# Is it a bad thing...



## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

... that I just told a neighbor/friend of my STBX and mine that he cheated?

She knew that he was planning to leave me - I told her about that back in October, with his blessing. At that point, he had told me he wanted to leave because "we should both be free to pursue other relationships," and that he "didn't have anyone in particular in mind." (Turns out at that point he had already met the OW, was having an EA with her, and ultimately would consummate that EA in December, telling me and our son he was staying with friends of ours in the other state where he met her.)

She just asked me if that was still the plan - we hadn't talked about anything of consequence in some time - and I said it was. She said, "Wow, so he's really going to just go over there to be alone, huh?" So I told her the real reason.

She was not too impressed. I didn't trash talk him, or tell her how I found out, which was not because he admitted it to me, or exactly how long it's been going on (since last September).

I don't feel the least bit guilty about it, because I did it while taking the high road as much as possible, but I know that if he found out I told her, he'd be pissed.

Just want to ask unbiased folks if you think I was wrong to do that.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Your husband is setting off on a bright new adventure. Why would he not want people to be told?

You did the right thing.:smthumbup:


----------



## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

No. It's not a bad thing. And if he's upset about it then he's only got himself to blame. Just remember that. You are not there to lie for him, especially after he has deceived you!!!

I can't believe you would even doubt yourself on this. Give yourself a kick up the backside right now!


----------



## workindad (May 7, 2011)

No, it was not wrong. If he doesn't like it... then he should take it up with the man in the mirror.


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Nomorebeans said:


> ... that I just told a neighbor/friend of my STBX and mine that he cheated?
> 
> She knew that he was planning to leave me - I told her about that back in October, with his blessing. At that point, he had told me he wanted to leave because "we should both be free to pursue other relationships," and that he "didn't have anyone in particular in mind." (Turns out at that point he had already met the OW, was having an EA with her, and ultimately would consummate that EA in December, telling me and our son he was staying with friends of ours in the other state where he met her.)
> 
> ...



Why should you hide his mess and cover up for him? You do whatever makes you happy, you owe him nothing, period! Many cheaters want to appear to be the nice, sweet person that everyone thinks they know, time to blow up that false image and let the chips fall where they may. It is not your responsibility to "protect' his image, he damaged it through his own actions, so let him deal with it.

Just saying (if it was me) I would tell the whole world......


----------



## Primrose (Mar 4, 2015)

There is absolutely nothing to feel bad about. Exposing my STBX's affair to all of our friends and family (and the OW's family as well) was the best thing I could have done for myself. Everyone's support has been amazing.


----------



## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

You are not wrong in the least, I exposed to OM wife of the affair. OM wife wasn't happy but she pressured OM and he ended up too busy saving his marriage that he had no time for my WW. Your STBX is responsible for himself, as are you, if you told this mutual friend the truth then no problem. If your STBX becomes upset, then he should have thought his actions through, which clearly he hasn't. Good luck to you.


----------



## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

If he doesn't want people to know that he left you for another woman, then that must mean that he is ashamed of himself.

You know that can't be true, though, since he is following his bliss and how could anyone find fault with that?

Completely seriously, why should you lie for him? Why should you lie for anyone?


----------



## altawa (Jan 4, 2015)

I am a fan of billboards, sky writers, and direct mail advertising.


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

altawa said:


> I am a fan of billboards, sky writers, and direct mail advertising.


Me too


----------



## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

I tell the kids "Nothing good ever comes from lying." and here's yet another example. You'd tell your friend is he was going on an extended trip to take care of family, right. Because its something happening in your life and there's nothing wrong with that. This is something happening in your life, that directly impacts you, and you've done nothing wrong.


----------



## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

No, it wasn't wrong, but more importantly why would you even care? 

Work on detachment. It does a body good.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Does the OW know he's leaving a wife and child behind?

Hope you've already lawyered up before he gets out of town!


----------



## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

Chaparral said:


> Does the OW know he's leaving a wife and child behind?


Yes, she most certainly does. She texted and called him at 11:00 on a Friday night in February basically so that I would find out about her (he doesn't think she did that on purpose - that's how deeply in the fog he is), because he had told her he wanted to take separating and divorce slowly because he had a wife of 25 years and a 13-year-old son to think about.

I told him at the time that happened, after I got over my initial shock, that he'd better be careful with this one - she has an awfully big sense of entitlement for having only met him in September and seen him one time since then. He says, "She's not evil, you know. She's really a very nice person." And when I asked him whether the fact that he had a young son had any bearing on her behavior, he said, "She has two grown kids of her own - children come first with her." No, actually, I'm pretty sure she does. So to speak. Her husband left her two years ago and moved to a different state (supposedly not for another woman, but do they ever leave a longtime marriage for any other reason?), but they were not going ahead with divorce proceedings yet, and he was killed in a car accident. She has a 26-year-old daughter who lives with her and doesn't have a job - not sure what's going to happen to her when her "really very nice" Mom moves down here to be with him - maybe she will become part of the package. And he can support two people who don't have jobs.

He really is not thinking clearly. At.All.

Yes, I know - I need to detach. I think it's really becoming a pride thing for me, now. I can't believe he's leaving me for someone like this.

He came back from a training trip with his job last night. Gone four days. Wouldn't look me in the eye during the limited conversation we had. He called me every day while he was gone, which he doesn't usually do (he's had to go do this every year for the last 24 years), and always just as he was about to step into a class or was just getting out of a class - never from the hotel, never when on his way to a restaurant for dinner, like he used to do. He got there a full 24 hours ahead of his first class, because, he said, he wanted some quiet time to study.

Please.

So, yeah. I'm telling everybody. Not in a mean way - in a factual way. And not feeling bad about it at all. He doesn't get to be the hero he likes everyone to think he is anymore. And when the moving truck comes to take all his stuff away next month, all the neighbors will know exactly why.


----------



## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Nomorebeans,

I just read your last post and I was filled with anger for you. It is easy to see you are a great person, unfortunately your husband isn't the same caliber person as you. Stay strong and expose to anyone you want to. It's your choice to make after he made his. Most affairs the AP actually trade down, lets face it, I was utterly humiliated my WW chose who she did. He's a POS who when confronted stood and shook like a little boy. Even my WW was appalled at his true self, he was nothing like he had told her he was. My WW AP was the classic idiot who was tough when he was alone with my wife, once confronted by a man (even as broken as I was) he was scared s---less. 

I hope you can detach and surely you need to feel better of yourself. I have no doubts you will be single only for as long as you want to be. There are many men who are looking for great people such as yourself who will stand by your side and honor their vows with you. Best of luck to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

Thank you, drifting on. I appreciate your kind and encouraging words very much. Thank you, everyone, for all your support. It's helped a lot to be able to come here and get all these feelings out in the open. I still sometimes feel like I'm barely breathing.

I have to find something better to replace the thought "I can't believe he's leaving me for that POS," which I can't seem to get out of my head.

You're right, drifting on - it's utterly humiliating that she doesn't seem to have a single socially redeeming quality, other than her willingness, I can only assume, to have apparently constant sex with him whenever they're together. How can her daughters condone this, when her husband and their father left her like this? They must be a couple of POS, also. (STBX told me he met and had dinner with both of them, before he ever told me about her, like he and their mother are already a couple and I don't even exist.) I can't believe these are people my son is going to have to be exposed to on a regular basis. It just makes me sick.


----------



## Trying95 (May 24, 2013)

I don't know how he can utter the words " 25 year marriage and teenage son I'm leaving behind.." and not get some sort of inkling of how destructive and mean he is being towards you. Why does he call you when he is away? I'm so sorry you are going through this, you have every right to tell the world if you wish and focus on you. Good luck!


----------



## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Nomorebeans said:


> Thank you, drifting on. I appreciate your kind and encouraging words very much. Thank you, everyone, for all your support. It's helped a lot to be able to come here and get all these feelings out in the open. I still sometimes feel like I'm barely breathing.
> 
> I have to find something better to replace the thought "I can't believe he's leaving me for that POS," which I can't seem to get out of my head.
> 
> You're right, drifting on - it's utterly humiliating that she doesn't seem to have a single socially redeeming quality, other than her willingness, I can only assume, to have apparently constant sex with him whenever they're together. How can her daughters condone this, when her husband and their father left her like this? They must be a couple of POS, also. (STBX told me he met and had dinner with both of them, before he ever told me about her, like he and their mother are already a couple and I don't even exist.) I can't believe these are people my son is going to have to be exposed to on a regular basis. It just makes me sick.




I remember that suffocating feeling all to well. Your chest feels as though you can't take in a deep breath and the shallow breaths you can take are just enough to keep you conscious. I hated that too. For what it's worth to you I think your husband is making a huge mistake, the classic the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. Sad thing is, if he worked on his grass it would be greener and everyone would envy his grass. But alas, we tend to believe the other side of the fence is miracle grass and it will take no work to keep it that way. Six months from now the grass will be brown and he will see the errors of his choices. Stay strong.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------

