# Guys help me out? SOO confused



## music (Jul 17, 2011)

First of all, sorry about the book.

Divorced about 18 months and haven't dated in about 18 years. Have a few kids. Tried the online thing..met a whole bunch of guys and found one I really like. I'm late 30's...he's late 40's. Went out like 3 times in 2 months and took a "break" for a couple of months, went out again..had a good time, met the next week and had sex ( had a great time..texted him later and said let's do that again soon) then didn't hear from him for almost 2 weeks, except casual emails. We've only ever texted or emailed to make plans. 
Figured he got what he wanted and was done but gave it one more shot (2 weeks later, remember) and sent him an email (Thursday) asking to go out over the weekend. No answer. Sent a text the next day just in case (has told me before that he "misses" emails sometimes) and he eventually tells me I'm impatient and apologizes for the late notice but he wants to take me out Saturday (expensive and on his birthday too!). After he drops me off home and doesn't make any kind of a move!
Asked him out for the following Friday night (email) and got a "thanks for asking but I'm busy all weekend" and that was it. Since have sent him another email and another text asking if he had a minute...(wanted to see what was going on) and have had no replies. Emails sent asking "How was your day" and other ambiguous questions do get answers though. Almost everything we've done in person has been initiated by him, when I ask him out, he's almost always busy and I'm the one that primarily sends the emails etc. I don't believe he's got a wife/girlfriend he's hiding and don't believe he's sleeping with someone else. Sooo confused!

Why spend the money (he never lets me pay) and make the effort if he's not interested? Why blow me off during the week and when I ask him out if he is? Wouldn't interest from a man be expressed as wanting to see a woman more than twice, maybe three times, a month? Am I being crazy pushy by sending 4 or 5 emails/texts a week? Is this normal when dating that you only answer the texts/emails you feel like with no excuses? I'm getting ready to tell him to take a hike but as it's only been about 4 days since we went out last, thought I'd see if anyone else thought that I was being "impatient" too. Opinions?


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

Let me just say - I havent done the 'dating scene' for 25 years... however....

You're trying too hard. It must be excruciating when you think you have something to hold onto, but obviously this guy is only going to give you the time of day when its convient. Listen to what your head and heart are saying - other than your desire for companionship perhaps.

You dont need to tell him to take a hike, but when he calls... and trust me, he *will*... then you can decide if you think its really worth the trouble or just brush it off and say 'hey, thanks.. maybe some other time." I'd go cold turkey on the email/texts and yes 4-5 a week is way too much if you are getting no replies.

Sounds to me like too much of a wobbly start to bother with?


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Deejo answered this one a while back, I hadn’t even thought about it.

If a man wants you, you will know and you’ll be in no uncertain terms about it.

That’s how I am, if I want a particular woman she’s knows I do. And if the converse is true, she knows about that as well. Sorry, but he doesn’t want you. At least not in the way you want him to want you.

Good luck with finding your new partner in life. I’m almost totally convinced they’re not found online but in our everyday activities, shopping, sports that sort of thing so keep you eyes open as to who’s looking at you!


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## music (Jul 17, 2011)

Thanks guys. My gut tells me to hold out for someone who wants to spend more time with me. Wish me luck. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

AFEH said:


> ..I’m almost totally convinced they’re not found online but in our everyday activities, shopping, sports that sort of thing so keep you eyes open as to who’s looking at you!...


I used to think that too until my brother met his future wife that way.. online dating site. Both divorcees. They have been together about 5+ years and they are great together - in some ways they are made for each other, its groovy to see. It happens sometimes, I guess!


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## music (Jul 17, 2011)

Well hopefully the online thing will work for me. Going out with kids is, I've found, a great deterrant to meeting nice, single guys. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

music said:


> Well hopefully the online thing will work for me. Going out with kids is, I've found, a great deterrant to meeting nice, single guys.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think moving on is a good decision - good luck!

Wouldn't think the kids would matter much - as long as you aren't dragging them along on every date!!!


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## Batman64 (Nov 25, 2011)

I'd put him on the back, back burner. I get the feeling he is involved with someone else and just acting like a pinball with the other free time in his life.


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## JustaJerk (Dec 2, 2011)

> had a great time..texted him later and said let's do that again soon


By this do you mean sex? Or did you mean to say _go out again_.

Either way, he pretty much got what he wanted so don't waste your time. Even if he gets back to you, I don't think you should indulge him... too much time has passed.


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## music (Jul 17, 2011)

Ya.. I meant the sex.  Then he waited 2 weeks, took me out on his birthday and didn't try to jump me or anything....

I know men say that women are confusing but come on now.....?


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## JustaJerk (Dec 2, 2011)

Like you said... you haven't dated in 18 years. You'd be surprised what's out there nowadays- FWB(friends with benefits).


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Decide what YOU want. Don't ever, ever, focus on what you think the other person wants ... especially not when dating.

This guy was 'dating' you ... and that included sex. Some people attach very different terms to a relationship once sex is involved.

Don't mean to sound harsh, but he wasn't all that into you.

I strongly advise anyone, male or female coming out of a long term relationship to pick up a dating book.

My online experiences have been overwhelmingly positive. But I have a very specific 'code' for dating. Recommend that you do the same.

Of the utmost importance for you if you are just starting?

Focus on 'dating' ... not finding a relationship. 
The goal is to learn about people ... and importantly, yourself.
At 46, I'm far pickier about whom I choose to spend time with, or make an emotional investment in than I ever was dating as a young man.

I follow the 'rule of 3'. I usually date, interact, or correspond with at least 3 people at a time, and narrow the field from there. Highly recommend it. 

One thing I can tell you unequivocally about the online dating world, if you don't have thick skin, you will need to work on it. 

I have had far more dates that were flops, than were romantic successes. But to me, that's ok. It's expected. And importantly, I don't attach anything personal to the dates that DON'T work.

Have fun. Good luck.


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## Anubis (Jul 12, 2011)

Deejo offers some great advice, so i don't need to repeat it all. Do read it a couple times and take it to heart - it will help you make peace with what it and find what you are looking for.

I defiantly want to echo this though: Good men at our age are going to know themselves so much better than when we were 18, 22, etc, and we're going to VERY, very picky, but not in a mean way. 

To elaborate - After finding myself in my 40s and nearly 20 years since dating, I got out and dated a number of women who were honestly very nice women - interesting, attractive, holding their own, etc... (Dated some that weren't so nice too) many of them responded like you - wanting to push things faster/farther along the 'path' to being an exclusive committed couple than I was willing/wanting to go. I was the one saying "no" or ending things most of the time. 

I wasn't trying to be a 'player' or mean to anyone - I never enjoyed being the one to end things, but you had to consider where I was coming from. I has spent the previous almost 20 years in a relationship that was not good, but it did cause me to grow up and really get to know myself. I was looking back at my life and saying to myself "I'm not proud/happy/whatever of what I did relationship-wise with the first half of my life because I didn't know myself, I didn't pick well, etc..", and I didn't want to repeat that. I wanted to do better.

Feeling that I was at the mid-point of my life (or earlier I hope  ), I saw it as having one more opportunity for a block of decades with good health and energy left. So I put the pressure on myself to not settle for something I would have any long term doubts about. So I focused on really knowing myself, but also still being realistic - i.e. At this age I don't sweat the little things and try only focus on the stuff that really matters and don't mind if my date/partner has her own quirks, etc.. 

And you know what? While dating I found a gal who... to me, and my specific view of the universe, is something double extra plus good special  We met online (It's a great tool) and like AEFH/Deejo have said - I let her know in no uncertain terms that I though the world of her, and I put the effort and energy into seeing just how far a relationship with her could go. (4 years later and we're engaged)

Now it's also worth nothing that the economics/power position in dating between men and women changes and inverts between 19 and 45, especially when we're done having children. This topic could warrant a full discussion in itself, but it seems from what you said that you're handling it fine and your expectations are realistic.

(I'm rambling but have to run - no time to edit this)


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## music (Jul 17, 2011)

This is kind of an aside here. I've already decided to kick this guy loose. I agree, he's not that into me and I appreciate the advice...if/when I meet someone who is, I will know it. We women overthink things...we can't help it and it's helpful to have someone with a clear head set us straight sometimes. 

So just having just come off of a long relationship...I'm not looking for anything super serious right now. I'm looking to make some friends, have fun and if something somewhat "stable" comes out of that..I might be ok with that too. I was dating about 2-3 guys at a time and am (well was) currently seeing the one in question and there's still one other that I hang with.

I'm not complaining, just trying to understand. To me, it's like kindergarten terms...this person is fun to hang out with therefore I want to hang out with this person more often than not. And (no kindergarten here) if we have some sex on the side, that's good too. I don't think sex at this point means anything monumental, it's just fun. (although for the record...I've only slept with the one, that's just me..I'm picky)

Do men really think that a woman is trying to rush things along and push them into a relationship when they say they want to see you more than twice or three times a month? I think of it more of just being honest.."I like you, so let's hang out more", and I know I appreciate honesty.

I do really appreciate the viewpoint here. Not only is this something I haven't done in a long time...but as was mentioned earlier, men are different creatures in their 40's compared to the last time I dated (20's). This never gets any easier does it?


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

It's not a 'man' thing. Occurs on both sides of the gender divide.

When I call someone, they don't callback, and I text them, and they don't respond ... that's it. I'm done. Ball's in their court.
Simple litmus test. I don't give a crap how busy you say you are ... if you were interested ... you'd call or text. Bottom line.

Sounds like you have a very healthy attitude.

And I think it is easy ... as long as you have a copy of the rule book, and learn the rules. It is distinctly NOT the same animal as dating when a teenager or twenty-something. Adults just have way more going on in their lives.

There are distinctly behaviors that make you interesting and attractive, and behaviors that don't. Avoid the ones that don't.

And it has nothing to do with not being yourself. DO be yourself ... with confidence and a smile.


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## music (Jul 17, 2011)

Where is this rule book and how do I get a copy?!???


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

music said:


> Where is this rule book and how do I get a copy?!???



I think you already do. Everybody gets bumped and bruised, the secret is to keep getting up and moving on, until you find that person that does just the right things to make sure that they don't bump or bruise you.


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