# Husband in midlife crisis demands a houseboy (threesome arrangement)



## Kzo (Feb 15, 2013)

I’m 28 and my husband is 47 and we’ve been together for 10 years, married for 4 (gay couple).

Five years into the relationship he suggested having threesomes, until I finally gave in and we set our rules: we’d both agree on meeting that person, always together, and only for sex. Last December we met an 18 year old guy (let’s call him James)for which he sort of fell in love with (they were chatting way too much, the guy is totally his type, and I felt my husband was becoming less interested in me. He also asked James if he wanted to be a backup boyfriend in case things didn’t work well with me). He did all this while always reassuring me that I had no reason to be concerned!

Last month he dropped this huge bomb on me: he said he hasn’t been happy for the past YEAR(!), that he isn’t sexually attracted to me as much as before (and modesty aside I am good looking, fit, attractive and could get laid in less than 10 minutes if I’d want to) and that he didn’t love me as much as before. He said he wanted James to become our house boy/slave boy and live permanently with us, and that he wants to travel the world (literally selling everything we have to travel the world like gypsies). This was all said within 1 hour; I was devastated, I couldn’t believe that I had been married to this stranger; I couldn’t and still can’t recognize this person.

I made some research, and given all these sudden changes, and his complaints about work and our relationship (complaints he never mentioned before) I came to the conclusion that he is going through a midlife crisis and wants major changes in his life, as if that will compensate for what he considers “time lost”.

I am strongly opposed to having James with us, since it’s clear that he is indeed a threat to my relationship and that I am at risk of losing my husband to a boy we met 2 months ago. James also wants to come live with us, he says he likes us both, but clearly he likes my husband best… James and I are bottoms and my husband is the only top.

My husband has demanded that James comes to live with us and has literally made that a deal breaker for our relationship: that I must accept it, or we should split because he wants to be a dominant top with a submissive slave boy. 

I love my husband very much and would do anything for him, but I can’t understand why he is doing this to me, how can he put our relationship on the table like this? He says he still loves me, and wants this threesome arrangement to work, but I no longer feel safe in this. I don’t want to leave him because I love him with all my heart, but I don’t even like James… I have no idea what to do.

Do I try to see if this arrangement will work at all? Should I just leave my husband, even if I love him and have been together and faithful to him for the past 10 years? We got together when I was 18, I’m not sure I want/am ready to start a new life from scratch…


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

IMO he sounds like a lost cause. Honestly you're still young and there are a lot of people out there in the world who you can love and make you happy. 

Sounds like your husband takes you for granted. You said "I can’t understand why he is doing this to me" but that statement comes right after "I love my husband very much and would do anything for him." That's exactly why he's doing it. Becuase he knows what ever he suggests or wants you'll probably put up with it and stick around regardless of how much you hate it. Have you ever given him a reason to think otherwise?

The reality is he's probably going to do what he wants regardless of what you decide one way the other. The only question is how much are you willing to put up with? Just because you love someone doesn't mean you can have a healthy fulfilling relationship.

I suggest telling him how you feel, if you haven't already, but you need to decide if that's a situation you're willing to live with for the sake of a person who wants to "share" you with someone you don't even like.

I'd also suggest talking to a therapist or a counselor because it sounds like you have some self-esteem issues.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Slave boy?!?!?! Wtf?

Your husband sounds like he is into younger boys, and you're too old for him now.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> Slave boy?!?!?! Wtf?
> 
> Your husband sounds like he is into younger boys, and you're too old for him now.


Ya that's a good point I never thought of. How old is this slave boy?


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

Gay or straight it makes no difference. He is disrespecting you and sending some pretty clear signals that he does not want monogamy. You probably didn't do yourself any favors by initially agreeing to the three way stuff.

You're 20 years younger and still a very young person. Time to probably head on down the road and find someone that is happy with just you. Not going to put a lot of faith that a 47 year old guy is going to change much in his actions at this point. Sorry but you deserve better.


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## Kzo (Feb 15, 2013)

Jasel said:


> The reality is he's probably going to do what he wants regardless of what you decide one way the other.


That's exactly what he said, that he wants to take control of everything, and wants a slave boy to command him what to do.
Yes, I told him that this idea is terrible, we've been fighting and crying for weeks, but he simply won't let it go, he MUST have him and the same time wants me to stay.

Our fights led me to tell him that I will leave him if I have to, but I fear all he wants now is to make James come here and keep me around for the time being, while he develops a relationship with him and then kick me once he is more stable with his new toy. He forgets that new toys get old, and I can only wish that he will have someone that loves him as much as I do.

James is 18, same age I was when I met my husband, and I have mentioned that to him, that he is tired of me, but James won't be 18 forever, and neither will my husband by 47 forever or have the looks to attract younger guys.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Jasel said:


> Ya that's a good point I never thought of. How old is this slave boy?


18, same age as the OP when he hooked up with his husband.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

Jasel said:


> Ya that's a good point I never thought of. How old is this slave boy?


Cabana Boy James is 18, the exact same age as Kzo when he met his older man 10 years ago.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

What was your husband's status when you first met him? Was he in a relationship already? Trying to see if this is a pattern.


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## Kzo (Feb 15, 2013)

SaltInWound said:


> What was your husband's status when you first met him? Was he in a relationship already? Trying to see if this is a pattern.


He was single and this is the longest relationship he has ever had, the 2nd longest he had was 9 months. 

I'm hesitant about leaving him since I don't know if this is just a crisis or some phase, and I don't want to throw down the drain 10 years of a happy marriage.

I don't understand how in 2 months everything changed so suddenly, from being happy, to wanting to sell everything to travel the world and make some guy we just met a permanent addition to our relationship WITHOUT my consent.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

Kzo said:


> He was single and this is the longest relationship he has ever had, the 2nd longest he had was 9 months.
> 
> I'm hesitant about leaving him since I don't know if this is just a crisis or some phase, and I don't want to throw down the drain 10 years of a happy marriage.
> 
> I don't understand how in 2 months everything changed so suddenly, from being happy, to wanting to sell everything to travel the world and make some guy we just met a permanent addition to our relationship WITHOUT my consent.


But it isn't really so sudden is it? Did you not consent to being involved in threesomes during the course of your marriage? If so, then there was always another person involved in your relationship. Am I correct in assuming that these third parties where younger men?

Sadly, it appears that you were "groomed" by an older man and you fell in love with him. Even sadder, it appears that he is now looking for a younger man to "groom". This is not a mid-life crisis, this is who he is and always has been. Your love for him allowed you to ignore it, but it was always there.

You do not have to comply with his requests now or in the future. You are still young enough to enjoy a single life without him. He will eventually tire of the new 18 year old and seek out another for his selfish needs. This is not about love for you, or for the new guy, this is about some sort of control over another person. Your partner has control issues and does not appear capable of real love toward his spouse or anyone else.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

barbados said:


> Gay or straight it makes no difference. He is disrespecting you and sending some pretty clear signals that he does not want monogamy. You probably didn't do yourself any favors by initially agreeing to the three way stuff.
> 
> You're 20 years younger and still a very young person. Time to probably head on down the road and find someone that is happy with just you. Not going to put a lot of faith that a 47 year old guy is going to change much in his actions at this point. Sorry but you deserve better.


BINGO. Drop him. You deserve better. I also buy into the only wants younger part mentioned above him. Sounds like there are some base incompatabilities like you prefer monogamy and he wants to fvck... well everyone.

I am assuming you are in a gay marriage state so being out of the closet should be lesser problem for you to go to public sites like Match to FIND THE PERSON YOU DESERVE.

No kids right? (hafta ask if some arrangements were made)


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

> I'm hesitant about leaving him since I don't know if this is just a crisis or some phase, and I don't want to throw down the drain 10 years of a happy marriage.


It sounds like he's the one doing that. Not you.



> I don't understand how in 2 months everything changed so suddenly, from being happy, to wanting to sell everything to travel the world and make some guy we just met a permanent addition to our relationship WITHOUT my consent.


Chances are this has been building for some time, you might just not have seen the signs. 

The age thing might be an issue too but I'm not sure. Plenty of people go for younger individuals but the fact that this guy is a few years away from 50 and is still going after and falling for 18 year olds is troubling to say the least.

Wish I had something more reassuring to tell you but the fact that you're still so young and have a lot ahead of you to me is a positive. Also the fact that you don't have kids with him is a plus. Not to belittle your situation by any means but there are people decades older than you, who have started over quite successfully.

How is your financial situation? Are you dependant on your H or can you leave and support yourself?


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

OK.. I'm goping to fall for this.

No hope here.
Talk to a lawyer yesterday before you loose everything. File ASAP.
You husband is gone, gone, gone. No way back.


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## Kzo (Feb 15, 2013)

survivorwife said:


> Am I correct in assuming that these third parties where younger men?
> 
> Sadly, it appears that you were "groomed" by an older man and you fell in love with him. Even sadder, it appears that he is now looking for a younger man to "groom".
> .


Yes, the 3rd's we've met were always according to his likes, but they were just dates, one night stands and not that often, like 4 a year sometimes. I thought it was fine since he never tried to have anything else with them, and I was always part of it. And you hit the nail, it is about grooming indeed, he wants to support him, in his studies too, and is working hard on making sure James will come live with us. Interestingly, the same effort he put when him and I met.



weightlifter said:


> Sounds like there are some base incompatabilities like you prefer monogamy and he wants to fvck... well everyone.
> 
> No kids right? (hafta ask if some arrangements were made)


No kids. Ideally it would be monogamous, but apparently the occasional threesome isn't enough anymore for him and now he wants a 2nd person here, the thing is that he can't even fulfill me sexually (I'd prefer sex twice a day) so how is he going to do with 2 guys to satisfy??




Jasel said:


> How is your financial situation? Are you dependant on your H or can you leave and support yourself?


Unfortunately I didn't have a plan B, when you're married and love your partner you don't exactly have an exit plan right? I am somewhat dependent on him, I guess that's the "price to pay" for letting him take care of me since I was 18. I make some money, but I most definitely wouldn't be able to afford the same lifestyle and would have to cut back tremendously, wouldn't even be able to rent an apartment, I'd have to rent a room.


We spent so many special moments together, I don't want to quit on the man that gave me my happiest years (as a child I was my parents punching bag) and meeting him totally changed my life.


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## chumplady (Jul 27, 2012)

Kzo, get some therapy, Hon. You were your parent's punching bag? Well, now you're this guys. He is DISRESPECTING you. He is not treating you the way people in grown up love treat a partner -- with mutuality and respect. Frankly, he wants two slave boys. You and James. You go along with what he wants or get lost. He owns your ass. 

Time to emancipate Kzo. Your self esteem will go way, way up when you can live independently and on your own terms. You don't need this loser. I know you've invested a decade of your life, but learn from this. Hold out for healthy love. Living in a rented room is WAY better than existing two more minutes in this relationship.

My guess about your husband is that it's not a MLC, just that he's an assh*le. You can call it whatever you want to, but he seems pretty stuck there and he's got zero interest in changing. He's 47. He likes a big power imbalance and age difference. He likes people to submit to his dominance. He's being VERY clear about who HE is. 

Be true to yourself. You deserve better.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

Kzo said:


> We spent so many special moments together, I don't want to quit on the man that gave me my happiest years (as a child I was my parents punching bag) and meeting him totally changed my life.


You met him when you were a still a kid. You're an adult now. He was a man gaining on 40. Of course you have such strong feelings for him. But unfortunately you are now finding out that he is not the man you thought he was, or want to be with.

You've had 10 years with him to mature and learn a lot about life and yourself. Be grateful for that, but realize it is time for you to "cut the apron strings" and move on.


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## Kzo (Feb 15, 2013)

chumplady said:


> Kzo, get some therapy, Hon. You were your parent's punching bag? Well, now you're this guys. He is DISRESPECTING you. He is not treating you the way people in grown up love treat a partner -- with mutuality and respect. Frankly, he wants two slave boys. You and James. You go along with what he wants or get lost. He owns your ass.
> 
> Time to emancipate Kzo. Your self esteem will go way, way up when you can live independently and on your own terms. You don't need this loser. I know you've invested a decade of your life, but learn from this. Hold out for healthy love. Living in a rented room is WAY better than existing two more minutes in this relationship.
> 
> ...


Chumplady,

you're right in nearly everything you said. I need therapy, and thinking that I might have done something wrong to this relationship, I suggested to him that we'd both go to couples counseling, which he refused right away.

He is a dominant top, controlling and possessive, a "master" as they call it, so for me it's no surprise that he is like this, the surprise is that he promised we'd be together forever and now I see that he is bringing in my "replacement". He even told me I need to be more "submissive" and "complacent", and you said it right, right now he owns my ass.

I will stay in this relationship for the time being, but I know that my days are counted, I need to start making arrangements to leave...


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

Kzo said:


> He even told me I need to be more "submissive" and "complacent", .........


Wow, just wow.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Kzo said:


> I will stay in this relationship for the time being, but I know that my days are counted, I need to start making arrangements to leave...


Yes, you do. As quickly as possible. You might also want to look into some IC for yourself. MC isn't going to do squat.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Seems to me you have a great deal to offer to a faithful, loyal spouse. The only problem you have is that you do not have one of those, do you?


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Find an attorney.
One who will be friendly to your cause.
If you're legally married, file for a divorce, if not get help figuring out which assets are yours...secure them, take them and find a new life where you won't be put out like yesterday's trash.
You know you're better than that.
It sounds like James is unlikable? 
Well, that's why he is vulnerable to your husband's attention. 
Because he has the perfect personality to be this so-called slave.
He will do anything for a little pat on the head and a show of affection.
Sounds like you have developed a sense of self, so of course your husband will not want you around, if what he wants is submission.
Your payoff has changed, that is, you're no longer willing to sell your soul to the devil. You want real love, the same as what you feel you've been giving all these years.
I hope you can find it. 
Get out and meet people, do things you enjoy but couldn't do because your husband didn't want you to, make yourself the priority, take different risks with better payoffs.
My guess is that after you've left, James will get the heebie jeebies about your husband, he might not seem such a safe bet any more. He'll be alone with him. He won't even be able to pretend he's with you when he's out in public with your husband. Everyone will see it's your H and his boy toy. Probably the last time he'll be able to pull that maneuver, he'll be stuck with what he's got.


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## curlysue321 (Jul 30, 2012)

Your husband sounds like a jerk. He is only interested in 18 year old boys and clearly you have aged out of his interest and are being replaced. You deserve someone who will put you first. Look for someone your own age who doesn't have a boy fetish. I am sorry this has happened to you. If you stay you will only feel worse as James becomes the center of attention.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

Kzo,
You're still a punching back but you just don't realize it. You do have a plan b, it's called Kzo. You can support yourself, just not the way it was before. Okay. You can get used to that. Would you rather live like this?

Leave. Learn to live with yourself first. Then make some man very happy. Best of luck.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Kzo,

You are legally married, right? How long have you been married?

Are you in a state that has alimony? See an attorney. Many states have rehabilitative alimony. He might be ordered to pay you support for a few years. That would give you the time to get into a trade school or university to get some real job skills. you might also qualify for financial aid for schooling.

Don't let anyone treat you like this. Your husband seems to like the young boys. There will be another one very few years. This kid who he wants as a slave will be thrown out one day. You know that. Since the two of you have been together so long he might want you to stay around because you are the person he leans on. But he wants young guys... this is the first of a string of young ones who he will bring into your life and force you to live with.

Just get out.


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## Kzo (Feb 15, 2013)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> It sounds like James is unlikable?
> Well, that's why he is vulnerable to your husband's attention.
> Because he has the perfect personality to be this so-called slave.He will do anything for a little pat on the head and a show of affection.
> 
> ...


James is 18, confused and doesn't know what to do with his life, doesn't know what to study or what type of job he wants, and doesn't get much affection at home, in other words, everything that my husband is willing to provide as he did with me. It's his daddy instinct, taking care of someone else, which is what he did with me, but now he wants another kid to take care of.



sandc said:


> Kzo,
> You're still a punching back but you just don't realize it. You do have a plan b, it's called Kzo. You can support yourself, just not the way it was before. Okay. You can get used to that. Would you rather live like this?


I spent my entire adult life with this man, I love him and he loves(d) me (truly), and it's hard to make a decision such as this one based on something so recent, it's only been 2 months since we met James.


EleGirl said:


> Kzo,
> 
> You are legally married, right? How long have you been married?
> 
> Don't let anyone treat you like this. Your husband seems to like the young boys. There will be another one very few years. This kid who he wants as a slave will be thrown out one day. You know that. Since the two of you have been together so long he might want you to stay around because you are the person he leans on.


I'm in Europe, I will have to look at my legal rights when it comes to my union status. He says he won't let me go empty handed... makes you wonder how much my years with him are worth.

James would be a good replacement, he is even more stupid and vulnerable than I am, that's why my husband wants him, someone younger that is even easier to control! But I know (or hope) that it won't last long, not everyone stays in a relationship for 10 years, and when it doesn't last, my husband will realize what he's lost for good.

Right now he is in the position of dealing the cards, he knows I love him so much that I'll just swallow whatever he throws at me, but I prefer to leave when I'm truly unhappy, miserable and no longer love him. At least I'll know that I have tried everything I could to save our relationship.


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## Flowers (Feb 5, 2013)

Acabado said:


> OK.. I'm goping to fall for this.
> 
> No hope here.
> Talk to a lawyer yesterday before you loose everything. File ASAP.
> You husband is gone, gone, gone. No way back.


Yes I agree with you here, your husband is gone. This is not midlife crises it a habit and as they saying goes "old habits die hard" he is not gonna change even after loving him so much.


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

Kzo said:


> James is 18, same age I was when I met my husband, and I have mentioned that to him, that he is tired of me, but James won't be 18 forever, and neither will my husband by 47 forever or have the looks to attract younger guys.


Unfortunately him running out of time is only going to add urgency to his quest to get what he wants. 

You are still young and attractive. Find someone who is looking for a partner, not just someone to f*ck for a few years.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

While the issue of both of you agreeing to enjoying an occassional threesome is your own decision, the biggest problem with that is he pole vaulted over the boundaries you made. And THAT is, in my opinon, the biggest issue here. Obviously, he had an agenda and put a spin on it to get you to comply.

Hey, if he wants a sub and you're not willing to do that, he's gonna have to deal with it if you're married or you walk. Period. I'm curious how James fits in with all of this. Is he that into your husband? Does he know what this is doing to your marriage? If he does, does he realize that he's gonna wind up looking just like you in another few years?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

> It's his daddy instinct...


Nope. It is his hebophiliac instincts. 

He is a pervert who likes to control boys.

Save yourself and try to save James, if you can. But the main focus of you must be on you.

Good luck for your future, without the hebophile in your life.


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## Kzo (Feb 15, 2013)

Time for an update: 3 weeks ago, after my husband nearly broke up with me, many fights, many tears and some broken glass... he finally kicked James out of our lives! It was extremely hard to make him do it (fortunately the boy did some mistakes that worked in my favor, such as buying a webcam for porn shows and even told me "go fcku yourself"). 

Eventually my husband understood that he had to stop changing rules every time James f-ed up, so he told him things weren't going to work ... because James and I clash too much. Now, I wish he would have admitted it was because James is a mess, but even after all this, my husband STILL wanted to remain friends with him (which I know would again lead to James being once again "considered" in a full time position for a trio). He even said "Ok, you guys don't like each other, but I'm attracted to him, could I meet him alone, just for sex?" Seriously...

Conclusion: he isn't having contact with James, not as far as I can tell. I've been monitoring WhatsApp and Skype, and since James didn't block me on neither of those (but I asked him to block my husband) it doesn't seem like they've been having any contact for the past 3 weeks. However, my husband works as a freelancer and sometimes spends 4 nights of the week out: while I don't think they are meeting (James lives very far) I don't know if they are talking on the phone/email.

So, now that James is out... it leaves me with the other part of the problem: that my husband told me that he wasn't sexually attracted to me, which really hurt me. I'm young, attractive and I'm working out and doing progress, it really hurt me when he said he wasn't sexually attracted to me. 

Ever since, sex has become a big deal for me. When we don't have sex (and since he is usually gone for half the week) it makes me feel "in danger", that something is wrong. Before James, we used to have sex once or twice a week, which isn't much ... but I got used to it. Now, well.. we did it 3 times this month (March), so that doesn't even make it once a week.

Since it's only been 3 weeks that he broke contact with James (and he didn't want to do it) I imagine that he is hurt and stressed. But I'm also hurt and stressed! It stresses me that he wanks twice a day when he has a pretty good husband who would like to have sex. It stresses me that when he wakes up at 6am ( and I'm clean and ready) all he does is "Good morning.. go back to sleep" and goes to the other room and wanks.

I feel that now that I know that our relationship was/is in danger, I evaluate everything to the most minute detail. Maybe I'm seeing problems where there aren't.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Always trust your gut.

I wish I would have.

Cruel words are hardly forgotten and when in a sexual nature are probably NEVER forgotten. I'm still having issues from ONE sentence my husband told me about my body. Dried me up faster than anything. It's hard to bring back that trust and openness.

I wish I would have listened better to MYSELF than think I was just insecure or making problems where there weren't any.

Turns out my gut was RIGHT. I was not insecure or making anything up. I was just so cluster-effed that I didn't know up from down.

Do what you feel is right--- it's your marriage. But just know that these feelings will stick around for a long time and if your husband gives you ANY REASON to doubt, address it then and don't listen to excuses.

Personally, I'd get out of your marriage. Your husband is disrespectful and a bully. He bullied you into cheating on you. Wow.

Good luck and know your worth. It's way more than this garbage.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

What have you done to investigate your legal options. Like it or not, this relationship could very well be ending.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Dude, you KNOW what's going on. Admit it to yourself.


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## Hope1899 (Mar 2, 2015)

You need to get on your knees, offer yourself as a slave, and set about serving him and his new lover as the houseboy yourself. Your Master will love seeing you bossed around by his new love. Face it, your days of enjoying equal status are over, get yourself a **** cage and let your Masters hold the keys. You may be able to keep yourself in the family if you work hard as a domestic, perform whatever sexual duties are requested of you and offer yourself as a toilet. Think yourself lucky you're not thrown out on the streets.


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