# I need some advice



## BHF (Apr 14, 2012)

Hi. I have been divorced for 3.5 years. I have a 5 year old son and my ex wife and I agreed to shared custody.

During the marriage there was no signs that my ex cheated on me. My son looks a lot like me. My ex wife said she never cheated and never said the child is not mine except one time 2 years ago during a huge verbal fight when we threatened each other with sole custody but later she said she said it out of anger.

Everyone who sees me and my son they say he looks a kot like me. However, I have anxiety and OCD problems. I worry about things that are highly unlikely and when one fear is gone then a new one comes and my latest fear is that the child might not be biologically mine.

Dont get me wrong, mine or not it wouldnt change anything because I love my son but next year my ex and I will have a court battle of where the child will go to grade 1 because we cannot agree on it.

MY BIGGEST FEAR IS THAT SHE MAY COME OUT AND SAY THE CHILD IS NOT MINE. I CANT IMAGINE THAT

Is my fear rational and should I see a therapist or do DNA,

Thanks
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Talk to a therapist. I don't know your entire situation, but it sounds as if the fear of her saying your son isn't yours is upsetting you.
So what if she says it, that doesn't make it true. Perhaps she's just playing on your fears.
What are the blood types of the three of you? Sometimes, but not always, blood type can eliminate someone as a possible father without the need for DNA.
Stay strong.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

When he says "Dad", who does he mean? That person is his father.


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## BHF (Apr 14, 2012)

We both come from different culture and I was told that throwing a comment at your ex during a heated debate at your ex such as "the child is not even yours" is not that uncommon. Thats why I didnt take it serious but lately I obssess about it. Then one day she said something to me and I said the child is mine not yours but jokingly of course and she replied "oh he is mine that I know but IDK about others" then I said are you saying I am not the father? She said no I never said that. I said I will do DNA and she said go ahead but then I will take you to court WHEN the results show you are the dad. She disnt say if the results show but she saud when the results show. Then she said look at him, why you need the test, he is the spitting image of you.

On one other occasion, unrelated to paternity, she swore that she never even thought on cheating on me.

Some say this is part of OCD. Before this occurred I had a fear that she wants to move away (and try to take the child), these fears keep coming up one after another and I am seeking therapy.

I have no guts to do the test. It would take about 2 weeks for the results and during that time I would either go insane or be drunk.

The child attends preschool in my area, will attend kindergarten in my arra in the same school but after that she wants him to grade 1 in her district in 2013-2014. I doubt she can get that because shr is not the best parent but like I said she may come and say that i am not the father WHICH PROBABLY MEANS I LOSE THE CHILD.

Lon the other hand though, she cannot know if the child isnt mine plus I am on childs birth certificate but IDK how those things work. IDK if they take children away from those dads who find out they are not bio dads.
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## BHF (Apr 14, 2012)

unbelievable said:


> When he says "Dad", who does he mean? That person is his father.


So true but if it turned out to be the worst, would they take him away from me at age of 6, would shared custody continue. In the last 4 years he spent 60% Time with me 40% with mum
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## specwar (Apr 14, 2011)

I just don't know what it would help. It could only hurt and in my opinion should be obsessively ignored. We each get a limited amount of time with the ones we love for one reason or another. 

Knowing he is your son you love him everyday and teach him to be a man.

Knowing he is NOT your biological son you love him everyday and teach him to be a man. Or at least you should. 

So knowing one way or another is not relevant to your actions by your own admission.

Choose to obsess about being a great father and enjoy the time you have with your son.

As a foster parent I never knew how long I had with each child. I chose to make everyday in that childs life the best and the most normal it could be. It is a choice.

Good luck


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

BHF said:


> So true but if it turned out to be the worst, would they take him away from me at age of 6, would shared custody continue. In the last 4 years he spent 60% Time with me 40% with mum
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Only if they allow complete idiots to be judges in your area.


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## specwar (Apr 14, 2011)

I certainly agree, any sane judge would review the record and see what is in the best interest of the child but none of us can sit here and give you the 100 %, feel good answer.

That is why I choose to look at it a different way. If my son is hit by a bus tomorrow I lost him. The same goes for any of us. You never know how much time you have with the ones you love. Obsessing about that chance can paralyze you OR you can choose to spend the time with you loved ones wisely and enjoy the time we have together.


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## supermommy123 (Apr 5, 2012)

I think for your satisfaction related to biological you must go for a DNA test and ultimately what matters how much you love your child and to whom he is more attached father or mother.It matters a lot that he will be more happy with whom mother or father??


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

BHF said:


> I said I will do DNA and she said go ahead but then I will take you to court WHEN the results show you are the dad.


LOL… what will she take you to court for ? That’s nonsense. I get the impression that she is doing things to set off your OCD. She’s playing with you. You really ought to do a home DNA test. That way you can quiet your concerns. You will know the truth and this will help to make you feel more secure about the situation. 


BHF said:


> Some say this is part of OCD. Before this occurred I had a fear that she wants to move away (and try to take the child), these fears keep coming up one after another and I am seeking therapy.


Are you on medication for the OCD? It’s often caused by a brain chemical imbalance that can be treated.



BHF said:


> I have no guts to do the test. It would take about 2 weeks for the results and during that time I would either go insane or be drunk.


Well maybe get some meds for OCD first. Don’t know what to tell you.



BHF said:


> The child attends preschool in my area, will attend kindergarten in my arra in the same school but after that she wants him to grade 1 in her district in 2013-2014. I doubt she can get that because shr is not the best parent but like I said she may come and say that i am not the father WHICH PROBABLY MEANS I LOSE THE CHILD.


You are legally your son’s father. That was established a long time ago. It does not matter even if he is not your bio child, he his your legal child as well. What do you think a judge would think of her if she came out and said that you are not the bio dad so now after all these years of lying to you and the courts she wants to take your child away? You will not lose your child even if he is not your bio child. You are legally his father. Please talk to an attorney about this to put your mind to rest.



BHF said:


> Lon the other hand though, she cannot know if the child isnt mine plus I am on childs birth certificate but IDK how those things work. IDK if they take children away from those dads who find out they are not bio dads.


You are your son’s legal dad. That’s all that matters.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

The courts always try to maintain the status quo for a child. Your child has been going to a school for a while. Is it the same school he will go to as a 1st grader? Does he have friends who will be in 1st grade with him?

These are very important considerations for him. Taking him to a new school where he does not know other children is probably not the best solution.


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