# Affair after pregnancy - first out of many?



## rasana (Feb 6, 2013)

Dear all,
My husband and I have had a relatively happy marriage. We are in our mid 30s (I am 5 years younger), both have good jobs (I do earn slightly more although he spends more time at work), a house and a 1-year old child we both love. We were married for 6.5 years, and spend most of our free time together. We have common interests, enjoy workouts together, travel and intellectual discussions. We are both fit and have intellectual jobs.

We do argue at times about financial matters, my husband's time spent for work and business travel and also about me interfering with his privacy. Since we got married he occasionally would check websites advertising prostitutes, try to call them or write his ex-girlfriends, which I did not like and I started regularly reading his emails and monitoring other activity (which I stopped a few months ago). He might have visited some prostitutes, but I will never find out - he claims he did not, until 2012, when he got a 'sexual massage'. However, no substantial amount of money is missing from our account and we also live in a place where prostitutes are not easily available, so I quite believe him there.

My husband was very helpful during my pregnancy and we did have a good sex life then, although sometimes I would get uncomfortable and tired. After our baby was born I was not able to have sex for 6 weeks, as advised by a doctor. However, I wasn't interested in any other sexual activity with my husband. I had very little help with a baby and I got no sleep. He often slept in another room, since he wanted to be rested for work and only changed a few diapers in the first few months of our baby's life. We have no family here to help and I had to go to work quite soon (after 2 or 2.5 months) and my son went with me, so the work days were very long and intense (I have a quite flexible intellectual job and it was possible). My libido was low, I was tired, I had stitches so I had to heal, and I found excuses not to do it, and a few times I initiated small arguments so he is not interested in sex with me. The more he was demanding it, the less interesting it was to me, and made me feel like a duty and not something that we shared. I understand his frustration but I needed these few weeks to heal, especially since he was not able to provide any help with a baby and although he took 2 weeks of paternity leave, he used it to snick out of the house to "work"...most likely to meet other women.
Just when my doctors did his check-up and I was ready to 'go', my husband has changed his behavior and shortly announced that he has had an affair - which I think happened within the first month since our baby was born and lasted a month as he confessed in diary and to me. It started with a kiss - his ex student was sexually interested in him for probably over a year, and while I was pregnant they sometimes met to work on his book, since she was helping him with some edits. She met me while I was 9 month pregnant and when the baby was born, she even gave a gift. In January or so she proposed sex. He waited three weeks and most likely did it, according to his diary and other things (unless I totally misread) I noticed, although he never confirmed that part, down-playing it. He was quite infatuated with her (she was 11 years younger than me, not more attractive than me or smarter), and according to his diary he even considered being with her, or marrying her, since for him sex = marriage. At the time of his affair, he became very aggressive towards me, shouted at me, threw things around the house, said he did not care how I feel, even when I cried, and eventually he said that this marriage is a joke, that wants a divorce or an open marriage. He said we can try therapy. We did go and it helped us - we are still attending it. The affair ended, and they never spoke again because I assume there was some argument, judging from one chat I looked at. I do not know what happened.
However, I still had to have sex with him, since I felt I would be cheated on for sure if I did not do it. 
He approached other young women (his ex students) as well, I know of at least one more, some of them got very offended by his proposition and then reported back to me, and to my knowledge only this one girl had sex with him and only once. Unfortunately she is not willing to talk to me, but feels but about what she did. 
After one year, we are still together. In summer he went for a 'retreat' in mountains to collect his thoughts and find that he was a fool and he really wants his family and loves me very much. Our sex life improved but almost every time we make love, I keep thinking about what he did. I initiate it now almost every time we do it, to make sure he does not feel he is the only one interested in it, and we sometimes do it even twice a day. I try to dress nicely too, and do imaginative things. However, he is complaining I do not want to do BJs very often, or massage him 'there' while we watch TV - there always is some complaint but I really enjoy other activities with him than sex in the evenings, after we put our child to bed. He just wants full availability from me, and full menu at each time. I do not seem to have much to say and there is always some complaint. In past, when I was more interested in sex and he refused, we just did not do it, but now I am expected to. His sex drive increased since he had this affair. Now he does not invest almost any time in foreplay (_he did in past)_ and just wants to get to the 'main course', so I am not terribly inspired by this, but mainly still hurt by the affair he had last year. He could be doing it due to time constraints, I do not know. Things seems to be getting better and he now stopped all his aggression, talks about how he loves me and our family, and how he wants us to be together. I am not sure if I should believe him, and I do not really feel love to him anymore.

I believe that as the counseling progresses, we will find a way to rekindle our love, I will fix problems I have, and hopefully he wants to fix his, but I am worried he will come back to his bad behavior. First, he never REALLY apologized but it always comes back to blaming me in some way. Second, every year a new batch of young, available philosophy students joins, and after a year of classes with him, they are impressed and I am afraid he might again take advantage of this, especially if there is another major change in our life, such as move to a new place, which should happen in a few years, some sickness, or maybe another child ( I would love another child, while he of course does not). I do not think it is ethical , even if these are just ex students. 

I wonder if you have any advice or thought on my husband. I want to understand more on why it happened and whether it is possible that his affairs end on this one. Thank you!

Agnes


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I am sorry to read of the pain your husband has put you through.

A man should be able to wait a few weeks for sex while his wife heals from the birth of their child. Not only that but he should be pitching in to make her life easier so that she can get rest and heal more quickly.

What your husband did was very wrong as you know.

Him demanding privacy so that he can look up and make hookups with prostitutes is wrong, very wrong. Due to his behavior with the prostitutes and his students he should not have privacy.


The first thing you need to decide on before you go any further is if you really want to continue a marriage with your husband. Is this what you want? Do you want a life with a man who is not remorseful for the wrongs he has done? Do you want a life with a man who does not really care to give you sexual pleasure?

You cannot change him. He has to want to change to make anything better.

You can only change yourself and the way you interact with him.


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## rasana (Feb 6, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> The first thing you need to decide on before you go any further is if you really want to continue a marriage with your husband. Is this what you want? Do you want a life with a man who is not remorseful for the wrongs he has done? Do you want a life with a man who does not really care to give you sexual pleasure?



Thank you so much for response. 
Yes, I need to see he is *remorseful*. I will discuss this in detail at our next counseling session. He said 'I am sorry' but then he always try to justify it or tell me reasons for it. I do not want reasons, even if I contributed to his action.
I want to stay with him if he can stay faithful since I am from a broken family and I do not want the same for my son.

I do feel guilt that maybe I pushed him into the arms of another woman and if I made more effort, this would never happen. First time in my life I felt I need help and also the natural childbirth I did was so painful (and beautiful at the same time), that I needed time to come to myself too. Next time , if it happens, I would definitely get more help and give my husband attention as well since it went almost from 100% to 0% for these few weeks. Maybe he felt rejected and also his physical needs were not fulfilled.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I'm sure he missed the attention from you for those weeks. But he's a big boy with a wife who had a baby, stitches and needed time to heal. He knew the reason why sex as not on the menu for a few weeks.

It is true that both of you have responsibility for the state of your marriage.

But when a person choses to cheat that is 100% their choice. They have options. He could have grown up and realized that you just had a baby and needed time to heal, he could have talked respectfully about his needs, he could have divorced you, or he could have cheated. He CHOSE to cheat. It was not a mistake. It was a choice that he did on purpose with no regard for you. He owns this. You have 0% responsibility for his choice to cheat.

It’s the same with his looking for prostitutes, happy ending massages and women on the internet. This is a kind of infidelity as well. He chooses to do these things. He does not care how they hurt you. It’s all about him.

I hope you have gone for an STD test. You really need to do this as he has put your health at risk by having sex with other women. You have no idea how many women he has had sex with outside your marriage. For all you know he is writing what he wants you to find in his diary. Does he know you read it?

At this point you are the one who decides if this marriage continues. And he has to do the heavy lifting of proving to you that he is trustworthy. There are things that he has to do. I’ll look for the post around here that has the list of the things that you need to expect from him. He shows his remorse through being humble and his behavior. Not a flimsy “I’m sorry”.

You would benefit from reading the book “Surviving an Affair” by Dr. Harley.


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## rasana (Feb 6, 2013)

Thank you again, EleGirl,


EleGirl said:


> I hope you have gone for an STD test. You really need to do this as he has put your health at risk by having sex with other women.


Yes, we have done it recently - I asked him to do one as well. Fortunately it is all clear.



> You have no idea how many women he has had sex with outside your marriage. For all you know he is writing what he wants you to find in his diary. Does he know you read it?


I do not think so but he knows I am a 'snooper'. I wish I was not because it does limit privacy and might make people angry, but he did give me reasons to suspect from start of this relationship.



> I’ll look for the post around here that has the list of the things that you need to expect from him. He shows his remorse through being humble and his behavior. Not a flimsy “I’m sorry”.
> 
> You would benefit from reading the book “Surviving an Affair” by Dr. Harley.


Thank you so much - I will put this on my amazon wishlist , perhaps a good Valentine's gift


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Betrayed Spouses Bill of Rights


In marriage, we sometimes forget what a partnership is in the early days after discovery of infidelity. We lose ourselves in the desperation to hold onto our loved one. Remembering your rights will help you no matter which path your marriage takes.


1- You have a right to the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. By having an affair, your spouse has closed off the relationship with you and opened one with the OP (other person). You have a right to insist this is reversed for your healing and to assure that loyalties have been realigned.


2- You have the right to trust- but verify. Trust has been broken, ‘snooping’ is not snooping. It is verifying that someone proven to be a liar, sneak and cheat has changed their ways. Like an addict, a WS(wayward spouse) will often go back to their emotional fix. You have a right to verify this is not happening.

3- You have the right to insist there are only two people in the marriage. That choice was made when you made vows to each other. Even a moment with a third person is too much. You owe your WS no time to ‘think about it’. There’s a marriage or there’s none.


4- You have a right to know who the OP (other person) is, the flip of this is you do not have a right to harm or harass this person. Hold yourself to a better standard than the OP did.


5- You have the right to choose to give the gift of reconciliation or to divorce. You have the right to take some time to make that choice. If you one day realize you cannot live with the truth of what has been done, you have the right to walk away.


6- You have the right to insist your WS gets STD testing done and to see the results. Even if the WS claims it has not gotten physical, as many WSs (wayward spouses) will admit to “only a kiss” when it has gone much further.


7- You have the right to insist that your WS initiates and honors NC (no contact) immediately. You have a right to have input and to be a witness to how NC is established.


8- You have a right to set and enforce boundaries. This is not blackmail or any of the other negative words your WS might use. This you protecting yourself.


9- You have a right to hold onto evidence for as long as you need it to feel safe. Your WS has created an atmosphere of risk and danger. It is natural to have a safety net to counteract what has been brought into your marriage.


10- You have a right to know who your WS’s friends are and the nature of their interactions. If it is kept a secret, it is not healthy for the marriage and therefore something is amiss.


11- You have the right to out the affair to anyone you deem will help you and/or your marriage. This is not your secret to keep, this is not your shame to hold. You owe no protection to those that failed to protect you.


12- You have a right to heal on your timeline. As long as you are making steady progress, you are healing. It is a slow process and a WS that says things along the lines of, “You’ll never get over this!” does not have a full grasp of the damage betrayal causes. This is a healing process that takes from 18 months to five years.


13- You have a right to yell, cry, fall apart and otherwise handle this in any way that relieves some of the devastating pain, shock and loss of trust. Your world has been turned on its end. You do not have the right to physically, verbally or otherwise abuse your spouse.


14- You have the right to insist on a true marriage. A marriage of partners, where you love, honor and protect each other. If you feel your marriage is missing one of these components, either fixing it or leaving are your only two options. You don’t have the right to cheat and/or turn someone else into a betrayed spouse.


15- You have a right to love yourself. Often the betrayed have forgotten themselves as an individual. This is the optimum time to remind yourself that you are unique and lovable in your own right. That as much as you might love your spouse, you should love yourself enough to refuse any sort of mistreatment.


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## rasana (Feb 6, 2013)

Thank you so much!

I think that amongst these points, the one about me asking him to be an open book and my right to snoop/verification are not going to work. 
He told me that me snooping was the reason he cheated - I was a bossy wife who interfered with his privacy too much. The problem is - most of the time I looked I found something which was no okay. He blames me that I was obsessive and it would stay at the 'internet relationships' if I just gave it a rest. 
As for finding the details of his affair, he says we should MOVE on and forget about all the past, so he does not want to tell me the details.

Unfortunately, what I did not mention is that I did also have an affair several years ago and I immediately felt bad and cried to him saying I will never forgive myself, especially since my husband was my first real boyfriend too (at age of 24,25 or so). It ended and I know, from the pain I felt, I will never ever do it again. It was not okay to check out from marriage while still being in it. However, why I did it, was because he was already checking the prostitutes at that time, writing ex girlfriends, and I felt so abandoned and cheated, not knowing what is going on, that I resorted to being friends with someone at work, which then became more than that. I felt very lonely and I thought he was going to leave me some day anyway, since I was never enough for him. I assume that when I confessed, it might have pushed him to something more than possible prostitutes or cyber sex buddies, whatever he did. 

My question: *did my suspicions push him to the actual, real affair?* Should a man be allowed to do cybersex or check out girls online, if he is in stress? Can a man restrict this to just 'online' activities, or will it always become more? Again, I tried to be a great lover all these years, which helped in his stress, but if he is addicted to sex in any way, this would not work with me healing after pregnancy.


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

You can't heal because he shows no remorse. He has the gall to blame his cheating on you "snooping". What an a$$, he is just making lame excuses. He is not asking for privacy, he is demanding secrecy. There is no room for either in a marriage, except in the bathroom. 

You are feeling pressured to meet his sexual demands, yet he does not "invest any time in foreplay". This is selfish, and it won't be long before you start to feel like a prostitute. 

As long as you are willing to tolerate this treatment he will continue. He may have a sex addiction or he may just be an a$$, you need to discuss this with a counselor. 

Your suspicions did NOT cause him to cheat, he cheated because he wanted to, and he had the opportunity. 

He doesn't want to discuss it and wants to move on. That's called sweeping it under the rug and if you don't deal with the affair now then he will be far more likely to continue to have affairs in the future. 

Your cheating was wrong as well, how did the two of you deal with it? Did you confess, end the affair and go "no contact" with the affair partner? Did you offer to be transparent to your husband? These are things he needs to do now.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

You are getting great advice from EleGirl and Ava so I'll let them continue. All I'm going to say is that I'm about as alpha as a man can get. But when my boys were born I also got up with them at night, changed diapers as needed and my wife and I alternated sleeping in on the weekend so both of us could recover. My wife and I both changed careers so that we could better accomodate family responsibilities. There is no reason a husband cannot help out with the children from time to time. In fact, I can't imagine a father who wouldn't want to.


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## rasana (Feb 6, 2013)

bfree said:


> You are getting great advice from EleGirl and Ava so I'll let them continue. All I'm going to say is that I'm about as alpha as a man can get. But when my boys were born I also got up with them at night, changed diapers as needed and my wife and I alternated sleeping in on the weekend so both of us could recover. My wife and I both changed careers so that we could better accomodate family responsibilities. There is no reason a husband cannot help out with the children from time to time. In fact, I can't imagine a father who wouldn't want to.


Thank you. You sounds like a very helpful and understanding husband.
My husband said very clearly that it is a woman's role to raise children and men's role to provide. I do work too, and I earn actually much more, especially that he uses his salary to pay for some of his professional development and I never do. He takes many business trips to develop and I am not allowed to do that right now, since he does not want to stay with a child ('you are a woman so get over it - a man can travel, woman should not since it is her biological role to care for a baby'). This is okay with me, although I do see a double standard... he has a new car, a home office, very expensive clothes, and I try to save on my expenses so I have none of these things. I hope when my child is slightly older,I will be able to take business trips too, because I should be doing them to succeed in academia (I am a professor).
I really really wanted to stay at home with my child for 2 years or so, but after the affair I am very afraid to do so, and because of that I just do my 'double duty'. My child is happy but I am tired.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

I'd think hard why do you want to stay with this man full of double standards, including financial, which bassicaly demands you to get over everything horrible he dishes you.
He sound really narcissistic. Google it.


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## Regga (Jan 22, 2013)

I am seeing mental and emotional abuse. You are in a domestically violent (DV) relationship. I do not know your entire situation, but your insights are concerning. He's controlling you. Obviously you are catching on and questioning whether this is normal. It's not normal nor is his behavior acceptable. 
There have been so many people on here lately struggling with DV from their spouses. It's sad. 
With the amount of control he has over you, these suggestions are not going to be helpful. The ability to reconcile is based on both partners in the relationship. He cannot grow with you if he demands control over you. 
I would be more than happy to help you find some support for DV. I don't have all the answers, but do enjoy linking people up with resources. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## rasana (Feb 6, 2013)

Regga said:


> I am seeing mental and emotional abuse. You are in a domestically violent (DV) relationship. I do not know your entire situation, but your insights are concerning. He's controlling you. Obviously you are catching on and questioning whether this is normal. It's not normal nor is his behavior acceptable.
> There have been so many people on here lately struggling with DV from their spouses. It's sad.
> With the amount of control he has over you, these suggestions are not going to be helpful. The ability to reconcile is based on both partners in the relationship. He cannot grow with you if he demands control over you.
> I would be more than happy to help you find some support for DV. I don't have all the answers, but do enjoy linking people up with resources.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thank you. I am interested in getting resources, I will also try to discuss this subject at our marriage therapy, although not sure how. 

I have had some short affair so I am to blame as well, but it was an effect of feeling always cheated on, due to his contact with other women. For example, one week after we married he contacted a prostitute (not sure if we actually went - he of course said that no)... I was a virgin when we married (he said he was too) and our first time did not go well, it hurt a lot and it was not very pleasing. So he decided to go elsewhere a week or two later when I had to go back to Europe to work. I felt awful. But I forgave him because I believed marriage is for life and sometimes crisis might happen (in our case it came very quick, my husband blamed it on him not having many girlfriends before me and sex before marriage, feeling entrapped etc., he was around 30 when we married). However, we then had very fulfilling time in bed, trying all possible things we could, including costumes and role playing. But he might like variety and my role playing was not sufficient for that. 

To answer the other question that was asked:
I am afraid to divorce for several reasons:
1) Although my husband does not help with baby much, when we discussed divorce a year ago, he said he would fight me in court to get full custody over our child. I cannot imagine sharing him even a few days in a week because I am extremely attached to my child. We were not separable until he was 7 months old, after that I got help. My husband said he would hire a nanny or marry someone but he would not give his son to me because I am a control freak (reference to me snooping into his things, although he does not understand that I always found some proof for infidelity, which made me look more). This would not be acceptable to me and the risk is too high.
2) I am afraid to be alone and although I am quite attractive, at 32 years old and living in a place where there is very limited choice of men to date, I would nto be likely to find a new man, especially because I like specific lifestyle my husband and I share. If I did not find a man, I am not sure I would be able to maintain myself in America, far from my family (I am from Europe, English is not even my first language) and with a job that might be terminated soon due to budgetary cuts. I would be scared.

3) I do have feelings fro my husband and I also want my son to have the whole family. That's why I want to try to fix this.


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## rasana (Feb 6, 2013)

Aunt Ava said:


> You are feeling pressured to meet his sexual demands, yet he does not "invest any time in foreplay". This is selfish, and it won't be long before you start to feel like a prostitute.


Yes, I do feel like this sometimes. I do not know why he thinks that him cleaning after the dinner is the same type of 'service' as sex. It used to be something we both wanted. Now, since he cheated, it is all about his physical needs and it makes me sick on my stomach. Sex became a chore because of how he is framing it.



> Your suspicions did NOT cause him to cheat, he cheated because he wanted to, and he had the opportunity.


Thank you. I agree. His students think he is a smart guy and a saint, many of them wanted a piece of him, and he said girls flirt with him quite often. He has authority and they want good grades as well, I assume. It is easy to feel like a star in this situation and opportunities are plentiful. 



> Your cheating was wrong as well, how did the two of you deal with it? Did you confess, end the affair and go "no contact" with the affair partner? Did you offer to be transparent to your husband? These are things he needs to do now.


He actually did not really want to discuss it and I was surprised why, but I assume that he was looking forward to some justification to do it himself. I do not know why. 
Then once I just told him it all, but at that time he was already influenced by some girl, I think, and my confession made just him more entitled to cheat on me. He confessed himself he kissed, but in his diary he wrote 'made love', so I am very confused. The girl is not talking to me so I cannot get more information. 
He approached another girl to have sex with her, but she recently told me about that and she was utterly disgusted with his proposition, because she also went through a similar difficulty herself. I saw their emails and it checks out. She knows more about his other affair and will tell me about it when we meet. I know she was attracted to my husband too, but would not go for him before he left me. I am glad girls stick together.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

rasana said:


> Thank you so much!
> 
> 
> 
> ...


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## rasana (Feb 6, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> rasana said:
> 
> 
> > Thank you so much!
> ...


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## Regga (Jan 22, 2013)

I sent you a PM


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## Regga (Jan 22, 2013)

Don't you have some serious power over him for having affairs with his students? Start documenting his affairs and copying his diary and emails. 
I think you need to start preparing for some serious fight with him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## rasana (Feb 6, 2013)

Regga said:


> Don't you have some serious power over him for having affairs with his students? Start documenting his affairs and copying his diary and emails.
> I think you need to start preparing for some serious fight with him.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thank you (and for your PM too!). Yes, you are right. He claims that having affair with an ex-student is not going to be a legal problem. I did copy his diary, but he is using initials instead of real name, so it is not a great proof. I do not have his current password either. I was also told that these sorts of proofs would not hold in court since this is invasion into his privacy. Is this correct?
I am meeting one of the people he confessed to, who he also wanted to have affair with but it did not work since she was not interested and wants to help me, at least to get truth. 

I am depressed because I wonder if there are any men to be trusted. he certainly was not from week number one of our marriage and I had such high hopes for us. I really want him to change but I am afraid he has sex addiction. 

Yesterday we discussed briefly what sex means to him. He says - 'it is something that feels good' and when I tried to get something more than a physical aspect, he said it does not exist for him, since he is a man. I wrote him a letter explaining that I need to feel more than that and perhaps we could concentrate on other dimensions of sex, other than solely physical dimension because he keeps emphasizing this so much that I feel sick to my stomach. I read in his diary once that his view of sex has changed to be something separated from marriage, although he wrote it at the time of his depression/affair/mental breakdown, when I could nto recognize a man, he was so aggressive and depressed. I think there is a difference between man and woman's vision of sex but I cannot be inspired to do it with him (we do it daily or every two days, and sometimes even a few times a day, but he feels I do it out of duty. I usually initialize it since I do not want to be cheated on) after I found out that any woman can do it for him, and I am just a free and convenient 'labor' to rub his 'parts'. Perhaps he does not mean it this way but this is how it feels.

Is there a way to lower his libido and needs? I do not think I can just be able to meet them, even if I do it three times a day, dressing up for it and doing all he wants. He seems always dissatisfied lately (since the affair), although in past he emphasized how great we were together and that I was a great lover. I do not think he lied. He is excited even when he seems me and sometimes has orgasm before he is ready, which is not a problem for me. I am unfortunately afraid that sex with his girlfriend was better than with me, and I have very low self esteem because of that. She was over 10 years younger than me and fresh. She was new and passionate, I am just an old wife, who after so many years cannot be unpredictable although I really tried - I was so stupid once I was playing a school girl in bed, maybe that caused the problems. I did so much to please him but he said a few days ago I have not been pleasing him for years because I am not making any effort, and I do not do any special things and fantasies (well since he had an affair last year I certainly was less imaginative but I was waiting for true apology which never came). He forgets so easily. I think not many men get what he is getting- I read on forum some guys who need to ask their wife to do it a few times a month. My husband forgets in the evening that he had great orgasm in the morning and was praising me, and screaming from joy. I asked him to write these things down since he forgets, but he does nto do it. I do not know what else to do!
It breaks my heart. 
I have good figure (I used to be a model and I work out and try to take care of myself) and I am viewed as stunning, but when I look in the mirror now, I see old face and ugliness since my husband preferred someone without any wrinkles, with probably tighter body. Even if I work out every single day, I will never be like 'new' since I am 32 and I gave birth. I cannot find it in me to love myself after what happened.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

rasana said:


> I wrote my reasons above, but the main one is - I do not want to loose my child. With divorce, there is a possibility that my baby would need to spend at least partially time with his dad. I would miss my son but I would not also feel comfortable for my son to be alone with my husband who, after we split, might engage in even riskier relationships, there is no way to foresee. He wants us to be together so I can see him doing stupid things after I leave him, dating 16 year younger girls (as he already did), who might not appropriate caregivers for my child. He already said he would do everything he can to take my son completely from me. I will discuss this issue with him again, because I do not know why he would like sole physical custody (or even partial), since he is focused on career so much and does not have much patience for a child. We are middle class and do not have so many savings, but his parents are very rich and have contacts, and I think they would find the best lawyer in the country to get their grandson. He is probably the only grandchild they will have (there are more but is no blood connection).


Yes you wrote the reason above. But I repeated the questions to get you to think about it. 

Do you live in the USA? If so there is little chance that he can get full custody of your son. At most he might get 50%. You might want to talk to an attorney to start to get an idea of what your rights are in your state.


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## Regga (Jan 22, 2013)

Get yourself a voice automated recorder VAR. Start recording his conversations about sex and get one for his car. 

Copy his diary anyway...who knows what's legal when it's policy for an instructor to follow school guidelines. If he loses his job, how will he afford an attorney to fight you in court?

Your heart-ache and efforts seem genuine...but he's controlling you. His boundaries with sex and respect (especially to you) are not healthy. You really are at risk of his control turning violent. I cannot stress enough that this is DV and it could get worse. Especially if you demand change that has threatened his 'fun.' 

You are never trapped. Find a DV shelter and start to develop a safety plan. Get the copies of the diary, anything that documents his affair, find a way to tell the school about his affair (I trust the school will believe a man's wife when she puts her livelihood on the line for her marriage. The accusation of his affairs with students will be enough to destroy his career; which SHOULD happen!!!!!). 

The suggestions you have read in the forum about how to treat a wayward do not apply to you yet. This is because your safety is at risk. The threats he has made are controlling you. You are not safe. Your children are not safe. However, you may be the safest under the same roof with him, for now! Please think about 1) how to get safe, 2) how to stay safe, and 3) how to get help when you are not safe.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## rasana (Feb 6, 2013)

Regga said:


> Get yourself a voice automated recorder VAR. Start recording his conversations about sex and get one for his car.


So this VAR thing is legal to use? I will look for it online.... where to get it?



> Copy his diary anyway...who knows what's legal when it's policy for an instructor to follow school guidelines. If he loses his job, how will he afford an attorney to fight you in court?


his parents are quite rich



> I cannot stress enough that this is DV and it could get worse. Especially if you demand change that has threatened his 'fun.'


Did this happen to you?
He has been acting violent last year but since the affair is over, he has gotten better if not totally fine. I am not sure if he is violent. I rather think he is depressed. He is demanding many changes and it is all about him. He has expensive taste and so I need to safe money on myself since he has started to spend lots of money lately. 
Also, now, after maybe 20 years of living drug-free because of the religion we practice, he told me he wants to start smoking pot. I understand that many people smoke pot, but in this case he has been doing too many things to bring him back to his teenage year and , as he stressed out in his diary, to freedom. He has enough of marriage and responsibility, I feel, and he wants me to support him in everything. He travels (for business but not only) and leaves me with a child and house to take care of (and full time job to pay for the expenses). I am tired because his affair, possibly prostitutes, now possibly light drugs (which are not legal in our state) , leaving me with all responsibilities at home etc, make me feel very overloaded, while he is having fun, demanding more and more for himself. He helps with house chores while he is at home but he keeps to minimum. I think aged 5-10 years in one year because of the stress and work. When our child was sick, he did not want to take him to a doctor, saying it is my responsibility and he cannot be with him there alone, that he does other things in the house and he will never go to doctor with him alone. I am the one who always takes him but at that time I had to run to work for some meetings etc., and he was staying at home anyway. I do not understand it!!! Why is he like that? Narcissist? Crazy? Depressed? 
As I said, I am not seeing him as violent but I think he is deeply depressed, is perhaps going through midlife crisis although he is only 37 years old. Is it possible????



> Please think about 1) how to get safe, 2) how to stay safe, and 3) how to get help when you are not safe.


For now I need to get US citizenship and I can only apply for it after March. I am also building credit history since I am new to US and I have little savings which would enable me to be safe in case somethings goes terribly wrong. I have a few friends who would take me to their home in case he would ask me to leave (which happened when our son was around 4 months old - I actually had to move out for a few weeks and find a place). Thank you for getting me think about it.


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## Regga (Jan 22, 2013)

I work social services. I see DV a lot. The worst is emotional and mental abuse. The bruises heal, but the memories and and feelings take a lot longer to heal.
I'm in a hurry today, but will get back on here later to discuss how a DV Shelter can help you.


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