# Extreme Jealousy



## jc2006 (Aug 17, 2011)

Has anyone dealt with or is currently dealing with someone who has EXTREME jealousy? like irrational about past relationships/ONS, suspicious of your every move and you cant even look at someone the wrong way without being accused of being interested in them? I've never been unfaithful, nor would I be, but "because of how I acted in college" he "knows how I am" so I have either definitely cheated in the past or will in the future and I'm "more interested in other people I've been with than him"...this is crazy...I love this man with all of my heart and he is STUCK on this idea and his jealousy and insecurities and I cant live like this anymore! 

yes I had a few ONS in college, big effing deal! Am I the only one?? they meant nothing and have nothing to do with our relationship! seriously, does that mean that I'm just a complete wh0re because of that?


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

jc2006 said:


> Has anyone dealt with or is currently dealing with someone who has EXTREME jealousy? like irrational about past relationships/ONS, suspicious of your every move and you cant even look at someone the wrong way without being accused of being interested in them? I've never been unfaithful, nor would I be, but "because of how I acted in college" he "knows how I am" so I have either definitely cheated in the past or will in the future and I'm "more interested in other people I've been with than him"...this is crazy...I love this man with all of my heart and he is STUCK on this idea and his jealousy and insecurities and I cant live like this anymore!
> 
> yes I had a few ONS in college, big effing deal! Am I the only one?? they meant nothing and have nothing to do with our relationship! seriously, does that mean that I'm just a complete wh0re because of that?



Everybody has a past. Your man sounds very immature. You may love him, but he's so insecure, this may be the undoing of your relationship.

If he can't lay off, I would consider ending the relationship. You need to tell him this is how you're feeling and he's pushing you to your breaking point.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Were you honest with him about your past before you got married or did you tell him after?


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## jc2006 (Aug 17, 2011)

MrK said:


> Were you honest with him about your past before you got married or did you tell him after?


I have always been honest with him...we were friends before we started dating and I told him everything about myself when we were friends so he has always known "how I am"


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Were you too honest, perhaps? I was once very open/honest about my past with a BF, only to have him jealously seethe in silence and at the end, throw it all right back in my face. I suspect it was simply because I'd had more adventurous experiences than he did, and he couldn't handle that.

With another guy, he used to love to hear 'all my stories', lol, and we had a great and adventurous time together, with zero jealousy.

In my own experience, dealing with my own insecurities and jealousies, I find that if I'm lied to about someone, that's it, I'll obsess over it...but if I know up front (about the who not about the what, as in sordid details) I'm OK with it. For example, I found out about my H used to have a FF, but he'd glossed over it, claiming friendship only. When I found out, I freaked...then I obsessed. In the end, he told me that he hadn't told me the truth because he was embarassed (and believe me, I saw pics, he SHOULD be embarassed...).

If he's young, he may grow out of this type of insecurity, but chances are he'll always be like that.

Good luck!


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## TemperToo (Apr 23, 2011)

He wont change. RUN!!! Run while you can! My H used to always tell me that I would leave him, cheat on him, etc., etc. Nearly 12 years and 4 kids later, he dumped me. Go figure.


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## jc2006 (Aug 17, 2011)

CandieGirl said:


> Were you too honest, perhaps?


Well I never went into the details, but he knows "my number" (which is not much by the way)...one of them happened to be a roommate who lived in the same house with us while we were still just friends and he is fixated on this one more than anything else...but still, it happened before our relationship and still has nothing to do with us so not sure what I can do about it now...


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Extreme or severe jealousy is a sign of insecurity, lack of confidence, poor self-image, or plain old fear in the person exhibiting the jealousy. So, it is not even about you, but it is about him.

Ways to cope? Be civil, answer his queries calmly, but do not dwell on constant, repeated queries. Simply answer him once or twice, tell him that you have already answered repeated queries and simply leave it at that.

Always maintain an aura of calmness, re-direct the conversations if possible. You could start to say something like "You have no reason to be jealous and insecure. Those are your problems to address, not mine." If he gets really bad, then remove yourself from the situation and let him calm down.

In order for him to get over his jealousy, he will have to be the one to work on his insecurities. If he's unwilling to do that, then you'll have to decide how much you can live with.

Best wishes.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

jc2006 said:


> Well I never went into the details, but he knows "my number" (which is not much by the way)...one of them happened to be a roommate who lived in the same house with us while we were still just friends and he is fixated on this one more than anything else...but still, it happened before our relationship and still has nothing to do with us so not sure what I can do about it now...


He feels threatened by that roommate, just like I felt threatened by the FF (because of the initial lie)...Does he think that you were involved with the roommate when you two got together? Sometimes in the beginning of a relationship, lines are a little blurred before you figure out where it is that you're going, because not every relationship ends up being long term...could be be obsessing over something like that, such as "Was she still sleeping with him when WE got together?".

All you can really do is reassure him and hope that he moves past it in time, because time truly is a great healer. If it's unbearable for you, tho, such as being quizzed every day, then I'd say you've gotta call it off (provided you're not already married to the guy?). And if it is a daily issue for the two of you, then that's a real problem. As pi$$ed as I was about the FF, it was something that only reared its ugly head on occasion, certainly NOT every day.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

It's possible that he was reading stuff like in the infidelity forum, you know, the ones where the spouse swore up and down that there was no one else-only to find out that there was all along. He probably has a very low self esteem and is truly convinced that he deserves to have you do "something" to him.

Don't tell me-have you suggested counseling, and he vehemently refuses, because YOU are the one with the "problem"?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> Everybody has a past. Your man sounds very immature. You may love him, but he's so insecure, this may be the undoing of your relationship.
> 
> If he can't lay off, I would consider ending the relationship. You need to tell him this is how you're feeling and he's pushing you to your breaking point.


This is absolutely 100% correct. 

You told him about your past and he accepted it and decided to have a relationship with you. Now he is using it as emotional blackmail.

You have nothing to be ashamed about since you were honest. The problem is within him.

I have been in a relationship with a guy such as the one you describe. It only gets worse over time. It's rare that his jealousy/insecurities will stop.

This is who he is. 

Eventually you will be so broken down from this and all the nasty things he says about you that you will start changing your behaviors to fit his personality/insecurities, who you hang out with, what you say, how you communicate with him, tiptoe around his jealous/insecure moods so as not to upset him. Eventually you will feel like a leper. Eventually he will run you clear away OR you will stay with him and be a shell of yourself.

And he will continue on the same.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Oh and FYI, it's possible he accuses you and makes you out to be this awful person because he is doing dirt himself. Maybe not. But maybe so. And he projects what he is doing onto you.


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## Lovebug501 (Aug 30, 2011)

CandieGirl said:


> As pi$$ed as I was about the FF


What the heck is an FF???


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I think it means Female Friend or F-ck Friend? Idk.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> I think it means Female Friend or F-ck Friend? Idk.


Yes...that's it, a F*CK Friend.


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

TemperToo said:


> He wont change. RUN!!! Run while you can! My H used to always tell me that I would leave him, cheat on him, etc., etc. Nearly 12 years and 4 kids later, he dumped me. Go figure.


This is not necessarily true. What she decribed used to be me to a lesser extent. It took me gaining a bit of self esteem to pull out of it and it has not bothered me a bit sence. In saying this though, HE needs to realize that HE is the one with a problem and HE needs to fix it. That is the only way it will ever change.


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## jc2006 (Aug 17, 2011)

So the verbal abuse has been out of control lately and I have finally been broken down so badly that I started seeing a therapist...I read the following on borderline personality disorder...

http://www.bpdcentral.com/images/Ihateyou.pdf

and I feel as though it was written directly to me...it describes everything that is going on to a T...I have been walking on eggshells trying not to trigger a "blowout" with him to no avail lately...the slightest indication that he feels that I'm rejecting him (a misinterpreted gesture or word) and it triggers a verbal attack and I'm made to feel as though I'm the biggest piece of trash on the planet...these "blowouts" used to only happen maybe every 2-3 months but they have been weekly and sometimes multiple times per week over the past couple of months and it is eating away at me...I feel myself becoming someone that I know that I am not...depressed, angry, hurt...I told him that he needs to see a therapist as that is the only way I will feel like something is going to change and if he still refuses then I was done and I wanted to get off this merry go round...he made an appt and I can only hope at this point that he can start to deal with the pain and self-hatred that is manifesting into these extreme irrational attacks on me...I simply cant live like this anymore but then my codependent side keeps telling me that I need to take care of this man that I love dearly and who I know loves me under all of this chaos...how did we get here? I'm afraid to let go of the hopes and dreams I had for our beautiful family....


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

CandieGirl said:


> Yes...that's it, a F*CK Friend.


Hehe. I got it on my first try! 

JC2006--without definitely knowing whether he is bpd or not, you can guess at it but that is not proof. 

I don't believe everyone who is abusive has BPD. 

I think some people are just plain old abusers. 

What you CAN rely on is the fact that you are not comfortable with the way he treats you, it makes you feel bad, that his insecurity/jealousy has an adverse effect on you, that you said yourself you "walk on eggshells" and that he is verbally abusive. Abuse is never ok under any circumstance. NEVER. 

If you have never told him how his treatment of you makes you feel, you need to do that and tell him what you are willing to accept and what you aren't willing to accept. 

You already know what he's like. It's very unlikely he will change. Unless he wants to. And ONLY if he wants to and actually DOES something to change his detrimental behaviors. 

The choice is yours up to what you are willing to tolerate.


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