# Ex wife problems



## April B (May 3, 2017)

My husband and I have been together three years married for one. He was previously married for 13 years, no kids. From what I understand about the end of the relationship was that he left her because "he loved her as a person but was never attracted to her." When they got together at 19 he was sort of lost and she gave him the direction he needed to eventually succeed and start his own business. He holds a lot of guilt bc he broke her heart and says "he will never be mean to her." I have never heard him say anything bad about her and says she was a great wife. OK so here's my problem.... they are still in light communication ( mostly text) there have been some texts that I found in appropriate on her end. For example a " happy what would have been our anniversary", and a text saying that her nephews 5th birthday is today and she told the child that "uncle Jesse said happy birthday" (the child was around three when they divorced and he has not seen or talk to them since) he has never responded to any of her texts, I have told him that it makes me uncomfortable and he says that I shouldent feel that way but he will always respond to her bc he doesn't want to be mean.... that's as far as this situation has gone... another problem is that he compares me to her ( in a negative way on my end) or if I have a problem with something he's done or said, I get well Karen never had a problem this this or with that. This has made me extremely insecure, although I know that he would never get back with her, I am feeling like she is on a pedestal and I am the fool fumbling beneath her. Any input or similar feeling would be greatly appreciated


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You will not have a true marriage with an X in the mix.

No kids he should be zero contact. Period!!!!


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

Marriage works best when it is between two people, not three. One of you has to go.


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## curious234 (Jan 28, 2017)

Be on the guard he is for himself just like he used his ex. May be still he needs her opinion/directions for his success.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

I've been in your position. My late husband put his first wife on a pedestal. I was the ugly step child. Being compared to Karen is unfair to you. I even got the following from my husband: "You are just JEALOUS of Leah!" Uh, no, but I was sick and tired of hearing about her. Yep, three people in a marriage gets a bit crowded.

My suggestion would be to let him know, in no uncertain terms, that you don't wish to be compared to his ex. You are his wife now, and his first allegiance is to you. As far as how to you respond to him? Next time he hits you with, "Karen wouldn't have a problem with it," make it crystal clear you are NOT Karen and you DO have a problem with whatever. I put up with this crap for too long, and when I finally walked away from the marriage, I found out (as time went on) that my husband still had a "thing" for his ex. I wouldn't classify it as love, but he never got closure after they divorced.

P.S. - If Karen is do damn great, why did they divorce? I mean what does "not attracted" mean exactly? Was he screwing around on her?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

He doesn't respond to her texts. Enough said. You don't really have a legitimate gripe.

Sometimes a comparison thing with ex will slip out. Don't have a cow.

I see nothing that awful here.

Are you looking for a problem where there is none?


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## April B (May 3, 2017)

He does respond to the texts but his responses are appropriate in relation to her in my eyes in appropriate texts. He has told me if she texts him he will always respond bc he doesn't want to be mean


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## April B (May 3, 2017)

Prodigal said:


> I've been in your position. My late husband put his first wife on a pedestal. I was the ugly step child. Being compared to Karen is unfair to you. I even got the following from my husband: "You are just JEALOUS of Leah!" Uh, no, but I was sick and tired of hearing about her. Yep, three people in a marriage gets a bit crowded.
> 
> My suggestion would be to let him know, in no uncertain terms, that you don't wish to be compared to his ex. You are his wife now, and his first allegiance is to you. As far as how to you respond to him? Next time he hits you with, "Karen wouldn't have a problem with it," make it crystal clear you are NOT Karen and you DO have a problem with whatever. I put up with this crap for too long, and when I finally walked away from the marriage, I found out (as time went on) that my husband still had a "thing" for his ex. I wouldn't classify it as love, but he never got closure after they divorced.
> 
> P.S. - If Karen is do damn great, why did they divorce? I mean what does "not attracted" mean exactly? Was he screwing around on her?


I appreciate your response, it's nice to hear someone with a similar situtaion input. "Attracted" means physically, from my understanding we are complete and utter opposites, and I have told my friends when talking about this that I honestly don't know why he divorced her if every thing that I am not is what he liked about his ex wife. I don't think I would have a problem with the communication if there was no comparison when we're having a heated discussion. There's just some things that can't be unsaid and linger in the back of your mind effecting the rest of the relationship.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

This "nice" man who dumped his wife for whatever reasons, forgot to mention that he tied his XW's heart to his ear before he left.

Like a selfish clock maker, he listens for that beating heart. Why?

To see if it stills beats......for him. 

Sure he has guilt over his treatment of this "loyal" former wife. She "was" loyal....he was not...still is NOT.

You have taken over her role as the Loyal Wife...and soon your heart will be tied to the other ear. 

The guy is an evil musician. He is using heartbeats as a pride puffing Metronome. 

Ba bumb, ba bump, ba bump. 

Cut the cord, hers and yours...give him a missive heart attack. A Mrs.Shiv into that Heart of Darkness.

Dump him. Stick a cold stethoscope in the place from whence he delivers his glorious poop. Hence forth, Arrhythmia shall be his new pacemaker.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

April B: There's three people in your marriage. He says "he'll never be mean to her" and he is mean to you and this is demonstrated when he compares you to her.

I am 37 years married (first marriage for my husband & I). There are many challenges in a marriage. You have a huge one at your starting gate. The only solution to your problem is for your husband to cut his ex completely out of your lives. As he does not wish to do this, you need to move on. Do not waste your life in this situation. Sorry that you are here.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Men say things they don't mean out of anger. Tell him how badly that hurts you and withhold intimacy the next time he does it.
We are stupid, you have to beat us over the head before we understand. But we can learn.

I don't think he wants his ex. I think he loves you. But she is his kids mom and I can imagine he has tremendous guilt over what he did to her and his kids.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Roselyn said:


> April B: There's three people in your marriage. He says "he'll never be mean to her" and he is mean to you and this is demonstrated when he compares you to her.
> 
> I am 37 years married (first marriage for my husband & I). There are many challenges in a marriage. You have a huge one at your starting gate. The only solution to your problem is for your husband to cut his ex completely out of your lives. As he does not wish to do this, you need to move on. Do not waste your life in this situation. Sorry that you are here.


I respectfully disagree. OP says the responses are never inappropriate. He's got to communicate. 
But the comparisons---he should know better. 
OP is going to have to educate him. Harshly.


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## April B (May 3, 2017)

Evinrude58 said:


> Men say things they don't mean out of anger. Tell him how badly that hurts you and withhold intimacy the next time he does it.
> We are stupid, you have to beat us over the head before we understand. But we can learn.
> 
> I don't think he wants his ex. I think he loves you. But she is his kids mom and I can imagine he has tremendous guilt over what he did to her and his kids.


Ok sorry but u really need to re read the original post, there are no kids.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

He has no kids with her?
I thought.... either way......,
Ok, then no reason for her to be texting him, nor he to return texts.

Yep, he's wrong--- you're right.

She's stroking his ego. It's hurting you. He should stop. Plain and simple. I would feel the same as you.


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## April B (May 3, 2017)

Evinrude58 said:


> I respectfully disagree. OP says the responses are never inappropriate. He's got to communicate.
> But the comparisons---he should know better.
> OP is going to have to educate him. Harshly.


Again there are no kids, and bc of that don't really agree communication is needed. Again maybe u should re read the thread...


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Evinrude58 said:


> Men say things they don't mean out of anger. Tell him how badly that hurts you and withhold intimacy the next time he does it.
> We are stupid, you have to beat us over the head before we understand. But we can learn.
> 
> I don't think he wants his ex. I think he loves you. But she is his kids mom and I can imagine he has tremendous guilt over what he did to her and his kids.


Evinrude: Read the OPs post. He does not have children with his ex-wife! Pay attention to what she is posting before going on your advice!


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

You are correct. I failed to catch the no kids part. She's keeping an open invitiation for him to return. Dangling cherries in front of his face. He likes the attention. He knows it bothers you and still does it. 
Deal with this bs he's pulling.
You are totally in the right.
It would make anyone uncomfortable in your shoes.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

April B said:


> He does respond to the texts but his responses are appropriate in relation to her in my eyes in appropriate texts. He has told me if she texts him he will always respond bc he doesn't want to be mean


That's total BS. It hurts you though doesn't it?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Roselyn said:


> Evinrude: Read the OPs post. He does not have children with his ex-wife! Pay attention to what she is posting before going on your advice!


Yes ma'am.........


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## Hustler519 (May 4, 2017)

You cant be serious... A spouse verbally comparing you to an ex is a huge prob. Why do u even recall what Karen's likes and dislikes are? And who made Karen the blueprint for the perfect wife?


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

I would start really challenging him on his habit of comparing you to Karen. Every time he does it, stop what you're doing and look directly in his eyes. When you have his full attention, say, calmly and seriously, "It is unfair and mean to compare me to your ex-wife. I am not her. I don't want to have a relationship with someone who seems to want to be with someone else instead of me. Every time you compare me unfairly to her, it makes me not want to have sex with you." Then turn and walk away. Do this every single time he pulls that ridiculous stunt. 

If that doesn't remedy the situation within a reasonable timeframe, then it may be time for another sort of conversation. One in which you, again calmly but very seriously, tell him that since it's apparent he prefers Karen to you and has been clear that he considers you inferior to her, it is time to re-consider your marriage. Do not threaten separation or divorce unless you're prepared to actually follow-through with it. But do consider why you'd want to continue to be with someone who is mean enough to make sure you know he thinks you're less-than. If that doesn't sound appealing, and he won't change his behavior, then divorce might be your best - your only - option.


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## ILoveSparkles (Oct 28, 2013)

Did he do this behavior while you were dating?


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

If Karen's so darn perfect, next time he says she didn't have a problem with x, y or z, tell him to go and remarry her then. 

Look, I feel for Karen - he broke her heart, she still loves him - clearly, I get it. The thing is, by continuing to be in touch with her, your husband is dragging her hurt out and keeping it burning. She'll never be able to fully move on while she's still in touch with him. How cruel is that?


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