# Visual Cheating and Bad Sex



## Noelle1984 (Feb 12, 2013)

I'd like to hear advice from other individuals who have been in relationships like mine, or were in a relationship like this and what finally caused you to leave it and how do you feel now that it's over.

My husband and I married young, at 24, after we had dated for 3 years. We're now 28, so we've been together in total for about 7 years. 

We had some passion in the beginning while we were dating but we were dating long distance and I always figured that the pent up sexual energy would transfer into a normal non-distance relationship. When we met I was looking for someone who was stable, fun, compassionate, family oriented, etc etc.. and he fit the bill as he acted this way. The man I dated prior to him was controlling and I was looking for someone I could enjoy being with, without either of us trying to control every aspect of our lives. And we were great together at first. I really felt that we were a great match and we had a good few years until right after we got married we moved to a new state, moved across the country actually. Right after we moved my husband started going to strip clubs with his new guy friends, watching porn all the time at home, and looking at naked pictures of women online all the time. I confronted him about it, told him that it made me feel ugly and it hurt my feelings, making me feel like I wasn't good enough for him, and that I felt like he didn't value me. With all of that said, I also offered to meet him half way and watch porn with him since I figured it would help bring us together. But he declined and told me that he believed us watching it together was strange, and he'd rather just give porn up. 

Now, please note, I know often times the woman is a contributing factor in a man straying or just needing to see what's out there, but I'm in a great shape, thin and athletic, I keep myself up, and I even try to be more adventurous in bed than him (toys, clothes, you name it). (I'm 5'7" 120 and work out 3-5 times a week, and try to keep myself up to date.) My weight and appearance haven't changed since we met, except I keep up with fashion trends and cut my hair shorter (it was really long when we got married). 

So he stopped watching porn and looking at pictures, or so he told me..... until this past December when we went home to visit my family and I noticed on his phone he had saved tons of pictures of naked and half-naked women in a separate file. Again, I'm still in great shape, we don't have kids and nothing has changed physically for us. 

This time, however, instead of trying to have a calm conversation about all of this with him I blew up on him. I mean I lost it and we didn't speak for a week..... please know that I've also been going through infertility problems.... and last year was hard for me, lots of doctors visits (by myself, mind you) and coping with it, lots of pain and uncertainty. What really gets me is that I felt guilty about confronting him about his behavior and how it negatively affected me, made me feel inadequate, and so _I apologized_! He never said he was sorry or attempted to make amends. In fact, he has never even acknowledged that his behavior should change because of how it impacts _me_, his life partner. Or how it impacts our relationship and how I feel about him.

So move forward to this past January. I had laparoscopic surgery and the doctor ended up removing large growths of endometriosis from my uterus and cervix - all my organs are intact, but I was bed ridden for a week, with three weeks down for recovery in total. The _DAY_ of my surgery after getting me home my husband watched porn online and then looked at tons of pictures of naked women again. I just found this out today (I didn't mean to, but an address in the browser popped up as if I'd used it and I was curious). 

What do I do? Not only does he seem addicted to these other things but he is terrible in bed. He lasts maybe five minutes before he orgasms and I feel more like I'm being used instead of us having a passionate thing happen for both of us. I try to get it going again but once he orgasms he's done. I've tried talking about pills with him, using toys, and other things, sending him pictures of me, etc, etc.... but I still feel used and it is not satisfying for me at all. I haven't orgasmed since we got married and I haven't strayed, but the more time goes by the more I think about straying. I really miss having a passionate relationship with someone who genuinely wants to experience sex with me... 

Oh, and everytime I confront him about the porn he just says "I'm making it into a big deal" he never acknowledges my feelings or apologizes... but he still won't make it an activity we both can enjoy, I feel like he wants to live in a fantasy land and then use me for sex. I feel like he doesn't care about me or our relationship at all, and I really need some passion put back in our relationship, but I don't know what to do anymore. I really feel like I've tried everything to make our relationship work and to talk these thiings out with him, but he doesn't do his part or he doesn't care about how I feel. 

Honestly, right now it's either divorce before we have kids and we're too invested or he needs to step it up. Am I asking too much?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Noelle1984 said:


> Honestly, right now it's either divorce before we have kids and we're too invested or he needs to step it up. Am I asking too much?


No, you are not. He ignores you for porn. That is unacceptable.

Are you sure it's just porn and he hasn't gone any farther? I'd be checking.

And stop apologizing to him or thinking this has anything to even do with you. He has a problem. HIM. Not you. There is nothing wrong with you and you do not owe him any apologies.


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## totamm (May 1, 2012)

Noelle1984 said:


> I haven't orgasmed since we got married and I haven't strayed, but the more time goes by the more I think about straying. I really miss having a passionate relationship with someone who genuinely wants to experience sex with me...


Not sure if you define straying as having an affair or divorcing him and finding someone new, but I sure hope it's the second one not the first.


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## BWBill (Jan 30, 2013)

Pornography can be an addiction. He may not be able to stop without help.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

most likley he won't stop all vewing.

if its a deal breaker ...break the deal now before you have kids.


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## mdill (Jan 18, 2012)

Noelle1984 said:


> I'd like to hear advice from other individuals who have been in relationships like mine, or were in a relationship like this and what finally caused you to leave it and how do you feel now that it's over.
> 
> My husband and I married young, at 24, after we had dated for 3 years. We're now 28, so we've been together in total for about 7 years.
> 
> ...


It is not you, your husband has a problem with porn. Personally, I can't relate as I want my wife anywhere, anytime. Most husbands would kill to insure the woman they love was sexually satisfied. Especially at your age. You need to address this problem with him ASAP and certainly before you have any kids.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Your husband has premature ejaculation and can't go again after ejaculating. He's ashamed of his performance and avoids the issue entirely by using porn and telling you its no big deal. Well, it is a big deal when a husband shows no interest in sexually pleasing his wife, diserts her when she needs aftercare, and sneaks around watching porn. ( I love tht you offred to watch with him and was shocked when he turne you down) Your man has some serious problems that aren't going to go away by themselves. Maybe he's become addicted, maybe he hasn't, only a clinician can make that call.

I believe ejaculation or the urge to ejaculate, is a reflex behavior that can be modified with attention and practice. He's wanking to porn and has taught himself to finish quickly so as not to get caught. So now, quickly is the only way he can do it.


I strongly suggest you put fertility treatments on hold and until your relationship is one in which you feel loved, supported and orgasmic! If he continues to deny, avoid, blame or minimize only then should you threaten. Frankly, a man with premature ejaculation who can't get it up a second time, given enough rest, isn't likely to find a replacement wife any time soon.


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

mdill said:


> It is not you, your husband has a problem with porn. Personally, I can't relate as I want my wife anywhere, anytime. Most husbands would kill to insure the woman they love was sexually satisfied. Especially at your age. You need to address this problem with him ASAP and certainly before you have any kids.


:iagree:

Dear Mrs. OP, your husband seems like a very selfish person. There are no place for selfishness in a marriage. In your case, I believe divorce should be an option. You have made efforts to stay in the marriage and meet his needs, but seems like your husband does not make an effort to make you stay. Therefore, why should you stay? Nobody deserves to be with a selfish person!


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## StargateFan (Nov 19, 2012)

What were things like before you cut your hair off ? Would certainly have an impact on my attraction. About 17 years ago my wife came home with a short haircut and did inform me ahead of time. i was not thrilled to say the least. One of my *sexual bias* issues. (Not sure what the stars are for, but that seems how the term is used on this site)


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