# Anonymousmrs



## Imnot_hppy (Sep 8, 2018)

My husband and I have been married for 20 yrs, together 8 yrs before marriage. We have not had sex in almost 7 yrs. Its not him its me. I do not have a desire. We have not shared a bed for 5 yrs. I believe I’ve lost respect for him hence no sex life. He lied about having dreams and desires. I’m a person that is always pushing myself to accomplish things. He is the completed opposite. There is no motivating him to do more. He’s happy with me making things happen. I’ve thought about divorce but not sure. What would you do in this situation?


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Awkwardly it sounds as if you both have a desire problem. You lack a desire for sex and he lacks a desire for his own personal development. 

In my opinion I would offer him sex if he shows motivation to improve his life. Take baby steps and try to help each other in that manner. If he refuses at least you tried and you can decide to move on with your life and divorce. 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

Without sex, he may be feeling depressed and lackluster in life. I'm not saying it's a bribery motivation thing like badsanta suggested, but being sex-starved may be affecting his energy levels and just general approach to life. He may be feeling like there's no point putting effort into the marriage where it matters to you because he feels you are not putting any effort into it where it matters to him.

Which started first, his laziness or your lack of sexual desire? It may be all wound up together like some sort of vicious circle chicken-and-egg thing.

The only way out of it is to talk to him about it. A good marriage counsellor can help with that difficult conversation.

If it doesn't get resolved, you'll be miserable staying in the marriage. He might be feeling the same way but not letting on.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Imnot_hppy said:


> My husband and I have been married for 20 yrs, together 8 yrs before marriage. We have not had sex in almost 7 yrs. Its not him its me. I do not have a desire. We have not shared a bed for 5 yrs. I believe I’ve lost respect for him hence no sex life. He lied about having dreams and desires. I’m a person that is always pushing myself to accomplish things. He is the completed opposite. There is no motivating him to do more. He’s happy with me making things happen. I’ve thought about divorce but not sure. What would you do in this situation?


Jumping on to the lying bit, is one of the sure ways to end the conversation before it ever starts. Lying assumes an intent to mislead. The situation could be as simple as you not truly understanding what he meant, or him not properly wording out his intent, or a combination thereof. Also people change. What his dreams and desires were when you first started out may not be what he has currently. It's not your fault, but neither is it his. Then we have to look at the issue of NRE, which can last for only months or could go years. The beginning of the relationship could have provided the energy and he honestly thought he could keep up. He could have physical or psychological issues that have arisen, that have not been recognized yet alone addressed. The range of possibilities are vast right now. We have a very limited set of details to go by here.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

So I take it when you said he lied about have desire to accomplish things you mean from the beginning of the relationship? or just recently? A lazy or lackluster guy can really make you not want to screw him because you do everything else. It's the Alpha thing. You want someone who knows what they want and how to accomplish it.

Have you had conversations with him about what you think he should be doing/accomplishing. Are we talking he doesn't work or he just isn't a CEO here?

If you don't have any desire for him but still have desire and you two can't get on the same page then life is too short to live like that. Divorce.

On the other hand if this a new problem or one that you two haven't tried to solve then you should do your best to work on it. Does he ever complain about lack of sex? Does he try to initiate? Is he a generous lover who knows what he is doing? or is he lazy there too? How often do you get to orgasm. Because my hubby knows what he is doing and even if I divorced him I'd call him as a booty call  so I'm thinking he doesn't get the job done in the bedroom or you'd still desire sex. Or there is so much built up resentment that can really kill desire.

Please expound a bit more so we can better get an idea of what's going on.


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