# I feel trapped in my marriage



## onesonlyhuman (Sep 16, 2012)

Hi there new to this forum,thought id give it ago and see what people think of my marriage!!Been married 23yrs two teenage kids.All my married life I knew it was the wrong thing to do even on my wedding day shocking that isnt it!
We got together as teenagers,when I finished him he begged me to take him back which I did.My husband worked shifts when the kids where small and when he wasnt at work he was at the pub or the betting shop.He isnt as bad nowadays though he still visits these places frequently.We havent had sex for at least 12 years that I can remember.We dont talk about our feelings together,on more than one occasion ive tried to talk to him about our relationship he always begs me not to leave him,as ive told him at least 4 times over the years that I dont want to be with him!When he comes to see me at work I cringe and feel embarrassed I know its awful,hes always untidy he wears track suit bottoms all the time and tshirts and hes overweight,he really just doesnt care,he never goes clothes shopping unless its for holiday stuff and the when the holiday is over he goes back to his trackies!! He does do stuff around the house like hoovering ironing etc and he makes tea for me coming in from work as hes now not working, though he doesnt do diy at all(i have to do it myself)and he says he loves me, I know this makes me sound awfull and ungratefull but theres no feelings there.Im always thinking I will tell him today its over then something comes up and I never do its on my mind constantly and ive had many a sleepless night thinking what im going to say to him I am at my witts end!


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

I am so sorry to hear how unhappy you are. 12 years and no sex wow.

My marriage was sexless but he is a great man which made it harder for me to end the marriage. I used to wake up thinking "is this what the rest of my life will be like?" I had to end it and start living again.

You have one life, you deserve to be happy. He may well beg you not to leave him but what is he doing to make you want to stay?


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## Henri (Jun 30, 2012)

You sound resolute that you want to finish the relationship. Have you made any plans as to what you (and your children) will do when (and if) you do leave him? 

I think unless you have thought through all possible angles after you leave it will be much harder to leave. Do you think your life will be better alone?

I am assuming you want to leave and it is no longer a solution? Such as trying to change or fix the areas which are wrong.


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## Needpeace (May 24, 2012)

12 years is such a long time with no intimacy, have you seeked this elsewhere? It does sound like you have no love in your heart & you are embarrassed by his lack of personal grooming (trackies are a real turnoff), his lack of work would also be a nerve of contention.

If you have the resources to go it alone, so be it, he needs to work harder at keeping you if he loves you, unless he puts in some effort your feelings of leaving will not turn around.


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

Well, it sounds like he is living his life the way he wants to so when are you going to start living life the way YOU want to? 

You children are grown. And I can't believe that they would be too surprised to know that mom is not happy. My mom and dad are in a loveless marriage and I'm at the age now that I am pleading with my mother to get out and find someone who isn't going to make her miserable. She feels the same way about my father that you feel about your husband. Why spend another minute being unhappy? 

You are stronger than you think. I don't want you leaving him in 5 years and looking back wishing you had done it 5 years earlier. And who's to say you leaving has to be permanant? Maybe he needs a swift kick in his butt to make some changes!


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## onesonlyhuman (Sep 16, 2012)

Hi I dont know if my life will be better alone we have one child at home and one in uni accom at the mo.Money wise I dont think I would be much worse off to be honest we have a mortgage with only a couple of years left on it,dont know how we would go on with the house etc I would not want to loose my house.No Needpeace i never go out socially and the odd occassion when I have its with my husband so I have not sought intimacy elsewhere.IrishGirlVA ive already had these thoughts like more than 5 years ago!He has said the last times when I have said Im not happy that he will change and he tries but things always go back to normal.We odd times go to our local club and you know when people smooch to the last dance Ive always wanted to do that and we never have danced like that, or held hands in public.I feel I need to do this but Im so scared to actually make that move I am unhappy but will I be more unhappy alone I dont know!!


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## venuslove (Apr 16, 2012)

Hmm. It sounds like you still love him. And he probably does love you. Honestly, I think he sounds clinically depressed. People's brains change when they are depressed and they just can't start feeling better. Have you thought about seeing a counselor? You might be a little depressed too. Or at least unhappy. It does sound like you have grown apart, but it seems like you said that you yearn to reach out and hold hands or smooch on the dance floor. You could revitalize your marriage. Maybe go to the gym together. That way, he gets in shape, you get to do something fun out of the house together that gets your blood pumping and track suits will fit right in!!


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## endlessgrief (Feb 19, 2012)

You have a huge decision to make. Live the rest of your life with no joy, no loving partner, no sex, just dry up, turn to dust and fade away.

OR, behind door number two, you can take your life back, divorce Mr. Romantic  and start over. Think of the possibilities!!!! You are clearly lonely, nothing is worse than being lonely with another person there with you. I would rather be alone than lonely. Set yourself free. You only get one shot at life, take yours back. No one can say you didn't try. 

I know it's scary and you are in a deep rut but slowly try to pull yourself out of it. You don't need to run to another man right away either. Just BE. JUST BE!!!!


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## tonyarz (Sep 15, 2012)

12 years! wow, you are better than I. I would have bailed a long time ago. Unless it was something medical where my spouse couldn't have sex.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I'm seeing hints that he may be an alcoholic or have a compulsive disorder. If you think this might be true, I think you would find a lot of benefit from going to some Al-Anon meetings for that reason. 

Only you can make the big decisions in your life. You're letting him make your decisions. I know it's hard to feel mean when you are trying to separate, but nobody is going to force you to do it except for you. When you want to badly enough, you will. 

You may feel it's not yet the right time. Don't worry, when you're ready, you'll take the actions you need to. So far, you've made choices that gave you comfort or peace of mind. If you keep making the same choices, you'll keep getting the same results.


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## onesonlyhuman (Sep 16, 2012)

As always I am always thinking of everyone else,cannot upset the boat because theres a birthday this weekend or father in laws not well or school holiday or older daughters home for the weekend or just get christmas out the way with first..blah blah..theres always something there where I think just get this out the way with first then I will talk to him ..I lie next to him in bed and my heads spinning thinking what I am gonna say to him,should I say it now then think wait till the morning..then something else comes up and it doesnt happen!
We did go to w.watchers together a couple of years back when he was on a I will try harder mode and he lost over 50pounds which was great but of course all the weight is back on again,(his not mine lol).I have said to him before I think youre a bit of an alcoholic 
he laughs this off,he basically does have a drink everyday even if its 1/2 pints of beer.
We are like chalk and cheese really I am independant work in customer service and quiet stubborn I guess, and hes(too) layed back,easy going as long as he gets his bet on his horses hes a happy man..Its just recent that hes lost his job its the second time in four years both companies hes worked for have closed down.But I dont think hes depressed as hes such a relaxed person though I think if he doesnt get a job soon he will be,thats another reason I think you cannot do this too him at the moment wait and see if he gets a job,but how long too wait?
I think I probably do love him but I am not in love with him if that makes sense!
Its that my head says god woman get a grip before your life disintegrates and my heart says you cannot be such a cow and do this to this person but then rational thinking creeping in again I could die tomorrow and of lived with this life of regret..I need to get on with it AAaargh..


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## rosebud56 (Sep 15, 2012)

Sounds alot like my situation as well. we have not had sex in over 2 yrs and he tells me this all the time...I just am not interested in him anymore. He does nothing around this house unless it is watching TV or playing on the computer and porn of course. You need to follow your heart and do what is best for you and your children. I am trying to become more financially secure so I can actually do something better for me. Good Luck


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

onesonlyhuman said:


> I knew it was the wrong thing to do even on my wedding day shocking that isnt it!


You'd be surprised. About half the people who read this are not shocked at all.

After you leave him, as much for HIM as for you, make sure you educate your daughters not to make the same mistake you did. If you don't have daughters, find someone else's and educate them. 

This crap has got to stop. I'm in this mess because my wife's mother never told her. And she was in a loveless marriage from day one because...

You get the drift. We need to stop this ladies. Take control of your futures. When you marry someone you don't love, you hurt 2 people. More if you have kids.


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## venuslove (Apr 16, 2012)

To Only human, I think you do love him. I think you probably loved him when you were married. But, maybe you don't like his behaviour? Maybe you don't like him that much anymore? I mean there has to be something else there besides guilt or fear that makes you stay. Does he know that you feel this way? I think that you have lost some respect for him as a person. Because he hasn't taken care of himself and his career is in a chronic shambles. 
Seems like he needs some major motivation. Yeah, a drink a night is okay if he gets drunk alot though, could be becoming an alcoholic. Maybe he has been low level depressed for a while. 
I don't know what to do to encourage my husband more. He suffers from depression and has put on alittle weight from his new pills. I don't mind. It's really his attitude that sucks. He has become unattractive to me in so many ways. I do still love him though. I just really don't like him right now. Ugh. so hard.Good luck


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## Henri (Jun 30, 2012)

MrK said:


> You'd be surprised. About half the people who read this are not shocked at all.
> 
> After you leave him, as much for HIM as for you, make sure you educate your daughters not to make the same mistake you did. If you don't have daughters, find someone else's and educate them.
> 
> ...


Yes, this is worth quoting, it is good advice for those reading this. If it doesn't feel right then we shouldn't do it, would probably help a lot of people. Thanks.


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## DH1971 (Sep 15, 2012)

for better or worse


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

leave or stay and remain unhappy

best of luck. 

end it now do not be afraid of the unknown you shall find happiness again. I just hope you don't do anything to destroy yourself


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