# Is it really over? 20 yr marriage.. Need advice



## californiamomof3 (Apr 25, 2015)

Hi there,

My first time posting here. I am a 45 year old mom of 3 kids, aged 21, 15 and 7. My husband is 55. Husband and I have been married for almost 20 years (second marriage for both, I had my son from previous, he had no kids from previous).

We spent many of our years together with him building his career and becoming very successful. I was and still am a stay at home mom. We built a great life which included a nice vacation home and a lot of fun family activities. My husband worked a lot, was not always happy about that (he felt and still feels a lot of pressure) but he also has enjoyed the extras that come with that success such as cars, boats, etc. 

A few years ago, our middle child was diagnosed with anxiety and depression. It got worse as she entered pre-teen years and she began self-harming, cutting herself. She was put on various medications. She went thru a period where she was suicidal and it culminated in her being hospitalized twice last summer - once for "hearing voices" and she was diagnosed with schizophrenia, bipolar and borderline personality. The other two kids have not had any issues; my husband's side of the family has a history of depression and his mom had been hospitalized when he was younger. On my side, my dad suffered mild depression and anxiety. So, we feel with our daughter she was pre-disposed to it.

Over the years as our child's situation got more serious and more troublesome, so did our relationship. Major fights with husband over everything from money, to disciplining the kids, to the condition of the house - I was never hard enough on the kids nor did I keep the house clean enough. And He felt he was working like crazy to keep up with a "lifestyle" I had come to expect. To some degree, he is right, but it worked both ways with him buying a lot of high end toys. We were not in any debt, he just worried that he could never retire. 

Finally, the issue with our daughter took a major toll on me, and after her second hospitalization I "snapped". Once she was stable, I took the kids and moved out and filed for divorce. It all happened so fast that I don't even recall what was motivating me. But, in September I rented a house in the same town and went along just making my own decisions. My husband wanted to get back together very badly, he would send me emails and call me saying he wanted "change" in our marriage. By then I was focused fully on our daughter's mental health, she could not attend school and was home with me every day. She had to be home schooled since her social anxiety overwhelming. 

About two month ago, my dad was visiting, and he said that is just unacceptable for her not to be in school. He helped me do some research and we found a private school that offered therapy throughout the day - my husband would not hear of it. He said it was too expensive (and yes he is right, it's about the same cost of a year of college). My husband said no way and yet I went ahead and enrolled her. My dad paid for it since we had not split all of our assets yet. 

Since that time, our daughter is doing much better. I know that for the majority of the last 7 months that we have lived apart, I had been thinking only about "curing" my daughter . I kept thinking it was my husband who was bringing her down since he wanted harsher disclipine for all of the kids including her. But now that she is seeming more stable, I have had time reflect and I am very distraught that this happened in the first place.

Thru the legal process I initiated, things became very bad between my husband and I. The name calling, the legal crap, it all caused us to stop talking on any rational level. But last week, I couldn't do it anymore. We had listed our home for sale and when it sold right away, he sent me a text message and I told him I was really kind of sad. I went on to tell him that I was sorry for the legal stuff and was having second thoughts. Our daughter was with him that day and he told her "I think mommy really didn't meant to have it go this far". She later told me she thinks he still loves me but that she is not sure getting back together is the right thing for our family (she's very mature for 15!). 

Since last week, I have really made a concerted effort to be nice to him and make it up to him. I do think that I want to reconcile but now that I have been showing that to him in some ways, he has backed off. I hugged him last week when I saw him, and since then he has kept his distance from me. He seemed to like the hug and also we talked on the phone a bit, but now he is just avoiding me. We had a doctor's appt for one of our other kids a few days ago and he wouldn't even make eye contact with me (he talked but just didn't look at me at all). Today he dropped off the kids and didn't come up to the door, just texted me he was sending them up to the house.

Where do I go from here? It is certainly not our daughter's fault that his happened, no more than if a family member had cancer, but I made a lot of decisions on my own for her and cast him aside. I also did not focus on our marriage at all and didn't arrange date nites the last year or two - it had become so hard because she would call us in the middle of dinner or when we were away on a trip, and we would have to come back home right away due to a mental health emergency with her. I feel like she has made very good strides at her new school and the therapy is working . But now our family is torn apart and I think I have lost my husband


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

This is a very sad story . 

First, I am very glad to hear your daughter is doing better. Have you talked at all to her about her feelings about her dad? Do you think her being away from him and the pressure he may put on her has contributed to her progress? My 14 year old daughter suffers from anxiety as well, but not to the same degree. Still, I really feel for her. And you.

One thing that really stood out to me was the "no eye contact" thing with regard to your husband. That was one of the first things I noticed about my STBX before I found out he wanted out because he still loves his ex (and he'd told HER this a month earlier). I think I'd try to find out if your husband might have already started moving on from you with someone else.....have you asked him this?


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## californiamomof3 (Apr 25, 2015)

Thank you. I don't think he has moved on with someone else, but I could be wrong about that. He pushed very hard to have our kids every weekend since he works very long hours during the week… he has been taking them on all his free time, because I think he feels very lonely. He wanted to keep "custody" of our daughter's dog LOL and fought me on that, because he said he felt so sad and lonely after work. 

The no eye contact thing was happening for a while when we were married too. I don't get it. I know there is some guilt there because his mom is the one who had the major mental issues and he knows it comes from there.


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## californiamomof3 (Apr 25, 2015)

Thank you married guy… I agree, that certainly could be.

Also, I do think that my daughter having space from her dad (he can be very overbearing) has in fact helped her. I would hate to think that the only way things can be OK with her is for us to live apart


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## californiamomof3 (Apr 25, 2015)

Thank you both… well, I don't think he is a relationship with anyone else but may have "emotionally" moved on  He works long hours during the week and has our kids 3 out of 4 weekends per month (Thur night to Sun night). He is lonely without them and in fact wanted to have "custody" of my daughter's dog all the time so he wouldn't be alone after work. 

I do think he is pushing me away a bit like you said marriedman, and I can't blame him. Things have been so nasty with the attorneys the past few months. In retrospect, I should have calmed down and checked into a hotel for a few weeks. I really did think he was part of the problem and I do kind of wonder if my husband had put a lot of stress on our daughter, which now that she not with him at all during the school week, she is a lot more functional. I would hate to think that the only way for her to be functional and doing well is for her dad and I to not be married


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## californiamomof3 (Apr 25, 2015)

*Update on my situation (not sure why but can't post a reply)*

I that I had huge regrets about filing for divorce, and questioned my reasons for doing so in the first place. For some reason, when I reply to the others who posted advice it doesn't show up. Maybe it's because I'm new to the board??

Things with my daughter's illness have been horrible the last few years. I truly regret putting my husband's needs by the wayside while I tried to "fix" our daughter. We used to go on date nites and have a great marriage. It all went downhill as our daughter's illness progressed. 

One poster questioned if my husband may have moved on to a new relationship due to the lack of eye contact with me recently: I don't think so, he fought to have our kids with him every weekend and all times he is not working. He works very long hours and has a 90 minute commute each way. On Fridays he can work from home so he has elected to have our kids then, and thru the weekend. When I told him I really need weekend time with the kids too, he did say he realized he was being selfish but was so lonely and upset without our family intact. So I have agreed to let him have the kids 3 out of 4 weekends per month. I think if he was involved with someone, he would try to make time for himself and that person. From all that I can tell, he is either working or with the kids, or visiting our adult son who is away at college. I recall him saying when I filed for divorce that he was not interested in dating and that he wouldn't want to do that until after our divorce was final (at the time he said it, he said he still held out hope we could work things out).

I do agree with "married man" who posted that my husband may be keeping an emotional distance from me. In fact, we met for coffee this morning. I requested it. I wanted to put my cards on the table and let him know straight up that I wanted to reevaluate the decisions I had made. I apologized and told him I had been very re-active in my decision making and made a lot of bad choices. He told me that he doesn't fully understand what I have been thru with our daughter because he works a lot, and I am left to be the one caring for her. He seemed very sympathetic to the load I am carrying with her. I often wonder if one of the reasons he does work so much is to avoid having to face her issues. Heck, if I could work, I would, just to get away from it for a while… it's very hard to deal with teenagers under any circumstances but one who is bi-poar and borderline, it has sucked the life out of me.

He did say he was still open to moving toward reconciliation, but that we have put each other thru a lot, and he is hoping that my reaching out in a positive way is not just temporary. So yeah, he is pretty guarded and I don't blame him. At this point I think I will just have to make sure I don't create anymore problems and focus on making time for the two of us. Even if it's just a weekly coffee for now, since that is low pressure and over time it can lead to more.

Anything else I should be doing? I guess time will tell what happens but I really would hate to throw away 20 years of mostly good times and our family life, because the last few years have been crazy stressful on us.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*Re: Update on my situation (not sure why but can't post a reply)*

Yes the posting issue is because you have a new account. 

I've approved all of your posts. You should be ok now.

I've also merged your two threads into this one. It really does help to keep your story in one place.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*Re: Update on my situation (not sure why but can't post a reply)*

Have you considered marriage counseling?

Get the books "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Love Busters". Ask him to read them with you and work through what the books say to do. It think that this should open up your communications and help the two of you restructure your marriage.

I do hope that you two can work things out.


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## californiamomof3 (Apr 25, 2015)

Yikes, sorry for the multiple posts, I didn't realize my posts had to be approved first so I wrote the same thing a a few times 

So my husband is extremely driven with work. It's pretty much is whole identity. He is a corporate executive like the person you described marriedman. A friend of mine is a psychiatrist and she said she obviously has not seen him clinically but she suggested more than once to me that perhaps he has Asperger's. He has those "Steve Jobs" tendencies for sure. 

When we first got married, we had not money and he had a mid-level management job. That was the happiest time of our lives. We had a lot of fun and he was engaged in our relationship. Later on he climbed the latter and then of course we had the problems with daughter… 

I am thinking until the dust settles, I may withdraw my divorce petition. I really don't know where I stand or where he stands. I feel the divorce took on a life of its own, I still love him, and I would like to see if there is anything left to save. There were no other factors, no affairs, no violence (well a lot of screaming so you can count that I supposed), and it's not that we fell out of love. Just a ton of life stressors. 

And yes we have gone for counseling, but we never really delved very deep. And it was only a few sessions.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

californiamomof3 said:


> Yikes, sorry for the multiple posts, I didn't realize my posts had to be approved first so I wrote the same thing a a few times
> 
> So my husband is extremely driven with work. It's pretty much is whole identity. He is a corporate executive like the person you described marriedman. A friend of mine is a psychiatrist and she said she obviously has not seen him clinically but she suggested more than once to me that perhaps he has Asperger's. He has those "Steve Jobs" tendencies for sure.
> 
> ...


I think withdrawing the divorce petition is a wise idea. And I also think you're probably right that there is nobody else given how much he wants to have the kids. 

There's no rush to make a decision today, this week, or this month. If you are not 100% sure, don't do it.


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

" after her second hospitalization I "snapped". Once she was stable, I took the kids and moved out and filed for divorce. It all happened so fast that I don't even recall what was motivating me. "

And you dont think something like this would have a major effect on your husbands identity? He is seriously threatened by a retirement future, and now, whats left of his ENTIRE future. I dont think you are acknowledging that he is scared also.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Whatever the case, you both let the relationship between the two of you languish. Your bond is not strong, even now, it is pretty weak.

If the bond was stronger, this whole situation most likely would never have occurred, but with the relationship on the back burner, your attachment to him has faded.

Your attachment is a drive, and it was weak enough to push aside and while you were emotionally charged, you quit the relationship.

You both need to work on your personal issues, and the issues you have as a couple. Where was the time you both needed to reinforce that bond? When did you last work on intimacy, and keep that emotional connection viable? It was a downward spiral, and the more the relationship was neglected, the harder it becomes to communicate and work on issues as a couple. Usually the stronger the bond, the more willing a couple is going to listen, compromise, and work through the issues together as a team.

You wonder why your best time together was when you both did not have much, you simply put more time and energy into each other. Those material things are not as important as most would believe. People get bored and replace things all the time.

Your love for him right now is still weak, even though you feel the pull to reconnect. Love is an addiction after all, and whatever little attachment you have for him wants to reconnect, even though it was a bad relationship. Even if you two got back together, and you do not become a couple again, it will only end in failure. So work on your end, and he should work on his own issues. If he has to cut down on work, and you have someone else look after your children, you both need the alone time. Take away the distractions, and hyper focus on each other, like what made you two strong together in the first place.


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