# Seeing friends linked to EXgf, Tread carefully? Or..



## MikeinTexas (Dec 8, 2017)

Hey fellas,

I've posted on TAM about my 3yr relationship breakup which happened at the start of February. Right after the breakup, a few of my friends took me out to a couple of events, golfing, drinking,etc. Ya know, things we would do for our bro. However, they are connected to my EXgf. They all live in the same neighborhood and their wives are good friends with my EX. I met these guys through my Ex's friends/wives. Good friends during the last couple of years, but they were the only friends I really had. Yes, big mistake to limit my friend circle.

After the first couple of weeks, things quieted down with them. And it's been mostly crickets. We would text "what's up" every once in a while but never hung out.

In the meantime, I've been working on, rediscovering and improving me.

This past weekend, my son had a bday party and I invited one of my friend's son (who was still friends with my son) over. They accepted.

This friend of mine confided with me that he's getting a divorce. His wife had an affair and he found out. He's angry and pissed. Turns out the neighborhood of couples/friends have turned upside down with divorce and all the 40-something women are out dating everyone. He told me how the women who are friends with my EX were telling him to cut his ties with me and he told them to f-k off and grow up. He also gets tired of hearing them talk about their dating experiences on Tinder, etc. especially since they are saying this around his wife.
So he is going to his beach house and asked if I could join him. I'm on the fence. Part of me wants to support my bro like he did for me (he paid for taking me out and making me feel better). But the other part of me is afraid. 
I have made positive progress in moving on from my toxic relationship/EX. I'm hoping that I can reach a feeling of indifference and no longer think about or have thoughts about my EX.
But when he updated me on all the things that were going on though,like hearing the women including my EX talk about their dating experiences, it brought back some emotions that I didn't like. No, he did not go into details, but apparently I still feel uneasy "imagining" my EX doing every guy on Tinder just by being reminded that she's out their dating.

Is this a big risk being there for him? Or not as bad as I think? Do I lay groundrules or boundaries on what he shares with me?

Also, another one of the guys who is in this neighborhood/friend loop and whose wife is friends with my EX was encouraged by her to contact me (she is the only wife who is stable thru all this). The last time I talked with him, he was also frustrated with some of the women in the neighborhood acting shady/****ty and had a hunch that one of them was cheating ( that's my friend I've been talking about). He wants to go grab a beer with me tomorrow. I initially said yes. But now, I'm having second thoughts too. However, we have hung out without mentioning anything about my EX or drama, so there's that possibility.

After typing all this, it almost seems like this is one BIG CLUSTER FK I should avoid. But part of me misses these 2 guys. Yeah, I haven't built up a new friend base as well as I would have liked. So either I need to move on or be there for these 2 guys and return the favor they did for me when I was hurting.

What do you think?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

These guys did not cheat on you...
Your wife did.

Friends are hard to make, hard to keep.

Keep them.
How can they harm you more?

Do not share anything with them that you do not want to get back to your Ex-Wife.
Life is short, nobody is perfect.

Let these friends see a happy man, a good man. Fake the happiness, if you must.
Let that sink in. Into the belly of the other bellyachers.


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

These two guys sound like good peeps and good "friends of marriage" type of folks. What happens if you simply tell them that you will agree to hang out however you have zero interest in hearing any stories of ex-wife or the craycray female friends?

Why do you think you can't move on while also being there for/hanging out with them?


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## BarbedFenceRider (Mar 30, 2018)

The guys could use a hero right about now... It would also be kinda cathartic for you to be able to generate NEW times and memories with those close to you without the addition of the EX. Over time it gets easier. If one of them starts going down "memory lane" with the exes, get it turned right around and be up front that discussing and dealing with past bull ish is not worth your time or theirs....


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## MikeinTexas (Dec 8, 2017)

Just an update:
Went out with my bro this week. He's not the one dealing with the cheating wife.

It went better than I expected!

I felt and acted confident and had many laughs ( and this was before my first pint).

About an hr into catching up, he did ask about my dating life. I paused, and he immediately said I don't have to say anything. That he respects my privacy. I did tell him that he his wife is good friends with my EXGF and could see it going back to her. He said he and his wife don't share everything with each other. I told him I'm casually dating and that there are a lot of girls out there. Just kept it very general. No details. And my bro encouraged me to keep doing my thing. 

I learned that my bro's wife figured I would be engaged by now. Not sure what the hell that meant because my EXGF painted me as non-committal towards marriage and I'd bet the house my EXGF bit-ched about me and my lack of commitments to all her friends. She uses solely anger, hatred, etc. to get over me. She used this strategy when we broke up in the past. And I felt that turned to resentment when we got back together briefly. It never felt the same!
I guess that's one reason it's best not to get back together, eh?

Whatever.

Ok, enough of my EXGF.

After, I felt that me pausing and being reluctant to tell him was weak. But a good friend said it was good because it was me stating my boundaries.

My bro never brought up my EXGF or any of the other girlfriends of my EXGF. It was just about us really. So it was cool.

As for my other bro married to the cheater. We were going to get together today, but the last thing I know was that he wasn't likelt going to his beach house. He told me he and his wife were going to counseling yesterday. So seeing him probably will fall thru.

I did text him this morning to see what's up. Leave the ball in his court because I'd rather not pressure him. But he is the kind of dude that will bottle up all his ****.

We'll see.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

MikeinTexas said:


> Just an update:
> Went out with my bro this week. He's not the one dealing with the cheating wife.
> 
> It went better than I expected!
> ...


Jumping into MC right off the bat???? Big mistake. 10-1 the MC blames him for her affair. Relay the TAM info so he has some help. He'll need it.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

please tell your friend who was cheated on to get on here ASAP. DO NOT keep his **** bottled up. Rugsweeping with cause him SERIOUS issues and will not resolve anything. PLEASE tell him to get on this site -- there are tons of people here who can help guide him, whether he wants to D or R...


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## MikeinTexas (Dec 8, 2017)

The last I had a text interaction with my friend (whose wife cheated on him) was last Thursday. I sent him a text on Friday and there was no response. So I sent another on Saturday, the day we were going to meet, and still no answer.

Sometimes he can be a bit aloof, so I don't want to read into it too much , but I wouldn't rule out that his wife is trying to keep me away since she likely knows I've dealt with a cheating wife and that I dumped her BFF when she "cheated" with checking out men online.
So I could be Public Enemy #1.

Or he is just being a lazy ass.

I plan to text him later today to see what the heck is up.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

MikeinTexas said:


> The last I had a text interaction with my friend (whose wife cheated on him) was last Thursday. I sent him a text on Friday and there was no response. So I sent another on Saturday, the day we were going to meet, and still no answer.
> 
> Sometimes he can be a bit aloof, so I don't want to read into it too much , but I wouldn't rule out that his wife is trying to keep me away since she likely knows I've dealt with a cheating wife and that I dumped her BFF when she "cheated" with checking out men online.
> So I could be Public Enemy #1.
> ...


Don't read into it Learning his wife cheated on him might not leave him in the mood to see anyone, including the ex of his cheating wife's bff. 

Don't take it personally, has nothing to do with you.


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## MikeinTexas (Dec 8, 2017)

Hey there Brooklyn. That's a good point he likely doesn't want to talk to anybody and I would lean in more of that directionthan taking it personally. I think that's my overthinking.

I think I'll just let him know that I'm here for him if he needs to talk. Send him a link to TAM.

And that's it. 

Don't wanna pressure him as much as it sucks to know he hurts, angry and is likely embarrassed, etc. 

He's a grown ass man, but I would hate to see him handle it the wrong way.


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