# seperated.... need some help



## Kaine (Jul 23, 2008)

hi every body i am new to the forums..
and seeking advice me and wife have seperated for aweek now and i don't know what she wants i know i want to work things out but dont know if she does or not.

we have been married 7years and we hae 2 kids ( 6year old twins ) the problem was i had an addiction to porn and i felt i had to lie about for some resone. and am getting help for this and we are seeing a counseler sepretly for now to try work out are problems i have been honest and truthful abuot every thing esle and only wish i could have come to terms sooner but i couldn't and know here i am...

i know that she has lost all her trust in me and i feel ashamed for what i have done.. 

we are still talking and kinda seeing each other here and there but when i ask her if she wants to work things out all she can say is, I dont know.. 

are marriage has been throuht so much and it has not been easy about 3 1/2 years ago she had an affair and i was devistated by it and i think the only resone it work't out then is because she came to me and started crying and told me about it. and know i was online checking my e-mail and i started looking throuht her e-mail and found that she had sent a picture of her self nude to a guy that we both know..
i never realy thouht of him as a friend but she did.
but after finding it blowup and walk't out.
i am staying with my mother right now and i can't staind it.. i want to be over there working on are marriage but she is unwilling right now.:scratchhead:

i just don't know what to do with myself while she thinks about what she wants in life.. and im lost i dont know what to and am needing some addvice any thing would probly be helpful.


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## Kaine (Jul 23, 2008)

ok i now know that she doe still love me and wants to work things out she called me aminute ago and invited me over for dinner.. 7/23/2008

know nobody has posted to my topic but after reading throuht the rest of the forums i can tell that there are alot of careing peaple that are on here alot and all the things that have been posted and all the life stories ive read since i signed up yesterday i know i will be a member for life and will keep updateing my storie so that maybe it will give others hope in there time of need. like so many of the other stories gave me.

one thing i would recommend to anybody is a book called ( his needs her needs ) it help't me better under staind what she was needing from me and i past it on to her she started reading it 3 days ago.. 

I am from a broken home my dad left when i was 14 leaveing my mom with all the bills and 3 kids to support so when i turned 15 i tested out of school and started working fulltime and have been working fulltime ever since with my current job i have been working up to 100hours a week so that did not leave hardly any time for my family or freinds and i lost site of what was inportant to me and was on the brink of looseing everything because of an addiction and the fact that i am a workaholic.. but right now i am looking for a job that leaves me more time for my family so i can show her how much i care and that is nothing in this world that could replace her in my life..
so i will post anything that will mite help others under staind.
that giving up is a choice and i made the choice not to give up and try harder by calling her just to talk and trying to talk about what on her mind and mine. 
i now no that the hole cause of are problems was communication and that honesty is allways the best way.
i called her yesterday and w met at a park so we could talk and we did i sat there with her and told her every thing i had ever done ( she allreddy knew but i was not honest with her about it when it happend ) to her and the girlfriends before her and ask her to help me with my addiction and she was willing to help. she said that she was not mad at me for looking at porn she was mad because i lied about it and she does not see a problem with looking at porn but i still feel that for somee peaple it a sickness and i am one of those peaple. when i was looking at porn it did make me happy or feel good I felt ashamed and used for some resone. i ask her to help me and that's all I think i need is her support.
and about her affair (it was a one night staind while i was out of town for work )i know now that it can make a marriage stronger.. but have to talk about it and let her/him know how you feel without yelling or anything like that. when she told me i left the house and drove around for afew hours and thouht about it and when't home and she was not there she had gone to mothers house and was to ashamed to speak to me so i left her a letter and she called me an hour after i left and i have not left her side since that day untill now.
but you can not dwell on things in the past. and her having the abbility to come to me and tell me that. made me admire her honesty and my love for her grow even stronger we where only apart for 3days then and i have learned to fully trust her again and hope that she will be able to fully trust me in the future but i know it will take time. and I am going to have to stay strong and show her i can change..
and i want to move back home but she said she is not reddy for that yet but hopefully in time she will be

and any advice is welcome and i thank you for the help in advance.
these forums are full of other peaple that are haveing maital problems and i did not think that was hope for me untill i started reading.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Hi Kaine,

Another good book, if you're interested, is the 5 love languages by Chapman. I'm glad you stumbled upon this forum and plan to stick around.

From your latest post, it sounds as though you and your wife both have the right mindset to work on rebuilding your marriage, honesty and open communication will go miles for you both as you both seem to be very loving and forgiving towards one another.

There are many relationships where one or both spouses view porn and it's a non-issue, so opinions out there are varied, but I would definitely say stopping with your wife's help is a great idea in your case since you feel it's gotten out of control. You might want to consider professional help, as it's easy to replace one compulsive thing with another when you try to stop cold turkey. Maybe come up with a positive thing to do whenever you get tempted.

My best to you both.


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## Kaine (Jul 23, 2008)

I've started reading the 5 love languages and it is helping me cope with all of this..
the dinner whent good but she still whont tell me if she realy wants to work things out she says she is scared and she does not want to get hurt again... 

and i dont no what to do I love her more than anything and she is unsure should i just give her time to her self or sould i keep trying to see her? i don't know what to do..

I want to see her every day but i dont think she feels the same way and she whount say anything to me all she keeps telling me is that she is unsure or shes scared.. any thoughts or advice would be nice cause im at a lose..

can't remeber where i read this but it a part of a very powerfull poem....
to live without hurt is to live without love
and the ones you love the most will hurt 
you the worse.
if i can find the rest i will post itfor everybody to read.

I feel she wants to and dont know why she whount say anything..
I know i want to work thing and her not saying any thing is eating me from the inside out and i think that even if her answer was no it would be easyer to handle than not knowing at all even thought i dont want that to be her answer i dont know how else to show her how i feel and dont know where to start unless she will talk to me about her feelings and what she needs but i think she is lost and does not know who she is anymore. or maybe the thought of a single life is to much for her to resist and i think she thinks it will be easy but she does not under staind how much i give up to give her what she has..?


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## jon61575 (Jul 29, 2008)

I feel the same way as you. My wife and I have been separated for about 2 months. I know our marriage can work again, but I can't get an answer from her. She says she still loves me but won't talk to me about it.

I want to call her all the time, I want see her again. I get mixed signals from her and she won't answer my questions straight.

Should I still pursue it or just give her room? I feel like if I don't keep pursuing our relationship that she will think I don't care anymore.


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## Kaine (Jul 23, 2008)

that for the refuring that book i amd reading it right know and it is a good book. 
jon i'm sorry to here about your your marriage as well it seems like we are in the bout here because what you just said there is the same as what i have been trying to do with my wife and one day she would be happy i called, and the next im invaiding her space if i do so i am doing other things to keep my mind bizzy while i what for her to call. and i know we can work out are problems but she thinks that its hopeless i guess and she wount even talk about it with me she has been passing thing's throught her mom to tell me but i dont listen to her anyway cause she blows things way out of proportion's.
and half the time she makes anything sound 10times worse than it is.

for instence i told her that i was going the kids school cloth's but would have to do it a little at a time..
she told my wife that i said i would not by then any school cloth's and she was on her own for that...
but anyway.

all im doing right now is paying what bills i have to keep a roof over there heads.. and now my wife had to go find a job for the first time since we where dating and she does not like it.
but asfar as i am concerned if she want's to see whats its like to be a single mom she will see... all im paying is the rent,electric,and water witch is about 1000.00 a month but she has to come up with the money to pay the rest of the bills. car payment,the payment on are furniture,insurence,gas,ect..... witch is about 1200.oo dollors a month and i think she is going to go try and turn in the car but if she does im going to get it. 

but other that what im doing i dont know what else to do..... i still love her more than anything and dont want it to end but if she is not willing to even talk to me or work with me at all then the only thing i can do is let her go and hope that she will come back when she is reddy..


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

i see that you guys have taken to reading to get your relationships back on track. i swear to God do yourselves a favor and try ten days to selk esteem by burns or win your wife back by gary smalley. honor your spouse, do what we used to call "the little things" (avoid "love busters" and adhere to the "basic concepts" forwarded by dr. harley. in fact marriagebuilders.com is a pretty good resource, as is mort fertel's work. don't flail around trying to do the right things, check this stuff out. and God bless.


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## Kaine (Jul 23, 2008)

ok well as it turns out she is with my cusion now and was just useing me to pay her bills.. i did go back home for 2 weeks just to dicover that she is having an affair with my cusion and 1 other guy that i dont know.. 

so i have whent and filed yesterday and there school counsler called me at my atterneys office and let me know that the school had contacted CPS.

so i feel that its going get realy ugly realy fast..
so please if any of you have any words of wisdom or advice feal free e-mail or PM me.
i know that im going to need alot of support to get through this and i dont even know what to exspect from her now..
so keep me and my kids in your prayers and let god lead me through it..,


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## Honey (Sep 2, 2008)

Drop that porn, the real deal is much better and worth more.


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## Honey (Sep 2, 2008)

Kaine said:


> ok well as it turns out she is with my cusion now and was just useing me to pay her bills.. i did go back home for 2 weeks just to dicover that she is having an affair with my cusion and 1 other guy that i dont know..
> 
> so i have whent and filed yesterday and there school counsler called me at my atterneys office and let me know that the school had contacted CPS.
> 
> ...



Things will get better for you.. believe it and it will be so.


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## Kaine (Jul 23, 2008)

ive been seeing a counsler for my porn issue for 21months and have not lookt at any porn for 19.
so im doing good about staying away from it and have just about got it out off my life for good..
but my wife doesnt under staind that and she thinks that i have been looking at and then she tryed to get to look at it with her.. and she got mad cause i wouldnt do it.
so i dont know what to make of what she is doing she says she doesnt care if i look at porn but it hurts me to look at it.
and when i am doing good and staying away from it she trys to get to look at it and gets mad if i do even with her there...


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