# Is giving them space the real answer



## mwdbuckeye (Jan 17, 2010)

This is almost pure torture not speaking to her. We have been together almost 25 years. I got some of those books and said to not have contact for some mythical amount of time. Of course that is not possible due to our son. She comes and visits him usually once a week for a little while. Last week she came twice. We actually spoke for the first time in years about what was going on. What we were doing. She made it clear again that she didnt look at us as a couple anymore, at least right now. I told her that after reading so many books and finally understanding what I was doing wrong, that I believe I might love her more now than maybe ever. She didnt seemed phased. I guess its a pipe dream when she says right now. She says she doesnt want to hurt me. She says she needs to stay away from me, because she could be tempted back into our codependent relationship. She is focusing on being happy, building her friendships, not feeling guilty about her relationships with single men; like I made her feel in the past.

Do I still not contact her, move on? AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH


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## Alexandra (Jan 9, 2010)

It almost sounds like you need to give her some space for your own sake. Do you feel that the relationship is unhealthy? Are you worried that if you do give her space, she will get so far away from you that you won't get her back?

If that's the case then you REALLY need to give her space. You can't keep her there by force (even emotional force). 

I really feel for your situation and can hear your pain and desperation. Take some time to be calm. Take some time to appreciate yourself and heal.... Keep going to your counsellor!!!!!!


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## mwdbuckeye (Jan 17, 2010)

She isnt getting any counseling and her "friends" do not seem to be pushing her to get back to seeing a physc doc or any other doc. She is taking cymbalta and reading stuff on the internet. I have no idea what. These friends dont know about her real past and her past diagnosis of paranoid schizophrenia. They think she just has depression. The physc doc at the hospital over christmas - (Of course the low man on the totem pole during this time of year having to work over christmas) felt she just had depression. 

She needs more help than shoving some pills down her throat and it appears nobody is pushing her that direction. I know she has to want it.


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## Alexandra (Jan 9, 2010)

She does need help, absolutely. And as her man you want to help her (and being from a military background may contribute to this too!). You thrive on action.

Is there anyone else, a trusted family member or outsider who could help get her to a psychiatrist? Does she keep up on her meds?

Try to think of giving her space as a WAY of helping her. Maybe of pushing her to see someone or do something about her mental health? Then you may not feel so helpless.


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## mwdbuckeye (Jan 17, 2010)

She hasnt spoke to anyone in her family in a decade. She says her family is dead to her. She makes friends and they become her family. These friends are almost always her coworkers. She lives somewhere else, I dont know where. With her sexual background Im scared she will do something that is unfortunate. I have decided that I am going to have healthy boundries for me and another case of infidelity will be the downfall of our relationship. She runs away from everything and everybody that calls her on her ****.


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

Instead of crushing a man all at once, the "space" is a way to draw out the crushing over time.

To prevent this, and win a woman's attraction, the good man must stand up to show he will fight for her. 

The "space" is merely a "fitness test" for her man to show his woman that he will either stand up for her, or lose her.

To give her "space", is to fail this test. 

And reconciliation is now in grave jeopardy because communication between her man is difficult.

And if there is an affair man in the picture, this is double jeopardy as the woman WILL be looking for emotional fulfillment from the affair man.

When a woman says "I need space", the actions speak louder than the words, she is really saying "are you the good man enough to stand and fight for me?"

So far, your answers have been "No!".

And I don't know what books you are reading, but you need to maybe throw them away and instead be the man to speak what is on your mind, that you insist to communicate with your woman, and you will make this happen, and then DO THESE THINGS.

Also you should be from now on doing the things that are making YOU happy, and doing the things in the best interest of both you and your son, and this is with or without this woman, and also DO THESE THINGS. 

A woman is not attracted to the man who uses words to try to guilt or beg her to be with him. 

Instead, a woman is on fire for a man who it is obvious, in actions and not words, that he would be perfectly happy and successful WITHOUT HER, who is in control of himself and his environment. This includes being confident and calm around your wife right now, and the happy father to your son. 

To do these things first, and then make your wife feel that even if she was to try very much it would be difficult for her to win you over as her man, is the goal. 

This, and only this, would be the only "space" ever safe to give a woman that a man wants to be in a relationship with.

To this man, a man in control of himself and his environment, a woman will be absolutley ROARING fire of sexual desire, and this is making her to leave any affair man in the dust.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

BBW - your advice has been helpful to me. But so far, in my case, the separation is helping. We aren't arguing. We have been spending quality time together, but no over-doing it. My wife is already talking about coming home.

Maybe - using a slight variation on the BBW Rulebook - my wife has become more attracted to me because she's seen that I can be just fine without her. But I've been very careful about limiting my contact with her and letting her come to me. I'm not chasing her - I'm not asking her when she's coming home - in fact a couple of times I've told her that I think the separation is working so we need to back off a bit when things feel too "close".

I also liked what Alexandra said - use this space and time for YOURSELF.

And one last way I've always looked at it - its giving them enough rope to hang themselves with. If she's going to do the wrong things, you'll eventually know - and you'll also know you need to move on. But if she comes back, you'll know its for the right reasons, and not because you convinced her to come home.


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## mwdbuckeye (Jan 17, 2010)

My wife has left the home and is living with a friend. I have no idea where she lives. I want to talk to her daily. She has stated that she doesnt love me anymore and wants a divorce. She does not consider us a couple any more at least not right now. She is hanging out with her friends/ coworkers and is doing things that are "fun". She says she is learning who she is and what makes her happy instead of focusing on her husband and children. It feels like a midlife crisis a little too much. If you have read my other posts I know we both need to get mentally healthy and my hope is for us to come back together and get it right. We both deserve happiness because it has been tough for soooo long.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

I'm sorry - I had not read your other posts.

I think this is different than the ideal separation. If this wasn't discussed or agreed upon beforehand - and you aren't sure where she is - what choices do you really have?

She's behaving like a child. Hate hearing about people who HAVE children who begin ACTING like children.

Take care of yourself and your kids. You can hope for the best, but I'd start preparing for a life without her.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

I read "diagnosis of paranoid schizophrenia" and I'm wondering if this is someone really worth fighting to be in a relationship with.

I understand that we all have good days and bad days. Ocassional depression is fairly normal, but Schizophrenia is really kinda out there.


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## mwdbuckeye (Jan 17, 2010)

Texted her today. Asked her how were things, did she have a good weekend, did she get to church, and anything going on.

Response -Good weekend, yes went to church it was tough but good for me. Then she discussed some obligated work thing

I then texted her that I have been praying a lot about this situation and thinking about her

Response: She told me that she didnt know how to respond to that statement.

I said thats ok, we are getting healthy and I am laying down a lot of crap in the hands of God and that it was helping - Then said that I felt compelled to let her know that Im still here.

Response: That is good I really want the best for you

I then texted: I hope you wat the best for both of us.

Response: I do and i hope that you eventually realize that does not necessarily mean us together.

I then texted that I do understand now, then I told her that there must be resolve in this and prepare for all options and to not discount anything until mental health is better.

Does this text conversation (which is about all I can get anymore) sound like there is a snowballs chance in hell in a future? We both have mental issues and emotional and mental abuse toward each other. Does our background feel like we may have a chance or should I start moving on? I know no one can make that decision for me. I really cant tell what she is doing. Does she even think about me at all. Im here raising our son and taking care of the house and the chores and working a full time job. She works and then goes to her friends and does whatever but there are three adults there and I sure that the chores and everything is split. I guess I just tired and stressed out. Somebody help me get out of this funk


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