# Sorry to 'invade' the men's clubhouse..need advice



## Christine11 (Sep 13, 2010)

Hello,

Sorry to invade your clubhouse but I really would like some advice from men. My husband and I have had problems for years now. I am just not sure if I am really the person he loves (including all my faults) or if he just loves the idea of having a decent looking wife (tall, well proportioned, decent looking). 

He always has done nice things for me like ironing my shirts, make me lunch etc., however, I feel I am missing the 'mental connection.' His love language is 'acts of service.' I like to feel emotionally connected. If I feel that then it doesn't bother me if he looks at other women, talks about how pretty other women are etc., however, I don't feel like he wants to share stuff with me. I believe he would be happy if I fulfill his need for acts of service but that's not enough for me. I need to feel connected.

I know I have slacked in measuring up to what he considers my fair share of doing things, but we have different opinions on what should be done when. He likes it done 'right now' and if it's not done on his schedule he gets mad. I am a little more lax that way. I can live with his thinking on that but I don't feel he accepts my way (I have tried to do more household stuff because I know he likes that).

He says if he doesn't share stuff with me its because he didn't think it was important, however, he gets upset when I don't share stuff (he says I am playing 'tit for tat'). What gives?
I realize guys don't like to talk about their feelings but I feel I am starved for real attention from him.

The bad part is that because I was a less than a good wife for the last few years (didn't give me the acts of service he needs to be happy) last year he started talking to another woman through e-mail and phone. When I confronted him he immediately stopped and made a great effort in regards to our relationship. I also changed and gave him more of what he needed (acts of service: household stuff, affection). 

I just don't know if I can regain the trust that I lost in him after that. What can I do? I am the one who starts the fights but I feel I am doing that to get some kind of reaction from him because I feel I am so disconnected from him. Any advice or input?


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

What can you do? Isn't he telling you? You know what's important to him. You might not agree with his ideas, but you can't say you don't know. If he's important to you, then you'll make it a priority to take care of things that are important to him. Likewise, if he values you, he'll make an effort to do things you want. My wife is not interested at all in romance. To her, love is expressed through chores. Not my idea of romance, but I understand it's hers, so I work like a hired hand, not cause I dig it, but because I love her and that's the language she understands. When I was in Iraq, I had to talk to the locals in ways they understood if I wished to communicate. If I want to communicate effectively with my horse, I have to do so in ways a horse understands. He should make the same effort to communicate with you.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Sounds like the affair was a "wake up call" for you- and while I think that he may have initiated it just to get your attention, I also think that it was a little underhanded of him to go about it that way.
I think you two need to go to counseling-there may be some deep issues here, what with his "tit-for-tat" stuff and being a bit of a doormat for you. I was in the same spot myself: be a kind, generous, helpful husband and treat wife like a queen, then sit back and reap the rewards.

WRONG!!!!

It took good old-fashioned communication to get out of the doldrums, and this is where counseling will help.


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## Christine11 (Sep 13, 2010)

Thanks guys for your honest opinion. You are right it was a real 'wake up call.' I know it wasn't a physical affair but he told me that because nothing he did was right and he couldn't talk to me that he needed to talk to somebody. 

That was a hard pill to swollow but I understood it. It made sense. I do believe he loves me. I took stuff for granted and I know now how important the acts of service are to him. I am making an effort to do more of the things that are important to him, it's just hard to do things without getting much emotional support back. Especially since the trust is gone.

I wish he would give me the emotional support I need right now, but I understand now that he shows his love through acts of service.


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## Christine11 (Sep 13, 2010)

Do you think because he doesn't do things I let him know that I would like (I would love for him to give me a hug some time-out of the blue or initiate holding my hand in public) he is capable of showing his love through my love language and not his love language?


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

If you haven't bought the book, buy the book and read it together. This could tremendously help you both with understanding each other and making some changes. Amazon.com: The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts (9780802473158): Gary Chapman: Books: Reviews, Prices & more

Here is a thread I started on this whole subject, even some tests you can take to pin point your primary Love language : 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...-languages-how-does-affect-your-marraige.html


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Not sure I understood your last question but, in general, unless he's a complete dunce, he is capable of learning, if he wants to learn. We all are. This is about communication and that requires feedback. Nobody continues to send messages unless they get appropriate feedback. When he does something you like, especially when it's obviously out of character for him, let him know you recognize and appreciate it. Even better, respond with something he likes. Rewarded behavior will be repeated. Until he gets the idea, you might have to take his hand in public and reward him for not letting go. Point is, he's your dude and he doesn't have to go anywhere to get anything because you're more than capable of taking care of whatever. You know him better than anyone and love him more than anyone. Take care of him and he'll be grabbing your hand and probably every other body part


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## Christine11 (Sep 13, 2010)

Tanks again for replying. I did listen to the audio CD of the 5 Love Languages which made me understand his needs better. Unbelievable, I am already doing these things that he likes but I feel he only recipocates with stuff he would like (like the chores, acts of service). I was never very affectionate and I already changed and have taken his hand in public and held it etc. What gets me is how he always says that he is more affectionate than me but I have never seen that.

I guess I was wondering if he would be able to do things that are important to me. Ironing my shirts, making my lunch are all great things and I really appreciate them (which I tell him all the time) but are not truly what I need and I told him that. My love language is NOT acts of service. Still he does the same thing. I feel he doesn't really listen to what my needs are. I am trying hard to fulfill his needs and thats why it is so frustrating. Does that make sense to you?


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

As screwy as this might sound, did you actually read any of the emails he exchanged with this OW? If you did, it might give you a clue as to what he was getting from her (and, logically, what he apparently didn't think he was getting at home). I don't think a reasonably intelligent man would risk losing his home, family, etc unless he were getting an important pay-off. You'd probably have no way of knowing the content of their phone calls. Before you two were married, you dated and he apparently found you pretty interesting. I'm gonna guess you got his attention back then in ways other than ironing clothes. You probably spent hours talking and doing things together. By now, you're more interesting and so is he. Maybe what's missing is "dating". It's easy for life to get in the way of romance and couples to act like roommates instead of lovers. Maybe a regularly scheduled date night? You know, no TV, no distractions, just a couple hours a week where you're both sort of forced to focus entirely on each other, connecting, and having fun. My wife and I don't have a regularly scheduled thing but we do go on motorcycle rides. Hard to ignore someone when they are sitting directly behind you on a bike for hours. It gives us something to do together that doesn't involve anyone else, no phones, no chores, just riding around, experiencing new things together. Our marriage is far from perfect, but we both look forward to our rides.


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## Christine11 (Sep 13, 2010)

Thanks unbelievable. Yes, I did read some of the e-mails. He talked personal stuff with her like how the kids are etc. The only time he really wrote something sexual was when he wrote 'guess what I am wearing? I am naked.' However, he also mentioned me in his e-mail because the other woman wrote back that it was great that he liked me that much (there is a lot more to this, nobody knows that we are married, we both kept it that way because we work for the same company and its very 'gossipy' there and this other woman also works there). I don't understand why he would talk about the nakedness but then also talks about how much he likes me? As a man, can you shed some light on this? Has it to do with wanting to feel admired and wanted?

We are working out together (just started last year, before that he always went alone because I didn't like to go work out with other people around, liked to do it at home) and we go to church together (never was a church goer until I started last year). I also try to plan 'evenings together' once in a while. 

Unbelievable, do you think I have to set my needs aside to fulfill his which then in essence will make him want to cater to me more?


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

It is a big problem Christine. Both the spouses in a marriage can be doing all that they can to demonstrate their love for the other. And yet the other spouse doesn’t “feel” loved. Each loves the other in their own way but neither actually feel loved. Each are “in love” with the other but still the other doesn’t feel loved. And that can get quite desperate at times, our need to “feel loved”. If we don’t have that feeling of feeling loved it can make us feel insecure in our marriage because we wonder what our value is.

I couldn’t see love in my wife’s parents and she’d say “they love each other in their own way”.

Personally I think it essential in these circumstances for both partners to step up to the mark. Both need to understand what they need to do in order for the other to feel their love. It’s no good just you doing it for example, your husband has to step up to the mark as well.

And adopting new “love messages” can feel amazingly awkward and come out clumsy and unauthentic at first. But with practice, good responses and encouragement we get better at it over time. Even if we make the effort it is truly appreciated.

While all this is going on it is good to sit down and count our blessings about what our partner in life does bring to us.

Bob


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## Christine11 (Sep 13, 2010)

Thanks AFEH. I don't mind putting a lot of effort into this relationship, god knows I have slacked before and taken him for granted but it's hard when the effort I put forth doesn't seem to get the encouragement I need.

Let me explain, I was never very affectionate. That being said since I now know that he likes it I have made (at least in my eyes) a tremendous effort to be more affectionate (initiating holding hands, hugs, kisses, snuggling up etc.) I am pretty sure he likes it but he says that my affection doesn't always feel real. Well, I can see how that might come across like that since I am new to this show of emotions, but please, can't he give me some leadway here? After all, for all my life I have not been very outwardly affectionate, I am really trying here and I wish he would at least give me the encouragement to keep doing it (you know initiate holding my hand too etc.)

I know that in his way he is trying but sometimes I feel he is only doing what he has always done (taking care of household chores etc.). He has not gone out of his comfort zone to listen and respond to my needs. 

Well, maybe I am expecting too much. Maybe I will either have to live with him not responding to my needs and his thinking that doing things around the house is good enough or let it go. I have relayed to him many times what my needs are and he still doesn't seem to get it. Sigh, I hope I didn't sound selfish. I could live with a couple of my needs being met, it doesn't even have to be all of them, just a couple... 

Thanks for listening...


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Can be really difficult these things. My wife’s family never showed any outwards signs of affection, not ones I understood anyway but the affection was certainly there.

Change doesn’t happen overnight. Why not sit down with your husband and write out a six month plan with to-dos at whatever frequency you both feel appropriate. Then put those in Outlook calendar or somewhere so you both get a reminder of what to do, what’s important to the two of you. In the hustle and bustle of life we can literally forget what we’ve committed to if it doesn’t come naturally without a reminder and new habits take a while to create.

Bob


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