# Extramarital Affair is still going strong...



## whynot (Apr 16, 2010)

I posted a week or 2 ago about my being involved in an affair bc myhusband's refusal to have sex with me. It is working bc this OM and I are both scietifically minded and there is an understanding of our place and purpose. He instictively knows what to do with me to play out my fantasies... ones that my husband would never even dream of doing (and Im not talking S and M or anything... just in a car, or in the woods, in a grassy, deserted field...). There is talk, but its not to bond, its really just to fill time after sex. I leave the encounter feeling as though I have just come back from a month long vacation, and he feels similarly. The best part is not being called a sex fiend just because I want to have sex. I could also request second round and not be judged poorly! Then, he still wants it again... his wife would never do these things with him either. So this is filling that part of the 2 marriages that has been voided and discarded.

Im going to log in every once in a while to update how its going as many of you said it wasnt doable bc emotions would get involved or one of us would get caught. Do I care for this man... as much as I can I guess without knowing the rest of his life... I know what I need to... drug and disease free, not a freak, hot, wants alot of sex... all I need to know for this. I still believe this is a viable option to keep the respective marriages in tact in these situations... perhaps not everyone would be capable of this, nor would they have the safe opportunity presented here... nor could they keep detached enough yet enjoy each other enough to have a balance and boundary.

So far, so so good:smthumbup:


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

So then you've tried marriage counseling. When did you stop loving your husband?


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## losinglove (Dec 8, 2009)

Tick...tick...tick...


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## whynot (Apr 16, 2010)

Oh yes, tried the marriage counseling and he stopped because he didnt want to talk about sex, or negotiate a compromise for our sex life. I still see the therapist who is coaching me on how to act with an abusive and insecure man like he is. She says I have to acct and respond very carefully to him or he will punish the way he does.

I guess I forgot to mention that in addition to his refusal to have sex he also punishes and critiques everyday. If my children did not love him, I would be gone. The affair is a little slice of happiness in my life outside of parenting my children, who are my life.

I stopped loving him a while back, just couldnt take any more of his games and refusals and insults... putting me down all the time. I decided to take happiness into my own hands and this opportunity then presented itself.


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## bestplayer (Jan 23, 2010)

whynot said:


> I posted a week or 2 ago about my being involved in an affair bc myhusband's refusal to have sex with me. It is working bc this OM and I are both scietifically minded and there is an understanding of our place and purpose. He instictively knows what to do with me to play out my fantasies... ones that my husband would never even dream of doing (and Im not talking S and M or anything... just in a car, or in the woods, in a grassy, deserted field...). There is talk, but its not to bond, its really just to fill time after sex. I leave the encounter feeling as though I have just come back from a month long vacation, and he feels similarly. The best part is not being called a sex fiend just because I want to have sex. I could also request second round and not be judged poorly! Then, he still wants it again... his wife would never do these things with him either. So this is filling that part of the 2 marriages that has been voided and discarded.
> 
> Im going to log in every once in a while to update how its going as many of you said it wasnt doable bc emotions would get involved or one of us would get caught. Do I care for this man... as much as I can I guess without knowing the rest of his life... I know what I need to... drug and disease free, not a freak, hot, wants alot of sex... all I need to know for this. I still believe this is a viable option to keep the respective marriages in tact in these situations... perhaps not everyone would be capable of this, nor would they have the safe opportunity presented here... nor could they keep detached enough yet enjoy each other enough to have a balance and boundary.
> 
> So far, so so good:smthumbup:


There is nothing wrong with it if your husband approves of it because he knows he doesn't want to have sex with you . 

As a matter of fact most of the times for people who start an affair just for sex , it doesn't take long to fall for each other & dump their spouse because of lack of desire for their spouse .
There are so many stories on this site about that same scenario.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

I see a person who's willing to break their vow and lie to the one person in the world they promised to love faithfully until death, coming on here and saying how great this is working and it's saving two marriages. And yet neither spouse knows, both spouses would be hurt and have moral rights to leave their marriages, and this particular unfaithful person is justifying their wrong behavior by claiming that their spouse behaved wrong first. 

I'm sorry--I don't see anything beautiful here nor do I see any healthy marriages, functional families, or loving relationships. I see sex reduced to orgasm and I see people manipulating and using one other through dishonesty. And that's about all I see here. I can't honestly say that I'd boast too much if it were me, and you know what? It was. Unlike you, though, I'm ashamed of the way I behaved, and I did the hard work to either leave my marriage or fix it.


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## losinglove (Dec 8, 2009)

I'm just waiting for this one to blow up. Then will whynot be back here asking for advice on how to fix things?


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## whynot (Apr 16, 2010)

This seems very hard for you to understand. Its not the typical affair that happens when 2 disgruntled people meet and the emotions take over. There are clear boundaries set here that if either person develops feelings or has any inkling of the respective spouse not being priority, the affair ends. If I do decide to leave my spouse one day for reasons within my own marriage, the affair will also end as this man and I realize that a single and a married can only lead to trouble as a single person will want more. There is only talk to make plans and meet and then back to our respective lives. 

I guess its just a very different scenario from those who are on here to heal from an affair... there will be no healing bc there will be no hurt. The hurt is coming from the rejection by the spouses and that hurt os being healed here. I think the hurt comes into an affair when someone allows feelings to become strong for the OP and that OP becomes more important than the marriage. 

This is really just something that this man and I both need to get out of our systems and then will be done... actually sooner than you may think as its already almost out of my system. There are just encounters that my husband wont do that this man is doing and then Im done. It may seem shallow to those of you who are doubting this, but I went without sex for much of my adult life with my ex husband by mutual choice and my current husband opened up a sexuality in me that I didnt know I had and then he shut it out. 

My husband is already happier with our marriage and he is initiating more with me... it will all lead to the end of the affair very soon. As I stated already, this is only to make up for the sex that was promised by my husband and denied after the promise. Its not the typical affair like the one a friend of mine wants... I think he is actually hoping to find another woman to bond with and he thinks he will go into it just for the sex, but I think he will get too involved and make a mess of his marriage as a result. Im trying to warn him as he is needy sexually and emotionally and that will only lead him down a path he ought not take. I dont think he can handle the boundaries needed to keep his marriage in tact... nor do I think he will have the will to end it. That is the situation that most affairs are made of and it is disastrous.

Ill be back to say it has ended and my marriage is good once again


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Just wanted to ask a few questions to see how you were feeling, if you don't mind answering them!

I get that you think it makes your marriage better, but what happens when the OM's wife finds out and contacts your spouse?

Even though it isn't affecting your marriage ( so you say) what makes you think that its okay to disrupt someone elses? You don't even know if what the OM has told you is true.

What happens when your H does find out?? Does he get a "free pass" to sleep around also??


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Well you have come to a forum with dozens of people who are trying to recover from their spouse's betrayal (Including me) and seem perplexed that they don't see your point. Your very post is riddled with self denial, rationalization a lack of commitment to your vows as a spouse.




whynot said:


> This seems very hard for you to understand.


Yes it is, we've been on the receiving end of a cheating spouse.



whynot said:


> Its not the typical affair that happens when 2 disgruntled people meet and the emotions take over.


Denial



whynot said:


> There are clear boundaries set here that if either person develops feelings or has any inkling of the respective spouse not being priority, the affair ends.


Rationalization. Interesting you would discuss boundaries. Your marriage had them also.



whynot said:


> If I do decide to leave my spouse one day for reasons within my own marriage, the affair will also end as this man and I realize that a single and a married can only lead to trouble as a single person will want more.


I don't know of any studies that show that marrieds wont want more also. Your argument has no merit.




whynot said:


> There is only talk to make plans and meet and then back to our respective lives.


For now.



whynot said:


> I guess its just a very different scenario from those who are on here to heal from an affair... there will be no healing bc there will be no hurt.


Not in your mind because you have rationalized this all to your advantage. If no one will be hurt then step up to the plate and prove it. Tell your husband, your children, your family members, friends and co-workers of the affair. Then tell us no one was hurt. 




whynot said:


> The hurt is coming from the rejection by the spouses and that hurt os being healed here. I think the hurt comes into an affair when someone allows feelings to become strong for the OP and that OP becomes more important than the marriage.


Why, you've already proved your needs are more important than the marriage. And if you tell your husband you have no feelings for the other man I'm sure he will be perfectly fine with him stuffing his penis into you. Rationalization.



whynot said:


> This is really just something that this man and I both need to get out of our systems and then will be done... actually sooner than you may think as its already almost out of my system.


Until the next time, rationalization and denial again.



whynot said:


> There are just encounters that my husband wont do that this man is doing and then Im done. It may seem shallow to those of you who are doubting this, but I went without sex for much of my adult life with my ex husband by mutual choice and my current husband opened up a sexuality in me that I didnt know I had and then he shut it out.


Interesting, why did your first marriage fail? Just for the record during our recovery period, my wife shut down sexually for two years. That didnt' give me a license nor desire to cheat on her. My choices were simple, stay and try and recover the marriage or leave it and move on. Finding a F*** Buddy wasn't on the list of options.



whynot said:


> My husband is already happier with our marriage and he is initiating more with me... it will all lead to the end of the affair very soon.


Quite simply you haven't covered your tracks. He suspects the affair.



whynot said:


> As I stated already, this is only to make up for the sex that was promised by my husband and denied after the promise. Its not the typical affair like the one a friend of mine wants...


You seem to always gloss over your promise to your husband to be faithful. Rationalization.



whynot said:


> I think he is actually hoping to find another woman to bond with and he thinks he will go into it just for the sex, but I think he will get too involved and make a mess of his marriage as a result.


So you recognize you are putting another marriage at risk. OBTW, he has already made a mess of his marriage. 



whynot said:


> Im trying to warn him as he is needy sexually and emotionally and that will only lead him down a path he ought not take. I dont think he can handle the boundaries needed to keep his marriage in tact... nor do I think he will have the will to end it. That is the situation that most affairs are made of and it is disastrous.


Yet you continue to sleep with him. If know he desires to bond with another then you are leading him on also. A master of deception to him and your husband



whynot said:


> Ill be back to say it has ended and my marriage is good once again


I'm sure you can rationalize that also.

Sorry you might find some more sympathetic ears on adultfriendfinder.com


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## Chiggity (Mar 26, 2010)

:iagree:
Your ignorance of your own situation is as astounding as your utter lack of character and commitment to your husband.

No, you can't claim that it is all a very well orchestrated and healthy relationship with boundaries, because that's what your MARRIAGE was supposed to be. And yet you dishonestly and selfishly flew in the face of those boundaries and commitments.

You're living a lie, and you're not addressing your sexual needs with your husband (The only man you should be addressing them with, mind you) you're letting the real marital problem go unattended while you pile deceit and disloyalty on top of it all.

This is not healthy, this is not okay, and this is certainly not some special unique situation.


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## NightOwl (Sep 28, 2009)

I will add just one thing: how will your children feel when (not if, when) they find out about your arrangement?

Do you think they're going to care about how good it makes YOU feel when they are dealing with their own pain?

If you care about them so much you should, at a minimum, do what is honorable FOR THEM. I really have no idea why you think divorce is not an option but cheating is.


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## whynot (Apr 16, 2010)

I understand that this is the wrong board now. You all are assuming that I am the evil doer because I did what your spouses did to you. AND you are also assuming that I am the only one who broke the promise. The only reason my first marriage is relevent is because my current husband knew how little sex I had over those 12 years and kept promising to be the one who would fulfill all my sexual needs and wants. The day after the wedding, I found out he lied. He just wanted to get married so I couldnt go be with someone else... he thinks of me as a possesion. He had no intentions of providing sexuality to me any more... he was free to say no to me because I had no where I could go and he could keep saying no all he wanted. Im sorry but purposely denying a promise is just as bad if not worse than wht I did... it took me a long time to decide to do this and I lived and waited for my husband to come around and finally have sex and not withhold it for punishment anymore... Thats right, he was deliberately withholding it to punish me bc he knew I wanted it... he even told me this. All along I have been providing all of his needs in hopes he would come around, and he did not.

I wish everyone would stop pointing fingers at all "cheaters" bc they are "cheating" for a reason and that reason starts with the spouse most of the time. As much as it hurts you to find out about the affair, it was hurting us for years before we had one... please think about that. You think children cant see THAT hurt? Then go hug your spouse for actually trying desperately to find a way to stay married to you in spite of your refusal to have sex. 

Im sorry you all ahve been so hurt by what has happened to you... but part of your healing process will be to look harshly at your contribution to your straying spouse. Then, perhaps you wont be so quick to judge anymore. Good luck to all of you and your marriages. If you stay stuck in the blame only being on your spouse, you are going to need it.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

whynot said:


> I understand that this is the wrong board now. .


Personally I don't think it will make much difference where you post this within the forum, you're not going to find many here that agree with your point. This very thread abounds with contradictions, denial, justifications, rationalizations of a behavior that is abhorred by most here. I won't try and dissuade you any further as you won't change because your situation is "special" so vows don't apply to you. I am truly sorry you married a man that is so course, cruel and controlling. I really am, my point is that you should divorce him on those grounds and move on with your life. I don't care how you slice and dice it an affair is not an acceptable solution to problems in the marriage.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Amplexor said:


> ...I don't care how you slice and dice it an affair is not an acceptable solution to problems in the marriage.


:iagree: :iagree: :iagree: :iagree: :iagree: :iagree:


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## losinglove (Dec 8, 2009)

whynot, you obviously have not read any other thread here. There are those who have been betrayed and those that have cheated here. One of the things in every "betrayed" thread is that what have they done to contribute to the situation.

There is NO justification for cheating.


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## Chiggity (Mar 26, 2010)

You come onto this board, designed to help waywards, victims and lovers alike cope with the damage of infidelity...

And yet you obtusely post about the wonderful special and completely unique affair you are engaged in and declaring as the best thing in your life. Then you act shocked and counter-judgmental when we start to call your story out for what it is... a common time-bomb situation, born of selfishness and self-deception.

The advice offered here, for you to reconsider your actions and pay consideration towards how they effect others in your marriage is some good tea for your soul.

You should also consider how your family and friends would react knowing even what you posted here justifying your actions...
Do you think they would condone your behavior, even given what you have said?


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## Chiggity (Mar 26, 2010)

Also worth noting that if the totally flamboyant cluelessness you exhibit here is any indication of your attitude towards your own marriage...

Well, no number of pointed observations or insults anyone here could hurl at you can even measure up to the laughable insult you deal yourself.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

My intention is not to judge you at all, I just wondered those specific questions. As for my H's affair, it had little to do with me. He got back from Iraq, had a small touch of PTSD, fell into a depression and refused to get help. Nothing I could do by him was right. A year later he had an EA and a PA with a girl while in a school and I was raising our two kids. It had nothing to do with him not getting sex. He was the one refusing to have it with me. It had nothing to do with my mistreating him on some grand scale. He didn't want help. He wanted to be miserable. Shortly after he came out of his little world and realized the damage he had done he decided just to not tell me. A year and a half later the OW's husband told me. And here I am. He was not inflicted with any pain that I had caused. He wasn't sexually denied. He flat out turned into an a**hole and cheated. And he has tried to flip the table on me but when we talk he realizes that I was honestly doing all I could do, he just wasn't having it. 

If you don't want people to generalize all cheaters, you can't generalize all betrayed spouses either.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

whynot said:


> I understand that this is the wrong board now. You all are assuming that I am the evil doer because I did what your spouses did to you. AND you are also assuming that I am the only one who broke the promise. The only reason my first marriage is relevent is because my current husband knew how little sex I had over those 12 years and kept promising to be the one who would fulfill all my sexual needs and wants. The day after the wedding, I found out he lied. He just wanted to get married so I couldnt go be with someone else... he thinks of me as a possesion. He had no intentions of providing sexuality to me any more... he was free to say no to me because I had no where I could go and he could keep saying no all he wanted. Im sorry but purposely denying a promise is just as bad if not worse than wht I did... it took me a long time to decide to do this and I lived and waited for my husband to come around and finally have sex and not withhold it for punishment anymore... Thats right, he was deliberately withholding it to punish me bc he knew I wanted it... he even told me this. All along I have been providing all of his needs in hopes he would come around, and he did not.
> 
> I wish everyone would stop pointing fingers at all "cheaters" bc they are "cheating" for a reason and that reason starts with the spouse most of the time. As much as it hurts you to find out about the affair, it was hurting us for years before we had one... please think about that. You think children cant see THAT hurt? Then go hug your spouse for actually trying desperately to find a way to stay married to you in spite of your refusal to have sex.
> 
> Im sorry you all ahve been so hurt by what has happened to you... but part of your healing process will be to look harshly at your contribution to your straying spouse. Then, perhaps you wont be so quick to judge anymore. Good luck to all of you and your marriages. If you stay stuck in the blame only being on your spouse, you are going to need it.


Here's the truly funny part, whynot. I was a disloyal spouse. My Dear Hubby hurt me, and I'm not saying he was blameless or that I'm a horrible person for being unfaithful. What I *AM* saying is that I've wised up enough to know that I was lying to myself. I was also brave enough to look at my own self squarely in the face and take responsibility for choosing to be unfaithful rather than blaming my husband. You see, even if he is completely a JERK and a (insert more colorful expletives here), his wrong behavior in no way justifies my choice to do something so very destructive. 

The wiser, more mature method of dealing with the issues is to be a person with the character to admit they were wrong and return to honoring the covenant they made. If you decide to not honor that covenant, at least respect your spouse enough to divorce them and tell them why...and then take the responsibility for your choice to break up a family. 

At this point we are not generalizing disloyal spouses. We've seen some that are so stubborn they absolutely will not face themselves no matter what--and we've seen some that have the courage to take personal responsibility and end their marriage--and we've seen some who have the deep personal character to admit the mistake and return to their marriage, and then work on it so that now it's happier and more loving than ever! We've seen loyal spouses who don't leave the marriage because they are abusive, controlling jerks--we've seen some that had the courage to end a marriage when they found out their partner was unfaithful--and we've seen some who had the raw GUTS to take it to the chin and be an example to their lost spouse about how to return to the marriage and make it happy! 

What we ARE saying is this: Blaming your spouse for *YOUR* actions won't fly here. You decided this and your spouse's behavior may have contributed to vulnerability, but it is NOT his fault. You can't justify your choice to do what you know is wrong (have an affair) on him or his behavior. Period. It's not that this is the "wrong board." It's that what you are doing is morally and ethically wrong, and you're compounding that with lack of personal responsibility.


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## created4success (Apr 9, 2010)

Affaircare said:


> I see a person who's willing to break their vow and lie to the one person in the world they promised to love faithfully until death, coming on here and saying how great this is working and it's saving two marriages. And yet neither spouse knows, both spouses would be hurt and have moral rights to leave their marriages, and this particular unfaithful person is justifying their wrong behavior by claiming that their spouse behaved wrong first.
> 
> I'm sorry--I don't see anything beautiful here nor do I see any healthy marriages, functional families, or loving relationships. I see sex reduced to orgasm and I see people manipulating and using one other through dishonesty. And that's about all I see here. I can't honestly say that I'd boast too much if it were me, and you know what? It was. Unlike you, though, I'm ashamed of the way I behaved, and I did the hard work to either leave my marriage or fix it.


I agree AC.

*But, I just don't get it. *

The initial poster (& the guy she's having the affair with) want to continue their sex-based, non-commital relatonship in order to keep their marriages together?

Am I hearing that right or am I totally missing something?


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## whynot (Apr 16, 2010)

Thanks for helping narrow this down. Im not blaming my spouse at all. I take full responsibility for my action. I wish I didnt have to do this and never would have done this in my first marriage. I cannot divorce, it is not an option. I have lived sexless before and know that for me, not having sex has grave ill effects on my health... some of which had been creeping back into my life. Now that I am sexual again, my health has dramatically improved.

Im sorry if my rant about my husband was interpreted as me blaming him... its just how hurt and betrayed I feel, not why I am doing what I am doing. I made a deliberate choice to take my happiness into my own hands. I tried masturbating and it could only do so much. I need that connection that comes with sex.

I tried to do the hard work with my spouse and he would not participate after a few weeks. So I continued going to better myself. My therapist wanted me to leave and in the face that I could not for a variety of reasons began coaching me on how to stay and dodge his bullets and accept his selfish ways as who he is. I was beginning to feel my health decline (asthma was coming back and some other things) and so I said enough, I have to make myself happy in the face of a husband who is not interested in anything that has to do with me... he literally wanted to get married to take himself off the market or something... he was tired of sleeping around with all those women he had before me. Hell, he may be having an affair and I would never know (he said that to me a while back). I noticed there was at least one other poster on here who had a husband such as mine but I havent seen her posts lately (Ive been lurking for a long time).

Anyway, created4success... you read correctly and its working very well. The man is reporting that things are good at his home and there have been no fights here either... that is a huge improvement. Its nicer to be here now and I actually want to come home and can do so without tears in my eyes from nothing else having worked prior to this. I tried everything and this is the only thing that has had results in a positive direction.


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## created4success (Apr 9, 2010)

whynot said:


> I have to make myself happy in the face of a husband who is not interested in anything that has to do with me.


I can't imagine being trapped (is that the right word?) in your world & dealing with what you do...



whynot said:


> I tried to do the hard work with my spouse and he would not participate after a few weeks. So I continued going to better myself.


Kudos to you for attempting to work on your marriage with your spouse--it's unfortunate that he made a poor choice in deciding not to work with you.

I believe that when you work on yourself and take responsibility for your own happiness, you can't go wrong, which is what I see you doing 

(I just had a hard time relating to what you're saying and remaining married while having an affair)


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

whynot said:


> I still see the therapist who is coaching me on how to act with an abusive and insecure man like he is. She says I have to acct and respond very carefully to him or he will punish the way he does.


:rofl:

Yeah. YOU are having the affair and HE is the abusive one.

Good one.

Look. If he's a piece of sh*t, act like a moral, responsible adult and LEAVE HIM.

BEFORE YOU CHEAT.

Great lesson to teach those kids you love so much.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

whynot said:


> I wish I didnt have to do this and never would have done this in my first marriage. I cannot divorce, it is not an option.


Why? 

Because it hurts you financially?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Does your therapist know you are committing adultery?


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## created4success (Apr 9, 2010)

turnera said:


> Why?
> 
> Because it hurts you financially?


T: good question, I was wondering the same thing.

My thoughts are: get out of the marriage and build your other relationship, or state committed in your current marriage and stop the affair. I truly understand your reasoning (as you said earlier) and I realize you must be in an incredible amount of pain.

However, not only is the affair not a good example/model to set for your kids (as others have said), but its not healthy for you in the long run, despite how it may distract you from your horrible marriage.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

created4success said:


> My thoughts are: get out of the marriage and build your other relationship


So you are suggesting she go ahead and wreck the other marriage too????? :scratchhead:


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## MysteriousFelinka (May 1, 2010)

And why exactly you guys think that given this person's situation the best solution is divorce?


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## created4success (Apr 9, 2010)

Amplexor said:


> So you are suggesting she go ahead and wreck the other marriage too????? :scratchhead:


My belief is to always reconcile when possible, unless it's an abusive relationship. Under these circumstances, it's difficult to know what exactly should be done, which is why I've posed the question earlier: what do you want to do? And no, I do believe in wrecking another marriage, btw, which is horrible.

What would you suggest is the best course of action?


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

MysteriousFelinka said:


> And why exactly you guys think that given this person's situation the best solution is divorce?


Honestly? I don't believe that's the best solution by a long shot! 

*Being honest with her spouse is 100% a better option than having an affair!!!!*

The OP's spouse is not hear to give his point of view, and subsequently anything we hear "about him" is more or less what I would call hearsay, because it is a very frequent tactic for someone doing something they KNOW is wrong, to justify it by claiming XYZ horrid behavior by their spouse...but conveniently forgetting to mention their 123 behavior that contributed! 

(Take for example the very real example of one person's spouse who went to their employer to say they were leaving their spouse and getting a divorce. When asked why, it was because he was angry, yelling at her, and telling her relatives HORRIBLE things about her. She did conveniently forget to mention to her employer that she was having an affair--and that her spouse yelled the day he found out, and told her relatives because he was so upset he was crying.)

Therefore, I can only base my assessment on what the OP has said and written, and all of her writing indicates she is not happy...but rather than face that, deal with it honestly, and honor her vows--she has decided to blatantly have an affair and then come on a marriage board and boast about "how well it's going." None of that behavior is mature or wise, and there is not one wit of personal responsibility in anything she says. Soooooo....that being the case, my advice to her would be that *it is infinitely better* to be wise, deal with the problems in the marriage in a mature way, face them in a healthy way, and then reach the conclusion that it's best to honorably divorce and accept responsibility for her choices...than it is to be selfish, blame the problems in the marriage in an immature way, avoid facing them by acting in an unhealthy way, and then purposely dishonor your vows and come to a board to blame others and gloat. 

The BEST solution would be to admit she's wrong, confess her affair to her husband, face the problems in the marriage and see if he will work with her, honor the commitment of her vows, and go to counseling to work on her own personal issues (not the least of which is lack of taking personal responsibility). That way, even if he is a complete jerk, she has taken responsibility for what she's done wrong, she has faced the problems she contributed and worked on them, and she has done her own work on her own self. There's much more she could do, but just by doing all that changing, it could affect the marriage IMMENSELY!!

Another solution that is not "the best" but would be a more acceptable, mature, healthy solution (better than having a physical affair and claiming 'how great it is') would be to at least end her marriage and then find another person after the divorce is final.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

created4success said:


> My belief is to always reconcile when possible, unless it's an abusive relationship. Under these circumstances, it's difficult to know what exactly should be done, which is why I've posed the question earlier: what do you want to do? And no, I do believe in wrecking another marriage, btw, which is horrible.
> 
> What would you suggest is the best course of action?


A. End the affair, reconcile with her husband.

B. End the affair, divorce her husband and and find some one who is.... hmmm, Unmarried


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

created4success said:


> My belief is to always reconcile when possible, unless it's an abusive relationship. Under these circumstances, it's difficult to know what exactly should be done, which is why I've posed the question earlier: what do you want to do? And no, I do believe in wrecking another marriage, btw, which is horrible.
> 
> What would you suggest is the best course of action?


 Get you and your spouse into therapy, where you can talk honestly and productively to each other to get to the point where you get what you want out of your MARRIAGE, rather than ruining two marriages.

In other words, use MORALS.


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## blueyes (Mar 25, 2010)

Whynot, I am sorry for all your pain, I had a similar situation, but yours is worse. Why is divorse not an option or leaving at least. I was ready to leave. Some people on here have a pretty holyier then though
attitude and then blame the cheater for everything just try not to take offence to it they do have good advice. I read a book about 2 or 300 women having double lives like yours and they to said it worked and saved their marriages. I tell u I really don't know it would take a certain kind of person not to get emotionally attached. I don't think I could do it, I couldn't even kiss my EA but I wanted to still do, and I'm still miserable so good luck to u. What ever works for u so u can have a little happiness, but u should really loose your husband if he treats u like that no matter what and not because of the other man.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

blueyes, here is the thing. 

Is your husband innocent in creating a bad marriage? 

Of course not. 

But did he cross the line and cheat and break his vows?

No.

THAT is the difference. THAT is why you get a holier than thou attitude from us. YOU chose to CHEAT, rather than fix your marriage or divorce, and THEN date someone else.

Lots and lots of people find themselves getting attracted to another person when their marriage is rocky. But most of them DENY that urge to cross the line.

Now...when you realize what you did was wrong, and then STOP the activity, well then you're almost back to good. It's when you don't stop, and keep cheating, that people will harrass you and try to knock sense into you.


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## created4success (Apr 9, 2010)

> Get you and your spouse into therapy, where you can talk honestly and productively to each other to get to the point where you get what you want out of your MARRIAGE, rather than ruining two marriages.


I agree and still stand by this.



turnera said:


> blueyes, here is the thing. Lots and lots of people find themselves getting attracted to another person when their marriage is rocky. But most of them DENY that urge to cross the line.


I don't remember if I said this in this thread or not, but life in general and marriage in particular is about choices. Turnera's got it right saying that so many are tempted when things get tough, but choose to remain committed. 

If another choice is made -- a poor, short-term decision that is largely self-gratifying in nature -- long-term detrimental consequences will occur.

Unfortunately, I think that's what we're seeing here now...


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## whynot (Apr 16, 2010)

Ok, lets clear a few things up...
We went to therapy, husband dropped out because he didnt want to talk about sex. He doesnt want to talk about sex because he doesnt want to have it with me... specifically because he knows I want it with him, he uses it as leverage. My husband only wants to do what he wants to do, period. He also expects me to do whatever he wants me to do without complaint. He didnt think I would leave the marriage so he continued to say no for sex and watch more and more specific porn. I confronted him about the porn and said he is choosing that over a willing wife and that is not right either. He probably had another woman... as he told me he could go [email protected] someone and I would never know.

It seems to me that most on here think I havent tried everything... even my therapist believes I have tried everything and is stumped as to his selfish ways... she believes he needs to be in such control, that it has gotten out of hand. He is highly conflicted with intimacy from having a cold mother... in fact he is happiest when I am a distant wife... go figure, thats what makes him comfortable. Im now ok with that, and know what to do to make our marriage work... we have more sex now than before because Im not initiating... he wants to be the one to do it, but few and far between... and use as punishment as well (withholding). Sex to him is not an expression of love, its about power. I married someone I didnt know, I thought I knew who he was. The man I fell in love with was awesome, loving my best friend, but it was all an act to get me to marry him. So I have figured out how to make him happy so we are happy and also a way to make myself happy. Divorce is not always the best option, neither is telling your spouse about extracurricular activity.

Why is it that others believe that divorce is better than an affair that helps keep everyone happy and together? Im also not so sure if coming clean does anything but devastate the other people... why would you want to hurt someone like that... to clean your own conscience? To me its deleiberately causing pain to someone... you can have a good marriage and not know everything about each other. If you arent going to leave your spouse for the other person, why would you inflict that on them? That to me is more selfishly motivated than an affair can be.... people with that kind of guilt shouldnt be having an affair to begin with.... you have to be emotionally sound to go into one... but most start with a depressed spouse who gets attention form an outside source and likes that attention bc it makes them feel better. That is not what is going on here.

And just to update, everything is still going well and my marriage has greatly improved over the last few weeks. Im sorry to not fit the mold on here. I thought I would be providing a little insight into why a person seeks an affair and if it works, but my affair is obviously very different from the ones that have devasted those of you on here who feel a need to attack and correct me instead of take the information for what it is... information.

I am psychologically in tact, not a narcissist, just someone who had tried everything else to save my marriage and find the man that I thought I married, and who had promised me that he would be the man to get the sexuality I craved out of my system and then said "too bad, I guess I lied, deal with it." So instead of sinking into a depression which was starting to happen... I pulled myself up and found my happiness... (the key here is I pulled myself up first, before entering this... did nto rely on the other person to make me feel good about myself) and everything seems to be better for it. The man I fell in love with is breaking back out of his shell... that is all I care about. Its not traditional, its not what I ever thought I would do, but its the reality that is working for us.


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## losinglove (Dec 8, 2009)

You having the affair is selfish. What is a marriage without honesty, your marriage is built on lies. You think your husband will never find out? When that day comes do you think it will hurt him less than if you went to him and was honest?

You should listen to AffairCare. She has been on both sides of the fence, so don't take what she says so lightly. Your affair is destructive. It may look good now, but the clock is ticking.


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## losinglove (Dec 8, 2009)

One other thing, your affair "does not fit the mold" because it is still hidden. If it is the best thing that could have happened to your marriage why are you so willing to keep it hidden? Why not bring it out into the light of day? Because it is like a ****roach and will run for cover when the lights come on, that's why.


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## whynot (Apr 16, 2010)

Created4success, I specifically stated what I want to do... I do not want to divorce. It kills me to see my husband in the state he is in and being so mean to me, friegtening actually. I want the man I love back, and this is helping him come back. I dont understand why, but it is. I even asked him why now, why are you being more interested in me now and not before. He said he doesnt know and just is. So either he was having an affair or its the fact that Im more distant from him.... which is how he likes his relationships to be since that is what is familiar to him... that part is too psychologically deep for him to understand or acknowledge. He wouldnt want to know that about himself, so he doesnt allow himself to know.


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## whynot (Apr 16, 2010)

Losing love... I wouldnt mind if it came into the open, but Im not deliberately going to cause him pain... he is more worried about disease than having another person, he told me that. I have been insistent on having an open marriage because he wont have any sex that isnt initiated by him and then will pretend like he is going to have it and then retract it. In a way, I have announced my intentions.

Its blowing smoke here. Im not going to get lured in and become defensive about this. Im sorry that most of you are at extreme odds over what is going on.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

whynot said:


> Why is it that others believe that divorce is better than an affair that helps keep everyone happy and together? Im also not so sure if coming clean does anything but devastate the other people... why would you want to hurt someone like that... to clean your own conscience? To me its deleiberately causing pain to someone... you can have a good marriage and not know everything about each other. If you arent going to leave your spouse for the other person, why would you inflict that on them? That to me is more selfishly motivated than an affair can be.... people with that kind of guilt shouldnt be having an affair to begin with.... you have to be emotionally sound to go into one....


:rofl: OMG whynot, you're a hoot. Keep em coming, I wait in great anticipation. :rofl:


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## whynot (Apr 16, 2010)

blueyes said:


> Whynot, I am sorry for all your pain, I had a similar situation, but yours is worse. Why is divorse not an option or leaving at least. I was ready to leave. Some people on here have a pretty holyier then though
> attitude and then blame the cheater for everything just try not to take offence to it they do have good advice. I read a book about 2 or 300 women having double lives like yours and they to said it worked and saved their marriages. I tell u I really don't know it would take a certain kind of person not to get emotionally attached. I don't think I could do it, I couldn't even kiss my EA but I wanted to still do, and I'm still miserable so good luck to u. What ever works for u so u can have a little happiness, but u should really loose your husband if he treats u like that no matter what and not because of the other man.


Thanks for understanding. Divorce is not an option because Im not going to move my kids around because of a man. When all of us are together, he is a man that my kids love and look up to as he doesnt treat them like he does me, nor does he treat me poorly in front of them. He is the role model stepdad I wanted for my kids. 

Its good that you recognize you are not the kind of person who could do this. My best friend would love to also, but knows that she cant do that. This is not for anyone who needs attention for lack of it from the spouse... you have to be ina strong place emotionally or it could easily sweep you off your feet and replace the number 1 priority which is the marriage... thats when it gets ugly. This is just to get the sex out of my system that I didnt have for years and years... 

I asked my husband if he felt like sex isnt important anymore because he got it out of his system being single all these years... and he said yeah, I think I did get it all out of my system. I said well, I didnt (I said this a long time agao too and he said he wanted to help me get it out of my system). He said this time "that sucks".... can you believe that?

And yes, I would never leave my husband for this other man, nor any other man. If I leave, I leave for me and my children and go solo.

Sorry for your situation, I hope you find resolution as well.


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## whynot (Apr 16, 2010)

turnera said:


> blueyes, here is the thing.
> 
> Is your husband innocent in creating a bad marriage?
> 
> ...


I didnt choose to cheat rather than fix my marriage, and Im not dating.... I wasnt finding myself attracted to someone else, I literally found sombody for sex, period... my marriage is not rocky its abusive because myhusband is in some hole and doesnt want my help and didnt want to come out of it.... now he is starting, and he cheated on me with an emotionally involved relationship for years before all this happened. I rose above it for some time, and then realized he didnt care and wasnt going to think of my feelings. He broke his hand punching a door frame defending his relationship with this other woman..... it was the end of our marriage at that point. He did stop contact with her, I think, but he also became highly private about his phone and computer and never allowed me access to his emails and stuff. I now forgive him for what he did. So I can understand from your perspective as well. He has been punishing me because of his not being allowed to contact this other person for the last year... punishing out of guilt bc he still was contacting her, or punishing because I was viewed as the one who took her away from his life... dont know, doesnt matter anymore. I forgive him. My cheating is only to fulfill my sex need, not to get back at my husband.

I will stop at some point and never look back... I just need to get it out of my system. Mine is not an emotional attachement like his was, and his was going on for 7 years... even before he met me he was with her while he was dating other women. Why he didnt marry her, I dont know... he said they fizzled out, but have remained emotionally involved all those years. I didnt mention this before bc I was simply trying to offer a perspective on my side of the relationship.


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## losinglove (Dec 8, 2009)

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying he is without some responsibility and blame. The pain you are sparing him from is temporary.



> In a way, I have announced my intentions.


Why don't you just come right out and tell him. Honestly, it would have hurt less if my wife had told me she had been screwing someone else than finding out myself.



> He is the role model stepdad I wanted for my kids.


Someone who is two faced...GREAT ROLE MODEL.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Look, whynot, I will COMPLETELY acknowledge your right to do what you are doing. *COMPLETELY.* And I will tell everyone else to back off and support you.

On ONE condition.

You go to your husband today, and tell him the entire truth.


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## losinglove (Dec 8, 2009)

I'm with you turnera!!!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What you're describing is akin to an open marriage. Lots of people make that work.

But there's one big difference between what you are doing, and an open marriage: In an open marriage, _both partners know the truth._

Without the truth, it's just infidelity.


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## Nandos (Apr 4, 2009)

We all know that once your secret is exposed to your children (if any) your husband, the other man’s family and your relatives, you will not come back and tell us.

If your husband is as arrogant as you make him sound….walking out of therapy, ignoring to discuss sexual issues etc, why are you so afraid of telling him about the affair? Tell him, he might not even care!


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Amplexor said:


> A. End the affair, reconcile with her husband.
> 
> B. End the affair, divorce her husband and and find some one who is.... hmmm, Unmarried


Or 

C. Stay out of relationships for awhile and learn about yourself and relationship boundaries. Do this with guidance--a fresh eye. Whomever is guiding you now is not doing a good job.


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