# It is now or never



## Hope_KT2022 (11 mo ago)

So it has been 13 years of marriage and 16 years totally together. I am at a point now where think the marriage is truly over. I have tried discussing a separation/divorce many times now throughout the marriage but he never takes me seriously, says we can work it out. Honestly there is too much resentment, pain for me to really stay in this marriage. I only feel numb now around him. We have tried counselling as well and it has not worked. I feel so lonely and unhappy in this marriage. I cry to myself all the time wondering when this nightmare might one day be over. 

We have two kids 7 and 10 and really worried about the impact this could have on them. At the same time we are constantly arguing and don't really function well as a family. We do many activities separate with the kids and when together always a disaster. He has some controlling issues that is also an ongoing concern. I am isolated from all my family as moved to live abroad with him so feels like he plays on that all the time and have become very dependent on him with many things which i think gives him a sense of comfort as well. But i do have a job but when it comes to other things with the lack of family support lean on him for many things.

So despite how i feel about him, he is a good Dad but just dont love him anymore. i feel scared thinking about what the next 10 years will look like. I have lived most of this marriage for him, lived his dreams.. dont get much say in anything, feels like an approval process for simple things and since covid things have been even worse. Dont think can live like this anymore. He is not physically abusive but emotionally abusive at times. When i have tried to leave he always makes me feel guilty and then end up staying. Just not sure how to do this mainly because he wont let me leave with the kids. He wont leave the house and is the kind of person who would physically stop us leaving so think i need to get some sort of mediator to help guide this. Talking never seems to go anywhere so think may need to get a plan in place this time. Has anyone else had to do this? I am also really scared, his behavior can be extreme at times so really dont know what to do. I feel so trapped right now.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

First, get to a lawyer or two to see how divorce would proceed where you are living. Try to get a plan together for you.
There should be groups that can help battered women/children get away from a controlling spouse -- and if he would be the type to physically stop you from leaving -- you need something like that.

Get your own funds together, make sure you have copies of all essential documents (you will need these for a lawyer anyway). TALK with your family even if they are not in-country to help you get support.

If he does ANYTHING to physically assault you or the kids -- call the police immediately.

Very sorry you are going through this..


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## redmarshall (11 mo ago)

Resentment is never a good thing in marriage, so do yourself a favor and do think very hard about why do you want to go through with this, i.e why do you despise him. Fighting in front of the children is not a good idea even if you're not getting along. You can discuss your differences in your own time and away from the children. If you've narrowed down to what really bothering you with your relationship i.e why you're not in love with him. Figure out is those reasons are grounded in reality, if they are, then emotions not withstanding, you will have to find a way out of this. Regardless of your fears, because you're going to have to learn to deal with those issues, letting resentment fester will leave you in despair which will only makes things worse. I hope you manage to find your way.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

jlg07 said:


> First, get to a lawyer or two to see how divorce would proceed where you are living. Try to get a plan together for you.
> There should be groups that can help battered women/children get away from a controlling spouse -- and if he would be the type to physically stop you from leaving -- you need something like that.
> 
> Get your own funds together, make sure you have copies of all essential documents (you will need these for a lawyer anyway). TALK with your family even if they are not in-country to help you get support.
> ...


@Hope_KT2022 I'm sorry to hear it has come to this point.

*If you have decided that it is over*, then @jlg07 is exactly right.

I only want to restate: STAY SAFE.
Take steps to protect yourself in any way that you need to do it.
Talk to friends, family, church pastor, police, neighbors, shelters, anyone who can help make sure you and the kids stay safe.

There is never a reason that physical violence is ok in a household. ever.


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## Hope_KT2022 (11 mo ago)

Thank you all for your responses. It is comforting to be able to have a forum to share as it has been hard keeping this all in my head. There is no physical abuse it has mainly been mental. When I say physical in the past he has just prevented me from leaving by blocking me or holding my wrist but not to the point it gets violent. This is not an everyday thing but the times I have tried to leave which is why I think mediator help will be needed. I cannot move to our spare room as when trying to setup for some space he tells me I am immature and he will not leave the spare room until I come back to the bedroom. He does not want the kids to see us sleeping in separate rooms. It is the way he behaves with things like that which scares me.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Hope_KT2022 said:


> Thank you all for your responses. It is comforting to be able to have a forum to share as it has been hard keeping this all in my head. There is no physical abuse it has mainly been mental. When I say physical in the past he has just prevented me from leaving by blocking me or holding my wrist but not to the point it gets violent. This is not an everyday thing but the times I have tried to leave which is why I think mediator help will be needed. I cannot move to our spare room as when trying to setup for some space he tells me I am immature and he will not leave the spare room until I come back to the bedroom. He does not want the kids to see us sleeping in separate rooms. It is the way he behaves with things like that which scares me.


It sounds like you need a real physical separation from him just to be able to think clearly.

I'm glad you're not too concerned about the physical side.
However, in the times he blocked you from leaving, what if you hadn't backed off? 
How far would he have gone to stop you?
That's what worries me.

If he is willing to grab you to stop you, that's concerning.


But it sounds like you're aware of what you need to do and what precautions are needed.
Being in a place of such resentment is really hard to come back from.

I wish the best for you and your kids as you move forward and work through this, no matter the outcome.


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## QuietGuy (Aug 31, 2021)

Not letting you sleep where you want and physically restraining you is controlling and abusive. Tell him that you are sleeping in the spare room and he will not physically dominate you again. Tell him if he has a problem with this you will call the police and have him removed - and mean it. Put your phone on video record when these confrontations are likely to occur. Is there somewhere you can go with the kids for a short while so he can cool down and come to grips with reality? You could make the move when he is at work. He needs to understand that this abusive behavior will not be tolerated ever again.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Where are you originally from? 
What country do you live in now? 

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