# Tips on the lies



## motherofone (Jan 10, 2013)

I know from reading TAM that the stbx sometimes lies. Well my StbxN has clearly made up some stuff and is convincing. I obviously can't do anything about him, and the people he convinced I can't rescue. I am just having trouble with not knowing what's been said and how to process out my feelings. 

Do you have any tips on how to flush out knowing someone is lying about you? In writing this it seems so high school but I have been through a lot this year and stbx and fam have and continue to hurt me and my daughter with their actions. A move is on the horizon and I am hopeful in my own space things will get better.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Sorry to hear you're dealing with this. Divorce alone is hard enough, and some people feel the need to make it even harder. 

From your post, it seems safe to always assume that he's lying about you, period. Unless there's someone close to him who's secretly in your corner who can act informant - which is unlikely, since birds of a feather and all - you'll never really know for sure.

I don't have any good advice, unfortunately. My STBXH was lying about me, too -- so anyone who believed his schlock, I just cut them out of my life, period. But we don't have any kids together. Not quite as easy for you, however.


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## littlejaz (Oct 17, 2013)

I deal with it by knowing that those he is lying to will eventually figure it out if they are around him very much at all, as they will learn that he lies about everything. Also, he is addicted to prescription pain meds, so it has to be impossible for him to keep up with his lies.

Outside of that, who cares. I doubt I will ever have anything to do with anyone who is close to him so why let it bother me. Yeah, that is a little easier said than done. As I do wonder how much of his lies his mother and sisters actually believe. It does hurt to think that they would think so little of me as to believe him but it is their choice and there is nothing I can do about it, so I try not to dwell on it.

And unfortunately for him, if we end up in court since he has refused to negotiate on a settlement, a bunch of his lies will come out. And they are not he said, she said type of lies, they are lies that I have hard evidence on. Sucks to be him.


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## philglossop (Apr 22, 2013)

That's really good advice- cut them out totally.

My XH went around telling people that I'd emptied his bank accounts when he left. The simple truth was he'd not paid any bills for about a year, was borrowing money left, right and centre and left me with around £15,000 of debt. So when the times got hard post split, he told people that I'd emptied his accounts, they subsequently lent him money and the lie continued.

Until 6 months later I found out. When XH was pulled up on this he blamed the bank- but he was lying still. Typical BPD Narassic/Historics

The people who stuck by him, I have no time for now. I've served my sentence and it's his new younger models time to find out the truth about just how much of liar he is.

Truth will always out.

It stings to be lied about, but if you like me have the evidence to the opposite, it doesn't get you in the end- and you'll end up feeling grateful you're not embroiled in the trauma anymore.


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## motherofone (Jan 10, 2013)

I suspect the comments are mostly that I'm completely mental/unstable. People we know together look at me differently and won't say anything to me (I kind of wish that was just in my head but it isn't). Stbxsil said something to the effect of "I hope you get the help you need and get better and get your life back on track". 😦

I have done a lot of therapy for myself over this last year and have grown as a person to find my sense of self again and understand how I ended up in the abusive marriage I was in. I have started a path to a new independent future, and will soon be moving out once I find appropriate housing for my daughter and myself. 

My friends are great support and keep me grounded- thank goodness!


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

motherofone said:


> I suspect the comments are mostly that I'm completely mental/unstable. People we know together look at me differently and won't say anything to me (I kind of wish that was just in my head but it isn't). Stbxsil said something to the effect of "I hope you get the help you need and get better and get your life back on track". 😦
> 
> I have done a lot of therapy for myself over this last year and have grown as a person to find my sense of self again and understand how I ended up in the abusive marriage I was in. I have started a path to a new independent future, and will soon be moving out once I find appropriate housing for my daughter and myself.
> 
> My friends are great support and keep me grounded- thank goodness!


The people who matter and who love you won't listen to his BS. The ones who believe his lies were never really your friends to begin with, and you're probably better off washing your hands of them anyway. I think it's a lesson we've all had to learn, going through this process, unfortunately.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

This is difficult. Going through a divorce puts people against each other. There are very few amicable divorces. 

My XW calls me a liar. To my face and to everyone else who will listen. 

I don't call her a liar. To family, and friends that are close enough to share such things with, I tell them the things she says and let them form their own opinion. 

Unfortunately for her, many of her co-workers knew things I didn't even know. I've met some recently that told me very damning things about her. It will be difficult to prove she is not a liar. 

Now, I know she wasn't necessarily lying about everything. She honestly believes the crazy things she believes. It's her truth and she's entitled to it. It's not my job to correct her. 

As for what other people think, who cares. Just live your life on the straight and narrow and people will see by your actions that the things he was saying were untrue.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Ceegee said:


> As for what other people think, who cares. Just live your life on the straight and narrow and people will see by your actions that the things he was saying were untrue.


:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:


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## helolover (Aug 24, 2012)

I think the best lesson I've learned (maybe realized) in all my divorce process is that I can't control outcomes. I can only control myself and the way I handle things. I can't control if my ex lies about me. I know she has. I look at her target audience - her twitter/online friends or her family and I realize I don't care what she says or what they think. I don't care. 

I understand it hurts being lied about. Detach from crazy. 

Maintain the high ground. Don't head to the valley with your ex. You need to live with yourself after this is over.


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## Forever Changed (Sep 18, 2012)

Helolover, you are so right. It is for the best to be a better person and maintain the high ground. And I have also painfully learnt that you can't control anything, you can only control yourself. 

My EXW is the same. In the beginning, and most likely now she would have broadcasted all over the internet how much of an a**hole I was. Demonised me. 

For a very very long time this was so hard to deal with, as she lives interstate and she has all her friends and family there (aswell as FB) to spread the ghastly lies and untruths to the Sisterhood. Took me a long time and a lot of wishing they would listen to MY side of the story.

But you know what? Just recently it occurred to me that they don't know me. Random people on bitter mothers groups?

They don't know a thing about me.

And the family? Well I don't have to see them ever again.

And Hell, I'm more than ok with that.


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