# I Want to Want My Wife... but I don't



## station86 (Apr 2, 2014)

First of all, I love my wife. She is amazing in a lot of different ways. But I don't want her.

Second of all, we are both HD. I want sex (in general) a lot, but I don't want to have sex with her. It eats me up inside every day. I have sex because I love her and want to make her happy, or because I just want sex, but not because I desire her. I try not to let on to this. It is not because I want someone else, because I don't, although sometimes I wonder if I want her to _be_ someone else; and the thought of possibly wanting to change her makes me feel sick and guilty.

We are both in our mid 20s and have only been married for about a year. We dated long distance our entire relationship. I often felt like a physical spark was missing in our relationship while we were dating. The issue was made more complex by the fact that we were trying to wait until marriage to have sex, and she often felt guilty when we went too far.

Our personalities overlap, but we're also quite different. I grew up listening to harder and edgier music, love fast cars, I hit the gym hard every day, and have seen combat. My wife went to a very conservative Bible College and gets concerned when I drive over the speed limit. 

I thought she was amazingly hot when we were dating. I still think she's absolutely beautiful, but just in a different way now. She's gained about 35 pounds in the past year. I don't want to address this issue with her any more because she had an eating disorder growing up and I don't want to hurt her. I also recognize I can't make her change, it's something she has to do. 

I'm not that attracted to the way she dresses either, and I feel guilty about that because I think women should be able to dress the way they want without having to have men pass judgement. 

She has discussed in the past how I am attracted to "bad girls" and that it bothers her because she isn't a "bad girl." It's kind of misleading to say that I'm attracted to bad girls because the things I love about my wife are all good things and I'm not asking her to do drugs with me or become swingers. There's just no flirting (something I crave) or witty banter. There's no teasing or surprise boudoir photoshoots or sexy outfits, or slightly reckless behavior. There's no pain with the pleasure and sometimes I wonder if I'm wrong for wanting a little pain or if it's a product of past dysfunctional relationships. Every thing is just too easy and too plain. I even hate making love on top because it feels gross, and I hate that I hate that so much. The concept seems great and hot in my head, but it all comes apart in practice.

I seriously want to want my wife, but I don't. Is there something wrong with me?


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Maybe you're just not compatible. You're still young enough and this relationship is new enough, maybe it would be better for you both if you just moved on. I always wonder about people who get together in a long distance relationship. Were you too shy or afraid of commitment to date someone in person? And frankly, her guilty feelings about "going too far" before marriage should have been a red flag that she is prudish. Nothing wrong with that if you are too, but if you're not then it kind of makes you incompatible.


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## station86 (Apr 2, 2014)

I actually broke up with her because I didn't like doing long distance, but I love her so we got back together. Physical chemistry is not the same thing as love. 

It's a moot point though, because I don't think this is a good reason for divorce at all. Every relationship takes work.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Station, sadly if you hang around this board for long you will see that a lifetime of sexual incompatibility is a very difficult thing to live with. You are right, love is not the same as magnetism. It's not the same as desire - and a woman or man who is starved of feeling desired will be severely damaged over time.

Your story sounds the opposite side of another poster who is in her early 20s, married just over a year and is not desired by her husband in the way she needs. LD Husband Journal is the name of her thread.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

If you were long distance and you have been married just one year, you are still in the getting to know each other stage. What do you love about her?

It would sad to let this go without giving it a good try for a finite period of time. 

I think it may be that the sexual part of your love has not taken traction. The problems are her weight, dress and sexual repertoire. 

Those are things that are fixable. How do you approach it? Would it hurt her more to know how unhappy you are than telling her what will make you happy? 

Do you talk openly about the relationship? Every relationship need content effort to grow. It does not ha[pen automatically. Get her on board with that. Tell her you want the marriage to be the best possible. 

Start reading books. His Needs, Her Needs and The Five Love Languages would be two you should both start with. 

Does she ever tell you want she wants you to change about yourself? If she is initially hurt by your request that she dress differently and lose weight you have to bear up. Support her and let her know you love her. 

You have to help her be more comfortable sexually. It's been a year so you have and the initial settling in. Now you need to be brave, gentle but persistent. 

Her inhibitions will not change without your help. Make sure you make it about both of you. Don't do anything that does not bring her pleasure too.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Whatever you do, don't get her pregnant.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Catherine602 said:


> If you were long distance and you have been married just one year, you are still in the getting to know each other stage. What do you love about her?
> 
> It would sad to let this go without giving it a good try for a finite period of time.
> 
> ...


This is perfect!

I would just add that taking her shopping to buy lingerie is a great way to ease her into dressing a little sexier. Just talk about wanting to take her shopping for sexy wear and see what kinds of items she would be interested in. It's best to start with sexy nighties. Once she is wearing those things regularly, and you're going to have to tell her how hot she looks in them in order for her confidence to grow then you can ease her into teddies, bustiers, corsets, garters and stockings, and then fun costumes!

In terms of sex postitions, what stopping you from rolling over and putting her on top? If she was a virgin, she doesn't know to do these things! 

Send her to Christian nympho, just google it, where she will learn all sorts of sex positive things from a biblical perspective.


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## catfan (Jan 12, 2013)

You hate love making on top because it feels gross...please let this woman go and be with someone that loves her in every way. You two are no match and she deserves someone who thinks better of her!


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Better to divorce. You are going to hurt your wife a lot, but your relationship sounds doomed...

However, is she a good person whose qualities will become apparent over time?

A 35 pound weight gain in a year is significant, very unhealthy. Perhaps she senses that you don't love her and her anxiety is causing her to over eat.


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

station86 said:


> Physical chemistry is not the same thing as love.


True, but is extremely important to sustain a relationship, IMO.

You're young and have no children. Why set yourself up for a lifetime of frustration?


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

I see a number of issues here, many already addressed. Having a long distance relationship for the majority of the time you were dating prior to marriage has to make it very hard to figure out if you two were truly a good match. That's one thing to keep in mind for IF you elect to divorce, don't make the same mistake the 2nd time around.

What I also see is the "niceguy problem" with the genders reversed. Why did you marry your wife? I'm guessing that you thought of her as a great girl (nice guy), dependable (a good provider), would be a great mom (great dad) and someone that mom and dad would like. 

If the above paragraph is off the mark, then the next thing I'd look at is the weight gain. Gaining 35 lbs in one year of marriage is a lot. To shift gears, are you feeling cheated? Does it feel like you were sold A but are now receiving B in a bait and switch?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> I see a number of issues here, many already addressed. Having a long distance relationship for the majority of the time you were dating prior to marriage has to make it very hard to figure out if you two were truly a good match. That's one thing to keep in mind for IF you elect to divorce, don't make the same mistake the 2nd time around.
> 
> What I also see is the "niceguy problem" with the genders reversed. Why did you marry your wife? I'm guessing that you thought of her as a great girl (nice guy), dependable (a good provider), would be a great mom (great dad) and someone that mom and dad would like.
> 
> If the above paragraph is off the mark, then the next thing I'd look at is the weight gain. Gaining 35 lbs in one year of marriage is a lot. To shift gears, are you feeling cheated? Does it feel like you were sold A but are now receiving B in a bait and switch?



Maybe she's gained weight because her husband isn't attracted to her and her self esteem is shot. She knows what's going on, and I don't get the impression he was all that attracted to her before the extra 35 pounds. If anyone got the bait and switch it was her.....

OP, let your wife go so she can find someone that does want her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

I was married for 20 years to a "mismatch." Sexually, we were mismatched, but it went way beyond that. He was a professional, loved country clubs, golf, preppy clothes, and just generally very conservative. I appreciate all of those things, but when it comes right down to it, I'm a ripped-jeans, outdoorsy, edgy gal who loves motorcycles, guns, hitting the gym, hard rock and an ice cold beer.

Don't get me wrong, I'm an educated professional too (used to be a teacher, then worked in the corporate world) but our personalities were just so "off" that it was hard for us to be playful, flirty, sexually turned on, all of the things that give a relationship that "spark" and make it special.

You should do some deep soul-searching and self-reflection. Ask yourself if you will ever have that spark that is so necessary in a successful long-term marriage. I think you already know the answer.

Then make a decision. You are both still young. Don't spend years and years trying to fit a square peg into a round hole.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

lifeistooshort said:


> Maybe she's gained weight because her husband isn't attracted to her and her self esteem is shot. She knows what's going on, and I don't get the impression he was all that attracted to her before the extra 35 pounds. If anyone got the bait and switch it was her.....
> 
> OP, let your wife go so she can find someone that does want her.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That could explain the sudden weight gain for the wife. Truth is we don't know, so any info received is from the POV of the husband. I'm guessing both of them may be feeling cheated after getting married.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

About the weight gain, I was thinking it was probably just due to contentment. I know several women who did this after getting married, just let it go. Also what he was saying about the way she dresses - I assumed this was sloppy/lazy dressing, sweats and yoga pants, I don't have to try anymore - kind of thing. 

If she completely let things go after marriage I can see how that could happen. She no longer felt the need to pursue her husband. Perhaps she has the belief that marriage does not take ongoing maintenance in the attraction department.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

It seems like you two have very different personalities and you married her just because she looked good and was available. 

Maybe you can get her to change. With time maybe she will become more comfortable. 

But it is probably something you should change in yourself because you have control of you and not her. It will not be any easier for her to change than for you to change.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

MissScarlett said:


> About the weight gain, I was thinking it was probably just due to contentment. I know several women who did this after getting married, just let it go. Also what he was saying about the way she dresses - I assumed this was sloppy/lazy dressing, sweats and yoga pants, I don't have to try anymore - kind of thing.
> 
> If she completely let things go after marriage I can see how that could happen. She no longer felt the need to pursue her husband. Perhaps she has the belief that marriage does not take ongoing maintenance in the attraction department.


Which would be my initial thoughts to perhaps the OP feeling a bait and switch happened to him. But I suppose she could have gained weight as a reaction to the OP never being truly attracted to her in the first place.


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## Miss Independent (Mar 24, 2014)

I can't believe the op is being blamed for his wife weight gain.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

spinsterdurga said:


> I can't believe the op is being blamed for his wife weight gain.


:iagree:

This has nothing to do with weight gain! It's about him marrying a somewhat prudish, bible-beater, uptight "nice girl" while he himself is an edgy, music-blaring, free-spirited bad-boy.

Never mind the pounds (not his fault, to say the least) look at the compatibility issues. He is not attracted to her. He married the wrong person.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

MissScarlett said:


> Station, sadly if you hang around this board for long you will see that a lifetime of sexual incompatibility is a very difficult thing to live with. You are right, love is not the same as magnetism. It's not the same as desire - and a woman or man who is starved of feeling desired will be severely damaged over time.
> 
> Your story sounds the opposite side of another poster who is in her early 20s, married just over a year and is not desired by her husband in the way she needs. LD Husband Journal is the name of her thread.


:iagree:

Honey, is that you?


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## station86 (Apr 2, 2014)

What do I love about her? 

She has a very solid faith and is very reassuring and supportive. She doesn't sweat the small stuff and always does thoughtful things and places me first. For instance, if I'm gone for a long weekend she will have a nice meal made and will give me a long long massage. That's just one example of her unselfishness, she almost always only wants to do things we both want to do. If anything sometimes it's too much attention. She doesn't yell. She's the first girl I've dated who hasn't just gotten along with my family, but actually had real solid relationships with them. If I wasn't around she could (and did) still hang out with my sister, etc. Probably most importantly we see the world (mostly) similarly. We are both very into public service (she wants to work with at risk kids) and have a very similar world view. I also love her sense of humor, which I think is really important when it comes to chemistry and personalities bonding.



Anon Pink said:


> This is perfect!
> In terms of sex postitions, what stopping you from rolling over and putting her on top? If she was a virgin, she doesn't know to do these things!


Actually, she wasn't a virgin when we got married. She had a lot more sexual experience than I did. I know that her weight is the primary reason she doesn't like being on top often, but if I ask she will. This is a good example of the larger problem I think. Doing things is important, but _how_ you do them is equally important. When we were dating we once had this weird discussion where she revealed to me how she always thought that just being pretty was all you really needed. I have brought up




Plan 9 from OS said:


> Does it feel like you were sold A but are now receiving B in a bait and switch?


To an extent, yes.




lifeistooshort said:


> Maybe she's gained weight because her husband isn't attracted to her and her self esteem is shot.


No, I always tell her she is beautiful; although we have also discussed losing weight. I think part of the problem was moving across the country to a small town where she knew no one. She was use to working out with friends at the local (free) community center. She just recently came out of a depression as she's gotten to know people here. 

I also think she has a difficult time losing weight in a _healthy_ manner. She only goes to the gym at very odd hours (like midnight) because she doesn't want people to see her. Sometimes she goes running outside, sometimes she feels to "fat" (I NEVER call her this) to do this. Half of the time she ends up only running for a mile because of her knees, but when she goes to the gym she does get in a good 40 minute work out. Sometimes she goes a while without working out or skips certain activities because she's very afraid of "bulking" because she believes she gains muscle mass way too quickly. 

Her diet is also pretty back and forth. When we met and when we were dating I thought she was muchhhhh more into nutrition than I was. She was into juicing, she was telling me about the miracle of coconut oil, etc. stuff I never heard of before. However, now that we're married I see that it's very typical for her to drink a bunch of kale juice earlier only to eat a bunch of nutella straight out of the jar later in the day or vice versa. When we go out she'll often get 2 cookies with her meal and sometimes she'll go through a box of poptarts or cookies in 2 days. I made the mistake of coming across as too harsh about this early in our marriage, so I've had to tread lightly in this area ever since because she gets upset. I notice that what she eats is often influenced by what I eat. For instance, if I get a large burger with lots of sides she'll end up adding a large ice cream and a large coke to go with her salad. It's difficult because I burn a lot of calories in my work, it's not uncommon for me to run 5 miles a day in training or to hike several miles working out in the woods and I'm also 6'1. If I order something small then she'll often go small, but then I'm left really hungry. I don't want to be a jerk about it though.

There's more to address, but I'll leave it at that for the time being until later. Thanks guys.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Sadly, I think you both married the wrong person. I doubt that this can be fixed. It sucks to not feel passion for the person you married, and especially so when you've been married so short a time. You are trying your best to deal with this, but soon you'll have to face up to the fact that you're living a lie.

But, if you don't want her, you don't want her. You are different in your attitudes and values, and simply not compatible.


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## roseblssm6 (Mar 29, 2014)

I met my husband online when we were teenagers. We got married (me at 17 almost 18, and he was 18) without really having an in person relationship. We visited each other a bunch of times first but because we were religious and didn't want to keep having sex without being married we really really really jumped the gun and got married. So it's possible my own personal experience might be a little biased here. There is an attraction issue for me sometimes. We have three kids and have been together for 10 years. I'm pretty committed, but I'm telling you if you feel this way already, and the attraction is a problem think seriously about getting out now. You have plenty of chance to meet someone else. The longer it goes on like that the more you'll feel obliged to stay, especially if you have a child at some point. If I could go back to those first days of marriage I would cut my losses and start over. 

I echo what someone else said too. Don't get her pregnant.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Mowing through a box of pop-tarts or a whole package of cookies in two days is A LOT of extra calories for a woman. And that's a far cry from juicing and coconut oil.

I do believe there is a real bait and switch here. I am on the record that you two just don't seem very compatible. You shouldn't have to tap-dance around topics as mundane as what she's eating, what YOU can or can't order at a restaurant for fear of egging on HER eating spree, whether or not she feels too fat to be seen in public , etc.

You want her to mount you on top and ride you like a cowboy with unbridled passion. However, I would venture to guess that you're getting the vanilla version instead. I'll go way out on a limb and guess that all other positions are probably vanilla as well. I don't see how this gets resolved.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

OP, is her mom overweight?


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

station86 said:


> I also think she has a difficult time losing weight in a _healthy_ manner. *She only goes to the gym at very odd hours (like midnight) because she doesn't want people to see her.* *Sometimes she goes running outside, sometimes she feels to "fat" (I NEVER call her this) to do this.* Half of the time she ends up only running for a mile because of her knees, but when she goes to the gym she does get in a good 40 minute work out. Sometimes she goes a while without working out or skips certain activities because she's very afraid of "bulking" because she believes she gains muscle mass way too quickly.
> 
> *Her diet is also pretty back and forth. When we met and when we were dating I thought she was muchhhhh more into nutrition than I was. She was into juicing, she was telling me about the miracle of coconut oil, etc. stuff I never heard of before. However, now that we're married I see that it's very typical for her to drink a bunch of kale juice earlier only to eat a bunch of nutella straight out of the jar later in the day or vice versa. *When we go out she'll often get 2 cookies with her meal and *sometimes she'll go through a box of poptarts or cookies in 2 days*. I made the mistake of coming across as too harsh about this early in our marriage, so I've had to tread lightly in this area ever since because she gets upset. I notice that what she eats is often influenced by what I eat. For instance, if I get a large burger with lots of sides she'll end up adding a large ice cream and a large coke to go with her salad. It's difficult because I burn a lot of calories in my work, it's not uncommon for me to run 5 miles a day in training or to hike several miles working out in the woods and I'm also 6'1. If I order something small then she'll often go small, but then I'm left really hungry. I don't want to be a jerk about it though.
> 
> There's more to address, but I'll leave it at that for the time being until later. Thanks guys.


It sounds to me like she may have some disordered thinking/behaviors surrounding food and exercise. Do you know if she ever suffered from an eating disorder? Alternately, is she very scattered in other areas of her life?

It just seems to me like there's something a little "off" about being so back and forth with her eating and exercise habits.


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## station86 (Apr 2, 2014)

Another things I love about her is that she understands me better than anyone else has. She's very good with reading people. To use a metaphor, we definitely have the embers of a deep loving relationship, but I miss the sparks and high flames.

I see this as something that needs to be worked on. I have never had the perspective, for right or wrong, that this is something that you should divorce over. I said I do, for better, or for worse. It also matters that our families are very conservative, and divorce would really mess things up. We are both close with the opposite family.



WorkingOnMe said:


> OP, is her mom overweight?


Yeah, her mom has diabetes issues and is very overweight. One of her sisters is quite overweight and the other is skinny/normal. She was about 145 when we got engaged, about 160 when we got married and something around 180 now. She's close to 5'8.



Rowan said:


> It sounds to me like she may have some disordered thinking/behaviors surrounding food and exercise. Do you know if she ever suffered from an eating disorder? Alternately, is she very scattered in other areas of her life?


She was extremely bulimic from between 6 and 8 years ago, almost died in rehab, and then rebounded. The last time she threw up was 5 years ago. Two of her three best friends were bulimic. I know one of them has been throwing up lately.

She reads about health and nutrition all the time, but I feel like we have a difference of opinion on the basics. She used to eat a lot of fruit, but now she says that natural sugars make her gain weight for some reason and processed ones like mochas and cookies don't. My perspective is that food is fuel and whatever your body doesn't use it stores as fat.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

I have something in common with your wife then, I was also hospitalized with bulimia during high school. 

Obvious statement, but people who have eating disorders have issues in many other areas of life. Fixating on body size, eating, calories, food myths, etc is a good excuse to not focus on what is really wrong with your life. 

Women who have eating disorders are generally sensitive, empathetic, people pleasers and also have a fairly high rate of childhood sexual abuse. 

In my own case I was raised in a very strict religious environment. On the outside I was probably the picture perfect obedient child. By myself I was consumed with my eating disorder, depression, suicidal thoughts, etc. 

The point of my story - maybe she is as unhappy as you are. Maybe she cannot say it or face it and is turning back to her old habits. 

I haven't thrown up for 26 years - if I went to dinner and ate what you say she is eating I would be consumed with the thought of it. It is a very deeply seated coping mechanism.

If she is binging and not throwing up that is still an eating disorder. She is only playing half of it, perhaps, but it's no less destructive in the end.


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## FrenchFry (Oct 10, 2011)

Her weight gain is directly traceable to her bulimia and depression. If she isn't seeing a qualified Eating Disorder specialist now, I'd give that a suggestion. Just because a bulimic has stopped purging (and really, most bulimics get really really good at hiding this--do not be sure she has stopped--) doesn't mean the disordered thoughts and processes have resolved themselves. I point this out as she is doing a lot of the behaviors unresolved bulimics tend to do--gain a bunch of weight, emotionally eat and have unsubstantiated and contradictory thoughts about nutrition. 

The rest of the emotional stuff other members are probably better at addressing, but as a bulimic (the title takes a lot of work to go away BTW) there are a lot of red flags to me concerning this issue.


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## station86 (Apr 2, 2014)

It's not a daily binging. Some days she will eat smaller portions, or won't eat after 7 or whatever. I've seen much worse binging from other people, like ordering a large pizza and eating it all yourself and then going over to someone else's house for dinner 2 hours later. I do think that her eating habits are unhealthy, but I'm not sure if they are outright binging. 

I don't know how to address the topic of what she should or shouldn't be eating without upsetting her. We had some other problems around New Years and I told her some things she could do that would make me happier. She has done all of things I have asked (which has made me happy) except lose weight. She's actually gained weight, despite joining a gym and going somewhat frequently.

Also, whoever mentioned His Needs Her Needs and the 5 Love Languages was spot on. We read the 5 Love Languages while dating and I think mine is actually different from what I originally thought it was. I used to think it was quality time and physical touch, but now I think that's just because we were gone all the time and it's more like a trifecta of physical touch/words of affirmation/acts of service. Hers is definitely quality time and physical touch, so at least we get lots of cuddling in. That's something I won't complain about. It's great, but it's also very sweet G rated, not very you know... primal.

In regards to His Needs Her Needs I thought it was absolutely spot on. The love bank idea really gelled with my understanding of the situation, and his topics about companionship and needing a wife who enjoys recreational activities that you enjoy really hit home. She thought the book was nearly misogynistic.

Sometimes I wonder if my past experiences have shaped my brain and what turns me on. She used to complain that basically what I wanted was a show. If it's worth anything, I was in theater growing up and I used to write erotica, I also do a lot of public speaking. I enjoy putting on a show. I use to tie my girlfriends to the bed and tease them all over and make them beg before finishing them off. I have done this twice to my wife, but I just really lack the desire to. There's something that keeps me from wanting to. It was good, but it just wasn't the same. Blasting Nine Inch Nails when you have someone tied up, or getting a lapdance or striptease to Def Leppard or Pony by Genuine is all about attitude. I'm a complete sucker for anything theatrical or over the top. Attitude. I get that it doesn't have to be this way for everybody, but this is what I crave.

There are parts of my wife's personality that make it seem like she would be this way. She can be very weird and silly in large groups (though sometimes she's the opposite) and I know she likes dancing to music and acting weird with friends; but I also know that she doesn't bring this out very much for me because she felt pressured by me in the past. I can be very aggressive, and she is very delicate, so for the past 6 months I've just been trying to boost her self esteem around me and treat her right and I've been hoping that she'll end up blooming with confidence and attitude around me.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

If she has gained 35 pounds in a year, like you said, she is eating an extra 11,000 calories per month (generally speaking.) That is above what she is burning and using being alive. That is a significant amount of weight in one year.

Binging doesn't have to be all the food in the house. Binging can be eating Nutella out of the jar - it depends if she is in control or not when she does it. 

Her eating disorder past is making ME suspect that she is relapsing. I don't think you are causing it, I'm not blaming anyone. I'm saying it's quite possible, in my opinion, that she herself is very unhappy right now or she is full of anxiety or something. It could be because she is having the same feelings you are. It could be in reaction to you feeling the way you are. 

You guys are very young, you are both new at the marriage thing. My point being - is marriage or individual counseling an option? I would hate to see this young woman relapse as it sounds like her eating disorder was very severe.

Editing to add that I don't think a conversation about what she should and should not eat is going to help at all. With eating disordered thinking (which she is already indulging in with her strange gym habits and things) it is never about the food. 

Having lived this reality for half my life, I can tell you when the going gets tough - that is right there to fall back on.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

OP, you seem a bit more dismissive of her potential to relapse into bulimia than I think is probably 100% healthy. She nearly died from this before. She is showing signs of this behavior again. It's something you really need to take seriously. But you have to approach it in the right way. Trying to discuss with her what you think she should and should not eat, may feel very controlling to someone with a history of using disordered thinking to provide an aspect of control for herself, and is unlikely to be helpful. It is probably time to consult with a therapist who specifically deals with eating disorders. 

Additionally, you mention that you can be very aggressive. What does that mean?


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## seahorse (Apr 10, 2010)

I believe there are 2 ways a person can be attracted: physically and emotionally. You lack both.

I'm embarrassed to admit I know a bit about this type of dilemma, though the circumstances were slightly different. My own research led to me to only 4 possible conclusions:

A) come clean, then go separate ways
B) come clean, then work together to fix it
C) come clean, then give up and accept fate
D) spend the rest of your life trying to convince yourself this isn't really as big a problem as your heart knows that it is

With all due respect to your situation I hope you would at least contemplate solution (B) to see if perhaps it's workable. The one advice I would not hesitate to offer is to avoid the last one, as it will only further injure both of you (and never works anyway).

As pertains to compatibility -- it often behaves like two people standing on a football field. The more yard lines between them initially, the further they must walk from where they were standing in order to meet each other. The initial distance of separation represents the amount of change required to secure desire, so another way to think of it is: rough approximation of effort. Some marriages must close 20, 30, 40 yards. Yours must close nearly the whole 100.

Practically speaking it will be vastly more difficult for your marriage than for those where compatibility was initially high. This doesn't diminish how rewarding it would be to find genuine desire for each other and sexual connectedness if you can figure it out. If you decide to stay and try, begin building honesty and trust now so that everything can be addressed in time. Good luck.

-seahorse


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## appletree (Oct 9, 2012)

I think you need marriage counseling. This might help you weather you stay together or not. And she needs to see someone for her eating disorder. When I read your post I think there is a part of you who has problems, it might or might not be a mismatch. Was there desire when you dated her?


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

station86 said:


> she'll often get 2 cookies with her meal and sometimes she'll go through a box of poptarts or cookies in 2 days.


Gid rid of the Pop Tarts!! I was shocked when I first looked at the label on those things. Just two of them are about *400 calories*!! You would get less calories from chocolate bars!



station86 said:


> Yeah, her mom has diabetes issues and is very overweight. One of her sisters is quite overweight and the other is skinny/normal. She was about 145 when we got engaged, about 160 when we got married and something around 180 now. She's close to 5'8.


Actually, I don't think 5'8" and 180 lbs is not panic worthy, and wouldn't decrease my attraction much, but to each his own. You can see some photos of women at that size here. If your wife looks bigger than those photos, then maybe she's heavier than you think.

However, yes, it's still over healthy weight. I would be much more concerned about the future: look at her mother now, and that's what your wife will look like in 20-30 years. 



> _She was extremely bulimic from between 6 and 8 years ago, almost died in rehab, and then rebounded. The last time she threw up was 5 years ago. Two of her three best friends were bulimic. I know one of them has been throwing up lately._


Bulimia is destructive to the body, but so is obesity. 



> _She used to eat a lot of fruit, but now she says that natural sugars make her gain weight for some reason and processed ones like mochas and cookies don't._


That is ridiculous.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

> She used to eat a lot of fruit, but now she says that natural sugars make her gain weight for some reason and processed ones like mochas and cookies don't.


Yeah, it is kind of surprising that she has not received better information on healthy diet given her history. I think she still needs to be treated for this. 

You are going to need to work together to get junk foods out of the house and have a healthy diet that limits calories. Personally I think it is better to diet but have a day off one a week. I also like fasting to get rid of that bad empty stomach feeling.

I have lost 30 pounds in the past 9 months just changing my diet and moderate exercise like walking and yard work. 

But anyway I think that no matter what her weight is she is probably not sexual enough for you to be very excited about her. I would guess her weight is only a minor part of that problem.


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## station86 (Apr 2, 2014)

seahorse said:


> IMy own research led to me to only 4 possible conclusions:
> 
> A) come clean, then go separate ways
> B) come clean, then work together to fix it
> ...



Yesterday I attempted to start at point B. She berated me for about 2 hours telling me that I shouldn't dare ask her to lose weight. She told me about all the guys that work with me that want to have sex with her and all the guys in town that look lustfully at her in a way that I don't. She wants sex more. I do too. I guess we have different needs. She accused me of eating
unhealthy and leading our marriage into that because I sometimes get burgers or something late at night after work. She said I'm a complete hypocrite and that she looks absolutely amazing.
I tried to convey the fact that I can still think she's beautiful and still be attracted to her, but would appreciate it more if she stuck with her weight loss plans. This is something she already had planned for herself, but now that I've brought it up it's split up worthy. I have a lot more to say, but I have to go to work. Basically she said we need to live apart. I asked if there was anything else she wanted to tell me before I left and she said that she hopes I suffer long and suffer hard. I simply replied that I hope she feels better and I'm sorry for hurting her and that I love her. So after walking away down the road for about 5 minutes she drove up and picked me up. I teased her and flirted with her for a little bit and she took me back to the apartment. I threw her on the bed and started kissing her, but she seemed confused and it took a while before we had sex. I put more effort into talking dirty to her and trying to be more passionate. She seemed satisfied and said it was good and fell asleep in my arms. I skipped a 5:30am work related activity this morning to sleep in with her and kissed her and said sweet things to her. But when she woke up she wouldn't let me kiss her and told me to be gone when she came back from work. 

So... I don't know what's going to happen from here. We did call our pastor last night to talk with him but he didn't call back until late when we were already in bed. I may meet with him sometime today, but we only have one car - which she has. She also asked that i leave the phone here. I may end up crashing at a friends. We will see.







Rowan said:


> Additionally, you mention that you can be very aggressive. What does that mean?


I used to yell, which was a serious problem for her. I am very happy to say that through being married to her I have gotten to the point where I don't yell anymore, I speak calmly and don't raise my voice when upset now. Also, just personality wise, I like driving fast, I am very goal 




Theseus said:


> Actually, I don't think 5'8" and 180 lbs is not panic worthy, and wouldn't decrease my attraction much, but to each his own. You can see some photos of women at that size here. If your wife looks bigger than those photos, then maybe she's heavier than you think.
> 
> However, yes, it's still over healthy weight. I would be much more concerned about the future: look at her mother now, and that's what your wife will look like in 20-30 years.


I totally agree. Actually, to try to clarify my point, it's not that her current weight is so unattractive, I do think she's very pretty, it's more a matter of gaining weight after getting a gym membership, it's steadily increasing size after getting married, it's her seeing this as me wanting to change who she is and me feeling like she doesn't care to take care of herself in a way that would be more attractive to me, and it's her past. Her mom is very overweight and suffers from diabetes, is in the process of beginning to go blind.


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## station86 (Apr 2, 2014)

seahorse said:


> IMy own research led to me to only 4 possible conclusions:
> 
> A) come clean, then go separate ways
> B) come clean, then work together to fix it
> ...



Yesterday I attempted to start at point B. She berated me for about 2 hours telling me that I shouldn't dare ask her to lose weight. She told me about all the guys that work with me that want to have sex with her and all the guys in town that look lustfully at her in a way that I don't. She wants sex more. I do too. I guess we have different needs. She accused me of eating
unhealthy and leading our marriage into that because I sometimes get burgers or something late at night after work. She said I'm a complete hypocrite and that she looks absolutely amazing.
I tried to convey the fact that I can still think she's beautiful and still be attracted to her, but would appreciate it more if she stuck with her weight loss plans. This is something she already had planned for herself, but now that I've brought it up it's split up worthy. I have a lot more to say, but I have to go to work. Basically she said we need to live apart. I asked if there was anything else she wanted to tell me before I left and she said that she hopes I suffer long and suffer hard. I simply replied that I hope she feels better and I'm sorry for hurting her and that I love her. So after walking away down the road for about 5 minutes she drove up and picked me up. I teased her and flirted with her for a little bit and she took me back to the apartment. I threw her on the bed and started kissing her, but she seemed confused and it took a while before we had sex. I put more effort into talking dirty to her and trying to be more passionate. She seemed satisfied and said it was good and fell asleep in my arms. I skipped a 5:30am work related activity this morning to sleep in with her and kissed her and said sweet things to her. But when she woke up she wouldn't let me kiss her and told me to be gone when she came back from work. 

So... I don't know what's going to happen from here. We did call our pastor last night to talk with him but he didn't call back until late when we were already in bed. I may meet with him sometime today, but we only have one car - which she has. She also asked that i leave the phone here. I may end up crashing at a friends. We will see.







Rowan said:


> Additionally, you mention that you can be very aggressive. What does that mean?


I used to yell, which was a serious problem for her. I am very happy to say that through being married to her I have gotten to the point where I don't yell anymore, I speak calmly and don't raise my voice when upset now. Also, just personality wise, I like driving fast, I am very goal 




Theseus said:


> Actually, I don't think 5'8" and 180 lbs is not panic worthy, and wouldn't decrease my attraction much, but to each his own. You can see some photos of women at that size here. If your wife looks bigger than those photos, then maybe she's heavier than you think.
> 
> However, yes, it's still over healthy weight. I would be much more concerned about the future: look at her mother now, and that's what your wife will look like in 20-30 years.


I totally agree. Actually, to try to clarify my point, it's not that her current weight is so unattractive, I do think she's very pretty, it's more a matter of gaining weight after getting a gym membership, it's steadily increasing size after getting married, it's her seeing this as me wanting to change who she is and me feeling like she doesn't care to take care of herself in a way that would be more attractive to me, and it's her past. Her mom is very overweight and suffers from diabetes, is in the process of beginning to go blind.


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## station86 (Apr 2, 2014)

I attempted to talk about this subject, specifically weight loss, yesterday. I approached the subject very gently but was told that I was completely wrong for asking and that I should be more appreciative. Then she told me of all the guys out there who want to have sex with me, and that one of my friends was staring lustfully at her. That lots of guys think she's absolutely smoking hot and that it's my problem. Then she said she wants me gone and wants to separate.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

station86 said:


> Then she said she wants me gone and wants to separate.


That sounds like a win-win scenario for you both.


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

Married but Happy said:


> That sounds like a win-win scenario for you both.


Possibly true. What's your take on all of this, Station?


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## station86 (Apr 2, 2014)

Theseus said:


> However, yes, it's still over healthy weight. I would be much more concerned about the future: look at her mother now, and that's what your wife will look like in 20-30 years.


Her mom is seriously obese and is starting to go blind from diabetes. I would be more attracted to her if she lost weight, but that doesn't mean that I'm not attracted to her right now, because I am. I'm more bothered because I feel like she doesn't care to try to look a certain way for me, and she told me that exactly yesterday, and that she's been consistently gaining weight and then blaming it on me when she's the one ordering 2 cookies and a coke with her sub, eating boxes of poptarts, and then talking to old bulimic friends who are now throwing up etc. Does that make sense?


I think this is a really dumb reason for separation and would be a horrible reason for divorce.

Her losing weight is not remotely worth splitting up to me. What bothers me infinitely more is that it is to her. She told me that I should have just married someone skinnier and that I had the chance before we got married and it's my fault. Then last night she went on about how she was never going to ever eat again, after telling me it was my fault and that I'm not very healthy. She told me to leave. I asked if there was anything else she wanted to tell me before I went and she told me that she hopes I suffer long and I suffer hard and that I go through immense amounts of pain. I told her that I'm sorry that I hurt her and that I hope she feels better and that I love her. I got about 5 minutes down the road when she picked me up. I flirted with her after that, telling her I knew she couldn't take being away from me that long. She took me home where I said a lot of sweet things and then threw her down on the bed and kissed her. She seemed very mixed emotions about it, and then we eventually had sex. She seemed satisfied and curled up in my arms and nodded when I asked if she loved me. Then this morning I skipped a work related event to stay in with her. I tried kissing her and saying sweet things to her but she wouldn't let me kiss me and told me that she was going to work and to get out and leave the phone and not come back for a while.

I guess I should have just never brought it up and realize that this is just a sacrifice (not being able to talk about it) that I am going to have to make.

Our pastor met up with me on my lunch break and we talked. Basically he said that he was very glad I was willing to work at this and that it's not really a right or wrong issue, but it's just a matter of opinion and likes and dislikes and so it's something we have to compromise and come together on. He thinks it's mostly a big deal because of things in her/our past, and that I should just not bring it up ever. Wife was going to meet with us but she had work, so I think we will try to get together again at another point. Not sure yet if I'm willing to move out.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

This all says a lot about her attitude and commitment. And maybe that's what's affecting your attraction.


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

Well Station, I guess I was pretty surprised at her response as well. The part about other men wanting to have sex with her certainly raised a few red flags, and she seemed to jump pretty quickly to separation. 

But by the same token I don't know how you two have talked about, or how she feels about it. Knowing that your spouse isn't attracted to you is or at least can be pretty damn crushing. Your wife's statements could be simply lashing out from pain, or she could be serious. It's going to take a serious conversation to figure out which.

I wouldn't be in a hurry to move out either, but you're going to have to dig deep to figure out what you want. I know, it's one thing to quit and another thing entirely to be fired. Could that be part of it? Attraction IMO is vital in a marriage, maybe especially so in a young marriage. Do you honestly think you could ever find that attraction, regardless of her weight?


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

station86 said:


> First of all, I love my wife. She is amazing in a lot of different ways. But I don't want her.
> 
> Second of all, we are both HD. I want sex (in general) a lot, but I don't want to have sex with her. It eats me up inside every day. I have sex because I love her and want to make her happy, or because I just want sex, but not because I desire her. I try not to let on to this. It is not because I want someone else, because I don't, although sometimes I wonder if I want her to _be_ someone else; and the thought of possibly wanting to change her makes me feel sick and guilty.
> 
> ...


darlin' very simple... you are addicted to adrenaline... your past dysfuctional relationships gave you adrenaline hits and you are addicted. 

I walk the same road, so I recognize it.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

and I see immaturity in communication ... 

Regardless of what happens with this relationship, look up ACOA. Adult Children of Alcoholics. Look at the Laundry list and see if it rings any bells for you.


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## station86 (Apr 2, 2014)

ACOA was pretty interesting. No one in her family suffers from alcoholism, although she grew up without a father when all of her older (half) siblings had one and her mom was pretty mentally vacant during her childhood due to her previous marriage. That's not to say that I don't love her mom or her family, I would miss them if anything ever happened.

I do find her attractive, just not as attractive as I used to, which bothered me considering we just got married. I am willing to put some effort in and just act like it. Sometimes if you say something enough and act on it enough you end up believing it anyway.



WorkingOnMe said:


> This all says a lot about her attitude and commitment. And maybe that's what's affecting your attraction.


You pretty much just nailed it.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

station86 said:


> You pretty much just nailed it.



That's how I roll. lol


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

station86 said:


> ACOA was pretty interesting. No one in her family suffers from alcoholism, although she grew up without a father when all of her older (half) siblings had one and her mom was pretty mentally vacant during her childhood due to her previous marriage. That's not to say that I don't love her mom or her family, I would miss them if anything ever happened.
> 
> I do find her attractive, just not as attractive as I used to, which bothered me considering we just got married. I am willing to put some effort in and just act like it. Sometimes if you say something enough and act on it enough you end up believing it anyway.
> 
> ...


I was talking about you being an ACOA.. and it includes dysfunctional families... not just alcoholics


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## station86 (Apr 2, 2014)

Oh, haha, no. My parents are both together. No one in my family did drugs or sex before marriage or anything. Pretty much all squares. Not that I don't have problems. We all do.


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## station86 (Apr 2, 2014)

Basically things getting worse instead of better. I've only said nice things to her since this all went down, but she wants to separate. No one has moved as of yet, however. I don't think it should have come to this.


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## seahorse (Apr 10, 2010)

I confided in a marriage counselor / pastor also. Two of them actually. Ignore the advice to never bring it up. (He is wrong.)

Raise the issue from time to time, but gently -- with all genuine kindness and support for her emotional well being. She is asking you to lie to her as an insulation against her [unfounded] fear that losing her husband's desire is synonymous with losing his love. 

My 2 lost decades were spent placating my wife's feelings and denying my own needs in the process. It almost destroyed me.


Just my 2 cents. Good luck
-seahorse




station86 said:


> Her mom is seriously obese and is starting to go blind from diabetes. I would be more attracted to her if she lost weight, but that doesn't mean that I'm not attracted to her right now, because I am. I'm more bothered because I feel like she doesn't care to try to look a certain way for me, and she told me that exactly yesterday, and that she's been consistently gaining weight and then blaming it on me when she's the one ordering 2 cookies and a coke with her sub, eating boxes of poptarts, and then talking to old bulimic friends who are now throwing up etc. Does that make sense?
> 
> 
> I think this is a really dumb reason for separation and would be a horrible reason for divorce.
> ...


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

station86 said:


> Basically things getting worse instead of better. I've only said nice things to her since this all went down, but she wants to separate. No one has moved as of yet, however. I don't think it should have come to this.


What reason did she give for wanting to separate?


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