# Is my husband in an EA? Why does he idolize the OM?



## nancy.ramos (Oct 16, 2012)

I suspect my husband is/was in an EA. He, however, denies it strongly. I have been trying for a long time but couldn't prove it. 

The OW is his first love from college. He is 43 I'm 40 we're married for 17 years and have 2 daughters who are 7 and 10. Ours is an arranged marriage and we come from a very conservative culture. His relationship with OW is not even a real relationship. They didn't say "I love you" in college and didn't live together or anything of that sort. It was more like he had a crush on her. They didn't have any contact after college and recently got in touch. She lives 1000 miles away and there never was any physical relationship (I have no doubt about it)

On few occasions he slipped and said he still has feelings for her and he loves her. According to him, once you love someone you will always love them. One day I heard him telling our 10 year old daughter that love happens only once. When I asked if I am that love he said unconvincingly "yeah...I started loving you slowly..".
He doesn't talk to her often ..maybe once every 2 months. But when he does..he seems to be very happy that day.

Our sex life seems to be fine and I know he is attracted to me physically. But I don't feel connected. It has been like this all along. Not sure if he still was in love with her when we got married and so was not able to emotionally be connected with me. Since he is my one and only, I don't know if this is normal. I cannot discuss this with anyone.

First I didn't see much problem with him talking to her :banghead: But after he started saying these things such as "love happens only once" I told him I'm not happy with him being in contact with her. I think he stopped talking to her. I check his emails and phone and there is no contact.

When I expressed my concerns, he was mad that I am insulting his friendship with her. He said he respects her a lot. Not sure why this respect thing bugs me a lot. As soon as I say his relationship is inappropriate, the first thing he says is that he respects her a lot and she is a very nice person. Obviously, he doesn't respect me.

When I told him how much pain this has caused me he said something along the lines of..I over analyzed this and caused the pain myself. He didn't apologize even once. This has been going on for over a year. There were times when I just wanted to separate but couldn't just do it.

I've had 2 or 3 serious discussions and they ended up in a fight. Another major thing he mentioned was that he did not love me when we first got married. For him, it was only attraction. He said he started loving me only in the last few years. This devastated me completely, especially when combined with the EA. His justification was love doesn't happen immediately. It crushed me to think that it took 15 years for him to start loving me while he can love someone who was just an acquaintance and love her so strongly after so many years. Now I doubt that he must have just gotten comfortable with me but doesn't really love me.

I'm so confused. Am I over thinking it? Is it really an EA? Does he still love her? Why does he idolize her so much?
I'm not getting any information from him and his emails etc look clean.

BTW, it seems that he did the 180 very long back. We are more like room mates except for sex (boring). I never understood before how he could be so disconnected. After I tried the 180 recently, I am starting to understand his behavior.


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## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

And where does any OM feature in this? Is it a typo?

(According to last two lines, it is I guess.)


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## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

And yeah, it's an EA. And a deep one at that. You express concerns and he brings forward some friendship?

Yeah, right.

It would very well be a PA if not for the distance. Shields up.


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## nancy.ramos (Oct 16, 2012)

It was a typo. It should have been OW

How can I change the title?


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## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

I think moderators can edit it, but it may not be necessary. People will understand.


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## goshjosh (Mar 23, 2013)

Sorry you are in this situation, but I am glad you found this place.

It is an EA in my book. Don't let distance fool you, people can fly anywhere, so it could also be a PA.

I am concerned that he is not apologizing. He does not see what he is doing as wrong.

I think you should read 'not just friends'. I have just started it and I think it will shed some light on this for you.

You need to think about what you want. Are you willing to stay with this man? What actions on his part and your part are necessary to stay with him and trust him? Can you be in that kind of marriage? Sometimes D is the only viable option.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Sounds more like she's a fantasy than an actual EA. He really barely even knows this woman. He talks to her once every two months. He's created more of an affair between his ears than anywhere else. I've never had experience with an arranged marriage but wouldn't it be normal to gradually develop friendship and then love in such a situation? Did you two really have a chance to get to know each other and "fall in love" before marriage? If not, his statement that he gradually developed love for you would seem to be an honest one about an unavoidable reality.
That he says he respects this woman doesn't imply that he doesn't respect you. 
There is reality and there is fantasy. His reality is that he's married and he has two children. His reality is that this fantasy of his is interfering with his marriage relationship and it serves no purpose. The reality also is he's talking to her only once every two months, so it's more of an annoyance than a genuine threat. If he were actually "in love" he'd be burning up the phone line or internet with her. I've never been in love with a woman and been content to just talk to her a few minutes every two months. I imagine he seems happy on days he doesn't talk to her as well, so linking his happiness with a phone call every 60 days or so is a bit of a stretch. If he seemed miserable 59 our of 60 days, that point might be a clue.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

nancy.ramos said:


> I suspect my husband is/was in an EA. He, however, denies it strongly. I have been trying for a long time but couldn't prove it.
> 
> The OW is his first love from college. He is 43 I'm 40 we're married for 17 years and have 2 daughters who are 7 and 10. Ours is an arranged marriage and we come from a very conservative culture. His relationship with OW is not even a real relationship. They didn't say "I love you" in college and didn't live together or anything of that sort. It was more like he had a crush on her. They didn't have any contact after college and recently got in touch. She lives 1000 miles away and there never was any physical relationship (I have no doubt about it)
> 
> ...


Your husband has said he loves her and told your child love only happens once. There seems to be a problem, there. May I suggest counselling with someone who specialises in arranged marriages counselling?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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