# Cheating, yes no? Unacceptable behavior.



## Strawberry1984 (Dec 27, 2020)

Infidelity, yes/no??!

Dear all,

I’m looking for some advices, new perspective or to maybe be reassured that the way I feel is perfectly normal😔

Situation is that husband and I have always had a very turbulent relationship/marriage. Been together for 8 years. Have a 2 y/o and a 4 year old. They are wonderful.

I’m not gonna go further in to the issues we have, as this post isn’t so much about that, as it is about how he makes me feel.

He applied for a separation 1.5 month ago. I had to accept. Wished we could go to therapy instead, but he said he was done. 1 month (of lots of fights!) later (and him moving to a new and, to me, unknown, new place) he started missing me. Fast forward; he wants to continue. He wants us to go to counseling. To see if we can work on things. He still wants the separation to go through and a splitting of assets (that he keeps his and I keep mine…) and then we can start working on things.
I agreed.

Ill go back a bit; right as we got separated he met someone. I have no idea if they’ve been intimate. I think they have though. We are talking only days after our separation I see messages from a woman on his phone- didn’t know what the message said, though.
Again, fast forward; we started seeing each other again. I noticed that he is still friends with this girl on Instagram. I asked him to delete her, as it makes me uncomfortable. He told me he would. Two days later he still haven’t done it. He tells me he think it’s a loser thing to delete someone. I kind of lost it then. I told him that it seemed to that he cared more about looking good in the eyes of a strange woman, then to be respectful to me. To accommodate my feelings.
That’s it shows his true colors.

The thing is that I feel very insecure of him. He is training a lot, has a big interest in that kind of lifestyle. And going through his Instagram account, he follows quite a lot of woman from the gym who shares fitness posing pictures.. Ass in the air, boobs in a tight and little training bra. We all know how these woman post pictures. 
I get that he would follow men from the training industry, but to follow women…that sends me a signal of non commitment.
Add on top of that, that every time he trained, he took of his wedding ring, as he couldn’t lift heavy with it…. 
Then also add that there’s not a single picture of me or my existence on Instagram. He isn’t someone who posts, but he definitely is someone who adds people and like other peoples content. I find that very confusing. Everytime I’ve posted a story on Instagram of our children, and tagged him, he won’t share it on his account. Now, some might think that I should let it go, it’s social media, and that I might seem ridiculous to care so much about this superficial media. 
But the fact is that it is not about Instagram itself, it’s about that I feel hidden. I feel like he won’t show me off (despite that I am the most beautiful girl, in his own words), but I feel like he keeps my existence out of the eyes of others.
The fact that he also won’t accommodate my feelings about that deleting this girl who he had something with, just sends me all the WRONG signals.

You who reads this, what do you think? Am I wrong/overreacting for telling him to delete her and overreacting by telling him that I feel insignificant, unloved and not respected by his behavior?

In my option the deleting should have come from him prompted, when he understood that it made me feel uncomfortable! It shouldn’t even have been necessary to say! Let along, have an argument about that he’s disrespecting me by not deleting her immediately!!

Another thing, 6 months ago, while we were together, I caught him texting with a woman from the gym, who I didn’t know of. I freaked out. Demanded to see the messages. In here it said how much she loves speaking to him and that she feeling so great in his company. His reply was that feelings are mutual.
Ever since then, what had been bad in our relationship, just took a turn to far far far worse!! I was so upset, mad, disappointed, angry, felt betrayed and the list goes on!!! He knew/know how I feel about limits of the opposite gender and contact. I am super loyal myself.
The other day he shows me messages from this lady. Kind of to show me that he’s a good guy for not replying her the past 2 times she texted him. But I noticed in one of the messages that she initiated the message by writing “hi my favorite guy”. That is not okay in my world! I don’t text any men while I’ve been with my husband (now sort of ex husband) and I absolutely would cut contact if a person would write me “how’s my favorite woman”.

Does my writing make any sense to you?
💔💔💔


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

this guy is a guy that wants it all , ask him if he would be in agreement with you having an affair with other men or women , 
there are a few things here that don't sit well for me , but it is not my relationship , 
he left and if we except that for some reason he happened to get to know another woman soon after , (my eye , to me he had her before the brake up , but lets say it is as he said after )
just because he changed his mind was it that it is cheaper to live at home and still play away 
his guy is married man and a bachelor boy , 

YOU are right in thinking he should have blocked her or even deleted his account ,
she is one of his friends with benefit , 

I did not read your other posts , but it looks like this guy split up with you as a form of manipulation, 
make you know what life would be with out him so you would then take him back and except his crap and cheating ways , 
a through back to ( A bird in the hand is better than one in the bush ) but he has a bird in each hand and more as well,


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

I'm not looking at any of your previous posts....



Strawberry1984 said:


> He applied for a separation 1.5 month ago. I had to accept. he said he was done. ...
> 
> Fast forward; he wants to continue. He wants us to go to counseling. ...
> 
> this girl on Instagram. I asked him to delete her ... He told me he would. Two days later he still haven’t done it. He tells me he think it’s a loser thing to delete someone.


I think that speaks for itself. He wants to "continue", but not enough to delete someone on Instagram! 
The politest way to put this is: he's an addict. Social media makes people crazy.
Be very careful of getting re-involved with him, unless you see a *real* change. And just deleting one girl on instagram doesn't represent real change, any more than an alcoholic staying sober for one evening means they're all better.


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## Strawberry1984 (Dec 27, 2020)

Laurentium said:


> I'm not looking at any of your previous posts....
> 
> 
> I think that speaks for itself. He wants to "continue", but not enough to delete someone on Instagram!
> ...


Dear god, your message here is really on point😔 You put feelings that I didn’t know how to express myself, into words. The issue IS that it’s not “just” about deleting one girl. It’s his attitude that’s the issue. The need to follow women. Whether it be for workout inspiration, as he called it, when I addressed this issue.
My (ex)husband is a very sexual man. I believe he’s a bit of a sex addict. I’m not like that, especially not after becoming a mother of two small children. 
But knowing how he feels about sex, I of course get even more insecure about his intentions of following women. He can be very charming, smiling, flirtatious.He is a very good looking man. He told me that he had so many women who expressed an interest, he could have had sex with them all, but he chose not to, since he is loyal to me, he says. It’s kind of a bizarre thing to tell me. Definitely it doesn’t make me applaud him or make me feel secure in the relationship! On the contrary. He’s an outgoing man. He likes to talk to everyone. So; a tall and good looking man, really nice trained, with a wow-body, outgoing and kind of flirtatious without having the intentions of being so, not wearing a wedding ring, not showing me anywhere on his Instagram account…….yea, that all definitely makes me worried and super insecure!!! 😔😞😢😢


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Strawberry1984 said:


> That’s it shows his true colors.


Actions always speak more loudly than words. And, he really doesn't have many encouraging words for you, either. If you stay with him you will always be made to feel insecure and disrespected.

You need to off this turkey and find yourself a man who will love, appreciate, and edify you with his actions. Then, you will have a happy life. Remaining there will continue to be


Strawberry1984 said:


> a very turbulent relationship/marriage





Strawberry1984 said:


> he could have had sex with them all, but he chose not to, since he is loyal to me,


Dear God, what a put-down....he's "doing you a favor" by staying loyal? Tell him you do not need his "favor", that you will leave his concupiscent a$$ to do whatever the hell it wants, and you will find someone you actually LIKE and WANT to have sex with.


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

Strawberry1984 said:


> My (ex)husband is a very sexual man. I believe he’s a bit of a sex addict. I’m not like that, especially not after becoming a mother of two small children.


So, were you meeting his sexual needs of was that the reason for the separation?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Yes, he’s very likely seeing other women (that’s almost always the purpose of separation) while dangling the possibility of reconciliation— but only if you do things as he wants. And I wouldn’t buy his story of no sex with anyone else. You didn’t trust him not to cheat when he was living with you so why would you trust him now that he isn’t. And if he gets caught he’ll say the two of you were on a break so it wasn’t cheating. After he sees what’s out there he may decide none of them are worth it but right now the opportunity is probably too good for him to pass up. Don’t have sex with him since you have no idea who he might be having sex with.

ETA: If you don’t want to get played then don’t give him the opportunity to play you.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

let's get real here. He is not an addict. He is not sick. He is not out of control or behaving compulsively. He is in control of his faculties and is acting with intention and method. 

This is not a pathology, it is a behavior. This is not a disease, it is bad character. He is not an adduct, he is a player. 

He wants to get down with lots of chicks. 

He wants to keep you around so he doesn't have to pay child support, doesn't have to split assets and has you around to take care of the house and watch the kids because he doesn't want to have shared custody where he has to take care of them 50% of the time. It's hard to bang chicks when you have a 2 and a 4 year old you have to take care of yourself half the time. 

He wants you as a maid and a babysitter while he hooks up with hot chicks at the gym. 

He wants to spin plates and wants you to be the maid and babysitter plate. 

He does not want to commit and limit himself to just one woman, he wants to hook up with whoever he is able.

Your choice in this matter is whether you want to be one of his plates or not. Do you want to be the maid and babysitter while he is out hooking up with other chicks? Or do you want to be free of him completely and deal with having to coparent with him if you do shared custody or sue him for child support assuming he does not want to do shared custody? 

This guy simply is not going to be a committed, faithful, monogamous, dutiful husband and father. It's not in his DNA and he is simply not wanting to do that. 

Your options are to have him in the marital home knowing that he is chasing other women and hooking up with whoever will have him. 

Or be free of him and living on your own as a single mother either shuttling kids off between each other in shared custody or trying to squeeze child support out of him.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

He is a narcissistic gym rat... get him out of your life. His behaviour is very disrespectful to say the least.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

I train in a gym with a bunch of women who post on Instagram. I do not wear a wedding ring there because it would get flattened into a pancake and I’d be sending it back to get fixed.

However… when my gym has social gatherings like BBQs and such I bring my wife. The women I interact with there she has met all of them multiple times. I don’t hang out with any of them outside the gym. Any activities like a run or a track workout it is a mixed group from the gym + sometimes other people like friends and such who want to try it.

Still, if my wife was threatened by them and asked me to not follow them that is an easy decision. Bye bye gym ladies.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

It is very clear that your husband was not happy in the marriage cause he is playing elsewhere. He has no commitment to you, the family nor any respect. You need to teach him a lesson and not let him call the shots. Act as if you believe he’s out of the marriage, act accordingly. Get your ducks in a row. 
be willing to lose this marriage, do not play the pick me dance, also forget about marriage councilling. He needs IC first to see why he is such a selfish disrespectful prick.
i assume you are separated do a full 180 on him. 
get a good lawyer see what your options are
go no contact, tell him to speak to your lawyer.
do not discuss relationship, nothing. He can see kids only. Meet him at the door. Hand them over with their overnight bag. 
No letting him live the single life while you have full time child caring responsibilities. 
tell all family and friends what has happened and what he has been doing.

He wants the separation so he can test run other women but have you as plan B. Do not give him that option. Let him see what a divorce will look like, esp when he takes 50% custody of 2 little kids it’s highly unlikely he’ll have time to flirt or be attractive to other women. 

don’t let him call the shots and laydown boundaries now, he is disrespectful to yiu hence all the arguments. Frankly getting rid of such a man will help you gain a life.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

I think you are wrong for doing anything else but divorcing this wishy-washy guy who wanted to test the waters and date someone while being married. He has wonderlust and he will just do it again.

Go find a guy who is as into you as he is himself and watch what a difference in your life that will be.


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## Mybabysgotit (Jul 1, 2019)

Strawberry1984 said:


> Add on top of that, that every time he trained, he took of his wedding ring, as he couldn’t lift heavy with it….


Yeah, that's what I said back in the day when I was looking elsewhere. It's BS


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Diceplayer said:


> So, were you meeting his sexual needs of was that the reason for the separation?


NO. She refused to. She wants him to do everything her way, including no sex. Read her earlier threads.

She doesn't want to leave him, no matter how unhappy they are together...she just wants to change him into the perfect husband FOR HER. She calls that "love".


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Strawberry1984 said:


> Infidelity, yes/no??!
> 
> Dear all,
> 
> ...


Get tested for STD's. 

This guy is just stringing you on.

I suggest sitting down and setting serious boundaries on his relationships with other women. He will likely not be able to keep them. If so, dump him. At least he will know exactly why you left and you will have learned how to set boundaries in a relationship.

Good luck.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Young at Heart said:


> Get tested for STD's.
> 
> This guy is just stringing you on.
> 
> ...


the only boundaries for a guy like him is a chastity cage on his willy lock him up everyday going out the door


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## A18S37K14H18 (Dec 14, 2021)

OP,

You said the two of you have always had a turbulent relationship and marriage.

The current situation isn't good of course, at all.

Without knowing about your "turbulent" relationship, I can't say whether the two of you should even be attempting to reconcile.

Turbulent may mean many different things and some of them aren't good.

I mean, why reconcile back into a relationship you shouldn't be in? Again depending on what you mean by turbulent relationship.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

LisaDiane said:


> NO. She refused to. She wants him to do everything her way, including no sex. Read her earlier threads.
> 
> She doesn't want to leave him, no matter how unhappy they are together...she just wants to change him into the perfect husband FOR HER. She calls that "love".


If that’s the case, then any man with options is going to exercise them if his wife is refusing to meet his basic needs. If she doesn’t want to for whatever reason (valid or not), then he’s going to get those needs met elsewhere. Either by leaving or cheating. In this case, seems like he chose to leave. Probably best to keep it that way.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

DudeInProgress said:


> If that’s the case, then any man with options is going to exercise them if his wife is refusing to meet his basic needs. If she doesn’t want to for whatever reason (valid or not), then he’s going to get those needs met elsewhere. Either by leaving or cheating. In this case, seems like he chose to leave. Probably best to keep it that way.


in no way can it be justified to cheat , if a husband or wife does not want to make love to their other for health reasons or for any other reason , 
( In my case if it was me and my wife was only making love out of for filling basic needs. I would feel like a rapist)
In our country it is common that a man takes on a mistress, and the wife knows his mistress,all most every President we have had in the last 100 has had one , 
We even have a law that stops the press from reporting on the privet life of politicians, so it is normal to only see it talked about after his death , like one resent President had his wife and long time mistress at his grave side .

Others agree to letting their other half fill their so called basic need through agreement with the one that can't fill that need letting to other find it outside . 

I think if I ever found myself not able to fill the basic needs.of my wife I would agree to her finding herself a bull ,
as THE LOVE I have for her is way past SEX .

For the people that have sex often it is only 10% our life together but we see here often for the couples that don't have sex it becomes 90% of their relationship .
they become obsessed with sex and the fact of not getting it , 

then if this husband is using multiplication to get his way but if his wife is in agreement I would say ok 
you have not the right because you don't want or can't have sex to hold the other at ransom 
you can not force the one you love to a sexless life because you don't want it .

In as much as sex is rape if giving freely , sex withholding or sex blackmailing and gold digging are not right 
We know there is rape in marriage , We know there is sex traded for good life ,
people even have sex out of duty like Royal s . and we saw what that achieved .

so if they have come to an agreement that he can have his cake and eat it I fully support them
If the case is just that they are having sex and he wants extra then if she is happy to take him back have sex with him and let him have sex with others I support that , if through agreement 

Cheating is cheating , if you have sex to just keep a roof over your head , in the same way as a escort has sex for money as long as both know what is in the trade I am happy. if you have sex and don't inform your partner that it is trade sex it is cheating


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Did your husband ever find a job? I read some history, and you got quite a bit of flack for not wanting to move with him.

So he’s shown no interest in learning the language, but now he can go to gym and meet new women in your country?

Did this man ever have real paid work In any country? How is he paying for the gym and new place??

I thought his goal was to move somewhere and find a job?


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Strawberry1984 said:


> My (ex)husband is a very sexual man. I believe he’s a bit of a sex addict. I’m not like that, especially not after becoming a mother of two small children.


So you’re one of _them_. Quit your job as a wife to take on the full time mommy role. The only attention you give him is grief over his hobbies. Both of you should get off social media. Start paying attention to him or others will.


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