# Medical bills



## Pianoplayer (Nov 2, 2014)

Should this be a family expense or my expense only. I have thousands of dollars in bills from my cancer. My husband feels that he was paying the mortgage and bills therefore i need to pay for it all with my income. I have contributed but not as much financially. The reason being is that i just got my job one year ago (before that worked part time low paying jobs; son was very sick for a few years and i had to stay home). Before that i often had to charge things. If the family needed groceries, i charged it. My husband was supposed to pay me back but would wait months till he could afford it (he refuses to go into any debt) and only pay me for what he felt was a necessary purchase. Drove me crazy. Meanwhile, interested is being earned on my credit card and i am stuck at home working part time low paying jobs (my son could not go to daycare).


He is so very cheap, that coupled with serious marriage problems i think of divorce in the future however i am worried that it will be too damaging on the children. Or that my cancer will come back and i will lose custody (30% reoccurance rate). I also am having another health issue and getting some further testing for that, need to get a liver biopsy and scans. I have some serious fatigue and many days are diffcult, i don't know if i could do the single parent thing and i have no one to help me.


I also feel that he is a difficult person to be with and feel so very trapped. He feels that if we fight he can name call or attempt to belittle me or tandrum for days on end. The children have told me that he will mock me (hopefully i have put an end to that). It's to the point where i will reluctantly have sex with him. Now, i just recently told him i am done with sex. Why should i have sex with him, he insults me way too often and then acts like we should have sex. If he finds me so disgusting and repulsive (i admit to being very fat now) i do not find the desire to br with him. He latest put down is that i am socially impaired. I do not believe that for a second. He will just blurt it out in an arguement.


I mean this is a man who got all pissy and fought with me over the purchase of a one dollar bottle of water. I was very pregnant, had preterm labor with my last son and my son was thirsty as well. He finally relented but was very upset that i could not wait till we left the mall and got back to the car (we still had to go to another store and there was only half a bottle of water in the car anyhow)

We also fought tonight over paying for the marriage counselor. I have always paid and asked my husband, since i have so much debt and he has thousands in the bank, could he pay. He refused stating i want the counseling and he does not value the marriage counseling. I was so very upset with him, he finally relented. I am also upset that i have read books and went to counseling and have tried very hard to work on the marriage and feel that he has done almost nothing (he quit the last marriage counselor a fews years ago, blamed me for not changing fast enough).


Ok, as i read what i wrote, i feel like i am married to an ******* and completely trapped. I mean he balked at taking off a week for my cancer surgery. I went in last week to the ER for an unplanned CT since the doctor was concerned the cancer may have returned. My hubby was hoping he could still go to work the next day. I was so frustrated. I was like, well gee, i am a little preoccupied that the cancer is back and even if all is fine and i do get discharged, it is already 7pm and i doubt i wll have had much sleep.

I feel so vey trapped. I keep doing to pros and cons of ending the marriage and considering all that is going on in life. I think it is better to continue this marriage. Plus my parents divorce was absolute and complete hell. Thousands spent on lawyers, i know that my husband would be the same. I also know that his family would trash talk about me to the children (which would be hard for them ) and i honestly feel that my husband can be mean to the children and at least if we a marriage i can step in and stop the situation.

I am so angry and so frustrated.


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## dignityhonorpride (Jan 2, 2014)

Pianoplayer, 

Your husband is not a partner. Not right now anyway. I think you need to consult with a lawyer to learn about your rights, because it seems your H doesnt care about what happens to you. I also think you should invest in some individual counseling. I think you'd also be wise to look up and read the FICO forums to learn as much as possible about debt management, negotiation, your rights as a consumer, Etc.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

On one end I agree with him. You should not spend money you don't have. And you seem rather careless with all that. Don't blame him because you didn't follow up with him and get your money back.

On the other hand, he is as careless towards your relationship as you are towards finances.

Funny how that works.

You buys are both feeding each other's carelessness.

2 wrongs don't make a right, that's for sure.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

So you're a business partner he can f$ck. Nice. Doesn't sound like a great way to live.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dignityhonorpride (Jan 2, 2014)

DoF said:


> On one end I agree with him. You should not spend money you don't have. And you seem rather careless with all that. Don't blame him because you didn't follow up with him and get your money back.
> 
> On the other hand, he is as careless towards your relationship as you are towards finances.
> 
> ...


Where are you getting carelessness / wasteful spending? She said she bought groceries with the understanding that her husband would pay her back with the money he's been (apparently) stockpiling.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pianoplayer (Nov 2, 2014)

Lost my post twice.


Yes, not much of a marriage. Lots more yuckiness that i have not posted here. I was sad for say the first ten years but have decided to be happy for the last few despite any negativity, snarkiness or mean words on his end.
We dicussed the finances in great detail and he does not have as much as was in the account (most went to bills) however his in a good spot financially and i am not. He would proclaim i an too free with money and i would say he is incredibly tight with money.

Had a telephone marriage counseling appointment (we fought over payment before the call, i have paid for all of them and he refuses to pay for any of them becuase he does not see the value of marriage counseling). Wow.

Did not even discuss finances in the call. Discussed how his thinking that my thoughts and feelings are often wrong and invalid. He will get angry at me if i am upset over something, i am wrong to feel that way etc. I am not sure if he got the message. Counselor had some wise words for me as well. I really am aiming to improve who i am as a person. He just wants to blame me for everything in the marriage. Likes to accuse me of mental illness wnd being crazy. Put downs, crap like that. The first few years of marriage this made me very said but them i decided to be happy. I really myself, i like myself a lot. 

So for now i am really stuck with the marriage. I feel it is best for the kids and financially and workload wise it benefits me. However, i don't think this is a man i will spend the rest of my life with. If he changes to a better husband i would love to spend my lifetime with him. Surprisingly i still love inspite of everything.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

dignityhonorpride said:


> Where are you getting carelessness / wasteful spending? She said she bought groceries with the understanding that her husband would pay her back with the money he's been (apparently) stockpiling.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She also said "things"

I'm also taking her husbands concerns seriously. What he is saying is true.....and I assume the reason why he is saying it is because OP has a long history of abusing finances.

Is it a true assumption? Maybe not, but a safe one to take based on what I read.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Pianoplayer said:


> So for now i am really stuck with the marriage. I feel it is best for the kids and financially and workload wise it benefits me. However, i don't think this is a man i will spend the rest of my life with.


That's rather selfish of you.

So you are settling into an unhealthy marriage for connivance.

Not smart. Keep in mind you are also damaging your kids by staying...as they are watching your relationship and to THEM, it is the norm.

What they see is what they will apply to THEIR relationship (read, they will be JUST like your husband).

Teach them with action.

DO NOT let them absorb this unhealthy/bad relationship.

Also, rely on NO ONE but yourself. By not doing so you limit your options and become stuck in situations you don't want to be in (like your marriage).


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Piano Player: Calling names and making fun of you behind your back is being verbally and emotionally abusive. Certainly withholding care when you need it is emotionally abusive, as is not taking your opinion into consideration. And the fact the finances are separate to this extreme combined with everything else demonstrates to me a very controlling person.

Has he ever hit you or intimidated you? Often those other behaviors escalate.

Now let me tell you the flip side of leaving. If you are in the US, you have every right to your share of those marital assets and in community property states he is equally obligated for those medical debts.

You are showing your kids what kind of marriage is OK. That you can be mean and immature and ugly to the person you SAY you love. So think of them - do you want THEM to have this kind of marriage? I'm guessing not. I know that's the reason I left a man who was just like that including physically abusive.

I think if you left, you would be surprised at how much BETTER you would feel. Millions of women have dealt with draining situations including a coworker who battled Hodgkin s while going through a divorce and became a single parent to two boys. They are now adults and she has been cancer-free for nearly 10 years.

30%. That's small. 20% less than 50/50. Why stay on the off chance this could recur? Knowing that staying actually INCREASES your chances of it reoccurring. 

Leaving is scary, but it's the fear of the unknown. So in the end when "unknown" become "known" you might just discover there was nothing to be afraid of.


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## Justus3 (Oct 18, 2014)

Pianoplayer said:


> Should this be a family expense or my expense only. I have thousands of dollars in bills from my cancer. My husband feels that he was paying the mortgage and bills therefore i need to pay for it all with my income. I have contributed but not as much financially. The reason being is that i just got my job one year ago (before that worked part time low paying jobs; son was very sick for a few years and i had to stay home). Before that i often had to charge things. If the family needed groceries, i charged it. My husband was supposed to pay me back but would wait months till he could afford it (he refuses to go into any debt) and only pay me for what he felt was a necessary purchase. Drove me crazy. Meanwhile, interested is being earned on my credit card and i am stuck at home working part time low paying jobs (my son could not go to daycare).
> 
> 
> He is so very cheap, that coupled with serious marriage problems i think of divorce in the future however i am worried that it will be too damaging on the children. Or that my cancer will come back and i will lose custody (30% reoccurance rate). I also am having another health issue and getting some further testing for that, need to get a liver biopsy and scans. I have some serious fatigue and many days are diffcult, i don't know if i could do the single parent thing and i have no one to help me.
> ...


Wow :scratchhead: just wow


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## lovelyblue (Oct 25, 2013)

_She also said "things"_

Such as???

What I read was.

She had cancer surgery that cost a lot of money
She brought $1 water and groceries.
She tried to save her marriage by paying for a counselor.

What did you read?


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

Pianoplayer, I am sorry you are dealing with the stress of your marriage and finances atop cancer. I am in remission from bone marrow cancer myself, so I understand the unsurety that you feel. 

I am also beside myself that your husband is so focused on his own financial security that he seems to be leaving alone in so many areas. Right now it feels like you are limited in options.

Yes, separating your finances is a bad sign of a relationship problem...much more than finances alone. It is important that you and H are on the same page...gain some common ground. I suggest taking a Financial Peace University course that will help you guys make a common goal and work together with making a budget, paying off debt, making goals, and having a good retirement.

Dave Ramsey says that in almost every marriage regarding finances you have a nerd and a free spirt. Nerds are all about the numbers and can be irrationally cheap while free spirits have tendency to blow extra money and hate being tied down to a budget. There must be balance. the FPU course talks about this a lot.


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