# infatuation



## sharko12345

Hello

My wife has said she has met another man. She is 'infatuated' with him and is constantly thinking about him. So says she 'i cannot seem to get over him'. Now, for me anyhow, this is the strange part. She says it was a chance encounter at lunch in her work. It lasted five minutes and nothing happened she said. This happened at last xmas

She won't say his name. This is weird. Her feeling for him are so stong that our marriage is falling apart. I don't want to be a doormat and i think it is wrong, She has an emotional attachment to this man. What will i do? We have kids. I never cheated on her. We had bad patches in the past. I am not perfect but tird to make her happy. She says she wants freedom and wants to embrace change. She is 31, we married young.

Is this crazy stuff. To me this is bizarre and teenage stuff. Should i run or stay? I mean she wont identify this mystery man.


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## Almostrecovered

this is a good example of trickle truth, I suggest you click the newbie link in my signature as it is highly likely she is engaged in an affair

you need to investigate and get the truth for yourself


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## torani

Her focus on another man will ruin your marriage. An emotional attachment to another person, IMO, is the same as cheating. 

She needs to make a decision on what she wants, you or the other guy. If its you, then she needs to put her infatuation in check and get her priorities straightened out! 

I also wonder if it is more than an infatuation.... Do you run? Its up to how much you can handle... be honest with her about how you feel about it and whether or not you can accept it or get past it. 

How would she feel if the tables were turned and YOU were the one with an infatuation.... 

I am so sorry this is happening to you....


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## sharko12345

Hi, thanks for replying. 

She is adamant nothing physical has happened. She says she doesn't even know his surname and has left her workplace already. She is so convincing. I am a nervous wreck over this and want to end our relationship.


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## sharko12345

She sent a message to a physic as to whether she should contact this man. This is weird stuff.


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## Rowan

She's either having an affair with this mystery man or, just as troubling in my opinion, your marriage (or your wife alone) is in such a condition that she's escaping into a pure fantasy built around someone she only met once. Either way, your marriage is in _serious_ trouble. 

First, determine whether this is actually an affair. Even if it's "just" an emotional affair, it can be deadly to your marriage. If an affair is going on, you'll need to bust it up before any work on the marriage can proceed. After that, if you still want to reconcile, there will be a lot of hard work ahead of you both to create a marriage that actually works. 

If there's no affair, you can skip the killing the affair step and move straight to the hard work required to create a fulfilling marriage for both of you. I recommend _His Needs, Her Needs _and _Lovebusters_, both my Dr. Harley. Some MC and IC for both of you might also be beneficial.

If it's a purely made up deal and she's behaving oddly in other ways, there's also the possibility that your wife is suffering from some type of mental illness or disorder.


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## torani

sharko12345 said:


> Hi, thanks for replying.
> 
> She is adamant nothing physical has happened. She says she doesn't even know his surname and has left her workplace already. She is so convincing. I am a nervous wreck over this and want to end our relationship.


I understand that completely, I would be a nervous wreck to! How awful that you have to be put in a position to feel like this.

Even if nothing physical has happened, and she may be telling the truth, there is still the issue with her infatuation and focus on someone other than her husband... 

She really needs to make a firm decision and give you some place to work from. keeping you hanging on while hurting you is wrong. If you want some time off from her to decide what to do then you should take it. 

What you want and need is important.....


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## sharko12345

She is adamant no affair occurred. God, i am a bit shocked to hear so many hear tell me this. I dont know what to do. I don't really believe her. If it is true that she met this lad for only 5 minutes, didnt get his full name and is having these feelings still, she must be having a mental breakdown or cheating and lying


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## ScarletBegonias

She sounds like she's really out there.Is she having some sort of mental break?

Either way,it's time you started digging.If for no other reason than to bring yourself peace of mind if you find nothing.


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## sharko12345

thanks for the replies. No this has not happened before. It happened last xmas. So that is why i think it is so mad.


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## Cosmos

Definitely more going on here than she's telling you...

I had a 'chance encounter' on aeroplane, once, which could so easily have turned into an affair (I even let him talk me into giving him my phone number...). The 'encounter' though was just a symptom of what was wrong in my marriage and actually prompted me to realize that it was time to get out of my sexless marriage, which I did.

If everything seems otherwise OK in your marriage, I think you definitely need to dig a little further, OP.


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## sharko12345

Well, really i am feeling like ending this marriage. I am completely in shock. As regards loyalty i never cheated, even turned down a few advances myself. I value loyalty over all. That is why i am here. I feel like my only condition in the marriage has been taken from me and i won't forgive this.


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## sharko12345

She has a very bad baby blues with our second child and i thought she had gone mad. I had to work and she accused me of irrational stuff, like taking the car to work so she had to stay at home. 
I am glad i came to this forum, and your views are so honest, but i am shocked. Could this really be an affair. Could my wife lie to my face, look me in the eye and say she is not having an affair?


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## sharko12345

ps: she recovered fully after her babyblues


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## ScarletBegonias

sharko12345 said:


> Could this really be an affair. Could my wife lie to my face, look me in the eye and say she is not having an affair?


These sentences sounds so naive to me.I think you need to read a bit in the infidelity forum here and see exactly how many spouses do exactly that.

When a woman is in love with her partner,she will not spend any time being infatuated with another man to the point of damaging her relationship.


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## sharko12345

Do you know any of her co-workers well enough to ask them about this mystery man?[/QUOTE]

I would be too embarrassed to approach her co-workers. It is very combative office she works in. So imagine if she is having a mental breakdown i plant the seed that she is having an affair. Her co-worker are not discreet.


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## Cosmos

sharko12345 said:


> Well, really i am feeling like ending this marriage. I am completely in shock. As regards loyalty i never cheated, even turned down a few advances myself. I value loyalty over all. That is why i am here. I feel like my only condition in the marriage has been taken from me and i won't forgive this.


Sharko, this must be very hurtful and painful for you, but don't be too hasty. You need to do some investigating and lay down some firm marital boundaries with your W. Her behaviour is completely wrong.


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## sharko12345

These sentences sounds so naive to me.I think you need to read a bit in the infidelity forum here and see exactly how many spouses do exactly that.

When a woman is in love with her partner,she will not spend any time being infatuated with another man to the point of damaging her relationship.[/QUOTE]

Thanks for the honesty. I have a decent education, have an ok job. I though i wasn't naive. So i am just shocked i didn't see it coming. She looked me in the eye and said she has not cheated. She is rigid on this point. 
She looks me in the eye, didn't flinch and say she is not cheating, just infatuated. This is crazy stuff.


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## SimplyAmorous

Without her giving you the information you seek....she is trying to carry on something mysterious / secretive...this carries *the power* to destruct everything you have ever known, as her affection has turned to another...

When these crushes are laid in the open -EXPOSED for what they are, they loose their power...I bet she is holding more back from you.... 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/articles/993-sex-lies-secrets-secrecy-destroying-your-marriage.html

How does one have a 5 minute lunch break conversation & work *all that* up in their minds & hearts... if that is all there was... chances are this man wouldn't even remember her name! What in the world did he say to her to hold out this allure....he could just be of the flirtatious type...and it meant nothing but to boost his own ego.....and this was 5 months ago! 

Call her bluff...let her know you are exiting the marriage with this waywardness /heart betrayal going on...you deserve better.

This will get her attention...


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## ScarletBegonias

sharko12345 said:


> These sentences sounds so naive to me.I think you need to read a bit in the infidelity forum here and see exactly how many spouses do exactly that.
> 
> When a woman is in love with her partner,she will not spend any time being infatuated with another man to the point of damaging her relationship.


Thanks for the honesty. I have a decent education, have an ok job. I though i wasn't naive. So i am just shocked i didn't see it coming. She looked me in the eye and said she has not cheated. She is rigid on this point. 
She looks me in the eye, didn't flinch and say she is not cheating, just infatuated. This is crazy stuff.[/QUOTE]

She may not be cheating but you at least have to take the steps to know for certain.Every once in a while when all the signs point to cheating they really aren't cheating.Let's hope that's the case here.


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## treyvion

sharko12345 said:


> Hello
> 
> My wife has said she has met another man. She is 'infatuated' with him and is constantly thinking about him. So says she 'i cannot seem to get over him'. Now, for me anyhow, this is the strange part. She says it was a chance encounter at lunch in her work. It lasted five minutes and nothing happened she said. This happened at last xmas
> 
> She won't say his name. This is weird. Her feeling for him are so stong that our marriage is falling apart. I don't want to be a doormat and i think it is wrong, She has an emotional attachment to this man. What will i do? We have kids. I never cheated on her. We had bad patches in the past. I am not perfect but tird to make her happy. She says she wants freedom and wants to embrace change. She is 31, we married young.
> 
> Is this crazy stuff. To me this is bizarre and teenage stuff. Should i run or stay? I mean she wont identify this mystery man.


I'm glad you identified that you can't just sit in there and do nothing. The guy is stealing your sexual energy and masculinity through your wife.

Here goes the deal. If you know that marriages are going to get into trouble after some time... It happens to everyone, why not account for those troubles and not have it tear up something that you had good intentions going into.

So your wife is having the 7 year itch and things outside are looking desireable. This is something that happens.

You see that you cannot puppy dog behind her and chase her, and you see loving her through this is not going to help anything because you will simply provide her enablement in her "affair" of the heart with the other dude.

I'm glad your wife was comfortable enough being open and honest with you to explain this to you.

I'm going to let others chime in, I think you have to speak through actions and not do anything to feed the affair. Or perhaps you could man completely up, and let her fantasy run its course... I don't know.


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## mablenc

If she is not cheating I think its a good sign that she is being upfront about it. I would for her own good take away all her privacy and get her into MC ASAP.


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## Jellybeans

sharko12345 said:


> She says it was a *chance *encounter at lunch *in her work*. It lasted five minutes and nothing happened she said. This happened at *last xmas
> *
> 
> *She won't say his name. *


If she won't even tell you who he is, then there is a lot more she ain't telling.

I doubt you have heard it all.

I accidentally clicked on "This is normal for women" thinking it said "this is not normal for women."


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## whitecat

I would think that if your wife is having an affair, she would not have admitted to you that she is crushing over some guy. She just, out-of-the-blue, told you she has this major infatuation with a guy that she met for 5 minutes. Perhaps this was her way of saying, "look things are not going great in our marriage, I met this guy and I'm super attracted to him and that's weird. I should be having these feelings for you, not for some other guy. I wish things were different for us. I wish I could have these feelings for you but I don't. Can you help me out? Can we figure out some way to get back that spark between us?". Maybe that's what she wanted to say but didn't know how, so she just told you she's infatuated with that guy.

She says she wants freedom and wants to embrace change! Sounds like she's been bored with her life for a while. She's probably been fantasizing about change for a while and at the first opportunity, she latched on to something to spin her fantasy around. 

You could look at this as an opportunity to get to know what your wife is thinking. Why is she dissatisfied, why is she unhappy, talk about her needs and desires. Don't assume the worst has happened and make your decisions based on some imaginings. Take a deep breath, relax, and listen to what she has to say. The guy is not the problem. The problem is between your wife and yourself. So listen to her. Don't get angry, or defensive, or resentful. Listen to what she has to say and hear her without getting defensive. Sometimes it takes a little bump in the road to shake us out of our complacency. Think of it as a wake-up call. The sky is not falling (at least not yet). Get out of panic mode and into fixing mode. Good luck.


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## mablenc

sharko12345 said:


> I am glad i came to this forum, and your views are so honest, but i am shocked. Could this really be an affair. Could my wife lie to my face, look me in the eye and say she is not having an affair?


unfortunately, cheaters will look at you in the eyes, swear by the bible, on your kids, on their own mother. It's very shocking and sad once you realize how easy they can do it. But, it's the most common thing they do because they are in a fog and they can't come to terms with how bad they are acting. 

Read some post, you will see the same behavior, the same lies word per word. It's called cheaters script and they all get fully trained in little time.


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## Wiserforit

sharko12345 said:


> She won't say his name...
> 
> She says she wants freedom and wants to embrace change.


These are declarations of marital war: protecting a love interest from the husband, and code-speak for infidelity.

One of the things she's doing is exercising power over you, turning you into an emotional basket-case by pulling the rug out from under you and being the one in control of the action.

The only thing that sets the ship right is to remove that power. What she has done is tantamount to an affair already so I'd be going into 007 mode at the same time I was implementing the 180. 

Without tipping your hand, get going with the key-logger, cell phone surveilance, voice activated recorder and etc. But read through the 180 in my signature below. She's getting a huge ego boost seeing you crumble before her. So you have to mentally prepare to separate from her. Either way it goes - her coming to her senses or not - the 180 sets you up for the right track.


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## Viseral

This is what you do:

A) Put a GPS tracker on her car.

B) Put a Voice Activated Recorder under her car seat.

C) Get in shape. Start lifting weights, change your hair and clothes to something more stylish.

Find out the truth, improve yourself, when you have more information come back here and ask for advice. Do not confront her, just gather evidence.


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## belleoftheball

To me she is def. hiding things from you and that is just obvious if she will not even give you any more details than what she has and has those many feelings for him. I hate to say this, but I would start preparing for the worse. Sorry this has happened to you.


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## Thumper

the "FOG", its powerful stuff. What she doesn't understand is its not real, its a projection of what she thinks the ideal man is. She'll eventually come out of it, but it might be too late to save the marriage.


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## sharko12345

Thumper said:


> t man is. She'll eventually come out of it, but it might be too late to save the marriage.


Thanks to all for the advice. I had a long chat with the wife. She exploded with rage. Said i had not listened to her for over 3 years, i am took cold and had taken the relationship for granted. She told me the guys name, said she met him over a coffee in the work canteen. He complimented her and she fell under his spell. She also admitted writing poetry about him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sharko12345

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sharko12345

My wife says she doesn't love me. She says i broke her will by repeatedly not listening to her. She brought up stuff that happen 5 years ago and more. The hatred in her voice was shocking. I don't know what to say. She denys having an affair went hysterical when i really pushed the issue. Should i believe her? I suppose i did fob her off in past when she was concerned about the spark going missing. But the next day she'd appear content.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PreRaphaelite

sharko12345 said:


> My wife says she doesn't love me. She says i broke her will by repeatedly not listening to her. She brought up stuff that happen 5 years ago and more. The hatred in her voice was shocking. I don't know what to say. She denys having an affair went hysterical when i really pushed the issue. Should i believe her? I suppose i did fob her off in past when she was concerned about the spark going missing. But the next day she'd appear content.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No you should not believe her. She is extremely deep in the Fog of what is probably an EA.

You said she appeared content the next day? What does that mean? Did she apologize? Try to talk to you? What?


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## sharko12345

PreRaphaelite said:


> No you should not believe her. She is extremely deep in the Fog of what is probably an EA.
> 
> You said she appeared content the next day? What does that mean? Did she apologize? Try to talk to you? What?


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sharko12345

Apologies, when i said ' she appeared fine the next day' , i was talking about when she had voiced concerns about our marriage years ago and then didnt mention the concerns again the next day.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## norajane

sharko12345 said:


> Thanks to all for the advice. I had a long chat with the wife. *She exploded with rage. Said i had not listened to her for over 3 years, i am took cold and had taken the relationship for granted.* She told me the guys name, said she met him over a coffee in the work canteen. He complimented her and she fell under his spell. She also admitted writing poetry about him.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_





sharko12345 said:


> My wife says she doesn't love me. *She says i broke her will by repeatedly not listening to her. She brought up stuff that happen 5 years ago and more. The hatred in her voice was shocking. *I don't know what to say. She denys having an affair went hysterical when i really pushed the issue. Should i believe her? *I suppose i did fob her off in past when she was concerned about the spark going missing.* But the next day she'd appear content.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So, her infatuation is based on all the resentment she's developed in your relationship over the years. The infatuation is a symptom of the problems in your relationship, not the problem. She's stuck on her fantasy of him because she's not happy with the reality of how things are between you.

You two need to focus on the problems and dealing with them if you want to save your marriage. Listen to what she's telling you about how you don't listen to her, about the stuff from 5 years ago, etc. Her resentment over that stuff will end your relationship if you don't address it.

Have you considered marriage counseling? Would she go? I imagine someone into psychics would be difficult to convince to go to MC where people need to deal realistically with issues.

What about you? Do you want to work on things? Why did you ignore her in the past when she told you the spark in your relationship was missing? Why didn't you listen? People don't say things like that unless there's a reason and usually the reason is that's how they feel - something is wrong in the relationship.


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## sharko12345

She certainly isnt fine. She is resisting all effort to save this marriage saying it is too late and i ignored her pleas in the past. I really didnt think she was pleading for our marriage. She is adamant is doesn't love and is in a state of rage and anger. She did admit she was wrong about her infatuation and would try and cut him from her mind. Should i keep trying or is this past rescuing? I mean my wife is in a rage, then calm, then angry. I am just hurt and shocked.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thumper

Sounds like she's disconnecting, if she hasn't fully already. This is bad. Do u have access to her cellphone usage/Bill? Your not sure how long this has been going on really. But u need to find out as quietly as possible. Don't accuse her of anything. Nothing can be fixed if this is already an emotional affair till the OM is out of the picture, but you don't have a leg to stand on either. 
Now the hard part, you better start working on you, and the issues she has with you. You can try to ask for marriage counseling, my hunch is she'll say no, especially if the OM is now taking care of her emotional needs. You give her no reasons to come back, if she feels the way she said for as long as she said. It might be too late, let's hope not. 
Also u better find yourself some things to keep your mind busy. Your gonna be a little all over the place. Be prepared. Goog luck, hope you keep posting, it does help


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## Chelle D

For God's sake... she's telling you she wants a deep romantic fantasy with a stranger. She's missing it from you.

Keep the conversations flowing... even if she is bitterly angry, she is at least giving you clues as to what is wrong in your marriage. LISTEN to these clues. She wants you to respond more to her. She wants someone who will listen. Who gives her compliments out of the blue.. Who wants to romance her. She isn't feeling this from you & has now after 5 years of not getting the listening she thinks she deserves, she is seeking someone else who will listen.

Even if YOU think you listened in the past 5 yrs, she clearly is telling you now that she doesn't feel it. At this point, it really doesn't matter if you think you handled past talks seriously or not.

Start to say "I hear you..." Repeat what she has said in differnt wording and ask if you understood her correctly. Then tell her your plans for getting closer & listening to her more. Let her KNOW you want to try.. but also spell out plans HOW you are going to try. ASK her if she needs more? 

Start romancing her. Send her flowers/trinkets/bake her favorite cookies...whatever is her love trigger. Just sit & cuddle with her might be her thing. Write her a poem. Several. Doesn't have to be good... or rhyme or anything. Showing her that you are putting in an effort to write poetry about her will help. Means you are thinking about her when she is not there next to you.
She needs to know that she still has value in your life, and needs to be told how much.

Of course, all the above advice, is just my opinion, and only if you really want to save the marriage. 

If you are looking for excuse to give up & want others to confirm to your mind that more MUST have happened, then you've already got that here.


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## PreRaphaelite

norajane said:


> So, her infatuation is based on all the resentment she's developed in your relationship over the years. The infatuation is a symptom of the problems in your relationship, not the problem. She's stuck on her fantasy of him because she's not happy with the reality of how things are between you.
> 
> You two need to focus on the problems and dealing with them if you want to save your marriage. Listen to what she's telling you about how you don't listen to her, about the stuff from 5 years ago, etc. Her resentment over that stuff will end your relationship if you don't address it.
> 
> Have you considered marriage counseling? Would she go? I imagine someone into psychics would be difficult to convince to go to MC where people need to deal realistically with issues.
> 
> What about you? Do you want to work on things? Why did you ignore her in the past when she told you the spark in your relationship was missing? Why didn't you listen? People don't say things like that unless there's a reason and usually the reason is that's how they feel - something is wrong in the relationship.


After reading norajane's post I stand corrected. I agree with her very much. Your wife's infatuation is born of her anger and resentment toward you mostly. By admitting it up front she's telling you that she wants you to do something. 

Forget the infatuation. Sit her down when she's calm and tell her you are sorry for ignoring her needs and desires, that you didn't mean to and that you want to change that. Then listen to her patiently. Let her speak, even if she's just venting. Maybe venting is what she needs. 

And take if from there.


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## Wiserforit

sharko12345 said:


> My wife says she doesn't love me. She says i broke her will by repeatedly not listening to her. She brought up stuff that happen 5 years ago and more. The hatred in her voice was shocking. I don't know what to say. She denys having an affair went hysterical when i really pushed the issue. Should i believe her? I suppose i did fob her off in past when she was concerned about the spark going missing. But the next day she'd appear content.


Wow, does this ever change things.

So we've been trickle-truthed about the neglect on your part. Now we have a situation with years of resentment festering, and this infatuation lancing the boil. Bloood and pus spraying about.

Much harder to offer advice now, not being so sure how to weigh the neglect except to say you have major work to do in counseling and developing communication skills with the wife. 

You know what the problem is with being too late? It's too late. Hard to say if it is, but it is definitely far worse than the initial impression you gave without the acknowledgement of neglect.


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## sharko12345

Wiserforit said:


> Wow, does this ever change things.
> 
> So we've been trickle-truthed about the neglect on your part. Now we have a situation with years of resentment festering, and this infatuation lancing the boil. Bloood and pus spraying about.
> 
> Much harder to offer advice now, not being so sure how to weigh the neglect except to say you have major work to do in counseling and developing communication skills with the wife.
> 
> You know what the problem is with being too late? It's too late. Hard to say if it is, but it is definitely far worse than the initial impression you gave without the acknowledgement of neglect.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sharko12345

Well i am just saying what she told me. I didnt mean to 'trickle truth'. I mean i gave her all the attention i could and let her do what she wanted over the last 3 years. There have been neglect, but it wasnt out of spite or not loving her. She says her heart is empty and she doesn't love me. So my question is DO I stay and fight for this marriage and family or should i accept her statements and let it all go under. We have kids and the wife says if both show them love, they won't be affected by the break up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sharko12345

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

I'm so sorry. She's cheating on you.

Your wife has no respect for you whatsoever. She's already checked out of the marriage if she's talking this way.

Again, I'm sorry. Maybe you should file for divorce.

Yes, your getting the tickle truth. My ex h cheated on me and I left him. I never got any truths from him, just the other women he slept with.


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## sharko12345

My wife says the last time she spoke to him was her xmas party. He threw a cracker at her for fun. She says he is out of the country she thinks. She swears there was no physical contact. From listening to my wife, this guy flirted with her a few times He doesn't know about her feelings for him. So this is confusing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sharko12345

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> I'm so sorry. She's cheating on you.
> 
> Your wife has no respect for you whatsoever. She's already checked out of the marriage if she's talking this way.
> 
> Again, I'm sorry. Maybe you should file for divorce.
> 
> Yes, your getting the tickle truth. My ex h cheated on me and I left him. I never got any truths from him, just the other women he slept with.


*So you reckon he has cheated with this guy?* She is adamant she hasn't. She admits an emotional attachment. If we went to counselling would the truth come out??

I am sure confused. I tried talking with her calmly on Friday and she wasn't as hysterical. But she said she still doesn't love me. My sisters know her well and reckon she has an infatuation and has not acted on it.


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## Wiserforit

sharko12345 said:


> There have been neglect, but it wasnt out of spite or not loving her.


The "but" negates everything that comes before it. 

This isn't to blame you for her affair, but rather to demonstrate you have no hope of reconciliation if you invalidate her feelings of neglect. This minimizes your neglect and just makes the spouse angry when they hear these words. 

Stop doing it. 



> She says her heart is empty and she doesn't love me.


That's clear enough. 



> So my question is DO I stay and fight for this marriage and family or should i accept her statements and let it all go under. We have kids and the wife says if both show them love, they won't be affected by the break up.


The latter portion of the thread leads me to believe her love died for you before this infatuation occurred.

Seems to me you certainly aren't going to make it without both of you agreeing to marriage counseling. Have you asked her about that?


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## Thound

I don't know, but if my wife said she didn't love me anymore, I hope I would divorce her. She has said she didn't know if she had the right kind of love for me, and I almost left. Probably should have then.


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## sharko12345

I have said sorry to her for neglecting her. I have said i was willing to go to therapy and i want to try and save the marriage. She has agreed to go to therapy, but says it is going to be hopeless.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sharko12345

Thound said:


> I don't know, but if my wife said she didn't love me anymore, I hope I would divorce her. She has said she didn't know if she had the right kind of love for me, and I almost left. Probably should have then.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sharko12345

Well she does keep saying that. But i young kids. For me divorce is a final solution. If i find out for sure that she cheated that i will leave. But the kids? What to do? If she has resisted sleeping with this man, i'll see that as a tiny piece of hope we can work this disaster out. Her mystery has not been around , in the country, for 3 months.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chelle D

You're clearly just looking to ditch her. So she gave you an out.


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## sharko12345

Chelle D said:


> You're clearly just looking to ditch her. So she gave you an out.


Hi, no i want to try at this. I was replying to a previous poster who said they'd leave if their wife told them she didn't love them. I am saying that she swears there was no physical affair and that the guy doesn't even know she is infatuated with him. I am just saying if there was a physical affair and she is saying she doesn't love me i would have to have some dignity and leave. But we have kids. That guys hasn't been around for over 3 months. He isn't in the country. I reckons this is as a previous poster put it 'an infatuation borne out of years of resentment'. So i have to be rationale even if it hurts me now. She has agreed to go to therapy and me. I gonna fight for this marriage and for our families sake. The wife is adamant she doesn't love, that is for sure. I don't see an infatuation as cheating, just a major warning sign that we are in serious trouble. So what else can i do? I don't want to be a doormat, but the alternative is not what i want for the family and us.


----------



## Nsweet

Why is everyone jumping to conclusions about her cheating? He already asked her about ba-zillion times and she's said the same thing. In the world of interrogations you only get trickle truths for so long, but when the story is the same every time that's usually what happened. Had I not already heard about this situation, which is perfectly normal, I would have jumped on that bandwagon too, but I've seen this before. 

*IT'S NORMAL!!!!!!*


In fact "infatuation for others during marriage" is so normal that MCs are now training to handle these situations. I even saw a few videos on this somewhere on YouTube. And that information is just the 180 rewritten to sound more specialized for this. Really all you do, all you can do is agree with her when she's blaming you and kitchen-sinking, apologize and say "I love you" ONCE!.... Because after that you're only begging, and then act happy & pull away. Not now, but pull away from her when she says she doesn't love you and just leave her alone while you live your life. 

I could write pages and pages on this, but you're better off getting "Divorce Remedy" by Michele Weiner Davis and torrenting a copy of "Stop Your Divorce" by Homer McDonald from any of the reputable torrent search engines(the site shut down and you can only find it P2P). Those two books, you working on your anger issues, and then pulling away from her when she wants to talk about the OM or how you're at fault for everything, will help you more than going in circles with this other guy.

And by the way, everything she's said about this other guys buttons, throwing crackers at her, hitting all the switches and flirting with her at the office(I'm betting he flirted with a lot more women than just her)...... He sounds like a pickup artist. He knew exactly what he was doing, and I'm betting he's the exact type of emotionally abusive a-holes who would sleep with your wife for a few months and then dump her to move onto some other easy target. I can't say for certain, but having been in the field myself I just register all the tricks from what you've said. 

Hey You could always try "The Boyfriend Destroyer" on her and rework the fantasy where you call into question if he would ever do the things you do for her or just be another jerk who dump her after sex. You could really have her question if he was flirting with her because she was special or if he had flirted with every other woman and just went with the first married woman with poor boundaries. There's also a book about how to sleep with married women that entails all the tricks these creeps will use to get too close and then pick apart her boundaries until she's "in love", which sound a lot like what he did. I'd even guess she fell for the old "let me hold your hand.... Err, I mean do you believe in palm reading" routine guys have been using forever.


----------



## sharko12345

Hi,

Thanks for the advice Nsweet. Especially what to do when she says she doesnt love me. I will try that technique. She said she needs a sex life, so i can sleep in the same bed as her. But that it is only sex, nothing else. She seems full of rage and resentment about us relocating 4 years ago. I mean white rage, she talks until she looks like she is possessed with sheer rage and resentment. Will that subside ever? I mean a few months? I just listen and nod. Is it possible to get her to love again?


----------



## Nsweet

What? She will let you sleep in the same bed as her but only to have sex with her:scratchhead:`And that bothers you?????:rofl:

Ok listen up because I'll tell you exactly what you need to do here. You agree with your wife when she wants to vent, and by agree I mean just shut up and listen and agree when she's done. But put a good spin on it. I mean if your wife wants to blame her unhappiness and her unwillingness to adapt to the new residence on you, then you apologize like a man and agree with her. And by "apologize like a man" I mean you don't keep saying your sorry or get defensive and expect those words to be magic relationship mending words, like a child would. You apologize like a man by putting yourself in her shoes and finding out what's upsetting her so you can say what you need to say ONCE and not over use it the same way people over use the words "I love you". 

Hey, by the way.... Those reasons she gave you are not the real reasons she's upset. A lot of people think that when their spouse cheats or pulls away, it's never the case. But you still need to agree because when you do she'll stop making up excuses to hate you and you'll get to those real reasons A LOT sooner. I mean within a few days of you agreeing to her, not bringing it up all the time and not saying I love you or forcing her to sat it back. You'll start getting along in no time and find out why she's so upset. I'm willing to be it's like other posters said and she's idealizing a relationship with someone who listens to her and understands her better, or at least makes an effort to listen to her. 

Your wife seems pretty pissed at you. OK, you know the rule for that right? If wife wants to be pissed at you, you just let her and don't do anything to force her to feel some other way. You "try to make her happy" or try to make her feel any way different about you and you're guaranteed to hear how you don't respect her feelings, because at that point you really don't. If she wants to be mad you just let her be mad, the same goes for if she want to cry alone for a while or sleep on her side of the bed without you touching her. You just let her feel her emotions if she wants to feel her own emotions. 

Now there's an exception to this! If she, or anyone for that matter, wants to take things out on you, hit you, or verbally bring you down to make themselves feel better, you do not have to take that crap..... She can vent, but you cant! And neither one of you should be physically violent (which includes throwing things) because they have these weird things called 'Domestic Violence Laws' that will make your life a living hell if anyone even suspects you're violent with her and could be used against you in divorce court, so don't hit her and get the hell out if she starts smacking you around. That being said, just as a precaution, she can vent to you.... But get this, you don't raise your voice to her. I promise you, if you can master this when she's blowing up she will start speaking softer in a minute or so. It's a psychological trick that more people need to start using here. And whenever she's just too much for you and you feel you want to start yelling to reassert your dominance and defend yourself you just get some space from her and agree to talk about it later...... Though at times I have known some women to block egresses and force the matter..... Just bottle your anger, agree, and wait to vent later on. 

The very last tip I can give you is during ever talk with her, where you hear how you've f*cked up and you're the reason she's unhappy(according to her). I want you to pretend you're someone else like an actor and you're cool and confident while she's dramatizing script readings. It sounds silly but you need to stay confident because you will be tested and brought to tears so she can feel better. If she can make you cry, she won't have to cry herself and she can quickly turn it around on you and tell you to suck it up. That's a very emotionally abusive scenario, but again I've seen it happen(and experienced it). You have to see past her judgmental outbursts and see that she's hurting. If you can find out why she's hurting you can emphasize with her and set yourself miles apart from any guy on the street she may have a five minute chance encounter with. 

You ever see Limitless? Watch this clip where the guy takes the first pill and gets a confrontation with his landlords wife. Limitless Pill Scene - YouTube It's the same thing I just told you only in application. And always, always, always, hug your wife after you've had a fight. You may need to wait sometimes because she wants some space, but later on hug her. Because she needs the connection afterwards as much as you do and you want to be able to anchor good feelings to you after certain things like hugs or I even got into the habit of fighting while holding hands. It sounds weird holding hands and arguing but it keeps you both from yelling and it makes the kids think you're just talking, plus it's a lot easier to wrap it up with a hug afterwards. But remember if she doesn't want to touch you, you don't try to touch her. Just leave her alone and act happy while pulling away.


----------



## FlyingThePhoenix

Hello sharko12345,

Sorry you are here.



> Hi,
> Thanks for the advice Nsweet. Especially what to do when she says she doesnt love me. I will try that technique. She said she needs a sex life, so i can sleep in the same bed as her. But that it is only sex, nothing else. She seems full of rage and resentment about us relocating 4 years ago. I mean white rage, she talks until she looks like she is possessed with sheer rage and resentment. Will that subside ever? I mean a few months? I just listen and nod. Is it possible to get her to love again?


I'm rearranging your words into one sentence okay:

*(1) Your wife: I don't love YOU, I need SEX, but it MEANS NOTHING? I’m ANGRY with YOU and I RESENT YOU for NEGLECTING ME over THE LAST 4 YEARS.* 

She changed 4 years ago after the move; didn’t you notice *ANY *changes in her behaviour over the 4 years? She’s emotionally attached to someone at work and has lustful feelings for this OM because over the 4 years you haven’t met her needs. 

*Q.* Are you talking to each other or has it become the normal husband / wife routine talking? 

*Q.* How do you know she wasn’t cheating on you before the move 4 years ago? 

She would have had to break off any affair at that time when you moved and then started to feel *(1)*. You CAN’T make someone LOVE YOU AGAIN! “*If she’s lost that loving feeling for you*, (sorry, I couldn’t find another way to phrase that)”, but she’s done an excellent job of concealing it over the last 4 years OR you were "*Blind as a bat*" to her emotions.

Read *(1)* again and ask yourself is that what your marriage is going to be like from now on. Here’s another, you have young kids, what happens when the kids leave the nest to start their own lives? Your wife has no reason to stay because of *(1)*.

BTW: The poll for this thread, I chose “*I am a doormat for staying in this relationship*”. 
BUT it's only TRUE!, if you DON’T take action to resolve *(1)*.

Regards FTP


----------



## Wiserforit

sharko12345 said:


> She seems full of rage and resentment about us relocating 4 years ago. I mean white rage, she talks until she looks like she is possessed with sheer rage and resentment.


This is why the OP isn't setting the right framing at all. 

The time to have dealt with this is years overdue. For some reason having a wife full of rage is just peachy. But if she is infatuated with someone, the world is collapsing onto itself.


----------



## sharko12345

FlyingThePhoenix said:


> Hello sharko12345,
> 
> Sorry you are here.
> 
> 
> 
> I'm rearranging your words into one sentence okay:
> 
> *(1) Your wife: I don't love YOU, I need SEX, but it MEANS NOTHING? I’m ANGRY with YOU and I RESENT YOU for NEGLECTING ME over THE LAST 4 YEARS.*
> 
> She changed 4 years ago after the move; didn’t you notice *ANY *changes in her behaviour over the 4 years? She’s emotionally attached to someone at work and has lustful feelings for this OM because over the 4 years you haven’t met her needs.
> 
> *Q.* Are you talking to each other or has it become the normal husband / wife routine talking?
> 
> *Q.* How do you know she wasn’t cheating on you before the move 4 years ago?
> 
> Hi, we are talking again, but it is usually around stuff that happened in the past. Times i didn't listen. She say still says she didn't cheat. She says she talked to this guys over coffee 3 or 4 times in a crowded canteen. He complimented her and she fell under a spell. She says this man has no idea how she feels. She admits trying to find him on social network sites, but couldn't find him. She only has his first name.She is adamant she didn't even touch him or get a phone number.
> 
> While we were 'talking', i was listening she told a shocking truth about her childhood. I was floored. I mean it was a shocking story about her childhood. She is not herself these day. She has exams coming up and maybe the stress and tipped her over.The more i investigate the more i realize this isn't even an infatuation, but a weird sort of made of dream. He exists, but only as a lad that flirted with her. She says she doesn't love me. She says she needs therapy about her past and then will go to marriage therapy. She want to go to a wedding with me next week and still talks of going on holidays with me, 'just the two of us'
> 
> I am still confused. I reckon there is more to this. But the more i investigate and find out, the less this mystery man has to do with it. From what i know now, Not all from her mouth, this not an infatuation, but a fantasy. I am listening to her everyday, all the chats are about me not listening.
> 
> I don't think she cheated before we moved. I dont think she cheated now. I have investigated things as suggested by person on this thread and come up with a fantasy, not even an infatuation.
> 
> But either way my marriage is on trouble, big trouble.


----------



## sharko12345

Hi,

Now my wife is constantly using Tarot cards to decide her future She is getting tarot card readings about our reading and the lad she met fleetingly over lunch. 

I cannot understand her behaviour. This is not normal and it is scaring the hell out of me. Can this be some sort of breakdown? The more i find out the stranger this gets. It would be easier if she had an actual affair, at least i could make a decision or plan for something.


----------



## Jellybeans

How about you tell her you are getting your own reading on your marriage and the prognosis is not good. 

You can't understand her behavior but I can--she is cake-eating. She will string you along as long as she can unless you put your foot down.

So you also play a role in this too (in how you handle it). tell her you're not going to play second fiddle while she takes time to decide what she wants. Tell her you deserve better and if she can't make a decision, that's on her but you are not going to wait in the background while she has an affair.


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## sharko12345

But i have only evidence of 4 brief meetings in a crowded canteen, a fantasy in her head and that she doesnt love me. She will still cuddle up to me on the Sofa (like last night). She doesn't not know i know she is using tarot cards. She is spending money on silly readings. I don't know if she knows what she is really doing. It is like she is addicted to tarot cards. She spents loads of money and time on this crap. She has made no attempts to contact this lad apart from asking tarot cards readers if she should. 

Maybe i am deluding myself. Maybe i am making excuses and it is all over. Maybe she is still contacting this guy. But the evidence suggests she isnt. The evidence suggests confusion and points to something else.


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## Nsweet

Dude, you need to go along with what she wants and play up her fantasy.


----------



## Nujabes

I took a wild guess and chose the last one on the poll. Then after revealing the percentile I felt ashamed and embarrassed that I wasn't part of the majority. 

Well anyways, I really didn't plan on commenting but I spoke too soon.



sharko12345 said:


> She has made no attempts to contact this lad apart from asking tarot cards readers if she should.


Hipsters I tell ya... I dated a girl who uses tarot cards on me and it says that we will be a happy couple with happy ending... I decided to change that destiny...



sharko12345 said:


> Maybe i am deluding myself. Maybe i am making excuses and it is all over. Maybe she is still contacting this guy. But the evidence suggests she isnt. The evidence suggests confusion and points to something else.


She looking for that spice in her life. Heard of the song Teenage Dream by Katy Perry?


----------



## FlyingThePhoenix

Hi Sharko,



> Post#63 Hello sharko12345
> Hi, we are talking again, but it is usually around stuff that happened in the past. Times i didn't listen. She say still says she didn't cheat. She says she talked to this guys over coffee 3 or 4 times in a crowded canteen. He complimented her and she fell under a spell. She says this man has no idea how she feels. She admits trying to find him on social network sites, but couldn't find him. She only has his first name.She is adamant she didn't even touch him or get a phone number.


He complimented her and that was enough for her was it.

Q. Do you and your wife go for coffee and do you pay her any compliments?

Most men forget to pay compliments to their girlfriends/wives once you enter the relationship; everything settles down to a routine. Compliments are simple gestures of affections that mean so much more because you care. I learnt that from my ex. 



> While we were 'talking', i was listening she told a shocking truth about her childhood. I was floored. I mean it was a shocking story about her childhood.


You didn’t ask any questions when she was done talking. Can you share more details about her childhood? Are you talking about abuse?



> She is not herself these day. She has exams coming up and maybe the stress and tipped her over.The more i investigate the more i realize this isn't even an infatuation, but a weird sort of made of dream. He exists, but only as a lad that flirted with her. She says she doesn't love me. She says she needs therapy about her past and then will go to marriage therapy. She want to go to a wedding with me next week and still talks of going on holidays with me, 'just the two of us'


She has exams? I have exam phobia, my brain literally semi-shuts during any exam, so high stress could be one of her problems.

Her words of “She doesn’t love you” contradicts her actions, she’s trying to tell you something but has no idea how to tell you?

She actually said “Just the two of us” If she was a cheater she would want to spend less time with you, not more! Replacing you with the OM.



> I am still confused. I reckon there is more to this. But the more i investigate and find out, the less this mystery man has to do with it. From what i know now, Not all from her mouth, this not an infatuation, but a fantasy. I am listening to her everyday, all the chats are about me not listening.


I think more fantasy now…..
Again you are listening to her but are you asking any questions after she has finished. If you’re only listening and NOT responding than all the chats are about you not listening.



> I don't think she cheated before we moved. I dont think she cheated now. I have investigated things as suggested by person on this thread and come up with a fantasy, not even an infatuation.


From what you’ve said so far, it’s more a fantasy….. 
But where’s it coming from?



> But either way my marriage is on trouble, big trouble.


Agreed, but from what you said of her, doesn’t look like she is cheating…. More like crying out for help and she’s convinced you are NOT listening to her. She’s turned to the tarot cards to predict the future that sounds like a woman not dealing with reality and entering the fantasy world big time.

Every watched James Bond Live and Let Die (film) ? I didn’t know about tarot cards until I saw this film, and just how much of a hold it has on those that believe future telling. I really warps the mind from reality to fantasy and then to reality again.

Here’s some links for you to look at: 

James Bond Live and Let Die (film)
Tarot Cards
Soruce: Wikipeadia.org
Tarot.com

Bloody hell, people really believe this........

Buy/rent the James Bond Live and Let Die film, maybe you could watch it with her. 
In film the James Bonds stacks the cards in his favour to WIN breaking Solitaire's hold on the cards, thus freeing her. Interesting idea!

Regards, FTP


----------



## Toffer

sharko12345 said:


> But i have only evidence of 4 brief meetings in a crowded canteen, *I thought she told you it was one 5 minute cup of coffee? Obviously she's trickle truthing you and lying. *a fantasy in her head and that she doesnt love me. She will still cuddle up to me on the Sofa (like last night). She doesn't not know i know she is using tarot cards. She is spending money on silly readings. I don't know if she knows what she is really doing. It is like she is addicted to tarot cards. She spents loads of money and time on this crap. She has made no attempts to contact this lad apart from asking tarot cards readers if she should.
> 
> *She's in deep. Stop wasting money on counseling. Talk to a lawyer now and start getting your financial ducks in a row.*
> 
> Maybe i am deluding myself. Maybe i am making excuses and it is all over. Maybe she is still contacting this guy. But the evidence suggests she isnt. The evidence suggests confusion and points to something else.


*Real evidence doesn't suggest. It proves. What have you done to investigate her claims? Like others here, I'm willing to bet something is going on or already happened. What time did she get home from that Christmas party?

Also, even if you did neglect her needs for years, how is it that this guy only needed 5 minutes to sweep her off her feet? I'm willing to bet the chase was much longer and she's minimizing EVERYTHING including the type of relation with him*


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## sharko12345

Toffer said:


> *Real evidence doesn't suggest. It proves. What have you done to investigate her claims? Like others here, I'm willing to bet something is going on or already happened. What time did she get home from that Christmas party?
> 
> Also, even if you did neglect her needs for years, how is it that this guy only needed 5 minutes to sweep her off her feet? I'm willing to bet the chase was much longer and she's minimizing EVERYTHING including the type of relation with him*


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sharko12345

Hi all. Thanks for the contribution. Having stealth gained access to all her email and social network accounts, the only evidence i can find is that a guy flirted with her and she liked it. It appears she lived in a fantasy about this guy. He is out of the country since xmas. Has had no contact via phone or email. She says she feels embarressed about the whole incident and can only say she was lonely and felt i never listened. She admits it was desparate stuff and immature. She is going to a shrink next week to seek help. I'm still confused and so is she as to how this fantasy had such an impact. We will go to marriage counselling as well to clear the resentment.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chelle D

Might be because she feels she has lost that intimate connection with you & desperately wants the connection again. If she can't have it with you, she is fantasizing about having an emotional connection with someone else.


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## FlyingThePhoenix

Chelle D said:


> Might be because she feels she has lost that intimate connection with you & desperately wants the connection again. If she can't have it with you, she is fantasizing about having an emotional connection with someone else.


Those are my words too (You beat me to it!), How could you! I'll remember this


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## Wiserforit

sharko12345 said:


> While we were 'talking', i was listening she told a shocking truth about her childhood. I was floored. I mean it was a shocking story about her childhood.


No sense in revealing something so important. That might get you relevant advice. 

The curious thing is why bait us with three statements about how shocking it was, then drop it as if it were totally irrelevant.


----------



## dusty4

sharko12345 said:


> She says she wants freedom and wants to embrace change.


Then you tell an attorney just that. That she simply wants "change" and her kids lives are of secondary concern to her.

Hell, look at it this way, as scary a thought divorce is, believe me I went through it, but you can also get your freedom. I know that isn't probably what you want, but what are your choices?

Stay with a woman you will forever have to worry about who she is smitten with, or have her end up leaving you anyway?

I'd be getting my ducks in a row, and without her knowing, contact an attorney and get the paperwork started. Then hit her with them. And with her bizarre behavior, you might be one of the rare men that can be awarded the role of custodial parent, if you want custody and am able to take them.


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## dusty4

sharko12345 said:


> Hi, thanks for replying.
> 
> She is adamant nothing physical has happened. She says she doesn't even know his surname and has left her workplace already. She is so convincing. I am a nervous wreck over this and want to end our relationship.


Ok, so she is so enamored with a guy that she hasn't slept with and doesn't even know his last name?

You need free of this woman. If thats all it takes, then wait until she is ga ga over a guy she has slept with and does know his name. She is willing to throw it away on a guy she knows nothing about? Then let her. Free yourself and trust me, you will be glad that you did.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

sharko12345 said:


> *So you reckon he has cheated with this guy?* She is adamant she hasn't. She admits an emotional attachment. If we went to counselling would the truth come out??
> 
> I am sure confused. I tried talking with her calmly on Friday and she wasn't as hysterical. But she said she still doesn't love me. My sisters know her well and reckon she has an infatuation and has not acted on it.


My ex h is still adamant that he never cheated. Even though a woman moved in 3 days after I left. He was making moves on a good friend of mine trying to get her to sleep with him. Then I realized how stupid I was and left. It was all around me and I was ignoring the signs. After all we had a brand new child together, but obviously that doesn't matter. I was shocked when all these women came to me(at different times) to tell me they slept with him. I lived in a small town, so I should have known.

Emotional attachment is still cheating. It's called an emotional affair. It's just as bad. Cheaters lie. They will continue to lie and tell you what they think you want to hear. My ex h told our now adult child that he's had 3 affairs on his current wife a while back. It's been 19-20 years since our divorce and he still IS cheating!! I never got anything from counseling. In fact the MC told me that my ex h was never going to change and I should think about divorce. My ex h had a private session with MC. Right after that session is when the counselor told me this. I never once got the truth from my ex. This happened before cell phones and computers/Internet were available. 

I'm so glad I made the decision to leave. I have a wonderful husband now that I fully trust. It took a few years to fully gain his trust though.


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## doubletrouble

I just read your OP and it smells like a workplace affair. My FWW had a workplace affair while we were (really) just friends, and she wouldn't tell me his name. Funny, I knew all the previous guys' names, but not this one. 

Turns out it was her married boss... no wonder she didn't want me to know. I woulda thrashed her thoroughly.


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## sharko12345

The curious thing is why bait us with three statements about how shocking it was, then drop it as if it were totally irrelevant.[/QUOTE]

Well, it is a very bad thing that happened to her. So i'd rather not say on here. All i will say is that she has revealed serious issues that i didn't know existed before, until she told. I don't want to say anything more in relation to that matter. But i would be messed up for along time if it had happened to me.


----------



## sharko12345

Hi all, thanks again for the contributions. I was still suspicious of the wife, so i grilled her for 30 mins about the guy. She broke down and admitted she had given me a false name and told me a lie about him leaving the country. Her 'infatuation' has left her workplace and moved to a another company 15 km away. She eventually told me his name and where he works. She said he had a going away party in the canteen. 

Ok, here is the score. I have gained access to all her online accounts. I have checked her phone everyday for the last 4 weeks. i cannot come up with a shred of evidence she cheated. Apart from her lies about his name and leaving the country.

I know what 'he' looks like, where he works, etc. But i cannot find a connection, apart from work. 

Also i went through her times home from work and it doesn't add up. She doesn't have the time for an affair and she is with the kids and then has her college stuff.

She is refused to concede she had an affair and concedes her infatuation was wrong, but she kept her feelings for him to herself and never contacted him.

She now wants to go to marriage counselling for us and therapy for her past.

AM i just making excuses for her or am i paranoid??? Or am i accusing a mentally ill women who lived a fantasy of having an affair. 

I know it sounds like i am in denial, but there is no evidence of an affair, no evidence of her trying to contact him. No evidence he knows she is infatuated with him.


----------



## FlyingThePhoenix

> Hi all, thanks again for the contributions. I was still suspicious of the wife, so i grilled her for 30 mins about the guy. She broke down and admitted she had given me a false name and told me a lie about him leaving the country. Her 'infatuation' has left her workplace and moved to a another company 15 km away. She eventually told me his name and where he works. She said he had a going away party in the canteen.


*She lied to your face! MAJOR RED FLAG HERE! She has detailed information about her infatuation and BTW, it’s no longer that, it’s much more than that!!!!!!! *



> Ok, here is the score. I have gained access to all her online accounts. I have checked her phone everyday for the last 4 weeks. i cannot come up with a shred of evidence she cheated. Apart from her lies about his name and leaving the country. I know what 'he' looks like, where he works, etc. But i cannot find a connection, apart from work.


*You have OPTIONS here NOW:

1. Approach the OM and confront him about his relationship with your wife in person. Make sure you have VAR hidden on you and record the whole conversation. But calmly GRILL HIM. 

2. If the OM’s story doesn't match up with your wife’s version right now. She lied again, another RED FLAG! .

3. Confront your wife and ask her more questions based on (1).

4. If nothing still adds up, show her the divorce papers, unsigned, and make it clear you are one step away from ending this marriage. She must answer all questions.*



> Also i went through her times home from work and it doesn't add up. She doesn't have the time for an affair and she is with the kids and then has her college stuff.
> 
> She is refused to concede she had an affair and concedes her infatuation was wrong, but she kept her feelings for him to herself and never contacted him.


*Bollocks! Why lie so much if it’s just an infatuation???? She had OM’s new contact details, which means ONLY one thing..... *



> She now wants to go to marriage counselling for us and therapy for her past.


*Interesting that she admits you need marriage counselling so easily, but refuses to admit and omit details of her so called infatuation (office affair I call it…….me thinks!)*



> AM i just making excuses for her or am i paranoid??? Or am i accusing a mentally ill women who lived a fantasy of having an affair.


*No you’re not she’s trying to gain control over your suspicious and attempting to control what you think at this moment, by directing the both to marriage counselling.*



> I know it sounds like i am in denial, but there is no evidence of an affair, no evidence of her trying to contact him. No evidence he knows she is infatuated with him.


*You’ve ONLY gone back a number of weeks? Can you gain access to deleted messages/emails for a longer period? How many mobile phones does she have?*


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## Toffer

OK, my turn!



sharko12345 said:


> Hi all, thanks again for the contributions. I was still suspicious of the wife, so i grilled her for 30 mins about the guy. She broke down and admitted she had given me a false name and told me a lie about him leaving the country. Her 'infatuation' has left her workplace and moved to a another company 15 km away. She eventually told me his name and where he works. She said he had a going away party in the canteen.
> 
> *So, she lied about who he was, where he is and now those chance coffee meetings (and remember the number went from 1 to 4) was now a party! With a track record like this, how could you believe that she didn't sleep with him?*
> 
> Ok, here is the score. I have gained access to all her online accounts. I have checked her phone everyday for the last 4 weeks. i cannot come up with a shred of evidence she cheated.
> 
> *You need to do some reading in the Coping With Infidelity section. There you'll read story after story that involve secret email accounts, burner phones and secondary facebook sites. Unless you've actually used tools like VARs and keyloggers, don't be so sure you know everything she's been up to. Also keep in mind she could be using work email and phones (surprise surprise) because she knows you don't have access to those devices. Also, it's quite possible this WAS a workplace affair and that now that he's moved on, she's missing him and this is the source of her mania.*
> 
> I know what 'he' looks like, where he works, etc. But i cannot find a connection, apart from work.
> 
> *Is he married or have a GF?*
> 
> She now wants to go to marriage counselling for us and therapy for her past. *I'd be willing to bet now that he's moved on, he's told your wife he's no longer interested in her so she's back pedaling. You're Plan B my friend. Sorry.*
> 
> AM i just making excuses for her or am i paranoid??? *You are DEFINITELY making excuses for her poor behavior. How can someone who CONTINUALLY lies to your face be trusted? How much longer must you wait for the complete truth? If I were you, I'd demand she undergo a polygraph before you waste any more money on counseling.*


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## Wiserforit

sharko12345 said:


> Well, it is a very bad thing that happened to her. So i'd rather not say on here. All i will say is that she has revealed serious issues that i didn't know existed before, until she told. I don't want to say anything more in relation to that matter. But i would be messed up for along time if it had happened to me.


"I don't want to say any more", except the three times in this statement right here about how bad it was, how serious her issues are, and how messed up she would be for a long time...

Nobody knows who you are here so it is ridiculous to keep this from people, and the repeated baiting is disengenuous.

It is also disengenuous to pretend to be asking for input when you are keeping what looks to be the most serious personality-formation event from us.

It isn't just her who has issues. She is dishonest, sure. But you are not forthright either. On the one hand you want to pretend that as an anonymous poster you are protecting your anonymous wife from something embarassing being public...

except on the other hand you have started a whole thread about her on the internet and are quite happy to disclose how she is lying and carrying on with this other fellow.

Major disconnect.


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## torani

seems like this horrible thing that happened to her is just a way of distracting you from the issue at hand.... its not relevant to what the real issue is. She is desperate and doesn't want you to leave her. its an excuse she has made up in her mind to try and justify her guilt and the wrong thing she has done. 

You have caught her lying, cheating and now she tells you this horrible thing that happened to her.. Sounds like she wants you to focus on feeling sorry for her rather than the lying and cheating...


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## FlyingThePhoenix

Wiserforit said:


> "I don't want to say any more", except the three times in this statement right here about how bad it was, how serious her issues are, and how messed up she would be for a long time...
> 
> Nobody knows who you are here so it is ridiculous to keep this from people, and the repeated baiting is disengenuous.
> 
> It is also disengenuous to pretend to be asking for input when you are keeping what looks to be the most serious personality-formation event from us.
> 
> It isn't just her who has issues. She is dishonest, sure. But you are not forthright either. On the one hand you want to pretend that as an anonymous poster you are protecting your anonymous wife from something embarassing being public...
> 
> except on the other hand you have started a whole thread about her on the internet and are quite happy to disclose how she is lying and carrying on with this other fellow.
> 
> Major disconnect.





torani said:


> seems like this horrible thing that happened to her is just a way of distracting you from the issue at hand.... its not relevant to what the real issue is. She is desperate and doesn't want you to leave her. its an excuse she has made up in her mind to try and justify her guilt and the wrong thing she has done.
> 
> You have caught her lying, cheating and now she tells you this horrible thing that happened to her.. Sounds like she wants you to focus on feeling sorry for her rather than the lying and cheating...


I already asked this question as well, in my post#69. Just realised you didn't share anything with us. Looks like Wiserforit and torani picked this up! Nice!



> Quote:
> While we were 'talking', i was listening she told a shocking truth about her childhood. I was floored. I mean it was a shocking story about her childhood.
> 
> 
> 
> You didn't ask any questions when she was done talking. Can you share more details about her childhood? Are you talking about abuse?
Click to expand...

You don't need tell us exact details, but some details would help in answering your questions about her state at this time. You mentioned the Taro cards, well, to be honest I don't believe she is that obsessed with them now, she just good at misdirecting you and you seem to fall for it.


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## Wiserforit

When someone keeps from others some major horrible event, it can become a fundamental aspect of their personality to live with a mask.

Whatever words are coming out of their mouth are designed to manage impressions, not a window into who they actually are. They learn the black art of covert aggression - how to fight dirty while pretending otherwise - most especially when the person who harmed them is a close family member or friend. 

I have little patience for the pretense of wanting to solve a problem, but leaving out what the problem actually is. Generally manipulation is involved with it, like guilt-tripping people as the OP is doing. Oh, it's just too horrible to reveal so please don't make me tell what it is... but it is terrible, I tell you, just awful, a life-changing event that would explain why she is screwed up.


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## Toffer

Ok folks, while you guys may be right about whatever this deep, dark secret is, let's try to help the guy as best as possible with the information he gives.

Sharko, I have to agree that past childhood drama or abuse of any kind could cause some damage but it can't be used as a crutch to explain away her behavior.

It's obvious that she knows what she did was wrong at the time, evidenced by her attempts to hide and minimize her actions.

She obviously felt a disconnect with you and she started to explore options outside the marriage only to realize that her other option was not going to work out hence her offer to now do the counseling act.

That being said, I do agree that if you truly want some help, you need to be as open and honest here as possible so that posters can give you the best advice.

I truly hope you'll consider this before posting more.


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## Chelle D

I still say.. give her a chance. Do the couples therapy... find out why she is craving such an emotional connection. See if you can fill this void in her life for her.

It's at least worth a shot, isn't it?

Whats the worst.... you waste 3-6 months trying to get your wife to love you again & to be open & honest with you?

Or do you skip the 3-6 months and condemn her as a liar & start some divorce proceedings now... as many of these posters say?


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## FlyingThePhoenix

Hello Sharko,

Can you answer these questions for me please.

*Q.* When did you marry her?

*Q.* How many brothers, sisters does she still have?

*Q.* Do you remember how you first met her and what you did to win her heart, and are you that same person now?


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## sharko12345

Just back form marriage counselling. What an utter disaster. I thought it was supposed to calm things down. A big row ensued and the counsellor said we are going to be a hard nut to crack if at all possible. The wife stormed off at the end and said I was an angry man. Does counselling ever work?


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## tulsy

sharko12345 said:


> Just back form marriage counselling. What an utter disaster. I thought it was supposed to calm things down. A big row ensued and the counsellor said we are going to be a hard nut to crack if at all possible. The wife stormed off at the end and said I was an angry man. Does counselling ever work?


Yes, it can work.... when both parties want to save the marriage.


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## Wiserforit

sharko12345 said:


> Just back form marriage counselling. What an utter disaster. I thought it was supposed to calm things down. A big row ensued and the counsellor said we are going to be a hard nut to crack if at all possible. The wife stormed off at the end and said I was an angry man. Does counselling ever work?


Not surprising. 

You don't answer questions people ask, nor tell the full story so combined with the wife's behavior there isn't much chance of honest interaction occurring.


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## norajane

sharko12345 said:


> Just back form marriage counselling. What an utter disaster. I thought it was supposed to calm things down. A big row ensued and the counsellor said we are going to be a hard nut to crack if at all possible. The wife stormed off at the end and said I was an angry man. Does counselling ever work?


I would think that a wife who tells her husband about an infatuation is a wife who is crying for help - she's essentially telling you that your marriage is in trouble as she's become susceptible to forming attractions to other men that she can't quite shake. 

If all you're doing is focusing on how terrible she is for having developed a crush on someone in MC, instead of on WHY and WHAT circumstances in your relationship together are making your marriage vulnerable to outsiders, then you'll be talking at cross-purposes. It's understandable that you'd be angry or upset that she developed a crush, but the crush is a symptom of a relationship that isn't working well, not the primary problem.

Do both of you want to improve your marriage? If so, then you need to get all the resentments and hurts out on the table honestly in order to face them and resolve them. Getting that buried stuff out on the table will indeed be painful before it gets better.


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## FlyingThePhoenix

Hello Sharko,



Wiserforit said:


> Not surprising.
> 
> You don't answer questions people ask, nor tell the full story so combined with the wife's behavior there isn't much chance of honest interaction occurring.


*See what I mean, "Wiseforit" and other tamers are waiting for you, they WANT TO HELP!!!!!!!*



sharko12345 said:


> Just back form marriage counselling. What an utter disaster. I thought it was supposed to calm things down. A big row ensued and the counsellor said we are going to be a hard nut to crack if at all possible. The wife stormed off at the end and said I was an angry man. Does counselling ever work?


*Remember a coin has two sides and you've ONLY giving the tamers one side of the story. There are some pretty smart people here. Think about this you have to PAY BIG MONEY FOR IC AND MC right? It's FREE here! Your wife gave you the other side of the story, which you PM'ed me, what have YOU got to loose? *


*Come on....*


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