# His pleasure annoys me



## MaybeF (Nov 1, 2014)

I discovered a psychological problem in my sex life that I'd like to solve. I might need to go to a therapist, but I want to start from somewhere.

I am a woman, and I enjoy having sex. Sometimes I think about it more, sometimes less, I masturbate regularly. I get attracted to guys easily, and when I do, I want to sleep with them asap.

However, I realized that the sexual pleasure of my SO makes me - angry! It annoys me that he gets so excited and feels so special. I don't like the fact that he gets so close to me emotionally. I feel like just having an orgasm and being very non-chalant about making love - just to show him that I don't think sex with him is anything special.

Help me! What is behind of these weird feelings? I do love him, and I certainly enjoy sex (sometimes when I'm angry with him for no reason like that, I do it solo. I can't understand why I don't want to share the pleasure with him - he can easily please me in bed). I would like to share my life with him, but these odd feelings of mine are getting in the way.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

Can you define, as completely as possible, what "love" means to you?


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Do you consider yourself a otherwise emotionally stable person? Can you regulate and manage emotions or they seem to manage you?


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## MaybeF (Nov 1, 2014)

He is very creative already. I like everything he does in bed.

I think this very psychological. Am I angry with him unconsciously, and I want to revenge him by pretending I don't enjoy sex with him? And why on Earth - as I do enjoy it?

I'm afraid everything's not well with my brain.


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## MaybeF (Nov 1, 2014)

john117 said:


> Do you consider yourself a otherwise emotionally stable person? Can you regulate and manage emotions or they seem to manage you?


I'm not very stable emotionally. I cry too easily etc.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

How old are you? Are you sure you're ready to settle down? Do you have sex with other guys besides your SO?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Get thee to a therapist.


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## MaybeF (Nov 1, 2014)

Chaparral said:


> How old are you? Are you sure you're ready to settle down? Do you have sex with other guys besides your SO?


I'm 26, and I so much want to settle down. I don't sleep around (but I used to).

This might sound really twisted, but especially I dont' want him giving me orgasms. It makes me feel as if I failed (in controlling him?? Or what? I can't explain!) when he sees my pleasure.


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## MaybeF (Nov 1, 2014)

Anon Pink said:


> Get thee to a therapist.


Right? I think so too!


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

Is this with any partner or just the one you're with now?


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## MaybeF (Nov 1, 2014)

This has happened with everyone I've dated seriously. With casual flings I never experienced such thoughts, I just enjoyed the sex.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

MaybeF said:


> I'm not very stable emotionally. I cry too easily etc.



Well... Have you looked into any of the spectrum personality disorders? NPD perhaps? 

This may be worth discussing in IC.


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

Did your parents divorce when you were young or were they neglectful/absent so that you had to care of yourself and siblings? A bad prior relationship? Have you resented the pleasure of previous partners? 

A lack of full committment could indicate a fear of abandonment but that doesn't explain the anger/resentment.



The whole thing reads like "I'll show you. I don't need anybody else. I can take care of myself." - which would be fine if it wasn't making you unhappy, but it is.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

MaybeF said:


> I discovered a psychological problem in my sex life that I'd like to solve. I might need to go to a therapist, but I want to start from somewhere.
> 
> I am a woman, and I enjoy having sex. Sometimes I think about it more, sometimes less, I masturbate regularly. I get attracted to guys easily, and when I do, I want to sleep with them asap.
> 
> ...


Seems like you want to feel "single" like every guy is just there for getting you off and none is special.

You have to give up your wanting to be "single", it's the only way.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Sounds to me like you are afraid of true intimacy, and it probably goes back to family-of-origin issues.

What was your relationship like with your dad? Was he in your life throughout your childhood, or was he not around?

For some reason, you don't want to give men what they want -- you want to punish them -- and it's a weird control thing. You have unresolved issues (who knows where it's all coming from?) and you should get to a counselor who can help you figure it all out ASAP.


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## MaybeF (Nov 1, 2014)

happy as a clam said:


> Sounds to me like you are afraid of true intimacy, and it probably goes back to family-of-origin issues.
> 
> What was your relationship like with your dad? Was he in your life throughout your childhood, or was he not around?
> 
> For some reason, you don't want to give men what they want -- you want to punish them -- and it's a weird control thing. You have unresolved issues (who knows where it's all coming from?) and you should get to a counselor who can help you figure it all out ASAP.


Well, I think my mother liked controlling dad that way... Maybe I just became like her? My childhood was also very unhappy. But... How could that be related, I wonder...

I might be afraid of true intimacy indeed. But what to do?


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

CSA?


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

MaybeF said:


> My childhood was also very unhappy. But... How could that be related, I wonder...
> 
> I might be afraid of true intimacy indeed. *But what to do?*


Go to a counselor! 

This dynamic is very unhealthy in your relationship (and all future relationships) until you get it sorted out in your own mind.


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## MaybeF (Nov 1, 2014)

I wasn't abused sexually, but my parents were really strict. So strict that they didn't need to even talk or threaten me, but I knew how and when I needed to obey. I was scared to death. However, we are in better terms now.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Look into demand resistance.


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## MaybeF (Nov 1, 2014)

Faithful Wife said:


> Look into demand resistance.


Makes sense to me, actually. But can I ever change? I've gone to a psychologist in the past, and that did nothing to me.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

happy as a clam said:


> Sounds to me like you are afraid of true intimacy, and it probably goes back to family-of-origin issues.


It's this ^^

That's gonna take a while to work through. Even with the best therapy.

Doesn't mean you're mentally ill, at least I hope not.

I'm the same way although not to such a degree.


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

Sounds like you have an intimacy phobia. Probably caused by an Attachment Disorder. 

Do you get more turned on with new partners and feel slightly (sexually) uncomfortable with partners you are in a relationship with?

Don't mix up intimacy with sex, they are two different things. One is physical the other emotional. Plenty of intimacy phobic people love sex and have high sex drives, they just don't particularly like it with someone they are close to.

If this is indeed what you have don't expect too much from therapy. And I'd avoid Sex Therapists altogether. A psychiatrist would probably be more helpful although this sort of thing is bred in the bone from childhood and very difficult to change.

One silver lining for what it's worth. For a number of reasons women with this problem don't suffer as badly as men with it do.


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## MaybeF (Nov 1, 2014)

Yeah, I get excited with new partners but I get uncomforable in bed once the relationship gets serious.

Sounds really depressing to hear that I couldn't ever overcome this... Made me think that maybe I should just stay alone for the rest of my life.


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

MaybeF said:


> Yeah, I get excited with new partners but I get uncomforable in bed once the relationship gets serious.
> 
> Sounds really depressing to hear that I couldn't ever overcome this... Made me think that maybe I should just stay alone for the rest of my life.


Your dilemma is just a rather extreme example of one that affects many people. They seek intimacy, affection, acceptance (etc) then, when they get it, something kicks in and they push it away again. LOTS of people have that pull/push quandary.

We've asked you about the 'common causes' and you've come back with "strict parents". There's a temptation to think - and many do - "Lots of people got abused worse than me. (It looks like) I'm just making a fuss over nothing." Well, YOU AREN'T.

I can tell you my own experience of the effects of 'non-abusive' parents. They weren't even particularly strict. They spent thousands on me doing things they approved of but NOTHING on things they didn't. (My friend's dad lent me money for my first drum kit. My parents never even bought me any sticks.) Also, nothing I ever did was ever good enough. On one occasion I won a big sports tournament only to be told I should've defeated the runner-up more easily. Hardly the stuff 'trauma' and 'abuse' are made of, right? Only in retrospect did I identify the lifelong pattern. If I got a B on my report card full of A's in junior school they'd whine about it. When I was 7 they sent me to piano lessons. I'd learn my scales in 15 minutes then start playing TV tunes and making up stuff. They didn't like that and took the piano away. In senior school my grades started dropping - likely, in part, cuz I was always tired cuz they had me playing sports 3 nights a week and weekend tournaments. As a teenager, you need your own space and I had none. Criticism of my failings abounded. So, I started to rebel. I'd push, they'd push back. Things deteriorated rapidly. I gave up trying to please them, and the teachers who despaired over my falling grades, because there was no pleasing them. I couldn't 'achieve' pleasing people, but I could excell at disappointing them. So that's what I did. Quit sports, quit schoolwork, drink, drugs, petty crime. The DELIGHT I'd get when the cops showed up at home was empowering and addictive. I couldn't get rewarded for being good, but the rewards for being bad were getting better by the day. I'm much better now. 


The point of that is to demonstrate that even non-violent, well-meaning parents, and your reactions to their unique brand of rearing can scrèw you up. Don't let anyone tell you - and don't tell yourself - that you haven't earned the right to be a bit of a mess. Only you have lived your life.


You've described your problem well. I can't diagnose it or give you a quick fix, but there's an area you can start on and some suggestions that might help with the remainder.

Start with accepting who you are FOR THE MOMENT. You're letting external influences (societal expectations) exacerbate your inner turmoil. You're entitled to sex/relationship partners the same as everyone else. You're also entitled to dump them when your particular 'issue' kicks in. Just because yours is uncommon, you're every bit as entitled to dump a partner as a woman who dumps one for talking to other women or not showering regularly. Don't buy into slùt-shaming, You're doing the best you can. Your aversion to your partner(s) is NOT a malicious act. Your intentions are good. 

You can't help who you are but you can work on those aspects of yourself that cause you distress. If you can't afford therapy - or find a good therapist - you'll have to make a go of it yourself.


You can't put a price on the value of writing things down. The value of forums like these is not always (or even) in the replies people give but that the OPs have to focus on their issues in order to explain them to others. The anonymity means they can spill the 'dark shìt' that blights them without the risk of such revelations impacting on their real lives. You can do it privately too.


I moved out when I was 16. All those hours I'd dedicated to annoying my parents became free. I don't remember where I got the idea, but I knew I was 'mixed up', wasn't as happy as I could be, had some anger and TROUBLE WITH INTIMACY.

I started making lists. Things I liked/disliked about myself and my life. Just focusing to make the lists would reveal things I didn't realise I knew. Then, I'd look down my lists and figure out things I could change, things I couldn't change and set short-term goals. (My inability to set long-term goals is present to this day. It lives on my 'can't change' list. Once you identify a 'can't change item', you figure out ways to work around it).


Finally - don't inflict additional burdens on yourself. If you can't overcome this thing, tell partners you have this issue if they start getting serious. They can choose to proceed or not. No deceit, no reason to feel bad.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

MaybeF In all the many years I've been on this site I have never come across anyone who shares this same intimacy difficulty as me. Be careful though because it draws an enormous amount of anger and heat from people on here because they cannot understand it. It has caused me an untold amount of grief and frustration and has caused my 20+ year marriage to be sexless from the beginning. I'd like to discuss this with you privately, I've sent you a PM.


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## KendalMintcake (Nov 3, 2012)

You sound a bit like my wife - she complains if I get too excited about sex and is also a controlling person (admittedly). She also had a traumatic childhood with a mother who constantly belittled her. I see her behavior as a sign of control - she's afraid of my loosing control and this her control over me. 

It's a shame you have to deal with it but I commend you for looking for help. My wife has zero interest in getting help - she has admitted that if it wasn't for me she'd be single all of her life so clearly she knows she has issues. 

Ask yourself of it's a control thing - I imagine what you really can't stand is seeing him loose himself - you want him to maintain composure and the fact that he doesn't is maddening. Unless he is mechanical and predictable you are uncomfortable because he is out of your control. 

Here's the problem - sooner or later he will lose interest I can attest as our sex life has come to a halt. No longer just a 'sexless marriage' (10 times or less a year) but a non-sex marriage. Personally I have zero interest in sex anymore in fact the behavior that I have to contend with has gotten to the point that I am actually sort of turned off by her. It's not attractive. So keep that in mind. Bringing your partner joy is a wonderful thing :/


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## MaybeF (Nov 1, 2014)

Flying Dutchman... Excellent points. I shouldn't beat myself up for something I didn't even cause myself.

It's just that the situation I'm in feels pretty urgent to me. The man I'm in love with is really my soulmate, and I feel that if I can't sort my problems out in time, he will get tired and leave. I guess I shouldn't be afraid of that, but I have never met someone with whom I'd like to start a family so badly.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Don't marry him until you sort this out. It's not fair to him.


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

MaybeF said:


> Flying Dutchman... Excellent points. I shouldn't beat myself up for something I didn't even cause myself.
> 
> It's just that the situation I'm in feels pretty urgent to me. The man I'm in love with is really my soulmate, and I feel that if I can't sort my problems out in time, he will get tired and leave. I guess I shouldn't be afraid of that, but I have never met someone with whom I'd like to start a family so badly.


You wouldn't be here if it wasn't REALLY bothering you. 

Without a quick fix, all you can do is pick away at the edges to make yourself feel better.

So, yeah, don't beat yourself up for being you,, and don't get distraught by others suggesting you're strange or a 'weirdo'. Such terms carry negative connotations. You're neither strange or wierd,, just unique.

Put anyone under a microscope and they're unique too - but they only brag about the differences that reflect positively on them. They hide the dark stuff and, sadly, too many take delight in mocking the differences in others. Those types and the shìt they spout aren't worth your emotion. Unlike them, you're not setting out to hurt or belittle anybody. You're better than them so don't let them drag you down.

You haven't said if you've confided all this to your partner. If he's really your soulmate he'll work with you. That said, sharing is an emotional intimacy so that might be tough for you. No matter for now. 

I can only repeat:

Accept who you are 'in the now' and you're trying to improve your lot. You're a work in progress.

Don't beat yourself up. 

Focus on your positives. You're a good person. You don't seek to hurt others. You're managing a loving relationship, despite the difficulty.

Ignore any haters. They're far more flawed than you are.

Share with your partner IF YOU CAN. If you can't, the guilt won't help you but go back to 'step 1' - I'm a work in progress and I haven't progressed to that yet.

I previously explained the benefits of writing stuff down - it gets you focused and reveals stuff you didn't know was in you. You could try writing a letter to your partner about how you feel. No need to give it to him. It's practice for what you intend to tell him. Hide it on a computer to amend at any time. (Make a folder 'unique dll' in Windows Temp, nobody ever looks in there).

The ability to make yourself vulnerable is a strength.

Try to take pleasure in your ability to give pleasure to somebody else.

When you learn to accept, like and love yourself the other good stuff follows with surprisingly little effort. 

I think I'm all adviced out. 

Good luck, MaybeF. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MaybeF (Nov 1, 2014)

Thanks so much for taking time to write all that, Flying... You seem to really know what you're talking about.

I decided to tell the guy almost everything I've written here (I tried my best not to offend him). He took it well, and he said he's sure I can work things out, and he wants to help.

Aahhh it annoyed me to hear that... It's hard to admit I'm the one with a problem here. My mind went like: "Why don't YOU change, mister, and I'll help you!" It was a natural response from me, I guess, since I have always resisted all kinds of demands. But I try to put my feelings aside and think logically: if I'm ever going to work for some relationship, it would be this one. I mean... What's the harm. And if it turns out I will never enjoy intimacy anyway - well, at least I tried.


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

Yep,, now that you've told him, he'll try and fix you (he's a guy!) and you'll resent it.

If you can see some ironic humour in that, you're already recovering. Tell him not to push too hard for results, though.

You've also shed any guilt associated with keeping it from him - thereby freeing yourself from the scorn of moral avengers (and yourself).

And he's prepared to work with you - despite the 'resentment sex' and the issue he just learned about, so you must have plenty of positives that appeal to him.

That's a handful of plusses already. 

Work in progress made progress. 

Bravo, you. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MaybeF (Nov 1, 2014)

Thanks, I feel a lot better. Will post here about the next steps!


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

I'll probably have got myself banned by then and miss you but,,

If you stay positive I'm sure those steps will be too.

Take care. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MaybeF (Nov 1, 2014)

Flying_Dutchman said:


> I'll probably have got myself banned by then and miss you but,,
> 
> If you stay positive I'm sure those steps will be too.
> 
> ...


Oh? I hope not. (Anyway, I've come to learn that great people always have a great shadow  I sometimes think I'm one of those, but I'm not sure you'd take it as a compliment)


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

> I might be afraid of true intimacy indeed.


MaybeF, I agree with *Happy*, *Mr.B*, and *Dutchman* that you seem to be describing an _intimacy_ problem, not a sexual problem. And, *John's* questions indicate he is thinking that too. Yet, if you really do have a serious problem handling intimacy, you should be seeing it affecting your relationship outside the bedroom as well as inside. So far, you've not described any intimacy problems away from your bed. I therefore will ask a few questions to see if anything sounds familiar.

Do you have a weak self image, i.e., uncertainty about who you are and what your goals are? I ask because, if you do, you likely will find yourself very attracted to men with strong personalities who are able to help you ground and center yourself -- giving you an identity and sense of direction. Yet, as soon as they do exactly that, you will feel like you're being suffocated or engulfed by that strong personality whenever you are intimate with them. 

If that is happening, you will find it occurring both inside and outside the bedroom. The result is that you will feel an anger developing whenever you've been intimate for several hours or days. You will find yourself feeling controlled, for example, immediately after an intimate evening spent together -- or in the middle of a great vacation. If so, your subconscious will protect you from that feeling by creating anger and projecting it onto your partner. 

In that way, you would find yourself becoming angry and starting an argument -- out of thin air -- as a way to push him away and give yourself breathing space. Does this sound familiar? If so, you likely have what is called a "fear of engulfment." Significantly, the people having this fear do not fear intimacy. On the contrary, they usually crave intimacy. What they fear is the engulfment (feeling of being suffocated or controlled) that is triggered by intimacy.



MaybeF said:


> I'm not very stable emotionally. I cry too easily etc.


By itself, being quick to cry indicates sensitivity, not instability. So far, you've said nothing to demonstrate an instability problem. If you really are unstable, however, it should be evident in a repeated pattern of push-him-away and pull-him-back, resulting in a series of roller-coaster relationships that end when the men get tired of the tumultuous ride. 

If that has been happening -- and if you don't have a drug or hormone problem -- the two common explanations are a _mood disorder_ (e.g., bipolar) and _fear_. Because you say nothing to indicate you have a mood disorder arising from body chemistry changes, I will address only FEAR as a possible explanation. 

Importantly, having a great fear of engulfment typically is not sufficient to produce emotional instability. People who fear only engulfment generally push their partners away but they don't pull them back. Yet, when that _engulfment fear_ is combined with a strong _abandonment fear_, people have a strong need to pull those partners back. 

The presence of both fears creates emotionally unstable behavior. The reason is that these two fears lie at the opposite ends of the very same spectrum. Unfortunately, this means you are always in a lose-lose situation because, as you back away from one fear to avoid triggering it, you necessarily are drawing closer to the other fear. 

That is, as soon as you push the man away to reduce your engulfment fear, you will eventually find -- a few days or weeks later -- that you've triggered your great fear of abandonment. Hence, the push-away will be followed by a pull-back period in which you do love bombing to bring him back. Hopefully, none of this sounds familiar because -- as Mr.B said -- an issue like this would be difficult to treat.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Flying_Dutchman said:


> I'll probably have got myself banned by then_._


Well, Dutch, I'm sure glad you got to write *post #27* before getting banned. Wonderful post!


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## MaybeF (Nov 1, 2014)

Uptown said:


> That is, as soon as you push the man away to reduce your engulfment fear, you will eventually find -- a few days or weeks later -- that you've triggered your great fear of abandonment. Hence, the push-away will be followed by a pull-back period in which you do love bombing to bring him back. Hopefully, none of this sounds familiar because -- as Mr.B said -- an issue like this would be difficult to treat.


Sounds so complicated, yet familiar. I wish I wouldn't have to think about anything, I could just have sex or not have sex but not waste my time solving such issues.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

MaybeF said:


> I get attracted to guys easily, and when I do, I want to sleep with them asap.


This above, coupled with this below....




> However, I realized that the sexual pleasure of my SO makes me - angry! It annoys me that he gets so excited and feels so special. I don't like the fact that he gets so close to me emotionally. I feel like just having an orgasm and being very non-chalant about making love - just to show him that I don't think sex with him is anything special.


should perhaps get you to possibly realize that you shouldn't have a SO and instead just one night stands?

Maybe commitment isn't in the cards for you.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Op maybe you're just more honest than most women.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

MaybeF said:


> I am a woman, and I enjoy having sex. Sometimes I think about it more, sometimes less, I masturbate regularly. I get attracted to guys easily, and when I do, I want to sleep with them asap.
> 
> However, I realized that the sexual pleasure of my SO makes me - angry! It annoys me that he gets so excited and feels so special. I don't like the fact that he gets so close to me emotionally. I feel like just having an orgasm and being very non-chalant about making love - just to show him that I don't think sex with him is anything special.


What do you want? You're in a relationship so you must want something it's giving you but you feel pressured and resentful because he's more emotionally into you than you are to him. It seems like you need a certain kind of guy and the guy you're with is not him.

I really think you guys are incompatible and will both regret staying together eventually.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I recognize this, this is an emotional defense mechanism set up to protect you. I am the same way thanks to my csa that certain family members knew all about and did nothing. It cost me a lot of years of true intimacy, though I think it wasn't until age 31 when I met my 2nd husband that I started to be capable of it. I'm now 40 and have only recently realized that the kind of emotional control you think gives you strength does not, it is in fact weakness. There is strength in avoiding vulnerability, real strength comes from allowing oneself be vulnerable and facing the fallout of that, but the reward is great. Get some therapy, I came to my conclusion without it but it took me a lot longer. You're only 26....start living your life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Runs like Dog said:


> Op maybe you're just more honest than most women.



Nailed it.


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

Uptown said:


> Well, Dutch, I'm sure glad you got to write *post #27* before getting banned. Wonderful post!


Thanks, Uptown. 
It's nice to know I'm eroding my thumb typing stuff people actually read. I'd do it anyway, but feedback is still encouraging.



MaybeF said:


> Oh? I hope not. (Anyway, I've come to learn that great people always have a great shadow  I sometimes think I'm one of those, but I'm not sure you'd take it as a compliment)


At my age, I'm more shadow than substance,, and I'd be a hypocrite if I coudn't attempt a positive spin on anything short of "F**k off, you braindead loser!" - Rest assured I'll be filing it under "Compliments." I hope I'll never be too old to enjoy an ego boost. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

john117 said:


> Nailed it.


It's a very degrading viewpoint. Once you know this, it's not really wise to keep laying up with someone like this.

They could've worked with you and got it right, but your not even given the chance, provided a permenant label.


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## MaybeF (Nov 1, 2014)

Runs like Dog said:


> Op maybe you're just more honest than most women.


I just want to know what the problem is and whether it can be solved before it's too late. There's no way I'm getting married if that means dooming myself into having an unbalanced sex life for forever. To make love to him and always resent? No thanks!

I know a lot of people here don't get enough sex and that's why they can only think how this is not fair to my guy... But I'm thinking of myself and my happiness here, which is also allowed! It will not bring me fulfillment to share a life with him and always be avoiding intimate moments. For those thinking that I want to "trap" him into a marriage, and then declare it sex-free... Why on Earth would I ever do that? There's nothing I "need" from him - my career is going really well, I've got friends, I've got a happy life in general. I don't even want children (yet?), just to point out that I'm not planning to use this man for that either. I just love him, and if these problems of mine are treatable, I'd love him to be my other half in this life.

But... I either want a fulfilling relationship - for me - that really works, or... I stay free and single. Nothing about my future is carved in stone yet.


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## MaybeF (Nov 1, 2014)

lifeistooshort said:


> I recognize this, this is an emotional defense mechanism set up to protect you. I am the same way thanks to my csa that certain family members knew all about and did nothing. It cost me a lot of years of true intimacy, though I think it wasn't until age 31 when I met my 2nd husband that I started to be capable of it. I'm now 40 and have only recently realized that the kind of emotional control you think gives you strength does not, it is in fact weakness. There is strength in avoiding vulnerability, real strength comes from allowing oneself be vulnerable and facing the fallout of that, but the reward is great. Get some therapy, I came to my conclusion without it but it took me a lot longer. You're only 26....start living your life.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Could you, please, elaborate how you started enjoying intimacy? I'd like to learn how to do that, step by step.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

MaybeF said:


> Could you, please, elaborate how you started enjoying intimacy? I'd like to learn how to do that, step by step.


It sounds like they are saying these walls we hold up to make us feel stronger, to "protect" us infact make it impossible to get close and experience true strength in vulerability, which is going to be more intimate. I agree...


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

MaybeF said:


> But... I either want a fulfilling relationship - for me - that really works, or... I stay free and single.


For you I'd recommend you adhere to the latter. Stay free and single. Because right now I don't think there is such a thing as a fulfilling relationship for you. Again, right NOW. Not in the future if you can get your urges to have sex with every man you get excited over. 

And maybe you will never get rid of that urge and probably need to stay single indefinitely.

But for right now its obvious you should be single until you figure out if you can handle a relationship.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> I recognize this, this is an emotional defense mechanism set up to protect you. I am the same way thanks to my csa that certain family members knew all about and did nothing. It cost me a lot of years of true intimacy, though I think it wasn't until age 31 when I met my 2nd husband that I started to be capable of it. I'm now 40 and have only recently realized that the kind of emotional control you think gives you strength does not, it is in fact weakness. There is strength in avoiding vulnerability, *real strength comes from allowing oneself be vulnerable and facing the fallout of that, but the reward is great. * Get some therapy, I came to my conclusion without it but it took me a lot longer. You're only 26....start living your life.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


THIS! If I could go back and tell myself only one single thing it would be THIS! Or perhaps to buy Microsoft stock... 

OP, you need therapy. Using this forum in conjunction with therapy is helpful, but you won't get anywhere if you're only exploring your issues here.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

MaybeF said:


> I just want to know what the problem is and whether it can be solved before it's too late. There's no way I'm getting married if that means dooming myself into having an unbalanced sex life for forever. To make love to him and always resent? No thanks!
> 
> I know a lot of people here don't get enough sex and that's why they can only think how this is not fair to my guy... But I'm thinking of myself and my happiness here, which is also allowed! It will not bring me fulfillment to share a life with him and always be avoiding intimate moments. For those thinking that I want to "trap" him into a marriage, and then declare it sex-free... Why on Earth would I ever do that? There's nothing I "need" from him - my career is going really well, I've got friends, I've got a happy life in general. I don't even want children (yet?), just to point out that I'm not planning to use this man for that either. I just love him, and if these problems of mine are treatable, I'd love him to be my other half in this life.
> 
> But... I either want a fulfilling relationship - for me - that really works, or... I stay free and single. Nothing about my future is carved in stone yet.



In therapy, you can discover what it is about true intimacy that you avoid. 

I would suggest that you don't really love this guy. I would wonder why it is that you don't love him. Why do you feel that his pleasure mitigates your pleasure, because you must know intellectually, that ain't love sweetheart.

When you see a baby laugh does it make you also laugh? Are you capable of empathy at all?


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> In therapy, you can discover what it is about true intimacy that you avoid.
> 
> I would suggest that you don't really love this guy. I would wonder why it is that you don't love him. Why do you feel that his pleasure mitigates your pleasure, because you must know intellectually, that ain't love sweetheart.
> 
> When you see a baby laugh does it make you also laugh? Are you capable of empathy at all?


She's hard core single. There is no love, you might be a "fan" of someone though. She's not a "fan" of his because he is a "normal" guy, so when he's getting into it, it's driving her crazy because he's thinking it's good, when I'm sure it is to him, but she's not a fan enough of his to be super excited.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

MaybeF said:


> Flying Dutchman... Excellent points. I shouldn't beat myself up for something I didn't even cause myself.
> 
> It's just that the situation I'm in feels pretty urgent to me. The man I'm in love with is really my soulmate, and I feel that if I can't sort my problems out in time, he will get tired and leave. I guess I shouldn't be afraid of that, but I have never met someone with whom I'd like to start a family so badly.


The absolute, most important thing when you have a problem is realizing that it is a problem and trying to solve it. So, you've got half the battle won already. 

If your partner senses that anything is wrong, make sure that he knows how important he is to you and that you are willing do whatever it takes work things out.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

MaybeF said:


> However, I realized that the sexual pleasure of my SO makes me - angry! It annoys me that he gets so excited and feels so special. I don't like the fact that he gets so close to me emotionally. I feel like just having an orgasm and being very non-chalant about making love - just to show him that I don't think sex with him is anything special.
> 
> I can't understand why I don't want to share the pleasure with him - he can easily please me in bed). I would like to share my life with him, but these odd feelings of mine are getting in the way.


It sounds like you resent him and are emotionally unavailable. 

Your behavior doesn't sound like you love him, despite you saying you do.

Maybe you don't want a monogamous relationship with him. Or maybe you are trying to find a way to get out of the relationship.

Most people enjoy giving their partner pleasure.

My advice is to dump him so he can find someone who does want to share in his pleasure and emotions. 

Get therapy. Only you know the reason why you are this way.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

MaybeF said:


> But I try to put my feelings aside and think logically: *if I'm ever going to work for some relationship, it would be this one*. I mean... What's the harm. And if it turns out I will never enjoy intimacy anyway - well, at least I tried.


Then you have to start seeing a therapist that specializes in emotional intimacy issues. 

A therapist can help you identify the roots of your problems, help you recognize when you are acting out because of your intimacy issues so you can stop sabotaging yourself, help you recognize your defense mechanisms and how to move past them, help you communicate, give you exercises you can do with your boyfriend to slowly get beyond the walls you've built up, etc.

If you're serious about wanting to have a real relationship with this guy, then you have to take the first steps by starting to see a psychiatrist. There really isn't any other way at this point - you have to face the issue. It won't magically get better on its own. We can't give you step by step advice because intimacy issues run deep and are generally developed during childhood.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

MaybeF said:


> if I'm ever going to work for some relationship, it would be this one.


Actually, you need to LOSE this relationship. Losing a good man like this may just be the kick in the ass you need to change.




> I mean... What's the harm. And if it turns out I will never enjoy intimacy anyway - well, *at least I tried*.


Whats the harm? The fact that with your attitude you are NOT trying. Hell here he is even taking the news well and still thinking he can help and wants to stay with you. Honestly, I'd like to take him out for a beer and tell him to wake up. No offense to him because he sounds like a great man.

The other harm is that you will simply waste his time and expect everything to be your way or the highway.

Just let him go. He doesn't know what he is getting himself into. He is somehow blinded by puppy love or something and doesn't see what you are telling us (i.e. thinking that his kind and decent response was annoying and that somehow its HE that has to change). Spare him, please.


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## Melvynman (Mar 19, 2014)

One of the the fastest growing porn fetishes is "cuckolding." Sounds like a lifestyle you might look into before getting married. It little extreme but very popular.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Perhaps more precisely, she has deep feelings for him and WANTS to love him. That is a good thing. Love is a learned attribute.
It must be tested by both time and circumstance, nurtured, endured through difficulties, the 'blahs', et.

Still, wanting to love is a great positive and can often lead to the real thing.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Melvynman said:


> One of the the fastest growing porn fetishes is "cuckolding." Sounds like a lifestyle you might look into before getting married. It little extreme but very popular.


So your asking her to cuckhold him ontop of it? That would be completely devastating.


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

vellocet said:


> Actually, you need to LOSE this relationship. Losing a good man like this may just be the kick in the ass you need to change.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


You are mistaken.

MaybeF doesn't need 'kicking', physically or psychologically. She needs support and encouragement to work through an 'issue' that's blighting her life.


Her 'resentment issue' is not an attitude. An attitude is a position one willingly adopts. Her attitude is her positive decision to confront, 'fix' or learn to live with her issue.


Her adult partner is making an informed choice and exercising his right to stand by his gal. He CAN help, if only by standing by her and letting her know she's not alone in trying to tackle this thing. Just as he's chosen to stay, he can choose to leave at any time. So long as he's not hurting the rest of us physically or financially, we have no business telling another adult what choices he can and can't make.


Yeah, he does sound like a great guy,, and great guys make their best effort to support their partners, not flee at the first sign of trouble. MaybeF thinks he's a great guy too. That's why she's seeking help - so that they might BOTH be happier. 


She is not wasting his time. Again, he is choosing what to do with his own time. In the event that they do split up later, he can tell himself that he tried - just as thousands of others give their best efforts to work through their problems. Trying to tackle a problem creates more emotional positives than the guilt associated with cowardly flight. 


You may be right that he doesn't know what he's getting himself into,, but neither do you. Neither do I. The fact remains that he has the right to take risks with his emotional wellbeing, just as a skydiver has a right to risk his or her physical wellbeing.

Maybe I missed it, but I don't recall MaybeF blaming her fella for her resentment. Over and over, she says it rises from within her. It's something that, for the moment, she can neither get rid of or control.

In summation - this couple have mutually agreed to work on an issue towards a better future. Neither is holding a gun to the other. One or both can elect to leave/split at any time.

Every one of us risks emotional damage when we embark on a relationship. One or both partners risk emotional damage when we split up. People risk emotional damage when they choose to care for partners with dementia, bi-polar disorders, ADHD, PTSD and thousands of other conditions. They do it cuz they love one another. It'll be a sorry day when we start telling people who they can't love and support because they might get hurt. Yeah, they might,, but frequently they get better too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

MaybeF said:


> Could you, please, elaborate how you started enjoying intimacy? I'd like to learn how to do that, step by step.


You have to conquer your fears, the ones in your mind, the ones that are causing you to get uncomfortable and prickly and wanting to create distance.

You're halfway there. You already recognize that you are deliberately creating and maintaining distance, and you recognize when you're doing it, too, like what you said here:



> My mind went like: "Why don't YOU change, mister, and I'll help you!" It was a natural response from me, I guess, since I have always resisted all kinds of demands.


So now you have to learn to stop your mind from automatically going to those kinds of thoughts, and change them into a more positive perspective. And you have a more positive perspective already - you do believe he's a soulmate, a great guy, someone you want to be emotionally close with. 

HOW to do that is not something we can tell you, as you have to learn to do it for yourself. That's the "work" part of working through _your _intimacy issues. I think that's where a therapist can help you.

It's _fantastic _that you've told your bf about this. That's a huge step toward emotional intimacy. Opening yourself up to someone else like you did, being vulnerable and letting them into your head IS emotional intimacy, so you aren't starting from scratch here. Great foundation!


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

MaybeF said:


> I just want to know what the problem is and whether it can be solved before it's too late.


MaybeF, several of us responding in this thread are trying to help you identify the warning signs that may be pointing to a particular emotional problem. We cannot do that, however, without more information. It therefore would be helpful if you would answer my question (in post #38) as to whether you have a weak self image, i.e., uncertainty about who you are and what your goals are?

Providing that answer would help us address John's earlier question about your possibly being emotionally unstable. As I noted in my post, your response to John -- that you are unstable because you cry easily -- is insufficient to demonstrate instability.

Unfortunately, your only response to my post was that it "sounds complicated, yet familiar." What would be helpful is a response telling us which of the behaviors and feelings I described are the very familiar ones. Do you strongly identify, for example, with the engulfment fear or the abandonment fear I described? As I noted in that post, people suffering from one of those fears have great problems tolerating sustained intimacy. And people suffering from both of those fears typically are emotionally unstable, resulting in a relationship cycle of push-away and pull-back.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

It depends on your definition of stable, really. And things are not always what they appear. Someone may project an awesome picture of confidence in public but have a lot of fears in a more intimate setting. This I something you need to think about.

By looks alone I'm not very emotionally stable. I get excited way too easily, go off target, become animated, and pour my soul into what I'm doing while having fun doing it. I can defend something or convict it to the scrap heap in seemingly an instant. I can go cold to hot and back in an instant. And that's at work :rofl:. But I get the work done and all of that is just a facade. 

In more intimate settings I'm far more peaceful and "together". It takes serious effort to make me blink. A lot harder to make me upset. I'm very calculating, very deliberate. Very mindful. And very stable.

My wife is the opposite. In a work setting she projects an awesome aura of competence, cool cucumber, just the facts Ma'am type lady commensurate with her education and experience. That's her facade.

In a more intimate setting she becomes nervous, disconnected, can't regulate emotions, gets angry quickly, blames everyone else, the works. The "day after" is not generally a good day for her. Lucky for her not many of those lately 

This is a lot more than introvert versus extrovert. It's about how you manage what you have. It's not that one type is better than another. We have different approaches in life and different ways to handle things. It's the way we approach issues that makes it different. It's not about behaving like someone else but it's all about understanding why we behave the way we do. That's key.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

MaybeF said:


> Could you, please, elaborate how you started enjoying intimacy? I'd like to learn how to do that, step by step.


First you have to make sure you have a partner that you trust completely to have your back. If you don't have that don't even bother.
Once you do, you take it one step at a time. Imagine how safe you are with him and try to let yourself go a little at a time, and remember that he is not anyone from your past. He is his own person worthy of of your vulnerability until he proves he isn't. Talk to him as you're comfortable, which it sounds like you did. Take pleasure in the fact that he shows you his vulnerability with his pleasure, and he has to trust you to do that.

I can't say I'm always successful at this, but I am getting better. Remember that life is very short, and you waste precious time keeping a wall up. One step at a time, and feel free to PM me if you want to talk more.


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

" real strength comes from allowing oneself be vulnerable and facing the fallout of that, but the reward is great. Get some therapy, I came to"

An abused child, now an adult, finds it almost impossible to allow themselves to be vulnerable. They fought their whole lives to shield themselves from the hurt that is always expected from those they care about (to the best of their ability under the circumstances) To ask these people to suddenly shed the armor for something they have never experienced (sexual and emotional intimacy) is like asking them to lean into a punch. It goes against every grain of common sense. Many a therapist has tried, most have failed.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

And that's why they're called personality disorders...

There is some confusion between the concepts of vulnerability and being taken advantage of. One can be strong yet vulnerable (desired outcome) or weak yet not taken advantage of due to flat out rejection or stubbornness or refusal to share or other strong feelings (not desired outcome).


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Mr B said:


> " real strength comes from allowing oneself be vulnerable and facing the fallout of that, but the reward is great. Get some therapy, I came to"
> 
> An abused child, now an adult, finds it almost impossible to allow themselves to be vulnerable. They fought their whole lives to shield themselves from the hurt that is always expected from those they care about (to the best of their ability under the circumstances) To ask these people to suddenly shed the armor for something they have never experienced (sexual and emotional intimacy) is like asking them to lean into a punch. It goes against every grain of common sense. Many a therapist has tried, most have failed.



I was an abused child, so I know very well how difficult it is be vulnerable. It's not impossible; very difficult, but not impossible. That's why I said if you don't have complete trust in your partner don't even bother, because that's requirement number one. I'm not successful all the time, but I do have moments, and those moments where it doesn't blow up in my face are extremely rewarding. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

Flying_Dutchman said:


> You are mistaken.
> 
> MaybeF doesn't need 'kicking', physically or psychologically. She needs support and encouragement to work through an 'issue' that's blighting her life.


Having read her posts, she isn't going to get it unless she faces losing him. Its going to take something like that before she sheds the desire to shag every man she is attracted to and wants to have sex with them ASAP.




> Her adult partner is making an informed choice and exercising his right to stand by his gal.


Does he have an informed choice? Because what I'm reading is that he doesn't really know whats going on inside her head. He "stands by her" as you say, but not knowing that even his standing by her annoys her and she wants to throw it on him. 

He doesn't know what she is really thinking.




> He CAN help, if only by standing by her and letting her know she's not alone in trying to tackle this thing.


I agree. But only when she decides to tell him exactly what she if feeling and the resentment she feels even at his willingness to "help" her. Seems to me she is just looking for an excuse to keep it going because she doesn't want to make up her mind....monogamy with him, or sex with men she wants.




> Just as he's chosen to stay, he can choose to leave at any time.


But she isn't telling him everything. Only when he knows just the kind of resentment and attitude of contempt towards him can he make an informed decision. 



> Yeah, he does sound like a great guy,, and great guys make their best effort to support their partners, not flee at the first sign of trouble.



We aren't talking about just a run of the mill trouble. We are talking about a woman that is making excuses, and resenting a man for being a good man so that she can justify her feelings and actions of boffing other men.




> She is not wasting his time. Again, he is choosing what to do with his own time.


Nope. She is wasting his time because he doesn't know what is truly going on. 




> You may be right that he doesn't know what he's getting himself into,, but neither do you.


I know that she isn't telling him the entire truth and that he isn't seeing the seething hatred and anger towards him over being a great guy. 

Did she tell him she wants to F other men ASAP when she is attracted to someone? Did we ever find out if she actually IS F'g other men?

Maybe I missed it, but I don't think that question has been answered.

Bottom line, he is NOT fully informed as you would say.

So at the very least, she needs to see a therapist and tell her everything she is telling us. But I still say the other thing that might snap her out of it is the risk of losing him.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

MaybeF said:


> I decided to tell the guy almost everything I've written here


Almost everything?

Did you tell him that you get attracted to guys easily and want to have sex with them ASAP?

DO you have sex with other men? If not, then at least that's good.

But when you say almost everything, what parts are you leaving out and why?


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## Coldie (Jan 2, 2014)

Control issue.

You don't want to seem weak. You see sex as something that makes you weak or vulnerable and because of that, you refuse to let him know you enjoy it.

Can you fix it? Sure, if you wanted to fix it. If you just have boyfriends, no husband, probably not. Any advice I would give would be something I'd tell a wife. As a girl who is just with a boyfriend, I think it would be horrible advice to suggest you give up your control or let this guy who may not be there in a month know he had total control over you.

If you were married, different story. Your husband is your life mate and someone you should let have total control over you (at some points). My advice would be to you if you were married, purposely practice giving him compliments after he was with you. At least, until you feel comfortable knowing he took your body and you loved it, and let him know you loved it.


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