# Unhappy husband



## sadmonkey2001 (7 mo ago)

Never thought I would find myself here, but here I am. I've been married for almost 14 years. 13.5 years of my marriage have been "happy wife, happy life" mentality. I was a cop for almost all those years and got out 9 months ago to salvage what I had left, even after an affair. My wife took me back, so she says, but coming from a small town, its a stigma if you get divorced. I started a company that is growing very slowly but my wife makes zero effort to help me grow. We still attend counseling because it makes her feel good to point out my flaws, which the counselor eats up, but it drags me down miserably where I don't want to talk to her for days afterwards. I have come to realize she has not benefitted me or helped me grow as a person as she is still extremely attached to her family that lives fences over from us. A little over a year ago, I had serious thoughts of killing myself thinking that is the only way out and at least she and the kids would get some financial benefits out of it (don't worry, I looked into the conditions). I've tried to convince her to move out of state away from her family so we could start fresh and somewhere new but she tells me she will never leave her family and she has a right to be selfish. I'm at a loss and feel that I will forever be stuck in this revolving door where I'm placed below her family and what they think is best. And to reiterate, I know I ****ed up having an affair but I have come to realize after over two years of it happening, I longed for someone who felt like they needed me more than their own family and more than financial status.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You have a choice. Take it or leave it. Unfortunately your poor choices didn’t help the situation.
You seem to grasp at poor choices. Fix that and think long term.


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## Layla96_Life (7 mo ago)

I will not lie to you, but your situation is very difficult, honestly, you can do as you wish because I do not think you can save this marriage, but there is always hope.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Well, you certainly screwed yourself over with having an affair. Why should she move away from her family after that? Some people can heal from infidelity, some cannot. 

We don't know how much work and effort you have put into reconciliation, or what the marriage actually looked like before (not you rewriting history to defend your choice to cheat). It does sound like you may need a new marriage therapist, though.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

When a relationship gets to be this hard, it's not longer a relationship, is punishment. Why continue, then?


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## Jimmysgirl (9 mo ago)

My wife doesn't help me grow. My wife doesn't benefit me. My wife loves her family more than me. My wife doesn't help my business. 
YOU had an affair. You're basically saying there's nothing in the marriage for you. What's in it for her?


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## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

Yep. You're right you f****d up.She has a right to be hurt, to be angry, to leave. What she doesn't have a right to do is abuse you for years. What she triple doesn't have a right to do is abuse you to the point you consider suicide.

It sounds to me like your counsellor is not helping. Can you find another? Maybe a change in counsellor will break this 'pile on monkey' time, and actually move toward healing.

It might not be fixable. Sometimes is isn't.

But above all, if you start getting those thoughts again call help, your kids deserve their Dad present. 1-800-273-8255 National Suicide Prevention Hotline.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Why move away with some who cheated? Do you really not understand this?


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## projectconnx (7 mo ago)

Ok so I've joined this forum just to reply to you buddy.

The worst thing you could have done is join a forum looking for advice and mention you had an affair. At that point no one will really offer any useful help, instead, it turns into multiple people putting you down making you feel even worse than you do, you having an affair doesn't give anyone the right to start telling you how you deserve nothing, people seem to forget that there's an actual person behind this post.

I want to tell you that I understand your situation completely, why? Because I've been you.

I had an affair and you know what, I don't regret it at all, the only person I feel sorry for is my kids but the affair hasn't affected our relationship, do I talk to their mother? Nope, and I'm happy with that.

People who haven't been in our position have no right to call you a horrible person or say you don't deserve anything in return from your wife.
Here's a little insight for the people who haven't been through it, THE ONLY REASON AN AFFAIR HAPPENS IS BECAUSE FOR A LONG PERIOD OF TIME SOMETHING HAS NOT BEEN RIGHT AT HOME.

I myself spent years trying to make it work for the kid's sake, no matter how much we tried to work things through, things just went back, I felt trapped and felt the only way out was to kill myself, to self medicate I turned to alcohol, that numbed it for a while but my consumption became more and more and that scared me so I stopped.

I then had to start taking medication to make myself feel "better", they worked and I was taking them for 3 years, in that time our relationship didn't change.

Fast forward a couple of years and we're in 2020, I started speaking to a colleague at work via email, nothing out of line, just general chat, that then turned into flirting, and then eventually feelings came into it for the both of us, we both were in a relationship but our partners made us miserable, we spoke about it often and we were both going through a similar thing. The more we got to know each other the more we realised how much more we had in common with each other than we had with our partners. My wife found out as she figured out I had been speaking to someone, i agreed to stop. That didn't last long and to be honest, I didn't want to stop, the only time I felt happy was when I was speaking to her. The moment I stopped I was miserable. She was giving me what my wife didn't, she made me feel wanted and good enough. My wife's comments in the past made me very insecure about my appearance she would often say I'm not a real man and show me pictures of guys she liked and would say that's what I want. From that point, I lost all feelings and respect for her.

Fast forward a couple of months and I and the colleague would meet up and spend time together and eventually, we had sex. What was probably lust at the start turned into love and we both fell out of love with our current partners. We decided that we would leave our current life and give ourselves a chance, was that selfish on my part considering I have kids? Hell no, sometimes you have to do what's best for you and deal with the consequences after.

We're in 2022 now and I'm still with the colleague we are very happy together, even the people we work with said the best thing that happened was that we found each other. I came off medication as soon as I left the marriage and never needed them since so what does that tell you? The kids love my new partner and have a great relationship, currently going through courts for better access to the kids and I have a final hearing next month and things are looking very good. Oh and we're going through a divorce, all the financials are done and signed.

So the best thing I could have done to improve myself mentally and my lifestyle was to have that affair, it gave me the push to actually leave and say, you know what? It's done and I don't want to try anymore.

I know you want to try and good on you. What I will say though is don't let your wife punish you for the rest of your life, she decided to take you back after knowing you had an affair, so she either needs to accept it and move on or call it a day, shes only mentally torturing herself and you. I know that's easier said than done, I'd find it difficult to accept it and move on but I've always said if I was to be cheated on I would just break up because I know I wouldn't be able to work past it.


Roll on the insulting replies saying I'm heartless and a horrible person, please do reply, I really don't care what people think, only I know the situation.

If you want someone to speak to then message me directly and ill not judge you as most would, I support you 100%.

Here for you bud


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

projectconnx said:


> Ok so I've joined this forum just to reply to you buddy.
> 
> The worst thing you could have done is join a forum looking for advice and mention you had an affair. At that point no one will really offer any useful help, instead, it turns into multiple people putting you down making you feel even worse than you do, you having an affair doesn't give anyone the right to start telling you how you deserve nothing, people seem to forget that there's an actual person behind this post.
> 
> ...


I don't agree on how you handled your marriage, you should have left when she pulled this on you:


projectconnx said:


> My wife's comments in the past made me very insecure about my appearance she would often say I'm not a real man and show me pictures of guys she liked and would say that's what I want. From that point, I lost all feelings and respect for her.


You didn't need someone else to leave, does that mean if you didn't find any one else then you will stay married to your wife that you do not love or respect?!

However, I do agree %100 with you on this:


projectconnx said:


> The worst thing you could have done is join a forum looking for advice and mention you had an affair. At that point no one will really offer any useful help, instead, it turns into multiple people putting you down making you feel even worse than you do, you having an affair doesn't give anyone the right to start telling you how you deserve nothing, people seem to forget that there's an actual person behind this post.


Many posters here (*not all!*) will focus all their energy on the affair part, kicking the poster down even more without looking at the whole story!


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

If your wife is unable to truly forgive you and really commit to you again, then you’re just going to be punishing yourself by staying. You shouldn’t have had an affair, but if the betrayed spouse is willing to stay, they need to work on recommitting. I would imagine things will never be the same again but maybe starting with a fresh slate is what needs to happen.

If she wants to punish you for the rest of your days, belittling you in therapy etc…it might be time to let her know that you’re not happy and see what she says. It’s weird, I don’t fault your wife…getting past infidelity is hard, but it’s also difficult for the remorseful cheater too. 

Your life has value, even though you messed up. Considering to take your own life is really sad and I hope you can find better days ahead.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

The best men (and women) make their life choices and then live with them. Not as in 'the status quo',
But rather making the best of every situation. There is always a way to live to your utmost. 
So you screwed up. Ok. Your wife is not a good mate. Ok. You're miserable. Ok, I get it.
But I bet there are ways to live a good decent life and be happy even with your situation.
You gotta work on it. There is an old saying that happiness comes from within, not from without.

I know; easy for me to say. But you know what? I've been in as bad or worse a situation as you.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

The OP started this thread two days ago and hasn't been back. How sad can he be?


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

sadmonkey2001 said:


> I will forever be stuck in this revolving door where I'm placed below her family and what they think is best.


Yes, you will. I can tell you this, from the perspective of the betrayed spouse. After her affairs, I didn't give a carpenter's damn what she said, what she thought, how she acted, what she did. She was 100% completely free to make any or all choices, however, I was NOT DEVIATING ONE IOTA FROM MY COURSE and MY WISHES OF LIFE.
She proved, beyond doubt, that she did not have my best interests at heart, only her own. Not even those of her children.



sadmonkey2001 said:


> she will never leave her family and she has a right to be selfish.


And, that right has gotten her a broken marriage, in which her husband cheated on her. She doesn't give a carpenter's damn about you, only herself. You are in a marriage made in hell. Her "right to selfishness" was not given to her by God, nor by His Son, and was not stated in the bible. The author of "right to selfishness" is satan. Let it go.



sadmonkey2001 said:


> I longed for someone who felt like they needed me more than their own family and more than financial status.


Well, all I can say, after 3 marriages and 1 SO, that I have never actually found any woman who met these criteria. "family" and "financial status" will always be MORE IMPORTANT THAN YOU. They are taught in their family-of-origin that this is "ok", unless they are fortunate enough to grow up in a CHRISTIAN household (and I don't mean pew-warmers, easter-attenders, or "cultural" Christians, I mean BIBLICAL Christians). I cannot say these women are statistically insignificant, only that my limited experience has shown it.

Stay single. The only one to which you will be more important than family and financial status is your God. If your wife is not going to align her life and attitudes to please HIM, she damn sure ain't gonna do it to please you......


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## ah_sorandy (Jul 19, 2018)

projectconnx said:


> Ok so I've joined this forum just to reply to you buddy.
> 
> The worst thing you could have done is join a forum looking for advice and mention you had an affair. At that point no one will really offer any useful help, instead, it turns into multiple people putting you down making you feel even worse than you do, you having an affair doesn't give anyone the right to start telling you how you deserve nothing, people seem to forget that there's an actual person behind this post.
> 
> ...


I can relate to this 100%, as I had a very similar situation going on at one time!


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Blondilocks said:


> The OP started this thread two days ago and hasn't been back. How sad can he be?


It seems that most cheaters are unrepentant and blame their wives for their affairs. It’s always all her fault they cheated. They are the innocent victim and have done nothing wrong. So he’s not sad at all. Cheaters believe they deserve to humiliate and betray their wives, because reasons.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

It reads a little like you cheated, and you’re making demands of your wife to make YOU feel better. It should be the other way around.

And it’s concerning how little you’re getting from the counsellor too, given all you take from the Sessions is that you feel victimised. Remember, the counsellor has seen the same types over and over. If you see it as your flaws being picked out, well, it’s going to get boring for everyone else pretty quick.

So it’s not the cheating that you’re being vilified for, and she’s not abusing you or punishing you. She’s merely finally standing up for herself and found her self-respect. Now whether you choose to stay (but why didn’t you leave anyway ages ago?) is really up to you. Again.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Blondilocks said:


> The OP started this thread two days ago and hasn't been back. How sad can he be?


Not too sad eh? Probably pm’ing with the validator and feeling so much better 😇


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## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

Y'all should be ashamed of yourselves. The man was suicidal. How sad could he be? Really?


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

snowbum said:


> Why move away with some who cheated? Do you really not understand this?


Notice he’s trying to move her very far from her own support network. He’s also lost his job (work affair or something else?). Going to counselling but not accepting his issues and giving silent treatment for days. So for everyone here posting he should find another counsellor, I think he’s got a very good one who is impartially seeing the situation for what it is: cheater wanting to keep options open and keep his spouse close on a leash and alone. Let’s face it, she’s got good qualities that you rely on OP, but she’s onto you for a long time. If your job fell through and now you’re mad because she’s not helping your business grow (I sense she’s pretty responsible with money) that’s on you. Why can’t your AP help that business grow?? Ahhh. 

Some cheaters, some, like to keep their cash cow/safety net very isolated, and want 100% of their spouses all to themselves. It’s sort of handy to then say, I was sooo neglected. I didn’t have regular normal relationships with my own friends and family so I had to fall in love with a stranger. Because a stranger doesn’t know the real me. Because of course, in-laws, coworkers and the spouse won’t tolerate certain things.

Regarding the suicidal feelings, common. I can only assume OP was responsible enough to get help, and not make threats to his wife and kids when things started to collapse around him. OP probably went straight to a hospital or put his hand up for help, in a mature and responsible manner.


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## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

Luckylucky said:


> Notice he’s trying to move her very far from her own support network. He’s also lost his job (work affair or something else?). Going to counselling but not accepting his issues and giving silent treatment for days. So for everyone here posting he should find another counsellor, I think he’s got a very good one who is impartially seeing the situation for what it is:


A counsellor who brings out suicidal thoughts in a client is a sh^&ty counsellor and complicit in abuse.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

She is not going to change her ways. Her family was more important than you before the affair and all you did was justify her behavior toward you.

Some people never cut the cord when they leave home. 1st mistake was buying a house so close to family. That ensures they will always be in your business, wanted or not. But in her case they were priority.


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## projectconnx (7 mo ago)

Luckylucky said:


> Not too sad eh? Probably pm’ing with the validator and feeling so much better 😇


Unfortunately not, I'm not validating anything I'm just making it clear that he isn't alone and I can relate, everyone rushes to insult someone when they have never been in that situation and so you have no right to put that person down, you may not agree with it but he wasn't asking whether you agreed, he was asking for advice on his situation without judgment. People find it so hard to be decent people, especially when sitting behind a keyboard. 

Grow up is what I say.


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

Anyone else see the common denominator here? "If you are unhappy in your marriage, CHEAT!!".... I would be quite the hypocrite if I try to give the OP a 'pass' here because he is unhappy. 

Let me make this clear....marriage no longer means much. "Till death do us part" means nothing! What that means is when you are unhappy in your marriage, YOU LEAVE!!!! You don't go sample the grass in the other fields first. That makes you a POS. Now we can't have a convo about the wife here because she has every right to carry a grudge FOREVER. Contrary to apparently many, I find cheating to be the ultimate "see ya" card with sign that says exit only. 

But as for your wife, you will never remove her from her family. As someone that lived in a small town Catholic Cult, I can guarantee you the process for them is "indoctrinate and assimilate". They either marry within the cult, or assimilate others to come into the "family". For some people, they love it. Others like me appreciate some privacy. And the reality is the family will always be more important.....always!

You are unhappy, you also now have a scarred wife by your own doing. Cut the cord! Do NOT go shopping for a replacement, just get out!


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Ok, I take issue with the affair but as someone pointed out, no need to kick someone when they are down. 
However, nearly everything you wrote is about your wife did not do this, did not do that, blah blah blah. When are you going to man up and be responsible and accountable for yourself.
In addition, you have shown yourself to be untrustworthy and a blame shifter, your wife would be nuts to go across the country away from everything she knows with someone who is still blame shifting. 
Have you actually thought about what you wife went through, the gossip of your affair every time she stepped into a shop.
Your complaints
_1. my wife makes zero effort to help me grow. _ Isn't that YOUR own grown ass man responsibility?
2. _We still attend counseling because it makes her feel good to point out my flaws, _Wow, do you actually hear yourself? you wouldn't need counselling if you didn't have issues to be resolved. You have no commitment to making things better and are acting like a selfish spoilt teenager. Go figure it is all your wife's fault and responsibility.
3. _I have come to realize she has not benefitted me or helped me grow as a person as she is still extremely attached to her family that lives fences over from us. _Wow! All about you and what she can do for you. How have you helped her? Have you contributed to her growth? marriage is not all about what you can get, you sound so bloody entitled.
4._ A little over a year ago, I had serious thoughts of killing myself thinking that is the only way out and at least she and the kids would get some financial benefits out of it (don't worry, I looked into the conditions). _Seriously if things are this bad, then be a man and file for divorce. Put yourself and your long suffering wife out of misery. Both can move on separately.
5. _I've tried to convince her to move out of state away from her family so we could start fresh and somewhere new but she tells me she will never leave her family _Based on what you wrote, she really would be stupid to leave her family now, you cheated, you still blame her for not doing so many things to help you grow, etc. She lives with you and knows exactly what and who you are, she is making the right decision for her and the family.

You should divorce, if you cannot make headway. Perhaps you will find someone out there who will help you to grow so you wont have the responsibility of being responsible for yourself. Incidentally it takes years for someone to get over infidelity and you are only 2 years out and I would bet my last dollar you put no or little effort into making things right in a reconciliation. it is still all about you.


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