# Daily Requirements of Positive Thinking



## engagementpostmarriage (May 25, 2011)

How much positivity does one need to get along with the spouse?
Does it depend on the situation one faces...or do we need to be at a certain level everyday no matter how bad the situation is?:scratchhead:


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

engagementpostmarriage said:


> How much positivity does one need to get along with the spouse?
> Does it depend on the situation one faces...or do we need to be at a certain level everyday no matter how bad the situation is?:scratchhead:


It surely helps if one spouse can "balance" the other, bring them up when they are down, and vice versa. But it should never always be ONE spouse being happy and One always grumpy. This could destroy harmony. 

Many people can get dragged down by a continual depressive or critical spouse. Even if you are an uppity up type person 
by nature, this would wear on you. 

I have a tendency to get angry when things don't go "according to plan". I always plan very carefully , crossing every T & dotting every I, so when something screws with that, I can be a pain in the A**. I guess my down times are "situational". My husband, on the other hand, is very patient (almost always), and he has a way of making light of it and it snaps me out of it & I remind him how much I love him for making me laugh during those times I want to scream or take someone's head right off. 

If I had married someone different than him, just not sure how it would go for us, I might be like gasoline on someone's elses fire, ya know. 



We took a little vacation recently -- our electric went out in the cabin as soon as we got there, cell phones also wouldn't work (they never told me this was a problem despite me calling a couple times before we left). We were supposed to have internet access, that was not working, the TV got no channels cause it was raining, AND it started to storm on top of all of this & we couldn't use our Hot tub! Then they left & we had noone to call if further problems, just an electic lamp in the darkness. Our 1st night was not going so well. 

One thing bothered me tremendously - I had not planned on zero way to contact my kids, or they contact me incase of an emergency, I was bent all out of shape for a time, thinking oh My God, did we pick the wrong place to vacation in the woods during a lighting storm. 

But in his calmness, he makes it all better somehow. The fact is - my husband has the patience to deal with me. When things go smoothly I am always happy, enthusiastic , lively and fun, but when NOT, well, that is an open roadmap of God knows what may come. I am not always full of joy. I do all I can do to make life go smoothly from my end -but when someone else messes with that, I can get really irritated. 

If I was like this every day, he would surely want rid of me!! 

And sometimes he has a bad day at work, boss causing grief with the guys, I am always there to listen to his day, pick him up if he is feeling down & wants to see the Boss ran over by a train. Ya know, we need to pick each other up sometimes!

If we are happy* the majroity of the time*, this makes life enjoyable. Not everyone is happy all of the time. We are human-- we get angry, hurt, embarrassed, feel guilty, shameful, a variety of "down" emotions. Hopefully we have a spouse who will listen to us and want to pull us out of that state, this is very helpful in marraige. A great blessing indeed.


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## franklinfx (Apr 7, 2009)

I am just now learning how much my mood affects my wifes. even if Im not angry at her, if Im negative or frustrated over something it automatically seems to put her in a bad mood , however if I project a positive attitude it definitely seems to rub off on her. Not everyones like this but being or at least acting like youre in a good mood help alot.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

engagementpostmarriage said:


> How much positivity does one need to get along with the spouse?
> Does it depend on the situation one faces...or do we need to be at a certain level everyday no matter how bad the situation is?:scratchhead:


I struggle with this one, too. I started reading Earkhart Tolle's The Power of Now and in his opinion all misery is the product of illusionary thinking, or unconsciousness as it calls it. Its an inability to accept what is because we've already worked out what should be. He says we are trying to feed our egos and it is the insecurities and fears that arise from our ego that create pain in our lives. I like what he says to an extent, but is it really reasonable to never be hurt or angry?? That sounds a little dissociative to me. But i do agree that our egos largely dictate what hurts us and if we look simply at what is happening ONLY in that moment, and not extrapolate it out, we will be happier. 

Many times i get morose thinking about what my H did to me. But Tolle would say I was being unconscious because there was nothing hurting me in that moment. He says to ask yourself, "What is wrong at this very moment? Right now?" Inevitably the answer is, 'Nothing.' Is quite profound.


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## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

"Stop Thinking, Start Living" - can't remember author, book's in my handbag downstairs! Also can't claim to be following it rigorously but it's certainly helped me and in turn I seem finally to be making a difference to our relationship. Essentially he puts a good theory that (obviously with certain exceptions) we should never forget a thought is JUST a thought. It's not a fact. A thought can be thought and ditched. Overthinking is a major problem for some people, which can soooo easily lead to negativity for no reason whatsoever. Worth a read.


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## 23YearWife (Sep 3, 2010)

IMO, we need to be positive every day for our own well-being. Most of the time, life is like a mirror, it reflects what we put out. The Buddha put it this way: There is no way to happiness. Happiness IS the way.


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## 23YearWife (Sep 3, 2010)

Blanca said:


> I struggle with this one, too. I started reading Earkhart Tolle's The Power of Now and in his opinion all misery is the product of illusionary thinking, or unconsciousness as it calls it ... but is it really reasonable to never be hurt or angry??... Many times i get morose thinking about what my H did to me. But Tolle would say I was being unconscious because there was nothing hurting me in that moment. He says to ask yourself, "What is wrong at this very moment? Right now?" Inevitably the answer is, 'Nothing.' Is quite profound.


I love that book of Tolle's! It and others have helped transform my life. Yes, we're only human so anger and hurt are unavoidable. What we CAN do is be hurt and angry a lot less, and for shorter periods than we are.

I used this thinking of Tolle's to help myself and my adult daughter, as well. She'd call and tell me what happened at work. Often it was something problematic. I'd listen then ask her, "what's wrong right now?" The answer was always "Nothing." I'd ask her to describe her surroundings. Invariably, she was at home with a nice dinner cooking and music playing. If she looked around the room, she'd see things she liked. The only interaction happening was being on the phone talking to a mom who loved her and cared how she felt. Nothing else was real right then.

I said if she kept focusing on past or future problems in her free time, she was missing the reality of her life because the only thing that's ever real is "now," the present moment. 

I used to do it, too, and so do most of us: waste all our nows thinking about the past -- which is gone--or worrying about tomorrow--which isn't here yet. We lose the truth of the moment. In most of them, things are perfectly all right. Yet when we live in our heads and let our minds obscure the present, we can come to the completely wrong conclusion that our lives are full of misery when they're actually not. We're just paying attention to the bad past or future stuff instead of the present good.

I've watched myself and my daughter relax, become more cheerful, loving and optimistic as we learned to live in the now, instead of in worried thoughts.

She and I used to have conflict quite a bit. Now, almost never.


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## 7chakras (Jul 20, 2012)

madimoff said:


> "Stop Thinking, Start Living" - can't remember author,


Richard Carlson he also wrote Don't sweat the small stuff, great reads both of them. Hell, one could learn a lot from the titles alone lol.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

23YearWife said:


> I used this thinking of Tolle's to help myself and my adult daughter, as well. She'd call and tell me what happened at work. Often it was something problematic. I'd listen then ask her, "what's wrong right now?" The answer was always "Nothing." I'd ask her to describe her surroundings. Invariably, she was at home with a nice dinner cooking and music playing. If she looked around the room, she'd see things she liked. The only interaction happening was being on the phone talking to a mom who loved her and cared how she felt. Nothing else was real right then.


Asking her to describe her surroundings is a great approach. I find myself trying to do that when I'm getting worked up, too. Tolle's book changed my life. It's really difficult at first to let go of the past and live in the Now, but I'm so much calmer for even trying to do what he says. I've had rare glimpses of being in the Now and it's really an amazing feeling.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I think positivity is a must, it shows confidence.
I think folks will only get away with what you tolorate, and a positive additude along with confidence shows our spouse and others that you diserve good things.

I also think there is a degree of assertiveness compined with comprimise that shows other a rational person that is not a push over.

So often a marriage goes on year after year with one spouse screwing over their SO with there negitive b*llsh*t that it were off on the SO. 

So my point is with confidence you can command the respect with regards to " I diserve good things" hence not tolorating the negitive aspect a spouse has to offer.

So, offer positiveity and except positivity back and except nothing less!


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## bkaydezz (Jul 9, 2012)

Positive thinking is always welcomed!!!
I think it should be something to consider in any problems 
you and your parnter maybe sharing. 

EASIER SAID THAN DONE THOUGH!!!!!!!


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

engagementpostmarriage said:


> How much positivity does one need to get along with the spouse?
> Does it depend on the situation one faces...or do we need to be at a certain level everyday no matter how bad the situation is?:scratchhead:


I loved SimplyAmorous's response, but I'll take it one step further. As a critical thinker, I've been perceived as negative a lot in my life. Sometimes that's a valid criticism and sometimes I'm just realistic. However, I've found that when it comes to my personal relationships, I cannot afford to voice more negativity than my partner can hear. 

That doesn't mean I don't experience fears/anxiety/anger. It means I have to choose my words very carefully to protect my loved ones from it. If I bring negativity into others' lives, I'm taking away from the positives in their lives.


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## curlysue321 (Jul 30, 2012)

I think being positive helps a great deal. I always try to look at the positive. Was in a dysfunctional marriage for 24 years and the last year I was married I was completely content because I saw nothing but the positive. Your own attitude does more to determine your happiness than anything else does.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

engagementpostmarriage said:


> How much positivity does one need to get along with the spouse?
> Does it depend on the situation one faces...or do we need to be at a certain level everyday no matter how bad the situation is?:scratchhead:


I think of it as "conditioning."

You have to make a regular daily choice and effort to be positive for your own sake, not "so you can get along with your spouse." 

When you do that, then the average days are sweeter.

And hopefully, when you make being positive a priority for yourself no matter what, it helps you handle the tougher or outright bad days, much better. You're conditioned to handle it.


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

I don't think of positivity as something you need to get along with your spouse--I think of it as something that gets you through life in general. Unfortunately, you cannot make someone else happy--each person is in charge of their own 'positivity' and happiness. 

However, the lack of optimism / hopefulness I had myself did a great deal of damage to our marriage before I totally turned it around.

I've had the very best results from these books:

Learned Optimism by Martin Seligman
This book is fascinating, I strongly recommend it to anyone who is curious about the psychology of optimism. I won't give away the premise on a public forum but urge you to read the book yourself--it should be at any public library. Once you understand the way that optimists think and pessimists think, it can help you catch negative thinking and help turn things around for you in certain situations. As much as I love this book, and as much as it helped me, it still didn't get me quite to where I needed to be.

Even more than learned optimism, I've found the concept of 'mindfulness' to be useful (it sounds like some of the books / ideas on the first page were based in this as well). Mindfulness is the idea that the past is gone, so there is no point in dwelling in regret, and the future may never arrive. At some point in life you internalize the idea that worry is fruitless, because so often you worry about something that NEVER comes to pass--or even if something negative happens, it's so different from what you expected that you couldn't have planned for it if you had tried.

But the current moment, the NOW, has a lot of good to it if you seek it. The truth is, in Western cultures, we are rarely in immediate grave danger--we are more in danger of being bored than anything else. So the idea is, savor this minute for its goodness.

I've read several books on mindfulness, it does come from meditation and Buddhism. I'm a devout Christian, but the idea of mindfulness is not religion-specific. A big part of mindfulness is meditation (not just the stereotype sitting down, but also learning to reach for the state of calm that comes from meditation wherever you are). It's basically a relaxation technique, but it is a lot deeper than that. It doesn't tell your mind to "shut up" so you can be peaceful--that is a common misconception about meditation.

I'm reading this book right now, it's the most secular of the books I've read on the subject--it has received good reviews:
Mindfulness: An Eight-Week Plan for Finding Peace in a Frantic World by Mark Williams, Danny Penman and Jon Kabat-Zinn 

And linked in my signature is 
Turning the Mind into an Ally, by Sakyong Mipham and Pema Chodron. 
This book is also a terrific introduction to mindfulness, the first several chapters are incredibly rich and specific. However, it does have a variety of references to Buddhism because the author is a Buddhist who grew up in India after his parents fled Tibet. But the book is extremely practical and useful and detailed.

--------------------

I really believe that some variation of mindfulness is precisely what has pulled certain human beings through the worst times of their lives--but what I like about it is that it is useful for a wide variety of human emotional states--including not just anxiety, depression, and anger, but also boredom. All I can say is once I "got" it, I never wanted to go back.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

> I have a tendency to get angry when things don't go "according to plan". I always plan very carefully , crossing every T & dotting every I, so when something screws with that, I can be a pain in the A**. I guess my down times are "situational". My husband, on the other hand, is very patient (almost always), and he has a way of making light of it and it snaps me out of it & I remind him how much I love him for making me laugh during those times I want to scream or take someone's head right off.


Oh hell I know the feeling... at work at least, I lay down clear instructions, brief everyone on the functions (we do have big groups come in despite being just a restaurant), then they do their own thing and sh-t hits the fan I FKING GO OFF!!!!

That's the problem of my management style at times - I can be too nice!!!


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

There's a shame this thread has been spammed.
Maybe the mods could move it to private members section!

I had intensive IC last year while my marriage was in turmoil and I also did a lot of therapeutic reading. It's easy to forget the coping strategies I learnt and to start that slippery slope back into negativity.
This time last year was a terrible time for us. My H was moving out and my life was in pieces. I have been thinking about it a lot this week., and feeling very down, but I lay in bed this morning wrapped in his arms and remembered all the things I have learnt. Live in the now, don't worry about the the things you have no power over, and try not to dwell on past negativities. I have also learnt to be more grateful and thankful for the other things I have in my life, 3 healthy kids, a nice home a good job etc. 

I read a lot during my Hs A and our subsequent R, from books to blogs and of course TAM, I have learnt a lot about myself. I have always been a bit of a worrier and more of a pessimist than an optimist but despite what I've been through I feel more positive and optimistic than I have for a very long time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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