# If you want know what to do here is my story



## nikkicv (Jan 12, 2011)

Your post brought tears to my eyes first because your situation is identical to mine, and you posted your situation on my 16th anniversary during our separation the exact date. I believe all men are born with that statement on their tongue's. On July 31 2010, my husband of 15 years tells me he is leaving me, it was also the day of our 20th high school reunion, that we were attending that evening. Which came as a total shock, because days before due to some feelings of distance from him, I asked if there was anything wrong, and was he still in love with me (will let you know why those specific questions were asked) to which he responded yes sweetheart, there is nothing wrong, and yes I love you and I am in love with you, to which was a long embrace, kiss and a wonderful night of sex. He then added that night, that I was a wonderful mother, wife and friend and couldn’t ask for anything more. Needless to say I was completely shocked, and became very angry and screamed why why would you say that to me, are you thinking about it or what is going on, you said nothing was wrong and if there was I surely did not expect it to be where you are leaving. He said I just don’t know, I don’t know I am just not happy. I said well the other night I asked you what was wrong and you told me nothing that pretty much I was making a problem where there was none because I over think things he just repeated I just don’t know I am not happy and I told you that cause I didn’t want to fight. Well I went to the reunion, because I wasn’t going to let that stop me, I think I was just in shock, that night he slept in his truck, and next morning took personal things, clothes and moved back in with his parents. Over the past several months, I have finally got out of him, that our last 15 years were wonderful, but in the last year he began to be unhappy and didn’t know what he wanted. We had a falling out 5 years prior where he told me the same thing, we went to counseling and our marriage worked and we became stronger, and I made him promise to tell me if he ever felt that way again to tell me and to keep our communication always open to discuss when we had an issue with each other so we would never get that way again, that is why I stated earlier the direct line of questioning, I mean you can not be with someone as long as we have and not know that something is wrong, so I asked and pretty much was told that it was all in my head because there was no cause of concern. Now this is a man, that told my mother in 1st grade he was going to marry me, and on our wedding day told her see I told you so - we weren’t high school sweethearts, but really good friends and became really close friends before we married. I know this is a long story, but to get to the point, he began over time during the separation to tell me that in that last few months started to think of leaving me, I became so angry because of the promise he made to let me know if he ever began to feel like that again so we could work on it before it was too late, I mean we hardly ever fought, our friends were envious of our relationship and used ours as an example, all of our friends including his close friends were in shock, to which they decided it had to be another woman, because they never seen this coming, always thought we would be together, and he says it was not that there was no one else at all and after all this time, there is no proof of another woman, even now during our separation nothing, no one else, never seen with anyone else etc - he is taking care of everything financially, I have the house, car etc, because I do have a health issue(will not go into) that prevents me from working because the doctor recommended - so no income of my own after 30+ years of always being able to financially take care of myself. He hasn’t returned home, or even made any attempt to work on our marriage during this time to repair this split, we have a 13 year old son who is completely devastated over this, and all I can get out of him to this day is that he loves me to death, and takes full responsibility, but doesn’t want to be married, loves the freedom to make his own decisions, such as I want to go golfing but I don’t have to inform anyone, I just go - he had that freedom here I never stopped him from doing or going where or when, the difference is he just didn’t have to say honey I am going golfing, don’t know when I will be home, but if I run later then I thought I will call you - that is it that is the freedom he is talking about - but still wants the close friendship and intimacy we always had, has no desire to be with anyone else but if the opportunity presents itself I guess then there is nothing there stopping him - when I ask why he stayed silent if he really had an issue he didn’t like he said he didn’t realize it was an issue and didn’t want to fight, but didn’t realize he felt this way until it was too late and for that he was sorry. I mean I was the one who asked for the divorce after 3 months of nothing, no desire to do anything to save our marriage, and no desire to return home and pick up where we left off, says it is all his fault but after living with his parents, and sleeping alone, he came to the conclusion he just didn’t want to be married, loves me and wants to continue to act like we always did, just not living together, and not having the responsibility of letting me know what he is doing or having to tell me if he wants to go anywhere, and only spend the time with either me or our son when he wants to and not on a daily basis. Now like I said he was a wonderful husband and father and friend, just emotionally distant from time to time but never gave me any cause for concern, so I don’t know what it is with men but they all seem to say the same thing, I mean he didn’t marry to young, had a dating life so it wasn’t because he never got the chance to play the field insisted we were soul mates - we were great friends he just doesn’t know what he wants - and now after 7 months still hasn’t filed for a divorce even though he knows I asked for one, but doesn’t want to work on our marriage to repair it, likes living with parents, which by the way mom still does his laundry, cooks shops etc, all he has to do is get up go to work, play after work, and go out on weekends, that is all. I mean the only thing he took was clothes and personal items, I have everything in the house and the house, he pays for everything with no issues, he knows that it will probably be spousal and child support, the lawyer pretty much told him to maintain his financial duties until settles in court but he will have to get a 2nd job if he wants to move out of his parents house since he has no financial issues there he doesn’t have to pay for anything, his car is paid off and while he takes care of the financials here, his gas etc still comes out of bank account in addition to an allowance in cash for his use every week too. Even that wasn’t an issue to get him to change his mind and work on our marriage you know the whole it is cheaper to keep her, I mean when he is with me, he still acts like my husband, but he isn’t there every day unless I ask him to come over, I mean I love this man I gave him my heart and his reasons for leaving are nothing shy of total crap for not trying to make our marriage work, says I never gave him any reason to not stay except he just would rather be unmarried, he doesn’t want the full time job of being a father or husband. His son at one point begged his dad to try for him, since he didn’t like spending time with his dad every now and then and the separate holiday time etc. I never kept him from his son, he can see him whenever he wants just as long as I don’t have something planned, but since he has moved out, he has only had his son over 2 weekends to spend the night and it was just for the one night, he never calls him during the day, just once a night to say goodnight and that was only after telling him that it was necessary to our son, and says well if he wants to talk to me he can call me why do I have to call him, I personally believe it is a mid life crisis, and he is trying to re capture his youth, even though he says that is not it. Well after all of this, I guess your question is what do you do, and honestly I know your pain you keep hoping that the longer you wait he will just realize that he made a mistake and will want to come home, so you are afraid to move on, cause the thought of starting over scares the crap out of you, and you are afraid if you do move on, then he will and get someone else, which you know will totally ruin you I mean even the very thought sickens you, or if you move on he will then completely move on himself, and you don’t even know if that is what you want. I mean we have been separate for 7 months and have begun the process of getting a divorce, and I still love him, seeing him brings back so many good memories, however, he doesn’t see it that way when he sees me, oh he loves me to death he said and wants to see me when he wants to, but to sleep with me every night and be there for me everyday is a job he no longer wants - I still don’t know if I wouldn’t take him back if he asked, but what I can tell you, I had to do what was good for my son and myself, I had to love myself and realize all though this man is a good man, I deserve to have a man here and make me his priority the way I did for him, no one said we all cant have a little me time, but if that is all you want that isn’t good enough. So I suggest work on yourself like I did, your health your body hair what ever begins to make you feel better about yourself, worry about your kids and only involve the father when it is necessary, or when he wants to be and no one said to jump into bed with the first person you see, but it doesn’t mean you cant go out on a date as a friend with someone, but we all deserve to be with someone who treasures us, and men say they cant figure women out or what we want, if they only paid attention if they treat us like a queen they will be treated like a king, flowers for no reason, back rub to tell us they love us the occasional you are beautiful to me, the thank you for everything statement now and then and hold us when we cry, never make us cry, and if you do tell us you are sorry, and show the desire to spend as much time with us as possible, and when you need your me time we will give it to you with no quarrel, and keep our communication line open, tell us when something hurts or bothers you so we can work on it, as well as listen to us when something hurts or bothers us so as to not repeat it. He is out there, and live for yourself, the money issue will work itself out, believe me I panicked at first too, but there is spousal, and child support and in all states, they take into consideration the lifestyle to which you have become accustomed to, they take that into consideration, of course there is the assets but you will work it out just consider change good for you and hang in there - things do happen for a reason, and you never know - but if he is still telling you he doesn’t know what he wants or if he wants to try - my advice is move on - and one of 2 things will happen - you will either be happier then you ever thought with someone who is better then he ever was - or he will come back with a whole new attitude and will change for the better - I am sorry for the length of this reply, but I just wanted to let you know you are not alone in this and it will get better - and my final words are - the ones that make us cry do not deserve our tears, and the ones that do deserve our tears, never make us cry. 

I hope this helps someone, and just a note do i wish it was different, of course i do, but I also know that I need to love myself, and like I stated before you never know what time will bring, but if someone is telling me that I want to keep you once in awhile like a wife, just not be my wife, it is time to move on even tho it breaks your heart, how do you get that back, well you will even if is missing some pieces when you get it back since you never thought this was going to happen to you, just keep it to yourself, and try again he is out there, even if there is a slight chance it maybe the one you once had, just dont hang your hopes on that thought.


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## sparkle4 (Jun 12, 2010)

What a great post and I could not have read this at a better time. I have been seperated from my husband for 7 months also. He has been stringing me along almost the same way and I think it is time for me to move on and take care of me. 

Thanks so much for posting.


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