# The problems of 'sharing' partners - lower risk alternatives?



## couple (Nov 6, 2010)

There have been a lot of posts here about whether to share partners or not and about couples with problems due to one partner being more into the idea and just generally about the risks and problems caused by this. Clearly many people (including us) have an interest and fantasy in this but don't want to go through with it in real life or are very unsure and nervous about it. The risks and problems with doing this have been covered in many threads here.

Has anyone used webcam sex as an alternative to real time sharing? To avoid misunderstanding, by webcam sex I mean doing sexual things with your partner while another couple(s) are watching and/or also doing sexual things with each other at the same time while watching over the webcam. I believe most people keep this anonymous and there are services that allow anonymity. 

Is this a lower risk way to 'dabble' in sharing? What are people's experiences with this - both good and bad? What are the risks? It would seem to be low risk (safety of one's own home, no physical contact, can switch off at any point, etc).

My main concern is with my partner. Sex is complicated and I think it would be easy for her to be turned on by this but maybe easily turned off if something wasn't quite right. I would also want to make sure that it was only something done together. I would never pressure her into it.

thank you


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

And when that stops being fulfilling and exciting, what is next?
It is a slippery slope and bargaining for an easy entry to this is a way to make it seem ok. But it will lead you to more. And that will put additional strain on your relationship.


It just seems like manipulation to me. See honey, all safe, anonymous. I will be satisfied and that will make me happy to have sex,with only you for the rest of my life. Until I get bored with this, that is.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

My GF and I are considering using a webcam with another person or couple... A lower risk step into same room sex, I think. Curious what the replies in here will be.

She's been an exhibitionist and into this type of idea from the start of the relationship. I'm getting more into it... Going to a sex club has been a fantasy of mine for awhile, but I'm not as "bad" as she is. . But again, she's a GF, not a wife... I have much less to lose.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

What does that say? You don't mind experimenting with her because she isn't the marrying kind? Or would consider marrying someone who would be into other people?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

ClipClop said:


> What does that say? You don't mind experimenting with her because she isn't the marrying kind? Or would consider marrying someone who would be into other people?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Actually Clip pbear makes a lot of sense to me. It may not be a matter of judgement so much as a realistic assessment of risk.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

I guess my point is, does she know you don't mind the risk of it not going well and breaking up with her over it? A lot of women would feel used rather than loved. It is realistic, but it also seems hurtful.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

If I'm going to experiment, I'd rather it was in a relationship like this, especially since I don't know for sure how I'd react. I'm PRETTY sure I'll be ok with it, or I wouldn't be seriously considering it at all. I know she's much more important to me than one night of fun, and I'm very comfortable she feels the same about me. But I'd much rather risk a 3 month relationship where I'm not even living with the other person, much less with kids or alimony or all the rest.

In any case... We both realize that there ARE risks involved in bringing someone else into the relationship. And we are in full agreement that either of us is able to pull the plug whenever we want to, and communication is key.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

Did you explain that she is someone you are willing to risk?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

That specifically has not been discussed, for a number of reasons.

First, we've only been seeing each other for 3 months. And both of us started with the understanding that our relationship was casual.

Second, as I mentioned, both of us understand that there are risks to bringing someone else into the relationship, even for a one-time thing. That HAS been clearly discussed. To me, that covers the fact that we are risking the relationship to make this happen, no matter how small that risk is. 

Finally, we are both taking this quite seriously. It's been talked about since the early part of our relationship, even as the feelings have grown. 

But thank you! I appreciate your concern.

C


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## kashi (Jun 6, 2011)

To come back to the original post... I have had experiences with the webcam... meaning me stripping on webcam with my husband and a friend watching. It was very exciting at the time, especially for my husband... but full of guilt and regret afterward. The line between right and wrong in that kind of situation is very very thin. Maybe it's a little different because I was the only one exposing myself... my husband just watched.


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## Edge (Mar 30, 2011)

I can't imagine sharing my wife with anyone.


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## Married&Confused (Jan 19, 2011)

if you don't mind it being shared all over the internet, what you do is your business.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

kashi said:


> To come back to the original post... I have had experiences with the webcam... meaning me stripping on webcam with my husband and a friend watching. It was very exciting at the time, especially for my husband... but full of guilt and regret afterward. The line between right and wrong in that kind of situation is very very thin. Maybe it's a little different because I was the only one exposing myself... my husband just watched.


To me, this illustrates another point of this. There is always the risk that the wife would be ashamed to know that her fantasies go past her husband, but may tentatively discuss it because he keeps pushing. A close friend almost lost his wife over this. This guy and I had been friends for years, but we thought his recent behavior change was maybe midlife or something.

Prior to my move away from one work location, I noticed that my friend was always bringing the talk back to the topic of whether I thought his wife was attractive. She was attractive, but I really didn't think of her THAT way, so I just kept trying to change the subject. Even mentioned it to my wife.

After moving, they found out that I was still going back to their town regularly, but staying in a hotel. My friend said I should stay with them some, and my wife was sure that her friend was okay with it. Keep in mind that a year had passed since he had last brought up any awkward discussions. One night, he said that he liked it when they talk about fantasies together while having sex. I was shocked, but he said that I was sometimes the focus of her part of the fantasy (hey, we had camped together and he and I had to share the same public restroom, so nothing was secret).

I told him firmly that this was not something that I wanted to discuss anymore, and even declined when he reminded me that I hadn't gotten my stuff out of my car. This guy had worked himself up, though. When she came into the room, I was planning my escape, but he told her that maybe we should discuss me having sex with her. Just blurted it.

I bailed. She burst into tears. I wanted to ... do bodily harm for the hurt that he had caused her, plus the assumption he made about me. Later, though, after I told my wife about it from the hotel room, she called his wife and he apparently realized what he was about to get into and changed his tune fast. They reconciled after a short separation. We stick to post cards nowadays.

Just my take on it: think before acting and standing on the precipice of divorce. Although I respect those who knowingly go into it together, it has to be something that uses no coercion or ulterior motives, along with the full knowledge of what it will feel like knowing that someone is sharing a part of your wife that you might later come to regret.

I really don't know how one would get to the point of being confident that he wasn't pressuring. It would help if she first brought it up on her own, and didn't just agree.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Exhibitionism - was great fun in the past before marriage

I've even discussed sharing with the missus in the past, even told her to do it, but by the time I met her, she was already pretty much done with her sexual adventures, and prefers one on one, and feels hurt when I want to ***** her out. Exhibitionism is something else, you can show off your car but doesn't meet you let them drive it.

It's a safer alternative


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

I believe it's a very bad idea.

The pornification of society has led many people to believe they need more, more and even more in order to be satisfied, when in reality the more you feed this, the more you need and nothing is satisfying enough.

Instead people should focus on their partners and use their own imaginations. This will lead to a much more satisfying sex life. It never strengthens the bonds between two people when you add a third or fourth.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

The problem is no one takes their vows seriously anymore. If so, they wouldn't even consider sharing. To many people speak out of both sides of their mouth. "I love my spouse so much, but, but, I want some of that over there too!" Well of course you do.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I always wanted to have sex in public with my wife, but she wasn't never down with that.


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## couple (Nov 6, 2010)

Thanks for the replies. This is not about whether to share or not but about exhibitionism (having sex over a webcam and/or watching other couples have sex - or strip - or do sexy things. Probably my fault for linking this with sharing. I'm still interested in other's experience with this - both good and bad.

I don't agree that doing some adventurous things will lead to complete 'perversion' and breakdown of all limits. Everyone has limits and these change over time. I don't believe that one thing leads to another and wanting more and more until someone ends up in jail or dead!


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

There was once that I was ramming the missus in a pool and a bloke was up on the balcony cheering us on with his beer on one hand and probably his... on the other... heh

Good times


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

couple said:


> Thanks for the replies. This is not about whether to share or not but about exhibitionism (having sex over a webcam and/or watching other couples have sex - or strip - or do sexy things. Probably my fault for linking this with sharing. I'm still interested in other's experience with this - both good and bad.
> 
> I don't agree that doing some adventurous things will lead to complete 'perversion' and breakdown of all limits. Everyone has limits and these change over time. I don't believe that one thing leads to another and wanting more and more until someone ends up in jail or dead!


I didn't see mention of jail or someone being dead.:scratchhead:

Just because it's not in person , doesn't mean you aren't sharing intimate things with others or seeing intimate things that should only be between the two of you.

The people on the other web cam are real people, and so are you guys, in the same room or not you are letting people into your marriage. You are allready seeking others to satisfy your selves, and when does it end?


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I think it is a real bad idea for a women to do anything that has the remotest possibility of being recorded and passed around, including cams. Cam feeds can be recorded and i would not trust the sites offering the service. I think the women in these situations assume 90% of the risk and most women realize that. The recent scandals of sex tapes being released by an ex should convince any women with a bit of sense not to do anything that compromises their dignity. 

The creep who releases the tape is never criticized for exposing a private recording and betraying trust. But the women has private tapes passed around on the internet for all to see including children. In all fairness the person releasing the tapes should be subjected to prosecution and the porn sites accepting these tapes should be shut down. I think that will happen eventually as more women are effected. 

Why would a woman do this. To please a man who is constantly at her about it. I agree that it is very possible that porn creates this obsession and subtle coercion makes women go along with it. 

From what I have read, it is rare that the female partner brings this fantasy up. It's usually the male who pushes. I think it may be like the fog of cheating - it seems like a good idea until the fog dissipates and then the women is shamed and the husband thinks badly of her because she did it. There are a few female poster who describe this happening. It seems to come up years latter but it does come up. 

My advice to women is never do it - the fantasy may be exciting but the risks overwhelmingly effect the woman not the man. No relationship is worth the lifelong shame and regret.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## couple (Nov 6, 2010)

Catherine, you bring up a good point about privacy. I do believe it is possible to engage in this while protecting your identity (not showing face or whatever). And your point about an ex (or current for that matter) passing feeds around is valid not just for cam play but for 'privately' made sexy pics and videos. I think that MANY couples have already done this to some degree so the cat's already out of the bag on that.

Syrum...clearly i was exaggerating! I'm sorry but I just don't understand the position that one should not try new things because it will lead to ruin through perversion. Perhaps if you have an addictive personality this is true but it's like drinking. Most people drink without falling into alcoholism and while some people probably avoid ever taking a drink for fear of this, most are not so paranoid. 

For Catherine's point about this almost always being the man's idea, this is probably true. However, as long as the woman willingly agrees, being the man's idea is not a bad thing (men and women are still different no matter how we try to convince ourselves otherwise). Anyway, my wife has had fantasies/wishes to go to a live sex show and she has had some interest in watching people have sex in porn. Semi-public sex (e.g. in a car where there is a chance of being seen etc) has also been an interest of hers and of many women so I believe the underlying interest is often there in women even if the 'vehicle' of acting it out (the web cam) is usually the man's idea. Men are often more technology savvy and they also tend to explore 'adult' areas of the internet more often so they are more aware of such things.

I agree that this is not an entirely risk free activity which is why i raised it as a discussion here. But I strongly believe that many women and men have exhibitionist and voyeuristic fantasies so I'm interested in this as a safer way to explore this aspect of sexuality.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

couple said:


> Syrum...clearly i was exaggerating! I'm sorry but I just don't understand the position that one should not try new things because it will lead to ruin through perversion. Perhaps if you have an addictive personality this is true but it's like drinking. Most people drink without falling into alcoholism and while some people probably avoid ever taking a drink for fear of this, most are not so paranoid.


Apples and oranges.

Let's stick to apples. I have studied a lot on this subject and do know that many people, once they involve third parties, porn, web cams etc need more and more to feel aroused and fullfilled. And it is my opinion that involving others never strengthens the bond between :scratchhead: people. 



> I agree that this is not an entirely risk free activity which is why i raised it as a discussion here. But I strongly believe that many women and men have exhibitionist and voyeuristic fantasies so I'm interested in this as a safer way to explore this aspect of sexuality.


You seem to be hearing what you want to hear and glossing over the rest.

Perhaps you will indulge in this and your sex life will be great and it will go no further.

Or perhaps you will both feel like you aren't enough for each other, or one of you may not be able to get turned on without the web cam or involving others or fantasizing about other and so on.


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## couple (Nov 6, 2010)

Syrum said:


> You seem to be hearing what you want to hear and glossing over the rest.
> 
> Perhaps you will indulge in this and your sex life will be great and it will go no further.
> 
> Or perhaps you will both feel like you aren't enough for each other, or one of you may not be able to get turned on without the web cam or involving others or fantasizing about other and so on.


I think many couples use or have used porn in their relationships. And many have done voyeuristic things (low or high tech). Nothing is completely without any risk. Couples who are afraid to share their fantasies and explore their sexuality are also at risk. Often when people can't explore within their marriages, they go outside and live double lives.

Don't you think it's better to use porn together than for a man to keep it a secret and only use it alone? Often in middle age, guys have a strong urge for more excitement. As long as there is mutual agreement, isn't it better to explore within the marriage? I think it's much better to be open about things to best understand each others limits and desires and to explore where the desires and limits intersect.

Relationships are complicated and there is never 100% alignment of limits and desires. I don't really understand your position on this. Your 'slippery slope' theory related to sexuality is not helpful because i'm not sure where that slippery slope begins. Do you think that having 'normal' sex too often can also lead to sex addiction. Is oral sex ok? anal? If you use toys, do you think that you will eventually only be able to feel satisfied if you use toys? 

I think relationships are a minefield of potential problems that couples can face over decades. While of course there are risks that problems could arise, I would argue that the exploration of each other's sexuality TOGETHER can help avoid problems.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

C it is true that nothing is without risk but risk to whom? If you risked ridicule, censure, shame and embaressment if someone put your activities on a porn site would you be so anxious to go forward? Women have fantsies just like men but unlike mrn they may never intend to make it real. It is the man who gets turned on goes into a fog and goes at his wife to do it. That's the difference. If you love your wife you will protect her from the slightest risk of shame and embarrassment. A good man protects the woman he loves. Average men forget their role as protector and use their partners for sexually intense experiences. 

You say you will do this only if your wife wants and it will go no further but dig deep down and determine if this is true. You know yourself, didn't this appetite for wanting others to join in develop over the time due to the need for more intense sexual stimulation? Again dig down deep and examine your past and predict the future. What will be the next obcession and what will you ask your wife to do to satisfy your cravings how far will she have to go to keep you satisfied? 

Do you think it is fair to her to take this risky journey with you? Shouldn't she know that you are unlikely to be satisfied with this over the long run and you will probably need stronger and stronger stimulation to stay sexually interested? Have you discussed with her that the risk is totally her's and not yours and that your judgement is probably poor because you stand to gain so much using her but will suffer no consequences. If you can discuss that aspect with her and put her concerns before you need for pleasure you may find that you both decide against this. 

To me, no matter how you rationalize this, you are putting your pleasure above your wife's safety and I think she does not realize the risk to her. The desire to please the man we love is very strong in women and it leads us to do things that are risky to us. A good man with his wifes best interest at heart would never put a women who trust him in risky situations jut to give him a trill. It is difficult to say no when a man makes his request for sexual acts sound enticing and something that he needs to make him happy. 

If she will only do this to make him feel loved. That is coercion. She was sharing a fantasy to please you and now she is being maneuvered into a risky activity which will lead to increasingly riskier shameful activities. I wish she was aware of how these things evolve, i wish she could read spme post from women who have done this and regret it. Would you be willing to show her and let her comment? if not why. 

Please protect your wife, you know she wants to please you, don't be dishonorable and use that desire to maneuver her into risky behavior that you can do with out. Put yourself in her shoes and be honest with yourself. You don't need this you want it. Be her protector- she needs that from you as a man.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

couple said:


> I think many couples use or have used porn in their relationships. And many have done voyeuristic things (low or high tech). Nothing is completely without any risk. Couples who are afraid to share their fantasies and explore their sexuality are also at risk. Often when people can't explore within their marriages, they go outside and live double lives.


I believe a lot of fantasies are built and fed through porn. Many things people never thought of doing have become something that is some how expected of women. this is unreasonable, studies show that men who watch a lot of porn are dissatisfied with their real sex lives even if its regular etc. 

If someone cannot have a healthy sex life within and only including their spouse then they need to seek help because they will never other wise be content and it is no excuse for leading a double life. Where does all this stuff end?



> Don't you think it's better to use porn together than for a man to keep it a secret and only use it alone? Often in middle age, guys have a strong urge for more excitement. As long as there is mutual agreement, isn't it better to explore within the marriage? I think it's much better to be open about things to best understand each others limits and desires and to explore where the desires and limits intersect.


That's like saying I have to be allowed to hurt people or Ill secretly start killing them" Its not like that. No one has an entitlement to porn. Or to third parties in relationships. however the pornification of our culture make it seems like its a norm and to be expected, also that everyone should be happy with this and if you are not then you don't want sexual excitement or you are a prude.

Porn and other such mediums do lead to unrealistic expectations. 



> Relationships are complicated and there is never 100% alignment of limits and desires. I don't really understand your position on this. Your 'slippery slope' theory related to sexuality is not helpful because i'm not sure where that slippery slope begins. Do you think that having 'normal' sex too often can also lead to sex addiction. Is oral sex ok? anal? If you use toys, do you think that you will eventually only be able to feel satisfied if you use toys?


:scratchhead:
I think anything a couple is happy to do within the boundaries of their own relationship and that is mutually exclusive is fine.
I believe having sex is important, its important to experiment, to share fantasies, and to have realistic expectations.


> I think relationships are a minefield of potential problems that couples can face over decades. While of course there are risks that problems could arise, I would argue that the exploration of each other's sexuality TOGETHER can help avoid problems.


I agree, just together shouldn't include, him, her and them over there.

I also agree with Catherine. you should be protecting your wife from harm and this could be harmful and hurtful to her self esteem at the very least not to mention everything else.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

If you are adamanet about it, regardless of what people here say, then chances are you will go ahead with it anyway. I understand wanting opinions, and since you have some different ones, you and your spouse will need to make the decision that you feel it best for you.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I don't know if I'm the "C" Catherine is referring to... But in my case, its my partner who's driving the sharing experience. I've fully bought into the fantasy, but it started by exploring her fantasies, not mine.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Syrum said:


> And it is my opinion that involving others never strengthens the bond between :scratchhead: people.


Why would you use the word "never" when you know at least one for whom that just isn't the case?

This has been the case for MANY of my friends. Certainly has for my DH and I. We are out now and don't feel the slightest bit "unfulfilled."

I wonder what your source of "study". is.


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## couple (Nov 6, 2010)

Catherine602 said:


> A good man protects the woman he loves. Average men forget their role as protector and use their partners for sexually intense experiences.
> 
> ...how far will she have to go to keep you satisfied?
> 
> ...


hmmm. I'm not advocating coercion or manipulation but I (and probably many women) don't share your general attitude toward the role of men and women in a relationship. My wife is not a shrinking violet. She's strong and can take care of herself. Why do you assume she was sharing a fantasy just to please me? Don't you think women have their own fantasies or do you think they just dream them up to please their men? Your whole thing about 'using your partner for sexually intense experiences' is very strange. We both like sexually intense experiences. Does she 'use' me for sexually intense experiences when we achieve them together? 

My wife is also not inexperienced and has done her share of risky things in her past. This certainly doesn't mean she's required to do this particular thing now, but I think she understands that all sexual activity involves some level of risk. Like many people she has been willing to take some sexual risks and not others. Some she has regretted and others she would do exactly the same thing. But overall she's happy with her sex life before and with me. She has a brain, is an adult and can make her own decisions.

You're right to point out the risks of this particular activity but we need to keep it in perspective.


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