# Should I tell the OM's wife -- They have kids...



## tummy2 (Jul 26, 2011)

Sorry if this has been addressed before, but I am in the middle of trying to reconcile my marriage.

My wife had a PA with another man last year, but now I feel she is still emotionally involved with him... I have confronted her many times, but each time I get the same thing, that she will stop.. But it seems like she doesnt... I dont trust her at all, I dont believe what she says.. I am exhausted... 

I have 2 kids, age 5 and 2, and I want to leave her, but I just cant bear to hurt those two.... I tried walking out the other day, but my 5 year old flipped out and began crying..... It breaks my heart... I dont know what to do.... In any case, I know the name of the OM, and I saw his wifes name on facebook, so I can shoot her a message. but should I? 

My wife said I shouldnt because she said his wife is crazy and I dont want anyone hurting my kids.. even if it is through hurting my wife.


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## Whip Morgan (May 26, 2011)

Your wife doesn't want you to because she may still be involved, since you still have that feeling. When you so it, make sure you have evidence ready
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Your wife is lying to protect the OM, don't waffle go and speak to the guys wife and let him know of the affair. Not only has she a right to know she will in turn place the OM under pressure to keep no contact this will give you more of a chance to save your marriage. Do not let your wife dictate the course of action she has probably been gas-lighting you to him and her friends plus much more.

Never leave your house all the items you have written are classic wayward spouse behaviours , tell the OM's wife and do not let your wife know , wait for the fallout 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Yes. Tell. STAT.

But do so without letting your wife know beforehand or the OM. 

Do it without warning. 

_"OM's wife,

Your husband had an affair with my wife last year that started about Month/Year and I believe is still continuing to this day due to XYZ. Their affair has been detrimental to my marriage. 

I am telling you this since you have the right to know the truth. If you were already aware, then this will be old news to you but if not, I am sorry I have to be the one to let you know.

Feel free to contact me to discuss this."_

YOUR WIFE is BS'ing you. OF COURSE she says his wife is "crazy." Every OW thinks the wife is crazy! Because 
1. either to OM has told her this in order to sound like a saint/justify the affair with her or 
2. Because she doesn't want you to tell in order to keep her affair going.

No cheating spouse on the planet still involved in the affair wants their partner calling up the affair partner's wife/husband.

They don't call it a Script for nothing!!!

The fact you never exposed the affair when you first found out, I am sorry to say, may be the reason why the affair is still ongoing. 

By keeping their secret, you actually helped enable the affair.


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## barbieDoll (Jul 7, 2011)

I have to agree. OM's wife needs to know. PERIOD.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

tummy2 said:


> My wife said I shouldnt because she said his wife is crazy and I dont want anyone hurting my kids.. even if it is through hurting my wife.


This is all part of the cheaters handbook. Of course she is going to say that OMW is crazy. She's protecting her OM. The thing is, don't tell your WW that you're going to do this. This just lets her warn her OM so that he can do damage control and tell his own betrayed wife that some "crazy" man is going to call and is trying to ruin their marriage.

What investigating have you done to VERIFY that the A is over? If you haven't done much, like a keylogger, GPS tracking, phone monitoring software, or a VAR, then most likely she is still in the A. If you want to kill the A, then you need to expose the A to the OMW.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> They don't call it a Script for nothing!!!


It's so sad that these things are just so predictable.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> It's so sad that these things are just so predictable.


Righto.

We can just copy/paste our responses pretty much. I see you have some links up in your siggy now. LOL


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Righto.
> 
> We can just copy/paste our responses pretty much. I see you have some links up in your siggy now. LOL




I read someone saying that they get more out of this place than in therapy.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Tummy2, sorry you are going through all this... if she has not ended contact then she is not really working at R. You can't control what she does, you can only let her go.

BUT DO NOT leave your home, do not be the one to break your children's heart, kick her out if she wants to pursue a new life for herself. Get a lawyer, start the divorce process.

Also, you must tell the OMW, first she has a right to know - yesterday I was so angry to realize how many of our "so called" mutual friends knew more than I did of what was going on behind my back and were too cowardly to inform me, I am now deciding I have to detach from them because they are no longer my friends, just acquaintances - it is your duty as a decent human being to tell her the truth. Secondly if there is any chance at all for your own marriage it won't stop until the A ends, and telling the OMW is the best way.

It sounds tough but she is using you as her fallback and therefore you will never have her respect and you will never have the marriage you want. In my case I didn't have that option, W has no remorse so atleast I didn't have that tough decision to make, but knowing now what I do, I can say that its not the life I'd be willing to accept.


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## tummy2 (Jul 26, 2011)

I know I should have.... 

Is this normal as well.. She keeps telling me that the OM doesnt want anything to do with her anymore... So why is she chasing him..

I had a keylogger, but she doesnt use my computer,... I monitor her emails which I found some incriminating evidence and I have some other emails between the two.. I wish I kept the whole lot of it..

So at this point, the way she makes it seem is that he is not interested in her, and tells her to leave him alone.......

I am a little scared that the guy or the woman is going to go nuts, and hurt my kids or something.. Is that rational?


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Your fear and her words are stopping you doing what is right , there are many if and buts I assure you if OM did not want her to talk to him he would easily cut her off. There is no need to look for excuses , tell his wife and yours and her parents before she starts lying to them as well and blaming you . There is a term we use , it is not meant to be derogatory to you and describes your current behaviour, doormat. You are a doormat and your wife is manipulating you and your fear to enable her to continue the affair. After a year you should have been on the road to recovery , she is still in contact with him hence your current situation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> I read someone saying that they get more out of this place than in therapy.


Haha! "We accept cash, check, and money orders."




tummy2 said:


> Is this normal as well.. She keeps telling me that the OM doesnt want anything to do with her anymore... So why is she chasing him..
> 
> I had a keylogger, but she doesnt use my computer,... I monitor her emails which I found some incriminating evidence and I have some other emails between the two.. I wish I kept the whole lot of it..
> 
> So at this point, the way she makes it seem is that he is not interested in her, and tells her to leave him alone.......


Again, she is saying this to throw you off. If it were truly over, she wouldn't be talking to him at all. Get it? 



tummy2 said:


> I am a little scared that the guy or the woman is going to go nuts, and hurt my kids or something.. Is that rational?


It's highly doubtful either of these scenarios will occur. YOUR WIFE has tried to instill this fear in you in order to keep you from ratting out the affair. Keeping her secret, keeps the affair going, get? You are ENABLING the affair by not telling!!!

The longer you don't tell, the more you can expect this to keep happening.


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## BigBri (Jul 22, 2011)

Man-up, dude. You've let it go on for over a year now... what else do you need- a 2x4 over the head, or something. Stop waffling and be the man that your wife thought she married in the first place. 

Sorry guys... it had to be done(said).


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## Tzu68 (May 9, 2011)

If you don't tell you're sending a message to your W that she gets her way and can protect OM and keep secrets....the OM gets to walk away unscathed, as if it's okay for him to disrespect you, your W and his W.
Tell. 
OM's W has the right to know what's been happening behind her back.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

RWB said:


> There is a distinct difference between vengence and justice, although they are getting blurred in my mind as I get older.


:rofl:


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

tummy2 said:


> My wife said I shouldnt because she said his wife is crazy and I dont want anyone hurting my kids.. even if it is through hurting my wife.


"She's 'crazy.'"

My wife's OM said the same thing about his W to anyone who would listen. In fact, it seemed to be part of his pickup routine. I once characterized it as, "My wife's crazy. Let's you'n me screw."

When I found out, and my W told him I knew and that they were over, his only concern was whether or not I was mad enough to expose him to his "crazy" wife, who he claimed to want a divorce from. So, together, my W and I did expose him to his "crazy" wife...who was perfectly civil, not only to me, but to both of us. She thanked us for the information, and filed for the divorce he supposedly wanted, but tried to avoid by lying about the facts we provided her.

Just like she was, I'm sure the OM's wife is "crazy.". Because "she's crazy" is cheater code for, "She'll kick my @$$ in righteous anger if she finds out what I'm up to."
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Grayson said:


> "She's 'crazy.'"
> 
> My wife's OM said the same thing about his W to anyone who would listen. In fact, it seemed to be part of his pickup routine. I once characterized it as, "My wife's crazy. Let's you'n me screw."
> 
> ...


:iagree:

And has anyone noticed? Even on this forum, if anyone is crazy, it's usually the OW that tends to be the bunny boiler.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

LOL. There are so many OW who are bunny boilers. Much more so than OM. 



Grayson said:


> "She's 'crazy.'"
> 
> My wife's OM said the same thing about his W to anyone who would listen.


Haha. Grays, your example is the perfect way to showcase how they alwys say the wife/husband is nuts/crazy/psycho/she's not well/unstable/nuts.

And it just goes to show over and over again: no person involved in an affair ever sings praises about the betrayed spouse to the affair partner. 

OP, I hope you see the irony of your thread title---"they have kids" -- Um, so do you.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> LOL. There are so many OW who are bunny boilers. Much more so than OM.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


:iagree:

It usually goes like this:

OM Will Usually Say This About Their Wives:
1. She's batsh!t crazy, who knows what she'll do. We're getting divorced.
2. She doesn't care, she has her own boyfriend and we're getting divorced soon.
3. She doesn't care. We're in a loveless, sexless marriage. We're getting divorced.

OW Will Usually Say This About Their Husbands:
1. He's emotionally and/or physically abusive. Help me. I want to get divorced.
2. He doesn't care, we're in a loveless, sexless marriage. We're getting divorced.
3. He doesn't care, he's screwing around, and we're getting divorced.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Your fear of the other family harming your family---is well founded----When a cheater has an A. with another, they don't really know who/what they are bringing into the lives of their innocent family----That is a major problem with cheating, introducing scum, into the lives of those around them

Tell the Other Wife---she is entitled to know, so she can decide her future based on knowing the truth about the scum she is married to.

You say your wife continues to cheat---WHY IS THIS BEING ALLOWED TO HAPPEN---have you put in no boundaries, are there no dealbreaker consequences facing her---or have you basically done nothing, and allowed it all to slide under the rug------there has to be accountability, and consequences, or your wife will never stop cheating, for she fears nothing in re: YOU


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Tell her. Read the thread, "Just let them go." I, too, held on through BS "for the kids." Get the book, "Helping Kids Cope with Divorce the Sandcastles Way." I don't remember the author. I no longer fear divorce and the effect on my kids. The effect of a ****ty marriage is just as bad or worse on them than a divorce. Especially at the young ages of yours. They recover and adapt very quickly. It is a script. Everything everyone is saying about your wife's words sounding familiar are true. I believe you struck a cord with all of us since we have all heard the same garbage.


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## Craggy456 (Feb 22, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> :iagree:
> 
> And has anyone noticed? Even on this forum, if anyone is crazy, it's usually the OW that tends to be the bunny boiler.


I had to read this 6 times to figure out the meaning :rofl:


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Craggy456 said:


> I had to read this 6 times to figure out the meaning :rofl:




Yup, I know. Just look at the threads by am_i_crazy35, WhiteRabbit, and oaksthorne. Those OW are batsh!t crazy bunny boilers. 

Haven't read a thread yet about a OMW going batsh!t crazy though.


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## Tzu68 (May 9, 2011)

How about OMW going after OW's H?? Never once spoke to OW (me). OMW drove to my H's work (and he refused to see her in the workplace and asked his secretary to call HR if she caused problems), called and left what my H calls "less than professional" voicemails on his work phone line and private FB messages to him....and then OM called my H 7x's and sent 16 texts pleading with him to help him save his M--telling my H that his "wife is crazy and he wasn't sure what she was going to do". Is that batsh!t crazy enough??


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## BigBri (Jul 22, 2011)

Do you mean she wanted a revenge affair with your husband?


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## Tzu68 (May 9, 2011)

No...what she did baffled my H and I, our counselor and my friends that know. She wanted to inform my H when she already knew he had full knowledge of the A. It's perplexed us all. Our counselor called both of them "disturbed people" because they were harassing an innocent person, my H.


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## BigBri (Jul 22, 2011)

What am I doing?


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

tummy2 said:


> Sorry if this has been addressed before, but I am in the middle of trying to reconcile my marriage.
> 
> My wife had a PA with another man last year, but now I feel she is still emotionally involved with him... I have confronted her many times, but each time I get the same thing, that she will stop.. But it seems like she doesnt... I dont trust her at all, I dont believe what she says.. I am exhausted...
> 
> ...



All cheaters say that. Yes you should tell her. The OM does not mind poaching your wife and you have kids.


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## cj9947 (Jul 9, 2011)

Tell immediately...you are doing the other BS a favor...


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