# Don't know how to feel



## Asayer82 (Jan 4, 2016)

My husband and I have been married 5.5 years. In that time we've had some real bad lows (miscarriages, breakdowns, redundancies) but we've stayed strong and I always thought of him as my best friend and my never failing rock. 
Last August (2015) I discovered he was a member of a local sex site messaging women and sharing indecent images of himself. His reasons were he didn't feel attractive anymore (much if my attention was given to our then 9yo, 1.5yo and 6mo) as I was always busy and always too tired for sex. He was and at he had never met up not intended to meet up with any of the women. We worked through things and they were really starting to improve, my trust was slowly returning and I thought we were awesome for getting through.
Then, a week ago today, I discovered he had visited two female escorts back in October 2014. Obviously I was and am still devastated. Asked him to leave, etc etc. He's telling me although he actively sought them out, booked and paid for them there was never actually any physical contact between him and either of them. Both times he was told to strip off, put in protection and climb aboard. The first time he couldn't rise to the occasion at all, declined an offer of help and left. The second time he managed halfway to rising to the occasion and the same thing happened. He tells me the reason he couldn't do it was because of me. Because he knew he was being stupid. Part of me desperately wants to believe him but I can't help thinking why go back a second time? If he had been able to get erect would he have done the deed? Is that even true? I'll never know for sure but I do know I still love him and he has come across so genuine and sincere in his disgust with himself, his fear of losing me and our family and his promises it will never happen again in any way and he wants to make things work. 
Using know what to think or feel and it's killing me. Is spend hours going through dating sites entering the multiple emails addresses I discovered. I search through his emails with words like sex, escort, etc, etc. I lay awake at night thinking about what I could have missed. He could have come clean when the first thing came out but he lied and kept it hidden. I'm so sad


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## deg20 (Apr 10, 2015)

If you believe him then come see me about a bell I'm selling in Philadelphia...it's got a crack in it but you can get it fixed...

...please don't believe him...please...


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## RosaParks (Jan 4, 2016)

I understand you don't know how to feel. I've been there ,too. Very similar situation that I was in 25 years ago, and I can tell you with authority, you are married to a chronic liar who wants his cake and eat it too. I am still in the marriage and the kids are grown. About every 6 months or more for the last 20+ YEARS, I stumble upon some other "set back" of lies: chat rooms, chat roulette, gambling jaunts, nude beach adventures, tantra massage, enough porn to crash a computer, etc. I never go searching any more (It's self defeating!), but I stumble upon it, and he always has a lie to try and cover it up. I have a routine now . . .whenever it happens and I call it to his attention, as soon as he starts blame shifting , lying or downplaying, I go straight to get tennis shoes and purse and and head out the door to town that is 25 miles away. I go looking around stores, maybe walk through a park, take myself for a manicure or dinner, and I don;t come home until I'm good and ready and calmed down. I do not listen to his excuses or yelling, and I now can make it my business to rarely yell back. Counseling has not helped us. I am fortunate to have raised two wonderful kids who live away and to be financially stable. I definitely believe my husband loves me, but like any other addiction, he is pulled to his lying and selfish behaviors. 

It will not get better. So you must decide are you and your children better off with him or without him and how much can you take? I was sure I would wait til the children were out of the house. Now I doubt the grass is greener if we got divorced. But I often yearn for a man that is capable of intimacy and honesty. I am proud of the way I have led my own life and the way I own my feelings when he screws up, but it can be a very lonely existence. 

Good luck in making a decision that is right for you. Based not he "excuses" he has given you to explain away his behavior, I'm pretty sure he is a chronic liar and was likely never held accountable for his behavior growing up. Hugs for your journey, my sister.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Oh. When a person says: "I was about to have PIV sex with my lover, but decided not to at the last second" they are either lying, or they are me!" (My story is complicated and utterly irrelevant at this point, but when I was indulging in an idiotic revenge affair I did stop only seconds away from unprotected vaginal intercourse. When I saw an image of my wife in the bedroom.)

Your husband. He either cheated on you twice, or attempted to chest on you twice. Either way it is bad.

I would suggest counselling both individual and as a couple.

And HE will have to do the heavy lifting. And you will both require STD tests and he gets to take a lie detector test.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tpdallas (Aug 28, 2015)

Please remember that even if he could not rise to the occasion there was foreplay. 

That is still cheating. Very few just take their pants off and stick it in.

I say divorce him.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

The fact that they lie is indisputable. It's self-protective and therefore 'understandable.'

But it's absolutely amazing how these liars come up with the same lies all the time. The same lies, over the years, across the world, in every culture. The same damned lies.

- 'I was just looking.'
- 'I was just curious.'
- 'It wasn't from me. My friend was using my phone/laptop/tablet.'
- 'We're just friends.'
- 'Are you kidding? I'm not even attracted to him/her.'
- 'I made the appointment/hotel reservation/flight reservation but couldn't go through with it.'
- 'That hotel charge on my cc must be fraudulent.'
- 'I couldn't get it up.'
- 'I was too ashamed.'
- 'I thought only about YOU and couldn't go through with it.'
- 'It was only one time.'
- 'We just kissed.'
- 'It was just oral.'
- 'He/She was having trouble in his/her marriage and I was helping with it.'
- 'Those are just pop-ups from porn.'
- 'I don't know how that app got on my phone. It's just from an ad.'
- 'I have to have a pw on my phone for work.'
- 'It was only 3 months.' (When it was really 2 years.)
- 'I have no time for an affair.'

And the all time best -> 'I LOVE only you. You know I would never cheat on you.'

Sigh.

He's lying about so much. He just is. Tell him you want a polygraph. He'll really lose his erection then.


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

Sorry you are here my lady.

You know your husband is lying to you and he cheated back in 2014 and now in August. Also he probablly cheated more then that.

It is so stupid and his story how he could not get erect,didnt want to have sex with them thinking about you but he decided to contact this women,book a trip and room for them and even buy some condoms.

You will never find the truth. 

You should ask yourself are you willing to spend your life with him,always checking on him and never knowing the truth. 5.5 years is not a lot so think about it.

Stay strong.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

Tip of the iceberg....not what you wanted to hear but brace yourself, there is a whole lot more.


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## Asayer82 (Jan 4, 2016)

He says he went to the apartments, it was all very business like and cold. He was told to go into the bedroom, strip, get himself going and put on protection. There was no contact whatsoever. No foreplay, kissing, nothing. I don't know how these things work apart from I've seen on tv and in films. In my head the girls are friendly, tactile, accommodating and there is stimulation to get the guy aroused. He's adamant there is nothing more for me to find. He's never done anything other than what I know and he never would again. I just don't know. I want to believe him but my gut tells me he's hiding details. I've even gone as far as to reactivate his account on the escort page but he deleted all of the messages before shutting it down. Same with the local dating site so there is nothing to back up what he's telling me. i feel like I'm being stupid. Counselling is on the cards but I've made it clear it's not necessarily to work through it but potentially to act as closure for me. Things go round and round my head. Did the girl I noticed months ago who kept looking at him like she know him actually know him? If so how? I know he Ives me and is upset about it all but is it because I've caught him out and he's possibly going to lose us rather than because he genuinely doesn't know why he did what he did instead of coming to me? I know il never now the truth. Only what he tells me and I have to decide if that's enough. 
We takes about polygraphs and he has absolutely agreed to take one if I want him to but I'm sure they're not particularly accurate and can come out with false positives or negatives because the individual is overly stressed or is able to control themselves when lying. 
If you asked anyone if they thought he was the type they would absolutely disagree. He's the epitome of attentive partner and hands on dad. Which makes this all the more shocking for me


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Asayer82 said:


> He says he went to the apartments, it was all very business like and cold. He was told to go into the bedroom, strip, get himself going and put on protection. There was no contact whatsoever. No foreplay, kissing, nothing. I don't know how these things work apart from I've seen on tv and in films. In my head the girls are friendly, tactile, accommodating and there is stimulation to get the guy aroused. He's adamant there is nothing more for me to find. He's never done anything other than what I know and he never would again. I just don't know. I want to believe him but my gut tells me he's hiding details. I've even gone as far as to reactivate his account on the escort page but he deleted all of the messages before shutting it down. Same with the local dating site so there is nothing to back up what he's telling me. i feel like I'm being stupid. Counselling is on the cards but I've made it clear it's not necessarily to work through it but potentially to act as closure for me. Things go round and round my head. Did the girl I noticed months ago who kept looking at him like she know him actually know him? If so how? I know he Ives me and is upset about it all but is it because I've caught him out and he's possibly going to lose us rather than because he genuinely doesn't know why he did what he did instead of coming to me? I know il never now the truth. Only what he tells me and I have to decide if that's enough.
> We takes about polygraphs and he has absolutely agreed to take one if I want him to but I'm sure they're not particularly accurate and can come out with false positives or negatives because the individual is overly stressed or is able to control themselves when lying.
> If you asked anyone if they thought he was the type they would absolutely disagree. He's the epitome of attentive partner and hands on dad. Which makes this all the more shocking for me


It is being claimed that the best way to deal with a lie detector test for infidelity is to use simple questions such as the three question technique developed for the Jeremy Kyle Show in the UK.

It runs something like this:

1) Since you became married to xxxx, have you passionately kissed anyone other than your spouse?
2) Since you became married to xxxx, have you had any sexual contact with any other person?
3) Since you married xxxx, have you had sexual intercourse with any other person?


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

The effect of the polygraph approach is to force more truth out of him. Just the threat of a poly will often do this. Many WS's agree to it, betting that their BS's will be reassured by the assent and then back off. It's a tactic, one that works often.

I would go through with it if I were you. He's spinning very predictable tales. Keep reading here. You will see. He's full of it & there's most likely a lot more. Honestly, if you don't push for more of the truth now, he will breathe a sigh of relief, lie low for a while & then start up again. Also very predictable.

It's your life and you have a right to control how you live it. Take control and work to learn the truth about the person you've committed yourself to. You deserve that, in my opinion.


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