# dont know what to do!



## sadlady (May 26, 2009)

I've been married for 11years now we have 3 adorable kids. I talked to my husband six months ago told him I'm not happy anymore with our marriage. He is in the service he's been away from home most of the time. Ever since I gave birth to our first child and the 2nd and 3rd child I'm the one thats with them. I didn't have assistance from my husband getting up at night to attend the babies all those sleepless nights. I never had a day or time away for myself. I have been a very loyal and loving wife since I got married, but it burns me out after all those years that I felt all my efforts are being taken for granted. He is a very responsible man in providing us financially but I felt all the responsibility as parents and other things going on in our household are on my shoulders. I decided to go back to school and at first he was furious and againts my idea. I asked for his support and he said I have hes support but it feels different the way he talks and act. He's been questioning me why I have to go back to school and pointing out how expensive its gonna be to put the kids at day care. I felt he doesn't want me to do something for myself and be independent from him. All that changed when I told him I am not happy anymore with our marriage and I want out. Yes we are still together I didn't have the courage to leave with the worries of how I'm gonna survive financially when I've been going to school all day and couldn't get a job at night for I dont have anyone to attend my kids. He thought that my feelings changed thats why I am still here but its not. 2 months ago I started talking to my old pal and developed a close relationship with him online. I know I want out of our marriage but he's kindness is killing me that I dont have the guts how to tell him. My husband is trying to win back my feelings and hes been telling me he loves me but I just couldn't tell him the same thing. My biggest concern are my children on how are they going to take it if their parents have broken up. I have grown emotionally apart from my husband, when he is home I tried to do something or keep my distance from him. Im not looking to get intimate with him either, but when he does I felt that it is my responsibilty cause I'm still his wife. I really dont know what to do. Any advice?


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## seibert253 (Apr 29, 2009)

sadlady said:


> I've been married for 11years now we have 3 adorable kids. I talked to my husband six months ago told him I'm not happy anymore with our marriage. He is in the service he's been away from home most of the time. Ever since I gave birth to our first child and the 2nd and 3rd child I'm the one thats with them. I didn't have assistance from my husband getting up at night to attend the babies all those sleepless nights. I never had a day or time away for myself. I have been a very loyal and loving wife since I got married, but it burns me out after all those years that I felt all my efforts are being taken for granted. He is a very responsible man in providing us financially but I felt all the responsibility as parents and other things going on in our household are on my shoulders. I decided to go back to school and at first he was furious and againts my idea. I asked for his support and he said I have hes support but it feels different the way he talks and act. He's been questioning me why I have to go back to school and pointing out how expensive its gonna be to put the kids at day care. I felt he doesn't want me to do something for myself and be independent from him. All that changed when I told him I am not happy anymore with our marriage and I want out. Yes we are still together I didn't have the courage to leave with the worries of how I'm gonna survive financially when I've been going to school all day and couldn't get a job at night for I dont have anyone to attend my kids. He thought that my feelings changed thats why I am still here but its not. 2 months ago I started talking to my old pal and developed a close relationship with him online. I know I want out of our marriage but he's kindness is killing me that I dont have the guts how to tell him. My husband is trying to win back my feelings and hes been telling me he loves me but I just couldn't tell him the same thing. My biggest concern are my children on how are they going to take it if their parents have broken up. I have grown emotionally apart from my husband, when he is home I tried to do something or keep my distance from him. Im not looking to get intimate with him either, but when he does I felt that it is my responsibilty cause I'm still his wife. I really dont know what to do. Any advice?


Sometimes it takes a 2X4 upside the head for us guys to open our eyes and say, wow I really fu#ked up, I need to get my act together.

You've addressed some concerns and problems you've had with your husband's lack of help and shortgivings, but did you attempt to address these when they were happening? I'm not taking sides, but you can't fix something if you don't know it's broke. Believe me, your husband now knows it's broke, and it sounds like he wants to fix it. The question is do you?

If you truely checked out of your marriage, you would already be gone, and you would not be here seeking advise. Sit down and think about this, look at your feelings with a broad brush, do you love your husband? Really think about this and dig deep.

If you don't, your answer will be immediate, and in IMO, if you didn't you wouldn't be here asking us what you should do. If you thinking "I don't know", well then deep down inside you still do, you are just so hurt and frustrated you just don't want to admit it.

By your own admission, your husband is working to fix your marriage, what are you doing to do the same?

Your contact with your old "friend" is only adding addition confusion to what you're already feeling. I do not think it's a good idea, as matter of fact I think it's improper. Developing a "close" relationship with any male, other than your husband is not a good idea. Does your husband know about this? What do you and your "pal" discuss? Do you discuss your marriage and it's problems? Do you discuss personal information about yourself and only your husband knows? Does your conversations involve things you do not want your husband to know about? If your questions to any of these are yes then you are involved in an emotional affair with your "pal". Yes you are cheating on your husband.

You cannot be objective and continue your relationship with your "pal". It is clouding your intelligence and confusing you emotionally. Your conversations allow you to remain in the fantasy world.

Now, you are saying; what now. You asked for advice, here's mine:

First: You must end contact with your online "pal". Tell your "pal" what's going on in your marriage if you haven't, and you need to figure out what you want. But, you cannot do this with continued contact with him. Tell him you are ending contact with him, and not to contact you. If you decide you wish to end your marriage and re-contact your friend, you can always do so. But continued conversation will cloud your judgement. Trust me on this one, I know firsthand.

Second: You must be brutally honest with your husband. This also goes to the fact about telling him about your online "friend" if he doesn't know. Your husband must know exactly how you feel. If this isn't going to work, you owe it to yourself and your husband to tell him, not string him along. You both deserve better.

Third: Agree to individual and marital counseling. Both of your core issues need to be addressed as to how your marriage has reached this boiling point. You cannot do this alone. You need an objective third party.

Last: Give it time. If you decide to try this approach, don't go into it saying, well I'll give it X weeks or X months. If you set a timeline, you're setting a timeline for failure.

Don't give up your marriage without truely giving it a chance. Your husband sees that he's been a putz, and is working his azz off to fix this. Maybe you owe him the same courtesy.
Good Luck and God Bless


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## Baobab (Jun 5, 2009)

I agree with much of what has been said there. But ask yourself, has it gone too far. Your involvement with your friend will not help clarity in your judgement for sure. But hell, you're human and are clearly missing some support and affection. Just try to think a little longer term - what were you're hopes and dreams together when you married - what was the big picture? 

Life is so short, if you can answer honestly, despite how much you like or dislike the answers, you will know what to do. Wishing all the very best in whatever you decide - may it work out well for you


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