# Need some direction



## momto1 (Feb 19, 2011)

My husband and I have been married for a little over 3 years. We've had our ups and downs, but the last year or two have just been going downhill. 

I don't even know where to begin. He really seems to have this mentality of the wife from the 50's....like, she cooks, she cleans, takes care of the kids, waits on husband hand and foot, etc. I work full time, and I am ok doing most of this myself. I work 40 hours a week, and he works 60-70. (He works full time and farms, has livestock on the side) I do, however, get upset because he won't do little stuff--like putting his dishes in the dishwasher, putting dirty clothes in the hamper, getting himself up in the morning. We talk about it, he says he'll get better, and never does. I feel like I have two kids instead of just one.

We no longer have what I would call a sex life. I need to feel close emotionally before having sex. He is constantly putting me down, which really just pushes me away. And then he comes to bed, after I've been asleep for awhile, and wants to have sex. Why on earth would I want to have sex with someone who tells me I can't do anything right, and doesn't appreciate the everyday stuff I do? I make his lunch everyday, and can't remember the last time he said thank you, or that it was good.

A couple weeks ago, he smacked me hard on the butt. It was a typical argument, we were eating supper and somehow it came up that his sister in law gives BJs and I don't. I got up and started cleaning up the table. (Obviously not happy with the conversation) As I'm putting dishes in the dishwasher, he came up behind me and put all his weight into smacking me, and asking what the "f***" is your problem?? I cried myself to sleep that night and ended up going to the chiropractor the next day because I was in so much pain. I'm fine now, but not ok with that kind of behavior.

Every conversation we have ends up in an argument. I've mentioned marriage counseling, and he says it's just a waste of time. I DO NOT want to get divorced, but am so very unhappy with the current situation. He makes me feel like I'm doing everything wrong and it's my duty to fix everything. 

I'm looking for any resources or advice to help improve our relationship. I don't think I'm ready to call it quits, but just want to be happy again.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

First, Sex vs. feeling loved is often a catch 22, but your husband does need to treat you better.

Read my story in my profile. I spend 10 months in MC to make it work. It took my wife telling me to get in MC or our relationship would end soon.



> I've mentioned marriage counseling, and he says it's just a waste of time.


He is going to have to chose between you and going to MC and fixing the marriage. He said its a waste of time not that he is against it. Thats a good sign that he will agree if forced to chose.

This will only get worse as time goes on. Fix it now.

I would also suggest picking up books. I really liked Gottman's books and several others.

I changed. He can too. I just hope he does.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

If he hit you again call the cops he is abusive and needs to know how serious he hurt you. If he hit you once he will do it again. Did he apoligise for hurting you? If not, you have big problems. You are married to a verbally abusive man. Look up the characteristics verbal abuse and the escalation with time. This will not improve if you don't make the decision to make him chose stop the abuse and get help or you will leave. Don't wait for him to injure you again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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