# my marriage is a wreck...to say the least



## cutecarrie09 (Feb 15, 2011)

I guess I'll start by saying that I have been married to my current husband for over 4 years and we have been together for over 7. I was married before and I have an 11 year old daughter from that marriage. 

I guess you could say we have had alot of ups and downs along the way but this last year has been down right awful. My husband is in the Army and he has been deployed 4 times. Since he returned from the last deployment he hasn't been the same. We fight and it's bad. Mainly what happens is he just ignores me for hours and even days. He will not talk to me and is completly shut off. We never solve any problems we just sweep them under the rug. The only way we end a fight is if I apologize or just act like it never happened. He is never wrong. No matter what. He blames me for everything. I feel completly neglected and rejected emotionally. Sometimes I just sob because I am at such a lose. Then he tells me I am crazy and in his words "losing it". He won't go to counseling. He says there is nothing wrong with him. It's just me. 

I don't have anyone to talk to. All my family and friends live out of town. And we are so good at acting no one in my family even has a clue that we are having problems. They think we are perfect. I have only talked to my best friend about it and she thinks I should just pack up and leave. I wish it were that easy. I am completly dependent on him financially and so is my daughter. I feel trapped even if I tried to leave.

I would like my marriage to work. But I don't think my husband will ever change. I am so lonely and very depressed. I feel like I am losing it. I don't really even know who I am anymore. This relationship has turned me into such a cold and bitter person.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Please start counseling; the military should have resources for you. They may have insight into his behavior, b/c my guess is that he's been through some very difficult things in his deployments and may have just shut down emotionally on everything because feelings are just so hard for him to take anymore. 

Anyone who says they are "fine" when their spouse is miserable is really disconnected from his/her life. With help, he might get through this. But for now, quit believing him when he says he's fine, and quit believing that it is "just you" or that you are losing it. Sounds like you both could use help, individually and as a couple. If he's in a really bad place, due to his service, he may refuse counseling because he has no intention of tapping into his emotions, for any reason, b/c he may fear (subconsciously) that he'd be overwhelmed. 

I'm so sorry this is so difficult for you, but see if you can start to recapture your joy in life despite the situation. You may find that growing healthier and stronger yourself makes it possible for you to enjoy him, take the pressure off, and allow him to "come around" in his own time. If not, that's ok; you are only human and you have to take care of yourself. Plus, you have a daughter to think of. So best of luck and God bless.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

It can be very hard to admit that you have a problem; I would guess his deployments have affected him and he can't admit that. 

If he won't go to counseling, you could still go by yourself. Marriage counseling may not work, but an individual counselor could probably give you some tips to try to get your marriage in a better place. 

If I were in your shoes, and went to individual counseling, I think the first thing I would ask the therapist would be to help me learn how to deal with issues rather than sweeping them under the rug, and make sure he/she knows that your husband may not be receptive. I'm thinking they should be able to help you figure out some way of dealing with that. Sweeping problems under the rug doesn't make them go away. It just means there's one more thing in the pile under the rug, and one day when you lift the rug, now you've got to deal with ALL these problems at once. And eventually, that day will come. 

Another thought...is there any military requirement that he get any kind of counseling to deal with his deployments? If there is, maybe you could use that to get him to go.


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## cutecarrie09 (Feb 15, 2011)

Thanks for the advice. I have thought about counseling for myself even if my husband won't go. It's been really hard to deal with by myself. We are in the middle of a horrible fight right now. Last night I asked him very calmly if we could talk and he just screamed that there was nothing to talk about and get away from him. I guess what I am feeling is that if he thinks there is nothing to talk about does he even want to work on this at all? I wonder if he is just done with the relationship and he just won't tell me. You are absolutely right about sweeping it under the rug. I try to explain that to him but he just doesn't listen. I think our biggest problem is a whole bunch of little problems all built up over time into one HUGE problem. I hope I can find a soultion for all this. Somethings got to give.


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## Warbaby (Nov 10, 2010)

FIrst I have my own issues but I have served for 18 years some of them with the 82nd Airplane gang, and maybe I can give you some challanges from his perspective. My kids didnt want to go alone with me anywhere for a while, I really felt/was like a stranger in my own house. My wife kept talking about how much I had changed, but I felt like I was the same man as the day I left. She had really structured things differently while I was gone changing/making rules for the kids about when they had snacks, when bed time was, what they could and couldn't bring into the livingroom,etc... I realize now these we tools she devised to help make her life easier while she was home alone,but for me it was annoying. It usually takes us about 6 months to get straight from a deployment. How long has he been back?


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## cutecarrie09 (Feb 15, 2011)

@ Warbaby...He has been home just about 6 months this time. He has deployed 4 times and four of those were for a year or more. I really do think that it has something to do with it. We have spent more time apart than together in our relationship. I know it is hard to get back to normal. The first several weeks I always feel like I have a house guest and they will be leaving again soon. It is always hard to stop being "the boss" but I am very patient and it seems to be easier for me. My husband does not handle stress well at all. He worries himself to the point of physical sickness. His stomach has not been right for years now. I have tried to get him to talk to someone. But he refuses. He says that he will be labeled or "flagged" in the Army. You might understand this. He was in the 82nd untill just recently he moved to Special Forces. Which I believe is the cause of alot of the stress. I wish that I could convince him to try marriage couseling. But he swears he is fine and I am the one with the problem. Something he says alot is that he is just not a talker. It's just about impossible to get him to talk about any kind of feelings what so ever. And the only emotion he really expresses is anger. I get that he's not wired like me and I'm not asking for a weekly sit down or anything. I just feel like some issues have to be worked through before you can move on from it. Thanks for your reply and thanks for your time.


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## cutecarrie09 (Feb 15, 2011)

Just an update. Things really haven't changed a bit & I am pretty sure we will be separating in the near future. I asked him to go to counceling with me again. He said he doesn't have time. I probably will go to counseling myself but it will be for me and not my marriage. I think we are done. I am really at the point where I have accepted it. We did talk & I brought up the seperation. He said he didn't want that. But he also said he's not going to do anything to change and he doesn't have any ideas on what we should do. I give up.


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## NOWHERELEFT2TURN (Feb 24, 2011)

i can completely relate to you in so many ways, though i have no advice or answers, i am dealing with the same issues. it struck me as odd that your husband is in the military as well as mine. i have discussed that with a friend before that i think much of my husbands "attitude" and his way of thinking stems from his choice of careers and training. many people i know who are in law enforcement, which my husband is and military which he also is in, they just see things so differently and its like they are so hard hearted and they dont even realize it. I have been with him 4 years ive never been right about anything. he sais im crazy, im too needy, too emotional. i depend on him completely financially also. i really love him, but my self confidence is completely and my self worth and the bad part about it is he dont see it and dont care because he honestly never believes he wrong. he has this attitude of hes such a good person and he knows everything and everyone else just has no common sense but him, especially me. its a miserable life to live, i know, because i live it every day. i love him so, but i dont know how he could love me the same with the wall he has around his heart that he dont even know is there and about the only people he lets it down for are his kids he had with his first wife and maybe certain people in his family.


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## Trooper (Oct 21, 2010)

OMG, you sound like me. My husband says every problem we have is me, he went to counseling ONE time just to tell the counselor that he would try to help ME with all my problems. Then he never went again. We have had ups and downs also but it is getting worse. I did continue counseling on my own, and it really helps. I would recommend you go alone to try to understand what you really want. I can't say it is helping my marriage, if anything it is hurting it as I now realize that my expectations aren't crazy and I am NOT the only one with problems. I think the counseling helps you to become more objective and see things clearer. My husband sounds like yours, and he is a master manipulator. He had made me feel like I was totally screwed up and the counselor has helped me see that's not the case at all. I am sorry to say that it may not help your marriage, but I do think counseling can help you make a better decision about your future.

You are not the cause of all the problems in your marriage and you are not losing it. Those are the things a manipulator says to make you feel like you can't live without him. Don't let him take away your self-confidence. You sound like a very level-headed caring person, don't let him take that from you.


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## Warbaby (Nov 10, 2010)

@Nowhere, 
I have been in the active army a long time, and I can tell you this, although my wife and I are struggling. I do appreciate everything she does to keep the house running. It can get very frustrating, but I realize that laundry, cleaning and cooking do not mysteriously happen.( I suspect you H may feel likewise but doesnt always or ever express it). Its not megolamania but in my work enviroment I cant go around everyday second guessing decisions, in short if that happened I would cease to function. I assume you've talked this already have you thought about getting a side job or interest, maybe stake out your own turf?


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## cutecarrie09 (Feb 15, 2011)

@Nowhere, I do think the military has alot to do with my husbands attitude. He even admits that. He says his hard exterior has to do with being trained to not show emotion. I do feel like me and my daughter are some of his "Joe's" that he thinks he can just dismiss whenever he feels like. That is just unacceptable for me. I just need him to understand that.


On a some what brighter note...there has been some improvement with us. It came down to me actually calling a lawyer and taking action towards a seperation. Maybe he didn't believe I would ever leave... I don't know but he sat down with me and told me that he didn't want a divorce. He said he was going to try and make some changes. So the last week has been better. We are looking into counseling. I do feel a ray of hope since he is actually putting in some effort. So we will see how things go. Keeping my head up and trying to be positive. I really do love my husband very much.


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## zara123 (Dec 1, 2011)

hi every one this is my 1st post and a new user ,iam looking for help i feel very depressed and lonely i have been married since 8 years i have three girls i feel that my husband doesn't love me he gives importance to his mother and brothers what ever we discuss he share every thing with his family members, he makes decision with out asking me does not respect me in front of his family members 
i really wants to make decision


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## Grampswife12 (Dec 1, 2011)

cutecarrie09 said:


> We fight and it's bad. Mainly what happens is he just ignores me for hours and even days. He will not talk to me and is completly shut off. We never solve any problems we just sweep them under the rug. The only way we end a fight is if I apologize or just act like it never happened. He is never wrong. No matter what. He blames me for everything. I feel completly neglected and rejected emotionally.
> 
> 
> Wow!! I didnt think there was someone else out there that is dealing with the same type of thing, me and the hubby always fight and he also blames me for everything, he also looks at the past and how much i hurt him and still holds it against me, after being together for 3 and a half years now and married for almost one year, he cant let go of the past and everything is my fault, he can never be happy because i am so miserable, or so he says!


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