# Embarassed



## utah987654321 (Sep 5, 2013)

I am embarrassed to admit this...and hope that this is some place where even if no one reads this.. I'll have at least admitted it. I've only been married for 2 months and am already wondering what is wrong. My husband never wants me. This started before we were married so I can't really say that being married is the problem, but he rarely wants to make love and when he does he says he wants to please me...but if it doesn't happen in 10 minutes decides that's long enough and finishes and goes to bed. I am so unfulfilled and feel incredibly embarrassed. I try to talk to him about it but he just gets mad and it never goes anywhere. We have a farm and I work on the farm before and after work and work full-time at my job. I feel like my husband married me because I work in his life instead of being in love with me. I am incredibly confused and am sick of having so many lonely days where I question myself and my self-worth. I wish I didn't want more from him so I wasn't so disappointed. I feel like there are days where I do the work of 3 people only to come home and have my husband ignore my needs . to me, it seems his idea of a marriage is cuddling for 2 minutes before he goes to bed or having jack rabbit sex once every 2 weeks. I know he is tired too, but he makes time to do the most random things so it's hard for me to not feel hurt when he would rather do a million other things than make love to his wife. this is so ridiculous and just writing this makes me embarrassed and ashamed for feeling this way.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

First off, wow, please don't feel embarrassed at all!

The reality is that you do feel this way, and therefore there is a problem and it needs to be addressed. I have seen a lot of people in similar situations try to beat themselves up over the notion of, "I know I feel this way, that I am feeling hurt/lonely/unloved/disrespected/etc., but I don't think I should be feeling this way. I should be happy, things aren't really THAT bad, so maybe something is wrong with me..." or something similar. So don't feel embarrassed or guilty or anything like that for feeling the way that you do and being concerned about it.

Being so early in your marriage, I'm sure it's tough. Not knowing a lot of the details, it's tough to offer suggestions that are very specific, but a few of my initial thoughts...

I think when issues appear so early in the marriage, it leads me to think that there is a misalignment of expectations and/or a misunderstanding of needs. Typically the feelings of love and willingness to make a partner happy are pretty darn high so close after the wedding, so I wonder if he just has a completely different expectation of what he feels his responsibilities to his wife should be, and his wife's responsibilities to himself should be. We have to remember that we all grow up in completely different environments, and our parents interactions (or step parents, grandparents, etc.) will enormously influence our perception of what a marriage should look like and what our expectations should be. For instance, if his mother gave his dad a shoulder rub every single night after he got home from work, that could easily shape his perception of "how a loving wife treats her husband" and inversely, "signs of an unloving wife." In that scenario, you might have no idea that your husband subconsciously believes that a loving wife should offer a gesture of some kind after he gets home, and if that doesn't happen, he feels unloved, or like something is missing that should be there that he can't even put his finger on, but it can shape his mood for the evening.

Similarly, it's worth considering your own upbringing. Perhaps your mom or dad used to work incredibly hard to for the other, and that might drive your feeling that you should do the same for your husband. In your perception, that might not just be working hard for your family, but also an indirect show of love for your husband, because it was an expression of love for your parents. Therefore, to see your husband not be as willing to "work hard" for you, whether it's helping you with home/farm work, or putting in more effort to pleasing you in bed, would hurt you much more than the average person who doesn't equate "hard work for spouse" with "How to show love". To your husband, he might just think that you really enjoy a hard working day, the feeling of being really productive, that your upbringing made you desire that, and have no idea that this could have anything to do with expressions of love. He might even believe that he is being supportive by not interfering with the tasks you do every day if you seem to enjoy them.

So he might be feeling bummed that you don't immediately offer some kind of "loving welcome home" gesture when he gets home each day (without even knowing why, or realizing that not everyone shares that same expectation) while you are equally feeling bummed that he isn't actively offering to come out and help you with farm work/chores, all the while you both are actually trying to show each other love, but in completely different ways that are only interpreted as loving gestures by yourselves alone and not the other! (Relationships are crazy right?!)

Those are just a couple of examples. I attended a series of marriage lectures probably two years into my marriage where "Expectations" were the main topic and I learned a ton about how they can really make or break a relationship in the early days if you can't learn to figure out how your own expectations differ from your spouses. Another similar concept, and a book I HIGHLY recommend, is the Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. I attended one of his seminar's about four years ago and WOW, such an awesome and simple idea that, when employed in your marriage, can make a huge difference very quickly without much effort.

Other thoughts... have you and he ever discussed sex outside of the context of "we need to discuss this because I'm not satisfied"? Like, just discussing sexual needs, interests, etc. without it being about solving a problem, so that no one needs to feel defensive. One good thing to remember about men is that we are very, very well aware of what kind of traits/qualities make a "good man", and we work hard to maintain that perception that we have them all. Strong, confidence, leadership skills, sexual dynamo, keeping emotions to ourselves, etc. There are certain topics that we are very sensitive to, and it sounds like the big one you are concerned about is his libido and his performance in bed. Remember the perception is that a strong, virile male has testosterone bursting from his veins, pursues sex with his mate frequently, tends to be somewhat dominant, and always leaves her satisfied and wanting more.

So if there is an issue there, you have to be very very delicate with how you approach it.

Sorry I have to run to a meeting and don't have time to finish this thought, but maybe I've been wordy enough for one post, lol.


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## utah987654321 (Sep 5, 2013)

I have to admit as much as I wrote that I just needed to admit that I was feeling the way I am, I have been checking back here to see if anyone had any words of support/suggestions/or whatever and I greatly appreciate your comment. I should say tremendously appreciate you comment. 

I think you hit on some very important things. Families and upbringing. These are 2 very different things for my husband and I and have been a major source of many of our arguments. Our families have completely different backgrounds and qualities. His father treats his mother like she is an idiot and demeans her on a regular basis by dismissing her opinions and wholly ignoring any feelings or comments she has. 

My husband and I have addressed this multiple times as I tend to be old-fashioned and follow the creed that to understand how a man will treat his wife, watch how he treats his mother. My husband has sworn up and down to me that this is not what he wants to do and not the relationship he seeks to have with me....however when push comes to shove he continually acts like any emotional reaction I have to things is hassle/annoying/unmwarranted...keep filling in the adjectives. I have seen a big change in his attitude towards me now that I am his wife. I noticed this change after we got engaged. It was like somehow because I had agreed to be with him, he no longer had to talk to me with any constraint on his emotions or of what he said. I've noticed significant changes in his temper when we disagree. I just feel like I am married to someone who is very selfish and doesn't even get it that he should care when I bring up my feelings.

I broke down last night and told him that I can't keep doing this. That I'm not feeling like this can go on and that I want to say mean things to him to try to hurt him so he gets how much he hurts me. I tried to be as honest with him as I could and take responsibility for my emotions. He just stood there and said nothing. It was so late and I had to get up this morning again at 5am so after a few humiliating minutes crying in front of him and him not saying anything I just told him if he didn't have anything to say that I had to go. 

He hasn't spoken to me today, except to tell me that I am screwing up his business because I let our best employee (who we can't afford to lose) go home because his grandma is in the hospital and the doctor told the family they should say their goodbye's. 

I am realizing that I am more sensitive that I ever thought and the smallest of things he could do would mean the world to me. 

One thing I realized as I've been juggling this all around in my head was he hasn't asked me how I am or how my day was or anything since we've been married. Not once. 

I ask him this everyday.


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## utah987654321 (Sep 5, 2013)

The more I think of your comment about how we perceive love, I think you are right. He doesn't see me working my ass of in my career and basically working another 5 hours a day on the farm as supporting him or loving him. His mother never worked, didn't keep a clean house, or offer much in the way of discussion. I hate to say that, but it's true. For the most part the way his mother shows love is by cooking. I don't cook often because I usually am working all day and get home the same time as my husband at night (9pm). If he is hungry I will make him something as he sits in front of the t.v. in his recliner (god this sounds so pathetic)...but I do try to cater to his needs because I know he does more physical labor most days that I do as my career has me in front of a desk from 9-5. 

It really is unfortunate he doesn't see how hard I work for him and for us. I understand you have to show people love how they perceive it, but this just supports my ultimate fear that he will leave me for some trailer park, useless, weak woman who he has to take care of and 'needs him'. As much as he says that he loves me because I am so different from other women he's been with...you're right that I'm never going to make him happy. Since he's met me his farm has completely turned around and he has doubled his operation. We have bought a house. We've known eachother for 2 years. I hate stating those things because it comes off so much like a martyr, but I guess it just feels like he completely takes everything I do for granted. 

He wants a wife like me on paper, but wants a aimless wife who sits home and bakes him cookies on a daily basis. 

I shake my head at myself for marrying someone who was so different from me.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

I'm sorry to hear that he hasn't checked in with you today, especially after the outburst and tears last night. I don't know how a guy can watch a woman cry and not immediately do everything in his power to "make it all better". then again, a woman crying is like kryptonite for me.

For the record, I never said that you are never going to make him happy, and I certainly didn't mean to imply that in the slightest. I apologize if that is how it came out. I merely put out the suggestion that perhaps you both are speaking different languages in your interactions with each other and it might be worth looking at your family backgrounds for inspiration. Further, just because you speak different languages or show/feel love in different ways, doesn't mean you can't both learn each other's language to a certain degree. If he feels love most when you offer to cook for him, then I'm sure you could adjust your schedule every now and then (no it doesn't have to be every day like his mom did) to cook a meal or special treat for him. The reality is, if that is indeed one big way that he feels love, that baking him one batch of cookies will have a greater impact on him than a hundred hours of work you put into the farm for his sake. 

The same applies to you of course too. You say it yourself here, "and the smallest of things he could do would mean the world to me." That's because you already clearly know that showing love in a way that you embrace does not come naturally to him. So if he were to go out of his way every now and then to express that gesture of love just for you, it would probably mean more to you than the sun and the stars combined, and certainly worth more than 100 of the gestures he probably does to show love that aren't your natural language.

So I mean, IF any of this is true (and it's a big IF really, lord knows I'm no counselor, I just have read a handful of marriage books and believe in some of the concepts they present), then the only way you could never make him happy is if you decide that you are incapable of change and unwilling to commit to a few new behaviors every now and then to make your husband feel loved. And really, it's super easy. I think I mentioned that in my last post.

For my wife, she feels loved the most via verbal compliments, appreciation, messages of praise or gratitude, etc. It absolutely makes her day if, out of the blue, I compliment take notice of the fact that she is wearing a new pair of shoes and that they look great on her. Or if she decides to cook a new recipe and I tell her it turned out great. Or if I write her a note and leave it on the bathroom mirror letting her know that I was thinking last night about how much I appreciate it when she gets up five minutes early every day to iron my shirt for me. Just simple things like that. It fills her "love tank" right up. 

The thing is, none of that stuff comes natural to me in the slightest. I'm not a very verbal person, nor am I very observant to be honest. I tell my wife I love her all the time, but never really felt like I needed to explain WHY, in different ways, every day. I always kind of thought, "Hey babe, if I DON'T think you look great, or that your food is good, etc., then I will you know. Otherwise, can you just assume I think you're doing great?" Lol. So really, it just came down to me literally taking no more than just a few minutes per day to come up with two verbal or written compliments or expressions of appreciation each day. Typically once in the morning and once in the evening. It's not difficult at all, and since I started doing that, now I frequently come up with 3 or 4 per day, since my mind is sort of reprogrammed to keep a mental eye open for such opportunities.

For me, I'm more of a physical guy. I feel loved most when she has physical contact with me. No that isn't just a round-about way of saying SEX, though that is certainly part of it. It's literally about touch. If we're watching TV or a movie together, it is feeling her slide over to lean against me, or rest her hand on my leg. It's cuddling up to me in bed. When passing each other in a room or hall, she might touch one or both hands to my hips while we're passing. If she walks into the room and I'm doing something, she might walk up behind me and put her hand on my shoulder when saying hello or to ask me a question. Holding my hand while walking. Etc. And yes, totally the sex too.

Same story with her, she doesn't feel a natural desire for physical touch on a regular basis. That doesn't mean love to her, so she's had to try to reprogram herself just a little bit too. It's not all the time, and lord knows it doesn't change who she is or her personality. She just knows that those small touches or leaning into me or whatever absolutely electrifies me with loving feelings. Plus, we guys KNOW you women know how to manipulate us into doing anything you want us to do, and she knows that if she keeps me loaded by rubbing my shoulders every now and then or resting her hand on my knee while driving or something for a while, I'll be happy and will be much more inclined to do whatever she asks to make her happy as well. You ladies are a sneaky bunch...


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## utah987654321 (Sep 5, 2013)

cdbaker...you are a godsend! I have no idea which way my relationship will go and if we will stand the test of time, but please know you have taken a very dark cloud and pushed it, albeit not totally away, but enough to help me to start thinking more clearly and feeling less helpless.

Thank you too Mavash...It may sound needy, but I really needed to hear some words of support today and yours' helped.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

You have my sympathy, Utah!

I don't know that I'd recommend sticking it out. You've been together 2 years and it's been downhill emotionally for you since the engagement. The sex was not good before the wedding either.

Now you've got 2 MONTHS (8-10 WEEKS) into the marriage and

you're still not getting decent sex
or frequent sex
or acknowledgement for what you do
or respect
he won't discuss things with you maturely
he doesn't respect your feelings
you're 'ruining his business' that you've helped him successfully build
he sees no value in your opinions/wishes/wants/desires
he shuts off emotionally when you've barely even been together
If you were my daughter, I'd point out that you SHOULD be 

tearing each other's clothes off
having wild crazy monkey sex...A LOT
talking/sharing/laughing/bonding into the wee hours of the night
BECAUSE you're newlyweds!
You've got NONE of this. I believe in ALL HONESTY that you should cut your losses. I don't see that you two have much to work with (except financially...and THAT is nothing to build a life, a marriage, a family on).

It would be different if you guys had a GREAT relationship and then it got derailed. It sounds as though you've NEVER had a great relationship. Save yourself the heartache, he's NOT the right man for you and you're NOT the right woman for him.


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## utah987654321 (Sep 5, 2013)

I am so sad to be back on here looking for more advice. Although I fear it's not advice I'm looking for but just pathetic sympathy as now there is nothing I can do as I recently found out I'm pregnant. The idea of divorce before seemed so scary and impulsive and now it just seems impossible. I have spent the past month trying my best to show him love in the ways he will see it. I cook all the flipping time for us and have taken care of all aspects of our home life. Although this really doesn't seem like anything new as since we've been together 6 months I've paid all home expenses and maintained all home chores. I will just toot my own horn here, but I mean all chores from laundry to cleaning to mowing the lawn to painting our house. All of it. Anything that involves our home life I manage...on top of manage the finances for the farm and doing 3-4 hours of chores at the farm on top of my full time job everyday. I guess I just want someone to acknowledge this. I would mostly like my husband to but he is so god damn self consumed to even recognize anything around him. The cooking hasn't paid off in the slightest. He was raised poor and his father and mother have a very dysfunctional relationship. Because his mother never graduated from high school (and even though she annoys the hell out of me) his father treats her like an idiot and never values her opinion. His mother is severely overweight and talks openly about them not having sex in a decade. it's all just repulsive to me and I think that more I'm with my husband that that is what he thinks a marriage is. When we met, I got past his family and the tendencies because he always told me how different he wants to be from them...but the more life steps we make the more I realize it's who he is and what he knows and he thinks as long as he's not slapping me and telling me to shut up that he's not his father. I am so confused what to do. On top of this since the last I wrote I found out I'm pregnant. I want to be happy and just writing this is making my heart break that I'm not. I want nothing more than to be a good mother and I am filled with fear that I will be a terrible mother because of how unhappy I am and how depressed I am about my future with my husband. I put on a smiley face and 99% of people that know me would probably classify me as happy, out-going, and always willing to help and have a good time. Inside I am falling apart, hate myself, and want to cry at how wrong my life has become. I tried talking to my husband last night about my worries about our finances and what we would need to do to prepare for a child and he turned it around on me and how I'm a negative person. He yelled at me and then stormed out of the room and slept on the couch. I was balling in our bed uncontrollably at how pathetic this all is and how he doesn't care at all about all the stress I carry around managing things. Finally I made the decision that it's best I start planning my future to be a single mom. How pathetic. I read about all these wives on here doing all this messed up stuff to their husbands and it makes me sick to think how I cater to his every need and work my butt of to provide for us...only to be ignored anytime that I need a shoulder to cry on or support. Just a stupid example. He pays his cell phone bill, his parents and, up until a year ago his sisters. Guess who pays my cell phone bill?


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## utah987654321 (Sep 5, 2013)

[It would be different if you guys had a GREAT relationship and then it got derailed. It sounds as though you've NEVER had a great relationship. Save yourself the heartache, he's NOT the right man for you and you're NOT the right woman for him.

It's days like today when I think you are so right...but then I give in and don't want to be upset so I make it right (why?! I think I am self-deprecating idiot) and then things are fine for a few weeks and then...well I'm on back on her aren't I ? 

He doesn't care about me...he cares to be married to someone like me and he does as little work possible to care for me and the life I want is of no concern to him.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Wow, just think of having to do all the work that you listed here AND take care of a new, needy baby! (Birth control should have been very high on your priority list, given your situation, but what's done is done.) Tell him that if he doesnt man up and start being a contributing partner and a real husband, that you are leaving him. And you need to MEAN IT. You are going to have to be willing to walk away if you want to save this. I would say your chances are slim, but who knows, it may be enough to shake his world and wake him up. This is not a marriage that you are in, he contributes nothing, and you dont need him. You are better off being a single mother than staying in this miserable situation.


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## utah987654321 (Sep 5, 2013)

He contributes to his farm and because that is all consuming he thinks he has to do nothing at home. He just came home and we had a major blow out. I am scared that all this screaming and crying is hurting this baby and I feel like a degenerate for having these kinds of problems. I never in a million years thought I would be in this position. It seems like when I choose to look away and pretend that everything is just going to magically work out, we get along fine, but the second I ask any questions or tell him about my concerns our relationship goes to hell. I do think I would be healthier and happier alone, but now that I'm pregnant I know I will not divorce him and try to make this work. He is such a freaking jerk though and it just kills me to think that I married someone like this.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

utah987654321 said:


> He contributes to his farm and because that is all consuming he thinks he has to do nothing at home. He just came home and we had a major blow out. I am scared that all this screaming and crying is hurting this baby and I feel like a degenerate for having these kinds of problems. I never in a million years thought I would be in this position. It seems like when I choose to look away and pretend that everything is just going to magically work out, we get along fine, but the second I ask any questions or tell him about my concerns our relationship goes to hell. I do think I would be healthier and happier alone, but n*ow that I'm pregnant I know I will not divorce him and try to make this work.* He is such a freaking jerk though and it just kills me to think that I married someone like this.



Well if he knows *THIS* then he will see no reason to change, and welcome to the rest of your life.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Hi, 
I'm an infrequent poster on this message board. I came here looking for a more mature forum. I frequently get quite overwhelmed here by the serious troubles people have. So if you go read the other things I have written here you might think I have nothing to offer you. I decided to answer because if there is one thing I do know that is probably rare here it is Farms.

I'm not a farmer but I went to school in a small western High school with a bunch of dairy farmers and dry farmers. I met a bunch of my friends mothers (farm wives). Many of the girls I knew ended up married to some farmer. I still live in the area and I still know a lot of farm wives. They impress me.

O K so I have read all of your posts on this thread. I apologize for anything I might have misread. I see that CDBaker has been walking you through love languages. I also see that you aren't happy and nothing seems to be improving.

I'm going to give you some seriously radical advice because to me it "feels" right. Remember that I am not a professional counselor, just an old guy who has seen a lot. And, remember that you are at the end of your rope. So you think about what I have to say. You are overstressed. Much of the bad you are feeling is coming from that. You are working 13 -16 hours a day and weekends I suspect. You are strong and competent at what you do best, and you are having your competence challenged. You are not getting the sex you need. All of these things are building a pile of stress that is killing the fun out of you. It is more than you can do. 

Here is the advice. Cut out some of the work. You need to reduce your work day by about 3 hours. I would advise the three hours right after you get home from work. If you are thinking about how your husband is going to feel about this think about how he will feel if you leave him completely. 

Next take a weekend off away from him. Since you are contemplating a breakup it would be a good idea to clear your mind and think with out the stress directly on. 

Next sex. It never fails to amaze me how bad things can be, and it all feels like it's going to be fine after a good marital sex session. It reminds you what you are there for. For some reason it makes you believe you can win. In your case it really is "take me to bed" (and give me an orgasm) "or lose me forever" - Quoted from Top Gun and probably many other sources. 

I believe that reducing the stress in your life will lead to your happiness faster than a divorce. On the other hand, I would not rule out divorce at this point. To me there are two valid reasons for ending a marriage, first infidelity and second abuse. His behavior is abusive without physical violence. Yes he is handicapped by his upbringing, but it still needs to be fixed. He is telling you that you are stupid. (not in so many words) and he is withholding affection. 

Mr. N


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## accept1 (Sep 23, 2013)

I share your concern but as you say you are not going to divorce and I congratulate you for that, what you have to do, is to do the best in your situation.

If he doesnt want to be asked questions or share your concerns then dont. Ask them here if you must.

If you choose to look away you get along fine then that is what you must do. 

I think if you give him a 'break' for a time things will improve.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

accept1 said:


> I share your concern but as you say you are not going to divorce and I congratulate you for that, what you have to do, is to do the best in your situation.
> 
> *If he doesnt want to be asked questions or share your concerns then dont. Ask them here if you must.
> 
> ...


This is not a marriage. This is shoving your own needs down just to keep the peace! What the hell kind of way is that to live??

Utah...I'm telling you now...he is perfectly content with things the way they are. He doesnt care that you are unhappy, and are losing your self respect. He doesnt care that he is hurting you. Why should he change when he has his subservient little wifey tiptoeing around him, doing whatever he wants, and never complaining? If you dont shake his world up, things are going to stay exactly the way they are today, only worse, because you are throwing a baby into this mess.* If you change nothing, then nothing changes!*

Oh, and this is not the kind of marriage that is healthy for children to grow up in, either.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

Sorry to see you have had to come back Utah... First, you mentioned that now that you are pregnant, you'll definitely not divorce him. Believe me I am not saying that you should divorce him, but if you in any way give him the impression that the marriage is now 100% safe because you are pregnant, then just as 3xnocharm said, he will have zero motivation to change. On the flip side, that doesn't mean you should go threaten him with divorce either.

I also completely agree with nearly everything that Mr. Nail said. Besides your husband sounding pretty clueless to everything you are going through, you sound completely exhausted, exasperated, and terrified. All of that points to you being overworked, under-rested (under-sexed too) and carrying way too much responsibility. You need to find a way to cut a ton of your workload out of your life, quickly. Fewer work hours, fewer chores, maybe less cooking or cooking easier meals, etc. 

Devise a plan that allows for this reduction to a much more reasonable workload, and then share it with your husband along with your reasoning for why. Don't make it about him because it will come across as complaining and he'll probably just feel attacked and respond defensively/angrily the way he did yesterday. Explain that you simply have to reduce your stress, you have been doing way too much, and this is how you are going to address it, in a kind and pleasant way.

He might be concerned about you doing less due to a potential financial impact on both of you, or it meaning that he has to do more. (Again, I suggest that you NOT say that he needs to pick up the slack or tell him what you want him to do or complain about anything he hasn't done. That baits him for a negative response) As long as you keep it about you however, he won't have much ground to stand on as far as complaining. If you work more hours than he does, he can't complain too much about you reducing your workload to a similar level as his own. If you do most of the chores, cooking and farm work, then he can't really complain too much about you reducing that workload when it will still likely be higher than his own.

If he shares any concerns or offers any suggestions or alternatives, certainly consider those and be open to modifying your plan if reasonable. Don't let him rope you into blaming him or making it about him.


Another observation... It sounds like your biggest need that is not being met is a need to feel appreciated, acknowledged, valued, etc. It also sounds like he is not a very verbal person. You hear about those type of situations sometimes where (more often the guy) figures, "Of course I love/appreciate her. She knows I love/appreciate her. I don't need to say it all the time. If there comes a time I don't love and appreciate her, then I'll let her know" while wondering if she needs to be told the sky is still blue every day too? I think a LOT of people operate in that way to some degree or another, and a lot of men were raised to be that way as well. Further, if the wife of that type of man is constantly coming to him and seeking acknowledgement of love/appreciation, he'll feel nagged and overwhelmed. If she does it often, it could also feel like rejection or like she is beating into him the notion that he is failing as a man/husband, which could produce anger and/or retreating from the situation entirely, as it comes off as disrespectful in any case. (Remember, men value respect more than anything else from others.)

I'm DEFINITELY not saying that this unhappiness is your fault or anything like that, just trying to offer a thought on how it might be viewed from his angle and maybe some perspective on how you could approach him a little differently. One example. I think you'll get a way more positive response from the average man if you ask him graciously for his help with something and indicating that you'll appreciate it if he does, than by complaining that he doesn't do it enough or the right way or complaining about you always having to do it. If/when he does it for you or helps you with whatever it is, anything you can do to sort of stroke his need for respect is a good idea as well, like letting him now how well he did the task, or how he is the best at that task, or you couldn't have done it without him. Sort of like Pavlov's theory, give him a little treat and he'll be more apt to continue the positive behavior! Lol.


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