# Divorced Filed, Not Served - Is this the end?



## CainJ (May 6, 2014)

This is long, sorry...( I left out a lot)

My wife and I have been together since 2003. It has a been bumpy to say the least. However, those differences, for the most part, outweighed our differences - at least in the beginning.

Without going into details about our history, I'll jump to the end  Then you guys can ask any questions you are not sure of. Presently my wife does not have a job (it has been this way for several years). She also is diagnosed with an anxiety, depression as well as ADHD and schizophrenia. None of which are TOO invasive, unless I have just been with her to long and have become acclimated to it.

While I can deal with those episodes over the years, I have suddenly lost site to the fact: is her diagnosis causing her to be this way (see below) or is this a character flaw - in which the divorce is justified. Here are some issues around the home and her feelings on the issue.

SHE FEELS SHE IS A SLAVE, HOUSE MAID, COOK, SEX OBJECT AND LAUNDRY GIRL.
In reply to her I told her to leave (this was after a few years of hearing this)
1
She no longer cooks much - yet I NEVER complain that she doesn't. I either cook for both of us, or ask if she is hungry, and if not, I get something myself
She rarely does laundry anymore, and if she does, just pulls it from the dryer and dumps it where ever. Again, I never complain about this - I either wait, or if I run out of something I need, I do it myself, along with her's.*
She only cleans the kitchen and the bathroom, and everythng else, including those two, are at her leisure. AGAIN, I do not voice a complaint.
Intimacy is few and far between, ranging from about 8 - 15x a year. I attribute most of this due to her medication - and for the most part I get by, but I am human and aside from just the intimate side, it does separate us from room mates

Her requirement - none are negotiable

Expensive cigarettes - we're talking $9 - $10pk imports
Redbull daily (in excess of $200+ month!!)
High dollar coffee which she drinks 2 or 3x daily (yup in conjunction with her redbull and coffee) - several times she has taken the "less expensive coffee FOLGERS for example and returned it to the store
This list is endless. NO I do not get to spend much on myself, if I did, we would have zero money!!!

This list is not exhaustive. But as you can see, I am pretty passive for the most part. A close friend of mine said that I am enabling her. But she is an adult and knows right from wrong - so I do not buy it. I work part time as a care taker in condo's I live, so for the most part it is pretty smooth, and laid back. I get paid once a month.. but since that amount is not sufficient to carry her "high maint" i always work a 2nd retail job.

But lately, EVEN I have limits - and the gloves came off. I decided to take their advise and put my foot down. When that happened, all hell broke loose (she has a violent temper) - it is like all she wants to do, is her thing all day. then suddenly I am the oppressor.
So I filled for a divorce.
It was obvious we are not a match - we dot share political view points, religion, and she feels that I should support her since we are married and that everything owned is 50/50. 

Why do I want a wife that doesn't do anything - not even get a job? She has become a squatter (even where we live, I have found her int he MENS room smoking because its too cold out, and the mens rooms has a window, not the woman's, and I don't allow smoking inside our place - that's just one example of OTHER things she does). It's like she is a homeless person fighting for her right to stay here - free room and board with internet. Free smokes and coffees as well as other amenities. If i speak out why she is not doing anything here - suddenly I am a slave driver. I don't get it. 

I wish this wasn't so long, but I do not know how to express this - is she correct? am I really this bad husband? or is she the bad wife? Is the divorce due?


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

No, you are not a bad husband.

Yes, you have enabled her behavior by buying those things that she demands.

Yes, a divorce seems to be the right solution here.

As far as the "slave" references, that's a little dramatic. She was and is always capable of setting herself "free" if she felt that she was being trapped and used. Some spouses use that as an excuse and/or cover for not taking responsibility for their own lot in life. It's a blame-shifting, "Victim" mentality.

Once divorced, both of you will be free to decide for yourselves what to do with your life in the future. It appears that you are more prepared for the single life as far as being self supporting and productive. She will have to learn how to take care of herself without you. That's her problem. But at least she will be "free" from being your "slave", right?


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Bud,

That entire list is full of wants, not needs.

I'm going to quit my job and have some non negotiable requirements too!

1. No cooking or cleaning.
2. Steak and lobster every night.
3. Import beer only. 20 dollars a bottle
4. I get to keep my SUV and my SO will make the payments.

"If you don't like it, leave!"

See?... Sounds stupid when I say it.


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## CainJ (May 6, 2014)

survivorwife said:


> No, you are not a bad husband.
> 
> Yes, you have enabled her behavior by buying those things that she demands.
> 
> ...


O thank you.. that was the wording.. I was looking for. I live in MN, and thankfully it's a no fault state. And we have no kids or property to speak of.

Our latest, last few years has been a bathroom issue - she is in there 3-7hrs at a time only coming out for a nap, smoke walk, church or to ask me for something.. then if i even knock on the door let alone ask when she will be out - again, all hell breaks loose.

So my other question would be - do you think this could also be part of her mental disorder - or would this exist without that in the picture?

and yes - I have told her many times to leave if she feels that way. I do not want a wife that feels oppressed as that is no my idea of a marriage. but she wont leave, she just complains. I have even told her I'll take her where she wants to go.


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## CainJ (May 6, 2014)

alphaomega said:


> Bud,
> 
> That entire list is full of wants, not needs.
> 
> ...


she has no responsibility, and worse - there are no consequences to her actions when she tells people she will do something for them and then does not. If she misses church, no biggy, will go later or another day, same with any type of project. But if you corner her on an issue, she will play the "slave" card and ".. you don't tell me what to do - your not my _____ fill in the blank - dad, boss, judge etc.." its really an awful conversation we have.

I think survivorwife nailed it - it's a cards she plays to escape responsibility.


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## CainJ (May 6, 2014)

any tricks to getting her served? that's the final step. Most pro's will only try a few times. She cant drive (lost her license, 6 accidents one year - so ya, I cant get any decent insurance as long as im married to her - but thats my fault too <smirk>)
I basically have a homeless woman fighting NOT to get the divorce simply because she has no home, no job, no money (yes I feel bad, and that causes me to drag my fee - yes I am a little co-dependant - prob how I got "targeted" by this woman). So even if officer shows up with the papers, she'll either run and hide or refuse them..


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

CainJ said:


> But if you corner her on an issue, she will play the "slave" card and ".. you don't tell me what to do - your not my _____ fill in the blank - dad, boss, judge etc.." its really an awful conversation we have.


 And your reply should be, "I'm not your banker or your slave either but if you feel that you need champagne on beer money then get off your lazy ass and go get a job.

Your problem is that you let this get to a point where you created a monster and the monster is feeding on your wallet and your soul. 

I honestly don't see how you stop her since you didn't install a off button when you built your creation.

If it was me, if you filed, then have it served before you get so deep in this that you'll never find your way out.

If she gets violent on you, call the cops and let them deal with her. Maybe that will wake her ass up but friend you have to stop this now.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Btw... Pick up a Voice Activated Recorder, and keep it on you. Do this BEFORE she gets served. 

And you had a significant role in your current situation. Figure out your side of the mess before the next relationship, or be prepared for it to happen all over again. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

CainJ said:


> O thank you.. that was the wording.. I was looking for. I live in MN, and thankfully it's a no fault state. And we have no kids or property to speak of.
> 
> Our latest, last few years has been a bathroom issue - she is in there 3-7hrs at a time only coming out for a nap, smoke walk, church or to ask me for something.. then if i even knock on the door let alone ask when she will be out - again, all hell breaks loose.
> 
> ...


The Bathroom Issue - How do you know how long she spends in the bathroom? Is it because you are home at those times? If so, perhaps it's the only room in the house where she has "privacy" and uses the location to avoid you and/or avoid a confrontation? Surely she is not actually using the facilities for that long, right? Whether it's a mental issue or not, when you divorce her, it won't matter. It will then be her issue to deal with.

As for servicing her with the papers - surely you can get someone who knows her routine. There is no such thing as "refusing" the papers, once served. The process server has to identify her and hand her the papers. What she does with them after that is her problem. So why is that process so difficult?


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## CainJ (May 6, 2014)

6301 said:


> And your reply should be, "I'm not your banker or your slave either but if you feel that you need champagne on beer money then get off your lazy ass and go get a job.


I used that line a MILLION times LOL



6301 said:


> Your problem is that you let this get to a point where you created a monster and the monster is feeding on your wallet and your soul.


This I know.. thus I filed.



6301 said:


> I honestly don't see how you stop her since you didn't install a off button when you built your creation.
> 
> If it was me, if you filed, then have it served before you get so deep in this that you'll never find your way out.


You are correct - I can't. It IS too far. She plays on my compassion - it is times like this i wish I WAS *d**K, but I don't have that in me. Thus she is my punishment - so to speak

My compassion side is she is homeless, no food, money or transportation, not to mention, am I in violation of my vows? (better or worse, (mental)sickness and health, richer or poorer - where is the line drawn) and yes, I have created a monster that feeds on me - while under the guise of being a good husband and provider - and I was blind sided.


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## CainJ (May 6, 2014)

PBear said:


> Btw... Pick up a Voice Activated Recorder, and keep it on you. Do this BEFORE she gets served.
> 
> And you had a significant role in your current situation. Figure out your side of the mess before the next relationship, or be prepared for it to happen all over again.
> 
> ...


Already have 5yrs logged both on daily blogs (private) and many recordings of her violent outbreaks, but in MN they are not needed unless she contest it, and w/o a lawyer/ money, not likely. as she can anything she wants, as long as she is gone.


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## CainJ (May 6, 2014)

survivorwife said:


> The Bathroom Issue - How do you know how long she spends in the bathroom? Is it because you are home at those times? If so, perhaps it's the only room in the house where she has "privacy" and uses the location to avoid you and/or avoid a confrontation? Surely she is not actually using the facilities for that long, right? Whether it's a mental issue or not, when you divorce her, it won't matter. It will then be her issue to deal with.


True -and that is the excuse she uses most the time. But I only use it 15min shower and after that, I use the the one in the lobby if need be or while I am at work. I know these times, because I work in the building on call, so my office IS IN the apartment where we live. I already caved on that issue - however, since she needs that much privacy and independence, marriage is not for her. I do not think this bathroom issue is a common thing in many relationships of 2 people with 1 bathroom - is it?



survivorwife said:


> As for servicing her with the papers - surely you can get someone who knows her routine. There is no such thing as "refusing" the papers, once served. The process server has to identify her and hand her the papers. What she does with them after that is her problem. So why is that process so difficult?


Everything is difficult if you have never done it before. I actually file everything by myself to avoid all the cost. everything was done spot on so far (actually proud of my self - wasn't that bad).. Many of my friends who at first stated they would LOVE TO SERVE HER, have now back down.. as they do not want to become involved - fair enough. Land lord (also my boss) knows the situation very well, yet same thing. Sherriff was another $100 to do it, and I don't know what a processor wants. When your stripped of cash - even $20 seems like a lot.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

It's called an adolescent in a grown woman's body.

a BRAT...

She is not entitled to you footing her expensive habits...

I have expensive habits... do you know what I do... work my ass off... I work full time, raise my child, also put myself through college while working full time as well as invested in real estate to increase my income and equity, while studying horsemanship, serving and singing at my church and sexing my hubby frequently. Now... with that long list, I don't feel "too" bad with him picking up some of the cooking, but you my dear have a violent brat on your hands and unless you are prepared to demand a change to the violence while you tell the brat to pull her weight, then I would exit the premises.

Best of everything to you....


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## CainJ (May 6, 2014)

anyways.. you guys are great have have confirmed that I am on the right track with this.. the only issue is I do not know why i keep draggin my feet - or maybe I do know. I know it will be painful for her and that is an issue I have to deal with. As it is the same issue that got me into this in the first place.
I know she is only nice most the time to not make waves and serve her, because she can only hold that facade for so long, then she resorts back to her selfish personality. I may wander around here and see if there is a section on coping with this so I can drive the final stake in this. I know it needs to be wrapped up - but Its like there is a wall every time i get in the car to go to the sheriffs offices - what is that wall!. its annoying.

but thanks again...


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## CainJ (May 6, 2014)

Blossom Leigh said:


> It's called an adolescent in a grown woman's body.
> 
> a BRAT...
> 
> ...


Now when I told her (almost verbatim) that very thing about peple who don't work, or want these things - you are right - she pulls the TEMPER TANTRUM (complete with gritting teeth and a firm fisted arms at her side yuppers ), with the classic 
".. I have as much right to that money as you do, we're MARRIED" (keep in mind i work 2 part time jobs because i need the extra income due to her). I tried shutting her off, but that only brought about daily fights about how im "controling" the money, and denying her "things" and "mr. tough guy since you have all the money" and all the rest - use your favorite school yard girly fight - and after awhile to get peace, you just have to give in.


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## CainJ (May 6, 2014)

I have a side question to this - would her behavior be considered mental abuse - or just that im stuck with an immature brat?


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

If you're done, then you're done. Don't engage. Open a new account with only your name on it. Deposit your paychecks into that account. If she says anything, don't respond. No need to talk at all. Just walk away.

As for being served, I believe that you can serve her yourself. Just hand her the envelope. 

And please don't play the abused card. Be a man and just end it.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

"after awhile to get peace, you just have to give in".

No, you don't. Simply turn around and walk away.  You could even lock yourself in the bathroom for 3-7 hours and let her use the lobby potty.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

CainJ said:


> My compassion side is she is homeless, no food, money or transportation, not to mention, am I in violation of my vows? (better or worse, (mental)sickness and health, richer or poorer - where is the line drawn) and yes, I have created a monster that feeds on me - while under the guise of being a good husband and provider - and I was blind sided.


You need to get past all that. Seriously. She is not an "entitled" child. She is a grown woman. Did she not also take vows?

I would suggest that you look up a concept called "tough love". That is to say, even with children, they must learn consequences to their action (or inaction). While you have been a provider, she has taken and taken and taken. What has she contributed to the marriage? Again. She is a grown woman.

Does she have family or friends that can help her, instead of you? You see, there are options available, even if she has to go on public assistance. You need not carry her indefinitely, but you do need to pull the plug for your own sanity. Better now than later.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

CainJ said:


> I have a side question to this - would her behavior be considered mental abuse - or just that im stuck with an immature brat?



Immature brat is her emotional state

Abuse are her tactics she uses to maintain that state... see website "out of the fog" for definitions of abusive tactics. 

because she puts out serious effort to control you mentally and emotionally for her to maintain her selfish ways, yes... it falls into mental and emotional abuse because the tactics by which she gets there are quite abusive. Blame shifting, gas lighting, etc.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Which means you have EVERY right to say " I will no longer tolerate your unacceptable behavior"... then define said behavior for her... Tell her you EXPECT her to choose better and if she refuses, she is choosing to risk losing you.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

What kind of internet device does she have with her when she's locked in the bathroom?


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## CainJ (May 6, 2014)

UPDATE.
I have file for divorce. All said and done. Need some advice here.
The divorce part (or w/e it is called) is paid for.
I have yet to get her served. The processor and/or the sherriff want a large some to do so, and they will only attempt 3 times. She (obviously) is not only avoiding it, but doesnt want it - but doesnt have the money to stop it.

That leaves either by certified mail or newspaper. I am running out of time(if there is a limit). While we sometimes get a long, things are just never gonna work out - (read above)

State: Minnesota


If I fail to get her served, will it still default as a divorce? 
If not what happens? 
Will I have to pay for the divorce again?

What is the exact procedure for the newspaper method (example would be nice)
What is the procedure for certified mail. Just a CYA question so I don't mess it up.

Yes I am dragging my feet.she is playing super wife now, and I know the reason, but im just not the typical a$$hole/d**khead I would like to be. So no - "...you need to bla bla bla"
Nothing is more punishing than self punishment. I (think) I know the consequences - and doing this solo - is hard enough - thats what you guys are for - non-biased-support-strangers 
:smthumbup:

So keep the advice coming - What I have done so far was challenging enough, w/o her begging not to. (I understand she will have no home or money etc... )

Thanks


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