# Feel like giving up



## ZozoMojo (Jun 17, 2012)

Hi...

I'm new to this forum and would like advice/support from people who been there/done that. Well, here's my story...

I'm almost 32 and been married for 1 1/2 years and together for 6 1/2 years. From six months into our relationship we talked about getting married and being together forever...it was the case of opposites attract. Well, about 9 months ago a handful of young people joined his company which he became good friends with. He started hanging out with them a lot, rarely including me. Within the nine months his father passed away and we bought a house away from town (where all the excitement is) with his mother. Since around February he started to get distant. He's a very affectionate person and it started with telling me less and less about his night (hanging out with his friends), to barely paying attention to me at home and barely showing affection. I have confronted him about why he's so distant and he went from not wanting to grow up to not wanting to settle down. This is his story and he's sticking to it. He wants some time to "figure out" what he really wants in life right now. Which doesn't seem fair to me. 

I am suspicious of a co-worker of his (ten years his younger, 23) which he claims he became to be very good friends with her because they have a lot in common and he enjoys talking to her. At one point, maybe back in early March he brought up whether the girls that he hangs out with bothers me...and I mentioned this one girl and asked that he not spend one on one time with her, he was totally okay with it. I know that they talk on the phone..a lot (at least half an hour)...and he does it behind my back. His phone is always on vibrate and he always has it with him, even at home. He says he'll come home at a certain time and he doesn't. This co-worker has been having problems with her boyfriend and recently broke up with him that's what he claims they talk about but why do it behind my back? He is a very flirty person which I was always okay with (maybe I shouldn't have been) because he was that way from day one with everyone! But one night it had gone too far where I seen him caress her chin and walk away. I confront him about all of this and accuse him of having feelings for her or being with her and he says I'm sorry, no I'm not with her, I don't have feelings for her. BUT he never gets defensive or angry about it! He's not a yeller when we fight or argue. But I don't understand the non-defensiveness? Is this a sign that he does have feelings for her?

After all this we have been separated for a couple of weeks. I know its only been a couple of weeks but I am so tired of being hurt and in this state of limbo. I have a 90% feeling that this is not going to work out but a 10% feeling that maybe it could...maybe he'll realize that he does want to be with me. AND I am sooooo tired of this 10% feeling. I feel like I just want to be done with it...hit my low low...get over it and move on. Although I don't want to push him into any decisions if there is a chance. Also, I don't know how I am going to feel if he does want to work on our marriage...since I have trust issues now, I don't know how willing he is to help me recover from these trust issues. We are seeing a marriage counselor and he sees her one on one and I do as well. Is it too soon to give up? Is this part of the process?

ANY advice will be helpful!


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## GetTough (Jul 18, 2010)

ZozoMojo said:


> Hi...
> 
> I'm new to this forum and would like advice/support from people who been there/done that. Well, here's my story...
> 
> ...


This guy is not sufficiently into you to make you his one and only. If you need that from him, you are very likely to be disappointed and IMO should move on ASAP, and not look back. Physically or not doesn't matter. Emotionally he is not your one and only and is unlikely to ever feel like he can be for you. Even if you get (force) a commitment from him, he is unlikely to be comfortable with that commitment, so it is likely to be a permanent strain on your relationship.

If you are willing to live with his flirting and (most likely sleeping with other women while he sleeps with you) then you could work on laying down ground rules for that with him. That is possible (you can read up on polyamory). Not many women are comfortable in such a situation but all kinds of open relationships are possible and do work for some people.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Yep, he's not into you enough to be committed to you.

You are not married. Move on.

Did you invest in the house? If you did sue them for your money back.


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## BronteVillette (Jun 16, 2012)

I can relate with your story and living in limbo. It's painful and seems to consume your every thought. I have played over and over in my mind every gesture, look, conversation, text, email, and phone call with my husband since the separation. I was searching to try and understand what he was truly thinking and feeling- hoping for some reassurance that we would be okay. I only managed to drive myself crazy. 

My husband also became distant and claimed that he needed to "figure out" what he wants. He says that he is confused and not happy with the way his life is going. Sound familiar? 

He has been trying to "figure things out" for the past nine months with no reassurance that he has in any way come to a resolution, at least not to me. I don't mean to freak you out, but it may take awhile. You have been separated for two weeks- it could end tomorrow or it could take longer. 

I have received some advice that I would like to pass along to you (I am trying to follow this advice myself). Establish no contact for a while (or limited contact if you can't avoid it, i.e. children) and focus on your own well-being. This does not mean you give up on your marriage or that you no longer love your husband. It may actually be a way to interest him again. 

If you focus on yourself, work on your trust issues, find what makes you a whole and happy person inside, you will have a lot more to bring to the table than these young women he is flirting with. Don't forget, you two have a history they can't touch. You will hopefully feel better and he can't help but notice once he reaches out to contact you again. And he will.

After reading so many people's stories, it seems that these things usually happen after some major life change or event (new job/job loss, parent/loved one dying, pregnancy, buying a house, etc). I can only suppose that it is jarring for our spouses and gets them questioning who they are and where their lives are going. 

The one thing I do know is that we can not control and should not manipulate another person. They will feel what they feel and do what they do. Our best bet is to find some sense of control for ourselves. 

I think it is a good sign that he is only flirting with other women and not actually dating. Perhaps he is just enjoying the attention. Boosting his ego, if you will. If he does start dating, don't fall into the trap of hounding him about it. I learned the hard way that it only pushes him further away. 

It helps to have a community like this to talk to. I hope I have been of some help and comfort to you. I know this is hard. Baby steps. Keep it simple and take your time. You are not alone.


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## ZozoMojo (Jun 17, 2012)

Everyday I go back and forth on whether to push him toward divorce or sit back and let him work on his issues. It has been only two weeks and we did vow to be together through good and bad times, therefore I need to allow him some time. Just don't know how long I'm willing to allow. I think I am going to go on with this separation with the mind set that it will end in a divorce and try and start the healing process by focusing on my well being as advised. Only thing is I'm afraid that if/when the divorce actually goes through I may be back to square one, emotionally. any thoughts on this?
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## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

I think moving on is best. I am almost 34 and have been separated three months, two with no contact with stbxh. He too started hanging out with girls ten years younger and showing signs of at least emotional detachment from me. The more I tried to get closer, the more he withdrew. I want to tell you that even though this is difficult, you will NOT be starting at square one. Emotionally, going through separation and divorce is a time of major learning and growth for those smart enough to see it as such. You have come to a virtual support group that will provide you with the tools and friendship that you need, so keep posting and reach out here. Hugs!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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