# Should I forgive her?



## jasonus03 (Jan 14, 2009)

Okay, here goes. I'm not usually the type of person that seeks help for things like this, but I am going through a whole range of emotions and I am very confused, angry, and hurt. 

My fiance and I have been together for over two years now. I love her very much and up until now I have completely trusted her. I never thought she would do anything that would possibly destroy our relationship, but she did.

For a good while now she's been acting kind of funny. She's been very temperamental and edgy. I thought it was something to do with me and it kind of is. You see, I like video games and fideling with the computer. And I think I may have gave those things more attention than her. I'm also in the Air Force and I'm going to college full time so giving her time can be an issue sometimes. But I have NEVER done anything that I thought would hurt our relationship. Never cheated, never kissed anyone else, nothing of the sort. 

Now that you know what may have triggered it, here is what she did. She's a bartender/waitress at a local restaurant and grill. As all of you know waitresses get hit on a lot by men who eat at the bar or restaurant. Well, this is how it all started. A guy started coming in and eating there frequently and always sat at her tables. When she worked the bar he would come in after work and sit, drink a beer, and talk to her. This has been happening for two solid months. Well, a few weeks ago this guy told her he liked her and she told him she was engaged and couldn't do anything with him and that he should stop coming in. 
Despite this he kept coming in and talking to her. She told me the reason she said this to him is because she started really liking him and she was scared that it would go too far.

I have been out of town for 2 weeks with the military. This past Saturday night my fiance was working at the bar. This guy was there again and when he finished eating he came up to the bar and asked her if she had a minute. She followed him outside where he told her that he really liked her and that he wanted to be more than friends. 

Her words were, "I like you a lot too, but I am engaged." That's when he leaned over and kissed her. She pulled away and told him that she didn't want to see him again and that she was now going to have to tell me because this complicated things. 

I questioned her about this. She said that she did like him because he talked to her and made her feel good. She was very attacted to him. She also said that she looked forward to him coming in to eat and was happy to see him. 

This has been happening for two months. Through my birthday, Christmas, and everything else. I suspected something was wrong and even asked her several times and got nothing. I never thought this could happen. 

She told me that she is still in love with me and that she wants to work it out. And she is a very good girl. But my problem is that if she is in love with me then how in the hell could she do something like this? 

I understand that you can be attracted to someone else while you are in love with another. These things happen. 

I feel like this is the guys fault because he kept pushing. He knew she was engaged and did not care. I really want to find him and beat the dog crap out of him. And I still might.

But I also feel this is her fault too. She led him on and made him feel like he had a chance. And I can't get over the fact that she actually liked him. Part of me said that I should call it quits and the other (stronger) part of me says I should forgive her and try to mend our relationship. 

Also, she is the one that told me all of this. It took me two hours to pry it out of her. I am still away from home and I will not be back for another two days, which makes it even harder. I really love this woman and I want to marry her. But I feel betrayed. I gave her all of my trust and she is the first woman I have ever fully trusted. I am still in complete shock. I feel like all of the trouble we have been having is related to this and it angers me.

My rational is that she could have kept this a secret. She didn't have to tell me, but she did. That tells me she loves me. She chose me over him which tells me she loves me. She said she would never make this mistake again. I told her that I forgive her, but if she ever done it again it's over. I told her that she better learn from this mistake. I also said we could take this and use it to make our relationship stronger. As you can imagine I'm having a hard time with that right now. But, with time it will. I'm a very strong person, but I'm hurt really bad. It's affecting my work and I can't sleep or eat. 

I want to stay with her, but how can I heal and forgive her without destroying our relationship in the near term. I'll be home on Friday and I don't know how I am going to act around her. I really need some good advice so I can get through this pain and be okay when I get home. I don't want to keep bringing this up when I return home because I'm afraid it'll push her farther away. I want things to go back to the way they were. But how can I fully trust her again? How can I forgive her? I know she still loves me and wants to put this behind us, but I having a very hard time with it.

I understand people can become infatuated with others. Is that what this was, an infatuation? 

Also, I told her that I will do what I can to give her more attention. No more computer or video games. I realize that if we are going to make this work I have to do my part too. 

I told her that it's going to take a long time for me to fully trust her again and that I will be watching her. Not stalking or checking her phone, but paying attention nonetheless. 

This guy came into her work and talked to her. I may start doing that, he seemed to be on to something there. But I feel that by doing that I am trying to increase my chances of running into him. Which is kind of true. I want to hurt him, but I don't want to go to jail. If I run into him I really don't know what I'll do to him. I do feel he might keep coming in to see her regardless of her rejecting him. I would like to be there to set him straight. But that may damage our relationship further, which is the last thing I want. 

What should I do to make this better? Or is it even possible? I can't stop thinking about it and it's consuming me. I am being nice to her on the phone and I'm really trying to get past this. 

Anyone else been in a similiar situation? I really need some good advice.


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## Leahdorus (Jul 28, 2008)

I don't think she has done anything wrong. In fact, if what she told you is true, then she did everything right. She told this guy she was engaged, she told him she did not want to see him, she pulled away when *he* kissed her, she told you right away after all this happened. That tells me she isn't trying to hide anything and is trying to be honest with you. I don't think she told you to hurt you.

She is working when this happened. The guy comes in to her restaurant and pursues her. She has to remain somewhat pleasant as that's her job.

What can she do to ease your mind a bit? I think she should ask her manager to have someone else wait on this guy if he comes back in. I think she should let the manager know that he is risking a harassment suit if he keeps pursuing her while at work. She probably shouldn't have told him that she likes him, as it kept him coming back. She needs to tell this guy that she was being professional and polite but that she is NOT interested in him, to please not sit in her section anymore, and to leave her alone. Her manager can help enforce this too.

I think you should ease up on her a bit - to me it sounds like she was trying to do the right thing by you, because she loves you.


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## jasonus03 (Jan 14, 2009)

I'm not being mean to her. I'm being very nice. But I'm just having trouble with the fact that she liked him and flirted back. She did do something wrong there. She accomadated him.

And yes, she did tell me. For that I am greatful. If I would have found this out myself it would be much worse on our relationship. I never said she told me this to hurt me. I know that isn't the case. 

You ideas for her work are very good. I will tell her to do that. Thanks.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

I agree that she should deal with the work issue, especially if you don't know what you'd do...if you lose it on this guy, it will be horrible all the way around. I am impressed at the honesty of your fiance. I really think you will end up stronger if you stick it out, because she is being very open about why she found this guy attractive and now you have the opportunity to come in and fill the void of attention she was feeling. Feeling betrayed and the loss of trust takes time to repair, but it really does get easier over time (been there myself)


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## jasonus03 (Jan 14, 2009)

..


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## jasonus03 (Jan 14, 2009)

Well we talked it out and we decided to stay together. She said she did (or does) have feelings for him, but she is still in love with me. 

I guess love is all you need and it's good enough for me. 

I told her that it doesn't matter what happened because I love her and I can't live without her. I also told her that I didn't want to talk about him or this ever again. The only thing that matters is that we love each other and as long as we love each other we can get through anything. It just took me a few days to get through my emotions and figure out what is truely important. 

Today was one hell of a roller coaster ride, but it has ended really well. I hope others read this and realize that there is only one thing that can save a marriage or relationship. And that's love.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

jasonus03 said:


> Well we talked it out and we decided to stay together. She said she did (or does) have feelings for him, but she is still in love with me.
> 
> I guess love is all you need and it's good enough for me.
> 
> ...


of course she had feelings for him...he had feelings for her...girls are a pushover for attention...you know that...she got so illicit attention and enjoyed it...now you job is to make her feel like a woman you desire...kinda like mr. barfly (there's a million of em out there) did...


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

That's good to hear Jasonus03. I know for me, initially I had good days and bad days so if things seem to be going well and you do have a bad day where you question whether you are doing the right thing or feeling hurt/angry...please remember we are here...setbacks are normal and temporary if you can keep focused on the goal of having a strong marriage. Good luck to you both.


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## jasonus03 (Jan 14, 2009)

Okay, we have decided to stay together. But now we are having more problems. I found out some new information the other night. She volunteered to go into work on Friday which is the day after I got home. We didn't see each other until about 11 p.m on Thursday night so we didn't get much time with each other. She NEVER volunteers to go into work. Which told me she didn't want to be around me. 

She got off work at 4 p.m and knowing I was at home waiting on her she stayed at the bar and drank for two hours. I called and texted her a few times and each time she said it would be thirty more minutes. Two hours passed before she finally came home half drunk. As soon as she got home I asked her straight out if she wanted to be with me. She said yes but she needs her "space" and I'm not giving it to her. What makes me very frustrated is the fact that she needs to be away from me to think about things, but she sits at the bar where she met this loser and drinks for two hours while I'm at home waiting for her. I wanted to take her out to eat that night and told her so before she even went to work. Knowing this she stayed after work, ate some soup, and got drunk. 

I told her when she got home that her drinking everyday after work isn't going to cut it. I also told her that I didn't like the fact that she wants time away from me to "think", but she has no problem hanging out at the place that she met this man. She said that's understandable and she won't do it anymore, but I do not believe her.

Also, she told me that she actually kissed this guy back and that tongue was involved. I'm really angry and hurt about this. I'm having a very tough time dealing with it. She could have pulled away before this guys lips made contact but she did not. She let him kiss her and even had the odacity to kiss him. 

Now on to the stuff that's bothering me the most. She will not give me attention. Little touching, not much conversation, and absolutely nothing sexual. I've been really trying to give her attention and bring things as close back to normal as possible. IT'S NOT WORKING. She said I'm not giving her enough "space". 

Also, it seems like everything I say pisses her off. She's very edgy. She told me that the reason she isn't giving me attention or anything sexual is because she needs time to think about this. She said she hates herself for what she done and is having a tough time dealing with it. She also said that anytime she kisses me or anything that she thinks about what happened. 

Just a few minutes ago she went to the bedroom to lay down because she has a "headache". I asked her if I could lay down with her and she said NO. I didn't say anything and I went back to the living room frustrated. She followed me and told me that she needs SPACE once again. 

What do I do? I know we both need time to think about this, but her "space" is pushing me away from her. I can't handle it much longer. I've been very nice and caring since I got home. And she has just become withdrawn. I'm doing everything I can to get through this and help her get through it. But I can't stand the fact that I can't touch my fiance without getting rejected. It hurts me really bad. 

I feel like I'm trying and she has just shut down. I know she loves me and she wants to be with me, but I'm terrified that this is going to tear our relationship apart if it hasn't already. 

Please help, I'm getting desparate.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

As much as it hurts, you need to give her space. She needs to figure out what she really wants, and the more you keep pushing her, the more complicated this will get. I know its hard, but its what you have to do.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

women have found a new code word...it's "space"...it has a hidden meaning depending on the user's intent...ladies, give it up...in this ionstance, what does "space" mean??? honestly...


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## Jester300 (Jan 19, 2009)

Wow. I cannot believe this, but your situation is 99.99% identical to mine.

I'll try to keep things short. My girlfriend of 3 years who is going to school 4 hours away started acting wierd a couple months ago. She came home for Christmas break and slept over one night and wouldn't touch me the entire night. This surprised me because we hadn't been intimate in weeks and she has a very high libido. She also was guarding her cell phone with her life (something she never did in the past). She told me that the long distance thing was becoming very difficult for her despite the fact that I made the effort to visit her every other weekend. She then continued to tell me that she was getting feelings for a guy that is in many of her classes. Let me just mention that my girlfriend is very trustworthy and honest with me. She told me that she has not kissed him at this point or anything like that.

Just like you, it took me hours to get this information out of her. She hated herself for feeling this way but said she was confused and couldn't understand why she had feelings for another guy when everything between us was great (besides the distance). Part of the problem is that many of her friends at school have boyfriends that sleep over almost every night. My girlfriend said that she hated the fact that I couldn't be there to comfort her when she needed it the most. She told me that she wanted a "companion" out there at school. I read that as she wants a local boyfriend, not one that is 270 miles away. 

I made it very clear to her that I was not happy with the whole situation, however, I do love her and I don't want to live my life without her. She wanted us to take a break for a while so she can figure things out. I reluctantly agreed. So, at the moment, we are on a break. I believe that this is something that she just needs to get out of her system. I told her that I will be waiting for her, but I can't wait forever, because it is not fair to me. I cut off all communication and told her that I will call her when I am ready to talk to her again. 

Even though you are engaged, I think you do need to give her the space she needs. If she really does love you, she will come back. It is important, however, not to talk to her when you are giving her this space. She needs to know how life will feel like with you out of the picture. Either she will like it, or she will hate the fact that you are not around anymore, but that is a decision only she can make. 

I feel your pain man, believe me. You want to get all these things ironed out before you tie the knot, because it will be very difficult to solve things then. Keep us updated on your status. I will do the same.


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## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

In both instances, it seems as though it's a simple case of confusion. Both would be considered "young" relationships and what sounds like younger people. 

It probably is just confusion. They have gotten somewhat "comfortable" with their current situations and they see something that they think might be better, but they don't really know. Basically, a is the "grass is greener" situation.

I agree that space is a good thing here in both cases. But I would say, keep communication lines open. That doesn't mean calling them every day or anything like that. I wouldn't be calling them really at all, but if you want them back, be sure they know that they can communicate with you if they wish. 

You do not want to create any resentment during their space time. If you want them to really make a good decision, stay out of the picture, but don't do anything that would cause them to make a biased decision.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Ya it seems that we have all been in a simular situation my situation was with my ex BF one night we were all drinking heavily and she kissed my husband and he kissed back then a few months later they kissed again. and yes there was toungue. But I know for a fact that he didnt want her that way he denied the third time she tried. I think that people get confused and they do things to figure it out sometimes what they do isnt what makes sense to us. But it does to them expecially when alcohol is involved. I have herd so many people expecially when it is the "is the grass greener" situation. Some people have to learn the hard way. She may think that she has feelings for him but it will fade out when reality hits.


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## MsLady (Dec 1, 2008)

> women have found a new code word...it's "space"...it has a hidden meaning depending on the user's intent...ladies, give it up...in this ionstance, what does "space" mean??? honestly...


I'm thinking it means that she needs to figure out if she's in love with him enough to marry him. It also means that he neglected her for so long that she's come to wonder if she'll just get more of the same after marriage - and she's wondering if she can do better.

If she asked for space, give her space. Smothering someone never works out long-term. Let her know that you will give her space, that she can call you anytime she like (and you will look forward to it) and then ask her set up regular dates with you during that time (you do need to maintain some contact and communication). Keep the dates fun and fresh, rather than making them a depressing therapy session. Beyond that, there's not much you can do.


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## jasonus03 (Jan 14, 2009)

Well, things are okay for now. We've been doing a bit better over the past few days. We've been spending time with each other and having a bit of a good time. She still isn't all there, I know she still isn't sure what she wants. I know she loves me, but is having a hard time coming to grip with the fact she kissed another man. I am too for that matter. I think about it every day. She still will not have sex with me and most of the time will not cuddle in bed. But that is slowly changing. She is still wanting her "space." 

Right after I came home I decided to get a gym membership for both of us. She was drinking every day after work and hanging out with her friends. If that kept happening it would have pushed me over the edge, so I decided we should start going to the gym every day and letting out our frustration there. It has worked quite well thus far. It allows us to spend time with each other, have fun, and get in shape at the same time. It's something we should have done long ago. 

Like I said, she is still acting funny. Which is understandable since this happened only two weeks ago. My main goal right now is keeping her away from her single friends and her mind off of what happened. I know her friends are some of what brought this on. They like to party and one friend in particular keeps trying to get her to go out. This particular friend also told her that since this happened I will be watching every move she makes because of what happened. This is true to a certain degree, but I am not telling her what she can and cannot do. I refuse to be like that. I want to be able to trust my fiance again because if I can't do that there is no point in staying together. Trust is everything in a relationship. Yes, she betrayed my trust and it will take a while to repair it, but with time I think it is possible. I have to keep her friend in check because if I don't she'll destroy what's left between my fiance and I. 

I'm just taking this one day at a time. It's very hard to endure something like this and even harder to get things back to the way they were. I am very hopeful, but it's going to be a very long and bumpy road ahead. I just wish these friends would quit putting crap in her head. 

Yes, this is definitely a "the grass is greener on the other side" case. But we all know how that goes. Most of the time it isn't greener on the other side. That's what I've been trying to convey to her. Relationships are not all fun and games. They take lots of work and commitment. 

I am not sure what the future holds for the two of us. I really want to get through this and move on. I have taken a step back and looked at the situation and what may have brought this on. I have done what I could to change those things and let her know that I'm completely commited to making this relationship work. She is still having the space issue, but it's very hard to give it to her when we live together. That's just something we'll have to deal with. 

By the way, I just planned a trip to Florida for next weekend. She has never seen the ocean and I figure it's a good way to get both of us away from our problems for a few days. This may be just what we need to rekindle our love. She told me about five days ago that she would like to see the ocean for her birthday. So I called up the hotel and booked a room. She is excited, but she is still bringing up the "space" issue since we will be trapped in a car with each other for eleven hours. My guess is that she wants to go, but with the current situation she doesn't know if it's the greatest idea. 

I think it'll be good for us to just get away and clear our minds. She has never been on a vacation, so I think once we get down there we'll have lots of fun.

So what are your opinions on everything I just said? Am I screwing up or grasping for straws here? Anything else I should or shouldn't do? I'm still open to ideas and advice.


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## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

Well, in one sentence you say your Goal is to keep her away from her single friends, then you go on to say you don't want to be the type of guy that tells her what to do. 

You said she is having issues of wanting space, but then booked a trip together. It's just me, but I don't know if that's the best idea. She will barely cuddle in bed, and you are wanting her to spend ever minuted of every day together on this trip. I hate to say it, I'm not sure if that's a good idea at this stage. It would be great if you two were a little further along. But from what I'm gathering, she's still on even sure if she wants to be with you. Who knows, it may work out in your favor, but it could seriously backfire too...

You seem to be wavering back and forth about what you are really trying to do here. On one hand, you say you want to give her space and want her to make a decision, but on the other hand, it looks like you are having issues in giving her that space...


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## jasonus03 (Jan 14, 2009)

I see what you are saying. This whole situation has me completely confused. I honestly do not know what to do. I do want to give her space, but at the same time I want to show her that I will do whatever it takes to show her that I love her. I want to show her that I realize what I have done wrong and that I'm willing to change for the better. I am also fearful of giving her too much space because that may allow her to push herself farther away from me and give her a reason to call it quits. Also, if she keeps this behavior up for too much longer it is going to push me away from her. She also has to show me that she is willing to work on this. I have asked her many times if she wants to be with me and not to string me along. I told her I am a strong person and I can take it. She says she wants to stay and that she loves me, but she wants more time to think about it. That confuses me because if she has made the decision to stay and that she loves me why is she still keeping her distance? 

As far as the friends go I am not telling her she can't hang out with them. I will never do that. But, if she starts going out alone with them while I'm sitting at home that will tell me where I stand and I WILL end the relationship. 

Now on to the trip. She told me she wanted to see the ocean for her birthday. So I figured I would surprise her and book the trip. I guess she didn't think I would do it. She was excited at first and then started with the whole "space" thing again. I have asked her three times if she wanted me to cancel the trip. She said no every time and has even asked off work for those days.


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## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

jasonus03 said:


> I see what you are saying. This whole situation has me completely confused. I honestly do not know what to do. I do want to give her space, but at the same time I want to show her that I will do whatever it takes to show her that I love her.


You need to give her that space... From the way it sounds, you loving her is not really in question here. She's confused, and it sucks for you, it's not fair to you. But if you really want this to work out, she's going to need it. 



jasonus03 said:


> I want to show her that I realize what I have done wrong and that I'm willing to change for the better.


What did you do wrong? Honestly, she's flipped things over to you. Not that long ago, she was kissing another guy... now she has you begging her to come home??? She's good.





jasonus03 said:


> I am also fearful of giving her too much space because that may allow her to push herself farther away from me and give her a reason to call it quits. Also, if she keeps this behavior up for too much longer it is going to push me away from her.


This is the #1 fear with this. But you need to let it happen. You need to give her some ground rules. Tell her, "I'm going to back off, give you your space to think... BUT, if you do something stupid during that time, you won't have to worry about making a decision... I'll make it for you."



jasonus03 said:


> She also has to show me that she is willing to work on this. I have asked her many times if she wants to be with me and not to string me along. I told her I am a strong person and I can take it. She says she wants to stay and that she loves me, but she wants more time to think about it. That confuses me because if she has made the decision to stay and that she loves me why is she still keeping her distance?


Because she's still not sure, and she's proven to be good at manipulating you. What's she going to say. "I don't think I love you and I really don't think I want to stay..." NO! She may just not be sure, but she wants to keep you close in case she does decide to come back, you are still there waiting for her. 



jasonus03 said:


> As far as the friends go I am not telling her she can't hang out with them. I will never do that. But, if she starts going out alone with them while I'm sitting at home that will tell me where I stand and I WILL end the relationship.


Good, that goes right in with what I said above



jasonus03 said:


> Now on to the trip. She told me she wanted to see the ocean for her birthday. So I figured I would surprise her and book the trip. I guess she didn't think I would do it. She was excited at first and then started with the whole "space" thing again. I have asked her three times if she wanted me to cancel the trip. She said no every time and has even asked off work for those days.


She won't tell you to cancel it, because then she'll look that a *****... I honestly don't know if this is a good idea. You will have to see what it's like. I don't know what you feel about traveling by yourself, but if nothing else, go alone. It will give you time to think, get you away to clear your mind, plus it will give her the space she wants. Just an idea.


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## jasonus03 (Jan 14, 2009)

*Re: What Next?*

Good advice, thanks a bunch. 

We got into it pretty heavy last night. She called me a p*ssy and told me that I'm just acting like nothing ever happened. I told her that I loved her and that I want to put this behind us as quickly as possible. What brought this on was her ex boyfriend. He's been sniffing around her Myspace and trying to get her to talk to him. She said that she wanted to be nice to him because she likes his parents. She isn't holding any conversations with him or anything of that nature, which is cool. But just the fact that she said she would talk to him made me a bit angry. Here we are dealing with the current situation and all of a sudden the ex boyfriend comes sniffing around. Couldn't be worse timing. BTW, they were together for a very long time, hence her liking the parents. 

Anywho, that's how this fight got started. I got really p*ssed when she called me a p*ssy. I've kinda been bottling a lot of this stuff up inside. This sent me over the edge. I yelled at her and told her just what I thought about the whole situation. I won't get into details, but I thought it was the end for us. 

We didn't talk for a few hours. I sat in the chair and drank some Vodka while she watched T.V. I got drunk and went to bed. A couple hours later she followed. We sat and talked for a while and ended up having sex (twice) for the first time in a month. It was pretty nice. We're getting along again for now, not sure if it'll last though. But at least we took a step in the right direction. 

As far as the trip goes, it wouldn't do any good for me to go alone. It's really hard (if not impossible) for her to get away from things that remind her of me. She drives a car I got for her. Pretty much everything at home is mine (ours). And to top it off her family lives an hour and a half away. She also has a full time job. So getting away from me is not easy and vice versa.


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## 1nurse (Jan 21, 2009)

Going back your initial post I think the reason your relationship has deteriorated was your inattention and lack of interest you had for your fiancee. I see this happen all too often. We have to make our partners our #1 priority. I think you were starting to realize this yourself. Phone calls just to say hi, flowers, notes, gestures are all wonderful ways to let your special someone know you care. We are all guilty of neglect for our partners every once in a while. The fact that your fiancee was flattered by the attention of someone new is not surprising at all. I don't think you mention your ages in your posts. Are you both still young? Unfortunately the damage has already been done to your relationship. Good news, you are trying but yes she needs her space. She may be thinking of her options right now. I don't believe this guy has been harassing your fiancee. I think he just picked up on her unhappiness. People tend to do this. She may have invited his advances unintentionally. 

You may have to move out and temporarily separate to see how things will work out. She may surprise you and appreciate the gesture. Give her space. I know it's hard but if you are really meant to be and you truly still have love between you things will work out. Let her know you still love her and eventually want to be husband but do you want to marry and then divorce later because of unresolved issues?


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## lonestarwife (Jan 24, 2009)

It seems to me that she wants you to be angry with her. She can feel angry at herself all she wants, but she might need you to show the frustrated side of you. She needs you to be angry with her because she is angry at herself. As for the ex, she must really be questioning your relationship. Maybe she feels as if she doesn't desearve you and is some how trying to push you away. You sound like a great guy with a good head on your shoulders. You teach people how to treat you and right now you are giving her all the power. I by no means am telling you to give up because all things can be healed with communication and time. It is things like these that build relationships. Marriage is work and not just love. I hope that all works out for you two. By the way thanks for your service, my husband is Army.


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## jasonus03 (Jan 14, 2009)

***NEW DEVELOPMENTS***

Well, we went on the trip to Panama City Beach and it went very well. We had the time of our lives. We got home on Sunday and by Monday evening things went south again. It seems like I just can't win. I am very close to kicking her out and erasing her from my life. 

Here's what happened Monday. She went to work happy and came home acting depressed again. I seen this and asked her what was wrong. She said nothing as usual, which is code for "I'm not telling you." I wanted to go to the photo store and get our pictures from the trip developed and asked her to come along. She said she would take them and that she wanted to go alone. I then asked her if she was going to the gym with her friend, Jamie, and she said yes. I was completely uninvited. This really hurt my feelings and left me dumbfounded. I knew something was up. She came home from the gym and didn't talk much. She then took a shower alone and went to bed. In bed, she wouldn't cuddle or anything. 

The next day (Tuesday) she came home and was still acting funny. I couldn't take it anymore. I told her that she needed to tell me what was going on with her. After a few minutes she cracked. She told me that the man she kissed tried to kill himself and that his mother called her work and told her over the phone. Oh, and she also told me she works with this a**hole. This really bothered me because why would this dudes mom call her work and tell her about this? I asked her this same question and she said that she was the one who answered the phone and that the mother asked for a manager. 

My question is; despite this why would she still tell my fiance instead of waiting on a manager? It's very fishy. I am starting to think she knows this guys mom and this has went much further than a simple kiss. And BTW, this guy has been in rehab and SHE WORKS WITH HIM. I don't believe he tried to kill himself. It was either an accidental overdose or he is trying to get attention.

It's really bothering me and if I don't get the whole truth soon I am going to leave her. I feel like everytime I start getting past this, something new gets dumped on me and it starts all over. I can't take much more. I am tired and completely worn out. I am starting to distance myself from her and I am close to the point of no return. I really love this woman and I would do anything for her, but my trust in her is all but wiped out. If she doesn't come clean very soon with the scope of this situation, it's over. 

It doesn't matter how far it went anymore. If she had any kind of sexual relations with him, it's over. If she doesn't come clean, it's still over because I keep running scenerios through my head and it's consuming everything good about her and I. 

Sorry if I sound angry and a little crazy, but I am really going through a lot right now. I am in college full time, in the Air Force, and I have many other responsibilities. This situation is causing me unbearable stress. 

I think I am going to give her an ultimatum tonight. Either quit the job and find a new one or we're through. I am at my breaking point.


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## lonestarwife (Jan 24, 2009)

Ok at least she is trying to open up to you. She seems to be scared to tell you everything. Maybe afraid you will leave her? You have a past of neglecting her and someone else gave her the atttention she desired. But, now you are stepping up to the plate. The guy could be upset because she told him to back off. There is obviously more to this than you know, but she seems to want to stay with you. If you love her as much as you have expressed here, then you need to sit her down and communicate. Tell and show her that no matter what happend that the two of you can make it through this. She seems scared to tell you the entire truth, so ease her fears. Of course you need to be ready to hear and accept the truth before you seek it. I have really prayed for you two and hope you all the best.


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## Kbobby (Feb 5, 2009)

Hi Jason

I appreciate your frankness in the situation through all those contributions.

I sense that timing is of the essence. From her action, I find that she may not be ready for commitment. Sure, the guy at the bar may be attractive and a smooth-talker and getting attracted to such ppl are very common among girls. However, she needs to review what she has and what she wants. If that situation and guy continue and she ALLOWS herself into it, then she needs to be responsible for her actions. And it will distract you alot since you are full time in college and in air force.

In a relationship, putting the emotion aside, commitment through words must also be actioned by being responsible. Sit down with her, talk to her. Review your relationship with her. Let her say what she is looking for WITH THIS RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU and you also say what you are looking for WITH HER. Sort it out.

Take care.

KBobby
yup2life.com


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## jasonus03 (Jan 14, 2009)

Well, I'm back. I now have a new dilema which I need to discuss. Things have been going great the last few days and I thought (until today) that we were on the road to repairing this relationship.

Now, I think I dug a bit too far. I have been doing all I can to investigate this situation and I have been very covert in doing so. Today, I intercepted some messages from her email. First, I'll start by saying what led up to this latest blow to our relationship. I left for duty with the Air Force for a couple days in early February. Right before she got home on the Friday I left, I found a small letter in a drawer. 

This is what it said word for word. It was also in a man's handwriting. 

"Please call me anytime, for good times, bad times, and all times." 

This little letter was folded and laying on top of the stuff in the drawer by the bed. It had no phone number on it whatsoever. I confronted her with the letter and she said it was given to her by a UPS driver that she waited on at the restaurant. I didn't and still do not believe a word of that. If it was from a random person it would have had a phone number on it. It didn't. It came from someone she knows. She then proceeded to get pissed off at me for confronting her. Threatened to leave me and everything. 

Anyway, I left for duty and came back that Sunday. This is when I really started digging. I got into the history list on the computer and seen that she had sent the guy that she kissed a message at 3:41 p.m on Sunday. This is just before I got home. Every since that day we have been getting along great. I'm not going to lie, I have been treating her great and I have not brought this situation up at all. She still thinks things are good. But now I am having to put on an act. 

This is why. She didn't log off of her email today and she then went to take a shower. I went into her sent messages and found that my suspicions were true. She sent this guy four messages starting when we got back from Florida. 

Keep in mind that we got into another arguement two days after we got back on a Tuesday. This guy supposedly tried to kill himself and he is now in rehab. She found this out on Monday and she was acting depressed. I confronted her on Tuesday and that's when she told me about it and also the fact that they worked together. 

Tuesday night she sent him the first message. It read, "Just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you!!! Please, please, please take care of yourself."


Two days later, the next message read:

"I thought I would tell you something positive about you for the next 19 days starting with you have a beautiful soul!!!!!!"


Two more days later:

"18 days to go.... My something nice to tell you today is that you are a wonderful friend."


One day later (Feb 8th):

"Well went home this weekend and lost track of what day I i'm on, but I do know I missed yesterday so you get two today.
(you have an amazing mind, and you are a gifted musician)"


I am pretty damn mad about this. I know it does not directly implicate her, but she is still talking to him and is even giving him compliments. These messages stopped on February 8. 

I am really mad and confused. Maybe she feels she caused this and is trying to help him. My take is that she is only giving him more reason to keep trying. I think that maybe I am seeing only the tip of the iceburg. I know I had absolutely no business looking at her email and I really wish I hadn't have done it now. I just caused myself more pain. I felt that I went too far. But, I couldn't help but take the opportunity to get some information. 

I have talked to a couple people about this and they said that I need to wait and see what else I may uncover. I am just sick of worrying about this crap. Judging from her emails I think he gets out of rehab on the 25th of February. We've been getting along great since he's been in there, but when he gets out I think he will come back around and our relationship may suffer even more. 

I sent this guy an email yesterday just after I read those messages. I told him to stay away from her. I was very frank and very mean to him. My anger kinda got the best of me. 

Maybe I shouldn't have went that far, but I felt I had to let him know I'm on to him. Also, my Fiance still hasn't came straight out and told me who this guy is that she kissed. I found this out on my own. If this guy does get ot of rehab and he looks her up, he will tell her about the email I sent him. She will then confront me about it and admit it was him. Then maybe I can get more of the answers I have been seeking. This may also deal a fatal blow to our relationship too, and that scares me. 

I guess all I can do now is wait. You guys have given me great advice and I greatly appreciate it. This is a good place to vent and get good opinions. What would you guys do if you was in this situation? Don't say talk to her because I have tried that. It doesn't work, it just pisses her off and she shuts down. Hence me having to investigate on my own. 

Any advice would be helpful.


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## lonestarwife (Jan 24, 2009)

It sounds like you are going to have to confront her about everything you have found. It could just be that she feels guilty and is trying to help this man, but she should be trying to help your relationship. You need to let her know that any more communicating with this man is unexceptable. Also I would like to know more of what she is telling you and how she is trying to explain all of this. If she is always just shutting down, she might still be afraid to tell you everything. It just concerns me that after everything she has not cut off the communication with him. She needs to understand that she is giving this man false hopes that are going to make it harder on him in the end, and ruin her relationship with you.


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## jasonus03 (Jan 14, 2009)

*Re: Please delete this topic*

Thanks for all of you guy's advice. I really appreciate it. You helped me through a very tough time in my life. Things are much better now. The guy is out of rehab and back at work. He came up to my fiance and told her she wasn't a very good friend and that she is heartless. This being because she is ignoring him now. After I sent him that mean message he told her friend about it. Knowing this would happen I went ahead and told my fiance about the message. She was very angry, but she got over it. I'm glad I sent him the message because it let him know I was on to him and it got her to finally admit who it was that kissed her. 

After he told her she was heartless she came home and finally told me everything. I know she was telling the truth because I can tell when she's lying. It's not as bad as I had assumed. Not at all. I told her that she should have just told me everything in the beginning. I told her that I was thinking that she had sex with him because she wouldn't tell me everything. She was a bit hurt that I would think that, but she understands. 

Now that this guy is being mean to her I think she finally see's that he is not a good person. He just wanted a piece of ass all along, just like I told her 2 months ago. Turns out I was right. 

She said she's really thinking about quitting her job and finding a new one. She said he is talking about quitting and that she may wait and see if he will. If he quits she will stay. I told her that if he doesn't I will not give her a choice. She'll have to quit.

Like I said, things are starting to work out. I'm much happier than I was a couple weeks ago. It still bothers me and hurts me when I think about it, but that's starting to fade. 

Thanks for the advice. A moderator can go ahead and delete this thread. I don't need it anymore.


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