# Getting married but the bed is dead



## marriageconfusion (Nov 27, 2011)

Hi,

I'm 38, never been married and about to tie the knot. My girl is awesome! She's my best friend in ways I could never describe about any other girl from my past, which is why I asked her to marry me. We have our share of disagreements, arguments, differences and I'm fine with it all, except one. She has gained weight since we met, and it's truly affected our sex life. I feel pretty shallow, letting this bother me so much, but I want to look at my future wife and think she's sexy. I want to want her and I think it's important, but right now I just don't want to have sex with her because I don't find her physically attractive. 

I don't know what to do, because I love the hell out of her, but the thought of her just getting bigger and me becoming less and less interested in her sexually is terrible. Yet, I'm probably going to go through with the marriage, because she's my girl, I love her and I'm starting to convince myself sexual attraction isn't important in the long term...

Any advice??? Thank you!!!
Mike


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Keep this forum in your favorites...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Well, it won't get any better if this is how you feel.

She may not lose weight...which means you will never want to have sex with her. You will have a sexless marriage, and a wife who resents you for not wanting sex and you'll resent her for not losing weight. Not a good recipe for a happy marriage.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You need to talk to her about this stat. A piece of paper isn't going to make this problem go away.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

PBear said:


> Keep this forum in your favorites...
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Lol yeah you're gonna need it.

Sexual attraction long term is a must have.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CtK (Nov 27, 2011)

Maybe it's not even the weight. Might it be that you've become sexually disinterested/bored after being together so long? My gf has lost weight, but either way the sex life isn't there for a lot of reasons.


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## misticli (Oct 28, 2011)

CtK said:


> Maybe it's not even the weight. Might it be that you've become sexually disinterested/bored after being together so long? My gf has lost weight, but either way the sex life isn't there for a lot of reasons.



I am hoping this is the case. My husband is a lot bigger than me, and for a while the weight did put me off. However he is amazing at pleasing me in bed and his masculinity and desire to please me more than make up for it.

Having a weigh conversation with a women is a difficult conversation. Just so we can get a perspective, are we talking like 15lbs overweight or like 80lbs overweight? I agree radical changes can be alot more difficult, but I do think some people are shallow who cannot look beyond a 15lbs weight gain.


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## Why Not Be Happy? (Apr 16, 2010)

I agree with the others-----deal with it now or it will be a serious issue later!


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

Don't marry until this is resolved. Your fiancee deserves to marry a man who WANTS her, not just who loves her. 

I gained weight between when I got engaged and when we got married (from having major abdominal surgery) and my husband wanted me more every day. I still haven't lost all the weight I gained (it was about 15 lbs) although I am working on it now. If I felt that he was not attracted to me because of it, I would be devastated. Absolutely shattered. Every woman deserves a husband who adores her at any size.


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

I married my best friend and I didn't think her weight was an issue. Now she is losing some weight and all of the other small issues are amplified. We have over 19 years together. I would wait if I were you.


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## brendan (Jun 1, 2011)

good luck. my wife has put on 25 k.g since i met her. 6 years ago.
I have put on like 2k.g and she says i have let myself go.

???????

women can be strange


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## jezza (Jan 12, 2011)

Don't do it.
In so many marriages the initial sexual F I R E diminishes to a little flicker over time.

If it is already a flicker, and you're not even married.... you're doomed.

Don't do it.


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## 67flh (Sep 26, 2011)

buddy, put the breaks on your marriage plans until you get these problems under control....or as someone else said, keep this forum as one of your favorites...


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

The other posters are correct. Even if you have put a lot of money into the wedding it will still be less messy if you back out now than getting a divorce 2 years from now because she felt neglected and cheated on you or you don't want from her so you cheat on her.
Get this resolved now. Not tommorow, not after you are married, NOW.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

uphillbattle said:


> The other posters are correct. Even if you have put a lot of money into the wedding it will still be less messy if you back out now than getting a divorce 2 years from now because she felt neglected and cheated on you or you don't want from her so you cheat on her.
> Get this resolved now. Not tommorow, not after you are married, NOW.


I agree with all advice given here. Keep in mind that most of these folks have been married a LONG time, and some wish they would have waited. I think it's ok to marry "your best friend" AS LONG AS you are attracted to that person on ALL levels. If something is missing now, it's only going to get worse after you walk down the aisle and sign that marriage license. Then, and only then, will you look back (at some point down the road) and think "WTF have I done? I went into this NOT being sexually attracted to this person. Am I a complete idiot?" And the answer is "YES"!!! 

I'm not sure how old your potential future wife is, but the older women *and men* get, the more weight we put on. That is just the way it is. Look at her mother; is she overweight? If you want to know what your wife will look like when she is older, look at her mother.  **From the words of Gaylord Focker: * "I'm a lookin', and I'm a likin'"! *If you can't think/say that, then you might want to think again about what you're about to do to your future.**

Good luck to you. If you are sexless now, you'll be sexless forever if you marry this one.

This is why I did not marry my best friend. I don't think SHE would have wanted to marry me either. We like men too much! :rofl:


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

To me the wider question isn't one of attraction or desire it's how in the hell can anyone simply gain 50 or 60 lbs? How does that happen?


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## TallJeff (Nov 1, 2011)

Think about it this way too:

You think YOU are doing HER a favor by going through with the wedding.

But you're essentially committing to sex when you marry.

What if you stop having sex because you lose interest? You're CHEATING her. You are not fulfilling your commitment of monogamy (which is to have sex with ONE person -- not just saying you won't have sex outside the marriage).

So you are going into this marriage knowing you may not fulfill one of your roles, that of a loving sexual partner, to your wife.

You can have one awful discussion with her now. Or you can imagine her being resentful of you and coming on here to post for the life of your marriage because her husband "has a low libido".

And also do you think you can live without sex? Two years in don't you think you'll be putting yourself at risk to cheat?

This is hard, but man up and do the right thing. Which starts with a conversation. And should include "I want you to be healthy. Let's start doing <whatever> together so we both stay healthy."

Don't tell her what she needs to do. Offer to do it with her. It'll be good for you both.

But you also need to be prepared for the consequences.


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## CalifGuy (Nov 2, 2011)

Mike, I would put the wedding on hold, indefinitely.

Speaking from experience, I can say that my ex-wife's weight gain was the #1 reason why the marriage failed. Her weight gain was not only bad for her, but it ended up being toxic for me as she was very resentful not only anytime I would expect her to exercise (often inviting her to go to the gym with me or even just walk the dogs with me) but she was also resentful when I would exercise.

Bottom line, when she and I met, she was 160 pounds (on 5'3" frame) would drop to 120 pounds and be super hot for maybe a year, but then following the marriage, would balloon all the way to 230 pounds. All of my pleas fell on deaf ears, as did even an actual intervention by her own mom and aunts who were concerned about her weight and appearance.

It was a shame as she, too, was my best friend, and while we really connected on so many different levels, the physical attraction was completely missing and while we would have sex maybe once a week towards the end, unfortunately, I had to look outside my marriage for much of it to have my sexual needs met.

Now, remarried, my wife (#2) and I have run numerous marathons together and while she is still not as active as I would like, she is a million times more active than my ex wife and, as a result, I have never cheated on my wife. I mean it is like night and day. My first wife and I couldn't ever go to the beach or a tropical holiday together while my wife and I have taken these very such trips as well as non tropical vacations to exotic places.

As far as the likelihood that your fiancee will lose weight and keep it off, I say FAT CHANCE. ;-)

If you proceed with the wedding, well, you ignored all the warning signs and I'll tell you that it is a lot messier to get a divorce than it is to break up with someone who is not legally married to you. It would be fine if you were attracted to her and ok with her weight but you are not, so it is unfair to both of you to get married.


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## CalifGuy (Nov 2, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> To me the wider question isn't one of attraction or desire it's how in the hell can anyone simply gain 50 or 60 lbs? How does that happen?


It's a lot easier than you think. When I met my first wife, I was a super fit 175 pounds while she was out of shape but not morbidly obese.

Eventually, with my help, she got down to 120 pounds.

Flash forward a decade, and I ballooned to 270 pounds while she ballooned to 230 pounds. Her will won out over my will and she absolutely refused to exercise or eat right. She "hated" water and instead would drink way too much juice and regular soda and her favorite lunch was a Big Mac from McDonalds.

I was doomed as long as I was with her and finally left her almost 5 years ago. During the marriage, early on, I somehow managed to run three marathons (26.2 miles) but then gained more weight than ever.

I am now down to under 215 pounds but nowhere near that 175 I was at 18 years ago when I met my first wife. I am remarried to a woman who is a lot more active than my ex wife and who has run numerous marathons with me.

But, to gain 50 or 60 pounds really does not take a lot...I know that I would probably be 300+ pounds as my brother is, if I did not lead an active lifestyle as opposed to his sedentary lifestyle.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> To me the wider question isn't one of attraction or desire it's how in the hell can anyone simply gain 50 or 60 lbs? How does that happen?


Babies, depression, medication, medical issues, eating too much, junk food, no self control.

It's quite easy.

Each of my pregnancies put 50 pounds on my body. I lost the weight within the 2 years afterwards, but holy crap. I didn't even go crazy during pregnancy.

Which is why I was done having babies. Didn't want to get fat again. Selfish but oh well.


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## TallJeff (Nov 1, 2011)

that_girl said:


> Which is why I was done having babies. Didn't want to get fat again. Selfish but oh well.


That's not selfish at all.

In fact taking good care of yourself is the best way to ensure you can take good care of your children.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Fall in love with her character. The sexiest model is only one car crash from looking pretty hideous and the same goes for yourself. No matter what we look like at the alter, we all change in appearance. None of us are going to stop traffic at 80 but if we're blessed, we'll still be someone's sweetheart.


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## SolidSnake (Dec 6, 2011)

Hello,

Have you spoken to her about it? There must be a tactful, loving, and supportive way to bring it up. Are you active yourself? Maybe ask her if she wants to work out with you to get in shape for the wedding or something. 

Contrary to popular belief, I think its not really that hard to stay the same weight if you consistently eat right. You have to seriously commit to that lifestyle though. I rarely exercise and have stayed the same weight (120) for 7 years. I used to be 150 before that, but once I permanently changed my diet, I never gained any weight back. Most people in our society eat total junk/ the standard American diet. So I can see why its a problem for them as they refuse to change or do what they need to do. 

I understand that this could become a long term issue for your relationship though, so you need to find a long term solution. It helps if one of you is serious about healthy eating or you both can get into some sort of recreational activity that gets you active. Sometimes one partner can get the other one to follow suite. But there is no guarantee anything will work.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

that_girl said:


> Babies, depression, medication, medical issues, eating too much, junk food, no self control.
> 
> It's quite easy.
> 
> ...


I understand the mechanics. My question was what goes through your head when you look at yourself. Do you wake up one day astonished you've gone full Sumo?


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> None of us are going to stop traffic at 80


I will. I'm going to walk in front of a car.


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## newbeelishas (Dec 7, 2011)

When I first met my husband he was heavier than I liked but I lived his heart. I motivated him to lose weight. We started of by making a bet like whoever lost 10lbs first got something. I also started taking walks with him as part of our couples activities. The more weight he lost the more motivated he got. So I think the key is to do it with her. My husband lost 85lbs total and he is so sexy and was so worth it. Since we got married I've gained 25lbs and he didn't so now he is doing the same thing with me. He got me off the couch and we signed up for a 5k. It's a lot easier when you have a work out partner than when you don't.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Darkhorse (Dec 3, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> I will. I'm going to walk in front of a car.


:rofl::rofl::rofl:


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