# How to Connect with Hubby Again?



## allican (Oct 29, 2012)

I need your help and guidance on how I can connnect back with my Hubby.

We are in marriage relationship for more than 10 years. In this 10 years, I had 3 affairs which has completely destroyed my marriage. 

Now that I have realized it, I want to fix my marriage with my husband. I have no connection with my affair partners since last 2 years and working on rebuilding my marriage with my spouse.

The guilt and shame has overruled me so much that I am loosing connection with my own self and not able to connect with my hubby. I love him but not sure how to revive those feelings that I had for him during our courtship.

I want this marriage to work for us. I do not want him to leave me and our 5 year old daughter. I know I have messed up big time but now will like to do anything to revive our relationship.

I appreciate your advice and guidance on this.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

I think you should go into individiual counseling and figure out why on earth you would have 3 affairs in a 10 year marriage.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

Hicks said:


> I think you should go into individiual counseling and figure out why on earth you would have 3 affairs in a 10 year marriage.


Husband should be in counseling too.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

He knows?

What has he said over the past 2 years?

Is the daughter his? (If you are SURE, get a DNA test. If you aren't...you're sh*t out of luck...)

IMO, this is the wrong question. The question is why should he want to connect with YOU!

This wasn't said to be mean. I mean the reason you aren't connecting is he (may) see you as a sunk cost. Years and cash thrown away so you can be a slvt for someone else. What exactly is in it for him?

That he hasn't walked is amazing. How does he act? What is his rationalization for NOT walking?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Does your husband know about the affairs?


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

allican said:


> I need your help and guidance on how I can connnect back with my Hubby.
> 
> We are in marriage relationship for more than 10 years. In this 10 years, I had 3 affairs which has completely destroyed my marriage.
> 
> ...


Do yourself and your husband a favour and end the marriage.

If you really love him, you'll come back together - but I doubt it.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

What caused you to have 3 affairs? Where they physical/emotional affairs?


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## allican (Oct 29, 2012)

Thanks everyone for your input. 

I am not looking for ending this marriage. I am looking for ways to connect back. Yes, we had love between us when we started our marriage 10 years back but in day to day life it got transferred into blame, arguments, hatred...

I know I became emotionally unavailable to him and seeked pleasure outside of marriage. I should have stayed strong and asked for more attention and love.

My affairs are over since last 2 years and now only thing I am doing is to connect back with him. I have been to counsellor also to understand what was driving me to cheat on him. I have not got the answer yet.

Regarding my daughter, that is our daughter as I had become pregnant after ending my 2 affairs. I know any of my apologies have no meaning but I would still try till I can to save this relationship.

I appreciate your advice and suggestions.


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

We are asking for a little more information from you:

Does your husband know about the affairs?


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## allican (Oct 29, 2012)

Yes, he knows about my affairs. He caught me red handed during my last affair and it took almost 3 months for me after that discivery to tell about all my affairs pre and post marriage. I opened up to him completely.

Yes, the shame and guilt is killing me everyday since then but i understand he is also hurt. I am the one who messed it so now i need to fix it. 

I have been trying staying positive since last 2 years to make things work. I know it takes time and i will wait. 

I need to know how to convince my husband on staying in this marriage and start reconciliation.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Has he given any evidence that he's going to walk or is this more a matter of trying a new way to 'fix' things?

You haven't mentioned what he has done or said in the last two years.


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

Have you guys gone to MC? It might sound horrible, but not everything can be fixed. And a lot of men have a hard time forgiving their WWs. You have to realize that not only did he catch you in an affair, but it then took you three months to tell him about the others. You basically informed him that the marriage was a complete sham.

As a BS, we reserve the right to leave the marriage at any time we want to. You need to sit down with your husband and ask what HE needs from you. The days of you wanting and being selfish must end here and now.

Can you please elaborate on what else went down after you Dday?


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Number one, I don't think you can regain the same feelings you had during courtship. When things are new in a relationship you can't expect that type of feeling to remain.

Life gets in the way and feelings evolve into a different but stronger type of love. Far too many people think that being "in love" or having a connection means feeling the same way they did when they first hooked up. That is not reality.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

I hope you both are in MC, Remember you killed the marriage. If you R it will be building a new relationship and a new marriage. As far as connecting are you living under the same roof? are you having sex? are you doing everything you can to show him you are being faithful?

The big question do you want to fix the marriage for the daughter sake? or for yours?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

your husband loving you back will take some more time. Atleast 5 more years. you need to be in this process for the long haul


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

allican said:


> I need your help and guidance on how I can connnect back with my Hubby.
> 
> We are in marriage relationship for more than 10 years. In this 10 years, I had 3 affairs which has completely destroyed my marriage.
> 
> ...


Does your BH know about the affairs?

How did BH find out?

Do you work with any OM or live near any OM?

Get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley. It will guide you through recovery and restoring feelings for BH.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

If he hasn't come around after 2 years he's probably done and only in it for the kid(s). He still might come around eventually but I wouldn't hold my breath waiting for it.

Might be time for a sit down and just get everything out there and see where that will take the both of you.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

cheatinghubby said:


> If he hasn't come around after 2 years he's probably done and only in it for the kid(s). He still might come around eventually but I wouldn't hold my breath waiting for it.
> 
> Might be time for a sit down and just get everything out there and see where that will take the both of you.


I dunno. Ask Wazza. He took a while.

But he doesn't seem to be WALKING.


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

I think this is the same poster who had a thread about the same subject earlier. They are both from India and live in Britain, one Christian, the other Sikh? Am I right?


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

If this is the same person, then her husband completely shut-down from life, he doesn't want to work anymore, he doesn't want to go to counseling, he reads a lot and wants to stay at home, reclusive. (He wasn't that way before D-Day.)

Also, when she tells him to get a job, his response is kick me out.

I believe he needs to get a grip on himself and start making the hard choices.

T


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Tony55 said:


> I think this is the same poster who had a thread about the same subject earlier. They are both from India and live in Britain, one Christian, the other Sikh? Am I right?





Tony55 said:


> If this is the same person, then her husband completely shut-down from life, he doesn't want to work anymore, he doesn't want to go to counseling, he reads a lot and wants to stay at home, reclusive. (He wasn't that way before D-Day.)
> 
> Also, when she tells him to get a job, his response is kick me out.
> 
> ...


I suspected the same about the posters, even taking two seconds to look for an anagram. The names are similar.

However the English is slightly better here. Either she found an editor (not that her English was bad at all) or she's proof reading her prose.

That being said: if he isn't walking, he's staying.

It's like a power cord: there is no electricity if the holes are closed (to reverse things a bit)

HE is closed from the sounds of it. (and this applies in America, Britain or India)

So the trick is to make him WANT to connect. For you to be worth connecting to!

Easy to say and a cliche of sorts, but there you are.

As stated on many other threads, there should NEVER be any doubt in his mind where you are or who you are seeing.

There should be no doubt in his mind about the parentage of his child. He needs to feel ownership of her.

Whatever you are doing now isn't working. Now, if you are already being a Stepford Wife, then you should stop doing what you are doing and let him make some choices instead of cruising in neutral.

If you are just biding your time on edge, you should show him some anger and sadness about what you did to the family. And even a bit of anger at him. Get him to make a choice!

Best I can do.


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

allican said:


> I need your help and guidance on how I can connnect back with my Hubby.
> 
> We are in marriage relationship for more than 10 years. In this 10 years, I had 3 affairs which has completely destroyed my marriage.
> 
> ...


Dear allican,

I recently provided a response to another WW who is in a similar position as you. Your can see it at:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/58408-hurt-betrayed-3.html#post1165715

I hope you find it of some help.


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

The other thread was titled,_ "Husband gave up on me after my affair"_. That thread is now gone.


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## allican (Oct 29, 2012)

Hello Everyone,

I read the thread related to linima. My story is similar to that. I do not agree with Divorce as a solution to this problem.

I am also not looking for old feelings. I just want our life to become little normal. I know my hubby has given on himself but i would like to know how that would help him or us in our life ahead. I know some of you might think that i am not feeling for him. I do care a lot and that is why want him to start moving with his life. 

Last two years has been miserable for both of us. It is really tough especially when a person who already has low self esteem, insecurty, fearful. I fight everyday to stay positive and inject some positivity in him. Sometime i get success but sometime sarcasm.

I am completely lost and don't know how to get courage to move from one day to another. I don't know how to help him to get started again.

Please help me.


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## JustGrinding (Oct 26, 2012)

linimo, you got page after page of information and advice the last time you posted your sordid story of repeated adultery.

You messed up your marriage. There are no easy answers and starting a new thread looking for a miracle fix won't do any good.


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## JustGrinding (Oct 26, 2012)

allican said:


> Hello Everyone,
> 
> I read the thread related to linima. My story is similar to that. I do not agree with Divorce as a solution to this problem.
> 
> ...


If you are not linima, just take the time to read her thread. Everything there pertains to you.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

OP claims already read that thread.


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