# 180 vs snooping



## JohnSebastian (Dec 24, 2013)

So, can you explain to me the benefit of the 180 if you're not sure what's going on yet?


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

The 180 is for you. It is to better yourself, to improve your selfworth. It is not about evidence gathering. You can do both at the same time. Just be careful about the evidence gathering as not to let the spouse know whats going on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bert (Dec 31, 2013)

Guys, please tell me what 180 is ?


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## lostinlife#1 (Nov 25, 2013)

Others please confirm but this is my understanding of the 180 to be. Here's a copy I found online, you can't search it on this forum. 

My take on it is that it helps you cope when you feel crushed by your partner telling you it's over. It will help you concentrate on yourself instead of them and your failed relationship, it keeps your head clean.



1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say "I Love You".
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show her someone she would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don't be overly enthusiastic.
23. Do not argue about how she feels (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because she is hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## blackdog (Dec 18, 2013)

Thank you SO much, lostinlife#1. Some of us may have tried a few of these. But with 34 of them, I can definitely see a few that I personally should attempt.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

*The 180 works as a method to detach yourself emotionally from an unhealthy, non-productive relationship.* 

If you are considering walking out due to an untenable situation, the 180 will prepare you mentally/emotionally to LEAVE and live on your own with dignity and well-established boundaries.

If your spouse has walked out on you, the 180 will prepare you mentally/emotionally to live ON YOUR OWN with dignity and well-established boundaries.

*It is NOT:*

a way to spy on your spouse or ex-SO
an attempt to 'blackmail' the SO into changing behaviors or returning to you
ignoring a situation and pretending all is well (rug-sweeping)

*It is all about YOU:*

taking care of yourself EMOTIONALLY so you cannot be manipulated back into a sick relationship or unhealthy behaviors
realizing that your wants/needs/boundaries are important and healthy
preparing for life without your SO in a way that makes YOU a better person
focusing on improving the things about yourself that need improving (so you will be in healthier relationships in the future...either with SO who has also improved, or with someone new and healthier than your last SO)

Best wishes for a happier, emotionally-healthier 2014!

*BTW:* I have to disagree with #12 & #17. Do not ACT as if you are moving on with your life or act as if you have had an 'awakening'...you ARE moving on with your life. Life is going by regardless of action or inaction, so start LIVING your life the way YOU REQUIRE! Your SO either makes the changes you REQUIRE (and you're requiring them out of respect for yourself), or your SO does NOT make the required changes and you move forward in your life making those changes necessary to your personal growth and self-respect. Whether that involves legally divorcing your SO or staying in the relationship and changing your entire attitude/behavior is YOUR decision.


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## lostinlife#1 (Nov 25, 2013)

I am working on implementing them myself... My head and my heart are in a fight.... I'm not sure who is winning I think it depends on the day
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## blackdog (Dec 18, 2013)

Depends on the day. I hear ya! And to think that at one time in my life I thought it was only women that were moody.


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## JohnSebastian (Dec 24, 2013)

It seems to me the 180 means give up on the relationship and don't care. Is that correct?


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## Sandfly (Dec 8, 2013)

JohnSebastian said:


> It seems to me the 180 means give up on the relationship and don't care. Is that correct?


No, It's just what a self-respecting, and totally secure in himself man would naturally do in such a situation.

He would care more about being able to look at himself in the mirror and say "I'm nobody's fool, no-one's victim"

than he would care about someone who blatantly disrespects him.

Make sense? You have to copy these behaviours which in an ideal world, would come naturally to you anyway.


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## JohnSebastian (Dec 24, 2013)

Sandfly said:


> No, It's just what a self-respecting, and totally secure in himself man would naturally do in such a situation.
> He would care more about being able to look at himself in the mirror and say "I'm nobody's fool, no-one's victim"
> than he would care about someone who blatantly disrespects him.
> Make sense? You have to copy these behaviours which in an ideal world, would come naturally to you anyway.


So, should I do the 180 even though being on the rocks is new for us, and I don't know where it's headed?


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## Sandfly (Dec 8, 2013)

JohnSebastian said:


> So, should I do the 180 even though being on the rocks is new for us, and I don't know where it's headed?


There's no prescription suits everyone. When a relationship is over for me, then there's no pursuit from my part. 

Quite a number of times someone has come into my life and turned up at my place of work (open to the public) - very awkward... to tell me what they have been up to, and playing all friendly like, they get the polite treatment... and that's it ... but in all that time, in their moments of doubt, they still think about me, huh...? 

Sure, I am tempted by the easy situation, but...
Maybe they've been abandoned. Maybe they're intending to mess about on a relationship with someone else...

Whatever the reason, I don't want to be their crutch, or fantasy.

But I understand, if you're married, it's not so easy to walk away... question is - if it's a choice between self-esteem and 'being a white knight' to the undeserving...

Choose your self-esteem. You can always reconcile with someone who demonstrates in practical, self-sacrificial ways that they really want you again, but not someone who just sweetly says it.


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## blackdog (Dec 18, 2013)

The more I read about the "180" the more I realize that it is simply keeping your head held high, having pride, having good self esteem, allowing yourself a social life, having self respect, exercising, taking things with stride, being strong and most importantly showing confidence (I may have missed a few). None of these seem like bad things for any individual to try.


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## Fordsvt (Dec 24, 2010)

Blackdog the 180 works. It's about you and your head. My wife was shocked how quick I turned my feeling emotions and head around. So was our MC. It works. 
Spying drives you insane. It also shows your weak and insecure so don't. Be an Alpha man and show your strength.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## blackdog (Dec 18, 2013)

Fordsvt,

Thanks for the info, Man. It is not really my place to whine but I find some of the 180 thing a little difficult because of being Mr. Mom to 6 kids (3 of which are special needs foster kids). I suppose it is no different than being a business man with a high stress position. Not sure.


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## Fordsvt (Dec 24, 2010)

I don't think it matters what your status in life is. We are all built the same. All spying on your spouse does is drive them underground once you are caught. 
The 180 is about you. Not the spouse. Google it as it's a great tool.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## blackdog (Dec 18, 2013)

I think I hear what you are saying about the spying. I had a long talk one night with a close friend of mine about the issue of trust in a marriage. He talked about checking the tire tracks in the snow to see if they were his tracks in the driveway while he was gone to work for the day. Things like that. I think he best described this type of behaviour when he threw in the word "poison".


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