# not sure what to do anymore!! My inlaws are ruining my marriage!!



## UTlonghorns07 (Sep 2, 2009)

Ive been married for a year and a half weve been togather for 3 years, his family was the greatest before we got married and for the last year, i just cant take them anymore their always talking about me, always in our marriage business putting there input in im in college so hes working while im in school his family hates this that he has to support me and that he pays bills. We got married at the jp we only wonted it to be us there but they had to come, i didnt even get to invite my mom or dad but his whole family came it was horriable i cryed on my own wedding day, they even ruined my wedding shower not one member of his family showed up which made me look bad. His grandma and his mom are always right, none of his family works they just mouch of friends or family everytime my husband gets his paycheck they stick there hands out like we owe them something one time he gave them his entire paycheck we didnt have a dime untill he got payed again, his family can run me down in the ground and i cant say anything at all to them he tells me to ignore them but thats hard for me to do when they do it all the time. We moved two hours away and they started moving down here to be by us its driving me insane everytime i turn around their at my house eating all our food and making a mess, they never leave, if i say anything to him we get in a fight cause he says i dont like his family he never takes up for me unless they say or do something he feels is wrong which is rare cause he feels they are doing nothing wrong. They critze me for every little thing, i hate being around them i cry everytime we have to go to their house, but if my family says one thing about how his family treats me he gets mad and refuses to even be near my family, i just dont understand how he doesnt see how his family really is, i dont care if hes around his family i just dont wont to be there, which he gets mad at me if i miss one meal they cook, but he can miss holidays or special occaisons with my family and i cant say anything to him about it cause well argue about it, well be doing wonderful and then his mom or his grandma calls and fills his head with crap and he'll say i dont think our marriage is going to work if you dont like my family so i put on a front and be nice to them. Sometimes i think it was a mistake getting married so young. They get in everyones relationship in that family thats why no one stays married or togather cause no one will stand up and tell them to mind there own business, but i wont my marriage to work.

please someone give me sum advise my inlaws are ruining my marriage litterly.

Thank you.


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## poetprose (Sep 1, 2009)

UTlonghorns07 said:


> Ive been married for a year and a half weve been togather for 3 years, his family was the greatest before we got married and for the last year, i just cant take them anymore their always talking about me, always in our marriage business putting there input in im in college so hes working while im in school his family hates this that he has to support me and that he pays bills. We got married at the jp we only wonted it to be us there but they had to come, i didnt even get to invite my mom or dad but his whole family came it was horriable i cryed on my own wedding day, they even ruined my wedding shower not one member of his family showed up which made me look bad. His grandma and his mom are always right, none of his family works they just mouch of friends or family everytime my husband gets his paycheck they stick there hands out like we owe them something one time he gave them his entire paycheck we didnt have a dime untill he got payed again, his family can run me down in the ground and i cant say anything at all to them he tells me to ignore them but thats hard for me to do when they do it all the time. We moved two hours away and they started moving down here to be by us its driving me insane everytime i turn around their at my house eating all our food and making a mess, they never leave, if i say anything to him we get in a fight cause he says i dont like his family he never takes up for me unless they say or do something he feels is wrong which is rare cause he feels they are doing nothing wrong. They critze me for every little thing, i hate being around them i cry everytime we have to go to their house, but if my family says one thing about how his family treats me he gets mad and refuses to even be near my family, i just dont understand how he doesnt see how his family really is, i dont care if hes around his family i just dont wont to be there, which he gets mad at me if i miss one meal they cook, but he can miss holidays or special occaisons with my family and i cant say anything to him about it cause well argue about it, well be doing wonderful and then his mom or his grandma calls and fills his head with crap and he'll say i dont think our marriage is going to work if you dont like my family so i put on a front and be nice to them. Sometimes i think it was a mistake getting married so young. They get in everyones relationship in that family thats why no one stays married or togather cause no one will stand up and tell them to mind there own business, but i wont my marriage to work.
> 
> please someone give me sum advise my inlaws are ruining my marriage litterly.
> 
> Thank you.



Ooh i dont like the sound of this at all, you have allowed the situation to place you in a victom role.....don't go there!! or you will forever be in their "debt" ( do you understand?)

change the script now!! you dont need permission, just do it


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

learn what good boundries are and use them.. do not accept anything from in laws...
do not tell them your personal business.

Do not allow them into your house without being invited and your husband must back you up.

Thats a good start on how to deal with them.
YOU TELL THEM TO RESPECT YOUR PRIVACY and HOME. Period.
You dont let them push you around or intimidate you !


I was lucky when I married young my in laws were just awesome....
esp my mother in law. She never had any girls and treated me like 
a friend and daughter. When I left my husband I missed his mother very much.

Most people don't get that lucky
but its up to you to set the rules, you are an adult too and if its your place, THEY ARE YOUR RULES and they MUST be respectful
or you dont open the door for them to come in.


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## MsStacy (Nov 11, 2008)

You are teaching your husband that he can set the rules and boundaries simply because you want to avoid a fight. So what if he gets mad? You never get mad? So what if you have an argument...sounds to me like you need to argue this out and get some ground rules set. You have to go to every family function or meal with his side, but he doesn't attend functions with your family? You actually keep quiet and GO?

Don't play the victim. Don't play the "my husband made me, he won't do this and I have to do that" game. Stand up for yourself. Have a conversation with your husband, and if it gets heated, turns into an argument and he gets mad? Keep talking because this will not get better on it's own.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Yep, you have to take control here. Seriously, would you WANT to stay married to someone who (a) doesn't back you up and (b) lets his family run his marriage? Make it clear first and foremost to your husband that this situation is not acceptable, that the MARRIAGE and HIS WIFE come first, that you will be setting boundaries with them--when they can visit, what they can say, everything--and he needs to back you up, 100%. Doesn't matter who is "right;" it's about who is married to whom! Print this out and show it to him--well-educated people understand that a marriage comes before one's "old" family, or it does not stand a chance. 

Be prepared to act very differently--it sounds like you have been something of a doormat. Practice saying (in a mirror). "I will not talk about that. . . " and "I will not listen to this." Practice getting up and leaving the room when you way these things. Practice saying, "I'm sorry, but this isn't a good time for us. We'll let you know when to visit" and shutting the door on an imaginary intruder. Have a friend role play with you--they should be pushy and obnoxious, they should try to argue with you or follow you out of a room, etc. If it takes getting in your car and locking the damn doors to get someone to respect your boundaries, do it! 

Your husband sounds very immature, not to protect and back you up in this situation. You should also insist on staying home,inviting him to celebrate with you alone, starting new traditions, etc, and let him go occasionally to see his family, remembering that YOU DON'T HAVE TO!! You have a lot of hard work ahead but it will be SO worth it if your husband sees the light, takes your side, and starts setting his own boundaries with his family! That may never happen, but at least you will have set and enforced yours.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

UTlonghorns07 said:


> always in our marriage business putting there input in im in college so hes working while im in school his family hates this that he has to support me and that he pays bills.... his family works they just mouch of friends or family everytime my husband gets his paycheck they stick there hands out like we owe them something


ya i can relate to this. my MIL and BIL hate me. they say some pretty nasty things about me. ive read emails from my H's mom and my H and i have gotten in some bad fights about this, too.

after i found out about the emails from my MIL, and some of the things my H was saying to her about me, we fought a lot. and my H did not understand what i was saying. he thought i was being ridiculous and just tried to ignore me for the most part. then he told me that his mom was flying in to stay with us. didnt even discuss it with me. so i bought an airline ticket out for the days she was coming. i told him, on the day that i was leaving, that while i was away he needed to decide if he was going to take me seriously. 

but one thing i also tried to emphasize to my h was that i was not asking him to choose between us. but i was telling him he needed to consider my feelings more.

its been a long battle for my H and i but after three years or so things are so much better. 

what i think you need to do is take your focus off his family. you cant change them. they will never like you. you're just going to have to deal with that. but its a problem if your H is not respecting you. that needs to change. try going to counseling, reading books about boundaries (dr.phil has one about boundaries with family i think) and try to remember that you dont need to have his family out of the picture, you just need him to be more supportive towards you. 

and you need to respect yourself more. you've got to put your foot down. if it hurts, then dont do it. dont take them calling you names or just barging in on you. you have to protect yourself. your h will not respect you until you stand up for yourself, and you dont doubt yourself when you do it.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

UTlonghorns07 said:


> Thanks Everyone ive tried putting my foot done it dont work my H will get real mad at me and say hes leaving me



Then open the door for him and tell him to get on with it and go.

Your someone who needs to be sure to get an education so you don't end up trapped and stuck with that horrible man !


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## MsStacy (Nov 11, 2008)

:iagree:

Open the door and show him the way out. He threatens to leave because you stand up for yourself against disrespect from him and his family? Sorry, I'd help him pack his bags!

Do you even realize how much worse this will be if you have children?


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## UTlonghorns07 (Sep 2, 2009)

i kno thank you things are gunna be very different from now on.


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## Lost Angel (Sep 10, 2009)

UTlonghorns07, I used to have inlaws like yours (my daughters fathers family) altho mines were quite well off, they were never out of our house, never off the phone, had everything to say about my relationship with him.......when I fell pregnant with my daughter, they even said they were paying for the abortion, even tho we were engaged at the time.........they accused me off just being after their money, I told them to stick their money up their backsides, for that they said to my then partner to make a choice, us or them. He chose us at the time, but still went running to his parents & inviting them round to ours when I was out. 

When my daughter was born, they were never out of mine, told me I was raising her wrong, I was holding her wrong, I was feeding her wrong, they even had the cheek to tell me to feed her in my room when they came up as they dont like breast feeding. I told them to get out, my girls dad said I was over reacting, that I should show them respect & go in the room...............so I went in the room, packed his bags, opened the door & that was the last time any of them were in my house......! Dont wait for the kids to come along, I made that mistake in letting them creep back in just after she was born thinking they'll change, but it never changes unless you stand up to them. Good luck. x


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## livinghell09 (Sep 24, 2009)

I truely know how you feel but believe me when I tell you that you need to stand your own ground! Stay strong. I have gone through so much that I know how these people think. The more they think that they are irritating you the more they will do. I will tell you a piece of my story and I am sure that it will make you feel better. I have been with my husband for 8 years now. 2 years ago we decided to purchase my husbands parents farm. We knew that there was lots of work to be done because of many years of neglect. Keep in my that we have kids and we both work full time. We take care of 50 head of beef cattle. Well we had a piece of property so we paid for the farm and gave them this land in exchange for them to build a house on. Summer came and we lived in a camper until their house was built while they lived the high life in the house that we were paying for. By fall they had nothing done on their house (there was no house yet) they came to us and said that they spent all the money from the farm transfer and they had no money left to build their house. Not to mention that they f***ed their credit up and could not even get a loan. Squeesed to the wall my husband and I went to the bank and took out a loan for them. Thinking OK we want our house! By fall it was getting cold so we had to move into our house with them. They never packed up any of their ****. We my husband and kids and I only had our bedroom to us. Winter was long and hellish! By february I found all of our stuff (belongings) were ruined because the area where our stuff was stored got floded. Atleast half of our stuff had to go to the garbage due to water damage but their stuff was all good still placed all around the house as if they still owned the place. After seeing all my stuff destroyed I told my husband that I was leaving! I had had it! My MIL overheard and said that they were going to go live with my SIL and her husband. After all that she through a fit calling me names and telling how much she hates me... But they were out of the house. Then they would wait until my husband and I were at work and come into our house whenever they wanted. We are hunters and we have spycams so I put 2 of them up in the house and had pics of MIL in my house sometimes a couple of times a days. By july I had had it my husband was not backing me up. They would not stay out of our live so I left. I got my own place and moved in. My love my husband dearly but things had to change. He would pretty much stay at my place all the time. We still had supper together almost every night, go on dinnerdates... Then they got so crazy that they tryed telling my husband that I was seeing another man.. sleeping with another man... My husband finally saw the light and realized how syco his mother and sisters were there was a big fight. We finally moved most of their **** out of my house and i am back living with my husband. Now my MIL and FIL talk to me but my SIL's dont even look at me. And you know this is the most peace that I have had in years. We have owned the place for almost 2 years and we can almost call it ours. Our relationship has never been stronger. Now I just get a get out of jail free card when it comes to family gatherings, it's great! Sometimes you live and learn. My advise to anyone reading this is never mix money and family! Never live with in-laws! And NEVER trust your MIL andSIL's deep down I think they are all evil atleast the little gossipers for sure! Stand up be strong and overmind them. My SIL's walk every morning and on my way to work even if they don't talk to me I wave at them as i drive by, they never wave back but i love it cuz i know it pisses them off to no ends. Hang in there cuz you always get your time to shine! What goes around comes around! You go girl!!!!!!!!11


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## H8M32DAY (Oct 16, 2008)

livinghell09 said:


> Never live with in-laws! And NEVER trust your MIL andSIL's deep down I think they are all evil atleast the little gossipers for sure!


You hit the nail on the head there!

My husband and I lived with my MIL for nearly 2 years. She gossips worse than a 16 year old girl. Always on the phone blah blah blah.... My MIL and SIL would say things about me and he'd never stand up for me. He said there was no point in arguing with them because he'd never win. I constantly made it clear that he should have enough respect for me to tell them it was none of their business. He stays living with his mom and pays her house payment and other bills. Meanwhile I'm pregnant with his kid and he does absolutely nothing. I moved out last April and told him if he wanted to stay together we had to be in our on house, not hers. Still hasn't happened. 

If you plan to stay married you've got to stand up to him and his wacko family. Let them all know they can't come over to your house without calling to see if you want them there. If they have a house key, change the locks. Tell your husband you refuse to let he or his family treat you that way. You deserve better. *sigh* What is it with men and their mommies?


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