# Trust your damn gut



## sd212 (Feb 24, 2012)

I let myself down again. I forgot the biggest lesson that I swore I never would. 

Last night I finally got the truth and she admitted to having been cheating all along. For two years I've questioned her and had all these doubts. Crazymaking ensued. She convinced me I was a psycho jealous freak. Finally she admitted last night that I was right.

Folks, it cannot be said enough. Trust your gut! When you think something is off, it almost always is. Don't fall victim like I did to being an idiot when you know better. Trust your gut!


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Are you talking about your ex or a girlfriend...?


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## sd212 (Feb 24, 2012)

Well, same is true and can be said of my ex but this is the girlfriend I've had for the last two years.


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## maritalloneliness (Mar 18, 2015)

My gut was screaming, waving the red flag and doing cartwheels but I talked myself out of it because I didn't really want to believe that he could/would be so hurtful. Before finding out about the A, I walked in on them flirting with each other. Remembered it clearly as a backlash. They were sitting on the stools by the kitchen breakfast bar and she had her hand on his left knee rubbing on his thighs. I heard myself say "you guys are flirting". Can't recall anything else. I wanted some validation that I wasn't crazy, so spoke with my mom and my sister about it and I was reassured that's just he way she is, she's always been like that with everyone. When I confronted him again about it the next day, he blew up and told me in a disgusted tone"you would believe that I could possibly have something going on with your brother's wife?". Felt so guilty, that my stupid butt apologized profusely. Then two months later my brother had me listen to a conversation on a VAR he placed under their bed.They were making plans to hook up on the weekend and she'd mentioned how they were no longer giving the great hotel deal as before and how she's so happy that he had quit smoking. She had canceled plans to have my kids over for that weekend because I guess he became available. She was even laughing at me that I was always taking care of him by always having his dinner ready.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

You aren't married, you didn't put a ring on her finger so she is free to see whoever she wants. She technically wasn't cheating because you two aren't married.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

Happilymarried25 said:


> You aren't married, you didn't put a ring on her finger so she is free to see whoever she wants. She technically wasn't cheating because you two aren't married.


She was his "girlfriend", which means he was her boyfriend.

Being sexually exclusive to each other is part and parcel to the agreement to this. Except is the couple decide otherwise ni advance.

Why you would call someone your BF/GF and still believe that having sex with other people is o.k. defeats the purpose of calling them that.

If I were you, I would make sure you have your BF/GF take a shower before every time you have sex with them...


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Happilymarried25 said:


> You aren't married, you didn't put a ring on her finger so she is free to see whoever she wants. She technically wasn't cheating because you two aren't married.


Exclusivity doesn't matter until you put a ring on that finger...LOL. Then there should never be a proposal, engagement or any fallout until you have the ring and marriage license. I always forget there are people who believe this mess.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Happilymarried25 said:


> You aren't married, you didn't put a ring on her finger so she is free to see whoever she wants. She technically wasn't cheating because you two aren't married.


Hey it's Saturday! Let's all be idiots and agree with this okay?


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Happilymarried25 said:


> You aren't married, you didn't put a ring on her finger so she is free to see whoever she wants. She technically wasn't cheating because you two aren't married.


 She was not telling him the truth. In your book, does that mean that she "technically wasn't" lying because they were not married?


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

sd212 said:


> I let myself down again. I forgot the biggest lesson that I swore I never would.
> 
> Last night I finally got the truth and she admitted to having been cheating all along. For two years I've questioned her and had all these doubts. Crazymaking ensued. She convinced me I was a psycho jealous freak. Finally she admitted last night that I was right.
> 
> Folks, it cannot be said enough. Trust your gut! When you think something is off, it almost always is. Don't fall victim like I did to being an idiot when you know better. Trust your gut!


I've read a few of your posts and a little bit of your blog. You freely admit you are codependent, and your blog post:

Another holiday alone

is disturbing. You really need to be single for a while, and it seems like you're so desperate to have a woman, that you will continue be taken advantage of. Be a bachelor for while and not have a girlfriend. When I was in the military, I would go on these long deployments, and my last assignment was unaccompanied. You get used to being on your own without having someone. It actually took me a bit to readjust to being home with family when I came back. 

Unfortunately, Taylor played you. You were merely boyfriend number 2, while she stayed with her other boyfriend. How could you not know that she might still be living with him? You even bought her an expensive gift! The fact that she accepted the expensive gift is proof that she was just playing you. 

You really need to seek IC and be on your own, I mean really be on your own - no relationship. Because of your codependency, and also because you work with Taylor, it will be pretty easy for you to go back to her if all she says that she wants to work it out.

You posted on the 13th that you were going to box up her things, and then posted the same thing on the 18th. If you haven't done it already, do it now! Stop procrastinating, and kick this cheater to the curb! 

Count yourself lucky that you didn't move in with her and didn't have kids with her. From your blog about her wanting to be free spirited and *untethered*, it's obvious that this girl is *NOT* girlfriend or even wife material. All this girl is good for is friends with benefits (booty call).


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

I'll add...

Trust your Gut... but *NEVER* confront without damning proof.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

RWB said:


> I'll add...
> 
> Trust your Gut... but *NEVER* confront without damning proof.


Yep. Your gut isn't always accurate, so don't ignore it, but don't bet the house on it either. Just be objective and check on things. It could even be you that's the problem, but usually something is wrong.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

2ntnuf said:


> Yep. Your gut isn't always accurate, *so don't ignore it*, but don't bet the house on it either. Just be objective and check on things. It could even be you that's the problem, *but usually something is wrong*.


Early on suspecting my wife having an affair circa 2004, I did the "soft" confront. Stupid me. In retrospect, it was all there... phone logs, deleted emails still in the sent box, 150+ mile days on the car with a max 20 mile round commute.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

RWB said:


> Early on suspecting my wife having an affair circa 2004, I did the "soft" confront. Stupid me. In retrospect, it was all there... phone logs, deleted emails still in the sent box, 150+ mile days on the car with a max 20 mile round commute.


I'm sorry to read that, but I let waaaaay to much go, stuffing that gut feeling because I really wanted it to work. I did not want to fail again. I thought I had the one. Maybe she was and I blew it, but that feeling was correct.

The reason I qualified it is because I just read an article that said not to trust your gut because it's not always correct. That's true in some cases. Some of us can have a mental disorder that makes us believe or see things that aren't there. So, there could be lots of things wrong that have nothing to do with infidelity, but there is likely something wrong, somewhere, somehow.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Happilymarried25 said:


> You aren't married, you didn't put a ring on her finger so she is free to see whoever she wants. She technically wasn't cheating because you two aren't married.


Uhhh... OK. Sure.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

RWB said:


> Early on suspecting my wife having an affair circa 2004, I did the "soft" confront. Stupid me. In retrospect, it was all there... phone logs, deleted emails still in the sent box, *150+ mile days on the car with a max 20 mile round commute*.


Glad you mentioned this. Many people don't even think about checking mileage.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> Glad you mentioned this. Many people don't even think about checking mileage.


I checked once or twice, but she had a reasonable excuse. She had to go get supplies, I think. Having to run a business and not having supplies delivered, bothered me and it's likely she could easily have them delivered, although she made the excuse that she never got what she wanted when she ordered things. Something was always wrong and that was the one thing she needed. Also, there was some sort of cost factor or something. Maybe a restocking charge? I always wondered, because, if she ordered wrong, it was her fault, but if she didn't get what she ordered, there would be no restocking fee. The bill of lading is there to check. So are the purchase order and the requisition. 

It was all right there in my face. Wasn't it? If I was here back then, while still okay and not a lot of heartbreak and messed up thinking to deal with, I'd have been able to check with more objectivity, like now just thinking about it.

Edit: After thinking about this, I think she was an expert cheater, not just your average individual looking for a better partner or having trouble with her emotions. Holy crap, this raises her level of scum bag and my disgust for her another level. And, I paid more dearly than she ever did and got blamed for not taking care of her needs. Bull hudda. She knew exactly what she was doing. So, why in the hell did she ever, ever, ever consider me to be suitable for a long-term partner? What is so broken in her? Not my business, but it really does make me wonder why I would not have seen this. I guess I was deeply in lerv.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

2ntnuf said:


> I was deeply in lerv.


:iagree:

We've all been there. In retrospect, my friends and family warned me about my ex wife before I married her. I guess they saw what I refused to see.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> :iagree:
> 
> We've all been there. In retrospect, my friends and family warned me about my ex wife before I married her. I guess they saw what I refused to see.


I've posted this before, but was told in a bar by friends i knew for a few years that they would have told me to never marry her and they said it in front of her. I did not know how to handle that. That guy knew her for like twenty or more years and he was looking out for me, so when members said I should have confronted him, I couldn't take that advice. I think it would have been appropriate to tell him I didn't want to hear that in public and then talk with him in private. I could have been saved a hell of a bunch of trouble.

Edit: Wouldn't this be common knowledge among those who've multi-dated many times? I would think they would learn over a period of time through mistakes that led to crumbled relationships, how to avoid being discovered? Learning to know when to get out or say no would be vitally important, early in a relationship.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

2ntnuf said:


> It was all right there in my face. Wasn't it? If I was here back then, while still okay and not a lot of heartbreak and messed up thinking to deal with, I'd have been able to check with more objectivity, like now just thinking about it.


I suspected, "soft confronted", and still didn't follow through with my gut instinct. A good 1/2 hour researching in the internet would of given me all the "tools" to find the truth. Cheaters always leave a trail. 

Funny (not) once you been down the road, it becomes painfully obvious... Last year, a friend at work was telling me about his marriage (issues). I asked him the standard questions concerning his wife (mid 40's), lost weight, gym rat, new hair color, dressing like a teenager, new friends, GNO... He was like "she having a mid lifer", never even considered an affair. I gave him the standard CSI, you know VAR, phone logs, FB friends, check that Sent Box... Yep, less than week he finds she had been cheating off and on for years. It's like women go to some kind of Common Core Cheater Academy?


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

RWB said:


> I suspected, "soft confronted", and still didn't follow through with my gut instinct. A good 1/2 hour researching in the internet would of given me all the "tools" to find the truth. Cheaters always leave a trail.
> 
> Funny (not) once you been down the road, it becomes painfully obvious... Last year, a friend at work was telling me about his marriage (issues). I asked him the standard questions concerning his wife (mid 40's), lost weight, gym rat, new hair color, dressing like a teenager, new friends, GNO... He was like "she having a mid lifer", never even considered an affair. I gave him the standard CSI, you know VAR, phone logs, FB friends, check that Sent Box... Yep, less than week he finds she had been cheating off and on for years. It's like women go to some kind of Common Core Cheater Academy?


I think you might be on to something. LOL I don't know how many really go to this. I think it's just the one's who have told me, "I love men". Not that there's anything wrong with that. I just know a few who meant much more when they said it.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

2ntnuf said:


> I think it's just the one's who have told me, "I love men". Not that there's anything wrong with that. I just know a few who meant much more when they said it.


I've known women over the years who constantly say, "I love sex." These women are not trustworthy partners. The men they are with love that they love sex. They are magnets for men. They radiate their desire. The men get entangled with them and they are goners. They get serious and mistake it for something with a future. I can see it coming a mile away every time and always say the same thing, "Do not lead this man on!" They never, ever have the talk, though - the talk where they say that they're not looking for anything serious.

I've always thought that the different ways that men and women think of sex makes for many of these fatal mismatches.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

alte Dame said:


> I've known women over the years who constantly say, "I love sex." These women are not trustworthy partners. The men they are with love that they love sex. They are magnets for men. They radiate their desire. The men get entangled with them and they are goners. They get serious and mistake it for something with a future. I can see it coming a mile away every time and always say the same thing, "Do not lead this man on!" They never, ever have the talk, though - the talk where they say that they're not looking for anything serious.
> 
> I've always thought that the different ways that men and women think of sex makes for many of these fatal mismatches.


Thank you.

I think the one's who said that to me were trying to be modest or something, being they could be shamed. Come to think of it, I've heard something very similar from a few men I know. So, it's not just one gender, for sure. 

I agree with the difference in thinking likely being a factor.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

With XW#1, my "gut" worked awfully well, greatly to the point that I was able to do all of the evidence-gathering on my own, from a fairly objective prospective.

With my rich, skanky XW, however, I never really had a clue about what she had been up to as she played it ultra-cool in being the "loving, affectionate W who I believed she was. I didn't find out a damned thing about her out-of-town trysts with men from her past until well into the "trial-separation phase" of our divorce process! I think that I was just too loving and too trusting as her husband as I believed that I was literally living in Shangri-la!

All that I can say is that if you look in Webster's under the word "dupe," you'll likely see my picture!


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## PBDad (Apr 13, 2015)

In summary,

Keep your standards high. Never trust a woman who would have you as a husband. Maintain high standards. Stay aloof. 

Where is culture heading anyways?


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

alte Dame said:


> I've always thought that the different ways that men and women think of sex makes for many of these fatal mismatches.


Humm, you would be doing us all a favor by expanding on this in another thread someday if you ever have the time and inclination.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

> All that I can say is that if you look in Webster's under the word "dupe," you'll likely see my picture!


I resemble that remark. If it wasn't so negative, that would be a great signature line. Maybe I'll borrow it for a while. LOL


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Decorum said:


> Humm, you would be doing us all a favor by expanding on this in another thread someday if you ever have the time and inclination.


I'm pretty sure I understand what she means, but it would be a great thread for clarity. The trouble is, I don't know if she could do that and not be attacked from all sides. I would love to be a part of that discussion, if it were possible.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Happilymarried25 said:


> You aren't married, you didn't put a ring on her finger so she is free to see whoever she wants. She technically wasn't cheating because you two aren't married.


That's bullshyt!

I'm sure it was a committed relationship and the chick was phucking around behind his back.....if that's not cheatinfg then what is?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Granted if OP's old lady told him she was screwing Tom, Rick and Harry and knew he was good with that then fine but the POS told him he was nuts and that's the messed up part right there....she could have had the balls to tell the truth and let OP decide if an open relationship was cool with him.

From were I'm sitting the chick is scandelous, lying, POS!

But that's just me.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Rwb. At least you were there to guide him.
Curious r Or d?


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

2ntnuf said:


> I'm pretty sure I understand what she means, but it would be a great thread for clarity. The trouble is, I don't know if she could do that and not be attacked from all sides. I would love to be a part of that discussion, if it were possible.


It would definitely generate some interesting reactions, 2. I've thought SO much about this since I've been here. Some insight into the difference between the way the two sexes think about sex has been the one true takeaway I have had from here.

If you or Decorum start the thread, I'll join. I'm not afraid, LOL.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Boot her ass out that front door.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

alte Dame said:


> It would definitely generate some interesting reactions, 2. I've thought SO much about this since I've been here. Some insight into the difference between the way the two sexes think about sex has been the one true takeaway I have had from here.
> 
> If you or Decorum start the thread, I'll join. I'm not afraid, LOL.


Where would it go? SIM or General? I have no idea. It's about sex, but it isn't asking a question about how to perform or get more, although it will likely go that direction. lol

It's more, philosophical with some scientific evidence which proves things that lead to a conclusion, if you have an open mind. I guess that's the tough part? LOL 

Sorry for the sarcasm. Truly, I don't know if it's possible to have a discussion. Sensibilities are injured. Folks are triggered. Members are defamed. Their employers fire them for having an opinion. Crap, I have to stop the sarcasm. I don't think I can do it tonight. I might be the one to get triggered. LOL

Decorum, what do you think? Titles? OP? What's the premise? Somebody pm me with their thoughts.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

alte Dame said:


> It would definitely generate some interesting reactions, 2. I've thought SO much about this since I've been here. Some insight into the difference between the way the two sexes think about sex has been the one true takeaway I have had from here.
> 
> If you or Decorum start the thread, I'll join. I'm not afraid, LOL.


I will tell you why I say that, I am amazed at what happens when say a guy breaks up with a woman, and she goes out and sleeps with someone right away as a poison pill, thinking "he will not want me back now", in a effort to put an end to it and move on, because she is so hurt.

I feel sympathy for a woman in this situation, and I see this as a self destructive (a stronger word than I really want) decision.

Then they get back together and the guy is devastated and she is extremely regretful. I never would have guess this as a motivation if I had not heard a woman explain it. I have begun cautioning against it when I think its a possibility, its not premeditated, it's more of a need driven decision, but it seems to me (no offense) a very female way of thinking.

Sure sometimes it may just be for comfort or pleasure, but this one surprised me when I understood it, and I am just sure there are a few more things about a woman's perspective here that I don't get, ...just a few. ha ha

Well if I start it I'll let you all know!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

alte Dame said:


> I've known women over the years who constantly say, "I love sex." These women are not trustworthy partners. The men they are with love that they love sex. They are magnets for men. They radiate their desire. The men get entangled with them and they are goners. They get serious and mistake it for something with a future. I can see it coming a mile away every time and always say the same thing, "Do not lead this man on!" They never, ever have the talk, though - the talk where they say that they're not looking for anything serious.
> 
> I've always thought that the different ways that men and women think of sex makes for many of these fatal mismatches.


There are both men and women who are like this. They create a false image of themselves and use it to attract others. They are usually charismatic to the opposite sex. Often their same-sex friends and see that they are playing the people they have relationships with.

When they decide that they do want a relationship they put a lot of effort into the lie... they know how to get someone to trust them, and they know to get someone to fall for them. 

And as soon as they can they are out cheating behind their SO/spouses backs.

And yes, sometimes men and women who are not good sexual matches get together. We see that a lot here on TAM.. with both men and women who have spouses who could care less about sex... and sometimes the ones who appear to be LD are acutely out getting it somewhere else.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Decorum said:


> I will tell you why I say that, I am amazed at what happens when say a guy breaks up with a woman, and she goes out and sleeps with someone right away as a poison pill, thinking "he will not want me back now", in a effort to put an end to it and move on, because she is so hurt.
> 
> I feel sympathy for a woman in this situation, and I see this as a self destructive (a stronger word than I really want) decision.
> 
> ...


I have seen a lot of guys who do this too. 

You are right that self destructive is not the right word... self injurious might be. They are self medicating, looking for that in-love high that they hope will make the pain go away. When they are dumped, the also are looking for the ego boost.

Sometimes it works. Sometimes it does not work. I don't think it's very advisable.

In the circumstance that you mention, where the couple then gets back together, it does often case problems.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

sd212,

Often times people have that gut feeling but keep ignoring it because they just do not want it to be true. They are getting too much out of the relationship and do not want to go down that road.

I wonder if this is part of why you hung on for so long.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Happilymarried25 said:


> You aren't married, you didn't put a ring on her finger so she is free to see whoever she wants. She technically wasn't cheating because you two aren't married.


I just hope english is a second language and you couldn't find the right words to express the thoughts that were in your head when you posted this.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> There are both men and women who are like this. They create a false image of themselves and use it to attract others.


I don't think what I was referring to is a false image at all. I think it's a true image that the opposite sex is viewing through a different gender-based lens and therefore misunderstanding. 

(Sorry for the continued t/j, OP.)


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> Often their same-sex friends and see that they are playing the people they have relationships with.


Yes, we should trust the gut feel of our other-sex relatives and (maybe) friends, too.

I think there is a reason men are bothered by some specific exes of their wife yet not by others. We can see what a total piece of slime the guy is, yet our wife didn't (and maybe still doesn't). And vice versa, wives may see an ex of her husband as being slime yet he doesn't.

I personally am not bothered by 1 of my wife's exes, yet very much by another.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Happilymarried25 said:


> You aren't married, you didn't put a ring on her finger so she is free to see whoever she wants. She technically wasn't cheating because you two aren't married.


WOW!! LOL!! &#55357;&#56833;&#55357;&#56833;&#55357;&#56833;&#55357;&#56840;&#55357;&#56840;&#55357;&#56840;
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> I have seen a lot of guys who do this too.
> 
> You are right that self destructive is not the right word... self injurious might be. They are self medicating, looking for that in-love high that they hope will make the pain go away. When they are dumped, the also are looking for the ego boost.
> 
> ...


Ele,

I want to keep this distinction clear, yes and yes men and women self-medicate after a breakup.

Let me try to explain this, it may come out a bit abstract but I think it is a genuine motivation sometimes.

This is what I am talking about...
A woman realizes that her man is very territorial, he breaks up with her and she is suffering. She acts to poison the well by sleeping with someone else, she believes that he will not want her back after this and so she believes it helps her move on because she has burned her bridge.

I am explaining this, but I do not mean to imply that she is this intentional about it, it a "knowing" not a logical plan.

She is making a choice to change her status with that man and remove herself form his options. Its not exactly revenge, its more like self-preservation, but its not really a healthy choice because her motives are really not honoring to herself.

Having written that I realize that someone might say "well yeah that is self-medicating". Fair enough.

This is what I think of as self medicating. She goes out and gets involved with another man, enjoys the attention, passion, and pleasure and receives validation, reassurance, security or some other benefits that I cant think of ATM.

This is qualitatively different that taking a Poison pill (remember the 80's term as something that made a company unattractive for a hostile takeover by tanking it).

If I had a part in a person taking that action I would regret it, whether we got back together or not, and to be honest I think I would be hurt that she took that action with me in mind (bit of an ego there, sure probably), but just trying to get me off her mind, sure I get that, ok.

Here is something I have seen quite a bit...


rep said:


> She quickly jumped into that and even said that she ran to the first guy thinking that if she slept with another man,,then I would never want her again.


If you make a note of how often you see something like this I think you will see it is more common that the common consciousness is aware of.

I dont think men roll this way, validation, conquest, ego boost and some others that are maybe just as unseemly but its the difference between how men and women are motivated that I was trying to grasp.

Thanks for your reply EleGirl, so have I officially thread jacked and cross posted with you as a Mod or are we good.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

alte Dame said:


> I don't think what I was referring to is a false image at all. I think it's a true image that the opposite sex is viewing through a different gender-based lens and therefore misunderstanding.
> 
> (Sorry for the continued t/j, OP.)


What I meant by false image was to agree with what you were saying..


You say that you know some women who lead guys on, the guys think the woman is serious about then but later she dumps him.

so she's created a false image of her intent, who she really is, etc.

I know men who do this to woman as well.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Decorum said:


> Thanks for your reply EleGirl, so have I officially thread jacked and cross posted with you as a Mod or are we good.


We're good.

I get the "poison the well thing". It might be part of it for some women and even men.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> What I meant by false image was to agree with what you were saying..
> 
> 
> You say that you know some women who lead guys on, the guys think the woman is serious about then but later she dumps him.
> ...


I really don't want to keep threadjacking, but....

I'm not sure if we're agreeing or disagreeing.

What I mean is that the women I am talking about do not mean to lead the men on. They simply act the way they act, quite honestly, and believe that they are representing themselves in a truthful way. Their openness, however, is not understood in the same way by the men they are with and they therefore wind up leading them on. They assume that the men are on the same page with them, so they don't clearly state that they will not get serious. They assume that the men understand this from the words they have already used.

BUT because, it seems to me, the men view the role of sex differently from women & in their own way, they don't truly understand the intentions of the women acting this way.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

sd212 said:


> Well, same is true and can be said of my ex but this is the girlfriend I've had for the last two years.


Very sorry... 

We can understand how you must feel..


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

arbitrator said:


> With XW#1, my "gut" worked awfully well, greatly to the point that I was able to do all of the evidence-gathering on my own, from a fairly objective prospective.
> 
> With my rich, skanky XW, however, I never really had a clue about what she had been up to as she played it ultra-cool in being the "loving, affectionate W who I believed she was. I didn't find out a damned thing about her out-of-town trysts with men from her past until well into the "trial-separation phase" of our divorce process! I think that I was just too loving and too trusting as her husband as I believed that I was literally living in Shangri-la!
> 
> All that I can say is that if you look in Webster's under the word "dupe," you'll likely see my picture!


Add me to this as well..

I didn't see it coming either, which is what throws you for a loop.. Compared to when you suspect something is wrong..


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> There are both men and women who are like this. They create a false image of themselves and use it to attract others. They are usually charismatic to the opposite sex. Often their same-sex friends and see that they are playing the people they have relationships with.
> 
> When they decide that they do want a relationship they put a lot of effort into the lie... they know how to get someone to trust them, and they know to get someone to fall for them.
> 
> ...



Being honest.. I think I portrayed myself different then I was.. I think I came off as cool joe, but was really insecure joe.. 

The issue was once the GF realized some issues, she was in too deep to want to back out, if you know what I mean.. 

I think I did the same with her. After OVER a year and a half, we just deal with our issues and fight and move on to the next day.. 

In my head personally I think anyone I meet will have issues.. I think I am just giving up one set of issues for another set.. 

So I think we both portrayed ourselves as something we weren't.. So in a sense we deserve each other..


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

Thor said:


> Yes, we should trust the gut feel of our other-sex relatives and (maybe) friends, too.
> 
> I think there is a reason men are bothered by some specific exes of their wife yet not by others. We can see what a total piece of slime the guy is, yet our wife didn't (and maybe still doesn't). And vice versa, wives may see an ex of her husband as being slime yet he doesn't.
> 
> I personally am not bothered by 1 of my wife's exes, yet very much by another.


I think that most of us have an innate ability to read body language. It probably dates back to before we humin beans invented spoken language. So "having a gut feeling" likely comes from real communication at a basic level.

It can't always be trusted because it isn't precise enough. That's why we ended up using spoken language, even though reading your partner's body language is very common.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Happilymarried25 said:


> You aren't married, you didn't put a ring on her finger so she is free to see whoever she wants. She technically wasn't cheating because you two aren't married.


You are wrong. Cheating is cheating.


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