# Text to new co-worker



## SadLovingHusband (Apr 21, 2011)

So my WW and I are almost a year and a half past D-Day and doing well. No problems have come up, and we are both really making time for each other and are committed to the relationship and making it stronger. Things have been pretty hectic the last few months, as my wife has gone back to work for the first time in 8 years (she was a SAHM). I occasionally check up on her (without her knowing it) as I have a keylogger and know all of her passwords for her email and Facebook. No red flags at all for the last year and a half. I also on occasion will check her phone for text messages or calls, and have never found anything suspicious. I also have access to the phone records and can check numbers she has called (but not texted we have Sprint). 

At the end of May, she texted me and said she was going out for Happy Hour with some people from work, as they had just finished up their big project and people wanted to go out for a drink. I honestly was a bit uneasy about her going out, as I don't know a soul that she works with (she's only been there a few months). She said she'd be home by dinnertime, so I figured it wasn't a big deal. Plus, she didn't ask if it was okay, she just said she was going. At any rate, she was home when she said she would be, she was only at the bar for an hour or hour and a half. Everything has been normal since then, but last night I happened to go through her phone messages, and on that night, she texted a male co-worker and told him to have a good trip (he was apparently going out of state). She sent him a 2nd text with her name on it (apparently he may not know who the first text was from?). He simply replied 'Thanks ', and that was the end of the texts, at least what was left on her phone. 

I checked her phone records, and she had never made a call to that number before and hasn't made one since, and there are no texts from him since that day, at least that she hasn't deleted. 

She is home every day promptly after work, and she has not gone out without me since that day either, so I don't really suspect that anything has happened, I am just really bothered by her sharing phone numbers with a male co-worker and initiating a text message with him. Am I overreacting? She obviously must have gotten in the car that night after their work happy hour and then sent him the text. Why would she need to reach out to him in that instance? To me, it's inappropriate given the circumstances, but I don't think it's a big enough deal to call her out on it. I plan to continue to monitor her texts and other communication, but wanted some feedback from others.


----------



## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

I think you are looking for trouble.


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I would at least see if you can start meeting her coworkers


----------



## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

I don't see this one singular text as a red flag. 

The only women I am in contact with are some clients and some mom's of kids that my kids play sports with. 

I can easily see myself in a conversation with someone about them going on a trip. Maybe the conversation got interrupted by something (game is over, someone had to leave, etc.) and she felt the need to send the text to complete their discussion.

There are tons of things that will happen that in a healthy relationship, nobody would think about, but with a WW, suspicion is part of the package.

Your wife is a WW, so I can see why you are checking on her. My advice is to keep doing so, now and then.


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

I see that you're back and it appears that your WW is falling back into her old bad habits and you're allowing this. Why? Might I remind you of your WW's behavior when she goes to bars? I'm suprised that you won't stand up to her. Let me bring up your past posts:



SadLovingHusband said:


> The more recent situation where the guy kissed her at the bar, she was out for a 'girls night' with her friends. We both on occasion will go out with our friends and have some drinks and a night out. She has a group of friends that try to get together for a night out, happy hour or whatever maybe once a month or so.





SadLovingHusband said:


> 6 years ago when I found out she was going to see the other man, and she poo poo it as nothing, she was having an EA with him. She had been depressed and distant from me, had pawned it off to hating her job and being homesick. I supported her in finding a new job and also with her going home to visit friends and family on the weekends when she wanted to (her family lived about 2 hours away). During this time, she continued to want to crawl into a hole when she was home with me. She wasn't interested in spending time with me, and was really withdrawn. From what she has new worked out with her IC and our MC, is that she had deep issues related to trust and intimacy, and couldn't give herself fully to the relationship. She could feel that something was wrong, that she wasn't happy in our relationship, and eventually turned the blame on me. It was easier to blame me than to try to dig deep and deal with her own problems. So she blamed me for her unhappiness and turned away from me. She then turned to the other man to make herself feel better. Her EA with this first man (the one I found the email about), turned into a PA, but she claims they only kissed and fondled each other on top of their clothes. On a trip to her hometown, she was supposed to meet up with this first man, but the plans didn't work out. She ended up at a bar and saw a 2nd man that she knew from HS, and ended up talking and flirting with him, and it eventually led to the sexual encounter that she disclosed.


Do you see the pattern here? Your WW has very loose boundaries, even now after cheating on you twice already. Your WW should NOT be going to bars for happy hour without you period. This is where it has begun with her according to her past history of cheating. What the hell is this happy hour crap? And really, who suggest the happy hour get together at a bar with her coworkers, that she didn't even bother to ask you or invite you to, I might add? And now she's texting some guy, albeit innocent for now, and didn't tell you about it? How could she do this knowing full well what she did to you before?

Sorry to be harsh, but you need to wake up. You've been burned before like this, so you should know better. You need to have a serious talk with her about boundaries. Did you talk about this before? No GNOs, and no going to bars without you. If she's resistant to that, then you know she's not serious about R, and is just falling back into her old habits. You need to put your foot down, otherwise you will be back here posting about OM#3.


----------



## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

lamaga said:


> I think you are looking for trouble.


This......definitely.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

We're about at the same point past Dday as you, and if I saw a text like that I would not hesitate to question it. I would be upset. Waywards MUST have far stricter boundaries than most people. If they don't, they are not showing true remorse.

And considering the history, yeah, it's a problem.

I wouldn't rugsweep this if I were you.


----------



## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

Of course I can't speak for your wife, but if I were being checked on like you are her, I wouldn't let the door hit me on the way out.


----------



## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Maybe it is just me..but why do people have coworkers cell phone numbers, all the years I have worked with male coworkers unless it is a work cell phone number, an emergency on call number, I do not have their personal cell phone number..why would I need it??? To me unless somethng was going on personally why would I give a male coworker my personal cell phone number and vice versa...


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Everyone at my work just has the one cell phone, for work and personal.


----------



## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

I have a lot of coworkers phone numbers. Both male and female. It all depends on the nature of the job.


----------



## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Don't call her out on it. You can't reprimand her on every move. Sooner or later she has to pro actively realise where appropriate boundaries lay otherwise you'll play chaperon for the rest of your marriage. 

Monitor and see how it develops. Consider it her first test of reconciliation.


----------



## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Okay..so it is just me. Sorry but it still would make me wonder about it...

It is one thing to verbally say have a good holiday but to make the point of sending a personal text to a coworker.....not sure if I would like that. I am thinking now with H's history if he was sending texts to a female coworker, as innocent as it would be, I wouldnt be comfortable with it.


----------



## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

I think you're a little paranoid about this text (understandably).

However happy hours and GNO's were the motivator for her cheating so something must be done about that.

Why can't you meet her at one of these work happy hours?
That way you can meet these people and you can make them aware of your presence.

Start going out with her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

dormant said:


> Of course I can't speak for your wife, but if I were being checked on like you are her, I wouldn't let the door hit me on the way out.


Yup, cheaters don't like to be checked on. I wonder why that is? This one's a serial cheater. Remember this?



dormant said:


> You believe she won't do it again....
> 
> I think it is like any other behavior. The first time is the hardest. Her second time will be easier for her.


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

highwood said:


> Okay..so it is just me. Sorry but it still would make me wonder about it...
> 
> It is one thing to verbally say have a good holiday but to make the point of sending a personal text to a coworker.....not sure if I would like that. I am thinking now with H's history if he was sending texts to a female coworker, as innocent as it would be, I wouldnt be comfortable with it.


Exactly. Someone who has cheated and is truly trying with all their might can NOT be doing these things. If they don't want to answer to their spouse, then they should get out of the marriage. Whether it's one month or ten years after D day, they do NOT get any free passes.


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Hope1964 said:


> Exactly. Someone who has cheated and is truly trying with all their might can NOT be doing these things. If they don't want to answer to their spouse, then they should get out of the marriage. Whether it's one month or ten years after D day, they do NOT get any free passes.


:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

That's why I see a regression back into bad behavior here.


----------



## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> :iagree: :iagree: :iagree:
> 
> That's why I see a regression back into bad behavior here.


:iagree:

old habits die hard, it's all about boundaries....


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Context makes all the difference here. For most folks these two things would seem like nothing. 

Given the history they are of some concern as this could signal a return to her previous behavior. 

Again under normal circumstance she handled the happy hour well, letting him know and keeping the time reasonable. That said I am used to female co-workers meeting up with their hubbys at some point with these. Not always but that seems to be a good idea to me.

This said, my concern in this case would be that she just set a precedent of letting him know she is going to happy hour. The real trigger happens with the next one. If this starts to rekindle the previous life style this would be a huge problem. Indeed her going without calling him would be an issue for sure. Her being late would also be a flag.

The text may also be a precedent. It appears she is intiating texting with this guy. Under normal cicumstances this one event seems ok but was the text really required. Thinking she had a few drinks and lowered her guard. I suspect she will miss him on his trip.

I would monitor the texting. I would talk to her about her expectations for future happy hours. 

Have you guys done His Needs Her Needs and established boundaries for opposite sex friends, co-workers, happy hours and alcohol usage amongst others? Best to agree on these very soon. 

I am thinking that you have personal boundaries around her texting other men. Not sure there is an official boundary on what the limits are here that you both agreed to. What are your boundaries as it pertains to these happy hours? What have you agreed to?


----------



## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

Since she's cheated before, she has to have tighter boundaries. You're right to be concerned about the text message, but don't let her know you're monitoring. But you need to pay close attention to her behavior and watch all texts.

As E3k says, now, in light of her happy hour with co-workers, would be a great time to address boundaries. You should include the subject of text messages, without letting her know what you know. She has to know clearly what's acceptable and appropriate.


----------



## kenmoore14217 (Apr 8, 2010)

SLH, does it rally matter. This is the end result of living with a cheater isn't it. Always looking over your or their shoulder to see if everything is on the up and up. I understand deep undivided love and protecting children, but if it makes someone 1/2 a woman or 1/2 a man than it's not worth it, period !! Better to be whole to your spouse and children and abide by principles.


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

kenmoore14217 said:


> SLH, does it rally matter. This is the end result of living with a cheater isn't it. Always looking over your or their shoulder to see if everything is on the up and up. I understand deep undivided love and protecting children, but if it makes someone 1/2 a woman or 1/2 a man than it's not worth it, period !! Better to be whole to your spouse and children and abide by principles.


The whole point here is that it isn't the BS who has to monitor the WS - it's the WS responsibility to be totally up front and aware of their boundaries. There's a learning curve, but hopefully the WS will eventually GET IT and be an open book. Then the BS doesn't have to wonder - they will KNOW.


----------



## SadLovingHusband (Apr 21, 2011)

This was the only happy hour she has been to with this group of work friends. There were none before this and none since. It was supposedly just because they finished their 2-month long project. They will be finishing up the latest project in 2-weeks, so I will address the issue of the happy hours before then. 

Me going with was not an option as it was supposedly a last minute decision for her to go, and we didn't have a sitter. 

We have discussed text messaging with members of the opposite sex and how it is not appropriate for either of us. There was no reason whatsoever for this man to have her cell phone number or her to have his. The fact that she initiated the texting is what bothers me the most. As someone previously mentioned, it wasn't necessary to wish him well via text, as that opened the door for future texts. She could have wished him well in person or not at all. 

Now this strange man has my wife's cell phone number. Who is to say that he hasn't or won't text her again? As far as I can tell, he has not and she has not texted him. 

The fact that she didn't delete the text conversation on her phone over the last month would allude to it not being that big of a deal in her eyes, or she can't imagine I would check her phone.


----------



## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

So, SLH, the result of you posting here is that your (probably irrational) fears have gotten all jacked up.

I doubt that's going to be good for anything, but do what you need to. But what does this behavior buy you? Peace of mind? Apparently not.


----------



## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

SadLovingHusband said:


> This was the only happy hour she has been to with this group of work friends. There were none before this and none since. It was supposedly just because they finished their 2-month long project. They will be finishing up the latest project in 2-weeks, so I will address the issue of the happy hours before then.
> 
> Me going with was not an option as it was supposedly a last minute decision for her to go, and we didn't have a sitter.
> 
> ...




Or she did imagine you would check? BOUNDARIES! possibly your being tested?


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

She probably doesn't even realize she made a huge boo boo. TALK to her. Let her know you found it and that it bothers you. That way she can apologize, you can feel better, and she can change her future behaviour.

I'm over 2 years past our first D day and I still check my hubby's emails and stuff every once in a while. When I saw a personal conversation in his work email that was a little too chummy for me, between him and a woman in another province that works with him via phone and email a lot, I brought it up and let him know why it bothered me. He hadn't even thought about it being inappropriate till I said so, but when I did he was very sorry and has kept things totally professional ever since. So now, instead of feeling even MORE like I need to watch what he and she are saying, I can relax knowing we're on the same page.


----------



## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

I second the idea of just talking to her.

If she truly understands what her cheating has done to the relationship, she will appreciate the chance to explain and make things right, and you'll feel a lot better.

If she gets all snippy, just remember she violated your boundary - again - and she doesn't seem to care. Now you have something to worry about.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

lamaga said:


> So, SLH, the result of you posting here is that your (probably irrational) fears have gotten all jacked up.
> 
> I doubt that's going to be good for anything, but do what you need to. But what does this behavior buy you? Peace of mind? Apparently not.


He got advice. His concerns were validated by some and blown off by others. He came away with what we all come away with when we reach out to others. Different perspectives.

In his case he got advice to communicate with his wife and ensure that boundaries have been set.

It is your opinion that his concerns are irrational. Why should he discount her previous behavior here? When a WS betrays trust the burden is on them to not disrespect boundaries. It is the BS right to validate this behavior. He is doing this.

What is truly irrational was her behavior as it pertained to her affair(s). That caused the current situation.

I absolutely agree that fear is the worst thing. But in this case the fear to avoid is fear to assess and address the situation. 

If he did not care about his wife and his marriage it would be normal to expect him to be ambivalent here.


----------



## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

OP, if electronic transparency is a core marital value, and you've discussed it previosly, then having a conversation reminding her about your mutual understanding is in order. See if there is a way she will open up to discuss if there's something she's forgotten to tell you. If she admits it, don't give her a hard time, just go over your mutual understanding again. If you are in doubt about your understanding, the book Boundaries is Marriage by Cloud & Towsend may be in order for the two of you to work through.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

SadLovingHusband said:


> We have discussed text messaging with members of the opposite sex and how it is not appropriate for either of us. There was no reason whatsoever for this man to have her cell phone number or her to have his. *The fact that she initiated the texting is what bothers me the most.* As someone previously mentioned, it wasn't necessary to wish him well via text, as that opened the door for future texts. She
> could have wished him well in person or not at all.


This should bother you.



SadLovingHusband said:


> Now this strange man has my wife's cell phone number. Who is to say that he hasn't or won't text her again? As far as I can tell, he has not and she has not texted him.


IMO, you should continue to monitor.



SadLovingHusband said:


> The fact that she didn't delete the text conversation on her phone over the last month would allude to it not being that big of a deal in her eyes, or she can't imagine I would check her phone.


Cheaters have a different thinking. This text, she might think, you might gloss over, even if you see it. And she can gain momentum from there, eh?


----------



## Unsure in Seattle (Sep 6, 2011)

Really getting sick of posters with legit concerns being blown off or belittled. TAM isn't (necessarily) a place to "get your fears jacked up"*- it's a place to gather opinions, take consensus and get advice. That's what going on here. Lamaga, this is the second time in the past few days that you've gone into a male poster's thread to tell them that they are being irrational over something where the majority of posters think differently. While you're certainly welcome to your opinion (indeed, we all are), I wish that you would stop to think about empathy, sensitivity and belittlement before posting. This doesn't seem like you- I've certainly enjoyed your posts in the past, and I don't understand what's going on... but, unfortunately, I won't be following your posts anymore. If you can't empathize because it's a male poster... that's really too bad. I sincerely hope that's not the case.

That being said, the OP is ALLOWED, regardless of your opinion or mine, to have some doubt and same paranoia in light of his WW's past. If there were no cheating past, I'd be right there with you. In this case, there is.

I think that the best solution, in this case, is dialogue reinforcing what your expectations of boundaries are, OP.


*tho' that DOES happen


----------



## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Its been 18 months---and your wife has broken at least 2 boundaries

It is something to be concerned about---cause she broke boundaries----plain and simple

She had sex with a stranger just 18 months ago---and here she is texting another man---that is out of line, and you know it---also just going and telling you she is going out drinking---is out of line

She is still a cheater, and she is spose to be in R. mode---that means she doesn't do anything to cause you triggers/problems/destroying the family more than has already been done

I am sorry but you need to come down, and come down hard----you are not controlling her, if that is what you think---if she wants to go to a bar drinking---SHE F'ing asks 1st---and she does not text/phone/e-mail other men AT ALL FOR ANY REASON


----------



## Mrs1980 (May 6, 2011)

Unsure in Seattle said:


> Really getting sick of posters with legit concerns being blown off or belittled. TAM isn't (necessarily) a place to "get your fears jacked up"*- it's a place to gather opinions, take consensus and get advice. That's what going on here. Lamaga, this is the second time in the past few days that you've gone into a male poster's thread to tell them that they are being irrational over something where the majority of posters think differently. While you're certainly welcome to your opinion (indeed, we all are), I wish that you would stop to think about empathy, sensitivity and belittlement before posting. This doesn't seem like you- I've certainly enjoyed your posts in the past, and I don't understand what's going on... but, unfortunately, I won't be following your posts anymore. If you can't empathize because it's a male poster... that's really too bad. I sincerely hope that's not the case.
> 
> That being said, the OP is ALLOWED, regardless of your opinion or mine, to have some doubt and same paranoia in light of his WW's past. If there were no cheating past, I'd be right there with you. In this case, there is.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

I've noticed some "newer" members that seem to always think the BS is crazy. Why come to the CWI section if you don't want to read about the all the "crazies" and their "paranoia".


----------



## Unsure in Seattle (Sep 6, 2011)

But YOU are a newer member! NOOOOOOOOOOO 


I hate being harsh, but I'm starting to see what seem to be gender-based lines drawn 'round these parts, and it makes me angry. We should be as blind to gender (hopefully) as possible, and try to give the best advice that we can, regardless of who it's for. And, if it's someone you can't or don't want to help- YOU DON'T POST. The system works!


----------



## Zanna (May 10, 2012)

You are not being irrational or looking for trouble.

Your fears are understandable.

Infidelity changes the fabric of a marriage possibly forever, but at least for 2-5 years post D-day.

Post D-day, the rules or boundaries or whatever you want to call them have to change. It's a fact. If your WW didn't want to be monitored and/or suspected, she shouldn't have acted without integrity or honor in the first place. Hello consequences. And unfortunately as the BS, we have to deal with a whole lot of consequences for something we had no choice in in the first place.

Happy hour in a bar for a wife caught cheating in a bar? Um...no.


----------



## Mrs1980 (May 6, 2011)

Unsure in Seattle said:


> But YOU are a newer member! NOOOOOOOOOOO
> 
> 
> I hate being harsh, but I'm starting to see what seem to be gender-based lines drawn 'round these parts, and it makes me angry. We should be as blind to gender (hopefully) as possible, and try to give the best advice that we can, regardless of who it's for. And, if it's someone you can't or don't want to help- YOU DON'T POST. The system works!


lol :rofl:

I'm not sure if it's gender-specific-I was on a post a couple weeks ago that the person was a female concerned about her BF's sexting with a co worker and the female was referred to as crazy for being concerned about it. Maybe it is more of a bias against BSs?


----------



## Unsure in Seattle (Sep 6, 2011)

Mrs1980 said:


> lol :rofl:
> 
> I'm not sure if it's gender-specific-I was on a post a couple weeks ago that the person was a female concerned about her BF's sexting with a co worker and the female was referred to as crazy for being concerned about it. Maybe it is more of a bias against BSs?


Nope not- this isn't Loveshack, after all.


----------



## jh52 (Apr 29, 2012)

"At the end of May, she texted me and said she was going out for Happy Hour with some people from work, as they had just finished up their big project and people wanted to go out for a drink. I honestly was a bit uneasy about her going out, as I don't know a soul that she works with (she's only been there a few months). She said she'd be home by dinnertime, so I figured it wasn't a big deal. Plus, she didn't ask if it was okay, she just said she was going. At any rate, she was home when she said she would be, she was only at the bar for an hour or hour and a half. Everything has been normal since then, but last night I happened to go through her phone messages, and on that night, she texted a male co-worker and told him to have a good trip (he was apparently going out of state). She sent him a 2nd text with her name on it (apparently he may not know who the first text was from?). He simply replied 'Thanks ', and that was the end of the texts, at least what was left on her phone."

My suggestion would have been to say something via a phone call or text when you got the text saying she was going to happy hour.

You said nothing.

Then you found 2 texts on her phone -- which seems innocent -- and none since --- but once again you said nothing.

You come to this board and ask for advice -- and the answer is staring you in your face.

TALK TALK TALK TALK to her.

Communication is the key to any relationship -- instead you come here.

I don't mean confront her like you found something damaging -- but you found something that created a trigger for you. I don't think she did it intentionally -- but again you don't know because you didn't tell her your feelings.

Good luck -- monitor -- and learn how to better communicate with your wife !!


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

Sometimes I can't help but to be relieved that my ex walked away instead of trying to reconcile. Monitoring her every move would drive me crazy. Having said that, transparency is the price that the WS pays and he or she should happily comply.


----------



## BigLiam (May 2, 2012)

lamaga said:


> I think you are looking for trouble.


I think your wife is looking for trouble(again).


----------



## BigLiam (May 2, 2012)

dormant said:


> Of course I can't speak for your wife, but if I were being checked on like you are her, I wouldn't let the door hit me on the way out.


Eh, she serially cheated on the guy.

But, I agree, he would be better off if the door hit her in the ass on her way out.


----------



## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey Sad Loving---I don't know if you are still here---but if you are, I can't stress enuff---that this has to be handled

This is about her violating boundaries----No one here knows what you set up as requirements and terms for your R., but I can only hope that there were boundaries set in place, and I assume, or hopefully assume, you set in a boundary about NO CONTACT WITH OTHER MEN AT ALL, FOR ANY REASON-----Hope fully there was another boundary about your wife not doing things socially w/out you

Lets take the social 1st---Your wife went to a bar w/out you, with friends from work---she didn't ask, she TOLD you, considering that you are just 18 months out from her having slept with another man-----this MUST be addressed, it may be allright for her to go---but she ASKS, she does not TELL you she is going------she asks is it OK, and if it wasn't OK, she comes home------she doesn't get a choice cuz she chose to cheat, and she is still being held accountable for her prior actions.

You gave her the biggest gift she will ever get on this planet---A 2ND CHANCE---yet 18 months later she is already back sliding

As to the contact----even more importantly that you come down hard, and do it in a NOT very nice way---she has to know---SHE DOES NOT CONTACT OTHER MEN---she has a boundary in place and it is NOT to be violated

She didn't have to wish this guy, her work acquantance, anything---face to face at work, is fine--beyond that there is ABSOLUTELY NO REASON for her to contact him, especially electronically.

She must know, that she has violated boundaries---look at it like parole---if one violates their parole, they go back to jail----your wife's boundaries are her parole---you cannot let this go, it has to be dealt with, and handled strongly

She could very well be testing the waters, to see how firm you are, on things

If nothing else, What she is, is selfish---she knows you still have visions, demons, lots of darkness, but she doesn't seem to care, she thinks only of herself,---she is off on her merry way going to bars w/out you, and contacting other men, just fliting around enjoying it all, while you live in the misery of what she has done to you and her own children.

----be very wary, or in your next return to us, you may be writing a much more tragic story!!!!!!!!


----------



## BigLiam (May 2, 2012)

Your wife has demonstrated terrible boundaries, a lack of commitment and integrity, little to no remorse, as I recall. You are right to be concerned.
It is very weird that she would leave the bar and then text the guy re his impending trip.


----------



## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> Sometimes I can't help but to be relieved that my ex walked away instead of trying to reconcile. Monitoring her every move would drive me crazy. Having said that, transparency is the price that the WS pays and he or she should happily comply.


:iagree:

I understand why people try and reconcile and stay together, really I do. But it's not for me - if I feel I have to check on someone's every move for the rest of my life then that's no life at all and I'd rather be without them frankly. How can relationships survive this? I really don't know how you do it.


----------



## Speed (Dec 9, 2011)

> I honestly was a bit uneasy about her going out


DING DING DING

If you were uneasy about your loose wife putting herself in the same position that she was in the prior times she cheated on you, you should have called her out on that $hit then and there.

Looking for trouble? Being overly sensitive? Seriously? She is either testing the waters or prepping for more. And even if it was just an innocent after hours get together she lost the right to attend anything of the sort when she cheated.


----------



## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Nice catch LordMayhem.


----------



## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

I agreed with Lamaga until I read LM's synopsis of events.

OP has every right to be concerned. Going to after work celebrations at a bar is common practice - but it should be off the table for a WW that had an affair partially as a result of being at a bar.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Given her prediliction for booze and spreading her legs for strange men...

She should stop drinking...

She should stop going to bars...

She should stop making nicey nicey with men who are not her husband....

She should stop drinking at bars and making nicey nicey with men who are not her husband......period.

Why are you allowing this OP? Are you as dense as she is?


----------



## Humble Pie (Feb 28, 2012)

Given the history, definately she overstepped boundaries, again.

I agree, she did reach out to this person, and that, being her first "hour and a half" of having free time with co-workers is a huge red flag!

Drinking, bars, people of the opposite sex should be removed from her permission list.


----------



## CH (May 18, 2010)

I said I was gonna wean off TAM but this subject hits a sore spot since I cheated on my wife due to going to bars and drinking.

She's Sh!t testing you. She didn't ask if she could go, she said SHE WAS GOING PERIOD. She came home when she was supposed to but hid the fact about texting the male co-worker (she knows you would have blown a fuse if she told you).

You said nothing so she's the good wife. When it comes up again next time she'll just go again, if you say no, she'll throw it in your face that you allowed her to go the 1st time and she came home when she did and she thought you were fine with it as long as she did what she said she was doing.

She's opening up the door to slowly work her way in you giving her 100% trust again to go out and drink at bars with friends/co-workers.

Also 2nd red flag (1st was her saying SHE WAS GOING, not asking if she could go), texting the OM and then sending another message telling him who SENT THE TEXT, to make sure he knew it was her

RED FLAG, RED FLAG, RED FLAG ALERT!!!!

It's what I would have done back then (well I though about it). Now if I'm gonna go out to a bar, I ask my wife if she says no I don't go but I'll plead with her. Just like the Kings game #6, I asked for game #4 she said no so I watched at home. I pleaded for game #6 and she said fine but be careful. Called and checked on her and called when I was leaving since the game could have gone into OT I could have been out later.

Again, HER MAKING SURE THE MALE CO-WORKER KNEW WHO SENT THE TEXT IS A HUGE RED FLAG!

NIP IT IN THE BUD, do what one poster did above, talk to her, tell her you're not comfortable with what she did. If she gets all pissy that you're checking up on her, fling the front door open and let her know the size 9s are about to connect with her behind sending her on her way. My wife still checks my phone 15 years later, sucks to be me but that's what I get for cheating on her.

She'll keep S*** testing you over and over to try and see how far she can push the boundaries. You've got to once in a while step on her neck to get the point across (we sometimes don't get the message unless you do that.)

No more kiddie gloves, that's what got you into trouble the 1st time.

Well, loggin off again.


----------

