# Feeling tossed away



## TheSecretGarden14 (Feb 7, 2014)

So, this is my situation. My husband told me in October that he had been unhappy for over a year. I was eight months pregnant with our second child. I was devastated then and begged him to go to counseling. We went until Christmas. He said he was 100% back in and even asked for a replacement wedding band for Christmas. Then, the three weeks ago, he told me he was done. He was no longer attracted to me and he just didn't love me. He said he had tried to just be happy, but it wasn't working. So he moved out.
I am trying to do the 180, but it's hard when every time I see him we end up talking about the separation or how to manage the children during this. It's gotten ugly a couple of times and i always end up in tears. I'm not sleeping well. 
One minute he says things like,"if we get back together, both of us need to make changes." The next he says he is completely done. He has told me some things that make him unhappy. He said I don't try hard enough on my looks right now. Well, thanks, I just had a baby. He said I don't have the same energy as his mom did. You know to work, keep the house spotless, and be Martha freaking Stewart with the rest of my time. I am at a point where I love him more than I should, but I hate him at the same time. 
How do you deal with the roller coaster emotions and how can I stop getting my hopes up when he mentions reconciliation. I'm tired of having my feelings trampled on.


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

Hang in there.....you will get good advice from people who know a lot more than I do.......These good people will get you through this. Just hang on......


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

How long have you been married?

What was you marriage like before?


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## betysue (Nov 30, 2013)

I was drawn to your post because your situation is similar to mine in that I feel as if I never existed!! It feels like I am "out of sight, out of mind".
I am in the first stages of divorce after 5 years of torment. I could do nothing right, my looks weren't enough, I didn't clean enough, I didn't appreciate him enough, I didn't give sex enough, I was dysfunctional, he said, and he didn't want to put up with my reduced hormone levels...etc...etc...
The coldness and lack of empathy struck me. He had threatened to leave so many times because I "wasn't what he expected". 
I realize now that he has symptoms of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) and I'm wondering if that is what you are also dealing with in your husband. It is something to look into as it would give you some insights. It isn't you.


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## TheSecretGarden14 (Feb 7, 2014)

SeeGee- We've been married 5 1/2 years, but together 8 1/2. 
BetySue- Its the same with us. No matter how hard I tried to be what he wanted, there was always something else I was doing wrong. I started trying to be perfect and when I got no recognition for how well I was doing, I would falter. One day of not being perfect and he would give me the silent treatment. We would go months being happy and then we would have a week or so of discord. It always got better and thought it was just normal marriage issues. 
He is from a well to do family that shows love with money and I am from a poor family that shows love with words and affection. I was happy with our life. It was more than I ever expected and most people would love our comfortable, but not rich life. He was apparently never happy with how "little" we had.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

You were unhappy because you couldn't make him happy. 

Is that about right. 

What do you know about codependency?


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## TheSecretGarden14 (Feb 7, 2014)

Ceegee said:


> You were unhappy because you couldn't make him happy.
> 
> Is that about right.
> 
> What do you know about codependency?


Yeah, that's about right. I've spent at least the last year living my life around his emotions. I'm not usually that type of person. In all honesty, I can be quite abrasive myself. I'm usually a "take no crap" kind of person. However, with him, I feel like that's what you do when you love someone. You do what it takes to make them happy. For our situation, it was keeping my mouth shut so that I didn't have an "attitude" and trying my best to be what he wanted.
I will look into co-dependence.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

TheSecretGarden14 said:


> Yeah, that's about right. I've spent at least the last year living my life around his emotions. I'm not usually that type of person. In all honesty, I can be quite abrasive myself. I'm usually a "take no crap" kind of person. However, with him, I feel like that's what you do when you love someone. You do what it takes to make them happy. For our situation, it was keeping my mouth shut so that I didn't have an "attitude" and trying my best to be what he wanted.
> 
> I will look into co-dependence.



Was there a particular event that "pushed" you into this behavior or was it always like this?


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## TheSecretGarden14 (Feb 7, 2014)

I can't pinpoint an event. It wasn't like this in the beginning. I think a lot has to do with the kids. My dad was never there and I am more upset for the kids. That they have to live with our decision. Or more accurately, his decision. I think, subconsciously, I felt this would eventually happen, so I was doing what I thought would keep my family intact.
Edit to add: This is purely insecurity on my part. That if I did everything right, he would have no reason to leave me. He never actually said he would leave if I wasn't perfect. He is very passive-aggressive. Giving "suggestions" on how I should do things or making comments like, "I hope you enjoyed making that mistake."


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

TheSecretGarden14 said:


> I can't pinpoint an event. It wasn't like this in the beginning. I think a lot has to do with the kids. My dad was never there and I am more upset for the kids. That they have to live with our decision. Or more accurately, his decision. I think, subconsciously, I felt this would eventually happen, so I was doing what I thought would keep my family intact.



Been there done that. 

How long have you been in your "anything to save the marriage" state?


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## TheSecretGarden14 (Feb 7, 2014)

Ceegee said:


> Been there done that.
> 
> How long have you been in your "anything to save the marriage" state?


I would say since about early 2011. Which now answers the turning point question. We went through a really hard time about a year after our son was born. We had some set backs with medical bills and ended up having to file bankruptcy. He didn't take it well. Blamed himself since they were his medical bills (he got MRSA) and it has spiraled since then.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

TheSecretGarden14 said:


> I would say since about early 2011. Which now answers the turning point question. We went through a really hard time about a year after our son was born. We had some set backs with medical bills and ended up having to file bankruptcy. He didn't take it well. Blamed himself since they were his medical bills (he got MRSA) and it has spiraled since then.



You take it upon yourself to bring him out of this funk?


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## TheSecretGarden14 (Feb 7, 2014)

Ceegee said:


> You take it upon yourself to bring him out of this funk?


I did. I went back to work. I was a stay at home mom at the time. I kept telling him that we would survive. That we would bounce back. I tried to make him see that we were still alive and well. We still had our family and love. Back to above though, his love language is being a provider. Using money and things to show his love. All I could do was show him my love and support.


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## TheSecretGarden14 (Feb 7, 2014)

Things did get better for us, too. We live in a better house for less money, but we don't own it. He has an awesome job and huge garage for doing side work. When I got pregnant, I was able to quit my job again to stay home with the new baby. He just didn't get better.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

You are neither responsible for his happiness nor his unhappiness. 

The horrible things he says to you are part of his coping mechanisms. They keep him from dealing with his own issues. Don't listen to them. 

Try to take steps to ensure your own happiness. Those steps don't have to include him.


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## TheSecretGarden14 (Feb 7, 2014)

Ceegee said:


> You are neither responsible for his happiness nor his unhappiness.
> 
> The horrible things he says to you are part of his coping mechanisms. They keep him from dealing with his own issues. Don't listen to them.
> 
> Try to take steps to ensure your own happiness. Those steps don't have to include him.


Thanks. I needed to hear that. After looking into the co-dependency issues, I do realize this is exactly what I have done. I have put everything for me to the side. I try to do everything for him and the kids. I do for myself last and I need to stop. Thank you for talking me through that. I didn't even realize that was an issue for me.


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## ImaBasketcase (Oct 9, 2012)

You are worth much more than the way he is treating you. 

I'm so sorry. 

This is not about you, his unhappiness. You deserve better than this. I hate to even suggest it... could there be another woman in the picture? He seems awfully wishy-washy.

Stop living your life for him. Stop trying to be perfect for him. Find that inner awesome _you_ that somehow got lost in the depths of your marriage to a man who hasn't treated you with the respect you deserve. 

Make sure you're eating several small meals a day. Put that baby in a jogging stroller and walk/jog/run until you have sweated out all of this inner turmoil. This will help you sleep better. 

You can do this. Find your strong.


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## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

It sounds like he is not happy for whatever reason. You cannot control that. Selfish people tend to never find happiness because they always want.

Before you tear yourself apart wondering what you did wrong to cause this, please understand that sometimes people do not marry for the right reason. You cannot control that either.

You will read a lot of things here on TAM. The most important thing to learn is that you are not alone. Plenty of us here are going through what you are, including me.

Some will suggest the 180, some will mention codependency, ect. The 180 is for working on you and I think it's helpful. The codependency thing might be true for some; you can decide for yourself.

The thing is, even if you determine you were "codependent" it doesn't change what happened to you, nor did it cause it. The things that were said and done to you were done by someone who did not treat you right. Wondering why is normal. But the reason why they behaved that way is in the end unimportant.

You are not responsible for his emotions or actions. You can control yourself. How do you want to feel today? Tomorrow? Can you feel the way you want to with someone that is making no effort to love you right?

Hating someone is easy. Loving someone right takes effort. Letting go is the hardest thing ever.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

Pictureless said:


> It sounds like he is not happy for whatever reason. You cannot control that. Selfish people tend to never find happiness because they always want.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Actually, Pic, we teach people how to treat us. Garden needs to explore why she allowed herself to be treated this way. 

Codependents, a club I was also a member of, are horrible at creating and enforcing boundaries. 

It is important for all of us to learn our POS tendencies and grow from them in order to heal and be able to have healthy relationships in the future. 

Equally important is to learn how to spot the red flags in our potential partners.


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## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

Ceegee said:


> Actually, Pic, we teach people how to treat us. Garden needs to explore why she allowed herself to be treated this way.
> 
> Codependents, a club I was also a member of, are horrible at creating and enforcing boundaries.
> 
> ...


I agree with you. I just don't believe codependency is as prevalent as it's made out to be here. I think it's just a simple fact that some people either marry for the wrong reasons or that they change for the worse after being married.

We're all codependent on each other at some level when in a relationship. That's not true codependency. Everyone fails to create and enforce boundaries from time to time. When you love someone you take risks and make sacrifices. That's not true codependency, that's being decent and loving.

I honestly believe that assigning the term codependent to someone who has been victimized by a bad partner or spouse is just another coping mechanism. People can call it whatever they wish in their quest for assigning blame. As humans we want to know why when bad things happen to good people. Sometimes there is no explanation.

Sometime the reason is obvious: you married a jerk. They weren't a jerk when you married them, but they became one later. Not your fault, try to learn and move on.


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## TheSecretGarden14 (Feb 7, 2014)

He was a jerk when I married him. LOL. My first impression of him was that he was was a jerk. I fell in love with him though, because he I saw that he is a deeply caring person with his family and friends. He is type that will give you the shirt off his back, but don't screw him over. He is an awesome father and loves kids. I can still remember the moment I changed my mind about him. 

We were at my neices birthday party and he spent the whole time playing with the kids. I thought to myself how can he be such a jerk, if he is genuinely happy playing with 15 children. So, I have him a chance and I actually asked him out. 

I won't pretend everything was perfect during the three years we lived together before we married, but we were happy. He has a volatile temper. He has never been violent (or verbally abusive to me), but he can go from happy to extremely mad in seconds. I've seen him flip out on many other people, but he was always respectful when he was angry at me. It is only recently that he has started being hurtful. Usually he just gives me the silent treatment until he can calmly talk to me.

I am pretty confident that we married for all the right reasons. It wasn't a marriage of convenience and we were engaged six months before our son was conceived. At least on my part. I was adamant about not having children until I was married. I never wanted to be in a position where I didn't know if my H lived me or married for the sake of the kids. Now, I do wonder if he married me just to be able to have kids. I just don't know how much of it was real anymore. I am second guessing every moment of our life together. 
As to the co-dependency, I am a very vocal "tell it like it is" woman. I have been accused of being intimidating on many occasions. He has actually told me before that part of what attracted him to me was that I wasn't afraid of being a B. I think my emotional dependency on him took a turn toward unhealthy. There is a big difference between being leaning on each other for support and happiness and living your life just to make that person happy. That became mybone and only thought. Every decision or thought I have always comes back to how will this make him feel. What will he think? Will he be mad if I do this?
Even now, I am not standing up to him. When he was ready to leave he told me I was responsible for all the bills in the house if I stayed. He wasn't paying my car payment and wasn't paying me directly for the kids. He would buy anything they needed and he wanted to switch off every week so he wasn't responsible for any child support. I didn't stand up to him. I said whatever you want. When I told my best friend the arraignment she went off on him. Telling him how he was an insensitive jerk. THEN, he said he would pay everything until I was on my feet. Why couldn't I tell him that? If he were anyone else I would have been a B.
So, I think codependency is pretty accurate.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

Have you consulted an attorney yet?


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## TheSecretGarden14 (Feb 7, 2014)

Ceegee said:


> Have you consulted an attorney yet?


Yes, but I can't afford one. No one in this area will work with payments and legal aid will not help because I have no grounds. We went to a mediator to come up with a fair agreement for separate maintenance and support. Our state doesn't recognize legal separation. You have to file the agreement like a contract. It doesn't change anything except what is considered in the contract and it gives documentation that you are living apart. After one year and a day we can file for divorce. Once I get a job, I plan on getting a lawyer to handle the divorce and iron out child custody/support.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

You have a tough road ahead. It is also, however, a good opportunity to exert yourself a little more. 

You are being relieved of your perceived responsibility to make him happy and sacrifice of self. 

Take good care of yourself emotionally and physically. 

Come back here and tell us what's going on.

What does his family think about what's going on between you two?


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## TheSecretGarden14 (Feb 7, 2014)

Ceegee said:


> You have a tough road ahead. It is also, however, a good opportunity to exert yourself a little more.
> 
> You are being relieved of your perceived responsibility to make him happy and sacrifice of self.
> 
> ...


They are siding with him, obviously. They have money and threatened to help him sue for full custody. He shut them down on that. I don't know how far I trust that, though. His mom has made gifts for us that she doesn't want me to have. Things like a picture blanket with pictures of our son's first year. I'm taking it anyway. It was a Christmas gift to me.
His sister is not taking sides. She and I are really close, but this has had a huge effect on our relationship.
My mom has taken it hard. She was a single mom for 12 years and thinks he will be a deadbeat like my dad was. She wrote him a nasty email that just made things worse and in the event we do reconcile it will make things hard.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

On what grounds would they try to sue for full custody?

Is there something they believe you done to lose them?


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## TheSecretGarden14 (Feb 7, 2014)

Ceegee said:


> On what grounds would they try to sue for full custody?
> 
> Is there something they believe you done to lose them?


They just think he is getting the raw end of the deal. He agreed to only getting our son every other weekend and our daughter for 8 hrs EO Saturday. She is still exclusively breastfeeding and I don't have enough milk saved up for an over night. As soon as I do he will keep her only on Saturday night until she is weaned. 
They want him to have 50/50, but wanted to push for full to scare me into cooperation. His words.


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## TheSecretGarden14 (Feb 7, 2014)

Also, I am not against 50/50, I just feel our children are too young for that at this time and he has forced my hand to move in with my parents. They live in another county so week to week will not work with my son being in school.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Garden: You are at best, his "Plan B!" And although painful, you must continue to do "the 180" on his sorry undeserving a$$. Go get yourself a "piranha lawyer" who will take his sorry a$$ to the cleaners. You deserve far better out of life!

Look after yourself and those precious kids!*


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

TheSecretGarden14 said:


> Also, I am not against 50/50, I just feel our children are too young for that at this time and he has forced my hand to move in with my parents. They live in another county so week to week will not work with my son being in school.



I feel the same as you do about this. 

Both parents should be focused on the kids' priorities not their own selfish interest. 

You should stick to your guns on this but offer a time when you feel the kids would be old enough to benefit from a 50/50 split.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Ceegee said:


> The horrible things he says to you are part of his coping mechanisms. They keep him from dealing with his own issues. Don't listen to them.


This is superb advice. And this is how men like your husband keep a codependent spouse in the loop. My estranged husband b!tched about me to the point that he started making up crap he "believed" I had done just to keep me under his thumb.

I spent several agonizing years feeling responsible for his happiness. Mine? I didn't deserve to be happy. After all, hubs was telling me what a bum I was often enough to keep me mired in the codependent struggle to please him and ignore my own needs.

My husband coped this way because it permitted him to get a free pass to continue wallowing in his alcoholism. He never dealt with his own issues, so I walked out the door in late September 2009.

Yes, we who practically kill ourselves to be the perfect spouse for these type of people learn the hard way that no matter what we do, it will NEVER be enough.

Get off the ride. You deserve a lot more out of life than this. It wasn't until I gave myself permission to live my own life that I was able to scrape my husband off the bottom of my shoes and move on.


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## TheSecretGarden14 (Feb 7, 2014)

Today was hard. It was moving day. I moved in with my parents. I had a few breakdowns while packing everything up last night. Its hard to choose which pictures to take or even which toys will bring S5 the most comfort. 
We also signed the separation agreement and had it notarized. His sister was the notary and that was painful. Not that she was the one to do it, but just seeing her. She and I are close and it hurt to see her hurting, too. I broke down and told her how much I don't want this. She just hugged me while I ugly cried.
But on a good note, I was strong when I met him to get S5 this evening. I barely talked to him and gave him a cheerful goodbye. I picked up two books today. One on getting your partner back. So far, it mirrors the 180. The other one is a self reflection work book. Its supposed to help identify areas you are unhappy with and help make changes to fix it. Hope it helps.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

TheSecretGarden14 said:


> Today was hard. It was moving day. I moved in with my parents. I had a few breakdowns while packing everything up last night. Its hard to choose which pictures to take or even which toys will bring S5 the most comfort.
> We also signed the separation agreement and had it notarized. His sister was the notary and that was painful. Not that she was the one to do it, but just seeing her. She and I are close and it hurt to see her hurting, too. I broke down and told her how much I don't want this. She just hugged me while I ugly cried.
> But on a good note, I was strong when I met him to get S5 this evening. I barely talked to him and gave him a cheerful goodbye. I picked up two books today. One on getting your partner back. So far, it mirrors the 180. The other one is a self reflection work book. Its supposed to help identify areas you are unhappy with and help make changes to fix it. Hope it helps.



Sorry for the rough day. 

Self improvement always helps whether it gets you what you think you want or not.


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## ReGroup (Dec 6, 2012)

TheSecretGarden14 said:


> I picked up two books today. One on getting your partner back.


Any way you can return this book and get your money back?



TheSecretGarden14 said:


> The other one is a self reflection work book.


Sounds like a keeper.

The purpose of the 180 is to help you detach from your POS husband - not to get him back. It guides you on how to become a stronger person.

He's given you an opportunity to find yourself again. Answer the door.

The hell with him.


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## TheSecretGarden14 (Feb 7, 2014)

I was doing good on the 180, until today. We are a month into our separation and his mother reached out to me for the first time. She told me she thinks he is going through a midlife crisis. She wanted to ask if it was true that *I* wanted this. Apparently, he told them that I kicked him out and I wanted a divorce. This was all on him. I told her that this is tearing me apart and that I most definitely didn't want it. She goes on to ask me if I think he is having an EA with the neighbor. She is a single mom and she was friends with both us.
He talked to her when my post partum depression stuff started and they talk a lot because she is trying to find a new car and he flips carsover Craig's list. I don't think it was a physical relationship, but as she is telling me her thoughts on it, I remember a few days ago when he got pissed off that I was even talking to her. WTF? Why is mad about me talking to her, but not any of my other friends? So Icalled them both on it. She denies it vehemently and seems very upset I would even consider it, but said she understands I had to ask.
He neither denied it or confirmed it. He was more worried about who said it could be a possibility. Which leads me to believe that he may have thought she was an option, but she wasn't interested.
He told me at the end that it was 100% over and he couldn't understand why no one wanted to accept that he just wasnt in love with me anymore.I told him it was because he was sending mixed messages when he says things like, "if we get back together" and when I am trying to 180 and he keeps asking if I am doing ok and telling me he still cares. So, I told him I was done trying and I hope he finds what makes him happy. Then I stopped responding. 
He called tonight to talk to DS and I answered without saying hello. I just said here is DS. Let them talk a few minutes and when they were done, I hung up without saying goodbye. I can't take his crap anymore. All the wishy washy behavior and trying to make this all my fault. I'm done.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

As you were. 

Continue on your path. 

You are doing fine.


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

Garden ~

You must trust me when I say this to you. 
Don't try to figure him out. 
Protect yourself emotionally. 
Love yourself.

Very Hurt


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## TheSecretGarden14 (Feb 7, 2014)

Last weekend, I dropped off
the kids and dropped off the copies of the court documents needed before we can proceed with the court he threatened me with. When I returned after church to pick up the kids, he said he didn't want to take me to court he was just mad and that we could stick to our Separate Support and Maintenance Agreement and our current filed custody/ child support arrangement. I told him if he ever threatened me with court for any reason, he had better be ready, because I would fight back. 
I told him I give up and I'm not going hope for anything or chase him anymore. He said I would be better off with someone who knew how to love better. I told him he had no right to make decisions about what was best for me and to stop making decisions for himself based on what is good for me, too. I left it at that and we have only spoken about the kids and financial issues since then.

Then he sends me this today:
If I could take you to one place, 
to one very special place,
I would take you to my heart.

You would sweep through it, like fresh rain.
Swirling across my landscape.
Drenching on my soul.
Blossoming hope, in my wounded places.

And, in return, I would fashion a world there, for you.
A space where you could sit, quietly.
A place where you could laugh, uncontrollably.
A moment when you could love, unreservedly.

In my heart, you would rest.
Wrapped in my spirit.
Warmed by my heat.
Riding at the very center of me.

I have learned much of love.
And much that I have learned is hard.
But I have not let it harden my heart.
There is a place there, for you.

This was with a personal message that said he just wanted me to know he still cared and still loved me. He still wants to be a part of my life, even if it is a huge step back. What a mind screw.
I'm not going to go running back over a poem, but now I don't know what to do or say. Right now, I am still in shock. Do I continue the 180 or engage a conversation? My mind is every where. Is just another attempt at manipulation or something truly heartfelt? I feel like a teenager wondering if he loves me or just wants a chance to get in my pants.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TheSecretGarden14 (Feb 7, 2014)

I've been crying since yesterday. I hate that I let him get to me this way.

After the poem, I had gotten my hopes up that maybe, just maybe, we could move forward together. Then, he asked if I was dating. When I told him no, he informed me he was thinking if going out with someone. No one in particular, but if he was to figure out what he wanted he needed to experiment. I was floored. 

I realize now that he doesn't care or love me. Anyone who did would be spending sleepless nights trying to figure out how to fix things rather than worrying about their dating life. If he really loved and cared for me, he wouldn't want to cause me this pain. If he really cared he wouldnt send manipulating mixed messages. 

I am so angry at myself for not realizing this sooner. I am angry at him for being so heartless.


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## struggle (May 13, 2013)

He's sounds extremely selfish. What's the point of giving you a poem like that and then asking about dating other people? 
He wants to keep you in his tangled web of emotional manipulation while he experiments?? 

Definitely read up on co-dependence. 

I am the same way and have co-dependence issues in my relationships. I'm a very giving and loving person, but I thrive on acknowledgement and reciprocation. Unfortunately I seem to choose narcissists who only know about themselves and their own needs and emotions. If YOUR not making them happy, then you're doing something wrong. And their expectations are always ridiculous. It turns into a situation where you can't do anything right. They stomp on your heart and are completely oblivious to it. 

Unfortunately it sounds like you need to harden your heart to him, otherwise he will keep hurting you deep. I'm sorry to hear about the pain you're going through.


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## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

TheSecretGarden14 said:


> I've been crying since yesterday. I hate that I let him get to me this way.
> 
> After the poem, I had gotten my hopes up that maybe, just maybe, we could move forward together. Then, he asked if I was dating. When I told him no, he informed me he was thinking if going out with someone. No one in particular, but if he was to figure out what he wanted he needed to experiment. I was floored.
> 
> ...


I feel your pain. Reading your words makes me sad because I know how you feel. It sucks. It sucks so bad.

I don't know how people can just fall out of love but they do. It seems so cruel and heartless. 

I hope you feel better soon.


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## TheSecretGarden14 (Feb 7, 2014)

Thanks, Struggle and Pictureless. I have had a lot of pain in my life. This takes the cake. Knowing he chooses to not love me anymore is the worst part. I just feel like such a fool and while my rational mind knows this all him, my heart is screaming "what the hell is wrong with me? Why am I unlovable?"


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Poetry takes time to compose. So if he wrote it himself, that means he cares about you. The comment about dating shows that he is profoundly immature. It could be that he felt that he had shown himself to be too vulnerable in the poem and wanted to show that he could "stand up" for himself and his rights.

The right to strange nookie while your wait for your suffering estranged wife to come down like rain and wash all the dirt out of your heart. Stream of consciousness in disordered thinking is his style of communication. He seems not to be 100% in the ability to empathize. He may never succeed on this count.

Stick with the 180. You will probably have to make a new life for yourself. He does not look promising. The more resolutely you cut him out of your life, the better.

There is a woman who is a bit ahead of you in this. She has a clover as her meme. TH... I will check.

ICLH

Also, Juicy.


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## TheSecretGarden14 (Feb 7, 2014)

Longwalk- he didn't write it himself. It took some sleuthing, but I found it on a poetry website. It took me a while to find it, so I thought he must have been looking hard to find the right words. 
I told him earlier today that I don't want anymore mixed signals. I am not going to date until the divorce is final. I took meant my vows when I said them. If he didn't that's on his own conscience. I reiterated that if he does, he is NOT to have them around our children until the divorce is final.
I would love to read the other lady's story.


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## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

TheSecretGarden14 said:


> Thanks, Struggle and Pictureless. I have had a lot of pain in my life. This takes the cake. Knowing he chooses to not love me anymore is the worst part. I just feel like such a fool and while my rational mind knows this all him, my heart is screaming "what the hell is wrong with me? Why am I unlovable?"


This might not be what you want to hear, but you've said it yourself: he doesn't love you. Like my wife doesn't love me. I don't think she's making a choice not to love me, I think she just doesn't. It happens. I don't know why. Why doesn't matter ultimately. 

You have to let go and move on. It sucks but there's nothing else to do.


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## TheSecretGarden14 (Feb 7, 2014)

I think my WAH is a sociopath. He told me today that he never really loved me or thought we were meant to be together. He didn't regret our time together, but he needs to find true love. 
Well that is just great. Apparently the last eight years has been a total lie on his part. I loved him with every ounce I had. He didn't say he was sorry, just that I should know so that I can have closure. Oh, but he still wants to be friends.


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## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

TheSecretGarden14 said:


> I think my WAH is a sociopath. He told me today that he never really loved me or thought we were meant to be together. He didn't regret our time together, but he needs to find true love.
> Well that is just great. Apparently the last eight years has been a total lie on his part. I loved him with every ounce I had. He didn't say he was sorry, just that I should know so that I can have closure. Oh, but he still wants to be friends.


WTF! Scary...and you used to lie next to him in bed. So, are you guys going to the movies Friday night?


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## TheSecretGarden14 (Feb 7, 2014)

Seriously, Pictureless! LOL
He meets all the criteria for sociopath. Not to be confused with psychopath. A sociopath is charming and fakes all emotion. They lack empathy and remorse. Above all they hide this side of themselves so as to seem normal. A psychopath, in comparison, has all of the above, except they are flamboyant about their lack of emotion instead of hiding it. Sociopaths just don't give a sh!t and psychopaths do it for sh!ts and giggles.


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## TheSecretGarden14 (Feb 7, 2014)

Well, they finally came clean. STBXH finally admitted he had sex with the neighbor. The same girl I felt he had a EA with. I immediately confronted her on it and she lied. I dragged her over to his house and made them face me together. She still lied. She finally broke and sobbed about how it was only one night when she was wasted. Like that was a good excuse. Then she played the victim card said she guessed that is what she got for trusting people. She trusted us because she had no one else and this us what she got for trying to help us! She also said she only attracted guys that want to use her. 
I told her that she was the worst kind if who** and she wouldn't have that problem if she quit sleeping with married men. That the ONLY reason my fist wasn't in her throat, was because my children were in the house. I told them both they were POS and that she was to never be around my children ever. There was quite a bit more raving from me, but I will spare you.
I immediately sent out messages and phone calls to expose the affair. POSOW has threatened to sue me for slandering. LOL You can't sue me for exposing the truth. STBXH wants me to stop so she doesn't lose her own kid. Because yes, she hasn't finalized her own divorce and her STBXH has told her he will fight for full custody if she steps out on the marriage before the ink is dry. F that. She should have thought about that before she did it. What kind of mother willing does something that she knows could threaten her child?
Long story short he is ready to give up everyone (including his own parents who he came clean to as well) to be with her, but he won't admit to adultery in court to get this done and over with. Because he doesn't want me to take him for everything.
He thinks I still need physical proof when he has already admitted it to me and his parents. They will not commit purgery for him. They are disgusted with his behavior. This is a huge mess and I fear it will only get worse.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

TheSecretGarden14 said:


> I think my WAH is a sociopath. He told me today that he never really loved me or thought we were meant to be together. He didn't regret our time together, but he needs to find true love.
> Well that is just great. Apparently the last eight years has been a total lie on his part. I loved him with every ounce I had. He didn't say he was sorry, just that I should know so that I can have closure. *Oh, but he still wants to be friends.*


*Yeah, and he'll divorce you, marry some other beauty queen, get all of the "goody" out of them, divorce them, then add to his simply wonderful plethora of "friends!"

What he really needs is to have his horny a$$ kicked!"*


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## TheSecretGarden14 (Feb 7, 2014)

arbitrator said:


> *Yeah, and he'll divorce you, marry some other beauty queen, get all of the "goody" out of them, divorce them, then add to his simply wonderful plethora of "friends!"
> 
> What he really needs is to have his horny a$$ kicked!"*


Yeah he does. Her, too. She pretended to be my friend. Made me feel like a horrible person for accusing them of EA when it had already become a PA.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

TheSecretGarden14 said:


> Yeah he does. Her, too. She pretended to be my friend. Made me feel like a horrible person for accusing them of EA when it had already become a PA.


*And always remember, my dear, the ages-old proverb: "What goes around, comes around!"*


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