# A "cancelled" wedding



## sda (Jun 15, 2013)

First he "postponed" it. Now I think it's pretty much just plain cancelled.

We dated for 5 months and it was so perfect. He asked me what kind of ring I wanted. I gave him ideas thinking it was cute for him to be asking me about that kind of thing so soon. Two weeks later he popped the question and I was SO HAPPY! We moved in together and things were great. 

One day when out, we were in a lobby going up to a roof…on the way to the elevator him and a girl locked eyes and as we walked past he said hello to her. At the elevator he did a double take. This made me SO UPSET because he didn't just check out a girl..I felt he went above and beyond by saying "hello" to her and then actually turning his head AROUND to look again. I was upset.

Since our plan was not a huge budget wedding…(just us and a few friends) he wanted us to pick a day very soon. He wanted to get married in a months time! I'm like what!? He was really hurt by that and so I agreed to marry him 4 months later. Ladies…we all know it takes time to find the right dress and I simply just wanted time to tone my arms and feel like I was becoming beautiful for the wedding 

In a nutshell…I settled for the dress. Oh..and the ring screams no thought…no striving..I mean he thinks I should love even a cracker jack ring…which is true…but aren't I worth a ring where you strived to impress and woo?

Anyhoo…cut to him offering me a j.crew gift card he had laying around. I never shop there. It's just not my style…but a month after he offered the card to me I found a shawl for the wedding there so I asked him about it. He was like oh why do you need that? I don't remember where I put it…being kind of weird about the card..

Well..I don't know if I was just tired because to live with him I have a 3 hour a day commute to work where as when alone my commute was 15 min (nyc) BUT…I lost it and had a meltdown. I was crying all over the place…for the most part…probably because of all things to f around with…why a j.crew card? I felt like he was deliberately playing mind games with me and with only 1.5 months left until our wedding day I was like what the f is this??

So we saw a counselor. She put it in his head to postpone. He did that and now 7 months later things have never been GREAT in a long-lasting way. We've had great moments, but we haven't been able to get back that incredible magical feeling of just "knowing" this is who you want to spend the rest of your life with. We have had world war 3 kind of arguments..I think because everything hurts WAY MORE BECAUSE OF THE POSTPONEMENT. Things like him criticizing the very first muffins I ever baked for him or the chicken parmesan that "is not like his mothers." Those things are like ok fine…but it hurts me so much more because I feel defective. He called off the wedding.

To deal with this, he turned our couples counseling into private counseling for me to understand myself better…why I blow up (he has zero tolerance for yelling) and for me to "cope." 

After our initial fight that set this whole thing in motion I wish he held me in his arms said I'm sorry and I said I'm sorry…and we could have flipped the page and moved on. I actually begged him for a couple weeks not to postpone. 

You see…he thinks I have underlying issues..which I probably do..my father left when I was 6 months old and my mom died when I was young so I do have abandonment issues and as crazy as it seems…him testing me for no good reason with a j.crew gift card made me in the moment feel like he didn't love me enough not to test me…does this make sense? I know its kinda crazy.

However, I have explained this to him. and my attitude is sure…I will see a counselor just to help me in general. BUT..what about his accountability! As in..don't ask someone to marry you unless you are sure! I mean…I never said put a ring on it…and I never wanted the date to be set so soon….in the first place. 

2 weeks ago I had another meltdown of massive crying and depression…it made his life hell too…however I feel like I let it all out. It lasted several days. But during this time I flat out asked "our we even still engaged?" Guess what he said: "NO"

So…bottom line…I LOVE HIM. I WANT TO MARRY HIM..ACTUALLY HE WOULD NEED TO RE-PROPOSE WOULDN'T HE? i mean when he asked me I said yes for a reason. BUT WE TRULY AREN'T READY RIGHT NOW. The counselor etc. made it clear to us we do have communication issues…okay..so my attitude is like let's work on that. My meltdown 2 weeks ago came I think because 7 months later I had hoped this "postponement" would be over and we could reset a date. So my question is…how can I…while living with him…let go of the pain of the postponement and conduct myself in a way that would re-inspire him to get married? My friends tell me to get out and find someone better, BUT…I'm in it to win it. I mean I have spent a lot of time thinking things over. I just love him.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

My concern is that your experience with abandonment/rejection is overriding you logic about what a potential disaster your relationship may become if you get married. You say you love him...and I don't doubt it...but it doesn't matter how much YOU love the guy...he is not treating you with the same love and awe. You are giving your heart to someone who SHOULD cherish it, cradle it was awe and respect, protect it, take care of it, and promote its growth. Your boyfriend sounds like a child who will forget about your heart, leave it outside with his bicycle in the elements, drop it in the dirt, get bored with it, and look for another heart. I know sometimes we don't choose who we love, but I think you need to do the tough thing that YOU KNOW is right, and tear youself away, mourn him, and move on. You deserve a man you will treat you better...and they ARE out there. I suggest dumping him, getting to know yourself, and then be a healthy person that only engaged with healthy people. This man is bad business...although he may have some good points...but if all you see is potential without any proof, you are deluding yourself. Blessings.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

You seem quite young. How old are the two of you?

And 5 months is, in my opinion, way too short of a time to really know whether someone is going to make a good husband for you or not. I would date someone for at least a year or more before I considered marriage with them.

Your boyfriend is not husband material....at least not at this age and stage of life. He has a lot of growing up to do and frankly, it sounds like you do too.


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## SouthernMiss (Apr 25, 2013)

I'm not sure I understand why you believe he was deliberately trying to mess with you about the J Crew card? Is it possible he just lost it? Why did it upset you to this degree?

I really do think you should work on your issues before you embark on a marriage...with him or anybody else. You're not a bad person, but you do have things you need to sort out before you can expect to become part of a stable, happy marriage.

I'm sorry that you're going through so much pain.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

people who are dating and engaged do not have these kinds of problems. they do not have world war 3 type fights and they are not in counseling. this is not meant to be. or maybe it is, but you guys need to date A LOT longer. this is why you date - to see if it's right. Your bf was right to postpone the wedding. you two are definitely NOT ready to get married. you should probably even move back to your own place and date again. It sounds like trying to make this relationship work is like fitting a square peg into a circle. you're forcing something that is not meant to be. I'm not sure if you love him, or you or if you are compensating for being abandoned and think he is your savior. doesn't sound like he is. Date for a few years and get to know him better. in just a few months you already know him a lot better than you did, and it's looking not so good.


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## NativeSun09 (Mar 28, 2013)

Sounds to me like he's making the problems about you. That was wrong of him to check a girl out in front of you the way he did. Looking is natural but what he did just seems inconsiderate. _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

sda said:


> First he "postponed" it. Now I think it's pretty much just plain cancelled.
> 
> We dated for 5 months and it was so perfect. He asked me what kind of ring I wanted. I gave him ideas thinking it was cute for him to be asking me about that kind of thing so soon. Two weeks later he popped the question and I was SO HAPPY! We moved in together and things were great.
> 
> ...


There's a lot of information here, but not enough to say what "issues" the two of you have... except one: You do not sound like you're good marriage mates. You're not emotionally compatible at all!


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Go to your therapist for a while. Let your counselor help you with your issues. Once you get a grasp on how your issues and fears are impacting your behavior, and how they manifest themselves in the way you react in relationships, you'll see that you might be choosing to be with "someone" rather than being alone. 

If you were healthier as far as relationships go, you wouldn't have agreed to marry someone when you _knew _you weren't ready. Now, he agrees that you aren't ready and he isn't ready. So why are you suddenly so ready to marry him?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Be grateful that he postponed the wedding. Neither of you is ready for that. First of all, you needed to date a lot longer than you did before getting engaged. 

You have all the time in the world. It's considerably easier to walk away from a relationship if things don't work than it is to get a divorce.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

I don't think you are ready to marry, when you are you will realize that the wedding is nice but you will be more excited about the days after as that is what is important. 

I planned my wedding in two week, under $800. It was a beautiful wedding because I married the man I love. I actually wanted something even smaller but my parents did want me to marry off on a Thursday with just family. We had 5 weddings in our friend circle that year, some where much more fancy but till this day, everyone tells me that my wedding was the best. 

We dated long distance and everyone who knew us was very happy to see us together. I was 23 when I got married. Sure I would have loved a big wedding a perfect dess and a ring (we had no rings) but I married the man I loved. That was all that mattered. 

Maybe his not the right guy for you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

SDA most people today do not understand what engagement is really about. It is really about determining compatibility and understanding one another on a deeper level before you marry. It seems to me that this has really worked out. We all understand you love him but there will be others you will fall in love with and that will respect that love and reciprocate it in kind.

Do not settle for this. Do not try to force it. You are setting yourself up for failure.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

5 months is NOT long enough.


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## RDL (Feb 10, 2012)

Hello,

Please be advised. From the story you posted above you and your partner fit the profile of abuse very well. 

Please allow me to place a huge warning sign regarding the relationship. Most of the details you gave suggest an abusive man who sniffed out your weakness and uses it. 

The honey dew charming at the beginning. The rush to get married. The back and forth between charm and abuse now. The abandonment issues he can push on you. 

Your partner is likely exploiting your vulnerabilities and abusing you. Since he is doing this this obvious and this fast (many cases only start showing abuse after marriage), this would suggest he will get much worse once married. 

I respect that you are bonded with him and that given the first few months of the interaction you desperately want him to be your dream com true. This very desperation is likely used against you now. 

To form your own opinion I urge you to study abuse and analyze your interactions with him.

One material I can reccomend that I find pivotal work on abuse is :Lundy Bancroft - Why does he do that? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men

Please come back with feedback once you have read and absorbed the material.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Both of you are no where near ready for marriage. It is a very good idea to postpone the wedding. 

Why do you want to rush into marriage anyway?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You are the one who is here so I’m going to address what I see about you in your post. You cannot change him. You can only change yourself so that’s where you need to put your focus, on yourself.

I do not get the bit about the J Crew card. What’s that problem with it? Why did it cause you to have a melt down? If someone gave me a J Crew card (or a card to some place that I do not normally shop) I’d got check the store out. Maybe I’d just end up getting something as a gift for someone else. But who cares. The card was just something extra.

Your bf does not tolerate yelling and emotional melt downs. Well he should not tolerate these. This is not how healthy adults interact with each other. You describe what you wanted to happen after your melt down. You wanted him to hold you, for the two of you to kiss and make up. Um… nope. That’s call manipulation and drama. 

The two of you rushed into this relationship far too quickly. Take a year or two to get to know someone before moving in with them and committing your life to them. What you have now are the problems causes by jumping into a relationship too soon.

Neither of you are ready for marriage. Move back closer to your job and work on becoming a better you.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

This man would be a terrible husband, count your blessings that it hasnt happened! Move back home, no man is worth a 3 hour commute, especially this one!


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Until you really understand why an engagement ring or a gift-card are not worth spending a minute of thinking over, DO NOT get married.

You sound very immature. Seems like you've found someone even less mature than yourself.

Try being patient and deeper in life. This is no time to tie yourself in a marriage. You need to experience real life first.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

> why an engagement ring or a gift-card are not worth spending a minute of thinking over,


Uh - I'll agree on the GC thing, I confess - I lost a GC hubs gave me once. It sucks, but that in of itself isn't world ending, annoying, yes, and a waste of money (assuming it wasn't gifted to him by someone else to begin with) but - life moves on. 

As to the engagement ring thing, I would hope there would be more than a moment spent thinking about it, really. Given that the idea is that she'll wear it every day for the rest of her life. Also - to ask what kind of ring someone wants and then get something else is kind of PA.

That's just the tip of the iceberg here though - like why did you move -three hours away- from work? That seems insane. Was he not willing to move to a location more neutral for the two of you? If not, that was likely the first sign of issues.


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