# Tired of not being first.



## soontobe (Jun 20, 2009)

Hi I'm new here, accidentally stumbled across this website actually. Was looking around and thought I might be able to here some truth on here. My fiance and I have been engaged for 6 months now. We were scheduled to be married on the 23rd of May but had money issues happen and called it off. We have been living together for about 2 months now and it's been quite different than what I thought it would. We live with his mom, aunt, and his aunts three foster kids in a trailer. Our room was actually part of the livingroom that they blocked off. We have no door and the kids, no matter how many times you tell them or ground them or put their nose in a corner, wont stay out of there if they want something in a cuboard back there. His friends dad kicked his friend out then another of his friends got kicked out too so we now have 9 people living here plus a 3 year old thats over almost 24/7 and a 15 year old thats over even more than the 3 year old. I love everyone in this house but since his friends moved in I am no longer number 1 to him is what it feels like. He hasnt done anything he promised me he would do, quit smoking, look for another place to live, etc, he woul rather do other stuff. This is what he does in his day normally, he sleeps, plays video games, hangs with the friends, and is on the internet almost all the time. I didnt mind as much because I have all the women to hang with but it started bugging me when he started being distant and wouldnt tell me anything. Then he goes to play poker, he won tickets from our radio station to play in their anniversary poker tournament. I knew about it a while before and told him to have fun, he comes back and I ask if he has the calender they were having to sign and he said yes. Thats what really started me cause its these pitures of really skinny girls with huge fake boobs and he actually wants to keep it. He knows I dont stare at another guy so why should he be able to stare at a girl? Then he has a box of playboys his mom had gotten him when he turned 18, hes 23 now, and gave him to one of his friends. He keeps it in his trunk though because his friend lives here. I have expressed how I feel about that stuff since the first day we got together and all he says is well you know I'm not looking at it, but I dont really know that. We dont even have a romantic relationship anymore and he would rather do it by himself than with me. I feel like I am no longer good enough for him. I just dont know what to do anymore. He just blows off what everyone says and if I need something its"ask my aunt what you can do for money then." He tells me that all the time over things I really need. I love him still and now have no one to talk to because the few adults that I know will tell him anything I say. I'm just so lost now because he promised one thing and his friends seem more important now.


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## soontobe (Jun 20, 2009)

Also he knows I was never first in anybody's life even the one person I actually proposed to, shortly after I proposed to cheated on me with 2 guys and 1 girl(I proposed to a girl). He just doesnt get that everybody I have ever dated hurt me by cheating on me. It made me a hard and bitter person and do some bad things to myself but I got over it with him being in my life.


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## wantingmore (Nov 24, 2008)

All those people would drive me crazy. The first thing I would work on is getting a place of your own. 

I wouldn't let your happiness and self worth depend on him, that should be something you share with him, but don't depend on him for it. 
Go out and do something for yourself, join some clubs or groups and build your own life and then decide if you want him to be a part of that life.
I don't think in any relationship you will always come first. 
I come 2nd to cars, racing, computer, tools, friends lol. But I have my own things to do. And it only really bothers me when we go a while with out doing anything together. Then we schedule us time. 

But basically we have our own lives that we share with each other.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

soontobe said:


> Hi I'm new here, accidentally stumbled across this website actually. Was looking around and thought I might be able to here some truth on here. My fiance and I have been engaged for 6 months now. We were scheduled to be married on the 23rd of May but had money issues happen and called it off. We have been living together for about 2 months now and it's been quite different than what I thought it would. We live with his mom, aunt, and his aunts three foster kids in a trailer. Our room was actually part of the livingroom that they blocked off. We have no door and the kids, no matter how many times you tell them or ground them or put their nose in a corner, wont stay out of there if they want something in a cuboard back there. His friends dad kicked his friend out then another of his friends got kicked out too so we now have 9 people living here plus a 3 year old thats over almost 24/7 and a 15 year old thats over even more than the 3 year old. I love everyone in this house but since his friends moved in I am no longer number 1 to him is what it feels like. He hasnt done anything he promised me he would do, quit smoking, look for another place to live, etc, he woul rather do other stuff. This is what he does in his day normally, he sleeps, plays video games, hangs with the friends, and is on the internet almost all the time. I didnt mind as much because I have all the women to hang with but it started bugging me when he started being distant and wouldnt tell me anything. Then he goes to play poker, he won tickets from our radio station to play in their anniversary poker tournament. I knew about it a while before and told him to have fun, he comes back and I ask if he has the calender they were having to sign and he said yes. Thats what really started me cause its these pitures of really skinny girls with huge fake boobs and he actually wants to keep it. He knows I dont stare at another guy so why should he be able to stare at a girl? Then he has a box of playboys his mom had gotten him when he turned 18, hes 23 now, and gave him to one of his friends. He keeps it in his trunk though because his friend lives here. I have expressed how I feel about that stuff since the first day we got together and all he says is well you know I'm not looking at it, but I dont really know that. We dont even have a romantic relationship anymore and he would rather do it by himself than with me. I feel like I am no longer good enough for him. I just dont know what to do anymore. He just blows off what everyone says and if I need something its"ask my aunt what you can do for money then." He tells me that all the time over things I really need. I love him still and now have no one to talk to because the few adults that I know will tell him anything I say. I'm just so lost now because he promised one thing and his friends seem more important now.


If the two of you cannot afford to have your own place, that you can pay for on your own, its maybe not a good time to cohabitate or marry.
I think his comments to you are based in:
he is doing the best he can...

and maybe thats the best its going to be. You could look into expanding your education so you can find a good paying job and in that may decide to find someone else. As they say: Love doesn't pay the rent.. and if you are willing to settle for decades or maybe a lifetime of poverty, then he's your guy.

as is: doesn't sound like either of you are ready to marry and make a lifetime commitment, neither of you or together.. can supply the most basic needs like your own place...
I'd re-think this possible marriage if I were you. Might be worth it to invest in yourself before marrying and not bring children into the situation until your both somewhat more financially stable.


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## soontobe (Jun 20, 2009)

The money issue is why were waiting. I'm going to be furthering my education this year. Im going to a cooking school(sorry I cant remember how to spell the actual term for it, I've only had 3 hours of sleep in the past 48) because I am a cook and I am good at it. I can make pretty much any dish thats asked of me to make though where I live his mom does the cooking. I wanted children and have wanted children, we were careful though and I never had one and since I moved in here his mom and him were pushing me to get on the pill even though I dont want to use things like that. I did it for him, everything I do is normally for him but he doesnt care I think.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

soontobe said:


> The money issue is why were waiting. I'm going to be furthering my education this year. Im going to a cooking school(sorry I cant remember how to spell the actual term for it, I've only had 3 hours of sleep in the past 48) because I am a cook and I am good at it. I can make pretty much any dish thats asked of me to make though where I live his mom does the cooking. I wanted children and have wanted children, we were careful though and I never had one and since I moved in here his mom and him were pushing me to get on the pill even though I dont want to use things like that. I did it for him, everything I do is normally for him but he doesnt care I think.


If I were you, heres what I would do...
I'd not move in with him and put off plans to marry. Get yourself a room mate ( plantonic) and just date your BF....

I know your thinking that won't work, but I'll tell you that the way your going it's not going to work either. At least if you do it the way I suggest you'll have some safety and security, in making some of your own.
Down the road, you may still want to marry and this way if he has not become the one for you, will be easy to shift gears and get away from him into something better for you, with someone who has also made good choices and waited for the right one.


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## oldlady (Jun 20, 2009)

Well since you are young enough to be one of my kids if either of my kids was in this situation I would hope they'd get out of it ASAP. 

Can you move back to your home or maybe get a place with a roommate. 

Also on the Culinary school - I'd not bother my oldest daughter lived with a grad of one of those schools ( a very highly rated one) and because of his education he is basically unhirable -- people don't hire "chefs" they hire cooks cause its cheaper. If you like to cook - go get a job at a nice restaurant as a cook ( assistant to the chef). 

It sounds like you both need some growing up first. I also hope you don't decide to have a child now. Kids come later. I never used hormone birth control, but please use some sort no sense in bringing a child into this situation now if you 2 can't afford to "raise yourselves"


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