# How do you find the courage



## sugarbabe_mn (Jan 29, 2008)

Hello everyone....like so many I am new here......I am 36 years old as is my husband and we have been married for almost 13 years and have been together for 15. We have 3 young boys ages 9, 7, and 4 whome we both ove very much. We have had our share of problems including a year seperation 10 years ago...Last October my husband came to me and told me he didnt think he loved me anymore....Of course I asked the only question I could uster...and that was 'if there was someone else'. He hesitantly told me that he had been sleeping with a good friend of mine/ours since May. He slept with her in our home...as well as in our camper and who knows where else. What a blow that was to me and our family! 

Being told that crushed me and my self esteem but since then I have been working on making myself feel better about who I am (loosing weight, working out, experiencing new things, etc) Doing these things has made me see that I really am not happy in my marriage. I mean how can I ever trust him again...I have made a timeline on getting my life in order so that I can ask him to leave and for a divorce but I feel in alot of ways in doing so I am going to ruin his life. Is this normal? I have no clue even how to begin thiss process or where to find the courage to just do it so that I can be happy again. I have great family and friends supporting this decision...I just hate knowing that I am going to crush his world as he did mine when he told me he slept with someone else. I guess I am just looking for any advice that might be out there.

I have sarted looking at mediation services and how those cn help mke this easier on us all. I would like my kids not to end up in the middle of a huge battle. Funny I still care about my husband......and hope to remain friendly with him after this is settled. 

thanks for any advice 
sugarbabe -in- Mn


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

My first marriage ended in divorce in part because she cheated on me. We are still friends to this day. We were very civil to each other and made most of the sgreements before we got to court. We were so civil infact the judge refused to give us the divorce the first time and we had to wait six extra months, but in the end for our child and us it was worth it.

draconis


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## Dolphin (Jan 29, 2008)

I really admire your positive attitude. You are a very strong person and will survive this. One day find someone who will treat you with the love and respect you deserve.

I wasn't happy the night my husband came walking in the door at 4:00am after being out with "the guys" from work. Only later did I find out that a girl from his work was also there and apparently, there were some kind of pictures on his cell phone from the night. I found out because he sent one from his phone to her home email address and it showed up on the bill. Then he sent the rest to his work email and then deleted them from the phone. I confronted him but, he blew up and told me I was making too much of it...but, yet he won't let me see the pictures.

You are better off being divorced then worrying if he is being faithful or not. 

Good luck to you.


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## Delphi (Nov 28, 2007)

Oh, how admirable you are. You can't hear me but I'm applauding you. How strong, intelligent and clear sighted you are. I hope you make a wonderful life for yourself.

But please, don't let compassion for your cheating husband hold you back. What did he think would happen when he cheated? He must have know his world would change forever. Or did he think he would get away with it? You owe him nothing. Your loyalty must go to yourself first. I realize that after so many years of marriage you cannot turn off your feelings for him totally but please don't fall into that old female compassion trap. Good luck.


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## sugarbabe_mn (Jan 29, 2008)

Thank you so much for your replys...It is good to know that others who are not personally involved support my decisions and thoughts. It is hard to always be so strong...but I manage with my kids and our futures in sight. 

Of course the hubby is doing all he can to kiss up right now.....putting more guilt on me (LOL) Isnt he the one who i supposed to feel the guilt? I am very lucky to have the family and friends in my life that I do as well as to have found this board......It is good to know that Im not alone in all of this. Thanks again for your kind words and support
sugar-in minnesota


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## sarahdale24 (Feb 3, 2008)

I too am standing and applauding you for your courage. I also know you shoudn't feel an ounce of guilt for him. He SHOULD be kissing your butt right now, but you not take him back. Not only did he cheat, but with a FRIEND. 

Basically in our marriage vows, my husband and I, agree between the both of us that we won't leave the other except for one exception, cheating! We both know this and won't do it. ANything else that comes our way we will work out first, cheating won't even be discussed, its an immediate divorce. You will not only thank yourself, but so will your kids!


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## sugarbabe_mn (Jan 29, 2008)

Thank you again for the support....Let me pose another question to you all......should I be seeking counseling for myself? I mean I feel I am doing a pretty good job getting myself in order and feeling beter about my situation. I guess IM not sure how to procede. I would like to ask him to leave but of course I am scared he will cut us off financially (I am a stay at home mother) I am seeking employment for myself but after not working for 10 years I am finding it very difficult. 

He is most definately kissing a little butt these days. My mother and friends think it is because he knows that I have thrown in the towel so to speak. Ughhhh its so hard and frustrating to take that leap off the edge of the cliff and just do it. I figure since he has 2 weeks off work that I need to sit him down and discuss more intensly how I cannot forget what he did. Thanks for the advice in advance ......You are all so great

sugarbabe in Mn


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

sugarbabe_mn said:


> Thank you again for the support....Let me pose another question to you all......should I be seeking counseling for myself? I mean I feel I am doing a pretty good job getting myself in order and feeling beter about my situation. I guess IM not sure how to procede. I would like to ask him to leave but of course I am scared he will cut us off financially (I am a stay at home mother) I am seeking employment for myself but after not working for 10 years I am finding it very difficult.
> 
> He is most definately kissing a little butt these days. My mother and friends think it is because he knows that I have thrown in the towel so to speak. Ughhhh its so hard and frustrating to take that leap off the edge of the cliff and just do it. I figure since he has 2 weeks off work that I need to sit him down and discuss more intensly how I cannot forget what he did. Thanks for the advice in advance ......You are all so great
> 
> sugarbabe in Mn


First if he has the gumpton to "cut you off" the courts would right the wrong quick and while you are still married half of any money he has is yours.

About counciling that is up to you. If you feel that you need or want it then go for it.

draconis


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## sugarbabe_mn (Jan 29, 2008)

Well I took the first step and told him openly an honestly how I was feeling about our marriage. It was difficult but I think that first step is really the most difficult. He has moved out of the house and we have been trying to talk about our issues and our next step in all this.

He seems really manic sometimes.....either really up or really down. Im not sure what to make of all of that. Anyhow just wanted to give a quick update to you all. Tomorrow we will be telling our kids...any advice on that subject would be greatly apppreciated!
sugarbabe in Minnesota


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Telling kids is hard, when I got divorces my child wasn't even a year old. The best thing to do is tell them together and let them know it is not there fault and that you think in the long run they will be better off because the two of you will be happier. Also talking to them seperately one on one shortly after will help calm each of their fears.

draconis


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