# Have kept this from my wife for now



## mhg (Dec 5, 2012)

For the first time in 14 years, I have kept something from my wife. Not sure what to do so some advice/opinions would be helpful.

How many of you would willingly take on someone else's children, knowing these children are going to be a full time job?
Would the women on here feel obliged to agree to take them if your husband/partner told you someone in his family was surrendering their children?
And men, how fair would it be of me, in this case, to even ask?
My wife has already raised her own two plus my two, who were both traumatised when we got them, so I'm not sure it's a fair thing to ask.
She has just started to do things for herself, things she has always wanted to do. 
I know she would take these kids, welcome them with open arms, at the expense of her own dreams.


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## Bellavista (May 29, 2012)

My husband & I did take in my niece & nephew for a couple of months many years ago. At the time we had 5 of our own aged 2-11 & the two we took in were 3 & 6. 
It just about drove me demented because the parents kept calling & messing the kids up. In the end, my brother sorted himself out & took them back.

More recently, we discussed if the need arose, would we take our granddaughter. She is our son's daughter & both our son & the mother have serious issues. As much as it would mess our lives up, yes we would take her, because the alternative would be worse.

If my husband asked if children from his relatives could live with us & we were the only sane option, yes, we would take them in.


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## keepsmiling (Nov 20, 2012)

This isn't easy because although it might seem the right thing to do, for your wife and marriage's sake it might not be. All I can say is what I live with: my parents, sister and her 2 yo son. Every day I am woken by the little one's noise, every day my sister gets my mum to do x y and z to care for him. My mum is more of a mother - again - than any grandmother. And so she puts her plans on hold every day, doesn't get out and do anything she wants to do, so she can make sure that little one is raised well (my parents do not believe my sister could raise him on her own, she's still mentally a child). So we go day to day, working aorund what my sister wants, and never doing anything for ourselves. We wouldn't change the fact that little one exists, of course, but I can see in my mum's face she is damn stressed and tired and she and Dad struggle to communicate nicely.

That's enough rambling. I sincerely hope you do not do this to your wife, it tears me apart to see my parents like this. Best wishes.


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## mhg (Dec 5, 2012)

Have just been faxed more info. God it just gets worse.

There are SEVEN children. Good grief. SEVEN! I thought maybe two or three, but 7, bloody hell. The original letter I got from the mothers (and I use the term loosely) legal rep just said "children."

It gets worse. Again.

The oldest is a 7 yr old girl, then a 6 yo boy, twin girls aged 4, another girl aged 3, a boy 18 mths and a 4 month old baby girl with Down Syndrome.

I also requested a medical evaluation which came through with this info.

The 6 and 7 yr olds are the only ones toilet trained. The others all still wear nappies. Obviously the baby would, and the 18 month old, but 4 yr olds? Even 3 is getting on a bit to wear a nappy constantly.

The medical info is horrifying.

There's a family member I'd sincerely like to smack in the face about now.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

mhg said:


> Have just been faxed more info. God it just gets worse.
> 
> There are SEVEN children. Good grief. SEVEN! I thought maybe two or three, but 7, bloody hell. The original letter I got from the mothers (and I use the term loosely) legal rep just said "children."
> 
> ...


It states the 3 and 4 year olds wear them constantly? Or that they wear them at night, due to accidents? There is a big difference between the two.

Regarding your original question... yes. If my husband told me that his sister was losing her kids for whatever reason, I'd take them in...and they're all teen/preteen! But the same would apply if my sister couldn't handle her daughter (age 4). Honestly, if any relative needed to have someone take their kids, we'd do it... if we are capable and have the space for them to sleep/are able to acquire the beds necessary, etc. I wouldn't consider it an obligation per se, because if we don't have the room and the necessities for them, then we obviously couldn't take them. But if we do, that's a different story, for us.

So, if you're contemplating taking the relative's kids, perhaps you should figure out how to work it out, and how YOU will help her with them. 7 kids is a huge responsibility. Sure, the 6 and 7 year olds, and even the 3 & 4 year olds, can help out with the babies. But if you want her to be receptive to this, you need to be able to show her how YOU are going to help out with them. If she has dreams to go to school, see if she can take evening classes while you tend to the kids. Or if your job is flexible so you can work nights when she has day classes and vice versa. She needs to see that you are not going to put this all on her.


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

7, holy moly. How many are getting services? I wouldn't assume that it's necessarily in their best interests for you to take all 7. If there's been neglect or abuse, they might do better with more individualized attention. Is there a social worker that you're in contact with? You definitely need one involved.

As far as telling your wife, I think you should tell her, because secrets generally are a bad idea. 

I hope this works out for those poor kids!


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## mhg (Dec 5, 2012)

This is part of my problem - I'm not sure I want to do this. I KNOW my wife would say yes in a heartbeat, but I really don't think it's fair on her. 7 children is a massive undertaking considering what's written in the medical report. They all have various issues and medical problems, mostly due to the life they've been living.

And yes, the 3 and 4's are in nappies constantly. Night time I can understand, but during the day seems a bit much. Accidents are normal, but according to the report, the children don't understand how to toilet themselves. Having never been taught, I suppose it's natural.

The report states, and I quote, - the children tend to stare vacantly when issued with directions, flinch/cower when voices are raised, and have no interest in affection/touch. The oldest child can recite her name and age, the younger children appear to have no concept of their names or other details. The children are all withdrawn and non-vocal, and are unable to answer simple questions. It is my opinion that they are all in dire need of intervention to assist them in socialisation skills and day-to-day activities of daily living. Further evaluations re mental status is highly recommended. 

As for what I could do to help, I would simply stop working completely. I am self employed, so have the option to pass all my work onto my staff. That isn't an issue. 

The issue is, do I want to do this to her?


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## happysnappy (Jan 8, 2013)

I think this is not a decision you can make for her. She has a right to choose for herself. This sounds like a life changer. There are many reasons these kids could be staring into space. The least of which is autism. I personally love children but could not imagine taking on so many with problems.


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## mhg (Dec 5, 2012)

northernlights said:


> 7, holy moly. How many are getting services? I wouldn't assume that it's necessarily in their best interests for you to take all 7. If there's been neglect or abuse, they might do better with more individualized attention. Is there a social worker that you're in contact with? You definitely need one involved.
> 
> As far as telling your wife, I think you should tell her, because secrets generally are a bad idea.
> 
> I hope this works out for those poor kids!


The social worker in their home state has recommended the children be together if at all possible. If they go into foster care, they will be split up into pairs. She informed me that the baby would be difficult to find foster parents for, simply because she has Down Syndrome. Don't see why that would make a difference, she's still a little baby.

And yes, we have a brilliant child psychologist/counsellor as a close friend, and an excellent GP that specialises in traumatised children.

I know, secrets are a bad idea. Never done it before, but knowing what she's like, she would take them and her own dreams would fly out the window.
I feel like a real pig, because these kids are so obviously desperate, and I know damn well she would be brilliant with them.


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

I have four children aged 8, 6, 3 and 2 and I think they are a handful. A lovely handful, but very stressful.

I have often thought, but not made plans for yet, what would happen if anything happened to me. My older two are from a previous relationship, so my husband is their stepdad, and then we have the littlest two together. As far as I and the kids are concerned, they are siblings. One family, if you get me. They are never referred to as "half" brothers/sisters.

What I am saying is do you know much about the dynamics of the sibling relationships? For example, the social worker said they could be split up into pairs. I am wondering if there are other family members nearby who may be able to care for a number of the children so they are split, but are able to see each other regularly? On the one hand it would be amazing to be able to keep them together, BUT is a massive ask on anyone.


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## Caterpillar (Mar 21, 2010)

Wow - this is a BIG ask and I admire you for seriously considering it and for being mindful of possibility of overburdening wife, as good natured as she is. 

But does it have to be a straightforward immediate yes/no decision? Is there maybe some way you can test the waters - e.g. visits with the children where they are now residing to start with, then have them over to your home for a number of long weekends before making a final decision on how to proceed. 

Even if you and your wife decided you could not take them all on, is their another option for staying in their lives as a constant/linchpin?


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

I think you absolutely need to talk to your wife about this before you give it anymore thought, ask for any more information, or go any further in your investigations. 

However, if you are not 100% sure you want to raise all of those children, with their attendant issues, then I don't think you should ask your wife to seriously consider doing this with you. It will be a monumental task that both of you will have to be 100% on board with and 100% involved in. Special needs kids are tough on marriages. Seven, developmentally delayed, emotionally damaged, medically fragile, children is a guarantee of marital strife, resentment, and exhaustion. This will rock your marriage, your lives and your emotional health. You should both really think long and hard about whether you want to, or are even emotionally, physically, psychologically, and financially capable of taking this on. And even if/when you think you're prepared, you won't be.

I'm not trying to be Debbie Downer, but I know what having even a single special needs child can do to a marriage. This isn't something you should even think about taking on if both of you aren't _fully_ informed and _fully_ committed.


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## Cheryl88 (Dec 31, 2012)

You should absolutely talk to your wife about this asap. Those feelings that you have now are only going to build over time and by the time you're at breaking point it'll be far too late to do anything about it. 

Even though your wife would be taking these children on with honourable intentions, it'd be quite selfish of her to not ask for your opinion before going ahead with it. Seven children is a MASSIVE commitment & a MASSIVE responsibility - I can't even begin to imagine what that would be like. 

I understand that there may be an innate sense of obligation to take these kids under your wing, but if it's going to destroy your lives then ultimately nobody would win through that arrangement.

Don't stay quiet, you have to talk about this!


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## curlysue321 (Jul 30, 2012)

I really think you are asking a lot. I raised my kids already and am struggling with having a very young stepchild that has 11 more years until he graduates high school. I am happy to do it because I love my husband, but feel I earned this time to myself.


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## d4life (Nov 28, 2012)

It would take a very special family to take that many children in, especially with some of them with special needs. I know right now that as much as I would love to, that would be a bit much for me to handle. 

You are faced with a very hard decision. I wish you the very best.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

What is in the children's best interests? 

While splitting them up may be painful for them, perhaps individualized attention would be more available through separate placements? Getting them up to speed developmentally will take lots of individual attention.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Blonde said:


> What is in the children's best interests?
> 
> While splitting them up may be painful for them, perhaps individualized attention would be more available through separate placements? Getting them up to speed developmentally will take lots of individual attention.


I don't think normal people are capable of taking in seven kids and raising them right especially when one has DS. Maybe OP and wife are the rare people who can.


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## Hopefull363 (Feb 13, 2012)

Do you have the room for 7 children? Would any full time outside help accompany them? Maybe from a state agency? You and your wife should make this decision together. Tell her your fears.


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## mhg (Dec 5, 2012)

Thundarr said:


> I don't think normal people (any not super human) are capable of taking in seven kids and raising them right especially when one is handicapped. Maybe OP and wife are super human.


You like to assume a lot don't you? If you can't give constructive advice or criticism, keep your ridiculous sarcasm to yourself.
And handicapped is an outdated word.



Thundarr said:


> If you want them then talk to your wife. It sounds unmanageable and unrealistic but who am I to know. There's a good chance you want be considered capable by the state to take them all in anyway. Especially since there are so many and one with down.
> 
> 
> By the way, you say your two were traumatised when you got them. What does that even mean and why did you mention it. It sounds an awful lot like an excuse or explaination for how they turned out.


Sorry to disappoint you, but my two boys "turned out" just fine thanks.
I mentioned they were traumatised to show that my super-human wife has raised troubled children before and done it brilliantly.
And just so you know, they were traumatised, which means damaged emotionally/mentally, by a drug addicted mother that disappeared with them when they were little more than babies. She died a few years later and we were eventually tracked down and they were sent to us.
Ok?


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## mhg (Dec 5, 2012)

To answer a few questions that have been asked -

If we don't take them, could we stay in touch? Only by phone/email/skye etc. They live in WA, we are in Qld. Other side of the country.

Yes we would have room for them all. 

What's in the children's best interests? The report from the social worker says she recommends keeping them together if at all possible. Apparently they are all extremely bonded with each other to the exclusion of anyone else, and the SW feels it would be detrimental to them to split them up.
I did make the point to her in my return email that as they are somewhat delayed in some aspects, that getting them individual attention might be better.

Yet to receive a reply.

And yes, to those that have commented along the same lines, I do think it's asking too much of my wife.

Trouble is, if I tell her, I know what she will say.
If I don't say anything and she finds out from someone else, she will be stunned and hurt that I didn't tell her.

Regardless, I've decided to tell her and we'll go from there.

Thanks to all who have advised and given constructive criticism.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

I have a lot of experience with special needs so the Down's Syndrome aspect wouldn't scare me though I'd have to get up to speed on that particular special needs. 
I would do it. I couldn't let them be split up. I know my husband would support me in that too. Where we live, people are VERY family oriented and it's very common to have multi-generational homes. I take in other people's animals and take care of them, I doubt that I would let children be treated with any less consideration. But that's me. I'm not your wife. And as the others said, it is a HUGE adjustment for all of you.

Handicapped is an outdated term much like retard (no one used that term in this thread..I'm just saying that we use words like "disabled" now to refer to people who have special needs.)


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## mhg (Dec 5, 2012)

Caterpillar said:


> Wow - this is a BIG ask and I admire you for seriously considering it and for being mindful of possibility of overburdening wife, as good natured as she is.
> 
> But does it have to be a straightforward immediate yes/no decision? Is there maybe some way you can test the waters - e.g. visits with the children where they are now residing to start with, then have them over to your home for a number of long weekends before making a final decision on how to proceed.
> 
> Even if you and your wife decided you could not take them all on, is their another option for staying in their lives as a constant/linchpin?


Our decision doesn't have to be made immediately. Just as well, because this is a huge thing to even consider. 
They are in care at the moment, but it's only temporary and has to be reviewed within three months. 
Because we live on opposite sides of the country, arranging short visits would be almost impossible.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

mhg said:


> You like to assume a lot don't you? If you can't give constructive advice or criticism, keep your ridiculous sarcasm to yourself.
> And handicapped is an outdated word.
> 
> Sorry to disappoint you, but my two boys "turned out" just fine thanks.
> ...


Expressing that most people would have a VERY HARD time being capable of taking in seven children and one of this with down syndrome (which is condsidered a mental disability) is not sarcastic at all. It's the truth.

It's great that your kids turned out "just fine". I just didn't understand why the disclaimer. Now I do. It was your way of saying you've handled adversity with raising kids with emotional issues. That's great but you don't seem to handle conversation well with adults. This is a forum where honest opinions are expressed which is what you recieved.



mhg said:


> And yes, to those that have commented along the same lines, I do think it's asking too much of my wife.


If you recognize this then why the anger about me saying it's A LOT to take on. By super human, I mean it takes special person or couple to be up for the challenge. Somehow you spin this to something nasty.


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## mhg (Dec 5, 2012)

tobio said:


> I have four children aged 8, 6, 3 and 2 and I think they are a handful. A lovely handful, but very stressful.
> 
> I have often thought, but not made plans for yet, what would happen if anything happened to me. My older two are from a previous relationship, so my husband is their stepdad, and then we have the littlest two together. As far as I and the kids are concerned, they are siblings. One family, if you get me. They are never referred to as "half" brothers/sisters.
> 
> What I am saying is do you know much about the dynamics of the sibling relationships? For example, the social worker said they could be split up into pairs. I am wondering if there are other family members nearby who may be able to care for a number of the children so they are split, but are able to see each other regularly? On the one hand it would be amazing to be able to keep them together, BUT is a massive ask on anyone.


They would be split into pairs so it's easier to find foster homes for them. There are no other family members in WA. I have contacted my sisters, neither of them is able to take on any. We are the only ones that have the practical means to take them all on. 
It was suggested that the father/s of the children be contacted, but seeing as the mother doesn't know their last names and none are registered on the birth certificates, it's nigh on impossible.


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## mhg (Dec 5, 2012)

Thundarr said:


> Expressing that most people would have a VERY HARD time being capable of taking in seven children and one of this with down syndrome (which is condsidered a mental handicap) is not sarcastic at all. It's the truth.
> 
> It's great that your kids turned out "just fine". I just didn't understand why the disclaimer. Now I do. It was your way of saying you've handled adversity with raising kids with emotional issues. That's great but you don't seem to handle conversation well with adults. This is a forum where honest opinions are expressed which is what you recieved.
> 
> ...


Mate, if I took you the wrong way then I'll be the first to apologise. But to me, your "super human" comment came across as sarcastic. 
I value honesty above all else, so yeah, be as blunt and honest as you can. 
I'm not angry about anyone saying it's a lot to take on. I KNOW it's a lot. Too much as far as I'm concerned. 
I suppose I'm struggling with feeling obliged to take them. That sounds bloody terrible but it's the truth.

Like I said, if I've taken you the wrong way, I apologise.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

mhg said:


> Mate, if I took you the wrong way then I'll be the first to apologise. But to me, your "super human" comment came across as sarcastic.
> I value honesty above all else, so yeah, be as blunt and honest as you can.
> I'm not angry about anyone saying it's a lot to take on. I KNOW it's a lot. Too much as far as I'm concerned.
> I suppose I'm struggling with feeling obliged to take them. That sounds bloody terrible but it's the truth.
> ...


It's happened before so apparently my wording is not always expressing the intent. I look up to people who adopt and foster. Even one is a lot but 2-3-or7. And one has a disability (should have used that word first time).


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

I have faced this type of decision. 

My sister has three illigitimate children (3, 6 and 8) from two different fathers. One father is in jail and one is hiding on an indian reservation. Both are dead beat losers. My sister is a welfare queen and was living in a long term motel with her kids. She's totally clueless about how her daily choices impact her children's lives. She is basically a lost cause at age 44. 

She ended up getting busted for meth and the kids were taken by social services. After sobering up she wanted me to take the kids so they could stay together until she gets out in 9 months. She wrote a well crafted e-mail that I know she had help writting because she's basically illiterate. This e-mail arrived during one of the best days of my life while I was watching my son participate in a high school state championship. Oh the irony. Anyway, it was painful decision to make because I know these kids are innocents and I had a mother exactly like theirs. By the way, the children have emotional issues and one has a physical disability. Here are some of the things I thought about before saying no.....


I didn't believe my sister would be able to get out of jail and re-establish a home without significant help. I would be the one who had to make all that happen on every front. She doesn't have the skills or dicipline. Basically this was going to be a long term commitment.

It would have disrupted my sons lives who are also innocents. There was no way we could give them the attention they were getting once the little ones arrived. My sons would have resented me for it once they were old enough to reflect on what happened.

I could not ask my wife to help raise these babies at age 48 while she was working a full time job. We would not have been able to afford day care so she would have had to quit. That's a huge commitment and a totally new life for her. Not exactly what she had in mind at this age.

If my wife quit her job our lifestyles would have had to change due to having less income. Our home was not big enough for three more children so we would have also had to move.

My sisters drama would now be part of my life and its the kind of drama that drags you down. I struggled at a young age to get away from my family so I could have a better life. 

My marriage is not strong enough to survive it anyway. It's a work in progress on the best day. This would break it for sure.

In the end I realized I was not the type of person to do this. I didn't create the situation and don't think it's my responsibility to repair it. I wouldn't be doing with a healthy attitude and it would show. Sounds a bit cold, but I think its realistic. What your contemplating is beyond my comprehension. You should talk to your wife immediately and ask yourself why you feel the need to rescue so badly.

Peace


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

First off, you need to discuss this with your wife.

Second, you need to HONESTLY look at yourself and your capabilities and decide if you are even capable of taking on all these kids. Beyond the special needs child I'm just going to guess there are emotional issues with at least some of these children.


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## SoStrong (Dec 25, 2012)

Is it possible if you were to get custody of these children to hire help with them? That way all the pressure isn't on you or your wife. Find someone that specializes in socially stunted behavior? It's obvious that they are going to need LOTS of love and attention to even start to live a normal healthy life.
Good Luck and God bless you for even contemplating taking on this kind of responsibility.


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## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

mhg said:


> Mate, if I took you the wrong way then I'll be the first to apologise. But to me, your "super human" comment came across as sarcastic.
> I value honesty above all else, so yeah, be as blunt and honest as you can.
> I'm not angry about anyone saying it's a lot to take on. I KNOW it's a lot. Too much as far as I'm concerned.
> I suppose I'm struggling with feeling obliged to take them. That sounds bloody terrible but it's the truth.


It must be a really difficult decision and I can totally understand why you would feel obligated to care for these children.
The fact is though if you take these children in and either you or your wife are prepared or really want to take these children on and give up personal dreams then there is a good chance that not only will you and your wife suffer, the children you want to help possibly could end up suffering as well.
There's only so much a person can take (or take on) be realistic of your wife's or your limit.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

Taking them in would be a kindness. I think you should talk to your wife about taking in the children. Perhaps you guys can discuss a more reasonable balance of duties so that she has time for her activities, too. 

I imagine the kids would do better with you than in the corrupt foster care system.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

In a marriage, you can't make decisions for the other person. You have to give them the full truth and trust them to be honest in return about what they want.
<3


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## mhg (Dec 5, 2012)

The last two hours have been like a whirlwind.

I told my wife, and as I expected, she was immediately in tears thinking about these kids. 

So this is where we stand at the moment.

We are making arrangements to fly us, our child psych friend and our four kids to WA to meet the kids. While only one of our kids lives at home, we think they should all have a say in what's going on seeing as they all come home on weekends most of the time.

We'll be there for a week, and my wife is arranging specialist appointments to assess each child. As much as they can be assessed at least. 

My wife has this idea of having all the children in one room, where it's under camera surveillance etc, and just seeing what happens when the children are alone. How they interact when they think they're not being watched etc. Child psych thinks this is a good starting point and that perhaps the kids have shut down due to all the crap they're going through.
Social workers have spoken to the mother again, and apparently spoken to neighbours in the area they were living. Mother insists all kids can speak. 
Neighbours say kids can speak, appeared "normal" to them, but were rarely seen and often heard crying and running from their mother while she chased them and screamed at them. Apparently one neighbour said the oldest girl turned up at their door one day and asked very quietly if she could please have the oranges that had dropped off their tree because her brothers and sisters were all hungry. When they said yes, she thanked them, and after they took her into the back yard to get the oranges, she handed them over the fence to the other kids. The child then climbed over the fence, and the neighbours watched as the girl peeled the fruit and pulled it apart, telling the others they had to share.
This isn't a sign of a mentally challenged child.
No one knew about the baby. ?


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## Hopefull363 (Feb 13, 2012)

No matter what decision you make it will be the right one since you're making it as a family. Good luck to all of you.


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## Bellavista (May 29, 2012)

All the best mhg. I can fully understand that you feel you cannot leave them to the system.
I have heard some good, but more bad things about foster care & it seems that splitting them up would be harmful & just be about convenience for the social workers to be able to place them.
It is a big move for them to come from WA to Qld if you take them, but it also would give them a chance to have a fresh start.
BTW, I am also in Qld, SE coast.


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## mhg (Dec 5, 2012)

Enginerd said:


> I have faced this type of decision.
> 
> My sister has three illigitimate children (3, 6 and 8) from two different fathers. One father is in jail and one is hiding on an indian reservation. Both are dead beat losers. My sister is a welfare queen and was living in a long term motel with her kids. She's totally clueless about how her daily choices impact her children's lives. She is basically a lost cause at age 44.
> 
> ...


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## mhg (Dec 5, 2012)

Bellavista said:


> All the best mhg. I can fully understand that you feel you cannot leave them to the system.
> I have heard some good, but more bad things about foster care & it seems that splitting them up would be harmful & just be about convenience for the social workers to be able to place them.
> It is a big move for them to come from WA to Qld if you take them, but it also would give them a chance to have a fresh start.
> BTW, I am also in Qld, SE coast.


Thank you. Believe me, I have alarm bells ringing left, right and centre, I am verging on being overwhelmed with what this is going to mean, but at the end of the day, I don't think I could live with myself if I didn't at least consider it. My wife, on the other hand, is as calm as usual, and sees nothing to get worked up about. 
She is just keen to meet the kids and form her own opinions. She has told me she will let me know if she thinks she won't be able to cope with 7. She says this with a grin and I know there is little hope of not having an extra 7 mouths to feed.

We are in FNQ.


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## Caterpillar (Mar 21, 2010)

:thumbup: mhg - you and your wife are truly blessed with a practical and positive attutide and I feel confident you will make the perfect decision, either way, for all concerned.

PS: have also read your other thread and I think both you and your wife are nothing less than absolutely awesome!


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

The anecdote about the oranges made me cry. Oh, those poor children. Whatever you and your wife decide, I'll pray for the welfare of these kids. You are both good people even to consider caring for them and extending empathy and compassion their way.

The camera idea to find out how they are doing alone sounds like a valuable diagnostic tool in this decision-making process.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Jesus man are you trying to make me cry at work?

I think this is one of those times where if you take them on your road will be hard, challenging, life changing, and busy to the tee. You will probably question why you are doing it and feel like you gave up your life along the way.

And then down the road, 5,10,15 years from now, when the kids are grown and you realize that you gave them a chance at life, you'll understand it was the best thing to ever happen to you.

I wish you luck no matter what happens.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

I have to say, mhg, your story is one I LOVE to hear. Sounds like you have great kids, and an awesome wife. I understand your reluctance to put all of this on her, but I think, with the help of your kids on the weekends, you could probably pull this off. I loved what your youngest said..."when do we pick them up?"... awesome kid you have there! And if your other three are like him, you should be able to handle it well. Good luck to you all.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Will your family member (sister?), ever be able to take them back and raise them herself? Or is this a lifetime commitment? What happens if she has another child?

I can't imagine doing what you and your wife are doing. It is the biggest kindness and generosity. I wish you all good luck.


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## Repenting (Jan 7, 2013)

Keep us posted. You're amazing just for considering this.


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## mhg (Dec 5, 2012)

norajane said:


> Will your family member (sister?), ever be able to take them back and raise them herself? Or is this a lifetime commitment? What happens if she has another child?
> 
> I can't imagine doing what you and your wife are doing. It is the biggest kindness and generosity. I wish you all good luck.


The person in question is my niece. My older brother died 27 years ago, and left behind a girlfriend and young baby. The baby was removed from our lives when she was 2 and we haven't seen her since. She is the mother of these children.

She will be unable to take them back, as apart from serious drug issues, she has also been diagnosed with a terminal illness. Apart from that, she is desperate to get rid of them so she can, and I quote, "leave this f...ing world with a bang, doing what I want, not what those f...ing kids want."

She is in no fit state to care for these kids and I'd seriously like to smack some sense into her. Still, I arranged for her to go into a hospice when the time comes, and for carers etc, whatever she needs. She is my brothers child after all.


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## SoStrong (Dec 25, 2012)

My 3 stepchildren were a little like these kids....I just want to say that it was a long hard struggle but I wouldn't change any of it. They are now wonderful contributing adults in society. Good Luck..I commend you for your loving hearts.


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## mhg (Dec 5, 2012)

A whacking great pile of new info has been faxed to me.

More medicals have been done, as asked for by my wife. She was very concerned about stressing them even more, but felt it was important to find out if there were any physical signs of sexual abuse etc. Thankfully it seems all is ok in that area.

The children were asked if they were missing their mother, and someone in the room, one of the nurses apparently, then said they could go back to her if they wanted to. The oldest girl became, in the SW words, "almost catatonic in her panic", and ran screaming from the room. They found her crying under a chair in the waiting room.
I'm a typical man, I don't cry easily, but reading this had me blubbering like a baby.
My god what have these poor little tykes lived with.

When they eventually calmed her down, she begged them not to send her or the others back, and that her mother "hates us, and wishes the baby was dead."

My wife, on reading this, became irate, and as serious a situation as this is, I have to say it was amusing to watch her grab an axe from the shed and remove an innocent tree from the paddock.
The axe was then hurled as fas as she could throw it. 

So the decision is made. The children will be coming home from WA with us if the paperwork can be pushed through by our barrister.

On another note, we had a surprise this morning. Our kids usually come home for weekends, and turned up earlier than expected. We watched as they unloaded bag after bag from their cars, much more than they need for a weekend.
Our oldest boy grinned and told us he and his brother have taken six months off uni, with their uni's backing, and are coming home to help with the kids. Our daughter then said she has taken leave from work for six months also, after explaining the situation to her manager, and she too is moving back home to help. 
We have another house on our property, and they have spent the day moving in there, all four of them. As I write, I can see them out near one of the sheds, sorting out boxes of their old toys for the kids. 
When we made the point that, at the time, we hadn't decided what to do, our middle boy just snorted and said, "yep, you two keep kidding yourselves, us four know we are getting these kids. We're all gonna be a family, all 13 of us." Then they all went off laughing. 
I don't know what I did to get this family, but it must have been good.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Thank you for stepping up to the plate. Your families love is going to change these kids lives. 

I beg you to set up some sort of page so we can donate, or at least let me do it for you.


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## mhg (Dec 5, 2012)

COguy said:


> Thank you for stepping up to the plate. Your families love is going to change these kids lives.
> 
> I beg you to set up some sort of page so we can donate, or at least let me do it for you.


Mate, I appreciate the thought, seriously. That's a very generous thing to do.
However, it wouldn't be right for me to take advantage of people like that so I have to say no thank you.
You and the others on here have given me and my wife exactly what we need - support, advice and constructive criticism.
Taking these kids into our lives won't strain us financially, but in other ways it probably will, so I daresay we will be regulars on here, looking for advice, etc. 
There are so many things I HAVEN'T said about these kids, things I know we would like some input from others about, simply because we haven't dealt with them before with our kids. So that is where people can help the most. By being honest and expressing both positive and negative comments.

Anyway, thank you for your offer, you don't know how much we appreciate it. 
Cheers mate, you're a legend.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Your relative needs to be neutered IMO.....

BTW, you have GREAT KIDS!!!!!!


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## happysnappy (Jan 8, 2013)

I'm sitting here bawling! God bless you all. You obviously did a hell of a job raising your other kids and I have no doubt will do great with this next crew. You all are an inspiration!!! It would be awesome if you could find time to do a blog at some point. I'd love to follow your journey!


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

mhg said:


> A whacking great pile of new info has been faxed to me.
> 
> More medicals have been done, as asked for by my wife. She was very concerned about stressing them even more, but felt it was important to find out if there were any physical signs of sexual abuse etc. Thankfully it seems all is ok in that area.
> 
> ...



You and your wife have such wonderful Children.. You raised them right, you will do the same with the new children coming in to your home.. You guys can do it!! :smthumbup:

They already knew what you were going to do, even before you did...


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

I'm bawling my eyes out, you should be so proud of the children you raised & the wonderful wife you have.
You all are truly blessed & those 7 innocent little children are finally going to known what it means me to be loved & shown affection.
Wishing you all the best.
Please come back & keep us updated on your progress getting your new kids home.


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

You and your family inspire me.


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## mhg (Dec 5, 2012)

happysnappy said:


> I'm sitting here bawling! God bless you all. You obviously did a hell of a job raising your other kids and I have no doubt will do great with this next crew. You all are an inspiration!!! It would be awesome if you could find time to do a blog at some point. I'd love to follow your journey!


What's a blog?

I was going to ask the kids if they knew, but I imagine they would fall about laughing at what is probably a stupid question.


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## mhg (Dec 5, 2012)

CantePe said:


> You and your family inspire me.


Thank you. What a great thing to say.

Our children inspire my wife and I. 

We went into town today to do some shopping - we live a fair distance from the nearest town - and left the kids at home.
Got back a few hours later, and it was DEAD QUIET. Which any parent knows is never a good sign.

So we went snooping to find them. Through their house, nothing. Over to ours, and heard faint noises coming from upstairs. 
Opposite our bedroom is a huge room the kids used as a play room when they were little. We currently use it as a sort of "everything" room. My office is in there, my wife's farm office is in there etc.
Ha! Not any more!
Went into it, and it's as bare as a baby's bum. And there's the kids standing in a row, hands behind their backs, looking anything but innocent.
Raised eyebrows from their mother got this response - "Mum, you and Dad have been kicked out. Your offices are downstairs next to the kitchen now. We thought the kids might all like to share a room seeing as it's all new to them, so we're doing this one up. It's the only one big enough."

Have to admit we never thought of that. We had bedrooms picked out for them, but this makes more sense. Directly opposite our room, so they know we're only across the hall if they need us. And they will all have the comfort of being together for as long as they need to be.

Kids are currently making a god-awful mess in the storage shed as they haul out and clean up beds etc. 
Gotta love 'em.


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## happysnappy (Jan 8, 2013)

A blog is a place to write your story online so people can read it. People write them for all types of things and usually update them with new stories etc as they go. Check out blogspot or just google "blog" and you will come up with thousands.


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## mhg (Dec 5, 2012)

happysnappy said:


> A blog is a place to write your story online so people can read it. People write them for all types of things and usually update them with new stories etc as they go. Check out blogspot or just google "blog" and you will come up with thousands.


Ok. Not so sure anyone would want to read about us, and frankly, I'm not sure I'd want anyone to, apart from the people on here. 
If there was some way of doing it just so the people on here that are interested could read it, we would do it.


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## mhg (Dec 5, 2012)

Update...

Have received approval to bring the children home from WA. It's still a long way to the end, but they will at least be with us as we negotiate the maze of paperwork and court dates.

Children are apparently anxious and scared as they have been told we are coming to meet them. My wife is calm. I'm not. Our 4 kids are ecstatic. 

Our old play room is now furnished with 6 beds etc - the baby will be in our room - and the kids have done a brilliant job of setting up toys etc to make it welcoming.

We leave shortly to begin the trip to the city, then will fly to WA for a week. 

My sincere thanks to those who have advised us in the last few days. I cannot thank you enough.

One of us will try to make time during the week to update.


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## mhg (Dec 5, 2012)

Quick update...and this is the wife, not mhg himself...

Have met the children!:smthumbup:

Youngest son has fallen in love with the baby, hubby finding it hard to walk with an 18 mo wrapped around his leg. Other children are frightened and not talking. However, have managed to get oldest girl talking...heart rending stuff coming from that innocent babe's mouth.

These kids are desperate for someone to cling to and love. So goddamn sad.

They are so very troubled.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

Thank you for stepping up to the plate. You both have big hearts. It won't be easy at all and there will be probably days where you wonder what you got yourself into, but these children will so benefit from having a stable family life.


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## mhg (Dec 5, 2012)

Have so much to write but this is probably not the right place. Suggestions from anyone interested would be welcome. A blog was suggested but I wouldn't want everyone reading it. Help.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Start Here and if you want to change to a blog later you can copy and paste.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

mhg said:


> This is part of my problem - I'm not sure I want to do this. I KNOW my wife would say yes in a heartbeat, but I really don't think it's fair on her. 7 children is a massive undertaking considering what's written in the medical report. They all have various issues and medical problems, mostly due to the life they've been living.
> 
> And yes, the 3 and 4's are in nappies constantly. Night time I can understand, but during the day seems a bit much. Accidents are normal, but according to the report, the children don't understand how to toilet themselves. Having never been taught, I suppose it's natural.
> 
> ...


No, the issues is how do you get to your senses. You can impossibly do this to any woman. Or your other children, or yourself.

You are missing something in your brain, common sense I think. You let your feelings overwhelm your rational thinking.

The risk of this blowing up in your face is enormous.


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## happysnappy (Jan 8, 2013)

So glad you all got to meet them finally. How sweet about the little ones. I have a huge soft spot for down's kids. They are perpetually optimistic and in awe of the world around them. Truly a joy. Praying that you all can help these kids overcome the terrible situation they have been living in and help them become happy healthy adults


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Maybe SLL read the first few posts and commented before seeing OP and wife are not going into this as naive pedestrians. Just saying SLL doesn't normally come across so harsh.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

mhg, 

You are not crazy. You, your wife and your loving family together are strong. Not all have the strength, that comes from love and conviction, that you do. Excuse them, they don't understand. 

I wish you the best at your endeavor. You will not be judged by men.


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## Bellavista (May 29, 2012)

:iagree: with anchorwatch.
The vast majority of people who have posted are in awe of your wonderful family.


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## mhg (Dec 5, 2012)

Have started a thread on Private forum for those who would like to read it.


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## happysnappy (Jan 8, 2013)

Please don't let one bad apple ruin the bunch


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## debster (Dec 17, 2012)

mhg said:


> On another note, we had a surprise this morning. Our kids usually come home for weekends, and turned up earlier than expected. We watched as they unloaded bag after bag from their cars, much more than they need for a weekend.
> Our oldest boy grinned and told us he and his brother have taken six months off uni, with their uni's backing, and are coming home to help with the kids. Our daughter then said she has taken leave from work for six months also, after explaining the situation to her manager, and she too is moving back home to help.
> We have another house on our property, and they have spent the day moving in there, all four of them. As I write, I can see them out near one of the sheds, sorting out boxes of their old toys for the kids.
> When we made the point that, at the time, we hadn't decided what to do, our middle boy just snorted and said, "yep, you two keep kidding yourselves, us four know we are getting these kids. We're all gonna be a family, all 13 of us." Then they all went off laughing.
> I don't know what I did to get this family, but it must have been good.


:smthumbup: Just new to this thread, *mhg*, and I've now got tears streaming down my cheeks. Your purpose and mission in life is confirmed. God has blessed you and your family and you are a joy to him. It is humbling to know that he gives you so much responsibility. 

Please lean on others for support, as I think he will also call on others to help you in your journey, so know that you are not alone. 

Also, I think there are different scriptures to support this order of priority: God first, spouse second, children third. Maybe you will need to heed this from time to time when things get overwhelming.

Will love to continue reading about your story. 
Now I'm off to the new thread in Private Members section. 

God's graces to you all!
Debster


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

mhg said:


> I know she would take these kids, welcome them with open arms, at the expense of her own dreams.


I wouldn't ask this of my wife.


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