# Wife won't pick up her part



## concerned_husband (Sep 18, 2012)

Quick history: 11 years married, 4 kids, getting out of the military to be with my kids more than the job and we both agreed to the change.

Now the problem and please, bombs away on this. She is a stay at home wife these past 11 years and I have been saying all along to finish the half credit she needs for her high school diploma, get a degree or some footing on a career when the time comes (at the time it was when the kids get to school age, now its to pay the bills) and now I'm starting to see signs that the house as a whole is not being taken care of while I'm churning and burning at work. So the straw that broke it open is that we are now 2 weeks away from being completely severed from the Navy, only my check from the job I have transitioned into and she hasn't moved. I asked her the other day what was going on and she says she has a symposium for possibly doing medical imagery technician (3 years before that bares fruit).

So, question, WHAT THE HECK DO I DO? She won't move, won't do counseling, nothing. I'm staring down the barrel of being able to afford our house, food (hot dogs and mac n' cheese, not steaks and potatoes) and utilities and nothing else. She knows this, I've sat down and showed her the budget, the gambit, nothing. She just won't get moving. Help.

-CH


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

Had trouble understanding this post, but you want her to get a job? Is that it?


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## Jane_Doe (Aug 9, 2012)

If there are ways to tighten the budget, I suggest doing them now before you're under water with too many bills and not enough money. Think about getting rid of utilities like your TV packages, cell phones and internet first. Grocery bill can be cut down by buying the cheapest brands of everything, including shampoo and beauty products, and make sure you follow through on what is soon to become a no-frills lifestyle. Turning the lights off when you leave each room, not running the dish-washer as often, etc.

The purpose isn't necessarily to take anything from your wife or punish her, but she may be all-of-a-sudden motivated to bring in some extra cash when it concerns her current lifestyle. Even a minimum wage job can make the difference between living paycheque-to-paycheque and having extra money for savings/a few nice things (I know, because we're in that situation now).

Good luck to you.


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## concerned_husband (Sep 18, 2012)

To answer the previous question, it is a question of a wake up call and get going on drawing in an income. I realized reading my post it wasn't clear. I want her to get a job.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Issues?

- she won't finish her high school diploma, and,

- get a degree, and

- get a job, and

- do a better job taking care of the house.

Do I have that right? Or is it that she had the chance to do the first two, slacked off, and now she MUST get a job to keep up with bills?


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## concerned_husband (Sep 18, 2012)

Yes, the more I read that post the more I realized I fired it off without being clear. Here it is, for 11 years I have been working and pleading for her to do two things:

1. Get her high school diploma
2. Get her feet moving towards a career she would like to do some day.

Now that I'm out of the Military and the added expenses of insurance, etc. the 1 and 2 above are a MUST for us to get by. Now I've noticed over the past few months evidence that she isn't doing much around the house (stay at home mom) and she hasn't done anything to accomplish 1 and 2 above now that there is an urgency to get them done. Thank you for working me through this to clarify.

CH


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## concerned_husband (Sep 18, 2012)

Walter-

I have a Masters Degree, along with my Bachelors of Science in Marketing. I earned these while in the Navy to do exactly what I have asked my wife to do. Walter, 'man up' is a bumper sticker and I didn't expect an attack but honest guidance. Man up is not that. Thank you for your opinion and I suppose for the record I should say that for 11 years I have thought myself a terrible person because I wasn't doing enough for my family as she stayed home with the kids, didn't pursue even a high school diploma, etc.

So thank you for fortifying the reason I even got on this site, to try and find out if it is me or something more. In your opinion I should go cave man and get it fixed.

P.S. Military pay sucks because people complain about the defense budget.

P.S.S Since you are such an expert on all of this, should I take a handful of pills and do the world a favor?


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

ch, thank you for your service.

How old was she when you got married? And when the first child came along? Was it 17 and 18 or, say, 27 and 28? How old is the youngest?


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## concerned_husband (Sep 18, 2012)

We were right out of high school when we got married out of wedlock and I joined the Navy because I need income and medical insurance ASAP. I then stuck with it until my Masters was done because I figured it would help support my family after the military. My kids range from 12 to 3, I was 17 when my oldest was born, she was 19.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

So, now that you are leaving the Navy...you have a job lined up? Or you have already started/ Is it in your field? Entry level or a bit higher? 

When you say "she isn't doing much around the house"... please explain what you mean. I really hope you are not one of those who gives the "white glove" treatment and say the place is filthy because of it... My uncle did that to one of my aunts once. It wasn't a pretty situation. Mind you, he did it ONCE. And your youngest is 3? How much do the KIDS help out around the house? No reason they ALL can't do some chores. I have 3 kids: 11, 5, 4. And THEY have chores everyday. My daughter is responsible for her room. My sons for theirs. And the toys, they all pick up.

Anyway, so I am very interested in your responses.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

You're about 30 with over a decade in the Navy, I'll guess you're quite mature. Is she? You're the Captain, what is she? She may not be ready to be the Commander.

How is she in other aspects of your lives? 

No disrespect meant to you or her.


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## concerned_husband (Sep 18, 2012)

I don't white glove. What I mean by 'showing signs' is that dishes from the day (breakfast that I'm not there for and lunch plus snacks for the kids after school) are not done when I get home, she jumps up from the couch, puts down her book or whatever and starts doing that. Or I'll have to do a load of laundry at 5am to have work clothes. When I do that, I see that there is a week or better worth of laundry stuffed in the laundry room (not a high traffic area, in the basement). The house is never dusted (I do that on the weekend), she has two chest of drawers that she insists on decorating before she puts them in the kid's bedroom so my kids are finding every possible place to store their clothes other than those drawers she's been promising. I offered to help on Father's Day to help finish them (these are projects months in the making) and she fussed that I didn't do it right. Things like that. It is not that I expect to eat off the floor, we have four kids, the house is going to be cluttered or dirty at times. What it comes down to is management. I don't see her managing the house.

Yes, I have a job. I took a mid-level job that has upward mobility but I have to be realistic, I can't jump into a 90K job right away, its like I'm leaving college (though the military experience does bump me a few rungs up right away). I broke my back going to dozens of interviews to make sure that I had a job well ahead of the separation from the military.

To the final question the boys (my oldest three are boys) do dishes, fold laundry (when I do it), clean the den (the downstairs area), their rooms and on Saturdays we (the men as we have nicknamed ourselves) sweep all the hardwood floors, dust, vacuum all the carpets, wash all the sheets and if we have time left we hit the outside of the house.

I feel bad because the volume of chores on Saturday is because of the management that isn't happening during the week and my kids spend their day off working.

I don't want to portray myself as the 50's husband that expects pot roast and a tumbler of scotch when I get home. That's not right. What I want is a partner that shares equal responsibility in the reality that we need another income and it has to be her, I can't work two jobs and keep all the other things going. Plus I want a partner that understands that the house is something to be maintained or else it piles up fast.

Does that answer everything? I hope so.

CH


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## concerned_husband (Sep 18, 2012)

Charlie-

I don't know if it is maturity, I think it is more she has insulated herself and hid behind the kids so long that she thinks 'that's enough'. When I talk about getting ahead with the diploma, a job, career, whatever, its like talking to a wall. To me that is lack of grasping reality and seeing a bigger picture.

I have tried the captain approach. All I have to say is that besides the winter being cold, the house was equally cold but for other reasons. She calls me a bully when I say that I need her to step up.

Jeez, the more I post answers the more I realize that I'm on a wheel. Problem, try to solve it or talk it through and another problem crops up or she rejects it.


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

Have you asked her specifically what if anything is holding her back or making her reluctant to pursue a career in the outside world? She sounds a bit depressed actually. It seems from your posts thats she's lost a bit of get up and go. Preferring to sit and read which is okay as long as your other responsibilities have been managed. But at this point she is using it as a real escape from her life. Perhaps as you swoop in a do what you've been doing she feels she won't need to? Maybe stop doing that rescuing on Saturdays and next weekend take them all out to do something fun. See what happens.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Please take this with good intentions.

I have seen this kind of behavior from a family member who just left the service. The service is a place where you get told to do something and you do it (or you tell someone to do something and they get it done). No questions asked.

The spouse left at home meanwhile becomes the head of household and runs the house the way they feel is appropriate (in your wife's case, less than military style).

Suddenly, you're hope with your military attitude and it runs right into her laissez-faire attitude and problems start.

If there are or will be financial problems, she does need to step it up. But at the same time, you have to take it down a step or two and concentrate on the one issue most important (money?) and let the other issues rest for a while. Otherwise, the two of you will be head-butting until divorce.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

I think you need to sit down with her and go through the household income and expenses with a fine tooth comb. Let her participate with you in figuring out ways to trim expenses to fit within the means of your new income. Hopefully once she see's the hard numbers in front of her she will decide it makes sense for her to try to bring in some additional income.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

so....you have made the move into being a semi-stay-at-home-dad and she is not moving fast enough to support the family financially? Is that it in a nutshell?

I am just wondering - did you bail out while she had no real prospects?

I mean - you could get a (fulltime) job too... just to avert disaster right?

I get the sense (perhaps mistakenly) both of you were not really on board here. She is dragging her feet and you have forced the situation by basically retiring...prematurely? I mean where is the 'surprise' part here? She is taking a class (symposium?)... what do you want her to do if she was to do it today? What is she qualified for?

Im not trying to be a jerk. Really.


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