# I got dumped after I told her I'm divorced!



## nyreisavant

So I've had an absolutely amazing 5 months with her (we'll call her J) while casually dating. And casual just happened to develop into us mutually not wanting to see other people. Just the other day, she called to ask me to meet her for an afternoon coffee after a long week and she pretty unceremoniously handed me a bag of my stuff. And she said with tears in her eyes that she had nothing but wonderful memories of our time together. And of course it was the middle of a work day, so our conversation was limited and she was in a rush to go back to work.

So here are some facts. I told her that I was divorced about 3 months after meeting her. She was quite distraught, as she should be, but came around after a week or so and had a conversation with me about it and seemed to come to terms that it was a part of who I am. We continued to have a wonderful time together and I felt as if there was a real connection there. 

And then about a month after I told her, her mother called from halfway around the world to tell her that her father is leaving. And she was pretty devastated. I could tell that she was weighed down by quite a bit. To shed light on this, her family is quite traditional and divorce is severely frowned upon in the society. So much so that her parents wont divorce until J and her brother have married. I believe that because of her connection with her mother, she fears my divorced status will make her mother think less of me. 

And we continued to date, and we had a wonderful time. And even up until the last time we saw each other on a date, we made out like a pair of high school kids. And pretty suddenly, she shut down. The calls slowed down, and suddenly her schedule picked up. And then she calls to arrange that break up meeting. 

Now I'm not sure if this is really it, as her exact words were "I can't see you like this anymore" But it was followed up with I need some time to clear my head, and hopefully I will have a chance during this thanksgiving break (when she will be spending 3 weeks travelling to see her family overseas) I called her again to see if we could have an actual conversation over wine about this, but she refused and instead spoke on the phone. And she mentioned things like "you're so good to me, I feel like I can't reciprocate" and "i need time to think" and "even my friends say that I don't seem like myself around you" and you know, it all sounds like one giant cop-out.

So.....I've been divorced for a while now, and I've seen a ton of women romantically. And its all been good. But J was phenomenal. I could tell that she was more complex than the rest of the pack so I took it slow, and she slowly started to peel back her guard. And I feel like there are so many layers I have not yet discovered, but there was definitely a connection between two people. She and I are definitely not ready to commit to a truly serious relationship, but I feel as if this could be so much more than what it is now.

I'm going to give her some space as she will be leaving town next week for almost a month, but I am actually truly hoping that she comes around when she comes back.


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## Gonnabealright

"If you love someone set them free, if they come back it was meant to be" I'm not sure who said that but it deffinately fits your situation. Good luck in your new romanace.


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## Jellybeans

nyreisavant said:


> So much so that her parents wont divorce until J and her brother have married. I believe that because of her connection with her mother, she fears my divorced status will make her mother think less of me.


If she refuses to date you based on what her mother thinks, they this isn't the chick for you. Trust me.

Also, those are your thoughts, not hers.



nyreisavant said:


> . And pretty suddenly, she shut down. The calls slowed down, and suddenly her schedule picked up. And then she calls to arrange that break up meeting.
> 
> Now I'm not sure if this is really it, as her exact words were "I can't see you like this anymore" But it was followed up with I need some time to clear my head, and hopefully I will have a chance during this thanksgiving break (when she will be spending 3 weeks travelling to see her family overseas) I called her again to see if we could have an actual conversation over wine about this, but she refused and instead spoke on the phone. And she mentioned things like "you're so good to me, I feel like I can't reciprocate" and "i need time to think" and "even my friends say that I don't seem like myself around you" and you know, *it all sounds like one giant cop-out*.


That's because it is. 

Look, as a woman, I am going to tell you straight up, move on. She is stringing you along with the "I need time" or "I hope I will have time to think about it over break." 

The bottom line is that if she wanted to be with you, she would be.

She said she "can't see you like this?" Like how? What does that mean?

I don't really understand why you waited 3 months to tell her you are divorced. That seems extremely bizarre to me unless you'd only hung out a handful of times, 3 or 4 times but it seems like you were hanging consistently.

I wouldn't hold out for her. Or hope. Because again, if she was into you, she would be with you, whether you are divorced or not. And do you really want to be with someone who doesn't accept you as you are? Nope.


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## ne9907

Divorce is just a change in our lives, it did not happen because we are defective or a failure.

This woman sounds like she is in deep turmoil, a certain person who values other's opinions more than her own. If this is what you like then go ahead and wait for her.

Only you know what you want and will do.

There is nothing wrong with being divorce. Good luck to you


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## Jellybeans

ne9907 said:


> This woman sounds like she is in deep turmoil, a certain person who values other's opinions more than her own. If this is what you like then go ahead and wait for her.


But remember -- he ONLY thinks that is why she won't date him. She never actually told him that was the reason why (1. that he is divorced or 2. because of her mom's husband leaving her). he is projecting WHY he thinks she dumped him; it wasn't something she actually said to him...


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## thunderstruck

nyreisavant said:


> To shed light on this, her family is quite traditional and divorce is severely frowned upon in the society.


If this is her culture, and she still buys into it, you can't compete with that. Even if you guys could get past it, she'd probably catch hell from her family on an ongoing basis.

NEXT.


Jellybeans said:


> But remember -- he ONLY thinks that is why she won't date him. She never actually told him that was the reason why


True. Still, I'd move on the millions of other available women out there vs. waiting for this one to come around.


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## Jellybeans

thunderstruck said:


> If this is her culture, and she still buys into it, you can't compete with that. Even if you guys could get past it, she'd probably catch hell from her family on an ongoing basis.
> 
> NEXT.
> 
> True. Still, *I'd move on the millions of other available women out there vs. waiting for this one to come around*.


Absolutely!


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## norajane

There are men who won't date or will dump women because they've had "too many" sexual partners in their past or they aren't virgins. There are men and women who won't date people who already have children. There are men and women who won't date people who don't already have children. 

And there are men and women who won't date divorced people. Everyone has their deal-breakers, and it looks like this woman's deal breaker is divorce. It is what it is. Lots of other people out there don't have issues with divorce, so best to find them instead.


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## Jellybeans

norajane said:


> There are men who won't date or will dump women because they've had "too many" sexual partners in their past or they aren't virgins. There are men and women who won't date people who already have children. There are men and women who won't date people who don't already have children.
> 
> And there are men and women who won't date divorced people. Everyone has their deal-breakers, and it looks like this woman's deal breaker is divorce. It is what it is. Lots of other people out there don't have issues with divorce, so best to find them instead.


But again, she has never actually said that is the reason she doesn't want to date him anymore. He only THINKS that is the reason why. 

Nonetheless, you are right about everything you posted. LOL.


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## norajane

Jellybeans said:


> But again, she has never actually said that is the reason she doesn't want to date him anymore. He only THINKS that is the reason why.
> 
> Nonetheless, you are right about everything you posted. LOL.


True enough. I'm of the belief that if someone dumps you, it really doesn't matter why. If they truly wanted to be with you, they would.


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## Jellybeans

norajane said:


> True enough. I'm of the belief that if someone dumps you, it really doesn't matter why. If they truly wanted to be with you, they would.


Preach, sista! :iagree:


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## 5Creed

She is sending you a message loud and clear-respect what she is telling you and move on to someone who wants to be with you~


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## nyreisavant

Jellybeans said:


> If she refuses to date you based on what her mother thinks, they this isn't the chick for you. Trust me.
> 
> Also, those are your thoughts, not hers.
> 
> 
> 
> That's because it is.
> 
> Look, as a woman, I am going to tell you straight up, move on. She is stringing you along with the "I need time" or "I hope I will have time to think about it over break."
> 
> The bottom line is that if she wanted to be with you, she would be.
> 
> She said she "can't see you like this?" Like how? What does that mean?
> 
> I don't really understand why you waited 3 months to tell her you are divorced. That seems extremely bizarre to me unless you'd only hung out a handful of times, 3 or 4 times but it seems like you were hanging consistently.
> 
> Well for almost 6 weeks I was flying in and out of town for work. So its as if the time wasn't as long as the actual number of days. We'd seen each other pretty consistently before and after though.
> 
> I wouldn't hold out for her. Or hope. Because again, if she was into you, she would be with you, whether you are divorced or not. And do you really want to be with someone who doesn't accept you as you are? Nope.


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## nyreisavant

Well she's 27 and still young. I'm 32 and still energetic. I'm definitely not moping around, and there are tons of women in New York that I've seen since then, but I am totally befuddled. And yes I am projecting what I believe she is thinking, but over our last week she shut down. 

And actually I didn't set out for any type of seriousness but it sort of landed in my lap and it worked well for a while.






MissFroggie said:


> I don't understand why you didn't mention you were divorced sooner, it seems like a long time to be dating someone without telling them that. I also don't understand why she hadn't asked if it is one of her deal-breakers. I don't quite get it. Anyway, maybe she would not have got involved if she had known sooner and she maybe only continued because she was already emotionally involved. She could be confused about it and dealing with the possibility of her parent's getting divorced. Could it be that she is wanting to speak to her parents about you when she is away? I don't know hon, I really think you need to insist that you meet to talk before she goes away so you can at least try to get some answers and see what the score is. If she refuses to do this, walk away. How old is she? She sounds young?


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## Jellybeans

Sorry to hear she's shut down, Nyreis. My advice is to simply move on from her. 

It sucks, especially when you like someone, when their feelings change but she has just given you a gift eventhough you can't see it now.

She has freed you to be with someone else.


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## PBear

I just get the sense that you withheld the "divorced" info from her because you knew/suspected it would be an issue, and now you're acting surprised it was. Dating is a time to determine compatibility. The two of you aren't compatible. Move on. And next time, be honest up front, and don't waste months of time for both of you. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nyreisavant

Yea the divorce isn't something I air out there often and I don't really talk about past relationships. I feel as if she is who she is because of her past, but I don't need to psychoanalyze that. But if its not something I just lay on from the get go, I find that its not something that naturally occurs in a conversation.

But I've had better luck with bringing it up with others and the general consensus in this tiny city is "who ISN'T divorced?"

Although its only been a short time and it was great, I'm not totally torn. However, I am still incredibly curious to find out what goes on in that head.





PBear said:


> I just get the sense that you withheld the "divorced" info from her because you knew/suspected it would be an issue, and now you're acting surprised it was. Dating is a time to determine compatibility. The two of you aren't compatible. Move on. And next time, be honest up front, and don't waste months of time for both of you.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans

nyreisavant said:


> Yea the divorce isn't something I air out there often and I don't really talk about past relationships. But if its not something I just lay on from the get go, I find that its not something that naturally occurs in a conversation.


True. But by 3 months in, I would think this would have been discussed. Seems like you were almost hiding the fact. 



nyreisavant said:


> But I've had better luck with bringing it up with others and the general consensus in this tiny city is "who ISN'T divorced?"


LOL. Right?! :rofl:


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## badcompany

Who knows what is going on in her head but it sounds like she was just looking for an excuse and didn't want to tell you the truth.


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## Jellybeans

True. Plus, like Nora said (I think it was Nora), the reason matters not. The fact is: she doesn't want to be with you so move on to find someone who DOES.


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## lenzi

PBear said:


> I just get the sense that you withheld the "divorced" info from her because you knew/suspected it would be an issue, and now you're acting surprised it was.


This was going to be my post until I saw it had already been put out there.

Cmon. 3 months and you finally happen to casually mention that you're divorced. That's more than a little deceptive. You even downplay it right here on this thread even though you must know that there's something very wrong with keeping that "minor detail" contained for an exhorbitant 3 months.

Could be the fact that you kept it from her rather than the fact that you're divorced.


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## Jellybeans

Which brings up another question--when, during dating, do you bring up you are divorced?


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## lenzi

Jellybeans said:


> Which brings up another question--when, during dating, do you bring up you are divorced?


It all comes out on my first dates. Although I haven't been on any first dates in over 2 years.

I admit to sometimes using my first dates as a vent.

But shortly after I was divorced, my potential relationship partners got an earful.

For some, that was more than they wanted or expected to hear.


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## survivorwife

Jellybeans said:


> Which brings up another question--when, during dating, do you bring up you are divorced?


Seems to me that there is a point early in the dating process that one would talk about prior relationships or at least ask questions about someone's past. Would not that information be helpful (critical?) to know before being intimate together? I would think that discussion, maybe on a general level, would happen on the first or second date. All part of getting to know each other.

I may not want to know all the details about past relationships within the first 2 dates, but I would certainly want a general account just to understand whether I'm dealing with a nice guy or a player.


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## NoWhere

I don't know about you, but I'd rather not date someone that hasn't been divorced. A divorce forces people to look inside themselves and better themselves. I think it also gives people a better sense of appreciating what they have and the amount of work a relationship needs to sustain itself. 

From reading your post I don't think the breakup had anything to do with you being divorced or her mother.


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## Jellybeans

NoWhere said:


> I don't know about you, but I'd rather not date someone that hasn't been divorced.


:rofl: Hehe. I like this way of thinking.

As they say, "You haven't lived til you've been through divorce."


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## hereinthemidwest

Feelers seem to act more on their emotions even if they are temporary. Maybe she's a THINKER that takes time to look at the situation ect.

I seen a guy aprox 9 months...thinking back and forth IS THIS WHAT I WANT...then I thought..WAKE UP KIM, HELL NO! 

Either way...be with someone WHO WANTS YOU.


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## nyreisavant

Actually, I didn't casually announce the fact, I actually spent some time and went through the conversation with her. And then another one about a week after that. And they were pretty intense explanations about the things that she wouldn't necessarily have thought to ask.

But its Holiday season and there are plenty of options out there! Single is actually more fun than being married was. 







survivorwife said:


> Seems to me that there is a point early in the dating process that one would talk about prior relationships or at least ask questions about someone's past. Would not that information be helpful (critical?) to know before being intimate together? I would think that discussion, maybe on a general level, would happen on the first or second date. All part of getting to know each other.
> 
> I may not want to know all the details about past relationships within the first 2 dates, but I would certainly want a general account just to understand whether I'm dealing with a nice guy or a player.


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