# Trust



## WomanScorned (May 8, 2011)

I was just wondering if any of you are having issues with trusting others after divorce? My ex had an affair and filed for divorce over a year ago. I'm finding it really hard to trust in general, and I'm afraid to reach out to people because I am terrified that they will let me down. I have been doing this by myself, and it's lonely and hard not to have friends or family to lean on. I don't have family, and I've neglected my friends, so I am alone. I was doing ok, but recently the ex married the OW and they are starting a new family, and that has been extra difficult for me. I am in IC. So I guess my question is how do you trust again? How have some of you dealt with it?


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

I have felt a lack of trust, but also am seeing people once trusted in a new light. A not so bright new light. I was running around doing stuff for people all over the place at work and at home, and none of it was for any purpose other than for them to appreciate me and for me to glean some sense of worth for myself from it. 
After the divorce, I pulled in all the lines and found my power in the word "no". 
Im the type to feel bad when I know saying "no" is going to disappoint whomever needs something, but I found out it doesnt really count to a whole lot of the people I was centered around.

I do have family, even close in terms of relations, but they can only help to an extent, and my "repeating record" calls were getting less and less beneficial. 
Ive recluded a lot, and have focused my time and communications with only a few very close friends and family. 
Anymore however, eleven months after my divorce, I am starting to ease up some. I believe i have been influenced in a way to expect bullsh!t about 70% of the time from many people I have to have contact with in life's daily activities, but there are those precious few that I can believe in. 

I think this issue of trust will eventually come around. I am sure I will be less inclined to blindly trust, and will have to have some boundaries that will remain unbroken, but I think theres people out there with the same frame of mind towards trustworthy behavior in a relationship.


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

I can relate as I'm sure many many many can. I'm not even divorced yet and I feel like my heart is made of stone.


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## frigginlost (Oct 5, 2011)

WomanScorned said:


> I was just wondering if any of you are having issues with trusting others after divorce? My ex had an affair and filed for divorce over a year ago. I'm finding it really hard to trust in general, and I'm afraid to reach out to people because I am terrified that they will let me down. I have been doing this by myself, and it's lonely and hard not to have friends or family to lean on. I don't have family, and I've neglected my friends, so I am alone. I was doing ok, but recently the ex married the OW and they are starting a new family, and that has been extra difficult for me. I am in IC. So I guess my question is how do you trust again? How have some of you dealt with it?


Yup, I have trust issues as well. Having your world destroyed is a hard thing to overcome. But I just try to tell myself that I would rather go down as a fighter rather than as someone who let life beat them. Spiritually within myself I have grown a ton. What I found the hardest (and still very hard) is accepting that a person is truly alone after losing someone you planned to grow old with. If a person can accept that some things are not always forever, I think a person can grow to trust again. 

Another way I look at is, just because someone who you thought was your soulmate destroyed you, it doesn't necessarily mean that you will not find an even stronger soulmate...

Love with everything you have. I would rather lose at loving than to win at lying. Meaning move forward. Don't allow yourself to guard so much that your inner protection causes problems for someone who truly does become interested in you...


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

It's hard to drop your baggage at the door before entering a new relationship.I don't think there really is a trick to doing this.
It's a discipline thing for me.I have to consciously remind myself every single day that every one is different.just bc some men cheated and lied doesn't mean they all will cheat and lie.

It's a daily mental exercise.

And above all else remember if you let your past destroy your future,the person/people who hurt you have won.don't give them that power.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You are not alone.

I will never trust anyone 100% again.

I also no longer believe in "forever." It seems ridiculous to me.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> I also no longer believe in "forever." It seems ridiculous to me.


glad i'm not the only one who sees it this way.at times i feel cynical for it but then i realize it's just being realistic.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Yep. It's not cynical at all. It's reality. 

After a divorce, there is a HUGE sense of naivete that gets lost. You see the world through a different perspective, I think. Things that you believed were absolutes, aren't anymore, it seems.


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## solitudeseeker (May 1, 2011)

Both my crappy childhood and the ending of my marriage have greatly affected my ability to trust. I operate much as you do, flying solo and forging ahead on my own. I dislike appearing to be "needy", and don't want to bother people with my problems. It's a pretty lonely road, but at this point I'm not able to reach for people. I fear being rejected. Can't take much more of that.

I'm entering my second year of being without my husband, and my goal this year is to make one or two new friends. I need some girlfriends to talk with, hang out with. My teenaged daughter needs to see a less reclusive mom.


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## WomanScorned (May 8, 2011)

Thank you all for your great replies! I have a couple of friends I go to lunch with, but I don't have any 'hang' out type friends. It's funny.....I think I used to be the kind of person who trusted too much, now I find myself holding back so much. Which is probably a good thing. Now if I could find that happy medium ground I'd be Ok. I think my fear of trusting comes from a deeper fear that I will not be ok if someone I love betrays my trust. With the ex I landed in a psych hospital with severe depression/suicidal ideation, which scared the hell out of me as I've NEVER been like that before, so out of control. I am learning boundaries, which I think will help.


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## solitudeseeker (May 1, 2011)

I've battled the depression and suicidal thoughts. It comes from giving your heart to someone and having it torn to pieces and flung back at you like it's trash. Mine was an 18 year marriage.

Maybe someday I will soften and be willing to take a risk once more, but my current mindset is that I will never again permit myself to be that vulnerable. I no longer believe in love.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Boundaries are good, WS.


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## nexgen (Mar 6, 2012)

I was very trusting with everyone around me until my ex gave me the not in love with you speech, then cheated, lied, and manipulated me. After close to six months of that torture, she discarded me like I was no longer useful to her. We shared 11 years of our life, but now I'm alone and she is doing whatever people like that do when they decide to cut and run from everyone and everything that was part of her old life...

...I no longer have the ability to trust like I used to...and I hate that about myself! I want it back but I'm not even sure that it's possible anymore.


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## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

I've never been quick to trust people.

I generally don't, and the only way I have ever grown to trust people is through feeding them tiny snippets and waiting to see what they do with it. 

I know which of these people talk more, because it comes back to me. I also watch their behavior about the other people in their life.

I keep a tight close knit circle of people, none of which are alike, but all of which I trust in one way or the other depending on the type of information I'm dumping into them. 

Since my divorce, I've lost my shame so to speak. Since my dirty laundry was plastered all over the county and all over my work place my need to keep "secrets" and my quietness about my private life has really dulled. In stead of trusting people I wear myself on my sleeve as an in your face approach to meeting people. they can take it or leave it at that.


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