# My husband and I can't seem to get along anymore.



## 1986Samantha

My husband is my best friend. Neither of us has a lot of close friends outside the marriage, and we do everything as a team.

I find it devestating that we can't seem to go more than 1 day without an argument. The arguments don't last long, but they always make me cry, and then we spend the rest of the day avoiding eachother, until I can't go one more minute without some form of physical contact, so I usually give him a big hug and we cuddle, and then it's over... Nothing is ever discussed, and no apologies are usually given. 

Our sex life is also suffering. I know his drive has changed (though he would never admit it). I'm 27 and he's 41.... We used to be so passionate, and couldn't keep our hands off eachother - loads of foreplay etc... And now.... I haven't had an orgasm from him in at least 3 months. We still have sex everyday, but it's all about him. and the foreplay is GONE. usually his initiation is severe groping... I'll be reading or just trying to sleep and he'll start pawing in an extremely unsexy way, and I try to push him away and tell him I don't feel like it.... So he'll stop for maybe 30 seconds, and then start again, so I just give in to get him to stop bugging me. It's not sexy at all. 

We started talking about wanting a family about 6 months ago, and I feel like that's completely off the table now... I would never bring children into a marriage where the parents can't tolerate eachother. 

Sometimes when we argue my husband says "you just like being like this" when he sees me cry. That's absolutely not true, and I tell him that. I miss the days when we were carefree and happy. I'm sure this post seems a little vague, but feel free to ask questions..... the arguments don't revolve around any one subject, so it would take a while to list them.


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## Theseus

1986Samantha said:


> My husband is my best friend. Neither of us has a lot of close friends outside the marriage, and we do everything as a team.



That might be part of the problem. It's possible you both just need a little time apart doing things with friends, so you appreciate each other more when you are together. 





> I find it devestating that we can't seem to go more than 1 day without an argument. The arguments don't last long, but they always make me cry, and then we spend the rest of the day avoiding eachother, until I can't go one more minute without some form of physical contact, so I usually give him a big hug and we cuddle, and then it's over... Nothing is ever discussed, and no apologies are usually given.


Obviously if nothing is ever discussed, then nothing will be resolved, and you will have the argument all over again. The only thing I can recommend there is marriage counseling. Disagreements are natural, but sometimes couples need to learn how to argue. There are some basic rules: don't use insults, avoid absolute statements like "you always do this" or "you never do this" because they are usually wrong, focus on resolving the argument rather than trying to prove you are right, etc. 



> We used to be so passionate, and couldn't keep our hands off eachother - loads of foreplay etc... And now.... I haven't had an orgasm from him in at least 3 months. We still have sex everyday, but it's all about him. and the foreplay is GONE. usually his initiation is severe groping... I'll be reading or just trying to sleep and he'll start pawing in an extremely unsexy way, and I try to push him away and tell him I don't feel like it.... So he'll stop for maybe 30 seconds, and then start again, so I just give in to get him to stop bugging me. It's not sexy at all.


Counseling could certainly help with this, although maybe just communicating with him directly will do it. From his point of view it probably looks like you are giving him mixed signals; on the one hand, you want more sex and passion, on the other hand, you keep pushing him away. Gentle groping is a type of foreplay, btw. You need to be clear about what you need and what you think is missing.


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## Acorn

1986Samantha said:


> I'm sure this post seems a little vague, but feel free to ask questions..... the arguments don't revolve around any one subject, so it would take a while to list them.


I would be interested in knowing what some of the arguments are about, and more importantly, are there hot topics on either your or his end that purposely DON'T get discussed because you both know it'll be an argument? 

I agree with Theseus about the sex issue. If you want more passion, but you push him away, you are setting the marriage up for failure. You need to find a way to green light his advances while teaching him how you want to be touched. (He can't read your mind.)

Honestly, he may think sex is one of those things that he needs but is just hoping to get through before you stop him. That might explain the lack of fun for you when it happens. And again, if you do this routine every day, you are teaching him this is the routine, so it's time to break it and give him an alternative you both enjoy.


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## Thumper

Agreed with the double sending of messages on the sex. Guys are straight shooters, tell him what you want, don't be shy, im sure he'd love some input.


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## KathyBatesel

Samantha, can you describe what leads to these arguments? Is it because of one person not understanding the other, or is it because one person's trying to be too bossy, or something else entirely? 

I realize that you may be arguing over a lot of different kinds of things, but what's the basic reason that applies to all those arguments?


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## Chris Taylor

What the arguments are about really doesn't matter. It's the fact that EVERYDAY, and probably EVERYDAY THINGS, create an argument because of tension just under the surface.

Part of it may be sex. You aren't getting what you want and he probably feels it and thinks he's just getting duty sex (which, by your description, he probably is).

There's probably more than just sex... a disconnect emotionally (which may cause the sex problem), being taken for granted, etc...

You have to identify those problems and work on them. The sex will come back. Maybe you have to work on the sex first... be more open to his "gropes", BUT YOU HAVE TO GET YOURSELF TAKEN CARE OF TOO. More sex and more satisfying sex may lead towards being more open to discuss things on both your parts.


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