# need some help



## father&husband1 (Jun 16, 2021)

Hi, I am looking for advice or perspective mainly from women or men who have been through similar, 

I am happily married and with my partner over 13 years now(married 2).

I recently discovered my wife has been watching porn for a good number of years (over 4 that I know of) which she had kept quiet about and I had previously asked what she like and tried to understand what she likes etc. Wanting to spice up our sex life.
I found out she fantasise about interracial threesomes for long time and interracial sex, about 90% of the time. I have always known she finds black men good looking and that was never a secret that's just her preference and is not an issue just like I fancy certain types of women, made no difference to me.(we are both white btw)
All her porn history is interracial threesome, group, wife swap, swinger, BBC white wife, ****ing while husband is at work type thing etc.

I have confronted her about it and initially was defensive saying it doesn't matter about the man and I didn't want to say to you incase it hurt my feelings. 
My issue is I have always asked her what she likes and what her fantasies are and she always said she doesn't have any. I have always expressed what I'd like from sex but she never showed any interest in pleasuring me.
I told her I was mainly upset that she never expressed her interests with me and I felt a little inadequate because I could not fulfill her fantasy of a black man having sex with her.
I was initially shocked and didn't know what to think at it first but I have expressed my excitement in us exploring new things together and I totally accept that everyone has fantasies and its normal to have thease.
I am completely fine with Wanting to roll play some of her fantasies with her but I don't really know how to go about it?
She has expressed she does not want any of that to play out in real life and I don't want to have a threesome either,
We are both in a good place after bringing this up with her but I feel she is still too self conscious to open up more.

Any tips?


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

from what you posted I think she is initial to her secret garden , she does not want to become a hotwife she might not want to try out what she sees on porn , many men use porn in the same way and that does not say they want to do the local school teacher , 
I would keep the lines open so you can find out where she is with her porn and if she is happy watching it with you or if it is something she does to help get off , for all you know she might not look at much of this porn when she logs on , 
we can find that someone looked at say the housewife and the black post man , but she might only have relay looked at the first 10 min of it got off and turned it off 

now is she thinking of what she saw in porn when in bed with you , that is another thing , normally i think porn is not a good thing as it gives many the idea that what they see is how sex should be like, did you ask her if a black guy came to fix the washing machine , would she be able to keep control even if he tried to seduce her


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## aaarghdub (Jul 15, 2017)

Carnal desires are deeply engrained and we’re usually there before our partner and will be if a couple breaks up. Love is a choice but attraction isn’t necessarily. 

Sounds like she is ashamed she got caught and I agree the bigger issue is withholding that intimacy WRT to dodging the “likes” question “because she’s doesn’t want to hurt you.” It’s actually a huge vulnerability thing for you.

Only suggestion I would have is to encourage her talk about it more. Is it the excitement of something new? Is it a penis-size thing? Is it a double penetration-thing? It’s OK to have a fetish but not deny you have one. Maybe the closest she could get would be VR googles and some toys?


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

people can talk about their fantasies but hold back what they hold as something they think others would not get or understand , we have other posters here that can't come to talk with their wife about the simple things in fear of they running a mile , many can have even a fetish and not think of it as one , 

our fetish and fantasies are deeply berried and we often don't want to talk to anyone about them


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## father&husband1 (Jun 16, 2021)

aaarghdub said:


> Carnal desires are deeply engrained and we’re usually there before our partner and will be if a couple breaks up. Love is a choice but attraction isn’t necessarily.
> 
> Sounds like she is ashamed she got caught and I agree the bigger issue is withholding that intimacy WRT to dodging the “likes” question “because she’s doesn’t want to hurt you.” It’s actually a huge vulnerability thing for you.
> 
> ...


It is a vulnerable thing to come out and ask her knowing I might not get the answer I want to hear but I understand that the answer I want to hear is more than likely never the case, I just wanted to explore our sexual desires more but lying and withholding that hurt the most.
I'm not going to hold that against her that she didn't tell me first but I do want her to tell me her fantasies and desires from her as I actually get a lot of satisfaction from pleasuring her and living in to her fantasy. 
We have some toys, I asked would she like a dildo but said no, she has a vibrator and I recently bought her a sex toy kit with other vibrating stuff and that in it and she likes it. 
I was thinking of rolplay that I'm a guy that wants to **** her while her husband is away. We have a night in a hotel away next weekend I was gonna suggest doing something like that to spice her up.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Simply put, the two of you will need to sit down and determine if this fantasy is to stay just that, 
yes many do just what you say we tried it once and my wife liked it but i did not get anything extra from it except seeing her enjoy something different


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## father&husband1 (Jun 16, 2021)

frenchpaddy said:


> people can talk about their fantasies but hold back what they hold as something they think others would not get or understand , we have other posters here that can't come to talk with their wife about the simple things in fear of they running a mile , many can have even a fetish and not think of it as one ,
> 
> our fetish and fantasies are deeply berried and we often don't want to talk to anyone about them


Ya thats pretty much exactly what I feel she is. 
Maybe she doesn't want to ever talk about it. I do understand it is a very vulnerable position to put yourself in, and I have always told her I don't ever judge her for whatever she feels or wants, we don't have control over that even though society says we should. I just want to explore more with our sex life as I feel its become mundane and I feel she feels the same way. 
She has shown excitement about exploring more now, it's just kick-starting it that I am struggling to do. Obviously I've never been in this position before and Don't know where to start.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

father&husband1 said:


> Ya thats pretty much exactly what I feel she is.
> Maybe she doesn't want to ever talk about it. I do understand it is a very vulnerable position to put yourself in, and I have always told her I don't ever judge her for whatever she feels or wants, we don't have control over that even though society says we should. I just want to explore more with our sex life as I feel its become mundane and I feel she feels the same way.
> She has shown excitement about exploring more now, it's just kick-starting it that I am struggling to do. Obviously I've never been in this position before and Don't know where to start.


You mentioned that you have expressed what you desire but she has no interest in pleasuring you. What does that mean exactly?


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## father&husband1 (Jun 16, 2021)

frenchpaddy said:


> from what you posted I think she is initial to her secret garden , she does not want to become a hotwife she might not want to try out what she sees on porn , many men use porn in the same way and that does not say they want to do the local school teacher ,
> I would keep the lines open so you can find out where she is with her porn and if she is happy watching it with you or if it is something she does to help get off , for all you know she might not look at much of this porn when she logs on ,
> we can find that someone looked at say the housewife and the black post man , but she might only have relay looked at the first 10 min of it got off and turned it off
> 
> now is she thinking of what she saw in porn when in bed with you , that is another thing , normally i think porn is not a good thing as it gives many the idea that what they see is how sex should be like, did you ask her if a black guy came to fix the washing machine , would she be able to keep control even if he tried to seduce her


My understanding is she watches it to just get off ya.
I would say she has fantasised a out it being a black man that is riding her while I have sex with her, that's not really an issue as long as that's all she ever does. I want to feel wanted too.
But as for would she be able to hold back if a black man came on to her, I dont have any doubts about her self control no. We do both love each other and know each other very deeply with our ethics and morals. I have never cheated or would want to cheat. Ya the thoughts of being in bed with someone else have popped in to my head before naturally and I'm sure she has too but that's as far as I believe it would ever go. We both are very committed to being faithful to each other and have a beautiful family together. Apart from this issue all else is good in our lives.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

father&husband1 said:


> I totally accept that everyone has fantasies and its normal to have thease.


Yes. This is correct. But porn is one of the more insidious fantasies, because it's plots and vignettes can actually be done in real-life.
Nobody over the age of 5 puts on a red cape and jumps off a building. However, many logically and rationally choose to learn to fly an airplane.

Fantasies, when used correctly, with logic, in our minds, can progenerate worthwhile and rewarding activity.

Your wife has chosen to not try the "red S" thing......however, she has not gone to any local airports..... that's where she's "missing the boat" 



father&husband1 said:


> I didn't want to say to you incase it hurt my feelings.


Ah. There it is. Trickle truth. The TRUTH is, she knows DAMN WELL that it will hurt your feelings, and her guilt is deserved, because she has not lived up
to her wedding vows.



aaarghdub said:


> It’s actually a huge vulnerability thing for you.


Yes, and your wife knows that. It is for all of us. It is why "thou shalt not commit adultery" is written in the Book twice.

She needs to decide that she will not be a cheater. She needs to learn to extend fantasy suite into her husband's bedroom. Porn is easy. That's why people use it.


But, as most things in life, and ALL good things, they aren't easy.


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## father&husband1 (Jun 16, 2021)

Torninhalf said:


> You mentioned that you have expressed what you desire but she has no interest in pleasuring you. What does that mean exactly?


As in sexual acts, bj, different positions, different places, anything to spice things up


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

father&husband1 said:


> As in sexual acts, bj, different positions, different places, anything to spice things up


So she isn’t into those things?


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## father&husband1 (Jun 16, 2021)

Torninhalf said:


> So she isn’t into those things?


She hasn't blatantly said no, just her insecurities come up, as for bj and different positions she says she doesn't know how or doesn't think she is any good.
Places she just shys away from as if its a bad thing, I don't get defensive over it and try to encourage her making it exciting.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

father&husband1 said:


> She hasn't blatantly said no, just her insecurities come up, as for bj and different positions she says she doesn't know how or doesn't think she is any good.
> Places she just shys away from as if its a bad thing, I don't get defensive over it and try to encourage her making it exciting.


You have been with her for 13 years…has oral sex and different positions always been off the table?


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

she is a good girl at hart and more than likely shy , you know there is no real sex ed in our schools and most people use porn as sex ed which it is not , she just has this wild side that is a trill nothing to worry about , now on the second subject what you want , there are some good cd sex ed that you can find on the internet , I think amazon have them look them up together don't have her finding that your looking up things and think your not happy with her , you can find some good videos on youtube but it takes a lot of looking around to find any thing good


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I wish she would take her focus off other men in porn and start putting it on to you and your sex life together. 
In life we can choose to feed things or not. She is choosing to feed her fantasies about having sex with a black guy by going into porn and masturbating instead of feeding her marriage and your sex life together.


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## father&husband1 (Jun 16, 2021)

Torninhalf said:


> You have been with her for 13 years…has oral sex and different positions always been off the table?


Not really no, she has tried oral twice before many years ago and I brought it up before about it, after I confronted her she did say she was going to again so she knows I like it and has done it before. I explained that I don't directly get pleasured by doing oral on her but I do get satisfaction out of pleasuring her.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

father&husband1 said:


> Not really no, she has tried oral twice before many years ago and I brought it up before about it, after I confronted her she did say she was going to again so she knows I like it and has done it before. I explained that I don't directly get pleasured by doing oral on her but I do get satisfaction out of pleasuring her.


So in 13 years she has only performed oral on you twice? Am I reading that wrong?


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## father&husband1 (Jun 16, 2021)

frenchpaddy said:


> she is a good girl at hart and more than likely shy , you know there is no real sex ed in our schools and most people use porn as sex ed which it is not , she just has this wild side that is a trill nothing to worry about , now on the second subject what you want , there are some good cd sex ed that you can find on the internet , I think amazon have them look them up together don't have her finding that your looking up things and think your not happy with her , you can find some good videos on youtube but it takes a lot of looking around to find any thing good


Thanks for that, she really is an amazing woman and I appreciate her a lot. Its more trying to get her comfortable to talk about what she wants out of our sex life and ways we can grow together in it. That excites me. 
Don't get me wrong she does want to too, she has said that, she just doesn't know how to go about it. In this country we were grown up very Catholic and as you said sex Ed and exploration was not a good thing in society so I do understand her reluctance


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## father&husband1 (Jun 16, 2021)

Torninhalf said:


> So in 13 years she has only performed oral on you twice? Am I reading that wrong?


Correct yes


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

father&husband1 said:


> Correct yes


Wow. Is it something you would like? I’m confused as to why that issue has not been addressed a decade ago.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

father&husband1 said:


> Thanks for that, she really is an amazing woman and I appreciate her a lot. Its more trying to get her comfortable to talk about what she wants out of our sex life and ways we can grow together in it. That excites me.
> Don't get me wrong she does want to too, she has said that, she just doesn't know how to go about it. In this country we were grown up very Catholic and as you said sex Ed and exploration was not a good thing in society so I do understand her reluctance


 I know what your talking about I escaped and happy i did


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## father&husband1 (Jun 16, 2021)

Torninhalf said:


> Wow. Is it something you would like? I’m confused as to why that issue has not been addressed a decade ago.


Yes it is one of my top things I would like. She knows that and I have asked many times. I could never get a straight answer off her, its either I don't know how, or never really gave an answer, I don't know is she grossed out by it or what


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

The fact that she hides her porn use is really no big surprise. Most people are embarrassed to admit it. In anonymous surveys well over 90% of men and between 20%-50% of women say they use porn on at least an occasional basis. You won't get anywhere near that number if you ask people directly. So again, I wouldn't get too upset that she didn't tell you outright. Now, if she is using porn instead of having sex with you, that is a problem. It means she likely has a porn addiction and may or may not be able to deal with it on her own. 

As for her choice of porn, I wouldn't read into that too much either. I do watch porn at times, and I find the cheating wife/wife swap/ threesomes to be "stimulating", but I will never, ever do anything like that in real life. It is just a fantasy. Half of what you see in porn really wouldn't be much fun in real life. It is all staged to be as stimulating as possible for the viewer with little regard to the pleasure of the performers. You are watching a highly cut and choregraphed performance. 

You might want to try a useful sex interest quiz that is on the web. I just posted this in another thread yesterday. It is hosted by a porn site, but it is covered in the main stream press. You can find it in this Men's Health article.









YouPorn Is Helping Couples Discover Their Shared Kinks


Maybe you both want to try bondage, but don't know it yet.




www.menshealth.com





You each take the test separately. For each activity, that runs the gamut from tame to over the top, you answer no/yes/maybe if partner is interested. It then shows you are the activities you have in common and exclude those that one or neither has any interest in. So, it gives you some common ground to start working with.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

father&husband1 said:


> Yes it is one of my top things I would like. She knows that and I have asked many times. I could never get a straight answer off her, its either I don't know how, or never really gave an answer, I don't know is she grossed out by it or what


My wife is not fond of giving a BJ. She will do it when we are hot and heavy, but she won't just do it for the sake of doing it. There are some products out there that make you taste better. That could help. I've also seen someone else here say that there wife was not interested in giving BJs, then he had her try it while wearing a condom and now she does it all the time. That may not be your ideal BJ, but it could be a compromise. 

This web site has a lot of good articles about communicating and improving married sex life. It is well worth the time to look around. 








Uncovering Intimacy


A safe community discussing intimacy in all forms within the context of Christian marriages. Don't see an article on what you are looking for? Ask your own question anonymously.




www.uncoveringintimacy.com





This has a small cost, but I've used them. Lots of good questions to get a conversation going.








37 Sex Questions for spouses to ask each other - Uncovering Intimacy


Looking for a way to boost your physical intimacy in marriage? Here is a two page pdf with 37 sex questions for spouses to ask each other.




www.uncoveringintimacy.com


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

father&husband1 said:


> Yes it is one of my top things I would like. She knows that and I have asked many times. I could never get a straight answer off her, its either I don't know how, or never really gave an answer, I don't know is she grossed out by it or what


I’m going to be blunt. It really isn’t as complicated as splitting the atom. If she watches porn I am sure she has seen it done many, many times. She must have an aversion to it.
Do you perform oral on her as a regular part of your sex life?


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## father&husband1 (Jun 16, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> The fact that she hides her porn use is really no big surprise. Most people are embarrassed to admit it. In anonymous surveys well over 90% of men and between 20%-50% of women say they use porn on at least an occasional basis. You won't get anywhere near that number if you ask people directly. So again, I wouldn't get too upset that she didn't tell you outright. Now, if she is using porn instead of having sex with you, that is a problem. It means she likely has a porn addiction and may or may not be able to deal with it on her own.
> 
> As for her choice of porn, I wouldn't read into that too much either. I do watch porn at times, and I find the cheating wife/wife swap/ threesomes to be "stimulating", but I will never, ever do anything like that in real life. It is just a fantasy. Half of what you see in porn really wouldn't be much fun in real life. It is all staged to be as stimulating as possible for the viewer with little regard to the pleasure of the performers. You are watching a highly cut and choregraphed performance.
> 
> ...


Thank you for that reply, no she does have sex with me, and she does initiate now too, we have gone through bad patches before but have improved a lot since. And as for what she like to watch, ya I have no problem, I was just taken back that she actually liked watching it was all. Other than that I have no issue with her continuing to watch the type of porn she does, just on the basis she communicates with me what she wants.

That looks like a very handy tool to use together I never knew that was out there I will certainly bring that up to her attention and see if she wants to do it thank you


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> The fact that she hides her porn use is really no big surprise. Most people are embarrassed to admit it. In anonymous surveys well over 90% of men and between 20%-50% of women say they use porn on at least an occasional basis. You won't get anywhere near that number if you ask people directly. So again, I wouldn't get too upset that she didn't tell you outright. Now, if she is using porn instead of having sex with you, that is a problem. It means she likely has a porn addiction and may or may not be able to deal with it on her own.
> 
> As for her choice of porn, I wouldn't read into that too much either. I do watch porn at times, and I find the cheating wife/wife swap/ threesomes to be "stimulating", but I will never, ever do anything like that in real life. It is just a fantasy. Half of what you see in porn really wouldn't be much fun in real life. It is all staged to be as stimulating as possible for the viewer with little regard to the pleasure of the performers. You are watching a highly cut and choregraphed performance.
> 
> ...


 i love the way you have a link of everything , I came here with the idea of helping others with my experience and find you helping me with some very interesting links


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## father&husband1 (Jun 16, 2021)

Torninhalf said:


> I’m going to be blunt. It really isn’t as complicated as splitting the atom. If she watches porn I am sure she has seen it done many, many times. She must have an aversion to it.
> Do you perform oral on her as a regular part of your sex life?


No and that was my response recently talking to her, I said you told mebefore you didn't know how but you seen plenty of it in the porn videos. I was being resentful I was just showing I was annoyed she lied why.
Yes I do perform it regularly, I've often been stopped as she doesn't feel confident about her own body sometimes, but she does really enjoy it when it does happen


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## father&husband1 (Jun 16, 2021)

Torninhalf said:


> I’m going to be blunt. It really isn’t as complicated as splitting the atom. If she watches porn I am sure she has seen it done many, many times. She must have an aversion to it.
> Do you perform oral on her as a regular part of your sex life?


I should have made more clearer she is a shy person and self conscious. I'm just trying to get her to be more comfortable with herself and what she wants and can do


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

father&husband1 said:


> No and that was my response recently talking to her, I said you told mebefore you didn't know how but you seen plenty of it in the porn videos. I was being resentful I was just showing I was annoyed she lied why.
> Yes I do perform it regularly, I've often been stopped as she doesn't feel confident about her own body sometimes, but she does really enjoy it when it does happen


I don’t see it as being resentful, just honest. It does not have to be every time you have sex but to never have it on your plate is selfish IMO


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## father&husband1 (Jun 16, 2021)

Torninhalf said:


> I don’t see it as being resentful, just honest. It does not have to be every time you have sex but to never have it on your plate is selfish IMO


Sorry meant to say I wasn't being resentful lol just annoyed she lied.
Ya I said whatever we try and we like including me getting oral doesn't mean I want it or expect it every time we have sex, it can be something extra we do on a night away or if we're feeling extra frisky at home or whatever.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

best way I FOUND was to get her a pro photographer that would do a photo shoot with her , super good was of building a persons self-esteem i can even give you the name of someone that can be trusted but as far as i know he has not worked in over a year with covid and lockdown


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

father&husband1 said:


> No and that was my response recently talking to her, I said you told mebefore you didn't know how but you seen plenty of it in the porn videos. I was being resentful I was just showing I was annoyed she lied why.
> Yes I do perform it regularly, I've often been stopped as she doesn't feel confident about her own body sometimes, but she does really enjoy it when it does happen


Please resist the urge to be resentful, annoyed or make it out like she is the problem. I think that will only make things worse and she won't want to communicate with you for fear of being looked down on or scolded. It is a partnership of equals.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

father&husband1 said:


> Sorry meant to say I wasn't being resentful lol just annoyed she lied.
> Ya I said whatever we try and we like including me getting oral doesn't mean I want it or expect it every time we have sex, it can be something extra we do on a night away or if we're feeling extra frisky at home or whatever.


I kinda see it as a part of sexual relations. Not an add on for special times. I get that everyone is different. Finding out why she refuses is important I would think. As to different positions is she up for that or is it kinda one and done?


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

BigDaddyNY said:


> I've also seen someone else here say that there wife was not interested in giving BJs, then he had her try it while wearing a condom and now she does it all the time. That may not be your ideal BJ, but it could be a compromise.


That was me. Wife hated it.

I bought some Glyde flavored condoms and when she wasn’t up for PIV I suggested we try it out. Now that she wasn’t concerned about fluids I gave her some direction and damn. She goes for it like a porn star now and sometimes even too aggressive for me. I don’t stop her I just take the damage because it’s like watching a messed up PornHub clip play out (except for the condom).

I’d say she actually offers BJs more than I want now because generally unless I am really lazy or sore from working out I’d rather PIV.


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## father&husband1 (Jun 16, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Please resist the urge to be resentful, annoyed or make it out like she is the problem. I think that will only make things worse and she won't want to communicate with you for fear of being looked down on or scolded. It is a partnership of equals.


 absolutely not, like I said she is aware I am happy it is out in the open now and we are willing to explore. I told her I am only looking at the positive outcome of this.


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## father&husband1 (Jun 16, 2021)

ccpowerslave said:


> That was me. Wife hated it.
> 
> I bought some Glyde flavored condoms and when she wasn’t up for PIV I suggested we try it out. Now that she wasn’t concerned about fluids I gave her some direction and damn. She goes for it like a porn star now and sometimes even too aggressive for me. I don’t stop her I just take the damage because it’s like watching a messed up PornHub clip play out (except for the condom).
> 
> I’d say she actually offers BJs more than I want now because generally unless I am really lazy or sore from working out I’d rather PIV.


That might besomething worth bringing to her attention thanks. I was thinking of bringing up flavoured lube but we need to find out what exactly puts her off that we can try do something about it. Weither it be shave off all the hair, is it fluids she put off by or taste. Cheers for the tip 👍


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## father&husband1 (Jun 16, 2021)

Torninhalf said:


> I kinda see it as a part of sexual relations. Not an add on for special times. I get that everyone is different. Finding out why she refuses is important I would think. As to different positions is she up for that or is it kinda one and done?


Ya I need to ask her for an honest answer what puts her off it and see what can be done to help counter that. She always like it doggy. I like too, but I like when she is on top and I see her full front on me. she gets a bit insecure about it but actually offered to do it the other night after the confrontation about the porn so I think she might be willing to change her self conscious thoughts that way


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

I think a lot of people hold back fantasies if they think their partner will be grossed out or judgey or laugh. Perhaps she thinks you'll come to conclusions about it - like she would want to put it into practice if she could, whereas we really have no evidence that it's anything more than a fantasy. Think you got some great advice here about how you two can safely share things you might like to try together.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

falling all that tell her that you think her sister Mary might be better at the old bj thing , just you might have to run fast or she might bite lol🦴


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

father&husband1 said:


> Ya I need to ask her for an honest answer what puts her off it and see what can be done to help counter that. She always like it doggy. I like too, but I like when she is on top and I see her full front on me. she gets a bit insecure about it but actually offered to do it the other night after the confrontation about the porn so I think she might be willing to change her self conscious thoughts that way


Well that is a good step forward. 😁


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

father&husband1 said:


> That might besomething worth bringing to her attention thanks. I was thinking of bringing up flavoured lube but we need to find out what exactly puts her off that we can try do something about it. Weither it be shave off all the hair, is it fluids she put off by or taste. Cheers for the tip 👍


Yeah I tried that as well, didn’t fix her aversion to it. I liked it though haha.


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## father&husband1 (Jun 16, 2021)

frenchpaddy said:


> falling all that tell her that you think her sister Mary might be better at the old bj thing , just you might have to run fast or she might bite lol🦴


🤣🤣🤣👍👍


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Torninhalf said:


> So in 13 years she has only performed oral on you twice? Am I reading that wrong?


Wow. I’m sorry but the reality is that she’s just not into you sexually. The porn she fantasizes about is full of oral, she just doesn’t want to do it with you. And she isn’t in love with you enough to even bother. 
Why have you accepted such a sad sex life and so little effort and enthusiasm from her?


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

father&husband1 said:


> Yes it is one of my top things I would like. She knows that and I have asked many times. I could never get a straight answer off her, its either I don't know how, or never really gave an answer, I don't know is she grossed out by it or what


If she’s watching porn, she knows how. She just doesn’t want to and isn’t into you enough to try to please you.


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## overrnbw (Jun 16, 2021)

Let her have her fantasy. You should worry about you. 

Read about confidence, attraction, and seduction and let go of the stuff you can’t control as you are just wasting your time. 

Find your mojo and make yourself the fantasy


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

father&husband1 said:


> Hi, I am looking for advice or perspective mainly from women or men who have been through similar,
> 
> I am happily married and with my partner over 13 years now(married 2).
> 
> ...


Sometimes fantasies are just that. Not everyone wants to actually indulge in the fantasy. In fact that is a large portion of the population, although not necessarily the majority. May women fantasize about being with other women, but would never actually want to. Even men do it, be it being with another man, or being cuckolded, or even feminized. It's not something they would do, but they still have the fantasies. The rape fantasy is a prime example of such. No one wants to actually be raped, and for those that actually want to act it out, they still want the control and for their "rapist" to be someone they trust. I honestly wouldn't worry too much about the fantasies themselves. If I was in your place, I'd be more worried that she didn't trust you enough to share these fantasies with you, at least in expressing them when asked. It'd be one thing if she told you, but expressed that she wants to be alone when engaging in her porn watching. Sometimes you don't want to share something like that.


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## father&husband1 (Jun 16, 2021)

maquiscat said:


> Sometimes fantasies are just that. Not everyone wants to actually indulge in the fantasy. In fact that is a large portion of the population, although not necessarily the majority. May women fantasize about being with other women, but would never actually want to. Even men do it, be it being with another man, or being cuckolded, or even feminized. It's not something they would do, but they still have the fantasies. The rape fantasy is a prime example of such. No one wants to actually be raped, and for those that actually want to act it out, they still want the control and for their "rapist" to be someone they trust. I honestly wouldn't worry too much about the fantasies themselves. If I was in your place, I'd be more worried that she didn't trust you enough to share these fantasies with you, at least in expressing them when asked. It'd be one thing if she told you, but expressed that she wants to be alone when engaging in her porn watching. Sometimes you don't want to share something like that.


Thanks for that, ya I am accepting of her fantasies, I told her yesterday I am completely fine with whatever she fantasises about. Thats normal and I don't judge her for that at all. We all have them. The issue was more she felt she couldn't ever express that to me. I told her we can roll play some of them and I think she is up for that so I am excited about it. It does turn me on that she has fantasies and I am glad she does, whatever they may be.


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## father&husband1 (Jun 16, 2021)

overrnbw said:


> Let her have her fantasy. You should worry about you.
> 
> Read about confidence, attraction, and seduction and let go of the stuff you can’t control as you are just wasting your time.
> 
> Find your mojo and make yourself the fantasy


Ya that is an issue I believe I always had, I am very accepting person and always open minded but I probably do have some insecurities myself that I have been trying to manage, which this situation of her hiding it didn't help. But I can see now why and I accept why without letting my insecurities get the better of me which more than likely would have in the past.


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## father&husband1 (Jun 16, 2021)

DudeInProgress said:


> Wow. I’m sorry but the reality is that she’s just not into you sexually. The porn she fantasizes about is full of oral, she just doesn’t want to do it with you. And she isn’t in love with you enough to even bother.
> Why have you accepted such a sad sex life and so little effort and enthusiasm from her?


We do love each other and I do feel it. She does show effort and enthusiasm but she is a shy person to express her emotions sometimes. I know her 13 years and know her every little quirks, ways and insecurities, I have always known when she has something to hide even if ever so slightly. Just like she does with me. And we do have periods of good sex. I haven't always made her feel bad or complained to her about lack of oral, she knows I'd like it. She probably has her off puts about it and that's fine, some women do, just like some men don't like to give oral to women and that's fine. It's just trying to get her to open up about the things she does or doesn't like about sex that is the issue.
It's the society we have grown up here that makes people repress their emotions that is a big factor in this. In other areas of the world people are more open and free to express their feelings without fear of judgement. That is the root of the problem here.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

father&husband1 said:


> It's the society we have grown up here that makes people repress their emotions that is a big factor in this. In other areas of the world people are more open and free to express their feelings without fear of judgement. That is the root of the problem here.


 yes society has a big PART to play , but don't think yours is all that bad , and the changes that have went on during the tiger years , we in France have the name of liberty but Women or much more held back than where I come from in Ireland , but there is a double standard that goes on in all these societies the one of the keeping the outward image and the one that relay plays out , most plays out in the form of cheating , the cheater does not show their other side not alone to the wife or husband but to every one else as well , we all need to think along the lines that this is only one life and make the most of it because we are not cumming back , 

it sounds like you both have to work on your sex life and how you are to one and other but it looks that you and she have the tools to do it , you talk about love it is hard to know what love is 
often we mistake love for companionship the experts say love only lasts 3 mounts I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT ONE BUT , they might be right that we love differently as years go on and bad habits set in , it is better to work on things before it becomes to far , 
I WISH i KNOW HOW just know we all spend to much time on the internet now


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## Fixer (Jun 20, 2021)

She is wasting her sexual energy on porn that she should be directing towards you. Contrary to popular belief, porn is harmful for relationships, for both men and women. She WILL be less intimate with you than she could, if she keeps watching porn alone. You need to explain her that. In the worst case, watch it together.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

the reason a person looks at porn is most important , 
some watch it as a cheat and easy sex ed which it is not at all , or most times very little in porn has anything to do with real life and real sex 
some watch porn to get horny 
some get horny and then get off and many men teach themselves to become over sensitive to it and end up with premature ejaculation because of it , 
how it affects a woman is a good question ,


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