# EMDR Therapy



## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

Has anyone went through EMDR therapy for PTSD ? 
I received treatment from my counselor to help with my childhood sexual abuse. When I would be visualizing one of the memories, and I would be crying, saying what emotions I was feeling at the time, the counselor would have me associate a recent "sex abuse" time with my husband. 
I can understand him wanting me to be calmer about the past abuse. But it almost seems like he threw in the recent issues with my H to have me discount them... so that I wouldn't stress about them?

It just seems to me that he wants me to just "let it go"......

Just not sure if this is normal? It's almost like he wants me to still work on our marriage, without really facing my H's abusive nature to me. As long as my H says he's sorry, I should be willing to move forward?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Numb,

When you say "abusive nature", what are you talking about?

Please be specific.


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

Having to have a "quickie" on the morning of my mothers funeral, and whenever HE was in the mood, or the rest of the day was pure hell for me and my kids.

If he wanted sex, and I turned him down, he would say very hurtful things , and then just roll over and act like I was not even there. As if I was worth nothing other than sex.

In car driving down road, he would grab my n*pple and if I tried to get his hand off, he would pinch and pull harder.. 

TRIED to surprise me ( covered me with blanket) and use a "drill dildo" on me... 

Would act like I owed it to him to be kinky,, because I was promiscuous as a teenager because of my sexual abuse..(if I had sex with so many guys, I must be well experienced).. he didn't realize that the sex was not for me... and most the time I went mentally "out of body"..or intoxicated...

I know a couple of these seem trivial, but affected me a lot.
He belittled me because of my past, making me feel so dirty, like it was my fault.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

You say he's apologized. Did it seem sincere? Were you even focused on what he said or are you too angry?


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

This has went on for about 7 years of our 9 year marriage. 
Yes he has apologized, AFTER his EA's were uncovered.. he went to counseling for 3 sessions and says he's a "changed man" ,and that he gets it now. Says he realizes now how much he has hurt me.. yet all the times I said something to him, it just got ignored. 

I feel like it is just a tactic. Just the same as when someone buys you flowers when they screw up..

And maybe it's " Too little , too late"

I don't think it's because of being too angry, as much as too hurt..


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Numb in Ohio said:


> This has went on for about 7 years of our 9 year marriage.
> Yes he has apologized, AFTER his EA's were uncovered.. he went to counseling for 3 sessions and says he's a "changed man" ,and that he gets it now. Says he realizes now how much he has hurt me.. yet all the times I said something to him, it just got ignored.
> 
> I feel like it is just a tactic. Just the same as when someone buys you flowers when they screw up..
> ...


Let me tell you some of what I know.

You could be my wife.

She is a sex abuse victim. She likely has PTSD. She has anger issues. And she has trusted no one in her life. She hated her adopted parents - moved out @17. Single mom with 2 kids in early 20's. 2 more kids with husband she met at college. Divorced by age 36. Married to me at 38

We - literally - locked horns from day one. I was shocked when we started peeling back the onion and I realized I wasn't dealing with a cold hearted pompous beatch, but with a terrified damaged little girl.

AND... what you describe about your sex life. I can only tell you that sex was "the" area where my wife and I connected. Retrospectively (and she now agrees) it was the one area of our marriage where she treated me like I was important. So, it became "larger than life" for us. My attitude almost became, "you won't care for me in all these other ways, you're sure as hell going to do this"

Sounds barbaric, no?

When you're in the middle of a power struggle and you feel like you can't do anything right. When you're trying to "nice" someone into loving you, it's possible to have some pretty dark thoughts. If you read my thread about "Green Shoots", you'll see how this is currently playing out.

But, I think I know exactly what your therapist is trying to do. AND, while I do not think he's going about it in exactly the right way, it would most likely be helpful.

Here's the theory.

Childhood trauma cannot be processed adequately by infants and children when they get abused. They feel likely to be annihilated, so they protect themselves as best they can. This is done by dissociating or "forgetting/suppressing" what has happened. Think of it as stuffing a live animal in the basement and locking the door so he cannot bother you.

But, the anxiety and anger you feel as an adult is likely partially due to those hot memories and trauma you've stuffed away. People seek relief from this by teeth grinding, nervous tics, medication, etc. Addictive behaviors like smoking pot, cigarettes, alcoholism, etc. can also be part of the mix. Sadly, I think this is why so many of the women who overwhelm you in the first 100 days of relationships are smokers with addictive personalities. They are needy in many ways, but they're also very passionate.

There are many theories about how the human brain processes traumatic events. Adults do a better job of it than infants, for many reasons. But, there's a school of thought that believes REM sleep is the method of distributing traumatic events across all parts of the brain so they're not disabling. So you don't "lock in" on that trauma and have it overpower/overwhelm you.

EMDR is eye-movement-desensitizing and re-processing.

You conjure up the trauma as best you can and the therapist engages you in rapid eye movements to distribute the traumatic experience across the brain.

My wife has done this for a rollover auto accident. In the process, she conquered her fear of flying and her terror at driving in rainstorms.

What your husband has done is reprehensible. Yet, your therapist knows you have loved him and wants you to see his behavior without disabling traumatic fear associated with what happened to you as a child. If you two learn to fully understand and trust each other, something good could happen.

So, I don't think your therapist is taking your husband's side. And, of course, the damage may be too great. But, it would help you to consider taking the edge off the fear associated with PTSD. It will help you in any relationship you have going forward in life. At some point, I know you want to trust someone.


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

Conrad: I appreciate your response, and I do agree with the EMDR results... it has helped a lot with my childhood abuse. Yet, it did not really help with things my husband did. 

I guess what bothers me most about my H (on this issue) is the fact that when I told him of my past abuse and my sexual teenage years, I feel now that I was foolish in thinking that he would sympathize and support me. That he would try to avoid throwing it back in my face at any chance...

Especially when now it has come out that he cheated on his previous wife (with the 2 women he was talking to on me),,, and he never revealed this to me, and was still able to say and do such hurtful things to me....

He wants me to give him a second chance... but I feel like I have lost any trust and respect I held for him. All this has thrown my wall back up ( he was my first marriage)...I have always had commitment issues ( not feeling deserving enough for love).. I have grown up feeling like I am just a person for sex to men... and when I met him, he made me feel so special, and finally deserving of love. Only to have that ripped out from under me...Now I am back to square 1 again... I don't trust him to be sincere or truthful on any aspect. 

I am going through depression still..(not suicidal)... just keep myself at work and home... 

The counselor had me go through the EMDR before we started MC, and now I'm dealing with all the feelings of betrayal, anger, hurt, and feeling uncapable of someone loving me just as I am, not for who I was.


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

Conrad said:


> I know you want to trust someone.



I feel like I need to trust myself first, to not only attract bad relationships....or to not self destruct ones that are too good to be true.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

If you read my green shoots thread, you'll see that you and my wife have shared a very similar outlook.


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

Conrad: I really enjoyed your green shoots thread. And I am very happy for your breakthroughs. I guess I am stressing over all this because he is testing my boundaries.. I wanted the separation, and he has been gone for almost 5 months.. but now is wanting to stay back at the house, thinking that we cannot work on "us" when we are not seeing each other.

This is making me nervous, because I know how well he is at manipulating me. He can do it so smoothly that I don't realize that he's gotten his way until after the fact. 

We have only been to 1 MC and I am nervous and feeling anxious about our next one Friday. He asked me today about wanting to stay here for a trial month... and he wants me to tell him by Wed or Thur. when he gets home (truck driver).. 

He is getting impatient about our separation, and keeps wanting to know if I want us to work or if I want a divorce..he doesn't want the "in between"..


I am just so overwhelmed with so many feelings..


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

You may wish to peruse the words "I'm not ok with this" as we've discussed boundaries so often in this forum.

Many good discussions with Lifescript, UpnDown, Synthetic, and SoVeryLost on boundary enforcement.

You could likely have him around if you are able to get to 50,000 feet and observe.

BTW- nobody is a "new man" after 3 counseling sessions. That's gaslighting.


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

Conrad said:


> You may wish to peruse the words "I'm not ok with this" as we've discussed boundaries so often in this forum.
> 
> Many good discussions with Lifescript, UpnDown, Synthetic, and SoVeryLost on boundary enforcement.
> 
> ...


Thank you for taking the time to respond.. 
I feel like I'm banging my head against the wall . I guess the only thing that is eating me up is not knowing if he is truly remorseful,, I don't want to get hurt and fooled again.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Numb in Ohio said:


> Thank you for taking the time to respond..
> I feel like I'm banging my head against the wall . I guess the only thing that is eating me up is not knowing if he is truly remorseful,, I don't want to get hurt and fooled again.


The only way to know is to observe.

Were you the one that took responsibility for fixing things in the relationship?


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

After I discovered his EA's I started going to IC. He showed no interest in going until he saw that it was maybe his only chance.....

I called and made the appt. to a counselor for him.. he gave me what dates worked and didn't work... instead of making any day work...

So I know I need to observe,, but he has fooled me for 9 years already... so I don't think I will know. 

I can't help but feel that it's not a break through for him, but a good act for the counselor and myself.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Numb in Ohio said:


> After I discovered his EA's I started going to IC. He showed no interest in going until he saw that it was maybe his only chance.....
> 
> I called and made the appt. to a counselor for him.. he gave me what dates worked and didn't work... instead of making any day work...
> 
> ...


Tell him that.

As dispassionately as you can.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Numb in Ohio said:


> After I discovered his EA's I started going to IC. He showed no interest in going until he saw that it was maybe his only chance.....
> 
> I called and made the appt. to a counselor for him.. he gave me what dates worked and didn't work... instead of making any day work...
> 
> ...


One last thing.

How have you done in counseling?

Any breakthroughs?

It does sound like he's played on your neediness in the past.

Has that subsided? Are you detached?


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

Conrad said:


> One last thing.
> 
> How have you done in counseling?
> 
> ...


I have done pretty well. I have been to my IC and then went to his counselor for my EMDR. Mine wasn't licensed in it. I did have a breakthrough on my EMDR with my childhood abuse. Released a lot of emotions. Realized it was not my fault. 

Yes he has played on my neediness and codependency.. and I think that is why I am happy with our distance, and would be nervous to let him back in the house. He knows how to "get his way"... and I suppose I would rather keep my distance than trust myself to stand up to him, but I have made progress on this issue.

I suppose you may call that emotionally "detaching" myself.. as you could say..."not letting him close enough to hurt me".


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Numb in Ohio said:


> I have done pretty well. I have been to my IC and then went to his counselor for my EMDR. Mine wasn't licensed in it. I did have a breakthrough on my EMDR with my childhood abuse. Released a lot of emotions. Realized it was not my fault.
> 
> Yes he has played on my neediness and codependency.. and I think that is why I am happy with our distance, and would be nervous to let him back in the house. He knows how to "get his way"... and I suppose I would rather keep my distance than trust myself to stand up to him, but I have made progress on this issue.
> 
> I suppose you may call that emotionally "detaching" myself.. as you could say..."not letting him close enough to hurt me".


Can you stand up to him when he's there?

It's merely a matter of maintaining the detachment and letting him know when you're "not ok" with something.

No explanation necessary.


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## ReaT (Jun 19, 2012)

If anyone's interested in a good introduction to EMDR I came across this online: emdrmovie.com. The reviews are really good and it looks like it's a general introduction to what EMDR is all about. Could be useful, I don't know. 

Was just following this thread and wanted to learn more about it.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

*EMDR*


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## Reese100 (Jun 19, 2012)

Here's a link to a good article that explains the EMDR approach and also gives a self-help technique from the therapy you can use immediately. 

Francine Shapiro, Ph.D.: How To Take Back Your Power After A Divorce


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