# When your wife complain all day



## joshbjoshb

First, by way of introduction, when you are a recovering nice guy who learns not to let your wife step on you, yo might discover that your wife isn't the most positive lady in the world, sometimes a person with a lot of negativity. This has nothing to do with you. You are no in charge of her, and it's not your job to fix her. Anyways.

My wife used to do it all the time, but with me learning how not to be stepped on it's becoming less and less: long sessions of complains of what's not good with me, how everything that goes wrong on planet earth is basically my fault. I used to try and show her that I am not perfect, but not everything is my fault, etc.

But last night, after another one of "you and you and you", and when asking her point blank do you think that it's all my fault, the response was "no, of course I know it's both of us, but YOU and if only YOU will learn how to do it the way I want it" etc., I told her just simply that I am not going to change a thing in my life for her, unless she is going to do the same, and by no mean I am going to work on things on our marriage unless she is part of it, and till then she can stop complaining because it's pointless.


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## deejov

the problem with constant complaining is you stop listening to the message, and if the message is crucial (like how to meet her needs) moving forward is difficult. 

Sometimes writing down what your needs are and having more focused conversations is more productive. You each get a "turn" talking about what you need, and provide examples of 'how' you can accomplish that. Kinda like turn the tables on her. The gist is that after awhile, if she sees it in writing, she might see if it's petty or just complaining to avoid dealing with her own behavior \ taking responsibility for her part in the relationship.

I get complaining a LOT. It does become a habit. 

It takes practice, but you can "control" those complaining sessions a little bit. Acknowledge what she has said, even write it down. Address it. Then firmly say you would like to talk about your needs. And do so. 

but good on you if you are learning not to be a doormat.


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## Mistys dad

You need to learn to disconnect from her moods.

Her complaint session is not your issue. If she has a legitimate concern, than she can bring it up in a productive manner. If not, walk away and go on with what you were doing. Don't let her affect you any more than that.

"Disconnect the emotional hose"

It is against every instinct you have, but it works in two ways.

1) You are no longer dragged down by her pessimism.
2) She understands that it will not work and will have to use a different tactic.


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## joshbjoshb

I know. I should be more in control of my emotions. Sometimes I just want to yell at her.

That's what I just did 

She complained again this morning for something, and said "I do it all the time for you". Well, she prob did it 4 times in the last month - or maybe year!

I got really mad and tole her she is a liar, and I won't let her lie like this. She asked me why I am yelling and I said because I had enough of her blaming me for things I never did.

It feels better now  at least a bit.


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## thunderstruck

joshbjoshb said:


> I know. I should be more in control of my emotions. Sometimes I just want to yell at her.
> 
> That's what I just did


Yes, get control of your emotions. Stop yelling...that's just doing the dance with her. I did that for years with my W, and we'd go round and round. Do this instead a few times...


Unhappy2011 said:


> Tell her to STFU and you will give it to her after she serves you dinner.


Don't yell it. Deliver it with calm confidence. You'll likely get better results vs. yelling at her in a senseless argument.


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## CallaLily

Her complaining behavior sounds like someone who is co-dependent. Its about control. Its likely a learned/ingrained behavior. How was her childhood? Suggest therapy for her, if she wont go you should go. You need to learn some coping/communication skills yourself when you feel you are up against something you don't know how to handle. Yelling isn't the answer. Your reaction can be just as bad if not worse than her actual complaining.


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## Conrad&Janie

Josh,

Just tell her you're not ok with how she speaks to you.


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## joshbjoshb

Are you Conrad? The original?

Well, sometimes it's not that she yells or anything, just complains, nags... I told her that if she wants me to change anything she should talk nicely, and if not she can forget about it.


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## trey69

Maybe she just wants to be heard. I think thats typical behavior in someone who never got their emotional needs met as a child. Parents not listening etc. I'm not sure what kind of childhood she had, just sayin' maybe thats a possible reason.


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## Jamison

joshbjoshb said:


> I told her just simply that I am not going to change a thing in my life for her, unless she is going to do the same, and by no mean I am going to work on things on our marriage unless she is part of it, and till then she can stop complaining because it's pointless.


This is not a good attitude. You are basically saying you wont do anything to help save your marriage unless she changes. 

YOU have to change yourself, just as she does. BUT you can't not at least try to change some things within yourself just because she doesn't. If you don't change some things within yourself, its a sure fire way this will always remain the same. 

It comes across as she is the whole problem and the only one who needs to change, and I doubt that.


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## YinPrincess

I never realized how much *I* complained until my husband pointed it out. The truth hurts, but I was able to curb some of the meaningless babble, (which I had no idea stressed him out so much).

One thing I did on my own was to start tracking how many complaints I made in a day... I can't even tell you how many I wrote before I gave up. 

There were also a lot of things that I was saying that my husband PERCIEVED to be complaints... Such as, I would share with him a dream or goal I had, and in his mind it would translate to: "you don't work enough/don't earn enough/you're not good enough" so make sure what you're calling a "complaint" is actually a complaint.

And yes, she probably just wants to be heard and acknowledged. You don't need to fix her. Just listen and say things like, "I understand." Goes a long way, trust me! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## YinPrincess

Mistys dad said:


> 2) She understands that it will not work and will have to use a different tactic.


I agree with this - and you can help her by telling her EXACTLY what she can do or how she can approach you in order for YOU to be receptive when she does have a legitimate complaint. 

Just saying she complains too much is every bit as pointless as her complaining. 

You have to tell her in what ways she can get a productive response from you, and YOU have to back it up and actually listen and address what she says.

My husband never did this and it was an irritating process of trial and error to get him to listen and not just shut off when I had a concern to talk about.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ScarletBegonias

I'm a reformed complainer.It was because nothing changed even after having adult conversations about the issues.It got to where I was so frustrated with it that I just resorted to complaining and nagging.

In my current relationship I don't complain, i discuss 

Lots of "I" statements... "I feel this when that happens..." no "You" statements..."well you did this and made me feel like this."

lots of "we" statements too.

Take the emotion out of it,state your issues in a mature way without insults,passive aggression,sarcasm or any of the other negative things that put people on the defense and mark you as a complainer. 

It IS possible to resolve issues without complaining and whining like a little b**ch. 


OH and please please please don't do the beforehand sentence, "we need to talk." It's so threatening and has such a negative vibe. Plus it sets the other person up for an anxiety attack about OMG wtf did i do now?


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## donny64

thunderstruck said:


> Yes, get control of your emotions. Stop yelling...that's just doing the dance with her. I did that for years with my W, and we'd go round and round. Do this instead a few times...
> 
> Don't yell it. Deliver it with calm confidence. You'll likely get better results vs. yelling at her in a senseless argument.


Exactly. Now, I have yelled at my W once since we met. And I regret it. Not for the message that was delivered, but that I showed, for a moment, I was not in control of myself or my emotions. Not very attractive.

She came out of a marriage where there was a lot of drama, yelling, name calling, etc. From day one, whenever I had a problem with her I would just stop what I was doing, stand back and look at her while she went on about her *****!ng, ranting, snarkiness, or whatnot. She'd finally notice I was just standing there, and she'd say "What?". I'd respond calmly that "you can get out of marriage mode at any time now, because I'm not putting up with it." Or "let me know when you're ready to stop taking your bad day out on me and we can pick this up then". Somehting along those lines.

Works like a charm. She knows when I'm ticked without ever having to raise my voice, and she knows I mean it. And she corrects her behavior, or we talk about the issue and work it out. She always tells me she loves this "new way of life" and that her whole life just feels so "calm" and "stable" with me. Outside of the bedroom at least! :rofl:


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## Conrad&Janie

joshbjoshb said:


> Are you Conrad? The original?
> 
> Well, sometimes it's not that she yells or anything, just complains, nags... I told her that if she wants me to change anything she should talk nicely, and if not she can forget about it.


Josh,

It's me.

Janie (my wife) and I share an account now.

Emotionless. I'm not ok with that.

If it gets abusive, just walk away.

We went through exactly this. We were abusive with each other. Both blameshifting and angry.

She needs you to stand up to her - in full control of yourself.


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## Runs like Dog

Some people are a bottomless well of venting. They vent to vent and they complain because it gives them the energy to complain some more.


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## joshbjoshb

So today, after this post, I had a crazy day. She upped her complaining into yelling, blaming me for everything etc. Thank to you guys I was much more calmed, and didn't really yell back.

In the evening she came to say that she knows she spoke not nice, but it's because when she start complaining I right away feel attacked and attack back and so it makes her attack even more.

LOL. Nice apology, won't you think? Just so you get the picture, she was yelling like a nutcase, saying how everything in every area is my fault, etc etc. I was just looking at her and responding very calmly. But she managed to apologize while blaming me too 

I am smiling because I fell so much better now. I went out, I had a great time with some friends and came home. She was a different person, ready to connect, chat etc. I wasn't really in the mood but sat with her nevertheless. Just disconnected, talking but not really caring for what she or I say. It's not how a marriage supposed to be. You are not supposed to feel like you have a little child as your wife.

O I wish she would one day realize how messed up emotionally she is and seek help.

But hey! She can be what she wants. I am a happy, smart and great person I can be. Good reason to be proud and to smile, right?!?!?!?


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## Conrad&Janie

joshbjoshb said:


> So today, after this post, I had a crazy day. She upped her complaining into yelling, blaming me for everything etc. Thank to you guys I was much more calmed, and didn't really yell back.
> 
> In the evening she came to say that she knows she spoke not nice, but it's because when she start complaining I right away feel attacked and attack back and so it makes her attack even more.
> 
> LOL. Nice apology, won't you think? Just so you get the picture, she was yelling like a nutcase, saying how everything in every area is my fault, etc etc. I was just looking at her and responding very calmly. But she managed to apologize while blaming me too
> 
> I am smiling because I fell so much better now. I went out, I had a great time with some friends and came home. She was a different person, ready to connect, chat etc. I wasn't really in the mood but sat with her nevertheless. Just disconnected, talking but not really caring for what she or I say. It's not how a marriage supposed to be. You are not supposed to feel like you have a little child as your wife.
> 
> O I wish she would one day realize how messed up emotionally she is and seek help.
> 
> But hey! She can be what she wants. I am a happy, smart and great person I can be. Good reason to be proud and to smile, right?!?!?!?


Josh,

You're getting there.

Have you read RDJ's body of work here?


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## tennisstar

When I start complaining a lot, it is because I feel my husband isn't hearing me. Sometimes he will say, you keep complaining about the same thing. Yeah, I am. Because you aren't doing anything about what I'm complaining about.

Not sure of this is the case here, but make sure your wife isn't complaining because you aren't getting her message.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Runs like Dog

Yes you're right I'm not listening. You shout me down and immediately correct everything I say and do. That's if you bother to listen long enough to not ignore me. 

There's a wall, bang your head on it.


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## His_Pixie

That kinda drives me crazy. My mother very carefully taught me not to nag my husband, not to complain to him, but rather how to phrase questions to ask for his help (if indeed that is what you're looking for). I've never nagged or screamed at the husband for not doing what I thought he should do. My Ex labeled that as a fault of mine, by the way.

Sometimes a woman just wants to hear "there, there, poor baby!" But if she's accusing YOU of being the cause of all that is wrong with the world, then....well...I think there's more to the story. Whether she's desperately unhappy with herself, or she envisions a life separate from you...but something more than just what she's saying.


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## bkaydezz

verbally abusive...


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## joshbjoshb

His_Pixie said:


> That kinda drives me crazy. My mother very carefully taught me not to nag my husband, not to complain to him, but rather how to phrase questions to ask for his help (if indeed that is what you're looking for). I've never nagged or screamed at the husband for not doing what I thought he should do. My Ex labeled that as a fault of mine, by the way.
> 
> Sometimes a woman just wants to hear "there, there, poor baby!" But if she's accusing YOU of being the cause of all that is wrong with the world, then....well...I think there's more to the story. Whether she's desperately unhappy with herself, or she envisions a life separate from you...but something more than just what she's saying.


I do agree with what you say. Lately, whenever she start with those complaining sessions, I tell her that she has issues and have to deal with them, and stop dumping them on me.

She has a major insecurity. I think she is petrified to be left alone. I further think that her saying yes to me was based on that fear as well, which doesn't make me feel loved in an inch. To know that she wants you because she is afraid to be alone. Nice feeling, ah? But for all of the above she needs to seek help, and first admit that she has issues. Which she refuses to.

It used to be much worse, though, so maybe we are going to get there one day.


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## Runs like Dog

I've never understood how, when a woman turns into a stereotype harpy that she's actually more bitter and angry that it's not appreciated. I don't get that. I think it shows a fundamental lack of understanding about other people and their feelings in general. An almost pathological disconnection from the lives of others.


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## DTO

tennisstar said:


> Not sure of this is the case here, but make sure your wife isn't complaining because you aren't getting her message.


Completely agree.

But, understand that getting her message is not the same as giving her the outcome she wants. Sometimes people (like my ex-wife) will assert that if they don't get their way, then you were not _really_ listening. The underlying rationale IMO is the same - the complainer feels they are entitled to a certain object or condition that he or she does not current possess.

To avoid that situation, I suggest using "reflective listening" followed by a clear statement that you disagree or need to consider her position closer, and why you feel that way. It does not guarantee that you will be free of conflict, but it does remove communication as one of the variables.

For example, my ex kept complaining she was too busy, did not get enough recognition, etc. At one point, I restrained myself from arguing and tried a different approach. I acknowledged her complaints but countered that the marriage was unbalanced and the benefits and duties should be allocated more equally. I was able to dig through to the underlying issue.

It bears repeating that clarifying the issue does not mean resolution is easier (or possible at all). My ex, for instance, responded that as the woman she was entitled to get her way. I was supposed to sacrifice for her; we were not supposed to sacrifice for each other. But at least we were able to dig through the argument and disrespect to have at least a chance of working through the issues. Without ending the arguing we would not have even had that opportunity.


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## DTO

Runs like Dog said:


> I've never understood how, when a woman turns into a stereotype harpy that she's actually more bitter and angry that it's not appreciated. I don't get that. I think it shows a fundamental lack of understanding about other people and their feelings in general. An almost pathological disconnection from the lives of others.


That's what I'm getting at. You need to avoid the assumptions and complaining and understand each individual's goals and ideals for the relationship. From that point, you need to make enough commonality to move forward together. Arguing "why someone is that way" IMO generally neither matters nor helps.

It did not matter why my ex felt she deserved more than me. It could have been from watching her parents, laziness, or simply that she did not like me much and that's what it took for her to stick around. I could have argued about fairness and equality until I was blue in the face, but unless she bought in it was pointless. All that mattered was whether she was going to close that expectation gap enough to make a workable marriage.


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## DTO

PinkBeret said:


> She will also be grateful for you becoming a man. Women that are controlling like her are not very happy -- they need a man to shut them up and tell them what they're doing wrong and when.


Umm, maybe not.

I've heard the argument that women are, as a rule, naturally inclined to follow rather than lead. I think that rule has some merit as we certainly see on TAM.

But, there are lots of women who want servile, weak husbands whom they can order around and intimidate. I don't think that phenomenon as some folks who read, say, No More Mr. Nice Guy would have you believe.


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## YinPrincess

There's often, if not always, an underlying issue for that. What, exactly, depends on their own circumstances.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DTO

YinPrincess said:


> There's often, if not always, an underlying issue for that. What, exactly, depends on their own circumstances.


That was to me? There is an underlying reason a woman would want a weak, servile husband? Not necessarily - some people just want to have their way and be comfortable with minimum effort.


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## YinPrincess

That goes both ways - male and female.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## joshbjoshb

DTO said:


> Umm, maybe not.
> 
> I've heard the argument that women are, as a rule, naturally inclined to follow rather than lead. I think that rule has some merit as we certainly see on TAM.
> 
> But, there are lots of women who want servile, weak husbands whom they can order around and intimidate. I don't think that phenomenon as some folks who read, say, No More Mr. Nice Guy would have you believe.


Yes yes yes! I was sure that me "manning up" is going to be the magic pill. It seems that my wife has issues, and her treating me the way she did and does isn't only because of me being a "nice guy" (although stopping the nice guy mentality was really helpful), but also because she has major issues of not trusting, and constantly judging me.

That I can't help.


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## RandomDude

Handling difficult/rude customer compliants - as a business owner I have to deal with it all the time. It's very similar principles when dealing with your wife; You must ensure control of the situation, do not aggravate it with aggression, but do not back down either.

Some women can be more stubborn then others however... -.-
*checks over shoulder*


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## joshbjoshb

This forum has given me so much support. Really thankful for all of you who answer me.

So last night we had a conversation about some project we are doing together. As always, she accuses me of being so strong and opinionated, but guess what - whenever I mention an idea I have or a suggestion, she attacks me as if my suggestion is the worst thing in the world.

So when the conversation started turning in that direction, I simply told her I am not interested to talk if she can't talk logical but gets her emotions involved, and that if she doesn't respect my suggestions I have no intention in discussing that with her, and that those conversations days are over for me.

She really didn't like that turn of the story but had no choice. Not that she got more logical past that (I don't know if she can!) but at least I didn't let her treat me like crap.

Last night I felt sick. Still do. Mrs. self centered didn't really ask how I was doing this morning. Not now, but soon enough I am going to talk to her about my emotional needs - one of them is to feel cared for.

Good weekend everyone!


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## thunderstruck

joshbjoshb said:


> I was sure that me "manning up" is going to be the magic pill. It seems that my wife has issues, and her treating me the way she did and does isn't only because of me being a "nice guy" (although stopping the nice guy mentality was really helpful), but also because she has major issues of not trusting, and constantly judging me.
> 
> That I can't help.


I can relate. I handle her complaining with several methods. I'll usually just try to hear her out, and really listen for the little nuggets of truth buried in her rants/vents. Also, I may discover what is actually bothering her. Sometimes, when she's going on and on, and repeating the same lines, I'll move it to s*x. I'll just smile, tell her, "I think you want my attention." and then turn off the light or motion for her to come over. She then either calls me an a-hole and runs out of the room, or she climbs in bed.:smthumbup:


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## joshbjoshb

thunderstruck said:


> I can relate. I handle her complaining with several methods. I'll usually just try to hear her out, and really listen for the little nuggets of truth buried in her rants/vents. Also, I may discover what is actually bothering her. Sometimes, when she's going on and on, and repeating the same lines, I'll move it to s*x. I'll just smile, tell her, "I think you want my attention." and then turn off the light or motion for her to come over. She then either calls me an a-hole and runs out of the room, or she climbs in bed.:smthumbup:



Lol. You are very funny.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thunderstruck

joshbjoshb said:


> Lol. You are very funny.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thanks, but give it a shot yourself. I wouldn't have dreamed of talking like that to my W a few years ago. Eff it. I think it's good now and then to show her that you can still be a c*cky mofo. 

Best part is...it sometimes works, and then you get to play.


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## Catherine602

Rivers said:


> I'm a newlywed man myself, and my God, my wife's favorite topic of conversation (at me) is complaining about her day. The problem with that is she calls me while I'm on the clock at work which means I can only listen on the most minimum level. Now when she complains about how I don't listen to her, guess what? I've been trained not to listen. We had a humongous blow up today about it and I've now suggested we go speak to a professional about communication. We'll see what she says about that when I get home. One thing I can’t understand about some women is why they believe they have a God given right to complain about their day everyday, and that we must listen intently while keeping our mouths shut all of the time. Something about that thought process really disturbs and angers me. The fight we had today was bad enough for me to reassess my very decision to marry this person. So I think counseling is in order to get some things worked out.


You should or maybe she should. Why did you marry her if you did not understand some woman? "One thing I can’t understand about some women is why they believe they have a God given right to complain about their day everyday, and that we must listen intently while keeping our mouths shut all of the time." This is a serious thing to think. Have you shared it with your wife?

There are plenty of woman aho don't say a word when they know a man ia not interested, why didn't yoiu pick one of them. Think before you continue whit the relationship. A mortgage, a few children and time may make it difficult to dump the wife and find woman who won't tell you anything. She may be less inclined to listen to you as well.


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## beatup

joshbjoshb said:


> So today, after this post, I had a crazy day. She upped her complaining into yelling, blaming me for everything etc. Thank to you guys I was much more calmed, and didn't really yell back.
> 
> In the evening she came to say that she knows she spoke not nice, but it's because when she start complaining I right away feel attacked and attack back and so it makes her attack even more.
> 
> LOL. Nice apology, won't you think? Just so you get the picture, she was yelling like a nutcase, saying how everything in every area is my fault, etc etc. I was just looking at her and responding very calmly. But she managed to apologize while blaming me too  . . .
> 
> I am smiling because I fell so much better now. I went out, I had a great time with some friends and came home. She was a different person, ready to connect, chat etc. I wasn't really in the mood but sat with her nevertheless. Just disconnected, talking but not really caring for what she or I say. It's not how a marriage supposed to be. You are not supposed to feel like you have a little child as your wife.
> 
> O I wish she would one day realize how messed up emotionally she is and seek help.
> 
> But hey! She can be what she wants. I am a happy, smart and great person I can be. Good reason to be proud and to smile, right?!?!?!?


Josh, you must be married to my wife's long lost twin. ;-)


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## naiveonedave

JMO - I wouldn't discuss your emotional needs. That makes your tough stance look weak.


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## Forest

OK, it happened again today.

A broken pie crust was found in the freezer.

Is there ever a situation where a man is not to blame for this? Something like, "if a pie crust breaks in a freezer at a nunnery, is a man still to blame?"

Before you get too excited, its a gluten free crust.


As far as the complaining issue: While still newlyweds, we'd often take walks in the evening. After a few weeks, I told her I'd like to see if we could complete the walk without the term "I hate" coming up. I asked as diplomatically as possible, but she hated the idea.


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## michzz

Forest said:


> Is there ever a situation where a man is not to blame for this? Something like, *"if a pie crust breaks in a freezer at a nunnery, is a man still to blame*?"
> 
> Before you get too excited, its a gluten free crust.


Of course he is!


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