# Can exposure stop this?



## Bentley'sMom (Jul 10, 2012)

Hi, I have an interesting situation. Husband left a few months ago, he did not make any real decisions to divorce and was vaguely talking about reconciling. I found out he is now living with a coworker and they rented an apartment together. I started divorce proceedings and he is going along with them. I've also exposed the affair to family and now told people we are divorcing. He is angry, obviously. He also mentioned he had feelings for me a while back. Question is - is this an exit affair and will exposing stop it? I really don't think I can take him back but feel so angry he thinks he can do this, that I want to split the up....
He's also still denying it all, probably because they could get fired, and his reputation will be shot to bits


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

You need to stick to D, he's only playing with you to keep you as a backup and he knows he's losing you. You do not need this man in your life anymore. Expose it


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

Bentley'sMom said:


> Hi, I have an interesting situation. Husband left a few months ago, he did not make any real decisions to divorce and was vaguely talking about reconciling. I found out he is now living with a coworker and they rented an apartment together. I started divorce proceedings and he is going along with them. I've also exposed the affair to family and now told people we are divorcing. He is angry, obviously. He also mentioned he had feelings for me a while back. Question is - is this an exit affair and will exposing stop it? I really don't think I can take him back but feel so angry he thinks he can do this, that I want to split the up....
> He's also still denying it all, probably because they could get fired, and his reputation will be shot to bits


He is actually living with her and wants to keep it a secret? Is he that stupid?

Frankly, by the fact that he is living with her, it is technically already "exposed" (out in the open). What is there to deny at this point? Personally, I would not keep this information a secret, so I supposed by exposing it he and his OW would have to deal with the consequences, but I would not make that my problem. It is what it is.


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## Bentley'sMom (Jul 10, 2012)

He is stupid, for a highly successful business man! It's like he has gone through a complete personality change. I really would like to tell their work, but then he'd probably get fired and I'd lose my proposed spousal support. I'd love for the homewrecker of a woman to get fired to, but I'm kind of stuck on that one...


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I would expose anyway at their work. He can always get a new job, but unless he is her supervisor or she his, they won't get fired, but will get grief.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bentley'sMom (Jul 10, 2012)

They work for the same group but at different media agencies (in the same building) The reason agencies do that is conflict of interest with clients, so yes they could certainly both get fired.
They are both also senior people and there would be moral issues and questions of integrity. My lawyer advises I don't but I want everyone to see what immoral cowards they are and hit them where it hurts - their reputations and pocket

Bearing in mind we are not even officially separated!


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I guess it depends what your goal is.

Your lawyers goal is to get as much $ for you in the D. So him having his job dies that, but it also means no husband to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bentley'sMom (Jul 10, 2012)

It's a difficult one. I can't take him back, but I don't think he should get away with it. As I've told people about the divorce, and as we have lots of mutual friends (some at his work) and that he is secretly living with her, I was wondering if this would naturally cause a rift with them and stop it.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

I assume you have kids? That would be another reason to break them up (at least for me); the thought of the OW playing mom to my kids would make me vomit.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bentley'sMom (Jul 10, 2012)

No kids but a lot invested together - 12 years and nearly 6 married.
Them being together and getting away with a really wicked act of deceit makes me want to vomit!


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

Bentley'sMom said:


> It's a difficult one. I can't take him back, but I don't think he should get away with it. As I've told people about the divorce, and as we have lots of mutual friends (some at his work) and that he is secretly living with her, I was wondering if this would naturally cause a rift with them and stop it.




Step 1: Obtain proof (as much as you can) that they do, in fact live together and for how long.

Step 2: Say nothing until you are awarded spousal support, signed by the Judge.

Step 3: Expose!

You see, once the spousal support has been awarded to you, the ONLY way it changes is when he petitions the court for modification. He would have to lose his job, decrease his income, get an attorney again, and file a request with the court. In other words the spousal support, once set in stone, cannot be altered without a court order regardless of his financial situation.

So you see, it's still a bit of a gamble, however it's also possible that he gets to keep his job, or he gets another job with equal pay, or he has to jump through all those legal "hoops" to get the spousal support decreased.

As for the OW, who cares, right?


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## Bentley'sMom (Jul 10, 2012)

Good advice, thanks.
I have all the proof from bank statements, and e-mails already (it's how I found out).
I hope all the pressure on them is making them unhappy, as well. They can't go anywhere together in case they are seen, idiots


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

What is your ultimate goal?

You appear resigned to divorcing this scumbag. I know you want to get revenge but don't bite off your nose to spite your face. If he gets fired, there's no guarantee that he'll find a job soon. In fact, he might just up and leave and not tell you his whereabouts. Because there are no kids involved your situation is not as complicated. Take his money and get on with your life. The Karma Bus is headed their way.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

What is your goal? Do you want him back? Do you wnat to R? If you have outed this affair to his family and friends then it looks like you are done. If he is living with the co worker then that persons spouse or boyfriend already knows.

Sounds like you know you need to move on but it is hard for you to close the door on your marriage. 

Are you seeing an IC?

You are at a fork in the road which way are you going to turn?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

The only thin that can stop an affair is if someone in the affair (or both parties to it) nip it in the bud themselves.

Exposure is always a great thing, IMO, but it has zero guarantees of killing an affair.

I wouldn't focus on that, though. He's moved out and hasn't ended it as far as you know so continue on w/ the divorce. 

If he truly wante to end it, he would and he woul work on your marriage.

YOU deserve way better. Let him go.


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## Bentley'sMom (Jul 10, 2012)

Thanks, I know I deserve better, but it is hard.
He suddenly left and never explained and still won't, that is hard to deal with. He also left me alone as I moved to the US to be with him and all my family are back home.
He knows me, and knows I won't take him back and I've been very angry with him, so maybe I should try the 180 and see if it works. I don't want him but I'd love him to leave her and come back so I can kick him to the curb!
I want him to feel bad and I don't want them together, that's my ultimate goal. This woman has been after him for ages and I despise her. She even flirted with him in front of me. I warned him about her.I don't want her to feel she has 'won' or him to feel he can just brush me under the carpet


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

Bentley'sMom said:


> Thanks, I know I deserve better, but it is hard.
> He suddenly left and never explained and still won't, that is hard to deal with. He also left me alone as I moved to the US to be with him and all my family are back home.
> He knows me, and knows I won't take him back and I've been very angry with him, so maybe I should try the 180 and see if it works. I don't want him but I'd love him to leave her and come back so I can kick him to the curb!
> *I want him to feel bad and I don't want them together, that's my ultimate goal.* This woman has been after him for ages and I despise her. She even flirted with him in front of me. I warned him about her.I don't want her to feel she has 'won' or him to feel he can just brush me under the carpet


I understand what you're going through. There were days when I wanted to crush my ex wife and let her experience a fraction of the pain that she caused me. I have over 200 pages of explicit FB and email conversations between her and the OM that I could've sent to the world with the click of a mouse. However, she is the mother of my children and her ruination would deeply affect them -- so I restrained myself.

In your case, if money is no object then by all means destroy his life. Keep in mind, however, that doing so will not make your feel any better. Well, maybe in the short term. You will only make yourself out to be a vindictive shrew and everyone will wonder why he didn't leave you sooner. This will be other people's perception -- not reality. 

I would focus my energy on improving myself. There are other men out there that would love to have a woman like you. Let him go and know that he will eventually get what's coming to him. As for the OW, leave her alone. None of this could've transpired without the involvement of your STBXH. Good luck.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

If you haven't got kids, then I'd do the exposure at work.

you're going to be getting your share of the joint assets either way, and after 6 years you won't be getting rich on any alimony either.

You should do what you feel is best for your future, but I'd blow it up. But I'm a guy who really really doesn't like cheaters.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I know you don't want to feel like she "won" but what would she win? A man who has no problems straight up betraying his wife and moving out on her w/ nary a word? 

That isn't a prize for "winning." That is the exact opposite of "winning."

My advice is to bow out gracefully. Do not let him into your head at all. He wanted out, so give it to him full speed. Do not cling. Do not beg. Do not hang on. No more. Be done with him. If he asks what's going on tell him "I refuse to be in a marriage with third parties and where one spouse is having an affair. I deserve better."

Kapiche.


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## Bentley'sMom (Jul 10, 2012)

I hate cheaters! I always thought he did, too.
Problem is I don't work, we have an expensive apartment that could take a while to sell, and my lawyers think I could get 3 years support of half his salary or there abouts....
Maybe I just bide my time, let him sweat knowing people know he is divorcing, so he can't be seen with her (I don't think he'll ever be able to due to the company conflict of interest issues) and then get my half of assets and then expose (if they still manage to be together!) Thanks!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Don't "bide your time." Why give him the satisfaction? 

He wants out so let him go. Don't be clingy. 

Get a job and start saving while you prepare for the divorce.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

Bentley'sMom said:


> Thanks, I know I deserve better, but it is hard.
> He suddenly left and never explained and still won't, that is hard to deal with. He also left me alone as I moved to the US to be with him and all my family are back home.
> He knows me, and knows I won't take him back and I've been very angry with him, so maybe I should try the 180 and see if it works. I don't want him but I'd love him to leave her and come back so I can kick him to the curb!
> I want him to feel bad and I don't want them together, that's my ultimate goal. This woman has been after him for ages and I despise her. She even flirted with him in front of me. I warned him about her.I don't want her to feel she has 'won' or him to feel he can just brush me under the carpet


I hear ya! I do believe that every BS has gone through those sort of thought. Humiliation. Pay Back. Revenge. And yes, it is extremely hard to take the high road. I know this. 

Yes. You should do the 180. For yourself. Put yourself first. Take care of yourself and look to your future with faith in yourself. Sometimes the best revenge is living well. 

And, of course, if later you decide to pull the plug on your WS's little love nest, you have that option. But at that point you might not care anymore. The OW now has the loser and Karma has a way of taking care of things anyway.

The choice is yours. I understand where you are coming from perfectly. Just put yourself first on the list. Try not to focus on them so much. If you don't get them, Karma will. Try the 180.


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## Bentley'sMom (Jul 10, 2012)

You are all right, thanks. HE'S the one with everything to lose, a loyal woman, his money, his dog, his career and reputation..all for a scrawny homewrecker. That's why it's so hard to believe! Maybe when he realises how much his 'loveless marriage' (his words) will cost him, he'll wake up and see his mistake. Of course, unless he feels she is all worth it, who knows and soon I'm sure I won't care. Right now it's all a bit too raw


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## Readytogo (Jul 11, 2012)

Let him go and don't look back. If you focus too much on what happens to him/them. You'll be wasting time on you. Focus on the divorce and think about you. Once a cheater, always a cheater.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Get all the money, treaten him subtly to get it.
Once is all secure expose the homewerker.


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## Bentley'sMom (Jul 10, 2012)

Update: The scumbag has just cancelled by joint credit card.
His self righteous indignation at me is hilarious, considering what he has done. I have informed my lawyer.
Why do men change like this? Maybe she is poisoning him or is this the 'fog' I have heard about?


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

Bentley'sMom said:


> Update: The scumbag has just cancelled by joint credit card.
> His self righteous indignation at me is hilarious, considering what he has done. I have informed my lawyer.
> *Why do men change like this? *Maybe she is poisoning him or is this the 'fog' I have heard about?


It's not just men that change.


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## Bentley'sMom (Jul 10, 2012)

I know, I should have said 'people' once in an affair....


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