# No orgasm = divorce?



## Justanormalguy

Ive just joined and I would like to see what others feel about this. My wife and I have been married about 10 years, we both are in our 30s and I would say have an alright marriage. We dated before we met and have had experience with other relationships. We both love each other and care for one another. But something is off sexually with us. Put simply the only way she can cum is just by playing with herself and she doesnt want me to touch her or be inside her or anything. When i ask what she thinks about ahe mentions ahe just thinks about a faceless man, which confuses me even more. She continues to tell me that alot of women cannot cum with their partners but I do think that is lie. This is now really affecting me and I feel less of a man, i feel like the guy that cannot do something that all women want and im sure that faceless guy she refers to is another guy she fantasies about. Now many of you may say 'there is more to marriage/life than sex, its about connection, she loves u and that what matters etc' but those are just feel good sentences and I really feel if this goes on, her or i will divorce.

Interested to hear other peoples reactions and comments


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## Casual Observer

So no PIV whatsoever? She's not willing to stimulate herself during PIV sex? What about oral? She gets no pleasure from you giving her oral sex? What about turning you into a sex toy... she tells you what to do and you do it for her? An odd thing to try, talking from a friend's experience of course, is her giving you a hand job while you give her oral and you synchronize to her strokes. In other words, she controls your actions by using the hand job as a sort of remote control.

The line about a lot of women not being able to orgasm with their partners is misleading. In terms of percentage, when you include PIV, oral & digital stimulation, the number of women that cannot orgasm is a pretty small number. *If* their partner is willing. You seem to be willing; she is apparently not.

If she has zero interest in even trying, I don't get how you have an "alright marriage." 

How did you let things get this far? There were no early warning signs while dating or early in the marriage?


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## Prodigal

Justanormalguy said:


> But something is off sexually with us. Put simply the only way she can cum is just by playing with herself and she doesnt want me to touch her or be inside her or anything.


Was it like this when you were dating?


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## Justanormalguy

So she says it is distracting to stimulate herself during piv and doesnt want to do it. One time she said I should watch something on TV while she did it so I wasnt bored! Thats why i think she is thinking about a other guy or something else. It was the same when dating but I didn't give it too much thought as the actual sex was good. She also said she was the same with all her previous bfs.


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## aquarius1

See a sex therapist. Sounds like she has gotten addicted to the instant gratification without need of connection or intimacy. Almost like a porn addiction. It must be difficult and I can understand why it’s affecting you. She may have been that way with other bfs, but you are her husband. Raise the bar (no pun intended) and tell her what you have said here. Divorce is being considered.
May shock her into action. If it doesn’t, you have your answer.


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## SunCMars

Justanormalguy said:


> So she says it is distracting to stimulate herself during piv and doesnt want to do it. One time she said I should watch something on TV while she did it so I wasnt bored! Thats why i think she is thinking about a other guy or something else. It was the same when dating but I didn't give it too much thought as the actual sex was good. *She also said she was the same with all her previous bfs*.


I believe her, so did the other boyfriends.
They dumped her, you married her and dumped her and her 'problem', now your problem, onto yourself.

She is being very unreasonable. Divorce her for locking you out of the marital home.
Her warm port in a storm, on a sunny day, you are smugly locked out.

What the hell is she thinking?

Do you have kids, yet.

Oh, dumb question.

You would need to do PIV for that to happen.

Do you know if she has suffered childhood sexual abuse or sexual assault?

When she self-pleasures does she watch porn, books, movies or some other outside stimulation?

You have a serious choice, actually she does.
She needs to see a sex therapist, or a divorce attorney.

I wish you the best. 

If you leave her, leave her amicably.
If possible!





[THM]- Lilith


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## EleGirl

About 75% of women cannot orgasm from PIV alone. 

But most women can orgasm from stimulation of their clitoris, no matter who is doing the stimulation (her or him).

One way for a woman to get something close to orgasm with PIV is for her to self stimulate during PIV.

Your wife is being unreasonable. She has apparently found one easy way for her to orgasm and will not adventure out of that scenario. In marriage sex is supposed to be a shared experience. That's what make is wonderful. You need to sit her down and tell her that her idea of how sex works does not work for you. Either she goes to a sex therapist with you, or you are filing for divorce. Just be sure if you say that, that you are willing to file for divorce if she will not agree to go to the sex therapist.

There are men who prefer their own hand to sex with their wife. This is the same type thing, only with the shoe on the other gender. It's wrong because it deprives, you, the other person she's supposed to be having good sex with from enjoying sex.

This will continue as long as you put up with it.


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## moulinyx

EleGirl said:


> About 75% of women cannot orgasm from PIV alone.
> 
> But most women can orgasm from stimulation of their clitoris, no matter who is doing the stimulation (her or him).
> 
> One way for a woman to get something close to orgasm with PIV is for her to self stimulate during PIV.
> 
> Your wife is being unreasonable. She has apparently found one easy way for her to orgasm and will not adventure out of that scenario. In marriage sex is supposed to be a shared experience. That's what make is wonderful. You need to sit her down and tell her that her idea of how sex works does not work for you. Either she goes to a sex therapist with you, or you are filing for divorce. Just be sure if you say that, that you are willing to file for divorce if she will not agree to go to the sex therapist.
> 
> There are men who prefer their own hand to sex with their wife. This is the same type thing, only with the shoe on the other gender. It's wrong because it deprives, you, the other person she's supposed to be having good sex with from enjoying sex.
> 
> This will continue as long as you put up with it.



Seems nuts to file for divorce because his wife doesn't orgasm during sex and manually gets her release after. Men who jerk off instead of having sex is a totally different situation since that deprives the wife of the intimacy, but he is still getting sex in this situation. She is still wanting to my physical with him but has a hard time "getting there". Id like more explanation as to how he is deprived from good sex because she wasn't able to climax? Its not like she's making a choice not to? Just curious. 

Lets be real....SO many women never orgasm during sex. I didn't until I was literally 24. Men put a lot of pressure on themselves and think sex isn't enjoyable without one. I didn't even know what I was missing out on until it happened, and it isn't something that happens every time. Stress of the day, not fully getting in the mood, and all sorts of factors play a role. Seems like she is just trying to quiet her mind.

Instead of pressuring her and feeling insecure, why not ask her to teach you? Not trying to sound mean, but maybe you're missing something and she doesn't want to make you feel bad by saying you aren't doing it the way she needs things done? Since you two have obviously been with each other since your early 20's, its not like there's a TON of experience in that department. Or get a smaller vibrator that is easy to use during sex? There's even finger tip ones. 

It would be a shame to throw away 10 years of marriage....especially since it was like this when you married her. Things can always improve but to divorce over something she has always done (and you seemed okay with) would be really confusing for her. 

Is this problem spilling over to other areas of the marriage?


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## Mr.Married

I'd say the first order of business is to gain control of your insecurities.

She is giving you the "faceless" guy thing to protect your ego.

Let's be honest ...... You never thought of another woman while having sex? Come on ..... be truthful.

While there are some other things with your wife I believe your getting a bit to swirled up in your head.

Orgasm ..... your wife's situation is not uncommon. Don't believe the porn movies.

Woman can smell insecurity and self doubt a mile away.

Your putting to much pressure on the "you didn't orgasm with me" department.

The more pressure or talking you do .... the less likely it will happen.

If she needs to think of Aquaman to get off ..... let it be....or maybe even get her an aquarium.

Don't over think it .... your only hurting yourself.


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## EleGirl

moulinyx said:


> Seems nuts to file for divorce because his wife doesn't orgasm during sex and manually gets her release after. Men who jerk off instead of having sex is a totally different situation since that deprives the wife of the intimacy, but he is still getting sex in this situation. She is still wanting to my physical with him but has a hard time "getting there". Id like more explanation as to how he is deprived from good sex because she wasn't able to climax? Its not like she's making a choice not to? Just curious.
> 
> Lets be real....SO many women never orgasm during sex. I didn't until I was literally 24. Men put a lot of pressure on themselves and think sex isn't enjoyable without one. I didn't even know what I was missing out on until it happened, and it isn't something that happens every time. Stress of the day, not fully getting in the mood, and all sorts of factors play a role. Seems like she is just trying to quiet her mind.
> 
> Instead of pressuring her and feeling insecure, why not ask her to teach you? Not trying to sound mean, but maybe you're missing something and she doesn't want to make you feel bad by saying you aren't doing it the way she needs things done? Since you two have obviously been with each other since your early 20's, its not like there's a TON of experience in that department. Or get a smaller vibrator that is easy to use during sex? There's even finger tip ones.
> 
> It would be a shame to throw away 10 years of marriage....especially since it was like this when you married her. Things can always improve but to divorce over something she has always done (and you seemed okay with) would be really confusing for her.
> 
> Is this problem spilling over to other areas of the marriage?


It's been 10 years and she apparently will not do anything thus far to help herself learn other ways to orgasm.

I was married to a man who at some point decided that I was not supposed to touch him during sex. It was very bazar and very hurtful. It was not long before I did not want him anywhere near me. I assume the OP's feelings are similar to the ones I had.

The op's situation is not much different than a relationship in which the man just uses porn to orgasm. I've been through that too. That hurts too.

There is a problem in their marriage. The OP is starting to have serious problems after a decade of is wife refusing him in a very sexual way. He is not unreasonable wanting the full experience of sex with his wife. When a man is a good lover, a huge part of his enjoyment/pleasure in sex is giving pleasure to his partner/wife. If he cannot do that, the meaning of the sex is diminished. For the OP, clearly him getting an orgasm is only a small part of what he needs out of sex.

If she refuses to do what is needed to change this to meet his needs, I believe that he is completely justified in divorcing her.


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## Mr.Married

EleGirl said:


> The OP is starting to have serious problems after a decade of is wife refusing him in a very sexual way. He is not unreasonable wanting the full experience of sex with his wife. When a man is a good lover, a huge part of his enjoyment/pleasure in sex is giving pleasure to his partner/wife. If he cannot do that, the meaning of the sex is diminished. For the OP, clearly him getting an orgasm is only a small part of what he needs out of sex.
> 
> If she refuses to do what is needed to change this to meet his needs, I believe that he is completely justified in divorcing her.



Fair enough and agreed. 

Do you believe her situation is "in reaction" to him ??


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## EveningThoughts

I'm not sure if I've understood you correctly.

When you wrote this:
"Put simply the only way she can cum is just by playing with herself and she doesnt want me to touch her or be inside her or anything"

Did you mean that she doesn't want you inside her, or your assistance as she gets herself off. Not that she never wants PIV with you? 

I believe her when she says she is not thinking of another guy and that its a faceless person as she is probably more scenario driven. 
I think a lot of women are more into a sexual idea/fantasy than an actual person when it comes to self pleasure. Think 50 shades of grey, erotic novels etc. 
Whereas men are more visual, think of porn, girl in the office they fancy etc. 

How is sex for you apart from this? Is she interested in your pleasure? 
Does she have much libido?
Is she perhaps embaressed to O in front of you? 

She is correct that not many women O from PIV (about 25 - 30%) so it's oral, fingers or a vibe.
How does she respond to oral from you?
Have you tried a small bullet vibe for her? 

The fact that she mentioned you would get bored waiting for her to reach Orgasm is very telling. Maybe she feels like she takes too long to get there and is ruining the moment for you?
Does she prefer to have sex and then look after her own needs after yours?


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## Mr.Married

"Put simply the only way she can cum is just by playing with herself and she doesnt want me to touch her or be inside her or anything"


I took it as she doesn't want his involvement ONLY when she is going to "go for it".

She likely doesn't want any distractions and is trying to concentrate. 

I do agree they need to work on their sexual relationship BUT I think he is focused on one "thing" instead of the big picture.


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## moulinyx

EleGirl said:


> It's been 10 years and she apparently will not do anything thus far to help herself learn other ways to orgasm.
> 
> I was married to a man who at some point decided that I was not supposed to touch him during sex. It was very bazar and very hurtful. It was not long before I did not want him anywhere near me. I assume the OP's feelings are similar to the ones I had.
> 
> The op's situation is not much different than a relationship in which the man just uses porn to orgasm. I've been through that too. That hurts too.
> 
> There is a problem in their marriage. The OP is starting to have serious problems after a decade of is wife refusing him in a very sexual way. He is not unreasonable wanting the full experience of sex with his wife. When a man is a good lover, a huge part of his enjoyment/pleasure in sex is giving pleasure to his partner/wife. If he cannot do that, the meaning of the sex is diminished. For the OP, clearly him getting an orgasm is only a small part of what he needs out of sex.
> 
> If she refuses to do what is needed to change this to meet his needs, I believe that he is completely justified in divorcing her.


I hope my response didn't come off as an attack. I genuinely wanted to hear the why behind suggesting such a big move. 

This really should have been something addressed before getting married as this is literally you saying you want to spend the rest of your life with this person and you are accepting them for who they are. This wife will be blindsided over something she is open and honest about, and who still engages in sex. Instantly throwing out the D word (which in my opinion should only be said if you really mean it) over an orgasm seems like she will just start saying she got there and will either go without her climax or will not be honest. 

Bottom line is if he was doing what it took for her to climax, it would happen. This isn't her fault. If already has trouble quieting her mind enough to get there, then can you imagine how hard it will be if you are threatening divorce and throwing around ultimatums? A lot goes into female orgasm and OP needs to take this as an opportunity to work on her feeling more open and relaxed with him. This would be a different situation if you were denied sex, but you are getting wrapped around the axle about something many women do not achieve EVER during the actual act.


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## moulinyx

EveningThoughts said:


> The fact that she mentioned you would get bored waiting for her to reach Orgasm is very telling. Maybe she feels like she takes too long to get there and is ruining the moment for you?
> Does she prefer to have sex and then look after her own needs after yours?


THIS.

If it doesn't happen for me, my husband will try to get me there. I feel pressured, rushed, and end up not being able to most of the time. That doesn't mean I didn't enjoy it or that I don't love my husband. Its hard for us, damnit!


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## Married but Happy

There is good sex, and bad sex. If this feels like the latter to you and isn't satisfying, either you need to work on changing that together, live with it, or leave. IMO, life is too short to put up with little or poor sex, so my choice would be to fix it or leave.


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## cheapie

moulinyx said:


> THIS.
> 
> If it doesn't happen for me, my husband will try to get me there. I feel pressured, rushed, and end up not being able to most of the time. That doesn't mean I didn't enjoy it or that I don't love my husband. Its hard for us, damnit!


This ^

It’s hard if it’s taking a while-I will feel pressured and almost guilty about him trying so hard for so long. Kills the mood for me.


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## SunCMars

This is a very hard topic to agree on.
It is very hard to bring muddy water to a boil. 

I see both sides.... only too well.

This much I know...
The more selfish one almost always decides for the other.





[THM]- Lilith


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## moulinyx

cheapie said:


> This ^
> 
> It’s hard if it’s taking a while-I will feel pressured and almost guilty about him trying so hard for so long. Kills the mood for me.


Same here. And I don't want him to think he isn't doing a good job. The second my brain starts getting noisy...game over. That is exactly what she is trying to communicate but her weird faceless man comment totally threw you off. I think she means she is just trying to focus on the sensation and when she is actually in the moment with you she is trying to make sure you are having your needs met. 

Id get busy with him everyday if he would, but that doesn't mean I am always going to achieve the big moment. Half of the fun for me is knowing I turned him on, which feels like a big victory. 

OP, you aren't invalid at all but I would be really careful not to put on a ton of pressure.


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## moulinyx

SunCMars said:


> This is a very hard topic to agree on.
> It is very hard to bring muddy water to a boil.
> 
> I see both sides.... only too well.
> 
> This much I know...
> The more selfish one almost always decides for the other.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> [THM]- Lilith


I also agree with this. You BOTH are valid but need to find a healthy way to meet in the middle. If you have a healthy marriage with mutual love, just try to talk about it without a ton of emotion. Id be upset if my husband said he imagines a faceless woman rather than saying he is just trying to concentrate. The communication piece seems to be the bigger problem IMO. 

Talk it out with love and try not to attack her. Maybe this can be the turning point that makes her finally feel like she can relax enough with you.

One more thing...my opinion on this matter would possibly be different if you weren't married. If my hair isn't blown back after sex with a boyfriend, then you better get moving. However, this is your wife and sex is a reflection of your marriage. There's times where our sex is not the best, but I love that man to death and his qualities make up for the occasional less than amazing romp.

You aren't asking for advice regarding a girlfriend. This is a 10 year long *marriage*. Marriage is big and requires constant nurturing. Im by no means saying you have to just deal, but you made a commitment to this person that should require more than difficulty orgasming to end it all.


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## Mr.Married

SunCMars said:


> This much I know...
> The more selfish one almost always decides for the other.
> 
> [THM]- Lilith


That's a good line....and so true.


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## Casual Observer

Justanormalguy said:


> But something is off sexually with us. Put simply the only way she can cum is just by playing with herself and she doesnt want me to touch her or be inside her or anything.


OK, just to be clear, she doesn't want you to touch her or be inside her at all, or only when she's getting herself off? Does she engage willingly in PIV sex, do so resentfully, or not at all?


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## TAMAT

JANG,

It kinda sucks to feel like you are having sex all by yourself.

And to answer this question in reverse it would be difficult to divorce a woman who multiple-orgasmed easily and was very wet.


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## MattMatt

@Justanormalguy please check your PMs.


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## BluesPower

Justanormalguy said:


> So she says it is distracting to stimulate herself during piv and doesnt want to do it. One time she said I should watch something on TV while she did it so I wasnt bored! Thats why i think she is thinking about a other guy or something else. It was the same when dating but I didn't give it too much thought as the actual sex was good. She also said she was the same with all her previous bfs.


You may have had some relationships, but now good healthy ones as far as this post goes... 

Now I know that some women have issues with their O's and have to work on them, and learn to loosen up, and bla, bla bla... 

But I have NEVER been with a woman that I could not get to O at some level. Some of them may have been one and done girls, or clit only girls or any of the other variations. 

But unless you are some kind of moronic dunce, then I think the issues are with your wife and maybe not you... 

I agree with an early poster, why is the hell did you EVER accept this or allow it to continue. And the Sex is not everything, while a one lever may be true, it is a huge part to keeping people together... Connecting. 

Dude, you need to get this fixed, like now, or get out. Could be she is just not the right girl for you.

I have to say that I think you are a fool for marrying this girl, I just cannot imagine...


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

Justanormalguy said:


> Ive just joined and I would like to see what others feel about this. My wife and I have been married about 10 years, we both are in our 30s and I would say have an alright marriage. We dated before we met and have had experience with other relationships. We both love each other and care for one another. But something is off sexually with us. Put simply the only way she can cum is just by playing with herself and she doesnt want me to touch her or be inside her or anything. When i ask what she thinks about ahe mentions ahe just thinks about a faceless man, which confuses me even more. She continues to tell me that alot of women cannot cum with their partners but I do think that is lie. This is now really affecting me and I feel less of a man, i feel like the guy that cannot do something that all women want and im sure that faceless guy she refers to is another guy she fantasies about. Now many of you may say 'there is more to marriage/life than sex, its about connection, she loves u and that what matters etc' but those are just feel good sentences and I really feel if this goes on, her or i will divorce.
> 
> Interested to hear other peoples reactions and comments


Yep, something is amiss.

Time for W to free-up or check out.

Good luck!


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## Steve2.0

Seems like you don't spark desire/arousal in your wife. I dont know your marital history or chemistry but was it always like this?

Did you gain weight and become inactive post marriage?


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## personofinterest

> Bottom line is if he was doing what it took for her to climax, it would happen.


This is a completely ignorant and inaccurate statement. It simply ISN'T that simple.


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## StillSearching

Justanormalguy said:


> Ive just joined and I would like to see what others feel about this. My wife and I have been married about 10 years, we both are in our 30s and I would say have an alright marriage. We dated before we met and have had experience with other relationships. We both love each other and care for one another. But something is off sexually with us. Put simply the only way she can cum is just by playing with herself and she doesnt want me to touch her or be inside her or anything. When i ask what she thinks about ahe mentions ahe just thinks about a faceless man, which confuses me even more. She continues to tell me that alot of women cannot cum with their partners but I do think that is lie. This is now really affecting me and I feel less of a man, i feel like the guy that cannot do something that all women want and im sure that faceless guy she refers to is another guy she fantasies about. Now many of you may say 'there is more to marriage/life than sex, its about connection, she loves u and that what matters etc' but those are just feel good sentences and I really feel if this goes on, her or i will divorce.
> 
> Interested to hear other peoples reactions and comments


It's called "INTIMACY".
She does not feel it with you. 
Look into her childhood.
Is she narcissistic?


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## moulinyx

personofinterest said:


> This is a completely ignorant and inaccurate statement. It simply ISN'T that simple.


How is it ignorant and inaccurate? He is not doing what it takes to get her to relax enough to climax. Period. I am not limiting this to just in the bedroom. How is not orgasming her fault?


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## personofinterest

The idea that every woman will orgasm if the man is doing it right is ridiculous and stupid. Some women have a lot of difficulty having an orgasm, and it has nothing to do with a man's skill. That also does not mean it is her salt. Sometimes that is just the way it is.


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## SongoftheSouth

personofinterest said:


> The idea that every woman will orgasm if the man is doing it right is ridiculous and stupid. Some women have a lot of difficulty having an orgasm, and it has nothing to do with a man's skill. That also does not mean it is her salt. Sometimes that is just the way it is.


Without getting too graphic could you expound upon this as it seems to be a great mystery to me and many others Im sure. As a general rule, man will cum np when things are right, so why wont a female if we are doing things correctly so to speak? Thus the feeling we are somehow not doing things right. I suspect the man who started this topic is feeling a bit like this.


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## TAMAT

Women will come when things are done right, but only with a right person. 

If they would only be honest about it.

There's a saying someone told me, "a woman is a different woman for every man she is with", he credited it as being a Korean saying but I've never been able to find it. 

Do we just accept that we are not that man, or no longer are?


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## aquarius1

SongoftheSouth said:


> Without getting too graphic could you expound upon this as it seems to be a great mystery to me and many others Im sure. As a general rule, man will cum np when things are right, so why wont a female if we are doing things correctly so to speak? Thus the feeling we are somehow not doing things right. I suspect the man who started this topic is feeling a bit like this.



My opinion only. As a woman I have so many things going on in my brain at any one time that I often find it hard to wind down and enjoy. I learned that I have to give myself permission to be “selfish” (Esther Perel) and focus on myself and the sensations. It’s not that you’re not doing it right, it’s that we can’t get out of our own head.
The OPs issue is regrettable and while I understand his partner’s behaviour, I believe that it’s essentially damaging intimacy as evidenced by his postings. That’s what needs to be addressed.


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## Laurentium

Justanormalguy said:


> So she says it is distracting to stimulate herself during piv and doesnt want to do it. ... She also said she was the same with all her previous bfs.


That makes perfect sense to me (as a man). 

Part of my job includes deciding whether to assign couples for (a) relationship counselling or (b) sex therapy. This falls close to the line, but I'd say relationship counselling.


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## CraigBesuden

I’m surprised by all the people who think this is something to divorce over. Especially given that you knew about this when you married her, and she supposedly had this problem with prior lovers.

I can’t tell you how to feel but this wouldn’t be a big issue for me.


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## TAMAT

Sometimes men have a hope that their wives will trust them enough after they marry share their innermost sexuality with their husbands. 

They hope to do well enough in life or in caring or earning that their wife becomes again who she was when they first dated.

If the wife faked it to get him to marry her then it's also a reason for annulment.


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## CraigBesuden

Justanormalguy said:


> Now many of you may say 'there is more to marriage/life than sex, its about connection, she loves u and that what matters etc' but those are just feel good sentences and I really feel if this goes on, her or i will divorce.


Over the holiday weekend, my FIL had some health issues. My MIL was halfway across the country, so my wife wanted to be with him. In order to ensure that my daughter had a good time and she wouldn’t feel guilty, she asked me to take my daughter to a nearby amusement park for the day. 

We invited along our neighbor friends’ two kids. We stayed until it closed, then went to dinner at their son’s favorite restaurant. We got home after midnight.

The next day I got a text from the neighbor wife. She thanked me for taking the kids, who said it was the best night of their lives, and called me “Uncle Craig.”

It’s more than just the non-sexual connection you have with your wife. There’s a whole web of relationships that we have with family, friends, and neighbors. I can’t imagine anybody divorcing over something like that.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti

moulinyx said:


> Seems nuts to file for divorce because his wife doesn't orgasm during sex and manually gets her release after. Men who jerk off instead of having sex is a totally different situation since that deprives the wife of the intimacy, but he is still getting sex in this situation. She is still wanting to my physical with him but has a hard time "getting there". Id like more explanation as to how he is deprived from good sex because she wasn't able to climax? Its not like she's making a choice not to? Just curious.
> 
> *Lets be real....SO many women never orgasm during sex. I didn't until I was literally 24. *Men put a lot of pressure on themselves and think sex isn't enjoyable without one. I didn't even know what I was missing out on until it happened, and it isn't something that happens every time. Stress of the day, not fully getting in the mood, and all sorts of factors play a role. Seems like she is just trying to quiet her mind.
> 
> Instead of pressuring her and feeling insecure, why not ask her to teach you? Not trying to sound mean, but maybe you're missing something and she doesn't want to make you feel bad by saying you aren't doing it the way she needs things done? Since you two have obviously been with each other since your early 20's, its not like there's a TON of experience in that department. Or get a smaller vibrator that is easy to use during sex? There's even finger tip ones.
> 
> It would be a shame to throw away 10 years of marriage....especially since it was like this when you married her. Things can always improve but to divorce over something she has always done (and you seemed okay with) would be really confusing for her.
> 
> Is this problem spilling over to other areas of the marriage?


They've been married 10 years now, so it's a safe bet she's over 24. 

The problem isn't that she doesn't orgasm with him... but rather that she's made it clear she doesn't want to orgasm with him... or at least would rather do it by herself. 

It's disrespectful. It's not loving. It's corrosive to what's supposed to be an intimate relationship.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti

Mr.Married said:


> I'd say the first order of business is to gain control of your insecurities.
> Which may well be quite reasonable at this point given her behavior.
> 
> She is giving you the "faceless" guy thing to protect your ego.
> 
> Let's be honest ...... You never thought of another woman while having sex? Come on ..... be truthful.
> Maybe not never, but certainly not always.... and reserving her orgasms for the either faceless or specific imaginary (or real) man.
> 
> While there are some other things with your wife I believe your getting a bit to swirled up in your head.
> 
> Orgasm ..... your wife's situation is not uncommon. Don't believe the porn movies.
> This is a false dichotomy. There's a lot of good quality ground between his reality and porn fiction
> 
> Woman can smell insecurity and self doubt a mile away.
> And they're apparently not above fueling it further.
> 
> Your putting to much pressure on the "you didn't orgasm with me" department.
> 
> The more pressure or talking you do .... the less likely it will happen.
> True enough. So one is faced with addressing the situation which gets negative results, or not addressing the situation, which of course gets you nowhere. Hence the thoughts of divorce.
> 
> If she needs to think of Aquaman to get off ..... let it be....or maybe even get her an aquarium.
> Which might be okay.... if she would at least to it with him. *But no, she thinks he should just go watch TV while she has her fun time. *Again, intolerably disrespectful and corrosive.
> 
> Don't over think it .... your only hurting yourself.
> Gotta think it through.... or face an entire life lacking what is for most couples, a key component of bonding.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

moulinyx said:


> How is it ignorant and inaccurate? He is not doing what it takes to get her to relax enough to climax. Period. I am not limiting this to just in the bedroom. How is not orgasming her fault?


He said she won't let him touch her / masturbate her, with her, or join in physically.

If she won't let him touch her in an intimate way, how can there even be a beginning?

Riddle me that batman. (Kindly, I'm not trying to be a smart butt although it may seem that way)


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

CraigBesuden said:


> Over the holiday weekend, my FIL had some health issues. My MIL was halfway across the country, so my wife wanted to be with him. In order to ensure that my daughter had a good time and she wouldn’t feel guilty, she asked me to take my daughter to a nearby amusement park for the day.
> 
> We invited along our neighbor friends’ two kids. We stayed until it closed, then went to dinner at their son’s favorite restaurant. We got home after midnight.
> 
> The next day I got a text from the neighbor wife. She thanked me for taking the kids, who said it was the best night of their lives, and called me “Uncle Craig.”
> 
> It’s more than just the non-sexual connection you have with your wife. There’s a whole web of relationships that we have with family, friends, and neighbors. I can’t imagine anybody divorcing over something like that.


It's the whole intimacy component, lack thereof, which affects almost all other non-roommate components. 

If one is happy with roommate status, oh well.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti

I understand (at least as well as a man can anyway) that many women struggle with this, and that pressure of any kind can destroy any hope of getting there...

...but...

... no matter how you slice it, this is a huge problem in two ways:

1. Having an orgasm with her partner is something _most _women really want. If this is not something she actively wants with him, there is a *huge *problem here, which likely runs much deeper than the mere mechanics of sexual contact. 

2. Being witness to his lover's orgasm is *massively important* to any man who loves his partner and want to give her pleasure and who seeks the most intimate emotional bond with her (setting aside those men who just want to "make her cum" for their own ego gratification). If this doesn't/can't happen, and especially if she is disinterested in this aspect of their relationship, there will always be a massive hole here. The implication presented earlier that one shouldn't worry about this if she's still willing to have sex because she's still "sharing intimacy," ignores the fact that while she's providing some level of intimacy, she's unwilling to share her most intimate moment. That is unhealthy for the relationship and something many (most?) would rightfully consider unacceptable.


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## StillSearching

No intimacy = no O.

Ask yourself...Why is she checked out?
I would not put up with that very long.


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## Mr.Married

Quoted:

((((((I'd say the first order of business is to gain control of your insecurities.
Which may well be quite reasonable at this point given her behavior.

She is giving you the "faceless" guy thing to protect your ego.

Let's be honest ...... You never thought of another woman while having sex? Come on ..... be truthful.
Maybe not never, but certainly not always.... and reserving her orgasms for the either faceless or specific imaginary (or real) man. 

While there are some other things with your wife I believe your getting a bit to swirled up in your head.

Orgasm ..... your wife's situation is not uncommon. Don't believe the porn movies.
This is a false dichotomy. There's a lot of good quality ground between his reality and porn fiction

"Woman can smell insecurity and self doubt a mile away.
And they're apparently not above fueling it further.

Your putting to much pressure on the "you didn't orgasm with me" department.

The more pressure or talking you do .... the less likely it will happen.
True enough. So one is faced with addressing the situation which gets negative results, or not addressing the situation, which of course gets you nowhere. Hence the thoughts of divorce. 

If she needs to think of Aquaman to get off ..... let it be....or maybe even get her an aquarium.
Which might be okay.... if she would at least to it with him. But no, she thinks he should just go watch TV while she has her fun time. Again, intolerably disrespectful and corrosive. 

Don't over think it .... your only hurting yourself.
Gotta think it through.... or face an entire life lacking what is for most couples, a key component of bonding." ))))))

End Quote.




OK fair enough .... well countered :wink2:


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## personofinterest

SongoftheSouth said:


> Without getting too graphic could you expound upon this as it seems to be a great mystery to me and many others Im sure. As a general rule, man will cum np when things are right, so why wont a female if we are doing things correctly so to speak? Thus the feeling we are somehow not doing things right. I suspect the man who started this topic is feeling a bit like this.


There are women out there who just plain have difficulty having an orgasm, whether for physiological or psychological reasons. And sometimes illness, fatigue, or stress can affect this. Or worry. For me, having sex is actually a relief from worry or stress. But for some women, they have not learned that benefit for themselves and would prefer NOT to have sex when stressed because they cannot release the stress.

I guess you could compare it to the man whose job is terrible and who had a stressful day, and that night, even though his wife wore sexy lingerie and touched him just right, he just can't seem to rise to the occasion. It's not really about her or him. It just is.


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## WorkingWife

Justanormalguy said:


> So she says it is distracting to stimulate herself during piv and doesnt want to do it. One time she said I should watch something on TV while she did it so I wasnt bored! Thats why i think she is thinking about a other guy or something else. It was the same when dating but I didn't give it too much thought as the actual sex was good. She also said she was the same with all her previous bfs.


These women definitely exist - I'm one of them. I'm going to send you a PM with some details and ideas for you that I don't want to post publicly. 

I would not take it as a bad thing that she says watch TV so you don't get bored. I have done the same thing and it worked out great for all concerned. ;-) She probably feels self conscious that it takes her so long and can't relax if she is worried about you worrying about her...


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## Mr The Other

Justanormalguy said:


> Ive just joined and I would like to see what others feel about this. My wife and I have been married about 10 years, we both are in our 30s and I would say have an alright marriage. We dated before we met and have had experience with other relationships. We both love each other and care for one another. But something is off sexually with us. Put simply the only way she can cum is just by playing with herself and she doesnt want me to touch her or be inside her or anything. When i ask what she thinks about ahe mentions ahe just thinks about a faceless man, which confuses me even more. She continues to tell me that alot of women cannot cum with their partners but I do think that is lie. This is now really affecting me and I feel less of a man, i feel like the guy that cannot do something that all women want and im sure that faceless guy she refers to is another guy she fantasies about. Now many of you may say 'there is more to marriage/life than sex, its about connection, she loves u and that what matters etc' but those are just feel good sentences and I really feel if this goes on, her or i will divorce.
> 
> Interested to hear other peoples reactions and comments


Marriage is a sexual union. She has walked out on your marriage and is continuing to live with you.


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## WorkingWife

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> They've been married 10 years now, so it's a safe bet she's over 24.
> 
> The problem isn't that she doesn't orgasm with him... but rather that she's made it clear she doesn't want to orgasm with him... or at least would rather do it by herself.
> 
> It's disrespectful. It's not loving. It's corrosive to what's supposed to be an intimate relationship.


I usually agree with your posts, but as a woman very similar to what he has described, I think you're way off base here. 

Has she made it clear she doesn't WANT to orgasm with him and would RATHER do it by herself? Or is she saying that's the only way she's able to orgasm? I understand why this is killing intimacy for him, but it would also kill intimacy if this is the case and she just lied to him and faked it to save his feelings.

Depending on her actual attitude, which is not totally clear from his post, if she can get comfortable climaxing with him in close proximity and if she WANTS to involve him, just hasn't been able to get there when he's moving around and doing things, then if he can relax and stop taking it personally, because it likely isn't, maybe they can figure out a way where she can orgasm with him. But if this is a big issue to him, and he keeps questioning her on it and doubting himself, then it's going to put more pressure on her and probably make it even less likely.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti

WorkingWife said:


> I usually agree with your posts, but as a woman very similar to what he has described, I think you're way off base here.
> 
> Has she made it clear she doesn't WANT to orgasm with him and would RATHER do it by herself? Or is she saying that's the only way she's able to orgasm? I understand why this is killing intimacy for him, but it would also kill intimacy if this is the case and she just lied to him and faked it to save his feelings.
> 
> Depending on her actual attitude, which is not totally clear from his post, if she can get comfortable climaxing with him in close proximity and if she WANTS to involve him, just hasn't been able to get there when he's moving around and doing things, then if he can relax and stop taking it personally, because it likely isn't, maybe they can figure out a way where she can orgasm with him. But if this is a big issue to him, and he keeps questioning her on it and doubting himself, then it's going to put more pressure on her and probably make it even less likely.


Thanks for the vote of confidence. 

I guess that's not explicit, but it sure seems that way if she tells him to go watch TV while she takes care of herself. Add to that her lack of interest in finding a way to be able to share (not reading up on the subject, etc). 

The thing is, you're not going to get anywhere if you don't address it. He HAS to bring it up, or else it's status quo forever which is unacceptable. So if you bring it up, you kill it. If you don't bring it up, it just stays dead. When approached from that point he's damned if he do and damned if he don't. A genuine no win scenario. This is again reinforced by her rather disrespectful dismissal of him. 

Truth in advertising here: my response is admittedly colored by my own experience, but that experience is remarkably similar to his (minus the part about her wanting to get herself off--my wife's masturbation was, as far as I know, very infrequent). My wife is obsessive about self improvement and has long been a voracious reader. She would read self help books, how to be a better conversationalst books, spiritual growth books, overcoming your past books, etc ad infinitum. But nary a book about being a better lover or even how to enjoy sex more yourself. Any suggestion to do so was met with hurt, rebuke, and shaming. 

I waited 7 years into the marriage before even bringing up the orgasm topic, and I did so in the gentlest way possible. Nevertheless, it didn't go well. I waited another half decade before revisiting the subject. Then it went south again. Waited again another three years before addressing it again. She talked about giving it a real shot, but what we got out of the effort was a third child which I did not (at that time) want (but she did). 

normalguy's debacle sounds a lot like mine.


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## WorkingWife

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> WW Question: _Has she made it clear she doesn't WANT to orgasm with him and would RATHER do it by herself?_
> 
> Answer: I guess that's not explicit, but it sure seems that way if she tells him to go watch TV while she takes care of herself. Add to that her lack of interest in finding a way to be able to share (not reading up on the subject, etc).


See, I see that as her trying to be considerate. I guess this comes down to her overall attitude. I suggest my guy go do something else because literally, it can take me over an hour with the latest technology and even then sometimes nothing.... What is the poor guy to do? Just sit there and watch me stare at the ceiling for 90 minutes only to finally mutter "nevermind..." ? I would feel so self conscious it would never EVER happen.

However, if I think it's going to happen I let him know and he drops everything to come join the fun. (Thank God the TV pauses these days! Just kidding.) ANYHOW, if her attitude is "I'd rather just take care of myself and I have no interest in having this experience _with _you, there's no way that will ever work." Then yeah, I agree with you -- this is important to him, and to them as a couple. Why would she _*deny *_him that shared experience?

I just didn't necessarily get that that was her attitude from his post. Maybe he will enlighten us with more details.

PS - what you went through sounds like hell. That would be incredibly hurtful and depressing to be married to someone who didn't care to share that most intimate part of marriage with you. It's kind of cruel.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti

WorkingWife said:


> See, I see that as her trying to be considerate. I guess this comes down to her overall attitude. I suggest my guy go do something else because literally, it can take me over an hour with the latest technology and even then sometimes nothing.... What is the poor guy to do? Just sit there and watch me stare at the ceiling for 90 minutes only to finally mutter "nevermind..." ? I would feel so self conscious it would never EVER happen.
> 
> However, if I think it's going to happen I let him know and he drops everything to come join the fun. (Thank God the TV pauses these days! Just kidding.) ANYHOW, if her attitude is "I'd rather just take care of myself and I have no interest in having this experience _with _you, there's no way that will ever work." Then yeah, I agree with you -- this is important to him, and to them as a couple. Why would she _*deny *_him that shared experience?
> 
> I just didn't necessarily get that that was her attitude from his post. Maybe he will enlighten us with more details.
> 
> PS - what you went through sounds like hell. That would be incredibly hurtful and depressing to be married to someone who didn't care to share that most intimate part of marriage with you. It's kind of cruel.


At least give the guy the option! Will it take an hour? Great, I'm up for an hour. Heck, that may even better. The journey is as much fun as the destination, and when you're enjoying the journey, it's not even work in the first place.


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## CraigBesuden

She can learn to orgasm with a partner. It may take her a while to un-learn and re-learn, but it can happen.

That won’t necessarily stop you from wondering if she’s thinking about another man, though.


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## JMH1983333

Does your wife suffer from anxiety or another mental illness like ptsd? Is she on antidepressants? These things can affect her sex drive and mental state. If she has too much on her mind and can’t block out the noise, it may make it hard for her to focus. If she suffers from anxiety, she may be concerned about taking too long, so all she can think is that you’re annoyed or tired, distracting her from the goal. I know a few people that suffer from this, men and women. If u think could be the case, u need to talk with her and tell her for the sake of ur marriage, she needs to work with u. Try making her comfortable with dim lights or candles, aromatherapy scents, and if u have to, give her an eye mask and headphones for music (sexy or relaxation mix). Tell her to relax her body and mind and think of nothing except the goal of finishing, no matter how long it takes. Hopefully if she relaxes enough, it will help her finish faster. As far as her imagining a faceless man, I can believe that. She’s probably just thinking of a random male body. Don’t be upset if it’s not u she’s think of. Everyone has an imagination. You can just as easily imagine another woman. She’s not cheating physically or emotionally. It’s just an image. She still chooses u at the end of the day. Hope this helps.


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## JMH1983333

And to be clear from my previous post, I wasn’t suggesting an eye mask and headphones during sex, only oral play. After doing this several times, she may find it’s easier to finish than she thought and feel more comfortable. From that point, ease your way into having her play with it while having sex, even if she needs a toy. Climaxing is not the same for women. It is very difficult and as pointed out before, women often have a lot on their mind versus a man that can only think of one thing during the act. It’s not easy. Just talk with her and be understanding. Don’t be mean or defensive. It’s only going to make her feel even more insecure and the situation will get worse. This is definitely not something to divorce over. You could be in a way worse situation such a completely sexless marriage like many on here are experiencing. Good luck friend.


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