# Question on 5 Love Languages



## Melancholy (Nov 15, 2008)

I've determined my wife's bilingual with Quality Time and Physical Touch. Unfortunately I didn't read this book until she booted me out of the house and told me she didn't love me anymore.

I am interested in using the techniques in this book, but how do I attempt to "fill her love tank" when I can't get near her.


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## TGolbus (Nov 3, 2008)

Why did she boot you? I think you have to work on some other things first - like having communication with her.


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## Melancholy (Nov 15, 2008)

TGolbus said:


> Why did she boot you? I think you have to work on some other things first - like having communication with her.


She told me she no longer loved me (empty love tank), and then gave me a laundry list of everything wrong with the past 7 years of marriage. It's been a tough year with a job loss, a house loss, and things of that sort. She also has emotional issues and depression.

She did mention though that she needed me to hug, kiss, and cuddle with her more and I failed to comply with those requests. Now after reading Dr. Chapmans book, I feel I better understand her but don't have the opportunity to apply what was taught in his book. Now, my wife only communicates to me through text messages inquiring about times I will come pick up and spend time with our son.

I am desperately looking for opportunities to work things out with her and improve our relationship, but she apparently needs her space. I just hope this "space" isn't working against our relationship as she grows apart from me.


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## Guest (Nov 19, 2008)

What is the laundry list have on it? I would start there and address what she has said. Stop looking at her and identifying her faults but look at your own and start fixing those and realize in two weeks or two months she may not see them or believe in you yet. She's been probably stewing for a very long time to push her to the point she is at. You've been dealing with this a very short time.

I am in a very similar boat as you and I struggle with the issues in my life every day. It is hard as hell to keep looking in the mirror when you want to reach out to someone so desperately to let them know that you "finally" understand. Also, keep an open mind, your ears open and actually listening to her, and keep your mouth shut (which seems impossible for me with my wife). 

We're going to try and rationalize everything their feeling and want to get the tool box out. Trust me, it wont work. 

Now what you can do, is start being the person she originally fell in love with. She needs to have whatever is bothering her to not be there hurting her anymore. There was someting that likely pushed her to the point she is at, you will need to figure that out. Be there for her. If you believe you know her love languages, then find a subtle innocent way to apply them when you do get to see her without pushing too hard. ( I keep pushing my wife and she keeps stepping back, it don't work.) Ask her out for coffee somewhere nice. Let her initiate any serious talk and when she does just listen. Therapy is something good as well, if your not seeing someone yet.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

How do you both feel about writing her a letter and telling her about the book? The problem from her end is likely that she has either directly or indirectly made you aware of how she was feeling for some time and now feels you just didn't love her enough or care enough to do anything about it. She probably feels spent and anything you do now is because you don't want your life to change (scrambling or temporary words/actions to get her back) but she may not be convinced you realy 'get it' and want to be a better husband for her. I was thinking a heartfelt letter that really shows you learned something from this book and although you always loved her failed to make sure she felt it each and every day and that you hope at some point you will have that opportunity.

That way, when you do have any type of contact, she won't see it as a desparate measure but know that you are really changing because you want to.

What is interesting for me in reading that book is that from the viewpoint of the person feeling empty, they very well may assume they are not loved because of all of the things their spouse is not doing when in fact the love may have always been there underneath, they just weren't showing it in a way the person feeling empty could relate to as 'love'...so it does work two ways and I'm wondering if this may get them thinking with a little bit more of an open mind.


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## Melancholy (Nov 15, 2008)

I'd love for her to read the book because I think it addresses and answers so many of our problems. We dated in high school and got married at 21. We were definitely "in love" before our wedding, and shortly after that phase ended without me learning to speak her love language. 

My parents are definitely "Acts of Service" speakers and that was my approach with my wife. My parents ignore each other all day and just do chores all day for each other (literally). My wife has been begging for physical touch and quality time love forever and I kept vacuuming and doing the laundry.

Is there any chance I can get her to read the book? Maybe if I send it in the mail with a letter?


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

Melancholy said:


> I've determined my wife's bilingual with Quality Time and Physical Touch.


okay, wait. did SHE do the questions or did YOU do them assuming her answers?


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## Melancholy (Nov 15, 2008)

voivod said:


> okay, wait. did SHE do the questions or did YOU do them assuming her answers?


I'm assuming, but my wife has repeatedly told me, and asked/begged me to hold her more, cuddle/spoon with her, and kiss her more often. It is an assumption but I feel very safe in identifying that as her main love language.

I had no idea about love languages before the separation, and all I did was Acts of Service and I KNOW that is absolutely not her language.

I'd love for her to take the assessment and read the book, but right now she is having her "space" and she has no desire to work on things or even think about our relationship. God I hope she hasn't found another.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

Melancholy said:


> I'm assuming, but my wife has repeatedly told me, and asked/begged me to hold her more, cuddle/spoon with her, and kiss her more often. It is an assumption but I feel very safe in identifying that as her main love language.
> 
> I had no idea about love languages before the separation, and all I did was Acts of Service and I KNOW that is absolutely not her language.
> 
> I'd love for her to take the assessment and read the book, but right now she is having her "space" and she has no desire to work on things or even think about our relationship. God I hope she hasn't found another.


y'know, it's common for a wife to need space depending on the dynamics of the relationship. the percentages are good that she hasn't established another relationship. i'll ask you the same question my wife asked me during one of my insecure moments: 

"has she ever done anything to make you believe she would do anything to damage the marriage?"

her request for space is gonna mean you gotta back off. yo worrying about another partner is gonna feel mighty imposing to her.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Melancholy said:


> Is there any chance I can get her to read the book? Maybe if I send it in the mail with a letter?


If she is totally against speaking with you and discussing relationship issues, I'd probably avoid a long-winded love letter about wanting to get back together, fixing the marriage...Instead I think I'd stick with something short and to the point....that you recently read this book and it sure shed some light on a lot of things for you and you were able to take some positives away from it in terms of making changes....and you thought she might enjoy reading it as well.

If she is currently feeling anger, she may toss it aside...but if she is in a state of confusion, she may at some point pick it up.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

swedish said:


> If she is totally against speaking with you and discussing relationship issues, I'd probably avoid a long-winded love letter about wanting to get back together, fixing the marriage...Instead I think I'd stick with something short and to the point....that you recently read this book and it sure shed some light on a lot of things for you and you were able to take some positives away from it in terms of making changes....and you thought she might enjoy reading it as well.
> 
> If she is currently feeling anger, she may toss it aside...but if she is in a state of confusion, she may at some point pick it up.


may i add my two cents???

give her a week of "space." then write your short note to her. tell her you think it was a good decision she made. it's helped you to see the problems you might have been bringing to the relationship. and lo and behold, great thing happened to you. a friend gave you this book and wow, what an eye opener. i'd love for you to take a look at it! buy her a fresh copy, gift wrap it, and tell her "this is what i've been trying to find out all these years..."

good luck, and say a prayer. He listens.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

I like that!


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## storyboardlife (Oct 31, 2008)

voivod said:


> may i add my two cents???
> 
> give her a week of "space." then write your short note to her.


I agree to that this is a good idea. It seems like it would have been extremely bad for her to just leave like this. Although you said that she brought this up multiple times. Let her know that you are ready to speak her language and really get things back. You are going to have to speak to someone about this because you don't want her to hold this over your head when you drop the ball again if you get back together. Chapman has another book "Love as a way of life" that I went through and wrote on my site StoryBoardlife.com Atlanta Wedding Photographer.


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