# very first anniversary



## MoreWeThink (Jul 26, 2015)

my husband and i fight like crazy. we have been together for over 5 years and married for almost 1. every day is a battle. when he is trying I'm too angry to see it, all the times in the past i tried he wasn't ready for it. its like the universe is constantly telling us we shouldn't be together. we separated for a few days to try and distance ourselves and it ended up being right before our first year anniversary. well the night before the anniversary we fought so badly he cancelled all the plans because i told him i didn't want to celebrate. i was angry and just lashing out, bad i know. i reap what i sow. but now i can't get out of feeling so dang disappointed and just feeling like what the heck am i doing being married? marriage is SO hard. does it get easier? does it get better? i just feel like the first year majorly sucked. any advice or words of wisdom from some married ladies would be greatly appreciative. :crying:


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

The first year can be rough for some people, especially if they didn't know each other long or well before getting married. There is a lot of adjustment and accommodation and learning and compromising that has to happen when people first move in together, and learn what their partner is really like at home.

Everyone also brings their own personal issues into a marriage, and that requires more learning and adjusting and compromising and collaborating. Some people never learned to fight fair, for example, and expect the other person to just accept their anger and outbursts and insults. Other people developed a belief that their wants and needs are more important than anyone else's. Some people are passive aggressive and sabotage their relationship with silent treatments and doing things that annoy their partner instead of opening up and communicating. Some people take each other for granted, and expect them to keeping being a great partner without ever complimenting them or being a great partners themselves.

You can both learn to be better partners to each other if there is a desire to improve your relationship and be together as life partners. You can both do some reading on how to fight fair, on how to communicate better, how to show appreciation and love, how to focus on your partners' positive traits rather than negative ones, how to fight fair, how to support each other rather than tear each other down, how to be a team. You might have to spend some time with a counselor to help you learn those important relationship skills.

But all is not lost if you BOTH want to improve things going forward. Do both of you want that? Something brought you two together - is that still there?


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

Take it easy... (on yourself, on him), the first year or two is a period of adjustment. You've got to learn the give & take.

Even though you've been in a relationship that long... I feel that most people don't really "let their guard down" until they are very solid in the relationship (married), and don't feel "threatened of the other person leaving" if they show their true feelings. Hence, the fighting can get more intense after feeling of security.

Kind of like when a teenager yells and screams how much they "hate their parents" and how they can't wait to leave.... deep down in the psyche, they know they don't have a threat of getting kicked out, so they can vent and scream, knowing the unconditional parental love will eventually forgive them.

In my opinion (others will disagree with me), I feel you need to learn to "give" more. Marriage is not 50/50.. It takes 100 percent effort. All the time. If his effort falls to under 100%, you need your effort to fill the gap, to make the marriage work. When your effort falls to under 100% (which it will, beleive me, It WILL), you need his effort to fill the gap.

Sit down and tell him your disappointed feelings. Tell him you lashed out in anger that you didn't want to celebrate, but truly, you do want to celebrate the mile-marker with him. Ask if he can forgive you, and suggest going out as a year celebration, even though you might be a week or two (or month or two) past that point. The fact is, you've made it this far, and you'd like to acknowledge that with him, and celebrate with a toast to your future together, may it be long, and filled with less fighting, and more mutual understanding in the future.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Good advice from both posters. It's going to take a lot of work on both your parts, and maybe not in the ways you expect. As hard as this is to hear, you will need to focus on changing and improving YOU that's your job. He needs to focus on changing and improving himself. Don't try to change him, and he shouldn't try to change you. Remember that.

You know how Gandhi said, "Be the change you want to see int he world?" Well, it applies on a micro scale, too. Be the change you want to see in your marriage.


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## MoreWeThink (Jul 26, 2015)

thank you all for your posts and words of wisdom.. we have been very volatile for a while and have had major issues in our past (nothing like cheating or anything) but i agree, its so easy to lash out because i know theres not much threat of him or myself leaving the situation. i can't figure out why I'm so angry lately, the last few years to be honest haven't been the best. sometimes i don't know why i got married but i did and now I'm in this and part of me whats it to work, and part of me doesn't. we fought badly today about finances and I think the thing I'm so tired of the most is pretending to everyone else how amazing marriage is and how awesome we are doing. part of me needs a longer separation and just time to see him and the relationship for what it is, in a positive light. he's a great guy but sometimes its not enough. I'm a complete ******* at times, i have a lot to work on myself, but i know part of this relationship brings out the worst in myself and i wish i understood why.


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