# Beating myself up



## MsLady (Dec 1, 2008)

I'm beating myself up today. I have the house, the good husband, the kids and I'm still fundamentally unhappy. Very unhappy. When one is younger, unhappy is bad. But by the time you get to mid-30's and have seen a few tragedies, you know that there is so much pain and awfulness out there that anytime I feel unhappy about my pretty normal life, I feel guilty for not being satisfied.

People are starving, people have cancer, brain tumors, no housing, etc. How dare I be this unhappy. Yet I am. No matter how much time I spend convincing myself to be happy, listing all the grea things I have so I could feel grateful, I'm still unhappy. And I AM grateful for what I have, but not satisfied.

I have the house, the husband, the kids and basic financial security. But what I don't have is that person to wake up to in the morning and I look into their face and feel joy to be right there next to them. I need to love and intimacy like crazy and, while hubby would be so thrilled if I could over myself and feel those things for him, I don't. I don't know how to make myself feel this way. I've been trying for years, and for many of those I've tried very hard and with a very willing heart. But it's not there.

Then I think maybe I'm defective. Maybe some people can only love so much and it's me that's the problem and finding someone else wouldn't fix anything. Is that possible? But then I remind myself that I was in previous relationships where I was totally satisfied. Sure, it didn't work out for this or that reason, but I was in those relationships for years feeling in love with my partner. Why can't I feel that for my husband (never have).

Ok, sob sob sob story over. Just needed to get that little monologue off my chest. Thank you for listening.


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## lostluv (May 12, 2008)

MsLady,
I unfortunately have no advice for you, but you have basically put my feeling out in your words. Icompletely understand and sypathize with where you are. I will be watching this thread in hopes that someone has advice (for both of us)


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## sunnygirl (Nov 23, 2008)

I feel the same way you do. My husband is a great provider and loves me a lot. The problem is I do not feel anything for him. I look in his eyes and see nothing. I have actually never felt in love with him, from day one. There has always been something really missing. I knew this but married him anyway.

I was also on relationships that were very good. I really was in love. I'm not sure why those ended and I ended up in this relationship. I feel guilty about wanting more. I keep reading how the love fades over time with anyone, maybe that is true. I would hate to found that out, after having traded down financially. 

I don't know what the answer is. I wish I did. I guess I just have to ask myself if the money is worth staying for. I'm not so sure. I feel like he may be missing out on true love by staying with me. And that is really wrong, too.


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## stumped (May 16, 2008)

Ok you guys are saying it has been this way since day one....if that was the case why on earth did you get married???????


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

MsLady said:


> I feel guilty for not being satisfied.


You are doing the best with what you have. It doesn't work to compare yourself to everyone else. Experiences like pain and joy are not comparable, they are relative to each person. 

I read a book called _The Long Way Gone: Memoirs of a Boy Soldier_ by Ishmael Beah. Absoultley the most disturbing and tragic story I have ever read. Even more so then _The Boy Called It_. But i dont compare myself to these people. They went through horrible things, much worse then I will ever know, but instead i ask myself what can i learn from them? 

Be patient with yourself and just take it one day at a time. Learn a little here, and a little there, but keep going as if tomorrow you'll find the answer.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

MsLady...(((HUGS)))...I wish it weren't so...you deserve all the happiness you can handle! We all do. Hang in there, girl!


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

sunnygirl said:


> I keep reading how the love fades over time with anyone, maybe that is true. I would hate to found that out, after having traded down financially.


Every time I read this sort of thing I shake my head. How come my wife and I are more in love and getting on better now after 20 years? You have to put a penny in the meter.



sunnygirl said:


> I don't know what the answer is. I wish I did. I guess I just have to ask myself if the money is worth staying for. I'm not so sure. I feel like he may be missing out on true love by staying with me. And that is really wrong, too.


Please, look within yourself and find the love in your heart to love him. It's only because the closeness of marriage brings out the things we most can't stand about ourselves that we fall out of love with our spouse. Why? Because we project onto him/her all our worst garbage.

If you could see him for what he really is, he would not seem so bad.


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## MsLady (Dec 1, 2008)

So many wise words being offered. I need to read them over and over to really absorb them. It's hard.



> Ok you guys are saying it has been this way since day one....if that was the case why on earth did you get married???????


I'm sure the answer to this is different for everyone. For me, it was a few reasons.

1 - My parents had an awful, awful relationship. My mother was so madly in love and passionate about my dad that she put up with a lot of abuse. As a kid, I was appalled and thought to myself "is this love?" "is this what love will make you do? let go of your self-respect and all your life's dreams just so you could be with someone?" I thought to myself that love really wasn't such a good thing. I thought I didn't want to feel that much about anybody. This wasn't all conscious, mind you. I've sorted that out as I've grown and become more aware and asked myself why I married a man I didn't feel that Eros kind of love for. At that time, marrying a good friend seemed so much better and safe (emotionally) because I didn't feel like I was truly giving myself over (and I wouldn't be like my mother). It's warped logic, I know, but that's how our minds and hearts go sometimes. I actually AVOIDED the guys that I was really into ... that feeling scared me.

2 - I always heard so many people talk about how passion and attraction fade in marriage anyway and that what's left in the end is friendship. People say that friendship is the most important part of a good relationship, so my logic said why not marry my friend then? The rest would go away anyway, but if I knew I married a good friend, then wouldn't I be alright?

3 - So much that I hear about attraction is that it's something you work on, something you can create or develop or grow into. So I thought, if nothing else, I would grow to be attracted to my husband, I would develop some of that eros feeling with time. But it hasn't happened. It now seems like, if it wasn't there to begin with, you can't just create it out of thin air.

4 - When I met him, he had just come out of a divorce and was a broken man (no, we didn't have anything while he was still married). I got into some sort of hero/ rescue role. I was his sole support system and felt like I wanted to save him from his depression and his unhappiness. I trapped myself in that role and didn't know how to get myself out of it. When he proposed marriage to me, the thought of hurting his feelings killed me. I said yes - but then had panic attacks for months afterward thinking I made a mistake and trying to figure out how to break it off. But by that point, his family knew me and my family knew him and everyone was over the top excited we were getting married, so now I would have to disappoint him and a bunch of other people I loved. And I thought they would think I was crazy to not marry such a nice guy. Stupid that I cared so much about not disappointing and hurting everyone else. But that's how I was then. I didn't spend enough time thinking of myself and what *I* wanted. And, like I said, he seemed like a safe choice for someone who thought she'd never get married because I couldn't imagine marrying anyone who wouldn't hurt me.

I guess that's what it mostly came down to - safety vs. taking the risk of truly falling in love and giving my heart over to someone and trusting that love could be a good thing and that being vulnerable like that could be a good thing.

Once we got married, I decided to just work on it. I've worked on making it a good marriage for years (and he has to - like I said, he's a good man). I've worked on finding things that are attractive about him. We are good friends and have good communication still (though less and less these days because I just have all these thoughts floating in my head that I can't share with him). But all that work that I've done hasn't gotten my anywhere. I could go on forever in this "safe", look-warm way, but it feels like a small death. I guess I dug my own grave there though. And I feel selfish for daring to be this unhappy when things aren't really that bad. It's all in my head and my heart, but the external look of things seems fine (well, except for our bad sex life ... we do it maybe 3-4 times per year)


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## stumped (May 16, 2008)

Well that sheds some light on the situation and I can say that I really do feel for you that you feel this way. But I also have to say I feel bad for your husband. Thats all I am going to say because I dont think my opinion will go over well. 

Good luck and I hope you find the happiness that you are searching for =)


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

I replied to your statement in the frequency of sex thread:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/30043-post20.html


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## MsLady (Dec 1, 2008)

Stumped: You underestimate me. I really do want to work on my situation, which means I want to hear all perspectives even if they aren't fuzzy, happy ones or supportive or whatever. Truth is the best source of light. So, if you are so inclined, by all means share your opinion. I'm open to it.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/30170-post21.html

Having read your response, I have to tell you, your marriage will never work unless you are willing to lovingly fix the sex problems in the thread above. The shrivelling up is due to your husband's fear. He needs someone to reach him. 

You could easily be that person, you just need to develop that skill. I am willing to help you do that if you want.


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## Tawny Somers (Oct 31, 2008)

You have 2 children with this man, you owe it to them to stay and fix the marriage. If you're not made happy BY him, then find a way to GET happy and bring it TO him....one way or the other. Do whatever it takes to keep your family together.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Why does SHE <NEED> to be the one to put in all the effort?!? BS! It's a joint effort. They both must work on it. Communications! It's a two way street. 

Her happiness shouldn't depend on him, but some of it does. She can't give what she doesn't have.


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## Junebug (Dec 7, 2008)

I, too, never 'fell in love' with my husband. He was (is) a good man, a good father, he is someone that along the way things just progressed- dinner, living together, I guess we get married next, have babies... and now, 17 years later one of the many issues I face with him is that there is no attraction. I never felt butterflies- even in the beginning. I never wanted the affection, the daily things like quiet kisses and snuggles, because I was never attracted to him. I never stopped and looked at how I felt, things just progressed to the next step. Now I am facing a number of issues with him, and that is a big one for me. I don't have the day-to-day intimacy with him that I know in my heart exists. I want to walk in a room and say to myself 'yeah, that's my man'. I know that doesn't last forever, but if it was never there, how healthy can the relationship be when it is lacking all the things that that feeling leads to? It's like living with a room mate. If the 'in-love' feeling is at 100% in the beginning and fades over time, you are still left with some part of that, something to re-spark the flame. If it was never there, you can't just make it happen. I don't have any answers for you MsLady, just letting you know I know exactly what you mean. It's hard to work on the other aspects of your relationship when that spark that started it just isn't there, and never was. When I picture the 2 of us after the kids are moved out and gone, I don't see 2 people snuggling on the couch or holding hands walking on the beach... I see roommates. Can I live with that? For me it's one of many, many issues, but a very big one for me. Good luck, I hope you find the answer you need!


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## MsLady (Dec 1, 2008)

Junebug, your post is very touching because it's so much what I'm going through. I, too, wonder what will be left down the road when there's already so little there. In all truth, I not only NOT crave the snuggles and kisses, but I cringe (I try not to show it) becuase it's like my brother trying to make-out with me or something. Another thing I've realized throughout the years is that, because my mother was treated so poorly in her marriage and in many ways unloved herself, I was so focused on finding someone that would love me, that I forgot I had to love THEM too. Sounds warped and it's hard to explain, but it took me a few years of marriage before I had that epiphany.


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## aqua (Dec 26, 2008)

mslady, I just began seeking out a forum like this because of similar feelings. I could have written your post almost word for word. A few differences make me desperate to find others in my situation to talk to.

I am the breadwinner of my family. I get up and go to a job that I have hated for several years so that my husband can follow his dream (TMI). He does not have a steady job. He is a good man, a good father that played the stay-at-home-dad while the kids were young. He cooks and cleans and does whatever needs to be done around the house. Now the kids are grown and there is no reason why he cannot go out and find a job (in my mind).

I resent that all of the financial responsibility falls on me and that I am trapped in a situation where I cannot relax for a while and let him support the family. It worked out alright in the beginning, (although I wanted to be the one to stay home with the kids) but now it's years later and I am bitter and resentful. I would like to look for a different job, but how to do that since I have to cover the bills, insurance, etc.

Also different is that I was attracted to him when we first met and married, however the many years of role reversal has taken its toll on me and our sex life. I have no desire for him sexually and when he approaches me, I cringe because, like you, it feels unnatural and incestuous. 

In his defense, he does look for work all of the time, but his line of business is very sporadic and luck-driven. We have isolated ourselves from each other and are just roommates raising the kids. My problem is that I don't even know if i really WANT to make it better. I feel so unhappy and drained and tired of being the "husband". 

Anyway, you are not alone in your feelings and guilt. I have the same guilt. Why can't I just live with it and be happy about it? So many people have it worse off. I envy my single friends. I made my bed... now I have to lie in it. Yes, divorce has crossed my mind, but how would he survive? Would I have to pay him alimony? We can barely afford one household on my salary; how two? The kids would be devastated. Sigh.
aqua


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## Wyst (Dec 27, 2008)

Hmm - too many stories read like mine.

So - time to start writing the survival guide, I guess. 

My own experience is that I have good days and bad days. PMS was a biatch until I got a doc to put me back on a low dose contraceptive which certainly seems to be helping. Until then I would have a week or more every month where I felt as if I just wanted someone to stop the world so I could get off.

Some of the intimacy we need is the social variety. Finding people we can communicate with about things that we enjoy is helpful. It's been one of my strategies for a while now, but it's taking me a long slow time to re-establish a decent network of friends since we moved to Australia from South Africa a couple of years ago.

There is that matter of acceptance that needs to be addressed over and over. Some days it's easier to accept the status quo than others. I let myself cry in the car driving to work if I need to. I am aware of the toll over-tiredness takes on my emotional capacity to continue. And, I remind myself why I am choosing to live with the status quo as it is. Much though I would love to have someone who is an intimate and equal partner, I could not live with myself if I caused untold pain and damage to my sons.

More than one person has mentioned guilt here - guilt over not feeling "grateful" for not having what you need and want. Ditch the guilt. We make decisions as we see best at the time. We try to make right decisions, moral decisions, decision that don't hurt others, and end up hurting ourselves and potentially causing more hurt to others around us than we ever imagined. It's frightening. But, we didn't know then what we know now. We have grown, know ourselves better now. The past can't be altered. We need to forgive ourselves for our limitations as they were then, and our limitations as they are now - or perhaps give ourselves permission to rage about it, smash a few plates, and then forgive ourselves. It's not a once off thing - it's a many times revisited thing.

Things that I focus on a lot are meaning and values. I'm not sure if they are interchangeable but they are very closely related. if I cannot have everything I want for myself, can I at least make what I am doing meaningful for me?

All of you who read this, who are in relationships where you don't love your spouses or never have, where sexual intimacy makes you cringe, and where your choices are governed by doing as little harm as you can possibly manage and survive, I salute you. You are strong and very courageous. And remember, the kids will grow up and things can change - even if we have no idea how they will change.

I want to hear what others do to survive too.


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