# Having major trouble



## swerve09 (Jun 18, 2012)

My wife of 19 years was caught in an affair with another man,younger co worker. Been going on about 6 months. We have 2 children 16 and 17 and a 2 yr old adopted daughter. His wife caught them and told me which i had suspected and questioned her only to get lies in return. She came clean and answered all questions i asked and believe me i asked many. Now she wants to work through this but i have no idea how. Its been 3 hellish weeks with emotions like a roller coaster. As much as i wish i didn't i still love her,BUT,i hate what she did and am in limbo about what to do. I'm 46 and as sad as i can be,any help will be appreciated,thanks


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

for starters-

read the newbie link in my signature

get to a doctor for std testing and to look into temporarily getting meds for the depression/anxiety

time is your friend here, you don't have to make a R or D commitment until you are ready to make that decision

in the meantime I suggest the following needs to happen for you to even consider R


1) No contact with OM whatsoever, have your wife hand write a no contact letter (see template in newbie link) and deliver it registered mail. If OM ever contacts her she must ignore it and tell you of it right away

2) complete transparency- your wife needs to give up all passwords, emails, facebook info etc and also inform you of her weherabouts at all times. I highly recommend that you verify her actions on your own by installing a keylogger, gps, var's and such to confirm. (do not tell her you are doing this)

3) She must demonstrate true remorse and take 100% of the blame for the affair. No more gaslighting, blameshifting or trickle truth. She does what you need to heal from the affair, it can take 2-5 years to heal and regain most of the trust.

4) spend 10-15 hours a week of one on one time together to rebond


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

You should read the newbies link under AlmostRecovered's signature.
Sorry you are here.

Stay here. You will get plenty of views, ideas here.

Was the affair physical as well? Is she remorseful?


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## swerve09 (Jun 18, 2012)

Yes physical,they were in love till he got caught. She seems remorseful but who knows. I'm just hurt beyond comprehension,i am typing through tears. Thank you though i need all the help i can get. My kids are also hurt and want me to leave and take them with me but i'm still here.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

swerve09 said:


> My wife of 19 years was caught in an affair with another man,younger co worker. Been going on about 6 months. We have 2 children 16 and 17 and a 2 yr old adopted daughter. His wife caught them and told me which i had suspected and questioned her only to get lies in return. She came clean and answered all questions i asked and believe me i asked many. Now she wants to work through this but i have no idea how. Its been 3 hellish weeks with emotions like a roller coaster. As much as i wish i didn't i still love her,BUT,i hate what she did and am in limbo about what to do. I'm 46 and as sad as i can be,any help will be appreciated,thanks


Two things I would do:

1. get the book Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. It will explain a lot of the feelings you are experiencing. You feel blindsided, swiped by a Mac truck, run over by steamroller. You probably have the sensation of hypervigilance, a feeling you get when someone slams a door by you, except that it never seems to go away. Your body lies in wait for the other shoe to drop, for some other explosive revelation that you subconsciously fear is coming. You are far from alone in going through those sensations.

2. AFTER verifying transparency and no contact (see AlmostRecovered's posts above):

find a high-quality marriage counselor. That does NOT mean the most expensive, BTW (our excellent current counselor charges less than half of the lousy expensive one we had before). You are looking for someone who is pro-marriage. You are also looking for someone who is extremely knowledgeable about infidelity. 

One litmus test you can use in finding a counselor is to ask if they are familiar with the book I mentioned above, Not Just Friends, because it was written by a nationally recognized researcher on infidelity. Her work was ground-breaking and her book definitive (although sadly, she passed away in 2003, so her work does not acknowledge the vast changes in technology that are impacting how affairs are started, conducted, and discovered).

Another way to find a counselor is the method I used--I tracked own a respected local sex addiction / porn addiction counseling group. My husband is neither, but I reasoned that they would be very experienced in dealing with compulsive behaviors (most affairs qualify) and also, for obvious reasons, with infidelity. My hunch was correct, and they gave me several good referrals.

Because I had read Not Just Friends FIRST I had a big leg up in being able to evaluate good counselors.

The reason that an MC with infidelity education is so important is that many counselors (bizarrely) want to sweep the affair under the rug. They think the way to work through it is to set the affair aside and say, "how was the marriage leading up to the affair" and "what things would you change now that the affair is over." But an affair, as you know, is a HUGE betrayal and one must sort through WHY the cheating spouse sought this particularly immature and hurtful way to deal with either problems in the marriage OR (and this is important) problems INSIDE OF THEM that you are powerless to change or control.

-------------------------


But, you CANNOT fix a marriage with 3 people in it.

Never underestimate the power of the fantasy--cheaters have learned to lie very skillfully and they go to crazy lengths to protect the bubble of fun that they've been in.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

btw- has she quit her job?


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Even if you get passwords and so forth. Add a key logger to your computer and laptop. A VAR for the car. The only reason your wife wants to work it out is she was caught.

So try to trust but verify. Make sure you expose the affiar to family and friends. They will help make her accountable.

The affiar was with a co worker, can she quit or change locations. This is not going to work if she sees him everyday

As in the first post here get tested for STDs right awy.

You and your wife need some help get to a MC and a IC as soon as you both can. Stay strong for your kids and take care of your self. 

There are some good people on this board they will help


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## swerve09 (Jun 18, 2012)

No she has been there 13 years and makes very good money,she has moved a little further from him and like a kid let me drive her to work,which in some crazy way hurts me to.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

swerve09 said:


> Yes physical,they were in love till he got caught. She seems remorseful but who knows. I'm just hurt beyond comprehension,i am typing through tears. Thank you though i need all the help i can get. My kids are also hurt and want me to leave and take them with me but i'm still here.


Swerve, 

Most of us have gone through - the hell - you are now undergoing. It is just pure hell.

My tears rolled out as I read.

First stay strong. Stay strong. And Stay strong.

There are a lot of betrayed spouses here in TAM and they will of be good guidance to you.

See your doctor. Take care of yourself and kids. 

Take care.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Most of us have been there. Not a pretty place. You need to talk. Have you confided to a friend or family member? Get to an IC. I went from crying to anger and back agian.


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## kenmoore14217 (Apr 8, 2010)

19 years of marriage and she was caught by the OMW, not good. It's not like she came to you, confessed and begged for forgiveness. It's a lot different when the WW gets caught rather than fesses up. I'm not a big proponent of R w/ WW so I probably won't be able to help you if that's what you want to do. Your decision and there are plenty of people here who will support R so hang on, they'll be around soon enough. Good luck


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## swerve09 (Jun 18, 2012)

Thank you all,i am lost. Got an appt. the 26th with counselor,she has deleted her email accounts and called his wife. I went to my doctor friday and awaiting results which pisses me off.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

swerve09 said:


> No she has been there 13 years and makes very good money,she has moved a little further from him and like a kid let me drive her to work,which in some crazy way hurts me to.


either her or the OM need to leave the job

you have no way of verifying NC and it will drive you absolutely insane, R will not work unless NC can be confirmed


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

swerve09 said:


> No she has been there 13 years and makes very good money,she has moved a little further from him and like a kid let me drive her to work,which in some crazy way hurts me to.


It is not going to work if they are co workers. Is the money she makes more important then your marriage?

I know your answer but you have to ask her. She is still in the fog you will read about. Lots of lies and trickle truths until this clears.


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## swerve09 (Jun 18, 2012)

Hurt,disbelief,love,anger,a ride i didn't say i do for, i am so glad i found this site. Friends say leave the b family more supportive of my decision.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

swerve09 said:


> Thank you all,i am lost. Got an appt. the 26th with counselor,she has deleted her email accounts and called his wife. I went to my doctor friday and awaiting results which pisses me off.


yep it does. I went to a clinic not wanting to see the family Dr. I sat there and though how low my life has sunk, just like you. Three kids you have to be there for them so take care of yourself. 

You are taking some good first steps.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Swerve, postpone all your decisions for some time.
Right now, you are hurt and in great agony and you cant think straight. 
Get to your doctor.
Need to do 180, focus on yourself.


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## swerve09 (Jun 18, 2012)

its an auto assembly line,i take her and pick her up. I know for sure he has blocked her phone calls,emails,etc. He was promising her the good life leaving out the fact he has been married 8 yrs,he said he was divorced 3 yrs ago. His wife called me and said they were working through it and my wife said if not caught it would still be going on


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## swerve09 (Jun 18, 2012)

You have no idea how much i thank you,from the bottom of my broken heart.


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## swerve09 (Jun 18, 2012)

Angry how long is sometime,lol,3 weeks seems like forever


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

swerve09 said:


> Hurt,disbelief,love,anger,a ride i didn't say i do for, i am so glad i found this site. Friends say leave the b family more supportive of my decision.


You are a Father and based on your responses I bet a pretty good one. So this will color your thoughts as it had done with mine Take it slow even if you R with WW it will take a long time to get over it.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Swerve,
Take all these facts:
She did not love you. She had affair with OM.
She lied to you and cheated.
She violated marital vows.
She is selfish and went ahead and had sex with OM.
OM is a lier and got caught.
She did not come out and confessed.

Go and consult a doc.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

has she done any of the 4 conditions I outlined in my 1st post to you (obvious NC is still up in the air with the job)

you may consider informing the HR department of OM, obviously there are pros and cons to this


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## swerve09 (Jun 18, 2012)

By far the toughest thing i've ever been through,my kids are everything to me,i will never hurt them and if a person knew how this feels they would never,EVER,cheat


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

swerve09 said:


> Angry how long is sometime,lol,3 weeks seems like forever


Dont even think about how long - for now. 
First recover yourself from her affair.
Recover kids.
Stay strong for yourself and kids.


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## swerve09 (Jun 18, 2012)

thought about it,still thinking about it. They work on seperate lines and a 20 minute time differential in start end time.


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## swerve09 (Jun 18, 2012)

3 of the 4


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

swerve09 said:


> thought about it,still thinking about it. They work on seperate lines and a 20 minute time differential in start end time.


So they can't take breaks together? There isn't a possibility their shifts could change again and you be none the wiser? You can already see how logistically this is a nightmare. They could even slip notes into each others' lockers or some such nonesense. Affairs are fantasies, untouched by hard reality, they don't follow logic and no contact is essential to crack them wide open.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

You are right. So the important thing is staying strong for the kids, Your wife is most likley still in the fog. She did everything for selfish reasons. It was about her. She payed little thought to what it would do to you and the kids.

My wife after months of MC has realized how much she hurt her family and it tears into her daily but it took months and months to get there.

You will have a lot of anger and things will trigger you. That is why IC is going to be important.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

swerve09 said:


> thought about it,still thinking about it. They work on seperate lines and a 20 minute time differential in start end time.


let's go over the reasons why it is a must that she or OM quit-


1) no way of verifying NC, I honesty don't know how assembly lines work, but I assume they have breaks and lunch and can talk or sneak off somewhere during that time.

2) OM is front of her every work day and will keep him in her mind. The WS needs to cease all contact with OM immediately, even if you believe that she won't talk to him, she will see him everyday and keep those lovey dovey thoughts of him in her mind as a result. She won't emerge from the fog nor do what you need to help you heal.

3) fishing becomes very easy- fishing is when the AP will contact the ex-AP with some sort of "innocuous" reason. It can be as simple as saying "Hi". This is a way to start up the affair again once that innocent chat gets ramped up to lala fantasyland again in a heartbeat.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

swerve09 said:


> No she has been there 13 years and makes very good money,she has moved a little further from him and like a kid let me drive her to work,which in some crazy way hurts me to.


Tough cookies. One of them needs to go. Your marriage is worth more than her salary. Tell your wife to either give the company notice and quit the job or you will go see a lawyer. 

You might even threaten going to HR and reporting them. See how that shakes her up. 

Get this through your head: as long as she and this piece of sh*t have any connection or communication at all, the affair will continue. Like someone previously stated, your wife did not give up this affair on her own, and she would not have if the OM's wife had not discovered the affair and outed them. She is emotionally invested in this clown, and is susceptible to easily falling back into the affair. 

They will just figure out a way to hide it better. 

In fact, you should go see a lawyer anyway. Find out what your rights as a father are and what you will expect should this reconcilliation go south and D is imminent.


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## swerve09 (Jun 18, 2012)

there is possibilities,they had a confrontation at work and were reprimanded,i think,key word think,he broke her heart and he was after sex,he lives a good ways from us and his job and he makes mega money and has 4 kids


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

AngryandUsed said:


> Swerve, postpone all your decisions for some time.
> Right now, you are hurt and in great agony and you cant think straight.
> Get to your doctor.
> Need to do 180, focus on yourself.


The wife appears to want to try to reconcile, so I don't think he should do the 180 yet. If she balks at quitting her job or doing anything to impede reconcilliation, then he can launch the 180. Too early yet.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

swerve09 said:


> No she has been there 13 years and makes very good money,she has moved a little further from him and like a kid let me drive her to work,which in some crazy way hurts me to.


Of course that hurts you. And it is wrong and cruel of her to do this to you.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

after hearing the situation I think you take your chances and go to HR,

three possible scenarios-

1) Company mainly gets afraid of sexual harassment lawsuit and fires OM only
2) Company analyzes who is best at their job/cheaper to pay/seniority and fires one based on that info
3) Company fires both
4) Company transfers one or both
5) company reprimands both or one, info gets placed on their records and any infractions from this point leads to termination

bottom line is that she should leave her job no matter what, and in most scenarios either her or the OM or both will lose their jobs, at least you have a shot of OM losing his job and not your wife


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

I'm sorry man. The pain is blatant in your posts.

Find out what your boundaires and dealbreakers are along with the proper consequences. Talk to a lawyer, at least to find out where you stand legaly and financialy in case things go south.
She screwed up. Royaly. She's the one to step up and fix it. She read books, she set up MC. She's the one to show - though actions - her willingness to make you believe to stay in the marriage is worth the pain. She take on herself earning yout trust with no timeline.
Demand a formal NC letter (there're templates out there). Discuss the potential scenarios at work in case the run into each other or are forced to talk.
STD test. Yesterday. NO unprotected sex untill then.
Total transparence in comunication devices and acountability of whereabouts. Giving her rides to work mean ****.
Full discosure, you chose the level of detail. At the very least I suggest you for now a written timeline.
Total responsability of her choices. Predator OM didn't seduce her, a bad marraige didn't force her, you didn't drive her to OM, the blue moon is not to blame. She chose to betray you, she croses willingly every boundarie. She chose it, step by step, to deceive, lie everyday and backstab you with the ultimate betrayal for six solid months.
IC for her to find out how the hell she thought it was OK to trash herself and drag the entire family with her.
She start job hunting yesterday. Seeing OM at work every day menas high risk of relapse - false recovery but a pure torture for you.

Take care of you, man. Don't forget to drink and eat properly. Be the best father you can be at this moment.


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## swerve09 (Jun 18, 2012)

Bandit she will not quit her job,she don't know if i'm leaving or staying and she must survive. She has put in to move to 3 different,harder less paying jobs,as for hr,what would i say?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

swerve09 said:


> there is possibilities,they had a confrontation at work and were reprimanded,i think,key word think,he broke her heart and he was after sex,he lives a good ways from us and his job and he makes mega money and has 4 kids


Doesn't mean this knowledge will turn her feelings away from him. She is definitely still lusting after him... understand this: the guy is a drug to her... a fantasy... a fix. Humans don't give these addictions up easily. You will see her go through withdrawls just like a junkie or meth head does. 

And you have to treat her just like a drug addict. You have to set clearly defined rules and boundaries for the reconcilliation, along with clearly defined sanctions should she stray from those rules or step over the boundaries. The most obvious sanction is she will have to pack her clothes and leave.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Acabado said:


> I'm sorry man. The pain is blatant in your posts.
> 
> Find out what your boundaires and dealbreakers are along with the proper consequences. Talk to a lawyer, at least to find out where you stand legaly and financialy in case things go south.
> She screwed up. Royaly. She's the one to step up and fix it. She read books, she set up MC. She's the one to show - though actions - her willingness to make you believe to stay in the marriage is worth the pain. She take on herself earning yout trust with no timeline.
> ...


Ha ha. Its funny how you and I were typing almost identical replies at the same time!


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

you tell HR that you have information that OM and your wife used company time and resources to conduct an extramarital affair


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## swerve09 (Jun 18, 2012)

Almost i'm doing it now


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

swerve09 said:


> Bandit she will not quit her job,she don't know if i'm leaving or staying and she must survive. She has put in to move to 3 different,harder less paying jobs,as for hr,what would i say?


Um....get this thgrough your head: YOU DON'T LEAVE! She leaves. She's the one who strayed......period.

If you leave, your apologetic wife will apologetically go to a lawyer and apologetically claim you abandoned her and the kids. Then you will be apologetically screwed.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

get ready for your wife to go balistic though

most WS's go ape when they get exposed as they are desperate to protect their affair partners and their affair

if she understands then at least you know you have a decent shot of Ring


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

By the way, she's a well acomplished lier. If she says 6 months, better think 1 year and she only is talkin about the PA portion. She won't admit more than you can prove with hard evidence.
No matter how sordid it's she was in a relationship in which she was deeply attached. You will know she's actually NC when you see the obvious symptoms of withdrawal.

Keep posting, man. There's tons of info and good advice from those who wore those shoes before.


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## swerve09 (Jun 18, 2012)

if i go my kids go also,they want to


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## swerve09 (Jun 18, 2012)

Well accomplished liar,she said 3 months i estimated 6,lol,i just contacted hr so tonight is gonna be fun


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

that was quick, what was said?


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

If you decide for R there's also good info wich your wife might read in order to build the trust, to help you overcome this nightmare nad personally recover from this. Ask us then.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Acabado said:


> By the way, she's a well acomplished lier. If she says 6 months, better think 1 year and she only is talkin about the PA portion. She won't admit more than you can prove with hard evidence.
> No matter how sordid it's she was in a relationship in which she was deeply attached. You will know she's actually NC when you see the obvious symptoms of withdrawal.
> 
> Keep posting, man. There's tons of info and good advice from those who wore those shoes before.


I agree. They didn't just fall in bed together (sorry swerve09). There is a long backstory to this. The OM was probably grooming her for an affair long before the PA happened. If it was an EA that turned into a PA, then we all know its going to be that much harder for her to get over him. 

Best bet is to expose them and see what the company does. If they are both valuable, experienced auto workers, then there is a good chance they might just be separated. 

Say swerve09, what does is the UAW's stance on this kind of hanky-panky between union members? Could they step in and put pressure on the OM to back off and stay away from her?


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## swerve09 (Jun 18, 2012)

They took names,dept,how i found out. I told them she confessed and said it started by him stopping at her dept for 5 minute,turned to 10,turned to 20 etc on the clock,breaks together,lunch together,even used company email. Also asked if Honda condoned this kind of activity. Told them she asked to be moved to no avail.


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> let's go over the reasons why it is a must that she or OM quit-
> 
> 
> 1) no way of verifying NC, I honesty don't know how assembly lines work, but I assume they have breaks and lunch and can talk or sneak off somewhere during that time.
> ...


Follow what A/R is saying it will slowly eat you if they still work together...my wife still works with her mini-e/a POSOM...thought I could deal with it..turns out NOT!..its been since sept-11...this morning I asked her if she thinks its ok to still remain in contact with OM, the man she betrayed me for (lied about thier supposed close friendship) (they have to work closely on projects together) she just kinda stared at me and then I said tonight after work we should talk about seperating..she just said "Ok" didnt try follow me to talk..nothing...
To much other stuff to type....

So who the effe knows, maybe I will be posting in the going thur divorce section soon...FML


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## swerve09 (Jun 18, 2012)

Honda man no union,HR contacted as we typed,lol,she said he had been sweet talking her for months before anything happened


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## swerve09 (Jun 18, 2012)

sorry bro,its a B for sure and i needed this sooo bad


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

swerve09 said:


> if i go my kids go also,they want to


But its your house! Its your home too! Your kids have established school and personal lives. Why would you want to uproot them and mess with their lives when your wife can go find somewhere else to stay?

What you are thinking makes no sense! :scratchhead:

Let her go stay at a damn homeless shelter if she has to! She needs to start experiencing harsh sanctions for what she has done!


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## swerve09 (Jun 18, 2012)

I agree bandit but we have only been here a short time,we moved here to split drivers distance so she didn't have to drive so far to work. My kids want to go back to where they have been for many years


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

swerve09 said:


> I agree bandit but we have only been here a short time,we moved here to split drivers distance so she didn't have to drive so far to work. My kids want to go back to where they have been for many years


Gotcha. 

And I would imagine she was the one who came up with the idea of moving there huh? 

How convenient.


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## swerve09 (Jun 18, 2012)

yes siree


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

If you can stomach it migh be wise to stay in contact with OM'sBW to compare notes (Never share to survigilance methods, not even to her) and to be sure thye are still NC. Your gut will be calling you every two days with the current work situation. Hopely it's not the first affair this POSOM had. She needs to know she was just another notch in his belt. She needs to sober up ASAP. You need make reality harsh in order the fog your wife is to vanish. Exposure helps. Your children disapointment helps. HR watching them like haws help. Your detachment will help.

If she keps mopin around nad doesn't give whant you need you implement this: *The 180 degree rules*


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

The nasty in me says Swerve and the OM's wife should hook up for some revenge sex themselves.

That'd fix 'em! :FIREdevil:

Naaah! Better not stoop to their level.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Swerve is your wife the major breadwinner? Who spends the most time taking care of the kids?


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## swerve09 (Jun 18, 2012)

Bandit i like you,lol,thought there but doesn't solve anything,i still thought it,lol


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## swerve09 (Jun 18, 2012)

Me of course,i work 8,5 daw,she works 50-60 a week at 28 an hr


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## swerve09 (Jun 18, 2012)

I have my kids all day and work 10-630 at night,i sleep maybe 3 hrs a day max


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## swerve09 (Jun 18, 2012)

I have made mistakes,took her for granted and pushed her away at times,But,i raised my kids,put her through school,been supportive and never cheated....who has the time,oh,i know that answer,lol


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

swerve09 said:


> I have my kids all day and work 10-630 at night,i sleep maybe 3 hrs a day max


Reason I ask is that you would be likely named as the primary caregiver. This puts you in a good position should the two of you go forward with divorce. She may have to end up paying you child support if your lawyer proves you are primary caregiver.

I'm not sure but I think so. This is why you need to go talk to a lawyer... just pay for a consult for now. You don't have to file yet, but knowing your legal rights will be one less thing you have to worry about.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Are you a stay at home dad?


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## swerve09 (Jun 18, 2012)

Your so right,i am a built-in-babysitter and to think thats what i was doing while this went on chaps my butt


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## swerve09 (Jun 18, 2012)

i work from home,have for 7 years


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

swerve09 said:


> I have made mistakes,took her for granted and pushed her away at times,But,i raised my kids,put her through school,been supportive and never cheated....who has the time,oh,i know that answer,lol


All husbands make mistakes....all of us. What you did or did not do had NOTHING to do with her affair. The state of your marriage before the affair was 50% her fault and 50% yours.

Your wife cheated because she has sh*t for personal boundaries. She allowed this guy to seduce her.... plain and simple.

Her affair had NOTHING to do with you. And do not let her tell you otherwise. Her affair is 100% on her. 

Make her own her sh*t, and if she won't, take the kids and leave.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

> You don't have to file yet, but knowing your legal rights will be one less thing you have to worry about.


 Even if you file it's doesn't mean it has to go through. Sometimes it's the only key for the fog to clear.


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## swerve09 (Jun 18, 2012)

Thanks bandit you and others been a lotta help,she said if i had not pushed her away and treated her with more love it would have never happened,B.S.


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## swerve09 (Jun 18, 2012)

iTS A RIDE I WOULD HOPE NO ONE EVER GOES THROUGH BUT THE SAD TRUTH IS MORALS ARE NOT AS THEY ONCE WERE AND CHEATERS ARE PLENTIFUL


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

You tell your self I if did X, B , Z she'd never cheated. It's a futile excercise of control after the fact. You are not to blame. It's called personal reponsability. I'm sure you weren't overly happy and fullfilled either.
The very milisecond she start shofting the blame onto you, the marriage or whatever to remove yourself from the place. Period. She owns this **** 100 %.


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## swerve09 (Jun 18, 2012)

i feel owned,used,hurt,pissed,sorry,name it. What a dang month


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

swerve09 said:


> Thanks bandit you and others been a lotta help,she said if i had not pushed her away and treated her with more love it would have never happened,B.S.


Horsesh*t. This is right out of the cheater's script. All ****ty wives say this. Ask her why she never came to you and told you how she was feeling?

Tell her if she says this again you and the kids are gone. 

See what cheaters do Swerve is they re-write the marital history. By brainwashing herself into making you out to be the bad, tyrannical, unloving husband, she can then do the unspeakable act she would have never normally done with less impact to her conscience. Its a coping mechanism all cheaters use in order to live with themselves. This is what she is doing. 

When you meet with your marriage counselor, you need to tell him/her this is what your wife is doing.


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## swerve09 (Jun 18, 2012)

Gonna get off here awhile,take my little 1 to the park to feed ducks,thanks to all and i shall return


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

You need to verify that she no longer contacts the OM. Just because exposure occurred doesn't mean they've stopped talking. If there's anyway you could install a VAR or a keylogger, you should get on that quickly.


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## swerve09 (Jun 18, 2012)

i will man and thanks,i am willing to be 100% honest,got alotta love invested in this,just wish it would have never happened


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

swerve09 said:


> iTS A RIDE I WOULD HOPE NO ONE EVER GOES THROUGH BUT THE SAD TRUTH IS MORALS ARE NOT AS THEY ONCE WERE AND CHEATERS ARE PLENTIFUL


Actually it has little to do with morals and everything to do with personal boundaires. Your wife knew from the beginning that flirting with this guy was wrong, but she lowered her personal boundaries anyways and allowed him to get closer. Each time he got closer her boundaries lowered a little more, and a little more, and a little more. It' s a gradual thing.


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## swerve09 (Jun 18, 2012)

She told me anything i asked after getting caught,in detail as i asked,it took about 6 months of courting before they got together


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## swerve09 (Jun 18, 2012)

She told me time,place,date,text,pretty nuch anything i asked and by what she told me she wasnt lying


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## swerve09 (Jun 18, 2012)

Good folks and great advice,i'm thankful beyond words


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

You wife wanted to reconcile only after she had no other way and the OM dumped her, right? Very bad news. How did she react after the OM's wife exposed her? Her reaction might help us gauge her willingness and commitment to reconcile.

One more thing, most affairs go underground after they are caught first. You will have to keep track of her and all her communications for quite sometime to come. Even then she might find a way to resume an affair.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

you might want to catch up before posting warlock


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

What are you talking about AR :FIREdevil:


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

nice deletion


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## swerve09 (Jun 18, 2012)

She called his wife and apologized,said she had no idea he was married and that she would answer any questions she had,needless to say in certain situations im sorry is cheap


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

most apologies are to benefit the one apologizing


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

swerve09 said:


> She called his wife and apologized,said she had no idea he was married and that she would answer any questions she had,needless to say in certain situations im sorry is cheap


:rofl:

She's a great actress brother! She actually wants that poor woman to believe she was having an EA and PA with this bum and didn't know he was married?! 

Oh man your wife is something else! 

Ask her not to lie to you the way she lied to the OM's wife. Better yet, you should call the OMW and tell her you know your wife is lying. I'm sure she already has that figured out!


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

It's a weird claim

"It's okay to betray your own husband but not with a married man"


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

I hope you thanked the OMW for exposing the affair to you, because you would otherwise be in the dark about the affair right now.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

What consequences has she faced?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

swerve09 said:


> Thanks bandit you and others been a lotta help,she said if i had not pushed her away and treated her with more love it would have never happened,B.S.


Ask if her cheating gives you a right to do more damaging stuff to marriage and blame it on her.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> Ask if her cheating gives you a right to do more damaging stuff to marriage and blame it on her.


You need to firmly (not angrily) but firmly set her straight just as warlock has said. "Nothing I EVER did was as wrong as what you've done. And if you truly think that way, our marriage is over." I've had to say this a couple of times. Sadly it's nothing but the truth.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

swerve09 said:


> She told me anything i asked after getting caught,in detail as i asked,it took about 6 months of courting before they got together


And next time she says her affair was your fault, tell her that she had six months to end it and didn't.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

swerve09 said:


> Thanks bandit you and others been a lotta help,she said if i had not pushed her away and treated her with more love it would have never happened,B.S.


She is right. You pushed her away. You did not give her enough love. I am crying my eyes out. She has such a sucky life. I feel soooooooo sorry for her. She was denied love. She was pushed with legs wide open into the OM's penis. You did it. It is all your fault. Accept it. Because that is her view. And of course she is correct. All cheaters are, CORRECT.


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## kenmoore14217 (Apr 8, 2010)

My husband told me to leave on the day after Christmas last year. I saw him today for the first time since that awful day.
I was happy because he looked so healthy and calm. But I was hurt by that as well.
I pulled this off of another site but it is a sentiment that has to hit home w/ any ww.


I tried to tell him about me, that I knew that I needed to change, that I did not know if I could ever really be deserving of him but I was trying so hard and would try harder. I lost control and started babbling, I think.* He cut me off. "You'll be fine," he said. "There are other people like you and other people like me. And as long as you stick to your own kind and leave people like me to mine, you won't do anyone any harm." His eyes were as kind as I always remembered them; he was looking at me with compassion. It was as if he were able to look deep into me and had determined that there was nothing to find.*

I always knew that my hopes for reconciliation were improbable, but it just seems so much worse than I had ever imagined. It may be self-pity but it hurts so badly to finally have to face what we have come to.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

> said she had no idea he was married


Well... 6 months of courtship plus 6 months ..like rabbits and now idea about his life? Put in her shoes. Would you be able to stay one YEAR!! having a deep intimate relationship with a coworker and not knowing whether she was married?
A big pile of horsesh!t. Tell her stop lying and pretending.
She wanted to disclose details to OM'sBW out of spite, to hurt MOM who probably threw her under the bus the minute they were busted (I have no doubt he accused her of being the persuer). It's all about saving their asses, pure damage control.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

bandit.45 said:


> Hey its Mrs. Lascarx! I thought you were hanging out over at SI.


He quoted the post


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> He quoted the post


Oh. He went over to SI and quoted a post from someone he doesn't even know? He didn't know the poster was married to one of our beloved TAM members? 

Kenmoore you're a 'tard.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Acabado said:


> Well... 6 months of courtship plus 6 months ..like rabbits and now idea about his life? Put in her shoes. Would you be able to stay one YEAR!! having a deep intimate relationship with a coworker and not knowing whether she was married?
> A big pile of horsesh!t. Tell her stop lying and pretending.
> She wanted to disclose details to OM'sBW out of spite, to hurt MOM who probably threw her under the bus the minute they were busted (I have no doubt he accused her of being the persuer). It's all about saving their asses, pure damage control.


It is possible. And since it is an affair, the involvement in personal is limited


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Pisses me off I have to go back and delete a post because some lame-brain forgets to preface his quotes. 

Yeah I'm talking about you Kenmoore!


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

kenmoore14217 said:


> My husband told me to leave on the day after Christmas last year. I saw him today for the first time since that awful day.
> I was happy because he looked so healthy and calm. But I was hurt by that as well.
> I pulled this off of another site but it is a sentiment that has to hit home w/ any ww.
> 
> ...


This woman had multiple A's, and you are quoting her, for what?

SurvivingInfidelity.com - Support for those affected by Infidelity

Bandit was kind in calling you a tard. If there was a time machine I would send you to the year 1968 in Vietnam.


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## kenmoore14217 (Apr 8, 2010)

because what the husband said was SO effective. That got lost in my first post. sorry


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## kenmoore14217 (Apr 8, 2010)

she, the ww will remember that her whole life!! how damning is that??


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

kenmoore14217 said:


> she, the ww will remember that her whole life!! how damning is that??


I thought you were her!!!! Its okay to quote it, but preface it next time!


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## kenmoore14217 (Apr 8, 2010)

yeah, i know, i screwed up....oh well


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

kenmoore14217 said:


> yeah, i know, i screwed up....oh well


Peace....


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## BigLiam (May 2, 2012)

kenmoore14217 said:


> because what the husband said was SO effective. That got lost in my first post. sorry


Just an excellent response by the BH. Treated her like the reptilian a-hole she is.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

swerve09 said:


> She called his wife and apologized,said *she had no idea he was married*


So, she mainly just does single guys and leaves the marrieds alone?


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Ballsy move to call HR like that. Best move you could have made in your circumstances. It puts extra sets of eyes on them at work, making it that much more difficult to maintain contact and raises the stakes in risking getting caught. Most likely they get reprimanded and get separated by distance or separate shifts, depending on how they react, maybe one or both gets fired.

Next, have your wife handwrite a no contact letter to the other man stating how horribly ashamed she is of her behavior and how terrible she feels for risking her family, marriage, and husband, which mean more to her than anything in the world, and that if other man ever tries to contact her again, she will file harassment charges against him. This will help you gauge how much she wants to help you heal and how she feels about the other man. Making her handwrite it helps her to realize the severity of her betrayal and helps her get over the other man.

After that, ask your wife for the truth about the affair. It is hard to believe that they worked together, granted in a huge factory, but they had close contact, took breaks together, ate lunch together, presumably they were around other employees who knew them both and knew he was married, but no one ever made a comment in front of or to your wife that gave her any idea that he was or might be married. She was completely in the dark about this? It may be true, but it is not believable.

You can judge that you are getting the truth when it starts to make sense. Does it make sense to you that your wife did not know other man was married? If there are other things that don't make sense to you, push your wife for answers on those, too. Tell your wife that you might like her to take a polygraph if she insists on sticking to stories that are not believable. About 100% of cheaters lie about the affair, minimize how often they had sex, minimize their interest in pursuing the affair partner, and try to paint themselves in a favorable light. Cheaters lie. Assume all your wife's words are lies except those that are supported by her actions. Stop looking at your wife like you know her. You don't. At least for the past year or so, this is a person you don't know. Don't give her the same level of belief and trust that you used to give to that old wife who you knew. This is a new wife and a new marriage. Your old wife and old marriage are gone forever.

Next, tell your wife she must give you access to all communication devices and accounts, all passwords, and let you know her whereabouts 24/7 until she regains your trust.

Tell your wife that you cannot control her, you can only control yourself, what you are willing to accept in your marriage and what you are not, and how you react to her actions.

In general, demand respect for yourself. Do not let her tell you that your lack of attention caused her to cheat. You did nothing deceitful. You were honest with her. She lied and cheated on you. Even if you acknowledge that her complaints are valid, she could have told you how she felt and, if you still didn't change, she could have divorced you.

Add any other requirements you feel you need to heal. Sex? She was giving it to the other man. Has she been denying it to you? This is another way to gauge whether she is moving past the affair and back to the marriage or continuing to pine for the other man.

The things posted here are not unreasonable. They are things that we all expect of a marriage - remaining faithful, being open and honest, not keeping secrets.

If your wife doesn't want to meet your conditions, file for divorce. You will save yourself a lot of time, trouble, and needless pain just to end up in the same place in the end anyway, but at least you'll be able to respect yourself. Sometimes filing for divorce is the wakeup call that a cheater needs to see that the betrayed spouse is serious, especially if the betrayed spouse had been a bit of doormat.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Did he tell her he was separated or even that he was divorced?

If so, he played her like a fish.


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## Vegemite (Apr 12, 2012)

Krichali said:


> There's a post on here that I liked so much I put it in my signature. It's a list of the correct behaviors that a cheating spouse should do if they really mean to fix things. Have her read it and see if she does them.


Krichali,I have to ditto that. It's a brilliant summary! I've read it several times now and plan to get my CW to read it and then discuss it. Mine is a quite hopeless case. But so are many on this site are.

Swerve, I feel your pain.You're getting a lot of good advice. Do not back down from your heartfelt feelings. Good luck!


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

kenmoore14217 said:


> yeah, i know, i screwed up....oh well


I was in a mood last night when I saw this and said, WTF. I found the site and read through it, and could not figure out why this was being posted. 

Now I see why you did it.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

Machiavelli said:


> So, she mainly just does single guys and leaves the marrieds alone?




May be she got caught first time, He came to know about A only because of OMW, How many As without OP knowing about?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Thorburn said:


> I was in a mood last night when I saw this and said, WTF. I found the site and read through it, and could not figure out why this was being posted.
> 
> Now I see why you did it.


L's wife is a hardcore serial cheater, and she doesn't even know why she is the way she is. All she wants is her man to take her back, but he's never going to because he has self control and too much self respect.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Update?


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## akashNil (May 20, 2012)

swerve09 said:


> My kids are also hurt and *want me to leave and take them with me but* i'm still here.


Probably they know better. Listen to them.


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