# My wife is depressed and its killing our marriage



## eves (May 21, 2013)

My wife has been suffering with anxiety and depression for most of the last 10+ years. She talks about how most of the time she just can't get herself to do things. I work, cook almost all of our meals (order out when I don't), play with our son, get him ready for bed.... Basically when I am home I do nearly everything in our household. But my wife....she just reads or surfs the net.

She is a stay at home mom and when I am not home she does a good job with our son. She gets herself up, gets him ready for school... She even occasionally cleans (very little but some). But as soon as I get home she does nothing.

I just don't get depression. I mean I firmly believe she is suffering with depression. There have been personal events in our lives that have caused us both significant sadness and depression. But I keep going. Do I want to go to work every day? God no. But someone has earn a living. I don't want to cook every single day...but we need to eat (especially my son). I don't want to clean bathrooms, mow the lawn, take care of the cars.....but someone has to. I literally have to force myself to do things quite often.

Before depression my wife wasn't really much of a housewife. I still did almost everything but....she did make up for it in the bedroom. So in no way did I mind her lack of housemaking back then. But since depression....not nearly enough intimacy and rarely ever what I would call quality intimacy. I am not sure but I think I would be OK with the lack of intimacy if I didn't have to do nearly everything else in the house...but that just ain't happening.

How do you deal with spouse suffering from depression?


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## Principal (Mar 21, 2013)

Wow, you have a major problem on your hands. I say that because I'm the one with depression in our marriage - have had it all my life though (58 now) which means for 25 years of marriage.

Your wife needs help - medically. But she needs to seek it out. You must very strongly encourage her to do that - the marriage depends on it. Depression is a complex problem and very insidious. There are both psychological and physiological aspects to it. Hence both counceling and medication might be necessary to control it. That's what I needed. After years of counceling, working out 3 days+ a week, eating well - which all helped but I still got depressed, I went on Wellbutrin about 18 months ago - depression free ever since. There are other side effects to be aware of (like a short temper) so learn as much as you can about depression and the treatments as you can as well.

If I can help at all, ask me questions.


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## eves (May 21, 2013)

Sorry...I should have mentioned it but my wife has been Zoloft for ~2 years and started wellbutrin about a month ago. I can't say the Zoloft did any good or not but the welbutrin has been useless (though her dose is really low bright now). She has had therapy (several different times) but never thought they did anything worthwhile for her.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I'm sorry about your wife's depression. if therapy never helped, meds alone won't do it either. Your wife is resistant to therapy because one must WORK it to make it work, and she is averse to doing that.

You have been enabling her. While it obviously started out as being supportive, it has morphed into you doing everything so that she can wallow in her depression. I suggest you put a stop to some things.

While giving her emotional support and supporting her financially, you have every right to expect her to hold up her end of care giving for both your son and your home.

Tell her, I expect you to be clean and dressed when I get home. I expect you to have something prepared or ready to be prepared for dinner x times per week. I expect you to begin taking care of your self. I will not sit around and watch you allow your life to fall into complete sh!t.

Sometimes tough love is the only thing that will work.

I have a SIL that has been battering depression for more than 25 years now. She has been on meds, in therapy the whole 9 yards. She doesn't get any better because she doesn't WORK the program. She doesn't TRY, she doesn't like leaving her little comfort zone where she can feel sorry for herself all day long. She is totally stuck in victim mode and everyone around her wrings their hands incessantly as they bend over backwards not to push too much.

Bottom line to depressed person: Do you like feeling this way? Are you really doing everything you can to NOT feel this way? (In your wife's case if she says yes then she is firmly and resolutely stuck in victim mode and it isn't going to change no matter what you do) Do you think it's fair to me or our son that you emotionally check out and don't take joy out of life, don't participate in healthy activities and don't take every step imaginable to get healthy?

Work toward progress or work towards separation. being raised with such a mother isn't healthy for you son either. Perhpas you post struck a nerve with me. I apologize. This seems to be happening today so I better skedaddle!


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## eves (May 21, 2013)

My wife does take care of herself. She gets dressed and does a good job when I am not around (at least with regards to my son). Its when I am home that she lets her depression stop her cold. Which is where then problem truly lies. She can force herself to do things that need to be done....when I am not around. 

Unfortunately I am in the position I am in because of myself (at least in part). Before depression I did nearly everything for her but got other benefits that made up for it. But once depression set in she stopped being "nice" and I didnt complain initially when she didn't pick up household duties to make up for the lack of attention in the bedroom.

I guess the real issue is how do I change so as to help our situation?


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## Principal (Mar 21, 2013)

"Anon" is a little heavy handed but tells the truth - your wife does have to WORK it.

Don't enable her that's for sure. Put reasonable expectations on her as Anon suggests - this should help her actually because it will give her something to get done, even if she is not interested in it, and the result is she will feel appreciated for what she did. We depressed people have to help ourselves. No one else can get us out of our depression (of course therapists help enormously, but we have to WORK with them HARD).

And you probably know, the worst thing you can do is let her depression ruin your life - that will only make her depression worse. I used to tell my wife that the best thing she could do for me when I was in a state was to basically go on as normal, don't pay attention to it, and don't take it personally.

Part of being normal is to expect your life partner to pull her share of the weight in your life and household.

Hope some of this is helping.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If she can perform when you aren't around, it's not entirely the fault of depression. It sounds like someone being lazy when they can get away with it. You might try this. Give her a very specific task. Looking at a messy house might be too overwhelming to get her to move. Cleaning one bathroom or the kitchen might be possible. Once she gets the self-gratification of accomplishing something, she might move on to something else. Remove distractions. If she's spending all her time surfing the net, the internet goes. You could make a simple chart that's not unreasonable or demanding. Link success to something she likes to do. If she enjoys taking a walk with you in the evenings, tell her you miss going for walks and if she could fix supper or clean X room, you both would have time to go for a nice walk after supper. If she seriously suffers from depression she's probably not going to function like a mentally healthy woman. A "win" might be a healthy child in a somewhat messy house with a mom functional enough to stay out of an institution. Taking care of any chronically ill person is a trial and it's draining. My wife has depression,too (among other things). Getting her out of the house seems to help but she does sleep an awful lot and she engages in activities that, to me, look like huge wastes of time (reading, surfing the net, etc). She's been in the psych hospital before and most of the girls she met there have been back several times. She hasn't. My wife isn't working and she doesn't function to my ideal, but she's also not dead and she's not a patient in a mental hospital. Life could be worse.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I go through depressed periods and when it gets really bad I let my husband know that I need him to BOTH be supportive AND not allow me to get away with checking out. A depressed person seeks comfort and inaction. Give them comfort but don't allow inaction.

Principal was right, I was heavy handed. I'm sorry if that put you off.

But after retreading your post it seems like you were okay with her inaction and depression so long as you got laid regularly. Now you're not so its not cool. Thats a specific thing you obviously can insist upon. She needs to work the program so you are not left totally empty (not getting regular sex will do that to a person) as you do your part holding things together. IMO, you have every right to expect her to do whatever she needs to do, to be a healthy and loving wife to you.


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## eves (May 21, 2013)

I after posting here and reading the replies I spoke to my wife again. I basically told her we needed to fix things before our relationship falls apart anymore. My wife is a smart person, can see whats happening us, and has for years acknowledged the fault is hers. I mean she is on welbutrin because she is trying. But she has always seemed to want medications to magically make things better with no effort on her part. IMO nothing worthwhile comes without effort. My wife doesnt quite agree as strongly as I do. Anyways....

This conversation ended like many others where she admitted the fault was hers but blamed her depression and sadness for her lack of effort. In the past my wife has promised to try with little to no visible results. But this time she pretty much ended the conversation.....she didn't turn me down the next morning. 

That night my son kept waking up during the night making any attempt for intimacy impossible. And then I told my wife I was pissed that she controlled the when, where, position, which act, duration, and even where I finished. Nothing was in my control. Later in the day yesterday she took her welbutrin earlier than usual. About 3 hours later we fooled around in the middle of the day with my son just downstairs (so very much not like my wife). Nope...not done yet. We went out to a party and came back and fooled around again. In both cases I pretty much got what I wanted with no arguments for my wife. I am not saying all is better. This could easily be an short term improvement. But for now I'll enjoy it as long as it lasts and hope it keeps going.

Also...about the welbutrin - I am not saying it has anything to do with the recent improvement. It could be. Or it could be that she has finally taken me serious. I only bring it up because she changed when she normally takes it and things were different. Assuming the behavior changes back I am planning to suggest she talk to her doctor to increase the dose as hers is the lowest and everything I've read suggests the next higher dose is the one people see the most success with.


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## mattsmom (Apr 2, 2013)

Eves,

One word of caution. Many anti-depressants have diminished libido as a potential side-effect...


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Your biggest problem is you are enabling her. 

Cut off the Internet and stop doing so much.

Depression is awful I get it. I suffered from it for over a decade but the best thing a depressed person can do is GET UP.


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## eves (May 21, 2013)

Her libido was greatly reduced long before she went on Zoloft. The welbutrin was her doctor's idea when my wife asked for help for her low sex drive.

Yep...I am well aware I have been enabling my wife's issues. I've known it for years. Unfortunately there has been one tragedy after another in our lives that have been excuses why I have been reluctant to hurt her with the tough love she probably has needed. But now...I think I am done with enabling her. I am not the type of person to reach out for help and my posting her wouldn't have ever happened had I not made up my mind that something needs to change (including myself).


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## twowheeltravel (Feb 4, 2012)

My ex wife has PTSD, anxiety, depression. She was a sleep at home mom and didn't contribute in any meaningfull way to the family. i Would suggest going for short walks, and asked her to consider eating healthier. No she didn't want to make the effort. she was a victim and had no control over the situation. She wanted the meds to do all the work for her. When I would show any frustration over her lack of motivation she would just get sadder thinking I just didn't understand. It was very tough as she was also a hoarder and had a spending addiction.


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## Delmar555 (Jun 18, 2013)

There should be some change in environment to handle the depression and anxiety. Start some regular exercise plan to beat the depression and anxiety. Yoga will be the best option in this regard because it is an excellent workouts to handle all mental disturbances.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

mattsmom said:


> Eves,
> 
> One word of caution. Many anti-depressants have diminished libido as a potential side-effect...


That's a very good point. 

In this case, as I understand it, Welbutrin is known to not decrease libido and arousal, like some of the others. Welbutrin is not an SSRI, like Prozac or Zoloft, which are notorious for their effect on drive.

In my wife's case, she found the SSRIs to greatly reduce her level of desire and her ability to reach orgasm. Wellbutrin, though, on its own has not had that effect.

Her new doc is switching her to an old tricyclic, which very likely will have a negative effect.  I guess we will see. And this reminds me to ask why the switch.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

Eves,

My gut feel is she undervalues talk therapy. It shouldn't be magic pill vs. talk therapy. It should be BOTh in may cases. unfortunately, either-or is how too many folks approach it. 

I wish I had some good advice.

Wait --I think I do. You need IC yourself to learn how to cope, and how to maintain your sanity when her going gets tough. You may not have an awareness of anything you could possibly do differently, or learn to see differently, that could affect the quality of your life -- or even hers-- as long as you are intertwined. (Until recently, I didn't see things I could change.). If so, I think you should give IC for yourself a good chance. You are part if a system. You can change you. You might as well give that a try.

IMHO.


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