# How long can you pretend that things are ok?



## itskaren

I have been reading other people's posts for a few months now in the hope that I may find some answers. I am still non the wiser. I hope people don't mind me posting on here. I cannot seem to find any other forums like this excellent one.

My husband and I have been married for 12 years. I am 41 he is 43 we have 2 boys 11 and 14.

We moved to Australia from England 4 years ago. Just to make it clear I love my husband and always will. We are slowly but surely drifting apart. We have ''come to the end of the line'' and I just don't know what to do so we both ignore this fact and just continue 'happily'' as if we are fine. It is the easier option to take at the present.

I am a nurse working 5 nights a week. My husband comes home from work at 6pm he is straight out at 7pm for sports that he does 5 nights a week. So he comes in, I go out and vice versa. . This had been going on for a long time. 

In 2010 the last week in December I booked a hotel for us all by the beach. It was a holiday for us all. thought it would be nice for Christmas and my 40th. As we have no family here it would be just us. On my birthday I was waiting for a card and perhaps a bunch of daffodils. As usual.... nothiing. Not even a card from my husband or kids. 

I am not a materialistic person by any means. But I have never felt so hurt ever. This day was the start of me seriously thinking about my future. Now this is not the first time this has happened. I have frequently not received a card for mother's day, anniversary, Valentines day etc. My husband states ''I am not a card person..''

He has recently returned from a trip home to see his family and he came home with a box of stuff. My stuff was all mixed in there. As I was going through them he had brought over some old letters and cards, valentine etc from an ex girlfriend. Not one of mine!

When we got married we had already had a son 18mths. We have never had a honeymoon, my husband would not even think of the idea. 

In all the years we have been married he has never once cooked me a meal. Perhaps a bacon sandwich. I feel unloved, unwanted and not needed.

A couple of years ago I was in touch with an ex via FB. We did ''chat'' frequently. I had mixed emotions he lived in another country and was happliy married.. . It was a great feeling of someone actually wanting to have a conversation with you. It was not to go and have a full blown affair. Just someone to talk to.

So today ... I was looking forward to having the day off. I got up and the house is a mess. My kids rooms are disgusting. Now I have sat them down and asked them to clean their rooms. I have cried and asked them to clean their rooms. I have shouted angrily and asked them to clean their rooms. Still nothing is done. I have explained that I need help in the house as I work a lot. 

All I have asked them to do is to clean their rooms and take the trash out. We have missed the trash man as they have not taken it out for 2 weeks now.

I was thinking today '' I have had enough''. I feel that nobody really cares about me at all. I have never felt so lonely and sad in my life.

I have no family here and my friends are just work colleagues. I was looking at places to stay in a hotel but have come to the conclusion I might as well stay here. 

So what do I do? Do I stay in a marriage that my heart feels like a stone? Or do I leave.

I don't even want to have counselling as I just think we have gone past that. Do we stay together for the sake of the kids? Then leave as soon as they leave home?

Thanks for ''listening'' :-(


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## that_girl

Tell him all of this.

My situation was reversed...and I wish my husband would have TOLD ME instead of just up and leaving one day (moved home after 3 months).

talk to him. Just talk to him.


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## lovestruckout

Wow. Lot's of wrong in what you wrote. You don't seem to be getting any respect from your family. Not from your husband, and not from your children. I mean, no acknowledgement for your birthday?

Also, being out of the house 5 nights a week for sports is unreasonable. That is considered keeping your bachelorhood in your life after marriage. And that is an extreme case.

Yes, get it all out on the table. And get into couples therapy quickly, if you desire too. I imagine your husband would be resistant to that, but you need to address these issues immediately.


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## synthetic

Tell your husband everything you wrote and everything you skipped telling us.

Then bluntly give him 1 month to get his sh*t together. Be kind and firm and *set achievable boundaries*. Don't shout, don't be angry, don't keep saying "you should, you should not, you did this, you did that...". Just tell him how you feel and how you're at the end of your rope. Cry if you have to but don't soften up. 

For a whole month stop doing everything you are doing for your family (including your children). Stop being a wife, and stop being a mother, but don't bring other people into your marriage.

Don't talk to people on Facebook. Don't attempt to find a escape from your marriage before divorcing your husband. Even a small "chat" with another man (specially ex boyfriends) is completely against what you should be doing.

Be prepared to leave your family temporarily if that's what it takes for them to realize what life is like without you (they will go crazy without you I promise)


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## CantSitStill

I agree with Synthetic..do not go talking to another man..do what you need with your marriage..tell hubby all you feel. insist on counseling, if he refuses do not do a thing for him. Do a in house separation..sleep in same home but stop doing things for him..Do not do what I did..I went and found my ex bf on facebook an.d got involved in an. emotional affair. Now because of that I have alot of repairing to do in my marriage..It was a huge mistake, I found out the grass is not greener on the other side.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

Pretty much until one of four things happen:
You die.
Your get a stress-related illness.
You end up with a grave mental illness.
You have a grave mental illness with stress-related illness.
All roads lead to the first option.
How you get there and what your remaining time holds for you is independent of your past and entirely dependent on your future, which starts at the present moment.
Seems to me by asking questions you are on your way to avoiding 2.-4. and meeting 1. at peace with yourself.
IC might be helpful.
Fake it til you make it only applies to theatrical productions.
Not life.


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## itskaren

Thanks for your comments.

I have no intention whatsoever in having an affair or seeing other men. Good advice about living separately in the house. We have a little flat attached to the house. Only problem is we have my father in law (who is 84) staying with us at the moment. He is here for another 5 weeks!

I just feel drained physically and emotionally.

I also agree with Synthetic about the FB thing and ''talking'' to exes. 
I am happy to shut the bloody thing down to be honest. 

I really appreciate all of your comments. Thank you.


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## cgh

all i would advise is write a letter to him with all you have said, you need to talk and you also need to sit down and make some ground rules for the kids or they will just keep on treating you the way they are


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## AngoBango

Karen, thank you for your post. Reading it I identify so much with your situation as it's exactly how I feel although my kids have left home. I've tried the talking and nothing seems to have made any difference. I am due to go away with friends for a weekend on my own, so I will try the living separately when I get back and give him a time scale. I've already had my bags packed once and only stayed because he promised to try harder. It's hard not to scream and shout when it's not a game for you but you feel that you are just not getting through. So the advise you have had really helps.
I hope you sort things out, as like you I will always love my husband and I don't want to leave but I just feel that I am in a loveless marriage.


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## synthetic

Karen,

I see that you're already considering the in-house separation without saying anything to your husband.

I strongly discourage you from making a move like that prior to expressing all your feelings in a peaceful, heartfelt session with your husband.

We have hundreds of stories here where the fed-up spouse simply stopped communicating and a lot of unnecessary suffering was inflicted on both sides. I went through this myself with my wife and it was the most painful experience of my life. She left me without saying a single word and to this day (even after reconciling with her) I have a hard time justifying it for my own sanity. I still get angry thinking about the way she simply packed up and left on New Year's eve. 

Don't get me wrong. She had every right to want to make a change in our marriage and was right about many things, but the moment she packed that suitcase and left our home my heart broke into a thousand pieces. I'm still find myself shaken by the experience. 

If my wife had communicated with me, or had been slightly more patient (she has absolutely no patience), a lot of pain could've been avoided.


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## itskaren

synthetic said:


> Karen,
> 
> I see that you're already considering the in-house separation without saying anything to your husband.
> 
> I strongly discourage you from making a move like that prior to expressing all your feelings in a peaceful, heartfelt session with your husband.
> 
> We have hundreds of stories here where the fed-up spouse simply stopped communicating and a lot of unnecessary suffering was inflicted on both sides. I went through this myself with my wife and it was the most painful experience of my life. She left me without saying a single word and to this day (even after reconciling with her) I have a hard time justifying it for my own sanity. I still get angry thinking about the way she simply packed up and left on New Year's eve.
> 
> Don't get me wrong. She had every right to want to make a change in our marriage and was right about many things, but the moment she packed that suitcase and left our home my heart broke into a thousand pieces. I'm still find myself shaken by the experience.
> 
> If my wife had communicated with me, or had been slightly more patient (she has absolutely no patience), a lot of pain could've been avoided.




Thank you for this. I appreciate what you are saying. I have tried a few times to sit down and communicate with him. He honestly looks confused when I speak and cannot see a problem? He really does.

I think you are correct. It would be a last resort separating and I will try again communicating!


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## worrieddad

itskaren said:


> Thank you for this. I appreciate what you are saying. I have tried a few times to sit down and communicate with him. He honestly looks confused when I speak and cannot see a problem? He really does.
> 
> I think you are correct. It would be a last resort separating and I will try again communicating!


All I can say is if you have the least bit of will left in you to give the marriage a go, whatever you tell him, at the end of the sentence add "Or I will divorce you". You need to let him know exactly how close to the end of your rope you are. And mean that in your own mind....don't just say it, really mean it.

Too many situations, mine included, come from miscommunication. It may well be that he genuinely doesn't think anything is wrong (or as in my case, knows something is wrong but is on eggshells as much as you are in not knowing how to get it sorted)....its the whole Men are from Mars Women are from Venus thing. You need to give him a real warning shot across the bow in a way he understands. Do it now, while you still have a thread of hope it can work, and make sure you leave him in no doubt that you intend to walk unless you can both work on your issues together.

Get *everything* you mentioned all out on the table, over several beers if needs be. Good luck!


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## itskaren

Well 6 months down the line ... no change whatsoever. I know I am at fault but we still have not had the ''conversation''. I am slowly simmering .. one day to reach boiling point. I honestly just don't care anymore. If anything husband and kids just get lazier and lazier.

I cannot remember the last time I had a hearty laugh .. except in work maybe. We last went out for dinner in March for his birthday .. 

I am off with the kids to the UK for 3 weeks soon. Maybe this will do us some good. And so it goes on ...


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## itskaren

I have not been on here for a long time ...

Update is ... I have just found out that my husband has been having an affair with a work colleague for 6 months. I had no idea! I feel nothing, numb.

I must take some of the blame. It takes 2 to make a relationship. However, I want a life .. but not with him. Funny how life works out! He must have been feeling the same.


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## Bellavista

Oh no, how terrible for you. You will go through a range of emotions now, check out the Coping with Infidelity section & read the information in there. That way, you can have some handle on the feelings you may get.


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## Archon

Karen,

It would appear that the time for that important sit-down is long past. He checked out of the marriage long before this point and all the emotional damage has caused you to (rightfully) check out as well. It's clear that he hasn't cared for you in quite some time. He doesn't deserve someone as devoted and loving as you have been. Start making preparations to leave. Hire a lawyer and plan out child custody, living arrangements, etc. It's time to get your life back.


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## itskaren

Archon said:


> Karen,
> 
> It would appear that the time for that important sit-down is long past. He checked out of the marriage long before this point and all the emotional damage has caused you to (rightfully) check out as well. It's clear that he hasn't cared for you in quite some time. He doesn't deserve someone as devoted and loving as you have been. Start making preparations to leave. Hire a lawyer and plan out child custody, living arrangements, etc. It's time to get your life back.


Thanks you. I will. I will be moving back yo England ... x


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## Archon

I'm glad you're taking the initiative and regaining control of your life. Just remember that the TAM community is here if you need support during this difficult time. Remember to have faith in yourself and know that you're doing the right thing.


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## itskaren

Archon said:


> I'm glad you're taking the initiative and regaining control of your life. Just remember that the TAM community is here if you need support during this difficult time. Remember to have faith in yourself and know that you're doing the right thing.


 Thank you so much. I am very drunk sat here alone drinking a bottle of Glayva Liqueur whatever that is!! I found it in my father in laws cupboard. My life is never going to be the same again. And here I am talking to my imaginary friends on the foreign website.. And appreciate it I do xx


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## Complexities

I am so sorry you have to feel this way. I do see that your life is going to be better than it has been for sometime though once you get through it. You were not appreciated and you should have been! You will be able to move on and find more happiness than you ever thought possible I feel. I guess try and think of it along the lines of things happen for a reason and try to embrace your future. I know it is hard and for a while you will feel low, but try and keep a small bit of positive hope through it. xo


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## northernlights

Oh no, I am so sorry.


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## itskaren

lovestruckout said:


> Wow. Lot's of wrong in what you wrote. You don't seem to be getting any respect from your family. Not from your husband, and not from your children. I mean, no acknowledgement for your birthday?
> 
> Also, being out of the house 5 nights a week for sports is unreasonable. That is considered keeping your bachelorhood in your life after marriage. And that is an extreme case.
> 
> Yes, get it all out on the table. And get into couples therapy quickly, if you desire too. I imagine your husband would be resistant to that, but you need to address these issues immediately.


Just an update ... he was in fact having an affair at this time I now find out.


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## Spiderman

So sorry to hear Karen!! When will you move back and how are you doing? I know so well the feeling when things are not so well and people who could support you through are so far away. xx


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