# "Everything is fine"



## Peaf (Feb 8, 2016)

...except, obviously it's not.

My husband is acting weird. The weekend was great, Monday was fine. Yesterday morning he's happy and joking. Then I get home from work last night. We live in a very quiet village and can hear when someone gets home. You can especially hear people coming up the stairs when you're in the kitchen. My 3 teenage daughters and I make our way up the stairs, we all are carrying grocery bags, school and gym bags, etc. I finally get into the house, only to be greeted by the dog, and I find my H stuffing his face with a PB&J in the kitchen. I ask how his day was, and get a sarcastic "awesome". Then he leaves the kitchen and spends the rest of the night sulking on the couch while I do homework, housework, laundry, and walk the dog. He also didn't bother to start dinner, so the girls and I ate whatever leftovers there were since nothing was defrosted and it was already late. I asked him, after giving him some time to relax if he wants to talk and if everything is ok. "Everything is fine, why? ". I tell him he seems pissed off or upset. "I'm fine". So I let him sulk. I stay up late to finish homework, and he says he's of to bed and just leaves, no goodnight kids, nothing. 

This morning, same attitude. 
I get the feeling he wants me to dote on him, but I'm kind of tired of his moodiness. I keep trying to figure out of I did something to upset him, and I'm stumped, cause I can't think of a thing. I've been going on about my business like I'm not bothered, but this is super annoying and it DOES bother me because he's upset about something and I have no idea what. Any advice on how to deal with this without making it worse?


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Tell him you're going to get out of his hair and take the girls and go spend a couple of weeks with a friend or your parents.

He will likely do some major thinking and make some changes. It might even take a month. But, he will figure out something is wrong and it will build a fire under him.

Men are idiots--- I'm one of the worst. Please fix his wagon before his behavior pushes your love away and you get to the point you have one foot out the door and don't even realize it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Behavior like that would definitely make me wonder if he is fooling around. 

If he is sloppy, you will find out sooner rather than later. So give him space. Maybe take the daughters away for the weekend. Watch him make thinly veiled "jokes" about how you have lover. But maybe also he will leave some of his own evidence around.


----------



## citygirl4344 (Mar 4, 2016)

To me it sounds like something happened at work.
He responded sarcastically when you specifically asked how his day was. Maybe he's not ready to tell you yet...id give it a day and then ask him again and tell him his moodiness is making you feel crappy and if you did something stop acting like a baby and tell you.



Sent from my iPhone


----------



## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Just give him some time and space. PB&J is my drug of choice when I am very stressed. Yes, it's a guy's way of coping (or not coping) with stress. And yes, i retreat into bedroom or TV or computer etc when stressed. I can relate to your H. Women like to and want to talk it out. Not guys. 

", but this is super annoying and it DOES bother me because he's upset about something and I have no idea what." Stop making this about you. HE is stressed and YOU are getting annoyed?? WTH. Break this cycle. Understand that is the way he is. It does not always have to be about you. Yes, you are concerned but let him work it out. If and when he needs you he will talk to you. Understand though he might be ok next day and still NEVER tell you what bothered him. Accept that too. It probably hurt his ego that he got stressed and further does not want to compound his stress by having to tell you what happened to him.

Make sure you are fully stocked with peanut butter, bread and jelly. Not kidding here. 

BTW, you can ask the "Did I do anything to upset you question?" if you need to. If he says no, accept it and just give him space.


----------



## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

citygirl4344 said:


> tell him his moodiness is making you feel crappy and if you did something stop acting like a baby and tell you.


Hmmm, not good advice, unless you want to start a fight.

Yes, he may be acting like a baby, but still I would not recommend that approach. Read my other post. 

This scenario has played out sometimes in my household. Very very infrequent, but has happened. After some time he will be back to normal and act like it never happened.


----------



## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

I don't want anybody's pity.

I'd rather deal with it myself and not rehash whatever is pi$$ing me off over again by explaining it to my wife.... especially if there's nothing to be done but accepting what ever pi$$ed me off in the first place.

you can say I noticed you seem to be under some stress lately did I do anything to cause this? and is there anything I can do to help you deal with this? if he say no and no then let him deal with it his own way. if he continues to act weird after a week then open line of communication again in a loving manner. 

good luck


----------



## citygirl4344 (Mar 4, 2016)

blueinbr said:


> Hmmm, not good advice, unless you want to start a fight.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Well obviously I didn't mean say it in those words. I should have prefaced that. My mistake there and thanks for pointing out. 
I agree that would start a fight but there does need to be communication if he keeps the moodiness. 


Sent from my iPhone


----------



## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

citygirl4344 said:


> Well obviously I didn't mean say it in those words. I should have prefaced that. My mistake there and thanks for pointing out.
> I agree that would start a fight but there does need to be communication if he keeps the moodiness.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone


I'm not picking on you City :smile2:

Just providing comments from a guy that acts like a jerk sometimes the same way OP's H was doing. 

With me, it would all blow over within a day or two. If he keeps it up longer or does this frequently, OP needs to get involved. 

But will be hard to communicate then OP's H is doing the turtle in the shell. The LAST thing he wants at the moment is communication. My advice to OP was more that she should not get annoyed and to not let her annoyance compound the problem.

Partial success would be if H can tell his wife he is having problems at work (for example). But that might be all he would be willing to say at the moment and OP might not want to press further for more information, even though she wants to know the exact and full details.


----------



## Peaf (Feb 8, 2016)

Thanks for all the input. 
I don't think he's cheating. He's always home, etc, but I'm sure I'm not the first wife who trusted her H and maybe found out later otherwise. I know it's alwas a possibility. 

I do think it may be something about work, and I think that him having to relive whatever it was might be too much for him. He's a perfectionist and has a hard time with adversity and admitting fault. I do know that currently he is not feeling real confident at work. I try to be supportive by talking when he wants to and not pushing when he doesn't. 

I don't think I'm making this about me. When I have a ****ty day at work, the expecation (his expectation) is that I leave it at work and not let it affect us. So, yes, it's annoying that he doesn't abide by the same standards that he himself has set. 

We are relatively new to Europe (been here 4 months) so I don't have family/friends here. Also, I can't leave for a couple weeks due to work/school. He is leaving (for work) for a week next week however, so he'll have some space then. 

I did send him a text inviting him to lunch today and got a very short "I have a meeting" text in response. I said, ok, have a great day. I'm heading home soon, so well see how things are.


----------



## Peaf (Feb 8, 2016)

Thanks again Blue. And I think this is part of the annoyance is that we are both problem solvers and it bothers me that I can't"fix"it I guess. 

I also end up avoiding talking to him because he is quick to snap at me and I don't want to compound the problem by responding in turn, as you said. I don't want him to feel like he's alone in whatever it is, but I guess maybe that's exactly what he wants/needs, to deal with it on his own. I'm pretty good about not pushing for details, etc when he complains , so if it was a bad day, just say that, yknow? 
Thanks for the perspective. It helps me approach him more compassionately and try to do what HE needs, more than what I THINK he needs.


----------



## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

citygirl4344 said:


> To me it sounds like something happened at work.
> He responded sarcastically when you specifically asked how his day was. Maybe he's not ready to tell you yet...id give it a day and then ask him again and tell him his moodiness is making you feel crappy and if you did something stop acting like a baby and tell you.


I agree. It sounds like he had a really bad day at work and felt humiliated. That humiliation means he does not want to tell you.


----------



## Brandy905 (Apr 3, 2014)

Made me think of this.......

Wife's Diary Entry:

April 14: Tonight, I thought Jim was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends and I was a little late for our date. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I thought he was upset that I was a bit late; but he made no comment on it so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong. He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.

My life is a total disaster.


Husband's Diary Entry:

April 14: Boat won't start, can't figure out why.


----------



## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I like hearing from the guys here.

While he may not want to talk about it, I think there's a more mature way to handle it. Can't a guy speak up and say "It has to do with work, I don't want to talk about it and because I'm in such a pissy mood, I'm going to spare you and the kids and bow out for a bit, ok?"

If someone were up front instead of saying nothing but acting like an ass, that would piss me off. Just say you're cranky and need to be alone. That's fine.


----------



## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

It sounds like he is stressed at work. When my husband is worried about his job he doesn't like to talk about it and prefers to sit in his chair and watch movies and surf the web to get him mind in another place. That's one thing but your husband is being rude and taking it out on you. Maybe when he got home he thought you would be there with dinner on the table and when you weren't he got upset so that's why he is being cold to you. He needs to communicate to you what's on his mind.


----------



## citygirl4344 (Mar 4, 2016)

Lol @Blue
I know...I'm just happy that you pointed out my error.
I have a habit of thinking people can see my facial expressions when we are typing. Lol.

But I do think if she gives it a few days and he's still moody...obviously it's an issue that will need to be dealt with. 
I agree he will be annoyed but how else is she supposed to get across that this is upsetting her without telling him.
I'll be it not quite as matter a fact as I put it lol.
It is nice to a have a guys perspective on something like this though. 


Sent from my iPhone


----------



## Peaf (Feb 8, 2016)

So apparently, it wasn't work. He was upset because he had sent me a couple text messages to which I had not responded. I have horrible coverage where I work, not to mention that I'm new there, so I don't carry my phone with me, it's in a locker (where the service is non existent). Well, I didn't recieve the texts, I didn't respond, and his feelings were hurt. I can't believe it took days to flesh this out. Pretty unhappy/disappointed with our lack of communication right now.


----------



## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

Peaf said:


> So apparently, it wasn't work. He was upset because he had sent me a couple text messages to which I had not responded. I have horrible coverage where I work, not to mention that I'm new there, so I don't carry my phone with me, it's in a locker (where the service is non existent). Well, I didn't recieve the texts, I didn't respond, and his feelings were hurt. I can't believe it took days to flesh this out. Pretty unhappy/disappointed with our lack of communication right now.


Well, that is sexual stereotypes being turned on their head. That is daft.


----------



## citygirl4344 (Mar 4, 2016)

Peaf said:


> So apparently, it wasn't work. He was upset because he had sent me a couple text messages to which I had not responded. I have horrible coverage where I work, not to mention that I'm new there, so I don't carry my phone with me, it's in a locker (where the service is non existent). Well, I didn't recieve the texts, I didn't respond, and his feelings were hurt. I can't believe it took days to flesh this out. Pretty unhappy/disappointed with our lack of communication right now.



Why would he react like that? I understand his feelings were hurt but....over a few texts not being returned?

I work in a job where it could be hours or even never that I return a text. People know this as I assume your H knows with you and your text coverage.

*shakes head*

Is it that or is this the excuse he's giving you? I find communication in marriage the most difficult. I have the mindset that people, especially H should always know what is going on my head but, like in this situation, no one is a mind reader.



Sent from my iPhone


----------



## Froggi (Sep 10, 2014)

Tell him to grow up and knock it off. You were at WORK not some wild ass party.

I would tell him that he needs to build a bridge and get over it. That he can be upset all he wants but he will not ignore his family and act like a petulant child.

If he wants to act like that, he can go elsewhere until he grows up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

*Re: &quot;Everything is fine&quot;*

And why was he unable to say simply when you first asked him what was wrong, "you didn't answer my texts." ?? It would have resolved the issue. He wants you to worry, which is NOT a loving behavior at all. 

Did you see his texts before he brought them up? If yes, why did you not apologize? 

If I had to deal with this kind of immature, emotional stonewalling from anyone, I'd wonder if I'd just become a mommy. 

It's extremely disrespectful and a passive power play.


----------



## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

Was the subject of the texts insignificant in the larger picture (what do you want for dinner?) or were they related to some subject that was important to him and is generally a bit of an issue between you two? 

If the latter, it is easier for him to conclude you were ignoring him. I'd classify that as a misunderstanding and an opportunity to talk about how to avoid such things in the future. Or you can thing of him as a petulant child and ignore his concerns. Yes, that'll work...


----------



## Peaf (Feb 8, 2016)

No, I never recieved the messages. He showed me that he'd sent them, and I showed him that I hadn't recieved them. 
I agree he is acting a little immature about it, but to scold him for "acting like a child" plays into the mommy role, which I don't want to do. Besides, I feel that THAT is also disrespectful. 

He admitted that he was upset with himself for acting the way he did, especially over something so small. We are both terrible communicators and we do pretty good for awhile, and then something like this happens and sets us back a little. 

Rather than taking the"get over it" path, I reassured him that I would never have just ignored him. I try to remember that when my feelings are hurt over something, nothing is worse than someone minimizing that. 

Yes, I agree, it would've been as simple as asking me about it right away and wouldn't been resolved. I asked why he didn't and he said "I had already allowed myself to become all spun up and mad about it". 

We both tend to have a problem with blowing things out of proportion. We've agreed to try to address stuff right away, but I kind of doubt that'll happen. I just hate that the smallest things turn into am argument. We have nothing to fight over, which is great, yet we find things to be upset about. It almost makes me wonder if we just feel that we "have" to fight with each other for some reason. It's bizarre.


----------



## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Does anyone else have an issue with his neglect of his children because of his anger? Just saying. Ignored the children as well, way to go father of the year.

When tragedy hit my family and I had a lot of shiet and anger, guess what, I did not neglect my brother. I guess a 16-year old child can handle sheit better than an adult. Whether if he has a problem with her or not, it shows his maturity level towards the children.


----------



## Peaf (Feb 8, 2016)

Anonmd, one was a really sweet message wishing me a good day and saying he loved me. The other was something regarding school for the girls, nothing important, just some info. 

I understand why he was upset, and I can admit that I probably would've felt like he did too, but I think I would've handled it differently. I hope.


----------



## Peaf (Feb 8, 2016)

Fisty, he actually talked to the kids and stuff. He was fine with them besides not starting dinner. He was just acting crappy towards me, which is why I assumed I was the reason for his behavior in the first place. 

There's a typo in my original post that reads like he didn't say goodnight to the kids, but I meant he didn't give me a goodnight kiss.


----------



## citygirl4344 (Mar 4, 2016)

Peaf said:


> No, I never recieved the messages. He showed me that he'd sent them, and I showed him that I hadn't recieved them.
> I agree he is acting a little immature about it, but to scold him for "acting like a child" plays into the mommy role, which I don't want to do. Besides, I feel that THAT is also disrespectful.
> 
> He admitted that he was upset with himself for acting the way he did, especially over something so small. We are both terrible communicators and we do pretty good for awhile, and then something like this happens and sets us back a little.
> ...




Well fighting is a form of communication...you can learn to fight affectively.


----------



## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Peaf said:


> So apparently, it wasn't work. He was upset because he had sent me a couple text messages to which I had not responded. I have horrible coverage where I work, not to mention that I'm new there, so I don't carry my phone with me, it's in a locker (where the service is non existent). Well, I didn't recieve the texts, I didn't respond, and his feelings were hurt. I can't believe it took days to flesh this out. Pretty unhappy/disappointed with our lack of communication right now.


What a jerk. All this could have been avoided if he just said "Did you get my texts today"? I have asked my wife that a few times. 

Tell him that there is a feature on the text that indicates if the message was read. Tell him if it does not say "Read", it was NOT read.

But then he probably will complain that you did not open/read his texts on purpose.


----------



## Froggi (Sep 10, 2014)

Mr.Fisty said:


> Does anyone else have an issue with his neglect of his children because of his anger? Just saying. Ignored the children as well, way to go father of the year.
> 
> When tragedy hit my family and I had a lot of shiet and anger, guess what, I did not neglect my brother. I guess a 16-year old child can handle sheit better than an adult. Whether if he has a problem with her or not, it shows his maturity level towards the children.


Exactly why I'd tell him to grow up and knock it off. My own mother died and I was stressed planning the funeral etc but I did not ignore my kids. Or act like a butt to my spouse.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Froggi (Sep 10, 2014)

But it seems the OP fixed it and all is well. Until next time he acts like a child.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Peaf (Feb 8, 2016)

I'm just not sure how dismissing someone's feelings and calling them a child and to grow up is constructive. It seems more damaging than anything. Not sure that "everything is fixed", but I'm not going to stoop to a level of acting just as poorly as he did. I'm really looking for some input as to how to avoid this kind of stuff , or better handle it, in the future. Saying he's acting childish is fine, and I agree that he did. But it solves nothing.


----------



## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

Don't say it that way but talk to him and say that when he is upset about something instead of pouting and giving you the silent treatment he needs to tell you why he is upset. You aren't a mind reader so you didn't know why he was upset. It was a simple misunderstanding that got blown out of proportion and if he had just brought it up when you came home he wouldn't have been so upset for so long and treated you and that your children the way he did.


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

EnjoliWoman said:


> I like hearing from the guys here.
> 
> While he may not want to talk about it, I think there's a more mature way to handle it. Can't a guy speak up and say "It has to do with work, I don't want to talk about it and because I'm in such a pissy mood, I'm going to spare you and the kids and bow out for a bit, ok?"
> 
> If someone were up front instead of saying nothing but acting like an ass, that would piss me off. Just say you're cranky and need to be alone. That's fine.


He's a guy. We don't cluster around talking about our feelings every time they happen to change. He's not harming anyone and his mood may have nothing at all to do with her. Leave him alone and in a day or two he will be ok. Making a huge talk fest out of every mood change isn't more mature, it's just more feminine. Wish I had a nickle for every time a woman had a change of mood. Get sad, get pissed, get worried, get over it, and get back to work. 
The dude was bowing out of "this" for a bit. That apparently is the problem. Guys don't want to talk about everything. We're not supposed to talk about everything. That's why God makes beer and fish. It's possible he's pissed about something his wife did or didn't do. If he brings up his displeasure there's about a 99% chance it won't go well for him. If he's got teenage kids, he's been with a woman long enough to know what to expect if he opens up.


----------



## citygirl4344 (Mar 4, 2016)

Peaf said:


> I'm just not sure how dismissing someone's feelings and calling them a child and to grow up is constructive. It seems more damaging than anything. Not sure that "everything is fixed", but I'm not going to stoop to a level of acting just as poorly as he did. I'm really looking for some input as to how to avoid this kind of stuff , or better handle it, in the future. Saying he's acting childish is fine, and I agree that he did. But it solves nothing.




Yes he is acting childish but saying that is just going to escalate the situation.
I take it he's talking to you now.you said he admitted that he feels badly for how he reacted...does he see that he completely over reacted?


----------



## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

unbelievable said:


> He's a guy. We don't cluster around talking about our feelings every time they happen to change. He's not harming anyone and his mood may have nothing at all to do with her. Leave him alone and in a day or two he will be ok. Making a huge talk fest out of every mood change isn't more mature, it's just more feminine. Wish I had a nickle for every time a woman had a change of mood. Get sad, get pissed, get worried, get over it, and get back to work.
> The dude was bowing out of "this" for a bit. That apparently is the problem. Guys don't want to talk about everything. We're not supposed to talk about everything. That's why God makes beer and fish. It's possible he's pissed about something his wife did or didn't do. If he brings up his displeasure there's about a 99% chance it won't go well for him. If he's got teenage kids, he's been with a woman long enough to know what to expect if he opens up.


I hardly think a guy simply communicating "I'm in a pissy mood so I just need to be alone for a while" is "talking about everything" but the silent treatment is juvenile. She could SEE he was in a bad mood. But she can't know what he needs from her when he is in a bad mood unless he communicates that. Not so much as saying a word is rude. Why would you be rude to the person you are supposed to love and care about more than anyone? Just state a damn need: "I need to be alone for a bit". Even if the anger is toward his wife, he can calm down alone and address it later. If it isn't, he can come back calm and more pleasant with his family. But silence is just passive aggressive.

ETA - he is harming something: his relationship. An adult shouldn't pout for hours, much less days.


----------



## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Peaf said:


> I'm just not sure how dismissing someone's feelings and calling them a child and to grow up is constructive. It seems more damaging than anything. Not sure that "everything is fixed", but I'm not going to stoop to a level of acting just as poorly as he did. I'm really looking for some input as to how to avoid this kind of stuff , or better handle it, in the future. Saying he's acting childish is fine, and I agree that he did. But it solves nothing.


A friend of mine and his girlfriend had a safe word - they decided on this technique after their first argument. Usually you hear that used in the bedroom context but for them it was one word that meant "I need a little space but I'll be back". It could be her due to PMS, it could be him because of a bad day. It could one of them felt an argument was escalating to a bad point. They chose a word that was a bit goofy because just saying it would help ease tension or lighten the mood. 

I like the idea. It doesn't imply any fault or problem, it doesn't indicate how LONG someone needs time or if they are just going to go to the next room or for a walk. But the word implied they are willing to talk it out but at that moment they need to cool down. It didn't place blame, just acknowledged that the person using the safe word needed some time to process and think and gain control of their emotions.


----------



## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

I am a guy and it sounds like passive aggressive behavior.
I also have these tendencies. 

A simple touch from my wife used to bring me out of this funk. I do not think a touch is required or even necessary, because the real fault lies with me. However, a simple touch always seemed to help.
Needing a touch or someone to dote on me is very unattractive (for my wife) and I have tried like hell to not ever act this way again.

It's one of those childish tendencies some men have a hard time getting rid of.

I never thought it would take 54 years to start growing up. I guess better late than never.


----------



## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

I'm of a mind that you need to communicate more effectively. It doesn't require long talks, quite a brief and direct one. "Don't treat me that way anymore. Speak your truth so we can address it then and there. I promise to do the same."


----------



## Froggi (Sep 10, 2014)

Peaf said:


> I'm just not sure how dismissing someone's feelings and calling them a child and to grow up is constructive. It seems more damaging than anything. Not sure that "everything is fixed", but I'm not going to stoop to a level of acting just as poorly as he did. I'm really looking for some input as to how to avoid this kind of stuff , or better handle it, in the future. Saying he's acting childish is fine, and I agree that he did. But it solves nothing.



You can use different words. But be straight up.
It is unacceptable for grown ass man to pout over texts.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------

