# Asking for "proof" of the truth



## believer (Apr 22, 2008)

Hello All - I have posted before & some of you may have read may have read a little history. Just to bring everyone up to speed ( abreviated version) - so you can give me your thoughts on this subject. 

My husband have been married for 12 years, and seperated for 2 months now (by my request). It was my hope that during this seperation we would work on ourselves & evaluate what we could do make things better, if we did decide to work things out. I also thought that this might be more major "wake up call " to my husband that I am serious about this decision & that I no longer will allow him to disrepect me as he has done in the past. 

He had an affair ( which I found out about in '95 while pregnant with our 2nd child). He denied my accusations for 2 months before admitting it. In marriage counseling said he wanted to work on us & would cut contact with the other woman but he did not. And thus, has a child with her now. Basically he has lied to me about many things in the past and not really sure what I can believe anymore. Did think he finally did break it off with the other woman, ( mother of his other child) but have had my doubts but yet has had continued contact with other woman due to child. So basically, wanted to illustrate -that he has lied in past and has proven in numerous instances that he will only tell the truth unless he is presented with undeniable proof before the truth comes out. 

I had really hoped & believed we could work through this. I was willing to forgive & try to work on us. However, time & time again, he has disappointed me. I do not want to end our marriage but am really thinking that I don't have much other choice due to his continued lying. 
While seperated, I snooped in his wallet & found a receipt for an expensive dinner - that wasn't with me. I have not asked him about it because I don't expect an honest answer. ( isn't that sad?). Most of me says - that should be "it"/over/kaput- no more chances. And if I am to that point of not trusting his answers now- then what am I waiting for.. . .

Maybe I am justifying or looking for excuses. But I keep thinking, what if I make a decision based on "this receipt" & I am wrong? . . . Even though the history thus far since I 1st suspected an affair have usually been right, I still doubt myself to make such a monumental decision. 
What I was considering, was asking my husband to show me "proof" that he is being truthful now. One of several ways I was thinking this could be accomplished would be to ask him to show me his "work emails" & review his recent bank statements. That way if I find something (which I am pretty sure I will) I would know it isn't just a hunch. I wouldn't doubt myself that maybe I jumped to a conclusion about the recent reciept. 
However, as many mention, I have to be ready to "see" the truth spelled out in black & white. And maybe it will be too hurtful? Maybe if I just end it now, it would save me the additional pain of not knowing all the details & the depth of all his lies? 
Maybe my husband & I can end on better terms for the sake our mental health & our relationship for the kids. Also for me not being so bitter if I do find what I think I might. 

Gar888 mentioned in one of their posts, that they felt guilty asking their spouse to check their emails. A part of me feels a little guilt too but I feel somewhat entitled to ask after all that has happened. I feel that with my husband record of lying, he MUST PROVE to me that he is telling the truth. 
Am I right to feel guilty for asking? 
Am I right for asking OR if because I have to ask - that should say it all - that there is no trust. 

Your thoughts & comments are appreciated. . . .


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Your husband is the one who created the trust issues, not you. Is it normal to feel guilty when snooping on your spouse? Yes but until he earns that trust back he will have to accept your need for transparency. If you feel that following up on him is the only way you can rebuild that trust you need to speak to him and tell him. To use an old political quote from the 80s, trust but verify. If you demand to see his work emails you will need to be in a position to do it immediately so he has no time to cover. Be aware that there are many ways for him to hide things from you so be thorough. If he is truly being honest with you then give him his due credit and thank him. Good luck.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

As amp said your husband is responcible for his own actions, and he should be willing to proof he is telling you the truth otherwise you are right back where you were, and frankly you deserve better.

draconis


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

believer said:


> Maybe I am justifying or looking for excuses. But I keep thinking, what if I make a decision based on "this receipt" & I am wrong? . . . Even though the history thus far since I 1st suspected an affair have usually been right, I still doubt myself to make such a monumental decision.


I can totally understand why you feel this way. You are not taking this decision lightly and have not up until this point, so I would do whatever is in line with you feeling good about the decision you make leaving no stone unturned. At this point, the last thing you want if you decide to leave is to forever question the details.


believer said:


> However, as many mention, I have to be ready to "see" the truth spelled out in black & white. And maybe it will be too hurtful? Maybe if I just end it now, it would save me the additional pain of not knowing all the details & the depth of all his lies?
> ...
> A part of me feels a little guilt too but I feel somewhat entitled to ask after all that has happened. I feel that with my husband record of lying, he MUST PROVE to me that he is telling the truth.
> Am I right to feel guilty for asking?
> Am I right for asking OR if because I have to ask - that should say it all - that there is no trust.


It sounds to me the biggest struggle you have had throughout has been with trust, so at this point I would think anything you need to do to regain trust is the only way to move forward together or to reassure yourself leaving is the right decision.

It seems to be way past the point of throwing you bones or bits of truth to appease you. He needs to spill it all and have enough respect for you to allow you to decide where you go from here.

I do think based on the past, that you are entitled at this point and shouldn't feel guilty for wanting to have an open, honest relationship. You deserve that.


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