# Now what?



## tryingtointerpret (Jun 25, 2018)

My wife admitted to an affair where she saw the OM 2 times over that past year. This happens to be an old bf prior to our marriage of 15 years. She said I didn't pay enough emotional attention to her and we became apart. I was busy with our business, getting it off the ground and trying to make ends meet. As the business started growing, it demanded more time from me. I always thought our marriage was rock solid, but apparently it wasn't. I'll admit, i spent a lot of time at work trying to support the family and I did not nurture our relationship. About 5 years ago was her cry for help. She told me that she was lonely. We'd go on a trip and all seemed well after. Then I started hearing the D word, but never took it seriously. Well last month we were talking and she flat out told me she had an affair, twice with the same guy. The guy is divorced and kidless, so nothing at stake on his part. She said the affair was her way of ending the marriage. She no longer wanted to be married and made the decision to have the affair (so she says). Since then, we've talked heavily with professional counselors. She's remorseful about the affair and I vowed to hire a manager so I can spend more time cultivating our marriage. We are both working at the marriage, but I am having a serious trust issue here. Is her excuse a typical one to get out of the marriage? Why not just file for D, then have the affair? I hope to resolve the marriage. Just wanting your point of views.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

tryingtointerpret said:


> She's remorseful about the affair


Sorry you're here TTI.

It would help us help you, if you will kindly describe what convinces you that she is now remorseful. What has she done to demonstrate it?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

tryingtointerpret said:


> My wife admitted to an affair where she saw the OM 2 times over that past year. This happens to be an old bf prior to our marriage of 15 years. * She said I didn't pay enough emotional attention to her and we became apart. *] I was busy with our business, getting it off the ground and trying to make ends meet. As the business started growing, it demanded more time from me. I always thought our marriage was rock solid, but apparently it wasn't. I'll admit, i spent a lot of time at work trying to support the family and I did not nurture our relationship. About 5 years ago was her cry for help. She told me that she was lonely. We'd go on a trip and all seemed well after. Then I started hearing the D word, but never took it seriously. Well last month we were talking and she flat out told me she had an affair, twice with the same guy. The guy is divorced and kidless, so nothing at stake on his part. She said the affair was her way of ending the marriage. She no longer wanted to be married and made the decision to have the affair (so she says). Since then, we've talked heavily with professional counselors. *She's remorseful about the affair * and I vowed to hire a manager so I can spend more time cultivating our marriage. We are both working at the marriage, but I am having a serious trust issue here. Is her excuse a typical one to get out of the marriage? Why not just file for D, then have the affair? I hope to resolve the marriage. Just wanting your point of views.


The two bolded sentences are incongruous with each other. She is NOT remorseful. A remorseful wayward would not blame their cheating on their betrayed spouse. 

So while you were busting your ass to make a living for the family and create a nest-egg for you and her, she was out banging her old boyfriend. She sounds like a typical weak, selfish, entitled cheater...a run of the mill liar and adulterer. There isn't anything special about her. 

Let me ask you...what if you were a soldier who had to spend most of the first five years of the marriage deployed? What would she do then? There are thousands of military wives out there who NEVER see their husbands, for years on end...who don't cheat. What is your wife's excuse?


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

tryingtointerpret said:


> Is her excuse a typical one to get out of the marriage? Why not just file for D, then have the affair? I hope to resolve the marriage. Just wanting your point of views.


All excuses are just that, she is blaming you for her finding sex outside the marriage and you are lapping it up.

She probably didn't want to file for D until she found a suitable provider to take on all her baggage. Too bad that doesn't usually exist in extramarital affairs. Its just sex for men and they don't want your wife for anything more. Besides, she always has you in case OM turns out to be a bad gamble.

So, what is it that is keeping you with a cheater? Finances, children, fear of change? Must be something besides love. You can find that anywhere without all the trauma that comes with staying with a cheater.


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## BarbedFenceRider (Mar 30, 2018)

Active planning for an affair cause she was lonely? Really? Like that blame shifting game hasn't been played before. You were trying to be the provider with a business and a home maker. While you did have neglect issues, you at least addressed them and you didn't stray either. She is broken. You don't need to be giving her excuses or a weak positioned partner begging for her love. You need to get OUT of infidelity. I am so sorry you are here.

I do not think that she is remorseful anyway...There will be plenty here who will explain that fully. She wanted out of the marriage, then why wait two years. No, she decieved and used you as the provider. Then mister ole' boyfriend with the large appendage filled in her need for excitement. That trust is long gone. You are and will be relegated to the "plan b" husband if you stay. Maybe that works for you, but it will grow resentment in time. It always does.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Take responsibility of 50% the marriage failing. Your W can take 100% of the affair. I see you said she did state she was lonely. You booked a trip. Relationships require attention daily. Own the part for the cry for help a bandage was put on where stitches were required. Sorry. Still, an affair is not the answer. Blame shifting she is. 

It appears this was an exit affair. Your W was willing to lose the marriage to save it from what I'm reading. However, OM is not the way to do it. Your WW should have filed for D. Apparently your WW threatened D.

Trust is gone I see. What is your WW doing to build trust again?


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

"Is her excuse a typical one to get out of the marriage?"

It's the 'typical' excuse of a cheater who is remorseless and entitled. Every marriage and relationship goes through period of neglect and focus elsewhere. That's when re-commitment and communication come into play. For those that choose cheating as filler and an eventual way out once they get to entranced with the feel-good chemicals and unicorns ... I'm surprised you didn't hear more of the cliches but they may be on the way still.


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## BarbedFenceRider (Mar 30, 2018)

Monkey branching and hypergamy...

Also, when she divorces, she is counting on half of that business you busted your ass for. Just sayin'


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## tryingtointerpret (Jun 25, 2018)

I say she was remorseful because she confessed to the affair and told me that she was truly sorry for hurting me. She could have lied about it and denied it. She told me that she would seek counseling and talk to our pastor to ask for God's forgiveness. It seems like she wants to make it work..If not, what do I need to look for to make it work with her?


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

tryingtointerpret said:


> I say she was remorseful because she confessed to the affair and told me that she was truly sorry for hurting me. She could have lied about it and denied it. She told me that she would seek counseling and talk to our pastor to ask for God's forgiveness. It seems like she wants to make it work..If not, what do I need to look for to make it work with her?


God may forgive her.
Doesn’t mean you have to.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

tryingtointerpret said:


> My wife admitted to an affair where she saw the OM 2 times over that past year. This happens to be an old bf prior to our marriage of 15 years. She said I didn't pay enough emotional attention to her and we became apart. I was busy with our business, getting it off the ground and trying to make ends meet. As the business started growing, it demanded more time from me. I always thought our marriage was rock solid, but apparently it wasn't. I'll admit, i spent a lot of time at work trying to support the family and I did not nurture our relationship. About 5 years ago was her cry for help. She told me that she was lonely. We'd go on a trip and all seemed well after. Then I started hearing the D word, but never took it seriously. Well last month we were talking and she flat out told me she had an affair, twice with the same guy. The guy is divorced and kidless, so nothing at stake on his part. She said the affair was her way of ending the marriage. She no longer wanted to be married and made the decision to have the affair (so she says). Since then, we've talked heavily with professional counselors. She's remorseful about the affair and I vowed to hire a manager so I can spend more time cultivating our marriage. We are both working at the marriage, but I am having a serious trust issue here. Is her excuse a typical one to get out of the marriage? Why not just file for D, then have the affair? I hope to resolve the marriage. Just wanting your point of views.


Not enough attention and lonely are very common reasons that cheating wives give to justify their actions. 

It is BS. They do it because they want to do it. They make up all kinds of "reasons" to blame it on you. Remember, you did not cause it, she did.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

No advice to the OP, but l can't understand people that are cheated by their partner and are still wondering what to do.

This is the way it should be in my opinion, because I have zero tolerance to cheating: it does not matter the who, why, when, where, it just matter that it did. Marriage over. No crying, anguishing over it. Just that it's over, period. That's what people with self respect and enough balls to carry on do, regardless of their situation, whether, economic, children, emotional, etc. It all comes down to not being able to tolerate it. Otherwise, it just will happens again with another silly excuse as that of "you were not paying sufficient attention to me". So pathetic.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

tryingtointerpret said:


> My wife admitted to an affair where she saw the OM 2 times over that past year. This happens to be an old bf prior to our marriage of 15 years. She said I didn't pay enough emotional attention to her and we became apart. I was busy with our business, getting it off the ground and trying to make ends meet. As the business started growing, it demanded more time from me. I always thought our marriage was rock solid, but apparently it wasn't. I'll admit, i spent a lot of time at work trying to support the family and I did not nurture our relationship. About 5 years ago was her cry for help. She told me that she was lonely. We'd go on a trip and all seemed well after. Then I started hearing the D word, but never took it seriously. Well last month we were talking and she flat out told me she had an affair, twice with the same guy. The guy is divorced and kidless, so nothing at stake on his part. She said the affair was her way of ending the marriage. She no longer wanted to be married and made the decision to have the affair (so she says). Since then, we've talked heavily with professional counselors. She's remorseful about the affair and I vowed to hire a manager so I can spend more time cultivating our marriage. We are both working at the marriage, but I am having a serious trust issue here. Is her excuse a typical one to get out of the marriage? Why not just file for D, then have the affair? I hope to resolve the marriage. Just wanting your point of views.


Cheater speak. Blameshifting her affair onto you. Apparently it's working.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

tryingtointerpret said:


> My wife admitted to an affair where she saw the OM 2 times over that past year. This happens to be an old bf prior to our marriage of 15 years. She said I didn't pay enough emotional attention to her and we became apart. I was busy with our business, getting it off the ground and trying to make ends meet. As the business started growing, it demanded more time from me. I always thought our marriage was rock solid, but apparently it wasn't. I'll admit, i spent a lot of time at work trying to support the family and I did not nurture our relationship. About 5 years ago was her cry for help. She told me that she was lonely. We'd go on a trip and all seemed well after. Then I started hearing the D word, but never took it seriously. Well last month we were talking and she flat out told me she had an affair, twice with the same guy. The guy is divorced and kidless, so nothing at stake on his part. She said the affair was her way of ending the marriage. She no longer wanted to be married and made the decision to have the affair (so she says). Since then, we've talked heavily with professional counselors. She's remorseful about the affair and I vowed to hire a manager so I can spend more time cultivating our marriage. We are both working at the marriage, but I am having a serious trust issue here. Is her excuse a typical one to get out of the marriage? Why not just file for D, then have the affair? I hope to resolve the marriage. Just wanting your point of views.


Well continuing her logic you should be entitled to have an affair now right? After all she cheated on you. If being faithful is only required when your spouse provides everything you need then using her logic you have no requirement anymore to do so. She has not provided the fidelity you require right? Ask her that. Tell her since she has been unfaithful and you are unhappy you are going find someone else to make you happy. Tell her you will tell her after the fact if ever. If she balks ask her what the difference is. Why is she the only one who gets to look outside the marriage to fix problems inside it. 

See what I did there, her reasons are bull**** and you should tell her so. I really get tired of this crap, my paragraph above explains why. 

Anyway only you can decide if you want to stay. I would move on, the damage is done. She doesn't even sound remorseful. I hope you told the whole world by the way her family and his wife. It's the least they both deserve. Next time be more attuned to your new wife's loneliness or hope she does the honorable thing and divorces you if not.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

tryingtointerpret said:


> I say she was remorseful because she confessed to the affair and told me that she was truly sorry for hurting me. She could have lied about it and denied it. She told me that she would seek counseling and talk to our pastor to ask for God's forgiveness. It seems like she wants to make it work..If not, what do I need to look for to make it work with her?



You can't make her do anything.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

tryingtointerpret said:


> *My wife admitted to an affair where she saw the OM 2 times over that past year.* This happens to be an old bf prior to our marriage of 15 years. She said I didn't pay enough emotional attention to her and we became apart.


TTI,

1 year affair, only met for sex 2 times... brother she be lying.


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## OutofRetirement (Nov 27, 2017)

RWB said:


> TTI,
> 
> 1 year affair, only met for sex 2 times... brother she be lying.


Agreed. 2 times seems to be the number cheaters think would be believable.


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## OutofRetirement (Nov 27, 2017)

Why did she confess?

She was planning to divorce you, then she for some reason changed her mind

According to her, her plan was (1) cheat, then (2) let you find out, then (3) let you divorce her. I.E., and "exit" affair. So what went wrong? Did she not cheat obviously enough for you to figure it out on your own (i.e., you were too busy to notice her cheating?)

Now she says she doesn't want to divorce you? Is that right?

I truly don't understand her motivations. Have you asked her what her thoughts were as she processed through the affair? To be honest, from the way you explain it, not much of it makes sense.

I don't want to limit the possibilities, but cheaters are typically extremely narrow as far as types of behaviors they exhibit - what they say, what they do. Like "not enough attention." That's like number one with a bullet for cheating wives. Either "not enough attention," or other guy showed a lot more attention. Validation. Basically trade sex for feel good validations. And then, I think, if it goes on long enough, like a month or more, they start to fall "in love." If that doesn't happen when the lead-up to the physical act. So your wife seems right in the pocket for her excuses as far as attention. 

But listen, "exit affair," a purposeful affair to get out - cheaters don't even say that, not right off the bat. Maybe after they read up a bit, then kind of grab hold of it and don't let go. I'm not a big believer in it, but I won't completely discount it being possible. Maybe when it's a so-called "unconscious" that they somehow realize it later on. Because if a cheater is bold enough to cheat, but not bold enough to file divorce - I just don't think the bold cheater is timid about divorcing. More likely, I think, she wanted to keep the marriage and the stability/finances/REPUTATION, and keep it on the side. Until the guy is ready, assuming she can be "proud" of the guy in public, when she openly is with him. Tell me about the guy. Did he ever get married? Why is he in the situation he's in?

Now, the answer to your question: You are asking the wrong question. Imagine your car broke down. It made a repetitive noise, a loud pinging, getting louder, then it died. And though you don't know what's wrong with the car, you are asking us how the car can be fixed. First you have to find out what's wrong, what caused it to happen, how expensive it will be, and IF it can even be fixed at all. So basically, you kind of have to slow down and figure it out. Which, unfortunately your wife is not a car, so you have a lot less control on figuring out why a wife broke down and how to fix it than you would have with a car.

It's OK to have a preference to WANTING to stay married. But I think you are getting ahead of yourself. You are assuming that cheaters who confess and saying they want to work it out actually DO want to work it out, or moreso, are capable to work it out. I'll say this, if she is blaming you for the cheating, then she's not ready. She has to own it. No doubt all of us have actions, and we influence others. But your actions of working too much for your family, in the scope of all bad vices you could have, it seems like it's not real terrible. Almost definitely, other man has vices way worse than your terrible habit of wanting to provide for your family. 

Which is not to say that workaholism is good. But when you are opening a business, and the work is actually needed, I don't define that as workaholism. I would assume that there was a vision that in the future you would be more settled, and you would be able to ease off significantly. And your hard work for a number of short years would pay off with wealth/financial security for a much longer period.

I also am making a big assumption. You mention your wife dropping the "divorce" at some point. How long ago did that start? After the affair was started, or that she already "felt" something for him? You mention her saying she was "lonely" about five years ago, then she seemed better after you went on a vacation. Like it was a temporary build-up, then she dropped it for a while. I think things like that happen in most relationships, romantic or not. There are friction points, sometimes it builds up and blows up, then it settles over. It's probably not the only topic in your marriage where there are recurring minor problems. She did enjoy the money you made, right?

Last question: If you worked so much, and didn't see much of her, and she cheated for a year, and you didn't notice, and now she's blaming you, why do you want to stay married? Is it kind of knee-jerk reaction? Like, you never wanted to divorce, so you are saying you want to stay married? But you haven't considered the new circumstances, of which you still don't have the reasons of how it happened.

Really last question: Did she ever show you any appreciation for all your time and work? Or just criticism and an affair?


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

1) First and foremost, your spouse is a person of low character (I would prefer to say pig, but that might be too "mean")
2) Second - The affair is not nor will it ever be your fault
3) Lawyer. Today. Know your rights. Start the Divorce. Start to get primary rights to your kids (if you have some). You can always stop the process in the future
4) Doctor - get STD/STI/HIV tests started. Your life depends on it!
5) Counselor for you. One that has experience with infidelity. You're going to need to talk with someone about this.
6) Get a good VAR (voice activated recorder). Keep it on you at all times your cheater is around you - this will protect you in case your cheater goes rogue and attempts to make DV (or whatever type of) claims
7) Eat.
8) Sleep (at least 8 hours a night if possible)
9) Drink water (avoid alcohol at this point, it won't help)
10) Get to gym and start working out - it helps the body, the mind, and the soul
11) Start to separate funds
12) 180 like your life depended on it.
12a) A thought exercise that might help with the 180 is to realize that your cheating spouse simply didn't love you as much as you love them
12b) A thought exercise that will eventually help in the 180. Any and all questions in regards to their cheating is answered simply as "Because". No more, no less. It's an amazingly simplistic answer that enrages everyone in the beginning, but becomes unbelievably crystal clear once you reach the correct level in your healing and detachment
13) DNA your kids. Not so much to see if they are yours (hopefully they are), but to show her that you can't trust anything about her (again, if you have them)
14) Expose. Lies thrive in the dark.
15) Remember, 99.999% of everything that comes out of their mouth will be a lie in regards to the affair. They will minimize everything.
16) Don't know who originally posted it, but they are a genius:

Just Let Them Go

The end result?

The end result is to respect yourself in the end, let go of the people that don't value you or respect you.

That is the end result.

The quickest way to get a cheating spouse back is to let them go with a smile on your face wishing them the best in life and hoping that everything works out in their relationship with their affair partner.

Seriously, the quickest way to get them back.

Nothing else works better or quicker.

Let them go.

Agree with them and their feelings,
"you should be with the OM, I hope he makes you happy, good bye"

Wouldn't that be true love?

If you really loved your spouse, and wanted them to have what they really want in life which is the other person they're in love with, wouldn't letting them go be the approach if you really love them?

Why focus on the affair or the drama associated with it?
Just let them go. Give them their freedom.

You can take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror everyday and improve yourself but do it for you, not for someone else, the changes will never stick when it's done for someone else, do it for your benefit and you will probably make those changes last much longer if not indefinitely - because it's for your benefit and you realize the importance and value in that benefit because YOU are involved.

I will never tell someone to change to entice a WAW back when she's been cheating on him. I don't care how bad a marriage, there is never an excuse for cheating. That is a personal decision that someone makes to cheat on their spouse. If a marriage is really bad, leave, get a divorce, speak up to your spouse and tell them flat out "this marriage sucks and if things don't change I'm going to leave you and find someone better" and if things don't improve, leave that person.

But cheating, no excuses.

Think about cheating.
A wayward spouse who cheats on their spouse goes behind their back, secretly, telling lies, feeling guilty, getting angry at their spouse for getting in the way of their fantasies but never owning up to their actions, never admitting what they're doing. If a person who cheats on their spouse felt justified in their actions, why hide and go behind their spouses backs when they start cheating, why lie, why make up excuses about late nights at work and going to a friends place and sleeping over because they drank too much and any other such nonsense?

Deep down, the cheating spouse knows there is something inherently wrong with their actions otherwise they wouldn't lie about their actions and hide what they're doing.

Fighting the affair? For what reason?
To compete with the OM or OW for your spouse?
What message does that communicate to your wayward spouse?
They have lots of value and you have none because now you have to compete with another person for their love? Competing with your wayward spouse's affair partner never works, it just prolongs an ugly drama filled process.

The easiest way to show you will not tolerate cheating in your relationship is to let that person go. That is the easiest and most effective way to show this.

"Look wife/husband, I won't be in an open relationship with you, I won't give you X number of days, weeks, months to make your mind, if you really feel like you need to sit on the fence on this decision and can't decide between your affair partner and me well I will make the decision for you, you can be with them because I'm no longer an option. I love you and wish you a good life with them and hope it works out for you because it didn't work out for us. Now the best thing we can do for each other is to make this process as graceful and peaceful as possible for us and our children, I'll contact a lawyer/mediator and get started on the process of our legal separation/divorce."

You give them what they want.
You don't fight them on this issue.
You agree with their feelings,
they want to be with the other person, fine they should be with the other person, let them be with the other person.

You will never convince a person to change their feelings with your arguments and logic. You can not find one member on this website in a situation where they are dealing with infidelity where they got their spouse to change their mind about how they feel about their affair partner.

You can't say "don't love them, love me instead",
you can't say "look at me, I'm better in every way compared to your affair partner, pick me instead of them",
you can't say "you took marriage vows, you promised to love me"

I agree, you don't have to make it easy for your wayward spouse to have an affair, but when you let them go, "lovingly detach", you don't have to worry about making it easy for them. It's no longer your concern, they can have you or them but not both and not at the same time and since they've chosen to have an affair, they've made their choice, there is no profit in fighting that decision. Let them go and move on with your life, that is the quickest, easiest way to get them back.

You definitely don't support them financially and enable them, that would be weak, wussy, clingy, insecure behavior - something in you telling you that you need to support them financially while they're having an affair, hoping they'll realize how nice you are and come back to you.

Just let them go, have them move out or you move out and live a good life without them.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

tryingtointerpret said:


> I say she was remorseful because she confessed to the affair and told me that she was truly sorry for hurting me. She could have lied about it and denied it. She told me that she would seek counseling and talk to our pastor to ask for God's forgiveness. It seems like she wants to make it work..If not, what do I need to look for to make it work with her?


First, you should know that cheaters *very rarely* confess their A for any reason other than these two:

1 - She has reason to believe that you would be told about it by someone else.
2 - She's trying to provoke a divorce.

Just keep that in mind. Confession is usually not a sign of remorse. 

So what do you need to look for to know that it's genuine? Several things, but it all boils down to her being willing to accept consequences and showing a desperation to save her marriage. The consequences include:

- Acceptance of exposure to the OM's wife or SO, your family and hers.
- Agreement to send a no contact letter to the OM, that you read and approve.
- She owns what she did; accepting full responsibility and blaming no one but herself.
- Willingness to be completely transparent with all her devices and accounting for her time away from you.
- Agreeing to permanently reset marital boundaries. No more GNO's. No more opposite sex friends.
- Willingness to truthfully discuss the A with you anytime you want for as long as you need.
- Getting tested for STD's.
- Willingness to accept that you will need time (weeks or months) to judge her remorse and assess your 
capacity to forgive, *before* you decide if R is the right course for you. 
- With her every look, word, and action she demonstrates unconditional, genuine remorse. (Those actions 
include being an enthusiastic sex partner).

*That's*, what you need to see from her.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

badmemory said:


> First, you should know that cheaters *very rarely* confess their A for any reason other than these two:
> 
> 1 - She has reason to believe that you would be told about it by someone else.
> 2 - She's trying to provoke a divorce.
> ...


3-She has been dumped by the OM and guilt has gotten the better of her. 

Sent from my Pixel XL using Tapatalk


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## PaulB (Jun 26, 2018)

You've gotten lots of good insight and advice in this thread. I hope you listen to it. 

I tried to work through fixing a marriage after my ex-wife admitted to cheating. Had there not been kids, I wouldn't have. Looking back, it was a stupid attempt. She had other issues, and I'm guessing to some extent your wife does too. About a year after the affair, during an argument, my ex made some statement to the effect that the affair was a result of the brokenness of our marriage and that I should have done more to win her back afterwards. 

It was a magical moment for me, because emotionally I just numbed. I had this perfect clarity about her and what my life would be if I remained with her. 

Maybe your wife does love you. She does not respect you, though. Love will rise and fall in depth of intensity from time to time. Respect is constant and not dependent on the current level of love's intensity. You need to get out and move on. Figure out how to best document the affair so you can have a better legal standing in the divorce. 

Life is short, man. Seriously. Too short to live in this schitt. Get out.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

tryingtointerpret said:


> I say she was remorseful because she confessed to the affair and told me that she was truly sorry for hurting me. She could have lied about it and denied it. She told me that she would seek counseling and talk to our pastor to ask for God's forgiveness. It seems like she wants to make it work..If not, *what do I need to look for to make it work with her*?


True repentance and contrition. Blaming you for making her screwing another guy is not being repentant. Don't let her play that false Christian forgiveness ploy on you. You are not required to forgive her unless she is truly and wholly repentant. 

You also need full and total transparency from her. She needs to come clean on how many times she and her OM actually met up and had sex. You are getting the minimized, whitewashed version. She's still lying. No one has an affair that lasts as long as hers did and only had sex twice. C'mon man you can't be that naïve.


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## dadstartingover (Oct 23, 2015)

1. There was more to the affair than she told you. Way more.
2. Your relationship is over.

She grabbed her "TOTGA"... The One That Got Away. She ain't letting go so easily. 

Get a lawyer... today.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

They never tell the truth. Two times is not right. She, at minimum,
was taking him for a trial spin and when that didn’t work out she decided to keep you for now. Or maybe he just got all he wanted. In any event she needs to take a poly. 

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.


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## BarbedFenceRider (Mar 30, 2018)

tryingtointerpret said:


> I say she was remorseful because she confessed to the affair and told me that she was truly sorry for hurting me. She could have lied about it and denied it. She told me that she would seek counseling and talk to our pastor to ask for God's forgiveness. It seems like she wants to make it work..If not, what do I need to look for to make it work with her?


Just so we are all clear. THAT is not remorse. That is regret. Many more posters are already probably telling you as such. I DO think it is good that she is in counselling, and to talk to your pastor. But DO NOT make that the end all, say all....That is just a band-aid to a larger wound. What she is asking for is 
"Rug-sweeping". You will be bombarded with that from others as well. That is a NO-BUENO action during infidelity. And just so you know, you are STILL in infidelity. She admitted to it, but you do not have complete closure and honesty. Bring on the lie detector....

You may have a "grass wasn't greener" moment with her. She played the field so to speak, and came up short....

So now, you get the used car with no warranty and definitely a weird smell coming from the back seat! Just keep that in mind going into "R" and trying to rebuild some kind of relationship. You were the plan B, and she now is ON plan B. Makes you wonder.....If there will be ANOTHER plan A in the future.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

BarbedFenceRider said:


> Just so we are all clear. THAT is not remorse. That is regret. Many more posters are already probably telling you as such. I DO think it is good that she is in counselling, and to talk to your pastor. But DO NOT make that the end all, say all....That is just a band-aid to a larger wound. What she is asking for is
> "Rug-sweeping". You will be bombarded with that from others as well. That is a NO-BUENO action during infidelity. And just so you know, you are STILL in infidelity. She admitted to it, but you do not have complete closure and honesty. Bring on the lie detector....
> 
> You may have a "grass wasn't greener" moment with her. She played the field so to speak, and came up short....
> ...


Kudos my brother... 

OP you are a fool if you do not read and understand this post...


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

tryingtointerpret said:


> She told me that she was lonely.
> 
> Is her excuse a typical one to get out of the marriage?
> 
> Why not just file for D, then have the affair?


Typical? Cheaters magnify any problem to justify the attention and sex from someone they are attracted to. Any reason will do, we here them all.

Why not just file? Must not have really wanted to. 

Perhaps she wanted to poison pill the relationship?

Do you feel like you have swallowed poison?

So it worked.

Maybe that's just the spinning of the hamster wheel in her head after she felt ignored and entitled to a fling.

My money is on pathological entitlement.

Do you think she really loves you?

Do you think she really respects you?

How do you think she will feel about you after you try to just move on from here?

Are you expecting some big upswelling of love and respect to sweep in and take the two of you to happy island?



tryingtointerpret said:


> I say she was remorseful because she confessed to the affair and told me that she was truly sorry for hurting me. She could have lied about it and denied it. She told me that she would seek counseling and talk to our pastor to ask for God's forgiveness. It seems like she wants to make it work..If not, what do I need to look for to make it work with her?


Btw forgiveness does not mean pretending someone is a good or trustworthy person.

When you forgive someone you agree to absolve them of the debt they owe you for a specific offense.

Your forgiveness does not have the power to change them. Nor do they necessarily deserve to be trusted again.

I believe in Divine forgiveness, but don't let her wrap her character deficiencies in religion.

She sounds like a person of poor morals.


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## colingrant (Nov 6, 2017)

You have to know WHO you're reconciling with before you reconcile. You are assuming it was your wife, pre-affair, but the affair revealed something about her that you didn't know about and violated your trust. Marriage health is 100% commensurate with trust. Trust is earned. Earning trust requires significant time. Hurrying to get things back to normal will push normalcy even further out. Step back, evaluate, and take the time you need. Be non-committal. If she needs to be reminded of your love for her or how special she is, or impatience on the time YOU need to not recover and re-establish trust (may never come back) then it's time to cut ties. Those are all continued wayward thinking. Wayward thinking leads to wayward activity, i.e., cheating. Careful here. You're in the drivers' seat, act like it.


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## Dutchman1 (Mar 30, 2018)

Nobody can steal your dignity, you can only give it away

Dutchman1


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