# Did I make the right decision to put him out!!!



## Missylife (Feb 6, 2014)

My husband asked me for a divorce out of the blue. He said he just does not love me and that we never should have gotten married after 22 years!!! He asked for a divorce but refuse to move out. He said he had not planned that far and wanted to stay until further notice. I asked him about counseling he said no way. He just wanted out. He said I have been a faithful wife, a good mother, a good woman, never caught me with another man, no drug addiictions and so letting me go was hard due to all my good qualities, but he just did not love me any more and that no infidility was involved, just irrconcilible differences, but he never told me what those differences were. So after about a month, I asked him to leave. Then, he refused and stated he was not going to leave and wanted to stay but wanted a divorce. Then, he got very angry and said I want a divorce but I was not prepared for one because I was not suppose to ask you for the divorce until you went back to school and got a job and that would be about in a year. 

So, he was going to get me educated within a year and then leave me, so I kicked him out that day, but now he has no contact with me. He calls the kids ages 10 and 12 every day, but he acts angry and nasty towards me because I put him out and he wants me to give up his pension and says I do not deserve it. 

He is seeing someone because I found it on his phone before he left and never told him, but he refuses to tell me. He just keeps saying he is not a cheater or a liar, but I have her name. I told him I forgave him and he said for what. I am hurting so bad because I love him. How come he just won't tell me there is someone else and why won't he even look me in the eye. Is he angry because I kicked him out. Did I make a mistake?

Thanks!!!


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## oviid (Sep 27, 2013)

Cheaters typically don't admit they are cheating and even when confronted with proof they still tend to deny.

There are people here who can give you good advice on this, hopefully they chime in.

In my opinion you did the right thing by kicking him out. No way he deserves to stay there with you.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Its been almost two years and my ex still refuses to admit any wrongdoing, or demonstrate any remorse. So don't hold your breathe on getting any meaningful revelations. He will undoubtedly say "she's just a friend" or "it happened after I knew the marriage was over". Cheaters don't like to admit things.

Have you contacted an attorney? If money is a problem many attorneys will give you one free hour to determine if they are a good fit. Otherwise, contact your local legal aid, or the state bar to see if they can give you any help.

So he doesn't want to share, big shocker there. If you were married while money went into his pension then its more than likely marital property he will have to split, but again, you need to see an attorney.
The "getting you educated before he leaves" was likely an attempt to avoid paying you spousal support for 22 years of marriage. So I bet he's spoken to an attorney, and the attorney would have likely told him not to vacate the marital home. Too bad for him.
Most likely he will remain mad at you. He's lying and cheating and seeing you reminds him of that. 
I would have kicked him out.


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## Alpha (Feb 18, 2013)

Your story is a script that plays out here on TAM almost daily. One spouse tells the other they regret being married all those years and it turns out that there is someone else in the picture 99% of the time.

You have made the proper choice.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

If someone tells you they don't love you and wants a divorce, and they're a sane adult, I don't think it's a mistake to put them out, so to speak.

Of course you deserve whatever marital assets you're entitled to. And this thing about how he wasn't supposed to say anything...til you were educated and had a job...sounds like a plan another woman would concoct, and then ask him to adhere to. Just the way it's phrased..."I wasn't supposed to....until..." And the pension thing doesn't really add up with all the other good stuff he said about you. Again, it sounds like there is a woman out there who wants the pension. 

It's good to let him know that you'll forgive him if you really mean it, but don't be a doormat, which of course, you haven't.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Oh yeah you did the right thing.

And you take half of that pension, too.

He chose the OW. Seems to me that someone who does that willingly gives up half of their assets.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

HE IS IN LOVE (or thinks he is) WITH SOMEONE ELSE!!!!!!!

YES, you did the right thing!

Don't waste any time grieving while he is in the midst of an affair. Use this time wisely to line up all your ducks in a row...


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## TheSecretGarden14 (Feb 7, 2014)

Yeah, I think you did the right thing. If only for your own sanity. My H and I just separated.He also says he just doesn't love me anymore and isn't attracted to me. He initially was going to stay in the home until I could get a job and move out. It took a friend of ours telling him he was being insensitive for him to move out. That didn't last long as he now says he is moving back no matter how I feel and I can either stay or go. So, I am moving myself and the kids to my parents house. 
I am positive that if I stay in this house with him, I will grow to hate him. Just knowing he us so close I could hug him and he wants nothing to do with me would drive me crazy.


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## LBHmidwest (Jan 3, 2014)

Yes.

Selfish jerk!


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## MissFroggie (Sep 3, 2013)

You did the right thing. Get a lawyer and get what rightfully belongs to you and the kids.


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## Missylife (Feb 6, 2014)

happy as a clam said:


> HE IS IN LOVE (or thinks he is) WITH SOMEONE ELSE!!!!!!!
> 
> YES, you did the right thing!
> 
> Don't waste any time grieving while he is in the midst of an affair. Use this time wisely to line up all your ducks in a row...


Should I get a job like he wants or wait until after the divorce!!! I got an attorney, but in the process of getting a new one due to the lack of communication. I do not want to work until I get my settlement.

Thanks


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

It doesn't matter what HE wants; ask your attorney whether getting a job at this point will injure you financially in the settlement. Then DO whatever your attorney recommends! S/he is the expert so rely on their advice.

If your attorney says getting a job would NOT hurt you financially, then make your OWN decision. Again, you should not give a rat's patootie what your STBXH wants. He's selfish. He's a liar. He's a cheater who is currently only concerned with himself and his affair partner. What he wants counts for squat.


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## MissFroggie (Sep 3, 2013)

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> It doesn't matter what HE wants; ask your attorney whether getting a job at this point will injure you financially in the settlement. Then DO whatever your attorney recommends! S/he is the expert so rely on their advice.
> 
> If your attorney says getting a job would NOT hurt you financially, then make your OWN decision. Again, you should not give a rat's patootie what your STBXH wants. He's selfish. He's a liar. He's a cheater who is currently only concerned with himself and his affair partner. What he wants counts for squat.


:iagree: Exactly what I thought too


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

Missylife said:


> My husband asked me for a divorce out of the blue. He said he just does not love me and that we never should have gotten married after 22 years!!! He asked for a divorce but refuse to move out. He said he had not planned that far and wanted to stay until further notice. I asked him about counseling he said no way. He just wanted out. He said I have been a faithful wife, a good mother, a good woman, never caught me with another man, no drug addiictions and so letting me go was hard due to all my good qualities, but he just did not love me any more and that no infidility was involved, just irrconcilible differences, but he never told me what those differences were. So after about a month, I asked him to leave. Then, he refused and stated he was not going to leave and wanted to stay but wanted a divorce. Then, he got very angry and said I want a divorce but I was not prepared for one because I was not suppose to ask you for the divorce until you went back to school and got a job and that would be about in a year.
> 
> So, he was going to get me educated within a year and then leave me, so I kicked him out that day, but now he has no contact with me. He calls the kids ages 10 and 12 every day, but he acts angry and nasty towards me because I put him out and he wants me to give up his pension and says I do not deserve it.
> 
> ...


 No, you did not make a mistake. You took control of the situation and that angers him. Now, keep taking control. I know it is difficult but you have two kids that need to see a mother who is moving forward and strong (that doesn't mean they can't see you cry). Go see an attorney STAT. You need to know your rights and they are very state specific. See about drafting up a separation agreement and make sure you know whether it will translate directly into a divorce decree. If it does, do not set a negative precedent.

After 22 years, you have rights and those rights depend on a number of things. Make sure you understand what the variables are for your state and start thinking about your negotiation tactics. What this might do is keep you mentally in a stronger place. Many poster here will recommend the 180, which seems to be well suited for your situation. Your goal is to detach and take control of your own life.

Well, unless you want to reconcile. Do you think you would want that? Or is it even a possibility?


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

My attorney (I live in Ohio) advised me NOT to get a job until after the divorce. He was afraid I would get LESS spousal support if I showed income. Of course it is different in every state, No-fault vs. Fault states, length of marriage, etc. In my case, he was correct. I got a VERY generous, non-modifiable (VERY important to include this language clause in your divorce decree -- otherwise he can petition for less support when your income changes) support for 7 years. I figured this was plenty of time to allow me to get back on my feet, establish a career, etc.

Any funds you have access to, take half of them now. This is very important as it will allow you to pay for living expenses as well as attorney fees. You are entitled to HALF of everything at this very moment; don't let the opportunity to collect it pass you by.


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## Missylife (Feb 6, 2014)

What is the 180 rule? I am in the process of getting a new attorney who told me nothing!! I filed for a legal separation and waiting a response back, but I just saw a new attorney who told me my rights and will obtain him soon. I will not sign anything that he responds to and will go for the jugular vein when he replies. Can I change my mind with what I put in the complaint? thanks!


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

Missylife said:


> What is the 180 rule? I am in the process of getting a new attorney who told me nothing!! I filed for a legal separation and waiting a response back, but I just saw a new attorney who told me my rights and will obtain him soon. I will not sign anything that he responds to and will go for the jugular vein when he replies. Can I change my mind with what I put in the complaint? thanks!


There is a lot of talk about the 180 rule here. I will try to find a link that summarizes it. Maybe someone here can help out?

Good on the new attorney. As far as going for the jugular, as long as it doesn't come back to bite you, that's fine. Just know that you are entering a negotiation and positions will shift with time. Know what is important to you and what you can negotiate on in advance.

Good luck!


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

happy as a clam said:


> My attorney (I live in Ohio) advised me NOT to get a job until after the divorce. He was afraid I would get LESS spousal support if I showed income. Of course it is different in every state, No-fault vs. Fault states, length of marriage, etc. In my case, he was correct. I got a VERY generous, non-modifiable (VERY important to include this language clause in your divorce decree -- otherwise he can petition for less support when your income changes) support for 7 years. I figured this was plenty of time to allow me to get back on my feet, establish a career, etc.
> 
> Any funds you have access to, take half of them now. This is very important as it will allow you to pay for living expenses as well as attorney fees. You are entitled to HALF of everything at this very moment; don't let the opportunity to collect it pass you by.


I went through the same situation as the OP. My ex was still seeing his "female friends" after I told him I would not tolerate it. So I kicked him out.

We were married 13 yrs and I was a stay at home mom so I knew I'd be getting alimony (I'm in CA). Nevertheless I went out and got a job. In the settlement he asked me to put a time limit on alimony payments, I refused. In my case though, I am happy to reduce alimony as my income increases, which it has started to.

I also got half his huge pension, which I can start collecting in 6 yrs time. While we were still married, my ex got one of his "friends" pregnant, and she has now sued him for child support. With what he pays me and what he will be paying her, he can't pay his bills. He's going to be homeless soon. I feel sorry for him, but then I don't. We all pay for our choices in life, one way or another.

You wanna play, you gotta pay. I often wonder were the other man/women worth it?


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

happy as a clam said:


> My attorney (I live in Ohio) advised me NOT to get a job until after the divorce. He was afraid I would get LESS spousal support if I showed income... In my case, he was correct. I got a VERY generous, non-modifiable.


Nice. You intentionally avoid work so your husband has to give you more support. You sound just like my exwife who thinks that men are nothing more than wallets with penises coming out of them.

I went and took a look at your back story. 



happy as a clam said:


> In the final year of my marriage, I met the man who I am now involved with (going on 4 years now)...Am I proud that I fell in love with someone else before getting divorced? No, not at all. But I found my soul mate, my partner, my "brass-ring" and I jumped at it.


Figures. You fell in love with another man while you were married, you left your husband, and you took advantage of him financially.

Folks this is why men are afraid to get married nowadays, and you can't blame us.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

lenzi said:


> Nice. You intentionally avoid work so your husband has to give you more support. You sound just like my exwife who thinks that men are nothing more than wallets with penises coming out of them.
> 
> I went and took a look at your back story.
> 
> ...


Well it works both ways. My exH cheated and lied and then he decided it was time to try to make a go of it with one of his female "friends".

When that one didn't work out he hooked up with a "friend" from facebook. A woman 15 yrs younger than me. And got her pregnant.

All the while still married to me. Now he has to pay me alimony and child support, and the skank has just sued him for child support. Wallet with a penis? He made himself into one. He had a loving devoted family he threw away for a few thrills.

I didn't ask for this, I am not from the US, I cannot leave due to custody laws, and I was a stay at home mom for 10 yrs. 

This is why some women don't want to get married nowadays.


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

lenzi said:


> Nice. You intentionally avoid work so your husband has to give you more support. You sound just like my exwife who thinks that men are nothing more than wallets with penises coming out of them.


Well, in my case this is all my stbx is. He owes me.




> Figures. You fell in love with another man while you were married, you left your husband, and you took advantage of him financially.
> .


Can't disagree with this.


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

brokenbythis said:


> All the while still married to me. Now he has to pay me alimony and child support, and the skank has just sued him for child support. Wallet with a penis? He made himself into one. He had a loving devoted family he threw away for a few thrills.
> 
> I didn't ask for this, I am not from the US, I cannot leave due to custody laws, and I was a stay at home mom for 10 yrs.
> 
> This is why some women don't want to get married nowadays.


Exactly.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

brokenbythis said:


> Well it works both ways. My exH cheated and lied and then he decided it was time to try to make a go of it with one of his female "friends".
> 
> Now he has to pay me alimony and child support, and the skank has just sued him for child support. Wallet with a penis? He made himself into one. He had a loving devoted family he threw away for a few thrills.
> 
> This is why some women don't want to get married nowadays.


I saw your post. And I take no issue whatsoever with how you handled things, in fact I applaud you. 

And you're right, the fear of marriage is not restricted to the male gender, although much more often than not, the guy, who is the proverbial breadwinner, gets the shaft. But again, not always. Sometimes the woman is cheated on and left with little to nothing to live on. Or even more rarely, the woman is the breadwinner and is cheated on and has to pay support to the wayward exhusband.

But these last two situations that I have responded to are entirely different. 

In one, a woman walks out on her husband, citing his low sex drive and immaturity. She falls in love with another man while still married, and goes after her ex for support, intentionally avoiding work to manipulate the legal system in her favor. 

In the other, a woman is cheated on and uses the legal system effectively to get what she rightfully deserves from her ex who is a cheating loser. 

Totally different.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

lenzi said:


> I saw your post. And I take no issue whatsoever with how you handled things, in fact I applaud you.
> 
> And you're right, the fear of marriage is not restricted to the male gender, although much more often than not, the guy, who is the proverbial breadwinner, gets the shaft. But again, not always. Sometimes the woman is cheated on and left with little to nothing to live on. Or even more rarely, the woman is the breadwinner and is cheated on and has to pay support to the wayward exhusband.
> 
> ...


Not only was I cheated on and lied to, I was dumped like a sack of garbage when he thought he could make a play for one of these women. 

On the flipside, although I was a stay at home mom for 10 yrs, by mutual decision, I had a successful and well paid career before I married him. Being out of the workforce for 10 yrs has been challenging, but I kicked him out, got a great job with a large company a month later, went back to school part time, and recently got promoted (already). I voluntarily approached the court about lowering my support payments. 

What I COULD have done was been vindictive and sat on my butt for eternity and made him foot the bill. His alimony and child support would have been double what it is now. The judge was sympathetic to the fact our son is autistic and requires a lot of tutoring, therapy and attention. A seek work order would have been many years away.

With the addition of this new child support order from one of the skanks, 65% of his take home pay will be taken, he won't be able to pay his bills. KARMA. 

I posted somewhere else I have no desire to get married again. My soul has taken such a beating I think learning to trust another man and not be waiting for him to cheat or bail is too high a goal for me. Think I'll get a few more dogs and settle into single motherhood. I am terrified of getting involved with someone else.

Oh yeah - he's whining about having to pay me and now he's crying about being sued for child support. Hmmm.. should have used some birth control, shouldn't he?


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

You can definitely call a spade a spade without turning it into a gender argument.

So back to the OP... was your husband also married when you got together with him?

The karma bus is a *****.

Bet your ex husband is having a bit of a laugh.

Not much any of us can tell you beyond what we have already. Call it a wash with your last marriage, go forward a smarter person.


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