# Apathy?



## vi_bride04

Anyone go through this phase?

I seem to be stuck in a nice rut of apathy lately.

I'm not depressed...this is different. I really just do not give a fvck about anything really. People in my personal life have proven time and time again that I can't rely on them. Ok. Fine. Usually I can move on and not have it affect me so much. But lately, as I see more and more POS behaviors crop up in people I have been so close to for 20yrs....I don't know, just makes me really lose faith in humanity as a whole. In my judgement. In alot of things. I just don't feel anything at all. Numb is a good word. Going through the motions in my daily life.

I go out and try to have a good time but it just feels so forced. Even laughing. And I love to laugh and crack jokes.And I guess I still do laugh occasionally....I just don't feel "present" wherever I am. I find myself getting annoyed having conversations with people. Friends, family, people I just meet. Doesn't matter, people just instantly annoy me. 

I know I need to get back into my hobbies, exercising, taking care of myself...I mean I know what I need to do. I have done it in the past. But I have just reached a point of I don't really care and really don't give a fvck. As I said, its not depression....that always comes with sadness. I am not sad. I seem to be getting to the point of angry and bitter. Like I don't feel like trying to improve myself anymore. 

I guess I have been trying a little harder to get out of this rut the past few weeks. Started trying to eat better again and focus on being more productive at work and around the house. Helps a little. But I just can't shake this attitude of people suck and just wanting to be by myself....I don't want to date, I don't want to meet new people, I barely want to hang out with my friends....

I.JUST.DON'T.CARE :smthumbup:


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## maincourse99

That's where I am, going through the motions, but don't feel depressed. Maybe I am, who knows.

Just wiped out from the past 1-1/2 years. I'm not putting any pressure on myself to feel better or become more engaged in life.

If it happens that would be nice, if not I really don't care. Get up, work, and care for my D12. It's the times with her I value most.


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## COGypsy

Sounds more like grief than depression. It sounds like you've been through a rough time with people that you didn't expect that kind of treatment and behavior from.

Unfortunately, unlike depression--grief is something you just have to get through. I say you should take care of yourself and just roll with the f0ck 'em all for the rest of the world. You'll be back to yourself when you're ready.


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## diwali123

vi_bride04 said:


> Anyone go through this phase?
> 
> I seem to be stuck in a nice rut of apathy lately.
> 
> I'm not depressed...this is different. I really just do not give a fvck about anything really. People in my personal life have proven time and time again that I can't rely on them. Ok. Fine. Usually I can move on and not have it affect me so much. But lately, as I see more and more POS behaviors crop up in people I have been so close to for 20yrs....I don't know, just makes me really lose faith in humanity as a whole. In my judgement. In alot of things. I just don't feel anything at all. Numb is a good word. Going through the motions in my daily life.
> 
> I go out and try to have a good time but it just feels so forced. Even laughing. And I love to laugh and crack jokes.And I guess I still do laugh occasionally....I just don't feel "present" wherever I am. I find myself getting annoyed having conversations with people. Friends, family, people I just meet. Doesn't matter, people just instantly annoy me.
> 
> I know I need to get back into my hobbies, exercising, taking care of myself...I mean I know what I need to do. I have done it in the past. But I have just reached a point of I don't really care and really don't give a fvck. As I said, its not depression....that always comes with sadness. I am not sad. I seem to be getting to the point of angry and bitter. Like I don't feel like trying to improve myself anymore.
> 
> I guess I have been trying a little harder to get out of this rut the past few weeks. Started trying to eat better again and focus on being more productive at work and around the house. Helps a little. But I just can't shake this attitude of people suck and just wanting to be by myself....I don't want to date, I don't want to meet new people, I barely want to hang out with my friends....
> 
> I.JUST.DON'T.CARE :smthumbup:


I think it's normal to go through this. Maybe it's a time to look inward and focus on you. Be still and just be.


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## vi_bride04

COGypsy said:


> Sounds more like grief than depression. It sounds like you've been through a rough time with people that you didn't expect that kind of treatment and behavior from.
> 
> Unfortunately, unlike depression--grief is something you just have to get through. I say you should take care of yourself and just roll with the f0ck 'em all for the rest of the world. You'll be back to yourself when you're ready.


Yes I can see this. Had a couple personal relationships that have gone south and it has affected me more emotionally than leaving my marriage last year. I mean as shocked as I was to find my ex engaging in an EA it wasn't nearly as shocking as some of the behavior of my friends lately. 

Then I start to think wtf is wrong with me to attract POS people into my life. Obviously there is something that attracts certain people to me and me to them. :scratchhead:


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## 3Xnocharm

vi_bride04 said:


> Anyone go through this phase?
> 
> I seem to be stuck in a nice rut of apathy lately.
> 
> I'm not depressed...this is different. I really just do not give a fvck about anything really. People in my personal life have proven time and time again that I can't rely on them. Ok. Fine. Usually I can move on and not have it affect me so much. But lately, as I see more and more POS behaviors crop up in people I have been so close to for 20yrs....I don't know, just makes me really lose faith in humanity as a whole. In my judgement. In alot of things. I just don't feel anything at all. Numb is a good word. Going through the motions in my daily life.
> 
> I go out and try to have a good time but it just feels so forced. Even laughing. And I love to laugh and crack jokes.And I guess I still do laugh occasionally....I just don't feel "present" wherever I am. I find myself getting annoyed having conversations with people. Friends, family, people I just meet. Doesn't matter, people just instantly annoy me.
> 
> *I know I need to get back into my hobbies, exercising, taking care of myself...I mean I know what I need to do. I have done it in the past. But I have just reached a point of I don't really care and really don't give a fvck*. As I said, its not depression....that always comes with sadness. I am not sad. I seem to be getting to the point of angry and bitter. Like I don't feel like trying to improve myself anymore.
> 
> I guess I have been trying a little harder to get out of this rut the past few weeks. Started trying to eat better again and focus on being more productive at work and around the house. Helps a little. But I just can't shake this attitude of people suck and just wanting to be by myself....I don't want to date, I don't want to meet new people, I barely want to hang out with my friends....
> 
> I.JUST.DON'T.CARE :smthumbup:


YES!! I think I am there as well. I am thinking that mine MIGHT actually be depression though, I just made an appointment to see my doc. I have no motivation whatsoever, and am so unhappy with myself physically at this point. I have put on 20 pounds, and lack motivation to exercise or diet. But yeah, I feel ya!


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## COGypsy

vi_bride04 said:


> Yes I can see this. Had a couple personal relationships that have gone south and it has affected me more emotionally than leaving my marriage last year. I mean as shocked as I was to find my ex engaging in an EA it wasn't nearly as shocking as some of the behavior of my friends lately.
> 
> Then I start to think wtf is wrong with me to attract POS people into my life. Obviously there is something that attracts certain people to me and me to them. :scratchhead:


I think that it's a whole different thing when it comes to friendships vs. marriage. I think for most people, when we finally let a marriage go, it's the culmination of all the things wrong between two people that have lived together and shared a whole mass of fundamental parts of life. And a culmination of a thousand things you've tried to make the relationship better. With friends--even our closest and longest, it's not the same. Even if you were roommates at some point, you don't share a life the same way that you share your life with a spouse. Because of that, I think that when you finally reach that breaking point with a friend, it hurts so differently.

I'm not sure that's making a lot of sense, basically I just feel that since you aren't with your friends day in and day out and you're probably not doing things like counseling together or any of the things we try to save our marriages, it takes longer and cuts deeper when the blinders come off.

I'm guessing that you're getting rid of a lot of old patterns right now. Sounds like it between outgrowing friendships and divorcing and all the adventures along the way. Now you just know better and will start to trust yourself to make better choices going forward. My sister is going through a stage like this too--I know how hard it can be!


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## harrybrown

Sometimes you may have thought that the people you knew had morals or a conscience.

I used to be too naive, and trusting.

I have been broken of that by some people that I thought I could trust. Never again.


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## vi_bride04

harrybrown said:


> *Sometimes you may have thought that the people you knew had morals or a conscience.*
> 
> I used to be too naive, and trusting.
> 
> I have been broken of that by some people that I thought I could trust. Never again.


:iagree:

Yes. This. Right here, this. 

And I have been more forceful with my boundaries lately. Not backing down or "holding my tongue" if something bothers me. With anyone. Co workers, friends, strangers...I call it as I see it. And let me tell you, some people really don't like to hear it.


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## Mavash.

I've been in this place regarding people for almost 2 years now. I EMBRACED it. I don't want to be around anyone that doesn't live with me. I'm not depressed this is a CHOICE I have made because I kinda sorta think people in general suck. Not all of them - I'm generalizing but I know you know what I mean.

Every once in a while I'll ask myself if I want to get back out there with friends and nope I got nothing. I'm quite content to be a recluse right now. Everyone ran away when I found my tongue and started setting boundaries. LOL

My attitude is F them. I just don't care either.


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## vi_bride04

*Re: Re: Apathy?*



Mavash. said:


> I've been in this place regarding people for almost 2 years now. I EMBRACED it. I don't want to be around anyone that doesn't live with me. I'm not depressed this is a CHOICE I have made because I kinda sorta think people in general suck. Not all of them - I'm generalizing but I know you know what I mean.
> 
> Every once in a while I'll ask myself if I want to get back out there with friends and nope I got nothing. I'm quite content to be a recluse right now. Everyone ran away when I found my tongue and started setting boundaries. LOL
> 
> My attitude is F them. I just don't care either.


Well I can't say I'm fighting this feeling. I am choosing to be by myself and not be the normal "social coordinator" I seemed to have been thoughout my life. Since I moved out I have tried to make plans numerous times with numerous people in my close circle of friends. Have gotten denied pretty much every time besides a coupel of people. I'm realizing those couple of people are more than likely toxic to me. And I'm realizing since I quit trying to organize things all the time, that the rest of my friends really don't care as much as they say or they would make some sort of effort for my time. I can say since I stopped initiating contact I have not gotten one invite from anyone that I haven't invited myself to. Really can make a person feel like sh!t to be honest. 

But then I realize F them. They suck. Hell, maybe I suck too and that is why they don't contact me....or maybe its b/c old VI is gone and new VI doesn't put up with boundary pushing aholes anymore. I don't know but I really honestly don't care. Sometimes I feel cold, insensitive and bitter. But I used to bend over backwards for people in my life and I am just refusing to do that now. It is a different dynamic for me for sure.


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## Mavash.

You can draw a line between my old codependent, boundary-less relationships and now. 95% of the people that were in my life before are gone now. I'm not cold, insensitive or bitter. I used to bend over backwards for EVERYONE. In fact today broke down in angry tears over it while venting to my husband. I was a puppet on a string to everyone starting with my parents and ended with my sister plus almost everyone in between.

I no longer care. Good riddance. I know the reason I was in their lives was because I served a purpose had nothing to do with ME and my true self. They liked what I provided not the real me. The real me didn't even exist in their eyes. I stopped wanting to provide that service and everything changed.

I'm HAPPY they are gone because they were largely emotional vampires and I'm too old/tired for that. LOL


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## badcompany

I've got some of this going on myself. People in general seem to be growing more selfish and entitled. Too many people from other places are moving here and they are rude and selfish whether it be on the road or in the supermarket. It doesn't help that my stbxw has alienated a lot of my friends because they wouldn't bend over backwards for her.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

When I feel like that I go with the flow. Organize the attic, give the major appliances a good cleaning and maintenance, overhaul my budget, watch movies, work on job skills and such, overhaul/fine-tune wardrobe, etc. 

I think it's just a normal cycle of re-evaluating what the priorities are in your life. Kind of like a social cleansing or figuring out what it is you want the next phase of your life to bring. 

Most of us have periods of apathy as kids and we think nothing of it. Try to re-live that. When you find something worthy of your attention, you'll know it sure enough.


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## vi_bride04

*Re: Re: Apathy?*



badcompany said:


> I've got some of this going on myself. People in general seem to be growing more selfish and entitled. Too many people from other places are moving here and they are rude and selfish whether it be on the road or in the supermarket. It doesn't help that my stbxw has alienated a lot of my friends because they wouldn't bend over backwards for her.


Holy sh!t are they ever.....this is what I mean. Maybe I am just noticing that type of behavior more from dealing with it so closely in my personal life over and over and over. Kinda like when you go through an affair. Everywhere you look there is someone cheating IRL, on TV, in movies...its just EVERYWHERE...when really you just pay attention to it more b/c it is currently happening in your life.

I am worried about getting bitter. I think that fear comes from my mom isolating herself from people and I see where she is today. Of course I do feel better the less I deal with toxicity. But just this whole "sick of people ARRRRGGGHHH!!!!" all the time feeling makes me think everyone is evil, everyone sucks, no one is worth my time....is that bitterness setting in already? Just feels foreign. 

Man I wish I could get more motivated to do things around the house....but I just don't care....I live by myself and no one ever comes over. Have to say my house keeping has been somewhat put off to the side....

Thanks for the replies, it is nice to see I'm not the only one feeling like everything can fvck off


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## Mavash.

See I don't feel bitter at all. And while true I'm isolating myself it's not a place I see myself staying forever. I'm standing still until I heal from a lifetime of codependency. My parents isolated themselves too but I'm nothing like them. I like people I just chose to stay arms length away right now and that's okay.

I'm not all that motivated to do things around the house either but I chalk that up to perimenopause. I'm too tired.


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## GingerAle

I have OCPD. 
Feelings like this crop up often for me. I have learned to deal with my expectations of others by reading Too Perfect by Allen Mallinger.

Look up OCPD. It's not the same as OCD. You may find your answers.

GINGER


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## Paradise

Wow! I love TAM! Just when I was about to post something on my thread similar to this, Vi, you have pretty much said it all for me! 

I do worry, however, how much of it is me pushing people away for fear of getting too close to anyone and "allowing" them to hurt me. The scars are there. I know it. But, my BS radar is in high gear all the time so I've just kind of retreated into my own little hole. Guess I'm scared to death to ever make the same mistake I did with my ex again...Whether that be with another relationship or with friends. 

But, I do understand everything you've said. No, it's not depression but I do believe that it is a survival instinct to a certain degree.


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## Wise Fairy

Hi VB 

I totally hear you on this one, I am normally happy go lucky, social and people used to gravitate towards me.

Then in Aug I lost my dad the bf gave me the ST treatment through the whole grieving process which didn't help and so it rocked my whole faith and trust to the core in people who are supposed to love and care about you. 

My personality has changed, I have become somewhat of a hermit this just isn't me, friends and even neighbors are trying to get me out even to church and I just about manage to go to the store and back. I don't even want to talk to anyone at all, call it depressed, grieving whatever it is it's is a chit place to be in. 

I think a lot of mine has to do with the ex not getting answers as to what I have done or said to warrant no support from him at the time of my crisis. My friends have pushed through a little of my barrier to try to reach out to me which I am trying to reach back but find myself cutting off conversations or don't want to make any plans whatsoever. 

I am unemployed too so lost my job this year in Feb I have an interview tomorrow, so have to buck my game up and fake it till I make it or possibly lose a lot house etc., 

Sometimes we just need a hug, reassurance a life line to pull us back to reality, for me I am really normally caring, empathetic, compassionate but honestly I think I am losing those abilities and want them back now. 

Then we get let downs in our life things happen one after the other and it piles up to where it's a little harder to pull ourselves out of it. 

Everyone sais you are strong well sometimes I don't f......g want to be right, sometimes can I be weak and have someone take care of me? I am trying hard to find faith. 

What pulls me back usually is realizing that someone always has it worse off than us, just like here on TAM and if there is one thing I do know that hasn't gone in me is that I care about people, and hope that my experiences can help someone out there that part makes me feel better. 

My job was to help patients when they were overseas and they got sick, or to help babies be evacuated or transported, and I am a natural caretaker, so I guess that's why I don't feel as useful as I would normally as I am not taking care of others such as bf too so all this is out of my norm. 

I know it's a process, I tell myself life will get better, it has to right.


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## vi_bride04

Yes, I think it is a survival mechanism...I pull away when I don't trust and have had my trust shattered recently. It rocked me pretty hard to be honest...

Makes me want to not be around anyone that displays characteristics of self entitlement....and it seems those are the people I have surrounded myself with in my life. 

Am I being too sensitive or just sick of repeating the same patterns in my life?... Hmmm


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## Mavash.

In my case yes it's a survival mechanism but not in the way you think.

I'm damaged from childhood and from those codependent relationships. My entire life I've surrounded myself with people that resembled either my self entitled father or my martyr mother. Neither are good btw. 

What I see now is the problem is IN me. Those relationships have drained me and I need to rest. I need to be alone right now to heal. I have peace about it and there is nothing wrong with me. I'm not bitter. I'm not being too sensitive and I'm for sure not repeating the same patterns of life.

You ever read Joyce Myer? She was sexually abused by her father and became spiritual to cope. In her story she mentions times in her life when God isolated her. In those times she didn't have a friend to her name. Thing is it had PURPOSE. And this is true whether you believe in God or not. There are seasons in our lives when you are waking up when you need to stand on your own. It's okay and good.


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## Shooboomafoo

The words "No" and " No thanks" became powerful for me. My life of codependency, which was thought of as "duty" by me, had me running ragged to no avail. Suddenly this grievous divorce, and being thrust into a whole new world where 80% of my current identity was back there with that family,,, had me holed up for awhile. Trying to figure out what was left, despite the voices in my head telling me what a failure I had become. Incidently, every other issue arising, was always compounded and found to relate closely to that old life..
Its been 2 years now, living on my own, having my D12 over a week at a time every other week. Certainly not what I had in mind for my life. Staying home has helped me in some ways, paying off debt and things, but certainly have a long way to go.
Sometimes, I get lonely. Other times I really dont give a fvck about it and am glad I dont have that added dynamic of another person to worry about.


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## Wise Fairy

Yes that's it that's the revelation I think with everything that has happened this year I looked around and said to myself what have I got at this point?

I know I used to be happy, and had those wonderful feelings inside, and spread the love, now I look around and feel lonely family all in England, kids grown and gone, so I have empty nest syndrome now as well great. 

I know there is something out there that I am yet to achieve, I know I must be doing something to help others today's interview could be a turning point in my life if I get the job.

So many let downs I think this year for me, and remember He does not give us more than we can handle, but I am tired, sick and weak.

What's the piece de la resistance PERIMENOPAUSE 

Thank you

Everyone sais make a list, well I did it has 12 things on it and 1 is crossed off from 3 mths ago lol! wtf

I think I will make a list with 2 things on it perhaps I can accomplish something ha ha! 

I know, I believe it will get better :smthumbup:


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## maincourse99

_Sometimes, I get lonely. Other times I really dont give a fvck about it and am glad I don't have that added dynamic of another person to worry about_

I'm with you here. There are many aspects of life pre-affair with my ex that I don't miss. 

I might get lonely on occasion, but at least I'm safe from the abuse of cheating. And now I'm not only extremely cautious about getting involved with a woman with cheating red flags, but red flags in general. 

I ignored plenty of both when I first met my ex.


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## Wise Fairy

Yeah I think when you get burned a few times you do learn but the pain doesn't get any easier each time. 

Well got up dressed put my best fake forward had a great interview 5 mins from house, and now we wait.

So that is one thing off my list today out of the 2 lol! 

I did put a few smiles on a few peoples faces today so that was good. 

Make the list smaller in order to accomplish realistic goals. :smthumbup:

Peace


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## Oldrandwisr

Going through the apathy here also. Don't want any kind of relationship at all other than casual friends. On a positive side, it is refreshing to not worry about socializing or living parts of your life for other people and not feeling like you have to look a certain way or have conversations without the thought of creating a possible relationship.

After some time, I realize it is a necessary vacation of sorts for your mind from the chaos and confusion of life and relationships.


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## vi_bride04

Oldrandwisr said:


> After some time, I realize it is a necessary vacation of sorts for your mind from the chaos and confusion of life and relationships.


I like this.


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## Wise Fairy

Since starting to let go of people and things I can't control I feel a bit better.

I am alone but it's surprising how the doors open up for you after the crap has gone out. 

None of us can see our future and I think it's that fear sometimes that can scare us and make us feel the way we do.

I think I need some vitamins mmm....


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## familyfirst09

Thanks!! Now to go back and read 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## badcompany

vi_bride04 said:


> Yes, I think it is a survival mechanism...I pull away when I don't trust and have had my trust shattered recently. It rocked me pretty hard to be honest...
> 
> Makes me want to not be around anyone that displays characteristics of self entitlement....and it seems those are the people I have surrounded myself with in my life.
> 
> Am I being too sensitive or just sick of repeating the same patterns in my life?... Hmmm


No, I have to agree with you, it seems we are among the few frogs that got off the hotplate and are watching the rest with disgust.


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## familyfirst09

Good stuff here. Some days I just want to bury my head in a pillow and not come out and tbh I do . I do have a few close friends but they have bf's or people to watch their kids which I do not have that luxury, which I'm okay with. 
I have good days and bad days, good weeks and bad weeks. Oh it sucks when you get into a rut tho!!! I just want to be left alone. And then like the rest of you said, friends who you think are your friends, you see negative sides of them that you never noticed before. And that drives me bonkers. 

So it really is okay to live like a hermit a bit? Its amazing how much all this divorce crap really sucks the life right out of you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## vi_bride04

familyfirst09 said:


> So it really is okay to live like a hermit a bit? Its amazing how much all this divorce crap really sucks the life right out of you.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I don't know. I have been for months...not completely but so much more than what I am used to living. I am (or was) a very social creature but not lately at all. This past weekend I cancelled plans all weekend just b/c I didn't feel like getting off of my couch. How lame is that?

I will be divorced officially a year in 3 days. I have come such a long way but still have alot to deal with internally I feel. There are days that I miss being married so much...never thought I would really feel that way since it wasn't a great marriage but yes, I do miss it. I mean I didn't get married to get divorced, right? lol

I am finding being alone with my thoughts pretty much 24x7 is giving me alot of insight on myself which is a good thing, but I feel stuck in trying to move on with my life. Its like I'm stuck in perpetual thinking and scared to get involved in the world. I never want to leave my house.


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## maincourse99

Vi, it's the "perpetual thinking" that drives me crazy. Thinking about the betrayal, the loss of my best friend, our family. Over a year and a half now. I just want it to end. 

I've been trying to break the bad thought pattern by forcing myself to think about or do something that distracts me from those thoughts. I have do do something, so I'm determined to persevere. 

I don't think this is something that can be rushed, we just have to feel the pain and push through to the other side.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

familyfirst09 said:


> Good stuff here. Some days I just want to bury my head in a pillow and not come out and tbh I do . I do have a few close friends but they have bf's or people to watch their kids which I do not have that luxury, which I'm okay with.
> I have good days and bad days, good weeks and bad weeks. Oh it sucks when you get into a rut tho!!! I just want to be left alone. And then like the rest of you said, friends who you think are your friends, you see negative sides of them that you never noticed before. And that drives me bonkers.
> 
> So it really is okay to live like a hermit a bit? Its amazing how much all this divorce crap really sucks the life right out of you.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well, it seems to be working for me. I might apply for a job to work as a substitute at the library though. I telecommute for my regular job and my student life is going to come to an end soon. Everything in its own time.

I think spending time on one's own lets you be really honest about who you are and how you are okay with that. It also makes for a good release of not having to morph one's personality and preferences constantly, day after day and hour upon hour, to the pinball game of life, as it seems that's what it's like to get through a "normal" (many-peopled) life. 

I find just going into my village like some kind of surreal, time-travel experience, it's a bit funny what spending time alone will do to you. (I have my kids for company and venture out for lunch/dinner with one friend or another every so often...)


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## ne9907

maincourse99 said:


> Vi, it's the "perpetual thinking" that drives me crazy. Thinking about the betrayal, the loss of my best friend, our family. Over a year and a half now. I just want it to end.
> 
> I've been trying to break the bad thought pattern by forcing myself to think about or do something that distracts me from those thoughts. I have do do something, so I'm determined to persevere.
> 
> I don't think this is something that can be rushed, we just have to feel the pain and push through to the other side.


I relate to this. I have been very sad since thanksgiving. I keep wanting to beg to cry to plead to ex so that we try again. I don't do this because I know divorce is the best option. I just hats knowing he will never hold me, we will never share another memory together. I am to the point that I want to forget all the EA, the awfulness of our relationship, but this is reality.

I will be fine. One day.


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## 06Daddio08

vi_bride04 said:


> I don't know. I have been for months...not completely but so much more than what I am used to living. I am (or was) a very social creature but not lately at all. This past weekend I cancelled plans all weekend just b/c I didn't feel like getting off of my couch. How lame is that?
> 
> I will be divorced officially a year in 3 days. I have come such a long way but still have alot to deal with internally I feel. There are days that I miss being married so much...never thought I would really feel that way since it wasn't a great marriage but yes, I do miss it. I mean I didn't get married to get divorced, right? lol
> 
> I am finding being alone with my thoughts pretty much 24x7 is giving me alot of insight on myself which is a good thing, but I feel stuck in trying to move on with my life. Its like I'm stuck in perpetual thinking and scared to get involved in the world. I never want to leave my house.


Vi, Vi, Vi. We've become close friends over the last year and for that I am very thankful. I'd like to think by now I know you pretty well; you're a great woman.

You have such a strong moral compass and great boundaries to go with it, which is why I have so much respect for you. I do agree with what you said about being scared to leave the house, at times it seems as though you place high expectations on the events planned and then get bummed when they aren't met.

On the other side of the coin though, you can be really hard on yourself. Which is something I can relate to. When you're gut feeling is that things should be getting done, and you shouldn't be sitting around the house ... listen to it. Getting the little things done here and there will help boost your mental backbone, giving you something to say "fvck yes" to. It will also relieve the guilt feelings you might get meow, when you 'sit around the house' (because yes, that's okay to do at times as well!).

It's not easy giving your life battery a boost start. At times it takes a few pops of the clutch to get the engine turning again, but you have it in you to get it done. You've been doing a great job recently as well, so build on that momentum!

Oh, and don't spend too much time in your head. You've seen what that sh!t can do to a person! Hell, don't turn into what I used to be!


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## vi_bride04

*Re: Re: Apathy?*



06Daddio08 said:


> Vi, Vi, Vi. We've become close friends over the last year and for that I am very thankful. I'd like to think by now I know you pretty well; you're a great woman.
> 
> You have such a strong moral compass and great boundaries to go with it, which is why I have so much respect for you. I do agree with what you said about being scared to leave the house, at times it seems as though you place high expectations on the events planned and then get bummed when they aren't met.
> 
> On the other side of the coin though, you can be really hard on yourself. Which is something I can relate to. When you're gut feeling is that things should be getting done, and you shouldn't be sitting around the house ... listen to it. Getting the little things done here and there will help boost your mental backbone, giving you something to say "fvck yes" to. It will also relieve the guilt feelings you might get meow, when you 'sit around the house' (because yes, that's okay to do at times as well!).
> 
> It's not easy giving your life battery a boost start. At times it takes a few pops of the clutch to get the engine turning again, but you have it in you to get it done. You've been doing a great job recently as well, so build on that momentum!
> 
> Oh, and don't spend too much time in your head. You've seen what that sh!t can do to a person! Hell, don't turn into what I used to be!


Thanks, Up. 

The being hard on myself has been more extreme lately, or at least, just feels that way maybe b/c I am noticing the thought processes more. Trying to break out of them but I can talk myself down in such a manner it just kills any motivation to do anything but have a big ol' pity party for myself....WWWEEEEEEEE!!! Fun 

Like tonight. Had a big fancy charity fundraiser party to go to....won the ticket through work ($50 fee normally). Got dressed up. Excited to mingle or whatever. I didn't know any body but wanted to get out. After I get there I see everyone having a good time with co workers or sig others or friends....I wanted to laugh, I wanted to talk and converse....but any attempts at engaging people were just not going anywhere. Felt defeated. I decide to leave and just go treat myself to a dinner or something. On the whole 30min drive home I was able to get into my head and pretty much beat myself up enough to just say f* it and come home to sit on the couch.


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## philglossop

Oddly that's exactly how I'm feeling- totally apathy at the moment. It's almost a relief to come home and shut the door on the world. Should be out there enjoying life, but I can't be flipping bothered.

Having a real downer on life at the moment- hopefully this will pass in a few days- but wallowing at the moment. I think having been on the rollercoaster for the last 9 months it's my body's reaction and saying- "wooh Phil slow down".


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## vi_bride04

*Re: Re: Apathy?*



philglossop said:


> Oddly that's exactly how I'm feeling- totally apathy at the moment. It's almost a relief to come home and shut the door on the world. Should be out there enjoying life, but I can't be flipping bothered.
> 
> Having a real downer on life at the moment- hopefully this will pass in a few days- but wallowing at the moment. I think having been on the rollercoaster for the last 9 months it's my body's reaction and saying- "wooh Phil slow down".


I thought I'd only feel this way for a week, or be able to snap out of it. It's going on close to 3-4 months...

Lately I feel more down and sad than apathetic...but the apathy is definitely still there. Living in the no sunshine state I'm sure is contributing to that. 

Wish I could just hibernate the rest of this winter and not wake up till spring. That would be awesome.


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## whitehawk

vi_bride04 said:


> Anyone go through this phase?
> 
> I seem to be stuck in a nice rut of apathy lately.
> 
> 
> 
> Man could l go a page or 2 on this one. Not so much about your sitch , to me that's pretty easy but on how l relate and mine.
> But hey , don't care then , who gives a fk . l don't believe in forcing things myself and l know it will come back for you once it's ready and had a damn good holiday:smthumbup:
> l relate stuff like that feeling to when l was an artist. Artists get block , or just empty. Most of them are [email protected] scared of it but l never was because l knew it would be back with vengeance when it was ready.
> To me lifes the same , enjoy l say.
> 
> The friends thing , holy hell do l relate to that yet l still hope to have and keep just one , just one , true die for you friend. They won't knife you in the back or side against you when you least expect it , or be all over you one minute yet the next not answering your calls.
> But , l'm thinking either l just don't have what it takes or hey , maybe they just don't makem like that anymore , just like marriage vows :rofl:
> 
> Pretty well ready to go it alone l'm just that flabbergasted at people now.
> 
> Wish l could've spent this whole year not giving a fk actually but unfortunately l was forced into a pretty ugly jam with my separation so , can't happen.


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## philglossop

Heres the rub. 

It's one of my best friends birthday- couple of drinks after work he said I said yes on Sunday.

Today- not even leaving the house.....

Going to London tomorrow with 3 mates. Couldn't give a flying.

I've suffered with depression for years- but this doesn't feel like depression, just a total cannot be f888ing bothered.

Could be anything, but the only thing that gets me interested is "I'm a Celebrity get me out of here" and Tour De France catch ups which I've kept from July.

Ah well. Hopefully it'll improve.


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