# can't digest my wife's past sex stories



## aboutdone (Oct 30, 2015)

I'm moving on. It's been 4 years of trying to deal with this. I went to a psychiatrist about it and was given the predictable "she is only what she is today because of her past" and "She is yours now and she picked you"

Was expecting more from a medical professional.

My wife told me stuff about her past after she had a couple glasses of wine. She told me these stories 3-4 years ago. I did not ask her to tell me this stuff and it was almost like she was bragging or wanted to prove how cool she was. Both times it was after she had been drinking. I don't drink but don't have a problem with others doing it.

First story she told me was ~25 when she single about 2 years. Never could figure it out why she remained "single" for 2 years because she is crazy hot. She told me about a coworker she had 3-4 blocks away. For 2 years she went to him (on foot) and he visited her (on foot) just to have a ride whenever they were horny. They didn't sleep over. They both wanted it. I get it. We all want it. I didn't want to hear about it. What tortures me is her walking home with his mess leaking out of her.

2nd story was about her college boyfriend who I always made fun of because he's an idiot. I get a story about how she learned to give head because she felt obligated to return the favor to this 19 year old guy. He was huge (I was told by my wife) and always went down on her to "make things all wet" so he was able to slide it in. I kiss my wife and I imagine her mouth around that idiots penis. Not only that she told me sex with him was a bad thing because it hurt (I'm sure that is true). Not during sex so much but the next day when she was sore.

That's it. I have done therapy. Done OCD mindfulness reading etc.
FYI. I am ~7 inches and hit her cervix when we have sex. I just don't want to have sex with her anymore. More importantly, I don't want to cuddle her in bed. When I do I only think about nasty thoughts about her past. I give great head also. Again, I just think about her big d!ck BF making her wet when I do that.

You men and women can say I should grow up but it isn't working. I wish she wasn't a blabber mouth after 1-2 glasses of wine. 

I'm moving on.
My only advice to men & women is NEVER tell your spouse about your past in detail unless they ask to hear about it.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

That is repulsively sad.

Yes, best that you move on and make sure the next wife knows about your anxious thoughts wrt her sexual history and to never ever tell you anything ever!

Best of luck to both of you.


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

Well that sucks. I can certainly understand moving on if you can't get over it. How long have you been married? Thinking these types of thoughts about your SO is gut wrenching for some people, I am one. Some of the way's you describe things sound like the worst possible way to think about it, for example "with his mess leaking out". Is that how she told the story or is that the story your mind told?

Oh, why did you change your user name?


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

It's one thing to share sexual history but details like that seem callous. It's a shame. I can't imagine why she would want to give such details unless it was to make you feel certain she was desirable? It seems like you are OK with her having a past, but details like his cum leaking out of her on her walk home are best left unsaid. I'm sorry.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

There has been some good conversation on this topic here:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/ladies-lounge/296490-regret-shame.html

Curious, what does your wife think about all this and you moving on?

I do feel that unless you asked for details there is absolutely no reason for her to provide. That would not sit well with me either.


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## aboutdone (Oct 30, 2015)

The "mess leaking out" was not a detail she shared. But if anyone has had sex they know it's a fact.
She has never had unprotected sex in her life.
All the rest she told me.
I'm just sad and wish something as stupid as this wasn't ruining my marriage.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

aboutdone said:


> My only advice to men & women is NEVER tell your spouse about your past in detail unless they ask to hear about it.


And even then don't do it because many many men can't handle it.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Is the problem that she did those things, or that she told you about them, or that she told you about them when you didn't want to know?


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

aboutdone said:


> The "mess leaking out" was not a detail she shared.


It's a very, very odd thing for you to keep running through your head. Do you think she ENJOYED that if it even happened? It's not exactly something women look forward to....to be soggy the rest of the day!


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Damn...Can't get over a wife having had a no strings FWB, and another partner who was too large to have comfortable sex with.....

What if she sat around weepy eyed over a past "love of her life", or a guy that left her swooning from mind blowing sex...

You need to toughen up a bit...Unless you marry a virgin, your lady will have had sex with someone...I doubt you will find your virgin, and if you did, what if she was a lousy lay?....Would you walk around starry eyed over her purity? I doubt it. Learn to appreciate your wife for what she is..... 

Did you have sex before you met your wife? Did you drive home all sticky from that woman...Yucky...Hell no, sex is what it is....get over it.....Or do without..


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Woodchuck said:


> I doubt you will find your virgin, and if you did, what if she was a lousy lay?....Would you walk around starry eyed over her purity? I doubt it. Learn to appreciate your wife for what she is.....


Great point, Woodchuck.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

aboutdone said:


> The "mess leaking out" was not a detail she shared. But if anyone has had sex they know it's a fact.
> She has *never had unprotected sex *in her life.


In that case, your imagination has no bearing on reality. There'd be no leaking. Anyway, if you and your therapist can't get you past this, you'll have to divorce her and start anew, being sure to tell any new partner to never tell you _anything _about her sexual past.


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## NoSizeQueen (Sep 9, 2015)

I'm sure she doesn't feel great about the situation either. But I bet she'll take extra care to filter and analyze what she says to you now... That could be a good thing, or a bad thing. If someone reacted to my past like that, I'd have trouble trusting them with my thoughts and feelings afterward.


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

aboutdone said:


> The "mess leaking out" was not a detail she shared. But if anyone has had sex they know it's a fact.
> She has never had unprotected sex in her life.
> All the rest she told me.
> I'm just sad and wish something as stupid as this wasn't ruining my marriage.


Likely it did happen. I just wondered if she put that thought in your head or if you did it yourself. I wondered because I think it says something about how you view your wife now.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

SecondTime'Round said:


> It's a very, very odd thing for you to keep running through your head. Do you think she ENJOYED that if it even happened? It's not exactly something women look forward to....to be soggy the rest of the day!


The woman I lost my virginity to actually did kind of enjoy it, especially when walking the cat walk at her fashion shows...a detail I have not shared with my wife.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

samyeagar said:


> The woman I lost my virginity to actually did kind of enjoy it, especially when walking the cat walk at her fashion shows...*a detail I have not shared with my wife.*


Wise man .


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

SecondTime'Round said:


> Wise man .


Though my wife did share with me once that she has never used a condom in her life...


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

Ok, to test a theory proposed on another thread... How is your sex life with your wife?


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

samyeagar said:


> Though my wife did share with me once that she has never used a condom in her life...


How did you feel about that? What was your reaction?


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## aboutdone (Oct 30, 2015)

I ejaculate a lot and my wife has it running down her legs when she gets up to pee.
Whatever. that was not my point.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

OK. I'm sure you've heard all this before, but in case you haven't, here's how I dealt with my wife ramming this stuff down my throat when I told her I didn't want to hear it...

#1 I have a past. A somewhat murky and perky one. Embarrasingly, I'm not sure how many women I've slept with. The point is, it's hard for me to judge anyone. I think I'm a good guy, I don't think I was terrible to most women, and I honestly tried to be respectful. I think I ended up in a good place. Why can't the same be true for a woman?

#2 I'm a big believer in looking forward, not back. She had a past. Am I the future? Do I like being with her? Do I have to think about her being with someone else? Or can I choose to put that out of my mind, and love my wife? Love having sex with her? That goes a long way.

#3 She's good in bed. She had positive sexual experiences for the most part. This led her to like having sex, and now we have a lot of really great sex as a result. She's taught me many things, things that I enjoy, and wouldn't know if she didn't know them. She gives these things only to me, and has done so for a very long time. In a way, I'm really, really happy she's had good sex before me. I mean, if you think about it, if I'm her last sexual partner... and she's 'all in' with me when it comes to sex... all that other stuff was just practice compared to what we have now.

#4 I must be pretty decent in bed if she had good partners before me, and she still chases me around the house.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Sad. What a waste of 4 years.

I think at least you mostly understand this is a 'you' problem and nothing wrong with your wife. I agree you'll have to be clear with any potential partners about your issues so you can avoid going through this all over again but a lot of times details do come out, you may read something from her past or learn about it a different way. Maybe continue with the professionals, try a new one, to get to the root of the problem.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Your wife sounds pretty inconsiderate. Or, maybe she feels so comfortable with you she is willing to open up with you about everything. And then there are some people who have no filter between their brain and their mouth. I know several people like this. 

Anyway, if you can't get past it maybe you need to divorce and then go find yourself a "good" girl...if you can.... Very few exist anymore.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

bandit.45 said:


> go find yourself a "good" girl...if you can.... Very few exist anymore.


Yes. Find a girl who is sexually avoidant and has no history or any desire or want and then come back in a year or two to complain that she is a prude in bed. Good idea


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

SecondTime'Round said:


> How did you feel about that? What was your reaction?


She is now, and always has been STD free, so there is that. Given what I know of her past, it is certainly a detail I wish I could un hear, and like so many other thing, it came out in the strangest of ways, where I did not ask, and had no reasonable way to see it coming. We were walking through the store one day, and I was looking for a lubricant for a motor with latex parts, and she suggested baby oil, and I mentioned that baby oil tears up latex which is why it shouldn't be used with condoms, and she replied that she didn't know anything about latex and baby oil because she'd never used a condom.

I tried to just take it in stride, and with a laugh, told her I didn't need to know that. Later that night when I couldn't get an erection, I blamed it on being really tired so as to not come off as holding her past against her.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Better yet, tell her every time she has the urge to tell you about her past sex exploits, you will whip your wang out and cram it in her mouth. 

That will shut her up. Take the Alpha male approach. 


Maybe she wants you to be more aggressive with her?


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## aboutdone (Oct 30, 2015)

Good comments. She has a big mouth and doesn't really get how hurt I get.
Don't want a virgin. I'd marry a prostitute. Don't care.
It's when you love someone this **** hurts.
Yes I have done the flip her over and **** her brains out routine.
Yes, she loves it bossy. She would be happy to be tied and spanked and ****ed in the ass every night.
I do it and like it. Problem is I doesn't fix my issue.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

If the two of you are incompatible then..well...that's that. Nothing you can do about her mouth. She was born with it.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

aboutdone said:


> Don't want a virgin. I'd marry a prostitute. Don't care.


But you aren't ok with her stories of sleeping with two guys


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

aboutdone said:


> Good comments. She has a big mouth and doesn't really get how hurt I get.
> Don't want a virgin. I'd marry a prostitute. Don't care.
> It's when you love someone this **** hurts.
> Yes I have done the flip her over and **** her brains out routine.
> ...


So do you think with your next woman, you will tell her you'd prefer to not have the details of her past?


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
People can react strangely to a partner's past exploits. Long ago I was dating my (future) wife. She broke up with me, started dating another guy. Eventually told me they were engaged to be married. 

I had a healthy reaction to this, and started dating a very nice woman and having lots of wild sex. It wasn't really FWB, we cared about each other, but we knew it was not long term - just fun sex for both of us. Eventually we broke up (amicably). My (future) wife broke up with the guy she was going to marry (not really surprising). 

Eventually my (future) wife and I got together again and eventually got married. (>25 years ago now)

Here is were it gets strange: 
I wan't particularly unhappy. She had dumped me (not good) and hooked up with a guy who I'm convinced sweet talked / deceived her about marriage in order to get sex. I felt like her humiliation at being used was fair and natural punishment for her dumping me - the score seemed even to me. (I had warned her that this guys intentions were not honorable). 

Later though my wife found out I had had sex with this other woman. She was very upset. I've never understood that reaction. She dumped ME. Told me she was going to marry another guy. Then got upset that I had sex with someone else? Did she think I was supposed to spend the rest of my life pining away for her?


So, to the OP. Think hard about your own reactions. Yes your wife had sex with other guys before you. Unless she specifically told you that she was a virgin, that is completely expected. It sounds like her sex life was fairly normal. She wasn't a prostitute. She didn't engage in huge orgies in sex clubs. She just had sex with some guys and enjoyed it. Nothing in her stories was particularly surprising. Were you a virgin when you were married or did you have fun sex with other women?


I know you know you are thinking somewhat irrationally, but you really need to be more self-aware of this. She did NOTHING wrong. You have to do your absolute best to not blame her - even in your own mind.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Generally speaking our past relationships help make us who we are today, and both the good and bad experiences are something that couples can share with each other and be able to strengthen your marriage.

My wife will ask me what it is like for me to have had sex with other women, and I have no hesitation to tell her that it was god awful, horrible, and usually made me want to cry!

Badsanta


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

richardsharpe said:


> Later though my wife found out I had had sex with this other woman. She was very upset. I've never understood that reaction. She dumped ME. Told me she was going to marry another guy. Then got upset that I had sex with someone else? Did she think I was supposed to spend the rest of my life pining away for her?


It's not so odd. My ex wife was cheating on me, left, we signed a separation agreement, and THEN she found out I was dating.

And hit the roof.

I mean, how could I not wait to get everything settled like a gentleman? And to just hop into bed with some random woman... was just being disrespectful and showed my lack of character!

My sister nearly peed herself laughing at her when my ex told her that.


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

This is a personal problem, nothing to do with your wife. She told you these things on 2 occasions when she was intoxicated, booze tends to remove the filters. The FWB thing doesn't even involve any info other than the thoughts you put in your own head.


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## NoSizeQueen (Sep 9, 2015)

If you're with someone who is not a virgin, sooner or later you will hear something about their past. Even if they don't make a point of telling you, these things slip out.

"I wouldn't know, I've never used condoms."
"I tried that act once, and I loved it!"
"I've never seen an uncircumcised penis."

It happens. And sometimes it hurts. But you have to learn to let go, because it will always happen sooner or later.

You are sensitive. Your wife has a big mouth. Neither of these things are likely to change. Sometimes you just have to remind yourself that there's a reason she's no longer with those guys, and there's a reason she's still with you.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I think many of the responses are unreasonably harsh. It's not that she has a past, it's that when you insist on ramming details that your spouse didn't ask for down their throat you send the message that you fvcked a bunch of people before them so just in case your spouse thinks they're special it's best they remember that they're not. They fall into a long line, and that's a crappy message to send a spouse.

I do think it's unfortunate to end a marriage over it, and I have to ask the OP what he's done to discuss that while he's fine that she has a past he doesn't care to hear about it? Because after that if the sharing continues it becomes rude.

Here's what I did with my husband's oversharing:

I had told him a number of times I didn't want to hear it. He'd apologize and it would get a little better until it started again. I've gotten the same stories many times.....it's like my husband just had a pathological need to shove details down my throat.

The last time we had a huge blowup I repeated a bunch of his stories back to him and told him that people who talk incessantly about exes are insecure and pathetic, nobody cares, and the next time it came up I was getting him a cookie. Then I told him all kinds of details about my past that he didn't want, including the huge d!ck on my first. That ended the sharing.

OP, how does your wife react if you share details of your past? To me that's indicative of her intent; if she gets upset then it's an emotional weapon on her part. If she's ok with it maybe she has a different view of ex sharing, but have you discussed with her that you don't want to hear it? If she's only done it a couple of times while drunk it seems like an unfortunate reason to end a marriage.

To me it's in very poor taste to share a lot of details with your spouse unless they specifically ask.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

marduk said:


> It's not so odd. My ex wife was cheating on me, left, we signed a separation agreement, and THEN she found out I was dating.
> 
> And hit the roof.
> 
> ...


Serious, that is about as stupid as you can get (your ex, not you lol). Seriously wonder wtf is going through someone's mind like that


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

lifeistooshort said:


> The last time we had a huge blowup I repeated a bunch of his stories back to him and told him that people who talk incessantly about exes are insecure and pathetic, nobody cares, and the next time it came up *I was getting him a cookie.*


Why a cookie? Honestly if I was your H that would only encourage me to talk even more since I love cookies lol.

FYI - I did enjoy your post, the cookie thing just gave me a chuckle :grin2:


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

EllisRedding said:


> Why a cookie? Honestly if I was your H that would only encourage me to talk even more since I love cookies lol.
> 
> FYI - I did enjoy your post, the cookie thing just gave me a chuckle :grin2:


Ha ha, glad I could give you a chuckle. The cookie comment was condescending and meant that since he was so insecure that he needed a pat on the back for having fvcked so many women I'd reward him with a cookie.

I think the condescending tone killed his cookie appetite 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

marduk said:


> It's not so odd. My ex wife was cheating on me, left, we signed a separation agreement, and THEN she found out I was dating.
> 
> And hit the roof.
> 
> ...


Some women do like to think that their ex is pining over them. It's a huge ego thing......they're soooooooo special that hubby just can't move on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JoeHenderson (Oct 3, 2011)

You're clearly obsessing to the point of adding unneeded details. Then you go on to share how big you are. You can keep doing the mindfulness for your thoughts, but this all wreaks of you needing to work through your insecurities. Your woman is sexual. Now she's sexual with you. Enjoy her sexuality, don't let it be a hot bed for self doubt or jealousy.


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

I do not think that two confessions while drunk represents "ramming it down your throat". 

I also think a new poster, first post, telling us his **** size is 7" and he rams her cervix sounds a little trolley. But maybe that's just me


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

EllisRedding said:


> Serious, that is about as stupid as you can get (your ex, not you lol). Seriously wonder wtf is going through someone's mind like that


Oh, it's simple entitlement.

She couldn't believe I wasn't just sitting around crushed because she left me, pining over her, and a giant loser.

The same kind of thing that drove her to cheat to begin with, and has never married again, or had kids (which is something she always said she wanted).

She could always do better.


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## JoeHenderson (Oct 3, 2011)

anonmd said:


> I do not think that two confessions while drunk represents "ramming it down your throat".
> 
> I also think a new poster, first post, telling us his **** size is 7" and he rams her cervix sounds a little trolley. But maybe that's just me


Yeah I'd wait at least until the third post...


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## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

If someone acts in a way that seriously goes against your values thats a deal breaker. From what you're saying, i get the impression you would end up having a problem with just about anyone. You really do need to get these feelings under control and figure out why you are having them in the first place or you are going to end up to be very lonely. It is best that you leave this relationship . You're not ready for one. Find a new therapist and do the work.


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## JoeHenderson (Oct 3, 2011)

inarut said:


> If someone acts in a way that seriously goes against your values thats a deal breaker. From what you're saying, i get the impression you would end up having a problem with just about anyone. You really do need to get these feelings under control and figure out why you are having them in the first place or you are going to end up to be very lonely. It is best that you leave this relationship . You're not ready for one. Find a new therapist and do the work.


Agreed.


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## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

EnjoliWoman said:


> It's one thing to share sexual history but details like that seem callous. It's a shame. I can't imagine why she would want to give such details unless it was to make you feel certain she was desirable? It seems like you are OK with her having a past, but details like his cum leaking out of her on her walk home are best left unsaid. I'm sorry.


The way he talks, seems like maybe the callousness and definitely the details of cum dripping are from his obsession.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

aboutdone said:


> I'm moving on. It's been 4 years of trying to deal with this. I went to a psychiatrist about it and was given the predictable "she is only what she is today because of her past" and "She is yours now and she picked you"
> 
> Was expecting more from a medical professional.
> 
> ...


First, the problem is not that she opened up about her past sexual experiences/partners, its that you need to deal with your own insecurities.

To the bolded parts: you say you get it, we all want it, but then its one or two fictional details you invented in your mind about what that means that is causing you to pause on your thoughts. You are torturing yourself here, if your W had been a party girl with thousands of greaseball men, vs a virginal puritan with no experience, how would that affect the relationship you currently have with her either way? Is your relationship good or not?

You do not own your W and her body is not your possession, whatever she used it for in the past the body is an amazing thing at filtering, cleansing, healing and regenerating. The cells in our bodies replace themselves continuously. So I really don't see what could possibly cause any feelings of revulsion or disgust, especially if she is attractive and treats you respectfully.

So when you say "moving on", you mean walking out of the marriage? How is that going to fix "your" issue?

By the way, your comments on here are incredibly trollish sounding (unnecessarily graphic) so no surprise to me if you don't have any good points to make.


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## aboutdone (Oct 30, 2015)

Not trolling. just being honest. I thought the sex in marriage forum was open to any talk. Sorry if I've offended anyone. This might not be the best forum for me but wanted to say my thoughts.
We all have issues. I have tried hard to get over this one. My wife has issues. Bigger than my own.
I want this to go away.
I am moving on. It's best for us both. Have my own apartment now.
Talking it out with her doesn't work. It's backfired.
Happy to get old with a woman 10 years older than me.
Thanks for the posts people.
Sex is fun but doesn't mean a thing if you don't love and respect the partner.
Being able to hug and hold someone after and before sex is way more fun.
Maybe It's my fault. Frankly I don't know. We just don't respect each other anymore.


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## JoeHenderson (Oct 3, 2011)

Maybe it's best for you both to walk away. Just continue to work on you and hopefully it works out better next time. Good luck to you.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

So let me get this straight... based on talking about when she was 25 and had a FWB going... she must have been 27+ when you got together?

She's had a sack count of two and both appear to have been longish relationships, even if a FWB. And she always used a condom? I just don't see anything here to be bothered by. It's not like she was doing anything outrageous or wild that was uncovered.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

EnjoliWoman said:


> It's one thing to share sexual history but details like that seem callous. It's a shame. I can't imagine why she would want to give such details unless it was to make you feel certain she was desirable? It seems like you are OK with her having a past, but details like his cum leaking out of her on her walk home are best left unsaid. I'm sorry.


Word.

And who would even ASK for these kinds of details?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

larry.gray said:


> So let me get this straight... based on talking about when she was 25 and had a FWB going... she must have been 27+ when you got together?
> 
> She's had a sack count of two and both appear to have been longish relationships, even if a FWB. And she always used a condom? I just don't see anything here to be bothered by. It's not like she was doing anything outrageous or wild that was uncovered.


I think he's bothered mostly by the extraneous details, along w/ the callously unsolicited manner in which she presented them to him.


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## JoeHenderson (Oct 3, 2011)

GusPolinski said:


> larry.gray said:
> 
> 
> > So let me get this straight... based on talking about when she was 25 and had a FWB going... she must have been 27+ when you got together?
> ...


He added a few of these extraneous details with his rumination.


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## hairyhead (Oct 30, 2015)

Get over it. Your wife's experience is no different or more than most.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

aboutdone said:


> Not trolling. just being honest. I thought the sex in marriage forum was open to any talk. Sorry if I've offended anyone. This might not be the best forum for me but wanted to say my thoughts.
> We all have issues. I have tried hard to get over this one. My wife has issues. Bigger than my own.
> I want this to go away.
> I am moving on. It's best for us both. Have my own apartment now.
> ...


I doubt anyone here is offended at all, I'm just suggesting you seem very open about talking about whatever graphic stuff you like to do together with your W, and seem fine that any other consenting adult would, just so long as it never in the past involved your W before you were even with her. If you are being genuine you have some very serious possessiveness issues that your counsellor should have picked up on.

I'm not even sure I want to ask you, at this point, to elaborate on these other things you just mentioned (your w's bigger than thou problems, an older woman and the loss of respect, which from you OP stems all from your inability to cope with the thoughts of sex).


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## aboutdone (Oct 30, 2015)

I have some stuff to sort out. Thanks for the replies. Many made more sense than my psychiatrist's. I get it, all women have a past. I just didn't ask to hear the details. The only part that was my imagination/obsessing was my stupid leaking out comment. I have had plenty of women before marriage. I never had a f#ck buddy like my wife. I had girlfriends. They had a 2year NSA come over for a ride understanding. I swear I went into this not giving a crap about her x's. The details I was made privy to when I didn't ask to hear about them it is what did me in.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

aboutdone said:


> I have some stuff to sort out. Thanks for the replies. Many made more sense than my psychiatrist's. I get it, all women have a past. I just didn't ask to hear the details. The only part that was my imagination/obsessing was my stupid leaking out comment. I have had plenty of women before marriage. I never had a f#ck buddy like my wife. I had girlfriends. They had a 2year NSA come over for a ride understanding. I swear I went into this not giving a crap about her x's. The details I was made privy to when I didn't ask to hear about them it is what did me in.


Well, if I put myself in your shoes, I think it would be very difficult. You can't unhear those things. All you can do is try to erase the mind movies from your brain, but I don't know how to do that.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Silence is truly golden!

It's just too damn unfortunate that more people don't ever come to realize that sobering fact!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

aboutdone said:


> I have some stuff to sort out. Thanks for the replies. Many made more sense than my psychiatrist's. I get it, all women have a past. I just didn't ask to hear the details. The only part that was my imagination/obsessing was my stupid leaking out comment. I have had plenty of women before marriage. I never had a f#ck buddy like my wife. I had girlfriends. They had a 2year NSA come over for a ride understanding. *I swear I went into this not giving a crap about her x's. The details I was made privy to when I didn't ask to hear about them it is what did me in*.


I can relate to these feelings, however, I did not let them do me in. My wife has been an over sharer of things I did not ask to hear, nor have any desire what so ever to hear. 

I think the hardest thing for me is that some of the things show that she is able to compartmentalize sex and relationships in ways I am not capable of, and it's root is a fear that I am not in the compartment I want to be in. By sharing in the ways she has, it reinforces the questions, raises new questions of which compartment I am in rather than reassure me that I am in the one I want to be in, the one a husband should be in. Sort of the difference between being special or just another number.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

aboutdone said:


> I have some stuff to sort out. Thanks for the replies. Many made more sense than my psychiatrist's. I get it, all women have a past. I just didn't ask to hear the details. The only part that was my imagination/obsessing was my stupid leaking out comment. I have had plenty of women before marriage. I never had a f#ck buddy like my wife. I had girlfriends. They had a 2year NSA come over for a ride understanding. I swear I went into this not giving a crap about her x's. The details I was made privy to when I didn't ask to hear about them it is what did me in.


I think the best bet is to focus your therapy on your self-esteem and confidence, some of that stuff will just come naturally with your own maturity and experience. 

Forget about therapy to focus what your wife said, I don't think it really matters. Once you are confident in yourself you'll be able to stop overthinking, worrying, comparing, blaming. 

You really can't blame your wife for you not wanting to have or enjoying sex with her for 4 years. She made a mistake in sharing details with someone who couldn't deal with them but spending 4 years not wanting to make love, cuddle, give oral becomes a punishment and not a reaction. 

Honestly I am more worried about the effects that being rejected in that way and for those reasons had on her. You felt insulted, felt your ego get hurt, felt like maybe you didn't measure up and make you question yourself and your body. She's likely going through the same thing, being rejected sexually can, for the lack of a better term, really f*ck you up. 

A brief time to rebond and get over resentments is reasonable. Keeping someone hanging on to hope for 4 years is just not. I've been there, done that. You have to take that responsibility on yourself.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

samyeagar said:


> I can relate to these feelings, however, I did not let them do me in. My wife has been an over sharer of things I did not ask to hear, nor have any desire what so ever to hear.
> 
> I think the hardest thing for me is that some of the things show that she is able to compartmentalize sex and relationships in ways I am not capable of, and it's root is a fear that I am not in the compartment I want to be in. By sharing in the ways she has, it reinforces the questions, raises new questions of which compartment I am in rather than reassure me that I am in the one I want to be in, the one a husband should be in. *Sort of the difference between being special or just another number*.


Yes. This is often how I've felt with the oversharing, though it has gotten much better since our blowup.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

lifeistooshort said:


> Yes. This is often how I've felt with the oversharing, though it has gotten much better since our blowup.


Do you think this is because you are feeling more special, or because you no longer care about feeling that way and have accepted that you aren't?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

samyeagar said:


> Do you think this is because you are feeling more special, or because you no longer care about feeling that way and have accepted that you aren't?


Good question.

I do feel a little more special. My husband is a wonderful husband in many ways and he really does do a lot to show me that I am special. Also, I've come to have what I think is a better understanding of where the oversharing was coming from, at least in his case.

It has its roots in the fact that I'm 19 years younger and not only is husband having trouble getting older in general, but he also has to look at me and my younger self. While he likes the fact that I'm younger it also makes him a little insecure, so that combined with his tendency to be passive aggressive because he doesn't do conflict well causes him to take little shots at me. He found that the oversharing was a cute little tool he had to level the emotional playing field. He has made comments that it would be easy for me to replace him, which in his defense if you look at it from a strictly pragmatic point of view is probably true. While I'm certainly not a beauty queen I'm fairly attractive and I'm in very good physical shape, I make good money and am a good cook. And it's just not that hard for decent women to find men. Plus I like older men :smile2:

But I really do love my husband, which is why I even care about these things. I told him if I didn't love him so much I wouldn't give a rat's behind what he did or what he talked about and he said he was happy to hear that I loved him. I also told him that this is about basic respect and if he couldn't handle being married to me without being rude then maybe this wasn't a good relationship for him and he should find someone his own age whom he didn't find threatening.

I don't think he understood how damaging it was; I think he just imagined it was something to elevate him as someone desirable. It didn't occur to him that he was sending the message that he was spending a lot of time thinking about exes because when I brought that up he seemed genuinely surprised. And the oversharing I ultimately did to him provided him with some empathy, which I think can go a long way. I can guarantee he did not want to know about that huge c0ck I told him about so now if he wants to swap stories he knows what he'll get.

What about you? How would you answer your question?


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## JoeHenderson (Oct 3, 2011)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> aboutdone said:
> 
> 
> > I have some stuff to sort out. Thanks for the replies. Many made more sense than my psychiatrist's. I get it, all women have a past. I just didn't ask to hear the details. The only part that was my imagination/obsessing was my stupid leaking out comment. I have had plenty of women before marriage. I never had a f#ck buddy like my wife. I had girlfriends. They had a 2year NSA come over for a ride understanding. I swear I went into this not giving a crap about her x's. The details I was made privy to when I didn't ask to hear about them it is what did me in.
> ...


Yes, the self esteem is the constant. It's ok. Many of us struggle with self esteem. I would have struggled with the oversharing too. Now i'd take it as a challenge to get her off.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Sad. What a waste of 4 years.
> 
> I think at least you mostly understand this is a 'you' problem and nothing wrong with your wife. I agree you'll have to be clear with any potential partners about your issues so you can avoid going through this all over again but a lot of times details do come out, you may read something from her past or learn about it a different way. Maybe continue with the professionals, try a new one, to get to the root of the problem.



I would have a problem too if my wife would brag to me about the guys she fvcked and sucked before me.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> I think he's bothered mostly by the extraneous details, along w/ the callously unsolicited manner in which she presented them to him.


On the contrary, I think our OP deliberately got her buzzed on vino, and then pumped her for details of her past sex life...He was then unable to handle what he discovered....

As BMF Jules said in Pulp Fiction "If my answers scare you, you should cease asking scary questions"....


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

My wife was married at 16 for 10 yrs to serial cheater. I met her just before divorce was final. Should have beat his ass for crap I've endured because of him. A few years ago she got all suspicious about My coworker, I looked at like an aunt, old enough to be my mother.

We were in my wife's car and wife was saying how older women can become attached to someone and since her husband is passed she is lonely and women have a way with persuading men. She got pissed because I would not agree with her and as a jab or warning she stated " Just so you know, after I left XWH I went hog wild." so basically the woman who I prized and loved and thought had very low partner count just admitted to me she was a *****. That hurt. I just went knumb and all I could say was yes, when she asked me to take her back to My car. I just went back to work and did not talk to her till I got home that evening.

She said she felt like she had cheated on me with the look on my face, she even spent the day looking for an apartment and asked me if I wanted her to leave the house. Turns out the hog wild was two revenge ONS after she caught 1st hubby three different times.

There used to be a girl I was smitten with in college, until one night she talked about her fvck buddy back home. 1st time hearing that term, now its FWB.If they went out and were horny and did not bring someone home from the bar they would call each other and hook up. This shallowness blew my mind! My view of her changed immediately.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

aboutdone said:


> I'm moving on. It's been 4 years of trying to deal with this. I went to a psychiatrist about it and was given the predictable "she is only what she is today because of her past" and "She is yours now and she picked you"
> 
> Was expecting more from a medical professional.
> 
> ...


The solution for you is to tell the next woman you become serious with that you have OCRJ (obsessive compulsive retroactive jealously) and that you'll fixate on her sexual past if she tells you anything. The things you let tear you up inside are a normal part of most peoples sexual past so if it causes you problems like this then warn whoever you're with. I don't particularly want to hear details either but it's simple enough to say (eww don't tell me that), and then I'd forget it.

Your advice does make sense though. Most people don't want details.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

aboutdone said:


> The "mess leaking out" was not a detail she shared. But if anyone has had sex they know it's a fact.
> She has never had unprotected sex in her life.
> All the rest she told me.
> I'm just sad and wish something as stupid as this wasn't ruining my marriage.


Try another doctor because there are medicines to help with intrusive thoughts. if you imagine standing on a high ledge, the thought can pop in your mind about what if I stepped off this. For someone with intrusive thoughts, they actually consider it and it's apparently really scary to realize that they could have done it. But there are medications to prevent those kind of thoughts and they may help with your intrusive thoughts as well. It sounds like you don't want to focus on this but just can't help it.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

aboutdone said:


> I'm moving on. It's been 4 years of trying to deal with this. I went to a psychiatrist about it and was given the predictable "she is only what she is today because of her past" and "She is yours now and she picked you"
> 
> Was expecting more from a medical professional.
> 
> ...



You have to understand that "everyone" has a sexual past. "Everyone".

We all have done past sexual things we aren't proud of.......

If you wanted more a pure, innocent, sweet, virgin type, then you should of dated and married a woman like that.

While dating her, you should of discussed everything past to present before getting married to her.

If she tells you about her sexual past, before you married her, there is no reason to freak out and divorce her. Use her experiences to enhance your marriage together.

I doubt you were a virgin, right?

If Mrs.CuddleBug had two guys before she met and married me, I wouldn't freak out because its in her past. Of course I would have her checked for STD's just to be safe, like I had myself checked at her request. Didn't bother me at all because I have nothing to hide.

Now do Mrs.CuddleBug and I talk in detail about our sexual pasts? No. It does come up once in a while but the past is the past. Do I care her last boyfriend was a jerk, got oral from Mrs.CuddleBug and he fingered her? No. Mrs.CuddleBug told me and its okay. I told her my last girlfriend was a partier and what we did. Did Mrs.CuddleBug freak out? No.

Now if your wife knew talking about her sexual past made you very upset, then she should of left her sexual past and never spoke of it.

Divorcing your wife because of her sexual "past" is lame. You should be using that experience to spice it up and she could seriously rock your world......


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

aboutdone said:


> I'm moving on. It's been 4 years of trying to deal with this. I went to a psychiatrist about it and was given the predictable "she is only what she is today because of her past" and "She is yours now and she picked you"
> 
> Was expecting more from a medical professional.
> 
> ...


Sounds like you really have two choices:

Grow up about sex

or 
Join a monastery

Yes, teaching children to be prudes and untight and overly-sensitive makes them unable to handle the idea that their partners might actually be real people.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

arbitrator said:


> *Silence is truly golden!
> 
> It's just too damn unfortunate that more people don't ever come to realize that sobering fact!*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


And, as the saying goes, "loose lips sink ships"; or in these cases, marriages. I do have to wonder why she would reminisce about her sexual history to the person who would least enjoy hearing about it. Women are always strategic with their "sharing". This dame had a purpose. Take my word for it. (Alcohol consumption is often used as a media to soften the blow after saying what you want and later crawfish away from it)


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

ThePheonix said:


> And, as the saying goes, "loose lips sink ships"; or in these cases, marriages. I do have to wonder why she would reminisce about her sexual history to the person who would least enjoy hearing about it. Women are always strategic with their "sharing". This dame had a purpose. Take my word for it. (Alcohol consumption is often used as a media to soften the blow after saying what you want and later crawfish away from it)


No, women are not always strategic. Sometimes they just talk about stuff not realizing their partner will have issues with it, there's a lot of people who wouldn't. No one would expect issues of this size. Many women consider themselves also friends with our spouses and girls can be dirty with their friends, trust me you haven't heard locker room chat until you've been with a group of women lol! 

But it also really depends on the context and the tone. He's already added some things to the stories that she didn't say.
There's a difference between

'OMG, my last boyfriend's penis was SOOOOO huge that he had to go down on me just to get it in lol!! Then it hurt the next day"

and simply discussing size in general and the issues she had with her last BF. 

I've discussed previous size with my H. Why? Because he's like goldilocks and the 2 bears. Juuuuust right. Too big = problems. Too small = problems. 

There's also a difference between
"My 2 year FWB was within walking distance so we'd just walk to and from when we'd meet each other"
and
"When I was walking home I'd be leaking all his cum down my legs... so hot!"


My H isn't just my H. He's also one of my only and my best friend. He is also the only person in the world who knows everything about me. 
Honestly that part is almost harder to lose than the H part and that is a bond that makes everything stronger. People should feel comfortable being themselves, a little TMI slip 4 years ago doesn't justify his reaction.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

ThePheonix said:


> And, as the saying goes, "loose lips sink ships"; or in these cases, marriages. I do have to wonder why she would reminisce about her sexual history to the person who would least enjoy hearing about it. Women are always strategic with their "sharing". This dame had a purpose. Take my word for it. (Alcohol consumption is often used as a media to soften the blow after saying what you want and later crawfish away from it)


*Unfortunately, the art of adulterous "crawfishing" comes in three unique ways: (1) Outright denial ~ "nothing happened," or at least "nothing" that their BS has a need to ever know about, (2) Trickle-Truthing ~ only letting out the least essential details of their lurid affair, preemptively just "a little bit at a time, and basically to convey enough information to substantiated the presence and probably the justification for the presence of their affair, and (3) Open Confessional ~ either their conscience starts eating them up or enough information is ferreted out against them that they fastly realize that the "jig is up" and that accordingly, a complete and utter confessional would be good for their soul!

Inasfar as deception is concerned, all three cases are just as venomous and conniving as each other, with the WS often doing little to nothing about minimizing their presence with their AP, although they may tell the the BS that they will never see them again ~ in reality they take their sordidness further underground moreso out of plain view of everyone!

In my mind's eye, a heartfelt confessional is greatly an extension of a persons conscience, not necessarily from the standpoint that it's going to bring an abrupt end to their affair, but they have some desire to let their affected BS know some or all elements of the truth that has been heretofore deceptively placed upon their unknowing or unwitting shoulders!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> *No, women are not always strategic. Sometimes they just talk about stuff not realizing their partner will have issues with it*, there's a lot of people who wouldn't. No one would expect issues of this size. Many women consider themselves also friends with our spouses and girls can be dirty with their friends, trust me you haven't heard locker room chat until you've been with a group of women lol!
> 
> But it also really depends on the context and the tone. He's already added some things to the stories that she didn't say.
> There's a difference between
> ...


I think you're right with this. I also think it's an issue with filters. There are some things that most people wouldn't discuss with their best friends. Like, if you and your best friend's husband had been FWB for the year before they met. I doubt it would be a topic of conversation.

My wife and I had planned on getting married in Vegas, and spending a few days there. She was really excited because she had been there a couple of times with her ex husband and wanted to go back. I had never been there before, and was looking forward to seeing some things too.

One night shortly after I proposed, we were all sitting around with about eight or so friends, and of course the impending wedding was a hot topic. Come to find out, my wife's sister and her husband were thinking about going to Vegas for a little get away. My wife started talking about all the things to see, and the best places to stay. That there was this one hotel they absolutely had to stay at least one night in because it had balconies that faced the strip, and if you were on a high enough floor, you could go out on it and fvck without anyone seeing and get a great view too. And with a healthy dose of wink, wink, nudge, nudge, she added that you didn't have to worry about how loud you got either. That was the hotel she wanted to spend our wedding night in too.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

I've honestly never had a best friend who I couldn't or wouldn't share with but my friends have been the kind where one even called me from the bathroom to discuss the sex and penis of the man she had just slept with who was in the other room. I think that is more common than you'd think. If men could be a fly on the wall in a group of best friends you'd be shocked and probably even a little grossed out. TMI is more like the girl who was 69ing with a guy and was facing a chunk of poop left over in his butt hair the whole time. 

I guess in that one situation where you've slept with their husband.

Everything else though is fair game and with some of my friend's stories... whether you want to hear it or not. So yes these things should be saved between girlfriends but constantly having to filter yourself around the one person who you're sharing your entire life with, your best friend for the rest of your life, being careful about everything you say, would be too much for some people. If it comes up and it made you uncomfortable then communicate and then brush it off. Dwelling for 4 years is ridiculous IMO.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

aboutdone said:


> I'm moving on. It's been 4 years of trying to deal with this. I went to a psychiatrist about it and was given the predictable "she is only what she is today because of her past" and "She is yours now and she picked you"
> 
> Was expecting more from a medical professional.
> 
> ...


Sorry man. You didn't ask for it and she told you some graphic details anyway. Not brilliant on her part.

I wouldn't have even wanted to know that much detail. I probably would have just shut her up with penis in her mouth.

I'm uber confident but might have been grossed out if Mrs. Conan wanted to go into that much detail especially without my asking.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

I think you are being overdramatic. Most people have a sexual past as it's rare to be a virgin when you get married. Were you a virgin? I doubt it, odds are you have had sex with other women. Why is ok for you but not for her to be with other men. If you were just dating here and couldn't handle her past then I agree you should break up with her but you are married and it really surprises me that you would get a divorce over something she did before you met. This didn't happen when you were married to her. I think you have some issues you need to deal with that has nothing to do with your wife.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Happilymarried25 said:


> I think you are being overdramatic. Most people have a sexual past as it's rare to be a virgin when you get married. Were you a virgin? I doubt it, odds are you have had sex with other women. Why is ok for you but not for her to be with other men. If you were just dating here and couldn't handle her past then I agree you should break up with her but you are married and it really surprises me that you would get a divorce over something she did before you met. This didn't happen when you were married to her. I think you have some issues you need to deal with that has nothing to do with your wife.


He wasn't worried about her past and didn't want to know. She decided to inform him about it in unnecessary detail.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

GusPolinski said:


> I think he's bothered mostly by the extraneous details, along w/ the callously unsolicited manner in which she presented them to him.


He admitted that many of those extraneous details were his own imagination filling in the gaps.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

ConanHub said:


> He wasn't worried about her past and didn't want to know. She decided to inform him about it in unnecessary detail.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I can get behind the BFs penis size being TMI and unnecessary detail, other than "yours is much better because it doesn't hurt after" but the just the fact that she _walked home_ from her FWB's house was enough to set him off and make up stuff that didn't even happen. It's not that she had a FWB, that she _walked _home. Who the heck would think that would matter at all?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> I can get behind the BFs penis size being TMI and unnecessary detail, other than "yours is much better because it doesn't hurt after" but the just the fact that she _walked home_ from her FWB's house was enough to set him off and make up stuff that didn't even happen. It's not that she had a FWB, that she _walked _home. Who the heck would think that would matter at all?


According to him the only thing he made up was the dripping part. Did I miss something?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> I can get behind the BFs penis size being TMI and unnecessary detail, other than "yours is much better because it doesn't hurt after" but the just the fact that she _walked home_ from her FWB's house was enough to set him off and make up stuff that didn't even happen. It's not that she had a FWB, that she _walked _home. Who the heck would think that would matter at all?


Yeah. I caught that. OP probably has a couple of issues himself but his lady definitely over shared.

Like I said, I would have shut her up with sex but if she insisted on sharing details I would have gotten kind of grossed out. Not a confidence issue at all but an ick factor.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Trust me, the girl had a purpose. A persons spouse is often accused of being their best friend; but not the type of same sex best friend you share hot stories about your sexual exploits. Women know they are pushing buttons when they share these experiences with their husbands/boyfriends. (just like men do if they tell their wives about the big breasted ex-girlfriend that was tight as a drum and could suck start a leaf blower. Unless youre a nincompoop without the ability to understand what may hurt someone, you just don't casually "share" that sort of thing without ulterior motives.) I'm giving the girls credit for not being a complete airheads.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
In reality your enemy here is you. Yes, your wife used poor judgement in disclosing her past encounters but you are just as guilty, allowing your mind to paint all sorts of imaginary pictures. The fact is that it is your inability to control your own mind that is causing your angst. Unless you find a woman who has lived in relative seclusion you will not find anyone without some sexual history. I believe there are other issues here that you have not disclosed that are driving your actions.

If your wife is not what you want then so be it, move on but if she is you are allowing an overactive imagination to destroy an otherwise good M. If you desire to be stay with her you must force your mind to go elsewhere when the "mind movies" start playing. It can be done but you must want to do it, if you dwell on the movies then you will conjur up more than enough imaginary data to kill any mood.

It is your prerogative to end a M over any issue you choose but this one is rather insignificant in the grand scheme. From all accounts here you have a loving, faithful, very hot wife that you are about to throw out because she has some sexual history. I dare say when you D her some cheated on, lied to man will be happy to find a woman like her. One mans trash is another mans treasure. Good fortune in whatever you decide.


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

aboutdone said:


> The "mess leaking out" was not a detail she shared. But if anyone has had sex they know it's a fact.
> She has never had unprotected sex in her life.
> All the rest she told me.
> I'm just sad and wish something as stupid as this wasn't ruining my marriage.


Is it possible that your reaction to the stories is YOUR problem?

Every sexual partner (with rare virginal exceptions) has a past. And their past history has affected them. I have no idea why she wanted to share with her, but there is a reason. It might be interesting to find out.


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

Divinely Favored said:


> I would have a problem too if my wife would brag to me about the guys she fvcked and sucked before me.


Except that she chose YOU to marry. It seems that she preferred YOU to those other guys. Some might think it a compliment.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

sidney2718 said:


> Except that she chose YOU to marry. It seems that she preferred YOU to those other guys. Some might think it a compliment.



Most men aren't going to think that. Oh great, she chose me over the guy with the huge unit. He was probably broke. Or dumped her.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

aboutdone said:


> Good comments. She has a big mouth and doesn't really get how hurt I get.
> 
> Don't want a virgin. I'd marry a prostitute. Don't care.
> 
> ...


So you have a great sex life with your wife. But her past bothers you enough for you to dump her... I guess that blows the theory out of the water that men only care about the past when their sex life with their wife sucks or is non-existent.

I don't get the obsession of 'walking'. Would it be better if they drove?
.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

aboutdone,

Please check your PM's.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> So you have a great sex life with your wife. But her past bothers you enough for you to dump her... *I guess that blows the theory out of the water that men only care about the past when their sex life with their wife sucks or is non-existent.*
> 
> I don't get the obsession of 'walking'. Would it be better if they drove?
> .


Come on Ele, you have to know better than that. One brand new poster saying something contrary does not invalidate what multiple, level headed, long time posters have said. Of course there will be exceptions.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

inarut said:


> If someone acts in a way that seriously goes against your values thats a deal breaker. From what you're saying, i get the impression you would end up having a problem with just about anyone. You really do need to get these feelings under control and figure out why you are having them in the first place or you are going to end up to be very lonely. It is best that you leave this relationship . You're not ready for one. Find a new therapist and do the work.


Why a new therapist, it sounds like the one the OP has is doing their job:
"she is only what she is today because of her past" and "She is yours now and she picked you"
The OP is the one with the issues, he even rejects the advise of his therapist. Perhaps they haven't gotten uncovered the underlying issue that the OP is hiding to deal with it yet?


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

samyeagar said:


> I can relate to these feelings, however, I did not let them do me in. My wife has been an over sharer of things I did not ask to hear, nor have any desire what so ever to hear.
> 
> I think the hardest thing for me is that some of the things show that she is able to compartmentalize sex and relationships in ways I am not capable of, and it's root is a fear that I am not in the compartment I want to be in. By sharing in the ways she has, it reinforces the questions, raises new questions of which compartment I am in rather than reassure me that I am in the one I want to be in, the one a husband should be in. Sort of the difference between being special or just another number.


That is a really, really good way of putting it! (and it helps me, immensely, believe it or not).

I wouldn't quite say I have RJ, at least not as bad as OP and some others, but how my wife, like yours, compartmentalizes sex and relationships and how that makes me feel is bang on.

My wife learned early on that hearing snippets of her past is not something that I want. At first, she didn't understand, but she came around quickly.

But as you said, it's the ability to compartmentalize on her part that allows/allowed her to speak relatively freely about it.

As a quick example, she once had a laugh with her girlfriend, in front of me, about this guy who was into spanking, tried to do it to her, during sex, and how she hated it. She then turned to me and told me, jokingly, but also serious, to never try that with her.

I can only imagine the look that was on my face, but she stopped laughing immediately, if I recall.

I did explain to her some time later that it's not at all the thought that she had experiences prior to me that bothers me (it really doesn't), but that it's the mental picture it creates of my wife being spanked, for example, by some dude.

I don't know. I'd never tell my wife that an ex of mine used to bite my nipples during sex and I hated it, so "never try that, please". Right? If my wife tried that, I'd let her know that's not my thing. No need for a backstory.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> I think the best bet is to focus your therapy on your self-esteem and confidence, some of that stuff will just come naturally with your own maturity and experience.
> 
> Forget about therapy to focus what your wife said, I don't think it really matters. Once you are confident in yourself you'll be able to stop overthinking, worrying, comparing, blaming.


I disagree, more or less, with the insinuation that this is a confidence thing. It's easy to say that to somebody, but it's not always the case.

OCD and it's associated thought patterns are driven by anxiety, among others things. Confidence, self-esteem and maturity don't dictate things like this.

I have minor OCD, which I won't get in depth about here, and this is what drives my thought patterns on a lot of things (many very innocuous and mundane).

I have all the confidence in the world with regards to my wife and our marriage. I have no doubt that I don't even come close to comparing with anybody from her past, and if I do, it's in my favour. I'm not perfect, of course, but I simply don't compare myself.

9 times out of 10, this is not what RJ is about. I KNOW it's not with me.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

EleGirl said:


> I don't get the obsession of 'walking'. Would it be better if they drove?
> .


Just a guess, but maybe it's because it was so convenient for her, and that bothers him. Like somehow, if there was an actual effort involved, it insinuates it was more meaningful.

I dunno. Some people, myself included to a degree, tend to view sex as a slightly bigger deal than "I'm bored, let's bone. Be over in 5 minutes." Don't get me wrong, I'm all for pre-marital sex, but at least make it somewhat important somehow.

I'm just not a fan of the FWB or ONS thing. Oddly enough, FWB, to me anyway, is outside of my realm of understanding. It's ONLY about the sex. At the very least, a ONS is often about an ego boost, self-esteem, re-gaining lost confidence, whatever, as well as sex (but not always. Sometimes the need for sex is non-existent and it's everything else that's beneficial).

The FWB is solely about sex. You find somebody that's a good match for you, and vice versa, and carry on no relationship whatsoever, except for getting off. It cheapens the whole thing, and that's how you end up compartmentalizing it to a degree that you have little or no filter and the mindset that "it's just sex".


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

alexm said:


> That is a really, really good way of putting it! (and it helps me, immensely, believe it or not).
> 
> I wouldn't quite say I have RJ, at least not as bad as OP and some others, but how my wife, like yours, compartmentalizes sex and relationships and how that makes me feel is bang on.
> 
> ...


Your anecdote just reminded me of something almost identical happening with my wife and I. It was really late, we had just finished in spooning position. We were laying there, both on the verge of falling asleep, when she jumped up out of bed rather hastily, and apologetically said that the last time she had fallen asleep with someone inside her, she got pregnant with her then 18 year old son, and ever since then, hasn't been able to fall asleep when someone was inside her.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

alexm said:


> I disagree, more or less, with the insinuation that this is a confidence thing. It's easy to say that to somebody, but it's not always the case.
> 
> OCD and it's associated thought patterns are driven by anxiety, among others things. Confidence, self-esteem and maturity don't dictate things like this.
> 
> ...


You are right, there is likely some OCD issues there. The reason I felt confidence was a problem is just some of the other little things like the need to build himself up (penis size, "I'm great at ...") or him comparing himself to other people. I don't think all people with obsessive thoughts have issues with confidence but many times problems are co-morbid. He specifically sounds, to me, like he has issues with confidence and maybe even depression causing OCD to worsen.
Either way, his therapy focus should be on himself and not what words his wife said. Likely they could have been anything to set him off.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

lifeistooshort said:


> Good question.
> 
> I do feel a little more special. My husband is a wonderful husband in many ways and he really does do a lot to show me that I am special. Also, I've come to have what I think is a better understanding of where the oversharing was coming from, at least in his case.
> 
> ...


I think for me, it is more coming to a point of acceptance over feeling special. I think it comes down to difficulties with us not speaking the same language. We have a great sex life, but sometimes I feel as if it is just simply an activity that she really enjoys, and I happen to be the partner she enjoys it with the most. That it's not so much me as a person as it is that I am just the most skilled at getting her to where she wants to be. Sort of how I look at playing golf.


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## Heatherknows (Aug 21, 2015)

samyeagar said:


> I think for me, it is more coming to a point of acceptance over feeling special. I think it comes down to difficulties with us not speaking the same language. We have a great sex life, but sometimes I feel as if it is just simply an activity that she really enjoys, and I happen to be the partner she enjoys it with the most. That it's not so much me as a person as it is that I am just the most skilled at getting her to where she wants to be. Sort of how I look at playing golf.


It sort of sounds like you feel you should be enjoying it more?


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> You are right, there is likely some OCD issues there. The reason I felt confidence was a problem is just some of the other little things like the need to build himself up (penis size, "I'm great at ...") or him comparing himself to other people. I don't think all people with obsessive thoughts have issues with confidence but many times problems are co-morbid. He specifically sounds, to me, like he has issues with confidence and maybe even depression causing OCD to worsen.
> Either way, his therapy focus should be on himself and not what words his wife said. Likely they could have been anything to set him off.


I agree with this, and you are right.

As I said, I have very little issues with confidence (at least not with my wife. We all have confidence issues with something, I suppose.)

I remember my ex wife telling me an anecdote (and this is when we were 17, 18, just started dating) about how some guy she was seeing left the house a little... excited... one day, and how it was sticking right up, out of his pocket, and her mom noticed. A funny story, to be sure. But then it occurred to me how big he must have been to have poked up and be visible out of his pocket. I, of course, inquired, and sure enough, he was extra large.

It bothered me, but I suppose only because I could not replicate this feat (hey, I was like 18! Of course I tried!) And I was/am not small in that area, but not like that. One thing lead to another, and we had the expected "it was too big, it hurt, blah blah blah conversation.

So even then, it was not a "confidence" thing, but rather a comparison thing.

I've grown up since then. But still.


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## NorCalMan (Dec 14, 2011)

My wife had a varied sex life prior to our meeting. I have found out that she had men who were bigger than me - smaller than me - and guys who "rocked her world". While these guys may have been great sex partners, they were lacking in other areas. Like wise I had a girlfriend once who was the best at sex I'd ever had ( or since!) I dropped her when I found out she had a drug problem and cheated on me. Eventually I met my wife and she and I are a great pair. We chose each other since when ALL things were considered, it was a perfect match! Am I the best lover my wife has ever had? Absolutely not ... and she does not come close to the gal I mentioned earlier who was a love/sex goddess.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

samyeagar said:


> Come on Ele, you have to know better than that. One brand new poster saying something contrary does not invalidate what multiple, level headed, long time posters have said. Of course there will be exceptions.


Except that I know of cases where there is no problem in the bedroom. But there is a huge problem with RJ and other shaming kind of treatment.

I agree that if there are problems in the relationship, RJ and other such behaviors are more likely to occur than when there are not problems.

But it happens often enough when there are no problems.


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## wadenjam (Nov 2, 2015)

NorCalMan said:


> My wife had a varied sex life prior to our meeting. I have found out that she had men who were bigger than me - smaller than me - and guys who "rocked her world". While these guys may have been great sex partners, they were lacking in other areas. Like wise I had a girlfriend once who was the best at sex I'd ever had ( or since!) I dropped her when I found out she had a drug problem and cheated on me. Eventually I met my wife and she and I are a great pair. We chose each other since when ALL things were considered, it was a perfect match! Am I the best lover my wife has ever had? Absolutely not ... and she does not come close to the gal I mentioned earlier who was a love/sex goddess.


I don't understand how the best sex you've had isn't with your wife...And vice versa for your wife. I think the LOVE aspect should increase the SEX QUALITY and make the sex BETTER than any other partner you've had. That doesn't seem to be the case..Seems to be a problem there. And how you can callously say this, "she does not come close to the gal I mentioned earlier who was a love/sex goddess". AND NOT EVEN CLOSE? Not sure if you two are a match made in heaven...You two need to get to the level where the sex is the best both of you have ever had.


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## aboutdone (Oct 30, 2015)

I love her and have for a long time. From way before we were together. She is a very liberated, confident woman which are things I love about her. I think she associated that with it being OK to say anything. I get the self esteem thing. I don't see this forum helping me anymore. Lots of great comments. Half my issue is I knew the dudes she told me extra details about. Her drinking is a big plus in the bedroom but she talks about other stuff. Signing off.


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## amber74747474 (Oct 24, 2015)

Everyone has a past . Whether you hear about it or not.just know almost every women has given head, received head,and has most likely had another man's cumb leak out of her. Js hun. People are dirty  live with it because stressing about it will only ruin your sex life and possibly end your relationship


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## amber74747474 (Oct 24, 2015)

Woodchuck said:


> Damn...Can't get over a wife having had a no strings FWB, and another partner who was too large to have comfortable sex with.....
> 
> What if she sat around weepy eyed over a past "love of her life", or a guy that left her swooning from mind blowing sex...
> 
> ...


True


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

wadenjam said:


> I don't understand how the best sex you've had isn't with your wife...And vice versa for your wife. I think the LOVE aspect should increase the SEX QUALITY and make the sex BETTER than any other partner you've had. That doesn't seem to be the case..Seems to be a problem there. And how you can callously say this, "she does not come close to the gal I mentioned earlier who was a love/sex goddess". AND NOT EVEN CLOSE? Not sure if you two are a match made in heaven...You two need to get to the level where the sex is the best both of you have ever had.


I think that what you say is the romantic ideal. But in real life it just doesn't happen very often. For the most part pre-marriage sex (unless it was a long term relationship) is a very different thing. In those situations you can have sex that leaves body parts tingling that you didn't know could tingle and you fall asleep with a grin of deep satisfaction on your face.

With your wife though you are thinking of many other things, including perhaps that you are lucky because after 20 years of marriage your wife is still interested in sex with you.

To my mind the most important thing in a marriage is that you and your wife should be best friends. Children are next. Sex is way down the list.


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## BradWesley (May 24, 2013)

wadenjam said:


> I don't understand how the best sex you've had isn't with your wife...And vice versa for your wife. I think the LOVE aspect should increase the SEX QUALITY and make the sex BETTER than any other partner you've had. That doesn't seem to be the case..Seems to be a problem there. And how you can callously say this, "she does not come close to the gal I mentioned earlier who was a love/sex goddess". AND NOT EVEN CLOSE? Not sure if you two are a match made in heaven...You two need to get to the level where the sex is the best both of you have ever had.



Just one question. How many sexual partners have you had during your lifetime?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Personal said:


> Some people are simply better at sex than others, or are better at some sexual things than others, or fit better sexually with some people over others. That being the case it is naive to think that one's current partner can be the best sexual partner they have ever had, or that love itself can make a sexual partner the best sexual partner when they aren't.


Practice does make perfect. Mrs. Conan wasn't even the third best our first time and it wasn't that pleasurable for her either.

Within a week and about twenty sessions, I had her howling like a dog and begging for more.

She has also eclipsed all my previous partners and that was no small task.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

sidney2718 said:


> I think that what you say is the romantic ideal. But in real life it just doesn't happen very often. For the most part pre-marriage sex (unless it was a long term relationship) is a very different thing. In those situations you can have sex that leaves body parts tingling that you didn't know could tingle and you fall asleep with a grin of deep satisfaction on your face.
> 
> With your wife though you are thinking of many other things, including perhaps that you are lucky because after 20 years of marriage your wife is still interested in sex with you.
> 
> To my mind the most important thing in a marriage is that you and your wife should be best friends. Children are next. Sex is way down the list.


Hahaha! Still hard for me to believe there are folks out there who believe this and live it. Different strokes and all, I guess.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

aboutdone said:


> I love her and have for a long time. From way before we were together. She is a very liberated, confident woman which are things I love about her. I think she associated that with it being OK to say anything. I get the self esteem thing. I don't see this forum helping me anymore. Lots of great comments. Half my issue is I knew the dudes she told me extra details about. Her drinking is a big plus in the bedroom but she talks about other stuff. Signing off.


I'm a bit late to the thread, but I can relate a bit to your wife. I'm not condoning the detail with which she went off, but I'm a truth-teller by nature and my honesty has gotten me in trouble before. I've been with men that just don't want to know, such as my ex H who could be jealous (even though we were each other's firsts I'd dated once before him). Two men I dated post divorce (not simultaneously) were more sensitive to my truth so I would filter my words carefully but at the same time my mind would think, "what the hell, I was married before.... How could they rationalize away the TRUTH that I'd been intimate with another man? That I'd obviously done things with another man I do with them? Obviously they've been with other women and I get it..... " it was like walking on eggshells, never sure of whether a whiff of my past sexual experience would blow up in my face. 

These relationships weren't meant to last because I could do nothing to behave in the right way for them other than to not be myself. Now, I would not share the level of detail your wife did, but I'd want to comfortably talk in broad terms about my past, and rationally talk about what I learned, and this was simply impossible, unwelcome, and offensive to them. So I guess I didn't come with a past in their minds... Im just not sure how the brain can choose to delude itself in that way. 

I do think that what your wife did was harsh and careless in the moment, if she knew you well at all, but in a drunken state we sometimes spout real truth. Part of me feels she wanted to be honest, bare her soul, so she could feel human with the one person she vowed to be with for life. It's very difficult to know that you can't expect your spouse to accept who and what you were, nevermind who and what you are today because of your choices and actions in life. No one judges me harder than myself for the bone-headed things I've done in my life, but when your spouse really accepts you, an enormous amount of respect and love is to be gained for him/her. 

My current SO actually got me crying with great emotion because he said precisely what your therapist did. He said why should he be upset about a past of mine when that past is what made our being together possible? He sees the improbable circumstances leading up to our eventual meeting as nothing short of a miracle. He knows I tried for a baby with my ex H, he knows the total number of my partners (low but real) and has a "duh, of course you had sex" attitude, as do I with him. He was married for over 12 years and divorced for over 10 before we met. 

I'd always had in the back of my mind, a fear that men after my divorce would not accept my truth. I found one that not only accepted it, but EXPECTED it and respects me more because of it. He loves my enthusiasm and expressiveness because it's his to have and realistically, it was not something innate but learned, developed, and embraced by me over time and experience. 

I don't think there's anything wrong with you OP, just like I think there's nothing wrong with your wife, I just think she needs a man who is comfortable with her past in all its detail and you need a less experienced woman or a woman that would rather be private about her past. It means you'll know her less but if it's something you don't want to know and she has no intention of sharing it, it seems more to your preference.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Satya said:


> I'm a bit late to the thread, but I can relate a bit to your wife. I'm not condoning the detail with which she went off, but I'm a truth-teller by nature and my honesty has gotten me in trouble before. I've been with men that just don't want to know, such as my ex H who could be jealous (even though we were each other's firsts I'd dated once before him). Two men I dated post divorce (not simultaneously) were more sensitive to my truth so I would filter my words carefully but at the same time my mind would think, "what the hell, I was married before.... How could they rationalize away the TRUTH that I'd been intimate with another man? That I'd obviously done things with another man I do with them? Obviously they've been with other women and I get it..... " it was like walking on eggshells, never sure of whether a whiff of my past sexual experience would blow up in my face.
> 
> These relationships weren't meant to last because I could do nothing to behave in the right way for them other than to not be myself. Now, I would not share the level of detail your wife did, but I'd want to comfortably talk in broad terms about my past, and rationally talk about what I learned, and this was simply impossible, unwelcome, and offensive to them. So I guess I didn't come with a past in their minds... Im just not sure how the brain can choose to delude itself in that way.
> 
> ...


I hear this said..a basic variant on the "My past made me who I am today." and I understand the meaning, but I think it is often misunderstood and misapplied.

Going back to an earlier example, what deep seeded insight into who my wife is today as a person is gained by hearing her tell a bunch of people that she loved fvcking her ex husband on the balcony in Vegas a decade earlier? What deeper understanding am I to come to regarding my wife as a person today am I to glean from hearing about the two brothers my wife and one of her friends shared once and how one of them was bigger than me, but the other one made up for it with great oral?

Maybe the deeper understanding is supposed to be that my wife has a very cavalier attitude towards sex, and that I am ultimately just an interchangeable body. I know that is not really the case, and that I am indeed very special to her, but I know that not because of those stories she has told, but because I have had to do a crap ton of sifting through all of the conflicting messages she has sent.

I think when specific events are brought up, yes, everybody has those defining moments in their lives that change its course, but more often than not, the typical over sharing situation is not a defining moment that helped shape them as a person, rather it is a snapshot event that has no bearing on the grand scheme of things.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

samyeagar said:


> Maybe the deeper understanding is supposed to be that my wife has a very cavalier attitude towards sex, and that I am ultimately just an interchangeable body. I know that is not really the case, and that I am indeed very special to her, but I know that not because of those stories she has told, but because I have had to do a crap ton of sifting through all of the conflicting messages she has sent.


This ^

When it comes to talking about sex, some people don't see the forest for the trees, I don't think.

Yes, (just about) everybody's had sex before marriage, and some people have more experience, or have had better sex, etc etc etc.

But - it's clear to see that some people's attitudes towards sex are, as noted above, more cavalier than others.

For me, and everybody else with varying degrees of RJ, THAT is the issue at hand. Not the details, but the fact that these details can be openly discussed in such a manner.

I have an ex wife, and I am currently married. Early on in our relationship, most of my stories and anecdotes included my ex wife - not that I spoke about her in a positive manner, but the majority of my life experiences up to that point included her in some way, shape or form. It didn't take me long to read my now-wife's face and body language in regards to the adventures I'd had the previous 14-15 years - they mostly included my ex-wife, albeit as a secondary character in my stories, because she was there. I wasn't telling stories ABOUT my ex-wife, I was telling stories about myself and things I had done - which included her.

My now-wife wanted to hear those stories about as much as I wanted to hear about Spanky McGee and a handful of other little anecdotes she's put out over the years - which generally revolved around sex in some way. 

Even though all her "stories" were negative and/or funny (ie. she's never spoken about having great sex, for example), I didn't want to hear it. Even though all my stories revolved around MY adventures, my ex was generally present in them, and my wife didn't want to hear them.

Why? Same reasons I didn't want to hear hers. It's talking about the past, but particularly that it included other people. It was time to make our own adventures, and discover ourselves on our own - not by using our past experiences with others to dictate how we go about our relationship. I did not need to hear that some dude she dated was into spanking her a55 during sex therefore I better not try it, any more than she wanted to hear about my travel adventures to wherever with my ex wife - a place my current wife had never been and really, really wanted to go to.

Now my wife is reluctant to travel to this place because "you've already gone and it's not the same".

And once or twice over the years, I've briefly considered giving my wife a slap or two on the butt during doggy-style sex (because come on, who's never thought about doing that!) but then I remember her story about that dude (who actually wanted to spank her, like over his knee and everything, not just during doggy style sex).

To me, it's all the same. RJ is not just sexual in nature, it can be about anything. When I politely asked my wife to not drop little stories like that in the future, I got the whole "the past is the past, it's just talk" blah blah blah stuff from her. But then she did the exact same thing to me, in regards to whatever story I may have been telling somebody, which happened to take part when I was with my ex wife. She didn't want to hear about THAT stuff (especially my adventures in this one city that she has always wanted to visit) because now she knows I did all there was to do there - with somebody else.

And yes, the last time she gave me crap about my perceived jealousy about her past (mis)adventures, I brought up her issues with mine.

It gave us both more of an insight into each others thought-patterns. To her, past sexual adventures and mis-adventures are unimportant - we'll have our own sex life together. To me, past vacations or life experiences are unimportant - we'll make our own memories together. Yet we each view them as the same thing - pasts that included other people that we don't want to hear about.

Important to mention - she had never been married before, yet had a fair amount of sex. I had been married before and hadn't had a lot of sex. Theoretically speaking, each of our RJ was a result of each other's lack of experience in either area.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

samyeagar said:


> I hear this said..a basic variant on the "My past made me who I am today." and I understand the meaning, but I think it is often misunderstood and misapplied.
> 
> Going back to an earlier example, what deep seeded insight into who my wife is today as a person is gained by hearing her tell a bunch of people that she loved fvcking her ex husband on the balcony in Vegas a decade earlier? What deeper understanding am I to come to regarding my wife as a person today am I to glean from hearing about the two brothers my wife and one of her friends shared once and how one of them was bigger than me, but the other one made up for it with great oral?
> 
> ...


I agree. What kind of deeper understanding did I get about my hb from being informed, during a bath with me, that he took a bath with a woman once and she stood up and hit her back? Or that dated some girl who had great breasts but was jealous of the ones on her sorority sisters? Or that one girl would make him close his eyes during sex because of her stretch marks? 

What exactly does this tell me about him besides that he's not in the present with me and I fall into a long line? Especially because he isn't interested in my details to understand me better. And I guarantee he doesn't understand me any better because he knows that my first had a huge c0ck.

Sam's right. .... if this was somehow a defining event for you and it impacted you on a meaningful way then sharing might be appropriate. Otherwise it's just rude.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NoSizeQueen (Sep 9, 2015)

I'm not trying to say you guys are wrong for not wanting to hear about this stuff. But now I'm really curious...

Am I the only one here who enjoys hearing my partner's stories and sharing mine? Because I really do, especially the crazy ones. Him telling me about a girl who always giggled when she was enjoying oral did not have any real impact on who he is today... But it's funny!

I guess we all have our own ways of processing our partner's past. These stories have never bothered me, past exploits are what they are, and I like hearing people's stories in general, not just the sex stories.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

alexm said:


> This ^
> 
> When it comes to talking about sex, some people don't see the forest for the trees, I don't think.
> 
> ...


In a broader view, I think most of us know and accept that our partners had a sex life before us, and we view that sex life as part of the past, in a fairly generic, impersonal way, because it didn't involve us. When details start to become involved, it starts to become more personal, hits closer to home, begins to elicit an emotional connection and response.

Think of it like a book. The author can use certain details to draw the reader in. To make them feel as if they are a part of the story, draw them into full immersion, create vast visual landscapes in the mind, that the reader can reach out and touch. They can even make people smell things, make their heart race, make them smile, laugh, cry. All with the power of words, they can make their story the readers story.

People will also respond differently to the same story, to the same words. Some will laugh when others cry. Some will be bored, put the book down and never touch it again, while others wait with baited breath for the next chapter, the next book. Some will finish the book with feelings of indifference, not caring what comes next.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

NoSizeQueen said:


> I'm not trying to say you guys are wrong for not wanting to hear about this stuff. But now I'm really curious...
> 
> Am I the only one here who enjoys hearing my partner's stories and sharing mine? Because I really do, especially the crazy ones. Him telling me about a girl who always giggled when she was enjoying oral did not have any real impact on who he is today... But it's funny!
> 
> I guess we all have our own ways of processing our partner's past. These stories have never bothered me, past exploits are what they are, and I like hearing people's stories in general, not just the sex stories.


You just have a different perspective and I happen to share it. I don't need every little detail but I do over share about my past at times. The reason I do is because I deep down expect what I give. In other words I share so my partner will share with me. 

I know I am not the biggest my GF has ever had, that doesn't bother me. I know she has done a few wild things involving outdoor sex and the like, doesn't bother me. I know that she has a fairly high number but it's not outrageous so that doesn't bother me. Think this has to do with comfort level. I would probably be as guilty of the over share as is lifetooshort's husband. Most of the time it is a subconscious thing that happens cause I am just talking to my best friend and no real meaning behind it. But if you are sensitive to it then it will hurt and shouldn't be discussed my opinion.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Wolf1974 said:


> You just have a different perspective and I happen to share it. I don't need every little detail but I do over share about my past at times. The reason I do is because I deep down expect what I give. In other words I share so my partner will share with me.
> 
> I know I am not the biggest my GF has ever had, that doesn't bother me. I know she has done a few wild things involving outdoor sex and the like, doesn't bother me. I know that she has a fairly high number but it's not outrageous so that doesn't bother me. Think this has to do with comfort level. I would probably be as guilty of the over share as is lifetooshort's husband. Most of the time it is a subconscious thing that happens cause *I am just talking to my best friend and no real meaning behind it*. But if you are sensitive to it then it will hurt and shouldn't be discussed my opinion.


Do you often talk with no meaning? Talk for no other reason than to be talking?


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## NoSizeQueen (Sep 9, 2015)

Oversharers unite! 

I was raised in a home where these things were discussed openly, so I often don't think twice about sharing. If I know my partner has RJ issues, I'll try to limit my sharing. But those relationships don't usually work well for me, because sooner or later I'll say something that seems innocent to me but upsets my partner.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Wolf1974 said:


> You just have a different perspective and I happen to share it. I don't need every little detail but I do over share about my past at times. The reason I do is because I deep down expect what I give. In other words I share so my partner will share with me.
> 
> I know I am not the biggest my GF has ever had, that doesn't bother me. I know she has done a few wild things involving outdoor sex and the like, doesn't bother me. I know that she has a fairly high number but it's not outrageous so that doesn't bother me. Think this has to do with comfort level. I would probably be as guilty of the over share as is lifetooshort's husband. Most of the time it is a subconscious thing that happens cause I am just talking to my best friend and no real meaning behind it. But if you are sensitive to it then it will hurt and shouldn't be discussed my opinion.


But I think you hit on a fundamental difference between what you do and what my hb does. You want what you give, so that means you have a different perspective on sharing but it's not an emotional weapon. My hb is not interested in my past and doesn't want to know yet liked to use his as emotional weapon to level the playing field due to his own insecurities. 

If he'd been interested in my past I still might see things differently but I don't think it would have the same effect. 

I too give what I want, which is why I don't bring up my past. It's just that, the past, and I'm here with him now. That's all that matters. I guarantee my hb doesn't want to know that my ex liked hearing about other men fvcking me. 

Not while I was with him of course.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

samyeagar said:


> Do you often talk with no meaning? Talk for no other reason than to be talking?


Sure sometimes. Everyone sometimes talks without thinking about every word they say. Hence how misunderstandings in communication occur. You know people who never put their foot in thier mouth?


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

lifeistooshort said:


> But I think you hit on a fundamental difference between what you do and what my hb does. You want what you give, so that means you have a different perspective on sharing but it's not an emotional weapon. My hb is not interested in my past and doesn't want to know yet liked to use his as emotional weapon to level the playing field due to his own insecurities.
> 
> If he'd been interested in my past I still might see things differently but I don't think it would have the same effect.
> 
> ...


True and I don't understand the one sidedness of it. If someone was using it as an "emotional weapon" as you call it (great analogy by the way) I wouldn't be pleased at all. Cause that's not sharing that's just disrespecting your spouse


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

lifeistooshort said:


> But I think you hit on a fundamental difference between what you do and what my hb does. You want what you give, so that means you have a different perspective on sharing but it's not an emotional weapon. My hb is not interested in my past and doesn't want to know yet liked to use his as emotional weapon to level the playing field due to his own insecurities.
> 
> If he'd been interested in my past I still might see things differently but I don't think it would have the same effect.
> 
> ...


I really want to go skinny dipping with you, and we can have sex on the beach under the stars, and I know the perfect place. 

I really want to go to this lake that was always so much fun because it was perfect for skinny dipping and having sex on the beach.


Two similar statements with two very different messages.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Wolf1974 said:


> Sure sometimes. Everyone sometimes talks without thinking about every word they say. Hence how misunderstandings in communication occur. You know people who never put their foot in thier mouth?


Of course we all do, some just do it more than others 

I try to be very deliberate in what I say, and aware of my entire audience. Even when I am talking in confidence, I try to be mindful of how my words could impact others who are not party to what I am saying lest they find out what I said somehow.

This mindfulness on my part has caused problems for me in the sense that when I do let something slip without really thinking about it, the impact tends to be bigger than it otherwise would be because the people who know me, know that I do tend to choose my words wisely, and I am not afforded the benefit of the doubt as a person who shoots their mouth of without thinking...oh that's just how sam is, pay him no never mind.

On the plus side, when I do say things, I tend to be taken seriously.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

samyeagar said:


> I really want to go skinny dipping with you, and we can have sex on the beach under the stars, and I know the perfect place.
> 
> I really want to go to this lake that was always so much fun because it was perfect for skinny dipping and having sex on the beach.
> 
> ...


Good one. How about this: we'd just finished having amazing sex and i tell hb what a sex God he is. 

Two possible responses:

Secure, respectful man: "thanks sweetheart", followed by whatever endearing things you say to her. 

My hb: "well I've been with lots and lots of women and some were many times and some were once or twice and they were all different in what they liked and each one made me better and now I can share it with you".

Yeah, that was a mood killer. Ya think hb wants to know about all the d!cks I sucked before him to be able to do s good job on him? I think not.....especially not right after we'd finished. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NoSizeQueen (Sep 9, 2015)

samyeagar said:


> I really want to go skinny dipping with you, and we can have sex on the beach under the stars, and I know the perfect place.
> 
> I really want to go to this lake that was always so much fun because it was perfect for skinny dipping and having sex on the beach.
> 
> ...


A perfect illustration of the difference in perspective. I would have the same reaction to either of these statements -

"That sounds like fun, I've never been skinny dipping. But I had sex on a riverbank once."

The part about the riverbank would come out very naturally for me, I wouldn't even think twice about it. But some would call that too much info.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

NoSizeQueen said:


> I would have the same reaction to either of these statements -
> 
> "That sounds like fun, *I've never been skinny dipping. But I had sex on a riverbank once.*"


Just curious why you feel it necessary to add that to " sounds like fun"


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## NoSizeQueen (Sep 9, 2015)

ThePheonix said:


> NoSizeQueen said:
> 
> 
> > I would have the same reaction to either of these statements -
> ...


I don't really know, it's just my natural response. Kind of like continuing the conversation. Like I said, I sometimes overshare. 

That's why it's hard for me to date someone with RJ... These statements feel natural to me, and I don't always realize in the moment that I should filter them. If someone said that same thing to me, it wouldn't bother me at all.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

NoSizeQueen said:


> I don't really know, it's just my natural response. Kind of like continuing the conversation. Like I said, I sometimes overshare.
> 
> That's why it's hard for me to date someone with RJ... These statements feel natural to me, and I don't always realize in the moment that I should filter them. If someone said that same thing to me, it wouldn't bother me at all.


I loved that woman so much, the way she'd smile when I told her how beautiful she was, hearing in her voice how much she loved me as we drifted off to sleep in each other arms.

Would something like that coming from your husband bother you in any way? Would it make it better if he told you the only reason he thought of it was because holding you while falling asleep just reminded him of it?


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## NoSizeQueen (Sep 9, 2015)

samyeagar said:


> I loved that woman so much, the way she'd smile when I told her how beautiful she was, hearing in her voice how much she loved me as we drifted off to sleep in each other arms.
> 
> Would something like that coming from your husband bother you in any way? Would it make it better if he told you the only reason he thought of it was because holding you while falling asleep just reminded him of it?


Honestly, that wouldn't bother me. I understand how it would bother some people, so I would probably avoid saying it.

But I've loved a lot of people, not just the one I'm with. I assume the same is true for him. Who he loved in the past doesn't hurt me. Hearing that would probably make me a bit sad, because obviously he lost that love, and that must have hurt him.


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## NoSizeQueen (Sep 9, 2015)

Just to be clear, I'm not saying you're wrong for feeling that way. You're not wrong and neither am I, we're just different.

My point is that it can be difficult for someone who doesn't feel RJ to filter for someone who does. We can filter the obvious stuff (I don't give names unless asked, and I NEVER EVER compare). But something like "I used to have a FWB, we walked to each other's houses." wouldn't even register on my radar as a bad thing to say. I wouldn't realize I'd said something offensive until it was pointed out to me.


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## aw9d (Feb 17, 2010)

I never asked about my wife sex life before me nor did I care. One day, same as you, after a few drinks she decided to tell me about the 3 guys she had sex with before me. No big deal and she said it was only a handful of times with each guy. 

A few years later, more drinks, and the truth comes out that she was banging the 3 guys, but cheating on them with each other. The thought of cheating disgusts me. It hurt our relationship a bit because now I now she will cheat, and with as many guys as possible. She told me she'd sleep wtih one, call the other and head over there to sleep with him. 

Funny thing is now she's shut the gates and sex doesn't exist. Go-figure. 

What I say, leave the past in the past. I'm sure she did things you don't like, but I'm pretty sure you did things to girls she wouldn't want to hear about as well. Just leave it in the past and enjoy the future.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

NoSizeQueen said:


> Honestly, that wouldn't bother me. I understand how it would bother some people, so I would probably avoid saying it.
> 
> But I've loved a lot of people, not just the one I'm with. I assume the same is true for him. Who he loved in the past doesn't hurt me. Hearing that would probably make me a bit sad, because obviously he lost that love, and that must have hurt him.


I do think that for some people, what they think they would feel is often very different than what they would feel when faced with the actual situation. I think that ties back into the compartmentalization that some people do. Things that they think they have walled away in a little box can get ripped open in the most unexpected of ways, or they find that what they thought was compartmentalized really wasn't when it was actually challenged.

My wife is very much like you in that she is completely unshakable, nothing would phase her, she wouldn't have a problem hearing details, and would actually find them interesting and enjoyable. Or so she claims anyway, though that has not really been tested because I have not really pushed that envelope. I believe that she is far less sensitive to these things than I am, possibly because she is able to disassociate the personal aspects to a large extent, but even she had her limits with something others might even consider pretty normal and mundane...

One incident that I think belies what she claims was when she became a Pure Romance consultant. One night as we were flipping through the catalog talking about things, she noticed that I was talking fairly openly about the products, and I thought it would be best to give her a heads up how I knew about the products, as it was a bit deeper than just something I had read about, or used a bit in the past. My ex wife's best friend, whom my wife has met a couple of times was a successful PR consultant in the area, and there was actually a good chance they would meet in the context of the sex toys. My ex wife and I were kind of product testers for her, and at one point or another, my ex wife and I had used pretty much every damned thing in the catalog.

That fact blew my wife's mind, as she had envisioned my ex's and I's sex life as pretty mundane, and it caused my wife to have mind movies when ever she had her parties talking about the products, she was visualizing me and my ex wife. It was not pleasant for her, and was a large part of the reason she stopped with PR. That, and the fact that I really didn't want to use toys with my her. Even though I had told her right from the beginning when we were first talking, that I had no real interest in sex toys, she still felt deceived.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

samyeagar said:


> I do think that for some people, what they think they would feel is often very different than what they would feel when faced with the actual situation. I think that ties back into the compartmentalization that some people do. Things that they think they have walled away in a little box can get ripped open in the most unexpected of ways, or they find that what they thought was compartmentalized really wasn't when it was actually challenged.
> 
> My wife is very much like you in that she is completely unshakable, nothing would phase her, she wouldn't have a problem hearing details, and would actually find them interesting and enjoyable. Or so she claims anyway, though that has not really been tested because I have not really pushed that envelope. I believe that she is far less sensitive to these things than I am, possibly because she is able to disassociate the personal aspects to a large extent, but even she had her limits with something others might even consider pretty normal and mundane...
> 
> ...


Can I ask why you agreed to test toys with your ex if you had no interest in them?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> Can I ask why you agreed to test toys with your ex if you had no interest in them?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Doesn't matter. It's in the past. He's not that guy anymore. :grin2:

Sorry. Just kidding.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

lifeistooshort said:


> Can I ask why you agreed to test toys with your ex if you had no interest in them?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I wanted to then, and didn't want to now, and I'm no longer the same person, and the past is the past, and I chose my wife, and blah blah blah 

Seriously though...

My ex wife and I from a physical standpoint had a stellar sex life. It was one of the few things that we did incredibly well together. It was the mental, emotional, financial aspects of being in a relationship with someone who is NPD that destroyed it, the last four years were completely sexless, and her affair was the last straw...but the sex was always good.

I never really overly enjoyed using the toys or got much out of it, even the ones for men, but my ex wife liked them, so we used them. There was some pressure and pushing of boundaries with my ex, and I suppose some degree of Pavolvian conditioning. I guess I could just say I was young and dumb and wanted to make my ex wife happy.

I have never refused my wife wanting to use them, and we have a collection that gets used from time to time, but it's still not something I am interested in personally, though I certainly have no deep seeded aversion either. Interestingly, it's not my feelings on the matter that has tempered my wife's desire, it's her mind movies of me and my ex.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

samyeagar said:


> I wanted to then, and didn't want to now, and I'm no longer the same person, and the past is the past, and I chose my wife, and blah blah blah
> 
> Seriously though...
> 
> ...


That's a fair and honest answer. I was genuinely curious and was not implying judgement. 

I think if you were my hb and explained it like that I'd be fine with it. And I likely wouldn't ask you to use them knowing you didn't like it.

It would be different if your response was that your ex was just so hot you had to be into it but current wife doesn't do it for you. I think that's the message a lot of men take from the things their wife liked but now won't do with them. 

In that case it's crappy and I get it. My ex used to push anal and once in a while I'd say ok to shut him up but the truth is I never liked it. Hb and I have tried a couple of times but I don't like it, and he's generally not interested in pushing things I don't like.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

lifeistooshort said:


> That's a fair and honest answer. I was genuinely curious and was not implying judgement.
> 
> I think if you were my hb and explained it like that I'd be fine with it. And I likely wouldn't ask you to use them knowing you didn't like it.
> 
> ...


It's funny you mention the ex being hot, because one look at my ex...she's hot, no words necessary. My wife did go the route you did, and asked if it was because she was so hot, and that I was just more into her, that she must have been better in bed, and the whole hanging from chandeliers sex life and all that. I did explain it to her as I did here, but I think she still has her doubts. As I said, she doesn't really push the whole sex toy thing, not so much because she doesn't want me to do things I don't like, though it is loosely framed as that, but rather, she doesn't want the mind movies herself, and doesn't want to encourage me to think about sex with my ex.

I also think that up until that point, my wife a a feeling of superiority over me in the sex department. Not in a way of lording it over me or anything, but just that I had only been with three women so how much could I really know right? That mindset really helped her feel confident that there was nothing I could say that would phase her because she could always one up me. When we were working through this situation, she explained that she had just assumed things partly to protect herself from her own insecurities regarding my ex, and that perhaps the biggest sign she overlooked was the very first time I got her naked, I went down on her with no hesitation, and she had multiple orgasms within five minutes. She had never had multiples before.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

samyeagar said:


> Of course we all do, some just do it more than others
> 
> I try to be very deliberate in what I say, and aware of my entire audience. Even when I am talking in confidence, I try to be mindful of how my words could impact others who are not party to what I am saying lest they find out what I said somehow.
> 
> ...


I am more deliberate at work I would say. At home I am relaxed and comfortable so I don't take the internal filter to extremes. It also goes to context on what you feel is important.

For example I don't talk about my past sex experience and say this woman gave the best bj or this one had the tightest VJ. I don't expect to be able to share these things nor do I want those things shared back with me. However I have had a woman make a big deal about me talking about my honeymoon to Maui. While my story wasn't about my X but rather the island itself it was to her a taboo subject. We didn't stay together long


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## Heatherknows (Aug 21, 2015)

Wolf1974 said:


> I am more deliberate at work I would say. At home I am relaxed and comfortable so I don't take the internal filter to extremes. It also goes to context on what you feel is important.
> 
> For example I don't talk about my past sex experience and say this woman gave the best bj or this one had the tightest VJ. I don't expect to be able to share these things nor do I want those things shared back with me. However I have had a woman make a big deal about me talking about my honeymoon to Maui. While my story wasn't about my X but rather the island itself it was to her a taboo subject. We didn't stay together long


I went to Maui on my Honeymoon too. 0 It was awesome.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Ya'll take the word of this old timer. You'll most always lose more than you possible can gain by talking to your SO about your wonderful past lovers. If you just have to do it, you'll get more mileage out of how lousy they were. ( personally I've learned not to open this can of worms)
I find it somewhat amusing that people claim to have little control over what they say that may hurt their SO but seem to have no problem biting their tongue and keeping their mouths shut when in may negatively their careers or public image. Like a lot of stuff, its where you put your priorities.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

ThePheonix said:


> I find it somewhat amusing that people claim to have little control over what they say that may hurt their SO but seem to have no problem biting their tongue and keeping their mouths shut when in may negatively their careers or public image. Like a lot of stuff, its where you put your priorities.


QFT.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

ThePheonix said:


> Ya'll take the word of this old timer. You'll most always lose more than you possible can gain by talking to your SO about your wonderful past lovers. If you just have to do it, you'll get more mileage out of how lousy they were. ( personally I've learned not to open this can of worms)
> I find it somewhat amusing that people claim to have little control over what they say that may hurt their SO but seem to have no problem biting their tongue and keeping their mouths shut when in may negatively their careers or public image. Like a lot of stuff, its where you put your priorities.


Well said, thank you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

samyeagar said:


> I loved that woman so much, the way she'd smile when I told her how beautiful she was, hearing in her voice how much she loved me as we drifted off to sleep in each other arms.
> 
> Would something like that coming from your husband bother you in any way? Would it make it better if he told you the only reason he thought of it was because holding you while falling asleep just reminded him of it?
> 
> ...


I'm pretty open minded but you've got me beat NoSizeQueen. I would probably be analysing my wife's motive for sharing the example Samy mentioned. But then again, maybe that's just because it's not in her character to over share so it would be new. I am pretty darn adaptable though so who knows.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

ThePheonix said:


> Ya'll take the word of this old timer. You'll most always lose more than you possible can gain by talking to your SO about your wonderful past lovers. If you just have to do it, you'll get more mileage out of how lousy they were. ( personally I've learned not to open this can of worms)
> I find it somewhat amusing that people claim to have little control over what they say that may hurt their SO but seem to have no problem biting their tongue and keeping their mouths shut when in may negatively their careers or public image. Like a lot of stuff, its where you put your priorities.


This is one of those things that has often completely baffled me...how people will treat the cashier at the store or stranger on the street with more civility and thoughtfulness of word and action than they do their own spouse.

It is often rationalized by how much more comfortable they are, that they can just be themselves, less pressure to worry about things...all I am hearing there is how they take their spouse for granted, and if they're able to just be themselves, are they saying they are a rude, insensitive, hurtful person to someone they love?

If I misspeak, I hope that my spouse will give me the benefit of the doubt, but part of that is me taking responsibility and exercising self control so as not to force my spouse into having to give me the benefit of the doubt in the first place

I know some may suggest that is akin to walking on egg shells, and how a spouse should not have to feel like they have to filter themselves, that they should be able to just be themselves, again, if they feel that they have to put in conscious effort to simply be nice and not say hurtful things, if that does not simply come naturally, then perhaps they shouldn't be in the relationship, and maybe spend some time trying to figure out why they don't have the self restraint to keep from hurting the one they love the most.


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## NoSizeQueen (Sep 9, 2015)

I absolutely agree that we have to be mindful of our partner's feelings and choose our words wisely. But there also has to be a point of reasonable filtering. 

For example, OP was upset that his wife talked about how big this guy was and how she had to learn oral because of it. To me, that's a reasonable complaint on his part.
He was upset that she said she had a FWB and walked to his house. That's borderline, maybe.
Wolf got in trouble for saying he went somewhere on his honeymoon. That's just silly. At that point, the RJ partner needs to take some some kind of responsibility for their own feelings.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Personal said:


> For me both statements are perfectly fine and just wouldn't phase me at all. The same applies to my wife as well and we've had similar types of conversations.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Oh, no doubt some people feel as you do, and there are people who carry it even further into open marriages, swinging, and others who go in completely the opposite direction not tolerating anything at all.

The important thing is compatibility and a willingness to respect your spouses feelings in finding a common ground where both can be happy.


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## imperfectworld (Jan 18, 2015)

Personal said:


> On the topic of retroactive jealousy, my wife put it roughly like this; It's like platonically becoming best friends with someone and they are jealous of the fact you had other best friends before them, and they don't want you to ever mention that you had a normal life with others before you became their friend. She thinks having to hide your past or never speak of your past with someone who is supposed to be your most important relationship is really pretty sad.



Very well thought out scenario. But I disagree with the conclusion. For me this speaks well to the facts but not the emotions. I'll have to give some thought to a scenario that may help shed some light for non-sufferers in the same way this helped me better understand the other perspective.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

imperfectworld said:


> Very well thought out scenario. But I disagree with the conclusion. For me this speaks well to the facts but not the emotions. I'll have to give some thought to a scenario that may help shed some light for non-sufferers in the same way this helped me better understand the other perspective.


For me, comparing any platonic relationship to my romantic relationship with my wife is a complete non starter. They are not analogous.


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## wadenjam (Nov 2, 2015)

BradWesley said:


> Just one question. How many sexual partners have you had during your lifetime?


I was never a man***** and I guess it pays off because I have the most satisfying and wild sex with my wife. I don't compare her to other partners I've had before.
I feel very lucky and blessed that's all I can say 😀


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## wadenjam (Nov 2, 2015)

ConanHub said:


> Practice does make perfect. Mrs. Conan wasn't even the third best our first time and it wasn't that pleasurable for her either.
> 
> Within a week and about twenty sessions, I had her howling like a dog and begging for more.
> 
> ...


100% agree


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

samyeagar said:


> This is one of those things that has often completely baffled me...how people will treat the cashier at the store or stranger on the street with more civility and thoughtfulness of word and action than they do their own spouse.
> 
> It is often rationalized by how much more comfortable they are, that they can just be themselves, less pressure to worry about things...all I am hearing there is how they take their spouse for granted, and if they're able to just be themselves, are they saying they are a rude, insensitive, hurtful person to someone they love?
> 
> ...


My guess is sometimes it's their need to be accepted and other times it's habit and other times just hurtful passive aggressive jabs. And sometimes it's just dumb luck where the wrong thing is said to someone that triggers on it.


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## Tango in Triple Time (Jul 14, 2015)

ThePheonix said:


> Ya'll take the word of this old timer. You'll most always lose more than you possible can gain by talking to your SO about your wonderful past lovers. If you just have to do it, you'll get more mileage out of how lousy they were. ( personally I've learned not to open this can of worms)
> I find it somewhat amusing that people claim to have little control over what they say that may hurt their SO but seem to have no problem biting their tongue and keeping their mouths shut when in may negatively their careers or public image. Like a lot of stuff, its where you put your priorities.


No details about prior sex partners or acts ever come from my mouth to a lover, except once, because he wouldn't stop asking. He kept saying sex with my exwife was never good. I would say, I don't want to hear it. This went on several times, until finally I said, Sex with my exhusband was fantastic all the way up to the day I filed for a divorce, too bad it that wasn't the case for you. He has never said another word about it since.

I agree, there is nothing to gain. I do not want to know the smallest detail of my husband's prior sex life. He's told me things I never wanted to know, claims he hates having to filter himself around me. Well too damn bad, do it anyway!

How would it possible improve our relationship to know he's the laziest lover I've ever had, with the smallest d*ick I've ever touched?? Or to know my exhusband was hung like a god and knew how to use it?


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

NoSizeQueen said:


> I absolutely agree that we have to be mindful of our partner's feelings and choose our words wisely. But there also has to be a point of reasonable filtering.
> 
> For example, OP was upset that his wife talked about how big this guy was and how she had to learn oral because of it. To me, that's a reasonable complaint on his part.
> He was upset that she said she had a FWB and walked to his house. That's borderline, maybe.
> Wolf got in trouble for saying he went somewhere on his honeymoon. That's just silly. At that point, the RJ partner needs to take some some kind of responsibility for their own feelings.


This is the major point of this thread. RJ is different for everyone and where the line is varies greatly. This is an area of compatibility to me and should be determined prior to marriage.

I want to know information on my SO pasts but I don't need a play by play of them. Some find the information I want strange but to me this means intimacy in knowing someone. So I need to be with like minded people to make a relationship work. Guess my point is know thy self


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Tango in Triple Time said:


> No details about prior sex partners or acts ever come from my mouth to a lover, except once, because he wouldn't stop asking. He kept saying sex with my exwife was never good. I would say, I don't want to hear it. This went on several times, until finally I said, Sex with my exhusband was fantastic all the way up to the day I filed for a divorce, too bad it that wasn't the case for you. He has never said another word about it since.
> 
> I agree, there is nothing to gain. I do not want to know the smallest detail of my husband's prior sex life. He's told me things I never wanted to know, claims he hates having to filter himself around me. Well too damn bad, do it anyway!
> 
> How would it possible improve our relationship to know he's the laziest lover I've ever had, with the smallest d*ick I've ever touched?? Or to know my exhusband was hung like a god and knew how to use it?



Ha ha ha, have our husbands met? Mine stopped with the exes when he heard about the huge c0ck on my first. I may have said some other things too.

If you asked him to stop and he ignored you that's riude. I didn't want details either but mine has this huge need to shove them down my throat anyway. Didn't like it when I did it though.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tango in Triple Time (Jul 14, 2015)

It took me making the unnecessarily rude comment before he suddenly realized he COULD filter his thoughts. I really didn't want to say it, but when nothing else works...


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

I have grown much in the last 2 years in large part due to many folks on this site. I thought I had realized all the ways I was a lousy partner.

Then I read this thread, and realize there is one more way I was simply a pr!ck...

I don't know why I stopped commenting about the past a couple of years ago, but I am glad I did.

SMH...at myself.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

lifeistooshort said:


> Ha ha ha, have our husbands met? Mine stopped with the exes when he heard about the huge c0ck on my first. I may have said some other things too.
> 
> If you asked him to stop and he ignored you that's riude. I didn't want details either but mine has this huge need to shove them down my throat anyway. Didn't like it when I did it though.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I learned something new about my wife last night...

We were in bed and she was looking through Facebook and came across an article on circumcision, and I learned that once they were inside, she was never able to tell the difference between cut and un cut.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

samyeagar said:


> I learned something new about my wife last night...
> 
> We were in bed and she was looking through Facebook and came across an article on circumcision, and I learned that once they were inside, she was never able to tell the difference between cut and un cut.


Wow, I don't know what to say. 

Did you respond? 

I sense this is an emotional weapon on her part. What do you think?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

Is it me or he does not seem to be the most pleasant guy in the world. If her past is a problem you can't get over, then go on to someone else.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Tango in Triple Time said:


> It took me making the unnecessarily rude comment before he suddenly realized he COULD filter his thoughts. I really didn't want to say it, but when nothing else works...


A little empathy goes a long way. It took me 6 years to start responding in kind. 

I should've done it sooner.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

samyeagar said:


> I learned something new about my wife last night...
> 
> We were in bed and she was looking through Facebook and came across an article on circumcision, and I learned that once they were inside, she was never able to tell the difference between cut and un cut.


That's super useful information to have. Now if your foreskin grows back (or gets cut off, whichever applies) you know you don't have to worry if it will make a difference to her!

Why in the world would someone think their partner would want to hear that? Why?

Look, we get that you've (general, not Sam) been with other people. We know this even if you don't tell us. I don't see the point in bringing it up at every opportunity. You don't have to 
TRY to put those images in my head.

These two examples I've come across on different threads here. They struck me how word choice makes all the difference, even if ultimately you're saying the same thing. But there's a difference between saying "I love men with long hair, it gives me something to grab onto" and "I love your long hair, it gives me something to grab onto." Just like there's a difference between "I admire women's boobs" and "I love your boobs." One says "You're not the only one, there are others that'd do just as well" and the other says "I'm attracted to YOU, and I love this about YOU." Yes, I can infer that if you like long hair on me, you probably like it on other guys. You don't have to spell it out for me. 

At least that's the way I see it.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

lifeistooshort said:


> Wow, I don't know what to say.
> 
> Did you respond?
> 
> ...


I think she's just that oblivious to what she says at times.

I didn't respond, though a lot of things went through my mind. I have this annoyingly bad, virtually instantaneous thought process that I can think something, evaluate my motives for the thought, and simply can't say it if the intent is to lash out, or I think it would be intentionally hurtful. That damned filter makes it extremely difficult for me to give her a taste of her own medicine.

We will talk about this later, but from a chain of events standpoint, not addressing things like that immediately sends a message, albeit incorrectly, but sends the message none the less that I am brooding and holding a grudge, which makes it easier to discount what I say. Yeah, I know that is on me to fix.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

> I'm moving on.
> 
> My only advice to men & women is *NEVER tell your spouse about your past in detail unless they ask to hear about it.*




In the circumstances, this sounds the best solution for both of you.

I also agree with your advice, but would like to add that once we know something we can't unknow it, so it's really best to leave out the details in these sort of conversations.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Tango in Triple Time said:


> It took me making the unnecessarily rude comment before he suddenly realized he COULD filter his thoughts. I really didn't want to say it, but when nothing else works...


It goes to the old saying, "often nothing works like a dose of your own medicine".


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

samyeagar said:


> I learned something new about my wife last night...
> 
> I learned that once they were inside, she was never able to tell the difference between cut and un cut.


Your wife's comments reminds me why, after 10 years of escorting, I am no longer dazzled with especially hot looking women. Once I was inside, I couldn't tell the difference. :wink2:


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

samyeagar said:


> I think she's just that oblivious to what she says at times.
> 
> I didn't respond, though a lot of things went through my mind. I have this annoyingly bad, virtually instantaneous thought process that I can think something, evaluate my motives for the thought, and simply can't say it if the intent is to lash out, or I think it would be intentionally hurtful. That damned filter makes it extremely difficult for me to give her a taste of her own medicine.
> 
> We will talk about this later, but from a chain of events standpoint, not addressing things like that immediately sends a message, albeit incorrectly, but sends the message none the less that I am brooding and holding a grudge, which makes it easier to discount what I say. Yeah, I know that is on me to fix.




How would she react if you made such a comment about your ex?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NoSizeQueen (Sep 9, 2015)

I thought of this thread last night while talking to my boyfriend. 

Somehow the topic of quickies came up, and he told me he'd never had one (he can't get there that quick). I told him I'd had them a lot, I used it to appease my XH because he always wanted sex and I didn't like doing it with him, so I just wanted to get it over with.

Right after I said it, I realized that might have been TMI. But he just told me he thought that was sad, that sex should be mutual and I shouldn't have to feel like I just want it to be over.

He and I both have scars from bad relationships. I'm grateful that I don't have to hide them. I'm grateful that he sees me as I am, and not just the parts of me he's okay with acknowledging.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

NoSizeQueen said:


> I thought of this thread last night while talking to my boyfriend.
> 
> Somehow the topic of quickies came up, and he told me he'd never had one (he can't get there that quick). I told him I'd had them a lot, I used it to appease my XH because he always wanted sex and I didn't like doing it with him, so I just wanted to get it over with.
> 
> ...


My wife an I have had almost that exact same conversation. That she would appease her ex husband to keep him happy with quickies, bj's etc. She would look fr any excuse to get out of and avoid sex with him. She even went so far as to arrange threesomes in an attempt to control his serial cheating. After they were divorced, she actively seduced and slept with her step son to get revenge on her ex husband. It wasn't until I found out through a casual conversation she was having with someone else that she had continued to screw and blow her ex until right before we began dating that it became an issue. To me, all of those things seemed to be very inconsistent.

I think probably the biggest difficulty she and I faced though was the fact that the people who knew of these things, the people who were directly involved, the women in the threesomes, her step son was living with us, her ex husband...they were all parts of our day to day lives and continue to be. In that regard, these things never really became the past, I just happened to step into a continuously unfolding situation.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

samyeagar said:


> her step son was living with us,


You sure the step son wasn't still tapping her? I'm just sayin.


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

FrenchFry said:


> I Don't Know said:
> 
> 
> > These two examples I've come across on different threads here. They struck me how word choice makes all the difference, even if ultimately you're saying the same thing. But there's a difference between saying "I love men with long hair, it gives me something to grab onto" and "I love your long hair, it gives me something to grab onto." Just like there's a difference between "I admire women's boobs" and "I love your boobs." One says "You're not the only one, there are others that'd do just as well" and the other says "I'm attracted to YOU, and I love this about YOU." Yes, I can infer that if you like long hair on me, you probably like it on other guys. You don't have to spell it out for me.
> ...



I want to get to that point. I don't want my wife to have to watch everything she says. I want her to be able to tell me anything. It's hard for me. 

I don't think I'd be bothered by the long hair comment, although in my case it'd be bald guys lol. I just think there's a "better" way of phrasing it. FWIW, I try to practice what I preach so to speak. I'm sure I've slipped up and said "I like big butts" or something similar though. 

If my wife said I like bald guys, which I think she has, I'd probably jokingly say "oh, just any old bald guy?" I don't know if that's a good way to handle it or not. Any idea?


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

*"I sense this is an emotional weapon on her part. What do you think?"*


The chick did her own step son for revenge (although I think there my have been a little more to it) and the many other ways she used sex against her ex husband and to drive home her point. So hell ya its an emotional weapon to keep him jacked around. I hope you don't think she grew out of it when she married or man Sammy. I said early on women always have a motive and purpose when "revealing" such stuff. Many men disagree but all the girls know I'm right.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

ThePheonix said:


> *"I sense this is an emotional weapon on her part. What do you think?"*
> 
> 
> The chick did her own step son for revenge (although I think there my have been a little more to it) and the many other ways she used sex against her ex husband and to drive home her point. So hell ya its an emotional weapon to keep him jacked around. I hope you don't think she grew out of it when she married or man Sammy. I said early on women always have a motive and purpose when "revealing" such stuff. Many men disagree but all the girls know I'm right.



When I made that comment I didn't even know about the stepson or other stuff, so of course with that additional info it's a bit more obvious.

But I would argue that it's not just women.....men have a purpose too. I can see based on other comments here that it very much depends on the dynamic of the relationship and whether it's a two way street. In Sam's case it's often not a two say street, and in addition to the other stuff it appears that she is very jealous of his ex wife. I'm sure he'll correct me if that's in error.

In my hb's case it's an emotional weapon too. He doesn't want any of my details and likes to bring his up at ridiculously inappropriate times. Well now that he's gotten some of what he liked to dish out he doesn't dish it out anymore. My husband is a little more jealous and insecure than he likes to let on.

I think it has to do with how special you really feel to your spouse as opposed to just one in a long line. My husband made me feel like one in a long line in an attempt to make himself feel better emotionally about being with a much younger wife; I think now that if I'd really felt special to him the occasional ex comment might not bother me so much. Assuming they were occasional of course.....in our case they were a regular thing until I put a stop to it.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> But I would argue that it's not just women.....men have a purpose too.


Men, if anything, are as bad as women with benign ways of expressing hostility and doling out punishment for some perceived infraction. (especially the more passive-aggressive variety)


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## Tino28 (Sep 25, 2015)

I think you need help and if she's as hot as u say she will fine. Can't get over it that's ridiculous what she did in her is behind u and quite frankly it doesn't sound so bad


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

I think there is a combination of things with my wife and I. All else aside, I do think that she has a naturally higher tolerance for details than I do. I also think that the totality of her sexual history, much of it damaged in one way or another, has simply led her to where it is habit, reflex, she has conditioned herself to lash out and respond in the ways she does sometimes. She is jealous of my ex wife, and has admitted as much. She does tend to be more defensive than she'd like to admit.

There are many things that have gotten better the longer our relationship has gone on. One of the things that I did note early on, but did not consider, nor really know the depth of, was how deeply situationally entrenched she was in her past. I think most of the raw emotional aspects had been dealt with, but I underestimated the importance of physical proximity, and did not fully grasp just how complicated the interpersonal web was between so many people who played parts in all of it.

I am fortunate in that I know that all of these issues will boil down to simply intellectual exercises in moving past them, because along with what I have shared here as examples of how things are not always so cut and dry as some would like to think that "the past is the past"...I have no doubts that my wife loves me as she's never loved anyone before. She respects me. She admires me. I have never felt used or taken for granted. She is learning how to have a good, healthy relationship of equals for the first time in her life.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

For sure, the attitude of the past is the past can be overly simplistic thinking. It is true that you can't change it and unless there's really crappy things that you've done to someone you don't have to feel bad about it, but I think it has already been pointed out that when you insist on making it the present that statement no longer applies.

For me I can say that I am in no way jealous of hb's ex, or any of his exes. I happen to know for a fact that in every observable way I'm better than his ex wife and she is jealous me. Am I better than all of the other exes? I don't know and honestly don't care; I'm a damn good deal and hb knows it. If he thinks he can do better he knows where the door is......i can find someone else. I'm good about not comparing myself to others. 

It's precisely this that causes hb to lash out with the exes. ..... that he feels I could replace him so easily that he feels the need to keep me in my place emotionally. But it's not healthy for a marriage and I told him that maybe this relationship isn't for him if he has be rude to feel good about it. That's how I see this: not as a jealousy issue but as a disrespect issue.

I think he felt like if he was good to me otherwise he could have this little weapon to even things out and it wouldn't do any damage. He admitted to me that he knew I didn't like it but claimed he didn't know why he did it. Whatever, he knew why he did it, he just didn't want to admit it. But now he knows it did do damage, and he's gotten some of it back so he hasn't brought up an ex in quit a while.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

lifeistooshort said:


> For sure, the attitude of the past is the past can be overly simplistic thinking. It is true that you can't change it and unless there's really crappy things that you've done to someone you don't have to feel bad about it, but I think it has already been pointed out that when you insist on making it the present that statement no longer applies.
> 
> For me I can say that I am in no way jealous of hb's ex, or any of his exes. I happen to know for a fact that in every observable way I'm better than his ex wife and she is jealous me. Am I better than all of the other exes? I don't know and honestly don't care; I'm a damn good deal and hb knows it. If he thinks he can do better he knows where the door is......i can find someone else. I'm good about not comparing myself to others.
> 
> ...


There is likely something to what you are saying about your husband, with regards to my wife. She has openly stated that she feels she is replaceable, no so much because she feels inferior to me, or anything I have said or done to make her feel that way, but because she knows how much I can bring to a relationship.

One time, and I forget now what the conversation was fully about, but it had something to do with sex, yeah, imagine that  Anyway, I remember telling her that I would have absolutely no problems finding high quality sex pretty much at will. Her response was very telling...she told me that coming from just about anyone else, she would have laughed and thought they were the pinnacle of arrogant and conceited, but from me, it was just a simple honest to god statement of truth, and she didn't really like thinking about it.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

lifeistooshort said:


> When I made that comment I didn't even know about the stepson or other stuff, so of course with that additional info it's a bit more obvious.
> 
> But I would argue that it's not just women.....men have a purpose too. I can see based on other comments here that it very much depends on the dynamic of the relationship and whether it's a two way street. In Sam's case it's often not a two say street, and in addition to the other stuff it appears that she is very jealous of his ex wife. I'm sure he'll correct me if that's in error.
> 
> ...


Yes this is common when people of either gender feel insecure. They first tell themselves how capable they are of replacing you if they need to because that makes life less scary. So far so good; we all need coping mechanisms. But then they take it too far and tell you about their prowess as if that's supposed to make you feel lucky. It has the opposite affect just about every time.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

samyeagar said:


> I am fortunate in that I know that all of these issues will boil down to simply intellectual exercises in moving past them, because along with what I have shared here as examples of how things are not always so cut and dry as some would like to think that "the past is the past"...I have no doubts that my wife loves me as she's never loved anyone before. She respects me. She admires me. I have never felt used or taken for granted. She is learning how to have a good, healthy relationship of equals for the first time in her life.


We and our partners have to overcome our pasts and sometimes we're dealing with decades of bad choices and messed up dynamics. But mutual respect and admiration gives a couple a fighting chance.


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## Sparta (Sep 4, 2014)

God I love dirty or more experienced a woman he is
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## brownmale (Apr 20, 2015)

I feel your hurt. She shouldn't have said all this, and it can be hurtful. While some guys get a high from 'sharing' their woman with another male, many of us would feel repulsed to know such details.

I'm glad I stopped my partner/s from going into specific details. My approach is: I don't want to know. I won't tell. Just keep it to yourself. The past is the past, and that is where it should remain. Some things are best not known!



aboutdone said:


> I'm moving on. It's been 4 years of trying to deal with this. I went to a psychiatrist about it and was given the predictable "she is only what she is today because of her past" and "She is yours now and she picked you"


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## brownmale (Apr 20, 2015)

samyeagar said:


> The woman I lost my virginity to actually did kind of enjoy it, especially when walking the cat walk at her fashion shows...a detail I have not shared with my wife.


Someone's boasting now 

* About the kind of women he had access to
* About their loyalty to him
....

This reminds me of reading Mario Puzo's Godfather (or at least the 'hot' pages in it) as a schoolboy, and salivating over that part where one of the bridesmaid gets some guy climaxing in her during the wedding, and she goes around with her panties sticky for the rest of the evening


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## NoSizeQueen (Sep 9, 2015)

brownmale said:


> samyeagar said:
> 
> 
> > The woman I lost my virginity to actually did kind of enjoy it, especially when walking the cat walk at her fashion shows...a detail I have not shared with my wife.
> ...


Haha, this illustrates my point so well. Often when someone is just trying to share, the other person assumes they have a motive for doing it.

Don't be too quick to assume bad intentions where they may not exist. Sam may not have been bragging. He may have been sharing info that he thought was relevant to the conversation, and you may have read something extra into that.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

NoSizeQueen said:


> Haha, this illustrates my point so well. Often when someone is just trying to share, the other person assumes they have a motive for doing it.
> 
> Don't be too quick to assume bad intentions where they may not exist. Sam may not have been bragging. He may have been sharing info that he thought was relevant to the conversation, and you may have read something extra into that.




My relating that served two purposes...one, to provide a counter example to the statement that women did not like stuff running down their legs, and two, to provide an example of something that would serve no positive purpose in sharing with my wife.


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## NoSizeQueen (Sep 9, 2015)

Are you sure you didn't just say that about the woman because you wanted to make the rest of us feel inadequate? 

When our feelings are hurt, it's really easy to assume someone had bad intentions, when they may have just chosen their words poorly. 

Of course, some people really are trying to be mean. But don't jump to that conclusion unless there's a decent history of it.


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## MrVanilla (Apr 24, 2012)

brownmale said:


> I feel your hurt. She shouldn't have said all this, and it can be hurtful. While some guys get a high from 'sharing' their woman with another male, many of us would feel repulsed to know such details.
> 
> I'm glad I stopped my partner/s from going into specific details. My approach is: I don't want to know. I won't tell. Just keep it to yourself. The past is the past, and that is where it should remain. Some things are best not known!


Admittingly I watched this thread with some interest. I was amused that the OP couldn't get past the idea his LW had two previous lovers. Two? I thought: that was just a Saturday night for my LW... 

She didn't tell me about these things with some ulterior motive. She stated her purpose right up front. She tried to explain to me different acts and attitudes and the reasons behind her experiences in an attempt for me to understand them. Neither one of us knew at the time that I wouldn't be capable of understanding them. I had no similar experiences. There was a reason for this, and it took me two years to find it. 

All of her stories and many of the variations she experienced was because she felt sexual attraction in a way I have never known. This is where I became frustrated trying to understand her. Because I have never experienced normal sexual attraction... then everything she (and many others) said to me - made no sense at all. When I researched the inability to feel normal sexual attraction... that's when I found the term demi-sexual, and now I have a far better understanding of who I am - and why I never got what she was saying.

If we hadn't spoke of past events, I may never have know this. 
So, sometimes it's worth exploring!


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## ezduzzit5280 (Nov 11, 2015)

As your wife bro, she just wanted to be able to tell you anything... It's a thing in the past, sounds like she's comfortable enough to tell you things, even when not totally sober we tend to understand what we are doing in reality, and do it because we want to. I think it sounds like you got yourself a keeper and just use it as ammo to "love" her brains out and show her who's daddy... ijs


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

FrenchFry said:


> The truth is that it doesn't bother me or others to know that my husband admires women's boobs and I'd rather be in a relationship where he feels open enough to tell me so.


I admire women's boobs, my wife knows I admire women's boobs. It doesn't bother her; she points them out to me.

However, when commenting I always say "those are the second best boobs I've ever seen".

She does the same.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Buddy400 said:


> She does the same.


Referring to hers or yours


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

samyeagar said:


> I am fortunate in that I know that all of these issues will boil down to simply intellectual exercises in moving past them, because along with what I have shared here as examples of how things are not always so cut and dry as some would like to think that "the past is the past"...I have no doubts that my wife loves me as she's never loved anyone before. She respects me. She admires me. I have never felt used or taken for granted. She is learning how to have a good, healthy relationship of equals for the first time in her life.


This is why your contributions to "the past is the past" discussions is so important. I'm in a similar situation. Unfortunately, the other side will ignore your thoughts and hammer on some d!ckwad who thinks all women should be virgins.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

EllisRedding said:


> Referring to hers or yours


Different attributes.

But my pects are spectacular as well!


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