# Do you think how you feel about yourself reflects how you act as a BS?



## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

What I mean is if you have confidence in yourself, feel good about yourself that you react better when dealing with the issues that come about from being a BS.

I know for myself, over the last year since DD#2 I have gained 20 lbs which for me makes me feel gross, insecure, etc. I find that these feelings tend to make my feelings about dealing with what H did even worse. It is like a vicious cycle in some ways because a part of me realizes that a small part of my paranoia, anger, etc. at H is not just what he did but the fact that I do not feel good about myself right now.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

I had a good session with my IC yesterday.

Sunday I had an epiphany. I decided that I wasn't going to "act" like a betrayed spouse any longer. I am tired to sitting on the couch moping around and feeling bad and thinking of Regret's affair. I am tired of trying to figure sh-t out about why and how could she do this.

I decided that I WAS a betrayed spouse. It no longer defines who I AM today. Just as Regret WAS a wayward wife. It does not define who she IS today.

No more feeling victimized (the term my IC used yesterday). The last few days I have not taken my medication.

I feel f'ng terrific!! My head is clear. I started running again. I feel more motivated.

I slept well and enjoyed feeling Regret laying next to me in bed and feeling her skin in the middle of the night.

I am a "betrayed spouse" but I am no longer a betrayed spouse.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Bride of Frank said:


> Thanks Dig!




My day is complete.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

I always tell others on here that the best thing they can do is take care of themselves...workout, look the best you can, yet I was not following my own advice. 

My worst fear, as a woman, is becoming someone that lets herself go and then gets all bitter and sour faced at seeing other women that take care of themselves.


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## jlc29316 (Feb 28, 2013)

My self-confidence was chipped away gradually over time from overwork, overstress, and a verbally abusive wife.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

highwood said:


> What I mean is if you have confidence in yourself, feel good about yourself that you react better when dealing with the issues that come about from being a BS.
> 
> I know for myself, over the last year since DD#2 I have gained 20 lbs which for me makes me feel gross, insecure, etc. I find that these feelings tend to make my feelings about dealing with what H did even worse. It is like a vicious cycle in some ways because a part of me realizes that a small part of my paranoia, anger, etc. at H is not just what he did but the fact that I do not feel good about myself right now.


DD#1 was about ten years ago, when my children were still in school. He moved out at my request, said he was sorry and made an effort to amend his behavior. I forgave him, took him back and things went normally after that.

DD#2 was ten years later. He refused to leave the marital home, so I started putting my paycheck in a private account, took exactly half of what was in our joint accounts and put those funds in my own account, and arranged to move into a new residence to get away from him, while at the same time collecting and securing my evidence. I didn't know about this forum at the time, however I did (and do) have certain legal connections in which to guide me.

Yes, I have changed. I'm stronger. I'm secure with myself. My kids are grown and on their own. Still some legal things to sort out as he is not cooperating, but I'm confident that my marital rights to property is secure and I have the appropriate evidence to assure that I will be comfortable in the future. I'm taking care of myself and I am happy to be free of him.

You see, the thing of it is, my H is a narcissist. He feels no empathy for me. He can't comprehend what it's like to be a BS and he lacks the ability to see the hurt he caused. All he sees is that suddenly I left him. I left HIM. How dare I leave! That's his mindset. He doesn't see the cruelty of his behavior. He doesn't see that these OW (plural) interfered in our marriage. It was all HIS ego, and he never once to this day has considered how his behavior affected MY ego.

But I'm doing good. I've always been rather slim and my weight hasn't changed. I've always had inner strength and a good "sense of self" and I don't need him to validate my existence. There are many single people in this world so there is no "stigma" attached to being divorce anymore. I am enjoying life, have a great relationship with my grown sons and am looking forward to the future as soon as the legal issues are sorted out.

If I were to advise you, regardless of whether you seek R or D, find your individual strength within you. It's there. You are worthy. You can stand on your own. Think about what interests you as an individual. What hobbies give you pleasure. Take care of yourself. Be the best you can be and gain your confidence back. You were special before you met and married your H. You can be that special person again, with or without him.

The Best of Luck to you.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Bride of Frank said:


> I agree with you completely. The trouble is that it's hard to feel good about yourself when you know you've been cheated on. For some time I've been saying I need a mantra to repeat when I get to feeling excessively negative, because you are right on, it is a vicious cycle. I am going to try Dig's new philosophy when I need to interrupt myself. Thanks Dig!


Exactly...it is hard to feel good about yourself when that **** happens but I tell myself that looking my best is definently for myself not him...as well I want him to never forget the fact that I am a good catch if not for him then others.

I know at times because I feel so lousy it bugs the **** out of me even more that H had his ego boosted for months from his OW, being told he was all that by her. It is a vicious cycle because it tends to enhance my resentment toward him that he was getting complimented, etc. and I am sitting here feeling gross and letting myself go.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

HOwever I do not want to seem like I am playing the victim..I chose to gain 20 lbs..that is my issue and mine alone.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

highwood said:


> HOwever I do not want to seem like I am playing the victim..I chose to gain 20 lbs..that is my issue and mine alone.


And you know what you need to do. I would bet that you have read diet/exercise books.

It's just so damn difficult to say, "I'm over seeing myself like this" and then get up and just do it.

(I'm going to go get a link...I'll be back in a minute)


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

I don't know. How can I express this. 

I can smell the desperation when I go into a bar from some women. I know we are all there for the same thing, to hook up.

For me to just call a women over to me and have her come is hysterical and amazing. I just can't explain it. Its that easy.. 

Me and my friend/wingman just go to the bar get 2 stools and call women over and give the the stool to sit down and talk. Hi, your so beautiful I had to talk to you. My name is soandso and this is my good friend soandso. But the fact of just calling them over and them coming is good sign when working on NPL.

But get this. 
When I'm home I miss my wife. I miss having my family. I cry sometimes when I'm alone from the pain. I cry at work at how crazy my life has become. 

Everyone is different. 
Myself I put of the facade of being happy and devil may care when I go out. But alone I know its a different story.

I can't let my STBXW dictate my life anymore. I'm hoping that eventually I find someone that will keep me happy.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

SomedayDig said:


> And you know what you need to do. I would bet that you have read diet/exercise books.
> 
> It's just so damn difficult to say, "I'm over seeing myself like this" and then get up and just do it.
> 
> (I'm going to go get a link...I'll be back in a minute)


Absolutely...I have done it before! I think it is easy to get complacent and think who cares I will start tomorrow and of course if you keep doing that everyday you do not get anywhere. My thing is trying to get my eating under control..I do work out regularly but I am one of those people that can gain all the while working out 4 or 5 times per week.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Listen...I know this is going to be corny, but it sometimes takes something so little to get the light bulb to go on. See, I knew on Sunday that I wanted...no - I _needed_ to get back to me and I was happiest when I was running. I weighed 182 pounds and for a 5'11" guy, I was looking pretty damn good.

Then I got into a nearly fatal motorcycle accident. I put on weight. A year later I got taken off a great jet because the lead pilot didn't like that I was a non-conformist and didn't wear the khaki and polo shirts like other pilots when I was off duty. My mother died 6 months after that. She (along with my wife and children) was my world. I drank. A lot. Every. Single. Day.

It was a horrible spiral.

Then...March 6, 2012 @ 10:34pm, my world crumbled and my entire being was crushed in one fell swoop.

So, Sunday I sat on my couch. The same spot I have sat in for almost 380 days. I looked up the Couch to 5k program, which I followed before.

And I found this....

Ben Davis


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

SomedayDig said:


> Listen...I know this is going to be corny, but it sometimes takes something so little to get the light bulb to go on. See, I knew on Sunday that I wanted...no - I _needed_ to get back to me and I was happiest when I was running. I weighed 182 pounds and for a 5'11" guy, I was looking pretty damn good.
> 
> Then I got into a nearly fatal motorcycle accident. I put on weight. A year later I got taken off a great jet because the lead pilot didn't like that I was a non-conformist and didn't wear the khaki and polo shirts like other pilots when I was off duty. My mother died 6 months after that. She (along with my wife and children) was my world. I drank. A lot. Every. Single. Day.
> 
> ...


I have heard good things about the Couch to 5k program..

YOu are a pilot?...my son who is 22 has taken all of his training and is now trying to find a flying job...he is currently ramping for a small airline that will eventually in a year or two put him in one of their planes..he is getting impatient though I think.


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## river rat (Jan 20, 2012)

Betrayal is a nuclear attack on your self-esteem. First learn to love and trust yourself. Only then can you love and trust others.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

highwood said:


> I have heard good things about the Couch to 5k program..
> 
> YOu are a pilot?...my son who is 22 has taken all of his training and is now trying to find a flying job...he is currently ramping for a small airline that will eventually in a year or two put him in one of their planes..he is getting impatient though I think.


It's a great program.

Yes, I flew private jet aircraft for the wealthy and famous people for about a decade. Great gig but I would trade it for my missed family time inside of a heartbeat. Aviation is tough. The life and the business. I would not suggest to any one I know to do it. That's not being jaded either...it's just the way of the industry.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

LanieB said:


> Wow. This thread really hits home for me. I have a very negative opinion of myself. I always have. I can give a very condensed explanation: I was adopted - my closest "relatives" made it clear that I was not really their relative since we weren't blood-related, I was molested when I was 7 and my mother blamed ME for it - my mother eventually had an affair and left us when I was a teenager. Blah, blah, blah . . . .
> 
> So this negative opinion of myself has been ingrained in me my whole life. I'd been dealing with it pretty well for quite a while because I was happy and content with my marriage and kids. Then my husband had a year-long affair (and may still be having it), and I have spiraled back into this horrible mind-set that I am not worthy of anything - that I don't deserve to have anyone treat me lovingly, that I should just accept this. My husband looks at me with disgust and hatred, like I'M the one who wronged HIM - (I think this may be because he realizes the whole community knows about what he's done and he blames me for it), yet I can't seem to make myself end this marriage. I'm stuck in a deep depression and can't seem to claw my way out, or even stand up for myself.
> 
> ...


Lanie, you are not stupid as evidenced by your own words. You are in fact keenly aware of the issues with both yourself and your WS. That requires insight, which you certainly do possess. Please do not tell yourself you are "stupid".

What you are is angry, for very good reasons. That's completely understandable under the circumstances. Is there any way you can channel that anger into action that benefits you?


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Yes, but alot of industry can be like that as well..up here in Canada for guys in the oilfield they can often be gone for months at a time overseas or in the field...you do what you have to do to support your family. With my son that is all he wanted to do and he loves it...he is lucky that we have paid for his training (not cheap) probably cost us close to $50,000.00 this way as he will not make much money in the industry at first he has no debt.

Sounds like you had a nice career though...do you still fly?


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Lanie, I think you and only you has to make the decision..I think if you have feelings for someone it is not always easy to just leave. At some point you will do what is best for you...maybe your H needs to be shooken up a little so he does not take you for granted...


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

I haven't flown in a year. I would enjoy getting back, though. Flying was the one great thing I could do. I hope he gets his gig, though. It CAN be one of the most rewarding careers. In the States, companies seem to dog the pilots so much and I honestly don't have any idea how Canadian companies treat their pilots.

If not for flying I would never have been able to experience the things I have. I've been to every island in the Caribbean, France, Costa Rica and other countries (some I can't talk about due to DOS stuff). I am glad I got to see those things. It has made a lot of difference in the way I see things.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

Maybe it's me but I initially reacted with total anger and bitterness towards my stbxw. Never thought it was about me. Yeah, I was hurt, for sure - badly hurt - but that's different than being down on yourself. Of course, with reflection I know there was a lot of problems in our marriage that I did not do enough to fix - but nothing warranted the lies and cheating. It takes two to make a marriage work but only one to totally destroy it.

If your spouse cheats - it says more about them than it does about you. Never forget that.

Now, months later, I am dating and slowly getting back into normalcy without feeling bitter/angry all the time.

Have to admit one thing though - that's kind of along the lines of this thread. Hard to explain, but I'll try: When I was with my stbxw, I always looked at her (and us) as we were when we first met. Even when we were having problems, I still looked at us as the "young couple" (married 25 years). It took a bit of adjustment to get out there dating and realize that: Yeah, I'm middle aged now and the 20 something hottie (which was my image of my stbxw) is out of the picture. So my self-image has aged a lot as well as my realization that the next chapter of my life starts with the older guy I see in the mirror. So my self image has "matured", finally. Brand new memories starting now. But I still like what I see... LOL!


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

LanieB said:


> I was inspired by your post though, about your story. I wish I had your confidence and backbone. Any suggestions for how to get this??  It's good to read how others who have been betrayed have gone on to have happier lives.


But Lanie, you already have the confidence and backbone, you just don't know it yet. 

Your story is inspirational as well. You have been through a lot of hard times in your life, and you have pulled through to this point in your life. Why? Because you know in your heart that you are worthy of better things. You know it. I know that you know it. 

The only thing that might be holding you back is some sort of "comfort zone" in that you are comfortable with your current life (not happy - just comfortable) and you fear making changes that could put you out into the world as a single individual. Do you have friends, family or some sort of support group? Lean on them. Vent to them. Roll off ideas to them. Play your options in your head. Best case scenario. Worst case scenario. Read and post here and listen to the advise offered. Now is a great time to assess yourself as an individual. Your intellect and the ability to support yourself. Your demeanor and how your friends and family see you. Nevermind your WS. Use others to help you find your self worth if you can't see it for yourself and know that it is truly within yourself, once others have pointed out your virtues, to accept that you are in control of your future.

You can have a happy future too. It's yours for the taking, with or without your WS.


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## jlc29316 (Feb 28, 2013)

LanieB said:


> survivorwife said:
> 
> 
> > Lanie, you are not stupid as evidenced by your own words. You are in fact keenly aware of the issues with both yourself and your WS. That requires insight, which you certainly do possess. Please do not tell yourself you are "stupid".
> ...


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

I had very hard times.

Almost 2years now, I am now myself. The vets in aTAM helped me to face the situation.


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

A lot of my insecurities are do to my FWH's affair. The worst part is that I only feel that way at home. It is hard not to when you don't feel like you are wanted and compare the effort put into "her", but not yourself. Then again it could be another dip on the rollercoaster ride. Sometimes I just want to shrug and say oh well.


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## jlc29316 (Feb 28, 2013)

LanieB said:


> jlc29316 said:
> 
> 
> > This is true. I seem to keep bouncing back and forth between anger and sadness (mostly the sadness). But I do have a lot of anger and don't know what to do with it.
> ...


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

LanieB said:


> Highwood - Are you R or D? I'm sure I've read other posts of yours, but I can't remember your story.


We are in R....DD#2 was in April 2012.


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## The-Deceived (Jan 8, 2013)

I would say yes. I'm a pretty confident guy, and make no mistake, my stbxw's cheating was devastating - for a while. But instead of falling into a puddle on the floor and feeling resentment for the world and feeling sorry for myself, I used it as an opportunity to be a better man and live a better, more fulfilling life.

I probably have more confidence now than ever before. 

But that frame of mind was largely a choice - a decision. I'll be damned if I'll let some cheating woman destroy me as a person.

You must remain confident and proud, and remember that your WS's decision to betray you doesn't reflect on you as a person - it reflects on them. THEY are the one who should have their self esteem and confidence shattered. Not you. You are the moral one, the one with values, the one with qualities desirable to other people. Don't forget that. 

Walk tall, look people in the eye and kick ass.


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