# Only one person compromising...



## Mrs.K (Apr 12, 2012)

And that is me. A few weeks back we had a fight and finally figured out why our sex life wasn't where we wanted it etc. He was bored so I told him we'd do the things that he likes more. BUT I did not mean every time and he knows that.

I am not into the thing that he likes really at all especially a couple specific things that I hate and I have told him that but he says it is the thing he likes the most and we have done it anyway when I said it should be a once in a while thing.

So now I have to choose who has a good sex life. Me or him. He is certainly winning because he has gotten his way every time we have had sex since our fight.

I am not sure if I should say anything or just keep going like we are. If I say something I don't want him to get mad or upset but if I don't say anything (even though I shouldn't have to.. he knows I hate it) I will be miserable.

He usually isn't this selfish.

I have never been so happy to see my period come than I was this morning because at least I won't have to deal with all of this for a few days.

I also don't like the thought of him not being able to get off on 'regular' sex. He can now but if it keeps up like this most likely after awhile he won't.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

Sounds like he's been wanting change for a long time, and he finally spilled the beans and is in essence trying to make up for lost time by getting what he wanted all along every time.

I think you should ask that you two save the non-vanilla stuff for special occasions. Perhaps 1-2x a month?


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## studley (Oct 19, 2011)

No partner should have to do what they don't want to - period!
I see numerous posts where the guy is really hung up on doing one thing (like anal for instance) that they are ready to divorce if she won't comply. Sheesh!!!!!


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

studley said:


> No partner should have to do what they don't want to - period!


I agree that people shouldn't feel forced to engage in distasteful sex. But, I think that expanding your comfort zone is necessary in a marriage. So, if you're comfortable with sex that's a 3 on your ick-factor scale, try to throw in some occasional stuff that is a 4 to see how that goes. Don't try to go straight to an 8. That's way down the road, if ever.



studley said:


> I see numerous posts where the guy is really hung up on doing one thing (like anal for instance) that they are ready to divorce if she won't comply. Sheesh!!!!!


Which posts are these? The only men I have seen who are ready to divorce while getting regular sex are men who get resentful, "let's get this over with" sex.


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## Mrs.K (Apr 12, 2012)

It is not even that I mind doing these things that make him happy. If it is something he loves I am willing but I just don't want it to become an almost nightly thing..

I think where he was finally open and honest with me about what he wanted I am just going to ride it out for a while and hope that eventually it will taper off a bit.


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## Mrs.K (Apr 12, 2012)

michzz said:


> It depends on what you are referring to how I wold comment.
> 
> Can you be specific?



Sure, he likes using restraints, blindfold.. but the thing he likes the most is tape over the mouth?? I don't like it, I don't understand it and it just feels silly and for some reason icks me out A LOT.


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## FormerNiceGuy (Feb 13, 2012)

Mrs.K said:


> Sure, he likes using restraints, blindfold.. but the thing he likes the most is tape over the mouth?? I don't like it, I don't understand it and it just feels silly and for some reason icks me out A LOT.


Read "Arousal" by Michael Bader. It is a sex therapist's view of the psychology behind much common fantasy/kink.

If you buy the book's analysis, your husband likes bondage because he doesn't feel free to experience his full sexuality without you being restrained. He may very well have shame about his sexual urges and you being tied up gives him the freedom to act on them without restraint. He may not believe that any woman would accept and enjoy his sexual energy "unleashed" and so the restraint fantasy gives him permission to play it out.

This fantasy has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him.

In my experience, if your husband spends the time to consider his urges more carefully, he will likely grow as a human being, husband and lover. I would bet that the "compulsive" part of this fantasy will go away and it can become something you share (provided you enjoy it) occasionally.


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## dubbizle (Jan 15, 2012)

Why not just talk with him and say how about we do that every Friday or Saturday night or every other and keep it special but if you do that its has to happen.

Did you also tell him what you like? If not you should and start living out some of your fantasies.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

You just need to stand up for yourself. Tell him that, tonight is about you. Do your favorite things. If he's unwilling to share the spotlight, then you need to turn the thermostat down. If he needs to have bondage sex every single time, then every single time needs to be an occasional thing. I'm betting that he would rather have bondage sex once a week and vanilla sex twice a week than bondage sex once a week with nothing else.

Good luck.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

What you you want differently that he isn't doing now (other than not doing what he is doing)?


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

studley said:


> No partner should have to do what they don't want to - period!


You can't force anyone, but this attitude leads to issues.

See what Dr. Schnarch says about "sexual leftovers" in _Passionate Marriage_ and (I believe) _Intimacy and Desire_.

The essential point is that this type of sexual behavior is borne of out immaturity. The way to have a truly good sex life is for both partners to rise out of this immaturity, deal with any shame issues or other hangups, and please your partner as an end in itself.


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