# Here for help and advice



## Michelle27 (Nov 8, 2010)

My husband has had a diagnosis of depression for over 2.5 years, but it was triggered 2 years earlier than that over some bad news about his son from his first marriage. He is being treated by meds, and finally recently started counseling, but it's not getting better. He is so full of rage and bitterness at everyone he perceives as having done something against him, especially me. I am also full of resentments and it's making it hard to move forward as we both see the other as "against" us. 

I guess without making this a crazy long message, I'm just looking for hope that we CAN get past this.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

How long has he been in counselling? If he's only been to a few sessions, it may still be in the 'get to know you' stage where more listening is happening than actually trying to work on the issues.


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## Michelle27 (Nov 8, 2010)

Not long. Our plans through work are for short term counseling, so they don't intend for it to go on long. That said, he also comes home and says the counselor is telling him he's doing well. I do know for sure that he minimizes his own feelings and actions, so I know that's part of it. I have asked for him to see a psychiatrist but so far, no go. 

While he has a diagnosis of depression, I have recently begun researching Borderline Personality Disorder and am suspecting that may be what's going on. He's not thrilled with my research as he believes it's simply me and what I do/don't do that is the problem.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

What is he saying that you are doing/not doing that bothers him?


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## Michelle27 (Nov 8, 2010)

It changes all the time. I liken it to a soccer game in which the goalposts get moved randomly. He'll have one "blow up" and insist that all will be better if I call him twice a week when he's out of town. So I start doing that. The next blow up, he'll say he now wants his lunches done a certain way and all will be good. There have been over 50 of these "blowups" over the years so you can imagine what the load on me has been like. Meanwhile, my only expectation of him is bath our daughter when he's home (50% of the time) and take out the garbage. Both of those he does less than half of the time. Yet, his expectations of me and my teenage daughter are of perfection. He asks once, and there should be compliance.

An example of another of his anger outbursts is one day when he totally lost it over where we were to put the bags of garbage in the garage. I stood there several times and asked him to please show me the exact spot where he wanted it. That wasn't good enough. I was putting it a few inches from the spot and he saw it as me not caring about him. But offering to "fix" it wasn't enough...he kept on me about that for 12 hours, literally. It's like a dog with a bone...he won't let go or even take a step back until usually days later.

We're at the point now where he sees everyone around him as against him. When I ask what it is he wants, he can't even articulate it...he'll say, "I've tried to tell you" and imply that I obviously don't listen and don't care, when he never has clarified it. 

The more I read about the perspectives of those with BPD and others' experiences with family members suffering from it, it makes so much sense. His background fits, and he has more than the minimum of symptoms/history that is needed to confirm it, according to what I read. No, I'm not a psychiatrist, but I am pretty intelligent and I have done a lot of research.


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