# How do you resolve an argument?



## shane0147

Ok, this could create a good discussion. I often think about how to improve my marriage. Long story short, married 20 years (38 years old), 3 kids.... 19, 10, and 8.

Essentially our marriage is in trouble. At the core of our problems is communication. We argue a lot and i have a lot of resentment that i find it hard to let go of.

In years past, we would argue.... Ignore each other for a while.... Kiss and make up. Basically in that order. The problem is that the underlying issue gets kicked down the road. As we have gotten older, I have tried to change the way i argue. I try more often to tell her how i feel or how a problem makes me feel. I try to avoid "you do this" or "you are wrong" statements. Sometimes that may be the case, sometimes it isnt. I feel like my wife refuses to adopt that sort of approach and she basically sees it as an opportunity to squash me when we fight. Often, i think she escalates to shouting more as a way to avoid the issue, as opposed to the actual fight itself. 

I have suggested mc multiple times but she is hell bent against that. If i had to describe my wifes personality, i would say she is very guarded and a bit of a narcissist. Not in the snobby, " prettier than you l" sense, but more that she has to be right and she is very quick to tell me what is wrong with me. When i try to share my feelings with her, she is very dismissive and invalidating. I just feel pretty hopeless. 

I really dont want to be a "me" person, but she really slams me when i try to share my feelings and problems. I may see a problem with our M, but if she doesnt see it, she refuses to hear anything i might say. 

I'm guess this is a long, drawn out way of asking others to share how they argue and resolve..... Or just tell me if i am being a wimp.

Thanks in advance
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Quigster

shane0147 said:


> I'm guess this is a long, drawn out way of asking others to share how they argue and resolve.....


You've already developed a lot of good communication skills. You're making "I" statements instead of "you" statements and that's a great move. 

Here are some things that really work for me. You probably do some of this stuff already. Use or dismiss these ideas at your convenience.

For one, I hate to argue late at night. I'm tired and I can't think straight or organize my thoughts. I need to be well-rested in order to carry on a proper, civilized debate.

I don't like to argue in the bedroom. I don't want my wife associating our marital bed as the place where we have disagreements. I want to save that for sleeping and romantic encounters. 

When we talk, I like to repeat what she's told me in my own words, so she sees that I understand what's she's expressing to me. Sometimes she offers clarification because I've misinterpreted her. This can be a powerful tool.

Defuse her frustration. Instead of getting defensive, agree with her. Say things like, "You're right, I can see why that would upset you" and "yes, I see why you feel that way."

When you argue, your goal should never be to "beat" her in the debate or to "win" the fight. Don't make victory your objective. Try to understand why she's expressing what she's saying to you. Seek to understand. Offer solutions and ask if they are acceptable to her. If her requests are unreasonable, try to reach a compromise.

Apologize for upsetting her, even if you don't feel like you're at fault. Accept responsibility for the role you play. 

Your same issues will keep coming back up until you address them effectively. You can't keep doing the same thing over and over and expect different results.


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## Sbrown

What are the arguments about? One thing I've learned....pick your battles. If it doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things let it go.


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## Satya

I find people that are childish during discussions (talk over you, "squash" you when you make a logical point, etc.) are not listening to anything you're saying, probably because they have no ability to place themselves in a humbling spot where they could be wrong or responsible for being less than perfect.

Your methods would work if she had the ability to appreciate them, but it sounds like she doesn't, so actually what I think your methods are doing is validating her even more and the purpose backfiring on you. 

A personality that can never be wrong also can't be reasoned with (unless a breakthrough occurs). My ex was like this. I never knew what to do when married, but I learned by dealing with others with similar personalities later on that if you refuse to engage until they cut their selfish behavior out, and you refuse frequently enough, they will start to realize you WON'T accept that kind of behavior. It takes a lot of firmness on your part and self-respect. Don't feed her need to beat you down mentally with childish antics. You can both act like the adults you are and not accept anything less of each other during discussions.


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## shane0147

Sbrown said:


> What are the arguments about? One thing I've learned....pick your battles. If it doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things let it go.


What sorts of things do we fight about? That could take a while. Ill give a few examples.

1. Parenting. We have the occasional disagreement with how to deal with a kid. For instance, if a kid is acting up and its near bedtime, we will agree to send the kid to bed early. I will tell the kid, the kid may act out even worse, and she over rules me, despite our previous agreement. Later, i will tell her that i feel it was wrong to over ride and undermine me. She ignores, invalidates, and if i try to push the issue, it becomes an unproductive shouting match.

2. Finances. An previous example was that recently, she made a big issue of the fact that i had spent about $200 playing golf over a month and a half. She told me i was being irresponsible. That day, she used my credit card to pay for a girls cruise.... (About a grand). Another instance was how recently we went on a nice anniversary trip. She immediately came back and planned two more trips.... One a girls trip, the other with her family. I was unable to get the time off from work. I really had nonissue with her taking the trips, but she is very quick to scrutinize anything i spend, while she spends as she wants. 

Again, if i try to mention this to her and tell how i feel the double standard is disrespectful, it ends the same as the other fights. 

3. Finally, i recently made a decision that i wanted to speak to her and try to work it out and find ways to improve our marriage. I had a narrative planned and wanted to ask her to go to marriage counseling. As soon as i started talking to her....

Attempt #1: this was near bedtime(bad timing), but we work odd schedules so i have to try when i can. I had just come off a week of night shifts, and she said she wasnt talking to me as i am too grouchy when i work nights. Totally brushed me off, but i chose to wait, said we didnt have to start the weekend off fighting.

Attempt #2: fast forward a few days past attempt 1. I told her i wanted to talk. I had gotten the kids in bed early, dinner, cleaned, etc. when i told her i wanted to speak, and why, she quickly said "what now" in a tone that made it clear she didnt want to hear me. I did take a little offense and when I reiterated what i wanted to say, she said "im not listening to your ****". We quickly had another useless shouting match, i left the bedroom and we didnt speak at all for a few days. Later, she acted like all was fine. I, on the other hand, felt like i was in the middle of a crowded room, shouting at the top of my lungs...,, but no one noticed. (Ok that was a bit overdramatic)

After all of this, it feels useless to try and that the only way to coexist is to never tell my wife how i feel, unless it is what she wants to hear.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## afab

I understand you. Your wife is not interested in arguing at all. Or just for the sake of it. Not because she is interested in what you have to say. I suppose she can shout louder and longer. She will always be right whatever you say. You need counselling but she wont go. So what do you do. I suppose your wife wont come on here either or youre too scared to tell her youre here.
I often say on here write her a letter. Dont overdo it. The less you complain about the better. She may give you a written reply. Well that is a start.


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## melw74

This is one thing i really do not miss the arguments. Its been about 2 years since my husband and i have argued, and i know just how much stress they can put on a relationship. I used to be a real pain in the butt, I would nag, moan think i was always right. I was a right hot head i was so bad that my moaning used to get me down:smile2:.

For me, I was lacking respect, When i think back i used to be a nightmare, I really do not know how my hubby put up with me when i was such a ***** it took a few months of unhappiness to finally buck up and try to change myself into a better person, It used to take a bit of biting my lip, but i did it... I am a changed person, I like me now.

I think to resolve an argument you need to know when to back down, keep quiet for a change and be the better person.


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## WorkingWife

shane0147 said:


> What sorts of things do we fight about? That could take a while. Ill give a few examples.
> 
> 1. Parenting. We have the occasional disagreement with how to deal with a kid. For instance, if a kid is acting up and its near bedtime, we will agree to send the kid to bed early. I will tell the kid, the kid may act out even worse, and she over rules me, despite our previous agreement. Later, i will tell her that i feel it was wrong to over ride and undermine me. She ignores, invalidates, and if i try to push the issue, it becomes an unproductive shouting match.
> 
> 2. Finances. An previous example was that recently, she made a big issue of the fact that i had spent about $200 playing golf over a month and a half. She told me i was being irresponsible. That day, she used my credit card to pay for a girls cruise.... (About a grand). Another instance was how recently we went on a nice anniversary trip. She immediately came back and planned two more trips.... One a girls trip, the other with her family. I was unable to get the time off from work. I really had nonissue with her taking the trips, but she is very quick to scrutinize anything i spend, while she spends as she wants.
> 
> Again, if i try to mention this to her and tell how i feel the double standard is disrespectful, it ends the same as the other fights.
> 
> 3. Finally, i recently made a decision that i wanted to speak to her and try to work it out and find ways to improve our marriage. I had a narrative planned and wanted to ask her to go to marriage counseling. As soon as i started talking to her....
> 
> Attempt #1: this was near bedtime(bad timing), but we work odd schedules so i have to try when i can. I had just come off a week of night shifts, and she said she wasnt talking to me as i am too grouchy when i work nights. Totally brushed me off, but i chose to wait, said we didnt have to start the weekend off fighting.
> 
> Attempt #2: fast forward a few days past attempt 1. I told her i wanted to talk. I had gotten the kids in bed early, dinner, cleaned, etc. when i told her i wanted to speak, and why, she quickly said "what now" in a tone that made it clear she didnt want to hear me. I did take a little offense and when I reiterated what i wanted to say, she said "im not listening to your ****". We quickly had another useless shouting match, i left the bedroom and we didnt speak at all for a few days. Later, she acted like all was fine. I, on the other hand, felt like i was in the middle of a crowded room, shouting at the top of my lungs...,, but no one noticed. (Ok that was a bit overdramatic)
> 
> After all of this, it feels useless to try and that the only way to coexist is to never tell my wife how i feel, unless it is what she wants to hear.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It sounds like your wife uses her anger as a way to keep you off balance so she doesn't have to deal with her own, inappropriate behavior. I disagree with those who say "pick your battles" because in her case, that's what she's counting on - that you will let it go to have peace, and she get's to do what she wants, how you feel about be damned.

I like the idea of writing her a letter. It will help you clarify your complaints, and she can sit and think with it whereas it sounds she is very defensive in any verbal confrontation.

I would also start complaining pleasantly and regularly, but with something she can't contradict. She says everything is fine because she's happy enough. But she is only half the equation. You do it like this:

I am not happy.
I am having a lot of constant, negative thoughts about our marriage.
I am not ok with things as they are.
This is not working for me.
I have been fantisizing about leaving you and it concerns me.
etc.

All statements about your feelings about the marriage. She may try to trivialize and dismiss them, but she can't say it's not true. If you're unhappy, you're unhappy. She can change or she may end up divorced, whether she thinks you have a right to be unhappy or not. When she avoids a fight by shouting you down, let her know "I'm not going to fight with you but it's important you understand that I am very unhappy and dissatisfied with our relationship."

This will take time. Don't expect an immediate turn around just keep at it.

Meanwhile - 
read about Love Busters
Love Busters

and the policy of joint agreement
The Policy of Joint Agreement
(You'll probably have to start this without her which is frustrating but it will help you be better from your side which may help her feel safe enough to let her guard down to have more rational discussions with you. And it will help you be strong realizing she IS being unreasonable and you do not have to accept it.)

You are both doing "independant behavior" with your spending. Independent behavior is always infuriating to the spouse on the receiving end because you have no control over the situation and are tied to this person but not being considered. Neither of you should be golfing or planning trips without discussing it and using the policy of joint agreement to make sure it's OK first. Her little stunts with the kids at bedtime are also independent behavior and incredibly disrespectful to you. And neither of you should ever be shouting at the other. That's an angry outburst, also addressed in the love busters article.


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## Average Joe

shane0147, your situation sounds so similar to mine that I almost can't believe it. I don't have time to really detail it ATM, but here are some things that are helping me:

The good ol' Men are from Mars book. Cheesy and ancient and overhyped as it may be, I picked it up at the thrift store. I do not know how anyone could part with this book. It is filled to the brim with things I never realized. One basic, basic thing it says: Hug your wife 3 times a day. Well, I hug my wife twice. Once when I head out in the AM, and as SOON as I get home. I track her down. She gets a hug and a kiss on the neck, and sometimes I'll blow a raspberry (that's a bonus, but effective!). She will say mmmmmm ..... and both of us are immediately at ease and on the same page. She is getting an instant shot of my caring, and I'm getting an instant shot of her approval. Caring and approval, respectively, for women and men ... HUGE love-tank fillers.

Arguments are less, and when they happen, they don't have much steam, because hurtful feelings are now diffused, through caring and approval ... all from simple hugs. They are like a whack-a-mole rubber mallet (bonk!) of feelings.

More to come!


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## happy as a clam

Two words:

Marriage. Counseling.

Even if you have to drag her kicking and screaming. She will never see things from your perspective until she learns to communicate effectively and maturely. She is very self-centered and it will take a neutral third party to help her see that.

I would tell her you have no intentions of living with this dynamic any longer. So she either agrees to go to counseling, or you will have to part ways.


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## fallen22

afab said:


> I understand you. Your wife is not interested in arguing at all. Or just for the sake of it. Not because she is interested in what you have to say. I suppose she can shout louder and longer. She will always be right whatever you say. You need counselling but she wont go. So what do you do. I suppose your wife wont come on here either or youre too scared to tell her youre here.
> I often say on here write her a letter. Dont overdo it. The less you complain about the better. She may give you a written reply. Well that is a start.


I used to be this person. My husband tried for years to explain to me that I was pushing him away. I never really understood why he thought that, and anytime he'd confront me I'd get angry and defensive.

Now we are at rock bottom. I've eaten a big piece of humble pie. He has moved out of our room. I've listened to everything he's told me, and I've told him I understand why you feel that way. I know I was wrong for so many years. 

It wasn't easy for me to tell him that I had been selfish and took him for granted. I mistreated him and our marriage, but I've come to terms with that. Now, the way you are describing your wife is exactly how my husband is acting. He is very angry, and he will say damn near anything. He threatened me with divorce twice last night. The first time I was angry and just blurted out fine then leave. I never meant it, I want it to work out. The second time it about killed because he said, "why don't you go back to your ex boyfriends, see how they treat you". 

He doesn't fight fair, not in any sense of the word. He knows he's partly to blame for our downfall, it's 50/50. But he cannot or will not admit it and truly believe it. To me, I think your wife will not change her way of thinking until she is pushed right to her breaking point. That's what happened to me and I wish it hadn't.

I chose to believe that things would just get better if I ignored them, and I was so wrong. I think this is what she is doing. She needs to truly listen to you, and not get defensive. Just sit and listen, and if she understands something then she needs to say so. Or repeat something you've said to her in her own words so then you both know she understands where you're coming from.

This is my current battle and I'm hoping my advice will help. I know just how badly I hurt my husband, and I want to show him I can be better, do better. He isn't going to let me in or trust me for a long time, I know that. But I'm hoping my effort will make him believe in me again. Chin up, it's hard. I know.


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## Ynot

OP, I feel for you. You have my deepest sympathies but I've got nothing to offer in the way of advice. I do look forward to hearing more though.


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## Sbrown

It sounds like you might be a door mat. Stand up for yourself. 

Scott


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## happy2gether

it sounds like you are doing your part. SHE is not, and you can't make her change her ways. She has to decide to do it. 

As far as the kids go, if she overrules you then man up and over rule her again. make the kid do what the original plan was but don't argue with her about it in front of the kids. Simply tell her we will discuss this later but this kid is doing it now. 

finance, not a lot you can do there unless you are willing to divide your accounts and remove each other from any joint cards. let her spend her money and you spend yours. I don't believe in doing this most of the time, but sometimes it is an easy way to stop the fights. just don't bail the other out if they go over budget, let them learn the hard way to stick within their means.

lastly, you can only do so much to improve the marriage. be nice, thoughtful and concerned. If she wants to stay bitter then nothing you do or say will change that. it will be up to you how to proceed from there. But maybe if she realizes how much your marriage means to you she will come around.


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## OldWolf57

She sound like BPD crack addict,, know some, that's their MO


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## SweetDesires

Write a letter using these techniques. You can even put a copy in front of each other while you go over your letter.
Fair Fighting Rules.
using these techniques. using feeling statements like, when this happens I feel ambushed and then I...
Fighting Fair to Resolve Conflict


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## SimplyAmorous

shane0147 said:


> Ok, this could create a good discussion. I often think about how to improve my marriage. Long story short, married 20 years (38 years old), 3 kids.... 19, 10, and 8.
> 
> Essentially our marriage is in trouble. At the core of our problems is communication. We argue a lot and i have a lot of resentment that i find it hard to let go of.
> 
> In years past, we would argue.... Ignore each other for a while.... Kiss and make up. Basically in that order. The problem is that the underlying issue gets kicked down the road. As we have gotten older, I have tried to change the way i argue. I try more often to tell her how i feel or how a problem makes me feel. I try to avoid "you do this" or "you are wrong" statements. Sometimes that may be the case, sometimes it isnt. I feel like my wife refuses to adopt that sort of approach and she basically sees it as an opportunity to squash me when we fight. Often, i think she escalates to shouting more as a way to avoid the issue, as opposed to the actual fight itself.
> 
> I have suggested mc multiple times but she is hell bent against that. If i had to describe my wifes personality, i would say she is very guarded and a bit of a narcissist. Not in the snobby, " prettier than you l" sense, but more that she has to be right and she is very quick to tell me what is wrong with me. When i try to share my feelings with her, she is very dismissive and invalidating. I just feel pretty hopeless.


 this is a very difficult dynamic... I am one who feels how you argue is far less important over whether it gets resolved.. some people think that if you raise your voices while arguing -that's unacceptable.. while others feel any form of passive aggressive behavior or ignoring each other is unacceptable.. 

I would prefer having a brawl over a silent treatment.. but that's just me !! The more effective the communication.. the less likely either of those will happen though..... and sometimes we will need to agree to disagree..










This is a fine article on communication:



> Imagine Hope Counseling Group - Our Resources - PLANTING THE SEED OF INTERDEPENDENCE
> 
> *1.** Interdependent couples accept the need for them to change and take ownership of their own issues. *
> 
> They do not blame their partner or others for their problems, nor do they assume the role of a victim. Interdependent couples are able to realize what their issues are on an individual level, and are dedicated and motivated to working through their issues, regardless of what their partner has chosen to do. They recognize when their issues are being brought into the marriage, and are dedicated to their own growth and recovery.
> 
> *2.** Interdependent couples don’t give up their own identity.*
> 
> They recognize the importance of having and maintaining their own identity outside of the marriage, in addition to their identity as a couple. I view interdependent relationships as having a “me”, “you”, and “us”. I like to think of interdependence like the concept of fire. In order for fire to burn, it must have the right amount of oxygen to survive. Without oxygen, the fire will burn out. Much the same in relationships, when one person “becomes” the other person, the relationship does not get the oxygen it needs in order to survive and the fire will go out. We call this term enmeshment.
> 
> On the same note, with too much oxygen, the fire will burn out of control. In relationships, when people become disconnected emotionally and there is too much distance between them, we term this “cut-off”. Interdependent couples are able to celebrate their individuality and uniqueness, without “becoming” the other person, or taking on the other person’s feelings. They feel confident to express their own opinions, without sacrificing their own sense of self for another person. At the same time, however, they are able to compromise in the relationship and are sensitive to the other person’s needs without compromising their own values and self-worth.
> 
> *3. **Interdependent couples are able to confront and criticize their partner in a non-judgmental, healthy, and non-blaming manner, without rage and without shaming. *
> 
> They also step up to the plate in accepting their own role in the marital conflict, accepting constructive criticism without becoming defensive or reactive. Because they are able to accept their own flaws, their own need for change, and work on their own issues, interdependent couples are fully accepting of each other, including their flaws! It is much like each partner is holding up a mirror to the other. This mirror allows the partner to see both strengths and weaknesses, which can be seen as an opportunity for growth as opposed to a passive-aggressive way of hurting the other person.
> 
> *4.* *Interdependent couples are not enablers, and set good boundaries and limits in their relationships*.
> 
> They do not enable nor do they invite hurtful, dysfunctional, and unhealthy behavior to continue in their partner or relationship. Through the continual process of recognizing and working on their own issues, as well as having a voice in their relationships, they share mutual respect with each other. When they do not feel respected, they are able to voice their feelings in a genuine manner. By setting good boundaries and limits with others, interdependent individuals hold others accountable for their actions.
> 
> They do not assume responsibility for, rescue, or make excuses for the other person’s unhealthy behavior. As they continue to work on their own growth and recovery, they are confident in letting go of unhealthy and destructive behaviors in their life.
> 
> *5.* *Interdependent couples fight!*
> 
> They fight in a healthy way and do not fear or avoid healthy conflict and uncomfortable feelings in their marriage. Because they are able to express their genuine feelings when they occur, they are able to show anger in a healthy way, without rage. When they do show their feelings in an unhealthy manner, they are able to recognize their relapse, realize what deeper issues have been touched, and forgive themselves without spiraling in shame.
> 
> They are also able to forgive their partners for their mistakes. Interdependent couples recognize that to deny feelings is to deny who we truly are. They accept that the full range of emotion is to be real. They know that without expressing genuine emotion, the feelings will run their lives and take over in the form of addictions or other counterproductive and unhealthy behaviors.
> 
> *6*. *Interdependent couples have healthy communication, with deep connection and intimate sharing*. Because they are consistently working on healing their emotional wounds and confronting their emotional pain, they feel free to communicate and show others their real self. Commitment to working on their relationship is a priority.
> 
> They commit to therapy and individual growth in their recovery. They trust the process of healing, trusting their ability to feel their pain, work through their issues, and follow through with their individual and marriage counseling appointments.





> I really dont want to be a "me" person, but she really slams me when i try to share my feelings and problems. I may see a problem with our M, but if she doesnt see it, she refuses to hear anything i might say.


 this is asking your partner to STUFF IT... it's completely counterproductive.. 

Can you share WHAT you are bringing to her -that causes her to shut you out...refusing to listen ?? 



> I'm guess this is a long, drawn out way of asking others to share how they argue and resolve..... Or just tell me if i am being a wimp.


Please see this thread *>>* http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...ead-4-types-5-1-ratio-marriage-conflicts.html


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## MichelleR

My husband used to be so much like what you're describing with your wife and we've gotten MUCH better but it wasn't easy to make that shift. I built up resentment with him for three years (you've been married waaay longer than that so I can't imagine how much resentment you have) but after being married three years I said enough is enough. I told him I needed him to treat me with more respect, stop being the only right one all the time, and actually apologize if he hurt my feelings even if he didn't think he did anything wrong. It was like the summer from hell because he was happy with the way things were and didn't want anything to change. I thought we might get divorced and suddenly we were fighting nonstop. I ended up writing him a lot of letters which really helped because when we talked we just fought. After a while he started to treat me much better actually.
My husband will always have a strong personality and strong opinions, plus he has a short fuse, and sometimes I still think he acts like a jerk. However it really is waay better. I don't resent him at all because we usually work out our issues. He doesn't invalidate my feelings like he used to and he apologizes if I'm upset.

Don't accept the disrespect and if she really loves you she'll treat you better because she won't want to lose you and will realize that she has to change the way she treats you if she wants you to stay.


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## Faiora

shane0147 said:


> Finally, i recently made a decision that i wanted to speak to her and try to work it out and find ways to improve our marriage. I had a narrative planned and wanted to ask her to go to marriage counseling. As soon as i started talking to her....
> 
> Attempt #1: this was near bedtime(bad timing), but we work odd schedules so i have to try when i can. I had just come off a week of night shifts, and she said she wasnt talking to me as i am too grouchy when i work nights. Totally brushed me off, but i chose to wait, said we didnt have to start the weekend off fighting.
> 
> Attempt #2: fast forward a few days past attempt 1. I told her i wanted to talk. I had gotten the kids in bed early, dinner, cleaned, etc. when i told her i wanted to speak, and why, she quickly said "what now" in a tone that made it clear she didnt want to hear me...


My suggestion is to try scheduling a meeting with her out of the house. Let her know there are some things you really want to talk about, but also that you know she must want to talk about some issues she has too, and maybe you can work together to make your lives run better. Set a meeting at a Starbucks or some other neutral ground. 

When you go, make a list together of some things that are bugging you. Then, work together to come up with solutions for all the problems, treating them all as shared problems rather than each other's problems. 

It may be a good idea to not overload right away with ALL the things that are bothering you. Stick with some concrete things, like money for example, and try and get to the core issue. The issue is not "you spend money then get mad at me for doing the same" - the issue is "we need to both know what's going on with our accounting and discuss our purchases together so we're both comfortable with it." And then you can talk together about a budget for personal spending or for things like trips and golfing. If she brings up issues in. A way that blames you, just nod and rephrase them as a general issue. For example, "you're always yelling at me" could be "anger levels in the house" - and then suddenly it's her responsibility to help come up with solutions, because it's a shared problem when it doesn't have your name on it. 

My husband and I (together 15+ years now) meet every other week or so (well, we try and sometimes keep it that frequent) and we've achieved a lot together using this approach. We've never spent much time arguing so I can't really say this solved an arguing issue, but it definitely keeps us both involved in and responsible for each other's wellbeing. We talk about everything from finances to hygiene... Diet and exercise, chores, things that need fixing or reorganizing, pet peeves. At the end we always set some concrete goals like "I'm going to reorganize the baking cupboard on Tuesday" and "we are not going to eat out for the next two weeks except Friday because it's my sister's birthday dinner." "I'm going to schedule my dentist appointment." And so on. We don't always manage to achieve everything, but when we check back at the next meeting, we can decide to either try harder, or decide it would be better to prioritize something else next instead.


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## ConanHub

One of us usually wins, sometimes even the right one, or we have really hot sex and everything is straightened out.

Probably not helpful but sex is an amazing negotiator.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## committed_guy

shane0147 said:


> Ok, this could create a good discussion. I often think about how to improve my marriage. Long story short, married 20 years (38 years old), 3 kids.... 19, 10, and 8.
> 
> Essentially our marriage is in trouble. At the core of our problems is communication. We argue a lot and i have a lot of resentment that i find it hard to let go of.
> 
> In years past, we would argue.... Ignore each other for a while.... Kiss and make up. Basically in that order. The problem is that the underlying issue gets kicked down the road. As we have gotten older, I have tried to change the way i argue. I try more often to tell her how i feel or how a problem makes me feel. I try to avoid "you do this" or "you are wrong" statements. Sometimes that may be the case, sometimes it isnt. I feel like my wife refuses to adopt that sort of approach and she basically sees it as an opportunity to squash me when we fight. Often, i think she escalates to shouting more as a way to avoid the issue, as opposed to the actual fight itself.
> 
> I have suggested mc multiple times but she is hell bent against that. If i had to describe my wifes personality, i would say she is very guarded and a bit of a narcissist. Not in the snobby, " prettier than you l" sense, but more that she has to be right and she is very quick to tell me what is wrong with me. When i try to share my feelings with her, she is very dismissive and invalidating. I just feel pretty hopeless.
> 
> I really dont want to be a "me" person, but she really slams me when i try to share my feelings and problems. I may see a problem with our M, but if she doesnt see it, she refuses to hear anything i might say.
> 
> I'm guess this is a long, drawn out way of asking others to share how they argue and resolve..... Or just tell me if i am being a wimp.
> 
> Thanks in advance


This was basically the problem my wife and I had. I thought it was sex but really we couldn't communicate or know how to fight fairly. For me it came down to an ultimatum: go to counseling or I am out. She choose counseling. It helped us with the communication part. I learned how to be a better communicator. I learned how to control my own emotions when I would get upset and listen to her in the heat of the argument. That's hard to do but possible.

There is hope if both of you are listening and willing to change. Use this as an opportunity, like I did, to become a better person. Realize that you may be wrong in some areas and need to change. Confess what you can, change and prove that to her. Then if you are doing the better thing than tell her to get her crap together or else you will be out the door. There should be a great many opportunities for her to want to mend before you leave though. That is, after you've already admitted your wrong doing and tried your best to clean up your side of the street. 

For me and my wife, when we argue I try to remain as calm as possible. I try to listen to what she is saying and not make it personally against her as a person. Sometimes she is right, I am being a jerk and I need to apologize for that. Sometimes she is rubbing against something raw in me and I need to time-out before continuing. I tell her: "i love you and want to resolve this but I need a time out. lets get together within the next couple days to resolve this". I grew up in an emotionally abusive family, so did my wife, so sometimes she pushes the right buttons which triggers that fight or flight response--That's when I call for the time out. That said, the issue needs to be resolved when cooler heads prevail. 

There is no use fighting to be right, only to make the relationship better. If that can't be done then seek out help to learn how to do that. An ultimatum may be necessary for the sake of your sanity. Again, no easy task, and many steps along the way to attempt reconciliation. God speed my friend.


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