# i show my love through physical acts yet my wife shows her through emotional



## carpentermike (Jun 14, 2021)

Ive always been a logical man of little words. Always been taught physical actions speak more than words so i show my love through working hard, taking care of my family and physical touch. feelings are tough for me to understand weather it be my wifes, friends, family or even my own. ive strived my whole life learning how to fix tangible things cuz thats what makes sence to me. 
In the beginning of our relationship she was always impressed/turned on by my knowledge/ability to do just about anything with my hands. i must admit her admiration of me fed my ego and made me fall in love with her. thinking i had a women who admired me and needed me. 
looking back i know the day it all changed. when i told her i loved her. this took me 2yrs to tell her. slowly the power started shifting. the things i did seemed less impressive. more was asked/demanded from me. sex started to slow down. basically it took me to long to realize she has a serious control problem while having anxiety of making any final decisions.
i have problems with confrontation. she has no problem saying exactly how she feels nd i tend to go blank when put on the spot to rebudle in an argument. when i cant think of anything i just get angry which never ends well. mainly yelling **** that just makes things worse. 
ive started seeing a shrink to help with my problem nd it has so far. problem is im now standing up for what i want but it seems to make her pissed at me more cuz im still bad at explaining my feelings. its like being back at middle school math class nd the teacher asks to show your work(i always excelled in math but got Cs cuz i never showed my work, did it all in my head.)
i want to make it work with her shes the strongest sexiest woman but im running out of energy trying to express my feelings nd getting nothing in return


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

So give it some time, you’ve only just started, you’re not going to be able to express your feelings that quickly and get results, given this is a life-long pattern, you’ve been this way a long time. Remember, she’s been dealing with a shut-down person her whole marriage, gentle, easy does it.

Don’t get mad at her if things aren’t going your way straight away. Keep going don’t quit, go easy on yourself and her, you’re still getting a little mad too quickly - that was the old you. Great that you love her, time and patience my friend.


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## aaarghdub (Jul 15, 2017)

Sounds like she may have an avoidant personality.

Then tendency is to front-load the emotion and desire until they get a commitment then all of a sudden a switch flips and now you’re suddenly too close. This is EXACTLY what my spouse did to me. 

“Putting you on the spot” is a tactic used by avoidants and insecure people use on you in order to control the argument. I once was ambushed and was prohibited from using any notes I had in a journal. Pure control.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

carpentermike said:


> i have problems with confrontation. she has no problem saying exactly how she feels nd i tend to go blank when put on the spot to rebudle in an argument. when i cant think of anything i just get angry which never ends well. mainly yelling **** that just makes things worse.


This sounds like she's not clearly expressing herself, at least not in a way that you can relate to or know how to respond to. Yeah, don't let your frustration with expressing yourself turn into anger towards her. That's not fair. She is probably doing the same thing though. Instead, ask her exactly what she wants/needs and tell her what you want/need.

One good way to de-escalate an argument is by reminding yourself, and maybe her by saying it out loud, 'we are on the same side. We are in this together.' Because honestly, there is no real winner in an argument. You both end up hurt and upset, even if you think you won by shouting her down. 

Try to talk in calm, gentler ways, instead of making it sound like an attack. You don't want to make each other defensive. Maybe go out and chat over coffee a couple times, since you won't want to yell and such in public - and make a pact to never call names. Learn to speak to each other with love. Talk to her how you want her to talk to you.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

carpentermike said:


> Ive always been a logical man of little words. Always been taught physical actions speak more than words so i show my love through working hard, taking care of my family and physical touch. feelings are tough for me to understand weather it be my wifes, friends, family or even my own. ive strived my whole life learning how to fix tangible things cuz thats what makes sence to me.
> In the beginning of our relationship she was always impressed/turned on by my knowledge/ability to do just about anything with my hands. i must admit her admiration of me fed my ego and made me fall in love with her. thinking i had a women who admired me and needed me.
> looking back i know the day it all changed. when i told her i loved her. this took me 2yrs to tell her. slowly the power started shifting. the things i did seemed less impressive. more was asked/demanded from me. sex started to slow down. basically it took me to long to realize she has a serious control problem while having anxiety of making any final decisions.
> i have problems with confrontation. she has no problem saying exactly how she feels nd i tend to go blank when put on the spot to rebudle in an argument. when i cant think of anything i just get angry which never ends well. mainly yelling **** that just makes things worse.
> ...


 She probably needs to join you in the therapy as well, especially a marriage therapist. While you have a specific problem to overcome, you both need to learn how to communicate with each other. This is a skill not an instinct.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

this actually is SUPER COMMON thing.
read the book "the five love languages". it will explain it all.


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## carpentermike (Jun 14, 2021)

Talker67 said:


> this actually is SUPER COMMON thing.
> read the book "the five love languages". it will explain it all.


funny enough 3 people now have told me about that book.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

they keep mentioning the book because one of the types of people are those that get satisfaction by doing things for their loved one. and when that loved one does not do things in response for them, they feel unloved. but the spouse probably IS showing their love, but in a very different way. i.e. you two are miscommunicating.


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## carpentermike (Jun 14, 2021)

Talker67 said:


> they keep mentioning the book because one of the types of people are those that get satisfaction by doing things for their loved one. and when that loved one does not do things in response for them, they feel unloved. but the spouse probably IS showing their love, but in a very different way. i.e. you two are miscommunicating.


i read the key notes, i get people express there love in different ways im just having trouble figuring out how she does. then because i cant see it i get to thinking she doesnt love me anymore, just pretending to or lying to herself that she does just to keep the life shes used to/comfortable. 
ive talked to her about it nd she says she loves me but simple things like hug or kiss hello/goodbye doesnt even phase her to do. or even saying hello when i get home. idk she tells me shes got her own personaly issues that she has to work on but doesnt look like shes doing anything about it.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

well yes, you are not going to easily "see" how she expresses her love, because it is so different from the way that you do it. Assuming she does love you, you two have to work it out. In that book there is a test you can take, and it identifies the individual's love language. after that, then you can develop coping mechanisms....

i have a theory that sex rights all wrongs. how about instead of trying to think it all out, just work on that one thing -- having better and more frequent sex. see if that does not improve things....


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

carpentermike said:


> i read the key notes, i get people express there love in different ways im just having trouble figuring out how she does. then because i cant see it i get to thinking she doesnt love me anymore, just pretending to or lying to herself that she does just to keep the life shes used to/comfortable.
> ive talked to her about it nd she says she loves me but simple things like hug or kiss hello/goodbye doesnt even phase her to do. or even saying hello when i get home. idk she tells me shes got her own personaly issues that she has to work on but doesnt look like shes doing anything about it.


Sounds like you need therapy together. 

She should work on showing you your love language and you should continue to work on expressing your feelings. You need to get her to agree to this though.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Also, whenever Im in a new relationship I always talk to them about what specifically makes them happy and feel loved. It’s a great conversation to have, because one wastes their time doing things that aren’t making the other person feel loved.

I feel loved when…. 
What makes you feel loved?

Have this convo with your wife.


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