# I need some .. O’s.



## Lady2019 (Nov 5, 2019)

Its a long one brace yourselves.
I have been married for 9.5 years together for 11.5. 

My husband has low drive - happy with once a week to every two weeks paired with a foot fetish. It took me a very long time to become comfortable with the fetish play and understand that I was not just a “foot”. 

Now in the beginning he would put effort into me though he has never been all that comfortable doing it, he enjoys when I cum but not so much any tasks other than penetration via finger or man object. I keep asking him to spend some time on me like lets make out, kiss my neck, go down town and its all just forced and feels so unpassionate it makes me uncomfortable and I shut down.

Which is partially my fault I need clitoral stimulation so I used to do it so I could be “ready”. Now I’m just to the point of pleasing him and leaving the room instead of assisting because well dammit I’m dying for someone else to take control. 

He is really submissive and lacks confidence. I’m not sure what I can do to encourage him to be confident and take over??? 

I’ve had a full check up health wise to rule out anything “funky” wrong with me that could be a turn off - there is not. & he confirmed theres not.

We tried scheduled nights to interact sexually with no rules just he takes over one night and I’ll take over the next. He missed all but 3 in the last 3 months his want is just so bloody low that if I am not slapping on some shoes and doing his kink to seduce him, he does not even think of sex until months have gone by. I have a high would love daily sex so we said 2 nights a week one for his stuff and one for mine and well as above he has not really followed through on his end. 

My body definitely has changed in 10 years & 3 kids later that being an issue has been ruled out too my weight gain is not an issue. 

I keep saying lets watch porn to get some ideas but I’m not actually ok with that I enjoy porn alone but I’m having some serious confidence issues with feeling like enough for him so I’m not a naked lady on the TV is a grand idea. 

He refuses to see a therapist. 

So. 

I figured it’d be ok to have a sexless marriage and its not. I’m dying inside, I crave attention from a man - preferably mine. I skipped going out on ladies night because I didn’t trust myself not to cheat just to fullfil that need. I’ve been open and honest with him on this too. He knows I’ve considered affairs to get my needs met yet he still just does not have it in him to be passionate outside of his own desires. 

I’m not genuinely interested in an affair or a divorce its just the “ I NEED a man” moments that get me debating wondering. Our marriage outside of sex is awesome, I couldnt have a better husband we have many mutal interests, our daily lives jive well together and even speaking on the most delicate of topics we manage to communicate open and honestly without a war happening. 

So I’m asking here and maybe someone thats experienced it will be able to offer some helpful advice to help us through this for ideas on working through this and finding a middle ground we are both ok with? What else can we try? 

I’ve asked him if he just wants to call it quits and the answer is always nooo he is happy and wants me to be happy too - he is just struggling to please me sexually.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I don't think you are going to be able to "change" him. Has he always been like this? If he hasn't, and this is a drastic change from how he used to be, perhaps it's a low testosterone issue and if so, happily there are things he can do to get back on track to how he used to be!

If this isn't a change in how he relates sexually, why do you think anything is going to change-- after a decade?


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## Lady2019 (Nov 5, 2019)

He has always been low drive, I don’t think its low T but that conversation has came up as well as something he should get checked. The lack of effort is new within the last 3 years. He used to try and now its just blahh like being touched by a stranger?! I just feel like after this long he’d be past questioning himself to make me happy? I think its a confidence issue is why I think its improvable.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

The MC shouldn't be an option. If he thinks that way, that it's not needed, explain to him nicely that that's part of the problem. Explain to him that you married for more than just his with & charm. And consider the boundary talk. Because you may be concerned he's having his needs met elsewhere, and he might be concerned about the same with you. Work on what's allowed and what isn't. This should at least make him consider what could ultimately happen if he continues to act so selfishly.


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## Lady2019 (Nov 5, 2019)

Casual Observer said:


> The MC shouldn't be an option. If he thinks that way, that it's not needed, explain to him nicely that that's part of the problem. Explain to him that you married for more than just his with & charm. And consider the boundary talk. Because you may be concerned he's having his needs met elsewhere, and he might be concerned about the same with you. Work on what's allowed and what isn't. This should at least make him consider what could ultimately happen if he continues to act so selfishly.


What is MC? 

I have no concerns on him being served else where and I have been open and honest about thinking maybe I should to have my needs met.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

*Re: I need some .. O’s.*



Lady2019 said:


> What is MC?
> 
> I have no concerns on him being served else where and I have been open and honest about thinking maybe I should to have my needs met.


MC= Marriage Counseling. IC = Individual Counseling.

When you say honest about having your needs met, if that means outside of your marriage, you’re talking about breaking your vows and should seek divorce first. If you do this unilaterally, it’s on you (if you go outside the marriage rather than divorce first). Assuming you wish to stay married, he needs to understand there is work for him to do. It’s not an ultimatum; it’s a choice. If he’s not up to it, then he’s given you his choice.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Just throwing this out there.... what do you think of having a “friends with benefit” outside the marriage. Would your husband be ok with this if it’s just sex and no relationship?


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

*Re: I need some .. O’s.*



Lady2019 said:


> I’ve asked him if he just wants to call it quits and the answer is always nooo he is happy and wants me to be happy too - he is just struggling to please me sexually.


Well, first off, if he is low drive he is low drive. That may just simply be who he is and something you simply cannot change. If he really did want to change, stay in the marriage, and make you happy though he should at a minimum get a full hormonal panel done. This could possibly provide some answers as to why is is low drive, and knowing that could lead to solutions.

He may love you, be happy, etc... but if he is no/low drive it is what it is. You can't expect someone who is low drive to just say "OK, I am going to be higher drive now".

Really, the thing that would be concerning to me is if he is just dismissive of the issue and is making no effort to help come up with a possible solution.

Is he by chance on any medication or have any health issues?


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

*Re: I need some .. O’s.*



EllisRedding said:


> Well, first off, if he is low drive he is low drive. That may just simply be who he is and something you simply cannot change. If he really did want to change, stay in the marriage, and make you happy though he should at a minimum get a full hormonal panel done. This could possibly provide some answers as to why is is low drive, and knowing that could lead to solutions.
> 
> He may love you, be happy, etc... but if he is no/low drive it is what it is. You can't expect someone who is low drive to just say "OK, I am going to be higher drive now".
> 
> ...


What is it about sex that we let someone off the hook if they're "low drive?" There are so many things I do for my wife that I'd never be doing if not for her; things I didn't enjoy but now do because it's special for her, because making her happy makes me happy. I think, and I could be totally wrong her, but I think, if I had no sexual function at all, it would still please me greatly giving my wife Os through oral. It's not a tit-for-tat thing. It's doing something that someone you love responds to and maybe even needs. 

This topic comes up so often and it's always treated as a sex thing, but I have to wonder if sex is just a symptom of a much bigger issue. A lack of pleasure and comfort that comes from making someone else happy and comfortable. Yet so many people post that, in every other way, their marriage is great. So perhaps there's actually a revulsion towards sex, not LD?


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

*Re: I need some .. O’s.*



Casual Observer said:


> What is it about sex that we let someone off the hook if they're "low drive?" There are so many things I do for my wife that I'd never be doing if not for her; things I didn't enjoy but now do because it's special for her, because making her happy makes me happy. I think, and I could be totally wrong her, but I think, if I had no sexual function at all, it would still please me greatly giving my wife Os through oral. It's not a tit-for-tat thing. It's doing something that someone you love responds to and maybe even needs.
> 
> This topic comes up so often and it's always treated as a sex thing, but I have to wonder if sex is just a symptom of a much bigger issue. A lack of pleasure and comfort that comes from making someone else happy and comfortable. Yet so many people post that, in every other way, their marriage is great. So perhaps there's actually a revulsion towards sex, not LD?


It could be a myriad of things. It is not about letting someone off the hook. Simply put, if it is something that you are simply not interested in (could be for a variety of reasons), there is going to be very little motivation to do. 

Hey, I am on board with you. If I lost all sexual function I would still do my best to please my Wife. I am saying that though from a POV where sex has always been important to me. Take someone where sex is simply not important, and you will get a much different response. There is a reason why HD and LD people combined in a relationship is usually a toxic mix


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## Lady2019 (Nov 5, 2019)

No friends with benefits we are in a tiny town everyone knows what goes on and I’d like not to shine that type of light on our home. 

No he is not on any meds. 

I don’t agree with LD being a get out of jail free card. I’m not asking him to serve me dialy, I am asking for sexual attention once a week. I service his kink once a week - I think I deserve to also be taken care of. 

I’ve asked him to make time to go get a blood pannel done - he has yet to go as its “embarrassing”. 

I’ve also expressed that he does not need to get or maintaine an erection to satisfy my needs as its not the physical act of sex that gets me to the O anyway. 

If I can learn to have my feet touched and to stand on his face - yes on his face to please him and enjoy the I pleased my spouce happy feeling, I am stunned on why asking for sexual acts back done with more enthusiasm than being served a plate of raw liver is asking to much of someone even with LD at play. 

Let me rephrase this question. What can WE do as a couple to encourage him to build confidence in pleasing me? What can I do to encourage a receiptive partner that does not shut down if I say thats not working? 

He is fine to finger me or have actual sex which I get nothing from I NEED clitoral stimulation. I NEED to be able to lay back relax and let someone else take over my pleasure. He fumbles like a 18 year old thats just been exposed to a vagina. I am doing my best to be kind about it and do the “oo yah” that spot or go here and its all lost information. I also feed off watching my partners find enjoyment - which in this case is limited to foot/trampling fetishisms. I need him to dive in to the rest of me the way he does feet , and I’ve told him all of this. We’ve had open discussions on it and all I get back is I’m trying. 

So is this actually a lost cause? Do i need to walk away from an otherwise healthy marriage?

He is a fantastic husband in all other aspects, we do not fight, he is a great Dad and even with dealing with this delicate situation where we are both frustrated we have been mindful of not taking anything or presenting anything as a personal attack.


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## Tex X (May 17, 2017)

Buy him a copy of 'She Comes First' by Ian Kerner, and tell him no foot fetish action until he's finished the book and starts putting some practice time in on what he learned from the book.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

*Re: I need some .. O’s.*



Lady2019 said:


> No friends with benefits we are in a tiny town everyone knows what goes on and I’d like not to shine that type of light on our home.
> 
> No he is not on any meds.
> 
> ...


Have you looked at watching sex ed videos together (or even done separately)? Not talking porn here, but videos that go in depth showing different techniques, etc...? My Wife and I actually got a series a few weeks ago that we both try to watch when we have some time. 

The challenge, it sounds like you are looking for enthusiasm from him as well. IDK, maybe beyond his own fetishes he in unable to give you this? Maybe it is as simple as he needs to gain confidence in what he is going.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Wait, so has he always fumbled with this, or is it a new thing?


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

*Re: I need some .. O’s.*



Lady2019 said:


> No friends with benefits we are in a tiny town everyone knows what goes on and I’d like not to shine that type of light on our home.
> 
> No he is not on any meds.
> 
> ...


Regular MC or IC might not be adequate. He may, no, I think he really does, need sex counseling. And it's not just "him" that needs it, but you as well, because neither of you are connecting well with the other. You think you're doing what's needed to get him off via his foot fetish, but do you really understand it? And he's clueless about what it takes to please you. There's a feedback loop that's missing. But in the end, he does have a responsibility that he is not meeting, while you certainly appear to be trying to meet his needs.

Regarding counseling and MC in particular, have either of you gone before? It's been a pretty interesting situation for my wife and I. Things you never believed you'd talk about with someone else, and it all comes out in the open. Rather comfortably so. You start looking forward to your next "safe" time to talk about embarrassing issues. Since embarrassment is keeping your husband from having a conversation with a doctor and getting tests done, the MC might be something to put at the very front of your priorities. 

Frankly, if you have the financial means, you should put MC above all other priorities at the moment. Seriously. The MC will be able to recommend more-directed counseling (sex therapist) if needed. Please, don't delay. You speak very highly of your relationship outside of this. Don't wing it on your own. For what it's worth, I was quite proud of the fact that, for 63 years, I never see a therapist or counselor. They were for other people with "real" problems. I was way too embarrassed to think I had problems that I should be telling someone like that. It took a major crisis in our marriage to wake me up, and get me to IC first, then my wife and I into MC. 

TAM is a great resource, but it's not a do-it-yourself tool box for all-things-relationship.


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## Lady2019 (Nov 5, 2019)

No he has not always fumbled. Its like once a year he manages to get past what ever mental block he wont disclose to me and he is amazing. 

As far as not understanding his fetish ohh I so do. I have over 20 pairs of shoes, I keep my feet tidy and make time for a soak and new mani each weekish, I have walked on every inch of his body at his request and done the research to do so in a way that is less likely to cause any serious health concerns, I have even participated in sexual games that involve giantism fantasy play. You can ask that man if he is satisfied sexually and he will not hesitate to say yes. 

I undersrand this is not a fix all forum but real advice is helpful as is discussion in a safe place - its not really something I’m going to spill about over coffee with my Aunt ya know!


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## Lady2019 (Nov 5, 2019)

EllisRedding said:


> Lady2019 said:
> 
> 
> > No friends with benefits we are in a tiny town everyone knows what goes on and I’d like not to shine that type of light on our home.
> ...


I think the enthusiasm is a road block and possibly something he will not be able to work past. 

Which video set did you discover? Those maybe worth a try.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

If he were just low drive and not interested in sex, that would be one thing. But that he is up for it (pun intended) when it benefits him solely and passes on the times he has to actually give of himself and be considerate of you, then that shows he's just selfish. 

A selfish lover is what you have, not a low drive one and not an unconfident one. Once you stop trying to define it for yourself and see him for what he is, you will be able to confidently be more considerate of yourself and your needs.

You don't want to have an affair and you don't have to. You and he can agree on you seeing someone outside the marriage. He probably won't agree since he's so selfish. If I were you, I would do what I need to do and tell him I'm going to. That way, he will know and you won't be going behind his back.

I once dated a minute man, so there was nothing at all I got out of sex with him because he didn't do oral. That he didn't do oral was enough reason for me to break up with him. That he couldn't last more than a minute or two was the death knell of our relationship. I don't tolerate selfish lovers, so I can't imagine how you got to the point of marrying this man. You did and now here you are 10 years later. It's time you thought of yourself because he is never going to.

As far as getting his T levels checked, you be the one to make the appointment. Take him if you have to. If his levels are within normal range, then why not just get him some viagara or cialis. A man doesn't have to have ED to those to use them. They can be used as a supplement. There are also herbal supplements. These will help improve his libido to increase the frequency, but they can't improve his selfishness. Since you need clitoral stimulation, there are no supplements to increase his desire for that. It's time to start thinking about you.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

*Re: I need some .. O’s.*



Lady2019 said:


> I think the enthusiasm is a road block and possibly something he will not be able to work past.
> 
> Which video set did you discover? Those maybe worth a try.


They were videos by Susan Bratton on PersonalLifeMedia. I think the videos were Steamy Sex ED - Red Hot Touch, Steamy Sex ED - Oral Sex, and Expand Her Orgasm Tonight. Funny enough, my W and I were joking about it after we had sex how in the throws of "performance" we were trying to go back to the mental notes we took when watching the videos (was that twist, blow, tug, or tug first) lol.

Force his hand and get his hormone levels checked as well. This has to be non negotiable. It will also be very telling if he comes back with Low T or other possible issues (Thyroid) and is unwilling to do anything about it


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

*Re: I need some .. O’s.*



Lady2019 said:


> What can WE do as a couple to encourage him to build confidence in pleasing me?
> 
> What can I do to encourage a receiptive partner that does not shut down if I say thats not working?
> 
> ...


Okay, so I think I understand more now that I read this post. The thing is, nobody does anything well or with confidence until they learn how to do go about accomplishing the objective. When it comes to oral, he doesn't have to enjoy doing it. He just has to know how to do it. Once he learns how, he just might - just might - enjoy pleasing you and become more willing to do it. 

I've had enough lovers who didn't know how, but at least they tried. Oral sex was usually a routine part of the love-making session. They did it even though they didn't know what it was all about. So, you may be right in terms of it being about his lack of confidence, but I'm still not quite convinced. Nevertheless, he still needs to learn how to do it. If he still refuses, then you'll know whether it's a matter of confidence or selfishness.

I was going to just excerpt and paste the cunnilingus portion of my post but since you say you get nothing out of intercourse, I think you and your husband both might benefit from some pointers in the areas of vaginal orgasms. There are many, many, many women like yourself who say they can only O from clitoral stimulation because they don't have vaginal orgasms. I thought the same thing about myself at one time....for a very long time. After I (very surprisingly at first) began having vaginal orgasms, my opinion obviously changed. I now know that just because a woman does not have vaginal orgasms doesn't mean she can't. Women need to know it's more than likely possible, and they and their partners need to know how to accomplish them. When it comes to sex and oral sex, it could be a simple matter of learning some techniques. Once you begin having vaginal orgasms, you'll learn your body well enough to devise your own techniques or at least be able to tweak the ones you already learned to suit and serve your body in the best ways.

So read *my post here* and glean from it as you like. Adjust according to your personal needs and preferences.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

*Re: I need some .. O’s.*

Just skimming, but I see you indulge his kink once a week. Why not demand that he take care of you first, and then you'll take care of him. Require a fair exchange, or none, unless MC or testosterone therapy makes a difference.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Best advice so far!!!!!



Married but Happy said:


> Just skimming, but I see you indulge his kink once a week. Why not demand that he take care of you first, and then you'll take care of him. Require a fair exchange, or none, unless MC or testosterone therapy makes a difference.


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## Lady2019 (Nov 5, 2019)

We’ve tried the me first then you. It got got the point of being frustrated with the whole I’m always initiating things because I’d have to start that too. So we went to 2 nights a week one for him one for me. His night I initate and make sure all his needs are met with no concern for myself and in turn he does the same for me - except he doesnt initate on his nights. Out of 3 months he did 3 of his days and only one was successful the other 2 .. well it he didnt take time to warm me up and i feel like a broken record about it so we were intamite with no finish line. 

As for the long post about vaginal orgasms. I’ve had them - I just cannot seem to attain them until some clit action has happened it warms me up and then I can go a few different ways and mutliples 🤤 I used to shoot out fluid too but that has not happened in years. 

I tried talking with him again today and its still the same.
Maybe he is a lazy selfish lover that just doesn’t care? Idk. Chatting here has definitely helped me get things out though so thank you for the discussion regardless of what happens with us next.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

*Re: I need some .. O’s.*

I will add that if nothing works - not you first, then him, MC, T therapy, etc. - then you have a good reason to consider divorce. Sometimes filing is a wake-up call that can be a catalyst for change, when nothing else works, so it can be a tool as well as a final solution.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

*Re: I need some .. O’s.*



Lady2019 said:


> As for the long post about vaginal orgasms. I’ve had them - I just cannot seem to attain them until some clit action has happened it warms me up and then I can go a few different ways and mutliples 🤤 I used to shoot out fluid too but that has not happened in years.


So, maybe I'm confused again. You responded with respect to my "long post about vaginal orgasms," when I thought what you described regarding oral sex was that he's not confident and fumbles at it. But you didn't respond to me about that. There are instructions in that post to teach him how to do it so he can be more confident and get better at it. It begins at the 8th paragraph.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

*Re: I need some .. O’s.*

Get a wand and while he's sucking your toes, use the wand. Of course you two can get into wife sharing. Men with low sex drives, married a long time, are often turned on and relieved to allow another man to do what a husband with a low drive can't do. Sounds like such an arrangement may work for you guys.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

*Re: I need some .. O’s.*

Its also not uncommon for someone to be both low drive and have that make them selfish. For many years since my wife was much lower drive than me, she could get pretty much anything she wanted, whenever she wanted, and I had to be happy with what little she was willing to do , or be content completely sexless. (things have gotten somewhat better).

A sexual mismatch is a very difficult problem to fix, and for many people is never fixed. I don't really have much of a suggestion for the OP, except to be realistic and accept that its very unlikely he will change. Its not fair, but that is likely the reality - so give that miserable starting point she needs to decide what choices to make. 



StarFires said:


> snip
> A selfish lover is what you have, not a low drive one and not an unconfident one. Once you stop trying to define it for yourself and see him for what he is, you will be able to confidently be more considerate of yourself and your needs.


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## Mybabysgotit (Jul 1, 2019)

There was a brief time in my marriage that I didn't/couldn't have sex with my wife much less giving her oral and I love giving oral, even more so that receiving. This happened about 10 years ago and lasted about 6 or so months, but for some reason, my wife developed a very bad smell down there and it just totally turned me off. In this time, she was wondering what happened to my sex drive and why I never wanted to do anything. Because this was nearer to the beginning of our marriage, I didn't have the guts to say what the problem really was so I kept quiet. 

Not saying this is the issue, but it maybe some other obstacle that he's too embarrassed to say anything about. Talk to him, assure him that whatever it is, let's talk about it and no matter what he says, you won't be mad at him for it.

If it doesn't work, tell him that you didn't sign up for this and you're not living your life under these conditions. In so many words, tell him that in your eyes this constitutes failure on his part to keep up with normal marriage conventions and if he doesn't work on it, you'll have to take matters in your own hands.


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## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

*Re: I need some .. O’s.*



Lady2019 said:


> Its a long one brace yourselves.
> I have been married for 9.5 years together for 11.5.
> 
> My husband has low drive - happy with once a week to every two weeks paired with a foot fetish. It took me a very long time to become comfortable with the fetish play and understand that I was not just a “foot”.
> ...


My hubs gets hung up on trying to please me from time to time and it intimidates him enough that he has - at times - avoided having sex with me so he won't "fail" What I found out was that he was masturbating to satisfy himself, though, and it wasn't that he had low drive.

Now, I will say that my husband did get his testosterone checked and he administers testosterone to keep that in check. 

We do a lot of things to work on our sex life. I sympathize with you guys feeling down in the dumps and discouraged - and I want to encourage you to hang in there and keep going at this.

I suggested to my husband that he read "She Comes First" and he started it and continues to read it. His cunnilingus skills improved DRAMATICALLY and I told him so and it's obvious from my reactions to what he is doing also. This has improved his confidence. I, too, require clitoral stimulation to cum so this was an important factor. Prior to our discussions, I think he just never realized what causes women to cum. He had the impression it had to do with PIV no matter what the entry position. Personally, I need pretty good pressure on my clit to orgasm ultimately - although I get a lot of pleasure from many different things.

I also love to be talked to in short, dirty basic language during sex - and we have found some porn videos where guys are doing this so he can see how it works. None of his previous lovers ever required or discussed any wants with him so he's never been challenged to do something other than basics. Now that he's seen a couple of guys making nasty low-brow comments while sexually jamming and seeing the women's reactions of getting ragingly more heightened, I think he's willing to start trying this a bit differently. It's been difficult for him because it doesn't come naturally. 

The big thing we were struggling with was a lack of openness about what was really going on sexually. I didn't know how often he was masturbating and what exactly that meant to him - which what it meant was that sex was simple and quick and not challenging like actual interactive sex. Even though he liked it, he had a lot of anxiety over it, not having been ever asked by a lover to do something in a particular way. He didn't feel up to the tasks and became too anxious to pursue. So, he retreated into masturbation and safe fantasy relationships where the women were always pleased without any effort on his part.

We are now having sex 2-3/daily. I know that seems like a lot by most people's standards and it probably is - but we are doing what we feel like doing when we want. I get really horny in the middle of the day and he comes home for lunch to give me relief. Some mornings he wakes up horny and gives it to me good before he leaves for work. And every night, we have some more if we aren't too tired or sleepy. 

But this is a hard fought battle overcoming a lot of insecurities and him getting rid of the daily masturbation. He is doing a reset boot camp where he abstains from masturbation for 90 days to reset his brain neural pathways. That's a topic in and of itself.

Truly, hang in there - you guys can do this and once you do, a new world of sexual satisfaction will open up for you.

BTW - he's telling the truth - there's nothing wrong with you or your body, let that go. It's just the two of you needing to find the new path way for your sexual expressions with each other. Here's to kinkier days ahead. It's gonna be all right.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

You say he is a bit fumble handed, lacks some confidence, and you need some O’s.

My question would be: Do you think he enjoys seeing you pleased or having those O’s?

I know this is only a bandaid for a larger problem but have you considered letting him use a vibrator on you? Maybe he’ll get a little enthusiasm back if he is in control of your O’s. You wouldn’t have anything to lose. As my wife put it after her first time....it’s very effective!!!!


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

Forgive my speculation but I don’t believe a man could be so uninterested in sex with his wife unless one or more things are happening:

1. He’s cheating
2. He’s secretly into porn and masturbation
3. He’s very ill or very unhealthy 

The fact that he has a bit of an unusual fetish would lead me to believe #2. Just about every man I know will get almost into a “rage” lol without sex. I just really believe that his “energy” if not expended with you literally has to be getting directed elsewhere. I mean males of many species will fight nearly to the death for mating rights but modern men are taking care of their urges themselves via porn/masturbation. It’s almost a mental illness I think.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Since he has a true fetish, he’s likely not ever going to be interested in anything but that. Does his fetish also turn you on? If it does then you have something to work with. If it doesn’t and you are just doing it for him, it’s not likely that continuing to fulfill his fetish will ever turn into him wanting to fulfill your needs also.

A true fetish where the person cannot get aroused without it is extremely limiting. It sounds like that’s what is going on here.

I’m sorry but all his promises of doing it your way are just hot air. He honestly doesn’t get aroused that way.

You’re going to have to decide if doing it his way and not yours forever is something you can live with.


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## Lady2019 (Nov 5, 2019)

I’ve been reading all the replys and want to say THANK YOU. It was definitely benifical to have somewhere safe to vent off at & get some feedback. I will say too, the ones that suggested his needs were being filled else where do not know this man. I am his one and only partner he waiting until 24 years old to explore sex - he has loads of self control and ultimately I believe risking exposing his fetish held him back as well..... I know i fullfill his fetish stuff I am VERY open sexually and do my best to embrace it as it progresses - I wouldnt want anyone to feel as frustrated as I have been..... I ended up going about 8 shades of crazy about it 2 weeks ago, I am not one to go nutty so I think it reinforced how desperate I was to find a resolution before calling it quits. now and since then he has really put in the effort and pushed past his discomforts to fill my needs. 🙂 So thanks again peeps hopefully I’ll be able to chime in and help some people on here too.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Lady2019, one other thing I thought about -- could your H be a submissive? I'm wondering that YOU are waiting for HIM to take the lead, but he really wants YOU to dominate and lead him? You should talk to him about this if you think it is a possibility.
You DID mention:
"
He is really submissive and lacks confidence. I’m not sure what I can do to encourage him to be confident and take over???
"

I just wonder if he wants YOU to take over?


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## Lady2019 (Nov 5, 2019)

jlg07 said:


> Lady2019, one other thing I thought about -- could your H be a submissive? I'm wondering that YOU are waiting for HIM to take the lead, but he really wants YOU to dominate and lead him? You should talk to him about this if you think it is a possibility.
> You DID mention:
> "
> He is really submissive and lacks confidence. I’m not sure what I can do to encourage him to be confident and take over???
> ...


Yeah he is very submissive I take control all the time and I’m tired if it.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

*Re: I need some .. O’s.*

Not much to add to everyone's comments, but happy to see things are turning the corner a little. I don't blame you, I don't really initiate, but that doesn't mean I don't want sex. My husband has always initiated, but I'm sure if I shrugged him off a lot, but asked him to please me...he might be hurt/angry/resentful. It's very natural to feel the way you do...and I truly hope things get better. A healthy sex life needs to be mutually rewarding and intimate.


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## Firebird85 (Nov 20, 2019)

Hi.

Sorry if this has been asked before but does your husband take any meds for depression, anxiety or pain. Some of those can cause a decreased libido as can Propecia for hairloss. I had to quit taking Propecia because my sex drive tanked. Also, low testosterone will cause a low sex drive in a male. I hope your husband is healthy mentally and physically. Best of luck to both of you!


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## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

I had a similar issue with my husband (low-T) and it does make a big difference. His T levels were under 100 at 26! I highly suggest getting checked out. Low-T causes so many other issues aside from low libido and impacts his quality of life. I do not believe MC will do anything for this situation. he knows you want intimacy, but he doesn't feel the desire. MC would likely make the issue worse!

Our marriage greatly improved after continuous low-T therapy. We went from 4 times a month to 2-3 a week! I do think he has a naturally lower drive, but he at least gets into the moment now.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

*Re: I need some .. O’s.*



Lady2019 said:


> Yeah he is very submissive I take control all the time and I’m tired if it.


I get it. I really do. The problem is that you're in need of a Dom and you married a sub. This is just his nature. He may be able to learn to pretend Dom you, but he's not naturally dominant so it may be enough to keep you from starving to death, but it would never be what you really want. That said, many people in love settle for what they can get.


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## red oak (Oct 26, 2018)

*Re: I need some .. O’s.*



Lady2019 said:


> What is MC?
> 
> I have no concerns on him being *served* else where and I have been open and honest about thinking maybe I should to have my needs met.


I wasn’t going to get in this conversation, However, there are some things keep jumping out at me. 

In many of your comments the words served, service and serve are used regarding him pleasing you sexually, or him being pleased by another woman. 

Combined with the whole of the information it paints a picture of what’s going on and could allow one to improve the relationship. 

How would you feel if he was telling you he wants you to serve, or service him whether by speech or actions?

In a hardcore bdsm relationship that is how many would treat a sub/slave.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

He gets something from withholding himself from you. He gets something from requiring you to consistently provide for his sexual pleasure in a way that is “just this, not that.” His behavior effectively controls the outcomes. Some outcomes are your dissatisfaction with him, your suffering, you displaying loyalty to him despite the painful cost.

I guess he doesn’t consciously see it that way. If he did, I’d say he is a sociopath. More likely, he has powerful unconscious motivations for evading awareness and change. It all protects him somehow, from something he fears, fears to even see.

I’d pursue shining a light on those aspects. “What Is it you are getting from denying me what I need to feel fulfilled? What do you get from resisting even discovery of that which is so important you are willing to be cruel to the one you profess love?” Challenge him to name it. Gently inquire if he gets some sort of pleasure seeing you jump through hoops while getting no pleasure and joy for your own. Does he enjoy you being unfulfilled but eager to endure it to be with him? Does that calm a hidden fear?

Until he faces himself and has the decency to own certain uncomfortable aspects of this, progress will be evasive and that will be costly to you both.

Starving a partner for intimacy doesn’t end well.

Just my opinion/wild guesses. Ymmv.


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## Lady2019 (Nov 5, 2019)

Serve or service is just general words we use between the two of us lol he is a machine person we tend to use terms like “:service” or “tune up” what ever as code words against little ears.... 

That being said he is super submissive and enjoys being little fantasies / being stepped on, masturbating while i stand on his face. Things of that sort, other than the fantasy of being tiny he is not into humiliation at all - like name calling or kicking ect. 

He has been much better for a few weeks now as in he is trying I still have a hard time relaxing into it and feel how much he has to try - but trying is better than nothing and maybe if he keeps at it it will come more naturally over time. 

I’ve read many times that people with demanding jobs / management positions prefer being submissive in the bedroom as a safe weak spot if that makes sense? Maybe that is whats happening. 

Either way as long as he keeps trying so will I.


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