# Stupid body, still craves sex even though I saw an attorney



## jennifer1986 (Feb 4, 2012)

So the nice lawyer told me D would cost around $10000. Sigh. I do not like attorneys. (Sorry, this is nothing personal. I do not like dealing with them since I am a physician. It's like oil and water). 

Probably lots of people would say do it yourself...we will see. My H is like "she just needs to cool off" and thinks this is bluff.

Well, if history tells future, my future does not look too bright with this guy who keeps relapsing to the paternalistic, fault-finding, critical state. I want to spend the rest of my life with this nice (in every other way), successful guy who is a great father. But I do not know how to avoid the hurt. Obviously this means I still have feelings for him. If I do not care at all, then I would not be hurt and the housemates situation would work. 

My body does not listen to me. Actually, it kind of makes sense since I need intimacy and feel lonely so it is wanting the right thing. But a woman (ok, maybe just me) will not sleep with someone that makes her feel like sh*t unless that situation is resolved, and I still have not found the way to do that....


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

*rubs eyes* You're trying to find a way to do what exactly?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Jen,

I would tel him this exactly

"my future does not look too bright with this guy who keeps relapsing to the paternalistic, fault-finding, critical state. I want to spend the rest of my life with this nice (in every other way), successful guy who is a great father. But I do not know how to avoid the hurt"

After that tell him that while you still feel a spark for him, it is close to being extinguished and that if he truly wants to re-kindle it, he'd better act fast. Then present your needs and demands (ie, counseling for both of you and perhaps IC for him to learn how to be less critical


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## jennifer1986 (Feb 4, 2012)

Toffer said:


> Jen,
> 
> I would tel him this exactly


Thanks for the support. I did tell him that. In a not too nice way--threw a cup of ice tea on the floor (not at him). It's just that when an individual is fed up she can become rather emotional. I am a little too practical to throw anything valuable or fragile (the tea was in a plastic cup). :biggrinangelA:

I do not know if he will change. We have gone thru the same cycle too many times. MC too. The counselor saw clearly that we two care for each other, but she did point out my H likes to care for me IN HIS OWN WAY. 

So I talked to one of my friends, who is slightly older (early 50's), and she's like, _big deal, my H is a jerk, and we are just living as roommates. Perhaps we will divorce when the kid turns 18 in 2 yrs. Perhaps not. But it doesn't bug me. We don't sleep together. I just go in my room and close the door. _ 

Well....I cannot do that. I want to sleep with my H in the same bed (at least most of the time. Sometimes the kid gets in the way). I still want to make good love to H. Many people I know in unhappy relationships just shut down and live their own lives. They do not have affairs--seems like the sex/love dept just closes permanently. 

How do they do that? Or I am just too weak.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

jennifer1986 said:


> How do they do that? Or I am just too weak.


Perhaps. But maybe not in the way that you think.

It isn't weak to want intimacy with what is supposed to be your lifelong, committed partner.

It is weak to throw a tantrum when you don't get your way or to sweep things under the rug or into the future without confronting the real, hard issues.

Being calm, cool, collected - that should be your mantra. Let him see the strong, awesome woman that you are that could end up getting away if he doesn't learn to meet you in the middle and work to learn to love you in ways that you need too.

Best wishes.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Oh, Jen.

Take the smarts and the persistence and the sheerbloodymindedness that it took to get thru med school and apply it to this situation.

I think you should separate NOW. If it's meant to be, it's meant to be and you guys will resolve your concerns, but right now it seems that you are the only one working at it.

And go get laid


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## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

Try though I might, I fear I cannot explain what I'm thinking very well. So, let me know if it makes one bit of sense to you LOL.

A lot of women continue sleeping with their husband who makes them feel like sh*t. Consider the very many physically, mentally, emotionally, sexually, and/or verbally abusive relationships where the woman never leaves, or it takes her 5 years to leave, or 10, or 20. I just read a thread yesterday about a severely abusive marriage that has gone on for 23 years. I've read a couple that were 30 years old. I don't assume they are all sexless marriages. Even though a lot of women become disgusted and repulsed by their abusive or unkind or hurtful husband, there are likely many more who do not. While I don't understand why women put up with it, I do understand them loving their husband.....and wanting to be loved by him because, to them, his love (or rather his loving-making) validates her worth to him. 

Wanting to be loved by him I think is the main thing. Sex/love making is something so deep for women that they still crave and enjoy that kind of validation from him. When he says and does things that hurt you, it feels great to receive the opposite message. In other words, the hurt and pain he inflicts actually causes you to want him more because the deep intimacy is validation of something much more affirming. This is such a human phenomenon that it's used in experiments, but geez I couldn't live that yoyo.

I don't think you feel he hurts you intentionally. I think you just wish he would get the message that he does. You wish he would listen to you and stop being so self-righteous. If you felt he was hurting you intentionally (rather than just being a jerk), it would be even more devastating to you that someone you love and who claims to love you intentionally causes you pain. 

(An abused woman allows him to convince her that SHE causes him to abuse her. It's easier to accept that she is somehow at fault because it is too much for her psyche to process there being no reason at all beyond he simply wants to and enjoys it.)

I think the only difference between you and abused women is you have sense enough to leave.


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