# Hi Everyone



## CcGrace (3 mo ago)

I'm really happy to be here, went through a very bad divorce many years ago now but I find that at times I still struggle with putting everything away. 

My story- after 3 years of dating I married my college boyfriend. We were married for 10 years. I found out that he had a massive addiction to child pornography the day federal officers showed up at my front door with their weapons drawn. After that I found out that pretty much everything he ever said to me was a lie, he had completely invented a person that he thought people would like. Jobs, hobbies, life experiences...all lies. I really had been with a complete stranger for 13 years. We divorced, and I HAVE managed to rebuild my life but as I mentioned I still struggle with it all, which is why I'm here. I found it really difficult to talk to anyone when I was going through it, 1- because I was completely freaked about being monitored (my phone had been tapped by the feds prior to his arrest) and there's the whole "putting on a happy face so no one else will be uncomfortable" thing. And then after that I was really just in survival mode- I'm kind of finally at a point where I can really work through it all and put it behind me. And I'd like to think that I'm a little less arrogant than I was then, thinking that I either didn't need help or no one could help me Anyway, if you have taken the time to read this, thanks for letting me vent and giving me a forum to sort through my 💩


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Hi there ! That is a terrible experience and I can only imagine how confusing it must have been. One of the great things about this place is we have pretty much seen it all over the years. You can vent all you like !!! No one will think any different of you for it.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

CcGrace said:


> I'm really happy to be here, went through a very bad divorce many years ago now but I find that at times I still struggle with putting everything away.
> 
> My story- after 3 years of dating I married my college boyfriend. We were married for 10 years. I found out that he had a massive addiction to child pornography the day federal officers showed up at my front door with their weapons drawn. After that I found out that pretty much everything he ever said to me was a lie, he had completely invented a person that he thought people would like. Jobs, hobbies, life experiences...all lies. I really had been with a complete stranger for 13 years. We divorced, and I HAVE managed to rebuild my life but as I mentioned I still struggle with it all, which is why I'm here. I found it really difficult to talk to anyone when I was going through it, 1- because I was completely freaked about being monitored (my phone had been tapped by the feds prior to his arrest) and there's the whole "putting on a happy face so no one else will be uncomfortable" thing. And then after that I was really just in survival mode- I'm kind of finally at a point where I can really work through it all and put it behind me. And I'd like to think that I'm a little less arrogant than I was then, thinking that I either didn't need help or no one could help me Anyway, if you have taken the time to read this, thanks for letting me vent and giving me a forum to sort through my 💩


@CcGrace Welcome to TAM. Wow what a terrible story! Like Mr.Married said, you’re among friends here. Vent, rant, or whatever you like. I hope while you are here you can find some healing.


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## Mybabysgotit (Jul 1, 2019)

CcGrace said:


> I'm really happy to be here, went through a very bad divorce many years ago now but I find that at times I still struggle with putting everything away.
> 
> My story- after 3 years of dating I married my college boyfriend. We were married for 10 years. I found out that he had a massive addiction to child pornography the day federal officers showed up at my front door with their weapons drawn. After that I found out that pretty much everything he ever said to me was a lie, he had completely invented a person that he thought people would like. Jobs, hobbies, life experiences...all lies. I really had been with a complete stranger for 13 years. We divorced, and I HAVE managed to rebuild my life but as I mentioned I still struggle with it all, which is why I'm here. I found it really difficult to talk to anyone when I was going through it, 1- because I was completely freaked about being monitored (my phone had been tapped by the feds prior to his arrest) and there's the whole "putting on a happy face so no one else will be uncomfortable" thing. And then after that I was really just in survival mode- I'm kind of finally at a point where I can really work through it all and put it behind me. And I'd like to think that I'm a little less arrogant than I was then, thinking that I either didn't need help or no one could help me Anyway, if you have taken the time to read this, thanks for letting me vent and giving me a forum to sort through my 💩


Wow...I find the child molesters one of the most vile disgusting people on earth. I met one once (that I knew of) and actually hung out with him before finding out (same scenario that went down with you guys). To have been married to one must feel icky and gross, like you can't wash it off. I feel bad for you, but hopefully you'll rebound to a better place. BACKGROUND check your potential suitors.


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## CcGrace (3 mo ago)

Mybabysgotit said:


> Wow...I find the child molesters one of the most vile disgusting people on earth. I met one once (that I knew of) and actually hung out with him before finding out (same scenario that went down with you guys). To have been married to one must feel icky and gross, like you can't wash it off. I feel bad for you, but hopefully you'll rebound to a better place. BACKGROUND check your potential suitors.


Yeah it was a situation where the federal officers told me that they had never seen such a large collection, something like over 1500 videos and 80,000 images. He never PHYSICALLY harmed anyone, which is somewhat comforting to me in all this, but it doesn't change the fact that he had (has) a massive psychological problem. I always knew he had mental health issues but I thought that they were related to depression and self-esteem. And like I said, I had been with him from a fairly young age, we met when he was only 20 and I was 18. He HAD no criminal record of any kind, was completely clean. I knew his family, and we were together for three full years (2 living together) before we married. Even if I had done a search on him prior to dating, there would have been nothing there, not even traffic violations. That being said I did ignore a bunch of other huge red flags, chalking that one up to being young, stupid, naive, and having massive codependent tendencies. I have always felt the most upset with myself, honestly, just for not knowing myself better, not being a better advocate for myself, playing make believe with what I wanted to be there in the marriage versus reality, not pulling the plug when there were other obvious issues (couldn't hold a job, couldn't make simple decisions, couldn't take care of himself at all). Sigh.


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## CcGrace (3 mo ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> @CcGrace Welcome to TAM. Wow what a terrible story! Like Mr.Married said, you’re among friends here. Vent, rant, or whatever you like. I hope while you are here you can find some healing.


Thank you!


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## CcGrace (3 mo ago)

Mr.Married said:


> Hi there ! That is a terrible experience and I can only imagine how confusing it must have been. One of the great things about this place is we have pretty much seen it all over the years. You can vent all you like !!! No one will think any different of you for it.


Thank you!


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## CcGrace (3 mo ago)

I have recently been granted an annulment of our marriage in my church, which was really important to me, but of course it just brought all this stuff up to the surface. He has finished his prison sentence and is back out in the world again. The case worker for out annulment has met with him a number of times and has just stressed to me that even after all this time it's obvious that he isn't well and still can't really process the consequences of his actions. And I have to admit that it really pisses me off- I guess I had hoped for him to have reached some kind of place where he could say, "Good luck and have a nice life" but that's not the case. And cerebrally I know that I have to manage my expectations but it really bothers me.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

I’m glad to see you didn’t linger in this and made the correct decision to divorce.
Good for you!


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

CcGrace said:


> I have recently been granted an annulment of our marriage in my church, which was really important to me, but of course it just brought all this stuff up to the surface. He has finished his prison sentence and is back out in the world again. The case worker for out annulment has met with him a number of times and has just stressed to me that even after all this time it's obvious that he isn't well and still can't really process the consequences of his actions. And I have to admit that it really pisses me off- I guess I had hoped for him to have reached some kind of place where he could say, "Good luck and have a nice life" but that's not the case. And cerebrally I know that I have to manage my expectations but it really bothers me.


There has been little to no successful rehabilitation for psychosexual offenders. So don't expect him to change. He had already completely covered up his behavior and he knows how to do that again and that's what he'll do.

So sorry you got involved with a con man. I guess they let him out because they haven't caught him doing something physically but that doesn't mean he hasn't. 

Are you able to just have zero contact with him so that you can move on with your life? I hope so.

You didn't mention whether you had children with him.


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

Congrats on having the courage to leave a terrible situation. Thinking you know someone and then finding out they are someone totally different is devastating. My 8 year relationship to my STBX was a total lie, but nothing near to the hell you went through.

He’s in your past, and you need to leave him there. What are you doing to work on yourself and get through this? And this site is awesome. You will get great advice. But the best part is finding out you’re not alone.


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## CcGrace (3 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> There has been little to no successful rehabilitation for psychosexual offenders. So don't expect him to change. He had already completely covered up his behavior and he knows how to do that again and that's what he'll do.
> 
> So sorry you got involved with a con man. I guess they let him out because they haven't caught him doing something physically but that doesn't mean he hasn't.
> 
> ...


No children with him, thank God. We tried for years, even did fertility treatments but now I'm SO happy to not be tied to him that way. 

I've had zero contact for the duration of his prison sentence, he served his time and they let him out. I was in the same town as him (now I live and work overseas) last summer and I offered to meet with him to hand off the stuff of his that I've been storing all this time. He declined and sent a friend instead, saying that he wasn't ready to see me (it's been years). I doubt that if I find myself in a similar situation again that I will make another offer. It felt like a giant slap in the face after I extended an olive branch. 

It was what would have been our twenty year wedding anniversary a few days ago. Between that and my annulment being granted is probably what's triggering me but lately I've been having nightmares about him too. It's just really been on my mind SO much the last few weeks or so and I realized that I've never really done much to deal with it other than repress and ignore. So thanks to all of you for reading and letting me blow off steam, it's a really big deal.


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## CcGrace (3 mo ago)

SCDad01 said:


> Congrats on having the courage to leave a terrible situation. Thinking you know someone and then finding out they are someone totally different is devastating. My 8 year relationship to my STBX was a total lie, but nothing near to the hell you went through.
> 
> He’s in your past, and you need to leave him there. What are you doing to work on yourself and get through this? And this site is awesome. You will get great advice. But the best part is finding out you’re not alone.


I'm so sorry that you had to deal with that. Honestly finding out that I had no idea who I was married to troubled me almost more than his addiction. An addiction I can at least kind of get my head around, find solutions on the internet, get a counselor, etc....it just felt like it could have had kind of plan of action. But finding out that every story about his life was a lie was just devastating, and the funny thing was that he always made sure it contained some little nugget of truth, so that if it ever came up with friends or family I would never really know. I didn't realize the full extent of it all until he was incarcerated and I could read things like the federal officer's report, the psychologist report, talking to his friends and family without him. 

When I did confront him about his lies after his initial arrest, he just scoffed and said, "What is the truth anyway? Does anyone really know?" I told him that I would refuse to help or support him if he told me even one more lie- finally confronted him again after I had caught him in 5 different lies. The thing was that they were lies about nothing important, like "Did you talk to your brother yesterday?" And I still don't understand why he would lie to me about such ridiculous things knowing full well what the consequences would be. Was lying such a part of his psyche that he was completely incapable of telling the truth? 

I know I need to let it go and that even if I had the answers it would be beyond me because my brain doesn't work like that. But even after all this time (especially lately) I just want so badly to understand.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

CcGrace said:


> No children with him, thank God. We tried for years, even did fertility treatments but now I'm SO happy to not be tied to him that way.
> 
> I've had zero contact for the duration of his prison sentence, he served his time and they let him out. I was in the same town as him (now I live and work overseas) last summer and I offered to meet with him to hand off the stuff of his that I've been storing all this time. He declined and sent a friend instead, saying that he wasn't ready to see me (it's been years). I doubt that if I find myself in a similar situation again that I will make another offer. It felt like a giant slap in the face after I extended an olive branch.
> 
> It was what would have been our twenty year wedding anniversary a few days ago. Between that and my annulment being granted is probably what's triggering me but lately I've been having nightmares about him too. It's just really been on my mind SO much the last few weeks or so and I realized that I've never really done much to deal with it other than repress and ignore. So thanks to all of you for reading and letting me blow off steam, it's a really big deal.


Well with him in prison, you've kind of been on hold and not had closure. I don't think someone that kept those kind of secrets is ever going to be honest with you enough to give you closure. But yeah maybe as soon as you feel contact isn't going to happen, maybe you can move on. Now he's found out, he doesn't want to deal with how betrayed you feel. And I think that's for the best because I'm afraid if he did agree that he contacted with only be to use you some way because he's completely conned you. 

Ongoing therapy support would probably be a good thing to have right now.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

How long ago did you divorce. Why is he still in your head?


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

CcGrace said:


> I know I need to let it go and that even if I had the answers it would be beyond me because my brain doesn't work like that. But even after all this time (especially lately) I just want so badly to understand.


I get it. I still struggle to understand my ex’s NPD. But you will most likely *never* understand someone with a mental illness. You will waste so much energy trying to do so. It can consume you and affect your mental well-being. Maybe IC can help you get some closure.


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## CcGrace (3 mo ago)

RebuildingMe said:


> How long ago did you divorce. Why is he still in your head?


We divorced 9 years ago if you can believe it. I think it's on my mind because now that I am FINALLY not in survival mode, have my life on track, etc. my brain is finally trying to sort out everything that I just couldn't take the time for before. And I didn't mind the distraction, I took a job overseas and I've loved exploring the world and the people in it. I have a great life. But at the same time, I sometimes really miss the life and the home that I worked so hard to build. I'm sure anyone here knows the pain of having to dismantle a life that you built with someone piece by piece. If I had the choice to go back, would I? Definitely not. But my heart still hurts when I think about it. I don't think about it much, but I have been thinking about it lately between the annulment and the milestone wedding anniversary that never was.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

CcGrace said:


> We divorced 9 years ago if you can believe it. I think it's on my mind because now that I am FINALLY not in survival mode, have my life on track, etc. my brain is finally trying to sort out everything that I just couldn't take the time for before. And I didn't mind the distraction, I took a job overseas and I've loved exploring the world and the people in it. I have a great life. But at the same time, I sometimes really miss the life and the home that I worked so hard to build. I'm sure anyone here knows the pain of having to dismantle a life that you built with someone piece by piece. If I had the choice to go back, would I? Definitely not. But my heart still hurts when I think about it. I don't think about it much, but I have been thinking about it lately between the annulment and the milestone wedding anniversary that never was.


It's a punch in the gut because you did build a life and it was real on your end but a facade on his. You lost all that and you put a lot into it. That was your identity. It's good you moved on but you must feel like you left part of yourself behind in an unresolvable situation. And I'm sure you probably feel restrained about having good memories about it and I'm sure there were some. It was your life and what you put into it and what you got out of it you should own it. It's just that he kind of led a double life.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

CcGrace said:


> I'm so sorry that you had to deal with that. Honestly finding out that I had no idea who I was married to troubled me almost more than his addiction. An addiction I can at least kind of get my head around, find solutions on the internet, get a counselor, etc....it just felt like it could have had kind of plan of action. But finding out that every story about his life was a lie was just devastating, and the funny thing was that he always made sure it contained some little nugget of truth, so that if it ever came up with friends or family I would never really know. I didn't realize the full extent of it all until he was incarcerated and I could read things like the federal officer's report, the psychologist report, talking to his friends and family without him.
> 
> When I did confront him about his lies after his initial arrest, he just scoffed and said, "What is the truth anyway? Does anyone really know?" I told him that I would refuse to help or support him if he told me even one more lie- finally confronted him again after I had caught him in 5 different lies. The thing was that they were lies about nothing important, like "Did you talk to your brother yesterday?" And I still don't understand why he would lie to me about such ridiculous things knowing full well what the consequences would be. Was lying such a part of his psyche that he was completely incapable of telling the truth?
> 
> I know I need to let it go and that even if I had the answers it would be beyond me because my brain doesn't work like that. But even after all this time (especially lately) I just want so badly to understand.


Some people lie like they breathe. It is an unfortunate reality. 

I suspect part of the reason that you are having the recurrence of nightmares has to do with your obvious grace towards him, which is evidenced by the olive branch. I am sure on some level you still have love for who you thought he was. 

The problem with all of it is that it brought back to the surface all of those emotions, one of which is likely misplaced guilt. 

I would suggest to you that the contact over getting him his stuff be your last. He is in the rearview mirror of your life, where he belongs. Leave him there. 

Sent from my Pixel 6 using Tapatalk


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## CcGrace (3 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> It's a punch in the gut because you did build a life and it was real on your end but a facade on his. You lost all that and you put a lot into it. That was your identity. It's good you moved on but you must feel like you left part of yourself behind in an unresolvable situation. And I'm sure you probably feel restrained about having good memories about it and I'm sure there were some. It was your life and what you put into it and what you got out of it you should own it. It's just that he kind of led a double life.


After he was arrested, he told me that all of this stemmed from sexual abuse as a child that he kept secret. I do believe him about the abuse because his behavior during the course of our marriage was consistent with that. But the thing is, I had also lived with sexual abuse as a child, something he was well aware of. If ANYONE could have given him some understanding, love, and validation, it was me. He worked nights and I worked days, so it was a perfect opportunity for him to dig into these videos and pictures after his work while I was asleep. Some nights he would come to bed and literally be crying, saying "I'm a monster" but no matter how hard I tried he wouldn't tell me why. He refused to be involved in any kind of counseling, even after his arrest. In a way I actually feel quite sorry for him, I think he was really white-knuckling through his life. And when we divorced and he was incarcerated I was in touch with him for a few weeks. His mental state had just deteriorated so badly that he was barely making sense. I stopped communication with him when he started telling me about how his lawyer (private defense) was somehow doing him wrong and he was trying to get charges pressed against the guy. I was stunned- I asked, "How exactly is that going to help you? They have a mountain of evidence against you and you admitted to doing it! How is trying to get your lawyer in trouble going to benefit you even if you are right?" He just got mad. Sigh. 

I genuinely hope that he finds some happiness in this life...but I doubt that he will. So it's true that I feel guilt- I have a great life, and his looks pretty bleak. I know that it's all based around his own choices, but it's also true that I have enough care for him not to want him to rot in the gutter or destroy his life further. It's a real mixed bag of emotions but it would genuinely be easier on me if he were in a place where he could say, "Yes I destroyed our lives. I'm sorry and I'm going to try and be better. I hope you have a happy life". It would mean that he had gained some insight into himself and wanted to be better rather than wallow in being a victim of his own choices. But that's just not reality. And that has to apply to so many people here- How do you guys deal with that? Like no matter how much I might wish, at the end of the day he made his own choices. Those who have suggested IC are right, I do need it. Looking into options right now.


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## CcGrace (3 mo ago)

farsidejunky said:


> Some people lie like they breathe. It is an unfortunate reality.
> 
> I suspect part of the reason that you are having the recurrence of nightmares has to do with your obvious grace towards him, which is evidenced by the olive branch. I am sure on some level you still have love for who you thought he was.
> 
> ...


You are completely right on this one. I need to put it in the past and leave it there. Talking about it does help though.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

CcGrace said:


> You are completely right on this one. I need to put it in the past and leave it there. Talking about it does help though.


True you need to get it out you need to talk , abuse from when we were children is not easy to talk about , I don't know the numbers but I would bet it is near 1 in 2 most don't talk about it in life , 

I have no idea what it is like to be married to a stranger ,but I can see how your whole life and recovery is put on hold , 

I can't help but feel sorry in a way for him that he is not doing anything to improve and in a way jail is not the place for someone like him but think there should be a forced program put in place to help guys like this , 

Thank god he never hurt young kids , and I hope he does not , 
HIS lies and what he did by covering up his other side very much hurt you and i hope one day you can get past it all , 
Thank you for all your posts , they show just how we can all think we know others ,


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

CcGrace said:


> After he was arrested, he told me that all of this stemmed from sexual abuse as a child that he kept secret. I do believe him about the abuse because his behavior during the course of our marriage was consistent with that. But the thing is, I had also lived with sexual abuse as a child, something he was well aware of. If ANYONE could have given him some understanding, love, and validation, it was me. He worked nights and I worked days, so it was a perfect opportunity for him to dig into these videos and pictures after his work while I was asleep. Some nights he would come to bed and literally be crying, saying "I'm a monster" but no matter how hard I tried he wouldn't tell me why. He refused to be involved in any kind of counseling, even after his arrest. In a way I actually feel quite sorry for him, I think he was really white-knuckling through his life. And when we divorced and he was incarcerated I was in touch with him for a few weeks. His mental state had just deteriorated so badly that he was barely making sense. I stopped communication with him when he started telling me about how his lawyer (private defense) was somehow doing him wrong and he was trying to get charges pressed against the guy. I was stunned- I asked, "How exactly is that going to help you? They have a mountain of evidence against you and you admitted to doing it! How is trying to get your lawyer in trouble going to benefit you even if you are right?" He just got mad. Sigh.
> 
> I genuinely hope that he finds some happiness in this life...but I doubt that he will. So it's true that I feel guilt- I have a great life, and his looks pretty bleak. I know that it's all based around his own choices, but it's also true that I have enough care for him not to want him to rot in the gutter or destroy his life further. It's a real mixed bag of emotions but it would genuinely be easier on me if he were in a place where he could say, "Yes I destroyed our lives. I'm sorry and I'm going to try and be better. I hope you have a happy life". It would mean that he had gained some insight into himself and wanted to be better rather than wallow in being a victim of his own choices. But that's just not reality. And that has to apply to so many people here- How do you guys deal with that? Like no matter how much I might wish, at the end of the day he made his own choices. Those who have suggested IC are right, I do need it. Looking into options right now.


He was sexualized as a child, which led to this behavior. At least he knew it was wrong. It isn't anything within your control, but he really needs to undergo therapy. But he has been in prison and there is a good chance he has already been in therapy there. He already understands what led to his behavior but he needs to air all that stuff and get the pain out. But it's not anything you can do because he wouldn't even tell you about it.

It is something you should do for yourself though. It's on him that he didn't get therapy about it even knowing he had a problem early on. Certainly this may all be also triggering you about your own abuse.

I understand why you feel sorry for him. But just remember he made all the decisions not to tell you or anybody or do anything that would have led to him getting help for his problem. But even if it had, unless he had done it early on, just being in therapy and understanding why you did it and airing your pain doesn't mean it will change your sexual urges. But he should have tried and that's on him.

And thank goodness you didn't get pregnant.


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