# I Want to Start All Over



## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

I want out of my marriage. I want to get away from my family. I want to move away, out of town somewhere where I don't know anyone and start all over. I hate my life and I don't know why. 

I told H I wanted a D the other day and he was asking me a bunch of questions and wouldn't leave me to myself. When he realized he couldn't talk me out of it he broke down and begged me to stay and I said no. It really hurt me to see him like that. He asked if I wanted a boyfriend if that's why I was leaving. I said I want new everything and he said I could have a boyfriend just please dont leave. Idk, Idk what to do. I want to leave but I don't want to hurt him. He's an incredible man and I love him so much, the last thing I want to do is hurt him but I feel like I'm dying inside continuing to live this life i'm living. 

I just, I want out but I don't know what to do. Well the other day I was feeling overwhelmed so I purchased a bus ticket to a city on the other side of the country (it's a 24 hour drive from here). It's scheduled to leave on the 1st of November. I don't have any money to take with me. I don't know anyone who lives in this city and I don't know how i'll make it on my own but for some reason the thought of doing this feels like the only bright spot in my days. 

What should I do?


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

My first thought is that running away from our problems and unhappiness rarely works. Your happiness needs to come from you, and you can't run away from yourself.

My second thought is that spending money you can't afford on a fantasy trip that will likely leave you broke is a strange city is irresponsible. It's like being broke and blowing your limited funds on a lottery ticket looking for a "quick win" rather than conserving your money for real necessities and trying to solve the issues.

My final thought... If you really need to get out of your life, make a plan. Make some lists of what's stopping you from being happy, and work on solutions for them. If nothing else, start looking for a job for whatever city you plan on ending up in, and don't leave until you have enough money to survive there for awhile, or have a job there.

I think many people feel better once they have a plan, even if they can't execute on it all immediately. But running away? That's not likely to get you to a better place in life.

C


----------



## EntirelyDifferent (Nov 30, 2012)

I think that if you're serious, stop beating around the bush and break it off with your husband.
Yes, it will hurt him, but I'm willing to bet that after telling him you wanted a divorce, you're hurting him now... At least he'd know for certain where he stands with you and can attempt to pick up the pieces and move on.


----------



## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

EntirelyDifferent said:


> I think that if you're serious, stop beating around the bush and break it off with your husband.
> Yes, it will hurt him, but I'm willing to bet that after telling him you wanted a divorce, you're hurting him now... At least he'd know for certain where he stands with you and can attempt to pick up the pieces and move on.


To be honest he's the only reason I haven't left yet. I can't bare to hurt him. He knows I'm serious about a D, it doesn't matter he wants to stay together. I guess cause he knows I love him. I'm feeling really confused right now.


----------



## EntirelyDifferent (Nov 30, 2012)

Did you ever sit down with him and have a conversation about how unhappy you are? Or did you just come out of the blue and told him you wanted to D?


----------



## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

EntirelyDifferent said:


> Did you ever sit down with him and have a conversation about how unhappy you are? Or did you just come out of the blue and told him you wanted to D?



I told him I was unhappy. He's known for a while. We don't hide things from one another. We've been trying different things and working on it for a long while now. I've only felt gradually worse. I feel like I'm at my breaking point now.


----------



## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

PBear said:


> My first thought is that running away from our problems and unhappiness rarely works. Your happiness needs to come from you, and you can't run away from yourself.
> 
> My second thought is that spending money you can't afford on a fantasy trip that will likely leave you broke is a strange city is irresponsible. It's like being broke and blowing your limited funds on a lottery ticket looking for a "quick win" rather than conserving your money for real necessities and trying to solve the issues.
> 
> ...


Sorry it took me so long to respond, I've been trying to think of how to express myself clearly. I went to a therapist a while ago and found out I've been living with PTSD, panic attacks, and panic disorder for several years now. To put it simply I'm surrounded around a lot of triggers for me some of which are associated with my environment even though on the surface they seem harmless. I hope that makes sense??? I feel like a break away from these triggers in a completely new environment will help me to overcome this. 

Also on the money front I'm not really worried about it. I just hate to make any rash decisions and this trip away feels like that for me. To be clear my husband has been the only one working for most of our marriage. He has money and I don't (even though we've always said it's "our" money) and leaving him I wont use any of his money to re-establish myself though he's made it clear he wants to help. 

I'm no longer seeing my therapist for several reasons I wont go into. I would really like to know if anyone thinks it's a good idea for me to go? If not does anyone have any alternative ideas? I would really appreciate some advice.


----------



## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

WHY do you want a divorce?
For real,why?
Ask youself deep down if you are better with or without him.
He's begging and agreeing to some dumb stuff but he is in sock and will
come out of it.
I did.
Be careful what you ask for,you just might get it.
If this is what you want then do it yesterday,you sound sure of it and there
Is no reason for you to give him false hope,that would be cruel.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

Sorry, this one is a real headscratcher. You're married to a "wonderful man" and you have a "family" (I presume that means kids?) and you're just going to pick up and move to the other side of the country with nothing in your pocket and no work history, because of some "triggers" that you will allegedly get away from? And meanwhile, you're suffering from PTSD and panic attacks but you decided to stop seeing a therapist while on the verge of making this rash and potentially disastrous decision?

This is unequivocally a terrible idea. Not one rationalization you have given so far makes an iota of sense. If you want to leave your husband, fine, but get your head out of the clouds with this "just start over" fantasy nonsense. There's no such thing. You will take all of your personal demons with you wherever you go, so you might as well face them.


----------



## jay1365 (May 22, 2013)

I am going to take a wild shot in the dark and say you are dealing with some serious abandonment issues. Having experienced the same issues, I can tell you I have often felt like I must leave everything behind so they can't do it to me first. Like I said, just a wild guess.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Love Song said:


> I want out of my marriage. I want to get away from my family. I want to move away, out of town somewhere where I don't know anyone and start all over. I hate my life and I don't know why.


 Possible Mid Life Crisis?



> I told H I wanted a D the other day and he was asking me a bunch of questions and wouldn't leave me to myself. When he realized he couldn't talk me out of it he broke down and begged me to stay and I said no. It really hurt me to see him like that. He asked if I wanted a boyfriend if that's why I was leaving. I said I want new everything and he said I could have a boyfriend just please dont leave. Idk, Idk what to do. I want to leave but I don't want to hurt him. *He's an incredible man and I love him so much, the last thing I want to do is hurt him but I feel like I'm dying inside continuing to live this life i'm living.*


 Without knowing the full story, I have a hard time understanding how you can call this man incredible and you love him so much..then in another breathe, you can't continue living with him -you feel you are dying inside and want a divorce....

I assume there is some *resentment* here -to lead you to this place -which often clouds love very badly... but you also said you "don't know why" you feel as you do... 

Your husband sounds like he CARES... is it a case of "too little TOO late"....in your eyes... are you seeing clearly...what would HE say ?



> I just, I want out but I don't know what to do. Well the other day I was feeling overwhelmed so I purchased a bus ticket to a city on the other side of the country (it's a 24 hour drive from here). It's scheduled to leave on the 1st of November. I don't have any money to take with me. *I don't know anyone who lives in this city and I don't know how i'll make it on my own but for some reason the thought of doing this feels like the only bright spot in my days. *


DO NOT DO THIS.... take a DAY TRIP in your area away from it all... Take walks, Pray if you have too, call someone to talk... this is not your answer.... You must get a hold of yourself and allow your reason to dictate here....running off to another side of the country ....BROKE, not knowing a soul ...having a Panic disorder on top of this.......you will be at the mercy of complete strangers & could find yourself near living on the streets... 



> I told him I was unhappy.


 Do you understand the WHY's to your unhappiness? Unmet needs, desires...is most of this related to his behavior? or external things outside of your husband ?



> * Pbear said*: My final thought... If you really need to get out of your life, make a plan. Make some lists of what's stopping you from being happy, and work on solutions for them. If nothing else, start looking for a job for whatever city you plan on ending up in, and don't leave until you have enough money to survive there for awhile, or have a job there.
> 
> I think many people feel better once they have a plan, even if they can't execute on it all immediately. But running away? That's not likely to get you to a better place in life.


 This is sound advice. :thumbup: :thumbup: :thumbup:



> *Love Song said:* I went to a therapist a while ago and found out I've been living with *PTSD, panic attacks, and panic disorder* for several years now. To put it simply I'm surrounded around a lot of triggers for me some of which are associated with my environment even though on the surface they seem harmless. I hope that makes sense??? *I feel like a break away from these triggers in a completely new environment will help me to overcome this.*


 What are your triggers, if you can share... and don't you feel that these same things will follow in a "normal life" somewhere else?


----------



## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

calvin said:


> WHY do you want a divorce?
> For real,why?
> Ask youself deep down if you are better with or without him.
> He's begging and agreeing to some dumb stuff but he is in sock and will
> ...


Idk. I wish I could answer that I just know I need to do something different because what I'm doing now clearly isn't working for me. I wish I had more answers. I guess that's why I'm so torn up about this. I'm usually so together with myself, if that makes any sense. Usually if anything is going on in my life that bothers me I know exactly what it is and can handle the problem quickly. Right now I just feel like a mess and I don't feel happy with anything. 

I'm sure I want to move away. I'm not sure I want to leave my husband.


----------



## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

Cancel your bus trip. It's a nightmare waiting to happen. Make an appointment to see your therapist to discuss this, or find another one if you're not happy with the one you had. A decision like this made rashly is not likely to turn out well. If you really have a good reason to leave your husband, you still need a plan.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Sorry, but it still just sounds like you want to run away and you expect your issues won't follow you. I really don't think it works like that, in most cases. 

C


----------



## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Love Song said:


> Right now I just feel like a mess and I don't feel happy with anything.
> 
> I'm sure I want to move away. I'm not sure I want to leave my husband.


It's never a good time to make hasty decisions, but this sounds like the worst possible time to make a hasty decision about big, life changing things.

You told your H you want a divorce and now you're saying you're not sure you want to leave him. It's really unfair of you to play with his emotions like that.


----------



## tdwal (Jul 28, 2012)

Love Song said:


> Idk. I wish I could answer that I just know I need to do something different because what I'm doing now clearly isn't working for me. I wish I had more answers. I guess that's why I'm so torn up about this. I'm usually so together with myself, if that makes any sense. Usually if anything is going on in my life that bothers me I know exactly what it is and can handle the problem quickly. Right now I just feel like a mess and I don't feel happy with anything.
> 
> I'm sure I want to move away. I'm not sure I want to leave my husband.


Have you seen a doctor for depression meds. You are certainly depressed and not reasoning correctly. Running away is never the answer. I think that everybody at some time in their lives want to run away from responsibility, stress you name it. But don't act on this by putting yourself in peril in another city, that is certainly not the road to happiness.


----------



## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

John Lee said:


> Sorry, this one is a real headscratcher. You're married to a "wonderful man" and you have a "family" (I presume that means kids?) and you're just going to pick up and move to the other side of the country with nothing in your pocket and no work history, because of some "triggers" that you will allegedly get away from? And meanwhile, you're suffering from PTSD and panic attacks but you decided to stop seeing a therapist while on the verge of making this rash and potentially disastrous decision?
> 
> This is unequivocally a terrible idea. Not one rationalization you have given so far makes an iota of sense. If you want to leave your husband, fine, but get your head out of the clouds with this "just start over" fantasy nonsense. There's no such thing. You will take all of your personal demons with you wherever you go, so you might as well face them.


The way you put it I can see how it's confusing but I'm really just putting all of this out there and hoping someone out there has gone through the same thing or similar and knows what worked for them. I don't have answers. I wish I did. 

But maybe this will clear a few things up? 
family as in extended family, a couple of them are triggers for me
I've never liked therapists I just find them hard to trust plus a few bad experiences from my teen years doesn't help. This particular therapist that I saw last was very pushy about prescribing me medication. There were a few other reasons why I stopped seeing her but I'd rather not go into it. Besides she's not my problem right now. 
And maybe you think I should be on the meds but I refuse to take them. I wont even take a tylenol unless I've got a migraine. 
I've not seen the therapist for several months. I decided to leave the city this month.

Thanks for your advice.


----------



## tdwal (Jul 28, 2012)

Love Song said:


> The way you put it I can see how it's confusing but I'm really just putting all of this out there and hoping someone out there has gone through the same thing or similar and knows what worked for them. I don't have answers. I wish I did.
> 
> But maybe this will clear a few things up?
> family as in extended family, a couple of them are triggers for me
> ...


Listen, when your at the point you are, meds are the only thing that will help quickly enough to keep you from acting irrationally. They are not a permanent thing, they are to give you relief until you can work through this with a counselor and deal with the underlying issues. Its self destructive to think that you should not ever take any medicine.

Happiness comes from within, it has to come from you. Nobody can provide you with happiness, therefore changing surroundings, starting over as you call it will not change a thing, you will still be facing the issues but now you will have guilt added on top of it. Please reach out to a doctor and get some help.


----------



## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

jay1365 said:


> I am going to take a wild shot in the dark and say you are dealing with some serious abandonment issues. Having experienced the same issues, I can tell you I have often felt like I must leave everything behind so they can't do it to me first. Like I said, just a wild guess.


I don't know how you got that but yes I have abandonment issues. It's one of the things the therapist discussed with me when I was still seeing her.


----------



## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

Love Song said:


> But maybe this will clear a few things up?


Nope.


----------



## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Possible Mid Life Crisis?
> 
> Without knowing the full story, I have a hard time understanding how you can call this man incredible and you love him so much..then in another breathe, you can't continue living with him -you feel you are dying inside and want a divorce....
> 
> ...


I have read up on Mid Life Crisis before and a lot of it makes me feel like maybe I'm going through this??? The only problem is I'm not middle aged. I'm still in my twenties. 

To be clear my husband is a wonderful man. I've been with him for a very long time (since high school) and my love continues to grow for him as time goes on. Also he loves me unconditionally and has always been supportive in helping me through whatever may be going on with me. 
When I said I was dying inside I didn't mean because of him, I meant because of my life. I do not and will not blame my problems on him. I guess I just feel like starting over will help me to start off right. Like if I could do things over I can stop myself from triggering and falling into the old habits that make me unhappy. 

If I told you what my triggers were they wouldn't make sense unless I told you what happened to me and I feel completely uncomfortable with doing this. There is only one person in my personal life that knows I even have PTSD or anything else and that's my husband. 

Thanks for your time.


----------



## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

norajane said:


> It's never a good time to make hasty decisions, but this sounds like the worst possible time to make a hasty decision about big, life changing things.
> 
> You told your H you want a divorce and now you're saying you're not sure you want to leave him. It's really unfair of you to play with his emotions like that.


After starting this thread I told him Idk what's wrong with me and I want to see if we can work things out but that I don't promise anything. We're discussing things together right now. Only thing for certain right now is my leaving the city on the 1st.


----------



## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

tdwal said:


> Listen, when your at the point you are, meds are the only thing that will help quickly enough to keep you from acting irrationally. They are not a permanent thing, they are to give you relief until you can work through this with a counselor and deal with the underlying issues. Its self destructive to think that you should not ever take any medicine.
> 
> Happiness comes from within, it has to come from you. Nobody can provide you with happiness, therefore changing surroundings, starting over as you call it will not change a thing, you will still be facing the issues but now you will have guilt added on top of it. Please reach out to a doctor and get some help.


One of the reasons I wont take them is because I have an addictive personality. I'm afraid of getting addicted to them. And no I've never had an addiction. I just know myself well enough to know it wouldn't be a good combination. What's the point of replacing one problem with another? 

Thanks for your advice and time.


----------



## belleoftheball (May 16, 2013)

Hmmmm after reading your op and all of the comments, than this is what I have to say and think about it all. 

I honestly think you are confused. Why do I say that? I think by the way you are talking about being so unhappy that you went online and found someone new. That someone new is wonderful and does not truly know you or give a hoot about it yet. You two have been talking for quite some time and decided to meet. You decided to meet at the beginning of November. Since you are so unhappy in your situation you decided to give up your life and move cross country?

How am I doing so far? 

Some of the reasons I say all this is because you say you still love your husband but do not know what to do. Well you already said you are not going through certain things, so one of the other options left is someone else has your heart at the moment. Another sign is you said your husband makes all the money, but you will not use it for this. So where did it come from? Boyfriend? 

Anyways that is just my thoughts and opinions and if that is what you are facing than send me a pm please.


----------



## tdwal (Jul 28, 2012)

Love Song said:


> One of the reasons I wont take them is because I have an addictive personality. I'm afraid of getting addicted to them. And no I've never had an addiction. I just know myself well enough to know it wouldn't be a good combination. What's the point of replacing one problem with another?
> 
> Thanks for your advice and time.


Anti depressants are not addictive drugs.


----------



## belleoftheball (May 16, 2013)

I only say to pm me because I have been there and done that in the past from what I have laid out and can give some useful advice.


----------



## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

belleoftheball said:


> Hmmmm after reading your op and all of the comments, than this is what I have to say and think about it all.
> 
> I honestly think you are confused. Why do I say that? I think by the way you are talking about being so unhappy that you went online and found someone new. That someone new is wonderful and does not truly know you or give a hoot about it yet. You two have been talking for quite some time and decided to meet. You decided to meet at the beginning of November. Since you are so unhappy in your situation you decided to give up your life and move cross country?
> 
> ...


Sigh.

Hmmmm how do I explain? The type of mutual love I have with my husband is once in a lifetime. To find ANY kind of relationship in your life where the person loves you unconditionally and not some messed up version of their idea of love is rare and I know I struck gold when I found him. 
Believe you me, he is not the problem nor is anyone else in the picture. If there were someone else (my husband and I both said we would always talk to one another if we ever had a thought about being with someone else. We are a team.) I would kindly express that to dear H and move on instead of dragging him through it or lying to him about it. He deserves better then that. 

And if there were someone else my gawd this all would be a lot simpler. I wouldn't be posting here about my embarrassing problems and asking complete strangers for help in a situation not even my mother knows about. 

I honestly don't know what brought you to that conclusion but I hope I've made myself clear that I'm NOT having an affair. I'm just idk, i need help/advice. 

And thank you very much for trying to help me and for your time. I truly appreciate it.


----------



## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

tdwal said:


> Anti depressants are not addictive drugs.


Ok. I'll think about it.


----------



## belleoftheball (May 16, 2013)

Maybe I am just so tired and read to much into it. I am sorry. I hope you find the answers you are looking for though.


----------



## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

belleoftheball said:


> Maybe I am just so tired and read to much into it. I am sorry. I hope you find the answers you are looking for though.


No harm done, it was nice of you to reach out to me and Thanks! I hope you made it through your situation well. You can PM me if you want to talk about it.


----------



## mace17 (Jul 12, 2013)

Love Song said:


> I want out of my marriage. I want to get away from my family. I want to move away, out of town somewhere where I don't know anyone and start all over. I hate my life and I don't know why.
> 
> I told H I wanted a D the other day and he was asking me a bunch of questions and wouldn't leave me to myself. When he realized he couldn't talk me out of it he broke down and begged me to stay and I said no. It really hurt me to see him like that. He asked if I wanted a boyfriend if that's why I was leaving. I said I want new everything and he said I could have a boyfriend just please dont leave. Idk, Idk what to do. I want to leave but I don't want to hurt him. He's an incredible man and I love him so much, the last thing I want to do is hurt him but I feel like I'm dying inside continuing to live this life i'm living.
> 
> ...


I have no real useful advice for you, but I just wanted to say I feel like that a lot too. Every time I fill my car up with gas, I think about how far I could get in 320 miles and have this urge to just start driving. My H is not a bad guy, just doesn't seem to care and I feel single anyway. But I have too much tying my to this area where I live to ever try to leave, as much as I want to. I was molested as a child and my also have some PTSD, but am too paranoid to go to a counselor to find out. If you ever need somebody to talk to, please feel free to PM me.


----------



## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

If you have been diagnosed with PTSD you know running from it and ignoring it are not going tonmake go away.....neither will running or ignoring your other problems. We all have a natural "flee or take flight" reaction to things that confuse us or cause us to much stress or pain. You need to find that fighting spirit in yourself that says I want to fix this and get past it! Sometimes you can't fix it....somethings are lifetime battles, but you still have to find the spirit to keep fighting. If you love your husband and want the marriage ...then you have to push forward to figure it out. By the way anti deppressants are not addictive anymore...20 yrs ago they were not the new ones.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

LoveSong, you are in a very difficult place emotionally right now, and sometimes when we are in those kinds of places, it's scary to accept help. But, having been in difficult places before myself, I think you could use and benefit from help. I would really recommend going back to your therapist or finding another one. Remember, the therapist can't actually force you to take the meds if you don't want to, it's still ultimately your decision. But for the record, no, they're not addictive, and I don't see it as "replacing one problem with another." There's a big difference between a "drug" like cocaine or alcohol and an antidepressant -- the former just gives us a momentary escape, while the latter actually helps us to cope better with life.


----------



## scatty (Mar 15, 2013)

You sound like me when I am manic. I really think you should go to a psychiatrist (not a therapist) for an evaluation and maybe start an intensive outpatient day program for your anxiety and PTSD. I almost ruined my relationship several times and I got help before it got too late. I wish you the best!


----------



## TikiKeen (Oct 14, 2013)

Your story prompted me to create a profile here and respond:

I'll second what Scatty said. After running more than one relationship straight into the ground with the symptoms of my anxiety & PTSD, the only thing left for me to do was get help. Even then, my husband issued an ultimatum that he wouldn't marry me unless I sought help. I refused, too, based on lousy teen experiences. 

Everything you described is symptoms of untreated PTSD caused by sex abuse, by the book. Here is a more complete list:
impulsivity
inability to trust
decision-making problems
low self esteem
promiscuity or sex avoidance
shame
fear based living
huge abandonment issues
being in fight-or-flight for prolonged times
disordered eating
alcohol/drug abuse
rage
low-level ongoing irritability

Note: the DSM-V did not allow the diagnosis of Complex PTSD, which had been considered as a form of PTSD caused by ongoing trauma, such as torture, child abuse and child sex abuse. it doesn't mean the diagnosis of PTSD is wrong. It also doesn't mean victims don't seek help to cope with the awful coping skills we developed as a response to our trauma. It is an injury which can cause symptoms, and sometimes, mental illness too. Best discard any ideas of mental illness equaling 'crazy', because it's not always the case.

I'll venture to guess that you also feel a need to control circumstance both in and out of your marriage, that you have problems trusting, that you often feel that you didn't get a fair deal with life (or family relationships, marriage, education, jobs), that you must check surroundings in both new and familiar places, that friendships often require more energy than you might think you have...not all those might apply, but I bet many do.

You are in an untreated hypervigilant state. That's what you described, and it doesn't take a PhD or MD to see that.

If you continue to run, you will just keep running, and you will go with you every single place, every single time you run. it's not them; you are the common denominator.

At 5+ years into therapy for CSA (childhood sex abuse) and ASA (adult sex abuse) I can spot this a mile away. I see the same symptoms from both men and women here, and until you hrut badly enough, you'll stay in denial that you need help...and you won't get help.

Please seek out a therapist who specializes in CSA survivors, you deserve to thrive, not to simply survive. You deserve better than allowing the leftover feelings from the past to control you, and your husband does too. He is not them. You might not see him as a threat or an adversary, but you're putting him in that position with even the idea of running away. You're also raising your risk of high blood pressure, heart disease etc., by living in a vigilant state for a long period of time.


----------



## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

My only advice is do not worry about hurting your husband. Had my wife left me 15 years ago I would have been CRUSHED. But I would also have a better chance at being happy now. With a woman who really loves me. Instead, I'm an old fat bald guy with one kid in college and two more soon ready to enter. I'm done. 

Give your husband a second chance. Please. He doesn't know it right now but leaving him will be the greatest gift you can give him. Get on that bus. Leave him alone. You've done enough damage to his life.

These friggin' women who get married, and when life doesn't turn into the Neverland that they imagined, they check out. Flippin' epidemic and we're still not talking about it the right way.


----------



## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

Lovesong, 

Wherever you go, you will regret it. Your new life won't be what you think it is going to be. When you decide to start over from scratch, it isn't like the movies. It sucks. It is hard, it is lonely and it costly. You will want to come home in 4 months, 6 months a year..who knows but you will want to come home. When you get that new boyfriend and then another and then another...and you realize OMG I left my FREAKING HUSBAND for this garbage you are going to come crashing down even harder than you think you are crashing now. But guess what...your husband isn't going to be there any more. He will probably put himself back together and move on from you to someone who isn't so damned wrapped up in themselves. 

I have jumped on the bus and started over...A LOT and every time I did it, it got harder and harder and EVERY SINGLE TIME I went back and begged for things to go back to the way they were before. 

That city at the end of your bus trip has nothing and no one to offer you. Face your demons WITH YOUR HUSBAND!!!!


----------



## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

mace17 said:


> I have no real useful advice for you, but I just wanted to say I feel like that a lot too. Every time I fill my car up with gas, I think about how far I could get in 320 miles and have this urge to just start driving. My H is not a bad guy, just doesn't seem to care and I feel single anyway. But I have too much tying my to this area where I live to ever try to leave, as much as I want to. I was molested as a child and my also have some PTSD, but am too paranoid to go to a counselor to find out. If you ever need somebody to talk to, please feel free to PM me.


Thank you so much for reaching out! I COMPLETELY understand that paranoid feeling with therapist. Even though I went to one I still don't trust them and my therapist was pretty nice (shrugs). But I understood that the first step to recovery was learning what I was dealing with and so I went anyway. Even if that's all you do and you try to recover on your on I suggest going to a therapist to find out what your dealing with. 

Sorry about your past.  

Thanks again for reaching out to me! (((hugs!!!!!)))


----------



## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

mineforever said:


> If you have been diagnosed with PTSD you know running from it and ignoring it are not going tonmake go away.....neither will running or ignoring your other problems. We all have a natural "flee or take flight" reaction to things that confuse us or cause us to much stress or pain. You need to find that fighting spirit in yourself that says I want to fix this and get past it! Sometimes you can't fix it....somethings are lifetime battles, but you still have to find the spirit to keep fighting. If you love your husband and want the marriage ...then you have to push forward to figure it out. By the way anti deppressants are not addictive anymore...20 yrs ago they were not the new ones.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I know and understand that this new location will have the same triggers as they do here (except a few people). I can't change that. I feel like I'm in the habit of responding to my triggers here the wrong way and that they are harder to change because of my routine (I guess I associate this with my current location) and a new place will help me to respond differently if that makes any sense? I want to change my life up completely and in the process hope that helps me to respond to my triggers differently.


----------



## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

scatty said:


> You sound like me when I am manic. I really think you should go to a psychiatrist (not a therapist) for an evaluation and maybe start an intensive outpatient day program for your anxiety and PTSD. I almost ruined my relationship several times and I got help before it got too late. I wish you the best!


Are you speaking of manic depression? Are you implying that I'm bipolar? I'm just trying to understand what your talking about. 

Also I don't know if my therapist is/was a psychiatrist or not? I was kind of using therapist as a general term. I'll go find out.


----------



## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

MrK said:


> My only advice is do not worry about hurting your husband. Had my wife left me 15 years ago I would have been CRUSHED. But I would also have a better chance at being happy now. With a woman who really loves me. Instead, I'm an old fat bald guy with one kid in college and two more soon ready to enter. I'm done.
> 
> Give your husband a second chance. Please. He doesn't know it right now but leaving him will be the greatest gift you can give him. Get on that bus. Leave him alone. You've done enough damage to his life.
> 
> These friggin' women who get married, and when life doesn't turn into the Neverland that they imagined, they check out. Flippin' epidemic and we're still not talking about it the right way.


Thank you for having the courage to write this. I too agree she should do her husband a favor and leave so he can find somebody emotionally stable and not prone to "checking out" when the unicorn farts stop.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

Sanity said:


> Thank you for having the courage to write this. I too agree she should do her husband a favor and leave so he can find somebody emotionally stable and not prone to "checking out" when the unicorn farts stop.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_





MrK said:


> My only advice is do not worry about hurting your husband. Had my wife left me 15 years ago I would have been CRUSHED. But I would also have a better chance at being happy now. With a woman who really loves me. Instead, I'm an old fat bald guy with one kid in college and two more soon ready to enter. I'm done.
> 
> Give your husband a second chance. Please. He doesn't know it right now but leaving him will be the greatest gift you can give him. Get on that bus. Leave him alone. You've done enough damage to his life.
> 
> These friggin' women who get married, and when life doesn't turn into the Neverland that they imagined, they check out. Flippin' epidemic and we're still not talking about it the right way.


I've had this thought myself several times (that I should leave him to save him from myself) and have on several occasions discussed it with dear H. He has always said he doesn't care what I'm going through and in the end I came to the conclusion that he is an adult and if HE wants to leave me because I have so much **** going on with me than that is his decision to make. 

Also I read both of these posts to my husband and it sparked a discussion between us that ended with this 

"I love you unconditionally and I don't want you to leave just because your going through something right now. For better or worse, til death do us part. Besides they don't know your PTSD is something your going through it's not who your are." 
Husband


----------



## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Love Song said:


> "I love you unconditionally and I don't want you to leave just because your going through something right now. For better or worse, til death do us part. Besides they don't know your PTSD is something your going through it's not who your are."
> Husband


Poor misguided fool. Go ahead and take advantage of that sentiment. Print it out. So when you finally leave him when he's 50+ and his life falls apart and it's EXPONENTIALLY harder to start over, you can have a clear conscience. The only positive is that you'll be more miserable than him until it happens.

Good luck to both of you. You're in for a ride.


----------



## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Years ago I suffered debilitating panic attacks after a traumatic event. There were triggers all around me, but I realized soon enough that if I left one place, the next place would just have different triggers. I was lucky enough to find a good counselor who helped me understand the trauma, which eventually helped the panic. It all felt like a mid-life crisis, even though I was in my twenties. I've believed since then that the mid-life crisis comes from disruptive experience in life, not just the fact of middle age.

I think it would be a critical error on your part to leave your husband. Truly critical. I think it would be adding fuel to your fire & make things for you much worse. I hope you seriously rethink your plans to leave on the 1st. The solution is inside you and you risk irrevocably hurting the one person who truly loves you. You shouldn't risk that if you can help it.

I haven't suffered from this in many years. Good counseling is what ultimately helped me turn the corner. In the meantime, it took a lot of strength and there was a lot of fear and pain every day. If that's where you are now, I get it. All I can say is it can get better, much better.


----------



## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

If you love him so much, why don't you BOTH move out of state together?


----------



## wilderness (Jan 9, 2013)

Stay married. You promised your life to your husband and you have absolutely no good reason to leave. If you think you are unhappy now, just wait until you find yourself in a strange city with no money and no emotional support from anyone.


----------



## tdwal (Jul 28, 2012)

Go see a counselor, give up this feeling of not trusting them. If you had a bad one find another. I want to walk away from the responsibilities of my life everyday and believe me the older you get the harder it is to cope because you get more and more of them. Running away to somewhere else is not the answer because your issues are within you and they go with you. Get some help.


----------



## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

TikiKeen said:


> Your story prompted me to create a profile here and respond:
> 
> I'll second what Scatty said. After running more than one relationship straight into the ground with the symptoms of my anxiety & PTSD, the only thing left for me to do was get help. Even then, my husband issued an ultimatum that he wouldn't marry me unless I sought help. I refused, too, based on lousy teen experiences.
> 
> ...


Wow! Your the 2nd person whose done that in this thread. That sounds just like me to the T. I'm not going to confirm nor deny what happened to me. No one knows except my husband, the therapist, doctor and police officer. I don't talk about it. 

Thank you so much for reaching out. I really appreciate it.


----------



## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

Sorry it took me so long to respond I had to take care of some things. I'm seeing how much I can get rid of before the first and selling a bunch of things off. But I'm back now.


----------



## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

MrK said:


> Poor misguided fool. Go ahead and take advantage of that sentiment. Print it out. So when you finally leave him when he's 50+ and his life falls apart and it's EXPONENTIALLY harder to start over, you can have a clear conscience. The only positive is that you'll be more miserable than him until it happens.
> 
> Good luck to both of you. You're in for a ride.


I really dont know what to say to that. It's his choice who he wants to be with. I didn't put a gun to his head and force him to be with me. If you have anything more you want to say to him just PM him. He's not big on forums and hasn't been on here for a while but if you message him I think his account is like mine and he'll get an email. His name is Sir LOVE SONG he's under my friends list if you need help finding him.


----------



## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

alte Dame said:


> Years ago I suffered debilitating panic attacks after a traumatic event. There were triggers all around me, but I realized soon enough that if I left one place, the next place would just have different triggers. I was lucky enough to find a good counselor who helped me understand the trauma, which eventually helped the panic. It all felt like a mid-life crisis, even though I was in my twenties. I've believed since then that the mid-life crisis comes from disruptive experience in life, not just the fact of middle age.
> 
> I think it would be a critical error on your part to leave your husband. Truly critical. I think it would be adding fuel to your fire & make things for you much worse. I hope you seriously rethink your plans to leave on the 1st. The solution is inside you and you risk irrevocably hurting the one person who truly loves you. You shouldn't risk that if you can help it.
> 
> I haven't suffered from this in many years. Good counseling is what ultimately helped me turn the corner. In the meantime, it took a lot of strength and there was a lot of fear and pain every day. If that's where you are now, I get it. All I can say is it can get better, much better.


Thank you. I have hope. 



lisab0105 said:


> If you love him so much, why don't you BOTH move out of state together?


He can't really do that at the moment with his job.


----------



## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

I'm not sure that anyone here gets what I'm trying to do. If you guys knew how hopeless and afraid I feel every day...

I'm not saying I want to run away from my problems or that by moving to another city that will fix everything. I'm not that naive. What I'm saying is I want to get away from the things that I associate with my triggers and what happened to me. Sure I'll still have triggers in the new city but most of them will be left behind. I'm saying I want to give up everything I have at the moment; my things, social media accounts, and relationships for the chance at a new start and with some work hopefully a happier me.


----------



## TikiKeen (Oct 14, 2013)

It's your choice, but I stand by my earlier statements. I really think you're ducking and dodging your own fears, which will not be good traveling companions for you. 

Sometimes it comes down to "grow or go".


----------



## TikiKeen (Oct 14, 2013)

It's your choice, but I stand by my earlier statements. I really think you're ducking and dodging your own fears, which will not be good traveling companions for you. 

Sometimes it comes down to "grow or go".


----------



## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

You are in pain, confused, terrified, etc. What makes you think your own judgement is reliable? If you truly believe what you say about your husband, let him help you. If you move to some strange city to start over, you will lose what little support you currently have. 

Think about what is most likely to happen here. You travel to a distant city where you know no one, have little money and no job. You are already depressed and filled with anxiety. Do you have any idea what kind of trigger it will be to have no way to support yourself? You will be. Ore vulnerable than you have ever been. There will be no shortage of nefarious characters who will be more than willing to take advantage of you. 

I'll say it again. Your emotional state is seriously affecting your judgement. Don't trust it. You need help. Go get it.


----------



## Forever Me (May 20, 2013)

I don't have a traumatic past, or anything to run FROM. But somedays I just want to run away from home and start a new life. When I break down the things that drive me crazy, they are just little dumb things. Small annoying habits, small fights or things that I should have gotten over, but I still just want to walk away some days. I sometimes think that even though I love my husband, I might be better off alone. But at the same time I think one of the problems is that he doesn't make me want to be a better person. I ask myself, couldn't I start over WITH him. In the same house. Ignore that he is lazy and pick myself up and start myself over? Maybe he would fall into line. But I feel like it would just be easier alone. When I see him lazy, I just want to be lazy too. All these things make me feel dumb, shallow, weak, and I wish I could pick up and start over somewhere else. I just want to run. Maybe mine is a midlife crisis. Maybe it is for smaller reasons than you have. But yes, there is someone else here who sometimes just wants to run away and start over. And I really DO feel like I still love my husband, even though sometimes I am not sure I like him.


----------



## mace17 (Jul 12, 2013)

Forever Me said:


> I don't have a traumatic past, or anything to run FROM. But somedays I just want to run away from home and start a new life. When I break down the things that drive me crazy, they are just little dumb things. Small annoying habits, small fights or things that I should have gotten over, but I still just want to walk away some days. I sometimes think that even though I love my husband, I might be better off alone. But at the same time I think one of the problems is that he doesn't make me want to be a better person. I ask myself, couldn't I start over WITH him. In the same house. Ignore that he is lazy and pick myself up and start myself over? Maybe he would fall into line. But I feel like it would just be easier alone. When I see him lazy, I just want to be lazy too. All these things make me feel dumb, shallow, weak, and I wish I could pick up and start over somewhere else. I just want to run. Maybe mine is a midlife crisis. Maybe it is for smaller reasons than you have. But yes, there is someone else here who sometimes just wants to run away and start over. And I really DO feel like I still love my husband, even though sometimes I am not sure I like him.


I can relate to a lot of what you said. For several years now I've thought that even though I love my husband I just really would rather be alone. It's exhausting to take care if a family plus think of how to deal with and take care of a grown man. And I often wish I could run away from everything too. He also is lazy, and I sometimes feel like I am becoming more that way myself, or I'm just getting depressed and that's dragging me down. I really don't know. But I just keep going one day at a time because that's all I know how to do.


----------

