# Torn inside.



## peterpan (Sep 15, 2011)

Hi, well, here it goes my husband of 5 years is asking me to send my 7 year old to his and forget about him until he turns 14 where he can come visit us by himself. he is asking i don't even call to check on him or even have him for holidays. He knew i had a child before we married and he was ok with it until two years when my ex took me to court to get visitation rights. At first my husband was ok with it but as the child kept visiting his dad in summer and his dad calling once in a while he said he cant take it anymore. Should i just leave him? he gave me two choices either my son or him.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Is there really a choice? IMO, my child would be my foremost priority.
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## peterpan (Sep 15, 2011)

Yes my child is my number one priority. Do you understand how someone can act like that. He is battling some personal issues and i was trying to understand him but am very disappointed at how one can turn to be like this. I do love him and he is good to me.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

I'm sorry but, how can he be good to you when he is telling you to choose either him or your son? The audacity to say just send your child away and not have contact at ALL for 7 years? That is ridiculous.
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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

There is no choice. Ditch this moron. Seriously. I have a 12 year old and I've been married 2 years (with him for 4) and maybe it bothers him that I have to deal with her dad but COME ON, it's part of the deal and lord knows there's nothing between us ....there hasn't been for 10 years.

Does he think you want your ex? Where is this coming from?

But if he makes you chose, just get your kid and walk out.


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## peterpan (Sep 15, 2011)

No he does not think i want my ex. My ex is miles away. he has some ideologies that are not for common man. He says that he feels like an outsider since my ex is active in my son's life. he feels like i am runnig two families one with my son and the other one with him?????


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

*double post.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

But he knew that when he married you.

You can't just throw kids away...what is he thinking?

I'd leave him just based on his crazy thinking.


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## Just Dave (Sep 13, 2011)

What I'm going to say here isn't just for you personally, but to others who are looking at starting a new life with someone else that also has a child from a previous marriage.

In a word... DON'T. At least not for a few years. Try and put your wants, desires and "needs" aside for a moment and consider what you've just put you child through. You've torn apart his/her life, which was mommy and daddy. We have enough selfish and dysfunctional people in the world without adding to that number. Do you not think that the child (and you and even your ex) will need time for things to stabilize and the pain to subside. Everyone will need time to readjust to this new situation.

Surely, we aren't so weak and needy that we must rush right out and bring a stranger into our and our child's life. This is a recipe for disaster.

Understand that when you're dating, the new guy will be all understanding and supportive. He will be calm and reasonable and everything that he has read in magazines while sitting in doctor's offices, that says he should be to win your groin, I mean your love. But this will change. Your child will be a constant reminder that the OTHER GUY was there first, and he isn't going away.

If there wasn't room in your life for your husband; how do you expect there to be room in your life for him AND a new guy? Are we that naive to think that everything is going to be just fine? We may wish they would, but wishing isn't the same as getting. The old husband and the new will battle each other and the kids will be the ultimate victims.

Okay, what to do now that you're in it? First of all, were you and the child's father ever married? You said that the father didn't seek visitation until two years ago. The father wasn't involved in his child's life up to that point? 

Three years into your current marriage there was no contact with the child's father, suddenly he pops up and wants a relationship with his son? Where had he been all this time and what was he doing? How quickly did you allow him to come into or back into the scene?

Your current husband didn't try to adopt the boy?

We really need more enough information to offer advice.


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## peterpan (Sep 15, 2011)

Just Dave said:


> What I'm going to say here isn't just for you personally, but to others who are looking at starting a new life with someone else that also has a child from a previous marriage.
> 
> In a word... DON'T. At least not for a few years. Try and put your wants, desires and "needs" aside for a moment and consider what you've just put you child through. You've torn apart his/her life, which was mommy and daddy. We have enough selfish and dysfunctional people in the world without adding to that number. Do you not think that the child (and you and even your ex) will need time for things to stabilize and the pain to subside. Everyone will need time to readjust to this new situation.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I'm sorry but your husband is a lunatic.

Choose the boy.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

peterpan said:


> Hi, well, here it goes my husband of 5 years is asking me to send my 7 year old to his and forget about him until he turns 14 where he can come visit us by himself. he is asking i don't even call to check on him or even have him for holidays. He knew i had a child before we married and he was ok with it until two years when my ex took me to court to get visitation rights. At first my husband was ok with it but as the child kept visiting his dad in summer and his dad calling once in a while he said he cant take it anymore. Should i just leave him? he gave me two choices either my son or him.


What in the F? 

Your son or him? I hope you make the right decision here. 

My mother has a good friend who was in this situation. Her husband, the d-uchebag, told her after being married many years, that she could either send off her daughter to live overseas with her grandma or get a divorce (he knew she had a daughter before they married). She did it. That was eons ago. Her daughter resents her now with every fiber of her being. She has never been back to her mother's home. I hear allll the time this woman talking about what an a$$ her husband is and she's constantly saying she's going to leave him. Um, sure. He's abusive and I'm pretty sure he hits her though not confirmed--he is at minimum mentally abusive, always threatening her, etc.

What's more important? D!ck or your son? 

Does your husband offer crazy ultimatums in other areas of your life? Does he call all the shots??


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## peterpan (Sep 15, 2011)

we were never married and never lived together. he was never in his life until i went to file for custody so my husband will adopt my son and that is when he objecte hired a lawyer and was given visitation rights. it was a nasty long battle that came down to this. in fact he only sees him in summer! the child knows my husband more than his dad. my sons dad is stubborn and will not work with me he Does not keep his visitation and the courts says he does not have to. have i answered your questions?
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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

peterpan said:


> *he has some ideologies that are not for common man*. He says that he feels like an outsider since my ex is active in my son's life.





peterpan said:


> *He is battling some personal issues *


Explain.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

peterpan said:


> we were never married and never lived together. he was never in his life until i went to file for custody so my husband will adopt my son and that is when he objecte hired a lawyer and was given visitation rights. it was a nasty long battle that came down to this. in fact he only sees him in summer! the child knows my husband more than his dad. my sons dad is stubborn and will not work with me he Does not keep his visitation and the courts says he does not have to. have i answered your questions?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm sorry but I don't see how any of this has to do with your husband offering up such a ridiculous ultimatum. He wasn't around before (the father) but he is now. Deal with that. He has a right to see his child. Your husband is an immature baffoon if he doesn't understand that. He married a woman with a child, this is how it goes. To tell you to send your son off until he is 14 is an unreasonable request.

It's concerning me that you're defending your husband's ideology here.


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## peterpan (Sep 15, 2011)

yes he tries to run the shots. he says I run 2 homes one with my son one with him
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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

What are the "ideologies" and "personal issues" you mentioned?

Elaborate please.


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## peterpan (Sep 15, 2011)

You will have to send me an email its private
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## peterpan (Sep 15, 2011)

Well the ideologies are that for him to be the man of the house he should be able to call the shots like making me send the child. this is the only area we have arguments on.
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## rikithemonk (Jun 8, 2011)

I figured that there is more to the story. 

I hate when people here do this. My completely unreasonable spouse has demanded (Whatever) and Im telling you all just to hear you agree with me. BUT im not going to tell you the completely insane chaos that happened with caused this ultimatum. 

So basically this deadbeat dad comes out of nowhere and forces an expensive court battle in addition to all the stress and emotional drama in your previously calm home. Now the biological father is making appointments and doing no shows, having arguments with both you and your husband, and coming around being extremely disruptive because he is a stubborn jerk. 

Your husband has a good idea. He quite clearly sees the future and is smart enough to know how bad its going to get. He knows what is going to happen and you obviously don't. This stubborn jerk is going to be a daily disruption for years. Just to be a thorn in your side. BUT he is a deadbeat father with no real intention of taking care of his kid. History is very clear on that. By giving him your kid, you force his hand. He cant play basketball with the boys, he cant date easily. Your husband knows that he will dump the kid back to you in a month. This will also buy you breathing room because once he dumps the kid, he will lay low for months. That personality type is that way.

I hope you realize that your past has fatally poisoned your marriage. Its only a matter of time before your husband gets tired of the drama and leaves. Men put up with a lot of stuff, but drama at home is a deal breaker. Home is where we go to unwind, to re balance from the chaos of the workday.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I feel sorry for the kid in this whole scenario. He's being treated like a chess piece.


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## rikithemonk (Jun 8, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> I feel sorry for the kid in this whole scenario. He's being treated like a chess piece.


I feel worse for the husband. 

He is in an absolutely un-winnable position. 

He tried to do the right thing for the kid by adopting it only to wake a sleeping dragon.

He tried to protect his family through the courts, only to loose and rack up massive court and lawyer fees.

Now because of the courts decision he has absolutely no power at all in the situation 

Not to mention that an ex boyfriend now has full access to his wife.

Just how would it make you feel to LIVE that every day? Just imagine it. Having zero control of your life like that and not being able to do a thing about it.


Men don't like not having options. We hate being powerless. Plus the stress and chaos this guy is going to go out of his way to cause. The husbands going to bolt. That's the only sane option he has. I give this marriage absolutely no chance.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

rikithemonk said:


> I feel worse for the husband.
> 
> He is in an absolutely un-winnable position.
> 
> ...


No it's not. 

I went through this. My husband is still firmly in place and we successfully navigated the nonsense with my ex for my son. I was never asked to choose between my son or my marriage, and any man that does something like that needs to have his head examined. If you don't like dealing with the possibility of a childs father being in his life (however he chooses to do it) then you shouldn't date/marry a woman with a child.

My ex is a complete pain in the you know what. Has been from the time we divorced (my son was 2). My husband and I got married when my son was 9. He's now 18. We've spent 1000's in court over the years, and you know what? We'd do it again. It was for my son, not for me, not for him. We did what we had to do to make my ex be accountable. He didn't get to be a deadbeat, I made sure of that, and I had the full support of my husband in the process.

I get that men don't like having no options. But there are ALWAYS options available. It's more about what you will and will NOT do. Choices.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I feel sorry for the child, too.

His stepdad is an a$$hat. "Me or your son?" Seriously? WTF. It's disgusting.


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## peterpan (Sep 15, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> I'm sorry but I don't see how any of this has to do with your husband offering up such a ridiculous ultimatum. He wasn't around before (the father) but he is now. Deal with that. He has a right to see his child. Your husband is an immature baffoon if he doesn't understand that. He married a woman with a child, this is how it goes. To tell you to send your son off until he is 14 is an unreasonable request.
> 
> It's concerning me that you're defending your husband's ideology here.


You are very right i should not defend him its just the thought of divorce
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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Divorce sucks. Nobody WANTS to be put through the ringer, but really, if your husband doesn't understand the dynamics of this family that HE CHOSE, then you may just have to tell him to kick rocks and find his happiness elsewhere.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

peterpan said:


> You are very right i should not defend him its just the thought of divorce
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well yeah. Divorce sucks. Totally. Nobody marries thinking they will ever divorce.

In your case he's stated clearly--it's either the marriage to him or having your child in your life.

That is pretty clear cut to me. It's sick he'd even issue that ultimatum, IMO.


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## peterpan (Sep 15, 2011)

True but he is quilty to leave because i have supported him thro college and he has just landed his 200k job after me working 2 jobs for over 4 years for us! on top of his other personal mis fortunes that are beyond us
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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

So you support him through school and now he gets the job he wants and is looking for a way out? 
Sorry to go there on that one but he knew what the possibities where when you got married. To me he is looking for an excuse.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

peterpan said:


> True but he is quilty to leave because i have supported him thro college and he has just landed his 200k job after me working 2 jobs for over 4 years for us! on top of his other personal mis fortunes that are beyond us
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


A man that feels guilty about leaving you doesn't issue ultimatums to do just that. That doesn't even make sense. 

Again, it sounds like you're defending him. He's mad that his little apple cart has been turned over. Your ex is a pain-in-the-ass, and that's unfortunate, *but* if your husbands answer is to bail on you in the midst of this rather than support you, then you may want to re-evaluate and realize what type of man you married.


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## peterpan (Sep 15, 2011)

You are right i feel he is looking for an excuse after all we've invested on this marriage plus i have had to sacrifice my life on his behalf although the situation was not of his making so why can't he sacrifice for me and help me raise my son!
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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Yeah I agree. It sounds like you're making excuses for him. So you helped him along with his career, now he's making lots of $ and he tells you flat out to give up your kid or he won't stick around?

Wow.


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## peterpan (Sep 15, 2011)

Yes that's what i get he knows i can't send my son to his dad who has no job now and just got divorced plus he is staying with his brother! he knows he can't take care of my son besides i won't let that happen
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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

You need to tell him
Look d-bag (sorry don't know his name but he sounds like one) you know there is no way in hell I am just gonna throw my son to the wolves and let him live a sh!t life because we need to deal with his dad every once in a while. You are either in or out and need to make up your f!cking mind one way or another right now.

Something along those lines. I am guessing he will either chose the latter or he will not make it a as big on an issue from here on in. Unfortunately he will probibly chose the latter and you need to be ready for this.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

peterpan said:


> Yes that's what i get he knows i can't send my son to his dad who has no job now and just got divorced plus he is staying with his brother! he knows he can't take care of my son besides i won't let that happen
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Well you *can* send your son to his father, but it wouldn't be what's in his best interest. Why would you put your child through that?


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## peterpan (Sep 15, 2011)

Thanks i will let him know my stand! my son stays. i had comprised to have my son here on holidays but my husband says not even holidays! until he is a teenager and can come on his own. god forbid.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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