# New evidence: once a cheater always a cheater?



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

New evidence says it's true

What do you think?

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/ar...ree-times-likely-stray-research-suggests.html


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Here is another article reporting on the same study, or at least one that ahs about the same results.

_"But does that really mean a cheater can never change? Not necessarily. Both studies note that while cheating once may make someone more likely to do it again, it doesn’t necessarily prove that they actually will. When you look at the 2016 study, a full 70 percent of people didn’t stray in their new relationship."_

https://www.menshealth.com/sex-wome...st-someone-who-has-cheated-in-a-relationship/

So basically, most people who cheat are not serial cheaters and "Once a cheater always a cheater" is only true in about 30% of cases.


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

You cannot predict to the individual.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Cheating, with some noted conscionable exceptions, is a whole lot like the divorce process: Once you bring yourself to do it, then repeating it is a much easier process to internally digest, and then to do all over again. 

Rationale being, that one comes to learn "the drill" awfully well, and at the same time, comes to feel far less guilt-ridden about their covert, sordid extracurricular activities! *


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

I believe firmly in the ability for people to change, but life has taught me that precious few will actually do so. Real, meaningful change is hard, hard work and can be quite painful. Most people lack the will to see it through.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

I've always believed stereotypes come from somewhere - most stereotypes don't just float down randomly from the heavens with nothing to back them up. 

I tend to believe it's true. Not 100% of the time, but a lot of the time.

I just think once a cheater is caught, some use it as a learning experience in what NOT to do the next time around, and they just work a lot harder to keep from getting caught again. You constantly see it happening on the infidelity boards, BS's coming back to post that their cheater did it *again* even after they were positive they were happily reconciling and their cheater had "done all the work."  But what's _'all the work' _really entail? That's usually the cheater sitting in therapy and getting some psycho-babble excuse handed to them by some therapist for why they cheated (and it's always some ridiculous "FOO" issue or disorder or addiction) and the cheater putting on a great show of remorse for the BS. It means 'transparency' by making their cell phones and all social media and email accounts accessible to the BS for monitoring (which usually just means the cheater gets a burner phone and/or makes NEW secret accounts the BS doesn't know about). 

None of this "work" means crap; it's very very easy to play the oh-so-remorseful-spouse while STILL cheating. Happens *all the time.*


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

The lesson here, as with many sex threads, etc. is that while we all have pasts, some of us believe everyone's past will predict the future.......

Except, of course, their OWN pasts 😉


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> Here is another article reporting on the same study, or at least one that ahs about the same results.
> 
> _"But does that really mean a cheater can never change? Not necessarily. Both studies note that while cheating once may make someone more likely to do it again, it doesn’t necessarily prove that they actually will. When you look at the 2016 study, a full 70 percent of people didn’t stray in their new relationship."_
> 
> ...


That squares with the oft-flaunted numbers of people who normally will, or have cheated.

The U.S. statistic:
30 to 36% of all males will/have cheated.
21% of all females.

Averaging out the two genders gives roughly 30%.

No one really knows, not everyone is honest or forthcoming.
Can we expect honesty from a cheater?
Even if offered up anonymously?

Sometimes.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Here is another article reporting on the same study, or at least one that ahs about the same results.
> 
> _"But does that really mean a cheater can never change? Not necessarily. Both studies note that while cheating once may make someone more likely to do it again, it doesn’t necessarily prove that they actually will. When you look at the 2016 study, a full 70 percent of people didn’t stray in their new relationship."_
> 
> ...


Oh no, conflicting studies?

What should I believe?

Think I’ll go with the common wisdom, especially since it tends to come from common experiences.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

SunCMars said:


> That squares with the oft-flaunted numbers of people who normally will, or have cheated.
> 
> The U.S. statistic:
> 30 to 36% of all males will/have cheated.
> ...


*Only if the cheating party owns up to it and "honestly" cheats!

After all, everyone knows all too well that "cheating" and "lying" are serious bedfellows!*


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Plus, what constitutes cheating?

This topic [question] has been covered extensively on TAM.

If it is 'any type' of cheating [willful deceit], the numbers may double or more.

For example, flirting with others.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

personofinterest said:


> The lesson here, as with many sex threads, etc. is that while we all have pasts, some of us believe everyone's past will predict the future.......
> 
> Except, of course, their OWN pasts 😉


I am past doomed.

I answer for many in my past and in my head.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

My life experience says cheaters tend to continue cheating. Does that mean every single cheater continues cheating? No. Like everything else, circumstances differ. What it does mean is never again trust completely when you R with a cheater.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

My take, just b/c someone cheated does not guarantee they will do it again. HOWEVER, the odds of them cheating again would seem to be much higher (which to me is something I would definitely take into account before getting involved with someone who has cheated in the past).


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

EleGirl said:


> So basically, *most people who cheat are not serial cheaters *and "Once a cheater always a cheater" is only true in about 30% of cases.


First, stats from confirmed liars is dodgy at best. With that being said... the claim about serial cheating should be qualified. 

Something that is rarely discussed here on CWI is that affairs almost always have a expiration date built in. This thrill to risk ratio decreases with time, people move, change jobs, the shine just dulls over time.

The point... When a WS cheats on their spouse months to years on end and *"get away with it"* and the affair ends uneventful, the WS is primed for the "next" affair. Other than temporary grief and guilt... NO REAL CONSEQUENCE is levied on the WS. 

I saw it first hand with my WW. When finally caught she had been Serial Cheating for near 7 years with a confirmed 3 AP (more? who knows). When finally caught, I asked why continuing cheating when you got away with it the 1st time, why not just stop, you admitted it was killing our marriage. Her answer was telling... _"I was never going to be caught, my secret. It was so exciting and addictive." _

I firmly believe Serial Cheating without being caught is more common than ever stated.


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## bigfoot (Jan 22, 2014)

Once a cheater ALWAYS will have been a cheater is true. Never caught cheaters will probably reoffend. Caught serial cheaters are likely to reoffend.after that, its a crap shoot. Maybe they got the one person they wanted to bang and now they are done.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

GusPolinski said:


> Oh no, conflicting studies?
> 
> What should I believe?
> 
> Think I’ll go with the common wisdom, especially since it tends to come from common experiences.


Nope, they are not conflicting studies. They are the same study with two articles talking about them using different words.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

A lot of variables would have to come into play to prove that is true of anyone, in all circumstances.

I only believe someone who is severely mental in some form would cheat always and no matter what.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

EllisRedding said:


> My take, just b/c someone cheated does not guarantee they will do it again. HOWEVER, the odds of them cheating again would seem to be much higher (which to me is something I would definitely take into account before getting involved with someone who has cheated in the past).


Yep increased risk isn’t something I sign on for. Re offense is high. Everyone I know who cheated did it more than once. I also wouldn’t expect honest answers from them On a survey lol


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

Who cares if they might cheat again? Is once not enough...


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

UpsideDownWorld11 said:


> Who cares if they might cheat again? Is once not enough...


If you just started dating this person ........

There are a fair few celebrities who cheated on one to get to the next. Even McCain cheated on his first wife and unless I'm missing something, was faithful to his second.

I suppose I would look out for an entitlement attitude. And also how secretive they are even as you become exclusive.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

NextTimeAround said:


> If you just started dating this person ........
> 
> There are a fair few celebrities who cheated on one to get to the next. Even McCain cheated on his first wife and unless I'm missing something, was faithful to his second.
> 
> I suppose I would look out for an entitlement attitude. And also how secretive they are even as you become exclusive.


I wouldn't date someone I knew had cheated. Just not interested. But I imagine most aren't that forthcoming, maybe ever.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

personofinterest said:


> The lesson here, as with many sex threads, etc. is that while we all have pasts, some of us believe everyone's past will predict the future.......
> 
> Except, of course, their OWN pasts 😉


My past absolutely predicts my future. I've never cheated.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

You may die if you drink and drive, or not. Same kind of thing, just better to avoid these types of people in your life if you can.

Thing is most are not going to tell you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

zookeeper said:


> My past absolutely predicts my future. I've never cheated.


If the past absolutely predicts the future, then we should all just give up. None of us is perfect. All of us have sinned (or whatever you want to call doing bad things). If there is no redemption and turning one's life around, then what's the point?


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

EleGirl said:


> ... If there is no redemption and turning one's life around, then what's the point?


All for redemption... that should go hand in hand with strong consequences, then what's the point?


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> If the past absolutely predicts the future, then we should all just give up. None of us is perfect. All of us have sinned (or whatever you want to call doing bad things). If there is no redemption and turning one's life around, then what's the point?


Anyone is entitled to seek redemption and their victims are entitled to disbelieve a proven liar/cheat. Would you give more money to Madoff because he said he saw the error of his ways? 

One of the consequences of being a lying, selfish cheat is the complete loss of trust and credibility with many people in your life, not just your BS. Don't do the crime if you can't do the time.


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## red oak (Oct 26, 2018)

It should look at context of why before stating, "once-always."


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## brettyboo (May 5, 2018)

So 30% cheat and 30% of that cheat again? That's 9% of people overall that will cheat more than once.

Here's the problem though ... once your spouse cheats and you find out, then you know that they are a cheater. 

If you ditch the relationship and start a new one, you dont know if they are a cheater. Thanks to the deceptive nature of a cheater, they wont tell you! Are they in the 30% that cheated, and maybe even in the 9% that will cheat again?

In both cases, there are risks you'll be cheated on again, only in the first case it's the devil you know and this person may or may not be in the 9% of utter scumbags.

So, is there less risk by staying, or going? I say each person has to weigh that up for themselves, and use much more than just the numbers to work that out.

Sent from my SM-G935F using Tapatalk


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

No one saw this?


"Study found people who were cheated on had same experience in the future"


Now that's something to talk about. How do you learn not to be cheated on? Do you learn or do you do it as well or first? Do you learn to accept that it will happen and get out at the smallest of clues?


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

2ntnuf said:


> No one saw this?
> 
> 
> "Study found people who were cheated on had same experience in the future"
> ...


Some people don't learn / enforce the proper boundaries to prevent it from happening again. Also, they may be addicted to a certain type ...... like already married partners.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> If the past absolutely predicts the future, then we should all just give up. None of us is perfect. All of us have sinned (or whatever you want to call doing bad things). If there is no redemption and turning one's life around, then what's the point?


I cheated in my first marriage, twice. Clearly this was something that was going to continue in my situation, so I ended the marriage. (that marriage was a disaster, I already knew it but my second affair was my solidifying wake up call) I have never cheated in any relationship since, it has been 20 years now. I am up front about my past with new partners. I would hate for someone not to give me a chance because of this, but I get it if that is the decision they make. 

Having said that, when I was dating my last (now ex) husband, he revealed the quite sordid past of him and his ex wife. I almost bolted, which I now know I should have. Its a tough spot to be in, because we hear both extremes being touted... both that you aren't supposed to hold someone's past against them/don't judge someone by their past, AND, once a cheater always a cheater. Its really a double edged sword, how do you determine which way to go?? I guess really there is no cut and dried answer to this, since all situations are unique. In the case of my ex, I should have run based on the things he told me. Ugh... hard lesson.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

I can guarantee you one thing. If I started a new relationship (or was considering it) and the person revealed (or I otherwise found out) that they cheated on a serious partner in the past, I would move on from that person. Not worth the risk if I wasn't already invested.

Cheating comes in many forms. A bed hopper is likely going to continue bed hopping. Someone who can't resist the attention from people whether in a relationship or not, are likely going to always look for that and not be trustworthy. However, someone who had a one-off, whether due to a horrible marital situation, or a particular weakness for an ex, something like that, fall into a different category. Some cheaters go back for "closure" and then they are done. Others are in abusive situations.

There are just too many scenarios to paint this all with one brush. 

I do agree that someone who hasn't been caught is far more likely to continue the behavior. Getting caught in an affair is a huge blow to both parties, and the WS is far less likely to want to risk going through that backlash again. They'd think twice, at least. 

Surely there are tons of cheaters that none of us even know about, going about their devious business, maybe even over and over again. I think those are the ones that will keep cheating forever. And the bed hoppers


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## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

I don’t think that’s true. I think we are human make mistakes and learn. If you truly love your spouse and you know you made a mistake then no I don’t think you will do it again.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

NextTimeAround said:


> Some people don't learn / enforce the proper boundaries to prevent it from happening again. Also, they may be addicted to a certain type ...... like already married partners.


I need to work on mine, then. I think it will help in everyday life.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Early bird gets the worm but the second mouse, gets the spouse.
I forgot what the topic was. I was going to write something very profound. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

I think it depends on many factors, most notably age and maturity level. A 20something spouse is much different than a 40 or 50 year old spouse.


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