# I know the truth but it hurts all the same



## New2Diss88 (Nov 25, 2017)

Hello, 

I want to tell my story because honestly I need to get it out, I have no true confidants and I’m not so good holding this type of emotion and I know that I will be called stupid and many will tell me that I should expect it but please believe me; I didn’t not know I will be this way, I thought I knew myself, I thought I could handle it, but now the pain just hurts more than anything I ever felt before. 

I married my bf so he can get his green card; I know crazy...I was stupid but in the beginning it was great, we were fully open and honest with each other throughout the whole process. I never cared much for love, I seen what love could did to my mom and sister; never seen a healthy relationship and for a moment we were the most healthiest I have witness. Then suddenly, I begin to feel this veil being lifted, I begin to notice how he would answer questions about relationships and things like that. I kicked him out of the house for a couple of days and then let him return so we could have an open discussion and he admitted to all the things I felt, I know the truth; I wanted him to say it but it still felt like a knife being stabbed in my chest. He admitted that he doesn’t feel anything significant towards me, he wanted a wife but he didn’t care if it was me or another; he wanted to take care of me because he believed he owed me a good life and he believes he can try to give me more but he believes that he would be the same with anyone else. 

I gave him back his ring, I threw his ring at him when he left but he didn’t care that it was lost, he did try to search for it but gave up soon after and I believed it says a lot about how much he cared. The sad thing is that found the ring later that night in the grass, I didn’t tell him. I packed it away. How pathetic am I. 

I don’t want to divorce him even though I should but a part of me hates losing, a part of me still wants him around. I do not believe I am in love with him; I thought about it many times but then again I have never had a clear picture of what love is and how to love. I just wanted someone who believed I was a good partner too. I know, I know....I was stupid to do a green card marriage. I been trying to not always be the one to help. I still believe I am a good person, I still believe I try my best to be the best person I can be but today, I have trying to figure out why I was punished to accept being a mule. I’m just really hurt right now.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How long did you date him before you married him? 
How long have you been married?
Do you have any children with this guy?

Look you made a mistake. We all make mistakes. Stop beating up on yourself. Learn from this and move on. File for divorce. Get it over with.

If you want to know what a good relationship looks like, read the books "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs" (see links in my signature block below).

There are different kinds of love. There is a type of love that is really just infatuation. That's what you feel when you first meet a person and fall 'in love' with them. Those feelings of love are actually your brain tricking you into getting bonded with the person. Your brain produces and uptakes a lot of feel-good chemicals- dopamine, oxytocin, etc. Dopamine is the brain hormone that is causes people to become addicted to drugs like cocaine. "Infatuation" causes a similar high that lasts for about 18-24 months. And Oxytocin is a brain chemical that causes you to feel bonded to the per you fell 'infatuation' or 'in love' with. After that first 18-24 month period, the level of dopamine and oxytocin in your brain greatly reduces and that's when you start to see who the other person really is.

This is why a couple should date 2-3 years before getting married, to get beyond the 'infatuation' time frame.

Another kind of love is long term love, it's a verb... meaning that you chose to be loving to the other person. That's the kind of love that holds a marriage together for a life time.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Further, you say that you still want him around even though you know you should divorce him. Look at the link in my signature block below for the '180'. Interact with him according to the 180 and that feeling of still wanting him around will fade away.

He does not love you, you are a convenience to him.. as green card. You deserve so much more than being just a convenience to some guy.


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## New2Diss88 (Nov 25, 2017)

We were married less than a year of getting together and there is no children, only 2 fur babies and thank you for the recommendations I will look into them. I know I have to get over it,I know what has to be done but all this literally happened last night so today is the first day of letting my frustration out with tears. I want to work on myself and I don’t want to be too quick to divorce unless I tried absolutely everything and only then will I throw in the towel cause I will plague myself with what if’s. I am reading about 180 now and I think this is ideal for me and my personality as I like to take steps.


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