# why is life so confusing?



## jamier627 (Nov 12, 2012)

Hi, 

I am not sure if I am looking for advice or anything, but maybe some moral support and hearing that people have been in my shoes before and ended up OK. Maybe a little advice wouldn't hurt. I don't feel like there are many people I can talk to about this. This is super long, but I think just typing it out was therapeutic even if nobody reads it all!

I posted some in the general relationship discussion board between November and January. My brief back story:
I got married June 16th 2012. XH told me in early November he was unhappy. He drank and stayed out until 3-4 in the morning on work nights for me (I teach so I get up early) and so I moved out the week of Thanksgiving. I figured I'd be back in a week or two once he apologized and fixed the behavior. I was wrong, and after weekly counseling, and us talking frequently for 3 months, he asked for a divorce. I knew it was coming before he did it. It was not a surprise. 

So, the reason I am posting..... On New Years Eve I went to my good friend Ashlea's small party. I only knew her and her husband. There were a few other people there. This guy named Austin hit on me. He was kind of cute but I was mostly just sad that my husband wasn't at the party with me so I didn't pay any attention to him. 

In February Austin "friended" me on facebook. Ashlea and her husband encouraged me to post on his "wall" so I did. At this point I was still fighting hard for my marriage. Anyway, he and I talked daily on the chat feature of facebook for about a week and he invited me to dinner to celebrate his birthday with the same group of people from the New Years party. I went with Ashlea and her husband, rode there together with them and back to a different friend's house after that. 

By this day of the party I was pretty sure that when I saw XH the next day, he would be asking for a divorce. Austin was drunk and so was I. He was hitting on me again, and I was being very forward and open with him. I told him I was still married and wanted it to work with my husband. I told Austin that I was probably going to be asked for a divorce the next day when XH and I met up. I told Austin that if that happened, I'd like to hook up but keep things casual. I told him I wanted to be single for all of 2013. He asked me multiple times to spend the night with him instead of going to Ashlea's house. I considered it for a few minutes, but in the end, I didn't know FOR SURE that XH would be asking for the divorce, and I didn't want to jeopardize anything with him if it could be salvaged. Austin asked for a birthday kiss as I left, and I leaned in and then dodged to the side and gave him a peck on the cheek. He stated that wasn't what he meant, and I told him I knew what he meant and that I'd talk to him the next day. 

He texted me Saturday and we talked a little. Then Saturday night XH asked for the divorce. I talked to both Austin and Ashlea that night but didn't end up going anywhere. Ashlea planned a party at her house for the next weekend with the same group of people. I was nervous. I knew what I wanted and that was the "get over XH sex" and Austin knew it as well. Austin and I proceeded to drink tequila shots and have fun. We got a minute alone and he asked for a re-do of his birthday kiss. Of course, we did it right that time. It felt really nice. I hadn't french kissed XH since the first month he and I had been dating (back in 2004) because XH didn't like it. We went to bed and Austin reminded me that this was up to me, whatever I wanted to do we could do, and I just had to tell him to stop if I didn't want to. We talked and then had sex and cuddled all night. I forgot how nice it felt to be in someone's arms. 

I woke up with a major hangover (all those tequila shots!) and he was super sweet. He brought me gatorade and crackers in bed, rubbed my back, cuddled with me and napped with me. That's when I realized I liked him for more than just hooking up occasionally. He told me he didn't want to leave, he wanted to lay in bed with me all day. He told me he was heading to Vegas with a few of the same group of people the next day and he was going to come home the next Sunday but wanted to change his flight to Friday. 

When he was in Vegas he texted me daily, and then he said he was coming home on Friday instead of Sunday and wanted to see me again and asked if I'd come over to his house (it's just under an hour from where I was living). I wanted more sex... so I did. And we've been hanging out every weekend since then (beginning of March). Sometimes during the week as well, when I'm on summer break or spring break and he was off work. We talk daily. We hang out as often as we can, we cook together, go grocery shopping, go on walks, go out to dinner with our married couple friends, watch movies, all sorts of things that dating couples do. He tells me how much he likes me and that I'm beautiful. He cuddles with me, and he kisses me every time we first see each other and every time we part ways. He is my boyfriend in all ways except the label. We talked about "us" in late May, and we decided to keep doing what we're doing (with no label) until August and then re-evaluate. He said he wasn't sleeping with anyone else. He tells people who call him when I'm over that he's with "his girl." 

I guess I'm just worried that I screwed myself when I told him I wanted to be single for all of 2013, before I liked him this much. I insinuated in February that all I wanted was a friends with benefits type situation, and although he acts like way more, I don't know if he wants more. 

I'm at the point where I am feeling love towards him. I want to tell him that I love him. At this point I think I can go either way though. I can tell him I love him and we can be "together" with or without the label. Or I can fight the feeling, and pull back and remain friends with him. I don't think I'd be extremely HEARTBROKEN at that, but I don't want to get any more attached than I already am. 

We're going to the beach next week with some friends. I am trying to decide if I should talk to him tonight (not about the I love you stuff, but about what he wants from this) when I see him, or wait until we're done being at the beach.

What do you all think? Anyone been in this situation? Thanks!


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Have you had a lot of time to talk and get to know him as a PERSON? Do you have a lot of things outside the bedroom in common?

I've been on the other end of this with someone who eventually found out they had dated too soon and weren't really ready to fall in love (and therefore it wasn't going to happen for him).

If I were you I'd pull back a bit. It is very soon - you met him when you were in a very needy place and set the rules which you now want to change. That's not to say it won't work out in the long run, I just wonder if you are still wearing the rose-colored glasses. 

I remember the first major relationship after my separation and how it was nice he was so different from the ex in many ways. I overlooked that he was emotionally distant and sort of put him on a pedestal briefly. He DID fill a need - emotional and physical - at the time so it wasn't all wrong; it just wasn't all right.

I'd try to stay a little more objective, focus on getting to know more about him while maintaining a bit of emotional distance. He is good with the status quo and sounds like you aren't. I'd keep the status quo for right now since you're still healing. Maybe you can evolve to more at the same time.

I wish you joy and love and I'm glad that you have found someone who at least gives you what you need after your divorce! (Not kissing! That's crazy - I met someone like that, too and even tho we're perfectly suited in so many ways I just can't past that! Gotta have passion!)


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