# Question for women and wayward women



## Bodhitree (Dec 29, 2011)

A question for _women_ that may have gone wayward on spouse or other women in general. It's been 6 months since D day. She claimed "no affair just friends", but I obviously know better- at minimum EA. She indicated she felt that deep down that I did not love her after 20 years and that she reached a point of acceptance that she was no longer going to live in such relationship. So after much agonizing (according to her) she got involved with co worker (but only friends- yeah right). Anyway, since all this went down, she seems really disconnected at times- she used to touch me physically and sexually a lot and now she seems distant often and not much touching to me. I can't tell if its me because sometimes I plain old don't feel like touching her or having sex. She was always the initiator of sex and was very open about it with me before- now she touches me occasionally but not very much. Not to be too crude, but she had often given oral to me but now rarely if ever- I almost have to ask for it. My question is - is this normal after an EA or PA? We have done well in counseling and express love for one another often, she finally quit job where OM works. But she just seems different. I cannot tell if it's the embarrassment and guilt and realization she almost blew our relationship up, or if the EA/PA was a lot more than what she is saying and holding secrets that is causing reluctance about sex. The only suspicious thing is she tried a new sexual position and she seems to let "crude" things slip from time to time - she doesn't seem herself. Any insight into this from a woman's perspective would be appreciated.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Why was your wife always the initiator? Do you think that you don't need to make her feel like YOU want HER??


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## sirwonder (Feb 24, 2011)

I'm a man, but it's been 7 months for me and my wife since she had her PA/EA and although we are doing well, the affection and sex is only starting to get more frequent now. What you've described is similar to what I've experienced with my wife.

A lot of times I don't feel like having sex with my wife either, and she's not totally "there" yet as well. It's part of the rebuilding process to come back from what she did. Even one year isn't very long in relationship time, so be patient. This stuff takes longer than you think.

And yes, at this point in R, 6 months, sometimes she will just seem "different." Focus on the times that she's not. Focus on the good.

I believe that it takes a woman a long time to come back (and maybe some men too) from being detached emotionally, and it takes them a long time to put the affair and all the associated feelings of guilt and shame behind them. 

I'm no sex therapist, but one thing has worked for me to get my wife more interested in sex: at a time when she seems to be acting pretty "normal" and you're away from each other, and you're feeling pretty good, flirt with her via text. Put some mystery in it. Get her excited for something. Take control! Then plan something to spice things up a bit that night. Tell her what you want! Get a little nasty if you think she's into it. It might be just the thing she wants. If all of that is out of character for you, she will probably be especially excited. It has worked for me.


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## KimatraAKM (May 1, 2013)

Bodhitree said:


> My question is - is this normal after an EA or PA?


I'd say it's probably guilt. Anything you do with her, any sex, any fierceness on her part is probably making her feel guilty. You know she cheated.. so it's probably in her mind that you "might" be thinking that she did this with her OM. You might be thinking that she might be thinking about her OM while your with her. It's probably screwing her up. 

There is no way she'll reveal her fantasies, initiate sex (for fear of rejection), etc. She's probably hoping you'll come to her when your comfortable enough to have her again. 

Maybe your wife is feeling totally unattractive to you because of the cheating. She probably feels like she doesn't deserve you. Bet she's trying to take your lead on what exactly you want to do.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

Bodhitree said:


> A question for _women_ that may have gone wayward on spouse or other women in general. It's been 6 months since D day. She claimed "no affair just friends", but I obviously know better- at minimum EA. She indicated she felt that deep down that I did not love her after 20 years and that she reached a point of acceptance that she was no longer going to live in such relationship. So after much agonizing (according to her) she got involved with co worker (but only friends- yeah right). Anyway, since all this went down, she seems really disconnected at times- she used to touch me physically and sexually a lot and now she seems distant often and not much touching to me. I can't tell if its me because sometimes I plain old don't feel like touching her or having sex. She was always the initiator of sex and was very open about it with me before- now she touches me occasionally but not very much. Not to be too crude, but she had often given oral to me but now rarely if ever- I almost have to ask for it. My question is - is this normal after an EA or PA? We have done well in counseling and express love for one another often, she finally quit job where OM works. But she just seems different. I cannot tell if it's the embarrassment and guilt and realization she almost blew our relationship up, or if the EA/PA was a lot more than what she is saying and holding secrets that is causing reluctance about sex. The only suspicious thing is she tried a new sexual position and she seems to let "crude" things slip from time to time - she doesn't seem herself. Any insight into this from a woman's perspective would be appreciated.


Hi, I can give you a woman's perspective, but it's just the same as a man's; read my story - linked below. It sounds scarily similar to yours.


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## HarryDoyle (Jan 19, 2013)

The Walking Thread.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

DawnD said:


> Why was your wife always the initiator? Do you think that you don't need to make her feel like YOU want HER??


This question needs to be answered. How many times do we hear from men that they always have to initiate and it makes them feel like sex is obligatory? If I always had to initiate I'd stop, and might eventually end the relationship and look elsewhere.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Bodhitree, I'm a female person and I was disloyal, so here's my thoughts. There are three things in your quotes that sort of catch my eye:



> ...It's been 6 months since D day. She claimed "no affair just friends", but I obviously know better- at minimum EA. She indicated *she felt that deep down that I did not love her after 20 years *and that *she reached a point of acceptance that she was no longer going to live in such relationship*. So after much agonizing (according to her) she got involved with co worker (but only friends- yeah right).


Here's what that sounds like to me. You two have been together a LONG time, and she wanted you. She would have preferred if you LOVED HER and probably by that she means that should would have preferred if you had passionate desire for her in every possible way: intellectually, emotionally and physically. She thinks that she tried for a period of time to get you to LOVE HER with some passion, and after trying she came to the conclusion that you just do not have deep, consuming interest in HER. So she asked herself "Can you live with that?" and she was sad. She was sad that you did not find her smart, funny, interesting and beautiful...but she accepted that was "where you were at" and looked elsewhere. 

Now I am not in your head. Inside yourself you may find her the most wonderful ever-blooming flower to ever bless your life! But that was not communicated to her in a way that she "heard it" or understood, and she used that lack as her justification for looking to someone else. And again, I'm not saying she was right to do so! OH HECK NO! But that is what I see her saying here. 



> Anyway, since all this went down, she seems really disconnected at times- *she used to touch me physically and sexually a lot *and now she seems distant often and not much touching to me. I can't tell if its me because sometimes I plain old don't feel like touching her or having sex. She was always the initiator of sex and was very open about it with me before- now she touches me occasionally but not very much. Not to be too crude, but she had often given oral to me but now rarely if ever- I almost have to ask for it.


So in her head, before she accepted that you just weren't that into her, she tried to ignite some passion by touching you a lot physically (hugs and kisses) and being sexual with you. That didn't seem to light any kind of flame. You didn't ever come after her, pursue her, need her, desire her. So she thought passion was dead in you and went to someone else. Now you believe the affair is over, but what have you done to indicate that you DO desire her, love her, want her? Do you smile when she walks in the room? Do you act excited when she is around you? Because if not, I don't see what reason she has to believe that what she thinks (He has no passion for me) has changed or is different. What do your actions show her? 

Now I do understand that a) as life moves along one spouse can hit those menopause years and sex drive changes...whereas the other spouse has not hit that change and they are still more "interested" and b) just because you are not as sexually interested doesn't mean you don't feel passion for her. However, it sounds to me as if she feels like "What's the point of initiating? He is not interested in me, and from this point forward I will have a nice, boring little life where I'm okay but not adored and treasured." If that was how you thought she felt, would you keep trying to initiate with a partner who was milktoast lukewarm? I wouldn't. I'd quit trying and give up. 



> My question is - is this normal after an EA or PA? We have done well in counseling and express love for one another often, she finally quit job where OM works. But *she just seems different.* I cannot tell if it's the embarrassment and guilt and realization she almost blew our relationship up, or if the EA/PA was a lot more than what she is saying and holding secrets that is causing reluctance about sex. The only suspicious thing is she tried a new sexual position and she seems to let "crude" things slip from time to time - *she doesn't seem herself*. Any insight into this from a woman's perspective would be appreciated.


I would say "See Above." I'm not saying what it's "the right thing to do" or "the right way to feel" but I suspect that may be where she's at. Why don't you just read to her what I wrote and see if that's close to how she feels? If so, what are you willing to do to SHOW HER how much she lights your fire and makes you blaze with passion? It will take more than words.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

I think, as a woman, we want to be wanted (as do men!), however, women have their general 'role' and we like to be taken, no holds barred. We like the man in control. We really do like the man in control! We like the man to know what he is supposed to do, to read us, our pleasure, to do what we want when we want it. 

That is not to say it is one sided. Absolutely not! We need to read you men too, do what you like us to do, passion makes us want to! 

I love, absolutely love, to do what makes my man horny and crazy. I also wish I was better at it, but I try to read what he wants and do what makes him wild and try really hard to overcome my difficulties in certain areas e.g. dirty talk (I am really crap at that! Very awkward.) But you gotta make the effort yeah? 

For a woman to have to spend so many years being the main instigator, that must be demoralising. 

If she felt after 20 years that you did not love her, I would imagine that it is because you have not shown it. And if she had accepted you did not love her, she has pulled away because of that (I assume she told you this on many occasions?). If she is distant, she may be actually really FEELING that because she feels you do not love her. 

The only thing I could suggest is to start fancying her again, to sexually WANT her (it seems you have NEVER sexually wanted her as it has always been her wanting you). Do things with her, FOR her, and to her!

I don't mean 'become a doormat', just spend time looking after her....Team bodhitree and Wife against the world!

Also, she may well be feeling distant due to the 'love' she was getting from her 'friend', and she misses that. You, I think, have to fill that gap by wanting her. Change your habits. Start showing your love. Your wants. Be proactive. A team in all you do.

I felt distant to my ex....he wanted sex but nothing else. I was his 'mother' so to speak. No 'us', just me. Looking after my 2 kids and him too! I was everyone's slave pretty much. So of course, I felt no sexual urges towards him whatsoever after some time. None. If we were a team, if he wanted to do things for me like I did him, if he cared even a little bit about me, I would have stayed with him forever. He just wanted sex. So, he did nothing for me or with me, I wanted no sex. 

However, another ex, when I was much younger, he did everything...the complete opposite to my last ex. He did loads in the house, loads for 'us' but he never showed me love. It was always me who wanted him. He never wanted me. He never took the initiative. Far too nice and far too reserved. He never showed any love or passion to me at all. And I took that as a complete lack of love. I felt consistently uneasy and unsure of him. 

Of course, this is all advice on the fact that all you write here is the only facts there is. That there is no other circumstances. And there is no PA or EA continuing etc.



Just my take on things, and not feeling close to my man. Not feeling loving and warm. 

My current man is all those things I wish I had had. Loving, helpful, 'team us', sexual, warm, complimentary, very very loving, etc. And there is passion and love and all the things that were missing in my last 2 relationships. 

Hmmmm you can't have it all though! Infidelity hit this one....is why I am here!


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Affaircare said what I wanted to say, far more beautifully and far more 'hitting the nail on the head' than I could. I said what I said in the best way I could, but she just hit it perfectly!

You need to SHOW her how much she means to you. You HAVE to show her how much you love her, are attracted to her, want her. In sexual AND non sexual ways.


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## firefly789 (Apr 9, 2013)

I know what it's like to be mostly the initiator. When H went on blood pressure and pre-diabetic medication two years ago his sex drive took a nose drive. I started noticing that I was the one always reaching for him. I don't think he even noticed that change. It took a while, but we finally had a talk. I told him that it feels bad to be the one always initiating. I also told him how often I needed sex a week (2 - 3 times). He made a conscious effort to start initiating, too. Now, I'm a lot happier.

I think it's even harder to be a woman than a man in this situation. Women want to be desired. I never turned outside our marriage, but it was hard emotionally. However, I knew the reason for this change was his meds. Why aren't you initiating sex? Has it been this way the whole marriage, or was it recent? Also, did you feel like not touching her before the EA? I think sex is the glue that holds a marriage together for both men and women. If your sex life is good, other parts of the marriage are easier to work on.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Sounds like you both have not fully recovered.

She seems like still subsconsciously affected by her A. Feeling guilty.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

Either she had a full blown PA and you both totally rugswept it, or she still in one.

The "initiating sex" thing is two types of red: flag and herring.


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## LoriC (Feb 18, 2013)

It takes a long time to establish the connection again. It took me months, I found reading some books to be instrumental to getting my marriage back on track. She didn't fall out of love with you overnight and she won't fall back in love with you overnight. IC also helped my tremendously. It doesn't sound like she has established that connection again with you yet. And yes guilt is difficult. Have her go to IC to help her get over this hurdle.


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## Voltaire (Feb 5, 2013)

Remains said:


> I think, as a woman, we want to be wanted (as do men!), however, women have their general 'role' and we like to be taken, no holds barred. We like the man in control. We really do like the man in control!


Yeah, until you're done with the man........and then you complain that he is "controlling" and do your best to make him sound like a completely unreasonable bully!!


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Voltaire said:


> Yeah, until you're done with the man........and then you complain that he is "controlling" and do your best to make him sound like a completely unreasonable bully!!



There can't possibly be middle ground between your man making clear he wants you sexually and being a controlling #$&#$  
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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