# Some advice



## Deefa (Nov 12, 2015)

Hi all,
I've been reading the posts on this forum for over 2 years now and posted some time ago under a different username of which I can't remember! At one stage I think I was reading posts every day trying to note advice and find an answer. I had gotten to the stage where my wife and I had sex approximately once or twice a year for over 5 years and it felt like a major struggle. I like to think I have read most of the books suggested, trawled hundreds of websites, took notes, tried everything I can think of - holding back, focusing on other things, revisiting my hobbies, doing more housework, trying to put her first, trying to put me first, helping with the kids, staying away, staying more at home. I can't explain or remember the hundreds of things that I tried. 

Anyhow, I got a counsellor, a relationship counsellor and looking back it was incredible to see what she was doing, trying to find out what I had tried, and giving me targets to achieve each week. I had a lot of confidence in her because she certainly seemed to know what she was doing. Anyway after trying lots of things she told me just to tell my wife when I needed a hug, when I needed a kiss. Once that physical touch came back things started to change almost immediately and unexpectedly. Just asking and letting my wife know meant that she would start hugging and kissing me which she would never initiate for I would guess over 5 years. Getting something back just made all the difference and made me want to go to town writing little notes, creating boxes of things to help her through a working day, writing texts and calling her through the working day. So it's only been a few months like this so I guess that isn't a firm confirmation but we have had sex once or twice a week over that time. 

It's so, so difficult when you are trying to be close but you keep getting rejected, when you don't feel that rejection things are so much more impulsive and yes I had to go through a phase of not expecting anything back which is hard but much shorter than I was expecting it to take. I've been trying to analyse whether it's something else but I do think it comes back to just asking for closeness then everything else follows. We had the talks, so many of them, she would get angry - don't talk about lack of sex and closeness just tell your other half when you need something. When all the intimacy and closeness comes back - even if just a little, it's amazing how it doesn't affect you through the day, stops things being on your mind and it's so much more natural.

I hope this is useful to someone. I've taken so much advice and tried things on this forum which has certainly helped me work out what I needed to do to solve it all.

I don't want to make a huge post as writing everything that has happened would just be huge - I literally tried everything. 

Good luck and obviously ask if any of the above doesn't make sense!


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

I'm curious--what was at the root of your wife's reluctance for sex? Did you ever find out?


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Deefa said:


> ....I had gotten to the stage where my wife and I had sex approximately once or twice a year for over 5 years and it felt like a major struggle.
> 
> ...Anyhow, I got a counsellor, a relationship counsellor and looking back it was incredible to see what she was doing, trying to find out what I had tried, and giving me targets to achieve each week. I had a lot of confidence in her because she certainly seemed to know what she was doing. Anyway after trying lots of things she told me just to tell my wife when I needed a hug, when I needed a kiss....
> 
> ...


One of the books that helped me in my SSM was Sue Johnson's Hold Me Tight. It explains the importance of touch and how touch is a form of communication among people. If you haven't read it, I think it will help you and your W put some of the pieces together. To flourish people need touch each and every day.

Good marriage counselors can be a great help. Congratulations on finding one and following through by doing what needed to be done.

One of the things you did was to separate touch/closeness from sex in the mind of your wife. Asking for a hug or a kiss is not the same as asking for or complaining about a lack of sex. Great job. That gave her emotional space and shelter.

You did enough different things that you probably covered your wife's major and minor love languages with your actions (Chapmans 5LL) so that she felt loved and cherished.

When you say you "...I had to go through a phase of not expecting anything back.." I hear you saying two things. First you dropped all the "covert contracts" that Gover talks about his book NMMNG and second you found the seductive power of exposing someone (your W) to unconditional love. 

Congratulations on the end of your SSM. Based on my SSM recovery, you will need to continue to provide unconditional love and make your W feel cherished each and every day in her love languages, probably for the rest of your life. Still you know what it was like when you were in an SSM and so it is probably a course of action for your future.

Also, if you are anything like me, you will have deep emotional scars from you SSM for a long time. You will fear your wife will backslid back into an SSM. She probably doesn't want that any more than you do, but it will be a fear that you will need to learn to confront and put behind you as you continue to provide her with unconditional love. That was my hardest challenge.

My other advice to you is to do something very special with your W to celebrate your "new or renewed" marriage. Go on a second honeymoon. buy her a special piece of jewelry with meaning, get a discrete tattoo, buy a new marriage bed, do something that will make positive memories for her and you and symbolize that you are now a special loving couple again.

Again, congratulations! Keep up the good work.

P.S. One of the things that my wife and I did after we started going to a sex therapist was to attend a Gottman Institute couples weekend workshop. It really helped a lot and brought us together in other ways. One of the things that I think you would particularly benefit from is the daily ritual the Gottmans recommend to couples. It is called the 5 Magic Hours a week in the following article taken from the Gottman approach.

http://www.artofmanliness.com/2009/07/08/diy-marriage-counseling/


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## Deefa (Nov 12, 2015)

Fozzy said:


> I'm curious--what was at the root of your wife's reluctance for sex? Did you ever find out?


Hi Fozzy. Actually never asked I guess we might end up in that conversation but I would say thay she probably resented my advances when we had little connection. But it's difficult when you aren't getting physical touch you inevitably think of sex with your wife and although you try not to show that rejections are not affecting my wife could tell. I felt I was doing more to be romantic and connected and I was but I was adding in not being naturally how I am which confused her and didn't help I think. I tried standing back, being more confident but she just needed me to ask her for things that we both needed to build up the connection. What I thought was good taking her out for date nights and everything else was moving my mind to sex but really having a hug or just a kiss and knowing that it would make me fall for her again was something I had not expected and gave me more fulfillment than I thought it would do. Our communication is better now so I'm sure she will tell me but with my wife she will tell me randomly at some unexpected time.


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## Deefa (Nov 12, 2015)

Young at Heart said:


> Deefa said:
> 
> 
> > ....I had gotten to the stage where my wife and I had sex approximately once or twice a year for over 5 years and it felt like a major struggle.
> ...


Ok thanks for that will definitely try that. Yes keeping the improvements going is definitely going to be key to ensure we dont slide back but it is so much easier when it feels two way again. So micj easier and enjoyable to do those little notes and things. Thanks for.all the tips. Fingers crossed the next few months bring the same. Thanks Young At Heart.


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