# How to survive alone in marriage life?



## 347233 (Nov 25, 2020)

We married 12 years without sex for 6.5 years. My husband lost desire, low sex drive since the beginning of our relationship. 

We have kids together. 

I need affectionate, passionate, feel loved as a wife but never get even a kiss or hug from him.

He is a good father, hard-working and that's it.

I want some tips or suggestions ”How to survive by myself in the marriage life?”

I am in shape and workout and I know since the pandemic we can't do other things much.

I can't divorce right now because I am just a housewife, but going to school in the IT field. Once I get a job I will ask him for a divorce I know he won't want to. 

He doesn't realize at all how suffer I am to feel unwanted and unloved. I cried sleeping almost every night. 

I tried to survive alone for years but still so lonely. I even tried to talk to a men on Craigslist but it turned out annoyed and boring. 

Thank you for any advice.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Itiyou34 said:


> We married 12 years without sex for 6.5 years. My husband lost desire, low sex drive since the beginning of our relationship.
> 
> We have kids together.
> 
> ...


Please don’t cheat. No matter the litany of issues you have, and rightly so with your husband, please don’t even try to talk to other men right now. You are ripe for an affair. By going on Craigslist... I personally would consider that cheating... that’s a twisty mess of issues on that road. Don’t do it. Instead, I think you should put the effort and frustration into planning your future, your goals, assessing why you chose this man as your husband and settled for a person who was unmatched to your needs all along and continued this for 6.5 years of essentially being abandoned by your husband. I am not guilting or blaming you, but these are things you need to come to terms with before finding someone new anyhow...


When will you complete your IT degree? Does he make decent money? Start figuring out where you will live, what you want as far as custody arrangements. Maybe see a lawyer now to figure out what you might be able to do now instead of later? I think if you start making your solid plans, have concrete goals you will be able to emotionally and physically move toward that end, and probably feel a lot better in the mean time. That’s just my suggestion. 

Have you already had an affair or are you considering one presently?


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## 347233 (Nov 25, 2020)

I think it will be a year and a half to finish. I just talked to the men and never meet them then I get bored and stop looking. I am so lonely and I don't have friends not social to hang. 

I just need to have some money first so that I can ask for a divorce. I told him many times about divorce he thought I am kidding. He didn't realize I am very suffering from being lonely. 



QuietRiot said:


> Please don’t cheat. No matter the litany of issues you have, and rightly so with your husband, please don’t even try to talk to other men right now. You are ripe for an affair. By going on Craigslist... I would consider that cheating... that’s a twisty mess of issues on that road. Don’t do it. Instead, I think you should put the effort and frustration into planning your future, your goals, assessing why you chose this man as your husband and settled for a person who was unmatched to your needs all along and continued this for 6.5 years of essentially being abandoned by your husband. I am not guilting or blaming you, but these are things you need to come to terms with before finding someone new anyhow...
> 
> 
> When will you complete your IT degree? Does he make decent money? Start figuring out where you will live, what you want as far as custody arrangements. Maybe see a lawyer now to figure out what you might be able to do now instead of later? I think if you start making your solid plans, have concrete goals you will be able to emotionally and physically move toward that end, and probably feel a lot better in the meantime. That’s just my suggestion.
> ...


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Itiyou34 said:


> I think it will be a year and a half to finish. I just talked to the men and never meet them then I get bored and stop looking. I am so lonely and I don't have friends not social to hang.
> 
> I just need to have some money first so that I can ask for a divorce. I told him many times about divorce he thought I am kidding. He didn't realize I am very suffering from being lonely.


I completely understand. You’ve been physically and emotionally abandoned, that’s painful and devastating! A year and a half of living this way is going to be a long time... but you’ve been doing it for 6.5 years.

Can you take up any classes and hobbies to fill your time when he isn’t working? (which I understand is a lot) You should still get a consultation with a lawyer and bring your financial paperwork so they can help you understand your situation and plan accordingly. These are crazy times but you need some girlfriends in your life to keep from going insane! These are just bandaids... the solution is to get your own life. The sooner you can do that the better. I can imagine how painful this must be to talk about and have your needs blown off. Sorry you have to go through this.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Many of us have been in that place at some point or other. The key thing is that your happiness should never depend on someone else. You say you do not even have friends, which to me means you put everything on your family and expect to have all your needs met from that source alone which is very unhealthy.
How old are your kids? Can't you join the PTA, on online social group, a reading group, etc? What are your hobbies?
It may be that your loneliness is self inflicted because you do not make the effort to socialise etc. The more you focus on your hardworking husband the more difficult it becomes. In addition, you keep telling this man you will divorce him will not give him any incentive to be emotionally close to you, can't you see that?
Why don't you simply try for a few weeks, hug him, kiss him, touch him, treat him well (I am sure he knows you are resentful, it oozes from your post). The more you give, the more you will receive, try it!


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## Lance Mannion (Nov 24, 2020)

Itiyou34 said:


> *He doesn't realize* at all how suffer I am to feel unwanted and unloved. I cried sleeping almost every night.


Why do you expect him to be a mindreader?


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## Lance Mannion (Nov 24, 2020)

Itiyou34 said:


> I told him many times about divorce *he thought I am kidding*. He *didn't realize* I am very suffering from being lonely.


This is now partly on you. You KNOW that he doesn't understand the full gravity of your feelings and his actions. We can all argue about how he SHOULD know, but it's very clear from your own writing here that even you know that he's not getting it.

Make him understand that you're not joking. Lots of husbands are surprised by walkaway-wives, they never see it coming. You've already talked to him, so that's good. Most wives who talk to their husband know that the husband heard them and didn't care, meaning he believes what he is hearing from the wife but just doesn't think it's worth his effort to invest in change to make her happy. You seem to be getting some of that from your husband but if he thinks you're joking then he quite likely thinks that you're also blowing things out of proportion, that's why he's not jumping to attention. If he's like many surprised husbands, then when you are fully ready to be a WAW, that's when you will get his full attention and his full effort to make you happy, but by then it's just too late.

Make him realize and get him to understand that you're not kidding. You might be able to salvage this before you are ready to jump ship.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Lance Mannion said:


> This is now partly on you. You KNOW that he doesn't understand the full gravity of your feelings and his actions. We can all argue about how he SHOULD know, but it's very clear from your own writing here that even you know that he's not getting it.
> 
> Make him understand that you're not joking. Lots of husbands are surprised by walkaway-wives, they never see it coming. You've already talked to him, so that's good. Most wives who talk to their husband know that the husband heard them and didn't care, meaning he believes what he is hearing from the wife but just doesn't think it's worth his effort to invest in change to make her happy. You seem to be getting some of that from your husband but if he thinks you're joking then he quite likely thinks that you're also blowing things out of proportion, that's why he's not jumping to attention. If he's like many surprised husbands, then when you are fully ready to be a WAW, that's when you will get his full attention and his full effort to make you happy, but by then it's just too late.
> 
> Make him realize and get him to understand that you're not kidding. You might be able to salvage this before you are ready to jump ship.


I agree with this post. YOur H is not a mind reader. Just because you tell a guy something a million times does not mean that they understand. Someone posted an article here of the woman who divorced the husband over unwashed dishes, a brilliant read because it addressed this very issue. Whoever it was pls repost?
The fact that he works really hard and provides for you may be his way of showing you love.
You need to both read His Needs Her Needs.


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

aine said:


> Someone posted an article here of the woman who divorced the husband over unwashed dishes, a brilliant read because it addressed this very issue. Whoever it was pls repost?


Would love to read that post!
It would be great if someone pasts the link.



aine said:


> You need to both read His Needs Her Needs.


I second that, get the book!


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## 347233 (Nov 25, 2020)

We have talked and I wrote him a long letter a few times about what I am looking for. He acted better a couple days. 




Lance Mannion said:


> Why do you expect him to be a mindreader?


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## 347233 (Nov 25, 2020)

I talked to him and wrote him a very long letter a few times, he liked what I wrote and he said be will improve. 

The problem is he couldn't keep an erection. He wouldn’t go to a doctor or therapist. It seemed he is fine to be like this.




aine said:


> I agree with this post. YOur H is not a mind reader. Just because you tell a guy something a million times does not mean that they understand. Someone posted an article here of the woman who divorced the husband over unwashed dishes, a brilliant read because it addressed this very issue. Whoever it was pls repost?
> The fact that he works really hard and provides for you may be his way of showing you love.
> You need to both read His Needs Her Needs.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Kaliber said:


> Would love to read that post!
> It would be great if someone pasts the link.
> 
> 
> I second that, get the book!











She Divorced Me Because I Left Dishes By The Sink


It wasn’t a big deal to me when I was married. But it was a big deal to her.




www.huffpost.com


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

aine said:


> She Divorced Me Because I Left Dishes By The Sink
> 
> 
> It wasn’t a big deal to me when I was married. But it was a big deal to her.
> ...



Thanks @aine!


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

@aine, that was a great article - thanks for posting it! 😊


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## Lance Mannion (Nov 24, 2020)

Itiyou34 said:


> The problem is he couldn't keep an erection. He wouldn’t go to a doctor or therapist. It seemed he is fine to be like this.


He likely feels deep shame before his wife and so his coping strategy is avoidance. I'd argue that the solution here can't be direct, his ED problem, instead he needs his ego, his sense of security, to be super-validated so that his ED problem can be talked about with you without him feeling inferior, then he's in a better mental place to go and seek professional help. 

Of course he's fine with life like this, that's how avoidance works. If he's avoiding a problem, then the problem is not bothering him.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

minimalME said:


> @aine, that was a great article - thanks for posting it! 😊


Hi, it wasnt me who originally posted this, someone else did on one of the forums but I cannot remember whom. Kudos to them


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Itiyou34 said:


> I talked to him and wrote him a very long letter a few times, he liked what I wrote and he said be will improve.
> 
> The problem is he couldn't keep an erection. He wouldn’t go to a doctor or therapist. It seemed he is fine to be like this.


He’s not going to change until not changing is a scarier scenario than it’s been so far. You can’t throw half-asses efforts at a problem like this; it’s enabling him to believe things can just continue as they have.

Give him a choice. By x date he sees a doctor and a therapist and you’ll then cancel your appointment with a divorce attorney. That’s right. Make the appointment a month ahead of time. Show it to him. It’s his move next.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Itiyou34 said:


> I talked to him and wrote him a very long letter a few times, he liked what I wrote and he said be will improve.
> 
> The problem is he couldn't keep an erection. He wouldn’t go to a doctor or therapist. It seemed he is fine to be like this.


I wonder if he would get his T checked if you were thinking about an open marriage? That would be a serious wake up call to me.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

With regard to this topic, there should never be ultimatums or nagging, bothering someone to get hormones checked, passive aggressive behaviors, etc...Its a complete waste of time...You aren't trying to get a little kid to clean his room...It's friggin 2020.....If you have an ED problem it's pretty much fixable...He clearly knows this unless he's been living under a rock..

And even if it comes down to "i'm gonna hold my breath and give her some sex so she can get off my back"...Is that what anyone would possibly want???

It all comes down to this...If they don't want it for whatever reason, then its probably not going to happen...If its important enough, then you have to decide the direction moving forward...If the kids are the issue and your ability to earn a living then spend the time focusing on that and get yourself to a good point where you can leave...If he decides of his own free will to make a change, then you can always reconsider..


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Itiyou34 said:


> I want some tips or suggestions ”How to survive by myself in the marriage life?”


Start having sex with other people.

Seriously any person who unilaterally turns the sexual tap off in a marriage, forfeits any owing of marital fidelity to them from that point onwards.


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