# If divorce prevails, is it true entire marriage mistake, that you never really loved?



## mentallydrained (Oct 7, 2010)

It's been said "if this marriage fails, then you need to just admit you made a mistake and move on."

So, all things in life that don't turn out how we hoped, planned, are nothing but mistakes? 

It's been said "It hurts to know you may have never really loved me all these years since you have out grown me."

So out of the millions of divorces in America, not a single person actually loved the other during this time? Am I to believe if you really love someone, you would never leave them no matter what? Does this mean in 18yrs of being with my H, 12 married, I never once loved him? It was an 18yr mistake?

I'm very confused with this analysis. Feeling more and more like a failure each passing day. Holiday's blues are wearing me down quick and I need to shine for my daughter. She needs me especially since her dad won't be here for Christmas. Again...per him, my doing. (long story)


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## sadmel (Dec 3, 2010)

No no no! Don't think like that...that is not true! Who ever said Love is this constant, never changing thing! There is no answer to that...only each, individual situation! 

I am sure you loved your husband in some way, or you would have never married him, had kids, etc. 

I am in the same boat as you...married for 17 years and contemplating separation/divorce. Of course I loved my husband and we have so many wonderful memories together. But that is not to say that with time, experiences, people maturing, changing, etc. - people change and maybe some grow apart or realize that their love has also changed. Sometimes for the better, sometimes not. Love can deepen...Love can soften. You just never know. 

And depends on the person, the couple. Some can work and work and work and give it all they've got and "find" each other again or fall back in love. Some can't do that, depending on each individual and what they have experienced, internalized in the marriage. Do you know what I mean?

I'm sorry you feel like this...I do, too. You are not alone. 

It is good we can share with each other thru this forum. Thank god for that!


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

Well first off....I think a lot of things have "been said" over time. You could find something that's "been said" to add or detract from just about any statement, feeling or mood you've got, really.

But with those statements, I think you're just grabbing onto something to feed your slump....



> It's been said "if this marriage fails, then you need to just admit you made a mistake and move on."


Of course no relationship is entirely a mistake (usually)...but it is generally beneficial to acknowledge that when you've done the best you can and things just aren't going to work out, then yes....learn from the mistakes that happened and move on. That doesn't make every moment you were with this other person a mistaken waste of oxygen, but clearly, since it didn't work out, find the lesson, move on and do better next time.



> It's been said "It hurts to know you may have never really loved me all these years since you have out grown me."


We all outgrow other people, even those that we loved deeply and sincerely at the time. Are you still BFF's with your first grade bestie? Some people might be, but it's not that typical, you just grow apart and that happens. 

I suspect that the person who's "been saying" all these things probably has a significant stake in making you feel like crap--so perhaps a more uplifting source for "analysis" should be found?

It's also been said that "when one door closes, another one opens."

It's also been said that "the best is yet to come...."

See?? They've said something about everything....just pick the best to pay attention to!


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## mentallydrained (Oct 7, 2010)

sadmel said:


> No no no! Don't think like that...that is not true! Who ever said Love is this constant, never changing thing! There is no answer to that...only each, individual situation!
> 
> I am sure you loved your husband in some way, or you would have never married him, had kids, etc.
> 
> ...


Yes, Thank god for this place! Thank you, sadmel. I know what you mean. Just hurts to hear those words as our marriage was not a loveless marriage the whole time. The things we did share and have, are very meaningful so for him to think for a minute I never loved him, or he was a mistake, cuts pretty deep for me. Some what adds more resentment and I don't want to end that way.


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## mentallydrained (Oct 7, 2010)

COGypsy


> I suspect that the person who's "been saying" all these things probably has a significant stake in making you feel like crap--so perhaps a more uplifting source for "analysis" should be found?


Unfortunately, yes it is. I know we are conditioned that when we hurt to hurt back I guess. And your right, I've heard the same when one door closes, another opens. I've been 'conditioned' or made to feel rather, like I'm not deserving of that because it is my doing. He knows I hurt too, but finds just the right words to add salt (rock salt) to the wound. I feel to point of I take full blame, call me what you want, view me how you wish, say what ever you want on how you 
view how you think I feel, so I can find my happiness within and live and enjoy the moment for a change. Instead of living through everyone else and creating their moments and not my own. Selfish I guess. But, sadly, I feel it's time for me to be selfish before it's too late and I truly look back and regret my entire life. I regret my school days, yet I did love what was one of the best days in my life...my wedding day. And I truly regret, hurting anyone by changing, growing apart. I should have listened when he said he didn't want to get married, didn't want kids...I should have stayed away instead of keep going after him and not letting up that marriage wouldn't change us. That is guilt I will take to my grave.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

> I feel to point of I take full blame, call me what you want, view me how you wish, say what ever you want on how you
> view how you think I feel, so I can find my happiness within and live and enjoy the moment for a change. Instead of living through everyone else and creating their moments and not my own. Selfish I guess. But, sadly, I feel it's time for me to be selfish before it's too late and I truly look back and regret my entire life.


You're actually on the totally right track here....you don't have any control over what he thinks. None. He's a grown-up who's dealing with whatever is going on in his head. It's not your job to convince him or change his mind....he (and everyone else in the whole entire world, actually) is going to think what he needs and wants to think. You can't do anything about it, except to decide to what extent you're going to let yourself be controlled by it. That has to be a conscious decision though. And it's a selfish one, but that's not always a bad thing. 

Think of it like a house. If your house is going to do what it needs to, provide shelter, warmth and become a home, etc. then it has to have strong walls and good fences to keep out the bad and nurture the good. You have to be like that too, make your boundaries strong so that you can be strong for your kids.



> I should have listened when he said he didn't want to get married, didn't want kids...I should have stayed away instead of keep going after him and not letting up that marriage wouldn't change us. That is guilt I will take to my grave.


Part of this is the infamous 20/20 hindsight....sure. It's really hard to reconcile wanting/not wanting those things. HOWEVER, ultimately, he stood up there and said "I do" all by himself. I'm guessing that no firearms, large quantities of rope or cattle prods were involved in your ceremony, right? When it came right down to it, you both made your choices at that moment regardless of what kind of wheedling had gone on before.

It's like I said before, obviously when things end, mistakes were made along the way. But by both parties. Both people were there and so both are accountable and it's just wallowing and crazymaking to sit around mulling about how one person "made" it all happen. That's a whole lot of power to credit yourself with, when you think about it....


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