# Did Counseling work for you?



## desperately in love (Sep 21, 2008)

Sorry, I keep making new posts but, I just can't sleep. 

*You don't have to post anything but, please take the poll. *

I am so afraid that my relationship is over forever. I don't want to give up until I give counseling a try. First I would like to here from you guys. 
Did you try counseling? 

Did it work for you? 

Did you feel differently towards each other after the 1st visit?

How many sessions did it take before you decided if your relationship was worth saving?

Thank you everyone!! I'm so desperate! I love my baby!


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

i have never done counselling for issues. but was going to look into it in april after hubby had a one night. thats when i stumbled across this forum and not looked back.
i did look at few ppl in the business but they were just really expensive and how i looked at it, they have problems to.


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## desperately in love (Sep 21, 2008)

Thank you for replying, Justean. 

You will not believe this, I ran out this morning and bought The five love languages book by Gary chapman. I just finished reading it about 5 mins ago. When i was only about 1/2 through I spoke to my fiance and tried showing him love instead of being a whiner and blaming him for what went wrong. Already, the response was amazing. He softened right away. (Good thing the 1st love language I read was his primary language) I couldn't believe it!! A book?!?!? I can't wait to see what's going to happen with us from now on. I am positive that we can fix our relationship. The main thing is that we still love each other. We just weren't communicating our love to each other in the right way.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

my wife has been to three of the ten or so sessions i've been to. she just this past week told me and my therapist she would come back this week. no real progress, maybe except for the contract i signed to comply with wifes demand to take care of some business that bogged her down emotionally. that and she is coming back, so i guess maybe that's progress.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Unfortunately, most of us seek counseling too late. Please factor this into how successful counseling can be. In my case we let our problems build for years, so it will naturally take longer to get things resolved. My husband moved out in April and we began couple's counseling soon after. After two months of that I wasn't seeing any benefit and actually felt worse after each session. All I could see was us arguing and tearing each other down just like the good ole days at home. Therefore, I got another counselor for myself. I could clearly see I had some issues and I needed help resolving them. My husband still sees the first counselor on an individual basis.

After all of these months my husband still doesn't know if he wants to save our marriage. I guess time will tell if counseling works for us. However, my husband agrees things have gotten better between us since we started seeing separate therapists. He also felt the conflict in joint counseling was damaging.

I'm so glad you purchased a copy of "The Five Love Languages". That book is so helpful! I wished I could have read it five years ago; I believe we wouldn't be in counseling now if I had know about the book. However, if you already have a lot of damage done in your relationship, you may want to consider marriage counseling in addition to the book. 

Good luck!


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## Honey (Sep 2, 2008)

desperately in love said:


> Sorry, I keep making new posts but, I just can't sleep.
> 
> *You don't have to post anything but, please take the poll. *
> 
> ...


What happens with you going can't be compared to other people. Everyone is different, so it may not help some people, but it may help you two to go. If it doesn't.. you tried, right?


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## Sweet love (Sep 10, 2008)

i htink oyur man need to go to hterapy to resolve his mumy relationship and his spoiled boy issue.. that will help for oyur future together. he must treat you as his coming wife, not his comming new mummy..


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## staylor1 (Sep 21, 2008)

I tried it. Invited my husband to sit in...but then he changed his mind immediately, after a couple of meetings with the marriage counselor...he did not want to go back.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

desperately in love said:


> Sorry, I keep making new posts but, I just can't sleep.
> 
> *You don't have to post anything but, please take the poll. *
> 
> ...


I voted yes, better than ever. A few months ago my husband was hanging out way too much with an 18 year old neighbor (and babysitter) and the couple next door. To the point of me doing everything and emotionally he was not there. I thought the relationship was too close with the girl and said something and he surprises me with telling me he is not happy and not sure he wants to stay married. 15 years of marriage, no problems until then and he says he's 60% sure he wants to end it. I asked him why. I won't go in to the details but he made it seem entirely my fault and made me feel insecure about myself. Including the fact that I'd gained a few pounds after having two kids. He didn't act like himself and he seemed very depressed. 

I asked him if we could go to marriage counseling. He said no. I eventually got him to agree to see a counselor for his depression which he did. Seemed happy I made the appointment actually. 

Long story but he was angry and depressed because he felt something was missing, looked for it elsewhere and had an affair. The guild was horrible and worse, he was more unhappy than before. 

I eventually found out, and threw him out. Told him its over, don't ever come back. He left but then called me. At first I refused to take his calls. I eventually did and he said he'd do whatever he had to, to fix it. Would I give him one chance. He then said the only thing I would do and that was asking me to go to marriage counseling. 

For us the change was immediate, but both of us are willing to go and try. The biggest thing is in improving communication and changing how we communicate. We became best friends again. I was also struggling with horrible mood swings and afraid to bring up the affair because I did not want to fight but needed to know all the details. When I did bring it up, my husband felt we were moving backwards and didn't realize I was healing. He was beginning to feel there was no hope. The counselor got him to understand this is how some people process, I was healing but he should expect and support this. 

That was like a light bulb went on, and now he's probably better and getting me out of a funk than I am. He also is not defensive or angry if I bring it up and want to talk out things. He's open but respectful and incredibly supportive. He LEARNED how to do these things. He was always so closed and kept emotions inside and between the marriage counseling and his private counseling he learned HE was the problem in the marriage. While I tell him we both had a part, he realizes that when he stopped putting anything in, it was difficult to get anything out. He was very much in the "I" mode of thinking. 

So for us, I have to say this has had a huge affect. We don't dread the counseling and often talk about what we will share with him at our next session. I don't think we will need to continue after much longer but this was the best investment we have ever made. The changes have not only helped save our marriage, but helped make it one I want to save.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

AZMOM,
that's such an incredibly powerful story, only because it sounds like your spouses type of affair is one that would tear most marriages apart. trust issues, near undeage minor, neighbor, etc. wow. it sounds like you have good feelings about counseling. i'm going in apprehensive this week, but i'm giving it my all. any advice?
background: 17 yrs married, 4 kids, no infidelity, broke a solumn promise of sobriety after years of alcohol use.


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## freeshias4me (Dec 4, 2007)

I voted "other"...
I actaully never had counselling for my marriage...But I have had counselling, and group therapy, for when I had very serious depression.
Therapy did NOT help in any way, case or form for me. 
The therapist only asked me simple questions, like: "describe yourself to me". Well, describing mysel won't help my depression!
He was not ALLOWED to make any comments to me or give me any ideas of how to help myself. 
So...If marriage counselling would act in the same way, I couldn't imagine it helping if I needed it.
When I went to group therapy, everyone was free to speak up about whatever was bothering them...So fine, I spoke up... Only to have group backlash (The women there were all complaining about how they were going to get revenge on their "horrible" husbands. Yet I got yelled at because I told them (factually) about how I was feeling because of how my father was treating me. :crazy:

'Just my 2 cents


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## Farfignewton (Aug 10, 2008)

Went to counseling numerous times with the ex-husband and it didn't help WHATSOEVER. So I have decided not to waste my time nor my money this time around. I'm to the point of not caring now with this relationship so I will not waste my time on counseling. There's nothing they can do when one partner does not want to work towards a reconciliation. I just unfortunately fell in love with men who do not love me near as much as I love them. If anything, I alone need counseling so that I don't repeat this behavior again. I am not saying that counseling won't work for your relationship. I just think that the issues that have happened in my marriages may have more to do with me than with the other party. I shouldn't have married either one of them in the first place.


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

desperately in love said:


> Sorry, I keep making new posts but, I just can't sleep.
> 
> *You don't have to post anything but, please take the poll. *
> 
> ...


Well... marriage counseling stopped us from fighting and we are now 'getting along' which is all hubby wanted in the first place. I want more, romance, love, sex, closeness, he wants a congenial roommate. 

Before the MC, we were planning on breaking up. Now he's happy and i'm grumbly. So unless you want the same things, MC won't work. 

We both wanted to stop arguing and fighting. we both worked on that, and it helped.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

We go to separate counselors. i would never go to a marriage counsellor. i put very little weight in counseling. I use it more as an emotional release. i rely for most of my therapy on things i read, people i talk to, and of course forums.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

i'm amending my answer to "maybe." i'm switching counselors today. i'll be back and let you know. let me say this though...
my wife was not cool with marriage counseling-ing, and she's getting warmer to the idea, so maybe ours (dr. rice) was more helpful than i'm giving him credit for...but...

i'm never going to allow another human to treat Beth's emotions the way he did, ever.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

ok, the new counselor. nice long free session. but i don't know, i'm gonna give it a couple of weeks, because:

upside: mostly because she sees the wisdom of backing off, the ol push-pull. also, her take on codependency was refreshing.

downside: ever get the feeling that if you don't pay enough for something, it ain't worth it? her fee schedule is way too reasonable.

crazy, ain't i?

anyway, she thinks we're in a good place to save the relationship. in fact she thinks we're still in it, and that it is better than ever(!)


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

oops, repeat post, sorry!


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

mommy22 said:


> The counselor was male, so he taught me a lot about how to read men. He said some of the same things my husband had told me, but it really drove some points home in hearing it from him as well. He went so far as to help me learn how to react in certain social situations.


Hi Mommy22,

This piqued my interest! Anything you care to share? I'm always looking for ways to better relate and have a better understanding.


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