# How can I keep from cheating?



## Mr Pink (Sep 26, 2012)

So long story short, me and the wife are in a dry spell and we are working through it. However I have noticed that when me and her arent vibing, all sexual activity stops. She doesnt need it like I do so its easy for her. Rather than dive into the source of our problems, I want to know from the men who have had long periods of no sex. Its getting to the point to where self release is no longer working and I walk around with crazy thoughts, an erection, and thoughts of other girls all the time. Short of actually cheating, what are men doing to help themselves NOT cheat during times of dryspells?


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Go to work, come home, watch TV, go to bed

REPEAT


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

...cut it off?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Do you really not have any self control? Cheating isn't something that happens out of your control. It's a DECISION.


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## Mr Pink (Sep 26, 2012)

I have self control, but it really is a struggle. Im just trying to be realistic and not sure I could go years with no action. So Im asking what are other ways guys help cope with a lack of sex


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> Do you really not have any self control? Cheating isn't something that happens out of your control. It's a DECISION.


:iagree:








_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Well, if it's really years, I wouldn't be sticking around. What does your wife say about this? Have you told her you're thinking about cheating?


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Mr Pink said:


> I have self control, but it really is a struggle. Im just trying to be realistic and not sure I could go years with no action. So Im asking what are other ways guys help cope with a lack of sex


Uhh...Divorce?


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

Well for one, there is porn and a left/right hand. All joking aside maybe you should express your feelings to her. It might just be the 2x4 she needs. If it is not remedied, then it might be time for a divorce.

Just please do not lower yourself to be a cheater.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I don't stay faithful because my wife "deserves" it. From her actions she has earned immediate abandonment several times over. I made a promise and if I broke it I would be less of a man than I expect of myself. Any future promise I made wouldn't have much weight. Maybe I can't have sex every day but I can have integrity every day. The great thing about folks who operate from values is that whether times or good or bad, easy or hard, they can be counted on to do the "right" thing. When the end of life draws near, I doubt many folks regret not having an affair. On the other hand, whether your marriage succeeds or fails, through death or divorce, it'll end someday. You can be the guy who leaves your wife at the courthouse or at the cemetery, knowing you were 100% true or you can leave both places carrying a mess of guilt. I don't cheat on my wife for the same reason I don't steal, lie, take bribes, cook meth, or torture puppies.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> I don't stay faithful because my wife "deserves" it. From her actions she has earned immediate abandonment several times over. I made a promise and if I broke it I would be less of a man than I expect of myself. Any future promise I made wouldn't have much weight. Maybe I can't have sex every day but I can have integrity every day. The great thing about folks who operate from values is that whether times or good or bad, easy or hard, they can be counted on to do the "right" thing. When the end of life draws near, I doubt many folks regret not having an affair. On the other hand, whether your marriage succeeds or fails, through death or divorce, it'll end someday. You can be the guy who leaves your wife at the courthouse or at the cemetery, knowing you were 100% true or you can leave both places carrying a mess of guilt. I don't cheat on my wife for the same reason I don't steal, lie, take bribes, cook meth, or torture puppies.


I wish we had a 'love' button. This is an awesome post, and an attitude I sure wish my hubby had had. He can never ever be a guy that didn't cheat on his wife, ever again.


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## Mr Pink (Sep 26, 2012)

Yea I guess this post is more in frustration, because I do want to be that guy that is 100% faithful and never cheats, but it is jsut getting harder and harder every single day, and I am afraid of the breaking point. I guess a better question is, at what point is the lack of sex and that alone a divorcable item? Me and her are great friends (maybe that is all we are), and we never argue, we literally are great in all areas except sex, but if that is the case we can just be friends and have that same relationship. At what time marker should I seriously consider it to a thing to divorce over?


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Mr Pink said:


> Yea I guess this post is more in frustration, because I do want to be that guy that is 100% faithful and never cheats, but it is jsut getting harder and harder every single day, and I am afraid of the breaking point. I guess a better question is, at what point is the lack of sex and that alone a divorcable item? Me and her are great friends (maybe that is all we are), and we never argue, we literally are great in all areas except sex, but if that is the case we can just be friends and have that same relationship. At what time marker should I seriously consider it to a thing to divorce over?


Lack of sex in my opinion is not Divorcable if there a valid reasons for it.

However...if a spouse mentions that sex is an issue (mine is sexless) in the marriage and a wife agrees its and issue and needs resolved and seemingly refuses to address said issue in a reasonable time frame and refuses any outside help.....and does not provide regular updates on her progress and does not accept any blame.

Then I will divorce HER over not being able to settle a disagreement in our marriage in reasonable time for being cruel. She is holding a grudge.

That is a grounds for divorce IMO and I'm prepared to do just that.... only so much time left. She's been forewarned.


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

Mr Pink said:


> Yea I guess this post is more in frustration, because I do want to be that guy that is 100% faithful and never cheats, but it is jsut getting harder and harder every single day, and I am afraid of the breaking point. I guess a better question is, at what point is the lack of sex and that alone a divorcable item? Me and her are great friends (maybe that is all we are), and we never argue, we literally are great in all areas except sex, but if that is the case we can just be friends and have that same relationship. At what time marker should I seriously consider it to a thing to divorce over?


That is completely up to you. And her. If she cannot make the change after you have been truthful and had open communication, then you have decide where to draw the line. I wish I had a better answer for you.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Yeah, you don't just divorce because you're getting no sex. You divorce because you have tried every single thing you can think of to work it out and still aren't getting any.

If you're such great friends you should be able to talk about this. IME though, lack of sex is usually a symptom, not the problem.


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## smilinatu (Jan 9, 2012)

Is it my imagination, or has Mr. Pink gotten no warmth or sympathy, and very little real advice? Lectures, sarcasm, yes; helpful advice no. He's in a position none of us would want to be in, and seems to be looking for some advice to avoid temptation during a vulnerable time. Jeez....


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## Mr Pink (Sep 26, 2012)

smilinatu said:


> Is it my imagination, or has Mr. Pink gotten no warmth or sympathy, and very little real advice? Lectures, sarcasm, yes; helpful advice no. He's in a position none of us would want to be in, and seems to be looking for some advice to avoid temptation during a vulnerable time. Jeez....


Thanks, I posted on here hoping to hear other stories or ways to cope, not be branded a certain way but I know the word cheating has those labels. I really want to do the right thing I am just worri
ed a moment of weakness may happen...thats all


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

Without reading the first post or any replies, the answer to your question, "How do I keep from cheating?" is simple:

Don't.

You are a grown man, in full control of your choices. So...don't cheat.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mr Pink (Sep 26, 2012)

Grayson said:


> Without reading the first post or any replies, the answer to your question, "How do I keep from cheating?" is simple:
> 
> Don't.
> 
> ...


This is what im trying to do....not cheat. Im asking what makes it 'easier' to not cheat. Does anyone have an answers or are the rest of the posts going to be the same? If so I might as well delete the thread


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

OK, since it has to be spelled out: My advice is:
- Tell your wife what you are feeling. Everything. Do not leave anything out.
- tell her this is a dealbreaker for you and you don't know how much longer you can go on with no sex
- seek MC and/or IC for the both of you
- do everything you can think of to work on your marriage. Read, do workbooks, join online groups, everything. 
- tell your wife if she can't or won't work with you, you're headed for divorce
- you need to figure out WHY she won't have sex with you, and you can't do that on your own. She has to want to too. If she doesn't want to then lack of sex is obviously not the real problem


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Mr Pink said:


> Im asking what makes it 'easier' to not cheat.


Make the decision to not cheat, rather than the decision to cheat. It isn't something that's out of your control. You're not an animal.


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## Mr Pink (Sep 26, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> OK, since it has to be spelled out: My advice is:
> - Tell your wife what you are feeling. Everything.  Do not leave anything out.
> - tell her this is a dealbreaker for you and you don't know how much longer you can go on with no sex
> - seek MC and/or IC for the both of you
> ...


Im sure there are other problems wrapped up in it, but its difficult because we dont fight and ahve a great relationship outside of intimacy. I dont think we are at the point yet where she will tell me the real deal or maybe she doesnt even know, but she is open to seeing a therapist. Ive done a ton of things, like read 5 love languages, MMSLP, and other books. Weve talked about it to death and she just gives me teh same answers...so not sure how much more talking can do. I also feel that its like asking for sex kind of, so the more i talk about it the more fragile and illusive it will be.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Have you told her that you are either headed for divorce or cheating?

You have 4 choices here
- do nothing (this seems like what your wife is doing)
- cheat
- divorce
- work on things

Spell that out to her.


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## Mr Pink (Sep 26, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> Have you told her that you are either headed for divorce or cheating?
> 
> You have 4 choices here
> - do nothing (this seems like what your wife is doing)
> ...


Maybe I need a womans point of view to tell me if this is BS or not. So she says she is working on things, but she is working on things by 'finding herself'. Apparently she hasnt felt sexy for years because she said she lost sight of who she was, and hasnt felt pretty or sexy for years. I htink its her depression talking, so she said that she may feel romantic again for me if she learns to love herself again. of course there is no timeline for that, so Im not sure if that is BS or if I really should wait for her to soul search and discover herself and then that magically will lead to her wanting sex with me again...


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Mr Pink said:


> Maybe I need a womans point of view to tell me if this is BS or not. So she says she is working on things, but she is working on things by 'finding herself'. Apparently she hasnt felt sexy for years because she said she lost sight of who she was, and hasnt felt pretty or sexy for years. I htink its her depression talking, so she said that she may feel romantic again for me if she learns to love herself again. of course there is no timeline for that, so Im not sure if that is BS or if I really should wait for her to soul search and discover herself and then that magically will lead to her wanting sex with me again...


I call BS.


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## Mr Pink (Sep 26, 2012)

perfect


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## smilinatu (Jan 9, 2012)

Remind me not to come here for help. Even the reasonable answer given by Hope1964 (See # 20, above) is preceded by a sarcastic "OK, since it has to be spelled out: My advice is: ...."


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

I'm afraid that your wife is being selfish. Geesh, if she loves you she would see to your needs! It's not like you are asking anything other than what is normal in a marriage. 
Tell her 'look honey, I love you, but I can't be a monk, and I can't do celibacy any longer, if you won't sleep with me then we need to discuss either having an open marriage, or separating with you coming back to me if and when you want to resume normal relations with me'. Make a time line. 
That is honest and to the point. You should NOT have to live celibate. She needs to realize that being a partner means sometimes doing things we may prefer not to for the sake of our spouse's happiness and well-being.


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## aribabe (Aug 9, 2012)

I'm kinda going against the grain with this post... but what the heck, here it goes....

Mr.pink, i can totally understand why a man would cheat on a frigid/non-sexual wife. Men like sex (women do too, but all that testosterone you guys have make's you all more gung ho about it). There is a saying here that cheating is "all the cheater's fault", with the the cheated on apparently never having any blame for creating a situation that is ripe for cheating. It make's me think of a situation where a woman starves a man then acts absolutely devastated when he asks another woman for food. You can't on one hand refuse to feed someone AND on the other hand also decide that they're not allowed to be fed anywhere else. That's asinine to me :scratchhead:

With that said....

If my husband were contemplating having an affair because i was refusing sex regularly. I would want him to tell me that exactly.

A conversation like this:

"Baby, i love you and i love being intimate with you. For some reason, you have decided that you no longer to desire to be intimate with me. I would love to know why so that we can work on that together and get back to a relationship that is intimate and beautiful. If we can't work on it, or you refuse to work with me, i will end up having an affair. I can't continue being denied by the woman i love. It hurts me, kills my self esteem and makes me fell unattractive. I would love for you to be the woman to show me that i am attractive and sexy, but if you refuse to, I am going to have to find a woman that will."

Pus*y footing around the issue won't help. Tell her that she's risking her husband's fidelity. And if she doesn't care enough to work with you to fix the issue, then you have your answer...

with all of THAT said...

You need to make sure you're doing your part as well to turn her on emotionally and sexually. If you're asking her for "too much" sex, sex acts that she does not enjoy, stop doing that. It's wrong. Also, check your ego. Are you approachable, is she free to open up to you about her feelings. If she told you that you were an unsatisfying lover, could you handle that? If she said you smelled, couldn't kiss, bad at oral etc, could you handle that? Also, recognize that the best way to get into a woman (any woman's) panties is to get into her head/heart. Does your wife feel safe with you? Is she feeling resentful or angry with you? Does she feel loved by you? Think about that...

I'm not a man so i can't really say how not to cheat, there is always masturbation but it really isn't even close to the feeling you get having sex with someone you are attracted to, and that is attracted to you. 

I do hope you two are able to get your issues solved without any infidelity involved. Best of luck


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

smilinatu said:


> Remind me not to come here for help. Even the reasonable answer given by Hope1964 (See # 20, above) is preceded by a sarcastic "OK, since it has to be spelled out: My advice is: ...."


I am sorry what I am posting is making you mad. I already had all that advice in previous posts.


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## smilinatu (Jan 9, 2012)

Hope,

I'm not mad at all. I was a little surprised at the responses, but not angry. You may have given that advice in posts on other threads, but if you gave them to this OP in this thread than I must have overlooked them. If I did, I’m sorry, but I don’t think I did. Your very first post to the OP in this thread was

"Do you really not have any self control? Cheating isn't something that happens out of your control. It's a DECISION."

Four other people “liked” that post. Hardly a warm reception to someone reaching out for help. Later you wrote:

"Make the decision to not cheat, rather than the decision to cheat. It isn't something that's out of your control. You're not an animal."

My original comment was not aimed at you personally, so please don’t take it personally. Indeed, I even called one of your responses “reasonable,” except for the sarcastic introduction. I just think he received, by and large, pretty harsh responses here. This is not a question, so please don’t answer it as one, but I can’t help but wonder whether the OP hit a nerve with you and some of the other’s who offered harsh responses?


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

Mr Pink said:


> This is what im trying to do....not cheat. Im asking what makes it 'easier' to not cheat. Does anyone have an answers or are the rest of the posts going to be the same? If so I might as well delete the thread


There's really no secret to it...no "easier." You make the decision to keep it in your pants. The end.

If the issues and problems in your marriage reach the point that you feel you have "no choice" but to cheat (when you really DO have that choice), and no amount of working on the marriage has helped you...end the marriage before moving on. Thus, you're not cheating at that point.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

smilinatu, I will answer you anyway. Of course he hit a nerve. 

I did post the same points in other posts in this thread, but that's OK, I should have been more concise.

And yeah, not a warm reception at all. Actually, pretty tame compared to the reception some unremorseful waywards get on here  (not that he is a wayward, YET)

Mr.Pink I hope you're still around. And I really hope you don't cheat, even if you think your wife is just stringing you a line, which to me it sounds like she is. Of course we only have your side of the story to go by, I have no doubt if your wife posted things from her perspective we'd all be chiming in and telling her how horrible a husband you are and how she has every right to 'go find herself' and all that.

The bottom line for you should be what you will put up with, from both her and yourself. You say you don't want to be a cheater. Well, then, DON'T be. It really is as simple as that. If you really and truly think you might cheat, then it's because you're not being honest with yourself about your reasons.


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## Mr Pink (Sep 26, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> smilinatu, I will answer you anyway. Of course he hit a nerve.
> 
> I did post the same points in other posts in this thread, but that's OK, I should have been more concise.
> 
> ...



Im not sure why I hit a nerve. I didnt cheat. I havent cheated. I posted because I want to know what others do to make it easier to NOT cheat. Yes I know the obvious answers are to 'keep it in my pants' or 'just decide not to cheat'. I know all that already, im asking how to make this EASIER. How does that hit a nerve? Im trying to do the right thing here and NOT cheat.


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## Mr Pink (Sep 26, 2012)

I was expecting answers that work for other men, like more porn, less porn, more baseball, less drinking, etc. I just wanted to know what other men do in these situations to not cheat, didnt expect to get roasted and judged for trying to do the right thing.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

It hit a nerve because you sounded like you weren't going to be able to help yourself from cheating if things don't change, yet you didn't seem to be willing to do anything to change things. The exact 'excuse' many cheaters use. So for those of us who've been cheated on, it will hit a nerve.

You already said that masturbation was getting old. Kinda headed off any suggestions of more porn. Less porn might be an option.

Did any of my advice seem to make sense to you?


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## Mr Pink (Sep 26, 2012)

If I wasnt going to be able to help myself from cheating, i wouldnt throw that scenario up on a message board for some type of validation. I just wouldnt say anything at all. I do think some of the things you have said make sense, though at this point I think her seeing a therapist and figuring out her issues may be what helps this along...unless like you said, it is BS and she is not telling me the reason for withholding sex, which if thats the case just means im screwed...figuratively of course.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Mr Pink said:


> So long story short, me and the wife are in a dry spell and we are working through it. However I have noticed that when me and her arent vibing, all sexual activity stops. She doesnt need it like I do so its easy for her. Rather than dive into the source of our problems, I want to know from the men who have had long periods of no sex. Its getting to the point to where self release is no longer working and I walk around with crazy thoughts, an erection, and thoughts of other girls all the time. Short of actually cheating, what are men doing to help themselves NOT cheat during times of dryspells?


You just take yourself in hand. 

*And you show your wife how much you really love and appreciate her in whatever other ways you can*

Cheating on her would not do this, would it?

Mind you, our dry spells are caused by my wife's really poor health...


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## appletree (Oct 9, 2012)

I haven't read all the replies so far but I think you and your spouse have a problem because you say that you never fight. Either you really never fight than you have a problem because that is not realistic in real blood and bone couple or you want to tell that you don't fight in a destructive way then that is a good thing.
You might be withholding to your spouse. How can she be intimate with you when you aren't? That means that you must honestly discuss exactly the issue you described above with her, and this will start areally awful discussion - which is much needed. There is a lot written about communication skills it is very important that you stick to a good conversation style discussing such a delicate issue.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

If she really is trying to 'find herself' I would think she would welcome seeing a therapist. 

Are you going to, or have you, told her that this is to the point where you are thinking of divorce or cheating? A response of "I need to find myself" isn't an answer. You need to be explicit as to what is going to happen if she does nothing, continues to give excuses etc. Spell it out - "Honey, if you we can't start having sex again within the next 6 months I am filing for divorce" and/or "Honey, a healthy sex life is, to me, an integral part of a good marriage. If we cannot have a healthy sex life (meaning sex x number of times a month/week or more) then I am going to go find someone with whom I CAN have a healthy sex life"


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## Mr Pink (Sep 26, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> If she really is trying to 'find herself' I would think she would welcome seeing a therapist.
> 
> Are you going to, or have you, told her that this is to the point where you are thinking of divorce or cheating? A response of "I need to find myself" isn't an answer. You need to be explicit as to what is going to happen if she does nothing, continues to give excuses etc. Spell it out - "Honey, if you we can't start having sex again within the next 6 months I am filing for divorce" and/or "Honey, a healthy sex life is, to me, an integral part of a good marriage. If we cannot have a healthy sex life (meaning sex x number of times a month/week or more) then I am going to go find someone with whom I CAN have a healthy sex life"


Its strange, we have had these types of discussions. I think the last time we spoke of it I said 'honey im a young and healthy male, I know that I cant have a sexless marriage and quite frankly neither should you. We both deserve to have that someone who we can be intimate with and if we arent that for each other we need to reevaluate this marriage'. I didnt want to make it sound like I was pressuring her, but also looked at it from both our points of view, meaning that we BOTH deserve that special someone. Her general response is what perplexes me. She says something to the effect of 'well I think we both need to enjoy life individuallly and as a couple again. I think we have lost our way (things have been blah but didnt know they were that bad), and if somewhere along the way you find someone else then while I will feel devastated I will understand, just come to me and we can discuss it if/when it happens'. So when i mentioned the fact that this leaves the window open for someone else to come into the picture in the future, she merely agreed that she would be upset, but she would understand...I was kind of shocked that she took that approach. Its almost like she doesnt beleive I would actually find someone else or at this point she doesnt care since she is out 'finding herself'...Im confused as to her answer, you would think she would try her best to keep me while she was on her soul searching mission


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Or she already has someone else. Have you considered that?


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## Mr Pink (Sep 26, 2012)

I have. I am 99.9% sure that she has not. Ive been paying attention for quite some time now and I dont think that is the case, but I guess you never really know do you.


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

smilinatu said:


> Hope,
> 
> I'm not mad at all. I was a little surprised at the responses, but not angry. You may have given that advice in posts on other threads, but if you gave them to this OP in this thread than I must have overlooked them. If I did, I’m sorry, but I don’t think I did. Your very first post to the OP in this thread was
> 
> ...


It may sound harsh to you, but I'd say that's due to the nature of the only valid response to the question. If I asked you, "How do I keep from jumping off a cliff?" I'd expect your answer to be, "Don't jump off a cliff." That's really the only answer. Cheating is a voluntary reaction, not an involuntary response. Same with jumping off a cliff. There are no variables in existence that can change that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Grey Goose (Aug 23, 2012)

Talk to your wife and then decide what you can and can not handle. Make a decision that will not come back and bite you in the behind!


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## lonesomegra (Dec 11, 2011)

If your wife is 'finding herself' that is code for researching how to have a new life with or without you. If she is serious about this then you most likely will be sidelined.

I believe if you have sex with someone else now it is not cheating. She is the one who is cheating by denying you the entire principal of marriage - that man and woman come together to be one - that means one in thoughts, oneness of actions and one body through sex. 

Seek happiness (i.e. sex and oneness) and tell your 'wife' this is what you seek since just because a piece of paper says you are married you actually are not currently 'in a marriage'. 

You do not keep from 'cheating'.


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## appletree (Oct 9, 2012)

I would think of that differently. First, what someon spontaneously tells in a conversation is often not what she really wants /means /thinks, I know that from me. Things need time to work. I would come back to the same conversation later, at a time when you have investigated yourself really and have new thoughts.
Second what she says can be simply a sign of altruism, that she can differenciate between love (she wishes you well) and attachment (she wishes that you are well but wants something in return). Maybe if you cheat she would be deeply hurt, maybe she would simply feel aleviated that she doesn't have to fill this need of you.
Is it realy clear for her that your suffering is HUGE? 
How long has this dry spell been? 
A husbands affair does not ruin a marriage, can do that , but not necessarily. It is more about the underlying causes why there was the affair in the first place.


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## Mr Pink (Sep 26, 2012)

We havent had sex for about 5 months. i know that isnt very long compared to some dry spells but its the longest we have gone in our 10 year relationship. Yea i get the feeling that she wants to be with me but 'understands' if i find someone else so she wouldnt stop me if I did. All very confusing


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

Mr Pink said:


> Im not sure why I hit a nerve. I didnt cheat. I havent cheated. I posted because I want to know what others do to make it easier to NOT cheat. Yes I know the obvious answers are to 'keep it in my pants' or 'just decide not to cheat'. I know all that already, im asking how to make this EASIER. How does that hit a nerve? Im trying to do the right thing here and NOT cheat.


You're talking about two different questions, though.

There's the original question that titled the thread: How can you keep from cheating. There's only one answer: don't. There's no "easier" about it. There's no magic wand. You make a decision and stick to it.

Then there's the larger question: How do you and your wife address the issues in your marriage that are leaving you sexually frustrated. That one has a plethora of answers, and ultimately leads to the question of whether you're content to stay in the marriage or at a tipping point where the relationship isn't working for you any longer and you need to let it end. That may influence whether or not you consider changing your decision not to cheat, but it doesn't make that decision for you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

I don't know how she can be so self-centered! You are a saint to put up with this.


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## Mr Pink (Sep 26, 2012)

indiecat said:


> I don't know how she can be so self-centered! You are a saint to put up with this.


Well according to the MMSL, the reason Im not getting laid like tile is because I am a saint about this...haha


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## smilinatu (Jan 9, 2012)

Grayson said:


> It may sound harsh to you, but I'd say that's due to the nature of the only valid response to the question. If I asked you, "How do I keep from jumping off a cliff?" I'd expect your answer to be, "Don't jump off a cliff." That's really the only answer. Cheating is a voluntary reaction, not an involuntary response. Same with jumping off a cliff. There are no variables in existence that can change that.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Grayson, I don't think that's the only answer. That's the Nancy Reagan "just say no" response. An answer like that sounds very simple and obvious, but that is both its appeal and its failure. I have no training in psychology and have never worked with Samaritans or any other suicide prevention organizations, so it would be fair to call what I am about to say rank speculation. Nonetheless, I bet if you called Samaritans and told them you were standing on a ledge and about to jump off, they would tell you something other than "Don't jump off...." 

I agree that people have a great degree of self-determination. For some, the "just say no" approach might be all it would take, although people who could act on that advice alone probably never would have asked OP's question in the first place.

Aribibe (sorry for the misspelling) gave a good example of a response, (see #29, above), showing compassion and sympathy and still offering some very good advice as to how the OP can try to discuss this with his wife and hopefully avoid either cheating or divorce. 

If we are here to offer help when we can, and I assume everyone's good faith; then the tone of our message matters. The correct response to the OP is of no value if he can't even hear it, because it is harsh, sarcastic, simplistic, and judgmental. Any of you who may be counsellors or mediators or otherwise schooled in trying to give advice, please offer your thoughts. Sorry for preaching.


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

smilinatu said:


> Grayson, I don't think that's the only answer. That's the Nancy Reagan "just say no" response. An answer like that sounds very simple and obvious, but that is both its appeal and its failure. I have no training in psychology and have never worked with Samaritans or any other suicide prevention organizations, so it would be fair to call what I am about to say rank speculation. Nonetheless, I bet if you called Samaritans and told them you were standing on a ledge and about to jump off, they would tell you something other than "Don't jump off...."


That's not the same as my asking how to keep from jumping off that ledge, though. If I want to know *how* not to jump off the ledge, the answer is not to jump. What you're talking about is telling me *why* not to jump. These are two distinct questions and concepts.



> I agree that people have a great degree of self-determination. For some, the "just say no" approach might be all it would take, although people who could act on that advice alone probably never would have asked OP's question in the first place.


Again, you're confusing the "how" of the original question with the "why" of the larger question. All the why's, justifications and rationalizations in the world don't transform cheating into an involuntary action, a reflex. It's still a conscious decision to cross that boundary.



> If we are here to offer help when we can, and I assume everyone's good faith; then the tone of our message matters. The correct response to the OP is of no value if he can't even hear it, because it is harsh, sarcastic, simplistic, and judgmental. Any of you who may be counsellors or mediators or otherwise schooled in trying to give advice, please offer your thoughts. Sorry for preaching.


Again, the answer to the "how" *is* simple. Any harshness, sarcasm or judgment is read into it. So, let me borrow your example and illustrate again: If I were to ask *how* to not jump off a ledge, what would you tell me? Don't tell me *why* I _shouldn't_ jump...tell me *how*.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## smilinatu (Jan 9, 2012)

Grayson to family of suicide victim found at bottom of the cliff: 

"Well, he asked me _HOW_ not to jump, not _WHY_ he shouldn't. I answered the question he asked me."

Ah, textualism has many virtues. Unfortunately, solving problems isn't one of them.


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

smilinatu said:


> Grayson to family of suicide victim found at bottom of the cliff:
> 
> "Well, he asked me _HOW_ not to jump, not _WHY_ he shouldn't. I answered the question he asked me."
> 
> Ah, textualism has many virtues. Unfortunately, solving problems isn't one of them.


Likewise, solving problems isn't a virtue of hyperbole.

I apologize if you were offended by people answering a simple question with its equally simple answer. If you find that "harsh" or "sarcastic," there's nothin I can do about that. But, harping on people for doing so is about as helpful as...well...about as helpful as you seem to think providing that factual answer was.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## appletree (Oct 9, 2012)

Man, that is the difficult thing. Either you put up with a sexless marriage or you are resolving your primary problem why she doesn't want to have sex with you - that is a relationship question.
Did anything extraordinary happen around that date when you didn't have sex with her anymore? Job loss, death of a close person, fiancial, you put on weight....
You obviously don't want to cheat but that is a hardship you must bear with grace otherwise that frustration kills your marriage, maybe more than any cheating could do. You can try mindful meditation or analytical meditation. This is often cheaply offered by buddhist centers and in many cases non-religious.


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## smilinatu (Jan 9, 2012)

Grayson said:


> Likewise, solving problems isn't a virtue of hyperbole.
> 
> I apologize if you were offended by people answering a simple question with its equally simple answer. If you find that "harsh" or "sarcastic," there's nothin I can do about that. But, harping on people for doing so is about as helpful as...well...about as helpful as you seem to think providing that factual answer was.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Fair enough.


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## foozlemonster (Mar 9, 2011)

Well now that I have waded through four pages of how to/not to respond to the OP. first off sir, after 5 months, I would be far past asking how not to cheat, so I commend you on your patience. Also, if my wife responded to me in a way that made me feel as if she didn't care if I was there, I would have probably have left, so again, good job. I kind of go through the same situation, but I usually get it at least once a month. I would say the best way I stop myself from cheating is reminding myself how badly my family would be hurt if I got caught. How would it shape my children's future? Can I stand the sight of watching my wife fall apart? I also cheated in previous relationships and found no satisfaction in it, so that helps me as well. The biggest thing is weighing the reprecations of the act. You do that everyday when you do, or don't, follow laws. Also, find a good accountability partner. Somebody you can text/call on a bad day. Hormones get out of control. Maybe I don't have as much said "self control" as others, or maybe they don't have the testosterone that I do. I don't know. sometimes though, I just need someone to remind me of how I feel about cheating when my balls get bigger than my brain. Obviously, the sexless marriage needs to be addressed, but in the mean time... Good luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

MrPink, have you given your wife an ultimatum? Sounds to me like that's what is needed. Lay out the timeline and tell her exactly what will happen if it isn't met, for whatever you decide needs to be done. Like in the two things I posted earlier - six months or we divorce, whatever. It could be that you need her to come to MC, read something and work on it with you, 'Take one for the team', whatever you need. But it's only fair to both of you to spell it out in black and white. Circle the date on the calendar to show her you mean business. Then FOLLOW THROUGH.


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## relate (Sep 8, 2012)

I'm going to have to side with Hope's posts in this thread. You need to do your homework, read some books, go to counselling etc on how to fix this problem. Let her know in no uncertain terms that it IS a serious problem and you're not going to continue in a marriage as things stand right now. I would make a serious effort for a year to fix this problem, and once all efforts were made, if it doesn't work, file for divorce. There's a lot of people here for whom it took an ultimatum to their spouse before things turned around. Some people just tunnel themselves into a routine and once they're on the inside of their routine they lose the capability to perceive that there's a problem, and require a wake up call.


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## SprucHub (Jan 13, 2012)

Mr Pink said:


> Yea I guess this post is more in frustration, because I do want to be that guy that is 100% faithful and never cheats, but it is jsut getting harder and harder every single day, and I am afraid of the breaking point. I guess a better question is, at what point is the lack of sex and that alone a divorcable item? Me and her are great friends (maybe that is all we are), and we never argue, we literally are great in all areas except sex, but if that is the case we can just be friends and have that same relationship. At what time marker should I seriously consider it to a thing to divorce over?


Lack of sex is absolutely a divorcable item. In fact, in NY, it is actually cause for divorce - written into the law - your spouse is at fault.

I was in your situation and do not buy the sanctimonious crap. If you are such great friends, you need to have an honest talk about how sex is important to you and why. Sex with your spouse is not just a hole to put your thing in, you, like many men and women, likely crave the intimacy, the acceptance and self-worth that another person wanting you and being with another person provides. You are likely emotionally drained from a lack of physical intimacy. 

Understand yourself and what you are looking for. Then, talk to her. Tell her what you are going through and that a sexless marriage, for you, is a friendship - not a marriage. Tell her that it is not an ultimatum, but if she treats your sex life like its none of her business then you'll make it none of her business (whether that means cheating or divorcing). Unlike many on this board, I think that if your spouse abandons your sex life without good cause and after you've told her that it is not ok, then he/she has waived the right to expect fidelity. I.e., when someone breaks a promise or contract, it is not the other person's obligation to keep the promise. Of course, if it comes to that there is no reason to lie to her about it - you can say you will start seeing other people - but no need to go into detail. This way she has the option of divorcing if those circumstances are unacceptible.


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## SprucHub (Jan 13, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> MrPink, have you given your wife an ultimatum? Sounds to me like that's what is needed. Lay out the timeline and tell her exactly what will happen if it isn't met, for whatever you decide needs to be done. Like in the two things I posted earlier - six months or we divorce, whatever. It could be that you need her to come to MC, read something and work on it with you, 'Take one for the team', whatever you need. But it's only fair to both of you to spell it out in black and white. Circle the date on the calendar to show her you mean business. Then FOLLOW THROUGH.


I've been back and forth with Hope before on this; I think it is very important to understand yourself and what you are thinking. But, disagree that it is your responsibility to give her an ultimatum. She is treating you like s**t and knows it or should know. After you communicate the problem to her so that she absolutely knows it, it is not your responsibility to give her an ultimatum. I think when someone knowiingly treats you like s**t for a long time, you owe them nothing at all. Not the dignity of a legal separation: nothing. E.g., if your boss was knowingly abusive, you could look for a new job without telling him. Then, when you found a new job, you could take it without giving notice. Or, do a sh*tty job for the abusive boss. Sometimes, like quitting a job, divorce is simply not an option.

This concept of being nice to a *ssh*le who is consciously mistreating you exceeds my understanding. That said, I like others feel it is a matter of personal dignity to be honest. I just would not fault anyone for being dishonest to an ahole.


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## MarriedTex (Sep 24, 2010)

Mr Pink said:


> Im sure there are other problems wrapped up in it, but its difficult because we dont fight and ahve a great relationship outside of intimacy. I dont think we are at the point yet where she will tell me the real deal ....


If this is truly the case, then the relationship is not all peaches and cream as you describe. She may have hidden resentments that she's not telling you about either. But all is happy and nice on the surface because neither of you are conveying your true needs. Rather, you stumble along with an uneasy truce.

Communicate or get out. Either one is fine. Don't cheat. That's not so fine.


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## relate (Sep 8, 2012)

Besides, if you do cheat you're going to learn a hard lesson in pain. About 98% of affairs end. And of those 98%, ALL of them end badly. You might think you're going to score some hot new sex. Which you will, for a while. What comes after won't be worth it. Not by a long shot, and you're going to end up another member of the "that totally wasn't worth it" club of regrets.


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## Mr Pink (Sep 26, 2012)

relate said:


> Besides, if you do cheat you're going to learn a hard lesson in pain. About 98% of affairs end. And of those 98%, ALL of them end badly. You might think you're going to score some hot new sex. Which you will, for a while. What comes after won't be worth it. Not by a long shot, and you're going to end up another member of the "that totally wasn't worth it" club of regrets.


You are right, I dont think it will be worth it. She did say something a while back that Im not sure is worth another thread but figure Ill throw it in here. So we are in this weird seperation mode where we are both supposed to be working on ourselves. Remember how I said that she told me 'if you find someone else during this time period lets just have a conversation about it and go from there', which totally confuses me. Is this a trap? Does she really want me to find someone else? Or is she just being hopeful and trying the whole 'if i love something let it go thing'? 


How many wives have said to their husbands that its ok to go find it outside of marriage but really its a trap or not their true intention? Not sure why she would say that if she didnt really want me to, but who knows


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Hope, 
As recently a year ago I would have something similar to what you did below. 

Instead now I ask, why doesn't she want sex with him? 

Ms. Pink
Her text about the bar tender reflects a genuine sexual desire for men and a craving for excitement. 

Her direct statements to him about going outside the marriage were an intense test of his boundaries and his communication skills. 

She was using reciprocity when she said 'he could have affairs'. Meaning that because he can she can as well. 

Mr. Pink 
Says they never fight. I believe she wants/needs some amount of dopamine generated conflict. And I am guessing he is super even keeled. While she initially loved the stability, she is now doing everything possible to destabilize/create excitement.


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## SprucHub (Jan 13, 2012)

Mr Pink said:


> You are right, I dont think it will be worth it. She did say something a while back that Im not sure is worth another thread but figure Ill throw it in here. So we are in this weird seperation mode where we are both supposed to be working on ourselves. Remember how I said that she told me 'if you find someone else during this time period lets just have a conversation about it and go from there', which totally confuses me. Is this a trap? Does she really want me to find someone else? Or is she just being hopeful and trying the whole 'if i love something let it go thing'?
> 
> 
> How many wives have said to their husbands that its ok to go find it outside of marriage but really its a trap or not their true intention? Not sure why she would say that if she didnt really want me to, but who knows


It is either a trap or your marriage is already over. Some people may be open to an open relationship, but that not what she is describing.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Mr Pink said:


> How many wives have said to their husbands that its ok to go find it outside of marriage but really its a trap or not their true intention? Not sure why she would say that if she didnt really want me to, but who knows


Wives who are cheating say this a lot. Other than that, wives whose husbands have beaten them down with repeated demands to bring another woman into the marriage would say that. And some would say it because they want their husbands to say they would never do such a thing. I have no idea why your wife would say it


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## relate (Sep 8, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> Wives who are cheating say this a lot. Other than that, wives whose husbands have beaten them down with repeated demands to bring another woman into the marriage would say that. And some would say it because they want their husbands to say they would never do such a thing. I have no idea why your wife would say it


agreed, it could be either her looking for reassurance or looking for an out. Tough to say, but it is an unusual thing to say for someone looking to repair the marriage IMO.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Mr Pink said:


> I have self control, but it really is a struggle. Im just trying to be realistic and not sure I could go years with no action. So Im asking what are other ways guys help cope with a lack of sex


Serious answer. This is grounds for divorce. Your needs are not being met over a prolonged period of time.

Read His Needs Her Needs. 

I actually consider not meeting ech other needs over a long period of time to be unfaithful.

DO NOT CHEAT. Divorce.

BUT, I think you should try and work this out first.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Mr Pink said:


> Yea I guess this post is more in frustration, because I do want to be that guy that is 100% faithful and never cheats, but it is jsut getting harder and harder every single day, and I am afraid of the breaking point. I guess a better question is, at what point is the lack of sex and that alone a divorcable item? Me and her are great friends (maybe that is all we are), and we never argue, we literally are great in all areas except sex, but if that is the case we can just be friends and have that same relationship. At what time marker should I seriously consider it to a thing to divorce over?


When you start posting on the internet talking about cheating. Fix it or leave it.

I do not get the time thing. If you are not converging on this getting better then your time is up. Are you just hoping this will fix it self on its own or you just want to torture yourself until you lose all your self respect.

A sexless marriage is not a marriage IMO. Think how bad you will feel if she is the one to cheat first.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Mr Pink said:


> I was expecting answers that work for other men, like more porn, less porn, more baseball, less drinking, etc. I just wanted to know what other men do in these situations to not cheat, didnt expect to get roasted and judged for trying to do the right thing.


Actually drinking a lot of beer lowers your T levels.

You mention cheating here you are going to get hit by a 2x4. Get real.

I think either you work it out with your wife or you divorce your friend and find a wife.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

appletree said:


> I haven't read all the replies so far but I think you and your spouse have a problem because you say that you never fight. *Either you really never fight than you have a problem *because that is not realistic in real blood and bone couple or you want to tell that you don't fight in a destructive way then that is a good thing.
> You might be withholding to your spouse. How can she be intimate with you when you aren't? That means that you must honestly discuss exactly the issue you described above with her, and this will start areally awful discussion - which is much needed. There is a lot written about communication skills it is very important that you stick to a good conversation style discussing such a delicate issue.


Conflict avoidance is not good. Getting along is wonderful.

How many men have we seen come here with a walk away wife say that they never fought.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Mr Pink said:


> Its strange, we have had these types of discussions. I think the last time we spoke of it I said 'honey im a young and healthy male, I know that I cant have a sexless marriage and quite frankly neither should you. We both deserve to have that someone who we can be intimate with and if we arent that for each other we need to reevaluate this marriage'. I didnt want to make it sound like I was pressuring her, but also looked at it from both our points of view, meaning that we BOTH deserve that special someone. Her general response is what perplexes me. She says something to the effect of 'well I think we both need to enjoy life individuallly and as a couple again. I think we have lost our way (things have been blah but didnt know they were that bad), and if somewhere along the way you find someone else then while I will feel devastated I will understand, just come to me and we can discuss it if/when it happens'. So when i mentioned the fact that this leaves the window open for someone else to come into the picture in the future, she merely agreed that she would be upset, but she would understand...I was kind of shocked that she took that approach. Its almost like she doesnt beleive I would actually find someone else or at this point she doesnt care since she is out 'finding herself'...Im confused as to her answer, you would think she would try her best to keep me while she was on her soul searching mission


This is give me some space to find myself. It is potentially a walkaway wife or she has someone in mind already.

Start investigating dude. Rule out another guy or guys.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

Mr Pink said:


> So long story short, me and the wife are in a dry spell and we are working through it. However I have noticed that when me and her arent vibing, all sexual activity stops. She doesnt need it like I do so its easy for her. Rather than dive into the source of our problems, I want to know from the men who have had long periods of no sex. Its getting to the point to where self release is no longer working and I walk around with crazy thoughts, an erection, and thoughts of other girls all the time. Short of actually cheating, what are men doing to help themselves NOT cheat during times of dryspells?


Been there. I'm a high drive person so those dry spells were very difficult. Thoughts of cheating danced in my head as well. I decided I wasn't going to let anyone or anything have that much power over me. I control me, not my hormones. I just threw myself into other pursuits that required strenuous activity. Don't go to the gym, that's the last thing you need. Go hiking, camping by yourself, running through the woods, whatever.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

Okay, read the rest of the thread. I'm always suspicious when someone needs to go "find" themselves. Smells like a third party in there somewhere.

Yeah, I think you have to just give it to her straight. That marriage does in fact involve sex. If her idea of marriage is that sex is optional, then it would be best for you two to part company on good terms. She can find herself and you can get some. Both of you find someone who you can be happy with.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

Easy answer -

Make it so you don't have time to cheat. Get a hobby, or 2 find something else to do to fill your time instead of constantly thinking about sex. Keep the brain busy, so it doesn't have time to wonder over to the "gutter" 

Talk you you wife about it.. I mean if you are that close to cheating then you should really tell her what is going through your head and if she doesn't get her **** together then you have your answer.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

sandc said:


> Okay, read the rest of the thread. I'm always suspicious when someone needs to go "find" themselves. Smells like a third party in there somewhere.
> 
> Yeah, I think you have to just give it to her straight. That marriage does in fact involve sex. If her idea of marriage is that sex is optional, then it would be best for you two to part company on good terms. She can find herself and you can get some. Both of you find someone who you can be happy with.


:iagree:


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

This is a fairly simple decision tree. It might not be "fun" to traverse but it is simple. 

Re-run the tapes of your prior interactions. She has told you either verbally, or non verbally what turns her on and off. 

Re-run the tapes of your non-sexual interactions for the past year. Is she disrespectful to you? I don't mean obvious stuff like losing her temper and cursing or saying hateful things. I mean the acid rain of:
- Chronically interrupting you or 
- Flat out talking over you or
- Steam rolling you whenever someone has to make a sacrifice in terms of what tv show, movie, restaurant or vacation destination you select or 
- LOSING her willingness to apologize when she is inconsiderate or thoughtless or outright unpleasant to you or
- Putting everyone else's needs ahead of yours or
- Treating you in a way she would not tolerate being treated or
- Not feeling any remorse at all when she hurts you

Ultimately all of this can be abstracted to a simple definition of love:
- Making an effort to please your partner by prioritizing the things you KNOW are important to them AND
- Making a comparable effort to avoid doing things that you KNOW cause your partner distress

While MC is great I find certain themes to be foolishly simplistic. The first theme of modern therapy is that your partner is not responsible for your happiness, you are. I 100 percent agree with that. And what it really means is that if I come home in a foul temper most days my spouse is NOT RESPONSIBLE for helping me dig out of it and feel better. A-fvckin-MEN to that. Could not agree more. 

That said - my spouse made some little itsy-bitsy things called VOWS. And the ORDER of those vows is not random. The first vow and IMO most important is to "love" me. The subsequent vow to forsake all others is related to the first. I won't say contingent, however they are related and anyone who thinks they are not a package is - more idealistic than the average bear. Perhaps the flip side of all this practicality is that I feel fully responsible for being lovable. Like the rings we wear, there is no clear demarcation as to where being lovable ends and being loved begins. Gotta luv circles. 

My BH isn't responsible for making me happy with me, nor obligated to pour endless emotional energy into me in the hope that I will behave in a lovable manner. Both of those are fully and wholly on me. If I am doing both well and she simply chooses not to value my love and commitment I have no need of a MC to tell me to take up a hobby whilst continuing to be taken for granted hoping that somehow she will come to her senses. 

That said, I have been fortunate and very well loved so far....


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

OP, are you focused on the sex, or sex with your wife? 

There is a difference. Sometimes I just need/want sexual release. Luckily my wife is fairly HD, so, she joins me. However, that alone does not fill her needs. If her hip is hurting (she had tendinitis) we may do oral or a handy.

She really enjoys it when I want/need her. There is a difference. Here, if her hip is hurting we just hold each other. I will wait a day or two for her hip to feel better and we can both enjoy each other. This makes her feel desired and beautiful, my wife needs that more than she needs sexual release.


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## Mr Pink (Sep 26, 2012)

Well as a young healthy male, obviously I am focused on sex....but in this situation I am focused on sex with my wife. Not just sex, but intimacy. She feels that are are great friends, best friends even. She claims that she wants to work on herself, and she hopes that will somehow make us better, but this logic confuses me. If our problem is intimacy, how can eliminating intimacy and sticking our relationship in the friend zone magically fix that? Answer is...it wont. Thats why I posted the original question. I think our marriage is 99.9% perfect with everything that isnt intimacy,but that is a huge part of marriage and frankly what makes marriage different than any other relationship. Some have posted that a lack of sex alone isnt enough for divorce, and some have. Its pretty confusing to me at this point because I know I will never find another friend/person like her in my life, just based on how we are with each other and the long history we have had. So (even though she is forcing my hand on this), is the the lack of sex enough to throw that all away? She seems to be ok with it.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

There is something else going on. Do the two of you ever argue about any other that the no sex? You mentioned earlier that you both get along.

It is normal to have disagreements and to argue. Not all the time, but fairly regularly. 

Sounds like someone is holding something back. Either she from you, or you in your post. Was she ever sexually abused? Was she LD early in your relationship? Or is this new?


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## Mr Pink (Sep 26, 2012)

Acoa said:


> There is something else going on. Do the two of you ever argue about any other that the no sex? You mentioned earlier that you both get along.
> 
> It is normal to have disagreements and to argue. Not all the time, but fairly regularly.
> 
> Sounds like someone is holding something back. Either she from you, or you in your post. Was she ever sexually abused? Was she LD early in your relationship? Or is this new?


Honestly we really dont argue at all. We have a great relationship other than sex, it really is strange. I dont believe she was abused as a child but I guess you never know. She has had fairly low LD her whole life....only 1-2 BFs, only 3 or so sexual partners her whole life. So Im not sure how much of this issue has to do with me or just her in a general life sense. 

Though in the first 2 year of our relationship it was dynamite, but that is normal i suppose.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I don't buy that your relationship is so great other than the sex, sorry. She feels like she needs to go and 'find herself' for a reason. 

Not arguing at all is a huge red flag IMO too.

Seriously, you can't stay married to someone if they won't give you sex. Unless she is willing to give you permission to get a FWB or use hookers or something.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

How to not cheat .....

1) Don't go looking for a partner (stay away from bars, night clubs, places where people hook up).
2) In day to day life, don't flirt with women. Flirting is often the start of relationship.
3) Don't look women in the eye. I am sometimes out and about and I can tell a woman is trying to make eye contact with me. To see if I am interested. I look away. 

Not sure what else to tell you to help you not cheat.


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## LastUnicorn (Jul 10, 2012)

Maybe she feels you two are TOO friendly. That can be a problem too. What do you do for excitement? Romance? Has the relationship gone flat in that area?


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## LastUnicorn (Jul 10, 2012)

And I agree, the question you were asking was 'how can I keep from ****ing other women?' Not 'how do I **** my wife' big difference there Pink.


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

Here's the thing, MrPink...here's why I say it's not a matter of "easier," that it's just a matter of making a choice....

I've been married for 11 years. We've had some extended sexual dry spells in there. My wife has cheated on me, both EA and PA, and we've reconciled...been rebuilding for the last 2 years, give or take. My wife had a hysterectomy almost a year ago, which caused her sex drive to plummet to virtual non-existence...so much so that, since being cleared for (as te doctor put it) "strenuous activity" in January, we've had sex maybe 3-4 times, with her helping me out manually or orally maybe another half dozen. Hormone replacement therapy isn't covered by our insurance, so we're priced out of being able to get it for her. Frankly, it's frustrating as hell. With all of that in the mix, I could rationalize cheating in countless ways. But, I don't.

I make a choice. The day I'm ready to make the opposite choice is the day the marriage should end.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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