# at a loss here...



## youngndumb (Apr 20, 2010)

I had an earlier post and got some great advice from people. I guess I'm writing this looking for some support and advice. To back track... Me and my wife got married and were great for about a year. We started having problems that probably could've been fixed with some minor counsiling, but I didn't want to go because I didn't believe in counciling (Which was dumb and if you are against it u need to re-evaluate). But we separated and I moved out. We were still married at the time, but in my mind we were done and I was already moved out so there was no need to wait on a divorce. I dated a few girls and yes slept with them. My wife dated as well but swore that she never slept with any of them. Me and my wife were separated that time for about 3 months. I never fell in love with anyone else or even put anything into the relationships I was in. My wife began to fight for our marriage after we split and I eventualy saw the light and I moved back in with her. Things were going good then for a while, but there was this guy that she worked with that always made me uncomfortable and I asked her not to talk to him and to not confide in him, but I found out they were hanging out at work and outside of work while I was at work (We work for the same company). This guy was a guy she dated while we were separated the first time. This always made me uncofortable and every time I would confront her about it she would say that the guy liked her but there was nothing there. Now on that same note she asked me to not talk to other girls and one in particular that I had dated while we were separated that in all honesty I deleted from my phone, but she would text even though it was unwanted and my wife checked my phone pretty regularly (and I didn't mind) and would see these texts of "Hey what's up" or etc and get upset. Then we fell apart again. I had my part I know, I was very distant, and very detatched from our marriage. I was not cheating during this time and I wasn't talking to any other girls besides work friends or old friends and it was all small talk. Anyway we split up again and I moved out... After I moved out I realized that I love my wife very much and made some big mistakes in our marriage mostly having to do with communication and my lack there of. But we were separated for about a month and I went out drinking with my friends one night and I was talking about her all night and telling my friends how much I missed her and loved her. My friends and I all came up with the bright idea that we should go to her aparatment so I could tell her how I felt. When we were separating the second time we found out she was a month pregnant.
When I showed up at her apartment I knocked on the door (Bout 3 in the morning) and the guy she was talking to from work and had went out on a date with previously was there with her staying the night.... She got very mad at me for showing up. After that I turned into an emotional idiot. She told me that she loved him and was finaly happy and hadn't been for as long as we'd been together. She told me that he's everything I'm not etc etc. hurt me for sure. I was texting her all the time how much I loved her, how stupid I was, all the mistakes i made and how sorry I was. And obviosly it just pushed her away. I put a very self biased version of what happened on here and got some excellent responses back and some advice that worked great...
Until today... relations between me and my wife have been going great. We have been happy and talking. Not about anything important but just kind of as friends. She would text me every now and then about our child that is on the way (Yes she is pregnant with my child). I have been going to every appointment and conversations have been light and happy. But today she had an appointment which I attended and everything was going fine, but she kept asking me what was wrong... I was taken back by this because at this appointment, like every other appointment and conversation, I was smiling and acting happy even though my insides were ripping out, and I was bringing up nothing about our relatioship. Having done this every time we talked and at every appointment I didn't see what the difference was and why she kept asking me what was wrong... So as we're walking out of the doctors office she asks me for about the millionth time before we're about to get in the car what's wrong and I said, "It's just hard you know..." To which she replied this is hard for me to. Then she said I don't understand what gives. When we were married you didn't want to talk and were so distant, and now u aren't, I think that you have a case of the greener grass. Then as I was about to say something to that she huridly says well I'm late for work and gotta go so I'll talk to you later and jumps in her car and leaves. So I'm kinda feeling good about that... It seems to me that she's thinkin about us, and was wondering about things.
So I take this as an oportunity to maybe open up some relationship discussion and text her to ask her why things were hard for her. She says I don't know I think any divorce is hard to go through. So I write back there doesn't have to be a divorce, I love you and realize the mistakes I've made and want to better the relationship and work for our love. She never responds to this so after 4 hours I write a long message about how much I love her, and also talking about her man now. I said and believe that any man who would interject himself into a failing marraige and let a married woman confide in him about a relationship is no man at all. And especially the fact that he would date her while she is married, pregnant, and knows that her husband still loves her and wants to fight for the marriage makes him no man at all. (I realize that I dated when we separated the first time, but did not after I found out my wife wanted to work on our marriage) Also I've been told by several people at work that they have pools going on about how long it takes for this guy to sleep around on my wife and their relationship... I've always believed that Love would conquer all, but that's not the case. I'm trying to learn from this situation and believe I have learned a lot, but I'm trying to see any hope in this situation and cannot. I've been so depressed I know it's making things worse. I can't eat, can't sleep, keep callin in to work, when I do go to work I'm like a bum cause I can't do anything but think about her, and I know it's goin around. I know she hears about it, cause one of her friends came to me and told me she's enjoying everything I'm going through... I don't understand how this can be... I never wanted her to hurt. Even when we separated or were fighting I would never want her to be in pain and now she's enjoying mine... I've got to get my life back.. I've got to move on and find my joy in life again. I'm writing to ask if anyone out there has any tips or insight on this... How do I move on? How do you pick up after a divorce especially one this rough? It's been about 2 months since the drunken night I showed up on her doorstep and I thought things were going better until today. It's like my heart won't let me give up hope. I love her so much, but all the pain I'm feeling I'm causing myself! Any help or words of wisdom would be much appreciated.


----------



## cantletgo (Mar 22, 2010)

I feel for you as it sounds like you are really trying to make amends. I also understand how you feel about this other man, as I said similar things about my H's OW. However, throwing yourself at her and putting him down will get you nowhere. My advice would be to back it off a notch. No more messages about how much you love her, miss her, hate this other man. Give her some space, let her know that you are willing to make the necessary changes to be a better husband, but let her come to you. Go ahead and get on with your life, friends, work, hobbies. Anything to get you out of the house and moving. Believe me, I know about feeling paralyzed and terrified to make a move, but it's the best thing you can do. Maybe drop her a line every few days to see if everything is ok, but don't smother her. She has a lot of pain and anger to work through, which is probably why she's getting some pleasure from yours. But you've got to pull yourself together, go ahead and start going to counseling on your own so that you can put yourself back together. I've learned that the desparate, crying, pleading mess we all become when this happens is not attractive, and will only continue to push her away. Hope this helps in some way.


----------

