# Best decision for son



## Mientes (Apr 17, 2014)

I was separated for almost a year when I met this man and we became friends. Truly only friends no sexual contact whatsoever. After almost a year, he and I became intimate a few times not knowing he was married. This resulted in a pregnancy. When I told him of the pregnancy he basically told me to have an abortion b/c he was married and was having infertility issues with his wife and did not want to bring this to her. They had been trying to have a child for almost 9 years and could not. I confessed what I done to my husband who chose to stand by me and convinced me not have an abortion (wouldn't anyway) as it was not the child's fault. I have a beautiful little boy that shares my husbands last name. The man and I did not have any contact with each other for several years when he contacted me to tell me how sorry he was for how he treated me and the lies he told and could I please forgive him. We exchanged a few photos when he realized the resemblance in my son to him. So he confronted me and we have lived with this secret for years. When my son was 3 the guy told his sister of the affair and the child he had with me. She has met my son a few times but said she would never say anything. Over the years me and the guy talked on and off until a few weeks ago. He contacts me and says he wants to know his son and feels a lot of guilt and that he is a blessing from GOD but he does not want to destroy his family or mine. This has kept me on an emotional rollercoaster. He has a child with his wife that is 2 1/2 months younger than my son. I have a second child with my husband. Long story short the lies, deceit keep growing. Now his entire family knows and cannot believe what he has done and want to be in my son's life. The man would not tell his wife the truth so I did a few weeks ago. He told her it was a one night stand and that he found out about the child a few weeks ago. He did not know he was his and does not even have his last name. Which is true b/c my husband did right by the child. I do not want this man anywhere near me, my child nor does my husband. I do want the wife to know the truth though that he abandoned his child and now since he has been exposed he wants to play the hero and get a DNA test and do the right thing and be in my son's life which will destroy everyone. He has told the wife I am a stalker and not to contact me and so far she hasn't. I have so many emails, photos, phone conversations etc. proving he is a liar but can't get her to contact me to tell her the truth. 

Now my question. Should I care if she knows the truth? Should I let this man be in his life?


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

All I can do is shake my head to EVERYTHING your wrote.

 :scratchhead:

I also have 0 advice for you. I'm sorry.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

So, you and your husband reconciled?

Well, I'd be proactive. Get the test done, put him on child support and give all correspondence to the wife over the last nine years. At this point, if he goes to court, which will be expensive for you to fight, he is going to get some semblance of visitation even if it is monitored. 

Yes, the fact you let the Aunt meet the child will hurt any attempt to keep him out of the child's life.


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## Mientes (Apr 17, 2014)

First, yes we reconciled. If I go the court route, my husband has to give up any rights to the child in order to get child support from Other man which is going to destroy my son. My husband is the only man he has ever known and this man is going to submit a check every month but will not want to be a father to him b/c of his lies to his wife and other child.


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

I'm looking at it from the kid's perspective. Your son will eventually want to know his biological father. It's not clear to me how old the child is...but as he gets older, I think it's best that he knows the truth. Otherwise he will blame you for keeping the truth from him. But that doesn't mean you have to do anything specific with letting the bio dad have contact with him. I don't know how this guy thinks he can be in the kid's life AND keep you from having any contact with his wife, but whatever. I think it would do you some good to contact an attorney.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

This is such a jacked up story... There are no winners here.
1st mistake was the affair.
2nd didn't stay no-contact when it ended. Meaning you never felt remorse. Now you are in this mess.
3rd allowed him to know you kept the child and let his family visit.
4th I can't believe your husband is doing ok and dealing with this well.

At this point, all you can really do is go to court, establish abandonment, make sure you have full rights, and go for full custody. It's going to drag out, he'll get visitation in the end, but you'll get child support including those first years. He won't pay since he just wants to see his son, but not support him... and you'll be back in the courts to remove his rights again after the mandatory time passes for deadbeat dad laws; Which you will use as leverage to get him to sign away his rights as the biological father.

In the end; Both families will be torn apart because it will all come to light during the multiple hearings. Old wounds and new ones will be split open.

You didn't deal with the original affair and weren't remorseful. Karma and I'm pretty sure your husband is dying inside and this will break something more. No idea what's going to happen to your marriage. You might need that child support after all.


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## Want2babettrme (May 17, 2013)

I concur with what firebelly said about hiring an attorney. Ask around and hire the best family law attorney you can find to help you work through this mess.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Mientes said:


> First, yes we reconciled. If I go the court route, my husband has to give up any rights to the child in order to get child support from Other man which is going to destroy my son. My husband is the only man he has ever known and this man is going to submit a check every month but will not want to be a father to him b/c of his lies to his wife and other child.


If he is as adamant as you make it sound, he is going to court anyway. You sure you want your son finding out that way?


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## Mientes (Apr 17, 2014)

firebelly1 Re: Best decision for son

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm looking at it from the kid's perspective. Your son will eventually want to know his biological father. It's not clear to me how old the child is...but as he gets older, I think it's best that he knows the truth. Otherwise he will blame you for keeping the truth from him. But that doesn't mean you have to do anything specific with letting the bio dad have contact with him. I don't know how this guy thinks he can be in the kid's life AND keep you from having any contact with his wife, but whatever. I think it would do you some good to contact an attorney. 


I have contacted an attorney who advised us that the burden is upon him to petition the courts to prove he has reason to believe the child is his. He always contacts me to say he wants to know about his son which is 9 but he only wants to know about him from a distance or as a friend not his father. Now that his wife knows that he has a child 2 1/2 months younger than mine I really don't know if he will try to take me to court or not. I did wrong and take full responsibility but would never have aborted my child for something I did and damn sure don't want him in our lives.


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