# Any Words of Advice



## What goes Around... (Mar 22, 2012)

Let me tell the whole story first:

- Spouse fell in love with OM, cheated, and betrayed our marriage under horrible lying, conniving and manipulative circumstances.
- Spouse files for divorce March 11.
- Spouse immediately pushing her relationship with OM to the fullest. (Says "I never intended to fall in love")
- Spouse files a petition for primary custody (although kept saying she would be OK w 50:50 of our two kids (10 and 6) in May. Although she said she'd be OK with 50:50, she would not drop her petition.
- We were cohabitating in the marital home from March til June.
- Spouse advocated she would move from the house. My attorney was worried about motives, financially and relating to the OM.
- I was concerned about such as well, especially pre-mature exposure of her relationship to my kids. My spouse balked at our stipulations for a move out, and seemed very peeved about the "The OM is not to be anywhere near my kids" at this time.
- Spouse knowing how much I felt hurt and betrayed by the extramrital shenanigans, provoked me with the most awful things she could possibly say regarding the OM prowess and me. This led to me throwing a glass of soda at her, and an extremely mild push off my presence as she verbally assaulted me while in my face. This act of emotion (nothing really physical) has changed my life forever in an extremely unfair way. 
- Spouse files a PFA against me. (Everybody states the incident was probably pre-planned)
- The very next day, spouse files for APL/support and Sole Exclusive Possession of our marital home
- For the summer of 11 I was living in and out of hotel rooms and half the time (or more) with my kids.
- I secured a 3 BR apartment, spent lots of money for furnishings.
- APL/support has me paying her 3100 bucks a month, while I have my kids 50:50 and support an apartment as she continues to live in the marital home. I am going broke with legal fees
- Custody hearing, the master suggests 50:50. Spouse balks, but agreed to try it for a couple of months (we were already doing such for 3 months) with an established patterned schedule suggested by the master.
- There was to be a follow up hearing, but we came to an agreement to continue 50:50 outside the court room. Our attorneys drafted it up, and it was put into motion. 
- For exchange of sole exclusive possession of the marital home, the PFA charge was dropped (a decision to not fight, I regret to this day).
- The court order states that I am not allowed to "enter the marital premises" wo an agreed upon third party present and wo spouse's permission. It never says I am not allowed to walk "onto" my property. Just "Into" the premises.
- Spouse has been trying to manipulate custody schedules to use me as a default babysitter as she goes out partying w the other man. I stated that I will be flexible with business dealings, but not leisure, as she masquerades everything as "business". O(She tries to use me, then requires me to allow her to make up the time w the kids).
- Out of the 9 months I've been out of my house, I've been back to my place maybe 7 times. 2 agreed for me to enter. The others to check up on my property when she wasn't there (only walked on the driveway up to the garage, no entry into the house).

All along in this saga, I have been extremely worried about the OM. #1 he is also a mutual adulterer who was cheating on his wife. He's known to have anger issues. He is flat broke, no credit, blows off his now financial obligations with his STBEX and kids.....but the man is freeloading in my house and now often travels w my wife on business, but doesn't pay for it. My children have also stated things over the months about "Mommy and the OM" that had me concerned for their emotional well being.

During the only times I went back to my house, every single time the guy's car is hidden in my garage (while mine is put in the driveway getting polluted by the elements). (My spouse removed my car from the garage to hide his). He is now effectively cohabitating in my house (one that I pay into with APL/support). I am 100% sure he's been snuck into my house when my kids are there wo their knowledge. He uses the office space all day long, and uses the house to shelter his kids the only few times he can muster circumstances for an overnight stay, because he can't afford a place to house his own kids. He is therefore a deadbeat and a freeloader as far as I'm concerned.

This would tick any man off especially considering the amount of $$ I pay into the house. However in response to an emergency custody petition I threw, my spouse stated she has no intentions of moving the guy in. Sorry! The OM lives in my house. I know it, and his estranged wife knows it.

I set out to prove cohabitation for two reasons. 1. Concern for my kids and to prove my spouse lied in court documents. 2. cohabitation can affect alimony post divorce decree, and current support during separation, if he contributes to the house. I also deserve to know who my kids are being exposed to under my residential roof.

When my spouse was not home (but kids were with a babysitter), I placed a covert rock camera on my own property, next to my car pointing at the garage (which is viewable from the street). I did not point it in any area of privacy. Just my garage, to motion detect how often the dude is staying at my house. I was mostly trying to show him being snuck in, when I know my children are there. (BTW, psychologists do warm against premature introductions to new relationships, nevermind cohabitation of a new man in their childhood home).

Well, I got caught. Spouse found the camera. The police is pressing criminal charges against me for "stalking", and breaking the sole exclusive possession court order...all from her pushing. She has also filed for contempt against me, and now has filed a new petition to modify custody (of which I countered for primary).

I am no stalker folks. I never see the woman unless the kids are present. I do not follow her, and as said I've been by my house maybe a handful of times (when she's not even there) in the course of 9 months. The accusation claims my motive was to catch her comings and goings. That is just not true. It was to prove cohabitation and catching a potential dicey circumstance in relation to my kids.

Anybody feel if this really can be construed as stalking? Come on, a camera on my garage, one that was placed when she wasn't even there? 

The fight against the contempt is that the court order was ambiguous. I never thought I can't walk onto my own damn property especially when I don't have a PFA against me. I also know that I am far from any threat. I have never been physical with anybody my entire life, nevermind my spouse. Not being able to walk on my property would be no different than if I had a PFA against me as far as I'm concerned.

I need advice for my story board to fight these allegations. I simply had legitimate concerns about my kids and really wanted to prove cohabitation for my divorce proceedings. Am I screwed here? (Please note again, the camera was not in a place of privacy. What would have been recorded is in direct view of the street. I also own the home (1/2 legally) and still pay into it.)

Sigh!! Man I'm stressed. I really do think my motives were sound, but I now really regret what I attempted.


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## justwhy (Dec 7, 2011)

Step back for a while... Your kids will be around the OM it hurts but when you meet someone your kid will me her too. I know it's too early for your wife to do this but it already happening. I believe you need to heal because your action are creepy. You have to do what is best for your kids and move on.. If she wants a loser, let her be...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## What goes Around... (Mar 22, 2012)

Oh, I've stepped back. Been nowhere near my house since. (Also again, in 9 months, I've been there about 5 times...to check up on my own property when she was away.

I agree I have some healing to do. However, I do not want to say that me placing a camera on my own garage is "Creepy". If I placed it towards her bedroom, or the bathroom, yeah, sure. But the camera was pointed only towards the garage, which is clearly visible from public view. The garage door goes up, the camera gets tripped, records the guys car going in, the door goes down, camera stops, the garage goes up, the dude's car leaves. All date stamped to show how often he is there....in my house....with my kids....who have said concerning things throughout the months.

My intentions had nothing to do with my spouse and her relationship or any other specifics. It had to do with my fears for my kid's well being, and how his cohabitation could play into financial matters associated with my divorce. I don't see that being creepy.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

You need legal advice, not the kind of advice freely available here. 

"Premises" could be construed to mean the yard, garage, etc. You were angry and you made an assumption about what it meant, then acted on that assumption. Try to keep your emotions separate from your behavior. That's the only advice I can suggest. 

And please try to understand that many, many, many people become furious with their spouses--but they don't throw soda in their face or push them off. The right thing to do is to walk away. The fact that you want people to see it your way--b/c it's the sort of thing that would tick any guy off, and was "mild," etc.--suggests that you want to make excuses for your bad behavior. The more you do that, the bigger the hole you are digging for yourself. Regardless of what happened, the way you present it works against you. Next time, walk away so you don't have to try to make it sound worse than it already does.


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## What goes Around... (Mar 22, 2012)

I never said I was "proud" of throwing the soda (was the contents of a glass mind you, not a can or glass). 

You must understand that what my spouse said at that time could not have been any more stabbing in light of her behaviors and betrayal. Again, that does not exactly forgive my behavior, but in the circumstances, it is not all that horrible. 

I take it you are female. What if you found your husband cheating and was lying about oh so many circumstances. You were hurt. then your husband comes into your face gritting his teeth and says "You've been a lousy lay for ever. You are frigid, give lousy head, and are more lame than you could ever imagine, and you are a lousy mother!! How would you respond after being as wounded as you were. The situation was provoked, to get me out of the house and the new dude in.

The PFA is off topic. I am not happy what I did, but I give myself a break. I have never hit this woman in a 16 year relationship. We have never had any domestic issues whatsoever. Contents of a glass of soda after manipulative infidelity followed by verbal abuse. I must be a criminal.


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## What goes Around... (Mar 22, 2012)

<<"Premises" could be construed to mean the yard, garage, etc. You were angry and you made an assumption about what it meant, then acted on that assumption. Try to keep your emotions separate from your behavior. That's the only advice I can suggest. <<

Does one walk onto or into a yard. Does one walk onto or into a house. Into the premises to me is clearly into the house. If it was written "into or onto the property", that'd be a different story. Onto the property would be the yard. 

Why would I think I can't walk onto my own damn yard without a restraining order on me. If a UPS guys, or a Jehovia witness could walk up my driveway and knock on my door, why couldn't I , with my kids living there, in a house that I pay into and own, with no legal aspects of restraining orders.

What I did (camera) was not emotion driven (not to say I haven't been emotional). I though about it for weeks and discussed things with my attorney beforehand. Proving cohabitation to be used in my divorce proceedings and custody considerations. That is all.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Hire a PI. This is [email protected] up on so many levels. Go visit some men rights forums.


Try this www.reddit.com/r/mensrights for one..Google and search for others


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## What goes Around... (Mar 22, 2012)

Is what is F-d up the circumstance, or the sheer notion I placed a camera down. I'll assume since you recommended a PI, you mean the former.

Believe me, I looked into PIs here. My property, unfortunately is not easily surveiall-able as it is off a busy street with no off street parking. There was a firm that would do exactly what I did...exactly, but they wanted to charge me 7500 bucks for 1 week of surveillance something I can't afford right now. This is why I attempted it myself, that I got caught, I guess a PI sting might get caught too.

Many people suggested the situation is fodder for a PI. I just couldn't swing it.


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