# Wondering if anyone can relate



## longtime (Nov 6, 2012)

Long story, so here is condensed version. Married 18 years ago, quick romance, me 25, him 30. Two people drawn together and both carrying more baggage than the Titanic. 
During early days, loads of red flags: extreme angry outbursts/rage, emotional abuse, borderline physical abuse (grabbing, shoving) which I ignored because I was in love, lying (porn, and strip clubs), different views on spending, division of labor - you name it, it was there. But being young and in love, I thought we could work at it (or i could change him - haha) 
On the outside everything was pretty good, good jobs, bought a house, some good times and did lots together. and two years into it had a beautiful baby. The first time he shoved me and grabbed me by the throat I was pregnant and should have left (arguing about house chores). the second time, my baby was 8 months old he shoved me into wall and still I didn't leave. 
Started on the treadmill of marriage counselling where "abuse" was always minimized and instead it became about how I provoked him (I used to be quite the yeller - was on a mission to change him). Years pass, my son witnesses angry/violent outbursts (dad breaking things, slamming doors, yelling at me, calling me names) I yell right back, I never shut up.. Absolute chaos and huge regrets now that I have "grown up" - the very abuse my son was seeing is the same abuse I lived through as a child. 
More counselling, and learning how to be responsible for my own actions (no more yelling - learning to walk away). Fast forward to about 3 years ago, finally got counselling for myself. Physical abuse had significantly stopped about 3-4 years ago must point out that physical was rare, maybe once/twice a year). This came at a cost though, emotional abuse became more prevalent, and I basically have had to stop loving him, about 3 years ago. Came to the understanding that what he needed was to control me in every way possible, and when I stopped caring, he had little left. So then he separated our finances, although on the outside we have kept it together (great house, no debts, etc). 
My son is the reason I stay, and before you judge me too harshly, please know that I realize I should have left a long time ago. It has actually become more difficult to make the decision to leave now that my son is 15 because my husband (who is very over powering and over bearing) tells my son he dosen;t have to go with me if I chose to move out. 
I believe my husband has narcissistic personality disorder and that if I leave, he will find a way to turn my son against me. My son and I have a very close relationship, but I know that deep in his psyche he must know that dad gets easily angered and due to his adolescence, may not have the toughness yet to stand up to his Dad. I do not want to put my son in this position. despite the ups and downs and family chaos, he has grown into a well adjusted, smart, athletic and loving young man (because we both love him very much and he has security form that). My husband and I are both good parents, it's just that together we are no good. We haven't openly fought in two years, but we also have separate bedrooms and do very little together outside of eating dinner as a family and planning things on the domestic front. 
My husband appears to have softened some these past couple of years, yet seems to be in denial that our marriage, as it were, is truly over. I plan to stay until my son goes to college/university as I want to be a daily presence in his life and do not want to risk him being turned against me. Has anyone been through anything like this? Thanks for your time.


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## longtime (Nov 6, 2012)

lol good point, I have added some breaks in the text. I kind of have my answers but am wondering if anyone has been through anything like this, and perhaps they can share some advice.


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## longtime (Nov 6, 2012)

thanks for your words. sleep well also and talk to you some other time


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