# Rebuilding Trust



## iheartmywife (May 23, 2008)

Me and the misses have decided to fight to very good fight and stay together. we had a counseling with my pastor which was great. it really opened her eyes as to what a marraige was. 
Very long story short. she cheated and i found out. now comes the healing process. 

how to you get back to trusting someone who has done the worst to you. (well in sure her having dudes kid would be worst case cinario but this is runner up). i know it takes a while to gain back that trust but i dont know how to just believe her anymore. i have forgiven her for what she did but im finding it hard to put my heart back out there like that.

how do you get past this. i truely want to be with her and to love her the way she should be loved. 

help please


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Building trust can be very difficult. She will have to accept that her life is now an open book to you. She must be completely honest with you and not be offended if you question her or ask to see her phone records, emails….. It will just have to be this way for a while. While the pain of the affair will always be there to some extent with time your trust will return if she keeps her promises to you. This will likely be a long road and there are no short cuts. Keep plenty of patience and forgiveness in your quiver and with time your deeper feelings will likely return. Don’t throw the affair in her face in the future, you both want to get past it. Good luck.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

Trust is earned, she will need to earn your trust back. If I were in your shoes that is the way I would have to have it to truly trust again. Does she do things to try to earn your trust back? If she is working to earn your trust, then work equally has hard to move past this and leave it in the past. If she wants to be with you, she should know she needs to win your trust back.


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## the journey (Jul 10, 2008)

I'm dealing with a similiar situation with my husband! So far the only evidence I have is the cell phone records. When confronted he lied and told me that it was someone elses number. Did he think I wouldn't check considering all the lies from the past. I didn't catch them physically having an affair...I'm suppose to take his word on it that it never got physical. I'm to embarressed to explain everything he's done over the twelve years of marriage! He said he'd go to counseling but he backed out last time we tried to do marriage couseling. I was weak and gave into discontinuing therapy last time. I'm a christian woman wondering, how many times do I have to forgive him, why should I forgive him and why does he keep hurting me? I plan on honoring my wedding vows but he just keeps breaking them! I need help, advice please!


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

She needs to lead an open life or rather a transparent one where you can see for yourself that there is nothing to worry about. It is a long road for the both of you. An important factor is communication. With that you will know more of what is going on in the relationship and see the good things and be able to take on the bad things.

draconis


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## iheartmywife (May 23, 2008)

Thank you guys for the advice. communication is important. im just having trouble getting across to her. she tells me that she wants to try but im not really seeing it. there are certain things that i asked of her that for whatever reason she is reluctant to do. then what i realize she is doing is pulling up the same old stories of how i messed up while we were dating. which by the way i admitted to but she is looking for me to say that a slept with a certain female and i didnt. its like she puts obstacles in the way of the real problem. when i get off of work we are sopose to sit down and really talk. i may have to pass on church today. i dont want to but we really need to come to some understanding. its getting pretty old really fast.

we wrote down a list of things we didnt like about the other. it is a good exercise. you can see in writing what upsets your mate and you can work on fixing it. one of the things that i had to laugh at was that she said i needed to stop checking the text and the phone bill and just trust her. she must appearently think that trust is a light switch. i refuse to be caught out there over the same thing. when i see she is for real i will stop but she has to prove to me that i should trust her. 

im trying to understand where she is coming from and not hurt her feelings but it feels like shes not doing the same. she says she is trying but i dont see it yet.

our anniversary is in 5 days. i havent gotten her anything. i want to but it just feels like my heart isnt fully committed to putting out all that work for nothing. i take anniversarys seriously. for instance i even celebrate when we became b/f and g/f. corny but its important to me. its kinda like u dont know where your going until you know where you've been. im a bit of a hopeless romantic. i love doing small things just to show my love. you know what i made up my mind. if i want this to work i gotta put my all into it. that means the best gift i could give. not something expensive but something that means special.
will keep you guys updated as to how the talk goes and what i decide to give to her


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## carmaenforcer (Mar 7, 2008)

I was cheated on and agree with *draconis* on the open book thing. Like your Wife, mine does not like to live under the microscope. Who does, right... But I need her to prove to me she can be trusted and that she has absolutely nothing to hide.
She tries but is not consistent, so I have yet to reach that place where I can honestly say I trust her. 

It is, going to be a long road, but stay strong.


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## sharon w (Jul 15, 2008)

iheartmywife said:


> Me and the misses have decided to fight to very good fight and stay together. we had a counseling with my pastor which was great. it really opened her eyes as to what a marraige was.
> Very long story short. she cheated and i found out. now comes the healing process.
> 
> how to you get back to trusting someone who has done the worst to you. (well in sure her having dudes kid would be worst case cinario but this is runner up). i know it takes a while to gain back that trust but i dont know how to just believe her anymore. i have forgiven her for what she did but im finding it hard to put my heart back out there like that.
> ...


 i learned frm lifes lesson that u really dont get past it the trust is gone first u start out being hurt u then u will never really trust her even to go to the store then she will get upset at u try to place the blame on u and know this no one can make a person cheat they cheat because thats what they want to do


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