# Wife says she loves me but has feelings for another man



## David19

I'm a young man and i just got married in June 2012. My wife and me did good for the first month or so then things started to go down hill. I've felt like she was putting distance between us. We fought multiple times and have not been having conversations like we use to. I've done my best to try and close the distance I've felt and tried to do more activities with her like going on walks but the distance still feels the same. I have adhd and I know that that can cause problems with relationships and all but i do my best to give her all my attention but on new years eve she told me that her love for me isn't what it use to be and that she has developed feelings for another man and this hurt me really badly. She says that she wants to be with me but she wants to still be friends with the man she has feelings for. Would it be wrong of me to have her chose? Can someone please help me make the best decision for my marriage.


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## Caribbean Man

She is your wife David.
Why should you accept that she has feelings for another man?
You need to put a stop to this foolishness.
The problems between both of you are being exacerbated by this other man's influence over her..
Tell her she must break all contact with him or she has to leave.
This is not a good sign so soon in your marriage.
You need to act fast and decisive.


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## tom67

She drops the om or you get an annulment. you shouldn't be putting up with this so early in the honeymoon period.


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## the guy

Do not let her remain "friend" with this guy..either completely going dark and no contact with this guy or she leaves the marriage.

She most ly will go underground so keep an eye out.

Is this a coworker, who is this guy?


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## thatbpguy

Nothing says "I love you" more than wanting to be with another person.

It is not right and you should not tolerate it.


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## the guy

And no it is not wrong of you to make her choose, enless you want to share your wife, but it sound like you do not want that.

A couple of things I've learned, never beg for your marriage or your wife, and if the wife can't choose between two men then make the choice for her and get out.

The last thing any women wants is a man that will not have the self respect enough to bail, I bet if the shoe was on the other foot your wife bail and let you have some other women.

Having been here a while I can tell you how it will all go down. 1) you will tell her you won't tolorate this crap 2) she will give you the lip service and tell you she will stop 3) she will go under ground and continue 4) you will find some text after she spends a ton of time going out with the "girls" 5) she will bail on for the new guy 6) a few months will go by and she will come crawling back and you will take her 7) years will go by and you will catcher cheating again and then you will bail...fighting over your future kids and property.


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## naga75

The "best decision for your marriage" would be exactly what caribbean man says to do. 
Be decisive. 
Unless of course you are okay with being married to a woman who is in love with someone else. 
She doesnt want to "be his friend", she wants to be his GIRLFRIEND, and apparently keep you around for anything he cant provide for her. 
You okay with that?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## David19

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy

I do suggest you smile and wish her the best...having the confidence in letting her go might get her to think twice in what she is about to lose.

Did I already mention "do not let her remain friends with her new boyfriend"

You don't know how many guys start a thread here about their wife cheating, with the words " I let her remain friend with this guy friend of hers" and bythe end of the thread they regret ever letting it happen when way back when that could have taken action.


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## tom67

the guy said:


> I do suggest you smile and wish her the best...having the confidence in letting her go might get her to think twice in what she is about to lose.
> 
> Did I already mention "do not let her remain friends with her new boyfriend"
> 
> You don't know how many guys start a thread here about their wife cheating, with the words " I let her remain friend with this guy friend of hers" and bythe end of the thread they regret ever letting it happen when way back when that could have taken action.


:iagree: You have to take action now and end this "friendship"


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## downfall69

run fast and dont look back you'll find someone else who loves you for you


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## David19

I did act decisively and made her chose me or him. She chose me but she was mad about it but I'm going to keep my eye on her also to make sure they don't keep in contact with each other.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy

Taking action also mean doing the colvert work in confirming the friendship is over...if this is a co worker sitch then your screwed if she doesn't quit her job.

Besides finding out who this guy is... expose her feeling to friends and family.

If you lucky the new guy already has a girl frien or wife then you can expose these feeling to her and ask her for her support in fight this kind of thing. Often the OM (other man) will throw your wife under the bus to save his current relationship.


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## the guy

David19 said:


> I did act decisively and made her chose me or him. She chose me but she was mad about it but I'm going to keep my eye on her also to make sure they don't keep in contact with each other.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Of course she was mad...and thats a good thing, you are protecting your marriage and won't let her walk all over you.

Its funny how pissed they get when you take there new boytoy away.


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## tom67

Did she tell you who he is, if it is a coworker she has to quit.


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## the guy

I suggest you get a keylogger and GPS and even a VAR (voice activated recorder) to confirm her commitment in the marriage and protect you from any deciet if this goes underground.

Planting the VAR under her care seat with some velcrow tape will give you the intel you will need.

So who is this guy....a coworker?


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## the guy

Co workers are the worst..it impossible to keep an eye on her if she works with this POS.

Have you confronted this guy?


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## anchorwatch

Who is he? 

How does she have contact with him and how long? 

Who else knows she is having an EA?

Did you confront him?


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## the guy

What will happen when she has a GNO (girls night out)?

I mean what is your wife doing to affar proof her marriage and puge this influence out of her marriage......This ain't over!


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## VFW

This does not look good to me and her reaction is very disturbing. Unless I miss my mark and she will sneaking to see this fellow behind your back. If she really was concerned with losing you she would have pleading with you, not being upset with you. You need to monitor phone records, get a VAR to put in her car, as she is likely to feel safe to talk to him from there. Be vigilant that she is where she says that she is for awhile.

The real disturbing part is she only made it 6 months before she started to wander. If you can't make it 6 months a lifetime seems like an impossibility. Best of luck.


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## east2west

Does anyone else think that it is a waste of effort to do all this surveillance on a spouse who has started straying so early in the marriage? Someone who starts an affair less than a month after marriage should not have gotten married. Period. I think if you don't leave her now you will find yourself back here again and again.


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## The Middleman

David19 said:


> I did act decisively and made her chose me or him. She chose me but she was mad about it but I'm going to keep my eye on her also to make sure they don't keep in contact with each other.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is not over. She is going to go after him. Mark my words.


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## Toffer

Married only 6 months and she's already looking for some strange?

She obviously wasn't ready to be married yet. I'd proceed and get the anullment because she will always harbor resentment towards you for ruining her fanatasy life (having one guy always there paying the bills and another one for fun)

Your young still. You should find a woman who will want to love you and ONLY you!


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## F-102

Please, do NOT have kids with her!!!!!


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## Plan 9 from OS

David19 said:


> I did act decisively and made her chose me or him. She chose me but she was mad about it but I'm going to keep my eye on her also to make sure they don't keep in contact with each other.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm sorry, but it sounds like you will be better off pursuing an annulment and putting this woman behind you. Married in June, wife starts distancing herself from you in July. Sounds like she entered into an emotional affair at a minimum, and who knows at this point if she was ever physical with this man or not. You two should still be feeling lust for each other and screwing like bunnies. This happening now is pretty bad.

How long did you date her before you were engaged and how long until you got married? Did you get married due to pregnancy or out of duty? It just seems odd that 1 month of marriage can go downhill so fast.


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## TRy

David19 said:


> on new years eve she told me that her love for me isn't what it use to be and that she has developed feelings for another man and this hurt me really badly. She says that she wants to be with me but she wants to still be friends with the man she has feelings for.


 Look up the term "Emotional Affair" (EA) because she just admitted to being in one. When you are married this is cheating even if it did not go physical. When a person is in a EA, part of the deal is that it hurts their relationship with their spouse as they are now having some or all of their emotional needs met by someone other than their spouse. Another thing is that they start to find fault with their spouse where they did not find it before. This is called blame shifting, and is a normal part of cheating. She will hold you to a standard of perfection that she does not hold to herself, and since you are human, you will fail this false standard. Do not let her find fault in you. Do not accept responsibility for her cheating. Just because you are not perfect, does not give her the right to have and EA with another man.

Not only should demand that she end all contact with the other man (OM), but you should demand full transparency which includes her telling you who he is, her giving you all his contact information, and free access to all her accounts (including passwords) and her phone. You must demand that she email him a full no future contact letter that you help write and that she email it in your presence. When she gets mad at you for demanding this, tell her that she is the one stepping outside the marriage and that not only does she not have the right to be mad at you, but you have the right to be mad at her and that she needs to be the one that needs to be seeking your forgiveness for having an EA with another man. If she does not agree to this then end your marriage as it will end anyways just with more pain.

Do not bring children into this marraige until she commits fully to you and only you and proves her faithfulness over a number of years.


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## Toffer

I would completely skip the investigating phase on this one. Having these type of feelings after only six months is not promising for a long term marriage


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## Patrick1959

David19 said:


> I have adhd and I know that that can cause problems with relationships
> 
> David
> 
> Here is a good book about coping with ADD by a pair of psychiatrists with ADD. A point they make in the book is that having a coach to help keep organized and focused is important for those with ADD. Your wife should take an active role in balancing the needs of her husband, perhaps she needs to read this book as well. Indroducing stress and anxiety in the marriage by becoming involved with another man will only make your marriage situation worse.
> 
> DRIVEN TO DISTRACTION: Recognizing and Coping with Attention Deficit Disorder from
> 
> Amazon.com: DRIVEN TO DISTRACTION: Recognizing and Coping with Attention Deficit Disorder from (9780679421771): Edward M. Hallowell, John J. Ratey: Books


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## sapientia

David19 said:


> On new years eve she told me that her love for me isn't what it use to be and that she has developed feelings for another man and this hurt me really badly. She says that she wants to be with me but she wants to still be friends with the man she has feelings for. Would it be wrong of me to have her chose? Can someone please help me make the best decision for my marriage.


David - Its not wrong to tell her to choose. You are her husband, she took a vow, you deserve her commitment. If she wants to be with someone else, she needs to end your marriage. Tell her this.

Has she ever discussed issues within the marriage? Are there needs of hers you aren't meeting? This doesn't excuse her behaviour, but it might explain it, and give you two something to work on. She still needs to ditch this other guy, though. Its the right thing to do, morally and to give your marriage a fighting chance if you decide to work on it.

Good luck.


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## KanDo

David,

So sorry you are here. I am going to disagree with everyone above. It *IS* wrong of you to tell her to choose. *You should be telling her to get out!*

You are only months into your marriage. She should be seeing nothing but butterflys around your head and rainbows coming out of your jockey shorts. PLEASE Abandon ship while you still can. Get an annulment if possible. This will not end well for you in the future.

Count yourself lucky to have found out who she is early on in your relationship.


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## sapientia

KanDo said:


> David,
> 
> So sorry you are here. I am going to disagree with everyone above. It *IS* wrong of you to tell her to choose. *You should be telling her to get out!*


Actually, I agree. This way *you* are making the choice. Take your power back. Let her suffer the consequences of her behaviour sooner rather than later.

Maybe she will realize her mistake and do a 180. If she does, make sure you know what conditions you want to work on things (minimum should be NC with this OM and counselling).


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## sandc

There is an old saw here on TAM, "You have to be willing to lose your marriage in order to save it." Meaning that if a BS files, that many times the WS will snap out of their fog.

However, for this to happen so quickly isn't good. You guys should still be in your honeymoon phase. It may be best to file and find a woman who wants to devote herself to you. Remember, you don't NEED this woman to be happy, you WANT this woman.


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## turnera

How old are you two?


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## Toffer

David,

By the way, you don't have to tell her to choose. She chose six months ago when she said I Do!


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## MysteryMan1

east2west said:


> Does anyone else think that it is a waste of effort to do all this surveillance on a spouse who has started straying so early in the marriage? Someone who starts an affair less than a month after marriage should not have gotten married. Period. I think if you don't leave her now you will find yourself back here again and again.


This is where I stand. This sets off major alarms in my head that you should let her go and try to find someone else. It's only been a month!


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