# Neither of us want sex.... Is this a marriage or roommate situation?



## moonpie (Oct 27, 2013)

Hi TAM. My husband (56M) & I (49F) have been married almost 11 years, together 13, but have known each other for 35+ years. My 2nd marriage, his 1st.

For the past year or so, we have both lost our libidos. We have sex maybe every 3 to 6 weeks. I had my hormones checked and had tons of lab work done 5 months ago and all was normal. He has diabetes and high BP but both are well controlled. His lab work 2 months ago was also normal.
We have almost no intimacy day to day. The emotional connection is just not there for me. He says he doesn't feel the distance between us, but he has never been a very emotional person. We have done marriage counseling and both did individual therapy a few years ago after I found out he was sexting a long-time acquaintance of ours. He was remorseful once I found out (the other woman actually sent me the messages) and he bent over backwards to try and earn my trust. Things were pretty good again after about 2 years of hard work. And things stayed pretty good for about 2 more years.
But now I'm feeling really frustrated and resentful of his messaging this other woman and a few other things. Primarily his lack of motivation - like around the house and his 2nd career (he retired last year after 21 years in law enforcement). We recently spent $14k on a school program and he worked parttime while doing online classes every morning. I was OK with this since the plan was for him to spend time studying for his certification exams. His classes were done in April but he continued to work just 20 hours a week and did not study more than maybe 4 or 5 hours a week. He refused to work fulltime as we were planning to move out of state in 3-4 months so he didn't want to start and quit a job in that short time.
We have since moved and he is now working fulltime. But he has not studied for his certifications for several weeks. He isn't doing much around the house, either. We live like roommates in many ways. We sleep in the same bed but that's about as intimate as we get. We usually kiss goodnight but it's just a quick peck. Sometimes I feel like I'm here to pay bills and take care of the house. (I make more than twice what he makes.)
I miss being wanted. I miss wanting to have sex. I miss making out. I miss snuggling. I miss the anticipation of sex. I miss the fun and closeness of intimacy.
I do enjoy our friendship. He is so easygoing and laid back. (But probably to a fault, actually, because he is kinda boring if I'm being honest.)
It's like he is too lazy to put in any effort to meet my needs. And I'm low maintenance - just spend an hour or two a week talking with me, plan a simple date night every few weeks, dance with me in the kitchen, rub my back sometimes....(and yes, I've told him these things many times).
Can people be happy like this for years? Am I settling? Do I need to appreciate what I do have and focus on the good things? I can't imagine not being with him, but I am tired of feeling like marriage is pretty meaningless.
Thanks for your input and sorry for rambling.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

did he have his Testosterone checked and who read the results as from been on here in your side of the world it can make a big difference ,


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

some times the best thing to do when you want to know about things like this is go through a few of the other topics on here , we have many with the exact same question , and a good place to start is the topic 
*Sexpectations in marriage*


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## moonpie (Oct 27, 2013)

frenchpaddy said:


> did he have his Testosterone checked and who read the results as from been on here in your side of the world it can make a big difference ,


The Dr did not check his testosterone level this time. It was low in the past and he did treatment, which did absolutely nothing to help his sex drive, unfortunately, even though his levels were then in the normal range.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Haven read your post again I am trying to find the thing that is hiding in the post , I can not normally it is my experience that the post or topic is only the tip of the ice,

THE time he was sexting that other woman you say it was 2 years of working to get the relationship back and it was good for 2 more years , I think you did the work and got through that time but while you forgive him you will not forget it and rightly so and it is coming back now as your looking for a reason ,

As I am not an expert on T and you say his DR tested and treated him 
it can be a bit like Viagra it only works if you want it to work , 

why not ask him to go with you to a marriage consoler that is a sex therapist as well


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

you first posted about this or like this back in 2013 it is time to get help or change the **** as an old man used to say when a woman asked why she could not get pregnant


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

You left out any mention of your 2013 thread, which doesn’t read that much differently from this one, except they, back then, you had discovered that porn and soli masturbation was his thing while denying you sex. In this thread you make it sound like you got past that somehow. What happened?

And the sexting the other woman in this thread… doesn’t that sound similar to the porn in the other?

What promises did you make to each other when you married? Is it possible your own use and acceptance of porn may have given him the idea there weren’t boundaries?


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

What is his weight situation?


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## hub49 (7 mo ago)

He had enough T to get excited to text the other woman and look at porn. His body and mind are wired for those things and not you. You're too young to give up on snuggles, back rubs and more.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

moonpie said:


> Sometimes I feel like I'm here to pay bills and take care of the house. (I make more than twice what he makes.)


You are exactly right. It's not just a feeling, it is a FACT. Now I am going to answer your question.

Simple. No sex = no marriage. You have roommate, not husband.

The problem is, when you divorce, you will pay through the nose, because you are primary breadwinner. I am living in the same situation as you. Except _I am dying from heart failure,
my chances of living 3 years are 1 in 3.

My work ability is slowly creeping away from me. I am fortunate that my wife loves me and helps me continue working. 

If you are going to leave, do it before you develop a major disease and become weak. Go see a lawyer. You don;t have to take any action, Just get the lawyer's advice. In my sitch it is "cheaper to keep her". That sounds so callous, but it's the plain truth. She retired 6 years ago with a minimal social-security benefit. She had a IRA but she withdrew all of it and gave it to our daughter who died from cancer after 4 years of protracted illness. I also gave heavily to keep their family going. She and her husband had pretty equal incomes but of course, hers stopped, Their house was foreclosed, they had considerable debts.

Move now. Live the rest of your life in the best way you can. I'm sorry your situation is unrewarding and provides little for you._


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

In Absentia said:


> What is his weight situation?


Good question


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

SCDad01 said:


> Good question


well, diabetes, high pressure... if you add extra weight, then you might have an explanation there.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

At 49 you’re still in your prime. I am around that age and just last night had maybe one of the best sexual encounters in my life.

Your H needs to get his ass in gear.


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## Schek (Jul 2, 2019)

TJW said:


> You are exactly right. It's not just a feeling, it is a FACT. Now I am going to answer your question.
> 
> Simple. No sex = no marriage. You have roommate, not husband.
> 
> ...


I really dislike the notion that "if you don't have sex you're just roommates". Plenty of roommates have sex (friends with "benefits"). If sex is the only thing that distinguishes husband from roommate there are far deeper issues there.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Schek said:


> I really dislike the notion that "if you don't have sex you're just roommates". Plenty of roommates have sex (friends with "benefits"). If sex is the only thing that distinguishes husband from roommate there are far deeper issues there.


It’s more like living with your sister or something. You’re family, you’re opposite sex, and (hopefully) no sex or anything romantic.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

moonpie said:


> I miss being wanted. I miss wanting to have sex. I miss making out. I miss snuggling. I miss the anticipation of sex. I miss the fun and closeness of intimacy.


You are missing a lot with 13 years invested. How will you feel after wasting another 13 years? Evidently not much has changed since 2013. He still putting his energy elsewhere.


moonpie said:


> I do enjoy our friendship.


So could you divorce amicably and remain friends?


moonpie said:


> Can people be happy like this for years? Am I settling? Do I need to appreciate what I do have and focus on the good things?


Maybe. But obviously you aren’t happy. Yes you are settling. No you don’t have to


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

I think your title is incorrect OP. It sounds like YOU do want sex, and intimacy. Just not with HIM.

and you should want to sex and intimacy, it’s important part of marriage and life.

The question is is your current situation with your husband recoverable or is it time to move on?


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## moonpie (Oct 27, 2013)

In Absentia said:


> What is his weight situation?


He is 6'6", about 260lb. All in his trunk, his arms & legs are thin.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

I don’t think you are rambling at all. Everything you said sounds valid to me. I understand that you have told him many times but you I’m going to mansplain a bit here: Was it the naggy complaining type telling him or the Let’s sit down and have a honest talk type?

Does his bick stick work ?


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## moonpie (Oct 27, 2013)

Casual Observer said:


> You left out any mention of your 2013 thread, which doesn’t read that much differently from this one, except they, back then, you had discovered that porn and soli masturbation was his thing while denying you sex. In this thread you make it sound like you got past that somehow. What happened?
> 
> And the sexting the other woman in this thread… doesn’t that sound similar to the porn in the other?
> 
> What promises did you make to each other when you married? Is it possible your own use and acceptance of porn may have given him the idea there weren’t boundaries?


Hi Casual. I completely forgot about my 2013 post so went back and read it. Things have changed a bit since then. Neither of us have really watched porn for the past few years.I haven't, anyway, and if he has he has hidden it completely. The desire for it is even gone, I think. When I ask, he says he doesn't even masturbate much anymore, maybe once a month or less.


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## moonpie (Oct 27, 2013)

Mr.Married said:


> I don’t think you are rambling at all. Everything you said sounds valid to me. I understand that you have told him many times but you I’m going to mansplain a bit here: Was it the naggy complaining type telling him or the Let’s sit down and have a honest talk type?
> 
> Does his bick stick work ?


We talked about it in counseling several times and he seemed to understand my needs and that they were reasonable. But then nothing seems to really change. 
I don't think I nag. If I do, it's really rare. I tend to bottle things up and not bring them up.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

moonpie said:


> We talked about it in counseling several times and he seemed to understand my needs and that they were reasonable. But then nothing seems to really change.
> I don't think I nag. If I do, it's really rare. I tend to bottle things up and not bring them up.


Sounds like you are on target then when it comes to conveying the message. My wife has a friend in your situation but she is younger ….. and miserable.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I'm not familiar with your other thread, but if he was choosing porn/masturbating over having sex with you, then after that, starting sexting a mutual friend...within this 11 year period of time that you've been married, you may want to reassess why you're staying with him. He may be an awesome husband in other ways, but you might have to decide if you can live with ''this side'' of him, that doesn't seem all that passionate, sexual and interested in intimacy with you. 

I'm not saying divorce over lack of sex, but there's more to it than just a few months of no sex. He has shown you now on different occasions, that he'd rather masturbate and/or sext another woman so it leads me to wonder why doesn't he sext you, what isn't he sexual with you? It could be medical/physical I guess, but I think you need to have a serious talk about your needs and that you feel lonely, honestly. I hope things get better.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

moonpie said:


> We talked about it in counseling several times and he seemed to understand my needs and that they were reasonable. But then nothing seems to really change.
> I don't think I nag. If I do, it's really rare. I tend to bottle things up and not bring them up.


Is there any accountability in your marriage? Or have each of you just kind of gone along for the ride, not wanting to rock the boat too much? What if you asked him if, 5 years ago, your relationship today is how he imagined it would be, should be? Maybe10 years ago? And he gets to ask you the same? Are you actually vulnerable with each other? 

For things to work out, you may have to take some real risks. Creating a marriage that you both find rewarding means confronting the possibility that maybe you can't get there, and it's time to move on. You've also got to look at the past and wonder if infidelity in prior marriages or relationships has created a fear that simply not cheating physically with someone is an accomplishment and something worth celebrating. 

Your husband's past use of porn, followed later by the sexting, is clearly an indication of a lack of boundaries in your marriage. You can say hey, the sexting was clear-as-mud a violation of boundaries that don't have to be talked about ahead of time. But maybe not, when porn has been allowed in the past, and suspected to be a substitute for sex between yourselves. It's ok to have an independent sexual life as long as it's not secretive (or basically anything you would be fearful of your partner discovering... that's the key to knowing a secret is wrong) and doesn't involve any sort of emotional or physical attachment.


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## moonpie (Oct 27, 2013)

Good thoughts, Casual. Thanks for that insight. Especially about infidelity in prior relationships. My first husband actually left to be with his mistress after we'd been together since high school (22 years together, 17 married, & 3 kids). He also had a few instances of inappropriate relationships and messaging other women during our marriage. 
That's partly why my husband's sexting another woman is especially hurtful. He _knew_ what my ex-husband had done and how bad it was for me. Yet he still chose to do the same thing. And we had already talked about how we shouldn't say something to someone else if we wouldn't say those things if the other one of us was listening/reading as well. 
His individual therapist and our marriage counselor both talked about his poor boundaries. He did acknowledge that and has made big improvements.


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