# Please Help me Get Through This



## LoveMyWifeSoMuch

I have been a reader on these forums for more than a year but never posted.

More than two years ago on the way home from seeing her family I got the dreaded "We need to talk" line. The entire ride home I was about to go crazy and we did not actually get to talk until after our son went to bed. When we sat down she said that she was done, wanted a divorce and actually never loved me. We have been married for 12 years and have a 7 year old son. Our marriage had not always been great, had more than our share of ups and downs and I was a less than ideal husband. Throughout the years I put everything else ahead of my wife, especially my parents. I was not patient and understanding and frankly I did so many things that looking back were just plain hurtful. However, she loved me anyway. About 6 years ago, I had a EA with a co-worker. I told my wife that I wanted out. After alot of talking and crying I decided I wanted to be with my wife. Since that time, we never really recovered. Things were good, but never the same.

Now, 2 years ago when I got the "We need to talk" line I was crushed. I did not know what to do and went into panic mode. I begged and cried and pleaded with her. She moved out of our bed, into the guest room. During that time I noticed she was texting and calling an unknown number ALOT. I asked her about it and she said it was a friend. I thought nothing of it because my wife had never given me a reason not to trust her. It started to consume her so I dug and found the guy's name. He worked with her. I confronted her and she said he was just a really close friend helping her make sense of all this. I continued to trust but had my guard up. A few weeks pasted and she starts buying sexy clothes, which she had not done for me in years. She become very private and her actions and phone were guarded closely.

We went to see her parents again a few months later and she left to "get some ice" and I checked our call logs. She had been on the phone with him the entire time. I confronted her that night and asked to see her phone. It was digusting! She said they had sex twice and she loved him and he was better than me in every way. And he was 7 years younger than her. She did not move out but instead agreed to counseling. We started counseling and it seemed to work. About a month in, I went home to surprise her on Valentine's Day and she wasn't home. I figured she went into work early so I went there and she wasn't there. As I was pulling out, I saw her driving up with him in the passenger seat of my car. I stopped them and told him to walk away and never talk to her again. She and I talked and she said she just needed closure and it was done now. We went a number of months with things going well. We were in counseling, we were intimate and actively growing our marriage. Then out of the blue she moved out. No notice, nothing! She said separation was just what we needed and she would be home soon. Things got very weird for awhile but then we started to connect again. She said she was going on a woman's church trip to the mountains and was praying for our marriage.

I was so happy because I had been praying nonstop for God to heal our marriage. I had made serious changes in how my walk with my savior, how I treat my wife, myself, others, etc. When she returned she was so happy to show me and our son the photos of the mountains. She said she prayed for us so much and knew what she had to do now. Now, please understand that we are a Christian family, love God and follow His Word. I was so excited and knew it was just a matter of days before she returned. Instead, I find out shortly after that she went to the mountains with him because I found the photos on his Facebook account. She again said that she loved him, never loved me and wanted out. I asked her to take the weekend to pray about it and understand what she was doing to our family. She did and decided she wanted me. Fast forward another few months and she was all packed to come home. We went out for a spcial date and she again said she was done, wanted a divorce and didn't love me. Again, I was crushed and I begged and pleaded with her. She left that night and said she had alot of thinking to do. And again she decided she wanted me and our son.

As an aside, our son is taking it really hard. He prays everynight for God to make his mommy love his daddy again. He is angry with her and never wants to stay with her.

We started counseling again and are getting better and better everyday. She is at the house almost every day and every other weekend. On the weekends she is not with us, she almost completely disappears. I give her as much space then as I can because she says she is having quiet time. She says she is learning to love me again, she wants to be my wife and wants to come home soon. However, she says she still cannot come home. She just doesn't want to but she knows God wants her to. We are better now than we have been in 2 years but she still will not come home. Some days she is very close to me and really acts like a wife and then suddenly she is distant and strange.

I want our marriage. I want her and I believe in God's promise for our marriage. I am just so tired. I do not want divorce but I am fed up with her putting me and our son through emotional hell.

Our counselor says she is close to a break through but he is treating her with kid gloves. And of the many changes I have made and continue to make, I have put my foot down with my parents and almost completely shut them out until they can respect us as husband and wife and not overstep boundaries. I have almost completed a second degree in media design and started my own creative company. I also just accepted a new job with a huge jump in pay. I am constantly growing in the Lord and allowing Him to lead me the best I can. I still have to work on letting Him take control.

I can see her making so many changes too and I am proud of her.


----------



## Betrayedone

.......don't know what to say other than be strong, accept the advice of the good people on this forum and stay with God for strength and guidance. She sounds really confused OR she is playing games with you....I don't know.......


----------



## Sandfly

I'm sorry to hear of your situation.

My gut is telling me, she is not alone in her quiet time, just as it's telling me she had already gone cold when she had 'the talk' with you. I don't know if they ever really switch back on to the same guy once they've switched onto a new one.

You say that sometimes she is friendly, other times she is distant and strange.



Acting distant = feels wrong about being in your company. 

This leads me to believe that she is still regularly seeing someone, and the niceness has more to do with hanging around to see if you hit the jackpot in your career...

I hope I'm wrong, but then, what I didn't hear from her to be confident of her change are any expressions of 

Remorse

and more importantly any changes in behaviour.


----------



## LBHmidwest

It sounds like you are very religious and spiritual. Let that help you. It doesn't sound like she's had the epiphany needed to come back but maybe it will happen yet. By then, you may have changed too much to take her back.


----------



## LoveMyWifeSoMuch

We had a nice dinner date last night and talked. She said in no uncertain terms that she is fully committed and wants us to work. She said that she gets closer and closer each day and is finally allowing God to work in her. She said that she still has times (not often) where the thought of living with me again makes her uneasy but they are not often anymore. She said she is working on that in her IC sessions.

I believe with all my heart, because I know her better than anyone else that she is truly working hard at this and wants it but she is just scared and confused as to why she feels this way.

Like I mentioned in my first post, I have no desire to give up on us and will continue to hold the lantern for her and continue to work on me.

Sandfly, she has certainly expressed remorse and to be honest when she had the talk with me she had already gone cold. However, in the past few months I have witnessed drastic changes in her behavior and the way she interacts with me. I am "husband" again. I just have to continue to help her find her way home.


----------



## LoveMyWifeSoMuch

I also need to add that our separation is not like a lot that I've read about. We are in constant contact throughout the day, we talk on the phone often and she is at the house most days of the week. We go out as a family and have dates and are slowly rebuilding a grand friendship (which we lost along the way).


----------



## sh987

At the risk of coming across as a jerk...

-What possible reason could you have to believe your wife? This isn't the first time she's said she's coming back, working on things, and then tells you all of a sudden that's she's gone. I'd love to be wrong, but the best indicator of future behaviour is past behaviour. It's certainly convenient timing that she's once again committing herself right when your income is scheduled to make a large jump.

-You don't know *where* she is on the weekend, but you have to know *what* she's doing, right? Cheaters want space so that they can cheat freely. Outside of abusive or neglectful situations, a separation demand is practically always a huge indicator of cheating. Space doesn't bring people together.

-Does anybody other than her know what she's been up to? She was happy to stand up in front of family and friends to promise to hold no other before you. Desperate times call for desperate measures. Let them know of her continuous vow breaking acts.

-You have a *terrible* marriage counselor. He's basically saying "If you can put up with her cheating for just a little longer, she'll get it out of her system." What an incompetent fool.

I'm very sorry to hear of your troubles, LMWSM.


----------



## xakulax

Sandfly said:


> *Acting distant = feels wrong about being in your company. *
> 
> This leads me to believe that she is still regularly seeing someone, and the niceness has more to do with *hanging around to see if you hit the jackpot in your career*...



:iagree:


----------



## Sandfly

LoveMyWifeSoMuch said:


> We had a nice dinner date last night and talked. *She said *in no uncertain terms that she is fully committed and wants us to work.* She said *that she gets closer and closer each day and is finally allowing God to work in her. She said that she still has times (not often) where the thought of living with me again makes her uneasy but they are not often anymore. *She said *she is working on that in her IC sessions.
> 
> I believe with all my heart, because I know her better than anyone else that she is truly working hard at this and wants it but she is just scared and confused as to why she feels this way.
> 
> Like I mentioned in my first post, I have no desire to give up on us and will continue to hold the lantern for her and continue to work on me.
> 
> Sandfly, she has certainly *expressed* remorse and to be honest when she had the talk with me she had already gone cold. However, in the past few months *I have witnessed drastic changes in her behavior *and the way she interacts with me. I am "husband" again. I just have to continue to help her find her way home.


 The first four parts in bold, were not cause for confidence,

But the fifth bit is good sign, and gives me hope for your future together.

Keep working at it...!

(Just remember to believe in actions, over words - truth is where they match up.)


----------



## Hicks

She's using your religious beliefs to her "advantage".
I put it in quotes beucase is helps no one (not even her).
She's waiting for you to claim her has your wife.
And to do that, you have to open your eyes.


----------



## whitehawk

Sandfly said:


> I'm sorry to hear of your situation.
> 
> My gut is telling me, she is not alone in her quiet time, just as it's telling me she had already gone cold when she had 'the talk' with you. I don't know if they ever really switch back on to the same guy once they've switched onto a new one.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Many of them go back to that guy or that women - h or w . Reading around you see so much of this stuff is just the good old greener grass syndrome - until it goes sour .


----------



## justforfun1222

Many of them go back to that guy or that women - h or w . Reading around you see so much of this stuff is just the good old greener grass syndrome - until it goes sour .[/QUOTE]


This statement is very true! However, when they decide to come back to you, if you are not careful and have not totally forgiven them or feel like you can totally trust them again, well let's just say that resentment builds up. It almost seems like she is holding you on the line until she can make sure one way or the other about this other man. I know that does not sound encouraging, and I know that for some couples that separate they reconcile and are just fine, but for others to much damage has been done. The sad part for you and for her is that you might not realize it until years down the road. So, think long and hard if you have what it takes to trust her totally again or it will never work out!


----------



## LongWalk

How many times did she lie with him? Can you recover from the thought of them together?


----------



## LoveMyWifeSoMuch

Thank you everyone for the thoughts and advice. We continue to get better and better. I know with plenty of hard work from both of us we will get there. She is opening up more each day and the "words" are turning into "actions."


----------



## Betrayedone

LoveMyWifeSoMuch said:


> Thank you everyone for the thoughts and advice. We continue to get better and better. I know with plenty of hard work from both of us we will get there. She is opening up more each day and the "words" are turning into "actions."


Good luck.....I hope you are right and things go well for you but keep your eyes open and your wits about you.....


----------



## Alpha

Good luck with this but from all your posts I can already predict with a strong probability that this Other Man is still around. You are setting yourself up to be devastated one more time. 

She knows she has you controlled and takes advantage of this whether or not she even realizes or wants to admit it. 

If I were you, file for a divorce and stick it to her. Show her you won't tolerate her behavior and start to show her who is boss. 

You'll hear it here over and over---the person who cares less about the marriage controls it. That is whats happening in your situation. Turn the tide and say you don't want counseling because you know this Other guy is still around and it won't work. And then file for that divorce and have her make a real decision. Tell her she's either in or your out, and no you don't like gray but want it black and white.


----------



## tainted

You're marriage is doomed and you have your head in the sands. 

This thread needs to be moved to the CWI section because you are not in true reconciliation. Its a fake reconciliation just like all the other times she told you she ended it with the OM.

I suspect you haven't exposed her affair either. Exposure is a great tool in killing an affair. Tell her family, friends and work.


----------



## tom67

tainted said:


> You're marriage is doomed and you have your head in the sands.
> 
> This thread needs to be moved to the CWI section because you are not in true reconciliation. Its a fake reconciliation just like all the other times she told you she ended it with the OM.
> 
> I suspect you haven't exposed her affair either. Exposure is a great tool in killing an affair. Tell her family, friends and work.


:iagree:
Especially if the guy is married.


----------



## LoveMyWifeSoMuch

I have exposed the affair and I am very confident the OM is not in the picture anymore. Why do you think our marriage is doomed and I have my head in the sand if we are moving forward and rebuilding a love and friendship?

I guess I just don't understand. I know that to alot of you it looks like I am dumb and out of touch with reality. I just have bold faith and confidence that God is working in us and our marriage and it is a slow process.

Mostly, I was hoping for sound advice and encouragement from you guys here. Ways to help me make this process work.


----------



## Mr Blunt

> Mostly, I was hoping for sound advice and encouragement from you guys here. Ways to help me make this process work.


Here is some sound advice.

*Do not ever go crying and begging your wife to stop betraying you and to please come back to you.* Women do not like wimps even if they are cheating. If you have something that you need to improve on then do it but do not cry and beg a cheater ever. The betrayer (your wife) needs to cry and beg you to take her back and needs to be confronted by a strong man not a crier/beggar.


*If you are ever going to help your cheating wife then be strong and demand respect at all times.* That will lean her in the direction of being drawn to you because a crying beggar is a weakness.


*The best thing that you can do for your reconciliation is for you to become more self sufficient*. I am not saying that you can become in island but I am saying that you should get yourself into a position that you can live with her or without her without crumbling. In your religion you are the head and the leader so get into that position and become stronger.



If your wife uses her free will to make up as much as possible to you and your son then you being a confident stronger man will draw her to you and build a better chance for you to make your marriage work.


I think that you have made some mistakes in the early months when you met your crises. Then you seemed too desperate and too willing to compromise accountability and respect just to try and plead your betraying wife to come back to you. Even though you made those mistakes you both seem to be headed towards getting better. Do not fret over your previous mistakes but learn from them and *demand accountability and respect and the forgiveness that you need to do in order to help you and your family.*

Your wife needs to be truly remorseful and show that by ACTIONS every day, month, and year. She has violated a marriage covenant that is sacred and has done great damage to the marriage and her child. *She can improve herself, you, the marriage, and her child but she will have to be diligent and persistent in ACTIONS that rebuild.*

Your marriage can become a LOT better just remember that you are in an emotional and spiritual war and it is not going to be won with half hearted actions nor won in the next several months.


----------



## LoveMyWifeSoMuch

Thank you so very much for that Mr. Blunt. Exactly what I needed.


----------

