# How to prove to her that she's attractive?



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I made the mistake a while back of posting a thread titled "I'm solely attracted to her personality". Things were really tough back then but she read that thread. It has cut her up however.

People who know us or seen photos always tell us that she's beautiful and sexy etc etc. But since cutting her up it's been difficult reaffirming my desire for my wife. I've explained to her the situation and how she shouldn't read me word by word, but to put two and two together and understand why I wrote such BS.

I do love her but in my blindness I've robbed myself of the ability to truly make her feel my love for her. So in other words -> I'm f--ked. She does seem to have listened, but it's obvious that she still carries the pain.

How can I help her?


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Trenton said it all. This is a tough one... for every comment that is in the negative, they say it takes 10 or more in the affirmative to even that score... Your desire for her sexually, flirting, building her up - I would think these things would be huge on the physically attracting scale. 

Some things I guess we never forget, can't be erased from our psyche... this might be one of them, unfortunetly.

But you got one GOOD thing going for you Random Dude.. you talk out of your Butt quite often & quite freely... so this should be very comforting to her. 

I mean that in a good way, you know! :smthumbup:


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

that is tough. 

When i first met my wife i did not think she was the most beautiful woman ever or anything like that. I now think that idk i thought she was so freaking cute and pretty but not the best thing ever. I fell in love with her for who she is. 

I would never tell her though that i did not think of her as a 10/10. Id like to to prove how much i love her for who she is but i know it would probably be a good idea to not say such a thing. Just like you never call your wife fat or overweight.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Actions. Body language. Words. All of those feed into how she thinks you see her. Use all of them to show her, tell her, and feel her in ways that make her see how you appreciate her beauty.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Well, her refusal to work is a seperate issue, and the reason I'm not happy with it is due to KNOWING of her ability and potential. She can succeed in anything she puts her mind to, she's actually getting quite good at her new hobby too which is JJJ. 

I don't belittle her work at home either, she's a good mother and the house is well maintained, she knows this and that it's how I feel -> I'm more worried about how she spends her time as she has a ton of free time nowadays. However, I'm starting to see how this can also make her feel inadequate... =/ 

As for me talking out of my butt lol yes -> that is my saving grace from completely crushing her as she didn't take everything to heart.
Despite her accepting my apology and explanation however, her confidence is still shot. I've been initiating a lot more but I've noticed she's no longer very comfortable when she teases or flirts.

A part of me wonders though if she is using my mistake to guilt trip me as she has been getting what she has always wanted though -> Me to NEVER reject her. I have not rejected her since no matter her demands sexually. So in a way she got hurt but yet also managed to pacify me enough to never say no to her.


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## bkaydezz (Jul 9, 2012)

Things that i am insecure about on my body, i want my boyfriend to touch.Most people dont, but if he notices something bothers me and stops paying it attention i automatically think he hates it.
But showing me that he doesnt and touching me there more often makes me feel like he loves it. 

You can be insecure about a million and one things, but your other support is there to play sow and tell. If that partner doesnt put in the effort letting her know by touch or say regularly then its really going to make her feel undesirable. 

What sorts of thigns were posted in that thread that bothered her the most?


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

One thing that made me feel beautiful (this was long before my husband turned out to be who he is right now) is when he kissed me from head to toe (well, not toe...ankle) I don't have pretty feet. I'm not insecure about them, it's just the luck of the duck-footed draw lol... but anyway, he told me everything he liked/loved about my body as I did that and it was a major ego boost/confirming experience that he did in fact think I was beautiful.

Touch your wife. Not just in cheeky/sexy/playful ways (though that's good too) but come up behind her and wrap your arms around her at unexpected times like when she's doing the dishes. Hug her, kiss her cheek, kiss her on the neck!

Tell her when she looks good, beautiful, attractive. Compliment how her hair looks, her jeans fit, that color brings out her eyes... etc.

Let her catch you checking her out or overhear you saying something about how hot/beautiful she is to someone else. 

She might be milking it but being told that your spouse doesn't find you attractive is also kind of hard to get over right away. I know if my SO told me/I read about him not being physically attracted to me, I would be crushed and feel very insecure about how he sees me. I wouldn't take her feelings about this lightly. It is a big deal to a woman to be attractive to her man.

Still, you've already taken the first step in apologizing and explaining that it's not what you meant. Only your actions, kind words and the consistency of those reaffirming words and actions over time can do the rest.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

You have to reaffirm her in every way possible. For one, I'd highly recommend listening to the audio book or reading the book "The 5 Love Languages" (there's two reasons. one is to learn your wife's the other I'll get to below)

1. Eat your complaints like the crow they are. Try and go 1 day, then 1 week then 1 month etc. without complaining about anything. It won't be easy but try.

2. Be engaging. Pay attention to her, compliment the outfit she wore YESTERDAY!!! Most days, find something to compliment her. (even if it's "Those sweat pants shape your a$$ really nicely, WOW!") but skip somedays so you can say to her the following day something like "I wanted you to know, when you were standing in the kitchen when I got home, with your hair in a ponytail..your eyes were GORGEOUS". Knowing you found her attractive, and then knowing that it was a big enough impact to make you bring it up the next day...will go far with making her feel special.

3. Take time to recognize the small things she does as a mother, caretaker etc. Nothing over the top, but recognize SPECIFIC things. "I really liked how you handles XYZ situation with our daughter, you're an amazing mom".

4. Be flirty. As much as you giving a little whistle, or growl sound or anything you can think of may be outwardly received as bad, she's eating it up. Everyone likes compliments. I wouldn't recommend this for everyone, but I've even gone to the lengths of (when I get aroused and there are no kids around) drop my drawers and tell her "Look what you did here" and then walk through the room with my pants around my ankles....It's hard not to laugh when a guy is walking around with his pants around his ankles. BUT I know my wife gets TONS of confidence when she does something (sometimes innocently, sometimes not) and I'm instantly sprung. 

5. And KEEP DOING WHAT WORKS!! Also be prepared for the "Why are you acting like this" "Come on, what's the deal here" "You're just trying to make me feel good, I know how you really feel" type of comments. To this, you need to respond in a very heartfelt way "This isn't an act. I realized that I said things that in reality I didn't and don't feel. I've also failed as a husband in one very important way. When I realized how much what I said hurt you, I went looking for ways to change how I communicate my love and feelings for you to you. Not verbally, but in every way. I read "The 5 Love Languages" and realized I had failed at speaking your "language" and I've promised myself that I'm going to fix that. It wasn't fair to you, and more importantly, it wasn't fair to ME that I wasn't showing you what I truly felt. So I don't promise that I'll always be perfect, but I do promise to be the best man and husband I can be for you." Make it about you, not her.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

^Those are actually really good pointers, alright... I'm going to follow those guidelines and make a daily decision to do my best to stick by them. I just hope she sees this in the end.

I'm also wondering if I should tell her another truth in relation to that topic. The truth is that I've actually been lying to myself in regards to her beauty due to racial-cultural issues I have with her (and her people). I tried to train myself to not find her attractive as I was conflicted with indecision choosing between my own people's ethnic survival (which is dying due to intermixing) and my own wife.

I'm over that now however, and the reason I didn't want to bring it up with her is due to it being old news and I don't want it to respark old pains. But now I wonder if this will also help the healing process in addition to those 5 steps.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Wow. As much as I'm a HUGE proponent of putting everything on the table. At this point, you need to hold that information back. AT THIS STAGE...it would help YOU heal but stop her from healing so no, don't bring it up.

Maybe in the future, when she's 100% secure you can approach it, but that's a REALLY conflicting thought process. I'm not even sure how you could approach it frankly and if you've realized just how CRAZY it is to think that way and then be married to a woman who goes against that.......Yeah....This one is beyond my arm chair analyzational ability.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Dad&Hubby -- you TRULY are an analyzer, loved that post with your 5 points -well thought out and thorough !


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Yeah, I'd better not, it's my secret to keep heh

It was in the past, nowadays I really just don't give a damn. But I was conflicted alot, and as such, ended up sabotaging my own marriage. My people live in desperate times to preserve what little we have. Intermixing is a heavy and continous debate at present. Traditionally, we are all for it - but modern times; many see that as our biggest weakness as a culture and people. In other words, they reckon we fk around too much.

It is not hate against particular ethnics mind you, it's rather caution after seeing generations after generations of our people assimilate into different foreign cultures due to intense intermixing. There's no right or wrong opinion in this issue.

The one comfort I have however is that I know my love for her is real, and even if I was to abandon her for a woman from my background, it would make no sense as she'll always be that one woman who has taken me to hell and back and continues to drive me insane. Nah, no one else can compare... so meh, fk it! I wanna keep my crazy wife


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

RandomDude said:


> Yeah, I'd better not, it's my secret to keep heh
> 
> It was in the past, nowadays I really just don't give a damn. But I was conflicted alot, and as such, ended up sabotaging my own marriage. My people live in desperate times to preserve what little we have. Intermixing is a heavy and continous debate at present. Traditionally, we are all for it - but modern times; many see that as our biggest weakness as a culture and people. In other words, they reckon we fk around too much.
> 
> ...


Much applause RD. As much as we feel we should be perfect for our spouses (when we truly love them). We can't. We're not perfect (I suffer from this issue BIG TIME). All we can do is to work on the areas which don't show love to our SO's.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Heh alot of my wife's imperfections make her perfect for me actually I guess, such as her frustrating stubbornness for some reason lol

It's... cute... lol


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