# Should I trust her?



## Robmeofmysecurity (Aug 22, 2011)

Me and my wife have been together for 8 years, married for 4. I found out she was texting with a guy from high school for about a month and she went to his house twice late at night. She insist nothing happened but she will not delete him from her facebook page. Two months later I found out she was still talking (not as much) but she said she misses him(I found on her facebook). Now another two months later and she swears she doesn't talk to him but still won't delet him. What should I do? Can I trust her? Is it possible nothing really happened?


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Of course you can't trust her. She's behaving inappropriately with another man. The odds are very, very good that she's already slept with him.

Your choices here are to accept her actions or not. I don't think you should.

If you choose not to accept her actions, then you tell her that you refuse to live in an open marriage. She writes a no-contact letter, lets you read it, and you mail it. Then, she deletes him from her phone, email, Facebook, blocks him, and gives you access to her accounts so that you can verify that she isn't contacting him.

You should also follow this up with keylogger software on your computer, so she can't just delete chat logs or emails, and a voice-activated-recorder under the seat of her car. Don't tell her about these measures unless you find evidence that the affair has gone underground.

If she's unwilling to do this, you call a lawyer and start divorce proceedings. There is time to call off a divorce if she decides to behave like a married woman, but you need to push her to choose you or the other man.


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## SIP (Jul 27, 2011)

I can't say if there is anything going on but if you are not comfortable with him being on her FB friends list and she will not delete him, then that to me is a red flag, at least a lack of respect. Heed my warning that 'old flames' reconnecting is never a great idea! If any two people are going to have an affair it is two ex's because they already have the emotions they need to add fuel to the fire and that fire can burn out of control very fast! Tell her you don't appreciate her choosing a 'friendship' over your feelings, you are her husband and should always be her priority. If there is nothing going on she should have no problem deleting him and ending contact.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

I got a FB friend request from a high school flame I hadn't heard from in 22 years, Not two weeks later I was neck deep in a very intense emotional affair. Old flames reconnecting on facebook is like playing with matches while pumping gas, it may not ignite but if it does it'll go big. As has been said, at a minimum she should respect the wishes of her spouse over a facebook friend and her refusal to delete him and the fact that she's been to his place twice are huge red flags. I don't see anyway they're not in an affair and from the sound of it likely a full blown EA/PA. 

You cannot trust her word on this - she hasn't earned it. I'm afraid you're going to have to do some detective work and see what you get, but be prepared for bad news. If you find what I suspect don't confront her until you have lots of overwhelming evidence. If you confront her before you can prove your suspicions she will likely just take it all deeper underground and make it even harder on you. Sorry your in this spot, there's lots of advice and help here.


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## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

robme,

Trust is earned and not freely given. The Facebook activity coupled with late visits is not a good sign. There is no room for this kind of activity.

If she is saying: "Don''t you trust me?" and getting upset about you wanting her to stop....this is another red flag.


Sounds like you are standing in a frying pan. Try to keep out of the fire.

Things you can do:

1. Prepare for the worst. Emotionally, physically and spiritually. Focus on yourself and try to stay calm and rational. Keep firm on these points:

-No you can't have him as a friend.
-There can be no contact with this guy...absolutely none.

2. Hope for the best. Perhaps this Facebook friend is nothing? If so..then no harm no foul....although if it makes you uncomfortable and she is refusing to stop contact...either way, this is something that needs to be addressed right away. 

Best Wishes,

GM


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

PHTlumb has great advice, and I want to follow through with the fact that she will for sure label you as controlling when you go down this round.

The counter measure you will need after the "controlling" label comes out is to #1 inform her that you are not controling her and she is free to leave or she is free to stay married to you. 

If she chooses to stay married to you then you tell her the boundries that you have set up to protect your felling from getting hurt again and again. These boundries that you have set are also ment to protect the marraige.

Do not trust her and put a stop to her BS, it will break up your marriage for sure, man up and take this action in order for your W to see you are not messen around.

It is her choice, you can't control her but you can refuse to tolorate her behavior by asking her to leave if she contiues.

Do not beg for your marriage it will empower your wife to continue with her bad behavior. Do not cry, it is not attractive, right now you want to be as confident and as attractive to your wife as possible, making her second guess her choices.

If she sees a confident man infront of her who is willing to move on with out her she will think twice about the fact that she may loose her husband.


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## Soccerfan73 (Jul 30, 2011)

Letting her date other men while married is never good for a marriage. 

Yes, it is dating because she visited him late at night. There is no valid reason for doing that. 

Time for her to act like a married woman. It would be one thing if she had just "friended" him on Cheatbook, but it's quite another to be having late night visits on top of that. 

The train is already off of the rails.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

S- I disagree, this wasn't a date, it was a booty call. He isn't letting her do any thing, he can't control her, but he can control his action and behaviors, so by not standing up and setting his boundries, he may indirectly be "letting" her, but lets face it, his wife has no boundries of her own when it come to acting like a wife.

In IMO she has lost all her right to privacy and he should step up and quitely investigate her commitment to the marriage, b/c your right, "the train has left the rail" and if he doesn't step up now this train will for sure wreck.


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## Soccerfan73 (Jul 30, 2011)

the guy said:


> S- I disagree, this wasn't a date, it was a booty call. He isn't letting her do any thing, he can't control her, but he can control his action and behaviors, so by not standing up and setting his boundries, he may indirectly be "letting" her, but lets face it, his wife has no boundries of her own when it come to acting like a wife.
> 
> In IMO she has lost all her right to privacy and he should step up and quitely investigate her commitment to the marriage, b/c your right, "the train has left the rail" and if he doesn't step up now this train will for sure wreck.


Yeah, I think you have summed it up better than I did. I agree with your statement that it was more of a booty call. 

The wife's lack of boundaries are a major problem here.


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## Robmeofmysecurity (Aug 22, 2011)

Just for the record they were friends in high school, and I was her first love and first everything pretty much. Does this change any opinions?


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Not for me...


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

No, 
Lets say you went out late to meet a old female friend from high school and you are the one texting all the time, and you were the one that told your wife you would stop contacting her?

Just b/c you were her 1st everything don't you think she would still have a problem with that? 

The opinion is the same 

She is disrespecting her marriage and her husband, she has no boundries, and her moral compass is way off.

You can not trust her and you need to confront this with real consequences.


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## marriageinprogress (Jul 7, 2011)

She is in denial-

She is justifying her behavior and protecting herself. She is obviously already involved with another man. I don't know if it's gone physical but it will. The emotional part is already there and the physical comes next...

She needs to stop, the outcome of all this is going to be a lot of hurt and pain.


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## Locard (May 26, 2011)

At first I just read the thread title, thats really all that is needed, and the answer is no as usual. 

Then I read what you wrote and the answer became HELL NO.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Robmeofmysecurity said:


> Just for the record they were friends in high school, and I was her first love and first everything pretty much. Does this change any opinions?


Nope. It's inappropriate. And she's flaunting it by continuing to see and talk to him after you've asked her to stop.

Reverse the situation. Let's say you have a platonic friend. But, your wife is very jealous of her and asks you to stop seeing her. Do you tell your wife to get lost? Or do you tell your wife that you'll end contact and then move the relationship underground? Or do you explain to your friend that, even though she's a friend, your marriage means more to you than any friendship could?

And really, how good of a friend could this guy be if they haven't kept in touch for years? Your wife is just crushing on this guy while playing you for a chump.

Install a keylogger and a VAR and tell her to end her contact with him or with you. Her choice.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Robmeofmysecurity said:


> Me and my wife have been together for 8 years, married for 4. I found out she was texting with a guy from high school for about a month and she went to his house twice late at night. She insist nothing happened but she will not delete him from her facebook page. Two months later I found out she was still talking (not as much) but she said she misses him(I found on her facebook). Now another two months later and she swears she doesn't talk to him but still won't delet him. What should I do? Can I trust her? Is it possible nothing really happened?


I have come to a place that has helped me out on these situations.

I have defined for myself that inapproprite behavior like this is inherently unfaithful. I think cheating is being unfaithful but in a more specific way. An EA that has begun from an inapropriate friendship and a PA are cheating. A friendship may be crossing boundaries and have unfaithful behavior that becomes an EA.

Unfaithful behavior is behvaior that is literally not fauthful their spouse:

Having secrets from your spouse is unfaithful.

Going to an opposite sex friends house is unfaithful under most circumstances.

Crossing agreed upon boundaries is unfaithful

Anything that works at odds with your spouse best interests and / or the marriage I would say is not being faithfull.

Unfaithful behavior often leads to cheating. But you do not have to have penetration to be unfaithful to a spouse.

Lying is unfaithful.

Having inapropriate contact with someone is unfaithful.

So how does this help me? We usually do not need to find that smoking gun, that proof of cheating to identify behavior as unfaithful.

I see too often people wondering if there is a problem. Then they describe a plethora of activities that are arguably unfaithful and then they ask are they cheating. Well maybe. BUT we know they are being unfaithful. Being unfaithful is enough to lose trust in someone IMO.

For me if my wife went to another man's house in this manner it would be a deal breaker. Is it likely there was cheating in your case? Sure. But I don't think you have to prove that. Her actions were unfaithful. She crossed a serious boundary or three.

The not deleting his account on facebook is a symptom but the bigger deal is that she put herself in a compromising position. She went there in secret ... right?

She is leaving the house and rather than telling you, hey I am going over this guys house, see ya or you going hey hon where are you off to, she just goes.

I in no way think it controlling for spouses to let the other know what they are doing. Now more wife might be out all day shopping and going from place to place. Cool. I don't need to know those specifics. But you what, she will usually give me a call and let me know her plans matter of factly. I do the same for her. Nothing at all to do with trust. But it does promote trust.

If my wife said she was going over a guys house, I just might say, hold up, I'm coming along.

Boundaries. Agreed upon boundaries are a must who are serious about being married.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

PHTlump said:


> Of course you can't trust her. She's behaving inappropriately with another man. The odds are very, very good that she's already slept with him.
> 
> Your choices here are to accept her actions or not. I don't think you should.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Robmeofmysecurity said:


> Just for the record they were friends in high school, and I was her first love and first everything pretty much. Does this change any opinions?


No.

Old lovers / flames are a no no in a serious relationship. Too risky. Ex lovers can pickup where they left off in a heartbeat.

I'll take this further, for some couples not having close opposite sex friends is a boundary.
It was not for me years ago. I found out it needed to be the hard way.

Lets be blunt here. The way you bed a married woman is to first become her friend. Then you start meeting some of her needs and start causing problems in her marriage. And so on.
Not just friends.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Your wife has been to this guy's house twice late at nite, and you are focusing on facebook contact----you need to get real here

What do you think she was doing, taking him some soup, cuz maybe he was feeling a little under the weather, or maybe she was out jogging, and his house was on her route, or lets get even more way out there---she went over to play scrabble----WAKE UP---YOU GOT A MAJOR PROBLEM

You are not bothered by the late nite visits---1st off what did she say were the circumstances---you shouldn't believe anything she says---but at least delve into her story, and push for some answers.

You need to find out if she had unprotected sex, if so---you both need testing

If she refuses to tell you what went on with those 2 late night visits, then make her take a poly

Also you better start doing some tracking, cuz she probably has been with him, a lot more than those 2 visits


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## Robmeofmysecurity (Aug 22, 2011)

Well, we had a huge fight and she claims nothing happened and it's nothing but still won't delete him. She says she loves me and wants to be with me but she said i treated her like **** for so long and I should be punished like she was. I am pretty sure she hasn't talked to him for two months because the last message I found was from June 8. I know I took her for granted and was combative. I have to accept that I wasn't a great husband or even good at times. I don't think I should end our marriage over this because there is a good chance she didn't have sex. I know they talked for three weeks because I found all old emails and texts. I have a 3 year old to think about too. Any thoughts?


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

If you agree that you need to some things to improve your end of the marriage I would recommend that you both call it a draw and put down your weapons. Then proceed to marriage counseling. I think you need to give her real commitment to change your end and I think she needs to delete that dude and give up the idea of punishing you to move forward. 

Basically if you think you need to and can improve and your comfortable she has maintained no contact for a while you both need to forgive and forget the past and start over. BUT she does need to delete that guy as a sign of respect for you and your marriage.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Focus on you and what she says you are doing to treat her like ****. She has sent up a flare - take heed. Get the love busters and emotional needs questionaires from the marriagebuilders.com website and both of you feel them out. Then sit down and ask questions of one another. Youa re NOT permitted to question or argue what the other wrote because it is their feelings. You are only allowed to try and understand WHY they feel way and HOW you can change your behavior to resolve that issue. Understand that one OH sh!t or love buster erases 20 atta boys. You both have to focus on what it takes to make each other happy and repair the marriage, not continue down the path of circling your own wagons, protecting yourself and making the other person feel like they and their feelings don't matter. Practice active listening - that is listening and not trying to fix or solve unless you are asked for help. We men always try to fix things and offer advice. Our wive want to know they are heard and listened to not helped. SO try listening and reflecting or parroting back what she says. If she says I fell like the boss at work is not understanding what I need. Respond back with, I understand you don't think your boss undestands your needs, why is that? Try to get to expand what she is saying and understand it. NEVER say "well you should tell him... or you shouldn't let him get away with that". Let her talk out and try to understand her - not fix or help unless she specifically says what would you do. WHat she did was wrong and she should understand she cheated even if it was only talk because she shared a part of herself that should only be for you. That boundary must never be crossed again and she should commit to that. If a marriage is based on fear and getting back at each other, it will NEVER last.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Oh and I agree, MC is a must with this meeting of another a topic of discussion.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

She knows your watching her. She may already be hiding communication, deleting texts email etc. Hope that's not the case. Otherwise why should she even care about seeing him on facebook.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Can she clarify punishment?
Please!!!
I really want to know


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Robmeofmysecurity said:


> Well, we had a huge fight and she claims nothing happened and it's nothing but still won't delete him. She says she loves me and wants to be with me but she said i treated her like **** for so long and I should be punished like she was. I am pretty sure she hasn't talked to him for two months because the last message I found was from June 8. I know I took her for granted and was combative. I have to accept that I wasn't a great husband or even good at times. I don't think I should end our marriage over this because there is a good chance she didn't have sex. I know they talked for three weeks because I found all old emails and texts. I have a 3 year old to think about too. Any thoughts?


Polygraph

AND she never acts unfaithful again like this. Whether she had sex with him or not going to his place late at night is unfaithful to you. A faithful wife does not do this. I never suggest a polygraph but in your case it makes sense.

Amongst other issues this is a boundary problem. I suggest doing His Needs Her Needs and working through the boundaries. You need to agree on boundaries. Even without a defined boundary a married woman does not act this way if she is faithful.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I'm all for fixing a marriage, but words like punishment are being used she is heading in the wrong direction of *love* she is indifferent.

That sucks she's mad at you for calling her out. She not mad at you she's mad b/c she can't see OM any more! 


Man up and quit fighting, show a confident man that does not fight, but when she settles down and want to discuss this crap at a normal level then the both of you can talk.

Why in the hell did you engage her? DO NOT GO DOWN THIS ROAD.
THIS IS THE OLD YOU COMING OUT AGAIN. WTF!!!!!!!! Look at me yelling....sorry

If you want to fight this infidelity crap then read up, do your research and make a plan.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Here Guy - a double gentlemans jack on ice!


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Heed Guys advice.


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## Simon Phoenix (Aug 9, 2010)

Oh man. This is a classic case of lost lovers. 

Let me get this straight. An old flame of hers reconnect on FB. They are communicating with each other, even after you find out. You tell her how you feel about the situation, only for her to ignore you and continue talking with him. Then she decides to go to his place LATE AT NIGHT not once but twice. Yet she tells you that nothing happened and you are the one being paranoid.

My man, don't get played for a fool. She slept with him, plain and simple. A woman showing up at another guy's house late at night, especially the home of a former flame has booty call written all over it. That is one polygraph test I'd love to see her pass. Was there any other reason she could give for going over there not once but twice, other than wanting a repeat performance?

Safe to say that this absolutely, positively UNACCEPTABLE. If you don't want to share her with another dude, I'd strongly suggest setting some boundaries and sticking to them. If she tells you to kick sand, have her served with the papers. 

Take it from someone whose WW did the exact same thing almost to the letter. She will not stop until you put your foot down like a man. Or you can buy the goods she's selling and watch her run over you like Earl Campbell. Your choice...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Give your 3 yr old an example of a healthy marriagen for the rest of there life by standing up to the simple princapal that you will not tolorate her behavior and will find some one that can give your kid a positive example of what it is to respect and have affection for some one you truely care about.

With out addressing this your child will grow up witnessing the unhealthy behavior your W will continue to exhibit. As your child gets older they will see there father get continuely walked on, only to to the same to there spouse.

Sorry if this is out of line and I may not be seeing the full picture, but this just my experince/ perspective with a 20 yr M and two grown kids. 

Basicly my parents didn't do me any favors


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Whatever you do is fine---BUT------

She has to go NC, before you can start any type of healing

No matter how bad you were in re: your 50% of the mge---YOU DID NOT TAKE UP WITH ANOTHER WOMAN---you did not do anything inapropos to the mge overall, in re: cheating with others, which is the most heinous crime that comes in the marital category----there are others that may not be far behind---drinking, abuse of all kind, etc., etc---but none of those is the equal of being cheated on

She refuses to give up contact with a guy she was so inapropriate with,-----for that just by itself you could legitimately end a mge., 

You are talking about apples and oranges

She can punish you all she wants for your being an improper marital partner---BUT SHE DOES NOT HAVE THE RIGHT TO CHEAT, AND CONTINUE CONTACT WITH A LOVER!!!!!!!!


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

robmeofmysecurity said:


> ...she went to his house twice late at night.


next!


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Robmeofmysecurity said:


> Well, we had a huge fight and she claims nothing happened and it's nothing but still won't delete him. She says she loves me and wants to be with me but she said i treated her like **** for so long and I should be punished like she was. I am pretty sure she hasn't talked to him for two months because the last message I found was from June 8. I know I took her for granted and was combative. I have to accept that I wasn't a great husband or even good at times. I don't think I should end our marriage over this because there is a good chance she didn't have sex. I know they talked for three weeks because I found all old emails and texts. I have a 3 year old to think about too. Any thoughts?


She loves you, but she doesn't respect you enough to stop carrying on with another man.

You have to decide whether you will accept this or not. If you accept it, then just give up. Tell her she is free to do whatever (although she already knows that) and stop worrying about her sex life. Hopefully, there will be something left over for you. Take care of your daughter while your wife is on dates.

If you won't accept it, then put our foot down. Apologize for past behavior and offer counseling, but say that none of that excuses her going nuclear with another man. Install a keylogger on your PC and a VAR under the seat of her car. Tell her if she wants a Facebook friend that badly, she can change her status to Single.

It's up to you.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

MrK said:


> next!


Deal breaker. Nothing else needed.


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## Robmeofmysecurity (Aug 22, 2011)

I want to believe what she is telling me, but I am obviously skeptical. Part of me believes she is telling the truth because I am the only guy she has ever been with or even kissed for that matter. She makes more money than I do so if she wanted to leave me she could have. She swears nothing happened they just watched movies (we are big on movies) and she promises not to talk to him again. Do I stay in detective mode, go for the poly, or just get over it and move on? It's been five months since I found out and she just wants me to move on, she says I'm driving myself crazy but I'm still thinking what if???


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Robmeofmysecurity said:


> I want to believe what she is telling me, but I am obviously skeptical. Part of me believes she is telling the truth because I am the only guy she has ever been with or even kissed for that matter. She makes more money than I do so if she wanted to leave me she could have. She swears nothing happened they just watched movies (we are big on movies) and she promises not to talk to him again. Do I stay in detective mode, go for the poly, or just get over it and move on? It's been five months since I found out and she just wants me to move on, she says I'm driving myself crazy but I'm still thinking what if???


You will always be in the detective mode from now on -- it's just the way it is given the history.

Maybe you can ask her to take a polygraph to relieve your mind?


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## Nikolas (Aug 22, 2011)

If you love her and want to keep her, DROP IT.. You don't want to come off as the insecure and possessive husband. Make her think you forgot about it, but at the same time keep tabs on her without her knowing, check her emails and gather the evidence.

If you can afford it, hire a detective.. I'm suggesting all this so you can put your mind at ease. Trust is vital in any Marriage, if you don't have it, your marriage is already in trouble.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Robmeofmysecurity said:


> I want to believe what she is telling me, but I am obviously skeptical. Part of me believes she is telling the truth because I am the only guy she has ever been with or even kissed for that matter. She makes more money than I do so if she wanted to leave me she could have. She swears nothing happened they just watched movies (we are big on movies) and she promises not to talk to him again. Do I stay in detective mode, go for the poly, or just get over it and move on? It's been five months since I found out and she just wants me to move on, she says I'm driving myself crazy but I'm still thinking what if???


Sorry of I missed the explanation, but where were you when she was over his house late at night. Did she sneak out of the house without you knowing?


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## Despair (Aug 22, 2011)

Robmeofmysecurity said:


> I want to believe what she is telling me, but I am obviously skeptical. Part of me believes she is telling the truth because I am the only guy she has ever been with or even kissed for that matter. She makes more money than I do so if she wanted to leave me she could have. She swears nothing happened they just watched movies (we are big on movies) and she promises not to talk to him again. Do I stay in detective mode, go for the poly, or just get over it and move on? It's been five months since I found out and she just wants me to move on, she says I'm driving myself crazy but I'm still thinking what if???


Oh man that sounds all to familiar. 

Did she tell you she was going there or did she sneak out? 

Since I was in the same situation, I did install the keylogger after she stated she was done with him but would not remove him from Facebook. 

She was still talking to him, and even when I confront her it was my fault for snooping. I was advised I was controlling and insecure and I believed it for awhile.

After awhile though, you need to realize - do you really want to know, is it something your gut is just nagging at your for? If so, I would also suggest a keylogger. With that said, if you do find something out - do not reveal your method! This was one of my mistakes and she checked for it daily afterwards and went out of her way to erase her tracks after saying she would straighten up. 

If she is telling the truth, then fine. Rarely is that the case, and with going over to his place twice - without you - just seems to be a duh scenario. I know looking back, there were a lot of red flags that I ignored because I felt like I needed hard proof but have learned what a previous post said. 

*Unfaithful behavior is behavior that is literally not faithful to their spouse.*

If you are looking for direct proof that tells you you are right, you may or may not find it. I just hope you do not just go detective mode like I did, it destroyed me as a person. Every thought for the majority of my day was about it, you are probably not like me but I do wish you good luck. Sorry you are having to deal with this.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

This happened to me to. Friend on facebook, inappropriate commenting and "loving this picture", constant texting. and ultimately the meeting up for lunch.(ha!)
That WAS one of the things that killed it for me. Not removing him from her friends list after what she already knew was inappropriate, and calling me jealous and controlling and all that b...sh....t.

Its all a sham man. You need to get her out of your life. Shes already slept with him, and just wants you around to help with laundry and chores. 
You need to close up shop and close it up for good. Her CHOICE above the wishes of her husband, was another man, and nothing proves this more than refusing your wishes on something so simple.

Dude, there are women out there, that will treat you right, that are dying for a good faithful man to come into their lives. Who already KNOW what is appropriate and not, go find one.
You choosing to live there and take it, has NOW become your own fault.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Robmeofmysecurity said:


> I want to believe what she is telling me, but I am obviously skeptical. Part of me believes she is telling the truth because I am the only guy she has ever been with or even kissed for that matter.


Correction. You WERE the only guy she has ever kissed, etc.



Robmeofmysecurity said:


> She makes more money than I do so if she wanted to leave me she could have.


Why would she do that? The only thing better than one man who wants you is two. She has you to take care of the house and kid and she has the OM for the naughty stuff.



Robmeofmysecurity said:


> She swears nothing happened they just watched movies (we are big on movies) and she promises not to talk to him again.


I can tell you that never, in the history of cheating wives, has a wife told a skeptical husband, "OK, you got me. I'll come totally clean." She will deny in the face of overwhelming evidence. There are stories of spouses denying when they were caught in bed with other people and arguing that it was innocent. She will only admit to what you already know.

As the 180 checklist says, "Don't believe anything that she says and only believe half of what she does."



Robmeofmysecurity said:


> Do I stay in detective mode, go for the poly, or just get over it and move on? It's been five months since I found out and she just wants me to move on, she says I'm driving myself crazy but I'm still thinking what if???


It depends on what you will do base on what you know. If you will stay with her no matter what, then drop it.

If you are willing to divorce her over an affair (depending on whether it's ongoing or short-term), then your first step is to install a keylogger on her PC and a VAR in her car. This will give you a little peace of mind. As for the poly. It depends. If she slept with him, will you divorce her? If you will, and you can't accept not knowing for sure, then get the poly. If you won't leave her, then forget it and just try to keep them apart.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Despair said:


> Oh man that sounds all to familiar.
> 
> Did she tell you she was going there or did she sneak out?
> 
> ...


Exactly. Unfaithful behavior is not just about some sexual act. It is a broader deal IMO. Behavior that is counter to a relationship is not being faithful. It undermines the relationship. That can be manifested in a number of ways. Going to mans house at night is definitely in that category whether or not anything else happened.


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## lht285 (Aug 25, 2011)

Robmeofmysecurity said:


> I want to believe what she is telling me, but I am obviously skeptical. Part of me believes she is telling the truth because I am the only guy she has ever been with or even kissed for that matter. She makes more money than I do so if she wanted to leave me she could have. She swears nothing happened they just watched movies (we are big on movies) and she promises not to talk to him again. Do I stay in detective mode, go for the poly, or just get over it and move on? It's been five months since I found out and she just wants me to move on, she says I'm driving myself crazy but I'm still thinking what if???


She does not want to leave you, she wants to have her cake and eat it too. You are her comfort spot. Did she say she was going to go and watch a movie with him? Did you know in advance that she was going over there? From the first part of your post this was not the case. Whether she makes more money than you is a rationale you are using at the moment to talk yourself out of the fact that there is a problem. 

You need to ask her what is lacking in your marriage that would make her want to go watch movies with him instead of with you. She does not seem to be at all worried about your feelings by telling you to get over it. I would not go as deep as a polygraph but I might start checking the laundry. I would also see if your sexual relations change, if it becomes more sexy time then she could be feeling guilty and is giving you more sex because she thinks you will stop worrying because you are getting what you want, if there is less sexy time or none then she obviously is not getting the interaction she needs to feel desire for you, so she may be getting it somewhere else.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Dude. She was at his house twice... drop her like it's hot.


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## Robmeofmysecurity (Aug 22, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Dude. She was at his house twice... drop her like it's hot.


It's not that simple. She is a good person, except for this of course. When she got home the second night she didn't run to the shower, or try to hide. I called her out right away. She was sorry but blamed me for being so unhappy for so long. I asked her why didn't she just talk to me instead of letting it get this far. She said she tried but I wouldn't listen. When she is not at work she spends all of her time with me and the kid. Before and after affair. She just won't delete the facebook loser because if she does than "I win". WTF? Are all women this crazy? Do they not think rationally? Like I'm not hurt enough, she doesn't think I should get off so easy. I snatched her phone while she was on Facebook and found messages to him but they were two months old. I guess I need to get a keylogger and find out what is really going on. Any recommendations?


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

It really kinda is that simple, it's a fact. What you and she do with that fact and the consequences are what's complicated. 

You're supposed to win this one, you're her husband, the facebook dude (FBD - hey look I created a new acronym for TAM!!  ) is her affair partner. She's gas lighting you on this. She has to delete the FBD before the two of you can move on - it's symbolic if nothing else. A symbol of her picking you and your marriage over FBD. If you resume your marriage and FBD is still in the picture she's cake eating.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Further thought...

I get what you're saying. I was the cheater in my marriage and I'm not a bad person either. But since I'm the one who went outside my marriage it was and is incumbent upon me to do the things necessary for my wife and I to move past my infidelity, things like de-friending (is that a word??) and blocking the OW from my facebook. I did that and more, no questions asked, showed my wife and asked her if there was anything else she wanted me to do. These are the things remorseful waywards do to reassure their loyal spouses. 

I know she doesn't want to delete him, but it's not because "you win." It's because she wants to be able to maintain some attachment to FBD, even if it's just to look dreamily at his facebook page once a day. It has to be no contact, and FBD remaining on her facebook account is contact - even if they don't communicate it's still an emotional attachment for your wife.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Robmeofmysecurity said:


> It's not that simple. She is a good person, except for this of course. When she got home the second night she didn't run to the shower, or try to hide. I called her out right away. She was sorry but blamed me for being so unhappy for so long. I asked her why didn't she just talk to me instead of letting it get this far. She said she tried but I wouldn't listen.


Classic blame shifting. It's your fault she had to cheat. She had no choice. She would never have cheated if you hadn't made her do it. I suppose she told you explicitly that she was so unhappy she was about to cheat on you and you ignored it, right? No? She just dropped a few hints and when you didn't pick up her meaning, she felt like she had free reign to get some action on the side, right?



Robmeofmysecurity said:


> When she is not at work she spends all of her time with me and the kid. Before and after affair. She just won't delete the facebook loser because if she does than "I win". WTF? Are all women this crazy? Do they not think rationally? Like I'm not hurt enough, she doesn't think I should get off so easy. I snatched her phone while she was on Facebook and found messages to him but they were two months old. I guess I need to get a keylogger and find out what is really going on. Any recommendations?


You don't need a keylogger. A keylogger is for after your wife deletes him and promises no more contact. Then, you use a kelogger to verify her actions. Your wife is telling you to get lost. If she won't delete the guy, promise no contact, and take steps to repair the damage she's done, then you have to decide whether you will accept that or whether you will divorce her.


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## Robmeofmysecurity (Aug 22, 2011)

PHTlump, she told me she was unhappy, but she never really talked about any solution. I thought we just hit a rough spot, and we would eventually get through it. I am also afraid if I cut off contact with her it will just drive her away, either to FBD or somebody else. I still really love her.


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## Robmeofmysecurity (Aug 22, 2011)

sigma1299 said:


> Further thought...
> 
> 
> I know she doesn't want to delete him, but it's not because "you win." It's because she wants to be able to maintain some attachment to FBD, even if it's just to look dreamily at his facebook page once a day. It has to be no contact, and FBD remaining on her facebook account is contact - even if they don't communicate it's still an emotional attachment for your wife.



That's exactly what I was thinking.


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## Robmeofmysecurity (Aug 22, 2011)

Now she wants us to go on a romantic vacation this weekend. She just wants me to pretend like nothing happened. I'm really getting frustrated because I want to be with her but my anger over her not deleting FBD is really bothering me.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Robmeofmysecurity said:


> PHTlump, she told me she was unhappy, but she never really talked about any solution. I thought we just hit a rough spot, and we would eventually get through it.


Right. Obviously, you should have taken her seriously and changed the relationship dynamic. But, that still doesn't give her the right to cheat. Before cheating, she should have either divorced you, or told you explicitly, "I have a date tonight for sex with another man because I'm unhappy. Is that OK?" That is fair warning. Anything less is just being wishy washy.



Robmeofmysecurity said:


> I am also afraid if I cut off contact with her it will just drive her away, either to FBD or somebody else. I still really love her.


She may do just that. Or she may delete FBD and start showing the remorse and commitment to you that you desire. If you are that scared to leave her, then you should stop asking her to delete FBD and accept your status quo. By continuing to ask her to delete him and by her refusing, you are lowering your value in her eyes. Either treat it like a big deal and threaten some real consequences, or treat it like a small deal and move on. You can't say it's a big deal, but refuse to do anything about it.


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## Robmeofmysecurity (Aug 22, 2011)

PHTlump said:


> Right. Obviously, you should have taken her seriously and changed the relationship dynamic. But, that still doesn't give her the right to cheat. Before cheating, she should have either divorced you, or told you explicitly, "I have a date tonight for sex with another man because I'm unhappy. Is that OK?" That is fair warning. Anything less is just being wishy washy.
> 
> 
> She may do just that. Or she may delete FBD and start showing the remorse and commitment to you that you desire. If you are that scared to leave her, then you should stop asking her to delete FBD and accept your status quo. By continuing to ask her to delete him and by her refusing, you are lowering your value in her eyes. Either treat it like a big deal and threaten some real consequences, or treat it like a small deal and move on. You can't say it's a big deal, but refuse to do anything about it.


Point taken.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Obviously your mge., has communication problems, and needs counseling, but NOT UNTIL SHE GOES NC

Stop allowing this to be swept under the rug

She does not get to win---she cheated---she has to be held accountable

She has to be completely remorseful, contrite, and DO ALL THE HEAVY LIFTING to get back into the family, and make the mge work

You do not go on a nice vacation, you do not go on ANY vacation till she goes NC, and becomes fully remorseful

Whether you wanna hear it or not, you don't have a mge., right now---you have a 3SOME----you have a wife that went to another man's home, ---I don't care what she did over there, she went, she went late at night, you have no idea what really went on over there---by the way have you and her been tested for STD

Your mge., may have problems, that still does not give her the right to have a male friend that she refuses to drop contact with, and whom she sees at his house late at night----ALSO HOW DO YOU KNOW SHE IS NOT STILL IN CONTACT----there are numerous ways to be in contact with someone, and you will NEVER KNOW.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Unfortunately it MAY take you telling your wife that you SINCERELY want a divorce before she MAY be willing do the things you need to feel safe being married to her.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Go to his Facebook page and message all his family members and friends , state that he is committing adultery with your wife , there is a Facebook message template available should you need one. The outcome is his affair is exposed , he may even lock his Facebook page down and block her .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

Robmeofmysecurity said:


> It's not that simple. She is a good person, except for this of course.


You are making excuses for her and in denial, I did the same thing.



> She was sorry but blamed me for being so unhappy for so long. I asked her why didn't she just talk to me instead of letting it get this far. She said she tried but I wouldn't listen.


She wants is to be your fault because she doesn't want to accept that what she did was wrong and unjustified. She did it simply because she was selfish, if things were really that bad she would have gone to IC or simply left you without running to someone else.



> She just won't delete the facebook loser because if she does than "I win". WTF? Are all women this crazy?


This is highly disrespectful. She actually sees you as the enemy of her selfishness and "fun". If my W said something like this I would have picked her up and literally put her out our door. You should have been like delete him from FB or I delete you from my life. It's time to man up and not let her treat you like a sap.



> Do they not think rationally?


No, its very much irrational which is why things like reverse physiology and acting tough with them work far better than being nice and understanding.



> Like I'm not hurt enough, she doesn't think I should get off so easy.


She doesn't care about your feelings, it only about her feelings. You acting hurt looks like a weakness from her POV.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

Robmeofmysecurity said:


> Now she wants us to go on a romantic vacation this weekend. She just wants me to pretend like nothing happened.


This is just an attempt to pacify you and rug sweep. Don't get too excited that she is really wanting to R. When they are truly remorseful they will say you are the best thing that happened to them and what happen was all their fault, not yours. Also that will kill their FB account.



> I'm really getting frustrated because I want to be with her but my anger over her not deleting FBD is really bothering me.


It should bother you, she doesn't want to give up the A. She is not taking you seriously and she is using your love for her against you. 

She needs to be afraid that you will leave her so she will be motivated to do the right things. You can't "nice" someone out of an affair, it NEVER works.


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## cdm369 (Aug 27, 2011)

Robmeofmysecurity said:


> Me and my wife have been together for 8 years, married for 4. I found out she was texting with a guy from high school for about a month and she went to his house twice late at night. She insist nothing happened but she will not delete him from her facebook page. Two months later I found out she was still talking (not as much) but she said she misses him(I found on her facebook). Now another two months later and she swears she doesn't talk to him but still won't delet him. What should I do? Can I trust her? Is it possible nothing really happened?


Been in your situation before. Mine did not turn out so well. When people act
like they are hiding something its because they are.they will deny it til the minute you have definitive proof and when you have that it will be your fault. Gotta put your foot down and make her decide what's important to her. There is nothing I wouldn't do to make my fiance comfortable concerning who I talk to or associate with. It should be that way both ways. I could leave my phone with my fiance for a whole day.....give her the password to my facebook....or anything she wanted and it wouldn't bother me. And don't let her throw this invasion of privacy**** at you. If she ain't got nothing to hide then privacy isn't an issue. But you gotta make her discuss this or it will eat you alive.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

cdm369 said:


> Been in your situation before. Mine did not turn out so well. When people act
> like they are hiding something its because they are.they will deny it til the minute you have definitive proof and when you have that it will be your fault. Gotta put your foot down and make her decide what's important to her. There is nothing I wouldn't do to make my fiance comfortable concerning who I talk to or associate with. It should be that way both ways. I could leave my phone with my fiance for a whole day.....give her the password to my facebook....or anything she wanted and it wouldn't bother me. And don't let her throw this invasion of privacy**** at you. If she ain't got nothing to hide then privacy isn't an issue. But you gotta make her discuss this or it will eat you alive.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Married people do not need privacy. The whole point of marriage is that two people become one. Keeping secrets after marriage is being unfaithful. 

GET the keylogger. She may have secret email etc. Facebook is just one of many ways she may be communicating. Have you put VAR in car? If not why not?


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## StrangerThanFiction (Jul 19, 2011)

Two things about your situation would bother me tremendously. First - the two night time meetings between your wife and this other man. I don't think that I could get it out of my head that it was more than just a movie. That just doesn't make a lot of sense, unless your wife routinely leaves at night to visit other friends, etc.

I found myself in a similar situation where my wife developed an emotional attachment to a former high school boyfriend through facebook. When it came to light, I told her i thought it inappropriate and asked her to remove him as a facebook friend, but not in the form of an ultimatum. She said she'd think about it but didn't remove him. Since I knew they weren't communicating, i let it go at the time, but it still bothered me. Several weeks later the conversation came up again, and I mentioned that her refusing to unfriend this person was a hindrance to me trusting her again. Still no unfriending at that time. 

Finally a month or so later the topic came up again for a different reason. She had written happy birthday on his wall and told me about it, since I would have noticed it myself in time. I sort of flipped and had had enough I guess. I told her that her refusal to unfriend him and that everytime I saw his face come up on her facebook basically felt like a slap in my face and that I felt completely disrespected. She did unfriend him that day and later apologized for being hard-hearted about it.

in my situation, the disrespect by choosing a facebook fantasy friend over her husbands wishes started becoming a huge deal to me.

you have the added complication of a potential physical affair between them...


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## Cypress (May 26, 2011)

Rob,

You are competing with her fantasy guy. If she had spent enough time with him she would realize that he has bad breath, leaves the seat up, thinks farting is funny, takes control of the remote, leaves his clothes on the floor, can't boil water, ignores her when watching TV and is online too much. He is like any other guy (sorry guys, I know this is a generalization)

Go on the trip with her. Be her knight, let her be the princess. Don't smother her, be slightly detached. But let her know by your actions that you are the leader in the marriage. Oh, and its okay to ravage a princess. 

Cypress


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## Robmeofmysecurity (Aug 22, 2011)

Cypress said:


> Rob,
> 
> 
> Go on the trip with her. Be her knight, let her be the princess. Don't smother her, be slightly detached. But let her know by your actions that you are the leader in the marriage. Oh, and its okay to ravage a princess.
> ...


She gave me all her passwords and told me how much she loves me and she was sorry. So we went on our one night get away and it was perfect. Oh, and she got ravaged. Thanks for the advice Cypress.


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