# Trying hard to still be ME!



## bookwrmmom (Mar 23, 2014)

Being blinded by betrayal, especially unexpected betrayal changes the person you are. It can make you react in ways that previously you would have never imagined possible. Loosing someone that you have wrapped your world around is mind blowing, confusing, and if you didn't know it was coming makes you feel like you have been hit by a Mack truck.
So here I am 6 weeks later (since the bomb was dropped-but just over a week since confirmation of the OW) trying to get ME back. I know I will be forever changed by this, but I hope that with time it will ALL be for the better. I have learned some valuable life lessons during this journey that I didn't want to take, and they are ones I will never forget. 
I don't know what my future holds or who will be in it. Yes I would love to have my H come through this MLC and realize that he wants to restore his marriage and family. However I know that truly the odds are not good for that to happen. This I do know, I hate the thing that my H did but he will always hold a place in my heart. When I love, I love and that doesn't mean I am ok with ANY of the crap he has pulled.
Honestly I am just putting one foot in front of the other right now, trying to figure this thing out.
Yesterday I new bedding and curtains and a pretty plaque for my bedroom. I have removed visible signs of him from that room and am working on other stuff too. Baby steps...I removed all of his clothes from our closet and put them in another I don't use. See even though he left 6 weeks ago, all but a tiny bit of his stuff is still there.


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## WhiteRaven (Feb 24, 2014)

bookwrmmom said:


> all but a tiny bit of his stuff is still there.


Burn what's left. Nothing like fire to cleanse the taint.


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## beachwater (Mar 10, 2014)

I agree. Burn the stuff. At minimum bag it up and put it out with the garbage.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Did you expose the affair?


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## bookwrmmom (Mar 23, 2014)

Well the husband knew there was someone else but he didn't know anything about him. Now he knows it all!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I meant to your husband's family.


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## bookwrmmom (Mar 23, 2014)

Yes everyone knows and are finding it hard to believe that this is the man they know.


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## beautiful_day (Mar 28, 2013)

Bookworm, I remember that feeling well - of thinking that's it! I'll never be the same again, react the same to things again, will forever be a paranoid, shrewish wreck with a gremlin sat on my shoulder whispering "Don't trust a soul". 

Well, I'm about 5 and a half years out from my first discovery day and a year since I discovered that I was in a false reconciliation - so I took a pretty big knock to my confidence. 

But I want to tell you that the old you does come back. I think I'm a kind of new and improved me. The trauma made me a nicer, less spoiled woman. Even as I tried to save my marriage, my gut told me he wasn't to be trusted, and that forced me back into education. I should be graduating with my bachelor's in June and hopefully begin my master's in September. 

I moved to a fantastic town a few days ago and am so excited to be here. leaving the past behind and beginning a new adventure. I thought everything was lost; it wasn't. 

Churchill said something like, if you are walking through fire keep walking. Keep walking Bookworm ...


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

bookwrmmom said:


> I would love to have my H come through this MLC and realize that he wants to restore his marriage and family. However I know that truly the odds are not good for that to happen.


 The odds are worse than "not good" that you will get your marriage back. You cannot restore what is dead, and the marriage that you had is gone forever. A mid-life crisis is an excuse that does not explain or excuse this kind of betrayal no matter how badly that you want it to. You may be able to get him back, but it will never be the same. There will never be that full trust again. There will never be that purity together that you once had. I am not saying that he may not come back to you or that you will not stay married. I am just saying that the man and the marriage that you remember so fondly is dead, and that if you stay together it will never be like it was.

I am so sorry that you are here. You may have not been perfect, but no one is. You did not deserve this. Although stealing may make someone money, it does not make them right; similarly cheating may make someone appear to be the winner, when in fact they are a loser. You are the good person in this story, do not forget that.


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## pauslon (Nov 27, 2013)

I am sorry you are here. I am now seven months into D day. We are in R. I still do not trust her, and she knows this. Tonight, she is out on a company event, she has sent me everything she can to support me: the company email invite, the itinerary, she has texted me tonight with updates, she left me a love note, etc etc. but I still do not trust her. I am still triggering (she had an affair on a company trip when I was left to take care of our two young children, just like tonight). I exposed everything, she gave me no truth. I will never be the same person, our marriage will never be the same, and I will definitely never look at her the same. 

So you see, even though I think she is doing everything to save this marriage after I exposed her for (I think) every lie and betrayal, we are still different. I will come out stronger as a person, and I hope our marriage survives and it will (must) be even stronger. You too will be stronger after this, you just have to hang on. Best of luck to you.


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## bookwrmmom (Mar 23, 2014)

Yes my husbands family knows, and thinks what he has done is wrong. 
Right now he is trying the bullying tactics to get me to sign the closing papers on the house we are moving into. I will never speak to you again if I lose the $10K I put down.....okay because NONE of this is my fault.


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## love=pain (Nov 26, 2012)

Zombie mode it is so much to process basic living is a struggle yep been right there and I feel for you.

Do something nice just for you hair, nails, new outfit something to bring back the shine if only for a few minutes.

As for the new house just smile and tell him you will get it in the divorce anyway so why not. You may also think about a post nuptial agreement if divorce isn't on the table sort of you bullying him I will sign the mortgage if you sign this agreeing to give up financial etc(whatever you want or is legal in your state) if you ever stray again.


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## bookwrmmom (Mar 23, 2014)

Another thing that sucks is that he is getting affection and comfort from the OW. In the mean time I am a 44 year young woman who is wanting to be held, made love to, and feel cherished. The thing is I value myself too much to just go get that itch scratched and I know it won't take care of my emotional needs.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

It's temporary, bookworm. You'll be free to find someone soon enough.


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

bookwrmmom said:


> Another thing that sucks is that he is getting affection and comfort from the OW. In the mean time I am a 44 year young woman who is wanting to be held, made love to, and feel cherished. The thing is I value myself too much to just go get that itch scratched and I know it won't take care of my emotional needs.


My guess is you're a very attractive 44-year-young woman who would most likely be inundated with interest from men if you chose to go that route. There's no reason you shouldn't have an enjoyable life, and dating could be a part of that life for you. Be warned, though, if a lot of these guys find out you're a betrayed wife who is living without her husband, they're probably going to be interested in more than a date and a dinner. Have fun, but don't give away something precious to someone who's just interested in a roll in the hay. There's no hurry. Stay strong and don't let some horndog talk you into something you'll regret later. Save yourself for someone who really thinks the world of you and who is looking for a special lady for a real relationship before you let someone "scratch that itch."


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## bookwrmmom (Mar 23, 2014)

Thank you Thummper, and you are right. I am not Heidi Klum, but I am by far not someone anyone would try to avoid either. I have so much more value in myself now in my 40's then I do when I was much younger. 
These days you have to catch my mind and my heart in order to get my body. I will say that in the good years, even when I struggled with my weight my husband made me feel wanted and needed. I am realizing in the past few years since I have lost a great deal of weight and become fit and healthy he stopped doing that.
Strange thing is that we both lost a lot of weight, and he went for a "big girl". I am not condemning her for that because I was a big girl for a long time. Now I am a little girl, look great, and feel great he goes for a big girl who wants a tummy tuck and boob lift.
Hate to tell her that unless he takes out a loan he won't have the $ to pay for it.


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## bookwrmmom (Mar 23, 2014)

A big girl and a 14 year younger girl. He is having a hard time facing the fact that he is aging. He is now a grandfather, and doesn't even acknowledge that precious baby. He wants a tummy tuck after losing over 90 pounds, and I guess in her finds a kindred spirit. 
Who knows, I seriously doubt she will truly leave her husband of 16 years for good. She has gone back and forth between the two, having sex with them both. She has a 14 year old kid with her husband, and I think as soon as she realizes that my husband won't have much to offer her she will scurry back home. He cannot afford her right now, and it is all HIS fault.
I now realize that his mid life crisis started about 3 years ago. Started with the F250 he had to have and loved, then a year later he traded it for a F350 (both new). During this time came the nice used Harley, then he traded that for the bright colorful brand new one, then less then a year later the brand new Harley Trike. 
In the fall b4 he met her he insisted on starting the process to buy this new house.
He is in debt up to his armpits, and it is because of HIS stuff not me. However he is blaming me for his not being able to survive. He is trying to hold me hostage emotionally over signing the closing papers on the new home. Yesterday he told me he would NEVER speak to me again if he lost his $10K downpayment.
I told him I KNEW he was trying to talk his OW into moving to our state and live in the house that my name is on.


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## bookwrmmom (Mar 23, 2014)

Yeah that will never happen  keep dreaming big boy.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Do whatever your lawyer tells you to do, sign or not sign.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

40 year old ladies are hot!

Experience. Maturity. And they know what they want.

It's the new 20!


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## Luvmyjava (Feb 9, 2014)

Bookwrmmom....

I am your male mirror image..

A little older, but felt just as you do.

You need to take a step backwards, and begin to ask yourself what is best for YOU. 
Put yourself out there... Not necessarily dating, but start shaking things up.. 

I'm only about 2 months from when I confirmed, and I'll tell you that when I accepted the affair as "nothing I could do about it", and "why would I want to be with someone untrustworthy", I began to heal.

I started "dating" to develop trust and companionship, and friendship. I'll tell you from a man's perspective... There are men out there (like myself), that are looking for companionship. Explore, get to know the new you, and see where life takes you. You never know.

You don't have to settle for someone that doesn't want to be with you... I'm in the same boat... You must fight that urge, and move on.


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## bookwrmmom (Mar 23, 2014)

Thank you Luvmyjava, you make some very great points there. I have signed up for a Match.com profile and am just looking around. 
Alphaomega you are awesome! Thank you!
Turnera unfortunately my lawyer concedes that it may be too late to back out now.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Well, then, you'll just settle for half of the value in the divorce.


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## cool12 (Nov 17, 2013)

how are you doing?


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

bookwrmmom said:


> Being blinded by betrayal, especially unexpected betrayal changes the person you are. It can make you react in ways that previously you would have never imagined possible. Loosing someone that you have wrapped your world around is mind blowing, confusing, and if you didn't know it was coming makes you feel like you have been hit by a Mack truck.
> So here I am 6 weeks later (since the bomb was dropped-but just over a week since confirmation of the OW) trying to get ME back. *I know I will be forever changed by this, but I hope that with time it will ALL be for the better*. I have learned some valuable life lessons during this journey that I didn't want to take, and they are ones I will never forget.
> I don't know what my future holds or who will be in it. Yes I would love to have my H come through this MLC and realize that he wants to restore his marriage and family. However I know that truly the odds are not good for that to happen. This I do know, I hate the thing that my H did but he will always hold a place in my heart. When I love, I love and that doesn't mean I am ok with ANY of the crap he has pulled.
> Honestly I am just putting one foot in front of the other right now, trying to figure this thing out.
> Yesterday I new bedding and curtains and a pretty plaque for my bedroom. I have removed visible signs of him from that room and am working on other stuff too. Baby steps...I removed all of his clothes from our closet and put them in another I don't use. See even though he left 6 weeks ago, all but a tiny bit of his stuff is still there.


OP you will one day be stronger you will remember who you are and restore your faith in yourself

My wife was a perfect angel mother wife and friend/lover

She never changed only got smarter and tougher

I was the POS WS cheating fvck

I am the one that is forever changed never to regain that honor I had before my monumental stupidy.

Always full of guilt and self loathing It took years to forgive myself but I am still amazed with my poor choice.

You will be just fine 

55


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

bookwrmmom said:


> A big girl and a 14 year younger girl. He is having a hard time facing the fact that he is aging. *He is now a grandfather, and doesn't even acknowledge that precious baby. *He wants a tummy tuck after losing over 90 pounds, and I guess in her finds a kindred spirit.
> Who knows, I seriously doubt she will truly leave her husband of 16 years for good. She has gone back and forth between the two, having sex with them both. She has a 14 year old kid with her husband, and I think as soon as she realizes that my husband won't have much to offer her she will scurry back home. He cannot afford her right now, and it is all HIS fault.
> I now realize that his mid life crisis started about 3 years ago. Started with the F250 he had to have and loved, then a year later he traded it for a F350 (both new). During this time came the nice used Harley, then he traded that for the bright colorful brand new one, then less then a year later the brand new Harley Trike.
> In the fall b4 he met her he insisted on starting the process to buy this new house.
> ...


To me, that's one of the saddest things I've read in your posting. I have several grandchildren of my own, and I adore every one of them. What's the old saying: "If I had just known how great grandkids could be, I'd have had them first." 
You sound like a fantastic woman, and he's a idiot for not appreciating what he had at home! Someday, he'll realize that, but may find it too late. You'll have moved on to someone who'll treat you wonderfully. Tsk, tsk. His loss. :wtf:


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

BWM, 

I think I have seen post of yours on other threads, if I am not mistaking...but wondered, does H not at want to return to the marriage? 

You are so right when you speak of the journey you are starting... read moxy, no more nice girl... 

-sammy


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