# How do couples achieve a happy life-long marriage?



## Rus47

According to 2010 census date, "More than half of currently married couples (55 percent) had been married for at least 15 years, while 35 percent had reached their 25th anniversary". This surprised because recall other stats that more than 1/2 first marriages end in divorce with median length of 8 years.

How do people who remain *happily* married for a lifetime achieve it. Are there key positive indicators that someone contemplating marriage could look for before taking the leap?

We have been happily married for more than 50 years. Married quite young (which should have but wasn't a negative indicator). Many major trials ( none related to the marriage contract ) and weathered them all. Neither of us had partners before one another ( which some say is a negative indicator ). No infidelity. 

Still, reflecting on, it can't point to any key indicators that would have told us at the beginning that we would succeed. Thoughts?


----------



## Absentminded

My husband and I are approaching our 10th wedding anniversary, which isn’t very long, but both of our parents have long, successful, happy marriages. My parents have been married for 47 years and my in-laws (I think 40? Years). 

I know from speaking to my Mum and Dad their recipe for happiness in marriage is: 

being able to compromise.
each person having their own interests and allowing each other the space to enjoy them.
being able to let the small things go and not getting wound up by little annoyances. Don’t sweat the small stuff! Husband hasn’t emptied the bin but just balanced more rubbish on top...no worries, it’s not the end of the world and worth getting irritated about.
knowing when to give each other space but also being happy in each other’s passive company.
communication is hugely important. Talk about things, spend quality time together, share how you’re feeling.
have fun together, laugh about things, keep lightness and silliness in your life and relationship.

Thoughts on succeeding as a couple....
My husband and I met when I was 19 and he was 20 and we’ve been together for over 16 years now. 
We met in a nightclub and became an exclusive couple right from day one. 

We had a huge amount of trust in each other straight away. I went off to university in another city, though I came home at weekends, but we never for a moment thought that the either of us would cheat or anything like that. We didn’t live full time with each other for 4 years and just knew that we could trust each other. I know that that is key to our relationship. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Rus47

Absentminded said:


> I know from speaking to my Mum and Dad their recipe for happiness in marriage is:
> 
> being able to compromise.
> each person having their own interests and allowing each other the space to enjoy them.
> being able to let the small things go and not getting wound up by little annoyances. Don’t sweat the small stuff! Husband hasn’t emptied the bin but just balanced more rubbish on top...no worries, it’s not the end of the world and worth getting irritated about.
> knowing when to give each other space but also being happy in each other’s passive company.
> communication is hugely important. Talk about things, spend quality time together, share how you’re feeling.
> have fun together, laugh about things, keep lightness and silliness in your life and relationship.
> 
> Thoughts on succeeding as a couple....
> My husband and I met when I was 19 and he was 20 and we’ve been together for over 16 years now.
> We met in a nightclub and became an exclusive couple right from day one.
> 
> We had a huge amount of trust in each other straight away. I went off to university in another city, though I came home at weekends, but we never for a moment thought that the either of us would cheat or anything like that. We didn’t live full time with each other for 4 years and just knew that we could trust each other. I know that that is key to our relationship.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Well, we check all of the points your parents listed. Our parents were also happily married also, mine for 60 years and hers for 40 until death intervened. They never told us their secrets to "till death do us part", maybe their lives imparted those as we grew up. 

I always wonder if the times we grew up in made a difference. We are both "boomers" of course, she grew up very poor (financially), I grew up in "lower middle" class. Of course no social media or internet back then.


----------



## Al_Bundy

Rus47 said:


> According to 2010 census date, "More than half of currently married couples (55 percent) had been married for at least 15 years, while 35 percent had reached their 25th anniversary". This surprised because recall other stats that more than 1/2 first marriages end in divorce with median length of 8 years.
> 
> How do people who remain *happily* married for a lifetime achieve it. Are there key positive indicators that someone contemplating marriage could look for before taking the leap?
> 
> We have been happily married for more than 50 years. Married quite young (which should have but wasn't a negative indicator). Many major trials ( none related to the marriage contract ) and weathered them all. Neither of us had partners before one another ( which some say is a negative indicator ). No infidelity.
> 
> Still, reflecting on, it can't point to any key indicators that would have told us at the beginning that we would succeed. Thoughts?


The data doesn't conflict. If you are using older data (2010) then you have to remember those people who reached 15yrs were literally married in a different century. Just like you were. That's not an insult, just something to keep in mind


----------



## Openminded

I got married more than 50 years ago. It lasted over 45 years before I pulled the plug (he was a serial cheater). Was it happy? Well, somewhat — I suppose. The truth is that I stayed married that long because I didn’t believe in divorce (neither did he) and we fully intended to remain married until one of us died. But I ran out of patience. After the divorce, we remained friends (mostly for our grandchildren) and I was happy to see him now and then at family functions. I was also happy to leave him behind when it was time for me to go home. We texted and emailed regularly about our grandchildren. I would say we got along a great deal better after the divorce than we did while we were married.


----------



## Openminded

I think the key for many of us who got married 50 or 60 years ago— and remained married for many decades — is that we didn’t consider divorce as an option. Marriage was for life. Regardless of what happened and whether you were happy. There had been no divorces in my family when I got married and I didn’t intend to be the first. Cheating aside, we had other issues but cheating is why I finally ended it. I would have preferred not to. We enjoyed our child and our grandchildren. We enjoyed traveling. So, yes, there were happy moments but I’m not sure that most of my generation went into marriage expecting to be happy in general. We expected marriage to be full of ups and downs with hopefully some happy times. Those who managed more happy times than not — and went the distance — are to be congratulated.


----------



## Manner1067

My wife and I snuggle in bed and watch old Doctor Who episodes on her ipad

she reads my prose and poetry and offers honest insights

I never speak badly about her to anyone ever 

we trust each other completely

so many things go into a successful marriage, but a deep friendship and respect are fundamental. You need to admire and trust each other.

romance and excitement are often ephemeral, but companionship and friendship are forever: Cicero understood this


----------



## Diceplayer

Rus47 said:


> According to 2010 census date, "More than half of currently married couples (55 percent) had been married for at least 15 years, while 35 percent had reached their 25th anniversary". This surprised because recall other stats that more than 1/2 first marriages end in divorce with median length of 8 years.
> 
> How do people who remain *happily* married for a lifetime achieve it. Are there key positive indicators that someone contemplating marriage could look for before taking the leap?
> 
> We have been happily married for more than 50 years. Married quite young (which should have but wasn't a negative indicator). Many major trials ( none related to the marriage contract ) and weathered them all. Neither of us had partners before one another ( which some say is a negative indicator ). No infidelity.
> 
> Still, reflecting on, it can't point to any key indicators that would have told us at the beginning that we would succeed. Thoughts?


I could have written this. We will be married 48 years this week, also married very young (18), neither had other partners and there has been no infidelity. Can't really say why except that we did it for a lifetime and splitting up was never thought about.


----------



## Rus47

Openminded said:


> I got married more than 50 years ago. It lasted over 45 years before I pulled the plug (he was a serial cheater). Was it happy? *Well, somewhat — I suppose*. The truth is that I stayed married that long because I didn’t believe in divorce (neither did he) and we fully intended to remain married until one of us died. But I ran out of patience. After the divorce, we remained friends (mostly for our grandchildren) and I was happy to see him now and then at family functions. I was also happy to leave him behind when it was time for me to go home. We texted and emailed regularly about our grandchildren. I would say we got along a great deal better after the divorce than we did while we were married.


Sorry your long marriage was to a serial cheater. 45 years is a long time to put up with that. And, of course there are people my age who have been married for decades of misery. My parents had friends who had the same experience, grandparents too.

But what I was asking about are people who have been married for decades happily, not "somewhat" happily. How do some remain HAPPILY married for a lifetime? What attributes could a person look for in a potential mate that would point toward that kind of marriage? I don't know the answer which is why I posted this thread. Even looking back, can't identify what allowed us to succeed, when a lot of things about us pointed toward failure.


----------



## Rus47

Openminded said:


> I think the key for many of us who got married 50 or 60 years ago— and remained married for many decades — is that we didn’t consider divorce as an option. Marriage was for life. Regardless of what happened and whether you were happy. There had been no divorces in my family when I got married and I didn’t intend to be the first. Cheating aside, we had other issues but cheating is why I finally ended it. I would have preferred not to. We enjoyed our child and our grandchildren. We enjoyed traveling. So, yes, there were happy moments but I’m not sure that most of my generation went into marriage expecting to be happy in general. We expected marriage to be full of ups and downs with hopefully some happy times. Those who managed more happy times than not — and went the distance — are to be congratulated.


Well, maybe we weren't the norm, 'cause we talked about living our lives together and all the adventures we would have from our second date, which likely seems silly in this day and age. We were in love with one another and expected to live life "happily ever after". We have had a lot of adventures in our life together.


----------



## Openminded

Rus47 said:


> Well, maybe we weren't the norm, 'cause we talked about living our lives together and all the adventures we would have from our second date, which likely seems silly in this day and age. We were in love with one another and expected to live life "happily ever after". We have had a lot of adventures in our life together.


I wouldn’t say I expected “happily ever after”. I did hope for “happy some of the time”. There were no really happy marriages in either of our families so no role models of what exactly “happily ever after” looked like. I would guess that not many of our generation can say that they found “happily ever after”. You have something to be very proud of.


----------



## GC1234

Rus47 said:


> According to 2010 census date, "More than half of currently married couples (55 percent) had been married for at least 15 years, while 35 percent had reached their 25th anniversary". This surprised because recall other stats that more than 1/2 first marriages end in divorce with median length of 8 years.
> 
> How do people who remain *happily* married for a lifetime achieve it. Are there key positive indicators that someone contemplating marriage could look for before taking the leap?
> 
> We have been happily married for more than 50 years. Married quite young (which should have but wasn't a negative indicator). Many major trials ( none related to the marriage contract ) and weathered them all. Neither of us had partners before one another ( which some say is a negative indicator ). No infidelity.
> 
> Still, reflecting on, it can't point to any key indicators that would have told us at the beginning that we would succeed. Thoughts?


Respecting your spouse, hearing them out, not gaslighting them when there's something you don't want to hear and deal with. Respecting boundaries. Defending you if/when necessary. Overall just being a supportive spouse.


----------



## Married but Happy

Luck. Mostly luck in finding someone who turns out to be compatible long term. Of course, mutual respect and liking, shared values and goals, sexual compatibility, good communication, some shared interests, compromise, etc., all contribute to long term success. I though those existed in my first marriage, but they did not persist, so I had to end it. This time, everything aligned and persists, but it was still largely luck that we were and remain compatible - plus the ongoing desire to make it work so we actually do work to make it last.

Even if both do everything right, it does not mean a good and _happy_ marriage will result - that's down to true compatibility and (IMO) luck.


----------



## hamadryad

The numbers quoted are hugely skewed...

There are millions of couples that never divorce and either wallow in misery and do nothing, because they can't afford to financially, or just flat out don't care...They wind up "counting" as successful long term marriages...

While there is no doubt, some that are truly one of a kind lifetime bonds, that are caring, romantic, sexual, etc.. for life, a lot of the others that say they are happy long term, are in something of a delusional state or maybe even feel like they have no worth to anyone else....And for others it could simply mean that they have such low expectation, that there really isn't anything they want out of life except their basic needs met-or they just don't want the stigma of being divorced.....If that constitutes happiness for them, terrific, but is that really what it should be?? Not for me...

It's very rare......


----------



## Hiner112

Not having any previous partners is positively correlated with relationship satisfaction. Whether that is because those that easily satisfied don't switch partners or because the previous partners give you reasons to feel unsatisfied with current ones is unclear (or if the two are caused by a third).

In the long term seemingly happy marriages I've seen some common things are 


Expectations that match the other person's inclinations and personality. Don't expect an introvert to be gregarious. Don't expect someone that likes to travel to stay home.
Finding the other person attractive.
They all got married or got together rather young.
Neither person was particularly lazy or needy.
From what I can tell from the outside they seem to address problems as they come up and don't let them fester.
When they do have problems they can admit fault or compromise.
I'm sure that this isn't a complete list of things that are needed for a long term relationship but the ones that seem(ed) happy had them all. My marriage missed at least 2 or 3 of these and is over now.


----------



## In Absentia

Meeting each other's needs, regardless. Patience, tolerance, kindness. Communication.


----------



## Rus47

Hiner112 said:


> Not having any previous partners is positively correlated with relationship satisfaction. Whether that is because those that easily satisfied don't switch partners or because the previous partners give you reasons to feel unsatisfied with current ones is unclear (or if the two are caused by a third).
> 
> In the long term seemingly happy marriages I've seen some common things are
> 
> 
> Expectations that match the other person's inclinations and personality. Don't expect an introvert to be gregarious. Don't expect someone that likes to travel to stay home.
> Finding the other person attractive.
> They all got married or got together rather young.
> Neither person was particularly lazy or needy.
> From what I can tell from the outside they seem to address problems as they come up and don't let them fester.
> When they do have problems they can admit fault or compromise.
> I'm sure that this isn't a complete list of things that are needed for a long term relationship but the ones that seem(ed) happy had them all. My marriage missed at least 2 or 3 of these and is over now.


We hit all of the points you list. When we met, attractiveness was the initial spark. But, very shortly we found we liked one another, enjoyed being together. We spent a lot of time talking about or dreams, what we wanted to achieve in life.

Still, people change as time goes on. We all age, physical attractiveness can fade. Hair thins, bodies sag. Somehow as life continued our fire for one another continues to burn brightly, Our intimacy today is as vibrant as our honeymoon.


----------



## ccpowerslave

I would say a big reason I’m still married is that we both value the same things. 

I could tell my wife was traditional from the first date.

We both had good examples in our childhood homes of people who married for life and were happy. She got to see it all the way through to death, my parents have been married 50 years.

So you copy what you see and try and improve what is broken. I took many ideas from my father.

I’m not sure if there’s a correlation there but I’d be surprised if there wasn’t.


----------



## Rus47

ccpowerslave said:


> I would say a big reason I’m still married is that we both value the same things.
> 
> I could tell my wife was traditional from the first date.
> 
> We both had good examples in our childhood homes of people who married for life and were happy. She got to see it all the way through to death, my parents have been married 50 years.
> 
> So you copy what you see and try and improve what is broken. I took many ideas from my father.
> 
> I’m not sure if there’s a correlation there but I’d be surprised if there wasn’t.


All of things you mention would seem to correlate to me. They were all aspects my wife and I had as examples. Would the "copying" be only our ancestors displayed? Or would examples from society and peers also bear on it? We grew up in a time of "free love" and "flower children". Woodstock arrived after we were already married with children. Neither of us had any inclination to follow those paths, not sure why. Neither of us ever experimented with drugs, including alcohol and didn't associate with people our age who did. Again, not sure why we didn't.the "attractions" were all around. I though suspect again it was unconscious copying what our families displayed.

Maybe as one said, we were just "lucky".


----------



## ccpowerslave

Rus47 said:


> All of things you mention would seem to correlate to me. They were all aspects my wife and I had as examples. Would the "copying" be only our ancestors displayed? Or would examples from society and peers also bear on it? We grew up in a time of "free love" and "flower children". Woodstock arrived after we were already married with children. Neither of us had any inclination to follow those paths, not sure why. Neither of us ever experimented with drugs, including alcohol and didn't associate with people our age who did. Again, not sure why we didn't.the "attractions" were all around. I though suspect again it was unconscious copying what our families displayed.
> 
> Maybe as one said, we were just "lucky".


I haven’t been analyzed professionally but from self analysis a lot of how I behave is the result of just a few people but really mainly my father and then later in life one friend. Actually thinking back on it all of the people I think influenced me a lot are all either bachelors, on their first marriage, or dead.

For society/popular culture it’s hard to say but I suspect if parents are present and interested during the formative years it won’t make a dent.


----------



## Openminded

Rus47 said:


> All of things you mention would seem to correlate to me. They were all aspects my wife and I had as examples. Would the "copying" be only our ancestors displayed? Or would examples from society and peers also bear on it? We grew up in a time of "free love" and "flower children". Woodstock arrived after we were already married with children. Neither of us had any inclination to follow those paths, not sure why. Neither of us ever experimented with drugs, including alcohol and didn't associate with people our age who did. Again, not sure why we didn't.the "attractions" were all around. I though suspect again it was unconscious copying what our families displayed.
> 
> Maybe as one said, we were just "lucky".


We grew up in very traditional families and married around the same time that you did. No drugs. No alcohol. No “free love”. No “flower child” lifestyle. No friends who involved themselves in any of that. The difference is that your families had long and successful marriages (presumably) and our families just had long marriages. IMO, you tend to pattern what you see growing up. Our families may have been married until death but that doesn’t mean they were necessarily happy. My husband and I followed that pattern. You and your wife apparently had a different pattern to follow. And it sounds like you both chose well. Boredom is the enemy in marriage and especially in very long marriages. The two of you either never had that to deal with or you managed to overcome it. The percentage of couples from our generation who celebrated their 50th anniversary is very small. You’re one of the fortunate few.


----------



## Rus47

Openminded said:


> Boredom is the enemy in marriage and especially in very long marriages. The two of you either never had that to deal with or you managed to overcome it. The percentage of couples from our generation who celebrated their 50th anniversary is very small. You’re one of the fortunate few.


Well, boredom has never been an aspect of our existence. Many challenges and opportunities to respond to but never boredom. We appreciate calm and quiet times just sitting on the patio watching the birds together. We certainly realize how blessed we are to have one another and both be healthy especially in our mid-seventies. So many have lost a spouse to death or incapacitating illness. 

But how could a young person beginning their adult life identify within a potential mate the attributes that would allow them to be as blessed? Maybe it isn't even possible, we surely didn't think along those lines when we met. Like most I suppose hormones played the biggest part, at the beginning.


----------



## Openminded

Rus47 said:


> Well, boredom has never been an aspect of our existence. Many challenges and opportunities to respond to but never boredom. We appreciate calm and quiet times just sitting on the patio watching the birds together. We certainly realize how blessed we are to have one another and both be healthy especially in our mid-seventies. So many have lost a spouse to death or incapacitating illness.
> 
> But how could a young person beginning their adult life identify within a potential mate the attributes that would allow them to be as blessed? Maybe it isn't even possible, we surely didn't think along those lines when we met. Like most I suppose hormones played the biggest part, at the beginning.


The short answer is that the two of you were fortunate. No way I believe that 18 or 19 year olds (which I was and presumably you were around that) can figure it all out at that age. I met my husband at 18, as a friend, was engaged at 19 to someone else, broke that off and then married my husband — all of that within a couple of years (ridiculous when I look back). Both of them were very much alike so I obviously have a type. Unfortunately, it’s not a good type for me and although I have continued to casually date since my divorce I will never marry again. Apparently, I’m rubbish at picking and now I know that. Your wife was and is a good type for you. And, yes, you were very lucky — along with everything else.


----------



## In Absentia

Openminded said:


> The short answer is that the two of you were fortunate. No way I believe that 18 or 19 year olds (which I was and presumably you were around that) can figure it all out at that age.


We were 22 and we just didn't know how to deal with life. It went wrong because of our issues, which were amplified under pressure. Basically, the marriage broke us.


----------



## Rus47

Openminded said:


> The short answer is that the two of you were fortunate. *No way I believe that 18 or 19 year olds (which I was and presumably you were around that) can figure it all out at that age.* I met my husband at 18, as a friend, was engaged at 19 to someone else, broke that off and then married my husband — all of that within a couple of years (ridiculous when I look back). Both of them were very much alike so I obviously have a type. Unfortunately, it’s not a good type for me and although I have continued to casually date since my divorce I will never marry again. Apparently, I’m rubbish at picking and now I know that. Your wife was and is a good type for you. And, yes, you were very lucky — along with everything else.


Point well taken, most people so young haven't established their career and still have a kid's outlook on life. Still, I was living on my own and supporting myself by 17, wife was working full-time at 18 though still living at home. I will say our biggest challenge over our early life together was financial, as in not enough money. It would have been easier if we had waited long enough for earning ability to rise. All things considered we actually wish we had married sooner than we did.

I recall some folks in another thread opining that male shouldn't marry before about 30, female before 25. Friends I worked with did that at so by time they married they already owned their home, a nice car, and had a big bank account. Their problems after marriage ended up arriving when tough times arrived. They hadn't shared difficulties with one another so had no idea how to manage.


----------



## Rus47

Maybe another early indicator. My wife's parents were wonderful, kind people.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson

Rus47 said:


> According to 2010 census date, "More than half of currently married couples (55 percent) had been married for at least 15 years, while 35 percent had reached their 25th anniversary". This surprised because recall other stats that more than 1/2 first marriages end in divorce with median length of 8 years.
> 
> How do people who remain *happily* married for a lifetime achieve it. Are there key positive indicators that someone contemplating marriage could look for before taking the leap?
> 
> We have been happily married for more than 50 years. Married quite young (which should have but wasn't a negative indicator). Many major trials ( none related to the marriage contract ) and weathered them all. Neither of us had partners before one another ( which some say is a negative indicator ). No infidelity.
> 
> Still, reflecting on, it can't point to any key indicators that would have told us at the beginning that we would succeed. Thoughts?


Outstanding! 

It will be 37 years happily married for us in a few months. And there is a big difference between just married and happily married.

We married young, too, and that wasn't a negative indicator, really a positive for us.

We believed in the same core items in life. That included kids, family, and depth of commitment. 

We were at the same stage in life, emotionally maturity and independence. 
Probably that was a key positive indicator. We shared similarities in each of our respective families, probably a positive. 

We weren't each others first and I'm a product of the 60s and 70s so sexual repression has never been a consideration for me. I had a very high count and she knew it and her previous sex life has never been anything I've spent a second thinking about.

I'd started college early, was out early, staying in classes year round (no summers off!) and a happy bachelor for a couple years or so when we met. I was on a career track, was stable.

Although I went out to clubs all the time, and that's where we met. The early 80s were wild.

We decided to have our children young, a great choice for us. Best ever.

We were blessed to overcome some health issues and a big C event through the years, that builds relationships in good Ms, that's for sure.

Still active with variety and frequency of good sex, 4 to 6 times a week is typical. She and I enjoy our empty nest time. She has no hangups with being an enthusiastic partner and enjoys all manner of encounters.

We have grandkids, all your typical components, and still very much love each other.

If you're at 50yrs M you're a great example it still can be achieved, and more!


----------



## Mr. Nail

33 years
Is "happily married" code for infidelity never happened? Because when we say happily married It could mean a lot of different things. I would never say that we had 33 years of uninterrupted bliss. There were clouds and storms and off weeks. Certainly not rainbows and unicorn farts.


----------



## Rus47

Mr. Nail said:


> 33 years
> *Is "happily married" code for infidelity never happened?* Because when we say happily married It could mean a lot of different things. I would never say that we had 33 years of uninterrupted bliss. There were clouds and storms and off weeks. Certainly not rainbows and unicorn farts.


I wasn't using that as code. If there had ever been any infidelity we wouldn't still be married. For both of us faithfulness to one another was always a necessary minimum requirement. If a person cant be faithful to their spouse they should divorce and live whatever life they choose. Full stop. Why drag another person through hell?

I read the sad stories on here about cheating and infidelity and the horrible damage it does to often innocent people and think those doing this are severely psychologically damaged people.

But people can be married and miserable without infidelity. In fact, the data on divorce indicates that only about 1/5 are because of infidelity.

And of course, "happy" doesn't mean uninterrupted bliss either, not sure how that could ever be achieved in this life. What I guess meant by "happily married" is we both wouldn't trade our lives together for anything. We would choose one another again if back at the beginning. We are thankful to still have one another.


----------



## In Absentia

31 years in a few months... 35 together... first 20 years very good, than the nightmare began...


----------



## Sfort

We were doing okay financially when we married. Since then, we have become very successful. So, it's probably the money.


----------



## Mr. Nail

I honestly believe that lots of my ancestors were happily married because they avoided divorce after multiple cheating events. But it's just because I see so much cheating, that I don't believe many people avoid it. Personally I got infatuated with a co-worker. No physical affair, never told her. Though I think she may have known. Eventually confessed, got over it and moved on. 

I don't believe I will ever fully know what happed in my wife's life. There is one pretzel that I just can't untwist.


----------



## Sfort

Mr. Nail said:


> I don't believe I will ever fully know what happed in my wife's life. There is one pretzel that I just can't untwist.


As in infidelity?


----------



## BigDaddyNY

My wife and I have been married 31 years and together over 33. I was only 16 when we met and she was 19. It was bumpy when we were dating, but we have had very little trouble since getting married. We both have 110% trust in our faithfulness, that has been huge in our success. We are still deeply in love with each other. 

One big thing that set us on the right path was that we left the city we were from right after we got married. Given that we were both so young you wouldn't think there would be history, but there was. She was engaged and living with someone right out of high school and I was in a lot of, let's call it "trouble". We got married, a week later I was at basic training, then we moved into our first apartment together 6 hours from home. Right off the bat we just had each other. I can't say that our marriage would have failed if we stayed, but it certainly removed a lot of potential issues. Not to mention the city is pretty much a total crap hole. 

We had good roll models too. My parents are still married, coming up one their 52nd anniversary. All of my grandparents were married until they died. My wife's parents were both on their second marriage when she was born, but they were both widowed during their first marriages and they remained married to one another until they died. There is very little divorce even in our extended families. I think we both have the mindset that marriage is for life, so long as their is no abuse or infidelity. 

Kids have also been a big part of it.. We were married about 8 years before we had kids. It gave us lots of time to be a couple, but the addition of kids at that time further solidified us. We were ready for it. Our kids are away at college now, and we are mostly empty nesters for the past 2 years. 

The empty nest thing actually scared me a little. I was worried about what we would do with all the time we would be gaining from not running kids all over the place to various activities. Were the kids the "glue" that was keeping us together. It was really an unfounded concern, but I took it upon myself to really focus on showing my wife how much I loved her. At first my wife thought I was a little goofy, but it has really paid off and she has most definitely reciprocated. We did a lot of things to strengthen our relationship and intimacy. We were always clear that we weren't fixing a broken marriage. We were just strengthening an already great marriage and setting us up for the next phase in life together.


----------



## Mr. Nail

Sfort said:


> As in infidelity?


Yes precisely. There are facts that can't be reconciled with the reports.
This forum is very good at advising confession, getting the facts out and all. But other places advise so much to "take it to the grave, it's your mistake, why should your spouse be hurt by the knowledge". It's a heck of an incentive to lie.


----------



## CatholicDad

We married young and neither set of parents were really “on board” but we’re still in love as ever approaching thirty years together. We’ve never used birth control aside from Natural Family Planning and so have probably five times the number of children as the average American family. My college educated wife hasn’t worked outside the home since the birth of our first child (except some charitable endeavors) but this would have been impossible or impractical anyway given the string of children to follow. We just recently “graduated” from diapers in our home after twenty five years straight. We’ve also had almost no support from family other than the occasional “we’ll babysit for you on your birthday” despite health issues, surgeries, but regardless we’ve pretty much kept our family going on blood, sweat, and tears. Now, just trying to live it down... keep adult kids heading in the right direction while entertaining and enjoying our last few smaller kiddos who are growing up too fast. I find it incredible that my wife still loves me given what an immature, stubborn fool I was when we married especially since she has the most fiery temper of anyone I have ever known. I think the pregnancy hormones are a fountain of youth for her because she’s still within 15 lbs of her ideal weight and simply the most beautiful woman I have ever known (she’s humble though and thinks I have “rose colored glasses”).

I’d credit a LOT if not all our success to an ever increasing devotion to Jesus Christ and His Catholic Church. I think it really saved me from myself and my own evil tendencies especially when I was young and even more stupid than I am now. Perimenopause has been like a second, better, longer honeymoon than the first honeymoon when I was young, naive, and poor. I think there are graces, or blessings, or SOME kind of magical power about the sacrament of marriage as bestowed by the church... I simply have no rational explanation as to why my marriage has endured the test of fire we’ve been through other than that. I’ve left lots of the trials and suffering we’ve endured out of this for anonymity and brevity. If you’re reading this and want a beautiful marriage... get your butt into the local Catholic Church and do it right and just throw caution to the wind, give all of yourself to God and your spouse too and see what happens!


----------



## Harold Demure

Rus47 said:


> According to 2010 census date, "More than half of currently married couples (55 percent) had been married for at least 15 years, while 35 percent had reached their 25th anniversary". This surprised because recall other stats that more than 1/2 first marriages end in divorce with median length of 8 years.
> 
> How do people who remain *happily* married for a lifetime achieve it. Are there key positive indicators that someone contemplating marriage could look for before taking the leap?
> 
> We have been happily married for more than 50 years. Married quite young (which should have but wasn't a negative indicator). Many major trials ( none related to the marriage contract ) and weathered them all. Neither of us had partners before one another ( which some say is a negative indicator ). No infidelity.
> 
> Still, reflecting on, it can't point to any key indicators that would have told us at the beginning that we would succeed. Thoughts?


We are the same as you Rus47, married for 44 years, together for 50 years, got together young, no other partners, no infidelities. There have been some hard times along the road but we both married for love, married for life and face everything together as a couple.

Could give you a long spiel about compatibility, compromise, determination to stay together but, in my opinion it all boils down to not over analysing your relationship, putting all your energies into your marriage to keep it exciting and those two magic words “Yes dear”.


----------



## Rus47

hamadryad said:


> The numbers quoted are hugely skewed...
> 
> There are millions of couples that never divorce and either wallow in misery and do nothing, because they can't afford to financially, or just flat out don't care...They wind up "counting" as successful long term marriages...
> 
> While there is no doubt, some that are truly one of a kind lifetime bonds, that are caring, romantic, sexual, etc.. for life, a lot of the others that say they are happy long term, are in something of a delusional state or maybe even feel like they have no worth to anyone else....And for others it could simply mean that they have such low expectation, that there really isn't anything they want out of life except their basic needs met-or they just don't want the stigma of being divorced.....If that constitutes happiness for them, terrific, but is that really what it should be?? Not for me...
> 
> It's very rare......


Ok, point accepted. If I take the census number of 35% of marriages lasting 25 years, could easily imagine that maybe a third of those are *both* partners actually happy being married to their spouse, so maybe 1 in 10 remain happily married at 25 years in, the odds are very much against a couple staying together for a lifetime and not wishing they weren't.

And, I can also accept that we were just "lucky." If someone had told me in my teens that chances of being happy in marriage for a lifetime were less than 10%, probably wouldn't have believed them. After all "my experience will be different". 

If "luck" is what determines success, then a rational person might be best to decide to not play the game. We have never been interested in gambling, could never see point in betting our scarce resources on tiny chance to win. Yet we bet on a lifetime of happiness with less than 1 in ten chance of winning, and won the jackpot.


----------



## Rus47

Rus47 said:


> Ok, point accepted. If I take the census number of 35% of marriages lasting 25 years, could easily imagine that maybe a third of those are *both* partners actually happy being married to their spouse, so maybe 1 in 10 remain happily married at 25 years in, the odds are very much against a couple staying together for a lifetime and not wishing they weren't.
> 
> And, I can also accept that we were just "lucky." If someone had told me in my teens that chances of being happy in marriage for a lifetime were less than 10%, probably wouldn't have believed them. After all "my experience will be different".
> 
> If "luck" is what determines success, then a rational person might be best to decide to not play the game. We have never been interested in gambling, could never see point in betting our scarce resources on tiny chance to win. Yet we bet on a lifetime of happiness with less than 1 in ten chance of winning, and won the jackpot.


I just encountered a comment about a Washington Post article from 2016 pointing out that the quoted "7% of marriages reach the 50 year mark" is a misleading statistic. The relevant question being of those whose most recent marriage was 50 years ago, how many are still married? The answer is 50%. 40% are widowed and 9% divorced. Probably an artifact of divorce being less prevalent in answer to marital issues in my age group. That is, a large fraction of those still married are not "happy". If the question were asked 50 years from now the fraction would likely be much smaller.

Washington Post article was from Feb 11 of 2016. It cited Reliability, resilience, responsibility, lack of entitlement, and honesty as key traits in a prospective mate. Close match in core values of religion, sex, parenting, money, and family. Higher education and marrying in late 20s-early 30s correlates with better success. Working hard to maintain effective communication. Treat one another with respect. Generosity and kindness. Keep the marriage interesting, take an interest in one another's passions, take steps to foster intimacy. Several of these factors have been mentioned already in this thread.

Of course, trying to discern any of these in a prospective mate is rather difficult because everyone during courtship is "on their best behavior". The monster inside is locked at home in the closet. So, for example, the potential mate who is sexually exciting "anything goes" during courship, becomes uninterested after the honeymoon is over.


----------



## BigDaddyNY

Rus47 said:


> If "luck" is what determines success, then a rational person might be best to decide to not play the game. We have never been interested in gambling, could never see point in betting our scarce resources on tiny chance to win. Yet we bet on a lifetime of happiness with less than 1 in ten chance of winning, and won the jackpot.


I know I often feel lucky, but I'm not so sure I can believe it is truly luck, implying it is a straight up gamble. I suspect the long term happily married couple has actually worked through or avoid potential disasters thanks to caring and putting in the needed effort. Both partners can take actions that impact the relationship, which to me means it isn't all luck.

And, even if it were just a straight up gamble with just a 10% chance of winning I still think a lot of people would take the chance. The desire to be loved and to love is so strong I don't think the low odds scare people off.


----------



## Absentminded

I asked my husband what he thinks has made our marriage / relationship successful (although we’re still in the “early days” compared to those of you who have been married for 40+ years, having been together for 16 years and coming up to 10 years married). 

His reply was that we like each other and we still enjoy spending time together - both of which are pretty crucial to a successful relationship! 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## ConanHub

Hmm. We had a talk after our first date and laid out some requirements, goals and deal breakers which we both found acceptable and have worked pretty hard at maintaining and achieving over the years.

I knew the moment I saw her that she was the one and she was obviously very attracted to me so the rest was just working out the details.

We have both hurt each other and screwed up here or there and a couple of times, I seriously considered getting out but we are also both very committed to working together and still very much in love so we figured it out, worked hard and overcame.

We are coming up on 30 years together and 26 married.


----------



## Rus47

Absentminded said:


> I asked my husband what he thinks has made our marriage / relationship successful (although we’re still in the “early days” compared to those of you who have been married for 40+ years, having been together for 16 years and coming up to 10 years married).
> 
> His reply was that *we like each other and we still enjoy spending time together* - both of which are pretty crucial to a successful relationship!
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Indeed! At our age we arent swinging from the chandeliers all of the time lol


----------



## Rus47

Sfort said:


> We were doing okay financially when we married. Since then, we have become very successful. So, it's probably the money.


I am curious if money is the key metric? Because, I have always thought that if it was, the celebrities in Hollywood and Nashville would be the happiest people in the world. Yet obviously with all of the drug, alcohol, and other debauchery, many of them are among the most miserable in the world.

Granted, financial is one of the major reasons cited for marriages failing. And, as mentioned our major struggles had to do with money ( as in not enough of it ). In our case we worked through it together and were happy living in very humble beginnings, it was never a strain on our marriage. My wife grew up poor financially, so she had no expectations of ever having much. And my parents were children of the depression, any excess they had went toward avoiding debt and increasing savings. The money I had to spend until left home came from delivering newspapers, mowing lawns, other odd jobs.

My wife and I in our early years had days when we ate bologna fixed every possible way for days. We still laugh about it and the fun we had then.

Everyone has a different take on it, but I think while lack of money can make a person unhappy, an excess of it doesn't guarantee happiness.


----------



## ccpowerslave

We’re re-doing our fence. My wife got a quote on it because our neighbor is selling his mom’s house next door and wanted to work on the fence between our properties.

I thought for what my wife wanted it would be $25k minimum and we couldn’t even get anyone to give us an estimate.

So yesterday after work my wife had the biggest smile I have seen on her face in maybe two years. She announced that she received a quote for the work she wanted. It was much less than we expected. Needless to say I have not seen her that happy in two years and it was over a new fence.

She was like, “Is this ok?” Haha is it ok? I would get you a new fence every month if that is the reaction.

Sometimes money does make people happy but my experience is that it can also be a burden. Still, I’d rather have options.


----------



## Ikaika

Success in a long term marriage starts from the beginning, that is having realistic expectations. “You“ are not perfect and nether is she. “You” will make mistakes and so will she. There will be things you do that irritate her and there will be things she does that irritates you. Are those irritations you can overlook and live with or are they deal killers? Can you deal with imperfections and mistakes one makes. 

“You” may be great looking now (although I never was), and she may be drop dead gorgeous (and yes my wife was and in my opinion still is) but you will get old and lose some it and she will too. 

Children won’t save your marriage and can be marriage killers. So, being married is one thing, having children in a marriage is a whole lot more. As such marriage means coming into the relationship not only with realistic expectations but a level of maturity that I think some folks just don’t have. Can you weather the storms? They will come and often when you think you can least afford it (not just monetarily). 

Finally, as both get older one is likely to sicker than the other and fade quicker. It is not just the loss one has to endure but the journey toward that end. Are you ready for it? Not everyone is. 

The caveat, that is that the ultimate deal breakers for any marriage are the three As: Abuse, Addiction and Adultery. However, if one can work on their own addiction (like I did, no you can’t fix him or her), even this can be worked out.


----------



## Rus47

Ikaika said:


> Success in a long term marriage starts from the beginning, that is having realistic expectations. “You“ are not perfect and nether is she. “You” will make mistakes and so will she. There will be things you do that irritate her and there will be things she does that irritates you. Are those irritations you can overlook and live with or are they deal killers? Can you deal with imperfections and mistakes one makes.
> 
> “You” may be great looking now (although I never was), and she may be drop dead gorgeous (and yes my wife was and in my opinion still is) but you will get old and lose some it and she will too.
> 
> Children won’t save your marriage and can be marriage killers. So, being married is one thing, having children in a marriage is a whole lot more. As such marriage means coming into the relationship not only with realistic expectations but a level of maturity that I think some folks just don’t have. Can you weather the storms? They will come and often when you think you can least afford it (not just monetarily).
> 
> Finally, as both get older one is likely to sicker than the other and fade quicker. It is not just the loss one has to endure but the journey toward that end. Are you ready for it? Not everyone is.
> 
> The caveat, that is that the ultimate deal breakers for any marriage are the three As: Abuse, Addiction and Adultery. However, if one can work on their own addiction (like I did, no you can’t fix him or her), even this can be worked out.


I had never seen the deal breakers listed but so true. So a question, if a prospective partner has any of these in their FOO or in their past, would that warrant disqualifying them from selection as a mate?

I know when wife n I dated we discussed all of these and determined our respective FOO had none of them. We also told one another that we couldnt stay married to anyone who crossed those boundaries.


----------



## tech-novelist

Rus47 said:


> I wasn't using that as code. If there had ever been any infidelity we wouldn't still be married. For both of us faithfulness to one another was always a necessary minimum requirement. If a person cant be faithful to their spouse they should divorce and live whatever life they choose. Full stop. Why drag another person through hell?
> 
> I read the sad stories on here about cheating and infidelity and the horrible damage it does to often innocent people and think those doing this are severely psychologically damaged people.
> 
> But people can be married and miserable without infidelity. In fact, the data on divorce indicates that only about 1/5 are because of infidelity.
> 
> And of course, "happy" doesn't mean uninterrupted bliss either, not sure how that could ever be achieved in this life. What I guess meant by "happily married" is we both wouldn't trade our lives together for anything. We would choose one another again if back at the beginning. We are thankful to still have one another.


My wife and I have been together for 26 years and will celebrate our 25th wedding anniversary next year. We are both in our 70s.

This was a second marriage for both of us. We were both married when we met online as a result of my needing a test reader for a book I was writing on computer programming. No one on this site (including me) would have recommended proceeding under those circumstances, but we just got lucky in that we are much more compatible with each other than we were with our first spouses.

No infidelity, no serious thoughts of divorce, no horrible problems of any kind. Sure, we have fought on occasion but we kiss and make up afterwards. We are still intimate on a regular basis although not at the frequency when we met (but that's hardly unusual).

Our secrets? Giving each other space but still being companionate, respecting each other's differences, listening to each other's complaints without getting too defensive, having compatible political opinions.


----------



## 346745

A shark has to keep moving to stay alive.So does a marriage. You can ill afford to become stagnant or boring. That's the kiss of death. (Married 27 yrs)


----------



## BigDaddyNY

Longtime Hubby said:


> A shark has to keep moving to stay alive.So does a marriage. You can ill afford to become stagnant or boring. That's the kiss of death. (Married 27 yrs)


Very good point. Over the course of a long marriage you have many life changing events and even without them we all grow and change as people. You have to stay engaged with each other and constantly work to keep things fresh and fun. It can take a little work, but it is well worth it.


----------



## Al_Bundy

I don't remember which poster said it in a prior thread but it was the most honest and humble post I've ever read about success in marriage. LUCK. He didn't say there wasn't other factors but acknowledged luck was huge. 

When you look at the numbers, it's like asking how do you have a winning trip to the casino?


----------



## Cletus

Al_Bundy said:


> When you look at the numbers, it's like asking how do you have a winning trip to the casino?


Oof, bad example. The only answer to that question is "don't play the game".


----------



## Al_Bundy

Cletus said:


> Oof, bad example. The only answer to that question is "don't play the game".


Maybe a better example than I intended. I'm not against LTRs. A relationship sanctioned by the state is a different story.


----------



## Texican

Rus47 - Good topic and responses

Hope this link to a post I made here afew years ago will work.
Sad to see

That post was 3 years ago. We are now retired, as of 1-Feb-21. Unfortunately, we lost our 34 year old son unexpectedly on 27-Oct-19 while we were oversea's working in Africa. It not right for a parent to bury a child, no matter their age.

As to the topic of happiness in marriage, we are approaching our 40th wedding anniversary soon.

In addition to what I posted in the Link. I would add that we have always had a very physical / active sex life.
She is my best friend and we enjoy doing things together. But also have no issues with doing stuff on our own.

We were poor when we married and she chased me all over the Oilpatch, having our babies and she was Mom while I was gone working most all the time. Then she came to Africa to live with me when our kids was in College and out of the house. That was a somewhat unique experience and for us it was a good one - as we were in Africa for about 18 years.

We always supported one another and we both worked to not take each other for granted.

We had times where we were so stressed and busy with life that we did take each other for granted - that's a dangerous thing. For us, fortunately, we would both realize it and we would both make a conscious dedicated effort to work to keep the love spark live. It takes work and just does not happen, and we both always wanted this.

She is truly a good person and is a nice person. We both trust each other and even when life got hectic and stressed and we would get aggravated with each other - we still held to one another.

We were inseparable from the time we met and we talked and dreamed of living life and growing old together. After being together for almost 43 years and 40 married, she is still my best friend and I don't just love her - I like her.

I will say this - and I think it is/was to a large degree how we have been happy - and that is to talk and to really talk from the heart with each other. That intimacy between a man and woman who share themselves can wither and die in the hustle and bustle of life, kids, jobs, work politics, not enough money, aggravating relatives, mean parents of kids peers in schools, losing parents, sisters/brothers and our own son to Death, etc.... The grass is greener effect - jealousy or envy of the other "perfect families and marriages". No one knows what really goes on behind closed doors.

All that said, I know this - I have been blessed to find ms gamboolgal and I know I am very fortunate.

This song really says alot about us.

gamboolman.....

Lifes A Dance And You Learn As You Go....


----------

