# Husband is back...update



## guiltygirl (Aug 8, 2008)

Well, my husband returned home from his business trip last night. I was of course very apprehensive. I felt this huge amount of emotion just having him back in the house.

We talked for a couple of hours at least...we cried, we laughed, and we discussed very openly a lot of the issues in our marriage. It was very painful for me to tell him some of the things I feel and have been feeling, but I think it was necessary. Overall, I think it was a good first step to the healing process.

I brought up the book, Mating in Captivity, and he was of course shocked that I picked this book to read. (I told him it was recommended) I read aloud parts of it to him and we discussed how we related to it as a couple. This was a good way for us to begin to make that connection again. Thanks MT

We both have ideas and concerns about the things going on in our marriage, but by the end of our conversation, we began to feel that closeness again. I have missed that.

I still am unsure about a lot of things, but I told him I will try to make an effort to make things work. For me, I can only take it day by day. It's difficult to go from one end of the spectrum where you're ready to pack up and leave, to the other end where everything is the way it used to be. I know we have a lot of work ahead of us. 

Draconis, thanks for your prayers and kind words. My husband admitted to handling his sexual frustration the wrong way and has agreed to work on this. I saw a side of him last night that I have never seen before. He knows without a doubt that he wants this to work. I feel kind of bad...but I still have some doubts, which I admitted to him. Nonetheless, I am going to try, and I do feel a little better about our situation.

As always, sorry so long!


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

That is insiring to read. I hope your husband understands that he needs to connect with you like that every night. I hope that you get your white knight.

draconis


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

I'm glad you are both having a break-through.

You mentioned how I make things complex in your other thread...
Let me turn that around now and say this. Why not learn to understand the simplicity of your husband's sex drive, and enjoy it with him. For men it's - "I get sex, I am happy" or "I don't get sex, I am sad". Yep, that's how simple we are. 

But that makes a contrast to women, who's instruction manual is out of print! Us guys just can't figure women out, which is why we love women I guess. But it's so easy to put a foot wrong.

I've seen people write articles about how to make a woman happy, and you know what, they run for pages and pages, and then when the article comes out, it is quickly superseded by the next one.


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## guiltygirl (Aug 8, 2008)

Thanks Draconis.

MT- I wasn't criticizing you. Your style of writing is intellectually probing, that's all...not a bad thing. I know your right about the sex drive thing. We will keep working on it...but, so far so good.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

guiltygirl said:


> We will keep working on it...but, so far so good.


Cool! Keep us updated, we need a full report with nothing left out. 

I for one love the fact that you write so fully and freely. It's so hard when people try to gain advice for a complex situation, and give you only 5 sentences to go on.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

guiltygirl said:


> We both have ideas and concerns about the things going on in our marriage, but by the end of our conversation, we began to feel that closeness again. I have missed that.
> 
> My husband admitted to handling his sexual frustration the wrong way and has agreed to work on this. I saw a side of him last night that I have never seen before. He knows without a doubt that he wants this to work. I feel kind of bad...but I still have some doubts, which I admitted to him. Nonetheless, I am going to try, and I do feel a little better about our situation.


Hi guiltygirl,

This is all very encouraging. It sounds as though your husband is ready to open up to you and really work on getting the closeness back. I hope this goes miles for you -- to me it's the best medicine for getting that sexual desire back in gear.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

The trouble is, I think guiltygirl gets smothered by closeness, so she is really going to have to let her self go with the flow on this one.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Interesting, I know you have been closer to her posts than me who's just popped in and out so I saw it a little different...I feel smothered if I'm disconnected emotionally from my husband but he still wants sex (then it's a leave me alone feeling but also some guilt because I know that hurts him) but there is still this underlying feeling that any doting on me is geared at getting sex...but when we are openly talking and I'm feeling really close to him and loved he can do those same things (bring flowers, take out the garbage, watch the kids, give me a massage) and it's received entirely different...doesn't make me feel smothered at all.

I think just the open discussions will take a lot of the pressure and feelings of guilt away...hopefully this will be a new beginning...and guiltygirl, letting yourself go as MT says can really make you feel liberated and bring some inner peace


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

swedish-

My wife and I have discussed the whole candlelit dinner thing. Men often think it will buy them sex. My wife says, that for her, romance does not equal sex. If I want sex, I have to turn her on, by getting flirty or sexy. Or I can just ask. Sometimes after really hot sex, I do something romantic. She smiled when I offered to make her breakfast this morning. But when I realised that we did not have her favourite ingredients in the house, I said, if you can wait 10 minuets, I can get x,y,z. I got dressed and quickly bought them from the shop round the corner.

I can tell you, I was highly motivated this morning, due to what had just happened earlier on  And after breakfast, it got even wilder, but that's another story.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Any new updates?

draconis


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## guiltygirl (Aug 8, 2008)

I was unable to get online yesterday because we are getting new carpet and had no network. So, I am quickly resonding with the last ten minutes of my lunch. You guys are great! Thanks for support and, most of all, thanks for making me smile and laugh. 

Quick synopsis: We had a really good weekend overall. We seemed to be really connected and I didn't feel repelled by him, so that's a good thing. I struggle still with the temptation of fantacizing about being oustide the marriage, but this is decreasing with each day. Now that the week has started, things have been stressful, with me starting back teaching, the kids starting school, and all of the remodeling. This week may be a rough week to continue what we started. When I get stressed or focused on something else, I tend to be more distant from him...not intentionally, of course, but my brain get overloaded with everything going on and I worry too much. I know our marriage is a priority, but I don't always make it a priority. I will have to work on that.

MT- Don't hold back. You really made me laugh. I agree with your advice about letting go, and I've been trying to implement that with my husband. I think it has definitely helped both of us. As far as how I write so freely...it's really the only way I know how. My emotions just flow through my fingers onto the keyboard as I write. Writing is really my favorite form of expression. I used to write poetry for my husband all the time and he loved it. I lost the inspiration along the way though.

Swedish- Everything you said explains exactly the way I feel. I can tell my husband is making an effort to take a different approach and it's definitely working for me. Thanks!

Draconis- Thanks for being so sincere and responsive. It has really helped me through this. I would guess that you are a very loyal and caring person just based on your responses. We need more people like you in this world. Thanks a bunch!

Gotta go...I'll keep you posted. I know we still have a ways to go.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

> Draconis- Thanks for being so sincere and responsive. It has really helped me through this. I would guess that you are a very loyal and caring person just based on your responses. We need more people like you in this world. Thanks a bunch!


Thank you for the kind words. I strive to be everything you say.


draconis


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