# Just found out, wife was chatting online with another guy



## TrustDestroyed (Jul 13, 2021)

Hey all, I (mid-30’s male) just found out my wife (early 40’s female, “Rachel” not her real name), was chatting with some guy online from a stupid mobile game. Sorry for the novel below, it's long but this is my only outlet right now. 

Background:
4 Kids three of them are at home, two are over 18, one is going to be a senior next year, and the youngest will be in 7th grade next year (12 yo). 
(Two oldest are my step kids but I have raised them since they were in 1st grade and kindergarten so they’re my kids, 3rd oldest is mine from a previous marriage but my wife adopted her legally several years back)

Together for almost 16 years

D-Day was Saturday July, 10th at about 4 am.


It went on for about a month, and she ended it a week or 2 before I found out. No “I love you’s that I saw” but what I would characterize as HEAVY flirting/light sexting. There were a few things she said to him about him getting to claim parts of her that haunt my every waking moment, that she allowed him a piece of her and she knew it, he outright said it. 

I had suspicions and asked her SPECFICALLY about this one guy in the game, and that woman looked me dead in the eyes, hands on each of my cheeks, and lied straight to my face about it. I believe the inappropriate banter had been stopped by her prior to this however she definitely lied when I confronted her. Thankfully I have learned when my gut is screaming at me this loud to not ever ignore it, and I am an IT Security Engineer and damn good at my job. We have an open phone policy, I did some digging, didn’t retrieve ALL of what had happened, some of it is simply unrecoverable, but what I saw was basically what was described above. This took me about a week from when I first asked to when I had my smoking gun evidence. 

So 4:30 AM Saturday I wake her up (time is because I had just finished archiving the evidence I was able to find and went straight to confrontation) ask her about specific accounts she deleted on apps and I recovered, she initially tried to lie to my face again saying it must be someone else’s but that lasted all of 2-3 minutes before she realized there was no lying out of this and she was caught dead to rights. She admitted she never would have told me (even though we have both explicitly stated that is what we both would want in that circumstance and committed to doing this for each other).

A little more context, something like this happened a few years ago. My wife was in a depression because of more than a decade of abuse by my narcissist mother. She was in a different MMO game and my gut told me something was off, I caught the VERY beginning of inappropriate flirtatious texts in game. But it wasn’t directed really at just one person and it had JUST started so she didn’t even recognize it for what it was yet. We went to MC and resolved our issues at the time, and almost every single aspect of our marriage was better for YEARS. I communicated better, did regular check in’s with her, not going to claim I was perfect but I sure as hell TRIED to be. 

I have also been NC with my narcissist mother since that time (as well as my brother & SIL who live with her). Please note that this will continue regardless of what happens with my wife and I, this is not an instance of my wife trying to isolate me from family. I also made it clear that something like this couldn’t happen again, and it was absolutely cheating in my book (this is why she felt the need to lie, but I am afraid that this is her default response to anything she feels will damage the relationship severely, she is honest (or at least I think she is, who the hell knows) in most other aspects but I still believe that if there is something else that happened and I didn’t find she is not going to tell me about it.


For further context this probably stings more because my first wife ran off with a guy she met on Xbox Live. But to be honest she did me a favor doing that, I don’t feel the same way about this however, this was the healthiest relationship I have ever had, it was for the most part (excluding these incidents) the most respectful and loving relationship I have ever had. We’ve never engaged in name calling, never tried to hurt each other intentionally, had a great sex life, we could damn near read each other’s minds most of the time. Everyone thought we were the greatest couple ever and our relationship was one that the envy of so many of our friends. 


I have been with my wife for over a 1/3rd of my life at this point and I wanted nothing more than to grow old with her. But I am devastated at this point and I don’t know how she’s going to ever be able to rebuild any semblance of trust. The first physical contact I have had with her since D-Day was a hug this morning before work. We are living in the house together, and she is giving me the space I need, being respectful of my wishes. The kids know nothing right now, I don’t think she’s told anybody about this (other than the suicide prevention line she called the morning after I confronted her), I haven’t really told anybody yet, this is my outlet for that.

She is setting up IC and I have given her a couple questions I want the answers to and I told her she could set up MC at that point but I make NO promises about the outcome. I am willing to go to MC because there was just so much good about our life together. Also this is not just about me and her, this is about my kids as well, especially the youngest. 

I know why she lied, she was afraid this was going to be the end of our marriage. I also know she is very insecure because I lost A LOT of weight a few years ago (I can still lose some more but I am down over 100LBS and she is still fairly overweight) but I have been NOTHING but 100% faithful and in love with her, she was still the only woman I wanted and our sex life only increased because I could do more. I even made extra efforts to be open and transparent with her to try to alleviate the anxiety and fear I know I would have had if the roles were reversed. I made sure to share every password, and shared my location with her on a map app, not because she asked me to, but because I wanted to help reassure her. 

But now I have NO idea what else happened other than what I can confirm myself because I have to go on her word. I could probably get over the chats but the loss of trust is just so devastating right now I don’t know how to overcome it, especially as this is not the first time. Yes, she did end the inappropriate talk on her own (I THINK she is telling the truth about that, but she still talked to him as friends and about the game up until D-Day). And she, by her own admission, was never going to tell me about it.

I know this is tame compared to what many have gone through but this is killing me. I have cried more in the past 3 days than I have the entire time I have known her. I feel utterly betrayed and I cannot trust anyone in this world right now, not even myself. I am going to give MC a shot after she starts with IC, but I just don’t know how we could possibly rebuild the trust after the way she lied to me, and the fact that this is not the first time. She has offered me pretty much anything, including an uncontested divorce and was willing to walk away with nothing and give me full custody of the kids as long as visitation is liberal (I won’t let that happen, if we divorce it will be fair, I still respect and care for her, hell I still love her more than anything but even without that I have no desire to destroy or impoverish her). 


For now, however we will be signing a post-nuptial agreement with fair terms should we divorce (no alimony, 50-50 custody of the kids if possible, if not then custody for me with liberal visitation for her and no child support [I earn about double what she does, she’ll have a hard enough time on her own]). There’s a house and few other assets we would figure out what to do with (as I said I think I will have to force her to take some of it but I refuse to be unfair about this), we would each keep our own retirement accounts. This will grant me some level of security while we work through MC, and alleviate much of that fear and uncertainty about outcomes should it fail. 

Sorry for the novel, I don’t even know if I am asking anything here (maybe if anybody doesn't think it's a lost cause to try to rebuild trust again after all of this?). I think I just mostly needed to vent, I have nobody else to confide in right now. I have been alternating between homicidal anger (no, I’m not going to hurt anybody, I didn’t even call her a nasty name when I found out), utter and complete depression (the anger is becoming less frequent, the sadness is taking its place), and numbness. I just needed to get this off of my chest. Feel free to leave comments or ask questions, I will answer them as I am able to.

TL;DR: Just another sad story and venting, you probably don’t need to waste your time with it.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

So there is no physical affair, just emotional?


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## TrustDestroyed (Jul 13, 2021)

Sfort said:


> So there is no physical affair, just emotional?


Yes, that's correct.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Cheating is cheating, the only difference is the degree of cheating and even that is really up to the subjective view of the betrayed spouse, namely you. Why has she not deleted anything associated to him (i.e. the game) ?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

You will always be married to a woman you would be a fool to trust. Up to you.


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## TrustDestroyed (Jul 13, 2021)

Lostinthought61 said:


> Cheating is cheating, the only difference is the degree of cheating and even that is really up to the subjective view of the betrayed spouse, namely you. Why has she not deleted anything associated to him (i.e. the game) ?


Well she did once she finally confessed. She had blocked him on Telegram (couldn't recover anything from that program), she made a new discord without the sexting and just game talk after she stopped the inappropriate chatting. Since D-Day she hasn't played the game at all and hasn't talked to him in any capacity. 

I have told her not to delete anything else at this time as I may be doing another dive in when I feel I can to check for anything else I may have missed. I think I have everything I can recover but I am not 100% on that yet.


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## TrustDestroyed (Jul 13, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> You will always be married to a woman you would be a fool to trust. Up to you.


This may be the case, and honestly I am leaning towards divorce for this reason. Not sure how she could rebuild trust after this.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

How is she reacting to the fear that you will divorce her ? I am curious if she is crying and begging to save the marriage?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Women that chase these feelings with men..... it’s an addiction. This is the second time.
There will be a third.

My opinion is these interactive online games and such—- its the most fertile ground for infidelity in the history of mankind.

In her defense, if she stopped the inappropriate stuff on her own. That’s something.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

she needs to get her act together before you get tired of having to spy on her and loose all trust , I think she should think about given up these games , 
I would ask her to even think about given up all social media for a while at least ,


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## TrustDestroyed (Jul 13, 2021)

Lostinthought61 said:


> How is she reacting to the fear that you will divorce her ? I am curious if she is crying and begging to save the marriage?


She VERY much wants to save the marriage. She is crying a lot but is trying to avoid doing it in front of me. She is not begging but that's not for lack of want to save the marriage, it's because she knows I wouldn't want it and she is respecting my request for space. She is setting up IC for herself and she has some questions I asked (I am sure the usual whys that most others want answered) that she says she will try to figure out in counseling. She will pretty much do anything I ask at this point (I don't abuse that at all).

She is taking the blame on herself totally to her credit, hasn't tried to shift any on me. I know she is having suicidal thoughts I have seen the chats with suicide prevention lines but I don't believe she is currently in immediate danger, if I do feel she is I will certainly take steps to help her.


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## Killi (May 12, 2021)

TrustDestroyed said:


> We went to MC


MC is good for solving issues like communication stuff but when its about infidelity it's just fooling yourself to act like the real issue doesn't exist. For such issues MC is just a scam and should be avoided entirely. 


TrustDestroyed said:


> Sorry for the novel, I don’t even know if I am asking anything here (maybe if anybody doesn't think it's a lost cause to try to rebuild trust again after all of this?). I think I just mostly needed to vent, I have nobody else to confide in right now. I have been alternating between homicidal anger (no, I’m not going to hurt anybody, I didn’t even call her a nasty name when I found out), utter and complete depression (the anger is becoming less frequent, the sadness is taking its place), and numbness. I just needed to get this off of my chest. Feel free to leave comments or ask questions, I will answer them as I am able to.


Hit the gym or some martial arts dojo/gym.


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## MEA (Jul 12, 2021)

I don’t think you should say things like “this isn’t as big as many issues here,” because this is. It’s a huge trust issue.
Cheating is cheating. The only difference between this a physical cheating is the possibility of STDs.

You’ve discovered that you cannot trust your wife, and that she enjoys the feeling of emotional cheating with another man.
Her insecurities over your weight loss are also incredibly selfish. She should be happy for you and ideally should also be striving to lose weight alongside you.
So you have a selfish, cheating wife.

You could stay and drive yourself mad with jealousy anytime she is online from now on, and potentially wind up with a physical cheater down the road, or you could start to evaluate whether you deserve a spouse who loves you more than they love themselves.

More people than you may be aware of are healing from narcissistic parental scars. That is definitely not an excuse for cheating or selfishness. In fact, there is NEVER an excuse for cheating. Cheaters cheat. It’s just what they do. The excuses are part of the game.


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## TrustDestroyed (Jul 13, 2021)

frenchpaddy said:


> she needs to get her act together before you get tired of having to spy on her and loose all trust , I think she should think about given up these games ,
> I would ask her to even think about given up all social media for a while at least ,


She'd do that in a heartbeat if I asked her to. I think she has pretty much stayed off of it since D-day except to scroll her family's Facebook feeds. But you're right that I have no desire to play digital spy at home for the rest of my life. I suppose I am waiting to see what IC gets her and at that point what, if anything MC can do for us.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

It’s the nature of the beast with those games.
If she stopped it on her own, you May have something to work with. But the online gaming would have to stop. She likes the attention and the fantasy crap going on in her head.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

how do you feel about getting some help for the two of you to talk with


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## TrustDestroyed (Jul 13, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> It’s the nature of the beast with those games.
> If she stopped it on her own, you May have something to work with. But the online gaming would have to stop. She likes the attention and the fantasy crap going on in her head.


I do think that she's telling the truth about having stopped it on her own, I honestly do. I suppose this is all still just too fresh and early for me to have any idea of what's what yet.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Jumping into MC is the worst thing you could do. The marriage isn’t broken she is.

Marriage Counselors are not gods and from what I’ve seen more than 50% are rugsweepers.

Good chance they’ll blame you which is BS.

BEWARE!!!!


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## TrustDestroyed (Jul 13, 2021)

frenchpaddy said:


> how do you feel about getting some help for the two of you to talk with


I gave her a few questions I want answers to, once she has them I told her to set up MC. 

She is already trying to get scheduled with her old therapist and failing that will set up a new one. I suspect she will need a few sessions before she can begin to answer those questions though. After that I did promise I would attend MC with her but told her that I make no promises what the outcome will be. It could lead to reconciliation, or cementing the fact that we need to split. I am leaning towards divorce now but this is just a few days old and there's been no real time for anything to have happened to give me any hope trust could be restored. 

I am not acting rashly on this, there's too much at play to make snap decisions. But I am 100% moving on the post nuptial agreement this week to protect me.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

TrustDestroyed said:


> She'd do that in a heartbeat if I asked her to. I think she has pretty much stayed off of it since D-day except to scroll her family's Facebook feeds. But you're right that I have no desire to play digital spy at home for the rest of my life. I suppose I am waiting to see what IC gets her and at that point what, if anything MC can do for us.


it is not easy place that you find yourself in now , and what makes it worse is the fact your first wife did the same type thing , 

yes I think you are lucky that you found this in time, 
did she tell you why she did it , i wish you the best as your not the type to through out the baby with the water


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## TrustDestroyed (Jul 13, 2021)

Marc878 said:


> Jumping into MC is the worst thing you could do. The marriage isn’t broken she is.
> 
> Marriage Counselors are not gods and from what I’ve seen more than 50% are rugsweepers.
> 
> ...


Trust me, I am NOT going to be taking **** from a rugsweeper or blame shifter. I have had awful counselors and some great ones, I don't mind shopping for the right one. I will see if the one we went to previously is available, I liked her a lot.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

TrustDestroyed said:


> I do think that she's telling the truth about having stopped it on her own, I honestly do. I suppose this is all still just too fresh and early for me to have any idea of what's what yet.


All cheaters lie a lot. Most betrayed always do the “it’s my fault so maybe I can fix it. Nope, sure isn’t.
They also swallow the lies because the truth is to hard to take and will avoid decisions and look for excuses to not do anything.

You’re only a chump if you allow it. Sorry man but if you don’t get strong and deal with this you’ll get more. This is the second time. That you know of.


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## TrustDestroyed (Jul 13, 2021)

frenchpaddy said:


> it is not easy place that you find yourself in now , and what makes it worse is the fact your first wife did the same type thing ,
> 
> yes I think you are lucky that you found this in time,
> did she tell you why she did it , i wish you the best as your not the type to through out the baby with the water


Right now her answer is that it started slowly and she was in it before she realized how far it had gone, and she's not sure what's broken in her. That maybe there's some fears of abandonment (my weight loss played into this) and she wanted to know someone else would want her. 

But she's not sure if that's all of it or if that's even correct. That's one of the discovery questions she has for IC homework. 

But honestly I think the bigger issue is how can I ever reasonably trust her after the way she lied to my face like that. I think that's going to be the biggest hurdle in all of this and if anything is the deal-breaker it's the loss of trust.


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## TrustDestroyed (Jul 13, 2021)

Marc878 said:


> All cheaters lie a lot. Most betrayed always do the “it’s my fault so maybe I can fix it. Nope, sure isn’t.
> They also swallow the lies because the truth is to hard to take and will avoid decisions and look for excuses to not do anything.
> 
> You’re only a chump if you allow it. Sorry man but if you don’t get strong and deal with this you’ll get more. This is the second time. That you know of.


Oh this is NOT my fault, I have NO illusions on that matter and if she had tried to shift blame on me at ANY point I would have been done already.

I am not going to approach this from a place of weakness, I did that in my first marriage and NEVER AGAIN. I am going to give the last 16 years we've had a few months at least. I am going to see what, if anything she can do to restore some trust in this relationship. I would love for us to end up repairing this, but I am not banking on that being the most likely outcome. I will be preparing as if this is going to lead to divorce until such time (if it comes at all) that I change my mind.


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

This is the second time she acted inappropriately with someone from an online game. 

IMO, all online gaming should stop. Clearly she can't resist the temptation and eventually gets pulled in.
There are other activities/hobbies. If she's overweight, there are other more constructive/healthy activities that are also social.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

If she was offering herself to someone, who knows the level it could have escalated to.

The fact that this happened multiple times shows that these are conscious decisions she is making repeatedly to deceive you.

Believe her actions, you are married to someone who is not trustworthy.

I don't see a path forward that you not the relationship police. Pretty hard to come back from a second round of this. If you do, she'll know how you react when this happens, blow up for a while and then let her get away with it, so she will just do it again....

You are right... trust has been destroyed.... it won't be coming back.


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## TrustDestroyed (Jul 13, 2021)

re16 said:


> If she was offering herself to someone, who knows the level it could have escalated to.
> 
> The fact that this happened multiple times shows that these are conscious decisions she is making repeatedly to deceive you.
> 
> ...


Well the one thing to her credit is she stopped it (and it does appear like she did based off what I could find) prior to me even raising my suspicions. She saw him escalating it and she ended it. 

But as you say, the trust may never be coming back.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

TrustDestroyed said:


> Oh this is NOT my fault, I have NO illusions on that matter and if she had tried to shift blame on me at ANY point I would have been done already.
> 
> I am not going to approach this from a place of weakness, I did that in my first marriage and NEVER AGAIN. I am going to give the last 16 years we've had a few months at least. I am going to see what, if anything she can do to restore some trust in this relationship. I would love for us to end up repairing this, but I am not banking on that being the most likely outcome. I will be preparing as if this is going to lead to divorce until such time (if it comes at all) that I change my mind.


Your head is in the right place. Good for you. Actions ( long term - anyone can conform short term) count. Her words don’t.

I get where you’re at. This is the second time which suggests serial cheater. Read up so you know what you’re dealing with.

The other problem is she’s a skilled liar. If she can hold your face in her hands look you in the eye and lie like hell then you really don’t know do you?

You aren’t the only one that’s been in this boat. This happened a few years back on here. Held His face in her hands telling him he just needs to trust her and after leaving to meet up with some work friends promptly had
Sex with her affair partner. Eerily similarly to what you posted. He couldn’t stop himself from swallowing her lies.


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## TrustDestroyed (Jul 13, 2021)

Marc878 said:


> Your head is in the right place. Good for you. Actions ( long term - anyone can conform short term) count. Her words don’t.
> 
> I get where you’re at. This is the second time which suggests serial cheater. Read up so you know what you’re dealing with.
> 
> ...


Well I am glad I didn't swallow the lies and just listened to my gut. I have never regretted listening to my gut but I have regretted ignoring it before, I am glad I followed through on that promise to myself. 

God this sucks, I really wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. We will have to see how the next few weeks unfold I suppose. These next few months are going to suck.....


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

I guess you'll have to figure out if this is how you want to spend the one life you have.... Laying next to someone every-night that has no problem lying to you or choose a different path.


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## TrustDestroyed (Jul 13, 2021)

re16 said:


> I guess you'll have to figure out if this is how you want to spend the one life you have.... Laying next to someone every-night that has no problem lying to you or choose a different path.


Well I am not staying with her without a convincing path back towards trust. I am well aware that path may not exist, hell, probably doesn't exist, but I am going to look for it, I just won't stake my existence on finding it. If nothing else these next few months will be a path towards letting go. We'll see.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

TrustDestroyed said:


> Well I am glad I didn't swallow the lies and just listened to my gut. I have never regretted listening to my gut but I have regretted ignoring it before, I am glad I followed through on that promise to myself.
> 
> God this sucks, I really wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. We will have to see how the next few weeks unfold I suppose. These next few months are going to suck.....


The other thing you need think about is. If the therapist was so great how did she end up repeating?

Yes this sucks for you. But you ultimately get to decide. It’ll suck either way. It may come down to which way sucks less. You can’t fix her. Only she can do that. From what I’ve read maybe years of IC. Band aids won’t fix this.


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## TrustDestroyed (Jul 13, 2021)

Marc878 said:


> The other thing you need think about is. If the therapist was so great how did she end up repeating?
> 
> Yes this sucks for you. But you ultimately get to decide. It’ll suck either way. It may come down to which way sucks less. You can’t fix her. Only she can do that. From what I’ve read maybe years of IC.


So the therapist was great and resolved the issues we had at the time, it was years ago. I suspect she has unresolved issues or even newly developed ones that are not really in the domain of MC and, as you say, takes IC to resolve. That's why she's going to IC and finding out the answers to some questions before I step foot in MC with her. 

I am aware I cannot fix her, she's aware this is her problem and her problem alone. I do have to give her credit at least for not trying to blame shift or to deny responsibility for her actions. She was going to take that secret to her grave if she could have, try to work on herself, and not tell me, partly because she knows how bad this hurts me and she wanted to avoid that (and I honestly do believe that is part of her motivation), however the bigger part was because she was afraid of the consequences of her actions. Unfortunately and ironically if anything seals our fate it will be the lies she told more than anything else.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

TrustDestroyed said:


> Well I am glad I didn't swallow the lies and just listened to my gut. I have never regretted listening to my gut but I have regretted ignoring it before, I am glad I followed through on that promise to myself.
> 
> God this sucks, I really wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. We will have to see how the next few weeks unfold I suppose. These next few months are going to suck.....


That's another question for her IC -- not only how she allowed this to happen, but how she LIED DIRECTLY to your face so convincingly.

She, if you stay with her, should NEVER play online games that have ANY sort of "talking" or chatting with others. In fact, NO online gaming -- she' s not capable of controlling herself and guarding your marriage.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

The thing is yes she may have ended it. Yes she may know this is all her fault and that’s great but that doesn’t mean later she wont do this again. Read up on serial cheating. She will not be able to fix this herself.
I’d bet there are unrestricted issues that never got resolved from the last time.
From what I’ve read and seen These issues can be controlled but never truly fixed.

See what is versus what you want to see. Many don’t.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

A physical affair was always my number 1 deal breaker, with lying to my face a close 2nd. Trust is very important in a marriage and once lost, it never returns to what it was. It's like a glass vase. If you break it, you can attempt to glue it back together, but it will never be like it was.

My credo now is trust, but verify. And always listen to your gut.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I was married for a very long time to a serial cheater. You don’t ever trust 100% again — or you shouldn’t — not after you know they can lie comfortably to your face.


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## Asterix (May 16, 2021)

A couple of things:

1. This drive to seek validation is in her and she has done this once before. So, I would not be surprised and would anticipate that she'd do this again. I understand that she's swearing up and down that she will never do it again, but I suppose, she said something similar the last time as well. You got to realize that she has demonstrated her excellent ability to lie to your face.

2. Buy the following two books and get her to read them.
Not just friends: Shirley Glass
how to help your spouse heal from your affair: Linda J MacDonald

Observe her actions. She will promise the whole world. But words are cheap. Watch her actions. Her actions will tell you how much she is interested in reconciling.

I'm not sure how binding the post nuptial agreements are. Please talk to a lawyer to know for sure. A lot of times such agreements get thrown out in the courts. So, I don't know if you would be protecting yourself adequately with a post-nup.


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

TrustDestroyed said:


> A little more context, something like this happened a few years ago. My wife was in a depression because of more than a decade of abuse by my narcissist mother. She was in a different MMO game and my gut told me something was off, I caught the VERY beginning of inappropriate flirtatious texts in game.



Fool me twice


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

It must be boring being the police. 

You had a terrible mother, you have a terrible wife. 

Stop policing her, but if you’re not ready to leave, just emotionally divorce her. Really, meeting guys online in games? That’s juvenile. 

Go out and play with adults and leave her at home on her games. 

She absolutely thinks you’ll never leave her, it should be the other way around.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

It’s a good thing that she stopped this on her own and that she’s now take responsibility but I’m really concerned with this being her 2nd time doing this and even more with how capable she is at lying. If you had not done your homework, she would have pulled the wool over your eyes.

We’ve had threads of WWs who held firm to their lies to the point of having their BH see counselors and even be prescribed meds just so she could continue her affair. Your wife strikes me as one that could possibly be like that. She held so firm over a online gaming sexting. Imagine if she had a guy who really took ownership of her?

Speaking of ownership, don’t just blow off that part of what you discovered. There’s a thread right now of a guy who’s wife had dom/sub online affair. She even had a virtual ceremony where she became the OM’s wife. Wearing a collar on her necklace that symbolizes the OM ownership.. The BH uncovered some very disturbing communications, that showed where her allegiances lied. And I think they had 4 kids together.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Online games are full of thirsty men. Any woman who plays often gets attention in my experience whether they want it or not. Any proclivity towards attention seeking is going to get fed.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

ccpowerslave said:


> Online games are full of thirsty men. Any woman who plays often gets attention in my experience whether they want it or not. Any proclivity towards attention seeking is going to get fed.


I used to play an MMO and was part of a "clan". The open chat discussions got quite raunchy and inappropriate at times. And you are right, when there were 5 women and 25 men in the chat you could see the women eating up the attention they go and they were usually the instigator in taking the conversation into inappropriate behavior.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Since this is the second time she has done this it may be safe to assume that she might do it again. Not right away, but years from now when she gets down or bored.

There is an old saying "Sex is the price women are willing to pay for attention". This has been confirmed time and time again. Multiple wayward wives have said that the affair started out emotional with complements and lots of attention, then turned physical to keep the complements and attention going.

Your wife soaks up attention and complements. Next time it may be more than an EA if other men are local.


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## fencewalker (Apr 17, 2020)

In some cultures, shaking hands with a person of the opposite sex is considered a serious taboo. I'm sure you wouldn't agree with that. In our culture, and particularly in the talkaboutmarriage.com culture, even the most mild emotional bond with someone you are not married to is the end of the world. If you listen to most of the people on here, you will be throwing away what seems to be a loving, fulfilling, supportive relationship. My advice to you is to not go down the path of extreme jealousy and paranoia. Life's too short. Loosen up a bit. Let your wife send some flirty messages to some nerd on WOW; send some yourself. A little harmless flirting will only give you both something to laugh about and may even turn you both on in bed. Now I'm going to sit back while everyone tells me I'm wrong and continues to rile you up and convince you to terminate a wonderful, caring relationship that may not come again.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

fencewalker said:


> In some cultures, shaking hands with a person of the opposite sex is considered a serious taboo. I'm sure you wouldn't agree with that. In our culture, and particularly in the talkaboutmarriage.com culture, even the most mild emotional bond with someone you are not married to is the end of the world. If you listen to most of the people on here, you will be throwing away what seems to be a loving, fulfilling, supportive relationship. My advice to you is to not go down the path of extreme jealousy and paranoia. Life's too short. Loosen up a bit. Let your wife send some flirty messages to some nerd on WOW; send some yourself. A little harmless flirting will only give you both something to laugh about and may even turn you both on in bed. Now I'm going to sit back while everyone tells me I'm wrong and continues to rile you up and convince you to terminate a wonderful, caring relationship that may not come again.


If he’s cool with an open marriage, swinging, etc, that could work. Otherwise not so much.

Doesn’t sound like he is.


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## Goobertron (Aug 14, 2012)

To the OP. It didn't really sound like beyond some flirting online with a guy in a game there was much to it. However, I wonder if its possible to keep someone in their cage and tell them to repress their feelings. You come across as her parent/jailor/provider and it's not an emotionally intimate relationship (I've tried to be in that role before and it didn't work - it went underground). 

I'm not sure about forcing someone into a post-nuptial agreement. She may claim coercion to agree. As objectively as possible: She would be best off divorcing you and using your high income for child support and alimony, and take 50% of the assets like the PC and then she can flirt with guys all she likes. Perhaps even take it to the next level and find the next one. It sounds like she has a lot of baggage with your family and that would mean a fresh slate.

My wife cheated on me online - kicked me out of the house and brought a new guy into the country to marry him. I noticed her flirting with heaps of guys online before this. That was on World or Warcraft and we've now been divorced for over 10 years. She married the player. Our child is now grown up (all child support paid). I am so much better not having that uncertainty and deception in my life. At least you know what is going on but it will always be a thing now. I'd caught my wife doing it once years before as well (before our child was born) I wish I'd broken up with her nicely then. She was for the streets.


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## fencewalker (Apr 17, 2020)

GusPolinski said:


> If he’s cool with an open marriage, swinging, etc, that could work. Otherwise not so much.
> 
> Doesn’t sound like he is.


I get that, but there are different levels of opening up a relationship. Some flirtatious chatting on a video game to me doesn't even feel like it reaches the first rung. I'm not suggesting all-out swinging if that's not something the OP is comfortable with.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

fencewalker said:


> I get that, but there are different levels of opening up a relationship. Some flirtatious chatting on a video game to me doesn't even feel like it reaches the first rung. I'm not suggesting all-out swinging if that's not something the OP is comfortable with.


You can post on poly or open relationship forms if you want. This isn’t one of them. 

A little harmless flirting has lead to more then was bargained for. Some guys are ok with that, most guys are not into being cheated on or being cuckold. 

There is a thread where a wife was doing a little online game flirting, her husband wasn’t happy about it and asked if she would stop. Then she went on a business trip. The only problem is that it wasn’t a business trip at all. She met up with the online OM, who was over 10 years younger, for three days ****ing each other’s brains out it a hotel. Then she thought her husband should just get over it, she would never do it again. Even after he expressed concern about what he found, she went through with meeting up with the OM. 

There is no such thing as harmless flirting unless you are ok with things going to far.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

ABHale said:


> There is no such thing as harmless flirting unless you are ok with things going to far.


A good buddy of mine ended up splitting up with his long term live in girlfriend to be with his now wife whom he met while playing an online game. Bye bye long term girlfriend.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

ccpowerslave said:


> A good buddy of mine ended up splitting up with his long term live in girlfriend to be with his now wife whom he met while playing an online game. Bye bye long term girlfriend.


There was a wispy washy poster here a while back who left her husband for a guy she met on a game.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Luckylucky said:


> There was a wispy washy poster here a while back who left her husband for a guy she met on a game.


 yes i have come across this before


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## armycat26 (May 12, 2019)

ABHale said:


> You can post on poly or open relationship forms if you want. This isn’t one of them.
> 
> A little harmless flirting has lead to more then was bargained for. Some guys are ok with that, most guys are not into being cheated on or being cuckold.
> 
> ...


O hell NO,,, i get over it right out the door


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

fencewalker said:


> I get that, but there are different levels of opening up a relationship. Some flirtatious chatting on a video game to me doesn't even feel like it reaches the first rung. I'm not suggesting all-out swinging if that's not something the OP is comfortable with.


Did you not read what @Goobertron wrote? WOW turned into divorce and marrying another man. You can't take emotional affairs lightly.


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## Miss Dupree (Aug 21, 2021)

TrustDestroyed said:


> Hey all, I (mid-30’s male) just found out my wife (early 40’s female, “Rachel” not her real name), was chatting with some guy online from a stupid mobile game. Sorry for the novel below, it's long but this is my only outlet right now.
> 
> Background:
> 4 Kids three of them are at home, two are over 18, one is going to be a senior next year, and the youngest will be in 7th grade next year (12 yo).
> ...





TrustDestroyed said:


> Hey all, I (mid-30’s male) just found out my wife (early 40’s female, “Rachel” not her real name), was chatting with some guy online from a stupid mobile game. Sorry for the novel below, it's long but this is my only outlet right now.
> 
> Background:
> 4 Kids three of them are at home, two are over 18, one is going to be a senior next year, and the youngest will be in 7th grade next year (12 yo).
> ...


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## Miss Dupree (Aug 21, 2021)

*I’m sorry for what you are going through. Honestly, an emotional affair is more difficult to deal with than a physical affair. Either one stings though. I recently just divorced after a 32 year marriage and I can tell you, I went to some pretty dark places. I hope you find peace in your heart and soul, which ever decision you both make. Good luck*.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@TrustDestroyed how are things going?


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## NTA (Mar 28, 2021)

ccpowerslave said:


> Online games are full of thirsty men. Any woman who plays often gets attention in my experience whether they want it or not. Any proclivity towards attention seeking is going to get fed.


Just like a heavy metal concert.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

NTA said:


> Just like a heavy metal concert.


Also true. If my wife goes to the bathroom I stand at the entry to make sure no guys go in.


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## Goobertron (Aug 14, 2012)

BigDaddyNY said:


> I used to play an MMO and was part of a "clan". The open chat discussions got quite raunchy and inappropriate at times. And you are right, when there were 5 women and 25 men in the chat you could see the women eating up the attention they go and they were usually the instigator in taking the conversation into inappropriate behavior.


I actually thought I was happily married. My wife got into World of Warcraft and would stay up until the early hours chatting with the many guys on there, sometimes she'd then come to bed and initiate sex. I noticed in the chats with the guys they'd be complimentary, it would get lightly flirty pretty quick and they'd "help" her all the time do things. Female characters in that game wear very revealing armor and it's mostly guys playing, many of them single.

To my surprise one day she says "I need to speak to you" and then the dreaded words "I love you but I'm not in love with you." She then cold shouldered me for two weeks until I moved out. I showed her on the World of Warcraft playing statistics at one time she was averaging 18 hours a day logged into the game.

On the last night I was in the house she initiated sex with me. She always had an O and would tell me how much she enjoyed our sex life. She told me I would make some lucky woman very happy. Looking back I wonder about the nature of happiness. I worked full time and she stayed home and could do whatever she wanted.

We had a 6 year old son together, who is now over 18. I think she just got "the 7 year itch". After I moved out when I picked up my son for the first custody she said, "I never really loved you but if you tell anyone I'll just deny it." I logged onto her email and saw she'd emailed her next guy asking what he was doing and sending her love but not saying I love you specifically.

I feel she just gradually changed her whole focus to the game - quit her job, stayed at home and I paid and cooked and cleaned. Then when I asked her to stop she just monkey branched to some guy in another country who fed the online gaming addiction.

The day after I moved out she had the new guy Skype call my son. He told him he'd be his new step-dad. He migrated to our country and she married him immediately after our divorce went through. She has since has two more kids by the guy and they've now been married over 10 years.

She has no time to play games anymore and has to work part time and look after two quite demanding children. My son lives with me full-time now seeing as I no longer pay child support as he's over 18, and its great to have him live with me. It was only after the child support ran out that she decided to go find a part-time job and also after his child support ran out they took his bedroom away and gave it to one of her other kids yeah and told him to move in with me.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Goobertron said:


> I actually thought I was happily married. My wife got into World of Warcraft and would stay up until the early hours chatting with the many guys on there, sometimes she'd then come to bed and initiate sex. I noticed in the chats with the guys they'd be complimentary, it would get lightly flirty pretty quick and they'd "help" her all the time do things. Female characters in that game wear very revealing armor and it's mostly guys playing, many of them single.
> 
> To my surprise one day she says "I need to speak to you" and then the dreaded words "I love you but I'm not in love with you." She then cold shouldered me for two weeks until I moved out. I showed her on the World of Warcraft playing statistics at one time she was averaging 18 hours a day logged into the game.
> 
> ...


Damn, that hurts me just to read it. I’ll bet your son respects and loves you.


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## Goobertron (Aug 14, 2012)

Evinrude58 said:


> Damn, that hurts me just to read it. I’ll bet your son respects and loves you.


Thank you Evinrude58. That means a lot to me. I really appreciate that. Looking after my son became my purpose.

Very few people have acknowledged me, as an ex-husband and dad, that stuck around and provided an alternative home and safe bedroom for my one child of the marriage that was ended all of a sudden. I kept it together (barely at first), grew as a person and focused on my career and little projects to make life better. I was lucky to buy a house within a short walk of his high-school. I lost most of our mutual friends. I am stronger now and divorce can make someone better.

I've not had a real relationship since my divorce over 10 years ago. I've had two girlfriends from Facebook. Both I had crushes on in high-school. But those relationships didn't last for different reasons. I considered asking both to marry me but was shocked both times when they broke up with me via text. Since then I've acknowledged I need to focus on myself more and looking for someone to be aligned with as I go through life is a fantasy to escape the self and makes me feel bad about my life which I otherwise love. I am happy and financially secure now, I didn't have that when I was married.

Investing in my own life will bring a return on investment but searching for love is a risky gamble with endless pitfalls. It's like expecting a horse that's raced last every time to finally punch through the pack and win and then keep on winning until the end. These days I believe a relationship has a beginning, a middle, and an end. It's most important to end well.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Goobertron said:


> I actually thought I was happily married. My wife got into World of Warcraft and would stay up until the early hours chatting with the many guys on there, sometimes she'd then come to bed and initiate sex. I noticed in the chats with the guys they'd be complimentary, it would get lightly flirty pretty quick and they'd "help" her all the time do things. Female characters in that game wear very revealing armor and it's mostly guys playing, many of them single.
> 
> To my surprise one day she says "I need to speak to you" and then the dreaded words "I love you but I'm not in love with you." She then cold shouldered me for two weeks until I moved out. I showed her on the World of Warcraft playing statistics at one time she was averaging 18 hours a day logged into the game.
> 
> ...


I hope you’ve cut her out of your life completely. If not you damn sure should.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Doing the pick me dance or trying to nice her back is the worst thing you can do. Let her go. 
If that’s what she wants help pack her bags.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Goobertron said:


> I actually thought I was happily married. My wife got into World of Warcraft and would stay up until the early hours chatting with the many guys on there, sometimes she'd then come to bed and initiate sex. I noticed in the chats with the guys they'd be complimentary, it would get lightly flirty pretty quick and they'd "help" her all the time do things. Female characters in that game wear very revealing armor and it's mostly guys playing, many of them single.
> 
> To my surprise one day she says "I need to speak to you" and then the dreaded words "I love you but I'm not in love with you." She then cold shouldered me for two weeks until I moved out. I showed her on the World of Warcraft playing statistics at one time she was averaging 18 hours a day logged into the game.
> 
> ...


Stories like that give me a mixed feeling of extreme anger and sadness all at the same time. I hope in the long run you are better off. 

This just reinforces my take on boundaries regarding these kind of things. When you spend more time with someone other than your spouse, even virtually, the marriage is well on its way to crashing and burning.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

Goobertron said:


> To my surprise one day she says "I need to speak to you" and then the dreaded words "I love you but I'm not in love with you." She then cold shouldered me for two weeks until I moved out.


She cheats, she tells you she doesn't love you anymore, she cold shoulder's you- and YOU moved out?

Big mistake in fact it's the biggest single mistake a person can do when divorce is pending. It probably cost you a lot, maybe more than you realize. You could have capitalized on her "affair fog" and negotiated a better deal but by conveniently exiting stage left you got out of her way and weakened your position considerably.


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## Goobertron (Aug 14, 2012)

Marc878 said:


> I hope you’ve cut her out of your life completely. If not you damn sure should.


Thanks Marc878. I thought about your comment a lot after reading it. It occurred to me that it would be a great relief to not have to see her again. I've had to pick up and drop off my son from her house a couple of times a week for the last 12 years seeing her and them together constantly. Even just keeping it totally business like for the purpose of pick-up and drop off of child it has been emotionally draining. 

So I've decided to strongly encourage my son to get his driver's licence finally (he's 19) so he can do it himself. I had a chat to him about it this morning. Then I'd never have to see her again. It'd be nice to finally be able to just stop.


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## Goobertron (Aug 14, 2012)

Trident said:


> She cheats, she tells you she doesn't love you anymore, she cold shoulder's you- and YOU moved out?
> 
> Big mistake in fact it's the biggest single mistake a person can do when divorce is pending. It probably cost you a lot, maybe more than you realize. You could have capitalized on her "affair fog" and negotiated a better deal but by conveniently exiting stage left you got out of her way and weakened your position considerably.


By the way, I live in Australia. It's all a no fault divorce. In that case there's a property settlement drawn up and it wouldn't matter if I was in the house or not. Divorces cause a lot of house sales.

In my case I was lucky to not have much: we were tennants in a rental house together (owned by her mother - who subsidised her rent). We never owned property together. I tried to save for a deposit but she didn't think it was realistic and she ran the finances. I had already sold my car because she'd almost made us bankrupt by getting into my bank account and asking me to get a credit card and then maxxing it out and spending all the money on herself.

When I asked her how she'd actually spent the money she told me she used to order pickled baby octopus from a local Greek restaurant for lunch, and also go to Wendy's in the mall when she was depressed. Then she'd have a melt down and I'd feel responsible. One time she threw plates at me and then grabbed a jagged edge of a broken plate and cut her arms repeatedly. I called her sister to talk to her and she took her away while I looked after our baby.

I'd been lucky to pay off the debt right before she initiated separation and divorce really. It sounds weird saying a lot of this now but I just accepted it all at the time. She even kept her own bank account and we shared mine.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Goobertron said:


> Thanks Marc878. I thought about your comment a lot after reading it. It occurred to me that it would be a great relief to not have to see her again. I've had to pick up and drop off my son from her house a couple of times a week for the last 12 years seeing her and them together constantly. Even just keeping it totally business like for the purpose of pick-up and drop off of child it has been emotionally draining.
> 
> So I've decided to strongly encourage my son to get his driver's licence finally (he's 19) so he can do it himself. I had a chat to him about it this morning. Then I'd never have to see her again. It'd be nice to finally be able to just stop.


He’s an adult. Block her on everything.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

TrustDetroyed....any updates?


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

Goobertron said:


> By the way, I live in Australia. It's all a no fault divorce. In that case there's a property settlement drawn up and it wouldn't matter if I was in the house or not.


Ok, thanks for the clarification. In your case moving out didn't make any difference because there wasn't anything to negotiate. Not sure about the divorce laws in Australia but here in the US, the fact that there is "No Fault" divorce almost everywhere doesn't change the fact that when there are assets, custody and support to be dealt with, and when you consider that most divorces settle rather than going to trial, there's a benefit to staying put and making life miserable for the soon to be ex-spouse so they'll be more willing to come to the table and stay there until you get out of each other's way once and for all.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

TrustDestroyed said:


> Yes, that's correct.


No possible way she could have met him?


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

What she may not realize to is that other guy she is trying to blow up her marriage for online may be a pimply faced 16-17 yr old boy.


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## ElwoodPDowd (Aug 25, 2021)

TrustDestroyed said:


> I do think that she's telling the truth about having stopped it on her own, I honestly do. I suppose this is all still just too fresh and early for me to have any idea of what's what yet.


I don't think her chatting/sexting is something for you to worry about.
Just a bit of fun that makes her feel she's still attractive to other men.
She feels fat, and you're not, that's threatening to a woman.
I'd forget about it and get on with my life.


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

Every spouse has a right to feel safe from infidelity. Your wife failed big time.

It's 100% up to your wife to prepare a plan to rebuild your trust. And because of her lies, her plan should not rely on the words: "trust me". 

She needs to prove to you that she can be a safe life partner. Trust is a wonderful thing - but when it's gone it's very difficult to restore. It's a tough uphill battle.

And it may be that there's nothing she can do to make you feel safe. There's no right or wrong decision on your part - only what makes you comfortable.

If you do R, consider a post nup to protect yourself.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

ElwoodPDowd said:


> I don't think her chatting/sexting is something for you to worry about.
> Just a bit of fun that makes her feel she's still attractive to other men.
> She feels fat, and you're not, that's threatening to a woman.
> I'd forget about it and get on with my life.


Why don’t you allow your wife to go out at night? You’re OK with her sleeping with other dudes but that’s where you draw the line, right?

Why?


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

ElwoodPDowd said:


> I don't think her chatting/sexting is something for you to worry about.
> Just a bit of fun that makes her feel she's still attractive to other men.
> She feels fat, and you're not, that's threatening to a woman.
> I'd forget about it and get on with my life.


Naw...it is just disrespectful as hell. I would not tolerate an SO that does that to me. They can carry their azz on down the road.


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

TrustDestroyed said:


> Hey all, I (mid-30’s male) just found out my wife (early 40’s female, “Rachel” not her real name), was chatting with some guy online from a stupid mobile game. Sorry for the novel below, it's long but this is my only outlet right now.
> 
> Background:
> 4 Kids three of them are at home, two are over 18, one is going to be a senior next year, and the youngest will be in 7th grade next year (12 yo).
> ...


I’m sort of in the same boat of distrust over my husband being on social media liking And trying to DM people online 
I also have distrust . Being lied to is not fun , and certainly starts a huge feeling we always will carry . I think in time distrust can be helped , but it will take a lot of fixing the relationship to get through it . And both parties MUST try .
It’s not going to be easy , I’m trying to fix mine , but triggers will come and go because it is what it is , it’s gonna be a long road but you can fix it if both are willing to


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## Meela (Sep 20, 2021)

Sfort said:


> So there is no physical affair, just emotional?


We are all jacked the tech age allows you to be next to your spouse and cheat. Tell her to meet you on a site and see if it spices up your relationship to make things adventurous. Sometimes we need that in our life. Not a joke, excuse etc but between sugar and coffee for those who consume them have very little heart racing.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Elvis has left the building...


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Mr.Married said:


> Elvis has left the building...


No. Elvis has not left the building.


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

Divinely Favored said:


> What she may not realize to is that other guy she is trying to blow up her marriage for online may be a pimply faced 16-17 yr old boy.


Or worse, the Nigerian scammer who starts asking for money, to which she obliges.


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