# Non Verbal Communication (NVC) part 2



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Kitchen hugs are the best. 

W is at the sink or counter and I come up behind her. The flow of touch has no startle factor to it. Hips gently touching at an angle as I square up (now straight behind her) and lean forward, she melts back into me and I gently but firmly envelope her in my arms. Is that soft sigh of happiness, like the start of a cat purring, coming from me, from her or from both of us?


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Love this, MEM. My husband does this too, and it is indeed a critical factor in the happiness and strength of our marriage.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

MEM11363 said:


> Kitchen hugs are the best.
> [..]
> Is that soft sigh of happiness, like the start of a cat purring, coming from me, from her or from both of us?


Yes.

And if that's not her reaction, something's usually up and we'll need to talk.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

This is what I want from my BF. He tends to not show a lot of affection outside of the bedroom aside from holding hands while watching TV. *sigh* I need to eventually communicate this but need to figure out where we are first.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Loves 
I think you two have figured out a good rhythm with each other. 

Last week I returned from a short trip. First night back my wife crashed early. She knew I wasn't happy about it. 

Next morning she comes and spoons me as my wake up call. It was nice, not a sexual thing, just a high touch nice thing to do.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Charlie, 
If we are 'in conflict' I do not touch her at all. If not in conflict and she responded badly to this it would mean something was major league messed up.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

It is ok to give what you wish to receive.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

I admit - I dont do this as often as I should... but without exeption when I do - the reaction is the same.

funny part is - yeah - its usually inthe kitchen when that happens.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

MEM11363 said:


> Kitchen hugs are the best.
> 
> W is at the sink or counter and I come up behind her. The flow of touch has no startle factor to it.


Now, see, every time my husband has done that, he doesn't stop there. He then goes on to grab at my female parts. 

End result? I CAN'T melt into his arms or sigh because I know what's coming next.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

MEM11363 said:


> If we are 'in conflict' I do not touch her at all.


I still struggle with this from time to time.



MEM11363 said:


> If not in conflict and she responded badly to this it would mean something was major league messed up.


Badly, as in she pulls away, that would be major. I mean more subtly, she's going along with it but I can just tell something's just a little off. She can say she's fine or there's no problem but her NVC betrays her, at least at times.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Charlie, have you guys filled out the Love Buster questionnaire?


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

turnera, no, just googled it. I'd be open to hear more if it wouldn't be thread jacking.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I think everyone would benefit from it. The theory is, you have to eliminate ways you hurt/upset/harm your spouse (Love Busters) and meet their top 5 Emotional Needs, to have a happy, healthy marriage. Can't do one without the other. If you're meeting all your wife's ENs but still LBing her by forgetting to take out the trash, that trash is going to grow in severity in her head as a big bad thing she just can't get over. So no matter how many ENs you meet, she'll never stop being upset with you.

Thus both of you filling out the questionnaire so you can find out EXACTLY what you do that LBs her. Once you know, you can eliminate those bad behaviors and she'll be able to relax and love again.

And hopefully, if you fill it out, too, she'll read it and recognize how she LBs YOU, and stop doing THOSE things.

The trick is to do this early on, so the resentment doesn't set in.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

T,
I am glad my W made her feelings on this subject so clear at the beginning. 

I really, really do believe that physical intimacy and emotional intimacy are based on the same foundation: trust

In both cases, we leave ourselves vulnerable to our partner. In both cases we have let them in so close that they can harm us without warning, and without us having any opportunity to protect ourselves.

It took me a long, long time to understand how to best describe a husbands job: to serve and protect

Thats really it. This is a bit of a combo - but it is mainly a protect thing. The purpose of the hug is for your W to realize that your body wrapped around hers like that is all about her
And it represents her safety and welfare coming first. 




turnera said:


> Now, see, every time my husband has done that, he doesn't stop there. He then goes on to grab at my female parts.
> 
> End result? I CAN'T melt into his arms or sigh because I know what's coming next.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Yeah, I get it.

Too bad my husband didn't take me seriously, all the times I told him. Now we sit on separate couches.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

I am sorry for you. 

We had a similar love busting issue - on her side. I didn't address it properly and it persisted. It feels really bad when the person you put first, keeps hitting the same sore spot over and over. 




turnera said:


> Yeah, I get it.
> 
> Too bad my husband didn't take me seriously, all the times I told him. Now we sit on separate couches.


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