# Don't feel married anymore, except on paper?



## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

OK, so WS broke our vows. Do the rest of you feel like you're not really married anymore because of this? Like until the WS renews their vows it's not really valid? Does that make sense?

I had to pick up a wedding card today and it made me want to puke! Personally, since he kept his betrayal from me for nine years I feel none of those years count. 

Like really how many years have we actually been married? Eight years or seventeen? 

And I don't feel I should wear my rings anymore until he makes it good again.

Just wondering if others feel the same way. 

I think he needs to renew the vows to me, then I start thinking he didn't take them seriously the first time, so what good is a second time gonna do... Then I think if he renews do we pick up at nine years for our anniversary? Silly thoughts I guess.


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## lostagain! (Jul 31, 2012)

I have to completely agree. We have currently been together 13 years now but the first 12 was filled with his cheating. I wish I could say it was an A here or there but it has been ongoing for the first 12 years and I feel like a fool thinking that he truly loved me and that we were happily married. I feel its all been a lie and even if we try to continue to R, what will it matter truly. I don't wear my rings anymore because they are just a hurtful reminder of how gullible and blind I was. I don't even think renewing vows would change the hurt and the pain he has caused.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Each one of us is different. If his betrayal is a dealbraker for you, like it was with me and others, then no amount of secondary vows will suffice. Nevertheless, there are others who want to make the effort to R for their own piece of mind, and for this reason we should NOT denigrate them for viewing a renewal of vows as a sign of burying the old marriage and giving birth to another. Just my two cents.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

I agree with the OP - I began the divorce process with the intention of doing it whether we reconciled or not and told my WW what I was doing.

As it happens, I still can't divorce her because of a legal mess up but as soon as that is sorted it is straight back to plan A for me.

If she proves herself I might re marry her, but as it stands she broke the vows and, as far as I am concerned, we are no longer married.


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## toolforgrowth (Apr 24, 2012)

My STBXW left and had an affair and wanted to keep me on the backburner. D papers were filed a while back and is proceeding. I am still married on paper as well, but not in spirit.

I have my own place, my own bank account, my own bills, and a wonderful girlfriend. My family knows about her (except for my w and kids) and they think she's the greatest thing since sliced bread. I have NO qualms about being with her...none. My w broke our wedding vows, they are null and void. As far as I'm concerned I can do as I please with no regrets, and I have none.

Technically, I suppose I am also having an affair. But I just don't see it that way. I did everything I could to save my marriage; w was having none of it. So I now live my life for me and haven't looked back. At some point, we have to take our own happiness into consideration and stop living for them and live for ourselves.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

Chris989 said:


> If she proves herself I might re marry her, but as it stands she broke the vows and, as far as I am concerned, we are no longer married.


Chris, you're a braver man than me.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

hurtingbadly said:


> OK, so WS broke our vows. Do the rest of you feel like you're not really married anymore because of this? Like until the WS renews their vows it's not really valid? Does that make sense?
> 
> I had to pick up a wedding card today and it made me want to puke! Personally, since he kept his betrayal from me for nine years I feel none of those years count.
> 
> ...


Did he cheat 9 years ago and then stop? Or did he cheat for the entire 9 years?


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> Did he cheat 9 years ago and then stop? Or did he cheat for the entire 9 years?


As far as I've been told a ONS nine years ago on a business trip and then a possible EA with a coworker (Doubts on the extent of the emotions and if it really wasn't a PA, he will admit he shouldn't have been that close to a female, but won't admit to anything else.) The EA ended four years ago. Personally, now that I know about the ONS I doubt all his business trips moving forward from the ONS nine years back. DDay about ONS was ten months ago.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

hurtingbadly said:


> As far as I've been told a ONS nine years ago on a business trip and then a possible EA with a coworker (Doubts on the extent of the emotions and if it really wasn't a PA, he will admit he shouldn't have been that close to a female, but won't admit to anything else.) The EA ended four years ago. Personally, now that I know about the ONS I doubt all his business trips moving forward from the ONS nine years back. DDay about ONS was ten months ago.


Well... if it was 'just' a one night stand 9 years ago I would not consider the last 9 years a loss. Sometimes even good people do really really really stupid things.

Often people who cheat are advised, even by counselors, to not tell what they did. The reasoning given is that the only reason for telling would be to get rid of their own guilt at their spouse's expense. So they are advised to protect their spouse and make it up to them every day by loving their spouse more. This is very common advice.

How did you find out about a one night stand years ago? Did he tell you? Why now?


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> Well... if it was 'just' a one night stand 9 years ago I would not consider the last 9 years a loss. Sometimes even good people do really really really stupid things.
> 
> Often people who cheat are advised, even by counselors, to not tell what they did. The reasoning given is that the only reason for telling would be to get rid of their own guilt at their spouse's expense. So they are advised to protect their spouse and make it up to them every day by loving their spouse more. This is very common advice.
> 
> How did you find out about a one night stand years ago? Did he tell you? Why now?


Well, we've been to one MC and three IC and all had the attitude he shouldn't have told me. I'm afraid this has given him the excuse to not be completely honest with me. 

I had been reeling for several years over a positive HPV test I had. I kept on him cause I thought it was from his coworker. I came on here, got the idea of the poly, threatened him with it and he finally broke down and said he never touched the coworker, but had a ONS nine years ago. I still feel I haven't been given the entire story, though. He says the ONS was a BJ, it doesn't really add up.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

hurtingbadly said:


> And I don't feel I should wear my rings anymore until he makes it good again.
> 
> Just wondering if others feel the same way.
> 
> I think he needs to renew the vows to me, then I start thinking he didn't take them seriously the first time, so what good is a second time gonna do... Then I think if he renews do we pick up at nine years for our anniversary? Silly thoughts I guess.


hb,

Not silly at all. There is no playbook carved in stone for R from a betrayal like infidelity. 

I too rejected the idea of renewing vows with my WW. What's the point, they obviously meant so little in that she would serially cheat for years without ever feeling remorse to stop.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

hurtingbadly said:


> Well, we've been to one MC and three IC and all had the attitude he shouldn't have told me. I'm afraid this has given him the excuse to not be completely honest with me.
> 
> I had been reeling for several years over a positive HPV test I had. I kept on him cause I thought it was from his coworker. I came on here, got the idea of the poly, threatened him with it and he finally broke down and said he never touched the coworker, but had a ONS nine years ago. I still feel I haven't been given the entire story, though. He says the ONS was a BJ, it doesn't really add up.


Why doesn't a ONS w/BJ add up for HPV?


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> Why doesn't a ONS w/BJ add up for HPV?


Cause the chances of him contacting HPV from this girl only giving him a BJ is extremely small. Now, the S*$T had just had sex with his buddy so who knows... He says he doesn't know if she gave his friend a BJ, too only knows they had intercourse.


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

RWB said:


> hb,
> 
> Not silly at all. There is no playbook carved in stone for R from a betrayal like infidelity.
> 
> I too rejected the idea of renewing vows with my WW. What's the point, they obviously meant so little in that she would serially cheat for years without ever feeling remorse to stop.


But, don't you also feel the marriage isn't legit if the vows were broken? I'm torn. I feel he needs to renew, but think they won't matter cause they didn't before. Weird. 

Also, he told me he wanted to renew them when he was still in trickle truth mode. So he would have renewed them even still lying to me.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

hurtingbadly said:


> But, don't you also feel the marriage isn't legit if the vows were broken? I'm torn. I feel he needs to renew, but think they won't matter cause they didn't before. Weird.
> 
> Also, he told me he wanted to renew them when he was still in trickle truth mode. So he would have renewed them even still lying to me.


hb,

I am sitting exactly 3 years (dday Aug 5, 2009) from finding out my wife had been secretly serially cheating with men for 6 years running. 

To tell the truth... during those first 6 months after exposure I don't really know what I believed was true anymore. 3 years in R has given more prospective. 

... The marriage we had prior is over, Dead, the vows, the rings, the promises, and sadly a lot of the memories good and bad have been destroyed by her betrayal. It was that bad.

... While I know a lot about what happened. Probably more than most, I will never know the whole truth. It was so painful for my wife to tell me what she admitted to. I know deep down there is more. I still wonder from time to time, but I no longer ask. I know enough. 

... In R if you do accept the wayward cheater back into your life, you have to accept them as they are. While I fully believe my wife will never cheat again, the reality is she will always be unfaithful to that old marriage.


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

RWB said:


> hb,
> 
> I am sitting exactly 3 years (dday Aug 5, 2009) from finding out my wife had been secretly serially cheating with men for 6 years running.
> 
> ...


It's hard... The memories thing. I HATE the years I was in the dark were the very years of our kids being little. So every family picture I have of us on vacation, birthday parties I think he was already a cheat and I didn't know. It was all fake. I'm still struggling with this, I feel he has ruined some very special memories for me. I understand the old marriage is dead, but what about the family memories with our kids? Hard, very hard. It all feels tainted now.

Another issue I have is the old marriage wasn't bad. We had fun together, it was a decent, good marriage from my perceptive. So, now I have to throw all that in the trash and make something new? I dunno...

Where were you when you finally felt you had enough? He's given me about all he's gonna give me. Counselors have said to me what good is it gonna do you knowing more? What you know already hurts enough, you know he cheated. Yet, it bothers me BADLY I don't know what really happened behind my back.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

hb,

You are in the stage that MC call "getting back up to speed". You have been left out of the loop and it bothers all BS. A "good" marriage is never about secrets. It's about sharing all with each other... blending to one. It's very natural to want-need to know what you have missed, even when the "missed" is the horrible reality of betrayal. This contradiction is something only BS can understand.

Oh the pictures... All BS looks back through the pictures and attempt to put the memories and feelings to the dates of the affair. In my case it was years of betrayal and hundreds of pictures. One in particular, my wife and I took a vacation to the mountains alone with no kids in tow. I remember how I thought it would be a romantic getaway, in reality she argued with me about everything we did, had no interest in sex, and spent most of her time looking at her cell. In reality, she was months into a PA with her boss. The photos we took are very telling in retrospect. 

As far as knowing every detail of your husbands betrayal. Good Luck. My wife's story changed from a One-Time-Mistake to a EAPA within a few hours after confrontation. A week in, I had bits and pieces that she had been cheating for years. She broke down and detailed a 6+ year period of PA with 3 OM. 3 year later, I have found soft proof that there may have been a 4th. 

At this point what's the point. If she want's to live with guilt, that's her choice. I'm done with that. She has been broken, punished, shamed beyond compare. My focus is still vigilant, but forward.


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