# Help, wife is on a rampage



## HeavenHelpMe

All,

I'll probably be mentioning too many details in this post, and it is going to be long and rambling, but I really need some advice here. 

I was addicted to porn since I was 12 years old, I am now in my mid-30's. At first it started out as a nromal curiousity and then developed into a way to try to cope with a lot of feelings from a complicated childhood and past. I know a lot of people will say using porn to cope with feelings is crap, and they won't understand it, but if any man really gets down to the heart of the issue and is honest with himself, he will realize that he isn't looking at porn for just some cheap thrill.

At any rate, I have always hated being addicted to porn, and I tried to stop for the last 20+ years. Of course with the advent of the internet, etc it became more and more of an issue. 

Along with this, I was always afraid of being very close to anyone, especially when it came to being intimate. Even just being out with my wife shopping I would panic if I started to feel too much. As an example, she wanted to go into the Holiday section at the store and I started to panic and get very angry and just wanted to go home. The truth is, I was really enjoying being around her and the thought of dreaming of a perfect Holiday Season, and hoping for it, etc made me feel panic. 

I had a lot of loss growing up that is difficult to explain. It has to do with being adopted, not knowing who my real father is, having many half-sisters with severe mental illness, my natural mother with mental illness, etc. I also have half-brothers and sisters that were severely physically abused by her when they were infants, including one that I had no idea what happened to him, but my adopted parents told me he was likely dead or severely brain damaged based on what they knew of the inscident. But I found him a few years ago and he is doing very well, is happily married, has a Masters degree, etc. 

As I said I have always shied away from becoming too close to anyone, even though it's my deepest desire. I want to have a close intimate relationship with my wife very very much.

She found out about the porn addiction after we had been married for a year or two. She went looking on the advice of a coworker at the Internet cache, etc because she was talking to him about how I never wanted to be intimate, etc. 

Needless to say, in my heart I was hating myself and desperately wanting to be understood and "healed". 

When she found out she went pretty ballistic, and we have some severe fights. 

I should mention that when we were dating, the only thing she ever wanted to do was make out, and I wanted to do other things to get to know her better (bowling, dancing, etc). And I really actually resented how she would get so enraged if I didn't come instantly when she would call me when we were dating. She one hand is very very sweet and loving, but when something happens, even the very slightest thing that she perceives as being against her when it comes to her self image she transforms into an absolute menace. And I don't simply say that out of anger towards her. It really is pretty scary.

I tried to stop about 5 or 6 years ago. In my church they consider pornography a very serious sin and you must confess it to the ecclesiastical authority. So, because I wanted to stop, I confessed it to the authority and to my wife. She went crazy for months on end. She would call my work constantly, ALL day long... she would pretend to be a customer calling in and make up a completely fabricated story about something I had done to try to get me in trouble at work. She would be physically abusive to me at home and then call the police on ME. Etc, etc. Needless to say, she attempted to tear apart my life in every which area she possibly could. She told my family and her family very embarrasing details of our issues, she told people in the neighborhood, her friends, etc. At that point, I really wasn't ready to stop looking at porn, and wasn't strong enough, but I really didn't know it. 

Her behavior was the absolute worse thing she could do, because it made me feel extremely insecure, scared, intimidated, ashamed, guilty, etc.. which makes people turn back to that crap (porn).

So, I continued doing it for the next 5 years and I lied to her that I wasn't.

I continued to gain confidence in myself and turn to porn less and less, but I kept mindlessly doing it even though I felt very little. 

I finally got to the point where I felt that enough was enough, I was sick of doing it. I talked to my church leader and talked to my wife. I was actually disciplined by the church. My wife went absolutely ballistic. She is like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. I'm sure she feels that way about me as well. But she places absolutely every last bit of her self-worth wrapped up in this. Like I said, when we were dating she only wanted to make out the whole time, and if I didn't it means I didn't love her, want her, or think she was beautiful.. and that made me feel very resentful. She was always very controlling, and I had to play things her way or else. 

Well, here are the things she has done over the last 6 months:

Called my work 10's of 10000's of times (no joke). One day she called 115 times in a 4 hour period. This has continued for 6 months. Some days less, some days a ton.

She has called Management at my work countless times to get them to come tell me to call her.

She has showed up at my desk at work demanding that I leave and come talk to her. I eventually had Security kick her out.

The first time she found out about this she went out and started seeing another guy and kissed him, etc.

She called a coworker of mine and started threatening him because she heard he had laughed and made a joke about her getting kicked out of my office.

She has told various people throughout the neighborhood, classmates at her school, her family, etc very embarassing details about all of this.

The police have been over on various occasions after she has attacked me.

One time she called the police because I was downstairs in the basement and she left "to go to a hotel" and came back 30 minutes later to find the baby upstairs and me downstairs (big freaking deal.. I can hear the baby perfectly well and I take extremely good loving care of my children). So the Police of course told her I had done nothing wrong and there was nothing wrong for her to press charges for.

She screams out the windows of the house that I am a porn addict and worst of all she screams that I'm a pedophile.

*EVERY* waking minute for the last 6 months has been about this subject and this subject alone. She has wanted to hear every last little detail of absolutely everything.

She has "banned" me from business trips, my blackberry, and the internet. All of which are very essential for my job. I've had this job for 10 years and it pays ~ 90k. Not exactly something I want to lose and watch my 5 kids and family suffer.

I have gone to Sex Addiction counseling for the last 6 months, and currently we are in marriage counseling together. The church authority told her that she has "hardened her heart more than anyone he has ever seen". She replied that "Well nobody else has had to deal with this". He replied "No, they had to deal with far FAR worse". 

I should mention also that I have not looked at porn or masturbated for the last 6 months, nor have I wanted to. I feel I have been freed from this terrible addiction through counseling and sincere prayer, and this freedom is real this time.

I find it vile and disgusting. It destroyed my parents marriage, and it has put mine in a very bad spot.

I have never done anything that involved another live human being. I have never been to Hooters, I have never been to a strip club, etc. 

I have never tasted alcohol, never smoked a cigarette, I work hard and treat my children with love and kindness and provide for my family very well.

I do have to say over the years I was very verbally abusive to my wife as well. 

I have been doing nothing but trying to change my life and make amends for the last 6 months and it doesn't seem to be making much difference at all.

So nowadays it has boiled down to me answering her yes/no questions and if I don't answer them how SHE wants to hear them, she is still on the warpath.

It started with "did you have lust for those women?" ... I tried to be honest and say "Well, yes.. and it was very misplaced, and if I had been healthy and felt respect for myself I wouldn't have done that crap".

That answer eventually HAD to be changed to "No, I only wanted you and ever you, and I hated porn and the lust was actually for you, but due to intimacy issues I turned to the porn". (Which really is true).

So then it changed to "Were you ever turned on by those women". How do I answer that?

The counselors have talked about how there is a chemical response to visual stimulation. So now her question is "Did you ever have a chemical response to those women, and if you did I Cannot be your wife".

So... here I am wanting to be flat out rigorously honest with myself and with her. So how can I say that I am wired differently and such a saint that I didn't feel any of these things? She isn't asking how I feel NOW. She is asking how I felt THEN. I have to alter the past somehow. My children are seenig and hearing her antics. I had to bolt a 2x4 across the basement door so she wouldn't smash through it again to come stand and scream at the top of her lungs at me. I am losing all respect and love for her. But, I am absolutely determined for our marriage to not only work out, but to flourish. I will not accept less than the best for my family. I want use to live an excellent life. 

I don't know how to get past here extremely manipulation, abuse, and gestapo-like questioning sessions. For the first 5 months I tried to be extremely loving and understanding and then she would just do completely terrible things and say "I wanted to see if your answers would change even if I Was horrible to you". Well YES, I am going to want to lash out and hurt her if she is out to destroy everything in our lives to get even.

Anyway, I don't know what to do. The counselor seemed very interested in her behavior and was asking "Is she this obsessed and controlling about other things?" and I told him "No, just about her looks". 

Her own mother told her that she has no dignity. Everyone she gets involved gets pissed off at her and pushes her away because if they don't side with her and agree with her for everything she is saying she turns on them.

It scares me how much everything else in her life is put on hold, even her own children and the only thing that matters whatsoever is HER. Her alone. My poor kids are desperate and hear her screaming divorce and all sorts of swearing and just absolutely being out of control.


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## mbrouwer

Wow, there's a lot going on here. I work with men in recovery and have seen a lot of situations like this (details and extremity varies of course), and they are always challenging. The bottom line is that just because you have done wrong in the relationship (your sexual behavior) does not mean your wife can treat you in an abusive way. It's one thing for spouses of sex addicts to go over the top in anger in the initial phase of disclosure, it's another for a pattern of ongoing abuse. It sounds like there has been an ongoing pattern of dysfunction from both sides ... and there's obviously lots of work to do. You may need to think about some kind of separation from each other, or at least commitment to not try to work through big issues (ie. have fights) outside of being in a counselor's office. You may need to restrict the important conversations to time with the counselor ... so he or she can help you stay on track and be sure you're listening to each other.

I have a blog about recovery from sex addiction ... sexualsanity.com ... and there are other articles there that might be helpful for both of you. Blessings!
- Mark


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## MEM2020

HHM,
For the moment - lets ignore the porn and just talk about how you interact with your W. How often do you initiate sex? How often does she? How many times a month do you two connect sexually? 




HeavenHelpMe said:


> All,
> 
> I'll probably be mentioning too many details in this post, and it is going to be long and rambling, but I really need some advice here.
> 
> I was addicted to porn since I was 12 years old, I am now in my mid-30's. At first it started out as a nromal curiousity and then developed into a way to try to cope with a lot of feelings from a complicated childhood and past. I know a lot of people will say using porn to cope with feelings is crap, and they won't understand it, but if any man really gets down to the heart of the issue and is honest with himself, he will realize that he isn't looking at porn for just some cheap thrill.
> 
> At any rate, I have always hated being addicted to porn, and I tried to stop for the last 20+ years. Of course with the advent of the internet, etc it became more and more of an issue.
> 
> Along with this, I was always afraid of being very close to anyone, especially when it came to being intimate. Even just being out with my wife shopping I would panic if I started to feel too much. As an example, she wanted to go into the Holiday section at the store and I started to panic and get very angry and just wanted to go home. The truth is, I was really enjoying being around her and the thought of dreaming of a perfect Holiday Season, and hoping for it, etc made me feel panic.
> 
> I had a lot of loss growing up that is difficult to explain. It has to do with being adopted, not knowing who my real father is, having many half-sisters with severe mental illness, my natural mother with mental illness, etc. I also have half-brothers and sisters that were severely physically abused by her when they were infants, including one that I had no idea what happened to him, but my adopted parents told me he was likely dead or severely brain damaged based on what they knew of the inscident. But I found him a few years ago and he is doing very well, is happily married, has a Masters degree, etc.
> 
> As I said I have always shied away from becoming too close to anyone, even though it's my deepest desire. I want to have a close intimate relationship with my wife very very much.
> 
> She found out about the porn addiction after we had been married for a year or two. She went looking on the advice of a coworker at the Internet cache, etc because she was talking to him about how I never wanted to be intimate, etc.
> 
> Needless to say, in my heart I was hating myself and desperately wanting to be understood and "healed".
> 
> When she found out she went pretty ballistic, and we have some severe fights.
> 
> I should mention that when we were dating, the only thing she ever wanted to do was make out, and I wanted to do other things to get to know her better (bowling, dancing, etc). And I really actually resented how she would get so enraged if I didn't come instantly when she would call me when we were dating. She one hand is very very sweet and loving, but when something happens, even the very slightest thing that she perceives as being against her when it comes to her self image she transforms into an absolute menace. And I don't simply say that out of anger towards her. It really is pretty scary.
> 
> I tried to stop about 5 or 6 years ago. In my church they consider pornography a very serious sin and you must confess it to the ecclesiastical authority. So, because I wanted to stop, I confessed it to the authority and to my wife. She went crazy for months on end. She would call my work constantly, ALL day long... she would pretend to be a customer calling in and make up a completely fabricated story about something I had done to try to get me in trouble at work. She would be physically abusive to me at home and then call the police on ME. Etc, etc. Needless to say, she attempted to tear apart my life in every which area she possibly could. She told my family and her family very embarrasing details of our issues, she told people in the neighborhood, her friends, etc. At that point, I really wasn't ready to stop looking at porn, and wasn't strong enough, but I really didn't know it.
> 
> Her behavior was the absolute worse thing she could do, because it made me feel extremely insecure, scared, intimidated, ashamed, guilty, etc.. which makes people turn back to that crap (porn).
> 
> So, I continued doing it for the next 5 years and I lied to her that I wasn't.
> 
> I continued to gain confidence in myself and turn to porn less and less, but I kept mindlessly doing it even though I felt very little.
> 
> I finally got to the point where I felt that enough was enough, I was sick of doing it. I talked to my church leader and talked to my wife. I was actually disciplined by the church. My wife went absolutely ballistic. She is like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. I'm sure she feels that way about me as well. But she places absolutely every last bit of her self-worth wrapped up in this. Like I said, when we were dating she only wanted to make out the whole time, and if I didn't it means I didn't love her, want her, or think she was beautiful.. and that made me feel very resentful. She was always very controlling, and I had to play things her way or else.
> 
> Well, here are the things she has done over the last 6 months:
> 
> Called my work 10's of 10000's of times (no joke). One day she called 115 times in a 4 hour period. This has continued for 6 months. Some days less, some days a ton.
> 
> She has called Management at my work countless times to get them to come tell me to call her.
> 
> She has showed up at my desk at work demanding that I leave and come talk to her. I eventually had Security kick her out.
> 
> The first time she found out about this she went out and started seeing another guy and kissed him, etc.
> 
> She called a coworker of mine and started threatening him because she heard he had laughed and made a joke about her getting kicked out of my office.
> 
> She has told various people throughout the neighborhood, classmates at her school, her family, etc very embarassing details about all of this.
> 
> The police have been over on various occasions after she has attacked me.
> 
> One time she called the police because I was downstairs in the basement and she left "to go to a hotel" and came back 30 minutes later to find the baby upstairs and me downstairs (big freaking deal.. I can hear the baby perfectly well and I take extremely good loving care of my children). So the Police of course told her I had done nothing wrong and there was nothing wrong for her to press charges for.
> 
> She screams out the windows of the house that I am a porn addict and worst of all she screams that I'm a pedophile.
> 
> *EVERY* waking minute for the last 6 months has been about this subject and this subject alone. She has wanted to hear every last little detail of absolutely everything.
> 
> She has "banned" me from business trips, my blackberry, and the internet. All of which are very essential for my job. I've had this job for 10 years and it pays ~ 90k. Not exactly something I want to lose and watch my 5 kids and family suffer.
> 
> I have gone to Sex Addiction counseling for the last 6 months, and currently we are in marriage counseling together. The church authority told her that she has "hardened her heart more than anyone he has ever seen". She replied that "Well nobody else has had to deal with this". He replied "No, they had to deal with far FAR worse".
> 
> I should mention also that I have not looked at porn or masturbated for the last 6 months, nor have I wanted to. I feel I have been freed from this terrible addiction through counseling and sincere prayer, and this freedom is real this time.
> 
> I find it vile and disgusting. It destroyed my parents marriage, and it has put mine in a very bad spot.
> 
> I have never done anything that involved another live human being. I have never been to Hooters, I have never been to a strip club, etc.
> 
> I have never tasted alcohol, never smoked a cigarette, I work hard and treat my children with love and kindness and provide for my family very well.
> 
> I do have to say over the years I was very verbally abusive to my wife as well.
> 
> I have been doing nothing but trying to change my life and make amends for the last 6 months and it doesn't seem to be making much difference at all.
> 
> So nowadays it has boiled down to me answering her yes/no questions and if I don't answer them how SHE wants to hear them, she is still on the warpath.
> 
> It started with "did you have lust for those women?" ... I tried to be honest and say "Well, yes.. and it was very misplaced, and if I had been healthy and felt respect for myself I wouldn't have done that crap".
> 
> That answer eventually HAD to be changed to "No, I only wanted you and ever you, and I hated porn and the lust was actually for you, but due to intimacy issues I turned to the porn". (Which really is true).
> 
> So then it changed to "Were you ever turned on by those women". How do I answer that?
> 
> The counselors have talked about how there is a chemical response to visual stimulation. So now her question is "Did you ever have a chemical response to those women, and if you did I Cannot be your wife".
> 
> So... here I am wanting to be flat out rigorously honest with myself and with her. So how can I say that I am wired differently and such a saint that I didn't feel any of these things? She isn't asking how I feel NOW. She is asking how I felt THEN. I have to alter the past somehow. My children are seenig and hearing her antics. I had to bolt a 2x4 across the basement door so she wouldn't smash through it again to come stand and scream at the top of her lungs at me. I am losing all respect and love for her. But, I am absolutely determined for our marriage to not only work out, but to flourish. I will not accept less than the best for my family. I want use to live an excellent life.
> 
> I don't know how to get past here extremely manipulation, abuse, and gestapo-like questioning sessions. For the first 5 months I tried to be extremely loving and understanding and then she would just do completely terrible things and say "I wanted to see if your answers would change even if I Was horrible to you". Well YES, I am going to want to lash out and hurt her if she is out to destroy everything in our lives to get even.
> 
> Anyway, I don't know what to do. The counselor seemed very interested in her behavior and was asking "Is she this obsessed and controlling about other things?" and I told him "No, just about her looks".
> 
> Her own mother told her that she has no dignity. Everyone she gets involved gets pissed off at her and pushes her away because if they don't side with her and agree with her for everything she is saying she turns on them.
> 
> It scares me how much everything else in her life is put on hold, even her own children and the only thing that matters whatsoever is HER. Her alone. My poor kids are desperate and hear her screaming divorce and all sorts of swearing and just absolutely being out of control.


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## michzz

At this point your wife is the problem. The way she is acting is way over the top abusive and toxic.

Whatever you have done that bothers her, this is plain wrong.

If I were you I would not tolerate this.

Your religious beliefs don't include this negativity.

You need to turn her into that same authority she turned you into.

Actually, I really don't think the religious answer will solve your marital troubles.

She doesn't sound like someone I would want in my life.


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## greeneyeddolphin

While I could understand her being upset and hurt over you lying and hiding porn, what she's doing is way beyond that. She's being abusive toward you. And she's hurting the kids, which is unacceptable to me. Whatever issues the two of you might have, there is no reason to involve the kids.

I agree with the idea of restricting stuff like this to the counseling sessions. If she won't do that, see what the counselor suggests for how to stop this. You can't let this continue.


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## Uptown

HHM, I agree with other posters that it sounds like both of you have major issues. In particular, it sounds like you may have strong traits of AvPD (Avoidant Personality Disorder). I'm not saying that your traits are at the diagnostic level. Rather, I'm simply saying that they may be stronger than is normal for most folks (everyone has such traits at least at a low level). Your biggest problem, however, seems to be your W who appears to have more serious traits of a disorder than you do. As to the porn addiction, it comes in as a very distant third problem, IMO. Indeed, it seems to be a yawner to me. It wouldn't even make a decent movie. I say this because, as you've already experienced, that "addiction" greatly diminishes as you learn to feel good about yourself and learn to handle intimate moments with a real human being. I therefore agree with Mark that you and your W could both benefit from therapy.


> She ...is very very sweet and loving, but when something happens, even the very slightest thing that she perceives as being against her when it comes to her self image she transforms into an absolute menace.... It really is pretty scary.


Your W sounds so much like my exW, with whom I lived for 15 years. She suffers from strong traits of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). I never knew what innocent comment or tone of voice would set her off into saying extremely mean things about me. Like other BPDers (i.e., folks with strong BPD traits), she does black-white thinking wherein she would adore me for a while and then flip almost instantaneously into hating me. Her accusations would be so mean during the hateful periods that it would take me several days to recover from what I witnessed. 

She, however, usually recovered fully within five hours, so she would then accuse me of "holding a grudge" for the next several days. The typical behavior of BPDers is to blame everything on you because they have such weak egos that they cannot tolerate the thought that they are wrong about anything. Moreover, because most BPDers experienced a trauma or abuse in early childhood, they go through life thinking of themselves as victims. And, to sustain that self image, it is necessary that they have a "perpetrator" around all the time -- a role filled by their spouses.

The most recent large study (of nearly 35,000 adults) found that 6% of the population has the disorder at the diagnostic level at some period of their lives. I would not be surprised if another 4% has BPD traits so strong (albeit not at the diagnostic level) that it will be miserable trying to live with them if they will not stay in therapy to learn to control it. If so, about a tenth of the population has strong BPD traits.

The cause of BPD is still not known for certain. Recent studies suggest, however, that about 70% of the cases are attributable to abandonment or abuse in early childhood -- and the remaining 30% is due solely to inherited genes. In any event, BPDers carry a lot of anger and rage inside of them from childhood. You thus never know when you will inadvertently trigger a release of that anger by saying or doing something. Hence, the first classic book on BPD was titled "Stop Walking on Eggshells."


> She is like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.


This ability to flip from adoring you to hating you in 15 seconds is a hallmark of BPD traits. It occurs because the childhood trauma prevented the BPDer from integrating the various aspects of her personality (both good and bad) into a cohesive self concept. If your W is this way, she still has her emotional development frozen at the age of a 3 or 4 year old child -- who is unable to tolerate the paradox of people being both good and bad. Instead, she does all-or-nothing thinking. This is why she can flip to hating you in a few seconds when triggered by something you say or do that triggers her fear of abandonment and fear of engulfment. That is, the "rages" you are seeing -- which likely last about 5 hours (and only rarely as 36 hours) -- are essentially childish tantrums.

The Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde transformations you mention typically do not start until about six months into the relationship. They occur because of the BPDer's twin fears of engulfment and abandonment. Specifically, as you draw near to her in intimate moments, she will feel suffocated and controlled -- like she is disappearing into your strong personality. To get breathing room, she will then create a fight out of nothing to push you away. Hence, the argument results when you trigger her fear of engulfment.

Yet, as you back away to give her breathing room, you will -- after a few hours (or days or weeks) trigger her other fear, the fear of abandonment. So she will start reeling you back in with sweetness and tenderness. This push-you-away and pull-you-back cycle (which repeats endlessly) is a hallmark of BPD. Note that, because you also have difficulty tolerating much intimacy, you have been willing to put up with this dysfunctional repeated withdrawal of affection and intimacy. That is, it likely gave you a "vacation" from intimacy on regular intervals, perhaps every two weeks. 

During the six month honeymoon, however, that cycle does not appear. The reason is that, while a BPDer is infatuated with you, she really believes that you are the perfect man -- which cause her twin fear of abandonment and engulfment to be largely suspended. In its place, she will do a mirroring of your best features. Because a BPDer has little sense of who she really is, she looks for cues as to how she should be acting in other people. While infatuated with you, she pulls out all the stops and adopts all of your preferences -- to the point that she will like everyone you like and enjoy going everywhere you want to go. She does not do this in order to "manipulate" you. Rather, a BPDer does it because this is the way she has been thinking since childhood, given her unstable sense of herself.


> It scares me how much everything else in her life is put on hold, even her own children and the only thing that matters whatsoever is HER. Her alone.


As I mentioned, a BPDer typically is very caring when splitting you white. Indeed, if your W is a BPDer, she likely loves you very much during those good times. It is not a mature love, however. Rather, it is the type of love you will get from your 3 and 4 year old children -- where "I love you" largely means "I desperately want you to love ME."  Hence, if your W has strong BPD traits, she likely has a strong narcissistic element to her personality. I therefore would interpret her repeated efforts to "save you" from your porn addiction as having little to do with your welfare or what is best for you. Rather, it is all about what she thinks is best for her.


> She has showed up at my desk at work demanding that I leave and come talk to her. I eventually had Security kick her out.... The first time she found out about this she went out and started seeing another guy and kissed him, etc.


Another hallmark of BPD traits is the inability to control one's emotions. The result is that the BPDer has little impulse control, causing her to behave recklessly. My exW, for example, had so little control over her emotions that they would sweep over her in intense waves. This is why you can never reason or speak logically with a BPDer on any sensitive topic. Waiting for her to calm down and raising the topic during a quiet moment does not work. Because your W is always about 10 seconds away from a tantrum, any time you try to calmly discuss an issue she will immediately transform into an irrational child who is at the mercy of her strong feelings. That is, you are always 10 seconds away from having to deal with her "inner child" who calls all the shots in her decisions.


> She has told various people throughout the neighborhood, classmates at her school, her family, etc very embarrassing details about all of this.


Unlike narcissists, BPDers can be very caring while they are splitting you white. It therefore is very tempting to confide in them during those tender moments. Yet, when they split you black, BPDers will beat you over the head with any confidential information you earlier disclosed to them. My exW did that many times. She was capable of forgetting many things. But when I shared private embarrassing thoughts with her, however, she remembered every one of them for years and years -- saving them for the times she would start hating me.


> She screams out the windows of the house that I am a porn addict and worst of all she screams that I'm a pedophile.


Like I said, she probably has the emotional development of a four year old -- and, hence, has little control over her impulses and emotions. Moreover, because her immature mind cannot deal with gray areas, she flips in seconds into perceiving you as an evil man -- and, significantly, she BELIEVES it during those hateful times. Like a child, she will not be dissuaded by the lack of any evidence. Her feelings are so intense that she does not challenge them. On the contrary, she accepts the feelings as "facts."


> She has "banned" me from business trips, my blackberry, and the internet.


Your W is irrational and behaving like a small child. Any efforts to reason with her, as I noted, will be futile. One reason is her lack of control over her emotions. Another is that, if she has strong BPD traits, is her inability to trust you. A BPDer's ability to trust is destroyed in early childhood and typically shows up in the BPDer becoming jealous very easily. My exW, for example, was jealous of exGF's I had had 30 years earlier. She also perceived many of my favorite family members as a threat. This is because BPDers fear abandonment.


> Currently we are in marriage counseling together.


If your W has strong BPD traits, marriage counseling likely is a total waste of time. Such traits are the result of serious damage to a BPDer's emotional core during childhood. That damage cannot currently be cured but, with years of individual therapy, a BPDer can learn how to challenge the feelings and control the emotions. But the BPDer has to have sufficient ego strength to be willing to (a) stop thinking of herself as a perpetual victim, (b) confront the fact she has a serious illness, (c) seek therapy with a psychologist who knows how to treat this disorder, and (d) stay in therapy long enough to make a difference. In my experience, it is rare for BPDers to have sufficient ego strength to do that.

Moreover, if you insist on her doing therapy, she will only play mind games with the therapist if she does not want it badly for herself. With my exW, for example, I spent over $200,000 taking her to weekly visits with six different psychologists over a 15 year period. All to no avail. As to the marriage counselors, they likely will not be able to identify the presence of BPD traits, much less know how to treat it. They simply do not have the necessary training.


> I feel I have been freed from this terrible [porn] addiction through counseling and sincere prayer, and this freedom is real this time.... It destroyed my parents marriage, and it has put mine in a very bad spot.


As other posters have said, the porn is not what is destroying your marriage. To me, It sounds like the your relationship is toxic because your W has strong BPD traits and you have your own issues (perhaps AvPD and codependency traits) causing you to allow her to step all over you, turning you into a doormat. That is, you likely are enabling her to avoid confronting her issues because you are always trying to walk on eggshells (i.e., not being your true self) to avoid triggering her tantrums.


> So nowadays it has boiled down to me answering her yes/no questions and if I don't answer them how SHE wants to hear them, she is still on the warpath.


If your W has strong BPD traits, it will not matter much that you have stopped using porn. As I explained, a BPDer has a fragile, unstable self image. To the extent any self image survived the childhood trauma, that remaining thread of an image is one of being a victim. The BPDer therefore desperately holds onto that self image for dear life, refusing to let go. To maintain this self image, she must have a perpetrator around to blame for every misfortune coming her way. The spouse serves this role. He also becomes a dumping ground for all the guilt she would suffer from having bad thoughts. She gets rid of the guilt by projecting the bad thoughts onto him. Because it is done subconsciously, her conscious mind likely believes most of the things she is accusing you of (never mind that most of them originate in her own head).


> I am losing all respect and love for her. But, I am absolutely determined for our marriage to not only work out, but to flourish.


It does not matter how "absolutely determined" you are. Like you, I was "absolutely determined" and it did not matter one bit. It is impossible for you to fix a BPDer. She has to fix herself. And, to do that, she has to have the ego strength and self awareness to want to do it. Absent that, she will continue to undermine your marriage by desperately trying to control you (BPDers are very controlling of loved ones due to their extreme irrational fear of abandonment). And you will continue to undermine it too. It takes two willing people to form a toxic marriage. 

Your contribution likely arises partly from your difficulty in handling intimacy and your likely fear of abandonment. And it seems to partly arise from your role as an enabler who is willing to sacrifice himself in a futile effort to "save" his W -- a woman who does not want to be saved. If you would like to discuss that, I would be happy to do so. After all, I did it for 15 years. I would like to see you avoid going down the same path that I took. 

To find out what you are dealing with, I suggest that you go to a psychologist and tell him about your W's behavior and your behavior. If you are visiting him by yourself, he can speak candidly about his assessment of your W's behavior. If your W is with you, however, there is a good chance he will not mention BPD even if he believes that is the correct diagnosis. One reason is that insurance usually does not cover BPD so another "diagnosis" is often given. Another reason is that BPDers usually will terminate therapy immediately on being given such a diagnosis. Indeed, if you were to tell your W that you suspect she has strong traits of it, she most likely would not believe you. Instead, she would simply project it back onto you, believing that you are a BPDer in addition to being a "porn addict."


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## ThinkTooMuch

*Uptown is right, your wife is toxic*

HHM,

I agree wholeheartedly with Uptown, my first wife '70 - '84 was very similar to yours, eggshells strewn everywhere after the first year, jealousy and anger if my eyes lingered a few seconds on another woman.

I didn't know enough, nor did my excellent psychologist in '83 & '84, to label her as BPD, I'm not sure the term existed, but life with her was miserable especially following the birth of our 2nd child and the death the same day of her father. She had a miserable childhood, I was the "beneficiary".

You sound like a fine, caring man, I do not share your religion (I have a good guess) and I've read a bit about it, and hope your priests can help you deal with what will probably be a very angry and painful divorce.

Hold tight to your children, see a priest and counsellor, this is a needed journey, one you will eventually see as a route to a better life.

Good luck, feel free to email me directly, I've been there and through a lot of love and hard work my two, now grown, children spent much of their pre-college lives with me and love me as much as ever - both know how problematic their mother is, one stopped talking to mom for several years. There is life after marriage and woman who will care for you and your children.

Mark


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## InnerGold

We honestly believe porn is very destructive and can destroy a person's life but after reading your post, if you are truly being honest, it doesn't sound like porn is the real problem. 

Uptown could be right about the diagnosis from the post.

This is hard and the thing you need to put the most focus on is protecting your children. I too cherish family and a marriage but if you need to separate awhile to work on the marriage issues and protect the children, you may want to do this. My guess is that she has a past that she has never really dealt with and both of you could use counseling.

Best wishes and follow the Savior and you will not go wrong.


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