# Just want to get it out there and would appreciate words of wisdom.



## qwerty22 (Feb 13, 2013)

So, I have been married for a little over 2 years. I've been with my wife for going on 7 years. We do not have any children and are currently not trying. I guess like all marriages we've had our ups and downs, but as time has gone on, I'm really questioning if this is right for us. We are between 24-28 yrs old. We fuss quite often and really never have fun together, as our definitions of fun have come to differ pretty dramatically in the past few years.
The biggest issue for me is that we are not intimate very often anymore, like once per month, if that. I've always had more drive than her in this department, but it has really dropped off since we've been married..After many talks, fights, and crying sessions, she has told me a reason that this is happening. Before we were married, in college, we broke up over the summer of our junior year. Unbeknownst to me, a good friend of mine at the time had told her he had feeling for her and we were in the 3rd year of our relationship, and she had found out I had lied to her for over a year about tobacco use (yes, I'm being serious) and I'm not the easiest person to be around (always right, heavily opinionated, and selfish admittedly); so she broke up with me. She started seeing my then friend without my knowledge and continued to randomly contact me because she still had feeling for me, and I her. I found out about them shortly after and confronted both of them(I believe her that she never cheated). When school started back, they broke it off and she pursued us getting back together. After we were pretty much back together, she confessed that she had been intimate with him, even though she swore they had not up until then. She has not forgiven herself still for this. It still weighs very heavily over her and she feels extremely guilty. 
While I understand where she is coming from, I still have needs that aren't being met, and she agrees it is a problem. She was my first, and I was hers, which in my mind was fair and I had no issues, but this has also caused BIG problems with ever present resentment and jealousy on my part ever since.
We were planning on getting married before this incident and I proposed about 1.5 yrs after this. We we married in 2010.
Our life plans have also changed over the years, sort of. I've never been fond of children, and she has known that, but she keeps bringing up the topic and tries to make me feel guilty. She also wants to go back to school, not grad school mind you, a complete career change. She currently works at corp headquarters and is unwilling to look at any other position, even though she has literally hundreds of possibilities. While we do what I would consider above average for our age, we can't afford for her to quit and go back to school. BUT, I've been given the ultimatum, school or kid, and kids aren't happening anytime soon. I'm not ready for kids and would resent them.
There's more, but those are the bigger issues right now.
She is a very good person though and loves me with every bit of her being. I know this to be true. I don't wish her any sadness or pain. I don't want to hurt her. I really do love her and she is my best friend. But I'm not happy, at all.
Its been like this for nearly a year. Each day, I can tell that I'm getting worse at faking happiness and I know that she can tell. I think that we may have grown apart over the years and want different things. I lash out sometimes because I'm so unhappy and hurt her feelings, which makes me feel terrible because I hurt her. But to be completely honest, if all of our problems were gone tomorrow, I don't think it would change anything.
I've suggested counseling, I've told her my concerns. The only thing I haven't said is that I'm thinking about leaving. I'm scared to be that honest with her. It will devastate her, even if it never happens, just talking about it will do damage.
But, am I wrong for wanting to be happy, fulfilled, and to have a live not filled with resent and anger? Should I not go ahead and do something while we're still young? I'm sorry for the extremely long post but I needed to get it out. Any input would be greatly appreciated.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

qwerty22 said:


> But, am I wrong for wanting to be happy, fulfilled, and to have a live not filled with resent and anger? Should I not go ahead and do something while we're still young?


Do you really think that anyone would tell you that NO as a response to those questions? The way you worded the questions, it’s clear that you are half out the door.

How often are the two of you having sex? 

Her telling you that either she goes back to school or has children is wrong. These types of big life changes must be done only if there is mutual agreement. 

If you are as unhappy as you say, then leave her.


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## qwerty22 (Feb 13, 2013)

Average is about 1-2 times a month.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

q,

Whatever you do, don't cave in on the pregnacy issue! I fear that if you did, you'd eventually be dealing with a divorce involving kids.

So you've been married for 3 years and your frequency is only 1 or 2 times a month? At your ages, the two of you should still be all over each other!

This issue of frequency will only get worse if she goes back to school or you have kids.

I think you need to think about leaving


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## Sillyputty (Jan 22, 2013)

There are sooooo many _issues _here I would seriously think about leaving... at least grow some nads and raise this discussion with your wife. Of course it will be painful but you must get all cards out on the table. Lots of soul searching needed here, be honest with her and with yourself. Sometimes it takes severe conflict to bring about change.


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

Sillyputty said:


> There are sooooo many _issues _here I would seriously think about leaving... at least grow some nads and raise this discussion with your wife. Of course it will be painful but you must get all cards out on the table. Lots of soul searching needed here, be honest with her and with yourself. Sometimes it takes severe conflict to bring about change.


I would agree, I can feel the resentment ozing out of your post. 

Will it be unpleasent? Yes, but love hurts sometimes. Who wants to go through life unhappy?


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