# Leaving the only thing you know



## Rare (May 19, 2013)

I'm sorry if my thread is long and a bit chaotic. I have never turned to online help before and I hope I can get some advice.

Me and my husband have been together a total of 7 years, married for 4. We met when I was 16, now I'm 22 (no children). Most of my development as an adult has been around him, thus I'm very confused about my life.

He has always been very handsome, smart, outgoing and open-minded. Those things attracted me to him and they still do. But I think the dark side of these qualities is narcissism, need to be in control and a manipulative nature. I have told him all this, and he denies it. He says he's surprized how little I know about him for being together almost a decade. He says my low self-esteem distorts my view on our relationship and sometimes I question my feelings, because I do have self-esteem issues. I fear failure and I dread being controlled. Those are the buttons he pushes most often - critisizing me, being dissapointed by my failures and often subtly trying to make me do everything the right (his) way.

For the first 4 years I thought our relationship was normal, because I had no other example. But then I met my best friend, and when I saw how her boyfriend was treating her, I was stunned, envious, confused, because she had none of the problems I did. Then I began questioning my husband's behavior, reading about psychological abuse and, generally, geting a bit paranoid.

My partner is not a bad man. He's faithful, has solid morals and sometimes does very kind things for me. I may sound greedy, but they are not enough, YET they anchor me to him. If I had to find a metaphor for this, I'd say it's like hitting yourself with a hammer, only to experience how good it feels when you stop.

I am worried about who I am. Sometimes he subtly/jokingly wants to take credit for my development as an adult. Since I've been with him for so long, it is believable from time to time. The worst thing is for the most part I don't like the person who I am when with him. I am anxious, snappy, sometimes even hostile and my guard is always up. I have lost all desire to be nice, make him feel special, etc. And he complains about it, saying I don't treat him right.


*In short: I feel we're not right for eachother. I want to leave, but I am scared that my judgement is wrong, that I blame my problems on him. He is all I have ever known - all my memories and sentiments, and that seems hard to leave behind.*

Any advice would be much appreciated.


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## Alpha (Feb 18, 2013)

How old is he?
What is your education level?
Are you working?
Do you have friends? A social circle?
Does he go out without you, or not let you join when he is with friends?


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## youngidiot (Jan 8, 2013)

Rare. I'm not a therapists by no means but do understand what you are going through. I'm currently in same situation but fast forward a few yrs ahead. I met my girlfriend when she was 17 and we'd been together 10 yrs , so she's all I've ever known. We were engaged for a year but are currently in the process of splitting up. I had same concerns you do so let me tell you these feelings will only fester and eat away at you. We also had various other problems that you can read through my posts if you want but that's besides the point. My breaking point came awhile after being engaged when you realize this Is forever. Either way I too wanted more from life but was scared of moving on cuz this is all I've ever known. It hurts like crazy at first like withdrawing from drugs but it gets better every day. Just know that you're not first or last person to feel this way and there's many others going through same thing. Just thank your lucky stars ur not married married yet or kids are involved. Good luck!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Rare (May 19, 2013)

Alpha said:


> How old is he?
> What is your education level?
> Are you working?
> Do you have friends? A social circle?
> Does he go out without you, or not let you join when he is with friends?


He's 26.
We both have a bachelor's degree and we both have a full time job.
I have friends and I socialize, he does too.
We go out sometimes, and we go out with our respective friends. It has happened that I join his friends and it has always been well, sometimes even better than when we're together. I don't feel pressured because his attention is elsewhere.


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## Rare (May 19, 2013)

youngidiot said:


> Rare. I'm not a therapists by no means but do understand what you are going through. I'm currently in same situation but fast forward a few yrs ahead. I met my girlfriend when she was 17 and we'd been together 10 yrs , so she's all I've ever known. We were engaged for a year but are currently in the process of splitting up. I had same concerns you do so let me tell you these feelings will only fester and eat away at you. We also had various other problems that you can read through my posts if you want but that's besides the point. My breaking point came awhile after being engaged when you realize this Is forever. Either way I too wanted more from life but was scared of moving on cuz this is all I've ever known. It hurts like crazy at first like withdrawing from drugs but it gets better every day. Just know that you're not first or last person to feel this way and there's many others going through same thing. Just thank your lucky stars ur not married married yet or kids are involved. Good luck!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thank you for the very kind words, it makes me feel better knowing someone got over this  Yes, I have tried imagining marriage and I can't say I look forward to such a companionship. I hope things get back on track with you quickly and that you meet the right person!


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