# Wife planning revenge affair...



## WhatIDeserveButNotHer (Dec 16, 2011)

*Wife may be planning for affair*

My wife may be planning an affair.

I don't blame her. I'm sure she just wants to feel good and human again after I disclosed my own affair a couple months ago.

She says she loves me. She tried for a month and a half, but the last couple weeks have been so hard for her. So hurt and angry.

I ache that she'll have the worthless feelings I have now when its over...maybe she won't, maybe it will be liberating and she won't care. But if she does, she'll have both sides of it...and I will as well. Not good for either of us.

What if anything can I do to help her through this? She might not do it still, I might never know as she's being very careful.

Or do I fight it and confront? Or enlist family to talk to her? (she's not reaching out to anyone)

I'm at a loss. I can't demand she doesn't. I can plead that she doesn't so she doesn't feel like I do.

Should I offer my own remorse and feelings to her?

Clearly, I can't demand anything. It's her choice and her life. And I drove her to it. :-( 

I will stand by her through it. She tried with me. I won't abandon her to even worse feelings.

Advice?


----------



## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

First, you can demand it. As with all infidelity, your actions are not a justification for her to cheat - period.

Second. Two, three or four months is still early on. Neither of you should expect to be on an even keel yet.

Third. Send her here. Myself and the other cheaters here will tell her just how much fun it is to be on this side of the coin. Maybe it will have more credibility if she hears it from others.


----------



## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Uh..yeah.

Confront her and stop her if you can dude.

WTF?

This can only make things worse in any possible scenerio.


----------



## 67flh (Sep 26, 2011)

2 wrongs don't make it right. gotta stop this if you're goingf to make the marriage work.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You can say that if she has the revenge affair you are done in the marriage.

What you did was selfish and wrong, what she is doing is also selfish and wrong, but it is also a purely hateful attack.

If she is seriously at the point of doing it, and has already put the effort into building a relationship with an OM, then honestly walk away because she isn't interested in R. She is only interested in hurting you back and that means there is no love or caring in her for you or the marriage.

Being angry and saying hurtful things in the heat of argument is one thing, but this is a clearly thought through planned scheme to hurt. 

So tell her if this is what she wants, to go ahead, but you won't be there when she is done.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

She could just be threatening it as a way got you to truly FEEL her anguish.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## WhatIDeserveButNotHer (Dec 16, 2011)

She hasn't built a relationship, but I think she would want to.

It's someone she knew, but has only had brief contact with during the marriage. He's unaware, and might not even reciprocate. I don't know.

Your comment about "thought through planned scheme" doesn't ring true. I think she's lonely and absolutely repulsed by me and wants anything...not to hurt me. 

I think she's convinced herself I could never feel her pain, even if she did it, since I did it to her before so now I'm tainted.

But everything is SO fragile!! How can I make any demands after what I did? Won't she just resent that I'm saying that and do it anyway? 

Shouldn't I welcome her back regardless? put up with it as she tried to put up with me?


----------



## WhatIDeserveButNotHer (Dec 16, 2011)

She has threatened to see other men, and has told me whatever she does from now on is her business, but hasn't explicitly told me she is doing it.


----------



## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

I would say stop her. Shes not going to feel better at all. It feels horrible. The worst mistake of a persons whole life!! 

Tell her how you feel....maybe that will make her feel better. Let her know its not her fault. Let her know that she is the most beautiful woman in your eyes and there is nothing wrong with her.

I am like 3 days out from finding out my H had some type of an affair. 

I know for me it would still help me to maybe know why he did it. My husband just says he feels so horrible for betraying me like that.

I'm trying to get over it.

I have not lost desire for my husband though if that sounds strange. Make sure to tell her that she is the most important person in your world and how horrible you feel for betraying her.

Make sure you hold her if she will allow it.

Make sure you tell her you understand why she is so angry. Do not react to her in an angry way when she says some very very hurtful things to you about your man parts.


----------



## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Just tell her..

"I know what you`re planning to do.
I don`t blame you for wanting to do it as I`ve been horrible to you so I know you may feel I have no right but I don`t want you to do this."

"If you can`t forgive me and work on this marriage because of the things I`ve done I understand but I`d rather just end it than drag it through an even bigger mess, causing even more pain."

Just tell her...


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Ah, evening the score. 

The score may even but... it solves nothing in the end.

Get ready to know what it feels like to be betrayed. The pain is unimagineable.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How do you know she is planning a revenge affair? what evidence hae you found?


----------



## WhatIDeserveButNotHer (Dec 16, 2011)

Tacoma, I like how you put it.

I am picking her up for lunch today...and will confront her about what I found - her preparations.


----------



## WhatIDeserveButNotHer (Dec 16, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> How do you know she is planning a revenge affair? what evidence hae you found?


BC...and I have a V.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

WhatIDeserveButNotHer said:


> BC...and I have a V.


what are "BC" and "V"?


----------



## WhatIDeserveButNotHer (Dec 16, 2011)

She started birth control, and I have a Vasectomy


----------



## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

BC is because.. I suspect V is VAR, my first guess was Vag... but I assume this is a dude...

*edit* damn, I failed miserably. V = snip BC= Birth control.

BUt you know what that doesnt make much sense... doesnt it take 30-60+ days for BC to start working.. and even so, dont some females take BC for other reasons like hormone regulation & female stuff? (really in uncharted territory here, while facinated with the Vag all my life... I've never had one personally)

lol.


----------



## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

BC and V?

I missed these acronyms.


----------



## WhatIDeserveButNotHer (Dec 16, 2011)

depends on the kind. 

If you've had your period within 5 days...some pills are effective immedietly.

Others, take only 2 days. 

now, being on them 30 days + would lessen the odds of course

AFAIK (recent googling!)


----------



## WhatIDeserveButNotHer (Dec 16, 2011)

BC = birthcontrol, V = vasectomy


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

British Columbia Vancouver?


(kidding)


so you know because she is now on the pill and you had a vasectomy

but how do you know the details? (like it may happen this weekend)


----------



## WhatIDeserveButNotHer (Dec 16, 2011)

Her demeanor and her demands to leave her alone this weekend, she'll do what she wants and I'll have to imagine the worst.

Basically, she said it. I would have to be in the dark for whatever happened this weekend.


----------



## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

Not that you wouldn't deserve it, but people who go for revenge affairs, wanted to all along, they just now think they have an excuse to do so.

I never came close to even thinking about having a revenge affair. No way I'd stoop to a POS level.


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

well then you do have to confront or expect this to be the death knell of the marriage


----------



## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

WhatIDeserveButNotHer said:


> Her demeanor and her demands to leave her alone this weekend, she'll do what she wants and I'll have to imagine the worst.
> 
> The clothes and other things she's packed - not for a night out with the girls.
> 
> A text.


If she is worth her salt, she won't cheat.

Perhaps she just wants you to THINK she will to give you a taste of what its like.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I think you should tell her it's over then. That you would prefer to end the relationship and move on rather than see her do this to herself.

And yeah it is planned out. She has started taking drugs to enable her body to cheat without a condom with another man. She has arranged a weekend away. This isn't a spur of the moment action, this s a plan. It may have already gone PA with condoms.

Just end it and walk away. If someone would actually go to this much effort to get revenge, sorry but the relationship is dead.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## calif_hope (Feb 25, 2011)

Dude, she is telling you that your affair broke the marriage beyond repair....she is being verbal about her intentions that a great number of betrayed wives who decide marriage is over put into action within a time-line comfortable to them.

Some if the things you posted she said sound like a angry betrayed ex wife. 

If she us bluffing or sees you as so weak that she can do this, give you sloppy seconds whenever she decides to and you will stay with her as her ****hold husband.

You need to stand your ground even though your foundation is weak.

Pack your bags also, tell her you know you did wrong, got caught in the affair, never wanted to hurt her, but what she us doing is worse.
Tell her if she does this that you will not be home, that will see a lawyer to start the separation process leading to divorce.

Ask her if the marriage is over and if she wants a divorce before she leaves or to leave either way she is saying the marriage is over and it's divorce and you will see an attorney.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## themightypenguin (Dec 5, 2011)

Talk to her and if she still goes walk!

Or, if there are no kids involved go along for the ride. There are dark corners of the Internet dedicated to this stuff. Just know that it's over.


----------



## Wanabeelee (Sep 6, 2011)

themightypenguin said:


> Talk to her and if she still goes walk!
> 
> Or, if there are no kids involved go along for the ride. There are dark corners of the Internet dedicated to this stuff. Just know that it's over.


If you are sure you feel that she has the right to cheat on you because it's eye for an eye... then do what penguin is saying. Tell her she will not be cheating that it will just be kinky, that you want to be there. To watch, or join in if she wishes. At best she may not want to go through with it if your there, the worst is you would have to watch as another man pleasured your wife in ways you have never been able to. Somewhere in the middle is you all three have lots of fun, and you watch as they have trully bad, clumbsy sex.


----------



## calif_hope (Feb 25, 2011)

If you agree to this you are establishing an open marriage - ask your wife if that's is what she wants - if yes, and if your sure she is telling you the truth just smile, and tell her you don't intend to include your former affair partner in your open marriage but you might be busy this weekend also.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Maybe she's showing you what it's like to cheat from her current perspective as the BS?


----------



## braehead (Dec 16, 2011)

Make a move now. She may end up with an ' affair from hell' which she will regret for the rest of her life. I knew a lady who planned that once..or twice, but there was divine intervention.

Anyway, the best thing you can do for her is to become the best husband she ever wanted. It takes work and faith, but it can be done. 

You will be surprised how liberating faithfulness can be. She will love you again if you do, but it does take time.

I certainly wish you the best,

braehead


----------



## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

*sigh* this is why I never recommend staying married to a cheater.


----------



## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

Wait....Has she told you she's going out and getting some this weekend? When you talked what did she say?


----------



## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Dexter Morgan said:


> *sigh* this is why I never recommend staying married to a cheater.


I hope I can do this and avoid a thread jack - I have to ask why do you never recommend staying married to a cheater?


----------



## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

Personally, if she leaves for the weekend. I would bolt. I would be out of there after leaving a note about why you're gone. For a couple of reasons. You'll drive yourself mad thinking about what she's up to and number two, when she finally comes home to an empty house. The impact of what she did will finally hit her.


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

FWIW She might pick up some psycho stalker in anger


----------



## Wolfgar (Nov 15, 2011)

Maybe this is just a genius plan she's laid out to give you just a small taste of the pain you've caused her? How can you ever truly feel remorseful unless you've felt the pain yourself.

Odds are she just wants a revenge *** though


----------



## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Dexter Morgan said:


> Not that you wouldn't deserve it, but *people who go for revenge affairs, wanted to all along*, they just now think they have an excuse to do so.
> 
> I never came close to even thinking about having a revenge affair. No way I'd stoop to a POS level.


I don't agree with this.


----------



## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

:iagree::iagree:


Jellybeans said:


> Ah, evening the score.
> 
> The score may even but... it solves nothing in the end.
> 
> Get ready to know what it feels like to be betrayed. The pain is unimagineable.


----------



## Wolfgar (Nov 15, 2011)

On another note, if I hadn't cheated on my wife first...I'm not sure there's any way I could have been able to forgive her for her affair (still haven't yet). Being the wayward spouse gives your another level of understanding of the inner workings of an affair and how easily you can get caught up in it and betray the person you love. Not sure this is really relevant with your situation. There were obviously problems in the relationship prior to this, you got to experience a new person...while your wife was at home being a "good" wife. Now she wants to experience that...not sure there's much you can do to change her mind other than expressing to her how it was the worst mistake you've ever made (if you even feel that way)....and that you'll never regret anything else in your life more than your affair and causing her the pain you have.


----------



## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

yep shes bluffing.

but she should get her chance to have some strange! Hell you got yours.

might end up being the best thing for you guys then you can move on or decide that the marriage is dead. 

I think I would do the same thing. Don't think I could get past an affair if I didn't. 

even if she dosn't now. she might get the oprotunity at a later time and think heck he did ti so nows my turn. and you might never find out or find out as shes on her way out the door.

what a mess.

I still think shes bluffing.


----------



## WhatIDeserveButNotHer (Dec 16, 2011)

She left. 


Asked her what her intentions were with having birth control and if she planned to have an affair.

She screamed at me the whole drive home..."you don't deserve to know what I'm doing, I can do whatever I want"

At home, we calmed a bit Talked some, I said I didn't tell you that because of wanting to stop you. 

I didn't want you to feel the shame and remorse on top of the pain you already feel. Just this morning I could see the tear roll down your face, and know that you're repulsed by me and want to have sex with someone but can't with me.

I said I had even thought that I would just accept it and let her deal with it, but then thought...no, I have to confront her and see why she's doing it.

She said there was nothing but anger for me, and she wanted to hurt me. Said she cared some, until I asked her about it and now its pure hatred. 

I was an *******, as it progressed...desperate to cling to any chance of us. 

I kept blaming her...for not trying hard enough. I'm terrible. 

I said, I love you and want to try. Do you feel at all that we might have a chance? Any chance? No. I hate you and its over, she said. I want a divorce. You're an ******* for even asking me. 

She is so hurt. 

So, she drove off for the planned weekend...not sure what's going down. 

Except the divorce looks like its coming. 

If I hadn't lost her before, I have now. I desperately try to hold on to her, and my verbally abusive attacks on her are just awful. I hate myself. It's all my fault.


----------



## Wolfgar (Nov 15, 2011)

I'd send her a txt...Tell her you can never take back what you've done, but you're truly sorry. Tell her you love her and all you want is for her to be happy...that you dont want to stand in the way of that happiness. Tell her you'll move out..then wish her the best and a good weekend.

Right now she thinks she's got a free pass to do whatever she wants and you'll still be there, you have to let her know thats not the case. What you did is horrible, but it doesn't make what she's doing any better.


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Can you call the guy? Atleast block her until she is sane


----------



## Wolfgar (Nov 15, 2011)

warlock07 said:


> Can you call the guy? Atleast block her until she is sane


Yep, she's clouded by anger. She's going to do something she'll regret


----------



## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

Seangar said:


> Yep, she's clouded by anger. She's going to do something she'll regret


Yes. I felt the same. I wish I could talk to her and tell her it solves nothing and just causes more pain.


----------



## WhatIDeserveButNotHer (Dec 16, 2011)

She's gone. She said it very clear.

She wants a divorce. I'm an *******. 

I was an ******* before. I'm an ******* now. and I'm an ******* for asking her anything about her plans this weekend.

The thing is, its true. I am. I'm desperately clinging to her, and act out defensively and verbally abusively when anything threatens that...driving her further away. 

I am such a broken man.


----------



## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

WhatIDeserveButNotHer said:


> If I hadn't lost her before, I have now.


You did all you could do.
You did the only right thing.

That final text mentioned above is a good idea.
Tell her you're sorry, tell her you still want her, then tell her you wish her a happy life, that you're moving out since she left.
Then don't be there when she gets back.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Wolfgar (Nov 15, 2011)

You have to understand she's not herself right now. It's not possible for her to make a clear rational decision while dealing with so much anger, pain, and resentment towards you. People in this state of mind are in the ideal situation to make mistakes they will later regret. She loves you, you hurt her as much as any person ever could, she's angry...say your peace, tell her how you feel, than give her the space she needs and pray she doesn't make the same mistake you did.


----------



## calif_hope (Feb 25, 2011)

I believe this is more of an exit affair than a revenge affair...you handed her an excuse to exit the marriage - however by having her own affiar she is losing the moral high ground....incase I am wrong....




Seangar said:


> I'd send her a txt...Tell her you can never take back what you've done, but you're truly sorry. Tell her you love her and all you want is for her to be happy...that you dont want to stand in the way of that happiness. Tell her you'll move out..then wish her the best and a good weekend.
> 
> Right now she thinks she's got a free pass to do whatever she wants and you'll still be there, you have to let her know thats not the case. What you did is horrible, but it doesn't make what she's doing any better.


I would text her this, I would add that you will see an attorney ASAP to initiate the seperation leading to divorce....I would not add the suggested "have a good weekend"

I would add that you pray that the seperation and divorce process can go easier now that she has/will act on her revenge (i believe exit affair).....and oneday you hope that oneday she can forgive you.


----------



## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

get out now. Go be around people. You shouldn't be there alone.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Use the weekend to separate your money and to pack her stuff.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> Use the weekend to separate your money and to pack her stuff.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He cannot kick her out of her own home. She has as much right to live there as he does.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> He cannot kick her out of her own home. She has as much right to live there as he does.


She can still come home to find it packed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## WhatIDeserveButNotHer (Dec 16, 2011)

I still love her. I want to try. 

BS's - even in blinding anger, did you still feel you could like them again, or was it pure revulsion to think of being with them? 

Revenge or not, she wants intimacy and can't stand me and doesn't think she ever will...and started planning to find that with others.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> She can still come home to find it packed.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So what, she can then unpack it. He'd be wasting his time to pack it.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

WhatIDeserveButNotHer said:


> I still love her. I want to try.
> 
> BS's - even in blinding anger, did you still feel you could like them again, or was it pure revulsion to think of being with them?
> 
> Revenge or not, she wants intimacy and can't stand me and doesn't think she ever will...and started planning to find that with others.


each BS reacts in their own way.

I can remember thinking of revenge affairs... never did it though. It was just a revenge fantasy.

Revenge affairs are very common. You opened the flood gates.. this is the result.

There is a good chance that she will return contrite.. that now she will be equal to you in her eyes so then she can stay with you. It's crazy thinking but it goes on all the time.

OR your marriage is over, way over. You won't find out. 

I recall my husband telling me, after his affairs, that he would leave me if I cheated on him. That it would be beyond cruel. I found that to be beyond laughable. Let's see.. he did it and I was supposed to find a way to live with it. But if I did it that would not be unforgivable? Sounds self serving to me. Just being blunt.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Packing a waywards things is more of a statement, in that the loyal will not tolorate the behavior and is confident in moving on with out the wayward if the wayward wished to continue.
But in this case, it would be curious to see what your wife achieved and what was solved in her revenge with this very problematic and unhealthy marriage.

I would start up a dialog when she returns or when she solbers up. It would be interesting to see if she has the same emptiness that you feel. It would interesting to talk to her and see what direction the relationship goes now that she has even the score.

This could be a defining moment in getting the both of you the help you both need in repairing this "open marriage" into somthing thing both of you could be proud of.


----------



## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

I understand that you love her... but this is getting way too toxic. Not only is she (more than likely) going to have a revenge affair, she is soaking in the fact that you know it's happening now, and it doesn't even seem to phase her. That is a level of cruelty that can't go unnoticed. I mean, she should have left the marriage rather than having you hanging on a string.

I think that too much damage is happening here. Plus, women that get into affairs end up getting way too emotionally involved.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

In all right she should have left the marriage when you had your affiar instead she stuck around to have revenge. Two wrongs don't make a right and your chick is.......well IDK nuts?

I'm thinking the both of you were seeing OP at the same time you just got caught sooner. I'm just guessing but the possiblity is there.

crossbar has a good point, something tells me that this isn't a one time deal and your WW most likely will get involved.


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Having being the LH in my marriage, I can relate to her desire to make you feel the pain she felt. But I must agree with the others that it may be best to simply end the marriage and let her heal by herself.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Look, there is wanting to make you feel the pain - in the head of anger AND there is a planned campaign of inflicting hurt.

My advice to any one who is around any person who is willing to plan out hurting you is to leave. The other person has now become an threat and an abuser and there no longer any hope of R.


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Leaving and filing for divorce MAY have the side effect of snapping her back to reality and allow her to choose a healthier way to deal with her anger and bitterness.


----------



## kenmoore14217 (Apr 8, 2010)

you know it, we know it and she knows it: TIME TO ABORT THE MARRIAGE


----------



## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

sigma1299 said:


> I hope I can do this and avoid a thread jack - I have to ask why do you never recommend staying married to a cheater?


Have you not been reading? All the drama, the suspicion, the mistrust, the feeling of the need for revenge cheating, etc. Why bother? Why settle for a sh** life?

This is the kind of emotional crap that torments people that cheating brings about.


----------



## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

Seangar said:


> Yep, she's clouded by anger. She's going to do something she'll regret


She already has, getting married to a cheater.


----------



## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> Use the weekend to separate your money and to pack her stuff.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Why? He cheated first. Not saying if she does in revenge its ok, because its not.

But why should she be the one to move out? Why not hiim?


----------



## tangerine (Dec 17, 2011)

Look people. Here is the jest of it. People expect when they get married that their partner will fulfill all of their happiness.....and when they don't they get dismayed and resentful. Happiness and confidence comes from within and this is where we are able to set healthy boundaries. We also have to be selfless, strong of character and forgiving.....unconditional love, so when our loved ones make a mistake....we see the bigger picture. People divorce because they give up too quickly....or they have very little forgiveness and would rather think about their own hurt, then their partner's hurt. Your wife has a lot of anger at the moment. Some people are able to block images of the affair and other people just cannot....it consumes them. Suggest counselling for you and your wife and help her to sort through all of her feelings first before she decides to go and have an affair. And, you have to be honest with her about the affair and find insight as to why you did cheat on your wife. You have to be totally transparent and building trust is going to have to reside with you and you will have to make a huge effort to make sure you never hide things again. I think you both need to seek counselling because having an affair is sometimes a symptom of deeper marital problems, sometimes it is a symptom of childhood problems not resolved or trauma....or sometimes some people just cannot help themselves and it is more of a temptation thing and some people don't really think having an affair is a bad thing which could put you at a moral crossroads with your partner. Anyway, you need to sit down with your wife if you want to keep her and tell her you would like to seek counselling with her and that you are committed to the marriage. You will have to remain accountable and you cannot throw blame back on her. You made a choice. There were other choices and options you could have chosen before starting an affair. Yes, maybe you do have marriage problems, but wouldn't it be lovely if we all resolved conflict by running away, having an affair or killing someone. No....we cannot undo what we have done, but we can right the wrong and make a committment. Usually couples have built some resentment between eachother and men usually want to be right....where as women just want to be heard. Let your wife get her frustration off of her chest, let her ask the questions she needs....with you remaining calm not to lash back at her because an affair causes the same level of trauma as witnessing a death or being in a major car accident so you need to empathize with her....and after she has gotten it off her chest....make an action plan with her as to what you are both going to do to resolve this first before she decides to seek revenge. Revenge is never a healthy way of expressing anger...it does more damage. She needs help in getting her anger off of her chest....she will feel much better.....and you, my friend must really prove to your wife that you are committed to her and in the future, no matter what it takes....you must be resolved to keeping yourself in check. I don't believe the whole biological thing that men need to spread their seed and cannot help it. That is like saying people who overeat cannot help it. Except with medical conditions where weight gain cannot be helped...or people who are naturally large....overeating has a psychological reason behind it and you must discover it. People are precious and they cannot be replaced. The grass may look greener for a time, but that phase wears off quickly and second marriages fal at a rate of about 60%. So, if your wife is precious....treat her as such....and count your blessings you have someone to spend the rest of your life with because we will all age and pass away and some sooner than others....tragedy can happen at any second and then you never got a chance to right the wrong, say you are sorry or tell that person you loved them. Do whatever you can to change yourself first....change happens when we look deep within ourselves and we have to stop giving excuses for our own destructive behaviours. I wish you all the best and your wife peace of mind......


----------



## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

His wife is a time bomb. I mean, before she left for the weekend, she stated to him that they are over and she wants a divorce. Isn't the timing ironic? Because, he discovered that she was going to cheat on him. Now, rather than her weekend being about taking time and space for herself turned into I want a divorce, thus giving herself permission to cheat because she's already informed him of her intention. 

And he's no prince either. He did cheat and he admitted to it. 

I still say that this relationship is way too toxic.


----------



## tangerine (Dec 17, 2011)

Do you see everyone's reaction to your affair? Someone has even suggested to divorce your wife so she will snap out of her revenge phase? It takes years to recover from an affair....so if she feels angry and revengeful....I assure you that is a normal feeling and reaction to such extreme stress. If you divorce your wife to snap her out of it....you are going to add insult to injury because obviously she is trying to stay with you....but just does not know how to deal with her anger. Have patience. Don't use your own emotions to deal with this. And, if she has an affair....still remain patient. We were given marriage as a blessing and sin is what destroys, but for those who love and forgive.....it will cover a multitude of sin. We don't give up on people just because they hurt us. If you see the pain the person is in....then you can come to a place of understanding and compassion. That does not mean we allow people to walk all over us....it means we take our own selfish feelings and motives out of it and we look above and beyond what is happening to see the truth of the situation. I don't know what caused you to cheat. I don't know why she seeks such revenge....has it been a common theme in your marriage. The only thing you can do is make an action plan and a committment....and if the other partner is unwilling change yourself first....because with that change and new awareness and that gentle and never ending love you will be able to foster towards her even when she is angry....will change her. And, maybe even that will not be enough, but we have to live and learn and move on and not repeat past mistakes. Don't give up on people. Do all that you can....and when you have done all that you can.....when you have turned over every stone and sought all avenues of help and advice and made changes in your own life...then it will NOT BE the case that you gave up on her, but the case that her heart was so hardened that she just wouldn't turn back to you....and that will be a sad day indeed and I assure you....if you give that much love....most people will return. But....don't do things and go out of your way just to kiss butt.....it has to be genuine change in yourself.....to see what you did and why and to want to heal things....and if she has a hand in the marriage problems....hopefully she will come to see that as well.


----------



## tangerine (Dec 17, 2011)

Crossbar.....you can untoxify a relationship. Water under the bridge does not have to stay that way. I would feel like a time bomb too if my husband cheated on me quite frankly....and I would feel that revenge in my heart as well. Your mate decided to cheat....there are consequences and repercussions to what he did and unfortunately....his wife is not coping well with her anger, but I still don't see this as the end even if she does cheat. Once she has cheated...she will soon discover that it didn't sooth the anger she is feeling and she will either break down and want to change things....or she will be consumed with anger and become destructive or she will divorce out of anger. I think your cheating friend needs to sit down and have a heart to heart talk with his wife. This isn't about going tit-for-tat. This is about making true changes and if both partners are being destructive....a non-biased third party like a counsellor who is an expert on infidelity should be involved because there seems to be much bigger issues here. Well intentioned family and friends....need to stay out of it because while we want to help...we cannot make decisions or insights for this couple as we could end up breaking apart that which can be fixed. Emotions are running high at the moment and there needs to be a cooling off period. Your friend could write his wife a letter and tell her that he loves her with all his heart. That he wants to fix things and take responsibility and that he wishes to seek marriage counselling with her if necessary. He needs to state that while he is understanding of her need for time away to sort through things....he really does not think her having an affair will bring closure to this mess that he made, but an action plan will.....and if she does decide to cheat....he will still be here for her at the end waiting patiently and still wanting to fix the marriage. That is what he should say....and that is what will put her heart in a less revengeful mode. If she still decides to cheat....then she is now going to have to take responsibility for her anger and both have to make a committment to resolve things the right way....no force....just 2 people wanting to make things work. Both people have to get over themselves and work for the more important good of the marriage. This isn't one person...this is a marriage and when your partner has to lose....the marriage dies.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

tangerine said:


> Crossbar.....you can untoxify a relationship. Water under the bridge does not have to stay that way. I would feel like a time bomb too if my husband cheated on me quite frankly....and I would feel that revenge in my heart as well. Your mate decided to cheat....there are consequences and repercussions to what he did and unfortunately....his wife is not coping well with her anger, but I still don't see this as the end even if she does cheat. Once she has cheated...she will soon discover that it didn't sooth the anger she is feeling and she will either break down and want to change things....or she will be consumed with anger and become destructive or she will divorce out of anger. I think your cheating friend needs to sit down and have a heart to heart talk with his wife. This isn't about going tit-for-tat. This is about making true changes and if both partners are being destructive....a non-biased third party like a counsellor who is an expert on infidelity should be involved because there seems to be much bigger issues here. Well intentioned family and friends....need to stay out of it because while we want to help...we cannot make decisions or insights for this couple as we could end up breaking apart that which can be fixed. Emotions are running high at the moment and there needs to be a cooling off period. Your friend could write his wife a letter and tell her that he loves her with all his heart. That he wants to fix things and take responsibility and that he wishes to seek marriage counselling with her if necessary. He needs to state that while he is understanding of her need for time away to sort through things....he really does not think her having an affair will bring closure to this mess that he made, but an action plan will.....and if she does decide to cheat....he will still be here for her at the end waiting patiently and still wanting to fix the marriage. That is what he should say....and that is what will put her heart in a less revengeful mode. If she still decides to cheat....then she is now going to have to take responsibility for her anger and both have to make a committment to resolve things the right way....no force....just 2 people wanting to make things work. Both people have to get over themselves and work for the more important good of the marriage. This isn't one person...this is a marriage and when your partner has to lose....the marriage dies.


Did you see the post where she has already gone to meet the other man?


----------



## tangerine (Dec 17, 2011)

And let us not forget....this chaos was created from cheating. Cheating causes Post Traumatic Stress in some people....and so with all due respect.....your friend will just have to make changes in himself while is wife is hurting and feeling revengeful. He cannot get angry and put a stop to what she is going through. The damage has been done. I can say this with confidence because I cheated on my husband. My circumstances were a bit different because I didn't have sex, but I crossed the line and kissed my male friend and then ended it very swiftly because I actually wasn't looking for an affair....just someone to confide some pretty heavy stuff too, but to my husband....still is cheating and I agree. I could have chosen other options and while my husband has his own dysfunctions....change starts with me. And, I decided that even if my husband didn't treat me right....why am I devaluing myself by doing these things. So....look everyone can change.....but you have to have the heart and the desire and the maturity to let your wife run herself through. Work on yourself in the meantime and look deep why you did what you did....


----------



## tangerine (Dec 17, 2011)

Crossbar. I am a woman and not all women get emotionally involved....that is bull. Women get emotionally involved when they have already been seeking someone so they can get out of a marriage. And, if she is meeting a man that she knows....you have to wonder whether she has already cheated herself in the marriage. Anyway.....Crossbar....you are not the wife and I don't think her seeking revenge has to do with the fact that she doesn't care or she is cold. Most likely she is really hurting and she is just making a bad decision out of anger. If she truly wanted a divorce, she would have divorced and so in her mind she feels that this will even the score. Anyway....this is my last post, but all you have to remember is that change resides in ourselves. The cheating friend has to make his own decisions and has to work on himself.....even if his wife is cheating. You don't have to wait and make sure your wife is in a good place....you can start the ball rolling now by making your own changes. Seek counselling even if your wife won't and eventually.....if you really love your wife....and she is worth it you feel....then seek your own guidance and help and eventually if it is meant to be....then eventually your wife will turn back towards you again. You cannot let what she is doing anger and consume you. Get yourself on track and I always look at it from a God perspective....God does not punish because he sees why we do things. We suffer from the natural consequences of the wrong we do. God sees our heart and because he sees our heart there is a compassion and a love there to know that your wife will come to suffer the natural consequences of her own actions. You don't need to punish her....she will suffer from her choices and you also have to see from a God perspective that she is hurting and possibly had you never cheated, she would have never as well. But let's face facts...I can see the dysfunction in both of you and both of you could use some wise counsel, but she is not going to see that now in extreme anger....so you start the ball rolling and hopefully she will come to see the error of her ways and follow suit. Don't get wrapped up in what she is doing.....break yourself down and see what you did....and then you can grieve for and with her.


----------



## tangerine (Dec 17, 2011)

Divorce should always be the last option. You can both heal and still stay married. Do all that you can and then you will feel much better down the track if you do finally have to say goodbye. Divorce carries great consequences emotionally and it solves nothing because you will carry the same problems and emotions into the next relationship. That is a 100% guarantee. And, second marriages fail even more quickly because of that factor. Really....I am being your advocate....don't leave your marriage until all options and resources have been exhausted. Strengthen your heart and soul...and gain a new perspective. I have been married twice. First husband, I really tried to help him, but he broke my nose and my ribs and tried to kill me.....I had to leave the marriage...and escape from another country with my then small baby. I entered a second marriage and that dysfunction came with me...and my past and my childhood. This marriage was verbally and mentally abusive and I could have divorced...everyone was telling me I should, but I worked out my own issues first....I healed....and I acquired patience...and slowly he began to change too and slowly he began to show remorse. I had to leave the first marriage...it was too violent and he didn't want help, but the second marriage was damaging as well, but I was adding to my marriage problems with my own issues...and we both seemed to go at one another, but when we gather wisdom, strength of character....a different perspective...unconditional love....and acceptance...we can move mountains. Good Luck.....is not necessary.....pave the road to success.....see your marriage healed....have total faith in it and love your wife to such a degreee that there is no way she could hold onto the anger against you. 30 years later as you sit together in old age on a porch somewhere...holding hands....you will cry in eachother arms for the pain you caused one another and cry in happiness as well for the second chance you both got. Don't live by the ways of this world...live by a different understanding and you will overcome huge things.....there is no limit to a dream and all dreams become reality with action. Take Care.


----------



## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

tangerine said:


> Crossbar. I am a woman and not all women get emotionally involved....that is bull. Women get emotionally involved when they have already been seeking someone so they can get out of a marriage. And, if she is meeting a man that she knows....you have to wonder whether she has already cheated herself in the marriage. Anyway.....Crossbar....you are not the wife and I don't think her seeking revenge has to do with the fact that she doesn't care or she is cold. Most likely she is really hurting and she is just making a bad decision out of anger. If she truly wanted a divorce, she would have divorced and so in her mind she feels that this will even the score. Anyway....this is my last post, but all you have to remember is that change resides in ourselves. The cheating friend has to make his own decisions and has to work on himself.....even if his wife is cheating. You don't have to wait and make sure your wife is in a good place....you can start the ball rolling now by making your own changes. Seek counselling even if your wife won't and eventually.....if you really love your wife....and she is worth it you feel....then seek your own guidance and help and eventually if it is meant to be....then eventually your wife will turn back towards you again. You cannot let what she is doing anger and consume you. Get yourself on track and I always look at it from a God perspective....God does not punish because he sees why we do things. We suffer from the natural consequences of the wrong we do. God sees our heart and because he sees our heart there is a compassion and a love there to know that your wife will come to suffer the natural consequences of her own actions. You don't need to punish her....she will suffer from her choices and you also have to see from a God perspective that she is hurting and possibly had you never cheated, she would have never as well. But let's face facts...I can see the dysfunction in both of you and both of you could use some wise counsel, but she is not going to see that now in extreme anger....so you start the ball rolling and hopefully she will come to see the error of her ways and follow suit. Don't get wrapped up in what she is doing.....break yourself down and see what you did....and then you can grieve for and with her.


Okay, how did this become a smear campaign against me? Okay, I should have written that MOST (not all) women that enter into affairs TEND to get emotionally involved. If she is cheating, and if she is getting a revenge affair. She's doing it in a most cruel way. PLUS, read the OP post where he stated that she had plans to cheat on him before he cheated on her. He just beat her to it. Believe it or not, I am pro marriage. However, sometimes you have to recongize when things have been damaged beyond repair. He will have to learn to live with the guilt of cheating on his wife. Also, I believe that he can forgive her as a person for what happened this weekend, but he doesn't have to forgive her as a wife.


----------



## WhatIDeserveButNotHer (Dec 16, 2011)

I have come to the conclusion that 

A. I am verbally abusive. As soon as a situation starts getting out of control, I twist and try to blame her for the problems...not trying hard enough, not doing enough before, and over and over.

B. It's all me. I'm the toxic in this relationship. Whatever faults she has, she does not deserve to have me battering her with words, insults and more.

The words she used to say how I treated her are daggers in my heart. They will stay with me forever, and I cry now realizing just how awful I was to her to have her say those things.

I started looking at Patricia Evans books on verbal abuse, and the patterns and her reactions fit in perfectly. 

I am abusive. 

and now I've driven away the woman I loved/abused...away from any affection or love for me. 

She couldn't tell me her plans...I would have attacked with words. She couldn't tell me she didn't want to be around me ever...I would have attacked. 

My presence meant danger, and fear, and she needed safety.

Even if she could come back to me, I would be toxic to her recovery and a life worth living.


----------



## tangerine (Dec 17, 2011)

That took a fair amount to admit that and to be fair....I can also see your wife has her own issues. Revenge is not a healthy response to dealing with this large hurt. Functional people will try and self sooth in functional ways. But, you have started the healing process just by admitting your own hand in it, but admitting it doesn't prove you will change because some people admit they are abusive, but have no plans on changing it...it is a lure to get their loved one hooked back in and so if you are really wanting to change, then you have to tell your wife that....tell her the action plan and committment you will make and then set about doing what you can including counselling to bring about change. When her anger has subsided....then maybe she will join you in counselling and rediscovering one another. Don't get wound up in the anxiety and heat of this moment. Take it one step at a time eventhough you may just want everything fixed in 1 second....it won't change by force. In order to effect real change...it has to be one step at a time....and that also means being up front with counsellors and not trying to lie and weazel in false stories or trying to blame someone else. Just true genuine admittance and transparency about yourself will bring about real change. And, please be careful if you do seek a counsellor or marriage psychologist because you need to find one who believes in keeping a marriage together. So many counsellors will bail out or convince you to leave if the problem seems too big....so don't go with one who encourages you to run. If you cannot afford counselling, then just like going to school....educate yourself with good resources. Learn....get yourself into a non demoninational church if you have to and listen to the messages every Sunday even if you don't believe in God because they teach you about personal change as well. Look for free marriage courses through the church and other places and if you are going to self help yourself....dig real hard into your past relationships and childhood to see where your abusive nature is coming from. Forgive yourself and let go of the guilt....because that will get you stuck....let the guilt turn to an changing energy to heal you and your partner. You are also deserving of self respect and respect from others. Change what you can and build your confidence up in a kind and gentle way. Become the strong one in your marriage....and strong does not mean stubborn....it means someone who can guide their marriage in the right direction and take control over your own life and emotions. This can turn around, but only through committment and hard work. Don't make promises unless you are going to keep them and understand that the cycle of abuse stops with you....and it has to end today no matter what. Do not allow yourself excuses. Now we will all have slip ups....but that shouldn't get you down. The big no-nos that you should never cross no matter how angry you are is violence in any form, throwing things, threats and verbally attacking someone via screaming and intimidation. This is grounds for divorce or your spouse removing themselves until you are willing to get a handle on yourself. Now I used to hit and lash out in my marriage, but my husband is a malignant narcissist and over time I started to mirror his abuse and started acting out in ways not core to my real character, BUT the cycle of abuse still had to end with me and I had to get a handle on myself and make a committment to end what I was doing full stop. So, make a list of what you can do today....and those things you have no control over at the moment like your wife's anger....leave that for another time and choose not to let it get to you...and wait until a time you can change it. This will be hard because old habits are hard to break.....but at this point you have no choice because if you harass her, stalk her and start intimidating her to gain control back....you will end up in a criminal or legal situation. Start the work now...life is short....we don't always get second or third chances....and this is really not about your marriage. It is about you....your life and the dysfunction that may have always been there. You cannot move onto another relationship even until you have healed the conflict within yourself first so that you can bring your best self to any relationship. If you tell me your location....area....I can help you find appropriate resources...and whether you are in a financial position to be able to seek guidance and help. I have zero ulterior motives. I believe in Jesus, but not organized religion so I have no motive to convert you to my beliefs. My only motive is that there are so many people walking around in a fog....not awakening to this life and themselves and there is great pain and suffering. To heal one soul means that another heart is free to heal another heart....and so the catalyst of change begins.


----------



## calif_hope (Feb 25, 2011)

Ok, know you know the problem, get to work and fix yourself. It is likely that it is too late to heal things for your life but you can deal with the details of separating your lives in a more "human"....when you start working on yourself don't expect positive reenforcement, comments and observations from those you have abused.....they can't trust the developing you.

You have to do this for you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## tangerine (Dec 17, 2011)

Calif hope....I agree with your statement. Change is about ourselves and really being at the end of ourselves and knowing that we have to change unless we want to be stuck for the rest of our lives. This gentleman may not be able to get his wife back, but at least he will have healed himself, come to a greater understanding in life and if he gets into a new relationship in the future, he will have the tools and the mind frame to be a great husband. Some people only pretend to want to change because they want their partner back so desperately, but this isn't really change and you still have to go on alone and do it for you....and I liken this to someone losing a child. That person can never ever get back their child....and yet somehow in life they must live with that scar...and still find the strength to move on and still love, still flourish and still be able to find joy and see the beauty in life.


----------



## calif_hope (Feb 25, 2011)

Ok, know you know the problem, get to work and fix yourself. It is likely that it is too late to heal things for your life but you can deal with the details of separating your lives in a more "human"....when you start working on yourself don't expect positive reenforcement, comments and observations from those you have abused.....they can't trust the developing you.

You have to do this for you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## tangerine (Dec 17, 2011)

Crossbar...not bashing you at all. Just saying I know from experience nothing is beyond repair. She had plans to do this beforehand and he beat her to it. Listen to those words....both of them are immature and dysfunctional on their own and so divorcing and finding partners again to repeat the dysfunction again with is a bad idea. Now...if you divorce and remain single until you have worked out your own personal issues....that is a good action plan as well. But we cannot tell this couple what they should do because they could have a very strong connection and still really love one another despite their issues. In this case, if both parties can step up to the plate and work out their issues...this would be ideal. Usually, however, one person has to start the ball rolling because this is not about pointing fingers.....it is about recognizing your own hand in it...so start the change process. Anyway....if there is real committment....then these things can be worked through. Life will be a struggle one way or another and there are no perfect marriages.....but people can learn to be more functional in them so when conflict arises....it can be worked through properly. Anyway, this couple needs to sit down and make a plan as to what they are going to do. If they wish to divorce....then this man who has admitted his abusive ways should still seek help and if they decide to stay together....then hopefully 10 years down the track....they have a story that will help others pull through their dark times. This life is not our own and we should NEVER rely on our own understanding......


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

tangerine 


Your posts are long. They have good advice... but they are soooo hard to read. Could you please add paragraphs so that a person can read more easily? I find myself skipping over them because it's hard to focus of a page on run-on text.


----------



## tangerine (Dec 17, 2011)

Telling her that you feel you must end it will be even worse because she has decided to stay married to you despite your cheating and now you are going to give her kind words and a kind ultimatum mingled in there to tell her if she does this, you will divorce her? That is not really a good plan. You can try and reason with her, but basically at this time it is about you telling her how you want the marriage saved and how you are going to do every bit of the work and how you want her to forgive you and how her cheating on you back is in fact going to really hurt you too and you know in a way she has the right to now, but that you don't want her losing her pride and dignity over something you have done. If you are really struggling, then if you have a good family or she has a good family....take her there and admit your transgressions in front of them and get down on your knee and tell her you will do whatever it takes to turn this around. But, don't threaten divorce. If you wished to be forgiven....what an insult for her not to be forgiven. Now I am not saying what she is doing is right....because it is not. All I am saying is that under the circumstances...some people react intensely. So, all I am saying is that do what you can to try and make a serious action plan to put your marriage back....and once you have tried done all you can...if she is still at that point going to continue to cheat and be destructive...then at least you have worked on yourself and given the marriage it's best shot and you can part in peace.


----------



## tangerine (Dec 17, 2011)

Geez!!! You people and your advice!!! Look back carefully into your marriage. How long have you been married for? What have the issues of the marriage been since day 1? Is your wife basically and kind and faithful person or has she had issues in the marriage of her own. If right now she is acting different from her core character....chances are she is just really bloody hurt at the moment and she could be bluffing and she could be telling the truth, but at this point.....adding fire to fire is going to make a bigger fire. I cheated on my husband....and although I would be sickened if he cheated as well. I would kind of understand it, but let's be frank. If my husband didn't want a divorce and he starts an affair for revenge.....we cannot go to counselling or resolve the marriage until he also stops the affair and at some point a natural ultimatum would be: Look darling....I know I have had made some big mistakes in this marriage and I am even willing to forgive you for getting revenge on me, but we cannot move forward until we both make a committment to work things out. I know the trust is going to be hard to rebuild. I know you are taking a big risk in trusting me again, but I will not ever do this again to you and will seek help for what made me do this to you so I have understanding and learn to change things in me that are abusive. Please let's give this a second chance to work. Or whatever you need to say there.


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

No offense, but didn't you state in your 4th post that it was going to be your last?


----------



## tangerine (Dec 17, 2011)

Lol....so I did. My biggest fault is I talk too much. )


----------



## tangerine (Dec 17, 2011)

Sorry Elegirl. 

I am so busy, yet have so much to say that I just type in a fury without condensing what I need to say or separating my thoughts into paragraphs.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

tangerine said:


> Sorry Elegirl.
> 
> I am so busy, yet have so much to say that I just type in a fury without condensing what I need to say or separating my thoughts into paragraphs.


I know how that goes.. just want to be able to read what you write...


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

tangerine said:


> Lol....so I did. My biggest fault is I talk too much. )


Just messin' with ya. No worries you've got some good stuff there to offer him.


----------



## calif_hope (Feb 25, 2011)

Ref: Tangarine 

Yes, talk too much, sketchy grammar, run-on and on and on sentences. Gave up reading your posts.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## tangerine (Dec 17, 2011)

In a nutshell, here it is.....

My advice is to not threaten divorce and give ultimatums. Why? This will only add insult to injury and convince your wife that she should be giving you the divorce instead. This will lead to hostilities, a stalemate and no chance of reconciliation.

Being cheated on is a very traumatic experience and if you read the newspapers people commit murder in a blinded rage over this kind of stuff. So, give your wife time to calm down. If you are adding more insult through verbal abuse, stop before you lose her for good. 

I do not feel what your wife is doing is healthy or the right choice. I believe she should try and get away from you and this situation for awhile and should find some way to self-sooth herself until she can come back and be rational and willing to talk some of this pain out. You need to back off and give her time and space as well to sort through this mess in her own mind. Writing a letter to her, telling her how you feel and what you would like to commit to is a good plan and then let her sit with it....without you pressuring her.
In the meantime, don't wait for her answer or for her to come around to work on yourself. Deal with your issues and learn about yourself. Give up old habits and if you are abusive in anyway, learn about abuse and the cycle and commit to putting an end to the cycle immediately. This may be done through self-help books, a pastor, counsellor or psychologist. Seek wise counsel immediately.

And, no matter how well-intentioned your friends and family are. Only you know what is right for you and what you want. If you really love this woman and see yourself spending the rest of your life with her, do what you need to in order to make things right. And, if all else fails and she still seeks a divorce, then all you can do is to continue to work on yourself and become the best person you can be. Couples do make it through infidelity, but threre has to be a real committment there on both sides to see it through.

Best of Luck!


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

tangerine said:


> In a nutshell, here it is.....
> 
> My advice is to not threaten divorce and give ultimatums. Why? This will only add insult to injury and convince your wife that she should be giving you the divorce instead. This will lead to hostilities, a stalemate and no chance of reconciliation.
> 
> ...


:iagree:


----------



## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

WhatIDeserveButNotHer said:


> Even if she could come back to me, I would be toxic to her recovery and a life worth living.


No you won't...because of that statement right there. You recongized what you did wrong! Were you the best husband? Hell no! But, at least you can see that. And that's a foundation to work from. 

Look, I don't know if things will work out between the two of you. I think there's a lot of damage. However, if you can see where you've gone wrong in your relationship, then you've learned something. And that something is to never repeat it again, whether it be with your wife...or future relationships.


----------



## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

tangerine said:


> In a nutshell, here it is.....
> 
> My advice is to not threaten divorce and give ultimatums. Why? This will only add insult to injury and convince your wife that she should be giving you the divorce instead. This will lead to hostilities, a stalemate and no chance of reconciliation.
> 
> ...


You don't talk to much, you type to much. Can you cut it down to say, 1 word in 4?


----------



## tangerine (Dec 17, 2011)

Must be a man asking me to condense further. Entire jest of paragraphs is that you made your own bed....now you have to suffer the consequences.

Want to right the wrong...do the work and stop making this about what your wife is doing. You decided she wasn't worth losing when you screwed some other chick and so now you have the hard road to prove yourself and build trust.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

tangerine said:


> Must be a man asking me to condense further. Entire jest of paragraphs is that you made your own bed....now you have to suffer the consequences.
> 
> Want to right the wrong...do the work and stop making this about what your wife is doing. You decided she wasn't worth losing when you screwed some other chick and so now you have the hard road to prove yourself and build trust.


:iagree:

Brief and to the point.. I like your point.


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Jest or gist?


----------



## tangerine (Dec 17, 2011)

Gist! You get the gist of it....was not meant to be in jest or a gest.....god....what else you going to point out-lol :rofl:


----------



## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

marriage advice and an english class all rolled into one.


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

What else? You spoke the All Mighty's name in vain and you did not capitalize the first letter of His name. You motor mouth


----------



## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

Well, the weekend is over...was hoping for an update. I hope you're well!


----------



## ItIsOver (Jun 17, 2013)

Your wife has two choices right now....revenge or reconciliation.
They cannot exist in the same plane, so if she chooses revenge, then your marriage is over. She will have done this with the primary goal of hurting you, and do you really want to live with a woman like that ?


----------



## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Zombie thread


----------

