# Sister-In-Law is a Know-It-All



## Catatonic (Sep 9, 2010)

My oldest brother is married to a very annoying and controlling woman who is constantly reading self-help books or converting to different religions and then shoving her "new, improved" advice down everyone's throat. Several years ago, after I moved to the city I'm currently living in, I developed pretty bad allergies. My sister-in-law informed me that it was all in my head, that I just needed to "think positively" and my allergies would go away (she always told her stepchildren the same thing whenever they got colds or the flu). She also refuses to put an animal to sleep even when it is in extreme pain, such as kidney failure, because of her "religion", she told my brother and my parents that it was their fault my other brother committed suicide, and my brother will not speak to me on the phone if she's home.

Recently, my elderly father was hit by a car, and is now in a skilled nursing home. We don't yet know to what extent he may or is going to recover, and I have been talking to him about the possibility of moving in with my husband and me if he doesn't have to stay in the nursing home. Neither my brother nor his wife have visited my father since the accident, nor have they telephoned him, neither has been driving 500 miles each week to check on his house, neither is helping to make sure my dad's bills are paid or that he gets to his doctor appointments, and neither is helping submit claims to his insurance or notifying family or friends of his status. However, my know-it-all sister-in-law is now harping on me about having my father move in with my husband and me because she doesn't think we should "force" him to move in with us. I explained to her that I am not "forcing" anyone to do anything, but at this point we don't even know if he can live alone anymore. She keeps getting in my face about it, so I finally said something to my brother, and he got mad at me and said that I am unable to get along with his wife because I refuse to accept that anyone else has their own perspective. WHAT? I have never NOT gotten along with her and I have never said anything about her previously. I then asked my brother how he would like it if my husband got in his face and told him how to deal with a situation like this.

Am I wrong to feel like she has no business saying anything about the situation? It's not HER father, and she is doing absolutely NOTHING to help, but feels she has the right to tell me what to do? I feel like she's an "armchair quarterback" - always ready to criticize but unwilling to help.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

"Well the person to discuss all this with is Dad. When can we meet at the hospital?"

Just broken record that until they either show up and lend a hand or go away.


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## Mandia99508 (Jul 15, 2010)

Ugh. Sister-In-Laws can be the worst. This one in particular just seems annoying, and full of ****. Brother needs to wake up, and maybe start putting her in her place. I want to shake him and say "stop being such a doormat! how can you be happy like this!?!" Don't you?

My STBXH has a sister who is full of malicious intent against me.

Here's the story: Sister and I were great friends. Sister starts seeing guy. Guy is alcoholic. We're talking like wake up in the middle of night and shakes, has to drink from the bottle in the freezer alcoholic. Totally addicted. Not to mention, he's also a total effing idiot, no job, drug dealer. Waste of breath kind of person. He tells her, he's going to quit, and before this she's turning to me and my husband for support and condolence. So when I had to work with him (because my boss took pity on him), and it was very apparent that he had indeed not quit drinking, not at all. He was telling lies to her, I got involved and went to her, and said hey, blah blah blah... if it was me, I'd want to know, of course she didn't believe me. Of course it eventually came to a head, and she still held it against me. Even though I was right. Ever since then she's stuck her nose in our business and gone to her brother and said terrible lies about me, trying to manipulate him. Why? I don't know. He's mostly been unaffected by it. Recently she told a whopper of a lie. When I proved her wrong, he and I actually found our way back to living together civilly. 

I'll never understand her. She makes THE WORST choices and lies through her teeth constantly. (AND TO HER FAMILY!!!) Trust me, I was not looking forward to marrying in to a family that had her or her lousy boyfriend in it, and now that I'm getting out of it... hallelujah! Wash my hands clean of them.


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## Brewster 59 (Jun 19, 2010)

:rofl::rofl::rofl: I have a SIL that if she thinks the sky is green, there is no point in proving to her that it is blue.

Present your case to Dad and let him make the choices he wants in his life, however make it known SIL.opinions will not be welcomed if he chooses to live with you. JMHO


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## Catatonic (Sep 9, 2010)

Great advice! That's exactly what I'm going to do.

I told my brother that I don't expect him to take my side - in fact, I'd be quite irritated if my husband didn't take my side in any situation, whether I'm right or wrong (and vice versa) because that's what you do when you're married. That doesn't mean you can't tell your spouse in the privacy of your own home that you think they need to back off. I just wanted my brother to know that I think I've been pretty tolerant & nice by not saying anything & shoving my opinions down their throats all these years even though she doesn't give me the same courtesy.

Thank you!


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

I wouldn't talk to your brother about anything. It seems obvious he doesn't want nothing to do with the situation, so why involve him. Is dad capable of talking, making decisions? Then talk with him and you and he make decisions on what he wants. If brother calls let dad speak with him. If sil calls wants to talk, shut her down and ask for your brother. You know she will call just to find fault with your caregiving. So be ready.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

4sure said:


> I wouldn't talk to your brother about anything. It seems obvious he doesn't want nothing to do with the situation, so why involve him. Is dad capable of talking, making decisions? Then talk with him and you and he make decisions on what he wants. If brother calls let dad speak with him. If sil calls wants to talk, shut her down and ask for your brother. You know she will call just to find fault with your caregiving. So be ready.


While I kind of agree with this approach, the problem is that sooner or later you will be accused of manipulating your father to his (your brother) detriment.

Look, he's your father's son so let him know what is going on. No, he isn't helping but in the end, if you do everything upfront with your brother's knowledge, it will be better.

And leave your f'ing SIL out of the conversations. Just you and brother (and your husband).


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Oh, this sounds familiar. I guess every family has one or two of those. I personally encountered this problem last year. When I went into a coma. I understand one of my SIL's immediately sprang into action. Of course that would be the ignorant know-it-all one. I now know she dominated everything for two and a half weeks. It was awful, and I was in complete disbelief when I finally came out of the coma (& realized what was going on). 

Even though I suffered some brain damage, I could tell things were not right when I awoke. Not only were friends and family acting differently, but this woman was talking to me like I were a small child. LUCKILY for me.....my therapist was visiting me daily. She had me to discuss what had been going on with everyone involved. It was not a pretty picture. Then my therapist actually called everyone in my hospital room and we had a big sessions (even doctors and nurses). We had a big talk about BOUNDARIES. 

I think your whole situation ultimately comes down to boundaries. Your SIL needs to find out she has limitations. Will your dad soon be able to address the issue? That's the best possible situation if he can do as I did. If not, it is up to you or your bother to set some boundaries--where your dad's care is concerned. 

Hang in there. I know it isn't easy.


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## Catatonic (Sep 9, 2010)

Thanks for all the help! I knew I wasn't crazy, but it's nice to have others verify it! :smthumbup:

A few years ago, this same sister-in-law and her mother were in a similar situation, and I don't even know what happened because I would never dream of interfering with someone else's family. I only heard bits & pieces and never asked about it because I felt that it was none of my business. Wonder how she would have felt if I'd stuck my nose in and done the same thing she's doing now?


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## Brewster 59 (Jun 19, 2010)

827Aug said:


> Oh, this sounds familiar. I guess every family has one or two of those. I personally encountered this problem last year. When I went into a coma. I understand one of my SIL's immediately sprang into action. Of course that would be the ignorant know-it-all one. I now know she dominated everything for two and a half weeks. It was awful, and I was in complete disbelief when I finally came out of the coma (& realized what was going on).
> 
> Even though I suffered some brain damage, I could tell things were not right when I awoke. Not only were friends and family acting differently, but this woman was talking to me like I were a small child. LUCKILY for me.....my therapist was visiting me daily. She had me to discuss what had been going on with everyone involved. It was not a pretty picture. Then my therapist actually called everyone in my hospital room and we had a big sessions (even doctors and nurses). We had a big talk about BOUNDARIES.
> 
> ...


:iagree: even though its what I said earlier with a little more detail, 827 has a lot of good wisdom that she has aquired the hard way. What she says that hits home is the setting of boundaries, and what your expectations are, also boundaries that wont be tolerated by people who arent contributing to taking care of dad, however if they are contributing to Dads care you do have to value their opinions, if not contributing to Dads care well all I can say is opinions are like aholes, everyone has one and everyones elses stinks.


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