# touchy subject with a friend's son.



## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

My girlfriend had a husband who was a total bum their whole 25 year marriage. 

He never worked, spent money like crazy, did not manage his poor health. She finally booted him out and filed for divorce but she still gives him money. 

She /they have two kids. One is doing great and is in college and the other is dropping out of high school in his senior year. 
He hasn't gone to school in a month.

She tells me she is worn out from dealing with her husband and doesn't have any energy left to deal with the son. She has a new boyfriend now and is into her own needs. 

The kid is totally spoiled by my friend and has or gets whatever he wants. Again, he has basically taken over his dad's spot. 

Is there ANY advice I can give to her? 

I'm not sure what I would do in her shoes. I just think it's worth it to push him through his senior year and then he can be a bum. 

I have a feeling he will be living with her forever. 

Cellphone, playstation, laptop, Netflix, food, driver. Why would he leave? 
17 and no drivers training or license. 

I don't bring it up but if she asks me or vents, I give her the tough love speech but she doesn't do it.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Giving advise to someone on how to parent is a lose lose situation.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Besides....she isn't asking you sh1t....she is just venting.

I'm guessing she already knows what your going to say so just keep repeating it.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Kids are funny that way. I got one that is a go getter and the other is laid back and takes it as it comes.

I stopped feeding him and he finally got a job.

Years later both kids are pulling their own wieght....I'm guessing they both know that me and Mrs. the-guy are both crazy enough to phuck up our own lives.......helping them out with their lives isn't really their best option. LOL


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Will he take a GED test? If he wants to drop out, there may be nothing she can do to force him to finish school. If she can at least get him to take the GED.

My son dropped out in the 11th grade. I told him that he had to take the GED. We went through the formal route of petitioning the school system to allow him to drop out as long as he took the GED. He then took 2 years off of school and worked. After those 2 years he went back to school. IN May he graduated with two degrees. One in physics and one in applied mathematics. He started a masters in physics in August and is doing very well.

My point? Sometimes we have to just let our kids decide their own path in life. 

Like I told my son after he finished his GED... from there on out the direction his life takes is in his own hands.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

It's amazing what a couple a years will do for a young adult.

I mean their whole out look at 17 can be completely different when they turn 20.

Plus or minus a few years....


Hell I didn't figure crap out until I was over 40. LOL


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## Froggi (Sep 10, 2014)

He would either be in school or hit the road when he is.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Rugs said:


> Is there ANY advice I can give to her?


You may lose her as a friend but yes. Let her know that her youngest son being plan B is cruel to him. In her mind, she's thinking, if this doesn't work then little Johnny is all I have. Well she can justify what she does all kinds of ways but in the meantime his life is passing him by and eventually he'll be worthless to help himself. She'll avoid taking credit for that but she's trying to keep him dependent on her. Especially since the oldest son is gone. Yea I sound like chicken little about the falling sky but seriously this is very common and very screwed up.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I agree, Thundarr. So inconvenient being a parent. Yes, it can be exhausting, annoying, difficult... it can mean riding their butts, checking behind them, pushing them hard, setting boundaries, gritting your teeth... but it NEVER involves giving up because it's just too much. Not at that age. When she became a parent she signed up for that responsibility. Not until he becomes toxic does he deserve to be given up on. Her job as a parent is to produce a contributing member of society. Putting her love life first* is* cruel - he sees he's not valued and she doesn't care enough to ensure his success in life. 

I also agree with EleGirl. Each kid has to find their way. Sometimes it's the pain of doing a menial job and living hand-to-mouth that finally makes them commit to something. 

My kid knows she has to finish high school OR take the GED and that this is her job right now. After that she can continue to live with me/my rules/eat my food but she has to be productive FULL TIME. She can work full time, go to school full time or do half and half (and the other half can be mow/clean/cook but not lay around all day). If she doesn't do any of that, she's out. I'm not providing a free ride through life. 

She owes it to him to start a dialog and listen to him. Ask what he wants to do. What he's interested in. Show she cares. If he doesn't know, take him to a career counselor. Research all kinds of jobs. If he needs several years to find out then he needs to work. Maybe he'll work his way right into something that suits him. If not he can keep trying new things. As long as he's not stagnant, that OK.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

No advice

Worry about your own life

She is paving her own road, if she wanted to change/help she would've adjusted treatment towards her son already. But she chooses to enable him.

By getting involved you will only damage your friendship.....assuming you want to continue to be friends with her of course. hehe


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

DoF said:


> No advice
> 
> Worry about your own life
> 
> ...


You're right. Unless the friend actually asks for advice then saying much will have her defending herself and going into protection mode for her son. Rugs will be in the 'judgemental them' box. Whether it's good advice or not won't matter.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

the guy said:


> Giving advise to someone on how to parent is a lose lose situation.


Still, I never fail to point out that, once you have a kid, you give up YOUR needs until that kid is raised and out of the nest. She still owes her kid at least another 6 months of attention.


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