# Will this help or make things worse?



## stressedmomandwife (Jan 19, 2012)

Long story short: H had an EA with co worker, found out a little over a month ago. I text her and told her to stop talking to him and ran into her and also told her in person. I'm trying really hard to forgive and let go and he has been very supportive. But he still works with her two to three times out of the week, she works at the front desk and he does maintanence so it's not like they need to talk too much about work. He says he has not talked to her but it still drives me crazy knowing they are under the same roof. So here is the question: i asked him to tell her himself that he doesn't want to speak to her, I feel like I'm just the jealous wife going off on her and he hasn't said anything to support me. I asked him to have me on the phone when he does speak to her so that I can listen. I feel that I want to hear him stick up for me and break it off himself, Im also curious to hear what she has to say and how they speak to each other. Is this a bad idea? He says that he will do it but he prefers to continue to ignore her.
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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Bad bad plan. He needs to write her a letter of no contact that you approve and MAIL it to her. Under no circumstance whatsoever should he converse with her - period. Would be best if he could not be in proximity to her - many here will suggest he should change jobs. His expressing his desire for no contact is a good idea, but it should be done via letter and absolutely not be done face to face.


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## stressedmomandwife (Jan 19, 2012)

What about a phone call? Or txt MSG? He is job hunting, unfortunately we can't afford for him to quit, but I so badly wish he would.
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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Anything is preferable to putting them face to face talking. The good thing about a letter is that you can read it and edit until you're satisfied with it, it can be verified that she received it, and she can reread it to be sure he really said what he did when she starts to rewrite it in her mind and thinks about contacting him. Email is an acceptable second choice. Text message is a poor third and a phone call is almost as bad as face to face. 

The other bad part about face to face, phone, text and to a lesser degree email is that they all invite a response. A letter has finality to it. When he tells her, she'll have some emotional reaction and want to respond, the harder that is to do the less likely it is to happen and the better off everyone is.


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## stressedmomandwife (Jan 19, 2012)

I'm really curious to hear how they speak to each other, to hear if there's really an emotional connection. I guess that does sound like a bad idea. My curiosity is driving me crazy! Thank you for your response.
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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Having had an EA myself here's what I can tell you about what will happen if you get to hear them speak to each other - you won't like it. He'll be kinder and more gentle both in word and tone than you would like. He'll be more ambiguous with the reason for, and his desire for, no contact. He will work harder to spare her feelings than you would like. In short, he will speak and act like he is trying to soften a blow to someone he cares about. Why? Because that's exactly what he's doing. Like it or not, if they had an EA, she can pull at his heart strings and he is likely almost helpless to not respond at least to some degree - this is the very reason establishing and maintaining no contact is such a big deal. 

Just accept the fact that if you got to hear them speak it would really piss you off. Let him do it via letter and let it be done.


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## stressedmomandwife (Jan 19, 2012)

Thank you. Makes a lot of sense. Question for you if you don't mind... Obviously when you have an EA you grow feelings for the OW/OM, is it possible to forget about them? To erase those feeling? He says he loves me and she means nothing to him but at one point was beginning to get feelings for her and even wondered if she can make him happy. I keep telling myself that I'm the one he loves and he's trying to work things out with ME not her but I can't help to wonder if he misses her, thinks about her and still cares about her.
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## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

sigma1299 said:


> Just accept the fact that if you got to hear them speak it would really piss you off. Let him do it via letter and let it be done.





I agree that you will not like to hear them speak. Don't put your self through that. I understand be a curiouse person my self why you would eant to hear them talk as if you will understand or learn more from it. Not at all. You will be hurt by it and have nothing expossed or explained there.

He should work else where as soon as he can get out of there. I think that he is trying to mantain some ability to work near her by ignoring her. Being that they had an EA it would not take much for them to bounce back to their old games. It is risky to just ignore her. He needs to cut her off Firmly and clearly.....with a nc letter and keep a copy for your records.
Ignoring things and people does not make them go away.


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## stressedmomandwife (Jan 19, 2012)

@kuriosity: thanks for your response. I agree that he needs to cut her off and make it clear that it is not only me who doesn't want them to speak but him also. What should the letter say?
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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Well first just a little background on my affair so you know where I'm coming from. I've been with my wife 22 years and married 14 now, in 2010 I received a facebook friend request from an old high school flame I hadn't though of in 18 years, at that moment I would have told you I was the most happily married guy on earth. I only relay this because I think new contact with old flames is significantly more prone to lead to an EA and harder to get over. 

Anyway. I'm sure my wife will read my answer to your question with bated breath. Once you've developed feelings for them is it possible to "forget" your AP (affair partner)? Honestly, I'm 17 months post D Day and I don't know the answer to that. My time and reading here lead me to say "not entirely" though. Having an affair is a traumatic thing to do to yourself, something not easily forgotten, and your AP is obviously a major piece of that memory. As a result when you think of one you often think of the other. I haven't really heard any of the other cheaters here say they were able to erase their AP from their mind, but most of the ones who have reconciled with their spouse will tell you that they have no feelings for and only bad thoughts of their AP. 

Do some reading here about "the fog." EA's are very much like a drug, the participants get very addicted to the rush their AP gives them. It makes no sense and makes them do some very stupid stuff, like mistake what they are feeling for love. It really is no more complicated but no less serious than being addicted to an illicit drug. Depending on how intense their EA was he likely does "miss her" but in missing her what he really misses is the rush she gave him. Pay more attention to what he does than what he says. He's likely an emotional wreck inside and can't tell love from the flu. His actions are what will tell you where he really is. If he's doing the things you need, if he's truly remorseful and taking ownership of what he's done then odds are he's really coming back to you. Is he doing those things?


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## stressedmomandwife (Jan 19, 2012)

For the past month i have been very confused and emotional, I found this website through google and have felt so much better since I did. I have realized that the way I feel is normal. In a thread I found an article titled: The sea of stress is difficult to understand, and It described how I was feeling perfectly and gave steps to how he can help me heal, I printed it out for him this past Friday and it has helped a lot. He's really been trying, and apologizing over and over again, he randomly holds me and cries, he tries to remember conversations with her and answers all my questions, I have all his passwords to everything and there has been no communication between the through his phone (I chek our phone records daily) but they do work together and I have no clue if he's being honest that they not all at work. He spent the whole weekend with me and he's ben patient wth my and my emotional roller coaster. He has admitted things that are really hard to admit to. I ask if he misses her and still thinks about her and he says no, that is why I ask. Idk if I want to continue to work on this relationship if he is going to continue to think about her and ave feelings for her 
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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

You're only a month in - give him some time to bury it. Just because the relationship was illicit doesn't make it any easier to break the emotional connection sorry to say. It's an emotional connection and like an emotional attachment to anyone else (or a pet even) your sad when they come to an end and it take a little bit for them to fade into memory. This is why I say pay attention to his actions, he'll put his effort in the direction his heart truly wants to go. It sounds like he's doing all the right things, understand that he's in a lot of pain to and while this is his mess and it's his responsibility to clean it up, he likely needs your support as much as you need his.

Edit to add: In the above I don't mean to imply that you should cut him any slack in what he needs to do. Indeed you should do the opposite and cut him zero slack, but as long as he is doing all of the heavy lifting and maintaining no contact give him what support you can.


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## stressedmomandwife (Jan 19, 2012)

Is it possible that there is no emotional connection, that he really did see her as just a friend? I really want to believe him when he says she means nothing and she never did.
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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Well there's really only two types of affairs - emotional and physical. If they didn't have a physical affair, and there's no emotional connection then all they had was an inappropriate relationship that you weren't ok with (nothing wrong with feeling that way btw). 

Is it possible? Sure. But guys don't typically invest a lot of time in a woman unless there's some connection some where so IMO it's unlikely that there was nothing. 

Why did you describe it as an EA in your post?


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## committedwife (Dec 12, 2011)

stressedmomandwife said:


> Is it possible that there is no emotional connection, that he really did see her as just a friend? I really want to believe him when he says she means nothing and she never did.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My husband had an affair with a co-worker. She left the job when their affair was exposed. My husband says it would have been impossible for them to stay apart if they had continued to work together. I don't want to be the bearer of bad news, but if your husband's affair was 'only' emotional, the chance is good it will become physical if they continue to work together. 

And I think it is unspeakably cruel that you are forced to watch your husband drive off to work every day, knowing that he is going to the same place as his AP.


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## stressedmomandwife (Jan 19, 2012)

He was fired from his job today. Bittersweet, I'm sure it's a blessing in disguise. If eel very relieved.
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## committedwife (Dec 12, 2011)

stressedmomandwife said:


> He was fired from his job today. Bittersweet, I'm sure it's a blessing in disguise. If eel very relieved.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


There is a God! You need to keep an eye on him. Keep an eye on his cell phone use and go with him when he runs out on errands. If they're still in the affair, your chance of finding contact is much better right now. 

He'll get another job.


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## stressedmomandwife (Jan 19, 2012)

. Although I'm stressed because of our financial situation I am sooooo relieved he doesn't have to see her anymore. And of course checking our phone records daily is still a must. I don't think he will need to send her a letter, text, email or call. There is def. no need for him to break anything off anymore. Or should he?
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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Yes he should, an NC letter is a most and under the current sitch, it may have been her fault that he lost his job. But thats besides the point, he needs to make it clear to you and to her and to him self that he has choosen to work and his marriage. This should be writen by him and reviewed by you and send together as a married couple.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Did his association with this woman have anything to do with him being fired?


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## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

I think he should do the NC letter. It is a statement to the OW that there is no returning or renewing their A. It makes it pretty clear from what I understand and everyone on her makes it pretty clear that it is a step that should be taken.

I wish we had taken that step. I am always worried that they will run into eachother and that because there was not a full on cut off in writing that she may call him or something and then it will be the end to our marriage. (I live in fear of it) 

Although I am sure there are many reason the NC is important not just my take on it but I think that taking the right steps will make all the difference.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Still needs to send it. It's kind of like drawing a line in the sand. Once it's out there it can't be taken back, could he recontact her anyway? Sure. But, then you have it as a stick and a promise with which to beat him for breaking NC. Conversely it becomes a physical written commitment for him to not recontact her. These are all additional reasons I said to not do it face to face. It needs to be a letter and he still needs to send it.
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