# Am I too Needy?



## TryingandFrustrated (Nov 7, 2012)

So, we've been in Marriage Counseling for 7 months (since mid May). Wifes idea. The main thing that led up to it is the fact that she felt that I was not respecting her needs. I was just after her body for sex. I agreed to go, and I do agree that we both became too comfortable with the relationship (especially me), and that I'd have to start meeting my wifes emotional needs more. I've been doing that. I have kept up my end of the bargain on making sure we have at least one date night a month and get my mom to watch the kids, since our baby sitter moved at the end of the spring. I've been a better listener and try to empathize more with her instead of shrugging off her problems.

Mid February is when I suppose she had enough and finally cut off sex. She said she figured it was the only thing that would catch my attention. I suppose she was right. This definitely got my attention that there was something serious bothering her that didn't get through to me my her complaining.

We've been in counseling now for around 7 months and I feel that I've changed. The only problem is that I feel that she thinks change in our ways will last if she starts showing me sexual attention again, thus our problem. I've got to "pretend" to be happy at home, even if I'm not getting my need for sex met, otherwise she feels that I still only want her for sex, which isn't true. I see this as a big circle that we can't seem to break. My feeling is that if she will just show me the physical attention that I've been wanting back, we can break this cycle.

This latest circle now has our MC saying I'm "needy". Is it wrong for me to want our relationship to get back on track? She says at times she feels the tension between us, and I believe that is when I'm not doing a good job of hiding (holding in) my frustration over this.


----------



## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

TryingandFrustrated said:


> Mid February is when I suppose she had enough and finally cut off sex. She said she figured it was the only thing that would catch my attention. I suppose she was right. This definitely got my attention that there was something serious bothering her that didn't get through to me my her complaining.
> ...
> This latest circle now has our MC saying I'm "needy". Is it wrong for me to want our relationship to get back on track? She says at times she feels the tension between us, and I believe that is when I'm not doing a good job of hiding (holding in) my frustration over this.


With all due respect to your marriage counselor, I would probably only last for about two weeks like this. We all have needs. Nothing wrong with having needs. The level of one's neediness is relative and there is no absolute judgement here.

In my humble opinion, a marriage partner that withholds intimacy is someone that really doesn't want to be married. No one is compelled to be married to someone who doesn't want to be married (to them). If a marriage counselor can't restore physical intimacy to your marriage, I would humbly submit that you need another counselor or you need to call it quits. In my experience, even the worst counselors I have observed have suggested that both partners agree to a schedule


----------



## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I'd recommend being firm with the marriage counselor. Sexual intimacy is one of the important needs in a marital relationship and if she's taking a position where you're expected to neglect your needs while catering to your wife's, then you are with the wrong marriage counselor. 

However, at the same time, is there reason for the counselor and your wife to believe you're just appeasing her until things return to what was comfortable for you before? If so, there's some justification for their viewpoint. It still doesn't make it right to withhold sex, something I rarely think is healthy, but it makes their position more understandable. 

Having sexual needs does not make you needy. Is there something else that contributes to this perception?


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

I think she made a mistake in turning sex into a communication-about-problems token vs. using something that doesn't have any other weight/value in a marriage. Essentially, she's backed herself into a corner by holding on to the historical use of the non-sex (to get your attention.) OK, it got your attention...sex does need to be part of a relationship. She is still trying to tokenize it. That's not cool. I think she should have found a better way to get your attention, such as going off on a singular vacation or moving to her own bedroom thus upping the requirement for you to work more to 'connect with her physically via improved intimacy. But you (and she) can't undo history. I'm not sure how to get her to let go of this packaging she's wrapped around sex, but no, I don't think you're needy! She's created another problem for the relationship!


----------



## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Not all MC's are good ones. They bring their own POV into sessions. Our first one had issues that surfaced in our session. He actually went on the offensive with me...bizarre. Our second one was great and we had agreed in advance that we both had to approve of the MC or keep looking.

Anyway you can try a new one?


----------



## T&T (Nov 16, 2012)

TryingandFrustrated said:


> I'd have to start meeting my wifes emotional needs more. I've been doing that. I have kept up my end of the bargain on making sure we have at least one date night a month and get my mom to watch the kids, since our baby sitter moved at the end of the spring. I've been a better listener and try to empathize more with her instead of shrugging off her problems.


What emotional needs does she feel aren't being met?

What are you currently doing to try and meet those needs besides date night?


----------



## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

I am really wondering what your wife thinks you need. Your a man, you need sex. It is a fundamental biological drive in men. If she is denying you this based on the idea that you are only after sex I recommend she read to discover what men need. After all who wants to met the needs of their partner only to be rejected by the them constantly. This withholding of sex is bordering on physical and mental abuse. You committed to monogamy not celibacy.

I recommend making your needs a priority. Has she asked you what your needs are in regards to sex such a frequency quality etc? I doubt it. But I'm sure you know all about what she needs> When will it be time for her to start respecting your needs? 

Ask the MC if it they would now direct her to have sex with you as often as you'd like and you will completely back off from fulfilling your wife's needs for awhile.


----------



## TryingandFrustrated (Nov 7, 2012)

OK, I'm really debating calling up our MC and trying to have a phone conversation with him in regards to him not explaining to her the need for sexual fulfillment in a good relationship. I'm honestly tired of him appeasing her, saying she still has this "wound" which she needs to heal from. I still feel this is the biggest issue we having going on right now and can easily be solved by her attempting to meet my needs. She feels holding hands and giving a small kiss goodbye or hello should be meeting my physical and emotional needs.

As for getting another counselor, I don't know if that would be a wise decision at this point in the counseling. I feel that could set us back quite a bit, even though I honestly don't know how much further into counseling we really need to go. Our MC did decide that we should change from weekly to every other week starting after the holiday break. He said weekly doesn't seem to be doing us any good at this point and it is just wasting money. I fully agree, although all this does for me is make me feel like she is going to push off sex for another month.

As for what emotional needs she feels are not being met? I guess she is saying that I'm too focused on her meeting some of my needs, and that I'm not showing her empathy for her situation. She does agree we are gettign along alot better and talking more, which is one of her needs that I've been trying to meet, along with date night, and showing her more appreciation for what she does for the family.

Oh, and to answer T&T's question on whether she has asked me what my needs are? Yes, she knows what I want and we can't discuss them, because that will get her into her angry place of feeling just like a body to me. She can't see that I want sex for more than just the physical aspect of it, and that it really will bring us and keep us closer. I tried telling her at one point that I don't think you can have a solid relationship (marriage) without it. She went into the "what if one spouse is unable to physically perform for medical reasons?". I told her that that wasn't our case, so it really isn't a valid argument. That didn't get us anywhere.


----------



## T&T (Nov 16, 2012)

Here's a couple of links that you can show your MC and wife. It doesn't make any sense to withhold sex and your MC should know better IMHO.

Twenty Reasons to Have Sex When You Don’t Feel Like It

Married Sexuality - Marriage & Sex


----------



## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

TryingandFrustrated said:


> OK, I'm really debating calling up our MC and trying to have a phone conversation with him
> ...
> saying she still has this "wound" which she needs to heal from.
> ...
> ...


Your mc sounds like "it must be the man's fault, appease the woman at all costs" is his counseling philosophy. We had a guy like this and he almost brought me to the point of quitting before I quit him and found my own counselor. In my humble opinion, your wife needs to decide whether she's in or whether she's out with regards to your marriage. She needs to determine the origin of her anger and take steps to let it go. Absent that, it may be difficult to stay together. Is she an angry person?


You know, I really do understand her feelings because a lot of the time I feel like I am just a paycheck to my wife. I can't really see that she needs that money for her to feel loved and she is so busy with her own life and worrying about her own problems that she really doesn't have time or energy to help me understand the love she feels. Nonetheless, I continue to go to work every day, rain or shine, no matter how I may feel about it.


----------



## TryingandFrustrated (Nov 7, 2012)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> Your mc sounds like "it must be the man's fault, appease the woman at all costs" is his counseling philosophy. We had a guy like this and he almost brought me to the point of quitting before I quit him and found my own counselor. In my humble opinion, your wife needs to decide whether she's in or whether she's out with regards to your marriage. She needs to determine the origin of her anger and take steps to let it go. Absent that, it may be difficult to stay together. Is she an angry person?
> 
> 
> You know, I really do understand her feelings because a lot of the time I feel like I am just a paycheck to my wife. I can't really see that she needs that money for her to feel loved and she is so busy with her own life and worrying about her own problems that she really doesn't have time or energy to help me understand the love she feels. Nonetheless, I continue to go to work every day, rain or shine, no matter how I may feel about it.


The origin of her anger is from her dad in childhood. Supposedly she has been working on this, but it seems to be a never ending process, and the MC states she isn't in the "state" to be having sex while working out childhood wounds. I personally don't agree with this and think by this time it is just a crutch she is using.

I hear what you are feeling about just being a paycheck. Actually I've told her that as well, probably a couple/few months ago when I finally got the feeling that enough is enough. She stated that I just have to deal with my issues, she can't help me, she has to work on herself. The problem there is, it is doing ABSOLUTELY NOTHING for our marriage.

I decided to call our MC a couple hours ago after our session this morning and state how frustrated I am that he is not bringing up the sex issue and telling her he thinks this needs to be resumed. He asked how I would feel if we were having sex. I told him I feel I'd be a lot happier than I am now, and not have to hold in the emotions of being frustrated due to lack of it. He stated he still thought I was needy but he would give it some thought for next years sessions. I basically stated that this is the main factor in this big ugly circle or her seeing me happy and sometimes a bit angered, which is when I guess I start thinking about it and don't do a good job of keeping it to myself like she wants. The 3 of us were talking briefly about the book The 5 Love Languages" and meeting each others needs a few weeks ago. I figured maybe would work this philosophy into one of the next couple sessions before the holidays and he didn't. I let him know I wasn't happy with that as well.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

So WHAT EXACTLY IS IT that she keeps claiming that you have not been meeting for her? I have read through this and am not seeing this spelled out. I mean seriously, to have withheld sex since March is just insane.


----------



## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

TryingandFrustrated said:


> So, we've been in Marriage Counseling for 7 months (since mid May).


If you haven't made considerable progress on most of your marital issues by the seven month mark, including compromises by both parties, you need a new counselor.


----------



## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

TryingandFrustrated said:


> The origin of her anger is from her dad in childhood. Supposedly she has been working on this, but it seems to be a never ending process, and the MC states she isn't in the "state" to be having sex while working out childhood wounds. I personally don't agree with this and think by this time it is just a crutch she is using.


Then she's not in much of a state to be a wife either, is she? Wives have sex with their husbands. 

I'm pretty sure by the time I got to your point I wouldn't be in much of a state to bring home a paycheck either.

All of this is of course predicated on the assumption that you really have come half way in fixing the problem.


----------



## TryingandFrustrated (Nov 7, 2012)

3Xnocharm said:


> So WHAT EXACTLY IS IT that she keeps claiming that you have not been meeting for her? I have read through this and am not seeing this spelled out. I mean seriously, to have withheld sex since March is just insane.


I have been meeting her needs. Her issue still lies with the past few years that this was festering in that I wasn't attentive enough to her and making her feel like nothing. I've changed, apologized for it, told her how sorry I was for making her feel that way. I feel like her needs are now being met, but she still has a problem with the past and cannot get past it. She feels that we are not "there" yet, and things wil go back to the same if we start having sex. And my "pestering" her for sex, which I really don't think I am just puts the whole thing back in her head that she isn't worth anything to me except for sex.

I think Kathy mentioned that maybe she feels that I really just want the sex back and that I won't change my habits for good. I've told her this isn't correct. Trust me, I don't want to be where we were/are again. I'd do anything in my power to keep that from happening.


----------



## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

I am beginning to believe from what you have written that you are married to someone who does not care about your needs. As you stated she said that those are your issues and you need to deal with them. That would be fine if you were not married but you are. As in your problem becomes our problem. If you were single I suspect you'd be having a lot more sex and your issue would simply not be. 

I submit that her issue is that she cannot get over the idea that you are not using her simply for her body. She needs to get over that. But alas she will not have sex with you until she does.  How convenient. 

If no one else here has mentioned this I will. 

Read MMSLP by Athol Kay. 

Books by Athol Kay | Married Man Sex Life


----------



## TryingandFrustrated (Nov 7, 2012)

CanadianGuy said:


> I submit that her issue is that she cannot get over the idea that you are not using her simply for her body. She needs to get over that. But alas she will not have sex with you until she does.  How convenient.
> 
> If no one else here has mentioned this I will.
> 
> ...


That does seem to be the case. Thus one of the big circles I was talking about. I have not read MMSLP, I have heard it mentioned but haven't had the chance to read it. I unfortunately read (listen to) all of my books on the audible.com app on my phone and that is not one of them. I unfortunately don't have time to read much at home, but maybe I've got to make some time for it this holiday season when I'm off. Is it similar to No More Mr. Nice Guy? I just started reading that one this afternoon after our session.


----------

