# Just looking to talk\vent\get advice



## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

Hi everyone,

First time poster here.

Joined just to share my situation and get advice.

51 year old male on second marriage. First one lasted 20 years and then ex bailed out on me for another guy. So new wife of 5 years is great but a few hangups have bothered me. She was all into sex when we first married and dated and now she's not. Which is OK as she is older than me so maybe its menopause but I just wish she would at least "act" like my needs are important. And when we do have sex its just plain old vanilla and kinda boring. She isn't into anything wild. I haven't been wild before but would like to spice some things up to at least try some things once before I die.

Next issue is she doesn't work. Said she can't find a job but her lack of work is killing us financially. I work around 50 hrs a week and make decent money but if she was working, we could really be making a huge amount in our future savings. My goal is to retire by 60 and travel as I love going places.

So maybe I am just a typical chauvinistic guy but if she doesn't work and doesn't do much all day, I would think she would at least have enough energy to be into having sex with me? 

I have tried talking to her about it but it always leads to her saying I hurt her feelings and she goes and watches TV in the other room.

Is it just me or are most marriages of older folks like this and I should just forget about it and give up on what I want? Just feels like maybe I shouldn't have gotten married again?

Thanks


----------



## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Curious, before you got married did you have a sit down discussion about all these topics?


----------



## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Just like Lostinthought61 has said ..... did you have that discussion ? I don't mean a chat in passing ...... I mean a REAL talk.


----------



## FalCod (Dec 6, 2017)

I'm in my fifties and so is my wife. She's a SAHM. Our sex life is wonderful. It's much less athletic than it was when we were younger. We've slowed down over the years from daily to a few times a week, but we're both still very enthusiastic about it. I don't know about other people's habits.

If she doesn't work, what does she do all day? Even as a SAHM, my wife was always active on the PTO, volunteering at school functions, participating in her book club, doing charitable work, and all sorts of other stuff as her time permitted. As the children have gotten older and need her less, she has taken up more hobbies and increased her volunteer work. Just as there are times when we don't "hook up" because I'm exhausted from work, there are times when she's exhausted or busy as well. What is important is that instead of saying "no", we always say - "how about in the morning" or "let's get crazy tomorrow night" or whatever. Even though "now" isn't always the right time, I think it is important to communicate with each other that the desire is still there.

If she's at home not working, not wanting to have sex, and watching a lot of TV, she might have a problem with depression. Or maybe she's just lazy. What does she do that is fulfilling to her?


----------



## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

FalCod said:


> If she's at home not working, not wanting to have sex, and watching a lot of TV, she might have a problem with depression. Or maybe she's just lazy. What does she do that is fulfilling to her?


I was going to say the same thing. It's possible she's depressed or she's so bored of hanging around the house all day she can't get herself going in the evening to be the kind of wife you want. Telling you that you hurt her feelings is her way of deflecting and not having to deal with the issue. Maybe she's embarrassed that she can't find a job. Then feelings of shame hit and she can't get freaky with you when she's feeling bad about herself. 

It might be time to sit her down, tell her you're not trying to hurt her feelings but that it's time to have a serious discussion about the expectations of this marriage. She may have some things that are bothering her as well so be prepared to hear stuff you don't necessarily want to hear. I'd be very honest that this issue is affecting how you feel about her and the marriage but that it's fixable if she would just work with you to better some things that are bothering you.

There are TONS of jobs out there. Maybe not the exact kind of job she would want but they are out there. Even getting out and serving coffee a few mornings a week can help make her feel more productive and help your bank account.


----------



## aquarius1 (May 10, 2019)

You need to sit down and really talk with her about this.
There is a BIG difference between being a SAHM and just staying home.
That said, my 62 yr old husband lost his job in July and cant get another one despite a booming economy and record low unemployment in our province.
Why?
Two reasons. HIS AGE. Ageism is real. And HIS EXPECTATIONS. Gone are the days of a big salary and he is having trouble accepting that.
Could be depression too.
Regarding the sex. If you didn't get wild sex before you married her, it’s blatantly unfair to expect it now. That one is on you. 
Is it possible that its why she denies you now? She may feel that shes never going to be enough for you.
You need to talk.


----------



## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

So... your wife doesn't work, isn't active at being a wonderful homemaker, and isn't interested in pleasing her husband intimately.

AND you have only been married for 5 years, it's not like this had been a lifetime partnership and that you have raised children together.

Why is she not nervous about not being a good partner? Why isn't she scared that you will want to end the relationship? I'd ask yourself that, quite seriously.


----------



## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

FG1 I am going the other way, 

Quote: 
So maybe I am just a typical chauvinistic guy but if she doesn't work and doesn't do much all day, I would think she would at least have enough energy to be into having sex with me. End quote.

Here's the problem you THINK, you deserve full menu sex. Well guess what their are plenty of sexless marriages here and YOU think you deserve something other than vanilla. Is it possible that you feel the entitlement of your full pleasures because she's at home without a job. If she willing to give you sex, l don't see the big deal. Where are you picking up your new interest from?

It could be that she feels pressured at one of her low times, and that you force your expectations on her in a way that could be unloving and cruel. I am understanding of your personality and because of it moves your thoughts in to making a bigger deal of full Menu Sex than it should be. How full into an argument do you take this? Because what l read is you are only wanting your needs met and not just the sex.

Do be honest and please respond to my post that we may all understand a better insight.

Tilted


----------



## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

aquarius1 said:


> Two reasons. HIS AGE. Ageism is real. And HIS EXPECTATIONS. Gone are the days of a big salary and he is having trouble accepting that.
> .


When I age out I plan on hitting it big with a second career .....


----------



## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Quote: but I just wish she would at least "act" like my needs are important. End quote.

This is the 500 lb gorilla, you just feel entitled to so much more. Let me put this in perspective as bet as l can,
You are I'll and feverish sweats and muscle aches. What would you think if she was HD and wanted you to perform like a pornstar. Would you be able to do so, if not why? Or would you like to pleasure her and just give her vanilla! At least she would feel that you are trying and not demanding something more than you can give her. And then expect you to mow the lawn, wash the cars, clean the garage so on and so on. Would you like to get a little encouragement for at least giving some of yourself and know time further down the road, you may be able to do more with enthusiasm but with caution.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@FloridaGuy1 Just moved your thread to General Relationship sub-forum.

The picture you pain isn't good.

You are 51, not 101.

I think maybe counselling might help. 

Is your wife pulling her weight?


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

aquarius1 said:


> You need to sit down and really talk with her about this.
> There is a BIG difference between being a SAHM and just staying home.
> That said, my 62 yr old husband lost his job in July and cant get another one despite a booming economy and record low unemployment in our province.
> Why?
> ...


Did you perhaps not read this part of his original post?



> She was all into sex when we first married and dated and now she's not.


This could mean she has a health issue, or it might be that: "Boy! So glad I can stop pretending to like sex now I have caught my man" gambit. Which does sometimes happen.


----------



## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

All I can say is this. 

Kind of sounds like the "bait and switch" depending on how long you guys have been married. 

So my fiancé is post meno, 60, and we have sex every day or every other. 

I know some women swear the they really have issues after menopause, but I have never met one. 

I am not saying it does not happen. 

So, this problem is a big one and I wish you luck with it...


----------



## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

It sounds like she just wants a roommate and companion rather than a husband and lover. You have multiple extremely challenging issues to solve in your marriage:

- Doesn't work and doesn't try at all to find a job
- Not into sex
- Conflict avoidant and says you hurt her feelings when you talk about this stuff

Any one of these problems will take a lot of work to try to fix and will involve a lot of conflict. Success is uncertain. 

I think you're going to need to drop a huge bomb in your relationship to shake her up and make her realize that it's not working out. I don't think counseling would be all that useful since she'll just come up with lots of reasons why she shouldn't have to change. I would say to move out or get divorce papers drawn up. She needs to clearly understand the gravity of the problem or else she'll just continue to push back. And if she continues to avoid fixing this, then you'll already be on your way out and you can find someone who is better matched for your life goals.


----------



## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I second this... you have only been married 5 years. I'd get out soon or you might be stuck supporting her long term. She isn't yet a long term partner you have an obligation to.



wilson said:


> It sounds like she just wants a roommate and companion rather than a husband and lover. You have multiple extremely challenging issues to solve in your marriage:
> 
> - Doesn't work and doesn't try at all to find a job
> - Not into sex
> ...


----------



## aquarius1 (May 10, 2019)

MattMatt said:


> Did you perhaps not read this part of his original post?
> 
> 
> 
> This could mean she has a health issue, or it might be that: "Boy! So glad I can stop pretending to like sex now I have caught my man" gambit. Which does sometimes happen.


yes, yes I did. And then I saw this part.

And when we do have sex its just plain old vanilla and kinda boring. She isn't into anything wild. I haven't been wild before but would like to spice some things up to at least try some things once before I die.

everybody sees the part that jumps out at them.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Has she been married before? 
I wonder if her recent aversion to sex is due to you suggesting things that she doesn't want. You seem to have sprung things on her recently that you never did before, and maybe she worries that you will expect her to do them. Oh and if you watch porn I would stop, it wont help your marriage.


----------



## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

He never said anything about "springing things on her", or porn.

She isn't working and she isn't doing anything around the house, and she hasn't been interested about talking with him about pulling her own weight, either ---so haaaaaa she really doesn't seem "worried" about much of anything now, does she??



Diana7 said:


> Has she been married before?
> I wonder if her recent aversion to sex is due to you suggesting things that she doesn't want. You seem to have sprung things on her recently that you never did before, and maybe she worries that you will expect her to do them. Oh and if you watch porn I would stop, it wont help your marriage.


----------



## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Livvie said:


> He never said anything about "springing things on her", or porn.
> 
> She isn't working and she isn't doing anything around the house, and she hasn't been interested about talking with him about pulling her own weight, either ---so haaaaaa she really doesn't seem "worried" about much of anything now, does she??


Hmm. He said he wants to try new things that he hasn't done before. That sounds like springing things on her to me. He was happy, then he wanted more. Sounds like she may have shut down rather than having a heart to heart and working through it together.

Also, most men are into porn. Not all, but chances are that Diana is right on in her assumption.

I think your wife may be depressed. Has she worked her entire adult life? What has her work life been like before you got married? How long has you known her? How did she feel about her job before? Why isn't she working? Did she quit? Was she fired? Exactly what happened?


----------



## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

Thanks everyone, I'll be back later to answer some of the questions.


----------



## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

FalCod said:


> Just as there are times when we don't "hook up" because I'm exhausted from work, there are times when she's exhausted or busy as well. What is important is that instead of saying "no", we always say - "how about in the morning" or "let's get crazy tomorrow night" or whatever. Even though "now" isn't always the right time, I think it is important to communicate with each other that the desire is still there.


You and your wife understand that anticipation is key, and when you don't reject but rather propose a date for something exciting, and of course make that happen, that could even be better than had things happened earlier. You have something to look forward to. Your wife or husband made a commitment to you. This goes beyond "It's not what you say, it's how you say it." This is helping to make someone feel secure and create a sense of excitement and anticipation. If you have this in your relationship, don't lose it. It's gold.


----------



## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

OK to answer some of the questions asked. And I'll bullet point for brevity

- She worked when we met and got married. She got let go and then hasn't worked since. She has a masters degree so to me finding a job should be easy for her.
- She was into sex and alot of things when we got married. Oral, anal, you name it. Now its just missionary to get "get it done". When I say "new things" I mean like sex in the backyard, in the pool, in the car and stuff like that. Stuff I think would spice up our lives. Sure I would like to try sex with another couple or a threesome (many guys would) but I know that doesn't happen in most marriages so thats just fantasy. Never done anything like that myself so maybe its just curiosity? But yeah wild and new to me would be outdoor sex and maybe even a nude beach? 
- My equipment still works well and can go multiple times a day if desired. Not bragging but someone asked about it I believe? No porn star here but in good shape for my age. Sure I could lose 20 ponds to be honest.
- She may be depressed as she has put on weight and just enjoys sitting around alot and goes to bed early (8 or 9 pm) each night
- We were both married before in long term (20 year +) marriages


I think that answers all the questions. Just feel like we are senior citizens waiting around to die and yet if she doesn't bring in some money soon, I may wish I was dead as we will never be able to retire and I will be working until I do die. 

Maybe I am the one who is depressed knowing I will never be able to retire???


----------



## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Is her master's degree in a plentiful occupation?
Did your sex change when she lost her job?
And when you talk of threesome what FMF? Or how would you feel about someone banging your wife on a regular basis?
So do you constantly bring up these new ideas nonstop?
Maybe the senior citizen time is putting you under more stress. Than it should be?


----------



## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

Tilted,

Its in business. Its an MBA

I have never mentioned the threesome idea. I would "like" to do that but as I said its a fantasy so I have never mentioned it to her.

I do constantly make comments about the job as we need her to work. Maybe once a week or so? Maybe thats too much

And yes, I do worry about the future as if something would happen with my job, we'd be in trouble. So yeah maybe I am getting old and worrying too much?!


----------



## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

You've only been married 5 years. She now doesn't have a job and doesn't appear on fire to get a job, any job, to bring money in. You aren't worrying too much. I actually think you aren't worrying enough. And she isn't being an excellent homemaker right now either? Wow...



FloridaGuy1 said:


> Tilted,
> 
> Its in business. Its an MBA
> 
> ...


----------



## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> OK to answer some of the questions asked. And I'll bullet point for brevity
> 
> - She worked when we met and got married. She got let go and then hasn't worked since. She has a masters degree so to me finding a job should be easy for her.
> - She was into sex and alot of things when we got married. Oral, anal, you name it. Now its just missionary to get "get it done". When I say "new things" I mean like sex in the backyard, in the pool, in the car and stuff like that. Stuff I think would spice up our lives. Sure I would like to try sex with another couple or a threesome (many guys would) but I know that doesn't happen in most marriages so thats just fantasy. Never done anything like that myself so maybe its just curiosity? But yeah wild and new to me would be outdoor sex and maybe even a nude beach?
> ...


Ok thanks for the detailed answers. Yes your are not expecting more than what you once had. And not doing anything or attempting to find new employment wanting to stay home and wallow in her misery can't be fun to come 
home to.

What do you feel you can do to encourage her to get a new lease on life. And you wanting to do the simple things to spice up are good husband and wife bonding experience's.
I do think also if she gets goals in her life to help your senior dreams are not over the top.


----------



## MyRevelation (Apr 12, 2016)

Sorry, but you chose poorly.

You got baited, then switched.

Time to consider a do-over!!!


----------



## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

BluesPower said:


> All I can say is this.
> 
> Kind of sounds like the "bait and switch" depending on how long you guys have been married.
> 
> ...


And your fiancee is the type I only READ about on message boards. It seems only on message boards do women all claim to be highly sexed and want it at least once a day, they're all multi-orgasmic and don't need foreplay, and they all miraculously climax in multiples from PIV sex.

Then, there are the women in real life.

I have *NEVER* once met a menopausal woman who has told me her libido soared or improved in ANY way after menopause. Not once. Most of the women I know in this age bracket have confided that they lost their libidos after menopause and one or two have actually joked that they're glad "that part of their lives" is now over. This is what I've seen and heard from many, many menopausal woman over the years. You must live in a place where there's something in the water because I think that's more the exception than the rule for a menopausal woman to suddenly become a sex goddess. LOL.

In fact, if that WERE the rule, we wouldn't constantly see all these posts from middle aged men complaining that their menopausal wives don't want sex anymore.


----------



## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

She’s still got it, I agree. I have seen enough posts from fellow husbands that they have sex every day, multiple times a day, 7-10 times a week. For the rest of us fighting through our marriages and sex lives, I think these numbers are deceiving and put even more pressure on those in marriages that are less then. I rarely, if ever, see a wife married 10 plus years make these statements. So it leads me to believe most of this reporting is false and exists only on message boards.


----------



## Tex X (May 17, 2017)

Maybe I missed it - OP I see that you're 51 and you say your wife is older. How old is she?

So a few things. First, money and planning for retirement is important. Your wife was employed when you got married, so I'm guessing you made the assumption that she would stay employed until retirement. So if you're struggling financially, there are only 2 options. Spend less or make more. Has your wife really been trying to find a job? She has an MBA, so she should be qualified for a lot of jobs. It can be hard because she may fall into that category of 'over qualified', but certainly she can find something. This is something that you guys need to talk about as a couple. If she can't find work (and she is really trying), then I'd say be supportive until she finds something. If she really is not trying at all, then you need to sit her down and discuss this with her. If she is unwilling to try and find work, then you have to decide if this is someone you really want to spend the rest of your life with. 

As for sex, you can't negotiate desire, and you can't will it to happen. My wife and I are both 49 and very much have an active sex life. So for now I have not had to deal with menopause. So if it's that I have no answers for you. If it's not menopause, then she is either depressed or has just lost attraction for you. Have you guys considered marriage counseling?


----------



## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> And your fiancee is the type I only READ about on message boards. It seems only on message boards do women all claim to be highly sexed and want it at least once a day, they're all multi-orgasmic and don't need foreplay, and they all miraculously climax in multiples from PIV sex.
> 
> Then, there are the women in real life.
> 
> ...


But why are you going after me? 

I have never met a post menopausal woman that did not enjoy sex. But I never said that they don't believe they exist. 

You can be as snarky as you want, but I really have no reason to lie, just like you don't really have a reason to be snarky... 

And to make matters worse for your theory, My Fiancé is also wet and only drys out after a super long session. And yes, she is multi, but there are a variety of ways to get her there. However, she is almost completely G-spot and PIV, that is what she likes and that is what gets here there. 

So, I don't know what to tell you. Last GF was younger so she did not fall into the menopausal category. 2 GF ago was post and she was the same way for the most part, except that she could get there any one of 3 ways, but for the most part she liked PIV the best...


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> OK to answer some of the questions asked. And I'll bullet point for brevity
> 
> - She worked when we met and got married. She got let go and then hasn't worked since. She has a masters degree so to me finding a job should be easy for her.
> - She was into sex and alot of things when we got married. Oral, anal, you name it. Now its just missionary to get "get it done". When I say "new things" I mean like sex in the backyard, in the pool, in the car and stuff like that. Stuff I think would spice up our lives. Sure I would like to try sex with another couple or a threesome (many guys would) but I know that doesn't happen in most marriages so thats just fantasy. Never done anything like that myself so maybe its just curiosity? But yeah wild and new to me would be outdoor sex and maybe even a nude beach?
> ...


This screams depression on her part and neediness on your part. 

Have you had “the chat” with her? The one that goes something like: “wife, our marriage isn’t working for me because you aren’t really contributing anything financially, emotionally, or sexually to it? I can’t carry everything on my own, you need to be my partner here?”


----------



## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

It's very common for the sex at the beginning of the relationship to be very different to the sex after a few years. We see many stories of people in who said they had hot and wild sex for years at the beginning, but then it faded and now they have a sexless marriage. A common cause is that your brain is filled with feel-good chemicals early in the relationship so you create a strong bond with the other person. But those fade after a few years, and then intimacy can be very different. And that's aside from any menopause issues. I'm guessing that's what happened with your W. At first she was feeling highly sexual because it was a new and exciting time, but now those exciting feelings are gone.

There are ways to prevent that from happening. The couple should strive to keep their relationship highly sexual so they view each other as lovers rather than just roommates or friends. But that's a lot easier to do at the beginning than after things have faded. At the state you are in now, there is a lot of inertia to overcome to get her to view you as a lover again. It's not going to work at all if she's not willing to do the work and talk about this stuff. But if her mindset can be changed so she knows she needs to make it a priority, it could get better.


----------



## MyRevelation (Apr 12, 2016)

Keep in mind, we’re only talking about a 5 year window from what sounds like a very active sex life to basically having the spigot turned off? Seems like a very quick turnaround to me. 

Especially when coupled with her financial flip flop too. With a MBA no less. Looks like a pattern of disengaging?


----------



## MarriedTex (Sep 24, 2010)

Marduk said:


> This screams depression on her part and neediness on your part.
> 
> Have you had “the chat” with her? The one that goes something like: “wife, our marriage isn’t working for me because you aren’t really contributing anything financially, emotionally, or sexually to it? I can’t carry everything on my own, you need to be my partner here?”


I think it could soon be time for an ultimatum. Either she finds a job or you both start marriage counseling together. At the very least, she could get a temp retail job during the holiday season. That may be a way to jump start action. As they say, an object in motion tends to stay in motion. 

If she truly is depressed, you don't want to insitutite a "divorce or work" ultimatum. She may not be physically/mentally capable of doing a job at this point. If this is the case, the marriage counselor could help make that assessment and guide her in a direction for additional help.

If she opts for marriage counseling over job, that also provides a safe space for you to get your issues/resentments out on the table with a neutral arbiter helping to guide the discussion.


----------



## Jethro (Aug 16, 2013)

I agree that this sounds like your wife has depression. If you think it would be difficult to have a heart-to-heart with her about her possible depression (she may get defensive or shut down if you make it about her), perhaps you could suggest couples therapy. If she would be open to that any good couples therapist would be able to determine if some or all of the problem is that your wife is depressed. The couples therapist might be able to recommend a therapist for your wife or, possibly, refer her to a physician--depression could also be due to an undiagnosed medical condition, such as hypothyroidism. Or, it may make sense for your wife to be prescribed a mild anti-depressant medication.

As others have said, I would recommend that you focus your attention and concern on her--and not on what you aren't getting--at least for now.

Good luck.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> Hi everyone,
> 
> First time poster here.
> 
> ...


Is she still not working?

How old is she?

What type of physical shape are you both in?


----------

