# When to let go?



## Daylilly27 (May 1, 2020)

My husband and I have been separated for 8 weeks. He was living in a temporary situation with basically no furniture on an air mattress. I honestly was surprised he lasted that long with so little things. He has plenty of money to furnish the place and could have taken some stuff from our home. I honestly saw it as a sign that he wouldn’t be gone long. He left telling me he didn’t want divorce. Told me last week that he’s going to start looking at apartments, one of the reasons as he wants our daughter to stay with him. We talked about it, seemed hesitant on signing a long-term lease. I suggested why didn’t he just move furniture from our house over to his temporary situation. He later came to me saying he was considering that now and thanked me for that, and that he would come to get stuff. I left the house when he got here today to move stuff. I couldn’t even look him in the eye. Because I felt like I was going to fall apart. Sad part is I feel like he feels hurt himself and bad about the whole situation. But he won’t work on things. He says this is just who he is now. I walked in the door tonight And that empty pit in my stomach just came back. Seeing empty places were his things were just gutted me. He took our guest bed, his desk,a tv, and a chair and a few other smaller things. It just feels like this is just pushing towards divorce more. I do work on myself. I do take time for myself, hobbies, I am a very involved mother and love my daughter to death. I know I need to stay strong for her, and I am. But I love my husband dearly too. He just isnt himself right now. His friends and family members that know about the situation have also noted that he’s not himself. I just don’t know when I could or should move on? Do I wait until everything is official? 

I have good days and bad days. I have days where I reflect on our marriage,I see things that I didn’t see before he left. Him distancing himself more and not seeming as interested in our marriage. But I also still felt loved and appreciated by him. I felt like we were a family, that we were friends, that we were committed to each other. It’s very hard for me to be alone, it’s very isolating on top of all of this quarantine. Everyday at some point just feels like a bad dream. I just don’t know how we got here. I’m facing the reality as well. I know that I’m bettering myself for either outcome that this ends up being. I just love him and don’t want our family broken up. I at least want to say we tried, went to therapy, etc. I feel like I don’t even have answers on why he left. Don’t I deserve that at the very least? I go back-and-forth between being angry, devastated, and feeling dumb for holding on. I know sometimes separations last for a while. Neither of us are in a rush to file for divorce, or so we have both said. But it all just seems like it’s taking its time getting down the road to that. I worry if I move on now. My heart won’t be open for him if his heart changes his mind.


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## Xavi3di4 (May 17, 2020)

Daylilly27 said:


> My husband and I have been separated for 8 weeks. He was living in a temporary situation with basically no furniture on an air mattress. I honestly was surprised he lasted that long with so little things. He has plenty of money to furnish the place and could have taken some stuff from our home. I honestly saw it as a sign that he wouldn’t be gone long. He left telling me he didn’t want divorce. Told me last week that he’s going to start looking at apartments, one of the reasons as he wants our daughter to stay with him. We talked about it, seemed hesitant on signing a long-term lease. I suggested why didn’t he just move furniture from our house over to his temporary situation. He later came to me saying he was considering that now and thanked me for that, and that he would come to get stuff. I left the house when he got here today to move stuff. I couldn’t even look him in the eye. Because I felt like I was going to fall apart. Sad part is I feel like he feels hurt himself and bad about the whole situation. But he won’t work on things. He says this is just who he is now. I walked in the door tonight And that empty pit in my stomach just came back. Seeing empty places were his things were just gutted me. He took our guest bed, his desk,a tv, and a chair and a few other smaller things. It just feels like this is just pushing towards divorce more. I do work on myself. I do take time for myself, hobbies, I am a very involved mother and love my daughter to death. I know I need to stay strong for her, and I am. But I love my husband dearly too. He just isnt himself right now. His friends and family members that know about the situation have also noted that he’s not himself. I just don’t know when I could or should move on? Do I wait until everything is official?
> 
> I have good days and bad days. I have days where I reflect on our marriage,I see things that I didn’t see before he left. Him distancing himself more and not seeming as interested in our marriage. But I also still felt loved and appreciated by him. I felt like we were a family, that we were friends, that we were committed to each other. It’s very hard for me to be alone, it’s very isolating on top of all of this quarantine. Everyday at some point just feels like a bad dream. I just don’t know how we got here. I’m facing the reality as well. I know that I’m bettering myself for either outcome that this ends up being. I just love him and don’t want our family broken up. I at least want to say we tried, went to therapy, etc. I feel like I don’t even have answers on why he left. Don’t I deserve that at the very least? I go back-and-forth between being angry, devastated, and feeling dumb for holding on. I know sometimes separations last for a while. Neither of us are in a rush to file for divorce, or so we have both said. But it all just seems like it’s taking its time getting down the road to that. I worry if I move on now. My heart won’t be open for him if his heart changes his mind.


Awe I’m so sorry. Im in the same boat. I miss him and he’s moving out in 2 weeks, but we constantly argued over money, him not lifting a finger around the house and his negativity. He never wanted to see a counselor and finally went on antidepressants. My heart hurts, but I asked for the divorce so I could have some sanity. Hearing someone complain all the time instead of being thankful for the little things was killing and draining my soul. I too have good and bad days. I know it gets better in time as I had my heart broken before. Hugs my friend. Xavi


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## stratdude (May 15, 2020)

I'm going to tell you something. I read your post, and I see we have a lot in common. We have the same fears and the same desires. We have a spouse that doesn't know what they want, and we want to do whatever it takes to work things out. If you are like me, you wouldn't have imagined in a million years your spouse doing this to you. We want things to work out, and we want things to be "good" again. I read your post, and my gut tells me you should realize you don't deserve this and someone out there will treat you better. It would be better to live alone than with someone who makes you feel so bad. As I read your post, it makes me think the same thing about myself. This site is full of people who refuse to give up, and so many of them carry on and on and on and on, with hope, when we all truly know there is someone else out there who wouldn't do this to us. Yes, we are scared. Of course. And when the voices in our head start giving us scenarios, it drives us crazy and makes us spiral out of control, as we think about them being happy with someone else. The reality is, even though we don't want to believe it now, we KNOW we will be better in time. Maybe a few months. Maybe a year, Maybe two. Two years goes by in a flash, so worst case scenario, we are still past it at some point. I'm not saying you should give up, but I am saying we should not be the only one trying.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Daylilly27 said:


> I just don’t know when I could or should move on?


The sooner, the better. My advice is 

*THE 180*



Daylilly27 said:


> Do I wait until everything is official?


No. To steal a phrase, TODAY is the first day of the rest of your life. Go ahead and live it. Your husband will do what he wants, ultimately, and you cannot change him.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

stratdude said:


> I'm not saying you should give up, but I am saying we should not be the only one trying.


Can I be candid ?

It is true that you "should not" be the only one trying. But the fact is, you are.
Neither am I saying you "should" give up.

However, I am a pragmatist. I don't worry about "should", I do what WORKS.
Continuing to hold on DOESN'T WORK.

"Should" is a theory.

Albert Einstein:

_In theory, theory and practice are the same. In practice, they are not._


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

When did you notice his behavior change? Did he act / dress different? Those are signs of a possible EA / PA.

No matter what he does / says.... you must prepare yourself to move on with your life.

It is NOT your job to make him happy. That is HIS job. Relying on others to make one happy is a road to misery.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

My suggestion is that you file for divorce. I know it’s not what you want, but you need to protect yourself and your daughter. He will leave you in limbo forever if you don’t take control for yourself. Also you may be able to take advantage of his current state of mind with the terms and settlement if you move quickly. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Daylilly27 (May 1, 2020)

Chuck71 said:


> When did you notice his behavior change? Did he act / dress different? Those are signs of a possible EA / PA.
> 
> No matter what he does / says.... you must prepare yourself to move on with your life.
> 
> It is NOT your job to make him happy. That is HIS job. Relying on others to make one happy is a road to misery.


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## Daylilly27 (May 1, 2020)

He came to be in December about this. Said he feels differently and he didn’t know why. Felt lost, not like himself, and little things about me bothered him now. We Tried to put work in on our own- date nights, what I thought was better communication. Finally marriage counseling at beginning of March and he said he’s unhappy and moving out was the only option. After 2 joint sessions and an individual session for both of us, our therapist suggested he needs to talk to someone on his own. She spoke to me and privately saying that he’s having difficulty opening up and feels like he’s been not having a voice. Possible depression. Since he’s been gone though I feel like the isolation has made things worse on him. He still tells me he’s confused sometimes.
My mind goes to him having a affair. I’ve asked him if that is why he wants to leave, he’s told me no. I also have no evidence of this and have access to several things that could give me clues.


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## Daylilly27 (May 1, 2020)

3Xnocharm said:


> My suggestion is that you file for divorce. I know it’s not what you want, but you need to protect yourself and your daughter. He will leave you in limbo forever if you don’t take control for yourself. Also you may be able to take advantage of his current state of mind with the terms and settlement if you move quickly.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Daylilly27 (May 1, 2020)

That’s the debate. Right now he does seem like he’s in a fog, he’s even told me that I could have the house. Who knows if he really means that. My fear is if he saw numbers and was already wrapped up in his newfound life, he would change his mind. But the fog he’s in also gives me hope some days. I know. But I can’t fully let that hope go. Already not now.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

If he’s having an affair (who knows), he wouldn’t be likely to tell you the truth so you need to be skeptical of what he says. Focus on making your life better and don’t obsess about what he’s doing, or spend your time waiting for him, because that’s not something you can control. Move on with your life.


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## clb0208 (Aug 15, 2011)

Reading your story could be a page out of my diary. I was saying nearly the same thing about 3 years ago when my husband at the time decided it was time for a divorce. I was blindsided. I told myself the similar theories of "he is just going through some things.... mid-life crisis? mental breakdown?" I tried to reassure myself with "He has to come to his senses and come home.... he loves me... he loves the kids... he has nowhere to go". Being now 3 years on the other side of that overwhelming fog of confusion and pain, I can offer you a few things that I learned. 

1. This is not a something that just suddenly occurred to your husband. You want to think that this is not who he is and that he will return to the man that he really is, but it is possible that he has thought long and hard about this decision for months, maybe years. My ex-husband had dealt with depression and unhappiness with our life for a long time before I was fully aware. He put on a happy face for the outside world, which I mistook as his real self. I kept thinking that he would return because he loved me, but in reality he did not return (perhaps because he loved me). Our marriage was not fulfilling and I was in a haze of "we can fix this", unable to see that maybe it should not be fixed after all. It would have been easy for him to return and continue pretending that our marriage was perfect, even though neither of us was getting what we deserved.
2. You need to see a therapist. Someone who can help you sort out your real feelings about the matter. Not the knee-jerk reaction we experience at the first blow of this life shattering event. I saw a therapist, who initially I hoped would rebuild my marriage through couples counseling, but who eventually helped me wade through the emotional waves of distress until I found myself content with moving on alone. It was me who ultimately asked my husband for a divorce after he left and then moved back in upon my request. I came to the conclusion that I was being shortsighted in trying to save a marriage on life-support and was doing so for the completely wrong reasons. You need to build tools that until now have never been needed. Tools of self reflection and rebuilding. You will need them no matter which way your marriage falls. 
3. You have lost the marriage that you knew. That marriage is OVER, so move on to the grieving process and deal with the onslaught of emotions. Even if your husband comes back, you will NEVER have the trust you felt when you said "I do". He has left you vulnerable in a time of need for whatever reason, which is breaking a the entire covenant of marriage. This is not a thought that is easily suppressed. You may feel that everything is perfectly fine for a short period after reconciliation, but this will continue to creep in and haunt your thoughts for a long time to come. 
4. You need to move on TODAY. This does not mean that you should get to work on your dating profile. You need to build yourself up. You need to plan for your future starting today. If this means creating a new budget, sorting out new career goals that you didn't have to think about, looking into school to support those goals, or finding hobbies to fill your free time, you should start right now. A lot of my anxiety came from the unknown. When I started putting together a picture of how my life would look without him, I began feeling more comfortable with the idea. Being proactive will help build your confidence. 
5. Embrace the pain and remember it. It will come to empower you when you are on the other side. I look back on that time in my life and honestly feel like if I made it through that then I can make it through anything. It was literally like walking through fire, and now I feel somewhat untouchable. When your daughter is able to comprehend what you are going through, she will eventually use that to empower herself too.

I am so sorry that you are going through this. I, like you, am a fixer. I thought I could fix everything if he would just let me. But the truth is you can't. And honestly, you shouldn't want to. If he does not want to fix things, you will eventually thank him for letting you go. You will be happy again, perhaps happier than you ever thought was possible, but you have to give yourself a chance by letting go. Good luck to you.


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## Daylilly27 (May 1, 2020)

Thank you so much for the response. I appreciate you taking the time to make me feel like I’m not alone in this. The whole situation seems surreal. Even when I tell close friends and family nobody can believe it and nobody can understand. Even our couples therapist who we saw a few times, said this isn’t a normal type of situation. That it’s hard to understand for even her why this is happening.
My husband hasn’t been diagnosed with depression, or at least that I know of officially. Are a couple therapist who I talk to him a couple times on his own recommended him see a therapist and told me that it possibly could be depression. He is seeing a therapist every other week currently. Since I wrote this he really does shuts down and isolates himself especially with the current situation with covid. He hung out with a couple of close friends a week or so ago and they told me he seems very off.

If you don’t mind me asking. How was your husband officially diagnosed with depression? Did he see therapist? Did you all see couples counseling? Did he ever snap out of the situation? Talk to you about how he felt then?

I am at the point now where I know our marriage will never be the same. I know I can move on from this and grow. I appreciate your confidence in me and I definitely see that as a viable option.


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## clb0208 (Aug 15, 2011)

My ex husband was never "officially"diagnosed with depression, mainly because he has not really sought out a diagnosis through a practitioner. However, he has a strong family history of depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder and substance abuse. He has recently accepted that he may have difficulty with depression but is still struggling with seeking help. We went to couples counseling a hand full of times, but he was unwilling to make any real changes that were suggested by the therapist. He later went to individual counseling about a year after finalizing our divorce, mainly because he was having difficulties in his new relationship.

He never "snapped out of it"... I will say we did have a couple of other times during our marriage where we had similar issues and he did come back asking for forgiveness. This is why I say that these feelings never really go away. We went to couples counseling about 6 years ago after we first discussed the possibility of separating and I thought we had sorted a lot of our issues out. But he never was truly able to resolve his issues and I was better able to truly resolve my resentment for feeling abandoned and vulnerable. We just swept them under the rug for a few years until they resurfaced. By the time he ever discussed his feelings it was too late, and usually it was because I pulled the conversation out of him.


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## FamilyMan216 (Apr 1, 2020)

I feel your pain. I am going through it currently with my wife who left 3.5 months ago. She was diagnosed with depression back in September, but refused treatment. I am blamed for her leaving. The weekend she left, we argued because she came in twice around 3 am drunk. I emphasized how disrespectful it was to my 2 daughters and I. There has been minimal communicate and I too am looking to repair our marriage. Seems as guilt is getting the best of her because she yells at my daughters for no good reason when she sees them


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## FamilyMan216 (Apr 1, 2020)

Daylilly27 said:


> Thank you so much for the response. I appreciate you taking the time to make me feel like I’m not alone in this. The whole situation seems surreal. Even when I tell close friends and family nobody can believe it and nobody can understand. Even our couples therapist who we saw a few times, said this isn’t a normal type of situation. That it’s hard to understand for even her why this is happening.
> My husband hasn’t been diagnosed with depression, or at least that I know of officially. Are a couple therapist who I talk to him a couple times on his own recommended him see a therapist and told me that it possibly could be depression. He is seeing a therapist every other week currently. Since I wrote this he really does shuts down and isolates himself especially with the current situation with covid. He hung out with a couple of close friends a week or so ago and they told me he seems very off.
> 
> If you don’t mind me asking. How was your husband officially diagnosed with depression? Did he see therapist? Did you all see couples counseling? Did he ever snap out of the situation? Talk to you about how he felt then?
> ...


It tough, especially when you know there is very little you can do. It's all on him now as he has to conclude there is an issue within him. My wife has yet to admit any fault. I pray for my wife daily, and you should do the same for your husband if you're a woman of faith


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## being_humbled (Jun 7, 2020)

I too feel your pain as a husband. My wife is waiting to leave me once the lockdown is lifted and her country reopens their borders. My wife has gone through countless life trauma, and I didn't know or see it. Our first 3 years of marriage were incredibly tough (language barrier, culture barrier) and much abuse I experienced as a child (that I thought was normal) came out, as did hers. 

Baggage neither of us were aware each of us had. She wants to leave for her home country and is leaning towards divorce. I'm hoping we can reconcile, but I'm accepting day by day (little by little) that she is already gone. 

We have 2 daughters, and I'm doing my best to stay strong for them. I'm trying to embrace as much of the pain as possible and make steps to envisioning life without my wife. The thoughts of what is to come - how my daughters will be in pain as their mother leaves them, this is breaks my heart over and over. 

I have to find reasons to hide so I can let my tears out - extra walk for the dog, pretend i gotta run an errand, when i'm just around the corner in the car by myself. She still wants me to sleep in the same bed, but the past few days, I can't sleep. I just lie there or I eventually get up and go watch tv. 

Using SMART contact as a strategy to respect her space and comfort level, but also trying to handle business (non-emotional related tasks) that I need to handle for the kids. 

I may have a job opportunity that takes us away from our current city, would make us move 7 hours away, but this wouldn't matter if my wife leaves us anyway. So I'm weighing out my options still. 





FamilyMan216 said:


> I feel your pain. I am going through it currently with my wife who left 3.5 months ago. She was diagnosed with depression back in September, but refused treatment. I am blamed for her leaving. The weekend she left, we argued because she came in twice around 3 am drunk. I emphasized how disrespectful it was to my 2 daughters and I. There has been minimal communicate and I too am looking to repair our marriage. Seems as guilt is getting the best of her because she yells at my daughters for no good reason when she sees them


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Some things to consider:

Showing any interest in him at all has so far pushed him away. Show none.

fact: most separations end in divorce.
The surest way to divorce, is for the person who stayed NOT to file. Then, the person who is “confused” gets the emotional safety net of knowing they can always go back and fix things again.

the truth: If your husband really wants you to stay his wife, he will move freaking mountains to keep you.

if he doesn’t, then you are wasting your time that you could be spending with someone who actually wants you and makes it clear by their actions.

Divorce is a slow process that can be stopped at any time. File. It will hurt. To stay in limbo will hurt worse.

What this man is doing to you is emotionally abusive, intentional or not.

get out of limbo. File.


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## FamilyMan216 (Apr 1, 2020)

I know it's a hard mental battle with your self. As I've mentioned in other threads, if you want him to straighten up, shutdown to him emotionally for a couple of months and threaten to leave him. If he loves you he will definitely change...if he doesn't then you have your answer to what to do next


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