# Hubsband focused more on blame than issues



## FrustratedWifey (Nov 14, 2010)

Hi,
I am having a really hard time with my husband right now. By "hard time" I mean, I'm getting really tired of dealing with the ridiculous arguments that we have.

We've been married for 3 years, together for 9. We have 2 children. When I met him, I remember thinking "finally, no BS! He's so normal!" and within the first 2 years, I started to feel as though I were sucker punched. I'm not writing this to play victim here, I made the decision to stay with him despite the red flags and that's not my purpose for this post. I need advice on how to handle the way that we argue.

I'm the kind of person who looks at arguments in a positive way, a great form of communication, but he views arguments as a means to make the other person feel like garbage. 

I'll explain: if we argue about anything at all, we never get anywhere with it. The argument becomes about WHO started the argument and what a horrible person (usually me) THEY are for ruining the day and putting another "black mark" on the relationship. Those are his words, not mine. The focus on any argument becomes a battle for him to get me to realize how awful I am because I started the argument. It's ridiculous, because I don't EVER start the arguments and most of the time, I try to avoid engagement at all cost...he just sucks me in and when I attempt to defend myself, that's when he accuses me of being unreasonable or whatever. It's getting really old. One of our latest arguments was over the fact that I couldn't answer my cell phone but instead texted him that I'd call him in a minute. I call him back and he immediately goes into a rant about how rude it was that I can take the time to text him but not answer and that even my text was a joke because I didn't tell him why. Are you kiddin me? I couldn't text him because I was elbow deep in a poopy diaper with a squirmy 2 year old and the text was actually a pre-written response. He claims that because I didn't tell him why that he was worried that something was "happening" or "wrong". Give me a break. So, instead of him telling me why he called in the first place, we've spent the whole day arguing over how inconsiderate and "psycho" I am for not telling him why and then getting offended when he jumped down my throat about it. This is just a very small example, but explains what I'm talking about.

So, the problem I have is that he is so caught up in not being the "bad guy", which I don't even care about at all and I take full responsibility for all of my actions all the time, that we don't ever really get to any kind of real issues.

I am not confrontational and I don't like to argue, but it seems as though we're wasting a whole lot of energy and creating more barriers by fighting over who's fault anything is. I don't care at all about fault, and it's starting to get a bit scary that he's so freakin' caught up in it. 

How can I get him to stop being so defensive and quick to instigate these kinds of arguments? We've tried to talking about it, but he actually gets angry that I'm so calm and accuses me of trying to make him look even worse. Is this a lost cause? I forgot to mention that there are many times where we need to address something serious in our relationship but we never get to it because I feel like he purposefully, as a defense mechanism, creates this whole "fault" issue to detract from the real issue at hand. Major things like honesty, financial issues and anger problems (his). If I catch him in a lie, the argument becomes about how I don't trust him and snoop. True, I probably don't trust him as much as I should, but he's given me many years of little white lies to support my distrust. I don't snoop, but I'm not oblivious to blatant discrepancies in my bank account or phone bill. I pay the bills, so yes, I'm going to look at them. And yes, I'm going to question certain phone calls that are made at 3 am. WHen I say "question" I honestly approach the situation very cautiously to avoid any sort of accusation, but his defenses are always up and that causes me much concern as well. 

Thanks, I'm really getting to the point that I don't want to talk to him at all. Love him to death, but this is just too much.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Don't engage. Don't get sucked in.
He wants to be silly, ignore and let him be silly on his own.
That's what I've been advised, anyway.

Rumor has it they sputter out, even if they kick and scream at first at your calm.

Sometimes when I'm calm, my H *screams* that I "can't keep my emotions under control."
funny.

I don't know if this helps, but no, I wouldn't say it's a lost cause.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Wait, I just reread.
Mysterious phone calls at 3am?
Years of white lies?
Arguing isn't the issue. He wants to deflect your attention from the real issue--he's being sneaky.
Screw his attempts to deflect by playing "poor me" when you fight.
Stay on topic, and don't go down any conversational roads that don't bring you the information you're looking for.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

I'm seeing several issues here. There are major communication issues for one. I guess he doesn't realize it's really hard to trust someone when they blatantly lie to you. What do you think is going on with these 3am phone calls??


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## FrustratedWifey (Nov 14, 2010)

Thanks for your thoughts...you're right, I do need to just avoid giving him a reaction. 

As for the phone calls and lies- the calls were actually innocent enough, we have family living overseas and he used a calling card to call BUT it was the fact that I questioned it that started an argument. The white lies, truly "white" and not at all concerning but the fact that he didn't feel it was necessary to discuss certain things with me created a barrier. We've dealt with all of that pretty well, but it still happened and although it was nothing serious, it's always going to be in the back of my mind that he may not be inclined to always be honest.

I honestly don't think that he has anything to hide, he's just got this ingrained defensive posture that is making it impossible to communicate adequately. 

Your comment about your husband screaming about how you can't control your emotions when you're emotionless made me laugh because I've heard that one too...haha, because I'm not reacting like he thinks I should, that must mean I'm a psychopath.


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

In the beginning of our relationship my SO told me a white lie. He lied about mowing his mother's yard, of all things. Said he'd done it when he hadn't. His REASON for lying was b/c he felt inadequate that he should have done something that he hadn't. I busted him in the lie, and explained my feelings about lying (even little white ones) to him. I can deal with feelings of inadequacy, I can't deal with white lies. He hasn't lied to me since. (well, except to tell me that those pants don't make my butt look big, lol)
He has a tendency to get defensive sometimes as well. I kept telling him that I'm not attacking him, that I'm on HIS side..and simply trying to understand the situation. It took some time, but he finally gets it. He is more open to listening to what I have to say, then simply (calmly) stating where he's at on an issue. I have to approach a subject from a position to where he's not going to feel as though I'm attacking him. That hasn't always been easy, but we've gotten through that. I called it "softening the blow"...by telling him something positive before I'd bring up the issue itself. Sometimes it works, sometimes it didn't.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

@FW, I didn't mean to dismiss your main question--how you argue.

I myself am at the end of my rope with the same stuff from my husband---the defensiveness, deflecting, criticizing, dramatics, the maddening, frustrating unproductive fighting. they sound similar.

I like major misfit's advice: soften the blow in a positive, non-attacking way.

The other night after my husband behaved like an absolute a$$, the ONLY thing that got him to resemble a human being again was when I said, 

"I understand why you got upset" (although his behavior was COMPLETELY out of line, so I said "i still think you overreacted.") "what do you need from me?"

Then and only then did he put down his unnecessary shields.

I empathize with your frustration and exhaustion. 

Sometimes you gotta swallow your pride, deflect against a tirade WITHOUT engaging in ridiculous statements, keep your eye on the prize (peace) and topic, and hope he can grow up and meet you there.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

FrustratedWifey said:


> Your comment about your husband screaming about how you can't control your emotions when you're emotionless made me laugh because I've heard that one too...haha, because I'm not reacting like he thinks I should, that must mean I'm a psychopath.


How do you deal with this?

Does he ever stop and see/hear the ridiculousness and hypocrisy?

I might laugh next time. Handle THAT emotion.


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## Izabella (Dec 22, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> Screw his attempts to deflect by playing "poor me" when you fight.
> Stay on topic, and don't go down any conversational roads that don't bring you the information you're looking for.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


i agree,my husband would bring all kinds of stuff from the past up or other things that have nothing to do with the topic at hand.i just strated telling him,dont go there,thats not what this arguement is about,and i will go back to the topic.walk away if he tries to do the blame thing and tell him when he is ready to talk about the issue with out blame to let you know.


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