# That was hell!



## turtle1214 (Oct 11, 2017)

Hello. This is my first post in the "After Divorce" section. Not sure what made me think of this forum or why I feel I should post here, but here goes.

It's amazing how most of the experiences I've read on here are so similar. You could almost write a script. I've lost a lot of who I was before I met my ex-wife, but I've changed into a better man because of her, both in getting and being married to her and getting divorced. I've come to understand that, for many reasons, what I had with her wasn't love, or turned into something that wasn't love anymore.

One of the biggest things that's changed about me is I'm not sure I want kids anymore. I actually tried with my ex up to a year and a half before we were married. I'm so thankful we never conceived. I can't imagine being a single dad right now. A single parent is something I never want to be. I'm not sure I could ever trust someone enough to have kids with them. It's more than that, though. With everything going on in the last year and especially the last two weeks, I don't know if I want to bring more children into this messed up world. I don't want to worry about my kids wearing their Kevlar vests in school.

I've been taking care of me. Going to the gym and eating healthy regularly. Got back into the daring scene soon after the divorce was final in January. Some people say that's too soon, but I really feel like I've moved on as much as I can. As long as I'm open and honest with someone and they're the same with me, I don't see it as a problem. I've already broken it off with someone because they weren't someone I wanted to be with (actually turned out to be a hell of a lot like my ex). 

I'm dating someone else who I like, but I don't know if she feels the same way. If she doesn't, we'll stop dating and I'll be okay. If she does and I'm just reading too much (or too little) into it then great! I plan on talking to her about it tonight after she gets of work.

I'm also putting myself out there to make new friends. I've hit it off with a fellow Harry Potter/LotR fan and we've hung out quite a few times.

I'm making the most out of my career. I'm a teacher, but might have to change careers if I can't find a better paying job. I can't support myself in my current salary and I don't want to have to rely on someone else's income the next time I buy a house (had to sell the house I bought last year).

Again, not sure why I wanted to post an update here. Maybe it's just another way to add finality to such a hard road. Hope you're all doing well!


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

Hang in there......You're doing great!


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

You made it through the worst. Now find a way to go through the BEST. 

I think you'll find when you meet the right woman, a woman of character, your fear of having kids and being betrayed again, will be much less than you're feeling now.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Now wanting kids or trusting anyone is part of the process. I don't know how old you are, but if you are still young enough you might meet someone who will change both of those things. It really isn't even a matter of trusting anyone, I think it is more about a new awareness that wasn't there before, that makes you more particular. 
Some people stumble into a life partner, others settle for one, still others have simply lucked into one. Regardless if you haven't had your trust tested, you wouldn't understand. But if you have gone thru the wringer of divorce you acquire (or should) a greater awareness than you had before.


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## turtle1214 (Oct 11, 2017)

> You made it through the worst. Now find a way to go through the BEST.





> But if you have gone thru the wringer of divorce you acquire (or should) a greater awareness than you had before.


I was telling a friend the other day that there is a powerful realization that I came to. I made it through the worst. It's almost like no one can hurt me as much as I've already been hurt and there's a confidence in knowing that no matter what happens, I'll survive. It makes it easier to cut the cord with someone if I don't think it's a good fit. I thought what I had with my ex was love, but I know there is someone out there who will make me realize that what I had with her was peanuts in comparison.

I don't have many friends and the ones I have are far away and not easy to get into contact with. I couldn't imagine getting through this as well and fast as I did without TAM. What an amazing community of strong people!


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

turtle1214 said:


> I was telling a friend the other day that there is a powerful realization that I came to. I made it through the worst. It's almost like no one can hurt me as much as I've already been hurt and there's a confidence in knowing that no matter what happens, I'll survive. It makes it easier to cut the cord with someone if I don't think it's a good fit. I thought what I had with my ex was love, but I know there is someone out there who will make me realize that what I had with her was peanuts in comparison.
> 
> I don't have many friends and the ones I have are far away and not easy to get into contact with. I couldn't imagine getting through this as well and fast as I did without TAM. What an amazing community of strong people!


That realization will reward you so much more as you move forward. It is one those things that some people never quite grasp. So they end up in the same sad situation over and over again and again.


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