# Running out of ideas to improve wifes libido



## Antman (Oct 19, 2013)

Hi all, I really need some help here.
I'm struggling with my wifes loss of libido, seemingly since having our 2nd (final) child.
Prior children, I was not even allowed in the bed with clothes on, at all, ever. Sex was pretty much every night if I recall correctly.
Obviously this stopped for some time after the birth of our first child - mostly I think because we were both working full time and he required at least one feed per night until 18 months of age. Totally understandable.
Then we had a little girl. She has been sleeping through the night, every night, for round 3 months. So, we both get a full nights sleep every night of the week and my wife gets a midday sleep once during the week and both days of the weekend if she wants them.
Here's the problem:
Her sex drive has plummeted. 
If she was tired I'd understand completely, but I can't see how this could possibly be an issue. 
I've tried to discuss this with her and she seems to think that everythings OK - she even went out to dinner with friends last night and came home announcing that "they only do it once a week"..... Frankly, I don't care much for how often THEY do it. I'm not married to either of these people. The person I DID marry was into sex. 
I'm starting to feel resentful and I really don't want to become that kind of guy. I'm concerned that if this continues that I might start looking further afield for my needs, which sucks, because the only woman I want in my life is my wife.
What am I to do? 
I love her dearly and I know that she feels the same, I even mentioned the D word a few days ago and she was absolutely distressed by this. I am too.
Are there any tests that she can have done?
I recently had a vasectomy so that she can come off the pill. I did this in the hope that this might alter her hormones - not that I told her that. She's not due to come of the pill just yet but I suspect this will make no difference, it's the same one she's been taking for the best part of 20 years.
I don't want duty sex. I want my wife to want me the way she used to.
I fear that there's no long term future for this marriage if I'm going to be harbouring resentment toward her.
It feels like she's got what she needed from me and now she can let her guard down. Call it entrapment. Intellectually I know this isn't what actually going on but that is what my most basic of instincts is telling me and I just can't seem to reconcile myself to a life that involves having sex once every few days with a woman who just doesn;t seem that interested.
Yes, she orgasms EVERY time.
No, she's not cheating.
Has anyone else here had any direct experience with this?
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

This is an all-too-common story, and for most it has an unhappy ending. A few manage to turn things around and many here recommend the MMSL (Married Man Sex Life) book *, which reportedly has helped some. You need to become a new man to regain her interest, and if that doesn't work, the only sure answer is to divorce her - she'll very likely find her libido restored when she dates someone new (at least for a while).

* I haven't read it, though perhaps it would have helped my first marriage if it had existed then. Instead, I found a new wife who does not have libido issues.


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## 305rob305 (Jun 4, 2013)

I'm in the same boat as original poster difference is that we have 4 kids. I've been having these issues for like 2 years and it sucks. I sense when she's just having sex for my needs only and that's the worst. Never she's the one that asks for it. Coming to an end goes through my head once in a while but that won't be fair for my kids which I love. I'm just taking it day by day and hoping that when my three toddlers grow older then maybe just maybe she changes. I also don't want to cheat because once I did before we got married and I promised her and to myself that I won't ever do it again. All I can tell you is to hang in there and always think about the family and kids before anything you do


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Married but Happy said:


> This is an all-too-common story, and for most it has an unhappy ending. A few manage to turn things around and many here recommend the MMSL (Married Man Sex Life) book *, which reportedly has helped some. You need to become a new man to regain her interest, and if that doesn't work, the only sure answer is to divorce her - she'll very likely find her libido restored when she dates someone new (at least for a while).


They always do.



Married but Happy said:


> * I haven't read it, though perhaps it would have helped my first marriage if it had existed then. Instead, I found a new wife who does not have libido issues.


Some of us can dream vicariously through you. Sounds like your next relationship was a complete success and has changed your life for the better.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Is she breastfeeding? 

I know it's easier said than done but I would try to not assume the future is only going to get worse. 

As I had said on your first thread - those years when my children were small were the worst for the sex drive. All my need for touch was fulfilled by dealing with my clingy children all day long and at night I needed to be left alone.

Your wife has a history of liking sex, she's concerned that this is causing you distress. I would hope things will go back to the way they were eventually. 

I can't remember if you said she worked - if she doesn't work she may also be sucked into the Mommy Mode, which is really not sexy. The perfect mom is not sexy, they are modest and have it all together (I'm talking about perception.) I know myself and many other women I know have fallen victim to this, we feel we cant be a ****ty mom. (****ty with our husbands.) Many fall prey to wearing overalls and cutting their hair short and wearing big granny panties. It's a terrible condition (one I'm not saying your wife has) but the good news is that it can be fixed over time.

Weren't you guys going away for a weekend or something? Did that happen? How did she act away from the kids?


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## Antman (Oct 19, 2013)

No, not breastfeeding. Never has.
We went out on a "date night" a while back. Sex wasn't possible due to thrush, which resulted from a course of antibiotics...
I'm starting to think that maybe I should just take charge and tell her that we are going to have sex every day fpr a month and see what happens.
Maybe that would reignite her?
Looking at getting the MMSL book, which i will read right in front of her to make it clear that I'm not mucking around anymore.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Perhaps you should start with one week. 

If my H told me we were having sex every day for a month I would tell him to go **** himself. 

And *I'm* the one that wants more sex in my marriage. I just don't like being told what to do.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Get her off the BC pill first! As we age and have children, our hormones change, so even if the pill didn't affect her in the past it could be just that last little nudge that totally kills her sex drive.

As MissScarlett said, motherhood kills a sex drive, and while husbands need to be helpful, they also need to understand that being a mother NEVER turns off. EVER! It's very difficult to adjust from Mommy to sexy. It's unfortunately a fact of life that almost all women go through, how we deal with it separates the posers from the real sexually alive.

Lastly, the antidepressant Wellbutrin has a very interesting side effect for many women... It increases their sex drive. Talk to her about going off the pill, about taking Wellbutrin, about various ways she can try to increase her sex drive. Remind her that if you developed ED, she would expect you to see a doctor and get it taken care of. This is the same thing.

Don't forget those emotional needs, spending quality alone time, compliments, little gifts as you follow the advice in MMSLP.

I hate when I see men toss that book out to other men without checking to ensure the husband posting isn't being d!ck head!


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## jay1365 (May 22, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> As MissScarlett said, motherhood kills a sex drive, and while husbands need to be helpful, they also need to understand that being a mother NEVER turns off. EVER! It's very difficult to adjust from Mommy to sexy. It's unfortunately a fact of life that almost all women go through, how we deal with it separates the posers from the real sexually alive.


For once I must disagree with anonpink. Always a wife first, then a mother. The kiddies will not be around forever. This guy better fix it quick, because it will only get worse.


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## Antman (Oct 19, 2013)

I guess that a part of why I'm struggling is because she seems to think there is NO problem.
She even said that having sex EVERY night would be silly - to some extent I agree, although I do recall that this was how it used to be.
But I'm thinking that 4 or 5 times a week isn't too much to ask.
She seems to be thinking more like once or twice would be adequate.
It actually feels like she's doing the "bare minimum" just to keep me happy.
The last time she demanded sex was after we'd been apart for nearly a fortnight and I nearly told her to piss off.
I considered suggesting to her that we only seem to have sex when she wants it rather than when I want it. I then thought about asking her how she'd feel if I only wanted it once a year and we had to do it when I felt like it - eg. your needs aren't as important.
Maybe that would give her a bit of a reality check!


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

jay1365 said:


> For once I must disagree with anonpink. Always a wife first, then a mother. The kiddies will not be around forever. This guy better fix it quick, because it will only get worse.


You're welcome to disagree, my statement was not based on philosophical choices but pure instinct and socialization. 

A husbands pouting, or anger, or hurt feelings, or withdrawal does not create the kind of biological stress reaction in women that a baby's cry does. That's biology.

Our culture, and in fact most cultures, hold mothers in a pure selfless kind of frame. A good mother always responds to her child's needs. Since the vast majority of women who become mothers aspire to be good mothers they internalize that message without even realizing it. That's socialization.

Choosing to always put your husband's needs first is not an instinctive behavior but a choice that must be made. And it's kind of antithetical to the instinctive urge to mother first. So I warn you not to ask for that choice. A woman must come to that decision on her own.

It's a life stage, a transition. It takes time to get through. But the marriages that make it through it are the marriages where the husband can temporarily put his needs on hold as his wife battles the seemingly opposing personas. Wife/mother or sexy vixen. With good communication and reminders about being a couple first before being a couple of parents, it will happen.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

So you want sex 4-5 times a week and she only wants sex 1-2 times a week? Is there some way to compromise? Maybe she can cheer you on as you masturbate? Maybe a hand job or blow job?


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## Antman (Oct 19, 2013)

Yep, she does some BJ's and HJ's but that isn't what I'm after. I can give myself an orgasm without her even being there (and I do, very frequently). I want intimacy. Handjobs just don't cut it.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Then take her away from the children for several days every 6-8 weeks to reconnect.


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## Oldfaithful (Nov 27, 2013)

I think that there are different types of tiredness. There's stress that doesn't have much to do with sleep.
JMHO but you can't jump to mentioning divorce so soon or you will push her away.
Having sex with two kids in the house who might wake up can be stressful. Its not fun changing diapers and dealing with drool even if you are not with them all day. Its a turn off.
Can you try to get time away from kids?


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## Antman (Oct 19, 2013)

No, can't get away from the kids. We share the load evenly though. It's very rare for us to get out of the house as a couple (no kids) for even more than a few hours.
Usually, one of us stays at home while the other heads out for some fun - dinners with friends, birthday parties etc. I tend to believe we share that 50/50.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

I also think you need to get away, even for an overnight. 

She might not even realize how much she's stuck in Mommy Mode.

You can't demand or force intimacy - sadly that is why many of us are here. You can tell her you are having sex every night but if she's just doing it because she has to it's not going to be better than doing it yourself.


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## Antman (Oct 19, 2013)

I agree with what you've said. But I was kind of hoping that "forcing" her might remind her of what she's missing.
Plenty of people seem to think that the more you get it, the more you want it. Use it or lose it or something.
I just don't know. It's all too odd for me to understand.
Hell, even when we were doing it daily, I was still having a go at doing it myself most days. Maybe I'm just super HD???


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

How long have her libido issues been creating such a problem? How long have the two of you been working together to find a solution that makes you both happy? 

So, you want sex 4 times a week, but she's happy with 2. Can you compromise on 3?


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Making a proclamation that "others do it once a week" out of the blue seems to indicate she has her own idea about SLA's and that's all there is to it as far as she is concerned. It can be explained to the husband by tiredness, or mommy mode, or what not, but I don't buy it.

SLA - service level agreement


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## Oldfaithful (Nov 27, 2013)

Forcing it isn't going to do it. 
Why can't you hire a sitter?


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

In the same boat, Ant. Wife is in total Mommy mode, and sex isn't even a grain of sand in her mind. 

Regarding getting a sitter, we've done that, and sadly in our case it doesn't work. The first couple of time when I thought it would work, I was informed that she was too tired, but she would oblige if I insisted. No, thanks. I'm not into "are you finished yet?". Since then, I don't even bother.


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## Oldfaithful (Nov 27, 2013)

john117 said:


> making a proclamation that "others do it once a week" out of the blue seems to indicate she has her own idea about sla's and that's all there is to it as far as she is concerned. It can be explained to the husband by tiredness, or mommy mode, or what not, but i don't buy it.
> 
> Sla - service level agreement


sla: Lmao


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> You're welcome to disagree, my statement was not based on philosophical choices but pure instinct and socialization.
> 
> A husbands pouting, or anger, or hurt feelings, or withdrawal does not create the kind of biological stress reaction in women that a baby's cry does. That's biology.
> 
> ...


This may be my density shining through, but I don't understand why being a good wife and being a good mother are mutually exclusive. I can make an effort to be both a good father and a good husband, so why are the roles of "mother" and "wife" so compartmentalized for women?


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## Oldfaithful (Nov 27, 2013)

Fozzy said:


> This may be my density shining through, but I don't understand why being a good wife and being a good mother are mutually exclusive. I can make an effort to be both a good father and a good husband, so why are the roles of "mother" and "wife" so compartmentalized for women?


They can be for males as well. Partly the Madonna/***** issue, partly fear of getting pregnant again, stretch marks, weight gain, and stress.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Fozzy said:


> This may be my density shining through, but I don't understand why being a good wife and being a good mother are mutually exclusive. I can make an effort to be both a good father and a good husband, so why are the roles of "mother" and "wife" so compartmentalized for women?


They're not - in my experience at least, and in the internet as reported in many sites, women are not as able to compartmentalize as men are. They go for the big picture which is a cauldron full of everything.

What we're seeing in fact is the opposite, not compartmentalizing the roles of wife, mother, lover, and employee (if applicable) that nukes it all.


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## 1812overture (Nov 25, 2013)

My first inclination is to say be happy with what you are getting. But my second inclination is that if it's bothering you, it's worth talking about. 
Sounds as though child #2 is maybe a year old, which can be tiring an post-partum depression can crop up at that point. But "once a week is enough for them" is, indeed, worrying, because next year it could be "once a month is enough for them."
Without knowing how she is really feeling, it sees wise to talk about it but not complain about it. Then, if there comes a point where frequency and/or her unwillingness/inability to initiate don't change, it's not a surprise to her. You can say "we've talked about this" and seek professional guidance.
I'm 9 years from our second child, 8 1/2 years from a vasectomy, and I'm still not sure I've gotten my money's worth on the procedure. I sure wish I had addressed things back then, because now once a month feels like a lot.


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

Antman said:


> Has anyone else here had any direct experience with this?
> Any advice would be greatly appreciated.


I do. I went from high drive to low drive after having two kids 17 months apart. Low drive eventually turned into low desire for my husband due to issues we now understand, but at the time misunderstood and mishandled. 

You are right to be addressing this now. You might have to reign in your expectations for a bit longer, though. With two young children, your wife might be giving you all she honestly has at the moment. If she is, there is not much you can do to up the frequency for the time being. But there is quite a bit you can do that would ensure her low drive turns into low desire for you. 

I do recommend MMSLP; I wish my husband had read it when our kids were younger. I don't think it would have helped when my drive was low, but when my drive came back it would have been better if the man I married was still there, rather than a bitter stressed out dad who had gone all beta in an effort to "win" me back. 

I wish I had found TAM when my kids were young, to better understand why I should have been much, much more proactive in helping my husband through my my low drive period. I wish I had found my way to IC sooner to help dispel with the resentment I had toward my husband for not being to understand how I struggled with motherhood.

Live and learn. 

I don't know you or your wife, but here are a few suggestions, since you asked. 

1. Make sure she has time for herself before you ask for intimacy with her. Did she get an hour or two to take a shower, read the paper, eat her dinner, go for a walk, etc. without having to worry about the kids? Yes, every day. I needed that, but I didn't think I could ask for it. I couldn't even to to the grocery store alone without worrying about my husband being mad that I was gone too long. Maybe it's the type of person I am, but I can't be intimate with my husband if I've not had any time to myself. 

2. Lower your expectations for weekly sex count for the time being. You'll get all sorts of advice on whether or not you should accept that motherhood affect libido, but I can attest to you that for some women it does. Try asking if she'd been willing to work in more non sexual intimacy that is satisfying to you. At the same time, discuss with her that you are giving her more space because she seems to need it, but that you are concerned about it becoming "the new norm." Ask her to agree to a set time to bring up the sexual frequency discussion again. I suggest six months, but whatever you guys can agree on. 

3. Every evening, put your toddler on your back and do push ups shirtless for your wife. You'll look great as a dad AND a husband. Seriously, make her laugh. My husband and I took new parenthood way too seriously. 

4. Take a deep breath and accept that this is not going to be a sprint. You'll hear plenty of doom and gloom predictions, but don't let your situation become a self-fulfilling prophesy. What you and your wife are going through is normal. How you handle it is key. Be aware, but but be patient. You love your wife, you want to be married to her. It's sometimes hard work--and now is one of those times.


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

ChargingCharlie said:


> In the same boat, Ant. Wife is in total Mommy mode, and sex isn't even a grain of sand in her mind.
> 
> Regarding getting a sitter, we've done that, and sadly in our case it doesn't work. The first couple of time when I thought it would work, I was informed that she was too tired, but she would oblige if I insisted. No, thanks. I'm not into "are you finished yet?". Since then, I don't even bother.


come home, draw her a bath, get her favorite music, magazines whatever and set her up a chance away from the kids to relax.
Explain to her that you need her to learn to compartmentalize her role as mommy and sexual being. If she cannot learn to do that, then you will no longer be satisfied with your sex life or marriage. 
Obviously have this talk before and a different day then the bath is drawn. She needs to understand what damage she is doing to you.
Woman will defend woman on here and that is understandable, but they fail to see the damage to the ego of the H they cause in the process of being this way and woman will come on here and tell you what they think she is feeling for you to better understand. Problem is not your understanding of her position, it is more her understanding of what destruction she is causing. Tell her you will take over after dinner daily, and you will get the kids to bed, etc... Tell her to read, relax, take a bath, whatever it is she needs to do to get out of mommy mode. And if she will not work on it, and succeed with you, she can always be a single mommy. Do not cheat on her, you may have to make her understand that you sticking around to feel unloved is not an option for her.


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## where_are_we (May 24, 2013)

Fozzy said:


> This may be my density shining through, but I don't understand why being a good wife and being a good mother are mutually exclusive. I can make an effort to be both a good father and a good husband, so why are the roles of "mother" and "wife" so compartmentalized for women?


I was just about to ask the same thing. We all fill many roles in our lives, and they change throughout the day.


Imagine, at your job if you did your job 100% every day, but you did the same tasks every day. One day your boss gives you a new duty in addition to your old. Would you just focus on the new duty? Decide you are not going to do the old duties so you can be really good at the new exciting duty (especially if it's one you always wanted)? How long do you think you would keep that job?


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

where_are_we said:


> I was just about to ask the same thing. We all fill many roles in our lives, and they change throughout the day.
> 
> 
> Imagine, at your job if you did your job 100% every day, but you did the same tasks every day. One day your boss gives you a new duty in addition to your old. Would you just focus on the new duty? Decide you are not going to do the old duties so you can be really good at the new exciting duty (especially if it's one you always wanted)? How long do you think you would keep that job?


Well it would seem she is compartmentalizing well, just she only opens one compartment once a week as a duty. Most woman compartmentalize well, its using the compartments that gets forgotten.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

I've got bad news for you. You can't do anything to increase her libido. It must be her decision and she must be motivated to do so. All you can do is to be clear and direct that the current situation is not acceptable for you. Her reaction should tell you all you need to know. Unless she agrees that this is a problem looking for a solution, you will be wasting any further effort. 

While a reduction in the frequency of sex should be expected with two small children, you both need to be satisfied. She must take your sexual needs seriously or you will most likely find yourself having in satisfying duty sex every 4-6 weeks. Her comments about her friend's sex life does not bode well. She is trying to justify even less sex. 

Now is the time to have an honest and direct conversation about the problem. If she agrees to work with you on it, I suggest patience and generosity. Be willing to compromise. If not, you need to figure out if you are willing to sacrifice your sexual needs to stay together. Not an easy decision, to be sure.

Good luck.


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

nogutsnoglory said:


> come home, draw her a bath, get her favorite music, magazines whatever and set her up a chance away from the kids to relax.
> Explain to her that you need her to learn to compartmentalize her role as mommy and sexual being. If she cannot learn to do that, then you will no longer be satisfied with your sex life or marriage.
> Obviously have this talk before and a different day then the bath is drawn. She needs to understand what damage she is doing to you.
> Woman will defend woman on here and that is understandable, but they fail to see the damage to the ego of the H they cause in the process of being this way and woman will come on here and tell you what they think she is feeling for you to better understand. Problem is not your understanding of her position, it is more her understanding of what destruction she is causing. Tell her you will take over after dinner daily, and you will get the kids to bed, etc... Tell her to read, relax, take a bath, whatever it is she needs to do to get out of mommy mode. And if she will not work on it, and succeed with you, she can always be a single mommy. Do not cheat on her, you may have to make her understand that you sticking around to feel unloved is not an option for her.


I think this is a pretty good answer. I agree that women have trouble focusing on much besides motherhood for the first year or two. It really can't be compared to other tasks--there is nothing else like it. But by expressing an understanding of this and then OFFERING TO HELP with your wife finding time to focus on her sexuality is, I think, a potentially very productive approach. It acknowledges that motherhood challenges a woman's sense of identity, but does not accept that the sexual should be abandoned in favor of the maternal. 

I also think the point made here about women not appreciating the blow their husband's sense of self worth is valid. I know I didn't comprehend what lack of sexual intimacy was doing to my husband--how it had permeated almost every aspect of his life in negative ways. When I finally did, I was full of regrets. 

It's worth pointing out, however, that women feel that men aren't "getting" their position, either. To come here and see motherhood treated like any other task that one might encounter in life evokes much eye-rolling in (many? most?) woman readers. I think that, for most women, motherhood is life changing in ways that other daily tasks that call for compartmentalizing are not. I'm sure that sounds like a cop out to some men, just like "I need sex to feel loved" sounds like a cop out to some women.


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## CaptainLOTO (Nov 6, 2013)

When you get MMSL, read it and do NOT tell her you are reading it.

If you agree with it, apply it to your life and you'll likely be AMAZED. (Personal experience - it's a great book with great ideas but it requires an open mind to embrace what it has to say and act on it.)

MMSL will help you be a better husband. If she has other problems such as postpartum depression or her self-image is off MMSL may help you identify those and be in a better position to help her.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Fozzy said:


> This may be my density shining through, but I don't understand why being a good wife and being a good mother are mutually exclusive. I can make an effort to be both a good father and a good husband, so why are the roles of "mother" and "wife" so compartmentalized for women?


Right term, wrong application. Men compartmentalize with ease. Women don't. Remember I said Mom is 24/7/365? It never turns off. Women have to learn how to blend the role of mother with sexy vixen wife and it takes a long time. Mother does not chase a man around for sex. Mother does not play footsie under the breakfast table.

It's not a matter of making an effort, otherwise she would t be willing to give the BJs and HJ Antman gets. That's her effort. SHE doesn't want to have sex but she gives him something to make him happy. 

We're talking about different things anyway.

Do you want her to chase you? Well that won't be happening until she no longer has to chase kids. 

Do you want her to be happy to have sex when you want it? Well that won't be happening until she is no longer completely exhausted every damn night!

Do you want her to take care of your needs for sexual release without feeling like you're begging? That can happen.

I'm sorry if I sound man hating, but it has been my experience that in 99% of working couples the husband THINKS he's putting in equal time but the wife doesn't. I have only seen one marriage where the husband not only put in his share but lots more, that wife was the most un-nurturing woman I've ever met and I felt sad for her son.

So if your wife agrees that the work load is split 50/50 and she remains aloof and exhausted and not interested in sex, then there is something else going on.

Raising a young family will be the most sexless years of your life but it doesn't have to break the marriage apart, you don't have to be silent about it. But you do have to be realistic. You DO have to get away from the kids regularly to reconnect with your wife on a man woman level. And sometimes it takes several outings before she remembers who she was.

If you can arrange time away, then you're screwed. Sorry, but thats the way it is.


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## onedge (Nov 27, 2013)

Dear Antman,
I totally understand your situation. At first from your wife's perspective and now from yours. My husband and I have been together for 17 years and married for 16. I felt rejected from my husband while I was pregnant because I was always the one to initiate. I told myself he just has that going-to-hurt-the-baby fear that is common among men. Afterwards, we tried to get back to normal but then I started feeling resentment towards him and did the rejecting. My resentment was because I was tired (working full time, all the chores at home, taking care of the baby). I was angry because there was no more flirting in the evening, no major affection, no action that said I was a woman before mother and maid. Then late at night he would climb into bed and start cop a feel and I was truly physically tired by this time. I would subtly hint to him that he needs a different plan of attack but he never really understood that. He was a good husband and still is. Never raised his voice, always showed respect, no addictions, no running around with his buddies, loved his daughter, good provider. 

I did end up about year after the baby on a birth control that did lower my libido. Now I wasn't rejecting him but he started having ED issues and sex became one-sided and then I couldn't get into it at all. We became friendly roomates without sex.

We would try to fix this problem about every 5-6 months and once we start to get over the hurdle of BC/ED, he starts to ignore me and back to the same old life. Over the summer, my insurance covered a different BC that does not interfere and it came back with a passion. All I could think about 24/7. It took my about 2 months to work up the nerve to start giving subtle hints but definitely he knew what I was asking. And once again, we got past that hurdle and he is starting to ignore me again.

I thought ok maybe it is time to give up subtle with him while I was trying my best to flirt that I really wanted passion, play, spark between us. I even told him what little things he could do and still ignoring me.


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

This is on her, do what you can to help her, communicate, but above all give her the consequences and make sure you do not give in. YOU MUST do all that you can to allow her time to feel like an adult, so yes time away is very helpful, also the kids to bed early so you two have time alone every night. Be strict with the kids. Early to bed and do not allow any deviation, make sure their schedule is in tact and regimented. It allows for predictable relaxation time each day. If you know they are to bed at 8:30 then she can allow herself to wind down and switch gears.
DO all you can to help her, but she must understand that her changing is not negotiable for you. You are not happily married and you demand to be. BTW most woman are not physically exhausted daily due to motherhood, that is generally an excuse. You read all over here how they have time to read, get on the computer for hours, watch all their shows etc... So they are happy to set time aside for themselves, you are just not invited. Some days they absolutely are, and if she is not a disciplined parent, with kids running the show all day, then yes, she is definitely exhausted. 
Kids need to be on a schedule both for their benefit and yours. This includes rest and nap times, exercise (so they will nap). Doing these things allows the parent to schedule their life better and also allows less for the I am a tired and busy mom ...
Sorry but that is not a good enough reason. You agreed to have kids, you never agreed she was allowed to get lazy in the marriage.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

nogutsnoglory said:


> BTW most woman are not physically exhausted daily due to motherhood, that is generally an excuse. You read all over here how they have time to read, get on the computer for hours, watch all their shows etc... So they are happy to set time aside for themselves, you are just not invited.


Ooooooh this makes me so angry!!!!!

I'm sorry about what a b!tch your wife is. But leave your issues on your thread!


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

nogutsnoglory said:


> This is on her, do what you can to help her, communicate, but above all give her the consequences and make sure you do not give in. YOU MUST do all that you can to allow her time to feel like an adult, so yes time away is very helpful, also the kids to bed early so you two have time alone every night. Be strict with the kids. Early to bed and do not allow any deviation, make sure their schedule is in tact and regimented. It allows for predictable relaxation time each day. If you know they are to bed at 8:30 then she can allow herself to wind down and switch gears.
> DO all you can to help her, but she must understand that her changing is not negotiable for you. You are not happily married and you demand to be. BTW most woman are not physically exhausted daily due to motherhood, that is generally an excuse. You read all over here how they have time to read, get on the computer for hours, watch all their shows etc... So they are happy to set time aside for themselves, you are just not invited. Some days they absolutely are, and if she is not a disciplined parent, with kids running the show all day, then yes, she is definitely exhausted.
> Kids need to be on a schedule both for their benefit and yours. This includes rest and nap times, exercise (so they will nap). Doing these things allows the parent to schedule their life better and also allows less for the I am a tired and busy mom ...
> Sorry but that is not a good enough reason. You agreed to have kids, you never agreed she was allowed to get lazy in the marriage.


Agree about making the marriage a priority. Agree that you need to communicate your needs.

Disagree about motherhood being exhausting. But I'm only going on actual experience here. . . 

Oh, and BTW, sex when you don't have drive or desire takes more focus and energy (mental and physical) than Facebook and TV. Hell, sex when I'm raring to go and can't wait till he puts in in me takes more energy than FB or TV. I can FB and watch TV when I'm near comatose! 

"I'm tired" sometimes really means "I'm tired." Otherwise, it usually means "You're not doing it for me." 

OP, you can put this on your wife's shoulders, sure. And eventually the situation might warrant it. But for now I think you can help one another. Your wife isn't here asking for suggestions, but you are. If she were here, I'd have plenty of action items for her, too. Point is--help one another through this and there's a better chance you'll get the old groove back. Three months postpartum is not the time to start with the demands. 

Unless you want a decade of sh!tty sex. Again, that pesky experience. . . .


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

If not physically exhausted then emotionally exhausting. For many women sex is an emotional excersise and it becomes difficult when you are running on empty. In a perfect world a spouse would be attended to as quickly as a helpless child but it doesn't end up that way, generally, because husbands are adults who can hopefully care for themselves.

For a little while as.the kids get older things get much better. They can watch a kid program and never notice you are screwing in the other room. Then before you know.it they are teenagers all up in your business. I'm dealing with this right now as H.is getting allergic to having sex when the children are awake and in the house.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Emotionally exhausting? As in, do I want this bozo's paws all over me? Or, as in, he made a bad comment about my blouse last month. Or, as in, can I have a quick excuse? The Voice is coming up in ten minutes...

It is a lot less exhausting to actually tell it like it is, and be honest and upfront. Instead we waste millions or billions on books, therapists, and wasted dates just because a spouse is unable or unwilling to provide a rational explanation to a basic question...


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

John, your posts the past week have been rather biting. It's time to get laid again.


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## Oldfaithful (Nov 27, 2013)

"Three months postpartum is not the time to start with the demands." 

--She's three months postpartum? Not to be gross but her body still hasn't recovered from giving birth yet. I think at three months my vagina felt huge still, hips were still clicky, everything in my body felt foreign.

It gets better.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> John, your posts the past week have been rather biting. It's time to get laid again.


Lolz.

My comments will be even more biting after a couple of hours of awesome but meaningless lay.

Besides who needs sex now that 30 new levels of Angry Birds were released? As fate would have it, the mad pig scientist levels :rofl:


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

john117 said:


> who needs sex now that 30 new levels of Angry Birds were released? As fate would have it, the mad pig scientist levels :rofl:


:rofl:

I totally get that!


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

I have 3 stars in most of the bird series except Space and Star Wars. Star Wars 2 is a lot easier. Space especially, lemme tell you. Very tricky.

Angry Birds has been part of my MMSL / NMMNG self improvement and hobbies routine. Nothing annoys the Mrs when she has to work 18 hours a day and I'm blasting pigs across the known universe :rofl:


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## Antman (Oct 19, 2013)

Oldfaithful said:


> "Three months postpartum is not the time to start with the demands."
> 
> --She's three months postpartum? Not to be gross but her body still hasn't recovered from giving birth yet. I think at three months my vagina felt huge still, hips were still clicky, everything in my body felt foreign.
> 
> It gets better.


No, our youngest is 8 months old. She (the baby) has been sleeping through the night for three months now. Eg. We both have been getting a full nights sleep for the past three months. Hence, "I'm tired" doesn't seem a reasonable excuse.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Antman said:


> No, our youngest is 8 months old. She (the baby) has been sleeping through the night for three months now. Eg. We both have been getting a full nights sleep for the past three months. Hence, "I'm tired" doesn't seem a reasonable excuse.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Your wife's body just went through a grueling 9 months of mega changes followed by a marathon session of labor and delivery. It is not unusual for it to take up to a full year for her to feel the same kind of energy and stamina she had prebaby.

Didn't they cover this in child birth classes?


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> Didn't they cover this in child birth classes?


All I remember from that era was the group La Leche League instruction sessions


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