# Got rejected again and I didnt even want sex this time...



## Choose2love (Jul 28, 2009)

During a comercial, I moved husbands hand down there to show him that I was all "cleaned up" and he stops his hand and asked "what are you doing?" 2 times he asked and wouldnt let me guide his hand. I said I wanted to show him something. His anger shot up within seconds and he got up out of bed got dressed and went outside for a cigarette. Oh well, I knew I shouldnt hold my breath for too long. We had a wonderful weeknd as the sex was up to him. Actually, he got to do evertyhing he wanted to this weekend, while I was in bed with bronchitis. From the arguing and not sleeping last week... I came down with that cold and it went into my lungs.

The stupid part is I didnt even want sex tonight, just wanted to show him so he could look forward to continuing his trend... but now he says dont expect anymore advances. AHhhhhhh...


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

C2L,
How much would it disrupt your life, or your kids lives to end this marriage? 




Choose2love said:


> During a comercial, I moved husbands hand down there to show him that I was all "cleaned up" and he stops his hand and asked "what are you doing?" 2 times he asked and wouldnt let me guide his hand. I said I wanted to show him something. His anger shot up within seconds and he got up out of bed got dressed and went outside for a cigarette. Oh well, I knew I shouldnt hold my breath for too long. We had a wonderful weeknd as the sex was up to him. Actually, he got to do evertyhing he wanted to this weekend, while I was in bed with bronchitis. From the arguing and not sleeping last week... I came down with that cold and it went into my lungs.
> 
> The stupid part is I didnt even want sex tonight, just wanted to show him so he could look forward to continuing his trend... but now he says dont expect anymore advances. AHhhhhhh...


----------



## mrnice (Aug 11, 2009)

Sounds like a control freak to me. If you don't have kids get out of this marriage.


----------



## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

wow thats a pretty intense reaction with the anger- and then leaving and needing a cigarette to calm down. do you have any idea why he got so angry?


----------



## Treadingcarefully (Sep 1, 2009)

Choose2love said:


> During a comercial,


How much trouble would it cause to get the TV out of the bedroom? I wouldn't want one in my bedroom. 




Choose2love said:


> I moved husbands hand down there to show him that I was all "cleaned up" and he stops his hand and asked "what are you doing?" 2 times he asked and wouldnt let me guide his hand.


How long has he been like this? This is seriously not normal behaviour. I can't think of a male friend of mine who wouldn't like that from his wife, the TV would be switched off for sure.
My brother is a bit like this. He dislikes it sometimes when his wife tries to hug him or kiss him when he's in a bad mood.
It's not healthy, and it's probably not about you. He's closed off.
He needs to wake up and smell the coffee. He's feeling bad about something, but whatever it is, his way of dealing with it, is making things worse. 
It's hard to wait, but take the pressure off for a while, and see if you can get to what the problem is, cos it's not about sex as such. It's an emotional problem.


----------



## Mattie J (Sep 1, 2009)

Choose2Love,

I have been following your saga on here for a while and what you are experiencing is more often than not what the men on here are dealing with, a lopsided libido issue. I'm wondering because your husband smokes if that does not somehow affect his sex drive or performance in bed. If he has any sort of performance anxiety he will avoid displaying that at all costs, otherwise I can't imagine any healthy man rejecting your advances. I agree with what others on here have stated, it really doesn't have anything to do with you, there is something emotionally and/or physiologically wrong with him. I for one am old-fashioned and not a strong believer in divorce, so you will never hear me make such a recommendation, but things won't be easy if he's not willing to help himself. I know how frustrating it can be to be relatively young, veril, have a strong desire to be intimate, and be rejected. Periodic candid communication has been the savior for me. The discussions can get heated and there are tears shed, but they are well worth it in the end. My wife and I have never gone to counseling but we have considered it a few times if we weren't able to work out our differences in perception. It's amazing how things can be so wrongly interpreted simply due to our genders! I look forward to hearing and reading how you address these issues with your spouse. I hope he develops as much interest in your relationship as you obviously have...


----------



## Choose2love (Jul 28, 2009)

MEM11363 said:


> C2L,
> How much would it disrupt your life, or your kids lives to end this marriage?


It would be awful for the kids and I risk my ex taking me back to court and saying I am unfit bc I had them in a situation where they developed a relationship with another man whom they love and then ended it. My life, hmmm, would only be disrupted in the size of residence I live in, and realizing that I could never introduce the children to another significant other (if I still have custody at all)... they will be untrusting of that if this were to end, and I wouldnt blame them. In fact, I would be untrusting of other men as well. That being said, I could find one near my childrens school (for the next 2 years their school is in an area that is much more affordable than their main school which is being renovated). I cannot afford to live in their old school district on my own.

I have been weighing pros and cons since I first posted on here about what I could do. He is so much better with verbal words than I am (I am better with written words), that our therapist is not getting a fair perspective of what is going on. I used to think he had a wall up about intimacy, but now I think he says no to control... he will be intimate but only when he wants to. His ex fiance left him for another man about 3 months before their wedding. He thinks its because she was a B**** bc she lied to him (which I have to agree, what she did and how it was done was not the right way to go about it... but I do understand why), but the longer I am with him, the more I think it was the same issue. She was only like 26 years old and what Ive been told by my husband, is that she used to call him emotionless. TO me that speaks volumes about how she must have felt so unloved... enough that she left him.

Actually, and this is awful, one of the reasons I stayed with him while we were dating was because my lawyers during the divorce said I had to. They told me that I would lose custody of my kids so fast if I did what many separated wives do... the judges have no toleration for the mom doing that. I broached the topic with the lawyers after I had said to my current husband (then boyfriend) that it was not fair to either of us to stay together bc I had needs that he was repeatedly turning down and he had needs to not be approached, and it was a time in my life I needed to fill those needs, like he had when his wedding was called off (he had a period of time just for him... little did I know that that is how he lives everyday of his life, not just back then). The kids had only known him as a friend of mine b/c I didnt want them to get attached at that point (they used to try to set us up though). My current husband capitalized on that when he asked the kids if they would like us to be more than friends... he did it when he knew I wanted out. They were thrilled and I was trapped. At that point though, I was still attracted to him. I found that attraction again this weekend which is what made me feel free enough to do something sexy for him... without sex attached to it...and the same old him came out... now I feel defeated and afraid... he threatened to have my kids taken away, divorce, sell the house, and then later said that all those things were said only in anger and he would apologize for them.


----------



## Choose2love (Jul 28, 2009)

Blanca, the only reason he got so angry was b/c I was doing something that he didnt want. I am guessing he thought I wanted sex. When he calmed down I told him that I was just trying to show him so that he could have something to look forward to... he then apologized.


----------



## Choose2love (Jul 28, 2009)

Mattie J, thanks for your thoughts. He has no performance anxiety nor performance issues. He can last for a longer time than I can, if he chooses, he can have a quickie if he chooses. The issue is it has to be when he chooses. This is where I think you nailed it... he cannot accept affection. It makes him cringe, look away, make faces, he will even wipe his mouth when kissing if he doesnt want it... he will put his hands up and push me away. It has got to do with something that happened when he was younger... not having dad around until he was 14 (so he didnt see affection)? Having a cold mom, who let him get away with everything (he didnt see affection even after dad came back from sea... he saw a dad who hit on his mom and got turned down)? I honestly dont know. He is so guarded against it being anything to do with him though, he is trying to balme me in therapy and punish me at home.


----------



## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

Choose...just a thought, but maybe you could write things down for your therapist. Something for him/her to read, and maybe a list so that you can get your side in and heard? You say you are better communicating in writing.

I honestly don't know what to say about him. He has serious control issues, and I'd think something else has to be going on. If my wife pulled what you did in the OP, that tv would have been off in a jiffy...whether you were asking or not.

My heart goes out to you. I'm in a similar situation..although in my case my wife both likes to stay in control, and views sex as "dirty". *sigh*


----------



## Choose2love (Jul 28, 2009)

Thanks Down, I think that is a great idea. Something came up in therapy yesterday... The therapist pointed out that she didnt know if he was truly listening to me (or her yesterday). He says funny you should say that... in all his 15 years as a manager he has gotten glowing reports with one area that needs improvement... listening! Wow, it has reframed things alot. I think our problem has been going on as long as it has bc he hasnt heard me well enough to retain what was said... therefore always going back to his way.I dont know, new leaf has turned and we can only wait and see what happens.

Yes, we are in the same boat but reversed... mine doesnt think sex is dirty, he just doesnt want it sometimes and controls like your wife... sigh as well... It is in the Bible, Corinthians... that your body is no longer only your own, but belongs to your wife, and the same for wives bodies belonging to their husbands as well. It says you should not withhold unless you must, but if you must not for too long. I dont have it right in front of me, so this is a paraphrase. In Ephesians, wives and husbands are instructed to submit and do for their spouses and husbands love their wives bodies as they love their own bodies... Its pretty clear in there what we should all be doing. Yes, I am very religious and spiritual...


----------



## BiscuitMom (Oct 16, 2009)

I think our men have same issue. My husband only wants sex if he thinks I don't want it. If I don't respond, then I get silent treatment. When I was sick, three times a week is not enough. However, now that I am better, once a week is too much and why am I such an addict. If I want sex, I have to pretend that I am too tired, not feeling good, go to bed early and get up early for exercise, etc so no opporunity, then let it be his idea. If I make the advance first, then we are back to square one.


----------



## akmm (Oct 22, 2009)

Wait a minute! How could your husband take your kids for being an unfit mother because they met and bonded with your husband? My husband's ex-wife left him for another man who was abusive towards her; married and divorced a guy she claims was an alcoholic; and is married to her 3rd husband who is a fruitloop. Not to mention that she puts ALL of her needs before her children's and spends their child support on her dog. My husband can't even get joint custody of his daughters. 

I can't imagine a court deeming you unfit because you choose to leave a man who is not meeting YOUR needs. Don't let your children's father threaten you with this- talk to an attorney. Most will give you a free consultation.


----------



## newbride (May 28, 2009)

I'm in the same place... my husband only wants sex when he wants it.. and lately its never.. unless its a blowjob....now he is interested.. he looks at porn every day. I used to dress up...fancy lingerie, nurse, french maid.. I have all the stuff... but last few times I put it on he ignored me. I can't handle the rejection either. We have only been married a year.. I'm ready to walk.. (2nd marriage for both of us)


----------

