# Wife won't come back. What do I do?



## mr.mike

My wife left a month ago for an extended but planned family visit in another state, but now she won’t come back home, which she just told me a week before she was originally planning to return.

We moved from living near her family and friends where she is now to be closer to mine 7 months ago. She originally wanted to move here, and it made sense for us financially because the cost of living is much cheaper here. But, she has never felt accepted by my family and has been depressed since moving here. This goes back to before we were even married 3 years ago, when my mother and brother questioned her and our relationship. Now, at almost every family gathering, my wife will be set off and angered by comments that my family makes, which aren’t even intended to hurt her. She stopped going to most family gatherings, and I’ve been stuck in the middle between my family’s constant questions about her and her not wanting to do anything with them. I’ve just made excuses like she’s not feeling well. It’s also hard because I’m stressed financially and not the happiest person to be around lately, and she doesn’t work so she’s around me all the time. She was seeing a counselor for months before she left to deal with her depression, which she won’t discuss with me.

I’ve been insecure about my wife leaving for the long family visit, mainly because I know she’s been unhappy here and feared that she may not come back. Also, I knew she’d be going out with her single friend who likes to get drunk and hook up with random men almost every time I’ve been out with her. So, I’ve questioned my wife about where she’s been and it has led to her getting angry with me when I call her, thinking I have to know her every move. She has become more distant each time I talk to her, and said that she wants space to figure out what happened to her and the person she used to be. I also noticed that she deleted her fashion blog and videos that I helped her with that she’s been working on for the past year, which she said she didn’t have time for anymore. I asked her sister what was going on and told her about my wife’s anger towards me, and her sister told me that she’s really depressed and unhappy, but not to worry because she’s acting like that with everyone there and has good and bad moments. I tried to give her space by not contacting her for a few days.

Two days ago my wife told me that she was coming here to talk about a lot of things, but she’s not planning on staying. She said that she’s made decisions during the time and space I’ve given her, but she wouldn’t elaborate. I’m really worried about losing her, and that she may not love me anymore. I told her that I don’t want her to give up on us, and I’ll do whatever it takes to make things better, including marriage counseling. She makes impulsive decisions, like deleting the blog and her fb a few years ago. I just hope she doesn’t make one with our marriage and delete me.

Please give me any suggestions on how to handle our “talk” and our future together.

Thank you


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## This is me

"when my mother and brother questioned her and our relationship"

Yikes! What a huge no no. Your family is way out of bounds if they are getting onto your marriage. This would set me off too. 

This is where you needed to tell the fam they are out of line and show her you respect your marriage and will stand up for it.

Actions speak louder than words.

IMHO.


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## mr.mike

I did stand up for her and told them that they were out of line. I didn't have contact with my family for awhile after, but this was 3 years ago. It seemed like things were getting better because my wife and I visited them before moving here, and my wife wasn't upset then.


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## C3156

mr.mike said:


> She has become more distant each time I talk to her, and said that she wants space to figure out what happened to her and the person she used to be.


This is what stands out to me. It is her way of telling you that she is most likely done with your marriage. 

These are a code that translates "to I am done but don't want to come out and say it." My experience is that women don't want to be the one to outright hurt someone, so they will say something like this that sounds kind of nice. The problem is that they leave that bit of ambigutiy out there and then you think that you still have a chance once they "find" whatever it is they are looking for.

In reality, she will continue to distance herself from you in the hope that you finally get tired of it and be the bad guy and tell her that you are done. It will ease her conscience and then she can put all the blame on you.

I hate to tell you this, but I would plan for the worst and hope for the best in your upcoming discussion.


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## mr.mike

She told me she plans to come to see me tomorrow for our talk. Should I go to her instead?


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## happyman64

WHat should you do???

Listen to her. 

Do not get emotional. Do not beg or cry for her.

Your wife sounds like she needs a good shrink.

And you should offer to bring her to one.

Do not make any long term decisions about your marriage and do not let her either.

Are you sure there is no one else in the picture???

Who has been supporting her while she is away?

How old are you guys and do you have any kids?


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## mr.mike

happyman64 said:


> WHat should you do???
> 
> Listen to her.
> 
> Do not get emotional. Do not beg or cry for her.
> 
> Your wife sounds like she needs a good shrink.
> 
> And you should offer to bring her to one.
> 
> Do not make any long term decisions about your marriage and do not let her either.
> 
> Are you sure there is no one else in the picture???
> 
> Who has been supporting her while she is away?
> 
> How old are you guys and do you have any kids?


She sees a shrink, but maybe she needs a better one. I did offer marriage counseling. 

I don't think there's anyone else, but that's always a possibility. I think her depression has more to do with it. 

I've been supporting her, and she's staying with her sister basically for free.

I'm 31. She's 27. No kids.


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## happyman64

Then all I can say is listen to her and be there for her.


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## C3156

The gesture of you going to her will not hurt.

Ideally she is coming to talk about how to fix your marriage.

On the flip side, I suspect that she has already made up her mind on what she wants to do. You need to be ready to deal with that discussion when it happens. Be willing to accept your faults, but do not allow her to blame you for everything. It takes two to tango.


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## Anon Pink

You know your post made me think of my brother, our family, his psycho ex wife.

We never wanted those two to marry, even though we could tell he loved her dearly. We saw her to be selfish, self indulgent, not at all giving or loving, superficial, and closed off emotionally. She sensed it, even though we went out of our way to include her. She never tried to become a part of our family but instead expected all of us to treat her like the precious perfect princess she was in her family.

For a solid 15 years my brother distanced himself from us to make his wife happy. She never was able to get what she needed from him and demanded from him. Finally she found better prospects! Mind you my brother was a total ass lots of times, but those two were simply mismatched from the beginning.

Not all women are even able to get their needs met, even if they have a man who would do anything to meet them, anything meaning chest thumping, knuckle dragging, ball scratching, Neanderthal man could do. 

He found a woman who was loving and giving and he died a happy man. Psycho hitch ex wife is still alone and even more miserable than she ever was!

Sometimes, your family knows you better than you know yourself and sometimes a man can be totally blinded by fine eyes and a nice rack! Only you can decide if this story has relevance in your life. 

I wish you peace.


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## mr.mike

My wife isn't a pyscho, but she does have anger issues and is easily upset. She also has issues because her mother, who died when my wife was 12, was mistreated by her mother-in-law.


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## mr.mike

I talked to her on the phone. She said that she already planned to come here, so that's what she wants to do and doesn't want me to buy a ticket for her (she can fly discounted or for free using her Southwest friend though). She sounded better and we shared a couple laughs, and she said that she knows she's not easy to get along with sometimes. But, she did say she's been watching her "****ty shows", as she says I call them even though she made up that name, and she's been enjoying working out with her sister's partner because she's able to workout with someone else unlike when I don't join her at gym. So she's definitely showing some negative feelings for me. She did say "I love you too" when we hung up, but I don't know if she still means it...


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## Anon Pink

Well those are all good signs!

I really like how much effort you are putting into understanding her. 

There were times over the years that I secretly wished my husband would physically block me from getting lost in my head. Times when I was overwhelmed and confused and I felt like I needed to contain myself. I don't know how I would have reacted had he done it, to be honest. Because once you make a move like that you have to see it through, you can't half ass a boundary line. But also, he was never in touch with how I was feeling and sidelined me waiting for me to get my sht together. So perhaps my secret wish was really about him just noticing me.


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## DavidWYoung

It sounds like she has made up her mind all ready about the end of the marriage months ago. We will see. David


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## happyman64

Mike

Patience. Listen. 

Do not feel forced to make any decisions.

No arguing. Hear her out.


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## mr.mike

Her sister and I just exchanged a few texts. She says that my wife won't even talk to her, and that she's so unhappy, crying, and thinks she's fat and ugly. Her sister doesn't know what to do either, and she asked my wife why she won't talk to me or her. My wife said that she's tired of being criticized and hearing that she's making drama.

So it seems like my wife's recent behavior is mostly stemming from the tension between my family and her, and my reactions to it. I have told her in the past that she's overreacted to their comments and was causing drama, and so has her sister. We only meant to calm her down. My wife knows how to hold a grudge and gets easily angered, so it happens a lot. Also, my recent insecurity and criticism, due to the stress of all this and my financial situation, has pushed her away.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser

If you have financial stresses, WHY doesn't your wife WORK?


It would relieve the financial stress.
It would get her out of the house.
It would help her be around people more often.
It would help with her depression and spending so much time in her head.

Your wife sounds like kind of a PRINCESS that EVERYBODY worries about...but what does SHE contribute AS A *PARTNER* in YOUR life?


Does she take care of the entire household (cooking, cleaning, laundry, shopping) since she is home ALL DAY?
Does she pay the bills and become involved in the family budgeting?
Does she help you with projects around the house that need doing?
Is she actively involved in keeping your sex life healthy?
Does she show an interest in YOUR interests?
Does she do ANYTHING that demonstrates that she is 100% into this marriage and 100% into you and 100% into PULLING HER SHARE of the weight?

If not, then you're not married to a WIFE, you're married to your FIL's "princess".


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## mr.mike

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> If you have financial stresses, WHY doesn't your wife WORK?
> 
> 
> It would relieve the financial stress.
> It would get her out of the house.
> It would help her be around people more often.
> It would help with her depression and spending so much time in her head.
> 
> Your wife sounds like kind of a PRINCESS that EVERYBODY worries about...but what does SHE contribute AS A *PARTNER* in YOUR life?
> 
> 
> Does she take care of the entire household (cooking, cleaning, laundry, shopping) since she is home ALL DAY?
> Does she pay the bills and become involved in the family budgeting?
> Does she help you with projects around the house that need doing?
> Is she actively involved in keeping your sex life healthy?
> Does she show an interest in YOUR interests?
> Does she do ANYTHING that demonstrates that she is 100% into this marriage and 100% into you and 100% into PULLING HER SHARE of the weight?
> 
> If not, then you're not married to a WIFE, you're married to your FIL's "princess".


I agree with your entire first list. I told her to find a job when we moved here, especially to get her out of the house and to meet new friends here, which would also help her depression. At first, she looked for jobs, but after a couple weeks of trying she gave up and has had excuses ever since. I work from home and she's around me 24/7, which I feel is too much. 

She is a princess type and has always been taken care of, but she did have a part time job before we moved here. She does do all the household work and cooking. I do the bills and house projects. Her depression has made our sex life worse, which I regretfully complained about. She has little or no interest in my interests. We watch TV in separate rooms. She loves to get out of the house and go places, especially where she can dance. The problem is that going out to bars and to eat all the time costs too much. I didn't have a problem with her not contributing financially as long as she had a part time job to keep her busy. But, my income has since decreased and resulted in a lot of stress on me.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser

She is acting like a spoiled teenager instead of a grown woman!

Who doesn't like to go out dancing, drinking and eating? But you don't GET THAT PRIVILEGE unless you FIRST bring home the money to PAY FOR IT.

If she can get out of the house to go have FUN, then she can get out to get a job! If you want a WIFE, you're going to have to INSIST on it. Otherwise, you'll just become her "Daddy" for the next 50 years (no wonder she doesn't want to have sex with you, she views you as a DADDY/CARETAKER, NOT a husband.)

I'm guessing your wife is coming over today to tell you she's moving back with her family PERMANENTLY. AND to collect her favorite/most expensive posessions.

If she is willing to go to MC, then tell her it's IMPERATIVE starting NOW, or you won't be able to save this marriage. If she refuses the MC offer, then there *IS* NOTHING you can do to save this marriage.


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## mr.mike

I told her that she would have to get a job when she got back from her family visit before she left. Right now she's helping her sister with her business as she has in the past to make some money. 

Unfortunately, that is my guess too that she's just coming to call it off and take off with her things. 

I did tell her that I want to go to marriage counseling to work things out, and it would give her a clearer idea of what a marriage should be. If she refuses, I agree, it's over.


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## mr.mike

I haven't heard from my wife yet about when she's going to be here today. I was thinking about what she told me about having plans to come here, and that she said she would call me late tonight or early tomorrow. She may not be flying standby to come here and talk, which I just assumed. She might be driving, which would mean she borrowed a car and is coming to get her things and leave. This would also mean that she's very determined to leave if she's driving 800 miles back and forth.


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## happyman64

And if she is that determined what will you do?


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## mr.mike

All I can do is stay calm and hear her out. I will offer marriage counseling, maybe even calling one of the MC hotlines on here. It's just making me more anxious because her mind is probably made up already.


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## mr.mike

She did drive the 800 miles here. She will be here soon. Ugh.


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## mr.mike

My wife and I talked. I remained calm and listened. She told me everything that's been bothering her with our relationship and cried through most of it. She says it's half my family and half me, and she went through a list of why. She dreams of a happy life with her in-laws, but said she will never have that with me. She thinks my mother and brother hate her and always will. She also thought that I never stood up to them enough when defending her. She says that they've caused our relationship to go down and down.

As for me, she said I've been overly critical of her repeatedly over the past 3 years about her clothes, body, our sex life and even her choice of shows she likes. She says I don't take her out to dance enough, and I'm unhappy when I do. She brought up trips that we've taken that she didn't think I was excited for. She's been waiting for me to give her a dream wedding because we eloped when we got married. She feels that I haven't been trying to have the wedding and get her new ring because I've bought other things instead, and she's been waiting 3 years. She thinks I'm too impatient and get angry as a result, which pushes her away more and more. 

She doesn't think I will change. She thinks I will always be too impatient and critical. And she knows my family will never change. She said that she doesn't want me or my family to change if we tried because she thinks it would be fake and not a natural change.

She's given up on me. She says things have gone too far to where she doesn't care anymore. She won't see a marriage counselor. She's done with me.

I'm heartbroken. We both still said we love each other. I got a little emotional because I know my impatience and criticism is coming from my financial and family stress, and I told her that I wish she could see that and let me get help. I know I've wronged her so many times. I've been under constant stress since we got married, and I have plenty of low points where I lash out. I haven't been the same person she first met. I don't have enough money for her dream wedding and ring. I know I need help and want to get it. She said it didn't matter and it's too late. I asked her to at least take some time to think about what I said and not make a decision yet. She said her mind was made up before she came to talk. She wants to end it. Once she makes up her mind that's it. 

We ended our talk calmly. We hugged a few times. I told her I love her and hope she will at least consider what I said about getting help. I don't think she will change her mind. I think it's over. She's taking her things and leaving tomorrow. I feel like such a fool and a jerk.


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## happyman64

Hey Mike,

I do not think you sound like a jerk.

You sound like a man that loves his wife.

I know there are 2 sides to every story. But your wife sounds like the person that is impatient.

You made it clear you love her. She will not do MC.

Let Her Go.

You cannot have a marriage without her. And it sounds like she would rather be with her family.

Sorry for you buddy.

HM64


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## mr.mike

I do love her. I just wish she would've told me how bad things were getting and how close she was to ending it before it got to this point. She said she gave me red flags when we argued in the past, and she wanted me to naturally fix our problems without explicitly telling me how much she was hurting. 

She also mentioned how patient she is and how impatient I am, and how we don't have a balance. I know I'm impatient. I hoped she would be patient with me about fixing myself and our relationship. But, she thinks it's already broken.


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## mr.mike

My wife is packing everything of hers and leaving. She's signing over her car to me. She returned her Xmas present from me that can only be used here. She won't reconsider anything from our talk. The only thing she said she might do is see a marriage counselor once to give me closure but not to fix our marriage, which I asked for.


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## mr.mike

I will focus on improving myself. I already bought some self help books and plan to start working out again. I haven't slept properly since we moved here over 6 months ago. Actually I haven't slept well in years, but it's been much worse here. Exercise will definitely help that. 

It's hard not to blame myself for my wife ending it. My stress in the tough times has led to far too much criticism and anger towards her. I can see how it would have built up inside her until the breaking point. I should have been more introspective, but for some reason I had blinders on. I hate that I've criticized her so much without provocation or reason. I don't know why I was trying to change her because I love the way she is. 

Her sister, who came here with her, said that my wife's been unhappy, sick, constipated, crying and lashing out at her for the past month. She sleeps 13 hours a day and won't talk to anyone. When she does, she's irritable and defensive. Her sister thinks that my wife still loves me, but she won't communicate normally with anyone. 

She's still here with all her stuff packed and ready to go tomorrow. She was crying on and off the whole time packing. It may be the last time I ever see her. I hope I don't breakdown after she leaves.


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## happyman64

All you can do is tell her you love her and that you want her happy and healthy.

It might just be that she needs help that you cannot give her.

And that happens sometimes.

Be strong for you. Be strong for her.

Wish her the best.

Because sometimes that is all you can do.


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## happyman64

You ok Mike???


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## mr.mike

A lot of our disagreements are superficial. But, she just couldn't take my unhappiness and constant criticism anymore. I pushed and pushed until she was gone. I kept trying to change her, and I didn't even know why. She's traumatized now.

I'm going to seek help for my stress and anger. I'm also going to start working out and trying to get normal sleep again. I need to start working on myself.

She agreed that she will keep seeing a therapist. She wants to cut off all support from me, and she signed over her car to me. She was crying on and off all morning.

I just drove her to the airport and let her go. I told her that I love her and just want her to be happy. She said I'm a good person and wished me the best, and then left for her flight. I hope she considers what I said about trying to fix my problems and doesn't give up on me. But, for now she's done talking and is moving on. I won't be contacting her because it won't help. This is the worst day of my life.

She just texted me "Thank you for everything  I will always appreciate you forever."

Should I respond to this?


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## happyman64

mr.mike said:


> A lot of our disagreements are superficial. But, she just couldn't take my unhappiness and constant criticism anymore. I pushed and pushed until she was gone. I kept trying to change her, and I didn't even know why. She's traumatized now.
> 
> I'm going to seek help for my stress and anger. I'm also going to start working out and trying to get normal sleep again. I need to start working on myself.
> 
> She agreed that she will keep seeing a therapist. She wants to cut off all support from me, and she signed over her car to me. She was crying on and off all morning.
> 
> I just drove her to the airport and let her go. I told her that I love her and just want her to be happy. She said I'm a good person and wished me the best, and then left for her flight. I hope she considers what I said about trying to fix my problems and doesn't give up on me. But, for now she's done talking and is moving on. I won't be contacting her because it won't help. This is the worst day of my life.
> 
> She just texted me "Thank you for everything  I will always appreciate you forever."
> 
> Should I respond to this?


Of course you respond. You tell her the truth Mike.

And this is not the worst day of your life even though it seems like it right now.

*It is the first day of your new life.*

So Mike it sounds like you have a few issues yourself.

Why don't you make a list of them.

Go see a therapist and work on you. Get your head in order and then decide what your next step in your new life you will take.

Because you are no good to anyone if you are carrying your baggage around and your wife is no good to you if she is carrying her baggage around as well.

HM64


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## mr.mike

I know I need to stop blaming myself and snap out of it. I will fix my own issues. But, if she was serious about loving and being married to me, she wouldn't give up like this. And she's extremely stubborn, so there's no changing her mind or point in trying to. She's mentally unstable when angered and always has been, so she has her own anger issues. It's not just me. I recall one valentine's day when she was screaming at me and hitting herself because we got in a fight over bringing my dog along for a day trip I planned for us to a fun beachside city that allows dogs everywhere, which she thought was insulting. She went for a 3 hour walk just to calm down. She's complained about other trips or nights out I planned if they weren't perfect for her. She can be one angry princess.

I didn't respond to the text, so she called later to tell me the same bs from the text and to tell me to cut off her phone from our plan.

Thank god for no kids. She originally wanted kids when we got married, but soon changed her mind after nannying for the worst kid ever that drove her insane for months. Or at least she claimed that was the reason.


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## happyman64

That is the key. Fix your own issues.

Leave her to work on her issues.

I think in a few months you will feel relieved.


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## Plan 9 from OS

I don't see why you are beating yourself up so much over losing this woman. As long as you didn't abuse her physically, mentally or emotionally, abuse drugs/alcohol, didn't go out to party with friends at all hours of the night or cheat on your wife - then how could you possibly say that you were mostly to blame for this? 

You lashed out at your wife periodically because you felt the financial strain from reduced income from your job. Why didn't your wife take responsibility to find a job to help pay the bills? You didn't have any kids that she needed to stay home for to raise, so she clearly wanted to be a kept woman. If she would have contributed to the finances with her own job then perhaps you wouldn't have felt all of this financial pressure. Then it's likely that you could tend to other issues that would have been important to your wife.

I don't want to take sides here since I only have your perspective, but from what you wrote it sounds clear that this woman was always coddled by her family and she wanted the dream of marrying a man with money to take care of her. This also tells me that you need to work on improving your self confidence and self respect so that you don't get walked on by your wife nor your family who didn't like your wife. That's what I see and I wish you the best.


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## mr.mike

I agree that I lashed out at my wife because of the financial strain. I realize now that I resented her for not working or trying to for the last 9 months. She's a princess and doesn't want to work. She wants to be taken care of. All she wanted to do was work on her fashion blog that made nothing, and I even helped her with it to make her happy.


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## C3156

Unknown said:


> If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, its yours forever. If it doesn’t, then it was never meant to be.


Mike, sorry to see it upfold this way. Continue to work on you and gain some self awareness. Figure out what happened on your end and try to fix the areas you see that could be improved. It is easy to blame your wife for all the problems but a true test is to reflect on yourself and see if you could have done anything differently.

Easier said than done, but stop worrying & complaining about your wife. She has made her decision whether you like it or not. The only thing you can do is move forward. Learn from this experience and use that knowledge to your benefit.


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## mr.mike

I'm going to a therapist today to try and fix my control, anger and depression issues. I made a list of all the things I criticized about my wife, and it's unbelievable to me how negative I've been.

I also started working out again. Hopefully my sleep will fall in line now.


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## happyman64

mr.mike said:


> I'm going to a therapist today to try and fix my control, anger and depression issues. I made a list of all the things I criticized about my wife, and it's unbelievable to me how negative I've been.
> 
> I also started working out again. Hopefully my sleep will fall in line now.


Good for you!


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## mr.mike

I met with a psychologist who specializes in anger and depression. He also does individual and marriage counseling. I'm going every week now to work on my issues. He didn't understand why my wife's psychologist didn't involve me in her treatment and progress. Also, my wife wouldn't talk to me about it either. She's going to find a new psychologist where she is now.

What kind of effect will ignoring Valentine's day in two weeks and our anniversary the next month likely have on her? She loves holidays and gifts even more than most women, and she's gotten extremely upset and cried in the past if I didn't plan something perfect or I was late in celebrating. How do you think someone like this would react if I didn't even acknowledge those dates? Would it push her away even more and make her feel more justified in leaving, or would it just sadden her and make her see what she's missing? Should I completely ignore those dates?


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## happyman64

No. Send her a get well card. Tel her you are working on yourself and you hope she is doing the same. No more and no less.o
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mr.mike

I don't think I will acknowledge those dates. My wife has contacted me everyday since she left by phone and text to first say she's sorry she hurt me, then she got a flu shot on our insurance, then she sent me signed paperwork for her car, and now she wants to know what to answer to a mutual friend's text. And she starts crying at some point during our conversations. I stay calm and listen to her, and I tell her I'll do whatever will make her happy. Should I just stop responding?


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## happyman64

Would that make you feel better? Not communicating with her.

Or would it make you feel worse?


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## mr.mike

It would probably make me feel worse not responding to her. But, we agreed that we shouldn't talk now, yet she's still found a reason to everyday. If anything I'll keep our conversations calm and to the point. I won't discuss the relationship unless she does. I just don't want her making herself feel better about her decision by thinking that I don't hate her because I keep answering nicely. Maybe that's what she fears and is why she keeps contacting me.


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## happyman64

Maybe you should focus on why you hate her.

Or at least address that anger.

I think you are doing great so far.

Use this time to make you better.....


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## mr.mike

I didn't mean that I hate her. I don't. I love her. I meant that she might keep calling just to make sure that I don't hate her for leaving me. She's trying to comfort herself and relieve her guilt by checking on me.


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## happyman64

mr.mike said:


> I didn't mean that I hate her. I don't. I love her. I meant that she might keep calling just to make sure that I don't hate her for leaving me. She's trying to comfort herself and relieve her guilt by checking on me.


Maybe true. She could also genuinely concerned for you.

The key now is to focus on you.

You cannot control her. Only yourself.


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## mr.mike

I haven't heard from her in 5 days. I saw my therapist again, and he suggested sending her a card or email just to let her know what's going on with me because otherwise she has no idea, especially while she's living 800 miles away. But, he said our therapy isn't about reconciling. We're working on a process to improve my way of thinking and make more positive choices while controlling my anger and depressed thoughts. 

As you suggested, I was thinking of sending her a card saying that I'm working on myself, and I hope she's taking care of herself. I don't know if it will help, but at least I'm trying something.


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## happyman64

Mike



> But, he said our therapy isn't about reconciling. We're working on a process to improve my way of thinking and make more positive choices while controlling my anger and depressed thoughts.


Your therapist is on the money.

And if you want to reach out to her to let her know you are ok and your therapy is going well. Fine.

But do not reach out to her to reconcile. Or pressure her.

Do it because you are bettering yourself.....

HM64


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## mr.mike

My wife called me this morning to check on me, so I suppose I'll forget about sending the card now. She was happy to hear that I'm going to a therapist and working on myself. She's doing the same with a new therapist. She sounded sad and cried a couple times. I told her that I'm going to continue to improve myself, and she said that she's proud of me. But, she thought I was happy because she's gone now. I told her that's not true, and that I'm learning to be happier with myself as I fix my issues. I think she understood. We didn't talk about our relationship.


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## happyman64

That's it Mike.

I think it god she reached out. I truly think she misses you.

I am glad you communicated to her that you are working on your issues.

But most of all I think you made a clear point by not bringing up your marriage.

Wanna know why? Because it takes two to work on a marriage. And since she left you cannot work on it so why discuss it.

There is nothing to discuss but you both addressing your issues.

And becoming a whole, apply person for he future.

BT letting her know you are sad and miss her is fine. It's the truth. But working in you should be the aim focus.


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## mr.mike

Here's an update on my situation.

I have been seeing a therapist every week for the past month, which has really helped me deal with my issues and also see my relationship with my wife from a new perspective. 

I have also been in contact with my wife at least twice a week since she left. She initiated most of the contact, including texting me "happy Valentine's day" and calling me once a week. But, while she says that she's still in love with me, she doesn't want to work on our marriage or return to this environment. She's planning to stay where she is and find a job, and she asked me for money and a TV in the meantime since she's broke. She says that she can forgive but not forget all the times I've hurt her. She wants her dream of a perfect marriage, house, ring, wedding and in-laws, and she doesn't think she will ever have that with me after trying for 3 years. 

My wife is planning to come here this weekend to meet with my therapist, but she says that it's not for marriage counseling. Her reasoning for the visit is to tell my therapist her side of the story and give me closure. She doesn't plan to return for more counseling. Also, she requested that I take her to her favorite restaurants and ice cream parlor while she's here. I really don't know what to think. She keeps in contact, cries a lot of the time, says she loves me but won't work on our marriage, says she's moving on but hasn't mentioned divorce, and she keeps asking me for things.

What should I make of all this?


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## happyman64

I think you should put your foot down.

She left you!

If she does not want to work on the marriage then why is she visiting you? Why is she meeting your IC??

And if she is done she needs to get a job and her own money. She walked remember.

She fired you!

I know you want her back. But if she is not with you there is no marriage to work on.

Keep focusing on you. You sound much better by the way.


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## mr.mike

I understand what you're saying and agree. I guess part of me doesn't believe what she says completely. I don't know why she would want to come and stay here for few days, while revisiting our happiest places with me, unless she was interested in reconciling. She already told me what was wrong with our marriage, and I relaid the message to my therapist, so there's nothing new for her to say. She wants to come here, but from what she says it could be any time that works and it's only for closure part II.

My wife is very spoiled and probably doesn't know any better. She is childish in many ways. But, I do feel used if she has no intention of reconciling and keeps asking me for things. I did tell my therapist about her wanting money and the TV. He thinks she wants everyone and everything to change for her without making positive changes herself, and nothing has changed for her except her geography.

I am considering canceling her flight here.


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## 28down

Sounds like you need to work on yourself and improve you! Make her miss you, don't run back. Let her see what she is missing, only if you change will she want you. But do it for you!


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## Married in VA

If she wants money, then she can file for divorce and ask for alimony since she left. My bet is she won't get it or if she does it won't be much for long. I would recommend no money or anything for her. She walked out on you so she needs to feel the FULL EFFECT of her decision. You supporting her does not allow her to feel those consequences. She gets to go on in her "happy go lucky" mindset and you set a legal precedent for future court proceedings. 

I am not in favor of divorce unless adultery happened. Since she left, she needs a plan to take care of herself. She should not get the benefits of a husband while you don't get the benefits of a wife.


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## mr.mike

28down said:


> Sounds like you need to work on yourself and improve you! Make her miss you, don't run back. Let her see what she is missing, only if you change will she want you. But do it for you!


I am working on myself. That's why I've been going to a therapist for over month, and I will continue to do so whether we get back together or not. She already made it clear that she doesn't want me, yet she's been the one initiating most of our contact.


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## mr.mike

Married in VA said:


> If she wants money, then she can file for divorce and ask for alimony since she left. My bet is she won't get it or if she does it won't be much for long. I would recommend no money or anything for her. She walked out on you so she needs to feel the FULL EFFECT of her decision. You supporting her does not allow her to feel those consequences. She gets to go on in her "happy go lucky" mindset and you set a legal precedent for future court proceedings.
> 
> I am not in favor of divorce unless adultery happened. Since she left, she needs a plan to take care of herself. She should not get the benefits of a husband while you don't get the benefits of a wife.


I'm not going to send her more money. I only gave her money because she was crying about not having anything this week. She has job training lined up where she's staying next week anyway.


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## happyman64

If you do not need closure Part II then do not agree to it.

Especially if you are paying for it.

Focus on you.


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## mr.mike

I spoke to my wife about her intentions for visiting and also to my therapist, and I decided not to cancel her trip here. She visited for 3 days. 

At first, she acted more like a friend and distant. She also wasn't wearing her ring. We went to dinner and discussed a lot of the same problems with our relationship that we already have, and the progress that we've both made. She told me that she hasn't changed her mind about us. I told her that I wouldn't support her financially if she wasn't going to try to work things out, which she thought was fair. After dinner we came home, and she set up her own bed in another bedroom. She wanted to go out to dance, so we went to a club. We had a great time and danced all night together. When we got home, we were all over each other and she ended up in my bed, where she slept each night the rest of her trip. 

The next 2 days were good, and it mostly felt like we were a couple again. We kissed a lot and said that we love each other. She cooked for me, I cooked for her, and we went grocery shopping together and to our favorite restaurants. But, she would drop comments about me finding someone with more similar interests, and her not considering marriage again unless she got the perfect ring and wedding. She also talked about getting a job and starting over.

At the therapist, she cried and repeated mostly what she had told me about our problems, which I had already told my therapist. He asked why she hadn't included me in her therapy, and she gave the same excuse that she thought I didn't believe in it, but that she should have included me. She does think I will change for the better, and that I already have, but she doesn't think that it matters since we're incompatible and our personalities don't mix. She can't forget how I criticized her, tried to change her and didn't stand up for her enough. And she wants nothing to do with my family. My therapist thinks she's playing a blame game, and until she thinks differently and stops blaming me or my family for all her unhappiness, it will be difficult to change her mind.

She hinted at coming back here in a month to see me without going to therapy. It's still confusing as hell to tell if she has actually made up her mind or not about us with all the mixed signals. She seems very confused too. I know she's selfish and immature, but I still love her. I will continue to take one day at a time and work on myself. I'll give our marriage some more time, but I may have to set a limit soon.


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## Mr Blunt

> My therapist thinks she's playing a blame game, and until she thinks differently and stops blaming me or my family for all her unhappiness, it will be difficult to change her mind.


*I think your therapist is right on the money!*

I know that you still love her but if you allow her to keep getting her threats (dancing, emotional support from you, etc) then you are an enabler of her confusion and manipulations (Conscieously or subconsciensouly) . *Ask your therapist if he would recommend that you cut off all contact with her unless she gets therapy.*

She is confused and you cannot allow yourself to be emotionally upset by her confusion. In your state right now it seems like you may have to choose between you and her. If you choose her you both will go down. If you choose you and get stronger and she gets better with therapy then you can help her out of your excess strength.


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## happyman64

mr.mike said:


> I spoke to my wife about her intentions for visiting and also to my therapist, and I decided not to cancel her trip here. She visited for 3 days.
> 
> At first, she acted more like a friend and distant. She also wasn't wearing her ring. We went to dinner and discussed a lot of the same problems with our relationship that we already have, and the progress that we've both made. She told me that she hasn't changed her mind about us. I told her that I wouldn't support her financially if she wasn't going to try to work things out, which she thought was fair. After dinner we came home, and she set up her own bed in another bedroom. She wanted to go out to dance, so we went to a club. We had a great time and danced all night together. When we got home, we were all over each other and she ended up in my bed, where she slept each night the rest of her trip.
> 
> The next 2 days were good, and it mostly felt like we were a couple again. We kissed a lot and said that we love each other. She cooked for me, I cooked for her, and we went grocery shopping together and to our favorite restaurants. But, she would drop comments about me finding someone with more similar interests, and her not considering marriage again unless she got the perfect ring and wedding. She also talked about getting a job and starting over.
> 
> At the therapist, she cried and repeated mostly what she had told me about our problems, which I had already told my therapist. He asked why she hadn't included me in her therapy, and she gave the same excuse that she thought I didn't believe in it, but that she should have included me. She does think I will change for the better, and that I already have, but she doesn't think that it matters since we're incompatible and our personalities don't mix. She can't forget how I criticized her, tried to change her and didn't stand up for her enough. And she wants nothing to do with my family. My therapist thinks she's playing a blame game, and until she thinks differently and stops blaming me or my family for all her unhappiness, it will be difficult to change her mind.
> 
> She hinted at coming back here in a month to see me without going to therapy. It's still confusing as hell to tell if she has actually made up her mind or not about us with all the mixed signals. She seems very confused too. I know she's selfish and immature, but I still love her. I will continue to take one day at a time and work on myself. I'll give our marriage some more time, but I may have to set a limit soon.


I think that was a good update.

You can love your wife but you cannot control her.

And she is playing the blame game as well as making excuses why you two can no longer be married.

Set a date in your head as your time limit to move on.

And continue to work n you.

No matter what happens you will be fine. Make a plan in your mind to have the life you want. Whether your wife joins you or not........


HM64


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## Plan 9 from OS

OP, I skipped around in your thread, so if these questions were asked before, I apologize.

Was it a complete shock that when she left to go visit her family that she decided to not come back? Were there any clues leading up to it, or did this come from nowhere? Were all of the issues she brought up to you while she was at her families place legit or are a number of them exaggerated or not quite how you remembered them? Has she been in contact with any friends of hers from where she grew up prior to going in this last trip? Did she reconnect with an "old friend" online before leaving you?

Reading through your thread, my instincts tell me that there is someone else in her hometown that she may have reconnected with and then wanted to "test" the waters with to see if she can be happy in a new relationship. Did you ever check the phone records, FB page, or any other e-mail/social media sites to see if anyone started reconnecting with her before she left? I know everyone is focusing on your family dynamic and you, but I'm wondering if there isn't an outside influence that has caused this, which results in your wife rewriting marital history. 

Are the paragraphs that I wrote above sound like a possibility or not at all? Did you ever verify that everything was on the level when you first found out she wasn't coming back?


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## mr.mike

Plan 9 from OS said:


> OP, I skipped around in your thread, so if these questions were asked before, I apologize.
> 
> Was it a complete shock that when she left to go visit her family that she decided to not come back? Were there any clues leading up to it, or did this come from nowhere? Were all of the issues she brought up to you while she was at her families place legit or are a number of them exaggerated or not quite how you remembered them? Has she been in contact with any friends of hers from where she grew up prior to going in this last trip? Did she reconnect with an "old friend" online before leaving you?
> 
> Reading through your thread, my instincts tell me that there is someone else in her hometown that she may have reconnected with and then wanted to "test" the waters with to see if she can be happy in a new relationship. Did you ever check the phone records, FB page, or any other e-mail/social media sites to see if anyone started reconnecting with her before she left? I know everyone is focusing on your family dynamic and you, but I'm wondering if there isn't an outside influence that has caused this, which results in your wife rewriting marital history.
> 
> Are the paragraphs that I wrote above sound like a possibility or not at all? Did you ever verify that everything was on the level when you first found out she wasn't coming back?


I was shocked when my wife told me that she needed to have "the talk" because I realized how blind I had been to see our relationship declining. However, I knew she was becoming more distant and unhappy with me during her family visit. She had been extremely unhappy since moving here, which is why she was going to a therapist for months. I thought it was because of the tension between her and my family as well as living far away from her friends and family. When I asked her about her therapy, she didn't want to talk about it. We only had one talk just before she left for her family visit, when she finally told me I was in danger of losing her. She didn't elaborate on why I was losing her. I do think she exaggerates our issues, although I am guilty of criticism and controlling behavior, but that's normal for her to do.

As for her being involved with someone else, I don't think that's the case. There aren't any strange numbers on the phone bill, and she doesn't know many men since she was only in the country a year before I met her. I think that she's being honest about her feelings. Unfortunately, she waited until she had already made up her mind to leave to finally tell me.


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## mr.mike

Thanks for all the advice. I realize that I made emotional choices while she was here. She's manipulating me, whether she's aware of it or not, into getting what she wants. Her happiness depends on getting what she wants and taking as much as she can, and it always has. If she doesn't get her wants met, she will become angry and try to get her wants met that way. Her therapy obviously hasn't helped her with this problem.

I think it may be time to move on. Holding on to hope that she will change her mind isn't going to help me, and it will just leave me feeling used while prolonging the pain. We haven't been in contact since she left 9 days ago, and I don't plan to contact her. I can't change her mind, only she can. I can only control myself.

Do you think cutting all contact with her is my best option? Or will being "out of sight, out of mind" likely just make it easier for her to move on?


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## mr.mike

I'm not doing so well today. My wife and I haven't had much contact in 3 weeks, except for her calling me 3 times on my birthday last week and an email that she didn't get the jobs she applied for. Then she called me today to say she has a new phone and number. She's been asking if she's bothering me when she calls, and she questioned why I didn't answer her call earlier today when I called her back hours later. 

I know I need to let go. It's just a difficult day, especially knowing that she's pulling away more and more. Our anniversary is in 2 days, which makes it even harder. I'm trying to stay strong and continue to work on myself with the help of my therapist. I know things will get better.


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## Blue Firefly

I noticed in an earlier post you said: "I told her that I wouldn't support her financially if she wasn't going to try to work things out, which she thought was fair." Then, that very night, she was sleeping with you and started treating you nice (cooking, etc...). 

A couple of posts later you said: "She's manipulating me, whether she's aware of it or not, into getting what she wants. Her happiness depends on getting what she wants and taking as much as she can..."

In your last post you said she (1) didn't get that new job, (2) did get a new phone, and (3) is still pulling away from you.

Are you sending her money; are you supporting her financially in any way?


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## tom67

Stop sending money and file.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mr.mike

Blue Firefly said:


> I noticed in an earlier post you said: "I told her that I wouldn't support her financially if she wasn't going to try to work things out, which she thought was fair." Then, that very night, she was sleeping with you and started treating you nice (cooking, etc...).
> 
> A couple of posts later you said: "She's manipulating me, whether she's aware of it or not, into getting what she wants. Her happiness depends on getting what she wants and taking as much as she can..."
> 
> In your last post you said she (1) didn't get that new job, (2) did get a new phone, and (3) is still pulling away from you.
> 
> Are you sending her money; are you supporting her financially in any way?


I gave her money one time when she first left 2 months ago. When she visited 3 weeks ago, I told her that I wouldn't support her unless she would work on our marriage. Yes, we did end up sleeping together that night and acting like a couple. But she didn't change her mind about wanting to work things out. I haven't given her any more money. She was still on our phone plan until I cancelled it today.


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## happyman64

Mike

Good. Let her pay for her new phone and her own plan.

Start to detach. Your wife already has.

Keep focus on you.

Work on you.

HM64

And happy bday. I know you will be in a better place for your next one.


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## Thound

happyman64 said:


> Mike
> 
> Good. Let her pay for her new phone and her own plan.
> 
> Start to detach. Your wife already has.
> 
> Keep focus on you.
> 
> Work on you.
> 
> HM64
> 
> And happy bday. I know you will be in a better place for your next one.


THIS
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hope4family

mr.mike said:


> But, she would drop comments about me finding someone with more similar interests, and her not considering marriage again unless she got the perfect ring and wedding.


Reading this, saddens me that women think this way. I know we have a cheaters website. But I think we should create another website for "wont marry unless they get the perfect ring and wedding." 

Standards are great, goals even better. Holding out for the best man. Perfect. 

But that ring, that wedding, and that man who apparently gives you all you ask for. Doesn't exist. When he is right at your doorstep, you will resent him for giving you these things. Because they do not lead anywhere close to the path of personal happiness.


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## mr.mike

I'm feeling much better lately. My therapy has really helped me become a happier person. I've learned how to meet my needs through skill building and rethinking, which I will always be able to fall back on if I start to have angry or depressed thoughts. 

I don't think about my wife as much. I haven't contacted her in 3 weeks since I emailed her on our anniversary to say that I was thinking of her and working on myself, and hopefully she's doing the same. She replied with "I'm glad that you remember this year. Just because I'm not there right?!!!! I'm doing well trying my maximum to be happy and be myself. Happy anniversary! Love mrs.mike". 

My wife texted me a picture the following week of herself with her sister and visiting brother, which was 2 weeks ago. No contact since then, which I plan to continue. Even if she did want to reconcile, it would take a lot of work and therapy for me to want her back.

I will set a date soon for taking the next step and filing.


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## happyman64

Good post Mike.

I am glad you are taking the time to work on you.

You decide what the next step is when the time is right.

Keep posting.


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## mr.mike

I wrote a lengthy letter to my wife about where I am now, what I've learned in therapy, how I could make things better between us, and my feelings about how she left and her blaming me for it. I also wrote that if she still won't consider reconciling, I'm going to take the next step to move on. I didn't send the letter and wasn't planning to. I just wanted to get my thoughts on paper. Does it ever help to send a letter like this? Or would it only be advisable if she was already contacting me about reconciling?


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## happyman64

mr.mike said:


> I wrote a lengthy letter to my wife about where I am now, what I've learned in therapy, how I could make things better between us, and my feelings about how she left and her blaming me for it. I also wrote that if she still won't consider reconciling, I'm going to take the next step to move on. I didn't send the letter and wasn't planning to. I just wanted to get my thoughts on paper. Does it ever help to send a letter like this? Or would it only be advisable if she was already contacting me about reconciling?


Mike

Very rarely as in almost never does a letter work to bring a spouse back home.

And your wife is not even near you where you could meet with her for a few minutes to talk.

I would hold the letter.

You can always talk if she comes back to visit but in all honesty I think you need to focus on you and what is best for you and your future.

Glad you posted.

HM64


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## mr.mike

Update - My therapy rethinking and skill building process that my therapist was teaching me is complete, but I'm still going every couple weeks to make sure it sticks while discussing my other issues. I haven't spoken to my wife in over a month. We only exchanged a couple texts, where she sent me pictures of her and her family. It's been almost 3 weeks with no contact. I didn't send her that letter either.

I know the 180, and I have tried to stick to it. I also know that it's for myself and not to win her back. But, if my wife complained of being neglected during our marriage, is staying dark with only her initiating contact the best tactic? My therapist suggested going to visit my friends and family near where she is, and see if she will meet to discuss our future or lack thereof. Otherwise, with no contact there won't be any change from where we're at now, and she won't see that I've changed for the better. My therapist also doesn't think I should just file without warning, which will most likely cut off any chance of reconciling. I was thinking of calling her to see if she still feels the same way about our marriage, and if so, then telling her that I need to file to move on. Or should I just stay dark while focusing on myself?


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## mr.mike

No contact is rough. I find myself getting more emotional the last few days. I guess it's finally sinking in that she's gone for good. Hopefully the pain will subside soon. I have felt this pain before. I tried no contact for 4 months with my first love 11 years ago, and then she decided that although she still had feelings for me she felt anger and didn't want any chance of romance with me again. I was crushed then, and I lived with regret for a long time. That's probably why I question going NC now. 

I know that I'm stronger than I used to be. I'm really glad that I now have faith in myself to meet my needs and be happy.


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