# How to not feel guilty about a needy ex with child?



## John Stevens (Feb 26, 2016)

My ex has majority custody and is less resonsible than me. She has asked many times for money in addition to payments and now asking to cosign a lease because she may lose her apt due to too many family stay there. I know I need to protect myself and my future its just hurting knowing my child is in the middle. My gf has been great support but not many really understand it as the father.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I wouldn't cosign for anything, in your shoes. Let her get a smaller, cheaper apartment where fewer family members can stay. Or, let them help pay the rent - I'm assuming they're adults. If you cosign, you can probably expect to end up paying the entire lease on your own - she has no incentive to be responsible.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

If she cannot provide adequate housing, she needs to reconsider the custody situation. 

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

What is the custody agreement and why did you divorce. If you left her, you owe, if she left you call child services on her and go back to court.


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## John Stevens (Feb 26, 2016)

We have been divorced for 6 years. I make payments and have visitation.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

I think I can understand but can't relate because of my circumstances. Many things changed for my daughters after divorce. They have had to endure and put up with a lot and none of that is their fault. It would be easy to feel guilt over that but I do remember that this wasn't my choice it was thier mothers. So I feel bad For them I just have no guilt over it cause I didn't cause it. Maybe you can focus your attention that way?


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

John Stevens said:


> My ex has majority custody and is less resonsible than me.


Why does your ex have majority custody? That's unusual these days. Unless there is something majorly wrong with a parent, the arrangement is usually shared.

Anyway, to answer your specific question: you focus on your CHILD'S needs, not your ex. Imagine your child at 25, having to answer for your choices.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

If she cant afford a place to live, she has no business having custody. See what you can do about getting custody yourself. And for god's sake dont sign a lease for her!!


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Hold on everyone. Being homeless doesn't even affect a parent's right to their child. If that were the case, imagine the scenarios where people could work to impose homelessness or housing situations on their ex's in order to obtain full rights to their children.

The ability to provide emotionally as a parent has little to do with the ability to earn income or to pay bills. 
There is physical stability and there is emotional stability.

Let us recall that we come as the product of a long line of immigrants and others who were constantly on the move.
Many ancestral mothers were left out in the cold with their children when men were lost to wars, famines, etc.

Don't contribute to put women in the position of basically having to prostitute themselves to keep their children, by bringing children into some other guy's home just to avoid losing them. That's ridiculous.

OP, if your ex is having trouble paying bills and keeping housing, do not give her money above what you were asked to provide by law, and do not sign anything. You could get dragged down and then lose your ability to pay what you are obligated to, and you can be sure that you will be made to suffer greatly for it. No court will look at the history of all the money you willingly gave, instead they will brutally look at what you currently owe and due to legal entanglements and obligations you shouldn't have assumed, cannot pay. That is reality. 

Instead, refer her to a social services agency that can help her manage her budget, apply for benefits for herself, possibly improve her own income earning potential. Think of it this way, you are investing your TIME and ENERGY into giving your child a competent mother. And if the mother later on has any other children, you are also giving the mother the ability to care for your child's half-siblings competently. By giving too much of your own money, you might end up supporting free loaders who just want to use your child as a cash cow. This is the worst thing to do for any child in a household, put a price on his head that generates food and bills and other economic goodies for the people living with him. They will grow to depend on his presence, and instead of taking good care of him, the human response to dependence is to loathe the thing you are dependent upon, be it a child, or a job you don't particularly like but have to do, etc. 

You can also offer to send the child to a camp or weekend activity that costs money and he enjoys, and pick him up and take him to and fro, and maybe the mother can use that time to get a part time job to make more money. The benefit goes directly to the child, and the mother is left with time on her hands. You can also pay for the clothes or dental care or something like that. But never just give cash to be spent indiscriminately. If you must, give a grocery card but just a bit at a time, or a phone card. 

So the worst case is she ends up losing the apartment. You can offer to take your child in temporarily until she gets a decent place to live. Maybe it will take a while, maybe it won't. A normal person with a child in that situation would certainly take you up on the offer. If she doesn't don't think that it will damage your child. A child can learn just as many important things from a slightly incompetent parent as they can from a perfect one, maybe even more. As long as the child is safe, you shouldn't worry too much.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Don't enable your ex to continue her irresponsible ways. Do not cosign. Let her figure it out and offer to take the child for her. Insist if she ends up homeless. 

And as HNU said, if the child isn't in any sort of danger, a lesson of what NOT to do is as great of a teacher as an example of what TO DO is. My daughter has learned from friends who made repeated mistakes with drugs, jobs, friends... and we have had great conversations about those decisions and repercussions. 

An important lesson I took from my counselor is to not try to control what I cannot. You cannot control how she spends her money, how much debt she has gotten herself into or anything else. You can't control what she feeds your child, what she dresses her in or what activities they do. You can only focus on what happens when in your care and if you find out something is dangerous. Other than that, you have to let it go. There are more ways to live than your way. If ex isn't happy with the way hers is turning out, it's up to her to change that.


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