# Can a Man Stay with his Wife After She's Been With Another Man?!?!



## RunFromYourWife (Feb 14, 2013)

My wife and I came to an eruption after I find that she was intimate with some guy and was having an emotional affair. She swore they didn't have sex, and I talked to the other guy too and he said the same thing. You can read about that here if you wish...

My Wife Has Feelings for Another Man and it is Eating Me Up!!!

...Anyhow I just have to believe them if I want my marriage...which I do. So I ask my wife if there was anyone else she was intimate with before this incident. She says "no, but I have flirted with some people". I accepted it but here is the nagging thing. Later on she gets a call from an old _acquaintance_, some call a "cut buddy". Now we've been together over 5 years, so why would a guy who their only function was to phuck each other (when she was single) be still calling her? So I ask her again but she swears they would just talk casually as they were both married now. Well, her being married didn't stop her from cheating last time, so uhm...what the hell is that supposed to mean?

For the most part she is acting the part of a model wife. We are connected in all ways and to my knowledge she has respected the boundaries I have imposed on her. I feel like if I start digging some more it will mess things up, but at the same time my gut tells me I don't know everything and she will probably keep lying/denying in fear I will ask for a divorce.

What should I do? How to deal? I want to trust my wife and just move on, but I can't do that if I don't feel like she is being completely open and honest with me. At the same time I need to come to terms with the state of our marriage, which includes whether or not she's been stepping out this entire time...


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## ody360 (Feb 1, 2013)

Honestly all you can do is pretend everything is normal but keep theblownkey survalence going. She if she is doing something she is on to that you know so she will be more cautious. You need to get jerbto feel comfy and let the gaurd down...Really in the end can we ever really believe that WS is tellinv the truth unless you literally have bonified proof of every detail. Not really
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

RunFromYourWife said:


> My wife and I came to an eruption after I find that she was intimate with some guy and was having an emotional affair. She swore they didn't have sex, and I talked to the other guy too and he said the same thing. You can read about that here if you wish...
> 
> My Wife Has Feelings for Another Man and it is Eating Me Up!!!
> 
> ...


Listen to your gut.

Always.

Almost NEVER wrong. Sorry.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

You're trying to talk yourself into sweeping all of this under the rug. If you do that, then what will stop your wife from trying to connect with other men in the future. So the acquaintance you called a "cut buddy" was a friend with benefits? She needs to go no contact with him if you want to save this marriage. Plus the fact that this guy is calling should clue in that you probably don't know enough about her married private life. 

You need to get to the bottom of all the issues, or you risk going through this later in life when things are more complicated - like having kids.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Sounds like you're trying to rugsweep which is always a recipe for disaster. Too many red flags (including an affair) and like sinnister said your gut is almost always right.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Well...here is the deal.

Your gut is saying that if she was intimate with someone else, you can't deal with it. And it wants to know...sort of. Reason is indicating that there is a lot of pain down that road and you don't necessarily want that.

IF you know, you'll get a divorce...but not knowing and not being able to depend on your wife is also causing you ulcers.

Okay...let me give you a little mental compromise.

Have your wife pick up $100 from the bank for you. If she has a seperate account, get it from hers. When she gives it to you, light up that money and watch it burn.

Then say something like this "You used to have an account of trust and fidelity in my brain. With this emotional affair, it's overdrawn. Nothing is left in there. YOU are starting fresh...and there is a black mark in your credit report. You know how long those last (7 years if she doesn't know...)"

"So..." slid to her a phone so dumb it isn't even allowed on the short bus, "This is your new phone with a new number. I've already put in every one of your female friends I *know*. (leave out the skanks or the party girls.) You no longer have any male friends. None. No dinners with co-workers. No girls nights out at anything spicier than a book store or a movie theater. NO MALE FRIENDS. And I expect any male co-worker to say you are the frigidest b*tch in the work force."

"See, I get to deal with all these what you say are IMAGINARY mental movies. But I'm willing to wipe that slate clean. YOU get to do the work because there better not be a single smidgean on that clean slate. This is GRACE I am offering you. YOU messed this up. You get to fix it by being beyond reproach from now on."

(This applies to men too)


And you start to keep track of her a lot more. She started this mess. She can always choose a) divorce, b) coming clean (though this is a Catch-22 for her. If she IS innocent, but you gut won't believe it, how does she confess in a way you believe?) or c) abide by something like this.

Or you could bury your head in the sand. That really doesn't work very well


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Keep your radar up. Guts are right about 90% of the time.

Which tools are you using ATM?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Yes, of course he can.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

So she says they never had sex, OM says same thing. Seems like they talked ahead of time and got their stories straight. With no solid proof, of course they deny it went to a PA. 

As for her "acquaintance", there is no reason for them to be talking. What would they be talking about? The weather?? No, they would be hooking up. 

She admits to flirting?? So you want to work things out after knowing all this? Just think of this woman being your wife for the test of your life. You will be monitoring her everyday for the rest of your life. 


Just read your other thread, seems she is getting her emotional drug fix from other men, and not from you. Oh, I believe she loves you but she will always be chasing that fix through other men. And after you realize this, you most likely will stray looking for your fix. 

Hey, I may be wrong but you know your wife better than us and your gut is teeling you something. Don't ignore it...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shoshan1290 (Mar 5, 2013)

I definitely agree with the posting that says that your gut feeling is hardly ever wrong. However a gut feeling isn't enough to prove an affair. If you believe that there is something going on (which from your posts, I wouldn't be surprised) keep yourself vigilante and alert. 

Beyond that you need to demand complete and utter transparency. Emails, phone, facebook, etc. You need to have the login information and passwords for all of them. If she refuses then that will tell you a whole lot, right there. And guaranteed it will be justified with the whole "Why can't you just trust me?" spiel.


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## InlandTXMM (Feb 15, 2013)

In my case, I will never be able to verify the story completely, so I had a decision to make, and it wasn't to believe her completely or not.

It was whether to reconcile or not without ever being able to know for sure. I'm sorry to say, you get to make that same hellish decision, brother.

I know if I had evidence of actual sex, she would be my ex-wife today. No one should be forced to suffer through that indignity.

She has been warned, though, that she has had her chance to come fully clean on what happened, and if there is anything more that I ever find out, it's over.


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## InlandTXMM (Feb 15, 2013)

sinnister said:


> Listen to your gut.
> 
> Always.
> 
> Almost NEVER wrong. Sorry.


:iagree: When the dust finally settled, my gut was 100x more honest than my loving wife was.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

1. Demand a polygraph test. It cost $500 or so.
2. Get tested for STD's.
3. See a lawyer just to understand your options.

If the roles were reversed would your wife believe such crap from you? Your wife is in damage control and has shown that she has no respect for you whatsoever. If you do not respect yourself then who will?


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Counseling ?

Maybe that might help you reveal some truth. But you need to ask until your comfortable with the answers.

Also you need to make an honest decision for yourself if she tells you yes. That is something you don't need to hear from her for you to decide. 

As for your title. Yes I could have, if my wife were truly remorseful. 

Look people make mistakes, life is short. I've come to the realization that I love my wife because I love her and not for the kids sake. 

Everyone is different, take your time, think about this and make a command decision. I can honestly say age does make a difference in someones choice sometimes. Absorb all these factors that matter to you and make the right choice for you. But if you decide to stay and work this out, then understand its going to be a rough road ahead for the both of you. She needs to understand that as well as do you. 

Breaking up is hard at first but of course becomes easier as you move on. Staying together and fighting to fix this could take more years then if you broke up and moved on. Again All your choice. But be reasonable about the expectations.

Good luck.


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## Shoshan1290 (Mar 5, 2013)

bryanp said:


> 1. Demand a polygraph test. It cost $500 or so.
> 2. Get tested for STD's.
> 3. See a lawyer just to understand your options.
> 
> If the roles were reversed would your wife believe such crap from you? Your wife is in damage control and has shown that she has no respect for you whatsoever. If you do not respect yourself then who will?


A polygraph test is not really admissible as evidence. Anyone who can control themselves well under pressure (ie: avoiding rapid breathing, etc) can avoid the indicators that set off a polygraph.

Now perhaps the threat of a polygraph is enough for some people to spill the beans, however it may end up being a huge waste of money. 


I fully agree with the STD testing, however.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Deep down you don't believe she's being honest.
You want to believe, but you don't. You can't make yourself believe.

You should either act on what you believe as if it's a fact, or have her take a lie detector test with the expectation that your belief may be confirmed.


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## AlphaHalf (Aug 5, 2012)

> I feel like if I start digging some more it will mess things up, but at the same time my gut tells me I don't know everything and she will probably keep lying/denying in fear I will ask for a divorce


 If she truly fears divorce then don't be afraid to ask her the tough questions. Rugsweeping will only make it worse in the long run.


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Yes, of course he can.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


In all honesty, I don't think I could. If there were children involved I would reconsider decisions to leave only till the kids grew up and made their way out. After which there would be nothing to do but leave. In the meantime I would change the deal to an open relationship and not have sex with the cheating wife anymore. Win-win.


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## nevergveup (Feb 18, 2013)

Sorry,I think she hasen't told you everything she knows.
Ask yourself can you ever really trust her fully from now on?
I know if my wife did these things I would divorce her.

If I stayed married I would never be 100% positive.
You only have 5 yrs of your life with her so if you
can't stay married be thankful its soon in the relationship.

Good Luck


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Sure, a man can stay, but should he? Almost always the answer is no, but sometimes...

And yeah your wife did have sex with this guy-start preparing for detachment.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Assume for just a second that you had your own "cut buddy". The only purpose for that relationship was sex. A few years later, you reinitiate that relationship behind your wife's back. What would you be talking to your "cut buddy" about? Stock prices? Brownie recipes? 
If someone is holding a pole and their line is in the water, they're fishing. It doesn't matter what they swear they were doing.


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## omoplata (Mar 21, 2013)

What is the point of being in a relationship with someone if you have to put them under "surveillance"? Asking for a polygraph test? Is this real life? Grow a pair of balls and get rid of these toxic broads. They have no respect for you and you should have zero respect for them. You can't make a hoe a housewife. I can't believe some of the stories I'm reading and the men that are letting this behavior slide and even enabling it. Not sure if this is a product of feminism or what but a lot of guys on here need to nut the **** up.


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## nunikit (Mar 20, 2013)

I'm sorry but I do not share my toys very well..... I would be packing up someone's **** and sending them on their merry way.

Sloppy seconds... No.Thank.You.


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

You don't believe her. The trust is gone. Cut to the chase. Divorce and move on. The rest will just prolong the pain.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

RunFromYourWife said:


> ]
> 
> *I just have to believe them if I want my marriage*


No. That's called rug sweeping. You're getting half truths maybe even outright lies. Do you expect OM to confess they had sex?
She's obviously willing to stick to her story come what may, so as another poster said install a keylogger, and out some software on her phone and wait..the truth will out itself if she's in false R.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

omoplata said:


> What is the point of being in a relationship with someone if you have to put them under "surveillance"? Asking for a polygraph test? Is this real life? Grow a pair of balls and get rid of these toxic broads. They have no respect for you and you should have zero respect for them. You can't make a hoe a housewife. I can't believe some of the stories I'm reading and the men that are letting this behavior slide and even enabling it. Not sure if this is a product of feminism or what but a lot of guys on here need to nut the **** up.


When kids are involved, things get a little more complicated. Most dads need to have some solid proof before going the busted family route due to the negative impact on the kids future.


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## Mtts (Apr 16, 2012)

So having been in a similar position this is my advice: Why does physical infidelity need to be the breaking point? If you fear pushing will drive her to divorce then you know the answer already. It was obviously more, a question shouldn't push her to divorce. Her own actions might, but not being asked. 

If she is defensive and lacks compassion to understand your unease then I again ask, why are you still waiting?

Your wife either gets it or doesn't. Unfortunately we can't force them to understand as their side of the fence is a lot different than ours.


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## RunFromYourWife (Feb 14, 2013)

I didn't state this before, but we have 2 children under 5 years old.


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## RunFromYourWife (Feb 14, 2013)

nevergveup said:


> Sorry,I think she hasen't told you everything she knows.
> Ask yourself can you ever really trust her fully from now on?
> I know if my wife did these things I would divorce her.
> 
> ...


Thanks for the response, although quite an ironic post from a person whose name implies "never give up"...LOL...


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## RunFromYourWife (Feb 14, 2013)

She tells me that I want to believe something that she didn't do, and is preventing us from moving forward in our relationship. BTW...yes, I've already been tested for STDs...


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

I would at least bring up the polygraph test and see what her reaction is. However, at least do some calling first so you know where it can be done and how much, you can bring that into the discussion. 500 bucks is a lot of money, but also a small price to pay for peace of mind. 

You may be surprised at the parking lot confession you get should you drive her to the test site and give her one last chance to come clean.

Double checking her story with OM is not credible from my perspective, story setting is too easy to do.

Good luck
WD


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## RunFromYourWife (Feb 14, 2013)

jerry123 said:


> She admits to flirting?? So you want to work things out after knowing all this? Just think of this woman being your wife for the test of your life. You will be monitoring her everyday for the rest of your life.
> 
> 
> Just read your other thread, seems she is getting her emotional drug fix from other men, and not from you. Oh, I believe she loves you but she will always be chasing that fix through other men. And after you realize this, you most likely will stray looking for your fix.
> ...


For the record, she said she has flirted with others in answering my question about if she did "anything else" before everything erupted. Honestly, I am not going to get too upset about it because I found myself be a bit flirtatious as well at the times when home life was rather miserable.

We are talking about her needs and what caused her to reach out to others. We are trying to work through it. We are actively promoting our connectivity and fulfilling those things we need from each other. I guess only time will tell if it will be enough...


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## RunFromYourWife (Feb 14, 2013)

InlandTXMM said:


> In my case, I will never be able to verify the story completely, so I had a decision to make, and it wasn't to believe her completely or not.
> 
> It was whether to reconcile or not without ever being able to know for sure. I'm sorry to say, you get to make that same hellish decision, brother.
> 
> ...


Honestly that is the decision I've made, essentially to reconcile without ever _really knowing_. I believe that she is truly sorry for the past so if she would of told me when I asked then I would of forgiven her if she were truly remorseful....this time...


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

RunFromYourWife said:


> She tells me that I want to believe something that she didn't do, and is preventing us from moving forward in our relationship. BTW...yes, I've already been tested for STDs...


Oooh that is a classic line! I had that one too. Basically it translates to 'shut up I don't want to talk about it because if I do then I have to lie some more'. 

Now I haven't read your other thread, but I am guessing from this thread and the replies that she is not being open, honest, transparent. If you stay you have a long road of turmoil and limbo ahead unless you can play the game also. If you NEED the evidence then you gotta play the game. Pretend all ok, relax, no more chat, no more confronting, and spy spy spy. If you have confronted so much she has taken it skillfully underground then you are in for a long haul of pain and hurt and not knowing. Eventually the truth will out, but it will take its toll. 

I say just get her out. Then wait and see what happens next. She will step up to the plate if that is ever to be. That is if you want her to of course!


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

RunFromYourWife said:


> *Honestly that is the decision I've made, essentially to reconcile without ever really knowing. I believe that she is truly sorry for the past so if she would of told me when I asked then I would of forgiven her if she were truly remorseful....this time..*.


That's fine considering that she seems to be "all in" now and that you have young kids. Just be sure you have it WELL settled in your mind before you "more or less" let this fade. 

You don't want this issue to re-emerge in a few years when her memory fades as your unresolved anger rises. It won't be better then - probably worse - so don't be hasty. 

Seek some counseling to help settle this issue in your mind. 

IMO there is more to the story - but if you're satisfied then so be it.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

RunFromYourWife said:


> ...Anyhow I just have to believe them if I want my marriage...which I do. So I ask my wife if there was anyone else she was intimate with before this incident. She says "no, but I have flirted with some people". I accepted it but here is the nagging thing. Later on she gets a call from an old _acquaintance_, some call a "cut buddy".


Run, this reminds me a lot of an employer who discovered a long time trusted employee is embezzling funds. They just cannot believe it and choose to ignore the evidence. (not to say you have evidence. Only you know that) 
Here's the bottom line from my viewpoint. My wife doesn't carry on routine conversations with men. If she starts, I'll be concerned. Affairs go from talking, to meeting, to touching, to sex.


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## ShootMePlz! (Oct 5, 2008)

Seems like your wife has established her Modus Operandi or mode of operation when it comes to her need for male attention!

Flirt with all men until she find one that she likes then do what ever he wants in exchange for that attention!!! So why again doesn't she understand why you don't trust what she says is the truth about what she did and didn't do with this latest male she has been playing with!!!:scratchhead:


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Machiavelli said:


> When kids are involved, things get a little more complicated. Most *parents* need to have some solid proof before going the busted family route due to the negative impact on the kids future.


Fixed that for ya.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

RunFromYourWife said:


> She tells me that I want to believe something that she didn't do, and is preventing us from moving forward in our relationship. BTW...yes, I've already been tested for STDs...


Did you let her know that? It is a nice eulogy on the death of trust.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

RunFromYourWife said:


> She tells me that I want to believe something that she didn't do, and is preventing us from moving forward in our relationship.


Blame the victim manipulation. Such cruelty. 

Proof she's still busy protecting affairs instead of fixing the marriage.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

RunFromYourWife, nobody here can tell you how to behave when it comes to trusting your spouse. So many of us felt that we had a good handle on things that we were totally baffled when betrayal was revealed.
Let me give you a small clip of how spouses can lie.
My ex talked me into quitting smoking after we had been together for ten years since she was told to quit by her GP. I found out about nine years later that she had been smoking like a damned forest fire anytime she was away from me or her kids.
(a year and a half later, I found out that cigarettes weren't the only things she had been sucking on)


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

RunFromYourWife said:


> Honestly that is the decision I've made, essentially to reconcile without ever _really knowing_. I believe that she is truly sorry for the past so if she would of told me when I asked then I would of forgiven her if she were truly remorseful....this time...


Okay...this is actually what i advised you to do...based upon your own proclivities.

See, I try to give advice shaped by what the poster WANTS, not necessarily what I think is best.

You got kids. You don't KNOW. She's behaving badly. You want that to stop. But you have too much invested to just throw it all out (Look up the "Sunk Cost" fallacy in economics: Short version 'Don't go sending good money after bad.')

So...living with the uncertainty is HALF of what I advised.

You need to get the other half done. She needs to feel the grip of uncertainty around her pretty little neck as well. She needs to know that the ice, she's a creaking under her feet. She needs to FEEL it!

So I would suggest you spend a couple hundred dollars to have divorce paperwork filed generically. Essentially percentages and property distribution outlined as things are now.

And then you show it to her with this little caveat:

"I don't know WHAT you did...but you are making me feel very insecure. So...I'll suck that feeling up THIS TIME and forgive...whatever you are being evasive about...but I'm not feeling that way again. You ADMITTED you crossed the line. You may cross it again, but I'm not interested in feeling this way again. Next time I'm pulling the trigger. You've had your 'get out of jail free' card. (Heck, steal one from the monopoly game and put it with the paperwork...marked "Void"). Now you are all in or all out."

Because it's that sense of 'getting away with it' which makes the wayward think they can do it again. I speak as a former wayward of your wife's model.

She needs to feel PAIN.


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## nunikit (Mar 20, 2013)

hookares said:


> RunFromYourWife, nobody here can tell you how to behave when it comes to trusting your spouse. So many of us felt that we had a good handle on things that we were totally baffled when betrayal was revealed.
> Let me give you a small clip of how spouses can lie.
> My ex talked me into quitting smoking after we had been together for ten years since she was told to quit by her GP. I found out about nine years later that she had been smoking like a damned forest fire anytime she was away from me or her kids.
> (*a year and a half later, I found out that cigarettes weren't the only things she had been sucking on*)



I'm truly not laughing at you... but with you!! :lol::lol:


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

OK so you are gonna R.-----What boundaries, are being imposed, what consequences will there be?????

Is there to be any accountability, on both of your parts, since both of you have strayed---is the easy cushy lifestyle, going to be set aside

Do you now intend to talk to each other, about marital problems, and how things are going---at least 2 to 3 times a week, for at least 30 minutes a session

Or is all of this just swept under the rug by both of you


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## RunFromYourWife (Feb 14, 2013)

JCD said:


> Okay...this is actually what i advised you to do...based upon your own proclivities.
> 
> See, I try to give advice shaped by what the poster WANTS, not necessarily what I think is best.
> 
> ...


We have established a list of about 12 boundaries, some of which lead straight to divorce. She knows she has not gotten away with it. Again, she is behaving as a model wife _now_ for the most part. It is just hard for me to believe that nothing else went on and it doesn't seem like there is anything I can do (besides a polygraph) to know the truth for sure.


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## RunFromYourWife (Feb 14, 2013)

jnj express said:


> OK so you are gonna R.-----What boundaries, are being imposed, what consequences will there be?????
> 
> Is there to be any accountability, on both of your parts, since both of you have strayed---is the easy cushy lifestyle, going to be set aside
> 
> ...


Too many boundaries to go through here. They range from whom we speak to, the types of discussions to be had with outside people, being "best and closest friends" or we can't be married, ways of talking to each other, and on and on....covering also the basics like emotional or physical intimacy is grounds for divorce and other things. All of the boundaries apply to both of us.

We talk every day now focusing on our connectivity and talking through challenges (conflict resolution) which has been our biggest problem. What would normally happen is when issues came up she shut down on me then went blabbing to her male friends about everything that's wrong. Eventually that turned into relationships that were cultivated more than our our marriage. We are making the conscious effort to have better conflict/dispute resolution, although it is primarily her effort to work through (which she is).


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

I would suggest to her that any time she feels attracted to another man, that she immediately come clean to you.

One can occasionally 'feel a spark'. There are about 2 women that way at my work. What I have done is told my wife about them so that there is no secret space carved in my soul for them. It is exposed and I also am putting myself on notice that I need to be VERY CAREFUL around those two.

I don't know how she feels about it. Maybe she thinks I'm throwing them in her face. I am just trying to find a way to establish boundaries any way I can.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

RunFromYourWife said:


> We have established a list of about 12 boundaries, some of which lead straight to divorce. She knows she has not gotten away with it. Again, she is behaving as a model wife _now_ for the most part. It is just hard for me to believe that nothing else went on and it doesn't seem like there is anything I can do (besides *a polygraph*) to know the truth for sure.


Why don't you get one. Put this thing to bed once and for all. It seems you're in R because it's *only* an EA. You want desperately to believe she hasn't been intimate. Schedule one and get it off your chest, do your mind a world of good.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

BobSimmons said:


> Why don't you get one. Put this thing to bed once and for all. It seems you're in R because it's *only* an EA. You want desperately to believe she hasn't been intimate. Schedule one and get it off your chest, do your mind a world of good.


OP correct me if I am wrong here:

1) He wants to stay married.

2) if He finds out definitively that she was making the beast with two backs with another man, he will NOT be able to get over it and will get the divorce he would like to avoid.

3) He knows polygraphs are not 100% effective. So what happens if his wife told a lie (she DID cheat) and she gets away with it...or even worse, she tells the TRUTH (she didn't cheat) but the machine says she lies! Wanna roll a dice on your marriage?

So...he is willing to live in a bit of denial as long as he gets a Stepford Wife in return.

But OP...remember this bit of wisdom from Merlin in "Excalibur"

The Doom of Men - YouTube

Do not badger her, but when things start to get better, don't let 'The Doom of Men' come upon her lest she fall into old habits out of neglect, arrogance or take your marriage for granted.

Because she found her way here once. Help her avoid it in the future.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

JCD said:


> OP correct me if I am wrong here:
> 
> 1) He wants to stay married.
> 
> ...


Up to him really. 

He wants to deny it to keep his marriage, fine. Doesn't make the nagging doubt go away and he'll be checking up after her for the rest of his life because the most essential question wasn't answered.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

I feel not getting the answers to fundamental questions is the surest way to cause oneself mental health issues, that present themselves in physical issues, and the surest way to bring the slow demise of a relationship.

Well, that's me anyway. I hope OP can compartmentalise the issue and move forward. I never could.

And because the consequences didn't happen, the issues (not cheating as far as I am aware) continued. No major priority put on to my conditions for the rest of our relationship. Or me for that matter. Only picking and choosing which ones to follow. There has only been priority placed when in the heat of the moment. When the heat is off, the conditions/requests are easily forgotten. All is ok so long as I keep quiet. Therefore, nothing has ever been ok.


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## Spiderman (Oct 29, 2012)

I can see lots of people suggesting you keeping your eye on her etc. I don't think this will really solve the problem. 

I would start by finding out WHY she needed to have an emotional affair in the first place??? Maybe there is something she needs and you didn't realize. Maybe she has issues need to be solved for herself. But I think that's where you two need to start.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

I find this whole concept of "underlying issues" interesting. Maybe I'm just a black/white concept dude. When someone decides to embark on an affair and then after that to lie about it, each lie, each mistruth to me are little betrayals in themselves.

You can embark on another relationship because the "spark" is gone, fine, as long as you've communicated that with your partner and you tried to work on it and you've gone your own ways.

But to stay with someone, to lie to them again and again, sneak off to a computer, converse with someone you used to have sex with and not tell your husband, those are conscious choices and for me you do it to someone you don't respect. So I'm a bit dubious when spouse gets caught, vows to change and swears up and down about their love and commitment, when they showed blatant and wilfull disregard for it in the first, second and third place.


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## Mtts (Apr 16, 2012)

RunFromYourWife said:


> She tells me that I want to believe something that she didn't do, and is preventing us from moving forward in our relationship. BTW...yes, I've already been tested for STDs...


I was told the same thing. It's interesting how they don't deny the statement, they say why do you WANT to believe this version over my NICER version, one that you can still keep me on a pedestal. 

To me that statement screams "there's more but I feel gross admitting it."


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

See you in 5 or 10 years.

Read S4E posts and that's most likely where you'll end up.

If you need to know, get the truth and put your mind at ease so that you can move on. If you can't move on, eventually it'll catch up to you and in the end could destroy your marriage no matter how much of a model wife she becomes from this point on.

Don't settle for the

Get over it, it's in the past and we need to move on to live happily ever after crap.

She gets the happily ever after deal, you get the bag of crap if you subscribe to that line.

If she really loves you and wants to really R, she should give you what you need to heal. Even if it means you might leave her. If she really loves you, she'll do what it takes to help you heal (except for abuse, physical or emotional).


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## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

RunFromYourWife said:


> Honestly that is the decision I've made, essentially to reconcile without ever _really knowing_. I believe that she is truly sorry for the past so if she would of told me when I asked then I would of forgiven her if she were truly remorseful....this time...


I did this (trusting her) and it turned out to be a disastrous mistake. She would never admit a thing...not even an EA. "He is just a friend" is all I heard from her. So I accepted that and R'd with her...big mistake. She wasn't really putting a lot of effort into us. Of course I found out the truth because I kept digging. Not only was it an EA but she was screwing him for a year and a half! I tried staying for a year after that, mostly because we have 3 kids, but in the end I couldn't deal with all of the damage she caused and her lack of remorse.

If she isn't kissing your ass completely right now then you may want to keep digging. WS's need to be facing the full consequences for their actions or they will not stop...they just get better at hiding it.

Yes, we are divorced now.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

RunFromYourWife

I don't know man, you just seem TOO CALM in your posting. I just feel your defending her too much to other posters. 

Just all seems too clinical and clean. 

Its just about apparent that in your mind you settled on a story for her. All I can say is I thought my wife from Sept 28th until December 29th wanted to reconcile. That is why I spent 3k on marriage counseling. 

Then of course on December 30th I discovered the Xmas present she bought the OM with our money. Of course I had to brow beat it out of her at 1 AM until she confessed. 

About a week later her phone would ring with his number and the contact picture was him and her hugging.

Sorry I just feel you will be back here soon enough.. Though I honestly and truly hope I am completely wrong.


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## AlphaHalf (Aug 5, 2012)

> Honestly that is the decision I've made, essentially to reconcile without ever really knowing. I believe that she is truly sorry for the past so if she would of told me when I asked then I would of forgiven her if she were truly remorseful....this time...


You've already decided to set yourself up for failure. Does the list of boundaries include telling the truth? She has already decided to brake it and you've already decided to not know it. Good luck with that.


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

EA or PA...what's the diff? 
They are both a breach of marital trust. 

OP, get your mind right and get in shape. 
Be someone women desire. 
Then - either forgive or accept your W's indiscretion(s), or move on. 

Pretty simple, actually.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## The bishop (Aug 19, 2012)

If your WW was alone with her AP at anytime, they ****ed. Adults who are attracted to each other don't meet to get acquainted unless they are single and looking for something long term.

As a cheater I can tell you she is following the Chester script and little by little controlling how "R" is is going to be. At some point she will probably cheat again if she isn't already. Why the hell is she allowed to talk to any male friends at this time? Especially who once was a **** buddy. You really need to gain some confidence, realize that you are more than just "her" and start taking control.

Cheaters who are not held accountable just get better at cheating, lying and hiding... We start looking pretty ideal just like you said your wife is. 

Real "R" consists of the WS healing the BS. Being a good spouse is just a small part of it.


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## RunFromYourWife (Feb 14, 2013)

AlphaHalf said:


> You've already decided to set yourself up for failure. *Does the list of boundaries include telling the truth?* She has already decided to brake it and you've already decided to not know it. Good luck with that.


LOL...now that is one thing I didn't think need to be in our list of boundaries. I would think telling the truth is a given, but perhaps that should be added.

As for the rest of your comments, I don't see how I am setting myself up for failure. I cannot do anything about what has already happened. If I could I certainly would. Not even a polygraph would provide certainty, as sometimes sheer nervousness can yield false positives.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Have you read this?The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011: Athol Kay: 9781460981733: Amazon.com: Books

No man in a realtionship should be without this book.


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