# Wife cheated while deployed and got pregnant.. Is there still hope?



## Brexin

Hello everyone. So I'm new here and just trying to get some honest opinions on what i should do with my relationship. My wife and I have talking about divorce and legal separation, but I'm not sure that's really what I want. This is a long story, and i hope some of you will please endure it so i can get the best possible opinions. 

So the story begins back in january 2009. I met my (future at the time) wife. She already had 1 failed marriage and a son from that marriage. We both were in the military and shared a few common friends. We fell madly in Love, I could go on all day about how much we loved each other and couldn't be away from each other for a second. We got happily married 7 months later (july of 2009). My wife and I were still madly in Love and things couldn't have been better, We got pregnant and had a baby boy on the way . Around September of 09, i started to get very depressed. I had a very bad experience while deployed in 2007, when my truck hit and IED and killed 2 of my guys, including my best friend, and removing a leg from my squad leader. I have had many problems over the years dealing with these issues, but it didnt bother me until late 2009. I got out of the army December 2009 and have been the stay at home dad of our kids.

Lets just say, things started going very bad in my marriage. My wife did everything she could to keep me happy, and nothing worked. I lost my sex drive and blamed her gaining baby weight as the problem for that ... My wife, despite all of this stuck it out with me and continued to try and make me happy. 2010 was the worst year... I had giving up in my marriage and stopped trying, i quit giving her much attention and spent most of my time on the computer... Plain put, I was the worst husband ever. Our first only son together was born May 16, 2010, and things were good for about 6 weeks after that, but then went back to the old ways. Things started to get better in 2011, but we still had issues because of the year before. We talked divorce once during that time and I almost had to buy a plane ticket back to my home state... We worked things out, though I still wasn't much better then before, I was still depressed and not really trying working things out.

This is where the story gets bad... My wife deployed to Afghanistan on June 20th, 2011. The first 2 weeks she was gone, she was skype calling me everyday all day long. At the time i had just my son with me, My oldest was with his biological dad's for the summertime. I told her that she was calling to much because i had a life here I needed to manage. This kind of ticked her off but i felt it was necessary. Things were really good once she only called a few hours every other day.. I was happy and so was she. At the end of the summer, I received our oldest son back from his dads house. After that, i was really highly stressed all the time. I found it difficult to raise 2 kids by myself (Oldest was 4 yrs, and the other at the time 16 months old). I got super annoyed when she would call because i was so stressed all the time and tired. I told her that she annoyed me everytime she called. We stopped talking almost all together for the rest of the deployment. We still talked, but it was just to say hi and for her to chat with the boys.

In September of that year, after i told her she annoyed me, She stopped wearing her wedding rings and changed all of her email and facebook passwords because she was angry at me. I didnt find out until January because she posted on Facebook that she lost her wedding ring, and hoped someone had found it.

On January 7th, 2012... She asked me over facebook if i wanted a divorce. I told her yes i did. I wasnt sure that I really did, but after being so far apart and not talking much i didnt feel loved myself, let alone how she felt. When she got home, The moment i seen her get off the plane. I knew i made the biggest mistake of my life! All those feelings of love came back, and she still had feelings for me aswell.. So whats the issue here you ask?

She was very suspicious when she came home. She was angry at me for wanting to work things out now that she was home, but i didnt support her when she needed it the most. She kept a lock on her phone and computer (which never happened pre-deployment). This bothered me and she told me that it was non of my business what she was texting other people. The first weekend after she came home, she was going to the Bar to get drunk with her unit. I was the babysitter for this night and wasnt allowed to go (suspicious eh?). I managed to catch her phone before it locked, and i installed a spyware called "spybubble" on her phone to see if she was cheating on me. That first night was the first rude awakening that she WAS indeed cheating on me. She was telling this guy how she wish she could disappear with him and how she would "do" him so hard and stuff like this. I was devastated... but being the honest man i was, i told her about it the next day. She told me that it was just dirty talk and there was nothing else to it... She also told me that she NEVER had sex with anyone while being home, or while deployed.

A few weeks later, she comes to me and tells me that she missed her period, which was to start just days after coming home. At this point, we had sex 3 times unprotected (this is my wife here  ), but i never had made a mistake like this before. i was 99% sure that the baby wasnt mine... but she swore that she never cheated on me. A week later, while at her moms house, we got into a little fight about something, and she admitted so having sex with some black guy right before coming home... I was FURIOUS, and called her a liar among a few other names and stormed out the house.

We talked about it a couple hours later and she told me she felt bad for lying, and that she said i deserved to know because we were going to work things out again. She went and seen a doctor (this is about 2 weeks ago), to see how old the baby was... Come to find out, she conceived around the first week a February ( 3 weeks before coming home ).

At this point, i decided to hack into her computer (which was mine anyways), and look at her facebook messages from deployment (she never logs out, because the PC has a password i dont know). To make a long story short, she had sex with 2 different guys, and lied about who the real father was. The real father (who was married as well), wants to be in the baby's life and for the baby to have his last name. He is a staff sergeant in the army so if i pushed the issue, i could get my wife and him kicked out of the army for adultery AND fraternization (sexual relations between a Non-commissioned officer (staff sergeant) and a junior enlisted member). Ive thought about doing that to get back at my wife,,, but at the same time she is my sons mother.

My wife is willing to work things out but im not sure i can live with 3 kids (2 of which are not mine), and having 2 other dads in our family. Plus im scared she might even do it again. So i guess the true question here is... Can a soul mate mess up like this and love be strong enough for us to make it past this? Also, whenever i ask her what she wants, she always says she doesnt know. She has told me she loves the other guy more then I (but not in the same exact way as me), but they are also both married... idk i guess she keeps me around because she cant have him?

I love my wife to death, and after some hard long thinking, ive come to relize that she was perfect for me... I really messed up by not trying in our marriage and will regret it for the rest of my life. She cheated on me because i really let her down these last few years and wasnt there for her... Im not saying she didnt wrong me, Trust me i think she made a bad mistake, but i can also see where she is coming from being a women... Her husband not there for her, especially during deployment. Do you guys think that there is still a chance for us? I really am willing to make her happy like i used to, I would do anything for her because I love her so much... Im just not sure i can live through this situation and the fact that she 9is having someone else's baby


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## tacoma

> if i pushed the issue, i could get my wife and him kicked out of the army for adultery AND fraternization (sexual relations between a Non-commissioned officer (staff sergeant) and a junior enlisted member).


Do this.

Your wife has no respect for you


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## reset button

I am not sure what to say, but I think the OM wife deserves to know about this, it is not fair to her either. How would you feel if you never knew the truth? 

I know you don't want her thrown out of the army, but I doubt your marriage will survive if she is deployed again, it sounds as though long distance will never work for you guys anyway.

Best Wishes


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## Brexin

tacoma said:


> Do this.
> 
> Your wife has no respect for you


Her fighting argument is... she waited till after i asked for the divorce before she had sex with this guy, so i dont know if its fair to ruin her career like that...



reset button said:


> I am not sure what to say, but I think the OM wife deserves to know about this, it is not fair to her either. How would you feel if you never knew the truth?
> 
> I know you don't want her thrown out of the army, but I doubt your marriage will survive if she is deployed again, it sounds as though long distance will never work for you guys anyway.
> 
> Best Wishes


His wife knew before i did actually... She wants to kill my wife... So they havent met yet because yea... she is mad


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## Shaggy

You most certainly need to expose the issue about the real father to both the military and HIS wife. 

Then consider your wife's history - despite everything else she now has 3 kids by 3 different men. She looked you in the eye saying it was going to be better, but was happily pursuing and cheating with other MEN behind your back. 

Do you really think she is long term wife material? Do you really think she could so easily cheat and NOT USE PROTECTION if she loved and respected you?

You're already baby sitting her first kid by another guy when she's gone out to drink and cheat on you. Think about that! Is that someone who is loving you and wants to work it out - or someone who is using you to pay for her kids, and babysit them while she has her boyfriends?

This one isn't a keeper in any way.


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## Shaggy

Brexin said:


> Her fighting argument is... she waited till after i asked for the divorce before she had sex with this guy, so i dont know if its fair to ruin her career like that...
> 
> 
> 
> His wife knew before i did actually... She wants to kill my wife... So they havent met yet because yea... she is mad


And what about after she came home and used you to babysit while she went out and had sex ?


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## Brexin

Shaggy said:


> You most certainly need to expose the issue about the real father to both the military and HIS wife.
> 
> Then consider your wife's history - despite everything else she now has 3 kids by 3 different men. She looked you in the eye saying it was going to be better, but was happily pursuing and cheating with other MEN behind your back.
> 
> Do you really think she is long term wife material? Do you really think she could so easily cheat and NOT USE PROTECTION if she loved and respected you?
> 
> You're already baby sitting her first kid by another guy when she's gone out to drink and cheat on you. Think about that! Is that someone who is loving you and wants to work it out - or someone who is using you to pay for her kids, and babysit them while she has her boyfriends?
> 
> This one isn't a keeper in any way.


Honestly, I dont know what to think of her 



Shaggy said:


> And what about after she came home and used you to babysit while she went out and had sex ?


She didn't have sex since being home... But she was texting this guy wishing she could disappear with him and how she wanted to have sex with him that night.


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## Shaggy

Brexin said:


> She didn't have sex since being home... But she was texting this guy wishing she could disappear with him and how she wanted to have sex with him that night.


How do you know she hasn't had sex with him or another guy? How do you really know? Because she told you? Seriously?


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## AngryandUsed

Before you agree to take a decision, you must clear your head.
First get yourself to individual theraphy. Ask your wife if she is really interested in working it out. Then, plan for MC.
Your non-availability does not give her licence to cheat. 
Now you are not in a right frame of mind to decide. So, run to a doctor.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Brexin

Shaggy said:


> How do you know she hasn't had sex with him or another guy? How do you really know? Because she told you? Seriously?


Lol, i see your point. I can only really go by her text messages and facebook messages, and they show no hint of it


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## keko

Expose her and the OM to their senior officer's like now. Unless you like being a cuckold and raising childs from different fathers.


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## Shaggy

Brexin said:


> Honestly, I dont know what to think of her
> 
> But she was texting this guy wishing she could disappear with him and how she wanted to have sex with him that night.


I think you do know what to think of her. You just weren't raised to think of your wife in those terms, but they are right in front of you.

Those texts are what she says when you aren't looking. Those texts are what she says when she's free so say what she wants to say. Was there any love or respect for you in them?

So why does she really want to be with you now? So you can raise the kid with her? I suspect she's more scared of being 2 time divorced woman with 3 kids and a job in the military that requires her to leave on deployments.

She needs you raising her kids so she has the freedom to continue living her life the way she does.

Seriously - how old is she, and she already has 3 kids by 3 guys???

She knew she could get pregnant, but didn't care. She knows how it works, yet she chose to have unprotected sex with these other guys.


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## Initfortheduration

She is a serial cheating skank. Exactly what more do you need to know? Three kids, 3 different guys. Dude she is a gestating machine. Deposit sperm and 9 months later out pops an 18 years financial responsibility. She is just setting herself up for after she gets out of the military. Just a couple more fathers and she'll be set.


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## Brexin

Shaggy said:


> I think you do know what to think of her. You just weren't raised to think of your wife in those terms, but they are right in front of you.
> 
> Those texts are what she says when you aren't looking. Those texts are what she says when she's free so say what she wants to say. Was there any love or respect for you in them?
> 
> So why does she really want to be with you now? So you can raise the kid with her? I suspect she's more scared of being 2 time divorced woman with 3 kids and a job in the military that requires her to leave on deployments.
> 
> She needs you raising her kids so she has the freedom to continue living her life the way she does.
> 
> Seriously - how old is she, and she already has 3 kids by 3 guys???
> 
> She knew she could get pregnant, but didn't care. She knows how it works, yet she chose to have unprotected sex with these other guys.


You know, you are most likely right  .. My wife and I are both 24 yrs old



Initfortheduration said:


> She is a serial cheating skank. Exactly what more do you need to know? Three kids, 3 different guys. Dude she is a gestating machine. Deposit sperm and 9 months later out pops an 18 years financial responsibility. She is just setting herself up for after she gets out of the military. Just a couple more fathers and she'll be set.


This made me lol, thanks man


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## keko

Also get tested for STD's.


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## AngryandUsed

how come you are put up with such blatant marital violations?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Brexin

AngryandUsed said:


> how come you are put up with such blatant marital violations?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


A couple of reasons... 

1) She was my first serious relationship, and the first girl i ever truly fell in love with. 
2) im scared to leave the only person who has made me truly happy. 
3) i dont want my son to grow up in a broken home


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## keko

Brexin said:


> A couple of reasons...
> 
> 1) She was my first serious relationship, and the first girl i ever truly fell in love with.
> 2) im scared to leave the only person who has made me truly happy.
> 3) i dont want my son to grow up in *a broken home *


That is exactly what you are in now, father is loyal but the mother screws around with other men.


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## morituri

First off STOP using the word 'mistake' to excuse bad behavior on BOTH your parts. You are both adults who should know the difference between right and wrong, not children unaware of the consequences of their actions.

I'm not going to mince words but the truth is that you are both better off divorced. You BOTH have unresolved issues, you possibly have PTSD as a result of your experiences while on the field of combat, and your wife has validation issues that cause her to seek the attention and affection from other men. NONE of you should be in a committed relationship until AFTER you address and resolve your individual issues.

Love is not enough to make a marriage viable. Trust and respect are equally important. It only takes one of them missing from the marriage to cause it to eventually die. I'm afraid that in your situation, the trust and respect have gone out the window.

It's your life, your call. I hope you choose wisely.


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## Brexin

morituri said:


> First off STOP using the word 'mistake' to excuse bad behavior on BOTH your parts. You are both adults who should know the difference between right and wrong, not children unaware of the consequences of their actions.
> 
> I'm not going to mince words but the truth is that you are both better off divorced. You BOTH have unresolved issues, you possibly have PTSD as a result of your experiences while on the field of combat, and your wife has validation issues that cause her to seek the attention and affection from other men. NONE of you should be in a committed relationship until AFTER you address and resolve your individual issues.
> 
> Love is not enough to make a marriage viable. Trust and respect are equally important. It only takes one of them missing from the marriage to cause it to eventually die. I'm afraid that in your situation, the trust and respect have gone out the window.
> 
> It's your life, your call. I hope you choose wisely.


I really respect and appreciate your answer, and your are right. We both probably shouldnt be in a relationship together 



Brexin said:


> In September of that year, after i told her she annoyed me, She stopped wearing her wedding rings and changed all of her email and facebook passwords because she was angry at me. I didnt find out until January because she posted on Facebook that she lost her wedding ring, and hoped someone had found it.


Updated the post, forgot to add this detail


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## tacoma

Brexin said:


> Her fighting argument is... she waited till after i asked for the divorce before she had sex with this guy, so i dont know if its fair to ruin her career like that...


But it`s perfectly fine to set you on the career track of nanny to her multiple kids with multiple fathers?

Expose, dump her, move on.


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## Shaggy

Brexin said:


> A couple of reasons...
> 
> 1) She was my first serious relationship, and the first girl i ever truly fell in love with.
> 2) im scared to leave the only person who has made me truly happy.
> 3) i dont want my son to grow up in a broken home


Dude, I gotta say if you think she has been making you happy - then you're bar is set very very low.

What you are going to find is that other women would never ever treat you like she has. Frankly, they'd be broken messes sobbing and unable to get out of bed if at 24 they had 3 kids by 3 guys and had been cheating on their husband. Seriously, that's so far from normal there isn't a word to describe it.

Move on (and I mean run) from this one, and you're going to find that unless you are 3 1/2 foot tall troll with 3 eyes, that you will be able to seriously upgrade to someone much better.


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## Shaggy

btw - bear in mine that this is a PRO marriage forum, and we are still telling you to run.


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## Brexin

Shaggy said:


> Dude, I gotta say if you think she has been making you happy - then you're bar is set very very low.
> 
> What you are going to find is that other women would never ever treat you like she has. Frankly, they'd be broken messes sobbing and unable to get out of bed if at 24 they had 3 kids by 3 guys and had been cheating on their husband. Seriously, that's so far from normal there isn't a word to describe it.
> 
> Move on (and I mean run) from this one, and you're going to find that unless you are 3 1/2 foot tall troll with 3 eyes, that you will be able to seriously upgrade to someone much better.





Shaggy said:


> btw - bear in mine that this is a PRO marriage forum, and we are still telling you to run.


Lol, i like your answers, made me laugh  ... I believe you guys are right, and i should run from this one :scratchhead:


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## Entropy3000

Move along. Move along. This is not the wife you are looking for.


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## warlock07

You give your wife too much credit. She was trying to cuckold you into bringing up another man's son. Don't believe her for one second. She is a train wreck. You guys should divorce. And expose her and her lover boy(Is he single by the way?).


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## Brexin

warlock07 said:


> You give your wife too much credit. She was trying to cuckold you into bringing up another man's son. Don't believe her for one second. She is a train wreck. You guys should divorce. And expose her and her lover boy(Is he single by the way?).


Is it really fair to trash her career though? It would ruin any kind of civil relationship we could ever have


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## warlock07

Yeah, maybe it is not a good idea if you have a kid together.You might want more opinions on this though. But if the staff sergeant is married, inform his SO(wife/gf) immediately


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## morituri

Going for the destruction of her career should only be made in the case where she was actively trying to destroy you. Is that the case? If not then don't. Divorce her and try to get counseling to resolve your personal issues to become a better man and a better father.


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## jnj express

When you have read all of these posts for the 100th time, and you have thot, and thot---know the following

If her lover wants to be in the kids life---he will be in YOUR life for the next 18 yrs---till you are 42, and maybe even longer

The 1st kid having a different father---that situation is absolutely nothing like the child she is carrying, am I right she hasn't delivered yet.

The 3rd kid is from cheating on YOU----she was pissed at you---that's fine---there are many ways to deal with that w/out going out and screwing multiple guys---If it was 2 guys as she admits---why not 5, why not 10----you weren't there, you don't know---but you do know this---she lies, and she covers up-----

You would have never known any of this BUT FOR ---the fact that she got pregnant, and knew she would have to "out" herself

You may love her---but she has already at age 24 been thru 2 failed mge., cuz yes no matter how you wanna label it---right now the 2 of you are in a failed mge----A good solid mge---DOES NOT have the wife sleeping with other men, and getting pregnant with other men------had she had some brains, and obviously she doesn't, she would have at least used protection, which brings another point you need to get you checked for STD

Good luck, whatever you decide---you got a long hard road ahead of you, specially, if that lover's child is in your life---Whatever---do not let your wife make any decisions, about what YOU want for the rest of YOUR life---and make her lover support his child---money is tuff enuff to come by these days---w/out you having to support another man's kid.


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## Thorburn

What are you doing for your PTSD? I do PTSD counseling for a living and have served in combat. Your story is very familiar to me. Get help in the VA to deal with your combat issues.

I will say this as an older Master Sergeant. Your choice to tell the command is your choice. They may or may not do anything. Her Army career may or may not be damaged. It can go any number of ways and it all depends. I will ask you one quesiton. Is it fair to trash her career after she trashed your life? I would think it is more then fair because in reality she was not fair to you.


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## Brexin

jnj express said:


> When you have read all of these posts for the 100th time, and you have thot, and thot---know the following
> 
> If her lover wants to be in the kids life---he will be in YOUR life for the next 18 yrs---till you are 42, and maybe even longer
> 
> The 1st kid having a different father---that situation is absolutely nothing like the child she is carrying, am I right she hasn't delivered yet.
> 
> The 3rd kid is from cheating on YOU----she was pissed at you---that's fine---there are many ways to deal with that w/out going out and screwing multiple guys---If it was 2 guys as she admits---why not 5, why not 10----you weren't there, you don't know---but you do know this---she lies, and she covers up-----
> 
> You would have never known any of this BUT FOR ---the fact that she got pregnant, and knew she would have to "out" herself
> 
> You may love her---but she has already at age 24 been thru 2 failed mge., cuz yes no matter how you wanna label it---right now the 2 of you are in a failed mge----A good solid mge---DOES NOT have the wife sleeping with other men, and getting pregnant with other men------had she had some brains, and obviously she doesn't, she would have at least used protection, which brings another point you need to get you checked for STD
> 
> Good luck, whatever you decide---you got a long hard road ahead of you, specially, if that lover's child is in your life---Whatever---do not let your wife make any decisions, about what YOU want for the rest of YOUR life---and make her lover support his child---money is tuff enuff to come by these days---w/out you having to support another man's kid.


She is currently 8 or 9 weeks pregnant, so nope, hasnt delivered. I definitely don't want this guy in my life... I would want to knock his lights out every waking second. The reason she didnt use a condom was (what she said) "We got caught up in the moment". She is going to get checked for STD's first, and if she has one, i will get checked.



Thorburn said:


> What are you doing for your PTSD? I do PTSD counseling for a living and have served in combat. Your story is very familiar to me. Get help in the VA to deal with your combat issues.
> 
> I will say this as an older Master Sergeant. Your choice to tell the command is your choice. They may or may not do anything. Her Army career may or may not be damaged. It can go any number of ways and it all depends. I will ask you one quesiton. Is it fair to trash her career after she trashed your life? I would think it is more then fair because in reality she was not fair to you.


Ive been seen here and there for the ptsd, but not enough most likely... I like to just try and deal with it myself. And i like your point about her trashing my life... It definatly will never be the same and i will probably have a hard time trusting in my future relationships


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## hookares

It's all up to you. If you stay with her, you won't likely have to deal with YOUR kid having to be with the OM. You will have to deal with being with his child, however. But since you were already raising her first's child, you should by now be used to it.
Now if you are asking if most of us think you can trust her after this? If you do think so, I think you are in a very exclusive focus group of people on these boards.


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## crossbar

You realize that if she would have slept with a white guy, she probably would have passed this baby off as yours...

Dude, run....just run. Oh, as a former service member and you as a solider it is your DUTY to report them.


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## Initfortheduration

It may be your duty to report her, but I wouldn't. I would want her deployed as much as possible, she has the dads around so she can continue to skrew other guys and pop out more babies. At least you won't have her around as much as you would if she were a civilian. How many more other guys babies does she have to have? Dump her.......yesterday.

What does she say in regards to her being a shiftless skank?


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## Brexin

Initfortheduration said:


> It may be your duty to report her, but I wouldn't. I would want her deployed as much as possible, she has the dads around so she can continue to skrew other guys and pop out more babies. At least you won't have her around as much as you would if she were a civilian. How many more other guys babies does she have to have? Dump her.......yesterday.


Lol, good point. The more she's deployed the better for me


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## bryanp

Even though she is married to you, she did not even bother to use a condom because she got caught up in the moment and became pregnant....What is wrong with this picture?

The answer is she knew she was going to have sex with this jerk but didn't care about you or your marriage to even have a condom with her. She clearly has no respect for you whatsoever. If you do not respect yourself then who will? How could you possibly feel special or have any pride that this woman is your wife?


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## ShootMePlz!

Why is your wife not terminating the pregnancy or giving the baby up for adoption? 

What does the wife of the Other Man say about reporting them to thier Command?


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## Brexin

bryanp said:


> Even though she is married to you, she did not even bother to use a condom because she got caught up in the moment and became pregnant....What is wrong with this picture?
> 
> The answer is she knew she was going to have sex with this jerk but didn't care about you or your marriage to even have a condom with her. She clearly has no respect for you whatsoever. If you do not respect yourself then who will? How could you possibly feel special or have any pride that this woman is your wife?


I never thought about it like that... i never will be special 



ShootMePlz! said:


> Why is your wife not terminating the pregnancy or giving the baby up for adoption?
> 
> What does the wife of the Other Man say about reporting them to thier Command?


My wife doesnt believe in abortion, and she told me "how would the baby feel if it found out one day that we had kids before, and after him/her, but we didnt keep it"... Plus i know that real dad would be super pissed.

My wife swears up and down that she didnt tell me the truth because i threatened to go to her chain of command... She is scared, and all i know is he is worried i might.


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## sinnister

I'm not going to read all of the responses...and I'm sure I will be in the vast majority here, but you really did wrong by this woman.

You served your country honorably and bare some pretty horrific memories as a result, and for that you should be commended. But the way you treated after only being married 3 years??? Yeesh. It's hard to blame her here. I mean...you flat out told her you were done with the marriage and that her calling you while deployed in a hostile environment was "annoying" to you.

I dont know. I hope it works out for you but her mind is clearly detatched from the marriage.


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## Brexin

sinnister said:


> I'm not going to read all of the responses...and I'm sure I will be in the vast majority here, but you really did wrong by this woman.
> 
> You served your country honorably and bare some pretty horrific memories as a result, and for that you should be commended. But the way you treated after only being married 3 years??? Yeesh. It's hard to blame her here. I mean...you flat out told her you were done with the marriage and that her calling you while deployed in a hostile environment was "annoying" to you.
> 
> I dont know. I hope it works out for you but her mind is clearly detatched from the marriage.


Yes, see this is why i havent left her yet... :smthumbup:
because i did wrong her as well... Im just trying to see if there is too much damage done in this relationship


----------



## jnj express

She is still married to you---and she is not having an abortion---cuz the other guy would be pissed----what is wrong with that statemen----who gives a fat fiddly f*ck about anything that the other guy thinks

To your wife ---IF YOU WERE TO R---he should be a non-entity, non-existent---what he thinks doesn't matter whatsoever---in any way shape or form

What's he gonna do---he better do absolutely nothing

Whether you really want to abort the child or not---just to really find out where you stand with your wife---PUSH THE ABORTION ISSUE, AND PUSH IT HARD---lets see if she has any respect for you at all


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## Brexin

jnj express said:


> She is still married to you---and she is not having an abortion---cuz the other guy would be pissed----what is wrong with that statemen----who gives a fat fiddly f*ck about anything that the other guy thinks
> 
> To your wife ---IF YOU WERE TO R---he should be a non-entity, non-existent---what he thinks doesn't matter whatsoever---in any way shape or form
> 
> What's he gonna do---he better do absolutely nothing
> 
> Whether you really want to abort the child or not---just to really find out where you stand with your wife---PUSH THE ABORTION ISSUE, AND PUSH IT HARD---lets see if she has any respect for you at all


I knew before we got pregnant the first time together that abortion was not an option... she has always been against it, and i think she would rather i leave her then that :scratchhead:

As for the dude, i agree... But she concerned he will fight us if we try to leave him out of the baby's life. This guy is obsessed and really wants kids (his wife hates kids)


----------



## turnera

Devil's Advocate here.

You were a horrible husband. And you're still behaving in a selfish manner. I don't think you've learned much of anything from this because you're still talking in terms of what makes YOU happy. 

Is she the same way? I don't know. But I do know that if *I* deployed and left my husband and children behind (can't even imagine ever doing that, but I understand it's military - and thank you both for serving, by the way), and if I had dealt with a husband who was as big an ass as you were before I deployed, who refused to get therapy and/or anti-depressants, and if I got stressed out about being alone oversees and kept trying to get in touch with you for reassurance, only to be told that you 'had a life' and you wanted me to go away...well, you can damn well bet I wouldn't want to be married to you any more either. 

Is what she did smart or moral? No. But it's understandable. 

So, MY take on this is that there are now 3 kids who have selfish, irresponsible parents who are going to go through hell in life, because not one of the parents is stepping up and doing the right things. And all 3 of them will probably grow up to be just like all of you guys. Well, maybe the first one's dad is ok, I don't know.

Once you have kids, you don't get to be selfish any more. What YOU want doesn't matter to me nearly as much as what those kids NEED.


----------



## Brexin

turnera said:


> Devil's Advocate here.
> 
> You were a horrible husband. And you're still behaving in a selfish manner. I don't think you've learned much of anything from this because you're still talking in terms of what makes YOU happy.
> 
> Is she the same way? I don't know. But I do know that if *I* deployed and left my husband and children behind (can't even imagine ever doing that, but I understand it's military - and thank you both for serving, by the way), and if I had dealt with a husband who was as big an ass as you were before I deployed, who refused to get therapy and/or anti-depressants, and if I got stressed out about being alone oversees and kept trying to get in touch with you for reassurance, only to be told that you 'had a life' and you wanted me to go away...well, you can damn well bet I wouldn't want to be married to you any more either.
> 
> Is what she did smart or moral? No. But it's understandable.
> 
> So, MY take on this is that there are now 3 kids who have selfish, irresponsible parents who are going to go through hell in life, because not one of the parents is stepping up and doing the right things. And all 3 of them will probably grow up to be just like all of you guys. Well, maybe the first one's dad is ok, I don't know.
> 
> Once you have kids, you don't get to be selfish any more. What YOU want doesn't matter to me nearly as much as what those kids NEED.


Ive been told these last few days to do what makes me happy... :scratchhead: .. Is that whats making me selfish?


----------



## turnera

What do you think?


----------



## Brexin

turnera said:


> What do you think?


No, i dont think it does. Everyone deserves to be happy, even if that means selfish every once and awhile. I understand i was selfish these last few years, but i wasnt always like that in our marriage, just while i was depressed and she was deployed


----------



## Kasus

Just because she had an affair shouldn't always mean she do 100% of the legwork. If you decide to reconcile, I would think your best chances are to view your pre-affair marriage and affair as two different sides of your marriage. Where she works 100% on the affair side, to help you heal, and you both work 50/50 on the marriage side.


----------



## square1

Brexin said:


> I never thought about it like that... i never will be special
> 
> 
> 
> My wife doesnt believe in abortion, and she told me "how would the baby feel if it found out one day that *we* had kids before, and after him/her, but *we* didnt keep it"... Plus i know that real dad would be super pissed.


Um what's up with the we talk? We had kids before? You have one with her and she has a total of 3 with different dads. Why can't the real father take full parental responsibility and take the baby in to his home? Will he want shared custody or just looking to give her a monthly check? Does the real dad want prenatal updates, sono pics? Are you prepared to look at her growing belly for the next 9 months and everyday knowing that's not your kid? I'm not saying she should have an abortion but I do think you need to run in the opposite direction while you only have one kid you KNOW is yours.

What happens if shes deployed again and gets pregnant for a fourth fifth sixth time etc? What if she has twins? How many other dudes are you willing to have in your life for each child she produces? Or what if she tries to pass future children off as yours? You going to get a DNA test on each one?


----------



## turnera

Brexin said:


> No, i dont think it does. Everyone deserves to be happy, even if that means selfish every once and awhile. I understand i was selfish these last few years, but i wasnt always like that in our marriage, just while i was depressed and she was deployed


Dude, you only met 3 years ago. The 'early' years of your marriage? You got married in July 2009 and you got depressed in September 2009. So...she got about 2 months of a 'good' you before you went downhill.

Here's my advice. Hold back on relationship issues for now, get to a good psychologist and start going to weekly therapy. Figure out who you are, what you believe, what you need, and what your responsibilities are. THEN reassess your situation. You can always divorce her later; but do see a lawyer and do what it takes to protect your family legally.

Everyone deserves to be happy? Selfish every once in a while? You're talking about the formative years of THREE children here, and while you're out making sure YOU are happy, they're growing up dysfunctional.

I'm not trying to dis you - I'm trying to get you to see that, while she cheated on you and made a baby, she didn't have much to look forward to at home.


----------



## Brexin

square1 said:


> Um what's up with the we talk? We had kids before? You have one with her and she has a total of 3 with different dads. Why can't the real father take full parental responsibility and take the baby in to his home? Will he want shared custody or just looking to give her a monthly check? Does the real dad want prenatal updates, sono pics? Are you prepared to look at her growing belly for the next 9 months and everyday knowing that's not your kid? I'm not saying she should have an abortion but I do think you need to run in the opposite direction while you only have one kid you KNOW is yours.
> 
> What happens if shes deployed again and gets pregnant for a fourth fifth sixth time etc? What if she has twins? How many other dudes are you willing to have in your life for each child she produces? Or what if she tries to pass future children off as yours? You going to get a DNA test on each one?


I can promise you... i would leave her without a second thought if she cheated on me again, baby or no baby



turnera said:


> You got married in July 2009 and you got depressed in September 2009. So...she got about 2 months of a 'good' you before you went downhill.
> 
> Here's my advice. Hold back on relationship issues for now, get to a good psychologist and start going to weekly therapy. Figure out who you are, what you believe, what you need, and what your responsibilities are. THEN reassess your situation. You can always divorce her later; but do see a lawyer and do what it takes to protect your family legally.
> 
> Everyone deserves to be happy? Selfish every once in a while? You're talking about the formation years of THREE children here, and while you're out making sure YOU are happy, they're growing up dysfunctional.


Thats good advice  ... and your right, i need to work on myself before this relationship


----------



## warlock07

Oh, God, don't say you want to get back with her? You both made mistakes but that does not mean you should get back together. Your wife has 3 kids by 3 different men by the age of 24. If that does not say crazy, I don't know what will. 

And your wife has some crazy views on pregnancy(Like the most of pro-life supporters I guess). The fertilized egg does not take life until the 4 -5 month of the pregnancy. Until then it is similar to any sperm cell or egg that isn't fertilized. .

Reminds me of this scene
Idiocracy - YouTube


----------



## Brexin

warlock07 said:


> Oh, God, don't say you want to get back with her? You both made mistakes but that does not mean you should get back together. Your wife has 3 kids by 3 different men by the age of 24. If that does not say crazy, I don't know what will.
> 
> And your wife has some crazy views on pregnancy(Like the most of pro-life supporters I guess). The fertilized egg does not take life until the 4 -5 month of the pregnancy. Until then it is similar to any sperm cell or egg that isn't fertilized. .
> 
> Reminds me of this scene
> Idiocracy - YouTube


I dont know what im doing yet, but im really leaning towards legal seperation (cant divorce in kentucky while the spouse is pregnant). And she does have different views then most people about marriage, cheating, and baby's as well


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## warlock07

Even if she pregnant with other guy's baby? Adultry usually ensures a divorce.


----------



## square1

Brexin said:


> I dont know what im doing yet, but im really leaning towards legal seperation (cant divorce in kentucky while the spouse is pregnant). And she does have different views then most people about marriage, cheating, and baby's as well


She admits to the affair and that the baby isn't yours and the wonderful state of KY says tough luck stick it out till the baby is born?


----------



## Brexin

square1 said:


> She admits to the affair and that the baby isn't yours and the wonderful state of KY says tough luck stick it out till the baby is born?


Pretty much... The lawyer said we would have to go to court just to get that wavered lol, and that really isnt worth it when a legal separation is pretty much the same thing


----------



## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

You have no respect for your wife.

I call my husband several times a day, not once does it annoy him.

He calls me too, if I've been busy and he gets worried and calls me.

I can't imagine the love of my life telling me he annoys me.


----------



## crossbar

Brexin said:


> My wife swears up and down that she didnt tell me the truth because i threatened to go to her chain of command... She is scared, and all i know is he is worried i might.


As well they BOTH should! Christ on a bike, DUDE!! He is a SNCO having sex with junior enlisted personal. HE KNOWS BETTER!!!! And you said he would be pissed if she did anything like abortion or adoption? How is that any of HIS frickin choice? He's gonna get pissed because he wanted kids and his wife doesn't? HOW ABOUT YOU GETTING PISSED!!!!!

Or what, you don't want to piss him off any further and help him see his kid at your home and if he feels like having another, just have your wife bring him up to the bedroom and after he's done screwing your wife, you can bring him a cold beer and give him a high five? Because that's PRETTY MUCH WHAT YOU ARE DOING RIGHT NOW!

And what about the future when she has this kid. What are your folks gonna say? Do you honestly think they're going to accept that kid as their grandchild on the way that kid came into the family? I have no doubt that the folks would be respectful, it isn't the kid's fault, but they might not bond with the kid as grandparents should. And what about when you're at the exchange on post? People knowing that your wife JUST came back from her deployment and she's carrying around a half black baby? Hmmm...oh, there's the Corporal and her cuckold!

Dude, there are reasons that adultry is in the UCMJ. And you're gonna let them get away with it, because why? I really don't know. I would really love to understand!

There might be guilt on your part for being a crappy husband. Okay I get it and you recongize it was a big problem. So, you can own up to 50% of the problems in the marriage and she can own the other 50%, but her affair was 100% on her. Peroid. And I don't care how crappy of a husband you were NO ONE deserves to be cheated on and have his wife become pregnant by OM.

Find your spine Dude!!!!


----------



## Kasus

It's your choice if you want to reconcile, but know there is no chance of any good coming out of this if you don't man up right now this instant. 

Also before you make any choice, be sure to look at the bigger picture here also. Look at what life you are setting up for yourself in 10+ years time. For example these children will grow and then will come the questions. How will you answer those? Can you honestly say you can live through that and not go back to the old self, plus all the resentment? You'd have to be a very strong man to be able to go through that ordeal.


----------



## Brexin

crossbar said:


> As well they BOTH should! Christ on a bike, DUDE!! He is a SNCO having sex with junior enlisted personal. HE KNOWS BETTER!!!! And you said he would be pissed if she did anything like abortion or adoption? How is that any of HIS frickin choice? He's gonna get pissed because he wanted kids and his wife doesn't? HOW ABOUT YOU GETTING PISSED!!!!!
> 
> Or what, you don't want to piss him off any further and help him see his kid at your home and if he feels like having another, just have your wife bring him up to the bedroom and after he's done screwing your wife, you can bring him a cold beer and give him a high five? Because that's PRETTY MUCH WHAT YOU ARE DOING RIGHT NOW!
> 
> And what about the future when she has this kid. What are your folks gonna say? Do you honestly think they're going to accept that kid as their grandchild on the way that kid came into the family? I have no doubt that the folks would be respectful, it isn't the kid's fault, but they might not bond with the kid as grandparents should. And what about when you're at the exchange on post? People knowing that your wife JUST came back from her deployment and she's carrying around a half black baby? Hmmm...oh, there's the Corporal and her cuckold!
> 
> Dude, there are reasons that adultry is in the UCMJ. And you're gonna let them get away with it, because why? I really don't know. I would really love to understand!
> 
> There might be guilt on your part for being a crappy husband. Okay I get it and you recongize it was a big problem. So, you can own up to 50% of the problems in the marriage and she can own the other 50%, but her affair was 100% on her. Peroid. And I don't care how crappy of a husband you were NO ONE deserves to be cheated on and have his wife become pregnant by OM.
> 
> Find your spine Dude!!!!


Thanks man  ... You are right about alot of that stuff... im not just gonna sit here and let that A**hole walk all over me


----------



## turnera

I just feel sorry for the kids, who had nothing to do with all this but are now stuck with the worst part of it.


----------



## turnera

As far as what to do, I usually find that doing the prescribed, legal thing - whatever it is in your case - is the best way to ensure that everything turns out ok. If you're supposed to report their cheating, then do it. Any consequences are their problem.


----------



## river rat

Brexin, first of all, thank you for your service. I'm sorry you're going thru this mess. That said, I think your marriage was on the ropes before her deployment. She saw the writing on the wall, and sought whatever comfort was available. In other words, it (your marriage) was already over. Doesn't exuse what she did, but there it is. I do not believe in revenge, which is what exposing to her CO would amount to. It will not help you to heal. The OMW already knows, so you don't need to go there. If you try to reconcile, and she has the OM's baby, that child will always be a trigger to you; unless you are superman or a saint, you will not be able to be a good father to her/him. I think the best thing to do is to let go. Work on yourself. What she has done will continue to harm her from now on. You do not have to choose to be a part of that drama. It's time to get out, man.


----------



## Brexin

river rat said:


> Brexin, first of all, thank you for your service. I'm sorry you're going thru this mess. That said, I think your marriage was on the ropes before her deployment. She saw the writing on the wall, and sought whatever comfort was available. In other words, it (your marriage) was already over. Doesn't exuse what she did, but there it is. I do not believe in revenge, which is what exposing to her CO would amount to. It will not help you to heal. The OMW already knows, so you don't need to go there. If you try to reconcile, and she has the OM's baby, that child will always be a trigger to you; unless you are superman or a saint, you will not be able to be a good father to her/him. I think the best thing to do is to let go. Work on yourself. What she has done will continue to harm her from now on. You do not have to choose to be a part of that drama. It's time to get out, man.


I believe this is the best answer ive received today... Honest and from the heart. Thank you very much


----------



## crossbar

Brexin said:


> Thanks man  ... You are right about alot of that stuff... im not just gonna sit here and let that A**hole walk all over me


and what about the other A**hole your living with....

Here's the hard truth about affairs that end with a pregnancy. I have a friend that's a marriage counselor and he told me that he has had only ONE couple making it. The rest divorced. The odds aren't good for you. You will always have resentment to some level. and the kid would be a constant reminder of the pain that this woman has caused you. 

My advice to you. Report them, don't let them get away with it, you're setting a bad example and letting people think that it's okay to allow this type of thing to happen. You are a soldier and you fall under all of the articles of the UCMJ. If you don't report this, then you are in violation of article 78, then you are no better than they are. Then...go to a divorce lawyer and find out what your options are, and I WOULD DEFINATELY NOT SIGN THE BIRTH CERTIFICATE AT ALL!!! You had nothing to do with that.

This girl is toxic and it seems that she's never been held accountable for anything or to anyone. Three kids with three different fathers should tell you something. I think it's about time you let go. Heal from this and move on. Find a good wholesome girl that holds to her morals.


----------



## TDSC60

river rat said:


> Brexin, first of all, thank you for your service. I'm sorry you're going thru this mess. That said, I think your marriage was on the ropes before her deployment. She saw the writing on the wall, and sought whatever comfort was available. In other words, it (your marriage) was already over. Doesn't exuse what she did, but there it is. I do not believe in revenge, which is what exposing to her CO would amount to. It will not help you to heal. The OMW already knows, so you don't need to go there. If you try to reconcile, and she has the OM's baby, that child will always be a trigger to you; unless you are superman or a saint, you will not be able to be a good father to her/him. I think the best thing to do is to let go. Work on yourself. What she has done will continue to harm her from now on. You do not have to choose to be a part of that drama. It's time to get out, man.


I agree with the "get out now" part.

But exposing his wife and the POSOM to her CO is not revenge. He actually has a duty to do so. That duty is to the spouses of all the military husband and wife who are deployed. It sends a great message to the husbands at home that corporal wifey can screw around and come home pregnant by a superior and the military doesn't care (they may not care - it's been a long time since I was in - Viet Nam). Talk to a lawyer about options here.

Expose. Call CNN. Do something. Not for revenge - for the truth.


----------



## TDSC60

*My advice to you. Report them, don't let them get away with it, you're setting a bad example and letting people think that it's okay to allow this type of thing happen. Then...go to a divorce lawyer and find out what your options are, and I WOULD DEFINATELY NOT SIGN THE BIRTH CERTIFICATE AT ALL!!! You had nothing to do with that.*
Excellent advice. Plus if you have to remain married until after the child is born tell them to list the OM as "Father" on the birth certificate.


----------



## tacoma

There really is no question here and it boggles my mind there`s even a debate.

You will not accept this child, your family will not accept this child, you`ll always have the man who cuckolded you in your life continuing to cuckold you to some degree, the child will feel this insanity around him as he grows and know he`s the cause, your cheating wife is in a job that requires her to travel for long distances for large periods of time in the company of sexually frustrated alpha males.
If this child has the physiological racial traits he may very well have every person who sees you with him will know you`ve been cuckolded.

WTF is the question even?

Hire a lawyer.
Expose to her CO and divorce her as soon as you can.
Get a DNA paternity test.
Remove any legal responsibility you have for this other mans child.

What kind of man would even deal with this ****?

The reason your wife has no respect for you is because you have none for yourself.
Respect yourself, do it now.

Dump her.


----------



## Beowulf

Brexin said:


> Pretty much... The lawyer said we would have to go to court just to get that wavered lol, and that really isnt worth it when a legal separation is pretty much the same thing


If you are still married to her when she has the baby does that make you legally and financially responsible regardless of who fathered it? That is something you need to know NOW!


----------



## Beowulf

turnera said:


> As far as what to do, I usually find that doing the prescribed, legal thing - whatever it is in your case - is the best way to ensure that everything turns out ok. If you're supposed to report their cheating, then do it. Any consequences are their problem.


This! Their behavior has to be reported regardless.


----------



## crossbar

river rat said:


> Brexin, first of all, thank you for your service. I'm sorry you're going thru this mess. That said, I think your marriage was on the ropes before her deployment. She saw the writing on the wall, and sought whatever comfort was available. In other words, it (your marriage) was already over. Doesn't exuse what she did, but there it is. I do not believe in revenge, which is what exposing to her CO would amount to. It will not help you to heal. The OMW already knows, so you don't need to go there. If you try to reconcile, and she has the OM's baby, that child will always be a trigger to you; unless you are superman or a saint, you will not be able to be a good father to her/him. I think the best thing to do is to let go. Work on yourself. What she has done will continue to harm her from now on. You do not have to choose to be a part of that drama. It's time to get out, man.


Yeah, sorry. I have to agree with what TDSC60 said. The OP isn't a civilian, he's a soldier and has to live by governing rules, which is the articles and Regulations that are set forth in something called the Uniform Code of Military Justice which is universal in all the branches of service...Navy, Marines...all of them. If he doesn't report it, then he's in violation for not reporting a crime and HE can get in trouble for NOT reporting it. Messed up, I know, but remember he's not a civilian. And he is obligated to report it. Not as a husband out for revenge, but as a soldier who witnessed a violation. Plus, if the SNCO is proven to be in violation, the military won't hold OP responsible for the kid. They will hold the Staff Sargent responsible (once it's proven to be his).


----------



## Brexin

crossbar said:


> Yeah, sorry. I have to agree with what TDSC60 said. The OP isn't a civilian, he's a soldier and has to live my governing rules, which is the articles and Regulations that are set forth in something called the Uniform Code of Military Justice which is universal in all the branches of service...Navy, Marines...all of them. If he doesn't report it, then he's in violation for not reporting a crime and HE can get in trouble for NOT reporting it. Messed up, I know, but remember he's not a civilian. And he is obligated to report it. Not as a husband out for revenge, but as a soldier who witnessed a violation.


Yes i am  ... I posted that I served on active duty until December 2009, and served in the Inactive ready reserve until December 2011, when i was officially discharged from service.


----------



## crossbar

Brexin said:


> Yes i am  ... I posted that I served on active duty until December 2009, and served in the Inactive ready reserve until December 2011, when i was officially discharged from service.


Okay, well...you still need to report them and put the SNCO on the hook for caring for this kid. Not your problem. How the hell did you get away with only two years inactive reserve?


----------



## Brexin

crossbar said:


> Are you doing reserve time or are you inactive reserve?


I was Inactive reserve until December 2011. I have been officially discharged


----------



## crossbar

Okay, well...you still need to report them and put the SNCO on the hook for caring for this kid. Not your problem. How the hell did you get away with only two years inactive reserve? 

And the only way you're going to get him on the hook is to report him. He would rather YOU pay for the kid and him come by every once in the while spending time with HIS kid and YOUR wife.


----------



## Brexin

crossbar said:


> How the hell did you get away with only two years inactive reserve? .


They had to discharge me early because i got approved for disability due to injuries i got in Iraq.


----------



## Kasus

As a human being I would want to know if a person in the military was in fact ruining the lives of the people s/he claims to serve as apposed to saving them.


----------



## turnera

Reporting him would preserve some OTHER poor bastard from having his wife be targeted while over there.


----------



## crossbar

Brexin said:


> They had to discharge me early because i got approved for disability due to injuries i got in Iraq.


Yeah, I was in Iraq too. I breached the line in 2003. So, I really hate seeing a guy I chewed the same ground with getting shafted by his wife and a person that is supposed to look out for his juniors. This SNCO shouldn't be in a position of leadership.


----------



## Beowulf

turnera said:


> Reporting him would preserve some OTHER poor bastard from having his wife be targeted while over there.


Yeah, this guy obviously doesn't mind using his position of authority to influence his subordinates. If he did it once he'll do it again.


----------



## hookares

This whole scenario sounds like something out of the TV show SHAMELESS.


----------



## calif_hope

Look I am not going to give you any advice on staying married to her (WW) or not.......I have my opnion but I am not going to offer it to you. 

My advice focuses on the unborn child.

No matter what you decide you NEED to realise that in all 50 states and US teritory and US armed forces abroad.......the husband is the PRESUMTIVE father or a child conceived during the marriage. 

This is a legal presumtion that YOU MUST go to court in order to break that presumtion. Legally, as her husband, you are the father until a court order says your not. 

You gotten the advice "don't let them put your name on the birth certificate" - Bu** Sh*t advice - all a birth certificate does is record a "live birth" it does not establish paternity. The mother can put anybodies name on the document. Simply preventing your name on the birth certificate and walking away will likely result in a child support court order that you will have little legal suport to overturn.

See an attorney to protect yourself, even if you decide to stay with her...........you stay married, don't protect your rights regarding this child, the marriage fails and you will find your self paying child support for an other man's child.

God, imangine if she goes back with the biological father after you attempt to reconcile goes to the pits......you could be sendining child support payments to the house of the biological father......(it happens).

See a lawyer now, start the legal process ASAP, this is time sensative.....all states after a passing of time (no more than 3 years but all states different) will "in the best interest of the child" close the window of opportunity to change the presumtion of fatherhood - miss this deadline and you will find yourself paying child support for over 18 years.

Know this.......if your wife was deployed for 12 months with no sex contact between you two during this time and she came back after those 12 months 2 months pregnant - the law in all 50 states will presume you are the father and you would have to go to court to free yourself from legal paternal responsibitliies - crazy but true.


----------



## Entropy3000

calif_hope said:


> Look I am not going to give you any advice on staying married to her (WW) or not.......I have my opnion but I am not going to offer it to you.
> 
> My advice focuses on the unborn child.
> 
> No matter what you decide you NEED to realise that in all 50 states and US teritory and US armed forces abroad.......the husband is the PRESUMTIVE father or a child conceived during the marriage.
> 
> This is a legal presumtion that YOU MUST go to court in order to break that presumtion. Legally, as her husband, you are the father until a court order says your not.
> 
> You gotten the advice "don't let them put your name on the birth certificate" - Bu** Sh*t advice - all a birth certificate does is record a "live birth" it does not establish paternity. The mother can put anybodies name on the document. Simply preventing your name on the birth certificate and walking away will likely result in a child support court order that you will have little legal suport to overturn.
> 
> See an attorney to protect yourself, even if you decide to stay with her...........you stay married, don't protect your rights regarding this child, the marriage fails and you will find your self paying child support for an other man's child.
> 
> God, imangine if she goes back with the biological father after you attempt to reconcile goes to the pits......you could be sendining child support payments to the house of the biological father......(it happens).
> 
> See a lawyer now, start the legal process ASAP, this is time sensative.....all states after a passing of time (no more than 3 years but all states different) will "in the best interest of the child" close the window of opportunity to change the presumtion of fatherhood - miss this deadline and you will find yourself paying child support for over 18 years.
> 
> Know this.......if your wife was deployed for 12 months with no sex contact between you two during this time and she came back after those 12 months 2 months pregnant - the law in all 50 states will presume you are the father and you would have to go to court to free yourself from legal paternal responsibitliies - crazy but true.


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


----------



## Brexin

calif_hope said:


> Look I am not going to give you any advice on staying married to her (WW) or not.......I have my opnion but I am not going to offer it to you.
> 
> My advice focuses on the unborn child.
> 
> No matter what you decide you NEED to realise that in all 50 states and US teritory and US armed forces abroad.......the husband is the PRESUMTIVE father or a child conceived during the marriage.
> 
> This is a legal presumtion that YOU MUST go to court in order to break that presumtion. Legally, as her husband, you are the father until a court order says your not.
> 
> You gotten the advice "don't let them put your name on the birth certificate" - Bu** Sh*t advice - all a birth certificate does is record a "live birth" it does not establish paternity. The mother can put anybodies name on the document. Simply preventing your name on the birth certificate and walking away will likely result in a child support court order that you will have little legal suport to overturn.
> 
> See an attorney to protect yourself, even if you decide to stay with her...........you stay married, don't protect your rights regarding this child, the marriage fails and you will find your self paying child support for an other man's child.
> 
> God, imangine if she goes back with the biological father after you attempt to reconcile goes to the pits......you could be sendining child support payments to the house of the biological father......(it happens).
> 
> See a lawyer now, start the legal process ASAP, this is time sensative.....all states after a passing of time (no more than 3 years but all states different) will "in the best interest of the child" close the window of opportunity to change the presumtion of fatherhood - miss this deadline and you will find yourself paying child support for over 18 years.
> 
> Know this.......if your wife was deployed for 12 months with no sex contact between you two during this time and she came back after those 12 months 2 months pregnant - the law in all 50 states will presume you are the father and you would have to go to court to free yourself from legal paternal responsibitliies - crazy but true.


Wow, i did not know any of this


----------



## square1

calif_hope said:


> You gotten the advice "don't let them put your name on the birth certificate" - Bu** Sh*t advice - all a birth certificate does is record a "live birth" it does not establish paternity. The mother can put anybodies name on the document. Simply preventing your name on the birth certificate and walking away will likely result in a child support court order that you will have little legal suport to overturn.
> 
> .


In nys a mother cannot just list anyone as the father. A good friend of mine had 2 kids with the same man but he denied the second was his the hospital would NOT list him as the father without his acknowledgement. I also had my daughter before me and my husband got married and before they would allow me to list him he either had to take a dna test or sign a waiver that he declined the test but accepts he is the father. He signed the waiver.

Since brexin is married and the hospital will naturally assume it's his kid he should voice his concern then and still not sign the birth certificate demanding a dna test be done. Even if the kid is half black how would the people at the hospital know she had an affair versus donor sperm cause maybe her husband was shooting blanks and they both wanted a kid?? 

See a lawyer now to get the ball rolling. Sign nothing for this kid.


----------



## crossbar

calif_hope said:


> You gotten the advice "don't let them put your name on the birth certificate" - Bu** Sh*t advice - all a birth certificate does is record a "live birth" it does not establish paternity. The mother can put anybodies name on the document. Simply preventing your name on the birth certificate and walking away will likely result in a child support court order that you will have little legal suport to overturn.


BS advice.....okay you tell me what other legal document establishes someone's parentage?


----------



## TDSC60

calif_hope said:


> Look I am not going to give you any advice on staying married to her (WW) or not.......I have my opnion but I am not going to offer it to you.
> 
> My advice focuses on the unborn child.
> 
> No matter what you decide you NEED to realise that in all 50 states and US teritory and US armed forces abroad.......the husband is the PRESUMTIVE father or a child conceived during the marriage.
> 
> This is a legal presumtion that YOU MUST go to court in order to break that presumtion. Legally, as her husband, you are the father until a court order says your not.
> 
> You gotten the advice "don't let them put your name on the birth certificate" - Bu** Sh*t advice - all a birth certificate does is record a "live birth" it does not establish paternity. The mother can put anybodies name on the document. Simply preventing your name on the birth certificate and walking away will likely result in a child support court order that you will have little legal suport to overturn.
> 
> See an attorney to protect yourself, even if you decide to stay with her...........you stay married, don't protect your rights regarding this child, the marriage fails and you will find your self paying child support for an other man's child.
> 
> God, imangine if she goes back with the biological father after you attempt to reconcile goes to the pits......you could be sendining child support payments to the house of the biological father......(it happens).
> 
> See a lawyer now, start the legal process ASAP, this is time sensative.....all states after a passing of time (no more than 3 years but all states different) will "in the best interest of the child" close the window of opportunity to change the presumtion of fatherhood - miss this deadline and you will find yourself paying child support for over 18 years.
> 
> Know this.......if your wife was deployed for 12 months with no sex contact between you two during this time and she came back after those 12 months 2 months pregnant - the law in all 50 states will presume you are the father and you would have to go to court to free yourself from legal paternal responsibitliies - crazy but true.


In my state - a birth certificate DOES have both the father's name and the mother's name on it along with the child's name. The parents are asked to provide this information. I have no idea what the legal ramifications are, but if I was sure I was not the father I would make sure my name did not get on the birth certificate as "Father". Lots of birth certificates list the father as "Unknown".


----------



## calif_hope

crossbar said:


> BS advice.....okay you tell me what other legal document establishes someone's parentage?


For unmarried parents: In some states its called a Declaration of Paternity, in others it called an Acknowledgment of Paternity. Simply its a document that the father signs upon the birth of the child.....some states require this acknowledgement to place that father on the birth certificate. 

If a birth mother is married, the husbands name is placed on the birth certificate in acknowledgement of the laws in place which presumes the husband is the father.

In a marriage, if a 3rd party male signs an acknowledgement of paternity - this issue is resolved in the courts were a Judgement of Parternity will be issued.

In a marriage, if the husband refuses their name to be placed on the birth certificate it wil not be placed (most states) however "he" the husband is still considered 'by law' to be the father and again a court order is required to releive him of the burden.

Now, if a husband, who knows that he did not father the child in the marriage and fails to resolve the issue in the courts - after a period of time (varies by state but no more than 3 years - will be considered the legal (finanical) father until that child reaches majority. 

See an attorney ASAP no matter if you are going to stay with your wife - you can choose later to adopt this child if you choose to - but your choice. 

Also, report her and the OM's crap to their chain of command.



Best!



) This documentation is also necessary in order to have the father's name placed on the child's birth certificate, if you choose to do so.


----------



## crossbar

So...in essence, a birth cerificate is a little more involved than just proof of live birth.

Well, regardless, I wouldn't want my name on it as a matter of principal.

And see a lawyer to see what you have to do to not carry this burden.


----------



## TeaLeaves4

Brexin said:


> I believe this is the best answer ive received today... Honest and from the heart. Thank you very much


Brexin... I agree with this too.

Exposing her to the military doesn't help you heal.

Like it or not, she's got a child on the way, and if both she and the baby's father are out of a decent job, what does that do for the innocent child?

Nothing. And you _did_ tell her you wanted a divorce. Not such a great excuse, but there it is.


----------



## crossbar

TeaLeaves4 said:


> Brexin... I agree with this too.
> 
> Exposing her to the military doesn't help you heal.
> 
> Like it or not, she's got a child on the way, and if both she and the baby's father are out of a decent job, what does that do for the innocent child?
> 
> Nothing. And you _did_ tell her you wanted a divorce. Not such a great excuse, but there it is.


No, it doesn't make you heal, but reporting it to the military is the RIGHT thing to do. I take it that you weren't in the military so you wouldn't understand how important it is that he does this. She's not going to lose her job over this. She may get reduction of rank and a suspended bust. But the SNCO will also probably reduction of rank forfeiture of pay (but not so much to leave his family in the dust) and possibly some time in the stockade or restriction to the base for 30 to 60 days. He'll get hit harder because he was the Senior and he knows better. We had fraternization training all through our military careers and HE BROKE THE REGULATION! 
But, what's REALLY important is the military will see about proving paternity. If it IS his child, the SNCO will have to have the kid registered in DEERS and Tricare (military health insurance) and the military will MAKE him pay child support and they'll automatically withdraw it from his paycheck! Military and state to two ENTIRELY different animals.


----------



## TeaLeaves4

crossbar said:


> No, it doesn't make you heal, but reporting it to the military is the RIGHT thing to do. I take it that you weren't in the military so you wouldn't understand how important it is that he does this. She's not going to lose her job over this. She may get reduction of rank and a suspended bust. But the SNCO will also probably reduction of rank forfeiture of pay (but not so much to leave his family in the dust) and possibly some time in the stockade or restriction to the base for 30 to 60 days. He'll get hit harder because he was the Senior and he knows better. We had fraternization training all through our military careers and HE BROKE THE REGULATION!
> But, what's REALLY important is the military will see about proving paternity. If it IS his child, the SNCO will have to have the kid registered in DEERS and Tricare (military health insurance) and the military will MAKE him pay child support and they'll automatically withdraw it from his paycheck! Military and state to two ENTIRELY different animals.


Ok, that's an entirely different. But not purely out of spite as some others have advocated.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## river rat

It's interesting how many active and former military are on this post. Says something about the sacrifices they make. Thanks for the perspective.


----------



## hookares

TeaLeaves4 said:


> Ok, that's an entirely different. But not purely out of spite as some others have advocated.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yeah, reacting out of spite is unkind to the cheater and the guy who's been cuckooing you. The VERY first priority the **** should have is seeing that those who have offended him would be able to live comfortably since they did what they did for HIS BENEFIT.
The stupid guy who didn't see what was going on will get his reward in some mythical "afterlife".
:scratchhead:


----------



## Humble Pie

Brexin said:


> Yes, see this is why i havent left her yet... :smthumbup:
> because i did wrong her as well... Im just trying to see if there is too much damage done in this relationship


you requesting her to give you space while she was gone and her sleeping with and becoming pregnant with another man's baby is totally not in the same league! 

Maybe is she had an emotional relationship, closer, but sex and becoming pregnant is by far not acceptable.


----------



## Brexin

Humble Pie said:


> you requesting her to give you space while she was gone and her sleeping with and becoming pregnant with another man's baby is totally not in the same league!
> 
> Maybe is she had an emotional relationship, closer, but sex and becoming pregnant is by far not acceptable.


She admitted to having an emotional affair with both guys as well. The first guy was a rebound. The second guy (the baby's daddy)... well she still loves him more then she loves me (she admits that). 

I had a chance to talk to her last night about the baby and its father last night... She said that he would rather get kicked out of the military then give the baby up... so i cant use fraternization as leverage to keep him away unfortunately. My wife says she's thought about giving the baby up to him, but she's not sure she can live with that decision. What do i do, and what should i be asking on this particular subject?


----------



## morituri

Brexin said:


> She admitted to having an emotional affair with both guys as well. The first guy was a rebound. The second guy (the baby's daddy)... well she still loves him more then she loves me (she admits that).
> 
> I had a chance to talk to her last night about the baby and its father last night... She said that he would rather get kicked out of the military then give the baby up... so i cant use fraternization as leverage to keep him away unfortunately. My wife says she's thought about giving the baby up to him, but she's not sure she can live with that decision. *What do i do, and what should i be asking on this particular subject?*



What should you do? *OPEN YOUR EYES AND ACCEPT THE TRUTH THAT YOUR MARRIAGE IS OVER AND GO FILE FOR DIVORCE*


----------



## Shaggy

Brexin said:


> She admitted to having an emotional affair with both guys as well. The first guy was a rebound. The second guy (the baby's daddy)... well she still loves him more then she loves me (she admits that).
> 
> I had a chance to talk to her last night about the baby and its father last night... She said that he would rather get kicked out of the military then give the baby up... so i cant use fraternization as leverage to keep him away unfortunately. My wife says she's thought about giving the baby up to him, but she's not sure she can live with that decision. What do i do, and what should i be asking on this particular subject?


Look she's now told you that you are her #2 choice. she would drop you in a minute if she could be with him. He on the other hand won't leave his wife.

Here's what is going to happen. If you a foolish enough to let her stay, she WILL continue to see him, and she WILL continue to CHEAT with him. Oh, it she will tell you that he and her are just visiting with the baby, but they will be also having sex. If you're lucky, they won't make any more babies for you to raise.

Seriously. You are her #2, she's having his kid, she won't dump him out of her life. it sounds like she told him about the kid before telling you. Don't you see how you are only useful to her a baby raiser. No love. No respect. Just useful. A useful cuckold idiot.

Do you have such little respect for yourself as a man that you would accept being treated this way?


----------



## Shaggy

Oh, and help him have his dream come true. Report him and help him get kicked out of the army.


----------



## Brexin

Shaggy said:


> Look she's now told you that you are her #2 choice. she would drop you in a minute if she could be with him. He on the other hand won't leave his wife.
> 
> Here's what is going to happen. If you a foolish enough to let her stay, she WILL continue to see him, and she WILL continue to CHEAT with him. Oh, it she will tell you that he and her are just visiting with the baby, but they will be also having sex. If you're lucky, they won't make any more babies for you to raise.
> 
> Seriously. You are her #2, she's having his kid, she won't dump him out of her life. it sounds like she told him about the kid before telling you. Don't you see how you are only useful to her a baby raiser. No love. No respect. Just useful. A useful cuckold idiot.
> 
> Do you have such little respect for yourself as a man that you would accept being treated this way?





Shaggy said:


> Oh, and help him have his dream come true. Report him and help him get kicked out of the army.


I suppose your right... Idk :scratchhead: ... And yes, she wasnt going to tell me who the REAL father was because he was a senior NOC and could get in a lot of trouble if i reported them... She had me believing it was guy #1's baby, not guy #2


----------



## Shaggy

Brexin said:


> I suppose your right... Idk :scratchhead: ... And yes, she wasnt going to tell me who the REAL father was because he was a senior NOC and could get in a lot of trouble if i reported them... She had me believing it was guy #1's baby, not guy #2


She told you - she loves him more. What other kind of information do you need in order to know?


----------



## Brexin

Shaggy said:


> She told you - she loves him more. What other kind of information do you need in order to know?


I dont need anymore. I just figured that since im getting over my depression and becoming the same man she fell in love with, she would love me as much as she did before :scratchhead:


----------



## Beowulf

Brexin said:


> I dont need anymore. I just figured that since im getting over my depression and becoming the same man she fell in love with, she would love me as much as she did before :scratchhead:


She never loved you like you think she did. If she had loved you she would have stuck by you through your depression instead of cheating on you twice. The fact that she is also in the military means she should have been even more empathetic than someone else. Instead she acted on her own selfish impulses and disrespected you. You aren't losing the love of your life you are losing a fantasy. Wake up.


----------



## Beowulf

Shaggy said:


> Look she's now told you that you are her #2 choice. she would drop you in a minute if she could be with him. He on the other hand won't leave his wife.
> 
> Here's what is going to happen. If you a foolish enough to let her stay, she WILL continue to see him, and she WILL continue to CHEAT with him. Oh, it she will tell you that he and her are just visiting with the baby, but they will be also having sex. If you're lucky, they won't make any more babies for you to raise.
> 
> Seriously. You are her #2, she's having his kid, she won't dump him out of her life. it sounds like she told him about the kid before telling you. Don't you see how you are only useful to her a baby raiser. No love. No respect. Just useful. A useful cuckold idiot.
> 
> Do you have such little respect for yourself as a man that you would accept being treated this way?


I will add that since the OM's wife is not willing to have any children the likelihood that she will not only continue to see him but produce more children for him is great. So what really will happen is that they will continue seeing each other in the guise of shared custody of their child. They will produce more children and you will have to watch her go through pregnancy after pregnancy knowing they aren't your children. Is that a marriage you really want?


----------



## Shaggy

Brexin said:


> I dont need anymore. I just figured that since im getting over my depression and becoming the same man she fell in love with, she would love me as much as she did before :scratchhead:


But she's not the same woman as before. She is now a woman who has a permanent bond with this other guy that she is repeatedly choosing to protect over you.

How do you know his wife actually knows BTW? Because your wife told you? Don't believe her,she is now caught in several lies already. Find the OM using a PI or someone, find his wife, and tell her about the kid.

Oh, and what does he think is going to happen - that you'll pay for this kid? That you'll loose the sleep everynight, do the home work, and babysit - AND he'll pop over for play dates with your wife and have it will all be roses.

Where is his offer to pay 100% for the kid? Where is his offer to babysit while you and your wife go out together???

Don't use your depression etc as an excuse to talk yourself into staying with a woman who doesn't respect you.

Don't use your fear of making her face consequences to talk you out of reporting this OM to his command.

BTW - her getting out of the army will be good since she'll be around to care for her 3 kids.


----------



## chaos

You do realize that staying married to her is sabotaging your recovery from depression, don't you?


----------



## Beowulf

Shaggy said:


> But she's not the same woman as before. She is now a woman who has a permanent bond with this other guy that she is repeatedly choosing to protect over you.
> 
> How do you know his wife actually knows BTW? Because your wife told you? Don't believe her,she is now caught in several lies already. Find the OM using a PI or someone, find his wife, and tell her about the kid.
> 
> Oh, and what does he think is going to happen - that you'll pay for this kid? That you'll loose the sleep everynight, do the home work, and babysit - AND he'll pop over for play dates with your wife and have it will all be roses.
> 
> Where is his offer to pay 100% for the kid? Where is his offer to babysit while you and your wife go out together???
> 
> Don't use your depression etc as an excuse to talk yourself into staying with a woman who doesn't respect you.
> 
> Don't use your fear of making her face consequences to talk you out of reporting this OM to his command.
> 
> BTW - her getting out of the army will be good since she'll be around to care for her 3 kids.


:iagree: Who is going to watch those children if she is deployed again. You'd be doing the children a favor if you report this transgression and if the OM is kicked out too you'll be saving other women from having to deal with his predatory nature.


----------



## Beowulf

chaos said:


> You do realize that staying married to her is sabotaging your recovery from depression, don't you?


I'm getting depressed just reading about the hell this guy is going through.


----------



## tacoma

Beowulf said:


> I'm getting depressed just reading about the hell this guy is going through.


At this point he`s doing it to himself.


----------



## chaos

Beowulf said:


> I'm getting depressed just reading about the hell this guy is going through.


A hell he's choosing to stay in. Most healthy men would have simply have dumped her sorry a** and moved on. Nobody is pointing a gun to his head to force him to stay married to her.


----------



## Beowulf

:iagree: True.


----------



## Brexin

Beowulf said:


> She never loved you like you think she did. If she had loved you she would have stuck by you through your depression instead of cheating on you twice. The fact that she is also in the military means she should have been even more empathetic than someone else. Instead she acted on her own selfish impulses and disrespected you. You aren't losing the love of your life you are losing a fantasy. Wake up.


You probably are right here about the whole fantasy thing... i just remember the way we used to look at each other and how close we were... insuperable 



Shaggy said:


> But she's not the same woman as before. She is now a woman who has a permanent bond with this other guy that she is repeatedly choosing to protect over you.
> 
> How do you know his wife actually knows BTW? Because your wife told you? Don't believe her,she is now caught in several lies already. Find the OM using a PI or someone, find his wife, and tell her about the kid.
> 
> Oh, and what does he think is going to happen - that you'll pay for this kid? That you'll loose the sleep everynight, do the home work, and babysit - AND he'll pop over for play dates with your wife and have it will all be roses.
> 
> Where is his offer to pay 100% for the kid? Where is his offer to babysit while you and your wife go out together???
> 
> Don't use your depression etc as an excuse to talk yourself into staying with a woman who doesn't respect you.
> 
> Don't use your fear of making her face consequences to talk you out of reporting this OM to his command.
> 
> BTW - her getting out of the army will be good since she'll be around to care for her 3 kids.


All good points  .. And yes, I know of his wife only what my wife tells me



chaos said:


> You do realize that staying married to her is sabotaging your recovery from depression, don't you?


Hmm, i dont know honestly... But i can see where that could very well be the case 



Beowulf said:


> :iagree: Who is going to watch those children if she is deployed again. You'd be doing the children a favor if you report this transgression and if the OM is kicked out too you'll be saving other women from having to deal with his predatory nature.


I already told her i wasnt watching the new baby next time she deploys.. It will be just My son and I


----------



## crossbar

Brexin said:


> She admitted to having an emotional affair with both guys as well. The first guy was a rebound. The second guy (the baby's daddy)... well she still loves him more then she loves me (she admits that).
> 
> I had a chance to talk to her last night about the baby and its father last night... She said that he would rather get kicked out of the military then give the baby up... so i cant use fraternization as leverage to keep him away unfortunately. My wife says she's thought about giving the baby up to him, but she's not sure she can live with that decision. What do i do, and what should i be asking on this particular subject?


 Okay, this tells me that she still talks to him on a regular basis. If he'd rather get kicked out then so be it! But, to be honest, that's just BS talk from him. If he's a SNCO then he's either at the halfway mark or over the hump and on the downward road to retirement. He wouldn't want to give that up. The ONLY way I see him getting kick out is if his reduction in rank. If his new rank puts him over higher tenure, then they can boot him out with a healthy check to get him started. That is the ONLY way I see it going down. I've sat through enough NJP's in my time to know that they usually don't boot someone out unless this guy is a complete idiot that gets in trouble all of the time and this would be the straw that broke the camels back. Then, they can boot him under less than honorable conditions.

But, here's what would probably go down. I don't know what they call it in the Army, but in the Navy it's called Captain's Mast and in the Marines it's called Office Hours. This is where they do Non-judical Punishment. The CO will award a punishment without a General Court Marshall to correct the problem. Now, the SNCO can request a Court Marshall and then the case is transfered to JAG, but he would be stupid to do this because if you plead your case and at the end if you are still found guilty, then punishment is usually more severe.

He will probably get reduction of rank, forfeiture of pay, 30-60 days in the Brig or 60-90 days reistriction to base and an immediate transfer to another unit.

Another point is that he's made it abundantly clear that he wants in this kids life; therefore, he's going to be in YOUR life forever! Your wife says that she loves him more than you. Do you really think that they'll just "co-parent" together? 

Time to cut ties and leave dude. Get out and go back home and start a new life. Don't worry, she'll be busy enough trying to keep track of all her babies Daddy's and visitation and collecting their CS payments to notice that you're gone. 

Sorry to be rude..But, in my opinion, she's shown you little to no remorse to what she's done to you.


----------



## Brexin

crossbar said:


> Okay, this tells me that she still talks to him on a regular basis.
> 
> Another point is that he's made it abundantly clear that he wants in this kids life; therefore, he's going to be in YOUR life forever! Your wife says that she loves him more than you. Do you really think that they'll just "co-parent" together?
> 
> Time to cut ties and leave dude. Get out and go back home and start a new life. Don't worry, she'll be busy enough trying to keep track of all her babies Daddy's and visitation and collecting their CS payments to notice that you're gone.
> 
> Sorry to be rude..But, in my opinion, she's shown you little to no remorse to what she's done to you.


You are absolutely right man. I also have a hard time believing they are going to just co-parent together. And yes, she talks to him almost everyday... and she deletes their conversations on facebook


----------



## crossbar

Beowulf said:


> :iagree: Who is going to watch those children if she is deployed again. You'd be doing the children a favor if you report this transgression and if the OM is kicked out too you'll be saving other women from having to deal with his predatory nature.


She will have to submit a Family Care Plan with Family Services. Once Family Services reviews the plan and determines if the plan is workable, viable and all bases are covered then it gets filed with her units administrative department. Once she gets her walking orders then her admin will pull the plan and get her to make the arrangements so she can deploy.


----------



## tacoma

Brexin said:


> You are absolutely right man. I also have a hard time believing they are going to just co-parent together. And yes, she talks to him almost everyday... and she deletes their conversations on facebook


So why exactly are you putting up with such blatant abusive disrespect?

Expose, divorce, paternity test.

She`s a fool who thinks you`re the fool.
You hold all the power over both of them yet they believe you`re too much of a cuckolded coward to wield it.

Expose them and watch the attitudes change.

Regain some respect.


----------



## turnera

Brexin said:


> She admitted to having an emotional affair with both guys as well. The first guy was a rebound. The second guy (the baby's daddy)... well she still loves him more then she loves me (she admits that).


All cheaters say that. That's how they justify, in the fog, the horrible thing they have done. It's how they live with themselves. "He's my soul mate...it had to be..." blech



> I had a chance to talk to her last night about the baby and its father last night... She said that he would rather get kicked out of the military then give the baby up... so i cant use fraternization as leverage to keep him away unfortunately. My wife says she's thought about giving the baby up to him, but she's not sure she can live with that decision. What do i do, and what should i be asking on this particular subject?


 You shouldn't be ASKING anything. You should be TELLING her what YOU are willing to live with; she can then decide if she's willing to do what it takes to keep you in her life. If she isn't, why would you want her around?

"Wife, I realize I've been a bad husband. But my eyes are open now and I see what a marriage should be. And no matter how badly I treated you, cheating is NEVER an option. I can't live with someone who will choose to take another man's body. So I am moving forward with divorce unless you can meet this stringent requirements, which I would need to be able to stay with you:
IMMEDIATE no contact with ANY OM, ever again; any communication will be handled through me or our lawyer.
You write OM (ALL of them) a No Contact letter telling them to never contact you again; I will review it and send it myself.
You hand over the passwords to your phone and computer for the immediate future, until I can verify you are truly giving up any OM. 
You hand over the phone and computer willingly, any time I feel like I need to soothe my fears and verify; this will not go on forever, but until we have created a NEW, better marriage in which we both feel safe.
You seek out and arrange for a good marriage counselor for us to go to, so we can navigate out of this in a healthy way and so we can create a new, better marriage.
You and I sit down and determine what will happen regarding children - together - and we do only what we can both agree on.

If you're not willing to do these things to put our marriage first, then I will assume you don't want to be married and I will move forward with the divorce. I won't stay married to someone who doesn't put me first."


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## turnera

Brexin said:


> You probably are right here about the whole fantasy thing... i just remember the way we used to look at each other and how close we were... insuperable


Until you trashed your relationship, told her she was 'bothering' you while she was deployed in enemy territory, and admittedly refused to get help for your depression and issues.


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## Brexin

turnera said:


> All cheaters say that. That's how they justify, in the fog, the horrible thing they have done. It's how they live with themselves. "He's my soul mate...it had to be..." blech
> 
> 
> You shouldn't be ASKING anything. You should be TELLING her what YOU are willing to live with; she can then decide if she's willing to do what it takes to keep you in her life. If she isn't, why would you want her around?
> 
> "Wife, I realize I've been a bad husband. But my eyes are open now and I see what a marriage should be. And no matter how badly I treated you, cheating is NEVER an option. I can't live with someone who will choose to take another man's body. So I am moving forward with divorce unless you can meet this stringent requirements, which I would need to be able to stay with you:
> IMMEDIATE no contact with ANY OM, ever again; any communication will be handled through me or our lawyer.
> You write OM (ALL of them) a No Contact letter telling them to never contact you again; I will review it and send it myself.
> You hand over the passwords to your phone and computer for the immediate future, until I can verify you are truly giving up any OM.
> You hand over the phone and computer willingly, any time I feel like I need to soothe my fears and verify; this will not go on forever, but until we have created a NEW, better marriage in which we both feel safe.
> You seek out and arrange for a good marriage counselor for us to go to, so we can navigate out of this in a healthy way and so we can create a new, better marriage.
> You and I sit down and determine what will happen regarding children - together - and we do only what we can both agree on.
> 
> If you're not willing to do these things to put our marriage first, then I will assume you don't want to be married and I will move forward with the divorce. I won't stay married to someone who doesn't put me first."


I already know the answer to this unfortunately... She wouldn't go for it. She has been telling me for weeks that she isnt going to put much effort into the marriage until she see's me putting effort into it. She justify's that by saying she had put effort in for years while i did nothing, and now its my turn to put the effort in first.


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## turnera

Brexin said:


> You are absolutely right man. I also have a hard time believing they are going to just co-parent together. And yes, she talks to him almost everyday... and she deletes their conversations on facebook


 Is she in your house? Immediately tell her she either stops contacting him in your house or she moves out - withOUT your son.


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## turnera

Brexin said:


> I already know the answer to this unfortunately... She wouldn't go for it. She has been telling me for weeks that she isnt going to put much effort into the marriage until she see's me putting effort into it. She justify's that by saying she had put effort in for years while i did nothing, and now its my turn to put the effort in first.


And she's right.

What have YOU done to make up for your past treatment of her? Are you in therapy now? Why not? Are you on ADs? Why not? Have you sat down and discussed a better marriage with her? Why not?


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## Brexin

turnera said:


> Is she in your house? Immediately tell her she either stops contacting him in your house or she moves out - withOUT your son.


We live on post, so technically its her house as she is the soldier


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## turnera

Brexin said:


> I dont need anymore. I just figured that since im getting over my depression and becoming the same man she fell in love with, she would love me as much as she did before


The ONLY way that can happen is if she cuts off ALL CONTACT with the OM. The fog has to clear before she can even SEE you, and that won't happen if she still contacts him. So now is the time to say - cut off all contact or move out.


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## turnera

Then tell her you're moving out with your son if she won't cut off all contact.

Is OM on the same base right now? Then you HAVE to report him.


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## Brexin

turnera said:


> Then tell her you're moving out with your son if she won't cut off all contact.
> 
> Is OM on the same base right now? Then you HAVE to report him.


He is in the same unit as my wife pretty much yes


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## calif_hope

Communicate with OM and WW, no contact until YOU figure out what your going to do, if they break NC, you go to their command....which I think you should do anyway.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Beowulf

Brexin said:


> I already know the answer to this unfortunately... She wouldn't go for it. She has been telling me for weeks that she isnt going to put much effort into the marriage until she see's me putting effort into it. She justify's that by saying she had put effort in for years while i did nothing, and now its my turn to put the effort in first.


WHAT? She is cheating on YOU. She got pregnant from someone other than YOU. Dude, get out now. This is a lost cause.


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## keko

She wants you to put in an effort when she is the one that got pregnant by OM? Man, where did you find a wife like this? Report her ***!


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## Brexin

Working on what im going to say to her now 

I usually have to write myself either flashcards or a script to read from when talking about these things because i always forget stuff, and sometimes draw a blank right from the start of the conversation


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## bandit.45

Just tell her "Goodbye, my lawyer will be in touch with you.". File for divorce and "go dark" on her. No contact whatsoever except through attorney.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Beowulf

Brexin said:


> Working on what im going to say to her now
> 
> I usually have to write myself either flashcards or a script to read from when talking about these things because i always forget stuff, and sometimes draw a blank right from the start of the conversation


I'll make it easy for you.

Say

We're done. I'm reporting you both to the CO.

No flashcards necessary.


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## keko

Don't ever use flash cards. Ever.

The more beta you look, the more babies you'll support from OM.


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## crossbar

Brexin said:


> We live on post, so technically its her house as she is the soldier


*facepalm*

Okay, it's not her house because she is the Soldier. They (military) will make her leave while you and the kids stay in Base housing. SHE has somewhere to go. They will put her in a room at the Barracks while the issue gets resolved! They can't make you move into the Barracks!

And you written that you're figuring out what to tell her. Here's what you tell her....nothing. Not a damn thing! You don't think that the OM is already grilling her about information about you, about where your head is at? He wants to know what your game plan is in the WORST way!

It's unfortunate, but in some units, the SNCO's and Officers are part of the "good ol' Boys club" and they look out for each other. So, the more time you sit on this, you're giving them more time to rug sweep this if they can. The less people know about this, the better. Your giving him WAY TOO MUCH TIME to work a game plan.

You need to call Post/Base legal and tell them what's going on and you're looking for them to resolve the issue or else you're going to write your Congressman about it. DO NOT TELL YOUR WIFE YOU ARE DOING THIS!!! She'll just warn the OM. If Base Legal gets involved, the Unit has NO CHOICE but to address it. Her Colonel is so close to a Staff Officer position that he/she isn't going to let some Staff Sargent screwing your wife mess that up for him or her with a Congressional Inquiry.

If your wife gets mad, remember you didn't do this, they did. If she asks you why? Just say, " You wanted me to take the first steps into fixing this, I just took it."

Call Base Legal TODAY!!! AS IN RIGHT NOW!!!!

Damn, I'm becoming a regular Sea Lawyer here!


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## Brexin

bandit.45 said:


> Just tell her "Goodbye, my lawyer will be in touch with you.". File for divorce and "go dark" on her. No contact whatsoever except through attorney.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I would if there was no kids involved



keko said:


> Don't ever use flash cards. Ever.
> 
> The more beta you look, the more babies you'll support from OM.


I just dont want to forget anything



crossbar said:


> If your wife gets mad, remember you didn't do this, they did. If she asks you why? Just say, " You wanted me to take the first steps into fixing this, I just took it."


This made me lol, thank you


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## crossbar

Brexin said:


> This made me lol, thank you


 issed: What are you doing talking to me! You should be on the phone with Legal! Let me know what they said!


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## Brexin

crossbar said:


> issed: What are you doing talking to me! You should be on the phone with Legal! Let me know what they said!


I called and verified, but the legal office doesnt deal with matters pertaining to Military Justice.

Link to fort campbells legal office: Legal Assistance


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## crossbar

Brexin said:


> I called and verified, but the legal office doesnt deal with matters pertaining to Military Justice.
> 
> Link to fort campbells legal office: Legal Assistance


Call them back and find out who you need to talk to that DOES handle military Justice. They should have told you that on the phone already. And if that doesn't work, then you get on the horn with the Unit CO and tell him or her.


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## hookares

Beowulf said:


> I will add that since the OM's wife is not willing to have any children the likelihood that she will not only continue to see him but produce more children for him is great. So what really will happen is that they will continue seeing each other in the guise of shared custody of their child. They will produce more children and you will have to watch her go through pregnancy after pregnancy knowing they aren't your children. Is that a marriage you really want?



Yeah and if you don't dump her and run for your life, some idiot judge will have you paying for every little addition that the two of them can squirt out.
The resident legal adviser makes this likely with his explanation.


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## ShootMePlz!

JAG will handle military justice and punishment of the troops. All one can do is stay on the Commanders and 1ST SGT's with information and any continued contact etc. Once he decides to divorce then the Legal Office will help with that. 

I was a Senior NCO and there is sort of a "Good Ole Boy" network so thats why you need to keep shaking the bees nest!!! 

How many years does the OM and wife have in the service? I am thinking that reduction in rank and denial of re-enlistment will be the end result for both. If by end of current enlistment he is at/over 20 years it won't hurt as much but if ends at 18 then he loses his retirement which he would have collected at 38 or so.


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## Brexin

ShootMePlz! said:


> JAG will handle military justice and punishment of the troops. All one can do is stay on the Commanders and 1ST SGT's with information and any continued contact etc. Once he decides to divorce then the Legal Office will help with that.
> 
> I was a Senior NCO and there is sort of a "Good Ole Boy" network so thats why you need to keep shaking the bees nest!!!
> 
> How many years does the OM and wife have in the service? I am thinking that reduction in rank and denial of re-enlistment will be the end result for both. If by end of current enlistment he is at/over 20 years it won't hurt as much but if ends at 18 then he loses his retirement which he would have collected at 38 or so.


If you know what steps a ineed to take, that would be really helpful! My wife has 6 years in (spc), and i have no clue about him... but i know he is an Infantry SSG. They are both in the same Aviation battalion


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## crossbar

Okay, so now you have me and Shoot me on your ass now! I hope you made that call!


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## Brexin

crossbar said:


> Okay, so now you have me and Shoot me on your ass now! I hope you made that call!


I did, but im not getting anywhere with legal.. i have to contact her commander.. But i did write her a nice long letter explaining why im leaving her


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## crossbar

okay....ummm....I hope you didn't mention about contacting their chain of command.


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## Brexin

crossbar said:


> okay....ummm....I hope you didn't mention about contacting their chain of command.


To her? No


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## Shaggy

Wanna bet they are still meeting up and having sex now that they are home.

Remember the night out where you we not invited. Bingo!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Beowulf

Shaggy said:


> Wanna bet they are still meeting up and having sex now that they are home.
> 
> Remember the night out where you we not invited. Bingo!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yeah, its not like she can get more pregnant.


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## turnera

Brexin said:


> Working on what im going to say to her now
> 
> I usually have to write myself either flashcards or a script to read from when talking about these things because i always forget stuff, and sometimes draw a blank right from the start of the conversation


You realize that this is classic CONFLICT AVOIDANCE, right? This is YOUR issue, and probably the first and maybe main reason she does not respect you - YOU don't respect you.

Would you let a MAN talk to you the way she does? Would you have to write flash cards to tell a MAN off?

Go tonight and buy No More Mr Nice Guy and read it tomorrow. Please.


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## turnera

Brexin said:


> But i did write her a nice long letter explaining why im leaving her


Oh NO! Not THAT! Not a LETTER!

However will she survive?


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## square1

turnera said:


> Oh NO! Not THAT! Not a LETTER!
> 
> However will she survive?


Her and OM will probably use the letter to start a romantic fire while he rubs her pregnant belly then they have sex... Again.


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## Humble Pie

Brexin said:


> I dont need anymore. I just figured that since im getting over my depression and becoming the same man she fell in love with, she would love me as much as she did before :scratchhead:


That's great that you are moving along well with yourself in regards to your depression... 

Its an unfortunate situation which happened DURING your depression, but you must accept what has happened and move on; either with or without her.

With her, you are going to endure a lot more hurt, she is gonna have the baby, baby is not yours, and the OM will be involved in the babies life and your wifes, who she admits loves him more than you. 

Without her, you can experience a new life, with you child (as much as possible) and the searching for a new soul mate, one that has more morals that what you are dealing with now. This future is unwritten and will be a new discovery for you to enjoy and in a sense "start over". 

IMOHO, I would want to start over with a new partner, a new experience, a new life.

If you continue this marriage, your depression might come back full swing again, and again, and again with this BW.


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## Humble Pie

Okay, my last post was a bit late, I just caught up to speed...

why did you write a long letter which should only have 1 sentance in it... you keep trying to hold on to someone who is no longer there!

Did you give her the letter? Where are you now?


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## Kallan Pavithran

Brexin said:


> I already know the answer to this unfortunately... She wouldn't go for it. She has been telling me for weeks that she isnt going to put much effort into the marriage until she see's me putting effort into it. She justify's that by saying she had put effort in for years while i did nothing, and now its my turn to put the effort in first.




She put her full effort into your marriage by banging some else and getting pregnant, her greatest effort for the long peaceful happy marriage, Why cant you put your effort by babysitting their baby which you are supposed to as she think you are a cuckold husband, if you cant put this effort, why cant you move out of the marriage?


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## Brexin

I get it guys, Its a waste of time to stick around lol. I finished the letter, its quite long... over 12,000 characters atm. I dont care what you guys think about my letter, and how i handle the breakup... but at least im going through with it


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## warlock07

good for you. Don't step back now


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## river rat

When you give her the letter, do so with dignity. Shed no tears. Just hand it to her and tell her you'd like her to read it, and walk away with no further explanation or discussion.


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## turnera

Sounds like a Plan B letter to me.


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## 67flh

really, all your letter should say is "see ya".


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## Kallan Pavithran

It is the right time to love yourself. Stay strong the road ahead is tough but it will lead you into success and happiness. Love and trust. 

Road will be tough but will not as painful as living with your cheating wife who dont have any empathy, love or care for you and your feelings.Who treat you like a trash and doormat to rub and dump her dirt.

Take care of yourself and do the 180 for betterment of yourself. Its time for detach detach and detach emotionally and physically from your wife.


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## Gooch78

Buddy.. NO HOPE. Sorry. Leave and start new..


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## Gooch78

You Say you Love your WIfe??? How can you Love someone who has cheated on you twice, and you dont know about others... Its not love, its just the Want to own her and no one else. Especially knowing that she has cheated..
Get the Hell out, and screw her over and the seargent, even if it means mother of your son.


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## bandit.45

Don't stop pursuing legal action against them.

Make it your new mission in life. This CO needs to go down!


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