# Chinese wife does not want to muddle herself up with my family anymore



## zeezack (Sep 8, 2013)

My Chinese wife of 3 years. Has initiated a separation - she started the separation/telling me about wanting a divorce in mid-August, but has dated the start of the 2 year separation back to April this year. She claims it was in April when my mother and sister slated her severely.

- I'm half Indian (dad's side)/half English (mum's side)

She feels my Western family from my mother's side do not look after their health, do not take on her good advice. She feels my family is in chaos and is refusing to return to it.

She believes my mother and my sister would prefer I divorce her; my wife feels hurt and let down by my side of the family. She recently said she is afraid of my mother - feeling her to be controlling and arrogant. She does not want OUR children to be wrongfully influenced.

I have given her options for limiting, avoiding or handling the chaos - but she won't accept them.

- to try and reconcile and elaborate on her feelings to my mother and sister to come to some neutral decision - (water under the bridge, agree to disagree)
- to only go to a few selected events
- to not go at all

- on monday she spoke about the possibility of continuing the marriage. Used words like "if you want to live with me". "Marriage is a big project" etc.. I slept over in the house, had some lovely meals. I thought we were on a road of potential reconciliation.
- on thursday though she revealed we are on a 2 year separation from Easter. I thought we were going through a timeout/trial separation, but she is now confident she will look to file in Easter 2015. She says she doesn't want children with me and does not want to return to the family chaos.

So for the last 4-5 months she has withdrawn from the marriage and on monday was the first instant she spoke about possibly resuming it. Now my hopes have been dashed again.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Funny, I would have thought she would have problems with the Indian side of the family too:

Russell Peters Indian Vs Chinese - YouTube

Chinese place a very high value on extended family and if she will not compromise even if it meant she won't see your mother's side of the family then it just won't work. Do yourself a favor and stop s-cking up to whatever she wants. What does she expect you to do? Disown your family? There's a point where there's no compromise.

If she wants a divorce just give it to her. She's stated her terms and they are unacceptable, harden up and move on.


----------



## zeezack (Sep 8, 2013)

Most of my dad's relatives are in the States. She seems ok with my dad, but doesn't like or fears my mother's control. She has a problem with my sister, mother and uncle mostly. On monday she was going into fine detail about the possibility of resuming the marriage. Talking about preparing our bodies (health, diet) before starting a family.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## zeezack (Sep 8, 2013)

She recently said “ you can never get out of the control of your mother. she is who she is. after all she and your dad gave you life, please find someone who can get along with them. i am not the right cadidate.”
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

So, she has arbitrarily decided on her own that she has custody of your kids? Has someone appointed her "judge"? I would be finding an attorney. Financial obligations and child custody/support would be formalized under the authority of the court. No one has annointed her with the authority to determine who is good, who is evil, and how the world should turn. 
Any path to healthy living would not include taking my kids away from me.


----------



## zeezack (Sep 8, 2013)

unbelievable said:


> So, she has arbitrarily decided on her own that she has custody of your kids? Has someone appointed her "judge"? I would be finding an attorney. Financial obligations and child custody/support would be formalized under the authority of the court. No one has annointed her with the authority to determine who is good, who is evil, and how the world should turn.
> Any path to healthy living would not include taking my kids away from me.


No - we don't have children yet. She has a fear of loosing her cultural identity and a fear of how our children will be influenced. At the moment, she feels she can not get on with my family, and has distanced herself - retreated into a 2 year separation.

She currently won't let me compromise on limiting visits/contact with them etc... to ease the tensions.


----------



## temperance (Jul 28, 2013)

There is no easy solution, if I may bluntly say... from a Chinese woman point of view knowing the culture and all that... Let her go. Get out, don't waste another breath trying to compromise. 

Even if you both can come to an agreement and she feels comfortable enough to start a family with you, this will lead to a misery with your mom, herself and you in between. You will be facing a situation of 'if you mom and wife are draining in the water, you only have time to save one, who do you save?'... you know there is not going to be a right answer to it.  This struggle is not going to last just for a few years but for life until one or the other passes away.

If she is not open to the idea of the children losing her cultural identity, instead of opening her eyes and look forward to teach the kid to accept to all the cultures available to her/him, this is not going to work.


----------



## temperance (Jul 28, 2013)

RandomDude said:


> Russell Peters Indian Vs Chinese - YouTube


:rofl: You have made my day


----------



## zeezack (Sep 8, 2013)

temperance said:


> There is no easy solution, if I may bluntly say... from a Chinese woman point of view knowing the culture and all that... Let her go. Get out, don't waste another breath trying to compromise.
> 
> Even if you both can come to an agreement and she feels comfortable enough to start a family with you, this will lead to a misery with your mom, herself and you in between. You will be facing a situation of 'if you mom and wife are draining in the water, you only have time to save one, who do you save?'... you know there is not going to be a right answer to it. This struggle is not going to last just for a few years but for life until one or the other passes away.
> 
> If she is not open to the idea of the children losing her cultural identity, instead of opening her eyes and look forward to teach the kid to accept to all the cultures available to her/him, this is not going to work.


My parents would understand if I can't attend an event. My sister lives/works in Malaysia for most of the year.

Filial piety - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia is a great importance to her - and she is convinced that I will not be catering for my parent's wishes if I choose to remain with her.

I feel though that she has mis-observed/mis-communicated how my parents feel about her. They were happy that we got married (although my dad was not at first, but did come round).

I have read the story - about the man - having to save his wife/mother.

As a Westerner I will compromise and limit contact with my family to focus on the attention my wife needs - especially if we start a family. On Monday she was open to reconciliation, but since then has shutdown again.


----------



## zeezack (Sep 8, 2013)

"You completely misunderstood what I said. I apologise if I did not explain myself clearly to you. As I expressed before, it is futile to look into other people's marriage problems because each marriage experiences different problems with different people and hence different causes. 

When I say that I do not get along with your family, I refer to the fundementally different value system between mine and yours and your family's. Your family and you have the right to uphold the value system that you all are happy with and I have no right to interfere or criticise your value system or anything else. However, I do have my own judgement and I do not want my value system to be endangered by your family and you, and I assume vice versa. Hence, divorcing from you and your family is the best solution. 

I told you many times, and I still hold the same view, that you are an indispensible part of your family and you can never and must not separate yourself from them as there is no one in the world can replace their place in your life because they are of the closest blood relation to you. When it comes to filial piety, you should place your parents' happiness as the top priority. For example, your dad should place your grandma's happiness first. 

In the past few years I gradually realised that my value system and your family's are completely different. This is something I did not fully recognise before I entered into the marriage, despite the fact that I mentioned the differences and potential marital difficulties in my letter to your parents in March 2010. I understand that your family are very proud of their value system and other things. Hence, it is only reasonable for me to leave them intact as I do not wish to intrude their lives. 

However, I have my own judgement and my own set of values, and my value system is in conflict with your family's. Hence, if I continued the marriage, the family would have more chaos on top of what they already experience. It is far easier to ease the situation before there is any blood connection established. I taught many years in primary schools in England and I observed the huge damage done to children due to family conflicts, either between the children's parents or their relatives. 

Please do not talk of change because I know, and you know as well, that it is almost impossible for adults to change their established value systems. You are who you are and your family are who they are. I am who I am. I respect you and your family as fellow human beings. Hence, it is best to leave everyone in peace and lead the life they wish to lead.

I am very tired of constant family disputes, either experiencing them myself or listening to your family talking of them. Hence, I would truly appreciate a divorce. I hope this email explains my thoughts clearly enough and please forgive me if there is any wording that might be interpreted to be offensive as I know your family are very sensitive. "


----------



## zeezack (Sep 8, 2013)

She had cc'd that to my parents and sister.

My mum replied

"Dear x, 
It has been a terrible time for us knowing of the difficulties between you and y. We are devastated that you have come to this decision because we thought that you and y were actually well suited, in so many ways. He was so happy on his wedding day. I was always happy and proud to call you my daughter-in-law. Please, always remember that. We greatly miss you in our family and definitely do not want you to divorce.

It is my wish that you and y could manage your marriage with compromise, love and understanding. I have always admired the values you have and would continue to support them and upheld them with your children in the future. We could have a list of expectations and wishes from you in regard to this. 

My happiness is bound up with you and y being together as you should be. You have both worked so hard to achieve where you are now. You have sacrificed so much to come to England and I will always be grateful for the love and friendship you have shown for my son, x. Going to bed early, eating healthily looking after his health was naturally supported by me. 

I think very fondly of your family and am deeply saddened to think of a possible broken link with them. We were all so full of hope and happiness for a good future for you both. 

Would it be possible for us to come and visit you in Hitchin? If not at the house but at a place of your choosing so that we can talk about the issues? 

With love and best wishes
Mum x
"


my wife's reply


"Dear z, 

Thank you very much for your email. I understand that you say these things out of your love for you son. However, I would truly appreciate it if you could once be honest to your own heart. 

As I have been in this family for quite a while and I know how you and your family constantly criticise other relatives despite that you appear to be welcoming at the presence of those people. The worst thing is that the criticism was made in front of your children. I am in great fear that such kind of tradition could be carried on to the next generation and the damage could be detrimental. There are many more observations that fear me as well which I do not wish to display. 

In addition, you are the centre power of your household and I can observe your potential and your will of instilling your value system onto other family members. To be frank, I do not want to tread on your value system and how you and your family lead lives, but at the same time I do not want my value system and my way of living to be interfered. 

If the marriage continued, no sooner or later I would tread on your and probably also your daughter's toes. I do not wish to be a family dispute generator. 

Hence, a divorce is the best solution. It will leave everyone in peace. 

Kind regards, 

y "


----------

