# is it the end?



## bankshot1993 (Feb 10, 2014)

OK, so here goes. My story although long I'm sure is one that will resonate with many. Maybe its midlife (I'm sure that's a part of it) or maybe something else, I just don't know. I will try to keep it short(ish) but I know I won't succeed and I'm sure I'll get some detractors but I can't help the way I feel, any way hears my story.

I've been together with my spouse for closing in on 30 years. I say spouse because technically we aren't married, but we've been common law for so long there really is no definable difference so I do think of my spouse as my wife.

We have 2 children both boys, age 22 and 13. She is an absolutely great mother and has done a wonderful job of raising 2 fantastic young men. She is kind and thoughtful to me and has been a loving wife for our time together. As is the case with any other couple we've had our ups and downs but for the most part I would describe our relationship as a good one. We've both remained faithful and I've never doubted her commitment to us or her love for me. So what's the problem then? What's wrong with me that I want out?

There have been so many changes over the years and we got together so young that I find myself married to someone that I simply don't feel romantically about anymore. To be honest I'm not really sure how we ever got together as we are so different. she's a couch potatoes and I love playing sports she's very social I'm more of a small circle guy. WE have similar political and religious beliefs but that's about where it ends.

A few years back she ran into some health issues. Really there has always been health issues and it seems every few years something comes up. I won't get to deep into this but I will say that some of the more serious of them has been the appearance of a few cysts at different times in her life that resulted first in a partial hysterectomy 15 years ago and then 8 years ago a full hysterectomy. These medical procedures brought on early menopause and all the side effects that women must endure with it.

I feel pretty confident that most of her health issues can be related to her weight. When we first started dating she was a very small person at just slightly over 5 feet tall and I would guess her weight to be just over the 100 lb mark. She hasn't grown any in height but she has added well in excess of a 100 lbs to her small frame. The health issues that she has dealt with as a result are staggering. I still love her but I will admit that the lusty physical attraction just isn't there anymore.

Any way our sex life was what I would characterize as adequate, for most of our relationship anyway. I say adequate because that's about it. Its been a very vanilla less than exciting sex but I guess lights off missionary sex gets the job done. After her hysterectomy she lost pretty much all interest in sex but she hid this from me. at first she did a good job of pretending but slowly frequency and the quality of sex dropped off. We went for a few years of having maintenance sex maybe once a month but from her end of it, it was done with all the passion and emotion that she would do any other household chore and it was only at my initiation. If I didn't push for sex she would happily go without it. I put that theory to the test once and didn't initiate, we went 3 months before she asked why I wasn't hounding her. This left me feeling rejected and unwanted, feelings that to this day I haven't gotten over and those insecurities still haunt the back of my mind.

We had a heart to heart about this and she admitted that she had lost interest because of menopause. She confided that sex was at times painful for her and there simply was not much interest on her part because of hormonal changes. I could have understood this and dealt with it had she shared this with me in the early stages but she didn't so I dealt with years of self doubt and feelings of rejection, those thoughts and feelings don't go away over night. But this brings me to my second issue, communication.

We had grown complacent and lazy in our relationship. If we spent a night at home, she spent her night trolling facebook while I stared blankly at a TV. these nights were few though as I would usually be busy taking my kids to extra curricular activities. conversations with her were superficial and shallow. My wife is pretty smart most times although I do find myself scratching my head at her logic when she lets her emotions get in the way. I find myself spending a lot of time doing damage control because she has gotten offended by somebody and she goes way of the deep end in dealing with it. She certainly challenges me intellectually and I enjoy the engaging conversations.

As we age we change, all of us, our life experiences and the battles we face forge who we become. The trouble I find myself struggling with is that I simply don't like who she has become. I'm a fairly easy going guy. I like to look at the big picture and tend to not sweat the small stuff where as she seems to take everything to the extreme and it is turning her into this bitter angry ball of hate all the time. My kids often comment on how quickly she goes from being fine to angry with one wrong word.

My youngest son plays hockey and while he is a very good hockey player, I have no delusion that he will ever be good enough to move beyond playing anything more competitive than community hockey. For that reason I take all the hockey politics in stride. She on the other hand has been so mad with our hockey association for 3 years now and her anger has bled into every other aspect of her life and it has changed her from a friendly happy person to be around and turned her into the bitter vengeful person that nobody likes.

I admit that the association kind of screwed my son a bit but he doesn't seem to mind and like I said it is just community hockey for little kids so its not like we're talking about million dollar contracts. I don't see it as that big of a deal so I refuse to let it poison my life but she interprets that as not supporting her. Truth be told the issues we've had with our hockey association really stem from her getting mad at the hockey coordinator and causing a big rift with her.

The problem is that it is like this all the time. My son is quite athletic and plays many sports. We have had to change sports associations a number of times because she continually burns bridges with her anger and her over bearing need to play mama bear. if we go to one of his games I won't even sit with her because I find her behavior and how she conducts herself to be an embarrassment. My son has commented on more than one occasion that he we rather than she not come.

I feel guilty for wanting to leave because she treats me well and loves me very much but I simply don't like the person she has become. She is the opposite of what I wanted for a wife. There are other factors that I'm sure as I discuss this and reply back to comments will filter out but this is a good starting point. In the end its like this, I'm not happy with her. I'm getting older and find myself wondering why I'm still there because waiting to start over again isn't going to make it any easier and I find myself wondering if its to late to start over again already, and finally, I don't want to hurt her. She's never been anything but great to me and she doesn't deserve to be hurt but staying and being miserable isn't going to give her a happy life either.

I love her enough that I want her to be happy and I know staying won't do that for her because I know I'm not going to be happy. So what do I do?


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

Have you talked to her about the situation? Does she agree that it might be time to break up or does she want to work on your marriage? It's normal to change over the years that you are together. Instead of staring blankly at the TV what are you doing to reconnect? I would have a talk with her about ways you want to improve your marriage. Have you tried to encourage her to loose weight? It doesn't sound like you have any major problems that would warrant you leaving your 13 year old growing up in a broken home. I would stay at least your son graduates from High school.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Talk to her and tell her how you feel, how you have been wounded by her in the past, etc. I suspect like you said it is tied up with the hormonal changes, it can have a profound effect on her life. I would read as much as possible about this. It would also appear you are more interested in your own self than in supporting her through this stage of life, which does not reflect very well on you as a husband or a man.


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## bankshot1993 (Feb 10, 2014)

Happilymarried25 said:


> Have you talked to her about the situation? Does she agree that it might be time to break up or does she want to work on your marriage? It's normal to change over the years that you are together. Instead of staring blankly at the TV what are you doing to reconnect? I would have a talk with her about ways you want to improve your marriage. Have you tried to encourage her to loose weight? It doesn't sound like you have any major problems that would warrant you leaving your 13 year old growing up in a broken home. I would stay at least your son graduates from High school.


I will admit the weight issue is a big one for me and has been for a long time but it has never been a deal breaker.

When I was growing up my mother was extremely obese. I spent my years as a youth watching as people pointed at her, laughed or mad fun of her and whispered behind her back. It is painful to watch the one person who your world revolves around endure the ostracism that society imposes on obese people. I now fear that my kids face those same emotional challenges.

In addition is the health issues and we've had a great many discussions about that. My mother and her were very close and she is very much aware of all the health issues my mother had as a direct result of her obesity. In the end it was my mothers size that resulted in her dying at 56 years old. I've told my wife that she is heading down the same path and needs to get off of it and get healthier, carrying around an extra 150 lbs is going to put her in an early grave. My kids want somebody that's going to be around and be a grandmother to their children and I want a wife that is going to be at my side as we grow old not a burial plot that I visit every Sunday in my 50's

I've spoken to her many times about her anger issues and how she's pushing everybody away and she admits that she gets carried away at time but it never changes. As I mentioned in my first post she is still trying to find ways of getting revenge over kids sports issues that happened 3 years ago, that's just not normal behavior.

Please see my next post for more as I reply to my other respondent.


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## bankshot1993 (Feb 10, 2014)

aine said:


> Talk to her and tell her how you feel, how you have been wounded by her in the past, etc. I suspect like you said it is tied up with the hormonal changes, it can have a profound effect on her life. I would read as much as possible about this. It would also appear you are more interested in your own self than in supporting her through this stage of life, which does not reflect very well on you as a husband or a man.


I don't think your being fair with your statement about being more interested in myself but I will respond and try not to be to defensive.

I've always thought myself to be a fairly progressive modern husband. I share in the housework, I do all the cooking and I do all the laundry. My wife has her jobs around the house as do I but I think the work is split pretty evenly.

As far as the child rearing goes, as I said in my previous post she's the ultimate mama bear and I won't try to lay claim to how great our kids turned out that's all on her, she was a great mother. I helped where I could and tried to be a positive role model but she was the guiding hand in their development.

I realized after almost 25 years things were getting stale and we were drifting apart. her battles with menopause were having their toll on her and I realized that I could be a better partner and be more attentive to her needs. I internalized the problems that we were having with intimacy as a reflection of my failure to meet her needs and took it upon myself to be the best husband anybody could ask for.

I did Google search after Google search looking for romantic ideas to make her feel special and show her that I was invested in her happiness.

I sent texts throughout the day to say I was thinking about her, I learned about essential oils and massage and made a point of giving her a hot oil massage every week. I'm not trying to toot my own horn but this was no 10 minute back rub, this was a 2 hour massage from finger tip to toes. I sent flowers to her work with romantic notes. for example I sent a dozen red roses to her at work one day with 1 white rose in the middle (got the idea off the internet). Attached was a card that said "no matter how crowded the room is, you're the only one I see." 2 weeks later, I showed up at her work unannounced and gave her a single white rose with a kiss and than I left.

For valentines day last year I told her that I had to work and wouldn't be able to go with her to my sons hockey game. I suggested that we get together for a quick drink before the hockey game just to touch base.

What she didn't know was I had arranged to have somebody else take my son to his game. When I met her for a drink I showed up in a suit and tie (which I don't wear often). I introduce myself by another name and pretended I was a stranger from out of town and asked her if I could join her. It took a little convincing but I managed to get her to play along and I spent the next hour plying my charms to make her feel like I was a stranger just trying to pick her up.

After an hour I told her I had dinner reservations at a nearby restaurant (one of her favorites) and told her some company would be very welcome as I hate to dine alone. She said she had things to do at home but would think about it. This took me back a little bit but a took it to mean that she was just playing along. I left for the restaurant and waited, thankfully she showed up a half hour later. She told me she wasn't going to come but changed her mind at the last minute.

We had a great dinner and wonderful conversation and I continued to ply my charms as much as possible trying to make her feel pursued and sought after, my goal was to make her feel special.

After dinner I told her I had had a wonderful evening and would like to continue so I invited her to the hotel that I was staying at for a night cap and more conversation (remember, I'm still playing the stranger from out of town). She told me she wasn't sure that would be appropriate as she is a married woman but would think about it. I gave her my room number and the hotel I was staying at and told her the invitation was there if she changed her mind. From there I left and went to the hotel and waited for her.

In the hotel I had a couple bottles of her favorite wine ( I don't care for wine myself but I figured I could make an exception for the occasion), chocolate covered strawberries. and a cheese and cracker plate all set up awaiting her arrival. She never showed or called. I stayed in the hotel by myself that night.

We weren't fighting about anything at the time and there was nothing that I was trying to make up for we were in a good place. To this day I still don't know why she didn't show up and quite frankly I'm not about ask. I would think that she should be offering up an explanation and if she doesn't think that is warranted than brining it up will only make me more than a little angry so its best left alone. 

These are just a few examples of the things I was trying to do to make her feel loved and to make her realize how much I loved her. there were small gestures like love letters and random emails telling her she's beautiful and bigger gestures like the ones above but after 2 years of these efforts to have her stand me up in a hotel room was the knife in my heart that made me give up.

I'm not saying this to make someone go "oh what a great guy", I say this to acknowledge that I have to own my part and to say I did make the effort but it has to go both ways. We've talked about this so many times but nothing ever comes of it other than a fight.

While all this was going on she gradually was becoming more bitter and angry at the outside world. I mentioned that this wasn't directed at me but I still had a front row seat to the war she was waging on the world. I've known people that when I first met them I've found them to be very attractive and when I've gotten to know them and found out the beauty was only on the outside and my perception of them changed and I saw their attractiveness diminish because of who they were. I've known people that I wasn't attracted to but once I got to know them and seen the kind of people they were I found them more and more attractive as I got to know them. I believe in the beauty inside and despite my hang ups on obesity I've always found my wife attractive for those reasons, but now she is becoming the person I've always tried to avoid. She is negative about everything, always expects the worst, and only sees the bad. If ten good things happened in her day and one bad thing she would focus solely on the one bad thing and would let it shape her mood for the rest of the day and night.

I've talked to her about this, I've expressed how it is affecting the kids and her relationship with them and I've expressed my concerns about how she is alienating herself from her social circle as a result of this as well. During these discussions she gets mad and we end up fighting for the next 2 hours until I just concede that I was out of line for saying anything and then she broods about it for the next week.

On a positive note, when I got home from work yesterday she showed me that she picked up 2 self help books. They are about anger management. I asked her what compelled her to pick them up and she admitted that she needs to let go of her anger because it is poisoning the relationships in her life. The realization moment came when she get called into a meeting with the board of conduct at our hockey association over complaints they have received about her. I guess when it comes from somebody else it validates what me and the kids have been saying for a long time.

hopefully this is a good step that will end in us not having to walk on eggshells for the rest of our lives.


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## wistful_thinking (Jan 21, 2016)

150 lbs is a lot to be over weight. I never make fun of people who are over weight or look down on them. At the same time she is severely overweight and it's hard on her health. And I assume hard on her self esteem. 

Maybe she should have a serious conversation with her doctor. If she wants to change and can't, maybe she can get a personal trainer. Do the mayo clinic diet or another doctor approved approach. 

I am reading Weiner-Davis divorce remedy and it has a lot of good points.


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## bankshot1993 (Feb 10, 2014)

thanks for the tip on the book. I will look into that one


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Why did you never marry her?

Quite telling isn't it?


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## bankshot1993 (Feb 10, 2014)

BetrayedDad said:


> Why did you never marry her?
> 
> Quite telling isn't it?


more than you know I guess.

Way back when I first proposed we were happy but in no hurry to set a date. About a year passed and she started talking about setting a date. by this time I saw that she had started putting on a little weight so I in very gentle terms made the promise that if she lost a little weight that I notice she had put on that we would set a date.

She knew my issues with obesity because of my mother and she took it better than most women would have. I told her that loved her and wanted to be with her but I wasn't going to end up married to my mother. If she wanted marriage she was going to have to show me that she could take care of herself.

Long story short, she put on a pair of sweat pants and a hundred pounds and never looked back. Could we have gotten married anyway, of course. for the first little while I was holding on to my principles but after a while it just seemed like, what's the point? We had been together for so long I didn't see the need to validate anything with paper.

Since then I've actually adopted the philosophy that separating should be the easiest thing in the world and Marriage the hard part. When its easy to separate people tend to work harder to stay together.

Looking forward to today, 30 years later, it is just a matter of happiness. She is angry all the time there must be a reason for it. She obviously isn't happy with the life I'm giving her and she is taking it out on everyone around her. She won't communicate with me so I have no idea why she's unhappy but it is obvious that she is.

Is there any point in wasting more of her life and mine if the end result is just going to be a miserable existence until we are waiting to die.


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## wistful_thinking (Jan 21, 2016)

No problem, if you are interested, you can go to her (weiner-davis) website and scroll to the bottom to read all her free articles.


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