# Extreme case of infidelity and drug abuse ??



## dantoys (Apr 16, 2010)

Hello, I am struggling with a my spouses infidelity and drug abuse. I care for her, even love her. I do not want to see her hurting herself or the family. We have 3 children, and they are suffering too. She lost her job almost a year ago, due to a drug problem. She then started partying very heavily with her friends and staying out all night, and totaled our van. I am to blame for some, because I retreated to a computer game instead of dealing with our problems. Then she started seeing someone else, I didn't find out until christmas time that she was seeing someone for 3 months. I tried recovering our marriage, but she continued her destructive behavior. I have been trying to Live Love, and make choices to rebuild a connection. With our financial strife we are still living together, all the while she continues seeing someone, and her drug problem has grown out of control, and she spends 100s of dollars a week on it. In my attempts to help her, I maybe causing more problems. I try to be assertive, and not say things to be hurtful, or confrontational. I even sit and talk with her for long periods of time. I believe we have grown closer, and yet I see her drifting farther away. I have promised not to discuss her addiction with anyone, and I keep reminding her how much I care, and that I believe we could fix the damage and become a family again. So much time has passed with her being involved with another, and so much drug abuse is going to kill her. I need to do something to fix this mess, or wash my hands of all of it. Anyone with some insight or that has experienced the same thing, please help. I may have to break my promise, yet it will hurt her, and destroy her career, and our family for sure. 
:scratchhead:

Thank-you in advance!


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## Janie (Apr 10, 2010)

I'm not an expert on any of your issues, but I have a few thoughts. 

Does your wife admit to having a drug problem? Is she willing to get into a program to try to stop it?

You say you are still living together because of financial concerns yet she is spending excessive amounts on her drug habit. I'm a bit confused here. Is this addiction causing the financial strife?

Your lack of action is enabling her behavior - both the cheating and the drug use. No one will benefit if the enabling is allowed to continue. You need to find out what she wants and what she's willing to do to get it.


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## marcy* (Feb 27, 2010)

I feel sorry for you and especially your kids. 
You are going through a lot, and I applaud you for being there for your family, and trying to make this marriage work. Stop blaming yourself. All of us have gone through bad moments in their relationships, but this is not a reason for her to turn to drugs, and cheating. She is not hurting only you but mostly your kids. Her kids need her, and they do not deserve this kind of life. She is being just selfish. You can't help her only by yourself. She needs professional help. There are to many things going on. Are your/her family helping you?
Is she willing to change, or not?


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## dantoys (Apr 16, 2010)

Janie, the financial problems have been ongoing over the years, it got way worse when she lost her job, and now it is getting more and more out of control. We are so over extended on loans, it will take a small miracle. If not for my efforts, we would have lost the house already. I thought she could wean herself from the problem, but I seem to be wrong. I will have to let her know gracefully I am running out of patients. she is quick to anger, and any attempt to make a suggestion, comes off as trying to control her. Lots of control issues stemming from her childhood.

Deb. Thanks for the sympathy, she indicates a desire to stop abusing, but she has no intention to my knowledge to stop the affair. Yet I get mixed messages from time to time. She asked for sex, she asked if I thought it could work, she tells me she don't know what will happen, and she has even asked me to come home when I went out for the night, and asked if she gave him up, would I return home. So many mixed messages, just cause me more confusion. I thought about dating again, but it conflicts with my beliefs. I have met other people, but let them know I only want to be friends. I could have slept around myself a few times if I want to.

I am torn between 2 choices. Should I throw in the towel on our relationship and move on? Should I call for an intervention, that will surely turn any feelings she has for me to hate, and she will loose her career, which is our last hope for saving the house. 

I worry so much what effect my choice will have on our children. I came from a broken home, and understand all to well the grief felt by the kids.

Arrrg, the frustration. On top of all the other emotions.


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## Janie (Apr 10, 2010)

Dantoys, 



dantoys said:


> I thought she could wean herself from the problem, but I seem to be wrong.


Addicts are unable to wean themselves from their drug. It requires strong recovery methods (12 steps, rehab, etc). She cannot handle this on her own and you can't do it for her. AND, it won't work unless she admits she has a problem AND wants to make a change.



dantoys said:


> I am torn between 2 choices. Should I throw in the towel on our relationship and move on? Should I call for an intervention, that will surely turn any feelings she has for me to hate, and she will loose her career, which is our last hope for saving the house.


What does SHE want? All indicators point to the fact that she doesn't value the marriage like you do. You can't fix this on your own. However, the affair is likely linked to her addiction. Does she do drugs with him? And, with a drug-addled brain, she is incapable of making good decisions. So, the place to start is recovery from the addiction. If she quits drugs, her drug partner will want nothing to do with her. But, this has to be her decision. But beware, if an ultimatum is handed down, she may say she wants to quit, but only her actions speak true. Don't be fooled by the lies and deceit of a drug addict promising to quit. Watch her actions. 

She will eventually flush her career down the toilet with her addiction anyway. (And if she's not even working how is that the last hope of saving your house?)

You worry about her hating you for trying to help her by intervention? You can almost be assured she will hate you for it, but if the intervention leads to recovery, you will be her hero. She's not thinking straight right now, but once the monkey is off her back (hoping that happens), she will see more clearly. 



dantoys said:


> I worry so much what effect my choice will have on our children. I came from a broken home, and understand all to well the grief felt by the kids.


What happens if you don't intervene? Are you content to do nothing while their mother abuses drugs? You need to stop worrying about yourself (and her) and focus on the innocent victims in this whole mess. Do you think marital strife, drug addiction, an extra-marital affair and financial distress is providing them a secure, loving home? It seems, to me, a peaceful smaller home with one loving parent would be preferable.


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