# I miss him...But...



## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

hi everyone. Havent posted for a while but been lurking and keeping up with everyones posts. Some of you have helped me a lot over the holiday season without you even knowing!

So hubby picked up the keys for his new place 2 weeks before xmas and started moving in. All his stuff was moved out by Dec 20th. It was a very difficult time for both of us. He stayed with us for xmas and new year and also stayed with us last weekend. So this week its all back to work and routines are back in place after the school holidays. He spent his 3rd night away from home last night.

Despite my fears and anxiety that he was leaving me for the OW and abandoning us thankfully none of this has transpired. We see him everyday and at the weekends, we do things with the children and together, he txts me during the day from work and always txts me good morning and good night. Confusing in some respects but comforting also. Im still not sure at all whhat the future holds for us and i am trying to just go with the flow for the time being. Hes still not ready to talk about the future or our relationship but i suppose actions speak louder than words and the fact that we are getting on a lot better and that he hasnt just dissapeared of the face of the earth is a positive. I know that his behaviouron could be looked at as cake eating, but to be honest, i am too. Im not ready to give him any ultimatums yet and am happy to go with the flow.

The reason for starting this thread this morning was because i was having a shaky moment. I have come on leaps and bounds over the last couple of months and have gone from a complete emotional wreck to a more stable place. BUT this morning, i got my daughter up for school and it just hit me. I miss him. The house was so quiet and i just miss his physical pressence. I just want him to come home. I want to hold him and love him and for everything to be ok. I never thought in a million years that this would happen to us, i thought we were indistructable, it breaks my heart 

However! Having the space from him is giving me a chance to think more about what i want. There are lots of changes that wld need to happen on both sides if we were to reconcile and to be honest I am begining to wonder if his EA was a deal breaker for me. No matter what he says, or how much he reassures me it still causes me great anxiety and i am heartbroken over it. I pushed myself to forgive him and to put it behind me, but i just cant at the moment. He still works with the OW and it kills me. 

I know only time will tell and i have to be patient but i just feel so let down by him and something inside of me has died and i dont think i will ever get that back.





http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/29507-need-advice-18-year-marriage.html


http://talkaboutmarriage.com/considering-divorce-separation/35967-things-progressing.html


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

> something inside of me has died and i dont think i will ever get that back


Exactly how I felt this morning after waking up with the worst feeling.

The empty bed. The empty room. The empty closets. The fact that she gave us up so easily. The love is dying inside me, and I'm scared. Very scared. I don't know why.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Something inside you HAS died (the old relationship, the dreams, hopes, etc) but I can assure you, something will grow in its place even bigger and better and is waiting for you on The Other Side.

Keep your head up


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## NaturalHeart (Nov 13, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Something inside you HAS died (the old relationship, the dreams, hopes, etc) but I can assure you, something will grow in its place even bigger and better and is waiting for you on The Other Side.
> 
> Keep your head up


 
That was sweet. That is true.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

synthetic said:


> Exactly how I felt this morning after waking up with the worst feeling.
> 
> The empty bed. The empty room. The empty closets. The fact that she gave us up so easily. The love is dying inside me, and I'm scared. Very scared. I don't know why.


How are you today? Its just terrible isnt it. 
He was at my house last night to look after the kids while i was in work. He stayed for about half an hour when i got home and we chatted. Then its time for him to go and the anxiety and sadness hite me all over again. I dont know if it would be easier if i had NC with him or not, but after 18 years the thought of this is unbearable!

This will be my first weekend without him staying home. I feel so anxious today and that knot in the pit of my stomach is a constant reminder that all isnt as it should be.

He said he wil be coming over first thing in the morning, to clean my car, then go for a walk with my daughter. Part of me is telling me to tell him not to bother as i need to distance myself from him but then maybe this is just his way of working towards R. He wont talk about anything and i know if i push him to it will just push him away. I suppose i just need to give it time.

The fact that he still works with the OW absolutely cripples me. He swears that its all over and he doesnt want her but all the same its a killer and might even end up being a deal breaker for me. Again only time will tell but i cant bare to go through this again.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Something inside you HAS died (the old relationship, the dreams, hopes, etc) but I can assure you, something will grow in its place even bigger and better and is waiting for you on The Other Side.
> 
> Keep your head up


Jellybeans, all your post are always so wise and and positive. I know i am grieving for the marriage we once had, but you know, looking back it wasnt that perfect. We have had a lot of issues to deal with over the last 18 years and maybe i do deserve better, but the one thing that i could always rely on was his love and i just cant believe it has gone.

I found a letter the other day that he wrote me about 3 years ago telling me how much he loved and adored me and promised me that he was trying so hard to be the husband that i deserved. I felt so sad when i read it. How can that love have dissapeared so quickly? Its just heartbreaking.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Im feeling very anxious today. I dont know why. Maybe its because the weekend is coming up. The first one he will be sleeping away from home. But thats just it, he ONLY actually sleeps away, every other minute of the day, when he is not in work, he is here!! I dont get it!

My IC told me to focus on the positives and i have a lot to be positive about i know that, but isnt it wierd how the negatives push themselves to the fronf of your mind much easier?

So my positives at the moment
Hes here everyday after work
He spends all his free time with us
Tommorrow he is coming down early (his words) to clean and polish my car for me
Then he suggested we go for a nice walk and a picnic with my daughter.

So as long as i keepmy anxiety in check, we should have a good weekend!! Are these really the actions of a man who doesnt love his wife? I cant believe he would be spending so much time with me if he didnt want to? 
Anyone got any thoughts on this?


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

My first thought on this would be he has a feeling of guilt for leaving you and your children. He may not wish to be with you anymore be he knows this is his fault so he is trying to atleast in his eyes, make this as easy for you as he can.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

uphillbattle said:


> My first thought on this would be he has a feeling of guilt for leaving you and your children. He may not wish to be with you anymore be he knows this is his fault so he is trying to atleast in his eyes, make this as easy for you as he can.


Thats what im afraid of to be honest. He felt very guilty and ashamed for a long time, but that seems to have lifted a bit now and his old personality is starting to come through again.

My kids are 17, 15 and 10, so not babies, and over xmas there were plenty of times when the children werent about (sleepovers etc) and he still chose to spend his time with me, just chilling watching dvds, or going for walks. So i really dont know to be honest.

Im just so afraid of getting hurt again!


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## Why Not Be Happy? (Apr 16, 2010)

Sounds to me like he is still interested in you.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

I got upset ( again!) last night before he left. It's difficult not too but I'm getting better at it.
I was very anxious yesterday and he did all the right things in trying to help me with that.

We he went last night we txted a few times and I asked him does he just want to be friends now? He said
Im just seeing how it goes. I dont have a plan or anything if you know what i mean. I find this difficult as well. Just trying to take it one day at a time x (actual message).

So then I asked him if he was just doing things with me out of guilt or obligation? And he replied
Im not spending tme with you just for those reasons. I want to go out tomorrow but i know it cant be easy for you so if you ever feel like you need me out the way dont thinlk i will take it the wrong way. I want to go out for a walk tomorrow as long as its ok with youx (actual message)

So any thoughts on this anyone?
He seems quite happy to just be going with the flow but I'm ow that if we have any chance of a successful R then discussions need to take place at some point. I need to know what be wants. What makes him happy and what he doesn't likeand he also needs to know what I want and need. I'm trying to think of an informal way of approaching this with him. 

Any thoughts? X
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Ps sorry for typing errors. Difficult to post on iPhone x
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cogo123 (Jan 5, 2012)

It's strange because as you posted he is spending time with you and coming around for the kids which is good but is he doing this to help himself gradually separate himself from what his world was to what it will become?
It's so difficult to understand why we do the things we do. I just hope he unknowingly is doing this so he can find it easier to move on if he separates himself gradually. If you ask him he most likely will say no but psychologically he may be doing just that.
It would be great if while going through this separation process that you both find you are happier together than you are apart and you begin a new life together.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

You are spot on Cogo as this is one of the things that I worry about. Is he gradually separating from me because the pain of doing it in one go is too difficult for us both! I just don't know.
All I know is that I've got to be patient and try to put some boundaries in place to protect myself. I also know that IF we do end up back together it's not something that is going to happen quickly. We both need time to heal.

We had a lovely morning. A Coastal walk and picnic with my daughter. 
He's gone to lay some carpets then he's coming back later and we are going to the movies!!
My crazy life!! x
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## devotedtomywife (Jan 13, 2012)

You sound a lot like me, except my wife moved out with the kids, and still has OM. 

Funny thing is, our friendship has gotten much better - we stopped fighting, we talk constantly - we were together over the holidays and went on long walks together and talked constantly. We talk on the phone most days and text every day. She moved a fair distance away, back to her family, so I can't see her daily.

Our communication and friendship fell apart during our marriage - now its coming back. I hope its a first step towards reconciliation, but I know at least it will mean a better friendship if nothing else.

Hang in there, keep talking with your spouse, build those ties - show them why they once loved you and hope you both can find that spark again. Don't give up until you've tried everything you can.

I firmly believe in fighting for a marriage - divorce is too easy in today's society.

Good luck.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Devotedtomywife: thanks for your post. Must be very difficult for you knowing your wife is with the OM. I admire your courage. For a long time I thought my H was leaving me for the OW but slowly I am realising this is not the case. Even though he still works with her and this is very tough for me I am beginning to move on and very slowly the anxiety is fading and the trust is returning. 

We had a good weekend. Spent most of it togethe and with the kids except for a few hours on Sunday when he went out for a spin on his motorbike and I went for a coffee with friends. 
Things are getting more relaxed and when he had gone Saturday night we had long long conversation through txtin about our regrets from the past. We also briefly discussed the AE and he has taken full responsibility for what happened but is finding it extremely difficult to forgive himself. In his words 'I became the man I never thought I would be and I have done a terrible thing to you'.
When he came around Sunday morning I was still in bed. He came upstairs and knocked on the bedroom door and we had a lovely snuggle in bed for half an hour before getting up.

So let's see whatthe week brings. I sway from wanting to give him an ultimatum but I think it's too soon for that. I feel our friendship is in the mend. I'm continuing to work on myself, ESP my anxiety and mental attitude. I've lost a out 14lb, which is great and H mentioned yesterday that he wld pay for me to join the local health club if I want!! In the past he has said it's too expensive!!

I guess I'm in it for the long haul folks. I truly love my H, and I want my marriage to work. I'm hoping in time he will come home! X
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

I love reading posts that smell like reconciliation  

You're a lovely gal Daisygirl. Never lose hope. Your husband will come back.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Synthetic: Thankyou for the positive feedback. Of course my ultimate goal is for my H to come back, i think we are a long way off that yet though, but as this goes on i feel i am becoming stronger and hopefully will be able to deal with the outcome whatever it may be.

Had a bit of a wobbly morning as i decided to sit down and sort out the finances. My H has NO interest in money whatsover!! He has opened a seperate bank account but insist that my wages and his wages should still be paid into our joint account and that I am to decide home much miney to give HIM every month!! Crazy eh? So ive been trying to do that this morning. Ive told him im not too happy with the arrangement as it still means that i am in control and responsible for the finances, which i always have been and he said hes not bothered, as long as hes got enough money for living expeneses and a couple of ££ in his pocket, i can have the rest!! I think we will just have to see how this goes.

apart from that ive been ok. Spent my first night away from home last night (due TO work) since October. H stayed at my house with the kids and it went ok. When his EA was going on he used to txt her constantly when i was working my evening shifts, and from the phone bill i cld see that he wld txt me goodnite then carry on txting her, and in the morning he wld txt her before he txt me. So returning to my normal shift patterns has been really difficult for me. Work have been amazing. I am supposed to do 3 sleep outs a week, but they have given me a 3 month window where i only have to do what i am feeling up to doing. I have decided to try 1 sleep out a week to start. My anxiety was very low and i coped well. I was proud of myself. H kept in contact by txt and i rang him at 10pm and it was ok.

So this week i am continuing to try and push the negatives to the back of my mind, and focus on the positives. I still have a lot to be thankfull for in my life. 3 great kids, a good job, a home and good friends, oh and my H, who is hopefully starting to become my best friend again!


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Morning everyone.
Its a horrible day here in the UK. Typical British winter weather. Cold, damp and miserable! BUT i am feeling good today. Why? Well H was here last night looking after the kids until i got home from work at 10pm. I came throught the door and he had lit lots of candles around the fire and had a cuppa waiting for me. He had prepared all the school clothes, sorted my washing out and made the packed lunches ready for school tommorrow. He hugged me hello and kissed me on the cheek, then we just sat for an hour and chatted. It was lovely. We really are atarting to be more relaxed around each other now. Thoroughout the day he txted me silly things and kept me updated on what he was doing in work (rememeber OW works with him), even txting me as soon as he got in from work.

So things are going ok. My anxiety is much better. Im still getting the odd moment but its nothing as bad as it was. Im seeing my counsellor on Monday and unless anything goes really wrong i am thinking that i should only have a few sessions left with her. 

Im feeling stronger in myself, everyday. im not going to get ahead of myself though, but i really feel that we are making progress. H is much more relaxed and we are getting on well. I know we have to rebuild our frienship and respect for each other and thats what im working on.

Oh and my biggest achievement of yesterday? I DIDNT CRY WHEN HE LEFT!!! :smthumbup: Im so proud of myself. I felt sad, but i actually felt ok, and i got up this morning and didnt have that feeling of emptiness and dread inside me. At last i feel like i am healing. I still miss him but that absolute pain in heart is lessening. I never thought this day would come.


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

daisygirl 41 said:


> I found a letter the other day that he wrote me about 3 years ago telling me how much he loved and adored me and promised me that he was trying so hard to be the husband that i deserved. I felt so sad when i read it. How can that love have dissapeared so quickly? Its just heartbreaking.


My ex wrote that kind of letter to me only 4 months before he left me...and 2 months after he met HER.The letter was amazing,expressing his love for me,how nothing in this world matters to him ,how everything is material junk and the only thing that matters is ME ,the love of his life.He tells me I matter the most,not even his mom,dad,brother..etc.he says he is crying when he is writing it to me...etc...


I guess things change in a split second,especially when you meet a 11 years younger single woman that smiles back at you.Too bad ,he just started realizing how much he messed up ..too bad.I only feel bad for my girls,and will never get over their loss.

I hope your H. realizes now what he is going to lose,fingers crossed he comes around and returns home.But even if he doesn't seems like you are doing very well.keep up.


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

devotedtomywife said:


> You sound a lot like me, except my wife moved out with the kids, and still has OM.
> 
> Funny thing is, our friendship has gotten much better - we stopped fighting, we talk constantly - we were together over the holidays and went on long walks together and talked constantly. We talk on the phone most days and text every day. She moved a fair distance away, back to her family, so I can't see her daily.
> 
> ...


 Devoted, 
It really sounds to me like your wife has no reason to return to the marriage. Just think, she is still committing adultery, she gets family time with you and kids, and she still has you as a friend. It sounds like cake-eating to me. This is what all wayward spouses want because it makes them feel better about what they're doing. 

Every wayward spouse wants to keep things amicable "for the kids" because it means in their warped way of thinking that their adultery "wasn't all that bad if husband/wife still wants to be friends".

I'm don't believe there is a real shot at recovery until OM is gone.

Just my 2 cents ....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ishe? (Apr 1, 2011)

marksaysay said:


> Devoted,
> It really sounds to me like your wife has no reason to return to the marriage. Just think, she is still committing adultery, she gets family time with you and kids, and she still has you as a friend. It sounds like cake-eating to me. This is what all wayward spouses want because it makes them feel better about what they're doing.
> 
> Every wayward spouse wants to keep things amicable "for the kids" because it means in their warped way of thinking that their adultery "wasn't all that bad if husband/wife still wants to be friends".
> ...


Sorry to jump on someone else's thread but this post has really hit home with me! 

I have been doing exactly the same thing! For three weeks my wayward h has been sleeping in the spare room, spending time with me and the kids. And also spending as much time with his ow as he wants.

I've been doing the 180 to a point but have been totally enabling his cake eating! 

I'm so dumb! I thought because I wasn't sleeping with him or cooking for him, washing his clothes etc he was having the consequence of his affair. But I've realised he also has been enjoying family time, relieving his guilt, ive been kind and friendly and not holding him to account for his where abouts. 

I've now told him to move out by the end of the week and I am going dark .... He does not deserve me as a friend and I do not deserve to be his second choice

Thank you for this lightbulb moment
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Hi everyone. Haven't posted for a little while so just updating. Things are ok and we continue to spend lots of time together. My anxiety is lessening, thank goodness, and I'm still just trying to take things a day at a time.
I saw my IC yesterday and one of the things that came up was I'm unsure of what 'this' is now. Are we reconciling or what! Im unsure. I'm not going to push anything at the moment though as I'm just not ready but I am Definately going to put more boundaries in place. 

I'm doing a lot if reading, which helps, but sometimes I just feel overloaded with information and advice and It wears me out.

We had a good weekend on the whole. Had a quiet day Saturday just playing the XBox and relaxing and on Sunday we took our D for a lovely walk. There were a few teas I admit as we had to sit down and sort out our new budget, but it's done now and before he went on Sunday evening we sat and had a cuddle. He said he hates seeing me upset and that he was sorry! So sad but I'm hoping this seperation will just give him the space he needs to sort his head out!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

I dont know how much longer i can stay in limbo land!!
He wont discuss anything. How he feels, the future, nothing. When i talk he just sits there or hugs me and says nothing! I need to know what "this" is. Are we just friends now or are we working on out marriage? He wont answer me. Part of me says to just hang on in there and go with the flow but last night i came the closests to telling him that i dont want to be his friend anymore and that if he cant be my husband then he has to stay away! I think i need to give myself a time frame. I think i shall set a goal for 6 months. If theres no sign in him coming home by then its time for me to move on. 

I love him to bits but i cant wait for him for ever. I can feel myself brgining to get resentful and ambivilant towards him. Heartbreaking


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## BrokenHearted15 (Feb 6, 2012)

This definitely sounds like cake eating to me. He is getting all of the "family man" benefits, without having to be with you. He has his freedom and his kids in his life daily, that is a PERFECT situation for a Dad who is going through a separation or divorce. He is having all of the positives with NONE of the negatives. This isn't fair. You also sound like you are allowing him and his actions to determine your worth and mood.......You need to think about you and your strength and happiness, NOT HIS. I am shocked that he even attempted to act this way. just my opinion, you do what you need to.


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## BrokenHearted15 (Feb 6, 2012)

daisygirl 41 said:


> I dont know how much longer i can stay in limbo land!!
> He wont discuss anything. How he feels, the future, nothing. When i talk he just sits there or hugs me and says nothing! I need to know what "this" is. Are we just friends now or are we working on out marriage? He wont answer me. Part of me says to just hang on in there and go with the flow but last night i came the closests to telling him that i dont want to be his friend anymore and that if he cant be my husband then he has to stay away! I think i need to give myself a time frame. I think i shall set a goal for 6 months. If theres no sign in him coming home by then its time for me to move on.
> 
> I love him to bits but i cant wait for him for ever. I can feel myself brgining to get resentful and ambivilant towards him. Heartbreaking


My take is that he doesn't want to talk about things because he will lose his "cake"......please be careful and take care of you.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

daisygirl 41 said:


> I dont know how much longer i can stay in limbo land!!


How long do you want to stay there? The choice is yours. 



daisygirl 41 said:


> He wont discuss anything. How he feels, the future, nothing. When i talk he just sits there or hugs me and says nothing! I need to know what "this" is. Are we just friends now or are we working on out marriage? He wont answer me. I love him to bits but i cant wait for him for ever. I can feel myself brgining to get resentful and ambivilant towards him. Heartbreaking


If he won't work together WITH you on/in the marriage, then he's working against you.

His inaction and non-responses to your questions says it all.

Stop pining/groveling for him. Tell him the above. That if he isn't going to put forth effort in the marriage, you will take that to mean he isn't interested in the marriage. This would greatly aggravate me.

Take a stand.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Jellybeans and brokenhearted,

I hear you!
I know what i should be doing and i am getting there i promise you. Im still not ready to give ultimatums BUT i have discussed with him how i need my space and that he has to stop coming around so often. I am letting go. 

The need to cling on to him and be with him at all costs its fading and i find myself questioning whether i still love and miss him or if i just miss what we had. My feelings are changing towards him but i dont know if this is a good or a bad thing. i suppose for my mental health and peace of mind it is a good thing but it still makes me feel very sad. The thought of a life without him is not so unbearable and i almost find myself looking forward to a new future. 

If my future is to be with him theres are a lot of changes that have to be made. If its not with him, then so be it. Theres someone out there for me who will love me the way i deserved to be loved, im sure of it


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

daisygirl 41 said:


> Jellybeans and brokenhearted,
> 
> I hear you!
> I know what i should be doing and i am getting there i promise you. Im still not ready to give ultimatums BUT i have discussed with him how i need my space and that he has to stop coming around so often. I am letting go.
> ...


Exactly. I imagine you on't like the way he is treating you. You are romanticizing him and your relationship, what was, not what or who he is now. Stop clinging. Let go or be dragged.

If he gave a crap about you, he would tell you and show it.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

So we talked. He said friendship is all he can give me right now. He's sorry for hurting me and truly cares for me but that's all he can give. We both cried. He was visibly upset.we spoke about divorce. Neither of us us ready for that yet. We spoke about finances. Money is a bit tight but be said the house is mine and the kids and he will never see us short of cash whatever happens.

Life just stinks at the moment. X
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

daisygirl 41 said:


> So we talked. He said friendship is all he can give me right now. He's sorry for hurting me and truly cares for me but that's all he can give. We both cried. He was visibly upset.we spoke about divorce. Neither of us us ready for that yet. We spoke about finances. Money is a bit tight but be said the house is mine and the kids and he will never see us short of cash whatever happens.
> 
> Life just stinks at the moment. X
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Maybe MLC? Any chance of MC?

Mine has almost said the same thing but I don't believe him... why should I he left us. He hasn't done anything to help our situation in anyway shape or form. But I am w/ you. I think he needs time and hope he will change his mind, but I don't know how much longer I can wait either. I keep saying I am a patient person... but not when there are no signs of him trying (just the opposite). The day before he moved out he was still making my coffee and walking me to my car in the morning (no kiss like there use to be but it was still part of a sweet routine).

I don't know if there's OW or what at this point if he would be willing to go to MC I'd try to work w/ him through anything.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

daisygirl 41 said:


> So we talked. He said friendship is all he can give me right now. He's sorry for hurting me and truly cares for me but that's all he can give. We both cried. He was visibly upset.we spoke about divorce. Neither of us us ready for that yet. We spoke about finances. Money is a bit tight but be said the house is mine and the kids and he will never see us short of cash whatever happens.
> 
> Life just stinks at the moment. X
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Boy I am sorry DG. We have shared several of those hugs and tear moments. So sad. I still think she is confused from the MLC, I could be wrong.

She can not give me her full heart or commitment to our marriage, but she is trying with weekend visits. I say that with the hope she will continue and work towards reconciling. It would be a shame to throw away 20 years together. Especially if it is because of a MLC.

I wish you well.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

DG, My situation is so similar as I read back. In January I was saying I was tired of limboland, so I said to her we either needed to start moving back to trying or move on. So now we are doing weekends. I know this could end (I hope not), but it took me out of the limbo stage.

Are you doing MC? It sounds like you have hope like I do. If you are not doing MC, but can, find someone you both can agree on. It is worth it.


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

My wife and I have been together almost 20 years now. We have so many issues now...We havent't said I love you in way over a year now. There's much more going on there. No cheating though. She is my best best best friend. even if I hate her some days. If we were to divorce, I would miss the friendship the most. No OW would or can replace that. That is why I haven't cheated. I don't want to hurt her like that.

I think you may be you husbands best friend and he NEEDS you. I know he must feel so bad. Maybe he needs you to forgive him? Really forgive him and not just say it.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

This is me said:


> DG, My situation is so similar as I read back. In January I was saying I was tired of limboland, so I said to her we either needed to start moving back to trying or move on. So now we are doing weekends. I know this could end (I hope not), but it took me out of the limbo stage.
> 
> Are you doing MC? It sounds like you have hope like I do. If you are not doing MC, but can, find someone you both can agree on. It is worth it.


No MC he refuses. Says nobody can help him!!
Im in IC and it has helped me a lot to.

Hows the weekend visits going for you?
i swing from wanting to give up on hope to wanting to hold on with everything ive got. I am definately getting stronger emotionally, i am back in work full time and my anxiety has all but disapeared. I am starting to see things more clearly. Its still not easy though!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Daisy, please let go of him as soon as possible.
He doesn't want to be married and that is clear as day.
It's in your best interest to not stay on "friend" terms wth him since he's broken your heart and it will take longer to recover. 
Did he cheat on you? I can't remember.

Stay strong.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Hi everyone, thankyou for your comments x

Mamatomany - MLC? I think almost definately. He is 40 next week!! We were going to have a lovely celebration for his birthday. Now we are doing nothing!!

He had a 6 week EA last may but there is no OW now.

Already Gone I agree with you, I am his best friend, i am his ONLY friend and i know he needs me. Yes I have forgiven him but as you say i have to show him and I am. There has been no talk of his EA for weeks and i just want us to move on.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Jellybeans - you are like that little voice of reason sitting on my shoulder!! lol
He had an EA with a co worker last April/May. Lasted about 6 weeks. Txting only.

I started putting more boundaries in place this week and am feeling stronger and my mind is clearer. I have told him he has to give me more space. He has the children 3 evenings a week for me to work so i told him he didnt need to see then this evening (wed) but he called in for a cup of tea on his way home from worl for 5 mins and he burst into tears!! WTF! He hasnt showed any emotions for a while now. It was really odd and awkward! It really threw me.
Feeling sorry for himself maybe?

Also i asked him at the weekend if he wanted an official seperation agreement, he said no and hes still wearing his wedding ring!

MLC? Confused.com? x


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

daisygirl 41 said:


> Jellybeans - you are like that little voice of reason sitting on my shoulder!! lol


:rofl::rofl:

That's cute. 



I would suggest reading the book Love Must Be Tough by James Dobson. 

I'm confused--he said he could only give you freindship yet doesn't want to separate officially. You're not living together right? 

He's fence-sitting. Time for you to move the fence. Don't let him eat cake.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

No not living together now. 
But he still wants to keep everything informal and platonic.
He hasnt even stopped his pay going into our joint bank account!!
Ill have a google for the book.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Are you SURE there is no one else? All the classic signs are there, dear.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Im as sure as i can be.
He still works with the OW BUT i have found absolutely no evidence of any contact outside of work since last june.
Ive even got a key to his flat, been up there and snooped (sorry!!) and nothing at all. 
He spends ALL his spare time with the kids and me!


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

daisygirl 41 said:


> No MC he refuses. Says nobody can help him!!
> Im in IC and it has helped me a lot to.
> 
> Hows the weekend visits going for you?
> i swing from wanting to give up on hope to wanting to hold on with everything ive got. I am definately getting stronger emotionally, i am back in work full time and my anxiety has all but disapeared. I am starting to see things more clearly. Its still not easy though!


That is a shame that he won't join you. There are many books that can help if only one person is trying. I like Divorce Busters. It has helped me be patient through this trying year.

The weekend visits have been going well. We have had three and all were very pleasant. We have always been good companions and travel partners, so the time apart has been especially hard. She will be coming by again this weekend and we have MC Friday night, so my hopes are up.

Her tone as of lately seems to be more loving which I hope is the sign she is coming out of the fog and is seeing what I have seen the whole time. That our marriage is worth saving.

I hear you about how tough it is. The roller coaster ride has been unbelievable. Some days were very sad and dark, but some filled with hope. 

I wish you well!


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

This Is Me - all sounds very positive. Im very pleased for you.


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## dontpanic (Feb 23, 2012)

Daisygirl - Keep the faith! You are getting stronger every day. You should be proud of yourself for going to IC. I hope that he will come around soon and go too.

I relate so well to your story. I am married almost 16 yrs and am in 7th week of the trial separation. My husband also has tremendous guilt and shame for the past, but with the help of his IC and our MC, we are both growing and getting past it. We are still in limbo and have no idea if this will end in R or D. But the MC helps us communicate much better. Your hub really needs to IC to help him understand the source of his feelings. He is so scared though. I hope that he has the courage to look at himself the way you are.

I am praying for you.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

dontpanic said:


> Daisygirl - Keep the faith! You are getting stronger every day. You should be proud of yourself for going to IC. I hope that he will come around soon and go too.
> 
> I relate so well to your story. I am married almost 16 yrs and am in 7th week of the trial separation. My husband also has tremendous guilt and shame for the past, but with the help of his IC and our MC, we are both growing and getting past it. We are still in limbo and have no idea if this will end in R or D. But the MC helps us communicate much better. Your hub really needs to IC to help him understand the source of his feelings. He is so scared though. I hope that he has the courage to look at himself the way you are.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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