# can someone give me advice please



## lucylou26 (Mar 20, 2013)

I know this forum is about marriage but im not married just stupidly in love!

just to warn you tis will be long but please can someone help.

well ive been with my ‘boyfriend‘ for 2 years in these 2 years hes cheated twice, both which ive found out about and had the proof but he denied it all! well since last july I don‘t think hes cheated, that I know of and its been brilliant really getting on and me starting totrust him more and more. the thing is he is in the army and only comes home at weekends as he lives on camp. He has a reputation of cheating and cheated on his ex wife numerous times of what shes said but he wont admit. 

Anyway Monday his bank statement come through my door but before I realised it was his id opened it. looked through and saw that 20.00 had been taken out in the name of global personals...sounded dodgy so looked it up, It was a dating site. confronted him and rang him at work he got mad saying I was snooping but denied it all saying that he hasn‘t been on it since we got together. but any way I finished our relationship...he didn‘t even try with me, just let me get on with it. the problem with me is im ok finishing it then about 7-8 hours later I have a massive realisation that ive finished it and get worried about being on my own then start ringing him telling him I love him! its like I love him so much I will forgive anything no matter what he does! to anyone else I will be like get rid and I think that once a cheat always a cheat... ive done so much for this man and love him more than anything in the world (except my daughter..from another relationship). Why can I not let him go and stick to It?

anyway hes coming home tomorrow and I know he wont talk to me on the phone about stuff, if I try talk about anything serious he says im trying to cause an argument puts the phone down and doesn‘t answer for the rest of the night. Today I stumbled by accident actually a dating site, it kind of was sayin ‘see if hes on here‘ I signed up under a false id and found his profile, his pic and description saying hes single in the army and is looking forward to getting out, says he last signed in 3 das ago, so hasn‘t been on since I confronted him...which he is getting medically discharged from. I haven‘t told him ive seen it and im thinking of confronting him tomorrow when he is home...his friend drops him off home and he doesn‘t know anyone round here as he lost him best mate who he did live with when he came back to our town because he slept with him brothers GF! Do you think this is a good idea? or I was thinking of writing a letter and posting it to camp so he gets it Monday? my head and my friends are telling me to get rid but im scared, hes great with my daughter and things cant get better when hes home its perfect, do I wait out for him to get out the army and hope it gets better? is it just bordem when hes there? (hes been in it 10 years) 

My heads a complete mess Im crying all the time and he just doesn‘t seem to get it why im like it, hes admitted he has a problem and doesn‘t know why he does it. one condition of having me back before was for him to delete his fb, Skype and msn account which he has. my friends just don‘t seem to understand why I haven‘t got rid, im a smart women and would never in the past put up with it but I love him sooo much! 

he never has any money he pays his ex wifes mortgage and child support so hes kind of living off me. he has always said if I want rid then for me to dump him coz he willnot dump me.

please can someone give me some constructive advice?

im actually having suicidal thoughts, 5 years ago I was really depressed but got through it. why am I not good enough for him, why does he have to look else were. we have a great sex life sorry to much info. 

I have no support from my mates just that am mad and should get rid, am so sorry for the long post. Please help x


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I'm not going to sugar-coat this for you. 

He cheated on his ex-wife and he will continue to cheat. That's who he is.

You need to stay away from him and concentrate on *you*. You are very co-dependent on him. Which suits him well because that way he can do whatever he pleases and you will take him back. He's counting on that.

Detach from him and restart your life. You will have a better one without him.

*Detach*.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

lucylou26 said:


> he has always said if I want rid then for me to dump him coz he willnot dump me.


(snapping my fingers at you) _Don't read the rest if you want your fantasy to continue. _

Hey lucy, LUCY!

WAKE THE F up willya?

He already dumped you. In fact, I don't think you two were EVER really an "us". Not in any real sense. My guess is that there was never an "US" with his xwife. 

What is it about him that you love so much? Is he that good in bed? I know it's not his honesty, not his integrity, not his sense of honor, not his trustworthiness, not his affection for you (or anyone but himself), not his great communication skills, not his empathy, ... not his --- fill in the blank. 

Is sex that important to you? You have no real emotional connection to him - at least he doesn't have one with you. 

As long as you keep paying the bills, be there for HIS support, be available WHEN HE WANTS you to be. All will be fine.... until you've had enough. 

When will you have enough? 

In the meantime you are teaching your daughter by example. She will have an even more abusive relationship and be used by multiple men by patterning her life by your example. 

Grow up. Move on. You have a life to lead and a daughter to raise. You don't need to try to raise this moron.


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## Shoshan1290 (Mar 5, 2013)

It seems like you are stuck in this cycle largely in part because of your own lack of self esteem. The fact that you are suicidal over this speaks VOLUMES. I really urge you to get yourself into some counseling. The only way you're going to improve yourself is by a) working on yourself from within and b) ending the relationship you are currently in and moving on. There are really no other options.

It seems to me that your boyfriends lifestyle revolves around women, cheating, and mind-games. Just like you can't force a horse to drink the water you lead it to, you will never be able to rid this leopard of his spots. He is who he is, and perhaps there is someone out there who can handle him better. 

From your post it's clear that you are suffering mental anguish. The question you next need to ask yourself is this: Do you actually love him, or are you so dependent on him and so caught up in the idea of loving him that you are scared to walk away? If you're staying because you are afraid of being alone, that is a poor decision.

In any case you KNOW he is cheating. You KNOW he has been and will continue to be unfaithful.

My advice? Pack his things into bags and leave them on the front porch with a note stating that he is not to enter into your house again. Do not give him any room to sweet talk you into staying or shutting down your concerns. Just end it and walk away.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Sorry, but he won't change.

He cheated and got divorced... didn't change.

Got caught by you... didn't change.

Got caught by you again... won't change.

I think you should dump him, an get an STD test done while you're at it.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Why do you believe you don't deserve better?

YOU DO!!


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## lucylou26 (Mar 20, 2013)

I know he wont change but why do I still want him so much. it driving me nuts, I cant eat, cant sleep, cant even look after my daughter properly. I haven't even told my parents because they will go mad. I have absolutely no one to talk to about my feelings. 
all I keep thinking is he will change when out of the army when I know deep down he wont.
does anyone think its a good idea to confront him tomorrow, not say ive seen hes been on it 3 days ago it until he comes home, or end it now while he is there? 
I think for my own sanity I need to see him face to face but then I don't want him to try talk me round


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

I think you WANT to hear his lies and "reassurances". You are neglecting your daughter for a fantasy that has no hope of ever becoming a reality. 

Go ahead and "confront" him. He will either lie through his pearly whites to your satisfaction or he will become enraged and you will back down. Rinse - repeat - rinse - repeat. 

In the meantime your daughter is learning how to value herself - learning how females should interact in a relationship. Learn that begging and hanging on to a cheaters coattails is perfectly fine.


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## lucylou26 (Mar 20, 2013)

walkonmars said:


> I think you WANT to hear his lies and "reassurances". You are neglecting your daughter for a fantasy that has no hope of ever becoming a reality.
> 
> Go ahead and "confront" him. He will either lie through his pearly whites to your satisfaction or he will become enraged and you will back down. Rinse - repeat - rinse - repeat.
> 
> In the meantime your daughter is learning how to value herself - learning how females should interact in a relationship. Learn that begging and hanging on to a cheaters coattails is perfectly fine.


yes that's the thing I do want to confront his to his face, if I text or ring then he ignores me. obviously I know im never going to change him. i'm actually coming to terms with it now, I will be an absolute fool to believe him again and I know that. All his stuff is here and to be honest I want rid of it soon as, hes 3 hours away in a car and his mate brings him home at weekends. if he knew what was coming he would be a coward and not come back. I need to confront him in order to move on. im sick of his emotional blackmail, I will just have to keep myself busy


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## Shoshan1290 (Mar 5, 2013)

lucylou26 said:


> I know he wont change but why do I still want him so much. it driving me nuts, I cant eat, cant sleep, cant even look after my daughter properly. I haven't even told my parents because they will go mad. I have absolutely no one to talk to about my feelings.
> all I keep thinking is he will change when out of the army when I know deep down he wont.
> does anyone think its a good idea to confront him tomorrow, not say ive seen hes been on it 3 days ago it until he comes home, or end it now while he is there?
> I think for my own sanity I need to see him face to face but then I don't want him to try talk me round


As a parent you need to woman up and get over this idiot. He is using and abusing your affection, your love, and your person. Is this the kind of woman you want to portray yourself as to your child? Do you want your child seeing you as a broken woman who goes crawling around on her belly after some scumbag? Do you want your child getting into relationships just like this when they are older because this is the dynamic you are in and they think it's normal?

It is basic common sense here. Get. Out.

You are a parent. You have a responsibility to your child to be mentally fit. You have a responsibility to your child to keep not only them, but yourself out of harm. If you are seriously contemplating suicide over this person you really need to get some help -- and quickly.

As I said in my previous post. Pack his stuff up in garbage bags and leave it outside. Get into some counseling and work on yourself. You are all your child has and you need to be a good role model -- not a gosh darn doormat.


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## lucylou26 (Mar 20, 2013)

Shoshan1290 said:


> As a parent you need to woman up and get over this idiot. He is using and abusing your affection, your love, and your person. Is this the kind of woman you want to portray yourself as to your child? Do you want your child seeing you as a broken woman who goes crawling around on her belly after some scumbag? Do you want your child getting into relationships just like this when they are older because this is the dynamic you are in and they think it's normal?
> 
> It is basic common sense here. Get. Out.
> 
> ...


I cant leave his stuff out he has no one in town to get it for him and its all hes got in life 3 big bags of clothes and his tv, I cant do that to anyone I have a heart. tomorrow im hoping it is all over with and then I just have to cope with the aftermath of being on my own.


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## Shoshan1290 (Mar 5, 2013)

lucylou26 said:


> I cant leave his stuff out he has no one in town to get it for him and its all hes got in life 3 big bags of clothes and his tv, I cant do that to anyone I have a heart. tomorrow im hoping it is all over with and then I just have to cope with the aftermath of being on my own.


Anyone with a heart wouldn't be cheating and abusing their partner.


You CAN leave his things outside. You just don't want to because you want to leave a door open for communication with him. If you were really so desperate to be rid of this situation you would buckle up and do the difficult -- but proper -- thing.


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## Broken..ForNow (Mar 20, 2013)

Once a cheater, always a cheater has been my experience =(


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## lucylou26 (Mar 20, 2013)

Shoshan1290 said:


> Anyone with a heart wouldn't be cheating and abusing their partner.
> 
> 
> You CAN leave his things outside. You just don't want to because you want to leave a door open for communication with him. If you were really so desperate to be rid of this situation you would buckle up and do the difficult -- but proper -- thing.



yes I know im weak and stupid, et told all the time from my mates. im scared and need someone. if my brother found out he would kill him, its all like a big secret I cant tell anyone. tell anyone and I look the stupid one. ive done everything for him and this is what I get in return. I know I sound pathetic and know if this was any one elses post I would say get rid


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Do not be afraid of being on your own. You have been on your own since you met him really. He contributes nothing to you and your daughter. He is a taker and that is all he will ever be. You did not really think he would change after the army - you thought that YOU could change him. That never works.

Get him out of your life. At best he is a distraction for you. Concentrate on what is really important, being a good, stable Mom for your child.


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## Shoshan1290 (Mar 5, 2013)

lucylou26 said:


> yes I know im weak and stupid, et told all the time from my mates. im scared and need someone. if my brother found out he would kill him, its all like a big secret I cant tell anyone. tell anyone and I look the stupid one. ive done everything for him and this is what I get in return. I know I sound pathetic and know if this was any one elses post I would say get rid


A good chunk of your problem is a HUGE lack of self esteem. No one here has called you stupid or pathetic, and you are assuming that should you leave that is what people are going to say. The only one here denigrating you is yourself. YOU are the one calling yourself names. Not us. Not your family. Not your friends. and who really gives a flying fig what he has to say? He's a rat. There are fleas on rats. There are amoebas on fleas on rats. (Sorry. Couldn't resist the Grease reference.)

Anyway my point is this. At this current moment your biggest obstacle is yourself. You need to put on your big girl pants, pack his ****, set it on the porch, lock the doors, and wave to the dust from his vehicle as he's driving away. You do not owe him anything -- let alone your sanity and mental health.

The longer you continue this way the more damage you are going to do. You seriously need some counseling and I would urge you to get it sooner rather than later.


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## lucylou26 (Mar 20, 2013)

Shoshan1290 said:


> A good chunk of your problem is a HUGE lack of self esteem. No one here has called you stupid or pathetic, and you are assuming that should you leave that is what people are going to say. The only one here denigrating you is yourself. YOU are the one calling yourself names. Not us. Not your family. Not your friends. and who really gives a flying fig what he has to say? He's a rat. There are fleas on rats. There are amoebas on fleas on rats. (Sorry. Couldn't resist the Grease reference.)
> 
> Anyway my point is this. At this current moment your biggest obstacle is yourself. You need to put on your big girl pants, pack his ****, set it on the porch, lock the doors, and wave to the dust from his vehicle as he's driving away. You do not owe him anything -- let alone your sanity and mental health.
> 
> The longer you continue this way the more damage you are going to do. You seriously need some counseling and I would urge you to get it sooner rather than later.



I know sorry, thanks for your replies. I live in England u know how hard it is to find a decent man lol my daughters dad didn't cheat just beat me and I got out of that when my daughter was 2 month old was on my own for 3 years after that and was at my lowest, depressed on medication wasn't allowed to live on my own for months then 2011 met him and it was great until I found out about the cheating I really do think he helped with the depression. I suppose im just scared of getting that bad again as wel as scared of ever being able to find anyone else. he would be the perfect partner if only he didn't cheat. I know what ive got to do for the sake of my daughter, started university to get my teaching degree in September so I should just concentrate on that.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

lucylou26 said:


> I know sorry, thanks for your replies. I live in England u know how hard it is to find a decent man lol my daughters dad didn't cheat just beat me and I got out of that when my daughter was 2 month old was on my own for 3 years after that and was at my lowest, depressed on medication wasn't allowed to live on my own for months then 2011 met him and it was great until I found out about the cheating I really do think he helped with the depression. I suppose im just scared of getting that bad again as wel as scared of ever being able to find anyone else. he would be the perfect partner if only he didn't cheat. I know what ive got to do for the sake of my daughter, started university to get my teaching degree in September so I should just concentrate on that.


Yes, concentrate on your teaching degree and your daughter and forget about another relationship. Find out who *you *are. Because in the end you are the only person you truly have.

Make your life count.


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## Shoshan1290 (Mar 5, 2013)

lucylou26 said:


> I know sorry, thanks for your replies. I live in England u know how hard it is to find a decent man lol my daughters dad didn't cheat just beat me and I got out of that when my daughter was 2 month old was on my own for 3 years after that and was at my lowest, depressed on medication wasn't allowed to live on my own for months then 2011 met him and it was great until I found out about the cheating I really do think he helped with the depression. I suppose im just scared of getting that bad again as wel as scared of ever being able to find anyone else. he would be the perfect partner if only he didn't cheat. I know what ive got to do for the sake of my daughter, started university to get my teaching degree in September so I should just concentrate on that.


Honey it's hard to find a decent man anywhere.

In any case think about what you're saying. "ASIDE from the cheating he was perfect." Really? So aside from being a liar, a manipulator, a user, an abuser, he is an alright person? Despite the fact that he betrayed your trust, abused your faith, and disrespected you there is a bunch of stuff that can excuse that?

Nothing on the face of this planet can excuse that.

I'm sorry to hear that you had a previous abusive relationship. It really seems to me that you are stuck in the dynamic of choosing crappy relationship partners. Would it be fair to say that because of your insecurity you jump into a relationship with the first man that looks your way? In situations like this I often find that that is the case.

Aside from therapy my advice to you is to have some standards. And before you think of anything think of your child. Think "Is this someone I want around my child? Will this man make a good father? Is he capable of treating me how I deserve and being a responsible role model? Is he someone who will help me to build upon my already set foundation?"

If any of those answers are no -- move on.


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## lucylou26 (Mar 20, 2013)

Shoshan1290 said:


> Honey it's hard to find a decent man anywhere.
> 
> In any case think about what you're saying. "ASIDE from the cheating he was perfect." Really? So aside from being a liar, a manipulator, a user, an abuser, he is an alright person? Despite the fact that he betrayed your trust, abused your faith, and disrespected you there is a bunch of stuff that can excuse that?
> 
> ...


no I definitely don't jump into relationships with anyone, they all put a front on until your sucked in to loving them and then their true colours come out. When we split up for the 2 months after his first cheating my really good mate who is a man told me to get rid n said he wants to prove there not all the same. I turned down a perfectly faithful man for him! I am actually disgusted in myself for believing his lies. this forum and all your comments have helped no end. ITS HIS LOSS NOT MINE. thank you everyone. will keep you all posted. you have all knocked some sense into me


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## Shoshan1290 (Mar 5, 2013)

lucylou26 said:


> no I definitely don't jump into relationships with anyone, they all put a front on until your sucked in to loving them and then their true colours come out. When we split up for the 2 months after his first cheating my really good mate who is a man told me to get rid n said he wants to prove there not all the same. I turned down a perfectly faithful man for him! I am actually disgusted in myself for believing his lies. this forum and all your comments have helped no end. ITS HIS LOSS NOT MINE. thank you everyone. will keep you all posted. you have all knocked some sense into me


You didn't do anything so don't be disgusted with yourself. Keep us updated on how things are going. If you need to talk please feel free to PM me.


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Dump him he will not stop. And you need to stop dating for a while. Focus on yourself. You should not need a man to be happy.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

lucylou26 said:


> I know this forum is about marriage but im not married just stupidly in love!
> 
> just to warn you tis will be long but please can someone help.
> 
> well ive been with my ‘boyfriend‘ for 2 years in these 2 years hes cheated twice, both which ive found out about and had the proof but he denied it all!




Lucylou26, to be honest, this is all I read. Don't put yourself into a position where you will have more to lose. Listen to that urge that you feel inside you that tells you to leave. Listen to your gut feeling that tells you to believe against the will of your "heart". 

You need withdrawal from your boyfriend. You are too high on this image that he can change, that he can morph into your knight in shining armor. Please realize that he is a simple plebeian and you need to move on to a more loyal, honest, less selfish partner. Give yourself 2 weeks and realize that if he has not changed now, marriage will not change him.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

YOU have YOUR future in your own hands. You have the keys to happiness within you. The key to happiness is not outside of you in someone else - you'll never find it there. 

IT
IS
IN 
YOU

Firm up your plan:
1. Remove the wart from your life post-haste.
2. Work diligently at obtaining your teacher credentials
3. Always put your daughter's well-being first and foremost - guide her by example. 

One of the things you'll learn in your teacher-preparation classes is that by the time a child enters 1st grade they already know about 70% of all they will know or learn in life. That means that she is learning every single day by observing and filing those lessons to be accessed later in life. Be the rock she needs you to be. 

Love WILL find you. You don't have to seek it out. Be patient. Love yourself FIRST. Love your daughter next. The rest will fall into place. 

The next thing you know, you will be cradling your granddaughter in your loving arms. The thought of this wart-of-a-man will be a distant nightmare.


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## lucylou26 (Mar 20, 2013)

walkonmars said:


> YOU have YOUR future in your own hands. You have the keys to happiness within you. The key to happiness is not outside of you in someone else - you'll never find it there.
> 
> IT
> IS
> ...


oh god now you have me crying! lol thank you though, hes just said he may not be back tomorrow. I haven't even text him back I have come to my senses just hope they stay! I cant have him doing this all the time its breaking me apart


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## Shoshan1290 (Mar 5, 2013)

lucylou26 said:


> oh god now you have me crying! lol thank you though, hes just said he may not be back tomorrow. I haven't even text him back I have come to my senses just hope they stay! I cant have him doing this all the time its breaking me apart


Stop worrying about what he will/won't do so much. Just worry about yourself and what you're going to do with right NOW. Do things with your child. Go outside, or to the library, or watch a movie, or make cookies. Just put his stupid ass on the side and forget about him. He's not worth it.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

lucylou26 said:


> I know sorry, thanks for your replies.* I live in England u know how hard it is to find a decent man* lol my daughters dad didn't cheat just beat me and I got out of that when my daughter was 2 month old was on my own for 3 years after that and was at my lowest, depressed on medication wasn't allowed to live on my own for months then 2011 met him and it was great until I found out about the cheating I really do think he helped with the depression. I suppose im just scared of getting that bad again as wel as scared of ever being able to find anyone else. he would be the perfect partner if only he didn't cheat. I know what ive got to do for the sake of my daughter, started university to get my teaching degree in September so I should just concentrate on that.


I live in England too and that's a load of bull if you excuse my french. What do you think there are no men who will date a woman with a child? Guess what? It's nothing new been happening since man and woman got together, except in recent history it is not so much of a taboo.

You don't have to do it for the sake of your daughter, you must do it for you. You are dating him, you are being cheated on, he's exposing you to disease (think about your daughter there because now we're talking about your life) AIDS, Chlamydia, Gonorrhea etc are still out there all it takes is one encounter, him coming home and ruining your life.

This is your life, this is serious, stop treating it like a joke or looking at it like a love sick puppy. You're a grown woman. Start acting like one.


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## lucylou26 (Mar 20, 2013)

BobSimmons said:


> I live in England too and that's a load of bull if you excuse my french. What do you think there are no men who will date a woman with a child? Guess what? It's nothing new been happening since man and woman got together, except in recent history it is not so much of a taboo.
> 
> You don't have to do it for the sake of your daughter, you must do it for you. You are dating him, you are being cheated on, he's exposing you to disease (think about your daughter there because now we're talking about your life) AIDS, Chlamydia, Gonorrhea etc are still out there all it takes is one encounter, him coming home and ruining your life.
> 
> This is your life, this is serious, stop treating it like a joke or looking at it like a love sick puppy. You're a grown woman. Start acting like one.


saying that about men in England was actually a joke, although were I live its full of chavs! im not having that. men are the last thing on my mind at the minute anyway


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

Hey lucylou26, how are you feeling this morning? You sound much better.


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## lucylou26 (Mar 20, 2013)

azteca1986 said:


> Hey lucylou26, how are you feeling this morning? You sound much better.


I actually feel ok at the minute, preparing for my confrontation with him later on today, haven't cried yet but its only 9.30 in the morning, got in touch with his ex wife, if he wont take his stuff I can take it all there to there spare house. 
ive found that as long as im speaking to someone im ok, it doesn't hit me until im alone with no one to speak to.


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

Don't worry about his stuff. It's not your problem. It helps if you break down complex problems into a bunch smaller ones.

I'd suggest that today you just deal with - being strong for yourself and your daughter, letting him know his behaviour is unacceptable and sticking to your guns no matter what he throws at you. 

He'll beg, plead, minimize, tell you you're over-reacting, that he has a a problem and will, change, etc, etc.

I think you've heard it all before as - it's not his first time, he's never confessed and you've had to catch him every time.

Stick to your guns. He's taking the p***. You know it. Your friends know it. Everyone reading here knows it too. There's a bunch of good people here who'll try and help as best we can.


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## lucylou26 (Mar 20, 2013)

azteca1986 said:


> Don't worry about his stuff. It's not your problem. It helps if you break down complex problems into a bunch smaller ones.
> 
> I'd suggest that today you just deal with - being strong for yourself and your daughter, letting him know his behaviour is unacceptable and sticking to your guns no matter what he throws at you.
> 
> ...




hi guys, ive done it! hes gone! didn't plan on doing it till tomorrow but me being me couldn't act normal and keep my mouth shut any longer. its midnight now so will update in the morning the story of what happened. eek so proud of myself need to keep this up!


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

lucylou26 said:


> hi guys, ive done it! hes gone! didn't plan on doing it till tomorrow but me being me couldn't act normal and keep my mouth shut any longer. its midnight now so will update in the morning the story of what happened. eek so proud of myself need to keep this up!


Way to go!!!
:smthumbup:

Now - get ready to do all those good things you have planned. Don't give this shmuck a second thought.


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

Well done! Look forward to the update


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

In general, I do not believe "once a cheat, always a cheat." But in the case of your boyfriend? I'll make the exception.


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## lucylou26 (Mar 20, 2013)

azteca1986 said:


> Well done! Look forward to the update


So here goes the update, will warn you it will probably be as long as the first one. I have very mixed feelings at the minute and feel like I want him back so someone please talk me out of it, this site has helped me get rid of him soo much, I cant be a doormat anymore.

so yesterday morning I told him not to bother coming back then I changed my mind and told him to come back o talk as I wanted to end it properly and for him to get his stuff. He didn't know what I had planned.
I knew he wasn't going to listen to anything I had to say as he normally runs away from his problems and forgets about them so I put everything I had to say down in a letter ready to give him today (Friday) but it happened before then. 

he messaged me at 3 o'clock Thursday saying hes got a surprise for me when he gets home I ask what and he said wait and see so obviously was a bit nervous.
anyway took my daughter to bed at 8 and then laid down on my bed as I felt crap, just starting to get better from a chest infection. 
He arrived home at 8.50ish came in the bedroom asked what was wrong I said nothing, so he goes to the toilet and then downstairs. don't know what it was but I had a gut feeling that he was doing something on his phone whilst he was on the toilet. after he had gone down I got my laptop and signed in to the dating site I caught him on and to my surprise..well not surprise.. he had signed in within he last 10 mins! my heart sank, felt sick and had to run to the toilet. obviously hes making good use of my wifi whilst hes home as he doesn't get it back on camp! 

so text him and said get up here now! but by that point I was mad and went straight down laptop in hand and confronted him, he acted dumb. that's when I went upstairs got the letter I wanted him to have today and threw it at him told him to read it then let me know, then I went back upstairs crying like an idiot.

3 mins if that later, I knew he would of only read the first paragraph or so because hes dyslexic, I heard him getting his army kit and boxes out of the downstairs cupboard. I went down and said have you read it then he said no, hes just had enough, the letter was open so he had read a bit..

that's when he started banging about getting it all ready, he had left his phone on the table so I picked it up, honeslty never seen him move so much in my whole life he grabbed me by my arms and pushed me to the other side of the room, so obviously something to hide, at that point I know I was wrong but I threw his phone across the kitchen.

he then rings his mate who had just drove 3 hours to get him home to come and pick him up and take him back to camp. I put the letter in the side of his bag without him seeing as he wouldn't be in the same room as me. my daughter then woke up saw me crying and started crying, he calmed her down saying he loves her but hes got to go away and wont be back anymore, she clings to him. 

after half hour or so him mate turns up, I argue with his mate then he starts putting a box in the car, I ask for my bank card and house he he wouldn't give me it so I decided to lock him out and not give him his stuff until I get my bank card and key.

30 mins he was outside trying to get in, I have more locks on my door so he couldn't use his key. then he rings the police but before they came I had calmed down and let him in. we spoke he cuddled my daughter again then he was just about to leave when the police turned up. they had to take our side of the stories and get a log number. after that that's it he left. before he went I told him to read the letter when he gets back to were he was going. police later said he was off to his mates for the night. 

11.55 I received a text reading this 'I have read your letter completely and I hope your ok, never ment to hurt you when I pushed u, I feel so bad. as for your letter I never cheated on my ex wife she cheated whilst I was in afghan. I was so madly in love with her until it ended and I never slept with her when I was with you, everything that happened happened when we was on a break which I will regret for the rest of my life. ive only ever loved one more person than my ex wife and that is you. I still love you and it was so hard fighting back the tears when we was arguing that's why I kept moving around the house, don't want you seeing me like that. I know im damaged goods, seriously damagedby the looks of things. the only things that made working away being on camp more bearbale was the thought of coming home to you at weekends and the fact I was working so hard to get medically discharged and my med board date closer so I could be out the army quicker to live as a family. but like always I have destroyed the best thing that happened to me and I will pay for it for the rest of my life. I hope you find someone that will spend every waking minute making you happyand feeling loved and I do wish you all the luck in the world finding that person as you deserve it. as for the dating sites I came home and was on it trying to deactivate it so if u searched you wouldn't find me on any and so that it was no onger taking money out of my account but I couldn't do it. I admit I was on them before we got together and when I was based in Cyprus but never got around to deleting them, I wish I did delete them but I never so its my loss, just wish you all the best because I do love you more than you will ever know. I did try and delete it as soon as I got home because I don't need anything like that anymore, I had you and finally thought I could pull my self togetherwith you, but as I said im damaged goods and you should have so much better than me and please know that I feel bad for pushing you and hope I didn't hurt you. I did ask if I could speak to you before I left but the police said it would be better if I just left so I did. then he put that he hopes my daughter is ok' 

left it then go another text saying 'I will return everything you ever bought me and when I get my payout from the army I will give you 1000 so you can take ruby away on holiday, I just want you to be happy and I know you will now without me in your life, sorry for all the heartache I have given you and I hope that one day you might forgive me and just so you know I do love you and always will princess just please do not do anything silly or stupid, think of your daughter xx' 

I messaged him back just silly talk really asking whys. he has been in touch this morning saying he will come back for his big box when he leaves the army but atm he cannot get it as he has no were to live and put it and he wont be in town until he leaves the army now and finds a house. 

so there we go, now I just need the willpower not to text or ring him and that's slowly going now its sinking in. I had 2 hours sleep if that and cannot eat. I just want him! 
:sleeping::sleeping: sorry if I have bored anyone, hope your still awake.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Be very very careful. That text he sent you, that is his player talk. He IS a player. And the text is him schmoozing you. To make you feel bad, to soften you up. Do not believe a word that comes from his mouth. 

The 1st text was the poor me and the I love you more than anyone, the second was I love you so much this is what I will do for you. Don't believe it. He is probably lying. If he does these things for you and you are not an item, then maybe there is some love. But I would bet that if you stay split, he will no longer have this lovey attitude and give you a £1000. You probably wouldn't get it if you got back with him either. He is just buttering you up.


As for the cancelling his online subscription, what a load of sh*t! If that were the case, he wouldn't spend his 1st moments in your company doing that! He would have done it before returning to you. He was probably seeing if he had any messages. And replying. Why do you think he was supposed to not be seeing you on Thursday? He had a meet up? Did it get cancelled? Course it did! Where did he say he was going....and why he didn't do that anymore? All a ruse, he was hooking up and then it was cancelled.

Imagine him saying all those lovely words to you, to another woman. Words that he would say to his online flirts....your so beautiful, you make my heart beat faster, so lovely to see/speak with you again, you are the highlight of my day.....etc. People like him know all the right buttons to push, and he is just pushing yours. Don't believe it for one second. Think of him just saying whatever works for whatever situation he is in. Nothing more. 

He is a skillful play artist.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Make yourself an online profile and see if you can lure him in. Be careful though, he will very possibly be suspicious. Go gently. Go carefully. But I bet he has not given up his escapades.


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## Carlchurchill (Jan 23, 2013)

The allure of the 'bad boy' is ever strong! 

You have dodged a bullet and now need to focus on yourself and your daughter! Dont let his sob story tug at your heart strings, stay strong!


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

Firstly, I thought you handled that really well. Well done! You know deep down you've done the right thing.

The answer to your question - Why?

_He thought he could get away with it. 
_
It's probably not more complicated than that. Sorry. Everyone wants to be a victim these days. People don't just cheat and lie; they're broken, 'damaged goods'. His whole text has 'Poor me' running all the way through it.

He's the one on dating sites. His choice. Yet he's also managed to be the noble victim at the end of it. (If you let him)

In the midst of that text he seemed to be letting you go, but even that is self-serving.



> I hope you find someone that will spend every waking minute making you happyand feeling loved and I do wish you all the luck in the world finding that person as you deserve it.


I was just about to post when I re-read this quote. He's actually unsettling you even here. He 'hopes' you find someone. No guarantees, of course. It's there to increase your anxiety. And the implication is that you're _going to need_ 'all the luck in the world' to find someone else. More uncertainty for you. 

In short. He's a scumbag and he's playing with your feelings. 

For now look after yourself; you've got to eat. Look after your daughter. Get some rest. If you drink, just give it a swerve for now. Post on here when you're low. Try and get some people around you if you can. 

You started your post saying you don't want to be a doormat anymore. What a difference 24 hours makes. You don't sound like one at all!


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Wow, he's a slick one. Bet he could sell matches in hell. 

You did a very good job by putting your thoughts in a letter - understandably your emotions took over when he so blatantly disrespected your home by checking on his "playdates" on the website. 

Don't look in the rear view mirror look ahead.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Who were you talking about again???....


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## lucylou26 (Mar 20, 2013)

CH said:


> Who were you talking about again???....


What do you mean? X

He turned up last night to talk. And we did. He said he had been reading the letter alot and its all true he does need help. He actually had to go upstairs coz he was going to cry. He has never showed no emotion before ever. He knows what he has lost now and couldnt say sorry enough but I said sorry doesnt mean anything anymore. I cried but said I cant give him no more chances and hes had enough of me. I also said I cant stay with him and wait for him to mess up or cheat again. There is no backing down no matter how upset I am. He keepa hugging me but says he respects my decison. Im glad its ending like this than arguements because he was my best mate. I told him everything about me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

lucylou26 said:


> There is no backing down no matter how upset I am.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Good for you.


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