# Contacting the OM Wife



## bsnone (Aug 3, 2011)

So things continue to be very rough. I've had several very difficult conversations with my WW who assures me that she chooses me yet still has contact with the OM. I even got a very disturbing message from him detailing what I need to do in order for him to accept my rules of no contact except when needed for work. 

They continue to gaslight me. They see each other daily at work (I'm there too) and it is killing me. Everyone I've confided in has told me to tell his wife but I am so scared of losing everything through this. 

Any advice as to how to approach his wife? Email? Telephone? Show up at their house when I know he is gone? I've met her on two occasions and I think she knows who I am. I fell like I need someone else in on a part of this battle other than me. I think she'll hate me for it, I know my wife will hate me for it, and him, I could care less what he thinks. 

Help?


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

bsnone said:


> So things continue to be very rough. I've had several very difficult conversations with my WW who assures me that she chooses me yet still has contact with the OM. * I even got a very disturbing message from him detailing what I need to do in order for him to accept my rules of no contact except when needed for work. *
> 
> They continue to gaslight me. They see each other daily at work (I'm there too) and it is killing me. Everyone I've confided in has told me to tell his wife but I am so scared of losing everything through this.
> 
> ...


Him accept your rules? Kick his @$$. Seriously.

You cannot continue to work together. I am not sure how bad things need for you to get this. I feel for you dude, but really you are being completely unrealistic. She needs to find another job.


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## Married&Confused (Jan 19, 2011)

bsnone said:


> So things continue to be very rough. I've had several very difficult conversations with my WW who assures me that she chooses me yet still has contact with the OM. I even got a very disturbing message from him detailing what I need to do in order for him to accept my rules of no contact except when needed for work.
> 
> They continue to gaslight me. They see each other daily at work (I'm there too) and it is killing me. Everyone I've confided in has told me to tell his wife but I am so scared of losing everything through this.
> 
> ...


what the f is wrong with you???

HE'S making the rules???

if you have more than just a gut feeling, go to his wife. you can be sure that your job, hers or his or all three will eventually end but you need to put this to rest regardless of the risks.


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## jayde (Jun 17, 2011)

bsnone said:


> I even got a very disturbing message from him detailing what I need to do in order for him to accept my rules of no contact except when needed for work.


Hey - I had to read this THREE times to make sure I understood it.

TELL HIS WIFE - TELL HIM THAT THE RULES ARE YOURS and he has no freaking say in any of this. He can work out the rules of his extramartial affairs with his wife and any other woman besides your wife. That's the rules he can set.

Someone here uses the term 'torched earth' to deal with situations like this. Let it fly dude! Let it fly! Or walk away from your marriage - I'm not seeing much choice here.


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

I'd probably take a bat to my OM if had the balls to sudgest anything other than WHAT I SAY. And he knows this.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

What was the "disturbing message" he sent you? What did it say?

You need to expose the affair to OM wife. That should have been the very first thing you did after telling your wife "no contact." The fact she hasn't ended contact with him tells you everything you need to know.

I would call OM's wife or email her. 

"OM Wife, 

My name is BS. I discovered that your husband has been having an affair with my wife since about Month/Year. I know this because (and tell her waht evidence you have) my wife openly admitted this to me. As you know, they work together. Their affair has been detrimental to my marriage. I am telling you this because you deserve to know the truth. I fyou were already aware of the affair, then this will come as no surprise to you. If you wer enot aware, I apologize for having to be the one to inform you. If you want to talk to me about this, you can contact me at X.

Sincerely,

BS"

The very fact that you have NOT exposed the affair to his wife has enabled their affair. You have helped keep their secret. To the detriment of your marriage.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

bsnone said:


> So things continue to be very rough. I've had several very difficult conversations with my WW who assures me that she chooses me yet still has contact with the OM. I even got a very disturbing message from him detailing what I need to do in order for him to accept my rules of no contact except when needed for work.
> 
> They continue to gaslight me. They see each other daily at work (I'm there too) and it is killing me. Everyone I've confided in has told me to tell his wife but I am so scared of losing everything through this.
> 
> ...


Holy crap I am literally shaking with angry frustration.

Dude I say this with all due respect, but you've _already _lost everything. _Letting_ another man make any rules in your marriage 'because your wife will hate you for it' -- are you kidding me??????? Read the words, my man, and think!! Not acceptable from him, and not acceptable from her. 

Scorched earth is absolutely the way forward here. You need to act like a man who's life has been ruined and has nothing to lose. He's messed with your marriage and then dared you to do something about it, kicked you while you are down. You can lie there and continue to get kicked, or you can pick yourself up off the ground and demonstrate that you kick back just as hard. He's a bully. Bullies only react to one thing -- getting stood up to, getting punched in the nose. You need to SHOW yourself, your wife, and him that you're standing up for your marriage. He can take his 'rules' and he can stuff them where the sun don't shine. YOU will make the rules; he will abide by them because you and your wife will esnure, together, that those rules apply. That starts with full disclosure to his wife 9without telling your wife or him), demonstrating that the rules he thinks exist have now changed. You didn't create this situation; he did. The consequences are what they are; that is not in your control, it is in hers. They continue with you laying the explicit NC details and transparency requirements out to your wife, and enforcing them. 

She will either stand by you and understand fully why you are doing what you are doing, or she will not. If in fact she chooses you, then she will do so. If not, your path is clear. Whether she chooses you or not, she will have to respect you now. So will he. Tolerating this out of fear is absolutely ludicrous. I can understand hesitation to tell his wife initially, but now after being provoked it's not just a no-brainer, it's actually _necessary_....

Time to grow a serious set, sir. Your marriage needs a _man _in it, and another man _out _of it completely.

Sorry if that's a bit too harsh.


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

This pissed me off when I read it last night, and it still pisses me off this morning. This is just wrong! How can that POS even think that he can set rules for you. 

He should be doing nothing but cowering in fear over you right now. I don't care if he's 100lbs of solid musle more than you. He should be scared to death of you because he took your life away, and you have nothing to lose.

When I did meet the OM face to face in my situation, he was scared that I would do something to him. He actually made me promise "nothing physical" before he would meet with me. And this guy has been weight training for 4 years and has about 40lbs and 6 inches on me. 

I'm not saying you need to get physical.....but you really need to put him in his place. Do whatever is right for you. Expose him to everyone, or just call his butt out. Carry a roll of quarters in your pocket just in case....lol


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## Simon Phoenix (Aug 9, 2010)

Oh man. I would probably be in jail right now if the OM dared to send some BS back to me like that. I have to fight off the urge to expose their affair to his employer's newspaper (he coaches at a Christian school) every day. I couldn't imagine what I would've done if came at me wanting to set terms as if he's the jilted party.

Absolutely expose this to the OM's wife. I'll bet that she doesn't have a clue what's been going on behind her back. Many an affair was stopped after the OM's spouse got involved; amazing how un-horny my wife and ole boy became after his wife got 50 pages worth of them wanting to screw one another. I'm pretty sure that she will not share the same views as he does once you put her in the loop. Find out where she works, get a company directory, and give her a phone call...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

If you're so afraid to lose your wife to do anything, then you have already lost. And having the OM tell you what needs to be done would have been the final straw. You just became a woman to your wife, she wants a man and you just showed her who is the man, the OM.

Time to grab them balls off the floor, dust them off and put them to use. You really are a little...., well I would rather not say it but that's what you are in your wife's mind right now, the way you're acting.

Would you rather have your wife and be the guy everyone looks like at with pity or snickers on their faces when you pass by?

Or would you rather be the strong person people say won't take crap from others and stands up for himself?


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## Scottt (Feb 25, 2011)

bsnone said:


> So things continue to be very rough. I've had several very difficult conversations with my WW who assures me that she chooses me yet still has contact with the OM. I even got a very disturbing message from him detailing what I need to do in order for him to accept my rules of no contact except when needed for work.


I hope you saved the message. You should talk this over with your employer right away, if you haven't already. This triangle is bound to affect the ability of all three of you do your work. Best case, they'll let the OM go; second best, they'll can your WW, and at least you won't have to watch the two of them carrying on while you're trying to work.

As far as contacting the OM's wife, you asked about that more than 12 hours ago, so I hope it's done. If not, do it before the end of the day! There will never be a "good" time, so just get it over with.


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## always_hopefull (Aug 11, 2011)

While I am relatively a newbie here, I have lots of experience sitting back and letting things unfold and leaving everything up to my spouse. In my experience doing that will not benefit you in the least. My advice, send him a reply message. State you find his demands completely unreasonable and he has 3 hours to tell his wife everything or you will send her a copy of his e-mail and tell her everything you know.

Also I have just read a copy of "How to help your spouse heal from your affair". It's a wonderful book and let me know everything I was looking for and wanting from my H was not being unrealistic. It's an even better book if you can get your wife to read it.

Best of luck to you.


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

BSnone-
I can empathize with you man. I went through the same BS with my WW. She continued to cheat on me after I discovered the affair. I was afraid to be confrontational (along with someone else's "enabling advice") and it got me no where. I tried so hard to be the "good" guy and it got me another slap in the face. Don't be afraid what will happen/ First of all, you have nothing to lose anymore. Standing up and exposing does two things: regaining your self-esteem and the respect of your wife.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

always_hopefull said:


> State you find his demands completely unreasonable and he has 3 hours to tell his wife everything or you will send her a copy of his e-mail and tell her everything you know.


Don't tip your intentions to his wife and give him the opportunity to put a spin on things oir craft a story. He may very well tell her you contacted him and "you're flat-out crazy, making weird accusations".
Just tell her, and give her your contact info if she wants to discuss more details with you.


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## howcouldshe (Jul 18, 2011)

1-You need to send and email or letter to the OMW just as Jellybeans gave you a sample of, if you send an email ask for them to at the very least reply telling you they got it. My wife said she would be pissed if I did that as we dont know the OMW, if your wife gets pissed it shows her true cards. I sent the email, got a reply and have no regret in doing it, remeber you want to see their true cards.

2- You wife needs to find another job as being close to him is not going to help anything, it will only allow it to possibly continue.

3- YOU need to set the rules that you WW will follow and enforce them.

You say you are scared of losing everything due to what is happening, we all have the fear of loss but keep in mind you have already lost you wife hopefully only temporarlly to this guy, you need to take control of the situation and see what she does, you have already seen some of her cards, see the rest and then go with your gut. You might loose money or the house or what ever but dont loose your selfrespect. That is not saying that you cannot take her back and make this work but SHE needs to show you that is what she wants, it may take time for her to show that, time you may not want to spend waiting........Good Luck


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## cj9947 (Jul 9, 2011)

1) You set the rules...not the WW or the OM...YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!

2) She/he needs to quit.

3) Contact the OM's wife in PERSON. I did it myself last month. This will bring their fantasy crashing to Earth. I originally was going to contact the wife of my wife's affair partner via telephone or letter. Neither one worked out so I had to go to the front door of my wife's lover. So glad I did. First off, it lets the OM know you are not a P*SSY. He F*CKS with your happy life then you F*CK with his happy life. Second, you get a better sense of how the OM's wife is going to take it. I swore for a couple of minutes she did not want to believe it. I could tell by her body language but I had my proof ready so she could not deny it. Remember, some of these wayward spouses are so good at lying they have their spouse's believing their BS. You at the door shatters that bubble.


GO GET "'EM TIGER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :smthumbup::smthumbup:


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

cj9947 said:


> 1) You set the rules...not the WW or the OM...YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!
> 
> 2) She/he needs to quit.
> 
> ...


This is my view. OM gets no free pass. They messed with the wrong person.


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## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

Bsnone,

Listen, it's hard enough going through the pains of an affair. Don't make it harder on yourself by partaking in the drama. 

They are using your pain and fear of loss to marginalize you.

I think that most if not all the people on this forum would agree with me when I say : There can be no contact with the OM if there is going to be any chance of reconciliation. This is a hard line in the sand that cannot be crossed. If that means you guys switch jobs..so be it.

As far as the OM's wife? Let them deal with their own problems in there own time...you have enough on your plate.

Best wishes,

GM


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