# My wife won't talk to me



## Neowindu (Mar 3, 2016)

It's the same scenario week after week. We are heading into 36 hours of silence. I was at a course. She knew it was important I stay as part of my training. She was demanding I leave early. I managed to leave 15 mins early, called as I was driving, got an earful and hung up on me. 
I get home, she is ignoring me. Tells me to leave the room, I refuse, she storms into the bedroom I follow. I ask why I am being yelled at and she starts the slaps, kicks and pushing. As I see her fire up more in her rage threatening to break the house, I walk away I never get physical back. By this stage a huge headache has set in from the stress, I go to bed early. She sleeps in the front room.
In the morning, nothing is said, she goes to work. She comes home, doesn't speak or make eye contact. 
This scenario has repeated over and over for years. The only way to resolve it is to beg forgiveness. I feel like she hates or resents me. We have three beautiful children who witness her tantrums, storming out the house etc. I do fear how they will grow up seeing her behaviour. I know full well when I attempt to leave for work tomorrow there will be an ultimatum along the lines of if I step out the house it's over. Obviously I won't, we will fight for 2 hours, I will be late for work and make a bad impression. I feel like she purposely tries to sabotage my career. She gets very paranoid about what people think. Help.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Sounds like an abusive relationship, I would take very seriously. Have you guys gone to counseling? Is there any reason why you are still married to her aside from y our children?


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## Diesel_Bomber (Mar 17, 2013)

Think I would of called the law and have her removed if I was getting beat on.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Neowindu said:


> She was demanding I leave early.


Why? 

What reason did she give you that you NEEDED to be home early?!?


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## Neowindu (Mar 3, 2016)

She has tried counselling for many things. Doesn't like it much. I have stayed part of the marriage due to the kids. She has no coping skills. She is a very loving person at heart, but her rage is something else. The silence kills me. Today I don't dare approach her as I don't have enough mental energy to listen to the tirade of abuse and put downs. My self esteem is low. 
All the relationship support out there is for women, it's hard to find when the guy is on the receiving end. My whole family have turned against her and I have lost contact with them.


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## Neowindu (Mar 3, 2016)

I needed to be home early as is the case every day of the week. She can't cope with the kids crying.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Neowindu said:


> She has tried counselling for many things. Doesn't like it much. I have stayed part of the marriage due to the kids. She has no coping skills. She is a very loving person at heart, but her rage is something else. The silence kills me. Today I don't dare approach her as I don't have enough mental energy to listen to the tirade of abuse and put downs. My self esteem is low.
> All the relationship support out there is for women, it's hard to find when the guy is on the receiving end. My whole family have turned against her and I have lost contact with them.


Once again, you are in an abusive relationship. It is doing a lot of harm to your kids as well having to live with that. If she is not willing to change it is time you seriously consider other options. Maybe even just recommending a separation as a short term option to see if that shakes her up enough.


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## Neowindu (Mar 3, 2016)

EllisRedding said:


> Once again, you are in an abusive relationship. It is doing a lot of harm to your kids as well having to live with that. If she is not willing to change it is time you seriously consider other options. Maybe even just recommending a separation as a short term option to see if that shakes her up enough.


I've known that for a very long time. It's hard for a guy. She is half my size, I know that if I did what she did, I would have spent time away and be despised. You kind of take it on the chin as it were. My problem is I forgive, she acknowledges she has a problem and we have periods where everything is good.


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## giddiot (Jun 28, 2015)

This is a manipulation tactic. The best way to break this is to totally ignore her. Smile be happy and act like nothing is going on. Let her be quiet, sometimes its nice. My wife has done this and I have been married 36 years. The happier you act the more disturbed she will become. When she realizes it doesn't work anymore it stops. You have to harden your heart and ignore it.


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## Neowindu (Mar 3, 2016)

giddiot said:


> This is a manipulation tactic. The best way to break this is to totally ignore her. Smile be happy and act like nothing is going on. Let her be quiet, sometimes its nice. My wife has done this and I have been married 36 years. The happier you act the more disturbed she will become. When she realizes it doesn't work anymore it stops. You have to harden your heart and ignore it.


I was just reading about having a narcissistic wife who uses silent treatment as a method of control. Something like being late from work being blown up to the level of adultery or worse. I should hold my resolve in the morning.


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## bluezone (Jan 7, 2012)

OP are YOU in counseling? I would definitely suggest it based on your post. She is being abusive and neither you or your kids should be held hostage to it. Is there anything in your relationship that would prompt her behavior? I'm not condoning it...I'm just trying to figure out why she is acting this way...other than she may have narcissistic tendencies. Do you help her around the house, with kids, etc. What do you believe is fueling her anger?

The physical abuse is inexcusable. THAT has to stop...or you need to remove yourself.


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## Slow Hand (Oct 4, 2015)

I have been in a similar relationship with my wife for almost 29 years, it goes in cycles. I figured out it was also related to Aunt Flo and all that. If you track it, you may be surprised to find it's related to her "time of the month".

Read up on some stories of PMDD from other men and see if it rings a bell. Very abusive behavior, my wife doesn't physically harm me that much anymore, but it used to be bad.

One thing that I found that helps, after much research, is to have her take apple cider vinegar daily. It's good for a lot of things too, you should also consider taking it for good health. I noticed that when my wife takes it regularly, she is very cool and awesome to be around and even seems to increase her libido, but, she hates the smell and taste so I have to fight her to take it. 

Has your wife ever apologized for anything or does she have trouble apologizing? My wife does not apologize for anything, maybe once or twice in our entire relationship because I made her feel bad enough to apologize.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Neowindu said:


> She has tried counselling for many things. Doesn't like it much. I have stayed part of the marriage due to the kids. S*he has no coping skills. She is a very loving person at heart, but her rage is something else*. The silence kills me. Today I don't dare approach her as I don't have enough mental energy to listen to the tirade of abuse and put downs. My self esteem is low.
> All the relationship support out there is for women, it's hard to find when the guy is on the receiving end. My whole family have turned against her and I have lost contact with them.


that's a contradiction. not to diss your wife, but rage is not indicative of a loving person. i'm sure she has moments of loving, but people who rage are not happy, loving people. sounds like she has deep rooted issues that may go back to childhood. her inner psyche is churning with unresolved issues that come to the surface expressed by rage, even when she's not consciously angry at the particular thing. that 'thing' is just a trigger.

if this is true, only deep therapy can resolve.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Well the physical abuse can't be tolerated. Next time she does that I'd let her put a few marks on you and call the police. 

Only because no marks equals police do nothing. 

But beyond that you mention that she has poor coping skills and can't handle the crying. I'm assuming she's a sahm, so maybe that isn't working for her? 

It doesn't work for a lot of women. Maybe she feels isolated and unable to cope.

What do you think about that? 

It seems pretty extreme for her to continually freak out because you can't leave work early, assuming your work hours are reasonable. It's not the the behavior of a normal person. 

Has she been to the doctor?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
You will no doubt dismiss this as facetiousness but I could not be more serious. Your W is a spoiled brat. Her mentality never developed into that of an adult and as such reasoning with her in a rational manner is not possible. Her mind is too immature to understand such concepts as reason and logic. What she needs is the very thing you cannot give her without an onslaught of societal condemnation. She desperately needs a spanking, perhaps several but that would be considered unusual punishment due to the fact that she happens to be in a physically mature body and is therefore taken to be an adult. Nothing could be further from the truth, however.

Unless some rules are put into place and enforced with punitive consequences she will never change. She is a child mentally and therefore cannot be reasoned with as an adult so you must begin to treat her in the only manner she can understand, as you would a child. I sadly posit that this is your situation and it is indeed a hard row to hoe, I know whereof I speak.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

Get a voice activated recorder, or use the voice recorder app on your smartphone if you have one (if it doesn't have one, download one) and record her the next time she decides to start up with the screaming and slapping, kicking etc. 

Let her know you are recording her because you believe she is over reacting, but you want a third party opinion to go overy it and see if your are doing something wrong. Inform her that you will find a counselor who can listen to the recording and advise you in what you should do in such situations. 

Then go find a marriage/relationship counselor and seek their advice.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Abusers rarely change, especially physical abusers. You should consider leaving.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Neowindu said:


> It's the same scenario week after week. We are heading into 36 hours of silence. I was at a course. She knew it was important I stay as part of my training. She was demanding I leave early. I managed to leave 15 mins early, called as I was driving, got an earful and hung up on me.
> I get home, she is ignoring me. Tells me to leave the room, I refuse, she storms into the bedroom I follow. I ask why I am being yelled at and she starts the slaps, kicks and pushing. As I see her fire up more in her rage threatening to break the house, I walk away I never get physical back. By this stage a huge headache has set in from the stress, I go to bed early. She sleeps in the front room.
> In the morning, nothing is said, she goes to work. She comes home, doesn't speak or make eye contact.
> 
> This scenario has repeated over and over for years. *The only way to resolve it is to beg forgiveness. *I feel like she hates or resents me. We have three beautiful children who witness her tantrums, storming out the house etc. I do fear how they will grow up seeing her behaviour. *I know full well when I attempt to leave for work tomorrow there will be an ultimatum along the lines of if I step out the house it's over. Obviously I won't, we will fight for 2 hours, I will be late for work and make a bad impression.* I feel like she purposely tries to sabotage my career. She gets very paranoid about what people think. Help.


Ok, you have control in these situations. STOP begging forgiveness when you have done nothing wrong. Also the next time she threatens that its over if you leave, call her bluff and WALK OUT. Go to work like you are supposed to. She isn't going to do anything because she doesn't expect you to "disobey" her. When she gives you the silent treatment, count your blessings and ignore her, go about your business like she isn't even there. 

My XH used to give me the silent treatment too, drove me nuts. When he DID finally start speaking again, I was never given an apology or anything, I was supposed to just be all grateful that he was doing me the favor of acknowledging me. This was a pattern...I would be verbally abused by him then given the silent treatment...normal for a short time, then verbally abused again, silent treatment....Only YOU can put a stop to it by not participating and eventually leaving the marriage, sorry to say. These kinds of people don't change, this is who they are. 

Is this REALLY how you want to live your life?? The example you WANT to set for your children?? Don't your children deserve a better life than this?


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

I'll second all the advice you have been given above. I spent years trying to work out how to avoid the tempers. My XW's were linked to time of the month, if she was tired and things not working out how she had imagined in her mind that they would do. I was caught out time and time again with some small issue that was supposedly my fault being the reason for her temper then followed by silent treatment and when it passed everything was rosey again except that she resented me for not just carrying on happy as can be.

It is tiring and you are right, your children deserve better. They deserve better than to be caught in the middle of it, they deserve better than to spend their lives tip toeing around trying not to annoy their mother and they deserve better than to see this as an example of how to treat someone you supposedly love.

Like yours my XW would not say "Sorry, I was wrong" not to me, not to anybody.

I didn't realize how high my stress level was until after we divorced. I nearly cried one night when I got a text from my D asking how I had stayed married to XW for so long, I didn't think she'd throw her sulks and silent treatment at our D and you just can't answer that question to your child. Things have got better, she has no one to blame now when things go wrong. She never thought I would actually leave and I think was relying on me to come crawling back but by the time I came around to it the resentment was so high I just couldn't wait to get away.

You have to be prepared to end it and give her the ultimatum. She goes and gets help, serious psychiatric help, or it's over but she doesn't get to treat you or talk to you like that. There is no way she can realistically expect you to leave work early on a regular basis, you will get fired for that. If the children are too much for her then she needs to find a Mother's Day out or Day Care or something similar, it's good for the kids to mix with others as well.

I know that you'll want to tough it out for the kids but if you do you set them a role model of either being the abused or the abuser, in my view they are way better off seeing a parent they love in a normal relationship based upon love trust and mutual respect. That's what I hope my D is seeing now.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

You need to start recording/videoing the rages. 

And get yourself your own counselor to help you figure out why you put up with this. 

This relationship is unhealthy for you and unhealthy for the kids. 

You deserve better.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Neowindu said:


> My self esteem is low.


You NAILED it OP.

THIS is your problem. You are your own worse enemy.

She's a SAHM who can't cope with the kids? Then fire her!

Then tell her to get a fvcking job and put them in daycare.

Stop being a doormat. How much abuse will you continue to accept?

Might be time to start planning an exit strategy from this lousy wife and mom.


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

Neowindu said:


> She has tried counselling for many things. Doesn't like it much. I have stayed part of the marriage due to the kids. She has no coping skills. She is a very loving person at heart, but her rage is something else. The silence kills me. Today I don't dare approach her as I don't have enough mental energy to listen to the tirade of abuse and put downs. My self esteem is low.
> All the relationship support out there is for women, it's hard to find when the guy is on the receiving end. My whole family have turned against her and I have lost contact with them.


Sorry you're here for such a terrible reason OP. Having kids makes this much harder to deal with. You're acting like a "doormat". In other words, she is stepping all over you. Women don't respect men that get walked over.

The good news is that I think this can be fixed. 

In your shoes, I would do the following:

1. Sit her down and explain that this is unacceptable behavior, and why.
2. Tell her that you will not be responding to calls / texts while in class or at work in the future. If it's important, she can leave a message. If it's a serious emergency, she can call 911.
3. Tell her that the next time she hits you, you will call the police and let her spend the night in jail.
4. When she pulls the passive aggressive BS and silent treatments / demands you leave, tell her you and the kids are going to go to the park / fishing / shopping / etc and you expect her to be in a good mood when you return.
5. When you return, if she's not behaving, she can sleep on the couch.
6. Follow these exact steps every time she pulls this. Call the cops, take the kids, leave the house, have fun, make her sleep alone outside of your bed.
7. If you have to call the cops more than 3 or 4 times, File for Divorce.

ETA: You can replace #4 with making _her_ leave the house, while you and the kids stay in to have fun from time to time. But I wouldn't recommend that much.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

Kivlor said:


> Sorry you're here for such a terrible reason OP. Having kids makes this much harder to deal with. You're acting like a "doormat". In other words, she is stepping all over you. Women don't respect men that get walked over.
> 
> The good news is that I think this can be fixed.
> 
> ...


I would supplement the above with a voice recording. 
Especially if the police are to get involved.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

This is precisely how are bad marriage turned into one that was really bad. She knows that if I divorce her that she will get everything so she can pretty much get away with what she does. If men could just get up and walk out, bringing our income with us intact, that would level the playing field. You wouldn't see women acting like this anymore.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Sounds like my soon to be ex wife. Except she would only punch me every once in a while. She liked to take my phone and throw it across the room. The last time she did it was December 21st 2015. That was when I knew I had to leave her.

I left her back in mid January and haven't looked back. Life is too short to put up with crazy b*tches!! 

You know why divorce is so expensive? BECAUSE IT'S WORTH IT!!!!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Neowindu said:


> This scenario has repeated over and over for years. The only way to resolve it is to beg forgiveness. I feel like she hates or resents me. We have three beautiful children who witness her tantrums, storming out the house etc. I do fear how they will grow up seeing her behaviour. I know full well when I attempt to leave for work tomorrow there will be an ultimatum along the lines of if I step out the house it's over. Obviously I won't, we will fight for 2 hours, I will be late for work and make a bad impression. I feel like she purposely tries to sabotage my career. She gets very paranoid about what people think. Help.


First, begging forgiveness when you've done nothing wrong is NOT the only way to resolve it; it is the WRONG way.
Any therapist would tell you that the RIGHT way is to be willing to listen to her issues but at the same time not give in to her abuse. That you need boundaries and consequences. 
For instance, you can calmly tell your wife you will not allow her to hit you and if she does it again, you will call the police. And the consequence - what YOU do if your boundary is crossed - is that you DO call the cops and let her deal with that fallout.
In other words, you need to find your cajones and start standing up to her. Show her you're willing to listen and understand, but you will no longer be accepting the mental, verbal, or physical abuse.

Second, you must talk to your kids, alone, one on one, about how she is acting. Tell them she loves them, but she is flawed and needs to find her way. Explain that what she does is not healthy and you hope that they will see not to do those things.

Third, if she tells you you can't go to work?! WTH? Tell her "I'm sorry you feel that way, but I must go to work to support this family" and then you TURN AROUND AND LEAVE.

There is NO reason for you to stay there and either be berated or else engage in the argument. Take the high road. Be the strong one. DON'T ENGAGE. 

It may seem counterintuitive, but this IS what she needs from you. Be the man of the house. Lead.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Neowindu said:


> My whole family have turned against her and I have lost contact with them.


Another thing you need to do is start reaching out to your family again. Go see them alone. Take your kids.

You have GOT to stop being afraid of her.

And she doesn't need therapy so much right now as much as YOU do.


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

turnera said:


> Another thing you need to do is start reaching out to your family again. Go see them alone. Take your kids.
> 
> You have GOT to stop being afraid of her.
> 
> And she doesn't need therapy so much right now as much as YOU do.


I couldn't agree more. They are your family and your children's family get back in contact and go and see them, including holidays, that is your children's right. 

If that means your wife spends Christmas Day or Thanksgiving Day alone then so be it.


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## TXanimal (Jul 28, 2015)

Physical abuse in front of small children is never acceptable. 

I agree with the person who said to call the cops and get the kids out. You may be able to fix the passive-aggressive behavior in time, but there should be no wiggle room in terms of physical abuse. It's an urgent issue and you need to shut that down like yesterday. 

Just the act of calling the police might be enough to get her to knock it off and reassess her priorities.


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## sixbravebulls (Aug 18, 2015)

Neowindu said:


> I needed to be home early as is the case every day of the week. She can't cope with the kids crying.


Alot of Dads are in this same position - the wife can't handle the kids so we have to work hard AND be primary parent when it comes to the kids. Let me tell you from experience - it's all an act on her part. My wife pulled the same shet for years, though without as much drama and violence as yours, and I made her asss get a job. It definitely helped.

I wonder, however, whether your wife went thru post part depression and it stuck around?? That's what it sounds like. Sounds like she needs meditation and medication.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

And get educated as much as possible on the face of abuse..... read as much as you can get your hands on.



http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/319418-abuse-thread.html


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

As'laDain said:


> I would supplement the above with a voice recording.
> Especially if the police are to get involved.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Absolutely!!! I can't believe I missed that.

OP You want to get every heated exchange on tape, to prove you didn't beat your W.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

BetrayedDad said:


> You NAILED it OP.
> 
> THIS is your problem. You are your own worse enemy.
> 
> ...


The abuse messes with a person's self-esteem, it grinds it down 'til it's gone.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

OP, your wife doesn't get on with counsellors? 

As my grandfather used to say when facing such nonsense: "Well, I'll go to the foot of our stairs!"

However, I am wondering if her problem might require a psychiatrist rather than a psychological counsellor?

Or an MD? I knew one young woman in her 20s who blew her marriage up with rages and violence. Turned out it was an early menopause which, as she was so young, wasn't considered by her doctors.


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