# My husband told me he is going to cheat and I would never know...



## Choose2love (Jul 28, 2009)

A few of you have been following my posts. We have been trying to establish equality in the sack and in the realtionship as a whole over the past few months. It has always been on his terms, and this morning presented a very concrete example. He groped me on the privates and upper privates and expected me to jump for joy and say take me now. Although I would like to have sex, he needs to know its not always a wham bam... there has to be a mixture. So I said can we just explore each other Im not ready. He got up out of bed and put his shorts on and then started a fight. Downstairs on his way out the door, he said, "I'll go get it somewhere else and you will never know." That sounds like a threat to me. 

I tried to tell him that this is just what I have been talking about... sex has to be his way or no way. He doesnt seem to care. ANY advice???? Help me please....


----------



## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

i have got up out of bed before, right at that moment. when my wife doesnt respond to touch, kissing, everything tickles and i can touch her there or there. i just give up and tell her, hey when your ready let me know. i dont play that BS anymore. again, this is debated on here to exhaustion, men venus/women mars

i just dont have the energy to play the games anymore. it aint worth it.

i'm not sure what you mean when you tell him you want to "explore" each other. if it is a physical exploration, then i am not sure why he wouldnt be game for that. maybe you should take the lead in that, if your waiting on him it obviously isnt working. if the "explore" term means more, like reconnecting on a higher mental plane (or whatever), then the sack isnt the right place to engage a man in that activity.


----------



## Choose2love (Jul 28, 2009)

Nope, I did mean fool around and he got out of bed anyway bc we werent doing it on his terms.


----------



## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Most men experience love through sex, so while you are saying "hey I'm not ready yet, slow down", he's hearing "I'm not really into you, because obviously if I was into you I'd be sopping wet and screaming like a pornstar right now, and because I'm not into you, it's basically like I don't really love you either".

Perhaps some basic sex ed for him about female arousal? Plenty of books and DVDs out there that cover the womens need for foreplay. Telling men they are bad at sex is awfully tricky. I'd be very careful to frame it as "this is what I need", rather than, "this is what you are doing wrong".

The leaving the house thing is just him being frustrated and angry. I wouldn't put too much stock into the threat that he's going to find someone else immediately to have sex with. That's more of a below the belt punch that anything. It is pretty offensive though and ideally he'd apologize for it.

Though maybe it would be worth doing a sweep on the computer, email, cell phone just to rule out him being an asshat.


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Your posts have been very genuine and truly you are not asking for anything at ALL unreasonable. As a male - I will give you the flip side of the equation. This morning my wife "woke" me up before the kids were awake. She started gentle caressing my legs, then my thighs, and then after a while she slid my shorts off. Then she kept touching my inner thighs until I was completely hard, THEN she started to touch me directly. 

And yes we ended up having sex - and it was great - as usual. But if she had started out by grabbing the equipment - honestly - truly - I might have not gotten hard. And my wife is very attractive and very fit. And I am IN love with her. Still, the "genital attack" is not fun for anyone.
>>>>>
Clearly the whole sexual interaction between you to has gotten him really edgy. This is NOT your fault at all. I can tell you want to solve it. It is possible that when you initiate he is afraid that because he is not "in the mood" at the moment, that he won't perform? I think it is a fair question for him, it really is ok for him to have performance anxiety, all men have that on occassion. Because that is a lot less selfish reason for him saying no. I am NOT saying that makes it OK for him to reject you. But if it is performance he is worried about, I imagine you can show him that you will do patient foreplay with him until he is ready to go. 

I used to initiate 95% of the time. Now at 46 - it is more like 65%. But when she asks I either say Yes or "can we make love tomorrow"? Because that has been our "house rule" for a long, long time. And we both follow it. Feelings don't get hurt when your spouse hugs you and says "baby you know I think you are hot, I am just tired, can I rock your world tomorrow?"


----------



## Choose2love (Jul 28, 2009)

Great thoughts. He does not have performance anxiety... he can work if he chooses to. We had a great sex life when I followed his lead and accepted No from him when he didnt want to which has increased over the last year. He would flip out if I woke him up to have sex! There are so many rules attached to when I can, how it needs to be done... I think I have performance anxiety. Plus, there is no time to talk about it except when we go to therapy for one hour every other week. 

I think I need to hold out for the kind of foreplay I deserve... nearly 3 years of grab and go needs to be replaced with a man who will take the time to kiss me and get me ready or he will find a dried up well (literally) He cant understand why I wont just do it anymore... I have had enough of just doing it and getting it over with... I want him to approach my body like he adores it. He cant hear my message b/c all he hears is No. Then, he says "now you know how I feel when I dont want it." I said back to him... "no I dont, bc I do want it, I just want it differently than this." 

Bottom line is its my hole, I dug myself in by needing sex so badly early on (I went 4 years without in my previous marriage due to his ED), that I took it any way I could get it... and I was always ready to go. Now, Im not always ready to go from all this fighting about it. I need to hold out for what I should have held out for ealry on. 

Wish me luck! We are great together in bed when we both want it.


----------



## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

Choose2love said:


> Great thoughts. He does not have performance anxiety... he can work if he chooses to. We had a great sex life when I followed his lead and accepted No from him when he didnt want to which has increased over the last year. He would flip out if I woke him up to have sex! There are so many rules attached to when I can, how it needs to be done... I think I have performance anxiety. Plus, there is no time to talk about it except when we go to therapy for one hour every other week.
> 
> I think I need to hold out for the kind of foreplay I deserve... nearly 3 years of grab and go needs to be replaced with a man who will take the time to kiss me and get me ready or he will find a dried up well (literally) He cant understand why I wont just do it anymore... I have had enough of just doing it and getting it over with... I want him to approach my body like he adores it. He cant hear my message b/c all he hears is No. Then, he says "now you know how I feel when I dont want it." I said back to him... "no I dont, bc I do want it, I just want it differently than this."
> 
> ...



you have every right to have your sexual needs and desires fullfilled, no question there.


----------



## still reeling (Jul 17, 2009)

May seem like an innocent threat now - but I fear if this goes on much longer he may consider following through. Sounds like he is at the stage of reasoning with himself and validating his feelings, which leads to him convincing himself it is ok to proceed with whatever if you won't oblidge. He wants his needs met and you if you won't do it he will find someone who will. Been down that road, never did I think he would follow through and well here I am - much of the same issue - sex was always grab and go and I never got what I needed/wanted in that department. So it became a game of tug of war - the more he groped the more turned off I was and well that leads us to where we are now - several affairs later and well you can read my posts if you want more on that whole situation. 

However, things are much better now in the sex department, we both want great sex and we both give a little to get what we want and it has made our sex life much more satisfying for both of us. I just wish we didn't have to endure all that we have to get where we are. It seems that this should be easier somehow, but you are right you need/should expect more out of your sex life, it can't always be one sided all the time - that is selfish and destructive on his part. You need to figure out what you are willing to live with or without for that matter and SERIOUSLY take into consideration your health safety should he try to go "somewhere else". I am talking about STD's, aids and all the scary stuff that cheating spouses don't think about when they are getting their "needs" met elsewhere and bringing it back home to you.


----------



## mike1 (Jun 15, 2009)

There have been plenty of times I've thought that in my head (about getting it elsewhere) but would never say it out loud to her. I'm not justifying his actions but for me personally the rejection gets to be degrading. I feel just like Okiedokie that it's just a big game. I try to get romantic, caress her, tickle her back in bed. I LOVE foreplay and am happy to spend as much time as she needs getting her in the mood. But 95% of the time she rejects me (after I've spent 30 minutes tickling & massaging her back in bed) then after a few days of doing that I get ripped for pushing her to have sex all the time! So I'm not touching her or doing any of that any more. And I told her that I'm not going to push sex on her that she can come to me when she's ready. So it's been a couple of weeks and since I'm not doing any of that she has the gall this morning to ask me if I'm mad at her and says I've seemed distant lately. Of course I just smile a good smile and say nothing's wrong at all and give her a kiss on the head.

Didn't mean to hijack the thread! But I don't get why he gets angry and you definitely have the right to be pleasured. With that said hopefully it doesn't have to be a big production every time you want sex. I mean I don't think there's anything wrong with a quickie sometimes. Would there be a reason he would think you just wanted to explore and not have sex? I know I get upset because that happens to me all the time and I quickly get out of bed (sometimes angrily) after 30+ minutes of trying to caress my wife and explore her without groping, etc. basically trying to get her in the mood. And I do get upset that almost never results in sex. So could it be that's what he was feeling? Because I can't imagine a guy not willing to work a little if he knows he's getting sex :scratchhead:

Bottom line is if you are clear with him that he's going to get sex, you just need some warm up time then he's being a jerkhole. And there may not be much you can do to change that. If he really just expects to turn over and climb on top of you after groping you for a few seconds and isn't willing to spend a little time to get you going then I don't know how you're going to be able to change that. Maybe you could strike a deal - like he can have a quickie x number of times a week if you get what you want x times a week? It really doesn't make sense to me unless he was under the impression you just wanted him to spend a bunch of time exploring and it wasn't necessarily going to result in sex.

Sorry for you  I hope something positive happens!


----------



## mike1 (Jun 15, 2009)

Also, just to add quickly that as a man who is rarely satisfied in his sex life the thought of getting it elsewhere enters my mind frequently. And it's hard to say if his threat was genuine. But I think if a man isn't getting what he wants (even if it's totally unreasonable) he is more likely to search it out elsewhere. I saw some documentary on prostitutes where a lot of men would go to see them not because they didn't love their wives or have sex with them but they would do things their wives wouldn't (like give head, anal, or some other fetish).


----------



## hubby (Aug 10, 2009)

mike1 said:


> Also, just to add quickly that as a man who is rarely satisfied in his sex life the thought of getting it elsewhere enters my mind frequently.


I am as loyal of a spouse as they come, but after 11 years of basically sexless marriage I came extremely close to cheating. I somehow caught some sense of reality to stop myself from going too far a few times. I too told my wife a few times that if I could not get my needs met at home that they would be met somewhere else and a few times she told me she did not care. It was bad. I am really glad I did not but given the right (or wrong as it may be) circumstances, I would have. 

It is just so easy to rationalize. What is the one thing that is so black and white that you can do with no other person except your spouse... sex. You can do just about anything else and it would not break the vows of marriage. You can share money, time, feelings, friendship, support, work, anything else but sex. That is what makes sex so key in a marriage. You have made a commitment to share each other and with no one else in this way. If there is something causing it to disappear from the relationship, I totally believe that it is the responsibility of the spouse withholding to communicate TRUTHFULLY what is causing it to happen. It is both spouses responsibility to address those problems, but you cannot do anything until both people know about the problem and care enough to fix it.


----------



## Choose2love (Jul 28, 2009)

Thanks. I am willing and very able to please in bed... in many different areas of the body with him... he taught me many things. I love quickies... actually prefer them, but I want to know he is willing to take my needs into consideration... its all how he wants it... or its no way... and he just turns over in bed.


----------

