# Afraid of my feelings



## Guditta (Sep 11, 2014)

I've been married for 15 years. I met my husband 20 years ago, I was a 16 year old motherless kid, he was 13 years my senior. My father died 2 years after I met him, I was only 18. At home there wasn't really a support system for me to deal with the grief, my older siblings dealt with their pain and their lives, I felt abandoned. I found a family in my then boyfriend's family and lived with them for some time before we decided to get married. I was 21 and he was 34 when we married. 
I'm very aware that my decision to get married wasn't based on love but security. He became the father figure I yearned for. My marriage could never have been a happy one as I never felt equal to him, I'm always the 16 year old child, and that's exactly how he treats me, like a 16 year old!
In the past 15 years I've grown up and in a totally different direction to my husband. I'm a calm and relaxed person who's happy and grateful for life most of the time. He's a panic station! I suffer from anxiety when he's around as I'm thinking what is he going to panic about this time round! I live my life full of passion, I love the arts, I love to travel and live the moment. My husband is the opposite, a banker who thinks in terms of numbers and a holiday is a waste of time. 
What is of concern to me is the fact that over time I'm growing increasingly resentful of my decision to marry young and resentful of him for even dating me when I was still a kid. I'm afraid of my feelings as I'm not the resentful type, I can be and I can find reasons to be as my childhood was very difficult, but I choose the good wolf in me most of the time but I can't get rid of this resentful feeling. 
I love him as a human being, he's been there for me and literally fathered me for the last 20 years but I don't want a father, I want a husband. I would like to fall in love for the first time with my soul mate out there, I'd love to kiss my lover for the first time and feel something in my heart. 
I know I did everything wrong, I shouldn’t have gotten married and I can't forgive myself. We never had kids as we always felt our relationship is not right and now I'm 36, he's 49 and I look back and cry for the time we wasted. My kids should be 10 years old instead I have none. It's ironic how in my life the only thing I've ever wanted was to have a family, but it's the only thing that has always eluded me. 
I'm so afraid of my feelings and so afraid of leaving him, I'm the object of his affection, the only women who ever paid any attention to him so I know he will emotionally blackmail me like he's always done. 
I feel I'm going through a crisis in my life at the stage, it’s like I've been living a lie for all of this time. It's not enough for me to be loved anymore, I want to love back.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

So you know what to do. You don't need anyone to tell you.
Just be 100% sure this is what you want, snd that you have exhausted all means to get what you want with him, instead of without him. Yes, it is a shame that this took 20 years for you to decide, and hpthat now, at his age, he is facing being 50 and starting his life over. But I suppose that's better than waiting another 20 years...

You can look at it like, maybe for once, you're now going to be the more mature person. What you're going to do is free him to be loved by someone, too. It is not fair to him to he in a marriage where he is not loved. 

And whatever you do, don't hurt him financially in the process. He didn't do anything wrong to deserve this, so the least you can do as you rip out his heart is leave his wallet intact.


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## Guditta (Sep 11, 2014)

It's true, it's not fair on him. He deserves to be loved 100% like any other human being and I would be selfish to stay. It's not gonna be easy, he is my family and my best friend and I'm dying just thinking I'm gonna hurt him. 
I don't need financial assistance, I can cope on my own and I've always helped him achieve what he wants professionally to the extent that I agreed to sell our matrimonial home so he can set up finance company. 13 years on I have no regrets and I'm proud of what he achieved and the name he built for himself!
Thanks for advise.


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

If I were him and learned you feel this way I would be very disappointed and angry with you... then I'd throw you out.


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