# Is a lesbian experience a red flag?



## cyclone (Jul 7, 2014)

I'm in a new relationship with a 35 year old woman and she had one lesbian experience ten years ago. I know for some guys this is hot but not for me. Should I be concerned about this at all?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

One? I wouldn't think so.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

My wife had a close call, not all the way, when she was pretty young and she thought I was gay when she met me, long story. 23 years and two grown kids says we're good!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

At the risk of getting creamed by the generalization police, it's believed by many sex researchers that female sexuality is in general more fluid than that of men. A single event years ago is probably a lot more common than you realize.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Usually it's just youthful experimentation. Occasionally not, though. A woman I dated in high school got married, had kids, and in her early 40s determined she was a lesbian, got divorced, and has been with women since. At that time, though, there was a lot of stigma around homosexuality, so she may have just thought she was normal but strained. I suspect that in these times, your gf knows her real orientation and preference, so you can probably believe her.


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## cyclone (Jul 7, 2014)

Married but Happy said:


> Usually it's just youthful experimentation. Occasionally not, though. A woman I dated in high school got married, had kids, and in her early 40s determined she was a lesbian, got divorced, and has been with women since. At that time, though, there was a lot of stigma around homosexuality, so she may have just thought she was normal but strained. I suspect that in these times, your gf knows her real orientation and preference, so you can probably believe her.


Yeah, she did say she was grossed out by it. It just makes me wonder what would make someone go that route if they're not gay. I have no issue looking at a guy and thinking he's good looking but no way in hell I'm going to experiment with another male because I'm straight.:scratchhead:


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Cletus said:


> At the risk of getting creamed by the generalization police, it's believed by many sex researchers that female sexuality is in general more fluid than that of men. A single event years ago is probably a lot more common than you realize.


Yup. Agree with the Cletus.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Voltaire2013 (Sep 22, 2013)

Is 'pics or it didn't happen' an inappropriate response? ;-)

When I was in my early 30s I had a lot of twenty something's working for me, they acted like it happens, and it's no big deal. 

Cheers,
V(13)


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Doesn't surprise me. Do YOU want to sleep with a smelly man who pees standing up? I know I sure don't.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Cletus said:


> Doesn't surprise me. Do YOU want to sleep with a smelly man who pees standing up? I know I sure don't.


Sexist!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## vms (Dec 17, 2014)

My ex husband and I had a couple F-F-M threesomes early in our relationship. I determined I liked the idea of being with a woman more than the reality of it. I think that's where a lot of female experimentation comes from. "Is this hot fantasy going to be hot in reality?"


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

I had a lesbian experience when I was like 18. I'm not a lesbian. I haven't had another experience. It was more of a curiosity. Now that I know.....


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## Caribvistors (Jan 13, 2013)

Not uncommon for some ladies to get "involved" with another woman.. Some guys often "fool around" with their friends in their teenage years. The fact it only happened only once would indicate that she didn't find the event that rewarding. Cannot imagine why it seems to be bothering you, everyone has a history.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Don't worry about who she phucked in the past, but keep a look out for how honest she is with her self and with you.

The red flags I'd be looking for would be her stories kept changing!


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## Methuselah (Nov 24, 2014)

cyclone said:


> Should I be concerned about this at all?


Only if she refuses to bring her girlfriends home so you can watch or participate in a threesome.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

cyclone said:


> Yeah, she did say she was grossed out by it. It just makes me wonder what would make someone go that route if they're not gay. I have no issue looking at a guy and thinking he's good looking but no way in hell I'm going to experiment with another male because I'm straight.:scratchhead:



"Straight" and "gay" are relatively new categorizations. Human beings prior to the 19th century tended to concentrate more on behavior, not necessarily sexual behavior as identity.

If you're talking same gender sexual activity, that's fairly common throughout history, among men and women. Millions, if not billions, had sexual experience with both genders, they just didn't typically revolve their lives around taking up with the same sex and "coming out".

What your wife experienced isn't uncommon at all. Same sex sexual activity isn't uncommon today at all. Just that most people don't identify as gay, and most continue to sleep, and form long term partnership, with the opposite sex.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

cyclone said:


> Yeah, she did say she was grossed out by it. It just makes me wonder what would make someone go that route if they're not gay. I have no issue looking at a guy and thinking he's good looking but no way in hell I'm going to experiment with another male because I'm straight.:scratchhead:




I think for you it is a red flag. Get out now.


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## Lone Shadow (Aug 5, 2014)

I dunno. Every time I have sex it's a lesbian experience. I'm just a lesbian trapped in a man's body. :FIREdevil:


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

cyclone said:


> It just makes me wonder what would make someone go that route if they're not gay.


Copious amounts of alcohol? Pressure because "everyone else is trying it so it must be cool and ok? Curiosity?


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## FatherofTwo (Dec 6, 2014)

My wife had told me she's had a few bisexual experiences in the past ( them crazy college days ? ) I know it was during the years when one should be exploring and finding new things.

Nowadays she's a good mother and wife so no complaints nor issues with her past.


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## Lone Shadow (Aug 5, 2014)

Faithful Wife said:


> I think for you it is a red flag. Get out now.


This is closer to the truth than you realize. It was 1 time, 10 years ago, and something that she admittedly didn't like. Yet you're allowing it to bother you. 

If not a red flag for you, you being this bothered by it should probably be a red flag for her.


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## Observer (Aug 23, 2011)

jaquen said:


> "Straight" and "gay" are relatively new categorizations. Human beings prior to the 19th century tended to concentrate more on behavior, not necessarily sexual behavior as identity.
> 
> If you're talking same gender sexual activity, that's fairly common throughout history, among men and women. Millions, if not billions, had sexual experience with both genders, they just didn't typically revolve their lives around taking up with the same sex and "coming out".
> 
> What your wife experienced isn't uncommon at all. Same sex sexual activity isn't uncommon today at all. Just that most people don't identify as gay, and most continue to sleep, and form long term partnership, with the opposite sex.


Historically speaking, I would disagree with what you wrote and view it as nothing more than attempt to reshape history to fit into your view.I will agree that in today's society is trendy to be gay or bi-curious so to that point I answer the OP:

OP, I would not be alamred or have a red flag there. Part of being young is experiencing things that help us define who we truely are. Sounds like she had an experience she would not want to repeat. Don't judge her based off one thing, look at the whole package.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

cyclone said:


> I'm in a new relationship with a 35 year old woman and she had one lesbian experience ten years ago. I know for some guys this is hot but not for me. Should I be concerned about this at all?


Red flag for what exactly? That she is a sexual person?

It is a new relationship. she was honest/ felt safe enough to have told you, it was once, it happened 10 years ago.

I think let her go so she doesn't get caught with a sexually narrow minded man.


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## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

TAM in judgemental jerk mode with OP or something?

The guy expressed concern. He asked a question. Didnt read anything biggoted or very close minded.

Why cant he be concerned? I would bet ALL of us have heard of or personally know people that have divorced as husbands/wives and many times fathers/mothers because they realized that late that they were gay. Sounds scary as hell to me. Worse than a "regular" affair/divorce.

Plus I think it depends on how involved the experience was. If I told my wife early on in our relationship I spent a night trading bjs and anal with a guy multiple times, I think she could at least be "concerned".



So to answer OP's question. Probably not. One time. Didnt like it.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Some people are try-sexual. 

Why cross her off the list if you get along with her just fine?

However, if that is a dealbreaker, let her go.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

cyclone said:


> Yeah, she did say she was grossed out by it. It just makes me wonder what would make someone go that route if they're not gay.


Because beer. Or curious. Or just wanted to. Millions of reasons.

I myself have swam in the lady pond. It doesn't mean I want to marry a woman (or man either for that matter). LOL. 

If she was grossed out by it and it never happened again then rest assured she was probably just experimenting.

If you aren't ok with this, dump her and date other people.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

I wouldn't think much of it unless she had actually long-term dated women or something


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## Eagle3 (Dec 4, 2013)

Like others have said its only a flag if you think its a deal breaker. But honeslty what is the differnce her having past encounters with a male or female. Both genders have lips, fingers, and a tounge to use. 

Heck i prefer for my partner to have a female past than a male. Takes the whole comparing of the equipment size right out the equation. Score!


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

ConanHub said:


> My wife had a close call, not all the way, when she was pretty young and she thought I was gay when she met me, long story. 23 years and two grown kids says we're good!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You're not gay? Are you sure?


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

She was open and honest with him. All OP needs to do is log off TAM and talk with her. About her experience, how he feels about it and his concerns. 

Then alpha up. She'll stay by your side, dude. No worries. Read MMSLP and enjoy her company.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Q tip said:


> You're not gay? Are you sure?


Better check with all the midlife crisis going on around here! LOL!&#55357;&#56841;
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## homerjay (Dec 12, 2014)

Is her having sex with a man years ago a red flag? It could be....though she could cheat either way (,i.e. either gender..)


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

Cletus said:


> At the risk of getting creamed by the generalization police, it's believed by many sex researchers that female sexuality is in general more fluid than that of men. A single event years ago is probably a lot more common than you realize.


As a bisexual woman married faithfully to a man I concur. This is not a generalisation at all.

Does my sexuality make me a possible cheater? Nope. Its gender neutral. Has nothing to do with sexual fluidity or orientation, has everything to do with making a choice.

I chose to be faithful, have always been faithful and will always remain faithful regardless of my sexual orientation.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Observer said:


> Historically speaking, I would disagree with what you wrote and view it as nothing more than attempt to reshape history to fit into your view.



Care to offer some backing proof? Because I could flood this thread with information and facts to back up mine.

Knee jerk reactions, and accusations of "reshaping history to fit my view", don't magically back up yours. Whatever that "view" might be.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> Because beer. Or curious. Or just wanted to. Millions of reasons.
> 
> I myself have swam in the lady pond. It doesn't mean I want to marry a woman (or man either for that matter). LOL.
> 
> ...


Here is the problem. Women *lie* a lot about their sexual pasts. I don't think he is so worried about A sexual encounter so much as that she is in denial about her sexuality. And we HAVE seen it happen many times here on TAm.

Women are afraid (correctly) at being judged according to numbers or the characteristics of their partners.

So they lie. And just as bad, they trickle truth. "Hmm. I was a big LUG (Lesbian Until Graduation) during college, so it is impossible for at least SOME of that to not come out, so why don't I test the waters with a discussion of a vanilla encounter to see how he reacts?"

Cause not to put too fine a point on it, she is looking for red flags too and if you are freaked by a little 'I hated it' lesbian encounter, she can save face by breaking it off quickly before her 'Girls Gone Wild' videos come up.

On the plus side, this took a certain amount of bravery to admit (though not a whole lot).

If you probe, you drop in value to her, either because you want parameters or she is afraid to be caught in a lie.

You can have whatever red flags you want. At this point, I would analyze her honesty in general more than this one lesbian encounter.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

My H wouldn't be comfortable with it.. Neither would I if the roles were reversed.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

What you are worried about isn't the lesbian encounter. It is how honest she is being about her sexuality and her sexual history.

We can't answer that. And if you start digging, I can assure you she will start walking.

There is no 'win' here.


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## Caribvistors (Jan 13, 2013)

SimplyA

My wife had a lesbian experience during overnight stays as a young teenager with her girlfriend, who was 2+ years older. There were two episodes, about 2 weeks apart and neither resulted in an O for my wife, but did the second time for the other girl. It was primarily exploratory and happens often with young people of both genders, who are dealing with hormones 

I think my wife has been candid about these events which happened over 45 years ago and there has never been any indication since of her having an "interest" in another woman.

I am very comfortable with her sexual history.

JCD
I like that term "LUG", never heard it before.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Caribvistors said:


> SimplyA
> 
> JCD
> I like that term "LUG", never heard it before.


From what I understand, it was invented in all girl schools for whatever reason.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

cyclone said:


> I'm in a new relationship with a 35 year old woman and she had one lesbian experience ten years ago. I know for some guys this is hot *but not for me.* Should I be concerned about this at all?


cyclone;

You are getting a lot of good advice, which basically says, no, it shouldn't be of concern to you, but if it does, do some introspection about yourself and why this troubles you?

The one thing not discussed so far is your statement, "...for some guys this is hot but not for me..." How, "not hot" is is to you? Some people might be absolutely horrified others migh be no big deal. 

My suggestion is that you talk to this woman, you seem to want to have a serious relationship with. Ask her about her hopes for the future. Ask her about what she considers to be an ideal relationship that she wants to be in in 10 years. Ask her about her best sexual experiences. Then listen very carefully and ask a few non-judgemental questions so you really understand.

Good luck.


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## Monty4321 (Jul 15, 2011)

You should be very concerned. Should you leave her? - that's up to you. But I've read so many times how women had those desires pop back up at a later age and went for it again. Good luck.

But at the same time, it's all about being faithful. It depends how she thinks about it. If she doesn't think cheating with another woman is as bad as cheating with the opposite sex, then you should be worried.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

cyclone said:


> I'm in a new relationship with a 35 year old woman and she had one lesbian experience ten years ago. I know for some guys this is hot but not for me. Should I be concerned about this at all?


It was not a relationship? This was sex one time with another woman? Like a one night stand?

If she had a ONS with a man, is that a deal breaker for you?

How long have the two of you been dating?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

It doesn't matter if it was one time and she didn't like it or 300 times and she really liked it. The question for you both to answer is can she be faithful to you, can she be happy with just you, are you okay with her PAST?

Past, as in not present, as in not future. Past.

What are your specific concerns and fears?

Are you afraid you may not be able to please her? Do you feel inadequate because she had this experience that you can't possibly duplicate? Are you concerned she will think about other women from time to time? Are you concerned that you may have to guard against other men and other women?

Identify what exactly it is that concerns you and talk to her about it.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening all
A lesbian experience in my wife's past wouldn't bother me at all. 
In fact the the concept is so, well, arousing, that I wouldn't object if she had one now....

I would be unhappy if she had an affair with another man - I wouldn't leave but it would bother me. Somehow another woman wouldn't bother me at all.


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## Maria Canosa Gargano (Jan 30, 2015)

The OP has been getting good advice all around. 

I also want to add a bit that women may not be the more sexually exploratory of the two. Lesbian experiences are promoted more in our culture than male gay experiences. 

However there is evidence that women are actually more visually oriented. Such as a man will be turned on by seeing sexual acts tuned into his orientation (gay/straight/bi) while a woman will be turned on by any sexual acts including between animals. This doesn't mean that she wants to have sex with the subjects shown, but that the visual aid of any sexual act has a responsive reaction to her. This could be a possible support to the idea that woman may be more sexually experimental but it is not conclusive evidence.

We have to look at variables for why we may not have all the information. IMO the information about male and female homosexual encounters is biased with men being more pressured to be silent or not engage in those acts to begin with as male homosexuality has always had a more violent reaction to it in Western culture. So a man may not report his homosexual activity or not even engage in it even if he does have the urges while a woman might.

I know, I know, not that important but while I hated doing research in my old job, it's hard to turn off research mode


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