# recover from EA without remorse?



## pygmaliongirl (Sep 16, 2011)

Husband and I are in counselling. Among other things, he had an EA. He thinks it was perfectly alright because they never had sex apparently. He did, however, refuse to speak to me (declined calls, ignored texts, barely spoke in person) or see me (worked side jobs so I literally only saw him a few hours a week) for 9 months while he was enthralled with her. Set up a business with her behind my back. Got a separate phone just to contact her. Called and texted her constantly, and I mean _constantly_. Received pics of her and stored them on his phone while deleting all pics of me. Flew to see her and refused to answer my calls while there. Flew her out to see him. Had her emailing our marriage counsellor about me from his email account, pretending to be him. She was emailing him info on how to have me involuntarily committed too!! Set up a surveillance camera on me because apparently my "paranoia" meant_ I _was the one having an affair *giant eye roll*. Um, yeah, didn't find anything, obviously. Told me he'd choose her over me if we didn't have kids. Etc, etc, etc... This was so much more than me being mad just because she's a woman, like he claims it is.

Now he insists he has no further contact with her. But when I question him he gets indignant and says I have to be over this. Today. That I'm being ridiculous. The affair lasted 9 months and I'm supposed to be over it in a few weeks. With no apology. No remorse. He just wants me to drop this "being stupid". No talking about it. Even though he has insisted it was over several times before and was simply going behind my back. Apparently the fifth time's the charm and I owe _him_ an apology for being so "paranoid".

Can a marriage survive an EA with no remorse or apology? Or, could I really be over-reacting? Yes, please tell me if you think I'm making a mountain out of a molehill. Or, how do I get him to understand how much this kills me? He says he wants there to be trust, but doesn't think he should have to "earn" it. I should just trust him this time because he says I should. He says he wants to work on it and he chooses me, but I feel like I need him to do the work to re-gain the trust. Should I just forget it?


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

No. He is rug sweeping. This was an affair and sounds like a serious one that may not be over.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

No remorse over an affair = not a good sign


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

GOOD GRIEF was that a layer upon layer of deception going on or what??? I dont know how you can stay in the marriage with all that having gone on. I mean, I am sure down for an honest reconciliation, but this guy has PROBLEMS and cant see past himself. 
And then to turn it around on you and shift the problem to you, without taking any responsibility? HELLLLNawww...

If the reaction from him didnt hit so close to home I wouldnt find myself recommending you run for the hills from this bozo.


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## Hijo (Sep 1, 2011)

pygmaliongirl said:


> Husband and I are in counselling. Among other things, he had an EA. He thinks it was perfectly alright because they never had sex apparently. He did, however, refuse to speak to me (declined calls, ignored texts, barely spoke in person) or see me (worked side jobs so I literally only saw him a few hours a week) for 9 months while he was enthralled with her. Set up a business with her behind my back. Got a separate phone just to contact her. Called and texted her constantly, and I mean _constantly_. Received pics of her and stored them on his phone while deleting all pics of me. Flew to see her and refused to answer my calls while there. Flew her out to see him. Had her emailing our marriage counsellor about me from his email account, pretending to be him. She was emailing him info on how to have me involuntarily committed too!! Set up a surveillance camera on me because apparently my "paranoia" meant_ I _was the one having an affair *giant eye roll*. Um, yeah, didn't find anything, obviously. Told me he'd choose her over me if we didn't have kids. Etc, etc, etc... This was so much more than me being mad just because she's a woman, like he claims it is.
> 
> Now he insists he has no further contact with her. But when I question him he gets indignant and says I have to be over this. Today. That I'm being ridiculous. The affair lasted 9 months and I'm supposed to be over it in a few weeks. With no apology. No remorse. He just wants me to drop this "being stupid". No talking about it. Even though he has insisted it was over several times before and was simply going behind my back. Apparently the fifth time's the charm and I owe _him_ an apology for being so "paranoid".
> 
> Can a marriage survive an EA with no remorse or apology? Or, could I really be over-reacting? Yes, please tell me if you think I'm making a mountain out of a molehill. Or, how do I get him to understand how much this kills me? He says he wants there to be trust, but doesn't think he should have to "earn" it. I should just trust him this time because he says I should. He says he wants to work on it and he chooses me, but I feel like I need him to do the work to re-gain the trust. Should I just forget it?


It isn't over. He is most likely engaged in a physical affair.

Time for you to do a 180, with a full blown surveillance package. Prepare for war with the affair!

Wishes of strength to you. You have a long painful road ahead.

Read posts on this forum. It will help to bring you perspective to your own situation as well as provide you tools and ideas to deal with it. The most that it will do is to let you know you aren't crazy (he's gaslighting you) and you can be strong and deal with this for the betterment of yourself.


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## HappyAtLast (Jan 25, 2010)

Wow..some of this sounds eerily familiar..my H had an EA, too, we were separated for about 9 months...he also seemed to think that I should get over this rather quickly and move on with our lives..maybe some people can do that, but not me.
When we were separated he would call and ask if I was seeing anybody, who was hitting on me and flirting with me...can you believe that...I think it's called projection..they act like you are doing what THEY are doing.
We're back together, but it hasn't been easy..if he asks you why you're upset, then by all means, tell him...in fact, why should he even have to ask? I don't think you're over reacting...you've been through hell and back, and it's gonna take time to feel good again.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

It's sick he had the OW emailing your marriage counsellor as him. That is a new low.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

simply- no


and it doesn't sound like the affair has stopped


the big three things you need to get past an affair-

1) No contact
2) complete transparency (which he isn't doing so you have no idea if 1 is being met)
3) complete remorse- they must own up to the affair and talk about it and realize it may take 2-5 years for you to recover- (which he is continually deflecting, blameshifting and gaslighting you instead and making you feel bad because you should be "over it" by now)

I hate to be the bearer of bad news and what I am about to tell you will be scary but if you wish to heal from this then it needs to be done.


It's time to make a stand

tell him you have no interest in having an open marriage and will not stay married as long as he continues this behavior.

he must write a no contact letter to the other woman, if she contacts him, he is to ignore it and then you must know about it right away

he is to allow you access to everything- passwords, emails, phones, bills, etc etc. I highly recommend that you also install keyloggers and use a VAR in his car (if he is using a secret phone you will likely catch it this way).

He is to admit that the affair is 100% his fault, marital problems prior to the affair are 50/50 and should be worked on but until after you address the affair in the way it needs to be addressed. 


lastly, I suggest you also start exposing the affair to his family and the OW's husband or girlfriend


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

I'd post the table about remorse and rugsweeping, but it seems that he's no way ready for the gift of R. Not by a long shot. I agree that the affair is still ongoing. Also, this is most likely not only an EA, but PA as well. He flew her out to see him? Ummm....sorry, unless you think they just played monopoly or video games or something, its probably a full on PA and he's only admitting to an EA at the most. You've only hit the tip of the iceberg here.

Follow the advice above, people know what they're talking about.


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## pygmaliongirl (Sep 16, 2011)

In a way, I wish I'd never posted this question. Don't get me wrong though, I definitely appreciate people taking the time to be honest with me and share their insight. I do. 

But I'm just sobbing over this. I guess this is a "the truth hurts" situation. Why did he do this to our family? And why does he effectively say that I deserved it and she will always be his friend? Why??!! How do I get over this/past this/through this??

Yeah, she emailed our marriage counsellor posing as him (while he had been sitting in counselling saying_ I _was "mentally ill" for imagining this affair) and told her I was suicidal! Seriously. Which, by the way, was an utter and complete fabrication. He said, in a moment of anger, that he was planning to use all of this to get custody of the kids from me (claiming I was suicidal - which he now "had in writing", my mental illness in "imagining" things, my "abuse" because I was so *****y - you know, about him having an _AFFAIR_). 

*sob* I'm sorry there are people out there who can relate to this. I wouldn't wish this pain on my worst enemy.


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## Wecouldofhaditall (Sep 15, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> I'd post the table about remorse and rugsweeping, but it seems that he's no way ready for the gift of R. Not by a long shot. I agree that the affair is still ongoing. Also, this is most likely not only an EA, but PA as well. He flew her out to see him? Ummm....sorry, unless you think they just played monopoly or video games or something, its probably a full on PA and he's only admitting to an EA at the most. You've only hit the tip of the iceberg here.
> 
> Follow the advice above, people know what they're talking about.


I would like to see that table. I have searched, but it doesn't seem to be viewable in past posts.


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