# The marriage extracation and new relationships



## RaisedGarden (Oct 24, 2012)

Hi Everyone, 
Been a long while. Ok quick backstory, Physician STBXW was cheating on me with multiple men, including someone in her staff,and was using every fog technique known to man. After exposure and IC, STBXW decides she wants out to be with the POSOM. No sweat, 14 years done, have a lovely life. She has been moderately fighting me in the divorce, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel in the next month. She is moving out of the house and I will be staying in the home until sold. 

So this is where it gets sticky. So it has been over a year since my STBXW had any physical contact. I have not had any emotional support in the last two years. So on a request from my therapist I started online dating. Well it worked, a little too well. Now I have been meeting and talking to an incredible woman for the last couple of weeks(nothing physical). I have yet to broach the subject that I was 
A.Married 
B.In the process of a divorce. 
I really like this girl and at this point I can tell the difference between infatuation and something more. It's just the timing is so damn horrible. I get the feeling the STBXW is dragging her heals on the agreement because she knows something is afoot in the background with me. I haven't been this happy in over a year. So the question is how do you think I should drop this on the new girl? This is all too new for me and I was just wondering if I tell her now will she be miffed that I didn't tell her earlier and walk. So much confusion. You guys have been there for me in the past. What do you think the honorable thing is to do?


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## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

About two months after I met my now-husband (who then became my WH but that's not relevant to this), he sat me down and got that "I have to tell you something that you're not going to like" face on.

I was worried he was going to finish with me and told him just to tell me.

He said that he was not divorced, as he had led me to believe, but that he was separated, and getting divorced.

I can't say I was happy that he lied to me, but at that point I knew I loved him and I didn't want to lose him. So I understood. 

It also turned out that he had been separated more recently than he had led me to believe also - when we met it had only been four months since his W left him, not almost a year as I thought.

This had several effects on us.

Firstly, and positively, I was able to help him through the very difficult divorce that followed, in full knowledge of what was going on.

Secondly, and negatively, when the wife found out about me, she started making things more difficult for him. I met his two sons twice, fairly early on in our relationship, and after the wife found out they had met me, she saw to it that he never saw them again for about four years.

For me, I would have preferred it if we had met further on in the process, preferably when the divorce was over and everyone was more settled in the situation. Everything was very very raw to bring another woman into the mix.

However, you are still living with your wife so I think the new girl would struggle with that one - I know I would. If my husband had told me that he was still living with his wife I think I would have assumed that he was cheating on her, lying to me, and I would have run a mile. I think this is your biggest problem.


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## NatureDave (Feb 19, 2013)

You've already realized the mistake you made...

You should not have been actively dating until the the divorce was final.

I perused a dating site after I was divorced, and I automatically dismissed any profile that said the woman was "separated."

Tell the woman of you status immediately. Tell her what you are beginning to feel for her and that you hope she'll wait for you until the divorce is final, bu that you really can't pursue this relationship until it is.


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

NatureDave said:


> You've already realized the mistake you made...
> 
> You should not have been actively dating until the the divorce was final.


I disagree that this was the mistake made. I think for some and perhaps most people, it's wise to take that time to focus on themselves and get their act together, but I don't think it's a hard and fast rule.

The mistake in my view was lack of honesty. Luckily, it's not too late to fix that, but the sooner the OP does it the better.


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

Tell her now. Sooner rather than later. Let her make the decision to continue with the relationship or not. If not. Lesson learned. After being separated for more than a year, and knowing that I would never reconcile with my AxW . I started dating again. Met many wonderful women who deserved a descent person to be with. I had no problems getting dates because I was very up front with them about my circumstances at the time. I believe they appreciated the honesty.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

Your STBXW still lives with you. That is an issue...

Be honest with the girl. Tell her you don't want to do any more than talk to her, maybe lunch until you are done, STBXW is out etc...

I know how it is. I met my gf after my EX moved out. The marriage was over, I was done but there were issues. Good women don't want to date married men so be a good man and tell her you still have to wrap up some final issues and as much as you like her you want to make sure you can focus on getting to know her without the distractions in the background.

I still had to go through a few months, 2 more than I thought as the divorce dragged on. If your STBXW finds out you are happy with this new girl, she could very well get jealous and not play nicely in the sandbox with the other kiddies.

Take your time. I met my gf online and I was just flat out honest with her with all the crap in my life that was due to mainly my cheating EX. We worked through it, but it was rough at times. I actually met her and was talking to her to help her out as a friend, but when I met her and saw how gorgeous she was, I said F that. I made sure I kissed her so I wouldn't be placed in the 'friends box'... All the lessons I learned on how to be a better husband, I use on my gf now


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## RaisedGarden (Oct 24, 2012)

Thank you all. I plan on telling her at our next meeting. As bad as it would be to loose her so early, my feeling is then it wasn't meant to be at all. Everything happens for a reason. This is just another pebble in a stream of boulders. Thank you again. I'll fill you in on what her reaction is.


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## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

Expect her to be extremely annoyed at the fact you still live with your wife.

As I said, I was in almost your exact situation, except for that. Everything else I could have coped with, but not that.

Unless you can somehow get your wife to confirm that you are no longer in a marital relationship, which is unlikely from what you say.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I think you should tell her the truth about your situation just for the principle of it, not because of any suspicions your W might have. Just be honest and deal with any repercussions.

As I recall, your stbxw has a serious controlling personality. I hope you will not let her behavior control your decisions anymore, on this or anything else.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Not a real good basis to start a relationship is it...even if you are innocent as you had written it down "Man still living with wife meets woman but doesn't tell her" you'd assume the worst..besides, it's not a very comfortable situation to come into, might be too much drama and baggage for her.


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## calmwinds (Dec 10, 2012)

Not sure what state you live in, but in some states, until the divorce is final, STBXW can also countersue for adultery even though you're separated.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

RaisedGarden said:


> Hi Everyone,
> Been a long while. Ok quick backstory, Physician STBXW was cheating on me with multiple men, including someone in her staff,and was using every fog technique known to man. After exposure and IC, STBXW decides she wants out to be with the POSOM. No sweat, 14 years done, have a lovely life. She has been moderately fighting me in the divorce, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel in the next month. She is moving out of the house and I will be staying in the home until sold.
> 
> So this is where it gets sticky. So it has been over a year since my STBXW had any physical contact. I have not had any emotional support in the last two years. So on a request from my therapist I started online dating. Well it worked, a little too well. Now I have been meeting and talking to an incredible woman for the last couple of weeks(nothing physical). I have yet to broach the subject that I was
> ...


Well, now that you know what it's like being deceived and lied to, don't do it to anyone else.


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## RaisedGarden (Oct 24, 2012)

Ok here is the update. I laid it all on the line. Told her everything about the divorce and the papers being filed. She said she had a feeling all along. We both decided it's too soon in the divorce and separation to continue dating. She may look me up down the road. Live and learn.


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## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

At the risk of sounding trite, if it was meant to be it will happen when you are ready for it. I hope it works out for you.


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