# I found her EA, she apologized and ended it. What now?



## upstate_guy (Oct 28, 2010)

Right around our one-year wedding anniversary, W seeked out and started emailing an ex from college. They were in contact for 3 months behind my back before I came across evidence and asked her about what was going on. She considered it just a reconnection with an old friend who has common background/interests (that I don't share), but I have very hurt feelings about the fact that she went outside our marriage, gave attention to another man (particularly someone she has a sexual history with), and did not inform me that any of it was going on. 

I believe that her actions constituted an EA, albeit one that was in the somewhat early stages. The OM lives several hours away but in a city that W occasionally travels to, and early on in their exchange they both indicated an interest to each other in meeting up 'for drinks' the next time she was in town. I know that they also exchanged phone calls and text messages in addition to the emails.

W and I have had a few conversations about the situation; after I first brought it up, she said that she hadn't realized how much it would hurt me, and agreed to send a final email to OM ending their contact, which she followed has through on. She says that she was going through a difficult time and that she tried to tell me that I wasn't meeting her needs, but I didn't respond, and so she began reaching out to friends from her past; OM is apparently the only one who reciprocated. It doesn't look like things had reached a romantic level but I find myself worrying about how far things might have gone if I hadn't discovered it and interrupted it.

I've been trying to make positive changes in myself and make sure that I am meeting all of her needs now, ever since discovering the EA, but I'm having trouble dealing with some dark thoughts while trying to also be a great husband at the same time. I feel like I have trust issues now, and I don't know how I can project confidence and increase my appeal to her when my self-esteem is near an all-time low.

I guess the important thing is that she ended the EA and is now indicating an interest in wanting to repair our relationship. Is this the time to man up and put my bad feelings aside for the sake of projecting a 'better me' to her? Do I just put the EA aside and start resuming married life as it should be: going on dates, etc? It's clear that we have communication issues to work on, so do we start marriage counseling? Should the EA be brought up in counseling or is that going to push W away?

Basically, I'm trying to figure out how to make myself feel better without looking like a wimp, while repairing my marriage at the same time. I'm having trouble sleeping, eating and focusing at work so I want to make some changes soon, I'm just not sure in which direction to focus my energies.


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## Almostthere (Oct 31, 2010)

Emotional Affair Journey
I found this website and thought you mmay find it helpful, does seem to have some good advice, take care, and know that you are not alone in feeling betrayed and hurt by these actions.


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## moeman (Aug 12, 2010)

The dark thoughts and feelings of low self esteem are normal. The feelings will get better but at a gradual level. She seems to be doing the right things (in my case "I'm sorry" wasn't part of my W's vocabulary). So I am sure you'll find it easier to move on ( you've heard this many times already and believe me I know it's easier said than done).

all the best,
M.


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## a0330v (Oct 17, 2010)

Dear Upstate-Guy,
What you want to do now is start from the beginning. 
It seems like the issue that created the emotional affair was a miscommunication between the two of you. Since this is a young marriage, you still have to learn each others communication styles in order to detect subtle pleas for emotional support. 
If the two of you communicate your needs for support differently, while your wife and her ex had already learned each others communication style at a previous stage in life, she might have felt it was easier to reach out to him as a temporary fix.
This action has nothing to do with who you are as a person. She simply did what the human mind is created to do: find the easiest possible solution to an issue. Her issue was emotional, so she found the person she easily could unload her emotional distress onto. 
You can use this human trait to your advantage in the future. The more intimate conversations, yes dates are a brilliant idea, the two of you have, the more you will learn about how she communicates her needs. During intimate conversations, granted you let her speak while you truly listen, a person opens up fully and clearly displays her needs and how she would like them to be met. This is your tool to make sure you know who she is, where she is and what she needs from you as a loving life-partner. Not only will she love that you are paying her attention by putting on nice nights at restaurants, bars, cafes, movie theaters etc, she will also appreciate that you listen and care about her emotional needs. 

Here is a simple action plan:
1. Write down all the reasons why you fell in love with your wife on a piece of paper and read it every morning before you start your day. This is a powerful tool to make sure you start each and every day with a positive, loving mindset to wards life and most importantly your beautiful wife.
2. Take her on 1 midweek date and 1 weekend date each week. 
-The midweek one is to catch up on how things are going at work, making sure you stay connected and intimate with each in the Mon-Fri rush. This could be a cozy dinner at home, watching your favorite show, going to happy hour, talking an evening walk etc.
- The weekend date could be a stroll in the park, an afternoon at a coffee shop, a dinner, a drink at your favorite bar etc. This is for you guys to connect deeper, be relaxed around each other and rediscover your love
3. Do this for at least 3 weeks and see if the two of you feel closer. If you do great!!! That means all the two of you needed was a little more time and attention for each other.
If you feel like things are not quite reconnecting, you might want to consider counseling. Make sure you speak to your wife about the possibility of counseling before making an appointment. Also agree on what you want to discuss during counseling and what kind of counselor would be best for the both of you. If you do choose seeking outside help, make sure the therapist clicks with you on a personal level (is supportive, understanding and neutral) and commit to 2-3 months of weekly sessions. 

The best marriages work because of one simple principle:
You put her needs first, while she puts your needs first. This way both partners act out of a selfless mindset and are truly open to any needs the other person is displaying in her personal communication style. 

Please reply if you need any additional advice. 
All the Best,
A.


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