# what now? Advice from wayward spouse welcome as well.



## missfittoy (Mar 9, 2014)

So first off second marriage being cheated on. First ended with her leaving for the other guy, divorcing. In the end it was an abusive realtionship so she did me a favor.

Enter current wife. Pretty much everything other was not. Had a child, she decided to quit work till child got older. Moved far away from family and that is when the trouble started. Very isolated. No support and wife wants to go back to work and can't find a job in the area we live.

I sent her away on a girls weekend and when she returned she said she was leaving as soon as our child was out of school. Due to my first experience I knew something was up. Read her e-mail typical I love you crap to a guy and talking about moving together. The girls weekend was without gitls! I went crazy as suspected. She begged to stay we would work on it. I told her to cease contact.

A few weeks had to leave town, now this guy lives 1000's miles away so I figured they may talk but no way they would see eachother. Wrong! Child told me of a baby sitter so I then knew. Went crazy again (nothing violent or threatening either time just usual how could you do this crap).
So once again going to work it out. So I start really treating her well again like when we first got married. We began really talking again. She even commented on how she felt we were friends again. Then she started getting cold again. Checked phone and yep talking again. Same ole I love you forever crap. So this time I just talked. I said for us to continue I would need her to write the OP a no contact letter and I would have access to everything. Until then I was done trying. She kind of went into panic mode. She was wanting to continue to try but did not say anything about my demands. She had said from the beginning she wanted time to think so I just said I was giving her that. I told her I did not need an answer immediately so think about it. I also told her I wanted a list of demands from her on what she needed from me. The problems are obvious we are still in the same house and have to be pleasant for the child. I also am concerned that by me not trying the OP will now have even more of an advantage. I am just tired of trying and continually getting my heart ripped out almost once a week.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

If a divorce petition wont wake her up, nothing will.

Then again i will never understand reconciling after a physical affair myself but its your road.


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## missfittoy (Mar 9, 2014)

Yeah thanks, the problem is I will have to give her support.....that just eats at me she makes the mistake will get the kid and I get to pay and be a part time father.

I was like you but I do love her and due to a child being involved I need to at least give it a shot.


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## adriana (Dec 21, 2013)

Missfittoy, you need to stiffen your spine and file for a divorce as soon as you can. No woman will respect a husband she can play for a fool and it's clear your wife is quite good at doing it.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

missfittoy said:


> Yeah thanks, the problem is I will have to give her support.....that just eats at me she makes the mistake will get the kid and I get to pay and be a part time father.


Unfortunately that's typical.

Even worse is when other guy moves into what used to be your house and becomes a surrogate father to your kid.


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## EI (Jun 12, 2012)

Here is your advice from a former WS. If you allow your wife to continue thinking that YOU will do anything to try to work this out, she will happily oblige you by allowing you to do everything to make the marriage work, including allowing her to continue "talking to" and "seeing" this OM. Why was it "acceptable" to you, for her to even "talk" to the OM, who she had already spent a weekend with, tells him she'll love him forever, discussed moving in with, all while you are away working and earning a living for her, and your child, together? She, likely, paid for the babysitter (with your money) while she was with the OM. :banghead: 

To make things even worse, you seem pleased that she commented that you and she were "friends again." How nice of you to be so accommodating.  That will really make her love and respect you.... *NOT*. You may have put the final nail in your own coffin when you asked for a list of *HER* demands. :slap:

If you want your cheating wife back, you have to stop trying to win her back. STOP IT RIGHT NOW. She is losing respect for you by the minute. I was the WS, please understand that I know what I'm talking about. I'm not proud of it. It was the most horrible, selfish, and destructive decision that I ever made in my entire life. It hurt my husband, my children, and only later did I realize how much I hurt myself, as well. Today, I am so grateful that my husband did not act like a doormat. If he had we wouldn't be together today. 

One more thing, your wife only begs and panics when she thinks you're leaving. But, her continued affair/contact with the OM should tell you that it isn't her "love" for you that makes her want you to stay. It's your ability to support her. Demand no contact right this minute. Insist that she write a NC letter and give it to you to read and mail to the OM. Any hesitation on her part to do so tells you that she does not intend to "end" the relationship. Present her with your list of demands, don't ask her what she wants. If she still says she wants time (or space) to think, then give her divorce papers and tell her she can have the rest of her life. THEN, you'll find out how she really feels about you and your marriage.

BTW, give the OM all of the advantage he could possibly want by telling your wife that she and the OM are "free" to be together. Just make sure your wife knows that you won't be waiting around for her to change her mind. She'll find out very quickly that the OM had no intentions of having any kind of future with her. If he wanted a future with "one specific" woman, he would have found one who was single and available. Trust me. I know!  Now, it's time to put your big boy pants on and man up!

For Geeeeez sakes, I've been on TAM too long. I'm becoming one of "them."


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

:iagree: Give her all the time she wants to decide....up to 10 seconds. Also, what's up with soliciting HER demands for YOU? The other way around, my friend.


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## missfittoy (Mar 9, 2014)

Thank you best advice yet! You are right! Thank you. Hopefully one day I can tell you your mistakes and experiences as painful as they were at least helped me.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

missfittoy said:


> I also told her I wanted a list of demands from her on what she needed from me. The problems are obvious we are still in the same house and have to be pleasant for the child..


No No and a thousand times NOOO


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

A very painful truth you have to embrace......

You cannot save your marriage alone. It doesn't matter what you do, how hard you try, if she wants out she will go, and you can't stop her. If she wants to cheat, she will cheat and you can't stop her.

Based on that, my advice is to decide what you will and will not accept, draw some very firm lines, and stick to them. If it saves your marriage, then good. If not......well it didn't have a future anyway, and no amount if debasing yourself was going to change that.

This doesn't mean it is hopeless. I am happily reconciled, but it was only possible because, ultimately, my wife wants to be with me. You may find the same.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Is it your child? I thought you said she already had a child. This makes a big difference.

If its your child (how old) she needs to be told that her lover of a thousand miles away will have to come to her. She cannot leave the area you live in with out your permission unless she gives up custody.

Get a var to find out what she is really telling posom. If she is a stay at home mom. Put the var somewhere in the house she is likely to make call while you are gone. Get the sony models that around50-60 dollars and buy lithium batteries for it. These have proven themselves. You can find them at walmart and bestbuy. If you put one in her car, use heavy duty Velcro to stick it under the drivers seat.

Have you tracked him down? Is he married? Your second goal is to break them up. Look his number up on spokeo.com. You can use his email address too. Contact his wife/girlfriend and do not tell your wife you are doing it.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

missfittoy said:


> I also am concerned that by me not trying the OP will now have even more of an advantage. .


Hum..... who told you can compete with new love?

The only thing cheater understand is the self respect you have for your self by being tough...cuz if the shoe were on the other foot your old lady would drop you in a heart if you were banging another chick behind her back.

If you try to nice your way out of this she will see this as weak and stupid. Chicks dig confident guys. I bet her boyfriend never asked for a stupid list!!!!!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

missfittoy said:


> Yeah thanks, the problem is I will have to give her support.....that just eats at me she makes the mistake will get the kid and I get to pay and be a part time father.
> 
> I was like you but I do love her and due to a child being involved I need to at least give it a shot.


What shot do you think you have? What have you done to make her second guess her choices? what will get her to think twice in what she is about to lose?

Sorry...your old lady has your number...you ain't going any were! So even if this new guy doesn't work there will always be another guy and another and another. Hell by the time the kids start driving, she will be on her 10th affair cuz she hasn't had any consequences for her behavior.

Well...that's what happened in my case anyway, maybe your wife will all off the sudden be into a man that begs and pleads for her


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

EI said:


> Here is your advice from a former WS. If you allow your wife to continue thinking that YOU will do anything to try to work this out, she will happily oblige you by allowing you to do everything to make the marriage work, including allowing her to continue "talking to" and "seeing" this OM. Why was it "acceptable" to you, for her to even "talk" to the OM, who she had already spent a weekend with, tells him she'll love him forever, discussed moving in with, all while you are away working and earning a living for her, and your child, together? She, likely, paid for the babysitter (with your money) while she was with the OM. :banghead:
> 
> To make things even worse, you seem pleased that she commented that you and she were "friends again." How nice of you to be so accommodating.  That will really make her love and respect you.... *NOT*. You may have put the final nail in your own coffin when you asked for a list of *HER* demands. :slap:
> 
> ...


Wow! Way to woman up. Awesome reply!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Sorry EI...you haven't been here that long!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Just let her go....
It just might save your family.

Especially when the consequences out wieght her rewards.


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## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

EI said:


> Here is your advice from a former WS. If you allow your wife to continue thinking that YOU will do anything to try to work this out, she will happily oblige you by allowing you to do everything to make the marriage work, including allowing her to continue "talking to" and "seeing" this OM. Why was it "acceptable" to you, for her to even "talk" to the OM, who she had already spent a weekend with, tells him she'll love him forever, discussed moving in with, all while you are away working and earning a living for her, and your child, together? She, likely, paid for the babysitter (with your money) while she was with the OM. :banghead:
> 
> To make things even worse, you seem pleased that she commented that you and she were "friends again." How nice of you to be so accommodating.  That will really make her love and respect you.... *NOT*. You may have put the final nail in your own coffin when you asked for a list of *HER* demands. :slap:
> 
> ...


Wow EI, very hard line but the correct way to handle things. The longer the A goes on, the worse it is. A BS expresses love by not sharing the spouse.

If he loves her, he will not allow her to do this. By allowing you are saying the M and the WS are that important and you can take it or leave it.


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## EI (Jun 12, 2012)

the guy said:


> Sorry EI...you haven't been here that long!


Well, very few of us have been around here as long as "_*the guy*!_"


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

So sorry that you get this cheating a second time.

File for divorce, and do the 180.

You have received some very good advice already on this thread.
Follow it.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

*Re: Re: what now? Advice from wayward spouse welcome as well.*



EI said:


> For Geeeeez sakes, I've been on TAM too long. I'm becoming one of "them."


Scary isn't it?


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## Refuse to be played (Jun 7, 2013)

EI said:


> Here is your advice from a former WS. If you allow your wife to continue thinking that YOU will do anything to try to work this out, she will happily oblige you by allowing you to do everything to make the marriage work, including allowing her to continue "talking to" and "seeing" this OM. Why was it "acceptable" to you, for her to even "talk" to the OM, who she had already spent a weekend with, tells him she'll love him forever, discussed moving in with, all while you are away working and earning a living for her, and your child, together? She, likely, paid for the babysitter (with your money) while she was with the OM. :banghead:
> 
> To make things even worse, you seem pleased that she commented that you and she were "friends again." How nice of you to be so accommodating.  That will really make her love and respect you.... *NOT*. You may have put the final nail in your own coffin when you asked for a list of *HER* demands. :slap:
> 
> ...


Great advice. Maybe some of "them" posters just read too many threads similar to this. lol


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

I thought it was three strikes you're out. Must be mistaken.

Id rather pay child support and be a part time dad than a life of full time misery with a woman who has disrespected myself and our marriage at a minimum three times.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

missfittoy said:


> So first off second marriage being cheated on. First ended with her leaving for the other guy, divorcing. In the end it was an abusive realtionship so she did me a favor.
> 
> Enter current wife. Pretty much everything other was not. Had a child, she decided to quit work till child got older. Moved far away from family and that is when the trouble started. Very isolated. No support and wife wants to go back to work and can't find a job in the area we live.
> 
> ...


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

Misfittoy


*You cannot make your wife love you but you can keep your dignity and self respect.*


You have not done anything wrong that justifies her betrayal! According to your posts you have treated your wife fairly.* If you have to try pleasing your wife so that she does not go to the other man then she is not worth keeping.* Secondly, I suspect you may need to get tougher and more self sufficient. You said that your last marriage was abusive and the way you worded it I took it that she abused you. *If that is the case you need to stand up or you can lie down and be a door mat!*

You got a lot of very good responses on this thread and the one by EI is another one of her masterpieces. *If you do not take the advice given and take action you will be another damaged BS with less dignity and self respect.*


*What have you done to stand up for yourself and demand respect?[/*SIZE]


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## missfittoy (Mar 9, 2014)

Thanks to everyone here. I told her to send a no contact letter and open everything tonight. She freaked and claims it is over. Stood my ground and agreed to meet attorney with her unless she could meet my demands. She got mad so if it is over it is over but at least I have dignities left. Thanks to everyone.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Get into therapy and find out why you pick women like your ex and current wife. There has to be a connection.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EI (Jun 12, 2012)

missfittoy said:


> Thanks to everyone here. I told her to send a no contact letter and open everything tonight. She freaked and claims it is over. Stood my ground and agreed to meet attorney with her unless she could meet my demands. She got mad so if it is over it is over but at least I have dignities left. Thanks to everyone.


Do not back down under any circumstances. Her response to your demand to send the NC letter and to open everything tonight, tells you everything you need to know. If this is her decision, then you do not need to spend another day of your life in a marriage being Plan B. 

It may not be over, though. I think she's testing you, now. She thought she had you hanging on, waiting to see if she decided to choose you or the OM. No woman wants a man who is willing to settle for whatever scraps she decides to throw his way. It makes him look weak. Women don't want a weak man. 

My formerly "nice guy, Beta" husband, let me know, in no uncertain terms, that he wasn't going to tolerate a cheating wife. Our marriage had been very troubled, for many years, prior to my A, and my husband would later, and still to this day, owns his share of the breakdown in our marriage. But, he accepts no part of the responsibility of my decision to cheat. The cheating was my failure, not his. 

My BS told me that he wanted to attempt to reconcile our marriage, but his boundaries were 100% clear, and I knew that crossing them, again, would be the end of our marriage. He told me that he wanted happiness and that he hoped to have it with me, but that if I didn't want the same thing, that he would find it with someone else. He never, once, begged me to choose him. The truth is, I fully intended to divorce him before I ever began the A, but not until our youngest son graduated from high school which would have been more than a year after D-Day. My BS even said that we could plan our divorce for the following year, but that as long as we lived under the same roof I would not be sleeping with, seeing, talking to, text messaging, or Facebook chatting with the OM. For the first time in a few years, I found myself becoming very drawn to this "new" strong, decisive, confident husband. I wasn't sure what the Hell he had done to my "former" husband. I barely recognized this man. We began planning our divorce. We were becoming quite amicable at this point. Our communication was better than ever and all of a sudden we couldn't keep our hands off of one another. THIS after more than a year of no intimacy with each other. 

I remember finding myself getting very frustrated one day and I told him that he was "going to make his next wife a great husband." It kind of ticked me off. Then, I said, "Like Hell you are, you're going to make me a great husband." Since that day, I have been doing everything within my power to make him never regret his decision to reconcile with me. You can't "nice" someone out of an affair. In order to save your marriage, you have to be willing to lose it. If you do lose it, it wasn't worth having in the first place. 

I wasn't "in love" with my husband, anymore. I wanted a divorce. Yet, here I am, feeling very much like the lucky one. And, I'll tell ya, I have never felt so loved, honored or cherished in my life.

BTW....... I am deliriously, ridiculously, crazy in love with my husband.


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

Great posts, EI.

OP, my wife commited to our marriage again, so it seems at least, when I stopped wafling around saying "I wish..., I hope... what if..." and the alike. It finally clicked shortly after I read the book "Hold On To Your N.U.T.S" - Non-negotiable Unalterable TermS, I provided her with a short written bulletlist of what she had to commit to in order to keep me in the marriage.

She tested me on it and tried to negotiate it, I told her she was free to cross my boundaries, and free to leave. She finally gave in when I told her that the alternative to the list was the already downloaded divorce papers on my laptop. 

It was a fair list, and I intend to stick to it, even today 2 years past this incident.

If you want a monogamous relationship and she doesn't, it's hard to see how you're gonna make it work longterm.


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## missfittoy (Mar 9, 2014)

Thanks again to everyone for the kick in the Butt. I e-mailed her my demands shin and also told her even if she wanted a divorce if she wanted to continue to talk to the OP she would need to leave. She sent him a no contact email ccing me. She sent me an email saying this did not mean she wanted to work on us but she knew what she was doing was wrong for me and my child. I told her that was fine and when she can meet all my demands we can work on things but if not we could talk to an attorney soon.

For once in along time that aching feeling is completely gone.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Here...

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html

No More Mr Nice Guy

The-Married-Life-Primer


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

missfittoy said:


> Thanks again to everyone for the kick in the Butt. I e-mailed her my demands shin and also told her even if she wanted a divorce if she wanted to continue to talk to the OP she would need to leave. She sent him a no contact email ccing me. She sent me an email saying this did not mean she wanted to work on us but she knew what she was doing was wrong for me and my child. *I told her that was fine and when she can meet all my demands we can work on things but if not we could talk to an attorney soon.*
> 
> For once in along time that aching feeling is completely gone.


No "we"!

You talk to one as soon as possible without her.

Be protective of yourself and your child's interests, not hers.

You can bet her bottom dollar that she will consult with her own attorney.


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## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

Split all of you money 50/50 separate accounts
I would suggest more money but it might be illegal.

One thing i did was hide some money and i am even trying to R. Dam it is hard R that is
and I didn't use bank accounts


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Keep in mind that a "no contact" email is worth the electrons it's made of, if she doesn't buy into it. Technology makes it very easy to create new ways to communicate. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EI (Jun 12, 2012)

missfittoy said:


> Thanks again to everyone for the kick in the Butt. I e-mailed her my demands shin and also told her even if she wanted a divorce if she wanted to continue to talk to the OP she would need to leave. She sent him a no contact email ccing me. She sent me an email saying this did not mean she wanted to work on us but she knew what she was doing was wrong for me and my child. I told her that was fine and when she can meet all my demands we can work on things but if not we could talk to an attorney soon.
> 
> For once in along time that aching feeling is completely gone.


Now, don't go overboard by acting grateful that she sent the no contact letter. She was NOT doing YOU a favor. She was doing the very minimum of what is required of her to continue being married to you..... just for the time being, while you decide whether or not YOU want to work on the marriage. When she says that this doesn't mean that she wants to work on the marriage, you need only to reply, somewhat, non-chalantly, _ "This doesn't mean that I've decided whether or not *I* want to work on us. I'm not even considering working on 'us' until I'm convinced that there are only two of us in this marriage." _ This doesn't need to be in anger, or even sarcastic. In fact, the less bothered you appear to be, the more bothered she will become. 

Now, the guys need to jump in here and guide you towards the 180. That's not my area of expertise.  The idea, here, is for you to get yourself into the driver's seat. Why? Because, cheating is wrong.... period. Under no circumstances is any spouse entitled to believe that they can cheat and then call the shots on the future of the relationship. By giving your wife the impression that you will accept whatever timetable and terms that she is dictating, while she is clearly in the wrong, you are not impressing her with your "love and acceptance." Instead, you are, actually, reinforcing her impression that you are weak. When you start placing a higher value on yourself, she will start seeing you through a very different lens. Why? Hell if I know, but it worked on me! 

My hubby, completely, turned the tables on me. I was pretty fit to be tied, at first, while simultaneously, being very intrigued.  I saw him in a very different light. My infidelity changed him. He dug deep, but not necessarily for me. Yes, I have become the "beneficiary" of his newfound strength, motivation, and confidence. But, knowing that he was going to move forward in that, with or without me, made me all the more determined to ask him what he needed from me, instead of the other way around. 

There is more to our story. My husband had a Testosterone deficiency. Getting treatment for that was a major factor in his ability to handle our situation the way he did. But, his response was clearly effective. And, I could not be happier about it!


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Okay, thanks for the prompt, EI.

Misfit, 

This list should help keep you centered and let her see you will move on. 
180 List


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

1. Go see an attorney by yourself and keep this under wraps.
2. Start to get all your accounts in order, the attorney will need this information.
3. Don't tell her anymore for a list of her demands about you. I understand why you did this but it is from a point of weakness. What your wife has done is 100% on her, she is cheating. Don't tell her to fix this and then ask her what you need to work on about yourself. That can come down the road, but right now, no more words to her about what she needs from you. I have been there and looking back I was pathletic. It is a typical reaction to finding out you have been betrayed, you get into panic mode. YOUR WIFE IS 100% AT FAULT.
4. Start the 180 hard. 
5. No pleading, no begging, no bargains. No more "it is him or me". She must face the consequences of her actions. And please no matter what she says or does, don't forgive her right away if she shows signs of wanting you.
6. Learn the difference between remorse and feeling sorry for getting caught.
7. Don't reveal your hand. Keep everything close to you.

Sorry you are here. It stinks.


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## thebadguy (Dec 7, 2012)

I don't guess I would call it advice, but what good does a no contact letter really do? I figure at best, it gives a false sense of security to the BS and makes the WS more resentful that she was caught. And then the two AP's have a chuckle about it the next time they are in bed. I mean...it is a lot like being made to write sentences on the blackboard. You're just mad you had to do it.

Now...contacting the AP's significant other. THAT is the gift that keeps on giving. If he is single, find his mother. Tell your wife's parents too. Then welcome her to move back to the other town to be with him but your child stays with you and your income stays with you too. That's called setting a precedent.

Which...I don't personally have the cojones to do myself...but it sure feels good to write down.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

missfittoy said:


> 1 - Read her e-mail typical I love you crap to a guy and talking about moving together. The girls weekend was without gitls! I went crazy as suspected. She begged to stay we would work on it. I told her to cease contact.
> 
> 2 - I figured they may talk but no way they would see eachother. Wrong! Child told me of a baby sitter so I then knew. Went crazy again (nothing violent or threatening either time just usual how could you do this crap).
> 
> ...


misfit,

Most every BS makes mistakes in responding to their cheating spouses. I made them for sure. But you need to stop making them.

Forgive the clinical response, but I've listed eight of them above and my explanation below:

1) Not nearly enough of a consequence to her.

2) You figured they would just talk. Why? If you'd laid out your ultimatum appropriately, you wouldn't have "figured" that. The violation of no contact by email/texting should have been enough to start the divorce process on your part. The physical contact? Please.

3) Right now, it's her job to convince you that she is remorseful. If she demonstrates it consistently, and you decide to R, THEN you can start working on your marital issues.

4) See #1.

5) You don't give her time to decide if she will accept consequences and demonstrate remorse. That has to start immediately.

6) See #3.

7) This is typical fog-like thinking on your part. This isn't a competition. The POSOM is not your first concern at this point. Your non-remorseful wife is.

8) You shouldn't allow your WS to have a once a week opportunity to "rip your heart out". You should have already implemented the 180 and started the divorce process. Divorce can be postponed/canceled if she turns around. But you have now erased your line in the sand multiple times. Nothing short of you starting the divorce process will get her attention - if that.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You need to start the divorce process. Now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

thebadguy said:


> I don't guess I would call it advice, but what good does a no contact letter really do? I figure at best, it gives a false sense of security to the BS and makes the WS more resentful that she was caught. And then the two AP's have a chuckle about it the next time they are in bed. I mean...it is a lot like being made to write sentences on the blackboard. You're just mad you had to do it.
> 
> Now...contacting the AP's significant other. THAT is the gift that keeps on giving. If he is single, find his mother. Tell your wife's parents too. Then welcome her to move back to the other town to be with him but your child stays with you and your income stays with you too. That's called setting a precedent.
> 
> Which...I don't personally have the cojones to do myself...but it sure feels good to write down.


badguy--I agree that a NC letter is unenforceable and should not be counted on by itself to ensure the end of an affair. But it does give the BS some sense of control ("for once he/she's doing what I want") and it also draws a line in the sand ("NC means NC. Any more contact and you are history as my spouse").


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

Missfittoy
*Your are getting GREAT advice. I sure hope you take it as you will be a LOT better by following this advice if you R or D.*
Thornburn laid out a great 1,2,3 steps that you can’t miss interpret


My buddy EI gave another masterpiece and I am just going to reprint part of that gem below then comment



> *By EI*
> Now, don't go overboard by acting grateful that she sent the no contact letter. She was NOT doing YOU a favor. She was doing the very minimum of what is required of her to continue being married to you..... just for the time being, while you decide whether or not YOU want to work on the marriage. When she says that this doesn't mean that she wants to work on the marriage, you need only to reply, somewhat, non-chalantly, "This doesn't mean that I've decided whether or not I want to work on us. I'm not even considering working on 'us' until I'm convinced that there are only two of us in this marriage." This doesn't need to be in anger, or even sarcastic. In fact, the less bothered you appear to be, the more bothered she will become.
> 
> Now, the guys need to jump in here and guide you towards the 180. That's not my area of expertise. The idea, here, is for you to get yourself into the driver's seat. Why? Because, cheating is wrong.... period. Under no circumstances is any spouse entitled to believe that they can cheat and then call the shots on the future of the relationship. By giving your wife the impression that you will accept whatever timetable and terms that she is dictating, while she is clearly in the wrong, you are not impressing her with your "love and acceptance." Instead, you are, actually, reinforcing her impression that you are weak. *When you start placing a higher value on yourself*, she will start seeing you through a very different lens. Why? Hell if I know, but it worked on me!



*Infidelity strikes at the heart of your self value.* You get all shook up and start thinking of the things that you did wrong. Thinking about what you did wrong right now is only good to find out what you have to do right now to build yourself up.

Right now you need to know that as far as marriage and relationships go she has pulled a September 11 trade center attack on you. You probably have some things that you need to get right with yourself that you did wrong in the marriage but infidelity is the nuke of relationships and she owns that act all by herself.

I have been for months harping on the BS and even the WS to start immediately building your self respect and integrity up. *That means that you start doing everything that will build you up, body, mind, and spirit.* 


I have also been saying, in most cases, for the BS to concentrate on themselves and their children and do not let the WS that is in the fog come into your building up goals or thoughts. The WS has pulled a 9-11 trade center attack, is in a fog, and *diverting your attention to her and soothing your pain with temporary morsels of R is taking away from you getting better and stronger*.

You are in a war for your emotions and self respect and the only thing that matters right now is you getting better so that you can help you and your children. Trying to appease, or win your WS back that is in a fog is detrimental to your emotional health and well being.

*As you build yourself up you will start defeating the tendency to be weak, be an appeaser, and COMPROMISE*! Furthermore, when you build yourself up any WS worth having will start seeing you through a different lens. I know it will be hard because if she starts doing things that temporarily relieve your fears and pain you will be tempted to run to her’ NOT!!!

Right now, with your wife’s attitude, you are in a war so it is either you or her and you can only help one and that one is you. Helping her, if it ever comes to that, is for later.

*A weak compromising man is not attractive or desirable. A man/woman that has a good self value and has a good degree of self sufficiency is desirable to good people.*


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