# Stay at home wife? How does TAM affect that?



## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

I have been considering quitting my job and my husband says he's fine with it if I do. He understands that if I quit I will not be seeking employment elsewhere. He even has indicated that he thinks if might be for the best.

Thing is...
I'm not a stay at home mom. My child is grown. I'm capable of work.
I simply have a highly stressful job that takes up more time than I'd like to do a good job.
Last summer I was out of work for a short period and I made dinner, did more housework and tried to spoil him. We both got a little healthier which we both could use.

I do the finances and know that we could make it without my salary. I am also in charge of retirement and fairly sure we are going to overshoot the 'needed' mark. I was working because I like my job and want to contribute.
However, I could really use to be more healthy at this moment in time and I find that doesn't happen with the current situation. I am also working because I'd love to get him out of the work force in about 5 years at 56 but I don't think he will leave no matter what until at least 60 and more likely 62 because that is what makes sense to him. He'll have 30 years in at 60 which will yield the maximum retirement. And of course at 62 you can start social security. So whether I quit or not he'll be there til 60.

To throw another kink in them mix. When I'm not working I have a small account I actively trade stock on. I can make almost my salary with this account. It is of course a retirement account so that money would not be available for 'normal' use. I do trade while working but not being active hurts my returns but I still am double the market or more.

8 years ago I don't think I would have thought about this much. I love him, he loves me and we'd just do whatever. Then I joined TAM.

Because I'm a Type A personality I try to make sure not to coerce him into anything. So being on TAM. I have to wonder. 

Why would he be ok with me staying home? So many here make it sound like such a burden to have a stay at home wife. 

Are there those that don't mind it? 

I've asked him what his expectations would be and he says he doesn't care just wants me to be happy. He also feels I'll be happier and healthier. 

What if we did split? I don't have the same retirement he does because when I had a high paying job that kept me from my family and made me miserable he said quit and I did. I've enjoyed my second career and it allowed me to have more time with my child and my husband.

Right now we split the household chores. Would it be worth it to you (men) if
You didn't have many chores left?
You got more sex?
You were able to have more gormet meals that helped you be healthier that you didn't have to make?
Your spouse was happier?

What else would be on the list?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

You're approaching this possible action from exactly the right and accurate angle. With you and H in synch at this stage in life you two and your M will do just fine. Kudos to you for such a great attitude and logical approach. 

No worries for you!


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> You're approaching this possible action from exactly the right and accurate angle. With you and H in synch at this stage in life you two and your M will do just fine. Kudos to you for such a great attitude and logical approach.
> 
> No worries for you!


Thanks Ragnar but is your wife a stay at home?

After being around here for so long it makes me think I shouldn't. 

There is of course some benefits to be had but I don't want him to feel a bunch of pressure or feel like I'm lazy or such.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

The only questions I have about this:
Are YOU going to be ok with NOT working -- do you have enough hobbies/interests to keep you fully active each day?
Also, you mention IF your H and you split -- do you think that is a real possibility? If YES, then maybe you should continue to work -- just NOT at your current job. Do something less stressful and time consuming.
I think as long as you continue to be an active member of your marriage, your H will be ok.
My wife has been a SAHM for 28 years (since we had my son). I have had no issues -- MY job was important to fund our life, HER job was WAY more important -- to help raise a moral, caring, and upstanding member of society.
I know a lot of guys don't think being a SAHM is a job -- but with kids, it is. YOU are past that, so you need to make sure that you can keep productive for yourself and for the marriage.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

There's something that I never hear anyone mention: When you are retired or at least not working for a while, time FLIES by. You forget which day of the week it is. Your time fills up with "stuff". Work serves to create a rudder in your life. If you quit, make sure there's some organization in your life.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

jlg07 said:


> The only questions I have about this:
> Are YOU going to be ok with NOT working -- do you have enough hobbies/interests to keep you fully active each day?
> Also, you mention IF your H and you split -- do you think that is a real possibility? If YES, then maybe you should continue to work -- just NOT at your current job. Do something less stressful and time consuming.
> I think as long as you continue to be an active member of your marriage, your H will be ok.
> ...


Well I feel we are solid. I don’t foresee us getting divorced. It’s been almost 28 years. But this will definitely change the dynamic which I’m also concerned about.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

My W was a SAHM when the kids were small, as they reached 6th and 7th grade she went back to work. Now after kids are M and grandkids etc, we are planning her retiring and again being a SAHM. But really a sah wife...

If you aren't confident in your M it may be an issue, or if approaching it with a selfish attitude you're in trouble.

I'm looking forward to it myself. We've been M 38yrs.

Hope that helps.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Sfort said:


> There's something that I never hear anyone mention: When you are retired or at least not working for a while, time FLIES by. You forget which day of the week it is. Your time fills up with "stuff". Work serves to create a rudder in your life. If you quit, make sure there's some organization in your life.


Well I agree. 
But organizing our life, being a decent domestic


Sfort said:


> There's something that I never hear anyone mention: When you are retired or at least not working for a while, time FLIES by. You forget which day of the week it is. Your time fills up with "stuff". Work serves to create a rudder in your life. If you quit, make sure there's some organization in your life.


I agree.

However, organizing our life, being a decent domestic partner and actively trading will keep me more than busy.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> My W was a SAHM when the kids were small, as they reached 6th and 7th grade she went back to work. Now after kids are M and grandkids etc, we are planning her retiring and again being a SAHM. But really a sah wife...
> 
> If you aren't confident in your M it may be an issue, or if approaching it with a selfish attitude you're in trouble.
> 
> ...


It does help. I feel our marriage is solid. 

But TAM always colors things for me now. I think what if I just don't know..... My husband doesn't line up with many thoughts here on TAM but as those posters always say. He just doesn't tell you he thinks like this.

Why are you looking forward to her being back home. I think he enjoyed my being domestic last year. I feel like I could make his life less stressful by taking some of the house load off but also by organizing things so that we woud both be healthier. I will admit though I'm worried that it won't seem like enough to balance out my salary.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

You aren't married to any of us, and your H is ok w/ what you want to do. If you're sure he is ok w/ it, you have the answer you need.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

@SpinyNorman sums it up nicely.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

SpinyNorman said:


> You aren't married to any of us, and your H is ok w/ what you want to do. If you're sure he is ok w/ it, you have the answer you need.


Absolutely but I always appreciate others opinions. Many people think they might like or not like something and then later change their mind. So I am just trying to see what men really think about the domestic wife. I know some here think that means that they are better and earn the money and then everything should go their way. Or that women should work.

But I don't think my husband is this way. So I was wondering about those who like Ragnor seem to enjoy it.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Also as a strong personality. I don't want to get into something he might not want to do. I think he'd tell me if he didn't want me to stay home. But I find it hard to imagine him not wondering why I wouldn't just work for 8 more years? I myself wonder sometimes. I could bank more but when you are fairly certain you will have enough money then money doesn't mean as much as health and happiness does it?


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## leftfield (Mar 29, 2016)

My wife was a SAHM when we had kids and she would still be a SAHM except that Obamacare changed the costs for medical insurance so much that we decided she needed a job, just so she could have insurance. Saved us over 10% of our annual budget. Funny thing is' she might be a SAHM again as soon as January thanks to the Biden administration.

I would have no problem with my wife being at home. Sounds like your husband doesn't mind you being at home. If that is what you want to do, then pursue it and find a way to be happy with your decision.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Anastasia6 said:


> Also as a strong personality. I don't want to get into something he might not want to do. I think he'd tell me if he didn't want me to stay home. But I find it hard to imagine him not wondering why I wouldn't just work for 8 more years? I myself wonder sometimes. I could bank more but when you are fairly certain you will have enough money then money doesn't mean as much as health and happiness does it?


Once you ask him, if he doesn't give you a truthful answer, it's on him. If either of you finds you don't like it after the fact, you can change it. Go for it.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Sfort said:


> Once you ask him, if he doesn't give you a truthful answer, it's on him. If either of you finds you don't like it after the fact, you can change it. Go for it.


Thank Sfort. I think that is actually so true. I mean he doesn't lie to me. I always try to make sure that I suss out what would make him happy in all major decisions because most of them fall to me. He'll give input but almost never wants the final word. So I usually mull things and look at different angles because all I really want in this world is a happy spouse. But in the end if he doesn't give his input other than he'd be fine with it and he really doesn't care if I work or not... Then I should take him at his word.

Well no I wouldn't change it. I'm getting old enough and fed up enough that once I quit I'm done. That much I know. I mean of course if it was a marriage breaker then I'd go back to work...


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Anastasia6 said:


> Absolutely but I always appreciate others opinions. Many people think they might like or not like something and then later change their mind. So I am just trying to see what men really think about the domestic wife. I know some here think that means that they are better and earn the money and then everything should go their way. Or that women should work.
> 
> But I don't think my husband is this way. So I was wondering about those who like Ragnor seem to enjoy it.


My husband has no issues at all with SAH wives. His first wife didn't go out to work till their boys were in their mid- late teens.
I was working part time when we met but had to leave that job when we moved.

I know what you mean. Many men here and some women seem that think that staying at home, even if there are small children, is being lazy and irresponsible. Which it isn't of course. It's a hard and challenging 24/7 job.

No one matters except the two of you, ignore what naysayers on TAM think, I do.

I guess the alternative is to work part time.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Anastasia6 said:


> I have been considering quitting my job and my husband says he's fine with it if I do. He understands that if I quit I will not be seeking employment elsewhere. He even has indicated that he thinks if might be for the best.
> 
> Thing is...
> I'm not a stay at home mom. My child is grown. I'm capable of work.
> ...


I think your reason for wanting to do this is coming from the right place. If you make all those things at the bottom of your post come true, your income isn't needed to maintain your lifestyle and your husband is on board I say do it. It sounds like you both benefit from the change. 

My wife and I have been together for 34 years. For the first 8 years or so she always worked full time if possible. We moved a lot thanks to the military, so that wasn't always possible. Once we settled down and started having kids we both agreed that I would do whatever I needed to allow her to be a SAHM. She did that from the time our first child was born until they were in middle school. I loved having her at home with the kids. It also gave her some more time to take care of me . I never pushed her to go back to work. She has been back to working full time for many years now. Thankfully she absolutely loves her job, but we don't need her income. If she were stressed at work and decided she wanted to quit and focus on taking care of us, I would tell her to go for it. Given our financial situation I see the main purpose of her job as something to give her a sense of accomplishment, keep her happy and an intellectual outlet. If she got that from something other than a paying job I would still be fine with it.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> My husband has no issues at all with SAH wives. His first wife didn't go out to work till their boys were in their mid- late teens.
> I was working part time when we met but had to leave that job when we moved.
> 
> I know what you mean. Many men here and some women seem that think that staying at home, even if there are small children, is being lazy and irresponsible. Which it isn't of course. It's a hard and challenging 24/7 job.
> ...


Yes. Problem is I do have hobbies and also trade. So what if I'm ok somewhat good at being a stay at home?
I did a year when my child was little to spend more time with her and my husband didn't like the job I had. But I was terrible at it so I went back to work on my own.

I spent a little time last year doing it because of the pandemic. I feel like I"m much better at it now and have a better more giving attitude. I want to spoil him but my house will never be spotless.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Both members of a good M are much more than monetary value in the big picture of life. Money is an essential tool but it's not life's objective. You more than he may be equating your value to the M as a money source.

If the info re your H is accurate and he's honestly on board he sees you in a more rounded way perhaps.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

the stock market has been going basically straight up the past year or so. A monkey throwing darts at a stock list on the wall would make money.

Can you make money in a DOWN market? A good stock trader can make money in both types of market, bull AND bear. 

indicators recently suggest a shift to bear market.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Talker67 said:


> the stock market has been going basically straight up the past year or so. A monkey throwing darts at a stock list on the wall would make money.
> 
> Can you make money in a DOWN market? A good stock trader can make money in both types of market, bull AND bear.
> 
> indicators recently suggest a shift to bear market.


This is true. But a monkey doesn't double the markets returns.

I am worried about a down market coming and my ability to keep the returns coming with this prospect. Which is why only a small portion of our retirement is in my play money plan.

During active months I had returns of 70% annualized but over the whole last year including most months where I had to work and trade as a side gig I still managed about 55% returns the market hasn't done this.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> My husband has no issues at all with SAH wives. His first wife didn't go out to work till their boys were in their mid- late teens.
> I was working part time when we met but had to leave that job when we moved.
> 
> I know what you mean. Many men here and some women seem that think that staying at home, even if there are small children, is being lazy and irresponsible. Which it isn't of course. It's a hard and challenging 24/7 job.
> ...


I suppose there could be some SAHMs (or SAHDs) that are lazy, but I think managing a household and kids is more than a full time job. I know in my case my wife staying at home gave me the freedom to excel and climb the rank in my career. I have no doubt that I wouldn't be where I am without the sacrifices she made. And yes, I consider being a SAHM a type of personal sacrifice.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Talker67 said:


> the stock market has been going basically straight up the past year or so. A monkey throwing darts at a stock list on the wall would make money.
> 
> Can you make money in a DOWN market? A good stock trader can make money in both types of market, bull AND bear.
> 
> indicators recently suggest a shift to bear market.


FYI just for a taste. I bought into clm for 2300 share at 12.85 today and I'll sell that tomorrow or soon for 13.04 which is only a 0.19 return * 2300 = which is only $437 but it will be a 1 day turn around. I'd could have sold today for 13.02 but I can't roundtrip in the same day without incurring wrath at the brokerage. So maybe 13.02 tomorrow. either way 1 day 1.5% multiply that by 200 trading days...... you can see how that adds up. But you have to be available to catch the swings.

I'm also long in Fedex. It is oversold and I got it at $224. I'll sell at $200 or $241 ish whichever comes first.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

BigDaddyNY said:


> I suppose there could be some SAHMs (or SAHDs) that are lazy, but I think managing a household and kids is more than a full time job. I know in my case my wife staying at home gave me the freedom to excel and climb the rank in my career. I have no doubt that I wouldn't be where I am without the sacrifices she made. And yes, I consider being a SAHM a type of personal sacrifice.


So what are some of your expectations of SAHW or things that make it worth while?


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

Anastasia6 said:


> Absolutely but I always appreciate others opinions. Many people think they might like or not like something and then later change their mind. So I am just trying to see what men really think about the domestic wife. I know some here think that means that *they are better and earn the money and then everything should go their way.* Or that women should work.


What a dangerous attitude, their W could get rich and then they'd be her *****. As long as we're both trying the other appreciates it and doesn't get snotty if they happen to have more aptitude for the task at hand.

If your stock trading made you richer than your H, would you tell him he can't retire, or look down on him? I don't think so.


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## EI (Jun 12, 2012)

Anastasia6 said:


> Also as a strong personality. I don't want to get into something he might not want to do. I think he'd tell me if he didn't want me to stay home. But I find it hard to imagine him not wondering why I wouldn't just work for 8 more years? I myself wonder sometimes. I could bank more but *when you are fairly certain you will have enough money then money doesn't mean as much as health and happiness does it?*


I think your answer is right there in the bolded part. If you are fairly certain you will have enough money, then why choose more money over your health and happiness?

Not having enough money is a very difficult way to live. However, once you truly have enough money, I have found that having even more money, does not make you more happy. But, improving your health, and enjoying more happiness, will add quality to both of your lives.

If this is what you want, and your husband has assured you that he’s okay with this, then no one else’s opinion should really matter. No one else, not even the fine folks of TAM, have to live your life. First, you should do the right things, the good, honorable, and moral things (which you have obviously been doing.) Beyond that, do what makes you happy!


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Anastasia6 said:


> I am worried about a down market coming and my ability to keep the returns coming with this prospect.


I heard today that it's just around the corner. The Biden administration has "severely underestimated" the inflation problem. (They've actually hidden it or are too stupid to admit it since anyone who goes to a store can see it.) Then again, it's always "just around the corner." If a blind pig roots long enough, it will turn up with an acorn.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Sfort said:


> I heard today that it's just around the corner. The Biden administration has "severely underestimated" the inflation problem. (They've actually hidden it or are too stupid to admit it since anyone who goes to a store can see it.) Then again, it's always "just around the corner." If a blind pig roots long enough, it will turn up with an acorn.


I do agree it is coming that inflation will take a hit. Some companies though actually do well with inflation. The key is always know your market, the companies you invest in. I also do short term trading so it lends to not being to stuck in one stock when a down day hits. Even stocks going down go up some too.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

SpinyNorman said:


> What a dangerous attitude, their W could get rich and then they'd be her ***. As long as we're both trying the other appreciates it and doesn't get snotty if they happen to have more aptitude for the task at hand.
> 
> If your stock trading made you richer than your H, would you tell him he can't retire, or look down on him? I don't think so.


Actually I'm trying to get him to retire early so we can spend more time together. Won't know for about 5 more years if that's an option but it would be more an option if I kept working. He however will probably stay til 30 years is up either way. It makes him feel secure. How much money do you need to feel secure ? That's a hard question to answer.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

EI said:


> I think your answer is right there in the bolded part. If you are fairly certain you will have enough money, then why choose more money over your health and happiness?
> 
> Not having enough money is a very difficult way to live. However, once you truly have enough money, I have found that having even more money, does not make you more happy. But, improving your health, and enjoying more happiness, will add quality to both of your lives.
> 
> If this is what you want, and your husband has assured you that he’s okay with this, then no one else’s opinion should really matter. No one else, not even the fine folks of TAM, have to live your life. First, you should do the right things, the good, honorable, and moral things (which you have obviously been doing.) Beyond that, do what makes you happy!


El,

This is so true. But I am having a hard time thinking about it. I do think I'd enjoy it but I've worked since 15 except the time 1 year I took off when my daughter was young. I'm worried what kind of shift it might bring but we have weathered much more in life than being happier and healthier. 

Thanks


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

I am a woman who hates her job. DH & I talked about me quitting & retiring early. We figured out how much we would need for me to do that. The plan was we wanted to have $X available to us each year of retirement, assuming we would both reach a specified age (for us that is 100), not counting SS or his pension. The bulk of that was coming from what I invested over the years because I knew I would never have a pension or 401(k). DH knows how unhappy I am. So we agreed that as soon as the house & certain other expenses are paid off I can quit & draw down on the retirement money. We recently refinanced our house & lowered our interest rate by more than 1/2. With the equity we withdrew we paid off all the other debts. The overall monthly mortgage is slightly more than we paid before but the consolidation but we got a new car, did a lot of home repairs & the overall nut is much less than what we were paying so I expect to have it paid off in 1-2 years. Then bye-bye miserable job I hate. 

I expect that in time I will be bored staying home so I will find a non-stressful job for fun & that will be my "pin money" 

We talked about this a lot & ran all the numbers. What works for us may not be for everybody but like most things communication is key. Fortunately DH loves his job & once he hits 25 years of service I will be eligible to receive retiree health insurance from his employer.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

I wouldn't have anything against it. But I get the feeling you might get bored very quickly without your job. What about going part time? Would that be a possibility?


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

D0nnivain said:


> I am a woman who hates her job. DH & I talked about me quitting & retiring early. We figured out how much we would need for me to do that. The plan was we wanted to have $X available to us each year of retirement, assuming we would both reach a specified age (for us that is 100), not counting SS or his pension. The bulk of that was coming from what I invested over the years because I knew I would never have a pension or 401(k). DH knows how unhappy I am. So we agreed that as soon as the house & certain other expenses are paid off I can quit & draw down on the retirement money. We recently refinanced our house & lowered our interest rate by more than 1/2. With the equity we withdrew we paid off all the other debts. The overall monthly mortgage is slightly more than we paid before but the consolidation but we got a new car, did a lot of home repairs & the overall nut is much less than what we were paying so I expect to have it paid off in 1-2 years. Then bye-bye miserable job I hate.
> 
> I expect that in time I will be bored staying home so I will find a non-stressful job for fun & that will be my "pin money"
> 
> We talked about this a lot & ran all the numbers. What works for us may not be for everybody but like most things communication is key. Fortunately DH loves his job & once he hits 25 years of service I will be eligible to receive retiree health insurance from his employer.


Yes I've run lots of numbers. We have a second property, that I would sell, which should pay the house we have off completely. Even if we didn't sell his salary covers our bills. If i pay the house off (our only ongoing bill) then we would actually have more available money than we have right now with me working.

I'm in charge of retirement and finances and bills so he really has no idea how much money we need each month or for retirement.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

In Absentia said:


> I wouldn't have anything against it. But I get the feeling you might get bored very quickly without your job. What about going part time? Would that be a possibility?


I do not think I'd be bored. I have plenty of hobbies. I am also very intellectual and find new hobbies anytime I come close to getting bored. 

Part time isnt an option. I work so many hours now that part time would just mean accepting 1/2 the pay for a full time job.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Anastasia6 said:


> So what are some of your expectations of SAHW or things that make it worth while?


I never had that if I stayed late at work or had to go on the road


Anastasia6 said:


> So what are some of your expectations of SAHW or things that make it worth while?


The biggest thing was not having to worry about what was going on at home. I knew there was someone I could trust to manage the household and take care of the kids. This allowed me to focus on my career and provide a comfortable life for my family. She knew when I worked OT or traveled she was going to work OT too. I really was her job. 

I never really gave expectations much thought. Probably because my wife always went above and beyond any subconscious expectations I had of her, so they never really came to mind. I suppose I would expect the house to be clean, laundry done, kids fed and a wife happy to see me at the end of the day. What I didn't expect is for her to become my maid. I was still responsible for picking up after myself and helping her when she asked.


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## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

Anastasia6 said:


> I have been considering quitting my job and my husband says he's fine with it if I do. He understands that if I quit I will not be seeking employment elsewhere. He even has indicated that he thinks if might be for the best.
> 
> Thing is...
> I'm not a stay at home mom. My child is grown. I'm capable of work.
> ...


When he says he wants you to be happier and healthier. Take him at his word. If he is like [generic man] in this regard he'll happily support the household while you support him. Men are hard wired for it. There's only an issue if you think you will want to split. 

But from your position, if you did split, you would split everything including retirement funds equally if that is your worry.

Are you going to be ok with a mostly unstructured schedule? After working the types of jobs you've had? That is a big question you need to ask yourself.

And will you be able to know he's providing all the money and still be ok with that?


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

DownButNotOut said:


> When he says he wants you to be happier and healthier. Take him at his word. If he is like [generic man] in this regard he'll happily support the household while you support him. Men are hard wired for it. There's only an issue if you think you will want to split.
> 
> But from your position, if you did split, you would split everything including retirement funds equally if that is your worry.
> 
> ...


Thanks for your reply.

I don't think we will split. We are the happiest couple I know. But hey that's where TAM comes in. How many times have we seen the ......... to people who thought they were happily married. LOL this site does make me think sometimes.

While realistically I know we would split everything 50/50 it just seems weird. I mean I purposefully built his bigger because he had a bigger match from his employer so we maxed that out first. We have always been a team with combined finances but if we split there would be the 'she's taking 1/2 of my retirement. More importantly because we are a team that doesn't plan on splitting part of the retirement planning was his retirement pay. I have a retirement 401k account but not a salary. He is ensured a salary in retirement we are both eligble for social security. But really I don't think we are going to split.

I think like you said he's hard wired for it. He really is a hard working provider who loves me.

Will I be ok. Not sure. I'm used to being productive. There are ways to be productive that don't involve a job. So yes I think I will be ok. I actually dream of it sometimes now. Of course I also sometimes have nightmares.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

My wife is younger than you, she works way too much. I wish she’d quit and relax. She’ll get bored and go back to work eventually but right now this isn’t good for her and we don’t need the money.

I have told her this but she won’t convert on it.

My mother stopped working around the age my wife is at now and never got bored.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I am 57 and my wife just turned 54 so we are similar in age to you but we still have a 17 year old at home and a 19 year old college student in the house. 

The way I see this is you and your H are grown azz adults and the kids are out of the house so you can do whatever you want and who cares what the rest of us on TAM think. 

Go get a VW van and live on the road if that's what you want to do. 

But on a serious note, you sound very mindful and responsible and have financial savy. You'll be fine no matter what you do. 

And if down the road you decide you want to go back to work in some capacity or do something else, you can do that. 

As a full grown adult, what I will warn you NOT to do is - don't get addicted to drugs or alcohol. Don't become a compulsive gambler. Don't become a criminal. And don't become a compulsive shopper to fill some void in your life. 

As long as you can get daily access to nutritious food, clean water and maintain your body temperature, you will be ok. How you do those things is your choice as an adult. 

As far as the status of your marriage, again you are grown azz adults. You both have mouths and tongues and can speak, so you can discuss what you each want to do and how to accomplish your goals and objectives. You each have financial assets and are able to take care of yourselves. So again it becomes an adult choice if you want to remain together or not. Nothing you have said indicates that you have any serious marital problems but you are free adults with no minor mouths to feed so if something happens to where you no longer want to remain together,,,, no puppies will be harmed. 
I have kind of come to the conclusion that as long as you can maintain your health and vitality, the 50s are a great time in life. You have the financial resources to do what you want (or at least what you need) the kids are either grown or old enough to feed, cloth, toilet and get themselves to where they need to be. And for the most part you don't really care what anyone else thinks. 

So my advice is do what you think is best for you and what you want to do and don't worry about what the rest of us think about it. You are hurting anyone or maliciously out to get anyone and you aren't proposing anything that is patently irresponsible or negligent. 

You sound very rational and reasoned so have faith in your own head on your shoulders and enjoy your free time!!!


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

ccpowerslave said:


> My wife is younger than you, she works way too much. I wish she’d quit and relax. She’ll get bored and go back to work eventually but right now this isn’t good for her and we don’t need the money.
> 
> I have told her this but she won’t convert on it.
> 
> My mother stopped working around the age my wife is at now and never got bored.


What do you see as the benefit of her not working?


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

oldshirt said:


> I am 57 and my wife just turned 54 so we are similar in age to you but we still have a 17 year old at home and a 19 year old college student in the house.
> 
> The way I see this is you and your H are grown azz adults and the kids are out of the house so you can do whatever you want and who cares what the rest of us on TAM think.
> 
> ...


That is all true but I like a sounding board. I don't have any male friends to I like to use TAM to get some ideas. While my husband isn't exactly like anyone here... He is a male. 

We do talk and have lovely conversations daily I don't know that we always communicate as well as I would like. You could have knocked me over with a feather like 7 years ago or so when I asked him what his ideal frequency would be and he said daily. He never initiated daily, never gave me any indication daily would be good for him. I laugh a little now because I don't know that daily is his ideal frequency because he could have sex daily but doesn't.  

I find a collective wisdom here. I don't always agree with it but I like to gather it and see what applies to me and mine.

I've found some clarity with the replies and think I might set a date like May and quit then.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Anastasia6 said:


> What do you see as the benefit of her not working?


She can sleep, and maybe come to bed at a reasonable hour.

Reduce her overall stress and maybe get to the gym more often or do activities she wants to do outside.

Pursue projects she has wanted to do but can’t because she is working including working on the house but also taking care of property we need to move around and stuff like that.

The main thing for me though is she needs like 2-3 months to literally do nothing. Like if she wants to do something cool, but I want her to wake up and have nothing planned to do and no chores other than laundry which she refuses to let me do. She needs to completely decompress. If she wants to travel and visit family or whatever she can do that, basically she needs time where she has no responsibility at all.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

I agree with the sentiment running through this thread that you both know what is right and workable for you. My only interpretation is that you seem quite adamant that once you quit, that's it done and dusted. Yet you are also coming from a mindset of feeling burnt-out, is that right? Why not just see how it goes, as your perception could change once you've exited. You're discussing plans with your husband, and there seems to be an inkling of what if it doesn't pan out as you might imagine ...I mean as to how you feel, not as a threat to your marriage. You may feel differently after stopping work for 6 months and then may decide you want to keep a toe in the water in relation to sense of self/identity (if not financially, and no doubt income does not need to come from employment). Unfortunately, generally speaking, age can be a challenge to overcome when seeking employment. Just something else to consider upon or following exiting the paid workforce; perhaps when the time is right, it could be to take on a different, less-demanding, and/or non-full time role. However, if it is working out splendidly for you both, there may be other avenues you discover that fulfill a social role such as within community, volunteering, and such. I have no experience with this. Just offering up some thoughts.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

You've mentioned men here often object to SAHW. I don't know which ones, but I think a situation that comes up sometimes is, one spouse wants the other to work so they can loaf. If the working spouse is working b/c the money is needed, not b/c he wants to work, the SAH spouse isn't being responsible and I could understand resentment in such a situation.

Of course I am speaking for someone else and guessing, but it doesn't sound like your situation.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

We know a few men who left wives who didn’t work, but it’s funny… theses were the same men who didn’t like their wives mixing with other men and didn’t want their kids in childcare (why pay strangers that’s the wife’s job). These men were adamantly opposed to paying anyone to look after kids and didn’t want relatives minding them either. Many of these women weren’t allowed to spend much either and couldn’t buy clothes or makeup without a stink from the husbands. 

It’s a cultural thing with us, and unfairly, they waited til the wives were older to do this. Suddenly decided overnight that things were unfair and how come they had to earn all the money. Wives were suddenly unattractive too (hard to look decent when your husband won’t let you do your hair or buy you clothes here and there.

Most found younger wives, and Lo and behold, had a new set of kids and seemed even more terrified that the younger wives would get some independence and leave. 

Some of these women were highly educated too, and most of them struggled to find even part time work at their age. I worry just as much for the 2nd wives. 

Your husband sounds happy for you to do what makes you happy, and if he thinks things will be better for you to manage the load at home, then I think listen to him. Try it, and if you don’t like it a year later, you can always renter the workforce.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

As for your opening question intended for the husbands... 'what else would be on your list?' ....WELL  ... my husband and I were generally talking about this 'movement' of sorts of the Tradwife and led to me asking how he felt about that kind of relationship dynamic. Granted, while somewhat knowing/predicting his response. And keep in mind, this would not be something that I would want. It was just a topic. He started reeling off all these things that Tradwives supposedly do that are just not my bag. Plus, if raising a family, that makes a big difference to his outlook. We don't have kids so then it turned into a MASSIVE list of all the stuff he'd expect of me in terms of taking care of our property/home/lifestyle and aspects of community. And we both know a fair bit is not in-sync with the realities of my personality.

In general terms which extends beyond us, he values that people contribute; the meaning is not limited to paid employment. Each to their own. Work it out, as you are, between you. Perhaps keep flexibility in mind as you navigate together, whether and what things are working (or not) for you both.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

I actually want my wife to do nothing for a while. Or maybe more accurately have nothing to do.

She is wound really tight and wants to be the best all the time. I get it, I am also like that. Several times since we have been married I took 5 weeks off or so and did nothing except work out, drink alcohol, and play video games. I was totally burned out and needed to reboot my brain doing nothing.

Sure I made dinner for her and stuff, but that was the only thing I “had to” do, and if I didn’t feel like it we just went out.

It really helped me with burn out and I want that experience for her. She doesn’t drink and she doesn’t really play video games like that but she would do something. Not sure what she would do and neither is she because she has never had 2 months off.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

ccpowerslave said:


> I actually want my wife to do nothing for a while. Or maybe more accurately have nothing to do.
> 
> She is wound really tight and wants to be the best all the time. I get it, I am also like that. Several times since we have been married I took 5 weeks off or so and did nothing except work out, drink alcohol, and play video games. I was totally burned out and needed to reboot my brain doing nothing.
> 
> ...


Oh I'd step up and make dinner and keep house and stuff but I'll never be a martha stewart. I have hobbies and stuff that keep me busy.

I feel like taking the burden of mundane things off would be a relief. We currently split things. He admits when I was off that he began to feel guilty because he didn't have to do much.

I think removing all of that would make it easier for him to work for the 8 years.

I actually think he could retire earlier but not sure. I've set 1.8 million as the needed nest egg but truthfully I feel like we could get away with alot less. I've also tried to talk him into doing a few years in an expat situation to enjoy traveling and make a few years cheaper. I don't forsee us keeping this house through retirement so that could be fun 6 months here then 6 months there.

He's not really into that idea though.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

ccpowerslave said:


> She can sleep, and maybe come to bed at a reasonable hour.
> 
> Reduce her overall stress and maybe get to the gym more often or do activities she wants to do outside.
> 
> ...


I fully get where you are coming from and part of me thinks the day way you do that if I could take some of the stress off my wife that she could decompress and let her hair down and be happier and healthier and more at ease in general with the world. 

It sounds great on paper but the older and wiser that I get, the more I come to realize that stress anxiety and worry are simply part of the female and mother experience. Chicks simply worry about sht. 

Chicks worry about stuff and are filled with stress and anxiety and if you manage to get rid of one stressor (such as their job) it will just be replaced with something else the next day such as how are you going to deal with the reduced income and in quick order she will be worried about if the decorative pillows on the coach match the recliner and on and on. 

And it’s not just about the money. Billionaire’s wives worry just as much about money and bills and expenses as the next wife. 

Stress and anxiety get issued along with a set of ovaries just like Ginsu Knives. 

I’m all about people pursuing their dreams and doing what they think will be best for them. If someone wants to retire or be a SAHM or whatever, fine. 

But don’t think that quitting a job or being some kind of SAHM/SAHW will make anyone relaxed and calm and at peace with the world. Instead of worrying about her job, she’ll just be worried about not having a job.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

oldshirt said:


> Instead of worrying about her job, she’ll just be worried about not having a job.


My mom complained about it off and on until my dad finally retired.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I'm a stay at home wife. Have been since 2012. The only opinion I care about is my husbands. 

Opinions are like aholes - everyone has one. You do you.


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

My wife was SAHM for 15 years. When kids were not little anymore (youngest turned 9 and was able to stay at home himself) my wife returned to work. It was one of the best decisions we made. She is rather happy working, she would be very bored and rather miserable stay at home. What would she do the whole day?

However he bein happy is my main goal. If she were happy at home I would never push her to work.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Anastasia6 said:


> I do not think I'd be bored. I have plenty of hobbies. I am also very intellectual and find new hobbies anytime I come close to getting bored.
> 
> Part time isnt an option. I work so many hours now that part time would just mean accepting 1/2 the pay for a full time job.


Then, go for it!


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Anastasia6 said:


> FYI just for a taste. I bought into clm for 2300 share at 12.85 today and I'll sell that tomorrow or soon for 13.04 which is only a 0.19 return * 2300 = which is only $437 but it will be a 1 day turn around. I'd could have sold today for 13.02 but I can't roundtrip in the same day without incurring wrath at the brokerage. So maybe 13.02 tomorrow. either way 1 day 1.5% multiply that by 200 trading days...... you can see how that adds up. But you have to be available to catch the swings.
> 
> I'm also long in Fedex. It is oversold and I got it at $224. I'll sell at $200 or $241 ish whichever comes first.


good, sounds like you know what you are doing.

Sometimes people have this fantasy of getting rich quick, then comes the margin call....


we both retired around the same time, and it was a little tough going from FULL SPEED career to retired laid back couple. And Covid stopping us from our road trip travel plans did not help at all. I suggest a project, to help you transition. we ended up buying and older house, renovating it, then flipping it. Kept us busy, and interested as it was a little outside of the box for what we normally did. but other things are possible...write a book, hike the appalachian trail, and so on...


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

DISCLAIMER: It's disgustingly early and I am on 1st coffee, so I read exactly zero other replies. Sorry if I retread or something.



Anastasia6 said:


> Why would he be ok with me staying home? So many here make it sound like such a burden to have a stay at home wife.
> 
> Are there those that don't mind it?


My husband not only doesn't mind, he prefers it. DH is spoiled af.

I was SAHM. I took care of the kids, the house, the yard, the finances, the bills, the fixin stuff...all of it. I thought it was fair that if he did 100% of the for-pay work I should do 100% of the not-for-pay work. I also do the "extra's". DH literally gets breakfast in bed 5 days a week. I wake up at 4 am. I cook us breakfast, get his lunch made and packed, fill his water cooler and make sure he's got spare stuff in his work bag. I lay out his clothes while he showers. I braid his hair. (His hair is beautiful, but he can't corral it himself and neither of us want to cut it) After I see him off, I do the housework, shopping, errands, research for purchases or things he/we are curious about while he's driving, etc. I chat with him throughout the day while we both do our work. I cook and serve him his dinner, get whatever drink or snacks he wants and generally make his life as easy and comfortable as possible. Like I said, spoiled af.

I enjoy spoiling him. Taking care of the house and everything else gives me a sense of accomplishment. I've learned so much over the years on so many subjects and I've applied what I've learned! Taking care of him, seeing him happy and comfortable, makes me all warm and fuzzy.

I recently made noises about getting a job now that we're empty nesters. I thought maybe I should financially contribute or something. He was not enthused, lol.




Anastasia6 said:


> What if we did split? I don't have the same retirement he does


You'd have a portion of all assets, work experience you can fall back on, and the ability to make profit trading stocks. If the worse did happen I think you'd be just fine.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Talker67 said:


> good, sounds like you know what you are doing.
> 
> Sometimes people have this fantasy of getting rich quick, then comes the margin call....
> 
> ...


Yea. I have a math background. 
But I don't trade on margin that's gambling with money you don't have. 
I have a small portion of money in a Roth. Even if my portion went away we would be fine. 

The market is jumping pre-opening here due to the debt ceiling stuff so I"ve revised my sell order up to 13.11 but will watch and sell today either at 13.04 the original target or near the peak if the market stays happy today. 
Even Fedex is looking happy today.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

MJJEAN said:


> DISCLAIMER: It's disgustingly early and I am on 1st coffee, so I read exactly zero other replies. Sorry if I retread or something.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


And you are why I think maybe I shouldn't.

I would spoil him compared to now. But I'm too lazy to do as much as you. I have hobbies that already take up a bunch of time like the trading, I raise seahorses, and I garden. I love a good book. So I'd take a lot of the household chores for sure but I don't think I'd get to where you are.

I think it's nice to do everything you do and your husband deserves it but I don't think that would be for me. When I took off back when my daughter was little I didn't enjoy doing repeatitive household chores. Last year I enjoyed it somewhat more from just giving to him. So I think my mind is in a better spot there.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Anastasia6 said:


> And you are why I think maybe I shouldn't.
> 
> I would spoil him compared to now. But I'm too lazy to do as much as you. I have hobbies that already take up a bunch of time like the trading, I raise seahorses, and I garden. I love a good book. So I'd take a lot of the household chores for sure but I don't think I'd get to where you are.
> 
> I think it's nice to do everything you do and your husband deserves it but I don't think that would be for me. When I took off back when my daughter was little I didn't enjoy doing repeatitive household chores. Last year I enjoyed it somewhat more from just giving to him. So I think my mind is in a better spot there.


Would you want to retire, and hire a maid?

That is an option.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Any change in who is home the longest often turns into a resentment or an irritation. If you're going to do it, be sure you are gone doing active interests part of the time if he is anyone who needs space. A stay at home person can very easily be a boring person if they don't have plenty of things they are interested in. 

You might consider both of you working for a time when you can both only work a part-time job. Now, of course, those don't pay anything, but sometimes you can work doing something fun because of that. I've nearly always had one and I like the feeling that the job is disposable. If someone says a cross word to me, I would have no qualms about walking right out the door, unlike a big job that was my main source of income. 

You might consider what you both like to do and whether you're going to travel, etc., and see if there's any small business you might start from home, such as pet sitting or real estate. Since it sounds like you have money, maybe you consider living near the water and running a towing business or buying out a lakeside gas station, hire someone to mostly run it, and semi-retire that way. Sounds like you make a lot of money in stocks, so kudos. Of course, buying real estate is also a good investment, although having renters might be more of a pain than you'd like. The richest person I knew went into commercial real estate when she sold her big company. Or maybe you just buy some farmland and lease it out for grazing. 

It's not hard to think of ways to make money when you already have it. Just something to consider to keep you both working a little but not a lot.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Would you want to retire, and hire a maid?
> 
> That is an option.


Well yes to me this is more of early retirement.

And hiring a maid isn't really an option.
I'm home. I'll do more of the household chores but I don't think either of us likes the idea of a stranger coming in the house.

We just aren't the type to have that spotless house. I'm not the type to fuss over pillows or the spotless floor.

I would take over many of 'his' chores and try to make his life easier but it would be retirement for me plus the trading. The trading can easily take 4-6 hours a day to do the research and be available to catch the waves. I also have a few hobbies like raising seahorses that are labor intensive. So it isn't like I'd have 8 hours a day to 'clean' the house.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Any change in who is home the longest often turns into a resentment or an irritation. If you're going to do it, be sure you are gone doing active interests part of the time if he is anyone who needs space. A stay at home person can very easily be a boring person if they don't have plenty of things they are interested in.
> 
> You might consider both of you working for a time when you can both only work a part-time job. Now, of course, those don't pay anything, but sometimes you can work doing something fun because of that. I've nearly always had one and I like the feeling that the job is disposable. If someone says a cross word to me, I would have no qualms about walking right out the door, unlike a big job that was my main source of income.
> 
> ...


Well yes we have some money that has been saved over our marriage. I don't want another job. If I quit it would be to retire. I have many hobbies and things to do without making work that would make less money but still be work.

I worry about possible resentment. I don't think he'd have any. I would prefer we both be home but that probably won't be possible for at least 4 more years at the earliest and more realistic 8 years. Part of our plan is his retirement pay which maxes out in 8 years. That doesn't really change if I work or not.

The stocks make more money when I can actively trade them but that can take 4-6 hours a day. So it's like a job.

I find when I'm home and have time to meal plan, prepare and pack his lunch then we both live healthier lifestyles. We do ok when I work but often times we will end up snacking while making dinner or preparing something because it's easier. We both could stand to lose some weight and exercise more. When I'm home that seems to happen because other things are taken care of during the day and I have more time to have dinner ready when he gets home.

So the benefit is healthier us. If I continued working we would have more in retirement but not sure how much more as I also save money when not working and make some on stocks. He MIGHT be able to quit a year or 2 earlier if I stayed working but I'm fairly sure he wouldn't. I've talked with him and mostly he sees himself working til he hits that max which would make him 59.5 years old the magic number for 401k's as well. On some rare occasions when he is frustrated at work he'll show interest in earlier. But I think whoever said it is hard wired in has him. He is hard wired to work until retirement which in his mind was 65 and I've talked him down to 60 maybe. I've been trying to talk him down to 58 or lower if possible.

Part of me wants him with me though so I think if I keep working then... maybe I can get him out at 57. The big factor is his retirement pay plus the investments. We are close enough to retirement now that the investment increases come more from the principal than from additions.

So the other part of me thinks it would be better to quit and focus on both of our health status so that when he does retire we are in the best shape we can be.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Anastasia6 said:


> Well yes we have some money that has been saved over our marriage. I don't want another job. If I quit it would be to retire. I have many hobbies and things to do without making work that would make less money but still be work.
> 
> I worry about possible resentment. I don't think he'd have any. I would prefer we both be home but that probably won't be possible for at least 4 more years at the earliest and more realistic 8 years. Part of our plan is his retirement pay which maxes out in 8 years. That doesn't really change if I work or not.
> 
> ...


I mean, I figure he'd enjoy the extra perks of having you home unless a financial situation was looming. But then I guess if that happened, you could consider going back into the workforce. As you said, you are making money on stocks, so you will be bringing in some income -- but of course, the bottom could fall out. Still, that is some work. I haven't tried it since the 90s and if you are going to make any quick money, you do have to watch everything closely. I haven't tried it in years because I feel I'm not in touch enough with trends anymore. I will say I only invested a little myself in the 90s and made a very good turnaround on it, but then I invested with a broker and got caught in the big stock fall -- but I still came out even, so I'll say that much for them.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

I'm kind of getting the impression you don't really want to be a sahw. That you believe it will create obstacles to you doing the activities you want to do.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> I'm kind of getting the impression you don't really want to be a sahw. That you believe it will create obstacles to you doing the activities you want to do.


I kind of want to be a SAHW. I am very nervous about upsetting any balance we currently have. And since I"m incharge of the finances, what if I'm wrong?

I also worry that resentment might build if I'm not good at it. I've asked for expectations but he just says he wants me to be happy. It was his idea to begin with kind of. I was working late and frustrated and said something about quitting and he said so do it. Stay home I don't care. We have talked since then he still holds his position. I just know that I'm not Martha Stewart, I have lots of hobbies that keep me busy and I'll never excel at house work. Will I do more than now. Sure but will it feel like enough for him? Why do some men seem ok with stay at home wife? Do the husbands who are happy with that all have Martha Stewarts?

In my heart I think I know that as long as I'm happy he'll be happy, but we have everything so good now. I don't know that I want to change it. Also I do like my job. I am frustrated with the extra work and other things. I have become disenfranchised from the selflessness I usually have with my job. I am getting to the point where I am just over working. Retirement.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

I guess part of it is me. 

Why should I be so priviledged to not work?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Anastasia6 said:


> I guess part of it is me.
> 
> Why should I be so priviledged to not work?


You've got to mentally cross that bridge of staying locked in to the concept of you are what you do. Many mistakenly don't.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@Anastasia6 ,

@Emerging Buddhist and I are also both at that stage of life where a) we are kind of tired of working but it's hard-wired in us, and b) flirting with the idea of retiring is EXTRA tempting! I mean, what bliss it would be to have full days, weeks, and months together! 

For us, here's real life: we've hit that 59.5yo magic age. His pension hits the 30-year mark in 99 weeks (we're counting down! LOL) and hits the peak I think a couple years after that. We have plenty of investments and both make a good salary--his is 70% / mine is 30% of household income. That being said, he works full-time out of the house and with the same industry for all 30+ years. I work 4 days/week remotely from home and have for the past 12 years or so. He is SUPER handy with the domestic chores, but since I'm home, I do a lot of the day-to-day like laundry, dishes, or sweeping. He feels most comfortable in a tidy home, and we keep it that way, together. And on my "day off" during the week, I do grocery shopping, help the kids, help the parents, run errands, change oil, etc. It's a nice mix. 

I would suggest that whilst you have plenty of hobbies and activities, what might be a good option for you would be to quit your current job and instead do something part-time or on a volunteer basis about which you're passionate. For example, let them know at work that you are quitting, give them a month or whatever to train your replacement, and then offer to be a retire/rehire part-time or a "consultant" that they could call on up to 10 hours per week. OR if you've always been passionate about XYZ, volunteer at a charity that addresses XYZ. That way you have a meaningful life focus, but you aren't so stressed out by "work" nor feel like you have to do it all the time. 

My final thought, as a female human being, I was a SAHM for a while when my kids were younger. When I was SAH, I always did things to supplement our income such as take in one or two kids as day care (I watched restaurant workers' kids at normal day rates and we both got a deal)...or doing medical transcription. When my kids got older, I ran the financial and HR portion of our business (bookkeeping, payroll, taxes, training, benefits, handbooks, etc.), working around the kids' school and extra-curricular activities. My exH did not see the value in my participation and thought "his money was his"...and thus after that I always vowed to at least earn enough to pay for MY SHARE of any bills or expenses. In other words--I don't live beyond my own means, and I pay for my own self. Now, my Beloved Buddhist is WAY MORE THAN GENEROUS, and we do literally share everything, and yet my little rule for my own self is to at least earn my own way. It's not a "put-down" of being SAH, but for me, it's just a personal value, I guess, to never ask someone to carry me.

I sense that's something you are also feeling--like it would be asking your dear hubby to "carry you" if you were to just quit working. I get that. The thing is, just recognize maybe that really is a value of yours, and then make choices that align with your value. I personally LOVE being at home, working remotely from home, working 32 hours/week, but still knowing that I earn about what I spend. It's not grand and glorious--I don't pursue it like some pursue career climbing, but I am okay within myself. I think that's where you want to head: find a path that is okay within yourself. Maybe cut back one day. Maybe go part-time. Maybe consult. Maybe pursue your passion. But find that path that is the mix of balancing work and home where you align with your inner self and inner values. Then you'll feel good about your choice.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

I’d be delighted if we could afford for my wife to quit her job, and that enabled her to live a happier less-stressful lifeI’d be happy scaling back our lifestyle to make that happen, if indeed it would work for her.

If we could get by on one income, I’d prefer it to be from me. I don’t mind working so much, and can enjoy it.

I know a couple of people who managed to leave their jobs earlier than most, and they seem quite happy spending their time pursuing what they like doing the most.


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## Galabar01 (Mar 20, 2019)

Making your current salary from day trading is probably not going to work. Read "A Random Walk Down Wall Street" before you go down that road.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

You can do it.

My mom mostly exited the labor force when she was younger than my wife and I are now. She sometimes worked as a substitute teacher teaching math in high school just for laughs. If she got a call and didn’t feel like it she said no. She just did it if she felt like it.

You can maybe find a similar part time thing, maybe day trading. I know some folks who did it for a while but eventually they got bored of it. If it’s just a hobby for you and it’s fun and not required then why not?


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

I'm mostly a SAHM. We moved when I was pregnant with my first baby, 13 years ago, and I haven't been employed full time since then.

I struggle with housekeeping because I hate it! But I do what I have to do to have a clean house.

I think staying at home full time is not for everyone. I struggled to stay home but I knew it was the best decision for our family. I like to work part time and being available for my kids when they need something.

I think you are stressing out too much about it. Try it and see if it works. If doesn't, go back to work full time. No big deal.

I want to go back to college. My plan it to go back when my kids finish high school. We'll see because I'll be paying for 3 people in college!


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Galabar01 said:


> Making your current salary from day trading is probably not going to work. Read "A Random Walk Down Wall Street" before you go down that road.


Yes Thanks for the concern. But I've been doing trading for years. I've always had good returns with the one exception of being over exposed in a biomedical company.

The point is I make more money day trading than investing long term. It isn't even that hard, it just takes time.
The second point being. I day trade with a small portion of our retirement. I could lose it all and we could retire. If I continue making returns even close to what I have been making we could retire several years early. If I lost it all we might have to work to 62.


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## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

It sounds like you're trying to work at cross purposes. Do you want to earn money and retire early? Or do you want to SAHM until your husband can retire? I think you'd be best served picking one.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

DownButNotOut said:


> It sounds like you're trying to work at cross purposes. Do you want to earn money and retire early? Or do you want to SAHM until your husband can retire? I think you'd be best served picking one.


Well the whole point....
I'd love him to retire with me but he most likely won't do that until he hits 30 years in.
So I can keep working and hope to convince him early which probably won't happen

Or I can be a stay at home wife, no mom about it and work to make our lifes better in ways that money doesn't.
While I can make some money trading it isn't one that will be available for household income.

Either way we can afford it. I am trying to decide if there are men that view it as worth while. Not to raise kids. I was curious what things make it worth while to a man from a man's perspective. Eveyone seems to be very concerned about the money. I guess that's an answer in itself... That money is important to most.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Anastasia6 said:


> I am trying to decide if there are men that view it as worth while. Not to raise kids. I was curious what things make it worth while to a man from a man's perspective. Eveyone seems to be very concerned about the money.


One data point here is I could care less about the money. I earn about 4x what my wife makes in an average year and not gonna lie she works harder than I do.

So if she quit and did whatever she wants I would love it, as long as she is home to eat dinner and comes to bed and has sex. Whatever else she does is fine. If she spends every cent I make I don’t care.


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

Anastasia

If you guys can afford going without your income (whether the day trading works or not) go for it! I hate working so will stop the moment I can!

My wife doesn't work and I wish she did as it would allow me (us) to FIRE (Financial Independent Retire Early) sooner than I have planned. I am shooting to do that by the time I am 57 (won't ever have any official retirement but enough investments and money saved to do so) but could do it a few years earlier if she was working.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Anastasia6 said:


> I have been considering quitting my job and my husband says he's fine with it if I do. He understands that if I quit I will not be seeking employment elsewhere. He even has indicated that he thinks if might be for the best.
> 
> Thing is...
> I'm not a stay at home mom. My child is grown. I'm capable of work.
> ...


I'm not even going to talk about money. I'm good at making it but nothing else.

I personally don't have any issues with a stay at home wife.

Mrs. C and I worked together raising our family and she occasionally worked when it didn't negatively impact our family.

After our kids got all big and smelly, we have travelled and worked together, on and off, for over 7 years.

She is done now and I have no problem with her keeping house while I get into semi retirement.

If your husband has no problem with it, you certainly shouldn't worry about it.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

ccpowerslave said:


> One data point here is I could care less about the money. I earn about 4x what my wife makes in an average year and not gonna lie she works harder than I do.
> 
> So if she quit and did whatever she wants I would love it, as long as she is home to eat dinner and comes to bed and has sex. Whatever else she does is fine. If she spends every cent I make I don’t care.


👍👍👍👍👍👍👍👍


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## HappilyMarried1 (Jul 21, 2021)

I say go for it @Anastasia6 there is becoming a major shortage for teachers if you retire and find you miss it you will have no problem going back. I have been retired for 6 years and I am going back in two weeks and due to the shortage I am getting to draw a full teachers salary and still draw my retirement as well. Best of luck!


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## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

Anastasia6 said:


> Well the whole point....
> I'd love him to retire with me but he most likely won't do that until he hits 30 years in.
> So I can keep working and hope to convince him early which probably won't happen
> 
> ...


I think we're concerned that you sound concerned about the money. That you will feel like you aren't contributing as a sah wife. 

Men, for the most part, don't keep score on money. You've given the real answer yourself earlier in the thread. "He will be happy if I am happy". That's the core truth. If you are happy, he will be happy. That is the man's perspective boiled down to its core.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

DownButNotOut said:


> Men, for the most part, don't keep score on money. You've given the real answer yourself earlier in the thread. "He will be happy if I am happy". That's the core truth. If you are happy, he will be happy. That is the man's perspective boiled down to its core.


Exactly this.


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

ccpowerslave said:


> Exactly this.


Well maybe. I will say I am resentful that my wife doesn't contribute financially. She is happy not working and I am happy that she is happy but her lack of income does cross my mind so I wouldn't say guys are always OK with it.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> Well maybe. I will say I am resentful that my wife doesn't contribute financially. She is happy not working and I am happy that she is happy but her lack of income does cross my mind so I wouldn't say guys are always OK with it.


Exactly. However you resent your wife for more than this. I wonder if you'd sing the same tune is she were giving you sex whenever you wanted.


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

Anastasia6 said:


> Exactly. However you resent your wife for more than this. I wonder if you'd sing the same tune is she were giving you sex whenever you wanted.


You are right and probably not. 

But I think even if I was getting more sex, I would still want her to work...to at least make SOME money.

Unless we were of course having sex more than once per day


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> You are right and probably not.
> 
> But I think even if I was getting more sex, I would still want her to work...to at least make SOME money.
> 
> Unless we were of course having sex more than once per day


So I appreciate your honesty. Did you ever tell her it was ok to stay home and not work?


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

Anastasia6 said:


> So I appreciate your honesty. Did you ever tell her it was ok to stay home and not work?


No. She lost her job and then never found a new one and then stopped trying. I have mentioned it numerous times that she needs to get a new one.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

Anastasia6 said:


> I guess part of it is me.
> 
> Why should I be so priviledged to not work?


Nobody has any obligation to work, it's just that necessity pushes a lot of people into it. If you've taken care of necessity, there's no one to answer to.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

SpinyNorman said:


> Nobody has any obligation to work, it's just that necessity pushes a lot of people into it. If you've taken care of necessity, there's no one to answer to.


Yes. But he would have to work at least for a few more years. He makes more money than I do and part of the retirement plan needs a few more years of growth on investments as well as access to his retirement. We could do nothing but him work til age 59.5 and we should be set. I"ve talked to him about leaving earlier if I can arrange it but he seems pretty set most days working til 59.5.

I think for now at least I'll work for another 4 years. I should have the house paid off by then.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

If this thread shows anything, @Anastasia6, is that your character, commitment, and sense of duty are all integral pieces into why your marriage works so well.

If you have earned the ability to not work, maybe it's time to find something that transcends typical work. After retirement, maybe consider volunteering at a charity that supports something that's important to you. That way you could retire and give back in a meaningful way.

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

Anastasia6 said:


> Why would he be ok with me staying home? So many here make it sound like such a burden to have a stay at home wife.
> 
> Are there those that don't mind it?


I can't speak for others, but for me I did kind of mind it when my x-wife wanted to be a SAHM, for financial reasons. Other than that I didn't mind it and also wanted her to be happy and take care of the kids. But I realized years later that it was because she was lazy. Also because she didn't have a full time job(and anyone, don't start with the SAHM mom thing is hard work...I did it when she would go off on trips and would have rather done that than my regular job), she wanted to have time to herself, which we all know where that led.

So he doesn't mind it, but probably doesn't see where this might lead. Don't misunderstand, I'm not saying you are going to stray. But I believe the majority of wives that do not have a job end up getting itchy.




> I've asked him what his expectations would be and he says he doesn't care just wants me to be happy. He also feels I'll be happier and healthier.


That was my reasoning for not fighting the x-wife on it when she wanted to quit her job.



> What if we did split?


This right here tells me you think its a possibility. Why would you say this? Anyone in a healthy and happy marriage would not even put this out there as a possibility.

If you have to ask this question, then I can see this no job thing for you is going to likely be a problem, based on my experience and mine alone.



> Would it be worth it to you (men) if
> You didn't have many chores left?
> You got more sex?
> You were able to have more gormet meals that helped you be healthier that you didn't have to make?
> Your spouse was happier?


Again, this is just my experience, but NONE of those things that were promised happened.

I had to do all the cleanup when I got home from work, sex went down(mainly because she wanted it from other guys), I had to cook the meals because she didn't do jack schidt, and she was only happy when she got to leave the house to go do things with her friends, again, you can guess the outcome there.

Again, I'm not saying you are going to do any of these things. But you did mention wondering about the marriage failing, so do not think that if you get what you want that will make you happy. You may get the itch like so many others.

So to answer your question, based on my experience, no I wouldn't be happy that you wanted to quit.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

drencrom said:


> I can't speak for others, but for me I did kind of mind it when my x-wife wanted to be a SAHM, for financial reasons. Other than that I didn't mind it and also wanted her to be happy and take care of the kids. But I realized years later that it was because she was lazy. Also because she didn't have a full time job(and anyone, don't start with the SAHM mom thing is hard work...I did it when she would go off on trips and would have rather done that than my regular job), she wanted to have time to herself, which we all know where that led.
> 
> So he doesn't mind it, but probably doesn't see where this might lead. Don't misunderstand, I'm not saying you are going to stray. But I believe the majority of wives that do not have a job end up getting itchy.
> 
> ...


Well I only say what if we did split because of TAM. That's why it is in my title. I never in a million years would think our marriage is anything less than ideal. But then there's TAM that proves you can think that and then BAM.

Not every woman is your ex-wife.

As far as the list of things. I know most of those things would happen because I was out of work from july to october adn those things happened. He enjoyed them and felt guilty that he didn't have much chores left. I think he actually enjoyed it. I'm more worried that if the time was extended it is hard for someone to tell now how they would feel in 1 year or so. I do know once I quit I won't be going back.

And no I wouldn't stray. It just isn't in my character. 

On the up side. I made $420 dollars trading today. It really is all about returns. There's a huge difference in a 5% return and a 50% return when you have a nest egg. Since I'm in charge of the finances we were agressive savers and still are. The nest egg really is of sufficient size it just needs a few years to grow that combine with his pension would have more than we currently use as disposable income.

But only time will tell. I work about 60 hours a week right now and no I don't get over time. I'm salaried. I'm a little fed up with it but it allows me to contribute. I'll continue for at least 4 more years til the house is paid then if I quit we won't even see a difference in the household budget.

We do much better when I have time to meal plan and to cook and shop. We also do better when I have time to invest and guide those investments. The house is cleaner when I have time to work around the house. But I don't want to 'leave' him working while the house is still in play because if he got sick or something we'd be vulnerable. While I have 6 months expenses saved and another 6 months in an investment account that I can access without penalty I'm not a risk taker.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

farsidejunky said:


> If this thread shows anything, @Anastasia6, is that your character, commitment, and sense of duty are all integral pieces into why your marriage works so well.
> 
> If you have earned the ability to not work, maybe it's time to find something that transcends typical work. After retirement, maybe consider volunteering at a charity that supports something that's important to you. That way you could retire and give back in a meaningful way.
> 
> Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


Thank you I don't know if you earn the ability not to work. I just know that other parts of our life suffer from a two income household. I am not the do it all girl. If I work 60 hours then you cook sometimes, do dishes, and such. Yeah I'll make dinner but it might not be fancy and i could make it much tastier and somewhat healthier if I was 'rushing' to make it. when I was out of work we lost weight and exercised because we had the meal planning, cooking, shopping and spare time. Now we get off work and by the time dinner is made we don't feel like going for a walk.

So I will work for now but I'm not sure that our current partnership couldn't use the domestic more right now than money so that when we retire we are healthier than we are now.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

Anastasia6 said:


> Not every woman is your ex-wife.


I know, which is why I didn't broadbrush them and said I'm only speaking from MY experience.



> And no I wouldn't stray. It just isn't in my character.


That's very good.


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

Anastasia

Are you working from home? You may have mentioned it and I missed it?

If not, I would suggest trying to find a gig where you can. I work around 50 hrs a week also with no OT, but doing it full time from home is a big difference. Putting in the time is A LOT easier at home than going to an office! Plus you save a TON of money and time on commuting! 

I will still FIRE whenever I can but at least for now the job is more tolerable.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Anastasia6 said:


> Thank you I don't know if you earn the ability not to work. I just know that other parts of our life suffer from a two income household. I am not the do it all girl. If I work 60 hours then you cook sometimes, do dishes, and such. Yeah I'll make dinner but it might not be fancy and i could make it much tastier and somewhat healthier if I was 'rushing' to make it. when I was out of work we lost weight and exercised because we had the meal planning, cooking, shopping and spare time. Now we get off work and by the time dinner is made we don't feel like going for a walk.
> 
> So I will work for now but I'm not sure that our current partnership couldn't use the domestic more right now than money so that when we retire we are healthier than we are now.


Why will you remain working?


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## DallasCowboyFan (Nov 20, 2012)

I am surprised I hadn't seen this post. My wife is quitting in about 2 weeks. I am 56 and she will be 56 in a couple of weeks. She wants to get away from the office drama and take care of more things at home so I do less but we hang out more. We have realized that if we are together more on the weekends, we get less done. IE, if she goes with me to do things I do on the weekend, she can't clean house at the same time. It makes sense that we get more done, have less stress and get to enjoy more time together with one working. She can shop, get car registrations, clean, get things done while I am at work. She can also volunteer part time if she wants to, perhaps help with Meals for the Elderly or something........if she wants to. To answer your questions, 
You didn't have many chores left? That would be awesome!
You got more sex? That would also be awesome and it would make us closer as a couple.
You were able to have more gormet meals that helped you be healthier that you didn't have to make? Yes, and we both need to lose weight. We grab food out too often to save time.
Your spouse was happier? This alone would make it worthwhile

In regards to retirement, in most states you are entitled to half the retirement accounts accumulated during the marriage. However, if you have been happy this long and it sounds like you are going to work to make hubby even happier, I don't know that you will have anything to worry about.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> Anastasia
> 
> Are you working from home? You may have mentioned it and I missed it?
> 
> ...


I am working from home now. He and I but mostly him didn't want me in my old workplace when COVID was new. I agreed but would have stayed probably. That's why I had a few months off last year.

I do enjoy working from home which is one of the reasons I won't go back if I quit. I just won't. But 60 hours is still 60 hours.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Why will you remain working?


To be fair. To avoid an unintentional resentment. To make sure my retirement calculations are correct.
I know what happens right now as I work. I can only predict my happen if I don't work.

I love him and he says he doesn't care. He has even once indicated he'd prefer it if I stay home. But I can say I don't think I'd feel good if I stayed working and he stayed home. Though if he did a good domestic job and I didn't have to do the domestic stuff I think I wouldn't mind.

TAM isn't my only consideration but it does seem that most men want their spouse particularly if they don't have small kids to work. While I acknowledge my husband is his own unicorn how can I know how he'll feel in 2 years when money is tighter than now (where he can buy what he wants pretty much) and he hates his job. 

I would never want to risk our relationship. I think we'd both benefit from stay at home wife but I think I'll wait til the house is paid for before I quit. Then the money works out better. I get paid less than I throw at the house each month.

I guess it is the devil you know.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

DallasCowboyFan said:


> I am surprised I hadn't seen this post. My wife is quitting in about 2 weeks. I am 56 and she will be 56 in a couple of weeks. She wants to get away from the office drama and take care of more things at home so I do less but we hang out more. We have realized that if we are together more on the weekends, we get less done. IE, if she goes with me to do things I do on the weekend, she can't clean house at the same time. It makes sense that we get more done, have less stress and get to enjoy more time together with one working. She can shop, get car registrations, clean, get things done while I am at work. She can also volunteer part time if she wants to, perhaps help with Meals for the Elderly or something........if she wants to. To answer your questions,
> You didn't have many chores left? That would be awesome!
> You got more sex? That would also be awesome and it would make us closer as a couple.
> You were able to have more gormet meals that helped you be healthier that you didn't have to make? Yes, and we both need to lose weight. We grab food out too often to save time.
> ...


Thanks this is exactly what I was talking about. I did those things when I had a short break when switching jobs and we had more free time together. He had more free time period and his free time was less stressful. He and I are both stress eaters and as we age things might be alot easier if we would get healthier. What's the point of retiring at 59 if you are not well.

It's easy to say oh well just cook good meals and work out. But with a 2 household income and my work schedule and his work schedule we never seem to find the energy and time. 

I do know I would 'get' half of his accounts but I'm not sure I'd feel right about it even though it is only larger because I did the planning as a team and we upped his due to employer match. HOWEVER, that really shouldn't be a concern as we are happy and have been happy and I"m sure will continue to be happy. He's 52 so he should be out of mid-life crisis territory soon.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Anastasia6 said:


> I do not think I'd be bored. I have plenty of hobbies. I am also very intellectual and find new hobbies anytime I come close to getting bored.
> 
> Part time isnt an option. I work so many hours now that part time would just mean accepting 1/2 the pay for a full time job.


My dad always used to say after he left work that he didn't know how he ever had time to go to work. He had a full life after he retired.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Anastasia6 said:


> To be fair. To avoid an unintentional resentment. To make sure my retirement calculations are correct.
> I know what happens right now as I work. I can only predict my happen if I don't work.
> 
> I love him and he says he doesn't care. He has even once indicated he'd prefer it if I stay home. But I can say I don't think I'd feel good if I stayed working and he stayed home. Though if he did a good domestic job and I didn't have to do the domestic stuff I think I wouldn't mind.
> ...


Paying the house off before retiring is a good reason, that goes without saying. Maybe this is one of your best reasons so far.

Good job!


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Paying the house off before retiring is a good reason, that goes without saying. Maybe this is one of your best reasons so far.
> 
> Good job!


Yes well even if I stopped working, it would be paid for before he does. But it does give us more security to wait until then for me.


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