# Do they really mean, to be mean?



## Nora (Aug 29, 2011)

Hello
In my experience most people are kind and considerate to each other. I grew up in a stable family, my mother and father are very lovely people and they are like my best friends, we spend a lot of time together and enjoy each other's company immensely.
I was quite shocked to experience the most frightening rages from my husband where he would blame everyone all around him for issues that he created himself.
I was even more shocked to be spoken to like no one has ever spoken to me before - he used cruel words and behaviours to hurt me, and my daughter. He had unrealistic expectations of me and of her and he expected me to deprive her of basic necessities to make him feel better.
He was jealous of her and couldn't understand that my love for him and her was different love. I felt incapacitated and so helpless to make things different and I prayed and hoped things would be better because I loved him and was so devoted to him and to help him in his insecurities and inadequacies that he felt.
I ruminate trying to get past all the shock and pain and wonder if he really meant the terrible things he said to me, did he mean to be so mean? Did he realise how hideous his behaviour was? Did he deliberately mean to be so cruel to me? 
I feel emotionally stuck and betrayed.
thanks
x
Nora


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

This is in the Divorce section so I assume you two are getting divorced.

It's possible in a divorce situation, one party feels he/she has nothing to lose and is taking the no-holds-barred position. If that's the case, expect anything.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Went over some of your earlier posts. From your description of him, it seems what your sbtx-husband is doing is consistent with his overall behavior.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Could answer some questions to help put things in perspective?

Is he the father of your daughter?
How long have you been married?
How old is your daughter?
How old are the two of you?
How long have you been married?

Most likely he was deliberately cruel in that it's the way he has learned to deal with things. Generally when a person acts the way you describe, they have a need to control other person. So they use verbal, and even physical abuse, to maintain control. 

There are two books that I think will help you understand what went on:

"Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men"

"Dance of Anger: A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships"


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## Nora (Aug 29, 2011)

Thanks for your replies Aug. His consistently sh!tty behaviour you mean?
It's all been quite the surprise.
I don't want to be divorced or separated. He has issues, but none I don't feel can't be faced.
That's the shock to me.
I think I'm still in denial about how awful he was to me. Is this really possible to be so inhumane to another? 
I really want to believe that he didn't mean to be that horrible.
x
Nora


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## Nora (Aug 29, 2011)

Elegirl thank you!
to answer your questions:
He is not my daughters father - her father is a person with whom we have a very good relationship - she is 20 years of age
My stbxh were married for six years
I am 45, he is 39
He is an amazing person in so many ways - but I didn't see fully his need to control me until we moved in together.
I didn't think of what you said until now - that his need to control is based on how he deals with things. That's a new thought to add to all the others... 
I wanted to understand him so much..... and I didn't have the language to reflect back to him how I felt because he was capable of cutting me off for weeks at a time for trying to hold an open, honest and nonjudgemental conversation.
I am so sad.
I would really have loved to work with him, and I miss him. 
Thank you 
Nora x


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Nora said:


> Elegirl thank you!
> to answer your questions:
> He is not my daughters father - her father is a person with whom we have a very good relationship - she is 20 years of age
> My stbxh were married for six years
> ...


Again.. please read the books. They explain a lot. I think it will help you.

And yes, there really are people who are just mean.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

If he meant to be mean, that says something about him, NOT you.



If his meanness is driven by something less than conscious and he has not, for whatever reason, learned to manage then that ALSO says nothing about you.



The important part is you are you no matter who he is or how he behaves or why.



You did not deserve the meanness.



Guard the precious days of your life from it.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

what was your Hs childhood like? Has he been M before?

Does he have any female "friends"... not sexual, just friends?

Does he drink? If so...how much? What type of job does he have?

His anger stems from somewhere.... before you and he met.

You should not have to put up with his anger dumps. Neither 

should your D. Would you like for your D to grow up and marry 

someone like him? If your answer is no...you need to address

this yesterday. Would he seek IC for his anger management?

My pop was a major hothead. I was too as a kid. When I reached

my late teens I observed how he would make an ass of himself.... I

realized, a temper is fine if it is controlled.


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