# Baby, work, stress = negative sexual tension



## Hiccup in Happyland (Jun 10, 2010)

Hi all,

Just joined, never thought I would actually, but it beats considering cheating. 

Short verison is, been with my wife for 10 years, married for 8 - mostly very happy, she's my best friend and we're great generally.

We now have a 9 month old - blessing from the sky, he brings us so much joy and love, BUT, our schedule with baby, our long tough hours at work (we're both attorneys), and no family or friends really available to help, plus the "normal" little stressors of life have lead to very limited sex since he was born.

I'm very creative and very much a romantic and communicator, but lately, it's been really rough. We either stay too busy, or when we potentially have time to do something, always, always something comes up...a little misunderstaning that boils up, random tension, etc.... 

Very frustrated, because again, usually we're great, and I've heard sex stops after babies, but come on, I didn't believe it! 

Plus, if and when we DO have sex, it's what I deem homework sex, - we used to be wild and crazy and have great long sessions. I refuse to believe that I simply have to let go of that part of our relationship just because our life schedule is more full.

Your input and advice is greatly appreciated,
HIH


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

i am sorry to tell you but in most cases, new mothers become completely focused on raising and nuturing their child, and there is no focus on you. it takes a tremedous amount of effort from mommy to take care of baby and as you state, there is usually nothing left for you. it is what it is, i have dealt with it 3 times and it might get better when the kids are older and less dependent, or it might not. however, in my case i knew i was a willing partner in the decision to have kids and i tried to do my best to hold up my end of things. patience and understanding is what you must have to survive


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## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

Not ALL mommies do that. The baby is only 9 months old. The first year is the hardest, hands down. Not only in dealing with the adjustment to a first baby, but your wifes hormones are likely just now beginning to get back to normal. There is also the possibility of post partum depression, which can show anywhere in the first year after baby is born. Feelings of being overwhelmed, pressure at work, and likely a bit of guilt for leaving your son to work...the short temper, fights over insignificant things, extreme loss of sleep....it can all really wear on a new mom...and a new dad. 
All I can say is be there for her...be as active as possible in your role as daddy, make sure you BOTH get some down time, alone away from the house, and together, even if its just curling up together and watching a movie. Eventually, she will get back on track. But honestly, if you notice signs of depression in her, encourage her to talk to her ob/gyn or family doc. Many women don't realize this might be an issue because they are caught up in the whirlwind of adjustment.
(and for the record, my boys are 2 and 4...and our sex life is amazing...it took a brief dip after each boy, but it came back. )


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## Hiccup in Happyland (Jun 10, 2010)

Thank you all for your input! We are both stressed, and sleep deprived, but merely relying on patience is not enough.

I too am a very active father, the joke having been made that if I produced milk, I would have been the perfect father. So I empathize with all that she has been going through, and this was a planned pregnancy, I'm just trying to regain and reenergize the sex slice of the chart that helped make what we had so strong and so special. 

Sex was always a very big and very important aspect of our relationship. 

Now, I feel frustrated, puzzled, and frankly alone, as I really can't discuss this with anyone.

That's why your all so helpful.

Many thanks!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

My wife and I still have a highly sexual marriage after being together 21 years and having 3 kids. This is all based on my direct experience.

There is a way to get through this transition so both of you are happy. It requires equal effort from each. 

On any given night each of you is in 1 of 3 states:
1. actively aroused without any stimulus
2. neutral but capable of being aroused if approached correctly
3. out of commission sexually (extreme fatigue, bad emotional state, etc.)

You and your wife are used to her being in state 1 way more often than she is now. 

Step 1: You both need to learn some low key communication mechanism whereby you as the high drive spouse can tell when she is in state 3. Because if you approach her in that state she will feel resentment/pressure, and you will end up feeling rejected and angry. 

Step 2: She needs to teach you how to approach her when she is in state 2, so that you can arouse her in a way that is not unpleasant for her. For some women that is the slow gentle approach. Maybe it starts with a massage coupled with some loving talk about how good she looks to you. For others, they want you to be dominant and literally start with an intense look and some verbal command like "strip" or they want you to approach, pin them against the wall and kiss them without a word. Mid cycle - near ovulation most women are aroused by more aggressive, edgy behavior. 

Step 3: You should agree on some approximate frequency you can both live with. And the nights you aren't going to have sex, even if she is in state 2, do NOT radiate sexual desire at her. Nothing kills desire faster than a partner who is constantly coming across as sexually needy. So the nights you aren't going to connect, hit the mute button on any sexual behavior at all, verbal or non verbal. 

The hardest thing for me was to learn on those nights to be affectionate in a non-sexual way. Most women like that. 

You also want to try to identify sexual triggers for her. Could be watching a movie with a steamy love scene, could be you joking with her in a teasing manner - not mean - but playful. Could be literally wrestling with her in the afternoon on weekend days. Wrestling in a playful manner often hits some deep desire triggers in a woman. 

You also need to get her to tell you if you are doing anything that turns her "off". 



Hiccup in Happyland said:


> Thank you all for your input! We are both stressed, and sleep deprived, but merely relying on patience is not enough.
> 
> I too am a very active father, the joke having been made that if I produced milk, I would have been the perfect father. So I empathize with all that she has been going through, and this was a planned pregnancy, I'm just trying to regain and reenergize the sex slice of the chart that helped make what we had so strong and so special.
> 
> ...


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

I was at a friend's house one day, a friend whose new baby was 2-3 weeks old. She polished her toenails while she and I sat in the kitchen talking. Her husband came in from work and complained "You're polishing your toenails?" And proceeded to complain that she didn't show him any attention anymore. Her response was, "I wanted to do my nails since it's been so long since I was able to see them, much less touch them." She and I laughed at her response, but I seriously wanted to slap him.

So my question is: What kind of new father are you to your wife as her husband? I get that you help with the baby, but are you adding to her stress, while being demanding and expecting sex? I ask because this paragraph got my attention and just might be of some concern.........

"_I'm very creative and very much a romantic and communicator, but lately, it's been really rough. We either stay too busy, or when we potentially have time to do something, always, always something comes up...a little misunderstaning that boils up, random tension, etc._"

It makes me wonder of your contribution. I find it surprising that although you'd rather not consider cheating as indicated by your first sentence, you are thinking that "considering cheating" is an option. So how can that happen if "_We either stay too busy, or when we potentially have time to do something, always, always something comes up._" You'd have to make time to consider cheating, and you'd have to make time to do the cheating were that your decision. But why is it that making time for your wife is not afforded at least equal value? She just might be wondering what happened to that "_very creative and very much a romantic and communicator_" guy she married. He is now someone who feels it's been too rough to be that guy for her. He has also become a guy who is expecting sex from someone whom he admits is stressed out but says lately it has been too rough to do the things he used to do and she likes, but he's still expecting sex. I'm wondering if she has discovered she has two babies now. The one that's bigger and probably older than she is finds reason to bicker and readily donates "_a little misunderstaning that boils up_" rather than the self-professed communicator she used to know.

So please tell us.....What kind of new father are you to your wife as her husband?


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

S2010,
Your questions may be valid. It is also true that many women are used to being naturally desirous of their H and post children when they are typically in a neutral state - they respond in a highly negative manner to the H expressing desire even if overall he IS being very supportive. 

For a man whose wife is satisfied with his overall contribution in terms of workload and non-sexual interaction, the way this comes across is that she simply doesn't love him that much. VERY painful. And I am not suggesting he can't improve/be more supportive, but if the CORE issue is that she feels fine about saying no to sex accept when she starts out aroused, this marriage is much more likely to suffer infidelity/divorce. 

If the situation he described had happened without intro of a baby I would be more inclined to think it was a relationship problem, but babies change hormone levels in a scary way. And without a non-combative way to honestly come to a compromise , marriages suffer. 




Susan2010 said:


> I was at a friend's house one day, a friend whose new baby was 2-3 weeks old. She polished her toenails while she and I sat in the kitchen talking. Her husband came in from work and complained "You're polishing your toenails?" And proceeded to complain that she didn't show him any attention anymore. Her response was, "I wanted to do my nails since it's been so long since I was able to see them, much less touch them." She and I laughed at her response, but I seriously wanted to slap him.
> 
> So my question is: What kind of new father are you to your wife as her husband? I get that you help with the baby, but are you adding to her stress, while being demanding and expecting sex? I ask because this paragraph got my attention and just might be of some concern.........
> 
> ...


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## leeann (Jun 7, 2010)

I know how you fell....me aand my husband have been together 5 years and married 1 and we have a 6 month old baby girl....All my husband does is work and I stay at home with the baby and I do all the house work....But my advice is just give her time she will come around..Me and my husband are just now getting back to the sex life before the baby...It is just a thing most women go threw...


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