# Moving forward: my recovery or the recovery of the relationship?



## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

I am in the midst of confusion.

Not long before my husband's EA, late last year/early this year, we discussed a wedding blessing and a second honeymoon. At the time we were both into the idea, we talked about when we'd go, different places we'd like to go, and it was to be a cementing of the great years we'd had together and set the tone for many more.

Now? Well. I'd briefly thought about it recently but at the moment it is for some reason, really playing on my mind. He hadn't brought it up so in the spirit of sharing and being open, I raised the subject last night. I had no idea what to expect in terms of his reaction.

It was not great. He could not understand why I was talking about it given the recent events. He said whilst he still liked the idea, he said there was no point even considering a significant event like a blessing when I couldn't trust him. Eventually when I did trust him, then yes, he would want to do it in the future.

Now, I must say right here that I agree with what he says in principle. My underlying feelings are similar, to me a blessing is like a second wedding really and I wouldn't want to undertake it without feeling like we have moved on from what happened.

My issue here is the way he explained it. The message I was getting is that he is here, getting on with it,and when I'm ready to resume the relationship like it should be, he's there. Ie the work is mine to do.

I explained the work I'd put into myself and the relationship, and asked what he felt he'd done to change things. What he outlined showed the things he feels he's done are things I have directly requested of him. Which is good. He had no answer though for what he felt he needed to change to stop anything like an EA ever happening again. He really thinks it is as simple as if a similar situation arose again, he'd just say no. Walk away. Not talk to women.

I see what he is saying but I feel VERY scared to think that he does not appear to yet have addressed what it was that drove him to seek the attention of another woman. He has a grasp of what to do differently, but if his all-pervading need for attention is still there, then surely the problem has not been fully addressed?

I feel very angry right now. I feel that he is waiting for me to work through my issues stemming from his EA. He is doing what I am asking of him but he is placing the burden of responsibility squarely on my shoulders almost like he has removed himself entirely from having any place in the recovery: he feels it is MY recovery and not that of the relationship.

What can I do? I don't want to denigrate his efforts as he has been more and more responsive to my needs but that's all he sees, the after-effects as belonging to me and he is starting to resent the lack of trust.


----------



## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

Shameless bump... Could really do with some advice about how to get him to work on looking more inside himself instead of what's happening around him.


----------



## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

I'm not trying to put this back on you, but I think you first need to ask yourself what you are looking for him to DO, and then what you think he should be saying about that. Kinda feels like a (still?)-broken piece of important communication is not working imho... you've got an expectation of him; he's not even quite AWARE of it, much less meeting it. I'd suggest the key is to first ensure it's clear exactly what that is... if you already have, be sure. If not; clarify for him. He can't do it, or seek doing it, or confirm he's doing it, if you're not on the same page. if he IS, perhaps he's just not expressing? Maybe in MC?

Once on the same page, if he fails or doesn't try - then you've got every right to feeel badly, angry, or resentful.


----------



## DoveInTheMud (May 25, 2011)

As I read in 'Divorce Busters', there is no point in 'should not have to' etc.... i.e. you should not have to tell him how to think for himself to identify what lead him to being so weak in that moment that he allowed the EA to happen...

What DOES seem to work is that you tell him what you need to see and then he does it.

My suggestion: tell him to go to individual counselling and have him identify that way what lead him to have been 'open' to that kind of wrong relationship.
you can also tell him that you expect him to come up with one thing that would surprise you that he decides he'll do differently in order for him to feel more connected to you.

You can make those demands/expections, while still leaving the actual work & decision on his shoulders.


----------



## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

2xloser said:


> I'm not trying to put this back on you, but I think you first need to ask yourself what you are looking for him to DO, and then what you think he should be saying about that. Kinda feels like a (still?)-broken piece of important communication is not working imho... you've got an expectation of him; he's not even quite AWARE of it, much less meeting it. I'd suggest the key is to first ensure it's clear exactly what that is... if you already have, be sure. If not; clarify for him. He can't do it, or seek doing it, or confirm he's doing it, if you're not on the same page. if he IS, perhaps he's just not expressing? Maybe in MC?
> 
> Once on the same page, if he fails or doesn't try - then you've got every right to feeel badly, angry, or resentful.


I have been thinking about this. A lot. You are correct in saying I am looking for him to do something, but it's that something I was pondering.

I think I know what it is. It is for him to look inside himself, see what drove him to his EA, and think about then work on and communicate to me what he is doing as regards preventative measures. Sounds wordy but basically he has recognized the attention of the OW fed his ego. His ego craves female attention atm. That need has not gone away since the EA ended. He has said over and over that I gave him a lot of attention, in a positive way, and he believed in himself more and more and sought that attention from others as well as me.

He doesn't frame it like that though. He sees it as him making a wrong choice. He understands that his behavior was inappropriate at the very least, and says shoud he find himself in that position again, he would act differently by making it clear he was not interested, not flirting and putting it out there. Which is fine, but basically if his need for attention is still there, how easy is he going to find it to refuse it if he han't addressed WHY he craves that attention? I believe we are working on this in MC this week.



DoveInTheMud said:


> As I read in 'Divorce Busters', there is no point in 'should not have to' etc.... i.e. you should not have to tell him how to think for himself to identify what lead him to being so weak in that moment that he allowed the EA to happen...
> 
> What DOES seem to work is that you tell him what you need to see and then he does it.
> 
> ...


I don't know if he'd go to IC. I had to drag him to MC.

He is good in the sense that he is as I said responding more and more to what I need to see. Some of it I can see is an effort but that doesn't bother me, he is obviously remembering and working at it. That is good.

I think it is the lack of input from him that bothers me. Almost like he is following my lead. Yes I understand that he doesn't know what to do so I need to tell him. That is fine. But to my mind he needs to also work on the recovery from within him, to be honest and frank about WHY he has this need for attention and how we can work on that. But he simply sees:

he screwed up----->

he hurt me----->

what do I need to make me feel better----->

when I feel better I will trust him again----->

we can put it behind us.

But to me, there is also a "what do *I* need to do to make sure this doesn't happen again?" (ie from HIM) in there. He simply sees he has to make me feel better to be able to move on. But I can't move on until he addresses what drove him to an EA in the first place. He knows he craves that attention but he hasn't got as far as thinking what he/we can do to address that.


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

You sound like me 6 months ago!
Here is what I finally realized: he was getting my attention and using up all of my time occupying me thinking up ways for him to deal with an issue that he created by EMOTIONALLY connecting with another woman, through stellar communications, using words and emotions. In other words, he was playing me, having me jump through hoops, stringing me along, being controlling and occupying my mind carrot on a string sort of thing. Just in a different way than he had in the past...keeping me occupied on the defensive by attacking my credibility and trustworthiness putting me down in other ways and setting up hurdles for me to try to jump over while he was off cheating. 
He is CERTAINLY capable of being in an emotional relationship.
All the BS about not knowing what to do, etc. 
It's just that, it's a continuation of the same behavior as before, only now it's 'poor me. I screwed up. Help me know what to do because I am clueless.' Sweetie, any man who can conduct an affair while being married to someone is NOT clueless and he certainly does know what he is doing. MUCH more than us 'normal' 'pathology-free' wives would like to admit.


----------



## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

Homemaker, I have been pondering over your reply. I have a little to say since we went to MC yesterday.

He says now that he does not crave that attention. He says anything he has said in that vein, about attracting attention, silly little things he does, he was being tongue-in-cheek about or joking. He said he likes attention from the opposite sex in the way any person would, in a normal way, that he is flattered. This is not what he said not long ago. 

I am very confused. I can see he feels bad for hurting me, that he is making the effort to heal by doing what I need. I feel that is genuine. What I am having trouble with is the discrepancy between what he SAYS and what he DID.

What he says: "I was naive/ I didn't realise what she wanted/ I like to flirt but I didn't think she would read into it, I just didn't think that far ahead/ I never wanted anything from her/to take it further."

What he did: texted and called her and deliberately hid it from me. Arranged his work schedule so he'd be near to her office. Spent time with her at work and didn't mention it. Said he'd do NC then continued to text her and hid that from me ( the messages weren't entirely innocent but not sexual, but did cross the line.)

He wasn't clueless enough that he didn't realise it would hurt me as he hid so much. A lot of his "defense" rests on his declared naivety, but a realization that after he did so many of these things, how they would look to the OW, or to me.

I am in a funny place. I have spent the time since I found out fighting for our marriage, doing so much work, so many tears and talks. And now I have started to feel better about myself, and realize how he acted was not because of me but because of him, and even though he is doing so much in terms of responding to what I need, I am walking around swinging between, he screwed up, he knows it, and we can make it better, to he screwed up, he knows it, but I'm not sure if I'm in love with him anymore. I know I love him, but I have seen so much I don't like. I am working on getting to a place where I realize one way or the other if I can make that final step of forgiving him and moving on together, realizing he is human and does make mistakes. I don't know.


----------

