# Bored of his talking....



## DameEdna (Aug 26, 2009)

My Hubby chats quite a lot to me. It's about the kids' education (our two are at Uni and College) Grocery Shopping, money, work (usually his) just regular every day things. I find myself just nodding and agreeing/disagreeing in all the right places. He seems to talk more than me (like on car journeys etc) than I do to him. 

I also find, when he arrives home from work (often after 8pm when I'm all snuggled in front of something good on the TV) he IMMEDIATELY tells me about his day. Sometimes I greet him at the door and he's telling me before he comes in the house. Usually nothing important, it's like he has to tell me there and then.

There are times, when we're relaxed, having an alcoholic drink or too, then I love those times when we both chat and everything. But those times are rare.

Sometimes I will tell him about my day and he's nodding whilst reading the paper.

Is this normal?


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

He sounds more like my wife than me. I typically don't talk about every little thing....but that might be just the way he is. 

Does it bother you? Can you change the subject if his talking gets too long or irritating?


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## mildlyperplexed (Feb 3, 2013)

Sounds familiar, I think he just wants to vent about his day or engage me with his hobbies (depending which one he bursts through the door spouting). Its not always the most exciting stuff but its nice that he wants to share it with me. If it gets too much I tell him I need to get back to cooking or threaten to tell him about a hobby of mine that he feels is deathly dull 

I ask hubby to give me a moment and then pause the TV or set it to record if hes interrupting. If he felt reading the paper was more important than listening to me I would probably feel the need to do something immature and attention seeking. Most likely grabbing the paper away and straddling him.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

Laugh. And your point is? 

Actually - I think you may find that many women might be envious of you regarding the part about your hubby coming home and talking about his day or talking on trips or you know.. just talking. 

But you are bored. Thats funny too. And you hint that he gets bored and reads the paper when you feel like you want to talk.

Funny to a point.

The thing is - you both seem like you want to engage fairly often but there is nobody on the other end of the phone, so to speak. You need to work on that. If you dont... eventually, this very advantageous, very important, indeed critical behavior of reaching out to your spouse and stayig connected... will whither.

You need to try and put some effort into being patient, turning your attention to your husband when he is trying to give you something (even if what he is giving you is 'blah...blah...blah...blah...me...me..me....blah...blah..blah..) because simply doing that is more likely to encourage HIM to do the same when you are feeding him YOUR 'blah..blah...blah's..'

Everyone does this to one degree or another.. but all the long term couples I know all show an impressive ability to frequently turn their undivided attention onto their partner when the situation calls for it. We do an ok job of it, but I could probably do better.

It all comes under the headiing of 'taking your partner for granted'. Too much of that is not a good thing. It seems like so small a thing - but can make oh-so-much of a difference if you can both do better in that area.

just babbling..


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

anotherguy said:


> Laugh. And your point is?
> 
> Actually - I think you may find that many women might be envious of you regarding the part about your hubby coming home and talking about his day or talking on trips or you know.. just talking.
> 
> ...



AnotherGuy:

Good to see you back on TAM! I haven't seen your posts in awhile. Welcome back!


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## Quantmflux (Feb 6, 2013)

anotherguy said:


> Laugh. And your point is?
> 
> *snip*
> 
> just babbling..


I suspect she tuned out! doh! LOL! :rofl:

I kid, I kid!

Its always sort of tough when people are on two different pages about anything (talker vs not talker)

Its enough of an issue to have brought it up here so it's probably worth working on, but it's a hard thing to discuss without hurting someone's feelings and having them shutdown.

Maybe the approach is to call him on it the next time you have something to say and he is just reading the paper and nodding. Maybe the real issue isnt so much that he overshares, but more that the few times you share you dont get the same courtesy. That's very unfair IMO.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Quantmflux said:


> Maybe the approach is to call him on it the next time you have something to say and he is just reading the paper and nodding. Maybe the real issue isnt so much that he overshares, but more that the few times you share you dont get the same courtesy. That's very unfair IMO.


This is what I think the problem is. I'd set the boundary that either you get equal time or you quit listening too. Everyone wants to be heard and it's totally unfair that you willingly give this to him and he doesn't return the favor.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

Mavash. said:


> This is what I think the problem is. I'd set the boundary that either you get equal time or you quit listening too. Everyone wants to be heard and it's totally unfair that you willingly give this to him and he doesn't return the favor.


Making note about or asking for equal time is one thing - issuing ultimatums is another. I'd try the soft approach before getting overly ham-handed.

but in general I agree - if that is whats going on, it is very unfair.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

He's trying to connect with you. Dang. Be appreciative that he WANTS to talk to you and fill you in on his day, etc.


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## DameEdna (Aug 26, 2009)

Thank you all for your lovely replies.

Yes, I agree, it's great that he wants to talk..... But when it comes to deep innermost thoughts, I have NO idea what he's thinking. I have NO idea if he's actually enjoying our marriage or whether he loves me or not. We never talk that deep. Sometimes I would like that, but I'm afraid of what I might find (does he have another woman, that kind of thing) 

He's silent at breakfast time, mostly, and it then feels like there's an "atmosphere" between us. 

Can someone tell me what it would be like to wake up with a jovial and cheerful hubby that might crack a joke or two every morning:scratchhead:

Next time I talk to him, I will insist he puts the paper down and listens!:smthumbup:

This marriage lark doesn't get any easier with the years does it:scratchhead:


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

My wife is bubbly and 'jovial' in the morning. Me? Not so much.

We have sex almost every morning so I am FAR from cranky, but I guess it can take me 30 minutes or so to wake up.. not always.

I guess I admit that I wake up with more sushine blown up my dress after a romp in the sheets however. Who wouldnt? Its hard to be a grump when you are feeling all groovy and you've just just shot all your tension away in a gust of lust and you wife is now snoozing on your chest holding a handful of your junk.

I wonder if she is backing her butt up to me in the mornings as a matter of self defense? I hope not!


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

DameEdna said:


> Yes, I agree, it's great that he wants to talk..... But when it comes to deep innermost thoughts, I have NO idea what he's thinking. I have NO idea if he's actually enjoying our marriage or whether he loves me or not. We never talk that deep.


Ah got it he's talking a lot but not really saying anything. Right? You might as well be chatting with the mailman. Yeah that's not very fulfilling. Some men don't know how to talk "deep" but your fears of finding out what he's thinking are a stumbling block. 

What would happen if you asked him a deep question about himself? Nothing huge just an icebreaker like "what would you do if you won a million dollars and only had 6 months to live?" Something to get him talking about something other than the weather and kids just to see what he'd tell you about himself. KWIM?


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## DameEdna (Aug 26, 2009)

Mavash. said:


> Ah got it he's talking a lot but not really saying anything. Right? You might as well be chatting with the mailman. Yeah that's not very fulfilling. Some men don't know how to talk "deep" but your fears of finding out what he's thinking are a stumbling block.
> 
> What would happen if you asked him a deep question about himself? Nothing huge just an icebreaker like "what would you do if you won a million dollars and only had 6 months to live?" Something to get him talking about something other than the weather and kids just to see what he'd tell you about himself. KWIM?


Good way of putting it Mavash. He talks a lot but doesn't really say much Maybe that is a man thing. Interesting idea of asking him some really deep questions like you suggest:scratchhead:

I have to admit, it's occurred to me that I'm rarely much of a "talker" anyway. Even with friends and family I'm more of a "listener" than a talker. So I can't go blaming hubby for anything can I


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

My wife and I SMS each other over the littliest things daily, so I guess by the time we do meet up at night - we kinda don't really have much to catch up on


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

DameEdna said:


> Thank you all for your lovely replies.
> 
> Yes, I agree, it's great that he wants to talk..... But when it comes to deep innermost thoughts, I have NO idea what he's thinking. I have NO idea if he's actually enjoying our marriage or whether he loves me or not. We never talk that deep. Sometimes I would like that, but I'm afraid of what I might find (does he have another woman, that kind of thing)
> 
> ...


Ask him. You can take the conversation in a direction if you would like.

Some people have an emotional need of conversation. 

You guys might want to do His Needs Her Needs together and see what your needs are.

FWIW. He probably really cars for you and likes others say wants to connect. Maybe he would like to discuss deeper subjects ... maybe not. Give it try.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

DameEdna said:


> Good way of putting it Mavash. He talks a lot but doesn't really say much Maybe that is a man thing. Interesting idea of asking him some really deep questions like you suggest:scratchhead:
> 
> I have to admit, it's occurred to me that I'm rarely much of a "talker" anyway. Even with friends and family I'm more of a "listener" than a talker. So I can't go blaming hubby for anything can I


I find that people who talk a lot aren't really saying much. Those are the extroverts, the chatty cathy's, etc. And yes men can be chatty cathy's same as women. There is this friend of my son's dad...OMG can that man talk!!! He can exhaust me in 10 minutes. He talks AT ME not to me.

My best friend is an extrovert and she's like this. That woman can go on and on about nothing but I have found that if I'm in the mood to have a deep conversation I can ask some interesting questions and get her off the topic of shoes and purses. 

Over time she began to enjoy our deep conversations and now she calls ME when she wants a break from her usual shallow conversations. Mostly though she talks and I listen. I just put limits on it. I don't know how I'd manage it if I were married to an extrovert.

For the record there is nothing wrong with shallow conversations. We're all different. I prefer deeper conversations with 1-2 people (I'm introverted) and others like more casual chit chat conversations with lots of people (extroverts).


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## curlysue321 (Jul 30, 2012)

I was married to a man for 24 years who said practically nothing. I never knew what he was thinking. You have a man who seeks you out and wants to communicate with you. Sounds wonderful.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

DameEdna said:


> Good way of putting it Mavash. *He talks a lot but doesn't really say much* Maybe that is a man thing. Interesting idea of asking him some really deep questions like you suggest:scratchhead:
> 
> I have to admit, it's occurred to me that I'm rarely much of a "talker" anyway. Even with friends and family I'm more of a "listener" than a talker. So I can't go blaming hubby for anything can I


It is very difficult to be around obsessive talkers...who blow alot of nothing-ness ....no open ended questions to engage you/ pull you into the conversation. I am guessing this is more of the issue? 

I really feel all people should be learn in childhood how to do some healthy give & take.... and be on guard for clues when their listeners are ready to snooze or trying to back away. Does he realize you feel this way? 

Ok, you are not much of a talker by nature.. .more the listener... and he is the Obsessive talker... I guess this is how you ended up together... 

In the beginning, what did you love about him, did he talk about his feelings THEN? 

Sounds it has become this ingrained habit for him to come through the door & dump his entire day on you... 

My husband will share some of his day but only the really funny, crazy, repulsive, maddening stuff...and this sits well with me...I *want* the highlights but not every detail, as I too, would get very very bored.

I see the only way to change this dynamic (without coming out & telling him he talks too much about nothing) .....is for you to start asking new & interesting questions to him - *to guide the conversation in an area you MAY WANT TO GO....hence.. his feelings.*.. if he says something about a co-worker (for instance)... you could always interject..."and how did you feel about that?" ...

These books could be a starter for you.... even if you both sat down together and asked away... 

Intellectual Foreplay: A Book of Questions for Lovers and Lovers-to-Be: 

365 Questions For Couples: 

The Book of Questions:


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

He needs an Aspie for a wife. My wife just says: "You are boring me, now. Please shut up."


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