# Why does he never get jealous!??



## kittykatz (Feb 22, 2013)

I'm just wondering. Is it just me or does it sometimes feel good to know that your spouse gets a little bit jealous?

By no means am I saying that I want some raging lunatic who goes off on another guy just for looking at me, but I want to at least know that the person I'm with CARES when another guy pays me attention. 

When I first met my husband, he already knew that he was going to have to deal with guys hitting on me. He told me that he wasn't really the jealous type and that he wouldn't be bothered by it. In fact, he said that if anything, he would feel flattered by it. I don't know why... I guess he meant that its like an ego booster for him to be with someone that gets hit on a lot. 

So, going into the relationship, I already knew the type of person he was... but I guess I still figured that at SOME point he wouldn't be able to control himself and that I'd see him get jealous at least once.

Well, I was wrong. I have yet to see it happen. Over the few years that we've been together there have been numerous times when guys have yelled things at me, and made flirtatious comments, sometimes even directly in front of him... he just brushes it off and acts like it doesn't bother him. 

I remember one time, before we were married... we were walking into the grocery store together and a group of guys were riding by. One of them actually yelled out directly to him "Hey man! Tell your girlfriend to give me a call!". What did he do? He just kind of laughed and shrugged it off... like it was no big deal. I know some guys who would have chased after those guys and kicked their butts. Now I'm not saying thats what I wanted him to do in that situation, because I think he would have just made himself look like a maniac.... but it would be nice for him to at least act just a tad bit jealous.. I mean at least don't laugh about it for crying out loud.

We work together and there have been a few times when guys have given me their phone numbers.... usually I end up telling him about it. I tell him about it mostly just to see what his reaction will be, but his reaction is always the same.... he just doesn't seem to think its that big of a deal. One time, there was a customer at work who was being REALLY out of line. It went beyond him just giving him his phone number.... he was being really perverted. I didn't see exactly what he was doing because I had my back turned, and my husband didn't see it either... but some of my coworkers informed us that there was some guy who was standing outside, looking through the window and staring at my butt everytime I bent over. Supposedly he was sticking his tongue out and making all kinds of obscene gestures also. 

Now, its one thing to flirt with someone... and its another to just be flat out disrespectful and disgusting. My coworkers waited until after the guy left to say anything so my husband didn't really have a chance to confront him... so in case the guy ever came back, my husband's way of dealing with it was to put window tint all over the windows so that noone could see through them. Eventually the guy did come back, but thanks to my husband, he was not able to see through the windows anymore. This was a way to effectively solve the problem without beating the guy up and behaving like an animal. So, I was actually kind of proud of him for this... but at the same time, I can't help but to think that it would have been nice to see him confront the guy about it. He wouldn't have had to have made a fool of himself and punched the guy in the face... but when the guy came back for a second time, he could have just said something like "I heard you were making obscene gestures at my wife. If thats true, you need to learn to show some respect and don't let it happen again." I would have loved that. It would have been a way to stand up for me, without resorting to violence. Is it wrong of me to want him to be a little more protective of me or should I be happy that he handles things the way that he does?

I have noticed that sometimes when I see a guy looking at me, he will do little things like he will want to hold my hand.... like thats a way for him to show the guy that I'm taken, without making himself look like an ass. Do you think its just coincidence that he does this or is this his way of being protective of me, but just in a very subtle way?

In a lot of ways I feel thankful that he is the way that he is because I'd much rather be with someone like him than someone who overreacts and is always trying to fight over me... because I think that when a guy is OVERLY jealous that it is more about being controlling than anything.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'd like for my husband to be somewhere between that and where he is now. What do you think? Should he be just a little tad bit more aggressive? And is it normal of me to WANT to see him show a little jealousy every now and then?


----------



## anja (Mar 12, 2013)

My husband is not confrontational. He wouldn't confront anyone that would googly-eye me, but he might later question why I behaved/dressed in a way that invited this kind of attention, especially phone numbers. I would not want him to confront a obviously not healthy adult like the man you described. No telling how a person like that may react and I wouldn't want him to put himself in harms way. The window tinting was a smart thing to do, in my opinion. 
Why are you trying so hard to get a rise out of him? What will that prove to you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

I do not think “jealousy” is quiet the right word for what you feel is missing from him. If he was jealous of the attention you got then he would try to make you dress down or appear less attractive in public. May be more “overtly protective” is what you are looking for.

From what you have said you have say your husband is a model of self restraint and as you have never given him reason to doubt you he is secure in the relationship. This allows him to rise above the school boy like behavior of the guy the other side of the window.

I think that you want your husband to be a little more assertive and that can be nice but there is always at risk that any confrontations he gets into could turn bad (gets physical / someone gets hurt / arrested). I think his ability to defuse situations by other means should be applauded.


N.B. I do know that if I had seen a guy leering / making rude / provocative gestures behind my wife’s back I would have been sorely tempted to give them a "slap" (like Gibbs on Denovo for those who watch NCIS) but that could end up getting me in trouble in this day and age.


----------



## kittykatz (Feb 22, 2013)

My husband has never asked me why I dressed or behaved in a certain way to get that type of attention, probably because I don't really do anything to bring on this type of attention. I dress the same as anyone else my age... I don't dress like a nun. I wear shorts, tank tops, things like that in the summer time... but I don't have everything hung out, looking like a street walker either. I know girls that dress way skimpier than I do. As far as my behavior, I am a very quiet/shy person. I never say anything to these guys. They're always the ones to approach ME. 

The first time someone gave me their number I was just minding my own business, doing my job... he called me over to him and since I work in a restaurant, I was thinking maybe he had a complaint about his food or something... but instead he just randomly gave me his number and asked if I was going to call him later, which is when I then informed him that I was married. I had never spoken to him prior to this or had any type of contact with him at all... nor had I sent him any type of signals to show I was interested in him.

The next time someone asked for MY phone number and it was a similar situation. I was minding my own business as usual, doing my job, when a woman randomly called me over and said something to the effect of "This is awkward but my friend thinks you're cute and wants to know if you'd give him your number."

So its not that I intentionally try to look or act a certain way to try to get this type of attention in order to make my husband jealous... I'm way too shy to do that. Its just something that happens. 

I suppose you're right about the guy that made the perverted gestures.... after I started thinking about it, I don't think anyone in their right mind would do something like that. He most likely had some kind of mental problems, and it probably wouldnt have been smart for him to confront him directly.

Like I said, I'm not asking that he act like a violent lunatic, but when someone hits on me and he laughs about it, or acts as if its nothing to him, I don't know... I guess it makes me feel like he doesn't care about me... or that he doesn't feel threatened by other guys. In a way, I guess thats a good thing because it shows that he is secure with himself and that he trusts that I'd never be interested in anyone else.... but I just don't want him to get to the point where he takes me for granted. Hope that makes sense.


----------



## Rags (Aug 2, 2010)

Sounds like he's very secure, and isn't worried, because you aren't flirting back (I assume you're not, anyway  )

Maybe you should tell him you'd like to feel a little more protected and possesed when other men start flirting. Say it would make you feel good. He might like that.


----------



## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

I do not see any harm in talking to him.

It could be he feels more than he shows but has decided that his way works well so is happy to continue with it.

I am pretty sure he knows he has a cute wife (luckily for me I am in the same position!).


----------



## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

Often when we are feeling secure we like to "show off" the beautiful thinks in our lives.

Whether that is wearing a short sheaved shirt to show off the Rolex watch you got for Christmas, parking your freshly polished sports car on the driveway even when there is space in the garage or walking down the road arm in arm with the one you love.

No need to feel jealous when others are admiring the things / people in your life as long as they are not trying to damage / steal them away.


----------



## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

:scratchhead:
This is EXACTLY what drives men crazy about women sometimes.

1. I don't want a jealous guy---Okay I won't be jealous
2. I like it when my man is a LITTLE jealous---but what about number 1? Okay okay I'll be jealous
3. You're too jealous and controlling---WTF woman? fine I won't be jealous
4. I used to really like it when you were Jealous---EFF THIS! I'm done!

OP, how about this....You have a husband who loves you, trusts you and is VERY PROUD to be your husband. How about you appreciate those things. When your husband squeezes your hand when a guy checks you out, THAT'S him being "protective". It's his little announcement of "Yep, this hot woman is MINE!" Enjoy that! When a guy is out of line, he solves the problem.

Stop looking for things that don't exist and learn to be content with what you have.


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

My husband is jealous but he hides it. He sees it as an insecure trait so he doesn't go there. It wasn't until he felt safe with me that he showed me his insecure side.


----------



## JJG (Mar 9, 2011)

Sounds like you have yourself a confident happy man . . . why would you want anything different?

Don't take this badly, but you wanting the 'drama' of jealousy sounds a bit immature . . . 

You sound like you have a very happy relationship. Congrats!


----------



## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Let's ask the right questions here.

What's wrong with you that you want your husband to respond with jealousy? No confident man, secure in his relationship is jealous. It's not what other men do or how they act that creates jealousy, it's how you react and how your man responds that creates jealousy.

I am never jealous. I won't tolerate activity that would lead to jealous feelings. If I were to feel jealous, then my partner is being inappropriate. If that is not immediately corrected, we are history. end of story.

I think you need to look at yourself and determine why you need your jealousy fix.


----------



## olwhatsisname (Dec 5, 2012)

you have know idea how hard it is to get across that little green cow pasture without falling down or stepping in something. in 30 years he will still love you and you will find your the luckyest lady around.


----------



## kittykatz (Feb 22, 2013)

Thanks for the feedback everyone. I can see what you're saying. I guess I am being a little bit confusing when I say I don't want him to be jealous but id like for him to be a little jealous. Its not so much that I want it for the drama... its just that I have a need to FEEL loved and to feel wanted... but I guess jealousy doesn't mean that a guy cares. I realize that often times, it justs means they're insecure or that they want to be controlling. Like I said, im glad that he is secure and that he trusts me but I guess I just fear that he might start taking me for granted... I don't want him to have the attitude that he doesn't have to try to show his love to me anymore because we are married and he feels like he's already succeeded in getting what he wanted. Im not saying that he acts like that, im just saying I don't ever want him to start getting that way. I do realize that im just being too pikcy here and I should be happy for what I have, which is a wonderful, secure, loving husband. I guess if this is the most major complaint that I have about him, Im pretty lucky.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> I guess I just fear that he might start taking me for granted... I don't want him to have the attitude that he doesn't have to try to show his love to me anymore because we are married and he feels like he's already succeeded in getting what he wanted.


Cross that bridge when you get to it. There is no sense in worrying about things that haven't happened or 'may' happen in the future. Enjoy what you have today.


----------



## joshbjoshb (Jul 11, 2011)

kittykatz said:


> I'm just wondering. Is it just me or does it sometimes feel good to know that your spouse gets a little bit jealous?
> 
> By no means am I saying that I want some raging lunatic who goes off on another guy just for looking at me, but I want to at least know that the person I'm with CARES when another guy pays me attention.
> 
> ...


This guy must be super confident. He is not afraid of loosing you, as he thinks he is the greatest person on earth. It's a good thing to have.

You, on the other hand, want to feel that he needs you. You are scared to be around someone who radiates "I don't need anyone as I will always do great." I can certainly understand your feelings! 

Another option might be that he is a super trusting person. If this is the case, you are truly blessed.


----------



## Blue Firefly (Mar 6, 2013)

Or, maybe the OP just wants her husband to alpha up a little.

Nobody messes with MY WOMAN.


----------



## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

kittykatz said:


> Thanks for the feedback everyone. I can see what you're saying. I guess I am being a little bit confusing when I say I don't want him to be jealous but id like for him to be a little jealous. Its not so much that I want it for the drama... *its just that I have a need to FEEL loved and to feel wanted*... but I guess jealousy doesn't mean that a guy cares. I realize that often times, it justs means they're insecure or that they want to be controlling. Like I said, im glad that he is secure and that he trusts me *but I guess I just fear that he might start taking me for granted... I don't want him to have the attitude that he doesn't have to try to show his love to me anymore *because we are married and he feels like he's already succeeded in getting what he wanted. *Im not saying that he acts like that, im just saying I don't ever want him to start getting that way. *I do realize that im just being too pikcy here and I should be happy for what I have, which is a wonderful, secure, loving husband. I guess if this is the most major complaint that I have about him, Im pretty lucky.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Kittykatz, I'm putting my super blunt honest hat on so please take what I'm about to say as trying to be helpful, but being blunt enough to hopeful drive a point home.

So you're saying is you're very insecure that your wonderful marriage might stop being wonderful. 

(Perverbial here) You're sitting in your wonderful, satisfying warm bright home, but you keep looking out into the dark woods, just know there's something out there that is going to ruin it.

1. Don't venture into the Coping with Infidelity section, that'll make you're insecurity worse 
2. Do you suffer from any other aspects that you're insecure about? 
3. I ask because the feeling that your marriage might breakdown when there's NO reason to think that is usually tied with a deeper set of insecurities. As in, how many healthy long term marriages did you grow up around? What kind of husband was your father?

PS all this is normal, but you definitely want to get a hold of it.


----------



## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Blue Firefly said:


> Or, maybe the OP just wants her husband to alpha up a little.
> 
> Nobody messes with MY WOMAN.


There's a difference between Alpha and 16 year old immature machismo LOL.

Alpha is having and expressing total confidence which her husband has.

16 year old immature machismo is wanting to fight any guy who winked at "his woman".


----------



## kittykatz (Feb 22, 2013)

Blue Firefly said:


> Or, maybe the OP just wants her husband to alpha up a little.
> 
> Nobody messes with MY WOMAN.


Lol. I suppose that is kind of what I want... but I don't want him to take it to the exteme. Like I said, I dont want to be with someone who goes off the deep end anytime a guy even looks at me. Sometimes I wonder what my husband would do if someone really disrespected me. Even beyond what the one guy did with making obscene gestures... I wonder what he would do if someone actually physically assaulted me or something of that sort. I can't speak for everyone, but if I was a man, and someone laid their hands on my wife, I don't think I'd be able to restrain myself from pounding his face in, no matter how much self control I had.

But I can honestly say that if I ever was put in that situation, I don't know for sure if my husband would do that. I'm not sure how he'd handle it... but somehow its hard for me to see him getting into a physical altercation with someone. If I saw a woman being touched inappropriately and the husband/boyfriend just stood by and didn't confront the guy, he would come cross as a wimp, in my personal opinion. In most situations, physical violence is not needed and can be pretty easily avoided... but in some cases, I would think that anyone, even the most self restrained person, wouldn't be able to hold back.

I think part of it is that maybe I want him to be a little more macho I guess. Its kind of a turn on. Then part of it is that I just want to feel wanted by him... but the fact is, he is 32 years old. He has never been one of those macho, tough guys... I don't think hes even gotten into a fight in his life. So the chances of him changing at this age are slim to none. So I guess its something I'm just going to have to accept.... he has so many other qualities about him that I love, that his good traits definitely outweigh the bad... if you even want to consider this a bad trait. I know I worry about stuff that hasn't happened yet... my husband has brought this to my attention before. I just try to always think about the possible outcomes of certain situations and I like to try to avoid bad things from happening.... my husband, on the other hand, has the attitude of "We'll deal with it when it happens. You can't spend your life worrying about all the things that COULD happen." I can't say I disagree with it.... it does make my life a lot more stressful to worry about things that havent happened yet. Its something I definitely need to work on. Besides, sometimes it doesn't matter how much you try to prevent something.... often times it happens anyway if its something thats out of your control.


----------



## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

When other men find my wife attractive I take it as a compliment on my taste in women. Maybe your husband feels the same way. Now if another man want to be overtly obnoxious rude or if he were to lay a hand on her that would be a different matter.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

anja said:


> My husband is not confrontational. He wouldn't confront anyone that would googly-eye me, but he might later question why I behaved/dressed in a way that invited this kind of attention, especially phone numbers.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sorry, but to me, this is just wrong.


----------



## Blue Firefly (Mar 6, 2013)

Dad&Hubby said:


> There's a difference between Alpha and 16 year old immature machismo LOL.
> 
> Alpha is having and expressing total confidence which her husband has.
> 
> 16 year old immature machismo is wanting to fight any guy who winked at "his woman".


And, as evidenced by the post by the OP right after yours, there's a difference between logic and emotion.

The root cause of many of the affairs in the CWI section is the husband failing to appeal to their wives on this primal (call it immature machismo if you want) level. The proverbial "nice guy" syndrome.

I'm sure the husband is confident and secure about their relationship, but it isn't coming across that way to his wife. She feels insecure. She wonders if he would physically protect her if it was required. She actually used the word "wimp" to describe her husband.

At least she recognizes what she wants. Now she should just be open with her husband about it.

This may be a case where the wife buys "No More Mr. Nice Guy" or "Married Man's Sex Life Primer" for their husband as a present. IMHO, she wants a guy that is a little more aggressive and out-in-the-open with his masculinity. Nothing wrong with that, as I think more women feel that way than will admit.


----------



## kittykatz (Feb 22, 2013)

Dad&Hubby said:


> Kittykatz, I'm putting my super blunt honest hat on so please take what I'm about to say as trying to be helpful, but being blunt enough to hopeful drive a point home.
> 
> So you're saying is you're very insecure that your wonderful marriage might stop being wonderful.
> 
> ...


Actually, my parents are still together.... they have 3 other children besides me and have been married for 35 years. There are very few other marriages in my family that have lasted though. My grandmother on my dad's side was married and divorced twice until she found her third husband, and they stayed together until he died. My grandmother on my mom's side of the family was not married when she had my mom... but she later got married and he was supposedly abusive, so the marriage ended in divorce as a result. My dad's sister had also been divorced a couple of times. But I don't think any of that would have an impact on someone as much as it would if their own parents were to get divorced because I think your parents are usually a person's biggest role models.... but thankfully mine have stayed together.

My husband's parents, on the other hand, have both been divorced more than once. They were married up until my husband was about 10 years old, then they split up and both got with someone else.... his dad was married to his second wife for 15 years or so when they got divorced.... his mom got married to a guy which very soon ended in divorce, and soon after that, she got married for a third time. She stayed married to her third husband until his death several years ago. 

So if we're looking at it this way, I would think that my husband would have more reason to fear that marriages don't last... because its something that he has seen all his life. I'm really not sure why I fear that something is going to happen and cause problems in the marriage... maybe I don't feel that I'm worthy of having someone like him and that its too good to be true. I mean when I really think about it, sure he has some flaws like everyone does, but none are really significant enough to complain about. Sometimes I get onto him for being too generous and wanting to help people too much... how can you really fault someone for being generous? You can't... 

He has never given me any reason whatsoever to think that he would ever or will ever cheat on me. I know this is a blessing in itself because so many people do not trust their spouse and have to worry constantly about what theyre doing behind their back. He goes to church, he has very strong Christian morals and values. He cares so much about other people's feelings... he would never intentionally say or do anything to hurt someone. He is very hard working and does a good job at helping support us and making sure we have the things that we need. Every now and then he might splurge and buy something that he wants... and my parents love to bring this up and complain about it.. but the truth is that I sometimes splurge too. I mean literally, He is just about as close to perfect as it gets... and when I think of all the things that he must have to complain about when it comes to me, it almost doesn't seem fair. I sometimes nag him about things, not purposely trying to get on his nerves, but often times I do. I have said things about certain family members of his before... not to their face, but I've complained to him about them... about some of them wanting to borrow money from us and things of that nature. Ive said things to him about them that have really hurt him and I regretted saying.... hes never spoken of that way about MY parents or my family. He sometimes complains about little things that my dad says or does... and I dont blame him because I know my dad can be a pain... but hes never said anything hurtful about them or made any kind of personal attack on them. I'm also not nearly as generous as he is. I'm more self centered... I care about myself more than almost anyone else. I don't have a lot of compassion for others... and sometimes I can also be a little too controlling. Not to mention, I can be a little judgmental.... ok I can be VERY judgemental.

So if you really want to dig down to the root of the problem as to WHY I sometimes look for things to go bad, I think I have a lot of guilt for the way that I sometimes behave, and some of the hurtful things Ive said to him.... and I think deep down I dont feel that I deserve him, which makes me fear that someday he might get sick of it and just stop trying. 

Obviously he sees something in me or he wouldn't have married me... I know one of the initial things that attracted him to me was my looks... He says he always liked my personality but I think my looks played a big part in it too. I've even asked him before why he married me.... usually the first thing that comes out of his mouth is "You're hot" or something like that. And then I will say ".... is that all??? What else??" and then he will add other stuff to it... but thats always his first answer. Although its flattering to know that someone thinks you're attractive, that shouldnt be the most important thing in a marriage.... because if you married someone JUST because you think they're "hot" then chances are, the marriage won't last.... because looks will eventually fade and then you'll have nothing. I just hope I'm wrong and that he married me for more than that... and that hopefully he sees more in me than what I see.


----------



## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

OP, you don't know how much I totally get what you mean. I have had this same feeling about hubz too. 

Hubz thinks I am being silly.

I have situations happen to me with other guys, and hubz doesn't bat an eyelid. What I wouldn't give for a, "he's obviously got great taste in women but he'd better leave well alone", that kind of thing. Some comment that lets me know he IS protective of me.

The complete non-reaction, he says, is because he has no need to be jealous because I'm not doing anything to make him jealous. I get that. He says it's a compliment because he trusts me completely.

I get that too. It's just that it comes across to me as a blase, don't-care attitude that makes me feel like he wouldn't actually show a jot of emotion even if another guy was completely crossing the line. That protective comment also lets me feel that I am valued rather than being someone who's in his life that can just be replaced with the next woman that comes along.


----------



## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

I know what you are saying, kitty. My husband is possessive. He is not insecure, he is possessive. I am "his" and he doesn't want other people oogling his treasure. A glance is fine. For others to visually, RESPECTFULLY appreciate me, is fine. For them to talk to me with no reason or straight up stare, is NOT fine and my husband gives them "the glare" if this happens.

It makes me feel great that he is right there to put his boundaries around me. He has never gotten into any embarassing situation, he doesn't need to. A glare from him is all it takes, and men mind their business after that.

I do the same if women are oogling him.


----------



## scione (Jul 11, 2011)

I'm a man and I am jealous when somebody try/flirt with my wife, but I don't show it. I see no reason to. And to be confrontational with someone, it's all or nothing. If I'm not ready to beat him to a pulp, then I'm not going to confront him at all. But nobody has ever come that far.

I think he's also all or nothing kind of guy. If he's not going to fully confront him, why embarrass yourself. What if the other guy is an aggressive person, then instead of going home, both of them will go to a jail cell.


----------



## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

Hey Kitty,

I think I can relate to how you feel. My wife never gets jealous when other women talk to me. My career also puts me in close contact with many women and still there is no jealousy what so ever. I know she trusts me, but sometimes I don’t trust myself. 

In a way, if she showed a little jealousy, which is in a way a fear that somebody may come and take me away, she would try harder to treat me better. This may not be like your relationship. She acts like she doesn't care if I leave her or not. She may actually feel that way, especially from her attitude...

The mother of our daughters friend openly flirts with me all the time and my wife sees and hears it all. In a joking kind of way, she said 'You can have him if you want… I know she doesn’t REALLY mean that. I just find it so very strange she says that. I feel that she wants me to have a mistress from some of her comments. If I say something about it, she will respond something like “if you want to have an affair, I can’t stop you. Go on ahead” 

So a little jealousy like saying something like…”he’s my man…stay away..” Even if she said that in a joking kind of way… I woul like...


----------



## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

Men are sneaky when they give my wife the looks. But then again, I am 6'6" tall and even though I am not a bully or fighter, I tend to intimidate with my size. They don't want me to see they're hitting on her. Pigs and chicken-sh!its...

She's small and is truly beautiful (not just my love-colored glasses; I've known this since the first time I saw her), so men _will _take a look at her. But giving her their phone numbers or asking for hers? She is good at putting men in their place (done it all her life), but that's over the top when she's wearing a 2 carat ring (an obvious wedding ring guys) and not flirting with anyone (except me  ), so if I see it, they get the locked-on GLARE and I move in their direction.

So far, nobody's ever challenged me on that. Good thing, too. I don't get off on fighting but I'm ready to hammer anyone who disrespects my wife.


----------



## Blue Firefly (Mar 6, 2013)

scione said:


> I'm a man and I am jealous when somebody try/flirt with my wife, but I don't show it. I see no reason to. And to be confrontational with someone, it's all or nothing. If I'm not ready to beat him to a pulp, then I'm not going to confront him at all. But nobody has ever come that far.
> 
> I think he's also all or nothing kind of guy. If he's not going to fully confront him, why embarrass yourself. What if the other guy is an aggressive person, then instead of going home, both of them will go to a jail cell.


There are other ways to handle the situation without resorting to anger/aggression. I've slid my arm around my wife, pulled her tight against me, looked her in the eyes and said "you're mine babe; you better not be getting any other ideas."

This is also a form of waving it in the guys face. Letting him know that no matter what he does or says, he isn't getting her, because she belongs to you.

As far as violence goes, I don't believe most women want their husbands to be violent. But, I'm convinced that at some level, they need to believe their husband is *capable of violence*. That if faced with the choice of letting their wife be raped or killing another man, their husband wouldn't hesitate to kill another man--even at the risk of his own life.

I think most men would defend their wife in exactly this manner, if the situation ever called for it. But, how to instill that confidence in their wife without resorting to actual violence is the problem.


----------



## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

PS my wife will slice up any woman who flirts with me, as well.


----------



## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

Blue Firefly said:


> There are other ways to handle the situation without resorting to anger/aggression. I've slid my arm around my wife, pulled her tight against me, looked her in the eyes and said "you're mine babe; you better not be getting any other ideas."
> 
> This is also a form of waving it in the guys face. Letting him know that no matter what he does or says, he isn't getting her, because she belongs to you.
> 
> ...


Totally agree. I used to say about my first wife "If anyone can steal her from me, he can have her." In my adult life I have never resorted to violence; I'd much rather talk my way out of a confrontation. But being a large man helps me in that category; they don't need to know whether I would or wouldn't go all Frankenstein on them if they pushed it (oh yes I would!). 

I think most men who hit on married women are weak, d***-driven men who have no sense of respect in their own lives. They troll for women who react.


----------



## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

"They troll for women who react."


No, they don't. They're men. They look at women. It's that easy.


----------



## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

kittykatz said:


> Lol. I suppose that is kind of what I want... but I don't want him to take it to the exteme. Like I said, I dont want to be with someone who goes off the deep end anytime a guy even looks at me. Sometimes I wonder what my husband would do if someone really disrespected me. Even beyond what the one guy did with making obscene gestures... I wonder what he would do if someone actually physically assaulted me or something of that sort. I can't speak for everyone, but if I was a man, and someone laid their hands on my wife, I don't think I'd be able to restrain myself from pounding his face in, no matter how much self control I had.
> 
> *But I can honestly say that if I ever was put in that situation, I don't know for sure if my husband would do that. I'm not sure how he'd handle it... but somehow its hard for me to see him getting into a physical altercation with someone. *If I saw a woman being touched inappropriately and the husband/boyfriend just stood by and didn't confront the guy, he would come cross as a wimp, in my personal opinion. In most situations, physical violence is not needed and can be pretty easily avoided... but in some cases, I would think that anyone, even the most self restrained person, wouldn't be able to hold back.
> 
> I think part of it is that maybe I want him to be a little more macho I guess. Its kind of a turn on. Then part of it is that I just want to feel wanted by him... but the fact is, he is 32 years old. He has never been one of those macho, tough guys... I don't think hes even gotten into a fight in his life. So the chances of him changing at this age are slim to none. So I guess its something I'm just going to have to accept.... he has so many other qualities about him that I love, that his good traits definitely outweigh the bad... if you even want to consider this a bad trait. I know I worry about stuff that hasn't happened yet... my husband has brought this to my attention before. I just try to always think about the possible outcomes of certain situations and I like to try to avoid bad things from happening.... my husband, on the other hand, has the attitude of "We'll deal with it when it happens. You can't spend your life worrying about all the things that COULD happen." I can't say I disagree with it.... it does make my life a lot more stressful to worry about things that havent happened yet. Its something I definitely need to work on. Besides, sometimes it doesn't matter how much you try to prevent something.... often times it happens anyway if its something thats out of your control.



I honestly think you're looking for issues where none exist.

As I said in an earlier post. You're looking into the darkness "just knowing" there's something wrong, you just can't make it out.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Trickster said:


> Hey Kitty,
> 
> I think I can relate to how you feel. My wife never gets jealous when other women talk to me. My career also puts me in close contact with many women and still there is no jealousy what so ever. I know she trusts me, but sometimes I don’t trust myself.
> 
> ...


This makes me sad.


----------



## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

kittykatz said:


> Actually, my parents are still together.... they have 3 other children besides me and have been married for 35 years. There are very few other marriages in my family that have lasted though. My grandmother on my dad's side was married and divorced twice until she found her third husband, and they stayed together until he died. My grandmother on my mom's side of the family was not married when she had my mom... but she later got married and he was supposedly abusive, so the marriage ended in divorce as a result. My dad's sister had also been divorced a couple of times. But I don't think any of that would have an impact on someone as much as it would if their own parents were to get divorced because I think your parents are usually a person's biggest role models.... but thankfully mine have stayed together.
> 
> My husband's parents, on the other hand, have both been divorced more than once. They were married up until my husband was about 10 years old, then they split up and both got with someone else.... his dad was married to his second wife for 15 years or so when they got divorced.... his mom got married to a guy which very soon ended in divorce, and soon after that, she got married for a third time. She stayed married to her third husband until his death several years ago.
> 
> ...


:smthumbup::smthumbup: Congratulations. You just figured out the issue.

You're latching onto a quality you don't admire in your husband. Not that you DISLIKE it, but it's not something you like, and because of your own fears and insecurities, you're looking for problems with him so that it starts to become "okay" when something goes poorly.

So what are you going to do about this going forward? 

First you need to start getting your "feeling of being safe" by how secure your husband is in your marriage. He's telling you..."All the faults YOU see, I accept and love. I'm not worried about them. I look at you as the whole package and want to and am proud to be married to you."

This isn't to say to stop working on the things within ourselves to make us the best spouse we can be, but your husband accepts your "issues".


----------



## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Blue Firefly said:


> And, as evidenced by the post by the OP right after yours, there's a difference between logic and emotion.
> 
> The root cause of many of the affairs in the CWI section is the husband failing to appeal to their wives on this primal (call it immature machismo if you want) level. The proverbial "nice guy" syndrome.
> 
> ...


It could be. But I'm not sure how much is being projected by the OP or is real that he's a "Nice Guy".

All I've heard is that he didn't chase down a car with 4 guys in it because one made a comment. He put up window tint to stop another guy from gawking at her and he does little things like holding her hand to let other guys that she's his. 

I haven't heard one thing of cowering or falling into the "Nice Guy". No he's not out there packing heat with a label on the gun that says "Wife Keeper".

Now the fact that the OP feels the way she does, is an issue. It's just what is the REAL issue. Is it the OP or is it the OP's H?


----------



## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

PS I do think a little possessiveness isn't a bad thing. I'm definitely possessive. It does show appreciation, attraction and love in a round about kind of way.

I just don't get the impression that it's lacking from the OP's H in other ways.


----------



## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

The OP said she doesn't feel confident her husband would physically protect her if she needed it. That's a pretty big problem. Se also said he questions her behaviour when guys hit on her. That's another big problem. 

I have zero doubts that my husband would do everything he could to physically protect me if I needed it. He would lay down his life for me or our daughters. 

He doesn't care particularly if people flirt with me, and I'm not in that type of situation often, but when a line has been crossed, he steps up and shuts it down. As I do for him. It's confident and protective possessiveness, and it's part of why I love and respect him so deeply. Our family is his absolute priority.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> *Lyris said*: The OP said she doesn't feel confident her husband would physically protect her if she needed it. That's a pretty big problem.


 Not having read every post here.... has this been a problem where a man touched her or crossed a line where she was truly up in arms...feeling he is being TOO PASSIVE.....*or she just worries he would not? * Has she ever asked him, gave a scenario & asked what he would do in that situation? 

From all the threads I have read by KittzKatz in the last weeks... I get the impression neither her nor her husband would hang with people of shady character, they wouldn't put themselves in those type atmospheres...*it seems all issues lie in the workplace*...*and when Dad is the Boss, if it was THAT bad, any of these flirtatious peeping TOMS could be fired on the spot.* 

I liked what the husband did with the tinted windows... he is logical and doesn't create sh** just cause he is a GUY...to stir the pot.. after all.. he could end up with some slashed tires. This is pretty much how me & my husband look at dealing with Idiots... sometimes it's just not worth the aggravation. In Grade school, you need to scowl at the bully and throw a punch... but this is adult life...if the bullys haven't learned by now how to act in a respectful manner, is there really any hope for them? 



> *KittyKatz said:* Sometimes I get onto him for being too generous and wanting to help people too much... how can you really fault someone for being generous? You can't..


I could so easily say THIS about my husband as well...
I am betting your husband is geared more *BETA* ...again like my own husband... And yeah...you are looking for a little more *ALPHA*...I do at times myself but not really in this particular area... 

These men are not the type to get up in someone's face and say "Look here buddy, if you look at my wifes a$$ one more time, I am going to rough you up"... My husband would NEVER DO THIS... now if there was a touch, and I was pi$$ed off, chances are...I'd be the rough housing broad giving him a piece of lip. 

Once when we were dating, some guy walked right up to me & him and asked me out...now looking back.. we feel this dude was looking for a FIGHT....trying to get a RISE out of my Boyfriend.... I handled that & we walked away... and really I didn't want no damn confrontation.... We didn't know this Joker, didn't know if he had a knife down his pants........did I want to see my BF get beat up, thrown on a car- knife taken out - in front of me acting like Mr Macho, claiming his territory...Hell NO !!! A$$holes lurk on every corner... I don't want involved, *if we can walk away.**...**we walk away*.. 

Now IF this man didn't take NO for an answer, his adrenaline would have been rising..... he'd know he's got a problem ... he'd ACT....if a man laid a hand on me.... He'd take it upon himself to lay one on the Joker...this I have no doubt...He'd go F'n ballistic..for me or our children.... my husband can't even stand a rape scene on TV....

But comments, men acting like salivating dogs in a moment...so long as they ain't rubbing up against us....dirty scoundrels that some are....especially when they get in a group.... yelling out the window driving past..what can you do... beat everyone up... I'd think this would cause Life to be unbearable -if the GF was hot, hell he'd have to dump her. 

But I know...this is more work related...

I think you have much to be thankful for..his being the way he is...did you know that HIGHER TESTOSTERONE LEVELS create more "territorial behavior"... 

Also.... I am going to assume here... He is very SECURE in your love, faithfulness & attention.....

My husband has told me ...the only time he was jealous of me was when we were dating.... some guys were after me and once I broke up with him... but I came back... once we walked down that aisle.... he hasn't really felt that.. but it's cause I never gave him reason to be...we were always very close, tied to the hip, ball & chain & enjoyed that. 

He's never given me any reason to be jealous either....so I fully believe a couple can REST in this...that it's NOT a blight... 

Now IF one of you was peeping over the fence, showing less attention to the other, the communication drops off....things are a little tense, the sharing stops... and he sees you talking it up with other guys... THEN there is reason to start feeling some jealousy RISE..... but it sounds to me.. .he knows he has an attractive wife...she is very faithful.... he understands men will become idiots over a HOT woman at times...so long as they don't touch...he'll keep squeezing your hand when others are checking you out.


----------



## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> "They troll for women who react."
> 
> 
> No, they don't. They're men. They look at women. It's that easy.


I said "hit" on married women in the sentence before. Totally different thing.


----------



## kittykatz (Feb 22, 2013)

Lyris said:


> The OP said she doesn't feel confident her husband would physically protect her if she needed it. That's a pretty big problem. Se also said he questions her behaviour when guys hit on her. That's another big problem.
> 
> I have zero doubts that my husband would do everything he could to physically protect me if I needed it. He would lay down his life for me or our daughters.
> 
> He doesn't care particularly if people flirt with me, and I'm not in that type of situation often, but when a line has been crossed, he steps up and shuts it down. As I do for him. It's confident and protective possessiveness, and it's part of why I love and respect him so deeply. Our family is his absolute priority.


Just to make a correction, I never said he questions my behavior when men flirt with me.... it was another poster who said that her husband would question how she behaved or how she was dressed that brought on such attention. I'm not sure if thats what you meant.... if its not, you're more than welcome to clarify.


----------



## iBolt (Aug 28, 2012)

Good heavens. What the hell. You've people on here worried about how to deal with a low life cheating partner, serious mental health, abuse or addiction and you're frustrated that your husband isn't jealous? 

On the one hand, men are supposed to be this gentle, fluffy bunnies but they should also be alpha protective sort. No wonder more and more men are struggling with identity crisis probably more now than ever before.

PLEASE, be grateful that you have a partner who is super secure in himself and super-duper trusting of you. I honestly think these are your issues that you need to address. Might I suggest that pretty much everything has a breaking point. I don't suppose your husband is dumb. I imagine him (in this regard) to be someone who takes things in, is in control of his emotions and tries to maintain inner calm. I hope you do not end up pushing him too far.

I guess I am speaking from personal experience of living with a woman that constantly required me to prove one thing or the other. I soon learned that no amount of evidence will ever be enough. There will always be demands for more which is just dang draining. 

Does he express his feelings to you at other times? Do you both connect at an emotional level?


----------



## kittykatz (Feb 22, 2013)

Yes he does.... sometimes... but in general, hes the type of person that doesn't typically like to show a lot of emotion. I think sometimes he tends to hold things in. 

I know there are people out there who have way worse problems than this, as I have admitted to in my above post. Yes I know I should consider myself lucky.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

KittyKatz,

He's secure in himself and he trusts you. As long as he knows he can trust you, he knows that those other guys have zero chances with you. So why should he be jealous.

You say that sometimes guys walk up and give you phone numbers and you take them. I am sure you are throwing them away. But stop taking them. You don't seem to know quite how to handle his. Just look at the guy and say "I'm happily married." and don't take the number. That's showing respect to your husband.

You say that you are not sure how he would react if some guy put his hands on you. Ask him about that. Communication is key.

You say that sometimes you say mean things to your husband. Stop doing that. This is what you need to change.


----------



## SouthernMiss (Apr 25, 2013)

OP, I understand what you're saying. When my ex-husband never, ever expressed ANY jealousy, it was unsettling to me. On the other hand, my current husband tends to show jealousy more...sometimes too much.

You want something in between? To me, a littttle bit of jealousy shows you care. It doesn't seem insecure to me. A raging, jealous man who loses his mind every time a man glances your way IS insecure. A man who occasionally shows just a little jealously is endearing to me...it shows he thinks I'm valuable...that I'd be valuable to other men...and he wants me to stay his.

Personally, I like a man who shows a little vulnerability sometimes. I find it endearing. I love him more for being human.

It does, also, make me feel coveted, protected...I guess it's sort of animal instinct in a sense. Feeling that your alpha-male is still feeling your value and wants to claim what it is his. Again, not "too much."

I do think it's hard for a man though. It's hard to know what is "a little"...it's so very subjective. I can hardly begrudge a guy who can't find that sweet spot. Or maybe just doesn't want to. That's hard. Sometimes it's too hard. And you let it go.

But it does satisfy me on a certain level. I also don't want drama...it's that tinge of jealously...every so often... that makes me feel valued.


----------



## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

kittykatz said:


> Yes he does.... sometimes... but in general, hes the type of person that doesn't typically like to show a lot of emotion. I think sometimes he tends to hold things in.
> 
> I know there are people out there who have way worse problems than this, as I have admitted to in my above post. Yes I know I should consider myself lucky.


OP, let's address the outward.

What makes you feel like your husband wouldn't protect you? 

Protection is very different from Jealousy. Keep that in mind. So focus on the protection.

PS in what you've said, I've seen him "protect" you. A guy acted inappropriately and he made it where the guy can't do the same any more. Also when there's questions of someone checking you out, he makes sure it's known you're his. 

But something is making you not see those as being enough. What is it?


----------



## kittykatz (Feb 22, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> KittyKatz,
> 
> He's secure in himself and he trusts you. As long as he knows he can trust you, he knows that those other guys have zero chances with you. So why should he be jealous.
> 
> ...


Actually anytime that I have been given a phone number or asked for my phone number, I have told the guy that I was married. I always do. The first time a guy gave me his number he just handed me a piece of paper. I had no idea what was on it. I opened it up, saw that it was a phone number and shortly after that, he asked me if I was going to call him. At this point, I held up my hand so he could see my wedding ring and said "Im married." He had a shocked looked on his face and said something like "well ok then. Have a good night". Then he walked off and left the piece of paper laying on the counter, which ended up being thrown away. Point is, I made it very clear to him that I was married. Just as anytime that anyone has asked for MY phone number, I tell them the same thing. I tell them im married and I do not give it to them. So I don't really see a problem with how I handle these things. I have asked him before what he would do if I was in danger and he needed to physically protect me... but he doesn't really like it when I make up hypothetical situations and ask him what he would do. I think he doesn't really want to say what he would or wouldn't do because in some situations you just don't know how you're going to react until you're actually in that position. I suppose that's true and I hate asking him what he would do in certain scenarios that have never even happened and maybe never will but its important to me to know that he will always do his best to keep me safe and protect me. I feel like that's just part of being a good husband.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## kittykatz (Feb 22, 2013)

Dad&Hubby said:


> OP, let's address the outward.
> 
> What makes you feel like your husband wouldn't protect you?
> 
> ...


 Well about him holding my hand when it seems like a guy is checking me out, I wasn't sure if he was intentionally doing this. I wasn't sure if he even noticed the guy checking me out... I thought maybe it was just coincidence that he wanted to hold my hand... because holding hands isn't something that's very uncommon for us. Often times we do hold hands when we're out in public. If it wasn't just coincidence and he really was holding my hand to show that Im with him, then I guess you're right.. that is a way of being protective of me. He did solve the problem with the pervy guy making obscene gestures... but that guy really creeped me out... to the point where I was paranoid about leaving work because I thought he might be the stalker type. I mean if he goes out of his way to come to a restaurant where a girl works especially more than once, just to gawk at her and act like a pervert, I don't think its a stretch to say that he might stalk someone and gawk at them through the windows in their house, possibly even do more than that. I don't know why I can't imagine my husband having to physically protect me if needed.... other than the fact that its just very hard for me to picture. Maybe its because he has never been in a fight before... so its hard for me to imagine him getting physical with someone. Plus he has never directly answered my question when I've asked him what he would do in that type of situation. He just says you can't make up scenarios like that and truthfully be able to say what you'd do... so to me, that's like him saying he doesn't know what he would do.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

kittykatz said:


> I have asked him before what he would do if I was in danger and he needed to physically protect me... but he doesn't really like it when I make up hypothetical situations and ask him what he would do. I think he doesn't really want to say what he would or wouldn't do because in some situations you just don't know how you're going to react until you're actually in that position. I suppose that's true and I hate asking him what he would do in certain scenarios that have never even happened and maybe never will but its important to me to know that he will always do his best to keep me safe and protect me. I feel like that's just part of being a good husband.


I can see his point of view about the hypothetical questions. So let it go. 

Everthing you have said about your husband in your posts show him to be a very caring guy. He is also secure and level headed. He seems to be one of those guys who grew up in a bad situation but somehow turned out to be a gem. 

Going on what you have said about him, I have no doubt that he would do what was necessary to protect you. And I think he'd be level headed enough to not go overboard.. what I mean is that he will not beat the tar out of some idiot when the situation just calls for a verbal dressing down.

I think that you are spending a lot of time worrying about things that are not even problems. Staying up alone all night most nights can do this. There is something about the middle of the night that mades the human brain start thinking about things that are not even problems.

You might benefit from things that calm your brain down so you stop this. There's a good tea called Calm. It works well. Stop staying up all night by yourself. Go snuggle with your hubby and get some sleep during normal sleep hours.

Having a sleep cycle that is different from your husband's can ruin your marriage because it reduces the amount of time the two of you have to spend together. This is a real problem you have.

The topic of this thread is not a real problem.


----------



## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

I find that in general, women are more jealous than men. It's rare that a woman who sees other women hitting on their man do nothing and say nothing. 
Possible causes why your husband doesn't react :
he's a beta type of person, probably not very good at confrontation and at expressing himself
or, he trusts you and knows he has nothing to worry about. So he doesn't see why should he make a big deal out of nothing. Which is a wise attitude, actually. Why to be jealous, when there is nothing to be jealous about?
But we women like to be fought for. We like to see that they are ready to protect us, and fight for us - physically included. It's not just vanity. It makes us feel loved. Do you think if you were interested in another guy, he would be jealous ?


----------



## keepsmiling (Nov 20, 2012)

kittykatz said:


> Is it wrong of me to want him to be a little more protective of me or should I be happy that he handles things the way that he does?
> 
> ...he will do little things like he will want to hold my hand.... like thats a way for him to show the guy that I'm taken...
> 
> Should he be just a little tad bit more aggressive? And is it normal of me to WANT to see him show a little jealousy every now and then?


What I'm reading is about a man who feels secure in the relationship, and protects you in his way (so what if that doesn't involve punching some guy's face in?), and you, who either wants more drama in your life, or you don't appreciate what you've got. He is not your ex. Not all men would overreact. Be glad you found a good man who doesn't go crazy. He doesn't need to, to show that he loves you. Be happy!


----------



## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

kittykatz said:


> Well about him holding my hand when it seems like a guy is checking me out, I wasn't sure if he was intentionally doing this. I wasn't sure if he even noticed the guy checking me out... I thought maybe it was just coincidence that he wanted to hold my hand... because holding hands isn't something that's very uncommon for us. Often times we do hold hands when we're out in public. If it wasn't just coincidence and he really was holding my hand to show that Im with him, then I guess you're right.. that is a way of being protective of me. He did solve the problem with the pervy guy making obscene gestures... but that guy really creeped me out... to the point where I was paranoid about leaving work because I thought he might be the stalker type. I mean if he goes out of his way to come to a restaurant where a girl works especially more than once, just to gawk at her and act like a pervert, I don't think its a stretch to say that he might stalk someone and gawk at them through the windows in their house, possibly even do more than that. I don't know why I can't imagine my husband having to physically protect me if needed.... other than the fact that its just very hard for me to picture. Maybe its because he has never been in a fight before... so its hard for me to imagine him getting physical with someone. Plus he has never directly answered my question when I've asked him what he would do in that type of situation. He just says you can't make up scenarios like that and truthfully be able to say what you'd do... so to me, that's like him saying he doesn't know what he would do.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think I'm going to depart this thread after this because there is looking for solutions and there's looking for problems.

I don't see you looking for solutions.

It sounds like your husband is in a now win situation. It sounds like you're never going to be content and you're always going to look for something. Frankly I think if you husband found the golden fleece of perfect balance of "little jealousy" but not too much and no drama, you'd then start looking at ANOTHER hypothetical issue about him being a provider, but not working TOO much. You seem to want to find fault in him. Sorry, I feel for your husband and this type of attitude never ends well. I truly hope you can find how to be content and happy in thing Kitty.

The reality is this is a YOU issue. Your husband is fine. 

PS I just have to say to SOME of the ladies, my god this thread really shows how hard men have it sometimes because this issue of "the perfect amount of jealousy" thing isn't a single issue. Some women have this attitude about EVERY aspect of a relationship. The man in your life has to be the perfect mix of everything. 
Your man has to be Jealous, but not TOO much. 
Your man has to be sensitive, but just enough
Your man has to be tough, but don't be an a$$
Your man has to be bad boy, but only in the little spurts when you want it and NEVER towards any other woman.

How about after you've said "Yes, this is the man I want to spend my life with" You stop then trying to find faults. The key to a long term happy relationship is acceptance and contentment. Learn to be content with what you have, accept the negatives and you'll find life to be a lot more bright and happy.

AGAIN....this is SOME women...I know a lot of women who know this lesson. Also this does apply to a lot of men too...so guys..if you suffer from this "she needs to be x but not too much"....work on yourself too.


----------



## iBolt (Aug 28, 2012)

Dad&Hubby said:


> I think I'm going to depart this thread after this because there is looking for solutions and there's looking for problems.
> 
> I don't see you looking for solutions.
> 
> ...


WOW!!! You have just nailed it for me. Kitty, this is the reason for my why I most likely will be calling an end on my marriage. It has become totally impossible to please. I have become totally disillusioned with what my wife wants and have lost my own sense of what I am meant to be as a man. 

I really do think that too many women (based on my experience) have read way too much of fairy tales about a knight in shining armour who goes around slaying dragons to secure the heart of a damsel in distress. Uptown (a well known contributor on TAM) mentioned sometime last year about a characteristic trait of people with BPD. I saw pretty much all of that in my wife. Most troubling is this goal shifting tendency. You can NEVER score with such people. Their needs can never be met. You might as well try filling the grand canyon with water from a handheld water pistol. 

After a while - you give up. Life is too frigging short. There's insecurity which we all have but then there is an obsession with the object of that insecurity. Damn, this is just scary.

KittyKat, don't be surprised if one day, your husband gets fed up with YOUR insecurity.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

iBolt said:


> I really do think that too many women (based on my experience) have read way too much of fairy tales about a knight in shining armour who goes around slaying dragons to secure the heart of a damsel in distress.


 Awe, I love those fairy tales, but they can be tweeked a little too...to fit who we are...... I've referred to my husband as *my Knight* and me *the Damsel in Distress* - how it played out in our beginning, it kinda fits our story..... ...but he's always been a bit more BETA....that is probably not in the script ! He was bullied in early High school too.... No fights - like Kitty's husband as well... so no slaying of Alpha dragons in our story.... though it's still  to ME.... and could be for you as well Kitty.. 

Dad & Hubby ....that was a superb post :smthumbup:... Not all men can BE all things to their women's high expectations...... When we marry, we need to understand our differences ...his natural born weaknesses & strengths.... in time these things can be worked on/ communicated.... just do it hand in hand...bare with one another...

From my husband I learned how to be MORE patient, even how to love myself again, more giving... from ME, he has learned to be more assertive, to take for himself...and not feel guilty. 

Kitty, you mention he doesn't show a lot of emotion.. He is likely more Logical / THINKING over emotional / FEELING...this too a part of his temperament. This will be as difficult to change as getting an emotional women to lay that down, tame herself and act like your husband. 

I bet you are a *Melancholy* (over thinking - can be critical at times) and he is a Phlegmatic (Passive , laid back, cool, not showing much emotion). 

Scroll half way down this page and read the about *the Phlegmatic * ... Does this fit him? 

the 4 Temperaments


----------



## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

Personally I think it shows how much he trusts you, he probably isn't jealous because he knows what your response will be to outside influences.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I think this is a good article on Jealousy -- 
Does Jealousy Prove Love? | What is Love, Dr. Cookerly? 

This shows the tragic side of Jealousy... the beginning of the article here ... 



> “*A little jealousy proves she loves me, doesn’t it?*” “I love it when he gets really jealous. It makes him act so dominant and sexy!” “I guess she really loves me because she went over and beat up my ex when she found out my ex and I were talking again.”....
> 
> In my counseling practice I work with a lot of people who have problems with jealousy. Frequently they are very serious problems. Sometimes I hear things like, “Dr. Cookerly, *I’m jealous so doesn’t that prove I really love”… so-and-so. My answer is usually something like, “I’m sorry to say that in my understanding jealousy doesn’t prove love. It proves insecurity”. In essence jealousy is replacement fear.*
> 
> ...


----------

