# Desperately need strength



## Sylvie0909 (Nov 8, 2012)

The long and the short of it is: I despise my husband of 10 years. Before we were married he led me to believe so many things about him that were/are utterly false.

He doted over my nephews so I'd believe he was good with children. He's the most neglectful, cold father I've ever seen. He promised me that he was good with money but we now have collectors calling our house daily. He told me how much family is important to him and he is shamefully neglectful of his ailing father. He complained about what a slob his ex-wife was and it turns out that HE'S a hoarder. He's the laziest person I've ever met. On and on and on.

I know that the obvious question is why didn't I know all of this? Why did I marry him? First of all we didn't live together before we got married and always spent our time at my place so I knew nothing of the hoarding, collectors, etc. We were around children infrequently so it was easy for him to pretend to like them for such short periods.

Flash forward 10 years: We have a beautiful daughter who we adopted. She has quite a few "issues" like severe ADHD which make parenting quite exhausting. Still, I adore her and feel like we MUST do our best to help her and remain patient with her and love her entirely. I CANNOT believe how heartless is is toward her. He ignores her as much as possible and when she won't let him ignore her anymore he snaps at her. It kills me especially because she has a tenuous social life because of her impulsivity. She needs more than me to provide her with unconditional love but no.

Dilemma is: I'm not working because she's needed so much support at home so I haven't wanted to keep her in day care after a long day of school. Also: I've looked endlessly for a part time job that would still let me be home with her in the afternoons and evenings. So far I have found nothing. Because of my finances, I feel truly trapped.

She "loves" her daddy as all little girls do and am wary of adding to any abandonment issues she may have by leaving him. At least not until she's old enough to understand him realistically rather than as a fantasy. (Currently no option of leaving him anyway because of my financial dependence)

Also....the stability she gets outside of her relationship with me comes from her school, her extracurricular sport and music activities, our lively neighborhood and our church. If I left him we'd surely lose ALL of these things. (He's Chairman of the Board at our church so I'd have to withdraw from that community too...so he's a hypocrite to boot).

I feel like one of us (my daughter or I) has to be utterly miserable: me, if I stay in this hell. Or her if her world falls apart. Obviously it must be me. At least for now. How can I survive this without putting my head in the oven? This is hell on earth. Pure hell.


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## LiamN (Nov 5, 2012)

Think of the example you are setting your daughter. What would you say to her if she was an adult in the same situation and came to you for advice? Would you tell her that the most important thing is her happiness and that she should set an example to others by honouring her own needs first?
On that basis, it is not doing her or you any favors by staying in a "living hell". Can you stay with a friend for a while? Get some financial support.
If your daughter sees you trying to be happy her life will not fall apart. She may not understand immediately but she will one day. In the meantime have confidence in yourself that you CAN find a better life. Take courage and you will find strength and support you didn't know was there.
All the best to you!


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

So you think your daughter is better off staying in a home where her father either ignores her or is mean to her?? AND where her mother is miserable?? 

Seriously. Think about that. I've been both the child and the mother in this same type of situation. Do her a real favor and get out.


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