# I failed my marriage... Now what??



## youngndumb (Apr 20, 2010)

Soooooo...... Long story short I'm young... 22 Years old... Me and my soon to be ex wife met three years ago and fell deeply in love. We got married and things were going great. But then I turned into an idiot. I began to say, "I'm to young to be married, I should be out experiencing the world and living life to the fullest." So I pushed my wife away. I told her I didn't want to be together, and that she should go out and find someone else. I never told her that I didn't love her cause that wouldn't have been the truth I did and still do love her very much. So I pushed and pushed for so long that finaly she gave in and gave up. She tried several times and very hard to save our marriage. She wanted counciling, wanted to talk, wanted to work things out and I was totally unreceptive and cold to everything and would just say that I don't want to be with you. Basically the disolve of my marriage was my fault. So after we split and she finaly gives up after so long of trying to save our marriage I got my wish. I was moved out single and living what life I thought I wanted... but it was horrible... I hated this life I got into. The time was meaningless and I missed my wife so much. I didn't realize what I had because I was very foolish. And to make matters worse I find out that my wife is pregnant after I leave...

After I left and realized what a fool I was being I learned very quickly that my marriage was what I wanted and my Wife was the love of my life. But.... It was to late... I tried to come back and she's with someone else... She says she loves him and doesn't have room in her heart for me anymore. She says that he fulfills the needs that I wasn't meeting while we were together and I was pushing her away. I wish so hard that I could take back everything I did to harm our marriage. I wish I could show her the love she deserves and wanted, but I can't take back the past. My stupid youth and want of the greener grass ruined my life and my marriage. But now I've got other problems. How do I deal with this new man in my wifes life who is probably going to be some part of my childs life? Is it wrong of me to ask her not to have him at the hospital when my son is born? Is there even anyway that maybe some day we could be together again and I could get another chance to be the man she deserves? Should I even want that chance? I'm so hurt and so confused about everything... I feel like even though I was pushing us apart and moved out I never moved on and couldn't. How could she move on so quick and fall in love with someone else so quick? I realize that while I was being dumb and upseting her so much that he was there talking to her and being nice to her, but does that make that right? She is so cold to me now... She acts like she doesn't care a bit about me and how I feel... Even when I was being dumb I still cared about her and how she felt. Why is she shutting me out so bad? I've tried and tried to tell her how much I love her and how much I know I failed and want to work on these things and get back to where we were but the more I tell her I love her the more she hates me. The more I try to tell her I'm sorry the more she doesn't want to talk and is just DONE... What do I do now? I guess it would be different if a child wasn't involved. I feel like as bad as it would hurt I would never have to talk to her again and I could move on. But now I'm stuck because I don't want her to push me out of my childs life, but I don't want to be annoying to her or get in the way of her and this guy if that's what makes her truely happy. I feel like if I talk to her I'm wrong. If I don't talk to her I'm wrong. I guess I'm just confused and don't know where to go from here. Is anyone out there going through or went through something similar that could offer some advice? Some hope?


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## addie (Apr 19, 2010)

sounds like you really messed things up. sorry to be so blunt to you , but you did act very foolish. my husband left me 4 months pregnant and with a 1 yr old to live the single life. we have a much complicated story so im not gonna get into it, but yeah you did mess up bad. she is gonna be very cold to you. women do that. but ya know if she is cold to you like that its because she probably still has feelings for you. she is just annoyed by you right now and hurt. this other guy is probably just someone willing to support her and give her what she wants. she probably is not in love with him nor will she ever be. he is giving her what you didnt. just stand by her no matter how much she says she want you gone. ask her to go to appointments with her and rub her belly and ask if you can be in delivery room. dont push it on her, but let her know you want to do these things and want to be a good daddy. dont push yourself on her though( i am learning that now). support her and try to be civil she will come back to you if its truly true love you guys had or have. its sad that so many guys do this to themselves. you are lucky you realized it so fast. you should definately share your story, so many guys need to knw life is not always greener on the other side. and women need to knwo this too. just stick with her and be there for your son. if she truly loves you she will eventually give you another chance, but you need to show her you have changed and are willing to go as far as possible for her.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Younanddumb,

First stop blaming your wife for being cold towards you. What do you expect after you put her through he$%? Second, stop telling her that you love her -- she knows -- the more you do that right now the more she will pull away. The more you beg, the more she leaves.

Get control of your emotions as best you can. You need to show her strength especially with a child on the way. You need to be the leader with setting up appointments etc. But I agree with Addie that you need to discuss these things with her as well and do not be pushy about it.

You are gonig to be a father. You need to be there for your w and your child. Be the one to set up birthing classes, find a Daddy boot camp class to prepare yourself for caring for a baby. Do some reading about parenting.

You need to be a strong man. And I'm not talking macho here -- I'm talking strength. A strong man is one who is in control of his emotions and his environment, who leads his family, who shows compassion when needed, who sticks by his beliefs and principals, is the calm in the storm, who admits his mistakes and betters himself from those mistakes for the future.

Prepare to do a lot of soul searching. It sucks, it hurts, but it is needed. Do not blame others for your short comings -- that is deflection.

Thats my 2 cents.


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## youngndumb (Apr 20, 2010)

Thank you so much for your input. I am working every day to better myself as a man and be a good father for my son on the way. That was a good point Feelingalone about me blaming her for being cold... I didn't really look at it that way and I was more looking at it like she owed it to me or somethin to be nice.But you are totally right. She don't owe me a thing and I've got to work to be better and be a part of my sons life. I have gone to every appointment so far, and have been very interested (Not because I have to try but because I am) in my sons wellbeing and how the pregnancy is going. I'm going to hope and pray that someday I will get another chance to be the man she deserves. Since this post I have taken responsibilty for what I did to our marriage to her, to my family, and to my faith. I am now working on being a better man and getting ready for my son to be here! Thank you so much again for your input. (Addie... How do I share my story? If I can keep someone from this I would do it in a heartbeat! Were u just talking about with people in general or were you talking about a thread on here? BTW Since all this has happened I have helped save two of my friends marriages who were going through the similar circumstances)


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## addie (Apr 19, 2010)

youngndumb said:


> Thank you so much for your input. I am working every day to better myself as a man and be a good father for my son on the way. That was a good point Feelingalone about me blaming her for being cold... I didn't really look at it that way and I was more looking at it like she owed it to me or somethin to be nice.But you are totally right. She don't owe me a thing and I've got to work to be better and be a part of my sons life. I have gone to every appointment so far, and have been very interested (Not because I have to try but because I am) in my sons wellbeing and how the pregnancy is going. I'm going to hope and pray that someday I will get another chance to be the man she deserves. Since this post I have taken responsibilty for what I did to our marriage to her, to my family, and to my faith. I am now working on being a better man and getting ready for my son to be here! Thank you so much again for your input. (Addie... How do I share my story? If I can keep someone from this I would do it in a heartbeat! Were u just talking about with people in general or were you talking about a thread on here? BTW Since all this has happened I have helped save two of my friends marriages who were going through the similar circumstances)


just talking about it in general and posting things on here is always a good way to get it out. some men need that wakeup call. i am still waiting on my husband to get his. it is breaking my heart. keep up with your son and your faith. she will come around again, whether its as a friend or as your wife. but know i really doubt she loves this other man. you should listen to that chris young song "the man i want to be". this is your life and you dont even know it.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

YD,

I'm here to help. This is a journey not a race. Self-improvement takes time and effort. I suggest getting a copy of the book "Being the Strong Man a Woman Wants" by Elliott Katz. It is one I've recently read -- 3 or 4 times. It resonated with me.

It is a quick and easy read -- at least for me it was. It isn't a step by step guide -- but it explains why you should be certain things. There are other books to read as well. You are young, look at this as a blessing, an opportunity to do it the right way for the rest of your life. I wish I knew this stuff when I was your age.


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## youngndumb (Apr 20, 2010)

Addie... If you would like for me to talk to your Husband tell him to read everything and then tell me if he doesn't wake up. I'll write some more to try and show him. I hope for the best for you Addie. I know how things should go but sometimes don't. He's lucky that you haven't given up on him yet and he still has a chance. I will pray and hope that he sees that.... And wow... That song is right, but I think it's to late unfortunatly for me... Feeling alone... I'm gonna go get that book and check it out, and I still appreciate the words from both of you.


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## addie (Apr 19, 2010)

unfortunately i amarried to a very stubborn man. if someone tells him he is messing up it will pull him further away. he has trouble admitting to mistakes. he is just like his grandfather, his grandfather lefthis wife and 3 kids and just up and left to another country (millitary) without them. it took him years to realize he did his wife wrong. but i know my husband was raised by good people and that apple cant fall far from the tree. hopefully their kindness and love will rub off on him. with my husband i have to just be patient and hopes he runs into the right person who will set him straight without being forced to do anything. he has to come to his own realization like you did. unfortunately for me it will probablly be to late for him and as of right now i love him and want to be with him, but as the days go by as much as it hurts im realizing that my kkids probably deserve better than him and i deserve a man who will stand by me during pregnancy. its gonna take alot of forgiveness on mypart. i hope i am strong enough to forgive him for all this in the end. i mean i could have miscarried my son with all this stress. ive had to go to theripy and my mom and mother in law had to step up and try to keep me calm and as stress free as possible. i owe them all more than anybody will ever know because now my son has a shot at a good life. but anyway dont ever say its to late, your wife just has to find it in her heart to forgive and forget. live your life the best way you can adn give your child everything you can. she will see the man you have become i promise.


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## youngndumb (Apr 20, 2010)

I hope you are right Addie... It's like I want to be there so much for her during this pregnancy but I can't and she's already got this other guy.... She says she loves him and I'm pretty sure he's livin with her now... My heart breaks. I'm finding it really hard right now to keep my head up and not get down on myself but I do it. No worries on that. But maybe like you said some day she'll see the changes in me and maybe this guy will turn out to be a loser or somethin... I dunno. I keep hope and faith but it seems very thin if not any at all right now. I hope that your husband really means what he says and wants to be the man you deserve. I really wish there was something I could say to him to convince him about him needing to live for his family and not for this world. Please let me knoe if there is anything I can do.


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