# Unsure of how best to support wife after rape



## Ray Smith (Sep 26, 2020)

My wife's work involves a lot of international travel. After one trip a couple of years ago to a middle east country, she came back noticeably subdued. She also lost any interest in the physical side of our marriage. But recently, she finally told me part of the story. 

She was woken by the sound of someone in her hotel room - unfortunately it wasn't a robbery. As he undressed, she decided the best way to avoid being hurt was just to cooperate. He spent the night with her. She went to see our doctor as soon as she got home. At the time she told me she might have picked up a bug - now I know it was a check for STDs and a pregnancy test, both of which thankfully turned out negative. 

I'm now unsure how best to handle it. It's taken her this long to tell me in not so many words that, not only had she been repeatedly raped that night, she'd had to pretend to be willing throughout for her own safety. (She hasn't even been able to say the word "rape" - it's just been the euphemism "I cooperated with him". Other than the obvious act of intercourse, I shudder to think what else "cooperation" might have entailed.) I don't want to push her on the subject in case it's still too difficult for her to talk about it (and I certainly don't want her to think I'm making it about me), but neither do I want to avoid it in case it might look like disinterest. I really don't know how best to take things from here.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Damn... well, you two do need some professional assistance on this one as this is quite serious.

I'm not a therapist, but from what I had learnt from past partners and friends who were raped, it could be likely she's also convincing herself that she was cooperating to psychologically take back the control that she had lost due to the trauma. It's not uncommon, that's the first thing they lose and what they need to take back to recover.


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## Ray Smith (Sep 26, 2020)

RandomDude said:


> Damn... well, you two do need some professional assistance on this one as this is quite serious.
> 
> I'm not a therapist, but from what I had learnt from past partners and friends who were raped, it could be likely she's also convincing herself that she was cooperating to psychologically take back the control that she had lost due to the trauma. It's not uncommon, that's the first thing they lose and what they need to take back to recover.


Thanks for the reply. I'd assumed her reticence in talking about it was that she didn't want to relive it. But it occurred to me as I was typing my post that perhaps the difficulty is specifically telling the details to me. Especially if, as you say, her cooperation was also about making it feel like she had some control over the situation. While I fully understand that she had to do whatever she had to do with him, maybe she thinks describing sexual activity that could sound like the behaviour of two willing people might cause me to think badly of her. It could very well be easier for her to talk to a therapist and tell the details to a stranger.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Ray Smith said:


> My wife's work involves a lot of international travel. After one trip a couple of years ago to a middle east country, she came back noticeably subdued. She also lost any interest in the physical side of our marriage. But recently, she finally told me part of the story.
> 
> She was woken by the sound of someone in her hotel room - unfortunately it wasn't a robbery. As he undressed, she decided the best way to avoid being hurt was just to cooperate. He spent the night with her. She went to see our doctor as soon as she got home. At the time she told me she might have picked up a bug - now I know it was a check for STDs and a pregnancy test, both of which thankfully turned out negative.
> 
> I'm now unsure how best to handle it. It's taken her this long to tell me in not so many words that, not only had she been repeatedly raped that night, she'd had to pretend to be willing throughout for her own safety. (She hasn't even been able to say the word "rape" - it's just been the euphemism "I cooperated with him". Other than the obvious act of intercourse, I shudder to think what else "cooperation" might have entailed.) I don't want to push her on the subject in case it's still too difficult for her to talk about it (and I certainly don't want her to think I'm making it about me), but neither do I want to avoid it in case it might look like disinterest. I really don't know how best to take things from here.


Professional help yesterday.

She is not well and hasn't been for a couple years.

This brings up way too many questions to count. Did she still travel afterwards? To the same place? How did this affect her decision making abilities which have obviously been compromised do to some form of mental trauma no doubt?

Since she withheld this from you, did she tell anyone else? Report it to any authorities, the hotel, her job?

I hope she can get healthy again but she absolutely isn't and hasn't been for years.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

What happened to your wife and the way she handled it are common, and she did the best thing for her survival. So first of all, be glad she had the instinct to get through it and survive by not aggravating the guy. 

Just be sure your attitude is that she did everything right because she's still here to talk about it, and then be sure she gets into victim counseling. There are victim hotlines she could try and there may be groups online, even. A psychologist would be good. I'd start with calling the police station and asking if they have a referral for a rape counselor. They always have some resource to refer. 

So sorry this happened to her. She used her wits and got through it. Now be sure she gets through it emotionally. Everything may appear to be fine but things are brewing inside her that will change her one way or the other.


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## Ray Smith (Sep 26, 2020)

ConanHub said:


> Professional help yesterday.
> 
> She is not well and hasn't been for a couple years.
> 
> ...


She told no-one. She even continued with her business meeting the next day before flying home - I have no idea how she pulled herself together to do that. She has always been very confident, particularly in her work role - so I'm guessing (and it is guesswork on my part, though I'd be surprised if I'm too far off the mark) she didn't want friends and colleagues to have the picture in their mind of her having to submit to a rapist. What RandomDude said earlier also rings true - cooperation would be as much about her wanting to feel in control as it would about trying to ensure her safety. But maybe she felt that would have worked against her in court as any specific details of intimate actions during intercourse, e.g. kissing, along with the complete absence of any physical injuries, could have been spun by the defence as a willing one night stand, with the rape accusation being a case of morning-after remorse. 

She has travelled since, but not back to that country yet.


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

Ray Smith said:


> My wife's work involves a lot of international travel. After one trip a couple of years ago to a middle east country, she came back noticeably subdued. She also lost any interest in the physical side of our marriage. But recently, she finally told me part of the story.
> 
> She was woken by the sound of someone in her hotel room - unfortunately it wasn't a robbery. As he undressed, she decided the best way to avoid being hurt was just to cooperate. He spent the night with her. She went to see our doctor as soon as she got home. At the time she told me she might have picked up a bug - now I know it was a check for STDs and a pregnancy test, both of which thankfully turned out negative.
> 
> I'm now unsure how best to handle it. It's taken her this long to tell me in not so many words that, not only had she been repeatedly raped that night, she'd had to pretend to be willing throughout for her own safety. (She hasn't even been able to say the word "rape" - it's just been the euphemism "I cooperated with him". Other than the obvious act of intercourse, I shudder to think what else "cooperation" might have entailed.) I don't want to push her on the subject in case it's still too difficult for her to talk about it (and I certainly don't want her to think I'm making it about me), but neither do I want to avoid it in case it might look like disinterest. I really don't know how best to take things from here.


I have no idea.
I do not think I'd be ok with her keeping that from me for 2 years. That would be a marriage breach.
He basically stole your marriage. Your sex life is ruined, she isn't the same, you two are forever affected, another man had your wife.
It wasn't her choice but the biology of what happened is still the same. Just like a murderer takes a loved one from you....the love one did not choose that, they were stolen. A rape steals your marriage bond from you. She didn't choose to be with another man but he stole her. I am not an expert but I've read lots of stories of sex dying because the woman no longer can or wants to have sex, everything between the two has been altered and taken. Many divorce. You know a man was intimate with your wife.
She hid it from her husband 2 years.

I do not know what to tell you. Like I said, in a way he stole your wife, stole your marriage, stole your intimacy, exclusiveness and bond.
You may have to treat it like a murder. Your marriage was murdered.

I am not sure many marriages come back from this so I do not have a positive outlook for you.
This could be the end.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

hinterdir said:


> I have no idea.
> I do not think I'd be ok with her keeping that from me for 2 years. That would be a marriage breach.
> He basically stole your marriage. Your sex life is ruined, she isn't the same, you two are forever affected, another man had your wife.
> It wasn't her choice but the biology of what happened is still the same. Just like a murderer takes a loved one from you....the love one did not choose that, they were stolen. A rape steals your marriage bond from you. She didn't choose to be with another man but he stole her. I am not an expert but I've read lots of stories of sex dying because the woman no longer can or wants to have sex, everything between the two has been altered and taken. Many divorce. You know a man was intimate with your wife.
> ...


@Ray Smith, Don't listen to this crap.


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## JustTheWife (Nov 1, 2017)

Ray Smith said:


> She told no-one. She even continued with her business meeting the next day before flying home - I have no idea how she pulled herself together to do that. She has always been very confident, particularly in her work role - so I'm guessing (and it is guesswork on my part, though I'd be surprised if I'm too far off the mark) she didn't want friends and colleagues to have the picture in their mind of her having to submit to a rapist. What RandomDude said earlier also rings true - cooperation would be as much about her wanting to feel in control as it would about trying to ensure her safety. But maybe she felt that would have worked against her in court as any specific details of intimate actions during intercourse, e.g. kissing, along with the complete absence of any physical injuries, could have been spun by the defence as a willing one night stand, with the rape accusation being a case of morning-after remorse.
> 
> She has travelled since, but not back to that country yet.


This is a very difficult topic. Sometimes women do pragmatic things to get by. I've been there.

I'm not saying this is the case with your wife but I've had to "avoid getting raped" by just cooperating and yes consenting. So if you cooperate/consent, you avoid getting raped. You're not a rape victim. You stay in control and your life goes on (so you think). You're still a woman. You've avoided being a rape victim. You might not be proud of what you did but you've avoided "getting raped". You have a split second to decide what to do. Women generally don't want to be raped so when you're in that situation, cooperating/consenting is the easiest way to avoid "being raped". I hope nobody misunderstands - i'm not at all saying women should just consent/cooperate to avoid "getting raped" but it's part of the options that go through your head. Not everyone has fighting in them. Maybe it's not the "right time" to become a rape victim (and have your whole life turned upside down). Maybe it's not the right time to fight back. We women all hear the hero stories of fighting back. You're supposed to fight back. It's "shameful" not to fight back.

I don't expect everyone to understand. But just understand that sometimes it comes down to "do I want to be a rape victim tonight?". It's a split second decision and one that you will live with forever. But you know what's happened to you and although you've avoided your life being turned upside down by instantly becoming a rape victim - the "rape kit" (gotta love that), the police, the legal process, explaining to all your friends, time off from work or school, telling your parents, or your boyfriend or your husband. Your life in someone else's hands. The act has stolen your control from you and then you get into a process where everyone is telling you what to do and when to do it. So you choose not to be a rape victim as it's happening. So you just "have sex". You can then keep it in. Keep it to yourself. Tell a friend when you want to and when you're ready to. But you can't avoid it. It catches up with you.

All power to my sisters who made the decision not to "become a rape victim". but who are now living with it forever as it's never erased. 🙏💔


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## JustTheWife (Nov 1, 2017)

hinterdir said:


> I have no idea.
> I do not think I'd be ok with her keeping that from me for 2 years. That would be a marriage breach.
> He basically stole your marriage. Your sex life is ruined, she isn't the same, you two are forever affected, another man had your wife.
> It wasn't her choice but the biology of what happened is still the same. Just like a murderer takes a loved one from you....the love one did not choose that, they were stolen. A rape steals your marriage bond from you. She didn't choose to be with another man but he stole her. I am not an expert but I've read lots of stories of sex dying because the woman no longer can or wants to have sex, everything between the two has been altered and taken. Many divorce. You know a man was intimate with your wife.
> ...


Rape as a crime against the man (the victim's husband or her father) --- not against the woman. What century are you living in? What culture are you living in?


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## Ray Smith (Sep 26, 2020)

DownByTheRiver said:


> What happened to your wife and the way she handled it are common, and she did the best thing for her survival. So first of all, be glad she had the instinct to get through it and survive by not aggravating the guy.
> 
> Just be sure your attitude is that she did everything right because she's still here to talk about it, and then be sure she gets into victim counseling. There are victim hotlines she could try and there may be groups online, even. A psychologist would be good. I'd start with calling the police station and asking if they have a referral for a rape counselor. They always have some resource to refer.
> 
> So sorry this happened to her. She used her wits and got through it. Now be sure she gets through it emotionally. Everything may appear to be fine but things are brewing inside her that will change her one way or the other.


Even though I was initially shocked at the fact of her rape, I'm actually hugely impressed and extremely proud of her that she had the intelligence and self-control to act this way while having to endure sex with this animal. I just need to make her aware of that.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Yes. I'm glad. Just tell her you're proud of her for (what you said up there) and you want her to also get some victims counseling to better cope with it going forward. Get it all out and deal with it that way.

Just so you know, there's several different types of rapists and at least one type does like to pretend it's consensual and act like everything is normal afterwards. Some like to pretend to be their boyfriend. Others like to think they conquered and turned her around or whatever. Some are just sadistic. Many are power-driven. 

I'm sure she thought if she just did it, he'd leave, but the bad thing happened, and he didn't leave and stayed and continued. The fact she survived and kept it from escalating is great, but that doesn't mean she won't have repurcussions from it. That powerless feeling that anyone can just do that stays with you. 

I was date-raped once. His personality changed as soon as he got in my door. He started running his script. I didn't even have a phone. I did the same as her, and figured he'd leave, but he didn't, but at least he didn't just keep doing it. He slept. I didn't. I worked across the street (he knew that) and as soon as it was time for the store to be open, I got up and dressed and just nonchalantly told him I had to go to work and fled. I didn't tell anyone right then that I remember. Later, when I kept crossing paths with him, I did start telling people. Back then (the 1970s) there was just no point in telling police. To this day, a lot of people don't understand rape and especially date rape.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Ray Smith said:


> Even though I was initially shocked at the fact of her rape, I'm actually hugely impressed and extremely proud of her that she had the intelligence and self-control to act this way while having to endure sex with this animal. I just need to make her aware of that.


She is very lucky to have you. I also admire your self control and ability to look forward, cherishing what you have focusing on the healing and recovery. I can see you both recovering from this as long as you continue.

Truth be told, I would have no such restraint. I would hunt him down, flay him alive and impale him on a spike ass first till the spike comes out his mouth. I would have failed her. Even reading this makes it difficult. So have pride in your restraint.

You have my respect and I wish you and your wife a full recovery.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

It happened to Mrs. C before I met her but she probably would have killed the piece of **** in his sleep if he tried what happened to your wife. She is fiery. It happened with someone she had no interest with but she didn't want to get hurt so she just went along. That part bothered her the most.

She did tell her then husband and it was in Montana so some frontier stuff ensued.

She also knows to tell me if anything happens regardless of courses we might choose.

I'm concerned for your marriage and how this impacted both of you. 

She needs immediate help and you could use some as well.

After some healing, you could both use some joint counseling.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Ray Smith said:


> Even though I was initially shocked at the fact of her rape, I'm actually hugely impressed and extremely proud of her that she had the intelligence and self-control to act this way while having to endure sex with this animal. I just need to make her aware of that.


That is something that will take a long time, if ever, for her to understand and accept. She would definitely benefit from therapy. It may be hard for her to need/accept help and scary to get it. It may make her feel more broken than she already feels. Many women go through months or years of therapy without mentioning their rape. It's a hard thing for them to talk about and admit, even with a trusted source. Something that may help her... she can write down any details she wants to share and just hand that to the therapist. Some women find that easier than speaking the words, though writing them is very hard too. It does need to be at her own pace, but you can encourage her to get some help and you can offer to help her find a therapist if she would like. Do not push it, not yet. 

You need to show through your words and actions that you are here for her and in this together. That can take a long time, so try not to get offended. Ensure her that there is nothing she can say about the rape that will turn you against her or make you stop loving or wanting her, and show that to her. She may feel like if you know the details you won't want her or won't look at her the same. That could be preventing her from speaking to you. She may "trickle" out the details to see how you handle it. And honestly, you may struggle a bit if she does talk to you but that is something you will be able to work on yourself, with a therapist. Don't push her to tell you the details but let her know that you are here and will listen. Listen... not talk unless she indicates she wants to hear your thoughts. If she does open up to you about it, just listen to her. Don't try to fix her, don't avoid the topic, don't be judgmental, don't ask any "why" questions, don't try to convince her otherwise, do not tell her not to feel or think a certain way, just listen and hold her. Don't stop being affectionate or intimate, but make sure you ask permission and read her body cues. If you suddenly pull back to respect her trauma, it could have the opposite effect because to _her _it could look like you think she's gross, etc. 

It may be a good idea for you to speak to a therapist who specializes in sexual trauma and being a secondary survivor, which is what you are now. Yes, she was the one who was raped but you will be affected as well. 

You could read the book "The Body Keeps The Score" by Bessel van der Kolk. Your wife can read it as well, when she's ready, but it may help you understand what's going on in her head. There are others as well, geared more towards her, the spouse (you), or certain issues, but that is a good one to start with. 

Your marriage is not over. Your sex life is not over. Your wife is not dead. That is the type of thinking that will make this 100x harder for your wife, and for you.


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## JustTheWife (Nov 1, 2017)

RandomDude said:


> Truth be told, I would have no such restraint. I would hunt him down, flay him alive and impale him on a spike ass first till the spike comes out his mouth. I would have failed her. Even reading this makes it difficult. So have pride in your restraint.





ConanHub said:


> It happened to Mrs. C before I met her but she probably would have killed the piece of **** in his sleep if he tried what happened to your wife.


Just want to say that when i was in this situation (more than once), i really HATED these kind of views. I know there is no harm meant but please understand how it feels to hear things like this. It's like "yeah, you did the right thing....but I would have....". and for the husband...it's like "I know you should have restraint but I (as a real man) would have....".

Very unhelpful to hear what people would have done in this situation. Believe me, we all know you're "supposed to" fight back. Perhaps men feel that they are "supposed to" go off and kill the guy.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

JustTheWife said:


> Just want to say that when i was in this situation (more than once), i really HATED these kind of views. I know there is no harm meant but please understand how it feels to hear things like this. It's like "yeah, you did the right thing....but I would have....". and for the husband...it's like "I know you should have restraint but I (as a real man) would have....".
> 
> Very unhelpful to hear what people would have done in this situation. Believe me, we all know you're "supposed to" fight back. Perhaps men feel that they are "supposed to" go off and kill the guy.


This is brought up in almost every sexual trauma type book and article I've read. It's a "normal" reaction for men to have but that doesn't mean it's the one they should be expressing.


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## JustTheWife (Nov 1, 2017)

bobert said:


> Your marriage is not over. Your sex life is not over. Your wife is not dead. That is the type of thinking that will make this 100x harder for your wife, and for you.


Agree 100%. Perhaps this is why some women (like me and the OP's wife) just chose to take it and choose not to be a "rape victim", even if they've been raped. Overnight you go from being a person - a girlfriend or wife etc to a damaged untouchable that cannot possibly be part of a good marriage after that. Just another way of shaming the victim.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

JustTheWife said:


> Just want to say that when i was in this situation (more than once), i really HATED these kind of views. I know there is no harm meant but please understand how it feels to hear things like this. It's like "yeah, you did the right thing....but I would have....". and for the husband...it's like "I know you should have restraint but I (as a real man) would have....".
> 
> Very unhelpful to hear what people would have done in this situation. Believe me, we all know you're "supposed to" fight back. Perhaps men feel that they are "supposed to" go off and kill the guy.


I'm sharing about my wife's experience and her personality is fiery. If you will notice, I did not say what his wife should or shouldn't have done aside from getting professional help right now.

Despite her hot headedness a similar situation happened with her. It actually might account for part of why she was such a spitfire when I met her and even today.

I was empathizing in my own way and sharing what happened to my wife.

Deal with it how you will and I'll do the same.

I've dealt with this **** more than you probably realize and we all have our mechanisms.

How I cope or my wife copes is our business and I wasn't inferring anything about OP's wife aside from her needing help.

There isn't one set pattern or cookie cutter way to deal with rape and sexual abuse.


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## maree (Jun 13, 2011)

hinterdir said:


> A rape steals your marriage bond from you.


No, it doesn't. Rape can be something very shameful for the victim, a lot of people who are raped keep it inside their minds for years if not eternity. This has nothing to do with the bond of marriage.

OP, I agree with the others saying your wife needs therapy. She also needs to know that you are there for her and will support her healing. I would get her into counseling specifically for victims of sexual assault so she can overcome this, as well as find connections with other victims so that she doesn't feel alone.


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

JustTheWife said:


> Rape as a crime against the man (her husband or her father) --- not against the woman. What century are you living in? What culture are you living in?


That isn't even close to what I said so your retort is moot.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

JustTheWife said:


> Just want to say that when i was in this situation (more than once), i really HATED these kind of views. I know there is no harm meant but please understand how it feels to hear things like this. It's like "yeah, you did the right thing....but I would have....". and for the husband...it's like "I know you should have restraint but I (as a real man) would have....".
> 
> Very unhelpful to hear what people would have done in this situation. Believe me, we all know you're "supposed to" fight back. Perhaps men feel that they are "supposed to" go off and kill the guy.


🤦‍♂️
That's why I said I admire his restraint and applauded it, I never said I would be a "real man" going after the guy, in fact I said I would have failed my wife, guaranteed - because I lack his restraint. Sorry, but that's the truth, and OP deserves to be applauded for making the right decision. So there's that. 

I would abandon my wife's future and mine for the sake of revenge. Would practically be consumed by it if I was in this situation. It's practically horrific.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Oh my, your poor wife. What an awful thing for her to endure and for you to now watch her try to recover from. You must feel so helpless.

She absolutely did the right thing - she did what she had to do, to survive. She should feel very proud of herself for that. I can't begin to imagine her terror at realising there was a man in her room, and what was about to happen. Trying to process that and work out how best to come out of it alive...I just can't...wow.

She's been terrified, traumatised, dehumanised and violated. I can understand why she didn't tell anyone. I can also understand how she seemed so "together" immediately after - she was likely still in survival mode, on auto pilot. This kind of trauma will take her years to come to terms with.



Ray Smith said:


> I'm actually hugely impressed and extremely proud of her that she had the intelligence and self-control to act this way while having to endure sex with this animal.


That's exactly what she needs to hear from you. It's also ok to tell her that you don't know what to say, just make sure that you make it very clear to her that you love her, and you will be by her side through this, no matter what x


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

You can see by the reaction, no one really knows how to deal with this. It's just to terrible. 

You both really need to go to get professional help. This is a very hard thing to go through for her, for you and as a couple. 

She needs to talk to someone, and you will need to work through this together as well.

Besides your wife and I don't mean at all to discount your what your wife is going through, you need to see someone too. No one every talks about the husband. Again I am not saying it is even anywhere close, but it can be very hard for him as well. It's a good idea to go just to get a sense of how to react and how to help her healing. 

All that said, very often the husband also deals with trauma and guilt. He may feel like it was his place to protect her and he didn't so he failed her in some way, even though he has no chance and may not have even been their like your circumstance. 

Also sex can be very difficult for her and even though intellectually you may know that her struggle has nothing to do with you, emotionally it can be very hard to see the pain and not feel like you are hurting her. Again this is a very very hard thing to go through. Seek help, be their for her. Try not to make her feel like she is damaged or delicate but it's OK to be outraged and sad on her behalf. It's also OK to say, what you just said. I don't know the best way to deal with this but I am here with you so we can deal with this together. NO ONE KNOWS HOW TO DEAL WITH THIS. 

Man I will say a prayer for both of you, and pray that God curses the man who did this.


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## HarbourView (Mar 20, 2020)

How did the man get into the room?
Was he some-one she knew from work, or was socialising with outside of work hours?
I can understand her not reporting a rape in the middle-east if she was in a country that would have prosecuted her for adultery.
But... I don't get why she wouldn't have told YOU straight away.
As much as you want to believe her version of events, and mindful of the fact that she is not calling it rape, there is a strong possibility it was not rape at all.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

HarbourView said:


> How did the man get into the room?
> Was he some-one she knew from work, or was socialising with outside of work hours?
> I can understand her not reporting a rape in the middle-east if she was in a country that would have prosecuted her for adultery.
> But... I don't get why she wouldn't have told YOU straight away.
> As much as you want to believe her version of events, and mindful of the fact that she is not calling it rape, there is a strong possibility it was not rape at all.


I did wonder this myself, hotel room doors lock automatically when you close them. No one can get in without a key. 
I just cant imagine not telling my husband for 2 years, I just couldnt keep something like that from him. Plus maybe risking giving him an STD as well.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Diana7 said:


> I did wonder this myself, hotel room doors lock automatically when you close them. No one can get in without a key.
> I just cant imagine not telling my husband for 2 years, I just couldnt keep something like that from him. Plus maybe risking giving him an STD as well.


Potentially a staff member, or some kind of scam that worked to get a key? I have not experienced this kind of trauma, however, when I was overseas with a friend staying in a studio apartment, I awoke to a man quietly entering our room and looking at us. For a brief second I froze, then managed to call out to my friend to wake her, she was stunned, then I heard myself repeatedly yelling at him, 'Get the F out..!' He stood for a moment then exited. It was a long time ago and I can't remember what happened after we reported to building management or what lead to him entering. I'm also not suggesting this reaction is relevant to the OP's wife.

As for the wait-time before she told her husband, I think this is why professional help is required. This has been a trauma and there's likely a number of psychological reasons as to why she did not share this prior. I'm glad that she did share though.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

frusdil said:


> Oh my, your poor wife. What an awful thing for her to endure and for you to now watch her try to recover from. You must feel so helpless.
> 
> She absolutely did the right thing - she did what she had to do, to survive. She should feel very proud of herself for that. I can't begin to imagine her terror at realising there was a man in her room, and what was about to happen. Trying to process that and work out how best to come out of it alive...I just can't...wow.
> 
> ...


Absolutely agree.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@Ray Smith ,

First, thanks for wanting to "be there" for her. Good man. 

Second, I note that your flag in your profile is in the U.K. So I would say start here: https://rapecrisis.org.uk/ Specifically, here is a page for getting help if you are not sure where to start, and it happened some time ago: Not sure where to start? | Rape Crisis England & Wales I point you to a rape crisis place not because your wife is necessarily "in crisis" right now--it seems like in many ways she has kept herself together, and good for her!--but rather because these are people who are experienced dealing with sexually assaulted people...men and women. Sexual assault is about violence...not sex... so these folks have the know-how to help you navigate through this wisely and together, as a couple.

Finally, here is an article about what to do if the woman you love is raped: If the Woman You Love Gets Sexually Assaulted In a nutshell, it is fabulous to support her for surviving AT ALL. Rapists can and do kill their victims or threaten to kill them, and she did what she believed she had to do in order to LIVE. Don't tell her what she "should have done" or what you "would have done"--just say "Good job! You did what was right in order to live!"


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

heartsbeating said:


> Potentially a staff member, or some kind of scam that worked to get a key? I have not experienced this kind of trauma, however, when I was overseas with a friend staying in a studio apartment, I awoke to a man quietly entering our room and looking at us. For a brief second I froze, then managed to call out to my friend to wake her, she was stunned, then I heard myself repeatedly yelling at him, 'Get the F out..!' He stood for a moment then exited. It was a long time ago and I can't remember what happened after we reported to building management or what lead to him entering. I'm also not suggesting this reaction is relevant to the OP's wife.
> 
> As for the wait-time before she told her husband, I think this is why professional help is required. This has been a trauma and there's likely a number of psychological reasons as to why she did not share this prior. I'm glad that she did share though.


Its possible, but there are a lot of unanswered questions here. How did he get in?. Did she let him in and if so why? Was he a work colleague? A stranger? Why did she stay with him all night, I would have been gone as soon as he fell asleep. 
Yes it was a trauma, but I tell my husband everything, there is no way that I could have kept that from him. 

It may well be that she was raped, only she and the other man know, but as we know from just this forum alone people who cheat on work trips will claim that it was rape to avoid getting into trouble with their spouse. We have seen that a few times here.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

sokillme said:


> Besides your wife and I don't mean at all to discount your what your wife is going through, you need to see someone too. No one every talks about the husband. Again I am not saying it is even anywhere close, but it can be very hard for him as well. It's a good idea to go just to get a sense of how to react and how to help her healing.


You are so right about this. I don't think what the husband goes through is "not as bad", just different, obviously, to what the wife is going through. It would be horrendous to know what your spouse went through and try to support them through it.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Diana7 said:


> Its possible, but there are a lot of unanswered questions here. How did he get in?. Did she let him in and if so why? Was he a work colleague? A stranger? Why did she stay with him all night, I would have been gone as soon as he fell asleep.
> Yes it was a trauma, but I tell my husband everything, there is no way that I could have kept that from him.
> 
> It may well be that she was raped, only she and the other man know, but as we know from just this forum alone people who cheat on work trips will claim that it was rape to avoid getting into trouble with their spouse. We have seen that a few times here.


I think in this instance we need to trust the judgement of Ray - and that his wife has experienced trauma. I guess I posted about how someone entered our room just as a signal that it can happen. There could be a variety of ways this man gained entry to her room. From here, I'm uncomfortable speculating further, and as this is not a trauma I have experienced, cannot begin to reasonably fathom how I might react or deal with such a scenario. Because it is just that - trauma - and therefore, our usual way of being (such as what we share and with whom) is potentially completely shaken and individual.

Ray is seeking how best to support his wife. He is not questioning the validity of what she has shared. Therefore, I don't feel that it is helpful to insinuate otherwise. I do feel that AffairCare's post was directly helpful - and professionals are required.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

heartsbeating said:


> Potentially a staff member, or some kind of scam that worked to get a key? I have not experienced this kind of trauma, however, when I was overseas with a friend staying in a studio apartment, I awoke to a man quietly entering our room and looking at us. For a brief second I froze, then managed to call out to my friend to wake her, she was stunned, then I heard myself repeatedly yelling at him, 'Get the F out..!' He stood for a moment then exited. It was a long time ago and I can't remember what happened after we reported to building management or what lead to him entering. I'm also not suggesting this reaction is relevant to the OP's wife.
> 
> As for the wait-time before she told her husband, I think this is why professional help is required. This has been a trauma and there's likely a number of psychological reasons as to why she did not share this prior. I'm glad that she did share though.


If it's not break and entering, there have also been several cases of incompetent hotel staff giving keys to men claiming to be partners of the guests, ending in pretty horrific ordeals. It does happen.



heartsbeating said:


> *I think in this instance we need to trust the judgement of Ray - and that his wife has experienced trauma... *From here, I'm uncomfortable speculating further, and as this is not a trauma I have experienced, cannot begin to reasonably fathom how I might react or deal with such a scenario. Because it is just that - trauma - and therefore, our usual way of being (such as what we share and with whom) is potentially completely shaken and individual.
> 
> *Ray is seeking how best to support his wife. He is not questioning the validity of what she has shared. Therefore, I don't feel that it is helpful to insinuate otherwise*. I do feel that AffairCare's post was directly helpful - and professionals are required.


Agreed.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

I've come across a book, 'Talking About Sexual Assault: Society's Response to Survivors', by S. E. Ullman.

There is a chapter within this, 'WHY, HOW OFTEN, AND TO WHOM DO WOMEN DISCLOSE, AND WHAT FACTORS INFLUENCE WHETHER DISCLOSURE IS HEALING?' (sorry it's all in uppercase, I copied and pasted directly).

This outlines societal, psychological, and cultural implications of disclosure (or not disclosing). And Ray, from that Chapter, I thought this part may be for your consideration:_ 'Survivors reach out when it will make them feel better, get needed aid, or result in justice . . . Victims disclose to get support, not advice and to seek support from those they think will be most helpful . . . Disclosures range from minor references to fully verbalized accounts . . . A majority of women wait months or years before telling, and most tell informal support sources such as friends and family but rarely report assaults to formal sources, such as police or doctor.'_


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

ConanHub said:


> It happened to Mrs. C before I met her but she probably would have killed the piece of **** in his sleep if he tried what happened to your wife. She is fiery. It happened with someone she had no interest with but she didn't want to get hurt so she just went along. That part bothered her the most.
> 
> She did tell her then husband and it was in Montana so some frontier stuff ensued.
> 
> ...


I agree ^^^

also to gain some of her power back is it possible she may consider filing charges in that country against who did this to her? I shudder to think how many other women are the victim of this abuser. He needs to be exposed.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Diana7 said:


> Its possible, but there are a lot of unanswered questions here. How did he get in?. Did she let him in and if so why? Was he a work colleague? A stranger? Why did she stay with him all night, I would have been gone as soon as he fell asleep.
> Yes it was a trauma, but I tell my husband everything, there is no way that I could have kept that from him.
> 
> It may well be that she was raped, only she and the other man know, but as we know from just this forum alone people who cheat on work trips will claim that it was rape to avoid getting into trouble with their spouse. We have seen that a few times here.


And those are all questions that need to remain unanswered right now. Questioning the victim isn't going to help anything. Just because _you_ would have done x, y, or z doesn't mean every single other woman would.

One time I stayed in an expensive, popular hotel, in the US (not some third world trash bucket), and they gave me a key for someone else's room. I opened the door and a woman was in the room alone. If I was a psycho path that could have gone very differently than a very awkward memory.

Maybe it was a staff member, they have access to every room. Maybe a cleaning lady let them in. Maybe the door lock wasn't up to our standards. Maybe the door was intentionally ****ed with so it wouldn't close. Maybe she accidentally didn't latch the door all the way. Maybe someone lied and said they forgot their key. Maybe, maybe, maybe. Think about it on your own if you must but stop questioning it here.

And honestly, unless you have been in that position you cannot say what you would have done.


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## JustTheWife (Nov 1, 2017)

bobert said:


> ...Just because _you_ would have done x, y, or z doesn't mean every single other woman would....
> 
> And honestly, unless you have been in that position you cannot say what you would have done.


That's basically what i was trying to say but I think i was misunderstood by some. My point was only that it can be hurtful to hear what others would have done in YOUR situation. Like Monday morning quarterbacking your rape or your wife's rape. When you're a victim I think it's very common to replay it in your mind and question what you did or did not do. Should I have fought back, etc. So to hear things like "I would have killed him..." is really not helpful at all. Or to a guy whose wife was raped to say something like "my wife would have killed him". Likewise, for men, I'm sure it's not helpful to hear that "I would have killed the guy..." -- no matter how much you're applauded for doing the "right thing" or staying within the law.

People may not realize this and aren't trying to do any harm, that's why i mentioned it. The problem with saying what "you would have done" is because there is no playbook and everyone deals with it differently. He or his wife were not in the situation so saying what you would have done is not helpful. Sometimes victims feel bad about themselves because they did not stand up for themselves or have enough courage to fight back.


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## HarbourView (Mar 20, 2020)

There is a lack of information about the circumstances of the incident, her prior dealings with the person involved, and any contact she may have had with that person afterwards.
What Ray's wife has disclosed would also be consistent with some-one who regretted/felt guilty about a voluntary ONS (if there was indeed only one) and was trying to offer an explanation for her behaviour over the next two years. In the absence of other information, its for Ray to judge which is the more likely of the two.
If I was Ray, I'd be searching for more information.


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## DallasCowboyFan (Nov 20, 2012)

Hopefully she brought this up because she is ready to move forward. She probably doesn't know how. I would also suggest counseling. If I were you, I would encourage her to become a survivor. What I mean by that is, learn to live a full life, including having a full sex life and a happy marriage in spite of what has happened. If she were my wife, I would ask her about her interest in learning to have a fulfilling sex life. Some women may never get to that point. I couldn't stay married in those circumstances. However, through therapy and with a supportive husband that puts her pleasure first, she should be able to learn to separate what happened that night from a fulfilling life with you. No one should allow one night, regardless of what happened and how bad it was, allow one night to ruin their life. She needs to choose to be a survivor. You may need couples therapy as well as individual therapy, perhaps with the same therapist so you can help her and you can grow as a couple. Where you go from here depends on her willingness to become a survivor and loving spouse again


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

DallasCowboyFan said:


> If she were my wife, I would ask her about her interest in learning to have a fulfilling sex life.


Way, way too soon for that conversation. That would do more harm than good. 


DallasCowboyFan said:


> You may need couples therapy as well as individual therapy, perhaps with the same therapist


Absolutely not. One spouses IC cannot also be the MC.


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## DallasCowboyFan (Nov 20, 2012)

bobert said:


> Way, way too soon for that conversation. That would do more harm than good.
> 
> We can agree to disagree, but I would want to know if she wanted to heal in that way. She has been dwelling on this a couple of years.
> 
> Absolutely not. One spouses IC cannot also be the MC.


Maybe not, but I would ask the counselor. If a marriage counselor doesn't know where she is at in her personal journey, they really can't help. It may be that her personal counselor could call him in for sessions as he/she felt it would help her progress. I've seen that done successfully.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

DallasCowboyFan said:


> Maybe not, but I would ask the counselor. If a marriage counselor doesn't know where she is at in her personal journey, they really can't help. It may be that her personal counselor could call him in for sessions as he/she felt it would help her progress. I've seen that done successfully.


If any therapist says it's fine for them to be the IC and MC then I'd immediately find a new one. I've intentionally asked questions like that to screen them. The IC can have the spouse there for _some_ appointments, been there done that, but it's not a MC session and shouldn't be treated as such.


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## Nailhead (Sep 21, 2020)

hinterdir said:


> I have no idea.
> I do not think I'd be ok with her keeping that from me for 2 years. That would be a marriage breach.
> He basically stole your marriage. Your sex life is ruined, she isn't the same, you two are forever affected, another man had your wife.
> It wasn't her choice but the biology of what happened is still the same. Just like a murderer takes a loved one from you....the love one did not choose that, they were stolen. A rape steals your marriage bond from you. She didn't choose to be with another man but he stole her. I am not an expert but I've read lots of stories of sex dying because the woman no longer can or wants to have sex, everything between the two has been altered and taken. Many divorce. You know a man was intimate with your wife.
> ...


Utter bunk.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

There are two issues, both major.

Tragically and horrifically there was a rape. 

The second thing if I'm reading right is your W went two years without telling you. That may, and maybe not but possibly a relationship problem that kept her from telling you.

It could be a her problem, you problem, both, neither, but likely a blend. The fact is two years went by.

And is there no suspect, who was this man, and did I miss any focus to try and shed some light on finding and perhaps stopping him from continuing to rape others?

I'm sorry for the troubles, this has got to be hard on so many fronts.


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## missus_ashleigh (Dec 18, 2020)

hinterdir said:


> I have no idea.
> I do not think I'd be ok with her keeping that from me for 2 years. That would be a marriage breach.
> He basically stole your marriage. Your sex life is ruined, she isn't the same, you two are forever affected, another man had your wife.
> It wasn't her choice but the biology of what happened is still the same. Just like a murderer takes a loved one from you....the love one did not choose that, they were stolen. A rape steals your marriage bond from you. She didn't choose to be with another man but he stole her. I am not an expert but I've read lots of stories of sex dying because the woman no longer can or wants to have sex, everything between the two has been altered and taken. Many divorce. You know a man was intimate with your wife.
> ...


As a sexual torture survivor, I am strongly compelled to give you a piece of advice. Don't ever give anyone any advice on how to survive being raped or support a rape victim again. Just don't. Nobody had anyone's wife here. His wife was viciously attacked in the worst of ways.


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## missus_ashleigh (Dec 18, 2020)

Ray Smith said:


> My wife's work involves a lot of international travel. After one trip a couple of years ago to a middle east country, she came back noticeably subdued. She also lost any interest in the physical side of our marriage. But recently, she finally told me part of the story.
> 
> She was woken by the sound of someone in her hotel room - unfortunately it wasn't a robbery. As he undressed, she decided the best way to avoid being hurt was just to cooperate. He spent the night with her. She went to see our doctor as soon as she got home. At the time she told me she might have picked up a bug - now I know it was a check for STDs and a pregnancy test, both of which thankfully turned out negative.
> 
> I'm now unsure how best to handle it. It's taken her this long to tell me in not so many words that, not only had she been repeatedly raped that night, she'd had to pretend to be willing throughout for her own safety. (She hasn't even been able to say the word "rape" - it's just been the euphemism "I cooperated with him". Other than the obvious act of intercourse, I shudder to think what else "cooperation" might have entailed.) I don't want to push her on the subject in case it's still too difficult for her to talk about it (and I certainly don't want her to think I'm making it about me), but neither do I want to avoid it in case it might look like disinterest. I really don't know how best to take things from here.





JustTheWife said:


> This is a very difficult topic. Sometimes women do pragmatic things to get by. I've been there.
> 
> I'm not saying this is the case with your wife but I've had to "avoid getting raped" by just cooperating and yes consenting. So if you cooperate/consent, you avoid getting raped. You're not a rape victim. You stay in control and your life goes on (so you think). You're still a woman. You've avoided being a rape victim. You might not be proud of what you did but you've avoided "getting raped". You have a split second to decide what to do. Women generally don't want to be raped so when you're in that situation, cooperating/consenting is the easiest way to avoid "being raped". I hope nobody misunderstands - i'm not at all saying women should just consent/cooperate to avoid "getting raped" but it's part of the options that go through your head. Not everyone has fighting in them. Maybe it's not the "right time" to become a rape victim (and have your whole life turned upside down). Maybe it's not the right time to fight back. We women all hear the hero stories of fighting back. You're supposed to fight back. It's "shameful" not to fight back.
> 
> ...


For any reson having to consent isn't consent. Sex under duress and coercion isn't sex, it's rape. That's being raped and rationalising it in a very unhealthy way.

If you were raped you were raped. If a very assertive almost pushy guy persuaded you to have sex with him and the sex didn't prove that great or he felt bad he was almost pushy and you didn't like it enough to ever see him again, or whatever... then that isn't rape.

Men are wired to initiate and try and seduce women. Women are wired to say yup you're in or no, not having sex with you. We are all more complicated than that but these are the broad-stroke differences between how man and women approach sex and dating. Consenting cos you were persuaded by persistent advances and being raped are nothing alike.

If you were raped you are a rape survivor and yes a rape victim. You need to properly deal with it. If a type A go-getter alpha man persuaded you to have sex when you were attached or he was your sister's husband do not go round telling yourself or anyone else how you were raped.

This is a very serious crime. You should be careful when you accuse a man of it and what you refer to as rape.


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## missus_ashleigh (Dec 18, 2020)

ConanHub said:


> It happened to Mrs. C before I met her but she probably would have killed the piece of **** in his sleep if he tried what happened to your wife. She is fiery. It happened with someone she had no interest with but she didn't want to get hurt so she just went along. That part bothered her the most.
> 
> She did tell her then husband and it was in Montana so some frontier stuff ensued.
> 
> ...


Does some frontier stuff mean what I think it means? Good on her ex-husband then. It's very difficult to share something like that with one's husband precisely cos you don't want your husband in prison over the scum who raped you but also absolutely necessary to do so. When it happened to me I was absolutely torn between this dark fantasy I developed of my husband killing him and being terrified my husband might do just that.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

missus_ashleigh said:


> Does some frontier stuff mean what I think it means? Good on her ex-husband then. It's very difficult to share something like that with one's husband precisely cos you don't want your husband in prison over the scum who raped you but also absolutely necessary to do so. When it happened to me I was absolutely torn between this dark fantasy I developed of my husband killing him and being terrified my husband might do just that.


Mrs. C knows to tell me and the area she was in at the time was way out there and frontier means exactly what you think.

Spouses need to know regardless of what is feared or what may come.


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## missus_ashleigh (Dec 18, 2020)

ConanHub said:


> Mrs. C knows to tell me and the area she was in at the time was way out there and frontier means exactly what you think.
> 
> Spouses need to know regardless of what is feared or what may come.


I agree.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

missus_ashleigh said:


> I agree.


P.S. Sorry.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I would spend the rest of my life looking for a way for her rapist to pay.
He best never come (anywhere near) my home-of-record.
Enough said.


_SCM-_


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## missus_ashleigh (Dec 18, 2020)

ConanHub said:


> P.S. Sorry.


I know but not your fault. People can be evil but thank God for good husbands, right? You and the missus seem to have a good thing going on and so many people on this forum. Hears to good marriages, my amazing husband and all other good and amazing husbands.


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