# Abuse? What would you do?



## Mamabear1 (Jun 14, 2014)

Hi, I found this forum while searching for info on abuse. I am in need of outside perspective. 

My husband and I got married 7 years ago. When we get into arguments, even minor ones, my husband wont look at me. Ive asked for him to give me eye contact, but he refuses and keeps staring at other things, usually his computer. I find this disrespectful, so in my mind, the argument shifts from whatever we are discussing (usually its just me talking and him quietly staring off) to why doesnt he show me that he respects me and is listening to me. It is like im talking to a wall. He then starts showing anger by throwing insults at me and defensively coming back at whatever I say, like a teenager. Naturally I get upset and now the argument has escalated to shouting. I refrain from insulting him back, but he fires insults at me to purposely make me feel weak and hurt. He then tells me to go away and leave him alone. Then he shuts the door on my face. 

This is an example of a very typical argument that we have. It can start by something small. Tonight I had asked him politely to help me clean underneath the baby's high chair. I had reminded him that previously I had asked him to wash a cup of milk because I forgot to wash it and I was going to be away for 2 days. When I came back, the cup of milk was still on the table and the milk had turned solid. He got mad and said that he doesnt have any time to do any housework. I could see that he was starting to get mad because he wouldnt look at me. I then asked him to look at me because we were talking. Then he angrily pounded on his desk and let out a grunt, then jumped out of his chair and puffed up his chest and headed towards me, the way men do when theyre about to get in a fight. I got scared and screamed and slapped his shoulder impulsively. I swear he was about to hit me although he didnt put his hand up. He complained that i slapped his shoulder. He didnt hit me but yelled and told me to go away. This is the first time i felt like he would hurt me. 

Do you think this will get worse? Is this emotional/verbal abuse? Is it likely to turn physical in the future? I have a 1.5 year old daughter and am concerned for her emotional health.


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## Mamabear1 (Jun 14, 2014)

I wanted to add that we tried counseling before. He told the counselor that he purposely shuts me out and hurls insults at me to hurt me so that I would go away and then he won't have to deal with me. 

I get this treatment for small requests such as asking him to kill a spider or wash the dishes. We have a baby so workload for me has increased. I try to get him to help out but he gives me a hard time.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I’m not sure that it quiet rises to abuse, but it’s not good. 

The threatening stance that he took towards you today is of concern. It sounds like he is escalating. Often emotional abuse turns into physical abuse. It sounds like you might be on the cusp. 

Your hitting him is not good either. Make sure that you don’t do that again. 

Has he always refused to do things around the house? Or is this new? 

How long has he behaved like this? He sounds like a very angry man.

When you see that he is not looking at your and ignoring what you say, why do you continue to talk to him? This is an important question to ask yourself. Why would you talk to someone who is acting like that towards you?

Do you have a job outside the home?

How old are the two of you?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Mamabear1 said:


> I wanted to add that we tried counseling before. He told the counselor that he purposely shuts me out and hurls insults at me to hurt me so that I would go away and then he won't have to deal with me.
> 
> I get this treatment for small requests such as asking him to kill a spider or wash the dishes. We have a baby so workload for me has increased. I try to get him to help out but he gives me a hard time.


That is very aggressive and childish behavior on his part.

Do the two of you spend any time together doing things that you both enjoy?

Does he spend a lot of time on his computer with the room door closed?


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## Mamabear1 (Jun 14, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> I’m not sure that it quiet rises to abuse, but it’s not good.
> 
> The threatening stance that he took towards you today is of concern. It sounds like he is escalating. Often emotional abuse turns into physical abuse. It sounds like you might be on the cusp.
> 
> ...


Thank you for your reply. 

I am 33, he is 34.

He sometimes is helpful(sorta), but most of the time not. He doesn't do things on his own and never asks if i need help with anything. But having a baby now, i need more help around the house or else things wont get done. Before the baby i could manage to do it all myself. He thinks helping with the baby is doing me a favor because it is my job. I am a stay-at-home mom. 

He has behaved like this towards me our whole marriage. There was a point in time that lasted maybe a year when we hardly fought. This is when i realized he didn't want to be bothered with stuff and i had to do things on my own. I could manage to dodge his anger because i knew the signs and knew when to avoid asking him for stuff. But since the baby was born, we have been fighting more since i have to take care of baby and sometimes need help with the housework. 

I continue to talk to him to see if he is really listening. He often responds with a "yeah" but later on " forgets" what i asked him. I also don't like feeling disrespected and like I'm not even worthy of a glance of acknowledgment.


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## Mamabear1 (Jun 14, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> That is very aggressive and childish behavior on his part.
> 
> Do the two of you spend any time together doing things that you both enjoy?
> 
> Does he spend a lot of time on his computer with the room door closed?


We do take time to get a babysitter and have date nights. Actually, other than when we are arguing, everything seems fine. We have a great time taking our daughter out too. 

He spends a ton of time on his computer. The door is usually open, but sometimes closed. He works on his computer though so he has the excuse that he is doing work.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

What is your sex life like? Are the two of you happy with it? Does one of you seem to turn the other down a lot? If so which one?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How long ago was the last time you had a job?

Does he work at home all he time? Or is he just on the computer after work and on weekends? Do you have any idea what he's doing on the computer?

How is money handled? Do you two have a joint account which both of you have access to? Do you have free access to spending money? Or does he control the money?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

As you know, he's treating you with gross disrespect. Unfortunately you have let this go on for a very long time. We teach people how to treat us. You have taught him that this is acceptable.

Are there any domestic abuse places near you? I think that you would benefit greatly from some counseling on how to become more assertive and set boundaries.

There is a book that I think will help you, "Divorce Busters". when/if you read it, pay attention to the chapter on the 180.

One thing you can start right now it to not argue with him at all.

The dynamic I see between the two of you is that you try to talk to him, he won't look at you, you escalate telling him to look at you, then he throws insults at you, then the fight get worse and eventually you feel emotionally beaten up.

It’s like a dance. Each of you know your steps and you have done this constantly for 7 years now. But you don’t like this dance. So stop the music and stop doing the dance.

You asked him to pick up under the high chair. But you had to throw in a comments about how he forgot to clean up the spilled milk. So he ignores you. You told him to look at you. He did not and then it ends in him being threatening.

You need to stop this. Just tell him one time… could you please help by cleaning up under the high chair. That’s it. don’t bring up any think the spilled milk.

If he does not look at you… STOP TALKING TO HIM. JUST WALK AWAY. Why would you spend one second around a person who ignores you and looks the other way? When you argue back, tell him to look at you, etc. you are giving him validation that you are a nagging, annoying wife. This makes him feel justified. Plus look at all the attention you are giving him. The more you are telling him to look at you and arguing with him, the more attention he’s getting. Apparently he’s ok with the negative attention. This is what he does it for.. .to get you angry who that you pay attention to him and so that he can validate his anger.

So just walk away. So not show any anger or being upset. Just say calmly, “Please clean up the floor under the high chair”. He’s probably not going to do it. But how is that any different than now? 

Try to plan to have things to do for when he starts to pull the ignore/insult/argue routine. Stay calm and just walk away. If you can go somewhere with your child. Get out of the house. Or go to a room by yourself and ignore him.

See how he reacts to you not doing what you usually do. Just make this one change for the next week and see what changes it makes.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Honestly, you both seem like you need help communicating and having a civil disagreement. For your part, you KNOW how he's going to react when he starts behaving a particular way, yet you continue to push him anyway. 

My advice... Get a counsellor who can help the two of you with some new communication tools. Before it gets beyond YOU physically abusing him.

C


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

This may go against the stream here but....your husband could have written a similar post asking if he is being abused. I understand you are frustrated, but obviously badgering him isn't working, demanding he look at you is a control thing, he will only continue to fight that. He should be getting up and helping around the house, that's what partners do, but you giving him orders makes him into a subordinate, so now he feels pushed and pressured. Has he ever threatened or hit you? Yet you hit him "defensively" I have never heard of someone 'slapping" someones shoulder as a defensive reaction...that sounds more like a I'm pissed off action. Just saying.

Try this...tell your husband you need to set some time to talk..don't demand he stop what he's doing and look at you that second. Pick a time with no distractions, no TV or computer, or kids. Tell him you are feeling overwhelmed and need help, maybe you can set up a schedule of some sort, maybe he can do the dinner feeding or bath and bedtime routine. 

But here's something very important to understand..you must listen to what he has to say, don't dismiss his thoughts because it's not what you want to hear or what you want him to do. Bottom line is you and your husband may have very different views on how to be a parent and a life partner, what's a priory and what's not. That's what makes marriage tricky, understanding the differences between each other and working around those differences....or not.


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## Sunburn (Jul 9, 2012)

Mamabear1 said:


> Hi, I found this forum while searching for info on abuse. I am in need of outside perspective.
> 
> My husband and I got married 7 years ago. When we get into arguments, even minor ones, my husband wont look at me. Ive asked for him to give me eye contact, but he refuses and keeps staring at other things, usually his computer.


This sounds like something I used to do with my X but it was because she would stand there and go on and on berating me and repeating the same things over and over and over. She had come from a very abusive relationship and I was paying for it. After she figured it out things got a lot better.

It would be great if the forum had a capability to post videos then we could see what actually goes on in every op's topic.


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## Mamabear1 (Jun 14, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> How long ago was the last time you had a job?
> 
> Does he work at home all he time? Or is he just on the computer after work and on weekends? Do you have any idea what he's doing on the computer?
> 
> How is money handled? Do you two have a joint account which both of you have access to? Do you have free access to spending money? Or does he control the money?


The last time I had a job was 2 years ago when I was pregnant.

He works at home half of the day, but he stays on the computer after hours from the time he is off work until midnight. He takes some breaks to eat dinner and help bathe the baby or to go work out. 

We have a shared account that we both manage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mamabear1 (Jun 14, 2014)

So what I gather from all the responses is:

1. I am an annoying nagging wife.
2. I need to avoid all arguments at all costs.
3. I should accept that my husband doesn't love or respect me. 
4. I am the actual abuser.

Thanks everyone for your help.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Yeah, it's abuse. It may or may not get worse, but it likely will. Sounds like he doesn't respect your opinions, nor care for you as a person. He just doesn't respect who you are. He needs to get some help to figure out why that is and then make some changes in himself and his life. 

I don't think this is a good situation for you to be in. I hope you don't have children and are not considering having any soon. It would only make things worse.

ETA: I think you need to get into some counseling and talk about what you might have to do and how you will do it. This isn't very good.


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## Mamabear1 (Jun 14, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> As you know, he's treating you with gross disrespect. Unfortunately you have let this go on for a very long time. We teach people how to treat us. You have taught him that this is acceptable.
> 
> Are there any domestic abuse places near you? I think that you would benefit greatly from some counseling on how to become more assertive and set boundaries.
> 
> ...


Elegirl, thanks for your input. You've given me a lot to think about. You seem like a caring and understanding person. I will try your advice and see if anything changes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Marriage is for adults and he sounds adolescent. His coping skills are avoidance and intimidation. The problem is you can't change him for force him to respect you. All you can do is decide what's a deal breaker or not and be ready to act if he doesn't change.

Honestly trying to force him to look at you is playing into his childish game and that's not going to help anything. Regarding him trying to intimidate you physically, in my opinion, that's a runaway train and you're the brakes. To me that's a deal breaker. No one should be intimidated within their own home but it happens all of the time by spouses and grown children.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Mamabear1 said:


> So what I gather from all the responses is:
> 
> 1. I am an annoying nagging wife.
> 2. I need to avoid all arguments at all costs.
> ...


1. I don't know, but I don't think so.
2. No, this only gets you deeper into the abused wife syndrome.
3. No, just know that he likely doesn't respect you and doesn't know how to love you.
4. No, you are not and abuser, as far as I can tell. 


Abuse is about control. There are many ways to abuse and thereby control how you react or do things in the future. 

Why does he need to be told to wash a glass?


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Mamabear1 said:


> So what I gather from all the responses is:
> 
> 1. I am an annoying nagging wife.
> 2. I need to avoid all arguments at all costs.
> ...


You can't cherry pick MB. The majority of comments say no such thing. We're trying to help you not participate in ineffective methods. Clearly the "dance" EleGirl pointed out isn't working for you so try something different. Commanding respect isn't achieved by making someone respect you. It's achieved by not being around anyone who treats you bad. The point is, it becomes his choice to either stay and be respectful or to leave and be..... not your problem.


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## Mamabear1 (Jun 14, 2014)

Cooper said:


> This may go against the stream here but....your husband could have written a similar post asking if he is being abused. I understand you are frustrated, but obviously badgering him isn't working, demanding he look at you is a control thing, he will only continue to fight that. He should be getting up and helping around the house, that's what partners do, but you giving him orders makes him into a subordinate, so now he feels pushed and pressured. Has he ever threatened or hit you? Yet you hit him "defensively" I have never heard of someone 'slapping" someones shoulder as a defensive reaction...that sounds more like a I'm pissed off action. Just saying.
> 
> Try this...tell your husband you need to set some time to talk..don't demand he stop what he's doing and look at you that second. Pick a time with no distractions, no TV or computer, or kids. Tell him you are feeling overwhelmed and need help, maybe you can set up a schedule of some sort, maybe he can do the dinner feeding or bath and bedtime routine.
> 
> But here's something very important to understand..you must listen to what he has to say, don't dismiss his thoughts because it's not what you want to hear or what you want him to do. Bottom line is you and your husband may have very different views on how to be a parent and a life partner, what's a priory and what's not. That's what makes marriage tricky, understanding the differences between each other and working around those differences....or not.


I didn't say I slapped him defensively, I said I did it impulsively because I was scared. My husband is a very big, athletic guy. He had told me in the past that one time he woke up and had thoughts about killing me. He said he had to fight the thoughts for 5-10 minutes as I laid next to him sleeping. This was on a night that we weren't arguing or mad at each other. He repeated this to the counselor another time in front of me. Yes, when he got up and darted at me, I was afraid for my life. In fact every time we get into an argument I have thoughts in the back of my mind that he may be thinking about killing me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Get away from him as soon as possible.


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## Mamabear1 (Jun 14, 2014)

Thundarr said:


> You can't cherry pick MB. The majority of comments say no such thing. We're trying to help you not participate in ineffective methods. Clearly the "dance" EleGirl pointed out isn't working for you so try something different. Commanding respect isn't achieved by making someone respect you. It's achieved by not being around anyone who treats you bad. Then it becomes his choice. Stay and be respectful or be somewhere else.


You're right. I guess I was confused with the mixed responses.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sunburn (Jul 9, 2012)

Mamabear1 said:


> So what I gather from all the responses is:
> 
> 1. I am an annoying nagging wife.
> 2. I need to avoid all arguments at all costs.
> ...


 If some comments do not agree with what you are seeking to validate it is only because we're only getting one side of the story and trying to be objective.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Mamabear1 said:


> I didn't say I slapped him defensively, I said I did it impulsively because I was scared. My husband is a very big, athletic guy. He had told me in the past that one time he woke up and had thoughts about killing me. He said he had to fight the thoughts for 5-10 minutes as I laid next to him sleeping. This was on a night that we weren't arguing or mad at each other. He repeated this to the counselor another time in front of me. Yes, when he got up and darted at me, I was afraid for my life. In fact every time we get into an argument I have thoughts in the back of my mind that he may be thinking about killing me.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Seriously MB, you just can't let threats like that pass. He either meant it and you're in danger or he was bluffing and trying to intimidate you again. Either one is just a no-go in marriage.

He's either dangerous or he's a bully.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

He calls you names? Is that what you mean by he 'insults' you? 

He has thoughts of killing you. ( very frightening behavior)

He rushes at you in anger. 

If he won't go to MC, then I think you should be going by yourself. This can't go on like this. 

As for chores, for myself if I fed the kids when they were young I would clean up after them, I would do the entire 'task' myself. And I would let him do his entire tasks himself as well. 

Can you sit down together and make up a chore list?

As for demanding he look at you, personally I would find that not really necessary to do, and may escalate the situation.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Take your daughter and leave. I've seen this mentality with my ex; your hb likely resents you and feels stuck because of your daughter. He may resent having to support you but knows he can't get rid of you without losing his daughter full time, paying child support, and probably alimony. That's why he thought about killing you because that would solve his problem. Until he went to jail of course, but people don't think that far ahead.

Do not spend one more night with this man; take your daughter and leave.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Mamabear1 said:


> I didn't say I slapped him defensively, I said I did it impulsively because I was scared. My husband is a very big, athletic guy. *He had told me in the past that one time he woke up and had thoughts about killing me. He said he had to fight the thoughts for 5-10 minutes as I laid next to him sleeping. *This was on a night that we weren't arguing or mad at each other. He repeated this to the counselor another time in front of me. Yes, when he got up and darted at me, I was afraid for my life. In fact every time we get into an argument I have thoughts in the back of my mind that he may be thinking about killing me.


As someone else said, either he's a danger to you or he said that to intimidate/scare you.

Always take that kind of threat seriously. He gave you a warning that he wants to hurt you very badly. You should be scared.

Do you have family near where you live? Is there anywhere that you can go stay?


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Mamabear1 said:


> I didn't say I slapped him defensively, I said I did it impulsively because I was scared. My husband is a very big, athletic guy. He had told me in the past that one time he woke up and had thoughts about killing me. He said he had to fight the thoughts for 5-10 minutes as I laid next to him sleeping. This was on a night that we weren't arguing or mad at each other. He repeated this to the counselor another time in front of me. Yes, when he got up and darted at me, I was afraid for my life. In fact every time we get into an argument I have thoughts in the back of my mind that he may be thinking about killing me.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


To me that puts things in an entirely different perspective; if he has threatened and been tempted to kill you why in the world are you still with him? You need to plan an exit quickly, no one should live under that kind of threat.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Your husband is Passive-Aggressive, which is extremely abusive. I was married to someone who handled conflict just like your husband. They have to control the situation by "refusing to make eye contact," childish rants, etc.

He needs individual counseling to start facing problems head on and stop acting like a child.

And the death threats? Well, that's a game-ender for me. Personally I would divorce him.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

happy as a clam said:


> Your husband is Passive-Aggressive, which is extremely abusive. I was married to someone who handled conflict just like your husband. They have to control the situation by "refusing to make eye contact," childish rants, etc.
> 
> He needs individual counseling to start facing problems head on and stop acting like a child.
> 
> And the death threats? Well, that's a game-ender for me. Personally I would divorce him.


Ditto....


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## Mamabear1 (Jun 14, 2014)

indiecat said:


> He calls you names? Is that what you mean by he 'insults' you?
> 
> He has thoughts of killing you. ( very frightening behavior)
> 
> ...


By insults I mean things like (when asking him to look at me) "looking at you is not pleasing to the eye" "you're right I don't respect you" or just hurtful things like "STFU" "thats why you don't have any friends" "everyone is afraid of you because you talk in a condescending way to everyone." Of course this causes me to reevaluate my actions/appearance. It makes me feel unattractive and maybe he is right that no one likes me. I honestly don't think the statements are true, besides the one about him not respecting me. But they do make me feel insecure.

I now realize that asking him to look at me may not be important enough to cause an argument over. It wont make him respect me any more.


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## Mamabear1 (Jun 14, 2014)

Thank you all for your input. I know that the threats seem like a deal breaker. We talked briefly today and decided to give counseling another try. It is our only hope atm. I think both of us can use individual as well as couples counseling. 

Today, my husband told me that he was scared too when we had our fight yesterday because he didn't even realize he was standing up until afterwards. He said it was like he blacked out for a moment. What do you think about that?

Do you think theres any hope for us?


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Blackout rage is pretty bad. Those are questions for a qualified professional to answer.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Mamabear1 said:


> Thank you all for your input. I know that the threats seem like a deal breaker. We talked briefly today and decided to give counseling another try. It is our only hope atm. I think both of us can use individual as well as couples counseling.
> 
> *Today, my husband told me that he was scared too when we had our fight yesterday because he didn't even realize he was standing up until afterwards. He said it was like he blacked out for a moment. What do you think about that?*
> 
> Do you think theres any hope for us?


This is blackout rage.. very dangerous.

There is a good book that helped me a lot years ago. *"The Dance of Anger: A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships"* by Harriet Lerner 

Harriet Lerner has a series of "Dance" books. Another one that come to mind in your situation:

*"The Dance of Intimacy: A Woman's Guide to Courageous Acts of Change in Key Relationships"* by Harriet Lerner


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Mamabear1 said:


> Do you think theres any hope for us?


Only if BOTH of you will work on fixing things.

Your husband needs to work on the underlying anger and the threat of killing you. Your counselor needs to know that the told you this.


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## Mamabear1 (Jun 14, 2014)

2ntnuf said:


> Blackout rage is pretty bad. Those are questions for a qualified professional to answer.


I will look into blackout rage. Do you think a regular marriage counselor is qualified enough or would he have to see a psychiatrist?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Mamabear1 said:


> I will look into blackout rage. Do you think a regular marriage counselor is qualified enough or would he have to see a psychiatrist?


Start with the MC. Discuss with him/her what they think would be the way to go.


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## Mamabear1 (Jun 14, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> This is blackout rage.. very dangerous.
> 
> There is a good book that helped me a lot years ago. *"The Dance of Anger: A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships"* by Harriet Lerner
> 
> ...


Thank you so much for the resources! I will definitely look those up.


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## Mamabear1 (Jun 14, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Only if BOTH of you will work on fixing things.
> 
> Your husband needs to work on the underlying anger and the threat of killing you. Your counselor needs to know that the told you this.


You know what's funny (but not really)? When my hb told the previous counselor about his thoughts of killing me, she didn't have a response to it. At the end of the session I went back to it and told her that I thought it was alarming that she didn't address the issue and that I was afraid of him. She went in another room for a few minutes and came back with a piece of paper. I think she just typed it up just then. It was entitled "non-violence agreement" and it said "I _____ promise not to physically harm ______." If I do, I will take full responsibility..." Then she had him sign it. Then she looks at me and goes, "now do you feel better?" 

Ummm.......


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Psychologist with a minimum of a Master's degree, but a doctorate would be better.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

This is not your problem to solve.

In December I realized my H's anger was beyond my capacity to "fix" and said this to him... "Your anger is excessive. It is beyond my ability to cope or fix it. And by now you have both your wife and your son afraid of you, therefore I am requiring you to get professional help with anger management. If you do not start by the first of the year we will be separating. If you still refuse to pursue it after that you will be choosing to risk divorce with me."

My H's anger had a hair trigger, making it chronic over little things, then it would be huge, thus unresponsive to any correction making it dangerous. My husband has expressed his emotions with a knife before. So when I mentioned this incident to a counselor and she too did not react like yours, I found another counselor. My number one priority was protecting my child not the marriage. I had divorce papers sitting on hold and a restraining order sitting on ready. Let yourself off the hook to fix him because you cant, instead switch to the mode of protecting your child. This is his problem that requires serious professionals. Is he on meds now and is he a gamer, if so, what does he play? Do his parents or yours know?


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Just bought The Dance of Anger and found another excellent resource!! 

Beyond Anger a guide for men... Written by a male counselor who had to overcome his own chronic anger.... Reading it now and it is my story with my H right now... Excellent!!


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## HangingOnHope (Oct 26, 2013)

Not it "seems" like a deal breaker...it *is* a deal breaker. Violence or even threats of violence to intimidate/bully/harass/cause fear.....ARE violence. Not all violence is involves putting his hands on you.

Please look at the Wheel of Abuse
http://www.theduluthmodel.org/pdf/PowerandControl.pdf

You *are* in an abusive relationship, imo.

Please put some physical distance between you while you both get therapy. For him, I suggest anger management from someone who specializes in working with men who abuse women. 

Best wishes & please stay safe...I know its a hard pill to swallow.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Great advice


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Mamabear1 said:


> Today, my husband told me that he was scared too when we had our fight yesterday because he didn't even realize he was standing up until afterwards. He said it was like he blacked out for a moment. What do you think about that?
> 
> Do you think theres any hope for us?


That's his way of saying it wasn't his fault; he's not to blame; he had no control; he's the victim.

*I blacked out* or *I was on drugs* or *I was drunk* are all a big fat load of crap. In other words, you show me 10 guys who black out and jump on some big guy that knocks their teeth out. Then I'll show you 10 guys who don't blackout to jump on him again. It's usually their "I'm not at fault" card and nothing more than blame shifting. And they use it because it works.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Mamabear1 said:


> You know what's funny (but not really)? When my hb told the previous counselor about his thoughts of killing me, she didn't have a response to it. At the end of the session I went back to it and told her that I thought it was alarming that she didn't address the issue and that I was afraid of him. She went in another room for a few minutes and came back with a piece of paper. I think she just typed it up just then. It was entitled "non-violence agreement" and it said "I _____ promise not to physically harm ______." If I do, I will take full responsibility..." Then she had him sign it. Then she looks at me and goes, "now do you feel better?"
> 
> Ummm.......


Don't go back to that counselor. What a stupid woman.


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## thehardlife2 (Jun 17, 2014)

I agree with the previous poster. Sorry you are going through this.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@StephenH123 the thread you posted in is a zombie thread.

If you wish to continue a thread on your issues and problems, please do so by starting a new thread. 

(This thread is closed for further replies)


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