# Wife all of the sudden not satisfied with our sex.



## Rip4745 (Jun 22, 2021)

*hello community,*

My wife and I have two kids and my wife’s sex drive has been up and down through both pregnancies and through breast feeding both times. She is currently weaning the baby off breastfeeding and the past 6-8 weeks her sex drive has been amazing. She initiated sex 3 times and we did it a little more rough which is what I like. I was so excited that she seemed to be getting her sex drive back. 
We both were satisfied each time or so I thought.

last night she completely did a 180 degree switch. I attempted to make a sexual advance towards her last night; she pushed my hand away and said “I don’t want to do that tonight”. I moved away from her on the couch because I was rejected. And continued to just watch the show we were watching.

she then paused the show, and proceeded to talk to me for 2 hours about how we only do things that I like during sex, and that we never have gentle sex it’s always what I like and never what she likes.

I said to her “the past 3 times you have intiated Sex this is how we have done it and I thought you enjoyed it?” She basically said that we only do sex that way for me and not for her.

during breastfeeding her sex drive has been 0. So basically she was doing stuff for me about maybe once a week, but had really no desire during this time. 

It’s just super confusing to me, like we do stuff that I think we both like. I make it a point to take care of her til she finishes each time. Then later she totally blows up on me about how I’m not doing it right. I don’t mind making adjustments to our sex life. But this has been a long line of complaints about how I don’t do things correctly : talk to her, touch her, seduce her, pay attention to her. It’s honestly just tiresome. I want to be good enough for her but it just seems like every week there’s a new complaint, and this week it just happens to be sex. Makes me sad.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Have you actually asked her specifically what she likes and what she would like to do in sex? It seems you are assuming she likes what you do when she doesn't.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

when was the last time you gave her cunnilingus?
Has she ever orgasmed from a breast only orgasm?

you have to think beyond your penis....


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

So do things she likes. It's not complicated... unless you make it that way. 

Getting insecure when she tells you what she wants is a surefire way to make sure it never happens again. 

Sent from my Pixel 6 using Tapatalk


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Rip4745 said:


> She initiated sex 3 times and we did it a little more rough which is what I like. I was so excited that she seemed to be getting her sex drive back.





Rip4745 said:


> I said to her “the past 3 times you have intiated Sex this is how we have done it and I thought you enjoyed it?


Obviously you have been sadly mistaken in naively "assuming" that what you were doing was awesome for both of you. It happens to many couples. Now, rethink what you've been thinking and pay heed to what she is saying. 
You may like rough sex, but obviously your wife's can't put up with it any longer and had to stop you, and send you a clear message that you could understand: she's tired not only of putting up for you sexually, but she's tired in general with what's been going in the relationship. REMEMBER: SHE'S NURSING and taken care of two children, one of them an infant. She must be exhausted. Her hormones are most likely changing back again, and physically she's probably draining. You should understand this already and not be so surprised. Now, instead of getting annoyed, sad, start asking her what's the way to her love language, and act accordingly. 

If in reality it's like you said: 



Rip4745 said:


> But this has been a long line of complaints about how I don’t do things correctly : talk to her, touch her, seduce her, pay attention to her. It’s honestly just tiresome.


Then, analyze and come to a conclusion if there's merit to those complaints, or if it is just her nursing and taking care of the kids and household tiredness kicking in.

Do you help with kids and domestic responsibilities? Do you have to be told? Does she gets a break, an alone time to recharge? Do both of you spend some quality time together that does not involve sex?


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## AandM (Jan 30, 2019)

Talker67 said:


> when was the last time you gave her cunnilingus?
> Has she ever orgasmed from a breast only orgasm?
> 
> you have to think beyond your penis....


Wow. Woman's asking intimacy, and you think technique.

Technique matters, but she complaining about a lack of connection.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

Rob_1 said:


> Obviously you have been sadly mistaken in naively "assuming" that what you were doing was awesome for both of you. It happens to many couples. Now, rethink what you've been thinking and pay heed to what she is saying.
> You may like rough sex, but obviously your wife's can't put up with it any longer and had to stop you, and send you a clear message that you could understand: she's tired not only of putting up for you sexually, but she's tired in general with what's been going in the relationship. REMEMBER: SHE'S NURSING and taken care of two children, one of them an infant. She must be exhausted. Her hormones are most likely changing back again, and physically she's probably draining. You should understand this already and not be so surprised. Now, instead of getting annoyed, sad, start asking her what's the way to her love language, and act accordingly.
> 
> If in reality it's like you said:
> ...


I was going to write basically the same post. No need now. OP read everything here and be brutally honest with yourself.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

AandM said:


> Wow. Woman's asking intimacy, and you think technique.
> 
> Technique matters, but she complaining about a lack of connection.


i am looking at how a guy would think.
a guy would say, WAT? I pounded her extra hard, why did she not love it???

i am trying to get him to think of things other than his penis.
there is only so touchie-feelie you can get a guy to act like!


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## AandM (Jan 30, 2019)

Talker67 said:


> i am looking at how a guy would think.
> a guy would say, WAT? I pounded her extra hard, why did she not love it???
> 
> i am trying to get him to think of things other than his penis.
> there is only so touchie-feelie you can get a guy to act like!


Honestly, I thought the same way when I was younger. That's why I spoke up.

I usually keep silent in relationship threads. Mostly, I enjoy ****-posting in the non-marriage threads.


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## Rip4745 (Jun 22, 2021)

I when I say she was satisfied that means I either did cunnilingus or clitorally stimulated her with my fingers 



Talker67 said:


> when was the last time you gave her cunnilingus?
> Has she ever orgasmed from a breast only orgasm?
> 
> you have to think beyond your penis....


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## Rip4745 (Jun 22, 2021)

Yeah I guess, it’s just we’ve been together 12 years and this stuff seemingly comes out of no where.
Feel like I’m constantly playing catch up with her needs, not only sexually but in general. 


farsidejunky said:


> So do things she likes. It's not complicated... unless you make it that way.
> 
> Getting insecure when she tells you what she wants is a surefire way to make sure it never happens again.
> 
> Sent from my Pixel 6 using Tapatalk


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## Rip4745 (Jun 22, 2021)

Rob_1 said:


> Obviously you have been sadly mistaken in naively "assuming" that what you were doing was awesome for both of you. It happens to many couples. Now, rethink what you've been thinking and pay heed to what she is saying.
> You may like rough sex, but obviously your wife's can't put up with it any longer and had to stop you, and send you a clear message that you could understand: she's tired not only of putting up for you sexually, but she's tired in general with what's been going in the relationship. REMEMBER: SHE'S NURSING and taken care of two children, one of them an infant. She must be exhausted. Her hormones are most likely changing back again, and physically she's probably draining. You should understand this already and not be so surprised. Now, instead of getting annoyed, sad, start asking her what's the way to her love language, and act accordingly.
> 
> If in reality it's like you said:
> ...


Yes we do all of those things. But we don’t usually get a whole lot of quality time alone. Most of the time that involves sex but not always.


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## Rip4745 (Jun 22, 2021)

AandM said:


> Wow. Woman's asking intimacy, and you think technique.
> 
> Technique matters, but she complaining about a lack of connection.


I’m not talking technique. I’m talking communication, I think everything is going well, and then this comes out of no where.


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## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

Talker67 said:


> i am looking at how a guy would think.
> a guy would say, WAT? I pounded her extra hard, why did she not love it???
> 
> i am trying to get him to think of things other than his penis.
> there is only so touchie-feelie you can get a guy to act like!


This reply was so funny 😆

OP - I think you got some good replies here. It’s easy to get defensive since this is such a touchy topic, but I think it would be smart to initiate this conversation again with your wife. Preferences change and it sounds like there isn’t really an open line of communication around this topic. At the end of the day the goal is to check each other’s boxes and it sounds like she is needing something that isn’t happening.

Bright side is she already revealed why she rejected you so you don’t have to go fishing for her issue!


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

This is a sign of immaturity regarding communication in a relationship. Both men and women do this, but women do it more often. And that is assuming something, hinting at what you want, or saying something is ok when its not ok.

It can be something small, big, short or long term. But if a spouse is unhappy about something, then be an adult and talk to your spouse about it.

One small example that has happened to me. I will ask what do you want for dinner when you get home? She said I want whatever you feel like making tonight and I said ok. I fired up the grill and cooked some chicken. She gets home and has a look and says I was hoping for something different. I said nope, I am not going to feel guilty. You said whatever I feel like making. If you had something else in mind, speak up.

The OPs wife should have communicated what she likes or doesn't like. Dont assume he can read your mind. And certainly do not get upset because he can't read your mind


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

Sounds like you need to up your “love making” game, brother… she wants to be *made love to*… 

If my wife told me that… she’d be so in for the most outrageous, slow, tender, love making session of all time. 😂 😂

… talking wine, candles, some acoustic guitar music… you’re so lucky brother.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Rip4745 said:


> *hello community,*
> 
> My wife and I have two kids and my wife’s sex drive has been up and down through both pregnancies and through breast feeding both times. She is currently weaning the baby off breastfeeding and the past 6-8 weeks her sex drive has been amazing. She initiated sex 3 times and we did it a little more rough which is what I like. I was so excited that she seemed to be getting her sex drive back.
> We both were satisfied each time or so I thought.
> ...


You do just have to realize that it's not just all about whether she has an orgasm or not. I mean she could go in the bedroom alone and give herself an orgasm in 2 minutes. 

I think she just finally got up the nerve to bring this out in the open. It sounds to me that like most women, what they want just as much or more than sex is just some attention that doesn't even involve sex, some affection, some non-sexual consideration. As far as sexual consideration it sounds like she's going to tell you if they're already changes around that area so just keep your ears open. 

She probably did get tired of doing things the way you wanted and getting you off during her times when she maybe wasn't all that into it. I don't doubt that you have been doing things the best way you know how. But just listen and don't get mad at her about it. I would advise that you don't ask her to do chore sex (things that don't really get her off that she does to you) and leave that up to her if she wants to do that because she feels like it.


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## ShatteredKat (Mar 23, 2016)

*Rip4745*

You are dealing with a ticking bomb. _When everything seems OK _and without any idea of a change a "complaint" surfaces that is sure to be a serious rift in your relationship. Marriage dissolve over such a rift.

You best retrench your thinking - Maybe read "No more Mr. Nice Guy" and "The Married Man Sex Life Primer" for starters.

Consider reading as much as you can on the way a woman works with respect to emotions - especially in verbal communication. The PHD community has researched the female brain and tells "us" the female brain is much better developed with regards to emotion processing. That says you are handicapped right out of the starting gate.

If your woman was, maybe, more aggressive or outgoing in speaking about what her concerns are, you likely would have not got the "couch conversation." Well, you are bonded to her now so you need to up your game and figure out your next moves. 

Post postpartum? likely part of the issue - but also I suspect there is more. "Some women" will hit you between the eyes with something as soon as it annoys them. Others wait till they are so wound up that they explode. And we poor non emotional aware schmucks think we are being blindsided. That is Not really what is happening - just a natural consequence of the different ways boys and girls communicate. 

Maybe you both could benefit with some counseling? By that I mean speaking to a non-involved other person who can be a sounding board and give you opportunity to speak about your concerns and see if you are hitting near your target.

A good marriage is hard work and BOTH of you must be willing to work on making it a good one.

Suggest you post all your thoughts here as this is an anonymous forum and all sorts of folks read - and likely will post from their point of view and experience. You will learn some ideas - maybe useful ones!


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

ThatDarnGuy! said:


> This is a sign of immaturity regarding communication in a relationship. Both men and women do this, but women do it more often. And that is assuming something, hinting at what you want, or saying something is ok when its not ok.


Happens a lot. Some women are so busy tip-toeing around a man's ego that they think they have to hint at things instead of being straightforward. Many men, don't really take hints. Or, sometimes people are just shy, embarassed, etc. Now, she's finally speaking up, but he gets his feelings hurt when she does.

I think everyone could benefit from clearer communication.

OP, think of things your wife has said and done recently. Facial expressions, sighs, other body language, etc. She may even like it rough once in a while, but that doesn't mean she wants that every time either. Sounds like she needs some good, old fashioned loving instead of rough sex (also, if you're watching/reading porn, quit that and get back to your real live wife).


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

theloveofmylife said:


> OP, think of things your wife has said and done recently. Facial expressions, sighs, other body language, etc.


I don't think he knows because he's been concentrating on his d!ck.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

At least they're talking about it. Hope they both listen.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Rip4745 said:


> Yeah I guess, it’s just we’ve been together 12 years and this stuff seemingly comes out of no where.
> Feel like I’m constantly playing catch up with her needs, not only sexually but in general.


Well start asking her what she wants. Start doing what she wants at least half the time you have sex.

It’s not that difficult - be a giver instead of being selfish.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

I bet it isn't out of nowhere either. If you are having sex, you should be able to tell if she orgasmed. But if you aren't sure you can ask. If you aren't doing something specific to make her orgasm the odds are not in favor of it happening.

Stand alone, Penis in Vagina sex doesn't do it for lots of women.


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

I agree with another poster about many of us women tiptoe around our men's ego. Mine is NOT receptive to asking for something to be done this way or that way, or trying this, ect. He gets unbelievably sensitive and therefor over the years, I've learned to just go along with things. 

I haven't orgasmed since summer last year. He finally realized a few weeks ago I wasn't into it during having sex. "You don't even like it at all do you?" Is what he said. I couldn't even form a response. This exact thing had been going on FOR months, and you're you just now realizing? He would literally finish himself, get off me and goes straight to the bathroom to wash up. I could have made myself orgasm, but as a woman, there's no desire. We go all day without speaking and I'm expected to flip a switch. 

I'm HJ this and not trying to, but my point is, have you truly looked at what the majority of women need, emotional connection prior to the act? Love making doesn't start in the bedroom... And yes we are terrible at hoping you'll pick up on a queue, or a hint, but there needs to be that honest conversation to her too saying, honey, I wish I could read your mind, but I need you to be more open and I'm open to hearing your desires. You've got to make it safe to have those conversations.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

This is easy. I’ll tell tell you how I handle things. Dear wife as you know I’m hot like crazy for you but I’m a thick head man that can can only hear your heavy breathing and moaning. If you need me to understand words please punch me in the face to get my full attention before saying them. If you can do that then there is at least a 50% chance I will pay attention.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Rip4745 said:


> Yeah I guess, it’s just we’ve been together 12 years and this stuff seemingly comes out of no where.
> Feel like I’m constantly playing catch up with her needs, not only sexually but in general.


Those frustrations that we feel, that we experience in life, only end at death.

Those daily frustrations spill over into all aspects of our lives, and they even wiggle-worm themselves into our bedrooms.

Anxiety is an orgasm killer.

Most women need to mentally escape from the daily drudge, so as to, _O_-_my_, on your sensual nudges.




_Lilith-_


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## Defhero (Jan 5, 2022)

I heard this before. This the woman I love and married and the other woman is who I have sex with.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

The first solution I would attempt is, "You're in charge. Tell me exactly what you want. Your wish is my command. If I don't get right the first time, I'll try again until I get it right. The only thing that matters is your satisfaction. I've been selfish with mine all these years, but it was never my intent to be that way. It's exciting for me to hear your desires. Don't hold back. I will gladly and lovingly do anything you want."


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Rip4745 said:


> Yeah I guess, it’s just we’ve been together 12 years and this stuff seemingly comes out of no where.
> Feel like I’m constantly playing catch up with her needs, not only sexually *but in general.*


Maybe something else is going on in her mind, and you might benefit from counseling? It sounds like sex is just part of maybe a larger issue, but not necessarily an earth shattering issue. Maybe plan some time together - just the two of you - ask a family member if you can to watch the kids for a few hours, and reconnect. Maybe she feels a loss of connection, and sex is where the issue is showing up. I'm just guessing, but maybe a date night would be a good way to get to the heart of things.


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

Sfort said:


> The first solution I would attempt is, "You're in charge. Tell me exactly what you want. Your wish is my command. If I don't get right the first time, I'll try again until I get it right. The only thing that matters is your satisfaction. I've been selfish with mine all these years, but it was never my intent to be that way. It's exciting for me to hear your desires. Don't hold back. I will gladly and lovingly do anything you want."


Wow! 

Yeah, do this. She will love you long time.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

So after the talk, did you two have sex? That would have been a normal positive step. And a good thing.

After reading your other three threads it seems there are other issues. Ask yourself are all these related? Yes is the correct answer.


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

It’s always a mystery. 28 years here. What works one day won’t work the next. etc. just roll with it.


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