# How do I get my 4 year old out of my bed?



## Trey (Sep 20, 2012)

Here's my problem, I have a 4 year old that I cannot get to sleep in his own room. The other problem is that I dont think my wife wants him to get out of our bed. A couple of weeks ago I had him sleeping most of the night in his room and it seems like she's ruined all of my work. I think she might be afraid that if he sleeps in his bed, she'll have to thwart my sexual advances every night. He's getting too big though, now he kicks the crap out of me every night. How do I convince my wife and son that we need our space and he needs to sleep by himself.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

First, I'd ask her why it's important to her to have him sleep in your bed. Once you fully understand her viewpoint, then you could try compromising with your wife to let him sleep in your bed only on weekends as a special treat each week. 

I don't know what will persuade her if she is afraid that you'll sexually approach her - that's a different topic. You could maybe ask her for her thoughts on the matter and see if you can work with them for now. If she gives you a different answer about why it's important to her, you'll have something else to work with.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Oh crap. You've got big problems.....bigger than you know I think. Sounds like she see herself as a mom and not as a wife. This kind of thing doesn't get better on its own, and only leads to resentment over time.

Getting the kid to sleep alone is easy. Look, he'll sleep eventually. This is a biological fact. The trick is convincing your woman that it's at least as important (my opinion is that it is more so) to be a wife as it is to be a mother. Her actions are saying she thinks otherwise.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Oh crap. You've got big problems.....bigger than you know I think. Sounds like she see herself as a mom and not as a wife. This kind of thing doesn't get better on its own, and only leads to resentment over time.
> 
> Getting the kid to sleep alone is easy. Look, he'll sleep eventually. This is a biological fact. The trick is convincing your woman that it's at least as important (my opinion is that it is more so) to be a wife as it is to be a mother. Her actions are saying she thinks otherwise.


I agree with you, especially about the wife vs. mother part. But confronting this directly could prove disastrous for his marriage. I definitely don't encourage an ultimatum-type approach!


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I agree that an ultimatum is not the way to go. I'm not sure what is the right way to approach it. It's not going to be easy to convince her that it's a serious problem if she thinks she can treat you however she wants with no consequences.


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## Trey (Sep 20, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> I agree that an ultimatum is not the way to go. I'm not sure what is the right way to approach it. It's not going to be easy to convince her that it's a serious problem if she thinks she can treat you however she wants with no consequences.


It was alot worse a couple of weeks ago, our alone time was non existant. I've been trying to step up and take more off of her plate. Its been alot better, she even organized a date night that worked great. I think that you've both given sound advice. We've been opening up to each other alot more lately so I can bring it up without fear of reprocussion.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

You have to teach her what a marriage is, what a family is, what a husband is, what a wife is, and how good children are a product of good marriages.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Trey said:


> It was alot worse a couple of weeks ago, our alone time was non existant. I've been trying to step up and take more off of her plate. Its been alot better, she even organized a date night that worked great. I think that you've both given sound advice. We've been opening up to each other alot more lately so I can bring it up without fear of reprocussion.


This response makes me nervous. I think it's good to be, as a man, taking care of business. Helping where you can and getting stuff done that only you can do... and not appearing lazy. Just be careful that you don't start falling into the butler/maid category. Women are not attracted to their servants. If you're at home and she's working on something (dinner, cleaning, whatever) then the thing you should be doing is also working on something. You should not be sitting on the couch if she is working. But to take on her tasks so that she can sit on the couch is a mistake in my mind. It's a prescription for her seeing you as a less attractive mate. Even if she says that what she wants. You should see, over the the sex forum, how many guys come on here and talk about how they do all the cooking and cleaning as their wife requested but they still get no sex. IT'S A TRAP!!!!


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

You have another thread going to about how you and your wife only have sex after you both have been drinking..sounds like you got a lot of other issues as well, not just your 4yr old in the bed. 

I would say seek therapy for all issues involved.


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## Trey (Sep 20, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Helping where you can and getting stuff done that only you can do... and not appearing lazy. Just be careful that you don't start falling into the butler/maid category. Women are not attracted to their servants



This is what I figured out a couple of weeks ago. Up until then I did, I sat my ass on the couch until dinner was done or she starting *****ing about the gutters or the lawn or the whatever. In my mind I justified it because I work 60+ hours a week and provide a better life for my wife than she's ever had. I realized that thats ****ty. Thats not being a "partner" so I've been working hard to shake that bad habit. The payoff is starting to show, she's more affectionate, she doesn't shrug me off when I touch her and she initiates longer goodbye or goodnight kisses. I checked out the other posts that you were talking about, endless threads about being a slave with no reciprocation, I'll do my damndest to not fall into that trap


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I definitely hear you on the 60+ hour weeks. SAHM's don't really see it that way. They think that you're off on a grand adventure every day while they're slaving at home with the kids. My wife actually told me that my 60+ hour a week job was easier than hers because hers is 24 hours a day. She said "I don't get any breaks but you do when you come home". Funny thing is, whenever I would randomly show up at home during the day she would be watching soaps while the kids slept. I had a pretty strong suspicion that she just held all the work until I was on my way home so that it would look like she had too much to do haha.


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## Trey (Sep 20, 2012)

trey69 said:


> You have another thread going to about how you and your wife only have sex after you both have been drinking..sounds like you got a lot of other issues as well, not just your 4yr old in the bed. .


I do not disagree, there are always other issues. But to be fair, that ties in perfectly with what I'm trying to get resolved on this thread. The only time that we have sex is when we go out, thats the only time when its just us in our house. We let the kids stay the night with grandma so we can go out and enjoy each others company. Every other night its me, her and our son in our bed. We have had several nights that we've gone out and had way too much to drink and went home and had sex, we've also had the nights that we've checked into a hotel room before we had anything to drink and went straight to the room for some lovin. I honestly think that never being alone with each other is whats killing our mojo.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Have you asked her WHY she wont let the 4 yr old sleep in their own bed? In your other thread you stated you had a 12 yr old and 4 yr old that were adopted. When were they adopted? Is it possible the child doesn't feel safe yet? Does your wife feel safe? 

You also stated in your other thread about only having sex when drinking? Do you both drink every night? Is it bad? You also state maybe if the child is in your bed it will make her feel she can thwart your sexual advances every night. Well, maybe so.


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

You tell them "no".


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

KathyBatesel said:


> I agree with you, especially about the wife vs. mother part. But confronting this directly could prove disastrous for his marriage. I definitely don't encourage an ultimatum-type approach!


Why do you say that. Frankly that's what finally worked for me. Our bedroom had practically become the family room, the kids spent so much time in our bed to watch TV with their mom. I finally said this our marital bed. This is where we sleep and have sex. It's not the place where you mother. And I imposed a rule that they weren't allowed in our bed, at all, period. And they weren't allowed to come "hang out" in our room. No kids in mom & dad's room unless they have a reason to be there.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

trey69 said:


> You have another thread going to about how you and your wife only have sex after you both have been drinking..sounds like you got a lot of other issues as well, not just your 4yr old in the bed.
> 
> I would say seek therapy for all issues involved.


:iagree:








_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Trey (Sep 20, 2012)

The 12 year old is the only one that we adopted, the 4 year old is ours, we made him. No, we don't drink but once every couple of months, my point is that when we go out we have the house to ourselves when we get home. It definately does not mean that the only way I can get my wife into bed is by getting her hammered and taking advantage of her. The more I read and the more I respond, the more I realize that this is the same issue that I posted the other thread about. the only time we get alone time is when the kids stay at grandmas. But since the last time we went out we have been alot more affectionate towards one another.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

So what has your wife said when you asked why she feels the need to have her son in the bed?


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I was dumb enough to put all of our kids in bed with us for a time... and my husband LET me do it !! He was much too nice about this... I was even getting my fill of Physical Touch.. just being so snuggly our babies! 

My husband took a back seat...he should have never allowed this to happen. I needed TOLD how he felt ...so we could have upped our intimacy ..... 

When I wanted it ....I put them on the floor... so many times we had silent sex while our toddlers crashed out on the floor below us...in the dark... The wife is NOT getting it.... it is not healthy, if I could only relive those years over again...oh how I would have done things differently. I can see having a bassinet close to the bed -up to a year old, but after this... the kids need to be in their own rooms, own beds. Huge hinderance to our sex life. 



> *Drover said*: Our bedroom had practically become the family room, the kids spent so much time in our bed to watch TV with their mom. I finally said this our marital bed. This is where we sleep and have sex. It's not the place where you mother. And I imposed a rule that they weren't allowed in our bed, at all, period. And they weren't allowed to come "hang out" in our room. No kids in mom & dad's room unless they have a reason to be there.


 I'm all for this !! :smthumbup:

Now we shut & lock our door - Freedom & enjoyment awaits  Before it was Grand central station.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I was dumb enough to put all of our kids in bed with us for a time... and my husband LET me do it !! He was much too nice about this... I was even getting my fill of Physical Touch.. just being so snuggly our babies!
> 
> My husband took a back seat...he should have never allowed this to happen. I needed TOLD how he felt ...so we could have upped our intimacy .....
> 
> ...


Look at the bright side SA....if he would have put his foot down you'd probably have 10 kids instead of 6!!!


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Don’t make it about sex. Do that and you’ve lost.


Tell your wife because you work a 60 hour week you will get a solid nights sleep every night and you’re not getting it with your son in your bed. So give her two choices (a) your son sleeps in his own room every night or (b) if she really must sleep with him she sleeps in his room.


Make it about money, not sex. About the man who’s King of his Castle and puts the bread on the table.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Look at the bright side SA....if he would have put his foot down you'd probably have 10 kids instead of 6!!!


 You might be right about this , got a good







outta me here!!


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

As soon as he falls asleep, you pick him up & carry him into his bedroom & put him in his bed.

Problem solved!


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

This whole thread made me laugh to myself a little.

The actual problem here is that you and your wife clearly have different ideas of how to parent in this particular area. Without being on the same page, it doesn't really matter what each of you does or does not do with your 4 year old - inconsistency is what he's going to see and he will play off of it. Talk to her and figure out WHY she wants him there. If he's your only biological child, maybe she sees him as the baby that she doesn't want to let go of. Maybe she doesn't like hearing him cry and thinks she's hurting him to let him cry in his room or turn him away when he is scared in the middle of the night. Who knows - it could be anything. Without her on board, any efforts you make to re-train your 4 year old are going to be moot. (Which it sounds like you've figured out already.)

I have a 3 year old and a 2 year old. Neither of them sleep through the night, neither of them spend the entire night in their own beds. Sleep is chaotic, at best, here. Although we have worked out a system that we can all live with. The key is that my H and I mutually agreed on what we wanted with a little compromise on each side.

Both of my kids have been horrible sleepers since day one. As they age it only gets slightly better. We've read every sleep book in the bookstore, talked to four different pediatricians about it, and decided that we did not want to medicate our children to change their sleep habits. We do co-sleep with them, BOTH of us. I take our son and my husband takes our daughter (which works perfectly because he doesnt want anything to do with his daddy right now and she doesn't want anything to do with me right now).

My husband and I BOTH work 60-70 hours a week. So when it's bed time we abide by the rule "whatever gets everyone the most sleep". That means choosing our battles, and sleep is a battle we don't choose to fight anymore after so many frustrations experienced.

However, we ran into the same dillemma that you did - no alone time. We both couldn't live that way. So we trained our kids to go to sleep on their own, in their rooms. (Our bedtime routine includes each of us taking one of them to their rooms and sitting on their floor next to their bed until they both fall asleep - takes between 15-30 minutes.) Once they are asleep, we have about an hour or so of alone time. Around 1-3 am, they both wake up and come into our room looking for us. Generally we alternate, one adult and one kid in our bed, and one adult and one kid in one of the kids beds. We take turns about who goes to which bed each night. 

It isn't ideal, but it works for us for the time being - only because we both have talked at length and problem solved this together. 

When I sleep in the bed with my son (who is the size of a kindergartner and also kicks around in his sleep), I build a wall of pillows between the two of us so he isn't up against me when we sleep. He only wants me to hold his hand, I drape my arm over the pillow barrier and hold his little hand and he goes to sleep for the night.


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## ShawnD (Apr 2, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Oh crap. You've got big problems.....bigger than you know I think. Sounds like she see herself as a mom and not as a wife. This kind of thing doesn't get better on its own, and only leads to resentment over time.


It also leads to being a horrendous parent.

Good parent: 
Lead by example. Be a strong, independent woman who maintains a good relationship with her husband. Be soft as silk or tough as nails, depending on the situation. Express a wide range of emotions. Live and let live. Be able to solve problems alone or working with others. Just act like a normal person.

Bad parent: 
Neglect your marriage so the kid grows up to think that terrible relationships are normal. Be the child's best friend, reducing the need for him to create new friendships. Never allow the child to fail at anything; teach him that mommy will always be there to bail him out. Keep them away from dangerous things like fire or power tools; fire is one of those things they should learn about when there aren't any adults around to supervise it. Make sure the child is completely dependent on his parents. Always clean up after the child and organize things for them.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Get him a tent or something so he can 'camp out' in his room.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Drover said:


> Why do you say that. Frankly that's what finally worked for me. Our bedroom had practically become the family room, the kids spent so much time in our bed to watch TV with their mom. I finally said this our marital bed. This is where we sleep and have sex. It's not the place where you mother. And I imposed a rule that they weren't allowed in our bed, at all, period. And they weren't allowed to come "hang out" in our room. No kids in mom & dad's room unless they have a reason to be there.


I can understand how you feel about this, however sometimes, it's not as simple as saying "get out"...For 9 years, we have had the children in our room for various reasons. When they were babies, I breastfed them all. My husband and I agreed it was easier, and allowed for more sleep for mommy (aka more work got done during the day!) if we co-slept. The oldest ended up diagnosed with epilepsy. Had he not been sleeping with us at the time, we would not have caught the seizures he had throughout the night. We were both cautious after that. When we moved, we set up his bed in our room, for our own sanity. Again, we were in agreement on this.

Then, in 2006, we had to move in with my sister when I was pregnant with our daughter, while my husband finished up at tech school, before we moved for the job he had waiting for him. We shared our bed with BOTH kids when she was born. When we moved for his job, we stayed in his mom's 2 bedroom apartment...with his mom and his brother. Still, the four of us shared his mom's king size bed, and she took the couch (her suggestion)... When we realized how tough it would be to get our own apartment, we all moved into a large 3 bedroom apartment. She got the largest room, we got the second largest, which was fine, at first. The oldest got his own bed in there, and baby daughter slept with us. Then we had a surprise pregnancy...just before daughter turned one. We moved into the largest room at that point....then got bunk beds for the older two... still in our room. 

Youngest was born, we had to move a couple years later due to a disagreement with hubby's mother. SOOOO... back to sharing a bed with the youngest two for a couple months. Sigh....

We are now in our own place, again...FINALLY. We've been here almost 2 years. Three bedroom apartment. Daughter has her own room, oldest has a room he will SOON be sharing with the youngest boy. 

But, considering all the BS we have been through, it's been rough trying to get the youngest out of our bed. I admit that at one time, I DID use him as a block. But no more. I am doing my damnedest to get him out. Hubby wants him out as well. Unfortunately, unless he is asleep before going into his bed, he won't stay there. It's pretty much on me to do it because hubby goes to bed early because of the medications he is taking. Yes, I try, repeatedly. He's stubborn... comes by it naturally. 

Anyway, just saying "no" under the circumstances above is very difficult. There is a lot of confusion to get rid of...and it takes time.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Drover said:


> Why do you say that. Frankly that's what finally worked for me. Our bedroom had practically become the family room, the kids spent so much time in our bed to watch TV with their mom. I finally said this our marital bed. This is where we sleep and have sex. It's not the place where you mother. And I imposed a rule that they weren't allowed in our bed, at all, period. And they weren't allowed to come "hang out" in our room. No kids in mom & dad's room unless they have a reason to be there.


The reason I don't recommend an ultimatum for the OP is because he stated that he believes his wife's digging in because she's worried about having him approach her too much for sex. If this dynamic is present, then the logic you used (which is good for many situations, I think) could trigger some much deeper issues. 

My thoughts went something like this: If she's afraid of his sexual approaches, they have deeper issues. Either they're already in power struggles, or he's not pleasuring her well, or she has baggage from something in her past. If it's the first or third reason, then if he asserts control in a forceful way, it worsens the issues.


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## 45188 (Sep 13, 2012)

My baby sleeps on the edge of the bed. I sleep with an arm around her. Got into months long fight with hubby about sticking her into her own room. I wanted her out, he (okay me too) wasnt ready for her heartbreaking cry. Just because I was angry, a few nights in a row, I would not let her sleep near me. I made her sleep near him. None of that middle crap either, that's near me. After a few nights of no sleeping, he quickly saw my side.

Now that we are in agreement, we both have to learn to not be so sad when she cries. 

By the way, since he's 4 he can learn things from the TV. Put a TV in his room, put on treehouse disney and he'll watch stuff, pass out, and everyone will be happy. A lot of people are against the tv thing, but hell, I loved TV before bed growing up. My dad would put a timer on the TV to shut off after a couple of hours.

She is HARMING him by making him DEPENDENT. I'm a mother of 2. Kids who are raised like that usually live at home til they're 25-30. She is HARMING him. Enabling from an early age - NOT GOOD. 4 is too damn old to sleep in your bed.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

TV doesn't knock all kids out, Kipani. And, not everyone can get a TV for the kids' bedrooms. My parents didn't co-sleep with my sisters and me... I lived with them til I was 25. My husband and I lived with his mom for 3 1/2 years at one point. He never co-slept either. I'm a mother of 3. We co-slept with EACH of them. Yes, the youngest wants to stay in our bed, but he is learning to sleep in his. Co-sleeping doesn't harm the child, nor enable them. What enables a child is a parent who gives in to his/her every whim, with no consequences for bad behavior.

I will have the same rules with my kids that my parents had after we graduated high school: go to college and live rent free, or get a regular job and pay rent/part of the utilities. It worked for me, it made me RESPONSIBLE and NOT dependent on them for everything. But I also had a part time job of some sort since I was 17. But co-sleeping with your child is not harming the child... using him or her as a barrier to intimacy with the spouse DOES harm the child.


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## Needpeace (May 24, 2012)

My husband and I agreed right from the word go we wouldn't have our kids sleep with us. Sure when they were newborns & breastfeeding we would both crash out with baby on board due to shear exhaustion but in general it was back in the cradle they went, all 3 of them. We didn't want to make a rod for our back and be in the position you now find yourself in, many a marriage has suffered due to kids in the bed.

We also used the controlled crying tactic, it worked well for us when they were babies and all slept through in a matter of months, it was from the cradle straight into there own bed. Just like weaning them the longer you leave it the harder it is to break it, your little one in now in a longstanding habit which is going to be harder to remedy.

We also wanted to teach independency as mentioned above, at this age I would try putting him in his bed as soon as he shows signs of tiredness with a night light of some sort, you can get those ones that reflect images around the room, stars or whatever, and read him a book, then tell him it's time to go to sleep and leave the room, if he comes out take him back to bed & tuck him in again, keep repeating the process he will soon grow tired of it. 

We also always had an allocated bed time, the kids knew from a very young age that 7pm was bed time, if they go to bed too late this also becomes habitual, not to mention trying to get an overtired child to sleep is more challenging. Good luck but both you & the wife need to be on the same page, for which I have no advice, I haven't had to experience that problem as we agreed on the matter, we also both wanted our free time without the kids, they had our undivided attention all day, night time was our time.


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## Needpeace (May 24, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> I can understand how you feel about this, however sometimes, it's not as simple as saying "get out"...For 9 years, we have had the children in our room for various reasons. When they were babies, I breastfed them all. My husband and I agreed it was easier, and allowed for more sleep for mommy (aka more work got done during the day!) if we co-slept. The oldest ended up diagnosed with epilepsy. Had he not been sleeping with us at the time, we would not have caught the seizures he had throughout the night. We were both cautious after that. When we moved, we set up his bed in our room, for our own sanity. Again, we were in agreement on this.
> 
> Then, in 2006, we had to move in with my sister when I was pregnant with our daughter, while my husband finished up at tech school, before we moved for the job he had waiting for him. We shared our bed with BOTH kids when she was born. When we moved for his job, we stayed in his mom's 2 bedroom apartment...with his mom and his brother. Still, the four of us shared his mom's king size bed, and she took the couch (her suggestion)... When we realized how tough it would be to get our own apartment, we all moved into a large 3 bedroom apartment. She got the largest room, we got the second largest, which was fine, at first. The oldest got his own bed in there, and baby daughter slept with us. Then we had a surprise pregnancy...just before daughter turned one. We moved into the largest room at that point....then got bunk beds for the older two... still in our room.
> 
> ...


I can understand where your coming from, sometimes circumstance's play a huge role in how family dynamics play out, we can only do our best with the situations arising. I can also relate to your child with epilepsy, I would have done exactly the same in your situation, I had our daughter sleep with us many times when she was touch & go at times during her treatment, but she also like to sleep in her own bed, we just played that by ear, circumstances do play a major role which I didn't address in my first post.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Needpeace said:


> I can understand where your coming from, sometimes circumstance's play a huge role in how family dynamics play out, we can only do our best with the situations arising. I can also relate to your child with epilepsy, I would have done exactly the same in your situation, I had our daughter sleep with us many times when she was touch & go at times during her treatment, but she also like to sleep in her own bed, we just played that by ear, circumstances do play a major role which I didn't address in my first post.


Funny thing about the kids now tho... While we co-slept for so long with them, the older two are in their own beds, and have been since we moved into our own place again, FINALLY, almost 2 years ago lol. Neither tries to crawl in with us. My daughter wakes up with bad dreams on occasion, but I easily get her back into her own bed when she wakes up. Now, the youngest said tonight that he wants to sleep in with his big brother (he's said this before) and the two boys we have overnight because a neighbor works night shift.... I hope he follows through tonight! Pray that he does! Perhaps these two boys staying here are the push he needs to get out!


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## oldgeezer (Sep 8, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> I agree that an ultimatum is not the way to go. I'm not sure what is the right way to approach it. It's not going to be easy to convince her that it's a serious problem if she thinks she can treat you however she wants with no consequences.


This was never really a big problem, but there were some times when I simply said: "Hey, they need to sleep in their own bed, because I want to to sleep with a naked wife and do whatever we want whenever we want without any interruptions". 

Oddly enough, that resulted in HER wanting the kid out. I didn't give her the silent treatment, but I certainly kept to myself when there was one around. 

Now, if she's got zero interest in any intimacy, then there's... errr... other issues that are much bigger.


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