# A trust problem



## luispro (Dec 1, 2012)

I am married since two years now. I am 36 and my wife is 33.
Since the beginning of our relation that some trust related issues came up.
Since the very first moment i was forced to abandon all contacts with other woman. I was forced to forget all my contacts with any other female person.
Those contacts were merely friendship contacts, i was never involved with any other woman. Anyway i could never convince my wife of that fact.
So, little by little, i lost friends. This is painfull.
Even after i lost contact with them, it wasnt enough to satisfy my wife's wish. She still keeps invading my email accounts searching for ghosts. She stil keeps checking my phone for any suspicious contacts.
It is very frustrating to me. Her actions made almost made me go crazy and loose control of my actions.
I simply cant make her understand that a true relation must be based on trust.
From my side, she has no restrictions, she can meet and contact with who ever she wants, i never put any obstacles to it. I havent any possessive or jealous feelings in my self.
Lately she invaded my email accounts again, and despite i have nothing to hide, i was furious and cant make her understand that this actions show a huge lack of respect to my person.
It seems to be impossible to bring her to a more wise and reasonable position of sobriety.
Any help will be welcome.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

She's insecure, paranoid, and outright possessive. Had an ex like that once, dumped her. My STBX and I had an alternate system however; a joint social circle. Any female friends that she had a problem with -> I ditch, any male friends that I had a problem with -> she ditched.

But this system may not work for you guys, considering she's already got you to ditch all your female mates. Why is she so insecure? Have you discussed this with her?


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## luispro (Dec 1, 2012)

Thanks for your answer.
We had and have constant discussions about this subject. Unfortunately for both, she never admits her possessiveness and paranoia. She considers such behaviour as perfectly normal for any woman.
I guess my next step will be professional therapy. I have tried by all means to call her to reason, but always without success. 
Thanks, again.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

> She considers such behaviour as perfectly normal for any woman.


Destroying a spouse's entire female social circle? :rofl:
Think not

Anyways, I hope she agrees to therapy, I know it was tough enough trying to get my STBX to even admit that she has a problem.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

Personally, I think a lot of projection takes place when it comes to jealousy.

I trust my partner implicitly. I know this comment will get me chastised around here but I do. I wouldn't be with her if I didn't trust her. I think that comes from me projecting my own attitudes onto her. Even if I had the opportunity I wouldn't cheat because even if she never found out I would know and would be reminded of that every time I looked into her eyes. I have no desire to do that to myself.

My concern with somebody who is overly jealous is they're projecting their attitudes onto you. That given the opportunity they would cheat...so they assume you would too. Extreme jealousy would make me very nervous.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

luispro said:


> I am married since two years now. I am 36 and my wife is 33.
> Since the beginning of our relation that some trust related issues came up.
> Since the very first moment i was forced to abandon all contacts with other woman. I was forced to forget all my contacts with any other female person.
> Those contacts were merely friendship contacts, i was never involved with any other woman. Anyway i could never convince my wife of that fact.
> ...


Was she cheated on before you? 

Have you ever given her a reason not to trust you?

Did her father/mother cheat?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

First of all, yes, that is extreme on her part to be that jealous if you have never given her any reason to be. Have you?? What exactly was your relationship with these women?

Assuming you're innocent of any wrongdoing, then, I ask, why NOT let her have full access to whatever you're doing? If you have nothing to hide, then don't hide it from her. Give her full and total access to everything so that she can check up whenever she wants. After a while she'll figure out there's nothing going on and stop being so obsessed.

It's the same psychology that works on kids. Forbid them something, guaranteed they're going to want it. Let them have it, and they soon lose interest.


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## luispro (Dec 1, 2012)

First let me thank you all for your useful contributions.

I have never cheated on my wife. The fact is that she considers any woman as a threat, except for my female relatives. I have resisted to this obsessive behaviour of her, but little by little she was able of reducing my contact with female friends to ZERO.
I had no special relation with these friends that mostly were old school colleagues or neighbours. When it all started, I, in my innocent an naive perspective, never thought that this level of jealous and possessiveness could exist. Always thought that it was something temporary or fruit of any misunderstandings, and that with time it would disappear. But it didnt. The situation repeats and repeats. My reaction in the beginning was calm and quiet, but in the last year or so, i cant control myself any more. My level of tolerance was exceeded. I trust her completely concerning relations, it is for me an absurd just to think about asking her not to meet the A person or the B person. Its simply stupid. 

I review myself completely in the words of MaritimeGuy. Except the last paragraph. I am sure that this attitude from my wife born from the feeling of insecurity and fear of losing me. 



> Assuming you're innocent of any wrongdoing, then, I ask, why NOT let her have full access to whatever you're doing?


 I have tried this, she had all my passwords, access to my phone, etc. But it wasnt enough, her brain doesnt stop thinking that i hide something, that i have a hidden mail account or phone... its paranoia or some kind of mental disease.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Tell her she either gets help or you are ending the marriage. That's no way to live.


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## charmbee (Dec 3, 2012)

luispro said:


> I am married since two years now. I am 36 and my wife is 33.
> Since the beginning of our relation that some trust related issues came up.
> Since the very first moment i was forced to abandon all contacts with other woman. I was forced to forget all my contacts with any other female person.
> Those contacts were merely friendship contacts, i was never involved with any other woman. Anyway i could never convince my wife of that fact.
> ...


what triggered your trust related issues to begin with?


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## luispro (Dec 1, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> Tell her she either gets help or you are ending the marriage. That's no way to live.


I did it not so long ago, told her that couldnt live like this anymore, that it was killing me inside. I even slept in the attic of our home for two weeks in a time when was really determined to put an end to all. It didnt helped. After long and painful discussions we back together but shortly after the all came back, the jealous, the paranoia, the distrust, etc...


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

luispro said:


> I did it not so long ago, told her that couldnt live like this anymore, that it was killing me inside. I even slept in the attic of our home for two weeks in a time when was really determined to put an end to all. It didnt helped. After long and painful discussions we back together but shortly after the all came back, the jealous, the paranoia, the distrust, etc...


It didn't help because you didn't follow through. You have to tell her that she either makes that appt, goes, and continues going, or you will immediately start divorce proceedings. and then DO it. Talk is cheap, and she has nothing but talk from you. You have to DO it - follow through on the consequences.

You will not accept her promises. she must go see a professional. NO ifs ands or buts.


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## luispro (Dec 1, 2012)

charmbee said:


> what triggered your trust related issues to begin with?


First time i remember, we were at her flat, (weren't married yet), and i was showing her some funny mails i had received. Mails with a funny video or pics or jokes, ordinary mails that everybody sends and receives. When she realized that some of those mails were from other woman, she didnt hesitated, and told me that she wanted to stop any contact with those women.
I was a bit surprised because i was sharing it with her, really i had nothing to hide, my mail account was there, open in front of her eyes. Anyway she insisted. I was upset and came outside to the street for a smoke trying to understand and calm down.
I never thought that three years after we would still be facing the same ridiculous problem.


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## luispro (Dec 1, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> It didn't help because you didn't follow through. You have to tell her that she either makes that appt, goes, and continues going, or you will immediately start divorce proceedings. and then DO it. Talk is cheap, and she has nothing but talk from you. You have to DO it - follow through on the consequences.
> 
> You will not accept her promises. she must go see a professional. NO ifs ands or buts.



I have threaten her with divorce few times, and there were moments when i was determined to do it. If by one side it could help her to loose some of the jealous and possessiveness, on the other side we would have a relation based on fear. This is equally terrible. The ideal and only solution is (my opinion) to make her understand and believe that she can and must trust me, just as i trust her. Such relations can only last if based on trust and love. Love we have, trust not yet unfortunately.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

So you're willing to remain in this relationship with things the way they are? That is really what you want?

No one is saying she should be afraid of you. What we're saying is that you can't let her just keep on this way with no consequences. If you aren't willing to start divorce (which btw can be stopped at any time) then what ARE you willing to do if she won't get professional help???

You don't THREATEN. That's just words. They mean NOTHING. You have to actually DO something. What are you willing to DO here?

She isn't going to trust someone that just talks and doesn't DO anything. She wants you to stand up and be a man here, whether you think she does or not. Quit putting up with the way she is acting.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Honest question - what if you just tell her no. Tell her that these friendships are appropriate and that you will continue to have them. That you have consdiered her request and even abided by it, but sicne it is not reasonable, you have decided that you will no longer do it.

What will she say or do?


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## luispro (Dec 1, 2012)

Tall Average Guy said:


> Honest question - what if you just tell her no. Tell her that these friendships are appropriate and that you will continue to have them. That you have consdiered her request and even abided by it, but sicne it is not reasonable, you have decided that you will no longer do it.
> 
> What will she say or do?


That is something that i have tried as well. She will immediately react hysterically and wouldn't accept any of my words.

We are talking of a person with a completely distorted vision of what is reasonable or not.


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## 45188 (Sep 13, 2012)

im kinda like your wife, but I just dont want him to have any CLOSE female friends


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## luispro (Dec 1, 2012)

kipani said:


> im kinda like your wife, but I just dont want him to have any CLOSE female friends


I never had CLOSE female friends. Maybe in her vision of things, they were all close friends. I simply cant to get near any female, except my mother or my sisters.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

Maybe you'd be doing her a favour by leaving her. Maybe losing you to unfounded mistrust will force her to get the help she needs to be successful in her next relationship.


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## luispro (Dec 1, 2012)

MaritimeGuy said:


> Maybe you'd be doing her a favour by leaving her. Maybe losing you to unfounded mistrust will force her to get the help she needs to be successful in her next relationship.


There must be another solution. Separation would destroy both of us. Need convince her to go to some therapy. And must do it soon, as soon as possible. We dont deserve to live in such hell.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

luispro said:


> That is something that i have tried as well. She will immediately react hysterically and wouldn't accept any of my words.
> 
> We are talking of a person with a completely distorted vision of what is reasonable or not.


So? Not to be dense, but what does that mean? Does she collapse in a heap in the room wailing and crying? Does she throw things?

Could this be like a tantrum, where ignoring it is the best option.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

luispro said:


> There must be another solution. Separation would destroy both of us. Need convince her to go to some therapy. And must do it soon, as soon as possible. We dont deserve to live in such hell.


Why would separation destroy you? Why would it destroy her?

You will continue to live in your hell until you are willing to change it. Unfortunately, that may have to be leaving her. Until you get to that point, you are in danger of nothing changing.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

luispro said:


> There must be another solution. Separation would destroy both of us. Need convince her to go to some therapy. And must do it soon, as soon as possible. We dont deserve to live in such hell.


First off let me start by saying separation will not destroy you. It will hurt like a mother you know what but you will recover. Sometimes people don't know what they have until it's gone. Your wife may be one of these people. 

The bottom line is you can either accept her behaviour or not accept it. If you are not prepared to leave then you are effectively agreeing to accept it. You can hope she changes but under this premise she will have you whether she does or doesn't.


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## luispro (Dec 1, 2012)

I am sure that you guys agree that divorce should be considered as a last resort solution, that should only be used when there's no more hope and when all attempts of solving the problems fail.

I love my wife, my wife loves me. This we both know. It would be a huge waste of love (rare these days) to put an end to our marriage because of a psychological or personality disturbance, that can (and i will try by all means) be repaired. 

What i have seen so far tells me that it will not be easy. By my means i know that it is impossible. The last hope is serious professional therapy.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

I agree with you that divorce is the last resort. My point is your wife has to "know" that if she continues as she is it will cause your marriage to fail. Maybe on paper you'll still be married but your resentment is going to continue to build. 

I think you have to approach it with what behaviour can you accept living with and what behaviour you can't accept living with and prepare yourself to follow through.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

So how are you going to get her into therapy? What consequences are you willing to hand down? Because until you draw your line in the sand - YOUR line - NOTHING will change. She has no reason to change - she knows that you will plead and beg and if she ignores you, you'll just recede into the background again every time.

Is that really how you want to spend the rest of your life??


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Hope1964 said:


> Tell her she either gets help or you are ending the marriage. That's no way to live.


Yep.


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