# Nagging



## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Do you or your spouse/SO nag at one another?

Neither my husband nor I nag at one another or at the children. I believe this is one of the very good reasons why we don't fight or argue, ever.

I grew up and all my mother did was nag. She nagged my dad, my brother and I constantly! Oh my, it was terrible. We cringe just by the sound of her voice.
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## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

Nope. I've never nagged in any relationship that I've ever been in. I have many more flaws, I don't need to add to it lol.


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## 2sick (Nov 5, 2010)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> Do you or your spouse/SO nag at one another?
> 
> Neither my husband nor I nag at one another or at the children. I believe this is one of the very good reasons why we don't fight or argue, ever.
> 
> ...


lol!!! So I will presume that they do what they are supposed to do so that you don't have to nag them to them!!!:lol:
So I guess you know my answer!!! Hell yes I nag!!!! If I EVER want to have anything done (that I don't want to end up doing for them) I have to CONSTANTLY remind them to do it!!!! I know it's annoying and performed a test to see what happens if I don't nag....wellllllll.... EVERYTHING remained in the middle of the floor, junk piled up on the tables, clothes all on the floor...FOR OVER A WEEEEEEK!!!! Needless to say a subsequently nagged with fury!!! My mantra is ya don't want to be nagged then do what needs to be done!!!!:rofl:

So in short, I would LOVE not having to nag but I DOOOOO!!!


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

You have the wrong attitude, sorry. They think they have to do it for you. That causes resentment. Imagine if you werent there do you think nothing would get done. It has to be joint teamwork not by a slavedriver.


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## squirrel211 (Sep 7, 2011)

2sick said:


> lol!!! So I will presume that they do what they are supposed to do so that you don't have to nag them to them!!!:lol:
> So I guess you know my answer!!! Hell yes I nag!!!! If I EVER want to have anything done (that I don't want to end up doing for them) I have to CONSTANTLY remind them to do it!!!! I know it's annoying and performed a test to see what happens if I don't nag....wellllllll.... EVERYTHING remained in the middle of the floor, junk piled up on the tables, clothes all on the floor...FOR OVER A WEEEEEEK!!!! Needless to say a subsequently nagged with fury!!! My mantra is ya don't want to be nagged then do what needs to be done!!!!:rofl:
> 
> So in short, I would LOVE not having to nag but I DOOOOO!!!


I would admonish you to think about the price you're paying to get things done by nagging. It's steeper than you think. 

In my experience, people that complete tasks because of being nagged experience a large deterrent against both the task AND nagging experience. They not only develop negative feelings towards the task, they develop a general sense of anti-cooperation towards the nag. And in your case, I can totally believe that you nag in anticipation of the task not being done.... Humans are wired to resist being convinced to do something they don't want to do, and they will be even less likely to cooperate when nagged.


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## 2sick (Nov 5, 2010)

accept said:


> You have the wrong attitude, sorry. They think they have to do it for you. That causes resentment. Imagine if you werent there do you think nothing would get done. It has to be joint teamwork not by a slavedriver.


In short YUP!!!!! NOTHING WOULD GET DONE!!!! They DO have to do it...not for me...but to be freak'n clean!!! :scratchhead:


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

Ok go away for a week see what happens. Have you told us the age of your kids. They see you nagging your husband, and thats the problem. If you wouldnt nag him you wouldnt have to nag them either.


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## 2sick (Nov 5, 2010)

squirrel211 said:


> I would admonish you to think about the price you're paying to get things done by nagging. It's steeper than you think.
> 
> In my experience, people that complete tasks because of being nagged experience a large deterrent against both the task AND nagging experience. They not only develop negative feelings towards the task, they develop a general sense of anti-cooperation towards the nag. And in your case, I can totally believe that you nag in anticipation of the task not being done.... Humans are wired to resist being convinced to do something they don't want to do, and they will be even less likely to cooperate when nagged.


Hmmm I guess I'm missing the point...NO nag =no clean...nag =clean soooo NAG wins out everytime!!! To be honest who really wants to clean and pick up after themselves...I hate it but guess what I do it...and unless I want bugs running around the kitchen and house or if I want to be running around the house picking up after them, they have to be told to pick up their crap!!! Hey, if you know a secret that I don't for having people clean up after themselves without being told to do so PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE tell me....cause I would lOVE IT!!!!


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## 2sick (Nov 5, 2010)

accept said:


> Ok go away for a week see what happens. Have you told us the age of your kids. They see you nagging your husband, and thats the problem. If you wouldnt nag him you wouldnt have to nag them either.


I went away for a weekend...don't think I would survive a week...I enjoyed cleaning up, washing clothes and shopping for several days upon my return. They are 14 and 16!!!! I've told them if they want to be slobs when they move out goooo ahead but not in my house!!!!  Nope I don't nag h around the kids.


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## squirrel211 (Sep 7, 2011)

2sick said:


> Hmmm I guess I'm missing the point...NO nag =no clean...nag =clean soooo NAG wins out everytime!!! To be honest who really wants to clean and pick up after themselves...I hate it but guess what I do it...and unless I want bugs running around the kitchen and house or if I want to be running around the house picking up after them, they have to be told to pick up their crap!!! Hey, if you know a secret that I don't for having people clean up after themselves without being told to do so PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE tell me....cause I would lOVE IT!!!!



My secret? I RESPECT MY WIFE MORE THE TASKS I THINK SHE MUST ACCOMPLISH!!!! She means more to me than cleaning the house, washing laundry, etc..

Nagging is miserable. It puts you in a bad mood, and it puts the target of the nagging in a bad mood. Anything accomplished is dwarfed by the resentment built, and it almost certainly lines you up for less cooperation in the future, i.e. MORE nagging.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

Maybe but they know about it. I am sure your H mentions it. They are old enough thats true. But its very late to start now. Surely they enjoy shopping. Or dont you let them do that. How would I go about it. I would try to do it together with them at first in a quiet way. Hoping in time they would do it themselves. I also think its easier to start on your H. Does he want his kids growing up like that. You must discuss with him how to go about it.


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## 2sick (Nov 5, 2010)

squirrel211 said:


> My secret? I RESPECT MY WIFE MORE THE TASKS I THINK SHE MUST ACCOMPLISH!!!! She means more to me than cleaning the house, washing laundry, etc..
> 
> Nagging is miserable. It puts you in a bad mood, and it puts the target of the nagging in a bad mood. Anything accomplished is dwarfed by the resentment built, and it almost certainly lines you up for less cooperation in the future, i.e. MORE nagging.


Ok Sorry, don't mean to nag... but still confused? you're saying you respect her because she is doing everything or that you respect her so you do?


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> Do you or your spouse/SO nag at one another?
> 
> Neither my husband nor I nag at one another or at the children. I believe this is one of the very good reasons why we don't fight or argue, ever.
> 
> I grew up and all my mother did was nag. She nagged my dad, my brother and I constantly! Oh my, it was terrible. We cringe just by the sound of her voice.


I am not a nagger, BUT my husband always does what he is supposed to do, he is on top of things, no leaky roofs or pipes, or our car sitting up on blocks for days with him, he busts this butt. If not, I would be a bit**er, not much of a nagger, cause I get mad more than I whine like a little girl. 

I can be demanding. But that is just me. He doesn't fault me for it, one of side benefits is ....I am demanding of myself also -so we both have our specific things we are responsible for, and we don't slack in getting them done. This makes for a smooth marriage. 

Women who don't have a husband like this , it wouldn't be any walk in the park, I could seriously see Brawls over it. Same as a man who work full time-then come home to a SAHM who thinks nothing of cleaning the house, and having a meal prepared, I mean, the guy has reason to have this temperature rise. 

Then some of us may just expect too much, want to be catered to like a Princess or think every little imperfection in the house needs attended too immediately...the "honey do list" is endless & just trying to impress the neighbors or something . Now that would be impossible to live with, I would call that "nagging". 

We need to be thankful for what our spouses do, and be balanced in what we expect of them- what they are capable of doing -given the context of a day, and what we have done -to help them -that day as well.


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## Darkhorse (Dec 3, 2011)

I don't nag. My husband doesn't nag. However, a nag is only a nag when the person doesn't want to do it. So, we ask each other to do things and if we don't want to or can't, we simply say no. Not a big deal. We know what we need to do around the house...My husband looks for things to do to stay busy :lol:

I don't nag my child either. She knows what needs to be done. If she forgets (there's a list on her door of her chores), I take money from her allowance. No nagging.


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## Darkhorse (Dec 3, 2011)

squirrel211 said:


> I would admonish you to think about the price you're paying to get things done by nagging. It's steeper than you think.
> 
> In my experience, people that complete tasks because of being nagged experience a large deterrent against both the task AND nagging experience. They not only develop negative feelings towards the task, they develop a general sense of anti-cooperation towards the nag. And in your case, I can totally believe that you nag in anticipation of the task not being done.... Humans are wired to resist being convinced to do something they don't want to do, and they will be even less likely to cooperate when nagged.


Yea. If my husband nagged me...I'd simply stop doing things. I'm not a child. I know what I need to do.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

If you treat me like I'm retarded I will leave it for your brilliant acumen to accomplish.


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## 2sick (Nov 5, 2010)

accept said:


> Maybe but they know about it. I am sure your H mentions it. They are old enough thats true. But its very late to start now. Surely they enjoy shopping. Or dont you let them do that. How would I go about it. I would try to do it together with them at first in a quiet way. Hoping in time they would do it themselves. I also think its easier to start on your H. Does he want his kids growing up like that. You must discuss with him how to go about it.


Thanks for input! ...I mentioned the shopping re: h .... cupboard was bear. Neither kid can drive yet, but you are right about the cleaning up! H called me a minute ago, and said we (me and you) should to talk about the difference between communicating what need to be done and nagging...I know weird...(maybe when he isn't too busy he'll chime in!) So you now know the topic has already been communicated...IDK, maybe they have already been trained to only respond when I nag... Is there a way to communicate without sounding like you are nagging if you have to say it more than once?

InLove...sorry for highjacking!!!!:slap:


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## 2sick (Nov 5, 2010)

Runs like Dog said:


> If you treat me like I'm retarded I will leave it for your brilliant acumen to accomplish.


:rofl: yeah then I would have to kick their a$$es instead of nag!!!!:rofl:


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## squirrel211 (Sep 7, 2011)

2sick said:


> Ok Sorry, don't mean to nag... but still confused? you're saying you respect her because she is doing everything or that you respect her so you do?


I respect her more than the things that need to be done, so if they remain undone, I don't nag. I would rather our relationship stay strong than to have the floor cleaned up after her dog destroys a chew toy. I either leave it, or clean it up. No big deal, she (and her happiness, and consequently mine!) means more to me than having the toy cleaned up.


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## Darkhorse (Dec 3, 2011)

If it comes down to nagging, just do it yourself. Grown people know what they need to do. If they aren't doing it, have a discussion about household chores and leave it at that. If they can't pick up the slack, then...nagging won't make things better.

My mom was a nag. Holy crap. You couldn't fart sideways in the house without a comment from her. All.day.long...nag nag nag. She still nags...which is one reason I have basically cut her out of my life.


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## 2sick (Nov 5, 2010)

squirrel211 said:


> I respect her more than the things that need to be done, so if they remain undone, I don't nag. I would rather our relationship stay strong than to have the floor cleaned up after her dog destroys a chew toy. I either leave it, or clean it up. No big deal, she (and her happiness, and consequently mine!) means more to me than having the toy cleaned up.


LOL!!! Light bulb just went off! You don't nag her to KEEP a clean house! I'm sure she GREATLY appreciates that you don't nag and that you would clean it up!!!! TOOO funny! It never crossed my mind...What you are saying NOW makes absolute sense!!! 

I'm the one who keeps the house. I do most of the cleaning in the house and it becomes a pain in the A when the second after I've finished there's a shoe to trip on!

Again hilarious!! Nice to see things for the other point of view!


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

2sick said:


> Hey, if you know a secret that I don't for having people clean up after themselves without being told to do so PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE tell me....cause I would lOVE IT!!!!


My girls are very good at picking up after themselves. My youngest(8) has an OCD that everything needs to picked up and put in it's place. My 10 year old needs to be reminded once if her clothes ended up on the floor in the morning and she loves to help clean. My teenager(17), she is the one who helps me out the most with the cleaning(scrubbing floors, dishes, cleaning cabinets) and she is very good at it and organized.

I'm disabled, so they know I need help with the housework at times. I broke my neck nearly 4 years ago and I live in severe pain. I can still walk, but not very far and I need to rest my neck on ice most the day. I have a VERY supporting family. My husband is pretty good about picking up after himself. The worst he does is leave clothes on the bedroom floor after work, which I pick up the next morning to wash. If I need something done, I only need to ask once. My husband will do the dishes at times, but housework is not his thing. The kids and I do it all. My husband works 2 part time jobs on top of his full time job and he does all of the household shopping. My husband is also very athletic and works out 5-6 days a week. I do the best I can depending on the day and how I feel. 

What really helps is when I tell my husband how much I appreciate all the effort he puts into everything. I do this often. I thank him often. He always has put my needs before his. I do the same for the kids. The more I show appreciation, the more they willingly help me out. I'm very lucky to have such a great family.
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## Darkhorse (Dec 3, 2011)

To get people to clean up after themselves (children), it's quite simple. You say, "You have 5 minutes to clean up your crap from the living room or it goes in the trash."

They won't believe you the first time. Until their stuff disappears. lol. I have thrown toys away. I have thrown homework away. Oh well, i gave warning. Now, when I start my, "You have 5 minutes...." people come from everywhere to take their crap away.


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## 2sick (Nov 5, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I am not a nagger, BUT my husband always does what he is supposed to do, he is on top of things, no leaky roofs or pipes, or our car sitting up on blocks for days with him, he busts this butt. If not, I would be a bit**er, not much of a nagger, cause I get mad more than I whine like a little girl.
> 
> I can be demanding. But that is just me. He doesn't fault me for it, one of side benefits is ....I am demanding of myself also -so we both have our specific things we are responsible for, and we don't slack in getting them done. This makes for a smooth marriage.
> 
> ...


As usual a rational post for the rational poster!!! hehehehe :smnotworthy: I agree can't have or even expect perfection! Life would be sooo less complicated if everyone could just do their share...(Hehehe I guess from my frequent posting you can tell I'm not doing my share today!!! Rainy day and don't want to do anything but goof off and post on UNCOMPLICATED issues! Hell if a clean house was all to complain about I would be picking up after everyone til the cows come home!!!):rofl:


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## 2sick (Nov 5, 2010)

Darkhorse said:


> To get people to clean up after themselves (children), it's quite simple. You say, "You have 5 minutes to clean up your crap from the living room or it goes in the trash."
> 
> They won't believe you the first time. Until their stuff disappears. lol. I have thrown toys away. I have thrown homework away. Oh well, i gave warning. Now, when I start my, "You have 5 minutes...." people come from everywhere to take their crap away.


Thaaaat's nagging!?!?!?!?!?:lol:


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## Darkhorse (Dec 3, 2011)

2sick said:


> Thaaaat's nagging!?!?!?!?!?:lol:


No it's not.  Nagging is when you have to tell them over and over and over again. 

I stated this once in a calm matter. Not nagging.


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## 2sick (Nov 5, 2010)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> My girls are very good at picking up after themselves. My youngest(8) has an OCD that everything needs to picked up and put in it's place. My 10 year old needs to be reminded once if her clothes ended up on the floor in the morning and she loves to help clean. My teenager(17), she is the one who helps me out the most with the cleaning(scrubbing floors, dishes, cleaning cabinets) and she is very good at it and organized.
> 
> I'm disabled, so they know I need help with the housework at times. I broke my neck nearly 4 years ago and I live in severe pain. I can still walk, but not very far and I need to rest my neck on ice most the day. I have a VERY supporting family. My husband is pretty good about picking up after himself. The worst he does is leave clothes on the bedroom floor after work, which I pick up the next morning to wash. If I need something done, I only need to ask once. My husband will do the dishes at times, but housework is not his thing. The kids and I do it all. My husband works 2 part time jobs on top of his full time job and he does all of the household shopping. My husband is also very athletic and works out 5-6 days a week. I do the best I can depending on the day and how I feel.
> 
> ...


Yes I follow your post frequently and am always amazed by you!!! I don't complain too often but I too am disabled (well have MS and symptoms come and go) so when I just can't take it any more and just too tired, I nag...suppose it is a form of resentment and frustration! I'm thinking I'm the one who is not working at full capacity and seems to be able to everything around the house, why can't you just pick up after yourselves, put a dish in the sink (forget the dishwasher) !!! I've at least figured out get throw away plates, cups and cutlery!!!

That is so fantastic that your family is sooo thoughtful and I'm sure that helps A LOT!!


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## Darkhorse (Dec 3, 2011)

2sick...maybe have a family meeting. Tell your children your expectations. Write a chore list, etc. Then tell them the consequences. and FOLLOW THROUGH. Also, tell them rewards when they've done their chores without you nagging for 2 weeks (or whatever).

Much more productive and the kids will 'get it'.


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## 2sick (Nov 5, 2010)

Darkhorse said:


> No it's not.  Nagging is when you have to tell them over and over and over again.
> 
> I stated this once in a calm matter. Not nagging.


Well in that case I'm not tooo much of a nag based on your definition!!!


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## 2sick (Nov 5, 2010)

Darkhorse said:


> 2sick...maybe have a family meeting. Tell your children your expectations. Write a chore list, etc. Then tell them the consequences. and FOLLOW THROUGH. Also, tell them rewards when they've done their chores without you nagging for 2 weeks (or whatever).
> 
> Much more productive and the kids will 'get it'.


I've never made a chore list! Fantastic idea!!! will do!!!!

Thanks I'mInLove for letting me highjack your post...Kids probably won't be saying the same!!!!


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## CalifGuy (Nov 2, 2011)

Nagging is one of the sore spots of our marriage. Unfortunately, my DW feels the need not to tell me something once, not twice but, usually, three or four times. Worse yet, there is not even a gap between each time she tells me something but she tells me consecutively, even after when I try and stop her and tell her "OK! You've already told me twice just now, you don't need to tell me again!" and she STILL cannot help herself and will tell me once or twice more immediately after I say this.

Meanwhile, I feel like if I say anything a single time to her, it gets her defenses way up, or if she tells me something or asks me a question that is borderline offensive and my response is not sugar sweet then her defenses go waaaay up (for example, her asking me if I am secretly going somewhere with a woman...for example, I am going to a sporting event which I cover as media and she is not coming along, she'll ask me if I am taking so and so (usually a facebook friend who I have not seen in 20+ years but went to high school with and who occasionally comments on my posts).

Personally, I HATE HATE HATE nagging and I would be 10x more likely to "correct" my behavior if she just asked nicely than if she felt the need to $hit all over me. I feel like the patience I show her warrants a little patience on her end towards me. While I may not be johnny on the spot when it comes to household chores, part of the reason is her OCD doesn't allow it and forces her to either a) do everything herself or b) correct something that I just did, thus negating my effort.

She doesn't like it when I nag her to go to the gym or to give me a blowjob even if I mention it a single time yet she gives herself license to either nag me or tell me something so repeatedly that it amounts to nagging and then she acts totally surprised when I am butt hurt and our evening is ruined. Just happened last night when we couldn't agree on something that I said weeks ago and it led to me sleeping on the couch, leaving our bedroom where we retired to extra early for un-tired and overdue sex. Instead, I slept on the couch until 4:30am when I was awoken by my morning wood and only then was I able to put aside my hurt feelings to return to the bedroom and reconcile with her (reconciled down her throat TWICE...lol), although it was her actions that led to the conflict in the first place.


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## Darkhorse (Dec 3, 2011)

Sometimes, if I notice my husband not doing something that he knows he needs to do, I simply mention "you don't wanna do it, huh?  I wouldn't want to do it either. Sucks." LOL then we talk about why he doesn't want to (usually because he's tired, or whatever) and we do it together. I never have to tell him what to do. Sometimes I ask him for favors, but he does the same with me. I feel blessed to have someone like him--- a man of his word....it's one of the reasons I fell in love with him


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

Your not alone. I advise you to make a recording and get her to listen to herself. They sometimes just dont realise how often they say it.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> We need to be thankful for what our spouses do, and be balanced in what we expect of them- what they are capable of doing -given the context of a day, and what we have done -to help them -that day as well.


I couldn't agree with you more.

One really nice thing between my husband and I is that neither of us have any expectations of each other. I guess you could call that balanced. What we do is on our own accord. Saying thank you even for the simple everyday things really goes a long way. I even wrote my husband a surprise appreciation letter for all his effort. He was so touched by my letter.
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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> I couldn't agree with you more.
> 
> One really nice thing between my husband and I is that neither of us have any expectations of each other. I guess you could call that balanced. What we do is on our own accord. Saying thank you even for the simple everyday things really goes a long way. I even wrote my husband a surprise appreciation letter for all his effort. He was so touched by my letter.


You are always so light hearted and sweet in everything you say. 

I personally could never say I don't have ANY expectations, that would just not be true, they are definitely there, but since he always does his part, as yours does, and so willingly -it has just never been an issue. I am terribly grateful that he isn't putting me in the position to resort to getting upset over these things. 

That is very beautiful to take the time to write a letter of appreciaton like that, that you recognize all that he does for you. I have done something like that before, but not for what he does around the house, more for what he does in the bedroom. Ha ha It was a doooosy ! I better hope my kids never come across that one!


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

2sick said:


> :rofl: yeah then I would have to kick their a$$es instead of nag!!!!:rofl:


You can try. We don't have 'supervisors' here. As soon as management starts trying to tell me what to do how to do it, when, that's when I throw down my tools and go full on job action!

Take your complaints up with the shop steward.


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