# Don't get along with wife's family. Strains our marriage



## dkong (Mar 12, 2010)

My wife and I have been together for 13yrs (married for 8).

I used to get along well with her family (both parents and her brother), but over the years things have become deteriorated.

Things started going down hill when about 6yrs ago my in-laws came to stay with us for a few weeks (they live overseas). My wife was heavily pregnant and I was working long hours running my business at the time. Everything seemed to be going well until one day my wife came back from the cafe with her mum. She was visibly upset (crying). Eventually she told me that her mum said some pretty judgmental things about our marriage and me, ie

* that her daughter can do better than me
* that i don't help around the house enough (i was working about 16hrs a day at the time)
* that we dress poorly
* that we didn't entertain them enough while they were there (ie take them out to dinner)
* questioned my wife's happiness in our marriage

I was completely shocked to hear this at the time because I thought I made an ok son-in-law and also had a lot of respect for her parents. I'm a no frills kind of guy who believes in being respectful, working hard, no bad habits, not a cheat, good with money etc. Certainly I'm far from perfect but I try keep good with the basics.

At the time I didn't react as they were still staying with us. I felt betrayed but put on a front that I knew nothing, and thought it best to not say anything. The kicker however, was that after they left and went back home, my mother in law kept on at it, carrying on with her negative comments over the phone, offering her unwanted advice/opinions.

At that point I snapped as my wife wasn't defending us. I let her parents know what I thought. My wife is normally no wall-flower but I could sense she didn't want to rock the boat with inter-family relations, so she wasn't pushing back on these negative remarks as she wanted to keep the peace, but ultimately it was hurting our marriage as she didn't want to stand up to them.

I sent them an email (polite but firm), and I did throw in a few cheap shots, basically saying, where do they get off judging us given that they live in a housing scheme (low-income area's in the UK). I knew it was a hurtful thing to say but I wanted to hurt them to show what it felt like to be judged. In hindsight I should have handled it differently, but ever since then it's opened a can of worms, as they now can't forget what I said, however wont take any responsibility for kicking this all off.

Not long after that all happened my mother in law basically started a campaign, telling all the family and friends (people my wife and I both know) what a scum-bag I am, and she even sent a letter to my mother telling her what a terrible son she has etc. She even started making negative comments on facebook about me and my wife etc.

All of this was very hurtful to us both, and for a while we had no contact with them. I took a very hard line on this, and to be honest felt let down by my wife for not defending us, as I never felt I should have gotten involved in the first place, as I think she should have represented us. My wife has been controlled by her parents for many years and they often treat her like she is still a child who can't make decisions for herself. She is so used to it that she almost seems subconsciously afraid to stand up. Her brother also talks down to her, and they are very negative, yet she almost seems to go back for more like an abusive relationship.

It has been weird for me because their interactions seem completely dysfunctional with poor dialogue and communication. Nobody ever talks about feelings, nobody ever says sorry. It's very strange and toxic.

For a while we weren't speaking to them as it was all too hard, but they can see no fault on their part and have basically told us they have every right to make comments and offer 'advice' relating to things in our life, ie how to raise our kids or anything else. I've told them that the advice is unwanted and inflammatory given past events, yet they say we should just take it over leave it and to not take it personally.

Normally I couldn't care what people say but my mother in law was actively and willfully setting out to destroy our marriage (she actually admitted this to my wife when my wife called her out on this), so she is somebody I will never trust. A lot of stuff was eventually swept under the carpet by my wife who although aware of the dysfunctionality still wants to wear the rose tinted glasses as she wants to have a normal relationship with her parents (which only seems natural), but knows that it comes with the risk of getting hurt over and over.

As of now (last 3 months) my wife decided to not communicate with her parents as she realized this was putting too much strain on our marriage. She tried to walk out on our marriage 3 times already in the last 12 months, claiming that I "need to let it go", and that I need to accept her parents behavior and deal with it. Eventually she read a couple of psychology books that deal with these specific issues and she has started to realize that the way her parents treat her is not normal or acceptable. Her reading the books was the best thing that has happened because up until that point my comments were only viewed as criticism or being hateful of her family, but now she understands that it is not "normal" to be treated that way by her parents.

All I've wanted to do is protect our marriage, because I don't want the interference from her parents and brother to make our lives difficult (the brother is a lot like the parents, over-opinionated on personal issues, yet low on experience). My wife is easily lead by her family, who really don't know us or me as a person as her daughter he been with me her entire adult life, yet all they see is their young daughter (almost as if being dependent and still living at home), not a 34yr old mother of 2.

The problem is I don't know how to deal with it, because I feel like how we want to deal with this is not in alignment and anything I can say is never perceived as objective. We both love each other and want to be happy, but I simply don't trust her family and am worried that they will ruin us, but on the same token if I don't deal with it properly I could be the one who ruins us.

Now that my wife doesn't talk with her parents she has been making a lot of effort to speak with her brother. He has never been interested in his sister or our marriage and for over 10 years I've only ever seen him get in touch with us when he wants a place to stay or needs money or a favor. 90% of the time he never even bothers to reply to her or my emails. I know my wife has told me she feels hurt when this happens, but I'm worried now she is clutching at straws if she thinks he will offer her anything meaningful.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

dkong said:


> all they see is still a girl who lives at home, not a 34yr old mother of 2.


I get the feeling that your wife looks at herself this way too when her parents are involved. You are asking her to grow up and help support the two of you in your independence... that doesn't seem unreasonable to me.

If she has been reading books, and has started ignoring the hateful remarks from her parents, she may be starting her journey of self awareness. Do you think some loving patience might be all this needs now? If you think of her parents as abusive, and think of your wife as just opening her eyes to it all, your role will never be more important in her life or the life of your marriage then it is right now.

Lastly, I would look at her attempts to contact her brother as positive - she's looking somewhere other than her parents! That's a huge step IMO.


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## dkong (Mar 12, 2010)

Acord, you make some good points. Yes I think she is still child-like sometimes in how she views her relationship with her parents. I think she is still having a hard time coming to grips with why her parents would treat her like that, and that their actions do not show love, yet she has been seeking this all along, which seems normal to me, especially since she loves our children so much and can't reconcile that against the selfish behavior from her parents.

She is definitely starting a journey of self discovery, and I am definitely willing to show her patience. I still get nervous myself as sometimes I feel like she wants to rush back into a relationship with her parents with her new 'tools', but this has been over 6 yrs of pain and I'm afraid if she rushes back into something we could all be back at square one.

I agree about the brother comment, I suppose there is risk with everything, it seems like she is looking for love from him now that she feels she doesn't get it from her parents (something she may not get as he is very cold). I just don't want to see her get hurt. It's hard to accept that family aren't always going to be there for her.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

dkong said:


> She is definitely starting a journey of self discovery, and I am definitely willing to show her patience. I still get nervous myself as sometimes I feel like she wants to rush back into a relationship with her parents with her new 'tools', but this has been over 6 yrs of pain and I'm afraid if she rushes back into something we could all be back at square one.


This is begging for a Yoda/Empire Strikes Back quote. 

But seriously, she's going to make a lot of choices that don't serve her well on her journey. All you can do is be as loving and supportive as you can.

Eventually she'll figure out that her journey really has little to do with her parents. It's that she's looking at her parents, at her brother, at you... really anywhere but herself.

I'm about two years into the journey that she is starting.

Good luck.


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## dkong (Mar 12, 2010)

Acorn, are you in a similar situation (ie family conflict)?

what was the catalyst or turning point for you to take this journey? how has this (before and after) impacted your partner if you don't mind me asking?


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

My situation differs in a couple key ways, I was abused as a child and abandoned. I think unknowingly I sought out people to control my life through relationships (much like your wife seems to allow her parents to do) and interpreted their control/interference as love.

Anyway, an open mind, a lot of therapy, and some help from this board has really changed me - not a little change either, I feel like a completely different person and I still think I have a ways to go.

What started my journey was an outsider who vehemently challenged my understanding of life in a firm but loving way. Probably very similar to what you have done for your wife.

My story is decidedly different from yours in that my partner was the controlling figure, so my relationship with her is understandably strained. I hold the person who took the time to challenge me and support me while I tried to grow in the highest regard.

That is why I really think your wife needs you more than ever, and you really sound like you could be exactly what she needs to grow. The only tip I could give you is that, if she is indeed on a similar journey to me, her first progress won't be so much thinking for herself, but rather changing the person/people she decides to let influence her. She may bounce around a little and even blame you for problems at times. Eventually she'll figure out it's been within her the whole time.


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## dkong (Mar 12, 2010)

wise words acorn, thanks for your thoughts. good to hear it from someone's pov that may be closer to hers.


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## desert-rose (Aug 16, 2011)

Give her some time and patience. Maybe try counseling. Boundaries are tough. My relationship with my family is dysfunctional and I, like your wife, am easily pushed around by them. My H's relationship with his family is dysfunctional, too. We've noticed those problems emerging in our own relationship (married just over a year, very rocky), and it's really hard to see and distinguish those family issues. I bet it's tough for your wife, too. Give her patience and support to work through this and have faith that she will. Boundaries are hard to understand and enforce.


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