# Do EAs go PA to placate OM/OW?



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Is it possible that a WS -in some cases- has sex with OM/OW because the OM/OW expects to have sex?

It's to placate them or reward them in some way?:scratchhead:


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## PappyJack (Nov 1, 2013)

I would have to say 'Duh'.


Woman give sex to get attention, men give attention to get sex.
So at some point to keep the attention coming, a woman gives the sex.

The hardened cheater, the sociopath often described, those are pretty rare and we all know it.

The soul mate, fell in love accidentally with work partner type, etc. are much more common, and they would eventually crave sex.

I would suspect that woman who find themselves suddenly obligated to put out are pretty darn common in affairs.

Heck, that's why most woman sleep with a man the first time anyway. Sense of obligation.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> Is it possible that a WS -in some cases- has sex with OM/OW because the OM/OW expects to have sex?
> 
> It's to placate them or reward them in some way?:scratchhead:


One of my favorite entries in the Cheater's Script thread is "I felt I owed it to him/her."


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## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> Is it possible that a WS -in some cases- has sex with OM/OW because the OM/OW expects to have sex?
> 
> It's to placate them or reward them in some way?:scratchhead:


Nope, it's to placate / reward the WSself.

They're not happy, they deserve to be free, they need space, they couldn't live their wild 20's, it's all BS's fault. Remember? :rofl:


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

To keep emotional needs being met a woman will put out.

To keep getting sex a man will keep meeting a woman's needs.

This why most affairs go from EA to PA. Many a WW after the affair have said the sex was ok. They kept putting out because they loved having their emotional needs being met.


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## HarryDoyle (Jan 19, 2013)

That was my first thought on d-day, but I think there's more gray there than black and white and it depends a lot of course on the person. It was one of the first questions I asked my WW, especially since she did things with the POSOM that she had never done with me at least not in the last thirty years. She assured me that she felt no obligation to the POSOM one way or the other. That sex met her self esteem needs, especially since the OMs were 15 or so years younger than her. Plus she liked the control sex gave her over the OM, she pretty much called the shots when it came to when and where and he called the "plays". I don't know which I would have preferred, her giving herself up out of obligation or her bonking a guy or two just for sex. 

I know one thing though, now that she's played her hand and put all her cards on the table, she can't pretend she doesn't like sex anymore! 
She told me she was afraid to show me how much she liked sex because I would think she was a slvt.:scratchhead: Well she doesn't have to worry about that anymore, so sex is now the least of our problems.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Its the currency some waywards pay for the attention they want so badly.

Sure nomal folks bail on their SO and start new relationship when sh1t doesn't go their way, but thats what seperated the cheaters from the rest of us.

Hell there are reasons as the day is long but at the end of the day it is after all a choice made by the wayward.

Be it an emotional connection that is due to solidify the affair, or a sympathy phuck, and even a I'm just a horny person just for the sex....

So yes and no...ya most cases are to placate the AP, but in some cases the AP or AP's..it has nothing to do with them and all about the waywards need to validate, control , or even sabodage a good marriage.

It can be said that giving the AP what they want versus what the wayward wants has nothing to do with the other.

In some cases the wayward is just broken!

And in some cases the AP now sees what they have gotten them selves into ...and lets the next AP have at it.


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

She had sex with him because she wanted to. She enjoyed it quite a bit from what I read. He can have her.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I don't think we can generalize the "why" with regard to it going physical.

But we all can agree to the script when it comes to the lies and deciet a wayward puts forth in continuing the betrayal when screwing around on us betrayed.


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## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

It is a vicious cycle. Emotional attachment comes with the lure of sex, then the physical engagement keeps fuelling the emotional bonding.

At the end of the day, cheaters are doing it to reward themselves, because as we all know- "they deserve to be happy".


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## MrMathias (Nov 19, 2012)

theroad said:


> To keep emotional needs being met a woman will put out.


I have to agree with this. 

I asked MrsM once if she would have been happy keeping it an EA, and she thought about it and said yes. But she 'wanted him to be happy' and never said no to him for anything important. There had to be some animal level want-to-be-f'd attraction too of course but it was the emotional stuff that snagged her. 

She said that the fourth time he initiated for PIV (on one of her short visits) she actively thought 'Why can't we just talk anymore?' before putting out. At that point I think she started realizing that she and her 'best friend' had fvcked up any chance of ever interacting in the open again, interacting professionally, and being able to do the things that brought them together in the first place. He couldn't make 'love deposits anymore. She became his sextoy- and she later found out he was seeking his emotional needs with his ex-GF. 

I've said it more than once, if it wasn't so destructive and seedy, cheater behavior would be kind of amusing. It's so downright bizarre I find myself shaking my head in bemused disbelief.


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## machaladoz (Nov 2, 2013)

I would suspect that woman who find themselves suddenly obligated to put out are pretty darn common in affairs.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

life101 said:


> It is a vicious cycle. Emotional attachment comes with the lure of sex, then the physical engagement keeps fuelling the emotional bonding.


My experience is just the opposite i.e. the PA would often become an EA.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

machaladoz said:


> I would suspect that woman who find themselves suddenly obligated to put out are pretty darn common in affairs.


In its most simplest terms yes, this is true. One would think.

In the same breath, it may not be an obligation, but a wanting!

Hell at that point its not about the OM/OW..its only about the wayward.

In some cases, keeping the OM/OW happy...no matter how many there are is just a waywards way to find their own way to placate them selves.

My question; Do ONS come about to placet the strange?


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

I think the OM expected it to happen at some point and he later told my husband "Well, it would have happened eventually." It pissed me off big time because NOT IN A MILLION YEARS, BUDDY!

We had planned to meet and I canceled it because in the end I didn't want to take that step. It was exciting for a while to think about it but every time OM talked about the actual meeting and what we'd do....I kept thinking I don't really want this guy to touch me. I told the OM I couldn't get time off at work. I lied because I didn't want to lose the attention and I probably would have tried to string the OM along as long as possible, had I not been caught by my husband.

I wasn't looking for sex, I was looking for attention and like someone mentioned above: women give sex to get attention, men give attention to get sex.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

As others have posted, I think it's more a logical development in a relationship. Once the cheater has decided to cheat then all bets are on as far as it goes.

So in my ex wife's pursuit of her ex colleague, they started going for lunch, then meeting in a car for a "chat", then kissing in the car, then they arranged for her to call over one evening when the only child he keeps in touch with was out of the house.

It's just as you would expect in a dating scenario - not obligation, but desire. To look further is to look into why people have sex full stop. 

In a cheater's mind there is no responsibility to their spouse/partner so the relationship simply follows the path it would follow had they not happened to be married at the time...


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## lacey99 (Oct 18, 2013)

I think EAs have no where to go but PAs UNLESS it ends, which is almost won't happen when in the FOG ....somewhere else said an ea is pre pa....it's like when 2 people (nothing to do with an A) saying "I just want to stay friends"-it often can't stay that way,


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Moment of Truth said:


> I wouldn't believe her I she said she only had sex to keep getting the emotional fill. What I would believe is that because he was satisfying her emotionally that in part caused her to want to have sex with him.


I agree. My ex told me the same exact thing. People don't have sex unless they both want to. For women anyway, sex may not be primarily what they are after but they do want to engage in the sex because it is emotional for them. To says it's out of some sense of obligation is a gross simplification.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Chris989 said:


> In a cheater's mind there is no responsibility to their spouse/partner so the relationship simply follows the path it would follow had they not happened to be married at the time...


Exactly. You're basically dead to them in their mind. 

Cheaters engage in extreme mental compartmentalization. 

It's practically a skill...


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

> Is it possible that a WS -in some cases- has sex with OM/OW because the OM/OW expects to have sex?


Dating leads to sex. 
Here on Planet Adultery dating is called having an EA. 
Most EAs if allowed to proceed would lead to sex. 
WS may indeed put out a bit sooner for fear of losing OM/OW to someone who would have sex with them. 
But the same happens in the singles dating world. 

So yes, it does happen just as it does in the singles world.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

MattMatt said:


> Is it possible that a WS -in some cases- has sex with OM/OW because the OM/OW expects to have sex?
> 
> It's to placate them or reward them in some way?:scratchhead:


As Mori said here many years ago...

"Sex is the currency of the affair."... and it seems business is booming!


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## maincourse99 (Aug 15, 2012)

Tend to agree that an affair is dating, so it will eventually lead to sex. My ex-w has lived with POSOM for a year, and recently while discussing financial issues pertaining to D, out of the blue she says "I only moved in with him because I didn't think I could survive financially on my own."

I never believed she was in love with him, infatuated maybe, maybe a soft landing place land after leaving me. She told me early on that she never looked at him as a long term thing.

I'll never know for sure, but I think eventually she'll move on to the next guy, one with more money. 

I think she likes sex, controlling men with it, validation etc. when she was done with me, finding someone to go to became a priority. She found him, he was part of the escape plan.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Old axiom - "Sex is the price a woman will pay for attention from men."

This has been proven time and time again over many years.


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## calmwinds (Dec 10, 2012)

I think, in my FWH's situation, probably. He was awaiting *another*back surgery at the time (had been broken twice with broken hardware) and that type of activity was extremely painful for him . When he finally got out of the fog and began telling me all the (very) painful truths, he told me he actually was able to "put her off" for four months by telling her nothing was ever going to happen between them until she got a full documentation of STD panel and IUD placement (her H is military retired and socialized medicine takes a bit). She didn't take him seriously at first, but eventually made the appointments, got the procedure (her H has vas) and provided him with the documentation.
After all that, she wasn't satisfied with his efforts (he later realized she didn't love him, afterall). I am very pleased to say...she never got to experience him post-operatively:FIREdevil:


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## JadedHusband (Aug 17, 2013)

People and especially men put waaaay too much emphasis on sex in the marriage. Lack of is just the symptom of dysfunction and not the cause of it. If the rest of the house is in order sex wont be an issue whether you are having lots of it or not. I cant imagine someone being in an unhappy relationship and still craving sex for the sake of having sex. And folks who want intimacy with their WS just boggle my mind. Maybe its done out of a desire for the one who hurt you to submit themselves
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

FourtyPlus said:


> I think the OM expected it to happen at some point and he later told my husband "Well, it would have happened eventually." It pissed me off big time because NOT IN A MILLION YEARS, BUDDY!
> 
> We had planned to meet and I canceled it because in the end I didn't want to take that step. It was exciting for a while to think about it but every time OM talked about the actual meeting and what we'd do....I kept thinking I don't really want this guy to touch me. I told the OM I couldn't get time off at work. I lied because I didn't want to lose the attention and I probably would have tried to string the OM along as long as possible, had I not been caught by my husband.
> 
> I wasn't looking for sex, I was looking for attention and like someone mentioned above: women give sex to get attention, men give attention to get sex.


I think this is the situation that my fiance was in with his EA. She liked the attention, the competition (as they both talked about me as per e-mails and texts) and the use of his credit card whenever he showed up .... including closing bar tabs for her and her friends.

Two major turning points between them was one when he went in for the kiss and she rejected him. When she realised she had miscalculated, she really tried to shore up her position. First, telling him that if he dropped me, they could have the full relationship. When that didn't work, she offered to dump the other guy that she was dating.

They had already planned and paid for a trip 2 weeks into the future. She tried to back out and he wouldn't let her. I guess that does mean that she did pay for the flights since she went through with it. Before the first night of their trip was over, he sent me an e-mail claiming that since his "friend" has a boyfriend, she was safe and we could all be friends. He also said it was her idea that he send the e-mail. I can only imagine that she decided that the only way she would get some sleep that night and for the rest of the trip was to get him to send that e-mail and to finally buy into that reality.

I do think that for women, they prefer EAs because they believe that they can get the attention and the trimmings without having to put out.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

********** said:


> Dating leads to sex.
> Here on Planet Adultery dating is called having an EA.
> Most EAs if allowed to proceed would lead to sex.
> WS may indeed put out a bit sooner for fear of losing OM/OW to someone who would have sex with them.
> ...


*So true! And I would greatly chalk it up to the fact that the WS, in their search for identity as well as emotional acceptance by the OP, subconsciously considers themselves as "single" again, and in full control of who it is that they will come to sleep with, given the cumulative degree of emotional acceptance that they are, indeed, receiving from the OP. 

And once their emotional needs are being met, then they are more than willing to lower their pants to meet those sexual needs of their AP, without as much as a second thought!*


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