# The kids, the kids, the kids...



## LovingHearts (Sep 3, 2012)

Really, that's all that's keeping me here. In my mind, I keep saying that things will just have to work out for the kids. I read the book "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay," and at least half of the questions pointed toward leaving. If you've read the book, you know that even if one question points to leaving, for the most part, it means the author believes you'd be better off leaving. 

I am 34 and my husband is 35. We married five years ago and have a 4 year old and a 1 year old. I am a physician assistant and he is a computer technician, but currently, a stay at home dad. He is depressed and tired. Our relationship is dead. We do not touch or hug or kiss. Sex hasn't happened in over 6 months at least. I can't even say I love him anymore. We have been through so much. When I had the baby, I had a very rough post-partum course in that I developed sepsis and nearly died. Even at that point, I did not see care or worry or love in his eyes. He was too proud to ask for help with the baby/toddler to be with me at the hospital. It still hurts that I sat in my hospital room not knowing if he even cared. Sometimes, he will say things like, "That's why I hate you." It could be about anything. He stays up late playing fantasy sports and when I ask him to go to bed earlier so he can be awake to watch the kids, he says, "What else do I have to live for?" He is depressed, I know. But at the same, I am overwhelmed. I have a job where I work 60 hours/week and barely see my babies. I miss them so much. We had decided that I was going to work until the youngest was 18 months or so. But my husband hasn't even started looking for a job. He doesn't enjoy staying home. But he got himself fired a couple years ago, which is what started me really questioning him. I feel like he's irresponsible. I used to think he's a good guy, but now I don't even think that. He used to love me so much and now he says he does, but I feel nothing. He kept saying while I was getting my masters to become a PA that I was going to leave him when I was done. It's almost like a self-fulfilling prophecy. I never intended to, but it's gotten so bad and I feel so badly about myself in this relationship that I just feel like I have to get out. My job sucks (thankfully I'll be starting a new on in 1.5 months so I can see my kids more and have a life ...but he doesn't support that because of a huge paycut). I have been under duress at work like I've never experienced. And I don't have a warm, loving home. My safe home is being with my kids. I love them to pieces and don't want to destroy their home. My daughter (4) is already anxious. But I don't want her growing up thinking it's normal for a mommy and daddy not to hug or touch or tell each other they love each other. But that is her experience right now.

So much on my mind. I feel like this relationship has nothing left but the kids (and according to the aforementioned book, kids alone are not enough to have in common).

Not sure what to do. My heart is breaking. I just don't ever see liking or loving my husband again.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

I'm sorry, has he addresses is depresion with a professional? Is it the depresion or has he always been distant as in no hugging or kissing?

Could you benefit or tired marriage counseling? I can feel your fustration in your writing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

Agree you two could use counseling. Can't say it will work but it is better than the status quo.


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## naga75 (Jul 5, 2012)

LovingHearts said:


> But I don't want her growing up thinking it's normal for a mommy and daddy not to hug or touch or tell each other they love each other.


its not.
you don't want her to grow up thinking it, so don't live it.
otherwise, she has no choice but to think it.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

LovingHearts said:


> Not sure what to do. My heart is breaking. I just don't ever see liking or loving my husband again.


So much of what you described is how I would describe myself and my wife and my kids over the past several years.

And, early this year the pain and drama got so unbearable I became completely hopeless of any sort of future together, and yet still felt trapped and unable to ever consider leaving. After 20 or so years together, and 13 years with the kids, I had never reached the point where I felt like it's just a matter of time before one of us dies (not at anyone's hands, just from the stress still coming in and the zero prospects for change, ever.)

It's hard to put into words, and, for now, I need to get back to my job. But, I want to also relay it *seems* we just hit bottom, and there are changes and reasons to hope I hadn't seen or felt possible before. And, I'm to the point where I believe within the next year, I will have a much better life -- probably with my wife, but if not I will have some peace about my decision to leave.

I'd like to express how I've gotten to this more hopeful place, recently, if you are interested. But I'm short on time now.

But, at the risk of being blunt, biased, and wrong:

1) the depression has to be treated; you may have to push him, but he will need to take responsiblity at some point.

2) your handling of the depression so far needs to be looked at; in my relationship, each of us mis-handled the symptoms and bad behavior we got dumped on us by the other

3) having kids is very very hard for some folks, especially my wife and I

4) I see little point in MC until both have IC and have made progress to change in ways that make connecting with each other and being happy in difficult situations possible (I have no proof of that).

5) Don't let his obvious problems distract you from finding better ways of being -- better ways of dealing with the relationship, is inactivity, distance.

6) Allowing myself to see that leaving would be better for my kids than staying like this, gave me the freedom to define what needed to change for me to not walk away 6 months from now.

Some or none of that might really apply to you. Mostly a brain-dump about me.

I wish you the best.

And, fwiw, it's been a very long time since I thought my wife and I had any chance of being loving towards each other as a normal state. But, somehow, I'm feeling that is possible now.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

Piece of Sky, that is an intelligent analysis. Your suggestions are good.


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## LovingHearts (Sep 3, 2012)

Thanks everyone. I have been speaking with my therapist and she said my first move is to fix my job situation, which I did. I am starting a new job at the beginning of June. I will have more time with my kids. But I am going to have to push my husband to get the depression treated. And he needs to get a job. I think him being at home all the time is making him significantly worse. Even if it's a part-time job, he needs to do something to feel like he's not just taking care of kids all the time.

I just cannot see myself loving him. But I am going to take this a step a time. I will start my new job and push him to get his depression treated and get a job. Once that is done, I will then see how it's going. Maybe we can reconnect. I don't see it happening unless he changes back to the person he was before. And I need to work on me as I feel like he brings me down so much. I need to work on the codependence.

Anyway, I guess my point is, I am going to get everything else fixed first and then decide what to do with my marriage. I don't think it's fair to make decisions while my husband is depressed and I'm completely stressed out from work.

As an aside, I was told at my job yesterday they are letting me go as of May 3. I hadn't given my notice, but I'm thankful that I have another job. They basically said I'm good at what I do, but it is obvious this job is stressing me out to the max because it's too many hours and I have young kids. It was pretty much a mutual decision, but I broke down in tears because I've never been let go before. They basically said they made the decision now because my 6 month probationary period is up soon and they know that I'm not happy and don't want to do all elements of the job they want me to do. And I don't. They knew I wanted a different job, so I can't blame them. At first I bawled like a baby; then I realized that I am incredibly relieved that I'm leaving, even if I was "let go." My new job will be a great fit, I believe. They're letting me finish out my time until May 3, so I'm glad for that at least. But my relationship with my husband is so strained, I did not tell him about this. He doesn't know my last day is May 3 yet. He knows I start my new job at the beginning of May. It's just sad I can't share this with the person I'm supposed to love.


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