# A very messy affair story



## nanako (Jun 30, 2017)

I don't even know how to start. My partner moved out today so we settle emotionally down and get our **** back together. I have to agree, i am drained! In the past three weeks not one day passed where I didn't feel hurt. It is probably for the best as I need to get my emotional strength back, especially now that i am pregnant. It all started about 9 month ago when he told me he wanted to move out for a while to save your relationship. At this time i was not even aware that something was soo wrong. I was depressed and did not really see what was going on around me. I was in a black hole. He, on the other hand, is a bad communicator, keeping everything in till it is to much. Our relationship suffered a lot, as you can imagine. Anyway, it shocked me to hear that. In the week following this news we talked a lot, which was good, but he also told me he saw a prostitute several times, once even privately. (I have to say that he is a very sensitive and emotional person) An even bigger shock for me and the pain... Ok, so he moved out and a week later he told me that this prostitute got pregnant. I can't even describe how I felt. the following 3 month where horror, he broke up with me three times, came back till i finally ended up in a respite home. In this time he was trying to figure out if he can live with this other person and have a family with, she also guilted him and used the baby as a bait. He could not think clearly and was to messed up to leave the entire situation.
I know what you must think "why did she let him do that to her?". I was in a crisis, weak, confused, hurt... I absolutely can not describe the feelings, all the worst of the bad ones. He, on the other hand was in a crisis too, ripped between guilt, emotions, confusions and a strong sense of responsibility. 
Things settled down and we worked on our relationship, went to counselling and talked a lot. All was pretty good for 6 month till the affair-baby was born a few weeks back. 
This set us right back into an emotional hurricane. And now, here I am, he gone and I am not sure what to feel, to do, or to think. I need to look after myself for the my growing babys sake (baby was planed btw). 
He is not a bad person, just very emotional and sensitive and tends to do irrational things when in a crisis. I am, on the other hand a very rational person. 
We both want to work it out so we can have a good relationship and raise our baby. I am just not sure how to have this break properly and if there is even any hope. shall I distance myself and prepare to go my own way or shall i stay "invested"? 
At the moment i feel lonely and very sad that I can't share the pregnancy journey with him, i am all alone. 
My support network lives on the other side of the world and does not even know about the mess i am in, i just have a few friends here. 
Even you don't have real insight in the story and don't know any of us, some new perspective are very much welcome and would help me. Maybe here is even someone who went through something similar?
Thanks for letting me share my pain


----------



## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

nanako said:


> It all started about 9 month ago when he told me he wanted to move out for a while to save your relationship.


For future reference, when someone tells you they need to move out for awhile, need space, et cetera, to save the relationship, it means they are looking to get out of the relationship. Chances are he don't want no kid fettering his life. The "pregnancy journey" for you is likely perceived as a trek through hell by him.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I'm sorry for what pain he's putting your through. His treatment of you is profoundly cruel.

Has a DNA test been done to prove that the your husband is really the biological father of her baby?

You need to distance yourself from him. If he really wanted to work on your relationship, he would be with you working on it. People do what they want to do. He's with her because that is where he wants to be. He tells you that he wants to work on your relationship so that if things don't work with her, he still has you. Do not be his fall-back woman--the woman he keeps around for convenience. I know that sounds cruel for me to say. But it is the truth.

when a man says one thing and does another, always believe his actions. Words are cheat. Actions are the truth.

Look at the link to the '180' in my signature block below. That is how you need to be interacting with him from here on out. It will help you protect yourself.

A marriage cannot be fixed, or worked on, when there is an ongoing affair. 

Is there any way that you can go back to where your support system is so that you have people around you who love you and how can help you. You are pregnant. You need help.

You also might want to think about filing for divorce. 

When is your baby due?


----------



## nanako (Jun 30, 2017)

Yes, there was a test and he is the father. 

I probably was not clear, sorry for that, he is not still with here and does not wan to be. in the last 6 month we worked on our relationship, did counselling and where really good again, he put a lot of effort in to making me feel save again. 
The birth of the baby rattled everything. He tries to come to terms with having a kid that does not live with him, trying to process the new situation, he, naturally, also want to see this baby. I am on the other hand, trying to fight the reality, that the baby is born because it hurts so much, him seeing it panics me and hurts me. this baby stands for everything bad that happened, not fair on the baby, i know, but this it what it emotionally is. We had 6 month to get to term with the baby being born at one point but when it really happens it is very different. 

We are both very emotional and toxic for each other in this state. we both need each others support but no one is able to give it. we both need to settle down emotionally first and get some strength back. 
Yesterday, before he broke the news that he wants to have "a break", i thought that i can't be around him anymore, that i need to leave for a while.


----------



## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

How, exactly, is it rational to plan to bring a baby into a tumultuous relationship with a man you aren't married to that is awaiting the birth of his first child who was conceived during a recent affair with a prostitute? 

He is not the only one who makes poor decisions in a crisis.

Some day these half siblings are going to do the math and have questions.

If I were you, I'd detach.


----------



## JustTheFacts (Jun 27, 2017)

I feel really sorry for you. You say that he is not a bad person? HE IS ! 180 !


----------



## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

Not very rational to have a baby with him right now. Reeks of desperation on both of your parts to maintain connection through this affair baby trauma. I think you need to recognize that you are not rational in this situation either. Thats neither here nor there however in the grandest scheme.

Look, he is not stable. He has tugged you and this new baby around enough...Now he has a second one on the way to play games with. Thats what he is doing, he is playing games not realizing he needed to make a solid choice that didnt hurt other people. He chose risky unprotected sex with a conniving prostitute. Sounds like an idiot to me.... Then plays around with you, knocks you up. This is not sensitivity, this is SELFISHNESS and entitlement, and many other things i dont have time to list. 

Bottom line. You are right, you are finally thinking rationally. You need space. You need a LONG time away from him. And him from you. Let him be upset that YOUR child will be born without him. Might wake him up, but i doubt it. 

This man is not a man to have a future with. RUN


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Run like hell! His absence, while painful as it is, will end up being an absolute blessing!

Leave him and divorce him post haste! He's more than proven his dislove for you and for the sanctity of your marital vows!

There is a loving, big-hearted man out there who will truly come to love you for the loyal, devoted woman who you are!*


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

nanako said:


> I don't even know how to start. My partner moved out today so we settle emotionally down and get our **** back together. I have to agree, i am drained! In the past three weeks not one day passed where I didn't feel hurt. It is probably for the best as I need to get my emotional strength back, especially now that i am pregnant. It all started about 9 month ago when he told me he wanted to move out for a while to save your relationship. At this time i was not even aware that something was soo wrong. I was depressed and did not really see what was going on around me. I was in a black hole. He, on the other hand, is a bad communicator, keeping everything in till it is to much. Our relationship suffered a lot, as you can imagine. Anyway, it shocked me to hear that. In the week following this news we talked a lot, which was good, but he also told me he saw a prostitute several times, once even privately. (I have to say that he is a very sensitive and emotional person) An even bigger shock for me and the pain... Ok, so he moved out and a week later he told me that this prostitute got pregnant. I can't even describe how I felt. the following 3 month where horror, he broke up with me three times, came back till i finally ended up in a respite home. In this time he was trying to figure out if he can live with this other person and have a family with, she also guilted him and used the baby as a bait. He could not think clearly and was to messed up to leave the entire situation.
> I know what you must think "why did she let him do that to her?". I was in a crisis, weak, confused, hurt... I absolutely can not describe the feelings, all the worst of the bad ones. He, on the other hand was in a crisis too, ripped between guilt, emotions, confusions and a strong sense of responsibility.
> Things settled down and we worked on our relationship, went to counselling and talked a lot. All was pretty good for 6 month till the affair-baby was born a few weeks back.
> This set us right back into an emotional hurricane. And now, here I am, he gone and I am not sure what to feel, to do, or to think. I need to look after myself for the my growing babys sake (baby was planed btw).
> ...



1. How sure are you she is a prostitute at all? I doubt a prostitute will allow herself to get pregnant with a punter? I think this is someone he hooked up with and that was why he moved out the first time.
NO-ONE moves out to SAVE a relationship, that is a load of ****e! He was already busy with her.

Stop defending him and saying he is emotional and sensitive, that is also a load of crap because an emotional and sensitive man would never do what he has done to you. Can't you see that? He sounds like a user who has you wrapped around his little finger.
Why on earth did you get pregnant with him?

2. Has this OW's kid been DNA tested, this woman may just want someone to support her kid
Please insist on a DNA test.

3.Please get STD tested

4. Go see a lawyer and see what your options are. 

Do you work?

5. Forget the MC, get IC for yourself to strengthen you. How old are you? Rely on your friends where you are living.

5. Time to kick cheating partner out of your home, make sure you get legal advice to claim for your child's expenses.

What is there to stop you leaving him and returning home to your own country and your family? Do it.


----------



## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Was your husband STD tested? Were you? 

I truly hope so. Your health and safety are of the utmost importance. 

I'm not trying to be hard on you, but when you say the baby was planned, with all of that other chaos going on, did you think a baby would heal the marriage? He made his own mistakes, they weren't yours. It was also his responsibility to help you to heal after his affair. It doesn't seem like he did that sufficiently. 

Right now you need to be free of a toxic environment. It's not good for you or your baby. Have you made plans to live with a trusted family member or friend? Someone that cares about your wellbeing? Alternatively, tell him you want him out. Do you both own the house?


----------



## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

What is your partners income level? Yea, people can be that mercenary. The OW could also be under the mistaken belief a child will center and heal her. Either way your partner has brought a life time of problems into HIS life.

Either way the hard truth is you need to move on. You said partner, not husband. In my mind and legally there is a huge difference. My answer would be different if he had a stroke or horrible accident. Then I could understand a sense from you for abandonment of a love one in a time of need.


----------



## Sly Fox (Jun 6, 2017)

Wow I can't even find a date, and this f* up of a guy has 2 women both with his babies and who want to make it work. Kill me now, please.


----------



## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

@Sly Fox _ I am so sorry for your relationship wishes and issues. Now days its not so easy to be single and get a date. But i guess relationships are like Jobs, its always easier to get a job when you already have one. Terrible analogy but seems like it sometimes. 

OP, has not replied. I hope you are not chased off. Im sure you don't like the advice but in time no matter the choice you make you will probably find we are right. Please listen to us when it comes to all the excuses you are making for him. On his treatment of you THERE IS NO EXCUSE, on his irresponsibility to now have 2 BABY MAMMAS, there IS NO EXCUSE, he is SELFISH IMPULSIVE, AND NOT A SAFE HUSBAND OR PARTNER. let her have him.


----------

