# wife gradually lost feelings of intimacy wants back best way to achieve that



## dg31 (Oct 29, 2014)

Hi, short back ground, wife and I been together for 11.5 years married the last 6.5 years. up until 1.5 yrs ago she has always kissed me multiple times a day, random texts saying "i miss you" or "I love you" telling me how much i mean to her, etc.... Over the last 6 years or so her feelings of intimacy have faded, sex became less and less. Sex was the only thing that became less and less, id get rejected all the time. Our relationship except for the intimacy part is 99% perfect she and I agree on that, She has said many times that Im as perfect as it gets. That Im everything shes wanted, its just that desire to be intimate is gone. At this point she pretty much views me as a friend. We had a terrible last year she was on the fence of ending the marriage. She has decided to stay and try to rebuild/grow/gain, whatever word you want to use, etc... She said shes committed to staying around and given it time to see if her feelings change. Problem is (In my opinion) time is all she said she can give. She is making no conscious effort to be intimate even with baby steps. Her thing is that her actions are dictated by feelings (I get that to a certain extent) that they are not there yet, that it needs to come naturally and on its own, needs to be effortless. Im not saying in anyway we need to force sex, but I think based on the situation we are in, time we've known each, own a house together, etc... that she needs to make some kind of conscious effort. Is it wrong for me to expect her to give simple kisses, saying good night, before leaving for work, coming home, etc, saying I love you, small things like that to help impact her feelings?? Is she right in only given her time?? 

Please help, Thank you,

D


----------



## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening dg31
This is all to common a problem - see the LD/HD (low desire / high desire) threads here. Common - and miserable.

Does she physically enjoy sex when you do have it?

Are there any other problems in your relationship - real or imagined on her part?

Its possible to get into a downward spiral. Less sex results in less of other forms of intimacy, which results in less interest in sex.

If I were talking to both of you, I'd suggest that you try jump -starting intimacy again. Have sex several times a week - each make a special effort to do the things the other particularly enjoys. Be intimate in all other ways -kiss, hold hands, backrubs, love notes etc. Try to act the way you acted when you first got together. 

"pretend" if you want to call it that - but making yourself do these things is a way to get out of that rut. Try it for just a few weeks - a small effort in such a long marriage and see if you can get back the intimacy you lost. 

If it doesn't work, then at least you will have tried, and will have found that the spark is really gone.


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Your relationship is far from 99% perfect is she's considering divorce, just hanging around to see if the "feelings" fairy whacks her with his wand. Since the first couple got together and called themselves life partners, there have been ceremonies where people make promises. This is necessary because "feelings" naturally fluctuate but we can't have life partners running in and out of each others' lives. We make commitments to BEHAVE as husband and wife so we will continue to do so through those times we don't FEEL like it. Make sense? Well all must experience feelings but we aren't slaves to them. If you willfully refused to have sex with your wife long enough (mentally justifying each refusal to yourself), you would eventually see her as undesirable. Conversely, if you habitually treated her lovingly, tenderly and as if she were the sexiest thing on earth, you would have to mentally justify each of those actions to yourself as well and before long you would truly believe she was all that and a bag of chips. I don't think there is a huge mystery to her question. The marriage is "right" only if she chooses it to be so. Whether you are the man of her dreams, her enemy, or just a buddy is a deliberate choice she makes in her own mind. It's a little strange that intimacy began to fade right after y'all got married. Five years of grooviness, then a marriage, and within six months, intimacy faded? Which of you was most interested in getting married?


----------



## dg31 (Oct 29, 2014)

Thank you for taking the time to respond. The inital reasons for her fading feelings had to do with me. Im 31 she's 28, since I can remember I've never had a desire or passion to do something with my life, I have always just kind of coasted. From our ~ 3rd year on she has taking the pants in the family roll, before we got married she did A LOT to repair my credit, get my finances in line, bills caught up. She took control of all the responsibility not because I wanted her too It just kind of happened. That's what started it, her taking the lead in the relationship and feeling like she took care of me. So years of that without me changing my ways not trying to better myself by setting goals, etc... As of now she has said she no longer has that feeling that she takes care of me. 

She gets anxiety when I try to initiate sex. It would make her really anxious and that anxiety would get more and more as the years went on. The last year we've not had sex or even kissed. We use to have sex all the time and she did enjoy it. 

She doesn't want to "fake it" because its not real.


----------



## Voltaire2013 (Sep 22, 2013)

dg31 said:


> Thank you for taking the time to respond. The inital reasons for her fading feelings had to do with me. Im 31 she's 28, since I can remember I've never had a desire or passion to do something with my life, I have always just kind of coasted. From our ~ 3rd year on she has taking the pants in the family roll, before we got married she did A LOT to repair my credit, get my finances in line, bills caught up. She took control of all the responsibility not because I wanted her too It just kind of happened. That's what started it, her taking the lead in the relationship and feeling like she took care of me. So years of that without me changing my ways not trying to better myself by setting goals, etc... As of now she has said she no longer has that feeling that she takes care of me.
> 
> She gets anxiety when I try to initiate sex. It would make her really anxious and that anxiety would get more and more as the years went on. The last year we've not had sex or even kissed. We use to have sex all the time and she did enjoy it.
> 
> She doesn't want to "fake it" because its not real.


She wants you to 'man up', you should listen. I'm guessing she's tired of being in charge of the marriage. My wife eventually got tired of something as little as not deciding where we were going to dinner. 'I don't known, where do you want to go?' Was a problem. You need a little help. Start reading this:
The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011: Athol Kay: 9781460981733: Amazon.com: Books

You may be able to find a .pdf somewhere on the internet but it's worth the price of buying. Be a leader in your marriage if you want her to stay.

I would also take a close look at any male friends she talks to a lot. Does she have any one that she 'can talk to'? Something to consider, as a precautionary measure. Maybe someone more 'alpha' than you has caught her eye.

Cheers,
V(13)


----------



## dg31 (Oct 29, 2014)

She won't act like she did when we first met because her feelings aren't there. She wants her feelings to be there but they aren't so she's just gonna sit and hope they return by going out and living together. She doesn't want to fake it because its not genuine and its weird and feels awkward. What do you say to that???

Its so frustrating. I'm so fed up. If you want it your actions will reflect it. She could have left 100x already she's stayed on her own accord.


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

You've been together 11.5 years, she's been taking charge and taking care of you for the past 8.5 years but sex has diminished only in the past 6 years and the kissing stopped about 1.5 years ago. 

What are you doing, vocationally, now? Maybe she's not waiting for her feelings to change so much as she's waiting to see if you will disprove what she apparently already believes about you. Probably that you're a nice enough guy but you don't offer anything in the way of security for her. The sex stopped first but the kissing continued. Like a mom kisses her child but doesn't see him as a sexual being. Finally, even the kissing stopped. The credit problems bothered her so she fixed them. Security is probably very important to her (as it is for most women). The woman might not necessarily NEED a man to take care of her but I think all women want the security of knowing they have a man that can and would take care of them. Do you have a meaningful job and something that looks to her like a realistic plan for the future? She didn't just take your responsibilities on. You apparently neglected them and you allowed her to. She probably felt like she was taking care of you because she was. If you're not confident and secure enough to take care of you, who could she rely on to take care of her?


----------



## dg31 (Oct 29, 2014)

badsanta said:


> My guess here is that if you don't have kids, that she may have a desire to begin having a family. This may also conflict with the possibility that she does not perceive you as somebody that will help provide for the kids.
> 
> If you do not have kids, ask her about her feeling towards having a family. That conversation may open up the can of worms needed to help better understand what is happening and how to progress.



She wants a family and so do I. That was one of the similar wabts in our marriage. She's said she knows I'd be a great dad.


----------



## dg31 (Oct 29, 2014)

Voltaire2013 said:


> She wants you to 'man up', you should listen. I'm guessing she's tired of being in charge of the marriage. My wife eventually got tired of something as little as not deciding where we were going to dinner. 'I don't known, where do you want to go?' Was a problem. You need a little help. Start reading this:
> The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011: Athol Kay: 9781460981733: Amazon.com: Books
> 
> You may be able to find a .pdf somewhere on the internet but it's worth the price of buying. Be a leader in your marriage if you want her to stay.
> ...




Yes she did feel that way. Yes I've been taking taking action towards changing my ways and lifestyle that will make her attracted to me again. Yes her eye caught another, its no longer a thing, they were not physical, so I'm dealing with trust and security issues with her, ive never been insecure or not confident all my years with her. I don't know how to be happy and confident trying to be a better person while I've been neglect emotionally and physically for more than a year without any end in sight.


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I agree she's probably tired of mothering you. A partner you have to parent is not sexually appealing. And I have to say to the guys that have responded, thank you so much for addressing the issue and not running straight to cheating. You've given me a little more faith in the men of TAM 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

She's not attracted to you becuase women are attracted to men and you are not acting like a man.

She does not feel you would be a good father, becuase sexual attraction is nature's way of telling a woman that a man would make a good father.

This is on you. The change is 100% required on you. Act like a man that women in general would be attracted to. You seem to be acting more like a child and women are not attacted to this.


----------



## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

Have you tried to man up and take the lead in rebuilding the relationship? And I don't mean by initiating sex. I mean by starting at the beginning again, corting her and trying to win her over again. Standing on the sidelines whining that she is not working fast enough to rebuild feelings that you admit to helping take away won't help a bit. You need to take the lead in this and show her why she should fall back in love with you. 

Ray
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

dg31 said:


> Thank you for taking the time to respond. The inital reasons for her fading feelings had to do with me. Im 31 she's 28, since I can remember *I've never had a desire or passion to do something with my life, I have always just kind of coasted.* From our ~ 3rd year on she has taking the pants in the family roll, before we got married she did A LOT to repair my credit, get my finances in line, bills caught up. She took control of all the responsibility not because I wanted her too It just kind of happened. That's what started it, *her taking the lead in the relationship and feeling like she took care of me.*
> 
> So years of that without me changing my ways not trying to better myself by setting goals, etc... As of now she has said she no longer has that feeling that she takes care of me.
> 
> ...


This will kill all lust and eroticism.

You may be a great guy, but being kind of aimless makes it difficult for her to respect you. I know it's unfair and I admire it's even sexist, but it's true. 

It's okay that she is in control of the money and that she makes better financial decisions than you. But it's not okay for you to lack direction or ambition. It doesn't matter what direction, but you must be working toward a goal of some sort. 

If you want her to become sexually attracted to you again you're going to have to find a direction and work toward it.


----------



## hartvalve (Mar 15, 2014)

lifeistooshort said:


> I agree she's probably tired of mothering you. *A partner you have to parent is not sexually appealing. * And I have to say to the guys that have responded, thank you so much for addressing the issue and not running straight to cheating. You've given me a little more faith in the men of TAM
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Priceless info.


----------



## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

dg31 said:


> She won't act like she did when we first met because her feelings aren't there. She wants her feelings to be there but they aren't so she's just gonna sit and hope they return by going out and living together. She doesn't want to fake it because its not genuine and its weird and feels awkward. What do you say to that???
> 
> Its so frustrating. I'm so fed up. If you want it your actions will reflect it. She could have left 100x already she's stayed on her own accord.


Take six months. Man up. Read No More Mr. Nice Guy. Go to the gym. Stop smothering her. Read the "temperature" threads on TAM. Do not initiate sex.

After 6 months, if you've come around enough, you might be in a position to require sex as a condition of staying in the marriage (assuming you've become a person she'd like to stay married to).


----------



## dg31 (Oct 29, 2014)

Thanks for the feed back. Yes im well aware that I need to step it up, not sure how because it only pertains to one thing that I've had trouble with since I was 5 and people ask you, "what do you want to be when you grow up?" I never had an answer. Just so its clear, I'm not some bump on a log that has no job, weights 600lbs lives on the couch, and mooches off my wife while she does everything. I have a good job I for the most part enjoy doing. $$ wise I make the same as my wife +/- $100. I have hobbies, Im athletic, I play sports, I have plenty of my own responsibilities around our house and everyday lives that I make sure I stay on top of, I've done A LOT of maintenance and improvements to our house. I have goals and wishes on when, how, and what I want when it comes to our house, family, etc.... The only issue I've always had was finding a passion for a career. Not by choice, believe me I hate that I've never been attracted or drawn to something. I need to basically pick something and see it through regardless if I enjoy it or not. We don't have the $$ for me to go back to school and experiment with career paths. Sorry I'm rambling now. 

Just wanted to show that I'm not some lazy do nothing. 

I appreciate the input. I'll figure out something to succeed at.


----------



## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

dg31 said:


> Yes she did feel that way. Yes I've been taking taking action towards changing my ways and lifestyle that will make her attracted to me again. *Yes her eye caught another, its no longer a thing, they were not physical, so I'm dealing with trust and security issues with her, *ive never been insecure or not confident all my years with her. I don't know how to be happy and confident trying to be a better person while I've been neglect emotionally and physically for more than a year without any end in sight.


She had an Emotional Affair during your marriage and it was swept under the rug? Not good.

As for passion, not everyone has a career passion. I've been working for almost 25 years and never had a career passion - just the need to have a job which enables me to live my life. As long as you've been holding down a job and taking care of responsibilities at home, I can't see why your wife would give a damn whether you were passionate about your career or not. She SHOULD care whether you are passionate about HER.

Personally, I would start marriage counseling right away. Things are NOT 99% perfect in your marriage except for sex, not by a long shot. Counseling could help air out all these buried resentments, which is very important as those are big barriers to intimacy.


----------



## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

great advice NJ. I totally agree.


----------



## cuchulain36 (Jul 8, 2014)

Go to the gym, lose weight, improve yourself and act like you don't give a **** if she notices. She'll either notice or she won't, but she doesn't think you're sexually attractive it's really a you thing to fix not a her thing to fix.

Kudos on your wife for being honest, I respect your wife a lot. She isn't BS'ing you with excuses and platitudes.


----------



## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

dg31 said:


> Is it wrong for me to expect her to give simple kisses, saying good night, before leaving for work, coming home, etc, saying I love you, small things like that to help impact her feelings?? Is she right in only given her time??
> 
> Please help, Thank you,
> 
> D


You've got great responses above regarding you getting your life in order and man up. 

as in regards if it is wrong for you to expect those little gestures? Those "little" gestures are expression of love and intinmacy, and when you do not feel them in you, or you are confused about your own feelings and what do you want for the future it is VERY HARd to do them. I would say it may be harder than having sex. If you have desire you can still have sex with your spouse, it's hormones, you getting physical relief. This is different.


----------



## dg31 (Oct 29, 2014)

cuchulain36 said:


> Go to the gym, lose weight, improve yourself and act like you don't give a **** if she notices. She'll either notice or she won't, but she doesn't think you're sexually attractive it's really a you thing to fix not a her thing to fix.
> 
> Kudos on your wife for being honest, I respect your wife a lot. She isn't BS'ing you with excuses and platitudes.



I'm 5' 11" 180. I'm far from fat. I don't need to lose weight. For 5 years I knew something was wrong. She always said to me after getting rejected trying to initate sex, "im sorry, please dont be mad, its me not you. You're not doing anything wrong." I always knew there was an intimacy problem because she told me and its obvious when you're getting rejected millions of times. But when she blatantly tells me its not me, multiple times, and I clarified each time that I'm not doing anything wrong, and none of this, "I said no but meant yes crap." Is going on and she said it wasn't. How am I suppose to know?? Communication is EVERYTHING. I blame a lot of this on that. Dont respect her that much she's not innocent in this. I asked dozens of times about whats wrong how can i help, etc.. And all i ever got was, "you cant do anything, its my issue." What else can i do?!?!?! She made it clear i was doing nothing wrong. Think about it......I would not of kept doing the same thing if I knew that was the reason she was not wanting to have sex with me. 

She knew who she married. She knew I had a problem with trying to find a passion for a career. I ALWAYS HAD A PASSION AND AMBITION TO KEEP HER HAPPY. I didnt force her to marry me. She did so 100% willingly. I have always made her an ambition to make her happy, to treat her better than anyone ever did or could. I'm the first nice guy she's been with. She's been cheated on and treated poorly by all her ex's. 
I think that's her issue. She has always been attracted to a-holes. She doesn't know how to relate sex and love. For this reason, the way I treat her all the little things, the love I show her does not do anything for her sexually. The only thing that gets her going is a guy who's ambitious and has drive to do something with his life. That's a "MAN" her words. She said so herself during our couples therapy session. (We went for a couple months then she stopped going because she thinks its not gonna help with getting her feelings back...I still go by myself) Im sorry but how is that possible??? She has depression issues and daddy issues, he was a really piece of work. 
That's how I think she can't relate love and intimacy. To her its just sex, she confuses lust with love. She won't admit that but that's my thought. A guy who is driven to be successful is the only thing that turns up on?!?!?!? and that's considered love??? But I have the problem?? Yes I know I should be more ambitious to want more from my life career wise but my god I've treated with with respect and love from day 1. I've been the best thing to happen to her, (she will tell you that)


----------



## dg31 (Oct 29, 2014)

Oh forgot......she does think I'm physically attractive. She doesn't have the sexual feelings. She's said its like I give off different phermones or something. I think she's doesnt know how do be content with being in a normal happy relationship. That's why she almost broke up with me 6 months after dating. She said I'm too nice that's she's never been with someone who treats her with respect and shows her love and affection. that she doesn't know how to handle it. Because its not "normal". Its not what's she's use to. She always said that being with a nice guy is what her heart wants but her brain doesn't know how to function with it. That is don't deserve her. Because she's broken and ****** up.


----------



## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

sorry to say, but it does look like this is over for her. It is up to you now to make a decision, apparently she has no guts to do that.


----------



## seahorse (Apr 10, 2010)

I get where you're coming from, but I disagree. I really think the issue goes deeper than that. Give her a genuine opportunity to speak her mind, then take whatever constructive criticism comes your way. In the mean time, those things you suggest are still good practice for the both of you. Just don't expect them to fix it.

-seahorse




dg31 said:


> Problem is (In my opinion) time is all she said she can give. She is making no conscious effort to be intimate even with baby steps. Her thing is that her actions are dictated by feelings (I get that to a certain extent) that they are not there yet, that it needs to come naturally and on its own, needs to be effortless. Im not saying in anyway we need to force sex, but I think based on the situation we are in, time we've known each, own a house together, etc... that she needs to make some kind of conscious effort. Is it wrong for me to expect her to give simple kisses, saying good night, before leaving for work, coming home, etc, saying I love you, small things like that to help impact her feelings?? Is she right in only given her time??


----------

