# Details of his affair: he says "no way"



## Regga (Jan 22, 2013)

My husband had an affair. I'm confused about whether it became physical or if it was cyber-sex, or an emotional affair. He knew her from high school and said to me he always wanted to sleep with her because she was his crush. 
DH and I were in a rough spot during our marriage as we were coping with MANY forced changes: 1) he has a son (age 10) that lives with us full time; 2) his son's mother stupidly and tragically died 2 years after we met; 3) we moved to a new area; 4) had a baby girl; 5) I quit my dream job to raise her; 5) I opened a day care in my home and became isolated; 6) DH accepted a job right after our daughter was born that resulted in him being gone ALL the time; 7) DH has a SERIOUS porn addiction and 8) all of this took a serious toll on us and our relationship. So as to get to my point for posting, I won't elaborate as to why the affair took place, but it did. 
I have acknowledged that I understand where my husband was WHEN the affair took place. We were not exactly happy and I could see what drove him to seek attention elsewhere. I DO NOT find this as an excuse for his behavior. It was wrong. 
DH wasn't going to tell me about the affair. It happened in September 2012 (the week of his bday). I knew something was going on and called him on it a couple of times DURING that week! He vehemently denied anything and made me feel guilty for insinuating his unfaithfulness. (Something that infuriates me now.) My inner voice told me a few months later to recheck my theories and on 12/12/12 I discovered the affair by seeing phone records. I confronted DH and he confessed. I stayed at a friend's house that night as I was tired of being trapped in my home. 
My husband has showed remorse, has apologized, has answered questions and taken steps to address every concern I numbered above. He informed me he had "an affair" but did not have sex. He said he stopped everything shortly after she walked in the door because he realized he was in the wrong. He said she contacted him a few times after but he told her it was over. All the evidence I have suggests he is telling me the truth. He has deleted her from social networks and his life. Blah, blah. I think he is being sincere, now. 
I'm working on the trust thing and I know it will take time, but we had a blow-up last night that feels like a set-back. 
I told him about a post I read on this forum (he knows I've joined). I shared that reading some of the posts brought about new feelings for me and that I was struggling with mind movies. I asked what kind of affair he had and he said he didn't know. I asked for details about how it started: what was said to lead her on. He said he did not think that was something I should know because when he was betrayed by his son's mother he was given the details and it made it worse for him. Despite arguing and telling him it felt like his secrecy was more deception. He said he would not tell me details unless our therapist thought it would help. This upsets me. I want to know to help me move forward. I don't want to picture the horrible things I picture not knowing if it is something that happened or not. I want to know. 
Of course he could lie about it to 'protect' me...I think he has been telling me the truth since I found out. But why does he get to deny me the details?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Regga said:


> But why does he get to deny me the details?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Simply put, because you are allowing him to do that. Also he may fear that you might ask him to leave after you know the truth. Don't let him project "what made it worse for him" onto you. Stand your ground, if in fact you want to know.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

The fact that it was hid b'day would indicate *TO ME* that he wanted a "special" present. Whether he changed his mind when she walked in is questionable. Unless she had gained a ton and had BO. Otherwise, why go to those lenghts, I Presume he got a hotel room?

He should not be the judge of what you should and should not know. It's your life and your marriage.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

He has NO RIGHT to tell you that. NO RIGHT. Man, it pisses me off when these cheating liars do that!!  

If he is not voluntarily bending over backwards to prove to you that he is done cheating, kick him out. He does NOT get to call the shots here!!!!! He has also better be prepared for this to go on for a few years. Yes, YEARS. If he isn't in it for the long haul, and prepared to make better what HE did, get rid of him. Because he will continue cheating on you otherwise.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I think the reason most cheaters won't tell the truth ('the details') is that they are afraid their spouses will leave them if they know how truly they were betrayed.

I wouldn't believe that he pulled himself back. It sounds like they met up and had sex. He got caught. He didn't confess.

You have a right to the truth. You may well want to leave him when you have it, but that is also your right.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

I agree they don't want to tell the truth due to fear of being ditched. But also, if their are lies, fear of being found out. Fear of giving the game away. The more they talk. the more they risk dropping themselves in it. 

If they met up, it is highly highly unlikely they did not have sex. I would bet all I own that they did. And therefore, he is avoiding talking about it due to this not being uncovered. It makes no sense for him to say no, I refuse to talk because it made it worse for me. Understandable that he would have reservations, that he would warn you of these, but ultimately it should be your decision whether you go down this road or not. 

Also, if what he says is true, that he won't tell you because being told made it worse for him, how does he know? He doesn't know what it feels like to not be told. To be refused the truth when you are willing to give him a chance to work on and save the relationship. He only knows the pain of the truth. Not the refusal of truth and the having to fill in the blanks yourself. He does not know the pain of the lies. He is being very selfish.


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## kenmoore14217 (Apr 8, 2010)

Simply put REGGA, it's your way or the Hi-way!!


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## cj9947 (Jul 9, 2011)

Do NOT accept this from him. My wife tried the same thing. Getting the details is how I found out they did not use condoms and I needed to get an STD test. IMHO, he wants to conceal and minimize his actions.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

The "need to know" after an affair is almost universal. The old way to resolve this was to rugsweep the infidelity, don't ask about it anymore and focus in improving the marriage. This doesn't work, it's a proven fact. The most modern approaches include a full disclosure, to the betrayed satisfaction, including the less inclinded counselors. If you are going to start MC be sure to shop the right one, one who at least is familiarized with the work of Shirley Glass, the most reputed researcher about infidelity, specially for EAs and online EAs. 
Purchase two copies of NOT "Just Friends", a must read, written by this author. 

*Excerpted from NOT "Just Friends"*

After infidelity has entered a marriage, questions about specific details are frequently an entryway into a deeper story. For example, questions about what gifts or cards were exchanged are really probing for how invested the unfaithful partner was in the affair--emotionally and financially. One unfaithful wife and her affair partner made cassette tapes for each other with special love songs. Although it was extremely painful for the betrayed husband to listen to the romantic words of the songs, it helped him realize why it was so hard for his wife to let go of the affair. He was also shaken by what he had neglected. Ultimately, he was inspired to bring more romance back into their marriage.

The following 10 questions will guide your exploration of the circumstances of the infidelity and the meaning behind it. Some of them are questions I use in my clinical practice to bring a slightly different perspective on the underlying motivations. Discussing them will give you the raw material from which to co-construct your story.

*1. What did you say to yourself that gave you permission to get involved?*

There are all kinds of reasons for not stepping over the line that would normally stop you from entering a forbidden territory. Vulnerabilities and values will be revealed by the thoughts and actions that came up as you crossed thresholds into the extramarital relationship. Most likely, discussing these questions will uncover the magnetism of the relationship, the sense of curiosity, or the belief that nothing bad would come of it. One of the most revealing thoughts is whether the unfaithful partner considered the consequences of getting involved or only of getting caught.

For example, how did Ralph (who was married to Rachel) decide to go ahead with that secret lunch date he had with Lara? What was he anticipating? It's important to understand how a platonic friendship can shift into an affair. When people confide to opposite-sex friends about problems in their marriage, they are revealing a weak spot and signaling their availability at the same time. Although women share deep feelings with lots of people, particularly other women, men are usually most comfortable sharing their feelings in a love relationship. As a result, when a relationship becomes emotionally intimate, men tend to sexualize it. 

Through discussions with his wife, Lisa, Les figured out how he let himself be drawn into an affair with Fiona, a new colleague at work. He recognized that it started off with his compassion for Fiona's situation. He was moved by her tale of a distressed marriage, a disabled child, and a terminally ill father who lived with her.

Les admitted that he was flattered by Fiona's idealizing him when she compared him to her insensitive husband. He pictured himself as her protector rescuing her from her troubled life. One freezing Sunday, when he got a call from Fiona asking him to drive over and give her dead battery a charge he did share it with Lisa. Later, he and Lisa agreed that when he stopped talking about Fiona at home and started keeping his weekend phone calls secret, the friendship had shifted into an emotional affair. Sexual intimacy developed as Les became convinced that he was "in love" with Fiona, and he began to detach emotionally and sexually from the marriage.

Fiona had grown up in a working-class family without luxuries. She was thrilled when Les took her out to a simple lunch at a restaurant that had table service. In contrast, when Les and Lisa went to five-star restaurants, they took it for granted as part of their lifestyle. Les felt gratified that he could add a little joy to Fiona's troubled life.

Because Les and Lisa talked about how he felt sorry for Fiona, it became clear to both of them that he was vulnerable to rescuing maidens in distress. He vowed that in the future, he would erect distinct boundaries with unhappy, attractive women who touched his kind heart. When involved partners share their feelings on this level, they are letting their betrayed spouse inside their mind and re-forging their bond. They not only are discussing what occurred, but together they are gaining insight into the underlying dynamics.

*2. After the first time you had sex, did you feel guilty?*

Asking about guilt reveals the internalized values of the unfaithful partner. Some people never feel any guilt about getting involved. People who anticipate guilty feelings before they act are more inclined to avoid dangerous crossings. Others feel guilty after they act, although guilt after the transgression doesn't necessarily keep them from repeating their "sin."

Some people feel so disgusted with themselves after their first extramarital sex that they get together again with the affair partner as soon as possible: another dose of the aphrodisiac offers them a temporary escape from their self-loathing. Some get rid of their guilt and continue the affair by rationalizing that nobody is getting hurt because they are "not taking anything away" from their spouse or family. Others transform guilty feelings by taking responsibility and terminating their extramarital behaviors long before they are discovered.

*3. How could it go on so long if you knew it was wrong?*

Affairs are both messy and glamorous. The forbidden, unstable nature of secret affairs keeps passion flowing years beyond what's common in a stable relationship. Unfaithful spouses often appear to be addicted to their lovers. They fail in their efforts to end the affair time and time again, pulled back by a magnetic force they can't seem to resist. Only with great determination are they able to break the spell.

Comprehending what started an affair is different from comprehending what kept it going. It may have started out of a shared interest or sexual attraction but continued because of a deepening emotional attachment. Or it may have started as an emotional affair and continued because the sex was so great. Or it may have started because the marriage was in a slump but continued because it assumed a life of its own long after the marriage improved.

It is as important to understand how the affair ended as it is to understand what sustained it. The ramifications of an affair that was ended by the unfaithful spouse before disclosure are very different from an affair that was ended either by the affair partner or by the ultimatums of the betrayed partner. If the affair ended abruptly, the attachment will be harder to break than if the affair died a natural death. It's easier to put a relationship behind you if you're the one who made the decision to leave.

*4. Did you think about me at all?*

If the unfaithful partner had been thinking about the betrayed partner, he or she wouldn't have gotten so involved in the first place. The act of infidelity is not about the person who was betrayed--it is about the person who did the betraying. Betrayed spouses often see themselves as a central character in a spouse's affair and believe that every step was taken with them in mind. "How could you do this to me?" they ask. The reality is that the involved spouse probably didn't consider his or her partner much at all. Simply put, unfaithful partners seldom anticipate the tragic consequences or the pain they inflict.

It will probably be hurtful for betrayed partners to learn that although unfaithful spouses have difficulty suppressing thoughts of their lovers at home, they are unlikely to think about their spouses while they are in their love nests. Intrusive thoughts of lovers flow from necessity of maintaining secrets, but it takes little energy to suppress thoughts of socially sanctioned marriages.

5*. What did you share about us?*

This question addresses the issues of loyalty to the marriage and the nature of emotional intimacy in the affair. The betrayed partner has an understandable interest in knowing how much of a window the affair partner had into the marriage. The betrayed partner might also want to know how he or she and the marriage were portrayed.

Some unfaithful partners give positive accounts of their marriages and glowing descriptions of their spouses, to the bewilderment and chagrin of their affair partners. Others describe their spouses as cold or distant. It's hard to know whether this is an attempt to deceive by making the marriage look bad or whether it is a misguided unburdening of real marital woes. In any case, if you are the unfaithful partner, it's important for you to talk to your spouse about real problems in the marriage that you've discussed only with your affair partner. The next chapter will help you both review the story of your marriage and address these problems together.

In the event that the marriage was shielded and the betrayed spouse was never discussed, why were these topics not discussed with the affair partner? Some unfaithful partners try to keep their double lives completely separate by compartmentalizing. They may delude themselves into thinking that they are honoring their marriage by shielding it from the scrutiny of the person they are cheating with

*6. Did you talk about love or about a future together?*

Talking about love is likely to bring to the surface errors of assumed similarity. The betrayed partner might insist that love and marriage were part of the picture and won't believe otherwise. If the involved partner does confess to being in love, this admission can make sense of events in a way that rote denials never could. It would explain why the affair went on so long and why it took so long to recover from the loss.

If you are the involved partner, however, you should not fabricate a story of unrequited love just to satisfy your partner's misguided projections. Be honest about whatever romantic declarations or talk of the future did occur. Otherwise, your betrayed partner may fill in the blanks with scenarios that are far more painful than the actual truth. Admit it if you ever shared dreams of "riding off into the sunset" together or said "I love you" in the heat of passion. I have seen it backfire when betrayed partners found incriminating love letters or e-mails after involved partners denied exchanging words of love or dreams of the future.

If you are the betrayed partner, make a strong effort to hear the story without filtering it through your own subjective lens. Infidelity does occur without falling in love. You must be open to versions that vary from your belief system unless you have valid evidence that you are getting a watered-down rendition.

*7. What did you see in the affair partner?
*
The betrayed partner will already have a portrait of the affair partner, but it is almost never the whole picture. Betrayed spouses are prone to place all the blame on the affair partner, preferring to believe that their gullible spouse was manipulated and seduced. They may not be willing to accept that the person to whom they're married took an active role, and therefore displace a lot of the anger and rage onto the affair partner. Involved partners must recount the ways they encouraged the affair and invested energy to keep it going. It is less likely that an infidelity will happen again when the involved partner owns up to having been a full participant.

Al and Amber quarreled about their divergent perceptions of his affair partner, Zelda, who worked for him. Amber regarded Zelda as "a ***** and a manipulative **** who was out to get Al's money." In reaction, Al glorified Zelda's competence and loyalty. But the more Al talked about Zelda, the more he realized that he could never have maintained a long-term relationship with her because of her mood swings. Amber, on the other hand, grew to understand that Zelda's constant praise and high energy appealed to Al. Finally, they arrived at a combined picture of Zelda as a hard-working woman with a charged personality who used flattery to get what she wanted

Betrayed partners vacillate between glorifying the lover as an incomparable rival and disparaging him or her as a despicable human being. Questions about physical appearance, personality, and intellect are attempts to see whether they measure up to their rival in sex appeal and achievement. These questions aren't helpful, as they seldom reveal the lure of the affair partners looking rather ordinary. The appeal of the affair is frequently in the positive mirroring or the sounding board it provides, rather than in the lover's charisma.

*8. What did you like about yourself in the affair? How were you different?*

Instead of focusing on what the affair partner was like, it is more productive to focus on what the unfaithful partner was like in the extramarital relationship. New relationships allow people to be different: more assertive, more frivolous, or more giving. A strong attraction of affairs is the opportunity to try on new roles: the insensitive, detached husband becomes energized by his own empathy and devotion; the sexually uninterested wife is exhilarated by newfound passion and erotic fantasies. In long-term relationships, the potential to develop a different persona is constricted by familiarity. For example, a man who is a powerful CEO in a large corporation is regarded and teased in his family of origin as "the baby."

A good question for the involved partner is: "What did you experience about yourself in the affair that you would like to experience in the marriage?" Perhaps the marriage can begin to foster these positive aspects of the self. In fact, the betrayed partner may find it hurtful that the involved partner enjoyed them first with somebody else.

*9. Were there previous infidelities or opportunities, and how was this time similar or different?*

This is an opportunity to examine any patterns of infidelity or near misses that may be relevant to how this affair unfolded. Discuss how you or your partner handled previous temptations, even if no lines were crossed. Explore past experiences of slippery slopes and blurred boundaries. If this is not the first incident, ask how this infidelity is different from or the same as the others. Were there earlier experiences that were "only oral sex" or "sex without love" or "love without sex"? 

Partners who were too accepting of an earlier infidelity can mislead their spouses into thinking it's no big deal to be discovered. One unfaithful husband told me that his affair had been worth it. It had taken him only two weeks to pay for something that had felt good for six months.

Not every couple takes the time or has the guidance and support to work through betrayals that have occurred before. Although you might prefer to move ahead without dredging up all that old, miserable stuff, past affairs that are not dealt with will continue to contaminate your relationship.

*10. Did you have unprotected sex?*

Sad to say, this is one of those questions that you must ask. Ignoring the risk of disease or pregnancy is a thoughtless act. Some unfaithful partners give an adolescent rationale: "We were swept away by love and didn't want it to look like it was preplanned." Although relying on birth control pills or diaphragms may protect from unwanted pregnancies, those methods still expose the participants to sexually transmitted diseases. Few people regard their affair partners as a possible source of infection, so they don't take the necessary precautions to have safe sex.

Unprotected sex is a painful reminder of how inconsiderate and reckless the unfaithful partner may have been during the affair. Regardless of protestations, both spouses should be tested for AIDS and other sexually transmitted diseases. Willingness to submit to these humbling medical exams and tests is an act of consideration and accountability by the involved partner that will remove another obstacle to resuming safe marital sex. 


Source
10 questions to ask your unfaithful spouse


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## Regga (Jan 22, 2013)

Wow Acabado: How very generous of you to share that! I am finding that the more knowledge I get from this site...I become more angry. Which lets me know I have some serious things to work on. 
I believe that behind anger is fear. I'm scared of losing. 
Thank you SOOO much for your supportive posts. I do plan to continue to press that I know what I want to know because it's what I want. If he decides to not provide details, I will pack bags.
I do believe everything he has told me thus far. I know it sounds crazy to some, or like I am not seeing clearly when I believe he did not have sex with her...but I have peace with his answer.
Any more suggestions or support is greatly appreciated. It's nice to connect to others.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

So- He was cheated on and that means he knows the agony he was bestowing upon you yet he continued....wow. Just wow.

And HE has made all the decisions for the both of you that he needs to be making for a VERY long time. HE cannot be trusted to make decisions. He doesnt decide IF you know the details. IF you want them- he gives them or he leaves. It really is that simple.


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## Regga (Jan 22, 2013)

Right cantttrustu! That was my argument. It made the conversation stop and I walked away fuming. 
We fight really well: no name calling or bashing. We're both pretty analytical, so we share what we think. We often function better after fighting and don't hold grudges. But when the fights are not resolved by bedtime, it's yucky. This one's yucky. 
I don't like conflict and I want more good days. I want to move forward and get over this. I know it will never fully go away, but I want to strive for that.
I did just get a text from him that he would tell me everything I wanted to know. So maybe my argument worked.
I do want all to know that even though he said he did not have sex, I got tested for STD's. Everything came back clear. I didn't ever think about making him go get tested...how did I miss that?!?!? I guess that's a next step.
I will be ordering NOT "Just Friends" and read that. Just reading those 10 questions gave me some insight into my feelings and thinking. Thank you again Acabado!


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

> I have acknowledged that I understand where my husband was WHEN the affair took place. We were not exactly happy and I could see what drove him to seek attention elsewhere. I DO NOT find this as an excuse for his behavior. It was wrong.
> DH wasn't going to tell me about the affair. It happened in September 2012 (the week of his bday). I knew something was going on and called him on it a couple of times DURING that week! He vehemently denied anything and made me feel guilty for insinuating his unfaithfulness. (Something that infuriates me now.) My inner voice told me a few months later to recheck my theories and on 12/12/12 I discovered the affair by seeing phone records. I confronted DH and he confessed. I stayed at a friend's house that night as I was tired of being trapped in my home.
> My husband has showed remorse, has apologized, has answered questions and taken steps to address every concern I numbered above. He informed me he had "an affair" but did not have sex. He said he stopped everything shortly after she walked in the door because he realized he was in the wrong. He said she contacted him a few times after but he told her it was over. All the evidence I have suggests he is telling me the truth. He has deleted her from social networks and his life. Blah, blah. I think he is being sincere, now.


This is 95% like my story. The 5% difference was they allegedly never met because, IMO, I caught it early enough. What's crazy is I found my Wife's in September as well. TAM helped a ton. The only thing I wish, at times, was that I waited and looked at TAM FIRST. That's part of my issue right now. If I would have snooped further, done the VAR and spied on her phone I'd know if it was really "just friends" and not have to fully trust her words alone.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Instead of packing your bags (if he's not forthcoming), pack his stuff in trashbagsand put them by the door. Or just tell him to pack and not return until he is ready to tell you what you want to know.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Regga it does not matter if it was an EA or PA somethings have to happen to make sure it is A over and B That you can R and not rugsweep the issues

1. He has to answer all your questions that you have.
2. You must expose the A to his family and the OW's bf or h
3. He must right a no contact letter for you to send to the OW
4. All email, FB and phone passwords need to be handed over
5. STD test for everyone all around

If there is a balk at any of this his stuff goes on the street. The exposure is not something yoiu discuss with him it is something you do and swiftly. He will just have to deal with it.

6. MC for you both. You may start going on your own but he will start going with if a true R is important to him.


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

*Regga:*Most stories here indicate that the WS will almost never admit to anything beyond what the BS can prove.

I'm a cheater. But my situation is different from most here. I did confess my infidelity, but only after I discovered my W's affair. (yeah - it's a mess).

But I did trickle-truth her for a few weeks until the true dimensions of my A were finally exposed (5 year A). I did volunteer all the info w/o being asked, which I think is more the exception than the rule, but again, our dynamics are different.

While my W admitted a great deal of info about her A, I still do not think she has been completely truthful about it and probably will never be. It really doesn't matter to me to have the gory details - I can do w/o it.

My point is - most likely, your H will not admit to any more than you can prove one on one w/ you. He may expose more w/ some prodding from a MC, but if he is not truly remorseful, don't count on it.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Regga said:


> Wow Acabado: How very generous of you to share that! I am finding that the more knowledge I get from this site...I become more angry. Which lets me know I have some serious things to work on.
> I believe that behind anger is fear. I'm scared of losing.
> Thank you SOOO much for your supportive posts. I do plan to continue to press that I know what I want to know because it's what I want. If he decides to not provide details, I will pack bags.
> I do believe everything he has told me thus far. I know it sounds crazy to some, or like I am not seeing clearly when I believe he did not have sex with her...but I have peace with his answer.
> Any more suggestions or support is greatly appreciated. It's nice to connect to others.


Well heres a good litmus test for him.....ask him to take a poly concerning the sex part. Gage his reaction- should speak volumes.


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## Regga (Jan 22, 2013)

walkonmars said:


> Instead of packing your bags (if he's not forthcoming), pack his stuff in trashbagsand put them by the door. Or just tell him to pack and not return until he is ready to tell you what you want to know.


Because he has a 10 year old. I don't want to be responsible for him. And I hate my house. With the career I've chosen, I feel like I'm on house arrest. I would take the baby and make him wonder.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Regga (Jan 22, 2013)

canttrustu said:


> Well heres a good litmus test for him.....ask him to take a poly concerning the sex part. Gage his reaction- should speak volumes.


Because I'm somewhat lazy, how does one go about getting a polygraph test set up?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Regga said:


> Because I'm somewhat lazy, how does one go about getting a polygraph test set up?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He arranges AND pays for it. You provide the questions


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## Regga (Jan 22, 2013)

mahike said:


> Regga it does not matter if it was an EA or PA somethings have to happen to make sure it is A over and B That you can R and not rugsweep the issues
> 
> 1. He has to answer all your questions that you have.
> 2. You must expose the A to his family and the OW's bf or h
> ...


He's given me access to everything and due to our fight last night, decided to delete his social networks. 
I called his mother (who is the only one left on his side) the day after I discovered and told her. But I have no clue if the OP is involved in a relationship and would like to just not deal with her. 
I know it's been months since he's had contact with her. Even though he shot my suspicions down in September, I still watched and spied. A letter to end all seems weird to me, but I will consider it!
We started MC two weeks ago and he was thrilled to participate. 
I'm waiting on the questions to be answered. 
My husband has shared more information than directly answering my questions. Because he's suffering from a serious porn addiction and I know how he hides things, I know where to look, how to recover deleted material and if something is fishy I know I'm stumbling across inappropriate material. 
When I married DH, his bragging right was that he had never cheated and would never cheat. This statement was repeated by friends and family without his prompting. Still didn't make me think it couldn't happen! 
I have my ways of finding out things...so this leads me to my next question. In September, when he made me feel guilty for asking him if he was having an affair, I told him I needed to meet the OP so that I could judge whether I thought a friendship between them was appropriate. Because nothing ever moved forward with this request, I became suspicious again and eventually discovered the affair. 
However, DH told me he had asked the OP to meet me. (Mind you, he wasn't going to tell me about the affair.) He said she would...should I call and talk with her about their affair? Or just leave this door closed? Anyone been in this situation to shed light?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

I think generally you can count on the fact that the AP will lie to protect your spouse as well as themselves. It depends on their nature also. You might find that they say awful things to you, true or untrue, because their goal is to ruin your marriage. And they feel spurned by your spouse due to him ending it with her. This has happened many times I have read. There is a rare AP that will give you truth due to feeling empathy with you and guilt. Very rare. If they are the kind of person that will Chase a married man, they don't have morals. Don't think of this as a way to truth. Though it is up to you if you do it or not.

I confronted my man's AP. Had a cup of tea with her! And I had to be nice to her otherwise I would not get what I wanted, which was the answer to my question. When was the last time they slept together? She lied to cover his/her ass. And I didn't believe what she said. But I did put what she said to my man. And I also made some things up. This gave me the answers to whether what she said was true or not. His reactions to what I said. Was it worth it for me? I would say yes. But I have read a few stories here that doing that has been a most awful experience and they wish they had never done it.

If you believe you WH is being truthful, there is no mileage gained. If you doubt him, then it is up to you if you take the risk of confronting her. 

I don't see it in the same way as others that you are letting her 'win' by showing her you are bothered. So long as you keep your cool you will can that she has done little to hurt you and that she is meaningless in your marriage. You just want some answers to see if you can be arsed to give the idiot she slept with another chance. If you do confront, be very careful not to feed her clues or answers. And consider carefully if it is really worth it.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

PS. also, he may have primed her with answers if you question her. And she will protect him. Because by protecting him, she is protecting her.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Regga, your husband may be right. When my wife cheated on me that was all I needed to know.

I felt crushed any way. Knowing the details of what they did would have been far, far worse for me, I feel.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

I agree the details are not helpful. But I needed to know the frequency, the where and when, and when the last time was. I also needed to know his feelings for her, if he loved her, and why it ended.

All I wanted from her was to verify the final date. And the how many times. Which she didn't do. Instead I got things from her which made me question his honesty. And rightly so.


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## Regga (Jan 22, 2013)

So he gave me the details in an email. It was hard, but I don't regret asking for them or reading them. For me, it's knowing exactly how he betrayed me. I'm learning about him. Apparently he's still learning about me because he thought I would jet when I learned it all.
It's the secrets, the lies, the 'protecting' that I can't stand. This affair (which was a PA and EA) is managable for me. Not acceptable, but managable. 
I don't think I will contact AP. I will eventually run into her as my stepson and her daughter play for the same baseball league and live in our area...but when that time comes, I will smile and walk away.


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

Regga said:


> .but when that time comes, I will smile and walk away.


Hopefully a "knowing smile"...

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Soifon (Oct 5, 2012)

Regga said:


> So he gave me the details in an email. It was hard, but I don't regret asking for them or reading them. For me, it's knowing exactly how he betrayed me. I'm learning about him. Apparently he's still learning about me because he thought I would jet when I learned it all.
> It's the secrets, the lies, the 'protecting' that I can't stand. This affair (which was a PA and EA) is managable for me. Not acceptable, but managable.
> I don't think I will contact AP. I will eventually run into her as my stepson and her daughter play for the same baseball league and live in our area...but when that time comes, I will smile and walk away.


So what are his consequences for cheating on you? Because all he's learned about you is that he can get away with it.


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

Soifon said:


> So what are his consequences for cheating on you?


*
^^This was a pertinent question ^^*





Soifon said:


> Because all he's learned about you is that he can get away with it.


*^^ This is a conclusion on your part w/o Regga having the opportunity to answer your question.*




.


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## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

Regga said:


> So he gave me the details in an email. It was hard, but I don't regret asking for them or reading them. For me, it's knowing exactly how he betrayed me. I'm learning about him. Apparently he's still learning about me because he thought I would jet when I learned it all.
> It's the secrets, the lies, the 'protecting' that I can't stand. This affair (which was a PA and EA) is managable for me. Not acceptable, but managable.
> I don't think I will contact AP. I will eventually run into her as my stepson and her daughter play for the same baseball league and live in our area...but when that time comes, I will smile and walk away.


Great proof, for future legal use if needed! Put it in a safe deposit box after making copies. You can demand that he gets sex-addiction treatment asap.


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## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

Remains said:


> PS. also, he may have primed her with answers if you question her. And she will protect him. Because by protecting him, she is protecting her.


Very, very true. I deciphered this because they used the very same, exact words to me and I had spoken to them separately...It was corroborated and rehearsed from the first day I made contact with OW. They had three 45 minute phone calls to streamline their story. They have each other's backs. Prior letters about insinuations of his actions before their A came to light, are now missing. And some phone bills I had in my possession, he ripped to pieces when I confronted him with them. Destroying the evidence of their sordid affair. Yawn.


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## Regga (Jan 22, 2013)

We had a huge blow-up this last thursday and I kicked him out. To make a long story short, he has to participate in sex therapy. I outed him to his family and friends. He was really ashamed, embarrassed and angry. But it will hold him accountable. 
He's going to be staying with family and friends for some time. 
I decided not to call the AP to discuss the affair. But I did HAVE to call her Thursday night to ask if my husband was with her or if she had heard from him. She told me she hadn't heard from him in months and that she didn't have any contact info for him, and later texted me that she would tell me if he contacted her. (That night I thought my husband was going to commit suicide.) So I believed her and I think she knew what was going on. She even apologized to me. It was a form of closure! Magical!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Is he/was he going to therapy?


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## Regga (Jan 22, 2013)

He was going to therapy before, but now he has therapy for the porn addiction: Candeo online program and cognitive behavioral individual therapy. Then we have MC. A lot of freakin' therapy!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Was the blowup on Thursday related to therapy, the affair, or your attitude about "wanting to know/not letting it rest? 

What's your take? Progress or marking time?


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## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

im so sorry regga my ew cheated on me so painful and even though she asked to work it out i would never forgive her. we have 1 son lives with me most of the time we are civil. you are still young and very beautiful go find a guy that deserves you and that you and your kid deserve.


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## Regga (Jan 22, 2013)

Fight came when I asked for passwords to accounts and sent msgs and trash folders were empty. He has a porn addiction. I know the affair was a one time thing. But the fact he wasn't honest and didn't trust that I would accept him despite his addiction, it made it a deal breaker. So I kicked him out and told his family about the porn. It took him to his 'low.' 
I think...and I'm not really religious nor comfortable talking about God...but there has been some SERIOUS spiritual growth. It has been such a rush. So, I don't know if it's hysterical bonding, but we're clicking and reconciling. I'm all smiles but know there is some serious work coming. Am glad I have my friend back, though!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Regga said:


> Fight came when I asked for passwords to accounts and sent msgs and trash folders were empty. He has a porn addiction. I know the affair was a one time thing. But the fact he wasn't honest and didn't trust that I would accept him despite his addiction, it made it a deal breaker. So I kicked him out and told his family about the porn.
> 
> *Good job! Don 't settle for unacceptable behavior. The fact that the acct was wiped clean is unacceptable. Don't let this stand. Tell him it's a dealbreaker for you now and will be for a long time. Please find a thread started by the poster named "Artsy" She's having the same kind of issue with her hubby. *
> 
> ...


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## Regga (Jan 22, 2013)

Ah! I'm pretty hardcore when it comes tp holding people accountable. He knows I don't and won't mess around. I will be looking into Artsy's posts! Thanks!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Regga said:


> Ah! I'm pretty hardcore when it comes tp holding people accountable. He knows I don't and won't mess around. I will be looking into Artsy's posts! Thanks!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Excellent. Here's her thread

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/66766-why-isnt-prerecorded-porn-good-enough.html


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