# Acknowledgement...



## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

Guys, how do you prefer your wife acknowledge the little things you do? Verbally, tit for tat, sexually? Just curious, one of the things I am working on in my marriage is acknowledging the efforts my husband is making in our marriage, and reassuring him it is not in vain, and I'm not 100% sure how to do that... sounds crazy, but just saying thank you is not enough. He says he is so happy because I have changed so much in good ways, I am the one wanting him to change now, and he is making efforts, although slow and steady and made a comment yesterday that I need to truly acknowledge and give him credit for what he does do, instead of being stuck on what he had done wrong... so I have been thinking and this is something I want to work on. I also want to make it a habit so that it is automatic and I don't take advantage of the little things ever again! KWIM? Any tips?


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Hmmm. I don't know...he just knows. I give him constant affection, and constant sex and blowjobs. I know that's very situational, and not always doable in all relationships.

But he always knows that I admire him, I tell him all the time. Seriously, you'd think it'd be too much, but nah. It's not. Start with compliments, see how it goes.

And go you for your efforts! I admire you so much!


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

We are in a period in our relationship of reconnecting, and so I think he needs more reassurance than usual that the efforts he is making are sticking... his words. So that is why I threw it out there. It was the only request that he had. I guess I need to be more verbal, not just at the time it happened but later maybe to let him know something made my day, made me feel good, made me know he was thinking of me, etc. I do the extra affection, that is just something I was already doing, one of the changes I made, same in the bedroom, I think the insecurity switch flipped and he feels it now because I am the one who was having issues in the relationship while he was sort of content to be stuck in a rut (again his words) for a while. But we are making progress and that is more than I could ever ask for!!! I just thought maybe some others in our situation could give me some pointers into the man brain


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

livelaughlovenow said:


> We are in a period in our relationship of reconnecting, and so I think he needs more reassurance than usual that the efforts he is making are sticking... his words. So that is why I threw it out there. It was the only request that he had. I guess I need to be more verbal, not just at the time it happened but later maybe to let him know something made my day, made me feel good, made me know he was thinking of me, etc. I do the extra affection, that is just something I was already doing, one of the changes I made, same in the bedroom, I think the insecurity switch flipped and he feels it now because I am the one who was having issues in the relationship while he was sort of content to be stuck in a rut (again his words) for a while. But we are making progress and that is more than I could ever ask for!!! I just thought maybe some others in our situation could give me some pointers into the man brain


lol I'm in the same boat you are. Both hubby and I are struggling with this, making changes, acknowledging said changes, ect.


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## firebelly (May 24, 2012)

So, I've read a few things here and there, but what comes to mind is just changing your mindset to one that is focused on gratitude. Oprah's gratitude journal is something I do periodically when I'm feeling pouty. List 5 things at the end of the day you were thankful for about your husband. Sometimes it's: he's alive. when you know you have to journal it at the end of the day, you start looking for it during the day - and then you can verbalize it. 

And I think as patronizing (matronizing?) as it is - the "rules" women and the puppy training woman have something. Reward him with a smile and / or verbal praise (hot dog bits?) every time he even makes a small little effort at moving toward doing something you like.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

It always amazes me this. These things are so simple to do, don’t cost anything except a little bit of time yet can have a major impact and be highly motivational.

If for example you were a good leader/manager when you walk around you’d be looking out for people doing good things so you can recognise and pay tribute to them. Even better if you really want to motivate another person then you tell other people of the good thing or things they’ve done, in the hope that it gets back to them.

There are books like http://www.amazon.com/How-Win-Frien...7346/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1338595215&sr=8-1. Have a look at the reviews. Also http://www.amazon.com/The-Minute-Ma...4291/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1338595441&sr=8-1.

While meant for the workplace the skills learned are just as applicable in the home with both your spouse and children. There’s a pretty fine line though relatively easy to step over and that’s “patronising”. But if they are sincere the appreciation, compliments and thanks can be very motivational. Most especially for those whose love language is Affirmation/Appreciation.



I think the types of people that really don’t get these things are the ones big on Service as a love language. Some even scorn at Affirmation/Appreciation as a love language saying something like “What! Thank a person for doing a service it’s their duty to perform. Not me!”.

These types of people obviously don’t lead and motivate others. If you’ve a husband say paying every month for the mortgage but you never ever thank him for it one day he will feel exceptionally unappreciated and it’s all downhill from there.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

AFEH said:


> I think the types of people that really don’t get these things are the ones big on Service as a love language. Some even scorn at Affirmation/Appreciation as a love language saying something like “What! Thank a person for doing a service it’s their duty to perform. Not me!”.
> 
> These types of people obviously don’t lead and motivate others. If you’ve a husband say paying every month for the mortgage but you never ever thank him for it one day he will feel exceptionally unappreciated and it’s all downhill from there.


I agree with this in a sense... Love language does have alot to do with it. Since my biggest are acts of service and words of affirmation/appreciation.. thats what i use and have expected back from my partner but after reading about and finding out his love language.. I make an effort to show him my appreciation, love, ect through means he associates with love and acknowledgement. I guess it's all about comprimising and both parties making an effort to use the others love language in many of these situations.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

I think to express love by using a love language that doesn’t come naturally is a bit like a toddler learning to walk. We’re sort of all fingers and thumbs or have two left feet. But if the will is there to love your spouse in the way that makes them actually feel loved then I sincerely believe that’s one of the biggest gifts a spouse can give their loved one.

Otherwise they can be a bit like two ships passing in the night. Both loving each other but neither actually feeling loved. I think that’s very sad.


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

AFEH said:


> I think to express love by using a love language that doesn’t come naturally is a bit like a toddler learning to walk. We’re sort of all fingers and thumbs or have two left feet. But if the will is there to love your spouse in the way that makes them actually feel loved then I sincerely believe that’s one of the biggest gifts a spouse can give their loved one.
> 
> Otherwise they can be a bit like two ships passing in the night. Both loving each other but neither actually feeling loved. I think that’s very sad.


I agree with what you said, and maybe my original post came off wrong. I have totally reaffirmed my love for my husband in many ways, he has acknowledged this, but during that time he was very distant and I brought it up, it made me insecure, etc... well fast forward and we are working on things but he says I don't acknowledge or reassure him or keep the things he does do on the front of my mind before I feel like we are back tracking. (I am the type of person who desires constant progress, and I am a leader so I do motivate) I thought the things I was doing were reassuring him, getting more creative in bed, telling him and showing him with more affection how much I love him. Getting back to dating him again and treating him like my boyfriend and flirting, etc... but I guess he wants more. So I reaffirmed it with words the other night. We did that love language thing and it was fairly evenly split down the middle he doesn't have one that sticks out as more prominent then the others... which maybe complicates our situation? I don't know. But he does feel my love, he did say that, he says I don't feel his efforts to show he loves me. (They have changed over the last year in major ways and are not as obvious or prominent but he is working on it) and so he says I need to be more acknowledging of the things he does do. I started to think about it and found things that I do appreciate that maybe I hadn't stated or whatever, but was wondering if there were maybe other creative ways to show it, tell it, let him know and give him the reassurance that I feel his efforts. :scratchhead:


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

It sounds like he’s resentful. Have you ever experienced resentment? I didn’t until I was 60. It can be exceedingly deep and strong feelings of dislike and anger for another person. With a total inability to forgive, even if you wanted to!

Resentment is like a secretive thing. We don’t want to tell the person we’re resentful because that kind of opens us up for more hurt, for example if they’re dismissive of what we’re resentful about.

So the barriers/boundaries go up by way of self protection.

I think resentment is like a curse on the marriage. And as such it needs exorcising, to remove the bad effects of a frightening or upsetting event. But to remove resentment is a process. It needs honest and open communication and therefore vulnerability. It needs understanding and agreement of what happened and why and it needs apologies and forgiveness.

If he is resentful until it’s exorcised you wont see the love come back into your marriage. Resentment holds love at bay and prevents it from blossoming. 

But most people haven’t a clue even how to make an effective, heartfelt and restorative apology!

If he is resentful he’ll also be passive aggressive, those things walk hand in hand and both are exceedingly toxic. You might want to go along to MC and see if you can bring it out there.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

A simple thanks and a lot of affection. I dont really even need the thanks. but I exist for her affection.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

I think the fact that you try not to criticize as much as before is key

Throw in some sex and I'd say you have the perfect recipe for re-connecting!


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Stonewall said:


> I exist for her affection.


What a classic comment .....Love that. 

Validating our spouse is so very important also... http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/39565-validating-your-spouse.html



> *AFEH said*: But most people haven’t a clue even how to make an effective, heartfelt and restorative apology.


 Is he seeking for some sort of heartfelt apology from the past, was you taking him for granted & he built up some resentment...? This happened in my marriage...when I finally got a hold on what I did to my husband ...just being too busy with the kids.. after much digging on my part to how he felt ....and listening very very closely, I cried. I went out of my way to make it all up to him. He was very forgiving... any resentment he had has been washed away. 

Generally men care more about our* Respect *than our Love even... a good book to explain that here >> Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs : Books 

Never read this, but I bet it is outstanding, those reviews sure speak. 

Always practice Gratitude towards our spouses daily & what they bring to our lives, taking the time to smell the roses with them, always communicating, deeply listening ...putting forth that effort to lavish their particular love languages on them... this should bring a wealth of marital blessings.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

livelaughlovenow said:


> I'm not 100% sure how to do that
> Any tips?


Get control of your thoughts. Avoid dwelling on the negative, quit complaining about him to your friends and family, don't hang around with women who complain and dis their husbands and don't sympathize with them. Don't question your marriage (at all).

Far too many women fill their minds day in and day out with negative thoughts toward their partners. There is so much opportunity, so much female camaraderie around this, so many media messages promoting self aggrandizement through putting down the opposite sex that almost everyone does it without even thinking.

If you swear off negative thinking and negative input you will find that in a couple weeks true positive demeanor will start taking over without any additional effort


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## GhostRydr (Jun 2, 2012)

Nothing made me happier then when I would do something without being asked to, ie, mow the lawn, do the dishes, sweep, etc and have my wife lead me to the bedroom and say she wanted to thank me for being a good boy by giving me a bj.

I didnt always expect it, but she knew what rang my bell...

If more women did that they could have their very own Pavlov's Dog on their hands. :smthumbup:


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Today as I was leaving home for an important meeting, wifey calls me back into the door,she has a curious, mischievous look in her eyes.
She put her arms around my neck ,looks me in the eye and said 
" you LOOK and smell GOOD." Of course we kissed and fooled around a bit!
But that just made my day!!!!
Because that " comment" was actually and acknowledgement for Saturday and Saturday night. [ " Dirty" weekend fun].
Needless to say, I arrived at the meeting late.[Lawyers at a firm, but who cares! ]
Spent much of the meeting texting back and forth......
I think she finally figuring me out, I am a bit narcissistic and also impulsive. I am accustomed getting complements on the outside,but to, me hers matter most and always hit the right spot.

Most times I prefer verbal acknowledgement.


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## Blue Moon (Sep 7, 2009)

lamaga said:


> Hmmm. I don't know...he just knows. I give him constant affection, and constant sex and blowjobs. I know that's very situational, and not always doable in all relationships.


Do this, and often. Men want to feel like men, and the way to make him feel like a man is to swallow your pride (not saying you're prideful, just saying) put him above you and show him he's "the man." 

This means ego strokes, BJ's and anything that is giving and letting him know that you're glad you have him. This is how we feel appreciated.


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## Paulination (Feb 6, 2012)

I've been working non-stop to make changes to improve my marriage for 5 1/2 months straight and I get nothing so at this point, an "atta boy" and a pat on the back would feel nice.

Bravo to you for noticing and taking the time to ponder this.


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## Crazy8 (Jun 1, 2012)

livelaughlovenow said:


> Guys, how do you prefer your wife acknowledge the little things you do? Verbally, tit for tat, sexually? Just curious, one of the things I am working on in my marriage is acknowledging the efforts my husband is making in our marriage, and reassuring him it is not in vain, and I'm not 100% sure how to do that... sounds crazy, but just saying thank you is not enough. He says he is so happy because I have changed so much in good ways, I am the one wanting him to change now, and he is making efforts, although slow and steady and made a comment yesterday that I need to truly acknowledge and give him credit for what he does do, instead of being stuck on what he had done wrong... so I have been thinking and this is something I want to work on. I also want to make it a habit so that it is automatic and I don't take advantage of the little things ever again! KWIM? Any tips?


Love this!

This is where my wife and I are struggling. Actually I'm struggling with it. My wife is fine with it. I feel like I do so much, and I don't feel like the way I'm treated jives with how much I do for her. In short, I feel unappreciated. 

Do this. Tell him you admire him and you appreciate all that he does. Then, every now and then, show him. Even joke with him. If he does the dishes, instead of saying "thank you", you should be like "I so want you right now!". All guys have pretty big egos. A lot of times women just crush men's egos by not noticing us, or not appreciating us, or not really looking at us. We all want to feel like studs, kings, and admired. I'm telling you, that goes a LONG way.

Guys aren't complicated. You women are the complicated ones. I think you all over-think things. Guys really are simple.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Got this out of MC because it was an issue with us.....
We say “I appreciate that you _______”. It is a direct acknowledgment that you really did notice and liked whatever it is. Stay consistent. What we noticed it did was had us looking for the positive instead of the negative. And, we both started trying harder to earn the comment.

The subtle stuff is just too easily misinterpreted.

edit:
Oh, and a clarification; Mistakes have been made here over the last twenty years with my wife...

Tat for tat was bad; That became the exchange policy. It resulted in resentment if I did something and she didn’t (and visa-versa). Expectations and covert contracts (unstated exchanges) resulted.

And sex as a reward. A really bad one. I expected sex after taking on a large task. When it didn’t happen for whatever reason, it made me angry. Eventually led to passive/aggressive for me and pressuring for sex... I’m sure that made her wet... 

Just be direct.


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## Zippy the chimp (May 15, 2012)

I have to agree a thank you is not always enough, sometimes a physical show of appreciation goes along way. My wife and I are also learning the love languages very interesting, I have always done acts of service for her coffee every morning, special meals (when she is dieting, little gifts or little things her favorite candy for instance) and she told me that she just took those things for granted probably because her language is words of affection, so while I thought I was doing good things for her it was missing the mark. What is your husbands language most are physical, but little gifts (wife left me an energy drink in frig today) or even instead of just a thank you a hug look into his eyes and tell him how much you appreciate his efforts. Works for me but don't forget the bj's always a fan favorite.


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

Many of you mentioned Bj's but see lately we have had an issue with my drive being higher than his and my extra efforts to please him (I tried to do that) were met with a mixed reaction. He said not all the time, he liked it better when it was a surprise treat. So that is a no go... physical affection he used to be all over and lately that just goes unnoticed for the most part because he thinks I want it to turn into something else when I really just want closeness (an entirely different issue).... which is why I asked what else do I do besides just saying thank you. lol. I have went back and read through the responses more than once this is actually my third attempt at a response. I have been taking one key advice from all of them, trying to get negative thoughts out of my head... (that is a hard one and probably again the topic for another discussion). Thank you all for your input. I have been trying to be more creative in my ways of showing appreciation and gratitude for the efforts he does make.


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