# Seeking female opinions..was I wrong for asking for advice from other women?



## frankunderwood88 (May 28, 2015)

Ok, so it all started back when I was a senior in high school. I came from a rather small town, and people were super close minded there, including my parents. A few people had came out of the closet, but not many. Anyways, I would notice myself checking out other men's penile regions during P.E. I didnt think much of it at the time, as I thought it was normal and that I was just comparing the size of my penis to other guys.

Fast forward to my freshman year of college, and I noticed that I started becoming more curious about anything that involved the penis. From giving oral sex, to getting anal..the curiosity grew by the day. I started looking at bi and gay porn on occasion, and that just made the fantasies more intense, more vivid. Fast forward a couple years, and I meet my wife. Urges are still there, and trying to push them away. I began to seek the advice from her female friends after we graduated from college. I didnt know how to handle my thoughts, and thought it was a good idea at the time.

The sad thing was, it ended up costing my wife and i the friendship with her best female friend from college. The girl was in our wedding too. Apparently she didnt appreciate me talking to her before my wife. Anyways, presently I am in therapy for all of this, and my wife and I have spoken a few times about things..but its always kinda akward. It has been discussed twice. Once after she found out i had spoken to other women, and the second was after i had trouble performing during sex.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Well, you were wrong for talking to her female friends and not your girlfriend/now wife, but even more than that, it appears you were wrong in marrying a woman.....


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## frankunderwood88 (May 28, 2015)

I honestly dont think I am gay. Bisexual, maybe..but i was/am so confused in that area..that i wanted to get the opinions of others before i told my wife.


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## frankunderwood88 (May 28, 2015)

Let me be clear. I love women in every way. Always have, and always will.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Woman here. Wrong for you to talk to other women. People are judgmental in many ways and this puts you and your wife in an awkward position. Your wife did not know that you have bi-sexual tendencies before she married you. You talked to other women, but not her. She did not sign up for this.

How old are you and your wife? Are you and your wife seeing a marriage counselor? You might need one as you are having difficulty with your sex life.


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## frankunderwood88 (May 28, 2015)

Roselyn said:


> Woman here. Wrong for you to talk to other women. People are judgmental in many ways and this puts you and your wife in an awkward position. Your wife did not know that you have bi-sexual tendencies before she married you. You talked to other women, but not her. She did not sign up for this.
> 
> How old are you and your wife? Are you and your wife seeing a marriage counselor? You might need one as you are having difficulty with your sex life.


I am 33, and my wife is 32. I am seeing a therapist independently.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

Just my own boundary but out of respect for my spouse, I only discuss my sex life with my spouse and neutral third-parties. A neutral third party would be my doctor or gynecologist, a counselor or the good and bad folks here at TAM because I maintain a semblance of anonymity here. 

I know that for me, as much as I am pro LGBT rights and have LGB friends, it is my preference to only date/marry a straight man. It would be difficult for me, finding out my husband/spouse had bisexual or homosexual tendencies would be very troubling if not a deal-breaker. I suspect it is for your wife although it may not be. I do have friends that this would be a non-issue for them. 

Finding out my spouse was talking to other women about our sex life or his fantasies and attractions etc. would feel like a violation of my boundaries. I'd feel disrespected. Especially if I was the last in the loop and he didn't go to me first about it. Exceptions to this would be if it were a professional or non-biased third party. 

I understand you come from a less progressive area or at least those in your immediate circle are not as accepting of people who are LGBT but hindsight being what it is, it would have been better to determine where you stand with your sexuality before marrying someone. I don't know what it's like to be a man who is curious or turned on by the same sex. However I can tell you that as a hetero woman, I've never been turned on or curious or tempted to experience sex with another woman or confused about how I feel about it so going by that I am pretty confident in my heterosexuality. Since you have felt some ways differently about it but towards men logic would have that you may be bisexual if not Gay. Especially if you ever experience difficulty becoming aroused by your wife or other women.

All of that said, I am sorry you're struggling with it. I would not wish to be conflicted about my sexuality. I could imagine it is not easy.


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## frankunderwood88 (May 28, 2015)

Miss Taken said:


> Just my own boundary but out of respect for my spouse, I only discuss my sex life with my spouse and neutral third-parties. A neutral third party would be my doctor or gynecologist, a counselor or the good and bad folks here at TAM because I maintain a semblance of anonymity here.
> 
> I know that for me, as much as I am pro LGBT rights and have LGB friends, it is my preference to only date/marry a straight man. It would be difficult for me, finding out my husband/spouse had bisexual or homosexual tendencies would be very troubling if not a deal-breaker. I suspect it is for your wife although it may not be. I do have friends that this would be a non-issue for them.
> 
> ...


I really like your post! Very insightful. I do admit I was wrong talking to others before her..but i was so scared and not sure how to proceed. 

I have had difficulties performing in the past. I have no problem getting aroused..but finishing during sex is another story.


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

Am I the only one that cracked up at the title of this thread?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I talk to my wife first about anything sexual concerning me and the ladies of TAM if I need feminine advice that Mrs. Conan might not have.

TAM ladies are a good resource. Just don't PM them with your personal sex questions.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## frankunderwood88 (May 28, 2015)

Ha, no personal sex questions. Just so confused on what to do, and how to proceed. we have talked twice about it, and shes been more understanding than i thought she would be..but part of me still thinks we should discuss it further.


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## frankunderwood88 (May 28, 2015)

Am I in denial? Closet?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

frankunderwood88,

I closed the other thread you started on this very same topic in Sex in Marriage. Only one thread on a topic at a time.

Ok?


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## frankunderwood88 (May 28, 2015)

I apologize. I thought I may have mis-categorized it originally. Do you have any input>?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Why did you think it was ok to talk to your wife's friend about this? You said that you did not feel that you could talk to anyone, but you did.

What advice did you ask from your wife's friend? How long did this go on?

One of the reasons that its wrong to ask for advice on personal things from another woman is that this is how intimacy is built between men and women. It usually starts with sharing intimate information... letting someone get closer and closer to you. 

Your wife's friend knew more about you than your wife did and probably still does.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

frankunderwood88 said:


> I apologize. I thought I may have mis-categorized it originally. Do you have any input>?


This forum gets a lot more activity than the Sex in Marriage on does. So you are probably better off with it here.


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## frankunderwood88 (May 28, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> Why did you think it was ok to talk to your wife's friend about this? You said that you did not feel that you could talk to anyone, but you did.
> 
> What advice did you ask from your wife's friend? How long did this go on?
> 
> ...


Basically, i asked my wifes friend if I ever came off gay to her. If she ever wondered about my sexual orientation. She said no, then proceeded to ask me if i was questioning mine. I vaguely said yes, to an extent..and then she told me i should be talking to my wife about it..which i agree with. This went on for about 2 years..although we didnt talk too often about it. One day, she stopped responding to messages..then i attempted to apologize and reconcile..she then deleted me from facebook and proceeded to call and text my wife about it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

frankunderwood88 said:


> Basically, i asked my wifes friend if I ever came off gay to her. If she ever wondered about my sexual orientation. She said no, then proceeded to ask me if i was questioning mine. I vaguely said yes, to an extent..and then she told me i should be talking to my wife about it..which i agree with. This went on for about 2 years..although we didnt talk too often about it. One day, she stopped responding to messages..then i attempted to apologize and reconcile..she then deleted me from facebook and proceeded to call and text my wife about it.


Do you now understand why it was not a good thing to do?

Why didn't you talk to your girlfriend.. the woman you are now married to?


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## frankunderwood88 (May 28, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> Do you now understand why it was not a good thing to do?
> 
> Why didn't you talk to your girlfriend.. the woman you are now married to?


I definitely understand now..

Well, at that time..my wife wasnt as understanding and open minded as she is now. I feared that she would leave me, or think I was gay if i told her...and when she did find out about things..that was her first gut reaction.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Since you already know it was wrong, what are you actually hoping to receive advice about? I think you need to reflect more on what you need now that the situation is out and you are dealing with the aftermath, rather than focusing on questioning something to which you already know the answer.


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## frankunderwood88 (May 28, 2015)

breeze said:


> Since you already know it was wrong, what are you actually hoping to receive advice about? I think you need to reflect more on what you need now that the situation is out and you are dealing with the aftermath, rather than focusing on questioning something to which you already know the answer.


Basically i was seeking advice on how to proceed..and am i indeed bi


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

frankunderwood88 said:


> Basically i was seeking advice on how to proceed..and am i indeed bi


Whether or not you are bi is only something you can answer. No one else can figure that out for you. It's like asking us to tell you what your favourite colour is. We could tell you that it's green, but does that make us right? Does it matter what we think?

As for how to proceed, I think this is again something you should be figuring out with your wife. This seems to be what you struggle with and continue to avoid.

Sit down with your wife and talk this out.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

frankunderwood88 said:


> I definitely understand now..
> 
> Well, at that time..my wife wasnt as understanding and open minded as she is now. I feared that she would leave me, or think I was gay if i told her...and when she did find out about things..that was her first gut reaction.


I hope that now you know that it was wrong to hide this from your now wife back then. Sure she might have left you. If she did then you would have moved on and found a woman who could deal with who you really are.

Even better, you could have taken time to find out more about your own sexuality before you married someone. Then if you wanted to be with a woman, you could have looked for one who you could talk to about your sexuality. That is what true intimacy is about.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

frankunderwood88 said:


> Basically i was seeking advice on how to proceed..and am i indeed bi


Like Breeze says, only you can know if you are bi.

You are curious about men and have thoughts about men. You also have a strong sexual attraction to women.

I consider myself straight but I find looking at women.. like pictures in Playboy, etc. to be a turn on. But I have no interest in having any sexual contact with any woman. 

Sexuality is not binary. People have different degrees of attraction to opposite sex and same sex. You fall somewhere on that continuum between 100% desiring only of women and 100% desiring only men.

What I wonder is what is the big deal? What are your plans here and why is it such a huge issue?

You are married. Do you love your wife? Do you want to stay married to her? If you do does it matter if you sometimes think of men sexually. If it does why?

Would you cheat on your wife with another woman?

Would you cheat on her with a man?

It's all cheating. So are you looking for a reason to explain why you want to cheat?

If you stay in a monogamous marriage for the rest of your life.. then you would never act on any thoughts you have about bi-sexuality. A lot of bi-sexuals marry one person and never have sex with anyone else. So what does it matter if they are bi-sexual?

See, my take on this is that you are looking for a way to tell your wife that you want to explore sex with men... aka... cheat on her. Or divorce her if she will not play along with this.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

"This went on for about 2 years."

Two years? Two years??? What, you didn't believe her the first time? Are you sure you didn't just like talking to another woman about sex? This is tantamount to an emotional affair. Are you addressing your neediness in therapy?


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## gouge_away (Apr 7, 2015)

Allow me to be Frank,

“There are two kinds of pain. The sort of pain that makes you strong, or useless pain. The sort of pain that’s only suffering. I have no patience for useless things.”

Bro,
labels don't define you, you define yourself.

Be honest with yourself, if you aren't sure what your sexual preferences mean to you, all that means is you aren't sure what your sexual preferences mean.

Nobody says you must study, experiment, explain, and label yourself.

As far as opening up to your wife's friends, without talking to her first, how humiliating for her. If I had questions about my sexuality, I wouldn't be talking to my wife's girlfriends...


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## frankunderwood88 (May 28, 2015)

I admit, it was a total wrong decision. Once i talked to her, she told other girls that we knew. The 2 years it went on was basically random facebook talks. I was never interested in this girl on a sexual level. Not suprisingly, it got to the point where if i knew someone, they had most likely heard something..or just assumed that my wife was with a gay man. At least that is what this girl told her on the phone..that she was worried she was married to a gay man.


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## frankunderwood88 (May 28, 2015)

It got to the point that her sisters knew as well. Or had heard things at least. If i could go back and have a do over, would i? you bet. But, I cant..and sadly things are just getting more intense in regard to the curiosities.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

It doesn't make sense that you talked to this friend for over 2 years about this issue. Once or twice is one thing but what the heck were you saying about this for 2 years? Something doesn't add up.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

frankunderwood88 said:


> Basically, i asked my wifes friend if I ever came off gay to her. If she ever wondered about my sexual orientation. She said no, then proceeded to ask me if i was questioning mine. I vaguely said yes, to an extent..and then she told me i should be talking to my wife about it..which i agree with. This went on for about 2 years..although we didnt talk too often about it. One day, she stopped responding to messages..then i attempted to apologize and reconcile..she then deleted me from facebook and proceeded to call and text my wife about it.


2 years is a very very long time.. it was a grave mistake.. one where she felt outside in the cold where others were all passing this information around.. Shame on her friend for not being more forthcoming, even DEMANDING you have this conversation with her (before sharing with others yet)... Her friend was NOT being a loving friend -looking out for her best interests... 

She feels "betrayed" by this.. I would see this in the category of "lying by omission"...to something that is* fundamental* to many of us... learning after the fact my H was Bi-sexual and struggled to perform when having sex.. I'd hit the Freaking rooftop ! 

She had a right to know you were struggling here...as this had the potential to throw a whopper monkey wrench into her future.. I've heard of 2 men , didn't know them personally.. who married women, thought they could handle it .. to leave them, their kids for a man as they grew older. 

I'm all for "opening up the good , bad the ugly" before walking down the aisle...every one has a right to decide what is a "deal breaker" to them.. or come to terms.. "I will accept you for where you are, we'll deal with it together".. she never got this opportunity.. but a # of other women were clued in.. this would be very difficult to swallow... yes.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

* I only have three pressing questions that I can think of:

(1) Is your personal counselor a male or a female?

(2) Anytime in your 33 years, either pre or post-marriage, have you ever had a wanted or an unwanted bisexual or homosexual experience?

(3) In your youth, were you ever a victim of child molestation?

I heartily agree with the bulk of my TAM brethren here that, for various and sundry reasons, that it was inherently wrong to bypass your W on this concern because as your W, she should be your biggest fan and confidante. And to see out counsel from friends of her friends only lends itself to either having them talk and gossip behind your back, or even worse, having your private conversations summarily leaked back to your W and other friends!

The only two people that should be privy to all of this is foremostly your W and your counselor. 

Now if you really want anonymous third party advise, then bouncing it off of the folks here at TAM or any similar site is certainly OK. But be forewarned that in doing so, you may not get the unanimous or consensus answer that you may be looking for, chiefly because of the marked probability of so many differing opinions on such an issue as this!*


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

frankunderwood88 said:


> I admit, it was a total wrong decision. Once i talked to her, she told other girls that we knew. The 2 years it went on was basically random facebook talks. I was never interested in this girl on a sexual level. Not suprisingly, it got to the point where if i knew someone, they had most likely heard something..or just assumed that my wife was with a gay man. At least that is what this girl told her on the phone..that she was worried she was married to a gay man.





frankunderwood88 said:


> It got to the point that her sisters knew as well. Or had heard things at least. If i could go back and have a do over, would i? you bet. But, I cant..and sadly things are just getting more intense in regard to the curiosities.


I've been in your wife's shoes, only what everyone else knew and I didn't was that my husband was a serial cheater. So, let me assure you that there's very little you could possibly have done that would cause your wife more humiliation. It's sort of irrelevant whether you ever acted on your homosexual curiosities. Everyone in your social circles has been gossiping, _snickering_, behind your wife's back - _for years _- about her gay husband. 

That your intensely poor boundaries with women kicked all this off, is a _profound_ betrayal of your wife and your relationship. You've painted your wife as an utter fool to all who know her - and you kept at it for 2 years, just in case anyone had any doubts. Understand that, aside from dealing with the news that you might be gay or bi-sexual, your wife is also trying to process the betrayal of being the absolute last to know something so deeply personal. Frankly, it's that which is likely to end your marriage, rather than just whatever sexual identity crisis you may be having.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

@frankunderwood88

How long ago did your wife's former friend tell your wife you have been discussing your sexuality with her? When did this all come out in the wash?


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## frankunderwood88 (May 28, 2015)

This all came out about a year ago. Her and I had random discussions over the 2 years before that. Maybe every few months. To answer the questions of other posters, the curiosity is to have a sexual experience with a man. Mostly oral. I've never been molested or anything even close to that. My therapist is female.


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## gouge_away (Apr 7, 2015)

Please release her, and let her decide if she wants you back after you have identified the real problem(s).


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

* Where I was greatly coming from was from the standpoint that had this been your W going through a similar sexual preference identity situation with her sporting perhaps an innate infatuation with females, as well as her curiosity regarding lesbian sex, wouldn't you expect her to bring those problems of hers, first and foremost to your doorstep, more especially since as her loving H, you have the greatest interest at stake in trying to salvage what is left of your married relationship to her?

Does that, in any way, stand to reason?*


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening all
I'm going to cut the OP some slack here. This is a really tricky problem. Talking with someone else doesn't have the risk of driving away the woman he loves. It would be nice to think that his wife would have been able to sit down and have a calm discussion about it, but some people can't do it. I've seen on these boards women and men who are terrified / horrified that their partner might be gay and might leave them.

It would be better if he could talk to his wife, but that would depend on her as well. 



For the other part, the OP needs to ask himself an honest question: is he sexually attracted to his wife, and is he willing to be faithful to her for the rest of his life? It doesn't matter if he is also attracted to other women or men - after all most married men are also attracted to other women but (hopefully) they do not act on that attraction. 

Having a same-sex attraction gives no more right or need to cheat than an opposite-sex one.


OTOH if the OP really is attracted to men, and not to his wife, then for both their sakes they should divorce


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## frankunderwood88 (May 28, 2015)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening all
> I'm going to cut the OP some slack here. This is a really tricky problem. Talking with someone else doesn't have the risk of driving away the woman he loves. It would be nice to think that his wife would have been able to sit down and have a calm discussion about it, but some people can't do it. I've seen on these boards women and men who are terrified / horrified that their partner might be gay and might leave them.
> 
> It would be better if he could talk to his wife, but that would depend on her as well.
> ...



I was extremely scared it would drive her away. Yes, i was wrong for seeking advice from other women first. 

As far as being attracted to her still, I am..but our sex life is almost non existent. When we do have sex, I feel like she does it because she feels obligated to, and not because she wants to. It is boring as well, as she is pretty shy sexually. I am not asking to do anything freaky, but just spice it up a bit.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

At this point, she may consider a kiss as freaky. Since you are interested in oral with other men, she may find that a complete turnoff. She may also be wondering if she has already kissed you after you have performed oral on a man. Not saying you have - but the thought may well be in her mind.

It might be a good idea to take sex off the table until you figure out your own sexuality and she becomes comfortable with it.

I don't mean to beat on you, but seriously, you just had to ask her best friend? There weren't any other women you could have asked? Didn't you consider for even for one minute that her BEST friend would tell her? Do you have 'stupid' stamped on your forehead?


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## frankunderwood88 (May 28, 2015)

Blondilocks said:


> At this point, she may consider a kiss as freaky. Since you are interested in oral with other men, she may find that a complete turnoff. She may also be wondering if she has already kissed you after you have performed oral on a man. Not saying you have - but the thought may well be in her mind.
> 
> It might be a good idea to take sex off the table until you figure out your own sexuality and she becomes comfortable with it.
> 
> I don't mean to beat on you, but seriously, you just had to ask her best friend? There weren't any other women you could have asked? Didn't you consider for even for one minute that her BEST friend would tell her? Do you have 'stupid' stamped on your forehead?


The girl that I spoke with..I was just as close with her as my wife was. In fact, we were super close with her and her husband. I agree, maybe taking sex off the table is a good idea. She never initiates. I am not sure if it is due to all of this, or she just has low libido.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Did you ever ask her husband if he perceived you as gay? Since you were super close did it occur to you that friend may have been discussing this with her husband?


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## frankunderwood88 (May 28, 2015)

No I never asked him. As time went on, he became very arrogant and opinionated. She did tell me once that she told him though.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
Not picking on you but: This is why it is so difficult for men to talk about bisexual feelings. If a man says that he finds other women attractive, no one gives it a second thought, or (unless there is other reasons) thinks he has had sex with them. If a man admits to a same-sex attraction, too many people start to assume he has acted on it. 

This is why it would be so difficult for the OP to tell his wife about his same-sex attractions. 

Its unfortunate really, if he could talk about it, they might be able to satisfy his interests with a little gender play in the bedroom. 




Blondilocks said:


> At this point, she may consider a kiss as freaky. Since you are interested in oral with other men, she may find that a complete turnoff. She may also be wondering if she has already kissed you after you have performed oral on a man. Not saying you have - but the thought may well be in her mind.
> 
> It might be a good idea to take sex off the table until you figure out your own sexuality and she becomes comfortable with it.
> 
> I don't mean to beat on you, but seriously, you just had to ask her best friend? There weren't any other women you could have asked? Didn't you consider for even for one minute that her BEST friend would tell her? Do you have 'stupid' stamped on your forehead?


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## frankunderwood88 (May 28, 2015)

Blondilocks said:


> At this point, she may consider a kiss as freaky. Since you are interested in oral with other men, she may find that a complete turnoff. She may also be wondering if she has already kissed you after you have performed oral on a man. Not saying you have - but the thought may well be in her mind.
> 
> It might be a good idea to take sex off the table until you figure out your own sexuality and she becomes comfortable with it.
> 
> I don't mean to beat on you, but seriously, you just had to ask her best friend? There weren't any other women you could have asked? Didn't you consider for even for one minute that her BEST friend would tell her? Do you have 'stupid' stamped on your forehead?





richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> Not picking on you but: This is why it is so difficult for men to talk about bisexual feelings. If a man says that he finds other women attractive, no one gives it a second thought, or (unless there is other reasons) thinks he has had sex with them. If a man admits to a same-sex attraction, too many people start to assume he has acted on it.
> 
> This is why it would be so difficult for the OP to tell his wife about his same-sex attractions.
> ...


I totally agree with you. I havent acted on it. Sex toys and porn are about as much as I have done. I honestly think if we had more sex, and maybe more "fun" sex, then maybe this wouldnt be such an issue for me? Idk.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
For some men, bisexual feelings are closely related to an interest in submission in the bedroom. Something that could be satisfied with strapon play and the like. (again, this is *some*, certainly not all).

If there are types of bedroom play that you think would satisfy your desires, then the question is how to let your very sexually conservative wife know.

I think it would help if you can figure out what you want .





frankunderwood88 said:


> I totally agree with you. I havent acted on it. Sex toys and porn are about as much as I have done. I honestly think if we had more sex, and maybe more "fun" sex, then maybe this wouldnt be such an issue for me? Idk.


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## frankunderwood88 (May 28, 2015)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> For some men, bisexual feelings are closely related to an interest in submission in the bedroom. Something that could be satisfied with strapon play and the like. (again, this is *some*, certainly not all).
> 
> If there are types of bedroom play that you think would satisfy your desires, then the question is how to let your very sexually conservative wife know.
> ...


Yes, i am definitely interested in submission in the bedroom. Her pegging me, or me wearing her underwear.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> Not picking on you but: This is why it is so difficult for men to talk about bisexual feelings. If a man says that he finds other women attractive, no one gives it a second thought, or (unless there is other reasons) thinks he has had sex with them. If a man admits to a same-sex attraction, too many people start to assume he has acted on it.
> 
> This is why it would be so difficult for the OP to tell his wife about his same-sex attractions.
> ...


I think that most, if not all, of us understand why it the OP would have found it difficult to talk to his wife about this before they married.

But that's not the issue. The issue is that he married her under false pretense. A person's sexual orientation is a very important bit of information that needs to be shared BEFORE marriage. He lied to her by omission.

When a person has something like this going on in their heads, they need to be upfront and honest with anyone that they are serious with. There are women who have to problem with marrying a bi man. He should have held out until he found one of them.


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## frankunderwood88 (May 28, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> I think that most, if not all, of us understand why it the OP would have found it difficult to talk to his wife about this before they married.
> 
> But that's not the issue. The issue is that he married her under false pretense. A person's sexual orientation is a very important bit of information that needs to be shared BEFORE marriage. He lied to her by omission.
> 
> When a person has something like this going on in their heads, they need to be upfront and honest with anyone that they are serious with. There are women who have to problem with marrying a bi man. He should have held out until he found one of them.


I know it doesnt justify my actions, but before we were married..she would make random comments and ask me things when she was drinking that clued me into the fact that she either knew, or heavily suspected. Things such as:

"Have you ever had sex with a guy?"
"Are you sure you are straight?"

She even told me once that after a night of less than spectacular sex that she got the gay vibe a bit.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
I think maybe this can all be made to work. It seems that there are things you can do with your wife that would keep you satisfied. Are you happy to also do the things she enjoys in bed? 






frankunderwood88 said:


> Yes, i am definitely interested in submission in the bedroom. Her pegging me, or me wearing her underwear.


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## frankunderwood88 (May 28, 2015)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> I think maybe this can all be made to work. It seems that there are things you can do with your wife that would keep you satisfied. Are you happy to also do the things she enjoys in bed?


If she would tell me what those things are, definitely. She is really closed off about sex. I mean, I dont know why. She was raised in a very religous household, but idk.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening EleGirl
I'm not sure I would go as far as "false pretenses". As long as he is also attracted to women, same-sex or kinky interests may not be the sort of thing you talk about before getting married. 

I have a number of kinky interests that I know I can't tell my wife. I can live without them, I'm pretty sure they would disturb her, so there is no point telling her.

I put some bisexual interests in the same category as kinky interests. 


All of this is very situation dependent. Some people are very open to leaning about their partner's interests, others are easily disturbed. 




EleGirl said:


> I think that most, if not all, of us understand why it the OP would have found it difficult to talk to his wife about this before they married.
> 
> But that's not the issue. The issue is that he married her under false pretense. A person's sexual orientation is a very important bit of information that needs to be shared BEFORE marriage. He lied to her by omission.
> 
> When a person has something like this going on in their heads, they need to be upfront and honest with anyone that they are serious with. There are women who have to problem with marrying a bi man. He should have held out until he found one of them.


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## frankunderwood88 (May 28, 2015)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening EleGirl
> I'm not sure I would go as far as "false pretenses". As long as he is also attracted to women, same-sex or kinky interests may not be the sort of thing you talk about before getting married.
> 
> I have a number of kinky interests that I know I can't tell my wife. I can live without them, I'm pretty sure they would disturb her, so there is no point telling her.
> ...


as far as kinky interests go..she knows I have experimented with sex toys, and that I enjoy anal penetration immensely. She also knows(vaguely) that I am curious about oral sex with a man. Both giving and receiving.


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## frankunderwood88 (May 28, 2015)

Therapy seems to only make things more obvious too.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
If she was willing to play to your kinks, would you be happy with just your wife, or would you still want to experience sex with a man?




frankunderwood88 said:


> as far as kinky interests go..she knows I have experimented with sex toys, and that I enjoy anal penetration immensely. She also knows(vaguely) that I am curious about oral sex with a man. Both giving and receiving.


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## frankunderwood88 (May 28, 2015)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> If she was willing to play to your kinks, would you be happy with just your wife, or would you still want to experience sex with a man?


If she was willing to, yes I would just be happy with that..but I cant deny that a small part of me would simply be "curious" to know what its like..mainly giving oral sex.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
you need to decide if it is "curious" or a sort of compulsion. Will it keep eating away at you until you have a chance to try it - or can you just ignore it?





frankunderwood88 said:


> If she was willing to, yes I would just be happy with that..but I cant deny that a small part of me would simply be "curious" to know what its like..mainly giving oral sex.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

frankunderwood88 said:


> as far as kinky interests go..she knows I have experimented with sex toys, and that I enjoy anal penetration immensely. She also knows(vaguely) that I am curious about oral sex with a man. Both giving and receiving.


And you still don't think you're gay? I find that truly bizarre. 




richardsharpe said:


> For the other part, the OP needs to ask himself an honest question: is he sexually attracted to his wife, and is he willing to be faithful to her for the rest of his life? It doesn't matter if he is also attracted to other women or men - *after all most married men are also attracted to other women but (hopefully) they do not act on that attraction.
> *


Maybe we don't act on that attraction because we can still get (most of) what we want at home. I can act on that attraction with my wife. He can't. If he wants to be anally penetrated by a live one, which he will soon enough, he can find it easy. And probably will. And I've got to think sucking a dildo (or WHATEVER he does to satisfy THAT urge) will get boring after a while when there are THOUSANDS of live ones within a quick phone call he can get. 

No, that's a non-sequiter. There is no relationship between the two.



frankunderwood88 said:


> As far as being attracted to her still, I am..but our sex life is almost non existent. When we do have sex, I feel like she does it because she feels obligated to, and not because she wants to.


What's better for a low-libido woman than to marry a gay man? You said she thought you were gay before you married. She probably thought she hit the jackpot (until you spilled her secret all around town).




frankunderwood88 said:


> I am not asking to do anything freaky, but just spice it up a bit.


With strapons and anal penetration? Did you ever suggest anything remotely hetero to spice it up?

Sorry. I just realized I'm all over the place. She's pissed because you spilled her little secret. 

As for YOU, get help coming to terms with who you are. Go on gay sites and ask them. They'll help you. Where I feel bad for you is that you need to live a lie. Coming out will be the best thing that ever happened to you.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

MachoMcCoy said:


> What's better for a low-libido woman than to marry a gay man? You said she thought you were gay before you married. She probably thought she hit the jackpot (until you spilled her secret all around town).
> 
> ...She's pissed because you spilled her little secret.


Yeah, because the only possible reason a woman who suspects her husband is gay, and has been betrayed and publicly humiliated by him, might not be gagging for sex with him is because she's "pissed" he spilled the secret that she's low-drive. Oh, yeah, clearly _she's_ the bait-and-switcher here. 

:slap:


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

I think the most important thing is that you get clear with yourself about what you want and be true to yourself regardless of what your wife thinks/feels. Not that her thoughts and feelings aren't important, but you can't decide what to do until you know what you want. What Richardsharpe is saying is important. Is oral sex with a man enough of a curiosity that you will resent not experiencing it? The answer to that alone means it doesn't matter what your wife's libido is like. She could be on you 24/7 and you would still resent missing that.

Also important to consider is whether you are sexually attracted to both men and women, if there are only certain acts that you would like to experience with either of them, and if you are ROMANTICALLY attracted to both men and women. Because you can be sexually attracted to a gender but not be interested in a romantic life with that gender. 

I feel for you. I've grappled a little bit with whether or not I'm bisexual and it's a difficult discussion to have with yourself. But I think it's harder for men to have that discussion with their partners because women tend to go straight to "gay." It's harder to accept male bi-sexuality for some reason. And honesty with your partner may mean you will lose her, but do you really want to hide who you are from your partner for the rest of your lives?


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## gouge_away (Apr 7, 2015)

You want to experience a guys peen in your butt, and in your mouth...
I don't know what more you need to figure out at this point...

Its quite obvious isn't it.

The conflict isn't whether your gay or bi, its admitting to yourself that you feel trapped with this woman, and you don't feel its fair to abandon her because you evaded the the truth.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
I think it depends on how strong "want" is. 

I *want* to experience an orgy with the entire Icelandic women's beach-volleyball team , but that doesn't mean that I'm about to leave my wife to do so, or that I feel that something vital is missing from my life. 

Is "want" a mild desire or an irresistible compulsion?



gouge_away said:


> You want to experience a guys peen in your butt, and in your mouth...
> I don't know what more you need to figure out at this point...
> 
> Its quite obvious isn't it.
> ...


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## gouge_away (Apr 7, 2015)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> I think it depends on how strong "want" is.
> 
> I *want* to experience an orgy with the entire Icelandic women's beach-volleyball team , but that doesn't mean that I'm about to leave my wife to do so, or that I feel that something vital is missing from my life.
> ...


Are you questioning how that *want* relates to your personal identity?

I'm sure you could easily fulfill that want any day of the week.
Just post a craiglist add, that Icelandic Volleyball team is guaranteed to show.


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## frankunderwood88 (May 28, 2015)

Ok, I think I need to clarify a few things:

First, I honestly do not believe I am fully homosexual. I have always been very into women on all levels. Sexually, emotionally, etc. 
Second, I do not, at this current point in my life..desire a romantic relationship with a man..such as boyfriend, etc. All i am curious about is oral sex. Ive experienced anal by myself, so I know what that is like. 

I think the curiosity has grown because I never have had the chance to try it. Would I like to try it? Sure, if I was single.


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

frankunderwood88 said:


> Ok, I think I need to clarify a few things:
> 
> First, I honestly do not believe I am fully homosexual. I have always been very into women on all levels. Sexually, emotionally, etc.
> Second, I do not, at this current point in my life..desire a romantic relationship with a man..such as boyfriend, etc. All i am curious about is oral sex. Ive experienced anal by myself, so I know what that is like.
> ...


If you were on your deathbed, and you'd never tried it, would you regret it? In an ideal world, would you like to have a wife who would peg you and occasionally let you suck d*ck? They exist. Your wife may be one of them. But again, you need to be clear with yourself and her about what you can't live without vs. are curious about. 

In terms of your marriage though, regardless of what you discover about yourself, your wife's interest in sex could be seriously curtailed by the fact that you kept this secret from her but shared with others AND her being thrown by the revelation - being turned off, or afraid you're gay, or whatever. However, if her interest in sex was low even before she found out, you may simply be sexually incompatible in terms of libido. Lots of things to unravel here.


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## bimarriedguy (Jun 23, 2015)

As a male in the same situation maybe I can help out. I was married 11 years before I told my wife of my urges. After awhile she encouraged me to explore it. It took me sometime to do that, and I was shocked by her reaction. I had to hook ups with 2 very different guys. I was highly attracted to them, they were both what I would consider very hot. However, the end result was not satisfying. I determined I am not fond of male to male sex. Even thought maybe it was because the first guy was small, well the second guy was anything but small. I have done a lot of research and have come to the conclusion I am not bisexual but I have SSA, same sex addiction. I still enjoy looking at men live or on porn, I have fantasies when masturbating, and check guys out when I am out and about. That being said you should of never talked to your wife's friend. You violated trust. You cannot act on your feelings if your wife is not ok with it, and even at that I would be cautious. I can tell you for me it changed my marriage. In some ways stronger, and in others weaker.


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