# I think I am hurt.



## the_turtle (Jan 7, 2014)

I need help. I am 28 years old, dating my husband since 18. We got married in 2008 and he is having his 43 rd birthday next month. The entire years we have been together did he make me feel arousal 1 time. Since we moved in together (upon marriage), the sex frequency went down from 2 times a week down to now once a month (some times we went almost 11 weeks without sexual activity-which means not even oral sex).

So, here is the medical history:
He never lasts more than 5 minutes, average time is 3 minutes.
His T-level is down to the floor as he tested it 3 years ago. His doctor gave me T-gel and he was on it for 9 months-but the sex life did not improve-since he had NO INTEREST even though he said he did want-but I believe he was interested in sex once in the blue moon only not a healthy dose once a week.
So after 9 months on the gel, he complained about it being messy, the doctor then gave him an option of getting the T shots, once every 2 weeks. He was on it for about 6 months and quit because he hated needles. 

I brought up my frustration of almost sexless marriage 3 years ago while he was still on the T-gel. I complained none to little oral sex performance and "dry vaginal sex" due to the lack of foreplay-as I said, he made me arousal only 1 time during the last 10 years.

I brought up the same complaints 2 years ago.

And I brought up the same complaints last summer.

And the last 2 sessions of sex (last Nov and Dec), he went to town with me dry.

And I brought up the same complaints yesterday. To my surprise, he remembered he did stimulate me enough before penetration. 

So, we talked yesterday. I asked: why have you not made any effort in improving sex? You spend time reading about airplanes, about fixing records, about eBay auctions, but that's all you care about. He said: because I don't want to talk about sex. Because you have always got your finger on this sex thing and I have difficulty dealing with this pressure. The pressure he mentioned here is the 3 times out of 5 years in marriage. 

We ended the talk with me saying: Do you know every time I have a bowel movement, there is always blood on the toilet tissues because of that painful dry anal sex we had over 3 years ago? (as I said that, I wanted him to know his lack of research on the internet or sex store for any lubricant gave me chronic anal fissures). He asked: did you not want me to do that (anal sex)? I said: no I wanted you to do it, but I guess no one wants the pain. 

The conversation ended there. Following it was tension. 
Last night, I moved and slept on the couch after he fell asleep in bed. I was so angry that I could not fall asleep until 4:30 a.m. I was so angry that I could not cry. 
What is my problem?:scratchhead:


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

The Turtle.. I am so sorry it really sounds like your husband has a T problem or is LD. I would first get his T tested again. You also need to get yourself checked to see if you have been injured. It is not good to leave that kind of an injury untreated.


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## the_turtle (Jan 7, 2014)

@ Mineforever: Thank you for your reply!I think I will see my doctor and get it check out. What is the best way to be happy with a H who has ED, LD, and premature ejaculation? I suggested him to use condoms to at least help it last more than 3 minutes and he said that felt "un-natural" on his member making the sex feel less good and he would lose erection. I bought him a desensitizing spray, and he said just like condoms, this stuff will make him lose erection! SO... there has been too much resentment. I find it so embarrassing to say I'm unhappy and angry and bitter because he does not seem to care about my need?


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

the_turtle said:


> I need help. I am 28 years old, dating my husband since 18. We got married in 2008 and he is having his 43 rd birthday next month.


So when you met, you were 18 and he was 33. Almost old enough to be your dad. I think you should have expected a sexual mismatch from such a huge age difference. 



> _The entire years we have been together did he make me feel arousal 1 time_


I think you mean orgasm one time? So if he was never a very sexual person, why did you think this would ever improve over time? Sounds like this was an issue for him even before his T levels went down.



> _We ended the talk with me saying: Do you know every time I have a bowel movement, there is always blood on the toilet tissues because of that painful dry anal sex we had over 3 years ago?_


It seems strange that you would still be bleeding over anal sex three years prior! I strongly suggest you see a doctor. The blood could be another problem entirely.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Tough situation Turtle. You were far too young to fully understand what was what regarding sex back when you got together with your H. But he was certainly old enough to know better. 

I always think older men with teenagers is more about the man wanting someone too young and too inexperienced to know what an asshat he is. And you have shown yet another prime example of the validity of my theory.

Now you're older and you're able to know what you want, but apparently the way you're asking for it isn't working too well.

Here is the other thing older men with younger women don't realize. At some point she is going to get a clue about what a d!ck he is...and then what? 

First things first. If you're not sufficiently aroused and lubricated for sex, *don't allow him to penetrate yo*u. Just say, "no dear not yet I need you to ...." And this is the part where you need to know your own body and tell him what your body needs. More general caressing? More breast play? More clit stim? Okay so you tell him you need more of....Fill in the blank ... and then you tell him gently, nicely, enticingly, how you like it done.

You could also but him a book and you two could read it together. 

I'm not even going to go into allowing him to penetrate you anally without lubrication. Your man is clearly a sexual dunce who learned all he knows about women from lousy porn. Don't ever let him near your ass without LOTS and LOTS of lube.

Turtle, bottom line here is that this is your body and your sex life. You have to ask for what you want, show him how you want it and be nice about it all at the same time.

In terms of frequency and his low testosterone ... That's a whole different ball of wax but it sounds like you married a baby! What man would give up sex with a hot young wife because he doesn't like injections? 

Do you have kids yet? If not...maybe it's time to cut bait. This guy sounds like a loser with a capital L.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

What is YOUR problem? I think your problem is staying with this man who is neglecting you.

It sounds like you have addressed the problems with him, he is aware and is making no efforts to treat you better.

I second what anon said - it does sound like he wanted someone who was naive about sex. Your phrasing make me wonder if English is your second language? If so that is more proof in my mind that he was not out to find an equal sexual partner but rather a naive one.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

He seems ignorant about sex and has a very low drive to me. 

He may not intend to do it badly he just does not know any better and he takes no pride in being good because he really does not care much about sex. 

You have been far too kind to him Turtle. You need to show him what to do to please you. 

Go buy some lube and keep it handy -I give my wife plenty of foreplay but we still use it every time because good lubrication is important. 

Also it seems like most men find that ED meds can slow down ejaculation and increase the pleasure.


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## the_turtle (Jan 7, 2014)

I just talked to him again this afternoon-thankfully, the conversation went without turning into verbal attacks as the way it had always been-Anyway, he did apologize me this time for emotionally neglecting me. He also admitted that he was so dumb to let this problem push me to the point where I had to confront and complain 3 times for the last 5 years. So as usmarriedguy commented; he appeared to be ignorant and also uncaring about his own need or my need.Today, I also told him that I refused to serve him the divorce paper because I wanted him be the one who would feel guilty and responsible the failure from the beginning to the end of the marriage (by the way, we do not have children and will never do). 
So now he promises to work with me on this issue or I'm going to sleep in the guess bedroom from now on. I don't know whether this promise is another way of this man buying more time because I kinda heard these words 3 times before. Am I getting the same old promises that never get done?


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## P51Geo1980 (Sep 25, 2013)

the_turtle said:


> I just talked to him again this afternoon-thankfully, the conversation went without turning into verbal attacks as the way it had always been-Anyway, he did apologize me this time for emotionally neglecting me. He also admitted that he was so dumb to let this problem push me to the point where I had to confront and complain 3 times for the last 5 years. So as usmarriedguy commented; he appeared to be ignorant and also uncaring about his own need or my need.Today, I also told him that I refused to serve him the divorce paper because I wanted him be the one who would feel guilty and responsible the failure from the beginning to the end of the marriage (by the way, we do not have children and will never do).
> So now he promises to work with me on this issue or I'm going to sleep in the guess bedroom from now on. I don't know whether this promise is another way of this man buying more time because I kinda heard these words 3 times before. Am I getting the same old promises that never get done?


Do not get your hopes up. My wife has made promises to change...and she does...for about a month. She has always regressed back to her old ways. In September I'd finally had enough and permanently moved out of the bedroom. She wasn't pleased and promised to change but when I told her she'd made those promises before and regressed all she could do was cry. I'll be serving her divorce papers this summer and moving on with my life. She's already been told that if she gets nasty in the divorce I will tell everyone the exact truth of why I'm leaving. I've already found someone I wish to pursue once divorce papers have been served - she's aware of my situation so we are friends until I file. My point is, you're still very young and he's very old compared to you - I'm sure it wouldn't be hard for you to find someone who cares about your needs.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Watch his actions. If he remains the same guy, you have your sad answer.

I'm sorry your in this spot... But come on...how difficult is sex? He can read...right?


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

Yeah, three strikes already so you are nice to give him a fourth chance. 

I would say just do not let it slide. -Because if you do than he may just assume that he is good for another year or so until the next time you complain.

Require him to give you all the foreplay you need and teach him what you like.


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## WalterWhite420 (Dec 27, 2013)

I tried the T gels too, and they helped a little. But when I switched over to weekly T injections, my libido went thru the roof. My doc says that weekly (NOT biweekly) T injections work better than any other T delivery method.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

WalterWhite420 said:


> I tried the T gels too, and they helped a little. But when I switched over to weekly T injections, my libido went thru the roof. My doc says that weekly (NOT biweekly) T injections work better than any other T delivery method.


How much test are they injecting?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## forevermemorable (Oct 19, 2012)

P51Geo1980 said:


> I told her she'd made those promises before and regressed all she could do was cry. I'll be serving her divorce papers this summer and moving on with my life. She's already been told that if she gets nasty in the divorce I will tell everyone the exact truth of why I'm leaving. I've already found someone I wish to pursue once divorce papers have been served


Sounds very insensitive of you. Because your wife won't perform the way you expect in bed, you now want to divorce her! Ouch! I think the real truth is, you found someone else and you are just using your wife's sexual problems as an excuse to divorce her.

Turtle, you need to hang in there and be more communication with your spouse. It sounds like to me, you have not had a voice in your marriage or you just didn't know how. I would gather that communication between the two of you has always been scarce. To make any marriage work, you need communication! It is the glue that will hold you two together. There is NO such thing as a perfect marriage! There is NO such thing as having a spouse whom you see eye-to-eye with on every topic. I think there is a disillusion about marriage where everything has to go perfect and just the way you want it to. And of course, if it doesn't (and it will), than lets reach for our lawyers and file divorce. Divorce is one of the biggest cop outs ever!

Keep communicating. Talk to your spouse about your sexual desires, turn ons, what works best for you, fantasies, etc. I would imagine that this has been a taboo topic for you in your marriage, but it is necessary in the communicating process. Your voice is just as valid as his. I would venture to say that your husband is not much of a leader and his understanding of sex is very limited and vague. His parents probably never told him anything about the topic. Your husband needs to be educated in the art of love making and sexual pleasure. Practice more foreplay! Teach your husband your desires and how to finally and actually go about having a healthy sex life. Your husband needs to respect your boundaries on the things that make you feel uncomfortable.

Marriage does take work to make it work, just like anything else in life. As much as you put into it, will be as much as you get out of it. Keep communicating, keep sharing, keep growing in the areas that the two of you lack.


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## the_turtle (Jan 7, 2014)

I'm back with more updates.
After paying a visit to our family doctor, the verdict from the doctor is this: Cialis 5 mg, and no need for T gels nor T injections. He was on T gels and T injections for quite some time (at least 6 months) and it never revved up his libido or decreased fatigue. 
So, now on Cialis 5mg daily, he has commented that it probably does not help him last more than 3 minutes. And so the first sex after taking Cialis 5mg for the first time ended after 3 minutes. And it was last Saturday.

He did say yesterday that he got semi-chubby a few times through out the day due to the use of Cialis but that was no way equivalent to sexual arousal. IS that true? Anyone has any experience with Cialis 5mg daily dosage?

Another


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## the_turtle (Jan 7, 2014)

forevermemorable said:


> Sounds very insensitive of you. Because your wife won't perform the way you expect in bed, you now want to divorce her! Ouch! I think the real truth is, you found someone else and you are just using your wife's sexual problems as an excuse to divorce her.
> 
> Turtle, you need to hang in there and be more communication with your spouse. It sounds like to me, you have not had a voice in your marriage or you just didn't know how. I would gather that communication between the two of you has always been scarce. To make any marriage work, you need communication! It is the glue that will hold you two together. There is NO such thing as a perfect marriage! There is NO such thing as having a spouse whom you see eye-to-eye with on every topic. I think there is a disillusion about marriage where everything has to go perfect and just the way you want it to. And of course, if it doesn't (and it will), than lets reach for our lawyers and file divorce. Divorce is one of the biggest cop outs ever!
> 
> ...



Indeed we could not communicate in depth about sex because he had difficulty facing the problem. He said he was not comfortable talking about it with me when being confronted. And, even when talking to the doctor, he found it hard to speak it up and discussed in details so that he could get medical advice. Now, he faced his problem and took Cialis for the first time. For now, the sexual issue may not be a big problem for a while (let's hope there will be no relapse). However...I have noticed I have been really QUICK lately, as a result of carrying so much resentment from the wedding day until now. Basically there are 2 big contributions to my resentments: 

1. walking through the wedding that resembled nothing I had dreamed of, because my husband insisted on GIVING HIS FAMILY THE WEDDING SINCE THEY ALL WANTED TO SEE HIM GET MARRIED. I purposely got myself drunk the night before the wedding to be able spending 6 hours at my own wedding. This event made me feel like I was only second to his family and indeed he admitted that the wedding was "for those people". I wanted to cancel the wedding;instead, it would be better to go to the City Hall and wait for a year or two to get the wedding I wanted-but no he did not let me have it.

2. Sex problem ever since the first day I arrived in USA. The first night I got off the airplane, he wanted a BJ and that was all for that night. I was left in shock. Following that, he started making a joke that I was a nympho because I wanted sex every other night (or 3-4 times a week and I was 23 at the time). And following that was years of dissatisfaction in sex life to near sexless marriage for the last 2 years. 

I kinda recognize my emotional issue. I've always been the person with great sense of self-control. The more problems I face, the better I "defense" myself from feeling pain by blocking emotional/facial expression. Obviously, since the wedding day, I have had too much to bear-all these problems could not be shared with any friends or families (don't get me wrong; I did try to share my story, but they all just kinda said "suck it up. it's marriage. better be in marriage than being alone etc." to shut me up. 

...It seems a bit late that now too much resentments and anger have been built up. Even a slightest disagreement now is enough to blow things out of proportion. Ladies and gentlemen, I really need your suggestions. I have been to counselor for 2 months to work on this and by far, the counseling process has only made me focus on my emotions enough to recognize the roots of my emotional issues (the 2 I listed above).

As for the wedding issue, husband and I have agreed that in 2018 I will have 10th year anniversary with whatever I wanted for a wedding: a real engagement ring-not a $50.00 ring he gave upon proposal, a real wedding band, a dress of my choice instead of a $99.00 gown. That soothed somewhat of my resentment, but does not change the impressions I had about him, and also can't I forget that I got married in 2008, not 2018. I tried meditation, but it was tough to meditate while waking up every day feeling crap. Maybe I'm just not all that good at meditating. left alone those health warnings like "stress-silent killer" etc, I simply do not want to have a life that lacks quality that it has been in the past.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

OP, forget about your H's libido issues for the time being and get yourself to the doctor, pronto. One cannot ignore rectal bleeding, particularly if it occurs after anal sex. The anus is full of bacteria and any untreated tears there could end up making you very ill indeed.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Had you guys had a sexual relationship before you came to the USA or was just long distance/online prior to that? 

Of course I don't know him, but it paints a picture of a man who didn't want to put a lot of effort into a relationship/marriage and wanted to get away with what he could. Married someone much younger, married someone from another culture, didn't take your feelings into account with the engagement, wedding or marriage. 

It sounds like you have been made to feel very insignificant - and no wonder!


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Exactly MissScarlett! The mouse has found her teeth and boy is she pissed! 

Turtle, allow the anger to ebb and flow. While you go through this, the processing of all the years of feeling completely insignificant, you must also seek the ways you could have handled things better, could have stood up for yourself, could have spoken up sooner... This is not to put the blame back on you. This is a learning experience. As you discover the ways you could have had a better impact on your relationship, you will learn to forgive yourself for not knowing how to do these things or not knowing that you could do these things. At the same times, you will learn to forgive your H, for also not knowing to do some things and not knowing he should do these things. It will take a while to get through everything. 

In light of that, I suggest you start a journal and write resentments down. Leave space to go back and write down things you could have done or said that would have altered events to lessen your feelings of being insignificant in the relationship. Once you have included your contribution, show that page to your husband and ask him to also write what, in hindsight, he could have should have done differently. This is how you come back together and make your future relationship everything you both want it to be.

As Cosmos said, get your butt to the doc!

My H takes 5mg Cialis. It only helps with getting and maintaining an erection, it does nothing for staying power. This is why communication is so important. If a man can't last very long, he needs to ensure she is well spent before he penetrates her. She must be brought to orgasm before penetration and after penetration if he isn't lasting long enough. Not a lot of men men will think of this on their own because they assume a woman orgasms via penetration and once that is over, sex is over. Well nothing could be farther from the truth! Sex lasts as long as you both are awake and willing! Erection doesn't necessarily have to be a part of sex.


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## srvmatrix (Feb 1, 2013)

Your situation sounds too bad but it's good that your H promises to work on the issue.

There are some DVD programs about improving this maybe you could get that and watching together?

Such as:

60 Minute Stamina Program | For better sex videos and how to guides – iTalk Cafe

Keni Styles Superman Stamina | For better sex videos and how to guides – iTalk Cafe

60 Minute Stamina Club | For better sex videos and how to guides – iTalk Cafe

Why holding the pain? Keep moving on and get that fixed.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

I do not use a daily ED but a 100mg Viagra will most certainly make it harder for me to finish also doing it later at night.

But everyone is slightly different and these days I could not finish in three minutes under any condition other than doing it myself and maybe not then.

How much do you two work on extending the session? I have heard that guys can learn to slow it down some. 

I have heard that ED drugs do not effect your desire to have sex. But I think that maybe they can if they help build confidence and make the act better over all (improve quality). 

But I can think of no excuse for him to be so unconcerned about your needs.


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## forevermemorable (Oct 19, 2012)

I always wonder why two people get married in the first place. I really don't think people truly know what love is. I honestly with all my heart feel that most people get married out of infatuation. Remember those days in high school, where you were head over heels towards someone and then it wore off before the semester was over. Unfortunately today, people just say, "Lets get married" and they really do not think things through or over.

I honestly wish people didn't get married primary for the sex. Marriage is NOT about sex, but about commitment! You get married because you want to share an entire life experience with each other, get old together, stay with each other, raise kids, etc. etc. etc. Marriage is just a game now...something to play for an inning, a quarter, a period, a match, etc. and when it is over, lets move on to the next fresh meat we can get our hands on; while leaving our spouse and ourselves in shambles.

Sorry to get off on a cold dose of reality, but this is the God's honest truth of the matter. Never the less, where do you go from here? You get rid of that bitterness you are harvesting, because you are killing your marriage. True love does not take into account the wrongs that have been suffered. Yes, your husband has done wrong and he needs to be forgiven...EVEN IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE OR ASK FOR FORGIVENESS! You can forgive without ever being approach of the wrongs that have been done unto you. Your husband's umbilical cord has not been severed from his family. To allow his family to dictate his and your wedding is absolutely incredulous and an encroachment on your future life together (as you have already seen the results). My dear lady, I am sorry, but that 10th anniversary dreamed of wedding will never arrive for you...that is just the way things work out. I really wish you would have that ideal wedding, but its time to put the past behind you. It is what it is and you are committed to your husband. Stand by the commitment and get rid of the anger and bitterness you harvest.

Yes, your husband has got some serious psychological issues from his mom and dad. Someone wasn't doing their job in raising him the way he should have been raised. Your husband has no respect for women and that is probably because his father shows littler respect towards his wife OR that his mother wears the pants in the relationship. Never the less, your husband needs to put his big boy panties on and man up and lead his family the way a husband/father should (if there are kids involved). Your husband needs to treat you with respect, honor, praise, and love you every chance he can get. Is that not what you crave most? Is that not what any wife crave? You both need to be communicating ALL THE TIME!! I don't care if he chooses to shutter, shrink back, cower, or recoil...MAN UP!!!

Of course, he doesn't get to read this, so you are stuck having to try to beat a dead horse. But this dead horse is not going to come back to life through your bitterness and resentment! Keep that in mind. Respect and love your husband my dear lady!


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