# Why don't cheaters admit there real feeling's?



## nxs450 (Apr 17, 2012)

It's been 3 1/2 years since my wifes affair. For the most part everything is going good most of the time. I still have triggers, and because I suffer from OCD I still have times I dwell on things. 

My wife had a EA affair that went physical one night while she was drinking at a after work party. Until then the only thing they done was kiss a few times during there lunch hour. Anyway she ended up sc**wing him in the back seat of her car after the club closed. I found out about it a week later. Everytime I have asked her why she had to let it get physical, when she always claimed she was just lacking the emotional connection, she says she thought it would make him like her more. 

That is BS, I don't believe she was thinking of that at the time. Why can't she just admit that she was aroused and wanted to sc**w him. Then she tells me that she didn't enjoy it, and that she asked him if he was in yet, ect. I still don't know what to believe about that part of the story.

Sorry I'm just feeling like crap right now and venting. I know I need to let this stuff go, but there always seems to be times that new thoughts come up and it drives me crazy until I confront her or they go away until the next time. 

I just wonder if there will ever be a day that this sh*t stops bothering me?


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

It appears that your resentment is growing because she never owned up to the PA and it's preventing you from truly healing. It also looks like you're the victim of Trickle Truth (TT). You're three and a half years out, but from reading your post it seems like you're still not far away from DDay. 

What has she done to help you heal? Is she still working with OM? Is she transparent? Did she ever give OM a NC letter? Was the affair ever exposed?


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Okay, I just had a chance to read some of your other posts. Its obvious that both of you have been rug sweeping this. This is why your resentment is building up, that's what happens when you rug sweep.


----------



## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

For some betrayed's it just never goes away completely

She is the trigger, if you were not with her, the visions, and thoughts might lessen, but then again you may have them the rest of your life, with or without her

Are there specific things/sights/events that trigger you

Her excuse of I just wanted him to like me, is a total crock---she just doesn't know what to say, after she left you destroyed---what could she say

I just wanted him to like me---is that something married women, are spose partake in, I think NOT. is that part of the vows they take, to love honor and cherish their spouse, and like other men to the point of spreading her legs for them, in the back of a car.----

If She wants other men to like her---she gets a D., and she can have a different man to like her every single day of the year

I hope there was some accountability, and consequences, for from what I read, you are still in a good bit of misery and hurt---does she even care-----or is the I just wanted him to like me BS, still dominating her thoughts----your wife is quite a piece of work!!!!!


----------



## Bama82 (Jun 21, 2012)

I know how you feel. My husband cheated on me 7 months ago. He has yet to explain himself. All he tells me is "the past is the past" it honestly feels like a dagger to the heart. It was completely unexpected. I thought things was going great in our marriage. Then all of a sudden he says he's not happy. So I did some research & found out he was cheating. The worst part of it all, is she started coming to the church where we attend, just to see him. Not only that but her & him both claimed the reason they did it is bc, she wanted to be friends with me. 
Its a hard thing to get past, especially when you love someone with your whole heart. I wish you the best!!


----------



## nxs450 (Apr 17, 2012)

Like I said I have times new questions come up and I dwell on them. My wife was very remorseful and still is. She has answered everything I have asked. I guess the answers don't ad up sometimes when I think about them. She quit her job shortly after I found out, full exposure, IC, MC, we have been through the whole process. 

Also I had cheated with a dancer in Vegas. I was drunk and got a HJ that I didn't even enjoy. I started thinking about my wife at the time and I never got off. I told her about it after I found out about her affair. We were having a lot of problems back then.

So why do I still dwell on things?


----------



## nxs450 (Apr 17, 2012)

Bama82 said:


> I know how you feel. My husband cheated on me 7 months ago. He has yet to explain himself. All he tells me is "the past is the past" it honestly feels like a dagger to the heart. It was completely unexpected. I thought things was going great in our marriage. Then all of a sudden he says he's not happy. So I did some research & found out he was cheating. The worst part of it all, is she started coming to the church where we attend, just to see him. Not only that but her & him both claimed the reason they did it is bc, she wanted to be friends with me.
> Its a hard thing to get past, especially when you love someone with your whole heart. I wish you the best!!


Yeah that is messed up too. So she could be friends. That is crazy!

My wife has told me everything I have asked, and I have also told her about my thing, which there isn't much to tell. I guess I don't get valid answers, and then it hits me later?


----------



## nxs450 (Apr 17, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> Okay, I just had a chance to read some of your other posts. Its obvious that both of you have been rug sweeping this. This is why your resentment is building up, that's what happens when you rug sweep.


Can you give me a reference too why you think we have been rug sweeping? 

I was origonaly at Marriage Builders when this all happened. So there are not a lot of posts here. I wish I had found TAM in the begining.


----------



## nxs450 (Apr 17, 2012)

jnj express said:


> For some betrayed's it just never goes away completely
> 
> She is the trigger, if you were not with her, the visions, and thoughts might lessen, but then again you may have them the rest of your life, with or without her
> 
> ...


That is what I worry about. It not going away with my OCD. I can take drugs for it but they have such bad side effects.


----------



## Bama82 (Jun 21, 2012)

Ikr!! But yes that is what she said. I get so angry & cry alot. For the simple fact that he shows no remorse. He things I should just let it go & be happy he comes home to me. But that's not enough. Of course in my eyes she is just plain & simple trash bc she knew he was married & had a family. But she is also married with a child she has NOTHING to do with. My husband knew all of that when he chose to have the affair.


----------



## nxs450 (Apr 17, 2012)

Bama82 said:


> Ikr!! But yes that is what she said. I get so angry & cry alot. For the simple fact that he shows no remorse. He things I should just let it go & be happy he comes home to me. But that's not enough. Of course in my eyes she is just plain & simple trash bc she knew he was married & had a family. But she is also married with a child she has NOTHING to do with. My husband knew all of that when he chose to have the affair.


You have a lot of hurt built up inside. I can see why if your husband is just expecting you to forget about it and move on. There are alot of good people here at TAM that can guide you on what to do to work through this. Your husband CAN NOT expect you to just move on. 

Are you ready to do what it takes to regain your life?


----------



## Bama82 (Jun 21, 2012)

I am ready! I have been ready for months now!


----------



## nxs450 (Apr 17, 2012)

Bama82 said:


> I am ready! I have been ready for months now!


You need to post your own thread in the Coping with Infidelity Forum. Put in a title just like you have said, "Husband cheated 7 months ago" or something like that and explain what happened and ask for some help. 

There are a lot of experianced, and educated people hear that can help you. Be cautious with advice until you get to know who is who, and had time to think about what you are going to do. Another words don't just take any advice and act on it until you know it is the correct thing to do.

Like I said my wife was remorseful and as time went on she answered my questions. The things I am still dealing with are probaly more of my own issues like my OCD, and the fact that it just takes a long time to get over. 

I will look forward to seeing you on hear and getting the help you deserve.


----------



## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Until then the only thing they done was kiss a few times during there lunch hour.

My stbxw had numerous affairs and of course almost nil remorse followed by huge remorse then "you made me do it and "it was only a kiss"

Outside of admitting she is responsible she will still say even now "because I am married I never let it go further than that there was no sex" !! and it is a symptom of my discontent"

Will not acknowledge her part in it as being hugely responsible for the collapse of our marriage. Doesn't class anything outside of intercourse as "sex" "it was only"

This lack of acknowledgement still feeds my rage even now.

This is where you are now. Deep down your wife has never admitted what a deceitful spiteful lying callous bastard she's been 

"it was only a kiss" is a betrayal. (See my thread on it)

As to your question it is odd actually that they can't admit being "bad" and suffer real inner "guilt" because if they did, we'd have to acknowledge their 'honesty' and be forced to move on with our lives 

They just don't see they feed the BS's despair, frustration hurt and continual anger.

The cheaters simply cannot grasp this 'post affair' honesty which would actually help them as well as the cheated upon.

For me at any rate it just proves I've been living with a fundamentally dishonest person for many many years, which can also make you feel a bit stupid


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

nxs450 said:


> Can you give me a reference too why you think we have been rug sweeping?


From your previous posts:



nxs450 said:


> The next night my wife come up to me and *said I am hurt that you brought up the affair yesterday*, which I was still hurting about her statement, and was waiting for the right time to bring it up. *When I told her that I was still hurting too, and we need to talk she blew up!* She said you always have to be the one hurting, blah blah. I don't even remember half of what she said. *I tried talking and told her I was sorry for bringing it up*, and that it triggered me, but she siad how can you think that when we was talking about our daughter. *She was dismissing my feelings*. She then started saying you think she is a **** just like you think I am. I told her I never said that, which I didn't but she wouldn't drop it. It was like she was almost insisting I call her a ****. (her mom did this to her when she was younger and got pregnant)
> 
> I had to go to work, so the fight ended. She texted me she was so sorry that she hurt my feelings, and she doen't want to fight anymore. And *that she will just keep her feelings to herself from now on since mine mean more then hers does*.


Passive agressive behavior there too.



nxs450 said:


> Other then the times I trigger instantly *she still gets real defensive*, because in her words, she says I don't act like I'm hurting then, I act mad, duh!


And you say she's remorseful? If she was truly remorseful, she would be compassionate toward your feelings, she would be wanting to comfort you. Instead she gets defensive. She'd rather you not bring it up at all right? That's rug sweeping. No compassion at all when you trigger. 










Seriously, you can't even bring it up without her blowing up and then going passive aggressive. How is that remorse? Do you see why your resentment is building up? Because you need to talk about it to get through it but instead she gets angry and it turns into a fight, so you're forced to bury it, which causes your resentment which in turn stops your healing.


----------



## nxs450 (Apr 17, 2012)

Headspin
I like that "post affair honesty". I believe you are right about them not being able to grasp the reality that it would help them as much as it would us. They keep trying to minimize things.


----------



## nxs450 (Apr 17, 2012)

lordmayhem
I agree with you, she does do this when I come at her defensively, or when I am mad and I attack her. That particular time she was upset about what I said to her, and thought I was out of line for being upset too. She was wrong and did talk to her again that Sunday, and she understood how it was a trigger. We ended up talking for a long time.

It is all in how I approach her. If I go to her and tell her I am hurting she doesn't get defensive, and will always answer my questions. I have a hard time remembering that sometimes.


----------



## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

You have not fully recovered. Recoveries take longer.
How effective was your counseling, and MC?


----------



## nxs450 (Apr 17, 2012)

Okay another thing that has been bothering me. I don't know if it is due to my OCD or not. 
Just a little info on my OCD. 12 years ago I was diagnosed with hep c. I didn't really know anything about it at the time. The Doctor talked me into taking chemo for it. I gave myself injections 3 times a week for 9 months. The chemo made me feel sick all the time, but what they didn't tell me was it wrecks your endrocine system. It did something with my thyroid and I started having severe depression, major panic attacks, anxiety, severe OCD. I would dwell on the craziest things for days. Besides my wifes affair it is the 2nd worst thing I have ever experianced. I still have spells of anxiety and obsessive compulsive thinking.
Like I said earlier my wifes had a affair 3 1/2 years ago. About 2 weeks after D day we were talking on the phone, and I was asking about details. She said to me, I don't want you to think I am just saying this to make you feel better, but when me and the OM were having sex I couldn't feel him. She said that it was nothing like what we have. I didn't enjoy it or climax. After it started, she said she just wanted him to hurry and get off of her. 
Her story has been the same the few times we talked about it since then. We were talking about it again the other night I don't remember why, then she said remember when I told you that I asked the OM if he was in yet. I said you never told me that, you just said you couldn't feel him and didn't enjoy it. I let it go and it didn't bother me.
Now for some reason which may be just my OCD I am dwelling on it. I remember exactly what she told me back then and she never said anything about asking him that. I know it's crazy to worry about superficial things like this, but that is what the OCD does to me. I tend to pick up on any details that deviate from anything she has said about the affair in the past.
Am I reading to much into this, or is she slipping and not remembering her stories? I just don't like being lied to and it feels like she is not telling me the truth.


----------



## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Cheaters never tell the whole truth, OP.


----------



## nxs450 (Apr 17, 2012)

AngryandUsed said:


> Cheaters never tell the whole truth, OP.


That is what it feels like. If they are going to say something to make us feel better, at least they could do is stick to the story. 
I don't know what to think. Maybe she did say that and didn't tell me that part of it. 
I know I will have to confront her again about it, or it will drive me crazy. I can here her now though. It was a long time ago I can't remember everything I said, or what I told you.


----------



## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Seems to me they both amount to the same thing. She couldn't feel him inside her....if she couldn't feel him then she could reasonably ask him if he was inside yet (poor him!). Both mean the same...unless I have got the complete wrong end of stick here. I don't see how you can say she is changing her story. She is just saying the same thing in a different way. She just forgot she had not told you that particular detail. When telling a story of a situation we don't remember all details. Different details come out or are triggered by a situation or circumstance. This doesn't mean the story changes. Just that another detail is remembered.


----------



## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Don't discount self delusion. It's so powerful... You can sense it in yourself... why not for her? We all rewrite somehow, in our heads to deal with things. At then end, reality is what we percieve and it's always coloured whith our ''wishes'' (what ''work'' better at an emotional level).

It's not necessary "evil" or coldly fake.


----------



## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

nxs450 said:


> That is what it feels like. If they are going to say something to make us feel better, at least they could do is stick to the story.
> I don't know what to think. Maybe she did say that and didn't tell me that part of it.
> I know I will have to confront her again about it, or it will drive me crazy. I can here her now though. It was a long time ago I can't remember everything I said, or what I told you.


Mmmmm.
All of us came TAM much later....than when required.

For confronting her, you need evidences and details of your conversations.
Confronting is not easy. So take care before you do confront.


----------



## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

Is it just me or has everyone just glossed over the fact that he had sex with a Vegas dancer and used EXACTLY the same response his wife did when explaining it...


----------



## nxs450 (Apr 17, 2012)

Remains said:


> Seems to me they both amount to the same thing. She couldn't feel him inside her....if she couldn't feel him then she could reasonably ask him if he was inside yet (poor him!). Both mean the same...unless I have got the complete wrong end of stick here. I don't see how you can say she is changing her story. She is just saying the same thing in a different way. She just forgot she had not told you that particular detail. When telling a story of a situation we don't remember all details. Different details come out or are triggered by a situation or circumstance. This doesn't mean the story changes. Just that another detail is remembered.


Yeah you sre right. I talked to her this morning about the way I was feeling. She said that it was almost 4 years ago and she has been trying to forget about the details ever since then. That is how she deals with the memories of it. She said she doesn't like thinking about what she did. She is that way about everything, like my Vegas thing. She doen't even like thinking about it, or asking me questions, other then on rare occasions when she is really down. 
So I believe it is hard for her to remember if she said that or not. She said the way I feel right now is I did say that. Needless to say she had always told me that she couldn't feel him, no enjoyment, climax, and wanted him to hurry and finish,ect.
I don't understand why she even went through with it then, other then she was probaly in the moment leading up to it while they were kissing, making out, and was sexualy aroused and then it happened. That is why I don't buy the comment that she said that she did it because she thought it would make him like her better. There is know way that was in her thoughts at that time. 
Oh well I feel okay now about it now, and I can understand how after time you are not going to remember every little detail. At least she didn't tell me that he had a monster c**k and it was the best sex she ever had. I have heard stories from affairs like that, and to be honest I was riding the fence on whether to reconcile, and if she would of said things like that I know that I wouldn't be able to get past it. It is just the way I am and I think alot of other men are too. Us men want to be the biggest and best our wives have ever had, Sad to say a lot of us men are focused on thiungs like that.


----------



## nxs450 (Apr 17, 2012)

LostWifeCrushed said:


> Is it just me or has everyone just glossed over the fact that he had sex with a Vegas dancer and used EXACTLY the same response his wife did when explaining it...


I did cheat with a Veagas Dancer, I don't have a problem owning up to it. It was a sexual act (HJ), not intercourse which is what I define as sex. They are both cheating. I have told her everything that happened that night in a 30 minute span, which I can remember almost every single thing about it even though I was half drunk. I have never deviated on my story. So I'm not sure what you mean when you say I used EXACTLY the same response That is what this thread is about. 
Also not to minimize what I did, but there are some differences between the 2 acts. I was with a girl for 30 minutes, and my wife had a affair for almost 4 months. There are a lot more details, lying, and other things involved in what my wife did that takes a lot of time to work through. She agrees with me on this and for the most part has done everything she can to help me work through it.


----------



## cj9947 (Jul 9, 2011)

nxs450,
As it is so unfortunately common to say on TAM, "I feel your pain and can personally relate to your story." Some of your wife's answers to your questions are very similar to what I heard from my wife. In fact, if you Google message boards where active "Cheaters" share their stories you'll find that our wives behavior and explanations are not the exception. They are the irrational, crazy and confusing norm. 

I think if you step back and look at her behavior since the DDay and you find that she is making an honest attempt to be the wife you want her to be, and you still love her, then perhaps it is time for you to be the husband you've always wanted to be. I think if she is trying to be a good wife to you and you do not let up on her you will regret your behavior some day. We husbands sometimes have to put aside "being right" for "doing right".

If she has not been making an honest attempt to be the wife you want her to be or you do not love her anymore then perhaps it is time for you to "tap out" and let both of you move on and find the right persons for both of you.

I too have experienced OCD for most of my life. I actually never really addressed it because I used it to my advantage in business and it allowed my to focus on my goals and to make $$$. Yet, it became very clear to me that it was a serious detriment to myself in coping with my wife's affair.

I'd like to recommend a book I read entitled, "Getting Over OCD" by Johnathan Abramowitz. Your local library may have it. It did wonders for my OCD.

Best wishes to you and your wife.


----------



## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

I am a BS, so please don't take this as I am defending the WS but I do think you are obsessing over semantics here.
Can you clearly remember every word you said and how you said it from over 3 years ago? I'm sure the answer is no. So why expect your WW too? She told you she couldn't feel him inside here, then 3 years later she said she asked him if he was inside her. Correct? It's more or less the same thing. Now unless there are 
Many other discrepancies to her story then I think you are being a little pedantic to be honest.
You are 3 years on from her A. Stop attacking her verbally and talk about it in a rational way. Does she still question you about your cheating? Is she still insistant on knowing every detail and going over and over it? If she is I would say there is still a lot of mistrust between the 2 of you and you seriously need MC.

I still don't know ALL the details of Hs A. There are questions I have chosen not to ask for now. My H has answered all the questions I have asked, and the pain in his eyes is clear to see. His A will haunt us both for a long time but I honestly can't see the value in going over the same things over and over again. It's almost as if you are still trying to catch her out.

Do you love her? Have you forgiven her? If the answers are yes then cut her a bit of slack and stop scrutinising every detail. It'll eat you up inside otherwise and you will never be able to let it go.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

nxs450 said:


> I did cheat with a Veagas Dancer, I don't have a problem owning up to it. It was a sexual act (HJ), not intercourse which is what I define as sex. They are both cheating. I have told her everything that happened that night in a 30 minute span, which I can remember almost every single thing about it even though I was half drunk. I have never deviated on my story. So I'm not sure what you mean when you say I used EXACTLY the same response That is what this thread is about.
> Also not to minimize what I did, but there are some differences between the 2 acts. I was with a girl for 30 minutes, and my wife had a affair for almost 4 months. There are a lot more details, lying, and other things involved in what my wife did that takes a lot of time to work through. She agrees with me on this and for the most part has done everything she can to help me work through it.


I mean, the dynamic of your relationship is that you BOTH have broken your vow of fidelity. You BOTH say it didn't "mean" anything or neither of you "felt" anything, etc. 

If you feel your OCD is may be getting in the way, then look at that. If you feel she is holding back, then tell her that. Work through it together. You have to have a goal of restoring your marriage, right?

I agree hers was worse, but why is this important? If the goal is to keep the marriage, you need to each accept responsibility for your betrayals. Love and friendship. Love and respect.


----------



## nxs450 (Apr 17, 2012)

Thanks for the replies. I know my OCD is making things worse then they are. I am going to start taking my meds again for it until I get it under control again.
Thanks daisygirl 41, and cj9947 for your replies. They made me realize what is going on, and that I am over reacting. 
I had a really time today with my wife. She got up early this morning and made me Tiramisu for my birthday. She also had written me a letter that really explained the way she feels and how she almost lost the best thing in her life. I told her I was going to start taking my meds again, and I am going to focus on positive things in our life. And that we both messed up at a bad time in our life. I need to realize how lucky we are that we made it this far. Also that I need to remember that niether one of us had feelings for the OP. We were just trying to fill voids in our lives at that time.
I'm going to keep the letter handy to remind me the next time I start having negative thoughts.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

This crap is tough, its been 2-1/2 yrs since I confronted my chick and just like you I get those negitive vibes and it sucks. 

I just wanted to let you know your not alone and R can me a b!tch but the rewards are worth it. Hang in there brother.

I keep my wifes letter in the visor of my truck, it seems when ever I have a lot of windshield time I get to thinking about all the crap and its nice to read something the reassures me that she want to be with me and only me from now on.


----------

