# My wife and sex - need some advice



## Videl2 (May 30, 2017)

Hi there. I am a 37 year old dude, happily married to my 41 yr old wife (married for year and a half). I am from Uruguay, and she is from Japan. We met over Skype (trying to practice languages), fell in love, and I moved to live with her to Japan.
Before I moved, she told me something curious. She said to me "my vagina is a bit lazy, I can't cum anymore". To which at that point, I took it as she flirting with me a bit.

Oh boy she wasn't...

When she was 20 years old, she told me she had lots of sex, enjoyed it a lot, and was able to reach orgasm through penetration in missionary position. But around that time, something exploded inside of her, and most if not all of her libido disappeared. She stopped having sex, stopped masturbating, etc. Zero interest in anything physical. She thinks it's only physical, but this time also matches when her first love, dumped her, probably creating that 
death of her libido in the process.

I should point out that we both got hormonal tests, and she got a very detailed reproductive organs examinations, and everything seems to be in working order. Which is why I am suspecting it's more psychological than physical.

We have a very active sex life, we have sex almost everyday. I can make her cum with my hands or mouth, but penetration seems to be either painful, no feeling, or pleasure but not-enough-to-cum-from-it type of thing.
She is at a point where she just wants to give up, and just have sex with me (even if painful) just to keep me happy, but I keep telling her the smart thing to do is not to endure sex, is to enjoy it, and so I convinced her to work on it until we get it right. Sex therapy is an option in the future, but we first want to try stuff ourselves.

We always do a bit of foreplay before sex (I deeply enjoy foreplay, and going down on her, and she finds that hard to believe  ), and after one day of a unusually long foreplay session, she had no pain at all (only a bit on her left side). Which makes me think that her "sex engine" is slower that how it used to be when she was 20, and that instead of 20 mins of foreplay we need 1 hour. We are going to try that tonight, and I already asked her to try to get in the mood before we even try. Masturbate on the bathtub, look at some porn, think about a Hollywood actor she finds super hot (damn you James Franco!) anything to get her gears turning.

I bought tons of sexy lingerie (she feels silly wearing it, but she always seems to have bigger orgasms when we roleplay something stupid) and I am planning on maybe buying a vibrator or something for her. I am always complimenting her about her looks and sexiness. But I have a deep feeling that she doesn't feel sexy as a woman. I mean one night, as a joke, I started singing in her ear Joe Cocker's "You are so beautiful to me" song, expecting to get a laugh out of her....only for her to start crying and telling me "I am happy you can see me beautiful".

Any ideas or suggestions at all?
Am I taking the right steps on this?

Thanks for your time!


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Videl2 said:


> Before I moved, she told me something curious. She said to me "my vagina is a bit lazy, I can't cum anymore". To which at that point, I took it as she flirting with me a bit.


LMAO. Wait - you think it's _*'flirting' *_when someone tells you their genitals no longer work? :surprise:
I never heard of someone's insides 'exploding' before. That's a new one.



> We always do a bit of foreplay before sex..


Lucky her - she gets a whole BIT of foreplay?

No wonder intercourse has been painful for her. You're rushing things.

Your idea of spending more time on foreplay is a great one. Don't be in such a rush all the time.


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## Videl2 (May 30, 2017)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> LMAO. Wait - you think it's _*'flirting' *_when someone tells you their genitals no longer work? :surprise:
> I never heard of someone's insides 'exploding' before. That's a new one.
> 
> 
> ...


She actually said that but in a very cute way 
What "exploded" (figuratively of course) was her libido. And if I get close to her I can still smell burnt :wink2:

I am never in a rush, she is, I am always happy to fool around for 2 hours, she however is more of a LETS DO IT NOOOOOW kind of person.
Convincing her to try it my way costed me a few arguments with her, but its well worth the try >


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## Hope Shimmers (Jul 10, 2015)

As long as you can make her orgasm by other methods than PIV, I don't see what the problem is. Apparently, some women can't cum that way without additional stimulation (I am not one of them, but I have read this on the forum over and over), so have you tried that while engaging in PIV?

Hopefully the additional foreplay may help but if it doesn't, then she should see her doc. I realize she already has had the whole gamut of tests, but those came back okay, so she might want to explore other causes. 



Videl2 said:


> I mean one night, as a joke, I started singing in her ear Joe Cocker's "You are so beautiful to me" song, expecting to get a laugh out of her....only for her to start crying and telling me "I am happy you can see me beautiful".


Honestly, I cannot begin to understand why you would think that SHE would think that was a joke. What about that was funny? Maybe there are some serious communication issues going on.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Sometimes people change and hormones and age can have an impact. Unless she is fully aroused her V may not expand enough to accommodate you without pain. Also a lack of lubrication, which can happen with ago, can make sex painful

If sex is painful it's probably common to want to move forward and get it done. It's the opposite of what is needed but understandable

2 things - orgasm through PIV isn't that important so it she center gets there she may not care much. On the other hand, you taking the time to look after her needs and help her with this, if you can do it without pressuring her, may help her relax over time and get more enjoyment from PIV


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## Primrose (Mar 4, 2015)

Does she have any children? 

Before my third child, I was able to climax every time if I was on top. After my third child (2 years ago), I haven't been able to a single time. I still greatly enjoy sex, but I just can no longer orgasm through penetration alone. I need constant clitoral stimulation.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

She should consider counseling. I would suspect conditions related to her failed love, which affect how she reacts to sex. 

The fact you say that vaginal sex has been painful to her suggests there may be some incidence tending towards vaginismus, which is often attributed to a subconscious reflexive fear of pain during vaginal sex. It is called a cycle of pain, where the fear of the pain causes the pain. It's also something which would not be found in a normal check up, because it is a reactionary issue only seen during sex.

It does sound as though she has some very troubling issues which are not resolved.

Good luck to you both.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

If she can orgasm, even if it from digital or oral play only, everything is working the way it should...orgasmically speaking.

If she has normal sexual responses, and she can orgasm so she does have normal sexual responses, but she has intermittent painful penetration, then the problem is muscular. Physiologically, she is having painful muscle spasms that are triggered by penetration.

There are several muscles that surround and support the vagina and uterus. One or more of those muscles goes into a spasm (triggered by penetration) and that can be very painful. See picture









The correct professional to see is a physical therapist. I'm kinda shocked that her GYN didn't recommend this already. She should make an appointment with a physical therapist who specializes in female pelvic floor dysfunction. The spamming muscles have to be identified and she will no doubt be given a "Thera-Wand" and taught to give herself internal massages to those specific muscles in order to get them to calm the hell down. From personal experience I can say it takes a week or more of daily internal massages, not all of which are painful but it's not at all like masturbation, before she starts to see her ability to tolerate and relax this muscles increase. 

That time you had extensive foreplay and she was able to tolerate and enjoy intercourse was because the extensive foreplay relaxed her muscles. From now on, no intercourse without extensive foreplay to ensure those muscles stay relaxed. Muscles spasms accumulate. The more often it happens, the less likely it won't happen. The trick is to not trigger them by relaxing them. Avoiding intercourse entirely, for fear she might spasm, is actually going to make it worse.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I think you are taking WAY too much responsibility for HER orgasm.  She needs to own it and figure out what the problem is. If she thinks there IS one.


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## Remee81 (May 24, 2017)

Hope1964 said:


> I think you are taking WAY too much responsibility for HER orgasm. She needs to own it and figure out what the problem is. If she thinks there IS one.




Why would her partner abandon her? So he should just worry about his own orgasm and pleasure, who cares how she feels? Wow, that is the most selfish advice I have ever heard in my life. That reply may as well have been titled: how to become single in record time and be an all around douche. 
OP: good for u for wanting to help your love. I think it's muscular too, pain wise. The vast majority of women cannot orgasm vaginally without clitoral stimulation, something like 80%. I personally can, but know many women who cannot, and just make sure they orgasm before penetration. They still thoroughly enjoy penetration even though it doesn't cause orgasm. She needs a doctor that can treat this muscle issue through physical therapy. Start with the OB/GYN and get recommendations from there.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Sometimes I think women do this sort of stuff, complain about pain and not wanting to, so later they can build a case to stop having sex and make you live with it.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Remee81 said:


> Why would her partner abandon her? So he should just worry about his own orgasm and pleasure, who cares how she feels? Wow, that is the most selfish advice I have ever heard in my life. That reply may as well have been titled: how to become single in record time and be an all around douche.
> OP: good for u for wanting to help your love. I think it's muscular too, pain wise. The vast majority of women cannot orgasm vaginally without clitoral stimulation, something like 80%. I personally can, but know many women who cannot, and just make sure they orgasm before penetration. They still thoroughly enjoy penetration even though it doesn't cause orgasm. She needs a doctor that can treat this muscle issue through physical therapy. Start with the OB/GYN and get recommendations from there.


Who said anything about abandoning her??? You do know I am a woman, right?

*I* find it incredibly insulting to be told that my husband is the one who is supposed to make sure I have an orgasm. You really need to educate yourself on female sexuality I think.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

jb02157 said:


> Sometimes I think women do this sort of stuff, complain about pain and not wanting to, so later they can build a case to stop having sex and make you live with it.


Now see this is where men go wrong. 

Painful intercourse is neither normal nor untreatable.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> Who said anything about abandoning her??? You do know I am a woman, right?
> 
> *I* find it incredibly insulting to be told that my husband is the one who is supposed to make sure I have an orgasm. You really need to educate yourself on female sexuality I think.


Are we taking the intent to orgasm? Because the intent to orgasm is totally on her.

Are we talking the way to orgasm? Because the way to orgasm is mostly on him.

I think we get mixed up because in this thread the husband has taken ownership of the intent and the wife has taken ownership of the way. He intends her to orgasm and she declares the way is blocked due to pain...pain that is treatable and temporary.


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## Remee81 (May 24, 2017)

Anon Pink said:


> Are we taking the intent to orgasm? Because the intent to orgasm is totally on her.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Exactly. I don't need an education in female sexuality...happen to be a woman and have sex frequently. Yes, the intent to O is mine, that's needs to be true. But DH is responsible for making it happen! Unless nothing but self masturbation gets a woman to O I think the husband is the one trying to get that done during sex. At least last night that was clearly my husbands intent. There has been an instance where I didn't O and he was very upset that he didn't please me. I would be upset if I couldn't give him one as well. That hasn't happened, guys usually don't have an issue with this, but I take that as my responsibility as his partner.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Too much linguistics. 

I do think a man should care that his woman enjoys sex. I won't have sex with my wife if she doesn't have an orgasm or several. 

There was an exception made for her surgery. I tried to tough it out with her. She had way too much fun teasing me mercilessly. 

But I think a guy should be all about making sure his gal is thoroughly enjoying herself. Her pleasure is what gives me pleasure.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Remee81 said:


> Exactly. I don't need an education in female sexuality...happen to be a woman and have sex frequently. Yes, the intent to O is mine, that's needs to be true. But DH is responsible for making it happen! Unless nothing but self masturbation gets a woman to O I think the husband is the one trying to get that done during sex. At least last night that was clearly my husbands intent. There has been an instance where I didn't O and he was very upset that he didn't please me. I would be upset if I couldn't give him one as well. That hasn't happened, guys usually don't have an issue with this, but I take that as my responsibility as his partner.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Right. But what happens when the husband puts his all into making it happen and his wife doesn't intend for it to happen? He feels dejected, not rejected, because he can't get her there. But we all know there are some times when it simply won't happen, for whatever reason. That's the situation when the husband has to realize sex isn't happening because she doesn't INTEND for it to happen. 

There is a book called Married Man's Sex Life Primer (or it could be No More Mr Nice Guy) in which the author states her orgasm is her responsibility. But what he fails to explain is that when there are problems in the sex life, and it's usually men who notice this because they're not getting laid, it's not always because he is a lousy lay. If she intends to orgasm she needs to work with him to get there.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Videl2 said:


> Any ideas or suggestions at all?
> Am I taking the right steps on this?
> 
> Thanks for your time!


No, keep it up.

Up and inside her.

She is one lucky women to have you!

Try testosterone shots for her. Let us know how this works out.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

The other issue:

She may be exaggerating.

She may have never been able to get an "O" from PIV.

The stats: ~25% of women cannot "O" from PIV. ~50% can, but not every time, some only occasionally. 

She may be in that first 25%. She may be embarrassed to admit this. Japan is a highly sexed society, very open sexually. She sought a husband out of that environment. See where I am going?

She is honest. Give her that. She sounds like a good catch.

On the Testosterone advice, it would be a low dose shot, say .25 ML every two weeks. Talk to the prescribing physician. After a few months trial see if it helps her libido. If not, stop using it.

Believe this, when that itch occurs, and it will, she will want you to take care of it. She will want to "O". 

We are rooting for you and for her. 

Women are complicated creatures. But they are so much fun to work with and on....


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I think each should make a real effort to help the other enjoy sex as much as possible (which is not exactly the same has having an orgasm). That is a little different from being "responsible" for someone else's pleasure. 

I think you are responsible for making the effort, but not for the results. 




WilliamM said:


> Too much linguistics.
> 
> I do think a man should care that his woman enjoys sex. I won't have sex with my wife if she doesn't have an orgasm or several.
> 
> ...


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## Remee81 (May 24, 2017)

Anon Pink said:


> Right. But what happens when the husband puts his all into making it happen and his wife doesn't intend for it to happen? He feels dejected, not rejected, because he can't get her there. But we all know there are some times when it simply won't happen, for whatever reason. That's the situation when the husband has to realize sex isn't happening because she doesn't INTEND for it to happen.
> 
> 
> 
> There is a book called Married Man's Sex Life Primer (or it could be No More Mr Nice Guy) in which the author states her orgasm is her responsibility. But what he fails to explain is that when there are problems in the sex life, and it's usually men who notice this because they're not getting laid, it's not always because he is a lousy lay. If she intends to orgasm she needs to work with him to get there.




I agree, the wife has to have the intent to orgasm. If I were to just sleep with DH because he wanted to and I didn't, that could cause me not to orgasm. For lack of a better term it takes concentration? Focus? But the rest is up to DH to get the job done and DH will always make sure it's done more than once before he finds his pleasure. Like William with his wife, DH finds great pleasure in making me orgasm. His words on this are "of course u have to want to orgasm in order to, but my job as ur lover is to give you pleasure and you make great effort to make sure mine is immense as well."


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

her vagina is lazy?

What does her dentist say???


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## OldManMage (Jun 6, 2017)

So nobody else has suggested this so I will. My Wife is on antidepressants, mid-forties, and had a total hysterectomy that screwed with her hormones While once in a blue moon I can get her to orgasm most other times it's a complete waste of time trying without assistance. Her body being "lazy" is actually a great way to describe it. This combination caused us to have a sexless marriage for years.

We've used different toys over the years but even her rather large thrusting, rotating rabbit hasn't been doing the job lately due to the meds. I asked her to masturbate after sex once and when I realized she couldn't even come that way I know it was bad. So I bought a Hitachi Magic Wand. Don't get one off Amazon, they're mostly knock-offs. If you want to know where I got ours message me.

You probably need two other things for a great experience with it. One is a router speed control or dimmer switch that can handle the power to slow it down. If you try this thing on its lowest speed without already being really aroused it's way too much unless you're a porn star. She likes the lowest speed for peak, not for build up. Also a head attachment with either a clit "tongue" or a gspot probe will help localize the vibrations exactly where they are needed.

Even so, sometimes it doesn't work for her, but at least I know when it can't get her off, there's nothing in this world that will.

I spent most of the day teasing my wife yesterday with sexy texts, pats on the ass, etc. to build anticipation - it always helps. 
Last night I got her really, really close on three occasions but never over the threshold. I honestly thought twice she had but apparently not. Once I'd climaxed and we'd layed talking for a few minutes with me thinking I'd got the job done - she even had aftershocks - she asked tentatively if I'd get the wand out. That's when you get to see the huge orgasm. Sometimes twice.

So yeah, ask her if she's open to a little help. I just about guarantee a lot of foreplay and a magic wand will put her on the moon! She'll think you're a sex god.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Wand is great but powerful. Used it the other night. We have rechargeable which has a lower power but still lowest setting is all we need


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