# Guy's advice would be great...



## looking up (Aug 17, 2013)

Together 7 years. Told me we would get married by the end of the year (his idea). Had a rough patch (miscommunication from both sides but that seemed to weaken us). He is now dating a girl a decade younger, but wanted to "stay friends". I refused and broke off all contact for two months. He continued pursuing for a friendship but I ignored all contact. I recently texted him about our shared assets a few times. Had back and forth banter each time. He is no longer contacting me. But we still have shared assets that he could easily remove himself from and hasn't.

Not contacting him has helped me move on. But I do still have feelings for him. Is there anything I could do as a last shot to save what we had?

Thank you for any opinion or advice you could give.


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## sparkyjim (Sep 22, 2012)

Simple answer.... no.

Read "It's called A Break up Because it's Broken."

It is written for women but I had it recommended to me by a guy, and it is recommended reading on a men's site that I sometimes visit.

Seriously, read the book. It's all there...


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## looking up (Aug 17, 2013)

Thank you sparkyjim for your reply.

Will check out the book.

Just got an email from him. He wants to talk. Says he still wants to be friends. All communication before this has been limited to texting since I refused to pick up his phone.

Any advice? I haven't replied. Is this just to keep me as a backup in case it doesn't work out with his current girlfriend?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Screw being friends. That usually doesn't work out anyway. Divide up the shared assets, and move on already.

Whether he wants to keep you around for "plan b" or because he doesn't want to be the bad guy or whatever reason, there's no reason for you to play his game. As you've already learned, it's easier to move on he's not in your life.

And honestly, his GF would be wise to not stand for him hanging out with his ex anyway... Opposite sex friends are risky enough in a relationship. Opposite sex friends that you've slept with are that much worse.

C


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

You do not want him as a friend you want him as your bf/Husband---soul mate. He just wants to be your friend. Friends and soul mates are two different relationships.

It would be an insult to be asked to be friends when he dumped you for another woman. Tell him if you want a loyal friend you will get a dog. He has stabbed you in the heart so that is not the kind of person that I would even want for a friend

If he is keeping you on the hook just in case his current GF does not work out; well that is even a bigger insult!



Blunt


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

sparkyjim said:


> Simple answer.... no.
> 
> Read "It's called A Break up Because it's Broken."
> 
> ...


A perfect answer.


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## ManOhMan2013 (Aug 1, 2013)

Perhaps he is using these assets that you both own together as a manipulation to keep a link to you? If so, you might have to contact a lawyer. I hate lawyers. They are rip offs. It will cost you money.


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## looking up (Aug 17, 2013)

PBear said:


> Screw being friends. That usually doesn't work out anyway. Divide up the shared assets, and move on already.
> 
> Whether he wants to keep you around for "plan b" or because he doesn't want to be the bad guy or whatever reason, there's no reason for you to play his game. As you've already learned, it's easier to move on he's not in your life.
> 
> ...


Thank you for your reply. I agree, being friends or playing his game is not something I'm interested in. As for his GF, she has no idea about me. I'm assuming that speaks volumes. Just don't know if it means she's that important that he doesn't want to risk her sense of security by mentioning me. Or that I'm that unimportant that she doesn't need to know about me


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## looking up (Aug 17, 2013)

Mr Blunt said:


> You do not want him as a friend you want him as your bf/Husband---soul mate. He just wants to be your friend. Friends and soul mates are two different relationships.
> 
> It would be an insult to be asked to be friends when he dumped you for another woman. Tell him if you want a loyal friend you will get a dog. He has stabbed you in the heart so that is not the kind of person that I would even want for a friend
> 
> ...


Thank you for your reply. Very well worded. "Friends and soul mates are two different relationships." I completely agree. And, you are right. Not only about that, but it is insulting to be just a friend or even a backup plan.


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## looking up (Aug 17, 2013)

thatbpguy said:


> A perfect answer.


Thank you for your input.


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## looking up (Aug 17, 2013)

ManOhMan2013 said:


> Perhaps he is using these assets that you both own together as a manipulation to keep a link to you? If so, you might have to contact a lawyer. I hate lawyers. They are rip offs. It will cost you money.


Thank you for your reply. I completely agree with you. There is no other benefit I can think of. It gives him the comfort of knowing he has a justifiable reason to contact me.

I dearly wish it doesn't reach the point where we would have to use legal means of ending things.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Seven years is more than enough time to waste on this guy. If, after 7 years, he didn't know which side of his toast was buttered, piss on him. Wanting to "stay friends" is his code for keeping you as his backup plan in case Miss Thang doesn't work out. You deserve to be number one in some guy's life and you shouldn't be willing to settle for less.


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## looking up (Aug 17, 2013)

Also, I haven't replied to his email. And, I don't plan on it either. He usually tries contacting about every four days. Having been two months, is quite confusing. Have no idea what it's going to take to burn him out. I wish it was because he wanted to give us another shot. But, it feels like I'm just important enough to have around as a source of comfort but not anything more. It's just so confusing to see someone I've cared so much for up and move on. I wish this wasn't the case. But, I genuinely appreciate the all input. Can get quite confusing when trying to figure out a guy's motivation or actions on your own. Thanks again.


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## looking up (Aug 17, 2013)

unbelievable said:


> Seven years is more than enough time to waste on this guy. If, after 7 years, he didn't know which side of his toast was buttered, piss on him. Wanting to "stay friends" is his code for keeping you as his backup plan in case Miss Thang doesn't work out. You deserve to be number one in some guy's life and you shouldn't be willing to settle for less.


Thank you for your reply. True. It is ample time. Makes sense. I guess that goes for me too. I guess I truly never understood him. Scary. Given me something to think about.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

The thing is... you don't HAVE to understand "why". You just need to understand "what IS". And it seems like you do. You do not need to know his motives. Let that go. Who cares? He lost. 

Figure out what YOU need to do about his shared "assets" and inform him of how it is going to go. (via email preferably) YOU are in charge of your life, and of your assets... none of it is up to him. PERIOD.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> Also, I haven't replied to his email. And, I don't plan on it either. He usually tries contacting about every four days. Having been two months, is quite confusing. Have no idea what it's going to take to burn him out. I wish it was because he wanted to give us another shot. But, it feels like I'm just important enough to have around as a source of comfort but not anything more. It's just so confusing to see someone I've cared so much for up and move on. I wish this wasn't the case. But, I genuinely appreciate the all input. Can get quite confusing when trying to figure out a guy's motivation or actions on your own. Thanks again.


Looking Up
You sound like a strong woman. You have refused to be played and have taken a stand that is hard to do; you are not allowing contact.

I know you maybe questing your worth but from what you have written I can see that you are worth a lot more than he is. He is only looking out for himself and that is NOT a reflection on you. Because this man refuses to be loyal ad work on himself he takes the cop out way and gets another woman. That is him being selfish and not having the decency to be up front about everything.

You were loyal and did not cheat. You are strong enough to suffer the pain and still hold on to your dignity then make him accountable for stabbing you in the heart. *That is admirable!*

Hold on to your dignity and worth and in time he will not be a major factor in your life. Some other man is gong to find you and appreciates your character. *Make sure that the new man has better character than your ex!*
Blunt


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## looking up (Aug 17, 2013)

SunnyT said:


> The thing is... you don't HAVE to understand "why". You just need to understand "what IS". And it seems like you do. You do not need to know his motives. Let that go. Who cares? He lost.
> 
> Figure out what YOU need to do about his shared "assets" and inform him of how it is going to go. (via email preferably) YOU are in charge of your life, and of your assets... none of it is up to him. PERIOD.


Thank you for your reply. You are right. "What is" focuses on the actions that lead to this reality. I guess I was looking at "why" out of habit (used to looking at the intention behind an action in order improve our relation). But, you are right. I didn't even realize I was doing this till you pointed it out.

And, I like that. "YOU are in charge of your life", "none of it is up to him. PERIOD." Simply stated, yet empowering.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Find out when these assets default to you and make preparations for that.

IT seems to me that he thinks you using these assets to remain in contact with him.


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## looking up (Aug 17, 2013)

Mr Blunt said:


> Looking Up
> You sound like a strong woman. You have refused to be played and have taken a stand that is hard to do; you are not allowing contact.
> 
> I know you maybe questing your worth but from what you have written I can see that you are worth a lot more than he is. He is only looking out for himself and that is NOT a reflection on you. Because this man refuses to be loyal ad work on himself he takes the cop out way and gets another woman. That is him being selfish and not having the decency to be up front about everything.
> ...


Thank you for the encouragement  I wasn't sure anyone would notice my update. "he takes the cop out way and gets another woman" is exactly how I felt. And, you are right. When you are with someone for more than a decent amount of time, it does affect affect one's self worth. Maybe not in the typical sense. But, for me, it's created a slight sense of doubt. The only reason I say "slight" is because part of me refuses to give in to someone else having the power to determine my value. But the part that has the doubt makes me wonder if someone couldn't appreciate me after 7 years, based on what can I expect another person to see my value? Knowing me, I should get over this doubt soon. I guess it's just because it's still recent.

Thank you for the appreciation. Means a lot 

About his character - I didn't realize he was capable of this until it happened. After this, I would of course be able to recognize someone who mirrored his recent actions. I just tend to find it difficult to "detect" someone capable of this when their actions and words are in sync. Though it's vague, if you have any pointers, would greatly appreciate it. (Of course, I realize, it's hard to generalize and certain things may not apply to all situations).


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## looking up (Aug 17, 2013)

NextTimeAround said:


> Find out when these assets default to you and make preparations for that.
> 
> IT seems to me that he thinks you using these assets to remain in contact with him.


Thank you for your reply. I have emailed him telling him I wish to forfeit my share. I am thinking of it as the price I pay for my self respect. Despite my ignoring him for two months, he has continuously used that as an excuse to get in touch. I wanted to end all excuses for communication (including from my side, as I have contacted him about the assets as well). These two months have greatly helped reduce the pain associated in communicating. I know I am in a position to move on now. But, the fact is, despite it all, I still care about him (but that doesn't mean I have to express it or stay and feel humiliated). 

And, I don't think it would be right for me to put myself in a position of regular communication (even if it's just for the assets). I have the courage to move on now. But, if I get used to him contacting me again, I don't want to be stuck being a third wheel in anyone's relationship. Though two months has helped, I don't want to put myself in a position where I have any remote chance of getting used to his contact and trying to be happy with the scraps of time he gives me. As Mr Blunt said, "Friends and soul mates are two different relationships."

That's a completely different thing that he replied refusing to let me forfeit my share. Makes me think he's using it as a way to keep in touch and to relieve himself of any guilt. Anyhow, I've put myself in a position that he knows where I stand on the assets and should get the point when he gets no reply.


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