# Afraid to let go...



## firefairy (May 21, 2012)

I’m sure everyone goes through the ups and downs of a separation/divorce. Right now I am currently 6 weeks – 4 days separated from a 12yr relationship/6 yrs married. The reason for our separation had a lot to do with his depression. He always had alcohol and anger issues but in when the depression started about 2yrs ago.. it became the final straw. He took out his anger and frustrations on me. Put me down. He turned my efforts to help him in resentment against me. I am far from perfect and take my fair share of blame in our issues. I have no problem owning my mistakes and admitting my wrongs. Things just got too hostile between us. It felt like I was the enemy and he was so quick to think the worse of me. I was constantly being misunderstood and made out to be a monster. I just couldn’t live like that any longer. 
The first 2 weeks were really hard.. Lots of tears, sorrow, fear and cottage cheese brain. Then the anger settled in with all the thoughts of “maybe we just weren’t ever right for each other and spent too much time trying to change each other or fix something that wasn’t meant to be fixed.” The feelings were followed by feelings of calm without all the hostility in the house. Then two weeks ago we started talking. It started with him leaning on me and draining me from all my strength because he ‘needed’ me to help him through a hard point of depression, which lead to us reminiscing about our first few years.. Then led to us flirting.. Which spiked a bit of hope that reconciliation just might be possible in the future. Now we are back to not talking again. I will add, for no reason really.. Maybe he just got his fix and doesn’t need me right now? I know that I am far from ready to start dating or to have any kind of intimate relationship with anyone… but I have met someone that is kind, caring, sees me for me, compliments me, and is a really good man and father. I spent a little bit of time with him the past Saturday. He got me flowers and took me for a wonderful afternoon of fun and good conversations; I’ve been upfront that I’m not ready for anything more than a friendship but he has also been upfront in letting me know that he wants more when my heart is ready. Since then he has sent me a gift basket to my work and is asking that I spend more time with him this weekend. I am in panic mode. One, I am not use to nice gesture or a man treating me this way so it’s freaking me out and making me feel pressured. Two, all I can really think about is ‘why doesn’t me husband see me the way everyone else does.. why is he letting me go?’ I am sure it’s just a lot of mixed emotions and fear.. I’m sure it has a lot to do with not being ready to move on and not being able to completely let go. I try really hard to feel my feeling, understand them, learn from them.. But this is all new water for me. Didn’t I always pass up the good guy for the *******? That’s the story of my life and I’m not sure how to break the habit. Any input, advice or even constructive criticism would be greatly appreciated!!


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## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

Hi, Firefairy.

My... 'concern' if you like, is that it's too soon for you to be accepting or validating the attentions of another guy. 

You're only just out of a long term relationship (LTR). One that you've barely had time to begin to unravel and heal from. Your emotions (and stop me if i'm wrong) are not settled or in the right place yet. Your post screams that.

And it seems (again, to me anyway) that although you've tried to make it clear to the new guy that you're not ready, he's not respecting your wishes, or boundaries. The flowers, the gift basket, the increasing pressure to be 'with' him. As nice as he is appearing to be, I'm smelling 'predator'. 

Try this. Ask the new guy to respect that you're not ready and ask (firmly) for a 2 week break. No contact, no gifts. See how he reacts. If it's with anything less than grace and respect, dump his a$$. 

And focus on you. You have to heal, and grow strong. It will take time, but you need it so you can re-find yourself.


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## firefairy (May 21, 2012)

I tend to be an over thinker so the thoughts that are bothering me the most is knowing that most of my reluctance to move on/let go come from my feelings that I need to protect my husband’s feelings. I am too afraid to hurt him or to ruin any chances that we may have at reconciling down the road.. Which leads to the most conflicting feeling; Is the relationship with my husband toxic, has it always been toxic? Is it more a codependent/addictive behavior relationship? I feel so lost in my own head. But something of truth is that, I am NOT emotionally available for anyone right now. 

Thank you for your reply DayOne. I really appreciate your words. They make sense and I do feel like I need to drawl a darker line on my boundaries. Sometimes I am too gentle and kind when expressing my feelings so maybe I need to be a lil more stern and straight forward!


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

Was dating other people part of your separation agreement?

Date after your divorced, you'll have a clean conscience.

Stretch


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## firefairy (May 21, 2012)

There is no agreement. No terms. 

I did not file for divorce due to financial strain from the separation. As I am still adjusting to paying for the household bills alone with only a small bit of financial help from him. Also other reason like medical insurance, the house (but it is listed for sale) etc etc. Who am I kidding.. I haven’t even taken his pictures down.. There’s more to it than that, I guess. I guess I have been telling myself its ok to ‘hang out’ as long as it’s not considered a date and there is no physical/intimate contact. All my female friends are married or having babies so it seems the only people that are messaging and texting me tend to be male. I guess it’s just a complicated situation no matter how I slice it!


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## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

firefairy said:


> I tend to be an over thinker so the thoughts that are bothering me the most is knowing that most of my reluctance to move on/let go come from my feelings that I need to protect my husband’s feelings. I am too afraid to hurt him or to ruin any chances that we may have at reconciling down the road.. Which leads to the most conflicting feeling; Is the relationship with my husband toxic, has it always been toxic? Is it more a codependent/addictive behavior relationship? I feel so lost in my own head. But something of truth is that, I am NOT emotionally available for anyone right now.
> 
> Thank you for your reply DayOne. I really appreciate your words. They make sense and I do feel like I need to drawl a darker line on my boundaries. Sometimes I am too gentle and kind when expressing my feelings so maybe I need to be a lil more stern and straight forward!


Lil bit!  This is why i mentioned taking this time as an opportunity to heal. But also to find your strength. I feel (and again, I may be wrong) that you may have lost yourself. You've spent so long, and so put much of yourself into trying to make your marriage and relationship work, with a 'man' that ultimately couldn't or wouldn't change, that there's nothing left of 'you'. 

And that's what you need to find again. 

From your OP I see an intelligent, caring, sensitive woman. You now need to spend some quality time with her. Learn to love again, but learn to love her first. 

If, and I hope it does, I sound like I know what you're going through, and how you're feeling, it's because I think I do.


Because i was that man. And it shames me to say it, my Wife was that woman. She was you. If my Wife read your OP, she would think she had written exactly the same thing. She finally reached the point where she felt she had to get out. To reclaim herself. She had nothing left to give, she had given all of herself to me. And i had rejected it.

My thread is here.

Fortunately, in my case, I have realised that i was that man. But i had grown to hate him, and decided he had to go. 'D-Day' was the kick in the a$$ that finally woke me up. The last 6 weeks i have worked constantly to change him. To kill that man off and become someone better. 

Yes, your relationship was toxic. For you. Stop hoping that your 'man' will change. Stop waiting. You can never change him. Only he can. And has it appears that he won't. You have to move on. 

Take your life back. Start by making your house, YOUR home. Take down the pictures, box them up. Box up the memento's. Rearrange the furniture. If you can, buy new sheets and decorations for the house. Chuck some paint around. Make it 'yours'. It's incredibly cleansing. Physically and emotionally. 

DON'T be 'emotionally available' for anyone else right now. Your 'love bank' is empty. Start to fill it back up with yourself. DON'T be fooled by any overtures from 'him'. DON'T start any new relationships. Love yourself first. Seek out new friends. Nurturing, loving, caring friends. One's you can vent with, cry with, LAUGH with. Open up to them. It'll be hard, but incredibly worth it.

I can only wish you all the best for your journey. You CAN make it.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

You might be a fixer. Your husband keeps drawing you in probably because you represent a safe harbor. When he feels your drifting away he pulls you back in. His depression is like gravity, when it lessens you feel the pull less, and when it deepns, you feel more drawn in.

Your husband needs to stop leaning on you, and you have to break the cycle of being his emotional crutch. 

Tell the other guy that you need him to back up, until you get your life in order. If your interested in in him, tell him that you will initiate when your ready. Other than that, tell him if he finds someone else, you will be glad for im and hope to remain friends. 
Also, it isn't your job to fix him, only he can do that. You need to get away from his sphere of influence and concentrate on yourself. 
With him around, your not growing as a person.


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## firefairy (May 21, 2012)

DayOne - That was exactly what I needed to hear. I can't even express how thankful I am for your reply. 
You weren't wrong. You are reading me like a book. 
It's funny because a few weeks ago I thought the exact same thing; that I would paint my house one room at a time for my 'therapy.' With each room that I painted I would be letting go of the past and accepting change and new beginnings. Well I decided to start with the living room because it has the most family pictures. I started undecorating the living room a few weeks ago only to put everything back because I just couldn't find the time to paint! (time management has been a big challenge now that I am taking care of the house by myself, working full time plus taking care of my kids) Then over the weekend I decided to decorate for x-mas (yea i'm that girl) when doing so I realized that I need to take the pictures down but I know that because I am very anal with how my house looks, having empty picture frames would drive me NUTS! So I called my photographer friend and scheduled a session for new family pictures with just me and my daughters!  I'm getting there slowly. I am trying to take my life back and find myself but I just get pushed back into these lil ruts from time to time.

Not to mention he still has tons of stuff here that he hasn't moved on. He's barely moved out anything. 

I'm going to read your thread now.

MrFisty - I am a fixer. You also are reading me like a book. I think when I feel the pull less, I sometimea instigate a little to make him pull me back in again because i'm lost without the pull. Thank you for helping me realize that. It's a cycle I need to break so I can have healthier relationships in the future. 

"Tell the other guy that you need him to back up, until you get your life in order. If your interested in in him, tell him that you will initiate when your ready. Other than that, tell him if he finds someone else, you will be glad for im and hope to remain friends." 

That is great advice. Thank you. I think that is what I need to do. I don't like the pressure of feeling like there is this super nice guy on my shoulder that I am going to potentially hurt because I am not ready to give him what he is looking for and honestly, I don't know if he is even right for me??! I'm just not ready to date.. let alone have a new guy wanting more than that from me.


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## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

firefairy said:


> I thought the exact same thing; that I would paint my house one room at a time for my 'therapy.' With each room that I painted I would be letting go of the past and accepting change and new beginnings. Well I decided to start with the living room because it has the most family pictures. I started undecorating the living room a few weeks ago only to put everything back because I just couldn't find the time to paint! (time management has been a big challenge now that I am taking care of the house by myself, working full time plus taking care of my kids) Then over the weekend I decided to decorate for x-mas (yea i'm that girl) when doing so I realized that I need to take the pictures down but I know that because I am very anal with how my house looks, having empty picture frames would drive me NUTS! So I called my photographer friend and scheduled a session for new family pictures with just me and my daughters!  I'm getting there slowly. I am trying to take my life back and find myself but I just get pushed back into these lil ruts from time to time.


It definitely sounds like you're on the right road. You've already found aspects of your life that you can take control of (the house), and how to make it happen. Be proud of that. Find solace in the 'lil' things you achieve. Eventually they will have added up to a lot. You'll look back and suddenly see how far you've come. Some days will feel like you're sprinting, some will feel like you can barely put one foot in front of the other.

Disconnect your 'emotional hose' from him, as its draining you dry. On the dark days, when you feel like giving up, look at your girls. Ask yourself what kind of Mum (Mom?) do you want to be for your girls? What do you want them to see when they look at you? A beaten down, insecure, empty person, or a strong, independent, self-loving, WOMAN! 


(Hint: you already know the answer, now GO AND FIND HER!:smthumbup


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

There are ways to put that fixer part of you to good use. Become a role model, work with less fortunate kids, be proactive in some kind of charity trying to make a change. But keep a level of detachment when pursuing. 

My friend helps out inner city kids with tutoring, and shows them a better way of life. You can make that part of you a strength.


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## firefairy (May 21, 2012)

Having another rough day. Maybe it’s the weather. Or maybe it’s because since I let him drag me back in the other week, it feels like we are breaking up all over again. 

I did message the new guy and told him that I thought I would be able to handle hanging out as just friends as long as I was up front about not being ready to date.. but that it’s still too much for me right now because I stopped focusing on myself and I need to take some time to heal and let go of my past. His response was just more pressure on my shoulders. He responded that he likes me and doesn’t plan on giving up on me.. that when he sees what he wants he does for it.. that he will back off and give me my time but won’t go away unless I tell him to! Umm.. while I should be flattered that someone is so interested in me and wants to help me through my hard times and give me a better future, I just feel completely overwhelmed by his persistence. I’m still in love with my husband.

Speaking of my husband or should I say STBX, it’s become even clearer to me last night that he is NOT emotionally available and might never be. I tried talking to him about my feelings and he just turns it around and tries to make me feel guilty for making him feel bad. I just can’t keep doing this to myself. I can’t keep loving someone that doesn’t love me. The most messed up thing is; he never really treated me all that great, we always had problems and issues, it was always more of a codependent/addictive behavior relationship, we never really had anything in common, we fought often and we had major communication issues.. SO why the heck do I want someone like him anyway!! Why do I feel so lost without his love?? Set-backs, aren’t they great?! 

On a happy note, I did decide to start packing up his belongings, taking down pictures and begin painting this weekend. I also think it’s time to seek a lawyer and file for the big D. I know I can’t keep living in limbo. I need to pick my path and my choice is to work through this hurt sense of abandonment and move on to bigger and better things


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## firefairy (May 21, 2012)

I never thought of that, Mr. Fisty. I think thats something i need to look into so that i can get my fixer fix! 

Still trying to disconnect the emotional hose! That darn hose is screwed in tight!! I need a good wrench!!


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Wow, he sounds way too pushy. I don't know who he think he is, but your strong enough to fix your own problems. 

People should give themselves words of re-affirmation. Every time I look into the mirror,, I ask myself who is that good looking guy I see. LOL. Just kidding. But yeah, I have my strengths and weaknesses. I affirm my good quality, and state my bad ones, and see on how I can resolve them or minimize them. I am not aiming for perfection, just better. 

That emotional hose that you ar talking about. I imagine it like a drug addiction. Love is a series of hormones, and like a drug, it takes time to dissipate . Did you know infatuation, or romantic love, hits the same areas of the brain as heroin? Dunbar states, that we can only maintain a few deep relationships, and most people in our life are just acquaintances. By forming new friendships, and deepening others, like your children, those bonding hormones are diverted to them instead. Think about it as emotional energy, the less you put into it, the faster it dies. You have only so many you can expend, and wherever you allocate them to, the stronger those bonds will become.

I would probably end communications with the other guy. State that by the time your done figuring yourself out, he may not be the type your looking for. He sounds a little damage himself. It is like he wants to be wanted, and he may look at himself as a shining knight. Avoid those guys. 

Most guys that women are attractive too, are the ones who have self-respect. Take care of themselves, and maintain their own independence. They are not afraid of rejection. They can communicate well, and yet be stoic when needed. They will let you have your own space. They will listen to your concerns but not interfere unless your ask them. Your not a damsel indistress. You just want someone who understands you better, and want their support, as you battle those demons.


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## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

Looks like i was right.

Predator.


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## firefairy (May 21, 2012)

Well I wrote a message to the new guy and I was brutally honest while still trying to be kind; I told him that still loved my husband and I'm not ready to let anyone else love me until I can learn to love myself. He replied, that he will give me space and said goodbye.
I messaged my husband and asked how to start the lawnmower because its older and doesn't work right so I have no idea how to start it. He ended up coming over and laying in on me about how I let my kids walk all over me, he doesn't know what I want, nothing's changed.. I can't keep asking him to do stuff for me. Which may I add the only things I asked is for him to take the trash because he can get rid of it for free, to get my plastic so that I can plastic the windows for winter because he can get it for free.. And I asked how to start the mower. He went on to say.. You wanted this separation.. Blah Blah blah!! I feel so backed into a corner when he gets like that. I feel attacked and go to defense mode. I think straight or communicate with him when I feel like I'm being attached. I'm doing my best and I'm sorry if it's not good enough!! I just don't understand why he thinks the worse of me all the time!! Ugh!


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## firefairy (May 21, 2012)

My Fisty - I like your style!! Thank you for the perspective on love and my brain. Definitely some food for thought!!


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## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

((((firefairy))))



firefairy said:


> Well I wrote a message to the new guy and I was brutally honest while still trying to be kind; I told him that still loved my husband and I'm not ready to let anyone else love me until I can learn to love myself. He replied, that he will give me space and said goodbye.
> *Looks like i was wrong .
> 
> Not such a Predator.*
> ...


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## firefairy (May 21, 2012)

I didnt really get the predator vibe from him. I think he is generally just a nice guy that wears his heart on his sleeve. But do to my state of mind, his aggressive approach was just too intimidating. I did just receive a text from him but it just a hello, have a great weekend and remember you are a strong and confident woman, you will heal.


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## firefairy (May 21, 2012)

On a good note.. I did buy some paint and hope to start painting the living room tonight


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Is there anyone else you can ask for help? Now that you are separated, you have to break the cycle of leaning on him. 

Ask a neighbor, they tend to not mind. Ask relatives or a friend. Start learning to do these things on your own. 

He sounds like he doesn't know how to cope. He llashes out, and is emotionally stunted. There might be childhood issues, and he should not be around the children. 

Children are like a mirror of us, and your children need healthy rolemodels. 

If any of your children's friends have good father type figures, ask if they can be around them, ask your family if they can be a role model. 

They just need stable people in their lives.


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## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

*Re: Re: Afraid to let go...*



firefairy said:


> I didnt really get the predator vibe from him. I think he is generally just a nice guy that wears his heart on his sleeve. But do to my state of mind, his aggressive approach was just too intimidating. I did just receive a text from him but it just a hello, have a great weekend and remember you are a strong and confident woman, you will heal.


Hmmmm, not so bad. Give yourself some time, then reach out to him. But make it clear that you're hurting and he'll have to slow it down to a crawl.


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## firefairy (May 21, 2012)

I have no one to blame but myself!!! I let him suck my heart back in a little on Sunday night. We had some good conversation that made my heart a little hopeful. Then yesterday he decided to bring me some chili that he made and he came in smelling like a brewery and walking like had been to one. Alcohol was always a problem in our relationship so seeing and smelling him in that state made me upset. I let it go. I didn’t say anything. But then this morning I told him that I was having a bad morning (sad news last night about some childhood friends and a rough night with my teenager who is having a difficult time at school) and instead of feeling sympathetic to my teenagers struggles he just wanted to lay in on her short comings and complain about me not being strict enough. I just wanted to scream “you selfish mofo = I’m sorry that I have bad days too.. I’m sorry that I don’t have enough energy to deal with your bs and stroke your needs today!!!”


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## firefairy (May 21, 2012)

Mr Fisty - I wish i had a stonger support system.. But i always seemed to be the one everyone leaned on. The fixer - the codependent. So now that i need help, no one is around.. or maybe i'm just to afraid to reach out??


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

He is keeping you hooked. Whenever you pull away, he casts his line and catch you again.

Whats going on with your teen?


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## firefairy (May 21, 2012)

She has been relentlessly begging to be homeschooled. She is complaint that she doesn't have any friends and hates school. Supposedly a 'friend' of hers is giving her a hard time, talking about her.. And now everyone is mad at her. I just can't tell if she is being sincere and is really having a hard time or if she's trying to work me into getting what she wants. She's not a crier, so the endless tears last night were real. She only has 1.5 half left of high school so I don't want to let her run from her problems.. I just don't know what is best!! Mom stress!!! I can't catch a break lately!


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

It is better to ask her to calm down, and when her emotions are level, that she is able to better communicate her issues.

Right now her social circle is small, and once she branches out into the world, She will maintain different circles.

Also she is avoiding her issues, and running.

It is not your job either to fix her problems.

She has to develop coping skills.

If she is being bullied, then you should get involved, or if she is going through depression, then seek a counselor or therapy.

Hard to say what her problems are without fully knowing the reason behind the problem.


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## firefairy (May 21, 2012)

Horrible weekend with a capital H! Friday I asked the STBX to pick up our daughter from her sporting carpool because I was busy getting ready for the long weekend. I think he was drinking so he said no.. or actually just avoided answering me. Then Saturday I had to wake up early, do housework, drive our daughter to her sports (an hour away) sit there for 2hrs then go home and finish chores and pack for our overnight trip for our daughter’s first meet! He stopped at the house with the plastic that I asked for a few weeks back and boy was he in a mood. He followed me around fighting with me, yelling at me.. Being a complete jerk!! Then he said he wasn’t going to go with to the hotel and meet.. which pissed me off for two reasons; 1 if I would have known he wasn’t going to go, I could’ve asked a friend or relative to go with me and two I paid for the hotel, he was planning on bringing the spending money. I just got in the car to take our daughter by myself when my phone rings. It’s him asking me to pick him up. I wasn’t going to.. But I thought ‘this isn’t about me, this is for our daughter.’ I picked him up; he slammed my trunk shut, slammed the door, through his keys down, said about 3 words to our daughter then reclined and went to sleep. We arrived at the hotel he went in climbed on a bed got a book out and read. My daughter and I went to the pool for a little then ordered some food.. He stared at the wall for a while, then kissed her on the head and went to sleep. The morning he might have said 5 words to her.. but none to me. He sat next to me and the meet, followed me out when I went out to smoke.. But didn’t say a word. Then towards the end of the meet he actually answered my questions because I couldn’t hear the award ceremony right. We went to a restaurant to celebrate our daughter’s great meet! He was actually coming around a little and ate for the first time. Then.. I went up to go to the salad bar and he asked my daughter for the password to my phone. He saw a few messages for the new guy. He got up and went out to the car. He yelled and fought with me a few times on the way home. Was silent and sad the rest of the time. The thing is.. There is nothing going on with the new guy. I am not ready to date! I have not reached that level. I have told the new guy over and over again that I am not ready to date! But of course none of that was good enough for my STBX. Might I add we have been separated for 2 months now!! In these two months he has done nothing to get better and heal from his depression and drinking. He has done nothing to try to get me back. He has done nothing to let me know that he still cares. (Except for the short lived random sucking me back) I have always been clear that I love him but I will not go back to the way things were! I will not move forward until he gets better. I get it. It hurts. It hurts to think I’m moving on. But again, I never get the benefit of the doubt.. so quick to think the worse of me. I am completely exhausted for so many reasons!!! And now he keeps calling and texting because he’s at another really low point in his depression where he feels physically ill, alone and depressed.. and of course I feel awful when I really didn’t do anything wrong.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Letting go is hard.

The history and experience that the two of you shared, plus the bond of having a child together.

The frustration you feel when he can't see things from your point of view.

Your hoping that he is near rock bottom so he can seek help.

Fact is, your hoping he will change, your hoping things will turn out a certain way.

Your finding hard to deal with the reality.

You have to plan your life as if he is not in it.

He is an emotional black hole, draining all your emotional energy away.

You have to learn to care about him from a distance, and start living your own life.

His issues are his own, and so are his emotions.

Just like your issues are yours and so are your emotions.

Start recording him when your around him.

If you seek a divorce, or if you have not already seeked a legal separation, this is crucial.

It will show you as the stable parent, and if you ever need a restraining order, you will have the evidence.

The fact is, you don't know how unstable he will become.

Never underestimate anyone.


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

Glad DayOne pounced on it early. I've been rebuked for my 'beware the flower guy' posts, lol.

You've been given top advice Firefairy,, and your own 'codependency' is good.

One more way to clarify the same thing - You are his wife, not his carer.

You're being manipulated and used the same way a less strong woman is subjued by a slap in the face. You have different 'victim buttons' is all.

He doesn't need you, he needs a therapist and maybe some medication.

I suspect that his deepening depression led to him doing more sitting on the couch while you took on more and more chores.

Behold. Now that you're seperated his condition is worsening. His ailing self is crying out for your mothering.

He SHOULD be scuttling for all the help he can get,,, cept he doesn't want it. If he 'got better', he'd have to put in the same effort you do instead of sloping off to be depressed when the going gets tough.

He's not mad that the kids are walking all over you,, he's mad cuz you've stopped him from doing it. So, he's pressing the usual buttons - upping his 'depression', his sulking, his tantrums,,, all to show his carer/mom how much he needs her.

What he NEEDS (apart from therapy) is to be told that the reason you've seperated is because you want a husband, not another child.

If you're still undecided, insist that he gets some help before you'll consider getting back together. NOT a promise to get help - to actually see somebody on a weekly basis for at least 2 months.

He'll resist for sure. Refuse initially then go to a meeting and make some excuse about why they can't help him.

He wants his status quo back,, not to be forced into becoming a responsible adult.


He's the one with the big problems (that he needs to fix himself) but you also need to look at why you're so readily tricked into 'mothering', before you start seriously dating. If you don't,, you'll go from needy guy to needy guy same way another woman finds the violent guys.

Finally, I don't think your hubby has deteriorated to this, and you certainly haven't, but see how many boxes you can tick for the pair of you and that might clarify areas you need to focus on. Your areas,, let him worry about his. Just tick his boxes for enlightenment only.

Dependent Personality Disorder Symptoms | Psych Central
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

Flying_Dutchman said:


> Glad DayOne pounced on it early. I've been rebuked for my 'beware the flower guy' posts, lol.
> 
> You've been given top advice Firefairy,, and your own 'codependency' is good.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

All of this.


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## firefairy (May 21, 2012)

You are correct Mr. Fisty. I didn’t “throw him out” (as he calls it) because I didn’t love him anymore.. I did it because I felt like it was the best thing for all of us. I really believed or hoped, that time away from us would be what he needed to find the fight inside of him to get better. (Or for better wording – that he would reach rock bottom) I have such a conscious.. either it’s one of my best qualities or one of my worse… but it makes me feel guilty for leaving him for his illness.. for abandoning him. But I know I did what was best for me and my children. So it’s a battle that goes on inside of me. 

I do often worry about how unstable he will become – He is completely unhinged! 

“He's the one with the big problems (that he needs to fix himself) but you also need to look at why you're so readily tricked into 'mothering', before you start seriously dating. If you don't,, you'll go from needy guy to needy guy same way another woman finds the violent guys.”

Thank you for all of the great advice! I guess I’m too vulnerable. I feel bad for people. I don’t like being mean even if it means sticking up for myself. I guess I need to grow a backbone. For a little while there I thought that I was doing good, that I was showing improvement.. that I was finding myself a little more and realizing what I do and don’t want. Something I did realize was.. I’m ok by myself. I don’t need anyone. I rather have the peace of no fighting than to have someone just to have someone. I know that I want something real. I know what I want out of a relationship and marriage. I know I want to be with someone because we want to be together not because the need each other. I want a relationship where we highlight each other’s feature, not bring each other down. I want to laugh, cry and share with a partner. I want strong communication and common interest!

Of course he is now saying everything that I have longed to hear. It’s nice to hear. But I am not falling into the trap. He has a lot of work to do first! 

He did ask what he needed to do to get his family back/to get better and I told him that he needed to write his own recovery/path to healing.. that I couldn’t do it for him. I suggested him getting a notebook to write some goals, some ideas, write a plan to become more positive and enjoy life again.. as well as write out his demons to get them off his chest. Only time will tell!


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

At least your starting to break the habits of fixing other people's issues, which is an impossibility. Best thing to do is offer advice, different viewpoints, and some additional clarity. Your right he should create his own goal list to improve himself, in turn, he may gain a family again. If those things are worth fighting for, it is natural to put the hard work into it. 

The type of marriage you seek could be found with someone with exceptional communication skills, and someone with emotional maturity. These things can be learned by almost anyone. A good marriage will have great emotional response.

Example.
Wife,"Honey, why didn't you wash the dishes?"

Husband," I am sorry, I will get to it right away. Is there something else wrong. You seem hesitant."

Wife,"I feel as if your not paying attention to what I say. I mean, I asked you to wash the dishes, and you forgot."

Husband,"I am sorry that you feel that way. I don't mean to forget. How about we come up with a solution together."

Wife,"Well, I suppose I can help remind you via text."

Husband,"How about this, I will set an alarm at a certain time to remind me to do the dishes. I do appreciate you opening up your concerns to me. Your right I did drop the ball on this, but I assure you it is not out of ignoring you. I will try and take your feelings more into consideration. Is there anything else?"


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## firefairy (May 21, 2012)

I took notice that a co-worker isn’t really talking to me too much lately. Of course, bring me, I’m reading into it. Perhaps it has nothing to do with me or perhaps I’ve just been too needy and whiny lately that she is tired of talking to me. I guess there is always room for improvement and self-acknowledgment. I am acknowledging that I have been complaining about my life way too much lately. Complaining about all the things I have to do and have no time to do. Complaining about everything that has been going wrong. From this point forward, I will complain less!! I will only complain when I need to vent and get things off my chest. I will learn to suck it up and deal with the cards that I have been dealt! 

Yesterday was a good day. He might have reached his rock bottom. He wanted to talk and the conversation was good. He said he is tired of living the life that he is living, that he gets it now, he sees the gray area. He said he wants to take it slow and do it right, no quick fixes this time! He also acknowledged that he may need counseling and meds at some point. I saw a twinkle of hope in his eyes and a hint of a smile on his face. It was nice. Of course I feel hopeful.. But I am keeping my safe distance until the time is right and he has done the work that he needs to do within himself! I really hope that he can begin to lift the darkness from his shoulders and live again! Even if our paths don’t line up in the future, I will be happy and relieved to see him feeling better and more positive!!! 

Mr. Fisty.. is that a real dialogue?? Does communication like that really exist? Perhaps I live in the wrong state?? A conversation with respect and compromise sounds like a dream!!


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Haha, it is a skill that I have learned to improve myself. Most happy life long marriage learn emotional or responsive communication. It creates intimacy, understanding, and a deeper bond. At first, it was an effort to implement, but later it became habit.

Perhaps, if your in another long term relationship, you and your partner can take a course on communication. Generally, females are better verbal communicators, while men express emotions more through actions. I know if I get into an argument, I need the time to be introspective. i would ask for the time to think about it, and analyze. Usually when people have complaints, there is more of an underlying cause. Like the example that I gave you. Of course the wife is annoyed that the dishes are not done, but the underlying factor is disrespect that she would feel.

Another example, when our spouse rejects our advance, the underlying emotion is fear. Fear that we are no longer attractive, and fear of our spouse rejecting us. Fear that they no longer love us. Sometimes I can gain insight on poster's post, and find the underlying emotions by their complaints.

Or, you can find a man who has great communication skills.


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## firefairy (May 21, 2012)

Feeling both mentally and physically exhausted!! This house is just too big for me to maintain! Always something to clean or do. I feel like I never get any me time to unwind! Still struggling with time management! 
My husband and I have been talking a lot lately and things are going well! We seem to be communicating a little better and feeling more hopeful that 'r' might be possible after he gets better. The big question is how do I tell if I am mothering him or being supportive??


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Allocate more duties to your daughter. At 12, I was already cleaning toilets, doing dishes, and vacuuming.

As for supporting your husband, just encourage him. Just listen to him and don't tell him what to do. Having someone to listen to has a calming effect. If he gets angry and loud, shut it down by walking away, or ending the conversation. Don't engage when he is in that type of behavior. It will reenforce his bad behavior if you engage. Only offer advice if he asks for some. Telling someone what to do is a job of a parent, teaching their children behavior and what is acceptable. A parent offers guidance, while adults have to learn to deal with their own issues and own them. 

On TAM, it should be like therapy. The end goal is try to get the best outcome as possible.


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## firefairy (May 21, 2012)

I haven’t been on in a while.. But today I really need to vent. Maybe it’s the holidays.. Maybe it the winter and the cold and darkness that it brings, but I am feeling both mentally and physically drained! My husband and I are still living separate (3 months now) but have decided to “try to work things out.” At first, it was nice, we were realizing a lot of things that we could have and should have handled differently.. we realized the things that we took for granted and didn’t appreciate and opened our eyes to some of the bad habits that caused our marriage to slowly fall apart. I was feeling really hopeful and optimistic about the possibility of reconciling. Due to my husband’s depression, I won’t move forward until he seeks help and learns to love himself again. Due to my resistance to move forward, he’s becoming vulnerable and needy all over again. Before we decided to try to work things out he was taking out youngest a few days a week but now he just comes to the house after work, spends time there and then goes to his apartment to shower and go to bed. I am feeling like a rag doll. He needs me.. my kids need me.. my house needs me.. my job needs me… but I NEED ME.. but I don’t get any time to myself anymore! No time to think my thoughts through. No time to relax and just be me! I’ve begun detaching again and backing up from the thought of reconciling because I just can’t handle the stress! I can’t handle being around someone that always needs to ‘talk about it’ or bring negative views into everything. My stress levels are through the rough and I feel like I’m on the verge of a mental breakdown! I feel like I took 5 steps forward then 10 steps back!! I don’t want to spend every day talking about the past.. Talking about all the should’ve, could’ve and would’ves. I want to enjoy the now! I want to live, laugh and love!! I want to enjoy my time on this earth. It’s so hard seeing him so lost in the darkness, knowing that he needs help, that he can have so much more enjoyment then his depression is allowing him to have.. but I know that I can’t keep torturing myself! His moods, his tempers, his lack of progress is mentally draining. It’s like I can bring him back to earth for a short period of time.. a few hours and sometimes even a day or two at most.. but then he just sinks back down for no real reason at all and then it takes massive amounts of time and effort and stroking of his ego to pull him back out of it. Am I selfish? Am I selfish for not wanting to sit in the darkness with him? Am I selfish because I don’t want to have to carry all the weight alone anymore, I don’t want to keep picking up the slack because he has no energy to do the things that he needs to do. I am tired!! Soooo sooo tired!


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## firefairy (May 21, 2012)

Mr.Fisty said:


> Allocate more duties to your daughter. At 12, I was already cleaning toilets, doing dishes, and vacuuming.
> 
> As for supporting your husband, just encourage him. Just listen to him and don't tell him what to do. Having someone to listen to has a calming effect. If he gets angry and loud, shut it down by walking away, or ending the conversation. Don't engage when he is in that type of behavior. It will reenforce his bad behavior if you engage. Only offer advice if he asks for some. Telling someone what to do is a job of a parent, teaching their children behavior and what is acceptable. A parent offers guidance, while adults have to learn to deal with their own issues and own them.
> 
> On TAM, it should be like therapy. The end goal is try to get the best outcome as possible.


I wonder how often i really listen without offering input! This is some really good advice! Thank you!


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## firefairy (May 21, 2012)

So my ‘husband’ came to the house last night because I asked him to run to the store for me. Mondays are my busy days (leave the house at 8am and don’t get home till after 8pm – straight from work to our daughters sports) He came in and he was in a fabulous mood; smiling, talking and laughing. As happy as it made me to see him happy.. I also got suspicious. He didn’t seem to get to close to me, so before he left I said.. What no hug! That’s when I smelled the beer on his breathe. I’m feeling conflicted. I know that he a grown man that is capable of making his own choices and I know that if I complain about it, that I will just push him back down into his self-pity and misery.. But I can’t help but feel a little let down. Upset that the only way for him to find joy is through alcohol. Worry that he will replace his depression with alcohol abuse since he has addictive behaviors and drinking has always been an on and off problem in our marriage. And I’m a little sad because I wanted to be wrong! I didn’t want to smell alcohol on this breath.. I wanted the happiness to be sober joy for life. I guess I do this all to myself… keep trying to fix something that not fixable. Oh when will I learn?!


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

It is not your job to fix him, it is his and his alone. How can you control the actions of others? Just keep detached from him, and only deal with him when it comes to the kids. There is nothing you can say to him to get him to change. Keep the priority you and your children, and learn to move on. How many months, years, can you keep your life on hold for him. Life is not going to stop and let him figure what is important to him, and what he needs to do, I believe he likes the attention of being a victim.


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## firefairy (May 21, 2012)

How much more can I possibly take before I break? The holidays weren’t bad. He spent a lot of time at the house with us. There were some low points but we pushed through. Yesterday was not a good day! He was in a bad mood so he was fighting with our youngest daughter in which some of the things he said were completely crossing the line and shouldn’t have been said to a child or anyone for that matter! Then when I got home from work he was still in a mood so he picked at me about all the should’ve, could’ve and would’ve ‘s. Finances and how being separated is costing us a fortune. How him living in an apartment is a complete waste of money and isn’t fixing anything. I get it, I do. But after fighting for 2 hours last night when all I really wanted was for him to go to his apartment, get out of my space and let me relax and read some of my book.. Reminded me exactly why we separated and how far we are from being ready to reconcile if that is even possible. He’s at the house all the time! I feel like I am being pushed backwards! I want to tell him that I’m not comfortable with him being around so much and that we need to take a couple steps back to work on things before we can move forward but with his manic depression and sensitive mood swings, I am afraid that I will just cause myself more stress and drama then good by doing so! Once again I feel trapped! I feel back into a corner! I’ve gotten use to his help around the house and relaxed a little bit.. but in the same breath I lost the confidence and motivation that I had to find myself and rebuilt my life! The negative energy is sucking me back into an emotional tornado all over again! Ugh! Why am I so weak? Why do I hang on to the little glimmers of hope more then I notice the bright red, flashing neon signs reading DANGER!! Why do I keep doing this to myself?? I know that I can’t change him. I know that the person I love is lost inside himself and will never be able to have a loving relationship with me unless he seeks the help that he needs to find himself again and learns to love himself and rebuilds from within. I know that I can’t fix him.. so why do I insist on making it my priority to help him! Over the past two weeks we had some good days, in those good days we had some moments where I get to see the man I married still existing inside of him.. But then it always slips away and he gets miserable! Just downright miserable, negative, nervous, quiet, mean, and sad all in one explosive mood that last for DAYS! It feels like a power struggle most days! He wants to take control of everything but he thinks that I am a control freak. (I don’t believe the label.. I have no problem letting go of all control if I feel trust, safety, and respect for the person I am giving submission too) but it’s hard to give control to someone that I feel can snap at any moment, can make a hasty decision out of anger, can hit a squirrel on the road without feeling even a pinch of remorse (that happened on Saturday and it really bugs me for some reason). I know that I am not being the woman and wife that I want to be, that I am capable of being.. that I long to be.. because I CAN’T. I can’t open my heart and let it all go until I can trust the hands that will hold my heart! When I am being let down every other day.. being argued with.. being judged.. it’s closing me up and making me want to run for the hills as quickly as humanely possible!!


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

firefairy said:


> How much more can I possibly take before I break? The holidays weren’t bad. He spent a lot of time at the house with us. There were some low points but we pushed through. Yesterday was not a good day! He was in a bad mood so he was fighting with our youngest daughter in which some of the things he said were completely crossing the line and shouldn’t have been said to a child or anyone for that matter! Then when I got home from work he was still in a mood so he picked at me about all the should’ve, could’ve and would’ve ‘s. Finances and how being separated is costing us a fortune. How him living in an apartment is a complete waste of money and isn’t fixing anything. I get it, I do. But after fighting for 2 hours last night when all I really wanted was for him to go to his apartment, get out of my space and let me relax and read some of my book.. Reminded me exactly why we separated and how far we are from being ready to reconcile if that is even possible. He’s at the house all the time! I feel like I am being pushed backwards! I want to tell him that I’m not comfortable with him being around so much and that we need to take a couple steps back to work on things before we can move forward but with his manic depression and sensitive mood swings, I am afraid that I will just cause myself more stress and drama then good by doing so! Once again I feel trapped! I feel back into a corner! I’ve gotten use to his help around the house and relaxed a little bit.. but in the same breath I lost the confidence and motivation that I had to find myself and rebuilt my life! The negative energy is sucking me back into an emotional tornado all over again! Ugh! Why am I so weak? Why do I hang on to the little glimmers of hope more then I notice the bright red, flashing neon signs reading DANGER!! Why do I keep doing this to myself?? I know that I can’t change him. I know that the person I love is lost inside himself and will never be able to have a loving relationship with me unless he seeks the help that he needs to find himself again and learns to love himself and rebuilds from within. I know that I can’t fix him.. so why do I insist on making it my priority to help him! Over the past two weeks we had some good days, in those good days we had some moments where I get to see the man I married still existing inside of him.. But then it always slips away and he gets miserable! Just downright miserable, negative, nervous, quiet, mean, and sad all in one explosive mood that last for DAYS! It feels like a power struggle most days! He wants to take control of everything but he thinks that I am a control freak. (I don’t believe the label.. I have no problem letting go of all control if I feel trust, safety, and respect for the person I am giving submission too) but it’s hard to give control to someone that I feel can snap at any moment, can make a hasty decision out of anger, can hit a squirrel on the road without feeling even a pinch of remorse (that happened on Saturday and it really bugs me for some reason). I know that I am not being the woman and wife that I want to be, that I am capable of being.. that I long to be.. because I CAN’T. I can’t open my heart and let it all go until I can trust the hands that will hold my heart! When I am being let down every other day.. being argued with.. being judged.. it’s closing me up and making me want to run for the hills as quickly as humanely possible!!



That is what emotionally abusive people do. They show you some cycles of stability and then it spirals downwards. Once you start detaching, he gets better, and you let yourself be vulnerable and then he pulls you into his cycle again. I think you may have to leave him and end the relationship. It doesn't mean you cannot date again later on, but you need to learn to be your individual self. You let him back to early, and for the sake of stability, he needs to stay his distance. It is not healthy for your daughter to be around him when he is in one of his moods.

For him to seek the help he needs, he may have to lose his family in the process. That will force him to hit rock bottom and the cold truth of reality will hit him. You keep taking him back, so he does not see a need to change. You have to cut him from your life, and only interact when it comes to the children. Your doing this for him and your family when you distance yourself from him. Your also doing it for yourself.


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## firefairy (May 21, 2012)

I know that you are right. I know that I need to push back. I can’t keep letting his mood and actions consume me and alter my life in negative ways. I let him taint my new year’s eve. We didn’t really fight, but I let him sit at my house and bring me down.. prevent me from doing the things that I truly wanted to do that night. I woke up thinking; I can’t keep allowing this to happen. I can’t keep my life, my interest, my desires on the back burner while waiting for him to get better. I have to live for me and my children, each and every day!! 

I decided that I need to stop looking to him and waiting and hoping for change! I need to look at myself and become the person that I want to be!! Today is a new day!! I can never get all the negative days filled with arguments back to redo.. but I can stop myself from reliving the nightmare over and over again! Today is all about me! All about my goals and my dreams! Today I begin to redirect my energy!


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

firefairy said:


> I know that you are right. I know that I need to push back. I can’t keep letting his mood and actions consume me and alter my life in negative ways. I let him taint my new year’s eve. We didn’t really fight, but I let him sit at my house and bring me down.. prevent me from doing the things that I truly wanted to do that night. I woke up thinking; I can’t keep allowing this to happen. I can’t keep my life, my interest, my desires on the back burner while waiting for him to get better. I have to live for me and my children, each and every day!!
> 
> I decided that I need to stop looking to him and waiting and hoping for change! I need to look at myself and become the person that I want to be!! Today is a new day!! I can never get all the negative days filled with arguments back to redo.. but I can stop myself from reliving the nightmare over and over again! Today is all about me! All about my goals and my dreams! Today I begin to redirect my energy!



If you want to take the time and do some research on the cycle of abuse, it is similar to your situation. The goal is not to save the marriage, the goal is for whatever provides the best outcome. If you and your daughters can be healthier without him, then that is the best outcome. If he gets his act together in time, then you will have another good outcome. I will keep reminding you as long as we both are posting here to put yourself as a priority over him.


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## firefairy (May 21, 2012)

A huge revelation.. but definitely no surprise. My husband finally admitted to be addicted to pain pills and sleeping meds. The length of his addiction amounts to the same time frame that our marriage started really falling apart. The fights got louder and meaner, good times became less frequent, and his depression sunk in. I’m not really sure anymore if he was really ever depressed.. in my mind, I think it was the ‘drugs’ that made him feel so low and miserable. Over the past 2+ years I couldn’t understand why he was being so miserable, mean, distant and cold. I didn’t understand why he was treating me and our girls with so much anger and resentment. The truth, him admitting his addiction; has set me free in a way.. it finally makes sense! He has been clean now for 5days. He is going through withdrawal but seems to be handling it all pretty well. He’s coming to life again slowly. I can actually see HIM when I look in his eyes. His mind is less foggy and he is more alert and smiling again. Me.. I’m living in constant fear that he will turn back to pills. It was kept a secret from me for soo long that I’m afraid to trust that he’s clean. He made me swear to secrecy, so I’m not allowed to talk about it to anyone. I get it, it’s his addiction, his business.. but what about me? I lived with an addict for years, I felt the pain, sorrow and mental abuse from his addiction, how can I not want to vent my feelings to a close friend or family member? Is there a chance for us now that this is out in the open? Can we begin to heal if he gets clean and sober? I hate hearing him down play it all and make some excuses, it’s like he still doesn’t want to see it all as bad as it really was for all of us. I don’t know what to do.. how to think. I hate that I’m too gentle and gullible. I hate that I’m so quick to see the good in the bad. I hate that I something as bad as this can make me feel more hope! I’m such a sucker!! I don’t even get it because I know that I will be ok on my own if things don’t work out.. I know that I can find someone else if that’s what I want.. yet I’m still in this never ending battle with him.


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## firefairy (May 21, 2012)

Ohh and I forgot to add.. He was suppose to start counseling tonight. Not for addiction, he's not ready to be open about that yet, but for his fear and worry, which leads to his addictions. But now he wants to reschedule, stating that he's not ready.. that he wants another week or two sober first so that he can go in with a clear mind. Excuse or truth????????


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## Jane139 (Jan 6, 2015)

My husband also became addicted to pain meds and sleeping pills. He works graveyard shift and was never able to manage any kind of a "normal" life. The pills would allow him to get some sleep, but also totally changed him. He did get off the pills finally, a long process though, cold turkey was not the answer. But then he seemed to miss the pills too much; could not sleep, felt awful all the time, no energy, no appetite, etc...not even sure if maybe he didn't find a way to go back on the pills, except that he was passing his drug tests.

Anyway, we separated in December. While his addiction issues surely played a part, we had other problems. Still, I think the pills or his craving for pills may be responsible for the extreme paranoia he developed. 

It is a nightmare living with someone who is caught up in any sort of substance abuse. Makes it hard to know what is "them" and what is due to the drugs. All you can really do is wait and see if he is really able to stay clean, and if his "old" personality returns, if he does. My husband never really seemed to "come back" to his former self. Also sometimes it takes several times of "quitting" the pills before it sticks. So there may be some ups and downs. Good luck.


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## firefairy (May 21, 2012)

Thank you so much for your response. Sometimes it feels just a little bit better knowing that someone else understands! We definitely have other problems to. Our marriage has never been perfect, far from it actually. But, I want to believe that the other problems can be worked through without the pills causing so much negative impact on his attitude and moods. Our main problems without this are; communication, finances and different parenting methods. We are separated too, since September. He started staying at the house more around the holidays but we were fighting too much so I pushed back and made him stay at his apartment again which lead to him finally admitting or shall I say me prying the truth out of him. He’s been staying out the house the past 5 days again. I don’t know if it’s the right thing to do or not, but so far we have not been fighting and he has been more sociable and pleasant with the kids so I am taking it one day at a time. I am working on my own boundaries which include; #1 – I will support a recovery not an addiction and #3 – It is my decision to live with an addict or not, I have the right to know the truth to be able to make decisions for my own best interest. I am also trying to redirect more focus on myself and my own goals which include quitting smoking… again and getting back into fitness! I feel like I don’t live my life for me anymore. Between his needs and my children, I have no time or energy to focus on myself. I have been trying to rework our schedules to pencil in some “me time.” So far, not much luck.. but I’m not giving up! I’ve also set some hard ‘rules’ – I will not allow him to move back in until he is sober for 3 months, we have completed at least 3 months of counseling which most begin with 1 month at the least of him going to counseling alone first. I want to do this right… but what is the right way?! I find myself praying for answers all the time. Praying for signs if I’m making the right decisions or not. This definitely isn’t easy 


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

No, you should not let him run away, and keep putting off what he needs to do to be a father again. You need to also seek therapy, so you can get over the anger and resentment. Even though you want him back now, the emotions of what he put you through will come back. It will breed resentment, and that will destroy your love fast. Because it was his choice still to do drugs. He is the one who still caused you pain, and you need to find out if you can get pass it. Later on, you might find out that it has destroyed your love for him, and the experience, will always shadow the way you view him.

He needs to choose his family, himself, or the addiction. Him putting it off is him still choosing the addiction. My mother had to threaten to leave my father for him to hit rock bottom. She was on her way out when he had to face reality. As long as he feels he will face no consequences, he will come up with rationalizations. Be strong, and don't let him think that you will wait around forever. If you let him push it back, he will continue that trend. A line has to be drawn somewhere, and your the only one strong enough to draw it. He may slip and stuble, but he has to keep trying.


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## firefairy (May 21, 2012)

I agree that I can benefit from counseling. I am always looking for ways to better myself and improve, so I am very open minded to the idea. Money and time are the two factors that are preventing it at the moment. I’m hoping once we get through a few couple sessions that I can squeeze in a few for just me! I don’t on the other hand thing I will harbor resentment. I mean, I will have some fear of getting let down again.. some hurt.. but I don’t know about anger. I’m much to easy going for that.. It’s like “oh we are happy today, great what a relief!” I’m ready to let go of the past, the pain and the hard times. I am ready to live a life of peace and simplicity. I did enough arguing in the past two years to last me 5 life times!! I don’t want that lifestyle anymore. Although.. shadowing the way I view him makes sense!! In a really bad way! I think I’ve been doing that for years already :/

We had some good conversations at lunch time. He seems so much more alive in just 5 short days. He’s alert and focused. He can sit through a conversation without talking in circles. He can play with the kids without looking distracted. Hes not beating himself up as much or worrying as much. It’s all really nice progress and I’m sure only good things to come if he continues to do the work and get healthy again.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Is he still living separately from you? Until he shows months of improvement, you still need a level of detachment. A pattern of this will show his commitment. He has not earn his way back yet, and he still has a lot to prove for what he put you and the kids through.

Other than that, keep growing strong as an individual. If he back slides, or quits trying to fix himself, you can go on with your life. My aunt's ex was much worse. He left them broke, hungry, and pawned their possessions for money. Even though he did not go down to that level, he did put the family through a lot. He was a poor role model as a father. He was a poor husband. Although, if he wants the family more than the drugs, he will try. He may relapse, become unstable, while he tries and recover. You will need thick skin, and support for yourself. You will definitely need someone to talk to. I wish you, your husband, and the kids, the best of luck. Vent here if needed.


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## firefairy (May 21, 2012)

Tonight I'm feeling really sad and confused. We've been getting along pretty well the past week and a half, we even talked about him moving back in, in a few months. I allowed myself to feel hopeful. He didn't do anything wrong.. We aren't fighting at all.. I'm just feeling empty, feeling over whelmed and tired! Most of my problems are my own fault. I catered to my children too much and now they feel no need to clean up after themselves or help me around the house. He was helping at first but is too wrapped up in his own issues right now to really take his share of responsibilities around the house and with the kids. He's been at the house for over two weeks. Today he is Laid up from getting a procedure done and I know I should be caring for him but I feel so spent! I feel like I have nothing to give at the moment! I'm drained! I feel like I'm always expected to bend and give. Maybe I'm just not feeling appreciated or maybe I'm just not feeling loved! Maybe I'm being selfish?! Maybe I'm not giving it my all! But tonight im just have nothing left to say. I have no desire to care for anyone.., not even myself! Sometimes I think when we were completely separated I felt more alive?! I felt more like me?! And that scares me. I know that we need counseling, desperate and together. Just feeling lost and needed to vent


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## firefairy (May 21, 2012)

Mr Fisty, no he is not living separate. He's still paying for his apartment but he's always here. My brother messaged me yesterday and told me I need to find my anger and deal with those feelings. I thinking I surpress the bad and try to forget it! I let everyone make me feel like the bad guy. Like I'm the one that needs to give, my brother included who told me that if things don't work with my husband and i that its because I didn't try hard enough. Where's my strength?! I'm losing it!


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

You want this relationship to work out more than you want what is best for you. Priority should always be you first. Everything you do, feel, will stem from you. If you had strong boundaries, you will put up less with his bullsh1t. You need to effect the change within yourself to have a ripple affect into your environment the people around you, and your situation. He is manipulating your feelings and emotional side because that is where you are reacting and making decisions from. You need to feel your feelings and own them, but learn to detach and let your logical side take over.

Analogy. You are a fruit bearing tree. The healthier you are, the more and nutritious fruit you will bear. The more you are able to sustain life around you. But you need nourishment, and care to grow.

He hasn't prove he is capable of change yet. And if you allow this pattern to continue, your daughters will suffer, you will suffer, and your husband will not change. You are prolonging the suffering for all involved. Break the cycle, and fck what others say. People who do not have a point of reference should not be giving you any advice. It is like an English major teaching the theory of gravity. They have no insight or expertise in the field.

Look at this from this standpoint. Your daughters will likely end up like you, your husband, or a combination of both. You are effecting change for their future as well. This is an important lesson of what drug abuse can do to a family. You need therapy to help you change your way of doing things. Your habit is to give in, and you need to start changing your habits. You need conviction of thought. Keep telling yourself that removing him from your life is best for you and the family. His addiction is for him to fix, not you. Make it a mantra and keep repeating it.


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