# How do you get your man to stand up?



## LimboGirl (Oct 28, 2011)

I don't think my husband is quote a "nice guy". He can be really selfish. It is normal for him to try to keep me in the dark on issues so he can control the situation. But he doesn't take the initiation to do things either. Household projects are not his concern. "He's not good at them." If you asked me when he takes the lead in our relationship or life, I wouldn't be able to come up with anything.

So here is my problem. Since we have been doing MC, he has been trying to be nice. As in hugging me more. Spending more time with me. These are things I never asked for. We both work at home. I feel I have made it clear I need space. I look forward to times when he isn't around. I have told him I need space. I have told him some things need to be my turf. He doesn't get this. I'm afraid that he is going down the nice guy path, when I want him to go down the personal responsibility / grow up path.

Is there anything I can do?


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Try leaving the house once in a while to get some space.

But - if its his lack of initiative that's bothering you - I'm really not sure what you can do about it. Maybe praise him to death when he gets something right?


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## LimboGirl (Oct 28, 2011)

nice777guy said:


> Try leaving the house once in a while to get some space.
> 
> But - if its his lack of initiative that's bothering you - I'm really not sure what you can do about it. Maybe praise him to death when he gets something right?


I am leaving the house more. But I need to get things done. As you can see, instead of doing that I'm on TAM. Hoping in the long run TAM will help me be more productive.

I used to praise him more. I am so exhausted though. This sounds mean but he is like a cup you can never fill. He has low self-esteem. We are in joint MC. I'm trying to be patience, but he has only begun to admit his depression problems.

I think you are right though. I need to get out of the house. I'm considering changing to a job outside of the house.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Give him some responsibilities. Bring it up in MC if necessary. 
Same way you would a teenager. Not saying treat him like a child, but if has no experience at this... swim or sink.
Pick a task. That is now his job. Could be just household stuff. And let him do it his own way. No correcting or crticizing.

That sometimes help people with self esteem too.


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## LimboGirl (Oct 28, 2011)

deejov said:


> Give him some responsibilities. Bring it up in MC if necessary.
> Same way you would a teenager. Not saying treat him like a child, but if has no experience at this... swim or sink.
> Pick a task. That is now his job. Could be just household stuff. And let him do it his own way. No correcting or crticizing.
> 
> That sometimes help people with self esteem too.


 Here's part of my problem. I don't want to be his mother. It is such a turnoff. I think he waits for me to solve problems for him. So there's a fine line between giving him tasks and not mothering him. I think part of the problem is he has never known what he wants out of life. He is 49 and still has no future plans. Don't get me wrong he has always provided for his family.

He is just confusing.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Maybe a rewards chart??? He gets a gold star each time he does something right!

(sorry - that was sarcasm)

Focus on yourself and let him fend for himself a bit more. Ask more of him. Let him be responsible for dinner on certain nights - whether its cooking or carryout.

Is there any way to get HIM out of the house more often?

I hate to say you can't teach an old dog - etc., etc - but at 49, expecting him to change much, might be a bit overly optimistic on your part.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

nice777guy said:


> Maybe a rewards chart??? He gets a gold star each time he does something right!
> 
> (sorry - that was sarcasm)
> 
> ...


Yes you need to ask him to do things, and be specific - this is not about mothering or personal responsibility, it is about making a partnership work, you may find that once you ask him he will start enjoying getting some sh!t done.

Once he starts getting sh!t done he may feel more like rewarding himself by going out and treating himself more. Once he starts taking care of himself the way he needs you will probably find a lot more attraction towards him.


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## LimboGirl (Oct 28, 2011)

nice777guy said:


> Maybe a rewards chart??? He gets a gold star each time he does something right!
> 
> (sorry - that was sarcasm)
> 
> ...


I wish I didn't agree with you but I really don't know if he can change. I tried to get him to do counseling over 15 years ago. Stayed in this for the kids. The kids are almost grown. I guess we'll see if he can change.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

LimboGirl said:


> I wish I didn't agree with you but I really don't know if he can change. I tried to get him to do counseling over 15 years ago. Stayed in this for the kids. The kids are almost grown. I guess we'll see if he can change.


Truly - why do you think he would change at this point? What's his incentive?

And honestly - is it fair to him that you suddenly start placing new "demands" on him?

Does he know you've been unhappy with him and only stayed because of the kids?


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

LimboGirl said:


> Here's part of my problem. I don't want to be his mother. It is such a turnoff. I think he waits for me to solve problems for him. So there's a fine line between giving him tasks and not mothering him. I think part of the problem is he has never known what he wants out of life. He is 49 and still has no future plans. Don't get me wrong he has always provided for his family.
> 
> He is just confusing.


I understand the mother part. One thing at a time. combine the two concepts. Doing things for yourself. Looking after yourself. Which means STOP spending YOUR time looking after him and solving his problems. Don't want to be his mother? Then don't be. It's not about telling him what to do, he should know this stuff, but he doesn't.

If you approach it with a mindset of forcing independence, you might be surprised what he will do. You can give him a 'kick' in the right direction. What he does with it is his choice.


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