# Husband gave a co-worker a ride



## A_lady0430 (Oct 21, 2013)

My husband has been friends with this lady at work for over 10 years. I considered her a dear friend before my daughter was born, we would double date with her husband and everything was cool. 

She came over my house a couple months ago with her daughter who is 7 to play with my daughter who was about to be 2. Let's just say they weren't compatible. She was complaining the entire visit about my daughter bothering her that was really annoying because they knew how old my daughter was! 

Then this lady made a REALLY nasty comments about my daughter. She basically called her ugly, and said her nose was really big. She also made a comment about her hair and how much she had changed. This really bothered me and I just wanted her to leave at that point.

Later on I thought about what she said and thought that perhaps I was being sensitive so I gave her another chance and hence during her next visit SHE MADE THE SAME COMMENT ABOUT MY DAUGHTER!!! There is a lot more to this story but for the sake of not making this too long I will leave it at that.

I cut her off FOR GOOD! Told him what that witch had said about our daughter and that I didn't want to see her or her bratty daughter ever again PERIOD. I told him if he wanted he could hang out with them if he pleased. 

Today he calls me from the grocery store on his lunch break and guess who is with him? The witch! He told me she saw him and asked him for a ride to the grocery store because she was low on gas and he gave her one. 


I am infuriated with him.

First of all why is he giving a female co-workers a ride anywhere ? If I had told him I was at a grocery store with some guy from work guess what? All hell would've broke loose. Second he gives her a ride? After everything I had told him she said about him and our daughter ( she had made a comment before I got pregnant about my husband being ugly) 


He comes home he doesn't say anything. He doesn't ask me why I am angry ,he doesn't care.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

What are the consequences for him? If everything at home is just the same then he has no incentive to say anything. You talk, if he acts cool don't chase him don't act angry. Be cool but polite. Don't do anything extra for him. 

When you calm down, then talk. Think about what you are going to say. The theme should be respect. You expect it from him. Let him know that if he does not appreciate what you do for him you will cut back. Let him know that you assume that if giving rides to female friends regardless of how you feel that you will do the same with male friends. 

Your friend may be jealous of you. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

Catherine is right. 

Let him know calmly and politely that he needs to respect and love you and your daughter, this woman insulted his child and him. He needs to respect and understand your feelings on this and stand by you.


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

Whoa...wait a sec. At first you told him THIS:


> *I told him if he wanted he could hang out with them if he pleased.*


And now your p*ssed off at him for doing EXACTLY what you told him it would be _o.k_. for him to do? Heck, if I was in your h's shoes, I'd be confused as HECK at your attitude! 

I think the _truth_ is, that you really DIDN'T want him to hang out with them, but that you really couldn't TELL him that, because then _you'd_ come across as being 'controlling'. 

ETA: I'm also willing to bet that this woman has NO CLUE that you're angry at her... 

Does that sound about right? 

Vega


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## ChelseaBlue (Mar 5, 2012)

A_lady0430 said:


> My husband has been friends with this lady at work for over 10 years....
> 
> Told him what that witch had said about our daughter and that I didn't want to see her or her bratty daughter ever again PERIOD. I told him if he wanted he could hang out with them if he pleased.
> 
> ...


Your husband has been friends with this woman for a decade. You gave him permission to hang out with her if he wanted to. Now you are mad at him!

If you don't want him to hang with her tell him that. Don't get mad when he is doing what you said he could.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

Why did you tell him it was ok to hang out with her if you didn't want him to? 

I'm not sure I would want to spend time with someone who insulted my daughter, but if you gave him the ok it seems a bit unfair to be angry with him for giving her a ride home. Was this some kind of test to see if he would make the choice you wanted?


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

I feel like there has to be more to this story. A woman you have considered a "dear friend" for years one day makes some comment about your daughter's nose and all hell breaks loose. I don't know what the "more" is, I just feel like there has to be more.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

Vega said:


> I think the _truth_ is, that you really DIDN'T want him to hang out with them, but that you really couldn't TELL him that, because then _you'd_ come across as being 'controlling'.
> 
> ETA: I'm also willing to bet that this woman has NO CLUE that you're angry at her...
> 
> ...


Yeah, I smell a set up...


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## krismimo (Jan 26, 2011)

When it comes to boundaries you really can't be passive aggressive you needed to draw a clear line anyway. Here is the thing in all honesty I really don't see him doing anything wrong with giving her a ride to the grocery store with the kid in tow. I don't think you should have reacted they way you did it was too extreme. He was doing a small favor, I use to get rides all the time even with married men but I never did anything or did anything disrespectful neither did they, they would tell their wives or on occasion they would be there as well especially if they knew I was taking the bus that ain't pretty no matter where you are in LA. 

If you felt betrayed by her you should have said something, and at the very least you should have told him they you don't feel comfortable you didn't need to go ape***** on him. All you had to say is this " I know you wanted to be a nice guy and all and give her a ride to the store which is nice and all but the thing is I don't want her making a habit of getting rides from you since were not on good terms right now, I would appreciate it if you didn't give her anymore rides." Then give him a kiss on the cheek. Crisis averted.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

A_lady0430 said:


> First of all why is he giving a female co-workers a ride anywhere ? If I had told him I was at a grocery store with some guy from work guess what? All hell would've broke loose.


And if he did, that would also be a severe overreaction.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

Is there no gas station nearby for her to put gas in her own car? I mean, what is she going to do when she needs to go home?


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## The Cro-Magnon (Sep 30, 2012)

ChelseaBlue said:


> Your husband has been friends with this woman for a decade. You gave him permission to hang out with her if he wanted to. Now you are mad at him!
> 
> If you don't want him to hang with her tell him that. Don't get mad when he is doing what you said he could.


 yeah, but what is the woman to do? If she says "you cannot associate with her" then she's "being controlling". So she raises the issue, INFORMS the husband of the things the btch said ABOUT HIS OWN DAUGHTER, and leaves it in his hands with the disclaimer "hang with her if you want after what I just told you". And what does the bloke do? He HANGS OUT with her. No wonder the woman is upset, if one of my friends had said such things about my kids, and upset my wife, I would cut them hard. But this bloke doesn't even seem to care, and is, by his actions, placing his btch workmate above both his own wife, and his own children.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

Where is her husband? Maybe it is time to have a chat with him about his wife's behavior.


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## A_lady0430 (Oct 21, 2013)

Vega said:


> Whoa...wait a sec. At first you told him THIS:
> 
> 
> And now your p*ssed off at him for doing EXACTLY what you told him it would be _o.k_. for him to do? Heck, if I was in your h's shoes, I'd be confused as HECK at your attitude!
> ...



Well Gee since you KNOW your right then there it is.


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## A_lady0430 (Oct 21, 2013)

SaltInWound said:


> Is there no gas station nearby for her to put gas in her own car? I mean, what is she going to do when she needs to go home?


Thank you for your reply! My thoughts exactly this lady has no boundaries, and as for my husband he has no respect for me at all.


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## A_lady0430 (Oct 21, 2013)

Catherine602 said:


> What are the consequences for him? If everything at home is just the same then he has no incentive to say anything. You talk, if he acts cool don't chase him don't act angry. Be cool but polite. Don't do anything extra for him.
> 
> When you calm down, then talk. Think about what you are going to say. The theme should be respect. You expect it from him. Let him know that if he does not appreciate what you do for him you will cut back. Let him know that you assume that if giving rides to female friends regardless of how you feel that you will do the same with male friends.
> 
> ...


Oh no no I would never chase him around angry and for some reason some posters deduced from my OP that I went ape Sh!T on him. I did not. 

Yes I told him he can hang out with him if he pleased, maybe I should've been honest and told him how I really felt about him speaking to that family. I just though that with everything that lady had said he would take my side and not speak to them anymore. I was wrong. 

As for consequences to his actions I haven't put much thought into it , we have not spoken since he came home last night. I am still really upset about this whole situation

Thank you so much for your reply!


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

Men are often more literal than women. You may have meant "I don't feel good about you seeing this woman" but what you said was something more like "I don't care if you do" -- almost implying "well it's ok if YOU see her but I don't want to see her anymore myself because I'M too angry at her". This is apparently an old friend of his, so even if she did insult your daughter, it's not a small thing to expect him to just cut off all contact. Also, maybe he didn't hear what she said about your daughter the same way you did -- maybe it didn't come off as insulting to him.

But again, I feel like there is something more under the surface -- perhaps you feel like this woman has feelings for your husband, or he has feelings for her, or both? Perhaps you have a longer standing mistrust of her?


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## A_lady0430 (Oct 21, 2013)

zookeeper said:


> Yeah, I smell a set up...


A set up to what Zoo? What are you talking about ? You said in your last post that you personally wouldn't hang out with someone who insulted your daughter. Well my thoughts exactly! Even though I told him he could and never expected him too after what was said. 

It was a mistake for me to tell him it was O.K for him to hang out with them Yes, I know that know. Bottom line is he has no effing respect for me, had the tables been reversed and he told me not to speak to one of my friends for the same reason, you better believe I would back him up 100% 

Wow


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

YOU said he could hang out with her if he wished, so why the attitude? You're in the wrong, not him. And you call yourself "a lady". Hmm.


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## A_lady0430 (Oct 21, 2013)

John Lee said:


> Men are often more literal than women. You may have meant "I don't feel good about you seeing this woman" but what you said was something more like "I don't care if you do" -- almost implying "well it's ok if YOU see her but I don't want to see her anymore myself because I'M too angry at her". This is apparently an old friend of his, so even if she did insult your daughter, it's not a small thing to expect him to just cut off all contact. Also, maybe he didn't hear what she said about your daughter the same way you did -- maybe it didn't come off as insulting to him.
> 
> But again, I feel like there is something more under the surface -- perhaps you feel like this woman has feelings for your husband, or he has feelings for her, or both? Perhaps you have a longer standing mistrust of her?



John this lady personally told me she thought my husband was ugly and that he was lucky to have me. This was before my daughter was born. She also told me I was by far the prettiest girl he ever dated she had met some of his ex's. I really highly doubt she has feelings for my husband. Is she jealous that I live in a very pretty house, and a nice neighborhood perhaps. Also last year my husband was promoted to general manager of an entire group (he works for a NY based corporation). While she has applied for a promotion every year and gets denied every single year. To make matters worse she owns a dog kennel (pitbulls) and her house smells of dog urine and feces. It was pure jealousy that drove the nasty comments. I knew that then and I know that now. She was never my friend so I decided to cut her off for good. 

I thought my husband would as well but I was wrong.

Thanks for your reply btw =)


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## A_lady0430 (Oct 21, 2013)

Married but Happy said:


> YOU said he could hang out with her if he wished, so why the attitude? You're in the wrong, not him. And you call yourself "a lady". Hmm.


Excuse me ? Your implying I am not a lady? I guess from here on out I should ignore stupid comments like yours and only focus on the people that give good advice. This website is totally worth it because of them. 

Yikes!


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## A_lady0430 (Oct 21, 2013)

loudernx said:


> The theme should be respect. You expect it from him. Let him know that if he does not appreciate what you do for him you will cut back.


Thank you! I will =)


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

A_lady0430 said:


> John this lady personally told me she thought my husband was ugly and that he was lucky to have me. This was before my daughter was born. She also told me I was by far the prettiest girl he ever dated she had met some of his ex's. I really highly doubt she has feelings for my husband. Is she jealous that I live in a very pretty house, and a nice neighborhood perhaps. Also last year my husband was promoted to general manager of an entire group (he works for a NY based corporation). While she has applied for a promotion every year and gets denied every single year. To make matters worse she owns a dog kennel (pitbulls) and her house smells of dog urine and feces. It was pure jealousy that drove the nasty comments. I knew that then and I know that now. She was never my friend so I decided to cut her off for good.
> 
> I thought my husband would as well but I was wrong.
> 
> Thanks for your reply btw =)


I think instead of sitting around fuming about how your husband has "no respect" for you, you need to talk to him about the situation. The fact is, you DID say that he could keep hanging out with her, so you can't really say he "disrespected" you by giving her a ride. It does sound like you've had a problem with her that goes back further than this incident, and maybe it was just the last straw, is that right?

By the way I would not assume that she has no interest in your husband just because she said he was "ugly" -- that could be her twisted way of expressing jealousy or denying her feelings. You also mention that she says you are prettier than the other women he dated, and that sounds like jealousy to me. And plus her need to ask your husband for a ride when it doesn't sound like she "really" needed one is fishy. She does sound a bit toxic and I don't blame you for not liking her. But as far as your husband not having "respect" for you -- I think that's a little unfair to him, given that you didn't make it clear at all that you wanted him to stop hanging out with her. I think you need to talk to him in a way that makes your feelings clear without accusing him of anything.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

Like "you're too good for him" could be a funny way of rationalizing "he should be with me." Maybe she's been frustrated in their "friendship" all this time, secretly sort of pining for him. He's respected in their workplace, he has a good job, a position of power. She sounds like a bit of a mess. I'm only stabbing in the dark so don't take what I say as the definite truth, just suggesting possibilities.


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## A_lady0430 (Oct 21, 2013)

John Lee said:


> I think instead of sitting around fuming about how your husband has "no respect" for you, you need to talk to him about the situation. The fact is, you DID say that he could keep hanging out with her, so you can't really say he "disrespected" you by giving her a ride. It does sound like you've had a problem with her that goes back further than this incident, and maybe it was just the last straw, is that right?
> 
> By the way I would not assume that she has no interest in your husband just because she said he was "ugly" -- that could be her twisted way of expressing jealousy or denying her feelings. You also mention that she says you are prettier than the other women he dated, and that sounds like jealousy to me. And plus her need to ask your husband for a ride when it doesn't sound like she "really" needed one is fishy. She does sound a bit toxic and I don't blame you for not liking her. But as far as your husband not having "respect" for you -- I think that's a little unfair to him, given that you didn't make it clear at all that you wanted him to stop hanging out with her. I think you need to talk to him in a way that makes your feelings clear without accusing him of anything.



John thank you so much I really appreciate your input. Another thing I agree with you 100%!!! I will speak to him and pretty much take your advice on everything you said.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

A_lady0430 said:


> John thank you so much I really appreciate your input. Another thing I agree with you 100%!!! I will speak to him and pretty much take your advice on everything you said.


Well gee, glad it was helpful. By the way, I don't necessarily think you should bring up the stuff I said about her maybe having feelings for him -- (1) not clear if it's true or not and (2) might cause more trouble to bring it up. Just stick to what bothered you. And be prepared to hear him out too, even if you don't agree with him.


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## A_lady0430 (Oct 21, 2013)

John Lee said:


> Like "you're too good for him" could be a funny way of rationalizing "he should be with me." Maybe she's been frustrated in their "friendship" all this time, secretly sort of pining for him. He's respected in their workplace, he has a good job, a position of power. She sounds like a bit of a mess. I'm only stabbing in the dark so don't take what I say as the definite truth, just suggesting possibilities.


Oh Wow I never thought about it like that. Perhaps your right maybe this goes a lot more deeper than I expected. She is a huge mess not to mention her husband verbally abuses her in front of people. She has been married for over 13 years so I don't excuse her nasty behavior because of her husbands abusive tendencies. That's whole other issue!


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

A_lady0430 said:


> Oh Wow I never thought about it like that. Perhaps your right maybe this goes a lot more deeper than I expected. She is a huge mess not to mention her husband verbally abuses her in front of people. She has been married for over 13 years so I don't excuse her nasty behavior because of* her husbands abusive tendencies*. That's whole other issue!


Oh dear. So your husband is her knight in shining armor?


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## ChelseaBlue (Mar 5, 2012)

A problem that occurs frequently in any relationship is one side saying one thing while thinking something else, and expecting the other to understand not only what was said, but also what was not said.

Communication in any relationship must be open and honest. We can't expect our partner to read between the lines, or read our mind. If we speak honestly, and make sure the point we want to make is understood, we have a much better chance of having the relationship we hope for.


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## TikiKeen (Oct 14, 2013)

Ok, so H seems either clueless or disrespectful, depending on who is asked. Work lady is just a case, and is in an abusive relationship; Salt nailed that one spot-on. You communicated indirectly, with hopes he would take your side and cease contact because your feelings were hurt. 

You gave him two options, and he took the less painful, less conflict-laden option. Easier way, if you will.

Directly stating that you are uncomfortable with his actions, disagree with them, and that she is a toxic friend is necessary. re-explain that when a spouse's friend insults pretty much the entire couple, that friend is no friend at all. He married you, not the work lady. Remind him of that.

In the future, it's worth taking the risk of saying true things he won't like to make sure that he understands your standpoint and how much you value the marriage.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

A_lady0430 said:


> *It was a mistake for me to tell him it was O.K for him to hang out with them* Yes, I know that know. Bottom line is he has no effing respect for me, *had the tables been reversed and he told me not to speak to one of my friends for the same reason, you better believe I would back him up 100% *
> 
> Wow


The tables wouldn't be reversed if he had told you not to speak to a friend. You did not tell him he shouldn't speak to her. You told him the opposite - that it was ok for him to hang out with her.

Maybe he doesn't want to rock the boat at the office. If he cuts her off like you want him to (but never told him), he might not want to deal with the awkwardness or hostility when seeing her at work.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

A_lady0430 said:


> A set up to what Zoo? What are you talking about ? You said in your last post that you personally wouldn't hang out with someone who insulted your daughter. Well my thoughts exactly! Even though I told him he could and never expected him too after what was said.
> 
> It was a mistake for me to tell him it was O.K for him to hang out with them Yes, I know that know. Bottom line is he has no effing respect for me, had the tables been reversed and he told me not to speak to one of my friends for the same reason, you better believe I would back him up 100%
> 
> Wow


A setup in that you wanted him to do something but told him that it was ok to do something else. You set him up for failure. You knew he wouldn't stop talking to her so you told him it was ok. Then you got angry with him for doing exactly what you explicitly gave him permission to do. 




A_lady0430 said:


> John this lady personally told me she thought my husband was ugly and that he was lucky to have me. This was before my daughter was born.


So she insulted your husband to you but you felt no need to stop talking to her then. Where was your respect for your husband? Do you not see the hypocrisy?


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

zookeeper said:


> So she insulted your husband to you but you felt no need to stop talking to her then. *Where was your respect for your husband?* Do you not see the hypocrisy?


Yes, I noticed this too, Zookeeper.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Tell me only what I want to hear thread.


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## ChelseaBlue (Mar 5, 2012)

richie33 said:


> Tell me only what I want to hear ......


Richie, you are intelligent, good looking, a man we all look up to, and a true catch for any woman.


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## Writer (Aug 3, 2012)

Reading this entire thing, I will say that I can sympathize with you about not wanting him to give her a ride based on what she said about my husband and, then, my child. Of course, I wouldn't have remained quiet when she insulted my husband.

However, you need to tell him so. Don't expect anyone to read your mind. No one knows what goes on in another person's head. Your husband may have just taken the easy way out, so there was less conflict. He, also, could be playing knight in shining armor to her because of her abusive relationship. 

It's not fair to him for you to get in an argument about something that you told him was alright. How was he suppose to know that you didn't want him to hang out with her, regardless of her comment about your child, when you told him that he could?

Communication is one of the foundations of a healthy marriage. Talk to him calmly and clearly about things that you don't agree with. Be prepared to hear his rebuttals in such talks with an open mind. Most of all, stop telling him he can do something and, then, getting angry about it later.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

You need to change your boundaries. Being civil at during work and at work only. I don't buy your h's story of the grocery store. 

No one in their right mind would say such a nasty thing about a child. To me, this sounds like there was more going on between those two and she's jealous that your married to him, therefore saying those awful things to make herself better.(this is speculation of course). You need to do some secret digging and find proof there's more going on. Your h is just as responsible as this ow is. 

I highly suspect they're having an affair.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

A_lady0430 said:


> He comes home he doesn't say anything. He doesn't ask me why I am angry ,he doesn't care.


I think your husband sees this as your issues and not his. Just because you decided you were not going to have anything more to do with this lady doesn't mean he automatically climbs on-board with the same idea too. This is his co-worker and has been for years and just because you are mad doesn't mean he has to be, or even has to side with you on this.


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