# married and going to a prostitute



## PachelbelCanonD (Oct 21, 2012)

Hello All,

My husband is on a high profile business trip right now where he is socializing with his clients as well.. He told me on the phone that his clients and he had gone to a night club and two of his colleages actually had sex with the girls there. (It was a night club with these facilities).. I am sure he did not do any of these things, otherwise he would not have shared all the details with me.. One of these men was 50, married and has family. Other one was also married, 35. It seemed to me, the way my husband described that these men had a very casual attitude towards sex and they were without any guilt or shame. I asked my husband what is your opinion, and he said that the 50 year old atleast should not be judged since he is already 50 and has been with family for all these years. 

What do you all think? Is it so casual these days for men to go out and pay for sex when they are travelling? I think its disgusting and I would certainly not tolerate this kind of behaviour from my man. I am afraid he has many of these business trips during the year and I do not know when he will himself give in to temptation. We are about year into our marriage and its going smooth so far. But these trips do make me really nervous. 

Thanks,


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## sdcott (Oct 9, 2012)

I don't agree with sex outside of the marriage ever. Call me old fashioned, but I don't think it is OK. As far as your husbands situation, it is tough and high risk. The reality that he could give into pressure, curiosity or the "moment" is real. Do all men cheat, NO, but he is in a bad situation. Perhaps it is possible he not go to the nightclubs during the trips? Is he comfortable with the situation? His thinking the 50 year old should be excused seems like a gateway attitude that would make me uncomfortable. I would want to make sure my marriage did not have vulnerabilities and really be sure that my husband knew he was my priority and work very hard and making sure he is content and happy so that he won't be as likely to be curious or wishful. I have learned the hard way about assumptions, and now I assume nothing and ask what is important frequently so he knows I care about everything in his life.
good luck
SDC


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## PachelbelCanonD (Oct 21, 2012)

Thanks sdcott.. That helps..


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I think Sdcott is on the right track there, but I'd add a question that I'd talk to my husband about, too. "Is there any pressure for you to do the same?"


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## Liam (Nov 13, 2009)

PachelbelCanonD said:


> I asked my husband what is your opinion, and he said that the 50 year old atleast should not be judged since he is already 50 and has been with family for all these years.


That is quite a worrying attitude, to be honest. I agree with sdcott about maybe asking him not to go to the nightclubs. To be quite honest with you, I don't understand why married people _want_ to go to nightclubs - because to me they are full of drunk, desperate people(of both sexes!). But that's just me.

I think you need to explain to him that you would absolutely NOT accept him engaging in the kind of behaviour his colleagues did, and if there is any chance of it, you want him not to socialise with them at all in settings such as these 'nightclubs'.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

Liam said:


> That is quite a worrying attitude, to be honest. I agree with sdcott about maybe asking him not to go to the nightclubs. To be quite honest with you, I don't understand why married people _want_ to go to nightclubs - because to me they are full of drunk, desperate people(of both sexes!). But that's just me.
> 
> I think you need to explain to him that you would absolutely NOT accept him engaging in the kind of behaviour his colleagues did, and if there is any chance of it, you want him not to socialise with them at all in settings such as these 'nightclubs'.


I agree. WTF??? I'd like to hear my husband say that about being 50...I might just lose control of my reflexes then and bop him one in the nose...if he's lucky enough to have me enough in my senses to have a higher aim. If you know what I mean.


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## bluepocket (Oct 20, 2012)

Just want to throw my 2c...

He probably said it in a matter of fact way because, out of the two of his colleagues, the younger man took his vows more recently and presumably has young kids, whereas the 50 year old's kids are probably moved out. The younger colleague has really just began his lifetime commitment compared to the older man. Honestly, it could have been a flippant remark. If he was thinking 'I could be doing that too for the same reason' he almost definitely would not have said it.

Unless there are other warning signs, I wouldn't read too much into it.
It sounds to me like you guys are very close and what you would have liked to hear him say, "But I would never dream of it", he could think of that as a given. He thinks it but didn't say it, because to him it's obvious, though it would have comforted you.

Believe me, if the idea of actually going ahead and paying for sex was there, he most likely would have just said nothing!


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## PachelbelCanonD (Oct 21, 2012)

Liam said:


> That is quite a worrying attitude, to be honest. I agree with sdcott about maybe asking him not to go to the nightclubs. To be quite honest with you, I don't understand why married people _want_ to go to nightclubs - because to me they are full of drunk, desperate people(of both sexes!). But that's just me.
> 
> I think you need to explain to him that you would absolutely NOT accept him engaging in the kind of behaviour his colleagues did, and if there is any chance of it, you want him not to socialise with them at all in settings such as these 'nightclubs'.


Thanks Liam and everyone else for your replies.. I am glad that you think so.. Honestly I do not want to force any kind of obligation on him to not to go to a night club. We are both adults and are capable of judging consequences of our actions.. But when he comes back I do want to make it clear that I am not comfortable with such outings. I will also reinforce again that infidelity for me is unacceptable, and if he feels the need to have sex with someone else, I would be more than happy to talk about it and try to sort out, instead of finding it out later and then taking drastic measures.


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## PachelbelCanonD (Oct 21, 2012)

bluepocket said:


> Just want to throw my 2c...
> 
> It sounds to me like you guys are very close and what you would have liked to hear him say, "But I would never dream of it", he could think of that as a given. He thinks it but didn't say it, because to him it's obvious, though it would have comforted you.
> 
> Believe me, if the idea of actually going ahead and paying for sex was there, he most likely would have just said nothing!


You are so right.. I wanted him to say that the 50 year old man should not have done it and he did not approve of his actions.. I wanted a strong negative remark from him about the man's actions, but he did not and it certainly did not comfort me.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

Liam said:


> That is quite a worrying attitude, to be honest. I agree with sdcott about maybe asking him not to go to the nightclubs. To be quite honest with you, I don't understand why married people _want_ to go to nightclubs - because to me they are full of drunk, desperate people(of both sexes!). But that's just me.
> 
> I think you need to explain to him that you would absolutely NOT accept him engaging in the kind of behaviour his colleagues did, and if there is any chance of it, you want him not to socialise with them at all in settings such as these 'nightclubs'.


:iagree:


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

I would feel very uncomfortable with your H's attitude regarding the 50 year old, and I would be equally as uncomfortable at him frequenting night clubs whilst on business trips and associating with married people who sleep with prostitutes.

It's up to you how you approach this, OP, but this isn't something I would tolerate in my relationship.


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## 40isthenew20 (Jul 12, 2012)

Anyone going to a pros is asking for trouble. Not even catching a disease, mind you, but how about crabs or warts? Those would be bad enough to get and bring home - single or married - but how about something even worse? 

Maybe your H's co-workers don't get any action at home, had a few drinks and did something stupid. No excuses, though.


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## bluepocket (Oct 20, 2012)

Hey, let's not freak out the OP with talk of warts etc!
Meh, doing something stupid after a few drinks would be adding salt instead of sugar. Going to prostitutes is much different. There are many stages of decision making all skewing towards selfishness.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Simpler delivery style goes like this:
- I love you and want to make sure you are happy with the physical part of our marriage and dont want to do this stuff
- if you aren't happy with us/our sex life speak up
- if you do this out of boredom, or for variety our marriage will end swiftly, and very badly for you

So, you should hold me to my part of this. As I am going to hold you to yours.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

In my book, they are just way too cavalier! And if it looks like crap, smells like crap, and feels like crap, then it's probably crap!

Cheating is cheating no matter how well intentioned or attractive that the purveyor chooses to make it!


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

PachelbelCanonD said:


> Hello All,
> 
> My husband is on a high profile business trip right now where he is socializing with his clients as well.. He told me on the phone that his clients and he had gone to a night club and two of his colleages actually had sex with the girls there. (It was a night club with these facilities).. I am sure he did not do any of these things, otherwise he would not have shared all the details with me.. One of these men was 50, married and has family. Other one was also married, 35. It seemed to me, the way my husband described that these men had a very casual attitude towards sex and they were without any guilt or shame. I asked my husband what is your opinion, and he said that the 50 year old atleast should not be judged since he is already 50 and has been with family for all these years.
> 
> ...


What was your husband up to while his colleagues were frolicking with the hired help?


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## Camarillo Brillo (Oct 10, 2012)

I had to re-read the original post several times. I am stunned. I have traveled extensively for business to many countries and I have NEVER gone to a night club. That is totally inappropriate. Sure, I have gone to many, many fantastic restaurants, but never to a night club.

And sex with prostitutes? You have got to be effing kidding me. That is totally, absolutely over the line.

I would question the culture of the company he is with. Something sounds wrong here.


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## Needpeace (May 24, 2012)

PachelbelCanonD said:


> Hello All,
> 
> My husband is on a high profile business trip right now where he is socializing with his clients as well.. *He told me on the phone that his clients and he had gone to a night club and two of his colleages actually had sex with the girls there. (It was a night club with these facilities)..* I am sure he did not do any of these things, otherwise he would not have shared all the details with me.. One of these men was 50, married and has family. Other one was also married, 35. It seemed to me, the way my husband described that these men had a very casual attitude towards sex and they were without any guilt or shame. I asked my husband what is your opinion, and he said that *the 50 year old atleast should not be judged since he is already 50 and has been with family for all these years. *
> What do you all think? Is it so casual these days for men to go out and pay for sex when they are travelling? I think its disgusting and I would certainly not tolerate this kind of behaviour from my man. *I am afraid he has many of these business trips during the year and I do not know when he will himself give in to temptation.* We are about year into our marriage and its going smooth so far. But these trips do make me really nervous.
> ...


All I have bolded are of major concern, you have cause to be nail biting while ever he travels.

It's not ok for any married man to frequent these type's of night clubs.

It's also not ok for a married man at any time during the term of his marriage to pay for sex, anywhere, anytime. Your husbands response to your question is astounding. :scratchhead:

An in depth discussion is required in relation to his business trip outings....strictly no night clubs, ever.

How can you be sure, I'd be very uneasy knowing about these incidents regarding co-workers, & their poor none the wiser wives.


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## Cdelta02 (Sep 20, 2012)

IF he has clients that need to go, then I am not surprised if he feels he has to. That doesnt mean that he needs to do anything there. 

Quite a few folks dont sample the goods, if you know what I mean.

However, his comment on the 50 yr old worries me. When he turns 50, is he thinking of doing the same?


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## 45188 (Sep 13, 2012)

I'd tell him "Cool, so its alright with you if I start hunting around at nightclubs for younger guys when I turn 50?" and gauge his reaction.. And after that you should also frequent nightclubs all the time - this way you'll force the shoe on the other foot. You don't even have to go to them. Just make him think you did.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

I've been thinking some more about this, because I find it such an unbelievable comment.



> he said that the 50 year old atleast should not be judged since he is already 50 and has been with family for all these years.


Does this mean that the reward for married life and rearing a family is that we get a free pass to bonk a prostitute when we turn 50? :scratchhead:


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## Jeapordy (Aug 12, 2012)

Businessmen going to strip clubs and worse is fairly common, and has been for 100 years. It doesn't make it right, but I think the ladies have to understand the realities in life. Some men think of these trips as sexual and moral vacations. In parts of Europe, Asia, and South America, this behavior is very common, and not seen as a significant moral issue.
So the OP needs to worry about her husband and not worry about all the other men. Her husband will probably need to go to these night clubs if his clients want to go there. He might even need to pay for the other men's prostitutes to help close the deal. The customer is always right.
But good salesmen will not engage in these activities themselves. It gives them the moral high ground and the clients will actually respect him for not indulging. They will think he is the luckiest man in the world if he says that his wife is better than any prostitute. A good salesman also knows that he always wants to have dirt on his clients, but not the other way around.
So hopefully the OP's husband is a smart salesman. but that kind of temptation is very powerful. If he is at one of these clubs and the marriage is having issues, that is what leads men to give in to it.


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

I think it was an off the wall comment and he probably meant nothing by it, but if I were OP, I'd be looking hard at my marriage to evaluate it's health. Not saying it's bad or anything but if he's going to be exposed to situations like that, then you both need to make sure your marriage is as healthy as it can be.

Are there any issues at home?

As for the other guys...who are any of us to judge? Everyone has different attitudes about everything and to understand anyone you have to know their entire life's history. Not saying it's right or wrong (obviously the majority of us think it's wrong if they're married) but we all have demons.

I've become very humble of my judgements of other people after all the crap I've been through in the past 4 years.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Jeapordy said:


> Businessmen going to strip clubs and worse is fairly common, and has been for 100 years. It doesn't make it right, but I think the ladies have to understand the realities in life. Some men think of these trips as sexual and moral vacations. In parts of Europe, Asia, and South America, this behavior is very common, and not seen as a significant moral issue.
> So the OP needs to worry about her husband and not worry about all the other men. Her husband will probably need to go to these night clubs if his clients want to go there. He might even need to pay for the other men's prostitutes to help close the deal. The customer is always right.
> But good salesmen will not engage in these activities themselves. It gives them the moral high ground and the clients will actually respect him for not indulging. They will think he is the luckiest man in the world if he says that his wife is better than any prostitute. A good salesman also knows that he always wants to have dirt on his clients, but not the other way around.
> So hopefully the OP's husband is a smart salesman. but that kind of temptation is very powerful. If he is at one of these clubs and the marriage is having issues, that is what leads men to give in to it.


Because that kind of temptation is very powerful, I don't think it's a good idea for anyone who values their marriage to place themselves in that sort of position.

As for:-



> Some men think of these trips as sexual and moral vacations.


That might have worked 100 years ago, but wives these days are far less tolerant / indulgent... 



> He might even need to pay for the other men's prostitutes to help close the deal. The customer is always right.


If my partner provided his employees with an expense account to cover his clients' prostitutes, there would be hell to pay!


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## Poppy (Mar 14, 2012)

So sorry you are dealing with this. In my H's line of business he was actually taken to these places in Asia by his soon to be new boss. When we lived there it went on all the time...completely acceptable. I had a friend out there who's H's boss would leave in the middle of dinner, shag a prostitute and then return. 
Not to scare you, but my H was well and truly into this too and I had no idea. We even had discussions about how sad it was.


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## lovetopleasewife (Oct 7, 2012)

There is a lot of good advice on here already and I agree with most of it. I travel for work all the time and I have never put myself in the situation your husband placed himself in. I have been on trips where the people I was with were taking clients to a strip club and because of my commitment to my relationship, I did not go. IMO, he should not be placing himself in these situations. It is dangerous.

For myself, I am completely committed to my wife and never want to harm her and would never put myself into that situation. A few drinks, a hot woman and the lure of sex and nobody finding out....yea, that is not a good situation for any straight man, even us strong ones.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

I wouldn't be married to a man who goes to sex clubs for business because while I know I will never cheat, I would never assume anybody else will not even my husband. I am only in control of me.

Would your husband be okay with you going to sex clubs several times a year where your married clients & colleagues are having sex with male prostitutes?


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

God I'm tired of hearing about how weak and helpless men are in the presence of lusty sexual women that happen to not be their wives...


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

DayDream said:


> God I'm tired of hearing about how weak and helpless men are in the presence of lusty sexual women that happen to not be their wives...


In this case women who were plying their trade with great success, by the sounds of things.


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## lovetopleasewife (Oct 7, 2012)

DayDream said:


> God I'm tired of hearing about how weak and helpless men are in the presence of lusty sexual women that happen to not be their wives...[/QUOT
> 
> The point is to not to place a man in this situation, not that men are helpless. Bottom line it is very easy to exercise self-control when your not in a situation where the wrong head is talking. Why tempt?


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

PachelbelCanonD said:


> What do you all think? Is it so casual these days for men to go out and pay for sex when they are travelling?


These days? No, ALL days. Men and casual sex go together like screws and nuts.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

lovetopleasewife said:


> DayDream said:
> 
> 
> > God I'm tired of hearing about how weak and helpless men are in the presence of lusty sexual women that happen to not be their wives...[/QUOT
> ...


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

PachelbelCanonD said:


> You are so right.. I wanted him to say that the 50 year old man should not have done it and he did not approve of his actions.. I wanted a strong negative remark from him about the man's actions, but he did not and it certainly did not comfort me.


This would bother me too...this is basically saying the wedding vows expire at age 50 then it becomes a free for all! Seeing that I will be 50 soon this does not bode well with me!


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

DayDream said:


> lovetopleasewife said:
> 
> 
> > Right. Not to place men in this position because they are so weak and helpless against such a strong gravitational pull.
> ...


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