# Family wedding question



## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

Brother's wedding, I'm the best man. His fiance's family doesn't really want kids at the wedding. We will have a nursing 3-month-old baby and want to be able to bring the baby -- too hard to leave a nursing baby that small with a babysitter for an entire night or overnight (we're about 1-1.5 hrs drive from the wedding, so we could come back that night, but it would necessitate leaving early from my own brother's wedding).

I'm thinking about just telling them it's not negotiable. Am I being unreasonable or selfish?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

No. You have a very young baby. 

Do you have anyone who you trust who can take care of the baby. Just asking to get that out of the way.

Where is the wedding dinner/reception? Is it at a hotel? or is there one near by?


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

Dinner/reception in same place, hotel a short drive away. Another thing is that if we bring the baby we can stay for the night, but we REALLY can't leave the baby overnight (and even leaving the baby for 5-6 hours would be difficult, as only relatives who can watch the baby would already be watching our toddler who we are not bringing).


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Ok, I was thinking that if there was a hotel very close, you could bring a family member to watch your baby at the hotel. it would cost you two rooms though.

If you do not have anyone who can watch your baby.. then no, you are not being unreasonable or selfish.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

John Lee said:


> Brother's wedding, I'm the best man. His fiance's family doesn't really want kids at the wedding. We will have a nursing 3-month-old baby and want to be able to bring the baby -- too hard to leave a nursing baby that small with a babysitter for an entire night or overnight (we're about 1-1.5 hrs drive from the wedding, so we could come back that night, but it would necessitate leaving early from my own brother's wedding).
> 
> I'm thinking about just telling them it's not negotiable. Am I being unreasonable or selfish?


Kids and infants are different categories regarding social gatherings. Generally people don't want kids because they want an adult setting with alcohol and such that they would feel uncomfortable with having kids around at. Obviously infants wouldn't be a problem in that regard so maybe it's not the problem you're thinking it is. My opinion is to tactfully mentioning that you're not comfortable leaving your infant with a baby sitter all night and hope they wouldn't have expected that at all.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Ok, I was thinking that if there was a hotel very close, you could bring a family member to watch your baby at the hotel. it would cost you two rooms though.
> 
> If you do not have anyone who can watch your baby.. then no, you are not being unreasonable or selfish.


Yeah, it's also just a long time to leave the baby with anyone, even family -- probably minimum of 7-8 hours even if we don't stay for the whole reception, let alone staying overnight so we can be with my family for all of the wedding stuff. Especially since they're ALSO going to have a toddler to watch.


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## SpinDaddy (Nov 12, 2012)

Howdy John Lee,

I’ll take a somewhat contrarian position because I’m “old world” and cannot understand people who don’t appreciate the beauty in the multi-generational aspect of family gatherings like weddings, Christenings, and funerals. And yes, “adult activities” like drinking and the like do go on – its tradition and part of life.

That said, you cannot leave your child (an infant) without his or her mother that long and if the family is not making arrangements for you, explain the circumstances, fulfil your familial obligations to your Brother, and return to your family that evening. 

Be firm, no feelings hurt, and hopefully at some point in their lives they will see the light. 

Frankly, one of the many beautiful aspects to our wedding was having all the children there with the parents, grandparents, and great grandparents. Many of whom have since passed and the wedding really served as bond and passing of the familial torch.

TRADITION!


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

I'm with you SpinDaddy, I am not into the idea of the wedding as some kind of managed "event" where everything goes smoothly at all costs, and family should be the priority, since it's a big part of what it's about.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

SpinDaddy said:


> Howdy John Lee,
> 
> I’ll take a somewhat contrarian position because I’m “old world” and cannot understand people who don’t appreciate the beauty in the multi-generational aspect of family gatherings like weddings, Christenings, and funerals. And yes, “adult activities” like drinking and the like do go on – its tradition and part of life.
> 
> ...


:iagree: I do not understand have a wedding and not inviting the children. This is how we teach our children about such things.


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## SpinDaddy (Nov 12, 2012)

John Lee said:


> I'm with you SpinDaddy, I am not into the idea of the wedding as some kind of managed "event" where everything goes smoothly at all costs, and family should be the priority, since it's a big part of what it's about.


Agreed. I’ve “best manned” at the MGM in Vegas and the Waldorf-Astoria in New York, NY. For my money, the best weddings have always been with a reception in some Podunk American Legion Hall with somebody’s drunk Uncle Eddie teaching the kids how to Polka. Or a good Mexican Catholic wedding!

That said, you do owe your Brother the honor of being his Best Man.


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## batsociety (Jan 23, 2015)

You're not being unreasonable or selfish. You have a damn infant, what's it going to do? Just lie around and be useless and maybe cry. It's not like it's going to be wreaking havoc like a toddler+ would be. His fiance's family can shut their mouths.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

In my area, it's common - expected, actually - that there will be arrangements in place for children/infants to be watched by a responsible adult during the ceremony. "Nursery" of this type is commonplace for any church service or event, and the idea is carried over for non-church weddings as well. I've never seen it stated as mandatory, but it's an option few parents refuse since keeping a toddler still and quiet during a long boring wedding service can be challenging. The kids are usually then allowed to join the festivities once the reception starts, though it's also not unheard of for a designated relative to round up the little ones at some point in the evening and take them off to a quieter location. 

OP, is there an older teen or other relative you would trust to watch the baby in your hotel room for a few hours during the ceremony/reception? You and your wife could take turns checking on them throughout the night. Alternately, a couple I know managed this type of situation by having him attend the ceremony and early part of the reception, while she kept the baby. Later, they swapped and he watched the baby while she joined the reception. It may take some finessing, but there are options that will allow you to manage both attending the wedding and caring for your new baby.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

John Lee said:


> Brother's wedding, I'm the best man. His fiance's family doesn't really want kids at the wedding. We will have a nursing 3-month-old baby and want to be able to bring the baby -- too hard to leave a nursing baby that small with a babysitter for an entire night or overnight (we're about 1-1.5 hrs drive from the wedding, so we could come back that night, but it would necessitate leaving early from my own brother's wedding).
> 
> I'm thinking about just telling them it's not negotiable. Am I being unreasonable or selfish?


I was in a very similar situation last year. 

My brother got married in August and his wedding was 6 hours away from home. I refused to leave my son with a stranger and couldn't afford to bring someone along on the trip, so I told him that we all come(husband, myself, and son) or none of us can come. I nursed my son during the ceremony and it went perfectly. My brother wasn't thrilled when I told him that it's all of us or nothing, but it didn't impact his day at all and went off without a hitch. 

Honestly, I don't get it when people refuse to allow immediate family. My own wedding was "adults only"(less expensive, small wedding), but we had exceptions for nieces and nephews(plus my cousin's daughter, as my cousin passed away the year before). I can't imagine excluding my nieces and nephews. If anyone had a nursing baby, I'd expect them to be there, too. A wedding is a family event.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

I see two ways to go...

1. Wife and kids stay home. Not ideal, but it is an option.

2. Just show up with wife and infant, what are they going to do? Kick you out? Just show up, no big explanation.... this is what it is, we take the infant with us.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

SunnyT said:


> I see two ways to go...
> 
> 1. Wife and kids stay home. Not ideal, but it is an option.
> 
> 2. Just show up with wife and infant, what are they going to do? Kick you out? Just show up, no big explanation.... this is what it is, we take the infant with us.


:iagree:
I'm a fan of attempting to respect peoples wishes but I'm a stickler for them returning that courtesy. Something just feels wrong about this situation though. I really think John Lee should talk to his brother and ask if he actually wants him to not bring his baby. It would be a shame to end up with hurt feeling over a misunderstanding.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I too cannot understand not including children in a wedding invite. We printed on our invitations 'Children Welcome".

The children who came were all well behaved, and among the highlights of the day were the children playing, dancing to the music and one little girl spinning around and around with my veil on  I took it off and put it on her because she was fascinated with it - it was so cute!

No way would I leave my infant for longer than to pop out to the shops or something. Tell your brother that obviously the baby will be there, but assure him he/she won't disrupt anything. If he doesn't like it he can find another best man.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

Good advice all. We may actually try to find a babysitter to be at the wedding with us for a few hours. This might also mean my wife and I get to enjoy the wedding more, so it's a win-win.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

SpinDaddy said:


> For my money, the best weddings have always been with a reception in some Podunk American Legion Hall with somebody’s drunk Uncle Eddie teaching the kids how to Polka. Or a good Mexican Catholic wedding!


:iagree:


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Just thinking....any family activity I've taken an infant to, turns into...."pass the baby" and I COULD enjoy while just keeping my eye on who had the baby!


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## SpinDaddy (Nov 12, 2012)

Thundarr said:


> :iagree:
> I'm a fan of attempting to respect peoples wishes but I'm a stickler for them returning that courtesy. Something just feels wrong about this situation though. I really think John Lee should talk to his brother and ask if he actually wants him to not bring his baby. It would be a shame to end up with hurt feeling over a misunderstanding.


Yup 100%. I believe the family of the future sister-in-law is being caddy BUT agree with Thundar – that John Lee needs to articulate the options to his Bro. and then roll with it from there.


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## SpinDaddy (Nov 12, 2012)

SunnyT said:


> Just thinking....any family activity I've taken an infant to, turns into...."pass the baby" and I COULD enjoy while just keeping my eye on who had the baby!


Yup, exactly! This is the magic of these events . . . .


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Be nice if YOUR BROTHER THE GROOM would have a say in this. It's his wedding too and in a case like this he should be letting his future in laws know that this is his brother and best man and let them know to let it slide.


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