# Bachelorette Issues- What to do?



## jessielee1 (Apr 7, 2014)

I could use some advise/opinions on some conflict I have been having with my wedding planning – mainly the bachelorette party! I am getting married this October.

My maid of honor/best friend was trying to plan a bachelorette party for six of us this coming May in Las Vegas. Myself, maid of honor, 2nd bridesmaid is a close gf, 3rd bridesmaid is a long time gf who we aren’t as close these days and the last 2 bridesmaids are my sister in laws to be. The 6th bridesmaid was not coming as she is pregnant. My sister in laws are younger than me, one of them by almost 10 years. They also are not friends of my friends, have never met 2-3 of the other bridesmaids and to be honest I was being polite inviting them in my wedding party because I felt it was the appropriate thing to do because they will be family. I love them and could see us getting closer over the years- but we have only known each other less than 2 years at this point and I mainly see them/hang out with them for family events, family vacations, etc. 

To make matters worse one of my other bridesmaids (3rd bridesmaid) is a very conflict type (we’ll call her conflict girl) - she hates my maid of honor, for really no real reason- probably jealousy of my MOH and my friendship since she introduced us six years ago. My 2nd bridesmaid is a close friend of mine, I’d call her my best friend after my MOH/best friend- I see and hang out with her the second most. 

My maid of honor sent a group message (excluding me as she is trying to keep a lot of it a surprise) and it was a mess. My MOH broke down the cost of the hotel/airfare and said to budget X amount of dollars if you want to do anything extra like shopping, shows or casinos. She asked if people were in a position to contribute about $100-150 each to cover my portion of the trip. All the girls knew the bachelorette was planning to be in Vegas and before the actual attempt to book the trip- everyone was on board.

When my maid of honor sent the group message, only 2 of them were on board. My MOH and my 2nd bridesmaid both said they were ok with the price/budget and contributing for me. The other three wanted to come, but kept saying maybe we can find a cheaper trip? The lowest price we found was $750 for flight/airfare, which for those who have been to Vegas is normal and considered the low end. The budget of $1000 was pretty accurate, as once you cover your food, going out, entertainment- $1000 is probably being tight but you could do it. The three kept saying they couldn’t afford to chip in for me, they weren’t happy with the 750 and felt we could “shop” around and get cheaper. There was a bunch of bickering back and forth and some snarky comments here and there. One of my sister in laws even suggested I book the trip myself because I may be able to get a discount through work. Which by the way might have been -$20 each discount. Is that really worth it? It was pretty immature the comments being thrown around, although no one being directly rude you could feel the tension. I only knew about the chat because my maid of honor and 2nd bridesmaid both called me and said things were not looking good and booking this was looking difficult and they didn’t know what to do?

I was upset and didn’t know who to believe was being difficult or where the conflict was? So I asked if I could read the whole chat. That is when I realized the difficulty was with my 2 sister in laws and my 3rd bridesmaid. I felt aweful… This is not what I wanted my bachelorette to turn out like- and we couldn’t even get people on board to go ahead and book it, which was at this point 3 months away and prices were starting to creep up.

I decided to cancel the Vegas bachelorette. I emailed all the bridesmaids together including my pregnant bridesmaid and about 4-5 other girlfriends who aren’t in the wedding party but wanted to participate in a bachelorette party but who OPENLY said they were out before even discussing the budget, due to other reasons such as financial, not getting time off work, breastfeeding babies etc. Which I completely encouraged and understood up front.

I decided to cancel and told everyone that my MOH would be planning a different option that was more affordable, easier to coordinate and everyone could come and have a blast! I said that is how I wanted it to be and just wanted everyone to enjoy themselves and celebrate with me. My bachelorette is now going to be a TOTAL surprise and planned for this August.

My MOH and my 2nd bridesmaid have been talking just the three of us and we feel bad the Vegas idea has fallen through and was too difficult for everyone / plus it was evident personality conflicts were getting in the way. Us three get along amazing and were thinking we might go to Vegas just the three of us- but AFTER the bachelorette party in August and maybe hop away on one weekend this September.

My fiancé seems to think this is going to blow up in my face and he thinks his sisters and my 3rd bridesmaid are going to be upset.
Do they really have a right to be upset? After all that happened, I feel there is really nothing wrong with going to Vegas in Lieu of my bachelorette that fell through. I am still having one big bachelorette that EVERYONE can come too and the 3 of us that original were ok paying $750+ to head to Vegas can still go and have a great weekend. I would not even advertise it as a “bachelorette” party because it really is not one now.

Thoughts??


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

You have way too many bridesmaids.


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## jessielee1 (Apr 7, 2014)

Hope1964 said:


> You have way too many bridesmaids.


My fiance and I both have 6- but I agree lol
I wanted to have 4- my closest girlfriends I have known for years. I couldn't leave his two sisters out  But I couldn't justify leaving 2 of my closest gf's out for his two sisters either


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## damagedgoods1 (Nov 8, 2013)

I have been on both sides of the equation and here's my advice.

For your Vegas (non-Bachelorette party), go ahead and make all your plans with your close girlfriends. As an FYI, let the others know your travel itinerary and let them know they are free to join you, but they need to make all of their own travel arrangements. Make it clear, they are under absolutely NO obligation to go. There is no way the other bridesmaids aren't going to find out about this trip, it's best to just let them know up front, and let them make the decision not to go. 

Do NOT ask them to contribute to your travel fees. Let them have total autonomy over their travel arrangements, i.e. they can stay for part of the weekend (or whole weekend), in a hotel of their choice, but the party will be at your hotel at a bar of your choice, at your specific time/date.

As for your actual Bachelorette party from your MOH, is she going to be sending out another email asking the other bridesmaids to help contribute to the costs??? If so, you are going to end up with the same situation on your hands. It's best if MOH pays for the entire thing on her own, and/or asks the other bridesmaids to contribute something specific that they will have some autonomy over. For example, party favors, if I'm asked to pay for party favors, I would like to select the party favors myself or at least have 50% input into party favors.

Bottomline: The problem I see here is bridesmaids being asked to pay for stuff that they have no input over.


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

I guess for the time of year, $750 is okay...we usually only pay about $80/90 a night to stay at the Luxor, and we're only there for 4 or 5 days.

I got 5 days at Circus-Circus, including flight and 2 Circ shows for $495, but that place is a dive and it's at the other end of the strip.

I think it's none of their business if you decide to take an additional trip with your 2 best friends. I wouldn't rub it in their faces, but I wouldn't give a chit what they thought. They were extremely difficult, causing you to have to alter your bachelorette plans, which you have, to accommodate them all...doesn't mean you can't take the original trip that you wanted after the fact. It's your prerogative. 

I would do it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

When you have such a big wedding party it's hard to make everyone happy. And so now you know what you have.

Asking people to spend $1000 or more on a bachelorette party is a bit much unless everyone is very well off. The idea of the Vegas party was unreasonable to say the least. To paint those who felt that they could not do it because of finances, time off work, etc. as being difficult is unfair. 

Having the alternative party that everyone can make was a good choice.

If you and some friends want to go on a trip to Vegas that's a different issue. I agree with the person who suggested that you let everyone else know that they are welcome to come on their own terms. You might even want to invite others who are not part of the wedding party so that it's clear that this is not a second bachelorette party for those who are more money to blow.


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## WallaceBea (Apr 7, 2014)

jessielee1 said:


> I decided to cancel and told everyone that my MOH would be planning a different option that was more affordable, easier to coordinate and everyone could come and have a blast! I said that is how I wanted it to be and just wanted everyone to enjoy themselves and celebrate with me. My bachelorette is now going to be a TOTAL surprise and planned for this August.
> 
> My MOH and my 2nd bridesmaid have been talking just the three of us and we feel bad the Vegas idea has fallen through and was too difficult for everyone / plus it was evident personality conflicts were getting in the way. Us three get along amazing and were thinking we might go to Vegas just the three of us- but AFTER the bachelorette party in August and maybe hop away on one weekend this September.


You did the right thing by cancelling. At my stagette, it was hard for some of my friends to even be able to afford $50.00, so I couldn't imagine asking them to pay $1000.00. 

Go to vegas with your MOH and 2nd bridsmaid, and don't feel guilty. If this causes problems with your sister in laws, well, it is THEIR problem. 

I was very adamant about not having any stress during my wedding planning, and if people (family, friends) started to create conflict or drama, I simply avoided them until they got over themselves. You are old enough to make your own decisions, and this is an important time for you, where you shouldn't have to worry about pleasing other people. 

Go.To.Vegas with your friends. And have fun


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## jessielee1 (Apr 7, 2014)

Thanks ladies for the input- you all have some good points!

For starters, I do agree Vegas is very pricey, forgot to mention we are from Canada, so the $750 quote is very good for us, flights are expensive from up here  But that is also why even before the planning started, I did get opinions from all the bridesmaids. A few of them even stated VEGAS on their own, without me mentioning it- as who doesn't love Vegas lol.. So the 5 other bridesmaids that were invited, were all aware and all seemed super excited about it!

It wasn't until my MOH got the ball rolling and sent the first mass message out discussing numbers that things got icky. I personally have been to Vegas a few times, so I knew what I was getting into and I told my MOH that I was expecting to pay my way. She insisted along with another bridesmaid they thought it was a nice gesture to throw in $100 each and cover most of it for me. Which from what I have heard most people do- if they can get enough people on board to afford it. I know guys who have all done Bachelor parties in Vegas and all spent a grand or more and covered the groom's flight as well.
But that to me is a BONUS not required. I did not expect it and told my MOH if she needed my 750 to book me as the 6th let me know and I'd send it over.

The issue was with the sister in laws and other bridesmaid who didn't feel they could even do the 750 each. I honestly had no hard feelings or would not have cared if people declined!!
What rubbed me the wrong way was the chat went on for 3 hours and nothing got resolved. The 3 that were not ok with the 750 kept saying let's do more research! My MOH and I myself on the side had searched a ton of sites and 750 was the lowest I could find in a 3+ star.
Even flat out saying NO I can't chip in was rude. If I couldn't afford to chip in anything for a bride at her bachelorette, I personally would decline and say I couldn't attend. I wouldn't try and bargain hunt for better deals. Or at worst, I would say I really wanted to go but all I could budget was $50 extra to pitch in for part of the bride's trip.
I also wouldn't expect to go to Vegas period, bachelorette or not - Vegas wouldn't be on my list for that year if I couldn't afford an extra $100. Who wants to go on vacation and feel strapped? I'm sure we've all been there and the polite thing to do if invited is to decline.

Either way, it has been cancelled- I felt much peace of mind knowing it was done with, because if I had known that many people were not ok with that in their budget I would never have wanted my MOH to even attempt it! I was definitely mis-lead there, but things change I guess when you see $ on paper and try to arrange a budget.

It was definitely causing some fights between my fiancé and I because ofcourse he loves his sisters. He said they adored me and would be so hurt if I went without them. But really, it is now becoming about me accommodating THEM... Not the other way around. Not once did I hear this is for X's bachelorette let's make it work and give her the time of her life. I am also biased, because I am a giving person, I would work overtime in order to get an extra $100 if that meant attending a surprising someone close to me such as a best friend and a sister/sister in law. 

I am not even saying a word that I know what was discussed in that convo, as I don't want to make anyone feel bad. I don't want anyone knowing I know they couldn't afford it and I don't want anyone knowing someone brought it to my attention, to fuel any drama.

I feel booking the Vegas trip separate with me paying my own way-with two of my best girl friends is a nice alternative. I am not leaving anyone out of the bachelorette festivities and it will be something way more affordable for everyone. I have asked my MOH to do something simple, in-expensive and so that no one feels burdened to spend a lot of money.

Also, I did not touch on the personality clashes too much either, but like I said one bridesmaid hates my MOH, my sister in laws aren't fond of her either- the one sister dated my MOH's ex-fiancé right after they split.. It's just honestly a mess lol..
I feel like one night of celebrating downtown, no problem people will suck it up. But trying to book a 3-4 night getaway when alcohol is involved, just sounded like a recipe for disaster and not fun to me. I'd be stressed the whole time trying to make peace with my closest friends and my sisters.

Thanks for the input, if I have overlooked any angles to this I appreciate more thoughts on this??


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## welder8899 (Apr 8, 2014)

If you have read any other posts in this forum you'll realize there will be much larger problems waiting for you after you say "I do". Enjoy the time, and don't worry about it. You will most likely never be there again, and to squabble over a few hundred dollars seems irrelevant.


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