# Who is the selfish lover?



## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

Who is the selfish lover in your marriage and what makes them more selfish than the other person?

(They don't have to be super selfish. Just a little more than the other person.)

Or if you are each selfish at different times, or at different things, why?


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

TheCuriousWife said:


> Who is the selfish lover in your marriage and what makes them more selfish than the other person?
> 
> (They don't have to be super selfish. Just a little more than the other person.)
> 
> Or if you are each selfish at different times, or at different things, why?


Selfish as in getting what you want, or selfish as in not giving the other what THEY want?


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## ladymisato (Aug 5, 2014)

Both spouses need to take an interest in the other regardless of who is the center of attention. When things work well, both enjoy the husband attending to the needs of the wife.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

Either Fozzy.

And I know people are going to say, "there should be equal give and take, we are 50 50." blah blah.

It is rarely exactly 50 50. There is always someone who takes a little more than they give. Even if it is only occasionally.

I just want some examples of when you or they were a selfish lover.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Such a highly personal and subjective question, that usually only matters when one feels the other is selfish and that their own needs aren't being met 

Between my wife and I, I am the more active lover, and have no doubts she gets the better end of the deal, and she flat out acknowledges that she does.

Fortunately for us, and probably more fortunate for her, a huge part of the pleasure I get out of sex is giving her pleasure...when she is laying there twitching and can't form a coherent sentence for five minutes...I find that personally fulfilling. Yes, I do get my O, but many times that is simply a side affect of what is being done for her.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

samyeagar said:


> Such a highly personal and subjective question, that usually only matters when one feels the other is selfish and that their own needs aren't being met
> 
> Between my wife and I, I am the more active lover, and have no doubts she gets the better end of the deal, and she flat out acknowledges that she does.
> 
> Fortunately for us, and probably more fortunate for her, a huge part of the pleasure I get out of sex is giving her pleasure...when she is laying there twitching and can't form a coherent sentence for five minutes...I find that personally fulfilling. Yes, I do get my O, but many times that is simply a side affect of what is being done for her.


Hehe. No I'm feeling okay now. Just had a recent discussion about selfishness that got me thinking, and was curious how other people gauged it.

Thanks for the answer.  

Your a real winner. Congratz on your happy life!


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## capncrunch (Aug 18, 2014)

As the HD half, I often consider myself to be selfish, but when I think about it, she's pretty selfish too. But like Sam said, I really, REALLY enjoy her pleasure, so it doesn't feel like she's being selfish. But sometimes we do things that are not terribly pleasurable or borderline uncomfortable to me, but pleasurable to her, or sometimes my tongue/jaw/neck is tired, but she hasn't had her O yet... 

So I guess we're both selfish in our own ways. I'm more selfish in getting some sort of sexual contact at all, whereas she can be selfish in specifics like positioning.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I am! 

I am decidedly selfish because if I wasn't, we would have dull sex 9 out of 10 times. If I didn't insist I have enough orgasms each time we had sex, I wouldn't get any. 

So when he approaches in his lazy effortless way, he gets a hand job and I masturbate at some other time. But if he approaches with some passion, some energy, some genuine a interest, then I know I'll get some good orgasms.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

ladymisato said:


> Both spouses need to take an interest in the other regardless of who is the center of attention. When things work well, both enjoy the husband attending to the needs of the wife.


This, I agree with!

Men who are good lovers all agree that making their lover come apart time and again is itself extremely rewarding. So these men put a lot of effort into seeing that happen.


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## capncrunch (Aug 18, 2014)

ladymisato said:


> Both spouses need to take an interest in the other regardless of who is the center of attention. When things work well, both enjoy the husband attending to the needs of the wife.


A common theme throughout much of the "man up" self-help media (namely MMSLP and NMMNG) is that sex should be selfish. To me, that's ludicrous.


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

I would imagine that my husband thinks I'm the selfish one because I expect to have sex now and again and this involves him making an effort. However, I see him as the selfish one - especially lately. He spends most of his day lying on the bed while I'm working (either work or housework). He is definitely the most giving when it comes to romance - he tells me all the time how much he loves me, how hot I look, etc but this has worn off now. I don't feel particularly hot when getting him to have sex with me is like getting blood out of a stone. I do think that selfish is a truly subjective thing so it's hard to qualify.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening all
Sometimes there is a big disparity. Even though things are much better than in the past, my wife is the selfish one: I can't ever remember not doing something she wanted in bed unless it was physically impossible for me. She frequently turns down things I would like.

Of course maybe that makes me a more demanding lover, rather than her a selfish one...:scratchhead:


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

I am totally more selfish. Mostly because my greatest pleasure comes from watching my GF have a mind blowing orgasm. So I always makes sure she get one or two before I get mine.

Hey I'm a selfish clout that way and make no apologies for it


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

Love the responses guys!

It's nice to see how other couples see their sex life.

Keep them coming.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

doobie said:


> I would imagine that my husband thinks I'm the selfish one because I expect to have sex now and again and this involves him making an effort. However, I see him as the selfish one - especially lately. He spends most of his day lying on the bed while I'm working (either work or housework). He is definitely the most giving when it comes to romance - he tells me all the time how much he loves me, how hot I look, etc but this has worn off now. I don't feel particularly hot when getting him to have sex with me is like getting blood out of a stone. I do think that selfish is a truly subjective thing so it's hard to qualify.


Preach this.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

capncrunch said:


> A common theme throughout much of the "man up" self-help media (namely MMSLP and NMMNG) is that sex should be selfish. To me, that's ludicrous.


It is an attitude of selfishly seeking that which brings you joy and pleasure that reveals you as a good lover or lousy lover. 

If a man makes love to his wife and his attitude is one of following the recipe for mutual satisfaction, this is a rather timid approach to sex. If I touch her here, for this long, I can then move to touching her over there, and once that's done I can then penetrate and get mine. BOOORRRRRIIING!

But if a man approaches his wife with the gusto and selfishness of a starving man diving into a gourmet meal, this translates into passion! If a woman selfishly demands her husband do this or that because she wants to orgasm and she is hot for it and wants it badly, that shows her passion.

Selfishness in the bedroom can be a good thing because it means you as a lover LOVE this feeling and WANT it! 

It is the boring lover, the lazy lover, the one who isn't very eager to increase the desire or eroticism who is mistakenly referred to as selfish. They're just really lazy boring lovers.


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## Thunder7 (Jan 2, 2013)

I know nothing in life is 50/50 but we try to be as give and take as possible. However, my wife does tell me at times after sex that she feels bad because I 'did all the work'. I just tell her it's not work if you're doing what you love.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

In order to enjoy sex you have to be a bit selfish, anyway. Those who focus too much on the other person deny themselves pleasure which in turn denies the other person pleasure. 

That said... my husband is more selfish and he laments how he needs to do more but that's as far as it goes. I've lost so much of my interest that I'm actually mourning it. I was dynamic and interesting and he took. Accepted. There is more to it but I find myself stopping myself thinking about sex with "why bother?" He is as fine without me as with me so... why bother?

We had really great sex a few months ago because I was being totally selfish... and thinking about someone else. It was the worst thing I have ever done and it will never happen again. I would rather be done with sex than to do anything like that again. It is so hurtful. And Wrong.

I think my spirit is dying.


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## capncrunch (Aug 18, 2014)

Anon Pink said:


> It is an attitude of selfishly seeking that which brings you joy and pleasure that reveals you as a good lover or lousy lover.
> 
> If a man makes love to his wife and his attitude is one of following the recipe for mutual satisfaction, this is a rather timid approach to sex. If I touch her here, for this long, I can then move to touching her over there, and once that's done I can then penetrate and get mine. BOOORRRRRIIING!
> 
> ...


Makes more sense when worded like that. Thanks!


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Laziness is a form of selfishness.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

there is apparently no rhyme or reason to this "selfish" thing

The other day I was playing with my mid to LD wife, trying to get her to orgasm. She says "why are you doing that to me? Its ALL ABOUT YOU!"

:scratchhead::scratchhead:


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

TheCuriousWife said:


> Either Fozzy.
> 
> And I know people are going to say, "there should be equal give and take, we are 50 50." blah blah.
> 
> ...


If it was 56% to 44% that would be fine.

Too many times on these forums its 92% to 8% or even 98% to 2%, literally someone being degraded and being asked to be thankful for the purpose of being used!

I know it's rarely exactly 50 to 50. But it should bounce back and forth.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

I am going to say we are a 50/50 couple, both very giving and caring about the others pleasure.

But a little part of me feels selfish and I am still learning to live with it and accept this as part of my life. It is Mr H, he LOVES going down on me, he does it everyday and is a Master at it. All good yes? But it can feel a bit selfish to always be the centre of attention, I am learning to just go with it and the more I relax into knowing he is getting immense pleasure from making me happy, the more I enjoy the whole experience.

Mind you I do give him NSA BJ's at various times (not bed time or he will turn it into giving me a good time) and it spins my world to feel, see, hear him being overtaken by how good he feels.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

clipclop2;10066961[B said:


> ]In order to enjoy sex you have to be a bit selfish, anyway. Those who focus too much on the other person deny themselves pleasure which in turn denies the other person pleasure. [/B]
> 
> That said... my husband is more selfish and he laments how he needs to do more but that's as far as it goes. I've lost so much of my interest that I'm actually mourning it. I was dynamic and interesting and he took. Accepted. There is more to it but I find myself stopping myself thinking about sex with "why bother?" He is as fine without me as with me so... why bother?
> 
> ...


Agree that's why we take turns. Works well of us I've always been somewhat surprised more people don't


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

I think we switch off. Sometimes I am. Sometimes he is.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

I think for the most part 50/50....depends on the time of the month for me.....the 2 weeks before I start I AM HORNY, and want it twice a day....so during that time I am selfish....but when I am out of order for those 5 days, I will blow him every day if he wants...


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

She's not selfish. If I'm selfish then I don't know it. I probably am though.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

My wife and I are both selfish, when we play. I take her for my own enjoyment as she likewise takes me for hers.

If my luscious wife and I weren't consumed with taking all that we can from each other during sex, I imagine our sex life would be rather stale indeed.


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## capncrunch (Aug 18, 2014)

Holland said:


> Mind you I do give him NSA BJ's at various times (not bed time or he will turn it into giving me a good time) and it spins my world to feel, see, hear him being overtaken by how good he feels.


I'm usually pretty good with figuring out acronyms, but all I can imagine is guys in black suits giving BJs! 

NSA BJ?


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## Thunder7 (Jan 2, 2013)

committed4ever said:


> To completion, and no strings attached. Just walk up to hubby, blow him, and cuddle.


One of life's rare treats.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I would say my wife is a little more selfish out of necessity, but we're both very giving overall. It's just that she may need me to do certain things right when she asks, for her to orgasm, otherwise it may not work for her at all. I'm happy to oblige, and she generally makes sure I'm well taken care of later.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

sometimes I'm selfish because when she's stroking me I'm in a state of bliss and too into the moment to stroke her back. I sometimes catch myself and try to stroke her back, but she doesn't need much. Sometimes she will put my hand where she wants it. She's not shy.

Sometimes she is a bit selfish when she wants to go too fast. I'm trying to slow down and actually concentrate on the art of actually 'making love' and extending the foreplay. But, she'll be just too hot and beg me to 'put it in' before she 'gets too wet'.

It all works great so far though. But then we're newlyweds (15 months).
We'll see how it goes 5 years from now.........


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

My W is selfish due to being the LD partner. Also, it has to follow a pretty boring script for her most of the time. Recently, though her being much more LD than me, we have duty sex. I really want to do more for her, but she pushes me away. Very frustrated at the moment.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

I'm sure my husband thinks I am selfish because I have always expected to have more sex, but I see him as selfish because he always looks to get a bj, but will rarely ever go down on me. I make sure he is sexually fulfilled, but don't get the same treatment back.


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## coupdegrace (Oct 15, 2012)

I am, but only because she made me this way. I always want to reciprocate pleasure and please my wife back, but sometimes she refuses. She knows that I crave at least every other day, so she'll give me a BJ and finish me with a HJ and lotion. When I try to please her back, her response is frequently, "I'm okay" and "Women don't need sex as much as men." Every now and then, she'll give in and we'll 69 until she's done.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

murphy5 said:


> there is apparently no rhyme or reason to this "selfish" thing
> 
> The other day I was playing with my mid to LD wife, trying to get her to orgasm. She says "why are you doing that to me? Its ALL ABOUT YOU!"
> 
> :scratchhead::scratchhead:


That was the truth in how she saw it. Your actions, to her, did not communicate you fascination with that body part, but your attempt to get her to respond. This is a sad statement on where your wife is sexually. 

She, mistakenly and most unfortunately, sees her sexual response as something she is *supposed* to do. She feels burdened to give a response she isn't feeling. To her, you asking for her sexual response when she is not feeling it means you're being selfish.

I don't know your story but is it safe to assume she feels pressured to respond to you?

To go back to your event, if you had given her a devilish smile and said, "why yes dear, this is all about me. I can't get enough of..." whatever it was you were doing at that moment. This communicates no pressure on her to respond in any particular way unless she wants to. And it communicates your enjoyment of whatever it was your were touching at that moment; your delight in her body. 

Again, think attitude of starving man diving into a gourmet meal. Does the man concern himself with how the food feels about being enjoyed? Does he check that the food is enjoying being enjoyed? 

This is very different from rubbing her lady parts till she's wet enough then sticking it in. The attitude there is watching water boil so you can cook pasta.

Is this making sense to you?


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## SpinDaddy (Nov 12, 2012)

I don’t know that it is selfish, but our intimacy is always focused on Ms. Spin. 

And noooo I wouldn’t classify that as me being a Beta Male or a weenie because the sex is almost always mind blowingly awesome! 

How’s that U-2 song go “If you want to kiss the sky you better learn how to kneel”?


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> That was the truth in how she saw it. Your actions, to her, did not communicate you fascination with that body part, but your attempt to get her to respond. This is a sad statement on where your wife is sexually.
> 
> She, mistakenly and most unfortunately, sees her sexual response as something she is *supposed* to do. She feels burdened to give a response she isn't feeling. To her, you asking for her sexual response when she is not feeling it means you're being selfish.
> 
> ...


It pains me to agree with you on this one AP 

This can certainly be an issue, and one I think affects men more than women, and men who place a very high value on the woman's pleasure. It is a fine line between her pleasure for her pleasures sake, and her pleasure out of ego driven desire.

This is one thing I have always been very conscious of as I am one of those men who gains tremendous pleasure from my partners pleasure at my hands. There are times where my wife and I will have sex where she will slow things down into the afterglow when I am done where she doesn't orgasm. I always make moves and let her know I won't leave her hanging, but I don't push it either and try to force her or compel her to continue because I know there are times that what we had just done was exactly what she had wanted.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

samyeagar said:


> It pains me to agree with you on this one AP


:lol: don't worry Sam. I'm not picking out stationary yet...




> This can certainly be an issue, and one I think affects men more than women, and men who place a very high value on the woman's pleasure. It is a fine line between her pleasure for her pleasures sake, and her pleasure out of ego driven desire.


It is a fine line and a tricky distinction. 

I think it's all about attitude and borrowed feelings. If she responds positively to your goal of getting her to respond and you take that to indicate -for yourself- that you're a worthy lover, you are borrowing your feelings from her. If she doesn't respond, you have nothing to borrow and typically apply more pressure to get her to give the response you need in order to feel worthy.

If your touch elicits a response and you enjoy her response, then you are not borrowing your feelings from her, but simply enjoying her.

I think this is most glaring when men have a stronger need for reassurance than their partners. I think this is why MMSLP and NMMNG are so helpful to men. It teaches them to not be so dependent on her emotional state to set the time for your own emotional state. It really isn't about alpha/beta crap. That's just a dumbed down easy to understand version of what is actually pretty complicated.




> This is one thing I have always been very conscious of as I am one of those men who gains tremendous pleasure from my partners pleasure at my hands. There are times where my wife and I will have sex where she will slow things down into the afterglow when I am done where she doesn't orgasm. I always make moves and let her know I won't leave her hanging, but I don't push it either and try to force her or compel her to continue because I know there are times that what we had just done was exactly what she had wanted.



Exactly. I think in your case, those years in hell with your ex left you pretty emotionally exhausted so it would seem a natural progression to fill yourself up in her responses as often as possible. And now you're learning you don't need to borrow from her. You KNOW you are a worthy lover.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

samyeagar said:


> Such a highly personal and subjective question, that usually only matters when one feels the other is selfish and that their own needs aren't being met
> 
> Between my wife and I, I am the more active lover, and have no doubts she gets the better end of the deal, and she flat out acknowledges that she does.
> 
> Fortunately for us, and probably more fortunate for her, a huge part of the pleasure I get out of sex is giving her pleasure...when she is laying there twitching and can't form a coherent sentence for five minutes...I find that personally fulfilling. Yes, I do get my O, but many times that is simply a side affect of what is being done for her.


I'm the more selfish lover cause my husband is very much a Samyeagar ! The truth be told.. I want my "O".. I would get more upset not getting it - over him..

He is a Giver....he lives & embodies the "*Your pleasure is My Pleasure*" no matter what it is...back scratches...holding me..... this is so strong in him...one morning comes to memory...

We had sex the night before...the next morning ...we're caressing each other...he is spooning , I can feel him getting hard .....I let him know he can have me sideways - I roll on top ...I tell him I am not sure I can go again , I’m looking at him –within seconds, I see his eyes are moist... I said “are you crying?” ... he says to me ...

“You know I am only happy when you are happy”... he says “you’re not slowing down are you?”, I tell him “No my brain is in overdrive, I’m always in overdrive” with a big  & remind him we just did it last night. 

Feeling I've been "killing him" with sex... this little exchange meant so much to me.... as it spoke his desire –(even though it was somewhat dependent on mine) ....Then I started to tear up too ....that he feels THIS sensitively STRONG about MY pleasure – truly my pleasure fuels his pleasure. 

I'm a pleaser too though.. I just wouldn't feel as bad if he didn't get HIS.. (though scratch that...I did the 1st time it happened, this wave of sadness came over me!)....I guess we're both pleasers...but I'm still selfish! 

Taken from my Whining thread.... I spoke about this selfish element in Sex...



> *Simplyamorous said* :He's said a # of times..."*I'm a Lover not a Fighter*"... "*I'm a Making Love man"* ....he is not at all selfish in SEX.... He is a through & through Pleaser, this is what gives him Pleasure....this appears to be a huge part of his psyche, which brings me to THIS....
> 
> *How Useful is a little SELFISHNESS IN SEX??* We were talking this morning, we've had this discussion before ....I've told him I'd like to feel some "selfishness" from him....in one of my Sex books (written by a Sex Therapist) said this is one area we WANT some selfishness......feeling our partners selfishly want gratified -just as we do - this is at the heart of LUST/ eroticism - it fuels something in us... doesn't it ??
> 
> ...


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

committed4ever said:


> To completion, and no strings attached. Just walk up to hubby, blow him, and cuddle.


You sound like a great wife!


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

committed4ever said:


> To completion, and no strings attached. Just walk up to hubby, blow him, and cuddle.


Or let him go back to watching football!


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I'm the more selfish lover cause my husband is very much a Samyeagar ! The truth be told.. I want my "O".. I would get more upset not getting it - over him..
> 
> He is a Giver....he lives & embodies the "*Your pleasure is My Pleasure*" no matter what it is...back scratches...holding me..... this is so strong in him...one morning comes to memory...
> 
> ...


My wife is very much like you in a lot of ways SA, and this is one of them. She WANTS her O, and wants a lot of them  The thing is, she has never let her O dictate our sex life. Yes, she wants them when she wants them, but they are not the limiting factor of when we have sex, or even when she initiates.

It has taken me a while to get here, and I am still working on it, but I have learned that there are times that she WANTS to have sex with me, even when she doesn't feel like going for her own O...much like what you described above...your willingness, and I imagine your DESIRE to have sex with your husband even though you didn't think you were going to get your O. My wife has taught me through her words and actions that it is OK for us to have sex, that I don't need to decline, that I don't need to REJECT, yes, I said it, REJECT her and her offer just because she does not feel like an O.

All that said, I think that the over all state of our sex life, and our relationship as a whole allows things to work the way they do. There have been plenty of times where things will start out where she is not necessarily after an O, but her mind changes in a hurry even though she's already have five of them that day  I am always will to try, and make it known that I'll never leave her hanging...she averages about 20 O's a week.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

I always feel like the more selfish one in the bedroom. We joke that I'm "greedy" but I know that he likes satisfying me so I just enjoy it. 

I always thought it was unfair that women can orgasm multiple times in one romp and men usually only once.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

Miss Taken said:


> I always feel like the more selfish one in the bedroom. We joke that I'm "greedy" but I know that he likes satisfying me so I just enjoy it.
> 
> I always thought it was unfair that women can orgasm multiple times in one romp and men usually only once.


That's a cute statement Miss Taken. Buuuut maybe your husband would say HE feels selfish because he gets to see you O and O again and again while he O's and is done for a while...


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## Thunder7 (Jan 2, 2013)

SpinDaddy said:


> I don’t know that it is selfish, but our intimacy is always focused on Ms. Spin.
> 
> And noooo I wouldn’t classify that as me being a Beta Male or a weenie because the sex is almost always mind blowingly awesome!
> 
> How’s that U-2 song go “If you want to kiss the sky you better learn how to kneel”?


I've been reading this thread, and the 'weenie' thread. I don't get something (well, a lot of things really). Is a guy who puts his wife's pleasure above his own considered a beta? That could be the stupidest thing I've ever heard. I haven't been sleeping much lately. Hopefully, it's a 'reading comprehension' thing.


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## T&T (Nov 16, 2012)

Thunder7 said:


> Is a guy who puts his wife's pleasure above his own considered a beta?


No, he's considered a sex god!


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Depends.

The man who takes his wife's temperature to know how he is feeling is codependent. And yeah, that's beta in spades.

If he doesn't have his own burning desire for sex, doesn't have a burning desire for his wife and only gets pleasure when his ego is propped up by his wife's response well... something is wrong there.

You can give and that's great. You can take but you have to throttle it. But if you don't have to throttle it the wife knows she isn't truly wanted. All of the pressure for her to respond isn't so she enjoys herself. It is to make her beta, codependent husband feel ok.

As I said earlier, good sex requires a certain amount of selfishness.

Nothing is black and white. It isn't easy to discern. I can't tell you if the guy who puts his wife's pleasure first is beta or codependent. Only that person can answer their true motivation. Many people don't realize they are taking someone else's temperature to figure out how they feel.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

capncrunch said:


> I'm usually pretty good with figuring out acronyms, but all I can imagine is guys in black suits giving BJs!
> 
> NSA BJ?


As c4e said it is no strings attached. I get my rocks off by grabbing him. Telling him he is mine and blow him while I remain dressed. Then give him a cuddle while he lies there all blissed out then I get up and continue with whatever it was I was doing. Makes me smile just thinking about it, I love that man.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Thunder7 said:


> I've been reading this thread, and the 'weenie' thread. I don't get something (well, a lot of things really). Is a guy who puts his wife's pleasure above his own considered a beta? That could be the stupidest thing I've ever heard. I haven't been sleeping much lately. Hopefully, it's a 'reading comprehension' thing.


It is a difficult dynamic to explain, because the words used to explain it don't really come out right...BUT...when a man is focused only on the woman's pleasure and this is his normal position, it feels "dead" and "boring" and "yucky" to the woman. But when saying this, it sounds like the words mean "he shouldn't focus on the woman's pleasure" and that isn't really right. 

Yes, he should focus on her pleasure *at times*, but he definitely needs to focus on his own pleasure *at times* also. If he doesn't and if he is _always_ focused on her, it feels inauthentic. It feels stifled and stale to her.

Even though he may be very lovingly and enthusiastically focused on her pleasure, if he does this exclusively it will not feel right to her. He will seem too soft and not passionate enough.

For me it is best when we're both focused on our own pleasure AND each other's at the same time. So for instance, I'll be on top and I will move my body in ways that make ME very hot, then I'll switch and move my body in ways that make HIM very hot (things feel different depending on how your hips are turned), then he'll grab my hips and hold me stationary and move his own body in ways that make HIM very hot, then he'll switch it up again and move in ways that make ME very hot (he can pound me from the bottom, actually). We can switch it up like this and have us both very tended to and satisfied, and both of us were selfish for moments but we also were always focused on each other.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> It is a difficult dynamic to explain, because the words used to explain it don't really come out right...BUT...when a man is focused only on the woman's pleasure and this is his normal position, it feels "dead" and "boring" and "yucky" to the woman. But when saying this, it sounds like the words mean "he shouldn't focus on the woman's pleasure" and that isn't really right.
> 
> Yes, he should focus on her pleasure *at times*, but he definitely needs to focus on his own pleasure *at times* also. If he doesn't and if he is _always_ focused on her, it feels inauthentic. It feels stifled and stale to her.
> 
> ...


And undoubtedly there are things that accomplish all of the above at the same time.


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## SpinDaddy (Nov 12, 2012)

Thunder7 said:


> I've been reading this thread, and the 'weenie' thread. I don't get something (well, a lot of things really). Is a guy who puts his wife's pleasure above his own considered a beta? That could be the stupidest thing I've ever heard. I haven't been sleeping much lately. Hopefully, it's a 'reading comprehension' thing.


I don’t know, but passion and intimacy can be too over thought. It’s not about a tally sheet of who got what but rather a subconscious plateau you both ascend. It should leave you both knobby kneed, spent and fulfilled. If you roll over afterward and think about it you probably weren’t there.

If you slink up behind her in the morning while making coffee, couple your arm around her tummy and nibble on her neck, her subtle melting into you (because hey we’ve got kids), should stand on its own to answer any question – was it good for you?

I liken it to formal dancing where two become one. You start out counting steps, you practice and practice. Ultimately you move in unison, you don’t think about it – you’re attuned to each other. 

It is art. 

But in practice one partner must lead and the other must follow. For us that natural lead is Ms. Spin.

Pshaw with the Beta, co-dependent psychotherapeutic jackassery. When two people can share incredibly mind blowing sexual intimacy the bean counting, who’s on top who’s on bottom stuff, just doesn’t really matter!


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## alonetogether8 (Aug 25, 2014)

I think my husband is selfish because he turns me down for sex. He thinks I am greedy because I want sex often.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

committed4ever said:


> Speaking of football, My H is using the preseason to get our almost 11 month old daughter in football fan "shape". He insists he is going to make a fan out of her. He bought her a soft football and has been playing with her with it. He sits her in front of the tv and acts out the plays with her. He tackles her and now she tackles him. She just loves it. His ref signals are her favorite, and she has actually learned to mimick the TD signal. He keeps telling her that even though she is a rookie, she just might earn a starting job come regular season.
> 
> /end threadjack
> 
> On the other hand, this will probably put an end to our *half-time "activities"*. I will have to readjust her naptime


So my wife and I aren't the only one with "half time activities" huh? My football day is Saturday, and hers is Sunday as I am a bigger college fan, and she's a bigger NFL fan.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

alonetogether8 said:


> I think my husband is selfish because he turns me down for sex. He thinks I am greedy because I want sex often.


:iagree:


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