# Does this flower fundraiser hurt the kids?



## YupItsMe (Sep 29, 2011)

Every year in our local school a fund raiser is conducted where anyone can buy a carnation for anyone else as a valentine gift. The money raised is for a worthy cause. 

Unfortunately the result is plenty of less popular students get no carnation while others gets over a dozen. I remember being in that school seeing the hurt feelings, embarrassment, jealousy, competition, fake anonymous gifts that some bought themselves so they would not be embarrassed, parents buying anonymous carnations for their child to avoid any hurt feelings of being left out or uncared for.

I think the whole thing is sad and ill-thought. I wish it would go away.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

They do this at the high school on Valentine's Day. I don't know what to think about it. 

I was talking to my daughter about it, (she graduated last year), and when she was a senior she had a secret admirer that sent her about 5 flowers over the course of the day, (they get delivered during class). She was actually really embarrassed about it. (She is super shy and hates any attention drawn to her). The years previous she said she never receive any and said it's kind of a crappy feeling when the other kids are getting flowers and you're not.

One thing the ASB does which is kind of cool is cut out hearts and each heart has a student name on it then they're taped all over the school. The student or their friends then find their heart to wear that day.


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## MyHappyPlace (Aug 11, 2013)

I think most school fundraisers are crap. We do not participate in many. When they are giving out presents and gifts to the kids who sell the most overpriced junk, while other students get nothing is ridiculous. No 5 year old legitimately sold 300 tubs of cookie dough, it's a popularity contest of the parents and when there are parents who cannot take order forms to work, or who don't have dozens of rich friends, or have multiple children attending one school and have to divide orders up to be fair... 

Sorry, tangent. I REALLY detest school fundraisers. lol

As for the flowers, candy-grams, and other such stuff, they are just as hurtful to students of all ages. Unless the school is going to compensate and ensure that ALL students will receive one by days end. 

Best fundraiser I saw at a school was for the 6th graders to attend Disneyland. They got approval from the school, and sold "Gum tickets" for $1. The next day, they sold sticks of gum for 10 cents and anybody with a ticket was allowed to chew gum on campus for that day. They raised over $1000 for their trip and they all went on clean up duty over the weekend and picked up any gum on campus.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

The only fundraiser I buy is the gift wrap at the beginning of the year. I figure I need it anyway for Christmas and it's really good quality. Not the cheap stuff that rips easily when you're trying to wrap a present.

I don't buy the cookie dough either. My daughter is a baker and she makes great cookies, lol.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

meh, I think kids need to get a little tougher. Life is full of disappointments. A parent can talk about it afterward and ask the kid to work through his/her feelings about it, and come out determined to make choices in life that either don't need to be affirmed like that, or else get them the affirmations. 

This sounds just like the new rule of not using red ink on kids' papers so they don't get 'embarrassed' by other kids knowing they made a bad grade. Don't like getting embarrassed? Work harder or get help! 

We do our kids no favors by not letting them feel life's normal emotions.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

turnera said:


> meh, I think kids need to get a little tougher. Life is full of disappointments. A parent can talk about it afterward and ask the kid to work through his/her feelings about it, and come out determined to make choices in life that either don't need to be affirmed like that, or else get them the affirmations.
> 
> This sounds just like the new rule of not using red ink on kids' papers so they don't get 'embarrassed' by other kids knowing they made a bad grade. Don't like getting embarrassed? Work harder or get help!
> 
> We do our kids no favors by not letting them feel life's normal emotions.


This. SO much this.

These are the same kids who grow up and have NO IDEA how to handle real emotions


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

This exact subject is going on this very hour on the Diane Rehm show:
Megan McArdle: "The Up Side Of Down" | The Diane Rehm Show from WAMU and NPR


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## Malpheous (May 3, 2013)

My thoughts on it may be chalked off to that cold male... 

But, life isn't fair. I think that sort of fund-raiser serves a well needed lesson in the schools. 

Too often I hear of things like 'everyone gets an award so nobody's feeling are hurt' or the 'no kid left behind' system. Those situations are the real problem. 

When I go to work I perform, or I don't. Based on that I excel in my career, or I don't. I get a bonus, or I don't. I keep my job, or I don't. Why should anything in this world be any different? 

It's possible to instill a sense of pride and accomplishment in a child for having participated without teaching them that they'll always get the same as everyone else. Teaching them that is unrealistic and downright mean.

Before you suggest that the fundraiser shouldn't have happened since it wouldn't have been "fair" ask yourself "why should the kids that got flowers be punished by not being able to participate?".

Many people have brought the idea if fair to meaning that if one person has something, everyone should have it the same or none should have it at all. I was raised to believe that fair means that you get what you earn and you earn what you get.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

And yes, you can 'earn' lots of flowers by being an awesome friend to everyone. JMHO


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

turnera said:


> meh, I think kids need to get a little tougher. Life is full of disappointments. A parent can talk about it afterward and ask the kid to work through his/her feelings about it, and come out determined to make choices in life that either don't need to be affirmed like that, or else get them the affirmations.
> 
> This sounds just like the new rule of not using red ink on kids' papers so they don't get 'embarrassed' by other kids knowing they made a bad grade. Don't like getting embarrassed? Work harder or get help!
> 
> We do our kids no favors by not letting them feel life's normal emotions.


I was the kid in school that never got the secret admirer stuff. I'm SO glad that when I got out in the real world, I hadn't been conditioned to expect everyone to treat me "fairly".

School should be prepping these kids for real life, and making sure everyone gets a flower, or a candygram, or whatever is doing them a disservice in the end.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

It's so nice to see people posting my exact thoughts. If you express this sort of opinion out loud IRL you're labeled a child hater or jerk.


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## Malpheous (May 3, 2013)

ScarletBegonias said:


> It's so nice to see people posting my exact thoughts. If you express this sort of opinion out loud IRL you're labeled a child hater or jerk.


I'm ok with being the jerk. People need some reality.


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## MyHappyPlace (Aug 11, 2013)

Malpheous said:


> When I go to work I perform, or I don't. Based on that I excel in my career, or I don't. I get a bonus, or I don't. I keep my job, or I don't. Why should anything in this world be any different?
> 
> It's possible to instill a sense of pride and accomplishment in a child for having participated without teaching them that they'll always get the same as everyone else. Teaching them that is unrealistic and downright mean.
> 
> I was raised to believe that fair means that you get what you earn and you earn what you get.





turnera said:


> This sounds just like the new rule of not using red ink on kids' papers so they don't get 'embarrassed' by other kids knowing they made a bad grade. Don't like getting embarrassed? Work harder or get help!


Apples and oranges. These situations don't apply. The flower fundraiser has absolutely nothing to do with getting what they work for. It is a popularity contest and nothing more. So it becomes a thing of cliques.

I have two amazing sons in the same junior high. One is quiet, reserved, has a few really close friends who would stick with him no matter what. The other is loud, a class clown and is "friends" with everybody but not a bond that would weather a storm. Neither personality is wrong but the number of flowers they would receive would be extremely different. Quite frankly, neither of my children would care, they already live in a world where they are treated astronomically different. 

But it definitely affects children who are already low on self esteem and/or bullied at school. Some people chalk it up to "life isn't fair, teach them that now" but their emotional stability as teenagers, still children, is so different than an adults. They perceive emotions differently. To turn it into an adult situation: You and your coworker do the exact same amount of work but you are more of an introvert, maybe you have a spouse and children at home and your coworker is single. So after work everyday, you head home to your responsibilities and the coworker heads to the bar/gym/whatever with the boss. Promotion comes up and the coworker gets it. Not because he works harder than you or produces better, but because he's buds with the boss. Do you shrug and say "oh well, life's not fair" or would you get a little ticked off? Most people would be a little peeved. The only difference is that children process that "popularity rejection" as hurt instead of anger.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

MyHappyPlace said:


> You and your coworker do the exact same amount of work but you are more of an introvert, maybe you have a spouse and children at home and your coworker is single. So after work everyday, you head home to your responsibilities and the coworker heads to the bar/gym/whatever with the boss. Promotion comes up and the coworker gets it. Not because he works harder than you or produces better, but because he's buds with the boss. Do you shrug and say "oh well, life's not fair" or would you get a little ticked off? Most people would be a little peeved. The only difference is that children process that "popularity rejection" as hurt instead of anger.


This example proves why kids need to get used to things like this happening.This really is how life can be. Would you rather be the adult who grew up understanding things aren't always based on fair things or would you rather be the adult who gets slapped in the face with reality then falls to pieces over it?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

MyHappyPlace said:


> But it definitely affects children who are already low on self esteem and/or bullied at school.


You don't think we had bullies 40 years ago? We did. And we suffered at their hands just like kids today do. But we did learn from it, cos we didn't have people rushing in to 'protect' us, and we came out stronger. Why do you think there is so much press the last decade or so about how the kids coming out of high school are so difficult to work with? It's because they're becoming increasingly sheltered from suffering defeat and rebuilding themselves out of it, which is how people learn to grow, be proud of themselves, and know they can handle anything.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

MyHappyPlace said:


> You and your coworker do the exact same amount of work but you are more of an introvert, maybe you have a spouse and children at home and your coworker is single. So after work everyday, you head home to your responsibilities and the coworker heads to the bar/gym/whatever with the boss. Promotion comes up and the coworker gets it. Not because he works harder than you or produces better, but because he's buds with the boss. Do you shrug and say "oh well, life's not fair" or would you get a little ticked off? Most people would be a little peeved. The only difference is that children process that "popularity rejection" as hurt instead of anger.


Well, since I'm from the group that was never sheltered from that, when it happens - and it does, always has - I get smarter. I use my brain to figure out what it takes to get ahead in my career, instead of going home and feeling sorry for myself. I force myself to go outside my introverted comfort zone; I take Toastmasters classes; I sign up for extra educational courses; I volunteer for studies; I DO go out once in a while with the group so the boss remembers me; I ask my boss what project I can do to get ahead. In other words, I MAKE MY OWN SUCCESS instead of sitting at home after work waiting for my boss to recognize my wonderfulness.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I"m with the camp that thinks it builds character. It's unrealistic to think that every one loves you just for being born you. Or that you are special. You are only special to your family and friends, not the rest of the world. 

Everyone is not a winner, everyone does not make the team or get the part in the play and everyone does not get a gold star. That is a fact of life. 

"If it weren't for the valleys, there would be no mountains." If everything is celebrated, it becomes less special. So what if you got another gold star? But if you worked really hard and got one and half the class didn't, then that is really great! 

Making everyone equal may seem fair but instead it denies those who have cultivated the friendships/grades/skills a true celebration of success.

ETA - I don't mind the fundraiser. And much better than all of the candy and junk that is peddled to raise funds. Also it's a better way to handle V-day, IMO. Back in my day boys could have flowers delivered so the school office would be piled with vases of roses and girls had to pick them up and haul them around all day.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

EnjoliWoman said:


> I"m with the camp that thinks it builds character. It's unrealistic to think that every one loves you just for being born you. Or that you are special. You are only special to your family and friends, not the rest of the world.
> 
> Everyone is not a winner, everyone does not make the team or get the part in the play and everyone does not get a gold star. That is a fact of life.


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## captainstormy (Jun 15, 2012)

Throw me in the camp that thinks kids need to toughen up. Life isn't fair, you can't make it fair. That's what communism was all about and it failed miserably.

Something, will always be unfair. Better to learn to handle it early in life.


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