# Affair and now in love



## realtome (Jul 28, 2010)

I need some friendly advice. I have been unhappy in my marriage for over 7 years (married 15). I gave up my career to be home with my kids, so I have no income myself. I had an affair and have fallen completely in love with this other person. My spouse found out and is crushed. He is trying to make me commit to fix the marriage, which I do not want to do (or so I think anyway). He is now smothering me, trying to sleep in bed with me (he hasn't slept there in years, nor has he touched me). I tried for years to get him to work on our problems and after years of neglect, I gave up and truly believe he does not love me. My thoughts are that he wants to be with his kids and that is the only reason that he wants to stay married. I never even cheated on a boyfriend and am mortified that I allowed this to happen. Other than our relationship problems, he is a wonderful man and father, I just am not in love with him anymore.
I have never felt this way in any previous relationship (even my husband), I feel I found the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. We laugh, talk (and he actually listens) and can practically read each other's minds.
I am planning on seeing a therapist to sort out my feelings but I do not see that I will ever love my husband again. I have sacrificed everything for my kids but feel that being in a bad marriage is not good for them (or my husband and me). Although I truly believe I found the person I want to be with and he feels the same way, I want to make sure I am not acting like a love sick teenager. Too much is at stake. My husband swears he will do whatever I ask to fix this, but he has said this to me for years and never did a thing. He is begging me to stay with him and I am very confused. The other person is staying away from me to allow me to make up my mind. Neither of us wanted this to happen, the other man feels as bad as I do about this. We tried hard to stay away from each other, until I was separated and able to support myself, but were weak and gave in to our feelings.
I could use some words of wisdom..........from people that do not have involvement. I just do not know what it is that I want to do, or what is right. I gave up so much for my kids and the last thing I want to do is hurt them, or my husband, but I feel being in a bad marriage is worse than divorce. I want to be happy, but not at the expense of my kids...........so confused.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Hope you have an asbestos suit on hand, you're going to need it.

Odd, I don't quite know what's going on, but there is a rash of folks all of a sudden posting who are the betrayer's instead of the betrayed.

You asked for some specific advice. Here is mine based upon your request (relatively judgment free):

You screwed up.

Your husband screwed up first, and you paid the price by your account for a very long time. And you are right, what he is doing now is still all wrong. 

But ... you chose to actively lie to, and betray him. Do yourself a favor, don't ever try to justify the choice you made based upon your husband's treatment of you. It just doesn't wash. There is more than a hint of that mentality in your post
"I gave up my career"
"I have no income"
"I gave up so much"

Seems that you are stuck between guilt, and feeling like your life passed you by.

Going to tell you to do the same thing I would tell him, had he come here and posted about being crushed by the discovery that his wife was having sex with another man, and the degree and depth of the lies he was told as a result. Again, for simplicity sake that is the focus of the betrayed spouse (being one, I know) don't try to defend the affair based upon how you 'feel' about the other man.

You need to take care of yourself. You need to work on being the best person that you can and want to be, instead of feeling helpless, trapped, or like a victim.

So you made a bad choice. A pretty big one in the scheme of things. Now you have to make another choice - and it is all made much more difficult, painful, complex, and with higher stakes as a result of your first choice - the affair.

What I say next is going to sound dismissive, and/or condescending. It isn't meant to be. You have to trust me on this.

You are caught up in what is generally referred to as "the fog". All of the positive traits in your lover, and all of the negative traits in your husband are over-amplified. Of course you believe that this is the man of your dreams. He is the person that can save you from the misery, pain, and confusion, that your life has become. It's self delusion. So on that front - yes, you are acting like an infatuated high-schooler instead of a married woman and mother with all of the responsibilities that go with it.

Is your marriage recoverable? Probably. Outside of grotesque abuse, or other severe dysfunction, most broken marriages probably are. The big question that only you can answer is whether or not you are prepared for, or would make the commitment to save it. Same goes for your husband.

I'm sorry for your circumstances. They suck. I know. I've been through them. It's going to get far worse before it gets better, and in the midst of all the sh!t that is to come, your new relationship will undoubtedly suffer as well. They usually do.

Welcome to TAM. Take responsibility and ownership, and there isn't much more people can ask of you. 

Odds are most of the responses you get will not be "friendly advice". I'm guessing you already knew that, but chose to post anyway.


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

The note from Deejo is spot on,

Remember at this stage you think there is a future with the other man, there is NOT, if you are into statistics – affairs and future relationships with the OM do not work out, the excitement dies and you will have destroyed your family and self worth.

YOU must break the link with the OM permanently, whilst he is there your emotions say it is OK and you will not recover you marriage.

Really hard part for you but the correct thing to do is to send the OM a no contact letter 

http://www.affaircare.com/Articles/NoContact.htm

http://www.affaircare.com/Articles/SampleNoContact.htm

You husband must agree the contents with you.

Do stay on the forum and post regularly; there is lots of help here for you.


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## realtome (Jul 28, 2010)

Thank you for your input. I do need to take more responsibility, that I know. What you 2 said to me makes sense and that is what I need to hear....the truth - and it's not going to be pretty (I wasn't expecting sympathy - just the truth).
What you said Deejo makes perfect sense. My concern is that I _am_ in a fog and not seeing things for what they really are. That's why I posted. The few people in my life who know the situation are trying to help but they are involved and can't give me advice that does not show that involvement.
I am making an appointment with a therapist to help me sort through my feelings before I make any decision and I have completely broken off communication with the OM. The thought of not having this OM in my life is terrifying me, and breaking communication with his was as hard as telling my husband what I did, but I know I need to do this to get my head straight.
My most immediate concern is that my husband is all over me, asking me to please tell him that I am willing to stay in the marriage, apologizing for his roll in this all and so on. I am trying to get him to realize that we both need time to sort through this but he won't let up, which is putting too much on me. I don't want to lie to him (again), saying we will fix this if I am not sure that I am prepared to do so, and I am not.
I have tried to be truthful with him, stating that I am confused and don't want to make a decision until I get my thoughts straight, but he won't stop and it's making it very hard for me to get my thoughts straight. I can hear some of you,,,,,,,,you deserve what you get. Part of me agrees but the little defense I have is that I begged him for years to fix this and come to therapy with me. He promised to change for over 7 years and never did a thing. That does not excuse what I did, nothing does and I know that but I did try to get him to see that this was going to happen if I continued to feel unloved and ignored. No excuses.....I take full responsibility for what I did. I was wrong, I know that.
Luckily,my husband does not want to hurt our children and is handling this whole thing quietly.
I just want to try to fix the biggest mistake I have ever made..
Thank you for your advice - it's much appreciated.


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

Both of you should attend the sessions. What you are going through is not unique and it will get better as time goes by. Your H's behaviour is typical .

Your feeling as many woman in your situation feel, you have transferred your love to another man, trick now is to redirect to this to your H. The councellor should help with this. 



good luck


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## iamnottheonlyone (May 9, 2010)

Your husband needs to learn a whole lot in a short period of time. He is certainly doing the wrong things. He is doing what most people would think are the right things. But you can feel it doesn't help so ... it doesn't help. He has a lot of work to do. It appears he is willing to do the work. Send him here. We will work with him. As he knows what is up and at this point you appear to have been honest with him, it wouldn't hurt to work together. You can have a happy, healthy mariage with some great sex. Start down that path today.
I think that most people on this site believe that rekindling love is the first step. That is your biggest problem. The other problems can be worked on later. In order to get the fire started you have to put out the one that is burning now. You must end the affair. It is a dead end. You need to recognize it. It could be fun for a few months or a year. Then it will be regular life with the same problems. Don't fool yourself. So end the affair, then the two of you will work on learning to love again.


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## whynot (Apr 16, 2010)

Glad to hear you cut contact with the OM. Im one of the "betrayers" here, but my situation is different... no feelings. Do not cross that line! That line is what put you in the fog that you wanted to leave your husband, couldnt and still cant figure out if you love your husband etc. That is what most affairs do to women. I grew up identifying with men, so I think like a man and can separate it... it is what it is and nothing more. As the other posters said, it will fail if you were to pursue something with the OM... how on earth people actually believe an affair can be more baffles me. You and he were intwined in a lie, and blinded by the fantasy you were both providing to one another... of course it felt good.. you allowed it to feel real. NOW, GET OVER IT... ITS NOT REAL. Your marriage is real. Your husband made some huge errors and they hurt you and possibly made you fall out of love with him, but wow... he is all over you wanting to work it out in light of what happened? What a gem you have. Mine would kick me to the curb (which is frankly why I do what I do... bc he give less than a $hit about me).

get into counselling, forgive his past errors and laziness in working on things and see him doing so now. SOme people need a swift kick of reality in the rear to get moving in the right direction and you gave him his. 

Dont look back at your affair, it was fantasy, cannot be reality. Unlike others here, I think perhaps it was needed as a wake up call... AND NOTHING ELSE, bc your husband was lazily going through life before this.

Now focus on your family that has a fighting chance now, you lucky lady


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

You are already ahead of the curve in terms of those who cheat and post here. You told your husband what is going on instead of continuing to deny and lie, and you have broken contact with TOM, and he is respecting that. In classic affair craziness however, the fact that your husband is all over you, and TOM wants to let you sort things out - can actually continue contributing to your attraction to TOM. Be aware of this.

When the dust settles from this wreckage, you may in fact decide to end your marriage - and that is completely acceptable. Always unfortunate, but an acceptable choice. A choice my spouse and I made, and this is important - after the 'fog' had lifted. It wasn't easy, it wasn't clean, and it wasn't brief. Prepare for your next little trip now that you are in the 'club'. It's called the Roller Coaster.

The affair is not the cause of your marriage issues. It is the result of your marriage issues.

Make your decision for your marriage, based upon your marriage, not because you perceive something better is waiting in the wings.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

hi there, I truly am sorry for what is happening in your life, I'm a betrayed spouse myself and when I read your story my husband's words ring in my ears, a lot of similarities.....In the beginning my husband was leaving me for his OW because he just felt she was his shot a real happiness......he also didn't make much of an effort in our marriage and decided finding someone new would be the better choice for him......
It's a selfish choice and he also felt that he was justified because of the same decision you made that the marriage was over and that he had a right to be happy even if that hurt me and my boys......
That is "Fog thinking at best" once you realize that you compared all the bad things about your husband and all the good things about your OM, what shot did your husband have with you,
He seems to realize what his mistake was, isn't it up to you now to do the same thing......you made an error in judgement when you left your marriage vows to sleep with someone else......that was your decision alone and had nothing to do with your husband.....
I think sometimes affairs are a jolt into the reality of life and an opportunity to fix what is wrong in a marriage......
You could now have the best marriage you could have and have probably always wanted......really take a look at the promises you made in the marriage vows and ask yourself if you did everything you could do to protect it......read some books together, read this site, ask for help.......work together


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## realtome (Jul 28, 2010)

I can't thank you all enough for your input. Really...you helped me more than my closest friend........thank you.
I get what you all are saying. I know that I am still in this fog because I am convinced that the OM is where I belong. I am reading what you are saying but my brain is saying - that you all are wrong.......but my logic says that you ALL can't be wrong...so I must be. I am a very logical person and these thoughts are making me doubt my own logic. Before this mess, I was someone who could NEVER understand how a person could do this to their spouse, kids and extended family...I am a changed person in more ways than one and I know I can never go back.
I had a chance to see TOM today and would have, but I came to my senses before I got there. He wouldn't have let me anyway - his stance is if this is meant to be, it will be there when I get off of this roller coaster. This is a club I do not want to be in, but I am and I need to deal with it and act in a way that will make me proud (if that's possible) when this is all over with.
I think that the thing that gets to me is not one of you even hint at the fact that if I feel this strongly about TOM that maybe it IS meant to be.........something I can't seem to get past. Only I can get myself past that part.......when the fog clears, I guess.
Whynot...you gave me chills........I am lucky??? Maybe I am but I don't see that right now. Right now, I feel that I am nothing that I stood for, which to me is everything. I also feel that if I stay in this marriage, I will be unhappy forever...not feeling so lucky right now. But you really made me see this from another view - he is willing to stay with me and wants to fix it.........says a ton about what type of person I am married to. He really IS one of the best people I know...just wish I was still in love. In time I guess.
He has backed off today and is giving me some space, not much but better than yesterday, so it's a tiny bit better...baby steps.
I have read every response and am taking it all in - thank you for not slamming me.....I was kind of expecting (and deserving) it.
I will stay in touch here and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for your input. Lost, but determined to find my way back.


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

You are not alone..

look at the following thread this was EA yours I understand was a PA

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...ns-what-i-will-say-om-when-i-return-work.html

FYI 

Success rates for a life with TOM is very low. I would say in your case not likley to happen. Things fall apart, the fog clears and the reality sets in, even if you and H were seperated.


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## whynot (Apr 16, 2010)

You need to remember you still are that person, who made a mistake, one you thought you never would. AND, it will take time to see if you love your husband... you are still so clouded by the OM... you had a chance to see OM today should not even be in your vocabulary. You cannot work on your marriage and think about the OM the way you do... your husband (as others have said) cannot compete with fantasy. You will not be able to know if you do or if you can love your husband again until you make it crystal clear in your head that you cannot be in a future with the OM... you cannot make a relationship out of a lie.

Good luck...


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## realtome (Jul 28, 2010)

I am trying to get him to look at this site because he needs to see that what he is doing is driving me further away. He is asking me to please not leave him (like I can afford to go anywhere without a job) and to not destroy our family.
Hard part here is, in my head and heart, our marriage has been over for years now - it took me a while to get over the hurt from years of "love neglect". I finally got to the point that I want us to both be happy and move on from here and I was ok with that. Enter OM. My head is stuck on this OM and I have tried to contact him. He finally called me to say that we can't be together while I am in this situation and he doesn't want to communicate with me anymore. I am crushed by that but know he is right. I am trying to be strong, which I usually am able to do - right now I am very weak and just want him back - even though I know we can never be together like this.
Lost in my own fog and trying to find my way out....


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

Do yourself one BIG favour. Even if you do not like this.

Write a no contact letter to the OM 

Sample No Contact Letters

Let your husband see it and you post it with him..

Do so now, it is the first step in the healing processes . You already know that the OM is not there for you, he has already said this to you are just not listening.

The OM seems to undertand this so its time you do so to. *"He finally called me to say that we can't be together while I am in this situation and he doesn't want to communicate with me anymore."*You are wanting the OM and ignoring his request to leave him alone.

You are going to be in this rut and it will get worse until you start the healing. Ignoring this is NOT an OPTION.

The letter is for you to bring closure to the link you have with the OM. It tells you that you need to move on. The OM is not going to be in your life today, tomorrow and in the future, undestand this and know this.

Sit with your husband write the letter today.. and once you have done this go to councelling together.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

It takes about 6 months to get over an affair but that only happens if there is no contact between you and the OM.....this is a must.......
your husband might seem smoothering right now but you might thank him later for really making you think, what if he just said to you, okay you made your decision to love someone else, go, be happy and we will divorce and never see one another again......
You would have to start a new life.......
The OM did the right thing, now it's your turn......
You have to ask yourself, what is keeping you there, do you even want to be there, right now the way you are speaking it seems to us that you really aren't sure if you want to save your marriage.....
That's how it sounds to your husband too I'm sure.....
If you want out be strong like you said and go, if you want to save your marriage, be strong and do what is needed, this isn't somewhere you can live in between the two......
Go to a therapist, go to MC.....talk to your pastor.......
Your mother, a friend.......even if it's just us here to help you through your feelings......NO CONTACT is a MUST


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## realtome (Jul 28, 2010)

you are right, I don't want to hear any of this. I have to get to a therapist to get my real feelings to the surface as I can now see that I am still in fantasy land. I want the impossible. My mother is passed on but if she was here, she would tell me to do what makes me happy - that's what I have to figure out - what it is that is going to make me happy. It might be my husband........it might not.
Thank you for your support.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

realtome,

The problem with someone telling you to do what makes you "happy" is that right now you are in the fog and what makes you "happy" isn't necessarily real. Friends and family members telling you this are trying to help but they aren't being truthful.

Here is the truth they don't want to or just don't see. You made a mistake, one which you have courageously acknowledged, but you did cross a line. Now there are reasons you went to the line -- the underlying marriage issues. But you willingly crossed it -- your H didn't force you too. 

And maybe you told your husband what you needed -- or at least you think you did. But the way you communicated these things might not have been as clear to your H as they were in your head. My w said the same thing -- but her statements were vague and also at odds with each other at times. 

And you need to acknowledge your issues that contributed to the bad marriage -- your H isn't alone here.

I know your H is smothering you right now and that is pushing you further away but as others have said it is a natural reaction by either male or female.

But think about what you have in your H -- a person who knows you cheated and yet seems willing to forgive and get past that. There are many in the world that would have thrown your crap on the lawn and said get out -- the kids stay with me. Think about that quality of your H.

I would suggest a few books for you to get for you and your H. The Five Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman. Actually this is for both of you. For your H -- Being the Strong Man a Woman Wants by Elliott Katz. And Love Must Be Tough by Dobson. Also there is a good book by Michelle Werner.

And listen to Deejo --- he will give you straight non-judgemental advice.

What you choose to do with it is your business. You do seem to be a logical person which helps.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

realtome said:


> My head is stuck on this OM and I have tried to contact him. He finally called me to say that we can't be together while I am in this situation and he doesn't want to communicate with me anymore. I am crushed by that but know he is right. I am trying to be strong, which I usually am able to do - right now I am very weak and just want him back - even though I know we can never be together like this.


Here is the irony ...

You are doing to Mr. Right the same thing that your husband is doing to you - pursuing, pleading. It has exactly the opposite effect of what you hope for.

I will also include another anecdotal example that has shown up on this site plenty of times. I'm not saying it's your case, but it is something if you fail to consider - you could end up in even worse shape than your husband.

Mr. Right's insistence that "you can't be together this way." is one of two things, a seemingly honorable request for you to square your life away so you can move forward; or, it's the perfect means for establishing distance from his 'mark' whose affair has been discovered (thus ruining the little fantasy), and it's time to move on to the next. If you don't believe there are guys out there that LOOK for women like you, I have a bridge to sell you.

There have been numerous threads here where the betrayor has crapped all over the betrayed spouse believing they would ride off into the sunset with their lover - only to discover that they were being betrayed as well.

Just sayin'.

Get thee to therapy. Individual for now. Suggest that your husband do the same - individually. In time should you choose, you can attend counseling together.


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## Aussie969 (Aug 16, 2010)

realtome,

Would love an update on how things are going and what you've decided to do!


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