# "He has been served"



## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

That is the message via email from my attorney's paralegal.

I knew this was coming, but I completely lost it.
Busted out crying, hyperventilated, got dizzy as a result.
One of my best friends got my text and immediately called and talked me down. Bless her for her friendship!

Haven't heard anything from him, doubt that I will....

Dropping my son off tomorrow at the house, how am I going to do that??????

Our court date is set for October 17th @10 am.
This is just a kind of "brush over things" w/a judge since he doesn't agree to anything on the "separation agreement" and won't try to talk or work anything out.....this is the very thing he said he didn't want to happen when I first felt guilty for getting an attorney and I told him so.

I am putting this in God's hands....and I'm letting go.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

JustAGirl said:


> Dropping my son off tomorrow at the house, how am I going to do that??????


The same way you've done it every other time.

Keep your emotions in check, drop off your son, and continue on with your day.

You will get through this.


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> The same way you've done it every other time.
> 
> Keep your emotions in check, drop off your son, and continue on with your day.
> 
> You will get through this.


Ok....thank you!
I'm in a seriously emotional state today...

You think he is?
Probably not.....


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Oh he is feeling *something.*

No one gets served with divorce papers without some sort of feeling.

Don't worry about him though. He's made his choice absolutely clear. He won't work on the marriage with you so he shouldn't be too surprised he got served.


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> Oh he is feeling *something.*
> 
> No one gets served with divorce papers without some sort of feeling.
> 
> Don't worry about him though. He's made his choice absolutely clear. He won't work on the marriage with you so he shouldn't be too surprised he got served.


You're right!

I think this is the 1st time in my life I've actually stood up for myself - if he didn't respect me before....I hope he does now.
Scratch that - who gives a bleep!

I just know what this means - no turning back.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

It feels amazing to take a stand, yes? 

Limbo is seriously a messed up place to be if you are there for a long time...


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> It feels amazing to take a stand, yes?
> 
> Limbo is seriously a messed up place to be if you are there for a long time...


After the initial shock, it does feel good....except for this pounding headache I've given myself. A co-worker (female) who I've talked a little to heard me break down and said, "I'm sorry you're having such a tough day, I've been there and wanted to let you know I care"....well, this sent me to crying again! *I'M SUCH A WUSS!*I'm not a loud cryer, but I think she may have heard my other co-worker who I called to come over right after I read the email, say, "You're gonna be ok....ok, now you have to breathe" lol

Good lord, if this doesn't kill me....nothing can!


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## coffee shop (Jun 6, 2011)

hang in there, even though you knew it was coming it still hurts. Just know you are not alone and let you friends help you. Don't hesitate to call/text them as often as you need too. 

Without my friends I would not be able to get through this either.


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

coffee shop said:


> hang in there, even though you knew it was coming it still hurts. Just know you are not alone and let you friends help you. Don't hesitate to call/text them as often as you need too.
> 
> Without my friends I would not be able to get through this either.


Thank you!
I have some good friends, I tell you that!

I tend to pull away sometimes when I'm hurting, and I've had several of them tell me that they weren't going to allow me to do that....I just don't want to bring anyone else down.

I am very much a care-giver, the happy-go-lucky girl, the one that is always smiling and can make you laugh....

So it's shocking to some that I've been so down, and it's almost like I'm letting them down....but I have to start taking care of me. That's a hard thing to do for someone who's co-dependant.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

JustAGirl said:


> Good lord, if this doesn't kill me....nothing can!


I know, right?! 

I once read a quote by some famous guy who said "You haven't lived til you've been through a divorce" and ya know what--it's kind of true! The range of emotions you feel are seriously parallel to a person who is mentally unstable. LOL. Up, down, all around. It's insane. You literally feel like you're going insane. 

But you're right--if you can survive this, you can survive anything. 

I wouldn't wish a divorce on my worst enemy. Yes, it sucks that bad. 

If you feel the need to cry at work, hit hte bathroom and hide in a stall. I used to do it all the time. I didn't talk about my D a lot with friends sinec I was so hurt, the words coming out of my mouth were painful to even get out, but I will never ever forget that one of them told me "If you ever want to talk, jus tknow that I am here for you." I never did reach out to her per se, but it was nice knowing someone reached out to me to extend a branch "just in case." For that, I am eternally thankful.


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

No one can really understand how you feel either until they've gone thru this.....

Luckily, I have a core group of girl friends (three in particular) that have been or are going thru a divorce (how sad is THAT??) and know what I'm feeling.

Two of which have children and know the guilt I feel in that regard....but someone one said on a thread here somewhere yesterday...."If your son was 25, and going thru the same things you were going thru, would you advise him to stay just for the children?" My answer would be "no"....

In the next week (while my son is with his Dad)
I plan on meeting w/a therapist for my son.
He isn't showing any signs of problems, but we are moving forward now and he needs to start getting some help. I'm so afraid b/c he has witnessed how his Dad was w/me....I took it, so I'm worried he may not be showing emotion b/c I didn't. I tried to really shield him from that.....towards the end, I did have to talk to him so it wouldn't be a total surprise and toward the end he really saw me down, but it's time he talk to someone.....I do NOT want him having this same type of relationship!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Just--could you call your son's teacher and get him/her a heads up about what's going on at home (divorce) so they can report back to you with anything offside or just be watching out for him/comforting himm, etc.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Jellybeans said:


> Just--could you call your son's teacher and get him/her a heads up about what's going on at home (divorce) so they can report back to you with anything offside or just be watching out for him/comforting himm, etc.


Very good idea. Most of my kids' teachers have been pretty good at using e-mail to communicate when we've asked them for help with things.


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## ProfJ (Jul 28, 2011)

Hang in there girl...I don't even know how to give advice since I may be headed the same way. How long before you filed?


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

@Jellybeans - I talked to his teachers on "Meet the Teacher" night....I have both their emails and so far so good....he likes his school (just moved up from elementary to intermediate) and seems to be doing well....it IS only the 2nd week lol

@ProfJ - I hope you don't have to go thru this. But whatever you decide or do, it's going to be hard.....

In SC, you have to be separated for one year before you can file. So, most people don't really do any of the legal stuff....but he's sitting back working a "under the table job", not paying taxes, refusing to let me live in OUR home, not paying me for his health insurance (that comes out of MY pay) and pretty much letting me fend for myself....which I'm sure he feels justified, ya know...since I LEFT HIM! So, long story short (too late haha) I have filed a temp motion to get some of this stuff taken care of. He can stay in the house but has to pay everything, we have to put it up for sale, he has to keep it show ready and maintain it.....He has REFUSED to leave, wonder how much he's gonna like living there w/ a for sale sign in the front yard.....

We go to court and won't be able to officially file until one year is done, which is Feb 3rd....

Whew!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Good for you for filing a temporary motion. 

I just worry that you moving out will be considered/seen as "abandonment of the marital home" by a judge...


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

Not in SC....because you can't live under the same roof AND be separated. So, since I have a signed lease, that atleast gives the judge the right date.....otherwise, I could have given a date of three years ago lol


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> Good for you for filing a temporary motion.
> 
> I just worry that you moving out will be considered/seen as "abandonment of the marital home" by a judge...


And I know of MANY couples who have gotten someone to go to court w/them and "say" they've been separated for a year so they could go ahead and file....
Not one of them said anything about the judge questioning who left first....but then again, both ppl in this type situation had to want it to agree to get someone to stand up and say something that wasn't true....

Anyway, I might would be worried about getting back in the house since I drug my feet some, but now we're just gonna let him stay in it.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

JustAGirl said:


> In the next week (while my son is with his Dad)
> I plan on meeting w/a therapist for my son.
> He isn't showing any signs of problems, but we are moving forward now and he needs to start getting some help. I'm so afraid b/c he has witnessed how his Dad was w/me....I took it, so I'm worried he may not be showing emotion b/c I didn't. I tried to really shield him from that.....towards the end, I did have to talk to him so it wouldn't be a total surprise and toward the end he really saw me down, but it's time he talk to someone.....I do NOT want him having this same type of relationship!


Just A Girl, I recommend the book that I've added to my signature. I'm reading it. It breaks down a lot of the stuff to different ages.


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

HurtinginTN said:


> Just A Girl, I recommend the book that I've added to my signature. I'm reading it. It breaks down a lot of the stuff to different ages.


All three?
I'll be at home alone all this week, might be a good time to pick one up....

Have a suggestion on which one to start with?

Thanks


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

JustAGirl said:


> All three?
> I'll be at home alone all this week, might be a good time to pick one up....
> 
> Have a suggestion on which one to start with?
> ...


Only one is for a book. The other two links are to some threads on here. Actually, all three are links to threads on here. The one about the book is to a post from Pit of My Stomach telling about the book. I would start with the age appropriate section. That is where I am reading.


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

HurtinginTN said:


> Only one is for a book. The other two links are to some threads on here. Actually, all three are links to threads on here. The one about the book is to a post from Pit of My Stomach telling about the book. I would start with the age appropriate section. That is where I am reading.


DUH! Should have clicked on the links!
I'm sorry, I'll go and check them out.

Thanks


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

No problem.


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## Why Not Be Happy? (Apr 16, 2010)

Hope you're doing better now. It won't be easy or fun but you're tough and a good Mom----you'll get through this!


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

Why Not Be Happy? said:


> Hope you're doing better now. It won't be easy or fun but you're tough and a good Mom----you'll get through this!


Thank you so much!

I am better today!
Four of my best girlfriends called me last night to check on me....I'm so blessed!

Had a good night w/my son - he goes back to his Dad tonight.
His Dad has been texting him (which is one reason I was stressing - when something is wrong, he takes it out on everyone) so I feel better about him going.

Decided I will drop him off at the door, make sure he gets in the house ok and I'm not going in. Too much, too soon and too raw.

This has been a helluva week for me....

Maybe I'll make it through today without crying!


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## Why Not Be Happy? (Apr 16, 2010)

You can do it! You're strong. And a little cry won't kill you....you'll be okay!


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## lht285 (Aug 25, 2011)

Just be aware that in my experience as a realtor, homes that have an angry squatter type of spouse do not show well. You may end up with light showings and low offers due to this. I wish you luck, and positive resolutions.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

Why Not Be Happy? said:


> You can do it! You're strong. And a little cry won't kill you....you'll be okay!


Thanks! I hope so! Otherwise, I'm at my end LOL

Getting my hair done in the morning and maybe some girl time w/one of my best friends.....No cleaning (which actually I enjoy) but I'm gonna get out and try to get all this off my mind!


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

lht285 said:


> Just be aware that in my experience as a realtor, homes that have an angry squatter type of spouse do not show well. You may end up with light showings and low offers due to this. I wish you luck, and positive resolutions.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


[email protected] squatter!
I worked in Real Estate (I was the Relocation Director) and I've seen it all....this will be a tough sale.

Maybe his Mommy and Daddy can buy me out


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

JustAGirl said:


> Maybe I'll make it through today without crying!


Don't hold back the tears. If you feel like crying, just let them roll. Someone posted something about tears, I believe it was Pit of my Stomach. There was a study on the chemical composition of tears. Sad tears are actually chemically different from happy tears. When you are sad and cry, your body is actually getting rid of some chemicals. That helps to explain why you often feel better after crying.

So, just let them flow.


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## Why Not Be Happy? (Apr 16, 2010)

well, I guess we have the real estate end covered (26 years as a broker)----have also owned (bought and sold) lots of properties.
it could be an uphill battle.....
but it really will be okay in the end.


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## Why Not Be Happy? (Apr 16, 2010)

Hurting may have a point.


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

HurtinginTN said:


> Don't hold back the tears. If you feel like crying, just let them roll. Someone posted something about tears, I believe it was Pit of my Stomach. There was a study on the chemical composition of tears. Sad tears are actually chemically different from happy tears. When you are sad and cry, your body is actually getting rid of some chemicals. That helps to explain why you often feel better after crying.
> 
> So, just let them flow.


Wow....which means I'm toxic! lol

I cry when I'm happy, sad, mad and ANGRY!
I think my H would look at my mad/angry tears as weakness...
Little did he know, I wanted to knock his block off


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

Why Not Be Happy? said:


> well, I guess we have the real estate end covered (26 years as a broker)----have also owned (bought and sold) lots of properties.
> it could be an uphill battle.....
> but it really will be okay in the end.


True....I'm going to keep emotion out of it.

HE'S the one that is holding on so tight to this house.
I see it as a place to live. Our first home, yes but home is where you make it. If I were all materialistic, I would have a problem w/leaving the house and MOST everything WE own there....but I'm about life.love.happiness - that house means nothing to me but maybe a down payment on my OWN!

He sucks!


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