# Heartbroken and devastated



## Threeblessings (Sep 23, 2015)

Hi Everyone,
We are on the road to divorce. My husband is pressuring me to sign his divorce papers now. We have been separated for just gone 2 years. The marriage didn't survive due to infidelity issues and a whole lot of other stuff. It's occurred to me that I am being pressured to sign these papers because he has someone else that he met at work. I'm almost certain he wouldn't have told her why our marriage cracked. That would make him look like an idiot. I want to hate him but I just cannot. He has told me many times that he hates me, despises me and tells me that no one could ever love me. He accuses me of damaging his self esteem???? He doesn't know that I know about the other woman. With everything that has happened, I developed depression and anxiety. My anxiety has worsened today. I feel like screaming and punching him. I don't even have the courage to do this! Please help me, I don't know what to do. I am trying to hide my feelings from the children without bursting into tears. I am also studying a degree and have assignments due in the next 2 weeks before the semester is over. I am struggling to concentrate. I have come a long way and don't want to fail. Thank you for reading.:frown2:


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## jencork (Oct 5, 2015)

So sorry to hear about your struggles. I too am separated due to my husband's cheating. 
Your depression and anxiety are understandable, but they also indicate that you are turning your negative emotions inwards. Don't punish yourself for your husband's misdeeds! Start by telling him you knew of his infidelity and that it disgusts you. If you can't talk to him right now, just put it all down on paper or have an imaginary conversation in your head. Next, set about punishing him for throwing away the best thing that ever happened to him. Not by striking out directly, but by becoming your most vibrant and sexy self. Go out there and grab life by the b**lls. You deserve it and you will find love again. Chin up girl. You'll get there x


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

This man does NOT deserve someone like you. You are better than him and his bad choices and miserable mistakes. Sign the papers, get some closure and do what @jencork said. Get on with becoming your best self! 

Don't listen to the lies he's putting in your head about you being unlovable. I can tell just by the brief interactions we have had that the complete opposite is the TRUTH. Not what he says. He doesn't get to dictate your world view or view of yourself anymore. His opinion means nothing.


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## Threeblessings (Sep 23, 2015)

SecondTime'Round said:


> This man does NOT deserve someone like you. You are better than him and his bad choices and miserable mistakes. Sign the papers, get some closure and do what @jencork said. Get on with becoming your best self!
> 
> Don't listen to the lies he's putting in your head about you being unlovable. I can tell just by the brief interactions we have had that the complete opposite is the TRUTH. Not what he says. He doesn't get to dictate your world view or view of yourself anymore. His opinion means nothing.



Thank you so much. I will try my best to starting making changes for myself. I feel really sick tonight . I'm not alone and need to keep reminding myself of this.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Threeblessings said:


> Thank you so much. I will try my best to starting making changes for myself. I feel really sick tonight . I'm not alone and need to keep reminding myself of this.


Do they have Meetup in Australia? (Or the equivalent) If so, try to find a single moms Meetup group to join.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Have you discussed this with an attorney?
Have you spoken to your family doctor about the stress/anxiety?
Its not at all uncommon for folks going through divorce and separation to suffer from depression and many get help from counseling, so consider that as another tool to survive this.

Why has this been dragging on for two years? Look, I'm not on your H's side, but the longer this drags, the longer it will be for you to fully heal.

And I would SOOO tell him you know about his infidelity. He's an A$$, trying to shift the blame off himself. Call him on it. You might feel better.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Pluto2 said:


> Have you discussed this with an attorney?
> Have you spoken to your family doctor about the stress/anxiety?
> Its not at all uncommon for folks going through divorce and separation to suffer from depression and many get help from counseling, so consider that as another tool to survive this.
> 
> ...


I agree! Why are you protecting him?


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## Threeblessings (Sep 23, 2015)

Pluto2 said:


> Have you discussed this with an attorney?
> Have you spoken to your family doctor about the stress/anxiety?
> Its not at all uncommon for folks going through divorce and separation to suffer from depression and many get help from counseling, so consider that as another tool to survive this.
> 
> ...


Pluto2 - It has taken this long as we were undecided about what to do. During this time we attended counselling and mediation. Neither worked. There was also a property and kids issues that needed to be resolved. The last 12 weeks or so has been spent providing documents to the legal office etc before a formal property settlement can occur. I am going to make an appointment with the doctor tomorrow. I also have an appointment with a lawyer tomorrow.


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## Threeblessings (Sep 23, 2015)

SecondTime'Round said:


> I agree! Why are you protecting him?


I bought this up briefly when he dropped the kids stuff off earlier and he denied it like he did with the first two affairs. The difference is I had evidence before this time I don't have any physical evidence.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Threeblessings said:


> I bought this up briefly when he dropped the kids stuff off earlier and he denied it like he did with the first two affairs. The difference is I had evidence before this time I don't have any physical evidence.


Been there. my ex denied, well still denies everything. Dumb. In our case my DD14 found some hard evidence of one A (he denied), and I found evidence of several others (he denied). Don't give his denial a second thought. Its cheater-speak for I can't admit my own actions. Remember he still has to live with himself, but you don't.

Have you tried the 180, as a way to help you detach? How old are your kids? Are you getting out of the house with friends?


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## Threeblessings (Sep 23, 2015)

SecondTime'Round said:


> Do they have Meetup in Australia? (Or the equivalent) If so, try to find a single moms Meetup group to join.


I'm not sure about this but I will try find out. Thanks for the suggestion.


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## Threeblessings (Sep 23, 2015)

Pluto2 said:


> Been there. my ex denied, well still denies everything. Dumb. In our case my DD14 found some hard evidence of one A (he denied), and I found evidence of several others (he denied). Don't give his denial a second thought. Its cheater-speak for I can't admit my own actions. Remember he still has to live with himself, but you don't.
> 
> Have you tried the 180, as a way to help you detach? How old are your kids? Are you getting out of the house with friends?


I have seen the 180 thing mentioned on here a lot but I don't really know what it is, will Google it. Children are 4, 7 and 12. To be honest, I don't meet with friends too much as I am so busy with the children, my studies and part time job.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You need to see a Solicitor ASAP.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Don't sign anything until you've seen your attorney and your physician. Listen to your attorney. You have three children and all are very young. As your husband wants the divorce, he will end up with child support and alimony for you.

Focus on yourself. Do not try to protect your cheating husband. Do not let go of your part time job and school. You will need employment skills later on in your life. Meanwhile, get your mindset in order. Most likely, your physician will refer you to a psychiatrist to address your anxiety.

Sorry that you are here.


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## Threeblessings (Sep 23, 2015)

MattMatt said:


> You need to see a Solicitor ASAP.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I have an appointment tomorrow. Hope it goes well.


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## Threeblessings (Sep 23, 2015)

Roselyn said:


> Don't sign anything until you've seen your attorney and your physician. Listen to your attorney. You have three children and all are very young. As your husband wants the divorce, he will end up with child support and alimony for you.
> 
> Focus on yourself. Do not try to protect your cheating husband. Do not let go of your part time job and school. You will need employment skills later on in your life. Meanwhile, get your mindset in order. Most likely, your physician will refer you to a psychiatrist to address your anxiety.
> 
> Sorry that you are here.


Thank you. I have skills and certificates to my name. I am upskilling with the intention of creating a better life for the children and me. I have come along way in my degree and I would very much like to finish it.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Threeblessings said:


> I have an appointment tomorrow. Hope it goes well.


Cool!

You do realise that all our friends on TAM who live in the USA went: "See a Solicitor?" :wtf:

:rofl:


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## Threeblessings (Sep 23, 2015)

MattMatt said:


> Cool!
> 
> You do realise that all our friends on TAM who live in the USA went: "See a Solicitor?" :wtf:
> 
> :rofl:


Yes, I noticed this. I used to live in the UK and used the word, solicitor. In Australia, the same people are known as lawyers and in South Africa/USA - attorneys.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

OP- I'm truly sorry for the spot you are in.

However, you cannot control your Husband's actions. He doesn't deserve you and certainly doesn't know how to treat the mother of his children or his wife.

Do a hard 180 and do it for you.

Focus on yourself and the kids. Be the best role model you can be.

Don't sign a thing without having a lawyer make sure it is in your best interests and the best interest of your children. Your H has proven that he cannot be trusted and it sounds like he's trying to pressure you into making a bad situation even worse for you. He obviously does not have your best interests at heart and is only looking out for himself. He sounds like a very selfish and childish person. His new "love interest" will get what she has coming. If he treats you this way, he'll eventually do the same to her. 

All the best
WD


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## Threeblessings (Sep 23, 2015)

workindad said:


> OP- I'm truly sorry for the spot you are in.
> 
> However, you cannot control your Husband's actions. He doesn't deserve you and certainly doesn't know how to treat the mother of his children or his wife.
> 
> ...


Sorry if it came across as though I was trying to control his actions. This is not the case at all. I naively thought the H would have had a little respect until our divorce was over with. I may be old-fashioned, but this is just another case of infidelity to add to his record. Thanks for your concern .


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I swear there are a bunch of horny little goblins that got their hands on a transformation spell and are masquerading as spouses!

Sorry OP.

Keep calm, don't listen to the greasy little creature that fooled you into marriage.

Divorce him hard and cold and recover and go find a human to mate with. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Threeblessings (Sep 23, 2015)

ConanHub said:


> I swear there are a bunch of horny little goblins that got their hands on a transformation spell and are masquerading as spouses!
> 
> Sorry OP.
> 
> ...


Someday ConanHub, after this ordeal and the heartbreak and loneliness that has ensued I am not looking for anyone else. Also, I don't have any confidence and as a result of the infidelity I want to change everything about myself. For example, how I look, what I wear. All of that stuff.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Threeblessings said:


> Someday ConanHub, after this ordeal and the heartbreak and loneliness that has ensued I am not looking for anyone else. Also, I don't have any confidence and as a result of the infidelity I want to change everything about myself. For example, how I look, what I wear. All of that stuff.


Ah, see, all that lack of confidence might be because you, internally, are assuming some of the blame for your STBX's infidelity. Stop that right now, missy! He cheated because he could, that is who he is. It is all him. Maybe you didn't have a perfect marriage, maybe there were communication issues that you can legitimately seek to improve upon. Maybe you need to develop a way to enforce your boundaries in a relationship? If so, then by all means work to change those issues. But would those have prevented his cheating? I doubt it. You would not have avoided his cheating by changing how you look or what you wear. Nope. 

Now if you want to change your look for you, that's fabulous. Getting healthy, trying a new look can be very uplifting. My concern is that you might feel your appearance contributed to his infidelity because that's a load of horse-hockey.


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## Threeblessings (Sep 23, 2015)

Pluto2 said:


> Ah, see, all that lack of confidence might be because you, internally, are assuming some of the blame for your STBX's infidelity. Stop that right now, missy! He cheated because he could, that is who he is. It is all him. Maybe you didn't have a perfect marriage, maybe there were communication issues that you can legitimately seek to improve upon. Maybe you need to develop a way to enforce your boundaries in a relationship? If so, then by all means work to change those issues. But would those have prevented his cheating? I doubt it. You would not have avoided his cheating by changing how you look or what you wear. Nope.
> 
> Now if you want to change your look for you, that's fabulous. Getting healthy, trying a new look can be very uplifting. My concern is that you might feel your appearance contributed to his infidelity because that's a load of horse-hockey.


Thank you for your honesty :wink2:. It's more a feeling of not good enough. I even thought about joining the gym, but time is a problem.


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## Locke.Stratos (Sep 27, 2014)

Threeblessings said:


> *Sorry* if it came across as though I was trying to control his actions. This is not the case at all. I naively thought the H would have had a little respect until our divorce was over with. I may be old-fashioned, but this is just another case of infidelity to add to his record. Thanks for your concern .


Ooh, there's that word again. No need to be apologetic ~again~. I think he just mean that your husband is who he is and will do what he wants and that's beyond your control so there's no need for you to concern yourself with him and rather focus on yourself, not that you were trying to control your husband.

Adultery assaults your self-esteem and sense of self-worth, so depression and anxiety aren't uncommon with infidelity and divorce, not to mention how the way your husband has behaved towards you has contributed to these. I think in your case your depression and anxiety are situational (a reaction to the events and circumstances in your life) and have persisted because your situation hasn't changed or improved.

Medication and (talk) therapy may help, but most likely, so will major and postive changes in your life. 

Negative thoughts and feelings, and a defeatis attitude are part of depression. You have to learn not to give weight to these or indulge them. Instead of thinking that you can't, shouldn't or don't have time, just do and be innovative. If you're unable to meet with friends because you're with your children, invite your friends over. No time to join the gym, join anyways and make time to go, even if it's only sparsely initially.

You have to involve yourself in activities that you enjoy and that contribute to your overall emotional, physical and psychologcal well-being. It will require getting into new routines, discipline and consistent effort on your part.


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

Threeblessings said:


> Hi Everyone,
> We are on the road to divorce. My husband is pressuring me to sign his divorce papers now. We have been separated for just gone 2 years. The marriage didn't survive due to infidelity issues and a whole lot of other stuff. It's occurred to me that I am being pressured to sign these papers because he has someone else that he met at work. I'm almost certain he wouldn't have told her why our marriage cracked. That would make him look like an idiot. I want to hate him but I just cannot. He has told me many times that he hates me, despises me and tells me that no one could ever love me. He accuses me of damaging his self esteem???? He doesn't know that I know about the other woman. With everything that has happened, I developed depression and anxiety. My anxiety has worsened today. I feel like screaming and punching him. I don't even have the courage to do this! Please help me, I don't know what to do. I am trying to hide my feelings from the children without bursting into tears. I am also studying a degree and have assignments due in the next 2 weeks before the semester is over. I am struggling to concentrate. I have come a long way and don't want to fail. Thank you for reading.:frown2:


He is taking his anxiety out on you.

Depression and loneliness is horrible. I find it gets less difficult during the day (and worse late at night, and dark mornings).

Anxiety is a b..ch. like a stupid merry go round of unsolvable problems.

If you are a student - the university will have student health services. they may have a small fee, or need to write out your life history. Go There First. The other bonus is that if you go to student health, then the university _has on record_ that you've sort medical (and/or counselling) aid.

There are only three things you need to worry about right now.
Reasonable diet. make sure you get your B-vitamins, folate from leafy greens, bit of fibre, vitamin C. Not too much processed sugar or too much caffeine. This keeps your body stable.

Next exercise and sunlight. go for a walk. get out of the house for small breaks. walk down the corner and back. Your eyes and brain need rest and circulation.

Last thing is just concentrate on those assignments - notify your tutors/professors you're having home and ex- issues, and that you still intend to keep to schedules but you might be late - tell them you have appointments with student health services.

the assignments are the only important make or break thing. The kids will manage, home will still be, tell the ex to back off until after semester or you'll get a restraining order. His pressurising at this time will make a judge less receptive to his story.

folks on this site are surprisingly helpful. The rest of teh Internets, meh.... (keep away from it. Use your phone a friend options instead. less bs dramas that way)


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

Threeblessings said:


> Yes, I noticed this. I used to live in the UK and used the word, solicitor. In Australia, the same people are known as lawyers and in South Africa/USA - attorneys.


A lawyer is a person trained and legally certified to give legal advice (aka "practicing law").

A solicitor is a lawyer who meets certain criteria and who operates a large [group of] Trust fund(s) for clients. If you're buying a house, you will need a _solicitor_ if you're getting a housing loan from the bank, as the money will be paid into the solicitor's Trust account, not your own account.

A barrister is a lawyer who has passed an extra set of courses and exams regarding Court procedure, and thus can then apply to be "admitted to the Bar". Which is not the one at the public house, but means they can represent people in the courtroom, and act as council for court cases. (a standard lawyer can only advise, not represent).
Attorney can be either of these depending which country you're in.
Basically an Attorney is any lawyer that represents another person.
so a solicitor can be a type of attorney because they represent you to the banks. A barrister is an attorney because they represent you when you file all your affidavits with the Courts, and also represent you when speaking to the Court (or police, or whomever you direct them as your agent to talk to). That latter (agent talking to people) is why your lawyer becomes an attorney when they send expensive letters to your ex-.

It is of note that whenever someone says "you need to see a lawyer","go get your affairs in order with a lawyer","fight them in court", etc then that someone is technically practicing law without a licence (unless they are qualified to give such advice).

Just as speaking as I have above is also technically practicing without a licence. so please don't take my word for it. I am not a lawyer of any flavor, and not qualified to practice or advise on legal matters (nor do I play a lawyer on TV). This entire comment is provided as general discussion, not as legal advice, and may not represent your jurisdiction or countries practice and every matter of law should always be directed to a suitably qualified person in your area (IMO  ).


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## Threeblessings (Sep 23, 2015)

spotthedeaddog said:


> A lawyer is a person trained and legally certified to give legal advice (aka "practicing law").
> 
> A solicitor is a lawyer who meets certain criteria and who operates a large [group of] Trust fund(s) for clients. If you're buying a house, you will need a _solicitor_ if you're getting a housing loan from the bank, as the money will be paid into the solicitor's Trust account, not your own account.
> 
> ...


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## Threeblessings (Sep 23, 2015)

spotthedeaddog said:


> He is taking his anxiety out on you.
> 
> Depression and loneliness is horrible. I find it gets less difficult during the day (and worse late at night, and dark mornings).
> 
> ...


So sweet, thank you.


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

Threeblessings said:


> Someday ConanHub, after this ordeal and the heartbreak and loneliness that has ensued I am not looking for anyone else. Also, I don't have any confidence and as a result of the infidelity I want to change everything about myself. For example, how I look, what I wear. All of that stuff.


You will do that. Don't let the cheater ruin your self-esteem. Many of us have been here long enough to memorize the cheater's responses to sharp questions and the continual attempt to blame it all on the betrayed spouse. Which is why nobody was surprised at his charges.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Threeblessings said:


> Also, I don't have any confidence and as a result of the infidelity I want to change everything about myself. For example, how I look, what I wear. All of that stuff.


Then do it! I see a lot of women who got busy with kids and work and school and taking care of aging parents who haven't updated their looks in years. Women that slump around trying to be invisible who could be truly stunning with a bit of make-up, a hair cut, and some new clothes.

If you can't get to a gym, do things that improve fitness everywhere. Take the stairs. Park away from the door at the shopping center. Walk in place while you read or watch tv. Eat better. 

And, if you're sure your STBX wants those papers signed so he can be with his new honey, why not try to use that as leverage to get a better deal in the settlement?


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## tpdallas (Aug 28, 2015)

You should get help right away. After two years, you could be much farther in your healing.


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