# I'm not sure what to do really



## Dev (Mar 25, 2013)

I found this site by accident. I was looking up, "what to do when you catch your spouse cheating" in Google of all places... hah.

I have read many of these posts, and the responses; maybe I have to write my own too. Maybe it will help me feel better, maybe it wont. Worth a shot I suppose.

I have had a feeling that my husband was doing something behind my back for at least a year now. It was this nagging sensation that, 'something just wasn't right,' and I tried my best to just push it away. Last night, those feelings came crashing down... hard.

I went to shut off the computers, our kids had been playing on them due to bad weather, and I noticed that my husband's seldom used email was up. I don't know why I noticed it, but there was a deleted message from a woman named Carol in his trash bin. I shouldn't have clicked it, but I did. The message read, "Able to host at my place tomorrow, you available? Call me, Carol." and there was a link to a craigslist link.

Of course I clicked it, and what I found brought all those feelings I have had into fruition. 

My husband has been "searching for a FWB" since August of 2011. I have no way of knowing if he ever met w/ anyone. His posts were rather detailed... looking to meet someone during his lunch breaks, what he looked like, (no pics I found were added), and even one from when I was still working as a Holistic Nurse and had to do overnights w/ a client last year... looking for someone who could "meet late on Friday nights at his home for a FWB encounter(s)."

Of course I confronted him. He wasn't home.... funny story about that too...

During the winter, my husband will go stay at my best friends house (she is a single mother) because his work is only 2 miles away. This started out as my idea last year; under the pretense that he would sleep on the couch of course. I later found out that they were sleeping in the same bed together. I was told this was ONLY because the couch was too small. When I said that she could sleep on the couch instead, she feigned that it was 'bad for her back, but not to worry, NOTHING would ever happen in a sexual aspect... we are just sleeping I promise."

Of course at this point I believe I am a total fool.

Anyway, I confronted him about the craigslist adds. He swore they were not his, that someone must have "hacked him and stolen his information" to which I told him he was a downright liar. No one would get this level of detail from hacking his email account.

He shows up at home, and I told him that no matter what he said, that I have the proof... physical tangible proof. He couldn't lie to me anymore. He finally admitted to writing them.

He said he wasn't sure why he did it. I had told him years ago, that if he had these urges to come to me, talk to me, I would rather be in the loop than outside it. He of course didn't follow through w/ that. He swears he never met w/ anyone, or slept w/ anyone. That every response he got was a 'Bot'. He also called himself a douche bag, and a horrible person... how could he do this to me, to his family, to his marriage?! 

For some reason, I don't feel any sympathy. Maybe it is because I have felt, (even though I thought I blew it off as me being crazy, he wouldn't do this to me) he has been sleeping w/ my best friend for months now. Maybe I don't have sympathy because I always blew off his incessant flirtations w/ other women on FB, at work, etc, etc... as him being a man... but sub-consciously I felt that there was more too it than that.

He tells me that he knows it will take YEARS to earn back my trust... I agree, I guess. Part of me wants him to leave; but I don't want to do that to my children, I don't want to do that to our marriage. I love him. I do not take my marriage lightly. I am in no way a religious person, but I believe that marriage is a binding of two souls to one. The joining of hearts and minds, to be cherished... That has been broken by him. Which is probably why in many ways, I want him gone.

Other parts of me wants him to stay, to work on things. However, there is that nagging sensation that he isn't telling me the whole truth. I don't know if he has been or had been sleeping w/ my best friend. I don't know if he truly never met anyone from craigslist, or if that he did. 

I don't know if anything he says to me anymore is truthful. The idea of him touching me right now makes my skin crawl, and my stomach churn. The idea that he will be home from work in a few hours makes me nervous, and scared to be around him. (Don't take that the wrong way, he is in no way shape or form abusive physically or verbally)

I don't have anyplace to go w/o alerting the kids that I am gone. Part of me wants to pack him a bag, leave it at the door, and tell him when he walks in, "Go stay w/ Ange. I don't want you here right now."

But what do I say to my kids when 'Daddy' doesn't come home? 

I'm so confused, lost, and angry.

Thanks for letting me vent.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

You discovered the tip of an iceberg. There is only 11% of an iceberg that is above water and 89% below. I think it's the same in your situation. 

It's almost a given that he has met a good deal of women from the CL posting. If nothing else, to chat, drink, evaluate. But honestly a lot more than that happened. If you go to a cheater's website (PM me for two links) you can read how these harpies meet up and after two meetings get it on. Your husband is a pro. 

You need to drop the "best friend" you know that's a scam too. 

You need to decide if you want to live with a liar and cheat and just tolerate it for the sake of your kids or whether you want to live an honest life either alone or with someone else. 

He has a long way to go - and honesty isn't his long suite. If you want to give it a shot ask him to write a timeline of all his transgressions. You can't forgive what you don't know, and you don't want to be finding out in dribs and drabs all that has happened.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

You sent him to sleep eith your friend? And niw he's banging people on Craig's list? Host at her place sounds like an orgy.

You want this guy around your kids?


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

I am sorry you are here but I honestly couldnt get past the part about your H staying with your BFF and sleeping in the same bed. Are you serious? He's sleeping in the same bed at your BFF and thats ok with you? WOW!! I dont even know what to say...part of me thinks you've been gullible for way too long. Your first mistake was allowing him to stay there. I dont care if he has to walk 10 freaking miles in the knee deep snow he wouldnt be sleeping in another womans bed..for any reason!


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## Dev (Mar 25, 2013)

LetDownNTX said:


> I am sorry you are here but I honestly couldnt get past the part about your H staying with your BFF and sleeping in the same bed. Are you serious? He's sleeping in the same bed at your BFF and thats ok with you? WOW!! I dont even know what to say...part of me thinks you've been gullible for way too long. Your first mistake was allowing him to stay there. I dont care if he has to walk 10 freaking miles in the knee deep snow he wouldnt be sleeping in another womans bed..for any reason!


I guess that was part of my point... I was originally under the pretense that he was sleeping on the couch. It wasn't until a few months ago I found out differently. I suppose being blissfully ignorant is the only excuse I have. I should have thought differently... but hindsight is 20/20. I wish I had a better excuse for ignoring it, but I don't.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Teach him a lesson. Post your own Craigslist add and lets see what he thinks.

In all seriousness, as was already mentioned your not getting all the real info and your a bit naive to let your man sleep in another women bed. 

You need to make some real hard decisions here. Follow through with what is being told.


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## Dev (Mar 25, 2013)

On another note: Is there a way that I can recover deleted emails to see if he has actually met w/ someone? Is there a way I can access deleted text messages? 

I know he will most likely never fess up past the postings. He swears he never met w/ anyone, but I obviously don't believe him. I guess I want to be sure I have all my 'ducks in a row' before doing anything.... if that makes any sense.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Dev said:


> On another note: Is there a way that I can recover deleted emails to see if he has actually met w/ someone? Is there a way I can access deleted text messages?
> 
> I know he will most likely never fess up past the postings. He swears he never met w/ anyone, but I obviously don't believe him. I guess I want to be sure I have all my 'ducks in a row' before doing anything.... if that makes any sense.


you can PM badbane or devestateddad and get their help - they're both pros at this & both have threads on evidence gatherinig

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...one-interested-evidence-gathering-thread.html


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## Broken..ForNow (Mar 20, 2013)

walkonmars said:


> You discovered the tip of an iceberg. There is only 11% of an iceberg that is above water and 89% below. I think it's the same in your situation.
> 
> It's almost a given that he has met a good deal of women from the CL posting. If nothing else, to chat, drink, evaluate. But honestly a lot more than that happened. If you go to a cheater's website (PM me for two links) you can read how these harpies meet up and after two meetings get it on. Your husband is a pro.
> 
> ...


Will you send me the links please? How pathetic I had to google FWB


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## southernsurf (Feb 22, 2013)

Dev said:


> Part of me wants to pack him a bag, leave it at the door, and tell him when he walks in, "Go stay w/ Ange. I don't want you here right now.".


you have to start here, you have to get him out in order to sort out the facts. also do not let sahm cloud your decisons. you will be fine, but sounds like you are young. what is your Age? # kids?


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Wow I am sorry you are here. I am not going to point out your mistakes but what steps you need to take now.

1. Pack his bag and tell him to get out
2. File for D right now. So he knows you have a backbone
3. Expose the A to family and friends right now. Your BFF no BF right but you know who her parents are right? Expose
4. Get to a Dr and get checked for STD's you have no idea how many women he has F'ed
5. Get into IC
6. What to tell your kids the truth but age appropriate
7. If you decide to R at some point you have to get him into IC and MC. No Contact letters, STD test,


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## NatureDave (Feb 19, 2013)

FYI ...

The whole "friends with benefits" culture on Craigslist is primarily a way for prostitutes to hook up with John's. 

I'm not saying that it never happens that normal people hook up that way, just that 99.9% of the women who responded to your husbands add were looking for payment.


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