# She's depressed...i screwed up...bad coctail



## wanttofixit (Mar 9, 2014)

my wife has had depression/anxiety issues for years.

8 years ago, we were in a stressful time in our relationship and i fooled around w/ someone else. it ended but we resumed intermittent email contact years later which went on until a little over a year ago (when she found out about anything.) over and done but left its mark, that's for sure. i lied for years to cover a painful truth and only made it worse. no trust now. 

now we've just moved and everything is crumbling. everything is folding in on itself, she hates my family, the town, me, the school, you name it. of course any move is difficult but she's truly in the realm of being impervious to ANYTHING good about, again, me, my family, the town, you name it. wants to get the hell out, possibly separate. just light a fire and torch her entire life, except for the kids i'd assume. 

the thing here is i believe much of this is wrapped up/was a trigger for her depression. and the dilemma: how do you try and get her to realize at least some of this is due to that, when i did legitimately screw up as well? the depression is dragging it to impossibly dark places but...i started it, didn't i? how do i say "you're making this worse than it has to be" without triggering "you cant tell me how to feel!" or "i didn't want to move here, your mom isn't nice, you screwed around...how is that my fault?" because...she'd be right, wouldn't she? 

i'm trying to own that blame. but facts are i'm here for her, my family aren't a bunch of demons, and we live in a town many people would kill to live in, and many people move back to because they remember what a great place it was to grow up in. this is all about to explode, kids are going to have to learn ANOTHER school, etc., and i just wish there was some magic way to have her take a breath, separate some of these issues, and try to find happiness without burning everything to the ground.

any thoughts greatly appreciated, thank you.


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## 45188 (Sep 13, 2012)

Uh oh.. Sounds like she hates you as much as she once loved you. My experiences in this situation are she's probably going to try to hop the next train out. Anything to get out of her situation. She's probably feeling trapped and frantic right now. Even if you change and start kissing butt, it'll make things worse on you. I guess you can take a look through this.. 

http://www.rd.com/advice/relationships/15-steps-to-surviving-an-affair/


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## StayInIt (Jul 27, 2012)

Why not let her go? If she has depression issues she needs a partner who can handle it without screwing other women, maintaining contact and lying about it. You probably need a more cheerful partner, that way you have no excuse to break your vows.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## wanttofixit (Mar 9, 2014)

kipani said:


> Uh oh.. Sounds like she hates you as much as she once loved you. My experiences in this situation are she's probably going to try to hop the next train out. Anything to get out of her situation. She's probably feeling trapped and frantic right now. Even if you change and start kissing butt, it'll make things worse on you. I guess you can take a look through this..
> 
> 15 Steps to Surviving an Affair | Reader's Digest


it feels like that sometimes. and that's definitely how she feels. it's hard because i feel like just grabbing her and saying, look, I...ME...I ****ed up...but those people there, they're not against you. they are trying to make things better for you. and this place, it's not horrible! the kids like it. aim your anger at me, that makes sense, i deserve it. but to just destroy everything, i don't know, that's not a plan, that's just rage and despair. i should be taking all the bullets here and that's ok, i deserve it.


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## beachwater (Mar 10, 2014)

Sounds like you are the reason she's depressed. Why not let her go? Why are you so selfish to not let her go?


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## wanttofixit (Mar 9, 2014)

beachwater said:


> Sounds like you are the reason she's depressed. Why not let her go? Why are you so selfish to not let her go?


she's said the same thing. how do you answer that? because i love her and i want to spend the rest of my life making it up to her? that i finally get it? that it's possible to fix things, that other couples have, and are glad they did, that deep down inside there's still a connection between us, that we have two perfect kids who deserve better than for their father's mistakes to tear their lives apart, that when i hold her i don't want to let go...

letting go of someone you love is very hard. you know, i sit there watching her sleep sometimes, and i just want to f**ing stab myself for what i put her through. and why, for what? it's like a snakebite, you just want to suck all the venom out, but you can't.

there was a time when we were very happy. i know that when she smiles it still makes my day. and i would give anything for the opportunity to wake up every morning from here on out and try and make that happen. i remember she used to tell me how she could never picture her life without me, and i felt the same way about her. we loved each other. and in between all this, we have had a lot of good times together, going back a long ways. and as messed up as everything got, you can't forget that, especially when it's still inside you.

the thing is i have no credibility with her, and so the promises i've made to myself, i can't make to her because she rightfully doesn't believe anything i say. i just have to live it, one day at a time. but there is so much i want to pour into her, into this marriage...i'm finally understanding the person i've been, and i'm working damned hard to smash that behavior apart. there isn't a person on this earth who will support her or love her more than me. who knows the value of money more than someone who's lost it? the value of a child more than a parent who's had one taken from them? i've basically lost this woman i married, had two incredibly wonderful children with. i don't deserve a chance, but if i'm lucky enough to get one shes going to see that the person that hurt her the most is also the person who happens to still love her the most, too.


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## beachwater (Mar 10, 2014)

Do your actions reflect even a fraction of what you've said? It usually doesn't for waywards. Were here "mental issues" a problem before you "fooled around" as you so innocently put it?


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

You sound frantic and I don't blame you. It's good you are reaching out for help. I think you need a good 3rd party to help with this situation. 

Also, it may help to read about reconciliation and forgiveness. Don't give her the books yet, she is not ready.

Parents divorcing without pulling out all the stops to save the marriage is not be fair to their children. I wonder if that would help her to realize she has to try harder to forgive you.

Is she taking meds for her depression? Any IC and/or MC? I think the first step is to work on her depression. Doubt that she will be able to think clearly in her current mindset. 

Have you explored moving out of town? If you separates, where is she planning to go? 

You positives for going back to your hometown may be lost on your wife. You said people come back to the town because they remember how good it was to grow up there. She did not have that that experience. 

You are happy to close to your family, she naturally won't feel the same way. Not condoning her dislike of your family. Understand that no matter how nice they are, they are your family. 

Children can adjust to a move if it is good for the whole family. As long as their parents are careful to make the move as child friendly as possible. Timing is important too.

As for the cheating and the continued contact. You already said that you realize how much damage you did. Sounds like you are genuinely seeking forgiveness and atoning. 

Is she still asking questions about the affair and have you told her everything? Did you do MC?


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