# Beating myself up...



## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

I can't help but beat myself up with questions... I do it on a daily basis.

D-Day was 10 1/2 months ago and I go over it all constantly in my head. My W risked everything; health insurance, dental, stability, security, LOVE, our 7 1/2 year relationship, family, friends, herself, and I'm sure a lot more! Thats all I could really throw out off the top of my head right now because my mind is still racing at lightspeed. My W risked it all for 3 guys, all of them being a bunch of low-lives, or at least what I consider to be low-lives.

OM1 is an alcoholic and pot head who has claimed bankruptcy. I don't even know how this guy could even use his phone to talk to her because he apparently couldn't pay any of his bills, though I guess it goes to show what his priorities are. The guy owned things he couldn't afford and flaunted them as a status symbol or something. He was ****y as all hell and thought he was just the greatest person to ever walk the planet.

OM2 is an alcoholic and pot head as well as a compulsive liar who has 3 kids and couldn't afford to even pay for a car just to take him to and from work let alone pay to fix a car if it had minor problems. He also has annihilated his own credit and couldn't pay any of his bills on time yet he managed to always be able to go to the bar and fill himself full of liquor. Another great example of priorities. Also, he managed to score with his other friends wife and bragged about it. He constantly talks sh!t about his "friends" behind their backs.

OM3 Well truthfully, I don't know this guy at all, he was her co-worker, but what I do know is that he used his time off to hangout at their work and consume a bunch of alcohol and then drive himself home. Also as far as I've been told he had a girl friend yet he was texting my wife between the hours of 9pm-4am and had some phone calls with her around midnight which just goes to show how loyal he is and shows his true character.

I guess it would be a totally different story if she had upgraded, but she had completely downgraded! Now I don't mean to sound like arrogant or conceited @$$hole, I really am nothing but humble about what I've accomplished in my young life. I am humble because I had a terrible childhood filled with substance abuse (alcohol and prescription drugs) as well as physical and mental abuse. Statistically speaking I shouldn't be in the position I am today, I've had a lot working against me. I've chaulked everything up to luck. I am so incredibly lucky to be in the position I am in (well besides this whole EA deal).

I never graduated high school, though I did get a GED. I joined the national guard at 19 years old and was a vet at the age of 21. I've pretty much paid cash for everything I have had and I have worked for everything I own. I haven't had things handed down to me, I was never given a car at 16 years old, I didn't even get my drivers license till I was 18 because I knew there was no point in having one because I couldn't use it.

I've worked sh!t jobs for sh!t pay and made the best of it. I get a long with everyone and I'm a very loyal and respectful person. At 23 years old, by the grace of whatever higher power being you beleive in I landed a really great job as a contractor on a government installation in the IT field (which I absolutely love) making very good money. I have health insurance through TriCare which has been really great insurance. I pay all of our bills and I like to think I am a great provider. 

I've got a bunch of really good friends that I know I can count on at any point in time and I have good relationship with my mom, brother and sister as well as her husband and my nephews.

I am 25 years old now, I've had a lot of depression issues that I have finally addressed and come to terms with them, but who wouldn't considering the things I've gone through and the things most people have gone through. I am only human, I have made my fair share of mistakes but I've only tried to learn from them so I can move forward as to not repeat them again.

I don't usually talk about myself in this manner, I don't want to jinx anything and I am incredibly humble and thankful for everyone and everything in my life. I know that I have to work really hard to stay where I am at and that I more than likely won't be here forever. I will one day be searching for jobs again and hoping that I can make at least enough to survive.

With all that said, I can't help but ask myself, if she was willing to risk everything and was willing to throw it all away for these "men", what does that say about me? It has to say something about me as well, right?


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

In an affair the tendency of waywards is to downgrade, don't beat yourself up over it . It s often the nice guy they want to keep at home while they play with exciting trash outside . Even former waywards often can't explain why they chose the type of person to have an affair with .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Forsaken said:


> With all that said, I can't help but ask myself, if she was willing to risk everything and was willing to throw it all away for these "men", what does that say about me? It has to say something about me as well, right?


That haunting question may be the worst thing about all of this crap. I wish I knew the answer. I ask myself that often.


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## maudite (Aug 29, 2011)

It doesn't say anything about you. You sound like you have your head on straight and are taking your life in the right direction. It sound to me like she never grew up which is why she went to the low lives, the guys who had nothing to offer but drinking and pot. Maybe she wasn't ready to let those things go yet. Wasn't ready for the responsibilities of life.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

They always affair down. The fact she cheated on you with losers is very typical.

I'm guessing she is in her 20s like you. Women that young don't value security that much and are attracted to drama and need almost constant stimuli. In other words they get bored easily. Not only that, she may be feeling she is missing out being married at a prime dating age. Men don’t get crazy like that until we get older. 

My guess is she did it because she was bored and immature. Losers are easy because they have low expectations (they don't mind sleeping with married people). Most respectable men would turn her away.


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## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

Forsaken said:


> *I can't help but beat myself up with questions... I do it on a daily basis.*
> 
> *D-Day was 10 1/2 months ago*
> 
> ...



10.5 months ago. Although this may seem like long time, it is not when considering post-affair healing. These things can take years...2-5 on average. So don't worry to much about it..it's normal. A LOT of it has do do with how your spouse is helping and or hindering the recovery process.

It would not be a different story if she "upgraded." Stop slapping yourself across the face. You seem to be a humble, hardworking, self-dependent guy....you can't upgrade from that.

Her willingness to risk everything says NOTHING about you. It does, however, say a whole lot about her. You own no part of her decisions...they are hers alone. Self doubt is just one of the many issues that arise from the ashes of betrayal, I would be surprised if anyone skips this part when dealing with post-affair trauma. I my case, I asked the same questions of myself for months on end. In time I realized, there was nothing I could have done to prevent it. I am my own man and there was no need for comparison with anyone. In time you will realize the same thing. Be patient with yourself.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

Are you saying that she had unprotected sex with three different low life guys and put your health at risk for STD's? If this is the case then the both of you immediately should be tested. If this is indeed the case then why would you want to stay with someone like this? If the roles were reversed do you think she would be so accepting as you have been? Having sex with three different men indicates that she has no respect for you whatsoever. If you do not respect yourself then who will?


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## Soccerfan73 (Jul 30, 2011)

The difficult part about all of this is that you'll never really know why she did what she did. 

The thing you need to remember is that you could have been literally perfect in everything you did, and she still would have done it. 

So it really isn't something that has an easy answer. There just isn't a way to control what others do, no matter how difficult it is to deal with their actions.


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## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

@Maudite - I think it's safe to say that I've got my head on straight, well as straight as you can keep your head on at a time like this. I'm just trying to grow up and leave all the dumb high school drama out of my life, but it somehow manages to find me.

@Bryan - No, as far as I've come to understand they were all EAs, though I have had a lot of doubts because of all the lying that has ensued from the whole thing.

I guess the general consensus is the old saying "nice guys finish last"? I guess it makes sense, I mean most of the time when a man cheats on a woman its with some sleezy broad like a stripper, prostitute, or the town bicycle or something. I guess people just find shady characters appealing because they expect to not really get anything out of the relationship? Just a risky, or thrill of sorts?

I guess I still just over analyze everything...


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Having been in one form of IT or another my whole career I can safely say that it often puts a challenge on marriages unless you happen to just be in a particularly good situation.

Meeting a wife's needs while being in IT can be tough for a number of reasons. Long hours, on-call, focus on geeky things, change windows, deadlines, travel and so on. I have spent a large number of holidays in my career working because that is when others would let us have access to make changes.

Are you having any of these issues?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I would like to validates Juans point with my WW own experience. It is the low life that when informed that she was married they continued on with the hunt. On occasion a few men would walk away, but most would not.

In her words they had to be "buff" who cares what they had going for them.


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## Soccerfan73 (Jul 30, 2011)

Forsaken said:


> I guess the general consensus is the old saying "nice guys finish last"? I guess it makes sense, I mean most of the time when a man cheats on a woman its with some sleezy broad like a stripper, prostitute, or the town bicycle or something. I guess people just find shady characters appealing because they expect to not really get anything out of the relationship? Just a risky, or thrill of sorts?


A lot of people are addicted to drama. Reality doesn't set in until things are beyond screwed up.


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## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

@E3000 - No, not really. I work for the government so It's fairly straight forward. I am on call 2 weeks out of the month but Its so rare that I even get called. I work 9 hour days but I have every other friday off. It's actually a really great job. Although you did hit the nail on the head with the "focus on geeky things" comment. I do focus on geeky things, I am a geek and I always will be.

@guy - Ya, I understand. Thing is they had nothing going for them at all...

@Soccer - That's why I try to seperate my self from people that refuse to learn from their mistakes. Usually I have no qualms with writing someone off and never talking to them again.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey Forsaken---I doesn't matter who she had her EA's with----you didn't take vows with any of them, so who cares about them

YOUR BEEF IS WITH YOUR WIFE----3 times now she has gone seeking attention, from other men---it is time to get to the deep down CORE WHY---and do not let her off the hook, till you get your answer

You cannot fix your mge., till you know what to fix----If she needs to go to IC, then MAKE her go----you cannot have a mge., where she continually cheats, continually seeks out other men.

Is she looking for attention, for validation, are ther FOO issues---WHAT IS CAUSING THIS----Nothing should move forward till you get some answers, and then with some knowledge you/the 2 of you, can decide the future!!


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## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

I don't really understand how going to an IC or something can help her. What I mean is if the IC says to her "You have attention problems" how does that fix things? Ya she will know, but how does that prevent anything like this from happening in the future?


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Forsaken said:


> With all that said, I can't help but ask myself, if she was willing to risk everything and was willing to throw it all away for these "men", what does that say about me? It has to say something about me as well, right?


The ONLY thing it says about you is that you made a bad choice in a wife. NOTHING else. This is about her, not you, and don't ever forget that. 

My wife, too, was (is?) an attention wh*re. Through IC therapy, she's dealing with it. Through MC, we're attempting to deal with the fallout of her actions resulting from this need for ego-stroking that she's told me numerous times in and outside of therapy, there's nothing I could have done about that. It came from within her, and she claims to have 'broken through it' by addressing it head-on and honestly... that is what IC's do with their patients.


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