# How best to deal with negative influences of fiance's ex.



## sharkboy (Sep 29, 2015)

Several years ago I divorced after 20 years of marriage. My relationship had been very bad for the last few years of the marriage and I was really mentally and emotionally scarred. One day by chance I met a woman who had been a close friend of mine in high school, actually I was her first crush, and it was like we picked up right where we left off. Over a few years since then, she has become my lover and my best friend. I feel like she is the one that saved me from the bottomless pit and gave me life again, and now she is my fiancé. However, here is the problem. We both have kids and both have custody. I have only one still at home, and he is the most well behaved, well mannered teenager you could ever meet. He is not old enough to remember having a real mother in his life, and he has grown to love my fiancé as though he belonged to her. Her kids are younger than mine by a few years each, and when I first met them I hit it off with them fine and was impressed with their intelligence and behavior--UNTIL their father came back into the picture. He was confined in a rehab facility for most of the first year of our relationship. The change in them could be seen immediately after he got out and started to spend time with them again, and since then it has gotten progressively worse. He has encouraged them to be increasingly difficult for their mother to deal with and, since the announcement of our engagement, has used them as tools to sabotage the future of our relationship in every way possible. His power over them is complicated by his family's deeply held religious beliefs, which he uses to paint their mother (and me as well) as a horrible sinner that is not worthy of their love and respect. This is in spite of the years of his own drug and alcohol use and the tons of trouble it has caused for him, his family, and others, not to mention putting her in the situation of being the only responsible parent and ultimately being left with a marginal income and tons of bills. It has come to the point that I am questioning if I can move forward with the relationship because of those kids and the way their father is working through them to take out his bitterness on her. My fiancé needs me and I equally need her, but I have begun to fear the idea of living around her children. I really don't like them anymore, and they very obviously don't like me any more either. I am concerned that I will have to watch my back all the time as they will be spying on me, collecting evidence on me, whatever they can do, to supply their dad with information that could be used to make the situation look different than it actually is. I also don't know how I can deal with their terribly disrespectful behavior since it will be virtually impossible for me to enforce any punishment. I am even afraid that their father may encourage them to make accusations about me or my son that could be permanently damaging. I want to think that they wouldn't do that, but I have already seen the effects of his manipulation and things it has caused them to do against their mother, so I can't totally rule it out. Can I live with the decision to walk away from her knowing how much we both need and love each other? We live a couple of hours apart so to just keeping things exactly like they are is really not an option since both of us have grown tired of dealing with the distance between us. We have considered getting married but living in separate nearby homes. Are there any other workable options that I have not thought of?

I should also mention how the ex's influence on the kids has weighed on her mentally and emotionally. She is slowly becoming a different person too as a result and that concerns me as well.


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## Malpheous (May 3, 2013)

You're option is to take it or leave it.

Your fiance should research parental alienation. Get smart on it. Get some legal assistance. Sort her issues out. That may include but not be limited to filing a modification request with the court to reduce the father's parenting time or to move it to supervised with counseling for the children, himself and/or the family.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Yes, research parental alienation - good place to start:

Dr. Craig A. Childress :: Parental Alienation

And the book "Divorce Poison" by Dr. Richard Warshack is invaluable in combating alienation. The kids have to be reminded of the truth and there are tons of ideas in the book. For instance, talking about how people can get you to change your mind about someone - watch "Hook" or "Mrs. Doubtfire". I put together photo albums of myself and my daughter and left them out on the coffee table and occasionally flip through and point out all of the fun we had (at one time she said she never had fun with me). I took her to the office on occasion (i.e. after a dental check up for the last hour of work) and had coworkers said nice things - how much they enjoyed working with me, how good I was at my job, etc. The more people who rave about you, the better. They have been brainwashed and need to be reminded about all of the good stuff before Dad came back on the scene.

Please don't abandon your fiancee to deal with this on her own. And don't abandon the children who are being used as a pawn of a mentally ill father. I went from being hated and my daughter barely wanting to see me to her loving me very much and showing it and seeing her father for what he is now (alienated at 10, now 16).

Document anything they say/do that could be important to a custody decision. Petition the courts for a psychological evaluation for parental fitness. Get the children a Guardian ad Litem (they will do their own custody evaluation and make recommendations to the court) and most importantly - COUNSELING for the kids. They need a safe place to vent and YOU need an advocate in that counselor who will know you are trying to do the right thing by the kids.

PS - adult children of alienation can look back and see the manipulation and are very resentful of the alienator. And they also KNEW they were being coached to do and say things that they didn't really feel but they felt like they had to choose sides. They knew the loving parent would love them no matter what and they knew the alienator would only love them if they shunned the loving parent. It was the only way to have the love of both. Sick and twisted - and sad, isnt' it?


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## sharkboy (Sep 29, 2015)

They have already been through the custody battle in which the ex attempted to take away custody of the children, but he lost miserably. She remains with full and sole custody, but his visitation time is enough to keep them brainwashed.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Oh, believe me, I know. The courts actually limited his phone time, too. It took years and I'm not saying it's easy but I read that book and did everything I could to prove I was exactly who she knew me to be all along - loving, fair, kind, smart, not vindictive... it requires a lot of patience, consistency and TIME. 

Wouldn't hurt to keep tabs on him lest the cops need a 'tip' about the next thing he's doing that might land him in jail.


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## Malpheous (May 3, 2013)

sharkboy said:


> They have already been through the custody battle in which the ex attempted to take away custody of the children, but he lost miserably. She remains with full and sole custody, but his visitation time is enough to keep them brainwashed.


Read what I posted. Read what Enjoli posted. I'm sure there already was a battle. She needs to get smart on Parental Alienation. She needs to review her various court orders. Apply a shock collar to her ex and the situation. She should get the kids in family counseling, even without the ex. Engage a Gaurdiem Ad Litem if needed. Return to court, when a lawyer has been given enough to work a case, and petition for the father too be moved to supervised time, etc.


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## sharkboy (Sep 29, 2015)

Thanks to both of you for telling me about parental alienation. Honestly when I first looked into it I thought it didn't sound out of the ordinary for parents that are bitter after a divorce, but when I read the characteristics of an obsessed alienator, every single one of them applied. I don't know where things will go from here, but the more you know the better prepared you can be for what happens next. Thanks again.


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