# Ready for closure... now she's stalling



## unheld (Sep 20, 2013)

Hi, all... my wife moved to another state at the beginning of December. 

We had been disconnected for a couple years and our marriage was devoid of any intimacy... even just a friendly sock on the arm to show affection.

I tried all I could to make things better: stopped drinking, got on ADs, worked on a new perspective about my job so it became enjoyable, let her spend money on frivolous stuff for the house because it seemed to make her happy.... pretty much anything in my power to do.

We went to MC for a while, but our opportunities for a therapist are extremely limited given the unique place we live. Frankly, I think the MC did more damage than good....

The last year of our sexless, anti-intimate marriage followed a pattern. I work long hard hours on a night shift and made most of the money we had. She worked three days a week during the day at a part-time job with no benefits.

The pattern is on Saturdays, I would just want to go to the beach, hang out and relax and recharge my batteries for the upcoming week of my high-pressure job. We would typically go to the grocery stores on Saturday morning and head home tohave lunch, go to the beach and then relax at home watching movies and hanging out. She would start drinking wine at lunch and then have 4-5 glasses and fall asleep on the couch in the late afternoon. Then she would wake up and have a few more glasses of wine.

She also would start arguments over the same s**t every weekend and argue her point by aggressively repeating her point -- which many times was semi-logical -- ad nauseum until I just couldn't take it and would leave the room and go get on the computer or go watch TV in silence. It took me a while to stop rising to her button-pushing argumentative style... previously I would try to reason with her until her repetitive drunken argument would make me nuts. Other times I would try to match her argumentative style... ultimately, I would simply stand up and walk away if she brought some of the same old topics after she had had a few glasses of wine.

Needless to say, we finally reached a point where neither of us was interested in continuing, and I was resentful and felt she was just using me for my wallet... as I am paid well and we had a beautiful place and plenty of money to do things... except she never would want to do anything other than hang out and drink a few bottles of wine during the weekend. (She also drank wine daily, sometimes a whole bottle a day. Chardonnay, blech.)

She left and moved to another state with her sister. Before she went, we had reached an agreement that I feel is more than fair. I am giving her half the 401K, keeping her on my work-sponsored health insurance, I let her sell everything we had and keep the cash to take with her to get set up, I agreed to take on her $3,600 in credit card debit by paying her $200 a month until it reached that amount, and I agreed to take on our tax debt, which for some reason was because of her part-time job and is at about $5300 after the 2015 taxes.

No kids, no property, one old 1998 car with 200K miles on it, that I get to keep because there is no way to get around where we lived and where I currently live.

We agreed to an uncontested divorce with those terms and I spent a couple months working on the divorce documents and am getting help from a friend who is a lawyer. I finally mailed the divorce documents to her about two months ago and waited to hear back or get them back signed so I could file them for $50 and we both could move on.

After no communication except for an occasional brief text once every couple of weeks, she is dragging ass about signing and returning the documents.

First, she was broke and couldn't find a job and needed money for a prescription she couldn't afford and a couple doctor appointments. So I sent her few hundred, whixch she never even acknowledged or thanked me for.

Then she wanted me to buy her a saddle and at first I said I might be able to do it in July as my old car had a heart attack and nearly croaked. 

Then she said she wouldn't sign the docs without having a lawyer look them over but she couldn't afford that, so I offered to reimburse her for a lawyer to take an hour to read the agreement -- which is very straightforward and not hard to understand at all.

Now -- again, after months of no conversation or asking how I am or anything -- she wants to start telling me how she lost everything she worked for (with her part-time job, I suppose) and had nothing. This has become a new refrain. After having to pay $1,750 in taxes for last year and about $1500 in car repairs, I told her I wouldn't be able to buy her old saddle back from her friend for $500. (That whole thing is some kind of manipulation anyway. Her sister owns horses and has saddles and she has a large circle of friends in the horse industry who all have many, many saddles. Plus her friend surely would let her have the saddle back and let her pay it off later.)

I have been keeping my text messages even-keeled, unemotional and acquiescent... telling her we can revisit the agreement if she wishes. I have not let her know, though, that if she starts jacking me on any of the terms that I will not allow her to stay on my health care plan and I will cease paying any of her credit card debt and she will become responsible for half of our tax debt.

Last text I sent was a few days ago, telling her that I am willing to discuss changing the agreement and that I am not trying to pressure her, but I would like to file the papers and move forward with my life.

I have not heard from her in a few days....

Think I just wanted to vent, but do you guys have any thoughts? Is she getting ready to try and twist up the agreement and try to soak me for more money? I don't really want to get into lawyers and all that BS, but if we do, I can afford an attorney and she can't.

Truly, I just want this s**T to get filed and be over with so I can start to recover from the divorce.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

How long were you married?


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

I think you are doing a great job and are taking the high road. As you are doing you need to continue to hold all of your trump cards in your back pocket to dole out as she continues to jack you around. Give her a warning of what is to come if she does not cooperate and act swiftly if she continues.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

I think you have been MORE than fair and she is a LAZY soon to be ex who is jacking with you...i would start playing hard ball with her....she is playing you.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

You've been more than reasonable and generous. You're separated and heading toward a divorce. She needs to start being responsible for her own upkeep, period. She's dragging her feet because she wants your health benefits and money, but not you. It doesn't work that way. She's a grown woman. It's not your job to provide for her anymore. Play hardball.


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## unheld (Sep 20, 2013)

Hi... thanks for the support/advice.

We were married almost 10 years.

It helps to have an outside perspective, because clearly I am deeply close to this situation. I am not looking to punish her, and I am loathe to start playing hardball with her, although I recognize that may be where this is heading.

I truly want to resolve this without lawyers and fighting and keep it uncontested. I also understand the struggle she is having trying to find work and get back on her feet. I don't really feel responsible for her situation, as I did everything reasonable to try and make our marriage work and own my part in our problems; still, at one time we were very happy and very much in love, and that is something I hope to hang onto throughout this process.

I am thinking that in our recent texts -- after a few months of limited text contact at all -- I have not acknowledged that she is struggling, and sometimes people just want to know they have been heard.

My next move is to send her a kind email telling her that I am sorry she is struggling so much and is there some other ways I can help make this process easier for her... and for me. If this has the desired effect of thawing the situation and getting it back on track, then I will (gently) suggest we set a deadline date for the filing....

The last thing I want to do right now, though, is to make her feel cornered or get her riled up and cause things to break down further.

I DO want to move on, though... it's like being haunted.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

unheld said:


> Hi... thanks for the support/advice.
> 
> We were married almost 10 years.
> 
> ...


You've been relieved of the job of being sorry she is struggling and you can't make this any easier for her. She doesn't want your sympathy, she wants some cash. 

Last time, it was medical bills now it's a saddle. She is unemployed, a saddle doesn't put food on the table and on her list of priorities shouldn't be that high.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

honcho said:


> You've been relieved of the job of being sorry she is struggling and you can't make this any easier for her. She doesn't want your sympathy, she wants some cash.
> 
> Last time, it was medical bills now it's a saddle. She is unemployed, a saddle doesn't put food on the table and on her list of priorities shouldn't be that high.


At least she's consistent.

Consistently frivolous.

"Oh take care of me, oh take care of me... what shall I do?"

Well, if she'd have put the wine glass down and banged you a few more times, she wouldn't find herself in this situation.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Stop giving her money and let her know the changes you plan to make should she not respond by X date. She just doesn't want to lose her meal ticket. I divorced my ex husband without a single word or acknowledgement from him, so it really can be done without her cooperation.


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## Malpheous (May 3, 2013)

Brother your friend is a crap lawyer if he hasn't told you to handle this entirely different. If he has, you should have listened.

1.) Never pay a [email protected]#%ng thing without a signed order. All that you just paid in December, etc? "Gift"

2.) Never give her anything that isn't a personal item of hers.

3.) Quit asking her. You have papers. Petition the court for a divorce. Have her served. Period. 

4.) If you have to pay anything, a-n-y-t-h-i-n-g post order, you open a credit line, if needed. Use the credit line/other monies to make payment directly to the institution you are ordered to pay. You get a receipt for that. You place that in a safe. Not safe place. Safe. Fire and waterproof, metal, never kick it because it will hurt like hell - safe. It stays there until it get's archived by the Smithsonian.

5.) It's a business transaction.

6.) DO NOT TEXT HER ANYMORE

7.) DO NOT TAKE CALLS THAT YOU AREN'T RECORDING. Let her get pissed. Let it got to Voicemail.

8.) Post office. Go. Ask how to send a 3R. Registered Receipt Required. Learn it. It's how you communicate from now on with her.


PS - Depending on your state - under 10 years - you probably didn't need to pay her sh!t from your 401K. Don't' forget, since you did the withdrawal, you'll likely have to pay the taxes on it for the penalty. You factored that and deducted it from the her amount though, right?


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

Malpheous said:


> Brother your friend is a crap lawyer if he hasn't told you to handle this entirely different. If he has, you should have listened.
> 
> 1.) Never pay a [email protected]#%ng thing without a signed order. All that you just paid in December, etc? "Gift"
> 
> ...


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