# Do I forgive him?



## Louisex (Dec 9, 2020)

Hey so a few months ago I found out my boyfriend and the father of my baby was messaging his ex behind my back nothing flirty as she’s in a new relationship herself also they were together when they were teens for a few years now they are both adults with babies on the way, I found the messages looked through them and instantly got mad, firstly because he just didn’t tell me and that’s very disrespectful and secondly he was talking about my pregnancy and our daughter to her and thirdly he was making comments like how beautiful and great she is and he’s glad she’s happy, he is a friendly guy so he said he was just being friendly they did stay friends it was nothing to worry about, he told her on the day I gave birth to our daughter that she was born which is extremely weird and unessary because she would of found out through social media, I forgave him for the sake of our daughter and I do really love him he’s always been so good to me throughout our relationship we were only together for a month before we found out we were expecting and I was hard work in the beginning but this still doesn’t make it okay? I’m trying so hard to move on and forget about it for the sake of our little family but I’m struggling as I keep seeing stuff about how it’s cheating and disrespectful and they wouldn’t forgive their man if they did this. I just don’t know what to do.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

Did he have that type of relationship with her before you guys started dating? Meaning, did they sometimes message each other to say hello and catch each other up on their lives? If yes and the messages you saw were nothing but that, I think it's not really fair to condemn him for continuing a friendship he had before you guys got together. 

I am friendly with one of my exes. We message now and again, maybe a phone call. We also dated right out of high school. For some people that just morphs into a nice friendship over the years. I'm not about to leave my boyfriend for him. 

Do you have any male friends that you ever talk to? How does your boyfriend feel about it? Do you tell your boyfriend? I think you guys have not been together very long and now you're parents...that's going to create some difficulties. You didn't have time to work these kinds of expectations into your relationship before things got intense. Work them out now if you want to stay together.


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## Louisex (Dec 9, 2020)

notmyjamie said:


> Did he have that type of relationship with her before you guys started dating? Meaning, did they sometimes message each other to say hello and catch each other up on their lives? If yes and the messages you saw were nothing but that, I think it's not really fair to condemn him for continuing a friendship he had before you guys got together.
> 
> I am friendly with one of my exes. We message now and again, maybe a phone call. We also dated right out of high school. For some people that just morphs into a nice friendship over the years. I'm not about to leave my boyfriend for him.
> 
> Do you have any male friends that you ever talk to? How does your boyfriend feel about it? Do you tell your boyfriend? I think you guys have not been together very long and now you're parents...that's going to create some difficulties. You didn't have time to work these kinds of expectations into your relationship before things got intense. Work them out now if you want to stay together.


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## Louisex (Dec 9, 2020)

He said they always remained friends as they were together for 4 years when they were younger but no never seen them talk before I know his family likes a few of her things on social media but he’s never talked about her before I think he may of mentioned her when we’ve talked about past relationships but not that they are close and friends, she fell pregnant at a similar time to me so I think that’s why they got back in touch, right at the beginning of the messages I can’t remember the date but I’m pretty sure we were together she started the convo by asking about some skiing gloves and then they got chatting so he didn’t make the first move. I do love him it just hurt so bad and he’d understand if that was him in my position. I don’t have any guy friends no.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Louisex said:


> Hey so a few months ago I found out my boyfriend and the father of my baby was messaging his ex...


A few periods and commas here and there would help us old people be able to read your post.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

It might not be bad. You two do need to work on your relationship and talk about boundaries.

I don't find anything immediately alarming about their exchange except you need to be aware of it.

I don't see anything resembling cheating or really anything to be jealous of.

People do need to establish healthy friendship boundaries to protect their marriage. I know you aren't married but you are acting like it so I will advise like it.

I wouldn't listen to whoever is calling this cheating. That is pretty stupid advice.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Well, you said he's telling his ex how "beautiful she is". That's not something I would enjoy if my partner was saying that to an ex.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Livvie said:


> Well, you said he's telling his ex how "beautiful she is". That's not something I would enjoy if my partner was saying that to an ex.


That's a sticky point but saying it to a pregnant friend is all good as long as everything is above board.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

ConanHub said:


> It might not be bad. You two do need to work on your relationship and talk about boundaries.
> 
> I don't find anything immediately alarming about their exchange except you need to be aware of it.
> 
> ...


Agree that this doesn't appear to be cheating, but definitely a boundary issue.

I think most people feel that their spouse should not be in any contact with former sexual partners, definitely not continuous contact.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

re16 said:


> Agree that this doesn't appear to be cheating, but definitely a boundary issue.
> 
> I think most people feel that their spouse should not be in any contact with former sexual partners, definitely not continuous contact.


That's where boundaries and relationship needs require conversation and agreements.

He may need to tone it down with the friendship and he definitely needs it all above board.

I am friends on social media with two exes but I haven't seen one in 35 years and the other in 31.

Mrs. Conan was initially worried but I kept it out in the open and they have both had pretty rough lives.

We all exchange pictures of kids and grandkids and are welcome for dinner as a couple.

All above board. It also helps that Mrs. Conan thinks she is better looking than the one who was my first girlfriend. LoL 😆!


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## Nailhead (Sep 21, 2020)

They call them an X for a reason. If this individual is causing issues in your marriage it is time for them to go.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

ConanHub said:


> That's a sticky point but saying it to a pregnant friend is all good as long as everything is above board.


I still disagree. It's my boundary.... If my partner is telling an ex she is beautiful, that just doesn't work for me.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Livvie said:


> I still disagree. It's my boundary.... If my partner is telling an ex she is beautiful, that just doesn't work for me.


I'm extremely territorial, especially when our relationship was newer but I'm not the OP or her man.

I do believe they need to work out "their" boundaries but he definitely didn't do anything resembling cheating.


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## StillGoing (Dec 9, 2020)

Louisex said:


> firstly because he just didn’t tell me and that’s very disrespectful and secondly he was talking about my pregnancy


I've met a lot of colleagues of which their wives/girlfriends were expecting and none of them could keep quiet for long. Some of them told some people, some of them told just about everyone. Having news this big, to be an expecting father, it screws a little with your head. You want to tell the world. Even if it's not necessarily to the right people in the right way.

I'm not saying there's no problem, but from what you stated it isn't as obvious as you may think. There may be perfectly good reasons for his behaviour as long as there's no flirting going on. If there seems to be, please make sure it's actually flirting. Talk to him. This is something that requires communication. Possibly a lot of it, the open kind of communication. Honest and vulnerable without (too much) judgement in it.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Livvie said:


> Well, you said he's telling his ex how "beautiful she is". That's not something I would enjoy if my partner was saying that to an ex.


Exactly.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I dont think its ever a good idea to be in touch with an ex. I think you both need to talk about some boundaries. Telling another woman she is beautiful isnt appropriate in my opinion.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Did you discuss this with him before hand?

How about now that it happened? 

What does he say?


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

When I started dating my now wife her long time ex came around a couple times and I told her that he needed to buzz off if she wanted to be with me. Never seen or heard from him again since then although I think at one point over 20 years ago she did do something for his mom (she checked with me first).

You can feel however you want and if you only recently became aware of this I think it’s legit to stake your claim and let your husband know your boundaries. If not, you can let him know your feelings have changed and you’re not comfortable with him having this friendship as-is. Let him know what you want explicitly.


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## Lance Mannion (Nov 24, 2020)

re16 said:


> I think most people feel that their spouse should not be in any contact with former sexual partners, definitely not continuous contact.


I wonder what the real attitude on this is, the majority view. On this forum, yup, that's the overwhelming viewpoint. What I see among younger people is that they're much more sophisticated and see keeping up with ex's as a form of reaching a higher level of personal enlightenment (and then it blows up their relationship, but that's another matter.)


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## Lance Mannion (Nov 24, 2020)

To the OP. His saying to his ex that she is beautiful can be taken in two ways. At face value or as a social nicety, much like how most people don't really give a good god damn about you when they ask "How's your day?"

Maybe he just wanted to make her feel good, so he told her that, but he's emotionally neutral towards her. If even a social nicety is bothering you, then tell him and he really should have no problem just cutting out such a remark, you happiness is more important to him than a zero-calorie complement he gives to an ex simply to give her ego a bit of a boost.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Lance Mannion said:


> I wonder what the real attitude on this is, the majority view. On this forum, yup, that's the overwhelming viewpoint. What I see among younger people is that they're much more sophisticated and see keeping up with ex's as a form of reaching a higher level of personal enlightenment (and then it blows up their relationship, but that's another matter.)


I agree, I think once two people have naked history together, it is too easy and tempting to re-create it. I'm sure there is a statistic somewhere about what percentage of cheating is with an ex...

Cheating with co-worker is probably number 1 most common, but I would bet cheating with an ex is number 2.


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