# Help!! New or repressed feelings & what to do?



## boredandconfused (Aug 21, 2012)

This is the first time I have had the courage to "talk" about this problem. I am realizing from reading posts here that my problem is not all that unique. I'm sorry that its so long, its kindof a long story.

My husband and I have been married for about 12 years. When we first met, things in the bed room were GREAT. Sex almost everyday, most times more than once a day. I have always really enjoyed sex, and with him i just couldn't get enough. At certain points throughout the years, the sex has lagged, and we have always found ways to rekindle the spark.

About 8 years ago, we had our son. Then about 6 years ago, we were watching an HBO real sex episode about pin up girls, and i found myself getting really turned on. After the pin up girls where male body builders, then i felt nothing. It got me started thinking, and wondering what the feelings were about. Also right around that time we started to go through a "slump". There were actually times that i would begin to perform oral on him (he has always enjoyed it before, enough to ask for it) and he would tell me he was tired, and to stop. After being frequently turned down, i began to get really depressed. I worked on my self, and began to loose weight to try to get him to be interested in me again (we had both gained some weight), but still nothing. Out of boredom/loneliness I decided to try going into chat rooms. I was not interested in having an affair with another man(i know that pretty much everyone in chat rooms are looking for sex), so i went into a lesbian chat room. I told myself it was because women are less aggressive sexually so i could just talk and make friends. I met several women in those rooms, and lots of them were just online friends to chat with when i was lonely. Then i met a grl that i just clicked with. It didn't start out sexual, but bfore i knew it i was calling her after hubby went to sleep at night, and talking for hours. Things began to turn sexual, but just phone sex, and since she lived on the other side of the country, there was virtually no chance of it ever being more. 

Hubby has always been one of those guys that talks about how hot it is to see women together, so i thought "hey, i know how to get the spark going again". I didn't tell him right away about the grl online, i just told him i thought i might like to try a three way. That i thought women were beautiful. He said "no way" and kindof freaked out. He asked what made me start to think like that, so i told him about the grl i had been talking to. He got pissed, and i agreed to stop immediately.

I stopped for a while, but i kept thinking about other women, and things kept getting more distant between us. I have had a couple other "flings" with women online, but i haven't even met any of them in person, and always start to feel guilty eventually and break it off. I haven't been in a chat room in about 4 years, but my attraction to women is growing.

I am now at the point that hubby and i hardly have sex (3 times a month if i'm lucky). I am still very attracted to women. I have gotten to the point that i only watch all grl porn, guy on grl kindof grosses me out now. I find myself fantasizing about other women in my life, friends, coworkers, etc. I have been afraid to tell anyone(i was raised in a very christian family), and i have not said anything to hubby since the first time. I have been trying to make the desire go away, but it is getting worse. It is beginning to consume me, to the point that other women is all i can think about, and hubby is actually starting to turn me off.

I know/feel that this is wrong, and things are getting worse fast. I found myself google to find a les bar, and asking a male friend to take me with him to his fav strip club. I haven't every had a "real" les experience, so i kindof hope that if i actually do it, it will kill the fantasy. 

I don't know what to do. I feel like im slowly going crazy. It is getting to the point that i can't sleep, i'm depressed all the time. Hubby keeps asking me whats wrong, but i already know how he feels about this topic, so i don't feel like i can talk to him about it. I don't want to leave him, and break up our family, but i don't want to cheat either, and i don't know how much longer i can live like this. 

If anyone has any advice, or a similar experience, i would love to hear about it. 

Thank you


----------



## LoveYourself (Aug 19, 2012)

Hey, firstly what your feeling is not wrong. It's important to be true to yourself even if it's scary at first or you'll drive yourself crazy, then you'll be no good to anyone! Are you yourself Christian? or have any hangups as seeing yourself gay or bi sexual?

I watched a documentary were couples divorced because the partner was gay and they still managed a perfectly functional family. How would your husband feel if you mentioned that you felt that spark was lost, specifically do you think he knows things aren't completely peachy?

My partner does not like a lot of things I like, but even though there's a bit of friction It still always feel better to be honest. Of course I can't speak for you and your husband.


----------



## LoveYourself (Aug 19, 2012)

Hey, firstly what your feeling is not wrong. It's important to be true to yourself even if it's scary at first or you'll drive yourself crazy, then you'll be no good to anyone! Are you yourself Christian? or have any hangups as seeing yourself gay or bi sexual?

I watched a documentary were couples divorced because the partner was gay and they still managed a perfectly functional family. How would your husband feel if you mentioned that you felt that spark was lost, specifically do you think he knows things aren't completely peachy?

My partner does not like a lot of things I like, but even though there's a bit of friction It still always feel better to be honest. Of course I can't speak for you and your husband.


----------



## boredandconfused (Aug 21, 2012)

I am a christian, so I do believe what i'm feeling is wrong. I have a very hard time thinking of my self as gay or bi. I guess i kindof think of it as "fantacy, or tendancies", however since i've never done anything i cant really say for sure. As i look back over my life i do have to wonder if i just repressed these feelings. I was a "tom-boy" as a kid, and i am still not super "girly". I always got really nervous around other girls, and had an easier time making friends with guys. I just thought i had social anxiety, but men dont make me nervous.


----------



## LoveYourself (Aug 19, 2012)

Ah I see. I don't want to lecture you about religion, that's up to you. It sounds like you know yourself though. There is plenty of wonderful and devout gay Christians. Understandably its hard to digest if you've held onto this belief system for a long time but like I say if your not true to yourself it often ends in emotional or mental sabotage. Different churches interpret the bible differently and depending on what church or how strong your beliefs are you may or may not be interested in the scientific evidence that proves being gay happens frequently in nature. 

Now there is a good Documentary ' Because the Bible told me so', its not anti Christian but it does strongly question certain interpretations of the scriptures and offers more modern views. 

I wish you luck and I hope you find peace.


----------



## boredandconfused (Aug 21, 2012)

Thank you for your encouraging words. I almost have to wonder though if the fantasy is more exciting because it is the "forbidden fruit". That's what makes me wonder if i just try it, it might end the fantasy. I wish he was the kind of guy that would just bring me to the strip club and let me have the experience. I know he would be furious though if he found out i was still feeling this way much less if a actually did something.


----------



## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

boredandconfused said:


> Thank you for your encouraging words. I almost have to wonder though if the fantasy is more exciting because it is the "forbidden fruit". That's what makes me wonder if i just try it, it might end the fantasy. I wish he was the kind of guy that would just bring me to the strip club and let me have the experience. I know he would be furious though if he found out i was still feeling this way much less if a actually did something.


Something seems off. If you profess to be a Christian and you believe that same sex attraction is wrong, then how could you possibly justify having a ONS with another woman just to see if what you are feeling is a fleeting fancy or are true feelings of attraction for other women? 

If I were you, I would do some serious soul searching and honest introspection in order to figure out if you were ever attracted to men. Did you ever find your husband attractive at one point in your marriage? Was sex ever enjoyable to you with him? I have a hard time believing that you can be strongly attracted to men the later find out it was a sham and that you were always attracted to women and never knew it. I think most terms about sexual confusion is a misnomer and that in reality people know exactly what they like - they are afraid to come to terms with their preferences.


----------



## boredandconfused (Aug 21, 2012)

Very good point, well made. Your first point, effectively describes my dilemma. I bounce back and forth with this, from trying to just make the feelings to go away, to being very close to indulging. 

As for your second point, i'm not sure. I've had sex with plenty of men (clearly im not a very good christian) before i met my hubby. I always had a very hard time orgasming, but i did enjoy the foreplay. I have always had sex with my eyes mostly closed (weird i know). But at the same time i'm kindof aggressive sexually. Mayb this could explain it? 

This is actually kindof scary, because both of u are kindof confirming my fears. Mayb i have always been into women and just to afraid to admit it. Where does that leave me now though. I don't want to ruin my, and my kids lives.


----------



## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

You're a Christian, so I'm going to talk to you like one. The very best advice I can give to you is pray HONESTLY to the Lord about this. Don't go before him laden with guilt, making a bunch of apologies, or excuses, or rationalizations, or beating yourself up. Right now you're doing A LOT of that in here with us.

It's time to surrender. You're in the midst of rough seas, but he will guide you successfully out of if you truly surrender and listen. Cast your cares on the Lord, for he cares for you. You're looking for a level of truth here that nobody on this board can provide you.

Get in a quiet place, confess openly all you've done, exactly how you feel, and do NOT try and hide a single detail, and do NOT try and solve your problem. Don't go into the prayer with a preconceived notion of what you assume the Lord will say, or even what the "right" or "wrong" thing to do is. Release _everything_, and don't stop until it's all out,, and allow God to speak to you, and navigate you out of these waters.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Holly cow folks. Here is a married woman with kids and the advice she is getting is to stop fighting it and to cheat. What if she came on here and said her attraction was to big muscled guidos? Would you give her the same encouragement to cheat and stop fighting it?

She has been able to have a many year sex life with her husband successfully, and it has hit a rough spot, the answer is not to dump him, her family, and to cheat.

When did having gay or bi thoughts turn into a license to cheat?

To the OP, stay out of chat rooms, it is cheating and bring unfaithful to your husband.

Consider together seeing a sex therapist to learn to reconnect. Try watchibg the porn you like with him, he might like pinup girls too! You might try dressing that way too. It might fire you up as well as him.


----------



## boredandconfused (Aug 21, 2012)

Thank you jaquen, and shaggy, u speak to the side of me that is resisting. to answer u shaggy, we do actually have the same taste in women, I wouldn't say i'm a pinup, but i am tatted and pierced like the women in the show. I think thats one of the more frustrating things. When i said that i didnt like les porn, he liked watching it together, and said it was hot. Since i told him about how i feel, he wont watch it with me, and all of a sudden he doesn't like it anymore. It's like he pretends that i never told him about it.


----------



## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

My 2 cents, I doubt you're a lesbian. You've had several emotional and sexual relations with men and you've at least connected on both accounts with your husband. Second, I doubt you're bisexual either. You haven't had the chance to be intimate let alone fall in love with another woman to consider yourself bisexual. I do believe however that you're bi-curious. Many 100% straight women only get off to girl/girl porn and most of what you see isn't genuine anyway. Those girls are gay for pay. 

I think alot of what you're feeling now is pent up fantasy and the resentment you have from your H's rejections has made straight sex unappealing. Note, you mention that the times you start thinking about women is when you feel distanced from your H. If you were fully gay, no amount of intimacy from him would make you stay.

I agree with shaggy, the both of you should get MC ASAP. This rough spot should be a wake up call to how much trouble he's in.


----------



## boredandconfused (Aug 21, 2012)

good point complex. do u agree then that if i was able to have some sort of sudo les experiences, like a strip club that it may end the fantasy.


----------



## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

boredandconfused said:


> good point complex. do u agree then that if i was able to have some sort of sudo les experiences, like a strip club that it may end the fantasy.


I don't know to be honest. With the strip clubs, you're only getting carnal pleasure. You won't experience what it's really like to be with a woman in a committed relationship. It's all glamorised and orchestrated in those settings. If anything, it'll only exasperate your sexual curiosity. I've known several bicurious women who actually done the deed and were permanently put off by les stuff, others came to the conclusion that they are indeed bi. But suppose you do discover that you're bi and still love your H, where do you go from there. Suppose you had a threesome and your H develops more of a connection to the other woman or you vica versa?

I think you should be completely honest with your husband and the pair of you should address this problem openly. Not communicating these things and putting them aside will only distance your further.


----------



## boredandconfused (Aug 21, 2012)

I agree, i'm not sure if i could handle him being preferred in a three way. Although i think it would hurt more as a blow to my self esteem than fear of loosing him. At the same time i dont think i really would want to jump into a relationship with a woman. More of a friend with benifits, although behind his back would b more wrong than i think i could handle.


----------



## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

To be clear in my previous post, I'm not advocating that you cheat on your husband. However, if you are really a lesbian at heart, then your husband doesn't deserve to have a wife that isn't 100% in love with him. None of us know for sure what is in your heart. We only have your words to go by, and posting your thoughts in a forum is not the same as having a face to face chat. But, based on what we know, you will get some advice to sift through. Most of the opinions here are pretty good.

IMO, your first priority is to make this marriage work at all costs. Also, just because you were with a lot of men in your past, it doesn't mean that you are a bad Christian today. The point I was trying to make is that if you are a committed to your Christian faith, then having a lesbian encounter is not the right thing to do. This is especially true if you are already married.


----------



## boredandconfused (Aug 21, 2012)

Thank you everyone for your advice. I've been thinking about this all day, and i think that a lot of u are right. I am definitely attracted to women, and it is very depressing to think that i'll never get to give it a try. However, i think that it is our problems/my feelings of rejection that are making me want to go outside our marriage. One common thing in all my online EAs was that those women told me I was beautiful and seemed to mean it. They wanted to talk to me and hang out with me. One woman was so intent on meeting in person that i broke it off for fear of it actually turning into a PA. It's like i would be rejected and ignored all day, and then when he went to sleep I got to be wanted/desired. Thank you everyone for helping me talk through it, like i said i have no one i can actually talk to about this. As for the resolution, unfortunately i don't know if there will b one. I cant force him to b attracted to me again, and i am realizing that i need to feel wanted. Since he refuses to even acknowledge our talk about my bi-feelings I doubt trying to bring it up again would do any good. I think that mayb the reason i am gravitating tward women rather than men is that it feels less like cheating. Having a close emotional relationship with a women is really just a friendship. Also i have never considered oral sex to be "real" sex, it's more just forplay, and while kissing someone else while u are married is still wrong, it seems less wrong. I have to wonder if another part of our problem could b that we did too much too soon. Since we were both pretty experience when we met, it didn't take long until vanilla sex began to get boring. Within the first 5 years, we had done everything we could think of to spice things up (porn, toys, role play(that caused its own problems), lite bdsm, we bought books and tryed countless positions, sex in public, everything we could think of). I hope that we have not burned out sexually past the point of repair.


----------

