# Husband shovling female neighbor's yard



## justaskin (Dec 30, 2012)

When should I draw the line regarding my husband shovling female neighbor yard. When I went outside I found him & her laughing. When he came inside after he noticed I saw him over there.... I told him it was a good gesture but it should not be a habbit and that it is not his responsibility. I am secure in who I am but the female neighbor has been known to hang out with males on the street and often my husband visits with the single men. He has sometimes gone out of his way to speak to her and she has sometimes ignored me when I spoke. She has also been known too use an elderly men for money. I think my husband should keep his distance. I also question what his true motive in helping this lady with her yard. What do you think?


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

Well, as a male I ask you, what do you think a man wants from a good looking female neighbor....

It is good you have your attention to this, make sure it stops. He cannot be with her alone, let him read about this forum on EA's and how they start: Innocent!


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

First I would question why he is shovling a yard and not the sidewalk.

Seriously, you should ask him straight up without emotion. It would sound like you two are already on shakey ground if there is any concern with him helping a neighbor. If you were both on the same page it would be clear to both of you that she is not of good character. Is your husband?


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## BrookeT (Nov 3, 2012)

I think maybe you are making a big deal out of nothing here. Perhaps he was just being a gentleman and helping her out. It's not like he pushed you into a snow drift to get over there to roll out a red carpet for her.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I think This_is_me's question is super important to ask yourself: What is your husband's character? 

Obviously, you have seen signs that are worrisome. Is your husband a good man who would stop someone from getting too close or would he encourage it? If he would encourage it, you need to realize that you cannot control who he is, and that is who you married so you can decide what to do about it.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

justaskin said:


> When should I draw the line regarding my husband shovling female neighbor yard. When I went outside I found him & her laughing. When he came inside after he noticed I saw him over there.... I told him it was a good gesture but it should not be a habbit and that it is not his responsibility. I am secure in who I am but the female neighbor has been known to hang out with males on the street and often my husband visits with the single men. He has sometimes gone out of his way to speak to her and she has sometimes ignored me when I spoke. She has also been known too use an elderly men for money. I think my husband should keep his distance. I also question what his true motive in helping this lady with her yard. What do you think?


What does "hang out with males on the street" mean? Who are these males? Random men walking by or neighbors? How do you know they are all "single?"

Is this neighbor attractive? What is her marital status?

How often does he shovel her yard & how did it start?


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

justaskin said:


> When should I draw the line regarding my husband shovling female neighbor yard. When I went outside I found him & her laughing. When he came inside after he noticed I saw him over there.... I told him it was a good gesture but it should not be a habbit and that it is not his responsibility. I am secure in who I am but the female neighbor has been known to hang out with males on the street and often my husband visits with the single men. *He has sometimes gone out of his way to speak to her and she has sometimes ignored me when I spoke.* She has also been known too use an elderly men for money. I think my husband should keep his distance. I also question what his true motive in helping this lady with her yard. What do you think?


I would be concerned about this and wonder why my partner is not concerned about other people treating his partner rudely.

Depending on the situation and my mood, I would make it a point to make her say hello to me.....or else no convo with my partner.


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## heavensangel (Feb 12, 2012)

He has sometimes gone out of his way to speak to her and she has sometimes ignored me when I spoke. 


This would bother me about both my H and neighbor. And like Nexttime, I'd do whatever I had to to get her to acknowledge me. 

The next time he's going to do a neighborly favor, join him. Make it a project you do together. Play with him, have snowball fights, do whatever you need to to have fun with him while doing so. Hopefully if she's paying attention, this will reinforce for her that he's happily attached. Have to warn you, though, there are some woman (H and I refer to them as vipers) that specifically target attached men.....they thrive off knowing their SP is pissed/jealous. If she's one of those, you appearing jealous/angry is feeding her and she'll continue her raunchy behavior just to get your reaction.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

Ok, as a man I'm going to say this. If she is somewhat pretty and/or younger than him he is doing it because of this. Its not about being nice, its because of her looks. She is setting him up as another orbiter, a man available for her to use when she needs to while not giving up anything in return other than a little attention and flirting. While I don't think you need to feel threatened I would be insulted a bit. If it continues tell him he is acting like a love sick high school boy with a crush on the english teacher.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

I usually shovel the neighbors walk on both sides of me (when they haven't beaten me to it) and if I happen to run into them while doing so (or being outside for any reason any time of year) I will take the time and talk to them, regardless if they are male or female, or ugly vs attractive. I realize its a rare thing though, the first few times I ever saw my neighbors they never looked up, even if I said "hello", so I said "HELLO" a little louder until they acknowledged me, and now I get along great with all my neighbors, and we will stop shoveling to take a break and chat. That is what neighbors do.

Unless your H has a big crush on her, or she is being flirtatious with him (what exactly do they talk about? Weather, landscaping, city ordinances? or about fashion, sex, nail polish?) I wouldn't worry at all - if she is showing him into her house and they spend 20-30 minutes in there I'd be worried.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Lon said:


> I usually shovel the neighbors walk on both sides of me (when they haven't beaten me to it) and if I happen to run into them while doing so (or being outside for any reason any time of year) I will take the time and talk to them, regardless if they are male or female, or ugly vs attractive. I realize its a rare thing though, the first few times I ever saw my neighbors they never looked up, even if I said "hello", so I said "HELLO" a little louder until they acknowledged me, and now I get along great with all my neighbors, and we will stop shoveling to take a break and chat. That is what neighbors do.
> 
> Unless your H has a big crush on her, or she is being flirtatious with him (what exactly do they talk about? Weather, landscaping, city ordinances? or about fashion, sex, nail polish?) I wouldn't worry at all - if she is showing him into her house and they spend 20-30 minutes in there I'd be worried.


:iagree: I've done this numerous time for my neighbors too and sometimes when I haven't been home, they've sent one of their kids over to shovel my sidewalk!

On the other side of the coin, I would watch this! Is she maybe paying more attention to your husband than you are?? Men like compliments too ya know!


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## nicolej (Dec 30, 2012)

What do you mean he goes out of his way to speak to her? Does he go over to her house alone? If he's just being helpful, I don't see a real issue. It just means he's a nice guy.


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## jfv (May 29, 2012)

justaskin said:


> When should I draw the line regarding my husband shovling female neighbor yard. When I went outside I found him & her laughing. When he came inside after he noticed I saw him over there.... I told him it was a good gesture but it should not be a habbit and that it is not his responsibility. I am secure in who I am but the female neighbor has been known to hang out with males on the street and often my husband visits with the single men. He has sometimes gone out of his way to speak to her and she has sometimes ignored me when I spoke. She has also been known too use an elderly men for money. I think my husband should keep his distance. I also question what his true motive in helping this lady with her yard. What do you think?


Trust your instincts on this. Let him know that you've noticed and that you are watching. Let him know that you do not appreciate your spouse being friendly with someone who is rude to you. This is extremely disloyal on his part and it is someting someone like her will take notice of. Don't put up with it.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

jfv said:


> Trust your instincts on this. Let him know that you've noticed and that you are watching. Let him know that you do not appreciate your spouse being friendly with someone who is rude to you. This is extremely disloyal on his part and it is someting someone like her will take notice of. Don't put up with it.


A perfect answer.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

Can't people do good deeds for other people? What happened to old fashioned being neighborly?


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## anonim (Apr 24, 2012)

justaskin said:


> When should I draw the line regarding my husband shovling female neighbor yard. When I went outside I found him & her laughing. When he came inside after he noticed I saw him over there.... I told him it was a good gesture but it should not be a habbit and that it is not his responsibility. I am secure in who I am but the female neighbor has been known to hang out with males on the street and often my husband visits with the single men. He has sometimes gone out of his way to speak to her and she has sometimes ignored me when I spoke. She has also been known too use an elderly men for money. I think my husband should keep his distance. I also question what his true motive in helping this lady with her yard. What do you think?


if this was very unusual behavior (out of character) for your man then I would think that he (or she) wants him to (Insert_ Euphemism_Here)

Nix this quick.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

gbrad said:


> Can't people do good deeds for other people? What happened to old fashioned being neighborly?


Have you read the thread at all?


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

thatbpguy said:


> Have you read the thread at all?


I read the entire thread actually.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

Some women(men) can bring a man(woman) in the 'fog' quite fast, it's something that can happen to anyone. We are programmed like that.

Not acknowledging this is dangerously naive.


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

Perhaps this behavior is something to worry about; perhaps not. There is enough ambiguity in the information given that we who respond and react must bring our own interpretation to the situation and our interpretation may be off base.

For instance, as others have wondered, what does going out of his way to talk with the woman mean? What is the context of being ignored by her? Is the husband engaging in any other actions that might cause one to wonder if he is committed to the marriage?

I'm not implying there may not be reason to worry here, only that I hesitate o advise one way or the other based on the ambiguous information provided.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

When my wife pays attention to me I'm completely immune and oblivious to the attention of other women. If my wife ignored me and takes me for granted, then an appreciative neighbor would be awfully tempting to chat with. Do you pay attention to him? Did you appreciate him shoveling your own yard? If so, did he know it? Do you flirt with him? Getting attention is great. Getting it from the wife, even better.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

gbrad said:


> I read the entire thread actually.


Did you? Because this woman isnt so "neighborly" with the wife....funny eh? I have a neighbor the same way. SHe will speak with my H but will disappear when Im around. Does it to all the men in the neighborhood. Washes her car in her bikini,,,,yeah taht kind of *woman* so he wont be shoveling her driveway anytime soon. So if its simply neighborly, why is it that this woman ignores the wife?


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

canttrustu said:


> Did you? Because this woman isnt so "neighborly" with the wife....funny eh? I have a neighbor the same way. SHe will speak with my H but will disappear when Im around. Does it to all the men in the neighborhood. Washes her car in her bikini,,,,yeah taht kind of *woman* so he wont be shoveling her driveway anytime soon. So if its simply neighborly, why is it that this woman ignores the wife?



I was refferring to the husband being neighborly. Maybe she is that kind of woman. That doesn't mean that she should be completely shunned. As long as all the husband is doing is a neighborly gesture, then he knows the boundaries and is trying to do a good deed. Everybody in this world needs good deeds done for them.


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

bfree is right on the money!


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

I can't speak to others intentions, but I've shoveled snow and mowed the lawn for female neighbors and all I got out of it was feeling manly. haha


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

"Feeling manly" is the result of ... ahem.. ATTENTION! 

I can't tell whether the OP is being over-reactive or not, but it's a certainty that there are women out there who are what I call "poachers," just as there are men who will chase every scrap of female attention no matter how much they get from wifey.


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

So much for chivalry. In the case of the lawn, I was taking care of my next door neighbor's yard when her Husband was on deployment. She had one of the kids bring some cookies or a pie or something to the house to say thank you. In the case of the snow, she was a single mom of two... and it just seemed the gentlemanly thing to do. I'm not sure she ever learned who was clearing her driveway. I never saw her, and she never thanked me.


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## jman (Jun 20, 2012)

so you're only allowed to mow lawns and shovel sidewalks/driveways for unattractive neighbors who cordially & pleasantly interact with our wives, got it.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

jman said:


> so you're only allowed to mow lawns and shovel sidewalks/driveways for unattractive neighbors who cordially & pleasantly interact with our wives, got it.


Yeah, the first part is funny, only unattractive ones are ok to be nice to... But regardless of looks, if my neighbor was unkind to my spouse I wouldn't want to shovel her walkway.


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## in my tree (Jun 9, 2012)

jman said:


> so you're only allowed to mow lawns and shovel sidewalks/driveways for unattractive neighbors *who cordially & pleasantly interact with our wives *, got it.


There is the key. Whether or not she is attractive or not really doesn't make that much of a difference however being a pleasant, cordial person does. Running off/ignoring the wife does raise eyebrows and suspicions.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> Did you? Because this woman isnt so "neighborly" with the wife....funny eh? I have a neighbor the same way. SHe will speak with my H but will disappear when Im around. Does it to all the men in the neighborhood. Washes her car in her bikini,,,,yeah taht kind of *woman* so he wont be shoveling her driveway anytime soon. So if its simply neighborly, why is it that this woman ignores the wife?


Holy smokes..I do not understand these women that flaunt themself..like holy ****..have some dignity.

A girl was telling me about a coworker of her husbands who is these young hot thing and how at a xmas party after she had a few drinks she was telling her about how good looking she thought her husband was....I said to this girl watch out for that one.

SInce H's EA it is amazing how much more sensitive I am when I hear **** like this..and to what extend some women will go to in order to snag a man whether or not he is taken or not.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

jman said:


> so you're only allowed to mow lawns and shovel sidewalks/driveways for unattractive neighbors who cordially & pleasantly interact with our wives, got it.


Yep, this is the remark of someone who refuses to understand. And your comment about "unattractive" really doesn't make sense. 

1) beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Personally, I don't pretend to know what turns men on visually so I would be unable to draw up a list of neighbors who my fiance could not help according your piece of advice. 2) it's been well documented that people start affiars with someone who even the cehating partner will say they didn't find attractive.

So please, tell us, where do we start when trying to employ your advice on this matter.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

To the OP..yes it would bother me as well I have to admit! So not sure if the OP had a background of infidelity with her H or not...but if so yes I could see how it could be heightened her concern.

When I am out with H and there is an attractive asian girl (H had an EA with an asian ladyl)....my anxiety goes from a 1 to a 10 in seconds...just the other night we were out at a restaurant and a young filipino girl who worked there and was not even our waitress stopped at our table and asked H not me how his meal was...um excuse me....you are not even our waitress and you also only directed your question to him not me...that pissed me off. Funny how two years ago that would not have even bothered me but now.....


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

highwood said:


> Holy smokes..I do not understand these women that flaunt themself..like holy ****..have some dignity.
> 
> A girl was telling me about a coworker of her husbands who is these young hot thing and how at a xmas party after she had a few drinks she was telling her about how good looking she thought her husband was....I said to this girl watch out for that one.
> 
> SInce H's EA it is amazing how much more sensitive I am when I hear **** like this..and to what extend some women will go to in order to snag a man whether or not he is taken or not.


This woman actually said "Most men would pay to see me naked" in front of an entire group of our neighbors!!!! I nearly choked. My son, who was about 20 at the time said "not this man".....ha I love that kid.

I feel ya on the service. My H is attractive and always gets better service than me when we have a female server. Its comical she will walk over fill his glass with whatever he's drinking, smile at him and walk away- leaving me bone ass dry. Its become the joke between us. If we have a flirty female server, I just switch glasses with him.... :rofl: They dont even attempt to be covert about it. He will laugh and say "she knows who's paying the bill" and wink at me. he's adorable. THem.....not so much.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

The sad thing and this probably makes me sound like a loser but I will cross that restaurant off the list of where we go...at times I think I don't know if I can live with the stupid anxiety of getting all insecure when we see an attractive asian lady...it is hard to deal with.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

highwood said:


> The sad thing and this probably makes me sound like a loser but I will cross that restaurant off the list of where we go...at times I think I don't know if I can live with the stupid anxiety of getting all insecure when we see an attractive asian lady...it is hard to deal with.


I can understand it. But honestly, if I were gonna avoid people who looked like my H's AP- I'd have to stay home all the time. The woman is small, blonde and green eyed. Nothing to look at in my opinion but she has classic looks and we've seen her absolute clone on tv once. It was shocking. So I get where youre coming from but you may have to come to terms with this somehow. What does your H say in these situations? Oh wait, I think we're Hj'ing. Lets move to your thread...?


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Yes your right! I hope the OP comes back and gives some background on this situation!


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## cloudwithleggs (Oct 13, 2011)

justaskin said:


> He has sometimes gone out of his way to speak to her and she has sometimes ignored me when I spoke.


If she is blanking you that is insulting and the fact that your husband does not sense that makes him a guilty party, why not let her shovel her own yard or is she totally helpless.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

cloudwithleggs said:


> If she is blanking you that is insulting and the fact that your husband does not sense that makes him a guilty party, why not let her shovel her own yard or is she totally helpless.


Agree. OP needs to shut this down. She doesn't trust this woman.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

in my tree said:


> There is the key. Whether or not she is attractive or not really doesn't make that much of a difference however being a pleasant, cordial person does. Running off/ignoring the wife does raise eyebrows and suspicions.


So you do something nice, get to know them a little, and see if that changes. There could be a multitude of reasons why she doesn't say hi to the wife. It has been stated many times that women judge each other all the time, maybe there are insecurities, but who knows. I say you don't just give up on someone, you try and make things better.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

gbrad said:


> So you do something nice, get to know them a little, and see if that changes. There could be a multitude of reasons why she doesn't say hi to the wife. It has been stated many times that women judge each other all the time, maybe there are insecurities, but who knows. I say you don't just give up on someone, you try and make things better.


The neighbor isnt his responsibility but his wifes feeling of well being IS.


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## jman (Jun 20, 2012)

NextTimeAround said:


> Yep, this is the remark of someone who refuses to understand. And your comment about "unattractive" really doesn't make sense.
> 
> 1) beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Personally, I don't pretend to know what turns men on visually so I would be unable to draw up a list of neighbors who my fiance could not help according your piece of advice. 2) it's been well documented that people start affiars with someone who even the cehating partner will say they didn't find attractive.
> 
> So please, tell us, where do we start when trying to employ your advice on this matter.


wasn't any advice in my remark, I just felt like making humor in the face of all the narrow-mindedness I read on this forum

the OP was much too brief in their initial post...its like asking a generic question just to see the multitude of right answers and watch everyone argue over them


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

canttrustu said:


> The neighbor isnt his responsibility but his wifes feeling of well being IS.


You are partially correct. Yes, his wifes feelings should be his priority. But that selfish lack of caring about other people, is part of why our society has become so disconnected. We used to know all of our neighbors. We used to hang out on front porches and talk to people. Now we pull into garages and ignore others around us. There are other people outside of our homes that need a good word or a helping hand. 
We have a responsibility to help everyone that we can.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

gbrad said:


> You are partially correct. Yes, his wifes feelings should be his priority. But that selfish lack of caring about other people, is part of why our society has become so disconnected. We used to know all of our neighbors. We used to hang out on front porches and talk to people. Now we pull into garages and ignore others around us. There are other people outside of our homes that need a good word or a helping hand.
> We have a responsibility to help everyone that we can.


Why aren't you angling to give the neighbor a lecture in she should be concerned about everyone's well being as well, starting with her female neighbors.


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## curlysue321 (Jul 30, 2012)

I don't think there is anything wrong with him shoveling her yard for her. However, if she becomes needy in other ways and starts wanting him to do things inside I would put my foot down.


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## Latigo (Apr 27, 2011)

Sounds like he has established some kind of "bond" already. I wouldn't shovel snow for a woman unless I was getting something from her. Could be as little as a flirty smile or her brushing my arm with her hand when she says "thank you"...but it would have to be something. Trust me...dude IS getting "something" out of this...most men do well to get up of their a$$es to shovel their own snow much less someone elses. I know for certain I wouldn't do it for anyone woman or man who snubbed my wife when she tried to talk to them!


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

The snow shoveling wouldn't worry me so much as her ignoring me after my H has performed an act of kindness for her.

Also, you mention the female neighbour has been known to hang out with males on the street and often your H visits with the single men. Do you mean that he and other males socialize with the female neighbour? If so, that certainly sounds a tad suspicious...


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

NextTimeAround said:


> Why aren't you angling to give the neighbor a lecture in she should be concerned about everyone's well being as well, starting with her female neighbors.


Nobody is perfect. We all sin, we all do things that are wrong, and we all need help in this life. 
Too many people here are eager to jump to the cheater/affair scenario.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

gbrad said:


> Nobody is perfect. We all sin, we all do things that are wrong, and we all need help in this life.
> Too many people here are eager to jump to the cheater/affair scenario.


Not sure if its jumping to infidelity, but it is pretty rude to go out of one's way to do a favor for someone who is unkind to your spouse. As far as going out of your way to do something nice for people because the world isn't kind enough to others - well my friend has a saying, 'they don't put bread on my table.' It's not cold or unfeeling to look after your loved ones feeling above some random neighbor - male or female, cute or butt ugly.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

gbrad said:


> Nobody is perfect. We all sin, we all do things that are wrong, and we all need help in this life.
> Too many people here are eager to jump to the cheater/affair scenario.


I'm not, but I do recognize traits in a certain sort of woman that are designed to impact negatively on other women's relationships. A classic being to get flirty with the partner / spouse and deliberately ignore the woman. She knows how this will be perceived, and actually gets off on it.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

gbrad said:


> Nobody is perfect. We all sin, we all do things that are wrong, and we all need help in this life.
> Too many people here are eager to jump to the cheater/affair scenario.


whether adultery has occurred or not, it is wrong to diss your neighbor for no reason. Particularly when the husband has been helpful to you. 

You would not agree to this? Do you feel that the OP owes more to the neighbor who dieses her?


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

I'd like to hear from the OP again. I don't think that there is any affair or cheating going on, based on what the OP said, but there seems to be inappropriate flirting going on here for sure. The OP should tell her husband she is uncomfortable with this relay ship and he should back off and end it out of respect for his wife.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

NextTimeAround said:


> whether adultery has occurred or not, it is wrong to diss your neighbor for no reason. Particularly when the husband has been helpful to you.
> 
> You would not agree to this? Do you feel that the OP owes more to the neighbor who dieses her?


I never said how the neighbor treated the wife wasn't wrong, it was. But to me, one wrong doesn't mean you should be shunned. You are neighbors, you live next door to one another, ideally (atleast to me) you want to try be able to get along and friendly. The OP does not owe more to the neighbor. But just because we don't owe more to someone doesn't mean we don't ever do something nice for them. I love doing things for other people. It is a good feeling and I don't need to get anything in return. It is just the right thing to do. We have become such a cynical society where we forget that a simple conversation can make someones day and do more than writing a check to a charity. 
I have stated before that I am very trusting, I believe the best of people and situations first. If I end up being wrong, so be it.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

gbrad said:


> I never said how the neighbor treated the wife wasn't wrong, it was. But to me, one wrong doesn't mean you should be shunned. You are neighbors, you live next door to one another, ideally (atleast to me) you want to try be able to get along and friendly. The OP does not owe more to the neighbor. But just because we don't owe more to someone doesn't mean we don't ever do something nice for them. I love doing things for other people. It is a good feeling and I don't need to get anything in return. It is just the right thing to do. We have become such a cynical society where we forget that a simple conversation can make someones day and do more than writing a check to a charity.
> I have stated before that I am very trusting, I believe the best of people and situations first. If I end up being wrong, so be it.


The neighbor already gets her yard shoveled for free. How much more a$$kissing do you expect the OP to do before she calls it quits.

IMO, the neighbor has no reason to diss her and, for that reason, I don't believe continuing to be nice to her is going to get her change. She already has everything she wants , ie, free handy man service and the ability to be rude to the wait staff at the same time. 

Do you have a plan for the OP? What exactly should she do for this woman, bake her cookies? How long should she do that before she can call it quits witrh your blessing?


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## heavensangel (Feb 12, 2012)

We (H and I) do neighborly things for our neighbors and friends all the time.......... if one of them is rude to either of us, we treat it as though they're being rude to us both. It's called having your partners back. 

And in no way, shape, or form would either of us share our SP with a neighbor/friend no matter how much we like them. For the H to continue being nice to this lady after the way she treats his wife is a total lack of respect for his w and marriage, period.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

heavensangel said:


> We (H and I) do neighborly things for our neighbors and friends all the time.......... if one of them is rude to either of us, we treat it as though they're being rude to us both. It's called having your partners back.
> 
> And in no way, shape, or form would either of us share our SP with a neighbor/friend no matter how much we like them. For the H to continue being nice to this lady after the way she treats his wife is a total lack of respect for his w and marriage, period.


But does one rude event mean you give up on that neighbor? That is the issue I have with this. I understand the idea of having your partners back, what I don't understand is just giving up and walking about from a situation.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

gbrad said:


> But does one rude event mean you give up on that neighbor? That is the issue I have with this. I understand the idea of having your partners back, what I don't understand is just giving up and walking about from a situation.


What makes you think that it has only happened once?


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

NextTimeAround said:


> What makes you think that it has only happened once?


Why are we being so technical? By one event, I mean being rude to the wife. 

We all do things we shouldn't do. We all makes mistakes, we all do dumb things. It is called being human. But people need other people. We need to share caring, forgiveness, and love that there is not enough of in this world. That is what we are called to do and we need to carry it out. (yes I am getting preachy and religious here)


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

gbrad said:


> Why are we being so technical? By one event, I mean being rude to the wife.
> 
> We all do things we shouldn't do. We all makes mistakes, we all do dumb things. It is called being human. But people need other people. We need to share caring, forgiveness, and love that there is not enough of in this world. That is what we are called to do and we need to carry it out. (yes I am getting preachy and religious here)


You try so hard not to understand. And what's with the royal "we" here.

this is what the OP wrote:
*"He has sometimes gone out of his way to speak to her and she has sometimes ignored me when I spoke."*

but of course, since you are so intent in supporting your belief that people should put up with shoddy treatment from others, you can't go back to the original post to see whether she said it has happened only once or, in fact, several times.

So here, I helped you. With this kind of treatment, would you be knocking on your neighbor's door with a plate of cookies or whatever else you expect neighbors to do for others for no reason at all and without reciprocation.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

The harshness of some comments after the affairs is only matched by the naivety of some of those before.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

NextTimeAround said:


> You try so hard not to understand. And what's with the royal "we" here.
> 
> this is what the OP wrote:
> *"He has sometimes gone out of his way to speak to her and she has sometimes ignored me when I spoke."*
> ...


I knew that the OP had used the word sometimes. I was not focusing on whether it happened exactly once or twice. I did not feel that it mattered for the overall concept of what I was trying to say. 
And that overall statement is: People in society today are way too selfish. People do not enough to help others. People do not have a strong sense of community. People are cynical and do not give second chances because it requires work. 
My comments are not just about this one specific person, but the whole concept because discussed overall


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

gbrad said:


> I knew that the OP had used the word sometimes. I was not focusing on whether it happened exactly once or twice. I did not feel that it mattered for the overall concept of what I was trying to say.
> And that overall statement is: People in society today are way too selfish. People do not enough to help others. People do not have a strong sense of community. People are cynical and do not give second chances because it requires work.
> *My comments are not just about this one specific person, but the whole concept because discussed overall*


then how do you plan to infuse a sense of fairness into the community. Surely, women who are accepting favors from men should not feel comfortable being dismissive towards their wives. Or maybe, you think that that is ok. Please respond.


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

Couldn't it just be that OP had a perception of being ignored because the woman and her husband had talked prior, while she and her had not... and she already had a measure of jealousy to begin with?

I've heard this "she ignored me" statement before... but it fails my "common gender" test. If I go over to a friend's house to help him with his car, and I bring a friend of mine who doesn't know the car owner, there is absolutely nothing odd about the fact that the car owner talks mostly to me and not the friend I brought; and the friend I brought certainly isn't going to think the owner was being dismissive becasue he wasn't really spoken to. It would be an entirely normal situation between 3 people where only two of them have spoken before at length.

IMO, the husband's activity is something to pay attention to and make sure he's not going further out of his way to engage her in other matters, but really, it sounds much ado about nothing.

What man doesn't enjoy being chivalrous? Just because we hold the door for some other woman, or change a flat tire for the lady in the parking lot, doesn't mean we're trying to bed them.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

DvlsAdvc8 said:


> Couldn't it just be that OP had a perception of being ignored because the woman and her husband had talked prior, while she and her had not... and she already had a measure of jealousy to begin with?
> 
> I've heard this "she ignored me" statement before... but it fails my "common gender" test. *If I go over to a friend's house to help him with his car, and I bring a friend of mine who doesn't know the car owner, there is absolutely nothing odd about the fact that the car owner talks mostly to me and not the friend I brought;* and the friend I brought certainly isn't going to think the owner was being dismissive becasue he wasn't really spoken to. It would be an entirely normal situation between 3 people where only two of them have spoken before at length.
> 
> ...


You are comparing apples to oranges. The wife is as much a neighbour to the woman benefiting from the shovelling service as the man / husband who does the shovelling. 

And talking mostly to one person is not the same as ignoring completely the other person. I have been in situations in which saying hello was completely ignored. As well as other kinds of questions / remarks that one normally makes for small talk in these types of situations. 

To ignore your neighbour in those situations, particularly when you are free receiving services from her household is downright rude and aggressive.


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

She didn't say she was completely ignored. She said she was "sometimes ignored"... which I take to mean that they engaged in only small talk pleasantries and she wasn't engaged in conversation. I think that is to be expected.

They're neighbors yes, but if they haven't talked before then its only nature the other woman would engage the person with which she is more familiar.

Male or female, I do this all the time, and it has nothing to do with disrespect to the party I know less.


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## STM (Jan 7, 2013)

I had a problem like this before and I feel llike if you have time to do anything for someone outside of your household please make sure EVRYTHING in your house is together first. 

I had been telling my husband to clean out our garage for weeks and I came home one day and he was helping our neighbor do something in her garage. 

He immediately came home when he saw me and I tore into him. You take care of home FIRST point blank.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

gbrad said:


> I knew that the OP had used the word sometimes. I was not focusing on whether it happened exactly once or twice. I did not feel that it mattered for the overall concept of what I was trying to say.
> And that overall statement is: People in society today are way too selfish. People do not enough to help others. People do not have a strong sense of community. People are cynical and do not give second chances because it requires work.
> My comments are not just about this one specific person, but the whole concept because discussed overall


The neighbor woman is being selfish. She is the one who mistreats the OP by not even acknowleging her existence when the OP says hello to her. She did not try to make friends with the OP. If the neighbor woman had been nice to the OP, made friends with her and shown her respect, the OP might be ok with her husband being helpful. 

Does the neighbor lady to anything to help out the OP and her husband? Does she ever bring over a cooked meal when she knows they are stressed or have a tight schedule? Oh wait… she does not know if they are stressed or have a tight schedule because SHE (THE NEIGHBOR LADY) is not caring enough, not neighborly enough to make friends with the OP.

You are lecturing to the wrong party here. It’s the neighbor lady who is selfish and mean spirited.. except to the men in the neighborhood of course.

There is no reason to help out a person who is acting the way this neighbor woman is. She has yet to entend any kind of freindship.

And I'm sure she's 100% capable of shoveling her own yard or hiring someone to do it since she does not want to be neighborly.


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

I can't help but imagine how many women would be saying this is over blown if the roles were reversed. ie the wife has a couple conversations or is helpful to some single guy, who doesn't really try to make friends with the husband.

Even if the situation got the husband's radar up, I have a feeling most women would think the notion that they're flirting or otherwise inappropriate would be absurd.

Can you even imagine a man saying: "I want you to stop helping/talking to that guy. He just ignores me." Really?

Is this yet another double standard?


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## STM (Jan 7, 2013)

Actually, I always use role reversals when it comes to getting my husband to understand my point of view. In this case I asked him if there was a single guy l iving next door with a daughter and he needed help let's say braiding her hair, and I went over there to braid his daughter's hair but my daughter was at home with her hair looking a tangled mess how would that make im feel. 

See I don;t have an issue with my husband helping someone, male or female, but family is FIRST. Take care of home first.


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

STM said:


> Actually, I always use role reversals when it comes to getting my husband to understand my point of view. In this case I asked him if there was a single guy l iving next door with a daughter and he needed help let's say braiding her hair, and I went over there to braid his daughter's hair but my daughter was at home with her hair looking a tangled mess how would that make im feel.
> 
> See I don;t have an issue with my husband helping someone, male or female, but family is FIRST. Take care of home first.


I agree with you, and I haven't gone back to re-read OPs first post, but I had the impression that he was out shoveling his own driveway before he helped the neighbor.

I certainly wouldn't go shovel my lady neighbor's driveway and leave mine a mess.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

DvlsAdvc8 said:


> I can't help but imagine how many women would be saying this is over blown if the roles were reversed. ie the wife has a couple conversations or is helpful to some single guy, who doesn't really try to make friends with the husband.
> 
> Even if the situation got the husband's radar up, I have a feeling most women would think the notion that they're flirting or otherwise inappropriate would be absurd.
> 
> ...


No I don't think so. My ex husband accused me of flirting with men at times when I didn't even think about it.

Every married person should ensure that every one that they deal with treats their partner with respect.

And this definitely includes the neighbor who is getting services for free.


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

NextTimeAround said:


> No I don't think so. My ex husband accused me of flirting with men at times when I didn't even think about it.
> 
> Every married person should ensure that every one that they deal with treats their partner with respect.
> 
> And this definitely includes the neighbor who is getting services for free.


That's true, but what is your reaction to his accusations? The same as the man shoveling his neighbors driveway? ie... its innocent right?

Something I never understood about how people act, is that many people can not acknowledge another's behavior as innocent even while they vehemently declare their own innocence in similar situations.

Perhaps I'm too much of a problem solver or seeker of smooth seas... and this is just one of those conflicts couples are "supposed" to have... but the way I see it, these conflicts don't need to happen if both people simply acknowledge these situations are innocent (trust) or agree that they are all inappropriate (mistrust).

Sometimes I wonder if people really think they can stop their partner from cheating if he/she wants to... or why one would choose to keep someone if they felt they were pursuing a situation with a mind flirting with the idea of something developing. If you think he has bad intentions, and you stopped this one, what makes you think there won't be another? And why would you stay with someone you thought had such intentions, whether latent/subtle or active/obvious?

It kinda seems like playing whack-a-mole.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

DvlsAdvc8 said:


> I can't help but imagine how many women would be saying this is over blown if the roles were reversed. ie the wife has a couple conversations or is helpful to some single guy, who doesn't really try to make friends with the husband.
> 
> Even if the situation got the husband's radar up, I have a feeling most women would think the notion that they're flirting or otherwise inappropriate would be absurd.
> 
> ...


Yes, I can. This is akin to a woman performing small acts of service for a single male neighbour (baking a cake or the odd meal, perhaps) and him then refusing to be civil with her spouse.


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

I may have missed it but Exactly how is this neighbor ignoring the wife? There is active and aggressive ignoring like three people talking only the neighbor doesn't even acknowledge the wife. There is passive, even mistakenly interpreted, action like the neighbor and the wife walking out their respective front doors and wife waves or says hi but neighbor does nothing perhaps because she doesn't see or hear. I've done that with no malice intended.

And how frequently did this ignoring action happen?

I'm not defending the actions of the neighbor but the comments in the thread make it sound like the ignoring was willful and embarrassing. Perhaps I missed the description of exactly how neighbor ignores wife but the original post didn't provide enough detail for me to know one way or the other.


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

Cosmos said:


> Yes, I can. This is akin to a woman performing small acts of service for a single male neighbour (baking a cake or the odd meal, perhaps) and him then refusing to be civil with her spouse.


A meal certainly seems a more intimate service than shoveling snow though... maybe if he just had a death in the family or an accident or something. I was trying to think of a better comparison, but unfortunately, I don't have one. There just aren't things that women do for men that are not based in showing affection... akin to chivalry. Perhaps because I see chivalry as a male trait that extends beyond just being chivalrous to one's spouse. Or perhaps because I view a woman's ability to do certain tasks as requiring significantly more effort. Its easy to see she needs her driveway shoveled. An equivalent might be ironing a shirt (because I can't do it to save my life) for the single guy next door who has an interview the next day... but how would a neighbor's wife know if not asked? Would it change anything if the single woman had asked the husband if he could shovel her driveway? I wouldn't even be slightly bothered by my wife ironing a neighbor's shirt when asked. It shouldn't be a regular thing, but neither is shoveling snow for the most part. Or perhaps the example someone else posted of a single guy with a daughter asking my if my wife could braid her hair. Why would that bother me? 

When I was married, I held doors for other women. I've mowed a neighbor's lawn because her husband was deployed military. I wasn't friends with either of them and we spoke only occassionally in passing. Was I was wooing her? Should my wife have felt threatened because she wasn't friends with the woman I was helping?

I've even been asked to fix a leaking toilet before. The same neighbor brought me a jar to open.

These were all harmless, and I think my wife took some pride in having a "good man" who helps people.

Shame how cynical the world is becoming.


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## WhatASituation (Sep 27, 2012)

I think you might be blowing things out of proportion. I've shoveled a neighbor's sidewalk because she is a single mom. Doesn't mean I wanted to go in for hot cocoa and a good boinking! So she thanked your husband and they had idle chat for a bit, big deal.

Now, if he's texting her and such, well then ok, that's a red flag. Does she have kids and he's just being nice?


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## STM (Jan 7, 2013)

You certainly sound like you have a good head on your shoulders! I've never been the jealous type. My husband is extra friendly and talkative so if I were jealous it would never work. But I am just a firm believer in treat people the way you want to be treated.

That is why I try to turn situations around for my husband so he can see how if he were placed in that sme situation how he would react.

My husband always opens doors for women but I tell you what, if I EVER have to open a door in his presence, there will a serious problem. IJS....


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

DvlsAdvc8 said:


> That's true, but what is your reaction to his accusations? The same as the man shoveling his neighbors driveway? ie... its innocent right?


I thought about what I did that could have been misinterpreted and apologised to him because his feelings matter to me....... not the need to flirt with every man who passes me by.

I think it is important to point out how one behavior could be interpreted by others. I always say that the best solution to a problem is to avoid it completely.

I certainly don't want to encourage unwanted male attention. Because men and women interpret beahviors differently, it's a good idea to listen to your spouse.

do you want your single mom neighbor to continually hassle you for favors; do you want her to start texting you with cutesy messages; do you want her to start dropping by when she knows your wife is not home and so on.......

If the answer is no, you might be wise listening to your wife who may be able to see sooner that this woman has more on her mind that simply her sidewalk being shoveled.


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

NextTimeAround said:


> If the answer is no, you might be wise listening to your wife who may be able to see sooner that this woman has more on her mind that simply her sidewalk being shoveled.


Hey, I admit I'm the last to recognize when a woman is expressing interest in me if I'm not seeking her interest, but I also think that there is such a thing as an innocent helpful gesture.

Texting, showing up when the wife is away etc... these are really obvious signs of interest. I'll be the first to tell you that men and woman can't be friends. I'm not friends with any of my neighbors (male or female), but I'm still happy to help them out and engage in superficial talk.


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