# Online dating is nuts



## MSC71

I met two women online. Eventually talked on the phone and then met for coffee or something quick. Neither looked like the pictures they posted. And apparently "average" body type means they used to be average or want to be average but are really are not! End of my rant.


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## ScarletBegonias

I've heard that from so many people over the years about online dating.It's really so unfair to use an outdated or strategically cropped photo to make yourself look better.


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## Shooboomafoo

Same experiences here. Match, Plentyoffish, *******, all the same things. Expensive for me as well, so pretty useless if you cant pay for it.


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## MSC71

Skinny = skinny or average 
Average = Fat
Athletic = Fat
A few extra pounds = alot of extra pounds

Kind of silly too as you can only hide it for so long. Bold face lie in my book. Why not be honest and when you have someone interested you will know they like you how you truly are.


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## CandieGirl

Ha ha ha! This thread made me laugh out loud...

All I ever got from online dating was pictures of men's peepees...

One day 2 Junes ago, I was determined that I was going to meet Mr. Right. Set myself up an online profile on POF on the Friday night, and started tapping away and the potential Mr. Rights...

The next day, at the shop I worked at, a male friend of 2 of my other good friends came in for a chat, and we all met up for drinks that evening. The friend and me have been together ever since.

So my experience with online dating worked great! LMAO!! As soon as I decided I wanted to meet someone, it worked right away! Too bad my meeting him had absolutely nothing to do with my online dating profile...


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## MSC71

Men who send pictures of their pee pees should have them cut off! Seriously, does that ever work for these guys?


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## ScarletBegonias

Lol @weiner pics

It's funny they feel it's special enough to send to a total stranger.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MSC71

ScarletBegonias said:


> Lol @weiner pics
> 
> It's funny they feel it's special enough to send to a total stranger.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Must not feel to good about how they look if they feel their penis looks better than they do.


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## CandieGirl

ScarletBegonias said:


> Lol @weiner pics
> 
> It's funny they feel it's special enough to send to a total stranger.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The first time it happened, I was shocked...then it kept happening! Lava Life was the WORST. Worst. 

My husband can't believe that guys used to do that to me. We were once going to set up a profile just to see how long it took for me to get a peenie pic...:lol:


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## ScarletBegonias

I gave up the online dating thing. It's almost as bad as the bar scene now. Actually maybe worse because very few men are brave enough to whip out the wang in the middle of a crowded bar.


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## CandieGirl

Well, let me tell you, if one had, I just may have gone out with him...!


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## 827Aug

I could deal with a little extra weight as opposed to being married and cheating on the spouse


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## CandieGirl

Online dating...I think you have to be the right type of person to find it useful. I was definitely not that type of person.

I never met anyone (in person) that I met online. It almost happened twice, but he backed out (ended up that he was married, shocker). The other guy, well, we were going to be in the same city, briefly, but we just missed one another. He was also married, I found out. Pffft!


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## ing

MSC71 said:


> Skinny = skinny or average
> Average = Fat
> Athletic = Fat
> A few extra pounds = alot of extra pounds
> 
> Kind of silly too as you can only hide it for so long. Bold face lie in my book. Why not be honest and when you have someone interested you will know they like you how you truly are.


I really don't get it. I am not THAT hung up on looks but a woman I agreed to meet a while ago had a few nice photos, sure she had what I would call a few extra pounds in the photos..I waited for her at a cafe. looking out for her and then there was a tap on the shoulder. This woman was cubic. I mean. NO RELATION to her photo at all. She seemed to think it was okay to blatantly lie to me. Needless to say, it didn't go past a coffee.

Brand New life = I cheated
No baggage = I have enough for both of us
Walk on beach /watch DVD = I want my old life back without the bad bits
FUN = sex
Must be honest = I was cheated on
Any mention of karma = I was cheated on and dragged through hell
My children are my world = You had better like them or fck off


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## EleGirl

I was going to put up a dating profile a while back but decided not to. The more I looked to profiles of both men and women it looked so fake... they really say nothing about the person. 

It seems that a lot of the men were putting up current photos. And those were scary because so many looked like they could care less about even combing their hair. (I was on sites for seniors)

Maybe it's better to just do things you like to do. Don't focus on meeting someone.

I've been looking at the meetup.com site and this looks like a better approach to me. It's not about dating. It's about getting out there and doing things you enjoy.


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## Holland

:lol: Love the cubic reference.

Well a met some nice men from online dating, mostly they were older than their pics but it didn't phase me too much.

Fun = sex, yes and that was what I was there for.

But then I met the man that is now my partner online, neither of us were looking for anything serious but here we are, in love and very happy.


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## Lon

ing said:


> Brand New life = I cheated
> No baggage = I have enough for both of us
> Walk on beach /watch DVD = I want my old life back without the bad bits
> FUN = sex
> Must be honest = I was cheated on
> Any mention of karma = I was cheated on and dragged through hell
> My children are my world = You had better like them or fck off


The problem with applying those (frighteningly accurate) decoder terms, is that eventually you will want to meet someone for whom those are actually true, so since they all say it there is no way to tell the liars from the authentic ones without spending a lot of time with them.

But how are us gentle, decent respectable guys ever supposed to even get their attention when they are being inundated with 10" schlongs 

naw, I know that's not the problem, but it is a two way credibility issue.


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## WomanScorned

I got very lucky and met my boyfriend on *******. We've been dating for over a year. For me I think it worked well. If I were out now looking I'd go for the meet ups that happen in town. But at the time the online thing was best for me as I work in a female dominated profession where men are pretty scarce, and I spend the rest of my time with my kids.


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## sharkeey

Sounds to me like several who posted on this thread tried online dating briefly, met a few deceptive people and gave up.

You gotta keep at it, you gotta expect deception and dishonesty, and understand that you'll have a lot of bad first meetups but if you don't get discouraged and keep at it, you'll eventually find someone.

Online dating has been very good to me. Here's some tips from a self proclaimed "expert"

- Be honest with your own profile pictures and description
- Expect them to be deceptive in their profiles
- Consider using video chat so you can see them live on your screen before that first meeting
- Make that first meet short and cheap. Coffee, a diner, or a walk in the park. If things click, you can extend or schedule a more official date. 
- Don't spend a lot of time messaging and chatting on the phone before that first meetup.
- Talk to several people at once, that way when you're disappointed by one, you've got another lined up that just might be better.

That's for starters


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## EleGirl

Lon said:


> The problem with applying those (frighteningly accurate) decoder terms, is that eventually you will want to meet someone for whom those are actually true, so since they all say it there is no way to tell the liars from the authentic ones without spending a lot of time with them.
> 
> But how are us gentle, decent respectable guys ever supposed to even get their attention when they are being inundated with 10" schlongs
> 
> naw, I know that's not the problem, but it is a two way credibility issue.


Just don't send the ladies pictures of you Johnson.... You will apprently be one of the few men who don't. So if you are looking for a woman who is looking for something real, you will be an obvious choice.


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## EleGirl

I have heard that somewhere between 30%-50% of all marriages and long term relationships start online. So it obviously works.

I think that the trick to do this in numbers. Meet a lot of guys (gals) on line. Talk to them. Elemininate the ones who are obviously not going to work out with you.

Then meet several guys/gals in person... the first few dates are casual ones, like meeting for coffee.

Then if/when you find one or two you are really interested in check them out. Start with a criminal check  , check court and marriage records, etc. Make sure you know where they work, and so forth.

For a woman, never, ever get intimate with a guy who you do not know is telling you the truth.


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## Mr Limbo Man

Good stuff


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## Chuck71

social media is really the going thing now. most don't care for the bar scene and you get odd looks hitting on people in the mall. but the last time i was in the dating scene was 1997 so i am way behind the times.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

Well, I think a few of my good guy pals are on dating sites. One of them said he sometimes gets a smiley, but it's been a while. The guy I dated over the summer and ended it with was really nice enough, and good looking enough, but then he developed issues when actually in the relationship. He is back online. Even though he had issues with me, I think he has a lot of general sex appeal and some charm (when he's not overdoing the me me me thing  So I don't think that not all online profiles are deceitful. He certainly portrayed himself as being better adjusted and more in tune with nature than he really is. But whatever, men without mates who desire them are generally a bit rough around the edges, it's how they respond given that a woman is in their life, that really counts. You have to see how you *relate* to determine what is a good match or not, given the initial attraction which should definitely be there sooner than later.

As for me, I left my Match profile up long enough so that the guy I fell for when I interviewed for work he had to offer me, could have a good look at it to ascertain that I was single, and then I took it down and cancelled. I also cancelled my eHarmony subscription and put a notice in my profile that I was dating exclusively - I contacted customer service and they said this was the only way to address that, because my profile remains in the current matches to date. The one guy I met in person via being matched was very nice, but we were incompatible in terms of lifestyle. (vs. being immensely compatible on many different levels with current romantic involvement...)

The only thing that came of my profile being up on Match was that all the guys in town now, married and otherwise, seem to know who I am, and what I'm about, and they are much friendlier to me now too. How cool is that? I get more attention when I walk my dog to school to pick up my kids, or am walking to my classes. I think some of my college professors (the male ones of course) know me so much better now. (My grades haven't improved, but they were pretty high to begin with, lol.) When I walk into the coffee shop downtown, it is so much warmer in there. The guys who are chitchatting invariably recognize me. I can't believe how much a simple on-line profile has done for my day to day life in this small town. I have caught up in one month what I missed since nearly everyone here my age was in high school (30 years ago.)

To be honest, I'm much much better looking in person than I am in my profile photos. And in better shape than what I checked. I don't want to be held to any high standards. I'd rather exceed expectations. After all, we're going to age and eventually sag, why imprint oneself as a hottie on someone's mind, they'll be pissed off in a few years if it works out with that intial framework.

I think guys have it tough. If I walked past my now 'boyfriend' (he is anything but a boy) on the street, unless we had some kind of interaction, I probably wouldn't have noticed him, but maybe he would have noticed me, men being men, and then I'm sure I would have noticed him if he caught my attention in some way, and I'm sure, being who he is and how he is, he would have. As it was, we were introduced by email by one of his business partners who had met me at a conference, with the indication that there might be some work available for me and that we should talk separately. I have absolutely no clue if his partner had any other goals in mind, and he doesn't either, unless he has questioned him on that point already. It may well be that the partner did have some other motive besides a work connection, since he had by then known me for some 4 months, and we'd discussed things other than work, such as Argentine Tango, camping, my studies, books, movies, etc. However, it's unclear to me how much he knows beyond the fact that we met, and talked, and that I'm taking on some contract work in future that's been offered to me (and which I'm unquestionably well qualified to do) and keeping in touch. Eventually we'll all be working together on something and I'm sure someone will notice that we're involved but in our business a lot of people, including the guy who introduced us, work with their wife/s.o. at some point or another, given all the different projects and grants in a small geographical setting and a somewhat narrow niche. Anyway, I think introductions have really gone by the wayside in meeting people. But think about it, if you know someone in common, and really like that person, doesn't it make sense that you would have a lot in common with someone else who is also friends with that person?

Anyway, I don't think that people should set all their sights on a match made electronically. It should be part of an overall comprehensive social & life goal. For me, it was a way of really knowing what I'd found was unique to my needs and desires when I did find it. I'd streamlined my profile after the summer relationship and unlike before, only had a few inquiries and those were really top-notch people but we were ultimately not compatible except as friends. It was through this experience that I really knew that what I'd found when just out and about in my usual life (which is a bit odd, really) was definitely for me. You can't find what you want if you don't know what it is, otherwise you will end up settling. Sure there are compromises, but at core you deserve to be as compatible as possible with someone you let into your life in that capacity.


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## dubbizle

It would be intresting to hear the other side of the story of the person who was the date.

A lot of people on these baords [had] hot wives or hot husbands so maybe that is a sign people should look past the superficial, and even if the person does not look like their picture you still see what kind of person they are.

Its always funny how people come down on just about anyway people meet[Set ups,Bars,on-line dating before on line it was personal Adds in the paper,at the office] there is no perfect way so just have fun with it.


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## Chuck71

if you're from the SE, you can still meet at a barn dance!!


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## MSC71

dubbizle said:


> It would be intresting to hear the other side of the story of the person who was the date.
> 
> A lot of people on these baords [had] hot wives or hot husbands so maybe that is a sign people should look past the superficial, and even if the person does not look like their picture you still see what kind of person they are.
> .


To me its being dishonest so that's a no go in my book.


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## CandieGirl

Meh, the only interesting replies I ever got were when I put up a mock profile (my picture, but with a very sarky 'about me' and 'what I'm looking for'). Something along the lines of 'Princess looking for Frog, must be rich, willing to pay for EVERYTHING, blah blah blah.'. I wish I had a copy. It was priceless, and only the men with a sense of humor and a dash of courage dared reply, LMAO!


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## BeachGuy

Maybe another reason online dating has issues. People putting up fake profiles just for grins and giggles. Not fair to the honest guys who are really looking for a date.


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## EnjoliWoman

sharkeey said:


> Sounds to me like several who posted on this thread tried online dating briefly, met a few deceptive people and gave up.
> 
> You gotta keep at it, you gotta expect deception and dishonesty, and understand that you'll have a lot of bad first meetups but if you don't get discouraged and keep at it, you'll eventually find someone.
> 
> Online dating has been very good to me. Here's some tips from a self proclaimed "expert"
> 
> - Be honest with your own profile pictures and description
> - Expect them to be deceptive in their profiles
> - Consider using video chat so you can see them live on your screen before that first meeting
> - Make that first meet short and cheap. Coffee, a diner, or a walk in the park. If things click, you can extend or schedule a more official date.
> - Don't spend a lot of time messaging and chatting on the phone before that first meetup.
> - Talk to several people at once, that way when you're disappointed by one, you've got another lined up that just might be better.
> 
> That's for starters


All excellent. I've found almost all men lie about their height. I'm 5'7" and if a guy says 5'9" I can bet you he's about a half inch taller than I am. But that doesn't bother me. I haven't run across too many other misrepresentations. Usually there are multiple photos so a few will be a couple years old, and at least one fairly current. 

I agree on lunch or coffee, etc. Keep it brief and say up front that you have plans to meet a friend after to shop, or have to get to work, etc. That way you are only committed for a very specific period of time. If you hit it off you can always schedule another date and anticipation makes it sweet. 

As to OP's comment on weight, I'm sure there's some truth to that and here's my issue. I am a size 16 and for those who don't know what that means, picture Adele. I am plump but I am not a cow. I struggle choosing the right description. I don't think I'm a BBW and that also implies I'm not active and I am very active. I don't want a couch potato mate. I want to go/see/do. But I'm bigger than "a few extra pounds". So how does one answer that? I address it in my profile and I'm honest. I saw what I like to do to stay active and I state I"m somewhere between "a few extra pounds" and "BBW".

I don't like eHarmony because you can't see photos until you've completed certain steps and there is no place to select your preferred body type. And I don't want to waste my time or theirs if they don't want a woman who looks like those in a Renaissance painting. I'm pretty, I'm sensual and happy and I'd rather meet people who focus on those aspects of my personality.  I've been the same weight for 10 years so I'm not going to change drastically one way or the other.


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## CandieGirl

BeachGuy said:


> Maybe another reason online dating has issues. People putting up fake profiles just for grins and giggles. Not fair to the honest guys who are really looking for a date.


No worse than those putting up 'real' profiles packed with BS who are really looking for a date.

At least with mine, it was obviously a lark...anyone who thought otherwise would really have to be out to lunch.


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## Paradise

BeachGuy said:


> Maybe another reason online dating has issues. People putting up fake profiles just for grins and giggles. Not fair to the honest guys who are really looking for a date.


:iagree:

Reason I trashed my POF account in about one week. 

Most of the profiles are junk. I'm actually one of the few people who wish there were more strict requirements on there but I know it is free. I actually want to learn a bit about the person even if it is the best side of them.


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## aston

Shooboomafoo said:


> Same experiences here. Match, Plentyoffish, *******, all the same things. Expensive for me as well, so pretty useless if you cant pay for it.


Same experience there too! Lesson learnt: If all the pics are of their face or all the pics always include other people...RUN FOREST RUN!!:lol:


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## sharkeey

BeachGuy said:


> Maybe another reason online dating has issues. People putting up fake profiles just for grins and giggles. Not fair to the honest guys who are really looking for a date.


You won't find that on the pay sites.

Free sites are full of people playing games like that and it's not necessarily gender specific.

You get what you pay for.


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## LVS

Online dating is good if it is not the only thing we count on for dating and we don't give it all our free time. We can enjoy our life, have fun, do activities we like and keep checking now and then through the dating sites. I learned this after wasting lot of time on it lol. So many have fake profiles which make serious people not believing when they find the honest ones.

I was on POF and didn't like it, so many nasty guys there. I am now on catholic match which is not for free, I know there is so many lies but there is more chances to find someone real . I went on one date it didn't work but i wasn't shocked with the outside look


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## aston

LVS said:


> Online dating is good if it is not the only thing we count on for dating and we don't give it all our free time. We can enjoy our life, have fun, do activities we like and keep checking now and then through the dating sites. I learned this after wasting lot of time on it lol. So many have fake profiles which make serious people not believing when they find the honest ones.
> 
> I was on POF and didn't like it, so many nasty guys there. I am now on catholic match which is not for free, I know there is so many lies but there is more chances to find someone real . I went on one date it didn't work but i wasn't shocked with the outside look


AMEN! Well said. I think online dating has been bastardized. What usually surprises me the most is when I see these really young kids in their teens and twenties using online dating when they should be out socializing and improving their interpersonal communication skills.
In my view online dating is best suited for people with lifes experience e.g. career folks, divorcees and people that have reason to look beyond the "regular" channels for meeting people. Meeting people shouldn't be a fulltime job either, some people spend their lives "looking".
I met my GF on POF and I'm good with her (despite my distrust for women in general).
To your point, there are many lying nasty people on most free sites, even on some paid ones. Not just guys but women too. 
However it's more prevalent depending on which area.
For guys you'll get more cheaters than women. Married/attached man cheating on their partners is an area the scales tip.
For women you get more women with misrepresented physical features. More women misrepresent their looks online than men. When all you see is are face pictures or the pictures constantly have other people in them other than her thats usually a red flag.


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## 45188

I met my boyfriend online. Unintentionally. I was trying to screw around with him on a videogame so he would lose, and he ended up beating me anyway.. I liked his sense of humor, added him to MSN, popped on my webcam. he was surprised I was a girl. He grabbed his roomies webcam and we talked for hours on it. Instant connection. Instant.


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## EnjoliWoman

Free sites are full of men looking for a hookup. I find much better quality men on the pay sites. I figure if they can't afford $30 a month, they shouldn't be on a dating site anyway.


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## LVS

EleGirl said:


> I have heard that somewhere between 30%-50% of all marriages and long term relationships start online. So it obviously works.
> 
> I think that the trick to do this in numbers. Meet a lot of guys (gals) on line. Talk to them. Elemininate the ones who are obviously not going to work out with you.
> 
> Then meet several guys/gals in person... the first few dates are casual ones, like meeting for coffee.
> 
> Then if/when you find one or two you are really interested in check them out. Start with a criminal check  , check court and marriage records, etc. Make sure you know where they work, and so forth.
> 
> For a woman, never, ever get intimate with a guy who you do not know is telling you the truth.


:iagree: I have two married friends found their mates online.

I went in only one date till now reasons are because my standards are high and i am so cautious and fear to meet strangers. The one i met i took his full name and phone number and did the criminal check i also checked his marriage status and some details before i agreed to see him in person which wasted some of my time but this way i feel more secure.


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## Chuck71

AOL was a great place to meet people....back in the late 90's. It was also a place where many spouses saw an outlet to cheat. I talked to one for awhile back in the 90's and I kept noticing her using "we". Her profile said single, I asked her and she admitted, I am married but I'm not happy. First thing I thought was, I'm sure your hubby can say the same thing.


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## sharkeey

EnjoliWoman said:


> Free sites are full of men looking for a hookup. I find much better quality men on the pay sites. I figure if they can't afford $30 a month, they shouldn't be on a dating site anyway.


The free sites have much higher volume and a much higher ratio of losers vs quality potential relationship mates.

I've had roughly equal success rates with pay sites such as Match vs free sites such as POF or OKC, although you need to weed through a lot more garbage on the free sites to end up with the good ones. There are quality members on the free sites, don't rule them out just because they've got the free profile thing going.


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## aston

Chuck71 said:


> AOL was a great place to meet people....back in the late 90's. It was also a place where many spouses saw an outlet to cheat. I talked to one for awhile back in the 90's and I kept noticing her using "we". Her profile said single, I asked her and she admitted, I am married but I'm not happy. First thing I thought was, I'm sure your hubby can say the same thing.


My first job out of college was with Maxim Magazine (big in the 90's and early 2000's) and we used to source the dating content from love & americansingles (both belonged to AOL, which later became match).
It wasn't unusual to run the stats and see many spouses either using multiple profiles from the same IP addresses (the days of the central / shared computer at home) which meant there was more than one person in the household using the personals site. In some cases there were multiple AOL sign ons using different ID's (DSL days) but form the same IP address at extremely varying times of the day (DAy / Night). The stats used to be fun to present to marketing lol.

It appeare some things just never really change.


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## aston

sharkeey said:


> The free sites have much higher volume and a much higher ratio of losers vs quality potential relationship mates.
> 
> I've had roughly equal success rates with pay sites such as Match vs free sites such as POF or OKC, although you need to weed through a lot more garbage on the free sites to end up with the good ones. There are quality members on the free sites, don't rule them out just because they've got the free profile thing going.


OKC and POF usually have the same people profile-for-profile. They are very useful but I've found that the younger they are the more they treat it like a catalog. There's no true effort to be veted in the relationship knowing they can go back to the online catalog of people and pick one.

I remember when I first had my profile I met maybe a date or two every two weeks before meeting my GF.
But I put up an additional picture or two featuring my material posessions (a range rover never hurt) and the number of dates skyrocketted.
Needless to say, I think the old school ways of meeting people still trumps the web.


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## Chuck71

The old way is best by far. But it's being at the right place at the right time. Blind dates from mutual friends are usually good, if it is a total mismatch at least you know what your friend thinks of you! I live in a small town so there are not that many places to meet, plus I'm an old geezer now. But an example of what we just agreed upon, back in Dec '96 I was still in a fallout from a five year LTR, last couple years at least off n on, and I thought NYE is gonna suck this year. I had a morning from he!! and I stomped into a store to buy a USA Today to decide what games to bet on Sunday. Very attractive girl behind the counter, we chatted. Next thing I knew we were partying in the new year wasted and loving every minute of it. We dated a few months.....ended it on good terms. But yes, it is usually when you lest expect it.


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## aston

Chuck71 said:


> The old way is best by far. But it's being at the right place at the right time. Blind dates from mutual friends are usually good, if it is a total mismatch at least you know what your friend thinks of you! I live in a small town so there are not that many places to meet, plus I'm an old geezer now. But an example of what we just agreed upon, back in Dec '96 I was still in a fallout from a five year LTR, last couple years at least off n on, and I thought NYE is gonna suck this year. I had a morning from he!! and I stomped into a store to buy a USA Today to decide what games to bet on Sunday. Very attractive girl behind the counter, we chatted. Next thing I knew we were partying in the new year wasted and loving every minute of it. We dated a few months.....ended it on good terms. But yes, it is usually when you lest expect it.


AMEN to that! I find the best relationships are the ones you neither planned nor saw coming.


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## cloudwithleggs

MSC71 said:


> I met two women online. Eventually talked on the phone and then met for coffee or something quick. Neither looked like the pictures they posted. And apparently "average" body type means they used to be average or want to be average but are really are not! End of my rant.


Why don't you just web cam fully naked and ask them to do the same = win  don't web cams make life easy 

I always stated i was average body type, i lied, (which way did i lie) that leads me to artistically cropped pictures, you can get banned here for those 

I'm not dating at present, lvling through GW2 less i meet a guy that way :FIREdevil:


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## aston

cloudwithleggs said:


> Why don't you just web cam fully naked and ask them to do the same = win  don't web cams make life easy
> 
> I always stated i was average body type, i lied, (which way did i lie) that leads me to artistically cropped pictures, you can get banned here for those
> 
> I'm not dating at present, lvling through GW2 less i meet a guy that way :FIREdevil:


Online dating can be very iffy....


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## EnjoliWoman

I've gotten pretty good at weeding out the BS. It's the ones that pass through to meet in person that I then have to weed out. And those instances probably would have happened anywhere, really.


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## working_together

Apparently all the women lie about their weight, and the men lie about their height. I met one guy online, he said he said he was 5'8, and he ended up being 5'6. We talked about just that issue, and he says "yeah, I lie about my height, otherwise women won't want to meet me". No idiot, they won't want to meet you cause you're a liar...grrr

I've had mixed experiences with online dating. One guy I met once briefly we both went to the bathroom at the same time, and he never came out, I waited 5 min, and left...lol. One guy kept bugging me to eat my dinner. One guy was a pot head, like smoking a joint the entire date...wtf? I also met a guy I casually dated for several months. I recently met a very nice guy...we'll see, he seems too normal...lol

I haven't got the weenie pics yet, and I don't want them either...lol not from a stranger any way...blah

It's a tough world out there when you're over 40, divorced, and have a busy career.


----------



## ing

working_together said:


> It's a tough world out there when you're over 40, divorced, and have a busy career.


I routinely put my height as 6ft but discovered that I was almost an inch shorter than I was than the last time I measured myself.

I can't believe that sending wang [au] pics is going to work. I have heard of it before and was a bit surprised. 
What are you supposed to say as a woman?

Oh look. It works! Come to think about it though, that may not be a bad thing to ask at this stage in life.


----------



## Deejo

Have commented previously that I dated a very attractive woman that literally ... had a gallery of c*ck shots on her phone that guys would send her. Had one sent to her by a prominent Australian Footballer ... Yes, I saw the gallery.

She too, thought it was bizarre and hilarious. I have no idea how this started, or why in the world, men would think this is something women want ... but somehow it has become ingrained.


----------



## sharkeey

Deejo said:


> Have commented previously that I dated a very attractive woman that literally ... had a gallery of c*ck shots on her phone that guys would send her..


I don't get it either. 

I just downloaded this one and I just don't see the big deal.


----------



## ScarletBegonias

Maybe men want women to know what they're getting beforehand.That way the woman doesn't make the droopy disappointed face when he takes his pants off at the end of a really good date.She'll already be prepared with her game face..if she agrees to the date to start with that is.


----------



## Deejo

ScarletBegonias said:


> Maybe men want women to know what they're getting beforehand.That way the woman doesn't make the droopy disappointed face when he takes his pants off at the end of a really good date.She'll already be prepared with her game face..if she agrees to the date to start with that is.


"My penis was wondering if you would like to meet for coffee on Saturday? Here's a pic of me and him after a workout in the bathroom. He wanted me to tell you, he's a grower, not a shower"

I guess it could work?


----------



## ScarletBegonias

I'm partial to the growers.They aren't all "hey look at me,I'm a big fat penis!"

i'd laugh my butt off if someone had enough guts to send that message to me.It might be enough to make me go out with him,just for a fun night


----------



## Lon

ScarletBegonias said:


> I'm partial to the growers.They aren't all "hey look at me,I'm a big fat penis!"
> 
> i'd laugh my butt off if someone had enough guts to send that message to me.It might be enough to make me go out with him,just for a fun night


You got mail!


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

I dunno. I dated a guy for his personality and because I was generally attracted to the way we fit together in our little social space we had one day. Apparently I hit the jackpot in terms of...well, everything. I feel that life has finally delivered to me exactly what I deserved. A total package, so to speak.


----------



## Deejo

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> I dunno. I dated a guy for his personality and because I was generally attracted to the way we fit together in our little social space we had one day. Apparently I hit the jackpot in terms of...well, everything. I feel that life has finally delivered to me exactly what I deserved. A total package, so to speak.


Is this now, HNU, or is this your guy that had the brain trauma?


----------



## nice777guy

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> I dunno. I dated a guy for his personality and because I was generally attracted to the way we fit together in our little social space we had one day. Apparently I hit the jackpot in terms of...well, everything. I feel that life has finally delivered to me exactly what I deserved. A total package, so to speak.


She said "package"


----------



## aston

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> I dunno. I dated a guy for his personality and because I was generally attracted to the way we fit together in our little social space we had one day. Apparently I hit the jackpot in terms of...well, everything. I feel that life has finally delivered to me exactly what I deserved. A total package, so to speak.


yea she scored a jackpot with me....500,000 reasons too!


----------



## Freak On a Leash

This is a great thread! I have a couple of friends who have done the online dating thing and it makes for great stories. No one seems to be all that enthralled with it. None of my friends mentioned getting any pics of dic*ks though. :rofl:

Personally I couldn't do online dating. For one, it seems like waaay too much work! Also, I never like anyone right off. The odds of meeting someone and hitting it off with them are pretty much nil. Plus, I'm such an oddball I can't even imagine what would come up. 

I also can't imagine just going and spending time with someone one-on-one who I don't know. I've always met people in groups, through friends, etc. That sort of thing. Basically online dating is going on a "blind date" and I was never into that scene. 

I guess it's a good thing that I really don't care about meeting anyone or dating. I rather like being alone and if I were to spend the rest of my life on my own it wouldn't be a problem. If I were to meet someone and hit it off then that would be OK but I have yet to meet anyone. 

I think I just scare most guys. I'm not fat at all, quite the opposite but my spiked, 2 colored hair and the way I dress might make a few stop in their tracks, but also it's my general crazy attitude.  

I often wonder about the men who complain about the women who lie about their weight. Most men my age aren't in good shape at all. I often go to Meetup groups just to get together with other people who have common interests and do the same stuff I like to do.

The Meetups range from hiking and kayaking to just going out to restaurants/bars and it's rare that I find a guy who I feel is attractive. Most of them sport beer bellies, if they have hair they don't have it styled and put all that crappy gel in it and don't know how to dress. I like my men tall and on the thin side which is probably why I've kept my husband around as long as I have.


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

Deejo said:


> Is this now, HNU, or is this your guy that had the brain trauma?


Are you stalking me? This is now. I went for an interview and it turned into a sort of coffee date. I got work under my own steam, on two different counts that he's involved with one way or another. But we ended up with a relationship as well, that's all separate from that. One of those things. Never had that happen to me before, and he hadn't either. We were introduced by one of the key people on his project team, that I'd met some months earlier, with a view towards, supposedly, establishing a professional affiliation.


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

nice777guy said:


> She said "package"


What do you expect from a literature major 
Why, yes I did.
And, he's the real deal, too.
Finally, someone I can connect to, both cerebrally and otherwise.


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

aston said:


> yea she scored a jackpot with me....500,000 reasons too!


Are you talking about $?
With my guy, I'm willing to work for my money.
I met him when I interviewed for work at his company, introduced by a partner of his I met at a conference.
I haven't yet signed my contract or told him my rates.
I mean, my legit business contract.
For income that I don't need but he's encouraging me to step aside from my dirtbag mentality. I suppose I should make some money if he feels he has work for me to do...because I want to fund a trip to Mongolia...dirtbag style...sigh. I don't think there's any redemption for me. I mean, it appears that he has a good income, but he's generous with it so I have no idea what his bottom line is. He could be flat broke and just keeping up with work lifestyle...there is no way to tell and it doesn't concern me. What I want and what my dreams are, are immaterial. If he can't deliver his half in terms of those, then there will be a big issue. I value his personal partnership more than I value any money he might have legitimately in his own personal bank account...as far as his business goes, if he can afford me and has legit work for me, I'll take what I'm worth to the profit margins after he takes his cut for floating all the risk involved.

I've been on break from 'real' work, working strictly in research these past few years because I have a full scholarship with benefits (housing, tuition, books) plus I have school age kids. I was keeping in touch with current research in my career field, following my nose, and stepped into this research project and it happens he has a commercial outfit that could use my specific skills sooner than later. I've reduced my course load to cover the time I'll be working. But I'm not dropping out of school to make $, that's not what I want to be doing. All of my various research project teammates and bosses are supportive of me in this respect. My new 'boss' thinks I might do well to finish up my degree in literature and writing and then step back into academia doing a PhD in computational linguistics with the partner as my academic advisor. I might consider doing this, I'll be working for the guy under a research project and the commercial enterprise a bit so I can feel it out. 

Many people in our field work with their spouses, so it's not really all that unusual to be partnered up. It's a niche field.

I have stricter standards for boyfriend than I do boss/client. 
He needs to deliver the immaterial stuff. 

I don't do bling. It's entirely useless to me. I can['t be bought, but I can be won over. He does have a very nice package, but that came as a surprise. All I could think was, I deserve this, I really do.


----------



## Deejo

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> Are you stalking me? This is now. I went for an interview and it turned into a sort of coffee date. I got work under my own steam, on two different counts that he's involved with one way or another. But we ended up with a relationship as well, that's all separate from that. One of those things. Never had that happen to me before, and he hadn't either. We were introduced by one of the key people on his project team, that I'd met some months earlier, with a view towards, supposedly, establishing a professional affiliation.


I called that one. I'm very happy for you.

And yes ... of course I'm stalking you.


----------



## working_together

Deejo said:


> Is this now, HNU, or is this your guy that had the brain trauma?


It's hard to keep up with the dating life of singles....lol. She went out with one guy after the brain trauma guy, now she's with someone else.

HNU, How long have you guys been dating anyway??


----------



## Deejo

working_together said:


> It's hard to keep up with the dating life of singles....lol. She went out with one guy after the brain trauma guy, now she's with someone else.
> 
> HNU, How long have you guys been dating anyway??


If my stalking serves, about 4 weeks.


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

Deejo said:


> I called that one. I'm very happy for you.
> 
> And yes ... of course I'm stalking you.


Why yes, I believe you did. I was very grateful for your insight, but I'm so sorry I think I forgot the source (it must have been the shock of the suggestion...) I think it went along the lines of 'that sounds more like a date than an interview.' 

I said to myself, you know, it felt more like a date than an interview, and it was, indeed, very very pleasant. When he then emailed back and forth I encouraged him a little and responded when he inserted a ;-) in one of his emails...he rallied with a suggestion of getting together after his return from a business trip...I agreed, and then he hazarded dinner given interest and availability...I replied positively on both counts, interest yes availability yes. 

It all went well, once I understood that my interview was not just any interview but something a little bit different. 

In my line of work the questioning wasn't exactly out of line, even discussion of Shades of Grey  could be justified. As for me, I didn't want to be bothered with the work if it contradicted my lifestyle, so I went to great lengths to open it wide open so there wouldn't be any question of what I was about. It turned out that what I was about was what he was about, and so we got along just fine. 

He sleeps in his office on a futon and doesn't even own a car, I have as little car as possible and a pull-out sofa. We are into experience, not accumulation. But we also leverage our intellect, have no PhD's but equivalent knowledge, etc. There are sufficient differences to keep it interesting. 

I'm sticking to the path that brought me to this point, as it's a true one. As a Quaker there isn't much else for me to do. He only has himself that's of any value to me. The work is quite nice but I came by the research work without him...he's had to do some convincing to get me to sign on, and I'm only doing it because I trust him to pay me fairly and to give me work I can handle and mostly enjoy. My studies do come first unless he asks for a higher priority which I doubt he would make me choose and I'd be pissed if he did.

I'm reading Portrait of a Lady this evening and couldn't be happier with that. I need to have the freedom to do the stuff that's on my path...he definitely can have a place in it. I know what I need to do to be 'me'... which is, when push comes to shove, somewhat adorable


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

working_together said:


> It's hard to keep up with the dating life of singles....lol. She went out with one guy after the brain trauma guy, now she's with someone else.
> 
> HNU, How long have you guys been dating anyway??


I did date the glassblower over the summer. He crashed and burned and decided he wasn't attracted to me. He went off Zoloft and disintegrated into some kind of self-abused illogical disorganized foot-shooting pothead with a main theme of narcissism and indulging his 7 month old 70 pound puppy. He displayed a temper and then tried to project it onto me by repeated insults to my self-control after stating that he didn't love me and wasn't attracted to me, at 1 a.m. :sleeping: I left. Then he tried to say that he had been willing to wait til morning to see if he felt differently. I later forwarded to him some emails I'd written to myself a couple weeks previously regarding his descent into self mismanagement, and stating that I didn't have to worry about the relationship, he would sink or swim, adding of course that I had hoped he might swim. 

Two weeks later I went on a job interview...

I had meant to end the summer relationship at the end of the summer, but as he said he was feeling closer to me I gave it some time...later he said he had hoped we might drift apart but that he liked my company and wanted me around. Ummmmm, no, sorry. I don't have time to be a companion, and he's got a dog for that! It was one of those things, my therapist had told me to get out and date, and honestly, when he was on the Zoloft he was a very good summer companion, took the time to go to the lake and to go mountain biking....but when Zoloft was replaced with pot....

I'm not a prude. This was a nice guy before he gave up on himself, and his income was very low. Very, very low. Had he swam instead of sunk, I'd be working for profits and likely helping him out. Keeping my boss as a boss and drawing that line. In fact, I would never have followed up from the interview the way I did after I found that I enjoyed the interview and it was pointed out to me that it was more of a date. Because really I was a bit clueless...I sort of got it, but I could not actually believe what I was experiencing...however my writing skills somehow helped me to put the whole morning in front of someone who knew me well enough to see through my eyes for me. Thank God for that.

If you count the interview and the emails, a bit shy of 4 weeks.
Otherwise, 1 week. He means business. It's not as though we can't communicate about anything. We work in semantics analysis, there's not much room for thinking someone said something they might not have meant.

And yes, I've been somewhat steadily 'busy' since I filed for divorce. I'm amiable. And also picky, but realistic. This is a real find. I think even if I had been seeing someone, it's possible I might have ended it to take advantage. I can't know because that's not the case. It might be that he did, but I didn't ask, exactly. He said it's been two years since a serious relationship, I guess it's been two years since I was seriously immersed fully in my marriage to my ex-H who proved unworthy. It's amazing what happened when I raised my standards to what I really wanted and ended a relationship because of technicalities in that respect.


----------



## MSC71

I'm 6'2" 190 lbs. Tall and thin. I have noticed that that is a big plus when you are 40. And being normal helps too. Thank you to all the nut jobs out there for that .


----------



## nice777guy

"I'm so much cooler online" - Brad Paisley


----------



## Freak On a Leash

MSC71 said:


> I'm 6'2" 190 lbs. Tall and thin. I have noticed that that is a big plus when you are 40. And being normal helps too.


You sound like my kind of guy.  At 40 you still find some guys in good shape, but at 50 it becomes much harder. Don't know what happens in those 10 years. Too much sitting around watching the game while drinking beer I suppose. 

The whole "normal" thing applies to any age.


----------



## ing

Freak On a Leash said:


> You sound like my kind of guy.  At 40 you still find some guys in good shape, but at 50 it becomes much harder. Don't know what happens in those 10 years. Too much sitting around watching the game while drinking beer I suppose.
> 
> The whole "normal" thing applies to any age.


Here is my dating profile..
<start dating profile>
Almost 50
Almost normal. 
Own teeth.
Own hair. mostly not grey. 
Thin. 
No beer belly.
has a new car.
Rides a bike with pedals.
What are you doing on Sunday? 
Sunday sucks to be single.

<end dating profile>


----------



## MSC71

Freak On a Leash said:


> You sound like my kind of guy.  At 40 you still find some guys in good shape, but at 50 it becomes much harder. Don't know what happens in those 10 years. Too much sitting around watching the game while drinking beer I suppose.
> 
> The whole "normal" thing applies to any age.


Lol, I always thought normal = boring but apparently not.


----------



## BeachGuy

Freak On a Leash said:


> At 40 you still find some guys in good shape, but at 50 it becomes much harder. Don't know what happens in those 10 years. Too much sitting around watching the game while drinking beer I suppose.


Have you looked around at the 50+ year old women us men have to choose from???? Same can be said for them. Too much tanning and ice cream in those 10 years.


----------



## EnjoliWoman

Almost 45
Certifiably sane
Own teeth (quite nice ones thanks to orthodontist)
Own hair - tho I cover the grey
Softly rounded. I can still shop in a normal store.
5'7 or maybe shrunk to 5'6.5"?
10 yr old car (paid for is good), well maintained, looks good, no rust or damage (Accord)
Own my home
And I'm fabulous.


----------



## In_The_Wind

This thread reminds me of that commercial where the girl is saying well it must be true it was on the internet and then her date shows up and says "Bonjour" and she says oh he is a french model LOL i thought that was hilarious


----------



## Freak On a Leash

ing said:


> Here is my dating profile..
> <start dating profile>
> Almost 50
> Almost normal.
> Own teeth.
> Own hair. mostly not grey.
> Thin.
> No beer belly.
> has a new car.
> Rides a bike with pedals.
> What are you doing on Sunday?
> Sunday sucks to be single.
> 
> <end dating profile>


:lol: Ok,.I'll bite!

<start dating profile>

Almost 50 going on 20

Normal? WTF is that? Listen to the Avril Lavigne song "Anything But Ordinary". That's me. 

Own teeth. Father was a dentist so they are in great shape.

Own hair. What's grey? Right now it's black and blonde but today I'm going to throw in some purple tint on the black. I want my hair to compete with my Christmas tree! 

Thin. 5'2". I'm a size 5 working on a 3. I shop at Hot Topic. 

While I love beer, no beer belly. 

Has a Jeep Wrangler. It's lifted 4.5" with 33x12.50 tires. 'Nuff said!

Rides a bike with pedals but no handlebars. (That's a quote from a song you probably don't know). 

I also have paddles for my two kayaks. I also have hiking sticks to go with my boots and poles to go with my skis.  

I don't do Sundays. That's for sleeping late, chores, World of Warcraft and getting ready for work. Peak days are Thursday-Saturday, when I'm off.

Please DO NOT ask me to stay home and watch TV. 

Love being single. Are you up to the challenge of changing that? Good luck!

<end dating profile>


----------



## Freak On a Leash

MSC71 said:


> Lol, I always thought normal = boring but apparently not.


Well, it is, but it's better than getting pics of a di*ck sent to you. I guess out in the online dating world you have to take what you can get, which is why I don't do it. I see no point in wasting my time hanging with people who bore me. Life is too short. 

But yes, most "normal" is pretty boring. I don't consider myself "normal". I'm definitely "unconventional". IMO "Unconventional" is good if it's interesting and fun. I think anyone who hangs with me is a bit "off" in a good way. They have to be.


----------



## Freak On a Leash

BeachGuy said:


> Have you looked around at the 50+ year old women us men have to choose from???? Same can be said for them. Too much tanning and ice cream in those 10 years.


I can only imagine what you get in Florida. :rofl:

I'll agree with that. Even among my women friends I'm amazed at how little thought or interest goes into their appearance. Aside from gaining weight, most middle aged women look as if some animal crawled on their head and died there. They don't style their hair or it looks like it hasn't been changed in the last 25 years. What's with that? :scratchhead:

And why no make up? Your skin doesn't shrivel up and die if you apply a bit of liner and mascara. 

And whats with the matronly clothes? You can't dress in fun and interesting clothes? Is there a law that says when you turn 40 you have to turn in your jeans and cotton for polyester? I seem to have missed that. 

Personally, I wouldn't want to date most of the women my age either. It's like they've given up on their appearance and don't care. Of course there are exceptions to the rule but it's astonishing how many women complain to me about the appearance of men but don't seem to make themselves more attractive either. 

So what comes first? The not caring about yourself part or the part where you get older and give up and THEN not give a damn? 

Last spring I went to my daughter's college for one of those meetings when they have the parents come to with their kids. I looked around the room and thought to myself "When did all the people I grew up with turn into my parents?".  Scratch that, my parents looked a heck of a lot better.


----------



## arbitrator

I have to admit that I met my STBXW online at one of those online dating pay sites.

But I'd think that if there is to ever be another Ms. Arbitrator, then I would greatly think that I'd just want to come to meet her through conventional channels~ just saying!


----------



## EnjoliWoman

I've met some cool people online. But I know how to weed 'em.

And I agree, Freak - I don't NEED makeup but even on the weekends I'll add some mascara and tinted lip balm. I don't own Mom jeans, I keep up with trends without looking like I'm trying too hard. I even keep up with music. I change my hairstyle enough to keep current. 

When I look around I wonder if some people OWN a mirror.


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

Smug. I feel smug. May this feeling last.
After all I've been through, I feel as though I might deserve what I have.


----------



## working_together

MSC71 said:


> I'm 6'2" 190 lbs. Tall and thin. I have noticed that that is a big plus when you are 40. And being normal helps too. Thank you to all the nut jobs out there for that .


It's funny you say that, I made sure I put tall on my profile, I'm not attracted to short people at all.


----------



## Lon

working_together said:


> It's funny you say that, I made sure I put tall on my profile, I'm not attracted to short people at all.


Yes, tall guys have a large advantage. On the free sites, nearly every women's profile I look at say they want 5'10 or taller  even the super cute 5'1" girls. The only ones that I've ever seen that actually say they prefer shorter guys are usually tall and heavy.

Whatever, I'm still gonna keep looking for my short and sweet lady out there but will certainly not pass them over for whatever size they may be (though their physical condition will definitely come into play).

Looks is just the first qualifier, but with online dating that seems to present the first barrier for me (just not nearly enough women on their in my town, the good ones seem to get on there and off by the following weekend).


----------



## ing

Freak On a Leash said:


> :lol: Ok,.I'll bite!
> 
> <start dating profile>
> 
> Almost 50 going on 20
> 
> Normal? WTF is that? Listen to the Avril Lavigne song "Anything But Ordinary". That's me.
> 
> Own teeth. Father was a dentist so they are in great shape.
> 
> Own hair. What's grey? Right now it's black and blonde but today I'm going to throw in some purple tint on the black. I want my hair to compete with my Christmas tree!
> 
> Thin. 5'2". I'm a size 5 working on a 3. I shop at Hot Topic.
> 
> While I love beer, no beer belly.
> 
> Has a Jeep Wrangler. It's lifted 4.5" with 33x12.50 tires. 'Nuff said!
> 
> Rides a bike with pedals but no handlebars. (That's a quote from a song you probably don't know).
> 
> I also have paddles for my two kayaks. I also have hiking sticks to go with my boots and poles to go with my skis.
> 
> I don't do Sundays. That's for sleeping late, chores, World of Warcraft and getting ready for work. Peak days are Thursday-Saturday, when I'm off.
> 
> Please DO NOT ask me to stay home and watch TV.
> 
> Love being single. Are you up to the challenge of changing that? Good luck!
> 
> <end dating profile>


This thread is making me laugh.


----------



## unsure78

lon dont be dissuaded by the 5'10" thing (i do like tall) i put that down too but its wasnt a hard and fast. we all have physical preferences but its just a preference not a requirement, and the engineer is 5'8", and i dont care at all 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

I think with my boots on I'm only a few inches shorter...


----------



## EnjoliWoman

As long as I'm not taller, I really don't care. As long as he doesn't!


----------



## Freak On a Leash

ing said:


> This thread is making me laugh.


:rofl: :lol:I notice you quote ME when you say that. Awesome! :smthumbup:

Anyone who has "To Boldly Go" as their avatar is cool by me. 

Live Long and Prosper Dude. I love Trek!  If there's one thing I'll stay home and watch, it's Star Trek. I work out while watching it on Netflix.


----------



## cloudwithleggs

Deejo said:


> Have commented previously that I dated a very attractive woman that literally ... had a gallery of c*ck shots on her phone that guys would send her. Had one sent to her by a prominent Australian Footballer ... Yes, I saw the gallery.
> 
> She too, thought it was bizarre and hilarious. I have no idea how this started, or why in the world, men would think this is something women want ... but somehow it has become ingrained.


My first thought would be why keep them, i have never kept **** pics, it is only a body part of a much better reward that the person is, much prefer full body pics with face no erection, it was not a lie when they say eyes are the windows of ones soul.

And why would she tell you and why would you want to look, curious and curiouser.

so she didn't have video's of guys jacking off, winks those are much better than static pics :smthumbup:


----------



## Freak On a Leash

Maybe she thought it would make for good dinner conversation and would lead to some after dinner interaction? "Hey, how would you like to be part of pic gallery?" :rofl:


----------



## cloudwithleggs

Really she was very bad mannered i would never share a pic a guy gave me let alone show it to a prospective date, it is not the done thing, how would you feel if it were reversed and what would you think of them, i know what i think.


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

This thread is depressing me now.


----------



## Lon

cloudwithleggs said:


> Really she was very bad mannered i would never share a pic a guy gave me let alone show it to a prospective date, it is not the done thing, how would you feel if it were reversed and what would you think of them, i know what i think.


As a guy, if I were to be emailing pics of my c0ck to random women on a free online dating site, I'd EXPECT, no... I'd HOPE, her to be sharing them with her friends, it's not like she signed a EULA, limiting the copyright usage before receiving the c0ck pic. Why else send pics unless you enjoy exposing yourself to stangers? And the more exposure the better.

And conversely, if unknown women were sending me unsolicited pics of their nude genitals - I would probably share them with my buddies too. Of course if they we were more than just "potential" dates and actually communicated and had some form of relationship, even correspondence, I would use discretion.

But that is why its so strange that anyone would send naked pics of their junk to a complete stranger unless they were just simply addicted to the thrill of exposing themselves.


----------



## cloudwithleggs

This reminds me of the time when a guy on a dating site sent me a pic, via text, he told me it was a very naughty pic, so pic was sent he was in suspenders, stockings, skirt and believe me he was totally serious, i told him i wasn't in to it, seem to think other women liked it and why didn't i, he then sent a pic of his erect ****, not impressed.


----------



## Lon

cloudwithleggs said:


> This reminds me of the time when a guy on a dating site sent me a pic, via text, he told me it was a very naughty pic, so pic was sent he was in suspenders, stockings, skirt and believe me he was totally serious, i told him i wasn't in to it, seem to think other women liked it and why didn't i, he then sent a pic of his erect ****, not impressed.


And you didn't want to share that comedic gold?


----------



## MSC71

cloudwithleggs said:


> This reminds me of the time when a guy on a dating site sent me a pic, via text, he told me it was a very naughty pic, so pic was sent he was in suspenders, stockings, skirt and believe me he was totally serious, i told him i wasn't in to it, seem to think other women liked it and why didn't i, he then sent a pic of his erect ****, not impressed.


The other women that liked it were fibbing.


----------



## Deejo

cloudwithleggs said:


> My first thought would be why keep them, i have never kept **** pics, it is only a body part of a much better reward that the person is, much prefer full body pics with face no erection, it was not a lie when they say eyes are the windows of ones soul.
> 
> And why would she tell you and why would you want to look, curious and curiouser.
> 
> so she didn't have video's of guys jacking off, winks those are much better than static pics :smthumbup:


Because they enable one to easily claim, "Look at how stupid some dudes are."
We were of course talking about the oddities of online dating. EVERY woman I have dated has had a 'story'. Some of them were quite troubling.

Her showing me her 'rogue's gallery' was foreplay of course. They were guys that never actually got a date.

I glanced briefly at the pics, handed back her phone and said, "If this is my competition out there, and they think this is cool and will land dates, I have nothing to worry about." I also joked that most of them were probably photoshopped.

I just jumped back into the madness myself. Haven't sent any crotch shots, but do have a few dates lined up.

And yes HNU, you DO deserve this.


----------



## EnjoliWoman

I've never had a guy send a nude pic. I've had them elude to the fact they could send me more 'private' photos if I shared my email. Any guy who does that or starts talking about sex instead of the usual get-to-know-you stuff gets blocked.


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

Deejo said:


> And yes HNU, you DO deserve this.


Thanks, I appreciate that.
I mentioned to him...finally...I am getting what I deserve, and he agreed too.

Honestly, I've had so many offers of relationships with the house, the guy with the job, the perfect car, the purebred dog, the date nights, the clingy texting, etc. I just can't bring myself to be attracted to someone who might be 'perfect' on paper but whose presence requires an inner dialog of excuses and maneuverings on my part..and then some form of dissociation would be required on the physical side of things due to lack of attraction (fake it til you make it I guess is what that's called.)

This guy...no inner dialog required. No checking out required on the physical side. Real thing material.

What's odd in terms of manifestation is that last evening I was going to suggest going to a certain location for dinner, we got in the vehicle and he started driving, we were talking, and I realized he was heading for the general location of where I was going to suggest. There were loads of places close by where we started out. 

I'm not really into Christmas in a material way, and I hate wasting energy, but the lights in that town were really pretty...and I appreciated that I now have a different memory of that place. It was the right place to be, since I lived there when I was making some tough choices, had just left my younger kids' dad, went out on a limb to make a better future for my life possible, without having any real plan. So to end up back in that place in the context of things, was sweet. It made sense, not in some aha-association way, but just the drive over familiar streets in a very comfortable historic town...sometimes when traumatic stuff happens in the past, you leave a loose end...this was sort of like picking it up and weaving it in. Nice.

Still, dating is tough. It requires a sort of mental energy / balance to be in a relationship, especially if you've brought your true self into it. 

I guess the complain here with online dating is that a lot of people leave their true selves behind...maybe part of that is willingly being in a state of flux, having the availability to be flexible in creating a new life with someone...while still having a life... of course then there's all the creeps, too.


----------



## working_together

I've gone on a lot of dates, mostly one time dates, where I wasn't attracted, or didn't like thier personality after all. What i do find odd, and I read this in the forum section of one of the dating sites, is that we kind of wait around for something better to come around. I was like "no, way, I wouldn't do that", and yeah, I feel I do that a bit. 

I look for spunk, and witty people, and most aren't that way.


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

working_together said:


> I've gone on a lot of dates, mostly one time dates, where I wasn't attracted, or didn't like thier personality after all. What i do find odd, and I read this in the forum section of one of the dating sites, is that we kind of wait around for something better to come around. I was like "no, way, I wouldn't do that", and yeah, I feel I do that a bit.
> 
> I look for spunk, and witty people, and most aren't that way.


Why shouldn't you wait for what you want? If you concede, it doesn't do anyone any favors. And you'll always know you 'settled' when you shouldn't have. I'm not sure what happened to me after my brain injury, but it became impossible for me to be able to make excuses for people in a relationship. It's like I'm more aware of any mental gymnastics I might be doing to accommodate stuff I don't really need to be accommodating/have no right to spend my energy that way.
I think people do pick up on things when we 'settle' even though we do appreciate these people for who they are, you can almost feel the energy drain. People should be balanced in their relationships, if you don't wait for what you want, or make yourself available to it, how is it going to find you?


----------



## keepsmiling

Online dating doesn't work for everyone.
Nor does a chat up line at a bar.
Or having a hobby/club you go to.
Or dating someone from work.

Someone said it's for certain types of people, I agree - it worked for me because I could take my time getting to know someone before meeting, to be sure they were genuine. Then when it comes to meeting, you already have a fair idea of what sort of person they are and vice versa and it's more like a check to see if you have physical chemistry as well. If so, you're on to something!

I'd say if you are comfortable or feel you can express/be yourself through text then it's a good idea. The point is, you want to portray yourself honestly, and they should reciprocate. If you feel that they aren't, wish them well and move on.

Just mho, based on experience


----------



## MSC71

My luck is changing. Now I'm chatting with a few good prospects. Being thin, tall and normal is finally paying off! Lol.


----------



## Chuck71

it's pot luck, as with anything else. if i may ask, what site are you using?


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

MSC71 said:


> My luck is changing. Now I'm chatting with a few good prospects. Being thin, tall and normal is finally paying off! Lol.


That's all good. But please, don't be normal. What a waste normal is...!


----------



## MSC71

Chuck71 said:


> it's pot luck, as with anything else. if i may ask, what site are you using?


******* and plenty of fish. Both have apps for android.








Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> That's all good. But please, don't be normal. What a waste normal is...!


Lol. Well I should say normal compared to most people on those sites.


----------



## Chuck71

i don't even have a cell so that is over my head lol


----------



## Freak On a Leash

You don't have a cell phone at all? I have a friend like that. He refuses to get a cell phone! One time he was coming to meet us for dinner at a restaurant and he got lost. He told us he was driving around looking for a PAY PHONE. :rofl: :rofl:

Come on..a pay phone? We asked him if he knew it wasn't 1990 yet. We gave him a VERY hard time over that. Why not get a cell phone? They are cheap enough now. 

I don't even own a landline. I have a cell phone and I don't even use all my minutes so why pay for another line? I got a smart phone for my daughter but I don't have a smart phone because if I had access to the net I'd never get any work done, plus they are rather fragile and I am hard on phones so I have a mil spec phone that can be submerged in water and dropped and frozen and has a flashlight. I love the damn thing because it's like a brick.


----------



## Lon

Freak On a Leash said:


> I don't even own a landline. I have a cell phone and I don't even use all my minutes so why pay for another line? I got a smart phone for my daughter but *I don't have a smart phone* because if I had access to the net I'd never get any work done, plus they are rather fragile and I am hard on phones so I have a mil spec phone that can be submerged in water and dropped and frozen and has a flashlight. I love the damn thing because it's like a brick.


uh, what year are you living in? plain old voice-only phones are so 2007. Get with the times!


----------



## Chuck71

i do not own a cell. please call me crazy! but before you do, i suggest a short read, abolition of man by cs lewis. just my belief. now if i drove miles and miles tork, i can see a difference, pre paid etc


----------



## Chuck71

to work* keyboard freeze


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

Chuck71 said:


> to work* keyboard freeze


lol at least you have a keyboard.

Disclaimer: I know where the pay phones are in my area. The reason is we have them because the cell coverage is spotty in certain areas. So most people have a calling card in their car. Just in case. But it's true in areas you don't know you have to drive around to look for them. And forget about GPS. Around here you better have a map. GPS has not a clue. It behaves as though it were Hal. :-o


----------



## Freak On a Leash

Lon said:


> uh, what year are you living in? plain old voice-only phones are so 2007. Get with the times!


Hey! It has a flash light built in and you can submerge it completely in water for 30 minutes! Try and do THAT with your smart phone! 

I work in and around water in my work, I am into kayaking, hiking, camping and skiing. I drop my phone all the time. I'm HARD on phones. A touch screen smart phone would last about an hour in my possession. 

I love my phone! It doesn't even get SCRATCHED because it has the hard plastic and rubber body. I could drive my Jeep over it! This IS the phone for me! I could've gotten a smart phone. I have the plan for it for my daughter. She has fancy schmancy one with all these aps so she can see what her college bus schedule is and what the cafeteria is serving for lunch. Yep, I need that. :rofl:


----------



## Freak On a Leash

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> I know where the pay phones are in my area. The reason is we have them because the cell coverage is spotty in certain areas. So most people have a calling card in their car. Just in case.


I can see that in certain areas. Here in the metro NJ area it's usually not a problem, except where my husband lives. The people in the snooty town he lives in refuse to put a cell tower up because it's "ugly" so cell service is really spotty and as a result he has a landline, which he rarely answers. 

Can't imagine not having a cell phone. I work out of my truck so it's a necessity but I just love having the the thing. My daughter and I text each other regularly.


----------



## MSC71

Chuck71 said:


> i don't even have a cell so that is over my head lol


WWW.pof.com
WWW.*******.com


----------



## EnjoliWoman

MSC71 said:


> POF.com ™ The Leading Free Online Dating Site for Singles & Personals
> ******* | Free Online Dating


Those are the worst in my experience. POF is full of cheap bastards looking for a quick lay.

I still prefer match after all of these years. I've met a lot of great people - one who is a very good guy friend to this day. Recent fellow, too - even though not a success, had he been a little further down the divorce path it could have been.

I skip the guys like you MSC71 - no offense meant - but if I see a guy who prefers athletic and toned or thin, I don't bother which is probably as you would prefer. I only contact those who have no preference or are good w a few extra pounds and up.I don't have to shop at big ladies' stores but on the cusp. And I make sure my photos are current and there are a few full body shots.

eHarmony sux because you can't weed out based on physical preferences, so while deeper connections are important, to jump through a lot of hoops before you even see if someone has a face you're willing to wake up looking at, it's a waste of money.


----------



## MSC71

EnjoliWoman said:


> Those are the worst in my experience. POF is full of cheap bastards looking for a quick lay.
> 
> I still prefer match after all of these years. I've met a lot of great people - one who is a very good guy friend to this day. Recent fellow, too - even though not a success, had he been a little further down the divorce path it could have been.
> 
> I skip the guys like you MSC71 - no offense meant - but if I see a guy who prefers athletic and toned or thin, I don't bother which is probably as you would prefer. I only contact those who have no preference or are good w a few extra pounds and up.I don't have to shop at big ladies' stores but on the cusp. And I make sure my photos are current and there are a few full body shots.
> 
> eHarmony sux because you can't weed out based on physical preferences, so while deeper connections are important, to jump through a lot of hoops before you even see if someone has a face you're willing to wake up looking at, it's a waste of money.


Those sites can be brutal for a female. I have a female friend and she tells me about all the rude messages she gets on POF..... I'm athletic / thin so I prefer that , or average body types. Just what I'm attracted to. But other than that I'm not picky at all. The opposite actually.


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

I heard the funniest thing last night. (I was out with part of the team of my new project...) this guy wrote a chatbot and hooked it into a bunch of dating sites and woman's profiles based on criteria, and then had it chat with them...he then analyzed the chats to find the women he was interested in. He met his wife this way and they get along great. (The secret lives of computational linguists...lol.) But I remarked, I bet she doesn't IM him much :-o


----------



## PeasNCarrots

OMG! I wish I had found this thread weeks ago! POF and *******.... Not working so well for me... But I have to admit... my POF profile is kind of seriously straight out there. I dont have a pic on the profile and I come straight out and explain why.... Im not looking for a hook up and im tired of those kind of guys messaging me.... 
I am what I am and I put it out there.... it goes something like this: " Im 5'6" and 170 pounds, im not a crack faced wh0re and thats all u need to know... have a conversation with me and maybe ill send a pic.... lol 

I figure if i put it out there a guy knows exactly what hes getting! Now.... do I look 44? No Do I act 44? Most of the time no. Do I look like 170 pounds? No Ive got b00bs and junk in the trunk and 36 inch legs to hold it all up so.....

In real life I am EXACTLY the way I come across online... if I cant b honest online then I cant expect to meet someone I really want to be with online....

BTW.... the profile pics of guys with no shirts on.... I skip right over them. I clearly state in my profiles that I like a guy thats well over 6 foot but its not a requirement.... thats mainly because my dads side of the family r all tall.... even my aunt was 6'.....

Thinking maybe we should just have a "dating profile" thread around here.... maybe the quality of men/women would b a little better lol


----------



## Chuck71

I agree. BTW 6 ft here but miles away lol aint that the case


----------



## PeasNCarrots

lol idk where u r to know the miles Chuck... want to relocate? lmao


----------



## Chuck71

lol SE TN where we say yawl up yonder and weunz


----------



## PeasNCarrots

lmao... we say ya'll here too.... i just happen to b a "damn yankee" so i "ride in a cahh" and put my clothes in a "dressa draw" lmao! but im fixin to go get some BBQ.... people look at me like im insane sometimes.... a true blend of north and south....


----------



## Chuck71

ey yo dem yaykays won anudduah wohld sisis whaddabowt it
orrrr was it the bawstun redsawx in 04


----------



## MSC71

Met a keeper. We clicked right away. Have seen each other every day for the last week. Very surreal.


----------



## sharkeey

MSC71 said:


> Met a keeper. We clicked right away. Have seen each other every day for the last week. Very surreal.


You don't know a person is a keeper after a week.

You can't be reasonably sure until 6 months minimum.

Your emotions are affecting your judgement, and that's not uncommon early on but don't move in together or do a Vegas wedding anytime soon.

It won't end well.


----------



## Chuck71

First D here but yeah, wait, give it time. Rushing in causes issues later. Most marriages that last, sex was not a topic until a couple months later.


----------



## NoWhere

PeasNCarrots said:


> OMG! I wish I had found this thread weeks ago! POF and *******.... Not working so well for me... But I have to admit... my POF profile is kind of seriously straight out there. I dont have a pic on the profile and I come straight out and explain why.... Im not looking for a hook up and im tired of those kind of guys messaging me....
> I am what I am and I put it out there.... it goes something like this: " Im 5'6" and 170 pounds, im not a crack faced wh0re and thats all u need to know... have a conversation with me and maybe ill send a pic.... lol
> 
> I figure if i put it out there a guy knows exactly what hes getting! Now.... do I look 44? No Do I act 44? Most of the time no. Do I look like 170 pounds? No Ive got b00bs and junk in the trunk and 36 inch legs to hold it all up so.....
> 
> In real life I am EXACTLY the way I come across online... if I cant b honest online then I cant expect to meet someone I really want to be with online....
> 
> BTW.... the profile pics of guys with no shirts on.... I skip right over them. I clearly state in my profiles that I like a guy thats well over 6 foot but its not a requirement.... thats mainly because my dads side of the family r all tall.... even my aunt was 6'.....
> 
> Thinking maybe we should just have a "dating profile" thread around here.... maybe the quality of men/women would b a little better lol


It would be nice to have a dating profile on this site where not only some people could meet, but can help tweak each others profiles. 

All these posts give me hope though. I'm not yet ready myself and find it difficult to 'put myself out there' right now, but considering I know no one here it is hard to meet anyone through acquaintances that don't exist.


----------



## Pbartender

Okay, so I'm curious, ladies...

On the online dating sites, how often do *YOU* initiate contact with a guy that interests you, rather than vice versa? Have you ever?



Pb.


----------



## Freak On a Leash

Def getting a divorce and am interested in dating at some point but still can't see going the online route. 

I like to test drive a car before I make a commitment. I've never been into blind dates.


----------



## sharkeey

Freak On a Leash said:


> I like to test drive a car before I make a commitment. I've never been into blind dates.


Thats why you dont agree to a first date with someone you are chatting with online. The first time you meet them, you plan a brief get together, nothing more.


----------



## Holland

Pbartender said:


> Okay, so I'm curious, ladies...
> 
> On the online dating sites, how often do *YOU* initiate contact with a guy that interests you, rather than vice versa? Have you ever?
> 
> 
> 
> Pb.


I never initiated contact when online dating. There are supposedly fewer women online so the odds are in our favour. I was getting heaps of requests daily and had no need to make the initial contact.


----------



## MSC71

sharkeey said:


> You don't know a person is a keeper after a week.
> 
> You can't be reasonably sure until 6 months minimum.
> 
> Your emotions are affecting your judgement, and that's not uncommon early on but don't move in together or do a Vegas wedding anytime soon.
> 
> It won't end well.


Settle down lol. I met someone I'm going to keep around. Not getting married


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

Holland said:


> I never initiated contact when online dating. There are supposedly fewer women online so the odds are in our favour. I was getting heaps of requests daily and had no need to make the initial contact.


I made it a point to try to go after what appealed to me.
I once 'gave in to' (i.e. went out with) someone who tried to convince me that I had put up too many hurdles...after I had met him and transcended those hurdles he then thought we weren't compatible...which is...right where I started with him, lol. I did take him to an amusement park and we had a great time, and that was the last date (as pre-arranged.) We went on an upside down roller coaster and a whole bunch of other gut-wrenching rides. I had a nice time, it felt like summer and being ten.

One guy I'm seeing now I can't remember who it was who initiated contact. My Match account has been suspended for about a month...I go on there and look and there are infrequently new faces in my area. I have a viewpoint about using online dating which is that it's restricted to the population of single men who use online dating. This may or may not be a fair sample of what's really out there in the general population/community. 

I'm slowly getting an idea of my true worth and value in the dating world. Instead of lowering the bar, my dating experiences have me raising the bar, as the selection pool becomes smaller for me.  But really, historically, isn't this the way a person traditionally chooses a partner? 

I've had to challenge a lot of my assumptions. Dating has really convinced me that my priorities are closely aligned with my value system, and that my actions in any given relationship are guided by those values, i.e. much less compromise where it counts the most for me. 

One thing I was challenged about was finances. I was a bit put off by a guy because he talked a lot about his financial security. In retrospect I'm realizing that he was most likely not using it as an alluring asset but rather as an indicator of being in a good place wrt dating. He has not thrown around his $ in my face and has the time to bring over a small Christmas tree for my apartment, which is very sweet. He has $, but more than that, he has time, and the inclination, to do this, and it's exactly the kind of tree I like...one that is a gift from the heart. It's not at all contrived, and I'll enjoy having it to look at. Otherwise I wouldn't be doing any Christmas thing like that.

I'm thinking I will go back on eHarmony to try to round out my options and make sure I'm giving everything due diligence. I don't see it as being deceitful but rather discreet in that nobody will be able to see me on there except my matches...plus I don't mind being honest about that...the guy who is bringing the tree knows about my recent dating life...not a problem...

Still, online dating is very dicey, but then again, I think all dating is.


----------



## Pbartender

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> Still, online dating is very dicey, but then again, I think all dating is.


I'll be completely honest, here... Of all the concerns I have about my imminent divorce and my life afterward, dating is perhaps the most terrifying prospect for me.

I was a bit of a late-bloomer when I was young, and a bit of a geek (still am a bit of a geek ). I didn't really start dating until I was in college. Even then, I only ever had one serious girlfriend before I met my wife, and we've been married for more than 14 years.

Needless to say, I'm more than a little bit nervous about the idea.



Pb.


----------



## EnjoliWoman

It took a good 6 months to cycle through most of the repeats in my area. Seems like 3 months on and 3 months off is good for match. You get the ones whose membership is about to expire plus the new ones who sign up and in between. Once you've gone through those, then there seem to be a lot of repeats/stagnancy for a few months. 

I've only been stood up once - he cancelled after i was already there... I wonder if he got there early and saw me go in and changed his mind. If that's the case he's a loser and I was better off having that one drink by myself and leaving the restaurant.


----------



## Lon

Pb, you are not alone in your fear of getting out there. One hint, don't expect the women to be initiating contact... if they do, unless you really just match up well on paper, realize that they are also initiating contact with every other guy probably because they are not getting flooded with endless messages from guys, as most of the photogenic ones do. As much as I respect a woman for initiating contact on online dating sites, the ones that initiated with me reeked of desparation. You will have to be the one to initiate, which is good, but the ones you want to meet rarely reply, if they do reply, your response must be perfect because you will get no second chances. Try not to take it personally, I gave up because it was just a waste of time and hopes, but I haven't tried the pay sites which I hear have less gaming going on.


----------



## EnjoliWoman

Lon said:


> Pb, you are not alone in your fear of getting out there. One hint, don't expect the women to be initiating contact... if they do, unless you really just match up well on paper, realize that they are also initiating contact with every other guy probably because they are not getting flooded with endless messages from guys, as most of the photogenic ones do. As much as I respect a woman for initiating contact on online dating sites, the ones that initiated with me reeked of desparation. You will have to be the one to initiate, which is good, but the ones you want to meet rarely reply, if they do reply, your response must be perfect because you will get no second chances. Try not to take it personally, I gave up because it was just a waste of time and hopes, but I haven't tried the pay sites which I hear have less gaming going on.


Wow. Good to know. I just thought I was being friendly.


----------



## Lon

EnjoliWoman said:


> Wow. Good to know. I just thought I was being friendly.


to be clear, it wasn't "because" they were contacting me that I sensed desparation, just the ones who had came across as willing to take whatever they could get in their profile. For me, I find that unappealing, yet on the same token makes them seem approachable... Ones that I sensed were just being friendly I was friendly back, but as soon as they got flirty, and most of them did, I lost interest. Maybe it was shallow of me, just seemed that they were indirect and trying to cover up that they had to try too hard to keep up the interest.


----------



## ScarletBegonias

So ladies you're damned if you do and damned if you don't.basically.


----------



## Lon

ScarletBegonias said:


> So ladies you're damned if you do and damned if you don't.basically.


No, I don't think so, you never know unless you try, perhaps their would be mutual attraction but a guy may otherwise not notice your profile. often profiles without pics get overlooked, or perhaps one little variable (eg occasionally drinks) filters you out from a guys selection set. So if there is a profile you are interested in drop a line. Just don't come across as crazy


----------



## NoWhere

Is it common to try and meet people with the objective being possible friends and maybe date someday depending on how things go. Or do most people meet with the pure intention of dating.

In other words has anyone met someone they might not ever date romantically, but stayed in touch or even kept going out with them just for fun.


----------



## sharkeey

EnjoliWoman said:


> I've only been stood up once - he cancelled after i was already there... I wonder if he got there early and saw me go in and changed his mind. If that's the case he's a loser and I was better off having that one drink by myself and leaving the restaurant.


If that's the case, then he didn't like what he saw which means your profile doesn't accurately describe you. That does not make him a loser.


----------



## Lon

sharkeey said:


> If that's the case, then he didn't like what he saw which means your profile doesn't accurately describe you. That does not make him a loser.


No, I still think it would make him a loser, even if she misrepresented herself, he should atleast respect the time the both committed to meet up, greet her and either give her a chance or at the least say: "you don't appear anything like you represented yourself to me, so I wish not to waste either of our time". If he ducked out without facing someone he agreed to meet, that is cowardly.


----------



## Lon

NoWhere said:


> Is it common to try and meet people with the objective being possible friends and maybe date someday depending on how things go. Or do most people meet with the pure intention of dating.
> 
> In other words has anyone met someone they might not ever date romantically, but stayed in touch or even kept going out with them just for fun.


If so, I'd be clear about it early on, people can be looking for all sorts of different relationships, I think most dating sites even allow you to specify what kind of relationship you seek. I met one lady and we both agreed their probably wasn't much chemistry but we both sounded interested in meeting anyway so we did, for a hike, we didn't become friends or lovers, but was worth meeting for either.


----------



## sharkeey

Lon said:


> No, I still think it would make him a loser, even if she misrepresented herself, he should atleast respect the time the both committed to meet up, greet her


I disagree. I've had lots of first meetups and the woman was much heavier and older. They're deceptive, they wasted my time, including not only the time for the meetup but also the back and forth prior.. and they don't deserve ANY respect or consideration whatsoever. 

That much being said, I personally wouldn't just ditch them nor would I be rude, I sit there for 15 minutes and then end the meeting, however I get why some guys would just leave without saying a word.


----------



## Lon

Personally I don't see how the back and forth prior to meeting is a waste if time, that is precisely what dating is, investing time in women you have yet to learn about. (the term don't hate the player, hate the game comes to mind).

And knowing what I know of EW, I'm sure she couldn't have been that deceptive, either with what she said or which pics she may have shared, that it would be considered reasonable for someone to stand her up... OTOH, that is a presumption anyway, maybe he never intended on meeting in the first place and was just being a dipwad.


----------



## sharkeey

Lon said:


> Personally I don't see how the back and forth prior to meeting is a waste if time, that is precisely what dating is, investing time in women you have yet to learn about. (the term don't hate the player, hate the game comes to mind).


Take it from someone who has been on dozens of first dates from the online sites and has seen a whole lot of deception.

There are a lot of messed up people out there and many of them find their way to the dating sites and waste the time of honest guys like me who post accurate profiles only to be disappointed by fat old ugly women who are so desperate that they lie and waste my time and effort that could be better spent finding women that are more my type.

It is a matter of hate most of the players because they make the game more complicated then necessary.

It IS a matter of wasting time prior to the meetup if the other person is being very dishonest about themselves. 

No different than a bait and switch advertisement that lures you into the store with false promises.


----------



## Lon

sharkeey said:


> Take it from someone who has been on dozens of first dates from the online sites and has seen a whole lot of deception.
> 
> There are a lot of messed up people out there and many of them find their way to the dating sites and waste the time of honest guys like me who post accurate profiles only to be disappointed by fat old ugly women who are so desperate that they lie and waste my time and effort that could be better spent finding women that are more my type.
> 
> It is a matter of hate most of the players because they make the game more complicated then necessary.
> 
> It IS a matter of wasting time prior to the meetup if the other person is being very dishonest about themselves.
> 
> No different than a bait and switch advertisement that lures you into the store with false promises.


So then I guess you don't use free dating sites anymore?


----------



## sharkeey

Lon said:


> So then I guess you don't use free dating sites anymore?


I'm almost a year into a relationship with a woman I met on a free dating site, so no need to use any dating sites but when I've been single I mix it up with 4 of the main sites, 2 are free and 2 are paid. The free sites give more volume and more losers, the paid sites are more quality versus quantity, the end results of 5 years of post divorce dating have been fairly good with roughly equal success rates between the sites.

I realized that most first "dates" would never go anywhere so I no longer planned anything longer than a brief meetup for that first get together and never messaged back and forth with a woman more than 3 or 4 times and one or two phone calls for a week maximum before meeting, and I would chat and go out with multiple women until something clicked.


----------



## Deejo

Pbartender said:


> Okay, so I'm curious, ladies...
> 
> On the online dating sites, how often do *YOU* initiate contact with a guy that interests you, rather than vice versa? Have you ever?
> 
> 
> 
> Pb.


It's rare. As others have pointed out, dating sites are like ebay for people. Women are inundated with contacts, of which they will ignore roughly 99% of, justifiably so.

Not to say it doesn't happen. I am often contacted by women as well, of which I too reject 99% of.

I have had two dating relationships start up as a result of my being contacted by women I found attractive. Both were outside of my 'dating radius', so they didn't show up in my pool of matches.

I often tell people that are considering starting online dating; go for a pay site. Right off the bat you are eliminating a whole bunch of problems.

Get thick skin. See my note above. Just because you come across some woman whose photos and profile speaks to your soul, and you decide to send a dazzling 'hello' email ... and then feel crushed when she doesn't respond?

If you can't let that stuff roll off your back ... you definitely aren't prepared for dating.

Being prepared for dating means being prepared for rejection, and I don't attach any kind of negative, or cynical emotions to that fact. 

It simply is. And it's good for you ... so make it goal to get rejected. Builds character.

I want what I want. I presume that others feel the same as I do. So I don't begrudge anyone for trying to find the characteristics they desire in a partner. 

I have a post about online dating guidelines somewhere ...


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

Deejo said:


> Get thick skin. See my note above. Just because you come across some woman whose photos and profile speaks to your soul, and you decide to send a dazzling 'hello' email ... and then feel crushed when she doesn't respond?
> 
> If you can't let that stuff roll off your back ... you definitely aren't prepared for dating.
> 
> Being prepared for dating means being prepared for rejection, and I don't attach any kind of negative, or cynical emotions to that fact.
> 
> It simply is. And it's good for you ... so make it goal to get rejected. Builds character.
> 
> I want what I want. I presume that others feel the same as I do. So I don't begrudge anyone for trying to find the characteristics they desire in a partner.


Exactly. When you want what you want all of those characteristics that can be built through dating (online and otherwise) come in very handy. High stakes demand nerves of steel. There is no use going for broke and expending the energy if you don't really want something badly enough. Thick skin and all, and no begrudging.


----------



## MSC71

Pretty women will respond if you are original and dont give the usual 'you're so pretty' comments. I always comment on something in their profile I liked or omr of their pictures.


----------



## Freak On a Leash

This is all waaaay too tedious and too much work for my taste. :slap: I'm just not emotionally invested in finding someone else. If it happens, then fine. If not, that's ok too and I have no desire to get serious with anyone. I just want to go out and have fun. 

What this thread has done has convinced me that I won't do the online dating thing. I go to meetups and belong to clubs and if I meet someone who I hit it off with then I'll take it from there. I never, ever like someone right away. It takes me awhile to get used to someone and warm up to them in a way that I'd want to date them. 

Actually, I liked my H right away when I met him but I was 17 and young and stupid. Plus he was handsome and charming. Now he's anything but.


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

Freak On a Leash said:


> This is all waaaay too tedious and too much work for my taste. :slap: I'm just not emotionally invested in finding someone else. If it happens, then fine. If not, that's ok too and I have no desire to get serious with anyone. I just want to go out and have fun.


It's not too bad once you get the hang of it. It's not like shopping, where you have to commit at the register. It's more like trying on dresses...the more you try on the more in tune you get with what looks good on you and is comfortable and 'rocks'. After a while you can pretty much ignore all the noise on the sites, log in, look around, log off. If something grabs your attention, it grabs your attention, otherwise, it's like most of the garbage on the racks in stores - easy to pass over. Sorry guys but this is pretty much the way it is, refer to Deejo's post. 

I think I pretty much have the cream of the crop in my guy friends. How weird is that? I don't know what's wrong with me that I can't commit to someone I know and adore (but am not attracted to) but will happily throw caution to the wind and fall for a guy I should only be working for (and all of his strange issues as well...that's a second chapter in the works...of course there has to be one...nothing is that good and that 'free'. DUH.)


----------



## Holland

Just give it a go Freak On a Leash it really can be fun, just stay safe.

I really had a great time with it and what a great confidence booster. I had not dated for 20 years so it was scary at first.

Crazy in love with my online man and many of my family and friends have also meet great partners online.

I didn't find the paid sites any better than the free and in fact many of the members were the same on both.


----------



## Pbartender

Heh... I was just curious. Months ago, when we first separated there was some weirdness with my STBXW when she was encouraging me to go out and date other women and have sex with them. I was on that emotional roller coaster and wasn't exactly in my right mind at the time, and so took her at her word and made a profile on *******.

I made small talk with a few women, but nothing came of it. I quickly came to my senses and realized that for the sake of my own self-respect, I wasn't really interested in starting a romantic relationship with another women while my wife and I were still married, even if we were separated. So, I let the account go dormant.

I went to counseling for myself, and got my head together. I realized that what I really wanted was just some friends... Old friends, new friends, male, female, whatever. People who wanted to hang out and have some fun with me.

Anyway, all that to say... I had been trying to decide whether or not I should re-active the OKC account at some point. But, lately, I've been digging on Meetup.com. It's online, but you're going out and meeting people face to face in a social situation. Rather than trying to find a single person that you click with, you find a whole group of them. It's absolutely perfect for what I'm aiming for.



Pb.


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

I like my eHarmony account just to be able to look at profiles of people who share a lot of characteristics as me. Most of them are too far away to seriously date. I don't do long-distance, but I keep a few favorite nice faces and personalities around in my Matches folder for feel good viewing and to remind myself that there really are a lot of men out there who would make a suitable match, if only for dating.


----------



## sharkeey

Pbartender said:


> I quickly came to my senses and realized that for the sake of my own self-respect, I wasn't really interested in starting a romantic relationship with another women while my wife and I were still married, even if we were separated.


I take issue with your post, specifically the part quoted above.

Sure it's only your opinion but it's rather ignorant and presumptive.

You're basically suggesting that people who date and start relatonships with other people while married but still separated lack common sense and don't have self respect.

My marriage was over and done, we were living separate and apart, and my exwife was so greedy and unreasonable and the court system was so overloaded and slow that it took about 3 years to finally get the divorce papers from the courts.

No way I was going to put my life on hold for 3 years due to factors beyond my control.

From a "morality" point of view, if you know the marriage is invariably broken, and you know that the vows you took some years ago were meaningless BS, then the entire contract is essentially null and void and to maintain some sort of "air of righteousness" by sitting there and doing nothing with your social life because of some broken promise that would somehow make moving on with your life "senseless and lacking self respect", is rather shortsighted and narrowminded. 

My opinion of course.


----------



## zillard

I don't think pb was trying to imply anything about others. Morals are subjective.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

sharkeey said:


> I take issue with your post, specifically the part quoted above.
> 
> Sure it's only your opinion but it's rather ignorant and presumptive.
> 
> You're basically suggesting that people who date and start relatonships with other people while married but still separated lack common sense and don't have self respect.
> 
> My marriage was over and done, we were living separate and apart, and my exwife was so greedy and unreasonable and the court system was so overloaded and slow that it took about 3 years to finally get the divorce papers from the courts.
> 
> No way I was going to put my life on hold for 3 years due to factors beyond my control.
> 
> From a "morality" point of view, if you know the marriage is invariably broken, and you know that the vows you took some years ago were meaningless BS, then the entire contract is essentially null and void and to maintain some sort of "air of righteousness" by sitting there and doing nothing with your social life because of some broken promise that would somehow make moving on with your life "senseless and lacking self respect", is rather shortsighted and narrowminded.
> 
> My opinion of course.


The post in question used first person singular. 
I think you're doing a bit of a kneejerk.
Maybe you have been directly criticized in the past for your choices, and wrongly so, but nobody was saying that it was bad to do what was described. The poster was putting their own feelings and experience out there for the dicusssion's sake.


----------



## Pbartender

sharkeey said:


> I take issue with your post, specifically the part quoted above.
> 
> Sure it's only your opinion but it's rather ignorant and presumptive.
> 
> You're basically suggesting that people who date and start relatonships with other people while married but still separated lack common sense and don't have self respect.
> 
> My marriage was over and done, we were living separate and apart, and my exwife was so greedy and unreasonable and the court system was so overloaded and slow that it took about 3 years to finally get the divorce papers from the courts.
> 
> No way I was going to put my life on hold for 3 years due to factors beyond my control.
> 
> From a "morality" point of view, if you know the marriage is invariably broken, and you know that the vows you took some years ago were meaningless BS, then the entire contract is essentially null and void and to maintain some sort of "air of righteousness" by sitting there and doing nothing with your social life because of some broken promise that would somehow make moving on with your life "senseless and lacking self respect", is rather shortsighted and narrowminded.
> 
> My opinion of course.


Oh, that's not what I was implying at all, Sharkeey... This was all about a choice that I, myself, was making for myself and no one else.

If I had gone into a _romantic_ relationship with another woman then, it would have been for all the wrong reasons, and the sort of woman I would have ended up dating wouldn't have been the sort of woman I'd really want to end up dating. I wasn't ready for it. I was puking my guts out riding that emotional roller-coaster. I had very little self-respect, very little confidence, and I was quite literally out of my mind at the time. I would have lost what little self-respect I did have. It would have been a huge mistake.

So, when I say "for the sake of my own self-respect", I mean that I realized that I had almost none left, that I had to conserve what I did have and that before I could enter into any sort of romantic relationship, I had to first regain my own self-confidence and self-respect.

That doesn't mean I don't have a social life. It just means I'm rebuilding it from the ground up... I'm getting back into old hobbies and starting new ones. I'm reconnecting with old friends and meeting new ones. I'm spending more time, and better time, with my kids. I'm visiting family. I'm getting back into shape, and dressing better. So on and so forth.

"While my wife and I were still married, even if we were separated" was an arbitrary boundary I set for myself when I realized all that. My wife and I are "separated", but we're still living in the same house with our two teenage kids. Aside from trying rebuild my confidence before I start dating, I just don't personally feel comfortable dating under those circumstances. I'm not likely to seriously start looking for dates until my STBXW moves out (and even then, I'll be likely to stick to the weeks my kids would be staying with STBXW), and she's not likely to move out any time soon, unless I force her to after the divorce is final.

Everyone has to set their own limits and boundaries, not only with regards to what they'll endure in their relationships, but also with regards to personally what choices they will make and what actions they will take. This was just one line I was drawing for myself that I didn't want to cross.

So, I hope you'll accept my sincere apologies for any offense my post caused. It certainly wasn't meant as a judgement on anyone else's morals, choices or actions, but merely an expression of my own struggle with the emotional dilemmas that separation and divorce cause... 

That, and a simple explanation for why I'm currently using sites like Meetup.com to meet people rather than the usual online dating sites.



Pb.


----------



## Freak On a Leash

Pbartender said:


> But, lately, I've been digging on Meetup.com. It's online, but you're going out and meeting people face to face in a social situation. Rather than trying to find a single person that you click with, you find a whole group of them. It's absolutely perfect for what I'm aiming for.
> Pb.


I've been involved in Meetup.com since before I separated from my H. My friends are kayakers and we have a number of clubs on Meetup. I've met some great friends there and have gone to some really awesome events. I've done hiking with Meetup too. 

After I separated I joined what I call the "Socially Active" meetups. Going out to bars, eating out, seeing bands was a big part of what my H and I used to do together and I missed that so I've been partaking in those for a few years now. 

However I wasn't sure about where my marriage was going and didn't want to engage in dating while still married "emotionally". If the marriage is pretty much dead and you are involved in the divorce proceedings I see no reason why you shouldn't date, provided you are emotionally ready for it. 

Many divorce but aren't emotionally separated and it takes time to acclimate so dating might not be the best thing but if you are emotionally separated from your spouse and are ready to move on and the divorce is just a formality then why not?

That said, I've signed up for "Divorce Support" Meetup groups in the hopes of meeting others who are in a similar situation as me. I'm not ready to take the plunge and do the single/dating scene but maybe someday I will and I'll go with Meetup because I like the fact that you go to gatherings, meet people in a social situation and there's no real pressure or deception involved. 

You get to know people one on one, have fun doing it, there's no commitment either. It's totally voluntary and you can take what you want out of it. That's totally "me". I'm into stress free, no commitment type situations now. Maybe that will change but for now Meetup works for me and I highly recommend it as an alternative to the online dating scene. 

It's a step from prowling around bars, that's for sure.


----------



## Pbartender

Freak On a Leash said:


> I'm not ready to take the plunge and do the single/dating scene but maybe someday I will and I'll go with Meetup because I like the fact that you go to gatherings, meet people in a social situation and there's no real pressure or deception involved.
> 
> You get to know people one on one, have fun doing it, there's no commitment either. It's totally voluntary and you can take what you want out of it. That's totally "me". I'm into stress free, no commitment type situations now. Maybe that will change but for now Meetup works for me and I highly recommend it as an alternative to the online dating scene.
> 
> It's a step from prowling around bars, that's for sure.


Yep... That's exactly what I like about it. You just go do stuff and meet people who like to do the same stuff. It feels more "natural" than going out for sole purpose of finding a boy/girlfriend.



Freak On a Leash said:


> If the marriage is pretty much dead and you are involved in the divorce proceedings I see no reason why you shouldn't date, provided you are emotionally ready for it.
> 
> Many divorce but aren't emotionally separated and it takes time to acclimate so dating might not be the best thing but if you are emotionally separated from your spouse and are ready to move on and the divorce is just a formality then why not?


Heh... Yeah... The funny thing is, I'm not sure if I'm mentally ready to date yet (I'm stil psyching myself out about it), but yesterday I realized I may be emotionally more ready to date than I thought.

I stopped by my bank so that I could open up a new checking accounting my name only, and to ask about refinancing the house in my name only. Well, while I was filling out the paperwork, the banker who was helping me was being rather friendly and we were making small-talk. I made a passing reference to Star Trek or something like that, and it turns out she was also something of a sci-fi geek. Even after I'd finished all the paperwork and the bank was closing and I should have been leaving, she kept chatting... By the end of the conversation, she was saying things like, "That sounds like so much fun... I should hang out with you," and "The next time you go do something like that, I'd love to come along."

I gotta say, it felt good.

Of course, stupid me, I forgot to get her phone number before I left... :slap: :rofl: But then again, I do know where she works, and I will have to go back eventually to talk to the mortgage specialist. 



Pb.


----------



## EnjoliWoman

So do a little research before you go back, look up the newest sci fi movie and times, stop by her desk and tell her you'd love to see it but hate going to movies alone, would she be interested in seeing it.

If you have a good time, suggest getting coffee/desert after and you can talk about the movie and naturally let conversation progress. If it goes well, before you leave get her number and let her know you'd like to see her again. 

Go for it!


----------



## Pbartender

EnjoliWoman said:


> So do a little research before you go back, look up the newest sci fi movie and times, stop by her desk and tell her you'd love to see it but hate going to movies alone, would she be interested in seeing it.


Hah! "Research", she says! :lol:

There's an old restored turn of the century theater nearby, that runs classic movies on Monday nights. In a few weeks they're showing _Night of the Living Dead_ (1968)... A movie that had coincidentally come up in our conversation yesterday.

:smthumbup:



Pb.


----------



## Freak On a Leash

Pbartender said:


> I made a passing reference to Star Trek or something like that, and it turns out she was also something of a sci-fi geek. Even after I'd finished all the paperwork and the bank was closing and I should have been leaving, she kept chatting... By the end of the conversation, she was saying things like, "That sounds like so much fun... I should hang out with you," and "The next time you go do something like that, I'd love to come along."
> 
> I gotta say, it felt good.
> 
> Of course, stupid me, I forgot to get her phone number before I left... :slap: :rofl: But then again, I do know where she works, and I will have to go back eventually to talk to the mortgage specialist.
> 
> Pb.


Oh she was coming on to you BIG TIME! :smthumbup:

So you like Trek, eh? I've always been a big time Trekker. I used to own all the VHS tapes of TNG and I love that Netflix has all the Star Trek episodes. 

If you tell you me you play World of Warcraft I'm coming to your house and kidnapping you. 

Live Long and Prosper Dude..and remember..

"Resistance is Futile".


----------



## working_together

sharkeey said:


> Take it from someone who has been on dozens of first dates from the online sites and has seen a whole lot of deception.
> 
> There are a lot of messed up people out there and many of them find their way to the dating sites and waste the time of honest guys like me who post accurate profiles only to be disappointed by fat old ugly women who are so desperate that they lie and waste my time and effort that could be better spent finding women that are more my type.
> 
> It is a matter of hate most of the players because they make the game more complicated then necessary.
> 
> It IS a matter of wasting time prior to the meetup if the other person is being very dishonest about themselves.
> 
> No different than a bait and switch advertisement that lures you into the store with false promises.


I agree with most of what you say. However, I would say the same about men on dating sites. Of course it is not all men or women who do this, but a huge percentage of people do. I have gone on about 10 or so first and only one date. The men were deceptive about their weight and height. I am not all that superficial, but I do like a certain look that is attractive to me, and I don't like the fact that these people lie about stuff like that. It wasted my time, and it became discouraging. I did meet a couple of decent guys, but we just didn't click. I met someone early on after my separation, we clicked, were attracted to each other, but it went no where. The a couple of months ago I met someone who looked exactly like their profile pic, it was recent. We clicked, and shared many things in common, not sure yet if it will progress into a serious relationship, just enjoying the time we spend together. 

My point is that there are some decent people out there, and I guess everyone just has to take chances and go on the crappy dates and eventually a good one will come along.


----------



## EnjoliWoman

This is merely an observation - I HATE it when guys don't smile in their pics. I don't know if they think they look cool or tough... it may be shallow but nice teeth is important to me so I skip them if there isn't ONE picture of them smiling. 

I had a combination of good genes and braces and see my dentist every 6 months. They don't need to be perfect but a good smile is an important part of attraction to me. 

Plus I'm an eternal optimist and someone never smiling in their photos is a red flag from a temperament standpoint. I need someone who can smile and LAUGH!


----------



## GiventoFly

Had to jump in on this one, have been online dating now for about 2 years and recently decided to stop the madness! I deleted profiles. 
Regarding the "average" comment, being a "thicker" woman-I hate some of the categories they make you choose, I don't identify with "bbw" and happen to think "a few extra pounds" sounds about as flattering as "missing some teeth". I am not in denial about my size but its the wording that trips me up. 

If they don't have full body pictures on their profile-thats a red flag.

I hate pictures but made sure all mine were recent (within 6 months). I am an attractive, confident woman and am up front with everything-I don't like my time wasted and don't want to waste others. Everyone has different physical tastes.

But somehow online dating allows us to be "whoever" we want.
And penis pictures just seem to be part of the experience-LOL! Ughh


----------



## EnjoliWoman

GiventoFly said:


> Had to jump in on this one, have been online dating now for about 2 years and recently decided to stop the madness! I deleted profiles.
> Regarding the "average" comment, being a "thicker" woman-I hate some of the categories they make you choose, I don't identify with "bbw" and happen to think "a few extra pounds" sounds about as flattering as "missing some teeth". I am not in denial about my size but its the wording that trips me up.
> 
> If they don't have full body pictures on their profile-thats a red flag.
> 
> I hate pictures but made sure all mine were recent (within 6 months). I am an attractive, confident woman and am up front with everything-I don't like my time wasted and don't want to waste others. Everyone has different physical tastes.
> 
> But somehow online dating allows us to be "whoever" we want.
> And penis pictures just seem to be part of the experience-LOL! Ughh


Haha - sounds like me! I'm not BBW but instead choose the 'few extra pounds' - I compare my stature with that of Adele because she is the most easily recognizable person close to my size. I make sure there are full body shots so as to not lead anyone one. I don't care if they are, too - I just don't want a couch potato who only wants to watch NASCAR. 

I feel slighted on the penis pictures. Harumph. I have gotten a few emails asking if I'd like to see more photos and I know what they were insinuating.


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## GiventoFly

EnjoliWoman you are not missing anything! Adele?! That's a good idea, it drives me nuts when people say shes fat..but then again perception. 
I like what you said in another post about avoiding when men say "thin or athletic" I tend to know I would not be there cup of tea.


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## Freak On a Leash

What is BBW? :scratchhead:

Men sending pics of their penis is just SICK and I wouldn't hesitate to tell someone who did that to me. What kind of world are we living in? Holy crap! :slap:


----------



## zillard

Freak On a Leash said:


> Men sending pics of their penis is just SICK and I wouldn't hesitate to tell someone who did that to me. What kind of world are we living in? Holy crap! :slap:


... one with digital cameras and the internet.


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

OMG. I just unhid/updated my Match profile and did a reverse search and was :-o at the type of men who were looking for someone like me. No F*ing way. 

I sent out one email to someone I thought would like to meet and talk to and share a little space with. Seems cute, intelligent, morally stable. I hope something will come of it. I feel kind of stifled lately. 

I developed an aversion to my client I had dated, when he admitted he was uncommitted, then became angry because I didn't want to date someone who was playing the field (apparently not concerned with having sex and keeping it to one woman, despite what he led me to believe...) Needless to say, I'm still working on one of his projects but for the guy who introduced us, and withdrew my offer to work for him directly (not interested in lining his pockets or spending much time in his company...) In retrospect, it's a good thing I did date him, because working for him with his emotional/mental state would have been a very bad idea. I have a feeling there will be a 'crash and burn' episode soon (there was one for him in 2009, both business and personal) and I also got the impression he was living with someone but sleeping in his office as he got marching orders, lol.

The guy who introduced us said nothing, has just continued as normal with his professional/friend relationship with me, totally respects my decision (and perhaps is not surprised.) I explained how the potential client turned vicious on me, arrogantly insisting that he knew better what was good for me, etc. Sure... like I have three kids and a place to call my own...and you have no kids and sleep in a sleeping bag in your office and maintain 3 different lives in three different places because you can't do one place right. Sigh. Can we say energy-sucking?


----------



## EnjoliWoman

Freak On a Leash said:


> What is BBW? :scratchhead:
> 
> Men sending pics of their penis is just SICK and I wouldn't hesitate to tell someone who did that to me. What kind of world are we living in? Holy crap! :slap:


Big Beautiful Woman... means very large/obese in my book, not just chunky like I am. 

I feel like "a few extra pounds" is misleading - I have more than a few. But to me, BBW implies very large and sedentary. I am definitely NOT sedentary. (Well, maybe the last few days, LOL)

I don't mind a penis pic from someone I was intimate with, but from a stranger it tells me they are merely looking for sex.


----------



## Bafuna

I think the decision to or not to go for online dating comes from where you are and what possibilities there are. If there are meetup groups well and fine, meetup and we all know you are hoping to meet someone. If you dont have those options and have a computer and internet access why not meet someone online, you still have to then meet up with them and see if you like them. To me its the same really but perceptions differ. At the end of the day whether its online, meetup or church we still hope to meet someone we like and when we do does it really matter how it happened?


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## RandomDude

I browsed through match.com when my wife moved out just to see what was out there, it just made me miss my wife even more. Probably why I decided to give us our last try. So far things are good, we had a good new years too.

I just fear that the fact that she has zero competition may jeopardise my ability to remain strong enough to stay committed to our "fix marriage while seperated" plan... deep down inside I want her back.


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## zillard

No woman has zero competition. Sounds like you have her on a pedestal.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RandomDude

Well if you base things on just physical attraction, then sure she has tons of competition. But that's not what I want or need.


----------



## Bafuna

My problem is I look at all those men with their profiles on the dating site and I see my husband all over again. Where I come from women dont easily give up on their marriages, so I ask myself ''What the hell did he do to be divorced''. 

Maybe Im not ready, but I cant wait to find someone.


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## aston

I've been in the middle of this earlier in my career when I worked for love dot com before they became match. The story is always the same.
Men: You'll get alot of cheaters and folks looking for an escape from regular life. However, thats really where you'll find most issues. Aside from that most male online daters are fairly straightforward. If there were no male cheaters I think online issues when it comes to the male species would be fairly minimal. Yes you will still get the ones who don't look like what they claim to be but the harsh reality is that pressure on men is not as bad as those on women. Hell all you need is a fat bank account to look good...regardless of how you put it. I recall we'd find the ones that got the most emails from women tend to be ones that filled out their income levels...the higher the more emails. 

Women: Runs the gamut but most likely to lie when it comes to looks and age. Despite that women still get the most emails. I recall we had a date feedback feature that few people used but from the few results at the time what you mentioned is still very much true. That photo of you on a Harley in 1992 won't work in 2002, and the photo of you at the Sands resort in 2002 won't work in 2012. Also given the pressure on women are higher there's a propensity to put that best foot forward (just like the men). Needless to say.....online dating can be tricky. I've been fairly successful at it simply because sometimes it's the subtleties that tell you more than just the pictures.

Some points;

1. If the pictures are just up close face pictures thats a sign she clearly doesn't want you to see the rest.

2. If there are always other people in the pictures then thats one insecure chick/guy

3. IF the profile has many pics but a 5 line description then thats one arrogant person not looking to put in the effort and probably just relying on looks.

4. IF the profile only talks about what she's looking for and nothing about herself......selfish gold digger alert

5. If she only talks about herself and not what she's looking for.....thats a 50/50 bet

6. If the pictures show too much skin and no content.....she might just be in to boost her ego

7. If she's a skinny blonde laying in a garden or in a bed and the profile talks about looking to get married...she might be Russian or Polish or an Eastern European bride....RUN

8. Online dating is fun, common sense will save you alot of time and money

9. If you do communicate and there's any mention of pictures being from "a while ago"...or any allusion to "not having many newer pictures on this computer"......yea....you might be in for an unpleasant surprise

10. always trust your gut feeling, ignore what your crotch is telling you.


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## aston

Bafuna said:


> My problem is I look at all those men with their profiles on the dating site and I see my husband all over again. Where I come from women dont easily give up on their marriages, so I ask myself ''What the hell did he do to be divorced''.
> 
> Maybe Im not ready, but I can wait to find someone.


I think the pressure to save a marriage goes both ways. What he or she did to be divorced is a good question. I ask that too whenever I see/saw some female profiles. Biggest issue used to be even if you met the person they would only tell you their side.
My best was when a date told me about how she cheated on her husband because she didn't really love him the way she thought she did before they got married. Strangely I understood where she was coming from despite the fact that a cheater is a cheater. We're still friends till this day.


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## sharkeey

11. Expect most people to be deceptive, realize that most first meetups never go anywhere, so go in with low expectations but a positive attitude and that way you won't be disappointed.

12. Be honest with your own profile and description, otherwise you're wasting your time and theirs.

13. don't spend a lot of time with back and forth messages. Take it right to the phone and schedule a meetup. Keep the first meetup short. You can always extend or schedule a real date if there's a click.


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## zillard

Bafuna said:


> My problem is I look at all those men with their profiles on the dating site and I see my husband all over again. Where I come from women dont easily give up on their marriages, so I ask myself ''What the hell did he do to be divorced''.
> 
> Maybe Im not ready, but I can wait to find someone.


Read around this site a bit and you'll see there are PLENTY of men who have worked very hard to save their marriages, only to be left by women who have given up and/or cheated.


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## aston

sharkeey said:


> 11. Expect most people to be deceptive, realize that most first meetups never go anywhere, so go in with low expectations but a positive attitude and that way you won't be disappointed.
> 
> 12. Be honest with your own profile and description, otherwise you're wasting your time and theirs.
> 
> 13. don't spend a lot of time with back and forth messages. Take it right to the phone and schedule a meetup. Keep the first meetup short. You can always extend or schedule a real date if there's a click.


AMEN!:smthumbup:


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## aston

zillard said:


> Read around this site a bit and you'll see there are PLENTY of men who have worked very hard to save their marriages, only to be left by women who have given up and/or cheated.


I will tell you this...we men get a bad wrap when it comes to putting in the effort. Truth be told it's the "me me me / I'm the victim" mentality that I think alot of women conveniently get into that tips the scales.
When a guy makes a mistake he's a jerk / @**hole but when a woman does it it's somehow the mans fault for not putting in the effort.


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## legiox

I just started trying plenty of fish (since it's free). Should I try sites that you actually have to pay? Really don't know. Kindof in the middle ground with this "online dating" scene. I really don't think it will work, but I'm willing to try type ordeal.

All I'm getting right now is people i find unattractive, and the people i find attractive and message i hear nothing from. Oh well.


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## aston

legiox said:


> I just started trying plenty of fish (since it's free). Should I try sites that you actually have to pay? Really don't know. Kindof in the middle ground with this "online dating" scene. I really don't think it will work, but I'm willing to try type ordeal.
> 
> All I'm getting right now is people i find unattractive, and the people i find attractive and message i hear nothing from. Oh well.


Plentyoffosh is really good actually. I had luck there but you will have to sift through the ones lying through their teeth. You can always read between the lines.


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## EnjoliWoman

I didn't like POF - maybe it's the area, maybe my gender? But it seemed the men just wanted to get laid. Men who were serious about meeting someone to start a relationship were willing to pay a little. It's only $30 a month or so - if they can't afford that, they can't afford to date IMO.


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## aston

EnjoliWoman said:


> I didn't like POF - maybe it's the area, maybe my gender? But it seemed the men just wanted to get laid. Men who were serious about meeting someone to start a relationship were willing to pay a little. It's only $30 a month or so - if they can't afford that, they can't afford to date IMO.


Being a good person or a good date has nothing to do with whether or how much you pay to be on the site. A person serious about meeting someone will fill out a complete profile and be honest with themselves about what he/she is looking for. 
If it's about if / how much is paid then there are adult/swinger sites where you can also pay the same amount (or less) to engage in swinging activities.
POF is a good place as are most sites if you're honest about what you're looking for both yourself and the kind of person you seek.
Most times people go in with skewed expectations or simply treat it like a catalog. Which shouldn't be the case. Has nothing to do with money....genuine people will always find someone.


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## Lon

legiox said:


> I just started trying plenty of fish (since it's free). Should I try sites that you actually have to pay? Really don't know. Kindof in the middle ground with this "online dating" scene. I really don't think it will work, but I'm willing to try type ordeal.
> 
> All I'm getting right now is people i find unattractive, and the people i find attractive and message i hear nothing from. Oh well.


I have decided that most people in my area must be using pof as an online version of the bar scene. And match has 90% of the same faces. A few friends have suggested that e harmony was so much better, but they couldn't back that claim up because even though the people they communicated with seemed genuine it didn't lead to any second dates, and barely any first dates. For awhile I subscribed to an adult personals, just out of curiosity more than anything else and as I expected there was little quality for me to find there, plus it became a credit card billing nightmare, and I still half expect them to try to bill my card yet again despite shutting down the account long ago.

For me, I think the only way I'm going to find dates is by actually being in public spaces... And being aware of the people around me.


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## sharkeey

aston said:


> Plentyoffosh is really good actually. I had luck there but you will have to sift through the ones lying through their teeth. You can always read between the lines.


I don't know about that. I consider myself an experienced online dater. Over the past 6 years post divorce I've probably gone on 50 first meetups, and have meet a half a dozen women worth spending anywhere from a few months to 2 years with and I'm with a woman I met on OKC for about a year now and things are going quite well.

That much being said, I've been blindsided by deceptive fuglies (fat/ugly) more times than I can count. Anyone can post old photos and write a deceptive profile and you're not going to know it until you're face to face.

It got to the point that I almost always suggested video chat before the first meetup but if she declined, it wouldn't be a dealbreaker- but my expectations would be even lower than they usually were.


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## Corpuswife

MTV has a show "Catfish." Pretty much following the online dating relationship and mostly deception. I am not talking about a match.com where you see the person. Interesting how folks lead this secret life (fake pics/made up stories). 

I approached match.com with an open mind. Expecting not much....maybe fun, maybe friend, maybe something to do....It worked out for me.

I did tell me friends to be open minded and level headed. No need to communicate with someone out of a reasonable radius from where you live. It's difficult to meet others and get-to-know them if they aren't physically present. One of my friends didn't head my advice and communicated with some guy. He was convincing. He was scheduled to visit her.....he canceled. DUH! Now she feels burned. 

You have to protect yourself and go with your gut.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

I've just found it depressing how old men who are my age look. I'm nearly 49 and just so tired of men who are slightly overweight and have clothes that smell dusty/musty. I'm sort of dating one guy but he likes to go to bars and to eat. He's not overweight that I know of but he is solid and honestly it's like dating someone's dad. There is no reason why a human being at 49 needs to look so old. I'm getting tired of it and since I went vegan the difference is only going to get worse. You'd think dating a younger guy would make a difference. I went out with that guy who almost became my new client, turned out he'd been on lipitor, didn't work out, drank, and didn't watch his diet, didn't sleep well, failed to buckle up when driving and is constantly stressed due to business and disorganization. (I can see why he was willing to hire me, but declined after all on account of the stress...and the management...) Another guy I really like and go out with socially is 54 but overweight and is financially under on his house, which he says is a wreck. I have never seen the house. He is so cute and genuinely fond of me, I wish he would clean up his act, but he said he is through with relationships, he won't date me but he will keep me company to eat or watch a movie and to be my friend. The other guy I dated seriously was 54 you think he'd be in shape he took kickboxing and went to the gym, was into rock climbing and kayaking...he is the one who almost died of a brain hemorrhage. I met one guy who does kind of what I do and he likes the outdoors, but he has his 8 year old son most weekends. I don't have my kids most weekends, I work a bit weekends but honestly I could budget my time better to be free. If there were a reason to be free... dating online gets even trickier when you have figure out health and also timing...then of course there's compatability on so many levels. I'm a Quaker too, so most people have a lifestyle I can't een wrap my head around.

It's not like I'm not willing to compromise either. One guy I dated was down to earth and an artisan, but it turned out he smoked pot and had issues getting through the day....my potential client I dated had the health issues and such...it would have been okay I suppose, except then he said he wasn.t committed and was dating two other women (while getting it on with me) and he only texted never called, etc. It was kind of like he had some kind of operating instructions that he used to date...I suppose he might be defined as a player...the thing is he was so excited to meet a woman who was a decision scientist and that he was attracted to etc. Well he blew it. My spiritual sense of connection doesn't afford me the ability to have meaningless sex and if he's getting it on with two other women on the side, yep, it's meaningless. (I met him in person, not on-line, as I did the guy with the brain hemorrhage and his cute but overweight friend...)


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## sharkeey

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> I went out with that guy who almost became my new client, turned out he'd been on lipitor, didn't work out, drank, and didn't watch his diet, didn't sleep well, failed to buckle up when driving


He failed to buckle up while driving?!

Dealbreaker for sure.


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## Lon

sharkeey said:


> He failed to buckle up while driving?!
> 
> Dealbreaker for sure.


Funny, I zoned in on that one too... but for me it actually hit kinda close. Would be a dealbreaker for me, in fact I now refuse to even put it in drive if I have a passenger who isn't buckled up.


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## EnjoliWoman

aston said:


> Being a good person or a good date has nothing to do with whether or how much you pay to be on the site. A person serious about meeting someone will fill out a complete profile and be honest with themselves about what he/she is looking for.
> If it's about if / how much is paid then there are adult/swinger sites where you can also pay the same amount (or less) to engage in swinging activities.
> POF is a good place as are most sites if you're honest about what you're looking for both yourself and the kind of person you seek.
> Most times people go in with skewed expectations or simply treat it like a catalog. Which shouldn't be the case. Has nothing to do with money....genuine people will always find someone.


Agreed on principal. Not on experience.


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## Holland

Keep looking HNU, my guy is in his 50's and one heck of a big, gorgeous sexy man. OK I may not have thought that if I was in my 30's but to me he is all that and more. He has a wicked SOH, is tall and broad, shares many of the same interests with me one of them is cycling. So while neither of us have bodies to die for we are fit and exercise together.

No need to settle at this age and stage in life and it is good to see you are being sensible.

Oh and not wearing a seat belt would not sit well with me either, how funny that so many picked up on this point. I also would not date a man that didn't wear a bike helmet.


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## RandomDude

The whole online thing I just don't get really. Besides I bet if I made a profile and started flirting I reckon I would suck at it. How the hell do you break the ice/get to know someone with words on a screen when 90%+ of what we as human beings communicate is through our non-verbal language?

I doubt I would even be able to flirt because I won't be able to gauge the "temperature" online and how well or badly recieved my flirts are. Meh, think if my wife and I do divorce, I'm sticking to RL, which sucks... because it's reliant on opportunities, whereas online dating you know they are all there for the same thing... or are they? lol


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## working_together

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> I've just found it depressing how old men who are my age look. I'm nearly 49 and just so tired of men who are slightly overweight and have clothes that smell dusty/musty. I'm sort of dating one guy but he likes to go to bars and to eat. He's not overweight that I know of but he is solid and honestly it's like dating someone's dad. There is no reason why a human being at 49 needs to look so old. I'm getting tired of it and since I went vegan the difference is only going to get worse. You'd think dating a younger guy would make a difference. I went out with that guy who almost became my new client, turned out he'd been on lipitor, didn't work out, drank, and didn't watch his diet, didn't sleep well, failed to buckle up when driving and is constantly stressed due to business and disorganization. (I can see why he was willing to hire me, but declined after all on account of the stress...and the management...) Another guy I really like and go out with socially is 54 but overweight and is financially under on his house, which he says is a wreck. I have never seen the house. He is so cute and genuinely fond of me, I wish he would clean up his act, but he said he is through with relationships, he won't date me but he will keep me company to eat or watch a movie and to be my friend. The other guy I dated seriously was 54 you think he'd be in shape he took kickboxing and went to the gym, was into rock climbing and kayaking...he is the one who almost died of a brain hemorrhage. I met one guy who does kind of what I do and he likes the outdoors, but he has his 8 year old son most weekends. I don't have my kids most weekends, I work a bit weekends but honestly I could budget my time better to be free. If there were a reason to be free... dating online gets even trickier when you have figure out health and also timing...then of course there's compatability on so many levels. I'm a Quaker too, so most people have a lifestyle I can't een wrap my head around.
> 
> It's not like I'm not willing to compromise either. One guy I dated was down to earth and an artisan, but it turned out he smoked pot and had issues getting through the day....my potential client I dated had the health issues and such...it would have been okay I suppose, except then he said he wasn.t committed and was dating two other women (while getting it on with me) and he only texted never called, etc. It was kind of like he had some kind of operating instructions that he used to date...I suppose he might be defined as a player...the thing is he was so excited to meet a woman who was a decision scientist and that he was attracted to etc. Well he blew it. My spiritual sense of connection doesn't afford me the ability to have meaningless sex and if he's getting it on with two other women on the side, yep, it's meaningless. (I met him in person, not on-line, as I did the guy with the brain hemorrhage and his cute but overweight friend...)


I totally agree with what you're saying about the men looking old, or out of shape in their 40's. Most of the men I met in their 40's were overweight, or pudgy. Which is ok for some I guess, but I had "fit" in my profile. The guy that I dated for a few months was 5 years younger than me, and was fit, it just seems like after 40 men seem to give up on themselves, or they're happily married...lol

I never thought I would be single at 45 and on a dating site.

crazy stuff


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## Hawk

I have heard some stories from friends about online dating. NEVER want to have to do it myself.


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## zillard

Met my stbxw online 10 years ago. It can work. At least for a decade.


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## EnjoliWoman

Working Together -

I am amazed at the number of men who put themselves as 'average' build and have a beer gut and love handles and yet wouldn't even consider a woman with the same # of extra pounds. A lot of men have tunnel vision in that regard.


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## zillard

EnjoliWoman said:


> Working Together -
> 
> I am amazed at the number of men who put themselves as 'average' build and have a beer gut and love handles and yet wouldn't even consider a woman with the same # of extra pounds. A lot of men have tunnel vision in that regard.


lol - but aren't beer guts pretty average?


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

working_together said:


> I totally agree with what you're saying about the men looking old, or out of shape in their 40's. Most of the men I met in their 40's were overweight, or pudgy. Which is ok for some I guess, but I had "fit" in my profile. The guy that I dated for a few months was 5 years younger than me, and was fit, it just seems like after 40 men seem to give up on themselves, or they're happily married...lol
> 
> I never thought I would be single at 45 and on a dating site.
> 
> crazy stuff


My slightly tubby guy who had been on Lipitor and still didn't exercise was 39. Get this...he said he would rather be doing something with his mind. But all he does is (mis)manages his business and his life. He said he hasn't done any real analytical work in decision science for 2 years. I guess he doesn't realize that the brain is a part of the body, and it works better if the body can get oxygen and nutrients to it. I think he is on the road to a heart attack. I realize it's not easy. I've been going to the gym for over a week now working out diligently. I have yet to lose any weight, but I can feel that I'm healthier. I gave up meats and dairy products. My cholesterol is slightly high, I used to think there was nothing I could do about that, since I thought that my diet was fairly healthy and I was already exercising. Of course, I've never gone vegan before  It will be interesting to go for my physical/blood work in February to see the numbers.

I got an account on fitnesssingles.com.
I'm going to try a different dance venue, too.
I might even go to a contra dance, when I went last spring when my former boyfriend was in the hospital for his brain hemorrhage, there were a couple really nice guys that were interested in me. But of course, at that time, I wasn't really interested in anyone else, I just wanted to be out of the hospital environment and was grateful for the company.


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## EnjoliWoman

zillard said:


> lol - but aren't beer guts pretty average?


They would really fit "a few extra pounds" category. Yes, I see that as the 'norm' for a 40-something and personally don't mind as long as he is healthy and active (no couch potatoes). But those same guys look at me with the same amount of pudge and find it unacceptable and don't see THAT as "average" when it really is the norm. :scratchhead:


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

Well, I'm so desperate I'm going to start going to contra dances.
I don't mind a slightly pudgy body type as long as it's treated with respect, i.e. good diet, exercise, sleep, buckling up ;-) (which is exactly what it is as well as a euphemism for wearing a condom, lol)
:-o


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## sharkeey

Hawk said:


> I have heard some stories from friends about online dating. NEVER want to have to do it myself.


You tend to only hear the more wacky stories. 

The 100s of thousands of people who meet on the dating sites and live happily ever after.. you don't really see that sort of news spreading like wildfire as compared to the ones about "the beast who showed up for our dinner date and almost ate me along with everyone else in the restaurant".


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## aston

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> Well, I'm so desperate I'm going to start going to contra dances.
> I don't mind a slightly pudgy body type as long as it's treated with respect, i.e. good diet, exercise, sleep, buckling up ;-) (which is exactly what it is as well as a euphemism for wearing a condom, lol)
> :-o


You're better off going to a Barnes and Noble bookstore. At least you know he/she reads lol


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## aston

EnjoliWoman said:


> Working Together -
> 
> I am amazed at the number of men who put themselves as 'average' build and have a beer gut and love handles and yet wouldn't even consider a woman with the same # of extra pounds. A lot of men have tunnel vision in that regard.


Beer gut is average....some guys also put themselves as "athletic" just because they are skinny. Thats why you gotta really know what you want and set realistic expectations.
It's the women that put only face pictures up that scare me LOL. And when a woman says "a few extra pounds"...add 3 levels to that.
Regardless, you have to be everything you seek in another person.
Often times I see these women who want a certain type of guy (he must be fit, successful, at least 6 ft tall, dark hair, participate in sports, love to travel and speak more than onel anguage)...when they themselves are sitting at a buffet table, rarely if ever go to the gym, lacking in height, and have a planetary orbit around the waist.


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## Freak On a Leash

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> I've just found it depressing how old men who are my age look. I'm nearly 49 and just so tired of men who are slightly overweight and have clothes that smell dusty/musty. I'm sort of dating one guy but he likes to go to bars and to eat. He's not overweight that I know of but he is solid and honestly it's like dating someone's dad. There is no reason why a human being at 49 needs to look so old.


You are my age HNU. And it seems we feel the same way. I rarely meet a guy who I can honestly say is in good shape and/or as in good a shape as I am. I find that most people, not just guys, are thinking and acting old by their 40s. I like to dress trendy and be into what's happening NOW, not what happened 20 years ago. I don't want to date someone who is like my grandfather. I don't say my father because he was actually a pretty hip guy. 

I met a nice guy last weekend through Meetup. He's 44. We hit it off quite well. He's pretty good looking, prolly could lose a few pounds but acceptable and he's got hair! But he's a lot of fun and we seem to have a lot in common. He likes to dance, can drink without being addicted to it (a real plus) knows all the modern tunes and likes to have fun. He seems interested in going to see live music and thats something I'd love to do on a date because one thing I won't do is go to a bar by myself. 

Plus, it seems he can keep up with me, which is hard to find because I'm a high energy type of gal. We chatted the first night we met and then danced all night together at a bar that our Meetup was at the next night and he was at the party for New Years Eve and danced again and had a great time together. 

Most important, he also isn't clingy or weird. He just seems like a normal type guy. He asked if he could date me and I said "yes" but he has his kids (yeah he has 2 kids! ) twice a week and on alternate weekends so I told him "No worries, just call when it's good for you." So I'm still waiting on that.

I figure if he's interested he can call or email me. He has both my cell # and email address and that's where it stands now. If it works out, then fine. If not, no problem. I'm not going nuts and wasn't even looking for this. It just happened. What I don't want is some guy who is looking to get married or jump into bed with me right away and he seems rather chill about that so it's good. No pressure, just fun is how I like it. 

But I do look around and for the most part, I'm not impressed by what I see. I'd love to find someone who, like you, is into being physically active. I kayak, hike, ski, camp out and love going out on the town so anyone who goes out with me had better not say "Let's stay home and watch TV". I heard that too many years from my STBXH. I want to go out and have fun and anyone who drags me down is going to be history really quick. 

But yeah, I'm with you. Ok, you are going bald or maybe your skin is a bit wrinkled but take care of yourself. I take the time to count calories and work out and I'm not a health nut but at least care about how you look. It's not asking for much. 

But online dating? No thanks. Waay too many variables and hassles. I got too much other stuff to do with my time and energy.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

aston said:


> You're better off going to a Barnes and Noble bookstore. At least you know he/she reads lol


Trust me, the place where these contra dances are, having a master's degree is considered to be an unfinished education. ;-)
It's one of the most educated towns in the world. Next to Cambridge. But hey, I used to eat my lunch in Kendall Square (and yes, I would go to the Harvard Coop, it's a bookstore, and I'd go to buy books, not to scope guys, which is why educated people end up needing to like, go to contra dances. Because when we go to bookstores, we are there to buy books. :rofl:


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

Bald is not an issue. Young people go bald, this is genetics. Feeling bad about yourself because you're bald and you THINK it makes you look older, not nice. I like a guy who cares about himself. Knocking yourself down when you're intelligent and young and brilliant because of things you do to yourself, like getting fat or whatever, is disgusting. I can't date a guy who isn't going to take care of himself. After I have taken care of myself my entire life, plus my kids, that there is a dealbreaker. I'm not into the rescue thing. Unless someone has really gone the distance for himself. I already spent 6 weeks in the neuro icu next to someone I only dated seriously for 2 weeks. That is a horrible ratio! But I did it. I don't intend to re-do it if I can help it. A guy has got to be taking care of himself because it has a REAL AND LASTING EFFECT on the loved one's lives. The kindest thing to do FOR MYSELF is to avoid becoming attached to someone who isn't doing everything they can to take care of themselves mentally, physically, emotionally and financially (yes, it costs money to live, even at the most basic level, you have to at least have a plan, and the plan isn't PUNT.)


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## Freak On a Leash

:iagree: I have no problem with baldness. If a guy is bald or shaves his head and is in good shape then I think it's fine. There's a lot of really sexy guys out there who are bald. Not an issue at all. 

But I'm with you on the fat. I just can't get excited about fat guys. I go through a lot of trouble NOT to be fat, to do my hair and make up and dress nicely. I like when someone I'm going with does the same. 

And if I was a guy I'd feel the same way. Come on ladies, take care of yourself and do your hair and wear make up! Why do so many woman let themselves go in middle age? It's not just men! I will say that in many of the meetups I belong to the woman really do seem to like to dress up and go out. :smthumbup:

When my STBXH started getting fat on top of smoking, drinking and just letting himself go I found myself not being attacted to him. Plus he was acting like an A-hole but that's another story. 

Too bad because he used to be pretty good looking. Now he just looks old and worn out. Shame. 

I hope this one guy I hit it off with calls me and we go and have fun. First of all, I don't like very many people right away and the fact that I enjoyed hanging with him is amazing (and I told him so!) and he seems into doing stuff and he wants to go kayaking. I'll have him doing some rock scrambling and hiking and we'll whip him into shape.


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## ing

Hey Ya Freak on a Leash

You just got my new dating profile 


Skinny AND athletic. I was a mega distance cyclist for years and look like I am made out of cables. 

Wrinkles. Yep. I was a mega-distance cycllist for years so my face looks like someone who was out in the weather for years.


Did lots and lots of exciting dangerous stuff..

So, you can keep your dangerous sports, the ones that require you to suffer detached retina. 
Anything that involves brushes with death. 
Anything that involves being cold wet hot cold or plain scared shirtless for extended periods.

Ill watch you. 

Hair. Yep got that. Mostly. 

Teeth. I still have [mostly] my own. Not so many years ago that was a bonus! Smashed both front ones out on bottom of a pool. [doing something dangerous and romantic] Fillings are tarnished. 
Jeez cut us some slack. 

Face: Scars from bike accidents when i was cool and fast, not like major ones but they are there.

General Condition.
Not too bad for age. Back is damaged from doing ****, but do exercise to keep mobile and to enable romantic pursuits

Veins in legs popped in various places. Useful for predicting thunderstorms.

Massive long and very painful leg cramps at night which can be funny to watch.

Talk about men being old when they hit 40. What about women! 

One day it's dancing until dawn then stumbling back to a tent with a bottle of Moet and one plastic cup and the next its In depth current affairs and Digestive frigging biscuits. Chocolate ones on Sunday. 

Save me...


Thanks Freak.

I'll "Make it So"


----------



## EnjoliWoman

I have always been chunky so this isn't letting myself go - it's just super hard for me to cut way back on food when I'm hedonistic when it comes to the good things in life. All of them. Just when I was younger I could drop 20 pounds in a month (not healthy, I know) and now I have to really watch it and work hard at it.

Hair - I keep it current.
Makeup - daily but light. I'm aiming for polished, not matronly or *****.
Clothing - I keep it current. Yeah my jeans are quite as low-rise as my size 3 daughter but they are current. No Mom jeans. 
I always accessorize. Current shoe styles.
Edited to add I must have good skin genetically - I'll be 45 in a few months and I have no wrinkles.

I like to go out and dance, drink, socialize, throw parties, go away to see and do... new places, see new things. Everything from gallery crawl to biker bar. 

Men my age seem to be in a mid-life crisis and have reverted to high school or do nothing but watch football or the S&P500.


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

lol. 40, my biological age isn't even there yet! Chronologically, it's 9 years behind. When I go out with my eldest son, people think we are brother and sister. This was the case when he was 10 and I was 36, too. No biggie. The only thing is people think I had him when I was 13, so I usually have to state my age.

I would say my health is due to genetics but it's not. It's due to reading an article where Sofia Loren was interviewed and talked about how she got to be 50 and looking so good...I read this article as a teen and I still remember it. She had all those kids, and she said staying young was because of taking care of yourself, no smoking, not too much alcohol, eat healthy, get enough sleep, avoid bad relationships and otherwise avoidable difficult people and stress, and be spiritually mindful. Of course, this article had an impact on me. I'm 48, nearly 49 and I still remember the day I read it. And vowing that when I was her age, I would have the great body and good skin and the kids too, and be enjoying my life. I am. You don't need to be a star to sparkle.

I don't wear a lot of makeup, usually just eyeliner and sometimes eye shadow and lipstick. Usually I do my nails. I dress fashionably but so that I can move well and not to embarrass or offend anyone I might be spending time with. Situation appropriate, but attractive and competent. My skin is good and I have really nice eyes and good curves, I look like a clown if I try to wear base makeup. lol.


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

There appear to be a lot of nice guys up at the ski area. 

Update: I went today but I was too involved having fun snowboarding to remember to look around. I have a date tomorrow evening with my very nice guy, so scoping wasn't on my mind, lol.


----------



## Pbartender

Freak On a Leash said:


> Oh she was coming on to you BIG TIME! :smthumbup:


UPDATE!

Last week, I stopped by to talk to the mortgage guy, but she wasn't working.

I needed to setup my PIN for my new debit card, and so I stopped by after work today. She was working with another customer, and another banker stepped up to help me, but I caught her eye and she smiled.

Later, on my way out we said "hi" to each other... I asked her if she was interested in seeing Night of Living Dead tonight and she said she'd meet me there. She seemed pretty excited about it.

We'll see how it goes... If she shows up, I'll call it a good night. Hah!



Pb.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## zillard

Pbartender said:


> UPDATE!
> 
> Last week, I stopped by to talk to the mortgage guy, but she wasn't working.
> 
> I needed to setup my PIN for my new debit card, and so I stopped by after work today. She was working with another customer, and another banker stepped up to help me, but I caught her eye and she smiled.
> 
> Later, on my way out we said "hi" to each other... I asked her if she was interested in seeing Night of Living Dead tonight and she said she'd meet me there. She seemed pretty excited about it.
> 
> We'll see how it goes... If she shows up, I'll call it a good night. Hah!
> 
> Pb.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Good job PB. She'll show!


----------



## Pbartender

zillard said:


> Good job PB. She'll show!


She did. She got there early, and was waiting for me. We got a couple of beers from concessions and had a great time heckling a 45-year-old B-rate horror flick. We didn't go out for coffee or dessert afterward like Enjoli suggested, but I did get her phone number and she texted me after she got home.

:smthumbup:

Even if it doesn't get any more serious than this, she's a new friend who's helluva fun to hang out and talk with. I'm jazzed about it.



Pb.


----------



## Chuck71

Pb-It's a start......in fact a pretty good start. Keep us posted!


----------



## Pbartender

Chuck71 said:


> Pb-It's a start......in fact a pretty good start. Keep us posted!


Hurr... This is the part I hate. Judging the right time to call back, and how to proceed from here.



Pb.


----------



## COguy

Pbartender said:


> Hurr... This is the part I hate. Judging the right time to call back, and how to proceed from here.
> 
> 
> 
> Pb.


2 days, don't deviate from that.

And don't put her on the pedestal either, easier to do when you're dating multiple women at the same time so you don't feel as desperate or focused on one person.


----------



## MSC71

Pbartender said:


> Hurr... This is the part I hate. Judging the right time to call back, and how to proceed from here.
> 
> 
> 
> Pb.


Call her when you want to. Dont do those stupid dating games people play. Follow your heart.


----------



## Freak On a Leash

If you like her, call her. Don't play games. Sounds like a great start! Here's a perspective from the female point of view:

The weekend before New Years, while at a few events with one of my Meetup groups I hit it off with this guy ( I've mentioned him in a prior post on this thread). At the end of one of the events and he walked me out to my car and asked to date me. I said "sure".

A few days later, I saw him New Years Eve at a party and we danced and had a good time and said he'd call me soon. He said he'd have his kids the following weekend so it would be after that and I said that would be cool. 

This past Saturday night I texted him to say "Hi" and asked him how his "kids weekend was going". We chatted a bit via text and he said he'd like to see me again and take me out. I said that would be great. He said he would check with his Ex to see what his schedule with the kids is and let me know. I said "No problem!". 

Well, yesterday he emailed me not to ask me out on a date but to tell me that he signed up for the same Meetup event I was going to on Saturday and he'd see me there. :slap: I was a bit flummoxed by that but said "OK, see you there" and left it at that. 

So if he's interested in seeing me again, I guess he WILL indeed see me at the event (or perhaps not as now I might not go because of I might go kayaking and to dinner with friends instead) but my point is: *He's not acting like a man who wants to date me. *

So my attitude is "Fine, but I'm not putting myself out to see you either" and I'm definitely losing interest in him. I'm not angry or miffed but I do feel that if someone expresses interest in seeing me I'd at least like them to act upon it within a reasonable amount of time, or I'll assume they aren't interested and then they aren't a priority in my life. 

I don't have any real emotional investment in this guy. He seemed fun and cool and I would've enjoyed getting to know him better but he isn't putting out the right vibes as far as I can see. 

So PB. If you want to date this girl than ACT LIKE IT, because otherwise you just come off badly or as if you are disinterested. 

Woman like to be chased. Even with all the talk of "equal rights", etc....MOST women still like men to ACT like men.


----------



## Enchanted

It's a good thing I'm married because my Online Dating Profile would be something like this:

Extremely neurotic female who enjoys talking about her problems and feeling sorry for herself seeks male to provide lots of emotional comfort and unconditional love.


----------



## Pbartender

Oh, I get it, Freak. And I certainly don't intend to play games.

It just feels weird is all.

We're still in the early stages of the divorce... We're "separated", but DW is still living at home... There's our two kids... I only ever really dated one other woman before I met my wife... And that was almost 20 years ago... As I mention above, I worry a little that I'm jumping into this too soon and for the wrong reasons...

I feel fantastic, but weird... And a little... I'm not sure how to describe it... Nervous? Worried? Unsure? But sill excited. It's like that feeling you get when you're getting back on a bicycle for the first time in a very, very long time and you're still a bit wobbly and you don't want to crash because you know exactly what it'll feel like if you do and how much it'll hurt.

Oi! Is there a good way to explain all that to her without scaring her off?



Pb.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## zillard

Pbartender said:


> It's like that feeling you get when you're getting back on a bicycle for the first time in a very, very long time and you're still a bit wobbly and you don't want to crash because you know exactly what it'll feel like if you do and how much it'll hurt.
> 
> Oi! Is there a good way to explain all that to her without scaring her off?
> 
> 
> 
> Pb.


Put that crash into perspective though. You just crashed on a motorcycle that went over a cliff. A little bike spill aint nothin' you can't handle with ease PB!

Don't worry about explaining all that. Just have fun. If she asks a direct question just honestly answer the question. No need to go spilling your guts out unprompted.

I've started chatting with woman on dating sites. I put on my profile, "Yes, I'm separated. Just being honest. Looking for nothing more than friends and conversation at this point."

Many don't respond, I'm assuming because of this. But those that can see it for what it is are more worthy of my time anyway.


----------



## Chuck71

PB-Try this.......before you call, find an excuse to run by where she works. Chat a bit, that will let you know a lot. But yes....if you like her, call her. If you call the next day, try to when she is at work and you leave a brief message on her machine. That leaves her open to call you back. But the two days later.....yeah call her in the evening. Just some advice. That was what I would usually do when I was single....but that was way back right after Clinton was re-elected so maybe things have changed.


----------



## Freak On a Leash

Pbartender said:


> Oh, I get it, Freak. And I certainly don't intend to play games.
> 
> It just feels weird is all.
> 
> We're still in the early stages of the divorce... We're "separated", but DW is still living at home... There's our two kids... I only ever really dated one other woman before I met my wife... And that was almost 20 years ago... As I mention above, I worry a little that I'm jumping into this too soon and for the wrong reasons...
> 
> I feel fantastic, but weird... And a little... I'm not sure how to describe it... Nervous? Worried? Unsure? But sill excited. It's like that feeling you get when you're getting back on a bicycle for the first time in a very, very long time and you're still a bit wobbly and you don't want to crash because you know exactly what it'll feel like if you do and how much it'll hurt.
> 
> Oi! Is there a good way to explain all that to her without scaring her off?
> Pb.


It's tough. I'm in a similar situation myself. I have been living apart and separated for two years and only recently have I become open to the idea of dating. I had to make the emotional break first. Plus, you are living with your wife still..I didn't know that. That makes for a touchy situation, to say the least. 

My first instinct is that you should give yourself more time before you actually embark on any serious dating. But a friend to go out with and have fun is a good thing, provided you keep it light and fun. 

You could get together with this woman and explain to her your situation and see how she reacts. Worse thing you could do is allow yourself to get drawn into a relationship that you aren't comfortable with or ready for and/or get her hopes up. That would make things far worse for both of you. 

Over the past two years I'd often meet men at events and they would hear that I'm separated and be interested in me and I'd tell them straight out, "I'm still married mentally and legally so I'm not onto dating right now but I'm always into having a good friend." I'm sure that turned many off but at least they knew were I stood and I was dealing with them honestly and openly and there were no mixed signals. 

The guy I wrote about is separated for 3 years and headed for divorce. He's in much the same situation as I am. He's living apart from his wife but the papers have yet to be signed. 

I get the impression that he's just now (like myself) taking the first tentative steps towards dating and I don't think he knows how to go about it. But he's coming off as disinterested. If he is, then fine. But if he isn't than he certainly is making me disinterested. 

If he just came out and said "It's been a long time and I'm new at this, unsure, etc" I'd be totally understanding about it and reassure him that it's all good but I don't know WHAT is up with him and I can't be bothered to try and figure it out so I'm like :wtf: . 

Better to be open and honest in any case. It makes for a better situation all around. 

So if you want to pursue this then take some positive steps but something tells me you are still unsure and are just looking to go out and have some fun and there's NOTHING wrong with that but keep that in mind. If you want to see her again, great..but sooner than later you will need to tell her where you stand. 

And there's nothing wrong with where you stand. IMO, you are reacting and feeling things that are completely normal. Take it slow and don't rush and don't do anything your gut tells you not to do. 

Just have fun and good luck!


----------



## Pbartender

Freak On a Leash said:


> My first instinct is that you should give yourself more time before you actually embark on any serious dating. But a friend to go out with and have fun is a good thing, provided you keep it light and fun.
> 
> ...
> 
> I get the impression that he's just now (like myself) taking the first tentative steps towards dating and I don't think he knows how to go about it.
> 
> ...
> 
> If he just came out and said "It's been a long time and I'm new at this, unsure, etc" I'd be totally understanding about it and reassure him that it's all good
> 
> ...
> 
> Better to be open and honest in any case. It makes for a better situation all around.
> 
> ...
> 
> but something tells me you are still unsure and are just looking to go out and have some fun and there's NOTHING wrong with that but keep that in mind. If you want to see her again, great..but sooner than later you will need to tell her where you stand.
> 
> And there's nothing wrong with where you stand. IMO, you are reacting and feeling things that are completely normal. Take it slow and don't rush and don't do anything your gut tells you not to do.
> 
> Just have fun and good luck!


All this, exactly. Thanks, Freak.



Pb.


----------



## legiox

I just deleted all my profiles on POF and *******. Just seems all the women there don't know what they want, or I'm fighting against 50 messages to women who look halfway decent. I feel like I'm at a bar with 100 guys fighting over the only girl there. Not my cup of tea. I will just play it low and hopefully will run into the right one soon or later.


----------



## zillard

legiox said:


> I just deleted all my profiles on POF and *******. Just seems all the women there don't know what they want, or I'm fighting against 50 messages to women who look halfway decent. I feel like I'm at a bar with 100 guys fighting over the only girl there. Not my cup of tea. I will just play it low and hopefully will run into the right one soon or later.


I feel ya. I even get responses from women who haven't even checked out my profile. Like they are just on there to chat up guys to feel better about themselves. 

Then there's the others that hit u up with instant fbuddy propositions. Yeah, no thanks.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Lon

zillard said:


> I feel ya. I even get responses from women who haven't even checked out my profile. Like they are just on there to chat up guys to feel better about themselves.
> 
> Then there's the others that hit u up with instant fbuddy propositions. Yeah, no thanks.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sarcasm, right?


----------



## zillard

Lon said:


> Sarcasm, right?


Actually, no.


----------



## zillard

But the ones I'd want to respond (not trash and share interests, etc)... no dice.


----------



## Lon

zillard said:


> But the ones I'd want to respond (not trash and share interests, etc)... no dice.


Only a couple...females, ever initiated contact with me, but certainly not the half way decent ones... Of the hundreds of women I initiated contact with only a half dozen even replied, three of them turned into a conversation the others never replied after my first response, and of the 3 left one just wanted to validate herself, another one we arranged a date but she bailed and the other one turned into a sexual relationship (but she was crazy). And then there were no more new women, just too small a city I guess.


----------



## zillard

Lon said:


> Only a couple...females, ever initiated contact with me, but certainly not the half way decent ones... Of the hundreds of women I initiated contact with only a half dozen even replied, three of them turned into a conversation the others never replied after my first response, and of the 3 left one just wanted to validate herself, another one we arranged a date but she bailed and the other one turned into a sexual relationship (but she was crazy). And then there were no more new women, just too small a city I guess.


Yeah, I think it really depends on your location. I've been on for about 2 weeks. 

I've messaged 10-15 so far and got responses from 5... 1 of which turned into a multi-day back and forth but she hasn't replied to my last msg for a couple days. 

Then I've been contact by 3. One I didn't respond to. The other two instantly wanted casual sex.

If anything it's good practice.


----------



## Freak On a Leash

Lon said:


> Only a couple...females, ever initiated contact with me, but certainly not the half way decent ones... Of the hundreds of women I initiated contact with only a half dozen even replied, three of them turned into a conversation the others never replied after my first response, and of the 3 left one just wanted to validate herself, another one we arranged a date but she bailed and the other one turned into a sexual relationship (but she was crazy). And then there were no more new women, just too small a city I guess.


:rofl::lol: well, after reading this I can't wait to take a stab at online dating! Where do I sign up?


----------



## zillard

zillard said:


> If anything it's good practice.


The interaction online... not the casual sex.


----------



## Lon

zillard said:


> The interaction online... not the casual sex.


That's what TAM is for, isn't it?


----------



## zillard

Lon said:


> That's what TAM is for, isn't it?


Touchee! Never been the casual sex type though. Well except for that one time. And that other time. But not right now at least. 

Plus, its no fun if you don't have to work for it at least a little bit.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Holland

zillard said:


> Yeah, I think it really depends on your location. I've been on for about 2 weeks.
> 
> I've messaged 10-15 so far and got responses from 5... 1 of which turned into a multi-day back and forth but she hasn't replied to my last msg for a couple days.
> 
> Then I've been contact by 3. One I didn't respond to. The other two instantly wanted casual sex.
> 
> If anything it's good practice.


2 weeks is not long, just do it in addition to going out and having a life, not as the only way to meet people.

Said it before but you guys have the bad end of it. As a female I got so inundated with requests that I only replied to a minority, it was too overwhelming. I never made the initial contact with anyone.

I say just stick with it, don't take it seriously and enjoy your life at the same time. And yes it is great experience and gets you back out into the world.

It was great fun for me, meeting, dating, dinners etc after being out of the dating scene for almost 20 years. I met some great guys and built my confidence back up.

In the end it was just meant to be for me and SO. There were various reasons why we should not have even met online but the planets aligned that day and I am thankful that I tried online dating. Otherwise I would never have met the man that totally has my heart.


----------



## zillard

Holland said:


> 2 weeks is not long, just do it in addition to going out and having a life, not as the only way to meet people.
> 
> I say just stick with it, don't take it seriously and enjoy your life at the same time. And yes it is great experience and gets you back out into the world.


Absolutely! I go out on Saturday nights to socialize when I don't have my D6. Not looking for serious dating right now, just socializing as I'll be relocating in the next couple months.



Holland said:


> It was great fun for me, meeting, dating, dinners etc after being out of the dating scene for almost 20 years. I met some great guys and built my confidence back up.
> 
> In the end it was just meant to be for me and SO. There were various reasons why we should not have even met online but the planets aligned that day and I am thankful that I tried online dating. Otherwise I would never have met the man that totally has my heart.


I do know it can work. I met my stbxw online. Congrats!


----------



## working_together

sharkeey said:


> You don't know a person is a keeper after a week.
> 
> You can't be reasonably sure until 6 months minimum.
> 
> Your emotions are affecting your judgement, and that's not uncommon early on but don't move in together or do a Vegas wedding anytime soon.
> 
> It won't end well.


I totally agree with this, I think people rush into what they think feels right. Sure it feels good, everyone puts on their "good face" at the beginning. 6 months is a good time to start thinking about a serious relatiionship I think... A week? lol


----------



## working_together

EnjoliWoman said:


> Working Together -
> 
> I am amazed at the number of men who put themselves as 'average' build and have a beer gut and love handles and yet wouldn't even consider a woman with the same # of extra pounds. A lot of men have tunnel vision in that regard.


Before I met the guy I am currently dating, I went on a date with this one guy who seemed really outgoing and confident which I state is a must on my profile. We texted back and forth, and I loved his wit. So, we meet up in person at a pub style resto, and I was like wtf? you can't be that same person. His pics were oldish, and he had gained about 25 pounds and right in the gut!! Did he read my profile? Then I hear the story about his divorce, how his ex cheated on him and ran away, how he's a great dad, supports his kids...yada yada yada, the whole time he did the most annoying thing...chewed gum like a freakin' cow...big turn off, but I was done way before that.

In almost a year post separation, I have dated two men, one for several months (Mr. Unavailable), and then Mr. Right came alone a couple of months ago....we'll see.

It's a lot of effort and work for these dating sits, and there are a lot of men just looking for hook ups, but it's fairly easy to tell who are the decent ones.


----------



## working_together

aston said:


> Beer gut is average....some guys also put themselves as "athletic" just because they are skinny. Thats why you gotta really know what you want and set realistic expectations.
> It's the women that put only face pictures up that scare me LOL. And when a woman says "a few extra pounds"...add 3 levels to that.
> Regardless, you have to be everything you seek in another person.
> Often times I see these women who want a certain type of guy (he must be fit, successful, at least 6 ft tall, dark hair, participate in sports, love to travel and speak more than onel anguage)...when they themselves are sitting at a buffet table, rarely if ever go to the gym, lacking in height, and have a planetary orbit around the waist.


Hey...that's not fair..lol Yes, I put on my profile I want an attractive, fit, and intelligent man in my life. I ask that he be confident and witty. These things are a must for me, I take care of myself, I am attractive, slim, and I have a decent paying job. I don't want some guy who doesn't give a crap about how he looks, wants to sponge off of me, and sits around drinking beer all day. I won't settle for anything less. I work hard on myself, so should men.

phew, glad I got that off of my chest....


----------



## working_together

Freak On a Leash said:


> If you like her, call her. Don't play games. Sounds like a great start! Here's a perspective from the female point of view:
> 
> The weekend before New Years, while at a few events with one of my Meetup groups I hit it off with this guy ( I've mentioned him in a prior post on this thread). At the end of one of the events and he walked me out to my car and asked to date me. I said "sure".
> 
> A few days later, I saw him New Years Eve at a party and we danced and had a good time and said he'd call me soon. He said he'd have his kids the following weekend so it would be after that and I said that would be cool.
> 
> This past Saturday night I texted him to say "Hi" and asked him how his "kids weekend was going". We chatted a bit via text and he said he'd like to see me again and take me out. I said that would be great. He said he would check with his Ex to see what his schedule with the kids is and let me know. I said "No problem!".
> 
> Well, yesterday he emailed me not to ask me out on a date but to tell me that he signed up for the same Meetup event I was going to on Saturday and he'd see me there. :slap: I was a bit flummoxed by that but said "OK, see you there" and left it at that.
> 
> So if he's interested in seeing me again, I guess he WILL indeed see me at the event (or perhaps not as now I might not go because of I might go kayaking and to dinner with friends instead) but my point is: *He's not acting like a man who wants to date me. *
> 
> So my attitude is "Fine, but I'm not putting myself out to see you either" and I'm definitely losing interest in him. I'm not angry or miffed but I do feel that if someone expresses interest in seeing me I'd at least like them to act upon it within a reasonable amount of time, or I'll assume they aren't interested and then they aren't a priority in my life.
> 
> I don't have any real emotional investment in this guy. He seemed fun and cool and I would've enjoyed getting to know him better but he isn't putting out the right vibes as far as I can see.
> 
> So PB. If you want to date this girl than ACT LIKE IT, because otherwise you just come off badly or as if you are disinterested.
> 
> Woman like to be chased. Even with all the talk of "equal rights", etc....MOST women still like men to ACT like men.


Be careful with guys who just want to text or email..it's a red flag for wanting something casual. He should want to talk on the phone, and regularly.


----------



## Bafuna

It seems there is a lot of experience on online dating here on TAM as well as results.

So...my question is in your experiences girls, how is it taken if a girl initiates contact and guys how do you feel about that?


----------



## Lon

Bafuna said:


> It seems there is a lot of experience on online dating here on TAM as well as results.
> 
> So...my question is in your experiences girls, how is it taken if a girl initiates contact and guys how do you feel about that?


How did I feel about women initiating contact with me? Well, it starts with an email notification that "radgirl81 wants to meet you" (sometimes her name is "looking4princecharming") I get a little smile on, then I begin to wonder if she just joined the site or if she's been lurking in the deep looking for just any guy who will come save her. So I follow the link and check out her profile, if I've noticed it on the site before I tend to think she's not having much luck and I proceed to find out why, usually my suspicions are confirmed (in my mind, even before replying, I will judge a lot from any pics and the words in her description) - it's not that I have unreasonably high standards, I just know that it doesn't make me feel confident to go for ones who are so desperate, obese or illiterate.

Now if I look at her profile and don't sense the desperation, I try not to get too giddy, I will reply with a nice simple message, comment on something in her profile and ask a question which requires a thoughtful response, but it never seems to be the reply they want to hear because they never reply back (maybe I'm just supposed to write "DTF?" in my first reply)

But regardless if I'm attracted to her or not, if a woman initiates contact I will always reply to it, I respect the chance that people take and I like to encourage open communication.


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

I'm heading out for field research today. That is, doing stuff I want to be doing, but keeping an eye out for other people (men yes but also women with a view towards friend-finding) who are doing the same thing I'm doing.

Going to a seminar by Mike Jaffe (Wake Up to Your Life) and to dinner with an old work friend (old, and old, lol) and to a contra dance in a very upscale hippy educated demographics kind of town in Vermont.

I tend to live my life like I'm in some kind of spa/vacation environment where I've been allowed to take my work and kids with me. 

Online dating is getting to be fun. With e-Harmony I'm 'meeting' a lot of interesting people, a physician who has lied about his age who specializes in sleep disorders (oddly enough I was watching Sleepwalk with me....) and who is also a bona fide Bollywood star (or has stolen this guy's identity) and a Rocket Scientist (lol, a bona fide one) who informed me after reading my profile that Julia Roberts did a PBS special/series on Mongolia (I hadn't known that), a guy who has a business and law degree who is 63 and looks 40 who works for the NFL and says he has a company jet (I believe it) who was raised in New Orleans by an Italian grandmother, and a film maker who lives in Berlin, and also a business intelligence guy who lives very close to me but who is slow and mysterious (it took him a while to post a photo...) I also met a guy from Hawaii who is a tree hugger but of course he's not interested in relocating but who can blame him. The guys I've met on Match are okay but they understand it is going to take someone special to click with me. I'm looking for the white picket fence in terms of a stable relationship, but once you get through the gate it's rather eccentric, and that's IF I'm home and not off on some adventure. It will happen. lol.


----------



## Freak On a Leash

working_together said:


> I don't want some guy who doesn't give a crap about how he looks, wants to sponge off of me, and sits around drinking beer all day.


Oh great!  So you dated my STBXH huh?  :rofl:


----------



## Freak On a Leash

working_together said:


> Be careful with guys who just want to text or email..it's a red flag for wanting something casual. He should want to talk on the phone, and regularly.


Actually, that's fine with me. I HATE talking on the phone, especially on a regular basis. That would drive me nuts. I encourage emailing/texting. I want to make plans and then go DO something. I'm not into idle chit chat, especially on the phone. 

I WANT to be casual. I'm not at all interested in getting remarried. All I want is to go out with a nice, fun guy and have some fun! I've seen this guy at 3 Meetup.com events and each time we talked and had fun together. That was a good sign because most guys haven't impressed me. He's even fairly good looking. Could lose a few pounds but ok, that's not a problem. He looks good in a suit (was wearing a suit on NYE). 

At the end of the second event he told me that he'd like to "date" me. Ok, sounds good. I didn't play games. I said "sure". He wanted to see me the very next day but I had plans and said we'd see each other the day after, at the New Years Eve party we were both going to. 

That was two weeks ago. I know he's had his kids with him here and there so I understand about that. We've texted/emailed and he says he'd like to see me again and he would check with his Ex about his schedule with the kids. I said "Ok, let me know when it's good for you". The other day he emailed me and says "I've got the kids Friday night and have Saturday off. I'm going to be at the bar for the Meetup event this Saturday." I'd signed up for it on the website and I guess he knew that but... 

Hello? :scratchhead: What happened to wanting to date? He brought it up in passing when we texted but he has yet to come up with anything concrete. :wtf: Going to the same Meetup event is NOT a date. 

If he was wanting to give it more time to get to know me I can understand but why tell me at least twice that you want to date me? 

I've been out of this game a long time but I've got a friend who started seeing someone around the same time I met this guy and she's been to dinner with him twice, went to an off Broadway play with him and is going to dinner and a movie tonight. 

That's more what I've had in mind. Maybe not so intense but a nice hike or dinner would be nice. I even mentioned that I haven't seen _The Hobbit_ and wouldn't mind going when the topic of movies came up. Nope...nothing. 

So I don't he's even "casual". I think he's nonexistant. :rofl:


----------



## MSC71

working_together said:


> Hey...that's not fair..lol Yes, I put on my profile I want an attractive, fit, and intelligent man in my life. I ask that he be confident and witty. These things are a must for me, I take care of myself, I am attractive, slim, and I have a decent paying job. I don't want some guy who doesn't give a crap about how he looks, wants to sponge off of me, and sits around drinking beer all day. I won't settle for anything less. I work hard on myself, so should men.
> 
> phew, glad I got that off of my chest....


Nothing wrong with that. Its only a problem if one person is obese but they want to find someone who is fit.


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## working_together

Freak On a Leash said:


> Oh great!  So you dated my STBXH huh?  :rofl:


lol, I never dated someone like that, I can spot that sh*t a mile a way.


----------



## Freak On a Leash

working_together said:


> lol, I never dated someone like that, I can spot that sh*t a mile a way.


He wasn't always like that, just in the past few years.


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## Freak On a Leash

BTW, the guy I was supposed to "meet up" with at the Meetup event texted me a few hours beforehand and told me he was sick. Well, at least he did that. No mention of anything else. 

Oh well..I'm not holding my breath on this one. I went and had a great time. Meetup is great for making friends and meeting people in general. I vastly prefer it over doing something online. 

And even when you meet someone and spend time with them there's no guarantees.


----------



## MSC71

Freak On a Leash said:


> BTW, the guy I was supposed to "meet up" with at the Meetup event texted me a few hours beforehand and told me he was sick. Well, at least he did that. No mention of anything else.
> 
> Oh well..I'm not holding my breath on this one. I went and had a great time. Meetup is great for making friends and meeting people in general. I vastly prefer it over doing something online.
> 
> And even when you meet someone and spend time with them there's no guarantees.


The fact that he let you know he wasn't going is a good sign IMO.


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## Freak On a Leash

MSC71 said:


> The fact that he let you know he wasn't going is a good sign IMO.


:iagree: I agree completely but the ball is solidly in his court now. I'm not texting or emailing him. If he does actually want to "date" me then it's on him. 

If not, well...don't know why he asked and never followed up but it's not my concern.


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## working_together

MSC71 said:


> The fact that he let you know he wasn't going is a good sign IMO.


Just because he has some manners really doesn't indicate he's ready for a relationship. Mr. Unavailable had great manners, cooked wonderful dinners, took me to nice places. But, he didn't want a committed relationship.


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## working_together

QUOTE=Freak On a Leash;1359846]:iagree: I agree completely but the ball is solidly in his court now. I'm not texting or emailing him. If he does actually want to "date" me then it's on him. 

If not, well...don't know why he asked and never followed up but it's not my concern.[/QUOTE]



I think it's a good idea, let him chase you a bit now, isn't that what men want anyway??

Just remember the games people play when dating, sometimes they're waiting for something better to come along, so they really never committ to anything, or cancel at the last minute.


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## Freak On a Leash

working_together said:


> Mr. Unavailable had great manners, cooked wonderful dinners, took me to nice places. But, he didn't want a committed relationship.


Sounds good to me! :smthumbup: I'm not looking to be "committed" either. I just want to be with someone who is fun and has things in common with me.

I don't want to live with or marry the guy. I just think that if someone says "Do you want to date me?" that they should actually ask me out on a DATE! :rofl:

It's not a matter of playing games or getting him to chase me. I'm just losing interest. He expressed interest and hasn't followed through so I'm assuming he's either lost interest or doesn't know what the heck to do. :scratchhead:

I begged and pleaded for my husband to show interest in our relationship for years. I'm done playing that game. If this guy can't figure it out on his own then it's his problem, not mine and it's not meant to be.


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## happysnappy

My experience with online dating has been that it is full of emotionally unavailable people (maybe I am too who knows). I feel sorry for the guys. Us girls have it fairly easy I think.


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## pastflame

Well here is some contradictory comments on my part! but here go's.

Online dating has got to be the worst way to start a meaningful relationship (even though I met my wife on line!!).

I would not recommend on-line dating to my Children or close friends.... actually anyone that asked me!

My wife was the very first person I had any personal contact with on line, I did chat a couple times with other wemon but just idle stuff, I came out of a 30 yr relationship with my ex wife, after friend pressure to check out on-line I did, 6 weeks or so after I met my wife, I was to say the least very naive and in- experienced about the on-line dating game.

I fell in love with my wife almost right away, before I really found out her history, it took about a year to find out just the on-line experiences she had (old e-mails, old phone texts, old letters, old pictures etc ). she had been online dating for 6yrs.

WOW... her online dating was a separate world I found, a circle of people that all seem to understand the game and the rules, it appears to be a forget club, a denial club, a disposable club, very much a promiscuous club!! sucking the new insecure mislead people in as they go! almost a cult than a club lol.

The problem is its all fake, everyone says they are looking for Mr/Mrs RIGHT! but most know it will likley never happen since they know and understand the game but they choose to play anyway, most are people looking for the Honymoon stage continually, they know when this runs out they can move on since there will always be someone new looking for a fresh `Honymoon`relationship !! there is no sense of long term, no sense of loyalty or bonding, it is simply about `sex and pretending you have a perfect fulfilling relationship!

Here is the issue, `BAGGAGE`big time baggage here! I had to go through the ringer with my wife, now she loved me also thats why we did stick together but, I had to live through all the ghosts of her EXs and their sex flings, she had many more than I ever thought and I had to be corrected on on their mistakes (see she had so many disappointments that I was not going to disappoint her) so everything they did wrong to her, if I even gave a hint that I `might turn out that way, I would get the third degree!! BAGGAGE!!

Anyway I could go on forever and ever about all the reasons why online dating is the absolute worst place to find a good healthy relationship, there is too much history in these people, most full of disappointment and failed relationships, they build up unnecessary blockades and barriers that dont promote a healthy beginning and most tend to tell an abundance of little `white lies` to keep you in the dark.

If online dating did not key on SEX as its first prerequisite, it probably would be a much more successful tool, but everyone knows if you are online dating and have been on it for a while, you must put out` to stay in the game, sex in the first 3 dates is the rule of thumb, otherwise you will have to move on, so if you feel a little chemistry with that person, jump in the sack as soon as possible to keep in the game!! LOL so sad, but, so true!

So there`s my contradictions, on-line is the worst, it is a free and legal form of socially excepted prostitution...ouch!! but yes , I met my wife there, we have our issues for sure, there are lies we need to deal with yet, a full bond likley will never happen, if I was not so naive in the beginning, I am sure things would be different, I tend to honor my love for someone and not just toss them aside, but yes I have my complaints and issue with it, thats why I vent here and not torture her!


----------



## Holland

pastflame it was not the online dating that was the issue, it was your naivety as you said.

Online can be a very positive experience but you need to have your boundaries and rules in place before you get involved with it. It is also a learning experience and I can see that it could well eat up emotionally weaker people.

It is only an introductory step. After that it is up to the individual to work out of the other person is a good match for them, you cannot blame a computer if you make a mistake.

I know of plenty of very happy and healthy relationships that began as online meets. I know of plenty of unhappy relationships that began as conventional meets through friends etc. You cannot blame the method of meeting for a crappy relationship, that blame is with the people in the relationship.


----------



## Pbartender

Freak On a Leash said:


> So if you want to pursue this then take some positive steps but something tells me you are still unsure and are just looking to go out and have some fun and there's NOTHING wrong with that but keep that in mind. If you want to see her again, great..but sooner than later you will need to tell her where you stand.
> 
> And there's nothing wrong with where you stand. IMO, you are reacting and feeling things that are completely normal. Take it slow and don't rush and don't do anything your gut tells you not to do.
> 
> Just have fun and good luck!


*UPDATE:*

So, I did call the Bankress back over the weekend. She seemed happy to hear from me. We had a very enjoyable conversation about this and that and whatever for about half an hour or so, until my mother landed on call waiting and I had to cut things short... 

Before saying goodbye, I did tell her had a lot of fun at the movies with her, and if she would like to get together for coffee or lunch or something sometime just give me a call and let me know when she's got time free.

I didn't talk to her about the weirdness. That's something I'd rather do face to face, I think... or am I being to finicky about it? Now, she did help me with some divorce-related banking business (that's how we first got to talking), so she knows I'm divorcing but not quite divorced yet. And she does know I've got two teenagers at home.

I'll be sure to bring it up the next time we meet in person... As you said, best for both of us to be clear on the situation, before it goes too much farther.



Pb.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

I'd been wait-listed for an overnight XC ski trip with the AMC. Heard yesterday I was first on wait list and got a spot. Sent in my check. Am now committed to spending afternoon and night (dinner, skiing under full moon, socializing) and next day with a group of people I don't know. lol. I think it's a good idea to get to know people, you can see how they interact with others and handle themselves in a group, whether they drink to excess, fart too much or snore, how much in shape they might be, etc.

My boyfriend I lost to the brain hemorrhage used to go on a lot of AMC kayaking overnights. He said a lot of the women on those trips were looking to date/have sex, but he also said a lot of them had herpes. I forget what else he said, but it seemed like he'd been disappointed. He couldn't speak for the men, of course, only himself. I suppose I'll find out, unless of course aside from the leader, it's all women. :-o But in that case maybe I can meet people to go out and do things with. At the very least, I'll get out for the night and get to have a bit of a party and be outdoors and use my arctic weight sleeping bag


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## lonewolf8545

I have to say I've met some really nice people with on line dating. Yes, I did have a bad experience on one date (woman drank too much and threw up), but that was it in almost 3 years of dating. 

For me at least the dating part is pretty easy, but when it starts getting into a relationship most people in the 40's have been scared by something (myself included) and at some point it comes into play.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

I invited two guys I know irl to the same contra dance. I don't want to date either one of them but they both dance and I'm friendly with them. They know it's not a date. This is how I lived when I was young and a lieutenant and not into dating but liked to go out and there was a bad man to woman ratio (military.) I often just said I am going to the movies, invited a few people, see you there! 

I think from guy's perspective if you're with a woman and another guy you're much more approachable to a single woman, than if you are just one guy and one woman. 

Online dating hasn't really been working out for me.

I've met some really nice guys on eHarmony but they are kind of far away. I'm really hoping I'll just hit it off with someone irl.

I wish there was some kind of site where I could just say...looking for someone to snowboard tomorrow from 3-7. Meet me there!

Update: I put an ad for a board/ski buddy on CL/Platonic.
We'll see if anyone materializes.


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## lonewolf8545

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> I wish there was some kind of site where I could just say...looking for someone to snowboard tomorrow from 3-7. Meet me there!
> 
> Update: I put an ad for a board/ski buddy on CL/Platonic.
> We'll see if anyone materializes.


Have you tried Meetup.com? Its a great place to meet people irl. They have a group for any interest, including skiing.

That's my favorite way to meet new people. Social setting, no pressure, just relaxing and having fun.


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## happysnappy

I have made some incredible friends through online dating. You must have your self esteem intact. I also met my SO there and he is a huge blessing to me. Had sick kids today and he came and brought sprite and crackers etc. absolute doll. Neither of us is in a rush to move in nor were we rushing into a physical relationship.


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## Freak On a Leash

Pbartender said:


> *UPDATE:*
> 
> had a very enjoyable conversation about this and that and whatever for about half an hour or so, until my mother landed on call waiting and I had to cut things short...
> 
> Before saying goodbye, I did tell her had a lot of fun at the movies with her, and if she would like to get together for coffee or lunch or something sometime just give me a call and let me know when she's got time free.
> 
> I didn't talk to her about the weirdness. That's something I'd rather do face to face, I think... or am I being to finicky about it?
> 
> I'll be sure to bring it up the next time we meet in person... As you said, best for both of us to be clear on the situation, before it goes too much farther.
> 
> Pb.


Personally, I'd give it a little more time. Let her get to know you and you get to know her more. You don't want to come off as weird or melodramatic. 

I'm just trying to think of how I'd react if a guy I'd had all of 2 or 3 conversations with and seen maybe twice socially started to talk to me about his feelings or apprehensions. I'd think it was a bit over the top. It would def set my radar off. 

I'd play it cool for now and if it progresses to a point where you feel it's uncomfortable to take it to another level and you know/trust her better than say something. You don't want to scare her off. You definitely do not want to have this sort of conversation over the phone. 

In other words, in talking about your "weirdness" you don't want her to think you're weird.


----------



## Freak On a Leash

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> I'd been wait-listed for an overnight XC ski trip with the AMC. Heard yesterday I was first on wait list and got a spot. Sent in my check. Am now committed to spending afternoon and night (dinner, skiing under full moon, socializing) and next day with a group of people I don't know. lol. I think it's a good idea to get to know people, you can see how they interact with others and handle themselves in a group, whether they drink to excess, fart too much or snore, how much in shape they might be, etc.


I've been in this situation a lot over the years with various clubs and I've gotten to the point where I don't like to be "trapped" with a group of people...I always take my own car and stay in my own room or tent so that I can "escape" if I want to. I always like to keep the option of socializing and often I do but I want the option of having solitude if I require it. 

I never, ever, share a cabin or room with people I don't know. I know a lot of people will car pool and share living space with someone they've never met before but that is definitely NOT my style. I shared a campsite with another couple during a camping/kayaking trip last April but that's unusual. It worked out well enough, but when I went again in September I got my own site, which I vastly prefered. 

Usually it works out pretty good. I'm with you about getting to know people first. I got friendly with one woman in a car club and she asked me several times to share a hotel room with her to save costs. It was only after about a year of knowing her well that I finally took her up on her offer and we did very well together but I had to consider her a friend first. 



> My boyfriend I lost to the brain hemorrhage used to go on a lot of AMC kayaking overnights. He said a lot of the women on those trips were looking to date/have sex, but he also said a lot of them had herpes.


Wow.  I've been to many kayaking events with my various clubs and meetup groups, often they are overnight camping trips and paddling events and I have NEVER witnessed such things. I have met some really nice cool people and about the only things I've ever seen is some partying, drinking, etc. No sex and everyone acted in a discreet and civilized manner. My kayaking buddies (both men and woman) are among my closest friends and while there has been some dating here and there it's nothing out of the ordinary. 

As far as the ski trip goes, it sounds like fun but I don't think I'd do that with a bunch of people I don't know. I went last year alone on a trip to Gore Mountain and had a nice time. I'm willing to do stuff on my own. I have traveled all over on my own for years and would rather do that than risk being stuck with people I might now like or get along with.


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## Freak On a Leash

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> I wish there was some kind of site where I could just say...looking for someone to snowboard tomorrow from 3-7. Meet me there!


That's exactly what we do on Meetup.com. That's it's whole purpose. I do everything from kayaking, hiking to drinking, dinner and dancing. There's even a divorce support group through Meetup and tons of singles groups as well. I spent New Years with my Meetup group and had a blast. It works out great! I've met some REALLY nice people and have had a lot of fun. It's very low pressure and it's free


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

I looked at meetup.com and there's only one ski meetup. They go to many different ski areas. I have a pass to the ski area in my town which is 10 minutes away. So I'm not interested in going to other areas, as I would have to drive and also buy tickets there. 

re ski trip. I don't mind spending the night with people I don't know. Once I went to a women's retreat and the director had a new center which didn't yet have overnight winter accommodations. So we got put up in a B&B and I paired up to have a roommate to have a lower cost, and to be social. The innkeeper didn't understand that just because the director is lesbian, that it wasn't a lesbian retreat. So I ended up sleeping in a nice comfy bed with another woman. lol. In a small place there are only so many beds and so many options.

I'm gearing up for a trip to Mongolia in a year so want to experience how it will be on the road, which will definitely involve spending the night with lots of people I don't know.

With the kayaking trips my friend told me about, it's not that the sex took place at the overnights, it's that the women were always trying to hit on him for separate dates, and obviously he took some of these women out and it turns out they had herpes. I guess it happened often enough for him to mention it to me. (We were pretty good friends before we became lovers. We used to talk about everything.)

For most outdoor activities like hiking, biking, climbing, kayaking, xs skiing I use the AMC. But I don't think they have groups for downhill. I should check.

One thing I need to do before going to Mongolia is to get my Wilderness First Aid certificate.


----------



## Pbartender

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> I looked at meetup.com and there's only one ski meetup. They go to many different ski areas. I have a pass to the ski area in my town which is 10 minutes away. So I'm not interested in going to other areas, as I would have to drive and also buy tickets there.


So, join the group anyway, and suggest a meetup at the ski area that you have a pass for! Make the mountain come to Mohammed, so to speak.



Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> With the kayaking trips my friend told me about, it's not that the sex took place at the overnights, it's that the women were always trying to hit on him for separate dates, and obviously he took some of these women out and it turns out they had herpes. I guess it happened often enough for him to mention it to me.







Pb.


----------



## COguy

Freak On a Leash said:


> Personally, I'd give it a little more time. Let her get to know you and you get to know her more. You don't want to come off as weird or melodramatic.
> 
> I'm just trying to think of how I'd react if a guy I'd had all of 2 or 3 conversations with and seen maybe twice socially started to talk to me about his feelings or apprehensions. I'd think it was a bit over the top. It would def set my radar off.
> 
> I'd play it cool for now and if it progresses to a point where you feel it's uncomfortable to take it to another level and you know/trust her better than say something. You don't want to scare her off. You definitely do not want to have this sort of conversation over the phone.
> 
> In other words, in talking about your "weirdness" you don't want her to think you're weird.


Agreed, too much too soon. Could tell from your post you were already falling too hard too fast. Take it slow man...

Date more than one girl at a time so you don't get too caught up in one.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

Pbartender said:


> So, join the group anyway, and suggest a meetup at the ski area that you have a pass for! Make the mountain come to Mohammed, so to speak.
> 
> 
> 
> Pb.



The place where they meet is over an hour away. I would rather be skiing than going to a meetup at a restaurant to talk about skiing! They do once a year come to my town's ski area for skiing. There are many many other places to go to ski for them. I would never join a group with the intention of trying to change it so that it worked for me, when that's clearly not going to happen. I cannot afford to be driving to restaurants and paying for meals to talk about skiing, lol. It's a matter of priorities here, when I have free time I want to be skiing/boarding. I think the CL ad may or may not attract someone. If not, I'm perfectly okay going over to the mountain and taking my board/skis out and keeping myself company thinking about this, that, and the other thing. Usually you can meet someone on the lift. I can't be the only person who goes to ski on my own. There's always the patrols who are around to hang out with.

What does "Pb" mean?


----------



## Pbartender

Freak On a Leash said:


> So if you want to pursue this then take some positive steps but something tells me you are still unsure and are just looking to go out and have some fun and there's NOTHING wrong with that but keep that in mind. If you want to see her again, great..but sooner than later you will need to tell her where you stand.





Freak On a Leash said:


> Personally, I'd give it a little more time. Let her get to know you and you get to know her more. You don't want to come off as weird or melodramatic.
> 
> I'm just trying to think of how I'd react if a guy I'd had all of 2 or 3 conversations with and seen maybe twice socially started to talk to me about his feelings or apprehensions. I'd think it was a bit over the top. It would def set my radar off.
> 
> I'd play it cool for now and if it progresses to a point where you feel it's uncomfortable to take it to another level and you know/trust her better than say something. You don't want to scare her off.


Wait... what? :scratchhead:

Which one? Tell her where I stand sooner rather than later? Or give it a little more time? I'm confused.



Freak On a Leash said:


> You definitely do not want to have this sort of conversation over the phone.


At least I got that much right. 



Freak On a Leash said:


> In other words, in talking about your "weirdness" you don't want her to think you're weird.


I think she's already figured that one out.



COguy said:


> Agreed, too much too soon. Could tell from your post you were already falling too hard too fast. Take it slow man...


I'm trying...

It doesn't _feel_ like I'm falling for her -- at least not in the traditional sense -- yet. But I'll admit the attention she shows me is certainly intoxicating. But for now, I'm also comfortable keeping the relationship at the level of friends who go on "dates".

I'm certain, though, whether or not _she_ is falling for _me_... And if she is, as Freak suggested earlier, I don't want to lead her on thinking that this is something it's not (yet?).

Oh, and while I'm not exactly dating any other girls yet, I am getting out and socializing... If I find others who are interested, I likely will.



Pb.


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## Chuck71

It's new PB. So everything is magnified. Everything is weird. You'll feel like you're in junior high all over again. Plan it as a friends only date....try to keep it a friend date. If there is a spark.....both will know it.


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## zillard

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> The place where they meet is over an hour away. I would rather be skiing than going to a meetup at a restaurant to talk about skiing! They do once a year come to my town's ski area for skiing. There are many many other places to go to ski for them. I would never join a group with the intention of trying to change it so that it worked for me, when that's clearly not going to happen.


Then start a Meetup group for your ski area and see if anyone joins! If not... what have you lost?


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## Pbartender

Chuck71 said:


> It's new PB. So everything is magnified. Everything is weird. You'll feel like you're in junior high all over again. Plan it as a friends only date....try to keep it a friend date. If there is a spark.....both will know it.


Oh, absolutely... I fully realize that... That why I keep coming back here for advice... You guys go a long way to make sure I'm not getting carried away with myself.



Pb.


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## Pbartender

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> What does "Pb" mean?


Oh, now you've opened a can of worms... I get to prove to everyone here just exactly how weird I actually am.

I like to "sign" my posts and emails...  "Pb" is just short for "Pbartender". And the easiest way to explain _that_ would be... "Pbartender" is to antimatter, as shepherd is to sheep.

See? It's a bad pun, a candidate for geekiest nickname ever, and a reference to a job that's the closest thing you can get to Star Trek in the Real World... all rolled into one. :loser:

Now, aren't you glad you asked? 



Pb.


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

Pbartender said:


> Oh, now you've opened a can of worms... I get to prove to everyone here just exactly how weird I actually am.
> 
> I like to "sign" my posts and emails...  "Pb" is just short for "Pbartender". And the easiest way to explain _that_ would be... "Pbartender" is to antimatter, as shepherd is to sheep.
> 
> See? It's a bad pun, a candidate for geekiest nickname ever, and a reference to a job that's the closest thing you can get to Star Trek in the Real World... all rolled into one. :loser:
> 
> Now, aren't you glad you asked?
> 
> Pb.


So, you are the guy who is going to explain quantum mechanics to me and the theory of non-locality? I'll have it on the rocks, with salt please. What is it that you do??????

I'm actually on the verge of writing an essay about changing the world from one's salad bowl (splitting apart pools of olive oil...lol) and encouraging the cells of the body to do their own repair jobs (surgery) without any incisions and how the next step in language is probably a regression now that we have YouTube but also how the next generation of computers is going to plug into us and serve as receivers for information that's being sent to us, sort of as a channel selector for humans who aren't evolved enough to do this without assistance. ;-) (Some of us are.)


----------



## Pbartender

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> What is it that you do??????


I wrestle with lightning bolts... Sometimes I win. :smthumbup:



Pb.


----------



## working_together

Holland said:


> pastflame it was not the online dating that was the issue, it was your naivety as you said.
> 
> Online can be a very positive experience but you need to have your boundaries and rules in place before you get involved with it. It is also a learning experience and I can see that it could well eat up emotionally weaker people.
> 
> It is only an introductory step. After that it is up to the individual to work out of the other person is a good match for them, you cannot blame a computer if you make a mistake.
> 
> I know of plenty of very happy and healthy relationships that began as online meets. I know of plenty of unhappy relationships that began as conventional meets through friends etc. You cannot blame the method of meeting for a crappy relationship, that blame is with the people in the relationship.


I totally agree with this, because some people have crazy experiences, they seem to generalize. I also agree that there are people out there for sex only, but it's obvious, and you weed them out. You can meet someone with "baggage" anywhere, dating site or not.

Like I always say, I met a few nice guys on a dating site, did we click? no, but I am picky. lol. Then I met a nice guy a couple of months ago, and we clicked.

I just hate that some people present a horrible image of online dating based on their own experiences. It ruins it for other people.


----------



## Lon

Pbartender said:


> I wrestle with lightning bolts... Sometimes I win. :smthumbup:
> 
> 
> 
> Pb.


This reminds me of those linemen who don a faraday cage and hook themselves up to live high voltage lines all while dangling underneath a helicopter.


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

I am trying to online date but it doesn't go real well.

I started in on those contra dances. lol.

Tomorrow I'm going to hit the slopes with my snowboard for a little bit on my work break. I want to practice the preliminaries to jumping/freestyling. I took an online lesson from snowboardprofessor.com :-o How's that for a pick-up line?

The Quakers are having a state-wide meeting next Saturday.
I hate to say it, but it's probably a good place to at least meet people who share similar values. I went to a New Year's party at a different Meeting, and met people there, who will know people, so it's possible I'll get an introduction, you never know. At the very least, perhaps I can make some same-sex friends, to do things with once in a while. 

I have some time in between that meeting and a contra dance, so will probably go to a coffee bar and hang out and do some reading or writing. I did notice at one place that there are a lot of guys hanging around. I've tried to make a habit of going to these two places. The one I like more is not as popular, but it would make a good pick-up line at the more popular place...have you ever been over to .....? 

I did send a message today to a guy on Match that seemed interesting and attractive.


----------



## Freak On a Leash

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> . I can't be the only person who goes to ski on my own.


:smthumbup: Nope, you are not. I almost always ski on my own. I ski with my daughter, who I got into skiing when she was 7. Other than that I ski by myself. I like skiing on my own because I can set my own pace. I always meet interesting people on the lifts to talk to and then I'm off on my own. 

Meetup.com didn't work for me with skiing. For one, the ski trips were always on weekends. I have Thurs-Sundays off. I haven't skiied on a weekend in 20 years. I envy you being 10 minutes away from the slopes. I LOVE to ski and don't do it nearly as often as I'd like. 

I'm at least 90 minutes-2 hours away so for me to spend the money on gas, lift tickets, food and then drive I dont want to deal with the crowds and hassles of weekend ski trips so I'll take off early on a Wednesday, ski Thurs-Friday and come back on Saturday. Once a year I go on a week long ski trip and go on Sunday, ski midweek and come back home on the following Friday. You get the best deals and prices and NO crowds. 

The AMC group I belong to does do an occasional midweek trip to a ski place I like but the one time they've done it so far (last week) this season I went away skiing with my daughter! Since then the temps have risen up to the 60s and the conditions are (once again) awful. 

It's supposed to get cold again so I'm hoping I'll be able to do a trip at the end of this month or in February. Unfortunately with my impending divorce and having my son living me and a tight budget I can only do day trips now. I was originally planning to take a ski trip with my daughter on her break but ONCE AGAIN my STBXH's antics ruined yet another outing. 

Soon he will be history so hopefully that get better. 

I want to eventually move to ski country for a number of reasons. I hate winters here on the Jersey Shore. It's just damp and wet and disgusting. I actually want to be where there is WINTER..not just fog and cold rain. I bought snowshoes two years ago and have YET to use them because we haven't had any real snowfall in years. 

Meetup.com didn't work for me for hiking either. Like skiing I like to set my own pace when hiking, stop when I want to, etc. . Some of these hiking groups act like they are on the Bataan death march. I don't hike like I'm on a forced march. Also almost every "hike" turned into a million man march with something like 30 or more people on them. I like to actually look around and enjoy the scenery and want solitude when I'm in the woods. 

For stuff like kayaking, the occasional camping trip and going to bars, restaurants and to see a band I love meetup. I like to socialize and get out and Meetup allows me to do this in a safe, acceptable environment.


----------



## Freak On a Leash

Pbartender said:


> Wait... what? :scratchhead:
> 
> Which one? Tell her where I stand sooner rather than later? Or give it a little more time? I'm confused.
> 
> I'm certain, though, whether or not _she_ is falling for _me_... And if she is, as Freak suggested earlier, I don't want to lead her on thinking that this is something it's not (yet?).


Did you read the rest of what I wrote? I'm not saying don't have a conversation at some point. I'm saying to WAIT until you actually feel the need to. Right now you've talked to her a few times, gone out once and you are going to start talking about feelings? That in itself just comes across as weird. 

_If and when_ the situation presents itself then go ahead but it might not get to that point at all. Don't jump the gun and scare her off. It sounds like she is in the same mindset as you are and just wants to start off friendly. 

So yeah, make it later rather than now. There's no reason to do it now from what I can see. 

Men who get melodramatic and "touchy feely" are men I don't want to get involved with at all. I want to go out and have fun. If you want to do that too, then just do it and don't overthink it. 

If it progresses to a point where you feel the need to explain yourself (one example is IF she starts getting more serious than you are and you want to set things straight) then bring it up. 

But otherwise, if it ain't broke, don't fix it.


----------



## Freak On a Leash

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> .
> 
> I'm gearing up for a trip to Mongolia in a year so want to experience how it will be on the road, which will definitely involve spending the night with lots of people I don't know.


That is totally cool! :smthumbup: I can see that you'd want to be in the right mindset for that. I've stayed in hostels to save money. It's interesting but I've noticed that most people who do this give others their space, even if you are actually physically sharing space. Occasionally you get the "chattie cathys" who are looking to know your business or talk you to death but I'm really good at dealing with that, probably a bit TOO good. 

I've traveled all all over alone a lot over the years and have learned to deal with strangers fairly well. Traveling is something I love and miss a lot now that I am stuck at home more but in a few years I plan to make some major changes in my life that will allow me to pursue the lifestyle I want to live. 

My divorce is just the first step.


----------



## Pbartender

Freak On a Leash said:


> Did you read the rest of what I wrote? I'm not saying don't have a conversation at some point. I'm saying to WAIT until you actually feel the need to. Right now you've talked to her a few times, gone out once and you are going to start talking about feelings? That in itself just comes across as weird...
> 
> ...Men who get melodramatic and "touchy feely" are men I don't want to get involved with at all. I want to go out and have fun. If you want to do that too, then just do it and don't overthink it.


Oh, Good Heavens, No!

I wasn't intending a mooshy-shmooshy feelings talk!

I'm looking at more of a making sure sure she understands that I'm not-quite-divorced-yet, that STBXW is still living at home, that I've got two kids, etc, etc... 

I thought it might be a good idea to be clear about the weirdness of the _situation and circumstances_, not the weirdness of my own personal feelings, and make sure it's all kosher with her, even if/though we're just going out on "friendly" dates.

I did read it all... I was just confused. It seemed like earlier you were saying "do it soon!" and now you were saying "Wait!" No worries.



Pb.


----------



## Enchanted

Pbartender said:


> Oh, Good Heavens, No!
> 
> I wasn't intending a mooshy-shmooshy feelings talk!
> 
> I'm looking at more of a making sure sure she understands that I'm not-quite-divorced-yet, that STBXW is still living at home, that I've got two kids, etc, etc...
> 
> I thought it might be a good idea to be clear about the weirdness of the _situation and circumstances_, not the weirdness of my own personal feelings, and make sure it's all kosher with her, even if/though we're just going out on "friendly" dates.
> 
> I did read it all... I was just confused. It seemed like earlier you were saying "do it soon!" and now you were saying "Wait!" No worries.
> 
> 
> 
> Pb.


If you're not divorced and your wife still lives at home it's too soon to date IMO.


----------



## Pbartender

Enchanted said:


> If you're not divorced and your wife still lives at home it's too soon to date IMO.


As is so often the case around here, there's an awful lot more going on than just "not divorced; wife lives at home".

It's not a decision I've come to lightly, and in my case, at least, "dating" consists of going to one movie with a woman I met and talking with her on the phone a couple of times. Nothing more, nothing less.


Pb.


----------



## COguy

Pbartender said:


> As is so often the case around here, there's an awful lot more going on than just "not divorced; wife lives at home".
> 
> It's not a decision I've come to lightly, and in my case, at least, "dating" consists of going to one movie with a woman I met and talking with her on the phone a couple of times. Nothing more, nothing less.
> 
> 
> Pb.


Don't kid yourself, you were gaga after one date. Chillax a bit....


----------



## Pbartender

COguy said:


> Don't kid yourself, you were gaga after one date. Chillax a bit....


Oh, no doubt I was... And I am.

It really was just a movie with a friendly lady, and I hope there's more of just that, but man...

It was like taking a shot of whiskey after decades of teetotaling. POW! WHAM! And it all went straight to my head for a bit.

I have to say, I now have a keen understanding how easy a trap emotional affairs can be to fall into.


Pb.


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

Freak On a Leash said:


> That is totally cool! :smthumbup: I can see that you'd want to be in the right mindset for that. I've stayed in hostels to save money. It's interesting but I've noticed that most people who do this give others their space, even if you are actually physically sharing space. Occasionally you get the "chattie cathys" who are looking to know your business or talk you to death but I'm really good at dealing with that, probably a bit TOO good.
> 
> I've traveled all all over alone a lot over the years and have learned to deal with strangers fairly well. Traveling is something I love and miss a lot now that I am stuck at home more but in a few years I plan to make some major changes in my life that will allow me to pursue the lifestyle I want to live.
> 
> My divorce is just the first step.


I booked a trip to a conference today. I'm staying in a hostel just under a mile away from the conference hotel (one I've been to before I think, kids in tow, in spring 2001 when I did my big West Coast trip.) I think it will be fun to be with other people who are interested in what I'm interested in, and as a bonus there is a sort of film festival, all the films focusing on the topic of the conference. (Asian Studies with a breakout session on Mongolia.) I'm hoping to present a poster about my research ideas and to gain interest and to make contacts. I want to interview people from organizations or who are personally involved with Mongolia, before going over to Mongolia, in order to circulate a resource of sorts to people I will end up interviewing in Mongolia as part of the journalism internship I want to do this summer. Now I have no intention of being a journalist, BUT, if you want to do a lot of research in a short amount of time and talk to people about a variety of subjects that might not be related in anyone's mind but your own and a very select other few people, get a press pass! 

Anyway, I wasn't thinking about the dating aspect of this. But... it's a conference, and I'm single, and chances are I'll meet someone who will be in the same place at the same time as me for most of the summer. lol. I'm kind of hoping to find a research job for after I graduate, that has to do with Mongolia, so that I can keep myself occupied until and if I start my PhD. If I get a really good job that kicks a** I won't even bother doing a PhD until my kids are out of the house, then I'll INDULGE.

In the dating world, I corresponded today with a rocket scientist who has actually been to China to help with their manned space program. (My eldest son's father was involved with some missile launching over there, including the one that exploded :rofl


----------



## nice777guy

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> I booked a trip to a conference today. I'm staying in a hostel just under a mile away from the conference hotel


Ever seen the movie Hostel???


----------



## Bafuna

My problem with online dating is this: There are profiles that were craeted in 2004 and these people ate still logging in, IMO its either online dating is not working out (for them?) or they are just lurking around preying on new and naiive online daters.

Im sceptical.
For those who met partners online, at what point did you stop visiting the site.


----------



## Holland

Bafuna when I met my partner I stopped looking online after the second date. When we agreed to be exclusive I closed my account as did he.

I get the being skeptical thing, I was too and still think it is a great place to find easy sex. It was just one of those things that SO and I met, neither of us were looking for a relationship out of online dating but we both realised fairly quickly that we had found something very special.


----------



## Bafuna

I think you were one of the lucky ones. I recently joined a dating site (paying) and am not enjoying it much, decided I'd pay if someone communicated with me who I think is interesting, but Im yet to meet someone worth subscribing for. 

Recently however I joined a social networking site and am actually chatting with guys online and finding it lots of fun, but I worry sometimes guys want to get your number before you've exchanged 5 lines and that so not me.

Ive also discovered some post that they are single when they are actually married, how is that, a guy actually confessed and I said your profile says you're sinlge and he says yea that just a disguise, I mean REALLY!


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

nice777guy said:


> Ever seen the movie Hostel???


No, but I read the plot just now.
B movie?


----------



## nice777guy

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> No, but I read the plot just now.
> B movie?


Basically - yes. If someone offers you NSA sex while you're there - don't do it!!!


----------



## nice777guy

Bafuna said:


> I think you were one of the lucky ones. I recently joined a dating site (paying) and am not enjoying it much, decided I'd pay if someone communicated with me who I think is interesting, but Im yet to meet someone worth subscribing for.
> 
> Recently however I joined a social networking site and am actually chatting with guys online and finding it lots of fun, but I worry sometimes guys want to get your number before you've exchanged 5 lines and that so not me.
> 
> Ive also discovered some post that they are single when they are actually married, how is that, a guy actually confessed and I said your profile says you're sinlge and he says yea that just a disguise, I mean REALLY!


I thought the pay sites actually did some screening for the "married/single" thing. Sounds like the free sites are twice as bad in that regard.


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

nice777guy said:


> Basically - yes. If someone offers you NSA sex while you're there - don't do it!!!


I'm staying at the hostel but the conference is in a hotel. Chances are anyone I meet would be at the conference! I'm staying in a women's dorm at the hostel. There is no opportunity for sex in that kind of a place. Someone would have to have a single room.

Of course, there's always the possibility of moving from the hostel to the hotel. I could shack up for 4 days, right? 

I'm just kind of joshing. 

The thing is, some people like company, and in the past when I was in the military, it was common for me to be traveling to other bases and to have a woman/wife invite me home so that they could have a houseguest/dinner company etc. Or to share a semi-private room with someone. 

I've also roomed with women at public health conferences with a baby and a pre-teen. And stayed in a gite in Quebec for a whole summer. 

I don't think I'd have NSA sex. But you never know. I'd like to think that anyone I'd get it on with, I'd have a connection to, and it would be healthy in more ways than not.


----------



## Deejo

I have been on Match for nearly 4 yrs. EVERY SINGLE DATE I've had has been through the site.

My profile has not always been active in that time. Its common for folks to deactivate their profile while seeing someone and if it doesn't work out, reactivate it. Its no different than putting yourself 'back on the market' after a break up.

I just reactivated my profile after a 9 month hiatus. One date in 5 weeks. Have rejected 99% of the matches they have sent my way.


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

Deejo said:


> I have been on Match for nearly 4 yrs. EVERY SINGLE DATE I've had has been through the site.
> 
> My profile has not always been active in that time. Its common for folks to deactivate their profile while seeing someone and if it doesn't work out, reactivate it. Its no different than putting yourself 'back on the market' after a break up.
> 
> I just reactivated my profile after a 9 month hiatus. One date in 5 weeks. Have rejected 99% of the matches they have sent my way.


I just deactivate mine when I don't want any activity. It's kind of random. It never occurred to me that guys would think the only reason I deactivated would be if I were seeing someone. Maybe I should just leave it active and if I get interest just ignore it or say I don't have time at the moment but can I get back to them in a week or two? 

So, what's your profile? Send me yours and I'll send you mine (when it's activated again, lol.)


----------



## robot_90

ScarletBegonias said:


> I gave up the online dating thing. It's almost as bad as the bar scene now. Actually maybe worse because very few men are brave enough to whip out the wang in the middle of a crowded bar.


lmao thats something i do hey yolo and **** it if its fun for u then if fun for me **** everyone else if that mind they bizness 
is what i say lol


----------



## SlowlyGettingWiser

Just signed up with POF today. Got a fair few emails; most are looking for a long-term relationship, which I am NOT. I did get an email from an interesting-looking guy; and we just emailed. Will wait and see!

Hope your searching goes well, Deejo!


----------



## Lon

*Re: Re: Online dating is nuts*



SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> Just signed up with POF today. Got a fair few emails; most are looking for a long-term relationship, which I am NOT. I did get an email from an interesting-looking guy; and we just emailed. Will wait and see!
> 
> Hope your searching goes well, Deejo!


Hey Shower puff girl, nice avatar, is that one Bubbles?


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

A guy from Match is going to call me tonight to talk.
He gets bonus points for having actually taken salsa lessons.
Deejo is very 'cute!' (lmao)

Update. Talked to guy. He's very nice. He lives in my home town (where I grew up.) But when we were in high school we lived in the same city, went to the same high school, and graduated the same year. (Well, I technically graduated that year but left school the year prior to go to college because I had incompetent parents...but I have a diploma that has that year on it, and they threw on an honor society seal too.  But too weird. Our class had just over 600 students in it. We don't remember each other at all. I had transferred in from the town where I grew up, in October or so of my sophomore year. I know a lot of people are reconnecting with people they knew in high school through FB, etc. I didn't even try. We're meeting for coffee later in the week. He has a flexible work schedule as well. Doesn't think my schedule with school/work/kids is weird at all. He's already learning to dance and rock climb, so we have a little bit in common activity wise, which is helpful. It will just be nice to have someone to go out with once in a while if we don't find each other totally revolting.

Oh right: disclaimer the guy I talked to isn't Deejo. 
He's definitely not as cute. But he's a bit closer.
I'll be interested in meeting him to see how he holds up in person.
Hopefully my daughter won't still be sick tomorrow (that RARELY happens.)


----------



## Deejo

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> A guy from Match is going to call me tonight to talk.
> He gets bonus points for having actually taken salsa lessons.
> Deejo is very 'cute!' (lmao)
> 
> Update. Talked to guy. He's very nice. He lives in my home town (where I grew up.) But when we were in high school we lived in the same city, went to the same high school, and graduated the same year. (Well, I technically graduated that year but left school the year prior to go to college because I had incompetent parents...but I have a diploma that has that year on it, and they threw on an honor society seal too.  But too weird. Our class had just over 600 students in it. We don't remember each other at all. I had transferred in from the town where I grew up, in October or so of my sophomore year. I know a lot of people are reconnecting with people they knew in high school through FB, etc. I didn't even try. We're meeting for coffee later in the week. He has a flexible work schedule as well. Doesn't think my schedule with school/work/kids is weird at all. He's already learning to dance and rock climb, so we have a little bit in common activity wise, which is helpful. It will just be nice to have someone to go out with once in a while if we don't find each other totally revolting.


I'm told that 'cute' is a polite term for scathingly 'hot'.

HNU has a great attitude about dating.

I can tell others from my perspective, that the _less_ invested you are in outcomes while dating, it just seems like 'outcomes' fall into your lap, or bed, depending upon one's goals.

I would advise any guy, that women can smell desperation like sharks smell blood in the water.

Be confident. Be fun. Smile. 

Don't focus on the, "I hope she likes me." bit. It's a waste of energy. Learn about the person you are engaging with, and determine instead, if they are someone you would like.

Be in the moment rather than wondering about the next date. 

Oh ... and get used to rejection, and see it for what it is ... inconsequential.
Doesn't matter if you get rejected. What matters is that you move on and adjust if necessary.


----------



## sharkeey

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> Just signed up with POF today. Got a fair few emails; most are looking for a long-term relationship, which I am NOT.


You're not looking for a long term relationship because these sorts of things really can't be planned.

They just sort of happen after you meet the right person.

Most dating sites need the person to pick an option on the profile and most pick long term relationship because it sounds a lot better than "looking for someone to meet, maybe for some casual sex, and if things work out and we have a lot in common maybe we can discuss commitment at some point along the way".


----------



## SingleInTx

sharkeey said:


> Most dating sites need the person to pick an option on the profile and most pick long term relationship because it sounds a lot better than "looking for someone to meet, maybe for some casual sex, and if things work out and we have a lot in common maybe we can discuss commitment at some point along the way".


SO true! I have been on Match and OKC and never know what to pick- will I ever get married again? I say HELL NO even though the truth is I have no clue, maybe, possibly, many years in the future with the right person? Lol. 

So here's a question relating to online dating: when you are strictly texting someone pre-meeting, does anyone else get annoyed when this happens:

Dude: Hey
Me: Hi 
Dude: What are you up to?
Me: Getting kids ready for bed & packing lunches, then finishing up work and jumping in the shower. Chat later?
Dude: Sure!
(15 min later) Dude: How was your day?
(20 minutes after that) Dude: Are you busy right now?
(Another half hour) Dude: Are you ok? You stopped responding.
(15 min after) Dude: Did I say something wrong?


Basically, I'm freaking BUSY and I make that clear- my kids, house, and job come first and I would love to date here and there but I can't stand someone being all over me constantly, literally or figuratively. Maybe I've just enjoyed my independence since being in a controlling marriage for 5+ years? Or is this guy (note, he is not the first one like this, who seems to demand constant attention and immediate replies- also seems to me like an insecurity thing esp amongst divorced men I break it off ASAP FWIW.)

Input appreciated!


----------



## sharkeey

Watch out for the clingers.

That Dude guy has got red flags all over his face.


----------



## Pbartender

SingleInTx said:


> So here's a question relating to online dating: when you are strictly texting someone pre-meeting, does anyone else get annoyed when this happens:
> 
> Dude: Hey
> Me: Hi
> Dude: What are you up to?
> Me: Getting kids ready for bed & packing lunches, then finishing up work and jumping in the shower. Chat later?
> Dude: Sure!
> (15 min later) Dude: How was your day?
> (20 minutes after that) Dude: Are you busy right now?
> (Another half hour) Dude: Are you ok? You stopped responding.
> (15 min after) Dude: Did I say something wrong?
> 
> Input appreciated!


In my own limited experience, it could also simply be a learned behavior... Not always, but often enough, the woman says, "Chat later?" then never does.

In other words, the woman doesn't really want to be talking to the dude to begin with, but won't say so straight out. She'll use "I'm busy right now" as an excuse to end the conversation, and then just doesn't reply.

Not that I'm saying that the way he's reacting is the best way to deal with it... It's very not.


Pb.


----------



## SingleInTx

Pbartender said:


> In my own limited experience, it could also simply be a learned behavior... Not always, but often enough, the woman says, "Chat later?" then never does.
> 
> In other words, the woman doesn't really want to be talking to the dude to begin with, but won't say so straight out. She'll use "I'm busy right now" as an excuse to end the conversation, and then just doesn't reply.
> 
> Not that I'm saying that the way he's reacting is the best way to deal with it... It's very not.
> 
> 
> Pb.


Pb, very good point- it could well be a learned behavior. The problem is, my schedule with full custody, F/T job, playing 2 sports and having the kids in sports, has been thus far much busier all around than any guy I've met who either has no kids or partial custody. 

I've politely declined or said "I don't think we're a good match" if I don't want to speak with someone anymore- the problem is when someone is constantly texting me it is a huge turnoff that they ignore the fact that I spell out how crazy my schedule is and how my adult time is limited. It may be unintentional, but it still gets under my skin!


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

SingleInTx said:


> SO true! I have been on Match and OKC and never know what to pick- will I ever get married again? I say HELL NO even though the truth is I have no clue, maybe, possibly, many years in the future with the right person? Lol.
> 
> So here's a question relating to online dating: when you are strictly texting someone pre-meeting, does anyone else get annoyed when this happens:
> 
> Dude: Hey
> Me: Hi
> Dude: What are you up to?
> Me: Getting kids ready for bed & packing lunches, then finishing up work and jumping in the shower. Chat later?
> Dude: Sure!
> (15 min later) Dude: How was your day?
> (20 minutes after that) Dude: Are you busy right now?
> (Another half hour) Dude: Are you ok? You stopped responding.
> (15 min after) Dude: Did I say something wrong?
> 
> 
> Basically, I'm freaking BUSY and I make that clear- my kids, house, and job come first and I would love to date here and there but I can't stand someone being all over me constantly, literally or figuratively. Maybe I've just enjoyed my independence since being in a controlling marriage for 5+ years? Or is this guy (note, he is not the first one like this, who seems to demand constant attention and immediate replies- also seems to me like an insecurity thing esp amongst divorced men I break it off ASAP FWIW.)
> 
> Input appreciated!


Oh, you gave TMI regarding what you were doing.
Just say "Wrapping up my day and meet you back here at 9:45 p.m.!"
Skip all that stuff about kids and work and showering. Dude doesn't care, what he wants is to chat with you. So tell him when and keep why to yourself. 

You can weed guys out too...
Dude: what are you doing?
Me: I just got home from the seacoast (where he lives and I obviously did NOT call him for coffee, so here I'm giving him info that he CAN use) where I picked up my kids and had lunch with them (i.e. I'm in the Mom zone now!) then drove home and now I'm working (I had told him I don't text when I work.)
Dude: Even though it was technically a holiday I worked (and he described what he did) and then I drove my VW convertible (bragging/showcasing) to the gym (I have muscles, I'm a real guy, I go to they gym...) (my inner thoughts, I go to the gym too but I don't think it's really anything that needs to be BROUGHT into conversation, it's kind of understood most people work out, like brushing teeth or going to the potty!).
Me: No response (I am working.)
Dude: Am I bugging you?
Me: Yes, I'm working. I don't text when I work. (NO apology.)
Dude: WOW, I was *just* trying to make conversation and be friendly.
Me: You asked a question, did you want me to say, no it's okay, for you I will defer my billable hours and deadlines even though I told you I'm working and that I don't want to date?

Next thing his vicious woman friend who had set us up is hauling my butt in for an email lesson in etiquette. ROFL. 

Anyhow, you can use text/messaging to your advantage, depending on what you want to achieve. 

Basically, you should make it clear to the guy that when dating or setting up dates, you don't have to tell him what you're doing when you're home and not talking to him. Sure you might be talking to some other guy, but you'll have time for HIM at 9:45. Or, you might be putting your kids to bed and showering and relaxing. Telling him what you're doing and when just leads to more information sharing that's not even relevant to getting to know the core of someone, like explaining that you don't shower at the same time every night, or your kids are staying up late for a special movie or dinner guest, etc.


----------



## SingleInTx

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> Oh, you gave TMI regarding what you were doing.
> Just say "Wrapping up my day and meet you back here at 9:45 p.m.!"
> Skip all that stuff about kids and work and showering. Dude doesn't care, what he wants is to chat with you. So tell him when and keep why to yourself.
> 
> You can weed guys out too...
> Dude: what are you doing?
> Me: I just got home from the seacoast (where he lives and I obviously did NOT call him for coffee, so here I'm giving him info that he CAN use) where I picked up my kids and had lunch with them (i.e. I'm in the Mom zone now!) then drove home and now I'm working (I had told him I don't text when I work.)
> Dude: Even though it was technically a holiday I worked (and he described what he did) and then I drove my VW convertible (bragging/showcasing) to the gym (I have muscles, I'm a real guy, I go to they gym...) (my inner thoughts, I go to the gym too but I don't think it's really anything that needs to be BROUGHT into conversation, it's kind of understood most people work out, like brushing teeth or going to the potty!).
> Me: No response (I am working.)
> Dude: Am I bugging you?
> Me: Yes, I'm working. I don't text when I work. (NO apology.)
> Dude: WOW, I was *just* trying to make conversation and be friendly.
> Me: You asked a question, did you want me to say, no it's okay, for you I will defer my billable hours and deadlines even though I told you I'm working and that I don't want to date?
> 
> Next thing his vicious woman friend who had set us up is hauling my butt in for an email lesson in etiquette. ROFL.
> 
> Anyhow, you can use text/messaging to your advantage, depending on what you want to achieve.
> 
> Basically, you should make it clear to the guy that when dating or setting up dates, you don't have to tell him what you're doing when you're home and not talking to him. Sure you might be talking to some other guy, but you'll have time for HIM at 9:45. Or, you might be putting your kids to bed and showering and relaxing. Telling him what you're doing and when just leads to more information sharing that's not even relevant to getting to know the core of someone, like explaining that you don't shower at the same time every night, or your kids are staying up late for a special movie or dinner guest, etc.


1) your text message string made me smile! 
2) Moment of clarity, thank you very much- I got SO used to explaining myself CONSTANTLY to xH when I wasn't in the same [email protected] room with him, that I guess I subconsciously feel the need to explain what I'm doing/why I'm not responding to some guy I'm not even dating at this point. My time is MY time, in MY house, and I can do what I want without explaining it to anyone- I went through this with xH and felt like he was my dad at times! 
3) Did I mention, thank you? Here I was thinking it was all him (which it partially is) but I need to steer the conversations with him and others, to MY purposes :-D


----------



## aston

MSC71 said:


> The fact that he let you know he wasn't going is a good sign IMO.


Very true. My time is my most valuable asset and it's simply courteous to let people know when you can't make it. It's the people that disappear suddenly and then text you at odd hours during the workday that are sketchy.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

SingleInTx said:


> 1) your text message string made me smile!
> 2) Moment of clarity, thank you very much- I got SO used to explaining myself CONSTANTLY to xH when I wasn't in the same [email protected] room with him, that I guess I subconsciously feel the need to explain what I'm doing/why I'm not responding to some guy I'm not even dating at this point. My time is MY time, in MY house, and I can do what I want without explaining it to anyone- I went through this with xH and felt like he was my dad at times!
> 3) Did I mention, thank you? Here I was thinking it was all him (which it partially is) but I need to steer the conversations with him and others, to MY purposes :-D


I live in a glass house. lol.
I used to do that too.
The moment I knew I was in trouble was when I had a funny run in on a corner at a mailbox with a really cute guy (who turned out to be gay, at least in the relationship he was in at the moment...) and I found myself censoring my reaction, acting like there was something wrong about smiling at what had happened, when it was really innocent and beautiful and hilarious, and instead of enjoying it I started thinking how I would have to explain it to my H (now exH) and I think at that moment I realized that yes, I would need to get divorced. When I have to explain why I smiled during the day at something innocent and sweet and touching, there is something very wrong with a relationship. I talked later to this guy, about that moment...it turns out that his sister was in an abusive marriage long-term and that he was happy that that particular moment was a wake-up call for me. We ran into each other on-line (not dating, lol) and his partner had just died of a heart attack, which completely underscored how important it was for me to be living my life, not explaining it play by play.


----------



## SingleInTx

Amen! We should be living in the moment, not explaining the moments away. 

I had a similar moment in my marriage when I realized I was avoiding a male coworker's eye contact in a grocery store (he was with his wife and kids and was just saying hello) and slinking by so that xH, an aisle over, wouldn't start with the crazy questioning about who he was and what his intentions were (no matter whether he were married, kids, etc- xH just saw him as a man and as threat). That was one of the defining moments for me. I definitely don't want that again, hence the reason I don't want any kind of serious relationship at all. That's why it gets to me so much even with guys I'm just dating/might date/considering dating. 

I took down my OKC profile yesterday, and that was my only active online dating profile. I'm going to chat with the few guys whose numbers I have, but I feel that one or 2 of them may drop off shortly when they realize that I'm standing my ground on what I want, which is not a LTR or anything serious, at least not at this point.


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

SingleInTx said:


> Amen! We should be living in the moment, not explaining the moments away.
> 
> I had a similar moment in my marriage when I realized I was avoiding a male coworker's eye contact in a grocery store (he was with his wife and kids and was just saying hello) and slinking by so that xH, an aisle over, wouldn't start with the crazy questioning about who he was and what his intentions were (no matter whether he were married, kids, etc- xH just saw him as a man and as threat). That was one of the defining moments for me. I definitely don't want that again, hence the reason I don't want any kind of serious relationship at all. That's why it gets to me so much even with guys I'm just dating/might date/considering dating.
> 
> I took down my OKC profile yesterday, and that was my only active online dating profile. I'm going to chat with the few guys whose numbers I have, but I feel that one or 2 of them may drop off shortly when they realize that I'm standing my ground on what I want, which is not a LTR or anything serious, at least not at this point.


The sad thing for me is that it took an entire year of intense therapy (while exH was away deployed) plus an attempted reconciliation for me to realize how abusive my marriage was. I kept a list in my calendar for a long time, that listed the symptoms of abuse. Constantly censoring or having to explain oneself defensively (and having that running commentary in your head all the time) is one of them, along with actively avoiding situations because of it.


----------



## SingleInTx

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> The sad thing for me is that it took an entire year of intense therapy (while exH was away deployed) plus an attempted reconciliation for me to realize how abusive my marriage was. I kept a list in my calendar for a long time, that listed the symptoms of abuse. Constantly censoring or having to explain oneself defensively (and having that running commentary in your head all the time) is one of them, along with actively avoiding situations because of it.


I went through therapy when xH was in jail, as well- I could use a refresher course now that I'm back in the dating world, however hesitant. This makes me want to break out the materials I saved from the sessions. It can't hurt to brush up on what I now know are huge red flags, warning signs, signs of abuse and/or anger to come.


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

SingleInTx said:


> I went through therapy when xH was in jail, as well- I could use a refresher course now that I'm back in the dating world, however hesitant. This makes me want to break out the materials I saved from the sessions. It can't hurt to brush up on what I now know are huge red flags, warning signs, signs of abuse and/or anger to come.


I was cleaning out my Shakespeare notebook to get it ready for a different class next semester, and came across an essay idea I never developed...but is relevant.

It's about constructive narrative, that is, the stories that go on in our heads that never happened, but we consider in great detail that they did, or might, or could, or will. Such as Juliet being afraid that when she takes the sleeping potion, she will awake in the crypt on her own (no Friar, no Romeo) and go insane, or Othello imagining Desdemona and Iago together, or ******* in the Merchant of Venice imagining his daughter trading his late wife's ring for a monkey while she's partying with her spoils from running away, or Leontes thinking about his wife and Polixenes, and Richard II imagining being buried beneath the highway and having his remains trampled on like a commoner, etc. There are numerous things that "occur" in Shakespeare's plays that are terrible, awful things, but they never happen! Yet for the characters, and the audience, because of the way these things are presented, they are *seen* happening in the conscious mind. The mind does not differentiate between things it remembers as real and things it came by, by way of narrative. It simply registers the experience. And when a good story is told, it's as good as happened, it evokes all the same emotions, when the story's told and when it's remembered later. 

So when we go through scenarios in our heads (or I should say WENT, right?) we experience them the same way as though the scenarios of questioning, confrontation, defense of our lack of any kind of tawdry intentions, etc.) are all as though they did happen, regardless of whether our exH's did or did not confront us about it. That's what was happening in my mind at the corner mail box. Other times he had given me a difficult time about showering before going to the gym (honestly, we'd had morning sex and I didn't want to waft it off on the treadmill and have other guys or women smell it!) saying that I wanted to attract men, etc. I suppose he had some idea of marking me and thought I'd be innocent about the odor???? Anyway, every time I showered before going to the gym, I had that dialogue in my head. This is why emotional abuse, while it seems to others that our exH just said something to use a few times, and we have since resolved it, or can go to the gym after showering, so what's the big deal? Well, the big deal is that the abuse is so effective that it no longer NEEDS to be verbalized, it can happen even when the abuser isn't there, because of how our minds work, we play out the scenario where he will ask if we went to the gym that day, and then frame it as whether we wasted hot water taking a shower first... Just an example. There's more, like places you can't avoid, like grocery shopping or taking the train to work, or a teacher at your kid's school, etc. That's why it was horrible when he asked whether I had the hots for a woman friend, and talked about a threesome. It wasn't unintentional what he did, like a mistake or not knowing about 'sensitive feelings.' My ex was brilliant, he was equal to me in intelligence, he just used it 'differently.' 

Anyway, constructive narrative is about making stuff that didn't happen, occupy your mind, and it can be positive (as in visualization and actualization/manifestation) or negative, and the negative can bring just as much or even more stress response in reply than the initial occurrence, depending how active and imaginative our minds are. 

Interrogators do this too, and they are trained professionally to find weak spots and to extrapolate/implant/seed...the prisoner's mind does the rest.


----------



## Pbartender

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> Anyway, every time I showered before going to the gym, I had that dialogue in my head.


My dad died more than three years ago... And even now, whenever I miss him a little, in the back of my mind I can still hear my wife saying, "Suck it up and get over it already. At least you had a father."


Pb.


----------



## Freak On a Leash

SingleInTx said:


> So here's a question relating to online dating: when you are strictly texting someone pre-meeting, does anyone else get annoyed when this happens:
> 
> Dude: Hey
> Me: Hi
> Dude: What are you up to?
> Me: Getting kids ready for bed & packing lunches, then finishing up work and jumping in the shower. Chat later?
> Dude: Sure!
> (15 min later) Dude: How was your day?
> (20 minutes after that) Dude: Are you busy right now?
> (Another half hour) Dude: Are you ok? You stopped responding.
> (15 min after) Dude: Did I say something wrong?
> 
> 
> Basically, I'm freaking BUSY and I make that clear- my kids, house, and job come first and I would love to date here and there but I can't stand someone being all over me constantly, literally or figuratively. Maybe I've just enjoyed my independence since being in a controlling marriage for 5+ years? Or is this guy (note, he is not the first one like this, who seems to demand constant attention and immediate replies- also seems to me like an insecurity thing esp amongst divorced men I break it off ASAP FWIW.)
> 
> Input appreciated!


I've never gotten that but if I did I'd be blocking that guy from texting me. I hate being bothered constantly. 

Some attention is nice but too much is just that...too much.


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

Pbartender said:


> My dad died more than three years ago... And even now, whenever I miss him a little, in the back of my mind I can still hear my wife saying, "Suck it up and get over it already. At least you had a father."
> 
> 
> Pb.


We need an empathy button vs. "like."
:-(

Believe it or not I have gone to a Shaman and like most shamans she is able to 'fix' the past. So dialogues like that get unstuck and you have only what's now plus whatever memories you choose to have, unglued from their emotional reactions that keep playing over and over again. I don't even really try to figure out how the Shaman does this, all I care about is that it works.


----------



## Freak On a Leash

Deejo said:


> Be confident. Be fun. Smile.
> 
> Don't focus on the, "I hope she likes me." bit. It's a waste of energy. Learn about the person you are engaging with, and determine instead, if they are someone you would like.
> 
> Be in the moment rather than wondering about the next date.
> 
> Oh ... and get used to rejection, and see it for what it is ... inconsequential.
> Doesn't matter if you get rejected. What matters is that you move on and adjust if necessary.


:iagree: This is all so true. I have a friend who is going through all sorts of emotions as a result of dating. She really wants to find someone she can have in her life. It's sad.

She's a fun, educated and interesting woman who has a lot to offer but she's chained by her loneliness and desire to share her life with someone. I feel bad for her. She has a nice life just as it is now. IMO she doesn't NEED to be with someone and is putting in so much energy and emotion trying to find someone. She's setting herself up for so much disappointment. 

I've been there, done that..25 years ago and I got 23 years of a bad marriage as payback for my neediness and desperation. One thing I CAN thank my STBXH for is that I learned first to do stuff on my own and then to like and appreciate my own company. I don't get bored or lonely being by myself and if I find someone to do stuff with and spend time with then it's icing on the cake..but it's not THE cake. 

I am what I am and at this point in my life I'm not changing. I'm not putting on airs or molding myself to conform to someone else's expectations. If someone doesn't like who or what I am then that's fine. I'm good the way I am and if you happen to agree with me, then we're good to go. If not, then we go our separate ways. 

Not needing or wanting is freedom. That's how I look at it. It's taken me years to break away from the tyranny of loving and wanting someone and getting kicked in the teeth as a result. I like where I'm at now and I'm not giving it up. 

Anyway, the guy who expressed interest in dating me eventually emailed me and said he was sorry for taking so long but would I like to see a movie with him? I said "sure" and said Saturday would work and he emailed me back and said he'd get back to me with a time. 

Sounds good. First "date" in 25 years! LOL!  

But if it doesn't happen I'll go hiking instead. It's all good.


----------



## SingleInTx

Freak On a Leash said:


> I've never gotten that but if I did I'd be blocking that guy from texting me. I hate being bothered constantly.
> 
> Some attention is nice but too much is just that...too much.


I said my piece to him today and haven't heard from him again- basically, BACK OFF! Lol. I don't care to be smothered


----------



## happysnappy

If someone smothers you like that they have some bigger underlying issues. Same goes for talking themselves up to much (bragging). It all screams insecurity in my book.


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## Freak On a Leash

SingleInTx said:


> I said my piece to him today and haven't heard from him again- basically, BACK OFF! Lol. I don't care to be smothered


Well, I'll bet that did it. :smthumbup:

That's pretty much how I handle things.


----------



## SingleInTx

happysnappy said:


> If someone smothers you like that they have some bigger underlying issues. Same goes for talking themselves up to much (bragging). It all screams insecurity in my book.


Agreed! That's why I was like... I'm done. No room in my life for someone like that. Dating sucks! I'm taking a break from that whole scene for a while, I don't have the time really anyway. It's exhausting!


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## SingleInTx

Freak On a Leash said:


> Well, I'll bet that did it. :smthumbup:
> 
> That's pretty much how I handle things.


Haha yep sure did! I'm getting better at standing my ground the longer I've been divorced, and it feels [email protected] good!


----------



## zillard

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> I just deactivate mine when I don't want any activity. It's kind of random. It never occurred to me that guys would think the only reason I deactivated would be if I were seeing someone.


Yeah, we do often think that way. 

I reconnected with a female friend in my hometown (where I'll be moving in a few months). After, while browsing a dating site for women in that area to get a feel for what's out there I saw she has a profile too. 

Lately we've been IM'ing for hours at a time, sometimes til 3am. I just noticed she has since taken her profile down. Of course I immediately assumed it was due to me. But really, who knows. Could be any number of reasons.


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

Bummer, I was going to have a coffee date today with the guy who went to high school with me (but in our class of 600+, we don't remember each other, if we ever even saw each other or had any classes together, lol) but my daughter is home after being sick yesterday, resting up. On the up side, we'll get together Friday evening and throw in a Latin dance class after dinner, and I can stay home and be slovenly in this cold weather and have a work-a-thon. We had a coffee date by phone instead. But I don't want to spend too much time on the phone, I get the feeling that I like him and we'll get together and date, but I don't want to make it exclusive...just to date and to enjoy time spent together.


----------



## zillard

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> Bummer, I was going to have a coffee date today with the guy who went to high school with me (but in our class of 600+, we don't remember each other, if we ever even saw each other or had any classes together, lol) but my daughter is home after being sick yesterday, resting up. On the up side, we'll get together Friday evening and throw in a Latin dance class after dinner, and I can stay home and be slovenly in this cold weather and have a work-a-thon. We had a coffee date by phone instead. But I don't want to spend too much time on the phone, I get the feeling that I like him and we'll get together and date, but I don't want to make it exclusive...just to date and to enjoy time spent together.


bummer. Sounds like potential though. 

I also don't want exclusive right now and kind of hope my friend didn't remove her profile just because we've been chatting so much. We have made plans to start hiking together and having dinners when I return. I could see it going somewhere eventually but still want to explore.


----------



## Freak On a Leash

SingleInTx said:


> Agreed! That's why I was like... I'm done. No room in my life for someone like that. Dating sucks! I'm taking a break from that whole scene for a while, I don't have the time really anyway. It's exhausting!


That's why I won't do the online dating thing. It seems like so much work! In fact, it sounds a LOT like what I do for work! Customers call, I have to talk to them, smooze them and convince them that they should do business with me, then book them and hope it works out. But at least THEY pay me! 

To me, dating should be something you do for fun. It should ADD to your life, not detract from it. When something that's supposed to be FUN becomes a four letter word like WORK (or anything else you care to think of! ) That's when there's a problem. 

I don't see the point of the obsession with dating. People are miserable being in a bad marriage, then they go through hell to get divorced and almost as soon as the ink is dry on their divorce papers they are off getting miserable looking for someone else to get miserable with! :scratchhead: :wtf:

First, be happy by yourself and THEN if you date and it doesn't work out you are good to go because it's not your primary focus in life. 

Don't replace one bad situation with another but don't dismiss it altogether provided you are having fun. YOU need to set the rules and boundaries. 

It's interesting but my 18 year old daughter once said to me not long ago, "People have a hard time with the word 'No'. They just can't say it or deal with it". 

True dat.


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

zillard said:


> bummer. Sounds like potential though.
> 
> I also don't want exclusive right now and kind of hope my friend didn't remove her profile just because we've been chatting so much. We have made plans to start hiking together and having dinners when I return. I could see it going somewhere eventually but still want to explore.


You should definitely address the issue of her profile down, and let her know you won't be offended if she keeps it up, and in fact if she took it down on account of you, it would make you feel better if she could keep it up and be open to dating others. She may actually be relieved. A lot of women take their profiles down so as not to offend their dates, i.e. being the kind of woman who is going to date around. I heard that in the 'old days' making out was considered to be an acceptable part of dating, even if you were going out with Joe on one night and Zeke on the next.


----------



## zillard

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> You should definitely address the issue of her profile down, and let her know you won't be offended if she keeps it up, and in fact if she took it down on account of you, it would make you feel better if she could keep it up and be open to dating others. She may actually be relieved. A lot of women take their profiles down so as not to offend their dates, i.e. being the kind of woman who is going to date around.


Hmm. I will mention that I noticed. I can't see her being worried about making me jealous though. I'm scheduled to meet up with one of her friends on Saturday and assume she knows about that. Not a formal date but a meetup. 

Also she asked me about stbxw - whether or not I'd consider taking her back. I was honest with her and told her that after 10 years it's a pretty deep bond and I can't say there is nothing there. But that I consider it less every day. 

I did tell her that I'm not looking to jump into another relationship in order to feel whole. Life's an adventure and if someone rad comes along for the ride - cool. If not I'll still have fun.


----------



## Freak On a Leash

zillard said:


> Also she asked me about stbxw - whether or not I'd consider taking her back. I was honest with her and told her that after 10 years it's a pretty deep bond and I can't say there is nothing there. But that I consider it less every day.


I forgot but are you still living in the same house with your STBXW?


----------



## zillard

Freak On a Leash said:


> I forgot but are you still living in the same house with your STBXW?


No. She moved out a month ago and the D waiting period is up on Valentine's Day.


----------



## Freak On a Leash

zillard said:


> No. She moved out a month ago and the D waiting period is up on Valentine's Day.


:rofl: How appropriate. File for D on Valentines Day...

Heck, I used the money I got for selling my engagment and wedding ring to file.


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## zillard

Freak On a Leash said:


> :rofl: How appropriate. File for D on Valentines Day...
> 
> Heck, I used the money I got for selling my engagment and wedding ring to file.


The real kicker here is Vday is my Bday. 

I discussed it with my IC though and decided to wait a few days after before finalizing. I don't want to be constantly reminded of an event like that on a day that should be all about me.


----------



## Freak On a Leash

zillard said:


> I don't want to be constantly reminded of an event like that on a day that should be all about me.


Depends on whether getting divorced is a good or bad thing for you.


----------



## zillard

Freak On a Leash said:


> Depends on whether getting divorced is a good or bad thing for you.


True. For me it's a little of both. At least right now, when I have to make the decision.


----------



## Freak On a Leash

For me, it's all good. I think that suprises my STBXH. I have no regrets, it's just time. 

But I'm like that and I've had over 2 years to work it out. That's why I waited this long to actually make the move. I had to be ready for it. It makes life a lot easier. 

It's hard to just let go but when the marriage was as bad as mine was, it makes it much easier.


----------



## zillard

Freak On a Leash said:


> For me, it's all good. I think that suprises my STBXH. I have no regrets, it's just time.
> 
> But I'm like that and I've had over 2 years to work it out. That's why I waited this long to actually make the move. I had to be ready for it. It makes life a lot easier.
> 
> It's hard to just let go but when the marriage was as bad as mine was, it makes it much easier.


It's good you've have that luxury of time. I've had 3 months from thinking things were great to X being moved out for over a month. Before that, things weren't that bad. Normal problems, sure. Some larger problems that I thought were normal, sure. But nothing too drastic until recently.


----------



## Freak On a Leash

Yeah, the whole divorce thing kinda sucks. I'm trying my best to keep things amicable and get it done ASAP. Fortuntely STBXH is sober and trying his best to be a good father. Now if he could just ante up some cash..

Oh well. It helps that the emotion is out of it. I don't think you can get a greater gift than simply not giving a damn. It's simply wonderful. :smthumbup:


----------



## nice777guy

Back to online dating.

If your profile name is 69LovinMILF or KinkyCoug, your favorite book is 50 Shades of Gray, all of your pics are taken from above in order to show off your cleavage...then you CAN'T complain about "guys just wanting to hook up" and claim to be looking only for serious relationships!


----------



## SingleInTx

nice777guy said:


> Back to online dating.
> 
> If your profile name is 69LovinMILF or KinkyCoug, your favorite book is 50 Shades of Gray, all of your pics are taken from above in order to show off your cleavage...then you CAN'T complain about "guys just wanting to hook up" and claim to be looking only for serious relationships!


Haha! So true. Also the girls who regardless of their profile, go for the guy named "MILFHunter" or "SexyStud" wearing the tight Affliction t-shirts and downing Jaegermeister from the bottle because they're "hot" and wonder why they just want to F... 

Realistic expectations people... you get back a lot of what you put out there so be careful how you come across to others. Also communicate about what you REALLY want and not what you think sounds good on paper. 

I've had moderate success I guess, I've made friends, met some nice but "not-for-me" people, and talking to a couple of prospects.

I will not answer the question regarding what I'm looking for because who really knows? I'd like to be in a relationship however I'm not going to define something before it begins.


----------



## Deejo

*Re: Re: Online dating is nuts*



nice777guy said:


> Back to online dating.
> 
> If your profile name is 69LovinMILF or KinkyCoug, your favorite book is 50 Shades of Gray, all of your pics are taken from above in order to show off your cleavage...then you CAN'T complain about "guys just wanting to hook up" and claim to be looking only for serious relationships!


You dated 69LovinMILF too??


----------



## Deejo

Just deactivated my match account.

I firmly believe I have met the eagerly anticipated, #4.


----------



## nice777guy

Deejo said:


> Just deactivated my match account.
> 
> I firmly believe I have met the eagerly anticipated, #4.


I know I haven't been paying much attention lately, but #4 what?


----------



## zillard

sweetheart #4 I'm assuming


----------



## zillard

I haven't really used my accounts at POF and OKC for about a month now. I used them for a month (I know, short time) and met nobody in person. 

I've had better luck going out on the weekend, even if alone. 

One woman offered me her number - not interested though. A 22yo girl offered me her number Saturday night - haven't called yet. I appreciate women who know what they want, but it weirds me out a little when they offer their number. Maybe because I'm just not used to it. 

Do you ladies do that? 

I have two other prospects and am chatting on FB with a newly single woman in my hometown (we were friends before we both got married). We have plans for dinners, hiking, etc once I move back. I think there is real potential with that one.


----------



## EnjoliWoman

No, I don't give out my number. Ever.

I agree to meet somewhere - I don't want him to have my number until after we meet - don't want a psycho blowing up my phone. If I like him after the first meeting I will give it if asked; if they ask and I don't want to meet him again I'll say sorry, I don't think there's any potential but good luck.

But you sound way younger so maybe that's different?


----------



## zillard

EnjoliWoman said:


> No, I don't give out my number. Ever.
> 
> I agree to meet somewhere - I don't want him to have my number until after we meet - don't want a psycho blowing up my phone. If I like him after the first meeting I will give it if asked; if they ask and I don't want to meet him again I'll say sorry, I don't think there's any potential but good luck.
> 
> But you sound way younger so maybe that's different?


34.

The 22yo offered her number after a 10 min conversation at a club. Smells of desperation to me.


----------



## EnjoliWoman

Yeah... she wanted a sugar daddy/someone to take care of her or just a good time, one or the other.

At 34, if you meet someone who is 30 they might hand you a business card if you met at some social networking thing. Or if you both agree to get together due to your invitation I can see you both entering the others phone number into your phone. 

But as a girl, slipping a guy your number is only for hook ups, even at my age (nearly 45).


----------



## Deejo

*Re: Re: Online dating is nuts*



nice777guy said:


> I know I haven't been paying much attention lately, but #4 what?


Woman in my life with whom I have fallen in love.


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

zillard said:


> 34.
> 
> The 22yo offered her number after a 10 min conversation at a club. Smells of desperation to me.


If you read what she wrote, she said she only found out how old he was afterwards, from her friend. That was what the strobe light comment was about. 

I used to give my number out in clubs when I was in my younger twenties. That's generally what younger people do, especially when they think they're interacting with a peer. 

I think the comment was very judgemental, all things considered. Her question wasn't, how can I get this guy to commit to me, after all, and since he's older should I let him pay for all the dates and buy me stuff...


----------



## Lon

*Re: Re: Online dating is nuts*



Deejo said:


> Woman in my life with whom I have fallen in love.


Sounds like it may be a healthy case of oneitis


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

Deejo said:


> Just deactivated my match account.
> 
> I firmly believe I have met the eagerly anticipated, #4.


Well, there goes one nice mug from my nice mug lineup.
I had it in there just for looking at, to round up my otherwise slim numbers.


----------



## NoWhere

I've gotten where I don't care. You spend so much time trying to gauge everything. Should I respond immediately or wait, am I texting too much, am I telling them too much about myself, am I saying the right thing, blah blah blah. If someone wants to read too much into how I do things or who I am so be it. Frankly tired of it. Thanks to a bunch of losers on these sites everyone assumes by default your desperate, psycho, married or just looking to get laid.

Some of us are looking for companionship and are not just serial daters.


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

NoWhere said:


> I've gotten where I don't care. You spend so much time trying to gauge everything. Should I respond immediately or wait, am I texting too much, am I telling them too much about myself, am I saying the right thing, blah blah blah. If someone wants to read too much into how I do things or who I am so be it. Frankly tired of it. Thanks to a bunch of losers on these sites everyone assumes by default your desperate, psycho, married or just looking to get laid.
> 
> Some of us are looking for companionship and are not just serial daters.


I aim to find me one of those. Not the serial daters.


----------



## one_strange_otter

I'm a 37 year old dude. I'll say this: online dating is definitely geared towards females. I'm an honest guy and I'm not lying about anything in my profile. I put separated because that's where I am in life. I live on my own with the kids. Separated status I think is the death knell for any guy putting up a profile. Women are going to think you're a cheat regardless or they don't want to invest the time in you because you aren't really single. It's a huge double standard though because a woman can put any status including married and guys are gonna hit her up. Period. This profile is just my sense of humor. I figure if she doesn't get it then she won't get me. I put the update part on there (even though it never happened) just to make girls think I've got something going for me. LOL In truth I've had one person out of the dozens I've contacted actually hold a conversation and give me a maybe on meeting for a drink and another that politely chatted for about an hour consistently but then said I wasn't her type and left. Should I wait until I'm officially single? Well.....shouldn't the girls do that also? I've read profiles where the status says separated and she mentions that her ex is living with her "because of money issues but they don't sleep together or even in the same room". Yeah right....when pigs fly lady......

My POF profile verbatim:

###update####
Please stop sending me dirty pictures. That's not what I'm here for. Also, I'm not interested in seeing anyone in their fifties and sixties so save yourself a message. And if you don't intent on showing up to meet me or you are just here for an ego boost then please stop wasting my time.
############

I'm a complete jerk. Here's a list explaining why:

1. I am only here for sex.
2. I will completely ignore you and hit on other girls when we are out.
3. If you aren't supermodel hot keep on browsing.
4. I volunteer for meals on wheels but feed the food to wild animals in the park instead.
5. I take other peoples business cards, act like a complete a$$ in a restaurant, then toss said cards at the waitress as I slap her on the butt and skip out on the bill.
6. I will drone on endlessly about my ex while ingoring you some more.
7. I expect you to put out on the first date. Preferably before we go out on the date.
8. I will never have my wallet on me when it's time to pay the bill.
9. I'm smarter than you and will make sure you know it.
10. I will never like your kids and will treat mine better in every way.

And one more thing........

All that stuff is completely false. I have lived by myself for over six months now and I'm just looking for some friends to go out with on weekends. I've been here for a while and it's time to meet some people. If separated scares you just message me and I'll do my best to calm your fears. Just know that part of my life is over and I have moved on.

I'm a complete goofball and adorably dorky. Also I rarely let my date pay for anything. That's just how I was raised.

P.S. If I message you and you don't message me back I'm just going to assume you think I'm out of your league. Haha.


----------



## NoWhere

Well If I find one more crazy I'm thinking I've had it and I'll just be single from here on out. Can't stand the getting my hopes up, spend all this time emailing or chatting, everything seems fine for awhile then *POP* comes the red flags. I can overlook a few red flags, but they usually just lead to bigger ones. 

I also get the sense a lot of women, and probably men to, just like doing this over and over. They may be telling themselves they are looking for Mr right ( or Ms), but I think a lot of them get to where they enjoy being hit on, chatting a lot then meeting for a few dates. Meanwhile they are shuffling a few other guys/gals around doing the same thing. Most probably think they are seeking perfection, I know perfection doesn't exist. Someone who seems perfect is just easier at hiding their flaws. 

and another thing. There is a difference between someone who is confident in their own skin hence they are confident. And a guy who cares so little for the girl he is meeting he seems confident. When a guy likes someone they are going to be a little nervous because they want it to work. they care what the girl thinks of them. On the other hand if this is one of many women a guy will meet and all he cares about is getting laid he will not be nervous. This does not make him confident. He just doesn't give a crap what you think.


----------



## nice777guy

Also...

"I don't want no drama!"

If you are are 30 or 40 or 50 and have "no drama", you're probably leading a VERY boring and sheltered life. Like - maybe in your parents' basement or something...


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

One guy I haven't even dated yet, just emailing a bit, already seems concerned that I'll be gone for a month or so during the summer. And he has plans to go to New Zealand himself and is dismal because the trip is only 2 weeks. Talk about the pot calling the kettle black. lol.

I switched the subject and asked him did he get skis and bindings for his new boots yet. No sense worrying about summer when it's Feb and he hasn't even been out skiing yet. Get with the program, Jack!


----------



## Deejo

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> Well, there goes one nice mug from my nice mug lineup.
> I had it in there just for looking at, to round up my otherwise slim numbers.


You are very kind HNU. And gotta say, I'm curious if you get a lot of interest from much younger boys.

Feel like I certainly paid my dues. I've been single for over 4 years.

Met some really great people. Had a few relatively short term relationships. Two around the six month timeframe. Otherwise lots of dates, and many one and done dates.

When it's different, you know it's different. 

#4 and I just clicked. Lots of laughter right out of the gate. Lots of great talk. No gaps, no awkward moments.
Lots of sharing, lots of discovery. No question that I have oneitis. And I wouldn't trade it for anything. I'm still realistic of course. But my advice? If you find yourself in the 'bliss bubble', and your partner is right there with you in the bubble grinning like a fool ... stay there for as long as it lasts.

Yes online dating is nuts. It is also a tremendous resource and tool, and if you use it wisely and have ground rules, it can be very rewarding. You can separate the wheat from the chaff pretty quickly.


----------



## Lon

Deejo said:


> But my advice? If you find yourself in the 'bliss bubble', and your partner is right there with you in the bubble grinning like a fool ... stay there for as long as it lasts.


thanks for this nugget - I plan to use this advice sometime (as soon as I'm assured some babe in my bubble is grinning like me).


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

OK, here's a practical question, a guy asks ,me in his second email how long I've been divorced, what do I answer? Divorce was final 3/2012, however he left for deployment 9/2010 and I found out about lying/cheating 10/2010, made plans to move out 5/2011 and left in 8/2011 right before he returned (then gave him his second chance 9/2011-12/2011.) FWIW, it wasn't much of a marriage (1/2/2010.)

I wonder should I ignore the question altogether, or just say, not much of a marriage, don't care to discuss it right now, focused on the present...

IMO the question is out of line given that I've never met the guy and we don't even know if we've hit it off, and it doesn't have any bearing on the situation at hand. Should I reply this instead, I'll be happy to share if it matters (i.e. we meet and hit it off?)

My concern is that this is a guy who is following some kind of formula, i.e. you have to be out of a marriage for x number of months/years before dating...which is ridiculous because it assumes that there was a marriage that you were attached to in some way, at a visceral emotional level. Whereas my divorce equates to not wanting to be abused any more.

Just the way it was phrased and some of the other stuff, the way he's putting himself out there, tells me that he is following some sort of 'program' to find a woman. I find that slightly alarming, in that I think people should follow their own instinct and use some discernment in what to ask...

But, he doesn't know me from Deliliah so to speak and it may be that he's slightly a dufus in relationships and is one of those people for whom Match is the best way to meet women, instead of also foraging around on his own. He sounds like he is shopping, picking stuff up and reading the labels and warnings. Which I find understandable and even thoughtful. 

But I don't want to give him tmi.


----------



## EnjoliWoman

I get it that you don't want him using a 'formula' to guage if you're ready for a relationship but if you avoid it, it might seem like you're being evasive which implies distrust/untruths. Just say marriage ended in 2010 but divorce was final in 2012.

I was separated for 1.5 years before the divorce was final and for a while I made sure to make the point that I separated in October 2003 but divorced in July 2005.

I understand a lot of your views but know the average person doesn't operate that way - doesn't mean he CAN'T click at your level but give him a break for starting with the same questions the average population does. Doesn't mean he's putting you in a 'box'.


----------



## NoWhere

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> OK, here's a practical question, a guy asks ,me in his second email how long I've been divorced, what do I answer? Divorce was final 3/2012, however he left for deployment 9/2010 and I found out about lying/cheating 10/2010, made plans to move out 5/2011 and left in 8/2011 right before he returned (then gave him his second chance 9/2011-12/2011.) FWIW, it wasn't much of a marriage (1/2/2010.)


 Does it say he's divorced? It might be he's not over his divorce and he's trying to open the door to discuss divorce by asking you about it. At which point he wont shut up about his divorce. Or he could just be trying to strike up more conversation. I wouldn't read too much into it. I'd just answer however you feel. Just be generic like 'Oh a year or so' or tell him him you just don't want to discuss it.


----------



## Enchanted

one_strange_otter said:


> I'm a 37 year old dude. I'll say this: online dating is definitely geared towards females. I'm an honest guy and I'm not lying about anything in my profile. I put separated because that's where I am in life. I live on my own with the kids. Separated status I think is the death knell for any guy putting up a profile. Women are going to think you're a cheat regardless or they don't want to invest the time in you because you aren't really single. It's a huge double standard though because a woman can put any status including married and guys are gonna hit her up. Period. This profile is just my sense of humor. I figure if she doesn't get it then she won't get me. I put the update part on there (even though it never happened) just to make girls think I've got something going for me. LOL In truth I've had one person out of the dozens I've contacted actually hold a conversation and give me a maybe on meeting for a drink and another that politely chatted for about an hour consistently but then said I wasn't her type and left. Should I wait until I'm officially single? Well.....shouldn't the girls do that also? I've read profiles where the status says separated and she mentions that her ex is living with her "because of money issues but they don't sleep together or even in the same room". Yeah right....when pigs fly lady......
> 
> My POF profile verbatim:
> 
> ###update####
> Please stop sending me dirty pictures. That's not what I'm here for. Also, I'm not interested in seeing anyone in their fifties and sixties so save yourself a message. And if you don't intent on showing up to meet me or you are just here for an ego boost then please stop wasting my time.
> ############
> 
> I'm a complete jerk. Here's a list explaining why:
> 
> 1. I am only here for sex.
> 2. I will completely ignore you and hit on other girls when we are out.
> 3. If you aren't supermodel hot keep on browsing.
> 4. I volunteer for meals on wheels but feed the food to wild animals in the park instead.
> 5. I take other peoples business cards, act like a complete a$$ in a restaurant, then toss said cards at the waitress as I slap her on the butt and skip out on the bill.
> 6. I will drone on endlessly about my ex while ingoring you some more.
> 7. I expect you to put out on the first date. Preferably before we go out on the date.
> 8. I will never have my wallet on me when it's time to pay the bill.
> 9. I'm smarter than you and will make sure you know it.
> 10. I will never like your kids and will treat mine better in every way.
> 
> And one more thing........
> 
> All that stuff is completely false. I have lived by myself for over six months now and I'm just looking for some friends to go out with on weekends. I've been here for a while and it's time to meet some people. If separated scares you just message me and I'll do my best to calm your fears. Just know that part of my life is over and I have moved on.
> 
> I'm a complete goofball and adorably dorky. Also I rarely let my date pay for anything. That's just how I was raised.
> 
> P.S. If I message you and you don't message me back I'm just going to assume you think I'm out of your league. Haha.


If I was single and on a dating site I'd definitively send you a message. 

Actually, that's not true. I'd wait till you saw my profile and messaged me but I'd respond. I was taught never to make the first move and my dating life was just fine with that rule intact. 

You'll be married by next March.


----------



## one_strange_otter

Enchanted said:


> If I was single and on a dating site I'd definitively send you a message.
> 
> Actually, that's not true. I'd wait till you saw my profile and messaged me but I'd respond. I was taught never to make the first move and my dating life was just fine with that rule intact.
> 
> You'll be married by next March.


Aww, thanks. I send great messages too...Mostly at this point I've given up on anyone online wanting to date so now I cruise profiles and just give compliments on particularly well written profiles. I impulse bought the 3 month sub to both POF and Zoosk. I've got close to having a drink with one person but that's about it. She was nice enough to let me know that she had a date and it went great so she was not going to be back online unless it didn't work out. So much for the numbers game.

It would be nice if there were more open minded single women like you in the north Houston/Conroe area...lol

Right now I'm getting closer to coming out of my shell and shaking off years of not making eye contact with the opposite sex. Honestly I'd like to go out on no pressure/expectation dates just to get used to being around women again.


----------



## Enchanted

one_strange_otter said:


> Aww, thanks. I send great messages too...Mostly at this point I've given up on anyone online wanting to date so now I cruise profiles and just give compliments on particularly well written profiles. I impulse bought the 3 month sub to both POF and Zoosk. I've got close to having a drink with one person but that's about it. She was nice enough to let me know that she had a date and it went great so she was not going to be back online unless it didn't work out. So much for the numbers game.
> 
> It would be nice if there were more open minded single women like you in the north Houston/Conroe area...lol
> 
> Right now I'm getting closer to coming out of my shell and shaking off years of not making eye contact with the opposite sex. Honestly I'd like to go out on no pressure/expectation dates just to get used to being around women again.


There's a thing called "meet up" or something of that nature where people get together in big groups so there's no pressure. That might be a fun thing to do.


----------



## one_strange_otter

Enchanted said:


> There's a thing called "meet up" or something of that nature where people get together in big groups so there's no pressure. That might be a fun thing to do.


I'm on it already. Nothing really here in town but there are some closer down to Houston. I keep an eye on it though.


----------



## NoWhere

I'm in the same boat with the meetup groups. Not a single one worth going to here.


----------



## EnjoliWoman

Seems all of the eligible men are in TX or Canada! LOL


----------



## NoWhere

Hey wait I'm not in Texas or Canada


----------



## EnjoliWoman

They aren't in NC!


----------



## arbitrator

EnjoliWoman said:


> Seems all of the eligible men are in *TX* or Canada! LOL


*Well, I'm in the Lone Star State and I'm not eligible~ well, at least not yet!*


----------



## Pbartender

There's at least one in Illinois.


Pb.


----------



## NoWhere

OK. Someone hit at my profile so I read it. And this has to be quite possibly the worst profile I've ever read. Obviously 'down to earth' doesn't include proper grammar and english. Though I can deal with the girl on girl thing.  lol

What the hell have I gotten myself into here on these dating sites. Are there no more normal people out there. I have a feeling I'm going to be alone for a long time.

Sad thing is she is very good looking, but ah no thanks



> I am a down to earth girl looking for someone to share my life with and have fun mostley have fun
> and i am open to just about anything like girl on girl and love to party and chill with familey


----------



## one_strange_otter

We need a TAM meetup. Who's in Houston besides me?


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

Very rural here. The only meeting is whomever is at the grocery store or intersection at the same time as you. In the summer we do have concerts on the green which are fun.


----------



## Deejo

*Re: Re: Online dating is nuts*

I can tell you unequivocally that s a scam profile. Bet she only has 1 hot photo and she's under 30.


NoWhere said:


> OK. Someone hit at my profile so I read it. And this has to be quite possibly the worst profile I've ever read. Obviously 'down to earth' doesn't include proper grammar and english. Though I can deal with the girl on girl thing.  lol
> 
> What the hell have I gotten myself into here on these dating sites. Are there no more normal people out there. I have a feeling I'm going to be alone for a long time.
> 
> Sad thing is she is very good looking, but ah no thanks


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

Well, I did it. I updated my profile to specifically say that I wasn't looking for a husband, housemate, or a stepfather for my kids and that probably wouldn't change until my kids are grown up (a decade.) 

I hope that will get me closer to what I want. I think there are a lot of guys out there looking to replace wives. I don't want to be a wife, I don't want some guy living with me and my kids interfering with what we have going on that's good, messing with my ability to decide my own schedule on a day to day basis, hold me to last week's priorities, etc. 

I just want a guy I get along with who is fun to be with and can connect to. I have nothing against relationships, but I don't want a DOMESTIC relationship, except the occasional weekend together (undomesticated type, i.e. I'm not doing his dishes and cooking for him while he catches up with work, lol.)


----------



## EnjoliWoman

I'm tired of all of the guys who seem perfect until I read what they have checked they are looking for: slender, athletic or average. I skip them - don't need the rejection.


----------



## nice777guy

EnjoliWoman said:


> I'm tired of all of the guys who seem perfect until I read what they have checked they are looking for: slender, athletic or average. I skip them - don't need the rejection.


Don't be so hard on yourself. It's really just one aspect of what they have pictured as the perfect person. Or if that's really one of the most important characteristics then they must be pretty shallow.


----------



## Freak On a Leash

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> I don't want to be a wife, I don't want some guy living with me and my kids interfering with what we have going on that's good, messing with my ability to decide my own schedule on a day to day basis, hold me to last week's priorities, etc.
> 
> I just want a guy I get along with who is fun to be with and can connect to.


:iagree: You are quite the kindred spirit! :smthumbup: Are you going skiing for Valentine's Day? I am. 



zillard said:


> appreciate women who know what they want, but it weirds me out a little when they offer their number. Maybe because I'm just not used to it.
> 
> Do you ladies do that?
> 
> I have two other prospects and am chatting on FB with a newly single woman in my hometown (we were friends before we both got married). We have plans for dinners, hiking, etc once I move back. I think there is real potential with that one.


I wouldn't be giving out my phone number to anyone I don't know well. Heck, I don't talking on the phone so the last thing I would do would be to encourage phone calls. I'd probably give someone my email address if I took a liking to them but wasn't sure. 

I like your prospect of the newly single woman that you knew before. That's more my style than all this anonymous stuff.


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

Freak On a Leash said:


> :iagree: You are quite the kindred spirit! :smthumbup: Are you going skiing for Valentine's Day? I am.


No, I am going to spend the day at my trophy hobby job wearing a new dress and in the evening taking my daughter as usual out for latte/cocoa and having a writing session and this time I really will people watch. 

We skipped skiing on Monday even though we got dumped in the blizzard, because of freezing rain/sleet and very bad roads. Not real sure when I will get back up there, possibly Friday I think for a bit.


----------



## Freak On a Leash

Stupid warm up on Monday! I'm hoping they've been making snow in the meantime. Hopefully will get a few inches tomorrow night. Going up the Catskills tomorrow, staying overnight and skiing Thursday too. :smthumbup:

If my husband can't give me money he can at least take my son for an overnighter so I can treat myself.


----------



## EnjoliWoman

OMG. So I saw someone mention Zoosk so I signed up, answered a few questions and before I was even done had several views, winks, an email...

I felt like fresh meat. Ew.

AND.... *drumroll* 

First email was from a user whose name is "G Spot Tornado" - REALLY?!?!? How CRUDE is that??? Not just no - HELL no.

Do these dumbasses really think that is going to make women want to reply? I guess they are out there.


----------



## NoWhere

EnjoliWoman said:


> I felt like fresh meat. Ew.
> .


Its funny you say that. I was thinking earlier how it feels like I'm a piece of meat at a shopping center on these sites. Way things are going pretty soon I'll be on sale in the out of date meat section.


----------



## SlowlyGettingWiser

You're funny, NoWhere....you always make me laugh !!!


----------



## NoWhere

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> You're funny, NoWhere....you always make me laugh !!!


Why thank you. You put a big smile on my face this morning. 

You know I'm free and on the market. I'm on aisle 6 in case your interested.


----------



## EnjoliWoman

NoWhere said:


> Its funny you say that. I was thinking earlier how it feels like I'm a piece of meat at a shopping center on these sites. Way things are going pretty soon I'll be on sale in the out of date meat section.


Here I am - a nice rump roast sitting by you in the sausage section. We don't expire nearly as fast as some, though.


----------



## one_strange_otter

EnjoliWoman said:


> OMG. So I saw someone mention Zoosk so I signed up, answered a few questions and before I was even done had several views, winks, an email...
> 
> I felt like fresh meat. Ew.
> 
> AND.... *drumroll*
> 
> First email was from a user whose name is "G Spot Tornado" - REALLY?!?!? How CRUDE is that??? Not just no - HELL no.
> 
> Do these dumbasses really think that is going to make women want to reply? I guess they are out there.


I'm totally getting "G Spot Tornado" engraved into one of my bowling balls....


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## SlowlyGettingWiser

> NoWhere:
> Why thank you. You put a big smile on my face this morning.
> 
> You know I'm free and on the market. I'm on aisle 6 in case your interested.


Oh, you wouldn't like me....apparently I'm a bytch and too picky (ask around!) 

:rofl:


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## SlowlyGettingWiser

> One strange otter:
> I'm totally getting "G Spot Tornado" engraved into one of my bowling balls....


OH! Is *that* what we're calling them now..........:scratchhead:
...wouldn't a tattoo hurt less? ...just sayin'.......



:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

NoWhere said:


> Why thank you. You put a big smile on my face this morning.
> 
> You know I'm free and on the market. I'm on aisle 6 in case your interested.


Sometimes I put on my grocery list: "Man (try aisle 12.)"
That way if I do find a way to score in the supermarket, I have a good pickup line. Excuse me, I'm trying to find this item...


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## Pbartender

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> Sometimes I put on my grocery list: "Man (try aisle 12.)"


[loudspeaker]Clean up on aisle 12... Clean up on aisle 12.[/loudpeaker]


Pb.


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## EnjoliWoman

nice777guy said:


> Don't be so hard on yourself. It's really just one aspect of what they have pictured as the perfect person. Or if that's really one of the most important characteristics then they must be pretty shallow.


Thanks - I just see enough of the men here complain their wife put on weight or they aren't attracted to a woman who has a little extra weight and I assume an athletic guy expects the same. I have full body photos so I'm not misleading anyone. A size 16 isn't a cow but it's bigger than what those guys are looking for I'm guessing.


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## EnjoliWoman

homemaker_numero_uno said:


> sometimes i put on my grocery list: "man (try aisle 12.)"
> that way if i do find a way to score in the supermarket, i have a good pickup line. Excuse me, i'm trying to find this item...


witty! I like!


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## one_strange_otter

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> OH! Is *that* what we're calling them now..........:scratchhead:
> ...wouldn't a tattoo hurt less? ...just sayin'.......
> 
> 
> 
> :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
> 
> .


:rofl::rofl: I literally meant my 14 pound bowling ball.....would make an interesting conversation piece during league play. 

But I like where you went with that....


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## zillard

EnjoliWoman said:


> Thanks - I just see enough of the men here complain their wife put on weight or they aren't attracted to a woman who has a little extra weight and I assume an athletic guy expects the same. I have full body photos so I'm not misleading anyone. A size 16 isn't a cow but it's bigger than what those guys are looking for I'm guessing.


EnjoliWoman, 

My X was always overweight, even before we married. 

I don't care what anyone thinks. She's HOT. And I'm not what men would call a "chubby chaser". Equal opportunity lover - well, within reason.


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## NoWhere

EnjoliWoman said:


> Thanks - I just see enough of the men here complain their wife put on weight or they aren't attracted to a woman who has a little extra weight and I assume an athletic guy expects the same. I have full body photos so I'm not misleading anyone. A size 16 isn't a cow but it's bigger than what those guys are looking for I'm guessing.


 Its also all about attitude and how you carry your weight. I've seen plenty of overweight women who just through their personality and attitude were extremely sexy. 

Some men however are just shallow and only want toothpick girlfriends. Personally I want a little meat on them bones.


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## Deejo

You need to ditch the perspective that you are the one on the auction block.

Think more of yourself as screening a large pool of potential prospects. The majority of which are utter morons. They make the job easy.

Use online dating to your advantage rather than feeling taken advantage of.


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## nice777guy

It's sooo tempting to create a fake profile with a name like G Spot Hurricane. I have this terrible feeling that even though "most" women are "mostly" repulsed by that stuff, it must work some small part of the time or it wouldn't be so common.

Sounds like a really awesome name for a band!!!


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## EnjoliWoman

Wow. I have to admit I was wrong. See, I like me. I'm OK being healthy and happy and imperfect. I thought I had to change for someone else to be OK with me.

Not that I should slack in the health department but really - I'm healthy and pretty strong and active. Just a little hedonistic while still having a pretty strong moral compass.

I have read the comments about your fitness levels and assumed something about you guys AND myself. I really need to work on that!


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## SlowlyGettingWiser

> one strange otter:
> I literally meant my 14 pound bowling ball.....would make an interesting conversation piece during league play.


I know you did! Either one would be HILARIOUS!

If you get the bowling ball done, PLEASE post a pic *here* because (as we like to say on the Social Spot boards), "without pictures....it DIDN'T happen!"

PM me with a pic, I'd love to see it! :smthumbup:


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## inarut

Deejo said:


> You need to ditch the perspective that you are the one on the auction block.
> 
> Think more of yourself as screening a large pool of potential prospects. The majority of which are utter morons. They make the job easy.
> 
> Use online dating to your advantage rather than feeling taken advantage of.


Yes, you are doing the picking not waiting to be selected. This doesnt mean you are agressive or actively pursuing a guy. It is a mind set.


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## NoWhere

How do you women feel about the whole 'like' 'wink' thing? Do any of you initiate contact with a guy whose profile you like or do you silently sit back wait for the guys to do it?

Just curious.


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