# How do you know whether to fix it or ditch it?



## JewelDT (Feb 11, 2021)

My husband and I are coming up on our 3rd wedding anniversary but we've been together for 16 years. 

I can't say our relationship is healthy in any aspect really. I have lied to him before (primarily about finances). And he's emotionally abused me (name calling, saying I'm lazy, and generally tearing down my self esteem).

We have good days, many of them. Where we get along and have fun. But lately I'm realizing that I've changed as a person. I won't tolerate his abuse, I don't agree with a lot of his political beliefs, and I am starting to realize that maybe all this time I'm not the bad guy, that I deserve to have a happy life. 

On the bad days, I think about what it might be like to be free of him. But on the good days, I love him and don't want to leave him. 

My heart is so troubled and confused. We have no kids (but do have a dog that I love so much).

Do I keep working at this? Is this normal in a marriage? Or do I run for the hills?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Is there a reason you posted this thread in the _Coping with Infidelity_ section?

Are you contemplating cheating?


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Do you wish you could have your last sixteen years back ?????


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

"How do you know whether to fix it or ditch it?"

Well for starters, is he willing to even try fixing it? That's step one. 

If he's not willing to fix it, then you have two choices: Accept things the way they are or leave. If he's willing to fix it and give a real effort, IMO, you should at least try.


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## JewelDT (Feb 11, 2021)

Opps, no I thought this was in the divorce forum.

I'll copy and paste to the right forum


bobert said:


> "How do you know whether to fix it or ditch it?"
> 
> Well for starters, is he willing to even try fixing it? That's step one.
> 
> If he's not willing to fix it, then you have two choices: Accept things the way they are or leave. If he's willing to fix it and give a real effort, IMO, you should at least try.


 Today he texted me that he's going to look into a divorce attorney, so I guess there is my answer, since he had been unwilling to talk to me for the last 2 days.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

The first thing you need to do is get your priorities straight. The most important things are asset distribution, support, and who (if either) gets the house.

Custody of the dog should be below those items. 

Forget about the blame game, you're way past that since you're both looking to get out. Going forward it's business only, keep emotions out of it. 

Marriage is a financial contract with a person who is nothing more than a soon to be ex business partner, you're looking to nullify the contract as quickly and inexpensively as possible.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

JewelDT said:


> I've been put as the blame for all his problems (granted I have caused some when it comes to finances).


Why are finances "his" problem? Why does he say you're "lazy" ?

This should be one of the first things considered. Any financial problems created by you should be solved by you.
By your own statement on the other thread :



JewelDT said:


> I have lied to him before (primarily about finances).


You should "come clean" and set the record right before getting your divorce. Your lying is far more detrimental to your "self esteem" than any "name calling"....

If you want to divorce, then no one can stop you, and I won't try. Suffice it to say that I see no moral imperatives calling for divorce. There may be more to the story than what you are telling.....


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@JewelDT,

I merged your two threads. You will get better input with one thread on a topic.


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## danrt68 (Feb 17, 2021)

JewelDT said:


> My husband and I are coming up on our 3rd wedding anniversary but we've been together for 16 years.
> 
> I can't say our relationship is healthy in any aspect really. I have lied to him before (primarily about finances). And he's emotionally abused me (name calling, saying I'm lazy, and generally tearing down my self esteem).
> 
> ...


This sounds much like my current situation, but I'm on the other end of it. I could be your husband in your story. So let me give you a point of view from the other side.

Ten years in. First 5 were great, despite a couple significant lies. I got past it. Regained trust. We were still hot for each other. Then the big, relationship crushing lie about a year later. I agreed to ultimately stay and work through it.

Her general laziness has increased. She was never as concerned about home tidiness as I was, but she wasn't terrible. But this has gotten worse over the last years.

Yeah, she hires a maid to come through every once in a while as part of her effort to fix things in this regard. But in between those times I feel like I'm running around the house picking up after a 5 year old. Continually. I will clean something, wipe down kitchen, clean dishes, get ready to prepare a dinner, only to turn to find a fresh coffee cup or other items in the sink. I just can't deal with the mess.

Tried dealing with it constructively. Never worked. Tried being stern. Would improve a day or two, then right back to old story.

Laziness carries over into bedroom. She likes sex, but it has gotten far too sparse, and far too routine. Any time I try anything else, it is "no, I just want this".

Boredom is reigning supreme. And I have pulled away. Not just from that, but it doesn't help.

I could go on and on.

"Personal care" as far as trimming has left the wayside for years. Despite my requests (and even paid for laser removal which she never used). It is Buckwheat in a leg lock down there, and it gives me the jeebies. Before she said "well, I wax for me, because I feel better". Now, she's gone full "long term relationship bush", and no matter how gently I put things, it remains.

The bj's stopped years ago. At the time due to a chipped tooth (ouch). But they never picked back up. Something for years she told me she "loved to do", now says that "no woman likes to do that". 

Things get left where she leaves them. Mail, boxes, shoes in the middle of the living room, half filled coffee cups, dishes. If I don't toss them in the closet, there will be 4 pairs under the table by end of week. Mail, packages, and work notes pile up on the dining room table and are never sorted through. All she wants to do is sit on the couch and play games on her phone.

So yeah, I've become angry. And bitter. And a few weeks ago I had too much to drink. She nagged at me, and I bit her head off. Used about the worst word you could use. Ranted for a while. It was not pretty. Pretty ugly actually. But, it was never like this before. I was wrong, but I'm just frustrated.

So I left. Have not seen her since that time. Sure, initially I was the bad guy because I snapped at her. But now she's blowing up my phone with texts. Neither of us has suggested getting back together, but I keep getting pics sent to me of "better times" of things we did together. Texts asking how am I doing, etc. Even though I told her I do not want contact with her for a while.

I've tried working it out with her constructively for years. Got nowhere. Now it has become destructive behavior by me (the anger, name calling). And that's not me. So now I'm done. 

She says I "tear her down" because I'm always "telling her what she does wrong and how bad she is". But she has fixed NOTHING! Not a damn thing! She is just "present" in the relationship. She's not working for it or contributing to it.

She said recently "I'm starting to realize it is you that's the problem, not me. I don't need this abuse". Abuse? Tearing her down? Because she has not contributed one damn thing to this relationship other than lies, laziness, and her mere "presence" for years?

Short of counseling, I tried my best.

This is either it, or will be the wakeup call she needs. Because I know one thing, for me, being alone, bouts of doubt, missing her, etc., will NEVER make me go back to that situation. She either cleans up her act, or I'm done for good. Second time I left. First time was for a couple days. This time I'm not screwing around. I'm taking time and I'm preparing myself for moving on.

So, when he says you are "lazy", there may be some things you need to really work on. Now, if your "laziness" is because you don't pick up after his mess, then that's a different story. Tell him to go pound sand. But if it is not picking up after yourself, letting personal hygene slip to levels he's not okay with, or laziness about the relationship....well, take a good look within yourself and see if that is the case.

Ask yourself this: If what he is asking of you (as far as being "lazy") are things you did early on in the relationship, and would do again in a new relationship, why did you stop?

You could either do those things again for your husband, and rebuild, or take the crap shoot of doing it for a new man who may indeed be quite a bad person and completely incompatible with you. Yeah, you'd get the new love tingles for a while. But about year 1 reality sets in. This new guy is an idiot. Meanwhile, old guy has moved on. 

The lies can be relationship killers as well. Takes a ton of effort to come back from that.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

danrt68 said:


> Abuse? Tearing her down?


"Abuse" is the "race card" of relationships. Like "race card", it is used to stop the argument whenever the person has no legitimate refutal for the allegation being made.

I do not mean this to say that there are no situations in which "abuse" can correctly describe the dynamics. It's like "race" in that way, too.


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