# "The children are resilient"



## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

Where the f*ck does this phrase come from and how did it make into the cheater's script? What does it mean exactly? Does it just mean "they'll get through this", as in will break their hearts but it won't kill them?

Denying empathy towards the BS is one thing, but to one's own children? I have yet to see a WS remark in detail on this statement.


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## sh987 (Oct 10, 2013)

If you're selfish enough to cheat on your spouse, it's probably not that far of a drop to negate the feelings of the betrayed children.

Yup: betrayed. It's not just the spouse that gets cheated on.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

This phrase translates to: "I am happy in my affair, so my children can kiss my hairy rear!"
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

I don't know if they actually believe that (dumb) or if it's more lies and justification (devious). My stbxw spewed the same ****e. "They're strong blah blah". (I don't think knows what "resilient" means...not in her limited vocabulary). 

The other day, when we were arguing about something dumb she had done, she told me to basically "get over it". I asked her "Do you really believe your actions only affected me?". Her answer: "No but I can't change the past, I can only look to the future".

I swear to Christ, there actually must be a real cheater's script they follow. It's ALL the same bullsh*t they spew.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

staystrong said:


> I have yet to see a WS remark in detail on this statement.


Let me save them the trouble:

"I can't change the past".


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Collateral damage. It happens often enough even when there isn't cheating or even divorce for other reasons, if the marriage is dysfunctional. No matter how it comes about, it's sad, of course. Better if it could be prevented whatsoever, but human nature being what it is, that won't happen. Dismissing it isn't right, either, but I suspect it's a defense mechanism to lessen guilt feelings.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

It's mind-blowing to me. It's one of those things I still can't get past. 

Betraying me.. yes, I have a lot of anger about that. The disrespect is towards me as a mate. But glossing over the effect an affair and divorce would have on the children the WS so much claims to love and care for? Mind blowing. "Well, they will see that I'm happy so that's good for them." The whole world apparently revolves around how the WS feels.

Sorry, just venting I guess. But young children don't get much of a chance to do the 180, do they?


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

Healer said:


> Let me save them the trouble:
> 
> "I can't change the past".


Those exact words were spoken.

"I can't change the past (so therefore I must forgive myself)."


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

"I'm not going to worry about the effect that my marriage- and family-destroying behavior might have on my children because they'll bounce back as if nothing ever happened."


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

I think a thread which has good responses to the cheater's script would be of use. Response which gets WS thinking while not putting them on the defensive. If that's even possible.


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## maincourse99 (Aug 15, 2012)

ExW got in a snit about D12 being disrespectful to her. I told her, maybe she has a bit of resentment? She thought for a minute "yeah, she probably hates me." 

Deep down, they know what they've done.


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## SpinDaddy (Nov 12, 2012)

My signature line below pretty much sums up my thinking there.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

maincourse99 said:


> Deep down, they know what they've done.


Do they? Is my stbxww lying to herself when she constantly calls herself a "great mother"? Does she really believe it? Because by definition, a mother who tears her children's family and lives apart by way of spreading for another man, is a *terrible mother* (same goes for cheating fathers, of course).


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

Healer said:


> Do they? Is my stbxww lying to herself when she constantly calls herself a "great mother"? Does she really believe it? Because by definition, a mother who tears her children's family and lives apart by way of spreading for another man, is a *terrible mother* (same goes for cheating fathers, of course).


The selfishness of the cheater shows up again in this context. The "great parent" sees his/her greatness very narrowly in terms of their performance. "It's what I do for my child that matters." What they do to other people who are just as important to the child does not.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

When a person is so wrapped up in their own personal feelings and desires that nothing else matters, they start saying things that don’t make any sense in light of truth. They believe their own lies in order to continue what they are doing and to justify their lack of concern for anyone else. It is all about their own feelings. Anyone who gets into the way of how they feel is the real problem, in their minds, because they have made a whole mirage around themselves. They have created an alternate universe that they think they can impose on others, but those around them can clearly see the delusion they are living in. The whole problem is that they have let themselves fall into a completely self-centered universe and they fail to recognize that it isn’t real and other people will not live there with them, except maybe the other person involved in their lie.


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## maincourse99 (Aug 15, 2012)

Do they? Is my stbxww lying to herself when she constantly calls herself a "great mother"? Does she really believe it? Because by definition, a mother who tears her children's family and lives apart by way of spreading for another man, is a *terrible mother* (same goes for cheating fathers, of course).


Maybe a very small minority have deluded themselves. I believe the vast majority realize that tearing a family apart, especially by committing adultery is quite harmful to children.


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## sh987 (Oct 10, 2013)

Both of my parents ran around on each other. Truth be told, I'm the product of a relationship my mother had when she left my father for an EA she was in...

During my teen years, I bore remarkable hostility towards them over it (plus, the household was one of constant screaming, yelling, cursing, throwing things, breaking all of the dishes, etc, etc, etc).

I love them, but I've never respected the way they behaved.

***
Forgot to add:

After I was conceived by my mother's EA partner (a violent alcoholic freshly out of a long stint in prison) my mother went back to my father before my birth. They had a (what I can now see as a) false reconciliation. He agreed to drop his woman on the side and she agreed to do the same with my biological father. Both agreed that the situation would never be mentioned again, but the wounded feelings were still clearly there for both of them.

They stayed together for ten years of horror show, before finally calling it quits.

I'll let you guys guess for yourselves how it affected my brother and I. We're resilient in that we survived it, but there's no way that we were better off for them being such sh!tty spouses and parents.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

I didn’t get that “the kids are resilient” thing. My WW was too far over that edge. She was more like “I don’t understand why this would have an impact on them! That’s my private life and doesn’t concern them or you!”


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

staystrong said:


> I think *a thread which has good responses to the cheater's script would be of use*. Response which gets WS thinking while not putting them on the defensive. If that's even possible.


:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Racer said:


> “I don’t understand why this would have an impact on them! That’s my private life and doesn’t concern them or *you*!”


YOU!!! My


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

CynthiaDe said:


> When a person is so wrapped up in their own personal feelings and desires that nothing else matters, they start saying things that don’t make any sense in light of truth. They believe their own lies in order to continue what they are doing and to justify their lack of concern for anyone else. It is all about their own feelings. Anyone who gets into the way of how they feel is the real problem, in their minds, because they have made a whole mirage around themselves. They have created an alternate universe that they think they can impose on others, but those around them can clearly see the delusion they are living in. The whole problem is that they have let themselves fall into a completely self-centered universe and they fail to recognize that it isn’t real and other people will not live there with them, except maybe the other person involved in their lie.


Yes.

My stbx never gave a thought to the kids, nor to me. He was so deep into his cake eating alternate reality that he just never thought he would get caught, and if he did, I would roll over. He had last sight of all reality and the woman he had married.

Children are resilient. Some more so than others. To test their resiliency in this manner is horrid though. My children are doing the 180 on their father. My daughter wants to change her last name to mine. Both feel betrayed and see him as the ultimate hypocrite. And they are correct.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

I have spoken directly with man people who are in this situation on both sides and yes, the cheater really believes their own lies. Recently I spoke to an uncle who had been married for over 30 years to a lovely woman. The stuff he said to me was truly crazy. I was trying to understand what on earth happened to him and it was the same self-centered, all about his feelings and lack of self-control that I have heard from others. They lose their ability to think right.
It is terribly damaging to children, even adult children.
It is unfortunate that this is not uncommon. It is the new normal.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

staystrong said:


> Where the f*ck does this phrase come from and how did it make into the cheater's script?


It means her rationalization hamster is justifying sacrificing the maximization of her children's future in favor of maximizing her short term orgasmic bliss.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

sh987 said:


> Both of my parents ran around on each other. Truth be told, I'm the product of a relationship my mother had when she left my father for an EA she was in...
> 
> During my teen years, I bore remarkable hostility towards them over it (plus, the household was one of constant screaming, yelling, cursing, throwing things, breaking all of the dishes, etc, etc, etc).
> 
> ...


Wow, I'm sorry you went through that. Thanks for sharing.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

Fenix said:


> Yes.
> 
> My stbx never gave a thought to the kids, nor to me. He was so deep into his cake eating alternate reality that he just never thought he would get caught, and if he did, I would roll over. He had last sight of all reality and the woman he had married.
> 
> Children are resilient. Some more so than others. To test their resiliency in this manner is horrid though. My children are doing the 180 on their father. My daughter wants to change her last name to mine. Both feel betrayed and see him as the ultimate hypocrite. And they are correct.


My kids are 9 and 6, they were 8 and 5 on dday/when she left me. They are very smart kids, and I know they know more than they let on - they never, ever ask me about it. My daughter talked about it a little at first (do you miss mommy? etc), my son, nothing. And now, nothing from either. He knows on some level, but...

I'm torn between wanting them to know what she did and who's responsible for the decimation of their family, but the other part of me wants to protect them from knowing their mother is a cheating pos who threw us all away for some thug ****.

I wonder what will happen in the future, and what it will mean for/to them, and my stbxw and her relationship with them.


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## ImaBasketcase (Oct 9, 2012)

I hate this phrase with the heat of a thousand burning suns.

Yes kids are resilient. They adapt to difficult circumstances that are forced upon them because they have no choice.

You know who else is resilient? People with Stockholm Syndrome. 

DOESN'T MAKE IT RIGHT.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

ImaBasketcase said:


> I hate this phrase with the heat of a thousand burning suns.
> 
> Yes kids are resilient. They adapt to difficult circumstances that are forced upon them because they have no choice.
> 
> ...


Great post, and it made me laugh.


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## EI (Jun 12, 2012)

I was the WS in my marriage....... a mother of 5 grown children, and a 2 y/o grandson, who is rolling his toy cars up and down my leg as I type. I'm sitting on the couch with my husband and we are 20 months into reconciliation? We're watching the Olympics and our grandson is having a sleepover with us, his MiMi and PaPa. 

This thread is absolutely heartbreaking. I often wonder what anyone could have said to me to reach me, 3 years ago, before I started my A. This thread........ I wish I had read this thread.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

EI said:


> I was the WS in my marriage....... a mother of 5 grown children, and a 2 y/o grandson, who is rolling his toy cars up and down my leg as I type. I'm sitting on the couch with my husband and we are 20 months into reconciliation? We're watching the Olympics and our grandson is having a sleepover with us, his MiMi and PaPa.
> 
> This thread is absolutely heartbreaking. I often wonder what anyone could have said to me to reach me, 3 years ago, before I started my A. This thread........ I wish I had read this thread.


I was thinking about this subject today before I saw this thread.

I am going to tell some of my story. I will start a thread on Saturday. I will probably call it "Legacy".


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

Healer said:


> My kids are 9 and 6, they were 8 and 5 on dday/when she left me. They are very smart kids, and I know they know more than they let on - they never, ever ask me about it. My daughter talked about it a little at first (do you miss mommy? etc), my son, nothing. And now, nothing from either. He knows on some level, but...
> 
> I'm torn between wanting them to know what she did and who's responsible for the decimation of their family, but the other part of me wants to protect them from knowing their mother is a cheating pos who threw us all away for some thug ****.
> 
> I wonder what will happen in the future, and what it will mean for/to them, and my stbxw and her relationship with them.


I think yours are too young to know, except in the most basic terms. Mine are teenagers (15 & 16). They know their dad cheated, but they don't know the specifics. I do think they know more than they let on though.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Relatively speaking, children are powerless & as such are easy to ignore for people who are intent on the paths they've chosen for themselves. It's my experience that people who are focused on their own gratification consign their children's thoughts/feelings/psyches to a two-dimensional background. They really fade them out.

They salve whatever conscience they have about this by saying, 'the kids are resilient.' Selfish. Neglectful.


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## cbnero (Dec 6, 2013)

My wayward delusional cheating lying gaslighting stbxw said to me: "My parents were divorced and I turned out fine!"

No joke, she said it. 

The kids (b6, g3) are a freaking disaster depressed mess. 

Ummm.... yeah.... 

Kids are the true victims. If you don't see that, you don't deserve to have them. Period.

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

cbnero said:


> My wayward delusional cheating lying gaslighting stbxw said to me: "My parents were divorced and I turned out fine!"
> 
> No joke, she said it.


Mine said the same. 

Her father left her mother for another woman when my Ex was 5 years old.

Ex saw her dad every other weekend. Her father something of an egoist. He went on to be successful professionally, and had a child with OW (.. a smart but emotionally immature child). Ex's mom raised her and the two siblings, and basically sacrificed all so that she could raise them with love. No time to date, not much time for herself. Meanwhile, the father asks his children to not let the mom know how much he was making because he needed to save for retirement. (Hmm.. He has a penthouse apartment, a summer place he rents out, a boat, a nice car, a motorcycle, etc.). Ex has always felt unworthy in terms of father's standards of material success. She suffered from anorexia-bulimia when she was younger. She's had more than one affair in her past. 

Amazingly, she believes her dad when he says he was not physical with OW before he left her mom. Denial, denial, denial on so many levels. It's painful because she has so many amazing qualities but does not truly see the effect her dad's infidelity and subsequent separation has had on her. After our separation, she said to her own mom, "I guess I'm my father's daughter". What a terrible thing to bond over. 

And now our daughter's are at risk of repeating their mother's mistakes. It's just the way it works.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Sure they are "resilient" and they "adapt to the new situation"

The WW sees a lovely new normal where everyone is happy. It goes a it like this.
One day, between vacations in Fiji , you all come to their house overlooking the ocean for a a casual lunch...

Your lovely new girlfriend and you (honestly she must be a bit desperate) arrive at the new beach house with you. Your 15 year old Hyundai makes a rather desperate lunge at the steep driveway before you prudently decide to park at the bottom of the hill. 
You all walk up admiring the splendid white modern home perched on the hill.

His slightly frumpy older Ex Wife is there already improbably dressed in white (what is she thinking) 
She gazes at the sea from the deck. Laughing at her Ex Husband jokes. 

She waves at she sees you all striding up the hill with your girlfriends kids in tow. Luckily it was her weekend with the kids! 

Your kids area already at the beach house and run down the hill to meet you excitingly showing you the snorkel equipment worthy of Jack Cousteau bought that day for the occasion.

His wife's kids are a little older and are happy to remain in the media room occasionally surfacing to offer more canapés. 

Vegemite sandwiches for the little ones.

All the young ones run down the old stairs to the beach, the happy laughter of the children in the shallow water is carried by the warm breeze up to the cantilevered balcony where you have settled in together.


The wine flows and in a almost imperceptible break in the animated intellectual conversations 
The AP smiles as he pours the second glass of Moscato. 
Everyone breaks into spontaneous laughter at the strange turn of events which led us here.. Life is good

Alternatively..


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## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

> My wayward delusional cheating lying gaslighting stbxw said to me: "My parents were divorced and I turned out fine!"


I heard this too from my XWW. I was so shocked that I was speechless. I simply could not process what I had just heard.

What I should have responded with was...

Ya, you turned out just fine. You are a divorced mother of 3 children by two different fathers because you cheated on your husband (me) and destroyed our marriage. Your oldest son is 20, unemployed, and lives with you because of the example you have shown him in life. You are a habitual lair. You are a thief. You are selfish, self-centered, entitled, arrogant, and stubborn. You have major conflict avoidance issues. You are emotionally immature and have the coping skills of a 9 year old. You can only find part time work and cant afford to pay your bills...mostly because you are lazy. Our two children live with me 75% of the time because they see through your bull****.


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## sh987 (Oct 10, 2013)

Healer said:


> Wow, I'm sorry you went through that. Thanks for sharing.


Well, there's greater tragedies happening in people's live every day, so I try not to dwell on the negatives at this stage of my life. Once upon a time, though, especially through my teen years, I resented the hell out of them. I resented the cheating, the fighting, and (especially during the fighting) the airing of the dirty laundry between them. An argument about my father getting home late from work without calling could go something like:

Dad: Oh jesus. I stopped at the mess to have a beer with the guys. What the hell?
Mom: Well, I don't think a call would be too much to ask for.

Honestly, within a few minutes it often gave way to insults about how sh!tty the other was, "Try not fvck any women next time you're out!", "Maybe you should get a job, so I don't have to worry about you getting knocked up by some other f'ing loser!", etc... Cue my mother throwing whatever was on hand at him, smashing things (lamps, dishes, you name it), him screaming some more, and finally him leaving to stay in the garage until bed time. How they ever got around to thinking it would be good to have another kid is beyond me.

It sucked, and like I said, I was quite angry for a long time. I had zero respect for them or trust in them.

But! I grew up. And, if nothing else, it gave me an idea of how I could conduct myself: the complete opposite of either of them. I've not been a perfect husband, but nothing which begins to approach those two.

---

For what it's worth, after two more failed marriages, my father had heavy duty counseling and really took a look at his life. Decided he wasn't marriage material. A number of years ago, during a visit here, he apologized for all of that, and said he hopes to prove himself better to me. Said he can't have another crack at raising me, but wants to be there for help and advice, and to be a better man for my kids.

And, he's been good. So, I'll take that.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Healer said:


> My kids are 9 and 6, they were 8 and 5 on dday/when she left me. They are very smart kids, and I know they know more than they let on - they never, ever ask me about it. My daughter talked about it a little at first (do you miss mommy? etc), my son, nothing. And now, nothing from either. He knows on some level, but...
> 
> I'm torn between wanting them to know what she did and who's responsible for the decimation of their family, but the other part of me wants to protect them from knowing their mother is a cheating pos who threw us all away for some thug ****.
> 
> I wonder what will happen in the future, and what it will mean for/to them, and my stbxw and her relationship with them.


They already know.
Don't ever lie to them. They need to have one parent they actually trust. They might have a decent relationship with Mom, but that is entirely on her.


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## tdwal (Jul 28, 2012)

Children are so very perceptive, they pick up a lot more than we realize. They may not understand what they pick up and that leads to a lot of confusion to them and can ingrain them with issues that will be with them a lifetime. I think your better to talk to the children and tell them the truth in a way they can best understand it.


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

Healer said:


> Do they? Is my stbxww lying to herself when she constantly calls herself a "great mother"? Does she really believe it? Because by definition, a mother who tears her children's family and lives apart by way of spreading for another man, is a *terrible mother* (same goes for cheating fathers, of course).


Now that my children are adults and have many accomplishments I reflect on what could have been.

Now I know their successes would not be possible if I continued my POS ways.

55


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

My son, despite my efforts to be the "food police" went from an athlete to a forty pound overweight chubby kid in the year and a half after D-Day. He made suicide threats at age eight. He swears like a sailor. He had Ds and C-s all over his report cards last year. He has had angry outburts and has been violent towards me as a result of the affair and it's aftermath. But it's starting to get better slowly. Now that is resilience! 

Just because someone can survive something doesn't mean they should be forced to. I would never allow anyone to inflict pain on my kids. I protect my kids from bad people. Now, what am I to do when the perpetrator is the "World's Best Dad"?


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

I still remember when WS was deep in the "fog". One of the things he said to our son to make the separation sound good is that now he could finally get a dog when mom and the boys moved to a new apartment that allows pets. What a relief that was. 

"The family is broken but hey! You can get that dog you've always wanted. Doesn't that feel better?"


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## wilderness (Jan 9, 2013)

This is what happens when people make themselves their own gods.


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## brokeneric (Jan 27, 2014)

I suffered. Now my kids suffer.


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

brokeneric said:


> I suffered. Now my kids suffer.





Part of me wishes I had had the strength to suck it up and not let the kids know why the marriage was breaking up. I suffered and now, they suffer. And they will suffer a lot longer than I will.

Yes, the choice to betray the family was his choice. I just wish that I could have protected the kids from knowing what an absolute **** their dad was/is. They will carry this knowledge the rest of their lives...long after I have moved on.

I tell myself that the kids had had enough lies and they would have found out anyway. And this is all true. But, my main motivation for telling them was a selfish one. I could not have taken it if they had rejected me. I was the disciplinarian, the tough one, the one who made and held the boundaries. I was the rock and the one that they would express anger to. He was the good time dad, always traveling, never the one who had to deal with the daily confrontations. It was a danger, in my mind, that they would blame me for the break up. And that, I could not have taken along with everything else.

So, I carry guilt. They were/are there for me 100%. Now, that I am doing better, my daughter is showing the signs of loss, anger and grief. She is starting to crack. I guess it is her turn. Next, may be my son. It just burns me up that they have to go through this.


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## martyc47 (Oct 20, 2011)

I'm pretty sure I read this exact quote from one of those authors (it seemed like a trend after "Eat, Pray, Love"- at least she had the decency to not have kids) who decided to write about leaving her husband publicly (and probably all about her new pathetic sex life, as these things go). It's always about how the kids will be "better off" once one of the parents is free to be a middle-aged teenager. Or if they aren't "better off," I suppose they will be OK...because kids are resilient.


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