# And the Truth comes out finally -- sxbxh is with another woman



## sherri1997 (Jul 9, 2013)

Friday, I finally found out that my stbxh has been dating someone since May, when he told me that he could no longer wait for me to forgive him and left me. I now know that it was b/c he started dating his mother's best friend and next door neighbor.

He went out of town about two weeks ago and I had a gut feeling he wasn't telling me the truth on where he was going but I took care of the kids and worked while he was gone b/c it was his days to have them. I found out that he didn't go where he said he was going at all and spent the weekend with her b/c I found pictures of them together and with family at a wedding together. 

He has lied to me so much and this just tops it all off. He sent her flowers and put on the note "I can't wait to hold you in my arms again. I love you. XOXOX The Love Muffin" I literally threw up when I read that. He already loves her? Really? This is the same girl that him and his mom used to sit around and talk about how mesed up she is and the type of guys that she dates and my husband is not that type of guy but they looked so happy together in the pictures and I can't get that out of my head.

I of course, confronted him on it and he just said he didn't have anything to say. He knows that in our state that dating during separation if we don't have a formal agreement and are not divorced will effect his rights to child custody, alimony and property division. He asked if I was going to destroy him in court and I said he destroyed himself. 

I haven't been able to eat since then. I am working out still and will do that to relieve the stress but I am numb and empty.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

sherri1997 said:


> Friday, I finally found out that my stbxh has been dating someone since May, when he told me that he could no longer wait for me to forgive him and left me. I now know that it was b/c he started dating his mother's best friend and next door neighbor.
> 
> He went out of town about two weeks ago and I had a gut feeling he wasn't telling me the truth on where he was going but I took care of the kids and worked while he was gone b/c it was his days to have them. I found out that he didn't go where he said he was going at all and spent the weekend with her b/c I found pictures of them together and with family at a wedding together.
> 
> ...


I'm sorry. All I can say is you are rid of a piece of crap while the ow just got a piece of crap. You got the better end of this deal.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Sherri I am so sorry you found out this way. It is the absolute worst thing in the world, I know the feeling too well.

They are delusional Sherri, they throw around the word "love" like they actually knows what it means. Truth is they have no idea. They aren't capable of real love, it's beyond them.

You are so much better and stronger than him. You do what you need to now. Use this to your advantage. Come out of this on top and leave him to wallow in his mess. It will come back to get him eventually, trust me.

(((Hugs))) girl, stay strong!!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

From here on out stop telling him what you know. Hopefully your saying something did not drive this more underground. You are going to need evidence of adultery.


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## sherri1997 (Jul 9, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> From here on out stop telling him what you know. Hopefully your saying something did not drive this more underground. You are going to need evidence of adultery.


Nope, I have all the evidence that I need now and he knows it! He dug this hole and he has no way out. He is trying to be nice to me but I told him he is nothing to me now. NOw, he is getting angry b/c he knows that I won't let this one go. I will not continue to hide his little sob story and victim role. I will tell anyone who asks the truth and get his lying as* out of his closet and expose him for what he is. He told me that this will effect the kids and I told him he already did that. I will not allow him to try and destroy me anymore, he has done enough to me. 

This just all helps me get what I want. I want my kids with me while they are in school during the week and I want custody and this will allow me to have that. I don't want anything else from him ... he is dead to me now.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Stay strong Sherri, I know how much this stings.
There will be some who will tell you not to expose his infidelity to the kids. But in this case, he's doing it himself. I tend to believe that infidelity harms the entire family. The children get hurt and I won't lie to them when they ask a question. I never went into graphic detail with the younger one, but she knows the gist of what her dad was up to. This is a fallout he has to come to terms with and he is not capable of that at this moment. As much as it kills at times, try not to badmouth him in front of the kids.
As for his sorry, lying, cheating, rump. Well, the phrase "lock and load" seems applicable.


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## sherri1997 (Jul 9, 2013)

My daughter found the picture of the two of them on my phone and asked me about it. She knows this person already b/c she has been around stbxh when he takes the kids to his parents house b/c this ow lives right next door to his parents. My daughter said she didn't like the picture and told me that it wasn't ok for him to be with her b/c he still loved me. I told her to ask her daddy about it when she was there tonight b/c I had no clue what to say. I told her that her daddy is still a good daddy and that he loves them both very much. 

When she was going to leave to go to her dad's she said that she was going to talk to daddy to make sure that he wasn't going to marry the OW and I had to walk away b/c I was in tears. She is so confused right now and he should have been upfront with them.

So, they leave and I called him and told him what happen and that he needs to talk to the kids about it b/c our daughter has questions. He told me to handle it and hung up on me. I was pissed.

He then sends me these text messages:

*"Really a shame what you are doing to this little girls head ... stop this" and then the best one "YOU are the one who is hurting them right now .. please go get help"*

I sent a text back and told him not to text me or call me again b/c he kept calling too. How dare he tell me to handle this and for me to get help? I am going to call my lawyer tomorrow and ask about a temp custody order until we go to court b/c I don't want my kids around him at all right now. He isn't himself and he is blaming me for everything.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Sherri, thank God my children were old enough to make their wishes known about the ow when he showed up to dinner with her that night. At 24,20& 15 it was quite a blow to them, imagine children who are younger.

If there is anything you can do to keep this woman away from your children do it!!

Be honest with them. As painful as it is for you, stay in control of the situation. Do not allow him to spin his story to them.


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## KNIFE IN THE HEART (Oct 20, 2011)

Sherri,

What a smart and strong woman you are! I am so glad that you are not allowing him to "guilt" you into covering up for him. 

He screwed up. The fact that he is not taking responsibility for his actions just shows what a mess he is. You are better off without him. 

So tough for your kids but they do need honesty. They are getting lies from daddy but they know they can depend on you. 

You are an inspiration!


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## sherri1997 (Jul 9, 2013)

I am not doing good right now and falling apart. I just found out that the OW has been coming up to my H work and this is a small town, so word gets out. That means that she has been staying with him at his apartment. I am literally at the lowest point I have ever been at. I have never felt this much pain in my life. I am not strong enough to get through this.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

You are strong enough Sherri, I know you are.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2galsmom (Feb 14, 2013)

Sherri, you do INDEED want more from him than the children during the week and whatnot. Do not settle for that! Trust me I was exactly like that when I had my issues and I should have been more aggressive about money in addition to the custody arrangement. You should not give up alimony and you should lock into child support during the divorce so you do not need to return to court. It is stressful being the person with sole custody and you do not want the extra strain of no $ on top of it.

I am so sorry you are going through this, I would vomit at love muffin for a variety of reasons.

Good for you for not responding anymore to texts. His texts and mind games will not help. Go into no contact talk to my attorney mode. 

You are strong enough to get through this, do not think, do. Do what you have to do for yourself and your children. Also, this is very important, if you can set up the child supports to be delivered through the courts in your settlement so you can forego him "not paying" which is a trend these days or using it as a blackmail chip to get more time with the children and his new whatever.


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## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

sherri1997 said:


> Friday, I finally found out that my stbxh has been dating someone since May, when he told me that he could no longer wait for me to forgive him and left me. I now know that it was b/c he started dating his mother's best friend and next door neighbor.
> 
> He went out of town about two weeks ago and I had a gut feeling he wasn't telling me the truth on where he was going but I took care of the kids and worked while he was gone b/c it was his days to have them. I found out that he didn't go where he said he was going at all and spent the weekend with her b/c I found pictures of them together and with family at a wedding together.
> 
> ...


My STBXW told me that she was with another man. I know what you're feeling very well.

Although she told me it was a lie afterwards - I believed it to be true for several days, and now because she's lied, I don't know either way. I'm sorry that you're going through this.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

sherri1997 said:


> I am not doing good right now and falling apart. I just found out that the OW has been coming up to my H work and this is a small town, so word gets out. That means that she has been staying with him at his apartment. I am literally at the lowest point I have ever been at. I have never felt this much pain in my life. I am not strong enough to get through this.


Sherri,
Their running around is a reflection on them, not you. They are showing the entire town how trashy folks behave. You stay above it. I know how much this hurts, but you can learn from this pain. Keep breathing. Watch an old movie. Do you Knit? Bake something for the kids. Read an old classic novel. Work out. You are not alone in this.


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## sherri1997 (Jul 9, 2013)

I am standing strong right now. I cried all night last night and this morning but as I was laying in bed, I had to ask myself if I was going to let this defeat me or not? I can't let it b/c that would mean that he wins. So, I got up, got my coffee and called my lawyer. I changed the visitation schedule with my lawyer that they will present to my stbxh lawyer. I also have a letter that is going out to his lawyer that keeps him from having any contact with the posow while my kids are with him and I also have it to where he can't take the kids to his parents house b/c of his father's drinking, which has always been an issue in our marriage.

I called Verizon and got a new phone that won't allow texts so that I can block him from texting me or calling me. I am falling apart but I will not show that to him. 

I have to go get tested b/c he slept with this OW before sleeping with me the last time and I am so embarassed of that. He keeps sending me text messages telling me that I need professional help and talking bad about my family. Basically using all my insecurities against me and I won't respond. 

There is nothing else that I can do except cry in private and fight in public.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

You don't need professional help, he does.

Sherri I'm going to promise you something, right now this probably feels like you're in a dream, like none of it is real and you can't believe this is happening right now. As time passes this will fade. Something will click that makes you really believe that YOU have the upper hand. That you are the better person and as harsh as it sounds you will look down on him.

My stbxh is a shell of what he once was. Give it a little time, you will begin to see the same thing in your stbxh. 

Good for you that you can keep your emotions seperate from the decisions you have to make. I know it's hard but it's the best thing you can do right now. 

Do not listen to a word he says. He only knows who you USED to be with him, not who you are NOW without him.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Sherri, I just caught up with your new thread. I'm so sorry that you found this out, and that he's continuing to be a manipulative, abusive assh0le. You are a very strong woman, and don't forget it, even though you feel down now.

You are taking the steps now to get what you want and what's best for your kids -- *Good for you!!* Don't back down. He will use what he knows hurts you as a weapon against you. It's awesome that you see that clearly -- it might still hurt, but do your best to let the arrows and bullets bounce off of you. 

Major ((hugs)) to you, Sherri. You've got a lot of friends here who love you and who are rooting for you.


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## sherri1997 (Jul 9, 2013)

I am so sorry I haven't been on here to update. It has been a horrible week that I don't even have the energy to go into right now.

To sum it up ... this all just freaking sucks as*! I hit rock bottom yesterday and thought I could just lay down and sleep and didn't care if I woke up. But I have a great support system and they lifted me back up and I am going to be fine. 

I have realized a few things ...

* He can only control my life now, if I allow him to and if I continue the way that I have been, then he has control
* I don't want him back and would never take him back but I am hurting b/c I want him to hurt and that hurt used to make me think that he cares, but he doesn't and he never will
* Only I can change this situation and the control it has over me
* I have to make the decision everyday to get up and move forward
and I dont' know how to do that sometimes, but I have my faith and He will never leave me alone
* This hurts like heLl but it would be worse to still be with him and never know
* God has a plan for me and I have to trust that this is what it is going to take to open my eyes about myself and what I want out of my life b/c it has never been my husband
* no more contact is the best for now. I made sure that he can't contact me and bought a phone for the kids to use to talk with him or for him to call when the kids are with him and I changed my phone number again and he doesn't and won't have my new one
* it is time to focus on me andI don't know how I am going to do that yet but I can't control him or what he does
* I have to let him go so I can heal and repair myself

There are tons of other things that I am slowly accepting or understanding but it will take time to put it all together. I go up and down with emotions but after hitting rock bottom yesterday, the only way to go is up.

But I will get what I need out of this divorce with child support and alimony and I will get custody of my kids b/c I have kept record of everything. I have been primary care giver to my kids their whole life and my lawyer thinks that I have a really strong case to get full custody. But I also have it to where he gets to see them often through the week b/c it is important to me for him to have a relationship with his kids. I know that eventually this other woman will be in their life but I have no control over that, as much as it hurts, I have to accept that.

That is all I have now. I am just trying to stay strong until I actually am. Thanks for all the great advice and keep it coming b/c although I don't post much, I come back here often to read your inspiring words ... they get me through the rough times.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Oh, sweetie, hugs to you.  I'm so sorry. I've forgotten -- do you have an IC? Even if you do, is there also a possibility of finding a support group for women coming out of abusive relationships? If you have a YWCA, you might want to give them a call. They often have free support groups. I have been going to mine for about 2 years now. It has been immensely helpful to make connections with women going through similar things. 

If you don't have a Y in your town, you might want to call your local United Way and ask if they can point you to someplace else that has help for DV survivors. You can never have too much support, especially there where you are. 

You have been given another setback, but you have been smart by documenting everything, you already have a lawyer, and you're taking steps to take care of yourself. You will get through this. You're right: Sometimes you just have to force yourself to get up and go forward. It will get easier, little by little, day by day.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Sherri you are doing a great job under the circumstances. You are taking time to reflect and self evaluate and that is so important at this time. It's going to help you move forward.

When you self reflect and map yourself out realizations like you have it gives you a starting point that will guide you through this. Little by little they will transform from words you have typed out to words you live by.

You need to go through the emotions and the grieving for the end of your marriage. You were on your way but you got hit with a setback. It was the same here. I thought I was moving on, and I was but then he revealed who the ow was and it blew me away.

The good thing, if there is anything that is good, is its all out there now. No matter what comes out it can't hurt you any worse. That's how I look at it, his leaving and the revelation of who it was were the biggest blows. After that, there is nothing that would surprise me because he's hit the bottom of the barrel in my book.

You are strong Sherri. Much stronger than you give yourself credit for. We all see it, you just need to start to really believe it.

Hang in there. ((Hugs))


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## sherri1997 (Jul 9, 2013)

So Since Wednesday, I have looked at this as a new chapter in this whole mess. I have been focused soley on the sxbxh since this all started. I have allowed for him to control everything in my life since before we were even married and that has now stopped. I am not saying that I don't still hurt anymore. I am not saying that I am not angry anymore. But I am saying that I can not focus on him anymore or what he decides to do -- because I can't control that. I have to understand or I am trying to understand that I am only incontrol of myself and how I react and I have not reacted well so far and I have to let that go and start afresh.

I can no longer care if he ever understands how much he has hurt me b/c he will never care. He is so focused on the OW and the joy she is bringing to him right now that he will not pay attention to anything else. And yes, that hurts so bad to understand and admit that but I can't control it. I can only control if I let that break me down any further or if I will let it make me stronger.

I am really trying this new way and I know it is not going to be easy but hte other way hasn't been working for me so maybe this will. I constantly get the image of the two of them together in this happy little fairy tale and I just pray when that happens, I do anything to get it off my mind. I try not to think of reasons to reach out to him, even if it concerns the kids. I just write it down and remember to go over it with him when we have to meet b/c of the kids visitation.

I am reading a really good book right now on what to expect with going to court, if it comes to that for custody. And it all terrifies me but guess what -- I can't control the outcome. I just have to do what is best for my kids and that is all I can do. Giving up control of everything around me is not easy, but I am learning.

I am trying really hard to not think about the two of them together and what their plans and life might be like. I am trying to focus on my future and gettting myself to a healthy place within myself and not with the help of someone else coming into my life to make it seem to be all better. This is the hardest part for me b/c I don't want him to be happy. I hate that he decided to pick her over me and that is the hardest part. 

I am taking it each day and each moment and working towards getting the negative thoughts out of my head, which isn't easy. 

A huge thing happen yesterday with my work schedule. I was able to get my work schedule changed to be able to not have to use childcare while I am sleeping b/c I work 3rd shift. This was a potentially negative thing that he could use against me in court b/c he doesn't have to use any childcare b/c he only has the kids on his days off. So, I work 3rd shift when he has the kids and I work while they are in school now on my days with them so I don't have to depend on childcare and that was huge for me yesterday as he now doesn't really have any leverage to have them with joint custody! I have been the primary caretaker of my kids since they were born and have always worked part-time, even though I didn't have to. I chose to work part-time and I am so glad that I did now b/c I work from home and I can still take care of my kids and be there like I was before. 

Today, we have a filled day ahead of us. I am going to the gym to punch the heLl out of a punching bag for kickboxing and then taking my kids to a kids exhbit and then to parents night out with their friends. TOmorrow we have church and then they go to their dad's. I am doing okay right now and I am getting stronger now that I am trying to retrain my thoughts to positive versus negative!

Thanks again for all the wonderful feedback ... I appreciate it more than you know!


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Sherri that's great about getting your work schedule straightened out. That's great that it works well for you and your kids.

The mind images, they could drive you crazy. It did to me. It destroyed me every time it happened. It does get easier though. The last time it happened to me was in August I work in retail and I was watching these husbands and wives shopping together and it just threw me over the edge. I pictured when it was us that used to do that and then that image was replaced by the two of them together. I couldn't get it under control and ended up in tears.

Part of making it better it training your mind to switch your thoughts. When the image enters your mind do something to switch it. Believe it or not reciting the alphabet. Counting backward from 100 can switch it off. For me I had a lot of talks with God when they would pop into my head.

Also just switching what you are doing can stop them. The night I was at work I got called to customer service. Just the switch of the area I was in, having to deal with people and having to focus on the problem snapped me out of it.

Good to hear you're keeping busy this weekend, that's great. Just keep hanging in there Sherri, your doing a great job through all this!


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Hi Sherri,
Wow, so much of a change in your outlook, and its so inspirational. I love the idea of changing your focus to you. You are absolutely right, he is solely focused on himself. Perhaps one day he will realize the pain he has caused, but you are wise not to wait for that day to come.
And kickboxing! That should be mandatory therapy for every betrayed-it sounds so cathartic. I'm glad you have such a filled and loving weekend planned out for you and the kids.
Hugs.


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## sherri1997 (Jul 9, 2013)

Thanks everyone. THat workout kicked my butt but the best part was my kids, standing there and cheering me on b/c they can see me from the childcare room.

I came to an actual great place today of the fact that who he is now disgusts me. If the OW wants that for her life, then she can have him. I don't want him anymore as I could never care about him the way that I should as a wife. I just want this to be over ... he makes me sick to my stomach on who he is now. The hardest part for me is the rejection part of it, but I can focus on that and know that he wasn't really rejecting me ... he was rejecting me asking him to become a better man and husband ... that was what he wasn't able to do in the end and why he decided the course of action that he did. I will no longer let that hold me down b/c I can rise above it and be a better person in the end b/c of it.


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## sherri1997 (Jul 9, 2013)

So this morning I am freaking angry. I am angry b/c he is off living his life and neverhas to worry about the kids b/c I have them while he is out messing with this new OW. I know that I will move past this stage but this anger is eating at me so I have to get it out.

He called the kids yesterday on my home phone and I didn't see it until late last night. Since we were out late, I went ahead and had my daughter calll him back to tell him goodnight. He starts quizzing her on why she is still up and where I was, ect. It pissses me off so much for him to be quizzing her about stupid stuff when I haven't done near as much as he has to damage them. It is like he is looking for any reason he can to point a finger at me and I am so freaking over it. 

He has three days that he doesn't have to worry about the kids .. he gets to live a single life where him and this OW can do whatever they want and I am mad b/c he was able to find that. I remember the whole time in counseling that he would always say that he wished he could do this or have this or for me to do this or that. Well, his expectations weren't obtainable b/c we had our kids. But now he can do all these things and he is with this new OW from what I can see and I am so angry that his life is just falling into place and he is so happy.

Ok, my vent is over but I had to get it out. Thanks for listening.


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## LaQueso (Dec 30, 2012)

I get angry too. My STBXH jumped ship and is now living it up on POSOW's dime and threatening to take the kids too while I'm trying to steer a crashing plane from coach. Every now and then white hot rage surges through me.
Then I remember that the kids really feel comfortable with me. When he has them, it's my turn to do whatevah I want! Mostly it's sleeping since I still am not sure what to do with myself. Sometimes I dress super fierce and then just go see a movie or the bookstore. And I know he notices that I look good, our kids make him acknowledge it. That makes me grin. So what if I sound like I'm cackling when I laugh!I know the piece of work he's trapped himself with is an evil, ugly, shrewish step down, and he suffers from buyer's remorse! Hah!!!
Yours does too! Bwahahaha!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Sherri,
My STBXH hasn't see his kids in six months and I completely understand your anger. He also hasn't paid child support in months because he's living off the OW. No paycheck for me to garnish. The anger can eat you up. Just try to remember that while he thinks he's got his dream life, he's also losing his kids. They know who is there for them and who cares for them. As they get older they will see the kind of man he has become. Actions have consequences. At least that's what I'm trying to tell myself.


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## sherri1997 (Jul 9, 2013)

So, I have been doing great with this No contact thing since Wed with the jerk. Today, hehad to come get the kids and I had my neighbor here so I could be gone. I sent him an email per my attorney to advise him that I will be out of town for the holidays this year and copied my lawyer on it. This is how it went down:

From me:

*Hello,

I wanted to notify you well in advance that the kids and I will be flying to Seattle, WA to visit my sister and brother during the Christmas holiday this year. As of now, our plans are to leave on Tuesday, Dec 24th and return the following Sat or Sunday.

Thank-you,*

From him:

*OK .... just be safe .. it us a dangerous time to travel ... the kids and I will be visiting my mom and dad in Fayetteville for thanksgiving ...*

From me:

*Hello,

No, I have the kids on the major holidays this year and they are not allowed to be around OW right now per the information that my lawyer sent to your lawyer. 

Thank-you,*

From him:

*What are you talking about .. there is no formal arrangement that we had agreed upon for holidays at this point ... my parents would like to see the kids for thanksgiving ..*

From me:

*You can discuss this information with your lawyer but the kids are not to be anywhere near your parents home right now due to your relationship with OW as she lives right next door to your parents. Your parents are more than welcome to visit you here for Thanksgiving and you can have the kids for the afternoon, but they will not be allowed to travel to Fayetteville with you.

Thank-you,*

From him:

*Whatever you say Sherri ... *

Another one from him:

*Your "dad" won't be in Washington state I am assuming during the holidays ...*

Then another from him:

*And there has been
No "formal arrangement" on who gets the kids on what days or holidays ... you can bleed this out as long as you want Sherri... I am not putting up with your games anymore .. the kids want to spend thanksgiving with my parents ... they haven't seen their grandma in months ... *

From me:

*Hello,

Please discuss this with your lawyer. Have a great night with the kids.*


From him:

*OK Sherri ... D and S want to spend Thanksgiving with my parents .. that is important to my family that the kids are there *

From me:

*Please discuss this with your lawyer. THe kids are not allowed near OW right now and again, your parents are more than welcome to come here but the kids will not be going to your parents home anytime in the near future.

Thank-you,*

I haven't heard back from him again and if I do, I won't respond. Why does he always tell me that I am trying to play a game? I am not playing any games here but I do not want my kids around this OW right now. My daughter already tells me how much she loves this OW b/c he has had her around them this whole summer and I had no clue. That isn't fair to them or healthy for them as he is lying to them and when my daughter asks me about it, I tell her to talk to her dad. My daughter isn't stupid and I am not going to lie to her. 

What do you guys think about this? Could I have handled it any different?


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

If you have a formal arrangement, you can email him a copy of it (or have your lawyer do it for you - but you might get charged for that). Once you've done that, all you have to reply with is "Please refer to the agreement." 

It sounds like he's bringing the kids into this by asking their opinion on things, rather than following the agreement. That's unfair to the kids and to you. Unfortunately, you may not have much legal standing to prevent the kids from being around OW, as the courts don't seem to care about that anymore. Even if you can get that into a parenting plan, it's up to you to enforce it, and that means taking him back to court every time he violates the agreement, which costs you money. The cheaters know this, too. And in fact, the latest trend in the courts is towards the parents getting along in front of the kids no matter what one of the parents might be doing. It puts a burden on the BS, because even speaking the truth can be viewed as 'bad-mouthing' the WS, and the BS can be in trouble. I know my Ex held this over my head when we were in that time between him going public with posOW, figuring out the parenting plan, and getting the divorce. He couldn't hide the grin on his face when we walked out of the mandatory post-divorce parenting 'class', where they talked about this very thing. It sucks, but I'm just giving you the sh!tty reality, Sherry. Others here on TAM have dealt with the same thing. 

If he won't follow the agreement as far as who gets the kids on the holidays, then you might have something to stand on, because that's more of a visitation/custody thing.


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## sherri1997 (Jul 9, 2013)

How do they turn into these people? I used to go to my h for everything and now I can't say a thing to him. It is out of my control and i am trying ot trust it but daMN, I can't do this much longer. I am trying to do this all the right way but I jsut don't get how someone that used to love me can do all of this to me?


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

sherri1997 said:


> How do they turn into these people? I used to go to my h for everything and now I can't say a thing to him. It is out of my control and i am trying ot trust it but daMN, I can't do this much longer. I am trying to do this all the right way but I jsut don't get how someone that used to love me can do all of this to me?


Who knows what happens to them, something snaps and they just turn into these other people. It's something that we will probably never understand. The thing is as time goes on it will matter less and less. 

Just keep doing what you're doing. You are doing the right thing.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

sherri1997 said:


> How do they turn into these people? I used to go to my h for everything and now I can't say a thing to him. It is out of my control and i am trying ot trust it but daMN, I can't do this much longer. I am trying to do this all the right way but I jsut don't get how someone that used to love me can do all of this to me?


I *totally* understand this. Chinless was my best friend, the one person I trusted more than I'd ever trusted anyone. And then he turned into this lying, cheating, manipulative, selfish, etc., etc., bazturd, and I wonder how I ever chose to have a child with him. 

It will end, though, Sherri. You will come out of this OK. It's true that you have to just let some things go, but you and your kids will be OK. Don't let him steamroll you. Keep kicking his ass in the gym. Pretend it's a type of voodoo doll.


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## sherri1997 (Jul 9, 2013)

angelpixie said:


> I *totally* understand this. Chinless was my best friend, the one person I trusted more than I'd ever trusted anyone. And then he turned into this lying, cheating, manipulative, selfish, etc., etc., bazturd, and I wonder how I ever chose to have a child with him.
> 
> It will end, though, Sherri. You will come out of this OK. It's true that you have to just let some things go, but you and your kids will be OK. Don't let him steamroll you. Keep kicking his ass in the gym. Pretend it's a type of voodoo doll.


Had to laugh at this b/c it is so his face that I think about as I am beating the crap out of that bag. I guess I will never understand him anymore. And I have so given him what he has wanted up until now and if I waive at all, he is right back at trying to get my sucked back in but not this time. I refuse to do this anymore, especially now that he has the OW in the picture. It is comforting to know that at work, he isn't the same person he used to be. A friend of mine confides in me about him and tells me that there is a sadness in his eyes that has never been there before and that she knows he is like a shell of someone now and that makes me feel better. B/c if you don't have a heart and he clearly doesn't, then you are a shell of a person and that is what this OW is getting. But I am taking the time I need to in order to heal and he can't take that away from me .. just kicking myself in teh butt for allowing him this much time in my life since he chose to walk out the door.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Don't kick yourself in the butt, Sherri. You did it because you loved him and you believed in your marriage. Now you know, without a doubt, that you did everything you could for him and your marriage. Your conscience can be clear. This is on him. Be proud of yourself for trying as hard as you did, even for someone who didn't end up deserving it. 

Now, put that much work and energy into getting your life back, without that weight dragging you down. Eventually, you'll feel like I did -- it's why I titled my LAD thread "Lose weight instantly!" -- my D from him was like losing a 180 lb weight that was hanging around my neck, dragging me down. There is still pain and hurt from time to time, but not even a tiny fraction of what it used to be.


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## sherri1997 (Jul 9, 2013)

2galsmom said:


> They always were these people. The circumstances in life and the environment changes and with time you can no longer endure them.
> 
> Sherri, limit what you put into emails to protect yourself legally.
> 
> ...


THanks so much galsmom. I am now watching what I put in emails and making it to where there is no doubt that I want him involved in my kids life. I am reading a book about all this and what can and can't be used against in you in court so I am really careful now with what I send via email.


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## sherri1997 (Jul 9, 2013)

angelpixie said:


> Don't kick yourself in the butt, Sherri. You did it because you loved him and you believed in your marriage. Now you know, without a doubt, that you did everything you could for him and your marriage. Your conscience can be clear. This is on him. Be proud of yourself for trying as hard as you did, even for someone who didn't end up deserving it.
> 
> Now, put that much work and energy into getting your life back, without that weight dragging you down. Eventually, you'll feel like I did -- it's why I titled my LAD thread "Lose weight instantly!" -- my D from him was like losing a 180 lb weight that was hanging around my neck, dragging me down. There is still pain and hurt from time to time, but not even a tiny fraction of what it used to be.


You are very right! I did do everything I could to save the marriage and I can walk away with at least knowing that. 

I love your thread about how to lose weight. Funny story from this summer. I went to our pool that the kids and I always go to and the pool manager told me that I lost a lot of weight (I had lost like 30 pds at that point) and I told her, "yes, I lost 180 pds" and she just looked at me. and I said "150 pds from my husband and 30 pds for myself b/c I am getting a divorce" She just laughed but it is so true. I no longer carry the burden of everything that he did to make me doubt myself as a wife on a daily basis. Thanks again for all your advice ... this place is a godsend for me!


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## sherri1997 (Jul 9, 2013)

I am still holding strong. DOn't know if I have ever mentioned it on here before or not but ex is using our old bank account and he won't change it or get a new one, so I am still on the account. I have asked him to get his own account and he said he will, he just hasn't done it yet. So, I can see his pending charges when I pull up my account online b/c my online profile shows all my accounts. I have called the bank and asked them to please take that acct off my online profile but they can't b/c I am the primary. So, the jerk knows that I can see everything that he does on his account. In a way, this helps b/c my lawyer has access to his accounts but I also hate seeing what he spends money on. The good thing is that if he doesn't want me to see any charges on his account, then he uses cash and so he never really uses his card anywhere except for gas, groceries and bills.

But today, I go online to balance my checkbook and see a pending charge to Bath and Body Works and then a deposit of cash into his account. So, that means that he went to the mall and had cash on him but used his debit card to purchase something at Bath and Body works. I normally would have sent some smart text about buying something for his OW (I so want to use other names for her) but I didn't and I won't. I know my ex very well and I know the games that he plays. He isn't getting reactions out of me so he is going to do some side things to see what he can do and if that doesn't work, then he will try something else. This is the way he gets to me but I am trying so hard to remain strong and not cave to his stupid games. The purchase might not have been for the OW but he is going to see her on Thursday and they are going ziplining together so who knows and really, I don't care.

I thought it would bother me all day long but I just can't care anymore. Last night got a little rough for me but only b/c of the kids and what they are having to go through. I called a counselor today that specializes in children and has his PhD and I am hoping to be able to get my kids in there to start seeing him if he isn't too expensive. 

The only other contact I had with him today was about my son and I sent a quick text to him to tell him to make sure to send son to lunch bunch tomorrow afternoon please and I didn't hear back from him. So I waited for awhile and when I never heard back from him I sent him a quick message to ask him to just confirm that he got my message so I wouldn't worry about son being picked up at the right time. He sent back "yes, I got your message Sherri... whatever you want, you always get what you want" I didn't respond to it, I am over it.

I went to another workout class tonight and let me tell you .. hitting that bag is so nice for me. I actually do picture his face or my anger and let it out. I push myself harder than I ever have before and it feels really good when I am done.

Not much else new is happening. I wish there was a way to not have to exchange kids with him. It would be so much easier if I just didn't have to see him at all. It helps when I have no communication with him. I have another appointment on Friday with my lawyer and I sent her a really long email today, asking all kinds of questions that are rolling around in my head but haven't heard back from her yet. Just wanted to do a quick update so thanks for listening


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## philglossop (Apr 22, 2013)

The thing is- if this account you can see what he's buying wouldn't the same apply to him?

So go out and treat YOURSELF to something from that account. Heck after the events of the last few days there must be something however big or small you can treat yourself to?

And if he can't see that account- still go out and buy yourself something. In my case months ago, it was a picture which now hangs in my lounge and I'll never forget the feeling that this was the picture my XH never picked, it's mine and was my start to recovery- the best thing was it only cost £20 or $30. But it was the start of my beginning.


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## sherri1997 (Jul 9, 2013)

philglossop said:


> The thing is- if this account you can see what he's buying wouldn't the same apply to him?
> 
> So go out and treat YOURSELF to something from that account. Heck after the events of the last few days there must be something however big or small you can treat yourself to?
> 
> And if he can't see that account- still go out and buy yourself something. In my case months ago, it was a picture which now hangs in my lounge and I'll never forget the feeling that this was the picture my XH never picked, it's mine and was my start to recovery- the best thing was it only cost £20 or $30. But it was the start of my beginning.


no, he can't see my account b/c his name isn't on it. And I can't see the savings account that he has b/c my name isn't on it. I don't know why they cant remove it at least off my profile, but they can't so I have just dealt with it. Again, he mostly uses it for day to day things ... actually he doesn't really do that. since most of his income is cash, he just uses cash and has told me that he won't use the account for anything that he doesn't want me to see b/c he knows that I look. I don't really bother with looking anymore past the pending charges b/c those are the only ones that show up but it is kind of hard to miss the Bath and Body works. But oh well ... if he got her that, then good for him and her. I just went there three days ago and got myself all new lotions and home smelly good things so I don't need him for that. he is such a fool by thinking that this relationship with her will go anywhere ... I just have to sit back and wait for it to fall apart and smile just a bit bigger when I have to see him so I can silently scream "i told you so and now you have nothing" But that is the mean side of me and I will let her go back to her corner for now.


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## philglossop (Apr 22, 2013)

So, you went to the same shop he took her to to treat yourself? Sherri, here in the Uk there is a shop I used to go to with my x, to treat myself/him with.

But thanks to facing the thought of going there, I didn't and discovered the smaller independent shops who sell the same stuff at a fraction of the price, plus when I walk in now- it's not corporate faceless "Good morning Sir", but "Hiya Phil- how did you find that aftershave?" Plus I get a coffee out of it and the odd freebee as was call it in the UK.

And the really best bit- out of the ashes I've made a really good mate who runs the shop- the sort of woman who never in my wildest dreams would I have called a friend- but now is. The only annoying thing is- she can drink me under the table with a gin and tonic!!!


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## sherri1997 (Jul 9, 2013)

So today has been a huge setback for me but I didn't cave in. Here is the short version of what happen ...

I get a letter in my email coming from the stbxh lawyer and this is what it said.



*"In regard to the emotional distress of the children, we are unsure where this is coming from as my client has not had the children around anyone that could faintly be described as a romantic interest in at least seven to eight month. We do know that Sherri has shown, or allowed the kids to see, a picture of a friend of stbxh and the family and has told them that "they are not allowed to be around her and that if they are, to call mommy and she will pick you up". This has upset the children as they have known and liked this person for years. It seems that any problems in this regard are being caused by your client which is regrettable. In regard to alcohol use, neither my client nor I are aware of a problem on his part. While he works in the service industry as a bartender, he does not have a problem with alcohol abuse"*

At this point, I am furious b/c these are straight out lies. I responded to my lawyer and let her know the details and the lies that are being told. I didn't get all emotional about it, just stated facts like what my daughter was telling me and also facts about his non-alcohol issues but the police being called out b/c he was playing with fire arms and was too drunk to drive and the time my daughter called me in the middle of the night to come get her milk b/c the aS$ hole was drunk and passed out. All of these things I have record of and he knows it but yet, he lies. I didn't contact him after I got this and just wrote my lawyer back. Then for him to say this OW has been a family friend for years??? Are you kidding me. She has been friends with his mother and I have been to his mothers house several times and I have NEVER seen her there. My kids met her once before we were separated bc my daughter got bit by his mother's dog and the OW came over to help b/c she is a nurse, but that is the only contact my kids ever had with her until he got romantically involved with her. All LIES!

Then I get an email about our arrangements for pickup of our son tomorrow. My idea was to do my workout class and have the ex pick up my son from childcare. This way, I don't have to get face to face with him and him start his drama with me there. He starts going into all this crap about what all he has to do with the kids and I should be the one to bring the kids to him.

The worst part is that he is using my daughter. I haven't said one bad word about this girl to my daughter. I told her I didn't know teh OW and that she needed to talk to daddy about anything else. But she just keeps talking about her over and over and I want to scream but I just smile and listen. But when she tells me that daddy tells her I am lying about everything and that my brain is messed up ... all I can tell her is that I promise I will not lie to her about anything if she asks me and that we both love her so much. I am getting her into counseling at my church so I hope that helps. I hate him for doing this to our kids ... what kind of sick person does this and then blames someone else for it? I am so freaking tired of it. 

Then I get a call from a hostess that works there that I have been friends with for years and she told me that she wanted to tell me something that she thought I should know. I have asked her not to tell me anything about anything that happens there but she said she felt this was important. she said that there was a younger guy in there tonight, talking to stbxh and she overheard the guy say "do you want me to run a background check on her" and stbxh said "no, I already know her background so that isn't needed" his girlfriend does have a record against her but I am not paying the money to pull it up until I talk to my lawyer but I don't know who he was talking about or what he was saying and i am not going to ask him 
and then to top it off .... he just lowered my child support again and says he can't afford it but is taking off of work on Fri and Sat to spend the weekend with OW .... it makes me see red!!!

So, he is texting me and emailing me and telling me what a horrible mother I am b/c I am putting all this garbage in their head and that they like the OW and I am damaging them. I don't respond, except with "Please talk with your lawyer about this and stop emailing me and texting me". He just keeps on and on. But I held strong and didn't give in. His last text to me was "Despite what you think ... I am not your enemy here" ... 

I am so angry right now b/c of all of this. He lies about everything and I can't even stand the thought of looking at him right now.He hates being viewed as the bad guy and hates it even more when I don't react the way he wants me to react but let me tell you, I am a cold stone b!tch when I want to be and he hasn't seen me this angry ever. He will not turn my kids against me. I will not allow it. I will not talk bad about him to them and never will but they will see his lies once he decides to tell them about the OW. Right now, he keeps referring to her as his mother's neighbor. And my daughter is upset with me??? God, please calm me down!


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## sherri1997 (Jul 9, 2013)

Again, another set back. I finally reached the Dr that I was talking about that specializes in child psychology and he said that he has to have both parents agree to counseling in our state. So, I called the as$ hole and he said that our kids didn't need help and that when the time comes, he will tell the kids about the OW. Really? You don't care that our youngest is withdrawn and always silent now. You don't care that our daughter says she doesn't love her daddy anymore? You don't care that they are more confused that we are? He is scum of this earth and I told him that. I told him that he is scum b/c he has put his children through this and that I will pay for the counseling sessions, I just need him to sign off on it. I don't care if he ever gets help ... I just want my kids to have someone that they can talk to and he said no ... I am so angry right now. He just sent me this text message:

*"I really don't know what your angle is ... I just want this divorce finalized amd child support arrangements to be set .. I don't understand your whole song and dance"*

Of course I am not responding but I am so angry at him for not putting his kids first iin this.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

This is so sad Sherri, he absolutely refuses to acknowledge that his choices are harming others. Is there a way you can still get your daughter into counseling through your church? How about a school counselor?
He is scum. Don't let him slide on the child support because he "says" he can't afford more. There are guidelines and he's just going to have to get over it.
Hugs.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Oh Sherri, that really does suck. It's like that in our state, too. I don't understand why they make laws like that. They must not have experience with people like our exes. I agree with Pluto. Can you talk to the school counselor(s) for your kids? If you have a good one, I would think they'd be concerned enough for the child that they would perhaps sent a letter to _both_ of you, saying they recommend counseling for your child based on what they're seeing. It might shame him into allowing it, or if he still refuses, you have another thing to take to the judge to show his incompetence.


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## sherri1997 (Jul 9, 2013)

I just got off the phone with my lawyer and have great news. I don't want to share on here just in case the jerk can see this but it is good news.

I am okay today. I am not seeing red like I was yesterday and this morning. He is an a$$ and there is nothing that is going to change that. I don't want the lowlife that he has become now and I don't care who he is out doing as long as it doesn't impact my kids. My lawyer said to day and I quote "if he is out on town, screwing around then it is time to take action and we will be doing just that" She is tired of the emails that I copy her on from him and seeing what games he is playing. It is amazing to me that everyone else can spot these games from a mile away but it took me 12 years.

I was dreading this next month in Nov b/c it is our anniversary and we can legally file on our anniversary but now it is a positive day for me and I am ready to get this crap over with and move on with my life with my kids. I will get them into some sort of counseling b/c of what they have faced and what is to come with their father b/c I know his lifestyle isn't going to be something that I can control but I can help my kids to be able to handle it.

He is lower than scum to me now and doesn't even deserve my time, my anger, my sadness or my tears. He deserves nothing and I hope that he can get his life together for the sake of my kids b/c I will never allow him back into my life now that I see him for the a$$ that he is.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

You go, Sherri!!! I'm so happy that you got your good news. You sound so much better.


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## sherri1997 (Jul 9, 2013)

I have to keep coming back here to read what I wrote over and over to stay strong. Yesterday was good. I had all this stuff planned but then decided to just hang out at the house after I finished Christmas shopping and watch TV. It was nice. Then I worked on all my stuff for my lawyer for time and dates that everything happen and got that done for my meeting with her tomorrow.

I am waiting for tomorrow and this weekend to pass. It is going to be hard knowing that he is out of town with her all weekend. I wish that didn't bother me b/c I would have to be spending the weekend with him but I just want to send like a card or something to her and tell her to have a great weekend with a married man. Childish, I know and I wouldn't do that but still ... what the heck is she thinking? Maybe it is just me, but I wouldn't date a man that is separated.

So for whatever reason, I am struggling with that this morning and I am not looking forward to thinking about it all weekend.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

So don't think about it all weekend. You are a strong, determined woman. Fill your time and your mind with something else.
Like explain to me how you're finishing your Christmas shopping when I haven't even purchased Halloween candy yet, and can I hire you to be my personal shopper?


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Your Christmas shopping is done?? Jeeze, I haven't even started to think about it yet!!

You're going to have days like this Sherri, it takes time but you are doing good. Give yourself a break.


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## sherri1997 (Jul 9, 2013)

I don't know if I can get through this guys. It is killing me knowing that he is spending the weekend with her. I haven't reached out to him at all or texted him or anything but I want to so bad and I know that won't make me feel better. I just don't understand and I don't know why this is killing me so bad


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

You can get through this. I know it's so hard to do right now but you can.
Don't call him, don't text him. It won't do any good.
It drives us crazy because we let our minds run away with the thought. In the beginning I would get so sad and depressed when I would think about what they were up to. Valentine's day was horrible!
You need to try to get your mind off of him.

As soon as you feel your mind wandering try to get involved with something else. Don't let it carry you away.

I can tell you Sherri with time it gets easier. Once in a while thoughts enter my head but I know how to stop them. It also matters less and less to me what he's up to. I have my own life now. So do you. You are starting to build a really great life for you and your kids. Just try to focus on that right now.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Sherri, 
Go read smallsteps first posts about her X, and then re-read her latest advice to you. That is the perfect example of how time and strength can change you entire outlook on the world, and more importantly your outlook on him. He is not being honorable to you or the kids, you are. Do you really want a partner who behaves that way? Of course not.
_He is lower than scum to me now and doesn't even deserve my time, my anger, my sadness or my tears. He deserves nothing and I hope that he can get his life together for the sake of my kids b/c I will never allow him back into my life now that I see him for the a$$ that he is.
_
Those are your words. You can do this.


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## littlejaz (Oct 17, 2013)

Wow, Sherri, I just read through this entire thread and bless your heart. You are a strong woman and a great mother. You will get through this with your head held high. The one thing I have found in dealing with my divorce and reading about others' experiences is that a lot of the WS seem to project what they are doing onto the spouse that they betrayed. He accuses you of doing the things that he is actually doing. I believe they do this to try to lessen the guilt they feel. 

As for the OW, you said that his family had previously talked about her being a whack job, so instead of letting it tear you up that he is with her, be thankful that they have each other. Believe me as long as he has her, he will pester you less than he would if he was alone. So it really is a blessing to you. And they are both cheaters, so eventually they will probably cheat on each other.

Lastly, the one thing that keeps me strong when the evil side of me tries to come out, is to remember that I have to look at myself in the mirror everyday and I will NOT let that view be tainted by him. I know how hard it is to continually be the bigger person when you really want to lay into him and/or her, but dont' let them drag you down to their level. You keep your head high and your view clear and you will prevail in the end. And as your kids grow up and mature, they will look back at who did and said what and they will know who had their best interests at heart.

You go girl and keep punching that bag. LOL


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

I would second everything that's been said here. It is reaaalllly hard to know that the man who should be giving you his attention is giving it to someone else. That's one reason why you're hurting. I think most, if not all of us, have been there. 

Something that will help a LOT is a cold dose of reality. You might, deep down, miss what hoped you would get with him. But now you know you wouldn't. He hasn't been like that. He's been mean, nasty, cruel, and an utter a$$hole to you and your kids. Contacting him would only bring more of the same. Don't bring even more pain on yourself.

It's not fair that he's found his 'nice guy' and is using it on a skank. But trash attracts trash. You are most definitely NOT trash, Sherri. Keep reminding yourself that you deserve so much better. HUGS!!


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## sherri1997 (Jul 9, 2013)

STBXH wrote this to me tonight about the kids and going to counseling ...

*"I am not prohibiting you from doing what you think is best ... however .. they have shown no psychological signs that they are struggling right now ... D is doing VERY well in school and appears to be progressing nicely.. S seems to be going through a phase right now like D did at his age ... I do think that pushing the issue on them and amplifying it to them at such a young age will do more harm than good ... please just stop pushing this on them so much and by no means not pit them against us... they are very young and they will be fine. "*

This is what I wrote back:

*"I understand what you are thinking and where you are thinking that they will be fine but they are old enough to understand and for this to impact them. They need to have someone they can talk to about their concerns and problems that isn't us b/c we can't discuss it without it seeming to them like we are quizzing them about something as stupid as what they eat for dinner when they are with me. This places mistrust in both of us. Again, you don't come from a broken home where your parents have divorced and although your parents aren't perfect by any means (as no parent is) I think getting them into counseling will help both of them. 

I know you don't want to hear this but both D and S tell me every single day that they don't want to go to daddy's house and the only reason I can get them to not be upset about it is reminding them that you have a game system for them to play with. This is not okay for them to be ok to see you just because you have a game system.

Furthermore, when they discover the truth about the lies you have told them and the reasons you ended their security of our marriage, they will need someone to talk to. You can push your crap under the rug and run away from your problems but I won't allow that for the kids.

I will make an appointment and I will need your signature saying it is ok. IF you refuse, then I will have my lawyer draft the request to your lawyer.

Thank-you for putting the kids first for once versus yourself."*

Then he wrote back:

*"I do not believe the children need therapy at this point... However if you feel that they do need to go to therapy it is because of your actions and what you are imposing on them... If they do go to therapy, I would like to be involved..."*

I know I was a bit harsh there but it had to be said. I am tired of him saying that the kids will be ok when they aren't at all right now. When I was putting my daughter to bed tonight, I asked her how her day was and she said she was sad. I asked her why and she told me b/c I don't live with daddy anymore. That is heartbreaking. I asked her if she wanted to talk about it and she told me no b/c it makes her too sad. Yet, he is always saying that they are fine and to leave them alone. If i was to even try to talk to him about her saying that, then he would tell me that I am pushing her into being sad and that it is all my fault. I am so tired of this and him.


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## littlejaz (Oct 17, 2013)

Do whatever you have to to get them into counseling.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Sherri- 
My stbxh never believed in counseling. He thought it was all bs. I begged him to go when we were first married and he refused. I asked him to go the night he left and he said no. Instead of working on issues he found someone else. Real mature huh?

My point is you'll never convince him that it is the right thing for the kids. People like our stbxh' s see it as a weakness. 

During 2006 - 2008 we had a lot of bad things happen in our lives. I had 2 miscarriages, my father in law passed away, my grandmother passed away and then my mother in law passed away. My youngest was 8-10 years old during this time. He was affected by all the sadness and I had him see the school guidance counselor. My stbxh hated the idea. He felt our son would "get over it" that we were making a big deal out of nothing.

Do what you need to do. You know what is best for your children.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

angelpixie said:


> It's not fair that he's found his 'nice guy' and is using it on a skank. But trash attracts trash. You are most definitely NOT trash, Sherri. Keep reminding yourself that you deserve so much better. HUGS!!


They don't really find their inner nice guy, they just hide the bad side. Eventually it eats away at them because let's face it, a leopard doesn't change his spots.

My cousin who is a therapist told me something early on. I remember saying to her that it wasn't fair that he became Mr nice guy with ow. She said:

"SS he hasn't changed. He's going to look for other outlets for his controlling, narcissistic ways so be careful because he's going to try to run yours and the kids lives."

She also said it will end up eating him alive if I shut him down.

Well I did shut him down, and it is eating him alive.

Yours is going to try to do the same Sherri. Don't let him and watch it eat him alive.


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## KNIFE IN THE HEART (Oct 20, 2011)

sherri1997 said:


> STBXH wrote this to me tonight about the kids and going to counseling ...
> 
> *"I am not prohibiting you from doing what you think is best ... however .. they have shown no psychological signs that they are struggling right now ... D is doing VERY well in school and appears to be progressing nicely.. S seems to be going through a phase right now like D did at his age ... I do think that pushing the issue on them and amplifying it to them at such a young age will do more harm than good ... please just stop pushing this on them so much and by no means not pit them against us... they are very young and they will be fine. "*
> 
> ...


Sheri, why respond to his first comment? You are not going to change his mind. Responding to him is feeding his ego. Just stick to the facts e.g."I would like to send the kids to counselling. If you do not give permission it will have to go through the lawyers". Then just leave it at that. Having theses arguments with him is not helpful for you. If you really need to respond then write out your response then tear it up. Stop adding fuel to the fire. 

For this weekend, if you really feel the need to text, why not just post here? That way you are getting your feelings out but you are not starting anything with him. And we totally understand your need to do this and will be cheering you along!


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

smallsteps said:


> They don't really find their inner nice guy, they just hide the bad side. Eventually it eats away at them because let's face it, a leopard doesn't change his spots.


Thanks, SS. I wasn't very clear, but that's what I was trying to get across. He can't possibly be truly 'nice' to posOW, and treat Sherri and their kids so badly. It's all an act.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

angelpixie said:


> Thanks, SS. I wasn't very clear, but that's what I was trying to get across. He can't possibly be truly 'nice' to posOW, and treat Sherri and their kids so badly. It's all an act.


I figured that's where you were going. 

You're absolutely right, it's all an act.


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## sherri1997 (Jul 9, 2013)

I want to start off by saying I needed this, this morning. I couldnt' sleep all night and I came straight here with my coffee and I already feel better.

I want to respond to some of the posts so I can hit each one so bear with me.


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## sherri1997 (Jul 9, 2013)

littlejaz said:


> Do whatever you have to to get them into counseling.


Littlejaz -- Thank-you for your earlier response as well as this one. I appreciate and love your advice and want to thank-you for coming here to cheer me up when I get down. I am going to get them into counseling and I am going to have my lawyer start that process today.


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## sherri1997 (Jul 9, 2013)

smallsteps said:


> Sherri-
> My stbxh never believed in counseling. He thought it was all bs. I begged him to go when we were first married and he refused. I asked him to go the night he left and he said no. Instead of working on issues he found someone else. Real mature huh?
> 
> My point is you'll never convince him that it is the right thing for the kids. People like our stbxh' s see it as a weakness.
> ...


SS -- My stbxh would always go to counseling with me but as soon as he was told something that he didn't want to hear, then he would start bad mouthing the counselor. We have been to counseling before b/c of his mother and b/c of prev problems but you are right -- their personality won't allow them to feel any blame and it will always be someone else's fault.


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## sherri1997 (Jul 9, 2013)

Pluto2 said:


> Sherri,
> Go read smallsteps first posts about her X, and then re-read her latest advice to you. That is the perfect example of how time and strength can change you entire outlook on the world, and more importantly your outlook on him. He is not being honorable to you or the kids, you are. Do you really want a partner who behaves that way? Of course not.
> _He is lower than scum to me now and doesn't even deserve my time, my anger, my sadness or my tears. He deserves nothing and I hope that he can get his life together for the sake of my kids b/c I will never allow him back into my life now that I see him for the a$$ that he is.
> _
> Those are your words. You can do this.


You are right. SS has come a very long way and I am so happy to have this board b/c it shows progress. I can even see some progress in my posts when I re-read them.

And you are right, he is not being honorable to his kids or to me. I no longer matter, in his eyes, but he should be more respectful to his children. He doesn't want them in counseling b/c then they might understand him for who he is.


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## sherri1997 (Jul 9, 2013)

smallsteps said:


> They don't really find their inner nice guy, they just hide the bad side. Eventually it eats away at them because let's face it, a leopard doesn't change his spots.
> 
> My cousin who is a therapist told me something early on. I remember saying to her that it wasn't fair that he became Mr nice guy with ow. She said:
> 
> ...


I have to learn how to shut him down. I am a lot better than I was at first but not there yet. I keep saying everyday that I will not contact him and most days I do really good. It starts when he starts talking about the kids but you are right, I need to shut him down. I guess i feel like if i do this, then he won't care and think that he got away with what he has done but in the end, that shouldn't matter to me, should it?


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## sherri1997 (Jul 9, 2013)

KNIFE IN THE HEART said:


> Sheri, why respond to his first comment? You are not going to change his mind. Responding to him is feeding his ego. Just stick to the facts e.g."I would like to send the kids to counselling. If you do not give permission it will have to go through the lawyers". Then just leave it at that. Having theses arguments with him is not helpful for you. If you really need to respond then write out your response then tear it up. Stop adding fuel to the fire.
> 
> For this weekend, if you really feel the need to text, why not just post here? That way you are getting your feelings out but you are not starting anything with him. And we totally understand your need to do this and will be cheering you along!


You know what -- you are right. I didn't have to draw out that response. My thinking with it was that any lawyer or judge that will look at it, will see that I am trying to get our kids into counseling but in all reality, what you said was all that was needed.

And I will be posting here a lot this weekend b/c the knowledge that he is already laying in her bed is killing me right now. But I am also thinking that he used to always stink so now she has to smell that. He smokes, not sure if she does, but I think that she does but he still stinks b/c of that too. He always had bad body odor -- not something that was caused by not showering but he just always smelt like BO ... so now she has to deal with that. But he taste in men has never been that high from what I have always been told about her so I guess that won't matter to her.


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## sherri1997 (Jul 9, 2013)

angelpixie said:


> I would second everything that's been said here. It is reaaalllly hard to know that the man who should be giving you his attention is giving it to someone else. That's one reason why you're hurting. I think most, if not all of us, have been there.
> 
> Something that will help a LOT is a cold dose of reality. You might, deep down, miss what hoped you would get with him. But now you know you wouldn't. He hasn't been like that. He's been mean, nasty, cruel, and an utter a$$hole to you and your kids. Contacting him would only bring more of the same. Don't bring even more pain on yourself.
> 
> It's not fair that he's found his 'nice guy' and is using it on a skank. But trash attracts trash. You are most definitely NOT trash, Sherri. Keep reminding yourself that you deserve so much better. HUGS!!


I know -- that is what kills me. He is so mean to me now and takes everything that i say the wrong way or turns it around on me. But yet, with her, I know this nice guy he is playing b/c he always used it on me too. He is showering her with gifts, praise and love. It kills me to know that.

But you are right, I am not trash and never will be. In time, I hope that he sees and understands that.


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## sherri1997 (Jul 9, 2013)

I think I got everyone. I want to say thank-you again from my core for the responses that you guys have posted here. I read others posts and want to respond but I just have no words for anyone right now b/c I am still in the middle of all mine. I can't wait to reach a point where I can look back and give advise on what others are facing b/c I have made it to the other side. It is such an inspiration.

I go see my lawyer today at 1pm and I will post everything when I get back. I doubt that he knows that I am posting here but I want to be careful in case he does.

I did find out yesterday that he lies yet again about the time that he has to go into work and has been using childcare on my dollar when he is supposed to be keeping my youngest until right before he goes to work. He told me yesterday that he had to be at work at 2pm and dropped my child off at 1230pm but he actually didn't have to be at work until 4pm. I will have to go over this with my lawyer as well b/c his work will lie for him but I have a friend in his work, that he doesnt know about and they looked at the schedule for me yesterday and told me the times that he has to be into work and he is straight out lying to me about it!

I also have a counseling session today. I am back to going once a week to see if that can bring me back around again.

I dont' know how I am feeling this morning. I am about to get my kids up and ready for school and then come back home to get ready for my lawyer appt. Then to my counseling session and then back to pick my kids up. I have to work for 3 short hours tonight and that will be the hard part of today but I will come back here during that time and just type away if I get upset and I know I will.

But I am going to try and make today a positive day. I am the only one that can do that and I can't let him control that. He knows that I know where he is this weekend and he knows that it is killing me but at least I know that I won't reach out to him this weekend b/c I know that she will get a kick out of it too so I won't do that.

Thanks again everyone and I will be back on here a lot today but your words and advice mean the world to me.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

That's is great that you have an ally at his work who will give you the schedule information. What a jerk to let you pay for the childcare he's using. Cares so much about the kids, eh? Then he drops the youngest off earlier than he needs to. issed:

Good luck at the lawyer. I always liked those days when the counseling session and the lawyer appointment were on the same day. 

Remember: He is playing nice. You really are nice.


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## sherri1997 (Jul 9, 2013)

angelpixie said:


> That's is great that you have an ally at his work who will give you the schedule information. What a jerk to let you pay for the childcare he's using. Cares so much about the kids, eh? Then he drops the youngest off earlier than he needs to. isses:
> 
> Good luck at the lawyer. I always liked those days when the counseling session and the lawyer appointment were on the same day.
> 
> Remember: He is playing nice. You really are nice.


Thanks so much and yes, he is trying to play nice but my lawyer sees right through it in the emails from him to me and vise versa. This is not going to be pretty at all and I don't know if I am prepared to handle what is going to happen from here. BUt I have a really good lawyer and I have paid good money that I hope to get back from him so we will see what happens. I worry about getting full custody but I just have to trust God and He will do what is right for my kids.


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## sherri1997 (Jul 9, 2013)

Why is it that there are particular times that are so hard. Late at night, through the night and in the morning are the hardest times for me? Last night, I got through work without breaking down over knowing that they are together. But through the night and this morning, I haven't been doing so good. I have a day filled with things to do with the kids but I am just not doing good this morning.

I have tried to keep busy by making dinner already and getting stuff done around the house, but I amjust walking around in a daze. This is stupid b/c I don't want him and I don't care if he is with her but if that is the case, then why am I left to feel this way? 

Is it b/c I don't want him happy b/c of everything that has happen? Is it b/c I am not happy and really want him back? My counselor says it is b/c I have had years of him telling me that it is his way or the highway and I formed myself into being what he wants. In the back of my head, somewhere that makes sense. But -- I go through the day thinking about if i would have done things different, would we be here now? If I wouldn't have set the boundries that I set, would we be here? If I wouldn't have pushed him so hard, would we be here. The what ifs drive me crazy but I know that if I wouldn't have done all these things, then I still wouldn't be happy b/c I could never trust him again.

He has just been so good at making me feel like this is my fault, while telling me that he knows what he did wrong but he also knows what he did to try and make it right?? WHen will I ever get pass blaming myself b/c I know this isn't all my fault?

And I am scared of the next steps ... I am not strong enough to go through litigation and having him and his family lie about my character. I know I am not the person that they tell people that I am but they are master manipulators and I am scared of that. I know several people will testify on my behalf for the kind of mother that I am but will it work against whatever his family will do to me?


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## littlejaz (Oct 17, 2013)

You are strong enough to get through anything you have to for your children.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

It's not your fault but after years of always being blamed for everything by them it takes a while to really start to believe it. 

The truth is its not your fault. They are master blame shifters and know exactly what to say to make us feel guilty.

You are strong enough to do this Sherri. You can beat him at his game and think about how good it's going to feel once you do it.


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## sherri1997 (Jul 9, 2013)

THanks guys. Yesterday was okay. Kept busy and just tried not to think about it. No contact has been made except to tell him what my lawyer told me to tell him, which was that he can have the kids for THanksgiving and he hasn't responded back to that at all. I used everything she told me to say and asked nicely to please keep the kids uninvolved with the OW while there with his parents. She told me that when the kids come back and tell me that the OW was there b/c my daughter will, that she will nail him in court. I am telling you my lawyer is a very scary woman.

So, this morning is hard but all mornings are so I am just going to get us ready for church and then they go their dads. I wish there was a way for me to not have to see him or even look at him but I can't avoid that today and I hate that. I do so much better with no contact at all.


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## sherri1997 (Jul 9, 2013)

My goodness ... CHurch was exactly what I needed today. The service was about always being thirsty for something more and never being satisfied with what you have in your Faith. EX doesn't believe in God or have any sort of Faith so this message really hit home b/c there is nothing that I could have done to keep him in this family. Nothing will ever be good enough for him.

He called me this morning and asked how the kdis were this weekend and I said we had a good weekend. He said he got my message about THanksgiving and that even if the OW was around our kids that weekend, that they wouldn't show any sort of affection in front of the kids. I told him that I explained my reasons for not wanting them around but he can do what he thinks is in the best interest of the kids. And told him to have a good day and hung up. He sounded all sad but I am not falling for anything anymore.


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## sherri1997 (Jul 9, 2013)

When does this ache in yourself stop? I am so tired of hurting.

Yesterday was a success in dropping the kids off and they went up the stairs so that I didn't have to see him b/c I am so angry that I can't see him ... it will piss me off too much and when I am angry, it isn't good. So, I am about 5 minutes away and the phone that I use for the kids to call me rang and I thought it might be my daughter so I answered and it was him. He started telling me that we needed to talk about my daughter b/c I am messing with her head and blah, blah, blah. I told him that I do not talk bad about him and repeated everything that I always do to let him know that I don't talk bad. Told him the situation and conversation that I had with our daughter and he told me that I need to get past my anger and completely ignored what I had just said.

And I know what I should have done. I should have hung up the phone right then and there but I didn't. I went off. I told him that he disgusted me in using our kids to try and piss me off, that his relationship with his new who*re shouldn't take priority over his kids and that he can't even call them when he is with her. Told him he is a failure and every other negative thing I could think of. I was shaking so bad b/c I was angry at him for telling me to get over my anger ... which proved to him I was not over my anger and made me look stupid. I fall for it everytime. I finally calmed down and told him to please stop contacting me b/c I have no respect for him and have no reason to talk to him anymore and hung up.

He sent me a text after that, that said something about "wanting me to find happiness and he knew I would never have been able to find it with him. move on and be civil for the sake of the kids" I didn't respond.

Got up this afternoon after working yesterday and just cried and got on my knees and prayed. I am tired of this hold he has on me and ready to let go but he drags me back everytime and I am over it. I talked to the kids tonight and my daughter was crying b/c she had just got into trouble and I had to support the reason she got into trouble. Then I had to text him to let him know when I would be dropping off our youngest to him on Wed so that I wouldn't have to worry about doing that tomorrow. He sent me a text back saying "we don't have to avoid each other face to face. It doesn't have to be like this" and I didn't respond.

I have to avoid face to face right now b/c just looking at him makes me angry. I know it is easy for him b/c he has this new girlfriend but for me, it is torture to see him and not be able to scream and yell so I haven't seen him in almost 3 weeks and it has been great. 

I am emotionally exhausted from trying to act like none of this bothers me when it does. I want to let go so bad but I just don't know how and nothing I do seems to work?


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## sherri1997 (Jul 9, 2013)

2galsmom said:


> The ache gets less painful. It does with time. My entire life was destroyed - sans my beautiful children. My social circle, my friends, the place I volunteered, my hope, my home, my belongings (long story) my dreams and I had pain in my gut like I was being knifed, it was all emotional pain. But by focusing on myself and what I needed to do to rebuild things slowly got better and when you get out of the fog, you will get better.
> 
> Do NOT worry about his texts, he wants it all doesn't he? His new gal, you buddy buddy and friendly so he doesn't feel bad about himself. Plus I need to point out he is implying you are doing something wrong. You are NOT.
> 
> ...


Thank-you so much, that made me feel better. I know they are statistically doomed but I hear of so many successful rebounds and it makes me sick to my stomach. I am doing the right thing by staying away and out of a relationship and it has been very hard b/c I want that achy feeling to go away but I stay away b/c of my morals (b/c I am still married) and b/c of my kids. I also know that I would never really heal from this and it would be wrong to put another man through that. But when I hear about the success stories of it, it makes it really hard.

I saw on his bank account (and remember I can't control this when I check my bank acct b/c I am still on his account and he won't get a new account. that is being addressed by my lawyer so I don't see it anymore) and he ordered more bath and body works stuff and I can only think it is for her b/c his mom and sister wouldn't use that kind of stuff. He just keeps buying things for her and it makes me hurt all over.

That is a great rule with the kids and I wonder if it would be okay with my kids at their age? Would they understand it? I think that my 5 years old would but I am not sure. I don't want her to hate her father or think that he is bad and that's why we can't talk about him? What do you think?

It is so hard b/c most of my friends think I should be over thisi already. It has been almost a year since he moved out. But what people dont' realize is that yes, he moved out a year ago but we tried to repair things until May when he "gave up" on me and then I just found out about her and their relationship that has been going on even while we were trying to repair our marriage. So, to me, these fresh triggers set me back and it is hard to explain that to people so I just stay quiet now and that is very hard for me to do.


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## littlejaz (Oct 17, 2013)

I am with you on the friends think you should be over it by now. They just don't understand that it is hard to get over something that is not really over yet. But a little tough love here, you have got to get a handle on your anger. Have you tried a punching bag? Put his picture on it and punch away. If you really want to get him, you need to show him that you are over him. Fake it til you make it. Whenever he calls, you need to tell yourself that you are on speaker and your kids can hear you, maybe that will help with the outbursts. If not then you must hang up when you hear his voice. Tell him you have another call and will have to call him back, then send him a text, after you have yelled and screamed to yourself. There is no need to talk to him, he can text you and you don't have to respond. Just pretend he is a telemarketer trying to sell you a load of crap and hang up. I know it is easier said than done, but you have to find the trick that works for you.

You say you have the will power not to speak bad of him in front of your kids, so that proves that you have the strength to control your anger. You just have to find ways to vent that anger. Believe me you will mess far more with his head if he thinks you are over it, then you ever will getting angry with him.

I know you have probably heard all this before but I think it bears repeating if you are still having trouble keeping it together. Hang in there.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Sherri don't let anyone put a timetable on when you "should be over this". It will happen in its own time. It is just very recently that things don't bother me and truth is once in a blue moon, for very brief moments it still does. I've learned to stop the momentum instead of letting it take control.

Don't even think of getting into another relationship right now. I know that's the first reaction, that a new man will replace him and help you move on but it doesn't. It will only add to all the confusion and emotions that you are having right now. When the time is right, it will happen again for you. You need to visualize a happy you in a great relationship in the future to carry you through for now.

I know most people advise against it but maybe it's time for you to write or type out a well thought out e mail. Don't send it right away. Sit on it, 're read it, add or take away from it. Show no emotion in it, just very matter of fact of your thoughts and feelings on it. Then end it that it's the last you want to speak of it with him. Then send it.

I did that. I know people tell you not to but I did it before I found this place. It felt like a release. I got everything off my chest I needed to and I did it without losing control or saying something I shouldn't. I controlled the situation. 

I really can't take when you say he tells you that you need to move past this and be happy. Next time he pulls that line tell him your happiness is none of his business. That you are perfectly fine. 

He's a delusional idiot who is living in a fog. Reality will set in and then you can sit back and enjoy the show. Trust me if someone had told me in January what I'm telling you now I would never believe them. I wasn't ready to hear it but it is the truth and it does happen.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

I agree with both the journal idea and the letter-writing idea. I did them both. I was never a journal writer, but when I moved out on my own, boy, did I go through them, lol! I wrote all the time. I would suggest that you not just write out your feelings, but also write out your 'story' with your STBXH -- and don't sugarcoat it. Write things out over and over. It really helped me to see things more clearly when I did it, and that helped me to detach. 

I also second the letter-writing idea. When you are trying to decide whether or not to send it, consider these questions: Why do I want to send this? What do I hope it will accomplish? Are there possible ramifications? If so, am I worried about them? (These are things my IC told me to think about when I was doing this many moons ago)

Things will change, Sherri. Just as you are glad you don't have to see him, you might find that you enjoy not speaking to him either -- even when you have things you'd like him to hear. It may just not be worth the drama or the abuse he'll dish in return. You really will feel like you're just 'over it' and want to move on and deal with him as little as possible. Hang in there. You're not taking too long.


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## sherri1997 (Jul 9, 2013)

littlejaz said:


> I am with you on the friends think you should be over it by now. They just don't understand that it is hard to get over something that is not really over yet. But a little tough love here, you have got to get a handle on your anger. Have you tried a punching bag? Put his picture on it and punch away. If you really want to get him, you need to show him that you are over him. Fake it til you make it. Whenever he calls, you need to tell yourself that you are on speaker and your kids can hear you, maybe that will help with the outbursts. If not then you must hang up when you hear his voice. Tell him you have another call and will have to call him back, then send him a text, after you have yelled and screamed to yourself. There is no need to talk to him, he can text you and you don't have to respond. Just pretend he is a telemarketer trying to sell you a load of crap and hang up. I know it is easier said than done, but you have to find the trick that works for you.
> 
> You say you have the will power not to speak bad of him in front of your kids, so that proves that you have the strength to control your anger. You just have to find ways to vent that anger. Believe me you will mess far more with his head if he thinks you are over it, then you ever will getting angry with him.
> 
> I know you have probably heard all this before but I think it bears repeating if you are still having trouble keeping it together. Hang in there.


Hello LittleJazz,

I totally, totally agree with you on the anger part. I HAVE TO STOP letting him know how angry I really am. In order to do that, I will do exactly what you suggested and if he calls then I won't answer or if I do answer, I will tell him I have another call and hang up. If I don't talk to him, then I don't have to worry about my anger. I can express it in writing and release it there. There is no point EVER in trying to tell him why I am angry b/c he doesn't get it ... he only sees that I am angry and that I am not moving on and this does me no good. As soon as i hung up the phone the other night, I was shaking so bad and knew that I had just messed up big time by saying the things that I needed to say to him. I appreciate your advice and I will try that next time he calls. Thank-you.


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## sherri1997 (Jul 9, 2013)

smallsteps said:


> Sherri don't let anyone put a timetable on when you "should be over this". It will happen in its own time. It is just very recently that things don't bother me and truth is once in a blue moon, for very brief moments it still does. I've learned to stop the momentum instead of letting it take control.
> 
> Don't even think of getting into another relationship right now. I know that's the first reaction, that a new man will replace him and help you move on but it doesn't. It will only add to all the confusion and emotions that you are having right now. When the time is right, it will happen again for you. You need to visualize a happy you in a great relationship in the future to carry you through for now.
> 
> ...


Hello SS,

I am not thinking about getting into another relationship and I won't ..I can promise that. I don't even put myself in a position anymore to get into a relationship. I am just not ready.

I am not sure if I am ready to sit down and write a letter to him and I am for sure not ready to send it to him. THere is a couple of reasons for that. One, I am still very angry and I can't keep emotions out of it. Two, he will read it to his family and probably the OW and it will show that I am not over him. I write in my journal on most days and those journal entries are to him directly so that is my way of talking to him without talking to him. I can't say it really helps but I think at some point it will.

I really hope that you are right and I will be able to sit back and enjoy the show one day. I just feel like he is going to stay happy now with her and I am just a memory and a bad memory at that. I hate when he tells me he just wants me to be happy!


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

He knows why you're angry and doesn't want to face it, which is why he plays games with you. I'm in the camp of stop paying attention and remember that the ow got a piece of crap that you're now rid of. You might give some thought to how you will deal with it when his thing with his wh0re crashes and burns and he decides he made a mistake and wants to come back, because there's a decent chance that will happen. Think long and hard about whether you want him back now that you know what kind of loyalty he has.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sherri1997 (Jul 9, 2013)

angelpixie said:


> I agree with both the journal idea and the letter-writing idea. I did them both. I was never a journal writer, but when I moved out on my own, boy, did I go through them, lol! I wrote all the time. I would suggest that you not just write out your feelings, but also write out your 'story' with your STBXH -- and don't sugarcoat it. Write things out over and over. It really helped me to see things more clearly when I did it, and that helped me to detach.
> 
> I also second the letter-writing idea. When you are trying to decide whether or not to send it, consider these questions: Why do I want to send this? What do I hope it will accomplish? Are there possible ramifications? If so, am I worried about them? (These are things my IC told me to think about when I was doing this many moons ago)
> 
> Things will change, Sherri. Just as you are glad you don't have to see him, you might find that you enjoy not speaking to him either -- even when you have things you'd like him to hear. It may just not be worth the drama or the abuse he'll dish in return. You really will feel like you're just 'over it' and want to move on and deal with him as little as possible. Hang in there. You're not taking too long.


Hello AP,

I do enjoy the times that I don't speak to him. IT helps me get past my anger and forgive him. I pray for him every night and I pray for forgiveness and the ability to let him go. He is part of my past and it is time for me to focus on my future but i keep letting these setbacks control me and I shouldn't do that.

He texted me this morning about child support, a loan that i took over in my name, his title for his truck and how the kids were. I haven't responded and I won't. I will put the info he requested in a folder and send it with my kids to him tomorrow and that is that. I don't want to hear from him or talk to him anymore, I really don't. I want this all to stop. It is going to get bad enough with us going to court and I have to sit through the custody case.... that means that his family can take the stand and bash me .... I have to prepare myself for that and how to handle that, so I need to focus on me right now and my kids.

THank-you for your words and your advise to all of you. I don't know what i would do without this place because in my darkest moments, I know I can come here and I will be lifted up enough to move forward one more day so thanks!


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## sherri1997 (Jul 9, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> He knows why you're angry and doesn't want to face it, which is why he plays games with you. I'm in the camp of stop paying attention and remember that the ow got a piece of crap that you're now rid of. You might give some thought to how you will deal with it when his thing with his wh0re crashes and burns and he decides he made a mistake and wants to come back, because there's a decent chance that will happen. Think long and hard about whether you want him back now that you know what kind of loyalty he has.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Hello life is too short,

Thank-you. I don't want him back ... I know this 100% and have no doubts in that. When I think that, I think, then why is this bothering you so much and I don't have that answer?? 

I know he doesn't want to face himself. Just this past week, he told everyone he went out of town with some guy friends b/c he won't admit to anyone that he is already in love with someone else b/c he knows how people will view him. He hates when other people think negative about him ... it bothers him to no end. In the back of my mind, I know he feeds off my anger and tries to make things my fault b/c he can't face what he has done. And I honestly think there is a part of him that is doing the 180 on me not for himself but to make me feel worse. And when I pull away like I was doing for the past 3 weeks or so and not really engaging with him, he pulls something like he did on Sunday night just to make sure that I am still angry and hurting. And the sad part is, I know this and I let him do it.

I don't know what he will do if him and the new OW crash and burn? I am thinking that he will either face his pain or find someone new. I don't think that he is happy with her. She is everything that he wouldn't want in a relationship but she helps fill that void and eases the pain. I know he is miserable from what others tell me but I don't see it and he doesn't show it to me.

I just wish I could get to the point where my anger makes me turn cold. And that coldness will appear as being indifferent to everyone else and especially to him. If I stop all of this and stop letting him know that he is getting to me, then I know his reaction and he will do everything he can until he can break me down again. But I can ignore him and I am getting better with it everyday. Every setback, makes it clearer to me that I need to stop engaging with him.


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## sherri1997 (Jul 9, 2013)

2galsmom said:


> Hello Sherri.
> 
> Friends don't get it. I am now in limbo now because I have to find new friends! Don't get me wrong, some of my friends are great but they are the healthy ones still busy with their husbands and families. The other "friends" I now realize were as dysfunctional for me as my husband was. But this thread is not about me, I just want to say I get it. And because they don't they can hush about their guidelines.
> 
> ...


Good morning -- Thank-you for replying again. I think I will try that with my kids and see what happens -- this way nothing bad is said and we can move on. The kids are still close with their dad, during the times that they are with him and I know he is a better dad now b/c of them. I actually had to ask him to watch the kids this Sat morning for me b/c I have some things I need to do and he said "i Suppose, I don't have anything planned" Whatever -- but he told me to ask him before I asked a sitter, so I did and this is also something his lawyer requested - I guess to make him look or feel better.

I am trying not to think about him and the OW. I know he told people at his work that he went to the town that she lives in (where his parents live) and hung out with a guy friend. He won't even admit to other people that he is seeing someone else b/c he is still married. What does he think is going to happen -- Boom, at the end of Nov he is divorced and then Boom the woman that has been coming in for awhile now is suddenly your NEW girlfriend. Does he think people are that stupid? He is just so savy with his words and mind games that they just might think that.

With the check card transactions, yes, he knows I can see them. A month ago, I would have screen shot the charge and texted him with some smarta$$ comment but I won't do that now. I can't -- my pride is too hurt.

I have to drop my youngest off to him today and my plans are the same as always ... to not let him know we are there until my son is walking up the steps so I don't have to deal with him. I know this man and his true self -- it won't take long for him to get pissed that I am not still crying over him. This is what, I hope, will keep me going until I can do this 180 for myself.

I just feel so heavy. I want this weight lifted off of me and to move on -- without another guy in the picture. I notice in a lot of situations, the guy moves on quicker than the woman and I don't get that. I am not saying anything bad about men because there are some men that do not do that, but in situations that I have seen, this is the case. I always thought that would be a deal breaker for me and it would make it easier to move on, but it sure hasn't.

I am going to go get my kids up and ready for school and then go do a kickboxing class and mow the yard one last time for the season -- I hope this helps today! I have to be strong and go day 3 without any emotional contact wiht him! Wish me luck and thanks again for posting!


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

I was thinking that yesterday Sherri. My stbxh is all settled in with the ow while I'm here trying to figure things out.

Sunday was my son's birthday and I just had this feeling creep in that I wish I had someone here to hang out with. It really hit while I was cleaning up from dinner, how nice it would be to have someone to help clean up after dinner, to have someone to banter with while I was cleaning and then to sit on the couch with and watch tv. Then I thought about the fact that it's exactly what he has. He and the ow set up house right away. Where is that fair? It's bs.

I have to continue to believe I'll be the one who is better off in the end. You will be too Sherri. We will improve and become better people and will meet guys who won't treat us the way they treated us. It's a process, it won't happen overnight but we'll get there. 

Good luck with no contact, you can do this. The less contact you have the better off you'll be.


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## littlejaz (Oct 17, 2013)

Can you not take your name off of the joint bank account yourself? I know my bank told me that I could not take STBXH's name off of my account without his signature, so that told me that if he agreed then it could be removed, so if you haven't, you might ask the bank. No need to torture yourself. 

Sounds like you are getting stronger every day. Keep it up. As for men moving on faster, and I think it is the WS's that move on faster not just men. But I think it is so they don't have to face their feelings, so they don't have to own up to how they have betrayed or hurt their spouses and/or children. He may say he is in love with OW but he is not, he is infatuated. She is merely a distraction to keep his mind off what kind of person he really is. It is basically the same thing with keeping you angry. What your anger does for him is justify his actions in breaking up your family. Every time he sees you mad, he tells himself see that is why I had to leave her - she is just terrible. Once you are able to stop letting him see that anger, he will have less to distract him from accepting what he has done.

My situation is a little different as I am the one who wanted the divorce. I had had all I could take and by the time we split up, I was past the crying and lamenting over what I had lost (my partner). I had gotten past a lot of the suffering before we even split up, but even so, there is no way I would let him see that I was upset or angry because it would just fuel his justification for treating me the way he did. Shortly after we split he started dating a past girlfriend, the one who he told me was crazy, but it only lasted a few months before she dumped him in an email. Then a mutual friend told me that she just couldn't put up with his sh**. Boy did that feel good.

Don't let yourself believe that he is happy with the OW. It is just a front to justify what he has done. He is trying to convince himself as much as anyone else that he did the right thing because see how happy I am now. Don't fall for it. 

And if by some miracle they do last, just think 2 pieces of crap make a pile of sh**.


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## sherri1997 (Jul 9, 2013)

littlejaz said:


> Can you not take your name off of the joint bank account yourself? I know my bank told me that I could not take STBXH's name off of my account without his signature, so that told me that if he agreed then it could be removed, so if you haven't, you might ask the bank. No need to torture yourself.
> 
> Sounds like you are getting stronger every day. Keep it up. As for men moving on faster, and I think it is the WS's that move on faster not just men. But I think it is so they don't have to face their feelings, so they don't have to own up to how they have betrayed or hurt their spouses and/or children. He may say he is in love with OW but he is not, he is infatuated. She is merely a distraction to keep his mind off what kind of person he really is. It is basically the same thing with keeping you angry. What your anger does for him is justify his actions in breaking up your family. Every time he sees you mad, he tells himself see that is why I had to leave her - she is just terrible. Once you are able to stop letting him see that anger, he will have less to distract him from accepting what he has done.
> 
> ...


Oh my Gosh, I needed that LOL moment. My dog is looking at me like I am crazy! I did really good today. I had to talk to the jerk about Christmas b/c my sister is wanting to get the tickets tonight and I can't let her do that until I have in writing that he is okay with me taking the kids out of state. So, he calls me and I tell him this. Then he asks if it is okay for him to take kids for Thanksgiving and I said yes. Then he asked what is going on with the lawyers and I told him I didn't know. And he said "come on, I want this over with. I want this divorce to be final" I said " Why, so .... actually, please just send that written confirmation about Christmas and you have a great day with the kids. Good Bye" and I hung up. I actually did it for once. I caught myself in the middle of about to turn b!tch mode and I stopped and didn't go there at all. This was after I was in Walmart finishing up the final gifts for Christmas and was almost in tears b/c I realized that i had to buy a hand mixer b/c he took ours and it was some sort of trigger that made me sad so I had to face talking to him after that. He has tried to call back a couple of times and I just shut the phone offf that he uses to call me on or the kids call me on and I am about to go back to bed b/c I worked last night and only got 2 hours of sleep before getting up with the kids.

So, that is my first time not letting the anger get the best of me and shutting it off. And now he can worry about the lawyer stuff b/c he has no idea what is coming, no idea at all.

I totally agree with you about the putting on a front that he is happy to avoid what he has done. It will eat him alive at some point, I can only pray that I am strong enough at the point where it does hit him. But it won't ever hit him if I keep giving him reasons to justify his actions. Thanks for the words LittleJaz and the laugh ... that was much needed and I totally agree!


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## littlejaz (Oct 17, 2013)

I am so proud of you. You did it. Now it will be easier every time. You just stay strong and you will get there. You are welcome for the laugh, I had one too as I wrote it, but it is true. Sleep well.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Wow, Sherri, that is wonderful. So proud of you for reeling the anger in. I know how hard it is and I knew you could get there. You will have other triggers. For me it was buying new beach towels for the kids because the ex took every single one. Go figure. I hope you get some rest, you have earned it!


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## sherri1997 (Jul 9, 2013)

smallsteps said:


> I was thinking that yesterday Sherri. My stbxh is all settled in with the ow while I'm here trying to figure things out.
> 
> Sunday was my son's birthday and I just had this feeling creep in that I wish I had someone here to hang out with. It really hit while I was cleaning up from dinner, how nice it would be to have someone to help clean up after dinner, to have someone to banter with while I was cleaning and then to sit on the couch with and watch tv. Then I thought about the fact that it's exactly what he has. He and the ow set up house right away. Where is that fair? It's bs.
> 
> ...


I totally missed your post this morning! I can understand that trigger of cleaning up and having someone with you. Those triggers are hard to get through. I had one last night where i just missed holding him before we went to sleep. I took that for granted but then again, there were a lot of negatives that came with that too.

I will continue to try and believe that we will be better off too b/c right now I don't feel it. I feel it when I read others stories and see what they are going through and I think "wow, their stbxh/w is a total jerk and they will be so much better off without them, but I can't think that in my own situation. Why is that? I think it is bc of the years of brainwashing that I can't ever do better than him. The thought of being with someone else in any sort of way makes me sick to my stomach -- even dating makes me sick as I have never done that before! I am getting ahead of myself here but I understand SS about it not seeming fair that they are already setting up house and we are left to pick up the pieces.

My favorite song right now is "you Outta Know" and boy I crank that up and sing way out of tune everytime my kids get out the car. My favorite part is "are you thinking of me when you f**k her" ... I get a little giggle everytime!


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

sherri1997 said:


> I totally missed your post this morning! I can understand that trigger of cleaning up and having someone with you. Those triggers are hard to get through. I had one last night where i just missed holding him before we went to sleep. I took that for granted but then again, there were a lot of negatives that came with that too.
> 
> I will continue to try and believe that we will be better off too b/c right now I don't feel it. I feel it when I read others stories and see what they are going through and I think "wow, their stbxh/w is a total jerk and they will be so much better off without them, but I can't think that in my own situation. Why is that? I think it is bc of the years of brainwashing that I can't ever do better than him. The thought of being with someone else in any sort of way makes me sick to my stomach -- even dating makes me sick as I have never done that before! I am getting ahead of myself here but I understand SS about it not seeming fair that they are already setting up house and we are left to pick up the pieces.
> 
> My favorite song right now is "you Outta Know" and boy I crank that up and sing way out of tune everytime my kids get out the car. My favorite part is "are you thinking of me when you f**k her" ... I get a little giggle everytime!


That's a good one, I enjoy Done by The Band Perry. It sums it up perfectly.

I don't miss him at all but I miss having someone. I guess that's progress. I'm open to the idea of someone other than him, I just can't see dating anyone right now. I still have work to do on me. I'm at a really confusing spot in my life.

Well he dropped a beauty on me today. He's leaving on a week long cruise next week. He actually asked to borrow luggage last week but wouldn't say why. I thought it was for business but when I asked he didn't answer. Now it all makes sense. Oh and I didn't give him the luggage.

It's been a bad day. 

I have to believe we'll both get through this Sherri, someday we'll end up on top!!


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## sherri1997 (Jul 9, 2013)

smallsteps said:


> That's a good one, I enjoy Done by The Band Perry. It sums it up perfectly.
> 
> I don't miss him at all but I miss having someone. I guess that's progress. I'm open to the idea of someone other than him, I just can't see dating anyone right now. I still have work to do on me. I'm at a really confusing spot in my life.
> 
> ...


Oh Gosh SS -- I am so sorry. I know that had to be a hit and a really bad one at that. My heart broke for you when I read it. HOw can they be these people now? I just don't understand it at all. I really hope that you are right when you say that we will come out on top b/c it doesn't feel like it most days.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

sherri1997 said:


> Oh Gosh SS -- I am so sorry. I know that had to be a hit and a really bad one at that. My heart broke for you when I read it. HOw can they be these people now? I just don't understand it at all. I really hope that you are right when you say that we will come out on top b/c it doesn't feel like it most days.


It's not feeling like that to me today either but I have to believe it.


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## sherri1997 (Jul 9, 2013)

My day got interesting seeing as my ex-boyfriend of 5 years (this was right before i met my husband now) contacted me today and told me how good I looked and wants me to call him. Sounds great but that is a big fat NO b/c he cheated on me as well and I don't really have anything to say to him.

The drama with the stbxh started again today and I totally handled it well. I first got the draft that will be served to him by Friday and he is not going to be a happy camper. In fact, he is going to be pissed b/c it lays the truth out there and he can't hide and run from all that he has done and he will now have to face this all in court. We will see if he was bluffing and will finally just settle this out of court b/c I am not scared to go to court anymore.

He WILL NOT give me an answer about Christmas. My sister is in the Navy and has been away during the past 3 X-mas. So, she wants to buy us tickets to see her in Washington State. I had to send the jerk, in writing that I am okay with him taking the kids to his parents as long as the cease and desist order is followed about no drinking (which will be a huge problem for his dad) and no girlfriend. I did this last week. My lawyer advised me exactly what to write b/c if it ignores it, then she can get him on that. He got angry today b/c I had to ask him again about Christmas and he thinks that I am trying to get one under him by asking him to put it in writing and will not confirm it by email. 

Here is how the texts went:

From me:
_
*"Can you please respond to my email about taking the kids for Christmas. Thank-you"*_

From HIm:

*"I will get back to you shortly about that"*

From me:

_*"thank-you. I just need in it email form please so that my sister can book the tickets"*_

From him:

*"The kids can spend Christmas with you. I don't know what your angle is here. Just stop with this silliness ... I am not using our children as pawns, just stop this."*

From me:

*"Can you please email that to me"*

From him:

*"I told you ... you be cool with the kids seeing my parents during Thanksgiving and you can go see your sister"*

From me:

*"Again ___ I need this in writing please because I have sent in writing to you that Thanksgiving is fine as long as you follow the cease order that was sent to your lawyer"*

From him:

*"You need professional help"*

I didn't respond to that one, although I wanted to but I get this from him again 

*" We are done for today ... when you are able to stop being childish and bitter then maybe we can move forward .. otherwise ... have a good night"*

So I let it go. I had to send him a text letting him know our youngest was to go to the sitters before he goes to work and now that I know that he actually doesn't work until around 2 hours later than what he was telling me and dropping my son off to where I was paying for the sitter for his time ... I sent him a message telling him that I would let our sitter know he wouldn't be there until later than normal and he sent this back

*"Whatever Sherri ... it is none of your business ... move on"*

I didn't respond and he sent this:

*"get a life ... and get out of mine"*

I didn't respond except to ask him to have the kids call me and he didn't until I finally sent a message before their bedtime asking him to have them call me please. They called and I talked to them and told them I loved them, ect. I talk to them every night that they are there b/c of their ages and b/c I promise them that I will.

So, I think I did good with it. I didn't get mad or angry or tell him what a crappy person he was. I still haven't got an okay to make the plane arrangements and I am not sure I can force him to let me but will talk with my lawyer when I go by there to sign everything tomorrow. My sister really wants to see the kids and I really want to see her and my brother so I hope that he agrees before he gets served the papers on Friday or I might hold off on serving him until Monday b/c I really want to get his permission to take the kids out of state. THis is such a pain in the butt and he is getting mad now b/c I am not reacting the way that he wants me to but I refuse to do it anymore!


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

You handled it really well. Don't let him engage you.

Consult your lawyer about the trip tomorrow. See if that text conversation is enough. It might be if it's printed out.

I know the ex boyfriend isn't a good situation but it should give you an ego boost to get noticed. If he noticed, so will others.


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## sherri1997 (Jul 9, 2013)

smallsteps said:


> You handled it really well. Don't let him engage you.
> 
> Consult your lawyer about the trip tomorrow. See if that text conversation is enough. It might be if it's printed out.
> 
> I know the ex boyfriend isn't a good situation but it should give you an ego boost to get noticed. If he noticed, so will others.


Thank-you SS -- The Ex thing is getting a bit annoying now. He sent me 9 IM last night in 2 hours on FB. I ignored it b/c I was making cookies and cupcakes for my daughter's Halloween party and about to take them to her school and pray no run-in with the stbxh b/c he is taking my daughter school -- I have gone almost a month without seeing the jerk. BUt the EX is talking about what he wishes we could be and what he thinks we could have been. Not happening in a million years. Even if I was in a place where I could date, I wouldn't go backwards!


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## littlejaz (Oct 17, 2013)

You go girl. I knew he would change his tune once you stopped showing him your anger. I hope it feels empowering to you to know that now he is the one losing his temper. 

And I think there is a good chance that it will affect his relationship with the OW. It is one thing for them to be laughing and yucking it up because he is getting under your skin but it is quite another for him to let you get under his skin. OW may not take too kindly to that. Of course it depends on just how morally corrupt she is, after all she is dating a married man.

Anyway your are making major strides. Keep going and stay strong.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Isn't it interesting that the stronger you become, the weaker he appears.
Very well done!


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## sherri1997 (Jul 9, 2013)

Well, the papers are signed and will be served to EX tomorrow. He is going to be very mad and I mean very mad. I will have to turn off my phone tomorrow and through the weekend. It isn't going to be pretty.

We had to talk today about this Christmas thing again and he won't send me anything saying that it is ok. He went on to try and get to me by telling me how happy he was now and this is the happiest that he has ever been. And I simply replied, you are not happy but I don't care b/c it is none of my business. He went into how he didn't understand if this OW is around on THanksgiving and my kids want to see her, why can't she come to Thanksgiving dinner with them and I told him he had an order there but he can make whatever decisions that he wants. He told me that I didn't care about my kids and I was only bitter b/c he was happy now and I was angry for that. He told me that I was the reason that our marriage failed b/c I wasn't trying to reconcile our marriage but I was dangling him on a string. I told him this was untrue and he knows that but if he wants to blame me, then that is fine but I will not take anymore abuse from him and that my kids come first and foremost and I ended the call. I didn't get angry or yell, I was calm and just said no.

So, then he texts me when we hang up and says something about finding my happiness one day, ect and I simply replied back to please leave me alone and not contact me again and to stop his lies to everyone b/c the truth will always come out and that my kids are always number 1 to me. He hasn't replied back but I have been in tears since he told me all of this.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

sherri1997 said:


> Well, the papers are signed and will be served to EX tomorrow. He is going to be very mad and I mean very mad. I will have to turn off my phone tomorrow and through the weekend. It isn't going to be pretty.
> 
> We had to talk today about this Christmas thing again and he won't send me anything saying that it is ok. He went on to try and get to me by telling me how happy he was now and this is the happiest that he has ever been. And I simply replied, you are not happy but I don't care b/c it is none of my business. He went into how he didn't understand if this OW is around on THanksgiving and my kids want to see her, why can't she come to Thanksgiving dinner with them and I told him he had an order there but he can make whatever decisions that he wants. He told me that I didn't care about my kids and I was only bitter b/c he was happy now and I was angry for that. He told me that I was the reason that our marriage failed b/c I wasn't trying to reconcile our marriage but I was dangling him on a string. I told him this was untrue and he knows that but if he wants to blame me, then that is fine but I will not take anymore abuse from him and that my kids come first and foremost and I ended the call. I didn't get angry or yell, I was calm and just said no.
> 
> So, then he texts me when we hang up and says something about finding my happiness one day, ect and I simply replied back to please leave me alone and not contact me again and to stop his lies to everyone b/c the truth will always come out and that my kids are always number 1 to me. He hasn't replied back but I have been in tears since he told me all of this.



Ignore him Sherri. It must be something in the air. Mine called this morning and started trying to tell me I don't understand how bad he has it . I posted it in my thread so I'm not going to hijack yours but my point is after all this time, after all these months he thinks I'm not seeing things the right way.

They can't stand when we don't agree with them. It will always be about them. It's their narcissistic, controlling way.

The best thing to do for you is no contact. Keep him as limited as possible. Just remember his actions are a result of him not getting his way. It has nothing to do with you.

And to he!! with these OW. I can't take men who think it's okay to introduce some bimbo into our kids lives. Ridiculous. Let them keep these others in the shadows where they belong.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

smallsteps said:


> Ignore him Sherri. It must be something in the air. Mine called this morning and started trying to tell me I don't understand how bad he has it . I posted it in my thread so I'm not going to hijack yours but my point is after all this time, after all these months he thinks I'm not seeing things the right way.
> 
> *They can't stand when we don't agree with them. It will always be about them. It's their narcissistic, controlling way.*
> 
> ...


I really think this is the key. They cannot perceive that another view of the world could possibly exist, which makes everyone else wrong.
Another poster, it might be Conrad, gave good advice when dealing with these kinds of spouses. When they go on these rants either don't reply at all (which can sometimes make things worse because they go crazy without some feedback), or say "I'm sorry you feel that way." It usually shuts them up. Don't correct their facts, because their facts are almost always a fallacy. You already know the truth.


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## sherri1997 (Jul 9, 2013)

I am having a rough time this morning. I couldn't sleep last night at all. Halloween was always the jerks favorite holiday b/c he got all into decorating and everything. I thought this year would be different b/c we would finally be able to hang out with our neighbors but being down there with everyone without him was really hard. I didn't cry or get upset, but I was close to it.

I just keep thinking of the life he is now building with the OW and I just can't let it go. I know that he isn't really happy but after he told me he was yesterday, it really upset me. Then when I picked up my daughter from school, she asked me about Thanksgiving again and if I would allow her to see the OW. I told her to talk to Daddy and she told me that the OW was beautiful and that it wasn't daddy's girlfriend and that they were just hugging in the picture she saw b/c they are friends. I was sick to my stomach. I don't want to lie to her but I can't tell her that her daddy is lying either. THe only thing I say is to talk to daddy. THen she will tell me that daddy said mommy won't let her see the OW. I ask my daughter why she wants to see the OW and she says b/c it is her friend but they have only met her once. I don't know what her daddy is saying to her but I am getting very pissed off about it. And he still won't send me anything telling me that I can take the kids to my sister's ... it is like he is trying to use that against me or to have control over me b/c he wants to play house with his OW at Thanksgiving and have a happy family gathering. I am sorry, my kids are not ready for that and I am not either. I know I can't control it eventually but my goodness, wait until we are divorced. I want to call that OW and tell her exactly what I think of the homewrecker. I know this isn't her fault and that she has only been fed lie upon lie by the mother in law and the jerk but she is still with a married man and stopped us from reconciling our marriage.

It has almost been a year since we

It has almost been a year since we separated. And it has been 5 months since he decided to "give up on our marriage" I should be handling this better now, why am I now?

He is being served papers today and I guess I can talk about it now. I am taking him to court for custody, alimony, child support, lawyer fees and equitable distribution. I was sick when I read the papers b/c it describes in detail eveyrthing that he has done and he is going to be very pissed b/c he can't ignore what is in black and white. 

He kept telling me yesterday when he was on the phone that I was delusional for thinking that our marriage ended b/c he had an EA with the first OW. That there was nothing there with them ... but yet it lasted for 8 months. Then he told me that the reason that our marriage was over wasn't b/c we were trying to reconcile but b/c I was dangling him on a string for 5 months and wasn't trying to reconcile at all. He is so full of crap. But he has a way of making me feel like he is right and turning it all around on me.

I just want this over. I want to be divorced and move on. I am so tired of this roller coaster that I am always on. When the good times are here, which isn't often, I can look ahead and things look bright but when I am down, which is often, I think I have done this and made the biggest mistake of my life.

Now that he will get these papers today, I know that he will hate me. He has told me over and over that if I fight him on custody then I will make the biggest mistake of my life. I am working on getting everything I need from everyone in case we end up in court, which with him, I know is going to happen.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Sherri,
Of course you feel unsettled and uncertain today, or all days. The reality of what you are going through is like a concrete brick that is tied around your neck. In my jurisdiction we needed to be separated for one year before we could file for D. So after a year I had the papers drawn up and filed. I knew there was no marriage left, I knew he had cheated with several woman, I knew he was turning into a horrible father for our kids, but when I saw the papers and the letter to the clerk I just became nauseous. The reality of what is taking place can feel that way.
But always remember why this is happening. It is happening because of his selfishness. Not you. He strayed from the marriage by choice, he refused help-by choice. You tried to R, but he was unwilling to live with the consequences of what he had done-by choice. 

In the words of Shaggy, one of the best posters on TAM:
good people don't cheat, not because they aren't attracted to others, good people don't cheat because the choose not to. 

You are choosing not to live in that world. His choices are selfish and hurtful and come from a place of deceit and despair. Your choices are from strength and truth and you will make it through all this a better, more centered person. 
And I'd stay away from the phone today


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## sherri1997 (Jul 9, 2013)

Thanks guys! I am feeling better after writing here and in my journal. I also have a counseling appt today so I hope that helps as well. 

I am not really scared of him in the court b/c I have nothing to hide. I hae done nothing at all wrong. Anytime a guy has tried to engage with me beyond friends, I have shut them down saying I am not dating b/c of my kids and b/c I am still married. I haven't been drinking or doing drugs like he has. I have used childcare so I can work and I have a calendar on everything that we have done together since Jan and the times that I did use childcare. I have kept record of EVERYTHING b/c I knew in my gut that he would pull this crap.


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## sherri1997 (Jul 9, 2013)

I don't think that he was serveed the papers today b/c I had to talk to him about something with the kids and he was actually nice and no fights so I guess he will get it Monday.

But right now I am not doing good. I don't know why but I can't stop crying. I honestly just want to crawl in a hole and never come out .... I am tired of this pain.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

sherri1997 said:


> I don't think that he was serveed the papers today b/c I had to talk to him about something with the kids and he was actually nice and no fights so I guess he will get it Monday.
> 
> But right now I am not doing good. I don't know why but I can't stop crying. I honestly just want to crawl in a hole and never come out .... I am tired of this pain.


Sherri we all get that way. I actually almost lost it at work tonight but after I let one tear roll out I stopped myself and switched my thoughts. Thought of the good things in my life right now and the wonderful new people I have met since this mess started. I thought of the ones who helped snap me out of my dark period and the ones who have helped me along since.

I thought of the person I have become and the fact that I don't want to be the old me ever again.

And then someone at work told me something tonight. She told me I was so lucky because I was free. I no longer had to deal with an overbearing, verbally abusive husband like she has to. She said she wishes she was in my position.

That statement really woke me up.

Think about it Sherri, there are women out there who wish they were us. Because while they are stuck with these abusive, nasty spouses and we are free of them. Yes we still have to put up with their games to some extent but we have the option to say "you know what, I'm not okay with the way you're treating me, good by"

Change your thought process Sherri. Stop dwelling on the bad and think of what a strong person you have become. Think of how far you have come now. Think of the good things that are starting to happen to you. Positive thoughts.  (((hugs)))


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

/hugs sherry, /hugs 2galsmom. /hugs smallsteps


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

((Hugs)) to you too ne.

Why does it seem we are all having bad times with our ex/stbxh' s this week?

Maybe we all need to do some ritualistic cleansing from our lives of them or something. Ugh!!


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## sherri1997 (Jul 9, 2013)

Thank-you everyone. I feel a little better this morning but I had a really rough night with not being able to sleep. For some reason, this is night 2 without much sleep but it must be b/c I know he is getting papers soon and I am scared of how he is going to react.

SS -- You are so right about others wanting to be in our position. I remember 3 years ago when I found out that a friend of mine and her husband were getting a divorce and I was jealous of her. I have never considered my jerk to be abusive or anything, I just wasn't happy with him. I have my kids but I don't feel like I have much else. I know that I do and I have met some really great people but without him, I feel nothing. And I dont understand why? I don't know if it b/c this month marks a year since we separated and the divorce is becoming real? I don't know if it is b/c we can divorce on our anniversary? I don't know if it b/c he is with her? I just don't know and I hate that he is so happy right now? I heard from a friend that works with him that last night, he was so happy at work but she also told me that he was a jerk and that it won't last. But in my eyes, right now, I can't see how he would ever leave her or she would leave him? What if she moves down here? It is a small town, I just feel so lost? I need to stop thinking this way, but I just can't seem to stop? And I don't feel like I have come very far at all. I feel the same as I did 5 months ago when he signed the lease on his apt. In fact, I feel like I am worse than I was then b/c I thought we still had a chance but now that he has the OW, I know that there is no chance at all. The only main difference now is that I dont' reach out to him anymore. I almost did last night. I almost sent him a message to tell him that I still love him and that I didn't want things to come to this and I was sorry for what has happen and what will happen from this point. But I didn't. I stayed strong and the only thing we had to text each other was the plans for Sunday for the drop off and I made it a set time now each week so that I don't have to talk to him about it every week and I told him that I didn't need him to watch the kids tomorrow morning. That was all and I didn't text anything else. I wanted to though but what good would it do? He doesn't love me anymore. He doesn't love me anymore. He doesn't love me anymore. He doesn't love me anymore.... maybe if I keep typing it, it will sink in and not hurt as bad??

2gals mom -- 10 years. Oh my goodness -- I can't do this for 10 years. I know your story and I know you have come such a long way. And you are so right -- we can't fall apart b/c we have our kids and they matter too much.

NE -- Hugs to you as well!

Maybe this is just a funky week? Hopefully it gets better. I am going to try and get my kids up and go to a workout. I really don't want to go but I need to and I hope that makes me feel better. I know I will be back later!


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Sherri we don't consider them abusive but they are. I never wanted to admit it, my family and friends would tell me it all the time. My cousin who is a therapist would tell me he was. I wouldn't believe it. It wasn't until I was having a chat about a month ago with someone I met on here that I accepted that I was verbally abused. It was an eye opener because until then I refused to believe it. 

Accepting it puts our stbxh' s in a different light. It makes me see him much differently now.

You need to try to stop obsessing over posOW because that's exactly what she is. I referred to her in a thread as the ow and Conrad corrected me. He's right, she should be referred to as a pos. These people are trash, and they are way below us. They don't even deserve our attention.

Sherri, I can't explain it but someday, and I believe it will happen fairly soon for you, something will click. You will truly begin to realize that you don't need him. That you are going to be okay and you can feel something for someone else. The numbness begins to fall away. It's sort of a wake up all of a sudden. For me, the click happened in March and I've continually built on it since. I still slip back from time to time, especially when he drops his little bombs on me but I recover from them quicker and come out stronger each time.

The problem in your case is its almost like you had to start the whole process back over the day you found out about the posow. So when you refer back to a time frame, you're really starting from there. There is no rush for you to get over this. It's time for you to nurture and take care of yourself until you feel that "click".

Hang in there Sherri. I 're read my original post not too long ago and I don't believe that was me. I don't feel the same way anymore.

Someday soon, you will do the same. You won't even recognize the person you started this journey as and you will like the new you so much better.


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

I couldn't sleep either, lol. I had a very restless night, tossing and turning. I began to examine our marriage. I did mistakes, I did bad things, I prayed for him, I prayed for me, I prayed for forgiveness. I was very sad and still am this morning.

I was finally able to fall asleep at like 4am and woke up at 7am. I made the mistake of sending ex a text with "I miss you".
4 hours later, he texted back with "kk".

He is so over me, that is what I had hoped all along, and still hurts.
I will get better, we all will. Takes time.


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## sherri1997 (Jul 9, 2013)

ne9907 said:


> I couldn't sleep either, lol. I had a very restless night, tossing and turning. I began to examine our marriage. I did mistakes, I did bad things, I prayed for him, I prayed for me, I prayed for forgiveness. I was very sad and still am this morning.
> 
> I was finally able to fall asleep at like 4am and woke up at 7am. I made the mistake of sending ex a text with "I miss you".
> 4 hours later, he texted back with "kk".
> ...


I am there with you NE and I have been trying to hard all day to not send him anything and have been successful so far. But I have had those days and it hasn't been too long since I sent a message telling him that I still loved him and got shot down then too so I know whatever I send now, he will just shrug it off and laugh about it with the posOW so I don't send anything. I am sorry you had a bad day. Keep coming here though and we will all support each other!


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## sherri1997 (Jul 9, 2013)

2galsmom said:


> Hugs to all of you. Sherri, the dude is with ANOTHER WOMAN, any anger he may have by being served papers is of no concern or consequence. The first step to recovery is not living in fear of their reaction or letting this fear alter what you need to do for yourself.
> 
> Don't think about "him" loving you, love yourself. Perhaps that is really step one. It is not a cliché, love yourself and be your best friend.
> 
> ...


I do love myself and know my worth but it backslides when I think about him? I have achieved so much in my life regardless of moving out on my own at 16 when my mom died and it took me 11 years to finish getting my double degree b/c of marriage and kids but I didn't give up. I never give up on anything I set my mind to but I just can't seem to set my mind to letting him go?


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## sherri1997 (Jul 9, 2013)

smallsteps said:


> Sherri we don't consider them abusive but they are. I never wanted to admit it, my family and friends would tell me it all the time. My cousin who is a therapist would tell me he was. I wouldn't believe it. It wasn't until I was having a chat about a month ago with someone I met on here that I accepted that I was verbally abused. It was an eye opener because until then I refused to believe it.
> 
> Accepting it puts our stbxh' s in a different light. It makes me see him much differently now.
> 
> ...


SS -- You are so right. I feel like I have started all over b/c of the POSOW -- I like how that sounds! I actually feel sorry for her b/c she has no idea what is in store for her. My mother in law might be the nicest person to her now but when it comes to her son who does no wrong, then she is in for it when the drama with our divorce settles and she sees that witch for what she is. She will destroy that relationship quicker than I ever could. 

I need that "click" that you talk about. My friend says the same thing to me all the time. She says that I will reach a point where I think or say "enough is enough" and I feel close to it too but it always seems beyond my reach.


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## sherri1997 (Jul 9, 2013)

So, today I started thinking about forgiveness of him and forgiveness for myself. I am so angry right now and in order to get past that, I have to work on frogiving him. I typed out an email and almost sent it, but decided not to and sent it to myself instead. Here is what I wrote:

*Hello,

I wanted to tell you that I am sorry for all that happen in our marriage and during our separation. I know we have both said some spiteful things and I want to apologize for it on my end. I don't want this to be long and drawn out but as I am closing our door and moving on, I know that I need to get that out and let it go. I wish nothing but the best for you. 

The next few months are going to be very challenging for both of us and I hope one day, we can be amicable for the sake of raising our kids because they are the only victims in this. I don't agree with anything that you have done since our separation or how your thought process and lies have come about but I am forgiving you for those and letting it go.

Again, this is not being sent to start anything with you, I just wanted to let you know that I am sorry for my part that lead you to stray from our marriage with OW #1 for 8 months and also with my part that lead you to stray to POSOW #2 and lying about her for so long. However, I can't hang onto this anger anymore and I am chosing to let it go by forgiving you and forgiving myself for the things and choices that have been made. I wish you well and the kids will see you tomorrow. I will text you when they are on their way up to your apt.

Also, I don't need any sort of response back on this, nor do I want one. I just needed to get it out there to close this chapter once and for all and move on with my new life.*

Again, I don't plan on sending it. I just had to type it out and let it sit with me for awhile. I can tell that there are some digs in there so that is why I am not sending it.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

Sherri,

Don't send that email. I was in your place 2 years ago. Believe me you will look at that email 2 years from now and say what kind of drivel is this crap?

You probably put too much salt in something you cooked for him one time. That is why he cheated on you. Maybe you didn't trim your toenails to an exact length.

He cheated because he wanted to. There is no other reason. My EX did not do a good job of cleaning the house and I didn't cheat. I got some house cleaners a couple of times but I never cheated.

This is not your fault! He chose to cheat. I understand the feeling that somehow it is your fault and if you were just a little more perfect his would never have happened... That is just crap! Bad things happen to good people.

Don't stroke his ego. He treated you like crap and you want to apologize to him... Pffffttttt. You should be smacking him upside his head with a frying pan not telling him you are sorry.

Sister, forgive yourself. This is not your fault. Let yourself heal and work on being the best you!


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

ne9907 said:


> I couldn't sleep either, lol. I had a very restless night, tossing and turning. I began to examine our marriage. I did mistakes, I did bad things, I prayed for him, I prayed for me, I prayed for forgiveness. I was very sad and still am this morning.
> 
> I was finally able to fall asleep at like 4am and woke up at 7am. I made the mistake of sending ex a text with "I miss you".
> 4 hours later, he texted back with "kk".
> ...


Yeah, Don't do that crap! You are giving him power over you and letting him know you are still there for him if he wants to lower himself to be with you... You got this whole thing backwards. He should be the one begging you for forgiveness. It will come but please realize he is a tool.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Sherri and ne please no more texts to these guys. Do not give them that type of power over you. If you have to get it out write it on a piece of paper then dispose of it in a creative way.

Flush it, burn it, bury it.

See the symbolic meaning? You get it out, then get rid of it. 

Glad you are starting to get control of it Sherri. You need to try ne, you can do it.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

sherri1997 said:


> SS -- You are so right. I feel like I have started all over b/c of the POSOW -- I like how that sounds! I actually feel sorry for her b/c she has no idea what is in store for her. My mother in law might be the nicest person to her now but when it comes to her son who does no wrong, then she is in for it when the drama with our divorce settles and she sees that witch for what she is. She will destroy that relationship quicker than I ever could.
> 
> I need that "click" that you talk about. My friend says the same thing to me all the time. She says that I will reach a point where I think or say "enough is enough" and I feel close to it too but it always seems beyond my reach.


Do not have any feeling toward posow, she doesn't deserve that from you. She actually deserves no feeling from you bad or good. Indifference makes her nothing in your life which is exactly the way it should be. That's the funny thing in my case, I don't like her, I don't pity her, I don't hate her - I have nothing for her. I've never felt like that about someone before.

The "click" will come. It's funny you will wake up and things will feel a little more steady. Maybe you get through a day without that horrible feeling in the pit of your stomach. Then maybe a smile may actually cross your face. Your stbxh and posow will cross your mind less and less. It's a strange thing that happens but it does.

I'm going to pm you. If you want to, read it. I will explain a little more in detail there.

Just keep moving forward Sherri. You are doing a great job.


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## sherri1997 (Jul 9, 2013)

MovingAhead said:


> Sherri,
> 
> Don't send that email. I was in your place 2 years ago. Believe me you will look at that email 2 years from now and say what kind of drivel is this crap?
> 
> ...




I didn't send the email. I read it to a friend and she told me not to send it either. So, I re-read it this morning and i am so glad that I didn't send it. Tank-you for posting and hello!

I am trying to forgive myself. I know that I wasn't the cause of him cheating. There is nothing that I could have done different, even though it crosses my mind -- in the end, he would have cheated anyway. We had a rough time and went to counseling and I thought we were getting better but guess what -- he was still carrying on with the OW #1 the whole time we were in counseling. So, if I would have forgiven him for OW #1 it wouldn't have been long before he would have done it again. The only reason he left the marriage while we were trying to reconcile is b/c of posOW#2. I know for a fact that if she hadn't been there, then he would still be here with me but always looking for something else and would have left at some point to find whatever it is that he is looking for. Thanks again for your post -- it means a lot!


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

YAY for not sending the email!!!
I got here late as usual, but very proud of you for not sending it!
I have toyed with the idea of sending him an email which surprisingly is very similar to yours haha.
But I decided not to. 
I am going to be fine. I still miss him, but hey I miss my cat more!!

Bravo for not sending such email!


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## sherri1997 (Jul 9, 2013)

Why can't I get out of this funk of only thinking about him and the posOW together. I know that I shouldn't even give them my attention, but my gosh, I can't get it out of my mind. The jerk is now completely ignoring me. I don't know if he got the papers yet or not. I had to ask him if he got the papers from his lawyer on the Christmas issue that he is being such a jerk about and he waited like 4 hours to respond to me about it and just said that he hadn't got any papers yet from his lawyer about Christmas. I am getting a bit pissed about him not responding back to me.

I should hate him. I should hate him for all that he has done. Why can't I realize my self worth and let him go? I deserve better for myself and my kids but I can't get past this and I don't understand why??


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