# Mismatched libidos: What has worked?



## TallJeff (Nov 1, 2011)

I'm new here and it seems the predominant subject is mismatched libidos. 

Instead of threads where someone laments the difference while others make suggestions, I thought we might have a thread where people who were in such a situation an overcame it or found some happy ground might say what has worked for them.

So let's hear it. If you have been in such a marriage, either as the higher or lower drive partner and reached a happy place where you're both comfortable, please share.

What idea / tactic / techniques did you use? Were they easy to stick to? What were the reactions of both the higher and lower libido spouse? How long until you each reached a happy place.

Ideally I'd just love to hear what works here, not things that have been tried and failed. I think this could be a good resource for so many of the threads we see. (worth a try!)

At the very least hopefully we'll hear that some couples have overcome this major problem and that the posters in mixed-libido marriages aren't doomed.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

Here's what we did. I am high, she's low. I could be ready to go 3 times a day, no exaggeration. She would be happy with twice a week.
I have learned to be more desirable to her emotionally. The love making increased and I have even asked her if she is just doing it for me or for her. She said that since I have become more the man she wants, she desires me a lot more.
She puts more effort into making love, her orgasms are stronger, and she told me a few days ago that her libido has increased some more because she is putting more into it, therefore getting more out of it.
I have stronger orgasms as well because my level of arousal is much higher because she's turned on more and doing more. With the quality of our love making being so much better, I am more satisfied and don't walk around perpetually horny anymore.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I'm high, she's whatever is below zero. I have tried everything and finally accepted that I'm just no longer going to be a sexual being but life can still be rewarding and satisfying. I had at least my share of sex between 16-40 and there are loads of dead 18 year old soldiers at Arlington. I'm a 50 year-old soldier and still alive with all fingers and toes. I can't complain. Some people have to visit their wives in graveyards. Mine is not entirely functional but she's alive and life could be worse.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

My husabnd used to be Higher, I was Lower in comparison, He was passive -I had other things on my mnid- we missed each other due to not being open about how we were feeing. I masterbated in the middle of the night many times-feeling he would not want to be woke up (he was always more tired than me), He never masterbated but waited for me -even though he was dying for more sex, he was truly too quiet about it ....

... when we finally opened up about all of this , at my leading, after being married 19 yrs -we were both shocked (that I masterbated & he didn't)! he was thinking my sex drive was LOW and I was thinking his wasn't too high since he was not pestering me much. 


Then ....My drive was WAY higher than his, so much so I sent him to the Encronologist to get this Testosterone checked (he was on the lower end of normal for his age), and I ended up giving him "performance pressure" -but he still wanted to please me. -which we remedied with me learning good flirting skills to help him get his mind off his member, and with the occasional help of some erection enhancers. 

*What works is when both partners truly CARE to please the other, *I learned so darn much from my husband during that time, I felt "Needy' and was tempted to feel like a "burden". He never wanted me to feel this way, infact he told me he didn't want me to use any toys but only him. What a loving beautiful man, I was never rejected. 

I even bought this wonderful book during that time --highly recommend to explore each others Libido styles >>

Amazon.com: When Your Sex Drives Don't Match: Discover Your Libido Types to Create a Mutually Satisfying Sex Life: Sandra Pertot: Books

1. Sensual
2. Erotic
3.Compulsive
4. Dependent
5. Stressed
6. Disinterested
7. Detached
8. Addictive
9. Entitled
10. and Reactive. 

I come to learn I was an "Erotic / Dependent" and he was a "Sensual / Reactive". It helped me understand our roles with each other and me not to get bent out of shape as I was wanting more "male lustful aggression" out of him during that time. 

If your wife is lower, maybe you will be lucky and have her come into that "cougar" stage as she grows older, that is what happened to me. I felt I stepped inside of the body of raging teen male with similar urges . But this only lasted 8 months (I kept a sex calendar), now our drives are on the same wavelength .

When I was younger, as a woman, I really had NO IDEA how strong those urges are for a man & my husband never tried to explain it to me or clue me in (his passive quiet demeanor wasn't helping matters)..... I was NOT getting it, though I needed it at least once a week or I would be after him. I was also somewhat sexually repressed (too much good girl thinking , couldn't let loose) and very sexually UNEDUCATED about men & their drives. Men have 10 times more testosterone than women, Testosterone is your LUST -URGE hormone that drives you to "Need". 

Women seriously do not get it . I only "got it" once I had my "cougar" experience and took to reading about men's sexuality. Women need to educate themselves and care about the deep deep desires of connecting with their men -it is the height of emotional bonding for their husbands. 

ONce they get it --if they truly LOVE, they will never want you to suffer again. That is our experience.


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## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

Several things have contributed to helping us in this area. Let me start out by saying that we got married at 16 and 17 (she was pregnant) and we have been married for 39 years.

My wife (as most women) needs to feel emotionally connected to me to desire sex. In other words, she needs to feel loved. The book, "The Five Love Languages" helped us how to show the other love in a way that made THEM feel loved. It took us about 20 years to discover that one.

I came to the understand that my wife does not have sex at the forefront of her thinking like I do. So she will go ahead sometimes when she does not really feel like it only to discover that she will really get into it once we get started.

We also worked through the book "Your Long Erotic Weekend."

The next book might be "When Your Sex Drives Don't Match." It looks very interesting.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Star, please call me stupid --but what is PST ?? I know you are from another country, so maybe that term is different here ? Does this have something to do with testosterone supplementation ?

So thrilled to hear about this turn around for you both !:smthumbup:


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Star, please call me stupid --but what is PST ?? I know you are from another country, so maybe that term is different here ? Does this have something to do with testosterone supplementation ?
> 
> So thrilled to hear about this turn around for you both !:smthumbup:


Psychosexual Therapy?


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

Star said:


> So from my experience I believe that sexless marriages can be turned around BUT only if both partners truly want to make it work and change the ways things are because with PST, if you are not 100% committed/open to it and working the programme then forget it, it’s not going to work, but if you are both on the same page in wanting to change things for the better than the benefits are amazing.


Not just PST - unless both partners are actively willing to work / make a commitment / put in effort, nothing is going to help. Probably this is the biggest cause of failure of any system - one partner is into it, willing and prepared, the other is going along with no real enthusiasm, to show willing, to appease the other partner or to be able to say "well, we tried (xxx), and it didn't work, so we just have to accept it".



> However going into this is not easy AT ALL, and not for the feint hearted, I consider myself to be extremely open minded and not in the least bit prudish but my god did I struggle with some of the things that I had to talk about and it was at times beyond awful, humiliating, embarrassing, you name it, everything all rolled into one and then there are the emotions you have to deal with sometimes you’ll be on a real high after then others an absolute low that can last for days leaving you feeling completely numb.


Some people wouldn't rate their sex life as being worth any amount of humiliation, embarrassment or struggle. Whether via PST or reading Cosmo, some people just aren't prepared to go through any kind of discomfort to get something better. Like people who accept lousy health because they aren't prepared to put up with the discomfort of controlling their diet or exercising.


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

What has worked for us is:

1) addressing our issues that were getting in the way of our relationship (which inevitably impacted our sex life)
2) BOTH of us taking 100% responsibility for our marriage and sex life
3) both recognizing that neither one of us tries to intentionally hurt or disappoint the other....which makes it easier for us to really understand where each of us is coming from
4) Understanding how to create more safety and trust in the relationship, which enables each of us to be more open and honest about our thoughts and feelings, even if what we need to say is hard to hear

I know this may seem really vague, but the details of our situation are less important than what worked for us. I am a firm believer that BOTH partners play a role in an unsatisfactory sex life. So both partners need to be part of the solution. And playing a role is not the same as "blaming". Playing the blame game keeps you stuck.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

nothing works. you need to give up.


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## TallJeff (Nov 1, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> nothing works. you need to give up.


This isn't a big problem in mine -- it's a minor difference (she would do it once a week, I want it every day, our twice a week pace/compromise is acceptable to me).

Mainly I was posing the question here because it seems like the predominant topic and I thought this perspective might be a helpful one.


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

TallJeff said:


> This isn't a big problem in mine -- it's a minor difference (she would do it once a week, I want it every day, our twice a week pace/compromise is acceptable to me).
> 
> Mainly I was posing the question here because it seems like the predominant topic and I thought this perspective might be a helpful one.


I suppose compromise depends to some extent how _good_ a compromise you can get: if one partner wants three times a week and the other once a week, twice is probably within the precision of the measurement. If one wants it six times a year, the other is every day and the nearest compromise is twice a month, no-one is happy


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

I don't know why - maybe it's the hyper-sexualized culture that we now live in - but most people think that they have to be able to have passionate, sizzling sex all the time, and if they don't feel like that, or if their partner doesn't feel like that, then there's something wrong.

Everybody has their own drive for sex, and it can be affected by many, many things. I think that mismatched libidoes are likely really common and are caused by many things - from hormonal differences, cultural/social differences, relationship issues, daily life issues.

Mismatched Libidos? | hitched

As the above article states, "Perhaps, in your marriage, one partner really does have an uber high libido or absolutely zilch. Chances are though a mismatched libido is no more than a disparity in your relationship that needs to be worked through."

And, if you have a partner who along with you is willing to work through that disparity in your relationship, that is priceless.


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## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

Thanks for the thread, great idea to gather what has worked! It seems that most of the responses are with the HD being the husband, except 1.

Although I wouldnt say my marriage is healed yet, we are on the right path and its working finally)) 

Previously, I had tried jmany things but all the while I was continuing to do the "nice guy" things... cleaning, cooking, groceries etc. That wasnt working...

Last Monday, I stopped grocery shopping, cleaning, cooking his dinner... anything he was used to WITHOUT explaining it. At first, he didnt say anything and just made himself dinner, then there was some resentment/confusion and arguing, but by Friday he was waking up so aroused that he had to have me and had me all weekend and we are now reorganizing our daily tv watching schedule to accommodate both of our desired nighttime routines (his was watching tv and mine includes turning the tv off) We fought this weekend too, but he was way more motivated to resolve than he had been in a long time and didnt withhold sex afterwards... that is a huge step forward. He hasnt been this into me since when we were dating! Note: the arguing also included both of us revealing and owning our faults in our arguing dynamic and how both of us contribute... he had never admitted his part... just wanted me to say sorry and we would move on. he tried that this weekend and instead of moving on, I said no way until he recognized, owned and apologized for his part and made a commitment to not repeating it in the future. Basically, I stopped doing the good Christian thing of humbling myself without expectation of the same from him... I was turning the other cheek before, but in reality it was just letting him walk all over me thinking he wasnt doing anything wrong. Man up!

Im wondering if more of the high drive women on this site try this, and endure the futile resistance (with calm and rationality, ok and a little [email protected] confidence) for the short term, to gain long term happiness... if they might all begin having great sex again! In our case, amazing sex I mean, think about it, the low drive husbands are used to the infrequent sex and dont mind it, trying to fix a sex issue that isnt an issue to them wont work! You have to disrupt something that does mean something to the low drive spouse to get their attention. I resisted trying it bc I was afraid of the consequences (less sex, retaliation etc) and I thought it was kinda mean to be that way, perhaps much like the "nice guys" on this site... but when you have nothing, you have nothing to lose and everything to gain I also realized, isnt the LD spouse determining the HD access to sex mean (to the HD spouse that is)?

I think there are 2 outcomes to manning up... finally both being satisfied or total breakdown... but I was willing to lose the marriage if this didnt work bc honestly, I felt like I already had. My kids deserve our home to be happy and grow up seeing what works, not dysfunction ie a man being cold to his wife. My son needs to see what its like to treat a woman with love and respect, my daughter needs to see how she should be treated, otherwise they will grow up and I will watch them struggle in their relationships. 

So far, so good. Those who have seen my past posts on here, know that more time needs to pass before I can attest to success, but this is the most improved of any prior attempts.


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## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

Runs like Dog said:


> nothing works. you need to give up.


I was so where you are mentally about this. Sometimes that is the palce you have to be before things can get fixed. hang in there!


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Nah, the hell with it. Slap a new coat of paint on a rotted out house it's still going to fall down.


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## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

Runs like Dog said:


> Nah, the hell with it. Slap a new coat of paint on a rotted out house it's still going to fall down.


Instead of slapping paint onto the old rotted wood, build it new! I know, I wouldnt have believed this when I was where you are now... I went out and cheated instead bc nothing was working. Im not advocating that, yes it was fun and created a balance in my marriage (bc I wasnt asking for sex from husband... he came to me alot more), but it gets complicated bc of time and planning and inconvenience etc... takes the appeal out. Not to mention the fact that even if you dont fall in love with the other person (which I never did), its not the one you are living with day in and day out and you begin to resent that you are having happiness with someone that isnt the one in your home. I will remember it forever bc we gave each other attention and consideration that was missing from our marriages, but he was just a bandage, not the cure. 

Please hang in there... get mad, cry shout whatever, but hang in or get out and pray that you dont just find yourself in another "unfixable" situation.


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