# I'm so broken



## Heartbroken32571 (May 25, 2017)

I've been married for almost 21 years to a man I love with all my heart and soul. His parents both passed away 3 years ago, within 1 month of each other. He moved to their house to take care of them before their passing. It was a very traumatic experience. He inherited his childhood home and that's where we live now. 
I know he has been in a funk lately and not as affectionate as he used to be. When I tried to talk to him, he said he just needed to be alone. He goes camping by himself, to get away from everything. That he doesnt want to be around anyone. 
Last week I asked him if he still wanted to be married to me. He said he didn't know anymore. He said it feels like we are just co existing. We don't have sex very often. I have a low sex drive and on antidepressant meds for anxiety. He told me on Thursday of last week that he wasnt happy and hadnt been for a year. and he wasn't sure what he wanted. His friend asked him if he could stand not seeing me everyday for the next 20 years. When he left to go camping, I knew he had made the decision that he was done.He called me on Friday and asked me if I'd come there with , him. I said yes. He came to get me and took me in his arms and said he had forgotten his wife. That he couldn't not see me for the next 20 years. We talked about the lack of sex, about how I've pulled away. (The more distant he got, the more I tried to give him space), my lack of follow through with my diet, etc. Now, he says he came back for me because of that question and because I was hurting. Never because he can't be without me. We have never fought, never gotten into heated arguments. We've always been good together and for each other, until now. He says he loves me, but he's not in love with me. He says he's thought about cheating, but hasn't. He's trying to act almost normal, but I feel like he's pretending. He still spoons with me at night, but he doesn't put his arm around me. I'm so distraught and heartbroken. I don't know how to do this. I don't want to lose him. 
Please help


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## Tex X (May 17, 2017)

Heartbroken32571 said:


> He says he loves me, but he's not in love with me.


I hate to be the one to tell you this, but that is a classic cheater line. Maybe or maybe not PA, but I'd bet EA at least. Camping trips by himself to "get away from everybody" is very convenient. I hope I'm wrong, but eyes wide open. Ask me how I know...


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## Tex X (May 17, 2017)

You need to channel your inner strength and get ahead of this thing. Work on YOU and get yourself to a better mental and physical state for YOU!! That will make dealing with this mess a whole lot easier. You just can't let one person have that much power over you, no matter how long you've been married.


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## Absurdist (Oct 10, 2014)

Tex X said:


> I hate to be the one to tell you this, but that is a classic cheater line. Maybe or maybe not PA, but I'd bet EA at least. Camping trips by himself to "get away from everybody" is very convenient. I hope I'm wrong, but eyes wide open. Ask me how I know...


Maybe. Maybe not.

What I do see is the death of both parents, probable depression, contemplation of mortality, mid-life angst and excessive navel gazing.

You both need counseling and he may need meds himself.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Tex X said:


> I hate to be the one to tell you this, but that is a classic cheater line. Maybe or maybe not PA, but I'd bet EA at least. Camping trips by himself to "get away from everybody" is very convenient. I hope I'm wrong, but eyes wide open. Ask me how I know...


Those Texan guys know all about pitching those 2-person tents in the desert.

Yikes! A man..a women lover?

Hopefully, he did not pitch his tent on Brokeback Mountain.

But, this is conjecture. Conjecture, until it isn't.

Start snooping...his phone, phone bills, his computer, all his email and messaging apps, all forms of communication.

I would put a VAR in his car, velcro-ed or taped under his seat. These can be bought for ~$62.00 at Best Buy. Buy a Sony, read the manual.

Your marriage is not over yet. It does not look good, though.


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## Tex X (May 17, 2017)

Sun - you're funny. I'm a man that absolutely loves women. I'm suggesting that it's possible that he wasn't really going camping at all. A good excuse to get out of the house for the weekend though.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Camping alone? Sure. ILWYBNILWY. Red flags.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

HB, like the others said above, start keeping your mouth shut, eyes and ears wide open. 
It could well be that the death of both parents has shook him up a bit and he may feel the lack of emotionally support from you if you have been withdrawn.
Be kind and loving but with some skeptism first, don't throw caution to the wind, just yet. It well may be nothing and just a storm you have to ride through together.
If you are low drive, the disconnect may be due to that, men need sex for bonding. He may be feeling emotionally abandoned.


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## Kira (May 20, 2017)

I could never truly get the meaning of ILYBNILWY statement. Maybe I am too logical and rational... Who would be in so called "in love" after 20 years of living together? Like butterfly in the stomach? And why telling your partner I don't feel this passion anymore? I love my husband deeply, but my heart does not beat drummers when I see him. 

I would suggest you to give it some time. It looks to me it can be just a crisis which will pass.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

Heartbroken32571 said:


> I've been married for almost 21 years to a man I love with all my heart and soul. His parents both passed away 3 years ago, within 1 month of each other. He moved to their house to take care of them before their passing. It was a very traumatic experience. He inherited his childhood home and that's where we live now.
> I know he has been in a funk lately and not as affectionate as he used to be. When I tried to talk to him, he said he just needed to be alone. He goes camping by himself, to get away from everything. That he doesnt want to be around anyone.
> Last week I asked him if he still wanted to be married to me. He said he didn't know anymore. He said it feels like we are just co existing. We don't have sex very often. I have a low sex drive and on antidepressant meds for anxiety. He told me on Thursday of last week that he wasnt happy and hadnt been for a year. and he wasn't sure what he wanted. His friend asked him if he could stand not seeing me everyday for the next 20 years. When he left to go camping, I knew he had made the decision that he was done.He called me on Friday and asked me if I'd come there with , him. I said yes. He came to get me and took me in his arms and said he had forgotten his wife. That he couldn't not see me for the next 20 years. We talked about the lack of sex, about how I've pulled away. (The more distant he got, the more I tried to give him space), my lack of follow through with my diet, etc. Now, he says he came back for me because of that question and because I was hurting. Never because he can't be without me. We have never fought, never gotten into heated arguments. We've always been good together and for each other, until now. He says he loves me, but he's not in love with me. He says he's thought about cheating, but hasn't. He's trying to act almost normal, but I feel like he's pretending. He still spoons with me at night, but he doesn't put his arm around me. I'm so distraught and heartbroken. I don't know how to do this. I don't want to lose him.
> Please help


Start having sex with him again. I don't know your husband, but for most men, that would make all the difference in the world.

As far as his alone camping trips, it doesn't strike me as an excuse for cheating. It may be, so if you suspect something, then by all means put a voice activated recorder into his car and find out.

Marital counseling would also be highly advised.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Assuming he's not cheating, he is reaching out to you. Embrace that. Learn about marriage, what can go wrong, and what you can do to make a marriage better.

Start with His Needs Her Needs. Ask him to read it with you. It's an excellent book to read together. It will teach you SO much about how to have a happy, fulfilling marriage.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You are in the danger zone. Sex bonds. You have none.

Check your phone bill. So you know what you're up against. 

Men need sex. Someone else's will provide it. If that's what he seeks. Bank on that.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

There's not a smoking gun here but many little changes in behavior that 9 times out of 10 indicate a 3rd party on the scene. 

Do not ask him if there is someone else because he will just say no and then hide it deeper. Do your own investigation or hire a PI. Search his computer, emails, phone records, social media etc and put a VAR in his car and any other place he may have private conversations. 

Look into whether there is someone else first because if he is seeing someone else, then all the discussions and all the therapy and counseling and all the medications etc etc will have no impact. 

You have to eliminate that first. 

You don't have proof of an affair yet, but there is certainly probably cause to warrant investigating that possibility thoroughly.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

You love him with all your heart and soul, but you don't f him??? I suggest you get your head on straight and start putting out before you lose what you "claim" to love (in quotes because love is a verb, actions not words).


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