# The most inconvenient time to decide on divorce?



## t10eml (Nov 30, 2012)

I had become increasingly distant from my wife as I continued to ponder what to do with my marriage. See here. Of course, she had sensed this.

We had already decided to split twice in the last couple of months but for whatever reason, the wave of emotions brought us together again only for us to continue being unhappy and in a state of ambivalence.

Went out for dinner with her last evening. Something innocuous happened, triggered a temper from her and she made a scene completely out of proportion to the event. I felt upset and embarrassed. This wasn't something new. She's always had trouble containing her temper whenever someone does something to unintentionally push her buttons. Over the years, after much begging and pleading, I had hoped she would change her ways but I guess she'll never change. This time, rather than begging her not to make a scene, I just gave up, stood back and watched almost helplessly like I almost didn't care anymore. I don't know if I was just seeking for validation that leaving would be the right decision but I felt like I'd had enough.

At home, I pretended like the incident never happened. I was civil/friendly with her. Even had a little laugh or two. Then from out of the blue, she complains about the same things she's always complained about for months/years. One argument leads to another and she tells me point blank that our marriage is over. I know she's hurting, my instinct is to comfort her but a part of me knows it's probably for the best if we do get divorced. I can't tell her everything is or will be alright when it isn't. I remain distant as much as it kills me.

I can't really see how our marriage can recover from this. This is the third time we've decided on a divorce, so who knows. Maybe we'll stupidly be too afraid of losing each other again and decide to give it one more try. I hope not though. Yes, it hurts. But if it's for the best (for both of us), maybe the pain will be worth it.

Unfortunately, this could well be the worst possible time to have made a decision on a divorce. Her mother is visiting us for a week tomorrow. And with Christmas coming, my whole family will be here. I don't know how we're going to get through this pretending like everything is fine. I'm thinking of asking her to spend Christmas away with her family while I spend it with mine so that I can break the news to my family. How do I get through this awkward phase?


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## jtec040812 (Dec 5, 2012)

Time is the only thing that can help you. I would drive and listen to music the times when my husband have been awkward trial separations. They are very hard, it sucks and the not knowing and the questions that run through your head suck. But only time can help you right now. I feel for you and hope that things get better soon. Just let her be. Silence can heal and it can help you have a better perspective of your relationship. It sounds like she can get quite explosive. You have to ask yourself if that is something your really okay with dealing with forever?


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

> I don't know how we're going to get through this pretending like everything is fine. I'm thinking of asking her to spend Christmas away with her family while I spend it with mine so that I can break the news to my family.


I LIKE this idea.

I've never agreed with 'wait until the holidays are over so they're not ruined'. The holidays are going to be 'ruined' anyway; you're getting a divorce! Acting like everything is FINE around the family will be perceived as you two having LIED to them, made a sham/mockery of the family spirit of the holidays. Since you will want YOUR family to support you EMOTIONALLY during this upcoming difficult time (as she will want HERS to do for her), then BE HONEST with them and let them know a divorce is upcoming in 2013.

Being HONEST and open with them will HELP THEM to help you both through the rough patches.


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## t10eml (Nov 30, 2012)

Ok, so the wife has agreed to a divorce. For some reason, she says she wants to leave after Christmas.

Her family live a few hours away and that's where she plans to head. I think this is a good idea as she loves her family and they love her unconditionally and she always seems to be happy around them. I think they are well aware of her issues (BPD) but they sneakily chose not to reveal this to me before our marriage, probably hoping I would be a masochist enough to take her abuse, which I was for 10 years.

After thinking about it for a moment, I thought, well she's going to leave this place forever, maybe at least give her some time to gather her thoughts, pack her things, say her goodbyes, etc.

But today, she's been acting downright cold. Understandable, I guess. Divorce is not easy on anyone.

But if she's this unhappy (again, I understand), why does she want to continue making life uncomfortable for both of us by staying past Christmas.

I think I need to tell her if she's this unhappy (which I understand), it would probably be best if she left before Christmas to spend with her family. And I would probably have a much happier Christmas with mine without her around.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

I'm sorry, do you have children? If not then why wait? Why continue to live in this misery.
My H moved out 3 weeks before Xmas last year. Different circumstAnces, but it got to the point where he had to go. It was devastating. We have children so amazingly we hid it from my youngest, but we spent the holidays together anyway and had a good Xmas. So it can be done!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## t10eml (Nov 30, 2012)

daisygirl 41 said:


> I'm sorry, do you have children? If not then why wait? Why continue to live in this misery.
> My H moved out 3 weeks before Xmas last year. Different circumstAnces, but it got to the point where he had to go. It was devastating. We have children so amazingly we hid it from my youngest, but we spent the holidays together anyway and had a good Xmas. So it can be done!


No, I don't. She has fertility health issues. While devastating at the time, I now consider it to almost be a blessing in disguise. I would hate for our kids to have to witness what a monster their mother can be at times (especially to their dad who just puts with all her crap).

I think I need to talk some sense into her that it's probably best if she goes sooner. I just hope she understands.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

It sounds like she had a supportive family so that's a good thing.
Remember, she is the one who has mentioned divorce 3 times lately (if I recall correctly) maybe she just wants you to make the final push? Hard I know, but it sounds like it would be for the best!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

> I think they are well aware of her issues (BPD) but they sneakily chose not to reveal this to me before our marriage, probably hoping I would be a masochist enough to take her abuse, which I was for 10 years.


Understandable you feel this way, but the reality is: YOU WOULDN'T HAVE LISTENED; YOU WERE 'IN LOVE'. I have an uncle who married a woman with a real mental disorder. His future FIL tried to warn him/dissuade him from marrying her, but he married her anyway. They had a LOT of fights, a lot of tension in their house. Love is blind. Young love is blind and stubborn...it's got a lot to PROVE!

I know you said YOUR family was coming for Christmas. Do they live nearby and someone ELSE could host Christmas this year, or are they travelling a long way to be at your house?

She is cold and things are understandably STRESSED right now, but Christmas is WEEKS away. Things may very well have relaxed to a more tolerable level by the time the holidays arrive. Try to let as much slide as possible, you won't have to do it for long and then you can move on with your life. If you NEED to, come here to VENT regularly so your house has less tension with the holidays and the extended families in to visit. (Be sure to put "Just Venting" in your title.) We're HAPPY to listen (and pass the eggnog!)


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## t10eml (Nov 30, 2012)

SlowlyGettingWiser, are you saying I should let her stay for Christmas despite all the tension?



SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> I know you said YOUR family was coming for Christmas. Do they live nearby and someone ELSE could host Christmas this year, or are they travelling a long way to be at your house?


Most of them are coming from interstate. I have a brother who lives in the same state, we could host it there I suppose but my family probably wants it at my place since I live in a more hospitable and more family-oriented area. I have no idea what my wife is going to be like if she stays during this period. She has already threatened to act like a *****. But it could be more a case of "I didn't mean it". *sigh*


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

If she has threatened to act like a be-yotch, then HAVE YOUR brother host for this year. No use in EVERYONE's Xmas being ruined because she wants to be hostile. If this is the 3rd time you're discussing it, you'd think she'd be more accepting of the reality of your situation. Sheesh!


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

t10eml said:


> I have no idea what my wife is going to be like if she stays during this period. She has already threatened to act like a *****. But it could be more a case of "I didn't mean it". *sigh*


You know, that's the first thing I thought when you said before that she wanted to leave _after_ Christmas. 

Get a snoot-full and tell your family what she *really* thinks about them ,lol.


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