# fed up with boyfriend



## fedupinminnesota

I am so upset with my boyfriend. We are not married . We have been together almost two years. The first year was wonderful. He treated me well. This last year has not been very good. We are both divorced and both have two children. Ihave 10 year old twin girls and he has two boys ages 16 and 14. He bought me a promise ring last valentines day and has not asked for it back although I am not sure why. He has said a lot of hurting and insulting things this past year. He says he does not ever see us getting married and being happily ever after. I feel he is just making excuses and can't figure out why he has not dumped me. I think he is just trying to push me away and make me dump him. He says he still loves me and has not given up on us yet but he says he can't stand the way my kids act. Yes sometimes they talk back and they argue a lot but this is probably normal for twins. We did see a counselor one time but he has refused to go again. the cost was a issue anyway. I do still want him to go talk to a priest with me but I don't think he wants to do that either. He says he is not comfortable talking with strangers about his feelings. I just feel like I am the only one making any effort here and I don't believe anything he says anymore. Anyone have any advice? I would like some advice from guys too . I would like to hear both guys and girls points of view on this.


----------



## believer

sorry to hear what you are going through & seems as if you have invested a fair amount of time in this relationship. However, sounds like the "honeymoon phase" is over & things are not going so well. 
The good thing is you are not married so if you decide to end things - no string attached. From what you have said that besides getting a promise ring last valentines day, your boyfriend doesn't seem to be very interested in moving forward with the relationship. If he puts you down & is always negative - is this someone you would want to spend more time with??
sounds like there are issues with your kids, unfortunately for him, they come with the package -right. I am sure it is not easy to try to "blend' families & maybe due to your differnt parenting styles there is conflict. 
You can't force your boyfriend to go to counseling nor make him change his ways. But I would be a little concerned if you need to seek counseling and you are not even married - if it doesn't seem to be working - you can just walk away. ( I realize this is much easier said than done but it is your choice). 

I would recommend you go to counseling on your own to see if there are underlying issues you are dealing with. It could provide you insight into choosing your next soul mate & to avoid the pitfalls of your previous relationships. 

good luck & keep us posted.


----------



## fedupinminnesota

Hello. Thanks for the reply. Not much has changed since my first post. I am trying to not put a damper on the holidays. We will be spending some time together over Christmas and New Years so I guess nothing will change till after that. We will then try to have another serious discussion then but I don't expect to get any results. He has admitted to me that he has issues where marriage is concerned and he does not think counseling will help us. I know it will not take away our problems but it can help us commmunicate better and argue in a more productive manner. The one time we did talk to someone he said that the blending of families is a really tough thing and he counsels the majority of people on that issue so maybe its not surprising that we need counseling. I agree with you he does not seem very interested in pursuing this relationship and I have told him if he wants to dump me just do it. Its almost like he wants me to be the one to get rid of him. Maybe he does not want to feel gulity. Thanks for the advice and I will keep everyone posted. If you have any more thoughts or suggestions I would love to hear them. I do have to say I really would like to confront him again this week after reading your comments but that would cause problems for Christmas and I want to be in a good mood. It's hard to enjoy it when you are unhappy. Happy Holidays !


----------



## sargegonewild

Well, I'm a guy and here is my point of view: 
He doesn't wanna burn his bridges. In other words he's just surfing the relationship out, till someone else comes along. To me it sounds like a bunch of sorrya#$ excuses. I dont think he deserves you, move on to bigger and better things.


----------



## fedupinminnesota

I have thought that too for a while that he is just making excuses . I have to say I don't know who else he thinks is going to come along. We live in a small town but I guess there is always the internet dating. Thanks for your point of view. I would like to hear other guys points of view on this too if anyone has any more opinions. Thanks!


----------



## fedupinminnesota

Well my boyfriend and I talked last night. I was not going to do that so close to Christmas but our conversation turned into that. It went better than I expected. We talked without any yelling which was good. Yes I got annoyed at some of the things he said. A lot of what he says still does not make any sense to me like for instance he has decided that he does not want to live with me and my kids but he is willing to change that but he does not know when that will be. He seems to think one day he will be ready to get married again but he does not know when that will be. It is a tough decision to try to decide if staying with him and seeing what happens is the right thing to do. I did accuse him of just using me but he insists that hes not. Why would he admit to it of he was though right? Anyway that is where we stand right now and I am unsure about what to do but I am looking forward to the holidays so things are okay for now. Merry Christmas everyone!


----------



## TNgirl232

Here is the thing - go into this with your eyes open. If you decide to stay and he moves in (which brings another level of complexity) - just know you had to push him there - he didn't go willingly. And for me, if he won't go willingly - I'm not sure I'd want him there.


----------



## fedupinminnesota

Just updating everyone . Not much has changed . WE spent the last few days together. My girls were gone with their father so we did not have the kids to deal with. As I previously mentioned they are one of his issues supposedly. Anyway things went okay i guess . WE did do some more talking about our relationship but he is adamant that he won't go to counseling but he thinks I should go myself. I told him I don't see what that would solve. If I did that they would just say they wanted to see him. He said okay fine if they say that then he would go. Okay then why not go in the first place? He still has not said the L word in a long time. He says that is because I never say it to him so he got tired of saying it first . This is true I guess but even so a little immature am I right? I told him I feel criticized and put down all the time and he says he is not intending to do that but that is what I hear. I do have a low self confidence problem and that could be part of the problem. He also says I twist things that he says which I suppose is possible but I hear what I hear. The whole thing is really confusing and it is hard not to feel used sometimes. I guess basically what it comes down to is I have to decide if I am going to stay in this and see if he ever changes his mind about the whole commitment thing. There are no guarantees though and do I waste any more time on this? I guess there are never any guarantees in a relationship but I wish I knew. My decision also affects my girls as well and that makes things harder. I know they have grown pretty close to him in the last couple of years. If it was just me it would be a lot easier to decide. Well everyone have a safe and Happy New Year! If anyone has any more advice i would love to hear it! Thanks.


----------



## 13lissy

The average length a guy waits to propose is 2 years, 11 months, 6 days or something like that ^_^; Being together for only 2 years isn't enough in his mind. Of course this is only my assessment of the situation.

You need to see a personal counselor, if you go to a relationship counselor yourself, they will only get your perception and give you the wrong advice because their focus is on you and not the relationship as a whole. As for him, don't take it personal that he doesn't see a counselor just yet. You should get him to warm up to the idea by asking him if you can have a friend be a 3rd person perspective and view things in a way where there is no bias to take sides. That is what I did with my partner and it actually helped us improve our communication. It's hard to find a friend like that but I'm sure things will improve ^_^

Happy new years.


----------



## fedupinminnesota

13 lissy thanks for the advice but he said there is no way he is ever going to counseling and he told me I have to drop the whole thing. This was just today. He also said there was noone that was a friend of his that he would feel comfortable telling his innermost feelings too. He was getting pretty mad at me today because I wanted a answer and he just does not know. Every time i would ask him any kind of question about our relationship the answer was I don't know. I was getting really angry about hearing this over and over. He said if he had to make a decision right now he would say lets just call it quits. I guess he did not make that decision yet . He said he needs to ponder and reflect on things and he needs to do that by himself and one day it will just come to him about what he wants to do. So I guess I am just supposed to sit around and wait for the day when he decides to dump me! I don't think so!!!! He still can't see himself living with me and my girls and being happy. He thinks they don't do enough things for themselves. See he grew up in a big family with like 12 brothers and sisters and i only have two siblings and I think the differences in how we were brought up and the size of our families is part of that. He basically had to fend for himself as a child and I did not and my kids don't have to. He also thinks it is a problem that I help them with their homewwork. Math is a challenge in our household. I don't know if he thinks I should just tell them I am not helping them or what? This sounds really stupid to me. to me this all seems like a waste of time. Either he will decide to dump me or I will just have to wait around for years and see if maybe one day i will meet his standards for a wife! Neither option sounds good to me! I guess I should just dump the loser and get it over with! That is easier said than done though! I had hopes for us in the beginning and now things are pretty bad! Its pretty depressing !I guess it is just part of life!


----------



## swedish

Well, he is being honest and saying he does not know if or when he will ever be ready to get married. That being said, if you stay, yes you are saying that you will wait it out hoping that some day he will decide to marry...you really need to be okay with that and the possibility it may not happen if you stay...Leaving will allow you to force the issue...he will likely ponder and reflect when you are out of the picture and make a decision about a long-term commitment either way...and it could go either way, but at least you haven't invested years into it.


----------



## fedupinminnesota

Well my boyfriend and I are still together technically. WE have not had a lot of time to talk this week. He has worked every day this week and has had a meeting or a class every night this week so far. Yes I know he was really at the places he said and it would be very easy to find out if he was lying. Anyway the little bit of time we did talk was on the phone and I decided I am okay with the fact if we never get married. Maybe we could after my girls go away to college but who knows that is a long time away. I did tell him this and that I wanted to be with him and still want him to be a part of my life. He said finally that his main problem has been that he has been working six days a week and he feels like he has no time for himself and he feels obligated to spend his day off with me. Well noone said he had to. He said he knows that and just felt like he had too. See he was laid off from his previous job and worked nights at that job and worked 4 days on and had 5 off or 5 on and 4 off and that is the schedule he liked and now starting next week he is switching jobs again to a night job with the same kind of schedule so hopefully he will be happier . He said he hopes so. So that is about all we had time for but it sounds like he is willing to talk some more. We are very different people and I still really want to be with him. Opposites attract right?


----------



## Lostman

One thing you could try, that my GF and I did was sit down and take turns of telling each different things we wanted out of the relationships. Without critizing each others wants. Explain briefly why too. I feel that has helped us out a lot. Being open and honest is the number one thing that should be in place at all times though.


----------



## fedupinminnesota

Thanks lostman. I will try that. It sounds like a good idea.


----------



## 13lissy

He actually sounds stressed out. My best friend also works 6 days a week with his job and also feels obligated to spend his ONLY day off with his girlfriend. How far do you guys live from each other? How late does he work? Is he ok with you coming over once in a while to help him relax after work? And by that I mean making him feel that you are not upset with him all the time by giving him a massage, a relaxing bath/shower together, making dinner for him, or just cuddling.

I've learned from my own relationship that it's bad to bring up noticeable elephant in the room when it comes to people being stressed out. I mean from what you told me, he's stressing out because of his job situation and about free time and you are complaining to him that you want to see a counselor and get married! It doesn't sound like he is afraid of commitment, it sounds to me like he may feel like you are suffocating him.

Sorry to seem like i'm attacking you, i'm just showing you a different perspective. Please understand that he may not be feeling this way, that I am trying to approach it from the information that has been given.


----------



## fedupinminnesota

Well thanks for the advice but it sounds like it may be too late. He really is insistent that he needs a break and I don't think I can talk him out of it. Now we just have to figure out I guess what this break means and what the ground rules are. How long is the break is another thing? I really put myself out there with him and told him I loved him and can't see myself going on with life without him. I realize that made me look really vulnerable but i had to get my feelings out there. I tried to get him to see that this could work and maybe it can he says but right now he needs a break. I guess for me the main ground rule should be that neither of us should have anything to do with anyone of the opposite sex during our break meaning sexually or otherwise. I don't think that is unreasonable. I never done this break thing before. Is there anyone out there who was? Any advice? 13 Lissy we live in the same town but going there after work never involved any of that mostly because if we would go there during the week it would be me and my kids and him and his kids. Now he will be working nights although this week he starts his training on days but i guess this is all moot since we are going to be on a break. I did try apologizing too for pressuring him and other things that I did wrong but I don't think I can talk him out of the break.


----------



## momof6girls

my input... sounds so much like my bf... now hubby... just remember that the problems now they will not bend on they will not bend when your are married.... seems like your eyes are open but from a point of view here, you don't want to rock the boat near the holidays.. they pass then it is a birthday then a anniversary then... invite to party or wedding or.. well you see

it gets pushed and everything is ok... so you don't rock then either.. when fighting your just mean or out of line for remembering that far back... big circle...

draw a line if that is what it takes stick to a @ date... or it will go round for a long time.


----------



## fedupinminnesota

Well everyone after a long period of uncertainty and a lot of discussion my boyfriend and I decided to give it another try. He has started his new job now and will work 5 days and have 4 off or vice versa which is a schedule he was on before and was happy with. It gave him the freedom to go away on his days off if he wanted and now he will be able to do that again. I won't say we are back to where we were and probably won't be again but we are taking it day by day. I suggested that he spend a minimal amount of time with my kids for a while since they seem to bother him so much and I told him that he could go away sometimes on his days off as long as he did not do it all the time. He does have to give me a little bit of time. My girls also go see their dad once a month so that gives us some alone time which we had last weekend. I guess we just have to try to forget all the bad things that have happened this last year and bad things we have said to each other and try to move forward and start fresh. i still am not entirely convinced that it will work out but the thought of losing him was pretty upsetting. I decided also that after a lot of soul searching that I am okay if we don't get married till my girls graduate high school that is okay. Yes it is 8 years away and who knows what will happen. The thought of us combining households will never work right now. Frankly I don't want his teenage boys living with me either! They are so messy! Anyway we are just taking things kind of slow right now and day by day. We have told each other we loved each other again which is not something we have said in awhile so I guess that means something. I know I made him seem to be not such a nice guy in most of the things I said but in reality there are far worse guys out there! There are two sides to every story and none of you have heard his. Hope all of you couples out there have a great Valentines Day!


----------



## momof6girls

fedup;;;; i will give you my side of reading your post... yes i believe the past marriage is in the way some and yes the honeymoon stage is over and all realtionships start one way and go up and down and all over some times...

however, take what he is saying and truely talk to yourself ask your self why are you hanging on... he said mean and nasty things about your kids and you and he says he will not get or talk to others to work it out.. how far will this relationship go...? then

promise rings to me.. are a way to hold on and get that sure thing when you want it.. keeps the girl hanging but just enough... something very young people do... divorced yes so taking it slow but also grown up so lets act like it.

again have a you time... what do you want (is he giving you that) what do you need (is he giving that to you) what are you willing to give up (it does take some of that but on both sides) kids wise are you giving them what they need (out of the relationship) and what would you say to a good friend going threw the same thing you are?? step back and look at the whole photo... do you like what you see... 

as you can see i am saying get real, i didn't and saw signs when we were dating and we married now 20 years later nothing has really changed with him anyway.... and as he says he is what he is and i knew that so i need to get over it.


----------



## fedupinminnesota

Mom of 6 girls I see your point on some things. I have badgered him so much about the counseling that he just got really angry and the only reason he does not want to go to counseling is he likes to solve his problems himself which is not the way I am but I have just been harping him about it for so long. Some of the things that you say make sense . It is just very confusing. One of the other comments one of the other users said is that I was crowding and suffocating him and she had a point there. I think he did feel that way and I guess I don't blame him if he did feel that way. He is not a big talker about feelings even with me which is another reason he does not want to do the counseling. It is hard enough for me to get him to talk to me. There is no way he would tell his feelings to a counselor and he has told me that. It is not the way I feel but I have to respect his feelings about that. I don't have a problem with telling my feelings to strangers but he does. He has not treated me as bad as I make it sound. He tells me that I have a hard time when he tries to give me constructive criticism and I think he is right. He says I have twisted things that he has said and made them out to be worse than they are and I do think he is right about that. I have said some things to him that he got offended by too when I did not mean them in a bad way but that is the way he took it. We are just trying to make a go of it and maybe it can work. I am making the effort and so is he. As for the kids yes they like him and have a good relationship with him. They do drive him nuts sometimes with the way they act and I don't blame him for saying that. They drive me nuts sometimes too with the way they act toward each other. I am trying to improve on that. As for giving me enough in the relationship I think us not living together is the right thing to do. I think I can live with that. His ex married some guy right after their divorce and put his kids in a new household right away and he promised them he would never do that and I respect that. Can I be happy for years with things this way? I guess no way to know that for sure but for now I am willing to give it a try. I hope I'm not being stupid but for now I am willing to give it another try. I think he genuinely cares for me . Like I said he is not big on sharing feelings he bottles things up but I know he loves me and hopefully that's enough to get us past all of our differences. Nobody said relationships are easy. I believe what we have is worth fighting for and was not ready to throw it all away just like that after 2 years. I may be stupid I guess time will tell.


----------

