# I don't love her anymore, and I have a kid



## Pyro

Me and my partner have been together for 5 years now. She is a wonderful person, she loves me endlessly, really cares about me and she is such a good mother for my little girl.

The problem is, I don't love her anymore. I don't know why, but I really have to force myself to tell her that I love her. 
Im torn apart. At one side, I have no idea why I managed to create this situation. I mean why on earth would I not love her anymore? Shes caring, loves me, and fairly attractive. But I just can't convince myself that I am going to spend the rest of my life with her. And don't get me wrong, I know I'm a bad person. I absolutely hate myself, I can not look into my own eyes in the mirror anymore.

We have a beautiful baby. She is so hopeful in life. She, like her mom, has no idea I'm having these thoughts. I don't want her to suffer because of my selfishness. I am willing to sacrifice and live a lie for her. I can live like this for at least another 20 years if it is necessary. but the question is, should I?

Should I be selfish and ruin this family, or, keep these feeling to myself and lie to them about my feelings?


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## wilted_flower

oh, boy... well, this isn't an easy answer. 

I would suggest counseling for yourself first and foremost, to find out if there is something going on that might be causing this disconnect for you. 

And I do think she deserves to be with someone who loves her fully... even though you may be lying to her about how you feel, I can't imagine that she doesn't feel something is amiss, even if she doesn't talk about it. 

I would worry about the resentment that could build over time from either party (from building a life on a lie), that could have devastating effects on your relationship, but more importantly, your child. I would hate a young child to have such a dysfunctional relationship for a model as to how relationships are supposed to be. 

I suggest you seek counseling for yourself NOW, and either simultaneously or later on, counseling with your partner. She needs to know you're struggling so that you can address the issues. Counseling will help you see if there are issues that can be fixed, or if maybe it is time to simply walk away. Either way, you've got to make an effort to make things better, to fix things. 

Make an effort, or let it go... but don't continue to live inside a lie.


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## LVS

I got this text from a friend and i found a lot of wisdom in it

"No one falls in love by choice, it is by chance.
No one stays in love by chance, it is by work.
And no one falls out of love by chance, it is by choice."

Go to marriage Builder check the emotional needs
and love busters questionnaires 
Marriage Builders® Questionnaires

Hope this site will help you 

Try to remember when things started to change between you and why.

Good luck


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## Pyro

You're right. I am probably need help, maybe I'm just being ungrateful and just going through a phase. Not really sure.

But I do feel like it has always been about making her happy in life. When I met her, she was in a very bad state of mind for various reasons. I really tried to make her love life again and have successfully done so, but sadly at my own life's expense.

I didn't really want a baby at this stage. She got pregnant "by mistake", and because she really wanted to keep the baby, I went along with her. She lost the baby after 3 months and went back into this deep depression which I worked so hard to take her out of.

I can't see her sad, and while I don't feel too much love, I still do deeply care for her. So, I just promised her, that we would try again to have a baby and we did.

I love my little girl, I just wasn't prepared to be a father right now.

Now she wants to live in Spain next to her friends and family. I don't want to. But, I can't even begin to argue about it as she is too sensitive about it.

I guess I just want to let it off my chest… and surely need to get some counseling


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## LVS

You need to do counseling and you need to stop being people pleaser 

For a bit i thought you might be going through midlife crisis.
But with your last post i can see your SELF screaming for rescue you need to breathe.
You can't keep going like that, if you don't take care of yourself nobody will....

This is an unhealthy situation and you are not helping her in the long term you are destroying yourself and building more walls between you and her.

I agree with Wilted-Flower and strongly suggest you see an individual therapist as soon as you can..


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## Brewster 59

First of all you have a child wheather you were ready or not, she didnt get pregnant on her own. So I dont know what youre definition of love is. Love is a choice not a feeling, the warm gushy feeling when you first go out with somebody never lasts.

You also could be going through a phase, and adjusting to the changes having a child brings with it.


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## Pyro

Brewster 59 said:


> First of all you have a child wheather you were ready or not, she didnt get pregnant on her own.


Oh no im not saying she did, I just was clear to her about the fact that I was not ready to have a kid at this stage of my life. But her emotions won it again.

I do take responsibility for my actions, after all, I decided to go ahead with pregnancy and doing my best to be a good dad for my baby.

This thing about love being a choice... I always thought it should be felt. I don't feel like hugging her and kissing her anymore. I really have to make an effort to make her feel happy with the fact that im still in love with her. But im not, I'm just here to make her life have a meaning and enjoy the time with my kid. This is why I feel like im lying to her, its disgusting. I feel terrible everytime I smile and tell her that I love her.

None of this is her fault tho, this are the choices I have made and it feels like I have got it wrong.

It's really confusing. I really care about her feelings, I don't want to be a bad person and ruin everything for her. At the same time, this selfish side of me questions everything I do. I have to answer and explain everything I do to myself. It's a constant fight and im really tired of it.

Maybe Im going through a lot of changes suddenly, you know, living with her, going through this pregnancy, and a baby to take care of. Maybe I will feel ok after things settle.

Thanks for your comments guys, It really feels good to let these out, I was going to explode


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## The Destroyer

I know exactly what you are going through but I didn't wake up until the 20 yr mark. I did squash my feelings and now I can't do it anymore. The one thing I will say is don't hide your feelings or lack of them. I know it is going to be very hard and maybe you can find a way to explain them in a way that won't hurt as bad. But I know you can't not say anything. 

I told my DH that I was having some upsetting thoughts and that I needed to see a counselor. I told him that my thoughts were mostly negative and I didn't think sharing them right now would be anything besides destructive to our relationship so I needed to work through this and would try to be as open as I could. I'm not saying this is the best thing or even the right thing for you, but it's what I did. I wish I had the strength to do it earlier.

I don't know if anything I said helps, I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone and that there is always someone out there who will understand. 


~The Destroyer


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## Pyro

I am starting to have second thoughts about my feelings. The fact is, at this stage at least, I don't know anyone else that could possibly make me happier.

I am at times really close to burst out and later on really glad that I don't. Pretty sure it is a problem from my side. I mean, she hasn't done anything wrong.

Maybe this is how all marriages go, maybe leaving her will be the worse decision I have ever made.

I have booked some counseling for next week. I hope it will help. I'm very confused and to be honest kinda scared that these are just temporary emotions and acting on them is not the best thing to do.

Or maybe in 20 years time I will look back to this day and wish I had gone ahead with it and faced the consequences.

It's complicated.


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