# Why does my separated husband yell at me when i drop the kids off?



## bluecupcake24 (Aug 17, 2013)

I am so hurt. and frustrated. My husband of 5 years recently left me and our two children. He doesn't love me any more he says. any way he is just being so mean since we have been separated. He is totally oblivious to my feelings. I love him so much and i don't want this divorce, but he does. and i always have to drop the kids off and pick them up. and i try to be civil and only talk about the kids. but he always is so rude and mean to me whenever i drop them off. I want to tell him something about the kids before i leave, and he gets mad and snappy with me. Tonight i told him i needed to talk to him about the kids, and he just like threw a fit,and yelled at me, saying really meanly, "What do you want to talk about god" i felt like a kicked puppy. Why is he treating me like this. i never did any thing to him to make him treat me so low. He acts like its such a bother for him to spend two minutes of his time talking about our children. when he'll spend all night with his friends and video games. why do i deserve this treatment. This is not the guy i remember before he left.


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

Blue, I know it hurts. But there is nothing you can do. Let him go. Read about the 180 on here and apply them- you badly need them. This may wake him up, but don't do it for that purpose, but for yourself.

I'd say, get a voice activated recorder and keep track of all times when you want to talk about the kids and he snaps at you. It may serve you as proof in court that he is unwilling to communicate with you about co-parenting. This in case of a shared custody. Go for the full custody of your kids, and if he wants to keep seeing them, he has to learn to talk respectfully and listen to what you need to bring to his attention regarding them.

I'm sorry you are here. Sounds like he already checked out emotionally. He may have been cheating, or now just found someone else. That's why your presence irritates him. 
Update your look, get new clothes, a new hair style/ color, go out, and start dating. At least pretend you are over him. It will get you back some of his respect, and who knows, in time, maybe he will see what he's lost.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Well I was going to head off to bed but then read this. I’ll take the time to respond because I’ve been there and done that.

He treats you like that because he’s a miserable clod. It has nothing to do with you. The day I learned to just response my ex’s mean mouth with “Are you having a bad day.” Was the day I was set free from me letting his angry words hurt me? 

You do not know it, but you have the power to stop his words from hurting you. Just realize that he says that because he’s miserable. It has nothing to do with you.

Now about talking with you about the children. If you have anything to tell him about the children, do it via text or email. Until he can start acting like a decent human and treat you with respect do not talk him about anything. Just email him or text him. When he replies, if he replies, wait at least 1 hour before you respond. If you can wait a day or a week.. wait. Why? Because you do not want to reply in haste and say things that will be knee jerk reactions.
Only email/text about facts, pickup/drop-off time, doc appointments, etc. Never about anything personal. 

If he cannot speak to you with respect then do not speak to him or give him a chance to speak to you.

Why are you dropping the children off and picking them up? The way it works is that the one who the children are going with picks them up at the other’s home. So if he wants to see his children, he can drive to your home and pick them up.

But, since he’s being an SOB he cannot come into your home. Our son was old enough to walk out to the car, so when he drove up our son would walk out to the car. When I picked our son up on the ex’s house, our son walked out to my car. 

We had to do this because my ex used child exchange time to attack me verbally.. every time. I actually got my lawyer to add this to the divorce papers… all communications would be via email and then the parent picking up the child will drive and will not go to the door, but instead the child will walk out to the car. 

This might sound cold to you, but right now your husband sees you as needy and annoying. So stop it. Stop trying to talk to him. He sees your attempts to talk about the children as a way of trying to talk to him about your relationship and cling to him. 

Take a look at the 180 link in my signature block below. This is how you need to be interacting with him. If there is a chance at all in getting him back the above and the 180 will be facilitate that. With such a drastic behavior change, he will definitely start to wonder what’s going on with you. If you don’t get back him back, at least you will not be subjected to his angry abuse.


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## bn311 (Aug 28, 2013)

He is the one with the issues, not you. You will have to try to move on.. pretend you have no interest in him anymore either. If you really want to be with him and no one else then don't give up on him but do back down and seem "unavailable" then he may have a change of mind. I know someone who didn't give up on her spouse when he left and he was even with someone else.. still she knew she wanted to be with only him and it took a long time and a lot of tears but now they are together again and have been for years and they are very happy. So decide if you want to be with him or if it may be better to try to move on, but also do realize if you get back with him there will be a lot of pain for a while and it may be awkward and you will have to get used to things again.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

I think he's treating you like that because he's trying to detach. The most effective way for him to stop caring about you is to vilify you in his own head. 

At this stage you have to demand civil treatment from him. He can "hate" you all he wants but in front of the kids he has to treat you respectfully. Disengage immediately as soon as he starts to act up.


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## pollywog (May 30, 2013)

Let him come and get the kids if he wants to see them. You can go pick them up, but ignore him as much as you can.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> He treats you like that because he’s a miserable clod. It has nothing to do with you. The day I learned to just response my ex’s mean mouth with “Are you having a bad day.” Was the day I was set free from me letting his angry words hurt me?


:iagree:

Some people just can't be happy.

Right now your world is shattered because you still love him. You might always have some love there. In time it will become ILYBIANILWY (I love you but I'm am not in love with you).

As that transition comes, you'll start to feel relief that he's gone. The toxic anger drags on you. Not being around him is an improvement.


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Well I was going to head off to bed but then read this. I’ll take the time to respond because I’ve been there and done that.
> 
> He treats you like that because he’s a miserable clod. It has nothing to do with you. The day I learned to just response my ex’s mean mouth with “Are you having a bad day.” Was the day I was set free from me letting his angry words hurt me?
> 
> ...



:iagree::iagree::iagree:

I would recommend the 180 full on. It's what safed my piece of mind. Hard to do but liberating also. Good Luck


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

Elegirl has given you very sound advice. I would send him a message outlying the problems and solutions. For example, tell him that you will no longer be delivering the children he will have to get them at the designated time. Additionally, his verbal abuse will no longer be tolerated and further communication will be conducted via text of email, except in case of emergency. If he calls in retaliation, don't pick up, answer in an email 30 minutes later. Keep communication very business like and save the electronic communication. You need to protect yourself with the one 180 approach. He is no longer your friend, buddy or pal. He is the father of your children and garners a certain respect for that and that only. Do not allow him to treat you poorly. You don't have to treat him badly, just don't allow him to verbally mistreat you. Respect is a two way street.


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## love/hate (Sep 2, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Well I was going to head off to bed but then read this. I’ll take the time to respond because I’ve been there and done that.
> 
> He treats you like that because he’s a miserable clod. It has nothing to do with you. The day I learned to just response my ex’s mean mouth with “Are you having a bad day.” Was the day I was set free from me letting his angry words hurt me?
> 
> ...



:iagree:
I really think you should take this advice.


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## Quant (Jul 15, 2013)

He doesn't like you I think this is obvious you can't control how he feels.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Quant said:


> He doesn't like you I think this is obvious you can't control how he feels.


It could also be that he still loves her but not to want to so he uses anger to protect himself from her. Or it could be that he is a person with uncontrollable anger and just acts out. 

Thinks are not so simple all the time.

Though I agree that he is behaving as though he does not like her.

Another nuance of her situation is that it does not matter if he likes her or not. He should be treating her with respect and not yell at her when they are exchanging the children. His angry outbursts are not acceptable around the children no matter how feels about her.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

It helps me to remember hurt people hurt people.

This isn't about you.

He's a miserable person and it makes him feel better to dump on those that it's safe to do so.


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