# Dating while separated



## badcompany

Just a little bit of a rant, get your popcorn out.
I've been separated over a year at this point, and we've got a house we have to sell before we can finish our D. We were at each others throats for some time just staying for our kids, and my counseling helped me discover how incompatible we were, she's an INTP with many symptoms of BPD-can you say run Forest run?, I'm an ENFJ. 
I'd like to think I'm ready to move on. 
Here's the double standard though. To put it bluntly, if you have a vaj and you're separated you can find another guy in about a week. If you're a guy, well good luck. I've even browsed some profiles of separated women only wanting relationships with divorced or single guys.....really?


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## PBear

What's your point? It's not really hard for a 40 something average looking guy to get lucky. Getting lucky with someone "normal", though...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964

Are you looking for a relationship or are you just looking for sex?


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## badcompany

I'm trying to find the real deal, I haven't been "around the block" that much and there's a reason for that. I have to have that connection for sex to be something for me. 
Housing is expensive here and there are a fair number of people that end up separated for some time while waiting for the marital home to sell, I don't feel I'm out of line wanting to date another separated person but it sure feels like a one-way door.


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## Hope1964

Then quit looking. The first thing on your agenda should be figuring out how to be happy completely on your own with no one else. Once you've got that figured out, the right person will come along. I know that sounds cliche, but it also happens to be true.

I don't understand people who go 'looking' for a mate. Never have.


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## Married but Happy

At this point, don't worry much about who you date and how well they fit your ultimate criteria - just date. After you solidify what you want, and have dated enough to match the person to their words (especially true for online dating), you'll be able to choose who to date more wisely. If you are doing OLD, then your results will depend largely on how good your profile is, and of course on what you have to offer in terms of appearance and compatibility. You probably won't find the real deal right away - I had to meet 50 women before I did, and only dated a few of those for any length of time.

There are many (maybe even most) who will date a separated man. I had very little trouble finding dates using OLD this way.


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## Fenix

I don't know where you are looking or living, but that hasn't been my experience at all. Of course, I am a separated woman and I was most interested in dating separated guys. It just seemed easier and I liked the boundaries it placed on the ''relationship''. Plus, I thought it would be nice to have someone to walk this journey with.

Here you have to be separated for a year before you can file (if you have kids). Anyway, I have met plenty of women who thought like me.

But I always thought that someone who was ready for an LTR would be absolutely nuts to get involved with someone who was only separated.


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## vi_bride04

Fenix said:


> But I always thought that someone who was ready for an LTR would be absolutely nuts to get involved with someone who was only separated.


:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:


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## jpr

I dated someone who was in your position, Badcompany.

It didn't go very far....he was just in a MUCH different place in his life than I was. It was weird that he would go home to his martial home....with his soon-to-be-ex-wife. 

He was in the very 'baby-stages' of divorce-dom. It is a strange limbo area....where he had one foot still in his marriage (sort of) and one foot in the dating world. In the end, he was not available....not really.

It is funny, because he sounded a lot like you. He was so convincing about truly being available to date. I think if he looked back on that time period, he would even recognize that he really wasn't available at that point in time for a real relationship---not really.


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## badcompany

You missed the point. The first gal I met in person from online dating was separated for 3 years while they waited for their house to sell. Most people are well over their ex by then and it's just the technicality of the paperwork at that point. I don't judge someone for being separated and I found it's pretty easy to tell if they are ready to date or not. I've met quite a few gals so far, one over 3 years out of an physically abusive relationship was not ready and needed some help, another that was only 3 months separated had been co-parenting with a drunk husband for years, he had finally wound up in Jail for his umpteenth DWI, and she was ready to move on.


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## EleGirl

badcompany said:


> Here's the double standard though. To put it bluntly, if you have a vaj and ...


what is a vaj?


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## badcompany

I hear that JPR, except I've been out of the house for....let me think....8 months?
I know in the beginning I thought I was ready and I wasn't, after a self realization moment I folded things up online just focused on work and my time with my kids. During the X-mas season my mother mentioned that I seemed to be back to my old self again and I explained that thru counseling, my friends here at TAM, and many evenings studying personality types and disorders, that things were NOT all my fault. It's helped me let go. 
My concern is in my younger years I spent 7 years just doing my own thing which resulted in one relationship of a few months. That's it. It's not like I'm an ass or anything, it's just that my workplace and most of the activities I partake in don't have an abundance of women plus I don't have tons of free time.


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## badcompany

EleGirl said:


> what is a vaj?


Lol, hint: women have one, guys don't


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## RandomDude

Tell me about it, I made the mistake of dating this woman only to have her tell me she doesn't want to go forward while I'm still "married", yet previous dates/FWBs had no problem.

In the end -> just stick to FWBs, its short-term however, they never last long, both FWBs went bust prior to my current date who I'll be dumping shortly if I move forward with another lady I met last week.


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## badcompany

I may just have to wait. I can't do FWB's. I can't **** her or eat her the way I want to when there is no emotional attachment involved and you don't know where she's been....
Maybe TMI, but what the hell.


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## COguy

The type of girl that would be good LTR potential is also the type of girl that wouldn't date a man 1 year out of a marriage and still legally married. That's how you attract the crazies man.

Get yourself right first before you go looking for wife #2.


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## EnjoliWoman

Here you can get a divorce decree without a property settlement. They both don't have to happen at the same time. Do they have to happen at the same time where you are? Ask your attorney.


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## norajane

Fenix said:


> But I always thought that someone who was ready for an LTR would be absolutely nuts to get involved with someone who was only separated.


:iagree:


I wouldn't do it back when I was dating. Some of those people get back together with their spouses even though they are certain they are "done." Some of them are emotionally unavailable even though they want to date. Some of them are still hurting and that creates a lot of issues and dysfunction. 

Some are none of those things and really are ready to move on and are emotionally healthy, but there's no way of telling if they're one of those guys or the others.


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## PBear

norajane said:


> :iagree:
> 
> 
> I wouldn't do it back when I was dating. Some of those people get back together with their spouses even though they are certain they are "done." Some of them are emotionally unavailable even though they want to date. Some of them are still hurting and that creates a lot of issues and dysfunction.
> 
> Some are none of those things and really are ready to move on and are emotionally healthy, but there's no way of telling if they're one of those guys or the others.


But signing divorce papers doesn't magically make someone ready to date, either. In some of the states, it seems you can get a quickie divorce in a week, with no separation or waiting period. How is a person one week out of a marriage in any better shape mentally than someone who's been separated (but not yet divorced) for 11 months?

I'm just saying... Using someone's legal marital status to decide if they're dating material is foolish. Everyone needs to be evaluated on their own terms. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## norajane

PBear said:


> But signing divorce papers doesn't magically make someone ready to date, either. In some of the states, it seems you can get a quickie divorce in a week, with no separation or waiting period. How is a person one week out of a marriage in any better shape mentally than someone who's been separated (but not yet divorced) for 11 months?
> 
> I'm just saying... Using someone's legal marital status to decide if they're dating material is foolish. Everyone needs to be evaluated on their own terms.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yeah, they may be divorced an unready as well, and I rarely dated newly divorced guys, too. Most of them still have a lot of healing to do. But at least they aren't still married, which to me, is a big boundary. 

Lots of sh*t goes down while people are working out a divorce, and that makes dating separated guys really hard since their head is still on the ex-wife and that relationship, if for no other reason than it has to be because they have legal, childcare, and financial issues to deal with. Lots of separated people get back together, too. I know of two friends who have done so, all the while trying to date other people.


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## Mortie

Im sorry, I know that I will probably get bashed for this but, the way I see it, seperated is still married. Where I live, it can and will be used against you in court.


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## EnjoliWoman

Not bashing - but in my section of the US, you only need be legally separated or physically separated for it to not constitute cheating and avoid any impact in court.

Doesn't make it right or wrong - not arguing still married/chance of R, etc.


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## RandomDude

Impact in court? Ha!

I thought its all "no fault divorce" over there in the US no?


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## Fenix

RandomDude said:


> Impact in court? Ha!
> 
> I thought its all "no fault divorce" over there in the US no?


No. It goes state by state.


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## EnjoliWoman

My state isn't no fault. Proof of adultery can totally affect equitable distribution in my state. "Equitable" can mean 50/50 or 80/20... whatever the judge deems fair under the circumstances. I kind of like it. How many cheaters ruin a relationship, pushing divorce onto someone who never really wanted it and now the injured party is left with 50% and no choice in the matter? R makes it tricky because once a couple cohabitates again, or even just has sex after they become aware of an affair, it wipes the slate clean on the basis of condonation.

BUT you don't have to settle custody OR property to divorce, although there is a year waiting period here before you can file. The waiting period starts from the time one party moves out of the marital residence or when a legal separation is filed and during that time a person can live as if they were unmarried aside from remarrying. Usually a year is enough time to settle most of the issues.


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## COguy

RandomDude said:


> Impact in court? Ha!
> 
> I thought its all "no fault divorce" over there in the US no?


In the good old south you can still be jailed for adultery.

My state rocks, if you cheat you don't get alimony.

You can also still paddle in schools I think....maybe I need to move


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## Rowan

COguy said:


> My state rocks, if you cheat you don't get alimony.


Same here.


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## PBear

Rowan said:


> Same here.


What happens if you're the cheater and you're also the person paying alimony? Just curious...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## COguy

PBear said:


> What happens if you're the cheater and you're also the person paying alimony? Just curious...
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Nothing. My lawyer told me to, "Go out and bang everything that moves."

The only negative to the law that I can think of. You can be an abusive a*hole, separate for like 2-3 years, and then if the other person gets a new relationship they don't get alimony. I know a girl who couldn't date because she was in that situation. Very sweet lady who husband abused her and then left her financially destitute when he packed up and left (she was a SAHM to 5 kids). She was like 3 years out of the relationship and still not able to date because it would end her alimony.


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## badcompany

My state is no fault, probably to my detriment as I could have come out ahead if it wasn't. At least we both made the same money so there won't be any alimony involved.


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## Rowan

PBear said:


> What happens if you're the cheater and you're also the person paying alimony? Just curious...
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Then you would pay the alimony. 

Infidelity is only considered relevant in the case of the WS requesting alimony. The state will not award alimony to any spouse who can be reasonably proven (it's really not that hard) to have been unfaithful. Everything else is still subject to equitable distribution.


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## EnjoliWoman

COguy said:


> Nothing. My lawyer told me to, "Go out and bang everything that moves."
> 
> The only negative to the law that I can think of. You can be an abusive a*hole, separate for like 2-3 years, and then if the other person gets a new relationship they don't get alimony. I know a girl who couldn't date because she was in that situation. Very sweet lady who husband abused her and then left her financially destitute when he packed up and left (she was a SAHM to 5 kids). She was like 3 years out of the relationship and still not able to date because it would end her alimony.


Here you can date, just not live together/marry. And living together is defined by the # of overnights per month. It isn't the same across the border? Or is my info old?


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## COguy

EnjoliWoman said:


> Here you can date, just not live together/marry. And living together is defined by the # of overnights per month. It isn't the same across the border? Or is my info old?


If you can show motivation and opportunity, you can "prove" adultery. So if you are seen holding hands with a guy, and then you go into his apartment and turn off the lights, you lose your right to alimony.

So in theory you could "date", but if you ever put yourself alone with them in a situation where you COULD have had sex, then you're an adulterer in the eyes of the law and subject to losing alimony.


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## norajane

COguy said:


> If you can show motivation and opportunity, you can "prove" adultery. So if you are seen holding hands with a guy, and then you go into his apartment and turn off the lights, you lose your right to alimony.
> 
> So in theory you could "date", but if you ever put yourself alone with them in a situation where you COULD have had sex, then you're an adulterer in the eyes of the law and subject to losing alimony.


Is this only while separated and there's hasn't been a divorce and alimony hasn't been determined yet? Because it's not adultery if you're divorced.


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## IndyTMI

I was in your situation, except I didn't have to worry about selling a house.

My ex did everything she could to prolong the divorce. My attorney told me 3 months and it would all be over but it actually took nearly 11 months.

I found it very difficult to date while being separated, but did find women willing to go out with me during that time, as I had explained my situation and I think most of them believed what I said.
I must admit, I did shy away from the ones that listed themselves as separated. I knew I was way over any attachment with my STBXW, but didn't want to chance that they weren't, so I only looked for single or divorced women.

I actually went out on a total of 5 dates before I met my fiance.
I never thought I wanted to be in a long distance relationship because the physical connection is so important to me. I didn't think being away for extended period of time would work, but I am here to tell you it has done wonders for me.
It allowed us to work on all other areas of the relationship, communications being the main one.


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## IndyTMI

COguy said:


> If you can show motivation and opportunity, you can "prove" adultery. So if you are seen holding hands with a guy, and then you go into his apartment and turn off the lights, you lose your right to alimony.
> 
> So in theory you could "date", but if you ever put yourself alone with them in a situation where you COULD have had sex, then you're an adulterer in the eyes of the law and subject to losing alimony.


Isn't it that it is only adultery if there is no filing for dissolution of their marriage? I would think once that is filed, action upon either party would be irrelevant and non-admissible in court.


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## norajane

IndyTMI said:


> I never thought I wanted to be in a long distance relationship because the physical connection is so important to me. I didn't think being away for extended period of time would work, but I am here to tell you it has done wonders for me.
> *It allowed us to work on all other areas of the relationship, communications being the main one.*


This is off-topic, but I just want to point out that this is actually one of the reasons women choose to wait to have sex with a guy that they're interested in for a long term relationship. 

It's not that we want to "make them wait" to prove we are pure enough, or that we don't desire the "Plan B provider guy" enough. 

It's that sex tends to change the nature of the relationship instantly, and that can mean you end up not exploring or developing the other aspects of a good relationship well enough. Developing good communication skills, and learning about each other's intellectual and emotional make-up, can take a backseat when you are carried along by good sex.


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## badcompany

IndyTMI said:


> I was in your situation, except I didn't have to worry about selling a house.
> 
> My ex did everything she could to prolong the divorce. My attorney told me 3 months and it would all be over but it actually took nearly 11 months.
> 
> I found it very difficult to date while being separated, but did find women willing to go out with me during that time, as I had explained my situation and I think most of them believed what I said.
> I must admit, I did shy away from the ones that listed themselves as separated. I knew I was way over any attachment with my STBXW, but didn't want to chance that they weren't, so I only looked for single or divorced women.
> 
> I actually went out on a total of 5 dates before I met my fiance.
> I never thought I wanted to be in a long distance relationship because the physical connection is so important to me. I didn't think being away for extended period of time would work, but I am here to tell you it has done wonders for me.
> It allowed us to work on all other areas of the relationship, communications being the main one.


I think dating is a bit easier back east. I live among the "Seattle Freeze" crowd and 1/2 the dates I've had seem like they are just waiting to see that we don't have 1000 things in common so they can open the trap door under my chair. The few that have been genuine and realistic, we just didn't end up clicking from one side or another. I've met probably 20 gals now, but I know that the personality type I'm after is only about 3% of the population so I probably have a ways to go.


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## EnjoliWoman

COguy said:


> If you can show motivation and opportunity, you can "prove" adultery. So if you are seen holding hands with a guy, and then you go into his apartment and turn off the lights, you lose your right to alimony.
> 
> So in theory you could "date", but if you ever put yourself alone with them in a situation where you COULD have had sex, then you're an adulterer in the eyes of the law and subject to losing alimony.


Yes, but that's to prove adultery. Adultery only happens when two people are married and not separated.

We were talking about the nice lady who couldn't date to preserve alimony? Once you are physically or legally separated dating carries no risk; it's not adultery. 

Once you are divorced or separated and have requested alimony, you can date while separated or divorced and still get alimony as long as you don't cohabitate, correct??

Not that this really matters - now I'm just curious.


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## COguy

EnjoliWoman said:


> Yes, but that's to prove adultery. Adultery only happens when two people are married and not separated.
> 
> We were talking about the nice lady who couldn't date to preserve alimony? Once you are physically or legally separated dating carries no risk; it's not adultery.
> 
> Once you are divorced or separated and have requested alimony, you can date while separated or divorced and still get alimony as long as you don't cohabitate, correct??
> 
> Not that this really matters - now I'm just curious.


No, in my state there is no legal separation (separation is just married people not cohabitating), you are still legally married and attempting to reconcile under the eyes of the law (at least in my state). Alimony is not awarded until the final hearing. So if you do the hibbidy with someone else before your final hearing you are jeopardizing alimony.

Basically until you are divorced you are married. Note this ONLY affects alimony. Not custody or equitable distribution. And it's only for my state, not sure how this works in others.


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## EnjoliWoman

COguy said:


> No, in my state there is no legal separation (separation is just married people not cohabitating), you are still legally married and attempting to reconcile under the eyes of the law (at least in my state). Alimony is not awarded until the final hearing. So if you do the hibbidy with someone else before your final hearing you are jeopardizing alimony.
> 
> Basically until you are divorced you are married. Note this ONLY affects alimony. Not custody or equitable distribution. And it's only for my state, not sure how this works in others.


Ah - so the woman in your example is not divorced yet. When you said alimony I thought she was already divorced so was confused. Got it. So there IS a difference between the two states. Interesting. Note to self if dating across the border!


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