# Brand new and already divorcing



## Robinskisses

Yes. I've read several threads (along with many other more active steps) on TAM in Hope's of renewing my marriage. But it has come down to divorce for me. Have been a SAHM till now... none of the securities that I have enjoyed in my marriage have made the low level borderline emotional abuse tolerable. So now have filled out divorce papers and am going to turn them in tomorrow. . There is so much more to say...


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## EleGirl

Robinskisses said:


> Yes. I've read several threads (along with many other more active steps) on TAM in Hope's of renewing my marriage. But it has come down to divorce for me. Have been a SAHM till now... none of the securities that I have enjoyed in my marriage have made the low level borderline emotional abuse tolerable. So now have filled out divorce papers and am going to turn them in tomorrow. . There is so much more to say...


How long have you been married? How many children do you have and what are their ages? (Just trying to get a fuller picture of your situation.)
Now that you are filing for divorce, what you are your plans going forward?


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## Robinskisses

I will have to get a job..my world will change drastically, but not having to be called names every time I make a mistake, and not having to worry about pissing my husband off because I forgot something at the store, being able to buy something without being interrogated about why I would purchase that item in the first place ..... not having to have things thrown at me when I do the things I just mentioned that will be so peaceful. I didn't know it was abuse till I read a couple of posts here on TAM about women who were in abusive relationships. My situation is much more mild.. but it is close enough that I see there isn't really hope for a healthy marriage in this relationship..Abusers don't stop abusing. AND the bait and switch cycle had me confused and feeling a strange guiltiness for years. It true abusers know when to abuse.

We have 2 children... my husband is much kinder to them than me. So that seems good.. I have asked for full custody though.. mainly because it will be simpler with his job. Which has a topsy turvy schedule. 

My number one plan is to remember that I have value and that I am an attractive, capable woman. I had forgotten those things. My husband has treated me as though I am a burden for so long that I began to believe it... but I'm not. I'm not just a burden.. 

Then some kind of career.. I have asked for the house.... which is just an old run down trailer house..... so it isn't much... but it will house the children and me till I get myself up and running.. 

Those are my plans so far...


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## PigglyWiggly

Robinskisses said:


> I will have to get a job..my world will change drastically, but not having to be called names every time I make a mistake, and not having to worry about pissing my husband off because I forgot something at the store, being able to buy something without being interrogated about why I would purchase that item in the first place ..... not having to have things thrown at me when I do the things I just mentioned that will be so peaceful. I didn't know it was abuse till I read a couple of posts here on TAM about women who were in abusive relationships. My situation is much more mild.. but it is close enough that I see there isn't really hope for a healthy marriage in this relationship..Abusers don't stop abusing. AND the bait and switch cycle had me confused and feeling a strange guiltiness for years. It true abusers know when to abuse.
> 
> We have 2 children... my husband is much kinder to them than me. So that seems good.. I have asked for full custody though.. mainly because it will be simpler with his job. Which has a topsy turvy schedule.
> 
> My number one plan is to remember that I have value and that I am an attractive, capable woman. I had forgotten those things. My husband has treated me as though I am a burden for so long that I began to believe it... but I'm not. I'm not just a burden..
> 
> Then some kind of career.. I have asked for the house.... which is just an old run down trailer house..... so it isn't much... but it will house the children and me till I get myself up and running..
> 
> Those are my plans so far...


I wish you well! It sounds like you have been honest with yourself which seems to be the hardest person for many to be honest with. Kudos for that!


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## EleGirl

Robinskisses said:


> I will have to get a job..my world will change drastically, but not having to be called names every time I make a mistake, and not having to worry about pissing my husband off because I forgot something at the store, being able to buy something without being interrogated about why I would purchase that item in the first place ..... not having to have things thrown at me when I do the things I just mentioned that will be so peaceful. I didn't know it was abuse till I read a couple of posts here on TAM about women who were in abusive relationships. My situation is much more mild.. but it is close enough that I see there isn't really hope for a healthy marriage in this relationship..Abusers don't stop abusing. AND the bait and switch cycle had me confused and feeling a strange guiltiness for years. It true abusers know when to abuse.
> 
> We have 2 children... my husband is much kinder to them than me. So that seems good.. I have asked for full custody though.. mainly because it will be simpler with his job. Which has a topsy turvy schedule.
> 
> My number one plan is to remember that I have value and that I am an attractive, capable woman. I had forgotten those things. My husband has treated me as though I am a burden for so long that I began to believe it... but I'm not. I'm not just a burden..
> 
> Then some kind of career.. I have asked for the house.... which is just an old run down trailer house..... so it isn't much... but it will house the children and me till I get myself up and running..
> 
> Those are my plans so far...


Having been through a marriage with a man who sounds a lot like your husband, I can tell you that there is no way you should put up with being threated that way. Your plans make sense. I wish you a lot of success.

How long have you been married? How old are your children?

Does you state allow for rehabilitative alimony? That would help you get some education/training so that you would be more prepared to take care of yourself and your children.


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## sunsetmist

Robinskisses said:


> I will have to get a job..my world will change drastically, but not having to be called names every time I make a mistake, and not having to worry about pissing my husband off because I forgot something at the store, being able to buy something without being interrogated about why I would purchase that item in the first place ..... not having to have things thrown at me when I do the things I just mentioned that will be so peaceful. I didn't know it was abuse till I read a couple of posts here on TAM about women who were in abusive relationships. My situation is much more mild.. *but it is close enough that I see there isn't really hope for a healthy marriage in this relationship.*.Abusers don't stop abusing. AND the bait and switch cycle had me confused and feeling a strange guiltiness for years. It true abusers know when to abuse.
> ............
> My husband has treated me as though I am a burden for so long that I began to believe it... but I'm not. I'm not just a burden..
> ...........


Yay for you! Sounds like he treats you more like a possession than a wife. Be aware that his criticism and anger are likely to escalate as you leave. Hope you have back-up relatives and/or friends. IMHO: you do not have a marriage, but an angry dictator ruling over his kingdom.


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## Robinskisses

We were married for 12 years. I kept thinking he would mellow out.. or that the angry side would diminish as time went by. It did a little bit... but more in that he got better at only abusing when it wasn't going to come back on him socially... our children are 10 Daughter and 8 Son. The strangest thing about all this is that now that I have begun the process he is being strangely sweet and helpful. Yet complying completely with the divorce process. He even came with me to file the petition and was helpful as we went through the steps at the court house.... this is so weird.. he is acting like we just went to do a normal thing. The first 2 days after I told him he was calling me names and throwing things at my legs .. then yesterday he woke up happy helpful and has been that way all day today at the courthouse and even took the children and I out for a very nice dinner... this is so confusing!!


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## EleGirl

Robinskisses said:


> We were married for 12 years. I kept thinking he would mellow out.. or that the angry side would diminish as time went by. It did a little bit... but more in that he got better at only abusing when it wasn't going to come back on him socially... our children are 10 Daughter and 8 Son. The strangest thing about all this is that now that I have begun the process he is being strangely sweet and helpful. Yet complying completely with the divorce process. He even came with me to file the petition and was helpful as we went through the steps at the court house.... this is so weird.. he is acting like we just went to do a normal thing. The first 2 days after I told him he was calling me names and throwing things at my legs .. then yesterday he woke up happy helpful and has been that way all day today at the courthouse and even took the children and I out for a very nice dinner... this is so confusing!!


What you are seeing is completely predictable. Not strange at all. It's classic abuser behavior.

You said that over time he became more careful about his abuse so that others did not see it. Basically, what that tells you is that he has 100% control over his behavior. 

Abuse is about control. He uses as much abuse as he needs to at anyone time to keep you under his control. When you told him that you were divorcing, even got physical at first. That's a normal reaction of an abuser... to escalate the abuse to try to get you to back down. Now that you have not backed down, he's trying the good-boy act to see if that can get you to stop pursuing a divorce. Be careful, his abuse will most likely escalate more and even get physically violent once he realized that the good-boy act is not going to get you to stop the divorce.

Why is he going with you to file the divorce petition? That's not what normally happens with divorce. You file. Then he responds. 

Do you have a lawyer for the divorce? I mean a lawyer that he is not using?


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## Robinskisses

I am not sure why he wanted to go with me. But I filed yesterday and he was served there at the court house. Right away he went into the clerk and signed the summons and it was notorized right there.... he agreed to everything in the petition... just read it through once and signed. Neither of us have a lawyer I have no money of my own and he claims he can't afford one. In our state since he signed there is no further action for 3 weeks. In three weeks I can bring my copy of the divorce decree in to the court house to be signed by the judge. And it will be over... since he signed the summons with no requests he has agreed to all I asked for. According to the Court Assistant we are all set. So unless he is ignoring the facts he must understand that no matter what he does now this marriage is over?


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## EleGirl

Robinskisses said:


> I am not sure why he wanted to go with me. But I filed yesterday and he was served there at the court house. Right away he went into the clerk and signed the summons and it was notorized right there.... he agreed to everything in the petition... just read it through once and signed. Neither of us have a lawyer I have no money of my own and he claims he can't afford one. In our state since he signed there is no further action for 3 weeks. In three weeks I can bring my copy of the divorce decree in to the court house to be signed by the judge. And it will be over... since he signed the summons with no requests he has agreed to all I asked for. According to the Court Assistant we are all set. So unless he is ignoring the facts he must understand that no matter what he does now this marriage is over?


Are you saying that you have no idea how much money he has? Do you know how much money he earns?

Is he paying you alimony? how about child support? Are you getting 50% of the assets? It sounds like you have no idea what your assets are. So how could you possibly draw up a divorce settlement?

My bet is that he signed it that easily because the papers you drew up gave him a pass on everything.


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## happyhusband0005

EleGirl said:


> My bet is that he signed it that easily because the papers you drew up gave him a pass on everything.


I agree he is being so agreeable because now he has to get a new place but other than that he just cut out 60% of his expenses and doesn't have to pay you anything. 

But in the end you marriage sounds like it was a nightmare so maybe it's worth it for you to just get out clean. 

Good luck with a happy future.


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## 3Xnocharm

Walking on eggshells because of an angry man is the worst way to live. I am so glad for you that you came to the realization that you needed to get out. Its a little creepy that he is being so cooperative all of a sudden, sleep with one eye open until you get out. (or he leaves) I have the same concerns as Elegirl about your settlement. You need to be 100% sure you are getting support and your 50% share.


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## Robinskisses

I know how much money he earns. Instead of asking for alimony I asked for the real estate which we own outright. This means that I have no mortgage. No I don't get a cash payout each month. Other than the child support..which is enought go care for the children. but I will be living in peace and without fear. That is worth more than anything.... I tried to make the divorce petition as simple and easy to agree to as I could. The best thing for me is to be away from the constant subtle put downs and borderline abusiveness... No battle. Just freedom.


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## TJW

Robinskisses said:


> No battle. Just freedom.


Best for you, best for your children. The real estate is "permanent". Alimony isn't. Couple years down the road, he will be able to make the case that you have had sufficient time to become self-supportive.

Child support will stay in place until they are adults.


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## EleGirl

Robinskisses said:


> I know how much money he earns. Instead of asking for alimony I asked for the real estate which we own outright. This means that I have no mortgage. No I don't get a cash payout each month. Other than the child support..which is enought go care for the children. but I will be living in peace and without fear. That is worth more than anything.... I tried to make the divorce petition as simple and easy to agree to as I could. The best thing for me is to be away from the constant subtle put downs and borderline abusiveness... No battle. Just freedom.


Will he be signing over the real estate to you before the divorce is final?


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## Robinskisses

Legally we are required to wait till after the divorce is final. All property remains common until the divorce is finalized. But it is in the divorce petition that I will get the real estate.


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