# I truly am trapped in a cycle and at the end the end of what I can take



## Simply believe (Mar 10, 2013)

I have never joined a forum or spoke to anyone that didn't have a biasis opinion because the see what I say or have their own agendas. I has constantly asked my wife to go outside of her very small circle of who she can talk to since I feel that they have helped put us where we are. I am not sure where I should even begin, but I do hope someone takes the time to read this and can help offer outside advice. Otherwise i guess I am writing a diary.
My relationship began many years ago. I was eight years older than my wife and she was a thing of pure beauty and kindness. 
We began dating, then began to fall In love, but I always felt that the bonds that she shared with her family were a little to strong. We were having such a great time I didnt let the feeling get in the way.
Then it started, a feeling that everything soon needed to meet her family's approval. It started with minor things like I wanted to take seperate cars to an event, but the concern that her family would disprove of my decision always worked its way in. Then things got more pronounced and it became more clear that in my eyes at least I would never come first and I would always have to concern myself that my wife was worried about disappointing her family rather than simply ending it and telling them that I am a grown man and they don't pay my bills so they should keep their opinions to themselves. That major idea never stuck. It was never said and for years I had to worry what I wore how much I ate if I said enough or too much.
It seemed as though I was the only one that could do wrong. 
Fights got worse because I felt that my side was never taken and that even the mention of her family or her being wrong resulted in tremendous battles usually with her heading straight to the spare bedroom. 
Each and every time there was a disagreement she could never except that it was partially her fault. The only thing that truly mattered was her family. 
When then weekends would come it would be the family visit consisting of an 8 hour day. When our daughter was born they were there from opening to closing not giving us a minute to soak it in. Then they wanted to come home from the hospital and stay with us during our first days with her. All of these things were an argument, not common sense and wrong. The boundaries were over stepped so many times in so many ways and each time, never was my side seen. We began to do less of the things that attracted us and she became more attached with her family. 
It seemed that we were slipping away. 
I was told so many times that she only stayed with me because... Each time changing the reason why... But never until this biggest blowout that could change our lives forever and destroy our ten month old daughter that she took responsibility for her actions and understood how they could cause my reactions. We are stuck in a circle I say she needs to take responsibility and make changes that will in return allow me to move past the deeply cut i truly don't love yous that I have been hearing for years and then she will see the changes in me. Of course she says the opposite. 
I don't want to be a statistic. I never told her I didn't love her but over the years ive heard it far to many times. I think I can say if I never heard it again I might be able to sleep.
There are many details that I can't add because they would be crushing to her because she lost her dad. I am not allowed to bring up a point that highlights why something's have such resentment because of things that were said or not said because she is morning. 
I just know that I have heard i hate you, there is nothing I like about you, you make me sick, the thought of having sex with you makes me sick far too many times. I believe that the only was for this pattern to be broken is for her to realize that I can't give her what she wants,unless i am seeing a change. This has gone on too long.
I read, I read on the net, I bounce ideas off of others, I want to do the right thing. She goes to the people that I feel screwed us up. I wish she had come a bit closer to her vow and focused on us and our new family.
I wish I could say more but I want to be polite.
The last argument ended with it is over I do not love you and even though my family says we should work it out I accept it., again part of the problem is the family but I can't listen to that ever again. I swore to myself last time that the next time she took off her ring and slept downstairs I would simply quit.
By the way this came to a beginning on the way to my bday dinner. I brought up an idea for simple conversation and was me with.... Not Interested. I explained,it was ok i was just trying to talk. Well it went out of control and ruined dinner.
Then two days later my parents wanted to see my baby and have a cake for me and take some pictures. There was no cake. My parents offered to get it and my,wife was just uncooperative. The next day as I was leaving for work she was on the phone with her sister rehashing my dinner in a tone that was just not appreciated.
I honestly think that if over so many years you say the same things and don't love who you are with it must be true especially if you will not see your place in the problem.
Another lonely night.
simply believe


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Sounds like you do have some bad problems going on. 

I do have some questions.


How old are the two of you?

How long did you date?

How long have you been married?

Does your wife have a job outside the home? Or are you the bread winner in the family?

Does your wife know that you are posting here and might she read this thread?

Telling someone things like "don't love you", "i hate you", "there is nothing I like about you", "you make me sick", "the thought of having sex with you makes me sick" is verbal abuse. Your wife is definately abusive and there is no way you should tolerate being treated like this.

Another word for them is love busters. There is a really good book about this and how love busters destory love. She cannot expect you to feel anything like love for her as long as she keeps up this kind of abuse. (See the link to "Love Busters" in my signature block below.)


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## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

I used to be your wife to some extent. I'd spend time with my family over my H allot because he was so depressing to be around. I couldn't cope with his negativity anymore so I shifted my focus from my immediate family to my extended family for the support that I needed for me and my children.

This was a huge mistake...that proved to devastate and further depress my H. I did what I thought was good for me and my kids...but in the end I was wrong. I should've been there for him all the way.

Perhaps your wife is escaping something..something about you?


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## The Cro-Magnon (Sep 30, 2012)

OP, I feel for you.

I am in a very similar predicament. I am 7 years older than my wife, and she has always put her family before me. I have never ever once been first place to her. And she cannot even understand what I am saying to her when we argue, she can't even grasp what I am talking about.

The last blow out incident, where I finally cracked after years of being made to feel like utter shtt by her and her family, and I went absolutely berserk and told them all what I thought about them, is now being blamed on me. 

Talk about putting the cart before the horse. Like blaming someone you stabbed for "daring" to bleed all over the floor.
They get to undermine, attack, and destroy me, yet are perplexed when I break as a consequence. Nice people huh.

My inlaws and their unending white-anting of our relationship, and my wife's inability to put me first, or truly love or respect me, no matter what I do, or how much I give, or work, or sacrifice, is probably going to end our marriage. I have no answers. You need a spouse mature enough to grow up and realize she is a big girl, capable of living her own life, having her OWN marriage, her OWN world.

Seems like both of us lucked out badly in that department


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## nevergveup (Feb 18, 2013)

I feel for you.When you marry someone that also includes
keeping your family out of your marriage details.

Your wife sounds like her family has spoiled her and see
has never grow up.

She has also many times disrespected you by saying
these mean things.

If your wife isn't willing to change and work on putting
you and the marriage first,this is a deal breaker.

Are you willing to divorce her?If not be prepared to 
bend for the rest of your married life.

Sorry,your wife sounds very selfish.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

I am all too familiar with what you are saying in your post. Yes, you are correct in that your wife does need to let her family go and concentrate on you and your family. Have you thought of counseling? Sometimes counselors can help us see what we are not able to otherwise.

My husband's family is too close, very cliquey, almost clan-like, odd people in my book. It was obvious to me from the very start that I did not fit into their mold but I thought they were at least human and would be accepting. Husband and I have been married over 20 years and what I eventually learned is they are only accepting of those like them so guess where that leaves me? Does husband defend me? No! and that has been a huge problem. I think husband wants to PLEASE everyone but what he can't see is that while he tippy-toes around his family to please them he has hurt me in the process.

It has always made me wonder why some grown children hang onto the families like this? Are they seeking love and approval they feel they did not receive in their childdhood?

For me, I had to totally and completely disconnect from any and all functions, get-togethers, gift exchanges, etc with husband's family. Of course they blame me and of course all the difficulty comes from me and that is fine with me if that's what they want to believe, my life goes on and I like having no involvement with these people.


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## Simply believe (Mar 10, 2013)

I'm 42 and she is 34 we have been together for about eleven years and married since 07. My wife is currently not working allowing her all the time in the world to talk to her sister and her mother. She will be returning to work next year. And no she doesn't know I am posting here. I am pretty well educated. I am a teacher with a BA in education BA in psychology and a Masters in Admin. I have always believed in reaching out to try to get input from others. I also understand that the input is one sided and I'm sure she paints a different picture. I just woke up which seems to be the worse time of day for me. We sleep in seperate rooms and I awake to the sound of my ten month old daughters voice. I lay in bed wishing I could sleep longer wishing I could put off walking down the stairs knowing that I need to make it through another day like this. Yesterday I drew a picture for her showing the circle that can not be broken. It had my wants conditional on her changes and her wants conditional on my changes. I explained that for years I've been told I don't get X because I don't give A,B,C. I said I couldn't do it anymore. I brought up her relationship with her father who recently passed away and was met with total anger. His name is not to be used in this I was told. I tried to explain that this is where it all began. She has always needed his approval. I can remember when we first started dating and she was having the usual all day picnic something I'm not interesting in doing for twelve hours so I said I would join them later. Silence came over us, my father will be upset that we took two cars was said. The man didn't pay my bills and at that point I was a successful man. I didn't care if he didn't approve and time and time again I faced the same problems with lack of his approval in her eyes and of course she could never bring herself to tell him to stop or simply not worry herself.
I have so many things in my head that I could point out that paint a picture of where the problem lies but no matter what approach I take with her it's like hitting a wall. When we engaged for a small amount of time yesterday I explained that she needed to back away from her family and that I already have too much resentment of them. I explained that when our daughter was born her family was there from opening until closing each day and then had every intention of coming to our house when we got out of the hospital for a week. I couldn't imagine what was said. I was told I wouldn't have a moment alone with my baby. I thought don't these people understand that we need time as a family, what is wrong with this picture. I got them to wait until I went back to work but the intention was there and my wife was ok with it. She would have been fine with it.
I guess by typing this all out I'm seeing the real picture. But I guess unless i put her major problems out there it doesn't seem fair so I will fill you in on how I am viewed. In her eyes i am simply jealous of her family. Now I never understood if she meant the relationship she has with them and that I wish I had it with mine or just jealous of them. My wife is also completely against any medication. I mean against all meds. I have been going to hormone replacement doctors for years. I was diagnosed with low t. My levels were in the 100 range. To give you an idea 240 to 1200 is range. So I am half of low. That is not good. I go for blood work every other month and we went through IVF to have our baby. She has seen the bloodwork and knows its low. In her eyes I have faked years of blood testing to be put on testosterone. Then I have a crushed section of my neck c6 and c7, which causes loss of feeling in my left hand and as a result of years of wear and tear from weight lifting and doing every possible job on our house myself I have eight rotator cuff tears, tendonitus, premature osteoarthritis and at one time I broke my forearm in five places. When they set my arm I lost most of the motion. I go to the doctor every month and give urine to prove that I only use what is prescribed and take pain medication which barely takes the edge off of the constant pain. Finally I deal with add. I function as a professional and have learned to simply set myself up for success by laying out what is important. 
To her these things are bad, wrong, and despite the fact that everything is documented she believes that i don't need anything. I have never missed a day of life to sit around and pop pills like she would like to believe. She has seen the mris she was at the hospital during a few of the injuries and has heard first hand from more than one doctor about why I need what. Yet as part of what she needs she would have me stop all medications. For anyone that knows about having low t, it is simply not a good feeling. 
She would also have me more accepting of her need to be with her family. 
I guess I started this post because when i was confronted by her yesterday even though I have already made it clear that this is her doing and that things need to change on her end, that she needs to understand that to get what she wants she needs to change some things for good. I was confronted with hostility. I pointed out that this has been a problem since the beginning and that her outbursts and anger need to stop. I have no idea where she learned to break things or threaten to break things to a 200 pound man, but she does. The end result was being told the same hateful things that I have heard so many times and then being asked to tell her I don't want to be with her. I said that that is not how I would phrase my feelings. I told her that nothing would change and that this would never work if she didn't accept responsibility for her end and that I couldn't bare the weight of it anymore. It's crushing me. In my eyes if she doesn't love me, can't stand to be near me, couldn't imagine touching me, and basically realizes that she has made a mistake time and time again that she should begin the separation process or whatever she needs to do, but I don't know why she needs my consent or for me to do it. I watched my daughter get her bath while this blowout was occurring and couldn't imagine my life without her constantly by my side. I could simply lay down my sword and surrender to the insanity of our marriage again and for the moment make the pain go away. I could find more things to do when she visits her family or if I am forced to spend my only vacation with her mother sister brother in law and two nieces I could just ask for some sedatives and become numb to it. 
But I know deep down inside that things would pile up in her mind again and the. We would be right back to where we are now. Me hiding in the basement and posting on the Internet and her upstairs thinking she is right as rain while playing with my daughter. 
I know people say hurtful things when they fight or they are mad, but to always say the same things, is that coincidence or is it because they are simply true. I guess that is where I am at. Do I lay down my sword and shield and give in to have some peace and not worry about my daughter or do I stand my ground and try to make some changes. I don't think she could have been any clearer last night when she said she couldn't love someone like me And there is nothing left. The only problem with that is she has said it so many times I don't know if it's just how she reacts or if it is a hurried truth.
I have had my three cups of coffee and it is time for me to go upstairs and see what today holds. If I am lucky she will visit her family today and I will have time to think. I can only imagine what will happen next. I guess I need a magic ball to figure out my fate, am I to be a statistic or can this be fixed. Oh by the way counseling is out of the question. We went once and when the counselor told her I had a good point she said that it was her feeling and no one is going to tell her her feelings are wrong.
This has to be done alone.
I'm sure I'll be back, but to be honest I feel a lot better after writing this.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

The old Ann Landers/Dear Abby question applies: Are you better off with her or without her. Only you can answer that.


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## Blue Firefly (Mar 6, 2013)

1) put some paragraphs in your text (and by paragraphs, I mean a blank line between paragraphs). It's virtually impossible to read the way you have it.

2) Have you considered looking at this from the standpoint of being one, long *fitness test*. She puts her families opinions ahead of yours. You don't fight back. When you finally do finally respond, instead of acting calm, firm, masculine manner--like the Rock of Gibralter--you blow up and have a hissy fit.

There's nothing wrong with strong family ties. But, it seems obvious that neither she or her family respect you as being the equal of her family. That's the part you have to change. Establish that you are their equal.

I would view all the interactions with her family as a form of fitness test.

3) Her father is dead. Trying to make her see that her father was a bad guy is a no-go. You should drop it.

Instead, concentrate on where you want to go from here. Create a vision in your mind of what you want you family life to be like, and then work to implement that vision.



> I told her that nothing would change and that this would never work if she didn't accept responsibility for her end...


What makes you think she believes there is a problem, much less that she should take responsibility for it?

You can't force people to change. You certainly can't force them to change by saying "you're the problem." Even when people know they are wrong in their heart, that kind of talk just causes them to dig into their position deeper--it's just human nature.

PS

Don't forget to go back and add the blank lines between your paragraphs. If you want help, you need to make it easy for people to help you.


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## Hopefull363 (Feb 13, 2012)

You miss the point of the 180. The 180 is to help one spouse detach from the other so they can get control of their feelings and themselves. It also prepares them for the world without their spouse and to feel better about themselves. It teaches you to be more dependent on yourself instead of your spouse.

It sometimes has other benefits. Like the other spouse waking up to reality and realizing they might loose you. It can give both spouses some space to think rationally. It may even cause the other spouse to want that person again because they believe they are becoming unattainable. But that is not what it is intended for.

I don't think a 180 would hurt in this situation. It might show him and his wife that he can live without her. It also may make his wife think about what life would be without him.


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## Hopefull363 (Feb 13, 2012)

Here is the 180 if you are interested in reading it. I'm not saying this would work in your situation. Only you can decide that.

This 180 list may help.
--------------------------


For those that are interested in Michelle Weiner Davis's divorce busting 180 degree list, here it is:

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or
implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow him/her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say "I Love You".
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don't be overly enthusiastic.
23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and possibly walk away.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.


2 things to think about if you do this:

1) You have to do the 180 list NOT to be manipulative but because it's the right thing to do for you. You have to heal from this experience. You have to back off for your own sanity now. You have to have a plan and know that you will be a better person with or without them after all is said and done -- that you will live and learn and move on no matter what. So you have to be geniune when you follow these ideas, rather than faking it and being insincere because your only goal is to get them back. That's not what you want to do. Having a certain person as our spouse is not a need, it's a want. When I wrote down a list of all the definite needs in my life, I realized that almost everything beyond food, clothing and shelter is a want. 10 seconds after I looked at the list, I stopped making decisions based on emotion. That's when I realized that my wanting to have her was causing me to beg and plead for her to come back. That was driving her away more so I stopped doing it immediately. In doing my own version of the 180 list I could tell nearly an immediate change in her behavior.

2) Realize that when your spouse sees your new attitude they are very likely to be a little jealous or at least have some curiosity about what's going on in your life to cause this change. However, they very well may react the same way towards you for some time (especially if they read books or go to message boards also). REALIZE that this tactic can also work simultaneously on you if the spouse begins to likewise. Be aware of it and plan to have your own feelings of jealousy and curiosity in advance. However, like with #1 above, if you're doing the 180 list to better yourself and everyone involved, then it will matter less what they are doing.


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## Blue Firefly (Mar 6, 2013)

Hopefull363 said:


> You miss the point of the 180. The 180 is to help one spouse detach from the other so they can get control of their feelings and themselves. It also prepares them for the world without their spouse and to feel better about themselves. It teaches you to be more dependent on yourself instead of your spouse.


If we're talking about books or plans, I'm thinking:

The Way of the Superior Man
No More Mr. Nice Guy
The Married Man Sex Life Primer

They're more about reframing your mindset about your relationship with your wife in a way that maintains your marriage in the long run.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

LugMauler makes a lot of good points. I'm mostly in agreement with him/her.

You're going to be demonized no matter what you do, Simply. If you leave, you can anticipate a great deal of parental alienation syndrome, I suspect. This is where a parent tries to cut the other parent from a child's life. It is a form of emotional abuse, and it has devastating effects on both the child and the targeted parent. 

On the other hand, staying in the situation will likely have equally devastating effects on your child and may still produce alienation. 

Loving detachment is a good option in some cases, but I doubt it's going to make a difference in yours, because your detachment is already a source of problems. I'd see you as being part of the 5% that doesn't get results from the 180. The family wants you to be fully enmeshed to a dysfunctional degree.

There are no easy answers, and it's likely that you'll endure pain and agony over any choice you make, but I'll brainstorm and see if I can up with anything that might be helpful... 

The base problem is that she won't detach from them and prioritize you and your marriage. In her mind, a happy marriage means bringing her husband into her family without changing her role within the family. In your mind, it means establishing your family of choice as an interdependent entity - one that interacts with your families of origin but is basically independent of them. In order to resolve the problem, one or both of you will have to change your expectations. 

If you're not willing to comply with her expectations, you'll need to find a way to motivate her to comply with yours. Maybe not completely (in either direction) but to make some changes that come your way. 

To do that, I think you'll need to figure out what motivates her most. You already know family does. Would it be possible for you to get very close with just ONE of her close family members and plead your case in a way that gets them on "your side?" Could you elicit empathy from them for feeling lonely/abused/neglected in your marriage? If you can, I think this would be the best way to start introducing changes. Let THEM be the messenger who tells her to take time for her husband and to act in a loving way.

Another alternative is marriage counseling. You said you have a degree in psychology, and I noticed you didn't mention any counseling is taking place. I'm not sure if it would help, because it might strike her as you being a "know it all" and trying to control her, and I'm sure her family would side with her on this. But at the same time, I hope you are communicating with her in a way that doesn't make her feel like you're "analyzing" her or labeling her, even if she deserves it. 

When verbal abuse happens, I *would* encourage you to place firm boundaries without using many words. Don't beg, plead, or reason on this. Just pick up your child and leave the home with a simple statement that you'll return when she gives you a call to let you know that she won't be hateful toward you and that you can talk without others present. Be prepared to get a room or even an alternate apartment if you can afford it if that's called for.

My last suggestion is to appeal to her sense of loyalty with one of your own. Ask your family to assist you with a demonstration and ask her to do the things she wants you to do in her family. Tell her you want to accommodate them and be a full part of her family, but that you want her to understand what that means. Throw down the gauntlet and tell her not to be a hypocrite - that you want her to spend as much time with your family as she does with her own, because that's what good spouses do according to her. Use her own arguments to prove your points. 

Don't know how much help any of these things will be in practice, so please discard anything you don't think would be helpful.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

Simply believe said:


> My relationship began many years ago. I was eight years older than my wife and she was a thing of pure beauty and kindness.
> We began dating, then began to fall In love, but I always felt that the bonds that she shared with her family were a little to strong. We were having such a great time *I didnt let the feeling get in the way.*


This was walking into a relationship with your eyes closed, and rationalizing away a problem that existed at the outset. It is not pure kindness to manipulate her boyfriend as she did. It is abusive. So you've told us you did not let her abusive behavior interfere in your unrealistic idealization. 

You described a long list of cruel and abusive behavior, really childish stuff, that you have tolerated for many years. It seems obvious to me you haven't had counseling because this is so elementary that no counselor would fail to point out how abusive she is.

My wife was a teen when we met and did some of these teen-type things, but it didn't get the reaction she wanted. If you laugh at them instead of showing how hurt you are they knock it off real quick. They'll respect you for having a backbone. 

But when you get all mopey and hurt, they see what kind of power they have over you. They'll just keep doing it because it works. It sounds like the "eight years older" thing got in the way with letting youth and beauty walk all over age and experience. 

Boundaries must have enforceable consequences or else they aren't boundaries. The ultimate enforcement is established in the beginning by separating from them over an issue like this. "Hey, no problem young lady - come on back when you are willing to put me first, but for now I'm going to date all of these other awesome ladies who will do just that."

This isn't being manipulative. This is refusing to be manipulated yourself. 

You have to be willing to start your life over without her in order to have any kind of motivation on her part to change. You need some education on abusive/manipulative behavior so that you can recognize it and refuse to tolerate it. I'd hit amazon.com since you have a psych background and leaf through some of the many wonderful books on manipulation there and start reading.


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## Hopefull363 (Feb 13, 2012)

Even though I posted the 180 for your reading. I too agree with Lug and Kathy. I don't think the 180 will work for your problem. I think it will drive her closer to her family. We are here to give you all of your options. What you chose is up to you.

I feel for you. It's hard to have your spouse as priority #1 and you're not even on their priority list. I wish you well.


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## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

I don't mean to sound rude, but I'm thinking that perhaps your wife may be put off by all your ailments. Perhaps she views u as being weak and she longs for someone that'll make her feel secure. Maybe her family is her crutch in dealing with all the medical issues you've had.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Simply believe (Mar 10, 2013)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Simply believe (Mar 10, 2013)

tracyishere said:


> I don't mean to sound rude, but I'm thinking that perhaps your wife may be put off by all your ailments. Perhaps she views u as being weak and she longs for someone that'll make her feel secure. Maybe her family is her crutch in dealing with all the medical issues you've had.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:scratchhead:
Wow, I expected feedback, but not a negative attack on my character, especiall without any real evidence. All I stated was that I had injuries that I had to deal with, but I deal and Never complain about them. Despite the wear and tear on my body I still train everyday and have competed in body building. And as far as ADD, trust me the majority of people have it. The only reason I pointed any of that out was to show what she would say about me. 
So you would compare me to a menapasal woman that takes estrogen to balance her body and is perhaps is a bit over weight and can not do vigerous outdoor activities deserves to be treated differently and their husband should sit at his mother's house for 10 hours.
That was just really out there and uncalled for. I didn't mention any of my ailments as stopping me from living life. Part of the problem is that I still want to live my life and I can't because she is always concerned about her family. If I said I need to spend countless days on the couch and I am unable to fullfill my job as bread winner and keeper of the house I could understand it. Perhaps the part that I am weak in is that I haven't been able to take a proper stand and put an end to this. Instead I am on a PC sharing my feeling with people that can twist something that isn't even there. Besides wouldn't that go against in sickness and in health?
I learned a lot over the weekend. I learned that I need to be with people, I am a social person. I reach out to others and ask about their experiences. In the process I then talk too much and say things I can not take back. At least here no one knows each other, but I need to keep more of this to myself and the quote calling a 195 pound avid bodybuilder who pushes through pain in order to reach their next goal and has never flinched when stuck with anything other than mental attacks is why. 
Thank you to all of you that shared your thoughts with me and your experiences I truly appreciate them. I needed an outside source to bounce ideas off of and share my feeling with. 
After this weekend I realized that sharing isn't always the best and that it often back fires, just as it did with that comment. It's honestly not worth anymore effort explaining it. I learned a lot. Perhaps I will check back to see what else I have learned, but if they are cruel statements with no validity you can keep them.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

I don't think one comment from one person should be throwing you for such a loop and making you so defensive. It definitely was not an attack of your character. We don't know you. We're all just guessing here and going by the little tidbits of what you say. We're trying to come at this from different angles and take guesses of why your wife behaves the way she does. You listed your physical challenges so you opened up the possibility for speculation. Maybe Tracyishere is right; maybe she is wrong. That's why she said "maybe" several times in her post.

Anyway, it sounds like you are in a living hell and you need to do the 180 and plan on getting out. With all the terrible things she has said to - she hates you, she hates having sex with you, taking off her ring, sleeping in another room, she is so far gone in her total disgust and anger in the marriage, why isn't she leaving you? Oh I know. You bring home the bacon. It's time to stop being a doormat to her and her manipulative family and get out.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

She treats you like crap because you've allowed it for years.

If she refuses to attend MC with you, then NOTHING will change and you will know you're beating your head against a wall.

Regardless of whether she agrees to MC or not, YOU need IC to work on your low self-esteem AND to learn how to set/maintain HEALTHY BOUNDARIES.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

I just wanted to give my take on what Tracy said.I don't see that post as her attacking your character.I read it that she was speculating that MAYBE YOUR WIFE views you that way because of your physical issues and the fact you take medicine for them..not that Tracy beleives that herself or thinks its very nice if that is what your wife is thinking..Of course its shallow and ignorant IF that is an issue for your wife ..but its similar to how many believe that if you need meds for depression or anxiety then you must just be a weakling.I think she was merely suggestion MAYBE your wife holds that view..Especially you mentioned she does not believe in taking ANY meds...MAYBE the fact that you believe you need them your wife views you as weak and / or causes her insecurity .Including the fact she seems to have put blinders on (stuck her fingers in her ears) she has heard/and seen 1st hand your diagnosis and Dr.s recomendations for the meds.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Oh and also I believe that could be a possibility what Tracy suggested but not the "root" problem more like a symptom of her already lack of respect for you .Its almost like unfounded or not she doesn't trust you at least not on the same level as her family to be there for her or to know what you are doing.Like you might lead her in the wrong direction so her family is her "back bone" and support in life.And then on top of that you (in her eyes) are trying to lead her away from them in an ironic way confirming what she already may have believed.Like you are not looking out for her best interest or arent capable somehow..(please don't think I THINK this about you liek Tracey I'm speculating that your wife MAY and she also may NOT)..


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

I also agree with Blue Firefly about your posting style..the length is O.K its just hard to read a post that long that is all in one paragraph .More people will read it if you break it up.Just a friendly suggestion .


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## lucybrown (Mar 11, 2013)

I am in the same boat. My h's sister decided last week at dinner to force my daughter to pray for dinner. My daughter looked me in the eye and we shared a moment; neither she nor I responded to her demand. I held my daughter's gaze in silence until his sister was done with her tantrum. My husband, though just as important to him, I doubt he'll ever address it. Narcisism, ugh.


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## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

You are absolutely right. It was all speculation and so was everyone else's responses. The only person who knows what is truly going on is your wife.
I did not intend to offend you. Just trying to offer a different point of view. Take it as you like.


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## LifeIsAJourney (Jan 24, 2013)

Dear Simply Believe,

I feel for you, I really do. My situation was very different from yours as there was no family interference. My husband suffered from debilitating depression that manifested as anger and rage. He self medicated and was emotionally abusive. Living with him was pretty much h*ll. 

I can only offer some advice that helped me immensely:

You can't force someone else to change - the only person you can change is yourself. Be the best person you can be for you and your child. Take care of your health, both mental and physical. 

Get individual counseling if you can afford it (mine was paid for by my company's EAP). It helps to have someone that will listen to you and be on your side. 

EVERYONE deserves to be treated with respect. Insist upon it and do not stay in the presence of anyone who treats you otherwise.

I am so sorry you are going through this. It sucks.


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