# seeking help and advice pleaaaaaase



## Ladylila (Nov 15, 2010)

here is my story.i will try to make it short ,though i doubt i can.I just moved to the united states from Morocco,I came here to meet my fiancee and get married,which i did.i have been married for 4 months now to a man i met 5 years ago in my country.he is a us citizen and he was teaching english at the american language center in Morocco 5 years ago,before he got diagnosted with MS and had to go back to the states.we broke up when he left the country and stayed friends and i forgot him and moved on with my life.but he didn't and he kept sending me emails and last year,in october he came back to morocco and proposed me again,and i did accept ,we applied for a fiancee visa ,and we got it,i moved here and i got married to him.Since day one we started having problems as i realized we are so different from each other.My husband has MS and he haven't been working for at least a year.he recieves DSS and me as an immigrant i have to wait for a work authorization which i can't have till february.we both dont have jobs,but i did work for a while as a housekeeper before my first work permit expired,i had it only for 3 months.and i didn't start working till the last month of that period.My problems with my husband are very serious.first he has no self esteem.he would ask strangers in the street for cigarettes.he has no clothing taste.actually he likes everything that is old,and torned.i struggle to dress him up,like i am dressing a kid,otherwise he would wear anything and especially if it doesn't fitt him.he gets grouchy and grimpy if he doesn't have cigarettes,he has no self control over money,he would spend his entire money on weed in one single day if i dont stop him and he doesn't even admit it.last month i had to drag him to go pay our bills and after we did it we had like a 100$ left ,the next morning i had an appointment for my eye glasses prescription,we wanted to get a bus pass, so i asked for his credit card to go buy the bus passes,he gave it to me and then the machine declined it ,he was like "i dont know what's wrong with it",so i said let's go to the A.T.M ,in our way i was asking him if he had taken money after i left him the previous day and he said yes ,i took money ,and when i asked him "why?you had enough cash with you",he didn't answer but as you all figured out by now ,he spent the money on weed.these are not the only problems,he has a lot of sychological problems,he blames his parents for being distant ,and he blames his dad for dying,he thinks that his step father is an idiot,knowing that he helped us a lot since we got married and he still help us and my husband does accept his help but yet thinks he is an idiot.he resents his step father's family because they are all succesful people and blames his mother for being close to them.I am 24 years old and i have nothing in common with this man,i am a very ambitious ,smart,fashionable girl.I have a 2 years degree in hospitality and tourism, and i have worked for 2 of the bigest companies in my country,i am very independant ,and even in my traditional conservative country i was living alone in a big city and taking care of myself and even helping my family.i have a lot of pride and i dont like to ask people for money or anything.whenever my mother in law offers financial help to us,i have tears in my eyes,because it touches my pride,i am not used to charity,and i come from a good family,i was raised to be proud and now i feel that i lost all my pride,i am living in a tiny appartment in a very bad neighborhood.i live on food stamps and i worked as a housekeeper,cleaning bathrooms and now i would be happy if i can only find a dishwashing position.this is not what i had on my mind coming to the states.i realized that i had a good life in my country but i left all that,and i came here away from my friends and my family which i miss terribly,but my husband doesn't even seem to care.i am poor and broke all the time.i can't find a job and neither my husband.i live on food stamps and cant have the simpliest things i used to afford back home ,and you know what is worse? i can't even divorce and go back home.first i had difficult time convincing my family to let me go to the states marry the man i wanted.i got married and none of my family members was there.second i was virgin and now i am not anymore and in my country they dont really appreciate divorced women.beside that , nobody assisted to my marriage ,only my family will believe that i was really married,people may say i was just having some good time with some man and now he had enough of me and sent me back home.and that makes me just a slot in my country and nobody will want to marry a slot.third i am applying for the green card through K1 visa ,and divorce will end the application and then i will be deported.
My husband is not a bad guy but he went through a lot in his life,and being diagnosted with MS has certainly changed him.but he gives up easily,he is weak,and his friends are all junkies,none of them is a normal person,i dont like his friends and i dont like hunging out with him or receiving his friends in our house,i feel disgusted and ashamed of the man i married and his way of living his life,i tried to help him out,because he is really a smart articulate guy,he was working in publishing in NY before and i still beleive he has great abilities,but he can't keep a job because he can't follow the rules,he is broke but arrogant ,but his arrogance doesn't prevent him from asking random people in streets for a cigarette.I feel so ashamed and feel like i want to cry when he does this.
i MARRIED A MAN I CAN'T RELY ON,in my country men are proud and strong,and capable,they would do anything to support their families.you can rely on a man and feel confident to let him lead,i can't do that wih my husband.he is not organized,i feel most of the time that i married a kid and he is a difficult kid.he has other qualities,he is sensitive and he treats me well.though he can't afford what i like but he loves me ,but that is not enough because i can't trust him with money or with managing our life,i am sure he wont cheat on me but still i dont think that any other woman would want him.he has nothing but his good heart,but it's not enough to have a family.he is a good guy but he is a LOOSER. that is the painful truth i realized.i dont know what to do i tried to encourage him,he keeps applying for jobs but nobody wants him,and i doubt that he can keep a job anyway,he has no sense of responsabilty and at the first difficulty he will just walk of. i asked him to stop smoking weed because it's stupid and take away all his motivation.and when he wants to have sex, he would promiss me that he will stop smoking. and the following day,he will just come back stoned and if i blame him and say "you let a substance take control over your life?" he would get upset or angry and just leave the house again.he can't get over his addiction to weed.i talked to him about it,even said i wont sleep with him if he keeps doing it.and i didn't for a while ,but he became so angry about it ,he even told me that he will just disappear or commit suicide!!
Help me please.i can't divorce him now, i cant go back to my country and i am unable to make him change.we are broke and poor and i feel like i lost my life ,i feel depressed but i try to stay strong ,and keep trying but these days i feel like i am about to give up


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## amicrazyorishecheating (Nov 16, 2010)

i understand i am from the states my self but my culture is diffrent in many ways from americans an any others out here i think you should wait until your papers all go thru once u become legal work on divorce an get a job an be indepent here just as u was home because u cant go home you will recive alot of negative replys about not being able to go back i would guess i could be wrong but i understand if going back isnt an option make it work if u cant then get legal n move on start fresh here u will be able to meet some one here that wont judge u there probley is american morocin comminutys here that will help u adjust alone here or maybe u can get a job an support your husband maybe he will change pray about it an maybe if he see's that you are working on becoming a better person for your self it will inspire him these are my suggestions to you i hope helped u


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

See if you can connect with a Moroccan community in your area. Also, join a religious organization,etc. Try to find people with a similar cultural background. Also, try to reconnect with your family. There's no reason why you should be stuck with your bad decision the rest of your life. Network and make friends, so you will have options.


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## Ladylila (Nov 15, 2010)

Thank you so much for your response.I tried to have friends here but this is the states,people are working and especially Moroccan here,they have no time as many of them work two jobs ,and it's not that easy to make friends.besides i am depressed to the point i can't even go out,i feel that all i want to do is stay in bed all day.i cant work right now because i am waiting for my work permit and it's not gonna be here till february,so all i do now is sleep.i wish i can sleep and dont wake up till i get my work permit.then i will just work and work and barry myself in work till i get my green card 
I can't wait to have my documents.Thank you guys


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

I'm sorry things have gotten so hard for you and that you feel farther and farther away from who you know you are as well as a deep obligation to a man who is destroying himself.

My advice would be to not let him destroy you. You can't spend your life being held hostage and accountable to a person who is self harming and harming you as well.

My other thoughts are just that you are still adapting. You obviously have confidence in yourself and abilities. I hope that when you get your visa you will succeed at anything you do. It sounds as though you will. Perhaps you will start as a dishwasher but you know that you will do more. 

Please tell your husband that you can't be responsible for his agony or his feelings of depression and tell him to get help.


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