# The drama continues



## artycupid (Jan 19, 2011)

*my fiance's twitter posts brings red flags*

posted before, i am getting married, and not sure about some aspects of my fiance. He's normally fine, but his twitter always sends me all kinds of red flags. here are some just from this last month. Tell me what you guys think, most of it is about sports, some is about my father. My dad tried to add 40 people to the wedding which i didnt really care, my dad is paying 10k for the wedding and those people are my family, but well read on. 


My God, @SeppBlatter, get ****ed you corrupt, bigoted *******
Legends and Leaders? Are you ****ing ****ting me? #BigTenFail

I generally like @SI_JonHeyman, but come on man...you're making a fool of yourself

Now that I'm home, and I can tweet properly: ****. I mean, just...****. ****. #****

Getting off twitter before I say things I'll regret. Need time to drink heavily before I sleep. Hopefully enough to forget what baseball is.

No, seriously, **** you. @NFL

I kinda wanna get thrown out of another Phillies games this year, honestly.

I got kicked out of a Phillies game 2 years ago for being, drunk, belligerent, and rooting for the Blue Jays though.

'm off twitter for the night. Anniversary dinner with (me). Hoping to get my mind off sports.

Oh the things I'd be buying right now if I didn't have to save for the wedding...

Alex Beam, get ****ed.

That Werth deal is hilarious. Oh man. The Nationals are just comically stupid at this point.

I hope you corrupt mother ****ers are ready for the hell you just unleashed.

Figured. FIFA, **** you.

t wasn't that many years ago that I was extremely excited to go back upstate for/after Thanksgiving. (this is about his ex GF)

Whoever that chick was doing color on the Knicks game: My God she was awful. Please never talk about my team again.

agreed. My girlfriend would refuse to go Football comes 1st for me anyway. I'd just get indiv. tix for big games

Our wedding guest list was at 92. XXXX's dad wants to add another 49 people I don't know. #furious

know myself well enough to know I'm not going to feel nearly as comfortable being as open if there's such a large number of people I don't know.

Watching Smackdown sometime after 1 am, not sober, on Friday night is becoming a routine. #isthisabadthing? (he i guess does this alone while im sleeping b/c i work the weekends)


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## artycupid (Jan 19, 2011)

*Re: my fiance's twitter posts brings red flags*

hi can u guys give me some advice or opinions? should i have these red flags or am ijust being crazy?


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

*Re: my fiance's twitter posts brings red flags*

What red flags are we looking for? What has you upset? And adding 40 to guest list sound like a lot but even worse when original guest list was in the 90's!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

*Re: my fiance's twitter posts brings red flags*

The only main thing I saw and would be concerned with is when he said he needed to drink heavily.


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

*Re: my fiance's twitter posts brings red flags*

The drinking thing was a red flag to me as well. He managed out of tens of thousands of people to get himself kicked out of a game????? Who does that???? Someone with a serious issue, if you ask me. He really sounds over the top with the sports thing.

I enjoy sports. Not all of them. It was when my son started playing baseball that I developed a love for the sport. We REALLY got into last year's games and especially the playoffs...being HUGE Rangers fans. Went to games. Watched every televised game there was. My sister attended the ONE World Series game they won (at home), and she called me on the phone so I could hear the fans cheering. You could probably hear us all over town here. That to me is what "normal" fans do. Some do go a little overboard, but it's all in good fun. I think this is more than fun for your fiance.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

*Re: my fiance's twitter posts brings red flags*

I wouldn't enjoy handling so many strangers in my own wedding...
We only have around 5 tables, around 30 guests who are very close friends, and family members.
You know, those who you really know and those who truely wish you happiness.
It was in a very romantic, ancient wedding restaurant with a beautiful garden... 
It's really a wedding belonged to me & my husband.
No strangers.


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## artycupid (Jan 19, 2011)

*Re: my fiance's twitter posts brings red flags*

yeah major misfit that's more my concern, how A. serious it is to him and B. how much of a "bad sport" he kind of is. Like telling strangers to go F themselves and the language is so foul, but other than foul he is just being nasty and cruel at points. Makes me wonder when one day he'll speak to me that way


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

artycupid said:


> yeah major misfit that's more my concern, how A. serious it is to him and B. how much of a "bad sport" he kind of is. Like telling strangers to go F themselves and the language is so foul, but other than foul he is just being nasty and cruel at points. Makes me wonder when one day he'll speak to me that way


I guess I'm desensitized to that kind of banter as I work with a lot of 20 year olds. The first time I was told to 'shut up' I was taken aback. Here's the question - did he go get drunk? Does he swear at you? Or is it dude sports talk? About wedding guests I'd be upset too. Red flag for him that your dad still has a lot of influence over you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

*Re: my fiance's twitter posts brings red flags*



artycupid said:


> yeah major misfit that's more my concern, how A. serious it is to him and B. how much of a "bad sport" he kind of is. Like telling strangers to go F themselves and the language is so foul, but other than foul he is just being nasty and cruel at points. Makes me wonder when one day he'll speak to me that way


Have you ever been on the receiving end of any "nasty and cruel" from him yet? It could be that in an anonymous place, he can do things he wouldn't consider doing in real life. I don't blame you for wondering, though. I'd be wondering when my turn was coming. 

I think you need to look objectively at this. He's already stated that sports is his first love. Is that to the exclusion of everything and everyone else? I guess you won't really know unless/until you get in a situation where you REALLY need him and he's forfeited your needs for a sports event.


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

*Re: my fiance's twitter posts brings red flags*

He sounds like a standard Philly fan. They are on another level. I only saw one post about a drink. That doesn't seem to much over the course of a month. Your red flag should be that you may be sitting a close second to his sports once the honeymoon period is over.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

artycupid said:


> hi can u guys give me some advice or opinions? should i have these red flags or am ijust being crazy?


Bottom line - it depends how he treats you in real life. What's scary and offensive to you is no big deal to others - only you know how he means it. You sound nervous and unsure. If so, you're not a bad person for calling it off. You don't need a huge reason to simply not be ready!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

*Re: my fiance's twitter posts brings red flags*

For me, the big red flag is you asking these questions.

If you can't talk to him about this, then you shouldn't be getting married. If you have talked to him, but don't like his answers, then you shouldn't be getting married.

From what I have read .... he isn't ready for marriage.


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## artycupid (Jan 19, 2011)

*Re: my fiance's twitter posts brings red flags*

hi sadsadIam what makes you think he isnt ready for marriage?

yeah he is sometimes nasty with me and is ALWAYS nasty to his ex who hurt him badly, but I can see that, she did hurt him, but i dont know, he holds on to it deeply


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

*Re: my fiance's twitter posts brings red flags*

I don't think he is ready for marriage, because he isn't willing to put his family ahead of his sports.


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## artycupid (Jan 19, 2011)

Hi there, I posted a couple weeks back worried about my fiance's sports habits and how is gone all the time and puts sports over me.

Well i decided to continue with the wedding and got a call last night from my maid of honor.

She is stepping down because she doesnt approve of my marriage she told me. 

Get this, she doesnt approve not because of his sports issue (which ive never talked to her about) but because she thinks he smokes too much weed and does mushrooms too much. 

I wasnt upset at her, she is still one of my bestfriends and seemed truly concerned about me, but my Fiance got REALLY mad and started posting on his twitter her entire full name and calling her a selfish, cowardly ****, and now her husband found out.

What the hell am i going to do?


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## Suckerpunched (Jan 27, 2011)

Spoken very gently*

How old are you guys?!? This was/is extremely childish IMHO.

If someone doesn't want to take part, thank them for being honest and wish them well.
His reaction was over the top, and would make me seriously question whether or not this is the kind of person I'd want to build a life with.

On the other hand, I am kind of grumpy so maybe I'm outta line here.


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

Your friend sounds like a wonderful person. It sounds like she went about this in a very mature fashion. She didn't act like a coward at all. Keep her around! 

Your fiance just proved her right by his behavior. He's acting like a child. I don't think he's ready for an adult relationship at all. Ask him to remove the tweets out of respect for you.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

artycupid said:


> What the hell am i going to do?


Use some of the money you get from the wedding and put a really good divorce attorney on retainer.


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## artycupid (Jan 19, 2011)

I know what you all mean, he did surprise me with his reaction. it was the first thing I thought when i woke up, just the fact he used her FULL name, and didnt just say "one of my fiance's friends" and then called her a selfish cowardly ****.....it's embarrassing to say the least. 

also she was one of only two people in my bridal party, the other person is my sister who doesnt approve but will be there with me anyway, and this is the second person to tell me this kind of thing...

A few months ago I got an anonymous email from someone saying I was making the biggest mistake in my life marrying him, and they had a separate reason too tho, they said something about me being withdrawn and depressed lately and clearly unhappy. IDK 

Agh WTF, arent weddings supposed to be happy? Why is this wedding driving so many ppl apart? I should clarify, so many of MY friends and family apart. Everyone on his side is supportive and happy.

Im getting mixed messages what do i do??


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## artycupid (Jan 19, 2011)

Here are his tweets verbatim, minus some very important information, like names, because_ I _believe in respect and privacy

---
So furious right now.

(XXXXX XXXX) is a selfish, cowardly ****. That is all.

Those angry tweets earlier:XXXX (my fiancée) maid of honor told her she couldn't do the job cause she doesn't approve of our marriage.

There are details I won't get into on here about why, but it was a really selfish, really hurtful action no true friend would ever make.

Conclusion: We're better off without having someone like that as an integral part anyway. She doesn't deserve it.

How some people can be so thoughtless I'll never understand. If it were truly something she were concerned about, she would have...

...talked to my fiance about it to make sure all was well. Instead, she stewed and made the decision out of her own insecurities.

-----


I cant see how my friend risking our friendship to tell me her heartfelt concerns constitutes being selfish?


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Please don't marry this man.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Youre not getting mixed messages.
Everyone who knows and cares about YOU is telling you you're making a big mistake.
His side is supportive because YOU aren't an immature, impulsive, selfish drug-user.
What you are is in denial, I hope that doesn't offend you.
They don't approve because it is a bad idea. Wake up!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

> Im getting mixed messages what do i do??


I don't see that the messages are mixed at all. It sounds like everyone who knows *you*, cares about *you*, is invested in *your* happiness is in absolute, total agreement: 

Don't do it. 

Don't marry someone who doesn't respect your friends, doesn't respect your family and doesn't respect you. 

Don't marry someone with a clear problem dealing appropriately with his anger.

Don't marry someone who not only thinks it's okay to manipulate you, but takes pride in bragging about it.

Don't marry someone who doesn't ever, ever put you and time with you ahead of his own interests.

Don't marry a heavy drug user/addict.

Are you seeing a pattern in what you're hearing? From what you're saying, it seems like it's a pretty universal message. And the people delivering aren't mad at you, aren't jealous of you--they're telling you these things calmly, rationally and in the kindest way they can. (As opposed to oh-so-mature twitter rants...)

The only people who are "happy and supportive" are the people who have already had to put up with his crap for years and either hope you'll "fix" him or are glad you'll be the one to have to deal with him now.

I'm not sure what it is about him that seems so good that you want to spend the rest of your life with him being treated this way, but when you're hearing the same thing across the board from everyone in YOUR life, I really hope you'll give their input some serious thought.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Just to add one thing: 
you are SO YOUNG!!!!
You have plenty of time to meet someone who treats you right, you will have lost nothing, and you needn't be in any rush right now!!!
Take it from someone who broke off an engagement at the age of 25, felt liberated after doing so, and met my husband at age 28.
Or hell, anyone else who met their SO in their 30's or after!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## artycupid (Jan 19, 2011)

I get what you are all saying definitely, I feel crazy for being blind but at the same time, my fiance says these ppl are being selfish and are not my real friends. So maybe I just dont have real friends if they cant be happy for me, maybe he has a point however immature he may be about it. Thoughts? We may very well divorce, I am just wondering if its true what ppl say about change after marriage, that it doesnt happen, that things get worse. because in my heart it REALLY feels like things will get better overall in time when we grow up a bit together.


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

artycupid said:


> I get what you are all saying definitely, I feel crazy for being blind but at the same time, my fiance says these ppl are being selfish and are not my real friends. So maybe I just dont have real friends if they cant be happy for me, maybe he has a point however immature he may be about it. Thoughts? We may very well divorce, I am just wondering if its true what ppl say about change after marriage, that it doesnt happen, that things get worse. because in my heart it REALLY feels like things will get better overall in time when we grow up a bit together.


Why not work on your relationship before you get married, so you're spared the hassle of divorce if it doesn't work out? 

That girl is certainly your real friend. If I felt the same about a friend I wouldn't be a bridesmaid either. I would certainly attend the wedding and hope for the best, but bridesmaids are supposed to be excited for the couple. She sees this as a negative for you. So does everyone else looking in. 

I can guarantee it was hard for her to back out, she knew she'd chance losing you as a friend and being painted in a bad light. Your happiness is worth that to her. 

Please don't let him control you. I worry that it will get worse when you marry. He thinks it's funny to manipulate you. He's trying to do just that right now. Keep your friend. Tell him that she has valid reasons to be concerned.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

artycupid said:


> I get what you are all saying definitely, I feel crazy for being blind but at the same time, my fiance says these ppl are being selfish and are not my real friends. So maybe I just dont have real friends if they cant be happy for me, maybe he has a point however immature he may be about it. Thoughts? We may very well divorce, I am just wondering if its true what ppl say about change after marriage, that it doesnt happen, that things get worse. because in my heart it REALLY feels like things will get better overall in time when we grow up a bit together.


Gonna be blunt: a selfish person (your fiancé) calls them selfish.

Sure, people outgrow some things.

But you're looking at marrying him NOW. With these behaviors. Don't gamble and hope they'll go away when there's no guarantee.

Gonna be blunt again: I may be guilty of the same thing as you, and if I had given myself more time to look objectively, I mightve thought twice about marrying my H, though I love him.
There were things I hoped would magically "go away" after we got married.
They didn't. We're working it out, and our situations are different, but my point is this: don't marry him hoping he will change.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Your fiance is the selfish one. He's turning it on them as a tactic to make himself look better. How on earth are your friends and family being selfish? Your friends gain nothing by stopping the marriage. Your fiance is the one who gains by marrying you. Things will not get better once you get married. They will get worse. If you want to live life married to a selfish, drug user who will drive you away from your friends, that is really a terrible choice.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Your boyfriend isn't ready for marriage. Everyone that knows you and cares about you can see this. Listen to your friends. 

It is a very bad sign that your boyfriend is trying to control you by telling you your friends aren't true friends. 

You are posting on here because you know that you shouldn't be marrying him.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Arty, back up the truck! Do you still believe that after the wedding, it's all "happily ever after"? You seem to want the happiness of the wedding, and nothing wrong with that, but can you imagine what your life will be like after you marry him? Some things, like him saying your friends are selfish and not your real friends-that is a RED FLAG for an abusive partner: he's trying to isolate you from your friends, and soon, your family will be denounced this way, too. 
Girl, PLEASE, drop this guy like a greased bowling ball, I agree with your family and friends, you are making a HUGE MISTAKE if you marry him.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

artycupid said:


> I get what you are all saying definitely, I feel crazy for being blind but at the same time, my fiance says these ppl are being selfish and are not my real friends. So maybe I just dont have real friends if they cant be happy for me, maybe he has a point however immature he may be about it. Thoughts? We may very well divorce, I am just wondering if its true what ppl say about change after marriage, that it doesnt happen, that things get worse. because in my heart it REALLY feels like things will get better overall in time when we grow up a bit together.


Real friends want the best for you, so that they can truly be happy for you. They don't just cheer along for whatever you're doing at the moment. I mean, anyone can tell you how cute you look driving your new car. A friend tells you you're about to drive it off a cliff, even if you'd rather hear more about how fast and shiny it is. Your real friends are exactly the people you listen to because you know they'll be honest with you, whether you're talking about shopping, or getting married.

And what does he say is their motivation for being selfish? It seems that everyone you've talked about has taken huge risks and gone to pretty great lengths to tell you how they feel. It also sounds like the people that are telling you their concerns have pretty solid lives of their own. I mean, your best friend is married, if anything, she'd be more interested in you being married too--it's not like you're abandoning her in the swinging single life. What is he such a catch that everyone you know is trying to break you up so they can have a chance? His logic just doesn't make sense.

And let me just tell you that it is so much harder to divorce than you seem to think. I have it pretty good, we have no kids, we've never shared property or finances in any way, but it's still been incredibly difficult to come to the conclusion that we're just no good being married to each other and working all that out. And we don't fight. We aren't angry people that get kicked out of places for our behavior. It's just a sad situation after 10 years together. And besides. You can't muster the balls to tell him you don't want to tailgate with him while your sister is in town. How would you ever tell him something big like, you don't want to be married anymore....you have to make this decision now.

I think when you think about people changing after marriage, you have to think about a couple of things. One big thing is that this time before marriage is the most romantic time you guys have together, when you put your best selves out there to woo the other person, to show them that you're the one they should choose to be with forever. Once you're married, you tend to relax more because you know you've "got them". Then you add in more day to day little stresses and it can seem like things are getting worse. The other big thing I'd say is that it's a really, really bad idea to marry someone hoping that they'll change. For one thing, you never know what they'll change into....


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

F-102 said:


> Arty, back up the truck! Do you still believe that after the wedding, it's all "happily ever after"? You seem to want the happiness of the wedding, and nothing wrong with that, but can you imagine what your life will be like after you marry him? Some things, like him saying your friends are selfish and not your real friends-that is a RED FLAG for an abusive partner: he's trying to isolate you from your friends, and soon, your family will be denounced this way, too.
> Girl, PLEASE, drop this guy like a greased bowling ball, I agree with your family and friends, you are making a HUGE MISTAKE if you marry him.


:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:


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## stumblealong (Jun 30, 2010)

Divorce is very hard to go through. Lots of money, lots of heartache, and if children are involved, very sad and complicated. Get out while you can!


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

I'm of the school of thought that a grown woman needs to make her own decisions on who to marry and why.

Weed and shrooms? You can get through that pretty easily. Loves sports a little too much? C'mon. There are some serious issues that keep people in marriages apart. Those aren't even close.

I know others will disagree with me but I have no issues being blunt. You're the most qualified person to make this decision. You are. You have been with him, the others who comment on your relationship have not.


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

it seems to me you are going to marry him no matter what. i hope the best for you.

your friends only have you in mind and your happiness, keep them in your life.

people do change, not "just because".... but because they want to.

i hope he does want to be a better man for you, i hope he starts putting you first and not sports, i hope he decides to let the drugs alone, i hope he matures and grows as a person.

i hope you have a wonderful wedding.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

And what happens when he comes home from a weekend of partying with the guys at the big game, and you start finding phone #s in his pockets, photos of him with two hotties on his lap from his bud's FB page, e-mails from women saying they can't wait until he gets back to town?
If you call him out on these, he will react in either of two ways: giving you the BS that it was nothing, you're too paranoid, that it was his friends trying to play a joke on you (he seems to love blaming others for his problems), 
OR...
Him exploding that you're invading his privacy, spying on him, and that you're trying to change him-and who's to say that he won't back these outbursts up with his fists?
And if he does, he'll be telling you that you drove him to it, it was YOUR fault that he had to hit you because you made him angry, and be expecting you to tell everyone "Oh, I, um...fell down..."
This guy is bad news.


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## artycupid (Jan 19, 2011)

Wow last post, do you think he might do that? Use violence i mean? 

I overheard my sister telling her friend that she's worried he is type of guy to lose his job in his 40s and come home and kill off the family. I think shes being absurd. 

So far I agree tons of red flags but maybe i am searching for them and they arent real red flags just jitters. 

I mean i definitely wonder what the hell sometimes goes on with his boy vacations. He goes to vegas at least twice a year (we live in PA) and is gone most weekends, so sometimes the thought does cross my mind. 

Now I found out he used up all his vacation days on sports events and wants to delay our honeymoon. this after he told me to not take off certain days to go with him on those vacations bc i'd need them for our honeymoon. agh.


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## artycupid (Jan 19, 2011)

Oh ok maybe I am overreacting but my fiance has a favorite soccer player he has a framed drawing of that he paid like 100 for. 

Anyway the player recently traded teams and it upset him so much he took the picture and set it on fire.

Set. it. on. fire. 

Then said how awesome that felt and 
posted it on his facebook and twitter


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## artycupid (Jan 19, 2011)

photo-1.jpg picture by artycupid - Photobucket fire pic


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

Run away from this guy and fast. Let me be blunt- this guy WILL abuse you.


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## artycupid (Jan 19, 2011)

Hi 4sure, why do you say he Will abuse me? im not being defensive im just wondering what makes you see that whereas i seem to be so blind, what about him makes u think he would be abusive to me


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## artycupid (Jan 19, 2011)

picture worth a thousand words? Here is a video he made when we first started dating about 3 years ago: yup this is him

YouTube - Hi Rachel again

thoughts? i know its lovey dovey but thats the honeymoon phase, i just want to know if there are any red flags/bad vibes going on here for you wise peeps who are objective. Some people say he is creepy. Thanks!


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## artycupid (Jan 19, 2011)

YouTube - tonyforrachel's Channel 

and this


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

artycupid said:


> So far I agree tons of red flags but maybe i am searching for them and they arent real red flags just jitters.


You've had complete strangers and people who are close to you voice their concern over him. We don't have jitters or cold feet, I promise.

You have to choose to see what's in front of you. I understand that calling off a wedding might bring a bit of stress, but a marriage when either partner isn't ready will be far more stressful.

I don't think you're ready to see him as he really is. Good luck.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

*Re: my fiance's twitter posts brings red flags*

You don't think that "football comes 1st" isn't a total deal breaker????????


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

artycupid said:


> Well i decided to continue with the wedding and got a call last night from my maid of honor.
> 
> She is stepping down because she doesnt approve of my marriage she told me.
> 
> Get this, she doesnt approve not because of his sports issue (which ive never talked to her about) but because she thinks he smokes too much weed and does mushrooms too much.


Your maid of honor just did a truly heroic thing for you.

Why are you too stupid to listen?


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Arty, if you have to ask people if he'd REALLY do that, sounds like you don't really know him. Sure, he may be a macho, alpha male, and maybe that is what you are attracted to right now, but a guy who demands you save vacation days, then goes jetting off to Vegas in a "men only" trip (gotta wonder what he doesn't want you to see), and then drops the "delayed honeymoon" bomb on you, is a very immature, selfish man-child.
Not saying he's violent, but that weed and shrooms problem, coupled with the high-level testosterone sports sessions with the buds (tell me, is he the kind that pounds back a whole case of beer, screams like a banshee when his team scores, swears like a sailor at the top of his lungs when they lose, pounds his chest and bangs chests with the other guys, and expects you to keep the food coming and to stay out of sight until you have to clean up the mess?), but I say that he sounds abusive, if not physically, then mentally and emotionally.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Maybe I was wrong about the alpha male-he looks like a serial killer!


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

People do what they want. They'll shoot themselves in the foot no matter how many opinions and straw polls they gather.

Nothing anyone says here is going to make up your mind for you. It's YOUR mind. Marry the guy. Have kids with him. 

Be ready to spend a lot of time alone. 

I'd say, " RUN, FORREST, RUN!!!" but what difference does it make? If your friends aren't reaching you, then far be it from a stranger in cyberspace to make any difference.

I say forget what you hear; look at the ACTIONS. I married a guy who told me he loved me until the night I walked out, but he treated me like $hit by spending more time with his golf/drinking buddies than he ever did with me.


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## artycupid (Jan 19, 2011)

no no dont get me wrong, I AM taking what you all say very seriously! I am seriously considering pulling out of this. It's like my eyes are opening. Serial killer you say? i wish you were the first to say that about him! 

Also seeing that video reminds me how he is nothing like that at all anymore, except for the creepy factor, thats full blown, imagine that creepiness but with a constant negative attitude calling ppl who disagree with him cxnts and pathetic idiots sitting in his basement all day and setting fire to old team players, thats him now.

Oh and fat.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I can't believe you don't see the red flags in this guy. 

Look at it this way: If 99 people in a room of 100 see a purple cow, and one person sees a green cow, what color is the cow?

You KNOW he is a mistake; you just don't want to admit it.

Call the wedding off. Wait another year. Tell him that if he can go the next 12 months without weed or mushrooms, you will marry him in a year.

See what he does.

Then you'll know the truth.

fwiw, I was engaged to a guy who expected me to GO to all his sports, 75% of all our time was him doing sports, me watching him do sports, or me sitting at home waiting him to get home from sports. The other 25%, I later found out, was him cheating on me with another girl - in MY car! While I sat at home waiting for him. Notice that our lives had NOTHING to do with what I wanted - only me backing up what HE wanted. Sound familiar? He actually got arrested for growing weed, and I STILL backed him up to everyone - EVERYONE - around me telling me to ditch him.

It wasn't until he totalled my car - on a trip with his GIRLFRIEND - that I finally got the nerve to dump him. I wasted 3 years ignoring my family and friends, defending him, LOSING all my friends and family cos they couldn't sit by and watch me become quieter, sadder, and more withdrawn...all because he was using me, and I was losing MYSELF in trying to keep him happy and defending him.

If you don't think your fiance is doing this, then post here what your typical week is like - honestly. No sugar coating.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

artycupid said:


> I mean _i definitely wonder what the hell sometimes goes on with his boy vacations_. He goes to vegas at least twice a year (we live in PA) and _is gone most weekends_, so sometimes the thought does cross my mind.
> 
> Now I found out he used up all his vacation days on sports events and wants to delay our honeymoon. this after *he told me to not take off certain days to go with him on those vacations* bc i'd need them for our honeymoon. agh.


 Translation: I'm with the boys, babe. We're getting free sex all weekend, so I SURE AS HELL don't want you cramping my style. Besides it's easy to lie to you cos you're so dumb and gullible, all I have to say is I want to have time for the honeymoon and you back off and quit asking annoying questions about my 'guy/sex time.'


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Have you gotten an STD test lately?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

He uses the C word? 

Walk away today. My DH used that word ONCE. I told him if I ever heard that word come out of his mouth again, he would never SEE me again, for the rest of my life.


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## artycupid (Jan 19, 2011)

yes turnera he uses that word ALL the time and then posted my best friends full name and called her the c word in the post


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## artycupid (Jan 19, 2011)

Does he at least LOOK like a nice person in the videos or just like someone kind of creepy? Even if we dont marry i want to know if I have someone who is/was somewhere deep inside a good human and not a "Serial killer" thoughts? 

You can reply;

a. Decent person somewhere
b. Sleeze ball even then
c. Serial Killer hiding


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

I would be very, very careful if you choose to extract yourself from this relationship. You appear to be with someone who thinks "everyone else" is to blame and whose reactions to being thwarted in any way are disturbingly extreme. 

The scariest thing about "this" type person is that gradually as things go badly for them - it becomes all "your" fault somehow. 

As the father of an adult daughter - and very much respecting her right to live her life as she chooses. If she were marrying someone like "him" I would not:
- contribute a penny to the wedding
- attend the wedding

I also would not actively tell her "not" to marry him. I would merely be willing to explain why I would not participate in the wedding - if she wanted to know. 

I would also have a very short conversation with him about what would happen if I ever saw any evidence at all of domestic violence. 




artycupid said:


> Does he at least LOOK like a nice person in the videos or just like someone kind of creepy? Even if we dont marry i want to know if I have someone who is/was somewhere deep inside a good human and not a "Serial killer" thoughts?
> 
> You can reply;
> 
> ...


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

He seems normal on the first video.

My DD20 dated a guy in 11th grade who was about 5'6", geeky looking, totally adorable in a non-threatening way. My DD20 - who is VERY outgoing, strong, capable - was, within a month, on the phone in tears with him, begging him not to be mad at her. 

I would NEVER have pegged him for abusive. But there it was - in living daylight. She broke up with him mid-July. He spent the next 8 months tracking her, showing up everywhere she went, basically stalking her. And they only dated a month! But she dared to break up with him, and that's all it took for him to blow a gasket.

If you really want to know what to do, go get this book and read it this week before you decide anything. It's the bible for abusive situations. If you are honest with yourself, and see your situation in the book, then you'll know you need to cut it off: _Why Does He Do That? Inside The Minds Of Angry And Controlling Men_, by Bancroft.

See if you recognize yourself, or him, in it.

Other good books to read are by Patricia Evans. She speciallizes in abusive relationships.

Know this: girls who end up in such situations do NOT go into it willingly. They don't KNOW it's happening. They do it one 'give in' at a time. I'll explain more if you want.


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## janesmith (Nov 29, 2010)

ruuuunnnnnnnn forest runnnnnnnnnnnnn


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

artycupid said:


> Hi 4sure, why do you say he Will abuse me? im not being defensive im just wondering what makes you see that whereas i seem to be so blind, what about him makes u think he would be abusive to me


I found a list online of compiled characteristics, the site this is from is: Psych-Net Mental Health, Profiles of Abuse I bolded the items that I think apply just from your various posts. 

*Profile of a Batterer*

*1. Doesn't show feelings or emotions easily (except anger)*
2. Jealous and possessive
*3. Into "macho things" like guns & 4x4 trucks* (or every sport known to man....)
*4. Has a high need for aggression (in a car, boxing, sports, etc.)* (kicked out of games, firesetting, those tweets)
*5. Corporate go-getter (salesman of the month etc.)*
* 6. Has a high need for dominance - may try to control everything or everyone* (Tailgating over family, not letting you go on his "boy trips")
7. Ranks high on masculinity scale on psychological testing
8. Minimizes seriousness of abuse
9. May have been physically abused as a child
10. Learned violence as a child (see above notes about how violence is learned)
* 11. Often prone to drug and/or alcohol abuse* (alcohol, shrooms--not that common, really-- AND pot. That's a lot of recreational chemical enhancement, even for being young!)
12. May have few friends (partner may also be socially isolated due to embarrassment or because of a controlling partner)
* 13. Socially isolated - few resources available for support, help, or intervention.* (new town, etc.)
14. Emotionally dependent on the partner - goes to any length to keep her/him from leaving.
15. Will often become remorseful after abusing partner - giving gifts, begging for forgiveness, promising never to do it again
* 16. Blames anger on the partner or accuses them of attacking or provoking him/her* (I'm thinking of his er.... feelings about his ex, after all this time here, actually)
* 17. Has difficulty taking responsibility for self - may blame actions on others, society, alcohol, work, partner, etc.*

People get a high from violence. It can become an addiction. Like a drug, once it starts in a relationship, it escalates and rarely stops or decreases in intensity, without outside intervention. Once someone learns how to control others with violent behavior, violence becomes automatic when they feel frustrated, angry or insecure. 

*********************************************

Those are just the most glaring examples....and why people on the outside would be concerned about the potential for something long before something actually happened to you. Especially those of us who've been there or seen it before. I used to work for a domestic violence agency and like I used to always tell "my girls" in teen group, you'd never go out with someone again if they clocked you on the first date for ordering the wrong dinner, right? It's a lot slower and more subtle than that, which is why the outside opinions of your friends and family is so valuable.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

artycupid said:


> Does he at least LOOK like a nice person in the videos or just like someone kind of creepy? Even if we dont marry i want to know if I have someone who is/was somewhere deep inside a good human and not a "Serial killer" thoughts?
> 
> You can reply;
> 
> ...


Hmmm....probably not a _serial killer_, per se. I think your sister is probably more on target and his focus would be a bit narrower than the world at large. He's definitely creepy. If I met him at a party, I'd end the conversation and move along right away.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

arty, this is my opinion, but any man who uses the C word has a COMPLETE disregard for females. They are tools to him, to be used to give him pleasure. To get that, he sometimes will 'act' nice to get what he wants. And once he gets you to the level that he knows you're too addicted to him (or mentally abused) to leave, his true personality comes out. The C word comes out. The anger. The putting you last behind his friends and activities. The drugs. 

He is totally self-absorbed and he thinks you're too weak now to leave him.

Prove him wrong.


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