# What was it like to find out that others knew that you were being cheated on before you did ?



## Bebkiboo72 (Sep 11, 2018)

Has anyone ever been in this situation?


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## Parallax857 (May 15, 2012)

Yes, many years ago my first wife was having an affair. After I found out, my sister told me that our mother had said she thought my wife was being unfaithful. 

The whole thing was devastating. For most people, affairs are tough to handle. The fact that others saw it and I didn't didn't make it that much worse because it couldn't really get worse. Looking back, however, I'm glad it happened. I would have hung in with that marriage for God knows how long. It needed to end and she ended it. With perfect hindsight, I'm grateful.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

I've never really been in that situation, but personally, anyone who knew and didn't tell me would be cut out of my life. It was bad enough having my wife and her AP's sneaking around behind my back but to have family know and do nothing about it? Heck no. That makes the betrayal (and embarrassment) even worse.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Bebkiboo72 said:


> Has anyone ever been in this situation?


What‘s your story?


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

See, unfortunately it depends on the situation. Some people could handle the news, and not take it out on you or think you're lying. Others that were told, in my experience cannot handle it, and have ended the friendship with me as a result. So...not sure 🤷‍♀️


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

If it's a woman who's cheating and she has a close friend or two, they will often know she's cheating because she'll tell them about it. Their loyalty isn't with the husband anyway, so it's unlikely they'll tell, and they may know quite a bit about why she's cheating if the wife has told them that the husband isn't doing them right some way. They won't care if the husband never speaks to them again because they're not the husband's friend.

If men have any friends they tell them too.


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## Parallax857 (May 15, 2012)

bobert said:


> I've never really been in that situation, but personally, anyone who knew and didn't tell me would be cut out of my life. It was bad enough having my wife and her AP's sneaking around behind my back but to have family know and do nothing about it? Heck no. That makes the betrayal (and embarrassment) even worse.


That's harsh. I didn't blame my mom at all for staying out of it. Would not have appreciated her sticking her nose in at that point. Later on, when we went through the divorce, my parents were super supportive. My mom and dad were a huge support through the years when I was a single parent after the ex took off with another guy, leaving me to raise our two devastated young children. Both my parents deserve a medal. Dad is still alive. Mom hopefully has a special place in heaven.


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## Parallax857 (May 15, 2012)

DownByTheRiver said:


> If it's a woman who's cheating and she has a close friend or two, they will often know she's cheating because she'll tell them about it. Their loyalty isn't with the husband anyway, so it's unlikely they'll tell, and they may know quite a bit about why she's cheating if the wife has told them that the husband isn't doing them right some way. They won't care if the husband never speaks to them again because they're not the husband's friend.
> 
> If men have any friends they tell them too.


I had a friend who cheated on his wife. Thank God he didn't tell me. Over the years I became friends with his wife too. Had I known, it would have put me in an impossible position. He later told me that he hadn't let me in on it because he knew I'd tell her. He said it with resentment, as if I had failed him in some way. That was my first clue that his values and mine were not aligned. 

The wife continued to be my friend long after my friendship with the husband had receded. At this point I'd say she's my oldest and dearest friend. We've known each other for 30 years. It's never been anything but platonic. I'm married for the last ten years. She has become friends with my wife. Thanks God no affairs on the horizon. I wouldn't do it and I'm confident my wife wouldn't either. She's about the most honest person I've ever known. The kind who would drive back to the supermarket if she discovered the clerk gave her 15 cents too much change. What a blessing to be married to a woman like that.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

This isn’t really answering the question of, “how did you feel..” but as just a reality check, almost all affairs and especially WWs have supporters, cheerleaders and coconspirators. 

Almost every WW has someone saying, “you go girl!” And many even have enablers that help set up the meetings and help cover tracks. 

Many WHs also have some fellow members of the Good Ol’ Boys Club that at least give a wink and a nod to it.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Parallax857 said:


> That's harsh. I didn't blame my mom at all for staying out of it. Would not have appreciated her sticking her nose in at that point. Later on, when we went through the divorce, my parents were super supportive. My mom and dad were a huge support through the years when I was a single parent after the ex took off with another guy, leaving me to raise our two devastated young children. Both my parents deserve a medal. Dad is still alive. Mom hopefully has a special place in heaven.


It's your mom... Of all the people in the world you should be able to count on your parents. Instead they were more loyal to your cheating spouse, regardless if that was their intention or not. 

If my mom did that, she'd be cut out. Maybe that's harsh, but so is knowing your child is being betrayed, and doing nothing. Knowing your grandchildrens family is being destroyed, and doing nothing. Knowing you're betraying your child, and clearly not caring very much. Knowing your child could end up raising an AP's child, and doing nothing - when would they speak up? Knowing your child is at a huge risk of getting an STD or HIV, and again, doing _nothing. _Parent of the year right there.


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## Parallax857 (May 15, 2012)

bobert said:


> It's your mom... Of all the people in the world you should be able to count on your parents. Instead they were more loyal to your cheating spouse, regardless if that was their intention or not.
> 
> If my mom did that, she'd be cut out. Maybe that's harsh, but so is knowing your child is being betrayed, and doing nothing. Knowing your grandchildrens family is being destroyed, and doing nothing. Knowing you're betraying your child, and clearly not caring very much. Knowing your child could end up raising an AP's child, and doing nothing - when would they speak up? Knowing your child is at a huge risk of getting an STD or HIV, and again, doing _nothing. _Parent of the year right there.


I'm not sure there's a way my mom could have brought this to my attention without having stepped in it big time. I don't see it as her place to tell me and, if she did, she'd have had to be super careful. I think it would have been worse if I found out that way. I had to find out the way that I did. 

Now it's fair to add that my mom hadn't seen anything. She felt it. I think she knew but it was based on the subtle sort of ques that women give off and other women pick up. Most guys don't send or receive those sorts of signals. Had she known for sure, perhaps she would have told me. But to bring it to my attention without hard proof would have been foolish. I doubt I would have believed her. I needed to find out the hard way. And she was very much there to help pick up the pieces. My dad too. I'm super grateful.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I don't know anyone who actually wants a friend of theirs to cheat on a spouse, personally. It's usually frowned upon, even by the close friends, but they still know enough that they may have limited empathy for the betrayed spouse.

A senior friend of mine had a husband of 30 years who became incapacitated from cancer several years ago, homebound, bedbound most of the time. She is a gregarious person who also is narcissistic and bipolar, and I knew she had trouble resisting urges even before he was so ill. She is hypersexual as well, probably especially during bipolar episodes. He is a good husband and a saint to have put up with her all those years. I really hated it when she started confiding in me the crap she was doing and eventually dropped her over it. I told her I didn't want to hear about her cheating on her husband with cancer. I mean, at least an older person not in their 20s anymore ought to be able to weather something like that. I know she loved him. They were great friends as well as spouses. But she just couldn't not have what she wanted for long and she was always hungry for a huge amount of attention. If she wasn't the center of attention in a room, even in her 20s she got crabby. 

So for decades I gently tried to guide her and remind her what a gem she had in her husband, but after many years of him being just incapacitated, she just couldn't deal with it anymore, but my conscious wouldn't let me just stand by and listen to it anymore either. I wouldn't have ever told him because he didn't need one more thing to deal with and he was unable to deal with it anyway. 

So no, not all friends of cheaters approve of what they're doing. I had another old friend who was the leapfrog type, always replace before leaving the other boyfriend. I never liked that and in fact ended up breaking with her over something pointed my direction, and forever.

Bottom line, what I've observed is a lot of people want to point the blame at someone other than the cheater. Like if it weren't for friends egging them on, it wouldn't have happened to their otherwise innocent upright bf or gf. Honestly, I've not seen women egging other women on to cheat. Divorce or break up, yes, but not cheat. I've seen men pressuring guys to cheat though, when they're all tying one on.


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## Nailhead (Sep 21, 2020)

Bebkiboo72 said:


> Has anyone ever been in this situation?


I was on the other side of it. My BIL joined the military. While at boot camp getting his butt kicked for 6 weeks his GF was out and about with OM. I witnessed his GF getting dropped off at work. I figured the guy in the truck she was in was a brother. Well, no one kisses their brother like she did and then head into her job!!!! I kept quiet until he came home. I then dropped the dime. I did not want my BIL distracted while in boot camp.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I don't know anyone who actually wants a friend of theirs to cheat on a spouse, personally. It's usually frowned upon, even by the close friends, but they still know enough that they may have limited empathy for the betrayed spouse.
> 
> A senior friend of mine had a husband of 30 years who became incapacitated from cancer several years ago, homebound, bedbound most of the time. She is a gregarious person who also is narcissistic and bipolar, and I knew she had trouble resisting urges even before he was so ill. She is hypersexual as well, probably especially during bipolar episodes. He is a good husband and a saint to have put up with her all those years. I really hated it when she started confiding in me the crap she was doing and eventually dropped her over it. I told her I didn't want to hear about her cheating on her husband with cancer. I mean, at least an older person not in their 20s anymore ought to be able to weather something like that. I know she loved him. They were great friends as well as spouses. But she just couldn't not have what she wanted for long and she was always hungry for a huge amount of attention. If she wasn't the center of attention in a room, even in her 20s she got crabby.
> 
> ...


It’s not a matter of blameshifting, it’s simply a reality. 

In the case you mentioned above, you may have frowned upon it in your own way, but I can almost assure you there was someone else egging her on telling her she deserved to have it all and that she shouldn’t settle. 

I have mentioned here before that I was with a number of married and cohabiting women in my mid-upper 20s.

Every last one of them had supports and cheerleaders and several of them had someone approach me and inform me of her interest and telling ME to go for it. 

Even since then, when you read the stories here, at some place in the chain of events, there is someone in the cheering section cheering them on and even assisting in making it happen. 

Of course it’s probably not 100% as nothing ever is. But I believe it is enough to be considered the standard and not the exception.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

That's low.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

oldshirt said:


> It’s not a matter of blameshifting, it’s simply a reality.
> 
> "In the case you mentioned above, you may have frowned upon it in your own way, but I can almost assure you there was someone else egging her on telling her she deserved to have it all and that she shouldn’t settle."
> 
> ...


Expand to read my answers.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

People who are anxious to blame others for them getting cheated on or broken up with are feebly trying to find a way to justify holding on to the cheater or person who doesn't want them anymore. No one assisted the cheater in pulling their pants off and having sex with someone else.

Also, if it's a pattern with you that her friends are always urging her to leave you, it's YOU.


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## Parallax857 (May 15, 2012)

oldshirt said:


> It’s not a matter of blameshifting, it’s simply a reality.
> 
> In the case you mentioned above, you may have frowned upon it in your own way, but I can almost assure you there was someone else egging her on telling her she deserved to have it all and that she shouldn’t settle.
> 
> ...


Are you saying you were cheating with married women? If so, you're hardly one to call others out for egging on or encouraging cheating. 

I once had the experience of a married woman making clear that she wanted to have an affair with me. She claimed that her husband would be ok with it, that the marriage had broken down and they were accommodating each other. She said he cheated too. I told her to bring a note from her husband and then maybe we'll talk. I said that I'm guessing he would be hurt if he knew we were having this discussion and I have no reason to think he's a jerk who deserves it. She said, "He's not a jerk" and told me she respected me for my sense of honor. 

She continued to be friendly but never again suggested we have an affair. When I was young I might have slept with a married woman if I'd had the opportunity, but it would have been from ignorance, not understanding what infidelity was and how painful it is to be on the receiving end. Once I understood, there was no way I'd be complicit.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I’m not


Parallax857 said:


> Are you saying you were cheating with married women? If so, you're hardly one to call others out for egging on or encouraging cheating.
> 
> I once had the experience of a married woman making clear that she wanted to have an affair with me. She claimed that her husband would be ok with it, that the marriage had broken down and they were accommodating each other. She said he cheated too. I told her to bring a note from her husband and then maybe we'll talk. I said that I'm guessing he would be hurt if he knew we were having this discussion and I have no reason to think he's a jerk who deserves it. She said, "He's not a jerk" and told me she respected me for my sense of honor.
> 
> She continued to be friendly but never again suggested we have an affair. When I was young I might have slept with a married woman if I'd had the opportunity, but it would have been from ignorance, not understanding what infidelity was and how painful it is to be on the receiving end. Once I understood, there was no way I'd be complicit.


As I said above, I’m not calling anyone out or pointing fingers - just saying that it is a reality that people that cheat often have not only people that know about it, but actual supporters.


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## Parallax857 (May 15, 2012)

oldshirt said:


> I’m not
> 
> 
> As I said above, I’m not calling anyone out or pointing fingers - just saying that it is a reality that people that cheat often have not only people that know about it, but actual supporters.


I'd certainly agree with that. People have confidantes and boosters. Nazis had collaborators. People can justify, rationalize and support most anything.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

My answer to the original question is I wasn't surprised. My ex had a close group of friends and she used them to cover for her, she had them convinced I was a true a-hole and she should be mayrted. They supported her thru several affairs, but then turned against her when she started screwing her best friends boyfriend (the best friend who was also married).

When one of her friends told me how disgusted they all were with what she had done I had to laugh. It was OK to cheat on me and our kids, but cheating on one of the group betrayed their honor code! 

But people have short memories, it wasn't long before she back to being part of the group again. 

So my answer is I wasn't surprised that others knew of her affairs, or that they supported her before, during, and after.


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