# How do you resolve conflicts that cannot be resolved?



## Wonder2Woman (Jun 16, 2011)

For those of you out there who have been in relationships for a very long time, how do you resolve conflicts that cannot be resolved? And how do you compromise where there is no middle ground?

Here are a couple of scenarios:

1) Flirting - I don't agree with flirting outside of the relationship. I consider it to be disrespectful, inappropriate and insulting. He is okay with it. He believes that flirting with other girls is harmless and innocent. He often tells me there is a difference between "real flirting" and "harmless flirting". I disagree. I think that flirting with others is crossing the line and stepping in dangerous territory. He is not willing to stop flirting and I feel hurt that he chooses that. Now what??

2) Pornography - I don't watch porn and often find it to be degrading, undermining and disrespectful. I'd consider watching it with him, together, as a couple. He disagrees with the idea of watching it together. He thinks he should have private moments during which he gets to enjoy porn. I find it damaging to our relationship. When he watches it and enjoys himself, our sex life is impacted. We go days, even weeks sometimes, without sex, mainly because he doesn't have the desire to be with me sexually after porn. I'd prefer if he focused his energy in increasing our intimacy and exploring new things together with me, rather than choosing a selfish act. I feel like I'm willing to try different things and make it more enjoyable for both of us, but he often states that he will never change and that he will continue watching porn and enjoying himself, even if it impacts our relationship. Now what??

Any thoughts?


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

Depends on the level of impact on you for these two issues. 
IF either bother you enough & he isn't willing to compromise or stop either of them, then I would leave. 
It doesn't make either of you right or wrong, but if there is something that bothers you this much, you need to ask yourself is either one ultimately a deal breaker for me. 
For me personally, if I was in a situation, where my SO, was engaging in a habit that was polar opposite of what I think was healthy to our relationship, then yes, I too would leave. 
There are things that you can't compromise on and you either 1) learn to accept them or 2) leave, continuing to argue with your SO over something they refuse to budge on is a waste of energy.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I could not live with both of those things unless they were rare occurrences. They are deal breakers for me. If these things were happening while I was dating DH, I wouldn't have married him, so I can't imagine how you'd come to terms with them tbh.

We have had a very long term issue that has finally been resolved. My DH is a wow addict. For years I've been asking him to quit. At times he would raid (headphones on, not available for 3-4hr blocks at night) 3-4 nights a week. He slowly dwindled down to 2 nights a week. Now he has finally quit, not because he wanted to, but because I've insisted. I think after a great many discussions over it, he finally realised I would not ever let it go, I would never change my stance. Seems pretty one sided I guess, for me to make demands on him and expect him to be the one to back down, but I think he knows I'm not doing this because I'm being selfish or silly etc, but because I feel it's necessary for our marriage to thrive.

Maybe that's the only way to get through to a spouse, is if they come to understand that you don't ask it of them for you, but for both of you, because none of us want to just survive a marriage, it should be so much more than that.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I agree with the first two responders, that it depends on the issue and how much it impacts the marriage.

Dh and I have two issues off the top of my head that we cannot come to terms with, neither one of great significance. We have a solid marriage, so this is about as bad as it gets. 

Dh does not believe apple cores should be thrown out of a car window. I do it all the time (in rural areas, on highways). He says it is littering. I think it is fine for apple cores to rot in a ditch.

He voted 6 years ago for our conservative congressman. It still just about makes my blood boil. I told him there would be consequences in the marriage if he did that again. To me, that's a vote against women and children, against the vulnerable. Since I feel part of "the vulnerable," I took his vote personally, as a vote against my welfare and that of our kids. He does not see it this way at all, and will not budge. It is guaranteed to raise blood pressures around here if I bring it up. 

But these issues are not key to the stability of the marriage. And I don't even know what the consequences would be if he voted conservative again. Probably just the cold shoulder from his wife for a little while. 

I think your issues are pretty important. After you speak to him about them, and I am sure you have already done so, probably passionately, then you need to set your boundaries. Separation or even divorce may need to be on the line, depending on how threatened you feel by what he is doing. He is certainly not valuing you. That whole denying sex thing is just wrong.

Are you sure you can even go on with those issues? They do seem like dealbreakers, like affronts to your self-respect. He should be guarding your heart, not hurting it.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

If there is complete disagreement, then we either a) live with our differences, b) find a compromise that neither of us likes, but can live with, or c) break up.

As for your scenarios, we are both okay with flirting and both trust each other to know when to stop it before it goes too far, or to avoid it when the circumstances are risky. If he's doing it in front of you, then it's rude and disrespectful if it is more than one or two mildly flirtatious comments. On pornography, it's not an important issue whatsoever, and we can watch or not as we like; it would only become an issue if it noticeably affected our relationship or sex life adversely. If he's neglecting you, then it is a real issue, but if you often turn him down or aren't willing to do things he enjoys, or have let yourself go, then you are part of the cause.

A relationship is a balance between individual rights and the other's feelings (even if they are irrational).


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

jld said:


> I agree with the first two responders, that it depends on the issue and how much it impacts the marriage.
> 
> Dh and I have two issues off the top of my head that we cannot come to terms with, neither one of great significance. We have a solid marriage, so this is about as bad as it gets.
> 
> ...


You are absolutely right about the apple core, and absolutely wrong about his voting. You don't get to dictate his politics any more than he gets to dictate yours. Are you going to accept him telling you that you can't vote for a liberal candidate? No? Then don't try to dictate to him.

If you're a rabid liberal and he's a rabid conservative then you two need to agree to avoid discussing politics as much as possible. It's more likely that you'll end up damaging your relationship than that either of you will change your mind.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Nucking Futs said:


> You are absolutely right about the apple core, and absolutely wrong about his voting. You don't get to dictate his politics any more than he gets to dictate yours. Are you going to accept him telling you that you can't vote for a liberal candidate? No? Then don't try to dictate to him.
> 
> If you're a rabid liberal and he's a rabid conservative then you two need to agree to avoid discussing politics as much as possible. It's more likely that you'll end up damaging your relationship than that either of you will change your mind.


You're funny, Nucking Futs.

We talk politics all the time. We talk about all kinds of things, all the time. I don't hide anything from him. He knows everything in my mind, and he likes it that way.

When love is strong, all kinds of things can be managed. And we find that we grow from conflict, fully expressed. His limits are stretched, and so are mine.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

jld said:


> You're funny, Nucking Futs.
> 
> We talk politics all the time. We talk about all kinds of things, all the time. I don't hide anything from him. He knows everything in my mind, and he likes it that way.
> 
> When love is strong, all kinds of things can be managed. And we find that we grow from conflict, fully expressed. His limits are stretched, and so are mine.


I was responding to the following:



jld said:


> He voted 6 years ago for our conservative congressman. It still just about makes my blood boil. *I told him there would be consequences in the marriage if he did that again.*


This is what I'm advising against.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Nucking Futs said:


> This is what I'm advising against.


Why?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Wonder2Woman said:


> Any thoughts?


One more thought. Based on his actions and unwillingness to change or compromise, I think he's no longer into you, and has disconnected from the relationship, yet isn't able or willing to end it.


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## Blank (Apr 15, 2012)

How do you resolve conflicts that cannot be resolved? 

When you believe they can not be resolved- they will not be resolved.



Either submit without resistance or separate. Only two options.


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## bild-a-loco (Jan 22, 2014)

Sorry to say this, but it sounds like hubby just isn't all that interested in you anymore -might be time to just face the harsh reality of it. If he's doing any activity, knowingly, that you've told him causes you distress (I don't care if it's ping pong, let alone porn), then he's made the choice to disregard you and openly disrespect you. That is not a relationship. 

All the therapists tell you to avoid ultimatums, I don't agree with that attitude myself, sometimes they're necessary. Don't ask him to quit because it bothers you, tell him to quit because it bothers you. And if he still refuses, remind him, when you leave, you will be taking half his sh*t with you when your lawyer gets done with him! That tends to make a very selfish man reexamine his situation a little bit more seriously. 

Sorry you're in that mess and good luck.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

OP, I don't disagree with your point of view on these issues, but I do need to post to say that I hope you go about approaching these issues in a much different way than you describe them here.

Within three paragraphs, you have judged your husband's behavior to be: disrespectful, inappropriate, insulting, degrading, undermining and disrespectful. And while that might be true, if you approach him with that attitude, you probably aren't going to get very far. Remember, you are the one asking him to change. 

The other thing is, when you say "you'd consider" meeting him halfway and you "feel like you'd be willing" to try things, have you actually done those things or is that something you just tell yourself? For example, one thing that I've heard a lot here is an agreement that if he's thinking about having some private porn time, he ask you first if you'd like to have some fun. If he did this each time, how often would you take him up on it?

Just some things to think about. I think the trick is to get a discussion going about a middle ground, which may be him making the changes you ask for and you making a firm commitment to work with him in filling the voids left behind.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

OP - I just read some of your other posts and I mistakenly assumed you have been with this guy for much longer (I'm now understanding that it's been about 2 years and he has trouble even saying he loves you.)

With that in mind, oh my gosh, get out now while you still can. You don't have a whole lot invested, and you'll thank yourself later.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

jld said:


> Why?


Because you threatened to damage your marital relationship if he didn't violate his principles. 

Maybe you didn't mean it that way but if not I could use some explanation of what you meant by "consequences in the marriage."


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I may be able to get past the first obstacle of flirting, as long as I wasn't disrespected in any way. I know plenty of men that have the general thought that flirty behavior is completely benign. It's fun, it's not to be taken seriously.

The second item is trickier. He has laid down the law so to speak and will NOT be flexible here. If it did NOT impact your sex life, then there wouldn't be anything wrong with it IMO. Since it affects you directly and you do without? Well there is the problem. He's willing to keep up a behavior that hurts you. That's the bottom line. 

He has to choose not to hurt you. Will he? Doesn't sound like it.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

For me those are dealbreakers. I have worked hard in counseling to grow a backbone so my husband knows that there will be no turning back if he decides to cross the lines. (I have a long history of being a codependent doormat)


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

He's basically told you, OP, he'd prefer porn to sex with you. He's happy going weeks without sex as long as he's getting his on his own. This isn't a conflict to resolve. He's told you straight up for him it's not a problem, therefore, there's nothing to resolve.

The only thing for you to decide is if you are willing to put up with feeling ignored, insulted, and disrespected and happy to go celibate for weeks at a time. If you aren't, its time to move on.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Nucking Futs said:


> Because you threatened to damage your marital relationship if he didn't violate his principles.
> 
> Maybe you didn't mean it that way but if not I could use some explanation of what you meant by "consequences in the marriage."


At the time I said it, to me it constituted a break in our shared values. I don't know if I would really divorce over that, but as a wild thought, yes, that passed through my mind. I have a temper, and I probably said as much, or at least got that thought across.

But in the last paragraph of my post, I think I said the consequences now would be a cold shoulder for a little while. 

We can talk about everything, Nucking Futs. Even when we disagree, we can still talk and still love each other and still put it all back together afterwards. Even when I say really hurtful things. The union is very strong, in great part to dh's love and commitment to me. 

Dh just doesn't take my words and actions personally. He has his boundaries, like how he votes, but that doesn't prevent him from just covering me with his love, totally embracing who I am with that blanket of love, including my very strict political ideas.


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## married tech (Jan 18, 2014)

> How do you resolve conflicts that cannot be resolved?


Beatings? :scratchhead:


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

jld said:


> At the time I said it, to me it constituted a break in our shared values. I don't know if I would really divorce over that, but as a wild thought, yes, that passed through my mind. I have a temper, and I probably said as much, or at least got that thought across.
> *
> But in the last paragraph of my post, I think I said the consequences now would be a cold shoulder for a little while. *
> 
> ...


So November comes around and you ask him how he voted and he tells you he voted the straight republican ticket. I assume you'd blow up and say hurtful things, then commence the cold shoulder. How long does that cold shoulder last?


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## Centurions (Jan 31, 2013)

Wow. My family has always been patriotic and loyal, each generation doing military service and fighting in wars, from our Revolutionary War against Britain, to the Civil War, World War I and World War II, all down the line to the present age. I myself served in the United States Marine Corps. One of our cherished values that have been fought to preserve, is political liberty.

It is a value worth fighting for, and dying for, as many have indeed done so, and paid the ultimate sacrifice so that we may be free.

If any woman told me "there will be consequences to our marriage if you vote that way again!"--I would have to respond with--"If you do that again, or seek to punish me for voting how I choose, I will kick you to the curb and we will be done. Got it? That's your consequence right there."
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Centurions (Jan 31, 2013)

Porn and flirting. Make sure you're available and hungry and ready to go. If you're on him and sensual, and constantly working him, he won't have any interest in porn, except when watching with you. Have sex, day and night. If short on time, do oral or use your hands. Every morning, before work. In the evening, after dinner. In the middle of the night, wake him up and get to it! I think if you did this, porn won't have any attraction for him. He will be too busy getting worked by you. Keep it up. Day and night. Be aggressive. Be sensual. Ravish him!!!

As for flirting, tell him how would he feel if *you* started flirting with other men? Tell him to tone that stuff down and respect his wife. Having said that, some flirting is natural. What kind of flirting? Is he overt about it? How do you define flirting? To some, just being friendly can be seen as "flirting". There's certainly aspects of flirting you should shut down hard. Other aspects, can be harmless. Try and be a little flexible with that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

I agree. I was hoping someone would tell you how would he like it if you were flirting with other men.

I am not suggesting the flirting, but if it is okay for him, why would he be upset if you flirted? 

On the other issue, it would be good to go to MC, if you can get him there. I hope you have told him how this hurts you and he married you, he should be receptive to your feelings.

If he is not working at the marriage, I hope he wakes up before it is too late.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

> Porn and flirting. Make sure you're available and hungry and ready to go. If you're on him and sensual, and constantly working him, he won't have any interest in porn, except when watching with you. Have sex, day and night. If short on time, do oral or use your hands. Every morning, before work. In the evening, after dinner. In the middle of the night, wake him up and get to it! I think if you did this, porn won't have any attraction for him. He will be too busy getting worked by you. Keep it up. Day and night. Be aggressive. Be sensual. Ravish him!!!


So don't sleep, have sex with him 5 times a day and maybe, just maybe he'll stop watching porn and flirting with other women. As a bonus, if you don't have time to get anything out of it - make sure he still gets his!

And the reward for all this is what, ultimately? He's shown her his boundaries. He wants to be able to do what he wants to do, and expects her to put up with it. Sorry, but giving him all the sex he wants as a response to that behavior isn't going to magically change the inherent problem of not caring about your partner's feelings and boundaries.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Centurions said:


> If any woman told me "there will be consequences to our marriage if you vote that way again!"--I would have to respond with--"If you do that again, or seek to punish me for voting how I choose, I will kick you to the curb and we will be done. Got it? That's your consequence right there."
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


And this is why you and I are not married.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Nucking Futs said:


> So November comes around and you ask him how he voted and he tells you he voted the straight republican ticket. I assume you'd blow up and say hurtful things, then commence the cold shoulder. How long does that cold shoulder last?


I don't think he would do that, NF. I think in his heart he probably thinks his vote in 2008 was wrong, but even my dear, sweet dh has his pride, and cannot admit it was not a wise decision. That's how I see it, anyway.

If he told me he were going to vote that way, we would have to sit down and talk. 

I feel genuinely threatened by conservative policies. I truly feel threatened. If something were to happen to dh, the kids and I are left without a protector. Yes, there is life insurance, so there would be some money, but I would still be alone. That is where a strong gov't, with a good safety net, would be helpful -- for widows and orphans.

So even after hearing all my fears, and going over the facts I would undoubtedly research, if he still planned to vote for the other side . . . I don't know what I would do. Withdraw, probably. I would still fulfill my marital obligations, but it would not be the same. I would feel like I were with a stranger. He would feel that immediately. I cannot hide a thing.

I just don't think it would be worth it to him. 

I guess, yes, for me it would be a disconnect of some kind. It would be a hard chasm for us to bridge.

I won't post on this here again. If you want to discuss it further, we will have to go to P&R. But I am really not a big debater. I am really more of a seek to understand, and then to be understood, kind of gal.

Best,

jld


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

jld said:


> I agree with the first two responders, that it depends on the issue and how much it impacts the marriage.
> 
> Dh and I have two issues off the top of my head that we cannot come to terms with, neither one of great significance. We have a solid marriage, so this is about as bad as it gets.
> 
> ...


My best friend married a great girl that was raised by a bra burning feminist. Its taken a few years to clean out the brainwashing damage done. She's finally coming around to seeing the truth. My best friend has always been a Republican and if his wife told him to vote Liberal "or else" he would choose "or else". That's ridiculous.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

jld said:


> I feel genuinely threatened by conservative policies. I truly feel threatened. If something were to happen to dh, the kids and I are left without a protector. Yes, there is life insurance, so there would be some money, but I would still be alone. That is where a strong gov't, with a good safety net, would be helpful -- for widows and orphans.
> 
> jld


Please take this to the P&R. This would make a great debate and I would forward to participating.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Sanity said:


> My best friend married a great girl that was raised by a bra burning feminist. Its taken a few years to clean out the brainwashing damage done. She's finally coming around to seeing the truth. My best friend has always been a Republican and if his wife told him to vote Liberal "or else" he would choose "or else". That's ridiculous.


Okay, this really is my last post before I get banned for hijacking (apologies, OP). 

The above, again, is an example of a man who would not want to be married to _me._ And that's okay.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

jld said:


> I feel genuinely threatened by conservative policies. I truly feel threatened.


I would urge you to start that thread in P&R. You clearly have fallen for the disinformation perpetrated by the democrat party and if you allow us the opportunity to provide you with documentation that what you fear is not part of the conservative agenda we should be able to put your mind at ease. If being provided documentation that what you believe is not the truth is not enough to ease your mind about this I would suggest professional psychiatric help to overcome this irrational fear.


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## married tech (Jan 18, 2014)

> 'm one of those people who put a lot of stock in compatibility. Rather than trying to form my partner into something he doesn't want to be, I look for someone who has the majority of what I am looking for and the things that I don't like? Not dealbreakers and are able to be overlooked.


For years when people asked me what kind of woman I wanted I simply said, "One who is just like me but prettier!" :smthumbup:

It may sound selfish but then really I can't think of a single person I have ever got along with better than myself so why set the standard of expectations any lower? .


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## Sandfly (Dec 8, 2013)

With the sound of one-hand clapping.


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## Wonder2Woman (Jun 16, 2011)

Thank you, everyone! I appreciate you sharing your insightful thoughts with me.


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