# Once more unto the breech...



## StayingStrong (Apr 27, 2012)

I'm a 37 year old man with a 10 year old daughter and 7 year old son. In August I would have been married 15 years to my wife. For the past three months my wife has completely withdrawn and said repeatedly she feels I never loved her and that she could never please me. I've bent over backwards for these three months trying to please her. Even going so far as to sleep on a cot in the basement. She has treated me worse and worse in these three months and about a month in I began to become suspicious. While changing the oil in her car I found some papers indicating she had an abortion about two months into our troubles. I have had the operation " so I was sure something was up. One morning while she was showering I dug around in her purse and found she was back on birth control. Stupid me tried to rationalize it and I felt guilty invading her privacy. In all the married time there has never been reason doubt her so this was new to me. I noticed she was making a lot of cash transactions and there were a lot of missing time. She works and I homeschooling our two kids. 
I quietly kept track but never confronted her. Thank God in this past week these forums linked me to a book by Dr. James Consonant called Love Must Be Tough. It instantly changed how I was viewing things and broke me out of my victim stance. Today she took the kids to work for the day and I went to work on her email account. Right around the beginning of our troubles she got a iPhone and has always been very secretive with it. Never letting out of her sight and if I got near it always running to grab it. She uses gmail and let the computer save her password. Same with Facebook. It only took a second to dig around and there in her sent folder was a detailed note of dates and messages detailing the affair with a married father of two teenagers she worked with. I read just enough to figure out the truth and who it was. I made a copy for lawyer proof down the road if needed and hid it away. I won't read anymore because putting the lewd details of the affair into my mind is unnecessar and destructive. For some reason she included a timeline, location and even events. Including the abortion date. Will continue ...
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## StayingStrong (Apr 27, 2012)

So this really caught me off guard. We had decided she should separate but she has said right to my face she is not having an affair. I realize now anything is possible and I can't trust anything she says. Dr. Dobson says in his book that in order to regain self respect and have any chance of saving the marriage in the future the victim must hold the cheater responsible and allow them to face the consequences for their affair. This very dame afternoon I settled on what to say and texted her to come home early so we could talk. She wanted to know what about but I would not say. As soon as she got home I told the kids to play and I took her outside to the van and told her I knew about the affair and the abortion and that it was not acceptable behaviour in our family. I told her even knowing this I ws willing to work on things. I then asked if she wanted to commit to saving our marriage and she flat out said no. In no uncertain terms I asked her to then get her stuff for the rest of the week and find someplace else to stay. She of cousmrse said no. Here is the crazy part. She said she had no place to go. I told her to go stay with the guy she was having an affair with knowing full well he is a cheating husband and father too. She said she broke it off even though i know she texted him asking him if they could find s quiet place to talk. She was probably going to tell him she was moving out and going to get a love pad...
Too continue...


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Exposé the OM to his wife and both of thm to HR. then expose to her.

She obviously can lie right to your face, even get an abortion and come home like nothing happened.

She is a cold slick one. So you need to destroy her safety net in the affair otherwise she will just lie to you and keep seeing him just deeper under ground.
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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Is this an on going affair or are you just writing your story?
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## StayingStrong (Apr 27, 2012)

This is what happened in the last three months up to today. Anyways. We argued back and forth. She never once said she was sorry for the affair. She believes I drove her too it. I would not budge. Stuck to my guns and kept saying she had to go. She said the stupidest thing when I said get a hotel room. She said the kids won't be comfortable le in a hotel room. As if that compares to the nightmare of emotional pain she is about to unleadgmh on them! 
I told her i was going to leave so she could have time to pack and would compromise and let her have the kids all weekend. I told her since I could not trust her I would have to talk to a counselor or attorney about scheduling or anything else. She bristled at that and wanted to know if I had an attorney. All I said was I would tomorrow. I just took the kids and left and did not come back until 8 tonight. When I pulled in her car was gone and when I went inside so were Somme other tell tale stuff so I knew she wasn't coming back. I felt good! But it was short lived...too continue
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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Why the heck didn't you expose her affair partner?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## StayingStrong (Apr 27, 2012)

My ten year old is real smart. She has been paying attention. She saw moms stuff gone and broke down crying asking me if mom moved out. This is where it gets real. She and my son are heart broken. They can't understand and I'm nit sure how much to tell them. Doesn't face my wife though. She is out to diner with "friends". My daughter wants to talk to mom. I should have made up an excuse but let her call thinking my wife needs to see and hear what she has caused. So I interrupt her diner and she takes the call and tries to tell my little one everything is going to be okay. Seriously. She does nit have a clue.
Both kids talk to her and mom is making all sorts of promises. She will see them on the weekend, then on Friday night she says and finally she says she is coming home tonight. I'm like thinking hell no you are not.
Once the kids are done being told by their cheating mom everything is alright I take the phone to remind her not to come home. I use big words like doors locked garage turned off and hope she gets the point. She starts screaming at me about fifty fifty and breaking down the door and calling the cops. I told her to bring it on and she hung up on me. Hope she was near her friends when this all went down. So this was a few hours ago tonight. It is now twelve thirty and I think and pray she cane to her senses. Doors are locked and I don't want to let her in now. Might call the cops and say a burglar is breaking in if she shows up. I called the sheriff and he said I have to let her in legally. That sucks. So I'm hoping she pulled her head out of her selfish jazz and found a hotel. Lord knows she knows how to rent them by the hour. She can figure out the price of a whole night. I dud one thing I regret today and that is I sent her a text after the last blowout on the phone. I was in the right position and got sift. Last time I do that. M not going to initiate with her. 
Here is the deal. We both are Christ followers. She obviously has gone prodigal it as I call it over to the dark side. I know God can and us coming heavy after her in only the way he can. I believe I need to stay strong and let her live with the consequences if her actions.
so I don't want to burn bridges but I need to move on with life and nit be a weak sack anymore.
New territory for me. Always happy to get good advice and encouragement to know I am not alone. Going to be a battle I intend to win with my honor intact.
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## StayingStrong (Apr 27, 2012)

Good question. This JUST all happened today so besides booting her out it trying to I've been busy 
The truth is I thought about telling the guy or his wife but I have time deal with my own wife still. And burning bridges with two kids involved without thinking it through JUST TO GET REVENGE sounds pretty lame right now. My wife us the bread winner. I've been a stay at home dad and homeschooling them now so getting her fired hurts my possible alimony and their child support. Anyone burned the affair partner and came out ahead in any way but saving face?


Shaggy said:


> Why the heck didn't you expose her affair partner?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Did you expose her affair/abortion to the other man's wife? Her/your family? Friends?

If you haven't already, you might want to act fast and do it now. Almost every cheater feeds their side of the story making the betrayed the bad person.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

StayingStrong,

Consider reading *http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/24796-just-let-them-go.html#post306559* and *The 180 degree rules*. Their purpose is to make you emotionally strong to move on with your life with or without her.

We've been where you are, you are not alone.


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## StayingStrong (Apr 27, 2012)

She has a totally separate set if work friends. I'm not involved and like I said. I've going to talk to some professional counselor about what to do with what I know. This involves another family and kids. Not wise to jump into things unless its well thought out. I have all the printed evidence so that's like a card I could play at some point. I have told all our MUTUAL friends and everyone on my side of the family. Her mom was a cheater as well. No point in telling them. She would get a reward. We have a strong shared church community, they will know she has had an affair and wants to separate. Its all only going to be long term pressure from those places because she has isolated herself from them and will continue to do so.



keko said:


> Did you expose her affair/abortion to the other man's wife? Her/your family? Friends?
> 
> If you haven't already, you might want to act fast and do it now. Almost every cheater feeds their side of the story making the betrayed the bad person.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## StayingStrong (Apr 27, 2012)

Thanks morituri, going to read them now. Almost 1 am now. I think I won this first battle of wills! Such an emotional day. So tired but hate lying down. Night is the toughest trying to win the battle in my mind. Thanks for the support. Will keep updating.



morituri said:


> StayingStrong,
> 
> Consider reading *http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/24796-just-let-them-go.html#post306559* and *The 180 degree rules*. Their purpose is to make you emotionally strong to move on with your life with or without her.
> 
> We've been where you are, you are not alone.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JustWaiting (Jun 28, 2011)

You only have something printed out if you have an extra copy stored somewhere safe and outside of your house and outside of where she can access it.

You do not lie to your children but you do not trash your wife to them or in front of them. 

You see a lawyer even if you have no intent or desire to divorce. You need to know your rights. 

You get a couple of small recorders. You did not know your W was capable of this so you cannot predict what else she is capable of. You don't need her to show up at the house alone or with some friend as a "witness" saying you hit her or grabbed her and tore her blouse. Have a hidden recorder to protect yourself any time you are in her presence. How can she get back in the house with the kids? By getting you thrown out and getting a restraining order preventing you from seeing the kids. That could also change the payment possibilities if you have been at home schooling the children. 

it's just starting. Protect yourself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

SS,

Just Waiting and Morituri have given you good advice.

Your wayward wife is the Anti Christ my friend. Right now she is evil and you do not need her around your family.

If she can lie to your face about the affair and abortion then she is pretty messed up.

Go see an attorney right away. You need to setup child support and alimony asap in a separation agreement.

You also need to let the other mans wife know what he did. She has a right to be informed of what her husband is doing. 

Remember you are not hurting their family by telling her of the affair. Your wife and her husband are hurting both of your families. You need to bring the affair out in the light. To kill it no matter if you want to R or D.

I agree about not going to HR if you have no source of income at the moment. Definitely see the attorney.

I am sorry you are in this mess. You are in the right place for advice.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

StayingStrong said:


> She has a totally separate set if work friends. I'm not involved and like I said. I've going to talk to some professional counselor about what to do with what I know. This involves another family and kids. Not wise to jump into things unless its well thought out. I have all the printed evidence so that's like a card I could play at some point. I have told all our MUTUAL friends and everyone on my side of the family. Her mom was a cheater as well. No point in telling them. She would get a reward. We have a strong shared church community, they will know she has had an affair and wants to separate. Its all only going to be long term pressure from those places because she has isolated herself from them and will continue to do so.
> 
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Good plan. In the mean time please tell it only to the wife of the other man. Just like you know of their adultery she deserves to know it too. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

You've got to expose, not for revenge at all, but to allow the OMW to make choices based on truth.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Yor first obligation to your family is to bust up the affair whether you want to reconcile with your wife or not. You do that by contacting the OM's wife and almost always the OM will through his affair partner under the bus to save his family. When your wife sees she is nothing but a piece of a$$ it will break the fog she is in.

Don't worry about hurting the OM's wife . OM and your wife have already done that, she just doesn't know it yet.

Do not tell your wife you are goingto do it. They will tell his wife you are just some kind of nut.

Good luck and prayers.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

also consider than informing OMW can really disrupt the affair

often the OM will scramble to save is own skin and that will include throwing your wife under the bus

exposing affairs takes the excitement out of them


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

The OM made your wife PREGNANT with a BABY and she had an ABORTION.

What part of that do you think his wife isn't ENTITLED to know?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

SAHD seems to be very unlucky for marriages here. You need to get a job no matter what happens.

Read "Married Man Sex Life" it will open your eyes. He has a blog too.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

chapparal said:


> SAHD seems to be very unlucky for marriages here. You need to get a job no matter what happens.
> 
> Read "Married Man Sex Life" it will open your eyes. He has a blog too.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

Expse the affair to OMW, he will throw your wife under the bus to save his family and face.

Stay strong and dont acept any of her blame for her cheating and avoid any kind of contact with your FWW.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

chapparal said:


> *SAHD seems to be very unlucky for marriages here.* You need to get a job no matter what happens.
> 
> Read "Married Man Sex Life" it will open your eyes. He has a blog too.


Around here? More like, around the universe. It's marriage suicide. Instant transformation from Alpha to Omega.


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## Eternal Embrace (Apr 26, 2012)

StayingStrong said:


> Anyone burned the affair partner and came out ahead in any way but saving face?
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Not sure about where you live - but here in NC there is something the courts call "Alienation of Affection" which gives you the right to sue the OM/OW in the event that your spouse has an affair.


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## Honeystly (Mar 1, 2012)

I absolutely agree with the other posters. Tell OM's wife. She deserves the truth. It wouldn't be fair that everyone but her knew. Then your wife can see what the OM is made of.... I mean how religious are you if you get an abortion. Come on! Your wife does not deserve you.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Tell the OMW. You have a moral obligation to. 

And get a job. The SAHD thing doesn't work. Its a disaster every time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

StayingStrong said:


> . Anyone burned the affair partner and came out ahead in any way but saving face?
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It's not about "saving face."

It's about holding both parties accountable for their actions. Forget the OM for a moment. Your wife engaged in actions that impacted on another marriage. OMW has the same right as you to make an informed decision as to the fate of her marriage as you do to the fate of yours. She can't do that withou information...information that you have. Give it to her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## StayingStrong (Apr 27, 2012)

*Day 2:*

This is day two of me finding out. Yesterday I confronted her immediately. Last night she did not come back but plans on coming back today (Friday night) to be with the kids. I am in Wisconsin which is a 50/50 state and she has the right to return unless I have something from the court to stop her. She is being stubborn just for the sake of being stubborn so I am waiting on a call back from an attorney who can better advise me on how to handle the coming weekend.

After reading the advice here I realize I need to be very cautious in dealing with her. I believe she is the enemy right now and has no care in her mind except for what her warped desires might be. Depending on what the attorney says I will either just stay out of the way because she has to leave on Monday to go back to work anyways or I will invite a pastor to come stay the weekend with us. Thoughts?

She IS moving out, that was her goal from day one, I just kicked it up a notch when I found out about the affair yesterday, I believe she is looking for an apartment and does have the money and friends to stay anywhere she wants until then. She just seems to like to try to get under my skin by coming back.

Until then, there are some things I do not want to do because the foundations I am trying to build for my success in this are not set yet.

Priority one is talking with an attorney and getting a separation agreement into place before the court and get her served. I don't know all the details of the state of WI but the assistant at the law office said there is something we can do to prevent her coming and going as she pleases.

I spent most the night reading these forums which have given me a clear understanding that the gloves are already off, and I need to get ahead of this and take charge or I'm going to be hurting down the road. So I am going full speed ahead. At this point reconciliation is up to my God and her. Its like miracle level though, and that's HIS deal and I don't have to think or deal with it... just need to do my share.

The attorney will help me get visitation rights, property rights, and everything else rolling so I can have the authority of the state to stop the chaos my wife wants to introduce.

Here is my fear, maybe the lot of you can call it like you see it. I am worried that if I pull the trigger on letting the OMW know before I have my own feet under me attorney and separation wise I am going to put myself and my kids at even more or a risk.

Does a week or two, or even a month (however long the court takes) make that much of a difference. I know it would to me, but even as much as I hate knowing the OMW is getting hurt Ive got to look out after me and mine first.

There HAS to be an order of priority on this. Mine is setting up the offense so I am secure with things before making a move like that. Thoughts?

Here is the other thing. I KNOW I am going to have to get a job, I'm not going to rationalize that with everyone. I know what you are saying... I'm a homeschooling Dad of a learning disabled daughter and my son. The education system was failing her and there is no other option but to home school her. It has been incredibly successful, I am very good at it, and I do not intend to stop that.

I would rather not have my wife or another woman if it means having to surrender the successful future I know I am giving my daughter right now. I'm not even going to discuss that me being a SAHD is why my wife lost respect, no way I am taking that blame. SHE is messed up, has been messed up, and over the last 20 or so years of marriage and dating each time we hit the wall I always worked on the issues and she just slid on by. That I will take the blame for, I should have not let her continue on and been more active on getting help years ago. Water under the bridge, I know this now, and dont live with the regrets. She after all could deal with the problems on her own, Im not in control of her.

So my point is! I WILL get a job, but for five days out of the week and on the evenings during that week I am the "single" parent. I have always been! My wife is a workaholic, it is how she copes, she gets her value from work and those there. She doesn't like coming home because she is and never has been such a great wife or mother. She is about to get a rude awakening to how difficult it is to really raise kids especially now that they are under the stress of this separation and affair.

If I get a job now I undermine my alimony, and support, and help pay for her consequences. As soon as I get the custody rights and schedule banged out then I have the solid ability to find some work because she will be forced to have the kids on a set schedule. She makes a ton of money, thanks to me supporting her from home, no way she climbs the corporate ladder with a family of two without someone pulling the other half of the weight.

Im just saying, when I work, I want to work for these kids and OUR home. Right now I won't give her an inch of support because it will hurt me in court.

Bring on your thoughts!


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

StayingStrong said:


> Here is my fear, maybe the lot of you can call it like you see it. I am worried that if I pull the trigger on letting the OMW know before I have my own feet under me attorney and separation wise I am going to put myself and my kids at even more or a risk.
> 
> Does a week or two, or even a month (however long the court takes) make that much of a difference. I know it would to me, but even as much as I hate knowing the OMW is getting hurt Ive got to look out after me and mine first.


Time absolutely does make a difference. The longer you wait, the more time your W and OM have to get their story straight and make you look like a paranoid nutcase. By this time, your W has most certainly already told him that you've found out about them, and the scriptwriting has begun. As you say, you need to get out in front of this. If you find the OM threatening you for exposing, call the police. In such an instance, you might also be able to get a restraining order, preventing OM from coming near you or the kids.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

StayingStrong said:


> Does a week or two, or even a month (however long the court takes) make that much of a difference. I know it would to me, but even as much as I hate knowing the OMW is getting hurt Ive got to look out after me and mine first.
> 
> There HAS to be an order of priority on this. Mine is setting up the offense so I am secure with things before making a move like that. Thoughts?


Yes, even hours make a big difference. Right now the OM is preparing his response to his wife once she finds out. When you get in touch with OMW take all of the evidence you have and show it to her. She'll be hurt but living lie is more hurtful. Try your best to find OMW and get in touch with her ASAP.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

you said so yourself you are in a 50/50 state, informing OMW will not affect your rights

in fact you have the right to move half your assets into a separate account right now


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## StayingStrong (Apr 27, 2012)

I found her through my wife's FB page. She is of course friends with this guy and I dug her up and found her address through his court records. Suggested route then is contact her on FB and say what?

Lets meet? Can I call? Can I fax the proof?


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

StayingStrong said:


> I found her through my wife's FB page. She is of course friends with this guy and I dug her up and found her address through his court records. Suggested route then is contact her on FB and say what?
> 
> Lets meet? Can I call? Can I fax the proof?


Say as much or as little as you're comfortable communicating via initial contact. Offer to make the next contact and/or transfer of proof in whatever manner is most convenient for her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Send her a message on fb telling "her husband is having an affair/abortion with your wife. If you want to talk about it further or want to see proof of it give me a call at xxx." Try to meet in person if possible and show her your evidence to her.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

StayingStrong said:


> I found her through my wife's FB page. She is of course friends with this guy and I dug her up and found her address through his court records. Suggested route then is contact her on FB and say what?
> 
> Lets meet? Can I call? Can I fax the proof?


start contact that's short and sweet with basics and stating you have the proof to send her when she wants it

give contact info etc

I do not recommend FB messaging from a "non-friend" at this time

FB changed their programming where it will not give a notification of non friend messages unless they change their settings, it will simply be put in a separate box that they would have to look at to see if its there

If she has her FB page public you can look to see what her work is and maybe call her there


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## StayingStrong (Apr 27, 2012)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## StayingStrong (Apr 27, 2012)

I don't think she uses FB a lot. So odds are she won't get a message.
I do have her home address from court records. I could use the white pages to find a number. Just have to make sure I get her and not him. I do know where she works. Might be hard to find her there. The more I process this the more I see how it fits with tough love. Consequences. The ON does not know about the pregnancy or the abortion. She paid for it herself and I don't see any communication about it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

StayingStrong said:


> I don't think she uses FB a lot. So odds are she won't get a message.
> I do have her home address from court records. I could use the white pages to find a number. Just have to make sure I get her and not him. I do know where she works. Might be hard to find her there. The more I process this the more I see how it fits with tough love. Consequences. The ON does not know about the pregnancy or the abortion. She paid for it herself and I don't see any communication about it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Do you know which hours the OM works? If you can find a landline number, give it a call when he isn't home.

Can there be OM#2? If she didn't notify the OM about the abortion or maybe she confessed in person?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

you could always send registered mail to her work


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## StayingStrong (Apr 27, 2012)

Not certain honestly. All I have is the long documentation of the affair she kept on her Iphone. Honestly I have not gone back to look at it. It contains way too many details I just don't want in my head.

It does have the timeline though, apparently at one point she "broke it off" with him. I think this was only the physical aspect of it. So when I asked her if she was having an affair she said no and justified that as not a lie because she was not currently having sex with him. I do know she is emotionally deep into him though. The timeline indicates she broke it off with him, found out about the pregnancy and took care of it on her own. She COULD have told him about it, but that totally would have been in the report she was keeping. She kept everything in this document, everything  I have photos of them standing unprofessionally close at work events as well but sadly she took the laptop with her and unless she brings it back I might have to get them someplace else. I do know one photo is on FB where dude is standing crotch to ass behind her while everyone else is professional space away.

This document does not include names but it does include a lot if information I had to piece together. For instance she loves working and so do these two. The OMW is a huge body building woman, very strong, and is in competitions. I know she has talked a lot to me in the past before the affair about what these two told her about how to work out and many of the things she said reminded her of him were these things. The key evidence is that she wrote him a note on his birthday this month well after she broke it off and included the details of this note in her document. It is the one thing that brings it all together. I think the OMW would know enough of her man to be able to put it together without a name, but she could also deny it.

So answer to question, this is one dude, this is most likely her first time ever because the timing is like a perfect storm and she has never been this crazy before ever.

I cant find her workplace number, looking for a home number. OM work with my wife, they leave around the same time late. Most likely if I work at it I can find the home number and catch her home before he arrives.



keko said:


> Do you know which hours the OM works? If you can find a landline number, give it a call when he isn't home.
> 
> Can there be OM#2? If she didn't notify the OM about the abortion or maybe she confessed in person?


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Wait, all of your evidence was on her laptop but she took it away? What do you actually have in hand?


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## StayingStrong (Apr 27, 2012)

Haha, only a couple inconclusive photos of them unusually close. I have a printed copy of the entire affair SHE kept here hidden. Going to make more copies later.



keko said:


> Wait, all of your evidence was on her laptop but she took it away? What do you actually have in hand?


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

If somehow she brings her laptop home, make sure to make a copy of enrything in it for yourself.

Do you still have the abortion receipt?


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## Shamwow (Aug 15, 2011)

So to clarify: the texts (or emails) you have printed in your hand are damning evidence? If so, continue as planned. If not, don't expose with inconclusive photos that can be explained away. Once you open Pandora's box with OMW you will want her to have conclusive evidence to follow through on her end, or both of you will be gaslighted.


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## baldmale (Dec 29, 2010)

I'm unclear if you want this marriage or if you want a divorce. Please answer that.

If you want your wife back: Nuclear exposure to friends, family, work. All at once. Most importantly to OMW. Now, pick up the phone, drive to the address, FB, whatever. You are fighting for your family here against the enemy attacker. THAT is your christian duty. Once the OMW finds out, the affair will most likely end and OM will crawl back home to his wife. Only at that point can you move to step 2 for recovery.

If you want to divorce your wife: file the paperwork now. Don't move out, and don't let her remove the kids from your family home. She is the one who leaves without the kids...until the courts decide otherwise.

In either case, MAN UP. Don't be a sniveling boy in front of your wife or the kids. You are in the war and fight of your life. Men win battles, not crying boys.

We are here, we have been where you are. And you have our support.


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## StayingStrong (Apr 27, 2012)

keko said:


> If somehow she brings her laptop home, make sure to make a copy of enrything in it for yourself.
> 
> Do you still have the abortion receipt?


She has the receipt abortion. I know in which bag but at this point I doubt I will be able to get it, she is gone and I doubt that bag will show up again but if it does you can bet I am all over it.

I am looking for a home phone number then before I move on it will examine the evidence again. Even though it does not list names I am sure the birthday note to him on his birthday with that listed will pinpoint him. Lots of other stuff too. Will let you all know what I find.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You need to tell the married man's wife he's having an affair with your wife. Today. And do so w/o giving any warning to your wife.

Are you fling divorce?


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## StayingStrong (Apr 27, 2012)

I am not filing for divorce. Im going to move to get a separation agreement between us so we can have ground rules. She wants a divorce, I want to save the marriage but she wants nothing to do with it. Im going the tough love route with nothing else to lose and am firing the big guns as soon as I can. Im still not finding the number, going to have to pay for it I think. Anyone know a way to find a phone number if I have the name and address of the person?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

spokeo.com


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## baldmale (Dec 29, 2010)

A separation will only allow her to continue with her affair without you in the way. Are you nuts?

Tough love would be filing for divorce and allowing her to really begin to see the natural consequences of her actions. Without consequences people do not change behavior. Anyway, filing doesn't mean you are divorced...it's a process that can be halted along the way, if you can get her out of the affair fog. Translation, if you can successfully end her affair through exposure.

You'll most likely have to pay a few bucks thru a site like people search to get a phone number. If I couldn't get it that way, I would drive to the address when you think OM might be working and simply knock on the door. Yes, this would be hard, but you're at war now remember?


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

StayingStrong said:


> She has the receipt abortion. I know in which bag but at this point I doubt I will be able to get it, she is gone and I doubt that bag will show up again but if it does you can bet I am all over it.
> 
> I am looking for a home phone number then before I move on it will examine the evidence again. Even though it does not list names I am sure the birthday note to him on his birthday with that listed will pinpoint him. Lots of other stuff too. Will let you all know what I find.


Play dumb for a while to get her to come back to the house. Ask to go the mariage counselling, date's, etc. Tell her you want to fix the marraige. Once she comes home get all the evidence, without them your exposure is useless.


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## StayingStrong (Apr 27, 2012)

Working on one thing at a time my brother. Your fervor is great though, I'm trying to get this number first and waiting on the attorney to call back. I hear what you are saying though!



baldmale said:


> A separation will only allow her to continue with her affair without you in the way. Are you nuts?
> 
> Tough love would be filing for divorce and allowing her to really begin to see the natural consequences of her actions. Without consequences people do not change behavior. Anyway, filing doesn't mean you are divorced...it's a process that can be halted along the way, if you can get her out of the affair fog. Translation, if you can successfully end her affair through exposure.
> 
> You'll most likely have to pay a few bucks thru a site like people search to get a phone number. If I couldn't get it that way, I would drive to the address when you think OM might be working and simply knock on the door. Yes, this would be hard, but you're at war now remember?


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## StayingStrong (Apr 27, 2012)

Spokeo says she is married but lists him as single living in the same house address for two years. I wonder what the deal is. Has to be married, only one way to find out right. Give her a call and ask!
Got her digits.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

stay calm, she will have a strong reaction, she may even shock you with strong denial


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## Shamwow (Aug 15, 2011)

StayingStrong said:


> Spokeo says she is married but lists him as single living in the same house address for two years. I wonder what the deal is. Has to be married, only one way to find out right. Give her a call and ask!
> Got her digits.


She'll be emotional, so stay calm...a brief apology for having to give her this information is probably a good way to start. Most likely she'll talk it through with you and thank you by the end of the call. Small chance she'll blow up at you, but at least you did the right thing.

Good luck sir, way to take the bull by the horns.


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## JustWaiting (Jun 28, 2011)

StayingStrong said:


> *Day 2:*
> 
> This is day two of me finding out. Yesterday I confronted her immediately. Last night she did not come back but plans on coming back today (Friday night) to be with the kids. I am in Wisconsin which is a 50/50 state and she has the right to return unless I have something from the court to stop her. She is being stubborn just for the sake of being stubborn so I am waiting on a call back from an attorney who can better advise me on how to handle the coming weekend.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JustWaiting (Jun 28, 2011)

Your instincts from a legal end to hold off on disclosing are correct temporarily. I can't go into detail right now, but I have posted advice about that before. I will try to go into some detail when I get the time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You need to expose quickly because she is going to run this weekend back to him, and the OMW deserves a chance to stop him going.

It will also remove her affair support system.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

SS, have you taken half the money out of the joint accounts yet?? You need to do this. She knows you will need funds to attack her, so she may beat you to it. Some say take half, ME, I would do 90%, and let the judge work it out. You said shes not much of a mother, so she may figure it won't hurt them, and you won't have money for a lawyer.


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## JustWaiting (Jun 28, 2011)

It's another day and we're thinking of you. There may come a time when your wife will want to see if you can reconcile. There may come a time when your wife will pretend she wants to reconcile to see what she can get you to give up along the way to a final D. Keep your eyes and ears open, but leave all negotiations to your lawyer. 

Now, on the question of whether to expose and when to expose, there are three major lines of thought. One is to always expose because it feels good. Two is to expose because that is the only chance there is to stop the affair? Often, the second approach is the best. However: Three is the legal approach, and that is the one I suggest in your circumstances. 

Her fear of disclosure and her almost certain desire to protect the other guy is a powerful tool on your side. Your W may be more willing to enter into an agreement she does not like in exchange for keeping everything quiet. BUT, that won't last forever. If details somehow get out before you have a chance to use them to your advantage, You will have lost an opportunity. Don't lose your advantage and leverage. 

Given your current circumstance of watching the children and not working, your strongest position legally would be to file for D ASAP. If your W claims she Is repentant and wants to R, you are not going to believe her. If the D is finalized and you want to date her or even live together again, fine. If your W says she really really wants to move back with you and reconcile and you really really buy it, do NOT buy it unless she is willing to sign a binding post-nuptial agreement with you so that all of your current financial considerations are protected.

Talk about all of this with your lawyer.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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