# Found out wife was with another guy but years ago.



## Solomind (Dec 19, 2021)

I know this will probably seem stupid to everyone reading this for several reasons and I am aware of this.
But the thing is, it still bothers me a great deal. The wife feels it is a non issue because it occured "so long ago."
Here is goes:
I have been with my wife since HS and we have been married for a long time now. In HS I made sure she knew I was not ok with smoking cigarettes or pot. I had a step father that used to blow cigarette smoke in my face and hold my wrist while he burned me with his cigarette. About the time I met my wife to be I got a little size on me and this stopped. She was aware of this becase I told her when she asked about my burn scars. I didn't even hang out with friends that smoked.

Then one day I caught her smoking when I walked into her parents home. Not a first cigarette, I could tell she was comfortable with it. People make choices. I was upset but I turned and left saying nothing. She got in my car before I could leave. We eventually worked things out and she promised to never smoke again. (Again I realize this may seem petty to some. I just cannot be with someone who smokes...it still upsets me to this day.)

A few months laters we had a fight as I was dropping her off at her house. I don't know what it was about be we had an argument and broke up. We had done it before and I new we would make up the next day. What I didn't know at the time was after I left, she had sex with a rival of mine. The next morning she shows up to my house and we make up with me never knowing what she did.

Years passed, we go married. Had kids. Had our ups and downs. Then I caught her smoking again and we had a serious blow out. I was really pissed. She could have let me go all those years before if she chose smoking over me but she didn't. I said hurtful things and I guess I hit a neve because she then told me she slept with someone I really disliked. I had done everything I could for this women. I paid for her to go to college....I am not a trust fund kid, I worked. I paid for her college and grad school as well as my own. I did everything I could for her and this was how she repays me. And her excuses are 1.) It didn't matter becase we were "broke up" and not married and 2.) It was a long time ago. I asked her if she thought we would get back together after that break up and she said she was sure we would. Then I learn she lied about being with other guys before me - and to be clear, I never asked and I didn't care, she volunteered the info. That didn't matter to me in any way other then that she had lied to me. But she just harps on those excuses....how could I be mad when it was so long ago (for her not me.)

Had I known before we got married I would have walked away. Stupid maybe, but my choice. But I am married and I have kids and for there sake if nothing else I tried to deal with it. I pushed it down and buried it the best I can. For the most part I can keep it in like that. It feels like a constant ache in my chest. But I have caught her smoking several more times and this time she was changing cloths before returning home, wearing gloves while she smoked so I wouldn't smell it on her, using those hand wipes to clean off the smell.
I told her I couldn't do it anymore. The next time I felt she was smoking I was going to leave. 

Part of my problem now it, all that stuff I have bottled up inside will spill out after a few months. I just cannot keep it in any longer. Plus I feel alone and isolated. She keeps telling me I should trust her again but how do you do that? I would have lain my life down for this person at one time. Once, a long time ago. Now I just feel a lot of anger and resentment. We were never rich in material things but we had each other and I always thought we were special. But she showed me I was certainily not special. I have given her many oppourtunites to be honest with me, offered to get her help with the smoking, only to have her look me in the eye and lie to me. To tell me she was no longer smoking. And as bad as her smoking hurts me, her doing it and knowing how I feel about it, the fact that she goes to such great lengths to hide it from me hurts even more. I am sure some of you will not want to touch this and will say I need professional help. Really? That never occured to me. If it were an option, I would have pursued it.

But if someone is willing to take it in bits, how do I trust again? I don't think it is possible. How many chances do you give a person before that is it?
Does the fact that some of this happened a while back mean it shouldn't hurt me and I should be over it.

I would apprecite any help. Not sure how the people are here but I guess I will get some flames and attacks also. No problem. This has toughened me up more then I would have liked.
Regardless,
Thanks


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

Age of kids, length of marriage, age of the couple?
This may all affect the advice you get.


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## A18S37K14H18 (Dec 14, 2021)

It's incumbent upon each of us to decide what is and isn't a deal breaker for ourselves.

There isn't a right or wrong. To many, smoking is a deal breaker, to many others it isn't.

You claim it's a deal breaker, but she's smoked several times (probably more than you know) and you've not done what you said you would.

I'm not telling you to leave her, but if you say smoking is a deal breaker and she smokes and you stay, you've told her and shown her that it's not a deal breaker for you.




Solomind said:


> I told her I couldn't do it anymore. The next time I felt she was smoking I was going to leave.


Will you really leave the next time she smokes? Again, I'm not telling you to leave her. 

I simply think you need to really evaluate what are and aren't deal breakers for you and for things that are deal breakers, by definition, they break the deal.

So many say things are deal breakers, but then they don't follow through on them.

Things go much more smoothly when people "say what they mean and mean what they say".

You're right, you've bottled up a lot and when that happens, it DOES come out, but you knew that. Knowing that, what is your plan for dealing with it?

Now, she is wrong too, she promised not to smoke anymore and she has so she hasn't meant what she said either.

She's lied about this to you and that's not good.

To me, her lying is worse than her smoking as lying breaks trust, which you know as you've stated in your post.

Me thinks that you know she's going to smoke again so you really need to determine whether it's a deal breaker for you or not.

Also, besides this, you need to talk to her about the fact that she lied to you. It doesn't matter that it's about smoking, it's about the fact that she lied to you.

Without trust, there isn't a relationship.

I wish you well going forward as you try to work on and resolve this issue together.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

I think OP underestimates the difficulty, for some, in ending an addictive behavior. And for OP’s wife, smoking could also be about something she can control (control is a bit of a common theme for me). And having someone tell her she has to stop or else… and it hasn’t worked before, since she still smokes. There’s no indication it’s likely to change. 

And its been made worse by becoming a trigger for the newly-discovered past.

It’s not a fun place to be.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

From her point of view I imagine she just saw you as being unreasonably controlling and probably still does, so when you had a big fight and walk away, you are for all intents and purposes single. And you're talking when you guys were really young and most people are still single. I imagine she was fully prepared to just keep living her life if you didn't come back which really is what you should be when you're young like that. 

I'm guessing the smoking is a way of her rebelling against your controlling. What you've done with that is set yourself up as a parental figure to her, so don't be surprised if she acts like a child in return..

Sounds to me like your bigger problem is can you stay with someone who sneaks around and smokes or not. You haven't left so far so I'm guessing you actually can. 

She wanted to let you know that she is not the type of person to be bossed around like that.

If you need to leave her because she's smoking then leave her because she's smoking. But you need to get over whatever happened after a big fight when you were young.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

If OP was unreasonably controlling, she should have walked away instead of lying to him. 

As far as having sex with the other guy. She cheated on you. You were broken up for less the 12 hrs before the two of you got back together and she f’d another guy. WTF


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

You broke up with her, so the sex with the rival should not be an issue. She had no obligation to you with how she used her time as a free bird.
Don't break up with somebody, unless you don't want to be with them.

The smoking issue is a personal one that you need to decide upon.
I would suggest, for the smoking one, that you should try and be a help with her on the issue more than just harassing her over it.
Can you afford some professional help for her?
Maybe a compromise, like vapes. She gets the nicotine fix and you get to avoid the aspects of smoking that you don't like, such as the smell or the smoke.
Using vapes, she can work on dropping the nicotine content until she gets to a point of 0% nicotine and then she can leave the habit for good.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

Get into counseling ASAP! There are likely other serious issues you two need to deal with,


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

ABHale said:


> If OP was unreasonably controlling, she should have walked away instead of lying to him.
> 
> As far as having sex with the other guy. She cheated on you. You were broken up for less the 12 hrs before the two of you got back together and she f’d another guy. WTF


He says they were broke up when she had the sex. 
It was him who initiated the break-up, not her. So, she can't be accused of breaking up with the intent of having sex with a guy and then getting back together with him.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Solomind said:


> I know this will probably seem stupid to everyone reading this for several reasons and I am aware of this.
> But the thing is, it still bothers me a great deal. The wife feels it is a non issue because it occured "so long ago."
> Here is goes:
> I have been with my wife since HS and we have been married for a long time now. In HS I made sure she knew I was not ok with smoking cigarettes or pot. I had a step father that used to blow cigarette smoke in my face and hold my wrist while he burned me with his cigarette. About the time I met my wife to be I got a little size on me and this stopped. She was aware of this becase I told her when she asked about my burn scars. I didn't even hang out with friends that smoked.
> ...


I'd be gone but I don't play.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

ConanHub said:


> I'd be gone but I don't play.


She didn't cheat, imo. 
They were broke up.
Is there a time limit, after a break-up, that one must be celibate before they can have sex with another person?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

jonty30 said:


> She didn't cheat, imo.
> They were broke up.
> Is there a time limit, after a break-up, that one must be celibate before they can have sex with another person?


Like I said, I don't play. Any woman that hooked up with me and tried somebody else on
for size is history with no questions asked.

You don't show any interest in a mate by ****ing someone else.

That's trailer trash/ghetto bull ****.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

ConanHub said:


> Like I said, I don't play. Any woman that hooked up with me and tried somebody else on
> for size is history with no questions asked.
> 
> You don't show any interest in a mate by ****ing someone else.
> ...


I would agree with you if it had been her that did the breaking up.
Would you say the same thing if your girlfriend broke up with you and you went out with somebody before re-uniting with her at some point in the future?
Would you be expected to be celibate while waiting for her to re-connect with you?
I personally don't try and hold people to standards that I don't intend to keep for myself.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

jonty30 said:


> I would agree with you if it had been her that did the breaking up.
> Would you say the same thing if your girlfriend broke up with you and you went out with somebody before re-uniting with her at some point in the future?
> Would you be expected to be celibate while waiting for her to re-connect with you?
> I personally don't try and hold people to standards that I don't intend to keep for myself.


I've never behaved that way. Sex is serious and even when I was wild I never went back to someone after they were intimate with another and I held myself to the same standards.

I don't play.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

ConanHub said:


> I've never behaved that way. Sex is serious and even when I was wild I never went back to someone after they were intimate with another and I held myself to the same standards.
> 
> I don't play.


Good. 
Just checking for any incongruency on your part. 
A lot of guys expect to play the field when there is a break-up, but they think she should be celibate.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

She told you she was sure the two of you would get back together so, I guess, she had sex with him to get back at you? Or just because she wanted to and could use the excuse you broke up for a minute? Tell her when she says that it was so long ago that to you it’s like it was yesterday. As for smoking, I would never be with someone who smoked so I get what you’re saying about that. Has she seriously tried to stop?


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

She banged your rival intentionally because she was pissed off at you. In her mind, it was a way to get even and hurt you, even if you didn't know about it. Shows you she is a very vindictive person. 

As for the smoking, it's the lying that is the worst part of it. If she came and said she v was having a problem quitting, THAT is being honest. She is lying to avoid repercussions of her actions.
With this type of vindictive personality, what ELSE has she done behind your back to get "even" with you when she has been pissed? off?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I too, hate smoking and would never marry a smoker.

I grew up with alcoholics and smokers.

My mother died at age 57 from lung cancer.

Your GF screwing your rival and not telling you was low down, and rotten.

She screwed him almost immediately after you two broke up.

I get it, she was young, headstrong and dumb.

Yes, it was long ago in the past, but, you would have never known had she not told you NOW.
Plus, she told she screwed other guys before you, all to hurt you.

She seems to enjoy 'getting back' at you.

I would divorce her for being so cruel.

There would be no getting over this, for me.

I would divorce her for being so (consistently) careless with your feelings and vindictive.

Oh, better yet, divorce her because you two are not compatible. This is the real issue.


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## Cromer (Nov 25, 2016)

All I want to say here is read my original thread in Considering Divorce. Your post would be a trigger except for my new amazing wife and how my life has turned out after kicking my "long ago" cheating ex to the curb.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

It may be a long time ago to her, but for you it's as if it happened very recently. 
Had you known she ran out and slept with a rival immediately after a row(and don't give me this 'we were on a break' nonsense anyone), it's unlikely you would have married her. Had you known she smoked and lied about it you probably wouldn't have married her. So in effect she married you under false pretences.

I was bought up with a dad who smoked, my first husband smoked, there is no way that I would live with a smoker now under any circumstances, and you have the childhood abuse as well which understandably makes it a very big issue for you and you made that very clear early on.

It doesn't sounds as if she smokes consistently because she wouldn't be able to be married to you for this long and not smoke all day with you around, so it's hard to say why she wont stop completely, but you have to decide the next step. Lying to you is a big deal as well. There should be no lies in marriage.

In the end the decision is yours. I don't think it's being controlling at all to expect her not to smoke. She has known this all along.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

jonty30 said:


> You broke up with her, so the sex with the rival should not be an issue. She had no obligation to you with how she used her time as a free bird.
> Don't break up with somebody, unless you don't want to be with them.
> 
> The smoking issue is a personal one that you need to decide upon.
> ...


Really? You are really going to argue technicalities in matters of the heart? The heart cares not for these things. In any case, she never told him before they got married and in OP's own words, he never would have married her had he known the truth.

You know, you can use this argument in a court of law for a contract under dispute, but in matters of the heart, it's asinine to bring up technicalities.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Dictum Veritas said:


> Really? You are really going to argue technicalities in matters of the heart? The heart cares not for these things. In any case, she never told him before they got married and in OP's own words, he never would have married her had he known the truth.
> 
> You know, you can use this argument in a court of law for a contract under dispute, but in matters of the heart, it's asinine to bring up technicalities.


It is a matter of the heart. If you tell somebody that you want to break up with them, they are supposed to stay committed to you?
I understand that he may not have wanted to end the relationship, but is she supposed to assume that he doesn't mean it?
Is she supposed to wait until she figures out that he means it?


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

jonty30 said:


> It is a matter of the heart. If you tell somebody that you want to break up with them, they are supposed to stay committed to you?
> I understand that he may not have wanted to end the relationship, but is she supposed to assume that he doesn't mean it?
> Is she supposed to wait until she figures out that he means it?


She should not have hidden what she did before getting back together, but she knew it was a deal-breaker and mislead him to resume a relationship.

In any case, who with any morals even after being dumped sleeps with another person, especially the rival (or best friend) of the person you dated within a day of the breakup if you had any self-respect or respect for your previous love? Who then hides that from that person and continues a relationship claiming they love that person? It takes a person of extremely low character to do so and I would not have such people in my life.

Try to defend this technicality all you like, but upon some self reflection, you would know that it's simply a "legal" technicality and definitely indefensible when it comes to matters of the heart.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Dictum Veritas said:


> She should not have hidden what she did before getting back together, but she knew it was a deal-breaker and mislead him to resume a relationship.
> 
> In any case, who with any morals even after being dumped sleeps with another person, especially the rival (or best friend) of the person you dated within a day of the breakup if you had any self-respect or respect for your previous love? Who then hides that from that person and continues a relationship claiming they love that person? It takes a person of extremely low character to do so and I would not have such people in my life.
> 
> Try to defend this technicality all you like, but upon some self reflection, you would know that it's simply a "legal" technicality and definitely indefensible when it comes to matters of the heart.


I agree with you there that she should have told him that she slept with his rival.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

@Solomind , I'm literally smoking a cigarette as I am typing this, for that reason I wouldn't share that particular deal-breaker with you, but I have others that would be of no consequence to yourself. If my wife deliberately engaged in an activity that she knows is a deal-breaker for me, I would take that as disrespect and deal with it as such. If I feel strong enough about that behavior (a show stopping deal-breaker) I would divorce.

As for her sleeping with your rival. It might as well have just happened the day you found out. That is how the heart works. For her it was years ago, for you some days. It is a serious betrayal that she knowingly built your marriage on a foundation of lies and no-one has the right to judge you should you decide that this is too much for you to continue the marriage.

At this stage, she has admitted to this one indiscretion, but the fact that she could do this within a day of a break-up begs the question what else she is capable of and perhaps has been engaged in. I wouldn't be able to trust her were she my wife.

She seems to be a callous woman rebelling against your marriage and yourself. I would not stand for this were I in your shoes.

Only you can decide what you are willing to live with. Good luck to you. The choices ahead are hard and life altering.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

jonty30 said:


> It is a matter of the heart. If you tell somebody that you want to break up with them, they are supposed to stay committed to you?
> I understand that he may not have wanted to end the relationship, but is she supposed to assume that he doesn't mean it?
> Is she supposed to wait until she figures out that he means it?


What sort of person has a row, 'breaks up' with their partner, and the same day has sex with their rival out of spite?


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> What sort of person has a row, 'breaks up' with their partner, and the same day has sex with their rival out of spite?


You don't break up with them because of a row.
I might have said I need a break, or something. However, I would not have said I want to break up unless I wanted to break up.
She should have told him that she slept with a rival of his before rejoining the relationship.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

jonty30 said:


> You don't break up with them because of a row.
> I might have said I need a break, or something. However, I would not have said I want to break up unless I wanted to break up.
> She should have told him that she slept with a rival of his before rejoining the relationship.


"I break up with you" that's simply words and can be spoken in anger without really being meant. Sleeping with someone else within a day is an act that can never be taken back.

Words hurt, actions kill. There is simply no comparison.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Dictum Veritas said:


> "I break up with you" that's simply words and can be spoken in anger without really being meant. Sleeping with someone else within a day is an act that can never be taken back.
> 
> Words hurt, actions kill. There is simply no comparison.


Words to you, not words to somebody else.
A break-up is a break up.

I do agree that she should have informed him about what she did so he could decide.
She denied him real agency in the matter. That does matter to me.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

So you’ve known for a while she had sex while you weren’t with her. She could do what she wanted…at that time - so that’s just something to know. Know she is the woman who doesn’t plan to spend one single day without having a man pay attention to her.

But she KNEW smoking was the deal breaker - yet she continues to lie and betray you that way too.

Stop giving her MORE chances! She has betrayed you/your top priority. She’s lied so many times and gives you empty promises to change…only to hurt you further.

Why do you stay? She isn’t trying to respect you. Not even close. Just end it. She ruined it a long time ago.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

jonty30 said:


> It is a matter of the heart. If you tell somebody that you want to break up with them, they are supposed to stay committed to you?
> I understand that he may not have wanted to end the relationship, but is she supposed to assume that he doesn't mean it?
> *Is she supposed to wait until she figures out that he means it?*


Yes!!! Especially since she went back to him the next day to fix things. She knew what she was doing. She knew he would take her back. She used the opportunity to get an itch scratched. And if she knew she was going back but using this as a loophole, why do it with someone her husband can't stand. And she knew this because she brought it up later in another argument with her husband to hurt him. She is vile.

To the OP, your wife is not a good person. She is a practiced liar, a cheat, and cares nothing for anything but her wants.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

manfromlamancha said:


> Yes!!! Especially since she went back to him the next day to fix things. She knew what she was doing. She knew he would take her back. She used the opportunity to get an itch scratched. And if she knew she was going back but using this as a loophole, why do it with someone her husband can't stand. And she knew this because she brought it up later in another argument with her husband to hurt him. She is vile.
> 
> To the OP, your wife is not a good person. She is a practiced liar, a cheat, and cares nothing for anything but her wants.


I agree with you here. 
She knew enough that the relationship wasn't over, so there isn't an excuse for stepping out on him.
That's definitely a red line in that regard.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Do you think your wife cheated during the marriage? Given her lack of being honest and her ability to easily disrespect you I would say it’s very likely.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

jonty30 said:


> He says they were broke up when she had the sex.
> It was him who initiated the break-up, not her. So, she can't be accused of breaking up with the intent of having sex with a guy and then getting back together with him.


A few months laters we had a fight as I was dropping her off at her house. I don't know what it was about be we had an argument and broke up. We had done it before and I new we would make up the next day. What I didn't know at the time was after I left, she had sex with a rival of mine.

He said “we”, he didn’t say that he was the one to break up with her. It sounds like she was pissed and F’d someone just to spite OP, to teach him a lesson.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

jonty30 said:


> You don't break up with them because of a row.
> I might have said I need a break, or something. However, I would not have said I want to break up unless I wanted to break up.
> She should have told him that she slept with a rival of his before rejoining the relationship.


You do understand that they were only broken up for about 8-12 hrs. She was back at his house the next morning when he got up and apologized and got back with OP. 

OP didn’t say he broke up with her. This isn’t the first time they had broken up for 12 hrs either.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

jonty30 said:


> Words to you, not words to somebody else.
> A break-up is a break up.
> 
> I do agree that she should have informed him about what she did so he could decide.
> She denied him real agency in the matter. That does matter to me.


She also showed him what sort of person she was, at least she would have done if she hadn't hidden it and


jonty30 said:


> It is a matter of the heart. If you tell somebody that you want to break up with them, they are supposed to stay committed to you?
> I understand that he may not have wanted to end the relationship, but is she supposed to assume that he doesn't mean it?
> Is she supposed to wait until she figures out that he means it?


Some couples 'break up' each time they have a row. Both know it's not for good.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Most of us have seen post where the girlfriend breaks up with the bf to screw someone else. Then gets back with the bf afterwards. Or they ask for a break and wants them both to be loyal and not use the time to see other people. Only to find out she asked for the break to have sex with someone else.

This looks like this was the motive of OP’s girlfriend. If OP found out afterwards she only had to say we were broken up like she has.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

ABHale said:


> You do understand that they were only broken up for about 8-12 hrs. She was back at his house the next morning when he got up and apologized and got back with OP.
> 
> OP didn’t say he broke up with her.* This isn’t the first time they had broken up for 12 hrs either.*


She probably orchestrated each quick breakup to feel less guilt every time she wanted to go **** someone else.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Solomind said:


> I know this will probably seem stupid to everyone reading this for several reasons and I am aware of this.
> But the thing is, it still bothers me a great deal. The wife feels it is a non issue because it occured "so long ago."
> Here is goes:
> I have been with my wife since HS and we have been married for a long time now. In HS I made sure she knew I was not ok with smoking cigarettes or pot. I had a step father that used to blow cigarette smoke in my face and hold my wrist while he burned me with his cigarette. About the time I met my wife to be I got a little size on me and this stopped. She was aware of this becase I told her when she asked about my burn scars. I didn't even hang out with friends that smoked.
> ...


If she loved you she would have quit smoking long ago. But she has chosen to lie to you and continue her romance with smoking instead. And evidently she has no trouble lying about other things as well. So this is what you have for a wife.

The only thing that is a little surprising is that as an ex-smoker I can tell if someone lit one yesterday when they walk by, can detect a smoker a mile away. Surprising that you dont' smell it on her always. The smell sickens me now.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

ConanHub said:


> I don't play.


I believe you but if there is absolutely without a doubt one thing that I have learned since joining this forum it is that there are COUNTLESS men who do not enforce what they believe, fear confrontation, except bad behavior, live in fear they won’t get another lover, have no boundaries that can’t be bulldozed, and all the while will whine and complain about it. I’ve backed away from coming to this forum because it’s depressing.

Testosterone is a rare commodity these days.


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> What sort of person has a row, 'breaks up' with their partner, and the same day has sex with their rival out of spite?


The answer to that question is a sl*t !
Having said that, he is a controlling lunatic and she should have stayed gone.


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

Tested_by_stress said:


> Having said that, he is a controlling lunatic and she should have stayed gone.


Jeez you must really need a smoke.

How many packs a day do you normally do?


----------



## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Mr.Married said:


> I believe you but if there is absolutely without a doubt one thing that I have learned since joining this forum it is that there are COUNTLESS men who do not enforce what they believe, fear confrontation, except bad behavior, live in fear they won’t get another lover, have no boundaries that can’t be bulldozed, and all the while will whine and complain about it. I’ve backed away from coming to this forum because it’s depressing.
> 
> Testosterone is a rare commodity these days.


^^^This


----------



## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

syhoybenden said:


> Jeez you must really need a smoke.
> 
> How many packs a day do you normally do?


Zero. I don't smoke.


----------



## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

jonty30 said:


> You broke up with her, so the sex with the rival should not be an issue. She had no obligation to you with how she used her time as a free bird.
> Don't break up with somebody, unless you don't want to be with them.
> 
> The smoking issue is a personal one that you need to decide upon.
> ...


He said they had done it before and get back together the next day. She did the rival out of vindictiveness to OP. 


jlg07 said:


> She banged your rival intentionally because she was pissed off at you. In her mind, it was a way to get even and hurt you, even if you didn't know about it. Shows you she is a very vindictive person.
> 
> As for the smoking, it's the lying that is the worst part of it. If she came and said she v was having a problem quitting, THAT is being honest. She is lying to avoid repercussions of her actions.
> With this type of vindictive personality, what ELSE has she done behind your back to get "even" with you when she has been pissed? off?


THIS! You took the words out of my mouth !!!


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Mr.Married said:


> I believe you but if there is absolutely without a doubt one thing that I have learned since joining this forum it is that there are COUNTLESS men who do not enforce what they believe, fear confrontation, except bad behavior, live in fear they won’t get another lover, have no boundaries that can’t be bulldozed, and all the while will whine and complain about it. I’ve backed away from coming to this forum because it’s depressing.
> 
> Testosterone is a rare commodity these days.


Someone may want to start a new thread on this.

Thus, pardon, (our) small threadjack....

It IS true, (current medical shows) that the average western man has less testosterone in his blood, and (**less titanium in his nuts than those men who fought WWII and prior).












Medical Study: Generational Testosterone Decrease in Men | Body RX


Read an overview of the medical studies that show the generational decrease of testosterone levels in men, possible reasons for the downward trend, and options for treatment.




www.bodyrxantiaging.com













Generational decline in testosterone levels observed


Endocrine Today | During the past two decades, testosterone levels in American men have rapidly declined.This information comes from a long-term prospective study that evaluated changes in serum testosterone on a population-wide basis.




www.healio.com






** this bit is not true, tis' my humor lumbago acting up


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

He isn’t a controlling lunatic. He was upfront with her from the start and stated his reason for it. SHE IS THE ONE THAT AGREED NOT TO SMOKE. That isn’t controlling behavior, she had every opportunity to leave the relationship from the start. Yes, so did OP. The reason everything is coming to a head now is because she cheated on him.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

ABHale said:


> He isn’t a controlling lunatic. He was upfront with her from the start and stated his reason for it. SHE IS THE ONE THAT AGREED NOT TO SMOKE. That isn’t controlling behavior, she had every opportunity to leave the relationship from the start. Yes, so did OP. *The reason everything is coming to a head now is because she cheated on him.*


Yes....

And, she has never stopped lying and (sore ass) trickle-juicing his ego.

_Pluto_ is her mentor.



_KB-_


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

jonty30 said:


> It is a matter of the heart. If you tell somebody that you want to break up with them, they are supposed to stay committed to you?
> I understand that he may not have wanted to end the relationship, but is she supposed to assume that he doesn't mean it?
> Is she supposed to wait until she figures out that he means it?


In both of their words they knew they would be back together the next day.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Divinely Favored said:


> In both of their words they knew they would be back together the next day.


Yes, I got that now. 
It's still not a healthy way to express frustration, because it sets the stage for later infidelity. 
Even if nothing had happened here.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

jonty30 said:


> Yes, I got that now.
> It's still not a healthy way to express frustration, because it sets the stage for later infidelity.
> Even if nothing had happened here.


I wonder if she was the one to call break so she could go try on the other guy with the argument of we were broke up. Being it was his enemy she did it to be spiteful. To feel good that any time she got mad she could think to herself, "I'm glad I F'ed him and you dont know about it, you deserve it!"


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Divinely Favored said:


> I wonder if she was the one to call break so she could go try on the other guy with the argument of we were broke up. Being it was his enemy she did it to be spiteful. To feel good that any time she got mad she could think to herself, "I'm glad I F'ed him and you dont know about it, you deserve it!"


It would be certainly be something that can be manipulated, if you know that he's not serious.
Start an argument and ramp it and get him to say that we're done so you can go out and have some fun with some guy that you had your eye on.
Two or three days later, reunite.
I wouldn't put that past her.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

jonty30 said:


> It would be certainly be something that can be manipulated, if you know that he's not serious.
> Start an argument and ramp it and get him to say that we're done so you can go out and have some fun with some guy that you had your eye on.
> Two or three days later, reunite.
> I wouldn't put that past her.


We can agree on her action, because it was *admitted to.
The motive can only be guessed at.

Some here in TAM world, are good guessers.

............................................................

Note: Some people will say anything to hurt a person in the heat of an argument, even offer-up a bald-face lie.
She is a known liar, and a vindictive person, right?.

While, on the face of all that she revealed, these cheating instances are likely real, but, I admit, they could also be lies.

Remember, those push/pull personalities?

Part of her loves her husband, part of her *wants to split off from him, to drive him away.

The lady has her issues.
She can be a loose cannon.

Her inner personality demands release.
It wants to escape much of life's, and her marital responsibilities.
Um.

Mr. @Solomind, would you mind commenting on this?
Please come back and sand the edges off this _Thread_ of yours.

Thank you.



_King Brian-_


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Tested_by_stress said:


> The answer to that question is a sl*t !
> Having said that, he is a controlling lunatic and she should have stayed gone.


He isn't controlling at all.


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## SRCSRC (Nov 28, 2020)

I personally can't stand cigarette smoke. It was always a deal-breaker when I dated someone. I dated one woman for a while who initially hid the habit from me. But when kissing her, I could taste it in the air expelled from her chest. She said she was trying to quit. We didn't make it for other reasons, but her smoking would have ended things shortly. I would dump my future wife today if she started smoking so I totally empathize with you. Her infidelity is another issue. Yes, I consider it infidelity. She admits that she knew the "break up" wasn't really a true breakup. But my bigger concern is whether she has been faithful throughout your marriage. Lying seems to come naturally to her.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

@Solomind
Your wife is a vengeful ****. She screwed someone you didn't like for revenge ("we were on a break" is utter crap), kept it from you, then told you out of vindictive anger. Give this ***** the boot. You can do WAY better for yourself.


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## QuietGuy (Aug 31, 2021)

What Rubix Cubed said, plus what other secrets does she have. Lose this wife, gain a life.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

QuietGuy said:


> What Rubix Cubed said, plus what other secrets does she have. Lose this wife, gain a life.


A few more fights and she'll probably rub more of those secrets in his face. There is no fixing someone like that.


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## blackclover3 (Apr 23, 2021)

@Diana7 spot on 

and please record and keep evidence she is smoking and hiding it (I think smoking you mean with weed) just in case you divorce 

this is me
if I found out that my gf or Wife slept with someone i hate or rival I would walk out even if it was 30 years from the day it happened. 
If it happened then it will happen again if this person still around
or I will give her the same medicine with someone she hates


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

OP, any additional information?


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## Asterix (May 16, 2021)

Solomind said:


> A few months laters we had a fight as I was dropping her off at her house. I don't know what it was about be we had an argument and broke up. We had done it before and I new we would make up the next day. What I didn't know at the time was after I left, she had sex with a rival of mine. The next morning she shows up to my house and we make up with me never knowing what she did.


I have read only the first post so far and will read the thread later. I just wanted to comment on this behavior. 

This is something that's not unique to your gf/wife and it's fairly commonplace. Sometimes, a partner may instigate discord and drama in a relationship which then leads to a break/breakup. This allows this person to go hook up with other people. sometimes they already have plans to hook up with other people. This whole break/breakup is instigated so that they can go and sleep with others without any guilt feeling. Then they can come back, grovel and say anything and everything that they need to say in order to get back. This is because either they are not interested in having a relationship with the other people or the other people have no interest in a relationship with this partner. 

Your wife has a proven track record of lying to your face and you being none the wiser. She learned it early on. She knows which buttons to push. 

I'll read the rest of this thread later, but my feeling based only on your initial post is that, kids or no kids, your wife is a toxic partner to you and it's quite likely that you've been behaving or been treated as a doormat.


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## Asterix (May 16, 2021)

blackclover3 said:


> and please record and keep evidence she is smoking and hiding it (I think smoking you mean with weed) just in case you divorce
> 
> this is me
> *if I found out that my gf or Wife slept with someone i hate or rival I would walk out even if it was 30 years from the day it happened.*
> ...


She slept with someone who @Solomind hated because she wanted to spite him. That's an elite level of pettiness and vindictiveness.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Asterix said:


> She slept with someone who @Solomind hated because she wanted to spite him. That's an elite level of pettiness and vindictiveness.


By elite, you mean trailer trash and ghetto hoes?

Pretty common scum behavior.


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## Solomind (Dec 19, 2021)

Rus47 said:


> If she loved you she would have quit smoking long ago. But she has chosen to lie to you and continue her romance with smoking instead. And evidently she has no trouble lying about other things as well. So this is what you have for a wife.
> 
> The only thing that is a little surprising is that as an ex-smoker I can tell if someone lit one yesterday when they walk by, can detect a smoker a mile away. Surprising that you dont' smell it on her always. The smell sickens me now.


Thank you for your reply.
Re your comment about her lying, "She has looked me straight in the eye and sworn to all holy that she is not lying." I offered to get her help to stop smoking, "I'm Not smoking!" She is very deceitful and I guess I just missed it when I was young and dumb.

There seemed to be inconsistencies through the years. And yes, I can smell the smoke very easily. I may not have mentioned it; I was pretty upset when I wrote this piece asking for help, a hand, support....I am not sure what, but she also when to great and I mean GREAT lengths to clean herself before returning home. She wore rubber gloves when she smoked and a hooded jacket. Everything would get a spritz of Fabreeze in addition. So not only was she smoking, but working hard to keep me from finding out. Even when I did, when I had pictures to show her, she would deny it. I never stalked her and it got to the point where I just stopped careing but on occasion I would get a voice in my head telling me to find her and she would be somewhere smoking. We have trackers on our phones so we can locate each other and hers usually "malfunctions" when she goes to smoke."

In addition, I paid for her college. Not her parents. I sent her to college and to MS school. She no longer works and I support her 100%. If I had know she had messed around on me before I got married, I would never have married her. Now all my children are well over 18 so I have no reason to keep her. She doesn't cook, clean or care for me. Her big "job" is the occasional shopping trip where she spends my money. It use to be our money but I no longer have any idea what she is doing with the money. She has stopped paying bills. She leaves the house all the time to go see friends at a local diner. She has done so much to me over the years. When I was young and just met her, she kept me sexed up. 2 or 3 times a day and I do believe that affected my ability to make rational choices. But know the sex has long since been cut off. Now it is promises of "I'll be up when my show goes off" only to find her sound asleep in her chair in the den, tv still on.
I do appreciate everyone writing in trying to help me out of this knot. Thank you.
Solomind Jan 3, 2022


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## Solomind (Dec 19, 2021)

syhoybenden said:


> Jeez you must really need a smoke.
> 
> How many packs a day do you normally do?


I am a controlling Lunatic because I expect someone to keep there word? I guess it is easy to throw those words about when you have no skin in the game. She could have walked at any time. No one controlled her. I helped her through college because her parents couldn't be bothered. If she wanted to smoke I was fine with it, but not as my girlfriend. She could have gone her way anytime. But because I expect someone to keep there word, I become the villian. I hope your philosophy works well for you in your marriage.


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## Elise2022 (Jan 2, 2022)

Solomind said:


> I know this will probably seem stupid to everyone reading this for several reasons and I am aware of this.
> But the thing is, it still bothers me a great deal. The wife feels it is a non issue because it occured "so long ago."
> Here is goes:
> I have been with my wife since HS and we have been married for a long time now. In HS I made sure she knew I was not ok with smoking cigarettes or pot. I had a step father that used to blow cigarette smoke in my face and hold my wrist while he burned me with his cigarette. About the time I met my wife to be I got a little size on me and this stopped. She was aware of this becase I told her when she asked about my burn scars. I didn't even hang out with friends that smoked.
> ...





Solomind said:


> I know this will probably seem stupid to everyone reading this for several reasons and I am aware of this.
> But the thing is, it still bothers me a great deal. The wife feels it is a non issue because it occured "so long ago."
> Here is goes:
> I have been with my wife since HS and we have been married for a long time now. In HS I made sure she knew I was not ok with smoking cigarettes or pot. I had a step father that used to blow cigarette smoke in my face and hold my wrist while he burned me with his cigarette. About the time I met my wife to be I got a little size on me and this stopped. She was aware of this becase I told her when she asked about my burn scars. I didn't even hang out with friends that smoked.
> ...


If you still love her, be tolerant. If you don't love her, start to consider whether the consequences of leaving are acceptable. If you can accept it, you can arrange follow-up things.

If the child is still young, give up, if the child is already in college, you start a new life again, it’s not too late.


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## Solomind (Dec 19, 2021)

SunCMars said:


> We can agree on her action, because it was *admitted to.
> The motive can only be guessed at.
> 
> Some here in TAM world, are good guessers.
> ...


KING BRIAN

Sir, I am here. I must admit, I did not expect to have so many people reply, much less have anyone support me. I have long since lost the feeling that anyone had my back or supported me.
This is the first time I have posted about this and I am not sure what exactly you would like me to add. With the exception of our ID's, I would be willing to tell you more. Help me out with what more you would like to know. Or ask some questions to get me started and I will try to flesh it out more.
So, King B, what more can i tell you?
Thanks
Solomind


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

I sounds like you married a selfish woman who never grew up. She was never prepared for an adult relationship that would require her to give back or make sacrifices.

Honestly, what does she bring to the table at this point? I mean, even if she did finally stop smoking, big deal. She'd still be the same selfish, deceitful person underneath. She's not even going through the motions of being a good wife. Move on without her.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

jonty30 said:


> He says they were broke up when she had the sex.
> It was him who initiated the break-up, not her. So, she can't be accused of breaking up with the intent of having sex with a guy and then getting back together with him.


Unless she manipulated the situation to get him to break up with her?


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

MattMatt said:


> Unless she manipulated the situation to get him to break up with her?


That is entirely possible. 
I hadn't thought of that at the time I read the story.


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## Megaforce (Nov 12, 2021)

So, why does she not even work? Spends money, lies, etc. Pretty entitled. It will probably cost you to get divorced, unfortunately.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

First thing is to find the best divorce lawyer in your area. Then talk with the rest of the top five so your wife can’t use them. 

Second thing is to tell your soon to be ex wife to get a job.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Rus47 said:


> If she loved you she would have quit smoking long ago. But she has chosen to lie to you and continue her romance with smoking instead. And evidently she has no trouble lying about other things as well. So this is what you have for a wife.
> 
> The only thing that is a little surprising is that as an ex-smoker I can tell if someone lit one yesterday when they walk by, can detect a smoker a mile away. Surprising that you dont' smell it on her always. The smell sickens me now.


This X 1000.
I'm a former 2 pack a day smoker. I quit in 1985, and have not had one since.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Solomind said:


> Thank you for your reply.
> Re your comment about her lying, "She has looked me straight in the eye and sworn to all holy that she is not lying." I offered to get her help to stop smoking, "I'm Not smoking!" She is very deceitful and I guess I just missed it when I was young and dumb.
> 
> There seemed to be inconsistencies through the years. And yes, I can smell the smoke very easily. I may not have mentioned it; I was pretty upset when I wrote this piece asking for help, a hand, support....I am not sure what, but she also when to great and I mean GREAT lengths to clean herself before returning home. She wore rubber gloves when she smoked and a hooded jacket. Everything would get a spritz of Fabreeze in addition. So not only was she smoking, but working hard to keep me from finding out. Even when I did, when I had pictures to show her, she would deny it. I never stalked her and it got to the point where I just stopped careing but on occasion I would get a voice in my head telling me to find her and she would be somewhere smoking. We have trackers on our phones so we can locate each other and hers usually "malfunctions" when she goes to smoke."
> ...


There is a fundamental reason that she does this,
Because she can.
Unless you actually know where there is a rumpled old man with a flux capacitor and a DeLorean, you can't undo the past.
However, you can change the dynamic and be in charge of your future.
You might benefit from Glover's book "No More Mr. Nice Guy."
Study up on the 180 and implement it to give yourself some clarity.
Follow the protocol outlined on this forum many times: New clothes, buff up at the gym, start developing interests that do not involve her, etc. Let her see and experience the distance. Let her feel some uncertainty. Could be therapeutic for her.
Take this time and develop your case. Sounds like she has a choice to make; She either goes with smoking/lying/and what ever else, or a relationship with you.
Sit down with a legal pad and plot your case. Anticipate potential counters from her. Get responses to those on paper.
She is probably going to have beefs with you. Some of those may be legit. Offer the appropriate counseling venue to address those grievances.
Hold her feet to the fire. No is not an appropriate answer.
I've learned that sometimes you have to break it to fix it. Actions speak louder than noise. You may have to walk, at least temporarily, to make the point and set a tone.
If there is legitimately anything to work with, she may step up. She is more apt to do so, if she truly feels that you are done.
However, you are in charge of your destiny. Change is hard. Status quo is easy.
BTW, You may want to tell her to get off her a**, and put that Graduate degree you financed to work for the household.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Solomind said:


> Thank you for your reply.
> Re your comment about her lying, "She has looked me straight in the eye and sworn to all holy that she is not lying." I offered to get her help to stop smoking, "I'm Not smoking!" She is very deceitful and I guess I just missed it when I was young and dumb.
> 
> There seemed to be inconsistencies through the years. And yes, I can smell the smoke very easily. I may not have mentioned it; I was pretty upset when I wrote this piece asking for help, a hand, support....I am not sure what, but she also when to great and I mean GREAT lengths to clean herself before returning home. She wore rubber gloves when she smoked and a hooded jacket. Everything would get a spritz of Fabreeze in addition. So not only was she smoking, but working hard to keep me from finding out. Even when I did, when I had pictures to show her, she would deny it. I never stalked her and it got to the point where I just stopped careing but on occasion I would get a voice in my head telling me to find her and she would be somewhere smoking. We have trackers on our phones so we can locate each other and hers usually "malfunctions" when she goes to smoke."
> ...


Setting aside the cheating in high school for the moment, the problem I see here is that you've put up with her smoking many times over the years, so I can understand that she would blow up at yet another instance of you complaining about her smoking. If this really was a problem for you then you should have given a real ultimatum years ago and stuck to it. Now it has no impact. Also, keep in mind the she has an addiction. Would you feel the same way if she got hooked on opioids rather than cigarettes? I think you are justified in leaving over either if you so choose, but just something to think about. 

The smoking may not be enough to leave over, but everything else certainly sounds that way to me. In the most technical sense of the word she didn't cheat. You were broken up, so NSA at that point. However, the timing certainly indicates she at the very least did it to get back at you (especially since she chose someone you didn't like) or she had it planned and was just waiting for the right breakup opportunity. No matter what the reason, she was wrong IMO. 

Now this new info you have provided makes it out to be even worse. Based on your last paragraph here, which honestly I'm questioning it's full truth, I have no idea why you are married or what stupidity got you to this point. Why would she have a college degree and adult children, but not work? She doesn't work, doesn't clean, doesn't cook, is not busy with kids, stopped paying the bills, and doesn't have sex with you. That means she does pretty much nothing whatsoever. Is that really true? If so, why did you allow it to get to this point and why do you continue to put up with this behavior? To throw some salt in the wound, she will probably be getting a good chunk of your money in a divorce since she doesn't work. 

Have you heard of the Four Horsemen of relationship failure? They are criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling and they are knocking at your door. Some of these from time to time in a relationship can be expected, but when they become the dominant components of your marriage you are in trouble. I can very obviously see a high level of criticism and contempt in you posts. Odds are there is quite a bit of the others going on too. This marriage is well on its way to going down the tubes. It is up to you to make the next move to try to save it or finally put it out of its misery.


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## oldtruck (Feb 15, 2018)

manwithnoname said:


> She probably orchestrated each quick breakup to feel less guilt every time she wanted to go **** someone else.





Solomind said:


> Thank you for your reply.
> Re your comment about her lying, "She has looked me straight in the eye and sworn to all holy that she is not lying." I offered to get her help to stop smoking, "I'm Not smoking!" She is very deceitful and I guess I just missed it when I was young and dumb.
> 
> There seemed to be inconsistencies through the years. And yes, I can smell the smoke very easily. I may not have mentioned it; I was pretty upset when I wrote this piece asking for help, a hand, support....I am not sure what, but she also when to great and I mean GREAT lengths to clean herself before returning home. She wore rubber gloves when she smoked and a hooded jacket. Everything would get a spritz of Fabreeze in addition. So not only was she smoking, but working hard to keep me from finding out. Even when I did, when I had pictures to show her, she would deny it. I never stalked her and it got to the point where I just stopped careing but on occasion I would get a voice in my head telling me to find her and she would be somewhere smoking. We have trackers on our phones so we can locate each other and hers usually "malfunctions" when she goes to smoke."
> ...


Reading this..........now is the time to divorce her.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Solomind,

While it might be far in the past for her it is very fresh for you, and must have been on her mind for decades.

I would question if in some ways you were not her plan A, but were her plan B in a romantic sense, you were more useful than the other guy and treated her well. If you feel that way you are not alone in doing so.

Given that she felt ok about lying about smoking for all these years, I would want to know if she had other affairs while she was married to you. You describe a person who never felt much for you except that you provided and gave while she took. 

I would suggest you have her write out a timeline for her affair and then take a polygraph. Yes this is not something you would divorce over, but it is something you would get an annulment over, since she lied to you by omission when she married you without disclosure.

Can you contact the OM to try and verify her story, normally affairs have long emotional phases before the sex happens.


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## ArthurGPym (Jun 28, 2021)

You know what you need to do. Stop stalling and making excuses and just do it.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

So, you told her not to smoke, and out of vindictiveness she goes and screws another guy. You find out years later, and for her it is ancient history, plus she put one over on you. For you, it was yesterday, plus, had you known at the time of your marriage, you would never have married her. First, tell her this, Second, DO NOT TELL HER that you are seeing an attorney. I believe a surprise divorce would be in order. Oh, I do know several versions of your wife. Seen them over the years. The only way they could hurt their husbands and feel vindicated in whatever their problem was, is to sleep with another guy. One fellow, discovered that his wife had betrayed him in their 30's. They were in their 60's. He surprised her with a D filing. Moved out that day. Her reaction? "I'm too old and fat to attract anything now, I'm going to be alone, how dare he do this to me?" He did end up with an attractive mid-40s widow. His exWW is a bitter and angry woman, and she still believes that she should receive credit for th 95% of the marriage where she was faithful. It has been explained to her a multitude of times, mostly by her grown children. They keep saying that her affair, even years ago, was a deal-breaker for their father. She absolutely hates that he is happy and he travels with the new girlfriend.


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## VintageRetro (Apr 13, 2021)

I just would like to point out the reason OP does not like her smoking or being around smokers. Other than her lies about it.

His stepfather BURNED him with cigarettes.

I'm not a mental health professional but I must not be the only person that sees this as the trigger of all triggers.

I think labeling him a control freak or controlling is a little harsh.

As for sleeping with his rival within a 12 hour break/make up, well I'm in the the camp of "that's a little suspicious". But after reading his last post I'm inclined to believe she is exhibiting behavior that I myself see now as indicative of someone that has at the least, checked out of the marriage and the worst a person that is having an affair. 

OP you've gotten good advice. Based on my personal experience use it. At a minimum see a lawyer and see what divorce looks like. Knowledge and keeping your mouth shut and watching are your greatest strengths right now. Be firm and deliberate with your actions. And know that everything you say or do can and will be used against you when/if things go wrong. 

Sent from my Pixel 6 Pro using Tapatalk


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## Chaparralredux (Apr 21, 2021)

Actually, with what you’ve added in your latest posts, no sex, out of the house with “friends” at the diner a lot, etc. I would be surprised if she isn’t cheating now!


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Regarding the smoking and lying, my father did that all the time. He'd quit then start up again and lie about it.

He'd come in reeking of cigarettes and look you in the face and lie. I think he was ashamed that he kept going back.

I remember once telling him he stunk. He denied it again and I told him there was no need to lie....the smell was obvious. He raised his voice and said "I DON'T SMOKE CIGARETTES".

I shook my head and walked away.

He died 10 years ago at age 67 of lung cancer. Ironically I'm pretty sure he had quit about 5 years before his diagnosis but after so many years of smoking the damage was done.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

Chaparralredux said:


> Actually, with what you’ve added in your latest posts, no sex, out of the house with “friends” at the diner a lot, etc. I would be surprised if she isn’t cheating now!


She cheated when they "broke up" for less than a day, very likely she is not faithful after effectively checking out.


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## BarbedFenceRider (Mar 30, 2018)

How long when you first started dating that you had sex for the first time with her?
And now, after breaking up for close to 12 hours later, she beds another chad/ tyrone….News flash, she was hooking up with guys waay before you got with her. Just sayin’.
As for the smoking now? Kinda hard to say you want to stay with someone that is so easily self destructive which lacks respect to the supposed “life” partner.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

@Solomind, Why do you think you are stupid for the way you feel and for what you believe? You came here thinking that you were being petty about your wife's deception and lies. I think the real problem is that your wife thinks she should be able to deceive you with no consequences. You don't trust her. That's on her, not on you. She has shown herself to be untrustworthy, not only by her deception and lies, but by her response to your shock and anger about what she did to you.

Clearly, your wife doesn't have your back. You support her while she does whatever she wants. She does not want to keep the house nice. That is laziness.

What kind of conversations have you had with your wife about her lack of care for the house? Why is she not working? Does she have a reason why she thinks it's your job to support her? She doesn't appear to be bringing a contribution to this situation.

Why aren't you two having sex? Have you spoken to her about it?

Look, I can see that she isn't good at difficult conversations, but things are pretty bad already. Why not start trying to communicate about your dissatisfaction with her lack of concern for you and her lack of responsibility for participating in the running of the household and bringing in money?

This is coming from a woman who hasn't had a job in 27 years. We raised our kids, I went back to school, I was a caregiver for my mother. Now that has changed, since my mother recently passed away. But, I do a ton of things to contribute to our lives. My husband relies on me to take care of the house, help with the grandchildren, and make sure things are running smoothly. He wouldn't stop me from going back to work, but he likes having me home, as it makes his life easier. Your wife should be making your life easier, not living off you as a freeloader.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Mrs. Solomind knew without doubt that if Solomind knew about her trist with this guy he hated, he never would have gone back with her or married her, that is why she didn't tell him.

Was it technical cheating, no it was not.... but the lack of admission of what she did in the 12 hours of their separation did cause a marriage to happen on false pretenses. She knew it was bad and painful for Solomind which is exactly why she lobbed that bomb at him during an argument. Any reasonable person could see that this was deceitful and wrong, regardless of the 12 hour breakup.

Solomind has been trampled on and used for the security and stability he provides her. She is a bad partner. She is a liar. He should stand up for himself and end this relationship and do so without fearing the unknown future he is creating for himself, because time after time, we see those who move on succeed in finding happiness.


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## oldtruck (Feb 15, 2018)

re16 said:


> Mrs. Solomind knew without doubt that if Solomind knew about her trist with this guy he hated, he never would have gone back with her or married her, that is why she didn't tell him.
> 
> Was it technical cheating, no it was not.... but the lack of admission of what she did in the 12 hours of their separation did cause a marriage to happen on false pretenses. She knew it was bad and painful for Solomind which is exactly why she lobbed that bomb at him during an argument. Any reasonable person could see that this was deceitful and wrong, regardless of the 12 hour breakup.
> 
> Solomind has been trampled on and used for the security and stability he provides her. She is a bad partner. She is a liar. He should stand up for himself and end this relationship and do so without fearing the unknown future he is creating for himself, because time after time, we see those who move on succeed in finding happiness.


It was definitely cheating.

It was also lying.

Lying by omission is still lying.

Many a woman has used the line we are breaking up to her mate because she wanted to try an OM
for a ride and she if she can upgrade on her mate.

Later planning to make up with her BH claiming it was the "it was not cheating defense".

This woman did not even wait the necessary time to put fresh sheets on the bed before doing her OM, 
and still not allowing enough time for her to put fresh sheets on the bed for her BH.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Solomind said:


> I know this will probably seem stupid to everyone reading this for several reasons and I am aware of this.
> But the thing is, it still bothers me a great deal. The wife feels it is a non issue because it occured "so long ago."
> Here is goes:
> I have been with my wife since HS and we have been married for a long time now. In HS I made sure she knew I was not ok with smoking cigarettes or pot. I had a step father that used to blow cigarette smoke in my face and hold my wrist while he burned me with his cigarette. About the time I met my wife to be I got a little size on me and this stopped. She was aware of this becase I told her when she asked about my burn scars. I didn't even hang out with friends that smoked.
> ...


So a couple of things, first off, I can't tell you the number of stories where the one spouse says - I put her through college, I quit my career for them, I sacrificed so much and they turned around and did such an such (basically became entitled and took it for granted). Assuming both spouses are healthy, then when one spouse is doing anything and everything for the other, the marriage isn't healthy. This is not a healthy dynamic, or partnership if one person needs to bend over backwards for the other. It's a red flag.

Knights in shining armor go die for the princess, she marries the prince. Quit being so nice.

Second though I think divorcing someone for smoking is pretty over the top, her actions are demonstrating the fact that your wife is sneaky and even if you go by her thinking that she technically didn't cheat (which I think is ********) just the lying part is a huge problem. I would ask how was this guy even around if you were dating. I would bet money there was a lot more going on with this guy while you were dating. I would probably want a polygraph because her story doesn't make logical sense.

Next I haven't read this whole thread but let me ask, is your wife your "one and only" and did you think you were hers as well? (That makes it so much worse and will probably be almost impossible to recover from).

Put that all together and it's clear your suffering because your wife isn't honest and you were not given the ability to make informed decisions about your future. Your wife consistently hid from you the reality of who she was an therefore who you were marrying. Next time she give you a hard time, you tell her that. "You stole my agency, and you didn't allow me to have informed consent about my future by hiding this from me. There are not a lot of actions that take away informed consent but like all the others, this situation is just as horrible." Get used to saying those words - informed consent, she will get it and probably not like it.

Also this is brand new to you so it's like it just happened, your wife has learned to live with it for decades. Hell she told it to you in anger which is some more ******** if you ask me.

Despite what your wife say now you should be very weary about trusting her. She has proven that she can lie and do so for a long time. There are a bunch of significant red flags with your wife. She doesn't really seem like an honest person. She is content to lie and manipulate you to get what she wants. She can be very cruel to you in anger. Finally and just as bad in my mind, she doesn't seem to have very much empathy for you. Frankly she seems like kind of a jerk.

Is it that much of a stretch to think this wasn't a one time thing? I don't think so. Even if you believe her story you have a fight, break up and she does some other guy, either out of spite, because she always wanted to and saw her chance, because she was always a cheater, or she is just very impulsive, all of those things are scary. Maybe she has been faithful, I don't know but it's not unreasonable to think someone who could do that is risky.

Say she was telling the truth then I don't think this would be an irrecoverable situation, except for everything I just wrote describing how your wife has and is still acting. If she continues to do so your resentment is just going to escalate to the point where it kills the marriage. It seems to already be doing that.

Honestly man this isn't about trusting your wife. I think a lot of your struggle is you are not being assertive with your wife and telling her exactly where you are at. You may struggle to say it but also you aren't acting out of confidence that you have a right to feel the way you do. 

It sounds like you are being passive aggressive and letting this anger spill over into everything, which gives you wife the chance to obfuscate the real problem and blend it into the issues of the day. You need to be clear in what your problem is, like I wrote above. Write a letter if you have to, write it and leave for a day or two. (ha, you could even write something snarky like I am going to leave for a few days to clear my head and I don't give you permission to sleep with someone else. Nah maybe not.)

You need to be assertive and clearly state what's bothering you. Until you are you still haven't taken back your agency and you are going to suffer.

I think you should let her know how you feel and that the marriage is in very real danger.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Solomind said:


> Thank you for your reply.
> Re your comment about her lying, "She has looked me straight in the eye and sworn to all holy that she is not lying." I offered to get her help to stop smoking, "I'm Not smoking!" She is very deceitful and I guess I just missed it when I was young and dumb.
> 
> There seemed to be inconsistencies through the years. And yes, I can smell the smoke very easily. I may not have mentioned it; I was pretty upset when I wrote this piece asking for help, a hand, support....I am not sure what, but she also when to great and I mean GREAT lengths to clean herself before returning home. She wore rubber gloves when she smoked and a hooded jacket. Everything would get a spritz of Fabreeze in addition. So not only was she smoking, but working hard to keep me from finding out. Even when I did, when I had pictures to show her, she would deny it. I never stalked her and it got to the point where I just stopped careing but on occasion I would get a voice in my head telling me to find her and she would be somewhere smoking. We have trackers on our phones so we can locate each other and hers usually "malfunctions" when she goes to smoke."
> ...


OK more information to add to my post. Again you are too nice. Look at what you wrote. 

You not her parents, yet you payed for he college, she doesn't work, and she hides smoking from you, oh and you don't have a sexual relationship. DUDE YOU ARE HER FATHER!

This is not a healthy dynamic and very typical of bad marriages, often with cheating, even without that, when one spouse does everything it creates a parent child dynamic. Kids have a tendency to get entitled. This has to change. You are way to unassertive. 

Nothing is going to change unless you do.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Solomind said:


> When I was young and just met her, she kept me sexed up. 2 or 3 times a day and I do believe that affected my ability to make rational choices.


Indeed!
We really can not blame you for that!

But as you said, when the sex stopped, your eyes opened up wide!


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Chaparralredux said:


> Actually, with what you’ve added in your latest posts, no sex, out of the house with “friends” at the diner a lot, etc. I would be surprised if she isn’t cheating now!


Probable cheating, but I see behavior like this as the distillation of a life spent disrespecting your spouse. He paid, he educated her, he supported her, she no longer has to work, and she can carry on with her husband footing the bills. 

She kind of deserves to get a little comeuppance. Would not be a bad idea to spend on a PI.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Being a martyr doesn’t get you much. You do have a choice.


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## GG1061 (Apr 20, 2021)

jonty30 said:


> He says they were broke up when she had the sex.
> It was him who initiated the break-up, not her. So, she can't be accused of breaking up with the intent of having sex with a guy and then getting back together with him.
> 
> Yeah, but to bag someone that quickly means she had him waiting in the wings or knew he would be willing.


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