# Do you hope your spouse will find you on here?



## Cesar (Aug 11, 2014)

Just curious,

Do you ever feel sometimes your spouse just maybe doesn't understand? Maybe if they were able to see your insecurity or inner thoughts it might help?
Has anyone on purpose left the site open and logged in just so spouse would find it?
I just joined, but me no I wouldn't consider it. I honestly think my situation is what it is. 
My spouse has always been LD it used to be consistant of twice a month, then once every 2 months and so on. Last few years its been terrible! Oddly enough prior to 4 years ago being overweight for her was a huge excuse. She has now lost 140 lbs but nothing changed infact its gotten much worse. Its been 9 months since the last time she, shows no affection and spends most of her time with her friends(all girls , so I am not invited). Its normal to spend 7-8 Saturdays by myself.
I think its a combination of LD and she just isn't attracted to me.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

If I were you, I would ask her to come here. I think it would be great for her to see what you have written. I think it could soften her heart, and help her understand you better.

Really, what would be the harm?


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## roostr (Oct 20, 2012)

I can't speak for everyone but in my case the only reason I found this site was because I was having big problems and was seeking support and advice/answers. TAM has really helped me understand a lot about relationships and even myself. I would have liked my wife to see what I was going through with her at the time of D-day and post D-day so she could have seen the damage in black and white. But now I'm here for maintenance purposes lol. So now I would prefer her not to see my posts. I would love to see her inner thoughts but she would never join and post because she is too narcissistic and improving our marriage is low on her priority list.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

OP, I would suggest you sit down with your wife and tell her your feelings. I would also tell her about lack of frequency and ask her why there is intimacy negligence going on?

Personally, I wouldn't stay married to a women like this. I need intimacy on regular basis, without it, its a deal breaker.

Your wife should not only know your sexual needs, but she should make sure she goes up and beyond to satisfy you.

Does she realize what will happen in time? You will either end the marriage or find it elsewhere.

Not smart, it blows my mind how many women make this mistake.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

They don't care if you end the marriage or seek intimacy elsewhere. That is simply validation, the icing on the cake.

Do you think they act surprised when they find out? No...


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## Juice (Dec 5, 2013)

Sorry to hear your story. That's sad. I personally could not go on in a marriage like this. 

As far as showing my wife my post and what I'm thinking has crossed my mind. It wouldn't matter because ever thing that I have wrote has been brought up in conversation that we've had. You should really communicate with her and tell her your feelings. 

About her going out all the time. Do you think she might be getting the D somewhere else? 

Also if she is going out all the time. Make it your turn to go out. It's only fair and maybe she'll see how it feels to sit home and twiddle your thumbs. 

Good luck

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Cesar said:


> Just curious,
> She has now lost 140 lbs but nothing changed infact its gotten much worse. Its been 9 months since the last time she, shows no affection and spends most of her time with her friends(all girls , so I am not invited). Its normal to spend 7-8 Saturdays by myself.
> I think its a combination of LD and she just isn't attracted to me.


You may want to consider the possibility that your wife is having an affair. This would be 2 red flags: sudden weight loss, spending all her time with friends - especially if it involves going out to night spots on Sat night.


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## Samayouchan (Jun 1, 2012)

roostr said:


> I can't speak for everyone but in my case the only reason I found this site was because I was having big problems and was seeking support and advice/answers


ME too. And yes I do wish that he would see what I post but most of the time I end up taking the advice I get here and using it. It always helps.:smthumbup:


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

I'm vulnerable with my husband. He's the one that truly shares in my inner thoughts, insecurities, faults, lows and highs - than I would share with TAM. While reading here has helped me with perspective, the best thing for our marriage has been owning our sh!t and most of all, improving our communication. We have a greater understanding of ourselves and one another as a result. From there we're more equipped and willing to meet each others needs.

He knows that I post, he could read if he wanted but he has no interest in forums. Let TAM be a tool if it helps, but any progress occurring in your relationship will be from your own accountability and working on your marriage together.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

I prefer to keep this place to myself. Everything I've posted here, my wife has heard from my own mouth, but I've also given out a lot of personal information (and theories...) about her, which she would not appreciate, even though our identities are kept private. If she stumbled upon TAM, which is possible, I doubt she'd figure out who I am, unless she reads all of my posts, in which she'd definitely recognize herself. My nickname here isn't my real name or initials or anything, so just poking around here wouldn't "out" me.

I don't know, to me, TAM is a place to vent and also seek advice, or both at the same time. Speaking my mind here is a cross between seeing a therapist and talking to a friend. The only friends I have that I would feel comfortable discussing things like this with are women, and that's not a good option, as much of our issues revolve around sex. My guy friends aren't quite as sensitive or understanding as I can be, so that's not an option.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

FWIW, OP, you're likely going to get a lot of people here telling you to keep your eyes open in regards to your wife, and for good reason. Dramatic weight loss, always going out with friends especially on weekends, no intimacy or sex at home - they ARE all red flags.

However, you know your wife better than any of us here do, so trust your own instincts, not just the checklist of red flags.

Whether she's having an affair, is out trolling for guys for casual stuff, or genuinely is just out with the girls and is otherwise faithful to you - there is still a huge problem in your marriage.

Further info, if you're willing to provide it, will give others a clearer picture of your predicament, and may also help you to open your eyes to something you may never have thought of.

For example, are these friends that she goes out with single, or married? Where do they typically go and what do they do? What time does she come home at, usually? Does she get dressed up, makeup on, or does she go out in jeans and a t-shirt? Is she reachable when she's out, particularly later in the evening, by text or phone? Is she distant or aloof the next day, or does she appear nicer/closer to you?

And silly things that most people don't think of - does she do laundry immediately the next morning? Shower right away? Avoid kissing you until she's showered/brushed her teeth?


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## Cesar (Aug 11, 2014)

Thanks for posting,

In past I had my tried and true ways to get intimacy in past. The good old massage used to work but she knew where it was going and now declines it. I have tried to have "the talk" infact I have had it 4-5 times in last nine months and nothing. She seems to listen and says "Why didn't you say anything?" I assumed having the conversation 4-5 times was saying something. It just goes in her ears and then put in the recycle bin.

As I might have mentioned she has become a gym rat, so mon-thursday I get home from work and she is at the gym and comes home an hour after I get home. She then plops on the couch with her laptop and falls asleep there. Saturday she goes to gym in the morning and later in the night goes to one of the girls places. its very normal to leave at 7:30 and earliest she gets home is 1am sometimes 5am. I have told her we need time together and set up date night. I remind her a few days before. On day of date she states her friends invited her over and do I mind if she goes. I mention we had plans for say a movie and she will say "can we go tomorrow?" If I say yes then she goes and then next day movie gets blown off as there is things that has to be done. If I decline her going to friends she sabotages the night. Example we had a movie in mind she will say she doesn't feel like that movie or any other movie. I say what about dinner? she says no she doesn't want to spend the money. She proceeds to poo poo all my ideas, we end up sitting in doing nothing and she makes sure I am miserable.

OP mentioned to me if she goesout then I should do it. We moved to an area where I don't know anyone. My friends from my old city are all married with children and don't have time to hang out or have other plans.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

lost 140 lbs, still no sex, plays with "female friends"?

At he "gym" all day AND weekends, blows of any date you set up?

It could be a whole lot of things guys. THey may have a F BUddy on the side, they may have become lesbian, they may have become totally LD and the thought of sex with you is as distant as pluto, they may have checked out of the relationship and don't want to be bothered, they may just innocently have become jerks. 

I guess if I was being disrespected that much by my wife, I would do a lot of snooping.  If I found nothing a week or two later, I would sit her down and say "hey, our marriage has hit rock bottom and you do not seem to notice. If we can not improve it immediately, I will be leaving...." and see what she DOES about it. 

If no action on her part, I would start the divorce, or maybe join a monastery to at least make my sexual abstinence mean something spiritual.


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## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

any kids? I'd assume no, or else she's very neglectful of them too.

how's your weight? why haven't you joined her at the gym? why did she decide to lose that weight?

you've talked to her 4 or 5 times, and she ignores you because there are no consequences for her.

I'd check for an affair (follow her to the gym, var in car, keylogger, etc), and if nothing in a few weeks, tell her you need to see some improvement (twice a week), or that she'll agree it's a problem and will go to counseling starting now. 

It could be a medical issue too, so a complete physical is needed. Is she on antidepressants? birth control? etc?

If talking to her hasn't helped, I doubt her reading your messages here would help.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

no, not hoping for here. But I DO hope she is hitting up marriage and sex sites to figure out how to get her libido up! She has the notion that "it is normal" to seldom have sex as an older couple. I keep telling her that quaint notion is WRONG.


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