# Very lopsided marriage/responsibilities



## ItMatters (Jun 6, 2012)

(pasted over from financial section)

Like everyone, I’ve been lurking for a while and have enjoyed hearing everyone’s stories. 

Here’s my intro.

(This feels like standing up in front of the group and saying “Hi, my name’s Christy and my marriage is in trouble” and everyone says “hi Christy!”) 

I’ve been married for 14yrs with kids. My husband has been self-employed for most of that period.

He’s in a service business- similar to real estate- and it has been wrecked over the past four years with the economy. He has managed to keep the door open and payroll/bills mostly met but due to those obligations he’s been making more/less the equivalent of minimum wage all those years. 

We’ve been in joint counseling for about eight months because I just couldn’t handle that his business wasn’t really improving, he wasn’t doing much to make it improve and I am bringing in most of the family’s income so I insisted we start counseling. Plus he has been generally withdrawn and not real active in our marriage for the last few years too.

He has agreed to reduce his overhead which should help bring home more money, but I don’t see that his business can really pick up to where it was in the ‘best of times’ due to changes within his industry. There is more and more competition out there and while business used to end up in his lap, now he has to chase it and that’s hard. I’ve asked him to consider different careers and he isn’t that interested/doesn’t know what he’d want to do and so forth. He loves doing what he does. He ‘believes’ there has got to be business out there- but doesn’t any strong reason to believe except 'it has to'. (I will say that this year HAS been the best year since the crash but it’s still nowhere near what he use to do- still not making above min wage.)

We, of course, have other issues too- I’m more of a driven person and successful in my career (tech industry so I work in a male dominated field and know how to hold my own) and he’s been less and less a partner in the marriage over the past years- he says I always get my own way anyway so why even try. I swear while I am a strong personality I do NOT run over him or anybody. If he really voices an opinion I feel I have listened and responded- either him getting his way or maybe more negotiations where we both seem to be happier with the decision. He doesn’t do much except for ‘guy stuff’ around the house, so little help with cooking or cleaning- although he watches kids when I need him to or will typically do things (fix the kids a sandwich or throw a load of laundry in the wash if I specifically ask).

On the good side, he’s a nice man, honest and kind. He’s good with the kids (not super involved, but better than many) and he has never been bad to me. Yes, the spark has not been there for a while and we aren’t affectionate (except for sex) and we rarely communicate because of so many danger zones it seems… 

I am very resentful about him not doing more to be a better financial contributor to the family. We are meeting our bills, but just that. There is little $$ left over for more than a few dinners out per month and maybe a movie or fun night out (we pinch pennies but we aren’t being overly deprived). 

I guess I just wonder… am I off my rocker for wanting, expecting more? I don’t mind earning more money than my spouse, but to earn 80% of the money and also carry 80% or more of the household responsibilities… seems way unbalanced to me and I can’t understand how even after repeating these issues to him multiple times he insists that his industry WILL support us again with him reducing his overhead and that will make him less stressed which will make him happier. (this certainly couldn’t hurt our relationship)

My IC says that I have three kids and one of them I can’t tell what to do. That I can spend more time, waiting for him to meet my expectations, but that it just might not be in him. That he is okay with the status quo of not making a lot of money (especially if he continues to get to do what he wants to do) and isn’t going to want more.

I want a spouse that will be a partner. Make decent money (I don’t need $80k a year, but even $40k would be nice) be willing to make decisions and/or help me make decisions, be the one to suggest stuff, look for ways to enrich our lives (not money, but new experiences and such).

When we met he was confident, loved what he was doing, made decent money, was happy… I realize the economy and changes to his industry have been this perfect storm, but he wants to keep sailing the same sea and I don’t know that I believe that’s going to work for me in the long term. 

It’s tough to imagine leaving and splitting up our family over this because he IS a good person and a good dad… but I am tired of being what feels like the sole responsible person in what is supposed to be a partnership. I feel neglected and deserted in many respects and that he’s chosen his business over supporting his family.
[Edit] [Reply] [!!]
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## MYM1430 (Nov 7, 2011)

Is he working hard at his business or hardly working?


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Hi Christy! 

Welcome to the forums.

You aren't alone. There is usually ONE big issue, and a host of contributors. One of my primary issues with my marriage was also feeling 'abandoned' by my partner. My job was just to make it all work.

So ... you lead ... in most areas of the marriage?

Have you done or considered counseling for yourself or as a couple?


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## ItMatters (Jun 6, 2012)

For most of the time he was hardly working- waiting for business to land in his lap like before, calling on same clients. He's working harder now- but he doesn't like chasing work- never had to do it. For example, he spent $$ on brochures to mail out and hasn't ever sent them out in a mass mailing which was the intent.

We have done some IC and are in MC too- during this he has agreed to reduce his overhead to bring home more dollars- but he has to finish us current lease before that happens.



Deejo said:


> Hi Christy!
> 
> Welcome to the forums.
> 
> ...


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Hi Christy, 

It sounds like he is a bit overwhelmed at how to go about building his business. He has a certain skill set and doesn't have the skills to market his business effectively. His decreased income may be affecting how he feels about himself, too, which certainly won't help matters any. 

You have to decide what matters more to you - your marriage or money. Right now, you're making money more important. That doesn't mean your complaints about carrying too much of the load aren't valid. They are reasonable concerns. But your focus is being expressed in terms of money, which is not your real issue. I imagine that is what he hears, too, that his entire worth to you is financial. 

From your viewpoint, you'd be happier if he did more to ease your workload at home during this time. He may feel overwhelmed by that, too. I say this because it sounds like he DOES do the things that he feels confident about doing. 

My suggestion is to stop talking about all this stuff and make simple, measurable requests. You can tell him that you've been feeling overwhelmed by working and doing the dishes and preparing meals, and would feel appreciated and loved if he would do those things on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, and vacuum on Tuesdays. Or whatever. Something that lets him ease into tasks that he's worried will earn him criticism. (And then DON'T criticize when he does them even if they're not done great!) 

Another option you might consider is contacting some public relations companies to see how much they could do for his business within a certain allocated budget. His strength isn't in driving up business, but theirs is, and they may be able to help his business for a couple hundred bucks. 

For instance, if he's an appraiser and his business is hurting because real estate has been so bad over the last few years, they can help him create a plan to get him added to two new banks' lists of approved appraisers, which could raise his income by $600 or more a month right away. They can teach him how to use social media or use a blog to generate more business - things that work with whatever his skill set is.


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## ItMatters (Jun 6, 2012)

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## ItMatters (Jun 6, 2012)

I know... But if my spouse doesn't bring home $$ he is depressed, withdrawn, more easy to anger/be irritated and a shell... So if he makes more $$ he will be happier- but I don't see that his profession can really rebound.

If he had spent more time being helpful with house, kids, etc that WOULD have made me feel different over the years. In the past he didn't help BUT he made $$ and was happier, friendlier and such so it balanced out. Now he isn't able to bring home $$, depressed and unhelpful. So what was balanced before now isn't and it's mostly negative.

I just wonder if he CAN start making more $$ and will I be able to feel close to him again- I'm disappointed/feel deserted, like things got tough and he never really tried to change what he was doing till I basically forced the issue... I don't want to be the one to always force the change- if I hadn't insisted I'm sure he would still be doing exactly what he had been doing that was getting him no where and slowly draining our finances. Why doesn't he understand that not bringing home enough $$ (and us having to take $$ out of savings every few months to cover the shortfall) requires additional effort on his part- that after several years he can't just try to ride it out? :-(
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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

ItMatters said:


> I know... But if my spouse doesn't bring home $$ he is depressed, withdrawn, more easy to anger/be irritated and a shell... So if he makes more $$ he will be happier- but I don't see that his profession can really rebound.
> 
> If he had spent more time being helpful with house, kids, etc that WOULD have made me feel different over the years. In the past he didn't help BUT he made $$ and was happier, friendlier and such so it balanced out. Now he isn't able to bring home $$, depressed and unhelpful. So what was balanced before now isn't and it's mostly negative.
> 
> ...


Well here's my .02

He (like most men) has his identity wrapped around his profession. To give up on it, is to give up himself. I also believe that men have a harder time adjusting to change. For him going down with the ship is an honorable way to go. People hold onto bad investments for the same reasons. It defies logic to keep pushing and working on something that clearly will never net the benefits it once did. The odds are stacked too much against it. He's gambling and breaking even when you want him to get off the table.

Your IC is right about one thing... you can make suggestions but he doesn't have to do it. You can only control yourself. Also, the point that he may not have it in him. The hits he's taken to his business has taken the fight out of him it seems. 

I do sense real disappointment in your post, and it's understandable. I'm not sure how you would go about getting him to understand your point of view though... if you're comfortable for the most part, he may not see a reason to motivate himself to do more. Just getting by is okay with him.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> Well here's my .02
> 
> He (like most men) has his identity wrapped around his profession. To give up on it, is to give up himself. I also believe that men have a harder time adjusting to change. For him going down with the ship is an honorable way to go. People hold onto bad investments for the same reasons. It defies logic to keep pushing and working on something that clearly will never net the benefits it once did. The odds are stacked too much against it. He's gambling and breaking even when you want him to get off the table.
> 
> ...


Wow, I see a lot of myself in you, OP.

My H and I sometimes have the same dynamic you mentioned. I can relate to working in a male dominated industry and pulling yourself up from your bootstraps and knowing how to hold your own.

We don't even have the problems that you speak of, but I still feel like I walk a fine line all of the time between censoring myself and pulling back a bit, and letting the bull run in the china shop so-to-speak.

My H does not respond well to dominate-nature from me. I have a hard time balancing my life sometimes and try hard not to bring my work persona home with me, because while it might work for me in the workplace it causes conflict at home. By conflict I mean - my H shrinks back and lets me take the reigns and refuses to engage with me when I act that way. It is essentially the worst kind of conflict - the non-conflict!

You have a right to have the feelings that you do, and I would feel the same way in your shoes. The only thing I wanted to say is - have you tried to step back and see how your approach can be changed? Your counselor is right that you can't MAKE him do anything. But maybe he feels so defeated - in all areas of life - that he just can't get his head into the game right now.

Try to be empathetic, if you can, to his position. Try to say less. Try to be more gentle, more caring, and loving. I have a fire in me and I get riled up as my first instinct and dont always really stop to think about the emotional side of things, like how my husband might be thinking, where his head is. One of the things I am challenging myself to do is be softer spoken, more patient, give him space to come up with answers on his own and give him a safe place to voice his opinions. My H will not stand up to me in a heated discussion - even though I thrive on that atmosphere and that is where I come up with my best problem solving. Sometimes the best thing I can do for him is simply let him lead our discussion and not speak at all until I know for sure he is done speaking.

I dont know - do you have the patience at this point to do something like that?

Truthfully your only option is that either you change, or he does. And your counselor has already pointed out that you have no power over what he chooses to do - so you wait it out, or you look at how you can work on yourself.


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