# How....How can it be done??



## Rico

I'll be brief and whatever details I can fill you in on just ask.

Been married 10 years 2 kids, the last four of the 10, my wife sort of disconnected from being a wife and focused on homemaker and mother. I was neglected and told her over and over again my feelings and did nothing.

I was living unhappily and kept biting my tongue and just hanging tough hoping it would change. In walks in a girl at work that compliments me and makes me feel awesome. I wasn't thinking clearly and made the decision to follow this avenue. After all my wife had at this point convinced me that she was unwilling to change. So i carried on and made the mistake of cheating.

Fast forward, my wife finds out and she doesn't want to do anything or hear anything about fixing this. She says there is too much for her to deal with and that the one thing she couldn't come back from is cheating. I cut off from the other girl and have been desperately trying to convey to my wife the reasoning behind my decision and she just is adamant about working on things. So my question remains, how do you come back from the betrayal that I have wrought? Do I just give it time and concentrate on being the best father I could be or do i simply just give up. I love my wife still very much, I just wanted her to interact with me more. I'm guilty of cheating but If I'm guilty of wanting affection and love from my wife then that is something I'll be guilty of all day. I want her back but she gets nasty when i say I love her and that she doesn't want to hear that from me. I just don't feel there is a way to reconcile from this.


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## Rico

I have completely separated from the other woman and yes she just found out recently so I do think that she is in the angry/betrayed phase.

the only thing that I can think of doing is giving her the time.


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## Babyheart

Hey Rico, I think giving her time may work. You must understand that she feels completely & utterly betrayed by you. You must give her the reasons to trust you again. 

10 years is a long time, and we tend to get complacent & neglect each other. You may say you told her over & over of your feelings but did you actually DO anything? You know, maybe buy the woman some flowers, take her out to a romantic dinner, book a weekend away together - or did you just say it & hope she'd take the iniative to do it for you? 

You need to own up to this screw up of yours. Of course shes going to be nasty to you. She is incredibly hurt & she is trying to protect herself from more hurt by being mean to you. 100% understandable. Give her some time. Show her you care. Show her you are sorry. Maybe go to counseling & hopefully you can repair this & move on. 
Best of luck to you both.


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## Freak On a Leash

Dude, you screwed up, big time. The sooner you realize this and own up, the sooner you can try and patch up what's left of your marriage. 

My husband and I fought for years, we slept fully clothed on the opposite side of the bed. We took separate vacations. We were little more than room mates at one point. Believe me, I thought about getting the love and affection I craved from someplace else but never went there. My husband is convinced that I did, which hurts even more but I never strayed. I've done other things to screw up but at least I can sleep at night knowing that I never cheated on my husband in spite of all the crap I went through. Adultery is that line in the sand and once you cross it, there's no going back. 

So now you have to roll over and take what she's dishing out if you want to keep your marriage intact. First thing is, NO excuses. Second is to try and get counseling, if not for both of you then for yourself. You have no credibility anymore. Anything your wife has or hadn't done up to this point pales in comparison to what you've done. Sooner you realize this, the better off your marriage will be. Time to eat crow and it's gonna be nasty swallowing it. You have a long, uphill battle. Good luck.


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## Rico

Babyheart said:


> Hey Rico, I think giving her time may work. You must understand that she feels completely & utterly betrayed by you. You must give her the reasons to trust you again.
> 
> 10 years is a long time, and we tend to get complacent & neglect each other. You may say you told her over & over of your feelings but did you actually DO anything? You know, maybe buy the woman some flowers, take her out to a romantic dinner, book a weekend away together - or did you just say it & hope she'd take the iniative to do it for you?
> 
> You need to own up to this screw up of yours. Of course shes going to be nasty to you. She is incredibly hurt & she is trying to protect herself from more hurt by being mean to you. 100% understandable. Give her some time. Show her you care. Show her you are sorry. Maybe go to counseling & hopefully you can repair this & move on.
> Best of luck to you both.


Thing is she was so consumed in her role as a mother that she would always make excuses as to why she didnt want to leave the kids with a sitter. So yeah I tried to DO stuff about the problem, I was the affectionate one always looking to hold hands etc. I'm owning everything I've done. She acknowledges her end as well but she is so angry and betrayed by all of this that she doesnt understand why it happened. Even before I finally decided to go for it with the OW, we had another talk about my feelings and again, nothing. I hope time can heal her heart and that I can last and be patient. I pray we end up back together and make things different.


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## Catherine602

Rico there is an e book "how can I forgive you" by Janet Abrahms it is available as a free download from iBook site on the iPhone. It has a different take on forgiveness which may be more sucessful than a simple "I am sorry," you need to atone for the cheating with no thought of how justified you felt you were. I read a book on forgiveness that helped me forgive my husband and get back on track and I thnk it may help you. I think your wife would be insulted if you asked her to read it but if you read it you will have insight into what is involved in forgiveness and may help you in gaining a foothold in your wife's life. 

She of course must seek your forgiveness for the years of neglect but first things first. Both cannot be done at the same time - you cannot ask her to forgive you and at the same time blame her for your chioce. To get her to understand how much you regret your choice and how much you regret the pain you have caused her you have to realy feel it strongly. You seem to feel sorry for yourself and resent being dropped by the OW and your wife. So you may not actually love your wife enough to want to work on the marriage but you are just lonely?? Do you feels you were driven to cheat and now you are required to work to get into her good graces. 

If you feel this way it may be best to move on. You engaged in a 10 month affair that would not have stopped if she did not find out - you said that - why would a woman like your wife accept you back when you appear to blame her. She is nasty to you because she likely precieves you insincerity. Maybe you can work on being a good co- parent, good man, and maybe eventually a good friend. 

She will have no problems having a successful relationship with a man who matches her qualities, especially if she recognizes the mistakes she made with you. It is not surprising that she would rather start fresh instead of trying with a man who is nursing a grudge and feels he was pushed to cheat and would not have come clean if she did not find out. So you see what you are competing with - from her point of view you are not worth the trouble because you are weak in your resolve, which may have been a problem in the marriage. That is something to look at for your next relationship. 

Are you really sure you want to take the journey? I think you will need to stop thinking that she was responsible for being humiliated and betrayed or that she is nasty. You either go at it with a full heart and pulling out all of the stops. A wishy washy approach is weak and she sees that your efforts are half hearted and that you still feel you were somehow justified. She sounds like a confident woman who loves and respects herself, of course she will view your attempt to reconcile as not worthy of serious consideration. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Rico

Catherine602 said:


> Rico there is an e book "how can I forgive you" by Janet Abrahms it is available as a free download from iBook site on the iPhone. It has a different take on forgiveness which may be more sucessful than a simple "I am sorry," you need to atone for the cheating with no thought of how justified you felt you were. I read a book on forgiveness that helped me forgive my husband and get back on track and I thnk it may help you. I think your wife would be insulted if you asked her to read it but if you read it you will have insight into what is involved in forgiveness and may help you in gaining a foothold in your wife's life.
> 
> She of course must seek your forgiveness for the years of neglect but first things first. Both cannot be done at the same time - you cannot ask her to forgive you and at the same time blame her for your chioce. To get her to understand how much you regret your choice and how much you regret the pain you have caused her you have to realy feel it strongly. You seem to feel sorry for yourself and resent being dropped by the OW and your wife. So you may not actually love your wife enough to want to work on the marriage but you are just lonely?? Do you feels you were driven to cheat and now you are required to work to get into her good graces.
> 
> If you feel this way it may be best to move on. You engaged in a 10 month affair that would not have stopped if she did not find out - you said that - why would a woman like your wife accept you back when you appear to blame her. She is nasty to you because she likely precieves you insincerity. Maybe you can work on being a good co- parent, good man, and maybe eventually a good friend.
> 
> She will have no problems having a successful relationship with a man who matches her qualities, especially if she recognizes the mistakes she made with you. It is not surprising that she would rather start fresh instead of trying with a man who is nursing a grudge and feels he was pushed to cheat and would not have come clean if she did not find out. So you see what you are competing with - from her point of view you are not worth the trouble because you are weak in your resolve, which may have been a problem in the marriage. That is something to look at for your next relationship.
> 
> Are you really sure you want to take the journey? I think you will need to stop thinking that she was responsible for being humiliated and betrayed or that she is nasty. You either go at it with a full heart and pulling out all of the stops. A wishy washy approach is weak and she sees that your efforts are half hearted and that you still feel you were somehow justified. She sounds like a confident woman who loves and respects herself, of course she will view your attempt to reconcile as not worthy of serious consideration.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thanks for the insight. The reality is I love her very very much and I just lost myself and made a bad choice. I accept full responsibility whether pushed or not. I would pull out all the stops to keep my family together. To have my wife. I could easily accept that she doesnt want me and move on, but that isnt the case. I'm not a bad man or husband. I just made a bad choice. for 9 of 10 years I was faithful and committed to only her and I dont know what happened. I know that I do hate myself for what I have done. I know that I look in the mirror and I dont like the person that I see. I didnt look to have the EA as a means to get out of my marriage. Like I said I was lonely. I will look at that book and I appreciate your words.


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## Rico

I went out and bought the book, thank you. I need to read things like this to get a better understanding of what she is going through and what I can do to help her and myself. I will try my hardest to repair things. I dont want to come off as the guy that is justifying my reasons for infidelity. I did it and I want to help hold whatever chance of I have of repairing this and if not then I know I gave it my all. THe worst that happens is she decides to not get back with me and we simply work on our relationship outside of the marriage to be good co-parents and friends.


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## Catherine602

Rico said:


> I went out and bought the book, thank you. I need to read things like this to get a better understanding of what she is going through and what I can do to help her and myself. I will try my hardest to repair things. I dont want to come off as the guy that is justifying my reasons for infidelity. I did it and I want to help hold whatever chance of I have of repairing this and if not then I know I gave it my all. THe worst that happens is she decides to not get back with me and we simply work on our relationship outside of the marriage to be good co-parents and friends.


Rico you made a mistake but you did't commit the ultimate crime like beating or killing or some other great evil. Cheating is painful but not the worse thing in world. I say this because you are going too far. To be remorseful is OK and to hate what you did is appropriate. To hate yourself is way too much. Hate your mistake but not you. Cheating does not make you a bad person so don't go there. You said yourself that you are a good man and you are right. 

Remember part of forgiveness is forgiving yourself if you cant do that, you will never be able to see your way clear to work on reconciliation. You have to approach your wife with absolute conviction that you are a good man that buckled under vey trying circumstances. You are good enough to be the man in her life. You will get to the part where you need to have your wife show true remorse and know that she needs to atone too. But that comes latter but it needs to happen.

It's obvious in your case that you tried as best you could to solve your problem and you slipped but you can recover because you are a good man. Many men cheat just one time and never again. If the problems are too severe you are more likely to divorce and not get into the emotional turmoil of an outside relationship.

Your are not deserving of hate, if you are then we all are, I have done things that were stupid and hurt people but I don't hate myself that is going too far. 

I wish you would think about this and get support from someone who knows and loves you. There are probably lots a people like that in your life. You wife still loves you, she would be indifferent if she didn't. The depth of her emotions in a testament to how much she loves you. Even if she can't overcome her pain and try, she loves you.


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## Rico

Catherine602 said:


> Rico you made a mistake but you did't commit the ultimate crime like beating or killing or some other great evil. Cheating is painful but not the worse thing in world. I say this because you are going too far. To be remorseful is OK and to hate what you did is appropriate. To hate yourself is way too much. Hate your mistake but not you. Cheating does not make you a bad person so don't go there. You said yourself that you are a good man and you are right.
> 
> Remember part of forgiveness is forgiving yourself if you cant do that, you will never be able to see your way clear to work on reconciliation. You have to approach your wife with absolute conviction that you are a good man that buckled under vey trying circumstances. You are good enough to be the man in her life. You will get to the part where you need to have your wife show true remorse and know that she needs to atone too. But that comes latter but it needs to happen.
> 
> It's obvious in your case that you tried as best you could to solve your problem and you slipped but you can recover because you are a good man. Many men cheat just one time and never again. If the problems are too severe you are more likely to divorce and not get into the emotional turmoil of an outside relationship.
> 
> Your are not deserving of hate, if you are then we all are, I have done things that were stupid and hurt people but I don't hate myself that is going too far.
> 
> I wish you would think about this and get support from someone who knows and loves you. There are probably lots a people like that in your life. You wife still loves you, she would be indifferent if she didn't. The depth of her emotions in a testament to how much she loves you. Even if she can't overcome her pain and try, she loves you.


I hear what you're saying, i do. And maybe I have been beating myself up more than I should, but i believe i deserve everything that is coming my way. More and more it just seems like she is indifferent to what has been done and I believe right now there is no coming back from this. I've ruined the person she was and have made her into this angry version that i never knew. That is a major regret for me. To have ruined someone so goodhearted and have her carry this anger and animosity. I don't like that I am the one that has made her this way. I understand that she drifted away from me but I just wish I would have known so that I could rekindle what was lost rather than spin my wheels and make a bad decision. I don't know how to act on an everyday basis with her. I try to be cordial but then I encounter an air of distance and coldness from her. I don't think she loves me anymore because of what has been done. I read all of these stories of couples working their way back, and I hope it does but right now at this moment I think she is too far gone and it just makes me sad because I had such a good thing with her and I think we lost each other and the people that we were that made us such a happy couple. If it doesn't end up with us getting back together then I have to start learnign to accept it and move on. I'm having a hard time dealing with the idea of her and I no longer together. But i made my bed and I have to lay in it.


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## Catherine602

Rico have you read any of the "how to overcome infidelity" on this site. The advice may help you to weather this period. Just knowing the stages of the responses of the betrayed spouse may help to understand what is happening I may also help to guide you about how to handle things.


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## Rico

Catherine602 said:


> Rico have you read any of the "how to overcome infidelity" on this site. The advice may help you to weather this period. Just knowing the stages of the responses of the betrayed spouse may help to understand what is happening I may also help to guide you about how to handle things.


I would like that Catherine, I just bought a book and I'm waiting for it called after the affair. I wanted to get a perspective on what she is going through and what she has to deal with as far as forgiving me. I cant find the "how to overcome infidelity" part. If you can lead me there I would appreciate it.


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## Catherine602

Rico said:


> I would like that Catherine, I just bought a book and I'm waiting for it called after the affair. I wanted to get a perspective on what she is going through and what she has to deal with as far as forgiving me. I cant find the "how to overcome infidelity" part. If you can lead me there I would appreciate it.


There is an excellent site, Aftercare, started and maintained by a member of this Forum. This is a link to the "recovering from an affair" section section.

Coming Out of an Affair

There is a wealth of information there. Your wife sounds smart and to realize that she had some part in the marital problems. Maybe some day when she her way clear, she will read it when she is ready to turn to you again. . The lover Builder section is very good.

There is also a Marriage Builder site also very good. 

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html


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## sammy3

RICO, 
You could be my husband. The very words come out of his mouth that you write. I am 5 weeks from my husbands affair. The very words you write of your wife comes out of my mouth.

The journey your choice put your wife on, is one you will never forget. 

My advice, start reading, learning, and understanding,you are only at the tip of the iceberg.


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