# Confront wife about secret emails



## zutnick (Feb 10, 2010)

Here is the scoop then my questions. The man who took my wifes virginity 25 years ago friended her on Facebook. She told me about it and also showed me his profile. What she failed to tell me is that they have started an on going converstion via FB email. I had a funny feeling about this guy, so I installed a keystroke logger to monitor the emails. It only took a mention of an upcoming vacation for him to drop a hint. I quote "I would love to go on vacation; it's been far to long. Do you travel much?"

To my wife's defense she has said or done nothing inappropriate in her emails. She has just been talking about politics, life, etc..

So my questions is do I confront her? I feel betrayed about the secrecy. I know if it was turned around she wouldn't be happy. Plus this guy is willing to take it all the way if given the chance. We do live about a 1000 miles away so I'm not worried about a hook up, but who knows.

FYI: I have copies of every email and his home address and wife's name.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Just tell her that you have a bad feeling about it and leave it at that.

Continue to monitor the email etc and don't blow the cover of the keylogger.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Call his wife.


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## f1r3f1y3 (Dec 8, 2009)

I had a similar problem and frankly it drove me completely insane. I couldn't really tell her what I knew (she had given her number to a guy she met on the internet) or she'd know I had been snooping which would severely annoy her and prevent me finding out anything else.

My advise to you would be to hang on as long as possible to see how their relationship develops.

The fact she wants to chat to an ex in the first place maybe means she is not 100% happy with her relationship with you? Or maybe she just hasn't thought much about it.

Have you thought about casually saying "an ex of mine keeps chatting to me online, do you mind if I chat back to her?", that'd be an interesting conversation!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Just call the wife and say "I'd like to keep my source of information hidden from my wife for now, so if you talk to your husband, please don't let him know how you found out - for now. Maybe this will be enough to stop the affair - just telling them we know."


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## zutnick (Feb 10, 2010)

Thanks all for the advice. 

Update. On the 13th she sent him an email saying "hope your having a great valentines day " His response was same to you. Then he asked her if someday if she could come see his cabin in the woods. I'm sure he just wants to show her the solor panels he installed. Ha Ha!! Obviously it would be hard for her to go based on the distance btwn us. 

This feels like cheating to me. Maybe even worse then the if she was actually sleeping with the guy. I want to confront her and mail all of the evidence to this guys wife, but she still has not mentioned getting together or any sexuall talk with this guy. On the other hand asking him how was his V-day seems to be very flirtatuious.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I think I would be tempted to not blow my source right now. Instead, I would bring up a 'what if' and make it eerily similar to what she's going through. That way, you're not saying you know she's doing something. You're just saying you could understand how a person could develop feelings for an old flame, start talking, and then start wondering what would things be like if you left your husband for that old flame, because you have this fantasy in your head of what life would be like with that old flame. Remind her that the reality there would be that this old flame isn't dealing with day to day drudgery, thus their brief time together is all happy and fun, and thus just seems totally wonderful, but what would happen if the wife had to deal with this guy every day? Would he hold her head over the toilet? Or would he just want sex and drop her if she became too much trouble? Tell her that you heard about a woman whose first love showed up after 30 years and wooed her all over again, and she completely changed for the guy; only to find out he was still married, had no intention of divorcing his wife, but wanted a woman to scr&w on the side whenever he came to town - it broke that woman's heart. Because she didn't stop to think that many men simply think only with their other brain, and have no qualms sweet-talking an old flame cos they figure she's an easy lay. (that woman was my mother)

Just give her something to think about. Try that first.


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## mocon (Feb 16, 2010)

First off, please do not call his wife or reach out to her, at least not based on what you have here so far. Why be the cause of possibly destroying another marriage? You don't need that on your head. I'm not saying that this guy might not have something on his mind but there is scarcely anything going on here (so far), and nothing at all from your wife's side. I'd say if he continues to press it and gets more forward, you might want to reach out to him instead, say who you are and know what he's trying and to end it there, or maybe you'll send the whole email thread to his wife. That would end it right there, assuming it even gets that far. And just a word of warning - if she ever finds out you popped a keylogger onto her account, that could change things between you for the long-term, I've seen it before. She hasn't done anything wrong to this point, other than a slightly flirtatious email about Valentine's Day, so don't overreact.


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## jaclynnbaker (Jan 30, 2009)

not to be off topic but you got my attention. what is this keylogger and is it free? my hubby is a computer whiz but I wanna see what he is doing.


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## scarletblue (May 20, 2009)

First, let me say that I do not agree with her keeping the emails from you. In my opinion, if you're hiding it, then you know it is wrong on some level.

I do have to say, though. If I read your quote correctly....he is talking about wanting to go on a vacation. He didn't say he wanted to go with your wife. Heck! I would love to go on a vacation too! Lots of people would and just don't have time, money, etc...to do so. My boss and I asked each other how our respective Valentine's Days went. That sure doesn't mean we want to have an affair. The secretary at my hubby's job asked my hubby what he did for Vanlentine's Day. Am I worried? No. It's conversation. "How was your weekend" sort of stuff.

The fact that your wife is keeping this from you is the only problem I see. I think you COULD be reading way to much into this.


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## bbelmont (Feb 8, 2010)

ask her to see the emails between the two of them, see how she reacts and take action. if she lets you see them no problem, you got nothing to worry about. if she gets defensive and angry reveal your suspicion. but DO NOT reveal the keylogger. if she is planning something, no matter how long distance, that is your ace in the hole. 

also, Distance means nothing in todays wired world. sure they cant "hook up" but they can do other things that would be problematic. photos, web cam, use your imagination.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

I don't think it's secret or even flirtatious. I email all sorts of people through my FB account and I'm sure my ex wouldn't have wanted to know about each and every one. She already told you she was in contact with him, she wasn't hiding that. It's routine to have conversations with people who are your FB friends. You've jumped from the re-connection to all sorts of assumptions about its meaning. It is just an old friendship right now. There is nothing remotely "affair" like about it and you are really reading too much into it. The very fact that you took her honesty--hey, I've reconnected with an ex, here it is--as an opening to spy on her suggests YOU have the problem. Now you will probably treat her differently, and then she will start to look for someone in whom to confide her concerns. Or, she'll just think you are an a** and leave you (if you continue to be paranoid for no reason). Seriously, get a grip. According to you all she did was friend the guy on FB and told you about it--making sure you knew she was reconnected to him. Her behavior since then is 100% above board. "Have a happy Valentine's Day" or some variation is normal holiday fare. How you get flirtatious out of that, I don't know. 

You need to think about why you feel so threatened and talk to her--maybe let her know that you've felt uncomfortable and threatened by knowing she's reconnected to him and would she be willing to stop contact or, better yet, share everything with you. You will be in deep s*it if she finds out you spied on her for nothing more than telling truth, b/c she isn't guilty of anything.


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## MerryMerry (Dec 6, 2009)

I agree with the latter folks, this is no "affair." You probably feel threatened by the guy since he was her "first." I read some of my husband's stuff online where he admitted to having fantasies about other women (and men!) I confronted him in the middle of a counseling session, completely admitting to what I'd done and how I'd gotten that info. I didn't care because all the stuff he said about me on there shifted from what I'd done. (He said some pretty disturbing stuff that I won't get into.) But the point is that your wife has been completely forthcoming and doesn't seem to have any ill-intentions. You need to get a hold of yourself and talk to her about your needs: you need more reassurance that she loves you. You need to know that you're the only one. You need (fill in the blank.) Don't start setting your marriage up for failure by creating problems....live in the solution. I know you want to be able to trust her, but ask yourself, should she really trust you right now with this spying business? Delete the keylogger thing and work on building a healthier marriage. Seriously...just delete it.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

I agree with the last two posters this is NOT A AFFAIR!!! She told you!! She hasn't said anything at all!! If you really feel like there is some temptation and yearning wait for the evidence don't squeal now.

Really this is what the world has come too? You can't talk to people at work, in the neighborhood, old friends, old flames, old classmates, at the gym, at the park, or you're having a affair? Really? That is a sad state IMO if people really think that. 

The guy may have the worst intentions, but even if he does, he hasn't said anything yet. I think you are reading way too much into it. I don't think it's anything I talk to tons of old friends over Facebook girlss and guy. My wife is still friends with a Ex boyfriend or two they are old friends of mine and my wife's best friend is my first girlfriend......if we thought like you we would go freaking nuts.


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