# Need help leaving husband



## Rubituesday (Dec 8, 2014)

Hi guys,
Well, third time on TAM is a charm, right? Here I am. I have thought about & tried to leave my husband multiple times, only to come back to the comfortable life he provides. He is a depressed, angry & negative person, and I am an optimistic, fun & joyous person - we just don't mesh. On average, over the past 9 years with him, we get into a rather heated fight at least once per week. Sure there were some good stretches, and then there were some weeks where we'd fight every day. But I've come to the conclusion that getting stressed out one day per week by the person who should love me most is not worth it, its dragging my life down. 

I've definitely communicated this to him since 2010, that we need to work on our relationship or its going to go down the gutter. I left 6 months ago for 10 days and he showed the most improvement that I've ever seen - he wanted to go to counseling, he was happy, he played with the kids, he went out of his way to be sweet to me, we were happy. For one month. Now he is back to being worse than ever - talking down to me and picking fights over things that another person might not even notice or think to say anything about. 

We are 28, been together 9 years, and have 2 small children whom my life revolves around. I don't want them to grow up seeing him treat me like this and also for him to basically be a shadow of a father. 

HOWEVER, he is not abusive and life is considerably more easy with him in the picture, so it will be VERY HARD for me to leave him permanently and do it all on my own. 

I desperately need words of encouragement from folks who have gone through this, or think they might have some insight. Maybe some people who would be willing to be an e-pen-pal for awhile? 
Thanks so much,
JB


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

What is it that you two fight about?

Why do you fight? Have you tried just not engaging in the fights?


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## SARAHMCD (Jul 2, 2014)

Sorry to hear you are going through this. Are you still going to counselling - separately or together? Or did that only last a month as well? What kind of suggestions did they give you to deal with his negativity and anger?
I don't think 10 days was enough for him to truly prove he was willing to change for the long haul. So you moving back so easily meant he could let go of the show....you weren't seriously going to leave him. But I understand- I'm sure he was saying and doing everything you had wanted him to for years. I'm assuming due to your age and how long you have been together, you've never been on our own. That is a scary concept. But it is not impossible. And the fear of it is probably making you stay and put up with bad behaviour. 
BTW - talking down to you is abusive. You say he is not- I'm assuming you mean physically. But remember, your children do see how he treats you and they are a witness to your fights. This will affect them. 
Is he willing to go back to counselling? Does he understand at all that he's gone back to his old behaviour?


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

I've always believed in opposites attract. If you're too alike it can be fun in the short run but there is no balance in the long run. Marriage requires give and take. There are going to be disagreements. Some people don't know how to express themselves well and lash out in frustration. 

It will help if you gave some examples of what you're fighting about and how husband dealt with it. I hate to encourage divorce especially with kids involved. You mentioned that he was "trying " before. Remember it takes both parties to make strong marriage.


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## Rubituesday (Dec 8, 2014)

Thanks so much for the quick replies. I'm in a fragile state and really need the support or at least comfort. 

Most of the time, our fights are him finding fault with something that I've done (mistakenly or accidentally) around the house or whatever and then lecturing or talking down to me about it like I'm a complete idiot for doing it. Its hard to think of specifics, and these fights are going to sound juvenile and simple, but its just the way he talks to me with complete disrespect like he couldn't give two s*its about my feelings.Yesterday it was that I cut salad from the garden hastily & not "perfectly" and he got really mad, lectured me about it as if I were his daughter, and then ignored me for hours after that, thrashing about all angry-like. Then, he found out that I paid my mom back the $200 that we owed her (which we told her we'd pay back when he got paid, which was last Thursday) and he chewed me out saying "Oh, thanks for not asking me about that" in a super demeaning voice. I said "we said we'd pay her back when you got paid, so I did it!" and he said "Maybe we could have paid her $50 here and there, what if we need that money!". Well, I am in charge of all the bills & he doesn't even know or care how to log into our bank account, I'm the one that knows if we've got money to spare or not. Also, he never pays attention when I tell him "We have to pay for this with your next check" or anything important, until the day comes, and then all of a sudden he never even knew about it and no, we will not be paying for that/going to that event. He has an impossible time planning for the future, even weeks in advance. 

Anyhow, you see, he's not like overly aggressive, he just talks to me like I'm an idiot and gets angry about it for the rest of the day, and anything else he can think of to get mad about gets blown out of proportion because he's already mad. It offends me to the point that I cannot just keep my mouth shut & avoid the fight. I feel like I need to stand up for myself and say "Hey, this is not how you talk to your wife!". Also, whenever my family is involved, he never wants to pay them back. We owe my sister $500 because he is refusing to pay her back, though we could definitely afford it, at least in increments. When its his family or friends though, they are top priority. Things like this, all the time, that make me think he doesn't give two ****s about me or my family. 

Honestly, though, we fight so often about such ridiculous stuff that I don't remember what 95% of the fights were about. Last time I left him for that 10 days, I had finally had enough when he packed up my self-started herbal business into a box because he "needed the room more" and then when I asked him if he could haul the giant box into another room so that I could set up a corner for myself in there (after asking 10 times, over the course of weeks), he finally did it one day, and brought the box in and threw it across the floor at me and said something to the effect of "here's your f*ucking box", which was my self started business! All because he thought we didn't need more "stuff" cluttering that room! Just s*it like that constantly. I deal and I deal and finally I hit a breaking point. 

No, he went to one counseling session which I thought was a friggin miracle, and then he stopped going. I've asked him many times to start back up and he just brushes it off, he has no intention of it. I'm not sure if he really realizes that he has a behavior problem, I think he thinks that if I just did things the way he likes them then he wouldn't have to get upset. I think he is depressed in the non-traditional sense. 

Yes, this will be basically my first time on my own. Well, sort of. What really makes it hard is that I have to go stay with my parents - I have zero money. They are great, but I'm 28 and living with your parents is suffocating. I will find a job & a daycare & move out, but who knows how long. I think living with them was most of the reason that I went back so quickly last time - their house is the pitts & our house has everything I want/need plus air to breathe. 

I've tried pretty hard to help him "get better" or whatever he needs. When I left last time, I went to counseling on my own for 2 months to try to fix things. I'm always buying relationship books, trying to think of ideas to get us to "happy", giving him natural anti-depressant supplements, trying to get him into a hobby or out with his friends to help him be happy. He is a very lazy & selfish person & has no interest in doing any of these things. If it were up to him, he'd live like this forever, he doesn't realize he's unhappy and I give him everything he wants, so why change anything?

It sucks, I love him and I want him to be my husband, but not like this. My kids & I deserve better and I only have 75 years left if that, I'm not going to spend it with an old grouch just because that's what he wants me to do.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If you want to leave, why don't you start looking for a job now before you leave.

If you file for divorce, he will have to pay you spousal support and child support until the divorce is done. Depending on your state, he will be paying you child support and maybe spousal support for some period of time.

But if you want to stay.. there are things you can do.

His out bursts are a form of emotional abuse. He's picking on you to maintain his control. 

I think it would help you if you were to get into counseling at an organization that helps victims of emotional abuse. They will have a lot of ideas on how to stop the verbal abuse.

You are also part of the problem. When you fight/argue back you are feeding the dragon. Stop it. Has fighting with him helped things, nope?

When starts going at you, just tell him "Stop. Do not talk to me like that. It's your problem not mine." and walk away. He cannot continue until you are there to be his audience. 

You have control over whether or not you allow him to talk to you like that.


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## Rubituesday (Dec 8, 2014)

Yes, I can see that I am probably feeding the dragon. However, I went for so many years being the mediator & trying to solve the issues instead of just arguing back. I'm just at the end of my rope, ya know? 

I just can't stay. I know that if I stay it will be hard to leave again. Its hard to leave when there isn't a reason such as cheating or physical abuse, and I want to leave now when I've got the courage to do it. 

I hope that we can remain friends in some sort of sense and co-parent peacefully. I honestly feel bad asking him for money. I do think he will offer to give me some for the kids, and I would take some for the kids. But I would never drive it to be a question of spousal or child support. His income barely pays the bills, and he'll still have all the same bills minus our food, my gas & cell. I feel like I need to be independent & pay for those things on my own. I would consider it had we been wealthy and my lifestyle was too expensive for me to maintain on my own, but that is just not the case, we are rather poor and I think I can swing being poor on my own. 

I thank you for your input & understand where you're coming from. For me, staying is just not an option.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Well if you're determined to divorce, then you need to get self sufficient. Being a single mom is tough and it sounds that even after the courts award you most of your husbands earnings you'll still be tight.


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## Jane139 (Jan 6, 2015)

He IS abusive, if he talks down to you, picks fights, etc...just not physically so far. But if he is such an angry person, that could happen.


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## Rubituesday (Dec 8, 2014)

Yes, which is why I'd really like to talk to some women who have successfully gone through this situation for the better. I guess he is abusive, but I don't think he realizes that he's doing it to put me down or gain control, I think it's a subconscious thing that's imbedded in him. I feel weird saying he's abusive when I know he doesn't intend to hurt me.


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## Jane139 (Jan 6, 2015)

Have you tried recent counseling? Does he know that he makes you so unhappy all of the time, or at least keep you on edge? If he just is the way he is...there may not be much hope. It depends how willing he is to make a lot of changes, but he would have to relearn how to respond, how to check his temper etc...not everyone can make personality changes as an adult.


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## Rubituesday (Dec 8, 2014)

I do think that that is the situation that we're in-he just is that way. I've tried to get him to counseling but he's not too into it and I don't want to make him do it. I feel like if he isn't going to work to keep us happy, then why should I keep pushing? I'm tired of being the one trying to fix us, with him just lazily saying "yeah" and "okay" as required.


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

Serve him with D papers, drawn up by an attorney. You don't have to follow through with it, but it might be the wake-up call he needs to change.

If he doesn't change, follow through with the D. As you've said, this is no way to live the rest of your life, and it's damaging to your children.

Would you want your daughter to stay married to a guy like him?


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## Rubituesday (Dec 8, 2014)

Well, it's only been 12 days but I'm holding strong by imagining a new bright future without him and a mundane if not miserable one with him. 

No, I would never want my daughter to marry a man like him, and I'd never want my son to treat women like he does. It's sad that my father wants me to go back to him for the family's sake. Perhaps he's the reason why I always choose men who are not meant for me. 

It is so so so hard to leave someone that still loves you and doesn't want you to leave. He's falling apart without me, back to smoking and drinking, probably partying to keep his mind off things. I don't want him to become a wreck, but it's not making me want to go back, that's for sure.

As of now, we're still friends and can hang out with the kids together and have a good time. However I'm dreading the day when he realizes that I'm not coming back, and that I'll eventually date other people. I'm assuming he's going to become bitter and mean. Hopefully he finds a girlfriend first, that may buffer things. 

Thanks for letting me "dear diary" you all. 
JD


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Rubituesday said:


> Well, it's only been 12 days but I'm holding strong by imagining a new bright future without him and a mundane if not miserable one with him.
> 
> No, I would never want my daughter to marry a man like him, and I'd never want my son to treat women like he does. It's sad that my father wants me to go back to him for the family's sake. Perhaps he's the reason why I always choose men who are not meant for me.
> 
> ...


He isnt falling apart, he is doing what he wants. He probably isn't taking your leaving serious right now. You did before and went back. He is figuring it will happen again, you will come back. 

What you view as his "unhappy state" is his normal. He probably grew up in an environment much like your family life with him now. He needs to learn a new way, all you can do is hold him accountable for his actions. He needs to believe you are serious about divorce or he will never change.


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

Have you taken any legal steps? At least a consultation to learn the D laws of your State?

Do you know how much child support/alimony you will get?

Have you started thinking about, or looking for, a job that would allow you to still devote time to your children?

Have you definitively eliminated going back to him as your 'back-up plan' ? Or are you just venting and hoping he will change?


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## Rubituesday (Dec 8, 2014)

Hi guys,

Thanks for the feedback. Its really encouraging just to hear input from people who have experienced this kind of stuff...nobody else around me has, and they don't really know what to say to me. 

So, first things first, going back to him in completely out of the question. I know without a doubt that he will never change, so I'm holding zero hope that he will. If he were to change in a year, it would be far too late for me to ever go back. 

I have looked into the D papers & whatnot, as well as alimony/child support. He has said multiple times that he will give me whatever we need, to not worry about money, so that is nice. I don't expect much, just for the kids stuff & food, maybe some extra for me being the daytime babysitter too. I've found 2 jobs that would make it so that I could spend maximum time with the kids. 

I carefully pulled dissected my failed separation of 6 months ago, and I found that my mistake was to rush into getting my own job/apartment etc right away, and that scared the **** out of me - from going to never being alone in my entire life to being completely alone and self reliant without a buffer period - so I ran back to him out of fear of the unknown. I have devised a plan this time to ensure that I have no feelings of needing to be with him out of comfort or financial security. I am staying in my parent's little MIL unit & am just taking things one day at a time. Not rushing into anything, just working on learning how to be alone and enjoy my time. And also grieving the life that I thought I had. I think its best to get a good grip on myself here before I go venture into the big world. And venture I definitely intend to do, when the time is right. 

Today I totally broke down though, pissed at him for letting us fall apart and doing nothing about it, and pissed that he's now just strolling along, doing his thing, being a single kid-less dude for the most part. Like I said, reconciliation is not an option, but I am also so pissed that he is just letting me leave without a word about it. Just "I respect your decision and I'll help you in any way I can"...basically confirming to me that he never really gave much of a **** to fix us and would rather just let me go than try and do anything about it. Maybe, like you said, he still thinks I'm coming back. I left my wedding ring there this time though, and I do plan to send him D papers soon, I just don't want it to be a ***** move, like "Here's the D papers *******"...I want to let the dust settle and after he comes to terms with the permanence of the situation then sort of nudge them in his direction. I truly care for this man. I love him and I would have spent the rest of my life with him, had he been capable of loving me like I need. 

K...thanks for letting me vent. 
JD


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## ToothFairy (May 19, 2013)

Co Dependent much?


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## Blaine (Jul 23, 2015)

Hi Rubituesday He is abusive but you really need him evaluated by a Dr to find out if there is a reason or if he is just a controlling ass. Once you know that may help you make ur decision. And yes going back after on 10 days did let him off the hook. Whatever you do you need to prepare now like you are going to leave because you need to be self sufficient. If you are going to have a successful relationship in the future you will probably have to become the "policeman" of the relationship. Please be careful I understand he has not shown any physical abuse but sometimes it can be like flipping a switch. Good luck


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## Rubituesday (Dec 8, 2014)

ToothFairy said:


> Co Dependent much?


Yeah, thanks for that little gem of advice, super helpful for someone going through a hard life change. But yes, obviously I am, and I came here to get some insight from folks who might know how to reverse that. Ideally without judgement, but I guess that's what happens on the internet. 

I think I lived on my own for less than a year before moving in with SBXH, but that too was with roomates. I've been with him for 9 years, and now I'm trying to learn how to not crave the company of someone else and at the same time be a good mother. 

It's very hard for me to be by myself. I'm sure this is a common issue, but an issue nonetheless. I don't know how to start to fix my codependency problem - do I just force myself to be alone until I'm finally comfortable with it? 

Its very hard not to go back to him when there was no one defining horrible thing that he did. After awhile you either start to forget how miserable you were, or you think maybe they can change after all, or you just go back anyway because it at least seems better than being alone. I'm determined to avoid all of those scenarios, but I don't know how. Part of my codependency problem? 

I've considered joining a support group as suggested by a friend, but isn't that more co-dependency on others to help solve my problems? 

Aren't there some folks on here who have successfully intentionally left a toxic relationship and made it out for the better? Advice would be a bright light for me right now. 
Thanks.


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## ToothFairy (May 19, 2013)

Yes.. Me. You just need to realize that you are worth something and deserve happiness and to be treated well. It literally is as simple as making a decision. No, it's not co-dependent to join a support group because it benefits YOU and not your abusive husband. I am sorry to have been so blunt, I get frustrated reading some of the stories that go on and on and people never take the steps they need to go after the life they want. 
Best of luck to you...xoxo


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## Rubituesday (Dec 8, 2014)

Thanks... Sorry also, I was having a hard night/morning and was probably way too sensitive about a forum comment. You are right though. I'm trying to prevent being that person that I've been for who knows how long, dreaming of leaving him but never really doing anything to make that a possibility. I think that I need to surround myself with activity to get through this initial first stage, but it's hard with kids, and then when I am out doing things I feel kind of guilty, like I need to be with them 24/7 because that's the norm for us. 

I know I just need to do some things strictly for myself. I'm used to doing everything for my family and then I am an afterthought. 

I wonder about giving him the divorce papers and selling my ring. I want to do that for me, to make this more solid for both of us, but I don't want to be too harsh so soon. I truly care for this idiot and want him to be happy, but I also want to be clear about my intentions, and at this point, verbalizing probably isn't very serious to him anymore. 

I feel like I'm jumping into a black hole. Like, here I go, I have no idea what lies ahead, and I'm all alone, but hopefully it works out! Scary as ****.


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## Blaine (Jul 23, 2015)

Rubi take it one step at a time and yes you will have times when you are scared s***less. That is just u pushing ur boundaries and learning to walk on ur own 2 feet. A word of advice, I'm sure you will have lots of guys wanting to take you out, try to hold off as long as possible. Yes it will make you walk on ur own for a while longer but just in case you dont want him thinking you left for another man or just so you could start dating. He might start treating you differently. So be careful but have faith in urself


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