# I can't put up with this any longer!!



## poppyjane (Apr 10, 2014)

My husband and I have been married for almost 3 years. During our first few months of marriage, i found out that he was being unfaithful to me with someone that he had been seeing for 9 years at the time.

he claimed at the time that she meant nothing to him at all. i kind of believed that because I am his second wife and during this 9 years that his mistress claims that they were together he had married his first wife. so it was easy for me to believe. Actually, that was not the first time i found out about her before we were married but he made her change her number so i was not able to call her and find out anything. so i swept it under the rug. She also approached us after a party that we went to. she went bananas on him!! i was so caught by surprise that i was like a deer caught in the headlights. i ultimately left him there. then he came home begging and pleading with me to believe that she meant nothing and that he had not seen her in over six months and that she was some crazed woman that could not get over. Swept that under the rug as well.

Well, throughout our marriage we were always fighting about something because he never stayed consistent with anything and he would always come home in these funks. Always accusing me of infidelity. The accusations were wild!!

on top of all of that, he never did anything to support me. i took care of everything. he took on the responsibility of paying the rent but he could never pay it in a timely fashion. Every other month we are receiving eviction notices. I had to jobs when we first got together but i let go of my second job because it became too much for me. i wanted to be a wife to my husband. He told me that i can quit and he will make sure things were okay. That has never happened. I am struggling to make ends meet, taking out loans here and there, robbing Peter to pay Paul and maxing out my credit cards. All of this with him laying on the side of me with a bank roll and will not offer anything.

While going through all of this, i found out that he was yet again cheating with this same woman. Only now she's screaming that they have been together for 11 years. i could not understand how this woman was claiming him to be her man because he is home every night. I later found out that coming home every night means nothing.

We got over that incident. i swept that one under the rug as well and still continued on with this erratic behavior of his. I was just hoping and praying that things would get better. But to no avail. i found out on March 1st that he was still seeing this woman and it just blew me away!!!!! again, he begged and pleaded with me to believe that she meant nothing. i am trying to explain to him that i cannot believe this because this woman seems to stay in your life.

I tried to stay and believe what he's telling me but it was really hard. that went on for about 2 1/2 weeks until he came home in a funk again. He left his phone home so i went through it and what i saw was a huge blow to the head.

not only was he still talking to her, he had been also in conversations with his ex-wife. i was so done!!! He wants me to believe that he has learned his lesson and wants to reconcile but he has not done anything to make me believe that he has learned his lesson. he will not answer certain calls in front of me. and if i'm standing next to him he will turn his phone away so that i can't see who's calling.

i told him that i'm still feeling uncomfortable with this and he tells me that he's getting fed up with me and this whole thing. he says that he understands that he brought the drama to our marriage but he wants to know how long it will be before i trust him again because his patience is running short.

i told him that i can't continue this journey with him anymore. his response was that he's sorry that i feel that way but he has to accept even if it means losing the woman that he has ever loved. what a load of crap!!!

any thoughts? i know that this is right in front of me but it's just good to hear that i'm doing the right thing.


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## Sandfly (Dec 8, 2013)

You're doing the right thing by planning your exit.

You're doing the wrong thing by hesitating about it and not listening to your gut feelings, and allowing yourself to be persuaded by him to delay and prevaricate about actually putting an end to it.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

HIS patience is running short?? HE is getting fed up with YOU?!?!? What effing planet does this jerk LIVE on?? Holy crap. Get a lawyer NOW and get rid of him for good. Stop talking to him. And get tested for STDs. Who knows how many women he's sleeping with.

GOD jerks like him make my blood boil.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Pack his sh!t and kick his sorry ass out. Change the locks, and file for divorce.


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## mishu143 (Jun 20, 2011)

Im with the group on this one, you should annulled that marriage the first time you caught him... Leave him. No kids?? AWESOME! get him out now!!!


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## Gonnabealright (Oct 24, 2013)

Read more here. Your not alone. Hang in there. Post often but most importantly start a 180 for you. He's a cheater and everything he is saying is straight out of the cheaters script.


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## poppyjane (Apr 10, 2014)

thank you all for your responses!! i really, really needed them. We do not have any children together. (THANK GOD!!!) 

Of course he is still trying. He showed at my job yesterday trying to plead his case some more. trying to convince me that she means nothing and that there is nothing going on between them. my stomach is full of knots every day because of this. even though i'm moving on, it still hurts like he!!.

he keeps telling me to look back and tell him when he could possibly have time for her. and my response is, "is not about how much time you have to spend with her, she takes what she can get and that's obvious." this lady is "coo coo for cocoa puffs" over my husband and she has the mind of a five year old. really! i'm not exaggerating. it's so bad that i had to even question him. i couldn't ever imagine him ever being with such a woman for so long. 

i really believe that his attraction to her is the drama that she brings. i am drama free. he would always tell me that he feels as though i don't really love him. But that's because he was always comparing my love to hers. i told him that he could never really see how much i loved him because his mind stayed clouded.

he is really making himself believe that this is nothing and i'm going off the deep end over nothing.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Yes, he loves drama. You don't provide enough for him apparently. Be very grateful you don't have children. And move on. Better late than never.


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## poppyjane (Apr 10, 2014)

yes openminded, you are absolutely right!! We have been married for almost 3 years and together for 4. and throughout our time together he has constantly told me that he has never had a real woman in his life. honestly, from my observation, i can tell that he has never been with a real woman with morals. all the women that he has ever dealt with had nothing going on for themselves and relied on him for everything. it was just the opposite with me.

i took care of this man and loved him with everything i've got in me. he didn't want for anything. in the bedroom, i tried to be everything that he could dream of. all of this still through all of his lack of affection, financial abuse, infidelity and emotional abuse. and yet i still stayed when i should have been long gone.


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## poppyjane (Apr 10, 2014)

i am 43 years old and i kind of felt like if i had given up the marriage i would never find happiness again. i felt like i was running out of time. But that came with low self esteem that i inherited from him cheating on me time and time again with this woman.


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## mishu143 (Jun 20, 2011)

poppyjane said:


> i am 43 years old and i kind of felt like if i had given up the marriage i would never find happiness again. i felt like i was running out of time. But that came with low self esteem that i inherited from him cheating on me time and time again with this woman.


Poppy, I know how much it hurts, and in the end the only person that can make the decision to leave is you. I am pro marriage!! But I am also in your shoes WITH KIDS and no income. He was the provider. 

But what he is doing is exactly what mine did and so many others on this site has expressed. Go to the cheating part of the site, impressive how good at cheating 101 just by reading the terms... One thing he is doing is gaslighting... Look it up... he is making you think your nuts by making it seem like what you saw wasn't what you saw. HE is trying to recoup and charm you back into his ways. Your a convenience to him from how you described your relationship. He wasn't helpful, and you did it all. Think hard about your wants, not his...

As another reader here once told, THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU!!!! THIS IS ALL HIS DOING!!!! IT IS ALL ABOUT HIM!!!

yes, low self-esteem allowed us to stay, but guess what, we are the minority in a country full of tramps trying to live up to the current hype. Trashy is classy in many STUPID mens eyes... We moral women fall in love with the wrong guy and then forget that it only happened because we allowed it to happen due to the low self esteem. and speaking for myself, when it blew up in my face, I blamed myself, and tried so hard to figure out why it all happened, but little by little I have opened up and realized it was his fault and his doing. And yes I wasn't perfect, but I have Values, morals, and tried really hard to keep my marriage together. Unfortunately our views and goals were opposites and that was my mistake. I allowed myself to stay with someone I knew would never do what he promised. I stayed longer than I ever should have for my kids. And it was the biggest mistake I could have ever made. But now I can say I tried for a very long time, and I can rid myself of the guilt. I love him, but he will never be the man for me. He needs an 18 year old tramp to be @ the level of a woman he deserves. Love yourself! BE proud of yourself! a good man will come along. One who will treasure you for all your values and morals, and will make you his one and only...keep in mind this wasn't your doing, it was his. He cheated and cheated and cheated and....you get the point. one time okay you try to move on, but you have pointed out to MANY times.


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## poppyjane (Apr 10, 2014)

yes, mishu!! many, many times and with the same woman.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

poppyjane said:


> any thoughts? i know that this is right in front of me but it's just good to hear that i'm doing the right thing.


jane, you know the answer.

Run.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

poppyjane said:


> i am 43 years old and i kind of felt like if i had given up the marriage i would never find happiness again. i felt like i was running out of time. But that came with low self esteem that i inherited from him cheating on me time and time again with this woman.


There's a woman here who is 70 and she is just now divorcing her husband for his infidelity.

As a 55 year old, I'm here to tell you that the 40s are the years in which you REALLY get to plan out your life and do what you want and achieve things. Trust me, there are many many men out there - if you go to the RIGHT places to find them - who want nothing more than a loving wife and who will treat them right.

Plus, just having a man next to you is NOT the proof of success. My mom dumped my cheating dad when she was almost 40 and she never even dated again. Never cared to. She was too busy enjoying HER life doing what SHE wanted instead of just trying to please some man who would take and take and ask for more (sound familiar?).


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## poppyjane (Apr 10, 2014)

thank you so much Turnera for your feed back. i can really identify with your mom. This whole thing has me so blown away that i don't even know why i'm thinking of being with someone else.

i have been cheated on in the past but this right here has taken me on a ride. i'm thinking of going to therapy to get back to myself. after this horrific experience, i don't think that i will be good for anyone.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

jane, just the fact that you're questioning your value means you have value.

Get the therapist. Learn to love yourself. Once you do, you'll realize you should never have supported him in the first place, and you'll be free to live the life your parents dreamed of for you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Yep, it's time to move on. 

What are your plans for ending this marriage? 

One thing that you can do in the divorce is to get him to pay half of the debt you have incurred during the marriage.

Does he earn a more than you do? If so you can ask for interim spousal support during the divorce.

These things might help you clear up some of that debt.


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## poppyjane (Apr 10, 2014)

Hi EleGirl! right now, we are currently not living together and yes, at present he is earning more than i am. i really don't have the money for a lawyer right now so i was looking into one of those $399 divorce places. but i heard that they take really long and all they handle are divorces and nothing more. do you know if this is true?

all i want from him is to clean up the debt that he has left me in. i don't want anything else from him. i don't want to feel connected to him in anyway at all!!!


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## 101Abn (Jan 15, 2014)

You are doing the right thing by dumping this loser.If the Ow doesn't mean anything to him yet he is seeing her for 11 yrs and now is throwing in the x-wife to boot.What gets me p'od is the finances.he pays one bill the rent and hecan't do that on time.he should be helping you out with the other bills and not you maxing out your CC.with interest rates on CC it becomes a viscious cycle.but I guess he needs his money for the ow who doesn't mean anything to him.I can't figure him out not paying more because I pay all household bills for my wife and I and I'm on fixed income.My wife is on S's disability and she uses that for whatever she needs and her hobby.As for him running out of patience with you and his getting fed up,tell him he won't have to deal with it much longer.Wish you the very best of luck.


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## poppyjane (Apr 10, 2014)

101Abn, you are absolutely right! i was going to leave him once before behind him being this way. 

He told me that i was insulting his character because i believed that he was taking care of this other woman. i mean, this man really had a serious attitude with me. but i know that that was just his way of shifting blame. i told him that it didn't take a rocket scientist to figure this one out.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

poppyjane said:


> Hi EleGirl! right now, we are currently not living together and yes, at present he is earning more than i am. i really don't have the money for a lawyer right now so i was looking into one of those $399 divorce places. but i heard that they take really long and all they handle are divorces and nothing more. do you know if this is true?
> 
> all i want from him is to clean up the debt that he has left me in. i don't want anything else from him. i don't want to feel connected to him in anyway at all!!!


I've never used one of those $399 divorce places. They can work I suppose. It depends on how big a fight he puts up and what you are asking for.

You can also do your own divorce. Look up your states court self help center. I've used the ones in CA and New Mexico. They are very helpful. 

YOu can file in the court to get the interim support. You can also ask that the court order that your divorce fees be paid out of marital assets. This would mean that if he has savings and assets, he would have to pay your lawyer fees.

Do you have any idea what accounts he has and if he has savings, investments, etc?


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## 101Abn (Jan 15, 2014)

Poppyjane:he said you were insulting his character,he has no character to insult.he sounds delusional,just ignore him and move forward with your plans to leave his jazz. Good luck.


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## poppyjane (Apr 10, 2014)

Hi EleGirl. i only know of one account and the info i have is the name of the bank. he kept me separate from everything. i never knew how much money he was bringing in. i just knew that he had it and still does.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Find the money for a real lawyer. Take out a loan or borrow from relatives. You need a real lawyer to get you out of this financial mess. No way do you leave and get stuck paying off HIS debt.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

poppyjane said:


> Hi EleGirl. i only know of one account and the info i have is the name of the bank. he kept me separate from everything. i never knew how much money he was bringing in. i just knew that he had it and still does.


If there is any way that you can get his financial info do. Do you have access to the place he's living. Can you legally enter the place?

Do you get mail where he lives? IF you do, it's considered your legal residence.

One bit of advice I normally give anyone before divorcing is to get copies of every thing they can for accounts and legal papers of their spouse.

If you cannot get any info, you can first ask for him to provide the last 12 months statements for every financial account, investment, property, etc. Then if you do not believe that he has provided accurate info, you can as the court for the right to subpoena any financial institution that you believe he has accounts at... just need his SSN. They have to send you all his info.


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