# damn I'm getting good at doing the laundry!



## lpad (Nov 8, 2011)

Just put on a shirt from a load I did last night and it smells great and is sooo soft. Now here's my story. I'll try to keep as short and detailed as I can. Some of my older post tell the early situ.

It has been a couple of years since my wife told me she was not in love with me anymore. We went through three different MC's and she started with a PT for sex therapy and stopped after 2 sessions. Not much has changed. She still shows no affection or compassions for my needs for any affection or recognition I exist. She has become the classic fence sitter and gives me no information. She tells me she cares about me but has no desire or passion to be anything but friends. She has also said she says she wishes things were different, but does not know how to change the way she feels all the while she does nothing to change anything at all. When we have a talk (99.9 it's me talking until I ramble stupidly) and I tell her I'm close to giving up hope for us she is undoubtedly sad and upset. I am stuck in a place where I will soon be forced to make the decision to end the marriage. I believe she is fence sitting because of fear of the unknown. With me she has a responsible, faithful, financially secure man that loves her. Trust me I am by know means perfect and have made some mistakes in this marriage. The difference between her and I is I acknowledge and correct my mistakes while she just continues to accept her short comings and blame her past and me for them. I told her last night that I am choosing to no longer love her (really hard to do BTW). I am just not sure if I want to give up on her. I believe she would live this crappy marriage forever before making a decision. Tell me what you think or ask me any questions. Just let me know if I start to ramble supidly


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Is your wife depressed? I get the impression of an empty shell.

Don't know how you wake up someone who has decided to stay like that for an extended period of time. Maybe pull the rug out from under them?

Did the two of you try "His Needs, Her Needs"?


----------



## lpad (Nov 8, 2011)

Yes she is depressed. She started taking meds 5 years ago. They seem to have helped her. The first MC is a psychiatrist and not just a counsel/therapist stated she was taking to much of a dose. She tried to back down and she started feeling depressed again. She's back up and stable. She functions fine at work and around friends and the kids school. At home she sleeps alot and is seldom upbeat. Yes we tried his needs and her needs. not much help for us. Her complex past and depression make it even harder for me to feel good about moving on with my life. I worry about what effect my leaving will have on her and my 2 children


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I'm not surprised that "His Needs, Her Needs" did not help since she seems to not be totally engaged in things. It takes some energy and a lot of desire to change to work through that book.

Do you think that your situation might fall under "in sickness"? Not asking to put pressure on you. I honestly wonder when that part of the marriage vow holds and when we can just day we are done.


----------



## lpad (Nov 8, 2011)

No pressure felt. Thanks for the response. My vows are important to me. But if the meds are helping her deal with life situations better why is the marriage not being dealt with. I'm not asking for much. A hug, a kiss even a sincere conversation.


----------



## hope4family (Sep 5, 2012)

lpad said:


> No pressure felt. Thanks for the response. My vows are important to me. But if the meds are helping her deal with life situations better why is the marriage not being dealt with. I'm not asking for much. A hug, a kiss even a sincere conversation.


Glad that your vows are important to you. Sorry that this is so hard. Here is one positive. The way she acts at home and treats you reflects her comfort level around you. This can be viewed as a good and a bad thing. 

The big question is finding out whether or not she respects you.


----------



## lpad (Nov 8, 2011)

Thanks for the kindness. I honestly believe she respects me. If she just was not so emotionally closed and stubborn as a mule I would not be in this conundrum. The truth is I do not want to leave and I do believe she wishes things were different. Her MO for dealing with tough situation especially emotional feelings is to close up and ignore them them then deal with the consequences later. She is so stubborn she would let me divorce her rather than deal with the real issues. I am just soooo tired of trying to breakthrough to her it has wore me down. I have been trying to do the 180 thing and it has made an immediate impact on her as she is now realizing I am giving up hope. But even after this I came home today after a 12 hour day and walked into the kitchen where she and my two children were in. My kids said Hi dad! and We discussed their day at school for a few minutes. All the while she never acknowledged I came home. I finally broke her silence by asking how her day was and got the usual "OK".( I dislike one word responses BTW). She did end up asking me how mine and I responded with a few positive comments about my day despite it was not really a good day. I did not think she cared regardless. That was two hours ago and she has yet to initiate any communication.

BTW the 180 thing is much harder to do than I ever imagined. Making a conscious decision to avoid communication and putting myself first before her needs makes my gut turn.


----------



## uriostegui (Nov 28, 2012)

I'm going through the same thing with my wife, I'm 24 and she is 22. She treats me exactly the way your wife does, simple plain responses, never hugs me kisses me or shows interest in anything. I have to be the one always initiating things and it is very tiring and frustrating. And I know she does loves me but don't even try to change her ways. 
Everything falls on me, I'm the one to make the ultimate choice. She don't wanna take part or blame in anything.


----------



## Dubya (Oct 2, 2012)

lpad said:


> BTW the 180 thing is much harder to do than I ever imagined. Making a conscious decision to avoid communication and putting myself first before her needs makes my gut turn.


I understand that feeling. Best thing you can do *for yourself* no matter how it turns out.


----------



## wifehubby (Jan 28, 2012)

I would say don't try to convince, you can't.... Instead I would say do a 180 with a sprinkle of make yourself attractive to your wife (physically and emotionally). Do it as a first step to getting a divorce and a small possibility of waking herself up.

You can't nag her into loving you, i don't think it ever works for anybody. 

Especially if you have kids, if the marriage is low conflict you are probably better off staying in it but just redefining the marriage a bit. 

Separate yourself a little bit and do what you want to do. If she wants to leave, let her leave but you don't have to confine what you do as a husband or father based on her attitude.

More Alpha, less talking methinks.... The lack of intimacy is very frustrating though...

Btw, my ex was somewhat similar fence sitter but she was cheating on me at the sametime, even when I wanted to seperate or stop trying she told me to keep trying and kept on phone relations or more with the OM...


----------



## Now (Aug 14, 2012)

I know it feels horrible to be the one dragging the relationship forward. 
I'm just thinking if turning down the thermostat might help in this situation? I read it a while ago in the men's clubhouse, don't know if anyone could find the link?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## lpad (Nov 8, 2011)

Thanks for all the support peeps. Just an update. I finally had about all I could take. so over the weekend end took control of an issue that has nagged on me for awhile and that was $$$. I have always entrusted her with the finances and she does a great job. we have little to no debt and have had money for investments and vacations and such. The problem was all the savings was in her own savings account while mine has scratch. I believe I need to start squirreling away for my plan B. So ended my direct deposit into our joint account. I told since I make 70% of the combined income I will now pay 70% of the bills and the remainder will be in my savings account. I also told her that If things do not improve I will be moving out on 4-1-2012. I was glad to see when I came home today she had actually done some research on what has been her emotional issues. I told her I would support her in any way she needed me too. I am still firm on my date though. I plan to continue putting myself preservation first.


----------

