# Increasingly painful affair. Why am I holding onto it?



## Mamina (Jan 5, 2017)

I've met the MM two years ago during my clinical rotation. He was attractive and charming, but didn't have my full attention until I noticed he was trying harder than anyone else to get to know me. He was also very helpful which made the whole experience much easier. 
We both were married with small kids and he was almost 10 years younger. I didn't think much of it except having a crush on him. At that time, I wasn't at the best place in my life. I felt stuck in my marriage for over a decade and after our baby arrived I thought things would get better. They were but very shortly. As our child got older, everything ugly resurfaced back. Except, now there is a little innocent child watching her parents argue and often saying " stop fighting!!" 
Long story short - MM and I stayed in touch ever since I finished my school work. We would text, snap daily. At the begging, he would text non stop. Then a little less, then almost nothing. Most of the time he would send at least a picture or a text a day. This hot and cold periods were driving me crazy not knowing why it was happening. Now, two years later I can see it being a pattern. Something that shouldn't surprise me anymore and yet, it hurts more and more each time. He can go days being so interested just to get cold afterwards. 
Anyway...our affair became physical six months later. The way things felt with him were so exciting but for me it was kissing and hugging that kept me coming back for more despite the pain of crumbs in between. 
After about a year, he told me his wife wanted another child and he felt guilty for doing things with me. He didn't want to stop talking though. I know this was my sign to let him go and do what's right, but I couldn't imagine life without hearing from him. We kept chatting and sending pictures for about a month when things turned physical again. He would go through feeling guilty each time we saw each other which was painful because I felt used and confused. The same when the baby was born. He distanced himself for some time but kept talking. And I was too weak to let it go. 
Looking back, I made so many mistakes and changed who I was before him. Before him - I've never send any revealing pictures or inappropriate video of myself. He kepts asking and after while I gave in. Suddenly this became a norm. Before him, I found disgusting to see a pic of man's privates but he slowly eased me into liking it. 
I never liked rough sex or gentle pushing on throat, but he made it to look so normal. 
If I'm honest with myself, I feel like I lost myself in this affair. My values and boundaries are more than questionable now. Last time I saw MM was a month ago. He gave me 15 minutes of his life and on my way home I cried like a baby. I cried all evening because I felt so cheap and used. I was disappointed to get such short time after weeks of not seeing him. He got what he wanted in short 15 seconds and I got kisses that I missed. There was little to no cuddling as before. 
I can't shake of the feeling of cheap or feeling like a toy. He keeps saying he cares for me and would see me often if he could. He still texts and snaps but goes from hot to freezing. I feel badly confused with his inconsistent behavior because I like and care for him consistently. This is becoming increasingly painful experience and yet, I'm not able to let go. Part of me keeps saying I can't do this anymore, but the other part does absolutely nothing. Just the same thing over and over and expecting different results. How do I find a strength to end it when I have feelings for him?


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

And how does your betrayed husband and his (the AP's) wife feature in all this sordid debauchery or are they just pieces of human trash that two immoral degenerates can walk all over and use and abuse because they are such trusting fools?

Tell your husband about this affair, give him the agency to decide if he wants you in his life and while you're at it tell AP's wife too, she needs her agency as well. At least this way you can find some redemption before you face the infernal portals one day.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Mamina said:


> How do I find a strength to end it when I have feelings for him?


You may never have the strength, but just end it anyway. Because it’s the right thing to do.

And there’s a very good saying “if he/she will do it with you, they’ll do it to you, someday.” I believe there’s truth in that. Nothing good comes from lying, sneaking around and ultimately, deception.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

"I cried all evening because I felt cheap and used".

I wonder how your husband and this OM wife would feel if they knew?

What it would do to both of them if they read your post. 

The sad thing is you cried for yourself NOT your husband.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Mamina said:


> I've met the MM two years ago during my clinical rotation. He was attractive and charming, but didn't have my full attention until I noticed he was trying harder than anyone else to get to know me. He was also very helpful which made the whole experience much easier.
> We both were married with small kids and he was almost 10 years younger. I didn't think much of it except having a crush on him. At that time, I wasn't at the best place in my life. I felt stuck in my marriage for over a decade and after our baby arrived I thought things would get better. They were but very shortly. As our child got older, everything ugly resurfaced back. Except, now there is a little innocent child watching her parents argue and often saying " stop fighting!!"
> Long story short - MM and I stayed in touch ever since I finished my school work. We would text, snap daily. At the begging, he would text non stop. Then a little less, then almost nothing. Most of the time he would send at least a picture or a text a day. This hot and cold periods were driving me crazy not knowing why it was happening. Now, two years later I can see it being a pattern. Something that shouldn't surprise me anymore and yet, it hurts more and more each time. He can go days being so interested just to get cold afterwards.
> Anyway...our affair became physical six months later. The way things felt with him were so exciting but for me it was kissing and hugging that kept me coming back for more despite the pain of crumbs in between.
> ...


It's time to snap out of it, and you know it. Like you said, it changed your values. Sometimes we meet people who bring out the worst in us, and we need to let them go and get back to what we know is right. 

If you have marriage problems, either try to work through those or terminate your marriage. I don't have to tell you what you've been doing is never going to lead to anything but hurt all around.


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## colingrant (Nov 6, 2017)

It's going to be hard to let go if you have no fear of losing what you have. Fear of loss of husband, family, reputation, self-dignity and respect is what's powerful enough to reverse the course of many unfaithful. If you have little to no fear or do not value the aforementioned, then the benefits of your affair are viewed as being greater than the potential costs.

However, if you fear these virtues, then the next question is, do you fear them enough? You don't even have to be remorseful at this point. You just have to fear what's potentially lost. If you are ok and can live without your afterthought of a husband, then you will continue.

If you do not fear your children living in a unloving environment then you will continue. If you do not fear the loss of self dignity and respect then you will justify your actions despite costs. . If a complete loss of normalcy in your life is worth losing, then again you have no meaningful motivation to discontinue.

Your values are at the core of your decision. Your actions will define who you are. At this point, you are valuing your lover over your husband, family, self respect and dignity. You are also valuing your personal gratification over the well being of his wife and family. If you have not given these virtues proper acknowledgement, now is the time.

If you have and disregard them, you are who you are.

The costs of infidelity is much broader, deeper and devastating than what it appears to be on its surface. Your infatuation with him will be the self scorn that will never go away when you escape the fog you are firmly entrenched in. When daylight falls upon you, you will scan the collateral damage and metaphorically it will be akin to a Ukraine resident returning home and seeing it no longer exists.


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## Captain Obvious (Mar 14, 2021)

He’s using you. He’s using you for as much side sex as he can get. You exist to get him off, that’s all you are to him. He’s not going to leave his family for you, Ever.

Does your husband even know any of this?


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## colingrant (Nov 6, 2017)

Captain Obvious said:


> He’s using you. He’s using you for as much side sex as he can get. You exist to get him off, that’s all you are to him. He’s not going to leave his family for you, Ever.


I'm a mature man. Generally speaking. Married, adult men willing to engage in an affair do not stop it until his family unit is threatened. Side sex ranks very, very high for many adult men, but it's not higher than the family. They do not lose their marriage and family for side stuff.

So you cannot expect mutual cooperation. You will have to be strong enough on your own. GENERALLY speaking men don't have emotional confusion. If sex is available the justification is "hey, she was giving it to me, so I took what was given". Generally speaking, females often have a different view that's relationship driven. But for men, sex is the driver. 

Just want you to understand the landscape in the land of infidelity, which takes no prisoners by the way. Permanent emotional, physical in some instances (STD) and psychological impairment along PTSD are the battle scars. Some woulds are lethal depending on the injured person's emotional and psychological makeup.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Mamina said:


> I've met the MM two years ago during my clinical rotation. He was attractive and charming, but didn't have my full attention until I noticed he was trying harder than anyone else to get to know me. He was also very helpful which made the whole experience much easier.
> We both were married with small kids and he was almost 10 years younger. I didn't think much of it except having a crush on him. At that time, I wasn't at the best place in my life. I felt stuck in my marriage for over a decade and after our baby arrived I thought things would get better. They were but very shortly. As our child got older, everything ugly resurfaced back. Except, now there is a little innocent child watching her parents argue and often saying " stop fighting!!"
> Long story short - MM and I stayed in touch ever since I finished my school work. We would text, snap daily. At the begging, he would text non stop. Then a little less, then almost nothing. Most of the time he would send at least a picture or a text a day. This hot and cold periods were driving me crazy not knowing why it was happening. Now, two years later I can see it being a pattern. Something that shouldn't surprise me anymore and yet, it hurts more and more each time. He can go days being so interested just to get cold afterwards.
> Anyway...our affair became physical six months later. The way things felt with him were so exciting but for me it was kissing and hugging that kept me coming back for more despite the pain of crumbs in between.
> ...


You are just a warm spot for him to stick his ****. That's it. That's what you are destroying two families for. He will use you as long as you will allow it, then he will discard you like trash when his wife gets suspicious. 

If you can't end it then send this to your husband and the OM's wife. See how quickly it ends.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

colingrant said:


> It's going to be hard to let go if you have no fear of losing what you have. Fear of loss of husband, family, reputation, self-dignity and respect is what's powerful enough to reverse the course of many unfaithful. If you have little to no fear or do not value the aforementioned, then the benefits of your affair are viewed as being greater than the potential costs.
> 
> However, if you fear these virtues, then the next question is, do you fear them enough? You don't even have to be remorseful at this point. You just have to fear what's potentially lost. If you are ok and can live without your afterthought of a husband, then you will continue.
> 
> ...


^^^THIS IS RIGHT ON^^^


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Keep repeating the words in your post — “cheap” and “used”. Remind yourself how that feels. You likely aren’t his first side piece and you won’t be the last one either (you may not even be the only one). Now you need to decide whether a few kisses and hugs are worth what you stand to lose if this got out.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Who do you love and care about more, a disgusting man who despite being married with small children will cheat, or your children?
Are you going to put them first or carry in this terrible behaviour?

Are you going to do the right thing and stop it? Tell your husband? Make sure his poor wife knows?
You are being used but you are also using him. You are enabling him as well.

You can and should come clean, be honest and get tested for STDs.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Thanks for sharing.

For sharing the occasional great moments, and the long interim periods where you felt being an... *after thought.*

You showed us that one party in these affairs will *almost always* be used by the other.

You told us of just another common affair that went from strong, to soft, then dim, then dark, then to bitter.

Your affair partner got you to do the things his 'proper wife' would never do.

He conned you into sending him sex videos, into you allowing and performing rough, oral sex with him, maybe even doing back door. He got you to appreciate dik pics.

You were his living and breathing sex doll. 
Everything, that he has seen on those porn flicks.

I am sure he liked you.
Did you actually love you?
Not a chance.

They say, 'live and learn', and you have in spades.

Good Luck going forward....



_Are Dee-_


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## Txquail (Feb 21, 2018)

*Mamina:*

You need to tell your husband what you have done. You need to tell the other mans wife what you have done. Accept the consequences to your actions.

*THINK OF THIS* If he is so willing to cheat on his wife and kids, what makes you think he's not cheating with other women with you? Or even other men? (He could be Bi).

You need to tell your husband and the OM wife ASAP so they can get tested for STDs. You've been lying far too long to your family, its time to come clean so they can make decisions that they feel comfortable with. Also if you tell the OM wife and your husband, it will be the first step in FIXING YOU.

Also I happen to notice your other post a while back where you are blaming your husband for everything. Perhaps it was your cheating that was causing all this tension.








Constant criticism from husband


I don’t know how to deal with my husband anymore. It feels like he criticizes me every day or has some remarks about things I do or how I do them. Some, he says, are meant to be jokes and I am supposed to laugh about them. I can’t! Long story short, we got together when I was 17 and he was...




www.talkaboutmarriage.com


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

Mamina, you have to be a special kind of dense not to realize you are nothing but a sex toy for this POS. What about your husband? Is this the kind of respect he deserves? How could you do this to this guy's wife? To his children?


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Mamina,

What I believe is going on is this........

You are addicted to the OM and you believe him to be a good person, but he is not the man you think he is.

It's most likely he is a practiced serial cheater and you are just another woman in his harem. If you are a well paid medical professional he is keeping you on a leash in case he needs you for money, but you might not be as attractive to him as other women. He does not message you because he has moved on to other women however he will not entirely let you go.

You wrote about how he was blowing hot and cold, well just as random payouts in gambling encourage addiction so too giving and withholding affection produces human bondage. Smart OMs know this all too well by instinct.

I also suspect that the OM slowly poisoned your opinion about your marriage, another trick. Often this starts out with the OM complaining about his marriage and granting you access to his emotions in a special way only for you. Your marriage was not bad OM made it seem so.

Recover your marraige make your confession and rebuild, there is no future with OM, he will only cheat on you and use you for money or to buy him a car he will drive into a tree.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

This is something someone else wrote,


My perspective is from that of the OW who became the new wife. I hope this helps someone.

You will get to be responsible for destroying the life of another woman. You will get to be responsible for destroying the lives of all children involved. No, children are not resilient. They are sponges and take in everything around them whether they are capable of processing it or not. And when they are not able to process their world being shattered and all the conflicting messages about right and wrong, you will get to deal with all their issues and mistakes and anger as they grow up. You will have to know all the while that whatever is happening is a direct result of your selfishness. If the child fails at school, can’t control their anger, becomes promiscuous, falls into addictions, can’t maintain good relationships of their own you get to know in the back of your mind and deep in your soul that you are responsible for what molded that child. Whether you admit it or not, you WILL know. You will not be able to fix this; it will not work out, smooth over, or ever be okay. Even if you look like the Cleavers on the surface it is under there bubbling and will come out. Don’t think you are special and you will escape this result.

Maybe right now you are in a place where you are in deep denial about the children and you don’t give a crap about the BW. Let me appeal to your sense of selfishness then and tell you what you personally are going to suffer in the years to come…

You are marrying a cheater. Someone who didn’t like what they had at home so they went looking for something better. Or maybe you offered him something better? It doesn’t really matter who started it, who lied more, it doesn’t even really matter if you were tricked into a relationship not knowing he was married at first. Your consequences will be the same. You now have a spouse who gave up one family and chose you and yours. Feels great right? Think again. How long do you think it will take before you stop feeling like a prize?

The minute things go wrong, and face it, in all marriages there are these times, he is going to be looking at you and wondering if you were worth it. And you will feel it. Even if he doesn’t say it right out. He is going to realize that this marriage requires just as much work as the old one did and you are not nearly as perfect in real life as he thought you were and he is going to be angry for what he has sacrificed for you. Now you get to be insecure and feel like you are always fighting to be worth it to him.

You are going to be labeled as the [censored] for the entire rest of your life. No matter what changes or personal revelations you come to, you will be the [censored] that wrecked a home and stole a husband. There will be innumerable family conflicts over this. You are likely to have his kids hating your guts forever. This means that every holiday, school concert, soccer game, big family event like graduations and weddings, and grandkids (yes, it will last that far and long) will be sources of conflict instead of happy times.

You will probably not be invited to a lot of things that your spouse should be attending with his children. You may show up anyway, asserting your position as the new wife. But it will be a conflict. You spouse will have to over and over choose between you and his original family. He is going to resent you for this. You are going to get so tired of constantly being the center of conflict and so tired of all the hate directed at you and no one is going to sympathize with you. When you do impose yourself where the BW and her children and extended family and friends are you will feel the scarlet letter that you wear burning in your chest no matter how high you try to hold your head. I promise you, you will. You and your stolen spouse will fight over this more than you can imagine in the years to come.

And guess what?! When he starts to pull away from you and works late more, or isn’t insatiable in bed with you anymore, or cuts his hair a new way you are going to be terrified. You are going to be terrified because you know exactly what he might be doing next. You are going to be suspicious probably before he actually even does anything because you already know he is untrustworthy.

Chances are he is going to cheat again too. Except this time on you. Now, you get to feel the pain of being a BW doubled by the pain of realizing exactly what you did to someone else. The guilt and shame on top of your already devastating pain from being cheated on will be unbearable. Now listen to this closely NO ONE IS GOING TO CARE!! You are going to hear and know that you should have known better and have the old adages about cheaters thrown in your face over and over. You will not be able to come somewhere like these boards for support because they are going to crucify you! You will be all alone with your pain and your heartache with no one to blame but yourself.

Do not think you are special. DO NOT THINK IT WON’THAPPEN TO YOU!!!!!!!!!! The stats are overwhelmingly high. No one gets married thinking that their spouse will cheat. No one. I promise you are not different or better somehow.

Occasionally an affair partner will grow a conscience and want to be a good person and here is what happens…

Now, let’s say that you make changes in your heart and your life. Let say you find God or in whatever way it comes to you, you realize that you have done something horrendous. Okay, now you actually do care about those kids and that BW. Well too bad. You can’t fix it. Yes, God will forgive you if you repent. Not many others will. And you will have one heck of a time trying to forgive yourself. You will feel sick and ashamed all the time. You will cry many bitter tears.

You will not be able to look at your spouse and feel the same way you once did. All of your memories of when you first met, your first kiss, the early days of your relationship will be tainted. All of those memories that are supposed to be sweet will be sour. You will not be able to enjoy them because you know that whole time it was wrong, wrong, wrong! What are you left with? Not much.

You are going to try to offer apologies, you are going to try to figure out what you can possibly do to make amends and there are going to be no easy answers. You will be told by many that you can’t repent and stay married. You will be told by just as many that if God has forgiven you that another divorce would be just another sin. You will make yourself crazy over this because you want to do the right thing for once in your life and you have put yourself in a situation where it is impossible to know what that it.

Also, if you are one of the few who have this attack of conscience at some point down the road, you are still going to be dealing with all the same stuff above that the unremorseful affair partner is dealing with except it’s probably going to hurt you even more because you now genuinely care. Too bad no one will think you are sincere or trust your words. Why should they, remember what you did?? Of course you do, now go cry some more as if it will help.

There are no time machines people!! You are making a mess bigger than you can ever clean up!!

There is really a lot more I could say about how this is going to play out but this is already getting very long.

Like I said, this is from my perspective but just change the pronouns and it is the same for anyone entering into an adulterous relationship. Man or woman, whether you are the WW, WH, AP, it’s going to end in ruin.

You have been warned.

And if anyone out there is currently involved in waywardness and wants to ask me something, fire away! I will answer any and everything asked if it will get you to stop what you are doing and reconcile your family before it is too late.

Unfortunately if you are already married to your AP don’t bother asking me. I can’t help you because I cannot help myself. I live in the ruins of my own creation. You like me should have seen the light sooner. Sorry.

To the BS out there who may read this, I can only hope that knowing that your spouse is not going to be happy and their AP is not going to be happy helps you feel a little bit vindicated. I promise you that even if they look like the picture of happiness on the outside they are not. They have a cancer eating their souls. You can have a better life. They won’t.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

TAMAT said:


> This is something someone else wrote,
> 
> 
> My perspective is from that of the OW who became the new wife. I hope this helps someone.
> ...


This is probably THE best thing I’ve ever read on TAM. Wow. Thank you for sharing this.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Mamina said:


> I've met the MM two years ago during my clinical rotation. He was attractive and charming, but didn't have my full attention until I noticed he was trying harder than anyone else to get to know me. He was also very helpful which made the whole experience much easier.
> We both were married with small kids and he was almost 10 years younger. I didn't think much of it except having a crush on him. At that time, I wasn't at the best place in my life. I felt stuck in my marriage for over a decade and after our baby arrived I thought things would get better. They were but very shortly. As our child got older, everything ugly resurfaced back. Except, now there is a little innocent child watching her parents argue and often saying " stop fighting!!"
> Long story short - MM and I stayed in touch ever since I finished my school work. We would text, snap daily. At the begging, he would text non stop. Then a little less, then almost nothing. Most of the time he would send at least a picture or a text a day. This hot and cold periods were driving me crazy not knowing why it was happening. Now, two years later I can see it being a pattern. Something that shouldn't surprise me anymore and yet, it hurts more and more each time. He can go days being so interested just to get cold afterwards.
> Anyway...our affair became physical six months later. The way things felt with him were so exciting but for me it was kissing and hugging that kept me coming back for more despite the pain of crumbs in between.
> ...


It would help if you pulled your head out of your derriere and looked at what's actually going on.

You are a side chick. Just an extra piece of ass he gets to tap whenever he has the inclination and time.

Of course he's still interested in "talking" with you.

He's easily keeping his unpaid prostitute on the line.

He is getting everything he wants from you and you are definitely not getting anymore from him.

Look at him for what he is. He's a piece of crap that cheats on his wife and has no problem ruining another woman's life just so he can get his willy wet outside of his marriage.

Break all contact and let his wife know what a dog turd she is married to.

Get yourself into therapy, get healthy and you will have a better chance at attracting a human male instead of a troglodyte.

Make sure you get healthy first or you will find another troglodyte or worse, you will attract a good man and mess up his life.

P.S I missed the first part where you said you were married..


You need to confess to your husband as well and that will definitely shine a light on the truth of how ugly you have become and how disgusting your infidelity is.

It's too bad for the children that you and your Affair Partner aren't actually grown up enough to care for their well-being over your own ridiculous urges.

Stop this nonsense, own your actions and work with your husband to divorce amicably or work your ass off to repair what you have certainly destroyed.

It should be your husband's choice because you denied him agency in his own life, unless you just want out which would have been so much better than choosing infidelity.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

QuietRiot said:


> This is probably THE best thing I’ve ever read on TAM. Wow. Thank you for sharing this.


It's pretty powerful!!


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

Dictum Veritas said:


> And how does your betrayed husband and his (the AP's) wife feature in all this sordid debauchery or are they just pieces of human trash that two immoral degenerates can walk all over and use and abuse because they are such trusting fools?
> 
> Tell your husband about this affair, give him the agency to decide if he wants you in his life and while you're at it tell AP's wife too, she needs her agency as well. At least this way you can find some redemption before you face the infernal portals one day.


Amen from the choir. You have a problem. You need to confess to your husband and as @Dictum Veritas said let him make the decision. Your husband deserves far better than you, and I am being blunt and as kind as I can be.

You really need to get I to counseling ASAP and fix yourself.


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## blahfridge (Dec 6, 2014)

@Mamina, I'm not going to go into all the reasons why you need to end this toxic relationship, all the reasons why have been eloquently posted here already.
What I am going to tell you what you need to do first and foremost. You are addicted to this man, as addicted as someone on crack cocaine. The only way to end it is to go cold turkey. Block him completely. No explanation, no goodbyes, simply purge him from every avenue he has to contact you. Then you tell your husband, you tell your family, you tell his family, your co-workers, the neighbors, even the mail carrier. The more people you confess to, the harder it will be to go back and the easier it will be to maintain no contact with him. Shame is a powerful motivating force to change behavior. You already feel it on the inside, that is what's pushing you to do what you know you need to do. But as long as you are still in contact with him you are like an alcoholic trying to quit while hanging around drinking buddies at the bar. It doesn't work.
You can do this. You have to do this.


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## Twodecades (Apr 4, 2021)

Mamina said:


> I've met the MM two years ago during my clinical rotation. He was attractive and charming, but didn't have my full attention until I noticed he was trying harder than anyone else to get to know me. He was also very helpful which made the whole experience much easier.
> We both were married with small kids and he was almost 10 years younger. I didn't think much of it except having a crush on him. At that time, I wasn't at the best place in my life. I felt stuck in my marriage for over a decade and after our baby arrived I thought things would get better. They were but very shortly. As our child got older, everything ugly resurfaced back. Except, now there is a little innocent child watching her parents argue and often saying " stop fighting!!"
> Long story short - MM and I stayed in touch ever since I finished my school work. We would text, snap daily. At the begging, he would text non stop. Then a little less, then almost nothing. Most of the time he would send at least a picture or a text a day. This hot and cold periods were driving me crazy not knowing why it was happening. Now, two years later I can see it being a pattern. Something that shouldn't surprise me anymore and yet, it hurts more and more each time. He can go days being so interested just to get cold afterwards.
> Anyway...our affair became physical six months later. The way things felt with him were so exciting but for me it was kissing and hugging that kept me coming back for more despite the pain of crumbs in between.
> ...


Does it help you disconnect if you ponder how many side pieces (like yourself) your AP has?


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## Mamina (Jan 5, 2017)

sideways said:


> "I cried all evening because I felt cheap and used".
> 
> I wonder how your husband and this OM wife would feel if they knew?
> 
> ...


Yes, it was selfish of me to cry because of the pain I brought onto myself. I was not thinking of my husband. We have been disconnected for so long that I simply didn't think of him. I feel very little emotional connection to him. I have been with him since I was 17 and we went through some physical and often emotional abuse. Things got better after MC before our daughter was born but part of me never came back. I lost feelings for him. Now I don't even know what I feel for him. I know, I should leave instead of cheating.


colingrant said:


> It's going to be hard to let go if you have no fear of losing what you have. Fear of loss of husband, family, reputation, self-dignity and respect is what's powerful enough to reverse the course of many unfaithful. If you have little to no fear or do not value the aforementioned, then the benefits of your affair are viewed as being greater than the potential costs.
> 
> However, if you fear these virtues, then the next question is, do you fear them enough? You don't even have to be remorseful at this point. You just have to fear what's potentially lost. If you are ok and can live without your afterthought of a husband, then you will continue.
> 
> ...


There is fear all over the place in my mind. I do fear of losing my family the most, especially my daughter. She is still little and she deserves a mom that behaves better. 
Yesterday as I was giving her bath and checking my phone because he was not responding for hours, she was trying so hard to get my attention ever few minutes. I feel ashamed for that. If there is someone that isn't more important than MM then it is my daughter and I will focus on that fact from now on. My mind has been mess for so long now. I need to be more present. I fear loss of reputation and respect. I fear to a certain degree of hurting my husband. No matter how he treated my in past and present, he doesn't deserve this.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Mamina said:


> Yes, it was selfish of me to cry because of the pain I brought onto myself. I was not thinking of my husband. We have been disconnected for so long that I simply didn't think of him. I feel very little emotional connection to him. I have been with him since I was 17 and we went through some physical and often emotional abuse. Things got better after MC before our daughter was born but part of me never came back. I lost feelings for him. Now I don't even know what I feel for him. I know, I should leave instead of cheating.
> 
> 
> There is fear all over the place in my mind. I do fear of losing my family the most, especially my daughter. She is still little and she deserves a mom that behaves better.
> Yesterday as I was giving her bath and checking my phone because he was not responding for hours, she was trying so hard to get my attention ever few minutes. I feel ashamed for that. If there is someone that isn't more important than MM then it is my daughter and I will focus on that fact from now on. My mind has been mess for so long now. I need to be more present. I fear loss of reputation and respect. I fear to a certain degree of hurting my husband. No matter how he treated my in past and present, he doesn't deserve this.


You really can get past this if you want to. You’re stronger than you know. Block this guy, go no contact and share it with your husband. No matter what happens, you might end up feeling relieved that you’re not living a lie anymore.


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

Regain some self respect and end the affair. Your next obligation is to confess to your husband and the other betrayed spouse. She deserves to know what she is married to.


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## ShatteredKat (Mar 23, 2016)

Everyday life presents choices - you make 'em regardless
thing is - is your choice good or appropriate or not

You have a choice staring you in your face:
Confess to your husband and deal with the fallout
or
Spend every day wondering if husband will find out by some other vector.
It could be years, even decades later for your cheating to come to light.

Long term you will find life more comfortable by 'fessing up now.

Then you can live the rest of your life without the lies


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## Mamina (Jan 5, 2017)

Thank you everyone for your advices and insights. I want to reply most of posts individually but for a right now I must say that reading through it all feels like a virtual slap that I needed. It hurts but it also helps me to see the other side of what's happening. As someone already mentioned - I do see MM as a good guy and that's why I'm having such hard time to believe otherwise. For me, it isn't about pure sex, it is a out emotional connection I feel with him. I do want to think more about people we are hurting and I do want to sober out. This is no longer joy. It's more pain over and over again. I'm also seeing a therapist for months now. So far I didn't make any progress.


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## Mamina (Jan 5, 2017)

Tested_by_stress said:


> Regain some self respect and end the affair. Your next obligation is to confess to your husband and the other betrayed spouse. She deserves to know what she is married to.


I've read so many posts where people say it isn't up to OW to say about affair to MM's wife. It should come from him.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Mamina said:


> Thank you everyone for your advices and insights. I want to reply most of posts individually but for a right now I must say that reading through it all feels like a virtual slap that I needed. It hurts but it also helps me to see the other side of what's happening. As someone already mentioned - I do see MM as a good guy and that's why I'm having such hard time to believe otherwise. For me, it isn't about pure sex, it is a out emotional connection I feel with him. I do want to think more about people we are hurting and I do want to sober out. This is no longer joy. It's more pain over and over again. I'm also seeing a therapist for months now. So far I didn't make any progress.


What makes him a good guy? And how do those qualities outweigh the fact that he is cheating on his wife while trying to get her pregnant, is destroying his family, and is using you as a free prostitute? 

If you have been seeing a therapist for "months" and haven't made any progress, then either you are sitting there twiddling your thumbs or you need a new therapist.


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## colingrant (Nov 6, 2017)

Mamina said:


> Yes, it was selfish of me to cry because of the pain I brought onto myself. I was not thinking of my husband. We have been disconnected for so long that I simply didn't think of him. I feel very little emotional connection to him. I have been with him since I was 17 and we went through some physical and often emotional abuse. Things got better after MC before our daughter was born but part of me never came back. I lost feelings for him. Now I don't even know what I feel for him. I know, I should leave instead of cheating.
> 
> 
> There is fear all over the place in my mind. I do fear of losing my family the most, especially my daughter. She is still little and she deserves a mom that behaves better.
> Yesterday as I was giving her bath and checking my phone because he was not responding for hours, she was trying so hard to get my attention ever few minutes. I feel ashamed for that. If there is someone that isn't more important than MM then it is my daughter and I will focus on that fact from now on. My mind has been mess for so long now. I need to be more present. I fear loss of reputation and respect. I fear to a certain degree of hurting my husband. No matter how he treated my in past and present, he doesn't deserve this.


To be fair, what you are feeling many have described as addictive behavior. Some can break it before being discovered. Others will break free of the addiction only after being discovered. Some can't break it at all. The three options I just listed are in order of best to worst case scenario. I appreciate you sharing the special moments of your daughter's bath time. AP shouldn't even be an afterthought during this time, but I think you know this already. 

My concern is you do recognize the danger and pitifulness of your mind being with your AP and not your daughter, but that hasn't altered your addiction to a man that quite frankly may be relieved if the affair stopped. It happened to me before. My fear is a significant event may be required to break you of your addiction. I've been where you are. I had an AP while being a boyfriend to a very underserving young woman. I was a POS in every sense of the word. 

My moment of truth arrived when my AP fell in love and wanted me to herself, hence was prepared to contact my girlfriend about us. Game over. I told my girlfriend before AP had an opportunity. My AP then attempted suicide. The prospect of me playing a role of another person taking their life was the "significant event" needed for me wake up. Morality didn't do it, the suicide attempt did. I was in my early 20's, inexperienced and immature. 

I thought my AP was in it for sex like me. Initially she was, but she got emotionally connected and that's where you are. I was scared straight and instinctively implemented a reset of sorts. It started with staying home and watching boring TV shows with my parents. 

I began to embrace simple things in life because I came this close to my life blowing up, literally. I was so deep into the affair, I'd lost myself and everything I stood for. It was the only time in my life my mom intimated I became something I shouldn't have been, and she didn't even know about the suicide attempt. She could just tell I was living a morally corrupt life. 

The grenade thrown at my feet didn't detonate. God's grace spared me. Me and AP were sexually addicted to one another. Sex took up 75% of the time we were together and the remaining 25% was travel time to and from the location. It took near tragedy for me to awaken from the addiction. I quickly became unadducted because the pain from a life I almost experienced greatly exceeded the physical gratification I received from non-stop, on demand sex. 

I'm hoping you can begin to clearly see where this is headed and where you may be lead to and the finality of where you may end up. Worst case scenario is you lose everything. Best case scenario is you remove AP from your life because your daughter is too precious to allow the very person capable of compromising the agency you have over your daughter. You can control your situation at the moment, but if discovered, you lose control. 

Lastly, and it's not what you want to hear but to free yourself from your AP and the fraud of a marriage your husband is in without knowing it, confession is the only way to proceed living authentically. Before you can reconcile with your husband and family (if that is what you wish to do) you will need to reconcile with yourself. Then reconcile your life. It starts with you and builds from there.


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## NeedleInTheHayStack (8 mo ago)

Mamina said:


> I've read so many posts where people say it isn't up to OW to say about affair to MM's wife. It should come from him.


I may come off harsh because I intend to be, I don't want you to find any validation in your actions because none of them should be validated, from this point forward you need to take actions that better the life of yourself, your husband, and your child.

What you need to do first, is to confess what you've done to your husband, as others have mentioned here. He deserves to know that he was betrayed, and by confessing you allow the possibility of an amicable co-parenting situation.

Second, you need to divorce your husband amicably, as neither of you are happy with one-another and seem to be stuck in a sense of ongoing procrastination regarding the health of your marriage or the end of it. Neither are taking steps to actively fix the marriage, and with your actions now, that likely won't become the case. As such you need to end the marriage to allow yourselves to find another path to walk.

Regardless of all this, your child should be your focus regarding this situation... They don't deserve to be in a household where the parents hate one-another... It's better to live in two households amicably than one household with strife. You're teaching them now, what they should do when they get married, that they should fight with their spouse, or even possibly cheat. You're teaching them now that instead of working on your communication, they needs to yell to get their point across, possibly even escalating to domestic violence. Good parenting isn't just counted when you do the good and fun things with them, it's the things you do when you don't think they're watching... And neither of you are being good parents despite what you think.


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## CheatersRGarbage (8 mo ago)

Wow…so as you said you’ve been ignoring your child as well…so not only are you a terrible wife for cheating on your husband, countless times with absolutely no regard for how he’s going to feel mentally or for what you could pass on to him physically. You’re a terrible mother, because as you noted, your daughter was trying so hard to get your attention but you just didn’t care because you were so focused on this other guy. You’re scared to lose your family? You did this, you quite literally caused this. Your daughter is watching her parents fight over and over again, as you said. You’re teaching your child that this is normal and that these types of relationships are at the very least good to a certain extent. You are poisoning your child’s mind. What would you tell your daughter if she started to cheat on her husband because: “She doesn’t feel anything for her husband/wife?” What would you tell your daughter if she found out that she was being cheated on and constantly being ridiculed by her spouse? Because as of right now, neither you, nor your husband, are a good example for your child. Your marriage and your household is Trauma Central for your child. You two need to separate because clearly, Marriage Counseling didn’t work. You may say it did, but your actions clearly shows that it hasn’t, and you will continue to mess up your kid.


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## Txquail (Feb 21, 2018)

Mamina said:


> I've read so many posts where people say it isn't up to OW to say about affair to MM's wife. It should come from him.


B.S. YOU NEED TO TELL HIS WIFE. You knew all along he was married. You've Put HIS WIFES HEALTH AT RISK as well as YOUR HUSBANDS.

Tell your husband what you have done, then tell the OM Wife. THIS WILL SHOW YOUR HUSBAND YOU REGRET WHAT YOU HAVE DONE. It will also PROVE that you are NOT PROTECTING THE OM.

By YOU NOT TELLING OM Wife, you are protecting him.

PS: IF you tell his wife, I guarantee you that relationship you have with OM WILL END. Whether or not you block him or not. You are protecting the OM and you are hanging onto this affair if YOU DO NOT TELL OM WIFE. You want to start fixing the situation, tell OM wife and tell your husband.


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## blackclover3 (Apr 23, 2021)

@Mamina

just so I understand


you let a guy come inside you for years behind your husband back
you call your husband abuser while you are cheating behind his back and breaking two families
you call your husband an abuser while you are abusing him and your boyfriend's wife
you are abusing your own child by spending time thinking about your boyfriend
you are abusing your family by risking and exposing them to STDs

you are not worried about breaking your family or your kids, you are just worried about your own comfort.

I feel sorry for your husband and I feel sorry for the other woman. one day Karma will catch up to you

the least you could do and for the sake of 20+ years relation you had with you husband is telling him the truth. trust me, he will find out one day and he better finds out sooner from you rather than later

if your boyfriend can cheat on his own wife, even after having a baby with her, doesn't that tell you everything about him? he even might have another girlfriend on the side and is using both.


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## Twodecades (Apr 4, 2021)

Mamina said:


> I've read so many posts where people say it isn't up to OW to say about affair to MM's wife. It should come from him.


If you saw someone being mugged, would you call the police? Or figure it wasn't your job? You are also the perpetrator in this scenario, but if you felt remorse at all for what you've helped do to another human being, you wouldn't be asking whose job it is to tell the other spouse.


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## Txquail (Feb 21, 2018)

Are your kids even your husbands or are they really the OM?

Edit: Years ago I gave my EX-W a choice, either she tells the OBS or I would. If I told her, we were 100% getting a divorce as she was protecting the OM. Guess what, she's a EX for a reason, she didn't want to tell OBS because it would hurt OM. YUP! Thats right, if your not willing to tell OBS, your protecting the OM and you care for his feelings over your own family. Actions say more than words. So what is it going to be?


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

Mamina said:


> I've read so many posts where people say it isn't up to OW to say about affair to MM's wife. It should come from him.


Actually, you can kill two birds with one stone. Tell your husband and let him tell the other betrayed spouse. I would have to ask you something Mamina. What kind of person takes a break from an affair with a married man so that he can have a baby with his wife only to pick up where you left off after the child was born? Where was your conscience?


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Txquail said:


> Are your kids even your husbands or are they really the OM?
> 
> Edit: Years ago I gave my EX-W a choice, either she tells the OBS or I would. If I told her, we were 100% getting a divorce as she was protecting the OM. Guess what, she's a EX for a reason, she didn't want to tell OBS because it would hurt OM. YUP! Thats right, if your not willing to tell OBS, your protecting the OM and you care for his feelings over your own family. Actions say more than words. So what is it going to be?


I think it’s more that she knows the OM will drop her completely if she does anything to make his life difficult. The crumbs that she has now are dwindling… they will stop completely if she rats him out. I have a feeling he will ghost her soon anyway. He‘s growing bored.


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## Txquail (Feb 21, 2018)

QuietRiot said:


> I think it’s more that she knows the OM will drop her completely if she does anything to make his life difficult. The crumbs that she has now are dwindling… they will stop completely if she rats him out. I have a feeling he will ghost her soon anyway. He‘s growing bored.


She knows 100% if she tells his wife, she'll never EVER hear from him again. She values the OM much more than her husband or her children. She'd rather keep cheating on them, rather than hurt her OM.

I gave my ex-wife the choice, tell his wife or get divorce papers today. She elected to get divorce papers today. (She didn't know I had a bunch of photos, emails, etc all stored for her OM Wife to receive. She begged me not to give OBS because it would destroy him and his family. What about MY FAMILY she destroyed with him. Needless to say, I talked to OBS and gave her everything that I had, which OBS then filed for divorce. My EX-W Blamed me for destroying OM marriage, blamed me for destroying her relationship with OM (He dropped her immediately when his wife knew) and how childish I was for exposing everything to everyone. By the way, the OM's Wife thanked me for telling her. She really appreciated what I had done and said if she discovered the affair, she would have told me. 

I seriously doubt the original poster will tell the OBS or her Husband. Give it time, she'll be caught and everyone will know. I'm also willing to bet there's a chance that the children could be the OM's.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Txquail said:


> She knows 100% if she tells his wife, she'll never EVER hear from him again. She values the OM much more than her husband or her children. She'd rather keep cheating on them, rather than hurt her OM.
> 
> I gave my ex-wife the choice, tell his wife or get divorce papers today. She elected to get divorce papers today. (She didn't know I had a bunch of photos, emails, etc all stored for her OM Wife to receive. She begged me not to give OBS because it would destroy him and his family. What about MY FAMILY she destroyed with him. Needless to say, I talked to OBS and gave her everything that I had, which OBS then filed for divorce. My EX-W Blamed me for destroying OM marriage, blamed me for destroying her relationship with OM (He dropped her immediately when his wife knew) and how childish I was for exposing everything to everyone. By the way, the OM's Wife thanked me for telling her. She really appreciated what I had done and said if she discovered the affair, she would have told me.
> 
> I seriously doubt the original poster will tell the OBS or her Husband. Give it time, she'll be caught and everyone will know. I'm also willing to bet there's a chance that the children could be the OM's.


I simply can’t understand how WS come to think the way they do and take zero responsibility for their choices. 

These people believe it’s ok to crap on the person they took vows to and their own kids just so they can have the tingles. I really can’t think of anything more pathetic.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Txquail said:


> I seriously doubt the original poster will tell the OBS or her Husband.


Yeah, it's highly unlikely.

My wife told her AP's wife, but not until she felt like she had no other options to try and salvage things (and she kept ****ing him anyway so what good that did). She talked to the OM's wife without me knowing until after the fact. Most of it was done via text so that's all I had to see and she could have been texting anyone. The OM's wife called me 2-3 days later, we talked and she sent me about 100 screenshots of their texts and porn videos from his burner phone. I talked to her a few more times after that. Without that, I doubt I'd trust my wife actually told her. 

So on the off chance that the OP does tell the wife what has been going on, she needs to either have her husband present (and the decision should be his to make) or record the call or conversation - no texting. Calls and conversations can be faked too if she has a willing friend who is a good actress, but it's less likely. Her husband would also be wise to verify the number actually belongs to the OM's wife, which is easy to do these days.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Divorce your husband. You don’t respect him and you aren’t honest within the marriage. You’ve ruined any chance that it could be good.

I must ask - why do you depend on any man for YOUR happiness?
That’s something you should give yourself!


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

Mamina said:


> I'm also seeing a therapist for months now. So far I didn't make any progress.


Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. If this one is not working find another. You really need to be super cautious when selecting a counselor.

ask yourself honestly as to why you are not making progress.Could it be you will not implement appropriately the suggestion being offered?

consider reading Eckhart Tolle. Power of Now.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Have you told the counselor that you’ve been having an affair?


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## Mamina (Jan 5, 2017)

I understand what everyone is saying. Some isn't easy to read but it's true and I need to hear it. But one thing I won't agree with is to be called a bad mom. I suck as a wife when it comes to honesty due to cheating, but I'm a good mom. Yes, there are times I check my phone and my mind wonders off but I'm also pretty good at correcting that. 
As a mom though, I'm failing exactly where my mom failed. She was abused by my alcoholic father but never left him. So codependent. But stayed no matter what. 
That's where I am. I call him abuser because he was - physically. Still is emotionally. My therapist said my affair is a form of escaping due to that. He was my first boyfriend and I didn't know better. Looking back, I was probably just running away from my dysfunctional family just to create another one. That's on me. I should left back then but I didn't. He would always laughed at me and say " who would want you!?" These days he hates when someone jokes I'm not his wife because I'm too pretty for him. He hated for me to go to a college to better myself, to grow. Called me stupid while I ended up one of the best students while studying in a language that isn't my native. Each time I would grow he wanted to make me smaller. That leaves scares on your soul. 
Some of you pointed out my old post - it has nothing to do with OM. It was from 2017 and I didn't know he existed back then. 
Also, my daughter is my husband's. I didn't know him back then neither.
When it comes to STD - I use protection. I would not put my husband in any risk of that. I'm not a careless evil. 
I have no excuse for what I'm doing. I just have to put words into actions and end it. My therapist said I'm slowly getting there because I'm starting to see more of a real MM than the version of him that I thought he was.


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## Mamina (Jan 5, 2017)

No Longer Lonely Husband said:


> Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. If this one is not working find another. You really need to be super cautious when selecting a counselor.
> 
> ask yourself honestly as to why you are not making progress.Could it be you will not implement appropriately the suggestion being offered?
> 
> consider reading Eckhart Tolle. Power of Now.


Thanks! I actually downloaded that book recently.


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## Mamina (Jan 5, 2017)

Beach123 said:


> Have you told the counselor that you’ve been having an affair?


Yes. That was the whole point of seeing her. I was struggling how to cope. I didn't understand why I felt all I did. Why hot and cold was driving me nuts. Why I took everything as my fault. Low-selfesteem and all. I was having chest pains from all the stress it brought. 
Im also talking to her about my marriage. About things that are happening between me and my H.


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## Mamina (Jan 5, 2017)

Beach123 said:


> Divorce your husband. You don’t respect him and you aren’t honest within the marriage. You’ve ruined any chance that it could be good.
> 
> I must ask - why do you depend on any man for YOUR happiness?
> That’s something you should give yourself!


That's true. Something I have struggled with most of my life. According to my therapist I don't love myself. She said if I did I wouldn't let anyone treat me bad.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Mamina said:


> But one thing I won't agree with is to be called a bad mom. I suck as a wife when it comes to honesty due to cheating, but I'm a good mom.


Good parents do not do things that will risk their childs safety or destroy their child's family and their other parent. And I say that as someone who has been on both sides of infidelity. 



Mamina said:


> When it comes to STD - I use protection. I would not put my husband in any risk of that. I'm not a careless evil.


Oh, so THAT'S where you draw the line  

Do you also use condoms when you're giving him blowjobs and use dental dams when he's going down on you? Do you let him rub his **** up against your lady parts uncovered? STDs do not just spread from PIV sex. They can also spread by kissing or touching in some cases.


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## Mamina (Jan 5, 2017)

bobert said:


> Good parents do not do things that will risk their childs safety or destroy their child's family and their other parent. And I say that as someone who has been on both sides of infidelity.
> 
> 
> Oh, so THAT'S where you draw the line
> ...


My husband and I don't kiss. We haven't for year. He don't go down on each other. There is no fun in our bedroom. It was like that before MM. There were times when I would automatically cry right after he was done. I don't know why. Just tons of sadness instead of happy, connecting feelings towards him.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Mamina said:


> I understand what everyone is saying. Some isn't easy to read but it's true and I need to hear it. But one thing I won't agree with is to be called a bad mom. I suck as a wife when it comes to honesty due to cheating, but I'm a good mom. Yes, there are times I check my phone and my mind wonders off but I'm also pretty good at correcting that.
> As a mom though, I'm failing exactly where my mom failed. She was abused by my alcoholic father but never left him. So codependent. But stayed no matter what.
> That's where I am. I call him abuser because he was - physically. Still is emotionally. My therapist said my affair is a form of escaping due to that. He was my first boyfriend and I didn't know better. Looking back, I was probably just running away from my dysfunctional family just to create another one. That's on me. I should left back then but I didn't. He would always laughed at me and say " who would want you!?" These days he hates when someone jokes I'm not his wife because I'm too pretty for him. He hated for me to go to a college to better myself, to grow. Called me stupid while I ended up one of the best students while studying in a language that isn't my native. Each time I would grow he wanted to make me smaller. That leaves scares on your soul.
> Some of you pointed out my old post - it has nothing to do with OM. It was from 2017 and I didn't know he existed back then.
> ...


Okay so your husband was and is a bad choice. But making further bad choices and pining after a married man that treats you like a masturbatory device is compounding your bad choices and degrading your self worth. As it should. People who value themselves don’t behave the way you’re behaving. 

You may not be a bad mom, but I’d argue you cannot be a great mom when you’re willing to run off with the OM on a whim and constantly have your head wrapped up in him, and when you are setting the bar so low for that poor child if your marriage is as terrible as you say it is. 

So is your therapist there to hem and haw about all your bad choices or are you working to do something about this crappy situation? I’d argue you could be a way better parent half the time if you are healthy, strong and involved than half assing it and exposing the kid to witness emotional abuse all the time.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Mamina said:


> My husband and I don't kiss. We haven't for year. He don't go down on each other. There is no fun in our bedroom. It was like that before MM. There were times when I would automatically cry right after he was done. I don't know why. Just tons of sadness instead of happy, connecting feelings towards him.


That's not what I asked. 

Also, the sob story isn't going to work.


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

Mamina, what about compassion for your POS boyfriend's wife and child? I understand your lack of empathy toward your husband given your history together. But what did the wife and child do to deserve your actions?


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## blackclover3 (Apr 23, 2021)

Mamina said:


> When it comes to STD - I use protection. I would not put my husband in any risk of that. I'm not a careless evil.
> I have no excuse for what I'm doing. I just have to put words into actions and end it. My therapist said I'm slowly getting there because I'm starting to see more of a real MM than the version of him that I thought he was.


are you sure? cheating alone is considered careless, evil and the most disrespectful act. Protection doesn't always protect you from STD
again, what would've you done if it was your husband the one cheating?
again#2 - you need to confess to your husband and the other woman. otherwise you will live a really miserable life.


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## JohnnyJo (8 mo ago)

Mamina,

Thank you so much for sharing your story. You are in a great pain by not knowing how to escape and confused. You are in love with another man while being in the marriage and I believe you might be ashamed for your behaviour, emotionally abandoned by your husband, sad, sexually unsatisfied by your husband and angry. The relationship with MM became obsessive for you and you do not seem to know how to move on.

Does anything above sound familiar to you?


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

Yes Mamina, as per @JohnnyJo thanks for sharing your story cos you knew you weren't going to get much sympathy.

You're addicted to MM and it's like any other addiction, it takes over your life.
Maybe make a silent vow to your child who was seeking your attention to go No Contact with MM?
Maybe try a different therapist? You said you were seeing the current one for a while?
People keep a hold over another person by doing the 'hot & cold' and feeding the other person breadcrumbs? It's the oldest trick in the book. He knows how to play you. 
How do you know you're the only one MM is playing around with? My guess he is, it would explain his 'cold' periods as well.
My solution sounds simple I know. I'm just trying to throw some ideas out there. 
Try the above and divorce your husband. Is that impossible for some reason?
I'm not sure I'd tell your husband about the A because he has been physically abusive in the past and his anger might bring it up again.
But I think you'd be doing a good thing morally by telling OM's wife—making amends to her in a small way, well in fact a big way cos it's a big part of her life that she knows zero about.
MM sounds like a total jerk on many different levels and he's getting some kind of perverse kick out of behaving as he does. And the rough sex too which you don't even like? Couldn't be the more opposite to love. To me he sounds scary. 
Why not resolve not to let such a nasty piece of work use you like that?
I'd bet a very large sum of money that you're not the only one as I said above.


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