# Losing myself and can't stop the cycle...



## christmaslady (Dec 21, 2009)

Long venting session-sorry.

I am thankful for this forum; a place that I can vent and express my feelings and get feedback (good, bad or indifferent). Thank you everyone that has replied to my post (member since Dec 2009) etc. and thanks for the support and confirmation that I am not alone. 

So right now...I am really actually feeling very much alone; in my life. I seem to have no balance and I feel that I am losing myself and/or that I lost myself long ago and the reality of it all is now sinking in.

My bf had been seeing someone else for the past year+. When I confronted him about it, of course, he lied. It took a while and a few more large blow ups but he has finally gotten to a story that actually seems like it could be truthful (although I do not know). I broke his trust and went through his e-mails etc. in order to find out...I am not sorry for breaking his trust; but I do hate what I found (knowing it could have been worse, it still hurts like hell). Anyway, that was in May/June 2009. Since then, we act/try to make things better, but I am now realizing that he feels that I am bringing my misery on myself (the constant thoughts of betrayal, the questions about the other woman, etc.). We went to one counselling session in the past, where we walked away not speaking and never spoke of it again. We did not go back to counselling. In speaking with him about this in recent days (as he is now indicating that he wants us to go to couples and individual counselling), I am finding that he felt/says he felt/feels that we went to counselling for me (as if he did not/does not need counselling. I feel this is an escape mechanism...as if he feels that he has paid the price, he should not have to answer anything else, that counsellling will make us move forward without fixing the past etc. and therefore he does not need to answer anything else etc. although he continues to tell me we are in this together and i can take time to figure it all out (as long as we are together and working for our future).

He still gets upset when I get in the moods that I just don't feel strongly about us and/or have outstanding questions (almost as if he still has things he is hiding and/or lying about that he does not want to come out/express). I asked him today if he was upset at himself or me and to him it was obvious that he was upset with me. He indicated that I make this misery myself and that I control my emotions and if not me then who...he is now asking what I want to gain from counselling. Due to the destruction that he caused on top of life in general, I know that I need personal counselling, but I do not know what I will/want to gain from couples counselling. I do not want to be the naive woman that knows her bf/husband is/has/has the capabilities to cheat and just lets it go. I want the happiness and joy that he should feel when I am giving my 110% (which is almost every day: he wants and needs for NOTHING). I am not feeling not only cheated on but cheated...as in, I now feel/know that in my eyes, I give 80% and he gives 20% and anything more than 20% normally comes after a big fight for a few weeks until he feels things are back to status quo. 

The feelings I have right now, are feelings that I had before when I started looking at his e-mail/phone records etc....as if my gut knows when he is doing something. I don't know how to not let this affect me. It affects me at work (as evidenced with this post-I am at work and should be working but am consumed by my relationship and can not focus on anything but), it affects my home (naturally) and it affects my personality. He has been in kissass mode since New Years, when I confirmed my thoughts to be correct and we had the worse arguement EVER (had had all his bags packed and at the door-although he never left). I know that this phase for him will soon end, but I don't know what will happen and how I will feel when it does. He acts as if this is what I need in order for me to be able to trust him again, but I don't think he should be able to define that for me and that he needs to answer questions etc. until I am comfortable (which he does sporatically). I tell him, I don't need him to be with me all the time to trust him, I need to be able to trust him without me...I need to be able to trust that he can have relationships with other people/women without it becoming an issue in our relationship (not because I don't know about it, but because it does not exist). 

When he talks to people about me, he claims that I am crazy and ridiculous etc. and never explains the whole situation and his part in the whole thing...so everyone thinks he is Mr. Sunshine and I am the devils spawn. So naturally he gets comforted by other women that want to give him advice, that want to show him how good life could be etc. and that want to be with him etc., not to mention the girls he tries to be a part of anyway.

I guess I really just don't know what I am fighting for anymore...nor do I know who I am fighting anymore. Is it possible that we can get past this and really be healed from this enough to move on and have my fairytale life that I always dreamed of?

I have never been married before nor do I have any children, all of which, I waited for him to do all of this with; but now, I don't know that I want that with him anymore (this is the supposed to be the fun, happy go lucky part of a relationship and it has been hell on earth, so is this what is promised or acceptable for my future?). I am a strong woman and feel I take on a lot of challenges in life, I feel I am seeing this as a challenge, but I don't know if I will ever win; so it is leaving me not only alone but feeling defeated. I know I should not look at it as a challenge, but I don't know how to look at it any other way without being more hurt than I already am. I think that is my way of not taking it personal.

All thoughts, comments, assistance etc. are/is welcome. Thanks for listening.


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## Just_Venting (Jan 12, 2010)

Sweetie if you are not married run as far away from him as you can.

He is not adding any value to the relationship.

Sounds a little like your self esteem has taken a hit.

Don't allow yourself to be one of the people who stay in bad relationships because they "think" they can change someone....

I am not a female so I can look into what you are saying and tell you that he is not good for you. Better yet, you are too good for him.

People have to be willing to meet half way in real relationships. If he is not doing that now then you are settling.

Don't settle for anything less than number 1 in someone's life.

I made that mistake and it cost me 6 years of unhappiness.

Any man that would degrade you when they talk to other people (men or women) is not worth the powder to blow them up.

He should be praising you saying how smart, caring, sensual, and beautiful you are inside and out....

See the writing on the wall?


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## Choose2love (Jul 28, 2009)

Um, move on, period. You are not married, you have no children. If it happens again with someone else, look at what you do in the relationship, but for now, write him off. It sounds like too much damage, too early. You will not have your "fairytale life" with this guy. NEXT PLEASE... all the single ladies, put your hands up...that would be you. Now go about your own single life business without him. Yes, your single life should be enjoyable... my biggest advice for your single life... you have the freedom to accept or reject any behavior you want. Next time, do not accept this for even a minute, life is too short and you are free to choose being single gives you the awesome freedom to push aside those absurd people... 

If you find that you for some reason dont enjoy being single, then you have other issues to deal with... if I only knew how to play the dating scene the way it should be played... I would never have gotten married or would be married to a man who is more interested in me right now. As it is I got married to have sex with one person forever adn I got now sex (basically no sex... and its sex with strings attached). Go out and enjoy!


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## Just_Venting (Jan 12, 2010)

true that... what she said!!


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## mommy2 (Oct 27, 2009)

Ditto, ditto, ditto!

Sweetie - move on. Not married, no children - nothing keeping you there. You should be with someone that makes you happy period. 

You need to leave him, build back up your self esteem and find someone that DESERVES you! 

If you're already miserable now and not even married??!! Whoa sister, it only gets more difficult with marriage and children, not easier. 

There are times when you stay and work things out and times when you run the other way. Put on your running shoes........


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