# Recovering from an EA



## doublep (May 9, 2014)

So I know others have read my thread in the general forum. Things are going good here as my wife, who had an on-line gaming EA with someone... No pictures or anything, just sexual talk.

Long story short, she has been in a depression that is not made up, she suffers from PTSD as well.... SHe is slowly recovering and doing the things she used to... Slowly.

My problem?

It has been 6 days since I found out and our melt downs. She has apologized profusely and heart felt. She is showing change and she is ashamed of what she did, crying a lot. I have forgiven her as I do believe she is sick yet... I Cant seem to recover.

My heart is broken, I want to talk about it constantly and she doesn't (she was never a big talker) - She was always the type to just move on and forward. I want to know more about the affair... I do know it was inside an online game (Guild wars 2), they started as guild mates and it turned into sexual chat.

She has ended everything and hates what she did, was not her, so on... I cant get over it. I thought I could. I am such an honorable man, I live by my vows and I would never do such a thing... My IC says to keep it in perspective that even though it was an EA it was fantasy... No pictures, cams, meetings, all just text and voice.

I have trust issues now in her honesty and I cant even go to her over it, it's like I am the one going to her asking her if she is okay? Is that just wrong? Shouldn't she becoming to me daily and asking me if I am okay? comforting me? Why am I the one choosing words carefully? She constantly says "IM not a talker, I dont like to talk things out, you know me" but I need it, now more than ever. I need more comfort and answers. I simply dont trust her words now.... 

Will I recover? Her actions are showing me she is back and she did privately tell me she really does love me but she is afraid to show it a lot so its not new to me, maybe I just feel entitled to it now more than ever?


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## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

"She has ended everything".....for this week. monitor her closely for a long while. full transparency, no deleting texts, etc. 

"IM not a talker"...except to strange men online...about sex. yeah, ok.

don't let her tears erode your common sense.


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## HarryDoyle (Jan 19, 2013)

Only 6 days?? If that's correct, that ain't nothing. Your brain hasn't even processed what's happened yet. It takes time. Unfortunately, and I hate to tell you this, it takes a long time to get through this. It's been a year and a half and I'm still trying to get through this. It's a lot better than it was, a lot! But I still need to talk about it. If she won't open up you should probably consider marraige counseling. You should probably consider it anyway. So take it easy on yourself and take everything you read here with a grain of salt. Some advice will be great and will help you immensely. Other advice, not so much. Good luck and sorry your here.


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## Tobyboy (Jun 13, 2013)

There's a good thread in SI in the JFO forum that might help you. It's titled "Before you say reconcile". Currently on page 3.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cabsy (Mar 25, 2013)

I know how you feel, both in dealing with her depression and then being wronged in such a way. It will become harder before it gets easier, there is likely more you don't know (especially since she won't talk), and you need to find solid ground before you try to move forward. So if you want to reconcile, then you have issues that need to be addressed. You're both going to have a hard time if she can't even talk about what happened and why.

Being needy probably isn't the best way to go. You're right that she should be helping you through this; but if instead you just find yourself complaining to no avail, then you are losing ground. Things probably won't change, you'll lose her respect, and you'll be paranoid and resentful to top it off. 

Do not be content to live long term like this, especially if you can't trust or communicate with her. She needs a wake up call - doubly so because of the affair and the combined depression, which was likely a contributing factor. It may have even been a messed up cry for help or attention.

She'll stay in her world for as long as you let her, so strike while the iron is hot. Tell her what you need and put everything on the line - don't whine or complain - and work on yourself in the meantime. If she can't hack it... put your new and improved self on the market. Reconciling is a lot of work - too much for one person, especially if that person is the wronged party. Meeting someone new can't be any harder.


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## HubbyDaddy2013 (Jul 2, 2013)

How old is she? How long you two been married? She plays video games all day and is addicted isn't she? You two have kids? Does she pay them any attention? 

Does she do the dishes? Cook Dinner at least once a week? Or are you constantly ordering out? 

Take her XBOX, and pawn it. Tell her you will go get it back from the pawn shop when you see that she is working to make your marriage work. Marriage is a two way street. She can't play video games all day and expect you to work to fix the issues that she has. Her punishment is no videogames for a couple of months

Also, you need all access to her face book, email, twitter, and her cell phone. 

Time to man up!

I am recovering from my wife's EA with a married man with 6 kids so I know how you feel. I still have very little trust in her and it's only been a month since I exposed her. 

Watch her closely. You need to write out a list of what you expect her to do, and have a conversation with her about it. Then watch her actions and see if she meets your expectations over the next 60 days!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

For some an EA feels worse than a PA. In a PA they might just give someone their body. In an EA it can seem like they gave someone else their soul.

Six days is really early in the process.

I think you need couple's counselling. 
She needs monitoring. 

And get an STD test. She says it never went physical? You can't trust her, yet.

Hopefully you and her can get through this. But it will take time and she WILL need to talk to you about it. She doesn't like the idea? That's too bad. But now it isn't about her wants and what she needs. It's all about you and what you need.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tobyboy (Jun 13, 2013)

From what you've written on your other thread your WW seems remorseful.....maybe too good to be true "remorseful". From personal experience and years of reading infidelity sites, I have to say I've never seen a WW do an immediate, complete 180 after confrontation. In almost every case I've read, there's seems to always be minimizing, trickle truth, blame shifting.....etc. 
I'm not saying it can't happen, just never read of one until your sitch. 

Something about her drastic "change of heart" just doesn't pass the smell test. I think you sense it too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

If I remember correctly, she immediately erased everything. She definitely did not want you to see how deep she was in it. Also, she just didn't want to be intimate with you, not a divorce. However, when you decided to leave, after she shed a few tears, she didn't have much of a problem with it. However, when you caught her affair, all of a sudden, she WAS depressed after all. She stopped the affair on the spot, was sorry, loved you after all, etc.

Anyone that's been her would doubt her story. It just doesn't add up. And that's putting it mildly.

Why didn't you telling her you would have to leave her wake her up?

I would check her devices to see if anything deleted messages can be recovered. Emails have to be deleted and then deleted from the trash folder too. Facebook messages can be recovered. Phone records can be checked.

What kind of phone does she have? I hope things are on the mend and she is being honest, its just hard to believe.

I think you should use a couple of vars to see who and what she is telling other people.


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## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

Tobyboy said:


> From what you've written on your other thread your WW seems remorseful.....maybe too good to be true "remorseful". .
> .
> .
> 
> ...


yeah, she's acting the part of the remorseful wife.

OP have you done any of the standard monitoring / uncovering techniques (var the car, undelete text messages on phone, keylog the computer, etc)? 

maybe this week she'll behave, but next week she might be getting that itch again to talk to her fantasy man.

can you get his info? google his online name, maybe he uses it elsewhere, get his phone number, check your cell phone records for it, etc

don't let her snow you


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

If she is not a talker, have her write a timeline of the affair.

Also on the OM, have you shared what you know with their SO?

exposure is a good way to help her to stay in NC with the OM.


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## doublep (May 9, 2014)

ReidWright said:


> yeah, she's acting the part of the remorseful wife.
> 
> OP have you done any of the standard monitoring / uncovering techniques (var the car, undelete text messages on phone, keylog the computer, etc)?
> 
> ...


For those of you that have not read my other thread in the main forum, it is a long thread so I will cover some issues:

The Affair: I know the affair was strictly an EA. I have access to her texts, emails, etc and all occured within game. Sexual chats with this guy. Her job as a mail carrier keeps her constantly moving and she is GPSed here where we live. She has no time for even lunch. Not only that, the OM is in California and we are on the Eat coast. My wife works and comes home.

Aftermath: My wife has not really done a 180 and she said as much. She said after coming clean, it woke her up a bit to know she wants her family back, me and the kids. She is suffering Depression and PTSD and she literally just wants to sleep. She is making an effort to do things and is slowly. She started to do some yard work again which she used to love, she helped paint my sons room and we had great sex 3 times within 24 hours.

Wife: I have to be honest as well that she has never been an overly affectionate woman. In 26 years she has mever been the type to just come out and say I love you or cuddle and be openly affectionate. She will here and there realize she needs to let me know it and does show it and thanks me for understanding. Just yesterday she took me aside and said: "I do love you, you know I have a hard time showing emotions but I do love you" - That did mean a lot. She also said the same to her kids apologizing for not being their these last few months.

BUT

My problem is I feel so betrayed and so tossed out that I am having a hard time with R. I feel angry that I have to help her R and be sensative to her abd yet I need to R I think more than her now. Why am I asking her how she is doing? helping her, checking up on her... What about me? God, if there is ever a time a good man like me wants and needs reassurance its now.

I am starting to get resentful. I cant do her R and mine... I am such a loyal and honorable man, I take my vows so serious that this is probably the worst thing that could happen to me. How do I R?????


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## doublep (May 9, 2014)

harrybrown said:


> If she is not a talker, have her write a timeline of the affair.
> 
> Also on the OM, have you shared what you know with their SO?
> 
> exposure is a good way to help her to stay in NC with the OM.


I know everything about this OM...
He is half her age, he is a 21 college age kid while she is 41.
He has a disability so hes locked in his home with his mom (He has partial CP).
Because of his loneliness he has probably honed his skills to seduce women over his gaming since he does nothing else. He ran into one who was having issues.... I think have my resnetment is also knowing how young this guy is and how my wife could fall for it?????


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Has she ever discussed with you know about how she told you the line of she was not in love with you and having this EA?

When did she find out he is 21 and stays in his room all the time?

I think you should let the OM's mother know how he and your wife wrecked your marriage. 

I do hope you tell your wife that you have to have some help to heal from this. Has she started reading even the post about the fallout from the discovery of the affair?

and her hard work for years to try to R? You can't take care of her and the kids if no one takes care of helping you heal. It takes two (and only two) to make a marriage work.


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## doublep (May 9, 2014)

harrybrown said:


> Has she ever discussed with you know about how she told you the line of she was not in love with you and having this EA?
> 
> When did she find out he is 21 and stays in his room all the time?
> 
> ...


She new from the start he was 21... For months they were just in game friends, even my daughter played with them. Over time she would use him to vent her problems because, of course, he would tell her anything she wanted to hear. Eventually he got want he wanted, her to talk sexual to him. He doesnt leave his home, he plays games all day and has CP.

I have to admit it is a shot to my ego that I guy like me, 41, good job, good father, loving, takes care of everything from bills to in home issues and has catered to my wife and her problems gets shut out to a kid (21 years old to me is a kid). My wife is smarter than this I thought? This guy got his rocks off by having my wife talk sexual to him....


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## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

of course, all that back story might be a lie (from him). He could be making up stuff to get sympathy from ladies on the internet.

Did you ever talk to this guy? I assume he understands 'no contact'.

is it a dealbreaker for you if you discover more contact? if so, tell her.


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## doublep (May 9, 2014)

ReidWright said:


> of course, all that back story might be a lie (from him). He could be making up stuff to get sympathy from ladies on the internet.
> 
> Did you ever talk to this guy? I assume he understands 'no contact'.
> 
> is it a dealbreaker for you if you discover more contact? if so, tell her.


Oh yes, I sent him an nice email. I was civil and firm... Apparently he thinks highly of himself because he responded with a bit of fear but also that my wife must be real sad and depressed by not being able to talk with him.....

She is well aware that if I see his name on a text, email, screen, game or anything... I am gone for good.


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## Tobyboy (Jun 13, 2013)

doublep said:


> She new from the start he was 21... For months they were just in game friends, even my daughter played with them. Over time she would use him to vent her problems because, of course, he would tell her anything she wanted to hear. Eventually he got want he wanted, her to talk sexual to him. He doesnt leave his home, he plays games all day and has CP.
> 
> I have to admit it is a shot to my ego that I guy like me, 41, good job, good father, loving, takes care of everything from bills to in home issues and has catered to my wife and her problems gets shut out to a kid (21 years old to me is a kid). My wife is smarter than this I thought? This guy got his rocks off by having my wife talk sexual to him....


How about your WW? Did she masturbate during these sexual exchanges? Has she ever done the same to you?
How long(in months) was the EA?


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## doublep (May 9, 2014)

Tobyboy said:


> How about your WW? Did she masturbate during these sexual exchanges? Has she ever done the same to you?
> How long(in months) was the EA?


I dont know about masterbation, I am pretty sure she did not but who knows... She just said they were graphic sexual discussions. It started in March, so 2 months.


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## TimeHeals (Sep 26, 2011)

Ick!

Just "ick". No, ick, ick, nasty, nasty, ick.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

R is full of up and down moments. And hysterical bonding doesn't last. All of this is not measured in days or weeks or even months. Your trust is gone. You've been betrayed by someone you felt would never betray you. Recovery is usually a long process. 

R is a very hard road to travel so expecting to have a handle on it in six days is not realistic. It takes lots of time.


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## doublep (May 9, 2014)

TimeHeals said:


> Ick!
> 
> Just "ick". No, ick, ick, nasty, nasty, ick.


What part makes you go ick?
Because the shot that crushed my heart was his age and the fact that he has a disability (Not that in itself) but the fact he literally has to be cared for 24/7 as he can not work. He does not have mental issues, he has his wits, its the age thing I am crushed by....


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## Tobyboy (Jun 13, 2013)

Doublep, does your WW have a life outside of her family or online games? Any close female friends?


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

HubbyDaddy2013 said:


> Watch her closely. You need to write out a list of what you expect her to do, and have a conversation with her about it. Then watch her actions and see if she meets your expectations over the next 60 days!


I agree totally, but the part I wonder about is what if she decides to say ok screw all you expectations, if you want me around you have to measure up to MY expectations of YOU because YOU were were the fault of the whole thing. Had YOU met MY expectations this whole thing wouldn't have happened.

It's been my experience that women, for the most part, won't simple cave to a series of demands, even if they were at fault. They make the problem YOUR fault. They, for the most part, end up being great bull ****ers and turning the problem on it's head and making your fault.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

doublep said:


> What part makes you go ick?
> Because the shot that crushed my heart was his age and the fact that he has a disability (Not that in itself) but the fact he literally has to be cared for 24/7 as he can not work. He does not have mental issues, he has his wits, its the age thing I am crushed by....


I hate to say this, but that would actually make me feel better, not worse about the EA. It shows that it really was complete fantasy. Obviously nothing could ever had happened. It does kinda relate to everything else you have told us about her so far.

I personally would be much more angry and concerned if the OM was a guy like you, who actually had the means and ability to make the EA go PA. 

WOW, this may be the first time I have ever remotely sided with a WS. I must be getting soft !


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## doublep (May 9, 2014)

barbados said:


> I hate to say this, but that would actually make me feel better, not worse about the EA. It shows that it really was complete fantasy. Obviously nothing could ever had happened. It does kinda relate to everything else you have told us about her so far.
> 
> I personally would be much more angry and concerned if the OM was a guy like you, who actually had the means and ability to make the EA go PA.
> 
> WOW, this may be the first time I have ever remotely sided with a WS. I must be getting soft !


That is why I was so quick to forgive her because it was based soley as fantasy... No pictures, no web cams, no physical issues, it was all sexual based talk via game play and text online within the game.

With her issues I agreed that she was not thinking right and was escaping through her game. It was not just the EA as well, she was ignoring a lot of other things by actually spending the time playing the game.... Ignoring the kids and myself.

So I do see how that does seem less of an EA... I just take things hard.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

I would still have issues, as it shows that she has poor boundaries, lack of respect for herself, the family, and the BH, and that she has the capacity to cross that line, which is really the main thing that lots of times separates those who can cheat from those that can't.


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## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

that's the thing with these types of EAs. The spouse always has to wonder, what if they were local? what if they knew each other in person? what if they weren't caught?


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

So has she ever talked to you the way she did in the EA?

She spent so much energy playing the D*** game, what is she doing with her energy to do something wonderful for you?


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

doublep said:


> That is why I was so quick to forgive her because it was based soley as fantasy... No pictures, no web cams, no physical issues, it was all sexual based talk via game play and text online within the game.
> 
> With her issues I agreed that she was not thinking right and was escaping through her game. It was not just the EA as well, she was ignoring a lot of other things by actually spending the time playing the game.... Ignoring the kids and myself.
> 
> So I do see how that does seem less of an EA... I just take things hard.


Not saying she does not have a lot of heavy lifting to do to make things right, and I am not trying to minimize the EA, but I am just trying to be realistic. 

You have every right to be hurt and pissed, but I think that your situation may be doable for R more than others.

So many times the EA is just basically foreplay to the PA, and the majority of EA's that we see here that don't go PA were simply because they were exposed before it went that far.

In your case, clearly this was never going to be a PA based ion what you have told us about OM and of course assuming that what you know about him is correct.

It makes me wonder if part of the reason your WW reached out to a person in his situation was because he was an impossibility ?? 

Hang in there DoubleP !


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## doublep (May 9, 2014)

harrybrown said:


> So has she ever talked to you the way she did in the EA?
> 
> She spent so much energy playing the D*** game, what is she doing with her energy to do something wonderful for you?


I do not know what exact words they exchanged, she only said it was "Graphic sexual talk"

Since then, we have had sex 3 times in 48 hours and she wants more tonight... She was flirting on text with me.... Good sex, umm... Real good sex....


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## doublep (May 9, 2014)

... And yes I am pissed even though it was fantasy because in 26 years this is way out of character. We have talked dirty to each other for sure. She was always so private outside ourselves..... SHe gave energy and time to that when she could have been with me or the kids... Maybe I should have realized it but with all our trauma going on, I trusted 100%. I never thought in a million years this would be something she would do...


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