# Entitled Step Child



## Bruce74 (6 mo ago)

Needing to vent some as my therapist is not available. Wife and I have been married going on 5 years and she had a child before we were married. Step child is now 18 and wants girlfriend to move in because of safety issues with current family. This has been brought up many times with us being on different pages. Having a difficult time even wanting to entertain the thought of have another 18year old move in. Already have a 4year old with my wife and a small house. Therapist has mentioned that I should at least discuss with possible conditions. I have a list of things before we can even discuss but I have such a hard time fathoming why I'm having to even deal with this. He has a father with a big house. Wife doesn't want that as an option and wants them living with us. Stepchild has really struggled with school but is currently working. Has ADHD and going through transgender transition so can complicate things as well.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Bruce74 said:


> Needing to vent some as my therapist is not available. Wife and I have been married going on 5 years and she had a child before we were married. Step child is now 18 and wants girlfriend to move in because of safety issues with current family. This has been brought up many times with us being on different pages. Having a difficult time even wanting to entertain the thought of have another 18year old move in. Already have a 4year old with my wife and a small house. Therapist has mentioned that I should at least discuss with possible conditions. I have a list of things before we can even discuss but I have such a hard time fathoming why I'm having to even deal with this. He has a father with a big house. Wife doesn't want that as an option and wants them living with us. Stepchild has really struggled with school but is currently working. Has ADHD and going through transgender transition so can complicate things as well.


Why doesn't your wife want the teen (and the GF) to move in with the father? Would the teen and father both be okay with that plan? Is the father supportive of schooling, working, adhd management, transgender, etc?


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

Bruce74 said:


> Wife doesn't want that as an option and wants them living with us.


Then the decision has been made. She will always side with her child over you. So you have a couple of options; stay, keep your mouth shut and watch this train wreck take place, or leave. That's it. Don't argue with her because it won't do anything but turn her against you. This is why approximately 70% of second marriages, especially those involving children fail.


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## Bruce74 (6 mo ago)

bobert said:


> Why doesn't your wife want the teen (and the GF) to move in with the father? Would the teen and father both be okay with that plan? Is the father supportive of schooling, working, adhd management, transgender, etc?


Believe my wife feels guilt and she owes her child something. The father has had issues in the past but has been more involved lately. Believe he is supportive in all those things as he runs his own business and has had both of them work here and there at times. Going to continue to push this cause it does seem like best option but feel that it's going to get shot down


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

I don't know what is it with today's men that they can't have the balls to just say no to their women when crap like this happens. I would just say NO, ABSOLUTLY NOT, period. End of the discussion.


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## Bruce74 (6 mo ago)

That was my initial response when brought up a few years ago. And has continued about every 6months. I haven't entertained it. My therapist thought it might be.good to at least listen which I haven't. It came up again this morning. I still haven't listened. My biggest fear is they all eventually move in and raise my daughter


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Bruce74 said:


> That was my initial response when brought up a few years ago. And has continued about every 6months. I haven't entertained it. My therapist thought it might be.good to at least listen which I haven't. It came up again this morning. I still haven't listened. My biggest fear is they all eventually move in and raise my daughter



Then, just firmly tell your wife that it ends there. That you already gave her your answer, and that you don't want to hear it ever again.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Bruce74 said:


> Believe my wife feels guilt and she owes her child something. The father has had issues in the past but has been more involved lately. Believe he is supportive in all those things as he runs his own business and has had both of them work here and there at times. Going to continue to push this cause it does seem like best option but feel that it's going to get shot down


Sounds like you shouldn't have married someone with a child, to be honest. The smart thing to do here is just divorce, before you waste any more time.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Bruce74 said:


> Needing to vent some as my therapist is not available. Wife and I have been married going on 5 years and she had a child before we were married. Step child is now 18 and wants girlfriend to move in because of safety issues with current family. This has been brought up many times with us being on different pages. Having a difficult time even wanting to entertain the thought of have another 18year old move in. Already have a 4year old with my wife and a small house. Therapist has mentioned that I should at least discuss with possible conditions. I have a list of things before we can even discuss but I have such a hard time fathoming why I'm having to even deal with this. He has a father with a big house. Wife doesn't want that as an option and wants them living with us. Stepchild has really struggled with school but is currently working. Has ADHD and going through transgender transition so can complicate things as well.


You can make as many conditions and rules as you want but 18-year-olds aren't going to follow them. They have other options it sounds like.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

What are the safety issues with the current family? Is the girl working? Will it be for a set time till they get their own place?


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## Bruce74 (6 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> What are the safety issues with the current family? Is the girl working? Will it be for a set time till they get their own place?


Drugs and Alcohol and emotional abuse. She has worked with school people to help but believe part of the problem is she doesn't want to get her mom in trouble. They have had police over before. Figure there has got to be better ways to help then living with us


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Bruce74 said:


> Drugs and Alcohol and emotional abuse. She has worked with school people to help but believe part of the problem is she doesn't want to get her mom in trouble. They have had police over before. Figure there has got to be better ways to help then living with us


Bringing _anyone_ into the family home is going to be problematic, let alone a troubled girlfriend. I’m vetoing that idea in a heartbeat. Talk about drama!

You don’t need to discuss conditions if you are set against it.
I would tell your wife the same thing if she was set against it.

If you hold the line and your wife chooses the girlfriend over you then it sounds like you’re in the wrong marriage anyway.

I had a similar situation once with a manipulative teen who worked mommy against me. They almost had me convinced to consider it. I came to my senses and ended the whole discussion. Later many things were revealed that proved the whole thing was a setup by the teens.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Bruce74 said:


> *My therapist thought it might be.good to at least listen which I haven't.*


Therapists are quacks. If you haven't learned that yet, you eventually will, trust me.

But if you want to make her feel 'heard' and so she can no longer whine that you haven't given her a chance to present her side of the argument, then listen to her. But I sure as hell wouldn't say 'yes' no matter *WHAT* sob story she gives you. LISTEN to her, not roll over. There's a difference.

So in summary, nope, nope, and nope.

Oh yeah, and nope.

PS: "No" is a complete sentence.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> PS: "No" is a complete sentence.


I’m going to adopt this as my life motto.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

So the 18 year old wants to bring their lover into your home and play house rent free while you’re trying to raise a little kid. 

Last I knew 18 year olds could work full time and get their own place. They can even do things like vote, pay taxes, and figure out how to pay bills all by themselves! WEIRD!


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Hard no especially since you have a little one. 

No no no no no.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

If you wouldn't allow her to move a boyfriend in (and no way would I allow that, especially not at 18) then a girlfriend should be no different.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

No.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

I’m kind of amazed at how many people say don’t listen. What kind of marriage is yours that you and your wife can’t discuss things.

Of course you can object or say no but to not discuss is dismissive.

I’m also wondering who gave you the deciding vote? Why is your choice more important than hers?

I notice your only real objection seems to be the kid has a father with a larger house. While I do understand the desire to push this off on The kids ‘real’ dad you understand you live with his ‘real’ mother? The woman who divorced the dad and may have her own desire to parent?

Yes many second marriages with children fail. So your child may soon be a step child to husband 3. Cause if you refuse to even talk to her about how she wants to raise her kid….. then it’s not really a marriage.


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

Dude. 

Having an unrelated 18 year old female in your home is a potential legal liability should she decide to lodge a false accusation of sexual misconduct against you.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Anastasia6 said:


> I’m kind of amazed at how many people say don’t listen. What kind of marriage is yours that you and your wife can’t discuss things.
> 
> Of course you can object or say no but to not discuss is dismissive.
> 
> I’m also wondering who gave you the deciding vote? Why is your choice more important than hers?


My opinion:
On matters outside the home and outside the marriage I completely agree with you.

But when one spouse wants to bring a third party into the marital home, or bed, or marriage, then either spouse has veto power without a need to hear the rationalization. Same thing goes for pregnancy.

_Alternatives_ can and should be discussed. But disrupting the home does not have to be on the table when one spouse declines. The other spouse should respect that and neither spouse has the right to “do it anyway”.

The downside is the resentment it might cause by not compromising on things important to one spouse. But that’s a different issue, to be handled seperately.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Bruce74 said:


> Therapist has mentioned that I should at least discuss with possible conditions.


I'm not keen on therapists who tell you what you should do. But "be prepared to discuss" is usually good advice.



Bruce74 said:


> *because of safety issues with current family*


That sounds like it might be an important factor, and you kind of skipped quickly over it. What's _your_ evaluation of that?


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

I'm not sayin 


BeyondRepair007 said:


> My opinion:
> On matters outside the home and outside the marriage I completely agree with you.
> 
> But when one spouse wants to bring a third party into the marital home, or bed, or marriage, then either spouse has veto power without a need to hear the rationalization. Same thing goes for pregnancy.
> ...


I'm not saying a spouse wouldn't have veto power but no discussion is going to build resentment. In addition if something happens to this girl that resentment will be forever on the step sons part. 

By not listening you are indicating you have no care for others.

Part of the discussion can be why you won't agree. Alternatives other than dads other house and such like that.


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## Bruce74 (6 mo ago)

Anastasia6 said:


> I’m kind of amazed at how many people say don’t listen. What kind of marriage is yours that you and your wife can’t discuss things.
> 
> Of course you can object or say no but to not discuss is dismissive.
> 
> ...


This is along the lines of discussing with my therapist. Dismissive is the word she had used as well. I can always listen but don't have to agree.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

Diceplayer said:


> Then the decision has been made. She will always side with her child over you. So you have a couple of options; stay, keep your mouth shut and watch this train wreck take place, or leave. That's it. Don't argue with her because it won't do anything but turn her against you. This is why approximately 70% of second marriages, especially those involving children fail.


70%?


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## Bruce74 (6 mo ago)

Laurentium said:


> I'm not keen on therapists who tell you what you should do. But "be prepared to discuss" is usually good advice.
> 
> 
> That sounds like it might be an important factor, and you kind of skipped quickly over it. What's _your_ evaluation of that?


Yes, she does seem like a good kid that is under the wrong roof but I don't know a lot of the details. From what I have heard the biggest problems I have are she has been afraid to report things against her parents and the other is that it's been ongoing.....for 18 years. I don't even know if she is aware if they want her to move in. I will say i do feel resentful of both of them for pushing this topic.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Bruce74 said:


> Yes, she does seem like a good kid that is under the wrong roof but I don't know a lot of the details. From what I have heard the biggest problems I have are she has been afraid to report things against her parents and the other is that it's been ongoing.....for 18 years. I don't even know if she is aware if they want her to move in. I will say i do feel resentful of both of them for pushing this topic.


Are there younger siblings in her household? If so, why don't YOU call Child Protective Services and have them look in on the family.

There might be legitimate abuse there or this may just be a disgruntled older teen. It's intolerable for some (like me) to live with parents beyond a certain age. It's natural to rebel and leave the nest and not get along with your parents then as a way of separating and becoming an adult, but it doesn't make as a very nice period under their roof. 

And it won't make as a nice period under yours either. You should listen to this girl's story, not some secondhand version from your child or wife. Then you should see if there's legit abuse going on, report it if there is (only if there's younger siblings because 18, she's an adult free to get two jobs and move in with 4 roommates). Chances are, they are just looking for a free place to live together, honestly. So one discussion should be how no one will ever live there without splitting the bills and mortgage. I guarantee that will get rid of them. 

Maybe you can help some other way if there's a real need, like help find these two jobs. If one has ADHD and they're trans, going by the popular trend the last couple of years, they may just really only want whatever's free. 

Is your teen working? Going to school? Paying rent?


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## Bruce74 (6 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Are there younger siblings in her household? If so, why don't YOU call Child Protective Services and have them look in on the family.
> 
> There might be legitimate abuse there or this may just be a disgruntled older teen. It's intolerable for some (like me) to live with parents beyond a certain age. It's natural to rebel and leave the nest and not get along with your parents then as a way of separating and becoming an adult, but it doesn't make as a very nice period under their roof.
> 
> ...


Yes there are siblings involved...but since she is 18 now like you said, can find roommates etc.and a job.

My stepchild does have a job and is happy there. School has been a problem. I'm not even sure she graduated a few months ago as it's been real complicated there as well. She has filed a sexual harrasment.case against another student but at the same time they told her she would not graduate and would have to finish up at community college


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Bruce74 said:


> Drugs and Alcohol and emotional abuse. She has worked with school people to help but believe part of the problem is she doesn't want to get her mom in trouble. They have had police over before. Figure there has got to be better ways to help then living with us


Does she work? If they are both working can they afford to rent a little place?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Bruce74 said:


> Yes there are siblings involved...but since she is 18 now like you said, can find roommates etc.and a job.
> 
> My stepchild does have a job and is happy there. School has been a problem. I'm not even sure she graduated a few months ago as it's been real complicated there as well. She has filed a sexual harrasment.case against another student but at the same time they told her she would not graduate and would have to finish up at community college


If you talk to her and she insists that there is abuse in the home you can report it to child protective services for the benefit or for younger siblings. It might or might not be true. But that doesn't mean you have to be the one who takes her in. Sounds like a load of trouble that will only bring trouble to your household one way or the other. This is going to be a deal-breaker for your wife, then you will know that you have this to look forward to going into the future with grandchildren and every other stray they bring in.


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## Bruce74 (6 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> Does she work? If they are both working can they afford to rent a little place?


That's what I am thinking as well. Step child does work but girlfriend doesnt.Believe she interns. They would need multiple people but she has friends that are probably in similar scenario. She has befriended the owner at the place she works


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

One reason you want to investigate what she's telling you besides that there could be some endangered kids there is that they both need to know that they aren't going to just be able to tell you stories to get what they want but that you are definitely going to dig down and get the facts. That very well could put a stop to a lot of this right away.

It's kind of the same theory that if you have someone who says they're going to kill themselves, you just call the police. That way if it's serious the police are authorized to put them somewhere and if it's not they'll never do that again.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Anastasia6 said:


> I’m kind of amazed at how many people say don’t listen. What kind of marriage is yours that you and your wife can’t discuss things.


He has listened enough, and he is not on board. This is what he stated:



Bruce74 said:


> This has been brought up many times with us being on different pages.


So, she wants him to accept it. 

I'm not him, but if I were him, I would say, ENOUGH, I already said NO. I don't want to hear it again. End of the discussion.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Rob_1 said:


> He has listened enough, and he is not on board. This is what he stated:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I got the impression the topic has been brought up but not discussed. Hence the counselor saying try listening.

If they truly have discussed it then that's different.

I know I would not respond well to all the **** about NO! or Enough. I'm an adult in a equal partnership. I do allow my spouse to veto me as well as he allows me to veto him. But discussion is always allowed. Of course our discussions are actual discussions and we respect each other and actually listen and don't argue or yell or get bent out of shape.

If he wanted to not have a discussion but just put his foot down, I'm afraid he'd find out I don't live under his foot and we'd be splitting the roof.

I know I'd be very concerned about this young woman. I'd be worried about what impact it would have on my son. But then again I have let several people move in and live with me when they needed it. It hasn't always made me happy but I've always felt it was right. 

So I'm probably biased. I'm also very strong minded and wouldn't never marry or stay married to a man that felt leadership looked like dismissive pig headedness.

No I don't alway get my way. My husband has not problem telling me his opinion and no problem having me act on his wishes. But it's never a command. I have quit 2 good jobs from his wishes.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Anastasia6 said:


> I got the impression the topic has been brought up but not discussed. Hence the counselor saying try listening.
> 
> If they truly have discussed it then that's different.
> 
> ...


Two good jobs is what both these kids need to solve their problem. Or even two lousy jobs. Any two jobs would do it.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Step son has a job and girl has an intership. Doesn't sound like they are doing nothing. And if I was an ADHD's parent who hadn't graduated high school yet there's no way I'd be pushing him out of the house. That's a great way to ensure he doesn't get a high school diploma.

But there are alternative. They can have the kids explore rent subsidies. If she's doing an internship she's either still in high school or maybe in college. There are student loans for college. 

My point isn't that she has to live there. My point no discussion is dismissive. I agree with his counselor. But as Rob pointed out maybe I misread and they have discussed it. I read it that it's been brought up but not discussed.




DownByTheRiver said:


> Two good jobs is what both these kids need to solve their problem. Or even two lousy jobs. Any two jobs would do it.


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## Bruce74 (6 mo ago)

When it was initially brought up I told her it was not on the.table to discuss. Over the years it has been brought up randomly where I let her speak without me saying much. I have then mentioned to her at times about moving in with the father which was shot down and them finding there own place which was shot down. Feeling I'm being forced to compromise but the comprise is moving in with conditions. That is why I feel the need to just say no end of discussion. Our talks have never included all parties and discussing.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I'm with you, OP. I wouldn't want an adult friend of a child to move into my house, especially since as you say, space is an issue _and you have a young child_.

I think a partner can give a hard no to another unrelated adult moving until your home. It's an invasive and life changing move.

It's either unanimous or it's a no on an issue like this.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

So question.

You have been for years trying to get the step son to live with dad?

Or they have been trying to move this girl into the house?


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## Bruce74 (6 mo ago)

Anastasia6 said:


> So question.
> 
> You have been for years trying to get the step son to live with dad?
> 
> Or they have been trying to move this girl into the house?


No, I have not been pushing for stepchild to leave. If she wants to live with her girlfriend that's where I have been suggesting. We live in a 2.bedroom home. My daughter is currently sharing room with us. We had talked about adding onto house but home additions her are ridiculously high.


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## Bruce74 (6 mo ago)

Bruce74 said:


> No, I have not been pushing for stepchild to leave. If she wants to live with her girlfriend that's where I have been suggesting. We live in a 2.bedroom home. My daughter is currently sharing room with us. We had talked about adding onto house but home additions her are ridiculously high.


This I more than a friend. This is a relationship.


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## Bruce74 (6 mo ago)

We scheduled time to talk tomorrow. Want to listen but feel they are looking for compromise of some sort whatever that is. Honestly I can see moving in not going well. There is no accountability if something goes wrong. My daughter likes the girlfriend and can see them using that against me. How would she or they ever be asked to leave? Even if conditions are put in place. Stepchild has been good at manipulating and pushing boundaries with my wife


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Bruce74 said:


> We scheduled time to talk tomorrow. Want to listen but feel they are looking for compromise of some sort whatever that is. Honestly I can see moving in not going well. There is no accountability if something goes wrong. My daughter likes the girlfriend and can see them using that against me. How would she or they ever be asked to leave? Even if conditions are put in place. Stepchild has been good at manipulating and pushing boundaries with my wife


I want you let them in if they want to stay, you'll never get rid of them. Listen and repeat back what you're being told and at the end of it tell them no. Offer any other solutions or if there's abuse going on in that home report it and get it on somebody else's hands.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Bruce74 said:


> When it was initially brought up I told her it was not on the.table to discuss. *Over the years it has been brought up* randomly where I let her speak without me saying much. *I have then mentioned to her at times about moving in with the father *which was shot down and them finding there own place which was shot down. Feeling I'm being forced to compromise but the comprise is moving in with conditions. That is why I feel the need to just say no end of discussion. Our talks have never included all parties and discussing.





Bruce74 said:


> *No, I have not been pushing for stepchild to leave*. If she wants to live with her girlfriend that's where I have been suggesting. We live in a 2.bedroom home. My daughter is currently sharing room with us. We had talked about adding onto house but home additions her are ridiculously high.


So they've been trying to get this girl to live in your house for years?


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## Bruce74 (6 mo ago)

Yes. About 2-3 years. My wife mentioned she would have no problem with her moving in. That's when I said it wasn't open for discussion. They were both about 15 at the time. Believe they were just friends at the time but was still uncomfortable.


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## Bruce74 (6 mo ago)

Feel like the thing they will try to work in is that my step child is going through operation to switch gender and apparently has put the girlfriend as caretaker.


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## Bluesclues (Mar 30, 2016)

Bruce74 said:


> We scheduled time to talk tomorrow. Want to listen but feel they are looking for compromise of some sort whatever that is. Honestly I can see moving in not going well. There is no accountability if something goes wrong. My daughter likes the girlfriend and can see them using that against me. How would she or they ever be asked to leave? Even if conditions are put in place. Stepchild has been good at manipulating and pushing boundaries with my wife


It is a discussion which means they will also need to listen to your thoughts on the matter. Shutting someone down with just a “no” about something big that impacts you all without listening first is not cool, so I am glad you are opening up communication on it. But a discussion does not mean you end in a compromise. It just means the other party has been heard and you have been heard. I would suggest that you plan to end this discussion with no resolution in the moment. Say “you have given me some things to think about, let me sit with this” and then actually think about it. 

I would probably be like your wife and want to help this person but it is a really bad idea. Depending on your state laws you may not legally be able to get this person to leave without an eviction process. But you really don’t need to have a counter-argument to all of their reasons to want them to move in. In the final decision it is perfectly acceptable for you to say that your gut says this is a bad decision for your family and will have a negative impact on your quality of life. You certainly don’t have to come up with alternative solutions to their problems.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I don't have too much patience so I would probably have already told her somebody needs to get an apartment and I hope it's not me.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Are these people who could get pregnant?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

All of this in a 2 bedroom house? You already have 3 adults (you, your wife, the 18 year old step child) and a young child living there and they want to add a 5th person to a 2 bedroom house??

That's madness.

Total lack of judgment on the part of your wife


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

Nope. Plenty of jobs out there. GTFO.


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## Bruce74 (6 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Are these people who could get pregnant?


They have t9ld me no because she has been on hormone therapy for transition


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Bruce74 said:


> They have t9ld me no because she has been on hormone therapy for transition


I wonder. On hormone birth control, forgetting and skipping one can get you pregnant and it's not 100% anyway although it's very close to it. I don't know how what they're on compares to that.


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## Bruce74 (6 mo ago)

Livvie said:


> All of this in a 2 bedroom house? You already have 3 adults (you, your wife, the 18 year old step child) and a young child living there and they want to add a 5th person to a 2 bedroom house??
> 
> That's madness.
> 
> Total lack of judgment on the part of your wife


1200 Sq ft... and if anyone has lived with someone with ADHD it 2folds the amount of work. Organization and following though with daily chores is not easy for them


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## Bruce74 (6 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I wonder. On hormone birth control, forgetting and skipping one can get you pregnant and it's not 100% anyway although it's very close to it. I don't know how what they're on compares to that.


Believe it's Estrogen...she is showing female attributes


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

Is this a MTF transition?


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I wonder. On hormone birth control, forgetting and skipping one can get you pregnant and it's not 100% anyway although it's very close to it. I don't know how what they're on compares to that.


Hang on...aren't they both biologically female? So they can't get pregnant?

Regardless, I wouldn't care if I had 5 spare bedrooms, no teenage lover, regardless of gender/same/opposite sex relationship would be moving into my home. My children/step children will always have a home with me, but not their partners.

Partners/friends would always be welcome to visit of course, no problem there at all.


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## Bruce74 (6 mo ago)

My daughter is a bright spot in our lives. Wonder what all the drama could do


OnTheRocks said:


> Is this a MTF transition?


Yes it is


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## Bruce74 (6 mo ago)

frusdil said:


> Hang on...aren't they both biologically female? So they can't get pregnant?
> 
> Regardless, I wouldn't care if I had 5 spare bedrooms, no teenage lover, regardless of gender/same/opposite sex relationship would be moving into my home. My children/step children will always have a home with me, but not their partners.
> 
> Partners/friends would always be welcome to visit of course, no problem there at all.


No, step child is male transitioning to female


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

OnTheRocks said:


> Is this a MTF transition?





Bruce74 said:


> Yes it is


Yikes, so pregnancy is a potential risk.


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

Regardless, this is your life and (small) home, and you have a toddler. Employers are literally begging for workers. GTFO.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Bruce74 said:


> Believe it's Estrogen...she is showing female attributes


Is there a biological female involved or no?


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## Bruce74 (6 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Is there a biological female involved or no?


Yes there is...I know it's complicated


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Bruce74 said:


> Yes there is...I know it's complicated


I'm thinking the biological female could possibly get pregnant. And might not even be by your step child. 

You have a right to say no to this, you're a very smart guy I'm certainly used to mothers choosing their grown children over anyone else, but it is a reach too far to extend that to their
friends or who they're dating.


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## Bruce74 (6 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I'm thinking the biological female could possibly get pregnant. And might not even be by your step child.
> 
> You have a right to say no to this, you're a very smart guy I'm certainly used to mothers choosing their grown children over anyone else, but it is a reach too far to extend that to their
> friends or who they're dating.


Interesting point. I didn't think about that regarding someone else.

Wife has already said she is like family because of how she has helped our stepchild through the transition


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

Sounds like they are old enough to take steps to be independent adults. Focus on your toddler, who relies on you 100%. Keep drama out of your home.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Bruce74 said:


> Interesting point. I didn't think about that regarding someone else.
> 
> Wife has already said she is like family because of how she has helped our stepchild through the transition


No. There is just no theory under which you should let someone who is perfectly capable of making their own living and getting their own place squat at your house. This is going to be a financial burden as well as a space burden and a possible bad example for your other children.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

It _might_ be different if you had a HUGE house and no minor child, but even then it would be a big stretch to let another adult just live with you. For many that's an enormous invasive act. 

Given your living space, though, it's concerning your wife is pushing for this. 

How is your relationship otherwise????


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## Bruce74 (6 mo ago)

Livvie said:


> It _might_ be different if you had a HUGE house and no minor child, but even then it would be a big stretch to let another adult just live with you. For many that's an enormous invasive act.
> 
> Given your living space, though, it's concerning your wife is pushing for this.
> 
> How is your relationship otherwise????


Relationship has been struggling....I believe mostly related to this. Feel that she is resentful towards me. I have suggested seeking family therapist in the past which we have attended a few sessions hoping to get into this topic. Although everything we get out of a session things don't go well. I'm looking to spend time and right now shevsays she doesn't have time. Another thing is she is a going back to finish up her masters program. It's been tough from that aspect.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Bruce74 said:


> Relationship has been struggling....I believe mostly related to this. Feel that she is resentful towards me. I have suggested seeking family therapist in the past which we have attended a few sessions hoping to get into this topic. Although everything we get out of a session things don't go well. I'm looking to spend time and right now shevsays she doesn't have time. Another thing is she is a going back to finish up her masters program. It's been tough from that aspect.


Well yes this kind of thing can definitely build resentment. You resent them bringing it up frequently. She resent that you have different values about family.

Many second marriages fail due to disagreement about step-children.

Did your counselor address any of that?


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## Bruce74 (6 mo ago)

Yes the counselor has brought up resentment and talked to us about it. But when she asks my wife are there any things bothering her she says there are no issues and points to me as having the issues. According to her everything is ok.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I doubt your wife would be able to find a man okay living in a 2 bedroom house packed with 4 people already, being okay with inviting a fifth ADULT to live with you. In a 2 bedroom house.


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## Bruce74 (6 mo ago)

Livvie said:


> I doubt your wife would be able to find a man okay living in a 2 bedroom house packed with 4 people already, being okay with inviting a fifth ADULT to live with you. In a 2 bedroom house.


Sort of my biggest fear. I can see her rather leaning on the 2 18year old to help raise our daughter.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@Bruce74

If I were in your shoes, I'd find a way to get the girlfriend out of the picture. She's interfering in your family life. Yes, it's your stepson who is pushing this. But she's pushing your stepson. She's a young lady who apparently has a very bad family situation. She needs to break away from her family. That does not mean to then move into your home. it means for her to become independent. This is a discussion that you might be able to win with your wife. 

She might be able to apply to some school or education program that would get her scholarships, grants, etc. Look into the Job Corps. It's the largest Free residential education and job training program for young adults ages 16–24. They provide their student residents with the skills and education. Here's more about them: Job Corps - Wikipedia 

Shoot, your stepson might be able to get into a Job Corps program as well. These two kids, your stepson and his girlfriend moving into your home will disrupt your home life and it will harm the two of them because it will stunt their growth into becoming self-supporting, independent adults. This is the argument to use with your wife.

Like many Americans, when I found myself at a point in my life where I was going nowhere, I joined the US Army with a 4-year enlistment. It changed my life for the better. And when I got out, I had the GI Bill and used it to get degrees in Computer Science. A lot of American youth have done this for a very long time.

Babies are so cute and lovable so that we will put in the effort to love and care them. Teens are obnoxious and rebellious so that we will kick them out and enable them to become independent. So, help your stepson and his girlfriend start that road to becoming responsible adults.


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## Bruce74 (6 mo ago)

EleGirl said:


> @Bruce74
> 
> If I were in your shoes, I'd find a way to get the girlfriend out of the picture. She's interfering in your family life. Yes, it's your stepson who is pushing this. But she's pushing your stepson. She's a young lady who apparently has a very bad family situation. She needs to break away from her family. That does not mean to then move into your home. it means for her to become independent. This is a discussion that you might be able to win with your wife.
> 
> ...


Appreciate that response. I'm hoping my wife sees that as well. Job Corps looks great. I had not heard of that. Believe there is help out there but they want the easy way out never learning accountability and responsibility.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Bruce74 said:


> Appreciate that response. I'm hoping my wife sees that as well. Job Corps looks great. I had not heard of that. Believe there is help out there but they want the easy way out never learning accountability and responsibility.


I don't know where you live, but if in the US, there are "Help wanted" signs in every window right now. She has no excuse not to be employed, even if she is still doing some schooling. If you're somewhere else, I don't know the situation there, but I do know young people are snapped up by employers -- not at a big beginning wage, mind you, but they're wanted. Now, I also don't know how crazy she looks and if she's doing things to impede her ability to be accepted, but if so, she needs to be counseled to make herself marketable. But even crazy looking people can get jobs. They're just not going to end up in an accounting office. 

But that isn't your problem. She has to learn to survive not by mooching. Your stepchild is in a position to help her all on his own by getting them a place to live with some other kids.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Bruce74 said:


> Appreciate that response. I'm hoping my wife sees that as well. Job Corps looks great. I had not heard of that. Believe there is help out there but they want the easy way out never learning accountability and responsibility.


I think if you don't stand up to your wife on this, you're going to be supporting houseful from now on.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

They move in good luck on getting them out. You cave you’ll be sorry.
Apparently getting you to sit down and just listen is to crack the door open to get what they want. You don’t matter much.
I’d quit paying the therapist. I’m sure next up is why can’t you just get along.
They need you to step up and be their doormat.
When it comes to therapists about all you accomplish is paying for their childrens college fund.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Sounds like you shouldn't have married someone with a child, to be honest. The smart thing to do here is just divorce, before you waste any more time.


You shouldn’t have married someone with a child who wants to take advantage of you and use you for your finances to help make their lives easier. I’d bet if you open your eyes you’ll see you are just a checkbook.
Now they are ramping it up more. The therapist is there to help them not you.
Some men have a tough time thinking with their head versus their heart which will betray them. You need a therapist for what? To tell you what you already know? 
They keep coming back every time and now their therapist wants you to listen. How sweet.
Obviously your wife knows she can manipulate you so she keeps at it because she’s banking on you caving. 
Did you marry her, her kid and now the kids girlfriend? 
You have a choice. Be a man or you wife’s doormat.


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## CrAzYdOgLaDy (Mar 22, 2021)

Moving them in would be a massive mistake. Have seen this happen many times. Now they are both 18 try and encourage them to rent their own place, even if sharing a room in a house share. That will keep rent down. Not read whole post but do either work? Whatever you do do not agree they can move in.


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## Bruce74 (6 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I don't know where you live, but if in the US, there are "Help wanted" signs in every window right now. She has no excuse not to be employed, even if she is still doing some schooling. If you're somewhere else, I don't know the situation there, but I do know young people are snapped up by employers -- not at a big beginning wage, mind you, but they're wanted. Now, I also don't know how crazy she looks and if she's doing things to impede her ability to be accepted, but if so, she needs to be counseled to make herself marketable. But even crazy looking people can get jobs. They're just not going to end up in an accounting office.
> 
> But that isn't your problem. She has to learn to survive not by mooching. Your stepchild is in a position to help her all on his own by getting them a place to live with some other kids.


Yes. There are job wanted posters every where around here. It astounds me when they don't have jobs. Seems to be the wave of this generation. I totally agree with what you are saying. 
I talked to my wife and we were able to discuss. She brought up her thoughts and reasons while I brought up mine regarding concerns including a lot mentioned in these here posts.. We eventually agreed she will not be moving in. We will talk to them to see how to help out in other ways. Whether it helping her find a job or continuing with school, if our stepchild wants to stay at home and finish school while working that is fine. But if they want to support the girlfriend they will have to find a place. I told her we can help them find a place. 

Appreciate everyone's responses and thoughts on the matter.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Bruce74 said:


> Yes. There are job wanted posters every where around here. It astounds me when they don't have jobs. Seems to be the wave of this generation. I totally agree with what you are saying.
> I talked to my wife and we were able to discuss. She brought up her thoughts and reasons while I brought up mine regarding concerns including a lot mentioned in these here posts.. We eventually agreed she will not be moving in. We will talk to them to see how to help out in other ways. Whether it helping her find a job or continuing with school, if our stepchild wants to stay at home and finish school while working that is fine. But if they want to support the girlfriend they will have to find a place. I told her we can help them find a place.
> 
> Appreciate everyone's responses and thoughts on the matter.


That is great news and I know it's a huge weight off your shoulders. Maybe she needs some life coaching, but I agree there seems to be an epidemic of not wanting to work and just expecting people to give you stuff right now.

I assume she doesn't have transportation, unless your stepchild is hauling her around. But there are so many help wanted signs right now that she should be able to take a job as a server in a restaurant or sacker. She could probably go to just about any warehouse in town and get a job pulling orders since online shopping is such a huge deal now. If it were me I would write down the names and addresses I like variety of things like that you are hiring and your stepchild take her over there and let her walk in and ask for an application to apply for a job.

I know someone on here was astounded that you wouldn't just approach that online but if someone has a help wanted sign out you can walk right in and apply for the job and you'll have a lot better luck than if you submit an application online and wait for someone to choose yours. 

If she does it now while she's still 18 and everyone knows she's just been in school then she won't really need a resume which is what so many people worry about. But that's to worry about after you've put off getting a job to long after leaving school.


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## Bruce74 (6 mo ago)

Yes, my stepchild is hauling her around. There a lot of places however in walking distances. Stepchild's dad is supposed to be giving her a beater car soon. She has been talking about working at same place as step child. Not sure why she hasn't jumped on that because I believe they are friends with owner. I'm sure I will find out more when we get to talking


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

So you managed to have an actual discussion with your wife and not have the GF move in. That's good. I hope this encourages you to actual talk with your wife about issues. 

No it won't just go away either but at least neither of you need to feel marginalized in your marriage or dismissed.

Hope it continues to go well.


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