# Emotional Affair



## Feeling Helpless (Mar 15, 2010)

My wife is having an emotional affair. It has been going on for over a year. We have been married for 7 years. We have one child, less than 2 years old. 

About a year before she got pregnant, she had an emotional affair with an old boyfriend she found on Facebook. I discovered this and it took me almost a year to get over it after confronting her about it. Then, we got pregnant. Things were going better. The pregnancy was not planned. Acutally, she had had trouble conceiving. We didn't think she could get pregnant.

About two months before she got pregnant, I started hanging out with a new friend. We played ball together. We would go to his house, drink a few beers, watch ballgames or play video games. She detested my friend. Then one day I lied and took a day off work to play games and drink. Have a day of fun. I didn't tell her because I knew what she would say, "you would rather spend time with your friend than with your wife." This is not true. She and I did everything together. I don't have many friends of my own. We always do things with her friends.

Well, she threatened to leave me of my lying about being at work and taking off to play video games and drink beer. She calmed down. I don't have many friends of my own. We do most everything with her friends. I don't have any buddies but the one that I hang out with.

Over the next few months she became closer friends with a guy at her work. She and I began to hang out with him, his wife, and their teenage son. A very nice faimly, but they too were not without problems. My wife and the husband became very close. I knew it was getting to the point of becoming inappropriate and confronted them both with my concerns. I never mentioned anything to his wife. They both said they understood my concerns. Still nothing happened. One day my wife admitted to me they both had feelings for each other, soulmates.

I continued hanging out with my friend. My wife doesn't like anything that takes me away from her. I would play ball and go have a beer afterwards about once a week during the summer. I would try and be home by 11:00PM. On occassion it was later. On three instances I didn't come home at all. Once was after a she and I had a fight. The second was because the last time I had gone out she yelled and screamed at me and I didn't want to bare her wrath when I came home. The third was because I was too drunk to drive home so I was trying to be responsible and not drive home. I carshed at my friends house.

During the next few months the man's wife began to suspect something. Well, now they are divorced. My wife is still talking to the guy. I feel helpless. She won't stop talking to him. They talk and text every day. She and I have grown apart. I resent her relationship with him. She knows this. I am close to a breaking point and don't know what to do.


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

First off, I am very sorry this is something you are having to go through. It's very tough, heartbreaking and can leave you feeling helpless. There is hope though. 

At one point you and your wife cared enough about each other to choose to get married. Your task, if you wish to save your marriage, is not only to get back to that point, but to also remove the issues which caused this trouble in the first place. 

By that I mean - what you originally had was good enough for you two to choose to be married - but at the same time, there were things that both of you were doing that tore away, bit by bit, the structure that was your marriage, leaving you in your current situation.

The first question to ask yourself is: "What am I willing to do to save my marriage?" Or - "What is my wife worth to me?"

I also want to put this out into the open right at the first:* no matter how bad things are at home, an affair is wrong.* It is _not_ the correct way to address and fix any problem. I wanted to get that out of the way because for a while, you will most likely be working on YOU. You cannot change her. You cannot make her do anything she is not willing to do. At least, not morally, or without risking jail time. You can change you though. You can become the man she once loved - and more than that, a man that she can love in the future.

So...first things first.

1) This is an emotional affair, which means that your wife is turning to another man to receive things that she should be receiving from you. The affair has destroyed one marriage, it is destroying another. It needs to stop. 

Hence, sit down with her, and _calmly_ let her know how much this is harming you, and the marriage. Hopefully (without knowing the answer to the question I asked above) you are willing to do whatever it takes to save your marriage. Let her know this. And then ask her to cut off ALL contact with this Other Man.

She most likely will refuse. Expect that. Don't try to force her to do anything - all you need to do right now is simply make the statement. From here on you'll be working on the solution - with or without her. 

2) Find out why affairs start.

3) Find out the purpose of why she should have NO contact with the Other Man. Note that right now this information is for your benefit only.

4) And then, take this quiz (by yourself, pretending you are her). This will give you some clues as to things you need to work on. I suggest taking this step first, before learning what it is she needs to feel loved, because as long as you are dumping gallons of water on the fire that is your love, it won't matter how much wood you throw on that fire - it's still going to go out.

Keep posting here -you'll get a lot of good advice. And some weird advice. But you should be able to glean the good from the bad. You are among friends here.

Welcome.


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