# 48 hours into finding out, I'm devastated.....



## 2013simonandlloyd (Mar 10, 2013)

Sorry in advance for the long post.....

It's now been 48 hours since I learned my wife is/was having an emotional affair and my heart is absolutely crushed. I'm not sure our marriage can survive this but I want to stay positive. 

We have been together for over 12 years and have been married for 10. We have two children (ages 5 and 7), and have built what most would think is a wonderful life together with great friends, great careers, live in a great place, kids go to great schools, etc.

Like many couples, we let our relationship change with the birth of our first child. We had alot of difficulty conceiving and eventually had to turn to invitro in order for her to get pregnant. The medical nature of that experience took the fun out of our sex life, never to return, which in looking back, started the slow death of the emotional intimacy between us, which is why the affair happened. We have absolutely lost touch with each other. We have had serious discussions about the lack of closeness between us over the past 5 years, but never truly took steps to address this and so nothing really changed. 

My learning of the affair began with a conversation Thursday night. I think for both of us, once again, the feeling that we were not getting what we needed from one another led to a serious discussion where we both agreed to start counceling. Later that night, I couldn't sleep, got up, and for some reason, decided to check her phone. I dont know why, but I did, and when I did, I learned of the phone discussions she was having, the email discussions, and all the secretive planning that was going on between her and a guy she used to work with 20 years ago to get together. This has been going on for the past 2 months and I believe was escalating toward something physical eventually. 

She says that she was going to tell me, that she was holding off based on concern for me, that she didn't want to stress me out because of the fact she thought I was already stressed out. Truth be told, I am carrying alot of added stress right now as I started a brand new job last week and we just closed on a new family vacation property 2 weeks ago. 

My initial reaction was shock, heart break, and disbelief....I didn't think she was capable of being so deceitful and deceptive; then anger...I am so angry about this, I can hardly see straight, and finally despair...my heart is broken and i'm just destroyed....

We have so much invested in our lives together, and I absolutely still love her deeply, and I think she loves me. I want to make this work. I think she wants to make this work. We are going to start counceling this week and she has ended the relationship with the other person yesterday. 

I want this to work so badly...but i'm just crushed at this moment am having a hard time dealing with the heartbreak.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Read the newbies link.
Reread.

Calm yourself down.

Don't take her bullish7t reasons for not letting you know. She was never willing to make you know.

You should get full details, find out if it had gone physical.

Stay strong.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

She has to stop all contact immediately and she has to she going forward that she has stayed no contact

This means complete transparency for her.

If you try to win her back to bing faithful by being nice and showing you trust her, you will find you are in fact just enabling the affair and driving her away.


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## BeenthereDunThat (Nov 27, 2012)

2013, this forum will provide you with a lot of good information and advice. What you are feeling is normal and there are many here who understand the devastation caused by your wife's betrayal. The following may help you -- while you are 50% responsible for your marriage you are 0% responsible for your wife's affair.


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## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

She was not going to tell you anything, make no mistake.

Cheaters' mindset: "Hey as long as I'm not caught, everything's fine. Fvck what my bf/gf/fiancee/betrothed/spouse thinks."


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

The worst thing you can do is make her believe you will give her unconditional forgiveness. And start to work on your co-dependency right now. No man needs a woman to function. And if you want to make it work prepare for a long hard road. Also figure out what your deal breakers are.

This place is loaded with good people, stick around and someone smarter then me will be be advising you.

Oh, and try to eat and sleep, if you can. You will need your strength.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> She has to stop all contact immediately and she has to she going forward that she has stayed no contact
> 
> This means complete transparency for her.
> 
> If you try to win her back to bing faithful by being nice and showing you trust her, you will find you are in fact just enabling the affair and driving her away.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

To save your marriage you must tell her that she goes immediate NC. Forever. That this is unacceptable. If she fights this tell her that because it is unacceptable you will have to filke for divorce if she persists. Ye this is the option to stay married.

Above all she can not be doing any travelling now. Realize this guy can come visit no matter how far away he may be.

But this is VERY serious as they are planning on hooking up.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

In 2010 my WS had a very sexual ea with a guy in Nashville. She lied, lied again and again. Never told me a thing without me showing her the evidence. I went in for counseling and my counselor said my WS would do it again and if the guy was local it would be a PA. Talked to my WS about it a dozen times. She said it would never happen. In 9 months it did. Then more lies. False R in 2012. Now I found out there have been multiple A's during the last year and her behavior has gotten worse with strangers in her car.

If your wife does not come completely clean there is little hope, read the posts on true R. 

Most WS will not come clean until caught, they are in the "fog". It is what they do after being caught that will matter the most and of course what you decide. 

D is an option at this point.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Simon and Lloyd



> *She says that she was going to tell me,* that she was holding off based on concern for me, that she didn't want to stress me out because of the fact she thought I was already stressed out. Truth be told, I am carrying alot of added stress right now as I started a brand new job last week and we just closed on a new family vacation property 2 weeks ago.


Your wife is lying to you. She was not going to tell you. You need to realize that your wife right now is not the woman you originally married. She is a liar, a cheater.

Once you realize that you will deal with her and her betrayal better. 

Anyone that can have an affair is selfish. EA or PA does not matter. She is selfish.

She was not thinking of you or the kids only herself.




> *I think she loves me*.


It is time to find out. I am sure she will tell you she has lost love for you but I bet you have not. You are out working, paying the bills, buying her a vacation dream home.

Just realize how she has repaid you? by having an EA with an old boyfriend. Your wife was living in a fantasy noy a reality. 

Remember that. And find out if she still loves you.



> *which in looking back, started the slow death of the emotional intimacy between us, which is why the affair happened*.


No! The Affair happended because your wife made a conscious decision to cross the line in your marriage and let a 3rd person into it. That was her decision! Her choice!

Marriages have issues like this all the time. Two people that love each other and respect each other discuss these issues openly and work together to resolve them.

If she no longer loved you or wanted to be married to you she could have divorced you.

Instead she chose to cheat. Remember that.......



> *I think she wants to make this work. We are going to start counceling this week and she has ended the relationship with the other person yesterday*.


Verify that she has eneded the relationship. If the POSOM has a GF or wife you let her know ASAP without telling your wife.

You expose the Affair, you bring it out in the open and you kill it.

And if she complains about your actions, well that speaks volumes about how badly she wants to repair the marriage doesn't it.

You will get more advice later today.

HM64


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I hope you can save your family. Your wife needs to be aware that she was cheating on you and your child.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

As you gather evidence, don't reveal your sources. If she has not broken it off with this guy, she can take it underground and then it will be more difficult to find more evidence. She can always get a secret (burner) phone.

Beware of "I love you, but I'm not in love with you". Beware of blame shifting and gaslighting. Cheaters lie. Cheaters will say anything they can to take the attention from themselves. Cheaters will even use sex to distract the spouse......more frequency and more intensity.

The most important piece of advice from us......Be prepared to lose the marriage to save it. You will be in a better place to make the right decisions if you emotionally disconnect yourself from your wife. She is already emotionally disconnected from you. It puts you on equal ground this way. The other guy is her priority right now.


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## kenmoore14217 (Apr 8, 2010)

*LIE*

She says that she was going to tell me, that she was holding off based on concern for me, that she didn't want to stress me out because of the fact she thought I was already stressed out.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

kenmoore14217 said:


> *LIE*
> 
> She says that she was going to tell me, that she was holding off based on concern for me, that she didn't want to stress me out because of the fact she thought I was already stressed out.


The sad thing this might have been a lie.* But it was a lie she was telling herself!*


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## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

2013simonandlloyd said:


> My initial reaction was shock, heart break, and disbelief....I didn't think she was capable of being so deceitful and deceptive; then anger...I am so angry about this, I can hardly see straight, and finally despair...my heart is broken and i'm just destroyed....


Don't let these reactions be just "initial" good sir and retain all for further use.

You'll be surprised how handy they'll prove to be, when the waterworks start.


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## BeenthereDunThat (Nov 27, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> The sad thing this might have been a lie.* But it was a lie she was telling herself!*


Matt, good point. Based on my experience and what I have learned on TAM and other reading on the topic of Infidelity the WS's attempts to justify their decision is one lie after another.


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## livinfree (Sep 7, 2012)

*Re: Re: 48 hours into finding out, I'm devastated.....*



illwill said:


> No man needs a woman to function.


QFT.

Wish I had realized that in the beginning.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

*Conditions of MC*

1. The affair must be over with OM
2. She must WANT the affair to be over

That is the starting point.

*In counseling*

1. She needs to agree to be totally transparent. 
2. She needs to accept responsibility for the affair. 100%
3. You need to accept 50% of the problems in the realtionship.

If [and when] she shows no remorse of promises action and accountability. 
*Move to step three*

CANCEL ALL FURTHER MC. Proceed with Divorce


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## Doyle (Mar 6, 2013)

I'm sorry for whatyour going through mate.

I know maybe you can get things back together but while your trying get a keylogger on on your computor.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Where does the other man live? Is he married with kids?


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

Dear 2013simonandlloyd,

Let me make a few observations about your post and then give you some advice.



2013simonandlloyd said:


> Sorry in advance for the long post.....
> 
> It's now been 48 hours since I learned my wife is/was having an emotional affair and my heart is absolutely crushed. I'm not sure our marriage can survive this but I want to stay positive. * [You don't yet know how far your WW's affair has gotten. She will likely minimize and even lie about what has happened. Staying "positive" about the future of your marriage is not what you want to do because it will send a message to your WW that she can get away with cheating on you. Instead, you want to send the message that you will not tolerate this and, if she does not do everything you expect of her from now on, you will quickly end the marriage.]*
> 
> ...


Now I'm going to give you the most important piece of advice that anyone can about how to save your marriage. It is based on a popular saying on TAM: _"If you want to save your marriage, you must be willing to end it."_ The reason is as follows:

Your WW has learned that she can cheat on you and get away with it. Until now, she has accomplished this by deceiving you. Now, while she will continue to try to deceive you, she will add a new arrow to her quiver, the _pretense_ that she is sorry for what she has done and will be a good wife from now on. She will do everything she can to placate you and keep you in line while she comes up with new deceptions and ways to continue her affair. The only way to prevent this is to let her know that you are so outraged by what she has done that she will only get one chance to start fixing things before you end the marriage. Any sign from you that she can continue to cheat will be accepted as an indication that you are not serious about requiring that she end her affair. The only leverage you have to do this is your intention to divorce her if she fails. You need to accept this and she needs to believe it.

Your job now is to find out if your WW is prepared to do the things she must to save her marriage. The best way to do this is to take charge of the situation and tell your wife exactly what you need her to do. Some suggestions:

(1) She will tell you everything that happened between her and the OM and show you all messages between them, and then, if you ask her to, take a polygraph test to prove that she's told you the whole truth.

(2) She will write the OM a letter saying that she believes their continuing to have any further contact would jeopardize her marriage and instructing him not to contact her again. She will give you the letter so that you can mail it. She will never contact him again nor respond to any communications from him, and she will tell you of any attempts on the OM's part to contact her.

(3) She will be an open book to you, letting you see all her e-mails and text messages whenever and for as long as you like. She will also stop going out with others if you are not present. If there are any activities that she engages in that would allow her to see the OM, she will stop all such activities immediately.

(4) She will work with you to identify what went wrong in your marriage that may have contributed to her straying. (BTW, MC may help but only if you get a marriage counselor who is familiar with infidelity issues and takes a tough approach against cheaters. If you opt for MC, be sure that you choose the counselor and that he/she is not going to let your WW sweep her cheating under the rug.)

These are commonly suggested steps to ensure that an inappropriate relationship is truly and finally ended so that the reconciliation process can begin. You don't have to ask for all of them and their may be others things you need her to do. But make sure you think about what you need and tell her about all of them. _You will only get one chance at this._

In return, you will promise her that, if she follows through on her promises, you will do your best never again to complain about what she did and will work on your marriage with her so that she is never again tempted to stray. This includes listening carefully to any of her needs that she feels you are not meeting.

But if she balks (and here's where you find out whether your marriage is "meant to be"), you must tell her that you will end the marriage. You must be prepared to say this and say it like you mean it (even if you don't).

Prepare yourself for this conversation (know exactly what you're going to say). Have it in a place and at a time where and when you both are comfortable (arrange this in advance and tell her that she needs to be prepared to have a serious conversation). When you deliver your message be firm but calm. Don't raise your voice or do anything else that would make her uncomfortable. If she gives you excuses why she shouldn't have to do some of the things you ask, don't argue with her. Simply say something like, "I told you what I want. I'm not forcing you to do anything but instead giving you a chance to work with me to fix our marriage. If you can't or won't do what I ask, I will accept that, but then I don't want to be your H anymore because I don't want to spend the rest of my life with someone that I don't trust and who is not prepared to do the hard work necessary to have a great marriage."

This may sound extreme but, right now, you're getting half truths and, as a result, are in agony and your marriage is in limbo. What you need to know to move forward with your life (either with your WW or without her) is whether your WW wants really to save her marriage or not, and the only way you are going to learn this is to make it clear to her that you are prepared to end it if she's not willing to give you what you need from her.

Check out some of the other stories on TAM and you will learn that, for most women, even "good" women, it is only the realization that their marriage is on the line that brings them to their senses. Also, please understand that what most women really want is for their H to be a stand up kind of man who leads them gently but firmly while providing them with their basic needs like security, respect and affection (including lots of sex). This may be the 21st century but our genetic make up is largely unchanged since the days when human beings literally had to fight for survival. This means that women are attracted most strongly to men who know what they want and go out and get it. It also means that the best way to lose her (now or sometime in the future) is to be whiny, indecisive and fearful. No women worth having wants a H like that.

BTW, whatever happens between you and your W, you would benefit greatly from reading _The Married Man Sex Life Primer_ by Athol Kay. It's full of information about how to be the kind man woman are attracted to and want be with. Obviously, you have failed in this capacity and you need to learn why and how to fix it, either so that you can have a fulfilling relationship with your WW in the future or in order to prepare yourself to find another, better, mate.

I hope you find this helpful and, whatever you decide to do, I wish the best for you and your family.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

I am sorry for what you are feeling, and for what you are about to go through. You do not deserve it.

You are going to get a lot of advice that has been hard won by those giving it. It may seem counter intuitive to you. You may think there is no way we can possibly know the particular details that make your case, your wife unique. It isn't, and she isn't. Your not going to get any sugar coating or kid gloves here for the most part, your going to get advice that is looking out for the best interest of you, your kids, and maybe even your wife.

If you feel a hardline approach will only serve to push your wife away, well you need to realize she already is away. She is for all intents and purposes a drug addict. She may do anything to keep her supply intact, and that is her contact with the OM. Expose the affair. to the oms significant other, to your family, to your wife's family. Ask for their support at this time.

You are in a war for your family, and you have already lost several battles that you didn't even know about. Trust nothing your wife says at this point, watch her actions. Monitor her communications clandestinely. Get a keylogger on the home computer, spyware her phone, put a voice activated recorder in her car. You cannot trust without verification for the next while.

No contact with the other man is imperative. Have her write a no contact letter, that you get to review and veto any soppiness, and you send it. She needs to go through withdrawal in order to pull her head out of her ass.

You need to temper your anger if you want your marriage to survive, because you need to become available to meet her emotional needs going forward. It is a very difficult balancing act.


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

SadandAngry said:


> I am sorry for what you are feeling, and for what you are about to go through. You do not deserve it.
> 
> You are going to get a lot of advice that has been hard won by those giving it. It may seem counter intuitive to you. You may think there is no way we can possibly know the particular details that make your case, your wife unique. It isn't, and she isn't. Your not going to get any sugar coating or kid gloves here for the most part, your going to get advice that is looking out for the best interest of you, your kids, and maybe even your wife.
> 
> ...


SadandAngry,

I agree with everything you said with the exception of the last point.

At the moment, meeting the WW's emotional needs isn't the task. Rather, it is to get her to end her affair so that reconciliation can start.

2013simonandlloyd's WW needs to see that he is angry about what she is doing. That doesn't mean that he should be overly demonstrative or become abusive, but she needs to know that he won't tolerate any more cheating.

If she breaks it off with the OM, there will be time for him to show his concern for her emotional needs. But now is not that time.

As has been proven over and over on TAM, you can't "nice" your WW out of an affair. You have to demand that she end it or end the marriage yourself.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

2013simonandlloyd said:


> Sorry in advance for the long post.....
> 
> It's now been 48 hours since I learned my wife is/was having an emotional affair and *my heart is absolutely crushed*. I'm not sure our marriage can survive this but I want to stay positive.
> 
> ...


Don't let wishful thinking get in the way of saving your marriage. We all WANT to save it, but it won't work if saving your marriage comes at the price of your own dignity and self-respect.

First thing you have to do is kill the affair. If your wife has been communicating for 2 months and planning to meet and exchanging "I love you"s and sexual banter, then she has reached the point where she "loves you but is not IN LOVE with you." Any continued contact and prolonged thinking about other man will prevent her from re-establishing being "in love" with you.

If your wife is not "in love" with you, that means that she is IN LOVE with the other man. Say it to yourself so it sinks in, hear the sound of it: "My wife is IN LOVE with another man." Whatever else you "think" you know about how your wife feels, know that. That is the truth.

Your wife may have ended it with the other man, but that doesn't mean it can't start up again, and likely will. Neither will be able to stop from contacting the other after a few days pass. They will want to see if the other is "doing OK." What they really will be doing is keeping their relationship alive (at the expense of yours).

First thing, buy a voice-activated recorder and some heavy-duty velcro and put it in your wife's car. Monitor for at least two weeks. Either it will allow you to nip any re-established contact in the bud, or it will allow you to build trust that the relationship really has ended.

Second thing, have your wife handwrite a no contact letter to the other man. It contains no terms of endearment, no "wish it could have worked out differently," no "I always will remember you fondly," no niceties. It begins simply with other man's name, and it states that she is terribly ashamed of her behavior and she can't believe she would risk losing her husband, the love of her life, and that she does not want other man to attempt to contact her ever again, that if he does she will file harassment charges against him. It ends "signed" and your wife's name. She then gives the letter for you to make sure it's acceptable, and you mail it certified mail to the other man. Her willingness to do this alone should tell you all you need to know about her desire to save your marriage.

Third thing, let your wife know what "no contact" means. If other man tries to contact her, she is not to respond and tell you immediately. She is not to look at his facebook page or contact him in any way. If she does, she should come clean immediately. You might be able to forgive if she slips up and tells you about it, there is no way you will get over it if you catch her up in more lies and deceit.

Fourth thing, she blocks other man from facebook and all social medial sites. Since they communicated by email and phone, she changes her phone number and email address. She agrees not to delete anything. If you look at the phone bill, you should be able to see a call or text on her phone that corresponds to every item on the bill. She gives you all passwords and you have complete access to look any time you feel the need. 

She has to understand how deeply this has wounded your trust and she is the one who did it; now the onus is on her to help you re-build that trust. If she is completely open and honest, you will be able to feel a lot better in 2-3 months. If she fights you on this or makes you feel that it is some great imposition on her, you will not get that trust back. Your marriage cannot long survive if you always are wondering if she is cheating on you. The way to a healthy marriage is not for you to swallow the hurt and resentment, it is for her to help you heal.

The first four things above should be able to be accomplished in one day.

The fifth thing may take longer if you have to track down contact information. The fifth thing is, if other man has a wife or girlfriend, contact her and let her know what is going on. Tell her you will give her copies of the emails and texts if she wants them. Ask her to keep on eye on her end and let you know if the affair continues, and you will do the same for her. 

If he is not married, contact his parents and siblings and tell them he has been contacting your wife and trying to have a physical affair with her. Tell them you are trying to keep your family, which includes a 5 and 7-year-old, together, and ask them to use their influence with him to get him to stop.

DO NOT TELL YOUR WIFE YOU ARE DOING THIS. She will try to warn him or them. She will try to protect him at your expense. She likely is more concerned about how he feels and how he is going to get over this than how you are.

After you do this, make sure you check the voice-activated recorder to see if he has re-established contact.

Remember, your wife is IN LOVE with another man. That is not going to end easily and without a strong urge to re-establish contact. Your wife has been lying to you and deceiving you for two months. Your marriage can be saved IF your wife wants to.

She has proven herself a liar when it comes to the affair. Going forward, when it comes to the affair, only believe what you can independently verify and what is supported by her actions. For example, if she says she wants to help you get over this and you want her to send a no contact letter to the other man, then she should have no qualms about doing so. If she's never going to see or speak to him again, why should she care, especially if it will help you out?

Don't let your wife tell you that you are controlling or that she needs her privacy. You don't control her, if you did, you certainly wouldn't have let her have an affair. She can do what she wants, she controls herself, but you also control only yourself, and you can choose what you find acceptable and do not find acceptable in your marriage, and what you need in order to heal and re-establish trust after her betrayal. And privacy is for the bathroom, everything else is secrecy, and there is no place for secrecy in a marriage.

Finally, be very selective with your marriage counselor. Do not take one that is going to put the fault of the affair on you, even partially. You and your wife BOTH were in a lousy marriage, but only she decided to cheat. Not that being in a lousy marriage is an excuse to cheat. Like anything else, there are good marriage counselors and not so good ones. The not so good ones can do much more harm than good. YOU have to be comfortable and happy with the counselor.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

carmen ohio said:


> SadandAngry,
> 
> I agree with everything you said with the exception of the last point.
> 
> ...


Actually, yes I agree. The main thing right now is to obliterate the fantasy and destroy the affair. I suppose what I am thinking about is that IF she starts to come around, and she begins to share the truth, then the OP will hear awful things from her. 

Her becoming truthful would be a good thing. Were the OP take those awful things and lash out at her with them, she will quickly get the message that telling the truth is counter productive. 

Therefore he needs to be ready to start hearing the crap, and refraining from reacting in a completely negative manner, if he wants his wife to be truthful.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

carmen ohio said:


> Now I'm going to give you the most important piece of advice that anyone can about how to save your marriage. It is based on a popular saying on TAM: _"If you want to save your marriage, you must be willing to end it."_
> 
> .


:iagree: Could not agree more !


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Oh, and this bears repeating, never, ever reveal your sources. Always think about what you are saying, how you are pursuing a line of questioning. The trick is to have them admit what you already know to you, and get them to go beyond that.


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## ubercoolpanda (Sep 11, 2012)

Who is the OM and he is married?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nevergveup (Feb 18, 2013)

Listen,to all the posters here.You're not at fault she is.
Don't be so quick to forgive her.If you didn't snoop
you still would not know.

Many of us are under stress and don't cheat.There's
no excuse for this.Divorce before you cheat on someone.

I'm so sorry for you.Shes a liar.I'm old school,I believe
if you give in the first time,second time is a breeze.

Follow all the advice here,the balls in your court if you wanna 
stay or leave her.Good Luck.


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

SadandAngry said:


> Actually, yes I agree. The main thing right now is to obliterate the fantasy and destroy the affair. I suppose what I am thinking about is that IF she starts to come around, and she begins to share the truth, then the OP will hear awful things from her.
> 
> Her becoming truthful would be a good thing. Were the OP take those awful things and lash out at her with them, she will quickly get the message that telling the truth is counter productive.
> 
> Therefore he needs to be ready to start hearing the crap, and refraining from reacting in a completely negative manner, if he wants his wife to be truthful.


SadandAngry,

Basically, I agree with you.

For now, I would advise 2013simonandlloyd to speak to his wife in a calm but firm manner, avoiding displays of emotion of any kind (anger, sadness, despair, relief, concern, etc.). This includes if and when she starts to open up with him and tell him what she's done.

But we both know that this is very hard for a BS to do. If he is going to display emotion to his WW, better that it be the kind of emotion that will help her escape the "fog" of her affair. IMO, anger, properly controlled, is the better emotion to display. Others, like sadness, sympathy, hesitation, etc., convey weakness in his resolve and will only delay the day of reckoning.

The best to you.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

She wasn't going to tell you because she thought it was okay. PERIOD. Don't let her tell you anything different. 

Stop blaming yourself, it is dumb. Kids change the dynamic of ANY relationship. It is weird how men, who go through this, immediately blame themselves for sex drive disappearing and lack of affection. You both are at fault. Sometimes, the spouse did NOTHING wrong.

Take a deep breath, calm down, the world is not over and think everything through. You will have to end it, on paper, to get the truth. My wife's EA was about 7 months ago and the 90-95% truth didn't come out until I had proof, had D papers printed and made her call a friend for a place to stay.

Don't believe ANYTHING until you can confirm it with other RELIABLE sources. Phone records, emails, voice recordings, internet service phone calls and many more options.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

OP,
Are you listening?


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## AlphaHalf (Aug 5, 2012)

> She says that she was going to tell me, that she was holding off based on concern for me, that she didn't want to stress me out because of the fact she thought I was already stressed out. Truth be told, I am carrying alot of added stress right now as I started a brand new job last week and we just closed on a new family vacation property 2 weeks ago.



Is there EVER a "Convenient time" to admit to cheating on your spouse? *You must absolutely, whole heartily not believe or buy into her BU!!$h!t.*

Your stressing out about taking care of the family while she is having inappropriate relationships with other men. If she cared about you like she said then she wouldn't be cheating on you in the first place. 

There is no reason for her to cheat as she could've focused on the issues in the marriage instead of seeking other men. 

-Do not except her lame excuses. 

-Do not let her blame you for her actions. 

-*Do not let yourself take blame for her actions.* She is an adult who knew full well she was going to keep it secret until she got caught. 

-Do not trust her because there is always more to the story then you already know. 

-Expose the affair to all of the family. Keeping it secret will enable it to continue. Affairs thrive in secrecy.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

You have a lot of great advice.

Find out if there were dirty pictures.
Find out if there was skyping sex.
Make sure it truly never went physical. A lot of threads start out saying it was only emotional later to find out it was physical for Half a year.
Look at all available records for other affairs. This may not be her first rodeo.

Hit the evidence gathering thread.

Never ever reveal sources. You are James freaking bond now. Sorry it's your new job.

Figure out if you can reconcile. More eas do than pas but it may still be a deal breaker. Can you look at that face knowing the deception?? This is a question only you can answer.

She has given up her freedom. Affairs are marital treason. She must provide phone or computer passwords on demand. Tell her finding a burner phone or secret email constitutes admission of guilt and will be met with divorcee papers.

Expect 2 to 5 YEARS for an 80 percent recovery. Never ever tell her you can't live without her. It makes you look weak. Weak repels females.


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## fishfast41 (Dec 12, 2010)

Every piece of advice you have received here is good. Here you will find the compassion and help you need. I am praying for you. Remember that God has your back. I am sorry to see you here,but welcome.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

OP, first and foremost does your wife's boyfriend have a wife or girlfriend?

If he does take what evidence you have of the affair and expose it to her.

This will allow much greater confidence that they've "really" ended it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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