# Dealing With An Angry Spouse (as always, long :))



## RDJ (Jun 8, 2011)

Trying to turn a marriage around is never an easy thing. It becomes much more difficult when there are intense emotional conflicts involved. As many experts will tell you, communication is key to resolving any relationship issue. However, it is very difficult to make progress when every discussion blows up into a yelling match. You go in with the intention of calmly discussing some issues and you come away feeling like things are hopeless.

In some marriage the situation may be so bad that any attempt what so ever to address the issues in the marriage will cause an explosion. It is almost as if your spouse has erected a wall of anger to protect themselves. If you push the wrong buttons, you get a blast of anger that leaves you feeling totally battered.

In other situations the wall may be more defensive in nature. Rather than explode, your spouse will seem to implode. They just close in on themselves and stop listening. It is like they have closed you off entirely. In many cases, you bounce back and forth between the two.

It is easy to see how situations like this would be extremely frustrating. You are trying to do something that is good for the marriage, and you end up with an emotional battering. How do you get past this?

In order to answer that question you first need to understand the nature of emotions.

There is a common misperception in the world that emotions are something that we feel in response to circumstances. This misunderstanding is fuelled somewhat by the way that we talk about emotions. “This makes me sad” or “that makes me angry.” The idea here is that something happened and we felt an emotion in response to it.

Emotions never happen in response to events. They happen in response to thoughts in our own minds. Therefore the actual sequence is as follows:

An event happens
We generate a thought about the event
We generate an emotion in response to the thought

For example, suppose that someone tells you a story about something that happened to them. As you are listening to the story you are thinking thoughts about it. You might think “That is a sad story.” In response to the thought the emotion of sadness arises. It was not the story that made you sad. It was what you think about the story that made you feel sad.

The difference is subtle, but is also extremely important and I will explain why.

Most people believe that their emotions are something that they cannot directly control. The honestly believe that their emotions are directly caused by events and there is nothing they can do to stop that from happening. If this is how you perceive the world then it stands to reason that the only way to change how you are feeling is to change circumstances. This is where people go wrong.

Suppose that something is happening that you do not like. Perhaps your spouse is yelling at you and you are getting angry in response. You do not like how you are feeling at the moment, and you believe that your feelings are a direct response of your spouse’s yelling. Therefore it seems obvious that you need to stop the yelling in order to stop the emotions that you do not want.

While this may seem quite logical, it is not true. The yelling is not causing you to feel bad. The yelling is causing you to think in ways that make you feel bad. You may be thinking “I feel so powerless when he yells” or “she really does not like me.” It is those thoughts that are making you feel bad.

The same thing is happening on the other end. Your spouse’s anger is not the direct result of anything that you said or did. It is the result of what they are thinking or feeling in this moment.

This leads to two important points that you must consider:

1)	If I want to change how I am feeling, then I must change how I am thinking.

2)	If I want to change how my spouse is behaving then I need to understand the thoughts that are driving their behaviour.

Every sequence of think, react and do starts with thinking. We perceive something and we start generating thoughts about it. The thoughts cause emotions to rise in response. If you do not like the emotions, then it is the thoughts that you need to address.

Nobody else can control the way that you feel about yourself. It does not matter what they say to you. It will only affect your feelings if you choose to believe them. 

If your spouse is yelling at you then they are trying to illicit an emotional response. On some level they know that emotions lead to actions so they are trying to create the emotions in you that will lead to the actions that they want. If they are successful in this then they will do it again in the future.

You need to cut that off! Do not allow them to have that easy route to getting what they want. Do not allow them to drive your emotional state. That is for you and you alone to control.

Suppose that you are debating something with your spouse and they decide to elevate things to an emotional level. They decide to take a short cut to getting what they want and push one of your emotional buttons. They tell you that you are stupid. Let’s see how this plays out in your head.

You hear your spouse say the words “you are stupid.” In your head you think “I am stupid.” In response to that thought you feel bad. You do not want to feel bad so you start trying to manage the situation to get away from feeling bad. You decide the best way to get away from this feeling is to end the conversation. You say “whatever have it your way.”

They used a cheap tactic and you allowed it to work.

It could have gone differently. You hear your spouse say the words “you are stupid.” In your head you think “I am stupid.” In response to that thought you feel bad. You realize what you are feeling and decide that you do not want to feel this way. You think “I am NOT stupid! This is just a cheap tactic to try and bully me into doing what they want. I am not going to let it work.” You decide to ignore the comment and calmly restate your point.

In the second example you retained control of your own emotional state. You did not allow your spouse to drive you toward a state that you did not want to be in. The more often you are able to stand your ground and not be bullied, the less likely it is that your spouse will use those tactics.

So what about the other half of the equation? Controlling your own emotional state is only half the problem. How do you keep your spouse from becoming extremely emotional?

The key to this one is to remember that emotions are the direct result of thoughts. In order to understand why your spouse keeps getting angry or depressed, you need to understand what they are thinking.

When your spouse gets upset, do the best that you can to keep yourself calm and then listen to what they are saying. It may be that they come right out and tell you what their thoughts are. Listen carefully to it and then try to understand how those thoughts could lead to angry or depressed feelings. It may be that there is a simple error in their perception that is causing them to misunderstand the whole situation. When you are not struggling with your own emotions or trying to manage the overall situation it will be much easier to hear what they are trying to communicate.

It is important to note that people often refuse, or are unable to communicate their actual true thoughts and they cover this up by making all kinds of false statements instead. Your spouse does not actually think you are stupid. They actually think that they have no real power and thus they must use bully tactics to get what they want. They are not going to say “I feel powerless.” What they will say is “you are stupid.” You need to read between the lines sometimes in order to hear what is actually being said. A good rule of thumb is that anger is usually provoked by fear and confusion. Rather than focus on the anger and trying to make it go away, focus on finding out what they are afraid of.

The first step is always to maintain control of your own thoughts and feelings. If you are calm and in control then it will be much easier to figure out why your spouse is so agitated. Most marital arguments are caused by very simple misunderstandings. Those simple facts tend to get lost among all the accusations and attempts to control.


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## charlene (Jul 21, 2011)

Absolutely true! I knew some of the things. I tend to listen , i manage to understand what's hiding behind his hurtfull words. When i find out he misunderstood somethin i said and explain myself, he doesn't accept it, saying i was fooling him. I think for the tactics above to work ,the person who are we trying to use them with should trust you and respect you. And in most cases the person who's giving you that kind of behavior doesn't trust or respect the other....according to my observations.


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## lilytony (Dec 1, 2012)

RDJ said:


> Trying to turn a marriage around is never an easy thing. It becomes much more difficult when there are intense emotional conflicts involved. As many experts will tell you, communication is key to resolving any relationship issue. However, it is very difficult to make progress when every discussion blows up into a yelling match. You go in with the intention of calmly discussing some issues and you come away feeling like things are hopeless.
> 
> In some marriage the situation may be so bad that any attempt what so ever to address the issues in the marriage will cause an explosion. It is almost as if your spouse has erected a wall of anger to protect themselves. If you push the wrong buttons, you get a blast of anger that leaves you feeling totally battered.
> 
> ...


ty for that post. it was enlightening. i have been going through exactly that with my husband. when i stay calm it deffinately helps. i feel like im asking for advice on manipulating my husband...but i am for his own good jkjk. my husband does work hard. that has been going well this year. he tends to be the kind of abuser that is pretty darn happy as long as i do everything for him. and i mean everything in the house. but soon as i ask for him to help with something. he will turn straight nasty and we go to war. my question is, how to i challenge him in a healthy way to see that hes really being a lazy spoiled brat. like i said he does work his butt off. he just wants to work and thats it. there are certain things us women just need our men to do around the house and i know the tantrums are just a way to get out of it. but he can turn violent over picking up dog poop..lol. but in general, hes not to jelous, i can wear what i want and do what i want. im a pretty trust worthy lady and im sure he knows that. and i do have some trust in him, yet its hard to trust anyone who can turn on you like that over dog poo anyhow..any advice or anything you would like to know?
i would appriciate it, im two yrs into research on this and i have come along way in standing up to him. but this one perplexes me. i know he likes a clean house, he hisself is well groomed. he just dosnt want to do it...and yes hes filipino and raised by a whole gang of women who will say he can never do wrong. im white...hehe big cultural difference. so i know it is his belief that that is just how it is. how do i help him to see its not about him but us? thanxx


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Sounds to me like your wife is abusing you. That her abuse of you creates strong negative emotions inside of you. But instead of confronting your wife’s abuse, you are denying the negative emotions she creates inside of you.


Your emotions are there for a reason RDJ. They are “messengers” that tell you things about your world inside and outside of you.


But you are denying the very “emotional messengers” your body has been designed to and evolved to send you, warning you that something is very wrong in your life.


You obviously don’t know that your body can be going through an emotion due to external circumstances BEFORE it’s reached your level of consciousness let alone your rationalising brain. A lot of our emotions are INSTINCTUAL. Anger, jealousy, fear, anxiety, betrayal. They are not a response to how we “think”. How we think is a response to the emotion!


It’s the wise man who looks to process his emotions. For example to determine and judge if his emotions are VALID or not given the set of circumstances that created them. And to then respond to his emotions in a situationally dependent and appropriate way.


By denying your wife's behavioral affect on your emotions ALL you are doing is giving her the GO AHEAD to continue abusing you!


And because of that, she will never modify her behavior! You need boundaries RDJ.


You might want to read Emotional Intelligence: 10th Anniversary Edition; Why It Can Matter More Than IQ: Daniel Goleman: 9780553804911: Amazon.com: Books. If you do you will learn very much more than you know about emotions.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

RDJ, if your wife doesn’t go around being indiscriminately angry with other people (parents, siblings, shop keepers etc.) then you may well be the cause of her anger.

Plus if she isn’t indiscriminately angry with other people then for sure she can control her anger. It’s just that she doesn’t control it with you. And that will be due to a lack of respect for you. You really do need healthy boundaries.


The less emotion you demonstrate, the more you “rationalise with your arguments”, the “colder” she’ll perceive you and the angrier she’ll get. So not only could you be the source of your wife’s anger, you may actually inflame it as well.


Your wife may well be massively frustrated with you and that could be the source of her anger. But. She would be expressing her frustrations through her anger which is of course inappropriate.


I have the feeling that the more you shut down on your emotions and the colder and more “untouchable/invulnerable” you become the hotter/angrier your wife will become. You may well be “feeding the fire” RDJ. Instead of putting it out with healthy boundaries.


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## Figaro (Dec 3, 2012)

I do agree that understanding why people are thinking the way they do is the ability to controlling arguments. You are diverting the flow of a river. Rather than bursting its banks, you can direct it into a tributary. This is easier said than done.

Rather than react to your spouse's comment aggressively, react to her thought and the _causes_ of her thought. If she has said something directly offensive do not react, just think "this is not true of me, I know better" and correct her and explain why.


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## TryingandFrustrated (Nov 7, 2012)

I think you are correct RDJ, but both people have to be willing to see it. I'm going through some of this with my wife and do have to stop before I respond. I've found that defensive responses can completely kill the 'discussion at hand'. Someone has to be the bigger person, and then with time the other spouse will hopefully see the change and change her own thinking. You do have control over your thoughts and feelings and how you let them come out and control you. I've had issues for a while with an angry wife and my first reaction was always defensiveness, which I'm told didn't help anything and actually usually made matters worse and just made her seem worthless because it made it seem like I didn't see her side and show any empathy towards her.

It has been a long process, and it seems that only time without the defensiveness is making her more comfortable again with our conversations.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

AFEH said:


> The less emotion you demonstrate, the more you “rationalise with your arguments”, the “colder” she’ll perceive you and the angrier she’ll get. So not only could you be the source of your wife’s anger, you may actually inflame it as well.
> 
> I have the feeling that the more you shut down on your emotions and the colder and more “untouchable/invulnerable” you become the hotter/angrier your wife will become. You may well be “feeding the fire” RDJ. Instead of putting it out with healthy boundaries.


I couldn't agree with this more. :iagree:


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## lilytony (Dec 1, 2012)

AFEH said:


> Sounds to me like your wife is abusing you. That her abuse of you creates strong negative emotions inside of you. But instead of confronting your wife’s abuse, you are denying the negative emotions she creates inside of you.
> 
> 
> Your emotions are there for a reason RDJ. They are “messengers” that tell you things about your world inside and outside of you.
> ...


ty for the advice. im the wife though. i was talking about my husband. easy mistake. ya he does deny his own messages. hes told me that. i know he trys. he just backslides into denial here and there. ultimately i know hes a pretty good guy. he just gets bratty when i ask for help. and that can be pysichly bratty as well. but we have came a long way. to have to go over the information we have again and again gets draining. but i still beleive the truth sets u free, as does he. he no longer will say he isnt abusive. he openly admits it and dosnt seem to feel ashamed of it any longer. hes grown alot. just here and there is these backslides. its draining. hehe. he used to not work. never helped...blah blah. he does work full time now. and is helpful in alot of ways. i just cant ask him for help, cuz if i do he goes into this thing like im controlling him. ug confusing. now that he works his butt off though i give him a bit of room. his job is very hard and dangerous. i just would like to know what to do in that exact moment. do i call him on it or just let it go. i seem to have the most effect when i stand up to him with the truth of his behavior. what do you think?


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

The Event > Thought > Feeling > Behavior process is something I taught extensively when I was still counseling. The example I used removed the subtlety to help people understand, so I'll give it here, too: 

If someone comes up and punches you in the arm (event), if you think they're doing it to hurt you (thought) you might become angry (feeling) and hit them back (response.) 

However, if you think they're being friendly and joking (thought), then you might feel happy instead (feeling), and respond by saying, "Hey, it's great to see you!" (response)

Either way, the event was the same. Our thoughts about it determined the rest of the process. Our thoughts happen so quickly that it can be hard to distinguish what they are before having a response, though, so it's important to learn to step back and evaluate this first.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

KathyBatesel said:


> The Event > Thought > Feeling > Behavior process is something I taught extensively when I was still counseling. The example I used removed the subtlety to help people understand, so I'll give it here, too:
> 
> If someone comes up and punches you in the arm (event), if you think they're doing it to hurt you (thought) you might become angry (feeling) and hit them back (response.)
> 
> ...


It obviously “depends”.


Your example is for me way too vanilla.


If a man just outright hits another man, unprovoked, his first reaction will be to fight or fly. He’ll make that “assessment and judgement” in milliseconds. This happens for pure survival reasons. Depending upon the ferocity of the punch, the man will for certain be angry and may well be very angry, taking a while to calm down.


If the man who’s hit is with his wife and/or children he will stand and fight.


In your example, your “punch” sounds more like a buddy tap on the shoulder.


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## aahnaagrwal (Dec 3, 2012)

This is quite a common problem in men then they are quite aggressive and also angry.Its not the way as you think about him. They have lots of problem in their mind which sometimes is not shareable with anyone.Due to this they feel angry. So firstly you have try to make things according to their way this will quite helpful for you.And also if you can not get relief from this then you can take suggestion from an astrologer.


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## TryingandFrustrated (Nov 7, 2012)

KathyBatesel said:


> The Event > Thought > Feeling > Behavior process is something I taught extensively when I was still counseling. The example I used removed the subtlety to help people understand, so I'll give it here, too:
> 
> If someone comes up and punches you in the arm (event), if you think they're doing it to hurt you (thought) you might become angry (feeling) and hit them back (response.)
> 
> ...


I can see the analogy here. Instead of a punch in the arm, it could be compared to something said in a conversation. My wife and I were having a discussion about something and I commented back that it wasn't necessarily true and gave my point. My wife looked at the negative side to my statement that I didn't agree with her because I didn't see her side first, instead of listening to what I said because she thought I was telling her she was wrong. I think when couples are still on the edge of trying to make things work out, these instances become alot more common and both sides really need to think first before responding, even though in a normal conversation that always isn't the easiest thing to do. Especially when the one making the comment doesn't believe he said anything wrong, but the other is quick to think her thoughts are being dismissed.


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## PursuitOfHappiness (Nov 25, 2012)

charlene said:


> Absolutely true! I knew some of the things. I tend to listen , i manage to understand what's hiding behind his hurtfull words. When i find out he misunderstood somethin i said and explain myself, he doesn't accept it, saying i was fooling him. I think for the tactics above to work ,the person who are we trying to use them with should trust you and respect you. And in most cases the person who's giving you that kind of behavior doesn't trust or respect the other....according to my observations.



Yes. Because English is my second language, my husband tend to nitpicking me when I talk to him, and talk to anyone in his presence. Some times the words I use are not the precise words to express my opinions and my feeling exactly the way I wanted to express. He does not give me second chance to either correct myself or to change other words with his help. He lashed out immediately with " you are the dumbest woman, you are stupid, you have no brain, your brain is full of sh** " He told me 3 times to go get my brain checked because he "suspects" I have brain deficiency.

When I try to explain maybe its the wording, I didn't mean that, let me rephrase it again. He will storm out and say he doesn't believe me. Yes, they have trust issue.


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## venuslove (Apr 16, 2012)

I so agree with RDJ. I am the source of my husband's anger- This morning he says that I provoke him, so I am to blame for his yelling. It is true in this instance that I made a mean face at him when he was doing something I thought was wrong- letting our son cry and scream while he was on the phone. So he starts yelling at me for it. I am calm. He has been yelling at me for over a year and a half. He has depression and he has said in the past that anything will set him off. Anyways, so I am calm. I apologize for making the face and tell him that it was an inappropriate expression of my anger. BTW I rarely express my anger to him in inappropriate ways. This was a rare failure on my part to control my anger. Anyways he starts in on how I "started it". I pointed out that we aren't twelve. That Iam sorry for what I did, but he really needs to stop yelling especially in front of the baby. He pointed out that he can be on the phone and still be caring for our son and that our son was having a tnatrum so he didn't think that he should comfort him anyways and just let him cry. I do not think you can really divide your attention between the phone, etc while caring for the baby especially if he is screaming. Anyways, we figured out our misunderstanding of the situation, but he still blames me for his anger. He is angry at other people and will blow up in the car and flip people off and start cursing. He is always complainig about how people are idiots and don't do things right. But he doesn't get out of control at work I don't think. SO do you think I am the cause of his anger? THank you
I was just remembering and when we first started dating four plus years ago we worked together and he DID used to blow up at the boss and throw stuff around. I don't know what to do. I feel like I have to walk on eggshells to try and not anger him, but I get upset about things. And even when I wait and approach things calmly and with just the intention of working together to solve our problems. He is still mad at me and blames me for most everything. I tell him that it doesn't matter who is "right" or "wrong" who's to blame. That if our marriage fails it will be both our faults and that our son will no longer have an intact family. He won't see that it was one or the other fault just that he is sad. But it seems like he just still has this conflict set up in his head that we are working against eachother instead of together. Or that I am working against him. He won't talk most of the time when I try to communicate. He'll either yell or shut down completely and say leave me alone and go in the other room. SO nothing ever gets solved. He says that he is not capable of dealing with it. So, now I am responsible for balancing the budget, taking care of our son and the housework and I work part time too so that he won't feel like he is shouldering all the financial responsibilities since he used to yell at me all the time about that. He is getting alittle better now that his prescription was upped. Maybe I j=should just avoid conflict as much as possible? Thank you so much
OK so I just went and checked the pill bottle. Looks like he stopped taking his pills about two weeks ago and has been lieing to me about it again. Ugh. No wonder he is so angry and doesn't want to do anything but sit in the house again. God.


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## PursuitOfHappiness (Nov 25, 2012)

AFEH said:


> RDJ, if your wife doesn’t go around being indiscriminately angry with other people (parents, siblings, shop keepers etc.) then you may well be the cause of her anger.
> 
> Plus if she isn’t indiscriminately angry with other people then for sure she can control her anger. It’s just that she doesn’t control it with you. And that will be due to a lack of respect for you. You really do need healthy boundaries.
> 
> ...


according to your post, maybe I am “feeding the fire” . I shut down and remain silence after he lashed out on me, cursing, name calling, frequently. We are still in the silence treatment war for the 3rd day now. I would like to have your opinion however, I suggest you know more about my story first. 

I do not believe I am the reason for his abuse. I am the reason that he continuosly abusing me becasue I am still here in the marriage and allowing him to abuse me. 

I was outgoing, love social, many activities and habits, very talktive, super confident, vibrant lady. 

Right now, I do 3 things: signing repeatedly / walking on the eggshell with fear / stay indoor besides work


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

PursuitOfHappiness said:


> according to your post, maybe I am “feeding the fire” . I shut down and remain silence after he lashed out on me, cursing, name calling, frequently. We are still in the silence treatment war for the 3rd day now. I would like to have your opinion however, I suggest you know more about my story first.
> 
> I do not believe I am the reason for his abuse. I am the reason that he continuosly abusing me becasue I am still here in the marriage and allowing him to abuse me.
> 
> ...


He can't abuse you if you're not there. The only way I was ever going to end my wife's abuse was to leave her. It took me a very long time to make that judgment.


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