# Parental Alienation at play. Son doesn't want to see me



## mrnice (Aug 11, 2009)

My ex has been playing the alienation game with my son for quite some time and she makes up stories as to why my son doesn't want to see me, or come to my place. 

She is taking my son to the doctor, speaking with community services etc and telling me that they are re-inforcing his not wanting to come to my place.

Their is nothing sinister going on, myself and new partner give both my kids the love and care and attention that any ordinary child deserves. 

We believe my son doesn't want to come to our house simply because he can't stand the spanish inquisition (questioning) by his mother when he gets home about what he did and how my partner and I should have done more etc and that we are bad people for not doing more. 

It's crazy do I let him stay at his mothers this weekend or do I make sure he still comes to my place?


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## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

Is there a custodial agreement? How old is the child?


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

Lostouthere said:


> Is there a custodial agreement? How old is the child?


How old is the son?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mrnice (Aug 11, 2009)

Lostouthere said:


> Is there a custodial agreement? How old is the child?


He is 8 sister is 6


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## mrnice (Aug 11, 2009)

Their is a custodial agreement in place whereas I see the children 4 night a fortnight


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

mrnice said:


> Their is a custodial agreement in place whereas I see the children 4 night a fortnight


There is no way a judge would listen to the children's wishes at those ages. You can enforce your visitation through court but a better way might be through a child psychologist because if your ex is pulling that crap, she's messing with your kids' heads and they need help sorting that!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mrnice (Aug 11, 2009)

golfergirl said:


> There is no way a judge would listen to the children's wishes at those ages. You can enforce your visitation through court but a better way might be through a child psychologist because if your ex is pulling that crap, she's messing with your kids' heads and they need help sorting that!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes that was the answer I was looking for. Great answer. 

Thanks


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## chattycathy (Aug 19, 2011)

I haven't read through all your threads but if your kids don't know yet that you left their mom because she cheated on you....reconsider telling them now and not later.
Their world view is pretty set already and it is not in their best interest to be fooled about it.
At this point, maybe you could get a children's therapist involved. (Again, I haven't read all the threads if they have seen one already).


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## mrnice (Aug 11, 2009)

Thanks Chattycathy...I have always left that one alone and didn't want to go there. However, considering my declining relationship with my son because of 'something' I have allegedly done, I am getting to a stage where maybe I need to share some home truths with him. 

Up until this point I have not shared anything about the reason for our separation, i.e. being his mum's infidelity. Obviously I would never be nasty about it and would choose my words wisely, however I am wondering whether it is time to explain that it wasn't me that left the relationship.

Have you or anyone else had experience with this?


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## paperclip (Feb 24, 2011)

My Daughter is 4 years old and once in a while she says. "but i don't wanna go to daddies house"

The on Sundays she says. " I don't want to go back with mommy"

Your kids are to young to know what they want!


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## mrnice (Aug 11, 2009)

paperclip. Totally agree with you, my friend has had a similar situation....they are too young to decide. 

Kids will do what gets them the love and attention that every child wants. Unfortunately this means that they may encourage parents, unwittingly, to repeat behaviour that puts the other parent down. I would like to think that I have avoided this, not saying I am perfect but aiming to be close to it.

I didn't end up picking up my son, I arrived to pick up both of them and my little girl was ushered out and fare welled. I didn't want to make a scene so left without even seeing my son.

Do I or don't I share with him some more information about the reason his mum and I aren't together????


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## chattycathy (Aug 19, 2011)

I did tell all of my children and the youngest was 8 at the time.
I told them "Dad has a girlfriend and married people are not supposed to date people they are not married to."

At your point you might say "I am sorry I have not told you in the past, I didn't want to burden you with this but I need to tell you now......Mom and I broke up because she was dating other men and I was not able to accept that. Now, I know Mom is upset that I have another woman in my life but she had plenty of chances to turn our marriage around and chose not to. I can not reconsile with her at this point. I love you and I am very sorry."

He will be confused since Mom is telling him other things. He will have info to ruminate on though and to try to make sense of the mess in his life. Knowledge is power.....even for children. Age appropriate and respectful but factual.


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## WTSM (Aug 27, 2011)

Don't know if I would tell them the details. But I would make sure they are at my house when they are supposed to be. My daughter doesn't care about who she goes with - she just wants "her" old room. Whether I have the house or mom has the house she wants her room she has always been it. Get your kids dude and have a great time with them and give them something to tell their mom about; both educational and entertaining events.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

mrnice said:


> Their is nothing sinister going on, myself and new partner give both my kids the love and care and attention that any ordinary child deserves.
> 
> do I make sure he still comes to my place?


Yes, yes, yes. With all that the kid is missing due to the unfortunate end of your marriage, it is now your parental responsibility to make up a much of that as possible in your new relationship. You can't do this if he isn't there. Don't accept excuses. Demand 100% of your time and use it as best you can.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> Yes, yes, yes. With all that the kid is missing due to the unfortunate end of your marriage, it is now your parental responsibility to make up a much of that as possible in your new relationship. You can't do this if he isn't there. Don't accept excuses. Demand 100% of your time and use it as best you can.


While I wouldn't mention the bf, I would say mom decided she didn't want to be married anymore. Plan one of his favorite activities and tell him about it on the phone, build it up huge and when you get him, have a heart to heart. Ask questions first. Sometimes it's a stage, sometimes kids worry that mommy is sad home alone bla blah blah. You never know til you ask.
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## chattycathy (Aug 19, 2011)

You should tell the kids the reason their parents split.
They think mom still wants to be with you and you are gone from her and living with another lady. You ARE the culprit in their lives being messed up and tenous.
They can not make sense of what has happened.
You are not protecting them by not telling them.
You are confusing them and forcing them to create sense where there is none.
Any sense they figure out will be built on inaccurate information.
YK?
Just simply state "You know, Mom and I are not together because Mom dated other men while we were married. People should only date their spouse." 
That is stating facts and not actually any worse than what the kids think now. Matter of fact, what they are thinking now is probably pretty scary and confusing and wrong.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

chattycathy said:


> You should tell the kids the reason their parents split.
> They think mom still wants to be with you and you are gone from her and living with another lady. You ARE the culprit in their lives being messed up and tenous.
> They can not make sense of what has happened.
> You are not protecting them by not telling them.
> ...


I respectfully disagree given the ages of the children (8 and 6). At this age they don't get concept of girlfriend/boyfriend/marriage/dating etc.
Kids love both parents. The greatest give you can give them is permission to love both parents. Because mom is possibly being cruel and bad-mouthing dad, it's not open war with kids in the middle. That's adult stuff, they don't need to know that. Instead of messing further with kids (mom's worse than me, love me more, it's her fault!), why not tell the kids, 'the rest of the stuff is adult stuff. All you need to know is I love you and mom loves you and I will do my best to keep you out of our disagreements.' And watch the stress leave this poor little boy's face because there is someone in his life who loves him enough to let him openly love both parents and not make him choose.
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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

mrnice said:


> Up until this point I have not shared anything about the reason for our separation, i.e. being his mum's infidelity. Obviously I would never be nasty about it and would choose my words wisely, however I am wondering whether it is time to explain that it wasn't me that left the relationship.
> 
> Have you or anyone else had experience with this?


Mine are good eavesdroppers. They overheard some stuff, asked questions, and I gave honest answers. Ages 8, 9, and 11. Just bringing it up out of the blue may look like to him you are slamming Mommy. Maybe you can engage him in a conversation. I read a few days ago that sometimes an effective strategy is playing role reversal. You tell him you will be the son and he will be the dad. Then you can ease into some questions or he may lead you there. I haven't tried it yet with my son, but it sounded effective.





chattycathy said:


> I did tell all of my children and the youngest was 8 at the time.
> I told them "Dad has a girlfriend and married people are not supposed to date people they are not married to."
> 
> Age appropriate and respectful but factual.


That is pretty much what I told mine. They told me that divorce is a sin. I'm not quite sure who told them that, but I said the Bible does give adultery as legitimate grounds for divorce. They asked what adultery was. I said when a married person has a boyfriend or girlfriend. It didn't need to go any deeper than that.

Since your wife seems to be trying to alienate your son, I do believe I would try to find a way to ease into that conversation. Just try to remember that kids tend to internalize everything about the divorce. Knocking one parent effectually knocks half of them, in thier eyes. It's a tough question.

Or you could just make sure he has an absolute blast every time he is with you. Maybe schedule some one on one time with him.


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## paperclip (Feb 24, 2011)

My daughter was three when the wife and I split. She doesn't understand why daddy and mommy are not together (she cheated). To her, it's normal right now. I go to daddies sometime, then to mommies sometimes.

However, my wife was not shy about showing off her boyfriend with pictures on facebook of them hugging and kissing each other. So i am sure when my daughter grows up. Say around 16 years old. She will ask the question, hey mommy, why are there pictures of you hugging step daddy (if they are still together) around the time daddy left? 

Oh wait, I know why!!!! Girls are soo much more interested in the details, guys just kinda blow it off.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

HurtinginTN said:


> Since your wife seems to be trying to alienate your son, I do believe I would try to find a way to ease into that conversation. Just try to remember that kids tend to internalize everything about the divorce. Knocking one parent effectually knocks half of them, in thier eyes. It's a tough question.
> 
> Or you could just make sure he has an absolute blast every time he is with you. Maybe schedule some one on one time with him.


I agree with that above. It's a personal decision and I struggled with it and slipped and vented and made mistakes. Do what feels right.
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## chattycathy (Aug 19, 2011)

Children as young as four can be told the factual reason their family undergoes a huge change. Otherwise, in their stage of development (where they are the center of the universe) they think its because of them (the kids).


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## mrnice (Aug 11, 2009)

chattycathy said:


> Children as young as four can be told the factual reason their family undergoes a huge change. Otherwise, in their stage of development (where they are the center of the universe) they think its because of them (the kids).


Im tending to be swayed in the direction of telling them the simple story, Mommy and Daddy were married, Mommy also had other boyfriends and you're not suppose to do that when you're married. I told Mommy to stop because you're not allowed to do it but she kept doing it.

I think that since she is alienating I will await the right time and moment to let them hear the real story.

As for spending one on one time with my son, well that goes without saying, he gets PLENTY of one on one time with me, plus we do HEAPS of things together, when the kids are with me and my new partner every second weekend, we do 90% of what the kids want to do.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

mrnice said:


> Im tending to be swayed in the direction of telling them the simple story, Mommy and Daddy were married, Mommy also had other boyfriends and you're not suppose to do that when you're married. I told Mommy to stop because you're not allowed to do it but she kept doing it.
> 
> I think that since she is alienating I will await the right time and moment to let them hear the real story.



:iagree:


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