# Is it me?



## simba2011 (Jun 20, 2011)

Oh I spent like an hour typing this and somehow lost the whole post. Not my day. First let me say I was really glad to find this forum as I have not shared my feelings with anyone. 

A little history: I have been married almost 22 years. We have 3 kids, 20, 17 and almost 14. I have caught my husband in numerous emotional affairs. I say emotional because most were on the internet. The first time was shortly after my daughter was born (13 years ago). Then off and on again for the past 12 to 13 years. Always I would find an e-mail and now it has progressed (technology) to finding text messages.With each affair, I would hear that it was my fault. I didn't pay him enough attention or I loved the kids more than him (I did to). I think we both believed I was to blame for his affairs.

Each time we worked through it. I was a stay-at-home mom and had 3 kids. I wasn't about to blow their world for him. Besides for the most part we enjoyed each other's company and got along well. After the kids were born, he started drinking more and more. Only in the eves and after work. I started having a couple beers or wine to relax after a long day w/kids and it helped me sleep. It kind of became a habit. I always have a few drinks now before bed. I enjoy it. I don't feel I abuse it. I don't get drunk. I get a slight buzz and then go to bed. My husband on the other hand does not have a stopping point. He is an alcoholic. He has some weeks he does ok (6 or 7 beers plus shots) and others where he passes out on the couch or floor. My kids have seen all of this. I'm honest with them about him being an alcoholic, he has never discussed it with the kids. Our marriage has been ok, some rocky points but ok. I want to say I'm no innocent to cheating. I have had affairs. Most very short lived, one that lasted several months. I never told anyone and I think my husband might know of one but never discussed. I decided about 7 years ago that I no longer wanted to live my life as a cheater. I told myself that I would either ask for a divorce or stop cheating. I stopped cheating. 

I caught my husband again in January of this year, I caught him last year about the same time. I read the e-mails of how he loved her and she was his girlfriend and how she was the one for him. I read her e-mails back that she loved him as well. I thought maybe after the last internet thing that he had matured and we seem to be doing well w/the marriage. I confronted. He said he met her through e-mail and they had seen each other twice. She was going through a divorce and had 2 very young children (diapers & preschool). She was divorcing b/c her husband was an alcoholic. Little did she realize mine was too LOL. Ok have to put some humor in this.

I asked if he wanted to work it out or what his intentions were. I was thinking it was another one of his short lived "I need attention affairs" and that was it. He turned the question back to me and being very shaken, sad and hurt I said no. Boy he could not get off the couch fast enough to drive up to my son's college and tell him we were divorcing. I stopped him b/c this is NOT my kid's issue. It was his first year away at college and no way was my husband telling him ANYTHIING until it had to be done. After all these years, my husband is rattling off how we have not had a real marriage in many, many years (wtf is a real marriage?), how I do not give him enough affection (not necessarily sex) how I never seem happy and how he can't make me happy, how I always have put the kids first. The same **** he said to me the last 10 times I caught him. For the first time, I realized THIS IS NOT ABOUT ME. It has nothing to do with me. It is about his drinking, his inability to be happy with what he has, his inability to communicate with me, his inability to be content. He always needs to be needed to the point that it is revolting. Ok, we talk, we agree we will communicate better, he wanted to see a therapist as he seem to blame me for his lack of self worth, I bought books, I communicated, we had dates, and he said the affair was over. So 2 months later I find text messages from him to her. This time I was pissed. I told him he needed to leave. He initially refused. I told him I was done, I don't want to work it out. I have so much anxiety. My face tingles. I constantly feel like I don't measure up, I could never be the wife he thinks I should be, my opinion does not matter, he acts like I'm stupid. He left for 2 days and I was glad. It felt like heaven. So once again, we agreed to work it out. He changed his phone number, we went back to the church. He started really going to church like 2x a week and praying his rosary, the drinking seemed better. 

After all of this, I still feel from him no communication. Most of the time he wears his headphones and Ipod. He constantly is taking trips into town to get wood or whatever for the house. He never talks to me about anything unless it is kid related, house or dog related. He is not abusive to me but I feel abused. I feel like I cannot forget all the ****ty things he said to me about our marriage, all his cheating, all his insecurities. I'm so sick of being stressed. I know he will do it again, just a matter of time. I feel like we no longer have any type of relationship. I don't miss him when he is not around. I sometimes wonder if I would miss him if he just left and I never saw him again. 

A few nights ago, I climbed into bed after yet another day of being ignored and the same ole crap day in and day out and I whispered I don't think we should be together anymore. OMG I didn't like mean for it to come out. I was thinking it in my head. Hell I figured he was drunk anyway. He got so pissed and slept in the kid's room. The next morning I said I was sorry, I must of been dreaming or something. He said it was ok and appreciated the apology. Then for the rest of the day he wore his headphones and worked on the house. He never looks at me. Hell I could dye my hair blue and I swear he would not notice for days. He seems to poo-poo in opinions that I have. I have asked for his support with some kid issues and got none. I feel like I walk on pins and needles all the time. I just lost it last night when I found out he dried all my cloths until crisp. He normally will take my stuff out of the dryer. This just broke the camel's back. I blew. Again instead of talking he pouted and slept in the kid's room. He won't try to call me or talk to me about how I feel. He will simply act like nothing is wrong or give me the silent treatment. 

I think he is telling me that he no longer wants me as a partner. We are not working together but against each other. Please tell me what you think?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Well, what do you think?

Do you want your marriage or do you believe you are better off apart?

If you want the marriage, then what would it take from both of you?

If you don't want the marriage, what steps do you need to take to terminate it?

I will say though, that a marraige isn't much of a marriage if a third party(ies) is involved.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

6 or 7 beers plus shots? That's a mild day? I'd be under that table with just the shots!

How much is a bad day?


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