# Alcoholic husband...how get him help?



## Treehugger77 (Jun 17, 2013)

Hello All,

I am new to these forums but I really need some sage advice. We have been together for 15 years, married for 6. He has been unemployed for the last 1 1/2 years. His drinking has gotten progressively worse since then.


Last night was a horrible mess, his sister, her husband and my nephew came for a visit. The night ended at 4 am with my sister-in-law grabbing her things and rushing out the door. He was extremely drunk and belligerent. He verbally attacked her and my 15 year old nephew felt like he had to intervene, luckily no one was hurt. He did get into a scuffle with his brother in law...who would have kicked his butt bc he is active military.

He cannot go for more than one day without a drink. He has punched holes in our walls and is verbally abusive to me. He drives drunk as well, I have begged him to stop but he doesn't. Thank goodness we do not have children....

His sister told him he is no longer welcome in her home and she now knows what I have been dealing with. 

He needs help but how do I get him to recognize he has a problem? Should I give him an ultimatum?


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## silkpalace (May 17, 2013)

I have been in a very similar situation. I started attending Al-Anon 10 months ago. It has been very helpful.....I have learned so much about taking care of myself. I highly recommend you find a meeting and go ASAP. There is no use talking to your husband unless he is "sober".....do not "engage" him in any conversations while he is drunk!!!!! trust me, it will just make things worse. You must decide what YOU want to do!!! It's a very difficult decision to make. I begged my husband a zillion times to get help......nothing worked. I made ultimatums.......left, he made promises, came back....he continued to drink, left, he made promises........and this cycle went on for about 2 years. Maybe your husband will get the help he needs.....I hope so! But, right now, it sounds like things are getting more and more out of control. I didn't realize how codependent our relationship was.....and that I did not see "the forest through the trees" as they say.....I was "in so deep", that it became my "normal". Verbal abuse was a daily occurrence in my life....aggressive behavior was no longer shocking......By not staying away, I realize that I was enabling very bad behavior. I hope there is Al Anon near you.....it really is the first step in YOUR recovery.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

You can help yourself, you can't fix or change him. 

My suggestion for you is to seek out local Alanon groups in your area. Its time to take care of you. You have been effected by an alcoholics behavior, so this is where you may need to be.

If you want to suggest help for him, there is nothing wrong with that. Find local AA meetings in your area, write them down and their locations or print them out, lay them on the table where he can see them. That will be his help, IF he chooses to take it, good, IF not, thats his problem. He will need to seek help when he is ready, hard to say if he ever will be. 

In the mean time, you can either continue to live there and go to the Alanon meetings for yourself or you can leave, and still go to the Alanon meetings. Either way, you need help and support. Start there then if you feel you need therapy you can add that too.

As far as a ultimatum goes, if you choose to do that, then you need to stick by what you say you will do.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Treehugger77 said:


> Hello All,
> 
> I am new to these forums but I really need some sage advice. We have been together for 15 years, married for 6. He has been unemployed for the last 1 1/2 years. His drinking has gotten progressively worse since then.
> 
> ...


I can give you the perspective of an alcoholic husband because I am one. I've successfully completed rehab but I will always be an alcoholic. That's one of the first things you learn there.

Just about everyone that agrees to go to rehab is there because of a "final straw", an ultimatum, a line that was crossed. Many go to save a marriage or their job.Their own rock bottom. They don't just wake up one day and say "enough of this drinking, I'm ruining my life and need rehab".

In my case, I went to save my marriage - and no other reason. She didn't give me a verbal ultimatum; she didn't need to. By the time I did go, my wife was cold, distant, didn't want to have sex, and unbeknownst to me, was in the middle of a two year physical affair. So I had almost no support from her during and after rehab. Things didn't change much when I got back, despite my efforts.

I may not have been able to improve my marriage, but I improved me. I lost 120 lbs., got a better job and felt better than I had in years. So, when I discovered her affair a year later, I was in a much better position to deal with it. I could now make a rational decision on whether to reconcile or divorce her. We've been in R for almost two years and things are going well.

All that said, your husband will likely need his own rock bottom moment before he agrees. If he values his marriage and you give him an ultimatum, that may be it. I can't say for sure. But I can say that if you chose to do it; be calm, be kind and be supportive. And don't give him one unless you mean it.

Wish you two the best.


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## JayS (Jun 5, 2013)

Well said. My story is much like yours. I went to a recovery home. I knew I'd crossed lines with my wife and children. I was an angry drunk. I blamed everyone around me. I'd toyed with recovery for years. Finally a light bulb went on. For me, my wife left while I was in treatment, and told me almost daily that she was waiting for me to come home. She was afraid to tell me she was leaving for fear that I would leave the recovery home and try to stop her. She was likely right. But we are also working toward a future together. It is very scary, as there are no guarantees, and she's not offering any. She's taking space and dealing with her emotions. And you're right, this is a lifetime illness. I thought I could somehow drink the way I wanted and still manage my life in every aspect. That last big drunk pushed my wife away. There was never physical abuse, but my words and other actions were shameful. I knew that morning waking up that I needed serious help. I took myself to detox and into treatment from there. It is hard. The fear of losing your family is immense, especially when you're staying sober through it. I don't know if I could ever get past infidelity. I certainly wouldn't blame my wife for moving on though. But I have to be OK regardless of that outcome, and I will be. I'm glad your story had a happy ending. God Bless.


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## Treehugger77 (Jun 17, 2013)

*Re: Alcoholic husband...how to get him help?*

Hello again,

I just realized I had a typo in my title line. 

Thanks to your suggestions I went to my first Al Anon meeting last night. It was a liberating experience. I was able to a new perspective on things. I shall be attending them on a regular basis.

Counseling did not work for us but I think this will help restore my own sanity. I'm sick of dealing with his mood swings, verbal abuse and worrying about him when he goes out to the bars. I cannot control these but I choose not to participate in them either. 

As his sister said to me, "He will have to lose everything for him to wake up that he has a problem" She is so right!

I'll keep you posted on my progress but I am finally taking care of myself instead of him.


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