# New to this forum - my story happened almost two months ago



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

I'm new to all this so if everyone would be patient with me as I learn I would appreciate it.

Right after new years my husband of almost 25 years decided to leave. No warning, we had just gone through christmas and everything was fine. He called me on his way home and asked me to meet him in the car, that he had something to tell me. At that point I got a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. After 25 years we went through alot of crisis and never has he wanted to discuss it outside the house. Sure enough I went out to the car and he told me he was leaving. He loved me but wasn't happy and had not been happy in a while. I suggested we were at a point where we both needed to work on things and we could go to MC. He said no, he found someone else and it had been going on for a while. I could have the house and I wouldn't have to go back to work for a while, he would give me money to pay the bills. I wanted to know who it was but he refused to say and wanted to know how I wanted to tell the kids (D-23 S-20 S-15 all living at home). He said he we would talk in a few days when things calmed down. I kept asking who it was and if I knew the OW but he wouldn't answer the question so he shuts the car off and comes into the house. Just as he was about to speak I yelled out "your father is leaving, he is not happy with me, he found someone else" I know I could have handled that better but I was so furious and hurt at that point I didn't know what else to do, I really felt like throwing something at him instead.
He then went into the bedroom to grab his things at which point I followed him and warned him he would end up loosing his kids over this and he replied no he wouldn't, they would understand. He then tried to get out of the house as soon as possible.

We didn't hear from him again until the weekend when my daughter texed him to see when the paycheck would come since he obviously stopped the automatic deposit. They made arrangements to meet so he could give them the money and they could bring some more of his stuff to him. He made sure to tell them that he didn't abandon them. 

He then met with them a week later and started to ask them if they would come over to "the house" and he would cook them sunday dinner. The kids were hesitant since we still had no idea what his living arrangements were or even where he was living.

Three weeks later I still had not heard from him so I thought it was time for me to send an e mail laying out my side of the story because in hindsight I knew he had to be demonizing me to himself and the OW in order to feel better about himself. He called when he read the email and asked to see the dog and why didn't the kids want to go to his house. I told him we don't know his situation. Thats when he told me he was living with her and he thought he told me that. That is when I told him that was why the kids were putting him off. They don't want to meet this person! Not to mention he never shared that piece of information with me so thanks for once again blindsiding me. Since he was at work and really couldnt speak I was able to get everything off my chest. (I must say I did feel a sense of relief). He said we could meet and discuss everything (I'm almost at 2 months now and still nothing). Next time he met with the kids he confirmed with them what I had said about going to his house. Hopefully, he continues to respect thier wishes.

I have had no contact with him except for one situation I handled wrong & one where he was waiting for me when I picked up my son so he could visit with the dog. During that "visit" I kept converstaion to a minimum. It was more him telling me about what was going on with him - he had to go away on business for a week, he was feeling like he was getting sick. The first time I saw him - a month after he moved out-the kids were supposed to see him on a saturday and my youngest woke up with the flu. I texed him (it took 3 hours for him to get back to me) to let him know the youngest wouldn't be joining them and it led into him wanting to take him to the doctor, which I didn't want. I finally let him take him but kicked myself that I just didn't handle it myself. I feel I handled the second "run in" better.

So that is where I'm at now. I really have no contact with him, which is fine. He texts the kids daily and sees them on the weekend for a little while.

In the beginning I was a mess. I probably still am but I'm handling it a little better. I haven't worked in 25 years. I was a stay at home mom. I panicked. I have no college education. I was married at 20 and was a mom at 21. We grew up together, he was two years older than me. I felt like someone who I was supposed to be able to trust after all this time completly blindsided me. Heck we were sleeping in the same bed the day he left. We were still making future plans into december. I had just said to him I was going to look into trying to get a part time job in the new year to help with bills. He just started a new job and commissions would not be kicking in for a while. He said no I didn't have to because the new job would free up his weekends and he could do some home improvement jobs on the side. He has no family except us. His parents are gone, he has no siblings and he really has no relationship with aunts, uncles & cousins. He forever looked down on people who left their families for someone else. This made absoultly no sense to me. 

My kids, family and friends have been my rock. (although sometimes I think some of them would like me to get back to normal) and I am trying. Some days are better than others. I had just gone through a stretch of good days and two days ago I started having bad days again. Anxiety, breaking out in tears, being afraid of the future.

I found this forum from my many hours of searching on the internet for some answers to all my questions. I saw that there are great, supportive, understanding people here and right now I really need people who have been through what I've been through. I have friends who are divorced (heck I'm a child of divorce) and they have been great but all of them say the same thing, they were never cheated on and abandoned. So I am hoping that some of you could share some strength and wisdom with me to get me through this uncharted territory in my life.
Thanks


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## Ostera (Nov 1, 2012)

Sory that you are here. I am sure there are many here that can give you some advise. I believe they would be able to help you better if you gave more background on the past seveal years regarding how your marriage was in your opinion.. and what you can see in hind sight that may have been wrong.

There must have been indicators that something wasn't right. Were you intimate still? Did you each just take the relationship for granted?


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

We were still intimate up until a week before he left. Hindsight is a wonderful thing and if I think back now, yeah there were probably some things that were "off" but nothing out of the ordinary. I guess we were at that point that things were changing. The kids were growing up (something I don't think he liked - I had to keep reminding him that the two older ones were adults and could make their own decisons). I was starting to wonder what my place would be now that I wasn't needed as much by the kids. I knew he needed me but when I would try to be supportive I was told his mother was dead he didn't need another. We had financial problems and I did keep a close eye on spending, which he did not appreciate. He would say I was cheap. Like I said I think we were in transition but I always thought we would do it together.


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## Sudden404 (Feb 26, 2013)

What a f*cking coward.


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## totamm (May 1, 2012)

You need to file for a temporary separation agreement as well as spousal and child support.

Try to keep the kids out of it, it's not their fight.


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## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

Small it hard to believe but it does get better with time. You are best keep doing what you are doing right now, minimum contact (only about the kids) and focus on yourself.

Good Luck many of us have been where you are now and understand.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Thanks. Spoke to my youngest sons' teachers and they said hes doing well and his grades are good. They said when he comes into class hes back to having a smile on his face. Its nice to get good news for a change.


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## I got this (Feb 25, 2013)

I dont have any sad stories about my happy marriage or a helpful perspective since I have not been thru anything awful but I would like to say to you that I admire they way you have handled things including yelling to the kids that he was leaving because it exposes his lies to them immediately which is a cornerstone of blowing up affairs and letting him take your son to the docs. 

I dont think either of those moves was out of line and you should not be upset with yourself. I can not recall and behavior of yours that was out of line so please stop beating yourself up. 

You seem a lot stronger and more graceful than you give yourself credit for and I admire that. 

Keep your chin up and take care of yourself. Many others here will be more helpful to you with similar circumtances to your own but I wanted to let you know I admire your behavior and the wonderful reltionship you have with your children. 

Take one day at a time. With your wonderful spirit, values and support from your children, will find happiness again.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Thank you I hope your right. I know it is too soon but I hope to find someone someday that I can trust and sharec the second half of my life with.


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

smallsteps said:


> Thank you I hope your right. I know it is too soon but I hope to find someone someday that I can trust and sharec the second half of my life with.


Smallsteps As my Grandmother use to say

"The best thing God ever made was another day"


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

just got it 55 said:


> Smallsteps As my Grandmother use to say
> 
> "The best thing God ever made was another day"


Thanks. It's been quite a while since I posted this. I've come a long way since I wrote this but it's still one day at a time for me.


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