# Dumb, Confused.. lost..



## atomicn3rd (Mar 28, 2013)

I’ve never actually posted to a forum before, but here it goes.

Background: Wife and I are both 38, we have 2 adopted boys 3yo & 6 months. We’ve been together for 19 years, married for 9. We basically grew up together. I’ve known her since I was 16. Were friends for a loooong time before we started dating. We dated for a LOOONOG time before we got married. She is (was) my best friend. We had fights, we disagreed, and we got comfortable and took each other for granted. I ignored her, she ignored me.

About 4 years ago we found out we couldn’t have kids (because of me). I feel into a deep depression over it. Should have sought help, but I didn’t. Because of my depression she started to back off from me, started going out with friends 2-3 times a week. I was depressed and didn’t want to be around her anyway.. felt like I disappointed her. After a while things started to turn around, I was coming out of my depression we were getting close again.. and boom our first son comes up for adoption. We spent the next few years focused on him. Things between us got a lot better. We were happy, going on trips.. having crazy good sex.. being awesome.. or so I thought. Fast forward to last year, we decided that we’d like to adopt another baby. Found a Birth Mom.. everything was going great guns. She was still going out once a week with friends from work (different friends than before.. I didn’t know them.. I know.. mistake). I was also going out with friends once a week. We did it mostly just to make sure we had lives outside of the marriage. To keep balance. 

This was in May. In June she started having an affair with another man (with one of the group that she was going out with weekly.. surprise!). I didn’t find out until January (7 months later). I was loading movies on to her tablet, her gmail account was open, found all kinds of love letters, photos of the OM’s junk.. links on how to do certain sex acts better etc. 

Confronted her, and she pretty much (as far as I can verify) told me everything. The OM is a security guard newly divorced with 5 kids. She works with him (kinda.. he’s a security guard at the building she works at.. no business contact.). He was part of the group that went out weekly. The group they went out with didn’t even know that they were hooking up.

She went on a couple of trips with him, one to a music festival 10 hours away that she told me she was going to with a group of girl friends. Another on a work trip where she actually just got a hotel room and spent 2 days with him.

The thing is she never stopped the adoption. Never said “hey, we shouldn’t add another kid to this mess.” Never even showed any indication that she didn’t want to be with me anymore.

Our son (who is awesome) ended up spending a few days in the NICU before he came home (his mom was addicted to painkillers). Two days after we got him home, she was E-mailing him saying she needed to see him.

The day we went to court to finalize the adoption, she left on her “work trip.

I asked her about this later. Why did she go through with the adoption? According to her, she thought we could work on things and get better. Yeah…

I wigged. Kicked her out of the house. She moved into an apartment. Told me (no I didn’t get proof) that she had broken it off with him to work on her marriage. I had access to her Gmail account and monitored it (I still do). I asked to see her phone, she showed it to me reluctantly. I looked through saw photos of him.. photos of him with our 3 year old (holding him while watching cartoons). I also saw photos of him holding our younger son after he was born. No texts though, she had deleted them before she let me see her phone.

I asked to see her phone a few weeks later. The photos were still on there, but there didn’t appear to be any contact, but she was freaking out the entire time. “If you’re going to moitor me like this then we’re done.” I chickened out and backed off. I’ve asked since and she won’t let me see her phone. She feels I’m invading her privacy. It pisses me off, but I leave it to keep the peace. This is a huge sticking point for me, and I know I shouldn’t have backed off.

I also told my family and all of our mutual friends, Mostly for support (because I was a wreck), but it had the same effect as exposing the affair. Sadly (or not.. not sure) everyone took my side (even her parents). She hadn’t told anyone about the OM even her good friends at work. In fact, many of her friends at work were used as excuses for being out late.. etc etc. The one good friend she had a work stopped talking to her. 

Currently, she has very few friends and very little support. A couple of her work friends have started to come back around, but none of them approve of her actions.

Things the past few months have been rough. In order to keep it somewhat normal for the kids, She comes over every night until they both go to sleep (around 8pm or so) then leaves for her apartment. She texts me when she gets there and when she gets to work every morning. She actually texts me whenever she is going to do something out of the norm to let me know where she is. 

She usually spends the weekends at the house. Up until a few weeks ago, I didn’t allow her to sleep in our bed when she stayed at our house, but things started to get better so I let her crash in the bed. No cuddles / no sex.. although we usually do fall asleep holding hands.

I’ve been trying to stay strong, be aloof.. not be smothering, but it’s hard.. and I failed a lot. I’m still trying though. 

Then after a long day of flirting and feeling like a couple again I went to “make the moves” on her and she dropped the “I love you, but I’m not in love with you or attracted to you anymore”.. I don’t “lust” for you.

That actually hurt more than the affair strangely enough. Her reasoning was that she had fallen out of love with me during the marriage and didn’t say anything to keep the peace. So I asked her if she was done with the marriage? Her response.. I don’t know.. guh. 

Apparently she doesn’t want me out of her life, and I’m her best friend. I told her, that if we divorced, I couldn’t be friends with her anymore (not as a threat but as reality). I couldn’t stand to see her with other men, or see other men interacting with our children. I’d have to get used to it and I’d be polite, but I would not be her friend.

She also told me that the OM had cheated on her during the affair. He told her when she said she was breaking it off to work on our marriage. It took her almost 2 months to tell me this. 2 months of me thinking that it still wasn’t over, of thinking that the affair just went underground.

She also tells me that she doesn’t deserve me. That what she did to me was horrible and she can’t forgive herself for it. She said once that when she sees me, the hurt that she did makes her feel hollow/dead inside. That all of her guilt is reflected back on her when looking at me.

So last week, I wrote her a letter asking if her indecision about working on the marriage and her self hate was really just a way of saying “No I don’t want to be with you anymore, but I don’t want to hurt you any more than I have.” She didn’t disagree. 

I figured it was over between us. Then that afternoon she had a change of heart. Came home said she wanted to work on us, that she was committed and that she was going to see a councilor, but that she needed some space to figure out the “not in love” thing (and she didn’t say it, but I’m guessing to get over the OM). She had apparently talked to another friend (male) who cheated on his wife. He told her to stick around and try to make it work, for the kids. He and his wife worked through it and were better than they every were before.

That was a week ago. Things are bad again this week. I went on a guy trip (had been planned back in November). Cleared my head, felt like I could be a person again with out her and with out our relationship. Felt like I was moving on.. fixing myself. I sent her flowers while I was gone (an old habit), telling her thanks for watching the boys this weekend. Later I asked if she wanted to go on a Date the following weekend. Apparently, this was smothery. My feelings got hurt.. I decided to distance myself emotionally from the situation.

I actively stopped saying I love you and I miss you to her to give her space. I’ve stopped texting her and stopped asking to talk about the relationship. And she has responded in kind. I think shes still committed, but I don’t really know. We still see each other almost every day. We still interact with the kids like everything is groovy. I feel weird about it. Like the relationship is done. Like this is what divorce will be like.. Like the less we talk, the more likely she will find someone to talk to, or go back to the OM.

I feel like I’m going crazy. I still have images of them having sex (since I’ve seen the OMs junk.. and read some of their nasty E-mail to each other She also told me the sex was better with him.). I still don’t trust her, but I haven’t pushed the point on the phone. I need to move on in my head and heart, but I feel waiting on her to sort out her feelings is selfish of her. I was wronged. Why should I give a poo what feelings she has/had for the OM? Why should I be the patient one to wait and see if shes going to emotionally commit. 

So.. 

I’ve started to focus on myself.. I stopped drinking caffiene, started exercising and eating healthy. I’ve dropped 30lbs in 3 months (I’ve got more to lose, but it’s a start!). The weight loss had inspired me to keep going, to be a better person regardless of what happens.

I guess, I’m at that point where I don’t really know if I should stick around. I love her (duh), but I’m tired of throwing my efforts and love down a well. The idea of dating or living in a blended Family honestly freaks me out. I know it’s not a reason to stay, but it’s a reason to work on things.. and I do love her.

Honestly, part of me says give up, move on and find someone who respects me, finds me attractive and will be in love with me. The other part says, she is my friend. She screwed me over and hurt me, but I should give her another chance before throwing in the towel. At least for the boys and for the possibility of things being better afterwards.

So yeah, am I dumb, should I just move on? Or stick it out? What did I do wrong.. what should I do about the not attracted thing? Also, read lots of stuff telling people to MAN up and be and Alpha Male to win your wife back, but what the heck does this even mean? Be a Jerk? Don’t be a doormat? As a non Alpha male.. how do I make myself into an attractive Alpha.. (seems like such a dumb question). 

Also, if you read that wall of text.. I’m impressed.. and thank you.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

You're too nice to her. And as long as you continue to be so nice, she'll never respect you as a man that she wants to call her lover. She's more than happy to put you in the friend zone, and if you would tell her that "yes, if we divorce we could still be best friends" - she'd be walking out the door. She stays because you at least told her that you two can't be friends if you divorce. But you told her because of the pain you would feel because she'd be with someone else. Instead, I'd tell her we couldn't be friends because I'd loathe the ground you walked on because you betrayed me so deeply - and suckered me into adopting a 2nd child while our marriage was a steaming pile of excrement. 

Has she even bothered to show you any remorse at all? I'm talking actions here, not just words.


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## march16 (Mar 16, 2013)

I read it! Thanks for sharing your story, there will be someone with great advice here for you ..... unfortunately I can only suggest that you really do keep focusing on yourself and your kids, but lose the weight and look after yourself for just you and your kids - not secretly to woo her back  - go you, take care and all the best. I'm sorry it's been so rough for you.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Yes, you have to own your shortcomings, but a relationship is about communication and support. If I need help, if I am doing something detrimental to the relationship, my spouse should have my back until it is detrimental to their health and happiness. Then they should communicate they are in or out, an affair is a disgusting way to do this especially, when you continue to adopt kids. You'll hear fog, addiction and other "keywords" that will be helpful. Listew to them even if it seems harsh or spiteful.

People will come around with more eloquent advice. 

Personally, I'd be out for these reasons:


> (since I’ve seen the OMs junk.. .





> She also told me the sex was better with him.).





> Our son (who is awesome) ended up spending a few days in the NICU before he came home (his mom was addicted to painkillers). Two days after we got him home, she was E-mailing him saying she needed to see him.
> 
> The day we went to court to finalize the adoption, she left on her “work trip.


 If a baby, just out of NICU, doesn't override her sexual urges it says everything I need to know about her priorities.

Keep up the good work on yourself.


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## StillLife (Jan 19, 2013)

First I'm sorry, the rollercoaster sucks. I'm still too deep in it to offer what I feel could be solid advice, but I wanted to tell ya you're not alone. More steadfast posters will be along I'm sure.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## beautiful_day (Mar 28, 2013)

Atom, I'm so sorry you find yourself in this place. I only found out about my husband's double life last night, and so many people both here, and throughout my day today have told me "this is not your fault!" So I'm paying it forward and saying to you "THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT" You are absolutely lovely just as you are. Your wife is the one who is messed up. NOT YOU. 

I know, this all just hurts so much. I wish I could say something to lessen your pain.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Jesus man! Wake up and smell the coffee.

She's been manipulating you. Hell, she wouldn't even let you check her phone - what's that about? You're just supposed to be the good boy. 

Yeah, that cheating friend of her's whose marriage is stronger than ever probably made amends and owned up - and not just verbally. 

Don't listen to what she SAYS - tune it out - words are cheap. Watch her ACTIONS. She was callous. The OM cheated on HER and she got hurt. She's trying to rub his face in it by pretending to return to you. YOU ARE A PAWN.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

I don't believe the affair is over.

She will NEVER reconnect with you as long as she sees the other man every day. She fell in love with you once, she could do so again, but not if she sees other man at work and keeps pictures of him on her phone. SHE has to want it, it is beyond your control to make it happen.

She's no prize, that's for sure. Maybe she was once, but not now, and probably not in the future.

As far as you go, smothering is correct. She doesn't value you, you are too easy for her to possess, thus she takes it for granted. She mistakes your strong desire to keep the family together with just putting up with her sh1t. She can't figure out what happened to your pride, your dignity, and your self-respect that you could put up with her sh1t and keep coming back for more. She can't feel attraction for a man like that.

Many wayward spouses have only had their desire for their betrayed spouse after taking a hard line, filing for divorce, and moving on. Unfortunately, by that point, finally having found their self-respect, they did not want their cheating spouses back and proceeded with the divorce anyway.

File for divorce and tell her you're moving on with your life. Talk to her only about the kids and the divorce settlement. Don't keep up the pretense of the family for the kids any longer. Work out a custody schedule, let her have them some days and you get them others - not together anymore. I know this is the hardest part for you, but what you are doing now will definitely end up in failure.

Before you file, let her know that you would be willing to work it out, but she would have to give up all contact with the other man (quit her job, unless other man quit) and let you verify it by looking at her communication devices and accounts, and never deleting anything - texts, emails, browsing history - ever again (many married couples have always shared everything and hidden nothing - why would two people who swore to share their lives have messages the other could not see?)

If you do this, she might realize what she is losing and come back. She may realize it too late. More than one cheater has posted here that they realized it too late, sometimes a year or two after the divorce was final.

I think it would be a good idea to let the other man's employer know that he uses his job as a security guard to hit on married women and break up families with young children. It may help blow up the affair, which I think still is ongoing.


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## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

Wanna hear a secret?

"She also tells me that she doesn’t deserve me. That what she did to me was horrible and she can’t forgive herself for it. She said once that when she sees me, the hurt that she did makes her feel hollow/dead inside. That all of her guilt is reflected back on her when looking at me."

This is the biggest lie you can hear with your pair of ears. Make no mistake.

The old nice guy system is no more in your marriage good sir. You would be wise to subscribe to the new one, in which you expose her far and wide to that workplace of hers and serve her with proper papers.

Destroy their fantasy world. Finish them.

PS: as a side note, "She also told me the sex was better with him."?

I won't bother with finding the right words to articulate what currently is crossing my mind about your w...ife, since English isn't my main language. (hehe excuse, i have American friends who say that "your drunk English is way more interstellar than that of most Americans who claim to be sober". I just don't want to get banned you know. )


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Will Kane is spot on. Your "R" won't last longer than a fart in a tornado as soon as the security guard begs for forgiveness.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

She is still having sex with this 'man'.

To be told the sex is better with him is something that might eat you up even if you do manage to stay with your wife.

Nothing can change until you get this 'man' out of your lives.

You should perhaps show your wife that you want her. This does not include begging her to stay. It does, however, include pointing out to the posom that your wife is exactly that.

Had I not confronted the OM in a few ways, he would probably still be having sex with my ex wife...


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Couple counselling with a professional who knows how to deal with infidelity.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Dude. You are plan B. stop it.


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## HampdenMom (Mar 24, 2013)

"Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option."

That quote has been going through my head since discovering my husband's affair. 

If you are her "option", you are settling for whatever leftovers she has to give you. You and your children deserve better than that. Keep doing what you are doing to make yourself healthier and stronger, because you have a lousy road ahead and will need all your resources to be strong for your babies.

Counseling is a good option, whether or not she will go with you. It's hard enough to lose your spouse, but you are losing your best friend, too...makes it hard to know who to talk to.

So sorry you are going through this.


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## movin on (Jan 24, 2012)

She had pics on her phone with him holding your kid ? 
Damn that is fvcking wrong !!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Tell her to tell him (they are still at it) if he dare to come near you children again you will destroy him no matter what.


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## notmarriedyet (Nov 10, 2012)

you should expose the affair to their "group" of froends that goes out. 

As far as her complaining about you invading her privacy? How is a third person being involved in your relationship not your business? That's not private information just for her. It concerns you very much so. 

Please don't let her feel like you are invading her privacy. That's always just a weak way of defending themselves.


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## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

Do not be plan B. There are a lot of good women out there and your kids need one,

File D to make sure you get custody. Do not let her run off with another guy and take them.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Wow, you've really let her eat cake.

First, exposé the affair to the work friends and to friends and family,

Next, take her phone and delete every phone on it. Every last one.

Next, stop being accommodating to her. You keep being nice and she keeps abusing your kindness,

Look at the OM who she is throwing it all away for. He is a loser security guard, she breaks up with him for a couple of days and he goes out and cheats on her. AND she's still chasing him. 

Do you see that you being a doormat is driving her away?

Can you return your son to the adoption agency? Your home is not the place you said it would be. He should not have to suffer because your wife is a cheater. Why hasn't the agency taken him away from you?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Do you really want to be her Plan B? A woman who tells you sex with the other man was better?


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## Farmer_J (Jan 15, 2013)

I read your story & as I was reading it, I got angrier and angrier.

You've been with this woman for a long time. Ok, one would think she is at least devoted to you in some sense by waiting such a long time to get married.

You both adopt a child & then while you both are adopting your 2nd child, she is involved in an affair.

Uhhhh.....WTF, that is messed up. What kind of mother does this.

Then she has photos of the OM with your children....uggghh that is so disrespectful to you.

Her family knows what she has done & they disapprove.
But she still doesnt know what she wants. Ok, more exposure may not help in that respect.

Man, leave this woman. She has so much disrespect for you & I think she will do this again in the future.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Keep working on your self and in time when you find your self respect you may see what exactly this women is all about and it may not be all that good.

I also think as you continue to work on your self you will soon see that this women only brings out the worst in you and that is one thing your kids do not deserve!


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## slater (Feb 3, 2012)

Man listen to what has been said. She has zero respect for you. At least you kicked her a$$ out. God call. I would consider a visit to her office to me mr mall cop.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

To find out what the alpha means, go to amazon and get the Married Man's Sex Life Primer. You will benefit enormously from it. Don't get thrown off by the title, just get it and read.

I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation. It's going to get worse before it gets better, but it will get better. It will. Maybe not with her, but your life will get a lot better if you keep looking after yourself, and your boys! You will get angry at some point, take that anger to the gym, use it there. Stick around TAM for a while, you can get a lot of guidance and support here.


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## ShootMePlz! (Oct 5, 2008)

Nuke the security guard!!! They will drop him immediately so their company doesn't lose the contract!! 

Sad to say I foresee her leaving, then hooking up with another guy then having a bio kid while pulling away from her adopted kids!!! Its the big worry when one parent is the one who can't have kids male or female!!! Good Luck!!!


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

ShootMePlz! said:


> Nuke the security guard!!! They will drop him immediately so their company doesn't lose the contract!!
> 
> Sad to say I foresee her leaving, then hooking up with another guy then having a bio kid while pulling away from her adopted kids!!! Its the big worry when one parent is the one who can't have kids male or female!!! Good Luck!!!


Quoted for truth. TWICE.

Security guard contracts are insanely competitive. They will drop him so fast. Revenge IS a dish best served cold. Dont tell me you want to be nice. I want to hear you serve your revenge at absolute zero.

Dont discount the bio baby thing. YOU are the best hope for those kids.


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## totallyunexpected (Nov 21, 2012)

Like all have said here, stop being nice. You the BETRAYED spouse sent her the CHEATER flowers while on your guys' night out??????? Something is totally messed up here. She is getting all signals from you that you will hang around until SHE kicks you out of her life. Unless you change your behavior and mindset, she is right. 

Don't let her control the situation. You can't control her behavior, but as many have said again and again on TAM, you can draw limits for what you are willing to put up with. You control what you put up with by divorcing when it's too much.

Another important piece of advice that floats around here is that it is only when you are willing to give up your marriage that reconciliation is possible. Until the selfish WS realizes that they are losing their whole life, they will continue. Our pain (I'm a BS) will not change their behavior. Only the cost imposed on a selfish person will change their analysis. 

It was only when I printed out the divorce papers AND WAS SERIOUSLY READY IN MY MIND TO END IT that he has changed and is desperately trying to save our marriage. I've stopped trying. The less I try, the more he does. It's all because he realizes what he is losing. My pain never changed his behavior even though he acted remorseful. Their world needs to be shocked. They need to feel that total loneliness is imminent in their lives.

Please stop being nice. You don't have to mean. Just be cold. Do not ever say "I love you" and "I miss you" or talk about the future. Don't let her believe a future is possible with such a behavior.

In every single case I have seen on TAM, when a cheater is unwilling to forgo "their privacy" in order to save a marriage, that means they are still carrying on with their affair. She is still cheating on you - I'm sorry. You can't stop her directly, but you can stop putting up with her behavior. You can prepare your heart for the end. Once you are ready to be done, seriously ready, she may realize what she will lose and decide to reconcile. (Note, you can start filing for divorce and cancel it later.)

Finally, you said you have access to her gmail, right? Most cheaters are savvy enough to delete their browser history. However, go into her google account and "enable web history". She won't know that google is recording her every search. So if she searches for a hotel, but then deletes it from the email browser, the search will still be recorded in her google account. Also, it records google searches from any other location - so long as they are signed into their email account. So if she searches from her phone - you can have access to that too.

Hang in there. You are not dumb. You are confused and lost - understandably. Take the advice here seriously. Too much wisdom, earned the hard way, is here for you.


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## atomicn3rd (Mar 28, 2013)

First off,

Thank you everyone for responding. I’ve read this thread a couple of times to try to determine what my next steps are going to be. I picked up the Married Man’s guide to sex (which is actually pretty good.. although I’m guessing it’s a bit too late for that right now).

Sooo update. 

Last Friday She had taken our youngest to a Dr. Appt. then texted me to ask if I could pick up our oldest from preschool. I said sure, but in a weird moment decided to track her phone using GPS. Found out she was actually at the OMs house. I drove over there and saw her talking to the OM. Didn’t get out of my car. Just sat and watched. She saw me and mouthed something like “well ****, there’s Doug”. The OM then proceeded to walk inside the house, but never looked at me or in my direction. She got in her car.. and drove off.

I flipped. 

She came home and said.. “Before you kick me out, let me explain.. I saw him in the hallway today and he told me he had some old toys for our kids (some toys that they apparently purchased together during the affair.. before I found out about it).. and that I should come pick them up… I was just over there picking them up.” I said, “were old toys more important that our marriage.” Which she didn’t answer. She apologized and said she was going to tell me about it later. (Riiiight).

I demanded to see her phone. She showed it to me. The photos of him were still on there, but there was no overt communication between them. (I checked pretty thoroughly.. but that doesn’t mean she hasn’t been deleting his texts/phonecalls/Email)

So what I should have done was kick her out, go on full separation and start talking to an atty. I didn’t. We had a trip planned to see some friends, and our son was really excited to see them. So we went.

(I know.. I’m dumb).

The weekend was ok, but seeing them together has been eating me up from the inside.

I’ve been going to an IC for a while now. It was meant to be an MC, but she’s only been to 2 sessions. I’ve asked her to go, but there is always an excuse. I found out last night that she is going to start going to an IC, but a different one than the MC. I’m not exactly sure why this bothered me, but it did.

She has also requested a “Date Night” with our oldest to bring him over to her apartment and hang out with just him. This also hit me wrong.

So tonight, this is what I’m going to do.

A.)	Ask, if she is committed to working on us. If she wants to try to work things out.. what she wants to do. (I fully expect the answer to be I don’t know, but I feel like I should allow one more chance).
B.)	If her answer is I don’t know I’ll say this:
“I love you, but I’m not going to put up with your fence sitting and your affair anymore. I need to be away from you for a while to figure out if I even want to try to salvage this marriage.” Separation. No contact for 2 weeks. We split custody of the kids. She isn’t allowed in the house. After those 2 weeks we sit down and see where we are at. If she’s still on the fence and I’m still undecided then we go no contact for another 2 weeks.. or maybe a month. If she’s still undecided.. then I start the divorce proceedings and move on with my life.

The point of this really isn’t for her, mostly because I don’t think she is coming back, but it’s for me. I need to start focusing on myself and my boys. I need to get out of the limbo and start trying to heal from this.. and the longer this goes on.. the crazier I get.

The thing is, if she wants to come back and work on the marriage, then she has to do her fair share ofthe work. Not me. I didn’t do this, nor do I deserve to be with someone that will do this to me. I also deserve to be with someone who wants to be with me.. Knows that I’m an option A.

Anyway, Thoughts? Feel free to beat me up for being dumb.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

atomicn3rd said:


> So tonight, this is what I’m going to do.
> 
> A.)	Ask, if she is committed to working on us. If she wants to try to work things out.. what she wants to do. (I fully expect the answer to be I don’t know, but I feel like I should allow one more chance).
> 
> ...


She will say she *is* committed. I am going to be rather blunt here: I think you want her to say that as it will give you an excuse to do nothing. She is leading you on. She is cake eating. You have been told this.

She is walking all over you. She is having regular sex with another man and you know and she knows you know and he knows you know and they are laughing at you.

Tell her it is over. You cannot regain your marriage unless you are prepared to let it go.

If you ask her anything, you are giving her control. She has been abusing you emotionally for ages and she will continue to do so.

Do not ask her. She has given you the answer in ACTIONS you don't need words as they count for nothing - just as your marriage vows counted for nothing.

Good luck. You'll need it.


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## Doyle (Mar 6, 2013)

Sorry mate but I think your letting her off.

Its time to lawyer up and give her the hard word.

Just my point of view but bringing another child into all this is about as poor as it gets, and letting your eldest hang out with this guy runs pretty close.

Sorry but that's how I see it.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

File.


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## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

atomicn3rd said:


> First off,
> 
> Thank you everyone for wresponding. I’ve read this thread a couple of times to try to determine what my next steps are going to be. I picked up the Married Man’s guide to sex (which is actually pretty good.. although I’m guessing it’s a bit too late for that right now).
> 
> ...


The time to focus on you and the boys is now, They need a strong father and you need to start being one.

File D and move on. Do not live like this nor let your boys grow up like this.

You will be surprised how many women love a good dad and will help raise them in a loving home.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Sorry, she has you pegged for a chump. You willingly play the fool - that's a fact. Your words are meaningless. Totally devoid of meaning, as are hers. 

You both play with words but your actions and her's are the real barometer. You can both play this game until the OM gets a better job. In the meantime, he gets her lust, you get to pay for her good times, vacations, and are a right handy babysitter. 

Eventually, you'll turn the page. But it looks like you will be in a "chase her" mode. She has lost all respect for you - and with good reason. How can anyone respect someone who has no self-respect?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Stop getting played!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

And why would you ask anything from this women?

From were I'm sitting your old lady should be the one doing the asking....asking for what ever but my point is until you can "just let her go" she will continue to effect the dynamics of your individual life....she is defining you...you lack the indifference she diserves.

Is she just sucking you in more and more or do you want to hold on to what once was and may never be again?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

She is lying about why she met him. you realize that right?


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Thorburn said:


> File.


on her ass!


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## atomicn3rd (Mar 28, 2013)

So… update.. 

Probably my last.

I did confront her last night. It went as I expected.

She is still in love with the OM. and thinks things are unresolved with them. She is afraid to commit to me because of our past.. doesn't want the marriage to be like it was. 

That threw me into cool indifference.

I told her that because of what happened and continues to happen.. I had to set boundaries for myself to heal. She didn’t respect me or our family and that I’m done with that, and I’m going to move on. I want no contact with her.

We will of course have to see each other when it comes to the kids.. and that will be tough for a while,

We are now separated. I've gotten the number of a good lawyer. I've changed the password to our checking account (2 separate accounts with a shared Login and password). Was thinking about changing the locks on the house.

I've set up a custody schedule. She gets the kids half of the week I get the kids the other half.. Split the weekends.

And that’s that. 

Anyway, thanks y’all for listening/reading. This poop sucks.


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

Please stick around. This is a safe place to discuss, vent, and sometimes even celebrate. 
You can also be of help to others that, unfortunately follow in your footsteps.


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

So let me get this straight? Your wife does not LOVE you, RESPECT you, Want to have SEX with you, Want to be SEEN with you, she likes to LIE to you. Have I missed ANYTHING?

What, you do not think that you can do better? DROP THIS POS! Just walk away, Life is way too short to put up with this crab(SP)
I will bet you will say something about the time you have spent together. That doesn't MATTER any more!

Start a new life! Please, start a new life without this POS!


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

Keep us updated on your life. Thank you.


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## atomicn3rd (Mar 28, 2013)

DavidWYoung said:


> So let me get this straight? Your wife does not LOVE you, RESPECT you, Want to have SEX with you, Want to be SEEN with you, she likes to LIE to you. Have I missed ANYTHING?
> 
> What, you do not think that you can do better? DROP THIS POS! Just walk away, Life is way too short to put up with this crab(SP)
> I will bet you will say something about the time you have spent together. That doesn't MATTER any more!
> ...


Respect? No.. We have had sex.. She says she loves me (not in love with me) we have done many things together post Finding out. She's basically in limbo & is still in love with the OM.. I had to tap out because I need to move on..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

atomicn3rd said:


> Respect? No.. We have had sex.. She says she loves me (not in love with me) we have done many things together post Finding out. She's basically in limbo & is still in love with the OM.. I had to tap out because I need to move on..
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The promise of sex is a tantalizing prospect, after all she is your wife, it is your "natural right"..right?er

No matter how you play it, as long as you keep that particular attachment you'll 
a) Keep up the faint hope of reconciliation
b) Allow her to cake eat while she pines for OM and strings you along.

Congratulations on taking what must have been some truly gut wrenching actions. But you must detach totally, even though you've separated no one knows you better than she does. Keeping that attachment will enable her to continue as is...enjoying both worlds.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

I'm sorry it's worked out like this for you.

Please keep posting if you can. It sometimes helps just to offload and people on here do care and know what you are going through.

Good luck and stay frosty.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Atomic,

In the end, you did what you should have done weeks ago by telling her you are moving on. What did your hesitation cost you? Extra weeks of anguish, the purgatory of false hope, and missing on a that small window of opportunity to serve up consequences that "might" have blown the affair up in time.

I'm not trying to pile on. I made a lot of mistakes when I was a newly BS. But it's still not too late to do the one thing you should have done immediately. EXPOSE them. For two reasons - because the POSOM f**cking deserves it; and to keep your wife from re-writing you as the bad guy to her friends and family.

Then move on with your life. You don't realize it now, but one day you will;you'll be much better off without her.


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## atomicn3rd (Mar 28, 2013)

So I said I wasn't going to update anymore, but things have changed (not for the better.. well I guess in a way.. whatever).

Found out last week that she actually has a phone for him on her mobile account. Called it and confronted him, also downloaded as many of the call logs as I could before getting kicked out. She never stopped texting or calling him, and is actually getting calls from a blocked number for looong amounts of time. So I’m guessing she may even be cheating on the OM.

Went and met with a lawyer the next day, and started the process for filing.

That afternoon, I found out that this wasn't the first affair, in fact it probably wasn't even the second. Talked to an old friend of hers that she hadn't talked to in years. Said she stopped being friends with her as soon as she found out about the earlier affair. The earlier affair just happened to coincide with the adoption of our first son (who is now almost 4) and went on for over a year.

Suffice to say, I filed & she was served on Monday. I haven’t really talked to her since. 

It’s dumb and I’m dumb.. I didn't want it to end this way, but I couldn't keep doing what I was doing.

I need to grieve and move on. So yeah. Going to start a cross fit class later this week and start working on myself & hopefully.. eventually find someone worth my time, love, and energy. I’m kind of holding on to that right now, because everything else seems pretty bleak. Focus on the future, focus on me an the boys.

The terrible part is, even though I don’t want to be with her anymore… I still have feeling for her.. part of me still wants her back (I know.. I know).. it’s going to take a while to kill those feelings off.

Anyway, I know this story is just a drop in the bucket on this forum, but thanks to y’all for reading and for the advice. Y’all were right, I should have done this a LOONG time ago.


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## whatslovegottodowithit? (Jan 6, 2013)

Good for you! Get your sanity back and prepare for the ensuing legal battle!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

It shall pass man. You are going to be just fine.

Something she said in you first post was the naked truth; she didn't deserve you. I'd add she never deserved your kids either.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

atomicn3rd said:


> I need to grieve and move on. So yeah. Going to start a cross fit class later this week and start working on myself & hopefully.. eventually find someone worth my time, love, and energy. I’m kind of holding on to that right now, because everything else seems pretty bleak. Focus on the future, focus on me an.


Insert usual crash and burn pep talk. Great attitude btw.

Mrs N3rd v2.0 is out there. This one with the loyalty chip pre-installed. Picture in your mind the day you hear I love you and see loving eyes looking back at you. No guile, no guilt. Just her love. Think about how insanely intense that new love sex is going to be!

You class and workout idea and plan for ending it are sound sir. Execute your plan!


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

> I still have feeling for her.


Losing feelings is a process. It will happen over a period of time just like developing feelings for someone. Don't worry too much about it.

And yeah, make sure the mutual friends know about the continued deception. Including her parents


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

I am glad you finally found out the real her. This will help you move on from her and emotionally away from her. Good luck!


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