# my wife had an affair before we got married



## ohthanks02 (Apr 29, 2018)

Hi guys im new to this site and ive been reading alot about other peoples problems and situation, so i decided to post one of my own.

A quick guide to my life and marriage situation.

We have been married for 5 years now only dated about 8months before the marriage ( she got pregnant 2months after we started dating, currently have 3 boys ). I met her through this girl I was living with ( a sharehouse ) and she had a boyfriend that was a "somewhat" friend with me.

Anyways his girlfriend was always in my room, talking and trying to get my attention. It wasnt long until she told me she had feelings for me, giving me gifts on christmas and also telling me my gift was way more expensive than her boyfriends. She would go out and have sex with him then come back to the house and act like she never had sex. She would also give me these hints or physical hints that would show me she wanted me. After time went on I just got sick of her and felt bad for my friend, so I asked her one day if i can see her facebook and she showed me. I saw this one girl that felt right into my eyes. So i asked her if she can set up a date for me but she told me that this girl was way out of my league because her family has alot of money and she has alot of boys blah blah. I kinda got pissed off because there wasnt any girl this world as of then , that i couldn't get. I told her it was ok, and i would wait as long as i could. 

After about like 2 weeks I got a msg on my facebook telling me she was happy to meet me. So we set up a day and we met. I met her at starbucks and I was so nervous couldn't even speak straight, but as time went by it came naturally to make her laugh and smile ( but she didnt talk much only smiled and laugh ) something was alittle strange because I thought maybe I was talking about myself too much? but I wasnt so I asked her if she understood what I was saying ( she was a foreign student ). She told me "no just little". 

After that I just fell in total shock and thought to myself maybe this wont work out. As i was giving up I got a msg on FB from her asking me to come by when I have time to have dinner together. I was so happy that day that i spent nearly 3 hrs just doing my hair LOL. 

Second time i met her we drank alot ( my alcohol tolerate level is very high ) and after that I went to pay for the dinner but stupid ass debit card wouldnt work ( forgot the reason why it didnt work ) so I really thought wow I am done with this girl, shes gonna think im some gold digger or something, but she was such a kind girl and told me she will pay for this one if I would go drink with her more. So after that I we went to drink more. 

we started drinking again and after that I tried to pay again but debit card didnt work again, I was just so embarrassed because it never happened before and I never let a lady pay . She paid again and asked me in a very polite way if i could book a hotel for her and because her english wasnt so good ( when we talked we used the translater alot ). So i booked and i took a taxi and dropped her off in front of the hotel and gave her the keys but she looked at me and started saying something like " drink ok? I want u" when she said that her eyes turned into a fox trying to eat me. So since she paid for everything I went to the liquor store to get some drinks since i had about like 30$ in cash available in my wallet. I brought her upstairs and she was taking a bath so i waited outside her room since i didnt have a key lol. she came out and said "SO SORRY". anyways i went in she had coffee ready ( i think it was to wake me up cause i had to go to work 4 hrs later lol ). She was so kind and mannered in everyway possible. 

I was in love but i fell in love even more. After we drank a few more she kissed me and i kinda resisted because I didnt want to show her I was just some sex crazy boy ( tried to act innocent and hard to get ) and she said sorry but she tried to again like 10 minutes later, also just grabbing my tie and telling me " I want U" i was kinda frightned and told her I only have sex with girlfriends and I dont do one nights, she acted like she didnt understand and just kept pulling my tie and trying to undress my pants. I told her to stop and I should be heading back home. She suddenly said " OK, girlfriend ok? come love me please " ( i think it was something similar to that phrase ) so i fell for her games and I had that amazing sex with her until I returned home. 

I went to work without sleep and told all my friends and that other girl that I am going out with this women. that girl I lived had those jealous eyes and started to talk weird things about me. For some reason my friends all knew I wasnt that type of guy who plays with other girls so they all believed me. It was lunch time when I txted her if she was ok or had a hangover. She didnt reply for a few hours. When i got that txt msg I was heart broken when she wrote " yesterday , very sorry , I mistake , so sorry , good friends ok ? " I didnt know what to do, couldnt focus on my job, only just thinking what the **** just happened? 

wow I am so sorry for the long story LOL let me just get to the straight point.

My wife had many boys while we were dating, she also had sex with some while we were going out. I found out everything because one time I opened her phone and she had this calender app thingy and it had hearts on some of the dates, and I said to her, are these hearts the day we had sex? and she said nothing, then i scrolled down and saw some hearts on the days we didnt meet. 

My heart was beating very fast and I asked her, " these are the days we had sex right?! what about these dates, we never met" she immedietly said sorry and asked for my forgiveness. I just sat there with nothing on my mind except, who were these people? eventually I found out who they were because she never told me the full details of everyone because she didnt know I would i found out. After I confronted her with the names she just said yes and told me just please forget the past she is very sorry for what shes done and she would never do it again. I told her Iam ok with it as long as she tells me the details of the affair. She would just tell me she doesnt remember and she also was very drunk. But she did tell me she had sex with someone about 6 times in 1 day. Even till this day she wont have sex with me more than once a day and all she tells me nowadays is shes not young as before. this is what really gets me angry because before we got married she promised me she would give me a full 24 hr of sex if I wanted it and prove to me she loves me more than those 1 night guys she met before. She is a very dedicated mother, she changed alot since we started dating. 

My questions are

1. Does she really not remember or is she saying this because she doesnt want me to get angry?
2. How can you not remember something that uve done only once in ur life?
3. I know for sure she will never have an affair again, so how can i make my sex life better? I still have sex about every 2 days but nothing out of the ordinary.
4. It hurt me alot when she had an affair but that was when we were dating and she was very young, I tried to heal myself by trying to think positive, and trying to use those thoughts and pain to make our sex life better but she always tries to block me out of those memories. ( Im not a cuckold ? or whatever you call it , but i try to make myself feel better by thinking how hot she is )
5. She always tells me she wants sex but never show it? it just seems like she has sex with me just to make me feel better ( she rejects sometimes but rarely ) she always say it hurts when we have sex but she had sex with guys much bigger than me. why is this?

I love my wife so much and we love our kids too, we fight time to time just like any other couple, I am not thinking of divorce but just want advice on how to improve our sex life and make our marriage more lively and enjoy our lives together, I just feel depressed recently and I just dont know what to do.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How old are you and your wife? Does she have a job or is she a SAHM (stay at home mom)?

How many hours a week do you and your wife spend doing things that you both enjoy, just the two of you with no one else (not even your children around)?

What sort of things do you two do?

I'm asking these questions to get a feel for the rest of your relationship.

Now for your questions... does she remember who she all that with? Probably. And she probably does not want to tell you the details.


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## ohthanks02 (Apr 29, 2018)

EleGirl said:


> How old are you and your wife? Does she have a job or is she a SAHM (stay at home mom)?
> 
> How many hours a week do you and your wife spend doing things that you both enjoy, just the two of you with no one else (not even your children around)?
> 
> ...


im 31 this year and shes 29 she is currently a stay at home mommy 
to tell you the truth, the only thing we have in common is watching movies together. I try to help her with all the house work not ALOT but i do try to dedicate some time and effort into it so she could rest even for an hour, so MAYBE we can put the kids to sleep early and have some time together.
childrens are always with us, 1 goes to school but 2 are always home cause they are currently too little 
I just dont understand why she cant tell me the full details? I mean i understand she might not remember 100% but she should remember most of it since it was an experience thats like once in a life time. 

I feel like if she would open up and tell me everything that has happened maybe I can use those details and do what she likes and maybe avoid what she doesnt like. Im not perfect so I can match everything to her needs but for love sakes I can try my best.


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

It sounds like your wife was a **** before marriage, or at least had FWBs a lot. Now she doesn't want to recall that part of her life. It happens. Then too, she just might be tired


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

ohthanks02 said:


> 1. Does she really not remember or is she saying this because she doesnt want me to get angry?


1. Of course she remembers. She saved the dates they had sex, why? To remember! It's why you save things. Of course while you were dating she was planning and meeting other men to have sex so..sorry


ohthanks02 said:


> 2. How can you not remember something that uve done only once in ur life?


She remembers. Some of the sexual experiences might have been good (six times in one day? Yup that sex was good) Other experiences not so much, but she remembers...again, she saved the dates.


ohthanks02 said:


> 3. I know for sure she will never have an affair again, so how can i make my sex life better? I still have sex about every 2 days but nothing out of the ordinary.


You don't know she will never cheat on you again. She's probably cheated on you during marriage, unless she tells you you will never know. Fact is you had to find out, cheating is generally a little easier for women. You have sex every two days, a lot of people would be fine with that. About making it better? If you're doing it to compete with the guy that banged her 6 times you're not going to win. Different times and your wife was a different person. Lots of books and self help guides on how to spice up your sex life.



ohthanks02 said:


> 5. She always tells me she wants sex but never show it? it just seems like she has sex with me just to make me feel better ( she rejects sometimes but rarely ) she always say it hurts when we have sex but she had sex with guys much bigger than me. why is this?


Your wife probably wants to be taken but then again being a housewife with kids sometimes it maybe hard to feel sexy after a full day then your husband comes home and expects sex on demand. And you seem to have an every two days schedule so the sex is not spontaneous. And it probably hurts her when she has sex with you because she's not lubricated enough, which probably points to duty sex. Again you expect sex 24 hrs which means you probably ask for it everyday and only get it every second day?

If she's not wet then it's not going to be comfortable is it?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ohthanks02 said:


> im 31 this year and shes 29 she is currently a stay at home mommy
> to tell you the truth, the only thing we have in common is watching movies together. I try to help her with all the house work not ALOT but i do try to dedicate some time and effort into it so she could rest even for an hour, so MAYBE we can put the kids to sleep early and have some time together.
> childrens are always with us, 1 goes to school but 2 are always home cause they are currently too little


I can see why your marriage is not going well. The two of you are not doing what is needed to maintain a strong, passionate marriage. You are doing what a lot of men do, not notice that there is a problem in the marriage until it affects the sex life. Then all you focus on is how to fix your sex life.

The answer is that to fix your sex life, you have to fix your marriage first. There is an old saying that is simplistic but has some truth to it… “Women need a reason to have sex, men just need a place.” What is the reason? Most women have to have a certain level of non-sexual intimacy in their relationship in order to want to have sex. The move non-sexual intimacy, the more they want sex. What is non-sexual intimacy, exactly what does not exist in your marriage… the two of you spending quality time together, talking, doing things that you both enjoy, cuddling, etc. You two need to spend at least 15 hours a week together, just the two of you doing date-like things (this does include the time you spend having sex.)

There are two books that I think you need to read. *“Love Busters”* and *“His Needs, Her Needs”*. Read these two books and do the work that they say to do. They will teach you a new way to look at your marriage/relationship and give you a new way to talk about it. Then, ask your wife to read them with you and the two of you do the work together. Rebuild your marriage and rebuild the passion. The sex will follow.

Do you live near any family and/or friends that can help you out so that the two of you can go out once a week just by yourselves?

By the way, watching movies together does not count as time together because the two of you are focused on the shows and not on each other.


ohthanks02 said:


> I just dont understand why she cant tell me the full details? I mean i understand she might not remember 100% but she should remember most of it since it was an experience thats like once in a life time.


I’m confused about when she cheated. It’s just not clear in your post. How long were the two of you dating exclusively that she cheated? How long did she cheat for? Was it a one-time thing or was it over weeks, or months? Did you find out about it before or after you were married?

If I could talk to her, I’d tell her to just tell you everything. But I cannot. A lot of people think it’s better to not tell this info because it will only hurt their spouse.



ohthanks02 said:


> I feel like if she would open up and tell me everything that has happened maybe I can use those details and do what she likes and maybe avoid what she doesnt like. Im not perfect so I can match everything to her needs but for love sakes I can try my best.


This is such wrong thinking. Know about the intimate details of an affair is not going to help you fix your sex life. It will make your sex life worse. Why? Because it will put “movies” in your head of what happened. And when you have sex with her, those movies are going to start and you will not be able to have a good sex life with her. There is nothing you can learn from the affair that can help you in the love making department. 
And it would be foolish to try to “match everything to her needs but for love sakes I can try my best”. 

What you need to do is to get help in recovering from her affair. Here are two books for the two of you to read to help you recover your marriage. 

*Healing from Infidelity: The Divorce Busting® Guide to Rebuilding Your Marriage After an Affair* by Michele Weiner-Davis 

*How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful* by Linda J. MacDonald (Author)


,


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

BobSimmons said:


> 1. Of course she remembers. She saved the dates they had sex, why? To remember! It's why you save things. Of course while you were dating she was planning and meeting other men to have sex so..sorry


Some women keep a record of every time they have sex. Why? Because of our menstrual cycles, pregnancies, etc. Making the dates might have more to do with normal bookkeeping for a woman than anything else.

From the time my 4 sisters and I started our menstrual cycles, my mother taught us to keep a record. We have all taught our daughters the same thing.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Couple questions...

1. Have you tried to learn her language?
2. Have you DNA the first child? 
3. When you were dating had you talked of being exclusive? Or did you just assume?


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Also memory is a funny thing it could be...

1. Selective memory.....remembering only what she wants to protect herself 
2. May be she blacked out but then how is it she remember how many times
3. She is suppressing it...to what end who knows


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## Steve2.0 (Dec 11, 2017)

As someone said above, I would DNA test the first child just to make sure.

Also, i do not know why you went into so much detail about your first date and the original weird girl... none of it seems to matter towards your story. This seems like female story telling.

And you only had sex with girlfriends? oh boy....


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Ask her to write out a timeline for when she was cheating on you, names places approximate dates, type of sex, intensity and how many orgasms she had, if the guy was married and etc.

Take her to get a polygraph test where the main question is was the timeline truthful.

From your description of your WWs lifestyle I would ask are you sure she wasn't a prostitute or an escort who wanted to leave the business?

Tamat


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Your wife uses men. Sex is a weapon to her - to manipulate.

Get ALL your kids DNA tested now!

Your wife is capable of lying, sneaky cheating behavior. 

Consider divorcing her. She has no boundaries and no moral compass.

Does she work? How long have you been married? Any suspicious behavior since you married?


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## ohthanks02 (Apr 29, 2018)

thanks everyone for the replies .

DNA test dont need they all look like me and also have a dot on the same spot, every one of my sons LOL
also she doesn't work and NO she doesn't need to be a prostitute because her family is wealthy, she would go shopping every week and spend like 5000$, it all stopped after i told her once we marry u cant spend your parents money like that.
Also she can't affair at home or outside because i have cameras in the house and also her iphone is trackable from my phone so i know where she is 24 hrs


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

[email protected] said:


> It sounds like your wife was a **** before marriage, or at least had FWBs a lot. Now she doesn't want to recall that part of her life. It happens. Then too, she just might be tired


Or she married a good husband not a good lover.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

ohthanks02 said:


> im 31 this year and shes 29 she is currently a stay at home mommy
> to tell you the truth, the only thing we have in common is watching movies together. I try to help her with all the house work not ALOT but i do try to dedicate some time and effort into it so she could rest even for an hour, so MAYBE we can put the kids to sleep early and have some time together.
> childrens are always with us, 1 goes to school but 2 are always home cause they are currently too little
> I just dont understand why she cant tell me the full details? I mean i understand she might not remember 100% but she should remember most of it since it was an experience thats like once in a life time.
> ...


She is not telling because she is trying to protect your feelings. 

This wouldn’t be the first time a woman married a guy she wasn’t attracted to because he was good husband material. 

If your wife was attracted to you, she wouldn’t have promised a 24 hr sex marathon. She would have been all over you like she was all over those other guys. 

Your brushing aside the fact that she cheated on you just proves what I’ve said.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> I can see why your marriage is not going well. The two of you are not doing what is needed to maintain a strong, passionate marriage. You are doing what a lot of men do, not notice that there is a problem in the marriage until it affects the sex life. Then all you focus on is how to fix your sex life.
> 
> The answer is that to fix your sex life, you have to fix your marriage first. There is an old saying that is simplistic but has some truth to it… “Women need a reason to have sex, men just need a place.” What is the reason? Most women have to have a certain level of non-sexual intimacy in their relationship in order to want to have sex. The move non-sexual intimacy, the more they want sex. What is non-sexual intimacy, exactly what does not exist in your marriage… the two of you spending quality time together, talking, doing things that you both enjoy, cuddling, etc. You two need to spend at least 15 hours a week together, just the two of you doing date-like things (this does include the time you spend having sex.)
> 
> ...


I don’t think the non-sexual intimacy pertains to his wife. All she has ever had are ONS or 6 times a day with one guy. Then she meets OP and it’s miss once a day.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ABHale said:


> I don’t think the non-sexual intimacy pertains to his wife. All she has ever had are ONS or 6 times a day with one guy. Then she meets OP and it’s miss once a day.


To start out, the OP did not say that this is all she has ever had. He describe some things that he knows she has done.

Note that she is not with the ONS guy(s) and the 6 times in one day guy.

To maintain a long term relationship, a marriage, more it needed.... like a real relationship between the two of them. There is really nothing there. He goes to work, she takes care of the house and kids. That's it. They have nothing. Any relationship would die pretty quickly with that setup.


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## ohthanks02 (Apr 29, 2018)

well we do get crazy drunk maybe 2-3 times a month together. drink till like 5am in the morning then have some nice sex together. Now that i think about it, when shes drunk she gets more horny and does more exciting stuff besides the ordinary missionary sex. Our lives aren't so adventurous or exciting everyday because we have kids, sometimes they are annoying when but we go to their school to see their plays or other activities its fun. I wouldn't exactly say the marriage is just dead boring but when you have 3 boys running around fighting with each other it just takes our mind off somethings ( for me sex never gets off my mind especially with my wife ) LOL


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

ohthanks02 said:


> thanks everyone for the replies .
> 
> DNA test dont need they all look like me and also have a dot on the same spot, every one of my sons LOL
> also she doesn't work and NO she doesn't need to be a prostitute because her family is wealthy, she would go shopping every week and spend like 5000$, it all stopped after i told her once we marry u cant spend your parents money like that.
> Also she can't affair at home or outside because i have cameras in the house and also her iphone is trackable from my phone so i know where she is 24 hrs


How's that feel? Having to watch and track your wife's every move isn't normal.

You don't trust her. You have an arrangement not a marriage!

Just because your kids look like you doesn't mean they are yours.

Wake up dude, you're being foolish and naive.

Maybe you married her for her money?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ohthanks02 said:


> well we do get crazy drunk maybe 2-3 times a month together. drink till like 5am in the morning then have some nice sex together. Now that i think about it, when shes drunk she gets more horny and does more exciting stuff besides the ordinary missionary sex. Our lives aren't so adventurous or exciting everyday because we have kids, sometimes they are annoying when but we go to their school to see their plays or other activities its fun. I wouldn't exactly say the marriage is just dead boring but when you have 3 boys running around fighting with each other it just takes our mind off somethings ( for me sex never gets off my mind especially with my wife ) LOL


You just are not getting it. Read the books that I suggested.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Some women keep a record of every time they have sex. Why? Because of our menstrual cycles, pregnancies, etc. Making the dates might have more to do with normal bookkeeping for a woman than anything else.
> 
> From the time my 4 sisters and I started our menstrual cycles, my mother taught us to keep a record. We have all taught our daughters the same thing.


By putting hearts on the dates she dates or sex with other guys? 

How about the simplest reason she put hearts on the dates she was having dates and sex with other men..because she was putting hearts on the dates she having going to have sex and dates with other men.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> To start out, the OP did not say that this is all she has ever had. He describe some things that he knows she has done.
> 
> Note that she is not with the ONS guy(s) and the 6 times in one day guy.
> 
> To maintain a long term relationship, a marriage, more it needed.... like a real relationship between the two of them. There is really nothing there. He goes to work, she takes care of the house and kids. That's it. They have nothing. Any relationship would die pretty quickly with that setup.


I just meant his wife. I completely agree with you with what you said except one thing. In a relationship the guy needs to feel a connection to his wife/gf. He needs to feel that she is attracted to him. If that is missing then the relationship falls. At least that is what I believe. I believe you never stop dating the one you love. You never stop letting that person know that they are the most important thing in your life. 

When I hear stories of husbands that get married to women that stop having great sex because they get married makes me wonder why. It’s like a husband said on tam years ago. I married the women I love and got the leftovers. Straight vanilla sex from the start, no bj or things like that. When he found out about her past, I think she save one of her videos, she promised to do those things for him. His point was if she was attracted to him she would want to do those things. 

I think women that change how they are in bed when they find a husband are either not attracted to their husband or ashamed of their past. They want their husband to believe they are Snow White.


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## dadstartingover (Oct 23, 2015)

When inexperienced men meet very experienced, manipulative women (they always seem to find each other), this is what happens. It's never pretty.


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## ohthanks02 (Apr 29, 2018)

god im so confused...

all i know is she gave me 3 beautiful kids thats we love together.
I would be angry if she really did have an affair AFTER we got married but I still wouldnt divorce her.
Maybe love is a one time thing, or maybe right now what we have is love?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Never love someone enough to let them abuse you.

Because you will attract people who will abuse you.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

dadstartingover said:


> When inexperienced men meet very experienced, manipulative women (they always seem to find each other), this is what happens. It's never pretty.


Unfortunally this is the kind of person you want to be FWB with not married to.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

ohthanks02 said:


> god im so confused...
> 
> all i know is she gave me 3 beautiful kids thats we love together.
> I would be angry if she really did have an affair AFTER we got married but I still wouldnt divorce her.
> Maybe love is a one time thing, or maybe right now what we have is love?


That's a lot of maybes, eh?

You can't be sure about what your love is can you? 

You wouldn't use question marks if you were sure about your wife and your brand of love.

What does it matter? You're willing to eat that $hit sandwich by staying married no matter what she does - so you know what to expect/you will get more bad behavior/mistreatment.

Good luck buddy...


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

ABHale said:


> This wouldn’t be the first time a woman married a guy she wasn’t attracted to because he was good husband material.


Hereinafter referred to as GHM.



dadstartingover said:


> When inexperienced men meet very experienced, manipulative women (they always seem to find each other), this is what happens. It's never pretty.


These women become "alpha widows": hereinafter referred to as LWM....lousy wife material...

https://www.girlsaskguys.com/sexual-behavior/a25414-the-alpha-widow-how-they-come-to-be

They resent the GHM because he is not alpha. Of course, alpha guys don't marry anybody. They don't have to. They can milk all the cows through the fence. They don't have to buy or feed any of them. They are "Mohair Sam" and "Leroy Brown". 

And this LWM long ago lost any vestige of a scruple she had. Any sex she has with GHM is either through "duty" or "pity". And, to boot, she will jump the bones of the first alpha who winks at her. 

It won't make iota difference if he reads 100 marriage books, buys 1000 dollar roses, takes her on Caribbean cruse (or even Mediterranean), or does all the dishes, laundry, and housecleaning for 10 years. She's just not into him. Period. Doesn't change....ever. GHM simply doesn't "have it"...and nothing he can do will make him "have it"....


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## kekkek (Apr 5, 2018)

ABHale said:


> I think women that change how they are in bed when they find a husband are either not attracted to their husband or ashamed of their past. They want their husband to believe they are Snow White.


If I recall correctly, Snow White was cohabiting with seven vertically challenged men. Why a woman would want her husband to think she had that kind of past, I don't know.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

EleGirl said:


> You just are not getting it. Read the books that I suggested.


I'll go with Elegirl on this one. Sounds like they just need to work on the togetherness side of things.

There is no mention of her running around on him after marriage. 

The single and young life is often filled with more adventurous sex, it's called raging hormones. 

It is common to see two people having miscommunication on exclusiveness ....... Did they have that conversation or was something only assumed (by one partner) ?

If they had that conversation then there is a problem...if they did not....well perhaps he was just more emotionally invested.

I'm not going to point a finger at him or her yet. 

To the OP: It is unfortunate that you had your feelings hurt and I'm sure your shocked a little. Be sure that you REALLY want to know everything about these men. I get the feeling
your the type of person that will allow these "movies in your head" to haunt you for a very long time. Remember....she did pick you!


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Did you find out about the other men after you were married, or did you know about it before you were married?

How long has it been since you found out?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

BobSimmons said:


> By putting hearts on the dates she dates or sex with other guys?
> 
> How about the simplest reason she put hearts on the dates she was having dates and sex with other men..because she was putting hearts on the dates she having going to have sex and dates with other men.


Maybe hearts is her code for sex???? In my little book I did not write out that I had sex. I had a symbol that I used. That way anyone look at it did not know what it meant.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ABHale said:


> I just meant his wife. I completely agree with you with what you said except one thing. In a relationship the guy needs to feel a connection to his wife/gf. He needs to feel that she is attracted to him. If that is missing then the relationship falls. At least that is what I believe. I believe you never stop dating the one you love. You never stop letting that person know that they are the most important thing in your life.
> 
> When I hear stories of husbands that get married to women that stop having great sex because they get married makes me wonder why. It’s like a husband said on tam years ago. I married the women I love and got the leftovers. Straight vanilla sex from the start, no bj or things like that. When he found out about her past, I think she save one of her videos, she promised to do those things for him. His point was if she was attracted to him she would want to do those things.


I agree that in a good marriage, the couple never stop 'dating'. That's what keeps the passion alive.

However, when either a man or a woman states that the passion and sex have left the marriage, I do not assume that it's the woman's fault. It takes two to make a marriage work. More often than not, both parties have let things slip and stopped date, romancing, etc. 



ABHale said:


> I think women that change how they are in bed when they find a husband are either not attracted to their husband or ashamed of their past. They want their husband to believe they are Snow White.


Without talking to his wife, we have no idea it the reasons you give here are the bases of the problem. It could be what you suggest, or it could be that their relationship is just so empty that she's losing (or lost) the passion and interest.

Instead of starting out by branding her a bad person, it's probably better to give a person some tools to use to try to fix things. And then if those don't work, then there might be a problem similar to what you state.

Men are as likely to have little interest in sex with their wife as the reverse. My bet is that the reasons are similar for both men and women. Though some women do have the added baggage of being shamed for their 'past'. Where men are usually don't have that problem. 

This is all a very complicated issue. I really do wish that we could talk to the spouse in a lot of these cases. I think we would get a very different story.

It reminds me of a guy who came on here a few years ago to get a lot of sympathy for his wife not wanting sex with him. His wife found his thread and replied. She explained that the reason she does not want sex with him is that he seldom baths, when he's at home he spends all his time in bed watching TV, and when he wants sex his sits naked in bed and just yells out to her to jump on. LOL This guy admitted that she was right. We all told him to go take a bath and get out of bed. 

The bottom line is that there are two sides to every story. We are not there to talk to his wife. So all we can do is to give him tools to help him try to fix things or leave. Often times suggesting that someone go to counseling is so that the couple can find a real live person in their lives who can talk to the both of them and figure out what's really going on... his story, her story, and the truth.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> I agree that in a good marriage, the couple never stop 'dating'. That's what keeps the passion alive.
> 
> However, when either a man or a woman states that the passion and sex have left the marriage, I do not assume that it's the woman's fault. It takes two to make a marriage work. More often than not, both parties have let things slip and stopped date, romancing, etc.
> 
> ...


Hey Ele girl, I’m just going by what he has said. She did all these things with other guys when they were a couple. While promising him once married they will have a 24 hr romp. 

She cheated on him which makes her a bad person. 

OP seems fine with it all. He just want to know the details so he can repeat the OM’s moves. Go figure.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Also, if his wife comes onto TAM, I would gladly listen to her side of things. 

I know that there are always two sides of everything. I’m just not going to assume that op is doing something underhanded or not bathing.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

It's not an affair before marriage, it's called "sleeping around".


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

MAJDEATH said:


> It's not an affair before marriage, it's called "sleeping around".


It’s cheating if you are in a committed relationship.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

ABHale said:


> It’s cheating if you are in a committed relationship.


Yes and unless I missed it...The OP has not stated "We both VERBALLY confirmed exclusiveness."

If I were a woman and I knew that one of the people I was dating might turn serious (The OP in this case) I might do some
serious shopping around too. It's called options...and women have lots of them.

I'm still not going to point a finger as his wife has no history of cheating once married.

There is the never ending threads about should partners tell spouses about their sexual past lovers. Some people just can't handle it.
This being a case in point. Many men have fragile egos....whether they are in denial about it or not.

I still think they have a good chance......just need to learn to love, value, and respect each other again. Get on that "dating" train with one another.


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## Suspicious1 (Nov 19, 2017)

Odd tge OP has not said if they were exclusive or not. 

Perhaps he was lost in mist of endorphins when they first met, and carried on without any suspicion until recently.

I have a question to thr OP, are you both in America, or in another country? 

I get the feeling your not from the US. Just curious.

S1

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

Mr.Married said:


> ABHale said:
> 
> 
> > It’s cheating if you are in a committed relationship.
> ...


"Shopping around". Right. I'm an advocate that couples should go to pre-marital counseling and put everything on the table. But I could see why some women (or men) would be reluctant to do that. If their partner knew the truth, there is no way they would agree to marry them. So deception or trickle truth is her answer. Some people call that bait and switch.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

ABHale said:


> I just meant his wife. I completely agree with you with what you said except one thing. In a relationship the guy needs to feel a connection to his wife/gf. He needs to feel that she is attracted to him. If that is missing then the relationship falls. At least that is what I believe. I believe you never stop dating the one you love. You never stop letting that person know that they are the most important thing in your life.
> 
> When I hear stories of husbands that get married to women that stop having great sex because they get married makes me wonder why. It’s like a husband said on tam years ago. I married the women I love and got the leftovers. Straight vanilla sex from the start, no bj or things like that. When he found out about her past, I think she save one of her videos, she promised to do those things for him. His point was if she was attracted to him she would want to do those things.
> 
> I think women that change how they are in bed when they find a husband are either not attracted to their husband or ashamed of their past. They want their husband to believe they are Snow White.


If you have to lie or change who you are to be married to someone then you are a bad match and shouldn't get married.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

MAJDEATH said:


> "Shopping around". Right. I'm an advocate that couples should go to pre-marital counseling and put everything on the table. But I could why some women (or men) would be reluctant to do that. If their partner knew the truth, there is no way they would agree to marry them. So deception or trickle truth is her answer. Some people call that bait and switch.


MD I have no clue of what you are trying to say. 

Cheating is cheating it’s not shopping around. Just because some men decide to stay with serial cheaters is on them. If they are that weak spine then there is nothing to do for them. Changing the definition of an action to try and change the taste of the **** sandwich I guess might make it more palatable. It’s still a **** sandwich. 

That is unless the husband/boyfriend is really into that. They come here *****in and moanin about their wife/gf cheating on them time and time again to make it “look” like they aren’t really getting off on it. 

I guess trying to save their manhood anonymously.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

ABHale said:


> MD I have no clue of what you are trying to say.
> 
> Cheating is cheating it’s not shopping around. Just because some men decide to stay with serial cheaters is on them. If they are that weak spine then there is nothing to do for them. Changing the definition of an action to try and change the taste of the **** sandwich I guess might make it more palatable. It’s still a **** sandwich.
> 
> ...


I'll try to use smaller words in the future so you can follow along. The OP's girlfriend wanted to withhold important information prior to marriage. She should have been more forthcoming so OP could make an informed decision. OP didn't decide to "stay with a serial cheater", he didn't know she was one until much later into the marriage.

For ABHale: she done banged too many dudes and hid it from her bae.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

MAJDEATH said:


> "Shopping around". Right. I'm an advocate that couples should go to pre-marital counseling and put everything on the table. But I could see why some women (or men) would be reluctant to do that. If their partner knew the truth, there is no way they would agree to marry them. So deception or trickle truth is her answer. Some people call that bait and switch.


I think it goes a little deeper than bait and switch actually. 

I have countless posts here where I pretty staunchly defend people's right to privacy in keeping their personal private matters private and that no one must disclose all the gory details of their previous sexlife prior to getting with their partner. 

HOWEVER- 

I also think dating is at it's core an interview, tryout and probationary period where people get to know each other do a variety of things together to determine if this is the right person for them to marry and have a home and family together with (assuming that marriage/home/family is the end-goal. I imagine you can apply the same principle to any other form of relationship as well such as ONS, FWB, Sugar Baby, asexual companion etc etc)

Assuming the goal is a traditional, monogamous marriage, a part of that interview and probationary period would be to have a period of time where the relationship is exclusive and monogamous to see if both partys can comply with and function well within and exclusive relationship. 

If they agree to exclusive monogamy but then turn around and cheat - I see this as lying in an interview and failing the tryout and probationary period. 

If they manage to conceal their infidelity through the rest of the dating process and marry, and that information eventually comes out that they were cheating during the supposed exclusive period of dating - I think that is grounds to null and void the marital contract even if there has been no infidelity since the marriage. 

It's really no different than someone lying on their job application and lying during the interview and concealing their bad behavior during the probationary period of a job. Even if the employee had been an exemplary employee since being hired, the employer still maintains the right to terminate the employee without prejudice if they find falsified information on the application or interview etc. 

The employer can choose to retain the employee based on job performance since starting work. But they also have the right to immediately terminate their employment if it is found that they lied during the interview or violated policy during the probationary period, even if the violation was undetected at that time. 

That's a lot of words, but the bottom line is finding out your spouse cheated during the exclusive phase of dating is valid grounds for dissolution of the marriage, even if no known cheating has taken place since the marriage IMHO

It's the BS's prerogative whether to keep them on or let them go either way.


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

Oh,02, I am sorry, but you are a doormat. All you have to do is lie down and let your W walk all over you.
She's cheating in spite of all your gizmos.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

oldshirt said:


> I think it goes a little deeper than bait and switch actually.
> 
> I have countless posts here where I pretty staunchly defend people's right to privacy in keeping their personal private matters private and that no one must disclose all the gory details of their previous sexlife prior to getting with their partner.
> 
> ...



Good post and spot on. I'm still waiting for the OP to say weather or not the VERBAL commitment had been established. I'm thinking not. Likely some GHM going on as well.
I agree if the VERBAL commitment was made by both parties that it is CHEATING.....otherwise anything is still fair game. To me it sounds like he got his ego smushed and nothing
else...but I may be wrong.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

It doesn't matter. He's not leaving her no matter what. That's based on another post he made in someone else's thread...


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

oldshirt said:


> MAJDEATH said:
> 
> 
> > "Shopping around". Right. I'm an advocate that couples should go to pre-marital counseling and put everything on the table. But I could see why some women (or men) would be reluctant to do that. If their partner knew the truth, there is no way they would agree to marry them. So deception or trickle truth is her answer. Some people call that bait and switch.
> ...


Unfortunately the law does not agree with your opinion. But "irreconcilable differences" is a catch-all in most places for foundational grounds for a D.

"Let the buyer beware".


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

MAJDEATH said:


> Unfortunately the law does not agree with your opinion. But "irreconcilable differences" is a catch-all in most places for foundational grounds for a D.
> 
> "Let the buyer beware".


How does law apply to this?

Assuming the couple is in the United States, any sane, sober, consenting adult can obtain a divorce for any or no reason by filling out the paperwork and paying the court fees.

I don't know if even fault-states actually deny divorces for people that request them.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Excuse me if I'm missing something here....

W had sex with others before you were exclusively dating, before you were married. W hasn't fooled around on OP since exclusivity and marriage, has been faithful. 

She's also trying to give you a good sex life in your marriage and has tried to respectful of your feelings when you're keeping on pressing for details for your (OP) curiosity. 

You're not letting this go.

What exactly has W done wrong? I mean really, wtf?

Good luck.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

She remembers but it wasn't a big deal to her.

It was early in your relationship- as in the first couple of days if I read that right?

I'd try to let it go. 

Remember out of all those guys, who did she pick?


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

oldshirt said:


> How does law apply to this?
> 
> Assuming the couple is in the United States, any sane, sober, consenting adult can obtain a divorce for any or no reason by filling out the paperwork and paying the court fees.
> 
> I don't know if even fault-states actually deny divorces for people that request them.


"your spouse cheated during the exclusive phase of dating is valid grounds for dissolution of the marriage" - untrue legal grounds for divorce.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

MAJDEATH said:


> "your spouse cheated during the exclusive phase of dating is valid grounds for dissolution of the marriage" - untrue legal grounds for divorce.


Assuming we are talking about the United States, I think the primary legal grounds are filling out the court documents properly and paying all the fees and court costs. 

Different states have different fault vs no-fault guidelines, but I do not think any jurisdiction in modern day America actually says 'no' to anyone who petitions for divorce. 

Your attorney might advise you to write something else in the box where it asks for reason, but I don't know if anyone actually gets denied because the court disagrees with the petitioner's reason. 

And like you said, "irreconcilable differences" pretty much takes care of about everything.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

oldshirt said:


> And like you said, "irreconcilable differences" pretty much takes care of about everything.


Irreconcilable differences was recommended to me by a lawyer because it can't be challenged by a spouse or the judge. Anything else is open to arguments. Even if the initial cause of the differences isn't legally recognized as valid basis for divorce, the fact there is an unsolvable disagreement between the spouses over it _is_ legal grounds. If the state law, written or case law, supports irreconcilable differences, it is probably what to put on the papers.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Thor said:


> Irreconcilable differences was recommended to me by a lawyer because it can't be challenged by a spouse or the judge. Anything else is open to arguments. Even if the initial cause of the differences isn't legally recognized as valid basis for divorce, the fact there is an unsolvable disagreement between the spouses over it _is_ legal grounds. If the state law, written or case law, supports irreconcilable differences, it is probably what to put on the papers.


I understand that. 

Where I was coming from is that even in so-called 'fault' states, putting a reason in the 'reason-for-divorce' box is just lip-service and a left over formality. 

It's not like any judge or court is actually going to deny a sane, sober, legal adult in America a divorce if they want one and are willing to do the leg work and pay the fees. 

The real reason could be their feet stink, but the lawyers will advise using irreconcilable differences as a catch-all. It's not like anything is actually going to be denied if the petitioner is willing to work for it and pay for it.


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