# Why can't she be anywhere on time?



## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

Vent on:

These are the things she knew for a fact this morning:

1) The awards ceremony for our 5th grader starts at 10:30 AM.
2) It takes a minimum of 45 minutes in good weather to travel from house to school. (traffic is no consequence it's just a long damn way to drive)
3) She didn't have to work today.
4) The four year old did not have school.
5) She knew it would take time to check in and get a visitors badge.
6) Her only purpose after I left with the older two this morning at 7 was to get herself and the baby dressed and leave by 9 AM.

What actually happens? Ceremony starts on time. No stbxw. Daughter receives her all a's award. No stbxw. Numerous other awards handed out. No stbxw. Ceremony ends at 11:15. Stbxw is found walking up the hallway towards the gym against the flow of everyone leaving. Sees me and has the gall to act surprised that she missed it! Proceeds to tell me about how bad the four year old was acting. He kept taking his seat belt off. She had to stop to spank him for it. But he's also got an Icee and honey bun in his hand (which are both off limits by the way because of our "Family Diet Plan" we all agreed on two weeks ago. That tells me she also stopped to get him a snack. So, in the end of course it has nothing to do with her. The four year old is to blame. Somehow he managed to make her an hour late. But it's not really late at that point. It's absenteeism. I kids go to school in the town I work in so I'm only ever five minutes away from any activity but still got there early because I knew about the badges and finding a seat problems that everything they do at school entails. I just can't figure out what's going through someones mind when they look at the clock and just can't do the math on the current time plus travel plus checking in plus finding a seat = my ass is late!

Vent off....


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

It's passive aggressive behavior at its finest. She got to piss you off while taking no responsibility for it.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Maybe she's making stops for a quickie?


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## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

lamaga said:


> It's passive aggressive behavior at its finest. She got to piss you off while taking no responsibility for it.


I'm over it. The only reason I get upset anymore is because when the kids look up in the stands and only see me waving back I can see it on their faces. I used to be able to anways. They pretty much stopped asking where she was about a year ago. I stopped going to movies with her because of it. Honestly though I don't think it's to piss me off. She just has no concept of time or something. She looks sad everytime it happens like "oh man, i did it again". gets upset with herself. then usually blames it on something else she had to do. Stop at the store, start the laundry, get gas, take something to her mom.....always something that's more important than being on time. Sad thing is even after we divorce I still have to deal with it because of the school activities.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

As bad as it sounds... YOU were there. And your daughter knows that YOU were there. I think you get what I mean....


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Well, and over time, the kids are going to realize that you are the one they can count on. That's painful to watch, I know.

I don't buy it that she has no concept of time. I had a friend like this who was always late. Assuming you're dealing with a person who has basic life skills, it's always an aggressive move. But it's not your problem anymore! Aren't you glad????


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## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

keko said:


> Maybe she's making stops for a quickie?


Huh? Oh, because of that other thread last week? No, we all need to drop that. There's absolutely no other man in her life.


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## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

lamaga said:


> Well, and over time, the kids are going to realize that you are the one they can count on. That's painful to watch, I know.
> 
> I don't buy it that she has no concept of time. I had a friend like this who was always late. Assuming you're dealing with a person who has basic life skills, it's always an aggressive move. But it's not your problem anymore! Aren't you glad????


Whenever we used to take family trips on weekends I would tell her exactly when we needed to leave the house. Then I'd give her time updates. "2 hrs till we leave" "1 and a half hours" "1 hour" "45 minutes" "30 minutes" "15 minutes" "time to go". I get the surprised look as she comes out of her cereal/facebook fog then gets upset with me that I'm rushing her and "why do we have to leave right now it doesn't matter what time we get there" "because I don't want to get there at 5 in the evening and then have just a few hours to visit before bedtime then we have to leave at the same time tomorrow from there to get back here because no one has monday off and kids still have a bedtime sunday night plus the way your timing it we almost have to end up eating two meals in the car at the drive thru instead of leaving on time, only eating once, then eating dinner when we get there plus I'm timing this so the baby naps in the car like he's supposed to instead of napping now while you are still getting your damn clothes on then being awake and cranky the whole drive" "well whatever...I still need to take a shower". ugh....


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Maricha75 said:


> As bad as it sounds... YOU were there. And your daughter knows that YOU were there. I think you get what I mean....


Totally.

Your stbxw is a flake. What a slacker. To miss your child's awards show and then BLAME it on a 4 year old. ....smh.


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## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

that_girl said:


> Totally.
> 
> Your stbxw is a flake. What a slacker. To miss your child's awards show and then BLAME it on a 4 year old. ....smh.


I know, I should have thanked her for reminding me why I want to move on.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

that_girl said:


> Totally.
> 
> Your stbxw is a flake. What a slacker. To miss your child's awards show and then BLAME it on a 4 year old. ....smh.


That reminds me... my 4 yr old niece, I swear, is the spawn of Satan...and even she doesn't take her seat belt off when driving down the road. You know very well it was an excuse to cover up HER lack of punctuality.

Oh, and otter? Your time conversation reminds me of my parents. They have been married almost 39 years and my mom has NO concept of time whatsoever. It drives my dad nuts. It has gotten to the point that he says they have to be somewhere an hour before they really do...just to be sure they get there on time!


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## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

Maricha75 said:


> That reminds me... my 4 yr old niece, I swear, is the spawn of Satan...and even she doesn't take her seat belt off when driving down the road. You know very well it was an excuse to cover up HER lack of punctuality.
> 
> Oh, and otter? Your time conversation reminds me of my parents. They have been married almost 39 years and my mom has NO concept of time whatsoever. It drives my dad nuts. It has gotten to the point that he says they have to be somewhere an hour before they really do...just to be sure they get there on time!


I've pulled the start time trick on her once or twice. Both times she showed up late but still before the real start time. Both times I got b*tched at for lying. :scratchhead:


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

one_strange_otter said:


> I've pulled the start time trick on her once or twice. Both times she showed up late but still before the real start time. Both times I got b*tched at for lying. :scratchhead:


LOL it's because she PLANNED to be late!


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

one_strange_otter said:


> Vent on:
> 
> These are the things she knew for a fact this morning:
> 
> ...


It you want to have fun with it, agree with every excuse she gives you, in an overly dramatic way. Add in comments like "that must have been awful" and "how tough". Act like you completely believe everything, with just a bit more importance in your voice than it really deserves. 

Expect her to then double down on how she swears she is telling the truth and that these things really happened. It can be very entertaining, while you all the while agree with every excuse she gives.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

My husband is one of those people who cannot be on time for anything. It took me a while to figure out that it's just because he doesn't think being on time is important. I see it as a lack of respect for others, but to him, it's just not one of those things in life that matters.

Years ago I gave up on telling him we had to be there in count-down increments, or lying to him about what time things started. He's a grown man and I am not his mother. I began simply leaving the house when I felt it was time to do do in order to arrive on time, whether he was ready or not. Again, he's a grown man, owns a watch, and can drive himself whenever he gets ready to go. If he misses an event entirely, well, that's on him.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

lamaga said:


> It's passive aggressive behavior at its finest. She got to piss you off while taking no responsibility for it.


My thoughts exactly. My husband does this all the time... Drives me up a wall!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

one_strange_otter said:


> Whenever we used to take family trips on weekends I would tell her exactly when we needed to leave the house. Then I'd give her time updates. "2 hrs till we leave" "1 and a half hours" "1 hour" "45 minutes" "30 minutes" "15 minutes" "time to go". I get the surprised look as she comes out of her cereal/facebook fog then gets upset with me that I'm rushing her and "why do we have to leave right now it doesn't matter what time we get there" "because I don't want to get there at 5 in the evening and then have just a few hours to visit before bedtime then we have to leave at the same time tomorrow from there to get back here because no one has monday off and kids still have a bedtime sunday night plus the way your timing it we almost have to end up eating two meals in the car at the drive thru instead of leaving on time, only eating once, then eating dinner when we get there plus I'm timing this so the baby naps in the car like he's supposed to instead of napping now while you are still getting your damn clothes on then being awake and cranky the whole drive" "well whatever...I still need to take a shower". ugh....


This is passive aggressive behavior... I agree with Lamaga. The acting surprised/feigning confusion/obstructionism/trivializing your time and everyone else's are pretty much hallmarks of PA behavior. She may not do it all consciously, but subconsciously it's usually a pattern of wanting to "punish" or put you off so they don't feel so "controlled". :/
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

Funny thing is now when I tell her anything she does upsets me it's like a little light bulb goes off and she thinks "that must be the one thing he's leaving me for, if I can just fix that one thing then he will stay". It's not one thing darling, it's everything.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

it's just RUDE


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Maricha75 said:


> As bad as it sounds... YOU were there. And your daughter knows that YOU were there. I think you get what I mean....


Let's face it ... one_strange_otter- YOU ARE THE EXAMPLE TO UPHOLD OF a caring present loving parent. Be careful to teach your kids this kind of lifestyle by your good example.

Whether she is passive aggressive or just plain rude & irresponsible.... she is missing some of the sweetest parts of her children's lives. For this, she may ache someday for memories slipped through her fingers. 

They will remember that DAD was always there waving with a  in the bleachers.


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## Needpeace (May 24, 2012)

lamaga said:


> It's passive aggressive behavior at its finest. She got to piss you off while taking no responsibility for it.


My PA husband is never on time for anything EVER....that is IF he turns up at all. There is always a barage of excuses as to why, it's always someone else's fault, and then the classic I FORGOT! Grrrr....drives me up the wall over the ceiling and down the other side, lol. It's only things/appointments that affect him that he plans for and never forgets. He forgets B'days, Anniversary's, Mother's Day, Valentine's Day everything.

I know how you feel, it is beyond maddening, when you find the answer to this problem let me in on it.

In regard to your kids (If you do or don't hang around) they will grow and it will become clearer to them with age who was their for them on important dates and who wasn't, even my eldest kids get frustrated with their father. It is difficult for them to even get his attention most times, he doesn't take note of what is going on around him, it's like he switches off, he has always displayed this behaviour, if anything I have learnt to have greater patience & assertiveness, but it is tiring.

My husband is reaping the fruits of his ignorant PA behaviour now, he knows he does all these things but just can't seem to overcome it.


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## Needpeace (May 24, 2012)

one_strange_otter said:


> I'm over it. The only reason I get upset anymore is because when the kids look up in the stands and only see me waving back I can see it on their faces. I used to be able to anways. They pretty much stopped asking where she was about a year ago. I stopped going to movies with her because of it. Honestly though I don't think it's to piss me off. She just has no concept of time or something. She looks sad everytime it happens like "oh man, i did it again". gets upset with herself. then usually blames it on something else she had to do. Stop at the store, start the laundry, get gas, take something to her mom.....always something that's more important than being on time. Sad thing is even after we divorce I still have to deal with it because of the school activities.


I can uderstand & relate to all you've said, when I met my husband I just thought he was laid back & easy going, little did I know that it went far deeper than that. NOTHING bothers him, he really does'nt give a s**t, but when he is called on his behaviour he looks completely confused with no understanding what so ever as to what pain his actions have caused, sorry flows from his mouth too freely, to do it again, there is no meaning to the word, this is all classic passive aggressive behaviour, they don't see what they are doing, they see nothing wrong with their actions.

Being the kids Mum, you will never totally escape it, she will forget visitation days or if the kids stay with you she will always be late for visitation or will be a no show, in amongst a myriad of other issue's, this really hurts the kids.

Divorcing will be no easy task either, she'll really have a problem with you then & it's all going to come to you passively, she will make it a nightmare, you'll be flat out getting her to co-operate to sign any papers. PA's are also very indecisive, don't expect any decisions she needs to make through this process to come quickly, if ever at all.

The reason I have stayed? Because it's easier than trying to sort out the kids and all our investment properties, the kids would be totally heart broken, and our youngest is in cancer remission, he is so PA he would never bother with them or organize to see them, he also wouldn't stick to any arrangements, arrangements are made to be broken, he creates chaotic situations, he would also be passively vindictive to myself, without realizing he's doing it. 

Believe it or not my husband is a great Dad, he loves the kids, he is kind to them, he is like a play toy, he has many fine qualities that I focus on.

I don't know if this will be easier for you than me but good luck dealing with her...you got alot of frustration ahead of you, have you actually started the divorce process?


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## grenville (Sep 21, 2011)

I've been through this one too and I don't think it's fixable, you just have to decide to ignore it. I used to find myself waiting for my wife at the door ready to leave at whatever time we'd agreed - then she'd spend another 10 minutes faffing about before being ready to go. If I said anything, she'd get upset and sulky and, even if I didn't, she'd complain that me hanging around waiting made her uncomfortable. To avoid that, I'd get ready then sit down in a chair with a book or something and wait for her to tell me she was ready. When I did that she'd berate me either for making her feel like she was being slow or for being 'late' myself (despite being at the door within 30 seconds of being told she was ready).

If you view it as a control issue on the part of the person being late, it makes it easier. Either way though, it's not your fault so don't let her wind you up.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

@Needpeace, not to hijack the thread, but I'm so sorry! I've been there, it's absolutely crazymaking.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Elizabeth Taylor requested that she be late for her own funeral:

Elizabeth Taylor was "late" for her own funeral! - CBS News

The people that I have known who are chronically late are self-centered, rebellious, or tend to under-estimate how long things take to be completed.


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## Needpeace (May 24, 2012)

lamaga said:


> @Needpeace, not to hijack the thread, but I'm so sorry! I've been there, it's absolutely crazymaking.


Yeah, one_stange_otter, this is not a hijacking 

BUT

Thanks lamaga, shame you know the feeling but nice to know others understand......it can be a solitary path!


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

When the STBXW finally made us miss a flight, I began leaving at the appointed time whether she was ready or not. Used to drive me crazy!


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

grenville said:


> I've been through this one too and I don't think it's fixable, you just have to decide to ignore it. I used to find myself waiting for my wife at the door ready to leave at whatever time we'd agreed - then she'd spend another 10 minutes faffing about before being ready to go. If I said anything, she'd get upset and sulky and, even if I didn't, she'd complain that me hanging around waiting made her uncomfortable. To avoid that, I'd get ready then sit down in a chair with a book or something and wait for her to tell me she was ready. When I did that she'd berate me either for making her feel like she was being slow or for being 'late' myself (despite being at the door within 30 seconds of being told she was ready).
> 
> If you view it as a control issue on the part of the person being late, it makes it easier. Either way though, it's not your fault so don't let her wind you up.


My wife to a tee. Very PA. When she's really running late (due to her poor planning, not some unforseen complication) I say, "I'll meet you there." That really winds her up and gives me a chuckle, which I deserve for putting up with the PA behavior.

I do think that some people are really poor with time though. A telltale sign is if they set clocks in the house and car ahead by five or ten minutes! I'm like, WTF?! - you know they are ahead so what's the difference?

Another telltale sign is if they are always rushing around trying to get things done at the last minute. How about starting earlier so you don't have to run around like a lunatic? Sheesh.


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