# My Husband works to much, our DIVORCE coming...



## TashaB (Dec 30, 2011)

My husband works too much and if he doesn't stop were going to get a divorce. I love him very much but I cant keep living this way. I feel lonely all the time even when I'm married. We've been going through MC for a while now but he still works til really late at night. 

I moved out last week and he'll be home Thursday. Please help.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

What does your H say about a pending divorce due to his working?


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Why is he working so much?
Do you work?
How will your lives/family be impacted by him working less?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TashaB (Dec 30, 2011)

Cherry said:


> What does your H say about a pending divorce due to his working?


He says he has to. He's obsessed with getting a promotion though he's in a really good position in his job. 



tacoma said:


> Why is he working so much?
> Do you work?
> How will your lives/family be impacted by him working less?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes I work. We both work full time. We don't have kids yet. I want kids but he works to much. He doesn't have the time to spend with me because he takes all the over-time he can get. We would be fine financially if he just commited to only working 40 hours instead of more.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Don't know if you could help him understand this. 

What does he really want? 

A successful career or a successful life? 

A successful life doesn't necessarily mean a successful career and a lot of money. 

People who are ambitious and successful in their career usually don't have a good life. On the contrary, their life is worse than those people who are not ambitious or high on the corporate ladder. In order to get ahead of others, people who are ambitious usually have to work long hours, they sacrifice their time with their family and friends. People who are ambitious are usually under a lot of stress. More people you have to deal with, more stress you are going to have. So in the end, they have a lot of money, but they don't have a good life. 

Money isn't happiness. When you have a lot of money, money is only a number. You have to look for happiness somewhere else. Spending time with family and friends, seeking spiritual fulfillment, and etc.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

TashaB said:


> He says he has to. He's obsessed with getting a promotion though he's in a really good position in his job.
> 
> 
> 
> Yes I work. We both work full time. We don't have kids yet. I want kids but he works to much. He doesn't have the time to spend with me because he takes all the over-time he can get. We would be fine financially if he just commited to only working 40 hours instead of more.


We had this problem for a little while, but it was a catch 22 for us. We never had money, so any overtime my H could get, he was there. It continued even after we stabilized our finances, in part because his employer became accustomed to my H working so much, he became the go to guy for everything. 

I'm assuming this has been addressed in your MC sessions... Or at least beginning to get addressed. If on 40 hours, financially you can do it, I think this needs to be reiterated in counseling... and your H needs to understand the impact this is having. He needs to focus on balancing a marriage/family life and work. It can be done 

My H and I eventually split, in part due to his long hours and not being able to connect as a result. And the kicker is my H also ended up getting fired from that job, even though he put in the most hours of any employee there... It didn't pay off in the end... He has settled into a solid 40 hour a week job, with little overtime now and our family life has improved. And a side note, he's making as much, if not more, with the stable hours. Win win for all.

Good luck!


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

So he's working his ass off for you and your family and you want a divorce. Nice.

My husband works 5 days a week, 12 hours a day. With commute, he's gone from 6am to 8pm. It's a lot. but he works for us and it pays his share of the bills. I'd never divorce him for that, EVEN THOUGH it gets lonely and overwhelming sometimes with the kids and the house. We've found a good groove though.

We text throughout the day, we hang out when he gets home.

What are your husband's hours? Why won't he spend time with you?

Men identify themselves with their careers and jobs.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Cherry said:


> My H and I eventually split, in part due to his long hours and not being able to connect as a result. And the kicker is my H also ended up getting fired from that job, even though he put in the most hours of any employee there... It didn't pay off in the end... He has settled into a solid 40 hour a week job, with little overtime now and our family life has improved. And a side note, he's making as much, if not more, with the stable hours. Win win for all.
> 
> Good luck!


The problem is that this is not the norm. Getting a 40 hr a week job that pays more than the one that you worked 50+ a week is very rare.

Also recognize that in the current economy, your husband may feel he does not have a choice. If he is not striving for the promotion, he may be looked down upon as an employee that is not needed (or at least he feels that way). So while he mentions the promotion, in the back of his mind he is likely concerned about keeping the job.

Finally, a lot of men want to provide for their family. Success in their job is a way to do that. Be careful that in getting him to step back, you don't end up taking away an important part of who he is.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Yea, I feel like the OP is whiny and although I understand why she feels that way...I think divorce is not the answer.

I used to throw HUGE FITS about Hubs' schedule. He was working his ass off for us and I'd throw the guilt trip on him.  SHAMEFUL!

He left me and that was a big reason why. After one of our talks, he said, "Don't you know I work for you!?"  Awww  I told him how I felt (lonely, sad, overwhelmed) and we both picked up the slack.

I just think he doesn't need your pressure when he's trying to do his best and make you proud.

THere's NO WAY my hubs could earn the same working 40 hours as he does working 60. Just wouldn't happen.

He's tired and I get that...so I do most of the housework (I'm a teacher, home by 3:30) and try to help him relax.

For better or worse...


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## TashaB (Dec 30, 2011)

Cherry said:


> We had this problem for a little while, but it was a catch 22 for us. We never had money, so any overtime my H could get, he was there. It continued even after we stabilized our finances, in part because his employer became accustomed to my H working so much, he became the go to guy for everything.
> 
> I'm assuming this has been addressed in your MC sessions... Or at least beginning to get addressed. If on 40 hours, financially you can do it, I think this needs to be reiterated in counseling... and your H needs to understand the impact this is having. He needs to focus on balancing a marriage/family life and work. It can be done
> 
> ...



Yes it's being addressed in MC and he still works long hours. 




that_girl said:


> So he's working his ass off for you and your family and you want a divorce. Nice.
> 
> My husband works 5 days a week, 12 hours a day. With commute, he's gone from 6am to 8pm. It's a lot. but he works for us and it pays his share of the bills. I'd never divorce him for that, EVEN THOUGH it gets lonely and overwhelming sometimes with the kids and the house. We've found a good groove though.
> 
> ...



We don't have any kids. And I would rather spend the time with him than have him work so often. He works six days a week. During those six days I only see him for a quick minute before he heads in to work. 

As for him spending time with me, he's obsessed with getting ahead in his career. 

This is very serious for me. I've had a one time PA over this. Though I don't blame him, it was my choice and a bad one. I don't want to live like this, spend my life waiting for him.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

What is he paying for that he feels he has to work so much?

I understand not wanting to wait around your whole life, but something is in his head that he has to work.

My husband told me, during one of our heart to hearts, that when he's not working a lot or making a lot of money, he feels like a failure  It's just in his head ...he said he's felt that way since childhood.

What is MC addressing? Are you understanding WHY he feels the need to work so much? Do you question his fidelity? You say you cheated, does he know this? If so, maybe he works to hide and forget...


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

TashaB said:


> Yes it's being addressed in MC and he still works long hours.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


After I had a stroke, my H put in 68 hours the following week at his job. We have little one's to tend to as well. He claimed they needed him at work and after my begging, pleading, anything to get him to be home more to help out and spend time with me and the kids, it came out that he was actually asking for the OT  Talk about a slap in the face. 

My H is by all accounts a workaholic, and once he got this other job, he still needed things to "work" on, to feel like he was doing more than watching the kids or cleaning house. He has a large shed out back that he tinkers in now. He's found things to make, do, etc... Around the homestead. It works for us. 

I don't think my H ever stopped to think about what we need as a family too. It's great that we have H's that love to work, but that need to connect is still there... And I don't think my H ever realized how important it was.... And yes, it can lead to other things when they are gone so much unfortunately, especially if you've pointed out where it might be headed. My H works with his hands, often times in places with little to poor reception, so even talking on the phone, texting, etc... those things can't always happen.

It can cause a serious strain. He still works OT occasionally (in fact he just got 60 hours two weeks ago), but it's not an every week occurrence anymore and he get's a heads up now if something big is coming that needs to get done. It's helpful all the way around.


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## MightyMoose (Mar 16, 2012)

Tasha...

There was a time when I was a bit like your husband. Not so much obsessed by getting a promotion, but determined to build a body of experience that would afford me a solid standard of living. I do not have a college degree, and had to work my way up through the ranks based simply on my willingness and ability to learn. I am in my late 30's now, and I have achieved that level of success. But I have also gotten to the next level and seen the cut-throat corporate culture that puts profit above EVERYTHING. There is no loyalty at that level of business anymore, and the most "successful" businesspeople are willing to throw others under the bus without remorse, if it promises to further their own careers. 

There is, however, loyalty at home if your husband is willing to recognize it. When those corporate types have used him up and spit him out, who would be the one to support him and help him towards the next chapter in his life? You. But not if he keeps walking his current path.

What I would be most concerned about is what he is really pursuing. How high on the ladder is he? Is it power? Is it money? Some people find their professional satisfaction in being the "go-to guy" and gobbling up as much control as they can because it makes them feel important or indispensable. If that is the case, it will ironically lead to his demise because he simply cannot do it all by himself, no matter how many hours he works. But he will still shoulder the blame when the hammer drops. Maybe that's what ultimately happened with Cherry's husband? He was working the longest hours because he was able to corral all that responsibility to himself, but later was unable to manage it all. Not saying that is definitely what happened, but I've seen it SO many times...

So these days, I honestly give less than a damn about money. I seek to keep my job secure, earn enough money to maintain my standard of living, and that's about it. I think your husband needs to be a bit more defensive when dealing with his employer, because he is currently throwing away his relationship with you to satisfy his boss's whims. And if you leave, he will eventually end up unfulfilled when he looks back on what he gave up and who he gave it up for.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

MightyMoose said:


> Maybe that's what ultimately happened with Cherry's husband?


It was a pay scale dispute... He wasn't getting paid what the govt told his employer to pay for that job. It was gonna get ugly (past jobs were going to come up to the labor force). 

My point was he worked extremely hard for that company for many years and could do anything that was asked. It boiled down to money for his employer, it wasn't a lot either... So yep, the mighty dollar trumped the dedication of my H to that employer in the end.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

So, Tasha...is your "best friend" from your other posts waiting for you?


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

F-102 said:


> So, Tasha...is your "best friend" from your other posts waiting for you?


I remembered that thread after you wrote this. It certainly sounds like Tasha has a lot more issues in her marriage than her husband working too late. Her infidelity could be a problem I think. Dunno.

OP, this link may help your husband understand the issues with his work hours but honestly it sounds like you have a lot more important issues to deal with.

Married Man Sex Life: Captain and Bored Passenger


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Make sure you really will be fine if he works substantially less hours, or that you can stand the lifestyle hit.

I've seen many times where one spouse simply is out of touch with how much it costs to run a household, particularly those small day-to-day expenditures for conveniences that no one wants to give up.

Some people don't get that there is much more to running a household than covering a mortgage and car payments.


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## MiriRose (Mar 12, 2012)

Hi TashaB, 

Sorry you're feeling so lonely in your marriage. I can tell you're really hurting and I'm sorry you feel like you need to consider divorce. I work with Focus on the Family, and we hear from a lot of families that are impacted by a workaholic husband. I hope you'll check out a Q & A from their site that addresses this topic.

Hope things improve for you soon!


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