# Did you have these thoughts?



## Too_Bad (Aug 23, 2014)

I came home. Wife was on the phone. Still don't know who. She was doing a lot of listening, then some crying. She moved to the bedroom. I asked her what that was all about and her response was 'I don't wsnt to explain now. I'm emotional. I need some slone time.' She continued to cry and I left the room. I just went in to see if stopped crying and she has. Now she's sleeping. I have a feeling that it was either a councilling session or her friend who is an unlicensed 'relationship expert'

With that out of the way, here are some things I'm feeling ad thinking:

- Will I meet anyone again?
- I still see my wife as physically the most attractive person I've met. Will I meet and feel the same feelings again with someone new?
- Is she going to be happier without me? Right now the thought sucks that she would. Will that feeling fade?
- Does she think it's all my fault?
- Will I stop caring about what she does or doesn't think?
- I haven't lived on my own for most of my life. From college to my wife, I had girlfriends that I lived with or relied on. With my wife, because this is her country, I relied on her for a lot when it came to certain things.
- What if I enter a new relationship and a year later my wife starts asking about me and I mess up my second chance at the idea of making amends?
- How long will I grieve the loss?
- What if she wants to try councilling? 
- What are my friends going to think?
- Will I have to explain it to everyone?
- I don't think I can continue to be friends with mutual friends.
- I see it as all her fault. She likely sees it as everything being my fault. Who is really at fault? Why do I care?
- I can't take time off work, but going to work feeling like this sucks. It's only hoing to get worse, I'm sure.
- I want to drink alcohol. It allows me to release emotions that are pent up. I know this is bad. The only reason I don't is because I have work tomorrow and couldn't deal with a hangover on top of things.
- Is her 'relationship expert' friend giving her unbiased advice? 
- If I leave the apartment now and do something I won't be able to focus. But staying here my head feels like it's on fire.
- When and why did she stop loving me?
- Why do I still love her?
- Will that love for her go away? Because it's getting in the way.

I'm rambling?


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

I think her boyfriend finally dumped her. Sorry did not read your whole history but clearly there was at least an EA. 

Kind of in a dark place myself right now so apologies if I have colored this wrong.


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## Too_Bad (Aug 23, 2014)

She would have been more discreet about talking on the phone with someone she didn't want me knowing about. At one point her words were "I'm crying, but these are tears of happiness too."


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## Too_Bad (Aug 23, 2014)

Call me a fool...I feel like one.

She woke up, I asked her why she was crying on the phone. It was the family Buddhist monk. A few days ago it was the 1 year anniversary of her mother's death. The monk was telling her that she did her best in taking care of her mother and father.

Unfortunately, my wife doesn't think she did her best. She knows she relied on me too much. She started crying again and shaking. 

So, the fool in me consoled her. I hugged her. All the while thinking "I've now put the discussion of D off another day or 2 more."

Some might say that it doesn't matter what she's going through now. Get it done. I guess I do have to read that book about stop being a nice guy.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

Too_Bad said:


> Call me a fool...I feel like one.
> 
> She woke up, I asked her why she was crying on the phone. It was the family Buddhist monk. A few days ago it was the 1 year anniversary of her mother's death. The monk was telling her that she did her best in taking care of her mother and father.
> 
> ...


You did the right thing. She was crying because it was the anniversary of her mother's death, and the 1st one at that. Putting your health and well-being as a priority should always be the case, yes, but it doesn't mean you have to be a jerk. If you had told her that you wanted a divorce at that moment, you'd have been "the jerk" (in her eyes) for the rest of your life. And the nice guy in you would have felt guilty.

Wait a day or two, when she's calmed down, then discuss it gently. But stand strong, stand firm, ensure she knows why you feel it's time to separate and divorce. If I remember correctly, she cheated. Don't let that just fly...

All these questions you wrote down are also questions that many people, including myself, ask themselves. "How will be feel about me? Is he going to be OK? Will I break down when he finds someone new? Will I want him back when he's after another woman? Will I find someone new? Will I be physically attracted to anyone else? What will everyone think?"

These are all fears. Divorce is definitely a process that forces us to overcome some of our deepest fears. Be courageous.


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

If you where manipulated, then you where a fool. If you where consoling a person in grief, you where being a decent human. It is possible to be forced into being both at once, but it is temporary and does not need derail you.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

All VERY normal questions as you walk the path of losing almost any person.

You have to mourn the loss of the future you thought you had, the loss of the person you thought you knew and endure the seemingly insurmountable changes coming your way.

It can be done, but I would be lying if I said it wasnt an intimidating thing to do.

The best thing you can do is listen to those who have been there.
There IS life after divorce and many times it's MUCH better than before.


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## tryingpatience (May 7, 2014)

Yes, many of these thoughts are normal in your situation.

Everyone grieves differently and grieving takes its own path and time.

You want to get to apathy. You have to visualize your life on your own. Try to see the positives of being on your own.

When I went through my ordeal I quickly found out who was a friend and who wasn't. Moving on from toxic or non supportive friends is part of the process too.

Why do you care about what others think. You need to think about yourself right now. You know you are unhappy and only you can fix it. TAM can support you along the way


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Was your wife's affair physical? How long did it go on for ? Was it with someone you knew ? From her culture ? There seems to be many unresolved issues with her and some might be connected to her affair.


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## Too_Bad (Aug 23, 2014)

manfromlamancha said:


> Was your wife's affair physical? How long did it go on for ? Was it with someone you knew ? From her culture ?  There seems to be many unresolved issues with her and some might be connected to her affair.


This is how it went:

- We went to a wedding. The OM was another guest.
- The OM comes from the west, like myself.
- After the wedding they exchanged email. I didn't know. I wouldn't have had an issue with it either at the time.
- She texted with him. So, it was an EA at first.
- We had a fight that was 'off' and it sounded like she wanted out.
- We were in limbo for 2 weeks.
- OM had a party at his place. Same apartment as mine.
- I left the party early because I had work the next day.
- Wife wasn't home, so I went to check on her.
- Party was over, but I walked in just as it started to get physical between them. They were both naked and ready to get at it.
- I almost killed him, no joke. He knew that another time would be a death sentence. In this country, if you are the cause of a marriage breaking up, you can be sued for a lot of money.
- My wife, drunk and perhaps high, was sorry, angry and everything inbetween. 
- I got his full confession. He said that she said it was over between us.
- I got her full confession. She said he pulled her to his room, and she didn't fight. She let her feelings take control and that she had no excuse for her actions.
- She cried and begged for us to stay together.

Looking back, I think it was survival instincts for her. She knew that bringing her mother, who was unable to care for herself (She lived with us), to a new relationship would be impossible. Staying with me was safe. Of course I didn't realize it at the time.

Because there are common friends that link us to the OM, he knows that even if a little hint of an affair would bring about serious pain for him, physical and financial.

I made sure that she knew the rules of NO CONTACT. She had to put family first. In the first few weeks she made sure I saw each and every email and phone call on her phone. Her Facebook was also open to check.

The thing is, if you want an affair to happen, these are all just stupid ways of getting caught. If there's a way for someone to cheat with little digital footprints left behind, they will find a way.

So, it comes down to whether I believe her or not. I don't think that she's connected to the OM at all. However, I wouldn't be surprised if a new person popped up. I have no proof though.

I do believe her mother left a deep scar on her as a child. Her mother was not a nice person. Quite selfish. I don't know how much that has impacted her and her decision making skills as an adult. She's 45 now. I'm 36.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

Too_Bad said:


> This is how it went:
> 
> - We went to a wedding. The OM was another guest.
> - The OM comes from the west, like myself.
> ...


Weird for me (as a complete stranger) to say, but reading this made me upset.

I just imagined myself in your shoes, walking in on my husband naked with another woman. How do you recover from something like that? I guess it's possible...


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Orange_Pekoe said:


> Weird for me (as a complete stranger) to say, but reading this made me upset.
> 
> I just imagined myself in your shoes, walking in on my husband naked with another woman. How do you recover from something like that? I guess it's possible...


TooBad, what do you want to do? You have done some rambling and then told that final story - I feel awful for you. Do you have kids? Do you want to leave her? You have every right to.


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## Too_Bad (Aug 23, 2014)

In short, for me anyways, it was better walking in on them. Left to my own imagination, I would have imagined something out of a raunchy porn like video. My imagination can be pretty wild when it comes to 'worst case scenarios'. The fact it wasn't 'that bad' meant I could deal with it more easily.

I know, people being the way they are, she would have downplayed any sort of act. So whatever she would've said, I would've added 10 times that much in my imagination or more. THAT would have been much worse, for me anyways.

One detail I left out of that was:

- After, when explaining her actions, she said "But we weren't going to have sex." And she really expected me to believe that.

Only after forcing her to realize how much I saw with my own eyes did she really realize how much of a corner she was in. She was desperate to get out but found no way. Thus the tears and break down. Had it happened and she could've denied it, I don't know what kind of life I would be living now.


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## Too_Bad (Aug 23, 2014)

aine said:


> TooBad, what do you want to do? You have done some rambling and then told that final story - I feel awful for you. Do you have kids? Do you want to leave her? You have every right to.


I'll be honest in saying my feelings aren't 100 percent clear. I ramble out of need to get this off my chest. I don't trust many people around me. Out of shame perhaps.

I want our marriage to work. I want her to realize that she messed up. I want her to realize what she had and to fight for it.

However, if she's not willing to, then I want out. I want to find someone else. I'm not a person who seeks financial success in life. I don't see money as making a man rich. I see being a good husband, father, son, brother and friend as being a rich man. Corny? Maybe, but that's me. (We have no children)

I fear the loneliness that comes with divorce and the not-knowing of what comes after. I've got to get past that fear. That's what's taking time.

She's mourning the loss of her parents. 1 year has gone by since her mother passed away. I don't know if it's the fear of talking, or out of respect for the dead that I let these few days go by without bringing up divorce. I've gotta wait until after the weekend when I know she's rested.

Tomorrow I will have my first talk about all these issues with a close friend. He's had his suspicions about us and our relationship. Hopefully he'll have some insight.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

Referring to the original post in this thread, I think those thoughts are normal...yet they are mostly about things you really have no control over.

I had done the same thing too, thinking about the future and how to respond...and all of the "what if?" variables. But truth is, thinking like that was thinking too far ahead...it sorta robbed me from accepting the situation and dealing with my present feelings.

Being too cued into my wife's emotional state also robbed me from dealing with my own process. Nothing wrong with being supportive and sensitive when a death in the family occurs, but but looking at it as a pathway to reconciliation will more than likely lead to a dead end and more heartbreak on your part.

Overall, I think you have a good handle on things.


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