# Husband freaking out 800 miles away from me!



## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

My husband left saturday to go work. We could not rent a house and move as a family because no one would aprove us. I'm liivng with his parents and hes living in an extend a stay type place.

Yesterday was fine between us. I missed him, but I was still in emotional bliss loving him from afar...

Today was his first day at work and it went really well. He even said He was asked if he would want to be foreman which is $4.50 more per hour. I wondered why he was texting me all this instead of calling me, but I didn't say anything at that moment because I was also talking to his mom.

Things didn;t start going downhill until I asked if he still wanted to rent a house that becomes available at the end of august. He said he didn't want too. I didn't understand why. The house is only $850 and it is farther away than he wants to drive to work, but they don't require a credit check. I asked what his plans were for a house and he basically told me I dont need to know anything because he makes the money. I wanted to know things like what price range is he thinking about, what area is he thinking, how long will it take us to save. He said he didn't know thats the least of his worries right now!!!!

I asked what he was worried about and he said "of gee, where do I begin....Hmmm
well my immediate worries r that u r freaking out, & wanting me to feel what u feel! If that happens, & I bring ur drama & worries bull**** to work, I will not b employed for long

I responded to say I needed a goal plan in my head, unless he wanted to handle the money.

He said: BS if U want a goal to look forward too in ur head then we follow a budget and stick to it. if thats not good enough then get a job. I'm done Thanks for ***ing my first full day of work up

I responded: I called not to argue with you

Then he continued texted with lots of things like I luv u lots, talk to you sometime

I may or may not talk to you tomorrow....

I did say to his above comment: I may or may not be his rock

He said Bummer, well i guess i may or may not b the man u always wanted

He continued to text throwing I luv you in there, but then saying I'll talk to you sometime

He even sent me a pic of himself in the dark saying thats him bummed

I never responded back to him and I plan not to text him in the morning that I love him and for him to have a good day. I will also not post FB of loving my husband and thinking of him before I fall asleep


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

His strange behaviors tonihgt don't make me feel confident that OW might contact him or that he might decide to get himself a peice of ass from the same website he met her on.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Wow. That's not a good thing  Just because he makes the money doesn't mean you two can't be a team ad have a plan! Sounds like he waited to be away from you to really cut the ties.


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

that_girl said:


> Wow. That's not a good thing  Just because he makes the money doesn't mean you two can't be a team ad have a plan! Sounds like he waited to be away from you to really cut the ties.


I doubt he waited to be away from me to cut ties even though it seems that way. Hes got a childish way of communicating his fears a lot of the times. I was supposed to go with him and stay a couple weeks, but when I checked our acct funds were too low. He wanted to stay so bad and go out to work in a couple weeks. I'd never seen him act like he didn't want to leave me to travel for work. When we are together He never wants to be away from me and hes always touching me.

I agree we should be a team for saving for a rental house. 

I also feel like he does not trust me. I'm living in the same house that he was in when he joined a free dating network and hooked up with wh0re and continued hooked up even after he started communicating with me and seeing me. He was not having sex with me at that time even though I would tell him I wanted him. 

I'm not sure if he thinks I could do the same thing he did. He would ahve no control of what I do. But then I would think he would want to get me out ther ASAP. 

I guess I'll see what tomorrow brings...I have vowed to myself not to text him in the AM to tell him I love him and to have a good day and not to post on FB of how much I love him


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

He was such a jerk tonight that he tore down the very loving feelings I had for him. Now all I remember is a heartless jerk. I did email him telling me he didn't have to worry about me sleeping on his side of the bed or using his pillow, I don't need to remember.

I had been telling him I was sleeping on his dude snd using his pillows because it made me feel closer to him
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I hope things work out. Have you spoken to him today?


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

Sounds like someone was breaking his balls. A lot of married men who do the responsible thing and work with their partner catch some flax. Single guys tend to think that men should make all the decisions. They then give married guys crap for doing what your supposed to do in marriage. 
I wouldn't worry too much about it. I would call him and maybe have an ego boost call. Tell him he is best lover, a good husband, and he is the light of your life. 
He is starting a new job and probably is a little worried about being able to pull everything off.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

I think you actually have to have a conversation on the phone..not just texting......that might help to begin with.


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## Speed (Dec 9, 2011)

Sounds like he doesn't handle stress well.


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

highwood said:


> I think you actually have to have a conversation on the phone..not just texting......that might help to begin with.


I did try to have a conversation on the phone. He would not stop his insulting words. I actually was trying to not talk about the upsetting subject because it was going no where. I just wanted to talk to him and love him before we both went to sleep. He kept yelling at me and tellingme hurtful things. I hung up when he said if he got run off of the job he would not come back for me. Then he continued his words on text with me ignoring them. I did text him that I called to love him before we went to bed.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Just stop contacting him. 

It doesn't seen to be helping anything.


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

Speed said:


> Sounds like he doesn't handle stress well.


No he does not!! I'm tired of being his emotional punching bag though. One thing he said was that it upsets him very much that I'm not upset about losing our house and everything. 

I choose not to wallo in his pitty. Wallowing in it will not make us get our house back. 

We have had many conversations about losing our house and I've said that the house was under water to begin with and the house was keeping us apart. There has not been consistant work near us ever since soon after buying the house 8 years ago. If he works in state he has to travel 90 minutes 1 way to work. There has been twice before where hes had to work out of state and pay for 2 households. Many times in between those traveling times where he unemployed due to work ending. 

My husband refuses to look at the facts. Of course I am not happy about my yard going to crap, I worked very very hard on it and I love to garden. I'm also not happy about being under water on the house and not being able to sell it or short sale it

He doesn't want to look at the new start and make our way of life work for us. It would be silly to own a home when we will have to move several times because hes having to work out of state often and he wants to move to the current location hes working


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

Look it really seems like he needs to take a day off and you need to send the kids to a sitter. Then you to need to talk it out. Assure him that he is where your home is. The home may have been his dream home. Some sort of ideal dream come true fantasy he was clinging to. You just need to let him know you love him more than the bricks and the wood that make this house. Let him know that you are not going anywhere. Let him know that you support him and that you want him to be happy. 

It seems like he is scared of losing his house and that you will resent him for it. Trust me scared people do stupid things.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Blue, I'm going to try to say this very gently to you --

you are making things worse.

The guy's lost his house, he's alone in a new pace 800 miles away from his loved ones, he's starting a new job...none of these are easy.

Try a little experiment. Just for four days. More if you can, but at least four. Be relentlessly positive and affectionate with him. No complaints, no criticisms, no nothing negative. Shower him with love and praise. Don't ask "why" about anything. ("why" is inherently negative. Asking someone why they did or did not do something is a veiled attack. So no whys.)

Just let him be, and be supportive for a few days, and see if that makes a difference.

Yes, yes, I know he did wrong in the past, yes, yes, but if you want to get past it, you need to show him some support for this difficult new chapter of life. JMHO.


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

that_girl said:


> I hope things work out. Have you spoken to him today?


He did text me this morning while at work on his break. He can't call at work because its a high security place. He acted like nothing happened last night. I could still tell he had resentment because of the way he started the text " Morning" and then about how he was already running out of bananas. I decided to respond with "oh" He said what "no morning" I responded "sorry, didn't expect to hear from you" Then he proceeded to blame me for last night.

I really just don't feel like communicating with him for a while till he can as my close friend puts it "gets his head out of his A&&"

Which would be a sincere apoligy and a calm way of talking about his feelings nad no blaming me for what his actions were towards me


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Again?!?!? WTF!!

*Come clean and own your sh*t or find another forum to spew this crap. *

The manufactured reality you keep presenting here is a farce. 

Your trying to gaslight us AGAIN.

Have you told your husband that WELL BEFORE he ever 'cheated' (BTW, He didn't. You were separated before he sought another women) Why?..... You were the one having the affair (EA & PA). You were having your affair partner fly in to 'service' you. That's why the seperation happened, but he doesn't know that does he?

No... you haven't told him and you havent told anyone that in your post either.... 

You are a serial gaslighter. He doesn't trust you for a very good reason, but you will never tell him that he's not crazy. His mind is probably turning to sausage, his instincts are screaming at him constantly but his wife will never tell him the truth. Your husbands behavior and his actions are very likely a result of your ongoing mental abuse. 

It's sick that your dragging concerned members of TAM into your lie. Caring members here are unknowingly fueling your twisted reality. He's not the bad guy or the adulterer, you are. Stop gaslighting this community!. 

*Own your lies and cheating or keep reaping the karma of them.*


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

lamaga said:


> Blue, I'm going to try to say this very gently to you --
> 
> you are making things worse.
> 
> ...


I do agree with what you are saying....I just think space is now needed because things will get worse....

I'm dealing with very hard times too. As soon as we moved out of our home I started to be in extreme pain because my teeth. Went to a dentist for people with no insurance and they wanted to remove 3 teeth, but they could not there because for some reason I'm physically unable to open my mouth. Then a few days later a new tooth started nerve pain. I now have an appt with a surgeon, but was told that medicaid won't do anything about the tooth that has caused me not to be abel to eat ever since my husband left. Its been since Friday night. 

We also have a special needs son who is now starting to not deal with being away from home and daddy gone. Our son has full autism.

I guess for the time being I agree that I will not tell him about his sons difficulty. 

I also feel I need space to be able to heal from his words because I don't want my words to come across non-supportive


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> Again?!?!? WTF!!
> 
> *Come clean and own your sh*t or find another forum to spew this crap. *
> 
> ...


My husband new about EA and I tried to tell him more, but he did not want to know.... I also did talk to him about "why" it happened. 

If my husbands actions were not cheating because we were seperated and going through divorce than maybe mine were not either. It was ONS while we were seperated and I imediatly stopped the EA....even though we were sepaerated and going through divorce I stopped contacting and stopped all communication, just cut OM off completly and about 5 days later told him I diddn't want him


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Oh wow.

Changes a lot in my eyes.

Good luck, blueskies...I hope it works out. There's a lot of pain here...maybe it can't be saved.


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> Again?!?!? WTF!!
> 
> *Come clean and own your sh*t or find another forum to spew this crap. *
> 
> ...


BTW at the same exact time i had the ONS with OM my husband was having a purely sexual affair from end of September to like Nov 4th. He started telling me he wanted our marriage and started seeing me middle of Oct. He didn't stop with OW until OW put something out on FB for me to see. 

Also FYI my husband had some cheating behaviors well before all this which I never will know wether he did anything or not. I found texts about 3 years ago from a woman he never told me about who is a waitress at the sports bar he regulary goes too.

Hes also admitted to kissing another girl in 2001....

These are all things I didn't say about my husband


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

that_girl said:


> Oh wow.
> 
> Changes a lot in my eyes.
> 
> Good luck, blueskies...I hope it works out. There's a lot of pain here...maybe it can't be saved.


We both did things wrong and we both admit that. I do feel like there has been a lot of healing, but there is bumps in the road. I don't want to know anything else about OW. I've blocked her from FB and am trying to move on. He doesn't want to know anything else about OM. Once I tried to tell him, but he stopped me and got angry saying he did not want to know anything more and that I don't listen to him. 

My husband never mentions OM...all he mentions is about being kicked out and me spending money


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> Again?!?!? WTF!!
> 
> *Come clean and own your sh*t or find another forum to spew this crap. *
> 
> ...


Hope your billards games go as well as your enlightening us.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I've said it before in a number of your threads, but it bears repeating, I think. A lot of your "healing" seems more like rug-sweeping, where you both just try to forget what's happened in the past. But that doesn't deal with the problem.

C


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

blueskies30 said:


> My husband new about EA and I tried to tell him more, but he did not want to know.... I also did talk to him about "why" it happened.
> 
> If my husbands actions were not cheating because we were seperated and going through divorce than maybe mine were not either. It was ONS while we were seperated and I imediatly stopped the EA....even though we were sepaerated and going through divorce I stopped contacting and stopped all communication, just cut OM off completly and about 5 days later told him I diddn't want him


Standard. Rewrite it anyway that suits you. 

I've already had enough lies and gaslighting to last a lifetime. 

<<<< user blocked, added to ignore list >>>>.


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

PBear said:


> I've said it before in a number of your threads, but it bears repeating, I think. A lot of your "healing" seems more like rug-sweeping, where you both just try to forget what's happened in the past. But that doesn't deal with the problem.
> 
> C


It seems like in this state everyone believes in rug sweeping. His family says the past is the past. Our marriage counselor says not to focus on the infedility let the past be the past and live in the present. My Counselor says the same thing. Says him knowing everything won't help and that I will never know everything he did and it won't help me. 

I've been transparant with my husband. I'm not sure if he actually stored the passwords for my FB and our shared email account, but I just changed both passwords and asked for his help in choosing a password for each. He will sure probably remmeber password to our email because he thought of it. 

I do wish my husband was more transparent with me. He has a private email which I do not have any idea what the password is. He closed his FB, but left it where if he signs in, it gets reacctivated. I sometimes wish he would reactivate his account even though I have a fear of OW. I want him to see what i post on FB


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## Aristotle (Apr 4, 2012)

Your husband seems immature and you seem to like pushing his buttons.


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

Aristotle said:


> Your husband seems immature and you seem to like pushing his buttons.


My husband is immature and I don't mean to push his buttons. I never knew he didn't want me to talk about renting a house. Before he left he was talking about renting a house and cnstantly looking at houses online. 

Today he was asking me about things from yesterday and I told him, but then he turned it around into him arguing again, but telling me I ruined his day with my BS. 

I told him that I still loved him even though I don't want to communicate with him anymore.

I don't think he really thought i was serious because he continued until I said it again. I think at that point he may have called his dad becasue I heard the phone ring and a few minutes later he text that he loves me, but he does not want me talking about renting a house cause he has too much other things to worry about


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

I'm just tired of his verbal abuse through text. He sends me these long 100 word text about how I there is nothing stopping me from spending $ and hiring an Atty and about not letting the door hit me on the ass. So I think everytime I get verbal abuse like that I'm just going to tell him that I'm not commucating with him anymore


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Oh, blue, no one's believing that...not him and not even us.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Pit got banned? wth?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Tell him you're filing for divorce.

Geebus.

He doesn't respect you. He makes you feel like dirt. He doesn't want you around...Why are you even messin with him?


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

that_girl said:


> Tell him you're filing for divorce.
> 
> Geebus.
> 
> He doesn't respect you. He makes you feel like dirt. He doesn't want you around...Why are you even messin with him?


I don't want to tell him anything I can't back up....but I do feel like I'm suddently not in love with him since his words to me last night and today. After I told him a second time that "I still love him even though I say he should take time away from communicating with me"

The land line phone rang right after text was delivered. I'm thinking he called his dad. Then a few minutes later he text "I still love u, but I'm tired of communicating aboutt he same things" and he also text "I just don't want u to say when do I think we will be all down her in *****...I have enough crap to worry about"

I honestly just don't feel like communicating with him for at least a few days. I don't feel the in love feeling I did with him and I don't know how he is going to be able to make me feel it when he is so far away. Hes done huge damage with his unloving phone calls and huge abusive texts.....

I just want some space now to heal


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

Mam between your husband cheating and you cheating and the switchback. Things seems like you both need to sit down and tell each other everything. You can't really trust him if he has cheated and he can't trust you b/c you cheated. I am sorry but at this point in going over everything, I think a divorce would be prudent. Then once you cut all ties you can try again and start over. But there is no trust at all between you two. Good luck but it is hard to tell if you're even telling the truth now. This is the last thing I am going to say. I hope I don't get banned. jeez.


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

badbane said:


> Mam between your husband cheating and you cheating and the switchback. Things seems like you both need to sit down and tell each other everything. You can't really trust him if he has cheated and he can't trust you b/c you cheated. I am sorry but at this point in going over everything, I think a divorce would be prudent. Then once you cut all ties you can try again and start over. But there is no trust at all between you two. Good luck but it is hard to tell if you're even telling the truth now. This is the last thing I am going to say. I hope I don't get banned. jeez.


We have already been down the divorce road. Things were good before he left to go to work. Now this is a seperation becasue of employment needs


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

blueskies30 said:


> We have already been down the divorce road. Things were good before he left to go to work. Now this is a seperation becasue of employment needs


And you are not dealing with it very well. As I tried to say above, either be nice to the man or let him go.


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

lamaga said:


> And you are not dealing with it very well. As I tried to say above, either be nice to the man or let him go.


We had a lot of communication today. He mis understood my texts about things early in the afternoon yesterday. He put emotions on them that were wrong. He also never communicated with me what he could not handle. Right before he left he was talking about renting that house. He did send me a couple texts about how far the drive would be on that house and I guess those were supposed to mean that he did not want to rent the house.

I'm really not a mind reader and I can't know what hes thinking if he didn't tell me. I also was picking up on him avoiding calling me and instead texting me. He said he just was getting focused on working out there. He says its very hard for him and he misses me so much. Its hard for him to be away from me and not here for me when I have my surgery in a couple weeks. He hates that I'm sick while hes there missing me. I'm sick becasue I can not eat normally because of my teeth that happened right before he left. So I have no energy and I don't have any weight to lose. 

Hes also missing our daughter that we didn't think we would have (2 miscariages before her) 4th birthday and it looks like we will be apart for our 9th anniversary coming up in early August.

I'm sad about missing our anniversary cause I really wanted to make this one better than the last which was right before my EA. When I mentioned about how our last anniversary sucked so much, My husband started talking about how he took work off early that day and my mom was watching the kids and told us to hurry home. Also how 2 wks later he was kicked out of the house and shut out of his kids lives.

THANK YOU for your perspective on this...makes me be able to understand what my husband is going through.


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

lamaga said:


> And you are not dealing with it very well. As I tried to say above, either be nice to the man or let him go.


Your right I'm not dealing with it well. I've just relized I think I'm starting to get very home sick missing being in my own home. Which just makes it worse. All the times he traveled before (9 1/2 months & 4 months) I had a house to take care of, yard to keep up, kids to take care of without inlaws and a home business to do. I was busy and now I'm not busy.....Or I wouldn't be on here all the time


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## justwhy (Dec 7, 2011)

i 'm try to understand what is the long term goal.. How long will he stay at a extended stay before renting something? When are you & the kids moving there?

but my personal opinion is he unsure on what he wants and him telling you he loves you is good for your emotions, because I don't see what you get from the relationship.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

keko said:


> Pit got banned? wth?


It will give him more time to get ready for the billards tourney.


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