# Intense Guilt Over Leaving - How Do I Get Over?



## Staying Strong (Nov 20, 2012)

I feel like I am losing my mind, and I need some advice.

I have posted before about the verbally and sometimes abusive husband I left 5 months ago. He was calling me names and pushing, slapping, kicking me in front of our son, who is now 4. My son had even told people that "daddy is mean to mommy" and "daddy hits mommy."

When my husband pulled me down the stairs by my hair and told my son "your mommy is a f'ing b****" that was the end of it for me. 

He didn't work much during the marriage, and I handled 100% of the bills for more than 7 years. 

There were also some major sexual issues, with him controlling me with sex, asking me to swap with other couples, have a threesome with a woman we know, etc. (and texting her inapporiately, exchanging photos, etc.) He asked to have a girlfriend since I was "no longer enough for him." I participated in one of his fantasies and it made me feel absolutely disgusted and I ended up having an emotional affair after that with the man.

Crap hit the fan last year, when the emotional affair was exposed and I told him I wasn't happy and was thinking about leaving. He promised to change and even got a job. He refused counseling saying he could just be nicer to me so he didn't lose me. I gave him that chance, and I also ended the emotional affair. Over the next 8 months, things just got worse and the abuse escalated, so I left.

Since I have been out of the house, we have been splitting time with our child. My husband has used our son as a pawn, telling me I can't have him all of a sudden if I make him mad. He has stalked me at times when he has him, and he feeds my son lines of BS, such as "Mommy must only love you half as much as she did since she only wants to see you half the time," etc. If I make him angry, he'll refuse to let me have our son, like on Christmas Day. Since I wouldn't give him sex, he said "forget having your son" even though we agreed to it and I went out of my way to make sure he could see the child on Christmas Eve, which was "my day". This goes on and on with him using our child as leverage.

He still threatens me by saying I can make him nice again by just coming home. He feels he is cured b/c he attended 3 counseling sessions for anger issues. I feel that by him using our son, that he has not changed one bit.

So why do I feel such intense guilt for leaving him? I know it's just more of the same with him. He still tries to control and manipulate every situation, and using our son to me says he hasn't changed.

I know I don't love him or respect him anymore, but I wonder, how do I pull through this and continue to move forward?


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Staying Strong said:


> I feel like I am losing my mind, and I need some advice.


SS, what you are feeling is perfectly normal when one is living with a BPDer. "Losing my mind" is exactly how you should be feeling. As I tried to explain in your first thread, you are describing the behaviors of a man exhibiting strong BPD traits (Borderline Personality Disorder traits). 

Significantly, of the several dozen disorders listed in the APA's Diagnostic Manual, BPD is the one most notorious for making the abused spouses feel like they are losing their minds. That's why therapists see far more of those spouses -- coming in to find out if they are going crazy -- than the therapists ever see of the BPDers themselves. 

Indeed, this "crazymaking" behavior by BPDers is so well known that the ex-spouses and ex-partners have given it a name: "gaslighting." It is named after the classic 1944 movie _Gaslight,_ in which a husband (Charles Boyer) tries to drive his new bride (Ingrid Bergman) crazy. His goal is to have her institutionalized so he can run off with her family fortune. One of his many tricks is to keep turning the house gaslights down a tiny bit every day, all the while claiming to be able to see and read just fine.

As to your request for advice, I suggest you reread the suggestions I gave you last November in my post at 
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera.../61282-worthy-another-chance.html#post1230133.


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## animal 2011 (Aug 9, 2011)

Dude, seriously, hello?????? Don't you dare go back to this abusive "man"! Get your kid away from him and get full custody now! He shouldnt even get any rights to his son at all. What are you teaching your poor son by exposing him to this abuse? Do this for you and this child.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

animal 2011 said:


> Dude, seriously, hello?????? Don't you dare go back to this abusive "man"! Get your kid away from him and get full custody now! He shouldnt even get any rights to his son at all. What are you teaching your poor son by exposing him to this abuse? Do this for you and this child.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Staying Strong, it's easy to feel guilty because you also remember how good it feels to be treated like the most important, beautiful, capable woman in the world - the way that sometimes happened right after his explosions. 

The things he is saying to your son are extremely psychologically abusive! Your son needs to not be exposed to that, especially at age 4! I encourage you to call some local attorneys and find out whether you can use voice recordings in court. If you can get evidence of the kinds of things he is saying, you could potentially require supervised visitation where he cannot take your son. 

Document every instance of him saying you "can't have" your son if you make him mad. Once a custody arrangement is in place, if he withholds your son from you you can prosecute him - in many states it's called "criminal interference" or "parental interference with custody" and is considered a felony. 

Your goal is to protect your son's well being. A guardian ad litem can also help here. A GAL is appointed for a child to help determine what is in the child's best interests. 

I know all of this can get expensive. You will need to build your own case by gathering all the evidence that you can. You may not be able to hire investigators, but you can certainly keep journals and talk to people who may have valuable information to contribute. Your attorney can give you guidance on what is and isn't valuable information, but I hope you'll make sure that you've hired an attorney who is familiar with abusive families, parental alienation, and who is prepared to go to trial if necessary.


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## happysnappy (Jan 8, 2013)

Hugs. My ex wasn't this bad and I felt a lot of guilt for many many years. Try making a list of all the reasons you left. When you feel guilty read it. It helped me. Also you really need to file, have a formal custody order in place and be able to have some leverage. Until that time if I were you I would keep my child away from him as much as possible


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

Do not feel guilty. You have no good reason to feel that way.


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## RDL (Feb 10, 2012)

Hello,

Firstly the behaviors you described fit into a text book case of the Narcisistic Abuser. 

He was and is verbally and physically abusive, is exhibiting stalking behavior and uses any leverage to control you. 

I suggest that the main reason you feel guilt over leaving him is that as an abuse victim you bonded with him during the course of your relationship and you may have a deeply ingrained sense that you are the only person on earth to help him deal with his demons.

To address the situation there are a series of steps to take. Firstly please treat this with the uttermost seriousness because your life and your son's may be in danger. In the TED talk I will link below the speaker mentions that as much as 70% of abusive partner murders happen after the victim has left, and that a very common response after leaving is him stalking you.

Steps such as cutting off contact and hyper exposing the abuse to friends, family, neighbors, police and coworkers are advisable.

Please watch this TED talk with very good information from an abuse victim:
Leslie Morgan Steiner: Why domestic violence victims don't leave | Video on TED.com

Secondly please read "Toxic relationships, abuse and it's aftermath" by Sam Vankin
Toxic Relationships: Abuse and its Aftermath: Sam Vaknin, Lidija Rangelovska: Amazon.com: Kindle Store

It is a very good material and offers solid advice on the balanced steps to take when faced with such a situation.

Please come back with feedback after reading the material.


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## PinkLady1 (Jan 23, 2013)

I'm not sure if my post will help in any way, but I do feel the need to say you need to get some stability in your life (not that it is you that needs to change bc clearly it is your ex that has issues) and focus on the life you want for your son. I think you still want to see the good in your ex and want him to be a good father to your son (now, I am only speculating and this is totally my opinion). I think the guilt has something to do with a family being broken up and not so much a marriage going through divorce. Anger is blinding and there are always two sides to every story, so focus on your "side of the story" so to speak and remind yourself that you have and still are trying your best to make this relationship work (for the sake of your son bc he is the father). Don't let that guilt manifest inside of you because misery sure does love company. Focus on how to make your life happy again. Like the saying goes: kill them with happiness- figuratively speaking (of course). Again, not sure of this helps in anyway but going through the pain that my cheating husband has caused has gotten me to a state where I need to let my anger go and focus on making myself happy. I truly hope the best for and your son. Stay strong!!


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## Staying Strong (Nov 20, 2012)

Update - 

I have hit another rough patch. I travel for work and I am alone on the road quite a bit. I almost thought it would be a good idea to go home on the last two trips and just go back with my husband b/c it's easier and cheaper. I am also lonely and gave up a beautiful new home to live in my parent's basement apartment. I know, it's so awful for me to think that way. 

When I tried to spend some time with him after the two trips (he was not aware of my thoughts at all), he screamed and yelled at me, became violent again and called me names - again, in front of my son. Both visits lasted less than 20 minutes.

In the middle of this, my hubby changed the locks to our family home (in both our names) and visited a lawyer. I thought this was a clear sign he was ready to move on, but he said he's not, and that he locked me out so I just don't use the house as I wish. He saw a lawyer to get legal advice on doing so. When I told him I still planned to move forward, he again threatened to make my life "hell" and said he would take our son and "go into hiding out of state." Will he act on this, no? But he does it to scare me.

I have entered into a counseling program and have gone to one session. I don't know why I am still afraid to cut all ties; I know he is playing mind games with me. I think a lot of it has to do with my son crying to me every day wanting me to come home (he doesn't understand since he's little) and my hubby living in the house I paid for and furnished. According to my lawyer, I also may have to pay him child support, even with 50/50 parenting and spousal support. He has a job now, but not for three previous years, and that's what they go back on. He is reaping all the benefits. It makes me angry! He mistreated me and he gets the cushy life. I am hoping counseling allows me to get over this stuff and just move on.


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

Many people have said everything and more than what I can come to the table with but let me address the guilt part. 

Do you feel guilty for marrying him in the first place and creating a child who is now torn between a crazy making father and a mother who made the RIGHT decision to leave him? I know that I look back at a relationship where I left someone (no kids involved tho) and I felt terribly guilty. But that guilt was actually some shame of ever being with him to begin with. But it is what it is. You just need to pick up the pieces and move on. 

I am so terribly sorry that your husband is using your child as a pawn. He knows that this is a surefire way of hurting you. I find it disgusting. But all I can say is --- document, document, document! The more you can put before a judge the better. If your husband is trying to alienate your son from his mother that can be considered abusive. And if he is harassing you then you need to get a protective order in place. Let him hang himself if he violates it. And there needs to be a very specific child custody agreement in place. If he violates that agreement he won't be so quick as to use your son as a bargaining chip.


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

I just read your last post. Things can be replaced. I'd rather live peacefully and safely in my parents basement with no furniture then to go back to that concentration camp your husband has set up. I'd be quiting my job, finding something that didn't have me travel so much, file bankruptcy and make a fresh start. There are not enough couches, dishes or bed linens in the world that would tempt me enough to go back to that environment!


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Yes, he is going to tell your son any number of things about you until your son is old enough to get away from him. It will be up to you to tell your son the truth.

P.S.
And forgot about "things." They aren't important. What's important is making a life for you and your son.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

I don't understand how you cant get primary custody of your son with his history of abuse(including abusing you in front of the child) and now emotionally /mentally abusing your son ?Can your attorney arrange to have a court ordered psychological exam of your son for some of the evidence?Also try to convince your ex husband to communicate with you through e-mail.So you will have his statements in his own writing.


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