# christian marital advice needed.



## chai29

I could really use some marital advice here. My husband and I have been married 6 1/2 years. I am 29 and he is 33. We have two children and for the most part are fairly happy in our relationship. We are both Christians. So I would prefer some christian advice. My husband is a full time student and also works part time, so he is gone a lot. When he is home at night he has to have some kind of entertainment like tv or an online game that he is really into on. I try and be understanding and know that he just needs some down time to do what he wants to do but I do feel like he puts these things in front of our relationship. I feel as if he has time when hes home to get onto games and talk to people and watch tv show after tv show or play video games. I feel like it is causing problems in our marriage. I have expressed to him that I wish he would show me more romance. But things never change. I have sexually lost my desire for him, and I just feel like I've been married 50 years and like an old person. I know this is not normal. When I try and talk to him about it, he gets angry and sarcastic and is in complete denial. Or he will just ignore what I said. I just don't know what to do anymore. How do I get him to be the husband and godly man that i need?


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## cb45

how has he reacted to yer lack of 
sexual desire etc towards him?

has he noticed?

methinks theres more to ask/discuss here but u need to divulge more so i can focus better in prayer n discernment.

much i have to say but again, will wait on yer pertinent response(s) so as to not "waste" time/efforts, on anyones
part.

shalom


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## chai29

He has noticed me pulling away, but really never talks about it or try and resolve it in any way. 

I don't really know what else it is that you would like to know.


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## cb45

i guess u really dont want help then; as yer being evasive?

i wonder what he'd say about his & yer behavior if he were to post here (in his defense, of course). 

hmmm.....me-wonders :scratchhead:


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## raising5boyz

Do you attend a church actively? Is there someone you can talk to at church about the issues? Have you really made it clear to your husband how much you are struggling with this?


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## chai29

cb45- I am not being evasive. This is a public internet website. I do not feel comfortable spouting off every detail of my life. I feel like I gave enough information to be able to receive some advice. Please do not comment back if your going to try and be witty and rude. I came here to talk to someone, not argue.

raising5boyz- We do attend church regularly. I just feel a little embarrassed talking to anyone at our church. That is probably why I'm on the internet lol Maybe I feel as if I have to look like I "have it all together". And yes, I have poured out my heart to my husband over this matter. He seems like he listens but the problem never changes. That is why I'm so frustrated. I don't know what steps to take next.


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## Bartimaus

chai29 you are trying to solve this the wrong way I think.
I am a man,been married to the same woman for over 38 years. We are divorcing in 24 days. Many reasons as to why but the #1 reason is because we failed to communicate proper.
Get off the internet,sit him down and tell him something similiar to this "LOOK I FEEL YOU ARE NEGLECTING ME A LITTLE. DARLING I DON'T MEAN THIS MEAN OR RUDE BUT I LOVE YOU AND WANT YOU TO BE CLOSER TO ME. THIS IS HURTING ME FOR US TO NOT BE CLOSER AND MORE PASSIONATE. PLEASE DARLING,I NEED MORE ATTENTION AND AFFECTION FROM YOU. I LOVE YOU AND WANT US TO BE CLOSER THAN THIS." The caps are not for you to shout at him,lol,but to be serious in your tone of voice with him. [[[Make sure he gets the seriousness of this]]]..but do not sound threatening to him at all. Be loving and tender hearted with your attitude when you tell him this.
I replied to this thread because this very reason is why alot of marriages end up torn up. The husband gets complacent with romancing the wife,takes her love and devotion for granted and she gets flirted with daily and gives into temptation.


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## cb45

chai29 said:


> cb45- I am not being evasive. This is a public internet website. I do not feel comfortable spouting off every detail of my life. I feel like I gave enough information to be able to receive some advice. Please do not comment back if your going to try and be witty and rude. I came here to talk to someone, not argue.


Witty? Guilty as "tried" (by u it seems)  

Rude? acquitted (by todays/modern day stds, not even CLOSE) 

No one asked for *sordid* details, (its/is what u implied my dear, not me, isnt it?)

Yes, this is public domain once u've put it out there, "anything
goes." Best u learn to ignore or better yet CLUE into why something someone wrote/said/did/does to you, bothers YOU.

The "clue in" process is a sign of maturity.

hopefully u've tried Barts advice, it worked, & no longer do
u need to continue this thread as its been 3+ days since.

shalom


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## Enchantment

Hi chai~

I'm going to take a bit of a different tack, which I don't know whether you will like, but here goes. 

First, the only person in this scenario that you have any hope of changing is .... yourself. By changing your perceptions, attitudes, and actions (including prayerfulness), you may hope to inspire corresponding change in your husband.

Have you thought about first trying to more joyfully meet your husband's needs for companionship, affection, appreciation, and sex? It may seem counter-intuitive because you want him to meet your needs for affection and romance first before you will meet his needs. But, perhaps if you take the step of first putting yourself on the line and meeting his needs, he will come around. 

Divorce Busting® - I Want to Save My Marriage - Why Change?

And, if he doesn't come around after a period of time of you trying to be giving to him, then you have a very big answer about how he feels about you and how much of a priority you and your marriage are to him. And if that happens, then I would suggest that you look into some counseling, specifically Christian counselling, or him having a good discussion with your pastor about what a husband's role in marriage is. 

Ever read any of the articles from the following site? You might want to take some time and peruse some of them. I don't attach this to try and make you feel any kind of guilt or anger or anything - more just as a tool for enlightenment in trying to understand what a man's viewpoint may be - and the special role that a wife can play in a Godly marriage. 

Understanding Your Husband's Sexual Needs - Focus on the Family

God Bless.


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## COguy

Chai I feel for you. A few months ago I was your husband. I'm going to speak in some generalities, hopefully you won't take offense to them.

In general, guys are laid back and very rational, logical creatures. Your husband is probably not aware that his actions are really hurtful to you. Most guys WANT to satisfy their wife, but women to men are very mysterious creatures. From a guy's perspective, they throw out a lot of "wants" and trying to decipher that into a coherent message is difficult. This is why most guy's go into tune out mode. What to you sounds like a clear message of dissatisfaction is probably coming off as general complaining to him. He is probably tuning you out when you mention it.

Deep down though your husband is a good guy. You wouldn't have married him otherwise and you certainly wouldn't be begging for his company if he was a real *******. He works and is trying to go to school, probably to better himself and your situation. He is probably wanting to be a good provider and a good dad. In fact, he's probably really stressed from work and as you said just wants some alone time to relax and destress from his day. I think if he really "knew" that he was driving a wedge between you guys you'd see a different response from him.

That being said, my advice is twofold. First, you have to understand that you really can only change you. I don't think your husband doesn't care about you, but at the end of the day you can't change his actions or his feelings, only yours. I'd take some time to really find out exactly what you want from your husband, what you'll accept and tolerate, and envision your perfect scenario for when your husband comes home. Pick a few practical things he could do to really get your emotional motor running. While you're thinking about what you really want, I would work on yourself. The Love Dare is a great christian approach to some practical things you can do, you might want to give it a try. Reading the 5 Love Language book really gave me insight into how my wife thinks about love, it may do the same for you. You and your husband are probably speaking different love languages.

Second, get yourself in a calm state of mind. Pick a time where you are not angry and your husband is not stressed. It would probably even help to do something exceptionally nice for him to ease his mood and show him that you are coming from a place of love. When you're both in this state of mind, in a very non-threatening way, I would drop him a written letter. Maybe while he is at the computer you can drop it off to him and say, "I wrote something that really comes from my heart and is extremely sincere and important to me." In the letter I would write how much your husband loves and means to you, how you desire to have a close relationship to him, how you don't feel connected anymore, and VERY SPECIFICALLY how you feel when he does the things that are frustrating to you (be very specific about what you feel and what triggers those feelings). Then VERY SPECIFICALLY, one or two of the things that you feel are really important to you that would help you feel more connected. Then VERY SPECIFICALLY what your dream scenario might look like and how it would make you feel.

I say VERY SPECIFICALLY because in general, women expect their men to understand their emotions. We don't. Men are very simple creatures. You need to spell out very specifically what you want and expect. Don't say things like "spend more time with me", say something like "spend 15 minutes with me when you first get home talking about your day and listening to mine." Don't say things like "spend less time on the computer" say things like "limit computer time to 1 hour a night after the kids go down."

If you don't say things specifically like that, your man isn't going to get how serious it is until you're threatening divorce. It took my wife starting an EA for me to really grasp what I was doing and how it affected her. Once I saw the light though, my entire attitude changed and I went from a straight-from-the-door-to-Computer guy to an active participant around the house. When I would dread hearing the wife complain about doing the dishes, now I enjoy doing them because I know how much it means to her. I can't promise your husband will turn around like that, but I think most guys desire to please their wives, they just don't really "get it." You need to spell it out for him, in black and white, as if he was a child. If that doesn't illicit a good response, then you can escalate it to a higher level.

The flip is also true though, your husband is probably dissatisfied in areas as well. There are probably needs of his that you're not meeting. Reading the love language book can help you with that, and it's also a good start to start working on making him feel more appreciated before you ask him to do the same of you. Filling up his "love tank" may even be enough for him to do the same to you without having to ask.

Good luck!


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## PFTGuy

chai29 said:


> I could really use some marital advice here. My husband and I have been married 6 1/2 years. I am 29 and he is 33. We have two children and for the most part are fairly happy in our relationship. We are both Christians. So I would prefer some christian advice. My husband is a full time student and also works part time, so he is gone a lot. When he is home at night he has to have some kind of entertainment like tv or an online game that he is really into on. I try and be understanding and know that he just needs some down time to do what he wants to do but I do feel like he puts these things in front of our relationship. I feel as if he has time when hes home to get onto games and talk to people and watch tv show after tv show or play video games. I feel like it is causing problems in our marriage. I have expressed to him that I wish he would show me more romance. But things never change. I have sexually lost my desire for him, and I just feel like I've been married 50 years and like an old person. I know this is not normal. When I try and talk to him about it, he gets angry and sarcastic and is in complete denial. Or he will just ignore what I said. I just don't know what to do anymore. How do I get him to be the husband and godly man that i need?


Chai,
In general, I agree with posts above that suggest this may just be a communication problem. The "Five Love Languages" book may help, but I find it a bit patronizing. I think a more lucid and effective discussion is found in a book called "Crucial Converations," which really gets to the source of communication breakdowns, which is usually a lack of security. For example, your husband may have difficulty talking about these problems because he's taking a defensive posture, because he feels threatened. 

If communication efforts don't help, you may have to request counseling, and if he refuses, talk about separation. Maybe he needs a wake up call.

Good luck...peace and grace.


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## bettbailey

First I will say that I can understand where you are coming from. I have been married for 15 years to a workaholic and he has recently finished his Master's Degree also. Time with the family is still slim and help is almost non-existent. He has a drive to pay off debt and it supersedes anything else. The recliner is his best friend when he comes home. You are right in that he needs time to wind down. Enchantment is right in so many ways, as is COguy. Changing ourselves is the only place to start, but we cannot do that without God's help. My constant prayer is for wisdom and discernment. Pray that God will help you see your husband as He does. To help him become the husband God ordains him to be, not what you want, but what God wants. I do not like confrontations, so my prayer for that is for God to help me be bold enough to speak what needs to be said *in love* and for discernment for when I need to keep my mouth shut. Some things need to be let go in marriage, silly unimportant things. Just for example, my husband ALWAYS leaves his dirty socks and shoes in the living room floor. I know it sounds ridiculous, but on top of other issues, it just snowballs... It used to make me so angry, especially when our children started to do the same thing. We talked about loving our husbands in our ladies group and another woman spoke about that very thing. She said she got so mad that she nailed her husbands socks to the floor... In the end it just made hard feelings between them and she realized that it wasn't worth the fight. They were married over 50 years. That wasn't their biggest "fight" nor is it ours, but her story helped me to put things into perspective. I just pick up the socks/shoes and put them away, problem solved. It is so small in comparison to life's issues. I have learned that communication is key as well as compassion and understanding. My husband had no idea of why I was always so upset. I had talked to him, but he did not hear what I was trying to say because I was either angry or upset. He shut down because he felt like he was being attacked or blamed for everything. There is a lot of wisdom in COguy's post, especially given his experience with the situation. There is one thing that I have discovered works for me. Some people disagree with it, but everyone communicates differently and everyone has been created unique by God... Most of the time I talk to my husband when he is receptive (moods make a HUGE difference, his and mine). However, there are times when i feel myself being emotional and maybe a little too upset to talk rationally to him, so I type out an e-mail. Sometimes I don't even send it, it just depends on how it sounds. Often hearing or reading how you feel puts things into perspective. If I feel it needs to be heard, I e-mail it to my husband, if not I delete it, sometimes just getting it out helps. You have to know whether or not he would receive it well... I was concerned about my husband, but he actually wanted to talk when he came home. He said to me, "Finally, at least I know what is going on". He knew something wasn't right and I was "mad" at him, but not why. My pastor once said to our congregation, "I cannot read your minds, if anyone needs me, please come and tell me. Do not tell others that I wasn't there for you when you never told me you needed me." As women we do expect our husbands to "know", but they do not and they won't unless we tell them. Just remember to pray FIRST, ask for discernment, and always speak in love. Also as women it is hard to be intimate with our husband when we are upset. It is hard to be loving if you do not feel loved. There are times when I have had to put my feelings aside in order to meet his need in that area and believe it or not, sometimes it was exactly what I needed to feel connected to him, that can lead to an opportunity to talk. Don't discredit your sexual needs either, it goes both ways. Not to beat a dead horse, but if you have never read "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman, it is a must! Also, "Rescue Your Love Life" by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. Great books for reference. Study Proverbs 31 and see what your study Bible or commentary says about this Godly wife. We can never live up to her expectations, but we can look to her for an example. Marriage retreats are great also. As the Women's Ministry Leader, I coordinate the retreat in our church every year in February or March. They are great tools also, many couples benefit from testimony and lessons taught. Not sure where you live, but we will have one this year if you are not too far away and are interested. God bless you and your husband.


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## Bobby5000

I would read Gray's Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. 
I tend to like to read and do things other than work. For example, when I tell my wife I am working on my hobby, she doesn't understand that I want no calls, and if my mother or father calls, I'd like her to say I am not available. 

Talk to your husband in a non-accusatory way. Try to suggest things you'd both like. Remember women would rather argue and debate, rather than be ignored, but many men feel the opposite. Men like contructive solutions, and have a hard time with conflict and criticism. 



I could really use some marital advice here. My husband and I have been married 6 1/2 years. I am 29 and he is 33. We have two children and for the most part are fairly happy in our relationship. We are both Christians. So I would prefer some christian advice. My husband is a full time student and also works part time, so he is gone a lot. When he is home at night he has to have some kind of entertainment like tv or an online game that he is really into on. I try and be understanding and know that he just needs some down time to do what he wants to do but I do feel like he puts these things in front of our relationship. I feel as if he has time when hes home to get onto games and talk to people and watch tv show after tv show or play video games. I feel like it is causing problems in our marriage. I have expressed to him that I wish he would show me more romance. But things never change. I have sexually lost my desire for him, and I just feel like I've been married 50 years and like an old person. I know this is not normal. When I try and talk to him about it, he gets angry and sarcastic and is in complete denial. Or he will just ignore what I said. I just don't know what to do anymore. How do I get him to be the husband and godly man that i need?[/QUOTE]


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## IMBROKENINSIDE

I know exactly how you are feeling. I read a book called the love dare and it helped. Things between my wife and I are better. I would also recommend you stay plugged in at church. Do you attend any married or couples bible study at church? That would be something to look into.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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