# I made a mistake and Ive never felt so alone. Please help me.



## LostinLove13 (Mar 28, 2010)

First of all I would like to say. I am sure the way I am going to seem to all of you. So please, I understand I was wrong and I'm seriously looking for advice not criticism. To start off my husband and I have been together almost five years married a little less than one. We have been in a less than perfect relationship the whole time we have been together. His family hates me won't have anything to do with my me or my five year old son. I feel like he doesn't stand up for me to them. And, so on. Details later if needed. Well regardless, this is where i messed up. I have had this friend, J, who has been my friend since we were very young children. I talked to him actively about H and I for the entire time we have been together. I have slept with J, three times. One before I was married and two times since. H asked me to leave and we got in a fight a couple weeks ago. That night I ended up, which was a huge mistake with J. We had intercourse. He did not come close to ejeculating inside me. I went back home and two days later had sex with H that day (I was ovulating) and the day after. H ejaculates both times in me. I took the morning after pill and guess what, it didn't work!. Knowing our past H asked me if I would be mad about a paternity test. And I said of course not!. We found a doctor in Chicago and I am acutally going to get the paternity test while the baby is still in the womb around the middle of May. Now, the odds are the baby is my H's but you never know. My question is, do I tell him now? Knowing him, my life will be a living hell and he will resent me and my five year old and things will be terrible. Now, what I didnt tell you was I moved out and got my own house because of the problems we were having and the first night I was there is when I realized my period was late and took a test, it was positive. I broke my lease the next day and moved in with H. Please someone, do you have any experience I desperately need someone to talk to.


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## LuckyCharmH (Jan 4, 2010)

you must tell your husband, it is better than finding out in his own. you cant hide anything too long. at least of you tell him everything and be honest you can work things out. if he find out by himself its a huge problem.
you must tell him as soon as possible.


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

LuckyCharm is right, you'll need to tell your husband about sleeping with your friend, however there are some things to consider first. You leave out so much in your post - so much is said between the lines:

1) _Why did you marry him in the first place_?

2) Why does his family hate you?

3) Are you aware of the damage that being in this sort of relationship does to your son?

4) Is your son also 'J's' son?

You make a peculiar statement: "...Knowing our past H asked me if I would be mad about a paternity test. And I said of course not!...."

5) Who is the 'our' in 'our past'? (Do you mean 'Knowing _my_ past? )

6) What would prompt your husband do ask for a paternity test, especially since you have been married for a year? 

7) You moved out of your house because of a fight with your husband. Was there violence involved?

8) If not, what was the justification for separating.

9) Why, if there was justification for separating, would you then move back once you discovered you were pregnant?

Affairs never happen in a vacuum, and your post reflects that there have been troubles in your marriage that have created a distance between you and your husband. While an affair is wrong, it is also worth mentioning that unless these problems are eradicated and the damage repaired, your marriage cannot last.

Two final questions:

10) Do you want to save your marriage?

11) What are you willing to do to save it? 

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## LostinLove13 (Mar 28, 2010)

The reason I married my husband in the first place was in efforts that our relationship would improve. The family has only met me two times the reason they hate me is because he lived next door to them for years and they controlled his every move until he moved in with me. I am aware of the damage it can cause to my child. We were going to seek family counseling before this all happened. My son's father is not J. He is not in the picture at all. My husband asked for paternity because of the one time I slept with J before we were married I admitted it to him. We seperated because there is verbal abuse in our relationship that i cant stand around my son. He always promises it is going to change. I want to save my marriage. I am willing to do anything to save it. We need professional help. I just don't want to tell my husband before the paternity test at 11 weeks because it could cause a whole lot of havock for my five year old son, if I do. It is only six weeks from now. I just dont know.


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

> The reason I married my husband in the first place was in efforts that our relationship would improve.


I suspected this. While this is not a good reason to marry, it does not negate the fact that you are married now. However, I'd suggest you rethink that strategy - it seems to me that you just repeated it recently - you moved BACK into a home where you say there is verbal abuse because you found out that you were pregnant. I suspect this was because you have some sort of belief that this may be the thing that 'fixes' a broken marriage. 

This tactic _cannot work_, because the actual _problem_ is not being addressed. Instead, you hope that changing the parameters will make the problem go away. What really makes the problem go away is directly working on it, solving it.



> The family has only met me two times the reason they hate me is because he lived next door to them for years and they controlled his every move until he moved in with me.


How does this mean they hate you? Seems to me it would simply mean that they try to control him - there's no reason listed here for them to hate you.



> I am aware of the damage it can cause to my child. We were going to seek family counseling before this all happened.


I'm still confused (I'm also sorry - I really want to help you, but there is so much that isn't clear - its hard to give any advice or suggestion without understanding.) You said that you moved out because of a fight. I assume (although I would really appreciate being corrected!) that there had been some danger in you staying. Either that - or your husband asked you to leave. 

And you say you are aware of what this does to a child. _Yet you moved back in!_ If indeed there is abuse, any exposure your child has to that is both damaging - and it teaches him how men treat women - do you really want him to think that men verbally abuse women? 

If this is the problem - or at least one of the troubles (is alcohol or drugs also involved?) then your primary responsibility is to protect your son - both to keep him safe, and to keep him from learning such a bad trait. Note - his age is one where he is rapidly learning most of what he will use for the rest of his life!



> My son's father is not J. He is not in the picture at all. My husband asked for paternity because of the one time I slept with J before we were married I admitted it to him.


Again, this is still confusing. For one thing - unless your husband is unaware of how gestation works, there is more to this story than meets the eye. It is impossible a pregnancy to occur several months after the activity which causes pregnancy. 

Why would your husband demand a paternity test - many months after an affair to which you admitted? 



> We seperated because there is verbal abuse in our relationship that i cant stand around my son.


Yet you moved back in. Why?



> He always promises it is going to change.


If abuse is the issue causing trouble in your marriage then you have some work ahead of you - and there are effective ways to deal with this. 

One of the things that occurs in an abusive relationship is that BOTH partners are involved. It's like a dance. You'll have an affair, he'll get angry, you'll give in to more strange controlling behaviors - and on and on. Unless you get off the dance floor, it will continue, endlessly circling and repeating.



> I want to save my marriage. I am willing to do anything to save it. We need professional help.


Everything you can do to fix your marriage is already laid out. There are steps to take, things to work on. And the very first thing to do is to protect yourself from further abuse. Period. When you are safe, THEN you begin to work on your marriage. As long as your spouse is an abuser, you will never have a healthy relationship. He must stop. BUT! You must also stop dancing. 

For one thing, quit having affairs.



> I just don't want to tell my husband before the paternity test at 11 weeks because it could cause a whole lot of havock for my five year old son, if I do. It is only six weeks from now. I just dont know.


Don't you suppose moving out, then moving back in, the yelling, the fear, etc., aren't already causing havoc? What's happening _now_ is damaging your son. 

If there truly is danger to you - I'd suggest moving again - this time on a semi-permanent basis, with the clear understanding (expressed in writing to your husband) that you will be glad to move back - as soon as he shows you that he no longer operates as an abuser - that after an extended period of time, in which he works on himself, and shows you through his actions - not through empty promises - that he has changed, THEN you'll consider reuniting. 
_
If there is abuse_ (I am not convinced of it yet) it needs to end before _any _work can be done on your marriage. 
*
Here's a website you should REALLY check out.*

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