# Did I made a mistake?



## lucyruiz1875 (6 mo ago)

Hi everyone. I was in an abusive relationship with the father of my son. Im 24 and he is now 39. When the baby was born, a month in came the big fight and I left him so my child was safe.

I thought I did good and my boy is 4 years old now, visiting right now his grandparents to see his dad too. But I was feeling alone always, raising him alone, and enduring his fathers intakes.

Yesterday I finally met with a man that Ive been talking to for about two months, and I already liked him by phone. He is 36 and yeah hes older too, but I simply dont get along with man my age, or they are too immature... Either way, its not like Im selecting, Im just not closing any door to older people than me just because theyre too older than me.

The date went great, he visited me in my town, we grabbed a beer and talked in a park for hours. Then heat came, we were sweating (we have a heat wave pretty intense right now) so I said hey, lets go to my house since I have a patio and theres shadow, and we can grab another beer.

We were talking, we kissed, and we had sex unwillingly at first because he was saying no, that I he didnt want me to think he only wants that. I was saying that I dont have sex in the first dates ever, too. But we were too horny and, it happened, and I liked it so much, he enjoyed too, treated me so well and then we dressed and kept talking about anything. My son obviously wasnt home, okay?

So I submitted this to a mom forum and I almost got murderer. Why Im obsessed with older men. Get men my age. That I should be careful who I present my child to(My child wasnt even there). Im choosing abusive patterns by choosing an older man and or having sex in the first date. Suddenly all is about me as a mother and not me ME, the woman who hasnt been touched in four years properly, and never ever liked any guy since my sons father, really now Im just crying feeling like a crap mother or a crap person... He talked to me when he came home, he said please dont block me after this, he is afraid of the same things as me because we have sex, but Im the bad mother for getting another beer in my house(here in Spain is very much usual to have people over to your house the first time, even much with this heat)... I dont think I am choosing anyone abusive since I didnt ''choose'' my abusive ex either, he was always sweet not jealous not controlling of clothes or cleaning or anything and after half a year or so he started doing this kind of behaviour...

Is it really so bad I ''like'' older man and I had sex on my first date?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

For safety reasons I wouldn't go to a home alone with a guy the first time we met. Or even the second or third. 
I was watching a sad documentry this week about a British girl in NZ who went back to the hotel room of a NZ guy she met on line and he murdered her. It was the first time they met too. 
We have to be careful. You have a child to think of so don't put yourself at risk.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

lucyruiz1875 said:


> Hi everyone. I was in an abusive relationship with the father of my son. Im 24 and he is now 39. When the baby was born, a month in came the big fight and I left him so my child was safe.
> I thought I did good and my boy is 4 years old now, visiting right now his grandparents to see his dad too. But I was feeling alone always, raising him alone, and enduring his fathers intakes.
> Yesterday I finally met with a man that Ive been talking to for about two months, and I already liked him by phone. He is 36 and yeah hes older too, but I simply dont get along with man my age, or they are too immature... Either way, its not like Im selecting, Im just not closing any door to older people than me just because theyre too older than me.
> The date went great, he visited me in my town, we grabbed a beer and talked in a park for hours. Then heat came, we were sweating (we have a heat wave pretty intense right now) so I said hey, lets go to my house since I have a patio and theres shadow, and we can grab another beer.
> ...


No, it isn't bad. The age thing is definitely irrelevant.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> For safety reasons I wouldn't go to a home alone with a guy the first time we met. Or even the second or third.


This, this is where you failed. You just can't do that. regardless of how nice the man turns up to be you put yourself at risk. What were you thinking? 

Forget about all the noise in the other forum, you just take it one day at the time with the man until you two know where you stand. Have your boundaries well delineated, and the moment you see them being broken...GOODBYE and NEXT.


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## lucyruiz1875 (6 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> For safety reasons I wouldn't go to a home alone with a guy the first time we met. Or even the second or third.
> I was watching a sad documentry this week about a British girl in NZ who went back to the hotel room of a NZ guy she met on line and he murdered her. It was the first time they met too.
> We have to be careful. You have a child to think of so don't put yourself at risk.


Yeah.. I screwed up there and forgot about I didnt know him that well... I guess I wont make the same mistake again


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## lucyruiz1875 (6 mo ago)

Rob_1 said:


> This, this is where you failed. You just can't do that. regardless of how nice the man turns up to be you put yourself at risk. What were you thinking?
> 
> Forget about all the noise in the other forum, you just take it one day at the time with the man until you two know where you stand. Have your boundaries well delineated, and the moment you see them being broken...GOODBYE and NEXT.


Yeah, youre right... And about boundaries I had therapy and im still going to check on my mental health so my boundaries are very very strong now, and I can see red flags from far away. But yeah regardless of the situation inviting him to my house was very stupid


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## lucyruiz1875 (6 mo ago)

uwe.blab said:


> No, it isn't bad. The age thing is definitely irrelevant.


Well I think so too, I dont think a man that wants to be with a younger girl is automatically trying to manipulate her or be abusive to her...


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

first I would say about the age thing BETTER to be a old mans darling than a young mans slave , my mother was 9 years younger than my father and they worked out a good match , 
sex on the first date well it has happened so you can't take it back , it does not make you a bad person , and you have in ways got to know each other for a few weeks on phone so in a way it was not like you bumped into him at a bar and brought him home for drinks and I know the heat we have been having the last few weeks all so so it is good to find a place to get out of it 

don't beat yourself up over things you can not change , as long as you have more in common than just sex and you are honest to yourself and to each other


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

If a guy has sex on the first date, it's essentially a signal to the other person that all they care about is sex, even if that's not necessarily the case. And if it is the case, having sex on the first date can send mixed messages to the other person.

"I’ve been on dates before where I turned down sex on the first date, despite being attracted to the other person,So yes men can turn it down . 
"I am not sorry now I turned her down , 
But then when I first found my wife I played the game of not going in for the drink the first few dates , not given her a kiss at the door and waiting for her to make the first move , because I did not want to make her feel that I was been too care free or something like that , but what I did not know was , but SHE told me later , when I would walk her to the door the first nights she was expecting me to make a move and in a way getting ready to stop me when I did not make that move it sent her signals that I was not interested in her and in a way played on her mind the first few dates , 

she was thinking what is wrong with her that I was not wanting to give her that kiss , so when we are only getting to know others we don't know how they are thinking about every thing 

LIKE SOME people think 3 date rule which is kind of a game and an exception , now we got the 3 dates over so we must , it becomes no different that sex on first date 
MANY MEN THINK ALONG THE LINES of after the 3 date when we are getting ready for the date we put on our sexy boxers and expect to get pay back for the dinners we bought her , lol but it is a catch or a test if the girl gives in to his advances he thinks she gives into all the guys much the same as the guy that gets sex on a first date can look down on the woman , if she does not he thinks she is playing hard to get ,


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

One thing you should learn with maturity is to think thru all scenarios and possible outcomes and consequences. Bringing a strange guy home for sex? Lot's of possibly bad endings to that, but let's move on.

Sex first thing in a relationship can blind you to reality. Once you become intimate with someone you bond but not always in healthy ways, it's way to easy to ignore red flags when you are in a fog of lust. The smart thing would be to take a few steps back and get better acquainted, and I mean in person, not more internet chatting.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Cooper said:


> One thing you should learn with maturity is to think thru all scenarios and possible outcomes and consequences. Bringing a strange guy home for sex? Lot's of possibly bad endings to that, but let's move on.
> 
> Sex first thing in a relationship can blind you to reality. Once you become intimate with someone you bond but not always in healthy ways, it's way to easy to ignore red flags when you are in a fog of lust. The smart thing would be to take a few steps back and get better acquainted, and I mean in person, not more internet chatting.


I agree totally with you on putting off sex,
I am old fashioned and think it is best if two people don't have sex for the first 15 or more dates , and not to count the dates until you get to the right number like a game of steps , but I come from an time where people got married first and then the sex , now that day seems to be long gone and if I had my day back I would have had sex sooner and more often , 
but we can't turn back the clock and peoples ideas around sex have changed 46 % of people now think it is ok to have sex on a first date. 
And most think sex before marriage is a must , when I was younger I was against this but not I think it is a huge risk to take as if you were not on the same place with sex you could end up married to someone that was not sexually matched


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## elliblue (7 mo ago)

Forget the other mothers on that forum.
They were just jeouse you had great sex. 
It was really irresponsible, but nothing seriois happened and you'll learn from it.

I am same age spectrum as your Ex husband and new love interessed. 
To me you don't sound more mature then other 24 year old lady. You don't behave anywhere near close my age.  
But that is good and OK! You just did proof with your not as mature you want to be.

When it comes to men it isn't about looking for same age. Most women are a little bit ahead to men. Usually Women are 4 years older when it comes to character developement. 
With 24 a guy 28-30 would propably a good match usually. amd if you think you're more mature your age, there are 28-30 year old men more mature their age.
A guy 24 would suit a 20 year old. therefore, it is nothing for you in most cases. For some women younger men or same age suit better. Just for you it isn't the case it seems. 

Instead of looking for a guy way older then you, why aren't you looking for a guy slightly older and if you feel your more mature also more mature compared to others his age? 


Look, if you pick men that much older, you're only picking those who are rather immature their age compared to men normal men their age.

You pick those guys who are too immature to cope with women who have the right maturaty of their age.
You just pick difficult guys. Those with issues causing them to stay way behind their age. Narvissit are such people for example.
You're just to young inexperienced to see that they are immature.

It would be different if you were really as mature as you believe. There are women who are in their mid 20s mature enough to handle a normal matured mid or end 30 guy. 
I just don't think you're that type of girl and you don't have to. 
Girls always want to be more mature. It is weird. 

You are young. Therefore, now you think you already know almost everything, but with 24 there is still a lot to learn for anyone.

Stop telling yourself your special and more mature. Usually the people who do say so are rather the oposit. 

Don't beat up yourself. If you like him, see how you two get along. But be careful and take it step by step.
I mean still if he lacks a bit of maturaty his age doesn't mean he's evil or abusive. 

You also said, you didn't pick a bad guy, because your ex did behave differently at the beginning.
Oh dear, oh dear. That is what I mean. You still have to learn. 

As an old lady I can tell you, you did pick a bad guy. There were red flaggs like 200%, you are just too young to recognise those. 

And now, again. You met a guy and you're convinced he is nice?

You know evil and toxic people are very charming and kind at the beginning. 
I mean how else are they supposed to find a partner???
No-one finds a partner by being abusive on the first date(s).


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

It’s not rude for a 24 yr old to chase men10 or more years older. I’m not going to go to the trouble of saying why, but it’s my opinion…

he said no multiple times? Poor guy, you took him to your lair and raped him!!!😋

Sounds like a not so bad guy. Maybe since you have some mental health problems an older, solid, man might fit you well. But I think 24 and 36 is too big a gap myself. Good luck.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

you have to stop worrying about other peoples opinions , what we think has nothing to do with how you feel , if you don't have regrets that is fine , 

You can have regrets both ways , you need only take a look at any topic on this forum and see that other peoples opinions are worthless because there is no way you can take all on bored as most topics here get many pages of different opinions it is impossible to take them all on


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

elliblue said:


> Forget the other mothers on that forum.
> They were just jeouse you had great sex.
> It was really irresponsible, but nothing seriois happened and you'll learn from it.
> 
> ...


I doubt they were jealous, just concerned.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> I doubt they were jealous, just concerned.


I would say that you are correct here. Concern, that's what most of those women in that forum were thinking about.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Rob_1 said:


> I would say that you are correct here. Concern, that's what most of those women in that forum were thinking about.


It's not just the obvious dangers spoken about but the very real dangers of STD's.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

There's a flip side just for conversation sake.

If a date goes very well, touching and necking included then the guy doesn't go up if invited in - a woman can either think somethings wrong and won't have a second date and or specifically think the guy isn't confident enough for her and again no date.

In younger days it was always better to try and fool around on the first date. Always. If she got close but said no, that was fine, but she was left with her confidence intact knowing you were up for it. Always left with saying I had a great time, and wow you're outstanding, leave it there. Always led to following dates.

Some women think if a guy doesn't try its either he's weird or it hurts her self image. Double standard but that's ok.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> There's a flip side just for conversation sake.
> 
> If a date goes very well, touching and necking included then the guy doesn't go up if invited in - a woman can either think somethings wrong and won't have a second date and or specifically think the guy isn't confident enough for her and again no date.
> 
> ...


I would think what a decent guy he was.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Diana7 said:


> I would think what a decent guy he was.


If he tried at least, or if he didn't try?


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> If he tried at least, or if he didn't try?


 even a prehistoric guy like me thinks in today's world if a guy is not pushing it girls think they are gay or useless


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

frenchpaddy said:


> even a prehistoric guy like me thinks in today's world if a guy is not pushing it girls think they are gay or useless


That's exactly what I'm saying.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> That's exactly what I'm saying.


 I am happy to be prehistoric , as bad as it was in our day , I would hate to play the game people play now not to talk about the apps and dating sites , 

IN our day it was the ballroom of romance , with the boys standing up along one wall and the girls other side , and if a girl danced more than twice with the same guy she was a bad girl , then disco started taking over and the guys wall became the bar , when they had enough drink in them they started to move out on the floor and try ask girls to dance that started the move to go home , 

before that there was the match maker , but that was before my time


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> If he tried at least, or if he didn't try?


If he said no its far too soon.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Diana7 said:


> If he said no its far too soon.


Thanks


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> If he said no its far too soon.


 I think guys expect to be turned down ,


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## lucyruiz1875 (6 mo ago)

elliblue said:


> Forget the other mothers on that forum.
> They were just jeouse you had great sex.
> It was really irresponsible, but nothing seriois happened and you'll learn from it.
> 
> ...


Thanks for your response, and I do have to say that I didn't picture myself as more mature as any girl my age. I didn't say anything like I'm so mature and ''special'' so please ''lady'' don't twist things, I do not think I'm special and I do not think I'm more mature, either. I just said that guys I meet my age have been immature, saying things like they want to meet my son after a few dates it is rather immature even for a 24yo girl like me.
I do have to tell youre right about the red flags with my ex, there may be some of them at that time that I didn't recognize, but everyone has issues, everyone has some things they can get mad of, and he DIDNT get mad at me for anything unconcibable. Telling a person you SHOULD always be aware of red flags and kind of try to blame them for not seeing them or choosing X person and suffering for it is your fault, it's not ok. My therapist says that we humans are not perfect and even rape victims are not one to blame, not even for making what other people might think are ''stupid'' choices like going out and drink... and be raped that night...
I do think men older than me are more mature but I do not close doors by ages, I don't go, ''oh this guy is my age, thank you next'', I always ALWAYS have a coffee with them to see if we click or not...
Then again, even if you are older than me, I do think you are wrong about many things you just posted as I'm wrong about ****ing a guy in the first date.


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## lucyruiz1875 (6 mo ago)

Evinrude58 said:


> It’s not rude for a 24 yr old to chase men10 or more years older. I’m not going to go to the trouble of saying why, but it’s my opinion…
> 
> he said no multiple times? Poor guy, you took him to your lair and raped him!!!😋
> 
> Sounds like a not so bad guy. Maybe since you have some mental health problems an older, solid, man might fit you well. But I think 24 and 36 is too big a gap myself. Good luck.


We actually doubted because, we were talking, then we kissed, the kiss scalated and we both just said something along the lines of ''things are getting out off hand here...'' so we stopped multiple times, speaked, then we couldnt hold it I guess... It was consensual, I didn't do anything to make him suffer nor did he, we just couldn't hold off


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## lucyruiz1875 (6 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> I would think what a decent guy he was.


Why it's decent if a guy*edit* DON'T make a sexual move? I can make sexual moves too, and no one would say anything... I don't think that's fair game


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## gold5932 (Jun 10, 2020)

Nothing wrong with first date sex, isn't there an app called Tinder? Just be safe and no reason to be sorry.


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## lucyruiz1875 (6 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> If he said no its far too soon.


Yeah it was far too soon, I think so too! Because now I don't know how I must behave in our next date, since we went from 0 to 100... I'm completely at fault for being so lusty and didn't think straight. Maybe some advice anyone can give me? Should I speak to him about this? He said something like... ''Please don't block me after this'' referring to the sex... And I wouldn't block him, so I think he is concerned about the topic as well


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## lucyruiz1875 (6 mo ago)

gold5932 said:


> Nothing wrong with first date sex, isn't there an app called Tinder? Just be safe and no reason to be sorry.


Yes we may be reckless but I always have protection, and I do know him from coworkers and other friends, so I don't think he would have any sexual disease that can be spread with a condom on... But I have already an appointment at the doctor to make sure since this is so new and random to me.


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## lucyruiz1875 (6 mo ago)

lucyruiz1875 said:


> Yes we may be reckless but I always have protection, and I do know him from coworkers and other friends, so I don't think he would have any sexual disease that can be spread with a condom on... But I have already an appointment at the doctor to make sure since this is so new and random to me.


Oh and I mean I would have known since it's small town and every gossip spreads like wildfire.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

lucyruiz1875 said:


> Yeah it was far too soon, I think so too! Because now I don't know how I must behave in our next date, since we went from 0 to 100... I'm completely at fault for being so lusty and didn't think straight. Maybe some advice anyone can give me? Should I speak to him about this? He said something like... ''Please don't block me after this'' referring to the sex... And I wouldn't block him, so I think he is concerned about the topic as well


 GO ON THE NEXT DATE and have no rules , you can't turn back the clock


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

lucyruiz1875 said:


> Hi everyone. I was in an abusive relationship with the father of my son. Im 24 and he is now 39. When the baby was born, a month in came the big fight and I left him so my child was safe.
> I thought I did good and my boy is 4 years old now, visiting right now his grandparents to see his dad too. But I was feeling alone always, raising him alone, and enduring his fathers intakes.
> Yesterday I finally met with a man that Ive been talking to for about two months, and I already liked him by phone. He is 36 and yeah hes older too, but I simply dont get along with man my age, or they are too immature... Either way, its not like Im selecting, Im just not closing any door to older people than me just because theyre too older than me.
> The date went great, he visited me in my town, we grabbed a beer and talked in a park for hours. Then heat came, we were sweating (we have a heat wave pretty intense right now) so I said hey, lets go to my house since I have a patio and theres shadow, and we can grab another beer.
> ...


Someone who has been a childhood victim will very often keep attracting predatory men. They may be familiar to you. Now, you didn't mention your childhood, so if not applicable, toss it. 

Still, you chose one. So you are drawn to some facet in them, so yes, you may well attract another. Predatory men can spot a good victim right away. By your stance, by your tolerance for not calling them on small things because you think that would be petty to call them out for something little, but that's how they find out what you'll put up with. 

You need to sit yourself down and make yourself a list of rules and boundaries and then stick with them and dump a guy the first time he breaches those and doesn't respect your rules and boundaries. Maybe therapy would help you. 

Rules like - I won't tolerate him criticizing me and trying to make me feel stupid.
I won't tolerate him turning something around (gaslighting) to try to make every issue we have my fault instead of his.
I don't do anything I don't want to do sexually.
I won't tolerate a man who is too possessive or clingy. 

Just things like that. Give it some thought and stick with it. 

You know, dating is about finding out if someone is good enough to keep seeing. It's not obligatory to keep seeing them if they're not a good fit or not a good person.


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## lucyruiz1875 (6 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Someone who has been a childhood victim will very often keep attracting predatory men. They may be familiar to you. Now, you didn't mention your childhood, so if not applicable, toss it.
> 
> Still, you chose one. So you are drawn to some facet in them, so yes, you may well attract another. Predatory men can spot a good victim right away. By your stance, by your tolerance for not calling them on small things because you think that would be petty to call them out for something little, but that's how they find out what you'll put up with.
> 
> ...


Wow thank you, this is actually gold advice. I will do just that. I have make lists before, but never in the sense of toxicity, just some things I would like to have in a partner. Now the list is thicker since I have a baby boy. This guy seems good, but I know firsthand it can switch anytime. But there is something about his energy, like he is not possesive around people, he is a bit passive. A bit clumsy. I don't think that is a pretending thing, but I have to keep three eyes open for this, since I really like him and I know it can biase my judgment about him


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## lucyruiz1875 (6 mo ago)

frenchpaddy said:


> GO ON THE NEXT DATE and have no rules , you can't turn back the clock


Yeah, well, since we already did it and it was so good, I won't think I'll be able to hold back next time, and if I did that would be weird wouldn't it? And I know how he approaches sex now, so if I don't make a move things won't happen...


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

frenchpaddy said:


> even a prehistoric guy like me thinks in today's world if a guy is not pushing it girls think they are gay or useless


Many aren't like that.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

lucyruiz1875 said:


> Yeah it was far too soon, I think so too! Because now I don't know how I must behave in our next date, since we went from 0 to 100... I'm completely at fault for being so lusty and didn't think straight. Maybe some advice anyone can give me? Should I speak to him about this? He said something like... ''Please don't block me after this'' referring to the sex... And I wouldn't block him, so I think he is concerned about the topic as well


How about telling him that it may be best if you take things one step at a time from now on.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

lucyruiz1875 said:


> Why it's decent if a guy*edit* DON'T make a sexual move? I can make sexual moves too, and no one would say anything... I don't think that's fair game


I guess because I am female I was saying what I would think of a guy who didn't jump into bed immediately and I said I would respect him.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

lucyruiz1875 said:


> Wow thank you, this is actually gold advice. I will do just that. I have make lists before, but never in the sense of toxicity, just some things I would like to have in a partner. Now the list is thicker since I have a baby boy. This guy seems good, but I know firsthand it can switch anytime. But there is something about his energy, like he is not possesive around people, he is a bit passive. A bit clumsy. I don't think that is a pretending thing, but I have to keep three eyes open for this, since I really like him and I know it can biase my judgment about him


Thanks. Just remember that when you first start dating a person, they will be on their very best behavior and really not even be themselves for months and sometimes even years. It truly does take a couple of years to get to know someone and see if they have a dark side.

There's a saying you don't really know a person until you've seen how they are when they are not getting their way, and that is very true. Sure, everyone is usually just fine as long as things are going their way. With a child in the picture, you wait until you have seen how he handles himself in his daily life, if he's reliable at his job and strives to do his best or if he is always looking for ways to loaf at work or screw over his boss or someone else. See if he keeps his promises to friends. If he says he'll show up, does he show up on time? That goes to their overall ethics. 

For a person to be trustworthy, they need to have good ethics across the board, be doing their best, have good intentions towards others, not complaining about their ex like it was all her fault, not griping about their boss or coworkers and using that to justify calling in sick, etc.

So that might be added to your things you want, someone who has good intentions towards others instead of negativity towards others.

Then you need to be with them long enough to see what they're like when their car breaks down or your car does. Do they blow their top and lose their temper? Do they get it towed and handle it right away or leave it sit and end up getting it towed by the city and owing the tow yard hundreds of dollars because they were disorganized about it?

Or do they seem to know just what to do and maybe they're annoyed, for sure, but they just take care of business.

If it's your car, do they offer to give you a lift or make excuses because they don't want to be put out.

Other thing is see what they're like when ill. Are they a big baby who is irritable and bossy, or are they reasonable?

When you are ill, do they offer to go to the drugstore for you, or do they just avoid you because they know there will be no sex tonight?

All these things are very telling and can give you a view into their attitude. If they come up short, don't waste your precious time on them.

Also, it only costs $25 to go online and do a background check. They may have DUIs, so you know they might be alcoholic, or other things they might never tell you. You might see a domestic abuse charge on there. Spend the money and do it.


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## lucyruiz1875 (6 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> How about telling him that it may be best if you take things one step at a time from now on.


I just did that, I told him we should take things slowly, but I am not so sure right now I want to cut sex off. It was too good.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

lucyruiz1875 said:


> I just did that, I told him we should take things slowly, but I am not so sure right now I want to cut sex off. It was too good.


Good things are worth waiting for.


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## lucyruiz1875 (6 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Thanks. Just remember that when you first start dating a person, they will be on their very best behavior and really not even be themselves for months and sometimes even years. It truly does take a couple of years to get to know someone and see if they have a dark side.
> 
> There's a saying you don't really know a person until you've seen how they are when they are not getting their way, and that is very true. Sure, everyone is usually just fine as long as things are going their way. With a child in the picture, you wait until you have seen how he handles himself in his daily life, if he's reliable at his job and strives to do his best or if he is always looking for ways to loaf at work or screw over his boss or someone else. See if he keeps his promises to friends. If he says he'll show up, does he show up on time? That goes to their overall ethics.
> 
> ...


Yes!! Totally. When I meet I guy, if they trash talk their exes its DONE right away. I also will keep an _special_ eye open when things get difficult, like you say, car crashing can be triggering. This one talked about their exes good, and the last one cheated on him. So he could've been harsher. But he does complain a lot about his job, but I know it's a hard one (physical one, he works packaging people's baggage at the airport) He complains about people asking him things about the airport when he's clearly a packaging guy, but he is not harsh while complaining. He's like, I want to get home already, and other phrases that I would actually say a lot when I work (I'm a waitress). He was nice to the waitress that day, got a little distracted about me(he missed directions while we were talking) Also he has a good social life, and a project about saving up money for opening a digital marketing business... He asked if I were comfortable with him paying, which I found very good! But here I am, doubting... And I should doubt because I don't really want to fall in love with him for nothing or worse, getting really hurt like last time which ended in me being single for 4 full years.


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## lucyruiz1875 (6 mo ago)

I


Diana7 said:


> Good things are worth waiting for.


I promise I'll try!!!


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## gold5932 (Jun 10, 2020)

lucyruiz1875 said:


> Yeah it was far too soon, I think so too! Because now I don't know how I must behave in our next date, since we went from 0 to 100... I'm completely at fault for being so lusty and didn't think straight. Maybe some advice anyone can give me? Should I speak to him about this? He said something like... ''Please don't block me after this'' referring to the sex... And I wouldn't block him, so I think he is concerned about the topic as well


I'm way older than you but why are you so worried? You've experienced typical shaming. You are both consenting adults and wanted sex. Happens all the time and there is absolutely nothing to be ashamed about. If you are looking for a long term relationship, great. If you need a little comfort, great. But don't let other women shame you.


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## lucyruiz1875 (6 mo ago)

gold5932 said:


> I'm way older than you but why are you so worried? You've experienced typical shaming. You are both consenting adults and wanted sex. Happens all the time and there is absolutely nothing to be ashamed about. If you are looking for a long term relationship, great. If you need a little comfort, great. But don't let other women shame you.


Thank you  I was just surprised they even mentioned my skills as a mother just because I had sex with a man too soon... my son wasn't even there.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Is your ex still in your life e.g. re your son? Is he dating now?


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## SongoftheSouth (Apr 22, 2014)

Quel che e fatto e fatto. I can only speak Italian and some English apparently but my Spanish is poor. But what is done is done. Stop beating yourself up Lucy. Sounds like you may like this person so stop letting someone else on a forum full of strangers judge you. I hope it works out well for you.


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## lucyruiz1875 (6 mo ago)

manfromlamancha said:


> Is your ex still in your life e.g. re your son? Is he dating now?


Yes he is in his life. I don't have a choice since the law makes me give my baby to him. He seems... to be doing good for now, but I always wonder how good a father a man than beats someone that isn't defending themselves can be? So yes, I'm always very stressed about my son, about what he's doing with him. I really get along very well with my son's grandparents so I can trust them and my son stays in their house when visiting rather than in his father's house. So I'm always calling and texting them to know how their son is doing, since they know how he's like.
Maybe that's why I had sex in the first place, because I felt so different.


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## lucyruiz1875 (6 mo ago)

SongoftheSouth said:


> Quel che e fatto e fatto. I can only speak Italian and some English apparently but my Spanish is poor. But what is done is done. Stop beating yourself up Lucy. Sounds like you may like this person so stop letting someone else on a forum full of strangers judge you. I hope it works out well for you.


Thank you so much! He's actually italian haha.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I recently had sex on my first date with a woman 10 years my junior. What's the problem?

One thing though, I do agree with being careful who you introduce your child to, however you mentioned your child wasn't there so 🤷‍♂️
I keep my daughter / dating life completely isolated until I'm in a committed long term loving relationship.

People may judge, it's just the way it is. I did too. But that's their problem.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

gold5932 said:


> I'm way older than you but why are you so worried? You've experienced typical shaming. You are both consenting adults and wanted sex. Happens all the time and there is absolutely nothing to be ashamed about. If you are looking for a long term relationship, great. If you need a little comfort, great. But don't let other women shame you.


Yes, but be sure you're being responsible and using birth control please!


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

lucyruiz1875 said:


> I
> 
> I promise I'll try!!!


If you meet out in public you won't be tempted


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Many aren't like that.


 I know Diana this is a much bigger topic that I think it would be good if we set up its own topic where you and others could help both sexes understand where each is coming from , if I think of it later and have the time I hope to make a topic on it and I would love to know your views on it


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

IT might be best for you to meet him out in public some where not to romantic , and take a taxi or bus to get home that it is not too much of a game play , 

both ways it can be a game play , we all know the one when two people are starting to date first , they go out to dinner or a film or the list is long , at the end of the night he walks her to her door , 
while walking to that door the girl is thinking of should I ask him in for a drink or coffee and if I do will it give the impression I am asking and open to more ,
I would say if you get to the point of walking to the door if you don't want to take your date to the bedroom then just be honest with him , he will not be up set unless he is the type your better off without , it is when people start playing games 
to get what they want and send out mixed up singles that can be picked up wrong , 
This is where problems start ,


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

lucyruiz1875 said:


> Yeah, well, since we already did it and it was so good, I won't think I'll be able to hold back next time, and if I did that would be weird wouldn't it? And I know how he approaches sex now, so if I don't make a move things won't happen...


the best I can say is plan a date , the type date that you can get to know each other , 

The best thing about second dates is that you already know this person likes you, a little bit at the very least. you like him and your attracted to him, 
While a first date comes with no promises, the second one means this person is interested enough to go out with you again. 
you might be tempted to just stage a rerun. Don’t. You should do something entirely different for your second date. 
it’s even better to choose a totally different location an activity.let your environment inspire fun and interesting conversations. 
It’s just as important to talk on the second date as it is on the first, so don’t choose a date idea that would prevent you from doing that. like the movies 
Once you get to know each other enough to hang out more often and feel comfortable in each other’s company you can have your movie marathon. But for now, pick a place and an activity that will allow you to talk to each other for a good proportion of the date. 
dress casually. LIKE what you would dress in for the office, could be a great outfit for a second date! Your guy has already seen how great you can look in bed, If you don’t normally wear high heels then don't wear them now either,
Let your date get to know the real you and get a feel for what things would be like if you were a couple. 

What better way to start your date than with a smile and a hug? You and your date already know and like each other, so show it as soon as you see one another again. You can even give them a cute little kiss on the cheek. it is custom here in France and i think it is where both you are from ,
By starting your date with a little intimacy, you will break the ice and make you both feel more relaxed and comfortable around each other. A hug and a kiss on the cheek could remind your date that you like them and help ease the tension.without making it look like more , you can even give him a kiss when you meet if you feel like it , it is better to not hold back too much and make it look that your been artificial.

Avoid drinking too much alcohol during your date. While your date is at least a little interested in you, a third date is not guaranteed, so don’t forget that and don’t act like you’re best friends already. 

JUST BE YOURSELF where the end of the night brings you is as much his doing as yours , if that is once again in bed then what can i say as long as it is honest and you are not flirting and sending out inappropriate singles , 

I hope the date goes well for you, I think you both are on the same page in as far as you both while enjoying the sex you both think it was too soon , but you can't take it back now and should have no regrets all should be good as long as you try to plan and when your getting dressed put on you office underwear as your not getting dressed with the intention of him seeing it . 
,


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

gold5932 said:


> I'm way older than you but why are you so worried? You've experienced typical shaming. You are both consenting adults and wanted sex. Happens all the time and there is absolutely nothing to be ashamed about. If you are looking for a long term relationship, great. If you need a little comfort, great. But don't let other women shame you.


Do you think its shaming when people are concerned for her safety? If she were my daughter/friend/sister I would be very concerned for her.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

I think the OP is looking at this from the point that she sees this person as someone she wants to build a strong relationship with , and she does not want it to be based on a sex only relationship , she herself thinks she would be better off if it did not end in sex the first date and she is looking for a way to keep it from ending in sex again the next time ,

I a poster comes here and posts a topic I normally support them in what ever they think and not push my own lifestyle on them 
IN THIS case I give any advice as if it was to my daughter , she is very honest in how she is posting , 
I don't think she feels ashamed about the sex on the first date but more that she wants the relationship to not be a sex only type thing


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Y


frenchpaddy said:


> I think the OP is looking at this from the point that she sees this person as someone she wants to build a strong relationship with , and she does not want it to be based on a sex only relationship , she herself thinks she would be better off if it did not end in sex the first date and she is looking for a way to keep it from ending in sex again the next time ,
> 
> I a poster comes here and posts a topic I normally support them in what ever they think and not push my own lifestyle on them
> IN THIS case I give any advice as if it was to my daughter , she is very honest in how she is posting ,
> I don't think she feels ashamed about the sex on the first date but more that she wants the relationship to not be a sex only type thing


Yes. She is right to want to delay sex for a while and just get to know the guy a bit.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I still dont see a problem. Based on how he is acting, it seems he wants to get to know you a bit more too.


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## Mybabysgotit (Jul 1, 2019)

lucyruiz1875 said:


> Is it really so bad I ''like'' older man and I had sex on my first date?


I don't think it's bad, I had sex with my now wife on our first time meeting each other and she's 10 yrs younger than I am. We are 20 years together, 17 married. . Age doesn't have anything to do with how successful a marriage will be; don't let them tell you anything different.


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## lucyruiz1875 (6 mo ago)

RandomDude said:


> I recently had sex on my first date with a woman 10 years my junior. What's the problem?
> 
> One thing though, I do agree with being careful who you introduce your child to, however you mentioned your child wasn't there so 🤷‍♂️
> I keep my daughter / dating life completely isolated until I'm in a committed long term loving relationship.
> ...


Yeah, I was using condom and I'm also taking pills, so the concern about that is off. The thing is it was in my house... But damn if I'm being wary of All guys I won't enjoy them... It is too much for it happened in my home but now that I know he's not murdering me, wich is highly HIGLY improbable, I may just enjoy the good sex I haven't received in 4 full years. And I have pepper spray and a pitbull in my house (I had to lock Ares, my pin, in his cage while we were having sex because otherwise it'll kill him haha. He's a protection dog from my previous relationship so he didn't sense anything and he didn't see any weapons on him. 
Then again, of course I won't introduce my child to anyone. Or leave my child in the care of anyone besides me or my momma.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

frenchpaddy said:


> If a guy has sex on the first date, it's essentially a signal to the other person that all they care about is sex, even if that's not necessarily the case. And if it is the case, having sex on the first date can send mixed messages to the other person.
> 
> "I’ve been on dates before where I turned down sex on the first date, despite being attracted to the other person,So yes men can turn it down .
> "I am not sorry now I turned her down ,
> ...


Same here! I thought with my wife, dude I'm hitting way above my pay grade, talking PB centerfold grade. 

When I went out with my wife 1st time, I was so afraid I would do something to screw it up. Made it DD with buddy and his wife, just in case I was not up to the conversation, she would have another woman there to talk to. When night was over I just kissed the back of her hand good night. 

She said that confused the crap out of her and she thought I did not like her. I wanted to be a perfect gentleman and I did not want to move too fast and her think I just wanted sex....I wanted forever. Confused her more when I called her the next day and asked for another date, being she thought I did not like her.

She said all she wanted was to talk to me, one on one, and get to know who I was. Getting buddy and his wife to go along almost blew the date.

On 2nd date I asked her permission before I kissed her. She was hooked just like I was. She said it was odd, being we just met, but she felt safe with me. She had not truly felt safe for a long time. She told me about CSA trauma. She did not even tell her STBXWH of 10 yrs about it.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

frenchpaddy said:


> I am happy to be prehistoric , as bad as it was in our day , I would hate to play the game people play now not to talk about the apps and dating sites ,
> 
> IN our day it was the ballroom of romance , with the boys standing up along one wall and the girls other side , and if a girl danced more than twice with the same guy she was a bad girl , then disco started taking over and the guys wall became the bar , when they had enough drink in them they started to move out on the floor and try ask girls to dance that started the move to go home ,
> 
> before that there was the match maker , but that was before my time


Exactly, with the hookup culture now, I do not think I would take a woman serious that was on one of these hookup.....I mean dating sites.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

lucyruiz1875 said:


> Yeah it was far too soon, I think so too! Because now I don't know how I must behave in our next date, since we went from 0 to 100... I'm completely at fault for being so lusty and didn't think straight. Maybe some advice anyone can give me? Should I speak to him about this? He said something like... ''Please don't block me after this'' referring to the sex... And I wouldn't block him, so I think he is concerned about the topic as well


He may have been insecure about his abilities. He may be a good guy that was used as a F-boy in past. Know how that feels. Like the girls looking for LTR and when they go there, get ghosted after.


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