# new to forum, and new to separation:/



## mesingle?! (Mar 21, 2011)

Hi. my name is Shannon. Im 29 years old (30 in august EEK!!) and I have three beautiful children. Jayson just turned 4, Lilyan will be 3 in May, and my little guy Liam just turned 6 months last weekend. My husband left us 3 weeks ago. come August would have been "together" for 16 years, we've been married almost 7 years. He said he "needed space" needed to "think". The first week he was gone there was little or no contact except around the kids. I was a MESS. He seemed so removed and distant. So cold. Said he was lying low, not doing anything. 8 days after he left I checked his phone bill. 100's of texts to one number. I was so confused about how he seemingly flipped a switch. It was now crystal clear. He will not tell me anything about who this woman is. I suspect it is someone from the office. Im devestated at the loss of my family. but there is a part of me that is also relieved as I know we were not 'really' happy. he actually recieved oral sex from a stripper Oct '09. We separated for 7 weeks. i took him bk. I want to say huge mistake. But Id make it again if it was the only way Liam were in my life. It was incredibly unlike Jeremy to do somehing like that. This also seems just completley out of character...so it seems. BUt I guess Im seeing him differently now. I think all the signs were there and I just didnt want to admit it. All the bu*ls*it excuses he first gave as his reason for leaving make me so ANGRY. A lot had to do with the kids. How ive changed. How our life has changed. How the kids are always involved, we always have to worry about them, we get very little time away from them, etc. NO ****E SHERLOCK, ya think?! We have 3 kids 4 and under! If I say he is being selfish he says that" proves his point" about how awul I am. He has alwas been degrading. At first I had this bizarre view of everything, like I had lost this "perfect" love. Reality is creeping back in. We had anything but that. Im looking forward to connecting with some others that are going through this torture, and giving as well as recieving support. I meet him tomorrow to finalize and file our legal separation. Bizarre. Just a lilttle more than 3 weeks ago I was debating what kind of backsplash I liked for our kitchen (for the new house we just bought 9m ago btw!), and tomorrow Im going to sign a paper that ends a relationship Ive been in for half my life. I hate that I have to see him so often. He comes here 2 nights a week and one weekend day into evening. I stayed here the first couple times. Even cooked dinne and sat down to eat with him and the kids. Since I found out he has been lying and there is another woman I dont think Ive even looked him in the eye. I can write this without crying. Its amazing to me how far ive come in such a short time. Although I wont lie and say I havent shed a tear today...
Please explain 180 or direct me where to read up on it!! I was VERY bad with txting in the beginning, but I think Im doing better every day...


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

First I like to express my sorry for you, bloody hard time to be going through, glad you found our safe haven here.

From the average mans point of view:

Husband & wife, each doting on the other, all is good, they decide to start a family, she gets pregnant, 9months late the little bundle of joy enters the world, all is good, all is fine.

Very soon husband starts to notice that wife is spending a whole lot less time with him and a whole less affection on him, and either accepts that as being part of the new baby arrival, or starts being a little annoyed that all his wife really wants to do is go to bed early because she has to be up for a 2am feed.

I tell you this to try and give you a small insight to the mans point of view, having said that, I am not trying to lay blame on one or the other. It happens all the time, some men deal with the situation better than others (me, I did the 2am feed, wife went to bed after the 10pm feed, junior usually slept for 5 hrs after the 2am feed).

OK, 180 in a nutshell is No Contact,, or, the contact you do have is kept on a business level, as in it is fine to be pleasant, but is not fine to talk about 'Us', the situation etc. conversations are kept short as much as possible. Because you have kids NC wont work, so you go LC (low contact)

Freak on a Leash did a very good break down of 180 rules a few days ago, if you check her profile, then check her posts you will find it.

Wish you well, and don't be a stranger here, lots of real good people with lots of real world experience with what is happening with you.


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## Babyheart (Feb 9, 2011)

Hi Shannon,

Very sorry to see you here. What asses these 'men' are! Had a similar situation with my husband, he needed "time", turns out he was having an affair with some skank ho at the office (who is also married with 2 small kids!!)

Are you guys divorcing? Before you sign anything make sure it is in your & the kids best interest. Depending on what state you are in, the rules may change because he is cheating.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Sheesh another story I identify with  *hugs tight*


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

You've already gotten great advice from the best of the best here at TAM! We're good people in crappy situations! Keep your head held high. Put yourself first. Sounds like you have a solid head on your shoulders, and you'll need that.  Vent here as much as you'd like. There are several references to the 180 on this forum. Here's the original thread. http://talkaboutmarriage.com/self-help-marriage-relationship-programs/18671-180.html There are also some good books out there. One recommended to me was Love Must Be Tough by Dobson. I'm picking that one up tonight. It's so hard to shift the focus to ourselves in order to "get over" him, but you can do this. Stay strong!


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## Jaded Heart (Jan 5, 2011)

Shannon, 

Glad you came here, sorry it had to be under these reason! 

Like you my H just moved out last Tuesday Night. He told me the same thing he needed space. Later to find out he was having an affair with his Brothers Wife. 

I can't do the full 180 cause we have kids and he is here every night to see them which makes it very hard on me cause I want this marriage to work. Right now he doesn't call me at all and it kills cause I know he talks to her . That really is the only thing I have a hard time with. My H won't say it is over cause he doesn't know, I don't think he will ever be able to make a decision if he is talking to her. 

It is to bad you don't know who this other Woman is cause I would confront her or even find out if she has a family and a H


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## mesingle?! (Mar 21, 2011)

Thanks for the advice and support. Ive read up on your stories, and Im just so sorry It makes me so angry that marriage is meaningless to so many people. I would have never walked away from my marriage. But due to the situation I really had no choice. Ive already given him one chance, I was never even given time enough to recover fully and here he has betrayed me again. I would never even remotley trust him again. I would always resent him. And besides he hasnt shown much interest. Although he does expect me to feel sorry for him that after signing my separation agreement he has nothing left. Oh so sorry. ass. I did "take him to the cleaners" Ill admit, but i always said just be honest w me and I will play fair. Do me dirty and Ill dirty you. So yes I demanded a lot. Tough. Jerk. No amount of money will make up for all we've lost anyway. No money makes my kids have a real father, a real family, or makes up for the loss of my future he vowed to be a part of. I mean we were toxic in some ways, we def had a lot of growing to do, but we SHOULD have had the time to work towards our own perfection. Marriage is a contract and in my opinion contracts that are broken incur penalties...but anyway, divorce is inevitable. Im sure the line of people in the court house could figure that out listening to him degradig me for 40 minutes while we stood in line to file for separation. Thats something I still dont get?! Why is HE so evil to ME?! He is the one who left, why does he think I should be sympathising with him at all
UGHHHHHHHHH! He is such a douche I realy dont see what this woman even see's in him... Wow it feels good to rant lol


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Shannon, you and me sweet thang are very similar *sigh* it's very saddening  and I am 5 months on..I tried to give my H a chance to come back, he didn't even take it..

Now I'm doing this turn around, and cutting him out of my life (as much as I can, we have 3 kids together!) he doesn't like it! Errrrrm what goes through their stupid fat noggins... almost 15 years I invested into our relationship, 5 years of marriage, 8 years with children and he just does this.. for what?! Seriously I am thinking a midlife crisis look up Grass is greener syndrome.. I reckon he has that! My H left and I tried to fix things.. he dipped his wick somewhere else and I was begging him to come back... I seriously had doormat tattooed on my forehead for so long!!


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

Shannon...so sorry that you're joining our club. I know how hard it is to have a little baby and to be a single Mom,my 2nd daughter is 1 years old but I have been taking care of her alone since she was 7 months old . 

Yes the anger is the mystery of all.They get angry at us because they have to leave us...complete nonsense . 
My husband also said horrible hurtful things to me to justify why he is leaving ,this came from the sweetest person I know,for 10 years he hasn't said a bad word to me ,always sweet and nice ,never raised his voice on me....He turned into a cold bast*ard in a matter of 12 hrs . 10 days before that he was looking for a house for us , emailed me links to houses and was texting "" babe I think this house is perfect for us"" , showered me with love texts every day,3 times a day.He seemed pretty attracted to me up until the day he said he's done. 

I'm supposedly reconciling at the moment BUT I still struggle,we are not together he lives in another state ...God knows what'll happen until we get back together and who knows if things will work out between us. He's hurt me so much,I hope I can overcome all that.

Hugs honey,hang out with us, it'll definitely make your days better.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Hey Shannon.
First of all, 30 isn't so bad. LOL. I just turned it myself  

If you know what you want, go for it. It sounds like he is a serial cheat. If you want to save the marriage, then expose the affair. If not, then bid him farewell and walk tall. The story about the BJ and stripper--yuck.

Please get tested for STDs STAT.


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