# HD Man, LD Woman - Solutions?



## NewlyMarriedMan07 (Oct 11, 2013)

Hi everyone, first post on this forum, I was browsing around other threads and I was pleased with the quality of advice and quantity of responses.

My wife and I are newly married and everything between us is great except for the discrepancy between her sex drive and my own. The base difference between the amount of sex my wife and I would ideally have is quite large, with her probably preferring sex once every two weeks. For myself, I would ideally like to have sex more than a few times a week - the more the better. 

My wife and I recognize that there is a big difference in our sex drive and we've both tried to come to a happy medium. I am a point where sex one to two times a week (preferably two ) would be satisfying and I would be happy with that. My wife says that one or two times a week is where she would be happy as well.

The problem is that we have tried a few ways to increase the frequency of our sex and those ways don't produce results. We have tried having time every night just for ourselves (put work aside), we have tried to be more aggressive sexually in the hopes that would increase our collective appetite, we have tried given each other more space as to build sexual appetite from being apart. 

The sex itself between my wife and I is quite good, she generally orgasms a couple times during sex and I find that she is quite sensitive to oral/vaginal sex - it doesn't take much for her to climax, so unless my wife has been lying or putting on an act for the duration of our relationship, the sex itself is very good.

I am at the point where I feel I cannot invest anymore in trying to improve my wife's sex drive - it's very sexually frustrating to actively work towards that without anything ever occurring. The only solution I can think of is trying to further decrease my own sex drive until it matches hers, which would be a hefty drop. I am not sure if this is possible or wise - it might be a catalyst for bigger problems in our relationship.

Given that we're married, we love each other very much, and everything else in our relationship is great - this seems like a problem worth fixing, it's just a very difficult problem with a clear solution in my mind. Can anyone provide any advice?


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## SMK23 (Oct 5, 2013)

You can't "fix" her sex drive. Is she on Birth Control???


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Been dealing with this for over 10 years. Best I can tell you is to leave or accept it. If it declines to once every two or three months, after a while, your wife won't even appear female to you.


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## NeverAgain12 (Jan 15, 2012)

dude if you don't solve this get ready for a life of cycles of extreme frustration and anger, followed by barely tolerable levels of minimum satisfaction. You are sexually incompatible, and it will eat at you as the years go on.

Trust me, I am twenty years in and the only fix is the nuclear option, you clearly lay down your boundaries for a successful marriage (and settling for once a week with her means twice a month), and be prepared to leave her. She needs to know this.

If you don't have kids, I highly recommend you fix this NOW before other options are less appealing. Assert yourself as a strong, confident leader of your household, and get her to respect you and your needs, and make sure you find out her needs and meet them - all the time.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

NewlyMarriedMan07 said:


> I am a point where sex one to two times a week (preferably two ) would be satisfying and I would be happy with that. My wife says that one or two times a week is where she would be happy as well.


That sounds great. So twice a week is satisfactory for you both. Go with that.



> The problem is that we have tried a few ways to increase the frequency of our sex and those ways don't produce results.


This statement sounds like your wife is treating sex as something that must spontaneously happen, rather than a decision she is capable of making. That's not true. She can simply decide that, since it's Wednesday night, it's business time.
Flight of the Conchords- Business Time - YouTube



> I am at the point where I feel I cannot invest anymore in trying to improve my wife's sex drive - it's very sexually frustrating to actively work towards that without anything ever occurring.


The first things to rule out when discussing low libido is an affair and hormone issues. So you may want to look into those before trying anything else. If those two things aren't issues, then you need to change yourself, rather than try to change your wife. You should try to become more attractive to your wife. That might result in her wanting more sex.



> The only solution I can think of is trying to further decrease my own sex drive until it matches hers, which would be a hefty drop. I am not sure if this is possible or wise - it might be a catalyst for bigger problems in our relationship.


You could try antidepressants. There are often sexual side effects, including decreased libido, for people taking SSRI antidepressants. But the side effects can also include impotence and difficulty climaxing. I think it's better to work on yourself, and try to make her reaction to you more positive.

If you mean that you want your wife to initiate sex once or twice a week, then I suggest you give that up. Most women have a responsive sex drive. You initiate, she responds. Many men who have been rejected frequently will give up initiation. But you really can't. Your wife probably won't initiate until she's horny, which will be twice a month.

Just initiate twice a week and expect a yes each time. If your wife continues to reject you, then deal with that.

I also suggest you go to Married Man Sex Life | How to have the marriage you thought you were going to have. By which I mean doing it like rabbits. to learn more about how to be more attractive to your wife.

Good luck.


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## where_are_we (May 24, 2013)

Mismatched sex drive. I am starting to believe it can't be changed. What I have gathered from the great folks here is:

You have to decide how important this ONE incompatibility is in your relationship.

I am 10+ years in and each year becomes worse. I understand your pain and frustration (but I am a female).

Good luck!


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Yes, consider hormones, an affair, or resentment issues from anything in the past or recent, that has hurt her heart and made her lose desire for you. Emotional hurt or damage from another spouse is usually what can make a woman retract her feelings of desire in men physically. Just check into those things. 

Also, if twice a week is something thats workable for you both, then that sounds pretty good, compared to some people who hardy get that.


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## pierrematoe (Sep 6, 2013)

Twice a week sounds very reasonable to me. Ideally you need to have her agree to meet that requirement. If not, then ask her is she recognizes this is a problem. If she doesn't then you would take next step to a MC. If she says it is a problem, start working on it with hormones, her doctor to start. Sexual release is IMHO a biological need just like shelter, food and love. It must be met


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If you expect the life of a breed stallion, you will understandably be frustrated. Fact is, it's far more likely you are a plow mule, like most husbands. Any game is less frustrating when you understand the rules and your assigned position. The job or a modern American husband is to work, produce, and die.


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## NewlyMarriedMan07 (Oct 11, 2013)

SMK23 said:


> You can't "fix" her sex drive. Is she on Birth Control???


Yes she is, this is something my wife has suggested she alter as there is research to suggest that a decreased libido can occur. She uses the ring.



NeverAgain12 said:


> dude if you don't solve this get ready for a life of cycles of extreme frustration and anger, followed by barely tolerable levels of minimum satisfaction. You are sexually incompatible, and it will eat at you as the years go on.
> 
> Trust me, I am twenty years in and the only fix is the nuclear option, you clearly lay down your boundaries for a successful marriage (and settling for once a week with her means twice a month), and be prepared to leave her. She needs to know this.
> 
> If you don't have kids, I highly recommend you fix this NOW before other options are less appealing. Assert yourself as a strong, confident leader of your household, and get her to respect you and your needs, and make sure you find out her needs and meet them - all the time.


Thank you for the advice, and I agree in spirit that just being complicit and passive is going to breed resentment and that it will not be healthy for our relationship in the long term.



PHTlump said:


> The first things to rule out when discussing low libido is an affair and hormone issues. So you may want to look into those before trying anything else. If those two things aren't issues, then you need to change yourself, rather than try to change your wife. You should try to become more attractive to your wife. That might result in her wanting more sex.


I think we're going to try a different birth control method, condoms I suppose. She is an emotional woman and I would say she is prone to hormonal influences more than other women I have known.



PHTlump said:


> If you mean that you want your wife to initiate sex once or twice a week, then I suggest you give that up. Most women have a responsive sex drive. You initiate, she responds. Many men who have been rejected frequently will give up initiation. But you really can't. Your wife probably won't initiate until she's horny, which will be twice a month.


If my wife initiated sex with me twice a week I would be ecstatic, haha. I am fully expecting to do most of the work when it comes to setting the mood.



PHTlump said:


> I also suggest you go to Married Man Sex Life | How to have the marriage you thought you were going to have. By which I mean doing it like rabbits. to learn more about how to be more attractive to your wife.
> 
> Good luck.


Thank you, I will look into trying to be more attractive for her .



unbelievable said:


> If you expect the life of a breed stallion, you will understandably be frustrated. Fact is, it's far more likely you are a plow mule, like most husbands. Any game is less frustrating when you understand the rules and your assigned position. The job or a modern American husband is to work, produce, and die.


I think I understand and can appreciate the sentiment behind what is being said here, but that sounds like a sad reality.

Thank you for the responses!


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## 40isthenew20 (Jul 12, 2012)

How about sex 1x a week and 2 'others' (BJ, HJ) to keep you sane? My wife is of a much lower drive than I, too, and that works for us. It used to be brutal before her drive returned at all.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

40isthenew20 said:


> How about sex 1x a week and 2 'others' (BJ, HJ) to keep you sane? My wife is of a much lower drive than I, too, and that works for us. It used to be brutal before her drive returned at all.


:smthumbup:


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I'm trying to figure out the disconnect. You both say once or twice a week would be good. So why isn't that happening? Are you initiating and she's rejecting? Is nobody kicking that off? 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Btw, I would agree with the others. Your sex life now is probably as good as it will get. Unless you both make a focused effort to improve it. 

What was your sex life like pre-marriage? How old are you two? Are both of you healthy?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

NewlyMarriedMan07,

Lets start at the very foundation... how many hours a week do you and your wife spend doing date like things together, just the two of you? These can be things like going to walks, sitting together talking, going out to dinner... things where you focus on each other.


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## NewlyMarriedMan07 (Oct 11, 2013)

PBear said:


> I'm trying to figure out the disconnect. You both say once or twice a week would be good. So why isn't that happening? Are you initiating and she's rejecting? Is nobody kicking that off?
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I probably didn't explain that too well, let me clarify: We have both agreed that once or twice a week would be comfortable for both of us, but that simply doesn't work. I will try to initiate but she will be tired, too busy, or simply not in the mood - once a week is what usually winds up happening. However lately (past month and a half) once in a week does not even seem to happen, it's turned into more like once every 1.5 weeks and even that she doesn't seem into. It's a downward trend despite her saying that once or twice a week would be good.




PBear said:


> Btw, I would agree with the others. Your sex life now is probably as good as it will get. Unless you both make a focused effort to improve it.
> 
> What was your sex life like pre-marriage? How old are you two? Are both of you healthy?
> 
> ...


She is 28, I am 24. Pre-marriage our sex life was better, probably twice a week steady, and obviously when we first dated we had sex all the time. On our honeymoon (two weeks in the Caribbean) we had sex every day (sometimes twice) and she initiated often. It's been four months since that though and it's been a sharp downward trend.

We're both healthy yes, although we could both stand to lose some weight. I know she has put on a bit of weight since slightly before the wedding to now and that it troubles her.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

There is no fix for this. (Rarely, there may be a hormonal imbalance, but once that's ruled out, it's just the individual's fundamental nature.) Things often start out good, because the newness and excitement are still in force. That can last from 18 months to 2 years, typically, so it's not until after the initial hormonal rush wears off that the "real" level of desire is revealed.

Sexual incompatibility is a huge problem, IMO. I had the same problem in my first marriage, and it was a significant factor in its downfall. I learned from that and this time, we are bothcompatible in every way imaginable.


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## NewlyMarriedMan07 (Oct 11, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> NewlyMarriedMan07,
> 
> Lets start at the very foundation... how many hours a week do you and your wife spend doing date like things together, just the two of you? These can be things like going to walks, sitting together talking, going out to dinner... things where you focus on each other.


Monday - Friday we spend about two hours together on average, and that is pretty much us eating dinner together while we talk about our day and then usually an hour before bed (sometimes less than that to be honest).

Saturday to Sunday we probably spend eight to ten hours together. She has a job that she is quite into and she takes a lot of work home with her. Typically she works from 8:30 A.M to 4:30 P.M and then has an additional 2.5 to 3.5 hours of work - we go to bed around 10:00 P.M because we must wake up early. She really loves her career, but it doesn't leave her a lot of time.

On the other hand my career ends when I leave work - so I typically have six or seven hours a night to myself.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You say that on Saturdays & Sundays the two of you spend 8 - 10 hours a day doing things together. What are the kinds of things that you two are doing during that time?


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## NewlyMarriedMan07 (Oct 11, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> You say that on Saturdays & Sundays the two of you spend 8 - 10 hours a day doing things together. What are the kinds of things that you two are doing during that time?


8 - 10 hours for both days - so only 4-5 hours a day. That time together is spent either with family, watching shows that we both like, sometimes we go to the movies or to a festival - things like that. 

She has said in the past that she wants to go out more though, to do more date-like things, like go to dinner, go to the movies, have a picnic, go for walks. I haven't been very good at doing that to be completely honest. I think sometimes she feels like we don't go out enough.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Nobody gives cheese to a mouse after the trap has sprung.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Perhaps if you'd like your sex life to be as it was before you got married, you should continue to date like before you got married. Did she work that many hours throughout your relationship? What does she say about the fact that it's still only once every 1.5 weeks?

Sounds like you have an agreement in principle, but she's not committed to it. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

NewlyMarriedMan07 said:


> We have both agreed that once or twice a week would be comfortable for both of us, but that simply doesn't work. I will try to initiate but she will be tired, too busy, or simply not in the mood - once a week is what usually winds up happening. However lately (past month and a half) once in a week does not even seem to happen, it's turned into more like once every 1.5 weeks and even that she doesn't seem into. It's a downward trend despite her saying that once or twice a week would be good.


So, you've been married for four months and your sex life has already started the downward trend. That's not good. That sounds like bait and switch.

I suggest you start running the MarriedManSexLife Marriage Action Plan (MAP). Coupled with that, you need to communicate to your wife her reluctance to meet your needs is developing into a BIG PROBLEM. She has probably heard you state that you would like more sex and interpreted is as an idle musing that, in a perfect world, it would be nice if you had more sex. But, the level you're getting now is perfectly fine. That's your failing. You need to communicate better that she is ignoring you and it's not OK.

Good luck.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

OP. 
My wife is LD, maybe once or twice a month. I am HD, I could go for 2-3 times a day and if we both had the day off, I could go all day! No joke. I have had to conform at times to make sex last a little less time as I am very capable of wearing her out. I also have a lot of self control. We have been together 22 years and married for 18. There has to be a joint effort between both of you for mutual satisfaction. If your wife loves and values you, she needs to understand her husbands need for sex and work herself up/prepare herself for you more often. You may need to become better at communicating the importance of sex to her.

A little more "ALPHA" in your game may be required as well. 

My wife and I for many years after the "honeymoon" phase had a frequency of once or twice a week with sometimes a two or three week space between sex. 
I stumbled on TAM in July of this year and started reading and thinking.
I started communicating more effectively with my wife including my feelings instead of just thoughts. The results have been DYNAMITE!!!
I have always been an alpha male, I dated Budweiser girls and blonde bombshells that were 6'2" when I was 18 and 19, but I never tried having as much of that alpha attitude with my wife. I treated her differently because I thought of her as different to my previous experiences. She is 5'1" and in really good shape, but not a model. She is also the love of my life and the mother of my children, HOWEVER.... she is also a woman with similar needs and desires of my previous partners.

Part of her attraction to me was the same characteristics that had attracted the others.
Just recently I decided to communicate my desires to her in this way.
I had come home after work and she greeted me at the door. Dinner was ready, the house looked great and so did she. I started to kiss her and started turning up the heat. She pulled away nicely but would not respond to the heat. She was ready for dinner and conversation and maybe sex would be later, maybe not. I was not pleased. I went upstairs, changed and came down to eat. I would usually just push my feelings to the side and enjoy the evening. That night I decided to express what I was feeling to my wife. 

I told her that I was a high testosterone, hot, desirable, stud of a man. That I wanted a lot more sex than we were having. I told her that all my sexual/romantic passion was for her, that I chose to be that way only with her and I felt she was overlooking what hot man she had married. I may have started to sound arrogant but I directed all of my desire towards her.
During my sharing, her eyes welled up with tears and she apologized. Within moments we were upstairs having hotter sex than ever! No joke! She was so into it that she made noises I have never heard before and her endurance, hunger, and performance were better than I could remember.
We have embarked on a new adventure in the bedroom and it all started with me not settling and being willing to communicate to my wife that I was desirable and I desired her.
Best of luck, and don't "settle". You don't have to.


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## NewlyMarriedMan07 (Oct 11, 2013)

PBear said:


> Perhaps if you'd like your sex life to be as it was before you got married, you should continue to date like before you got married. Did she work that many hours throughout your relationship? What does she say about the fact that it's still only once every 1.5 weeks?
> 
> Sounds like you have an agreement in principle, but she's not committed to it.
> 
> ...


This is a new career for her, so she used to have a lot more time when we dated. She's always had trouble with bringing her work home with her, when we first dated it was figurative (always on her mind) but now it's literal as she has a lot of things to do to prepare for the next day.

As for her response as to why we're not having sex like we said we should, she says that the last week has been a whirlwind because of X, Y, and Z. This is true, the last week has been busy, but the problem (and I explained this to her) is that there always seems to be something. If last week was busy, the week before she was sick, and the week before that was a new training program at work, and the work before that was the start of a new financial quarter etc. I feel like saying things will always be busy and hectic, we need to make time for eachother. 



PHTlump said:


> She has probably heard you state that you would like more sex and interpreted is as an idle musing that, in a perfect world, it would be nice if you had more sex. But, the level you're getting now is perfectly fine. That's your failing. You need to communicate better that she is ignoring you and it's not OK.


Thank you for the advice, I agree that I need to be more clear that this is a problem that we need to come to a solution on.



ConanHub said:


> OP.
> My wife is LD, maybe once or twice a month. I am HD, I could go for 2-3 times a day and if we both had the day off, I could go all day! No joke. I have had to conform at times to make sex last a little less time as I am very capable of wearing her out. I also have a lot of self control. We have been together 22 years and married for 18. There has to be a joint effort between both of you for mutual satisfaction. If your wife loves and values you, she needs to understand her husbands need for sex and work herself up/prepare herself for you more often. You may need to become better at communicating the importance of sex to her.
> 
> A little more "ALPHA" in your game may be required as well.
> ...


What a story!

My wife and I are somewhat similar to the story you gave here, but I am not sure if the approach you used would work. My wife sometimes responds favourably to aggressive advancement and sometimes doesn't, it all depends on her mood, I could see her just getting upset if I was too forward with her.

I like to think that I am not too passive, I have no problem making a move towards her and letting her know I am interested. 

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After reading all the responses in this thread I think I am going to try the following things:
 We're going to have her get off birth control and we'll try condoms - she's an emotional woman and even moreso lately than usual, it might have something to do with it. In the past (before we met) she told me she dealt with depression, so that might be relevant.
 We're going to try to have a date night in which we go out and do something as if we were still dating. This is to try to kindle some sort of romance as throughout the week we're usually just too busy and any time we have is just watching television - not hot.
 I have started a workout regime. I am in decent shape, but even though my wife denies it, I think if I could be more attractive to her that might make a difference. My weight has increased a bit since we met, so maybe the decrease in sex owes itself a little bit to this? It's possible.

If anyone has any further advice I would love to hear it and I will post an update (possibly in a week?) with whether or not anything I have stated has helped out.

Thanks again for all the help so far!


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

NewlyMarriedMan07 said:


> This is a new career for her, so she used to have a lot more time when we dated. She's always had trouble with bringing her work home with her, when we first dated it was figurative (always on her mind) but now it's literal as she has a lot of things to do to prepare for the next day.


Sure. She has to work to impress her boss. She believes she already has you on lock down. She no longer has to work to satisfy you. You're not the priority. Her boss is now her priority. You either have to change her priorities NOW, so that you are #1, or you need to accept that you will never again be #1.



> I feel like saying things will always be busy and hectic, we need to make time for eachother.


You feel like saying this? Why don't you actually say it? Man up.



> I like to think that I am not too passive, I have no problem making a move towards her and letting her know I am interested.


Let her know you're interested? You're a young man who has communicated your high drive to her in the past. She already knows that you're always interested.

You don't have sex with a woman by letting her know you're interested. Especially not with your wife. With your wife, you always assume the close. You operate on the assumption of a default 'yes' until she explicitly says, "No."

So, stop hinting and then dropping the ball. Start flirting and then pick her up and carry her to the bed. That might overcome her resistance to sex. If not, at lest you have a clearer picture of just how much she doesn't want to have sex with you.

I'm willing to bet that, as much as you think you are assertive, you are nowhere near assertive enough to really attract your wife. Work on it. If you feel like you're being a domineering jerk, you've probably got it just about right. Men who are actually domineering jerks don't feel that way. It's only men who are naturally passive who feel that way.

Good luck.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Two things: 

You should make more of an effort to spend quality interactive time with her on date-like activities, which you say you've neglected. Absorbing passive entertainment side by side does not qualify.

She is busy with all kinds of things. However, that's partly - or largely - true because she prioritizes those things over time with you and sex with you. It's an avoidance mechanism with just enough truth to sound plausible.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Newly,
This isn't about time, it's about priorities. 

You don't have children, which means you have many hours together during the week. If you let her create Monday thru Friday as a no sex zone you are explicitly agreeing to be a low priority. 

The way to become a higher priority is easily defined, somewhat challenging to execute. In parallel you must become:
- more attractive: (mix of playfulness and 'edge', and really focused on her when together. Select activities that require a high level if interaction, such as a sport)
- less available: if she comes hme with 3 hours of work to do, you go to the gym, or meet a friend for tennis. You do NOT hang around the house because married guys are supposed to. Equally you don't go to a singles bar.




NewlyMarriedMan07 said:


> This is a new career for her, so she used to have a lot more time when we dated. She's always had trouble with bringing her work home with her, when we first dated it was figurative (always on her mind) but now it's literal as she has a lot of things to do to prepare for the next day.
> 
> As for her response as to why we're not having sex like we said we should, she says that the last week has been a whirlwind because of X, Y, and Z. This is true, the last week has been busy, but the problem (and I explained this to her) is that there always seems to be something. If last week was busy, the week before she was sick, and the week before that was a new training program at work, and the work before that was the start of a new financial quarter etc. I feel like saying things will always be busy and hectic, we need to make time for eachother.
> 
> ...


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

NewlyMarriedMan07 said:


> Hi everyone, first post on this forum, I was browsing around other threads and I was pleased with the quality of advice and quantity of responses.
> 
> My wife and I are newly married and everything between us is great except for the discrepancy between her sex drive and my own. The base difference between the amount of sex my wife and I would ideally have is quite large, with her probably preferring sex once every two weeks. For myself, I would ideally like to have sex more than a few times a week - the more the better.
> 
> ...



Sounds like you are a high sex drive HD guy and she is a low sex drive LD woman.

Right now, no kids, recently married, you should be having sex almost every day with no issues.

But she only wants it maybe once every 2 weeks? That was my wife after I married her. 13+ years later, sex 1x month now.....

You can't fix her. She has to want to take care of your sexual needs and that you can't make her do either. This could be just the way she is.

If you don't press her for sex, no pressure, she may just not want sex much at all then and get used to that.

I would hammer this out now. Have sex, a middle ground, say 3x each and every week. Anything less than that, once every 2 weeks, then its time to find someone else.

She can't use the excuse its her job. Sex isn't rocket science or requires studying and tests. During the work week, get up 20 minutes earlier and have a quickie with her in the shower.....and on weekends have that special marathon sex.

Next she'll say, there's a good tv show on, maybe later. Or, I'm reading this great book. Or my friends want to do something and I haven't seen them in a bit.


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## WalterWhite (Sep 14, 2012)

NewlyMarriedMan07, you wrote that your wife is very orgasmic, yet has LD?!? If so, then she is lying to you. She is a liar because every woman I've known that was very orgasmic always always wanted more. There is NOTHING on God's earth that feels better to a man or woman then the big O, the OH YEA GOD FOOK ME HARDER moments. Ok, so if your woman really truly loves you, understand you, understand men in general, then she would let you took her 3-4 times a week and love doing it even if her own appetite is LD. My wife is LD but she gives me my cookies 3-5 times each week, every week no matter what, and I NEVER have to beg, demand, threat, nothing like that. She loves me so she LOVES me. If you don't have kids yet, and if your wife refuses to meet your needs in the frequency you require, then get the heck out. Divorce her and find a better woman that loves to do the cha-cha-cha!


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

I never have anything constructive to add - just that I am very befuddled by these multiple orgasmic easy to get off ladies not wanting sex. Something doesn't add up. I'm neither of those things and have been married 18 years and would still be interested in 3x/week.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Scarlett,
And I second the motion on this front. Way back at the start I remember a short conversation after we connected and my W could get to the rapture. She was perfect - just said: sometimes I can't get there, it isn't your fault. 

And I replied with: I love you for not pretending. Don't pretend with me. I do want you to tell me when I can do things different / better to help you have as good an experience as possible. If you do that, I promise to make it as good as I can for you and to be happy with the 'result' whatever that is. 

Funny thing, my W who never had a 100 percent O rate and who maybe had a double O once a month or so in her prime, now has about a 50 percent hit rate. And yet, there she is rocking my world at least twice a week, and more if I ask. 



QUOTE=MissScarlett;4882546]I never have anything constructive to add - just that I am very befuddled by these multiple orgasmic easy to get off ladies not wanting sex. Something doesn't add up. I'm neither of those things and have been married 18 years and would still be interested in 3x/week.[/QUOTE]


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## EntirelyDifferent (Nov 30, 2012)

MissScarlett said:


> I never have anything constructive to add - just that I am very befuddled by these multiple orgasmic easy to get off ladies not wanting sex. Something doesn't add up. I'm neither of those things and have been married 18 years and would still be interested in 3x/week.


Because it's not the same kind of need for us as it is for other women?
I can orgasm quickly and frequently, but I'm still not naturally interested in sex. Orgasms are amazing to me, but just not something I want very frequently.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

PHTlump said:


> So, you've been married for four months and your sex life has already started the downward trend. That's not good. That sounds like bait and switch.
> 
> I suggest you start running the MarriedManSexLife Marriage Action Plan (MAP). Coupled with that, you need to communicate to your wife her reluctance to meet your needs is developing into a BIG PROBLEM. She has probably heard you state that you would like more sex and interpreted is as an idle musing that, in a perfect world, it would be nice if you had more sex. But, the level you're getting now is perfectly fine. That's your failing. You need to communicate better that she is ignoring you and it's not OK.
> 
> Good luck.


Yup. Four months. And she's complaining that they don't go out on dates either. That is developing into a BIG PROBLEM.


I'm ALL for MMSL. When done in conjuction with making sure one's own side of the street is being looked after.


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

MissScarlett said:


> I never have anything constructive to add - just that I am very befuddled by these multiple orgasmic easy to get off ladies not wanting sex. Something doesn't add up. I'm neither of those things and have been married 18 years and would still be interested in 3x/week.


Multi orgasmic woman here with lots, lots of reasons over the years for not wanting sex. I could have an orgasm any time I wanted. Whether or not I wanted to drag sex into it was another matter. 

OP, I would look into the things that YOU can do--along the lines of increasing her desire for you and making sure that you don't resort to whining, begging, anger and ultimatums (unless you're in the market for duty sex). If you've communicated your need loud and clear, then it's up to her to figure out if she wants to up her drive. You just need to decide what you're going to do in response. 

I always suggest having LD spouses do some readings on forums like this. It can be an eye opener in so many ways. TAM and MMSL have done more for my marriage in the past six months than I care to contemplate after a decade of LD/HD misery. My husband and I are like, "WE SHOULD HAVE CHECKED THE INTERNET!!!!!"


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I think the worse thing you can do is to start the talk with a declaration of her responsibility for making problems by not meeting your needs. Even the most even-tempered person would protest. 

An alternative might be to broaden the scope of needs to include what you believe are her needs. Talk about everything in a package. It's easy to shoot down one persons unhappiness, harder when combined needs are discussed.


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## NewlyMarriedMan07 (Oct 11, 2013)

Hi again everyone!

I have been reading responses and I put a lot of the advice from this thread to good use. It has been a little less than a month since I posted my sex troubles with my wife and we made the following changes:

(1) - Went off birth control - now using condoms and pulling out.
(2) - Tried to make more time for eachother, we don't have a set 'date night', but we have been trying to just spend more time together and going out more (which she enjoys and would complain to me about.
(3) - Spiced our sex up a bit by talking more, telling her during foreplay how much I have been thinking of her, etc.

Since this point a lot has changed, in the past weeks the amount and quality of sex has gone up dramatically. I planned a weekend away at a hotel and we had sex Friday, twice Saturday, and Sunday. My wife even initiated sex before work one day while we were waking up saying she wanted to have a quickie.

It's really hard to think about what really made the difference, I think our attitudes are a lot better overall and we had some really good talks about our problems and what we could do. I think she has responded really well to seeing me try to work on things she's complained about, such as not going out too often or being romantic. 

I also think that ending birth control has made a difference as well, she seems to have more of her libido back and things are a lot closer to how things were when we first dated. I hope it lasts, thanks again for all the help!


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## DesertRat1978 (Aug 27, 2013)

NewlyMarriedMan07 said:


> Hi again everyone!
> 
> I have been reading responses and I put a lot of the advice from this thread to good use. It has been a little less than a month since I posted my sex troubles with my wife and we made the following changes:
> 
> ...


Congrats on your improved sex life.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

NewlyMarriedMan07 said:


> Hi again everyone!
> 
> I have been reading responses and I put a lot of the advice from this thread to good use. It has been a little less than a month since I posted my sex troubles with my wife and we made the following changes:
> 
> ...



I could never wear a condom or pull out.....with my wife?!:scratchhead:

That's something you'd do when dating, or one night stands.

That would tell me they don't trust each other and its very odd to me.

There are so many form of pregnancy prevention, wearing a condom and pulling out with your wife of all people???

Nothing beats that full complete connection.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Glad things are going better! 

I see I commented last month - but wanted to also mention scheduling sex. While it sounded unromantic to me in theory its actually been working quite well. Not every time needs to be scheduled of course, spontaneous sex can still happen. But starting out the week with - when can we be together this week - and knowing there is a time its going to happen takes a lot of pressure off wondering when its going to happen. So long as both people follow through.

This woman is obviously affected adversely to hormonal birth control - it seems it kills her libido - so when you take all the hormones out of the picture you get diaphragm, condom, copper iud, natural family planning and contraceptive sponge. Not a whole lot of options. I think OP would rather be getting laid than being spared the condom.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

CuddleBug said:


> I could never wear a condom or pull out.....with my wife?!:scratchhead:
> 
> That's something you'd do when dating, or one night stands.
> 
> ...


The OP wants to prevent pregnancy and hormonal birth control may have suppressed his wife's libido. I would rather wear a condom and pull out, yet have sex with my wife regularly, than fully enjoy infrequent, begrudging sex from a wife who isn't into it.


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