# a question about condoms



## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Hi all:

I am a betrayed spouse. Since learning of my husbands affair I am so distrustful. It did not help that he continued to lie about secret bank accounts, credit cards, burn phones and limited continued contact to discuss how I found out. 

We have been married for 20 years, I always thought my husband was honest to a fault. What a dope I was. 

Throughout the years in retrospect people have been trying to warn me, but I was blind and even defended him. 

He has boy's night out, but a friend told me she saw him with his arm around a pretty young blond. 

When asked he said she was a client and fat. Friend said it was not true, she was slim and pretty. Asked husband again, he scoffed and said it may have been a friend's wife. 

Also about 10 years ago, I found condoms in his gym bag. He said they were old from when he was single. It was the same gym bag he used when single and they did look old so I believed him. 

Now I feel like a fool. 

Also, he always went on men's only camping trips, but in recent affair he was going to use one of those as cover to take his gf on a trip for a weekend. 

Now i wonder if all men's camping trips were trysts

What do you think of the condom story and the camping trips?

Lastly, do you all feel that once a cheater always a cheater or do you think remorse can be real?


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

I think you're being gaslighted


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Numb-badger said:


> I think you're being gaslighted


Thank you. I know. I think so, too. 

The MC is not helping as she said I need to trust him. WTF.


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

Trust means transparency.

Do you have any forms of proof?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Why would you take him back at this point?

He appears to have been cheating and lying for years.

He fought hard for the affair and gaslighted you, actively worked hard to take it underground.

You've seen hs true colors, why do you think he is going to change at this point? He's had a lifetime of being this way. 

I disagree with your MC. You don't have to trust him. He needs to prove he is worthy of trust. You gave him blind trust for years, you gave him the benefit of the doubt when he got caught and said he stopped cheating. Only a real fool would just trust him at this point. He really needs to work on earning it and it might take years.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## borninapril (Jun 6, 2011)

Granted it'd been years since I used a condom, but the use to have expiration dates on the back of each condom. Look at them again and see if the dates recent or not.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Numb-badger said:


> Trust means transparency.
> 
> Do you have any forms of proof?


Yes. I have anonymous letter that outed him. A friend saw the OW stop me and talk to me before I knew of affair. She was with her daughter. I recognized her when the photograph of her was sent because she looks like a cousin with a very distinctive look and I noticed she looked like my cousin when she stopped to talk to me. 

I also have photographs of him with her. I have bank account number and credit card number. I found the burn phone and kept it.

I hate snooping I never snoop. 

My husband broke into my email to snoop on me though. Weird huh!

My husband has not hided the fact that he was cheating.


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

Shaggy is right.

Too much has been done.


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

To be honest, cheating spouses often get paranoid and check that you're doing. They want to make sure that you're not up to the same things as them.
It's almost a red flag in itself.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Why would you take him back at this point?
> 
> He appears to have been cheating and lying for years.
> 
> ...


Yes. The MC is not helping. I would be a fool to trust him. Why does she ask that of me? She needs to say to him what you said in your post. 

He claims he wants to work things out. I think it's only because I am trusting and cautious with our money and take care of his health and other things that wives do. 

But, I feel like something is off. I can't put my finger on it, but he seems to have this slit eyed look when he looks at me. It is creeping me out. He gets this look when he says i love you and when he asks for forgiveness.


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

Sounds like he's trying to figure how much you actually do know.
You need TOTAL transparency - everything.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Numb-badger said:


> To be honest, cheating spouses often get paranoid and check that you're doing. They want to make sure that you're not up to the same things as them.
> It's almost a red flag in itself.


A red flag for what? That he is still cheating?


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## sunshinetoday (Mar 7, 2012)

Well I can attest that some cheaters, just go crazy at the thought of the betrayed spouse paying them back with a revenge affair. 

So he could be afraid you are going Revenge Affair him, or he just wants to know what you know. Thus meaning he still could be cheating. 

Don't trust him, keep snooping...us betrayed's need cold hard proof!


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

It's very possible Sara -my WW was checking EVERYTHING I was doing while she was messing around and it's very common for cheaters to fear that they're being played at the moment they feel in control.
Or, as I said, he may be wondering how much you do know -meaning there may be things that he hs kept hidden.
Remember that he's a serial cheater and experienced - transparency is what you need.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I think he is playing you like he has done for years, and this is all just another move in the game.

He likely wants to know if you have any more tricks up your sleeve on catching him. He is looking to find out what you know and how you are doing it.

Where is the remorse and doing anything to fix the marriage? He is still maneuvering for advantage and the win.

Btw, if you do continue to try to R, it's full transoarency on all things from him, ands new therapist.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

I think you are all right on target. 

I need find another MC too, one that is wiser. I want to know if he has a personality disorder, and a good psychiatrist, MC should be able to figure that out


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## river rat (Jan 20, 2012)

Sara8 said:


> Thank you. I know. I think so, too.
> 
> The MC is not helping as she said I need to trust him. WTF.


WTF, indeed. First, be sure that he is no longer carrying on the affair. MC will not help as long as that is ongoing. Second, get another MC, who has experience in dealing w/ infidelity. This one obviously hasn't a clue. Third, re the condoms, you can't trust anything he tells you right now. He's in CYA mode. Maybe later, with the usual trickle truth that comes out, he'll be honest with you. But do not trust his words; he blew off your trust and has to earn that back. It is a long, painstaking process.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Thank you River rat. 

My head knows you are right, but my heart wants to cling to the image of the man I thought I married. 

I know I can't do that though. I need to start thinking with my head.


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