# What to do?



## Clash (Feb 24, 2012)

Ok, I'm not really sure how to start this, as I've never done anything like this before. I was hoping that I never would have to. Here goes:

My wife and I have been married for nearly six years now. We were both young when we took the plunge- I was 22 and she was 18. We met at church, and grew very fond of each other. The reason we married so young is because her parents were super strict, and wouldn't even allow her to date anyone. Sometimes, they didn't even let her go to church, because they knew that she would want to sit next to me. They were pretty mean to her, so she wanted to get out of the house. I popped the question on her 18th birthday, and we were married 10 months later.

Our relationship has always been very good. We hardly ever fight, and share many common interests. The time that we spend alone together has always been great. Two years ago, she got a promotion at work, but that meant she had to change locations. A couple of months after she got her new job, we had some friends over at the house and were drinking. She asked me to go upstairs and get her phone for her, so I did. When I picked it up, it showed a new text message from a guy whose name I didn't recognize, so out of curiosity, I read the message. Much to my surprise, there was a series of very sexual messages between her and that guy. He isn't from around here. He lives a state away, but he works for the same company and had come to help out at my wife's location a week or so before I found the text messages. She had been planning a trip with a friend for a couple of weeks to go to the city that he lives in. I knew about the trip, but obviously had no idea that she was planning to see him when she went. Well, included in the texts that I found was one that read "Are you still going to f*** me when I come to [his city]?"

I was devastated by all that I was reading, and was in a state of shock and disbelief. I didn't say anything to her that night, but I confronted her about it the next day. She apologized, and said that she just liked the attention and compliments from another guy, but said that she would stop texting him. Overall, she wasn't really as apologetic as I had hoped, but I accepted her apology. I asked her if there were things that I needed to change, and she said "no" and that I was "the perfect husband" for her. I have always felt like I've tried to be good to her. I had difficulty not thinking about those texts every day. It still hurt, but I forgave her, and moved on. She got promoted again, and started having to travel to a different store in the region for a week, every other month or so. She loves her job, and was very excited about the opportunities, and again, I supported her 100%, was happy, and she had regained my trust completely.

Fast forward to 2 weeks before Christmas 2011. We were cooking breakfast at home, and I saw a text pop up on her phone, which was on the counter. It was a guy that used to go to our church and was close to her family. Someone that I know used to have a thing for her. Someone that definitely shouldn't have been texting her. We'll call him guy #2. She didn't know that I saw the text alert. We went out to eat with a couple of friends that night, and I saw his name pop up again. She was sitting there, texting him, instead of talking with me and our friends. The next day, I asked her why she's been texting him so much. She said that he got her number off her Facebook profile, and that they were just catching up. She said that she would stop. The next day, she was still doing an awful lot of texting, so I decided to investigate. I got on att.com, and saw about 2000 texts exchanged between my wife and another person over a two week span. I knew in my gut that it was him. I asked her if it was, and she confessed. I asked her to stop texting him, and brought up the situation from 2 years earlier, and that she should be more considerate of my feelings, becuase I was thinking the worst. She assured me that they were just talking as friends, but that she would stop, and that she didn't want to do anything to hurt me. She said that I was a better husband to her than she was a wife to me.

I still couldn't get past my gut feeling that something just wasn't right, so I logged in to her Facebook profile. Well, that's when my heart was shattered. I found out that they had met up for lunch, then slept together on multiple occasions. I was crushed more than words can express. And not only did I find this out, but also in the FB messages, she told him she had a one-night stand with guy #1 (remember him?) when she was on one of her work trips. So, not only did I discover that my wife was cheating, but had already done it once before while she was out of town (and I was at home, nursing a broken leg, by the way)! I just stayed in the bed and cried all day after reading the Facebook messages. I was angry, upset, hurt....destroyed. She was at work. I texted her that I was packing my s***. She begged me to stay. She said that she would delete her FB, and completely cut off all contact with those guys. I didn't want to leave her right at Christmas, so I decided to stay while I sorted out my feelings.

Two months later, I'm still torn. I've loved this woman for a long time, but she betrayed me in the worst possible way...and not just once. My head says to leave. I feel like the woman who never leaves the abusive husband.

I'm trying to think of anything that I left out: we don't have any kids. I work a M-F job. She's in retail management, so her hours are always crazy. Our schedules don't really mesh terrifically, so our sex life isn't as good as it could be. She is tired all of the time.

I carry all of this hurt in my heart every day. I think about her with those guys constantly. It's hard to be intimate anymore.

I can't help but think that us being so young when we got married had a lot to do with her cheating on me. She says it doesn't, but how could it not? Neither of us were ever really single adults.

It's the ol' "head vs. heart" thing. I love her very much, but I'm not sure I'll ever be able to get past this.

Any advice? There are probably details that I left out, but feel free to ask me anything. Thanks in advance for your responses.

By the way, I picked my username because of "Should I stay or should I go?" Nice, huh?


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

*Your healing takes precedence over the marriage*. Can you heal while being married to her? I couldn't so I chose to divorce my ex-wife - one of the most painful decisions of my life considering that she was extremely remorseful for betraying me. You may be different and can do it. If you choose to stay married to her, you may be looking at a time frame of anywhere from 2 to 5 years before you can finally recover. Can you do this?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

to start- read the newbie link in my signature


your wife has cheated twice so far all within 6 years of marriage and that's what you know of

she's demonstrating a pattern of being a serial cheater- 

what has she done to show remorse?


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## Clash (Feb 24, 2012)

Thanks for the reply, morituri. I'm not sure that I can. I look at her, and it's like she's fine now. I told her that I wanted to work it out, but that was really because we're in a house that we're having trouble selling, and I just wanted to ease the tension some.


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## babypanda (Feb 16, 2012)

From one who's going through this now I can tell you that you should figure out what type of affair it was.

There's a good resource out there 

Infidelity Healing: How to stop the Affair | Break Free from the Affair

It would help you a ton I think to get that program I have it and the first thing to consider is it worth it to reconcile or just toss it?

That's a call YOU have to make, but if you could identify why she did what she did he rates the odds you have of beating the thing and that could help you decide if it's worth it or not.

I think the desirability affair is the easiest one to beat, I know someone who had one of those, those are often times one off deals and realtively easy to heal from.

There are some that are just nearly hopeless like climbing MT Everest without guides.

Each one is different and everyone's situation is different.


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## Clash (Feb 24, 2012)

Almostrecovered,

Thanks for the reply. She offered to quit traveling for work, but I think it's just lip service. I know that's not what she really wants, and would probably resent me for it, which wouldn't help the marriage, either.


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

> Our schedules don't really mesh terrifically, so our sex life isn't as good as it could be. She is tired all of the time.


She's clearly not tired enough to avoid hunting for some strange. It's not your schedules that are the problem here.


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## Clash (Feb 24, 2012)

snap said:


> She's clearly not tired enough to avoid hunting for some strange. It's not your schedules that are the problem here.


That's a good point. It was pretty devastating to read the messages between the two of them. "I'm in the shower. Come over when you're ready." "Be there soon! "

All while I'm at work...


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## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

My DDay was 12/18/11....I so understand what you mean about not wanting to screw up Xmas.

Whether you stay or go is a question only you can answer. There are things you can do to help make sure any attempt at R will have a greater chance of success.

Is she remorseful?

Is she still in contact with the OM?

Do you have access to all of her passwords and such? Is she now transparent.

I cannot tell you how sorry I am for your pain but know you are not alone...not even close.

(Love the Clash btw!)


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Clash

A few things that you need to do for yourself. You need to see a doctor and get checked for STD's even if she has told you the sex was protected remember she lied about everything else so why would she tell you the truth. Regardless if you are going to R or D. Confront the OM's spouses and or girlfriends and family. Blow it up. Do not back down and do not tell your wife about it until it is done. She we beg plead and threaten you. So keep it to your self and the sooner the better. like today and now.

If you want to R with your wife get her to write a no contact letter to both of these guys and you send it today! She is to give you all email accounts and passwords right now. No debate.

You also need to get into MC as quick as you can. You are going to be hurt and then angry, trust me you are going to need help.

If you want to D, tell her to pack the bags and get out now. I am sorry you are going through this. I am as well with a wife of 29 years. I would think long and hard about trying to R since this has happened not with one but two guys.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

if it's just lip service then your marriage is going to fail anyways

I suggest you at least see a lawyer to know your options


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Clash,
Your heart and head are clashing over this. No doubt. She is a serial cheater and you need to have relook.
She has no respect for you. You asked her to stop texting with #1. She had a one night stand. With #2, no need to state.
Relook. Look.
How do you know she wont cheat on you in future?
Take care, take stock.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Your wife is an unrepentant serial cheater. She will not change no matter how many times you forgive her or sweep her horrible actions under the rug. Listen to me and the other BSs on this board. This woman is toxic and she will make your life miserable. Look at wher your trust in her has gotten you. 

My god you need to come out of the fog. Pack her bags for her, aske her to leave, call and tell her family what she did, and if BF #1 and #2 have wives then you need to track them
down and tell them what their husbands are doing. You owe it to them if they do not know.



Get rid of this diseased woman and go live a good life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

basically what have is a woman who used you to escape her strict family (whom she wants to rebel against obviously), was too young to be married and wants to experience the wild single life she never got to experience.


You're being used


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Yes, AR, she was brought up in a conservative tight background. How did he not know in the initial stages of marriage of her nature?
OP knows only two cases. There could be more numbers, who knows?


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

She's a serial cheater. Her remorse is really an act to keep you around while she is more careful about hiding things from you in the future. Can your marriage be fixed? I'd give it a 0.1% chance, at the most. It's possible, but unlikely that she will change. Read the link in Almost Recovered's sig. I also recommend buying the book from HERE.


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## Clash (Feb 24, 2012)

I really appreciate everyone's advice, as I know that everyone on this site has probably experienced a similar situation. These have been the hardest 2 months of my life.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Sorry Clash. Most of us have undergone what you are going through. Hard. But you can and will come out of this. Stay strong. See your doctor as AlmostRecovered said.
Many in this forum will suggest (1) expose her to her affair partner, (2) test yourself for STD, (3) separate your finances etc.
Foremost is take care of yourself. Turmoil. Stay strong. We are with you.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Clash if you have not done so expose this to everyone. Your family, her family, friends, co-workers, church, etc. The OM's families.


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## Clash (Feb 24, 2012)

SprucHub said:


> For a different perspective - I have not gone through this and am more prone to suggest working through problems. But I agree with the commentariat. Your wife is not remorseful - remorseful people confess on their own, not after their crime is discovered and there is no way to deny. Sounds like she is immature and not ready for marriage. What if she gets pregnant? Have you gotten yourself tested for stds?
> 
> Good luck!


Yeah, that's been the hardest thing. I had to find out every instance on my own. The sexting, and both instances of physical cheating were discovered by me, not by her admitting anything. She says it's because she didn't know how to tell me, and that she hated to see me hurt. But, I say, she put our entire marriage in jeopardy, so obviously, not hurting me wasn't priority #1.

No, I haven't gotten tested for STDs. That's something that I definitely need to do after reading all of the comments, instead of trusting that she didn't also lie about using protection.

Thanks.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

screwyou said:


> you already know that she is a bitcch .. and she is the daughter of whoore. just divorce her. tell her that she is a bitcch and her mother is a whoore. you must not marry this kind of person. cheating wife is bitcch (worse than it)



uhhhh...wat?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Clash said:


> Yeah, that's been the hardest thing. I had to find out every instance on my own. The sexting, and both instances of physical cheating were discovered by me, not by her admitting anything. She says it's because she didn't know how to tell me, and that she hated to see me hurt. But, I say, she put our entire marriage in jeopardy, so obviously, not hurting me wasn't priority #1.
> 
> No, I haven't gotten tested for STDs. That's something that I definitely need to do after reading all of the comments, instead of trusting that she didn't also lie about using protection.
> 
> Thanks.



good old trickle truth- she's only copping to what you have discovered- another very bad sign she is not remorseful nor will change


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

screwyou said:


> you already know that she is a bitcch .. and she is the daughter of whoore. just divorce her. tell her that she is a bitcch and her mother is a whoore. you must not marry this kind of person. cheating wife is bitcch (worse than it)


Mods, 

OP did not mention anything about his spouse mother. And there are derogatory comments...

Please take note.


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## Clash (Feb 24, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> good old trickle truth- she's only copping to what you have discovered- another very bad sign she is not remorseful nor will change


Yeah, my biggest fear is that I finally come to the decision to give her another chance, then I discover another instance of cheating down the road. Then, I've just wasted my time.

I know, on paper, the smartest thing to do would be to leave, because we don't have kids, and we can both start from scratch, and be single for a while.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Almostrecovered said:


> uhhhh...wat?


Dealt with.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

here's the thing


neither decision is very appealing (staying vs divorcing)


but staying only keeps you in limbo AND there's a darn good chance you'll divorce down the line


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Deejo said:


> Dealt with.


thanks, now go get the other troll in the other thread


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

Usually I'm pretty pro trying to R, as long as the WS is remorseful and willing to do the heavy lifting. But this was already her second time getting caught. Maybe now that she will face real consequences for her actions (sorry, but it sounds like her inappropriate behavior with OM#1 was rug swept), she'll change but she's also incredibly young and sounds immature.

It's been 6 years and there's no children to consider, I wouldn't be sure it's worth trying to salvage the marriage. She has a lot of growing up to do and who knows if she'll be able and/or willing to do so. Marriage only gets harder once you have children. Once you start parenting together, there's so many changes in the relationship dynamic it could send her down the slippery slope again.

Only you can make the decision as to if it's worth the effort and pain. Recovery after infidelity is not easy, the 2-5 years mentioned are not exaggerated. Good luck and take your time deciding.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

Clash said:


> Yeah, my biggest fear is that I finally come to the decision to give her another chance, then I discover another instance of cheating down the road. Then, I've just wasted my time.
> 
> I know, on paper, the smartest thing to do would be to leave, because we don't have kids, and we can both start from scratch, and be single for a while.


That is correct.

She cheated on you because she knew she could get away with it and basically has. I don't worry about my W cheating anymore because she knows if she even thought about it I would divorce her and not give it a second thought. To this day she still fears me leaving her anyway and I'm like 3 years post dday.

If you roll over for her she WILL cheat again because she feels she has control over you. When you act beta, they don't fear losing you and without that fear then they are not motivated to stop. Her morals don't match yours and she doesn't appear to have any issues with adultery so you have to get out of face more of this later.

You married too young and to the wrong person, learn from this and move forward.


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## oldmittens (Dec 2, 2011)

Given the seriousness of your wife's deception I think divorce is a completely reasonable reaction. when I discovered my ex wife's affair I divorced her and I do not regret it. But at the same time reconciliation is possible but it depends a lot on your wife. Is she remorseful, has she offered transparency, did she explain to you how/why the affair started, has she taken steps to make sure there won't be another one down the line. If she hasn't done these things and done them "enthusiastically" then odds are she's just trying to run sweep and will just do it again when the heat dies down. You also need to ask yourself are you capable of moving past this. Recovery is a two-way street and will take just as much hard work from you as it does from her. You will have to deal with years of triggers (Events that trigger a mental flashback to the affair) and mind movies (replaying the images over and over again in your head) it will not be easy, nothing about this situation is. I wish you the best of luck follow the advice on this site it will help a lot and remember this was not your fault you didn't deserve this no one does.


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## Clash (Feb 24, 2012)

oldmittens said:


> Is she remorseful, has she offered transparency, did she explain to you how/why the affair started, has she taken steps to make sure there won't be another one down the line. If she hasn't done these things and done them "enthusiastically" then odds are she's just trying to run sweep and will just do it again when the heat dies down..


She is remorseful, and has offered transparency (I know her email and Facebook passwords, and she leaves her phone unlocked). She said that she enjoyed getting compliments from the OM, and felt like she was going down a destructive path, but couldn't stop herself. I know that I didn't handle the sexting situation properly. I let her off too easy, and I think that came back to haunt me.

As far as being enthusiastic about taking steps to prevent future occurrences, it doesn't really seem like it. She said that she would delete her Facebook, quit traveling, quit Words with Friends and all of that IF I wanted her to. She has been very apologetic, but gets upset when I bring it up. It's like she expects me to move past it as fast as she can...


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

desire for rug sweeping

another bad sign


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

and I'm sorry to keep showing you what's bad, but you need to see it


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## Clash (Feb 24, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> and I'm sorry to keep showing you what's bad, but you need to see it


Dont apologize; I really appreciate it.


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## maverick77 (Feb 24, 2012)

Its over - move on. Get better with sex. Simple. Sorry no point pitying yourself. Take control, there are many gorgeous women who would like a sensible guy. She sounds like a demanding woman (sexually) and you were far too 'well behaved', she might repent or might never. Anyways, be a man and stand tall (naked).


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

uhhh...where did OP say he was bad at sex? And in no way does his sexual prowess have anything to do with her cheating.

what the hell is going on with the replies here?


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Clash said:


> She has been very apologetic, but gets upset when I bring it up. It's like she expects me to move past it as fast as she can...


RED FLAG WAVING. You must convey to her that IF you choose to stay married to her that it may take YEARS for you to recover. If she can't handle this fact, then she's only wasting both of your time and might as well call it quits. 

Chaparral has some info on the things shr must do if she's serious in working hard to regain your trust and help contribute in your personal recovery. You may also want to click on my links below to access info that can help you no matter what you decide.


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

Gets upset if you bring it up huh? Well that's something she will have to get over if you are going to work this out. Not talking about what is hurting you does not make it go away . IMO if she really wants you and your marriage then she will have to do some heavy lifting.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Clash, 

Doesn't care about the marriage. She didn't stop with guy number one even after you caught her, and easily started up and affair with number two.

You wife is an easy pickup , obviously there have been a bunch of other guys in between.

She's not interested in sex with you, because she is getting it continuously from these other men. Mshe likely still is, but she has moved off of FB and the phone you know about. She went underground.

Think about her actions and her emotions during all these years she has been actively cheating. She has done it right at the table in front of you without batting an eye lash.

You wife has zero guilt or remorse and she will stop cheating. 

Want proof, have her take a polygraph.

Leave het ASAP, let her use some other guy who will believe her. 

This isn't about being married young,it's about her being a tramp.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Oh and get an STD test immediately. She's likely been with a lot of guys and there is a very very high chance you are already infected by her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## oldmittens (Dec 2, 2011)

Clash said:


> She is remorseful, and has offered transparency (I know her email and Facebook passwords, and she leaves her phone unlocked). She said that she enjoyed getting compliments from the OM, and felt like she was going down a destructive path, but couldn't stop herself. I know that I didn't handle the sexting situation properly. I let her off too easy, and I think that came back to haunt me.
> 
> As far as being enthusiastic about taking steps to prevent future occurrences, it doesn't really seem like it. She said that she would delete her Facebook, quit traveling, quit Words with Friends and all of that IF I wanted her to. She has been very apologetic, but gets upset when I bring it up. It's like she expects me to move past it as fast as she can...



Have you exposed her affair to any one? I ask because your wife sounds like someone who would be very image-conscious especially given your christian conservative background. And I can't help but wonder if her "remorse" is more about getting caught then actually having the affair and hurting you. It all comes back to enthusiasm in my opinion. Think back to all the "positive" things she has done since D-day (discovery day) and ask yourself were these things done because of a legitimate desire to make up for the hurt and pain she's caused you. Or a fear of the shame that will come from being divorced because of an affair.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Clash said:


> She is remorseful, and has offered transparency (I know her email and Facebook passwords, and she leaves her phone unlocked). She said that she enjoyed getting compliments from the OM, and felt like she was going down a destructive path, but couldn't stop herself. I know that I didn't handle the sexting situation properly. I let her off too easy, and I think that came back to haunt me.
> 
> As far as being enthusiastic about taking steps to prevent future occurrences, it doesn't really seem like it. She said that she would delete her Facebook, quit traveling, quit Words with Friends and all of that IF I wanted her to. She has been very apologetic, but gets upset when I bring it up. It's like she expects me to move past it as fast as she can...


Her words do not mean a thing at this stage. Actions do.

*She said that she would delete her Facebook, quit traveling, quit Words with Friends and all of that IF I wanted her to. * Tell her that this is a start and just do it.

*She said that she enjoyed getting compliments from the OM, and felt like she was going down a destructive path, but couldn't stop herself. * She is telling you the why. She needs to get into IC to deal with these issues and the sooner the better.

*She has been very apologetic, but gets upset when I bring it up. It's like she expects me to move past it as fast as she can.* Typical responce. She needs to stop getting upset. It is insulting to you and disrespectful. She brought this into the marriage. She needs to do the heavy lifting. She has no right what-so-ever, none to get upset. I repeat, no right to get upset. She gave up that privilege when she cheated. She is showing partial remorse not true remorse. And of course she wants to move past it as fast as she can. But it is pure stupidy. She broke you, destroyed trust, and she wants to move past this. Do not let her control this situation.


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## Shamwow (Aug 15, 2011)

Sheesh. And so it goes again.

For my money, employers should be required to inform all employees and their spouses of the increased likelihood of affairs in traveling relationships, and to seek counseling and set boundaries before accepting such a position. In a pefect world that would be the case, but I know it's wishful thinking.

My ex traveled for work as well and used it the same way your W is.

My decision, after much evidence gathering and waffling, was to expose and DUMP HER. I'd do it again in a heartbeat.

You say she's offered to leave the road for your marriage? If you have any interest in R (which is your right to desire, but I think you know better given her history), just go ahead and CALL HER BLUFF. Just walk up to her and say, "So I've thought about what you offered. I've decided. Quit your job tomorrow. Then we'll talk."

I have a crisp benjamin that you'll see her backpedal like crazy.

Also, I'd presume she'd be terrified of her strict family knowing how their sweet little daughter has been conducting herself (unless you two have cut ties with her family)? Expose her, calmly and politely. Tell her folks you are leaving their daughter because she had "wandered" on the road and that was unacceptable to you and your vows. Even if you plan to D, this is important, because otherwise she can tell everyone anything she wants about what happened, and it will NOT be the truth. Don't go down being painted as the bad guy who "neglected her", beat her or cheated on HER, or whatever she'd come up with. Cut her off at the pass and get out.

Just thinking of your dignity and recovery here. Good luck...


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

You've been given the advice, now how are you gonna use it.

No kids, a house you could most likely walk away from or short sell if needed, still young to start over.

She grew up in a strict house, you were her way out. She's not done having her fun yet, not by a long shot my friend. Might be time to move on and away from someone who's toxic at the moment.

Maybe in 4 or 5 years when she's done spreading her legs and is ready to settle down you could get back with her again.

Seen and been with those type of girls, mom and dad never let them do anything. The minute they're out the door, it's an open house for almost anything that moves. Alot of fun to be with but not marriage material until later on down the road when they finally realize it's time to grow up.

Some of them eventually become great wives and moms but I wouldn't want to be with them when they're still aching to have their fun.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Clash said:


> She is remorseful, and has offered transparency (I know her email and Facebook passwords, and she leaves her phone unlocked). She said that she enjoyed getting compliments from the OM, and felt like she was going down a destructive path, but couldn't stop herself.


I'm sure that you would've heard exactly the same thing from her after OM # 1 if you caught her. Now, its OM #2. With OM # 3, she'll probably even be very sincere about how you deserve to yell and ask her questions. 

She'll give you exactly what you need in order for you to let it go. Only people who are genuinely remorseful don't have to be asked to find genuine ways to prove their transparency, remorse and guilt.


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## river rat (Jan 20, 2012)

I suggest that you read back among the others' posts on here to get a feel for what you're in for and how to approach this problem. You wife is rugsweeping- "Oops, my bad! No problem. Let's move on. " I lived with that for years, it nearly did me in. If I'd had the insight of some of the posters here, I'd have definitely take a different line. There is no one size fits all formula, but there does seem to be a pattern in the behavior of those committing infidelity. As a side note, even though I made all the mistakes that you read about on this site, I muddled through, and I came out in a good place for me. Take care of yourself first. I noted that you mentioned church. We are taught to love others as we love ourselves. Don't forget to love yourself.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Your wife is a serial cheater. And by her response to your questions she is not contrite. She has an air of entitlement which needs to be dealt with. Like others have said, no kids, short sale the house and flee this skank.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Whether or not she had a strict upbringing or was too immature when she married,she is no longer some innocent naif.She's soaked up enough sophistication in her travels that she knows how to put her spin on the truth.Infidelity and its aftermath are portrayed everywhere in our society.To willfully choose to hurt the person we supposedly love in this way on more than one occasion and not expect to suffer hard consequences shows a spirit of callousness that I couldn't tolerate.Don't know what your ultimate choice will be,but I hope it reflects what you truly want for the rest of your life.Wish you the best.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

hmmm, this thread is fishy.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Complexity said:


> hmmm, this thread is fishy.


Don't start that yet, because of 1 person everyone's gonna say every thread from now on is a troll post. Eventually everybody will just leave the forum because of it.

Post your replies and leave it at that, if it is a troll the mods will catch it again and ban the person and we all move on to help the next person. If you think it might be a troll post then just ignore the post.


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## Clash (Feb 24, 2012)

Halien said:


> I'm sure that you would've heard exactly the same thing from her after OM # 1 if you caught her. Now, its OM #2. With OM # 3, she'll probably even be very sincere about how you deserve to yell and ask her questions.
> 
> She'll give you exactly what you need in order for you to let it go. Only people who are genuinely remorseful don't have to be asked to find genuine ways to prove their transparency, remorse and guilt.


Yeah, I feel like a fool. It's just hard to walk away from something that I've been trying to build for years. A tough pill to swallow.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Clash said:


> Yeah, I feel like a fool. It's just hard to walk away from something that I've been trying to build for years. A tough pill to swallow.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sorry for implying that you should feel foolish. It's a personal opinion, but I think that most men in a place of betrayal will eventually reach a place where the anger and disapointment make it incredibly hard to live in peace with the betrayer. Its a delayed response for many men, coming years later. See some of the posts in the Considering Divorce section, for instance. I fear that you are still in the place where you are trying to get your arms around the betrayal, like a person who is grasping for the closest object that can keep him afloat and save him. Its only after you restore the peace that you settle down and take a look at what you have. Then the discontent sets in. People on this site will sometimes try to shake you a little bit, hoping that you will see something beyond that potentially fruitless attempt to recover something thats already broken.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Don't make any decisions until you know for sure what you want to do. Sit her down and tell her you are leaning toward divorce because you don't think she can keep herself from cheating with other men. Tell her there is no way she can be trusted on the road. You have to have total transparency and no face book. Make a list an be firm. If you decide to try and reconcile you ccan get the informtion here to be able to trust her but verify what is going on. Of course if she is on the road you may not be able to verify. OM2 was local?

Here is the wayward spouse instructions print them off and go over it with her. Do not let her know about this site. After she reads this you should know a lot more about her from her reactions.

Understanding Your Betrayed Spouse - A quick reference manual for unfaithful partners.

The Sea of Stress is Difficult to Understand.

YOU BETRAYED YOUR PARTNER. NOW COMES THE FALLOUT.

They discovered your adultery. You ended the affair and promised you’ll never cheat again. But the stress from their emotional devastation lingers. And you don’t see much change – at least, not as much positive change as you expected. Many times, any visible changes are for the worse. You observe them bouncing back and forth like a ping-pong ball, moment to moment, from one emotion to the next. They’re unpredictable. There’s no discernable pattern. Their nerves are frayed. They can’t sleep. They can’t eat. Their thoughts are obsessive. Intrusive visions and flashbacks assault them without warning. They cry at the drop of a hat. They feel empty, used up, exhausted. The stress consumes their energy and their life until they feel like there’s nothing left. It’s terrible.

It’s an ordeal for you to witness their tortured, depressed and angry states, and what’s worse; you don’t know what to do. You’re not alone. Unfaithful spouses never dream they’ll get busted, so when confronted with their adultery they’re always caught by surprise; first by their partners’ knowledge, then by their intense agony. Indeed, unfaithful partners never think about what they’ll face “after” until after. The fact is: Though they inflict it, adulterers are unprepared for the onslaught of their spouses’ overwhelming emotional distress. Is this real? Is this permanent?

As you watch them sink lower and lower, wallowing in an emotional abyss, you wonder where the bottom is, when they will hit it, and if they will ever ascend from it and return to “normal.” You ask yourself, “Is this real?” Then you ask, “Will this ever end?”

The simple answers are: Yes, it is real. And, yes, it will end. But recovery takes a long time, often years, and much depends on you. Can you be remorseful, apologetic, loving, patient, empathetic and soothing over an extended period of time? Can you commit to openness and honesty at all times – and forevermore being faithful to your spouse?

Be honest with yourself: If you can’t or don’t want to get over your affair, if you don’t feel shame and remorse, and if you can’t generously provide appropriate support to your spouse, then now is the time to consider ending your marriage and spare your marital partner further pain. (If this is the case, you need not read any further.)

But if you have put the affair permanently behind you, if you feel and can freely express your remorse and shame for your unfaithfulness, and if you can commit to supporting your spouse through their excruciating anguish, then you have an excellent chance of rebuilding from this disaster you’ve wrought to a happy, satisfying, caring and loving marriage. The following is intended to help you help your partner, and in turn yourself, through this horrible time and jumpstart your journey to recovery.

So, take a couple of deep breaths… and let’s start with three foundational facts:

What you’re seeing in your spouse is a normal reaction to a life-changing event.

Your spouse needs to grieve for as long as it takes in order to recover and heal.

You can be a positive influence on their recovery.

Now, go back and reread them several times. Let them really sink in. When you can repeat them without looking, continue.

Your first mission is to learn.

Learning about your partner’s myriad reactions to your betrayal allows you to recognize, understand and properly respond to them as they occur. Doing so will help you get through
this horrible initial stage, which can last a long time.
Below you’ll find a little of what your spouse is probably experiencing. They may shift from one reaction to another, or they could experience multiple reactions concurrently. And don’t be surprised if they return to previous states many times. Where applicable, we’ve added some tips to help you to assist your partner through this. In some cases, however, there may be little for you to do except to simply “be there.”

Most importantly, remember at all times: Your infidelity has traumatized your spouse. Act accordingly.

SECTION 1 - THE WILD PATCHWORK OF EMOTIONS

DISBELIEF: They expect to wake up any minute from this nightmare. It can’t be true. They don’t believe it. This is natural. They trusted you and don’t want to believe you did what you did. It is common for this to occur in the very first moments of discovery. (Note: If some time elapsed between the discovery of your affair and the confrontation, you may have missed this when it happened, but it is also possible for your spouse to return to disbelief.)

SHOCK: They are numb and often seem dazed. Their emotions are frozen. Their senses are dulled. They go through the motions mechanically, robotically, but can’t seem to apply sufficient concentration to their day-to-day lives.

REALITY: “Oh my God. It really happened.” They feel they’re getting worse. Actually, reality has just set in. It’s as if a ton of bricks just fell on them and they’re buried beneath them. They don’t know where to turn, or can’t. Don’t discount the likelihood that they feel shamed by your infidelity. So, they may be reluctant to seek support from friends and family. Be available to them for emotional support and encourage them to talk freely with anyone they choose. Suggest therapy as a means to help them through their trauma, but never accuse them of “being irrational” or “acting crazy.” Be supportive and encouraging. Commend them for seeking help.

CONFUSION: They’re disoriented. They can’t think straight. They become impatient, disorganized and forgetful. More frequently than usual they go to a room to retrieve something, but once they get there they can’t remember what it was. This is very upsetting to them. Bear with them. Be gentle and be helpful. Help them find their misplaced purse or locate their lost keys. Know that they will eventually come out of the fog. Also be aware that their confusion, as with other states listed here, may be set off or magnified by certain “triggers.” (Note: Read more about “triggers” below.)

PHYSICAL SYMPTOMS: They may sleep or eat too little – or too much. They may suffer physical aches and pains, numbness or weakness. They may feel unusually tense and develop headaches, abnormal tics, twitching or shaking. They may feel sick to their stomach and vomit, or their digestive system may react with constipation or diarrhea. Weight loss is common. Usually the symptoms fade gradually. If these symptoms persist, make sure they check with a doctor to rule out other causes. Encourage them to eat well and to exercise – but don’t nag. You might instead take control of their diet by preparing healthy, well balanced meals. If you don’t cook, take them to restaurants where you know they serve nourishing food and, if necessary, order for them. If they’re not exercising, initiate taking long walks together. It’s a good way to ease them into a healthy exercise regimen, which is always a good stress reliever, and will provide opportunity for you to begin constructively re-establishing your “couplehood.”

CRYING: Deep emotions suddenly well up, seeking release as crying, uncontrollable sobbing and even screaming out loud. Allow them their time for tears. They can help. So can you. When they cry, give them your shoulder. Hug them. Help them through it by gently encouraging them, to “get it all out.” Be certain to verbalize your remorse for causing their pain. They need to hear this from you. (Note: Right now, genuine, complete and repeated apologies are the best “general use” tool you have in your repair kit. That is why you’ll see many more references below. Read “Apologize” in Section 2.)

SELF-CONTROL: They control their emotions to fulfill their responsibilities, or to simply rest from the pain. Self-control can shape and give rhythm to their grieving, but be on the lookout for constant and rigid self-control. It can block healing. They need to reduce their emotional pressure to regain equilibrium. Allow them to vent when it happens. Be aware: Too much self-control means they are storing up much anger and will release it powerfully, like floodwaters breaking through a dam. So don’t be alarmed if they suddenly lash out at you, your affair partner, or even themselves. Understand that the release of anger is necessary to heal. Though it may not feel this way to you when it happens, it’s beneficial.

NEED TO KNOW: They will ask lots of questions. Their curiosity may be insatiable or it may be limited. Different people have different needs and tolerances for information, but they need information to process their trauma, move through it, and move past it.

Let them set the agenda. Whenever they ask a question, whatever they ask, answer honestly and sufficiently. Refusing to answer gives the appearance that you’re still keeping them in the dark, that you still have something to hide. Do not hold anything back. If they discover later that you omitted or hid details, or if the facts they discover don’t match the story you tell, they’ll feel betrayed once again. Follow the delivery of each new piece of hurtful information with an apology, and soothe them with another promise that you’ll never again be unfaithful.

WHY: They ask, “Why did you do this?” They may or may not expect an answer, but they ask repeatedly. If they do want an answer, provide it – and answer honestly. Even if the question is rhetorical, be aware that the question itself, rhetorical or not, is a cry of pain. And each time they feel pain, it should be answered with another apology. (I can’t stress enough how important this is.) Be aware: Even if they are not verbalizing this to you, they are still silently asking the question “Why?” over and over and over again.

INJUSTICE: They feel it’s all so unfair. You invited danger, you took the risk, but they suffered injury. They want justice and begin to think like a vigilante. They may harbour a secret desire to do harm to you or your affair partner. They may want to get even by having a “revenge affair.”
Understand that the aftermath of your unfaithfulness is an agony you have thrust upon them. Meanwhile, despite your betrayal and deceit, and the shame you feel, you and your affair partner may retain fond or even loving memories of your affair. One of my patients described her feelings of injustice this way: “I feel like a rape victim watching helplessly as the jury returns a ‘not guilty’ verdict. Then, the assailant looks at me, points his finger at me and laughs all the way out of the courtroom. How can this possibly happen?”

A sad truth of infidelity is: It is unfair. Of course, there is no “justice” that can come from this. Betrayed spouses generally settle into this realization on their own, but they need to know that you understand how this plagues them. (Note: Read “Share your feelings of guilt and shame” in Section 2. It explains the best way to help them through their sense of injustice.)

INADEQUACY: Their self esteem is shattered. They feel belittled, insignificant, and often even unlovable. Just as you would crumple a piece of scrap paper and toss it in the garbage without a second thought, they feel you crushed them, discarded them, and didn’t give them a second thought, either. So, they question their own value. They wonder if you truly love them – or if anyone could. They need to know why you now choose them over your affair partner, even if they don’t ask. Make your case convincingly. Be generous, but be genuine. They’ll know if you aren’t, and false flattery for the purpose of mere appeasement will only hurt them more.

REPEATING: Over and over again, they review the story, thinking the same thoughts. Do not attempt to stop them. Repeating helps them to absorb and process the painful reality. You can help them get through it by answering all their questions truthfully and filling in all the gaps for them. The more they know – the more they can repeat the complete story – the faster they process it, accept it and begin to heal. If the story remains incomplete or significant gaps are filled in later, they may have to start the process all over again.

IDEALIZING: Sometimes they remember only good memories, as if their time with you was perfect. They long to live in the past, before the affair came along and “messed it up.” Assure them that you, too, remember the good times, and want things to be good again. Remind them that you want an even better future, that you are willing to work at it, and, most importantly, that you want your future with them – and not your affair partner.

FRUSTRATION: Their past fulfillments are gone. They haven’t found new ones yet and don’t seem interested in finding any. They feel they’re not coping with grief “right” or they feel they should be healing faster. They don’t understand why the pain returns again and again. They wonder if they will ever recover and feel better. You can help them by verbalizing what they need to hear even if you don’t or can’t fully understand it yourself. Be empathetic and assure them that under the circumstances they’re doing okay. Remember that despite how much you have hurt them, you are still the one they chose as their life partner, for better or for worse. You may still be their closest confidante. As incongruous as it may seem, don’t be surprised if they choose to confide in you over others.

BITTERNESS: Feelings of resentment and hatred toward you and your paramour are to be expected. Don’t be surprised if they redirect much of the anger that’s really meant for you toward your paramour. This is natural. It’s actually a way of protecting their love for you during the early stages. By restricting their anger toward you, they allow it to be time-released, and only in smaller, more manageable amounts. Expect their anger to surface periodically, and give them plenty of time to work through it so they can eventually let go of it. Understand that until they’ve worked through and exhausted their anger, they cannot heal.

WAITING: The initial struggle is waning, but their zest for life has not returned. They are in limbo, they are exhausted and uncertain. Indeed, life seems flat and uninteresting. They are unenthused about socializing, perhaps reluctant, and they are unable to plan activities for themselves. Help them by finding ways to stimulate them. Plan activities for them around things that hold their interest and bring joy back into their life.

EMOTIONS IN CONFLICT: This is one of the most difficult manifestations because there is so much going on at the same time and their feelings do not always synchronize with reality. The most succinct description was provided by the late Shirley Glass, PhD: “One of the ironies of healing from infidelity is that the perpetrator must become the healer. This means that betrayed partners are vulnerable because the person they are most likely to turn to in times of trouble is precisely the source of their danger.” The inherent conflict for a betrayed spouse is obvious, but Dr. Glass also recognized how difficult this balancing act can be for a repentant adulterer: “On the other hand, [unfaithful] partners sometimes find it hard to stay engaged with their spouses when they know they are the source of such intense pain.” The key, of course, is to stay engaged nonetheless. Be supportive and remorseful, and above all… keep talking.

TRIGGERS: Particular dates, places, items and activities can bring back their pain as intensely as ever. It feels like they’re caught in a loop as they relive the trauma. It is emotionally debilitating.

Triggers can cause days and nights of depression, renew anger, and can spark and reignite nightmares, which may make them fear sleeping. Triggers can cause them to question if they will ever again experience life without the anguish. Get rid of all the reminders immediately: Gifts, letters, pictures, cards, emails, clothing… whatever your spouse associates with your affair. Do this with your spouse so they are not left wondering when those triggers may recur. Never cling to anything that bothers your partner. It leaves the impression that your keepsakes and mementos, or any reminders of your affair, are more important to you than they are.

Attend to your partner. Learn what dates, songs, places, etc., are triggers for your partner. Pay attention to your environment: If you hear or see something that you think might be a trigger, assume it is. Each occasion a trigger arises is an appropriate moment for you to communicate a clear and heartfelt message that you’re sorry you acted so selfishly and caused this recurring pain. So again, apologize and let them know how much you love them. The occurrence of a trigger is also a good opportunity to express that you choose them and not your affair partner, which is important for them to hear. If a trigger occurs in public, you can still wrap your arm around your spouse’s waist or shoulder, or simply squeeze their hand, but verbalize your apology as soon as you are alone again.

It is very important for you to understand and remember this… Triggers can remain active for their entire life. Don’t ever think or insist that enough time has passed that they should be “over it” because another sad truth of infidelity is: Your affair will remain a permanent memory for them, subject to involuntary recall at any time – even decades later. They will NEVER be “over it.” They simply learn to deal with it better as they heal, as you earn back their trust, and as you rebuild your relationship – over time.

SECTION 2 - WHAT ELSE CAN YOU DO TO EASE THEIR PAIN & RELIEVE THEIR STRESS?

Make certain you’ve killed the beast: Your affair must be over, in all respects, completely and forever. You cannot put your marriage in jeopardy ever again. Your spouse has given you a second chance that you probably don’t deserve. That may sound harsh, but think about it this way: Despite any marital problems the two of you experienced, you would certainly understand if they divorced you solely because of your adultery. So assume there will not be a third chance and behave accordingly.

This opportunity you have been bestowed is a monumental gift, particularly considering the anguish you caused them. Treat this gift, and your spouse, with care and due respect: No contact means NO CONTACT OF ANY KIND – EVER.

GET INTO THERAPY: Most attempts to heal and rebuild after infidelity will fail without the assistance of a qualified therapist. Make certain you both feel comfortable with the therapist. You must trust them and have faith in their methodology. Talk about it: If of you are uncomfortable with your therapist at any time, don’t delay – find another. And if need be, yet another. Then stick with it. Save particularly volatile topics for counselling sessions. Your therapist will provide a neutral place and safe means to discuss these subjects constructively. Every so often, think back to where you were two or three months earlier. Compare that to where you are now and determine if you’re making progress. Progress will be made slowly, not daily or even weekly, so do not perform daily or weekly evaluations. Make the comparative periods long enough to allow a “moderate-term” review rather than “short-term.” Expect setbacks or even restarts, and again… stick with it.

APOLOGIZE: Actually, that should read: “Apologize, apologize, apologize.” You cannot apologize too often, but you can apologize improperly. Apologize genuinely and fully. Betrayed spouses develop a finely calibrated “insincerity radar.” A partial or disingenuous apology will feel meaningless, condescending or even insulting, particularly during the months following discovery. Your spouse will feel better if you don’t merely say, “I’m sorry.” To a betrayed spouse that sounds and feels empty. Try to continue and complete the apology by saying everything that’s now salient to your partner: “I’m ashamed I cheated on you and I’m so very sorry. I know that my lying and deceiving you has hurt you enormously. I deeply want to earn back your trust – and I want so much for you to be able, some day, to forgive me.” As noted earlier, right now genuine, complete and repeated apologies are the best “general use” tool you have in your repair kit.

REALIZE YOUR PARTNER WANTS TO FEEL BETTER: There is so much they have to deal with – pain, anger, disappointment, confusion and despair. Their being, their world, is swirling in a black hole of negative feelings. It’s agonizing. They wish it would stop, but they feel powerless to make it go away, which worries them even more. Remember that they can’t help it: Just as they didn’t choose for this to happen, they don’t choose to feel this way. Beyond all the possible feelings described in the section above (and that list may be incomplete in your spouse’s case), even if they don’t understand them, they do recognize that changes are occurring in themselves – and they are frightened by them. As terrible as it is for you to see their ongoing nightmare, it is far worse to live in it. Periodically assure them that you know they will get better, that you are willing to do everything necessary for them to heal and to make your marriage work. Reassure them that you are with them for the duration – no matter how long it takes – and that you intend to spend the rest of your life with them.

HIDE NOTHING, OPEN EVERYTHING: While they’re greatly angered and hurt that you were emotionally and/or sexually involved with another person, they are even more devastated by your secret life, your lies and deception. They feel no trust in you right now – and they’re 100% justified. If ever there was someone in the world they felt they could trust, it was you – until now. Now, they have difficulty believing anything you say. They are driven to check up on everything. Let them. Better still, help them. Overload them with access. The era of “covering your tracks” must end and be supplanted by total and voluntary transparency.

You must dismantle and remove every vestige of secrecy. Offer your spouse the passwords to your email accounts – yes, even the secret one they still don’t know about. Let them bring in the mail. If you receive a letter, card or email from your paramour, let your spouse open it. If you receive a voice or text message on your cell phone, let them retrieve it and delete it. If your friends provided alibis for you, end those friendships. Do not change your phone bill to a less detailed version or delete your browser history. Provide your spouse with your credit card bills, bank account statements, cell phone bills and anything else you think they might wish to check. Immediately tell them if you hear from or accidentally run into your affair partner. Tell them where you are going, when you’ll be home, and be on time. If your plans change, notify them immediately.

The more willing you are to be transparent, the more honesty and openness they see and feel, the more “trust chits” you’ll earn. Replacing your previously secret life with complete openness is the fastest and most effective way to promote trust, even if it feels unfair or uncomfortable. Think of this as the “reverse image” of your affair: Your affair was about you selfishly making yourself feel good. Now, rebuilding trust is about selflessly making your partner feel safe with you – and you were certainly unfair to them. Keep in mind that eventually they will trust you again, but you must earn it and it will take time.

SPEND LOTS TIME WITH THEM: Assume that they want your company at all times. The more time you spend in their sight, the more they will feel a sense of safety, if only for that time. There may be times when you feel they’re a constant, perhaps even an annoying presence. Just remember that they need to be around you – more than ever. If they need time alone, they’ll let you know and you must respect that, too. Knowing where you are and who you are with reduces worry, but expect them to check up on you. Don’t take offence when this happens. Instead, welcome the opportunity: Think of each time – and each success – as receiving a check mark in the “Passed the Test” column. The more check marks you earn, the closer you are to being trusted again.

PHYSICAL CONTACT: They may or may not want to be sexual with you. If not, allow sufficient time for them to get comfortable with the idea of renewed intimacy and let them set the pace. But if so, don’t be discouraged if the sex is not optimum. They’re likely to be low on confidence and may feel self-conscious or inept. They may even act clumsily. This can be offset by lots of simple, soothing physical gestures such as hugging them, stroking them softly and providing kisses. You might try surprising them sexually. Try something new. Choose moments when they don’t expect it – it can feel fresh again. On the other hand, don’t be surprised if their sexual appetite and arousal is unusually heightened as some partners experience what’s called ‘Hysterical Bonding.’ Also be aware that during lovemaking they may suffer intrusive thoughts or mental images of you and your affair partner, so they may suddenly shut down or even burst into tears. Again, apologize for making them feel this way. Express that you choose them – and not your affair partner. Reassure them by emphasizing that they are the only one you truly want.

SHARE YOUR FEELINGS OF GUILT AND SHAME: If you exhibit no shame or guilt for hurting them, they’ll wonder if you’re truly capable of being sensitive, caring or even feeling. They may see you as callous and self-absorbed, and question if it’s really worth another try with you. But if you’re like most people who have badly hurt someone you truly love, then you certainly feel shame and guilt, though verbalizing it may be hard for you. Of course, some people do find it difficult to express these feelings, but try. You’ll find it provides a great sense of relief to share this with your partner. Moreover, do not fail to realize is how vitally important it is for your partner to hear it, to feel it, to see it in your eyes. It’s a building block in the reconstruction of trust and the repair of your marriage. Do not underestimate the power of satisfying their need to know that you are disappointed in yourself. Your opening up about this will help them feel secure again, help them to heal, and help you heal, too.

LET THEM KNOW YOU ARE HAPPY WITH YOUR CHOICE TO RECOMMIT: You probably think this is obvious, but to your betrayed partner, precious little is obvious anymore. They will wonder about this. Do not make them guess, and do not make them ask. Just tell them. If it doesn’t seem to come naturally at first, it may help if every now and then, you ask yourself, “If they had betrayed me this way, would I still be here?” (Most of us would answer, “No,” even if we can’t imagine being in that position.) When people give second chances to others, they really want to know that it’s meaningful to, and appreciated by, the recipient. So, express your thanks. Tell them how grateful you are for the opportunity to repair the damage you’ve done and rebuild your marriage. You’ll be surprised how much this simple, heartfelt act of gratitude will mean to them, and how it helps to re-establish the bond between you.

HERE’S A GREAT TIP: You will find it’s particularly meaningful to them when they’re obviously feeling low, but they’re locked in silence and aren’t expressing it to you. Just imagine… In their moments of unspoken loneliness or despair, you walk up to them, hug them and say, “I just want you to know how grateful I am that you’re giving me a second chance. Thank you so much. I love you more than ever for this. I’ve been feeling so ashamed of what I did and how much pain I caused you. I want you to know that I’ll never do anything to hurt you like this – ever again. I know I broke your heart and it torments me. I want you to know your heart is safe with me again.”

These are beautifully comforting words, particularly when they’re delivered at such a perfect
moment. You can memorize the quote, modify it, or use your own words, whatever is most
comfortable for you. The key is to include, in no particular order, all six of these components:

A statement of gratitude.

An expression of your love.

An acknowledgment of your spouse’s pain.

An admission that you caused their pain.

An expression of your sense of shame.

A promise that it will never happen again

Unfaithful spouses I’ve counselled often report that this most welcome surprise is the best thing they did to lift their partner’s spirits – as well as their own.

SECTION 3 - SO WHAT ARE THE NEXT STAGES, AFTER THEY WORK THROUGH ALL THEIR GRIEF, PAIN AND STRESS?

HOPE: They believe they will get better. They still have good days and bad days, but the good days out balance the bad. Sometimes they can work effectively, enjoy activities and really care
for others.

COMMITMENT: They know they have a choice. Life won’t be the same, but they decide to actively begin building a new life.

SEEKING: They take initiative, renewing their involvement with former friends and activities. They
begin exploring new involvements.

PEACE: They feel able to accept the affair and its repercussions, and face their own future.

LIFE OPENS UP: Life has value and meaning again. They can enjoy, appreciate, and anticipate events. They are willing to let the rest of their life be all it can be. They can more easily seek and find joy.

FORGIVENESS: While the memory will never leave them, the burden they’ve been carrying from your betrayal is lifted. Given what you have done, the pain it caused them and the anguish they lived through, this is the ultimate gift they can bestow. They give it not only to you, but to themselves. Be grateful for this gift – and cherish it always.

Rejoice in your renewed commitment to spend your lives together in happiness. Celebrate it together regularly


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## Badsmit (Dec 29, 2011)

Halien said:


> Sorry for implying that you should feel foolish. It's a personal opinion, but I think that most men in a place of betrayal will eventually reach a place where the anger and disapointment make it incredibly hard to live in peace with the betrayer. Its a delayed response for many men, coming years later. See some of the posts in the Considering Divorce section, for instance. I fear that you are still in the place where you are trying to get your arms around the betrayal, like a person who is grasping for the closest object that can keep him afloat and save him. Its only after you restore the peace that you settle down and take a look at what you have. Then the discontent sets in. People on this site will sometimes try to shake you a little bit, hoping that you will see something beyond that potentially fruitless attempt to recover something thats already broken.


Yep that quote is ground truth I'm going through it now. You will want her/love her but you are going to relive the past and get pissed and if she does not meet your expectation you are going to get more pissed. Why me, How could she, Who does she think she is, to I deserve better than this….. and so on…… You are going to grow to resent the things she did , the lies she told and possible her. You were a good husband and tried to give your all. She repaid you by giving others the same thing (Sex) for r face book IM and texts that cost you trust, marriage, vows, house, and fidelity. Get ready for the triggers……. 
One question “HOW ARE YOU GOING TO TRUST HER AGAIN”? 
:scratchhead:


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Expose....From what you said, she is most likely doing lip service and most likely for her image. Expose to family. And expose the OM to his wife or gf. Then you will see how remorseful she is.

I also think she used you as an out from her controlling parents. If this is what she does at 24, God save you. You are just setting up for more failure. I would suggest that you start thinking about divorce. See if she works hard to regain trust. Only then recommit to the marriage. So many posters around here express regret how they forgave their spouse the first time only to be deceived again and again. And since you don't have kids, it should be much easier.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Clash said:


> Yeah, I feel like a fool. It's just hard to walk away from something that I've been trying to build for years. A tough pill to swallow.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Not nearly as hard as discovering your wife to be sleeping with other men.

Look, you need to expose this stuff. It shows your wife that you have some balls, that there are serious consequences for cheatng, and that you aren't a push over nice guy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bestplayer (Jan 23, 2010)

Clash said:


> Yeah, I feel like a fool. It's just hard to walk away from something that I've been trying to build for years. A tough pill to swallow.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well I always advise reconcilliation but in your case *dont even think about it 
* . You already forgave her once & she slapped you on the face . She's with you for other reasons that doesn't include love at all . Trust me , If you stay with her & she cheats on you again , I wouldn't blame her & I will have no sympathy for you .


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Clash I'm truly sorry about what is happening to you. But you have to face the reality of your situation and deal with it like a true man.

Your wife is a wh0re. An unrepentant, sneaky, two-timing, spread-the-joy wh0re. You will never be able to trust her.

Two ways out of this: divorce her, or buy her a miniskirt and some fishnets and make her walk the streets. At least you'd be making some money off her, and she can enjoy doing what she was born to do. 

I doubt seriously that you would choose the second option, so that only leaves the other.


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## NaturalHeart (Nov 13, 2011)

From the beginning you were captain save and thinking of a way to be close to her because her parents were so strict. At 18 a woman has not even come close to social life experiences. (well maybe some). But when a woman marries that young she is not mature enough has not experienced college life yet or dated enough dudes to know what type of man she can be happy with and spend the rest of her life with.

With that said that still does not justify her cheating on you without any hesitation from what I'm reading. She got out of her parents home and has gone buck wild while married to you. You don't have kids and if you do stay ask yourself why are you staying because when you catch someone who says 'ok I'll stop" and you "move on" only to catch them again but with a different person and then it is once again "ok I will stop"- To actually stop but move on to someone else should be your reality of what you've invested in.


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## maverick77 (Feb 24, 2012)

I guess its a two-sided sword. Advance apologies but my view is that both you and your partner are equally responsible. As much as she had a 'wandering eye', you did not 'understand' her needs in some subliminal way. Sorry I am not being horrible here. To me I feel marriages often drown due to heaviness and weight of a life long commitment (which is very different from a non-marriage situn).


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

maverick77 said:


> I guess its a two-sided sword. Advance apologies but my view is that both you and your partner are equally responsible. As much as she had a 'wandering eye', you did not 'understand' her needs in some subliminal way. Sorry I am not being horrible here. To me I feel marriages often drown due to heaviness and weight of a life long commitment (which is very different from a non-marriage situn).


I thought subliminal messages were outlawed.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

Your wife cheated you constantly.the pain it causes is like cancer.When one is infected with a cancer only way to escape the pain is to surgically remove it, even if it pains, it will help us to get rid off the pain for our entire life.


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## river rat (Jan 20, 2012)

Maverick, if you read many of the posts here, you'll note that many of the wandering spouses seem to have characteristics of narcissistic personality disorder. It is not possible for one person to meet the needs of someone like that. It is just unfortunate that there are so many of them out there.


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## Clash (Feb 24, 2012)

UPDATE:

Last Friday, I decided to take some time apart from her, and stay with my best friend while I sort out my feelings. It's been difficult. At first, she didn't understand why. She said it "came out of nowhere" and she was trying to figure out why I suddenly decided to do this. I told her it was because I didn't do it initially. I wanted to take some time alone after I first found out about the cheating, but she talked me into staying. Since I haven't been home, I think she's finally realizing the magnitude of her actions. She's apologized so many times & said that she doesn't deserve me. She said that she's coming to terms with the fact that it might be over.

She's begging me not to give up, and tells me that she'll do anything to save our marriage: quit her job, give up her phone, whatever it takes. It breaks my heart. I know she's remorseful for what she did, but I don't know if it's something I can ever get over. I'm still confused. Sometimes it's clear to me that I need to leave her, but then I think about how good our relationship has been & how good it could be. Will I always have problems trusting her or will it eventually fade?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Clash said:


> UPDATE:
> 
> Last Friday, I decided to take some time apart from her, and stay with my best friend while I sort out my feelings. It's been difficult. At first, she didn't understand why. She said it "came out of nowhere" and she was trying to figure out why I suddenly decided to do this. I told her it was because I didn't do it initially. I wanted to take some time alone after I first found out about the cheating, but she talked me into staying. Since I haven't been home, I think she's finally realizing the magnitude of her actions. She's apologized so many times & said that she doesn't deserve me. She said that she's coming to terms with the fact that it might be over.
> 
> ...


That is why dont decide anything in haste.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

> Sometimes it's clear to me that I need to leave her, but *then I think about how good our relationship has been & how good it could be.* Will I always have problems trusting her or will it eventually fade?


Has it been good? Really?

I say your relationship has all been a tissue of lies, concoted by a pathological liar to keep you under control. You still only know at best 50% of the truth of what she has been doing behind your back.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Have you finally exposed the OM?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Have her take a polygraph on how many she has cheated with and how many times.

Ask her when she last contacted the OM

Exposé the OM.

If she honestly wants to do anything she will do the above, including go with you and help expse the OM.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Clash,

Time is on your side and I think it is good that you took some time for yourself.

If your wife is serious about changing her ways then call her bluff.

Tell her to quit her job or stop the traveling. She needs to send out NC letters that you approve to these OM.

You need to get her into some serious IC or you are going to be looking at OM3 and OM4 next. Cheaters lie. 

She needs to be open about everything. Close facebook. She has shown that she cannot just be social with other men.

If she is willing to do all that and you Alpha Man Up and not let her rugsweep all her indiscretions under the rug then you have a chance.

But you need to get yourself to a point in your marriage where you know that even if you leave you will be ok. You love her, you want to be married to her but you have too much respect for yourself to tolerate her nonsense anymore. That is where your head needs to be. And she needs to know it.

And do not be afraid to leave her if she cannot hold up her end of the marriage. It is as simple as that.

By the way, do not protect the affair. Let the OM and their significant others know and tell her parents if that will help you.

No Mr Nice Guy Clash!!!


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## MrQuatto (Jul 7, 2010)

Clash, my concern here is that, like many cheaters arem she is a master manipulator. The flip flop of emotions, begging, pleading, are not unusual form a caught wayward. Often times, they do just that and take the affair underground. 

You have an opportunity to put her actions to the test. Draw a line in the sand, call her on some of the items she has told you she would do as well as set some rules you havent even discussed with her. Tell her you are demanding a polygraph and an std test on her part that you will set up and actually see it through. 

Those last 2 items will usually separate the manipulators from the truly remorseful. A remorse will agree to anything to try and fix "Some" of the damage done. A manipulator will balk and ***** and either end up refusing, lay guilt on to you or will trickle truth some details to you ahead of time, hoping to get you back down. 

You HAVE to remember that EVERY back down, EVERY compromise, EVERY caving on your part will set back, if not destroy, any chance of R.

Q~


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Has it been good? Really?
> 
> I say your relationship has all been a tissue of lies, concoted by a pathological liar to keep you under control. You still only know at best 50% of the truth of what she has been doing behind your back.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

She her self is a lie, your relationship is built on lie only. she is trying to manipulate you by begging and crying dont fall for that. God gifted you an opportunity to get away from her, use it as soon as possible.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

You seem very level headed and you seem like you've got a good grip on the situation. You've identified what is wrong and deep down you know the answer to your own questions. It's hard to let go. You were young, she was young. Her parents were so strict that your dates consisted of the two of you sitting next to each other in church, and her parents didn't even approve of that. You two went from sitting next to each other in church to getting married. You were the only boyfriend she was ever allowed to have, and her parents didn't even really allow that. It seems that you were ready for marriage, but she apparently was not. All of this is no excuse for her cheating and you deserve better.

You're young and have no kids. You say you feel like you've invested a lot of time. That's not a good reason to stay. From my perspective, you have not invested a lot of time yet - you can leave now and find someone who will love you and not cheat on you.

You caught her once before, she begged forgiveness, you stayed and thought you worked it out, now you've caught her again, even worse this time, she's begging forgiveness and wants you to stay and work it out ... do you see a pattern starting to form?

Three years into the marriage she has an affair. Two years later, she has another affair. This is off-the-charts bad. You haven't seen your sixth anniversary yet and she's already had two affairs. In an earlier post, you said you appreciated everyone's advice as you know that everyone on this site has probably experienced a similar situation. Truth is, very few on this site have endured the level of infidelity you have this early in the marriage and very few have tried to reconcile after being cheated on twice, even where children were involved. You have no children. The first few years of marriage, when you don't have kids yet, are the easy ones.

Everyone who has posted here has given you basically the same advice. Cut your losses and move on. Some here have given you advice to take IF you want to work it out.

She has offered to do all the right things. Just words. No actions. She has been apologetic, but gets upset when you bring it up. You feel like she's just giving you lip service. It's easy for her to say the words, much harder for her to back them up. She's offered to quit traveling and delete Facebook but she hasn't done it on her own; she'll only do it if you "want" her to (that is, she'll only do it if you make her do it).

I usually am pro-marriage, but I do not want to see you waste more time only to find out later that it won't work out.

If you do try to work it out, start by taking her up on her offers to quit traveling and delete Facebook. Follow the other posters' advice about transparency, remorse, etc. In other words, if you try to work it out, really make her work for it so you can see whether or not she's just all talk. That way, you can move on sooner if she's not serious.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

Will_Kane said:


> You caught her once before, she begged forgiveness, you stayed and thought you worked it out, now you've caught her again, even worse this time, she's begging forgiveness and wants you to stay and work it out ... do you see a pattern starting to form?
> 
> Three years into the marriage she has an affair. Two years later, she has another affair. This is off-the-charts bad. You haven't seen your sixth anniversary yet and she's already had two affairs. In an earlier post, you said you appreciated everyone's advice as you know that everyone on this site has probably experienced a similar situation. Truth is, very few on this site have endured the level of infidelity you have this early in the marriage and very few have tried to reconcile after being cheated on twice, even where children were involved. You have no children. The first few years of marriage, when you don't have kids yet, are the easy ones.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

You said it, if he want let him take it. Else we can see him soon.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

This woman is tainted, putrified flesh. 

Christian good girls are the worst about this. OP needs to run from her like a raped ape.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Your wife is suffering from arrested development and is essentially stuck in adolescence. She is not ready to be in any type of committed relationship until she addresses and resolves her issues through professional counseling.

As I said this so many times, a marriage cannot survive if it is missing one or more of these: love, trust and respect. Your wife has no respect nor love (not a feeling but an action) for you. And you have no trust in her. The healthy choice for you is to divorce her so you can heal and move on with your life.


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## ShootMePlz! (Oct 5, 2008)

Has she given you a complete time line of all her sexual activites with these men? When, Where, how many times etc!!


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