# I feel my husband is abandoning us



## Terribg

My husband's father (several states away) has stage 4 cancer. His mother called and asked my husband to come visit. He explained that he could come the following week but that this week, one child was having surgery and another had a program at school he promised to attend. He said the only way he could come this week is if there was an emergency. She then called him back and told him his dad is dying and that if he wants to see him, he needs to come NOW. He was devastated, packed up immediately and was out the door within an hour to drive 2 days to get to his dad. He got there and found that the situation was not at all was he was lead to believe. His dad is sick but definitely not dying right now. His mom immediately put him to work. He has taken over responsibility for the full care of his dad 24/7, he cooks every night, cleans, runs all the errands and does all the chores. Each time he mentions getting back home to his family, she has a "breakdown", begs him to stay and he refuses to leave. He has been there 2 weeks now and announced to me today that he is going to be there indefinitely, no matter how long it takes. He intends to take care of his father until he passes away even if that takes months. My husband just graduated college and was in the process of interviewing for jobs. Obviously now that has stopped and I am supporting 3 small children on savings and my small income, which won't cut it for long. He flat out refuses to come back. He says his mother "needs him" and apparently that is more important than his wife and children. If this goes on much longer, we will be out of savings and I won't be able to pay the rent alone. His mother is furious with me for wanting him to come back. He tells me I am unsupportive because I expect him to "leave his dying dad." I am conflicted because I understand he wants to help his parents and be there during this time but realistically, he also has a family several states away that he needs to support.


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## Cynthia

It appears that your husband is being manipulated by his parents and he has lost his way. He is responsible first and foremost for his wife and children. 

You cannot rely on him. He has told you that he's not coming back until his father passes. Even then, his mother will "need" him. He has deserted you. I recommend you start making some plans to take care of yourself and the children before this difficult situation becomes a crisis. Do not expect your husband to step up. He already told you he's not going to. You will have to make a plan.

Your husband is gone. He has left you. You can go to the state for help with child care and start looking for a full-time position. I would recommend that you file for divorce.


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## oldshirt

Both of my parents got sick, went into the nursing home and were dead in six months. They died a matter of weeks of each other. This was right at 5 years ago and my kids were 11 and 8 at the time, so I do feel for all of you. 

Mine were only an hour away but there were times it might as well have been on the far side of the moon. I'm sure there were times my wife felt the same as you did and yes, there were times of conflict and imbalance. 

I don't think there is any true fix to this. End of life sucks for everyone. 

I don't have a painless answer that will keep everyone happy at all times. 

But I will say that the more you and 'Mom' make it a battle for his full attention, everyone is going to lose and the resentments and hard feelings will last a long time and possibly forever. Families do break up and become estranged over this kind of stuff. 

I don't have answers but I urge compassion, compromise, balance and understanding for everyone. 

He needs to understand he has a home, family and minor children he is responsible for. He can not neglect and abandon all of you to take full hands on care of other adults. He needs to look into other care options such as home heath care, assisted living etc. 

'Mom and Dad' have hopefully raised him to take care of his offspring and need to understand that he may not be there for their every beck and call. 

And you need to understand that this is Mom and Dad and part of honoring thy mother and father is to ensure that they are safe, warm, fed, hygienic and their medical needs are being adequately addressed. 

All of you need to weigh all options. Can they go to a facility or have home health come to their home and he catches flights on weekends?

Can they be moved closer to your location?

Are there other relatives that can help out so that all of the burden is not on him? 

I've been in that heat seat and other than your own child or spouse dying, it is one of the worst things that a person will endure. There is no quick and easy fix that leaves everyone happy. 

The best that you can hope for is enough compromise and cooperation that it doesn't leave everyone completely estranged. 

Everyone is going to have to give a little, but no one should be expected to give all. Everyone is going to have to rise up and cooperate and compromise.


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## Tomara

Your spouse is being manipulated by his mother. Have you suggested hospice for support? Sometimes the family needs the outside support.

That being said, he is responsible for his own family first. I will say a prayer that a medium area can be met.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## BluesPower

I have to go with he is abandoning you and his children. 

He is being manipulated, any responsible parent would want their child to take care of his family, wife and kids first. 

If it was a week or two, ok. But any longer, that is out of line. 

What he is doing is wrong. If he is this easily manipulated, do you want to stay with someone like that? 

What about when he gets a boss that manipulates him and takes advantage of him? 

I get that dad is dying, I get it. But if is was me under these circumstances, I would that thanks son, now get back to your family...


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## manwithnoname

After reading through the posts and then re-reading the original, I actually feel like giving this guy an ass kicking that will knock some sense into him.

He needs to take care of his family, meaning wife and kids. Why is he jobless to begin with? I get going back to school to improve jobs etc. but if you are supporting a family, this needs to be done while actually supporting a family. 

His parents should be helping out financially then, if they can't then he should come home and take care of his family before they lose everything.


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## arbitrator

*Are there no other brothers/sisters or extended family members who can help out or is your H an only child?

In implicit agreement with @Tomara ~ hospice is yet another excellent option!

As is, he's abandoning his own family in absentia, all at the behest of his over-controlling mother!

*


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## Mywifecanhelp

Unfortunately you not married to a man, you're married to a boy. I went through my fathers cancer, treatments and death, but my main priority at all times remained my wife and children. It was probably easier for me because my father raised me to be a man. If I had done what your husband is doing right now, he would have been very disappointed. 

Here's your bigger problem cancer is an awful disease that can kill very slowly. Your mother in law sounds very needy and dramatic. I assume he is an only child. If so even after his fathers death your husband is then going to suffer with guilt when his mother is all alone and demanding his attention and support. Will he running to her every time she has a breakdown then. 

I suggest you compassionately explain to him this is an untenable situation and if he can't come back and help support the family you are going to have to make plans to go live with your parents, because thats where this is heading. Is moving in with your parents for a time a possibility.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

His first responsibility is to you and family and have the maturity to balance you and his father's tragic situation. 

Normally one reaches out to immediate and extended family members as needed. And; his specialist dr., nurses can usually come, and hospice who will definitely have someone there couple or more times a day. 

Time is better spent coordinating these and putting a local family member in charge of them then cooking and cleaning. But a H helps during his stay......while clearly establishing a day he's leaving. 
To return when necessary, and if last days....wife to go with him.

Sorry for your circumstance. Many here have gone through parents passing. Much good advice here.


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## Spicy

Is your husband an only child?

Your MIL is old and undoubtably exhausted and overwhelmed caring for her dying love. Try to see her side also. It has to be very comforting having her son there during this terrible time. Also, I completely understand your husband wanting every last minute he can have with his dad. Try to see the good in him being a man that loves his parents, and is willing to care for his dad, that makes him an even better husband ultimately. He would do the same for you sweetheart. 

A balance must be met here, because he has a wife and kids and you need him also, and are his first priority. He is in a really bad spot. It's a shame you guys don't live closer. Hospice needs to be set up if it hasn't already, but that isn't a solution as they are not there much. They can provide minimal breaks only. Your MIL needs relief so she can rest. Caring for a dying person is EXHASUTING if you are young! Forget about doing it older! Can she afford to pay someone to perhaps be there overnight so she can sleep and not be on duty 24/7? Or, can she afford to help fly her son back and forth for some coverage? Or does she have any family/friends/church people that could give her breaks/help?

Please know I'm not discounting your concerns. There are just a lot of factors and emotions you are dealing with here. I wish the best for you all, and am so sorry you are going through this.


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## Andy1001

Your husband has made it clear where his loyalty lies and it’s not with you or your children. You need to treat this as abandonment and act accordingly. 
Apply for any state benefits you can and make it clear to whoever you are dealing with that your husband has left you and your children. 
Stop contacting him and don’t allow your children to contact him either. This abandonment could last for years and you need to accept this. What’s to say when your fil dies that your mil doesn’t insist on him staying or even worse insist on him bringing her to live with you.


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## Yeswecan

Terribg said:


> My husband's father (several states away) has stage 4 cancer. His mother called and asked my husband to come visit. He explained that he could come the following week but that this week, one child was having surgery and another had a program at school he promised to attend. He said the only way he could come this week is if there was an emergency. She then called him back and told him his dad is dying and that if he wants to see him, he needs to come NOW. He was devastated, packed up immediately and was out the door within an hour to drive 2 days to get to his dad. He got there and found that the situation was not at all was he was lead to believe. His dad is sick but definitely not dying right now. His mom immediately put him to work. He has taken over responsibility for the full care of his dad 24/7, he cooks every night, cleans, runs all the errands and does all the chores. Each time he mentions getting back home to his family, she has a "breakdown", begs him to stay and he refuses to leave. He has been there 2 weeks now and announced to me today that he is going to be there indefinitely, no matter how long it takes. He intends to take care of his father until he passes away even if that takes months. My husband just graduated college and was in the process of interviewing for jobs. Obviously now that has stopped and I am supporting 3 small children on savings and my small income, which won't cut it for long. He flat out refuses to come back. He says his mother "needs him" and apparently that is more important than his wife and children. If this goes on much longer, we will be out of savings and I won't be able to pay the rent alone. His mother is furious with me for wanting him to come back. He tells me I am unsupportive because I expect him to "leave his dying dad." I am conflicted because I understand he wants to help his parents and be there during this time but realistically, he also has a family several states away that he needs to support.



If I may ask, what would you do if it was your parents?


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## m00nman

This is an unfortunate situation, however bear in mind that nobody gets out of life alive and children (even grown) need to be able to say their goodbyes. If your husband just graduated from college then I'm going to risk assuming that you're likely too young to have even entertained end of life scenarios. What would you do if the situation were reversed? Would your husband be crying abandonment? 

The facts are that your MIL is manipulating your husband, but bear in mind that she is doing it from a position of desperation. Perhaps he did have a setback that scared MIL and caused her to crack. How would you feel if your husband fell ill like that? 

I understand that one of your children is ill as well. That's unfortunate, but is the prognosis for his/her condition terminal? It's inevitable that FIL will be passing, and if he's stage 4 it's a real possibility that it could be a matter of weeks if not days. Ask your husband if he feels that way, or even if he's concerned that his mother will crack under the pressure? 

I agree with the others who have said that you should talk your husband into setting up hospice for your MIL and  FIL. Once that's arranged, have your husband rely on that person as a point of contact. IMO now that you have seen that MIL is relying on manipulation, don't expect her to be reasonable because this is a stressful situation for her. It's GOT to be for your husband as well. Clearly she - and likely he as well - needs grief counseling and I don't doubt that she feels justified being demanding of her offspring during a time of need when she has no one else to rely on. Your husband needs to get that person, which is what hospice is.


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## BluesPower

m00nman said:


> This is an unfortunate situation, however bear in mind that nobody gets out of life alive and children (even grown) need to be able to say their goodbyes. If your husband just graduated from college then I'm going to risk assuming that you're likely too young to have even entertained end of life scenarios. What would you do if the situation were reversed? Would your husband be crying abandonment?
> 
> The facts are that your MIL is manipulating your husband, but bear in mind that she is doing it from a position of desperation. Perhaps he did have a setback that scared MIL and caused her to crack. How would you feel if your husband fell ill like that?
> 
> I understand that one of your children is ill as well. That's unfortunate, but is the prognosis for his/her condition terminal? It's inevitable that FIL will be passing, and if he's stage 4 it's a real possibility that it could be a matter of weeks if not days. Ask your husband if he feels that way, or even if he's concerned that his mother will crack under the pressure?
> 
> I agree with the others who have said that you should talk your husband into setting up hospice for your MIL and  FIL. Once that's arranged, have your husband rely on that person as a point of contact. IMO now that you have seen that MIL is relying on manipulation, don't expect her to be reasonable because this is a stressful situation for her. It's GOT to be for your husband as well. Clearly she - and likely he as well - needs grief counseling and I don't doubt that she feels justified being demanding of her offspring during a time of need when she has no one else to rely on. Your husband needs to get that person, which is what hospice is.


I get where you are coming from, but at this stage and duration of being gone, he is abandoning his family. It would be different if the parents could help his wife with bills, but they are struggling. 

A man's first and highest priority is to his wife and children, the rest you help when you can, but not like this...


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## Mywifecanhelp

The two things that really made me angry about this situation. 

1 "He has been there 2 weeks now and announced to me today that he is going to be there indefinitely, no matter how long it takes."

We were expecting my father (stage 4 lung cancer) to die any day for a year.

2 "one child was having surgery"

What father leaves when their child is having surgery. Someone is gonna have to explain that one to me. 

Being a father trumps being a son all day every day 24/7/365.


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## m00nman

BluesPower said:


> I get where you are coming from, but at this stage and duration of being gone, he is abandoning his family. It would be different if the parents could help his wife with bills, but they are struggling.
> 
> A man's first and highest priority is to his wife and children, the rest you help when you can, but not like this...


I understand and think the OP needs to stress the situation at home to her husband, but I'm not going to pass judgment on him. Grief is a weird thing, and this situation sounds like somebody's sanity has been compromised and I wouldn't be surprised if he were speaking from a place of fear about his mother's "needs."


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## frusdil

Andy1001 said:


> Stop contacting him and don’t allow your children to contact him either.


You didn't really just say that did you??? :surprise:



Mywifecanhelp said:


> What father leaves when their child is having surgery. Someone is gonna have to explain that one to me.


A father who is about to lose his own father to cancer??

I'm absolutely gobsmacked at some of the responses here! This mans father is dying ffs! He's about to lose the man who raised him, taught him how to ride a bike, kick a football, held his hand as a small child when he was frightened...he's supposed to just say "oh well, get into hospice and I'll be back when I can?" wtf?

When my dad was dying, especially the last few weeks, I was at mum and dad's ALL the time. The last two weeks I didn't go home at all. My husband had to work full time, run the house, look after our daughter and the pets on his own. MY DAD WAS DYING. 

My darling dad was always there for me. He held my hand when I was scared, there was no way I was not going to be there to hold his hand when he was scared at the end of his life. 

If I had to do it over, I'd do it just the same.

You should be ashamed of yourself OP.


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## Andy1001

frusdil said:


> You didn't really just say that did you??? :surprise:
> 
> 
> 
> A father who is about to lose his own father to cancer??
> 
> I'm absolutely gobsmacked at some of the responses here! This mans father is dying ffs! He's about to lose the man who raised him, taught him how to ride a bike, kick a football, held his hand as a small child when he was frightened...he's supposed to just say "oh well, get into hospice and I'll be back when I can?" wtf?
> 
> When my dad was dying, especially the last few weeks, I was at mum and dad's ALL the time. The last two weeks I didn't go home at all. My husband had to work full time, run the house, look after our daughter and the pets on his own. MY DAD WAS DYING.
> 
> My darling dad was always there for me. He held my hand when I was scared, there was no way I was not going to be there to hold his hand when he was scared at the end of his life.
> 
> If I had to do it over, I'd do it just the same.
> 
> You should be ashamed of yourself OP.


Have you actually read the first post on this thread,this is a completely different scenario to your own.His mother lied to get him to come home and now she refuses to let him leave.His first priority has to be to his wife and children and as it stands he doesn’t seem to care whether they have a roof over their heads or food in the fridge.He admitted himself that his mother lied and his father wasn’t as sick as she claimed.
Reading between the lines I think this guy doesn’t want to work and prefers moving in with mom and dad to getting a job and taking care of his OWN family.


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## frusdil

Andy1001 said:


> Have you actually read the first post on this thread,this is a completely different scenario to your own.


I did. The man is dying!

ETA - I resigned from my full time job to help mum care for dad.


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## BigToe

OP, I agree with you completely. Unfortunately I don't know what you can do about it other than try to have someone else talk to your husband and try to knock some sense into him. A two hour drive is nothing if an emergency comes up so that shouldn't be a factor. His parents need to look into local services such as Visiting Nurse to help with daily issues and your husbands primary concern should be his wife and children. It would be reasonable for him to perhaps stay with his parents every other weekend or something like that, but not full time.


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## BluesPower

frusdil said:


> You didn't really just say that did you??? :surprise:
> 
> A father who is about to lose his own father to cancer??
> 
> I'm absolutely gobsmacked at some of the responses here! This mans father is dying ffs! He's about to lose the man who raised him, taught him how to ride a bike, kick a football, held his hand as a small child when he was frightened...he's supposed to just say "oh well, get into hospice and I'll be back when I can?" wtf?
> 
> When my dad was dying, especially the last few weeks, I was at mum and dad's ALL the time. The last two weeks I didn't go home at all. My husband had to work full time, run the house, look after our daughter and the pets on his own. MY DAD WAS DYING.
> 
> My darling dad was always there for me. He held my hand when I was scared, there was no way I was not going to be there to hold his hand when he was scared at the end of his life.
> 
> If I had to do it over, I'd do it just the same.
> 
> You should be ashamed of yourself OP.


As much as I LOVE the things you write, I believe that you are dead wrong here. 

If you believe the bible, then a man should leave a cleave to his wife. 

If not, think about this. I raised 3 children, almost completely alone. If one of my sons left his family in this situation to come see me die... If I still had the strength I would beat his A$$ on the spot. 

A mans responsibility first and foremost is to his wife and children, that is the bottom line in all of this. 

When you get married and have children, that family is your responsibility. Why do you think society is in such trouble today? 

Because men are not men, they are boys, boys do not take care of their families, men do.


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## Andy1001

BigToe said:


> OP, I agree with you completely. Unfortunately I don't know what you can do about it other than try to have someone else talk to your husband and try to knock some sense into him. A two hour drive is nothing if an emergency comes up so that shouldn't be a factor. His parents need to look into local services such as Visiting Nurse to help with daily issues and your husbands primary concern should be his wife and children. It would be reasonable for him to perhaps stay with his parents every other weekend or something like that, but not full time.


I think you misread,it’s a two DAY drive.


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## personofinterest

Your MIL is a manipulative shrew.

Your H needs to grow a pair.

Anyone painting HIM as the victim and YOU as the bad guy is an idiot.


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## SweetAndSour

Terribg,

Can we get more info ? One post and you are gone.

I am 53, I am a single parent. I have an 8 year old girl and an 11 year old boy. Divorced. I have the kids.

I also have a 74 years old mother and an 81 years old father. They both are cancer patients. They had their surgeries, but their treatment continues, meaning constant visits to doctors, scans, MR's etc. My father has other issues like diabetes and dementia, I am afraid he won't be around for long.

I have my kids and my parents under same roof. My kids and dying parents are in very different stage of life and in different state of mind. I am in the middle to balance all. I cook, clean, drive, do the grocery, talk to doctors, to teachers, and take kids to park as much as I can. 

I can share my insight with you if you are still around.

I'd like to ask, what was the surgery your kid had, how serious was it. How old are your in laws, your husband ?


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## Diana7

Its clear that your MIL manipulated him into going, ok, but after a week or two he should have returned. If you have small children presumably you are not that old, so maybe his parents aren't that old either, so why cant his wife care for him? What cant she get some sort of home care or hospice care? Are there any other siblings? Close friends?? 

We are in the UK. My husband flew to Oz because his brother told us their mother wasn't going to last long. He stayed for 2 weeks and then flew back. Good job he did, she lived another 8 months!!!I know a man with 'terminal 'cancer who has now lived for 4 years. Its one of those things you can't predict. 

I suspect he is now being daily manipulated by his mother to stay. That's pretty selfish of her. It may be that even once he is dead and buried she will not want him to go back. If you need him to get a job, clearly he must come back and provide for his family.
You cant live on savings for ever.


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## Suspicious1

SweetAndSour said:


> Terribg,
> 
> Can we get more info ? One post and you are gone.
> 
> I am 53, I am a single parent. I have an 8 year old girl and an 11 year old boy. Divorced. I have the kids.
> 
> I also have a 74 years old mother and an 81 years old father. They both are cancer patients. They had their surgeries, but their treatment continues, meaning constant visits to doctors, scans, MR's etc. My father has other issues like diabetes and dementia, I am afraid he won't be around for long.
> 
> I have my kids and my parents under same roof. My kids and dying parents are in very different stage of life and in different state of mind. I am in the middle to balance all. I cook, clean, drive, do the grocery, talk to doctors, to teachers, and take kids to park as much as I can.
> 
> I can share my insight with you if you are still around.
> 
> I'd like to ask, what was the surgery your kid had, how serious was it. How old are your in laws, your husband ?


Amazing, I applaud you for the amazing job you're doing with your ill parents, and dealing the children which can be so difficult at those age!

Hang in there don't forget, or feel guilty about giving yourself a break ( go out for some drinks with your pals, go out for a quick walk when things hit the fan, etc, etc.) in the middle of the chaos.

Take care

S1

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


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## Diana7

Suspicious1 said:


> Amazing, I applaud you for the amazing job you're doing with your ill parents, and dealing the children which can be so difficult at those age!
> 
> Hang in there don't forget, or feel guilty about giving yourself a break ( go out for some drinks with your pals, go out for a quick walk when things hit the fan, etc, etc.) in the middle of the chaos.
> 
> Take care
> 
> S1
> 
> Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


 I am very envious of people who still have their parents at that age. I would love to have had mine when they got older.


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## SweetAndSour

Suspicious1 said:


> Amazing, I applaud you for the amazing job you're doing with your ill parents, and dealing the children which can be so difficult at those age!
> 
> Hang in there don't forget, or feel guilty about giving yourself a break ( go out for some drinks with your pals, go out for a quick walk when things hit the fan, etc, etc.) in the middle of the chaos.
> 
> Take care
> 
> S1
> 
> Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk



Thank you S1 but I am not that good. I made some unfortunate choices in life and my parents suffered along with me. My and my kids future is still their biggest concern. But , that would be another thread.

And in another note, if my mom's treatment is successful, she can out live me. she is a strong woman.


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## SweetAndSour

Terribg,

He passed away didn't he ?


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