# Any chance there's an affair??



## CWM0842 (Dec 8, 2011)

My wife and I have been married for about 1.5 years. Our sex life has gradually declined and in the last six months plummeted drastically. Once a month. Not to force you to read other threads, but I previously posted a thread that described the situation in great detail. 

Everything else about our relationship seems fine. She is still physically affectionate and open in general with me. We spend lots of time together. Other than work, she is basically never away from me. If there's an errand to be run when we're at home, I'd do it or we'd do it together. Pretty much any social event we go together. The only time outside of work that we're apart is the few nights a week I go to the gym. She runs at home on our treadmill. 

We know each other's email and fb password. Never anything in those I've seen. She leaves herself logged in all the time. I don't have access to her work email, but it is connected to her phone and I have looked on it a few times and there was never anything supsicious. She isn't protective of her phone at all. Occasionally (definitely not every day, and she does get after hours work emails) she will take it into the bathroom, typically if she is in the middle of a work email. She isn't in there any extra time. At about the same frequency she will take the computer (mine/ours) into the bathroom if she is in the middle of looking at something on the internet. And, these are things she was sitting right next to me looking at. Her work computer comes home but she tends not to use it home I assume cause mine is already right where we hang out.

There is only 1, if I reached 2, men at work that could come close to being potential affair participants. One is her boss, whom she gets along with well. She doesn't talk about him excessively or not talk about him. Sometimes he will call her at home for work and the conversation never sounds strange. If anything was going on, it would be completely contained at work. He's older and married with teenage kids but is still somewhat forward with women. My wife has mentioned things he's said/done here and there but acts turned off. He has potentially cheated with a prior younger employee a couple years ago. I've met him and there's nothing objectionable about him. 

Sometimes, at least once a week, she will shower after work. She says it's cause she feels gross sitting all day. Note that on some of the days she doesn't shower it's cause she's running and then showers later. There are some random clothes in her back seat but she's said that's cause she's had to change in the middle of the day into more comfortable clothes (we are both in the same profession where there are times you have to wear suits, but not daily, although I have never bothered to change in a similar situation). 

Really, the only signs I have are potentially the showering, but mainly the lack of sex. I'm guessing no but is there any chance of an affair?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

doesn't sound likely but you never know, I will say that if she is then she's damn good at hiding red flags.

what has she said about the sex life, have you asked her?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

The days she showers after work, anything different about that day? Any pattern to it?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CWM0842 (Dec 8, 2011)

Re: the sex life, we've talked extensively. She has to take antidepressants and has tried switching but to no avail. She also claims to hate her job, which mitigates against affair w/boss. In short, she doesn't know why. I won't bother rehashing my other thread in full.

Re: showers, no real pattern other than she is in there very quickly after getting home it seems. The rest of the night is always the same. Sometimes she claims she wants to sit in there and relax, and basically not be interrupted. I've asked her if she's jerking off, to which she gets offended (she claims she never does, although we do have toys we've used together).


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

It certainly does not sound like it. It's not uncommon to fluctuate in sex frequency. My hubby and I have been married 12 years and there was a period where it was only 1-2 times a month or even zero times. He wasn't initiating and we were exhausted or I wasn't in the mood. Neither one of us would ever have an affair. We were not as connected emotionally/physically during those times. I'm sure the rejection hurt him, it would of hurt me. 

I've put a stop to it and started initiating a few months ago. My husband has alway put my needs before his. I woke up and realized it was time to start pleasing him. I wish I would of done this sooner.

Antidepressants kill the sex drive. I bet that's what's causing it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## speakingforsomemen (Dec 12, 2011)

Check out the Boss a lot more carefully. Has she gotten a promotion recently?


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## CWM0842 (Dec 8, 2011)

Yeah I figured it was unlikely but not being able to figure out why she doesn't want it and reading this website has made me more paranoid.



Edit: LOL at promotion. She is angry she's been there over a year and no raise or even mention of performance review. She does have more than one boss of equal power so he wouldn't have complete say.

Also, her dad cheated on her mom and they divorced. I know divorced parents makes divorced kids more likely, but does it follow for cheating at all?


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Don't want to say no chance, but only one possible red flag out of many possible ones, so I would say it's highly unlikely. However, sex once a month is living in a sexless marriage in my opinion.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Has she tried Welbutrin for the depression. It usually increases sex drive.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

you have no real red flags other than the drop in sex and wanting to shower at weird times (maybe she has OCD and hates to be dirty or be touched?)

there's no guarding of her phone/facebook or laptop
no weird hours or deviations in routine
no new lingerie or wardrobe or change of appearance
no personality change
no GNO's


I say relax and work on your sex problem

see if the doc can switch her to something like wellbutrin which has no sexual side effects

if she is on the pill then maybe look for another method of birth control as the pill can also decrease sexual desire


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## NaturalHeart (Nov 13, 2011)

CWM0842 said:


> My wife and I have been married for about 1.5 years. Our sex life has gradually declined and in the last six months plummeted drastically. Once a month. Not to force you to read other threads, but I previously posted a thread that described the situation in great detail.
> 
> Everything else about our relationship seems fine. She is still physically affectionate and open in general with me. We spend lots of time together. Other than work, she is basically never away from me. If there's an errand to be run when we're at home, I'd do it or we'd do it together. Pretty much any social event we go together. The only time outside of work that we're apart is the few nights a week I go to the gym. She runs at home on our treadmill.
> 
> ...



You're seeing a change so it makes you look for something to be wrong. Make sure she is satisfied in bed. Make sure she is not bored sexually in the relationship. My experience with (SOME) men on the job is they have always come at me friendly, talking about family and blah blah blah. Then they flirt a little to see how far I will let it go OR they go in for the hunt. I just dont care for ever catching the bait. When I give them the "I lOVE MY HUSBAND SO MUCH SPEECH" by telling them how my husband works hard at work and also helps cook, mop, fold clothes, wash the girls hair, iron their clothes for the next day, help with home work, dishes and always have my moscato ready for me on certain nights- they end up having major respect toward me and actually become a friend or they will be gone. It is amazing how much they end up loving the wife and wanting to be a better husband after that speech.


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## CWM0842 (Dec 8, 2011)

Yeah good suggestions on the wellbutrin. I have tried to get her to suggest this to her doc or go to an actual psych who is more familiar with antidepressants to prescribe it. I actually take it myself and have had no problems. The only hangup is she's actually on the antidepressants more for generalized anxiety (i just said antidepressants cause that's their main use) and wellbutrin can cause that, which I'm assuming is maybe why the doctor hasn't tried. She just isn't very proactive about investigating it which pisses me off.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

CWM0842 said:


> Yeah good suggestions on the wellbutrin. I have tried to get her to suggest this to her doc or go to an actual psych who is more familiar with antidepressants to prescribe it. I actually take it myself and have had no problems. The only hangup is she's actually on the antidepressants more for generalized anxiety (i just said antidepressants cause that's their main use) and wellbutrin can cause that, which I'm assuming is maybe why the doctor hasn't tried. She just isn't very proactive about investigating it which pisses me off.


Here are some other ideas

Sex on Antidepressants: No Need For Subtitle - Beyond Blue


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## CWM0842 (Dec 8, 2011)

@shaylady- I've asked her if my skills are the problem and she always says no. I told her not to protect my ego and she still says no. I guess she could be holding back. When we were having good sex she certainly didn't seem bored. It's to the point now where she won't even let me do some of the things that previously made it more exciting.


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## NaturalHeart (Nov 13, 2011)

CWM0842 said:


> @shaylady- I've asked her if my skills are the problem and she always says no. I told her not to protect my ego and she still says no. I guess she could be holding back. When we were having good sex she certainly didn't seem bored. It's to the point now where she won't even let me do some of the things that previously made it more exciting.


Well surely I'd be concerned only because I'm not use to change or if something does change from the norm, I tend to think something is wrong or did I do something. Now stopping you from doing things that made things more exciting would make me think something is wrong. You're asking her questions and she is giving you very short answers without explaining or giving you a reason why she does not want to do the "exciting things" anymore. She should see that you care enough to want to make things right and you're not going to settle for just "no " but it sounds like she is holding back.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Depression is nothing to take lightly. So changing or ending the meds needs to be done under competent medical supervision.

Having said that, I think your wife should consult with a specialist. A Ph.D. Clinical Psychologist would be a good place to start. Psychologists do not prescribe meds but they are extensively trained and experienced in that arena, plus their training is in psychology not medical. A Psychiatrist is a medical doctor, not trained very deeply at all in psychological treatments.

A Psychologist will always have an MD in some kind of partnership who will do the prescription of any meds, or the patient's own doc can be used for that.

Docs like to toss medicine at problems. Hey it works in a lot of cases! But there are lots of other approaches. An anxiety problem may respond well to nutrition, exercise, and maybe some counseling. I would suggest your wife consult with a good psychologist who is familiar with a holistic approach and who will work with her doc on managing the meds. Hopefully finding a non-drug solution.

On the showering, does she work in public spaces? i.e. does she use public bathrooms and eat in restaurants? I work in public spaces and I do feel dirty at the end of the day, much more so than when I had an office job. Public toilets really make me feel dirty. So I can understand her wanting to clean off when she gets home.


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## CWM0842 (Dec 8, 2011)

"On the showering, does she work in public spaces? i.e. does she use public bathrooms and eat in restaurants? I work in public spaces and I do feel dirty at the end of the day, much more so than when I had an office job. Public toilets really make me feel dirty. So I can understand her wanting to clean off when she gets home."


She shares a bathroom with people on her floor. I would guess between her office and others there's 50-60 people at least on the floor. Maybe notably, one specific reason she has cited is that having her legs crossed/sitting all day makes her vagina seem gross or dirty. Forgot to mention that earlier but it sounded a little strange to me. Women here, is this something you ever have a problem with?


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

In all of my years I have never heard of such an excuse. You have been married only 1 1/2 years and the last 6 months virtually no sex?
Something is terribly wrong. If the roles were reversed she would be thinking the following:
1. You are seeing somebody else
2. There is something seriously physically wrong with you.
3. You no longer find her attractive and simply not interested in having sex with you.

If she is serious about saving the marriage she will be honest about these issues. Good luck.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

On another thread someone said that proffesionals consider once a month as a sexless marriage.

When you do have sex what happens? Does/did she ever initiate sex? Is she just doing it now to get you off of her back?(pun)

She hates her job, could she be blaming you for that or something else?


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Have you tried hiding a voice-activated recorder (VAR) in her car or some other place at home where she's some privacy to talk?

And, anti-depressants do kill sex drives in some people. Quite a few articles on this on the web -- do a search.


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## kenmoore14217 (Apr 8, 2010)

To me the 'quick' showers after coming home are a red flag. Sorry


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Have you tried counseling? If not why not?

Read your other thread, all the women I new in theie twenties were just the opposite of your wife. This would be a deal breaker for me.

Her (supposedly) being in a sexless relationship for five years points to something disastorously wrong. Abuse maybe?


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Several medications have been proven to kill sex drive. Having said that:

To me jumping in the shower after work is suspicious. And you say this happens about once a week? Suspicious times 10. Does this quick trip to the shower happen to occur on the same days that a change of clothes at work does?

Also taking the phone and computer into the bathroom? Phone, maybe, if she is looking for a quiet place to talk, but the computer, no way. Skype? If she is tech savy, she could easily hide communications.

Plus now she stops you during sex when you attempt something that both of you "used" to enjoy.

Sounds like you suspect something or you would not be here.


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## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

CWM0842 said:


> "On the showering, does she work in public spaces? i.e. does she use public bathrooms and eat in restaurants? I work in public spaces and I do feel dirty at the end of the day, much more so than when I had an office job. Public toilets really make me feel dirty. So I can understand her wanting to clean off when she gets home."
> 
> 
> She shares a bathroom with people on her floor. I would guess between her office and others there's 50-60 people at least on the floor. Maybe notably, one specific reason she has cited is that having her legs crossed/sitting all day makes her vagina seem gross or dirty. Forgot to mention that earlier but it sounded a little strange to me. Women here, is this something you ever have a problem with?


Yes, there are times when I get a little more sweaty in that area than other days, especially when I sit for long periods of time and definantly when I ovulate or getting ready too. It does feel gross and dirty to me. 

Is she on anti depressants or anti anxiety medication? I agree she should see a psychologist. If she has GAD I don't think Wellbutrin will help with that, infact I do believe it would/could make it worse.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

If she as showering everyday, I wouldn't be as worried, but only once a week and then immediately after coming home?

That's a real red flag, couple with now sex. That's two.

Does she dress any better on those days? Different underwear ,sexier shoes?

Is her mood different in the morning or after work ?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## stuckmick (Dec 10, 2011)

Im definitely not an expert, but keep an open line of communication. And keep an eye on things pattern wise. If the only indicator is showering I wouldnt be overly concerned.

The sex part of it...welcome to marriage, there is an ebb and flow....just dont shut her out because of it, talk about it. 

Not only is depression a concern, there could be other medical chemistry issues going on that needs to be addressed. 

Good luck


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

If you are worried, have you checked her panties from the showering days?


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

speakingforsomemen said:


> Check out the Boss a lot more carefully. Has she gotten a promotion recently?


This made me chuckle


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

kenmoore14217 said:


> To me the 'quick' showers after coming home are a red flag. Sorry


Indeed
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

TDSC60 said:


> Several medications have been proven to kill sex drive. Having said that:
> 
> To me jumping in the shower after work is suspicious. And you say this happens about once a week? Suspicious times 10. Does this quick trip to the shower happen to occur on the same days that a change of clothes at work does?
> 
> ...


I sometimes take the phone, ipod, laptop in the bathroom with me. Sometimes I reading TAM or maybe twitter or a team site that I follow. It's the one place my kids won't bust in asking for this or that. 

To the OP, your evidence is circumstantial at best. Don't drive yourself crazy. Start showing up for lunch dates un expected. One, it will give you a chance to guage the reaction of your wife and co workers. Two, it will allow you to spend some extra time with her and could be beneficial to your love life. What's happening is a lack of sex is triggering your gut at anything that just doesn't seem just right. The lack of the connection that sex gives a man can drive you to crazy thoughts. To me it just sounds like a rut that you and her have to fight through. I wouldn't jump to a possible affair YET.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Well here would be my test, and you can only do it once.

When you see her taking the computer into the bathroom, stop her and say, "This is really important to me, please don't take it the wrong way, but can I see your computer right now?"

If you don't get to see it, that would be the world's biggest red flag. It means she's hiding something. My wife had a 1000 excuses why she was deleting messages, I couldn't see her phone, it was an invasion of privacy, etc etc. If she has nothing to hide, she won't care.

Tell her it's for your piece of mind, and it would really make you feel more comfortable. If she says no or starts furiously deleting messages, there's your answer.

Another big red flag for me is that you're here asking about it. The thing I wish I had changed during my wife's affair is trusting my gut. If you're not a naturally jealous person, which it sounds like you aren't since you're not paranoid or accusatory of her, that feeling that something isn't right is there for a reason. Subconciously you know something isn't right in your marriage, and subconciously you recognize this boss and the other guy as a threat.

Imagine that, many men she sees on a daily basis (at work, stores, gym, etc.), but you already know the 2 that could cause problems.....

Trust your gut, it was right 100% of the time in my situation. Maybe she's not cheating, but if you're concerned about it, the truth is she might be getting close to it.

If nothing else, I would put a VAR in her car with a GPS in her purse. Maybe even hire a PI unless you think they are boning AT work.

Your situation you could easily find out nothing is wrong, and you'll get a lot of piece of mind from that. But I would still talk to your wife about your situation because it's obvious you think something is amiss in the relationship.


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## Wanabeelee (Sep 6, 2011)

You said she has 50 - 60 people on her floor. Well more floors more people. Anyone in the general area of her work might be drawing her attintion. 

VAR is a good idea, also she uses your laptop... put a keylogger on it. 

Get some peace of mind or cut something off before it becomes too much. Maybe even safe years of your life on someone who might not care for you. Worth checking into.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

CWM0842 said:


> She doesn't talk about him excessively or not talk about him. Sometimes he will call her at home for work and the conversation never sounds strange. If anything was going on, it would be completely contained at work. He's older and married with teenage kids but is still somewhat forward with women. My wife has mentioned things he's said/done here and there but acts turned off. He has potentially cheated with a prior younger employee a couple years ago. I've met him and there's nothing objectionable about him.


I wanted to go back and touch on this too.

1. Why is he calling her at home? You say the conversation doesn't sound strange, does it sound WORK RELATED? If it's anything but work related, that's another red flag.

2. The mentioning of things he's said and done and sounding turned off is completely moot and not a gauge of interest. In fact, it could be quite the opposite. I had in my experience, and confirmed by others on this site, heard many many times how the men my wife did inappropriate things with were stupid, arrogant, ugly, not attractive at all, etc etc. Doth she protest too much?

3. The nothing objectionable about him is also moot. The man my wife had an EA with was a proclaimed christian, graduated from Bible School. He was getting his degree in marriage counseling. I contacted him to check his character (yeah i was a dumbass back then), and he totally passed my "good guy" test. This was after he got naked pictures of my wife and was having regular sexting time with her. Needless to say, guys are f*ing liars and can't be trusted with your wife. This guy in particular, since he already A) cheated on his family and B) had inappropriate relations with an employee.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

I dont know how I missed that she takes the laptop into the bathroom & into the bedroom. Theres not many reasons for doing that. Sure its something normal when you last saw the screen...This is a red flag when you add in the other behavior.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> I dont know how I missed that she takes the laptop into the bathroom & into the bedroom. Theres not many reasons for doing that. Sure its something normal when you last saw the screen...This is a red flag when you add in the other behavior.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I missed that as well. Something is not right in this situation.


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## NaturalHeart (Nov 13, 2011)

kenmoore14217 said:


> To me the 'quick' showers after coming home are a red flag. Sorry





bryanp said:


> In all of my years I have never heard of such an excuse. You have been married only 1 1/2 years and the last 6 months virtually no sex?
> Something is terribly wrong. If the roles were reversed she would be thinking the following:
> 1. You are seeing somebody else
> 2. There is something seriously physically wrong with you.
> ...



Thank you for saying what I hesitated to say. I will stop holding back when I give my opinion.


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## CWM0842 (Dec 8, 2011)

Thanks for the advice everyone. My consideration of an affair is not necessarily my gut instinct, but rather the last consideration of why we don't have sex. As you can see, I first posted in the other section w/o considering an affair was in play. I am still leaning towards it being her medication. 

With her boss, I should note that she has numerous times suggested I try to get a job at her office and has even hinted to this very boss that I'd like a new job when he has been talking about how they'll need to hire someone soon (although most recently she has thought about quitting her job because it has become so stressful, so I'm not sure I'd want to work there). Would she really want me there if she's having an affair? Even if it weren't someone in her office, would she want me around during the work day? Just last night I had to pick her up from work and she had me come up and help her with something before we left. Seems like someone having an affair at work wouldn't want the other spouse there in any way. Ironically enough, I have an interview next week at a different job a few floors below hers. Also, as late as last night her boss sent her a totally insulting email about her work. Would you blatantly insult someone you're sleeping with? And him calling her at night happens once a week maybe, and I have been right next to her. The whole conversations are about work. And it's usually cause there is some sort of absolute deadline on something the next day.

I have questioned her before when she's taken the computer into the bathroom and she just says she's looking at whatever she was just looking at. I think she has offered to let me see what she's looking at. This isn't like a nightly occurence or anything. It still did seem slightly fishy.

Re: the showers, I have never connected those days with a change of clothes, and I as I said her backseat isn't a walk-in closet of clothes, just a few things. It does not seem horribly strange for her to change from a suit to something more comfortable in the middle of the day. Still, a few times it seems she's been pretty quick to jump in the shower. She's also stated her makeup feels gross by the end of the day and sometimes showering is easier than just washing her face. It's far from every day she showers right after work.

Someone asked about abuse- she was emotionally and somewhat physically abused as a child, but not sexually. Her childhood has definitely left her with deep scars, esp anxiety and depression. Once during sex she said I was too aggressive and for some reason this made her remember things from her childhood. However, this was only once and when the sex was normal she never complained about it. 

I am leaning towards pushing her to a psychologist, although she has been reluctant cause she went to them all through childhood and doesn't want to do it anymore. She has stopped birth control in case that's the issue (don't worry, we're using condoms, and obviously we're not having much sex anyways) and I have told her if this doesn't help she needs to go see someone. Before getting married we did go to a psychologist a handful of times as premarital counseling kind of. We don't really have a specific faith to where we'd do that through a church. The sex issue was brought up but only superficially. 

Also of note, there was a period before she started her job, but after sex had waned, where she had no responsibilities. She immediately became sexual again and was like when we first started dating. She said this was cause she had no stress. 

I'm still thinking it's primarily her medication/own psychological problems. The only sign of affair I really have to go on is the showering thing, but this isn't all the time or anything. The taking the computer into the bathroom (not bedroom) sounds bad but that really doesn't happen much. Once a week randomly at most. I thought about trying to get a keystroke logger, but it seemed premature still at this point. Def. not ready to stick a recorder under her seat. There's not enough to go on and if it's nothing and she finds it, I'd have lots of explaining to do. 

Last, she really does seem so totally interested in me otherwise. She doesn't like when I go to do anything without her. Other than work she goes basically nowhere without me. I am still the more stand-offish one, esp since the sex has decreased. An affair still seems pretty far-fetched given what I have to go on. I think my mind is just racing cause this has been sexless for a while. Honestly, I'm not sure she truly realizes how much this is affecting me. I've tried to tell her but she just doesn't seem to understand. I've debated about just showing her that I've bothered to post on this site and a sexless marriage site and shocking her into reality about how much time I've spent thinking about it. I dunno...


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## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

How often does she run a week? If she didn't run, do you think she'd shower right after work more often? I can see why she'd wait to shower after running though, no point in two showers. I honestly don't see anything to be concerned about affairwise, maybe I'm a naive person, but she seems like she's commited to you and loves you. I'd go with medical, GAD sucks, it really does and it can really get bad, especially if you're not medicated for it and/or medicated properly for it 

I'd sit down with her, and have a chat about the sex life. Maybe you two can come up with a compromise of say twice a week? or whatever works for the two of you, and work from there. It might help if you say, romance her a little. If she's stressed out at work, maybe taking her out to lunch a couple of time a week would help her unwind, doesn't have to be fancy, just to get away from the stress? Or if you cook, cook her a nice dinner and watch a movie the two of you like? I'm not saying it should be all on you, it should be both of you. But it wouldn't hurt to start with you. I could be wrong and you two do these things quite frequently and if that's the case, please ignore me.

I wish you both the best. IMO I think you two will be fine, hopefully this is just a bump in a very long and wonderful road.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

On the why would she want me to work there, if there was an affair, I hear you, but you should know there are a lot of instances where the WS actually tries to get their AP and the BS to be friends.

kinda sick, but not uncommon either.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

Are you willing to spend the rest of your life like this? Apparently she knows that you will stay with her if she decides to maintain a sexless marriage. Why is that?


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

CWM0842 said:


> Re: the showers, I have never connected those days with a change of clothes, and I as I said her backseat isn't a walk-in closet of clothes, just a few things. It does not seem horribly strange for her to change from a suit to something more comfortable in the middle of the day. Still, a few times it seems she's been pretty quick to jump in the shower. She's also stated her makeup feels gross by the end of the day and sometimes showering is easier than just washing her face. It's far from every day she showers right after work.
> 
> Someone asked about abuse- she was emotionally and somewhat physically abused as a child, but not sexually. Her childhood has definitely left her with deep scars, esp anxiety and depression. Once during sex she said I was too aggressive and for some reason this made her remember things from her childhood. However, this was only once and when the sex was normal she never complained about it.


The shower thing seems odd given your description of a normal office environment. I would watch for correlation between showers and other suspicious behaviors. Change of clothes, a day out of the office, etc. It is probably nothing by itself, but it may provide a clue if it is something.

Ahh, the abuse. Yes, I think the abuse will turn out to be a major player in your sexless situation. Abuse victims frequently cope adequately for a while, but then they start having problems. The emotional intimacy of a marriage is extremely difficult an frightening. She can't 'act' all the time in a marriage, whereas she can pretend to be anything while dating. In essence, her authentic self can be hidden when she is in a more casual relationship, but when married it becomes more and more difficult. So then the underlying trauma from the abuse starts to emerge.

Many many times the sexually abused person will deny it happened, even when asked point blank. My wife denied it 3 times to me when we were first married. Now 29 years later she reveals it. Just because your wife says it did not happen doesn't mean you should believe it. Does she talk about other people being sexually abused in her extended family? Is she unusually passionate when a story comes on the news about sexual abuse or rape?

She definitely needs to be in counseling if you feel any of her abuse is infringing on her ability to have emotional closeness or to be sexually healthy.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

look, if you want to go ahead and rule it out then that's fine, I would try a VAR and keylogger for maybe 2 weeks to see if anything pops up. If nothing shows up then get it out.


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## CWM0842 (Dec 8, 2011)

Thor said:


> She can't 'act' all the time in a marriage, whereas she can pretend to be anything while dating. In essence, her authentic self can be hidden when she is in a more casual relationship, but when married it becomes more and more difficult. So then the underlying trauma from the abuse starts to emerge.
> 
> because your wife says it did not happen doesn't mean you should believe it. Does she talk about other people being sexually abused in her extended family? Is she unusually passionate when a story comes on the news about sexual abuse or rape?




This is very true about underlying trauma emerging later. I knew about it from almost the beginning of our relationship, but new details and ways it affects her still come out. 


Obviously I could be wrong, but I don't think any sexual abuse happened. The abuse happened only to her and was from her mother. Nothing about stories she tells me or her mother herself have jumped out at me as possible signs. The unfortunate thing is her family has for the most part swept it under the rug. Or at least never acknowledge it at this point.


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## CWM0842 (Dec 8, 2011)

The other thing I worry about is myself. I definitely flirt with other women more now b/c that kind of attention obviously feels good. I am nowhere near having an affair but I don't want it to come to that years from now. Just the other night I was out with co-workers and my wife had already gone home and a pretty drunk woman blatantly hit on me and said she wanted to go home with me. Now there was no chance anything was going to happen but I worry that if this continues I will be more tempted in the future. Should I tell my wife stuff like this or will this anger her and upset her?

I know there is the idea women are more interested when other women flirt with their guy (and I have noticed this with her) but if she's not even around seems like it's either cruel to tell her or just obvious puffery to make myself seem like more of a catch.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

CWM0842 said:


> The other thing I worry about is myself. I definitely flirt with other women more now b/c that kind of attention obviously feels good. I am nowhere near having an affair but I don't want it to come to that years from now. Just the other night I was out with co-workers and my wife had already gone home and a pretty drunk woman blatantly hit on me and said she wanted to go home with me. Now there was no chance anything was going to happen but I worry that if this continues I will be more tempted in the future. Should I tell my wife stuff like this or will this anger her and upset her?
> 
> I know there is the idea women are more interested when other women flirt with their guy (and I have noticed this with her) but if she's not even around seems like it's either cruel to tell her or just obvious puffery to make myself seem like more of a catch.


No excuses, get your ass to some MC. You'll have enough to talk about to get your money's worth 

Most of your red flags have explanations, she could very well not be cheating. But you are obviously having issues in the marriage so why wouldn't you want to get them resolved? No sex and it's starting to affect your view of the marriage, that's a serious issue. Get it dealt with before you do get involved in an affair.


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

CWM0842 said:


> The other thing I worry about is myself. I definitely flirt with other women more now b/c that kind of attention obviously feels good. I am nowhere near having an affair but I don't want it to come to that years from now. Just the other night I was out with co-workers and my wife had already gone home and a pretty drunk woman blatantly hit on me and said she wanted to go home with me. Now there was no chance anything was going to happen but I worry that if this continues I will be more tempted in the future. Should I tell my wife stuff like this or will this anger her and upset her?
> 
> I know there is the idea women are more interested when other women flirt with their guy (and I have noticed this with her) but if she's not even around seems like it's either cruel to tell her or just obvious puffery to make myself seem like more of a catch.


You should tell her, but be prepared for her not to believe you. Its better when they witness it for themselves!


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