# Is Time and Space the Answer?



## StandbyMe (Aug 5, 2011)

I, like most of you have been through the crying, begging, pleading phase of separation. Coming up on 3 months for me next week since my wife walked out on me. Yes, I have taken full reasonability for my actions that caused all of this. Yes, the first month for me was all of the above in my first sentence. I have moved past all of that now over the past month. Yes, I was the cause, drinking on the weekends with verbal abusive toward her. I was selfish, I was jealous and self centered. The first month she told me we not compatible, that we were just different. 

We were together for 11 years, In the last month she has stated "I am taking my time to make sure I don't make a another mistake" I talked to her on the phone yesterday. She stated we have known each other 11 years and 2-1/2 months is not long enough for her to make her decision. 

I have not seen her in over a month. I am sure it is due to the hurt and anger towards me that she does not want to see me. 

The first 6 to 8 weeks I sent her e-mails every day and tried to call her with little or no response. In the last 3 weeks I have gone 4 or 5 days and not e-mailed her or called. In doing this each time she would send me an e-mail asking me how I was doing after me not contacting her. 

Since all of this happened I feel I have done everything right. I stopped drinking when she walked out the door, no changing the locks on the house. I supported her financially until my savings was gone then stopped sending her money. The first month I took her things from the house to make her life more comfortable.

I have asked her the same question's over and over in the past. "Do you still love me" "Can't we sit down and talk about our marriage" "Do you want me to move on" She tells me she can't answer any of my question's at this point. 

I am at peace with myself these days. But, wonder where all of this is going. Most people don't understand why it is taking her so long to decide but I do. My wife is the type of person that takes her time on making major decisions. I have stated to her I am totally dedicated to fixing our marriage. Over a month ago I considered a marriage counselor for myself. I expressed to her. She told me "You can fix this yourself" So I canceled the appointment. She has given me domestic ideas about things and I have implemented them to let her know her thoughts and ideas are valuable to me. 

I have reached the stage where I wonder "IF" she comes back how will things be different. She feels consoling for couples is useless that all of this was my fault. I am not perfect and neither is she. Yes, after almost 3 months I have dwelled on a lot of things in myself and her that needs improvement. We did not communicate well the last couple of years of our marriage and I want to change that. 

I like a lot of you feel the longer a couple is apart the further the grow apart. This concerns me. These days I send her e-mails about every day things happening in my life related to work, kids but I don't express anything about our separation. I get little to no response. Like I said when I stop e-mailing her until she respond's she comes back asking me how I am doing. Sometimes I feel like a puppet on a string wondering what will happen next. I am taking one day at the time these days. Not knowing what the future holds.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

I think you've got a good read on things - however unpleasant for you that may be.

You can take a bit of control and try to shake that "puppet on a string" feeling by cutting off the communication on your end. You can't make her respond - so don't throw things out there anymore and let her ignore you.

Work on yourself. If she comes back, she'll find a better person than the one she left.

And if she doesn't come home - you're still a better person.

I tend to think you are right - that in cases like this - time and space can be a killer. But there's only so much you can do if she isn't willing to work with you - or even respond to you.

Hang in there...but it might be time to start living for yourself a bit more.


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## gearhead65 (Aug 25, 2011)

You mentioned having kids. I'm curious about where they are and how/when you see them. 

You know the result of your actions now. She's likely comtemplating hers. I would recommend an individual councelor and a substance abuse program to put your best foot forward. Those aren't about her. It's about you. If you don't want this to happen again you need to take steps to modify your thinking so that it won't. Also don't mention it to her, you shouldn't seek recognition. She'll notice the change in you.

Relationship issues are rarely single sided. There are probably things she needs to work on herself. It may not be something she want's to address either. If she comes back and indicates she wants to work on the marriage, you'll need to decide if you can live with her issues as they are. Especially after you have worked to change so much.

The changes we need in life to grow into complete people are for us. The way you're presenting the story is that you've done things for her. That is a fundimental flaw in how you are going about this. Nothing you do will change her mind. Only she can do that. The sooner you internalize that reality the better and healthier your interactions will be. 

I wouldn't restate your objectives. You've communicated them over and over. She knows what you want. You need to stop talking about it. Don't discuss the marriage, what you want, how you feel. Stick to the common reasons to talk. Let her be the one to bring up those topics and answer them in a sussinct and brief manner.

GearHead


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## Walt (Jul 17, 2011)

gearhead65 said:


> I would recommend an individual counselor and a substance abuse program to put your best foot forward. Those aren't about her. It's about you. If you don't want this to happen again you need to take steps to modify your thinking so that it won't. Also don't mention it to her, you shouldn't seek recognition. She'll notice the change in you.
> 
> Don't discuss the marriage, what you want, how you feel.
> GearHead


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

Stop contacting her, no matter how hard it is. She's not in a place where she's interested in you.

Get counseling for yourself. Stop drinking. Become a better man. (easier said then done, I know.)

LEAVE HER ALONE. The more you push, the farther she will run. If she comes back it will be because she wants to - not because you made her or enticed her.


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## StandbyMe (Aug 5, 2011)

FYI our kids are all grown and gone. I am 56 wife 50 ... Yes I totally agree .. not mentioning the relationship to her anymore is the answer. If she was no longer interested in me she would not e-mail me after I have been silent for 4 or 5 days. I am looking for positives and that to me is a positive. Yes, I have focused on us over the last 3 months. I need to focus more on myself ... that is obvious.


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