# Hostage Situation



## Shipwreck (Jan 2, 2015)

Wife and I are in our early 50's. We married 10 years ago.

Her daughter got knocked up in college by the only guy she ever dated. They married right before the baby was born and have had another child, again by accident. The father is a bum. Won't work. Doesn't help with the kids. Doesn't really do much of anything except play video games and watch sports on TV. He is also very anti-social and rude.

About a year or so ago I lost, or thought I lost, an expensive hand tool. I looked everywhere, couldn't find it. The other day my wife and I were at her daughters place to drop something off and as we were leaving I happened to see this same tool that I lost on their kitchen counter along with some other tools (not mine). The chances of my step-daughters husband acquiring this tool through his own pocket change are about 1 in 1000. I was very surprised to see it. It is quite possible that my wife or I let her daughters husband borrow this tool and forgot about it. I made a remark that it was just like mine and how much it cost. I also asked how he got it. A very defensive, "I don't know" was what I got.

When my wife and I got home all hell broke loose. My wife is petrified that I inferred that her daughters husband stole the tool and that now her daughter and husband are going to conspire to withhold the grandchildren in retaliation. In fact my wife and grandson were supposed to go have an outing today but that was nixed by her daughter, no reason given. My step-daughter is extremely spoiled, treats her mother very badly, and is very inclined to be spiteful so it is not unreasonable to expect her to do something like that. In essence I have possibly caused a huge disturbance in this fragile relationship and have been all but told to not inquire about the tool.

This whole thing grates my ass to no end. 

Anyone have a similar debacle? What did you do?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Tell your wife to buy you another one of the tools and a locking tool chest, then leave it alone. Her relationship with her daughter is her business.

C


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## Shipwreck (Jan 2, 2015)

PBear said:


> Tell your wife to buy you another one of the tools and a locking tool chest, then leave it alone. Her relationship with her daughter is her business.
> 
> C


That would be no different than going out and buying it myself. Granted her _personal_ relationship with her daughter is her business but her daughter is very manipulative and is the puppet-master which also affects me by proxy. By association......... it is my business. I see no reason why it would be out of bounds to ask her husband if I may have lent him the tool and forgot about it. They have borrowed items before and not returned them months or years later so it is not unreasonable to assume this might be the same circumstance. I haven't lived my life only to be at the whims of spiteful immature twenty-somethings.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Shipwreck said:


> That would be no different than going out and buying it myself. Granted her _personal_ relationship with her daughter is her business but her daughter is very manipulative and is the puppet-master which also affects me by proxy. By association......... it is my business. I see no reason why it would be out of bounds to ask her husband if I may have lent him the tool and forgot about it. They have borrowed items before and not returned them months or years later so it is not unreasonable to assume this might be the same circumstance. I haven't lived my life only to be at the whims of spiteful immature twenty-somethings.


Apparently you do live at the whims of spiteful immature twenty-something's, as I suspect this is the normal pattern of behaviours, and you haven't stopped it yet. If you confront him about it, he's already invested in a lie, and he'd be a fool to admit it now. So the odds you'll get any truth is pretty slim. So your best option is to keep it from happening again.

C


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You seem to think you're going to get them to change. 

You aren't.

What you CAN do is start setting boundaries about your OWN life and how much crow you have to eat due to them.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

turnera said:


> You seem to think you're going to get them to change.
> 
> You aren't.
> 
> What you CAN do is start setting boundaries about your OWN life and how much crow you have to eat due to them.


And lock up your stuff in the meantime...

C


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## Shipwreck (Jan 2, 2015)

turnera said:


> You seem to think you're going to get them to change.
> 
> You aren't.
> 
> What you CAN do is start setting boundaries about your OWN life and how much crow you have to eat due to them.


No, I'm a bit more realistic than to expect them to change. 

As far as setting _my_ boundaries.......... already done. This particular instance, unbeknownst to me, occurred prior to realizing the need to do so. Enforcing the boundaries is a constant challenge as anything I do or don't do that does not answer favorably to the whims and wants of my wife's daughter is challenged by my wife or in the rare instance where I am present to just say "No" directly to the daughter she will retaliate in some fashion. My wife has no boundaries with her daughter as her worst fear is the ever present possibility of the grandchildren being with-held from her. Guess you call that emotional blackmail??


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

So what boundaries - and CONSEQUENCES - have you set up?


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## Shipwreck (Jan 2, 2015)

turnera said:


> So what boundaries - and CONSEQUENCES - have you set up?


The obvious boundary is that none of my tools leave the home for my wife's daughter or husband to use. If it does then we will separate. 

Per my wife I am being mean and trying to drive a wedge between my wife and her daughter.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

So what? She's entitled to her feelings. Make sure you tell her that. 

What boundaries for OTHER aspects of y'all's lives, like jumping when she says so?


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## Pooh Bear (Dec 28, 2014)

Shipwreck said:


> No, I'm a bit more realistic than to expect them to change.
> 
> As far as setting _my_ boundaries.......... already done. This particular instance, unbeknownst to me, occurred prior to realizing the need to do so. Enforcing the boundaries is a constant challenge as anything I do or don't do that does not answer favorably to the whims and wants of my wife's daughter is challenged by my wife or in the rare instance where I am present to just say "No" directly to the daughter she will retaliate in some fashion. My wife has no boundaries with her daughter as her worst fear is the ever present possibility of the grandchildren being with-held from her. Guess you call that emotional blackmail??


Ugggg. This sounds like an awful situation. And the fact that they are using their kids as pawns is ridiculous. I would be ticked too. Not sure what to do because it sounds like if you were to confront them about the tool, your wife may not see her grandchildren. That would be devastating for her and her grandchildren need her. Maybe just ignore it and make sure all tools are locked up (and anything of value) and don't loan them anything.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Shipwreck said:


> No, I'm a bit more realistic than to expect them to change.
> 
> As far as setting _my_ boundaries.......... already done. This particular instance, unbeknownst to me, occurred prior to realizing the need to do so. Enforcing the boundaries is a constant challenge as anything I do or don't do that does not answer favorably to the whims and wants of my wife's daughter is challenged by my wife or in the rare instance where I am present to just say "No" directly to the daughter she will retaliate in some fashion. My wife has no boundaries with her daughter as her worst fear is the ever present possibility of the grandchildren being with-held from her. Guess you call that emotional blackmail??


Yes, that is emotional blackmail. 

Two books wil helop you
Emotional Blackmail
Boundaries


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## Shipwreck (Jan 2, 2015)

Blossom Leigh said:


> Yes, that is emotional blackmail.
> 
> Two books wil helop you
> Emotional Blackmail
> Boundaries


Thanks. You're most helpful


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## Shipwreck (Jan 2, 2015)

Pooh Bear said:


> Ugggg. This sounds like an awful situation. And the fact that they are using their kids as pawns is ridiculous. I would be ticked too. Not sure what to do because it sounds like if you were to confront them about the tool, your wife may not see her grandchildren. That would be devastating for her and her grandchildren need her. Maybe just ignore it and make sure all tools are locked up (and anything of value) and don't loan them anything.


Yes, it's awful and it's a minefield. Thanks for your advice.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Shipwreck said:


> About a year or so ago I lost, or thought I lost, an expensive hand tool. I looked everywhere, couldn't find it. The other day my wife and I were at her daughters place to drop something off and as we were leaving I happened to see this same tool that I lost on their kitchen counter along with some other tools (not mine). The chances of my step-daughters husband acquiring this tool through his own pocket change are about 1 in 1000. I was very surprised to see it. It is quite possible that my wife or I let her daughters husband borrow this tool and forgot about it. I made a remark that it was just like mine and how much it cost. I also asked how he got it. A very defensive, "I don't know" was what I got.


I would engrave "property of Your Name" and the date on all of your tools. Lock them up and refuse to loan any to those thieves.


I married last year, my wife and i are in our fifties. She has two daughters, 14 and 20, who think that anything not nailed down is something that can "borrow."

So I have had a number of charger cords and blocks for iphones go missing and a lot of other things too.

After a frustrating number of times telling the girls to not take my stuff, and me replacing these $30 items again and again, i finally bloew up at them all and ewnt searching for all my cords.

Both always deny having taken them.

Of course they had them!

some under bed, in bedroom debris, in cars, purses, etc.

How do i know they are mine, you may ask?

Because i had written in small ink my name on each one and not told them.

When I point out that you cannot "borrow" without permission. The rest of us call it "stealing"?

They think I'm being cheap with them.

No, I want them to respect private property.

I've actually purchased for the both of them additional cords. They just don't take care of things and think there is an endless supply of things that will just be given to them or they can just take since i guess that has been modus operandi with their mom for years.

Not sure of the complete solve on this yet, but I won't listen to their lies and they have been caught and know wit.


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## Shipwreck (Jan 2, 2015)

an update:

We found out that the SIL has been cheating on my wife's daughter. I say "wife's daughter" because she is very close to her dad and I came along in her 20's so there's not a whole lot of emotional connection there. Evidence in the form of correspondence was given to my wife and she gave it to her SIL and told him to make it stop. That's all that was said. SIL hasn't stopped. The odd thing about it now is that in effect my wife is helping him keep his secret. My wife is very obsessive with her daughter and grandchildren and will go to great lengths to ensure their happiness but this is a very odd situation. If my step-daughter catches her husband I am 100% sure he will implicate my wife in keeping his secret and knowing her as I do will likely keep herself and children away from her mother for eternity. To me there's an odd rationale at play by allowing her daughter to be made a fool over the desire to maintain the family in order to fulfill a personal obsession. Also, the women he cheats with hang around truck stops so how terrible would it be for my wife's daughter to find out he'd been cheating by catching VD.

Of course this led to a heated discussion about the whole situation. Usually our discussions consist of me presenting my side in a few sentences and then my wife telling me how wrong I am 6 different ways for about 15 minutes. All the while I'm usually silent and staring off into space because to me it's just kind of bizarre how she can continuously rant for so long. So this time I got up from my chair to leave the room cause I just wasn't going to take the bashing anymore and she attempted to block the doorway. While doing this she accused me of wanting to hit her. Also bizarre because I have never harmed another person in my life. I went into the kitchen, sat down at the dinner table and told her that if she wanted to continue the discussion to please have a seat and lower her voice otherwise I was not going to endure it. I thought I might change the environment and try to institute some courteous conditions. She then dropped to her knees and clasped her hands outward and said something like "Daddy please teach me the rules on how to be an adult". Never seen that before. Then she got up and continued yelling and I told her again that if she didn't stop then I was going to leave. She then slapped herself in the face hard and said that she was being bad. 

What did I witness? 

It affected me for several weeks and I don't know what to make of it.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

I don't envy you.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I think you witnessed a mentally ill woman.

And for God's sake, call your stepdaughter up - RIGHT NOW - and tell her the truth. Are you a man or a mouse? Do the right thing.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Your wife's behavior is way out of line.

Her accusing you of wanting to hit her is not good at all. 

I could see if she was not blocking your way and you were standing over her in a very aggressive stance. But not under the circumstance.

Her acting like you were parenting her is wrong. You have the right to leave any discussion at any time who chose. You also have the right to not put up with being yelled at.

I would take that accusation very seriously.

YOu might need to insist on marriage counseling so that you have a safe place to let her know that you have boundaries. YOu will not accept her holding you hostage, blocking your exit, threating you with false abuse accusations.

We teach people how they can treat us.

What is the lesson you want to convey to her? Right now she thinks that disrespecting you, yelling at you, taunting you, and making false abuse accusations are just fine.


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## Shipwreck (Jan 2, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> YOu might need to insist on marriage counseling so that you have a safe place to let her know that you have boundaries.


She won't go. She has stated that marriage counselors side with whoever is paying the bill. 

So I said she could pay and I would reimburse her. Still won't.

I think it's more that she wouldn't be able to control the environment in a counseling session.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Shipwreck said:


> She won't go. She has stated that marriage counselors side with whoever is paying the bill.
> 
> So I said she could pay and I would reimburse her. Still won't.
> 
> I think it's more that she wouldn't be able to control the environment in a counseling session.


I agree that it's a control issue.

If she will not go, then I suggest that you very thoughtfully write up what you need to say to her. Tell her that you will not tolerate this.

One thing that works is to tell her that you will not engage in any kind of angry, yelling, outbursts. If you sense things going heating up, you are leaving the room so that she can calm herself down and think more clearly so that she can discuss things with out angry outbursts and yelling. When this happens you will get up and leave, go to another room, go for a walk or anything to get out of there for at least an hour.

I was married to a guy who very often who start angry outbursts. I finally did that with him. It did end almost all of his angry outbursts. He started to do things like go for a long bike ride to calm himself down.

Keep a copy of what you write.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Yep, obviously all about her; just like in the situation with her daughter.

I suggest you buy a VAR and keep it running any time you're with your wife; she's made it clear you are becoming her enemy and her next step is likely to be calling the cops on you if you don't bow down. Irrational as that sounds, it's just what some people grasp for.

And the next time she tries to bar your way out of a room, find a DIFFERENT way out. Going back to sit down was a mistake.


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## Shipwreck (Jan 2, 2015)

turnera said:


> And the next time she tries to bar your way out of a room, find a DIFFERENT way out. Going back to sit down was a mistake.


Let me clarify my previous post. We were in one room with one exit when the discussion started. She was blocking the only exit.......... guess I could have gone out the window. When I got by her I went to the kitchen and sat at the kitchen table.


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## Shipwreck (Jan 2, 2015)

turnera said:


> And for God's sake, call your stepdaughter up - RIGHT NOW - and tell her the truth. Are you a man or a mouse? Do the right thing.


 Her parents know. It's in their hands


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