# Help needed on the best course of action



## 44yearsold (Feb 12, 2013)

My wife has been convinced since day one that I don't love her and that I always look at other women. She has absolutely no reason to have such mistrust in me!

Since we've been together the only one who's been guilty of infidelity has been her not long after the birth of our 5th child and situation that surrounded it, but once again it was because according to her at least that it was my fault and that I didn't love her and was not giving her attention due to plughing all my attention towards something she wanted me to do to fight for what happend to our boy. 

I forgave her what she did (which tore my hart out) and I went out of my way to prove my love to her and I never raise the subject again. However, it doesn't seem to matter what I do she is convinced that I don't love her and carries this around with her constantly and brings up the past accusations in arguments despite the fact I will not bring up her past infidelity. 

It’s at the root of every argument we have. On occasions in my frustration with her constant mistrust I will admit that I do at times get angry and say something I shouldn't but I try to avoid confrontation as much as possible by locking myself in the other room.

When I walk away from the argument she walks after me and keeps trying to get a reaction by getting nastier with her words. It’s as almost like she wants me to snap.
When I do shout it is mainly due to being cut short when she starts to initiate an argument out of the blue and when I try to answered back she will keep saying the same things and talking over me and will not let me reply. 

Once I do try to shout over her she accuses me of using my anger to win the argument 
Since we first met over 20 years ago she has always had trust issues and accused me of looking at other women when I know hand on hart I never had, she would check my phone, emails and later Facebook in the hope of finding something. This then started to subside after we started to have a family. 

She was later put on anti-depressants after she admitted she had problems when she started to get worse years later. She was diagnosed with clinical depression brought on after the birth of our fifth child who was born two months perm and later contracted Meningitis and became servilely disabled. 

Her family history was also said to be at the root of her problems. 
She likes to keep digging up her past and the way she was treated by her ex-boyfriends and family members. She told me that her father used to visit prostitutes when she was in her early teens and that her Ex used to beat her up regularly. 
I negated my career path and order to support her and out youngest. While she was on the anti-depressants she was great however she would drink during the weekends and at times the same person would come back. 

I could feel in my stomach when it was about to happen and I would just be waiting for it and as much I tried to be nice and be a careful with my words she would find an excuse to have a go at me. 
She later came off the anti-depressants by herself as she said they were turning her into a zombie, admittedly she did start to convert back to staying in a darkened room hardly venturing out. For I while she was ok but over the last few months she has gone back to her depressive self but much worse and in my view is now in denial that she has a problem but claiming its me that needs to see someone. 

Last weekend was the final straw for me as she went from being happy to switching within seconds to shouting at me because one of the boys left a dirty cup in the sink she then started to the accusations again and told me to leave. 

I walked out and drove around for a few hours ignoring the abusive texts I was getting but all the same were hurting me more and more to the point I’m bubbling my eyes out nearly crashing the car. I then went back to try and talk to her but she became cold and would only bring up past accusations to the point I had to walk away again.

I simply don't believe I deserve it and I get offended and hurt by her accusations. I love her and done everything in my power to support her, and don't want to be without her - but the constant unpleasantness and the frequency of our arguments is really having an adverse effect on my general health and peace of mind.

I have since been living in my car with nowhere to go as I have only just left my job after 24 years in order to start up my own business. I was given a large pension from my last job and I said she can have the lot. She has since bombarded me with texts becoming more abusive and demanded my passwords to my Email accounts and my Facebook account. I have a twitter account for marketing reasons and one follower is a female who is in the same industry but I do not know and have never communicated with. My boys have messaged me via FB and support me as they have grown up with it. 

Normally I would just hand over what she requested but at 44 I feel I have to stop doing everything I’m told to do on demand just so she can read into anything that she wants. Am I right, Should I man up and stand up to her? Should I just brake free or should I just do as im told and carry on until I end up doing myself in. 
Advice please.


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## Sillyputty (Jan 22, 2013)

Wow 44, I really feel for you man. I have a short answer and a couple of questions... the short answer: By all means man up and stop doing everything she tells you to. She won't like it but at least you will restore some dignity with yourself (and possibly with her for that matter). Questions: 1) Why on earth 5 kids when, presumably, you could see the writing on the wall in the early going? 2) Is there a known history of mental ilness in her family?


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## 44yearsold (Feb 12, 2013)

1. Cause I love her! We had Periods of separation due to my Job. I was, until five weeks ago in the Armed Forces for 24 years and we both wanted kids. However, we were trying for a girl and just kept going until our youngest had his problems. It was not so much I could see we would end like this from the early stages, just that I knew she had bouts of jealousy that she could not control. Most of the time I could roll with the psychological blows as they were not that bad. They just got worse as she went into a more depressive state after our last boy. The first time I supported her through it and took the blows as we have a boy who needs us both and I had to remain strong for him. 


2. Yes her grandmother had the same problems and I'm told she used to knock her Grandpa about. I will add she does not hot me or lash out. I wish she would as it would not hurt as much as the words are more hurtfull..

There is also a history of incest in the family and an uncle soon to be on trial for pedophilia. I know what people are going to say. She has trust issues with men but she will not listen or go back to a doctor due to not wanting to admit she still has problems and I know she does not want to go back on medication.


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