# pls... URGENT ADVICE NEEDED!



## pinky2129 (Sep 26, 2011)

Hello TAM members,
I had posted here before but I didn't get any answer... I have been lurking here for over three months trying to relate my issues with some problems... But I don't get any related solutions...

Short summary... I have been married for 3 n hlf years... Have a 26 month daughter... Have known my hubby for 5 yrs... Now I used to have doubts about him after my daughter got born... He started changin all of the bad... He would be concerned of her but not of me... I used to be suspicious all the time... Because all of the sudden all the love u's went away... Would get irritated if I asked for sex.. Or would even try to kiss him...

Fast forward today... I got a girl jeans from his wardrobe... I don't know what to do... How should I ask him...btw m a SAHM mom... He's work is 9-6 sumtyms even late... Plssss advice...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I don't understand what you mean by "I got a girl jeans from his wardrobe". Do you mean that you found the jeans belonging to another woman in his wardrobe (or closet)?

Don't ask him just yet about the jeans. You need to find out more about what he's up to.

Does he use his computer often? Does he have a cell phone? If he's cheating, could he be using those to contact anohter woman?


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## pinky2129 (Sep 26, 2011)

Elegirl- thanks for your reply... Yes I meant that I found another woman's jeans in his closet.. He is tech person... He uses his blackberry a lot but I have access to his mails... I don't see anything there... Sometimes he gets calls and goes out.. When asked he says some important client and that I don need to know his work related and starts getin angry... He is always on computer at work... And one more thing I found some online dating sites on his mail... He says they are spam... And some are just pop ups when he goes to some sites... I stay at home and I just don't knw how to confront him... He gets angry and actually starts getin rude to me...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I read your other post, the first one you made a long time ago saying that he will not give you money for the things you need, that he hangs out with single men all the time but you don't get to do anything.

Your husband is not treating you well at all. He does not seem to hold much respect for you and what you do as a SAHM.

At this point it's important for you to realize that the only person you can change is yourself. So you need to focus on yourself and what you need to get the life you desire.

Were I you, the first thing I would do is to get a job. If you don't have work skills you need to get into school to get some skills or a higher education.

Start doing things for yourself. Your husband can watch your child some. He's going to have to do things around the house as well. After all if you have to support yourself and get a life for yourself he's going to have to live up to his responsibilities...

And if it comes to this... a divorce... he will have to pay child support and purhaps even spousal support depending on where you live. 

Your behavior seems to be that of a woman who sees herself as a victim. As long as you act like a victim he will walk all over you. You have rights. Start acting like the queen of your marriage and household. 

Is there someplace near you where you can get individual counseling.. perhaps an abused woman's facility? You really need some help in learning how to claim your rights, how to be assertive and how to move on with your life. If your husband choses to join you in this personal growth at some point he will be a smart man. If he does not... you will be free to find yourself a real man who knows how to love a woman.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

pinky2129 said:


> Elegirl- thanks for your reply... Yes I meant that I found another woman's jeans in his closet.. He is tech person... He uses his blackberry a lot but I have access to his mails... I don't see anything there... Sometimes he gets calls and goes out.. When asked he says some important client and that I don need to know his work related and starts getin angry... He is always on computer at work... And one more thing I found some online dating sites on his mail... He says they are spam... And some are just pop ups when he goes to some sites... I stay at home and I just don't knw how to confront him... He gets angry and actually starts getin rude to me...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Could you install a keystroke tracker on his home computer? That way you can see what he is really doing. The dating things might be spam, or they might not. 

Do you have access to his cell phone bills? You could check it for things like phone numbers that call him or he calls. Find out whose numbers they are.

Does he get a lot of texts? Who is he getting them from?

He could be deleting texts as they come in, so you might never see any from another woman.

Keep an eye on his things right now. Search his pockets, notes he has in his desk. Search his trash.. i've found a lot of things in the trash in the past.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Let's talk about what you can do to change yourself....

You need to get out more. How can you do this? Who could watch your child for you? 

What sort of jobs could you get right now? Or do you need to go to school first?

What do you want to do with the rest of your life.

Right now he does not find you interesting.. get busy, become mysterious.... this will get his attention.


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## pinky2129 (Sep 26, 2011)

No.. I have been searching for marriage counselling in my country.. But I don't get any... I have tried to talk to him every chance I get... He acts like am crazy and am imagining things... Yes I know my self esteem has gone too low... Have tried to leave the kid with him but he refuses me to go out without her sayin he can't take of her alone and he gets tired working all the time... Have tryin showing how other couples work on marriages despite having more children... I want to work but he said the day I work will b the last day to be in this house and his daughter. I just can't understnd... Sumtyms feel to commit suicide to end just a trapped life...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Why does he think that he has the right to tell you not to work?

In your country, can he kick you out of your house and take your child away from you? Surely you have legal rights? Perhaps your first trip should be to a lawyer to find out what your lega rights are.

Here where I live no one can kick their spouse out of the marital home. Neither parent can keep a child away from the other parent legally. And no husband has the right to tell his wife that she cannot work.

Would you mind sharing what country you live in so I can better understand your situation?


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## pinky2129 (Sep 26, 2011)

I have PM you... Please read.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## pinky2129 (Sep 26, 2011)

I don't have access to phone bills but will surely try to talk to the phone operating company if I can have access to then since we use prepaid phones..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Someone82 (Apr 12, 2012)

pinky2129 said:


> Elegirl- thanks for your reply... Yes I meant that I found another woman's jeans in his closet.. He is tech person... He uses his blackberry a lot but I have access to his mails... I don't see anything there... Sometimes he gets calls and goes out.. When asked he says some important client and that I don need to know his work related and starts getin angry... He is always on computer at work... And one more thing I found some online dating sites on his mail... He says they are spam... And some are just pop ups when he goes to some sites... I stay at home and I just don't knw how to confront him... He gets angry and actually starts getin rude to me...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


For what I understood, he's misusing your economical dependance on him and starting to act like he wants without thinking about you. Dating sites as spams? Hmm, not likely... I have been using internet and have email for more than 8 years and never got one, I only got spam after going to porn sites without thinking about consequences. Spams are usually just deleted, not left to hand out in mail. Be careful with him and what your moves are you going to take. The more depend you on him, more "power" he will see. You should get yourself on feet and show some dominance and independence. My brother was acting like that. You have to make "red line" which you will not allow him to cross.


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## pinky2129 (Sep 26, 2011)

Someone82 said:


> For what I understood, he's misusing your economical dependance on him and starting to act like he wants without thinking about you. Dating sites as spams? Hmm, not likely... I have been using internet and have email for more than 8 years and never got one, I only got spam after going to porn sites without thinking about consequences. Spams are usually just deleted, not left to hand out in mail. Be careful with him and what your moves are you going to take. The more depend you on him, more "power" he will see. You should get yourself on feet and show some dominance and independence. My brother was acting like that. You have to make "red line" which you will not allow him to cross.


Thanks for your reply... That's the exact thing I was telling him that how come I don't get any pop ups and emails... He gets from adultfinder.com.(A dating site), pornhub.com.. I have even shown him when he went to check on baby and I saw it open... He said it just pops up.. I have seen many other sites. I have not seen him as a porn addict. I have even told him that I really miss his attention and affection on me.. He says m imagining things.. But I don't see myslf wrong.. I even told him that I like the attention I like when other guys hit on me when we Go out.. I feel good... I said that to trigger him atleast to notice... But I failed...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## eowyn (Mar 22, 2012)

pinky2129, Few questions for you ...

- Was he good to you before your daughter was born?
- Has he ever physically hurt you?
- Were you dating before you got married or was your marriage arranged?
- What kind of a family background does he come from? Looks like he comes from a place where women (and especially women who don't work) are not respected. If you don't mind sharing where you are from that would help.
- Do you have any close friends around?
- Would you have the support of your family/parents just in case?
- Were you working before marriage? Do you have a degree?


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## pinky2129 (Sep 26, 2011)

eowyn said:


> pinky2129, Few questions for you ...
> 
> - Was he good to you before your daughter was born?
> - Has he ever physically hurt you?
> ...


Heyy, 
Yes he was really good to me when we didn't get our daughter, I was working to support myself because he use to give me less money that if I buy household stuff nothing remains to me. 

We were dating for two years and then got married. Yes his mother doesn't work too. And she gives him head and when he hit me once and I called her that m leaving home.. She came and said I should learn to let go such stuff.. It happens. I understood this woman gives head to the son. 
Yes I have made friends since m from another country, but he doesn't let me go out with them, starts fightin with me and just creates a mess that I end up in tears.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## luvmydarling (Jul 1, 2010)

Pinky, I think I know which part of the world you are coming from. Sorry to hear of your situation. I know that sometimes, in that country, we women have NO rights. And that is a horrible feeling. The society is a patriarchial one.

I wanted to ask you - you said you were working before your daughter was born? Why don't you continue the job now? If your husband does not like, who cares? May be, he is concerned about the daughter's welfare, which is understandable but she is almost 2 years old now and you can definitely leave her in day-care.

Can you get legal support somehow? that way you can confidently go out and start searching for jobs. Remember, this is your home as much as it is your husband's. He is only taking advantage of the situation. I don't think this is because you a SAHM. Some men act crazy, no matter what.


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## ronie (Apr 11, 2012)

Pinky,
read your story and understand that you have active relationship with your husband before and after marriage but after you got a child he is trying to avoid you.. spare sometime to find out his activities..
I am sure you are giving him whatever he need in sex so that he is not having any complaints of being deprived sexually.
If a man is happy in bed his day is bright and active and would want to return home on time.
Be frank try to discuss with him and try to assume that you are a husband and he is a wife .. see how would he react on that.
Sometimes men have to be in the position of women so he will understand better.

RONIE


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## pinky2129 (Sep 26, 2011)

Thanks for your replies... Yes I have in deed discussed with him a million times and have even asked him to tell me if there is anythng wrong we can always discuss... But as soon as I discuss about "US" as a couple he becomes silent mode... Wouldn't say anythng at all and will act like m talkin bull****. I find that too insulting.

Going to the sex part, he hardly initiates sex. I have to beg him for that. Some times he says do this for me and we will have sex. I find that too cheap!! And I am always available to him when he needs it, but when I want him, he sleeps far, watches tv and doesn't want to get distracted, will push me away if I want to kiss him.. I get so disapointed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## pinky2129 (Sep 26, 2011)

Yes... He never goes in the kitchen because he doesn't even know how to cook anythng.. Not even a cup of tea. When he comes home he gets hot food. He gets everythng that he wants on the table. Even for my baby m the one who does everythng, sometimes he makes her bath but says "oh I made her bath so you make her wear clothes" so I feel like let me just do it... He gets angry at petty issues even if u try laughin with him( I don't even remember having a nice laugh with him), he takes me out for movie once in a while when he's favorite movie is out and he wil say don cuddle me I want to watch movie without getting disturbed. 

He took me out for dinner on our anni and whole time he was on the phone sorting out his appts and work... Infact was organizing a trip for his boss cousin(guy) to go. I was left hanging there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

pinky2129 said:


> Sometimes he gets calls and goes out.. When asked he says some important client and that I don need to know his work related and starts getin angry... He is always on computer at work... And one more thing I found some online dating sites on his mail... He says they are spam.


Big Red Flags. You need to do a little investigating to see if he has secret accounts that you don't know about or if he is talking to the Other Woman when you are not around. Getting angry is a way of pushing you away from being suspicious.

He's being controlling. He's not taking your feelings or concerns seriously. He's possibly cheating on you. And, you need to strengthen yourself a little so that you don't get walked all over. Beg him for attention and he will do the exact opposite. Look up the "180" and do that!


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

pinky2129 said:


> understood this woman gives head to the son.


This expression "gives him head" does not mean what you think it means. You mean to say that she is inflating his ego. Don't use the other term, unless you're referring to a sex act, which I doubt you are. I'm not picking on you, just letting you know so you don't accidentally say in a context that will get you into a weird situation.

Don't rely on support from the in-laws. Start making moves to protect yourself. Make some friends, see if you can make some connections and regain control of your own self and life.


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## eowyn (Mar 22, 2012)

pinky2129 said:


> Heyy,
> Yes he was really good to me when we didn't get our daughter, I was working to support myself because he use to give me less money that if I buy household stuff nothing remains to me.
> 
> We were dating for two years and then got married. Yes his mother doesn't work too. And she gives him head and when he hit me once and I called her that m leaving home.. She came and said I should learn to let go such stuff.. It happens. I understood this woman gives head to the son.
> ...


What about your family? Do you have them close by? Are they supportive? From what I read so far, looks like your husband trying to control you and doesn't treat you with respect or care. That is not good. Not sure if he is just taking you for granted or if there is another woman. For starters I would strongly advice:

(1) Do not cry or beg in front of him or appear weak in any way: There might be some people who would melt seeing the tears of their wife, but your husband doesn't seem to be one of them; at least not at this point. The weaker you portray yourself in front of him the stronger he will think he is and will be tempted to treat you like crap. Try to find the strength within you, remember some challenging things you might have done in the past, obstacle you have overcome etc and make yourself stable, confident and emotionally independent. 

(2) Reduce your expectations from him till things improve or get worse. That way you will not be disappointed or emotional. 

(3) As others mention keep an eye on him. Something doesn't seem right here. What triggered him to radically change his behavior? 

(4) Try to make yourself independent so that you would be in a position to consider options if required. 

(5) Try to engage yourself in some hobby, books or something in your free time. Empty mind is a devil's mind and you will keep thinking about this 24/7 and in the process would react likewise. Just be distant, calm, composed and strong in front of your husband. Just in case he is taking you for granted he needs to know he shouldn't be. No need to fight or invoke conflicts.. just be cool, and do not be disturbed by his actions. Remember nobody can insult you, hurt you or demean you without your permission.


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## pinky2129 (Sep 26, 2011)

moxy said:


> Big Red Flags. You need to do a little investigating to see if he has secret accounts that you don't know about or if he is talking to the Other Woman when you are not around. Getting angry is a way of pushing you away from being suspicious.
> 
> He's being controlling. He's not taking your feelings or concerns seriously. He's possibly cheating on you. And, you need to strengthen yourself a little so that you don't get walked all over. Beg him for attention and he will do the exact opposite. Look up the "180" and do that!


Thanks for your input... Yes I kept cryin to him begging pleading. But nothing worked, he would see me cry and just go to sleep and that hurt more. Yes tried so many times to do 180 but I can't keep up to it maybe because I have a daughter or I can't just carry on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## pinky2129 (Sep 26, 2011)

moxy said:


> This expression "gives him head" does not mean what you think it means. You mean to say that she is inflating his ego. Don't use the other term, unless you're referring to a sex act, which I doubt you are. I'm not picking on you, just letting you know so you don't accidentally say in a context that will get you into a weird situation.
> 
> Don't rely on support from the in-laws. Start making moves to protect yourself. Make some friends, see if you can make some connections and regain control of your own self and life.


Thanks for the correction, yes I meant inflating his ego and not the other one... Ofcourse I have realised that my in laws no matter what would stand by their even though he's wrong.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## pinky2129 (Sep 26, 2011)

eowyn said:


> What about your family? Do you have them close by? Are they supportive? From what I read so far, looks like your husband trying to control you and doesn't treat you with respect or care. That is not good. Not sure if he is just taking you for granted or if there is another woman. For starters I would strongly advice:
> 
> (1) Do not cry or beg in front of him or appear weak in any way: There might be some people who would melt seeing the tears of their wife, but your husband doesn't seem to be one of them; at least not at this point. The weaker you portray yourself in front of him the stronger he will think he is and will be tempted to treat you like crap. Try to find the strength within you, remember some challenging things you might have done in the past, obstacle you have overcome etc and make yourself stable, confident and emotionally independent.
> 
> ...


Thanks for your input. Yes I have a family that supports me. They tried helpin me in the past and all they got was insults from my husband. He just tells them off so I feel I shouldn't involve them in anythng because I fear it hurts their self respect by getin insult from a person who they treated like their own son.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## eowyn (Mar 22, 2012)

Good to know that you have a supportive family and a wonderful daughter. I think that is something you can focus on to keep yourself calm. 

With your qualifications do you think you should be able to find a good job if required? Prepare yourself to stand up on your own two feet. You don't need to stand up just yet. Think about any certification etc that you can study for. 

I would again emphasize "building up your self confidence and your self esteem" is the number one thing!! 

One of the things you can keep in mind (and maybe you can take this with a grain of salt) - In some cases when you might typically ASK him, see if you can replace it with trying to TELL him (e.g. if you have some certification in mind that you want to prepare for... by default you might say "Can I prepare for this certification".... instead say "I am thinking about preparing for this certification".. say it with confidence and calm mind) 

The example I mention is vague but basically what I mean is do not act or react as if you are dependent on him emotionally, financially or in any way... and definitely no with begging and crying!!

Do you think you can do that? :smcowboy:


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## pinky2129 (Sep 26, 2011)

eowyn said:


> Good to know that you have a supportive family and a wonderful daughter. I think that is something you can focus on to keep yourself calm.
> 
> With your qualifications do you think you should be able to find a good job if required? Prepare yourself to stand up on your own two feet. You don't need to stand up just yet. Think about any certification etc that you can study for.
> 
> ...


Yes I have enough qualification to get a nice job with a fairly pay. I wanted to study further but he doesn't allow me. So I have been trying to learn whatever I want from internet. Before marriage he had promised me to make me study a degree but then he said now he doesn't think its needed :-(
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## eowyn (Mar 22, 2012)

The place where you come from... is it normal to treat women like this? I mean in general the women you have seen around... your mom, aunts, friends etc.


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## pinky2129 (Sep 26, 2011)

No its not normal... He has a sister and she's treated so well by her husband and in laws. I even give him an eg tht if your sister was treated like this then... He keeps quiet... Like I said for evrythng he just shuts up n quiet. Ignores me like m some bull****.
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## eowyn (Mar 22, 2012)

Do you think anything else changed in your marriage after your daughter was born? Something around his workplace, home, did you put on lot of weight (not that it should matter to a good husband, but just trying to see what suddenly caused this)

How was he with you during your pregnancy? Was he caring at that point? How does he treat your daughter? Is he good towards her, does he spend time with her?


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## ronie (Apr 11, 2012)

Pinky,
One truth is that if there is no one around...i mean if there are only one man one woman even a blind woman is the queen.. am not saying u are the one but as a wife u deserve to be a queen provided u meet all his needs or marrying you.
unhappy marriage is a nightmare in every body's life. when we are not happy in bed mean we are our life is sucks.
Therefore ignoring you sound like he got another alternative . i don't know what he would react if u ask him to get a medical advice on his sex behavior.
I do suspect infidelity so you better try to find out what actually is going on. i am not really sure whether your marriage was LOVE or Arrange marriage... if it was the later then this is the result of many.
any way i just wish you can find out the truth about him before taking a next step.

RONIE.
[email protected]


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## pinky2129 (Sep 26, 2011)

ronie said:


> Pinky,
> One truth is that if there is no one around...i mean if there are only one man one woman even a blind woman is the queen.. am not saying u are the one but as a wife u deserve to be a queen provided u meet all his needs or marrying you.
> unhappy marriage is a nightmare in every body's life. when we are not happy in bed mean we are our life is sucks.
> Therefore ignoring you sound like he got another alternative . i don't know what he would react if u ask him to get a medical advice on his sex behavior.
> ...


We had a love marriage.. And sex before our daughter was never a problem we used to have sex three times a week but now if I don't push him he can go to months. Last time we dint do for three months until I ended up getin so frustrated. He does have an erection in the mornin or so. So I don't think its a medical issue. He's fine with my daughter, spends time with her and that's where I feel bad because he comes home and plays with her, eats and watches tv, if distracted m being told he's resting and its not time to talk. He never has time. Comes home talks to my daughter plays with her but wudnt even look at me. Yes I do think he is geting it from outside.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## pinky2129 (Sep 26, 2011)

eowyn said:


> Do you think anything else changed in your marriage after your daughter was born? Something around his workplace, home, did you put on lot of weight (not that it should matter to a good husband, but just trying to see what suddenly caused this)
> 
> How was he with you during your pregnancy? Was he caring at that point? How does he treat your daughter? Is he good towards her, does he spend time with her?


No he stil works at the same place.. He has more responsiblities than before. Yes he ws good while I was pregnant. I have gained a little bit of weight but not so much that would push him away.. The only sad part is that I had a c-section and I had a stretch marks on my stomach.. He says my stomach feels like a jelly :-( it wasn't my fault.. I don't knw hw to react to some of his rude comments.
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## Gratitude (Feb 12, 2012)

pinky2129 said:


> .. He says my stomach feels like a jelly :-( it wasn't my fault.. I don't knw hw to react to some of his rude comments.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


By looking at him with disgust. Tell him you're stomach feels like that because it was busy housing your child. What's his excuse? (this works if they've put on a bit of weight). Seriously, after childbirth, unless you're a celebrity, it's really hard to get back to how you were.

I know looks are important, and upkeeping them. Some wives and husbands do let themselves go and this becomes an issue. But when it's after childbirth, and it's the little bit of extra weight, or skin, or stretch marks (those natural processes that happen) then for husbands to say anything derogatory about it is unnecessary. Does he think you don't notice? A bit of sensitivity is needed. You are not the only one. I hear many, many comments by husbands. Mine, thankfully, never said anything (though he may have thought it). Tell him straight up it's rude, doesn't make you feel sexy and how about trying to say something positive instead.


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## pinky2129 (Sep 26, 2011)

Gratitude said:


> By looking at him with disgust. Tell him you're stomach feels like that because it was busy housing your child. What's his excuse? (this works if they've put on a bit of weight). Seriously, after childbirth, unless you're a celebrity, it's really hard to get back to how you were.
> 
> I know looks are important, and upkeeping them. Some wives and husbands do let themselves go and this becomes an issue. But when it's after childbirth, and it's the little bit of extra weight, or skin, or stretch marks (those natural processes that happen) then for husbands to say anything derogatory about it is unnecessary. Does he think you don't notice? A bit of sensitivity is needed. You are not the only one. I hear many, many comments by husbands. Mine, thankfully, never said anything (though he may have thought it). Tell him straight up it's rude, doesn't make you feel sexy and how about trying to say something positive instead.


That's the whole point... I feel so hurt that I was pregnant with his child and he calls my stomach a jelly... I have lost much of my weight(stress reduced a lot of my weight) and the only part is my tummy that is not flat... I am happy with my looks.. No one has told me that m fat.. Infact people see me and say "OMG r u dieting, u hve lost so much weight" and he sys they just tryin to please u... He just doesn't see me in a nyc way. I have tried a lot for him to look at him. Wear clothes of his taste, cook his favorite meals, do whatever I can but at the end I feel so used and abused. Last time we were in a supermarket, and his boss was there too and his parents.. I was buyin my daughter crisps because she wanted to eat.. He comes and says " stupid girl can't you buy somethng healthy for her" I was like she wants them..
Lucky for me the boss wasn't there at that time but his mum strtd laughing
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Stop doing all that nice stuff, and until his treatment changes, your will continue to follow his way of treating you.

Also look up the 180, these are steps that will help you protect your self from more emotional pain.


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## ronie (Apr 11, 2012)

Pinky,
to what he call about your stomach there is nothing serious about it he might have just joking about it...don't take it seriously.
Now i understand the truth that he is getting from outside, this is the area where treatment is needed.
I know the status of marriage of in your country, even though the husband don't like the wife it would be very tough for them to quit.
Since u have the support of your family, try to track the woman involve in the illegal affairs and see if this could be of some help.
regarding sexual activities i don't think that one can get a better sex from other rather than from his wife. But if he is a kind of person who really don't bother about his personality and what the society will think about him then i don't think he will ever look back.
NOTE ONE IMPORTANT POINT: Since he love his daughter, try to cite some example that how would he like his daughter to be treated by his son in law when she grown up. If he don't like his daughter to be treated in a wrong way then this should start from him.
Regarding his illegal affairs with another women, he can take example from his sisters (if he have one), am sure he will never like his sister to be misguided by another married man.
Let see that he is improving and all the best.
RONIE
[email protected]


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Pinky, I'm going to say straight out that I THINK YOU SHOULD TAKE YOUR DAUGHTER AND LEAVE!

- Your husband has already hit you once and your MIL said you just have to take it and forget it. What would stop him from hitting you again? Or hitting your daugther?

- Your husband is a controlling man. You cannot have a job, you cannot have education, you cannot have money, you cannot have friends, you cannot go out. He is keeping you home, alone, penniless so that you are dependent on him for everything and will have to do what he says.

- When he wants sex, you have to accomodate him. But when YOU want sex, too bad...none for you.

- You have found another's woman's clothes in his closet and dating sites on his computer. Those are pretty clear (though not absolute) signs that he is cheating on you. What if he gives you a disease? 

- He does not want to discuss your marriage or make any changes/improvements to it. Why should he? He is PERFECTLY HAPPY with the way things are. He is running around doing what he wants, whenever he wants, with whomever he wants (single male friends and maybe women) while you are home taking care of the business of life (home and daughter.)

You are not a wife. You are a domestic SERVANT. A slave to whatever HE decides HE wants...and whatever he decides YOU should have. No more, no less.

You say your family is supportive of you. Thank God for that. 

1. Do you think they would be able to help you financially to leave him and go back home to your country where you would be allowed to work and get an education?

2. Do they know that he has hit you?

3. Do they know that you suspect him of cheating?

4. Do they know that he refuses to let you leave the house for anything other than errands (no job, no school, no friends, no time away from daughter?)

In MY opinion, this is not a marriage; this is not a relationship you should want to stay in; this is not something you should try to fix. That is just MY opinion.

If your DAUGHTER called you 25 years from now and told you that THIS is how her life is, what would you tell her to do? You are teaching your daughter how to be a woman and how to be a married woman. Are these the lessons you want her to learn? That she should just accept it if her husband hits her, cheats on her, is selfish and controlling of her and makes all the decisions FOR her?

If you want to stay in this marriage and try to make it work, the other posters seem to be giving you good advice to think about. If you want to get out now before things get worse or your daughter gets very WRONG ideas about being a woman/wife, then let us know on the boards here. There are plenty of people with good ideas (and, unfortunately, experience) in leaving an abusive spouse.


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## ronie (Apr 11, 2012)

Pinky,
I do agree with Slowlygettingwiser
but before taking such step show some one that u care.. give him a chance last and for all let me learn and realized. This happened when one don't have a vision of seeing the future. the proverb say "the people perish because they don't have a vision".
Definitely he cheated on you.. and he have to pay for that, if he take the one last chance of looking back and restored the LOVE this gonna be a HAPPY MARRIAGE LIFE.
It true you don't have to remain a slave, a woman who have been left with no option but u deserve equal right and same respect and be where u suppose to be, be yourself.

RONIE
[email protected]


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## pinky2129 (Sep 26, 2011)

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> Pinky, I'm going to say straight out that I THINK YOU SHOULD TAKE YOUR DAUGHTER AND LEAVE!
> 
> - Your husband has already hit you once and your MIL said you just have to take it and forget it. What would stop him from hitting you again? Or hitting your daugther?
> 
> ...


Yes I don't want my daughter to learn all this. I have started my job hunt. 

I know I am a slave for him but I have moved a step and taken advice of TAM members and started job hunt. Hope to get one soon then wil confront him. 

I really want to leave him but my parents don't agree to divorce. I am thinkin let me get strong financially and if I go out he might get closer to me thinkin about loosing me to some one. As that is what he fears. He has even told me once while he was drunk " I know ur tired of me, if u go out and get a better person I know ull leave me" so I know that he knows he's treatin me ill. But then when he is ok, he says he's treatin me well and m imagining stuff. I am tryin everythng to find out about the other woman but technology in EA sucks.. Can't even get a VAR to get him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## eowyn (Mar 22, 2012)

I agree with "Slowlygettingwiser" as well to some degree. The only thing I would get concerned about with leaving the husband at this point is what happens to the daughter? 

(1) Looks like husband bonds well with the daughter and will not let her go with the mother

(2) OP is emotionally in a pretty bad place with drained out self respect, confidence and self esteem and not sure if she is in a position to stand up for herself and her daughter just yet. What bothers me the most is not that her husband treats her like a SLAVE, but the fact that she herself treats herself as a SLAVE! Why would she prepare "his favorite meals", "beg for sex" etc.. She should have been in a place where she should not feel good if he were to touch her considering the disrespect and crap he gives her all the time. 

(3) The country where OP is from might not have a legal and support system as robust as it is in US and as of now she doesn't have a strong reason such as physical abuse or proof of cheating that can be solid evidence to get the child custody. Not that it should come to that but just trying to think loud here.

If they wouldn't have had a kid yet I would have agreed 100% with Slowlygettingwiser and would have strongly advised her to JUST LEAVE. 

However either ways I really think she should first CHANGE HER PERCEPTION ABOUT HERSELF AND STOP BEING HIS DOORMAT! Then she herself would come to a point where she would be able to think properly and decide what would be best for her.


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## eowyn (Mar 22, 2012)

pinky2129 said:


> Yes I don't want my daughter to learn all this. I have started my job hunt.
> 
> I know I am a slave for him but I have moved a step and taken advice of TAM members and started job hunt. Hope to get one soon then wil confront him.
> 
> ...


Good to know that you have started taking steps to positively think about your future and come up with a plan. I know it must be very very difficult. But remember you have that strength in you and I am sure you will find it. Keep us posted on how things go!


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## pinky2129 (Sep 26, 2011)

eowyn said:


> I agree with "Slowlygettingwiser" as well to some degree. The only thing I would get concerned about with leaving the husband at this point is what happens to the daughter?
> 
> (1) Looks like husband bonds well with the daughter and will not let her go with the mother
> 
> ...


Yes I can't stand up yet with all this abuse but talkin myself here I started my job hunt today. 

I do prepare his meals, ask him for sex and do anythng atleast to grab his attention to me and with a hope that things might change. I just want to try everythng before I say "that's it" and plus I want myself financially and emotionally strong to fight him because he has told me if I divorce him I don't get my daughter and he wil make sure of it.
Yes the system here is not good as uk and US. That's why I couldn't do anythng. Even searched counseling but I couldn't get. 

About degree he wouldn't support me and if I start a job(which I would have to go a tough time with him) I wil definately apply for a degree first.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## eowyn (Mar 22, 2012)

If you really want to give him a chance stop acting like his slave. If you act like a slave he will treat you like a slave, if you act like his wife he will treat you like his wife.

The more you try to "please" him the further away he will go away from you. If you make yourself "not so available" he will try to seek you. That is the way human mind works unfortunately!

I don't mean pick up a fight or something, just do what you do "without going the extra mile". So prepare food, but you don't have to prepare "his favorite", no need to "warm it up for him". When he comes and plays with daughter you do your stuff... read a book. Do not ask or expect anything from him including sex. Anyways you don't get it even after asking, so why bother to ask and lower your respect for yourself. Just try to be self-sufficient. 

I read in a good book that we should try and "carry our own weather", by that the author means our happiness should not be dependent on the external factors but should come from within. We can be happy even if its gloomy outside. So just stop thinking about your husband. If he insults you just don't pay attention or take it to your heart. Take care of yourself and your daughter for now. Focus on that. Take one day at a time. Try to incorporate some exercise etc in your schedule as well, make sure you dress well so you feel good about yourself. Talk with your friends, family (general topics, not about the husband). 

Take it up as a challenge and transform yourself into a person with super-positive attitude!! Our mind has more power than you can imagine. Once you get the positive thoughts flowing through your system maybe your situation will change without you having to take any efforts... at the least you will get enough strength to deal with it.


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## pinky2129 (Sep 26, 2011)

Hello everyone... Just came in to give an update... Went for my first interview without hubby geting to know. Have been shortlisted for the second one but still waiting for my final call.. checked hubby's phone and saw it has a pwd.. Tried to guess it out and asked him... He completely refused and said he doesn't want me to read his work emails. I don't think I have done wrong.. Y keep a pwd.. He says he has been going to gym but the way I see him after work he doesn't even look like he's worked out. He has cut down on talking to me. Feeling really sad today.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## eowyn (Mar 22, 2012)

pinky2129 said:


> Hello everyone... Just came in to give an update... Went for my first interview without hubby geting to know. Have been shortlisted for the second one but still waiting for my final call.. checked hubby's phone and saw it has a pwd.. Tried to guess it out and asked him... He completely refused and said he doesn't want me to read his work emails. I don't think I have done wrong.. Y keep a pwd.. He says he has been going to gym but the way I see him after work he doesn't even look like he's worked out. He has cut down on talking to me. Feeling really sad today.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Good Luck with the final interview. This is a great first step!! It is natural to feel sad, but since your husband doesn't treat you well and probably also has an affair, I don't think he deserves your tears or sadness.. Are you the religious types? If so, praying would definitely help and give you the strength you need right now! Read some self-help or inspirational books.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Pinky:

CONGRATULATIONS on taking your first steps. I hope you will get a good job. I know it will make you feel much better and stronger.

It is normal to feel sad some days, happy some days, cry some days. It is alright. As long as you know you are on the right road to a better life for you and your beautiful daughter.

I would not feel so bad that your husband is not talking to you much. It seems like a lot of what he says to you are lies anyway!

WHAT COUNTRY DO YOU LIVE IN NOW? You said "EA"...are you somewhere in East Asia?


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## pinky2129 (Sep 26, 2011)

I meant east africa.. Yes I feel great too but it is just annoyin to see him like this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Your husband is probably not talking to you because he is waiting for the crying, begging and pleading you usually do to make him pay attention to you. LET HIM WAIT! No more crying. No more begging. No more pleading.

You are a woman. A grown, adult woman. You have dignity, worth and self-respect. Do NOT play his games. If he says mean things to you, ignore them. Know in your heart that you are making plans for a better life for you and your daughter. If he ignores you, ignore him. Know in your heart that you are making plans for a better life for you and your daughter. Let that knowledge bring YOU inner peace and strength while you take one step at a time into a new and better life.

Do THOSE THINGS that you must do to keep YOUR life running smoothly. Your husband is still working and bringing home the money, so you DO need to cook dinner. Just DON'T make his favorites any more. You need to clean the house and laundry still, but do it to YOUR satisfaction. If it isn't good enough for him, he can do it himself or invite his mother over to do it for him!

Every week that passes, review in your own mind the progress you have made toward your new life. Some days/weeks will be better than others. Cry when you must, but NOT because of or in front of him. He doesn't want to have sex with you, FINE. It's probably safer that way. Since you found another's woman's clothes in his closet, he may be having an affair. Unprotected sex would put you at risk for diseases (who would care for your daughter if you were ill) or unwanted pregnancy.

Just a side note:
"to give him head" means to perform oral sex (fellacio) on him

"to give him his head" means to let him do what he wants [like when you give a horse his head, it means you let the horse run/walk wherever he pleases without trying to direct him with the reins]


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

pinky2129 said:


> And one more thing I found some online dating sites on his mail... He says they are spam...


If they are spam then he can totally disable them by going to the dating site and unsubscribe.
Surely he doesn't want to do this.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

pinky2129 said:


> We had a love marriage.. And sex before our daughter was never a problem we used to have sex three times a week but now if I don't push him he can go to months.


Pinky, some men lose interest for their wives once they have a child. I think that he no longer finds you attractive, so he has moved on to having sex with other women instead of you. Now, you are just the replacement for his mother and the nanny for his child.

Because you LET it be that way.

The only way he will ever care about you again is if you get a job, move out with your daughter, and set high standards for the treatment you expect from him.

Start investigating what agencies are in your country to help women get their own place to live, get legal help to protect you from him when he starts being even meaner than he is now. Prepare that help and then make plans. Ask your parents to help you do this. 

You are NOT in a marriage right now, Pinky. You are a convenience for him, nothing more, because you have accepted that role. It's time to stop accepting the abuse.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

pinky2129 said:


> I really want to leave him but my parents don't agree to divorce.


The only way you can help him see what he needs to do is to remove you and your daughter and then let him EARN you back. That would be helping him. I'm glad you're taking steps. 

Just remember that, once you leave, you will have to require that he get professional help, therapy, to learn about what he's been doing to you. If he just says 'I've changed,' do NOT believe him. He can't change without help.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

pinky2129 said:


> Hello everyone... Just came in to give an update... Went for my first interview without hubby geting to know. Have been shortlisted for the second one but still waiting for my final call.. checked hubby's phone and saw it has a pwd.. Tried to guess it out and asked him... He completely refused and said he doesn't want me to read his work emails. I don't think I have done wrong.. Y keep a pwd.. He says he has been going to gym but the way I see him after work he doesn't even look like he's worked out. He has cut down on talking to me. Feeling really sad today.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That's because he's cheating on you.


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## eowyn (Mar 22, 2012)

That is true, you need to 

1. Not lower your dignity by crying, begging etc
2. Not care about him anymore
3. Not give him any more benefit of doubt
4. No more wishful thinking
5. Not believe him even if he says he changed etc
6. Ignore him if he acts crazy
7. Emotionally detach yourself from this person
8. Take care of yourself, your health, appearance etc
9. Take care of your daughter
10. Do your chores for yourself & daughter, not for him
11. Prepare to stand on your own feet - job search etc
12. Get support from people you trust 
13. Keep yourself positively charged
14. Research on things you need to do so you can have your daughter's custody
15. Have a plan in place for a nice take off
16. Do not give him any hints about your plan 
17. Try to looks ahead for a more positive future

Keep us posted on your progress and be strong. You will be very very proud of yourself when this is behind you!


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## pinky2129 (Sep 26, 2011)

Hello.. Yes I am tryin to be strong. And by all this advice I do feel better and get the positive energy that I can do this and get over it. Went to spend the day at my parents house, returned at night, all the time he was bothered if his daughter had eaten and what she was doin.Had a bad dream last night.. Saw him passionly kissing this woman.. And I was with my daughter. In the morning I felt disgusted seeing him on the same bed. Been a week now he's made our daughter sleep between us instead of her crib. I keep her in her crib and he insists she should sleep between us. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Why does HE have the right to decide where she sleeps?


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## pinky2129 (Sep 26, 2011)

Hello everyone,
Just wanted to update on my life... Started to go for cake classes.. Been two weeks. Today got my first order of cake and everythng went well... I feel like m getin to somewhere and I m actually feeling good about myslf... Thank u and god bless you all...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Hey, Pinky, SO HAPPY for you!

Every step you take towards a new happy life for you and your daughter is GOOD. Remember, nothing good happens overnight, all good things take time. It is a long journey, but every week YOU are becoming the woman YOU want to be and showing your daughter the kind of woman SHE should be.

Keep coming here to TAM to get encouragement, seek out good advice, help with planning, or just to let out your anger/frustrations. Know in your heart that you ARE doing the right thing and that there are people all over the world who DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU yet want good things and a good life for you and your daughter!

We love you for YOU at TAM!


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## eowyn (Mar 22, 2012)

pinky2129 said:


> Hello everyone,
> Just wanted to update on my life... Started to go for cake classes.. Been two weeks. Today got my first order of cake and everythng went well... I feel like m getin to somewhere and I m actually feeling good about myslf... Thank u and god bless you all...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So good to hear from you!! You are doing such a great job!! Keep it up!! Lots of good wishes to you and your daughter


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## pinky2129 (Sep 26, 2011)

Thank u ol... I get so much positive after reading all this inputs... Yes m steppin ahead and he's seeing it... And yes m becoming a woman n wil face him
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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