# Separation from Spouse Help!



## Me in CLE (Jun 26, 2020)

So 14 years in. We have a 6 and 8 year old. My wife is a generally anxious agitated and angry person. I am the whimsical one. I’m at my breaking point on how she treats myself and the kids. Pre covid 19, she was constantly yelling at the kids because they weren’t getting dressed fast enough. Just all out losing her cool seemingly every day over something. Her response has always been “now you’ve ruined my day” kind of person. Covid 19 has really ramped things up and I totally understand and try to be patient but I feel her behavior is significantly affecting especially my 8 year old son and it kills me to see it. When confronted, it’s pushed back at me like how dare I. I could go on and on but don’t want to write a novel given this is my first post. Our marriage has never been healthy and our view of the world is completely opposite. I just can’t handle her actions anymore. This is environmental. She grew up in a house where her parents were fighting constantly screaming at each other. Driving cars over lawns and stuff like that. Her sister does the same in her house and it’s happening here and I can’t stop it. I know my kids and I deserve better. I’ve tried to help but she gets angry when I approach the situation and I just can’t handle anymore. Brought up the possibility of separation and again, how dare I. I’ve suggested counseling for us. She knows our son is having troubles but won’t agree to having him seen (she thinks he’ll be labeled but i think he and a counselor will figure otherwise). I’m doing what I can but deep down, I know this is not the life I or my kids should be living. Crazy part is she sees it as normal. I’m literally at a point that I feel the need to separate just so my kids can ultimately have time away to understand that it is not ok to be treated the way they are.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Right now, similar to your wife's upbringing, your children are learning that this is normal. Chances are that they will repeat the pattern simply because it's all they know. For their sake, you would be wise to separate and divorce. If your wife were willing to get into therapy, maybe get into some medications, etc. then that'd be a different story... but she's not. 

I would stop bringing up separation. Get your ducks in a row, then tell her when you are actually leaving. There is no point increasing the hostility by bringing it up, most likely as a threat (that you never follow through with and she knows that). 

Consult a lawyer or two, second opinions are always good, to see where you stand. It doesn't mean you have decided to divorce, just that you are looking into your options so that you can be prepared.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

You should also keep a VERY detailed log/journal of events, interactions with the kids, etc. to establish a pattern. If it comes up in court (an attorney will know what's allowed), having that would be to your benefit so that it's not he said, she said. You'd have actual dates and entries.

If she is ever physically abusive or tries the "I'll kill myself" garbage, call the police. Establish a paper trail of her being wacky (if she is).

You may also want to get a VAR (voice activated recorder) - again, consult an attorney - in case she tries to say that YOU beat her, the kids, etc. You'd keep it on you at all times.


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## Me in CLE (Jun 26, 2020)

Very sound advice. Much appreciated and I will follow your advice. Thank You!


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## FamilyMan216 (Apr 1, 2020)

Me in CLE said:


> So 14 years in. We have a 6 and 8 year old. My wife is a generally anxious agitated and angry person. I am the whimsical one. I’m at my breaking point on how she treats myself and the kids. Pre covid 19, she was constantly yelling at the kids because they weren’t getting dressed fast enough. Just all out losing her cool seemingly every day over something. Her response has always been “now you’ve ruined my day” kind of person. Covid 19 has really ramped things up and I totally understand and try to be patient but I feel her behavior is significantly affecting especially my 8 year old son and it kills me to see it. When confronted, it’s pushed back at me like how dare I. I could go on and on but don’t want to write a novel given this is my first post. Our marriage has never been healthy and our view of the world is completely opposite. I just can’t handle her actions anymore. This is environmental. She grew up in a house where her parents were fighting constantly screaming at each other. Driving cars over lawns and stuff like that. Her sister does the same in her house and it’s happening here and I can’t stop it. I know my kids and I deserve better. I’ve tried to help but she gets angry when I approach the situation and I just can’t handle anymore. Brought up the possibility of separation and again, how dare I. I’ve suggested counseling for us. She knows our son is having troubles but won’t agree to having him seen (she thinks he’ll be labeled but i think he and a counselor will figure otherwise). I’m doing what I can but deep down, I know this is not the life I or my kids should be living. Crazy part is she sees it as normal. I’m literally at a point that I feel the need to separate just so my kids can ultimately have time away to understand that it is not ok to be treated the way they are.


I feel your pain. I'm going through the same BS! My wife refuses to admit that she has an issue, even though she has been diagnosed with depression, but refuses to take medication. All problems are everyone else's fault...never her behavior


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Your children will learn to repeat that life.

Get out now. Don’t wait. Get out while they are still young. It might not be too late.
With that said....be prepared that courts favor women for custody so be very prepared!!


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## Me in CLE (Jun 26, 2020)

Mr.Married said:


> Your children will learn to repeat that life.
> 
> Get out now. Don’t wait. Get out while they are still young. It might not be too late.
> With that said....be prepared that courts favor women for custody so be very prepared!!


Thank You. I know that from the bottom of my heart which is what’s making this situation a no win. At least with a broken family, they can spend half their time knowing that is not ok. What about the rest though geez. She grew up with all girls. They are all the same. As said, it will repeat itself. God forbid my son develops those behaviors and treats women in the same manner. That will not happen!


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## Me in CLE (Jun 26, 2020)

Mr.Married said:


> Your children will learn to repeat that life.
> 
> Get out now. Don’t wait. Get out while they are still young. It might not be too late.
> With that said....be prepared that courts favor women for custody so be very prepared!!


Thanks. I know that is what needs to happen. Really struggling with the whole devil you know or the devil you don’t. I pray that the thought of my children will give me the strength.


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## FamilyMan216 (Apr 1, 2020)

Me in CLE said:


> Thanks. I know that is what needs to happen. Really struggling with the whole devil you know or the devil you don’t. I pray that the thought of my children will give me the strength.


I 100% agree, it's a hard choice between knowing what's right and holding out knowing people can change


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

FamilyMan216 said:


> I 100% agree, it's a hard choice between knowing what's right and holding out knowing people can change


FM, people usually don't change. Very seldom in the human condition do people change. This thought that you have is what keeps you in your horrible situation. 

If OP does not realize the truth, he will continue to be stuck in a horrible situation. 

People rarely, really change. And we cannot change them...


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## FamilyMan216 (Apr 1, 2020)

OP, behavioral change is an action. It's not that it can't be done, it's whether they choose to through motivation and effort. I am of the belief that you explore all options before giving up. Advice is subjective and you ultimately will do what's best for you and your situation


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

FamilyMan216 said:


> OP, behavioral change is an action. It's not that it can't be done, it's whether they choose to through motivation and effort. I am of the belief that you explore all options before giving up. Advice is subjective and you ultimately will do what's best for you and your situation


Once you spend some more time on this site, listening to people in unhappy, unworkable relationships and marriages, you will see that even after "all options" are explored, almost no one chooses the action of changing fundamentally and permanently for a spouse or marriage. Some spouses will TRY, but it rarely is real.

And any change that does happen is usually motivated by the risk of losing their spouse or marriage - so I definitely believe the OP needs to stop wasting time hoping for change, and to be the agent of it...by LEAVING his toxic relationship!


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

LisaDiane said:


> Once you spend some more time on this site, listening to people in unhappy, unworkable relationships and marriages, you will see that even after "all options" are explored, almost no one chooses the action of changing fundamentally and permanently for a spouse or marriage. Some spouses will TRY, but it rarely is real.
> 
> And any change that does happen is usually motivated by the risk of losing their spouse or marriage - so I definitely believe the OP needs to stop wasting time hoping for change, and to be the agent of it...by LEAVING his toxic relationship!


Thanks for this one... I was just tired or arguing with people...

This is totally correct and well put.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

LisaDiane said:


> Once you spend some more time on this site, listening to people in unhappy, unworkable relationships and marriages, you will see that even after "all options" are explored, almost no one chooses the action of changing fundamentally and permanently for a spouse or marriage. Some spouses will TRY, but it rarely is real.
> 
> And any change that does happen is usually motivated by the risk of losing their spouse or marriage - so I definitely believe the OP needs to stop wasting time hoping for change, and to be the agent of it...by LEAVING his toxic relationship!


ALL OF THIS^^^

And she's clearly refusing to acknowledge that her behavior is a problem, or that there is even any problem at all. That means that there is literally nothing you can do to solve this situation, because saving a marriage requires both parties to be committed to and active in the fixing... and she isn't. 

OP, you mentioned in your initial post that you suggested separation, and her response was to say, "How dare you mention separation!"

This may not have occurred to you, but you don't need her permission to separate from her. You have free will, and if you want to end this marriage, you can do that without her approval. Consult a lawyer and see what your options are, and take the kids if you can.

Sent from my SM-G981U using Tapatalk


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Me in CLE we hear you and we are here for you. You can vent here, plus we'll be your sounding board.


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