# Long term marriage: conscious decoupling?



## FrayedMarriage (Jan 27, 2015)

I'm new to this forum, but hoping to invite some thoughtful feedback from others who've managed to overcome midlife crises, etc. in order to repair a long term marriage. Husband and I are married now 25 years, have an older daughter, 20 living and working on her own, and another younger daughter 16 still living at home with us. My husband has been very successful in his career, while I've been a generally content stay at home mother. Most of our marriage has been good. But in the last 5 years, we have had one crisis after another hit us that proved extremely draining: the clinical depression of older daughter that required a couple of years of exhaustive monitoring and seeking out effective treatment (a hospital, wilderness program and a subsequent therapeutic boarding school were key components, along with a very stressful battle with her high school to get appropriate attention); a botched hysterectomy that disabled me for a few months and involved a couple of follow-up surgeries; a sudden termination of my husband's nearly 15-year contract with his primary client that was the foundation of his personal consulting company; then within the last 1.5 years, positions with three different companies he went to work for and found toxic & intolerable, leaving the first two, and being fired from the last; all this happening as his mother slipped into advanced Alzheimer's and required constant care in a home, hours away from where we live, and only his aging father able to check in on her. OK, so we are clearly in the messy thick of mid-life challenges. But I have always been there: loyal and supportive, and even at our most challenged, communicative. However, we are also quite different personalities with vastly different emotional natures. While I'm less outwardly extroverted, I'm pretty open about discussing and inviting talk of feelings, while he underneath the schmoozy, charming business persona, remains an enigma, reluctant to offer such 'I feel' declarations, even when solicited, as if he truly doesn't know what he feels. We are in counseling (EFT therapy) now because I feel marooned, like we are leading separate lives and don't seem to have any compatibility any more. Since my hysterectomy 3 years ago, we attempted sex once and it was so painful and awkward for me, he didn't want to talk about it, but I knew I had changed and I wanted to at least discuss it. No. We are mostly united when it comes to our kids, but other than that, there is little to connect us, and our youngest at 16 will not be here much longer, and I fear our empty nest will be a phony facade. Previously he had rejected counseling, so as we recently began sessions, I actually became hopeful that we might be able to save the marriage. But owing to pretty constant quarreling whenever the topic is anything other than the most mundane subjects, we can't seem to stay calm without getting into a blaming pattern that revolves around past resentments and bitter feelings. He couldn't understand why I kept bringing up a particular incident as an example of why I feel my trust in him has broken: when I was awaiting my first surgery, I became tearful and scared, recalling an upsetting memory of the last time I saw my dying mother, when he snapped at me to 'pull myself together before the doctor walks in.' I felt light years away from him, like I could be comforted by anyone but him in that moment, and wished he wasn't there. When he has heard this, he is evasive and defensive, not sorry that, Wow, his wife is needing comfort, and he's really failed to get out of himself to see or offer that. It's taken multiple attempts at citing this to even get him close to volunteering that maybe what he really was feeling was relief (that the docs were taking over my pain) and possibly trying to mask fear (my suggestion). We've been told by the MC that we both have attachment issues which we are beginning to explore. I was more aware of my stuff as I had submitted to personal therapy at earlier stages of my life, even though it's still a work in progress. But husband has always had a tendency to 'medicate' or numb himself via too much alcohol. And this has surfaced at earlier phases of our marriage when his behavior has crossed the line. This has become one of the issues for us because he behaves very erratically, and disrespectfully of me when he's in these modes. Despite my attempts to hold him accountable for this by telling him it is unacceptable (i.e. driving drunk, behaving belligerently & incoherently)he has not not felt sufficent remorse to change the behavior, so any apology which is rare to get from him, is at best superficial since I feel like I'm having to coax it out of him. Meanwhile, I have never subjected him to such mercurial and unacceptable behavior. Because he fails to see how insensitive and repellent this is, I feel very little affection toward him, and cannot honestly say what good feelings I might have left for him. I'm actually trying to figure out what is left there that is not connected to our kids. I feel he has squandered all my patience, love and good will and left me exhausted, bitter and resentful, replacing me with a dog whom he appears he'd rather spend any and all of his leisure time with and yet whom I am the pathetic maid and servant of. Am I crazy, or is my husband needing to get in touch with a side of himself and the world of empathy if he wants to save our marriage?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

FrayedMarriage said:


> I'm new to this forum, but hoping to invite some thoughtful feedback from others who've managed to overcome midlife crises, etc. in order to repair a long term marriage. Husband and I are married now 25 years, have an older daughter, 20 living and working on her own, and another younger daughter 16 still living at home with us. My husband has been very successful in his career, while I've been a generally content stay at home mother. Most of our marriage has been good. But in the last 5 years, we have had one crisis after another hit us that proved extremely draining: the clinical depression of older daughter that required a couple of years of exhaustive monitoring and seeking out effective treatment (a hospital, wilderness program and a subsequent therapeutic boarding school were key components, along with a very stressful battle with her high school to get appropriate attention); a botched hysterectomy that disabled me for a few months and involved a couple of follow-up surgeries; a sudden termination of my husband's nearly 15-year contract with his primary client that was the foundation of his personal consulting company; then within the last 1.5 years, positions with three different companies he went to work for and found toxic & intolerable, leaving the first two, and being fired from the last; all this happening as his mother slipped into advanced Alzheimer's and required constant care in a home, hours away from where we live, and only his aging father able to check in on her. OK, so we are clearly in the messy thick of mid-life challenges. But I have always been there: loyal and supportive, and even at our most challenged, communicative. However, we are also quite different personalities with vastly different emotional natures. While I'm less outwardly extroverted, I'm pretty open about discussing and inviting talk of feelings, while he underneath the schmoozy, charming business persona, remains an enigma, reluctant to offer such 'I feel' declarations, even when solicited, as if he truly doesn't know what he feels. We are in counseling (EFT therapy) now because I feel marooned, like we are leading separate lives and don't seem to have any compatibility any more. Since my hysterectomy 3 years ago, we attempted sex once and it was so painful and awkward for me, he didn't want to talk about it, but I knew I had changed and I wanted to at least discuss it. No. We are mostly united when it comes to our kids, but other than that, there is little to connect us, and our youngest at 16 will not be here much longer, and I fear our empty nest will be a phony facade. Previously he had rejected counseling, so as we recently began sessions, I actually became hopeful that we might be able to save the marriage. But owing to pretty constant quarreling whenever the topic is anything other than the most mundane subjects, we can't seem to stay calm without getting into a blaming pattern that revolves around past resentments and bitter feelings. He couldn't understand why I kept bringing up a particular incident as an example of why I feel my trust in him has broken: when I was awaiting my first surgery, I became tearful and scared, recalling an upsetting memory of the last time I saw my dying mother, when he snapped at me to 'pull myself together before the doctor walks in.' I felt light years away from him, like I could be comforted by anyone but him in that moment, and wished he wasn't there. When he has heard this, he is evasive and defensive, not sorry that, Wow, his wife is needing comfort, and he's really failed to get out of himself to see or offer that. It's taken multiple attempts at citing this to even get him close to volunteering that maybe what he really was feeling was relief (that the docs were taking over my pain) and possibly trying to mask fear (my suggestion). We've been told by the MC that we both have attachment issues which we are beginning to explore. I was more aware of my stuff as I had submitted to personal therapy at earlier stages of my life, even though it's still a work in progress. But husband has always had a tendency to 'medicate' or numb himself via too much alcohol. And this has surfaced at earlier phases of our marriage when his behavior has crossed the line. This has become one of the issues for us because he behaves very erratically, and disrespectfully of me when he's in these modes. Despite my attempts to hold him accountable for this by telling him it is unacceptable (i.e. driving drunk, behaving belligerently & incoherently)he has not not felt sufficent remorse to change the behavior, so any apology which is rare to get from him, is at best superficial since I feel like I'm having to coax it out of him. Meanwhile, I have never subjected him to such mercurial and unacceptable behavior. Because he fails to see how insensitive and repellent this is, I feel very little affection toward him, and cannot honestly say what good feelings I might have left for him. I'm actually trying to figure out what is left there that is not connected to our kids. I feel he has squandered all my patience, love and good will and left me exhausted, bitter and resentful, replacing me with a dog whom he appears he'd rather spend any and all of his leisure time with and yet whom I am the pathetic maid and servant of. Am I crazy, or is my husband needing to get in touch with a side of himself and the world of empathy if he wants to save our marriage?


I am going through something similar (though we are trying to reconnect as i threatened to leave when my youngest leaves). I think many marriages hit this wall at this time of life, kids about to leave, parents passing on, in middle age and the couple begin to look back on their life and think is that all there is. I guess you have to start thinking about what you want out of your life for yourself. However, as someone pointed out to me on TAM there is no point in digging up past hurts as it only creates more resentment, you can begin to work on the marriage from here on out, whether you bring your husband along or not will depend on him. Sometimes it only needs one to start the process. Maybe you should get your hands on the literature mentioned many times on TAM and go from there, at least you will be giving it your best shot, then you decide whether you are prepared to settle or leave if it doesn't work.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

OP, I can tell you what it was like when my hubby had a mid life crises... 

I would be married over 30 years now, but at the 28th yr he had an affair. All the things you wrote we were going thur. Up to then we had a really pretty good marriage, then the mid 50 hit and everything seem to fall apart. Hub started to question how he was going to get thur it all financially as his industry was crashing, and it was all he knew how to do...son was graduating high school , and he did not handle that well at all, father died, my parents getting sick, friends dying... me having a horrible menopausal years... It all came tumbling down on him... and he found himself in the arms of another women who was there to listen. A good friend, he says, that's all she was... 

Well his good friend, brought down a good 28 year marriage at that time, and we have since been limping along trying to sort out what pieces are left behind...

I have maybe 30 more years to live, maybe out of that half healthy w no health or age issues, but one never knows... I felt safe what my life was going to be like before my hubs mid life crises, I felt safe aging with him, and protected... and knew I could face the rest of what ever life gave me bc I wasn't alone, we had each others back. .

Not that way anymore... My hubs mid life crises changes my whole life, and so far for me, not the best. 

~sammy


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