# New and looking for support



## SweetPlum

Hi, I'm not really sure how this kind of thing works, but I'm looking for support and objective opinions on my situation. 

I have been married for eleven years, and most of that time it's been pretty good. Life has been tough for a very long time, but our relationship has been fairly stable for most of our marriage. Right now, though, I feel more distant than ever before from my husband. We recently moved overseas, after a couple years of not knowing what we were doing next, and a very traumatic move before that. 

I have had issues with anxiety my whole life, which makes it very hard to build strong friendships and see the best in people. I also sometimes struggle with depression, after several major disappointments in my adult life. However, I'm trying really hard to do better - to get exercise, fresh air, keep occupied, which is really a challenge right now. I'm also dealing with some pretty big faith issues (I'm a Christian) and am working hard to articulate them rather than let them just sit there. 

All that is just context. My husband knows all of this stuff. He's been right there with me as I've gotten diagnosed with anxiety disorder, received counselling, and made lifestyle changes to try to help myself get better. He is supportive, in theory. 
But recently, basically since we moved back to where we are currently, it feels like he doesn't have time for it. Like he doesn't really see. Maybe he's just gotten so used to it that it doesn't seem like a big deal anymore. But I'm still living it. I have tried not to close down when it seems like he doesn't want to listen, but it's hard to feel like there's an open door to communicate how I'm really doing. There are things he does (or rather doesn't do) that make me feel like he doesn't value me very much, or care much what his actions might communicate to me. 

We kind of had it out this morning a little, and I articulated this to him, and told him that he made me feel unvalued and unimportant. He apologised, and even said that he could see why I'd feel that way. But he didn't tell me that he _does_ value me, or that I am important. I don't know what to do with this. There are times when it feels like I'm just not the person he wants.


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## jlg07

I am wondering -- have you improved? Has your anxiety gotten better? Are you still fighting the same issues for eleven years?
The reason I ask is that maybe he just doesn't see that he can help you anymore and doesn't see that things are improving for you. IF that, then he maybe is tuning out a bit since there isn't anything he thinks he can do to help?


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## SweetPlum

jlg07 said:


> I am wondering -- have you improved? Has your anxiety gotten better? Are you still fighting the same issues for eleven years?
> The reason I ask is that maybe he just doesn't see that he can help you anymore and doesn't see that things are improving for you. IF that, then he maybe is tuning out a bit since there isn't anything he thinks he can do to help?


Those are good questions. As far as the anxiety goes, I know now that it's something I've had going on most of my life, though it's only in the last few years that I've been able to identify it as such and start working to get better. I am better in some ways, but one of the main things that has helped is simply talking about what's going on in my head. Verbalising the fears I have helps to take away some of their power. Recently, however, I do feel like I've come to a bit of a standstill with this stuff, so you may be right that there's a sort of burnout on his end. I guess I need to be sensitive to that, and maybe look for some more strategies to continue in the healing process.


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## jlg07

Can you get some individual counseling for your issues? Your H probably tries his best, but he's not trained.
A person trained has work and therapies that you can do to get better. THOSE can help you improve without your H being overloaded...


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## Savannah01

SweetPlum said:


> Hi, I'm not really sure how this kind of thing works, but I'm looking for support and objective opinions on my situation.
> 
> I have been married for eleven years, and most of that time it's been pretty good. Life has been tough for a very long time, but our relationship has been fairly stable for most of our marriage. Right now, though, I feel more distant than ever before from my husband. We recently moved overseas, after a couple years of not knowing what we were doing next, and a very traumatic move before that.
> 
> I have had issues with anxiety my whole life, which makes it very hard to build strong friendships and see the best in people. I also sometimes struggle with depression, after several major disappointments in my adult life. However, I'm trying really hard to do better - to get exercise, fresh air, keep occupied, which is really a challenge right now. I'm also dealing with some pretty big faith issues (I'm a Christian) and am working hard to articulate them rather than let them just sit there.
> 
> All that is just context. My husband knows all of this stuff. He's been right there with me as I've gotten diagnosed with anxiety disorder, received counselling, and made lifestyle changes to try to help myself get better. He is supportive, in theory.
> But recently, basically since we moved back to where we are currently, it feels like he doesn't have time for it. Like he doesn't really see. Maybe he's just gotten so used to it that it doesn't seem like a big deal anymore. But I'm still living it. I have tried not to close down when it seems like he doesn't want to listen, but it's hard to feel like there's an open door to communicate how I'm really doing. There are things he does (or rather doesn't do) that make me feel like he doesn't value me very much, or care much what his actions might communicate to me.
> 
> We kind of had it out this morning a little, and I articulated this to him, and told him that he made me feel unvalued and unimportant. He apologised, and even said that he could see why I'd feel that way. But he didn't tell me that he _does_ value me, or that I am important. I don't know what to do with this. There are times when it feels like I'm just not the person he wants.


I feel you . My husband does the same when I have anxiety or just not feeling well. I think some people cannot deal with things like this , they feel awkward and can’t give the proper support for us who needs it. 
I don’t entirely know if we can change how someone is on situation like this — they will not see how we feel until they feel compassion for what we go through .
Anxiety is a difficult thing for those of us who gets them and much more for those who don’t because they have a limited sense of understanding 
Unless a person is in tune with being aware and helpful , sadly they are never going to be able to give the care and compassion we want because they simply don’t understand where we are coming from … no explanation can ever give a person who’s never been in a panic attack or anxiety attack will understand that sometimes we just need that care and hug and words of comfort … 
To this day my husband has never understood this … I just have to live with that reality and not seek that from him. It’s very sad but it is the reality . 
if you have family or friends who understand better seek support there .. it’s not helpful to rely on people who will never get what you are dealing with .


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