# I just wish i was someone else



## BIL310 (Apr 26, 2017)

I have another post somewhere in the forum (about my infidelity) but that's in the past now. I'm back with my Wife and things are going well except for my financial situation which is causing issues for both of us.

I've never had a job and i'm almost 40. When i say never had a job i mean i've always worked for myself. I've had my own companies. Things haven't gone too well the last couple of years and i stupidly personally guaranteed some business loans which i'm now liable to pay as the company has liquidated. I've launched a new company which hasn't taken off the way i'd hoped although it still early days. I have around 3 months to get this off the ground. 

If it doesn't work i'm going to have to get a job. And this goes against everything i believe in. I haven't got anything against people who work for other people but it's not me. The thought of having to be somewhere for a certain amount of time each day and people telling me what to do just fills me anxiety and depression. I also hate living in the UK. I despise the weather. The goal for the new company was to generate enough money to enable the family to move to Spain. By having to get a job will almost certainly mean i'll be facing bankruptcy (due to personal guarantees on a previous company) and having to forget all about everything i've ever worked for. 

I always had a goal to be a millionaire by the time i was 30, yet here i am nearly 10 years later facing bankruptcy and i just don't know who i am anymore. I'm the type of person who sees nice houses and cars (and i mean £1m+ houses, Ferraris etc) and think i'll get one of them one day. I'll be able to travel the world and earn income passively and i'm heading somewhere now which couldn't be any further away.

I've also never had more money than i owed out since i was 21. Sure i've earned quite a lot of money had nice holidays around the world but i've always had business overdrafts and loans and it looks like things are finally coming to a head. I just feel lost. Angry. A Failure. 

Feeling sorry for myself isn't going to get me anywhere and i know every single decision i've ever made has led me to where i am now. I just wish i was someone else. Someone who could quite happily get a job and be ok with 4 weeks holiday a year etc but i'm not. And the fact that it looks like i can't have the life i've spent 20 years working towards i feel in no mans land. I honestly think if i didn't have 2 kids i'd have killed myself a few months back. 

I know people have their own problems and i love my wife and kids but i just look at other people and think i wish i was you. Not particularly because of this or that just because it means at least i wouldn't be me anymore.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

What you wrote is pretty much part of life and being an adult. Most of us don't get exactly what I want. 

Remember the words of the great philosopher 



> You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes you get what you need.


_Mick Jagger_​


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## oldtruck (Feb 15, 2018)

Spending money as if it grows on trees.

Your problem is you have beer income yet insist on living fine wine.

Why is it that your businesses keep failing?


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## 482 (Mar 14, 2017)

I owned my own business for about 15 years before I moved on to a job. I do not regret the transition. I now have financial security I can rest on and the ability to take a real vacation with worrying about the business. Also when I start my next business I will do it while employed. This way I will have the security in place if for one reason or another the business does not work out. John Goodman in "The Gambler" refers to this type of thinking as operating form a position of **** you and I appreciate that analogy. You seem young and wrapped up in passive income. I was you. One thing I know now that I did not know then is that the "4 hour work week" is virtually impossible for most people. Plan on a more realistic 40 hours a week whether you are working for yourself or someone else. Slow down, manage your money better, no need for dreaming about mansions and maseratis when you have to claim bankruptcy due to bad financial planning.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

@BIL310
I don't want to me mean, but your expectations are unrealistic. Everyone works for someone - if you own a business, you are working for your customers, and they can be more demanding and less rational than any normal boss. You wanted a million $ by the time you were 30. What did you do to get that when others didin't? Were you putting in 80 hour weeks constantly? Do you have a truly innovative idea and the skills needed to bring that to market?

The great majority of people are not millionaires by the time they are 30, even those who work quite hard at becoming wealthy. It does happen but it takes a combination of serious hard work, skill and luck to get there.

That said, there are many people who work reasonably hard and are comfortable financially, whether they work for a company, or for themselves

So - you need to adjust your expectations to reality. What about you makes you able to earn a lot more money than the average hard working person. Then play to that strength


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## BIL310 (Apr 26, 2017)

482 said:


> I owned my own business for about 15 years before I moved on to a job. I do not regret the transition. I now have financial security I can rest on and the ability to take a real vacation with worrying about the business. Also when I start my next business I will do it while employed. This way I will have the security in place if for one reason or another the business does not work out. John Goodman in "The Gambler" refers to this type of thinking as operating form a position of **** you and I appreciate that analogy. You seem young and wrapped up in passive income. I was you. One thing I know now that I did not know then is that the "4 hour work week" is virtually impossible for most people. Plan on a more realistic 40 hours a week whether you are working for yourself or someone else. Slow down, manage your money better, no need for dreaming about mansions and maseratis when you have to claim bankruptcy due to bad financial planning.


Thanks for the reply. I got no problem working 40 hours a week or even more and regularly do so. 

I get bored sitting around watching tv so technically I’m always working whether it’s on my phone or laptop, I don’t know any other way.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Have you any idea of the amount of millionaires who went broke on at least one occasion? But this didn’t stop them from trying again. 
You need a job to pay your bills but this doesn’t mean you can’t have a side business. I have a feeling though that you think being self employed is easy. When I started my own company for the first two years I put in a minimum of a hundred hours each week and I was living off savings because I was trying to develop a system.
Most bankruptcy cases in the uk are discharged in one year. However your credit report will note the bankruptcy for up to six years. 
What is it that you think is going to make you rich. I reckon after so many years of trying you may need to rethink your strategy. 
By the way hearing someone say that they had a goal to be a millionaire by thirty is like listening to a five year old declare she’s going to be a movie star. In other words meaningless.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

The dream of being a millionaire before 30 is a dream most all young folks have and it is rare it happens.

Now I'm a believer that passion, integrity, intelligence, practicality and a bit of luck can make it happen but is by far not a guarantee. 


And the ability to see reality.

The best advice; realize everyone has bosses.

Customers are an Owners boss, as well as his work force.

Take what you've learned, and apply in in future endeavors. No successful person ever stops learning. 

Do what you've got to do, plan farther ahead.

Good luck.


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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

There’s nothing wrong with having a 40 hour job and running a business on the side. Perhaps living in a multi-unit and renting out the other units.

It’s also best to focus on an idea and providing an exceptional product or service, rather than on just making profits.

You’re lucky your wife stood by you through all that.


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## BIL310 (Apr 26, 2017)

CraigBesuden said:


> There’s nothing wrong with having a 40 hour job and running a business on the side. Perhaps living in a multi-unit and renting out the other units.


The main problem for me is having to work for someone. I think I’ll last about an hour. As soon as they told me what to do or spoke to me the wrong way I’d tell them what I thought of them and be out the door.


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## 482 (Mar 14, 2017)

BIL310 said:


> The main problem for me is having to work for someone. I think I’ll last about an hour. As soon as they told me what to do or spoke to me the wrong way I’d tell them what I thought of them and be out the door.


I felt the same way until I actually did it. I work with people now that I can literally tell to **** off if necessary, this includes the boss. If necessary they will also tell me the same, its refreshing.

Let me ask you this, in your opinion;

Why do these businesses continue to fail while others doing the same thing succeed?


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## BIL310 (Apr 26, 2017)

482 said:


> BIL310 said:
> 
> 
> > The main problem for me is having to work for someone. I think I’ll last about an hour. As soon as they told me what to do or spoke to me the wrong way I’d tell them what I thought of them and be out the door.
> ...


A multitude of reasons. To be honest I’d like the nice cars and fancy houses etc but they’re not my priority. Haven’t been for a long time.

My priority is that earning x amount of money gives me freedom. Freedom to do whatever I want when I went. Simple things not necessarily expensive.


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## 482 (Mar 14, 2017)

BIL310 said:


> A multitude of reasons.


Can you list some?


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

There are A LOT of jobs that you can do independently, you just have to brainstorm to figure out what suits you.

Photography, writing, computers, uber driver, cleaning, etc.

Not everyone is suited to an office environment. You're not alone in that. 




BIL310 said:


> The main problem for me is having to work for someone. I think I’ll last about an hour. As soon as they told me what to do or spoke to me the wrong way I’d tell them what I thought of them and be out the door.


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## BIL310 (Apr 26, 2017)

482 said:


> BIL310 said:
> 
> 
> > A multitude of reasons.
> ...


Execution.
Strategy.
Planning.
Belief.


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## 482 (Mar 14, 2017)

BIL310 said:


> Execution.
> Strategy.
> Planning.
> Belief.


Learn from past mistakes. In the business that generated the debit what was the money spent on that was borrowed?


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Many of the self made successful people I know worked a full time job and started their businesses on the side. That way you have income and benefits to support your family, and your start up isn't a make or break endeavour. Sure eventually you need to step off the ledge, but you can do it from a position of confidence knowing you have an established business. Something for you to consider.


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## BIL310 (Apr 26, 2017)

482 said:


> BIL310 said:
> 
> 
> > Execution.
> ...


I had my previous company from 2001-2017. Yes it was started organically then borrowed.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

I get that you want to work for yourself, and find success that way, but not everyone is cracked up for being an entrepreneur; most people have to work for someone else for a living. There’s no shame in that. I’m sorry that you wish you were someone else; I know that feeling well, and it’s not pleasant. That and the depression that brings is something that you have to fight through. Have you thought about talking to a therapist?

If you’re having thoughts of suicide, you most definitely need to get some help.

If I were you, I would also stop focussing so much energy on travelling the world and buying expensive cars, and focus more on your marriage, your kids, and what makes everyone happy. My guess is that it wouldn’t be a ferrari.


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## 482 (Mar 14, 2017)

Wishing you were someone else is likely a strong indication that you need to make some changes to yourself. 

Could you earn a good living in a particular profession? 

Have you considered trying a job to see how you like it? Only asking because I think you stated that you have never worked for anyone. If this is true how do you know you will hate it? 

I can tell you with 100% conviction that 10 years ago I said the same things about working for someone else. Today I make more money and have more freedom than I ever have in the past working for myself.


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## BIL310 (Apr 26, 2017)

Ursula said:


> I get that you want to work for yourself, and find success that way, but not everyone is cracked up for being an entrepreneur; most people have to work for someone else for a living. There’s no shame in that. I’m sorry that you wish you were someone else; I know that feeling well, and it’s not pleasant. That and the depression that brings is something that you have to fight through. Have you thought about talking to a therapist?
> 
> If you’re having thoughts of suicide, you most definitely need to get some help.
> 
> If I were you, I would also stop focussing so much energy on travelling the world and buying expensive cars, and focus more on your marriage, your kids, and what makes everyone happy. My guess is that it wouldn’t be a ferrari.


Thanks. I have seen a therapist but it was $60 and hour and I had to stop because of finances after 4-5 sessions. I’m on a waiting list for a government funded one but I’ve been waiting 6 months.


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## BIL310 (Apr 26, 2017)

482 said:


> Wishing you were someone else is likely a strong indication that you need to make some changes to yourself.
> 
> Could you earn a good living in a particular profession?
> 
> ...


Well I worked for my father for a couple of years when I left school but not for anyone else.

I honestly don’t know what I would do. Since I left school I’ve only ever wanted to work for myself. Earn money and be independent. There’s no shame in working for anyone else I understand that but there is for me. 

I guess I’ve got 3 months to come up with a back up plan if my new business doesn’t take off


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Does your wife work? Does she know about the financial situation your in?


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## Carburatedexcuses (Jun 4, 2019)

Beyond the work issues is something deeper. You’ve got suicidal ideation.

Watch the pleasure traps that can rob you of fulfilled expectations. 

Play to the provider mentality that has kept you hanging on. 

That fact that you made it this far in life working for yourself is impressive and I admire it! It’s Hard to compete with big teams (companies) though. They remove the middle man markups by doing in house.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

BIL310 said:


> Thanks for the reply. I got no problem working 40 hours a week or even more and regularly do so.
> 
> I get bored sitting around watching tv so technically I’m always working whether it’s on my phone or laptop, I don’t know any other way.


You own your own business and you have no problem working 40 hours a week "or even more?" The even-more is usually the norm for most of us. I'm 63 and hoping that, by the time I'm 70, I can cut back from 6.5 days/week to 5. If you own your own business, you do what it takes to make it survive. It's what you do. It's who you are. And you appear not to be that person.

Sure, some people hit the gold and manage to have a comfy role where they work normal hours, or even less, and rake in the dough. But that's not the norm.

You may be in the worst of all possible worlds. Most of the people in business for themselves are, I dare say, in that role because they don't have the ability to follow someone else's dream or ideas of what you should be doing. You've been working for yourself long enough to have that firmly entrenched in your psyche now. You're going to need some sort of epiphany to "work for the man" and make it stick.

But as a fellow small business owner, hearing someone say that they have no problem working 40 hours a week... I got nothing for you. Except a warning that you're heading for a really dark place if you can't hack having to give up a lot of personal time to make a business work. Not in the short term, but forever.

This I know. This I can speak to better than anything in TAM about relationships.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Many people can do very well being self-employed. IMO, success depends on a person's drive to succeed, their willingness to learn and their ability to take responsibility for their mistakes (if they can't do this, they'll never learn from them). Realistic goals are also a big thing.

You're going through a low point and you wish you didn't have this stress on your shoulders. Small steps will get you through. Set small goals, so that each day you can achieve some.


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