# Heating Up



## Secondguessing (Mar 6, 2017)

My wife's lawyer is insisting that I answer questions about my marijuana use from 20 years ago or she will cancel mediation. I thought mediation was non-adversarial? My gut tells me they just want to get the court ordered mediation out of the way and go to trial.

Maybe I shouldn't have fired my lawyer so fast.

Anyway, I honestly answered everything asked to the best of my ability about 20 years ago - 10 years before I even met my wife - and then I said I just want one question answered under penalty of perjury: Is there any possible chance that my second daughter is not my biological daughter? I specifically asked my lawyer to ask that question and she didn't.

Is there something wrong with that question?
They get to ask about marijuana use from 20 years ago but I can't ask if this kid is really mine?


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## Shinobi (Jan 24, 2012)

Quick question, if it is court ordered mediation how can her lawyer cancel it, presumably the court over rules on that one? If not then your wife and lawyer are in the driving seat and most certainly are just pushing this back to court for trial.

I am by no means up on how the courts and legal systems work, but I would have thought if there is doubt over parentage it is perfectly suitable to ask the question and for proof, after all it is a very simply thing to have done. Perhaps you can stick to your guns and raise it yourself as you go to court, if not perhaps engage with another lawyer to get a better idea or better representation.

This does sound a tough situation for you but do not despair, I would say things like asking about you from so long back and pre meeting your wife is about bully boy tactics. Just keep calm, keep your wits about you and be honest like you say. Good luck


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Secondguessing said:


> My wife's lawyer is insisting that I answer questions about my marijuana use from 20 years ago or she will cancel mediation. I thought mediation was non-adversarial? My gut tells me they just want to get the court ordered mediation out of the way and go to trial.
> 
> Maybe I shouldn't have fired my lawyer so fast.
> 
> ...


You need to be very careful! If they can prove you have recently smoked pot and you admit to smoking as far as 20 years back they can claim long term drug use and impaired judgement, which will not weigh in your favor, especially when it comes to child custody and visitation. Of coarse if those things are true then maybe they have a valid issue.

You need to assume anything her legal team is doing is for their advantage, they will not send random questionnaires, they are building a case against you and by answering their questions you are helping them. I would answer nothing until the mediation meeting, and then I would only follow the courts direction. 

If she is being represented by legal council you should be too, a lawyer knows the law and you probably don't and could end up getting screwed over. As far as a paternity test you can ask all you want but it will take a court order or some good negotiating skills to compel her to comply.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

Get your lawyer back ASAP


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

“He who represents himself has a fool for a client” - Abraham Lincoln. After many years working for and against lawyers, I now know that there is fair, justice and then there is the law. When asked about things I did 20 years ago, I respond that I cannot remember. Let them try to prove you can remember. Get an attorney or you will be raked over the coals and paying for your wife's house/apartment, care and everything else a smart attorney can get out of you. Obviously they are going to use your marijuana use against you. As far as paternity goes, the husband is presumed to be the father if he was married to the mother during its conception and birth. If you signed the birth certificate you are attesting that you are the father. You can spend a fortune to take her to court and have a court decide but you will need a good reason for it. Even if paternity determines that the child is not biologically yours, you will probably still be on the hook for child support. In any event, the child looks at you as the father and do you really want to change that? You can ask your wife to take a DNA test because every child deserves to know who their biological father is and also for possible genetic medical problems. She will probably deny you out of spite though.

I am not a lawyer. I just watch a lot of paternity court TV and read stories about law and marriage.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How old is your child?

Do you see your child?

You can do a DNA test all on your own. They are sold at every drug store. Buy one. Run the test. Find out if she's your biological daughter.

There are probably two reasons that they are probably not answering that question. One is that a lot of men will start saying that the children are not their biological children to try to get out of child support. Or they do it to slam the mother of their children during divorce. Whether or not the child is your biological child makes no difference in divorce. If you put your name on the birth certificate you took responsibility for the child. And since you are married to the mother of the child, the law assumes that you are the legal father of any children she has while married to you.


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## Secondguessing (Mar 6, 2017)

I have these moments of euphoria that this new life is before me and the one thing that kills that thought is if either of my kids aren't mine. You are all correct to an extent - my daughter is now 7 y/o and no family court judge would care. But I could sue her in civil court and that's exactly what I would do. I would definitely expose it. I could just be paranoid.

I am representing myself in mediation only and I'll get a lawyer for any court appearance. I already honestly answered the interrogatories so nothing I can do about that. These are the settlement offer options that I came up with:

Settlement Offer Option 1
1.	Child Support: I pay a variable amount of child support as per the Indiana Child Support Calculator, which would be updated to include my most current salary, reasonable medical contribution, no afterschool or summer camp expenses added in and cost associated with my visitation included in the calculation. 
2.	Visitation: Two Skypes per week, social media, two weeks at Christmas in New Jersey or Arkansas and seven weeks during summer in China.
3.	Debt: Either we assume responsibility for our own debt or we include my student loan and credit card debt in the calculation.
4.	Wife’s Income: Updated to reflect her yearly income.
5.	Assets: 55/45 split in her favor.
6.	My Share: Paid Soonest

Settlement Offer Option 2
1.	Child Support: I pay a fixed amount of child support as per the Indiana Child Support Calculator based on my 10 year average yearly income to include periods of unemployment, reasonable medical contribution and no afterschool or summer camp expenses added in. 
2.	Visitation: Two Skypes per week, social media, two weeks at Christmas in New Jersey or Arkansas and seven weeks during summer in China.
3.	Debt: I split only the credit card costs associated with the furniture purchase.
4.	Wife's Income: Updated to reflect her yearly income.
5.	Assets: 60/40 split in her favor.
6.	My Share: Deferred for agreed upon number of years.


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## Secondguessing (Mar 6, 2017)

Provisional orders state that I can skype with my daughters every Saturday or Sunday night.
Yesterday I called and they said they were going to a sleep over and to call back tomorrow.
I called back today and no answer.

She is violating court orders and what can I do?
Well so far:

I contacted the police.
I contacted her supervisor at her job.
I contacted her lawyer

What else can I do?


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## james5588 (Mar 22, 2017)

Just a thought...

But wouldn't answering that be self-incriminating and therefore subject to taking the Fifth?

But this seems after the fact anyway since you already responded.

As far as the Skype visits, I would not call her employer - her lawyer will argue harassment. Best thing is to keep a record, write a letter to the court, copy the guardian ad litem, and cc her attorney. State that you understand the occasional mistake but that that pattern constitutes parental alienation which ultimately only harms the child....

Good luck!


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Get a good piranha family attorney, who will have absolutely no problem in going after her a$$, or at least bring your old attorney back into the fray, with the added caveat that "they grow some teeth!"

Answer nothing from their side, only except by direct order of the bench!

And have your lawyer draw up a few acceptable resolutions if your own! After all, in the event of future loggerheads, the court will visit all suggestions and will likely apply one that will be equitable for both sides!

Lastly, stay clean and get off of the pot ~ period! More especially with kids in your life!!*


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

james5588 said:


> Just a thought...
> 
> But wouldn't answering that be self-incriminating and therefore subject to taking the Fifth?
> 
> ...


*Contingent upon the age of the kids, the Court, if requested by either side, can appoint a child  ad litem  who will have the children's interests at hand and who both sides would have to report their welfare to!*


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Secondguessing said:


> What else can I do?


You need a lawyer. You're getting screwed over already and you have no idea you are doing it to yourself. Her lawyer laughs when he/she sees a message from you. You need a lawyer. You need a lawyer.


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

Secondguessing said:


> My wife's lawyer is insisting that I answer questions about my marijuana use from 20 years ago or she will cancel mediation. I thought mediation was non-adversarial? My gut tells me they just want to get the court ordered mediation out of the way and go to trial.
> 
> Maybe I shouldn't have fired my lawyer so fast.
> 
> ...


If it were from 10 years before you even met then surely that becomes irrelevant as she accepted you in marriage at that time. In the same way that a BS who continues to have sex with their spouse in the knowledge if infidelity cannot then use that infidelity as a reason for divorce,

I may be wrong of course but as every one else has said - Get A Lawyer!


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## Secondguessing (Mar 6, 2017)

I am going to get a lawyer after the mediation. I won't accept anything during mediation that I'm not comfortable with. I think we can resolve child support and visitation; distribution of assets will be the issue.

Anyway, I contacted the Chief of Police in the city we live and told him I wanted an officer to tell my wife she had just better honor the court order. I copied my stbxw's lawyer and he replied to me and lawyer and the offier in charge of dispatch. He said if it happens again to let dispatch know. I woke to this email from lawyer:



> Mr. .....:
> 
> I have spoken with ....., and she advises that you spoke with the girls on three separate occasions on Sunday. She is providing me with proof of this. She also advises that you called on Monday, but that the girls were at the pool and she could not receive your call. The Preliminary Order provides that you are to have one weekly Skype call with the girls on Sunday. From this point forward, the girls will be available to receive your call on Sundays at 8:00 p.m.
> 
> ...


I'd say that's about as good a result as I could expect even if I had a lawyer doing it for me.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Secondguessing said:


> I'd say that's about as good a result as I could expect even if I had a lawyer doing it for me.


So, her lawyer just documented that you are the one in violation of the Preliminary Order. You called 3 times. And you tried to call the next day. You were entitled to one call with them on either Saturday or Sunday, none on Monday.

Whereas your story is you tried to call on Sunday but they were not available and you were instructed to call back Monday, implying your stbx was the one preventing you from having your allotted phone call. In what way do you have this documented in a form the court will like?

Her lawyer is setting you up for a big fall. You're not winning at all.

Why do you think she has a lawyer? For a friend? Because she likes to give away lots of her money?


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## Secondguessing (Mar 6, 2017)

I have a legal question if anyone can help.

My wife only provided bank statements from about 2014 but we were married in 2007 and have been accumulating assets since that time. I know for a fact that she received US$60,000 for the sale of our house in china after we got to USA and then later received like US$ 18,000 for our share of the sale of a property me, her and her family invested in. She received this in a bank account that she opened in 2010. I contacted her lawyer and asked about the account opened in 2010 and I got the following response:



> 2010 is well before any dissolution proceedings. This is beyond the scope of this case.


What does that even mean? I though any and all assets accumulated during a marriage are subject to equitable distribution?


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

Secondguessing said:


> I have a legal question if anyone can help.
> 
> My wife only provided bank statements from about 2014 but we were married in 2007 and have been accumulating assets since that time. I know for a fact that she received US$60,000 for the sale of our house in china after we got to USA and then later received like US$ 18,000 for our share of the sale of a property me, her and her family invested in. She received this in a bank account that she opened in 2010. I contacted her lawyer and asked about the account opened in 2010 and I got the following response:
> 
> ...


Tell your attorney to pursue this - vigorously.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Secondguessing said:


> What does that even mean? I though any and all assets accumulated during a marriage are subject to equitable distribution?


Hey man, can you help me out? I've got an electronic fuel injection problem. Something to do with maybe the lambda sensor or maybe the inlet pressure sensor according to what I read on the internet. What does that even mean, lambda sensor?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Secondguessing said:


> I have a legal question if anyone can help.
> 
> My wife only provided bank statements from about 2014 but we were married in 2007 and have been accumulating assets since that time. I know for a fact that she received US$60,000 for the sale of our house in china after we got to USA and then later received like US$ 18,000 for our share of the sale of a property me, her and her family invested in. She received this in a bank account that she opened in 2010. I contacted her lawyer and asked about the account opened in 2010 and I got the following response:
> 
> ...


Why are you contacting her attorney? Your wording on the question gave her attorney a way to wiggle out of revealing the account info. It does not matter when the account was created. What matters is that she has an account that she has not disclosed.

Tell your attorney that if she will not disclose that account that the only asset split that you will agree to is 50/50.

Your attorney can send a request to the bank to provide all the accounts in her name/ssn if she will not provide documentation on the account.

She might have blown that money by the way. If she did, ask about considering it in the asset split since she wasted martial assets.


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## Secondguessing (Mar 6, 2017)

Can I request a face to face visitation schedule for the future?
My thinking is, lawyer or not, I'm going to get less assets than my wife - say $n less.
To facilitate a 7 week summer visitation, it would cost me about US$ 3,000 because I'm in China and they are in the states.

I want to ask the court that I begin my summer visitation schedule n/3000 years from now.

Does that sound possible?


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Why are you asking us? None of us are lawyers, and none of us are experts on how divorce and custody cases work out in whatever jurisdiction you are in.

We can tell you what went well or poorly for us, and what we think we did right or wrong in our divorces. We can give pretty good advice (usually) in dealing with your stbx on a personal level during and after the divorce. But, legal questions like yours need to be directed to a lawyer who is paid to represent you.

By the time you finish with the mediation, without a lawyer, everything will be pretty much set in stone. Whatever outcome you are going to have, you will have it before you step in court if you do everything through mediation.

The courts are a legal system, not a justice system. There is no logic or fairness in court. Legal matters have complex technical language and complex rules to follow, which vary by state, county, and even by judge.

Your specific questions show that you really need a lawyer helping you out right now. Her lawyer is setting you up to lose big time. Probably her lawyer knows what he/she is doing and how to get the desired outcome in court, maybe because he/she is a lawyer in real life. You're sinking your own ship right now.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

I believe Abraham Lincoln once said a man who represents himself legally has a fool for a client.

I wonder what he'd think about relying on the advice of the prosecuting attorney?

Because that's what you're doing.


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## Secondguessing (Mar 6, 2017)

> Your specific questions show that you really need a lawyer helping you out right now. Her lawyer is setting you up to lose big time. Probably her lawyer knows what he/she is doing and how to get the desired outcome in court, maybe because he/she is a lawyer in real life. You're sinking your own ship right now.


I talked to a lawyer yesterday and I am requesting mediation be delayed until i have a lawyer there to represent me. The trigger for the decision to retain a lawyer was my stbxw lawyer's response to my request that missing bank statements be turned over. This is what she sent me in reply:



> Ms. ____ advises that she does not have records from 2010. She also denies that she received $80,000. She recalls receiving $50,000. According to Ms. ______, $45,000 was utilized during the marriage to purchase the house in cash in Arkansas and about $5000 for the car in 2011.
> 
> The Court cannot divide prior assets accumulated during the marriage, but will divide the current assets.


The first paragraph is a flat out lie. I remember when my stbex got the money because we celebrated; it was our share of an ROI we made in China. Also how do bank records just disappear? It was a Bank of America account. I have no idea what the last sentence even means. So yes, you are right; I need a lawyer.


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