# Common or a little odd?



## Rowan

I put up a profile on Match.com today. This afternoon, I received a first-contact email from a guy. Just two sentences: "Hey, I'm [Name]. Would you like to go to dinner?" 

Is it common with online dating for the initial contact to be a request for a dinner date - presumably that same evening? It just struck me as a little fast, and kind of odd. I though part of the deal was to exchange at least preliminary emails before asking someone out. None of my eHarmony matches have been so...abrupt.


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## Blossom Leigh

That would put me off. I don't know about the commonality of it. I've not been on a dating site, but I don't blame your reaction at all. It IS abrupt.


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## BlueWoman

No that's not common. My guess is he's looking for a one night stand.


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## Natthewife

Way too forward. Stay away. Stranger danger alert going mad lol


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## Natthewife

Out of curiosity what did u reply?!


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## Rowan

I'm glad to know I'm not just overreacting to something that's accepted etiquette in online dating circles. I found it fairly off-putting. 

I ignored his message. Interestingly, the same guy just emailed me again saying he knew I'd viewed his profile. He was asking for feedback as to why I wasn't interested, like were his pictures ugly or was his profile bad. 

Now I'm wondering if he's just hopelessly clueless about dating/online dating and genuinely wants feedback, or if he's a budding stalker. I am torn between telling him that asking for a date in a first-contact email is way too fast/forward, or just blocking him....


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## arbitrator

*Not No, Rowan! But Hell, No!

As a guy, I get those frequently on both ******* and POF! I simply ignore them and refuse to respond. 

If I'm going to take a gal out to dinner, then we're going to email for a while, and only then after a reasonable amount of talking to her on the phone for a "comfort connection" to be made on both of our parts ~ prior to any subsequent dinner reservations being made for the two of us!*


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## Rowan

Same dude just sent me a snippy email about not responding, ignoring him, etc. Is there a term for a male bunny boiler? He's now blocked. 

Wow. Less than 12 hours on Match and I've already got a creeper. :slap:


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## Marriedwithdogs

I wouldn't see anything wrong with it. I've been out Of the dating game for 20 yrs. Shows you how clueless I am.


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## EleGirl

Rowan said:


> Same dude just sent me a snippy email about not responding, ignoring him, etc. Is there a term for a male bunny boiler? He's now blocked.
> 
> Wow. Less than 12 hours on Match and I've already got a creeper. :slap:


this is the 3rd email? 

I was sympatric with the 2nd one. But not this one. He's escalated to anger in a matter of hours.. as though you owe him something. BLOCK HIM.


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## Cooper

He's just trying to initiate dialogue by asking why you weren't interested, once he crosses that bridge then he will try to wear you down and gain your interest.

Online dating is a goofy business, I have had women send me their phone numbers with their very first hello message, or their personal emails. 

If it smells funny trust your instincts, it's probably rotten.


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## Married but Happy

I'd say it's common, although usually it's just a coffee meet and not dinner, or else it's a proposition for sex without _any _social amenities first!

People seem too eager to meet quickly, IMO, but if there's mutual interest based on profiles, and it's convenient to do so in the next day or so, why not? Much as I prefer a lengthier email exchange to establish some compatibility, waiting can also cause some good prospects to lose interest.

Anyway, suggest coffee as an alternative, with the option to stay longer and do something else if you click. Of course, basic safety means just meet in a public place, have your own transportation, and don't park in any isolated spots.


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## Rowan

EleGirl said:


> I was sympatric with the 2nd one. But not this one. He's escalated to anger in a matter of hours.. as though you owe him something. BLOCK HIM.





Cooper said:


> He's just trying to initiate dialogue by asking why you weren't interested, once he crosses that bridge then he will try to wear you down and gain your interest.


I was also sympathetic with the second email. I actually did respond to it, telling him that his first-contact date-tonight request was a little too fast for my comfort level. I also said that it's typical for at least a little back-and-forth communication prior to a face-to-face meeting, and that I appreciated his interest but didn't think we were a match. 

But, Cooper is quite correct about what would happen next. I got a third email apologizing, but also pressing for me to IM or call him. I was out with my son, so didn't see it. An hour later, he'd sent email number _four_, scolding me for ignoring him. There was also a little of the "I guess you think you're too good for me" sort of thing. So, yeah, from "hello" to anger in a matter of hours, with a blatant unwillingness to accept a polite "no, thank you". 

He's blocked now.


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## Married but Happy

Rowan said:


> I actually did respond to the second email, telling him that his first-contact date-tonight request was a little too fast for my comfort level. I also said that it's typical for at least a little back-and-forth communication prior to a face-to-face meeting, and that I appreciated his interest but didn't think we were a match.
> 
> I then got a third email apologizing, but also pressing for me to IM or call him. I was out with my son, so didn't see it. An hour later, he'd sent email number _four_, scolding me for ignoring him. There was also a little of the "I guess you think you're too good for me" sort of thing. So, yeah, from "hello" to anger in a matter of hours.
> 
> He's blocked now.


Wow! You had an entire relationship equivalent to many marriages, in just a few hours!


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## Pluto2

Ew, Rowman. This really reads as a creepy stalker-guy. You did the right thing by blocking him. Of course you should only do what feels comfortable to you.
And kuddos to you for putting yourself out there.


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## minimalME

Rowan said:


> I put up a profile on Match.com today. This afternoon, I received a first-contact email from a guy. Just two sentences: "Hey, I'm [Name]. Would you like to go to dinner?"
> 
> Is it common with online dating for the initial contact to be a request for a dinner date - presumably that same evening? It just struck me as a little fast, and kind of odd. I though part of the deal was to exchange at least preliminary emails before asking someone out. None of my eHarmony matches have been so...abrupt.


My thinking on this is a little different than the others, but I'm also someone who doesn't enjoy the online dating process.

First and foremost, we're human, and in my opinion, we're meant to interact face to face. So, anytime we communicate in a way other than that, it's very, very easy to misread/misunderstand/get offended, etc.

So, for me, meeting is the priority. 

You can do all the polite back and forth you want, only to find that when you finally meet them, they're completely different than their photos (height, weight, age). This has happened to me over and over.

And I don't penalize a man for wanting to have sex. If he finds you attractive, of course he's gonna want to have sex with you. 

So, when I'm getting to know new people, I understand that it's not my job to manage their motives or intentions. It's my responsibility to know my boundaries and keep myself in line. 

And I err on the side of grace and extending kindness, because it's an uncomfortable thing for most of us - midlife dating.

If a man offers you dinner, and it's too soon for you, if you find him attractive and want to meet, counter with coffee or drinks. 

I also have the 'who pays for what' conversation prior to meeting - in a very light-hearted, curious sort of way, and I've not had one man expect me to pay.

So, yes - follow your gut, but understand that finding someone creepy online isn't necessarily the same as find them creepy in person.

There's a huge learning curve (at least there's been for me), and as I've said before, dating sucks.


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## Wolf1974

Rowan said:


> I'm glad to know I'm not just overreacting to something that's accepted etiquette in online dating circles. I found it fairly off-putting.
> 
> I ignored his message. Interestingly, the same guy just emailed me again saying he knew I'd viewed his profile. He was asking for feedback as to why I wasn't interested, like were his pictures ugly or was his profile bad.
> 
> Now I'm wondering if he's just hopelessly clueless about dating/online dating and genuinely wants feedback, or if he's a budding stalker. I am torn between telling him that asking for a date in a first-contact email is way too fast/forward, or just blocking him....


He could be a creeper or just clueless. 50-50 my opinion. I had no clue how to do dating again and so I did do stuff like this. It was the feedback that helped. So I say throw him a bone and then if he turns ass clown on you after block him

Some of us guys need alittle help


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## Wolf1974

Rowan said:


> Same dude just sent me a snippy email about not responding, ignoring him, etc. Is there a term for a male bunny boiler? He's now blocked.
> 
> Wow. Less than 12 hours on Match and I've already got a creeper. :slap:


Ahh ok

Passive aggressive way to get dates. Just block him and move on

Welcome to online dating lol


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## Wolf1974

minimalME said:


> My thinking on this is a little different than the others, but I'm also someone who doesn't enjoy the online dating process.
> 
> First and foremost, we're human, and in my opinion, we're meant to interact face to face. So, anytime we communicate in a way other than that, it's very, very easy to misread/misunderstand/get offended, etc.
> 
> *So, for me, meeting is the priority. *
> 
> You can do all the polite back and forth you want, only to find that when you finally meet them, they're completely different than their photos (height, weight, age). This has happened to me over and over.
> 
> And I don't penalize a man for wanting to have sex. If he finds you attractive, of course he's gonna want to have sex with you.
> 
> So, when I'm getting to know new people, I understand that it's not my job to manage their motives or intentions. It's my responsibility to know my boundaries and keep myself in line.
> 
> And I err on the side of grace and extending kindness, because it's an uncomfortable thing for most of us - midlife dating.
> 
> If a man offers you dinner, and it's too soon for you, if you find him attractive and want to meet, counter with coffee or drinks.
> 
> I also have the 'who pays for what' conversation prior to meeting - in a very light-hearted, curious sort of way, and I've not had one man expect me to pay.
> 
> So, yes - follow your gut, but understand that finding someone creepy online isn't necessarily the same as find them creepy in person.
> 
> There's a huge learning curve (at least there's been for me), and as I've said before, dating sucks.


I agree with this In part. In the beginning I was comfortable communicating for weeks prior to actually meeting someone. However women just seemed to disappear at random when you finally pushed to meet like this. I called them the date flakes. Would talk to you for hours through email, phone and text but when time to meet came they were MIA. Some were married and just wanted attention. Some always looking for the BBD and some just to afraid to actually meet someone and leave thier house.

I have a one week rule that from first communication we are going to meet up face to face to see if we have a connection. This is has significantly cut down on the flake outs.

In OP's case a sentence right away asking for a dinner date is way to soon. Several emails and texting should take place before that comes up my opinion..... I was hoping he was just clueless but seems more demanding and out of line with third email.

Men and women deal with different crap in online dating. Women deal with this and men fairly constant rejection. With that rejection it's easy to become jaded and upset but then you have to take a break. Can't blaime women for getting that much attention. Us guys just wish we had inboxes full of emails from time to time lol


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## Hardtohandle

Of course all of this now being hindsight.. I do agree as well 2nd email seemed like he wasn't sure and then got weird after that.. 

BUT

I think 3 messages tops going back and forth ( 6 total ) before we meet for coffee or dinner, but I would push for coffee first..

I don't think sending too many messages is a good idea.. I just don't think they convey emotions well or demeanor.. 

For me I think some simple but serious questions should come up during messages/emails.. I'm a cop, because some people do hate cops for various reasons. Of course the next is no drug use of any sort. Finally no alcohol abuse issues and/or general questions about kids, because I have 2..

I've also learned that as a friend of mine states, just because someone talks about traveling it doesn't mean they do it or have done it in the past few years.. Sometimes it seems like people talk as if they are traveling every weekend. When the reality is they might want to do a million other things like be a doctor and a pilot and a astronaut and a superhero. It just doesn't mean that they will do it.. Some people just like to talk.


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## Flying_Dutchman

I'd want to know more about someone than whether they were hungry before meeting them.

Some common ground. A sense of humour. Not some kind of zealot. 

Yeah, "Wanna eat?" would be a bit hasty for me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EnjoliWoman

Creepy, clueless and/or insecure. Or all of the above. I found it odd. I've been invited quickly for a date but every time they've at least commented about something in common and wanting to talk face to face. A lot of men (and women) have learned that a month of flirty emails can lead to a complete dud in person so meeting in person quickly to see if you hit it off is better.

And it is but within reason.

A lot of women AND men like to email for a VERY long time - they really just use the site for external validation and chicken out on the meeting part OR have lied substantially and found themselves caught and no way out.

i.e. the woman who uses an older photo and thinks she'll have lost that 20 pounds by the time she meets someone suddenly has to face someone in person or the guy who is hoping to get you to like him for HIM before you realize he's short, bald, ugly, drives a yugo, etc. - whatever the insecurity is.


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## Jellybeans

I don't think it's odd. Sometimes people plan ahead (like, let's go to diner on Wednesday) but I've had several guys online ask me out to dinner.

Do meet someplace public.


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## Rowan

EnjoliWoman said:


> Creepy, clueless and/or insecure. Or all of the above. I found it odd. I've been invited quickly for a date but every time they've at least commented about something in common and wanting to talk face to face. A lot of men (and women) have learned that a month of flirty emails can lead to a complete dud in person so meeting in person quickly to see if you hit it off is better.
> 
> And it is but within reason.
> 
> A lot of women AND men like to email for a VERY long time - they really just use the site for external validation and chicken out on the meeting part OR have lied substantially and found themselves caught and no way out.
> 
> i.e. the woman who uses an older photo and thinks she'll have lost that 20 pounds by the time she meets someone suddenly has to face someone in person or the guy who is hoping to get you to like him for HIM before you realize he's short, bald, ugly, drives a yugo, etc. - whatever the insecurity is.


Yeah, I was chatting over the weekend with a very nice-seeming guy who, after probably 8 emails each way, mentioned that he's actually currently deployed. I couldn't imagine why anyone would be on a dating site - actively contacting potential dates - with a profile stating they're in the next town over, if they're really in Kuwait and will be until October? :scratchhead: 

Another guy I was matched with on eHarmony was pretty upfront that he's been burned before with spending weeks talking to a woman whose profile turned out to have used pictures from 70 pounds ago. I assured him that all my pictures were from within the last 6 months, and most from within the last month. And that I'm a 38 year old mother with an average body who's never had any work done, but if we meet and I'm not doing it for him then no harm, no foul. 

Online dating is just so, so, surreal.....


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## Acoa

Rowan said:


> Online dating is just so, so, surreal.....


Too true. I joined match about a month ago, and did a lot of research prior. 

The 'average' seems to be the guy initiating an email dialog. Just one email. If there is no response, they accept it as non-interest and move on. 

The emailing back and forth stage is where you look for anything really odd that doesn't match their profile. There are married folks pretending to be single, people looking for pen pals and various emotionally immature people that you have to weed out. They tend to be prolific in their emails, so expect to get lots of contacts like that, especially during your first couple weeks.

If the first round of emails go well, then the next 'normal' thing to do try and set up a meeting within the next week or two. You'll weed out the married and looking for pen pal types quickly by trying to bring things into the real world. Coffee or drinks is the 'norm'. I prefer not to meet for dinner as that's a lot of time to invest with someone. You'll know after the first couple of minutes if the person is a creeper. Much easier if you can chug your drink and say goodbye. Good first contacts can be 3 hours worth of drinks and a dinner invite. Much more flexibility based on chemistry.

And as always, be safe in choosing meeting places, giving out phone numbers and your real address. I suggest using the match email system up to the first meeting. Meet at a neutral public location. Then if that meeting goes well you can exchange phone numbers and plan future meetings. I typically don't offer to 'pick up' a woman for a date until after 3 dates (In the interest of full disclosure I haven't had more than 3 dates yet before I've called off that relationship). 

Online dating is very different than asking out someone from your current social circles. You know much less about them, and you normally don't have any other contact with them outside of dating until your relationship evolves. So, you want to make a judgment pretty quickly as to if that person is worth your time. There are so many who are not, you don't want to have your time drained by someone you don't see a future with. There are a lot of good people out there, and your best chance of meeting the right one, is to no waste time on the wrong ones. That may lead to some snap judgments, but that's okay, that's online dating. 

I've met 3 different women over the past month, and all have 'ended well'. Meaning we agreed to end it and wished each other well. I think when someone is getting angry and trying to pressure you into a response, it's a sure red flag and they deserved to be blocked.


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## minimalME

Acoa said:


> I've met 3 different women over the past month, and all have 'ended well'. Meaning we agreed to end it and wished each other well. *I think when someone is getting angry and trying to pressure you into a response, it's a sure red flag and they deserved to be blocked*.


Interestingly enough, the guy who was the nastiest to me was a local psychiatrist who ran his own clinic.

I said 'no thank you' to his date request, and when he pressed to know why, I explained that he didn't fit my age parameters. (Which were visible on my profile, and he was old enough to be my dad.)

That set him off, and he began insulting me. So, yeah, I had to block him.


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## Rowan

I'm loving the guys who have some version of "psycho" in their username. Second only to the ones making lewd tongue gestures in their profile pictures. And one guy - who is retired military, so it's not as bad as it first seemed (Use the caption feature, people!) - who had a photo up of around 15 armed dudes in tactical gear wearing ski masks posing in front of a chopper with maybe 20 hay-bale sized bricks of what appears to be cocaine..... 

:slap:

So far, I'm finding that eHarmony uses a format I much prefer to Match. It's very structured and you get a few new matches every day to few days. Match seems sort of chaotic in comparison. It's very fast, the site is sort of cluttered, there's a constant deluge of "matches", who mostly obviously aren't. And a flood of winks, likes, "he's interested" messages, and emails - all of which get pushed to my app and my email so my phone is continually blowing up. It's overwhelming, but not really in a good way.


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## bkyln309

I like the quick meetups for a drink or coffee. I dont want to spend weeks chatting with someone I will have no chemistry with in person. A week of chatting/texting/talking more than enough for an hour meet.


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## Lon

When I was trying online dating, after some time of writing nice genuine messages to women only to have them never respond, I turned to short witty messages, which barely got a response other than perhaps a smiley face, which my second message to was never replied. So eventually I would just come out and say from the outset "you sound interesting, I'm not into a relationship with my keyboard, so I'd like to meet you in person" which was more effective at actually getting a dialog going and even set up a couple dates - however both those actual dates backed out.

So don't see it as an indicator that the guy is looking for a ONS, it just means he hasn't found any other methods that actually work yet. He just has no game, for most women it seems not having game = low quality man.


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## lenzi

The guy obviously hasn't done much online dating.

Once you get burned a few times by the FUGLYS (fat and ugly) that post 10 year old pictures and lie in their profiles, it becomes "a quick meet for coffee" only.


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## Rowan

I have another dating question, so I thought I'd just post it on this same thread. 

I met a really, really, nice man on eHarmony. We emailed, then texted, for a total of 2 weeks before our first in-person meeting. He's attractive, witty, fun - just as "advertised" on his profile. Our first date went well and was comfortable. We've continued talking and had our second date the day before yesterday. 

However, there doesn't appear to be any real sexual chemistry. Being new to dating, I wasn't sure what to expect on the first date. I thought it went pretty well. However, on the second date I realized that, while he's objectively attractive, I'm not noticeably attracted _to_ him. And the fact that I can't tell if he's attracted to me at all, leads me to think he's not. But, he's still texting me and has mentioned wanting to go out again sometime. 

Is it okay to break things off with him via text? Something to the effect of "You're a really great guy, but I don't think we're a good long-term match"? Or do I need to speak to him over the phone?


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## SecondTime'Round

Hmmmm, that's kinda hard to say since we weren't on the dates and know how well you got to know each other. I do think it's fine to do over the phone and not in person, but I'm up in the air about a text. Either way, I'd wait until he asks you out for a specific day and time and then tell him no and say what you said. 

I don't think I ever commented on your OP/issue, but that happened to me a lot when I was online dating. I think there are trolls on those sites that just really like to get very ugly toward women who aren't interested. I was accused of all sorts of things that are not at all true about my personality lol. You were right to block him. I also never responded to a simple, "hi, wanna go out?" 

Interesting your preference of eharmony.....maybe I never gave it enough of a chance. It's been a few years, so maybe the format has changed a bit. I found it confusing.


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## lenzi

Rowan said:


> Is it okay to break things off with him via text? Something to the effect of "You're a really great guy, but I don't think we're a good long-term match"? Or do I need to speak to him over the phone?


You can do whatever you want but after going out with the guy twice, a break up by text is really a cowardly slap in the face.


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## SecondTime'Round

lenzi said:


> You can do whatever you want but after going out with the guy twice, a break up by text is really a cowardly slap in the face.


Conversely, it could be kinder. If I was on the receiving end of that news, I think I might rather be told by text to alleviate some embarrassment and it would save me from having to immediately verbally respond.


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## Rowan

I'm not trying to take the cowardly way out. I'm just not sure what's expected. He really is a very nice man and will be a great partner for someone. Just not me. I'd hate to make him more uncomfortable than I need to by calling him if this situation is commonly handled via text. We've talked on the phone precisely once for about 2 minutes, to clarify some driving directions when I was on my way to meet him for our first date. And I can't tell him in person without going out with him again, which I would think would be even more awkward. 

There's no ill-intent here, just profound lack of experience and practical knowledge on my part.


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## Satya

I'd suggest doing it in person, before another date transpires. You don't want him to feel used for a date and then dumped at the end. Quick coffee date or a walk works. No expectations of shelling out money or getting dolled up. 

Leave them better than when you found them. I'm sure the men here cringe a bit reading that, but I've always tried to let guys down with kindness and respectfully, as how I would wish to be let go. Text or call dumping feels wrong to me if I've been on more than 1 date.


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## lenzi

Satya said:


> I'd suggest doing it in person, before another date transpires.


In person? That's overkill.

A brief phone call stating he's a great guy but she's not feeling it is more than sufficient.


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## Rowan

Well, it appears that my fretting about the right move here was wasted effort. I haven't heard from him since Friday evening, although I sent him a couple messages over the weekend. Apparently, he's decided to handle the situation by disappearing without a word.


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## unbelievable

Rowan said:


> I have another dating question, so I thought I'd just post it on this same thread.
> 
> I met a really, really, nice man on eHarmony. We emailed, then texted, for a total of 2 weeks before our first in-person meeting. He's attractive, witty, fun - just as "advertised" on his profile. Our first date went well and was comfortable. We've continued talking and had our second date the day before yesterday.
> 
> However, there doesn't appear to be any real sexual chemistry. Being new to dating, I wasn't sure what to expect on the first date. I thought it went pretty well. However, on the second date I realized that, while he's objectively attractive, I'm not noticeably attracted _to_ him. And the fact that I can't tell if he's attracted to me at all, leads me to think he's not. But, he's still texting me and has mentioned wanting to go out again sometime.
> 
> Is it okay to break things off with him via text? Something to the effect of "You're a really great guy, but I don't think we're a good long-term match"? Or do I need to speak to him over the phone?


I've never been a woman so I don't know how y'all think, but a guy isn't going to devote much time on a woman he has no sexual attraction for. I wouldn't put a lot of emphasis on a guy's sexual attraction for you. It's harder to find one who respects you, shares your values, likes you, "gets" you. Most of them will be attracted to you. It's also safe to assume that tigers are attracted to steak.


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## gdtm0111

From a Nice Guy standpoint, both messages from him are too strong. Good choice to stay away.


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## unbelievable

I would think getting a response from someone rather odd and creepy would be quite common on a dating site. If you were a socially awkward, creepy guy, looking for a hook-up or another body to hide in your basement, how would you meet women? Probably on a dating site.


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## Rowan

unbelievable said:


> I've never been a woman so I don't know how y'all think, but a guy isn't going to devote much time on a woman he has no sexual attraction for. I wouldn't put a lot of emphasis on a guy's sexual attraction for you. It's harder to find one who respects you, shares your values, likes you, "gets" you. Most of them will be attracted to you. It's also safe to assume that tigers are attracted to steak.



His attraction, or not, to me was actually less of a concern for me than the fact that I wasn't attracted to him. I mean, yeah, he's a guy and I'm not an ogre, so....... But if neither of us are attracted to one another, that's a real problem. 




unbelievable said:


> I would think getting a response from someone rather odd and creepy would be quite common on a dating site. If you were a socially awkward, creepy guy, looking for a hook-up or another body to hide in your basement, how would you meet women? Probably on a dating site.


Yeah, plenty of creepy on dating sites. However, if you're in a rural area and want to date people you haven't known since you were in kindergarten, online dating is rather the go-to option. It's not like there's any chance of meeting nice single men though work, church, hobbies or civic organizations that I don't already know, and there's no bar scene. Online dating seems to be looked upon as much less oddball/creepy/desperate than it was even a few years ago. 

But it also has an etiquette all it's own. There are some things that are common that I wouldn't have thought were appropriate. And some things I would assume to be common just aren't done. There's a learning curve to figuring out the online dating culture. Which is my I initially asked if it was odd for a guy to include a dinner invitation for that night in his initial contact email. 

Believe me, there are much weirder things than a dinner invitation that some guys will include in their initial email.....


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## Satya

If he's faded you out, just work with it. NEXT!


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