# Reconciliation without MC?



## dragonfli

Can this happen and where does one even start?
Husband refuses to go and I can't force him. We are lost as to how to reconcile, if its the right decision and if its possible.
Thanks
Here is my situation 
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/44318-just-found-out-h-having-ea.html


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## This is me

I think if you approach it like you would any illness (and your marriage is not well) that you would seek a professional doctor.

There are good and bad MCs. If you are both on the same page to try and save the M, then you both should agree that a professional is in order. If you can both get that far, then both agree that you will chose a MC that you can both agree upon. Interview till you both agree. It is worth it!

There is no guarantee that a MC will save the M, but I believe it is the best foot forward. 

IF MC is out of the question, seek a Marriage workshop or other source like seminars. Check out The Divorce Busters website.


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## Hope1964

MC will do NO good until he comes out of the fog and admits he did something wrong and is ready to cut off his left nut for you and hand it to you on a silver platter. He needs to be completely transparent, write a NC letter and send it with you witnessing, and do all the other stuff a truly remorseful WS needs to do. Until he proves by his actions it's worth it, don't waste your money on MC.


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## Amplexor

This is me said:


> I think if you approach it like you would any illness (and your marriage is not well) that you would seek a professional doctor.
> 
> There are good and bad MCs. If you are both on the same page to try and save the M, then you both should agree that a professional is in order. If you can both get that far, then both agree that you will chose a MC that you can both agree upon. Interview till you both agree. It is worth it!
> 
> There is no guarantee that a MC will save the M, but I believe it is the best foot forward.
> 
> IF MC is out of the question, seek a Marriage workshop or other source like seminars. Check out The Divorce Busters website.



:iagree:

I am 5 years post D-Day of my wife's EA. Initially she was unwilling to go to counseling also. I went ahead and made an appointment with a marriage counselor to meet independently of her. Once I had done that she made her own appointment with the same C to make sure she was getting both sides. Counseling did help us some and we went for 3 - 4 months. We got a handle on what we needed to do and discontinued. Counseling was only a part of our recovery process which was long but successful. From your other thread continue on your 180 so he understands you are serious. Discontinue sex with him and let him really understand where he stands and what he stands to lose. He will not come out of the fog quickly and if he has fallen out of love with you, rekindling will take time. I would suggest you continue to push for professional help even if you only get him to commit for a couple of months. Good luck.


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## jenny123

This is me said:


> I think if you approach it like you would any illness (and your marriage is not well) that you would seek a professional doctor.
> 
> There are good and bad MCs. If you are both on the same page to try and save the M, then you both should agree that a professional is in order. If you can both get that far, then both agree that you will chose a MC that you can both agree upon. Interview till you both agree. It is worth it!
> 
> There is no guarantee that a MC will save the M, but I believe it is the best foot forward.
> 
> IF MC is out of the question, seek a Marriage workshop or other source like seminars. Check out The Divorce Busters website.


Do you know the correct website for Divorce Busters? There are a few of them.


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## This is me

Michelle Werner Davis. The book was very helpful to me.

Divorce Busting® - How to Save Your Marriage, Solve Marriage Problems, and Stop Divorce


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## tacoma

dragonfli said:


> Can this happen and where does one even start?
> Husband refuses to go and I can't force him. We are lost as to how to reconcile, if its the right decision and if its possible.
> Thanks
> Here is my situation
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/44318-just-found-out-h-having-ea.html


Yes it`s possible and in fact if my wife cheated I`d be unlikely to go to counseling as I`ve seen and heard of counsellors screwing up more people than they help.

HOWEVER if I were a WS and my wife wanted MC I`m going to MC.

Whatever she wanted I`d kill myself getting it done because I`d be the luckiest stupid bastard ever to catch a break that she didn`t leave me.

The fact that your H "refuses" is a much more serious problem than R without MC.

He`s not remorseful and that can only lead to failure in your R.

Sorry,


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## lovemylife26

We are not doing MC right now, we are doing IC and that seems to be working. We are talking more and more open. My IC said she thinks it great we are talking more and if and when we want to see a MC it's fine.


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## dragonfli

Just thought I would post with the progress.
I am doing IC and also purchased the book suggested a day befor I posted. So I have started reading it and he has agreed to read the first chapter. I am not going to push.. the first chapter is a step in the right direction. He has also given me his phone passwords and and has apologized about the EA. Again this is a big step from where we were a month ago. He is being more open and talking to me about his issues, unhappiness and has stopped blaming me everything. He hasn't commited to anything and I haven't asked him to. He has stopped talking about moving out, seems happier and is doing activities with myself and our son and is being genuinely affectionate. Holding my hand, hugging me, kissing me hello and goodbye. We haven't exchanged "I love you's" or put our rings back on, but that is OK right now. We are taking it one day at a time and have ALOT of work to do. At the moment it could still go either direction, I am thinking postively but I am not going to count my chickens befor they hatch!


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## This is me

dragonfli said:


> Just thought I would post with the progress.
> I am doing IC and also purchased the book suggested a day befor I posted. So I have started reading it and he has agreed to read the first chapter. I am not going to push.. the first chapter is a step in the right direction. He has also given me his phone passwords and and has apologized about the EA. Again this is a big step from where we were a month ago. He is being more open and talking to me about his issues, unhappiness and has stopped blaming me everything. He hasn't commited to anything and I haven't asked him to. He has stopped talking about moving out, seems happier and is doing activities with myself and our son and is being genuinely affectionate. Holding my hand, hugging me, kissing me hello and goodbye. We haven't exchanged "I love you's" or put our rings back on, but that is OK right now. We are taking it one day at a time and have ALOT of work to do. At the moment it could still go either direction, I am thinking postively but I am not going to count my chickens befor they hatch!


That is great news. Moving in the right direction. That is all we can do. Patience patience patience!! All the best to you!!!


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## Almostrecovered

we did it, but I've been in therapy for years due to my bipolarism so I knew how to structure our talks


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## Almostrecovered

but I should add if you need to go and he refuses to then he isn't showing remorse, if anything he is too afraid the counselor may point out his ways are not good for you or your marriage


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## donders

dragonfli said:


> Just thought I would post with the progress.
> I am doing IC and also purchased the book suggested a day befor I posted. So I have started reading it and he has agreed to read the first chapter. I am not going to push.. the first chapter is a step in the right direction. He has also given me his phone passwords and and has apologized about the EA. Again this is a big step from where we were a month ago. He is being more open and talking to me about his issues, unhappiness and has stopped blaming me everything. He hasn't commited to anything and I haven't asked him to. He has stopped talking about moving out, seems happier and is doing activities with myself and our son and is being genuinely affectionate. Holding my hand, hugging me, kissing me hello and goodbye. We haven't exchanged "I love you's" or put our rings back on, but that is OK right now. We are taking it one day at a time and have ALOT of work to do. At the moment it could still go either direction, I am thinking postively but I am not going to count my chickens befor they hatch!


I don't get this at all????

He's the one who cheated yet you are the one who "doesn't want to push him" and you're happy that he nicely agreed to read the first chapter of a book, he refuses to commit to anything, and you're hoping things go in the right direction?

HE should be the one saying these things about YOU!

I went and read your other thread, it was suggested you do the 180.

What you are doing is not a 180, it's treating him with kid gloves even though the situation should be the exact opposite.

You are sending him a message that you will put up with anything he does, forgive him for anything while hoping he doesn't leave you for another woman.


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## marksaysay

I would have to agree that your H doesn't show signs of remorse. If he is truly repentant and desires to reconcile, he would be bending over backwards to prove it. 

As a BS who's WS is still in fantasy world, I will readily admit to a willingness to reconcile under the RIGHT conditions. The RIGHT conditions are being a WS willing to put in the work necessary for a rebuilt marriage. I cannot simply allow her to come back as if she was doing me a favor. 

I think, in some ways, you are willing to do so much because you love him and want to be with. You may even be afraid of the future without him. But you can't just settle. He has to do some heavy-lifting, and imho, more than you since he is the offender.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## This is me

Sometimes we need to do what is best for us. I know some advice I was given months ago would have ended my marriage, but I wanted to save it. So learning about MLC is learning they are in a fog and not seeing clearly. Playing hardball is not always the best approach. The book Divorce Buster points this out clearly.

Bounderies like doing the 180 is important, but needs to be customized to each situation. 

Patience wins the day.


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## iheartlife

dragonfli, which book are you reading again? I tried to figure out which one.

The one I would suggest he read is Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass, because that one gently describes EAs so well and in such detail, and explains things from your side, if he was willing to read it and see himself you might stand a chance.

I agree with everyone else, you need MC. I would research MCs and find one trained in infidelity issues. Shockingly most MCs are not and they want to get past it as if it's all over. They are under the impression that if they solve the marital disagreements "post" affair, then all will be well. They don't address the underlying issues that made the marriage vulnerable, they don't hold the person in the EA responsible for their actions, etc. But someone trained in infidelity will do all these things. Our MC recommended Not Just Friends for my husband to read although I already had a copy.

(He also recommend, in front of my husband, that I install spy / GPS software on my husband's phone and told my husband that his job was to prove that he was trustworthy to me. The MC was openly acknowledging how tempting it is to maintain contact with the affair partner and that promises to avoid contact aren't worth much in the face of that strong habit / compulsion.)


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## Amplexor

This is me said:


> Bounderies like doing the 180 is important, but needs to be customized to each situation.
> 
> Patience wins the day.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Sara8

tacoma said:


> Yes it`s possible and in fact if my wife cheated I`d be unlikely to go to counseling as I`ve seen and heard of counsellors screwing up more people than they help.
> 
> HOWEVER if I were a WS and my wife wanted MC I`m going to MC.
> 
> Whatever she wanted I`d kill myself getting it done because I`d be the luckiest stupid bastard ever to catch a break that she didn`t leave me.
> 
> The fact that your H "refuses" is a much more serious problem than R without MC.
> 
> He`s not remorseful and that can only lead to failure in your R.
> 
> Sorry,


Tacoma:

I agree with your thought. There are so many poorly trained/skilled counselors out there. 

My husband and I have been to three so far and all have said very ignorant harmful things, that we both agreed were weird. 

I don't think MC has helped us, and I have read of many who have had good R without MC. Conversely, I have heard of many who had good MC and R was not successful. 

Some MC actually unwittingly help the cheater cover an underground affair. 

Also, I personally know at least six professional psychologist who work with couples as marriage counselor. There own lives are in a shambles. 

Maybe that give them empathy but it shows that they can't keep their own marriages healthy, so why should I follow their advice.


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## iheartlife

I found our MC by contacting local sex addiction / porn addiction therapists in our area.

That might seem odd, since my husband is most certainly neither.

But they treat escapist, compulsive behaviors and are highly familiar with infidelity and its various permutations since they so often show up. They are cousins / close relatives of one another in the world of therapy.

We didn't go to see a counselor with that group, but in that way found several excellent referrals and ended up with the counselor we have now.

When he pulled the book Not Just Friends off the shelf for my husband, and told the two of us I should install GPS / tracking software on my husband's phone to ease my anxiety / help him prove his loyalty / help him maintain no contact (the latter which he didn't really need, because of our individual circumstances, and I have access to cell phone bills anyhow), I knew we'd found exactly the right person to help us R.


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## This is me

You should always interview the MC. They should understand this and accept it, if not move on. They are only human and view things through their own issues. 

We had one really weird event with our first where the guy actually cried and had attacked me in a verbal way. It was very weird. He obviously had his own issues.

Our current one younger female, married with kids, solid family, upbeat personality and a good listener. We both like her which is important.


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## daisygirl 41

My H and I are reconciling without MC. I have been seeing an IC for 6 months and am due to have my last apt next week. Shes been amazing. I asked her about the need formus both to attend MC and her advice was that it is not always required as long as both of you can comunicate effectively and discuss the issue in a positive and productive way.

As other posters have expressed my concern is that your H is not willing to open up to you. During my Hs lost weekend (well ok it was 10 months!!) he completely shut down from me, he wouldnt discuss anything about his EA/PA, the future, our relationship, nothing. Looking back now it was a false recovery, and the relationship with the OW started briefly again. I knew it was different this time, because when he first came to me to ask if we could reconcile he wanted to tell me everything and we talked and talked for about 5 days and he has been totally open ever since. i can ask him anything and we talk about the A regularly. This tells me that he is facing up to what he has done and even though he is visibly upset and embarased at times, he still keeps talking. 

I hope this is of help to you.
communication is definately the key to a successfull R
DG
X


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## yourbabygirl

I don't really trust counselors, I don't mean all of them. There could be some who are really knows their stuff and are compassionate, but some may even hurt your chances of reconciliation.
__
One of my closest friends has been a counselor for some years and now taking up her Masters. And she doesn't trust counselors herself. When she has a problem, she talks to me instead of a counselor, her words are, _"I already know the exact crap that they're gonna tell me!" _

Well, I might still avail of the service if its free and paid by my insurance as long as the counselor isn't a complete idiot. I don't want to bring too much toxic to my friends when I needed to breath out my frustrations.


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