# No sex...have two kids...???



## Theshadow (Aug 23, 2012)

Hi all, 
My wife and i have two kids, one just turned 4 and the other is 7 months. Sex is pretty non-existent in our marriage, and it doesn't seem to be a concern for my wife. 

Our days are pretty darn busy with the two of them, and my wife spends a lot of time up with our 7 month old as he is not a good sleeper. She would rather sleep than have sex. Now, don't get me wrong, I help as much as I can getting up, doing housework, etc, anything to help out and make life easier for her.

When I bring up sex, she told me that if I keep bugging her about it and getting pissed about it, she will resent me. Sex is definitely not good for anyone when begged for or if you get pissed about it. I do other things (but definitiely not affairs )to satisfy myself.

That being said, what do I need to do or say? How long do I have to wait for sex? Will she ever initiate again?

Don't want to seem like a crybaby, but sex is so important in a marriage...don't want to get stuck in a sexless one!

Any thoughts from the women on here? Need advice on what to do!


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## ocalawifeivory (Aug 27, 2012)

I assume you are trying to inniate sometimes right? Maybe you can hire a baby sitter for a night, take her away from the house, out to dinner, out of the house to a hotel and try just being truly romantic and catering to her needs.

Maybe she just needs to step away from the everyday hectic life and breathe and then she can relax and feel more sexual.


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

If you only knew how common your story is.... I'd tell you how long I went completely without were it not so embarrasing.

Set up some alone time for the two of you. A weekend away. Anything. Something. And do it now, before it's too late. And do it regularly.


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## 40isthenew20 (Jul 12, 2012)

My kids are a lot older than yours and I've had the same complaint since the first one was born. It's something you may have to deal with and hopefully she is not as LD as my wife and many other wives on here and comes around eventually. If not, order a Fleshlight.


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## StatusQuo (Jun 4, 2012)

Is she breastfeeding? Does she work outside the home?


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## kl84 (Jan 26, 2012)

Idk if your wife may have the same problems I did but I recently started a thread about why I wasn't exactly interested. I am a SAHM to three, with one due in November. Here's a rundown of what was happening with me, maybe your wife can relate.

After handling kids and housework all day, I hardly felt sexy. It wasn't even on my mind. I know there are a lot of women out there who have no problem going from mom duties to having sex with their husband. I wasn't one of those women. My husband would simply roll over and ask me for sex and I just couldn't get into it on a whim. I would tell him I am either too tired, back hurts, headache, nauseous, or just don't feel like it. Sex seemed like too much mental effort for me and I just didn't have it in me. I was not only physically exhausted but mentally exhausted as well. Hubs wasn't flirting with me during the day, wasn't making passes at me, doing nothing to turn me on. No racy text messages, no whispering anything in my ear, nothing. I couldn't just rip my clothes off and get into it. 

Hubs also never talked to me about how it was an issue for him so I assumed that since I was ok, he should be ok too. I did, however, notice he was really on edge most of the time. We were getting in little arguments here and there. He had an attitude and it was really bothering me. So I thought, maybe he's just sexually frustrated. I started to reflect within and question, "Why can't I just get in the mood? what's wrong with me?".....Then I found this forum and read all the posts from guys such as yourself and thought of how awful I would feel if my husband felt the way most other men felt. I didn't want him to feel awful..... We had a talk. I told him what I needed, he told me what he needed, and we're both working on solving the no-sex problem.

My suggestion is to talk to your wife about it. I know it's not easy for men to express themselves sometimes, but she REALLY needs to *know* how it makes you feel. You can't just make light out of it or she won't take you seriously. You need to get a little vulnerable and express how truly awful it makes you feel. Ask her what you can do to help her get in the mood. It could be something so simple you would kick yourself for not speaking up sooner. Don't talk about it when you are trying to get sex out of her. When the kids go to bed one night, tell her you need to sit down and talk, then tell her how you feel.


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## Dharma (Aug 28, 2012)

Firstly, you are not alone! Secondly, and I stand to be corrected but am discussing from relevant experience, generally speaking, men want sex and women want babies. This is the biological standpoint. I am in a similar situation to you, except the ages are 27 months and 2 months. For me, there has been little sex in the 27 months, aside that necessary to create a second child (which didn't take long).
I love my partner, she is a wonderful person and I respect her hugely. But being denied sex is like total rejection. I have virtually given up and feel quite resentful.
The wonderful Mars and Venus book describes what men need (it is very simple) but the book is written by a man for women to give to their men. They expect their men to digest all the intricacies but has one woman ever read and understood how to look after their man? Maybe, but from my standpoint it's not looking good.
Despite loving my partner hugely (can't live with her, can't live without) I am considering leaving her, as the situation is causing me psychological and physical health problems.
if I do leave, I will give her all my income and live in a hovel. I may as well find a shag on the side, but I 100% do not want this. I've depressed myself writing this. Possibly no hope for me. Hopefully you will fare better. good luck.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> 7 month old as he is not a good sleeper. She would rather sleep than have sex.


A lot of people would thats not a defect..


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## Dharma (Aug 28, 2012)

The point I make is that a lot of people sleep AND have sex. And a lot of people give up work, get looked after financially, get the kids they want, visit their friends every day, go to health clubs, go swimming, sleep some, and still don't have sex because they're too tired.


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## kl84 (Jan 26, 2012)

Dharma said:


> Firstly, you are not alone! Secondly, and I stand to be corrected but am discussing from relevant experience, generally speaking, men want sex and women want babies. This is the biological standpoint. I am in a similar situation to you, except the ages are 27 months and 2 months. For me, there has been little sex in the 27 months, aside that necessary to create a second child (which didn't take long).
> I love my partner, she is a wonderful person and I respect her hugely. But being denied sex is like total rejection. I have virtually given up and feel quite resentful.
> The wonderful Mars and Venus book describes what men need (it is very simple) but the book is written by a man for women to give to their men. They expect their men to digest all the intricacies but has one woman ever read and understood how to look after their man? Maybe, but from my standpoint it's not looking good.
> Despite loving my partner hugely (can't live with her, can't live without) I am considering leaving her, as the situation is causing me psychological and physical health problems.
> if I do leave, I will give her all my income and live in a hovel. I may as well find a shag on the side, but I 100% do not want this. I've depressed myself writing this. Possibly no hope for me. Hopefully you will fare better. good luck.


Sorry for what you are going through......but that's not entirely true. Maybe in your wife's case..... I denied my husband sex for a while..... like it hasn't been right for the past 2 years. I thought I just lost interest in sex altogether. He ALWAYS initiated and I always wanted to just get it over with. After really thinking long and hard about it, I realized I really DO want sex, just not the way it's been going down. I had sexual needs that were not being met and I didn't even realize it. Since my husband and I had our talk we can't keep our hands off each other. Seriously, two years, I haven't been feeling it, then all of a sudden I find myself going down on him last night while he watched a flick.....TOTALLY my idea. He was so nervous about it he thought I was setting him up, that's how *not* into sex I have been lately. He doesn't even know how to process my sudden increase in desire to be with him sexually. It was only after I figured out what the problem was, and then REALLY talked about it and felt he truly listened and wanted to help, that things have started to change. This is very, very recent for us but I have all faith that it will continue. Now I am looking forward to have this baby and get in shape so we can have even *better* sex..... So this is coming from a woman who constantly shot her man down for 2 years. There were a couple times we went months with no sex. We were starting to average about once every two to three weeks. Now, I want it like every night. No coercion from him.....


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

[QUOTEWhen I bring up sex, she told me that if I keep bugging her about it and getting pissed about it, she will resent me.][/QUOTE]

This is true ..NORMAL good sex isnt like what you see in porn.YOu need to WAIT//

My husband "pressurd me " and that backfired in his face..to this day I think he cares more about himself than me..And I "expect" to be married for 50 or 60 years..Its been 24..

If not Oh well..I WILL have sex with another man..

Thats the thing you DROP the woman that had your children "?If she is say 60 or younger she will be ****ing someone else..women arent "unichs"...

If you cant wait for her..she will find someone else to pick up the slack and pleasure her..

Skip hop and jump..Hope that works for you...


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## StatusQuo (Jun 4, 2012)

Being a mom and a wife/lover is a tricky balancing act. I was very much like kl84, especially when my youngest was smaller and not sleeping through the night. It was really hard for me to get in the mood. 

I felt like everyone wanted a piece of me. The pre-schooler was dealing with jealousy over her little brother, the baby was nursing and up half the night, I was working full-time, and hubby was whining because I wasn't putting out enough to meet his demands. I was exhausted mentally, and physically. I felt as though by having to meet everyone's demands I was losing myself. Hubby was the easiest to put off, so sex went downhill. The baby NEEDED me to survive, the pre-schooler NEEDED the attention, I HAD to succeed in my job to pay the increased bills. 

Hubby helped out with household duties, but all of the care for the children fell on my shoulders (and still does for the most part). I so desperatly wanted/needed time to myself, time to be me and not be mommy for a little while. Time to unwind from the day without someone demanding a piece of me. Sex was the last thing on my mind. I felt guilty for feeling that way, and that guilt spiral was hard to get out of.

I'm not saying I was "right" for wanting that, and denying intimacy with my husband, but that was how I was feeling. Once the baby was sleeping through the night, and weaned, it was easier to connect with my husband again on that level. I attribute some of it to the fact that breastfeeding has weird affects on hormone production, as well as the fact that I was getting more sleep.

I suggest talking to your wife, not when you are wanting sex, but at a quiet time when you are just spending time together. Ask her what she needs from you in order to regain that intimacy again. Explain to her how you are feeling, and what you need from her.


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## Theshadow (Aug 23, 2012)

She isn't breast feeding, and she's been off on maternity leave for about a year now. She once told me that she just needed some time without someone asking her something or having to carry someone around. 

Sex was hot with us but tapered off after the first was born, 4 years ago.

I thought I could just be as upbeat as possible around the house, give her a massage in a non-erotic way (no ass grabbing, etc), talk and connect with her, and schedule some 'us' time whether we go out or not, like a glass of wine, etc. after the kids go to bed and complement her on how beautiful she looks...

I guess it's a start...what else should I do?


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Dude,

You have a 7 month old that doesn't sleep. Cut her some slack unless you're the one up all night with the kid! I hope you are at least getting up on the weekends with the non sleeper so she can get some much needed rest

You're right about sex being important in marriage though. I would give her a pass for at least the next 4 or 5 months until the little whipper snapper is sleeping through the night

Right now your wife is in mommy mode. Did this same thing happen with your first one? Don't forget, now she's got twice the work here!


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

You have to create a marriage where spending time as a couple is included. Don't pout and beg her for sex.

It's about creating a marriage and a family and setting things up so that all 4 people have their needs met. This is not your wife's responsibility, it is yours.


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## Dharma (Aug 28, 2012)

Thanks. it's helpful to have your perspective. My partner and I are two communicators. However when I discuss this issue, it is a monologue and she closes down. She will say that she needs me to be attentive to her for days on end, but when I do this, it ends up with 5 mins of passive sex maybe once every 2 weeks. this is very different to just 27+ months ago, when we had fun together, not just sex, but all sorts of other things whem we were enjoying each other's company. But now the balance is wrong. By the way, I do love her, and our two children. Our oldest adores me, and this keeps us all together.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

dallasapple said:


> [QUOTEWhen I bring up sex, she told me that if I keep bugging her about it and getting pissed about it, she will resent me.]
> 
> This is true ..NORMAL good sex isnt like what you see in porn.YOu need to WAIT//
> 
> ...


Just have to say I have no idea what this post means. It does not really address anything, other than to say the poster should be quiet and stew in his resentment, because she can fidn someone else. I disagree.

To the OP - get your wife out of the house and away from the baby. Both by herself (or with friends) and with you. Also remind her that the best gift she can give to her children is a mom and dad who love each other. Let her know that you feel disconnected physically and mentally and want to change that. Find out what she needs and what she expects from the marriage.

Finally, hold both of you accountable. Work on meeting her needs but make sure she is working to do the same.


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## StatusQuo (Jun 4, 2012)

Theshadow said:


> She once told me that she just needed some time without someone asking her something or having to carry someone around.



EXACTLY!!!  I can completely relate to this!! Do you have any family near you, or trusted friends that could take the kiddos for an afternoon/day on the weekend? A night out with you would be great for the two of you, but what your wife is "crying" for is some time to herself. 

A few hours to herself on a regular basis would do wonders for her, and for your marriage.

I have a 4 year old, and 21 month old. Now that the baby sleeps through the night, and they both go to bed at a reasonable hour, I get that alone time in the evenings. I feel like a whole new person when I have a chance to do things by myself and for myself. 

It's so hard when you want to be the best parent in the world, and want to do everything for your children, you end up forsaking yourself.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

OP is a good candidate for a 180. Your wife treats you this way because she's getting away with it. Your solution is to give her a massage? Um, no.


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## StatusQuo (Jun 4, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> OP is a good candidate for a 180. Your wife treats you this way because she's getting away with it. Your solution is to give her a massage? Um, no.


As much as I think you're a cool guy, WorkingOnMe, I have to disagree with this.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Well, he can certainly try the things that have been suggested so far. I agree that they'll make his wife happier. I can't recall too many instances where men have reported back that this kind of thing actually increased their sex life, but perhaps OP is the exception.


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## StatusQuo (Jun 4, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Well, he can certainly try the things that have been suggested so far. I agree that they'll make his wife happier. I can't recall too many instances where men have reported back that this kind of thing actually increased their sex life, but perhaps OP is the exception.


Wanna take this outside?!?! 

I can tell you that it would have worked for me! She's not a wayward, I don't think 180 is the way to go. She's already told him that she needs time to herself, if he can grant her that, it will save her sanity a little bit. He needs to explain to her what he needs as well. If she's not willing to work on that, then perhaps 180 is correct, without having that conversation with her he can't determine is she's willing to try.


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

Firstly, a happy sex life for both of you is something that continuously will require effort. As long as life is busy and unpredictable, every couple will need to sort through the little and big issues that arise to continue to have a healthy, happy sex life. I can tell you that even when a husband and wife has a good relationship, sex is still an effort sometimes. 

That said, I think something that would go a long way with your wife is a nice getaway for a night or a weekend, away from the kids and the stress of what they entail. That could show her that you recognize all she does in the home, you appreciate it, and you're willing to help her relax as well. This could go a long way for your wife.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Well, he can certainly try the things that have been suggested so far. I agree that they'll make his wife happier. I can't recall too many instances where men have reported back that this kind of thing actually increased their sex life, but perhaps OP is the exception.


It worked for me, but note I also required accountability. My wife needed to own her issues and make an effort.

Perhaps the key moment was a couple months after an initial talk where we laid out our issues. I worked on mine, which included not being around in the evenings to talk. I worked on that, getting up and going into work earlier so that I could get home earlier, as well as putting off some work until after she went to bed so that we could have some time together in the evenings. Hadn't gotten much from her at that point, nor any real acknowledgement of the effort I made, but I was trying to be patient.

So one evening, I had to stay at work late for the first time in about 2 months. I had let her know ahead of time, but by shifting some things to the next morning, I was able to get home earlier than planned. I walked in, and her first comments was "Dang it, I just put the baby down and was looking forward to some down time." I looked right at her, told her not to worry, I won't say a word, and went straight into my home office to work. 

I turned the temperature down that week, which caused her to want another discussion about the issues. I made it clear that I thought I was making a real effort (she agreed) and that I saw little on her end other than complaints (she grudgingly agreed). After that, I did see some effort, which made it easier for me to work on it and vice versa. It created a good positive feedback loop.

It can work, but the poster needs to pay attention and hold his wife accountable. It is both their problems. He needs to try some different things, but he needs to see an effort on her part as well.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

StatusQuo said:


> Wanna take this outside?!?!
> 
> I can tell you that it would have worked for me! She's not a wayward, I don't think 180 is the way to go. She's already told him that she needs time to herself, if he can grant her that, it will save her sanity a little bit. He needs to explain to her what he needs as well. If she's not willing to work on that, then perhaps 180 is correct, without having that conversation with her he can't determine is she's willing to try.


Not to be like a broken record, but only when there is accountability. Some women will take advantage of that time to recharge to go back to being a mother, rather than to being wife. This tact can work as long as the OP makes sure his wife is putting in the effort as well.


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## StatusQuo (Jun 4, 2012)

Tall Average Guy said:


> Not to be like a broken record, but only when there is accountability. Some women will take advantage of that time to recharge to go back to being a mother, rather than to being wife. This tact can work as long as the OP makes sure his wife is putting in the effort as well.


Agreed!


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## kl84 (Jan 26, 2012)

Tall Average Guy said:


> Not to be like a broken record, but only when there is accountability. Some women will take advantage of that time to recharge to go back to being a mother, rather than to being wife. This tact can work as long as the OP makes sure his wife is putting in the effort as well.


I agree. I never get time to myself and I have three, one of which has special needs and requires a lot of attention. As much as I would love time to myself, I don't think that would have solved my problem at all. A short burst of time to yourself is like a tease and doesn't really help much. It definitely wouldn't have made me more interested in sex. 

OP- have you tried to really spice things up? Do something totally spontaneous? Remind her of the passion that was there when the two of you met? Send her brief messages during the day telling her how sexy she is, how even after two kids she's still got it. Make her feel like what she does for her family is noticed. Touch her more often through out the day without intentions of it leading to sex. Kiss her unexpectedly. Take the kids out for a walk and let her enjoy a bubble bath. Bring home a new sex toy/lotion/whatever..... She could have stopped looking at you as a lover. I know that's what I did with my husband. He works, he provides. I clean, cook, take care of the kids. We're parents. Life became sort of dull. There was no spark between us. He'd sit on his laptop and I would sit on mine.......for hours, in the same room, never giving each other our total attention. It's so easy to get caught up in "family life" and neglect "married life". There needs to be some separation between the two once in a while. Rather than looking at my husband as a dad and provider, I wanted to look at him how I did when we first met. I wanted to see me as something other than a mom and homemaker. I needed to "mentally get away" once in a while.....even if only for a brief moment.....just to feel sexy again..... when you are changing diapers and cleaning up puke all day, you hardly feel sexy. My husband helps out a lot. He pitches in with housework, gives me breaks when I need them, etc. But that's not the solution to no sex. There has to be more intimacy, more anticipation built up during the day......


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

Shadow, there is a book called 'Married mans sex life' it's not a sex manual, more a guide on how to be a man for your woman.
I'm not sure if it would be applicable in your case but I don't think it would hurt to read it.

It sounds to me as though your wife is just plain frazzled. Whereas you would probably still feel like sex if your leg was hanging off it's generally more complicated for women.

She could even be feeling as though she has three kids at the moment as she is unable to see you 'sexually'

I know you mention that you help out around the house but if you aren't feeling too tired after work is there a park nearby or somewhere too take the kids for a walk?

Wanting to sleep all the time may 'just' be that she is tired with looking after the children.

One of the other possibilities is (and I'm no doctor) that she is suffering with some kind of post natal depression.. I believe that one of the syptoms is tiredness.

If nothing else seems to work it might be an idea to suggest a trip to the doctor.


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## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

On average, it takes a woman's body a year to get back to normal. Hormones from pregnancy, carrying a child for 9 months, labor and delivery, and now taking care of a baby and a toddler. She should go back to the doctor, maybe get a hormone check, she could possibly have PPD. She's probably just tired, the entire process takes a lot out of some women. She needs to make sure she's eating right to recoup the vitamins and minerals her body gave to your child. Plus a 7 month old who doesn't sleep well, does the baby have some sort of medical issues? Could you guys try CIO (cry it out) for a couple of nights? I had to finally do that for my twins because they sucked at sleeping too and I wanted my nights back.

I also agree with whomever said to get someone to watch the kids and take her away for a weekend. It's easier to be more sexual when you're not worried about kids waking up and mommy mode can relax a bit (make sure it's someone you know and trust so she isn't worried about how well cared for your kids are). And simply just talk to her about it. Is she open to talking? Does she shut you down when you're voicing concern about things?


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## moco82 (Jul 16, 2012)

Should've thought about that before marriage and kids.


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## Theshadow (Aug 23, 2012)

moco82 said:


> Should've thought about that before marriage and kids.


Quite possibly the worst advice I have ever heard. You have sex often do you?


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## Theshadow (Aug 23, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> OP is a good candidate for a 180. Your wife treats you this way because she's getting away with it. Your solution is to give her a massage? Um, no.


Again, totally useless advice.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Whatever. I've actually been in your situation and successfully turned it around. But since you already know all the answers I'll just wish you good luck.

:rofl:


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

You had a second child without directly and honestly addressing this. That sent a very strong message you were ok with having your needs deprioritized. 

It is possible you are a great H. The thing is being a great H, and being TREATED like a great H are sometimes two completely different things. 

I do think a direct conversation will help you. Be nice about it, but not weak. Something like: 

I know you are not feeling desire. And that is very common after a baby. It is also true that you could feel that way for a long time. The healthy way to deal with this is for us to find a way to connect, that feels good for you. 

Generally the way that works is some type of non-sexual touch, that becomes slowly and gradually more sexual so she gets aroused before you are touching spots that feel BAD when they get touched too soon. 

This also means your W has to care enough about you to relax and let you get her turned on. 






Theshadow said:


> She isn't breast feeding, and she's been off on maternity leave for about a year now. She once told me that she just needed some time without someone asking her something or having to carry someone around.
> 
> Sex was hot with us but tapered off after the first was born, 4 years ago.
> 
> ...


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

TheShadow, welcome to TAM.

First off I think you have gotten pretty good advice so far.

Is there any chance of sexual abuse or assault in her history? How about other types of abuse such as an alcoholic parent etc?

You might benefit from reading No More Mr. Nice Guy and/or The Way of the Superior Man.

Your questions sound very much like "What can I do to get her to give me more sex?", and that is the wrong question. The sex is not the root of the problem, it is only the symptom of other issues. Work on the other issues and the sex will improve.

In addition to what others have offered, there may be some philosophical beliefs at play here. She may think that the kids are the #1 priority in the family. Because of their young ages they do need extra attention and time. But the marriage relationship is the foundation of the family, and from the bounty of the marriage flows everything else to the family. If you two become mere room mates the family will flounder.

IOW you both need to make the marriage relationship the primary focus. The kids may get more time while they are small, but your wife must prioritize the marriage. Dates, quiet time, and common activities are critical. And your wife has to commit to the marriage, not just look at it as one more obligation or chore. As long as she prioritizes the children she is de-prioritizing the marriage. This is kind of subtle but it is important.

You have to evaluate your views on sex. Getting rejected does hurt and it is personal. But sex is not love, so a rejection is not a statement of lack of love. The chapter on sex moratorium in No More Mr. Nice Guy might fit your situation, something like 1 month might work.

Your wife needs some breathing room with the little kids, but she also has to be held accountable for the marriage. She has to find a way to enthusiastically engage in all aspects of the marriage.


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## kl84 (Jan 26, 2012)

Thor said:


> TheShadow, welcome to TAM.
> 
> First off I think you have gotten pretty good advice so far.
> 
> ...


Very well said!


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## Theshadow (Aug 23, 2012)

Ok, well, it may not be as bad as it seems. Our little guy was born Jan. 17. He weighed in at almost 10 lbs. We have had sex 3 times since then, after she had a couple months of recovery time. Still, not ideal. But I did buy her a vibrator which she was ok with and we used it together one of these times. So she is open to things...maybe needs time to be more of a woman then a mommy. She definitely has NO history of abuse or alcoholic parents, etc. She's a high school teacher, and She's the kind of person who just puts 100% into everything.

I just get scared with the lack of sex. I'll give her time and do the best I can and see how she responds...


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Thor said:


> In addition to what others have offered, there may be some philosophical beliefs at play here. She may think that the kids are the #1 priority in the family. Because of their young ages they do need extra attention and time. But the marriage relationship is the foundation of the family, and from the bounty of the marriage flows everything else to the family. If you two become mere room mates the family will flounder.
> 
> IOW you both need to make the marriage relationship the primary focus. The kids may get more time while they are small, but your wife must prioritize the marriage. Dates, quiet time, and common activities are critical. And your wife has to commit to the marriage, not just look at it as one more obligation or chore. As long as she prioritizes the children she is de-prioritizing the marriage. This is kind of subtle but it is important.
> 
> You have to evaluate your views on sex. Getting rejected does hurt and it is personal. But sex is not love, so a rejection is not a statement of lack of love. The chapter on sex moratorium in No More Mr. Nice Guy might fit your situation, something like 1 month might work.


Very true. This might be a good time to have a foundational discussion on what she sees as your respective roles as parents and spouses. If you cannot agree on basic concepts like the essentialness of sex in marriage, no amount of quibbling over the specific acts and frequency will help.

Also agree on evaluating your reasons for wanting more sex; the specific frequency does not matter so much. If you are using sex to validate you because you are feeling low or insecure, that's bad. But if you legitimately get the biological urge 3x a week, that is fine.

Some folks would say that once you feel secure in yourself and don't heighten your sex drive with external stimulation (i.e. porn) your sex need should be fairly low. I disagree - it is still possible to legitimately need frequent sex to feel good.


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## stuckmick (Dec 10, 2011)

Same boat as you, kids nearly the same age, except now she become a WAW and we are probably heading for divorce. Probably too late for me , but do whatever you can.....nothing is trivial......
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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