# Married for 12 years, had affair for 5 with OM-hopes for R??



## wls (Jul 22, 2010)

Before anyone starts the horrible replays and the negative post, please read my post in its end.

I am 33 years old, my husband us 37. We have been together for 18 years last month, married 12 this past December. We have 3 amazing kids ages 12,10,6. It has been a long road fir us. He has always been an athlete and is 7 foot so he's always been a basketball player from the day I met him. We went to the same high school. Long story short, after high school I stayed (waited) for him while he bounced from college to college playing ball. Finally after my mother passed a year later he and I hit a place together- well he didn't live there he went to play ball in Mexico-so another year I sat and edited for him. Fast forward- we found oh d we were pregnant while finally planning our wedding, so wedding was off until after our son was born.

When my son was 6 months I decided to go to nursing school. After years and years of bring my husbands biggest cheerleader towards his dreams, all he could say to my nursing was " you'll never get in"-I did-"you'll never pass or graduate"-I did-"you'll never get and keep a job" I did I actually kept 3 even when we found out we were pregnant again. Fast forward- I spent years of him being unsupportive, starting his own business which ran us into the ground and then he bluntly blamed me one night," all I do is babysit these f***en kids! I could be going basketball if it wasn't for this!" That same night he admitted to cheating. So, I love him what else was I to do? I left with the kids, moved from Texas to Colorado to gave help from. Y family and give him his time. He gladly helped me pack, then sent me 2 kids and 2 Great Danes on our way and said "love you guys I'll see you in 2weeks! I've got a basketball fame to get to." And he was gone and off we left yo Colorado. The hardest,scariest thing I ever had yo do alone. What man does that? He loved his wife and family sooooo much he claimed, who does that? So as the months pasted, he would come up and visit, was loving and caring but shady and secretive about what he was doing in Texas. After a year of him not willing to move to Colorado, always saying in another month I had it. I filed divorce and told him I'd be seeing other people. He said he didn't want the divorce and he would move soon-another year goes by and I did start seeing someone. I then told him I'd be co i g down yo move him up if he really wanted to be a family, and he finally moved..........2days after moving yo Colorado he left to pick his MOTHER up in North corlina to move into MY(our) small rental!!! I begged him not to, said we needed to work on us first yet he did it anyway. So in comes the mother in law(whom I hardly knew) 3 weeks later he moved his BROTHER in! Ugh! So then the demands of getting a bigger home came in. I was working my a** off while they all sat a tho e (she couldn't even watch the kids she claimed due to her heart issues) he was playing pro basketball ( not being paid, but being paid by his aunt who was his "sponsor") I came home to new cars, speakers JUNK everyday!! Yet no house bills were paid, ever which I did catch up and deal with. I had been seeing so done for 5-6 months at that time, nothing g special or serious- and I told my husband it all. I also said ok I'm ready off the divorce, he said"no your going to break it off and we are fixing this marriage" and that was that. I thought it was very odd, hurtful and deceiving. But that's what we did. Fast forward- so next came the HUGE EXPENSIVE home to house our family PKUS his mother and brother. He was still trying to get signed pro but living and spending (without me knowing) like he had already signed a big money deal-never happened. He lied about not paying the mortgage, we both tried for another baby which finally gapoened, bought expensive cars, stopped paying bills, borrowed money from MY family behind my back.....and all the while he was GONE trying to get a ball deal making crap for money and lieing about it while continue eing to dig our debt grave.

I finas,y couldn't take it. Police banging on the door constantly with summons, notices of foreclosure, repos, my family attacking me about money he borrowed.....endless. His mother and him both asked that I quit school (I was returning for my BSN) and support him while he lives his dream, and if fords I quit (which I regret to this day). I finally kick his family out and give him husband options- bawling my eyes out (which had hardly ever answered anyway,this night I cannt believe I caught him) I told him he needed to either be home or lay everything out to me and be honest. This was November. (He left the night my daughter was born, leaving me to deal alone and his mother was nothing but a headache!) after he said he couldn't gone home I told him I wanted a divorce and to see other people. He said, don't do that I'll be home in April and we can work. Wth!!! Really???? I did nothing for months, he did come hind and swore he was going to help us get thru alllllllll the debt mess he created...he stayed for 3 weeks, wrote me a nite he had to leave again. In the time he was home a past boyfriend had contacted me on MySpace, which I laughed and let my husband read which was no big deal to him. He left that January. 3 weeks after him leaving here come the lawsuits agin- repos, missed payments, garnishments......on and on. So that night I email the toast boyfriend, and emailed my husband I had enough I was moving on. That started an affair that today is still so what there-5 1/2 years total. 

What a crazy 5+ years. My husband has known everything all along, continued to live in Texas, allow (almost make) my OM pay for stuff, help with my kids.....I filled, he still wouldn't sign. I never wanted a life without my husband, never wanted a life with the OM, but NEVER thought my husband would condone this mess. We moved to PENN 3 years ago together, my OM was relentless and I gad to go back to Denver to try and save our house (which should've been long gone and forclosed) and I didn't see the OM, I was committed to fixing us and my marriage and so was he. But out of no where he got another job in Texas and needed to "dump" the kids back with me. I told him I'd stay in PA, so that there would not be any contact with the OM, he refused. Good thing I was fixing our home in Denver or my kids and I would have no place to live. So he went back to texas and we stayed in Denver. 

I had a good nurse manager job, he was bouncing jobs again ( he's 37, had a real job starting at age 34- and he's and 5 in that time to now) he again went shady, hard to get ahold of, came up only 2 times last year. The OM was around again, which my husband knew all about. I planned a trip to Hawaii for my kids and my husband and me, have him 6 months notice and he bailed that week. We all knew he would. The OM was I distant he go, me not go alone and he bought the last ticket available 2 days before we left and came to Hawaii, my husband knew from the beginning. 

So here's to current. Our home forclosed finally out of no where right after returning from Hawaii. My husband could careless. My kids and I were about to have nowhere to live. The OM was and has been for 4 years begging me for marriage, to move my family in with him to vail Colorado and I always knew I didn't want that. I wanted my husband to BE A FATHER AND HUSBAND!!!! So after the house was gone, I pushed myself to texas and found a house with my husband. We went back and forth, although he hadn't ever wanted the divorce now all of a sudden he didn't know how we would work, but he knew we could. We moved to texas this past September, it's all been hard for the kids and me. The OM has been relentless. Calling and harassing. I finally gave in I. October and saw him. I also so him in November. If I saw him and talked to him he wouldn't freak out and harass my husband. In January it all came to a head. The OM got my home # and called and my husband answered. This pissed off my husband and he claimed we needed a break. How can I help what someone does!!? I couldn't stop him from calling!! I have begged for IC and MC for 10 years, he's never done any! I did do IC on and off for the last 7 years. So my husband left, I ended up seeing the OM that January so I could end it for good ( which I tried a restraining order, cops, and nothing to my benefit) my husband stayed gone for over a month. In that month I hardly if any spoke to the OM, hardly spoke to my husband and he didn't try to see the kids ir call. I found out from online he had been arrested for DUI while we were apart- which he later said he was roofed ANC at a bar not a business dinner. He came home in February, with his job he claims he had to be gone a lot and that he was. Constantly Gond all night, not calling. Just gone. The OM started his craziness again before Easter and called me with my husband on 3way. This whole conversation was still to stay away from me, the OM asked about my husband and I denied I was with him I fear the OM would start calling him and harassing my husband again, apparently that's the only part my husband heard and again my husband was pissed and needed another break and left town. He just couldn't take my side and trust me. 4 months of nothing to do with the OM and my husband runs again? So after an entire week of the OM threatening to show up at my house, which is don't know how he figured out, I freaked out it would be to much drama for my kids, neighbors and husband so I agreed to meet him in Dallas which I did, but did not tell my husband. I had hoped the OM would be gone, my husband swore ge would back me from then on to get hi. Gone. But it all came out the wk after Easter. The OM text my husband everything. So here we are again. I came clean about it all to my husband. That night my husband even assaulted me and claimed he would kill me and bury me where no one would find me. Never in 18 yrs had I saw hi like that. My husband has cheated sooooo many times, he claims that him not telling me things isn't him lieing. Ummmm. So it has now been 2 months my husbands been gone. He's giving me NC. our youngest fell off a chair and broke her wrist a dew weeks ago, had to get a cast and he couldn't be there for that so I calked the OM out of the blue and he flew here the next morning. Wring of me! Yes, but I'm sick of all the baggage on me! Alone! So as of niw, my husband claims NC doesn't know if he wants to work it out. Really? When you've known about EVERYTHING ALL THESE YEARS, ALLOWED ANOTHER MAN TO TAKE CARE OF UR WIFE AND KIDS, NOT BACK ME ON WHAT UR TELLING ME TO DO AND THROW THIS OUT AGAIN? Really, I need advice on this. I'm at the end. I've never wanted anyone but my husband I've showed it, but I also never wanted a husband that digs us a grave and walks away whenever he wants. He's cheated, lied, left stole you name it and I've took it. But I'm the ***** now? I own my mistakes, but I'm not going to be pissed on any longer. Advice please.


----------



## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

lol nope. the bull he wouldnt sign the divorce is bull crap you can get divorced even without the other signing. for both your sakes divorce


----------



## wls (Jul 22, 2010)

That's what I thought to. I called for weeks to get the divorce on default until the judge informed me the divorce was thrown out and would need to be refiled. My husband was given favor because he lived out if state and couldnt make the mediator appointments. Yes, it was thrown out twice. The 2nd I wanted to stop but was told I had to sign and him to stop it which never happened it was thrown out due to time limit. So here in Texas I have been informed if it's filed it goes thru regardless only if BOTH parties ding to stop it. Yeah, I thought by bring the petitioner I could get default, didn't happen. Sadly I want to save this, 18 years is worth it.


----------



## Just Joe (May 26, 2014)

What do you love about your husband? If you posted any of his good qualities, I think I missed them.


----------



## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Just Joe said:


> What do you love about your husband? If you posted any of his good qualities, I think I missed them.


It was in chapter 14. You missed it.


----------



## wls (Jul 22, 2010)

To say everything would be wrong. But I love how he was and who he wanted to be. We had a rough start, but worked so good as a team and got thru anything then he became such a sneak about money and it killed us. He blamed me and the kids for stealing his big ball dream, and I gave that back to him to do. I love how he did love me and our kids. 18 years, 3 kids, and never the opportunity to actually have a marriage.....from both sides it wasn't suppose to go this way. I love him, bottom line. Couldn't replace him, and would always run back. That's whats killing me right now.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Your letting someone else dictate the way you live your life.

Stop letting others control you.

You have the power to say enough is enough and change the direction the way your life is going.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Girl some of the hardest challenges in life bring the greatest rewards.

Getting out from under this will be hard, but look at where it could take you.


----------



## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

WOW I think this is the first time in the 8 years I have been lurking that I actually sort of feel sorry for a OM, for what I understand he entered in your life thinking he was taking your husband place (and no screwing a married woman for the high of it), you husband was not in the picture, he knew your husband was aware of his presence, he began to take care of you and your kids, bills, expenses and debts and then BUM, husband wants back and OM is out, and this happened cyclically making the OM to fall in a sort of stalker state of mind (but with obligations and resposabilities towards you).

anyway as bad as it sounds for him, is his fault for engaging himself emotionally to a woman that have not been divorced yet (but I am guessing that you probably told him at the beginning that everything was over between you and your husband).

anyway you come for advice and not for bashing, so my advice is, cut the two men of your life, you husband is a inmature serial cheater that for years have not take care of his family, his priority in life is him and only him (what he wants, how he feels, everything is about him) this kind of person should never marry or have kids, he is not healthy for you and he will never change, the OM in normal circunstances seems than he may have been a good prospect but I guess that the toxic relationship that you have lead all this years have screwed his mind severely and besides you obviously don't really want to be with him, so cut the two of them of your life and seek a healthy realtionship.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

You made your self a sh!t sandwich with all the unhealthy choices,
you phucked up,

my $0.02

run forest run


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

What exactly are you trying to save? Your relationship with someone who doesn't care about you and tried to financially bankrupt you? Your 5+ year affair?

You need to get rid of the deadwood in your life, and start taking ownership of yourself and your situation. You make it sound like all this stuff is just happening to you. But guess what? It's only happening to you because you let it! How about you try things WITHOUT a loser guy in your life? Think of how much smoother things would go!

C


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

manticore said:


> WOW I think this is the first time in the 8 years I have been lurking that I actually sort of feel sorry for a OM, for what I understand he entered in your life thinking he was taking your husband place (and no screwing a married woman for the high of it), you husband was not in the picture, he knew your husband was aware of his presence, he began to take care of you and your kids, bills, expenses and debts and then BUM, husband wants back and OM is out, and this happened cyclically making the OM to fall in a sort of stalker state of mind (but with obligations and resposabilities towards you).
> 
> anyway as bad as it sounds for him, is his fault for engaging himself emotionally to a woman that have not been divorced yet (but I am guessing that you probably told him at the beginning that everything was over between you and your husband).
> 
> anyway you come for advice and not for bashing, so my advice is, cut the two men of your life, you husband is a inmature serial cheater that for years have not take care of his family, his priority in life is him and only him (what he wants, how he feels, everything is about him) this kind of person should never marry or have kids, he is not healthy for you and he will never change, the OM in normal circunstances seems than he may have been a good prospect but I guess that the toxic relationship that you have lead all this years have screwed his mind severely and besides you obviously don't really want to be with him, so cut the two of them of your life and seek a healthy realtionship.


:iagree:


----------



## wls (Jul 22, 2010)

I agree. It just sad. We have a chance at making it work here, and he devotes his time to work. I'm sure he's seeing someone, but I'm stuck on what to do. He claims I should stay in Texas even if we do t work. I know it's just so he can see the kids. Why should I keep moving the kids to him and making him be a father? I'm willing to have a life here in Texas again as a family, but I'm not about convince for him. Shouldn't had be the one to be a dad no matter where my kids Live? I admit the OM. Was relentless, which is completely over and hone now, but shouldn't there be 109% from both sides? I'm just lost at this point.


----------



## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Boundaries - Softcover Book


----------



## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

as a nurse you can work anywhere

take your kids a disappear---get away from both of these guys---if you don't you will never have any peace

Your kids are gonna be very screwed up, if you do not get them in a stable quiet situation where there is no drama

Once settled then apply for a D., so you can eventually find a decent stable partner to hopefully spend the rest of your life with


----------



## wls (Jul 22, 2010)

My stomach is in knots this morning. My husband us still having me on NC, he's working god knows where and refuses to talk until he's ready. I fully understand his actions, and am used to him running so this hurts more than usual now. I agree with up and leaving both behind. My kids are really amazing, very well behaved kids and have watched their dad run for years but have also watched me work my a** off, 100 hrs a week and take care of everything for years which when I finally wanted out and started dating the OM, I waited over a year to introduce him to them. They are all 3 happy and supportive of whatever we do. They have watched someone else take care of things but have always really missed their dad. Their dad swears I have turned the kids against him and when he disappears he disappears from them too. It's all sad. My husband has said over and over he wanted to fix this and I'm here! Now he says he just needs help, he's deeply scared from me and doesn't know what he wants. Yes I've messed up, didn't have the OM completely out of the picture ASAP (big mistake) bickered and fought but how else do you save a marriage? Pretend it's all perfect? Everyday I feel stronger to just block it all out, focus on my kids work and plan to leave. But how do I let go of that deep feeling that I'm just still waiting for it to work? The OM left a vm late last night begging us all to pack and move back, he would always love us, never leave and take care of us, he's begging for this family. God that sounds so good to hear, if it wear coming from their dad who should say it not the OM and it wasn't such a messed up situation. God I pray I can start somewhere, I cannt have anymore sleepless nights. Accepting responsibility sets in deeper everyday and it helps, but it hurts at night and that's what I'm trying to get past. These post help, advice from any side helps to stay focused fir the right reasons.


----------



## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

wls said:


> I own my mistakes, but I'm not going to be pissed on any longer. Advice please.


What are you pissed about? It sounds like the entire thing is your fault. You ENABLED the entire situation. How is this story any different then sticking your hand in a blender over and over then complaining that your hand keeps bleeding?

Why are you chasing this LOSER husband of yours for all these years? Why are you using the OM as plan B? What has he ever done GOOD for you besides a bunch of empty promises?

You know exactly what you need to do but it's obvious that you will never do it. You need serious counseling to give you back the self-esteem you lost a long time ago. In case you need a hint, anything other than "run for the fvcking hills" is a bad choice.

I'm pissed I read that whole thing.... :banghead:


----------



## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

wls said:


> My husband has said over and over he wanted to fix this and I'm here! Now he says he just needs help, he's deeply scared from me and doesn't know what he want


WLS my girl, you got through nursing school so I know you're not stupid. I had folks in my law classes that flunked out of the nursing program. However, you have to rank as one of the most gullible chicks I know. You've been in fantasy land my dear. You give new meaning to the song, "Stand by my man". 
In case you haven't noticed, you're old man is like they say in Texas, "All hat and no cattle"; or is his case, all height and no brains. If he's such a well liked dad, why not let him be that without letting him drag you down. Give it another 18 years and you're going to be in the worse shape as he whittles away at you. Its your choice baby girl and nobody by you can make it.


----------



## ecotime47 (Apr 3, 2013)

I'm sorry to hear you and your kids have gone through so much. You've made a lot of poor choices - I think you know that. 

We all make bad decisions from time to time, however, I think one of the secrets to success in life is being able to learn from those mistakes and not make them again. 

I do think counseling would help you tremendously, at least it would be a strong first step. Perhaps it could help you determine any unresloved issues in your life that could be pushing you to make choices that turn out to be toxic for you or your family. If there is a bad root, you can expect to continue bearing bad fruit. Make sense? 

I hope the best for you. I know my life dramatically improved when I put my trust in Jesus as my Lord and Savior and got real about my past and all the issues that I still carried. He was the source of my healing and the pioneer of my future. I couldn't be happier. Blessings to you!


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I think you should get the divorce done and leave men alone. You clearly aren't picking the right guys. And your attitude about cheating is just weird. Swear off men for now, focus on your kids who for SURE need SOME stability in their lives instead of being dragged around by a woman who won't just take a stand because she puts having a man in her life first.

Did you tell your therapist that you were cheating?


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

turnera said:


> I think you should get the divorce done and leave men alone. You clearly aren't picking the right guys. And your attitude about cheating is just weird. Swear off men for now, focus on your kids who for SURE need SOME stability in their lives instead of being dragged around by a woman who won't just take a stand because she puts having a man in her life first.
> 
> Did you tell your therapist that you were cheating?


----------



## wls (Jul 22, 2010)

I did tell my therapist I was cheating. I had filed the divorce and never wanted to be labeled a liar or cheater, which i will be forever because I was hurt and not thinking right and jumped before I ever should have. I don't condone cheating and the hardest part of it all of this is me hating myself. My kids are incredibly stable. Even with the moves to PA and here to Texas, I had the same home for 9 yrs ( minus the year in PA and this year), job and babysitter for 8+ years, same schools, same everything. I've kept them away from any of the affair dramas, they are all to aware of their dad's issues though thru their own opinions. My kids are some if the happiest kids I know, never complain and easy going. They know from me telling them that things are wrong and not acceptable but they also have said and shown how understanding they are. There isn't one day I haven't made my life about them first and they know that. I do give myself that I have been and am a very good mother. I give myself I am a good nurse and good hard worker, honest and dependable. Yes I'm honest. I've got the biggest conscience of anyone, anything that weighs on that I come clean period even if I take the fall. I'm the first to take what's coming and try and correct. Even with seeing someone else I have always been very upfront and open and honest to my husband. I've told him when I wanted out, filed and gave him umpteen chances to change situations before they went a different direction. No I have not been ok with having an affair EVER, I have always thought it was odd and hurtful my husband was...I don't know if ok is the word...but didn't want the divorce, wouldn't sign the divorce and drug it out. Yes at this point it's my fault I should have put the hammer down years ago and not done anything until the divorce was done, no matter the time frame. I shouldn't have let it go on period. There's a feeling of hate towards myself and that always will linger. I was completely upfront with the OM as well and always have been. I have made bad choices, then went back to previous bad choices, doesn't put me down as a bad person. Every situation is different, mine is just really different, like every therapist says. Doesn't mean that I have a different outlook or opinion on things like cheating. There's never an excuse for cheating, reasons yes which will never nor have ever made it ok. As far as my kids go, I have thankfully always stayed strong and stable when it gas involved them. I will continue to do so, as well as try a deal emotionally with my own mess.


----------



## wls (Jul 22, 2010)

I'm not ever going to say I have been right in my actions, but am the first to say I will never be in this position again. Divorce or R, never will I be in any type of a cheating relationship. It's killed me for years, it's torn up many people feelings around me. Bad choices, nothing comes out ok with affairs, ever. They are band aids that cause more damage, I've learned this.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Stop listening to what your husband says with his mouth and instead listen to what he's saying w/ his actions. He may very well want to fix his marriage, salvage his family, etc but those certainly aren't his primary concerns. Actually, let me change that around a bit... _He'd like to have his marriage fixed and his family salvaged, but by someone else. He's not interested in doing what needs to be done in order to make either of those "goals" become reality._

So these aren't really even goals for him. It's like he knows that the roof needs to be replaced, but he's not interested or even willing to just pick up the phone and start making calls.

It sounds like the only thing that he's really interested in working toward is his primary goal (making big $$$ as a pro ball player) which, actually, is his only actual goal. Once he has that, if he can have his marriage and family as well, then he's OK w/ that. But he's not interested in doing anything to make that happen.

Someone asked earlier what it was that you love about your husband. Your response to that sort of leads me to believe that you're addicted to/infatuated with/obsessed with him.

Now, about OM... What, if anything, do you love about him? 

Honestly I think turnera pretty much hit the nail on the head earlier. You want your husband, and it kills you that he doesn't seem to want you as much, at the same level, to the same degree, etc. OM is a nice "beta" sort of substitute but he doesn't quite scratch all of your "itches" in the same way that your husband does. 

If this is a fair assessment, then do him a favor and leave him the hell alone, because if and when your husband finally starts to sort of get his sh*t together (and even if he doesn't see it through, which seems likely), you'll just dump OM and go running to your husband. Unless I'm missing something?

So, my advice? Divorce. And then... Who knows?


----------



## OpenEnded (Jul 30, 2012)

File for bankruptcy get rid of the debt. 
Then file for divorce with a lawyer and complete it.
Send a non contact note to OM. 
Change all your phone # and emails ...

and start the rest of your life with a clean slate.

What do you think?


----------



## wls (Jul 22, 2010)

Today......I did change all numbers and emails. Spoke with a divorce attorney, ugh cried all day. Yep it's time to let go, come clean forgive and try to move on. I just still feel the pull to wait to talk to my husband, the whole what if this could work crap again I feel. This is my fault at this point, what else to do to fix it? These posts have helped. The weekend to ponder.......I still have heard no word from my husband. What's new, he could be in another country or next door! Nothing for days! The OM sadly has left sad vm about starting a life together. Changed #s, he deserves better I know. How cud I let all this get so screwed up?? Ugh. Come Monday.....


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

OpenEnded said:


> File for bankruptcy get rid of the debt.
> Then file for divorce with a lawyer and complete it.
> Send a non contact note to OM.
> Change all your phone # and emails ...
> ...


File for divorce first. After you have a divorce file for bankruptcy.

Any debt that your husband creates between the date the bankruptcy final, and the date your is filed is also your debt.

Filing for divorce usually stops your being liable for any new debt that your husband makes. 

Coordinate filing for divorce and for bankruptcy carefully.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

wls said:


> Today......I did change all numbers and emails. Spoke with a divorce attorney, ugh cried all day. Yep it's time to let go, come clean forgive and try to move on. I just still feel the pull to wait to talk to my husband, the whole what if this could work crap again I feel. This is my fault at this point, what else to do to fix it? These posts have helped. The weekend to ponder.......I still have heard no word from my husband. What's new, he could be in another country or next door! Nothing for days! The OM sadly has left sad vm about starting a life together. Changed #s, he deserves better I know. How cud I let all this get so screwed up?? Ugh. Come Monday.....


What are your feelings for the OM? I'm confused about this.

So you have no idea where your husband lives and works right now? There are things you could do to find him. PI's tend to know how to do this. 

How long has he been gone this time?


----------



## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

You need to leave the state you are in---and go where neither of these guys can find you and start over

after you have settled in, gotten a job, got your kids stable in a school---then file for your D---just tell the court your H, left, and you don't know where he is, and can't contact him---the law provides for these kinds of situations

Do not go back to your lover---1st he is a bad guy---for getting into an A with a married woman---you may have been on the outs with your H---BUT YOU WERE MARRIED NOT DIVORCED---so your lover is also a loser-----AND----your lover sets off your H, who then wants to do whatever he can---to get even with your lover

YOU MUST GET AWAY FROM BOTH OF THESE LOSERS---AND DO IT NOW


----------



## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

The OM is not the answer.

and your H is not the answer.

help your kids and get out of this mess. It is good that OM is gone.

Time to start over.


----------



## wls (Jul 22, 2010)

My husband first moved in with us when we first moved to Texas....I say that but all he had was a duffel bag. We haven't lived together in 5 years, and ironically all he claimed he owned was a small bag of clothes. Later I found out he had stuff stored at random places. Right now I was told by my kids when they went with him for one weekend since he's been gone, 2 months now, he lives in our home town a few hrs away with guys we went to high school with, 2 MAle roommates. My kids said they have a big pool a hot tub and the house is covered in beer cans and dirty. My kids slept on the floor in his so called "rented room". Also, he has since "retired" from ball and currently works in the oil field as a company man. I do know the company he works for which I've said I was going to how there and ask his boss where he is, he claims they don't know because he travels so much so his words "good luck finding me". Last month he was in Arizona, tis month he claims he's been to OK,LA bed all over Texas. No telling where he is.

Feelings towards the OM. He is a good nan, has a temper but a good guy. I've been upfront that if things were different I could love him, but sadly because of my husband I never could. He's fun and outgoing, he has a daughter and is a really good dad. He deserves better and any woman would be lucky on the right start. He's just persistent! Very hard to get away from him no matter where I live. It gets old. 

I do need to start over. Moving back here has been a nightmare. My husband told me the other day if I loved him I'd wait eternity!! Wtf? Really we have only been waiting 15 years for him to grow up and settle down! Hence why I tried to move on, which didn't work out the right way. I'm thinking he got us to move here so when the D is filed he could allocate me here so he could have convince to the kids. The kids don't even want to see or Talk to him, except my youngest, they say they really don't know him and are afraid to say what they feel. He claims I've turned my kids against him, but they pretty much gave their own opinion and font really care either way. Yes been gone majority of their lives, unless I've flown him to Denver, moved for him or brought the kids to him. He can to Denver last year 2 times, both for work, one weekend on mother day! So as if today, he texted my son why foes to he call? My son said he doesn't want to talk to him. I text my husband that the best time you want to see the kids it will be in a family counseling apt. Between him and the kids. My husband gas claimed counseling for years and never been yo one apt for MC,IC or family. So am I wrong to force this? My kids need to learn yo talk to him and he to them. He's text back I just "sealed the deal" and that was fine. What does that mean??


----------



## wls (Jul 22, 2010)

I'm sorry it's so drama and long posts. Can y'all tell I have no one to talk to about this? Really sucks. Thanks for all the advice. Even ones that put me in my place. I take full responsibility now it's just snapping out if it. None of this was earth it, lesson learned more and more everyday.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

So what's your plan? If you make one, it's easier to move forward.


----------



## wls (Jul 22, 2010)

My plan. So I finally talked to my husband, appears he's in Mexico on "business" until next week. My plan is by July 1 we are moving and I will file D soon after then bankruptcy. I'm afraid he will try and keep us here because of the allocating stuff, so I'm not to sure on those laws. What a mess. Dealing with such a crap marriage for so long and I chose to bring in someone else, so that's my husbands focus. If the D would've went thru years ago, I wouldn't have this label and it wouldn't be so messed up. I hate my past choices. It's jus very weird, why does my husband treat me the exact same, now because of the affair he says, but he treated me no different before it happened. That's whats got my head so messed up. He knew about it from day one, almost condoned it never any different in his actions, but now he claims he's mad he never did anything wrong. So my question is, why is it the same treatment and actions after this as before? I don't get it. He still says he doesn't know if he wants a D, but he ll let me know as soon as he feels like it. Sadly I still love him, and it's got me crazy confused. But it's leave and do this now or it'll happen later. Mess.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Your husband is a child, which means that you're in love with a "man" that doesn't exist.

To Hell with what he wants. Do what's right for you and your kids.

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

wls said:


> He still says he doesn't know if he wants a D, but he ll let me know as soon as he feels like it. Sadly I still love him


First, who the hell CARES if he wants a divorce? Just like every other f'd up mistake you've made in this marriage and in your kids' lives, you accept no responsibility and let others dictate your choices. It's time to grow up and make grown-up decisions. Move back home and file for divorce. I'm sure there are laws that will allow you to get divorced with or without his support. Stop leaving the responsibility on his shoulders.

Second, so what if you still love him? This marriage is one of the most screwed up marriages I've ever seen, and I've seen a LOT. Love or not, it's no reason to keep doing this to your kids. Be the lone adult in this mess-up and go home and do the right thing.


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

What a mess wls!!

Reading your posts in itself was stressing me out..


----------



## wls (Jul 22, 2010)

I agree it's been a mess for years. Filed for D today. Cannt leave Texas until it's final, hopefully he doesn't push anything. Kids started counseling today, which they liked talking about everything. Many many bad choices over the years, making lots of changes. Requested their dad only see the kids at this point with a councilor until after a few visits, requested mandatory that he provide a home they could have their own rooms (the girls slept with him my don on the floor). He's apparently making great $ I'm sure he can afford a place. Retained lawyer for D and bankruptcy today. Feeling better, just empty. I am owning all the responsibility, doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. It hurt before this whole mess. My kids have been great, not f-ed up at all. They are happy kids, I've always had them with councilors throughout school because their dad was gone and they have always been outta the drama. I enrolled in classes again today, 6 classes left to my BSN, finishing that!! House is half packed for when we can move, hopefully before kids school starts. Busy weekend, busy day. Getting better.


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

the guy said:


> You made your self a sh!t sandwich with all the unhealthy choices,
> you phucked up,
> 
> my $0.02
> ...


Now you can advertise to others how much of a mess cheating really makes, no matter what Hollywood or the stats say.


----------



## wls (Jul 22, 2010)

And no there is NO intimacy. WE DO NOT SLEEP TOGETHER. I haven't seen him in months. I do t plan on any contact. I've changed all the contact info. He is able to contact the kids through their cells, which he always has been able to do but oddly never seems to.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

wls said:


> I agree it's been a mess for years. Filed for D today. Cannt leave Texas until it's final, hopefully he doesn't push anything. Kids started counseling today, which they liked talking about everything. Many many bad choices over the years, making lots of changes. Requested their dad only see the kids at this point with a councilor until after a few visits, requested mandatory that he provide a home they could have their own rooms (the girls slept with him my don on the floor). He's apparently making great $ I'm sure he can afford a place. Retained lawyer for D and bankruptcy today. Feeling better, just empty. *I am owning all the responsibility*, doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. It hurt before this whole mess. My kids have been great, not f-ed up at all. They are happy kids, I've always had them with councilors throughout school because their dad was gone and they have always been outta the drama. I enrolled in classes again today, 6 classes left to my BSN, finishing that!! House is half packed for when we can move, hopefully before kids school starts. Busy weekend, busy day. Getting better.


About ^this (the part in bold above)...

You are responsible for _ONLY_ _*your decisions*_. You're not responsible for his decisions. Yeah, maybe you enabled him, but don't be so willing to settle for any blame that isn't rightfully assigned to you.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

wls said:


> And no there is NO intimacy. WE DO NOT SLEEP TOGETHER. I haven't seen him in months. I do t plan on any contact. I've changed all the contact info. He is able to contact the kids through their cells, which he always has been able to do but oddly never seems to.


Make sure that you're documenting each and every time that he contacts them. Should be relatively easy since it sounds like he doesn't do it all that often.

In fact, *DOCUMENT EVERYTHING*, as you may be in for a nasty custody battle.


----------



## wls (Jul 22, 2010)

Cheating is a waste of time, yes I can advertise that. It's a band aid over a wound that makes everything worse. Regardless how I tried to get out of my crap marriage, the affair was a mistake. When a women is married to a lying pos, get out if it, there's no excuse to bring in another person, I've learned first hand. It's all nothing but hurt alllll the way thru to the end on every side and the forever effects are devastating and not worth it.


----------



## wls (Jul 22, 2010)

From what I hear he's going after full custody since Texas is a custody state. He's claiming adultery, like I said before I filed WAY. Before I ever started seeing someone, it was over then. So it cannot be adultery if it didn't end the marriage, I filed in 2008 abandonment, and again the same in 2011. Adultery did not end thus marriage, though he's pushing that because he claims we were fine until I cheated. BS. Luckily I have LOTS of backup to it being done years ago. But yes I cheated because on paper we were still married, I was 100% upfront about it from day one all the way thru! he has denied his cheating yet there's been MANY, and ignored divorce papers and any affair fir 5 years, which he openly admits. I doubt any judge will allow such a man, with no stable home who hardly knows his kids any kind of custody. But you never know. Thankfully I've been keeping track for over a year on his contact. My lawyer us pushing for a PI suspecting he's been hiding assists. Ugh. Nightmare.


----------



## intuitionoramiwrong (Mar 18, 2014)

wls said:


> From what I hear he's going after full custody since Texas is a custody state. He's claiming adultery, like I said before I filed WAY. Before I ever started seeing someone, it was over then. So it cannot be adultery if it didn't end the marriage, I filed in 2008 abandonment, and again the same in 2011. Adultery did not end thus marriage, though he's pushing that because he claims we were fine until I cheated. BS. Luckily I have LOTS of backup to it being done years ago. But yes I cheated because on paper we were still married, I was 100% upfront about it from day one all the way thru! he has denied his cheating yet there's been MANY, and ignored divorce papers and any affair fir 5 years, which he openly admits. I doubt any judge will allow such a man, with no stable home who hardly knows his kids any kind of custody. But you never know. Thankfully I've been keeping track for over a year on his contact. My lawyer us pushing for a PI suspecting he's been hiding assists. Ugh. Nightmare.


He couldn't even be bothered to be there for your children when he had the chance. He won't get full custody. He's never held a job, you have. You have been through all of this sh!t...divorce will be a piece of cake.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Move back to your home and THEN file. Let the courts sort it out. Hopefully you won't be stuck living in Texas because of the kids.


----------

