# Sexless marriage, disinterested husband



## gyspy14 (Feb 16, 2016)

I have been married for 2 years, but living together for 5 years. We have 2 young children; ages 3 & 2.

When I met my H, he was outgoing and social; like me. We both enjoyed (or so it seemed) to go out, party, volunteer, etc. We got pregnant after a year of living together and married a year after that.
Once I got pregnant, I noticed that his sex drive started to go down. At the time, I assumed it was because I was pregnant; I've heard some men get weird about that. But once I had our daughter and lost the baby weight, it never got the same as it was. We had a baby; so I understood that it would never get back the way it was. We had sex maybe... twice a month. When we married, we got pregnant on the honeymoon. and since than... it's been a steady decline.

Now, we have sex... maybe once every 3 months. I've tried everything I could think of... and he just isn't interested. He would shut me down when I initiated, he would turn his nose up when I offered other things, like toys, or different positions, or watching porn together. I always felt like I was too "crazy" for him.. and trust me, I'm not that crazy. I thought maybe he was bored of me, or wasn't attracted to me anymore but when I try to talk about it, he denies that. I've been trying to keep up my appearances for him.. and he'll acknowledge that I look nice.. but when it comes to bedroom stuff.. he just rolls over and goes to sleep.
I'm at a point now where I'm so hurt and my self esteem is so low. I don't even try to initiate it. And when we DO have sex, its mundane and boring. When I try to mix things up a bit (dirty talk, roughness etc), he acts like I'm weird.
I just don't know what to do. I love sex.. and I miss the intimacy like crazy. I feel no connection, and when I try to explain that... he just says something like, "What do you mean? We're connecting right now" ... he doesn't get it. When I bring up the sex thing, he'll acknowledge that we don't have enough sex... but he doesn't do anything about. He goes to bed at 730/8pm to watch TV on his phone in our room and by the time I get to bed, he's passed out. I used to try harder to initiate, but now I'm loosing interest all together. I'm hurt by him not wanting me for so long.. and (I feel like) judging me for wanting more than missionary, mundane sex.

I find myself thinking about other men.. and that scares me. I don't want to hurt my husband... he's a GOOD man, a great father, a supportive husband.. But emotionally... I feel lost and desperately alone. Every time I reach out... I feel like he's not really there.

I guess I'm looking for advice.. or help.. or similar stories so I don't feel so alone.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

I have never been in a sexless marriage, but sex is important to me and I can understand how upsetting it must be to go without the physical release, the emotional bond, and the feelings of peace and security we often get from intimate contact.

How old is your husband? Has he been to a doctor and had a physical recently? I mean a thorough physical, including blood work to check hormone levels. There are a lot of common physical issues like low testosterone or high blood pressure to even thyroid problems that can kill libido.

Is he on medication? Some medications, particularly things like antidepressants or anti-anxiety meds, can have sexual side effects.

Did he have healthy sexual relationships before you?

How was his upbringing? Was he raised in a religious home where he may have been taught sex was bad or dirty?

Any chance he might be gay? You wouldn't be the first woman to marry and have children with a man who loves her, but is sexually attracted to men.

Is he simply asexual and not much interested in sex with anyone?


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## gyspy14 (Feb 16, 2016)

Yes, I should have mentioned in my post..

My husband suffers from depression that he takes pills off and on for. That's a whole other issue, but I guess it's tied in here. I almost left him last month due to this; it's so so hard being a social, typically positive person living with a depressive. I urged him to get back on his meds, and stay on them and get therapy or else I would end up leaving him because I couldn't live in his darkness anymore. He's back on meds now.. and I know those have an effect on him, sexually. But the sex story stays the same whether he's on or off them. He refuses to go to therapy. I've started going myself, just to try to get in a healthy place mentally. I'm exhausted from his ups and downs; which I realize isn't helping MY sex drive with him. I have a lot of resentment; but I'm trying to work through it with my therapy so I can try to find the motivation to fight for my marriage again. 

He's 37; I'm 27. I've suggested he get a physical done and he down right refuses that.. personally, I think he's scared of what they might find.

I know very little of his early sexual experiences. Earlier on in our relationship, I used to ask and he would tell me that he didn't feel comfortable talking about other women to me.. 
His family seems normal-ish. His mother and father are great people and they used to, before his father passed, joke healthily about their sex lives. It made H uncomfortable, but it was all in fun. When we first started dating we had a great sex life... and it's crazy to me how there's just no more desire; honestly, I don't even know if he masturbates anymore... I never find any evidence of it.

I'm scared that the rest of my life will look like this; I'm unhappy and feel guilty about it because we have kids and a house and all the things most people want in life.


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## woundedwarrior (Dec 9, 2011)

Based on my experience, some people just aren't into sex. It sounds like your husband did just enough to have a couple of kids and then he lost interest. My wife acted similarly, she was turned on by the thought of having a child with me, we both have children from our ex spouses, once she reached a point where she was certain it was no longer going to happen, she lost all interest. Sex became another unnecessary chore.

She would do it as a duty or out of guilt, but completely passionless.

Although meds can wreak havoc on a persons libido, the main problem is he doesn't seem to care about it or want to fix it and that is the true issue.

If he has no desire to look for a solution, even after you've shown your displeasure and unhappiness, there isn't much you can do?

The fact that he retreats to bed at 7:30 at night and then is asleep when you finally get there, tells me he is avoiding the whole situation.

Does he not spend any time with the kids??


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

I'm 34, just recently separated. Wife and I didn't have sex for the last 4 years of our 7 year marriage, so I can share my perspective. The reason I didn't want my wife was because of so much resentment towards the way she treated me. Lots of yelling/fights…she blames it on her mental state that she is currently seeking IC for. I was the one who always initiated sex when we used to have it, and she so boring and shy about it. Never once got a BJ from her, before and after married. After the kids, she let herself go and then the attractiveness was completely gone. I had nothing left for her. Even if she became hot again I wouldn't be able to have sex with her. I'm just long gone. 

After I left the house, I went to a doctor to get a physical for the first time in my life. Ran lots of blood work and found my T was normal but prolactin was high. Had a MRI performed to verify no tumors. He definitely should go see a doctor.

You two are at least having sex... so there is hope. If you have kept your appearance up, he should be attractive to you. You don't sound boring in the bedroom. Is he overweight, no self confidence perhaps? Sounds like he's in a funk and doesn't want to have the intimate connection with you. Sounds like some expensive counseling is needed or you will start to look elsewhere.


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## gyspy14 (Feb 16, 2016)

He does. Our oldest goes to bed at 8pm... so bed routine starts at 730... and he usually starts heading to bed around than...


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Lady, I have been married for 23 years to a man that showed no interest in me sexually.....okay take that back, he did have the interest which he voiced in very lusted jr hi like comments about making him hot but he was not able to be intimate....hold hands, tell me he loved me. Love was expressed thru gifts. He did not come to me for sex.....I went to him. Yet he was very flirty with our waitresses and had 3 emotional affairs (more so infatuations on his part). He had a ranging interest in porn and this is what he used to meet his needs. I tried everything to get him to give up the habit and be a part of the relationship with me but all in all his interest was porn. he was almost deathly afraid of any kind of rejection. Porn was easy for him, no rejection, no working on the relationship. It's a VERY lonely life and you sacrifice ALOT of yourself to stay in a relationship like this. For years I wondered what was wrong with me....he'd ask the lady down the hall out to lunch but he didn't ask me. he was very closed up and when I asked questions I realized that I might not be hearing the truth. Is any of this sounding familiar? If you have not experienced all of this I think it is just a matter of time. 

I thought my husband was depressed, I thought he just had not ever had loving compassion and thought I could provide that, when I became aware of the porn I thought removing it would make a difference. None of it worked. His issues were about an addiction. he was very good at covering his tracks and closing his windows and deleting his history but he was caught a few times and there were hours of sexual explicit material, yet he showed absolutely No interest in me. I have never been heavy, I have always kept myself up, I am not lazy but his hook was the porn and his sexual addiction ruled.

This might not be your issues but I would suspect it.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

Sorry you are going through this. Does your husband have any trouble performing when you do have sex? He does need to go to a Dr and get his t count checked. The medicine he takes for his depression is also a factor in his desire. He also might just have a low desire. What can you do about it? Nothing, it's all up to him. I know it's frustrating I went through a couple of years of a sexless marriage myself due to my husbands low t count and ED. It does a number on your self esteem. You can accept the situation and concentrate on your children and yourself and stay in the marriage or leave. If you decide to leave give him a last chance to fix the situation and if he declines then you have your answer about his desire to make you happy and keep you in the marriage.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Depression is a vicious cycle. He goes off the meds, and gets depressed so he loses his drive, he goes back on the meds, they numb him to a degree so he has no drive then either.

Incredibly frustrating and heartbreaking for you. 

His doctor may be able to mix up his meds a bit, play around with the dose or even change them altogether. He may also be able to prescribe Viagra or something like it - but that won't bring his drive back, all Viagra does is ensure he's able to perform.


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## gyspy14 (Feb 16, 2016)

AVR1962 said:


> Is any of this sounding familiar? If you have not experienced all of this I think it is just a matter of time.


When we started dating, after about 8 months, I found a huuuge porn stash deep in his files in his computer. At the time, we were still newly in love, having lots of sex, so I just laughed it off. I showed him I found it and laughed and even suggested we watch some of it sometimes... I was surprised at the time, when he reacted negatively and deleted it all right there as I was watching; all of it, as I was saying, "no.. what are you doing? you don't have to delete it!?" and that was that. 

I have not even seen him watch or talk about porn since than. Once we tried watching it together and he seemed uncomfortable and turned it off. I've looked through his computer before for more porn... but I couldn't find anything. 

My husband is a computer/gaming nerd. He has his OWN pc.. which I rarely use.. and when I do, he's usually over my shoulder. Ive always thought that was weird.. but have never thought anything more.

I guess its weird that he had that much porn before.. and now there's no trace??


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