# Husband with addictive personality



## BecauseSheWeeps (9 mo ago)

Hi all! I don't even know where to begin or what I am looking for. I guess I need to just vent and whatever you want to leave advice wise - I will take it. My husband is in active addiction whether he wants to admit it or not. He used to do hard drugs - heroin, meth, bath salts. He kicked that crap about 4 years ago. He has used Coke three times that I know of in the past 3 years and is an active alcoholic. He has anywhere between 5 to 12 drinks a day. He talks about stopping and says that he wants to but I just don't see how it is possible when all of his friends are bar buddies. I would love for him to just go to church with me and get right with God but he doesn't feel that he is wrong with God. I don't entirely disagree with him because God ALWAYS answers our prayers in some way, shape or form but we still have this demon sitting in our house. I've been told to give him ultimatums (either quit drinking or I'm leaving) but at what point is that supportive to my husband? Ultimately, I just want him to be ok. He was having issues with his pancreas from drinking too much beer and somehow he figured out that if he drinks the seltzers, his pancreas doesn't swell? I just don't know what to do or how to do it. I'm not much of a drinker. I was raised by an abusive alcoholic so it does run through my veins and I know how to hold my own. I can easily just sit and drink A BEER on an occasional night, no problem and not have one for weeks. I try to tell him no when he offers me one of his drinks but sometimes I will sit and have one with him. I've told him many times, I have no problem with not drinking. Maybe I just shouldn't.


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

Time to get him to some AA meetings and you to some Al-alon meetings.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (9 mo ago)

thunderchad said:


> Time to get him to some AA meetings and you to some Al-alon meetings.


I really don't disagree with the Al-Anon meetings. I come from a family full of addicts and I'm currently dealing with trying to help my closest cousin to getting the treatment that he needs. Does AA really help though? My father would always go to AA to find buddies to drink with.


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> Does AA really help though?


I know a lot of people who AA helped, and it's free. He probably needs a sponsor to help him through.

The alternative is rehab but that's very expensive.


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

Most importantly, there's very little a spouse can do for an addict. They need professional help. This is where AA, rehab, and addiction counseling can help.

I dont think church is going to do anything.


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

None of it will do anything if he doesn't want the help, unfortunately. He needs a big incentive to get clean and sober, which is probably why it's been suggested that you give him an ultimatum.

What about starting with some boundaries? AA or you leave or No drinking in the house, or you walk out and stay elsewhere until he is sober. Let him miss you (because he will definitely test the boundaries and you must follow through). He will then probably stay out drinking someplace else, feeling guilty for making you leave your home. One of you will eventually decide enough is enough and get sober or leave.

There is a saying "keep doing what you're doing, keep getting what you're getting." He won't just change. At this point, he's killing himself and probably can't change all by himself. You don't want to sit around and watch him drink himself to death.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> Hi all! I don't even know where to begin or what I am looking for. I guess I need to just vent and whatever you want to leave advice wise - I will take it. My husband is in active addiction whether he wants to admit it or not. He used to do hard drugs - heroin, meth, bath salts. He kicked that crap about 4 years ago. He has used Coke three times that I know of in the past 3 years and is an active alcoholic. He has anywhere between 5 to 12 drinks a day. He talks about stopping and says that he wants to but I just don't see how it is possible when all of his friends are bar buddies. I would love for him to just go to church with me and get right with God but he doesn't feel that he is wrong with God. I don't entirely disagree with him because God ALWAYS answers our prayers in some way, shape or form but we still have this demon sitting in our house. I've been told to give him ultimatums (either quit drinking or I'm leaving) but at what point is that supportive to my husband? Ultimately, I just want him to be ok. He was having issues with his pancreas from drinking too much beer and somehow he figured out that if he drinks the seltzers, his pancreas doesn't swell? I just don't know what to do or how to do it. I'm not much of a drinker. I was raised by an abusive alcoholic so it does run through my veins and I know how to hold my own. I can easily just sit and drink A BEER on an occasional night, no problem and not have one for weeks. I try to tell him no when he offers me one of his drinks but sometimes I will sit and have one with him. I've told him many times, I have no problem with not drinking. Maybe I just shouldn't.


My father is an alcoholic.
My personal experience with alcohol is that I can drink more than average before it has an effect on my perceptions and reactions. 
I find that reason enough to not drink. I take that as a sign that I have the same tendency to become a drunk that my father was. 
If you don't miss it, you're just as well off to keep missing it, imo.

You can't change him, because he has to want to change. 
However, addictive personalities are biologically based because their serotonin receptors are harder to trigger than most people. 
The most you can expect from him is to become addicted to something personally fulfilling, if he can become convinced to change.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (9 mo ago)

thunderchad said:


> I know a lot of people who AA helped, and it's free. He probably needs a sponsor to help him through.
> 
> The alternative is rehab but that's very expensive.


He has made mention of that one before, that he would be willing to do inpatient rehab.


jonty30 said:


> My father is an alcoholic.
> My personal experience with alcohol is that I can drink more than average before it has an effect on my perceptions and reactions.
> I find that reason enough to not drink. I take that as a sign that I have the same tendency to become a drunk that my father was.
> If you don't miss it, you're just as well off to keep missing it, imo.
> ...


I agree with you about everything that you just said. I watched my father die from drinking too much. It was the hardest thing that I will ever have to face but it helped shape me in to who I am. 
I agree about finding something personally fulfilling to change his addiction to alcohol. When his son is around - he doesn't drink as much. That becomes his addiction. He needs to reshape his focus.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (9 mo ago)

theloveofmylife said:


> None of it will do anything if he doesn't want the help, unfortunately. He needs a big incentive to get clean and sober, which is probably why it's been suggested that you give him an ultimatum.
> 
> What about starting with some boundaries? AA or you leave or No drinking in the house, or you walk out and stay elsewhere until he is sober. Let him miss you (because he will definitely test the boundaries and you must follow through). He will then probably stay out drinking someplace else, feeling guilty for making you leave your home. One of you will eventually decide enough is enough and get sober or leave.
> 
> There is a saying "keep doing what you're doing, keep getting what you're getting." He won't just change. At this point, he's killing himself and probably can't change all by himself. You don't want to sit around and watch him drink himself to death.


An ultimatum wouldn't work on him. It would just piss him off and make him want to do it more. He does try to slow down to get himself to where he can stop. But then something pops up that just gets in the way emotionally and then we have to start all over. It has become his crutch and that's the issue.


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> An ultimatum wouldn't work on him. It would just piss him off and make him want to do it more. He does try to slow down to get himself to where he can stop. But then something pops up that just gets in the way emotionally and then we have to start all over. It has become his crutch and that's the issue.


Yep, a never ending cycle of excuses. 

I suggest al-anon, so you can at least save yourself.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (9 mo ago)

theloveofmylife said:


> Yep, a never ending cycle of excuses.
> 
> I suggest al-anon, so you can at least save yourself.


Please tell me that you have a husband with the same issues? You've dealt with this situation before?


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

Former live in. I had to save myself.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (9 mo ago)

theloveofmylife said:


> Former live in. I had to save myself.


That doesn't answer the question. A former live in, can simply just be a roommate. Or your brother. Not your spouse.


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

I didn't realize it was unclear. Live in SO that I was with for several years and had a child with but not spouse.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (9 mo ago)

So you had a child with a person that you weren't in a relationship with?


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

I was in a relationship, yes. Married, no. Go ahead and take it out on me if it makes you feel better.

I was trying to help, but you clearly aren't ready to hear it. 

Best of luck.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> Please tell me that you have a husband with the same issues? You've dealt with this situation before?


Why?


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## BecauseSheWeeps (9 mo ago)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Why?


That wasn't directed towards you. Sorry if you took it that way. I'm new here and still learning how to work this thing.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (9 mo ago)

theloveofmylife said:


> I was in a relationship, yes. Married, no. Go ahead and take it out on me if it makes you feel better.
> 
> I was trying to help, but you clearly aren't ready to hear it.
> 
> Best of luck.


I am by no means trying to take it out on you. Just trying to figure out what you mean and where you are coming from. Technically, if you were in a relationship with the person - that would make them spouse, wouldn't it? Or is spouse only used if a couple is married?


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## Rooster2015 (Jun 12, 2015)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> Hi all! I don't even know where to begin or what I am looking for. I guess I need to just vent and whatever you want to leave advice wise - I will take it. My husband is in active addiction whether he wants to admit it or not. He used to do hard drugs - heroin, meth, bath salts. He kicked that crap about 4 years ago. He has used Coke three times that I know of in the past 3 years and is an active alcoholic. He has anywhere between 5 to 12 drinks a day. He talks about stopping and says that he wants to but I just don't see how it is possible when all of his friends are bar buddies. I would love for him to just go to church with me and get right with God but he doesn't feel that he is wrong with God. I don't entirely disagree with him because God ALWAYS answers our prayers in some way, shape or form but we still have this demon sitting in our house. I've been told to give him ultimatums (either quit drinking or I'm leaving) but at what point is that supportive to my husband? Ultimately, I just want him to be ok. He was having issues with his pancreas from drinking too much beer and somehow he figured out that if he drinks the seltzers, his pancreas doesn't swell? I just don't know what to do or how to do it. I'm not much of a drinker. I was raised by an abusive alcoholic so it does run through my veins and I know how to hold my own. I can easily just sit and drink A BEER on an occasional night, no problem and not have one for weeks. I try to tell him no when he offers me one of his drinks but sometimes I will sit and have one with him. I've told him many times, I have no problem with not drinking. Maybe I just shouldn't.


My wife’s ex husband died at fifty five years old from liver failure due to being an alcoholic. Let him think about that!


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

If you want advice from people who have been in your shoes, your best bet is Al-anon.

Depending on where you live, you could find a meeting to drop in on yet this week. Maybe tomorrow. There may even be meetings online these days (I don’t know).

Do you want to go to one, and see first hand what might be there for you? Will you go?


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## BecauseSheWeeps (9 mo ago)

Rooster2015 said:


> My wife’s ex husband died at fifty five years old from liver failure due to being an alcoholic. Let him think about that!


My father died at the young age of 42 from liver failure. So we both know all too well of what it can do.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (9 mo ago)

PieceOfSky said:


> If you want advice from people who have been in your shoes, your best bet is Al-anon.
> 
> Depending on where you live, you could find a meeting to drop in on yet this week. Maybe tomorrow. There may even be meetings online these days (I don’t know).
> 
> Do you want to go to one, and see first hand what might be there for you? Will you go?


I found an online source for it. I'm not sure that there is one in my local area


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