# what sex means to a guy



## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Often times I hear that if a man has sex with another women, as in an affair, it can be just sex. that's it. its not the same as a woman because a woman becomes emotionally connected. For a man it can just be sex. So if a man has an affair, he can say it was nothing, just a guy satiating a carnal lust and nothing more. But then i repeatedly hear a conflicting story. I hope you dont mind me quoting you Scanner:



Scannerguard said:


> The reason I ask is men feel love like 5X the level that women walk around with right after sex.


I hear the above stated many times, too. If there's conflict in a relationship, immediately one is asked, "Is your man getting sex? because if not, he's not feeling loved." men need sex to feel loved. So then I think, is it really true? is it ever _just_ sex for a guy? How can that be when I hear repeatedly that for a man to feel loved he needs sex? Doesnt that conflict? A man that has an affair can say, it was nothing- just sex. But the next day can turn around and say I dont feel loved because I dont get sex. 

These two themes seem to drastically conflict. It doesnt seem to me that a man can choose when he feels love from sex and when he doesnt. He either does or he doesnt, and since the prevailing theme is that a man must have sex in the relationship to feel loved, i think men are specious when they say sex can ever mean "nothing".


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

I think it's mostly a lie that "it's just sex". I know for myself that I would hook in powerfully to any woman I've had sex with.

Men typically fall in love faster and harder than women, commit suicide after divorce more frequently.

You may like the quick summary of Dr Helen Fisher here Married Man Sex Life: Dr Helen Fisher: Casual Sex Doesn't Exist

There are some men that can seemingly have "just sex", but they all tend to be heartless all purpose *******s to begin with. Plus they tend to purposely concentrate on viewing women as "wet holes" and nothing more. Which is not my particular way.


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## 76Trombones (Jun 2, 2010)

I have wondered the same thing but never had the guts to ask  Good post!


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

sex is carnal instinct and love. i married my wife with the intent on her being my only lover for the rest of my life. of course its impossible to predict the future at that point, as in how we would both change over the 20+ years so far. i havent had an affair and wont even venture to another woman unless we divorce. but alot of men do, to at least satiate the carnal needs. i really cant believe that at least some women who cheat aren't doing so for just lust and nothing else.

on the rare occasions my wife and i do make love, i feel calm and more loving immediately after, she actually gets uptight and aggressive, almost agitated. it almost makes me wish she was just a fling so i could get the hell out right after it was over. too much baggage these days.


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

The mechanics of sex, which is arousal and passion, are very easy for a man even with little or no emotional connection. Such as the expression men are visual, this is only a half truth, as both men and women are visual, but the man can be stimulated sexually very quickly again, before there is the emotional component. This is why images of pornography is so stimulating and causing such a sexual reaction to a man.

A woman is surely as visual, but will react far stronger sexually after the emotional component is present. For the woman, this comes from how she feels about a particular man, is he dominant, confident, is he protective of her, does he respect her, does he deserve her intimacy and openess? If the answers to the questions are yes, the woman will often then react very strongly sexually. Notice this can happen very quickly, as quickly as the woman will form an opinion on the man. Regardless, in this way, it can be assumed there is more situational depth required for a woman to be fully sexually excited. This is why a woman is not so engaged by images of pornography as a man.

But a man, after the act of sex, will certainly have very deep emotions, stemming from primal urges to protect that which he desires. I will argue that a man can be every bit as emotoinal attached as a component of a sexual relationship, it just tends to be more apparent after the fact, and again the emotional attachment is not necessary for the initial sexual arousal.

A very good question. 

I believe it is important to understand because men and woman experience sexual and emotional feelings in a different scheme of order, it doesn't mean that the man or the woman does not have both components, and that both are valid.

Women are very much sexual creatures, and men are very much emotional creatures!


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## 76Trombones (Jun 2, 2010)

I personally find dominant men repulsive so I steer clear of them all the time. The passive ones are boring. So I usually stick to guys that are half way. Ones who can accept my decisions, yet not be afraid to voice him and make his own decisions. I guess that would be a decent matching in theory.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I think it's rarely "just sex". If most people are perfectly honest, sex with their married partner is usually better anyway. A man already knows how to please his wife and she already knows what he likes. I think most guys stray because they can't be their true self at home. They aren't treated as men at home so they find someone who will ooh and aah over them and who lets them live the image they have for themselves. Too many women, I believe, have the idea that a marriage license is a promotion to boss or is official permission to quit pursuing a romantic relationship with their husband. Childbirth is also not permission to quit dating one's husband. Pursuing a career is not permission to quit dating one's spouse. In short, at home the guy is often relegated to just a name on a paycheck, married to a woman who assumes he will always be there whether she participates in the relationship or not. 
If she pushes him away repeatedly, he should just patiently accept it and remain quietly in place waiting for a crumb. If she nags or belittles him, he's supposed to just always be there like a piece of furniture she's paid for. Similarly, I think most women stray for the same reason. They are romantically ignored at home. Both people have this fantasy that they date, they get married, and life is supposed to be sweet. In reality, both get out only what they put in. It's often unfair and it's almost always one-sided, if only temporarily. Anything you don't maintain will eventually break.


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## mommy2 (Oct 27, 2009)

unbelievable said:


> I think it's rarely "just sex". If most people are perfectly honest, sex with their married partner is usually better anyway. A man already knows how to please his wife and she already knows what he likes. I think most guys stray because they can't be their true self at home. They aren't treated as men at home so they find someone who will ooh and aah over them and who lets them live the image they have for themselves. Too many women, I believe, have the idea that a marriage license is a promotion to boss or is official permission to quit pursuing a romantic relationship with their husband. Childbirth is also not permission to quit dating one's husband. Pursuing a career is not permission to quit dating one's spouse. *In short, at home the guy is often relegated to just a name on a paycheck, married to a woman who assumes he will always be there whether she participates in the relationship or not. **If she pushes him away repeatedly, he should just patiently accept it and remain quietly in place waiting for a crumb. If she nags or belittles him, he's supposed to just always be there like a piece of furniture she's paid for.* Similarly, I think most women stray for the same reason. They are romantically ignored at home. Both people have this fantasy that they date, they get married, and life is supposed to be sweet. In reality, both get out only what they put in. It's often unfair and it's almost always one-sided, if only temporarily. Anything you don't maintain will eventually break.


You're post and perspective is spot on. Sadly, I am ashamed to admit - I was guilty of being that woman. The woman who quit dating her spouse, who let built up resentment overpower her emotions. Who let that resentment overpower all my feelings for my H. And you're right, that's how my husband felt loved, was me having the sexual intimacy we once shared. For me, that was the last thing I desired because of my bitterness. (there were many things that led to me being this way infertility, hormones, financial issues, medical issues, job loss, etc. I wasn't just this horrible shrew for no reason! 

The result? My husband did have an affair - he got what he wasn't getting here. DOESN'T MAKE IT RIGHT - HE WAS COMPLETELY WRONG FOR WHAT HE DID, HE KNOWS & AGREES. 

BUT for me, fortunately, it only lasted weeks not months and he ended all contact the day it was discovered. We reconnected emotionally & physically and I can honestly say even with all the heartache, sadness, hurt that I have experienced these months - I have never been more in love with my husband. I never realized how important the sex was to a relationship. We are like newlyweds.....even with 2 small children at home! We find/make time now.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

mommy2 said:


> And you're right, that's how my husband felt loved, was me having the sexual intimacy we once shared. For me, that was the last thing I desired because of my bitterness.
> 
> I never realized how important the sex was to a relationship. We are like newlyweds.....even with 2 small children at home! We find/make time now.


I think this is so often the case in relationships. Before I was married i was under the impression that sex was nothing to a man but satisfying a lust. But that is so wrong! Its so much more to a guy. even if they wont admit it. Men are so emotional about sex. This is the one thing in my marriage that has absolutely floored me. My perception of men has taken a complete 180.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

BigBadWolf said:


> men and woman experience sexual and emotional feelings in a different scheme of order, it doesn't mean that the man or the woman does not have both components, and that both are valid.
> 
> Women are very much sexual creatures, and men are very much emotional creatures!


I think you're exactly right! I grew up thinking men were not emotional and it just cracks me up now. My H is just as emotional as me, he just shows it differently and is not as aware of his emotions.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

unbelievable said:


> I think it's rarely "just sex". If most people are perfectly honest, sex with their married partner is usually better anyway. A man already knows how to please his wife and she already knows what he likes. I think most guys stray because they can't be their true self at home. They aren't treated as men at home so they find someone who will ooh and aah over them and who lets them live the image they have for themselves. Too many women, I believe, have the idea that a marriage license is a promotion to boss or is official permission to quit pursuing a romantic relationship with their husband. Childbirth is also not permission to quit dating one's husband. Pursuing a career is not permission to quit dating one's spouse. In short, at home the guy is often relegated to just a name on a paycheck, married to a woman who assumes he will always be there whether she participates in the relationship or not.
> If she pushes him away repeatedly, he should just patiently accept it and remain quietly in place waiting for a crumb. If she nags or belittles him, he's supposed to just always be there like a piece of furniture she's paid for. Similarly, I think most women stray for the same reason. They are romantically ignored at home. Both people have this fantasy that they date, they get married, and life is supposed to be sweet. In reality, both get out only what they put in. It's often unfair and it's almost always one-sided, if only temporarily. Anything you don't maintain will eventually break.



perfectly stated :smthumbup:


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## ThinkTooMuch (Aug 6, 2010)

*Response to unbelievable*

I mostly agree, my disagreement is with the word married - I'd prefer to use loving when unbelievable wrote "sex with their married partner is usually better anyway" - I certainly wonder about being with other women, I really enjoy the company of women as friends and lovers, but I don't think a jump in the sack with someone I'm not emotionally connected to is satisfactory. My behavior will probably change when I move out of this house after starting divorce proceedings.

Regrettably my wife of 20+ years behaves as if "In short, at home the guy is often relegated to just a name on a paycheck, married to a woman who assumes he will always be there whether she participates in the relationship or not." 

I just had a talk I was trying to avoid. I'll start a thread on TAM, not wanting to hijack this one. 

Mark


unbelievable said:


> I think it's rarely "just sex". If most people are perfectly honest, sex with their married partner is usually better anyway. A man already knows how to please his wife and she already knows what he likes. I think most guys stray because they can't be their true self at home. They aren't treated as men at home so they find someone who will ooh and aah over them and who lets them live the image they have for themselves. Too many women, I believe, have the idea that a marriage license is a promotion to boss or is official permission to quit pursuing a romantic relationship with their husband. Childbirth is also not permission to quit dating one's husband. Pursuing a career is not permission to quit dating one's spouse. In short, at home the guy is often relegated to just a name on a paycheck, married to a woman who assumes he will always be there whether she participates in the relationship or not.
> If she pushes him away repeatedly, he should just patiently accept it and remain quietly in place waiting for a crumb. If she nags or belittles him, he's supposed to just always be there like a piece of furniture she's paid for. Similarly, I think most women stray for the same reason. They are romantically ignored at home. Both people have this fantasy that they date, they get married, and life is supposed to be sweet. In reality, both get out only what they put in. It's often unfair and it's almost always one-sided, if only temporarily. Anything you don't maintain will eventually break.


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## mike1 (Jun 15, 2009)

I just posted a link in it's own thread but this article is really incredible in understanding your husband's sexuality.

I think many women, my wife probably included, won't change their perspective or behavior even after reading this which is sad.


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## TwoSides (Sep 7, 2010)

@mike1,

Just read the link you posted and it seems to confirm what I've been thinking for a long time. I'm glad to hear I'm not the only one.


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

I understand the question you are asking Blanca. It is a contradiction in terms. On the one hand a man can say he had sex with a woman and feels absolutely nothing for her. On the other hand, he can have sex with a woman (whom he is hopefully in love with) and say that is what he needs to feel close to her. 

That is confusing. Especially in a situation where a husband works all day, doesn't speak to his wife about anything significant, goes out with the guys but not with her, plays video games and basically ignores her and then wants to have sex with her so he can connect with her. It's as if the ONLY way he can connect with her is through that act and then he's done with the connection and pulls away. 

I've seriously had my husband go a week without touching me in any nonsexual way, but then initates sex with me and then continues about his business like there is nothing more needed in a relationship.

You know the old saying, "Women fake orgasms. Men fake relationships."


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

themrs said:


> You know the old saying, "Women fake orgasms. Men fake relationships."


I actually dont think men fake relationships at all. I used to think that about my H, too. but now i think sex, and physical attention in general, is the relationship to them, and i dont think there's anything wrong with that. Its the same for a women who feels listened to by her H. when she's done talking, she leaves. 

@mike: im sorry about your wife not responding to you. i often do not respond to my H these days either. i can see how its affecting him which is what has me so intrigued. I always thought my neglect of his physical needs was nothing more then him having to deal with a craving, and i do think that's part of it, but now I think its much more then that.


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

Blanca said:


> I actually dont think men fake relationships at all. I used to think that about my H, too. but now i think sex, and physical attention in general, is the relationship to them, and i dont think there's anything wrong with that. Its the same for a women who feels listened to by her H. when she's done talking, she leaves.


If I feel listened to by my husband, it makes me want to get closer to him. I want to do the opposite of leave when he makes a connection to me. 

The opposite is true for my husband. Too much connection makes him withdraw. That's what it says in Mars/Venus as well. That men are like rubber bands that snap back when they are given enough space. That after sex, sometimes men feel TOO much connection and they need to withdrawl from the situaton. 

The problem becomes when the only time the "snap back" is for sex. A lot of men can go about living their every day lives - working, playing video games, talking with friends, etc and never give their wife the time of day UNTIL they want to have sex with them. If their sexual needs are fulfilled, they feel close to their wives even if they don't ever initiate a converstaion with them.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

themrs said:


> If I feel listened to by my husband, it makes me want to get closer to him. I want to do the opposite of leave when he makes a connection to me.
> 
> The opposite is true for my husband. Too much connection makes him withdraw. That's what it says in Mars/Venus as well. That men are like rubber bands that snap back when they are given enough space. That after sex, sometimes men feel TOO much connection and they need to withdrawl from the situaton.
> 
> The problem becomes when the only time the "snap back" is for sex. A lot of men can go about living their every day lives - working, playing video games, talking with friends, etc and never give their wife the time of day UNTIL they want to have sex with them. If their sexual needs are fulfilled, they feel close to their wives even if they don't ever initiate a converstaion with them.


i understand what you are saying about the communication/connection/talking thing, i really do. i have found that when i listen to my wife (and i do) i pick out the significant portions of her discussion and i tend to ignore the repetitive, over analyzation parts of it. apparently my wife's need to talk is immense because she can go on and on for infinity about the smallest things. perhaps that points to the man's desire to quickly solve and the the woman's desire to talk things out completely and thoroughly, i dunno. but there comes a point when i have to shut her down because it gets annoying. one of the ways I do that is to start working on something else which im sure she sees as me ignoring her, but i guess im just trying to ease out of the conversation and move on without making a scene. by that time i have long since gotten the point


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

okeydokie said:


> i understand what you are saying about the communication/connection/talking thing, i really do. i have found that when i listen to my wife (and i do) i pick out the significant portions of her discussion and i tend to ignore the repetitive, over analyzation parts of it. apparently my wife's need to talk is immense because she can go on and on for infinity about the smallest things. perhaps that points to the man's desire to quickly solve and the the woman's desire to talk things out completely and thoroughly, i dunno. but there comes a point when i have to shut her down because it gets annoying. one of the ways I do that is to start working on something else which im sure she sees as me ignoring her, but i guess im just trying to ease out of the conversation and move on without making a scene. by that time i have long since gotten the point



Anyone being extremely verbose can become annoying. I agree with you there. As a woman who LOVES to talk, I go to where my well is full. I talk to my mom and my girlfriends, or I even post online to fill my insatiable hunger for expressing myself verbally. I don't bother my husband so much with talking about this or that. I get it from other sources.

The thing that bugs the hell out of me though is that there are somethings I only want to talk to him about. Maybe I will ramble on and on, but I want him to be my friend and listen to me and not ignore me. Give me that respect at least to not flip through channels or surf the net while I'm talking to you about something I feel is important. 

I think it is akin to me being distracted during sex. If I just lie there and let him have his way, it's not going to be nearly as satisfying as if I were engaged in the act and enjoying it as well. It sends the message "I'm not interested in you."


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## TeaLeaves4 (Feb 19, 2010)

themrs said:


> Give me that respect at least to not flip through channels or surf the net while I'm talking to you about something I feel is important.
> 
> I think it is akin to me being distracted during sex. If I just lie there and let him have his way, it's not going to be nearly as satisfying as if I were engaged in the act and enjoying it as well. It sends the message "I'm not interested in you."


VERY good point.

For many women, this kind of connections is just as much of a "need" as sex can be for a man.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

themrs said:


> I think it is akin to me being distracted during sex. If I just lie there and let him have his way, it's not going to be nearly as satisfying as if I were engaged in the act and enjoying it as well. It sends the message "I'm not interested in you."


my analogy would be similar except it would be that you would get disinterested during sex because he just does the same thing over and over and becomes "monotoned"


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

I think some of you are assuming that a man's need or want to connect emotionally through sex is the same when he is with someone in a committed relationship and when he is dating. The man you married is a lot different than his former self. The quickest way to lose a man you're dating is to have sex too early. A man can and does have sex without an emotional attachment but when that man is "in love" the sex they are having turns into a much more emotional experience and when it is withheld cause problems on an emotional level.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

> I hope you dont mind me quoting you Scanner:


Not at all. . .I'd like to think I am quotable 



> Quote:
> Originally Posted by Scannerguard
> The reason I ask is men feel love like 5X the level that women walk around with right after sex.
> 
> I hear the above stated many times, too. If there's conflict in a relationship, immediately one is asked, "Is your man getting sex? because if not, he's not feeling loved." men need sex to feel loved. So then I think, is it really true? is it ever just sex for a guy? How can that be when I hear repeatedly that for a man to feel loved he needs sex? Doesnt that conflict? A man that has an affair can say, it was nothing- just sex. But the next day can turn around and say I dont feel loved because I dont get sex.


Okay, a little clarification. . .I am saying for a man to feel love (have the oxytocin released). . .he has to have sex (mostly). But yes. . .to also feel loved, but I meant it more in the context to be able to give love and feel "in love", they have to have sex. I mean, sometimes it happens in other circumstances:

A. You see your woman nursing your baby.
B. You see her sitting there by the lamp reading a book looking demure ) during a quiet peaceful time of the day. (but now I see myself getting horny too, lol)
C. Driving home somewhere with her and it's quiet.

You can see I am reaching here to think of times when I feel love for her *before* sex.

But after sex. . .golly gee. . .I'm sooooo mushy. 

I wuv you, Blanca. I wuv you so much. Do you remember when we were going out and we used to go that little diner and I got a reuben and you always got the caribbean salad? Do you remember that?

(see what I mean? Gawd. .. just get away already, lol. And this is of course if we can fight off the sleepiness or we nap for 15 minutes and then we wake up mushy)

Now. . .as far as the affair. . .here's what I think the rub is on that.

Are men lying when they say, "It was just sex?"

Not really. . .I suppose a little.

Ask any prostitute (or lover) how much men who come in for their services or get involved with them how much they talk about their wives. Really. . .I think women can wrap their heads around the idea of replacing their husband in their mind more than men can wrap their heads around replacing their wife with "this woman."

Prostitutes know to just listen to them ramble and then perform the deed. That guy in the other forum who was 50 year old doing a stripper - fits the profile.

But to replace my wife with this woman? My God. . .NO! This is my girlfriend, NOT MY WIFE.

So, in an affair (and we'll not just say a one night stand), the man often (I'm generalizing) is probably seeking to fill a void that is there emotionally with his wife, through sex with this other woman.

Complicate this now if he does commit adultery, yes, feelings will inevitably develop for this woman after sex.

Okay, this was a post full of generalizations to clarify myself. That being said, there are certainly other reasons men have affairs. Like the one dude here who was a sex addict. Had a perfectly reasonable, engaged lovely wife at home but he sumcumbed to gluttony. He couldn't be satisfied with 2-3x/week with her. . .he had to have more and with other women.

Totally different and dysfunctional.


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

Scannerguard said:


> Not at all. . .I'd like to think I am quotable
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I wish that were true of my husband, but it's not. He may be "feeling" lovingly towards me after sex but he doesn't verbalize it. He will just turn the tv on or go look at the internet. Even if what are you saying is true for most men, if he doesn't say it how would I know? It would appear to be just a physical release and nothing more unless he demonstrated otherwise.

If asked the question "When is your husband most lovingly towards you?" my answer would not be after sex. It would most likely be "When I act most lovingly towards him", even if we didn't have sex that day.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Kobo said:


> A man can and does have sex without an emotional attachment but when that man is "in love" the sex they are having turns into a much more emotional experience and when it is withheld cause problems on an emotional level.


I understand what you are saying, but this is where I disagree. I think sex is an emotional experience for the guy no matter how well he knows the person, or if he's already in love with them. I dont think having sex makes the man fall in love necessarily, but I do think it makes him feel loved, if that makes sense. A man needs sex to feel loved, not necessarily to be in love.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Scannerguard said:


> But after sex. . .golly gee. . .I'm sooooo mushy.


 Here is the scientific answer to this question. It all comes down to healthy God given Hormones - influencing our brains. Scanner is right about the "Oxytocin release" after an orgasm. 

The science of love

It states: Oxytocin is a powerful hormone released by men and women during orgasm. 

It probably deepens the feelings of attachment and makes couples feel much closer to one another after they have had sex. The theory goes that the more sex a couple has, the deeper their bond becomes.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Scannerguard said:


> I wuv you, Blanca. I wuv you so much. Do you remember when we were going out and we used to go that little diner and I got a reuben and you always got the caribbean salad? Do you remember that?


LOL :rofl: i had to do a double take on that one scanner

It makes sense to me that a man would go to a prostitute when he's not feeling loved. That never made sense to me before now. i wouldnt think he'd want to marry the prostitute, but i do think he feels loved by being with her. And in return, he'd love her a little for making him feel better. That simple exchange is what love is, after all. The consistency and frequency in which one has that exchange with a single person determines the intensity of love with that person. Its more likely that the prostitute would never love the man, since the pleasure exchange is probably less for her. A man would be hundreds of dollars on a prostitute while a women would spend that on a therapist. In the end its really the same thing.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

For the men who seem to NOT be emotionally attached at all, I do feel this is hormonal as well... more in the aggressive high testosterone male, he is more likely to act this way in comparison to the lower Testosterone male. 

I am enjoying a Great book right now, all about the hormones surrounding our emotions in LOVE and LUST. Amazon.com: The Alchemy of Love and Lust (9780671004446): Theresa L. Crenshaw: Books 

Just a few days ago, I was reading how -when testosterone is at it's peak in guys - usually teens - into 20's, many are almost completley testosterone driven (Masterbating up to 7 times a day), if these guys dont manage to keep there hormones in check, yeah, they can do 5 different women a day and think absolutely nothing of it. Maybe a little bonding after the man cums, but he is quite content to be in hot pursuit of his next conquest many times. If he doesnt find LOVE somewhere during this phase of his life, this is easy for him to continue "using" women like this. Us women have a harder time understanding the male as this hormone is much less abundant in our bodies "driving" us. 

Testosterone is responsible for that wonderful sex drive in both sexes, but it also has a DARK SIDE.... it keeps them wanting their space/ going into their cave, makes them emotionally distant many times, non -commital, masterbating solo is another common theme, and aggressive, demanding & irritable. They are often in hot pursit for that orgasm. As they age, these higher levels come down some, and other hormones come more into play, why men get more affectionate & loving , even calmer as they age.


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