# Love my wife but maybe just not cut out for this



## JoeSally (Feb 5, 2013)

This is tough. I've been married for five years. I love my wife. Love her. I married my best friend(we have been friends for 20 years and only started "dating" about 13 years into our friendship. Got engaged a year later and married a year after that. Some confusion at first as to whether she wanted kids. Turns out she doesn't and now happily I realized I don't want them either. This is the fourth time that I expressed my unhappiness(and posted here a coupe of those times) and this time I am taking 3 weeks out of the house to collect thoughts.

Thought A) If I want a life partner, there could not be a better one. We have the same passions in life and I love going out to concerts and movies and what not with her.

Thought B) I may just not want a partner especially since we don't have kids. Yes there are days that we are home together and I am glad she is with me but mostly, I just want to be alone and have nobody even thinking about me, where i am, what i am doing. I miss the days of comng home for the weekend and having no human contact until Monday. I'm bipolar and on meds for 13 years and marriage just may not suit my emotional swings.

Thought C)Passion in my love life is dead(at least for me). She rarely initiates sex(maybe 3-4 times a year?) and at 36 we have sex about once a week or less and while it's fine, and i enjoy it, I could also live without it. If you told me that I could sleep with a different woman each year but only have sex once a year, as opposed to the 50 times now with my wife I would choose option A. And my wife is beautiful, so I'm not talking about hotter women, just the passion of the first time is exciting and our "routine" just isn't. This thought makes me feel so shallow and I hate myself for even thinking it.

There are more thoughts but getting into too long territory. Helped to write this down. I may add more to thread throughout these couple of weeks.


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## JoeSally (Feb 5, 2013)

Oh.. and thank you in advance for any thoughts or advice. Not much to say, but if I can use this as a journal of sorts, that may help me.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

I think if you aren't invested in your marriage, don't look forward to spending time with your wife, and aren't enjoying your sex life with her, then maybe you aren't cut out for marriage, at least with her. If that's true, I strongly encourage you to end it as quickly and cleanly as possible. The only thing worse than finding out your husband really just isn't into you, is finding out after 10, 20, 30 years that he never was. It would be the height of cruelty to waste any more of her life when she could be out finding someone who really is into her in all ways. 

And for pity's sake don't go looking for a little extra fun on the side to provide that 'passion of the first time' that you're missing with her. If long-term monogamy just isn't your bag, or even if your wife just isn't "the one" for you, have the decency to give her as amicable a divorce as is possible before you pursue anyone else.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I agree with Rowan.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Work with your doctor to adjust your meds. That may take care of B and C. 

As for a different woman to sleep with once every year, many or most guys here would pick that one too versus not sleeping at all with the same woman every year.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

What have you done to spice things up in the bedroom, after a few years couples do need to do things to spice up the bedroom to combat boredom.

Have you talked to your wife about how you with the sex being the same routine? If not you should start there.

It sounds like she is a good partner outside of the hohum sex.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What does your therapist say about this? You do have one, right? If you are bipolar, you'd better.


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## LucasJackson (May 26, 2016)

Please answer this question honestly. If you were going to die tomorrow and only 1 person could sit by your side to comfort you while you pass, who would it be?

Your spouse?
Other family member (child, parent, sibling...)?
A friend?
Someone you haven't met yet?
No one?

Please think about the choices and let me know. This isn't bullsh*t. Our therapist asked me this exact question. Same choices. The answer caused me to make a life changing decision so pleas answer honestly.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

LucasJackson said:


> Please answer this question honestly. If you were going to die tomorrow and only 1 person could sit by your side to comfort you while you pass, who would it be?
> 
> Your spouse?
> Other family member (child, parent, sibling...)?
> ...




More to the point, the question needs to be "Whom would your wife choose"?


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## LucasJackson (May 26, 2016)

blueinbr said:


> More to the point, the question needs to be "Whom would your wife choose"?


That's irrelevant. The question is for you and about you. Who would _you _want?


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## JoeSally (Feb 5, 2013)

Rowan said:


> I think if you aren't invested in your marriage, don't look forward to spending time with your wife, and aren't enjoying your sex life with her, then maybe you aren't cut out for marriage, at least with her. If that's true, I strongly encourage you to end it as quickly and cleanly as possible. The only thing worse than finding out your husband really just isn't into you, is finding out after 10, 20, 30 years that he never was. It would be the height of cruelty to waste any more of her life when she could be out finding someone who really is into her in all ways.
> 
> And for pity's sake don't go looking for a little extra fun on the side to provide that 'passion of the first time' that you're missing with her. If long-term monogamy just isn't your bag, or even if your wife just isn't "the one" for you, have the decency to give her as amicable a divorce as is possible before you pursue anyone else.


Definitely would never cheat. not a chance. Only thing is, I do look forward sometimes to spending time with my wife. Just not all the time. It's more about constantly having someone else in my head to consider with every decision. I do enjoy a lot of time that I spend with her.


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## JoeSally (Feb 5, 2013)

turnera said:


> What does your therapist say about this? You do have one, right? If you are bipolar, you'd better.


nope. psycho-pharmacologist every three months for half an hour. I've tried therapy. An hour a week delving into my horrible childhood and how it is the root cause of my complete lack of self confidence is no way to spend my time.


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## JoeSally (Feb 5, 2013)

LucasJackson said:


> Please answer this question honestly. If you were going to die tomorrow and only 1 person could sit by your side to comfort you while you pass, who would it be?
> 
> Your spouse?
> Other family member (child, parent, sibling...)?
> ...


Great question.
Spouse and I don't have to think twice about it. (Although no one is a pretty good option too and would probably be second place.) Bottom line, there is no way I am getting married again. I love her and if I was going to be married to anyone, it would be her. I just don't think I am cut out for this. Marriage is work, and for what? Every small decision I make I worry about how it will affect her. After 5 years that is starting to get to me. At the same time, I think I may want to go back. Been out for a week, giving it a couple more. I don't know. Lost here


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Nothing worse than "the routine".


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

blueinbr said:


> Work with your doctor to adjust your meds. That may take care of B and C.
> 
> As for a different woman to sleep with once every year, many or most guys here would pick that one too versus not sleeping at all with the same woman every year.


While you're at it, get blood work done.
Get your cholesterol checked
Check for diabetes
And most importantly, get your testosterone levels checked


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I couldn't imagine being married to someone and not knowing if I wanted to be married to them, so it's difficult to have a point of view that you could relate to, however, I have been in jobs I did not want to be in and even though I stuck it out for a time, that urge never went away once it was there.

It sounds like you already have one foot out the door but you're too scared to step out completely, just in case something changes that might make you want to stay.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

JoeSally said:


> Great question.
> Spouse and I don't have to think twice about it. (Although no one is a pretty good option too and would probably be second place.) Bottom line, there is no way I am getting married again. I love her and if I was going to be married to anyone, it would be her. I just don't think I am cut out for this. Marriage is work, and for what?* Every small decision I make I worry about how it will affect her.*


You could try to get to the root cause of this. I live my life without my small decisions even having him enter my mind. I am going to go to the Japenese place today and get a bento box for lunch. And I am spending not one second considering how that affects him. I am going to a PTA meeting this evening without considering how it affects him. ...


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

Your thoughts are all over the place. You don't know what you want. 

Marriage is hard work. Both spouses must constantly be working on the marriage in order for it to work. You can't be selfish. You must compromise. Yes, there are plenty of days when you want to come home to an empty house so you can have some peace to yourself. 

If you're struggling so soon into the marriage, then you may just not have picked the right spouse or you just aren't cut out for marriage (nothing wrong with that). It's not fair to your spouse though if you truly don't want to be in the marriage. You both deserve to be happy.


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## KillerClown (Jul 20, 2016)

Seems like your wife is your plan B but you don't have a plan A. You want a rent-a-wife to spend time with but not put in the effort to keep her. You clearly need to be in therapy or some type of professional help for your bipolar disorder but you're not even willing to do that. You want what you want but you don't want to pay the price.

Have you told your wife how you feel? You make it sound like you have all the cards. Maybe your wife should dump you for somebody who can commit to being a real husband.


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## JoeSally (Feb 5, 2013)

KillerClown said:


> Seems like your wife is your plan B but you don't have a plan A. You want a rent-a-wife to spend time with but not put in the effort to keep her. You clearly need to be in therapy or some type of professional help for your bipolar disorder but you're not even willing to do that. You want what you want but you don't want to pay the price.
> 
> Have you told your wife how you feel? You make it sound like you have all the cards. Maybe your wife should dump you for somebody who can commit to being a real husband.


Thank you for the advice. I should note that I have told my wife almost every word that I have written here except for the part about the sex(I just can't find a way to say it without being hurtful). Every other thought I have shared with her.

Also, about the therapy, my doctor prescribing the meds agrees that therapy is not for me, and another friend of mine with a Psy D agrees that therapy is not for bipolar disorder. It's not that I don't want to pay a price, it's that I will not get anything for that price. I have tried therapy. It is not for me. (I should meditate more though)


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## JoeSally (Feb 5, 2013)

And really, thank you all for the advice.


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## dubsey (Feb 21, 2013)

JoeSally said:


> I'm bipolar and on meds for 13 years and marriage just may not suit my emotional swings.


As I was reading along, I was saying to myself "textbook depression".

I'd talk with your doc and start playing with your meds a bit and see if you can find something that works better.


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## ILoveSparkles (Oct 28, 2013)

JoeSally said:


> *Thank you for the advice. I should note that I have told my wife almost every word that I have written here except for the part about the sex(I just can't find a way to say it without being hurtful). Every other thought I have shared with her.*
> 
> Also, about the therapy, my doctor prescribing the meds agrees that therapy is not for me, and another friend of mine with a Psy D agrees that therapy is not for bipolar disorder. It's not that I don't want to pay a price, it's that I will not get anything for that price. I have tried therapy. It is not for me. (I should meditate more though)



What was your wife's response to what you've told her about these feelings?


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## KillerClown (Jul 20, 2016)

JoeSally said:


> Thank you for the advice. I should note that I have told my wife almost every word that I have written here except for the part about the sex(I just can't find a way to say it without being hurtful). Every other thought I have shared with her.
> 
> Also, about the therapy, my doctor prescribing the meds agrees that therapy is not for me, and another friend of mine with a Psy D agrees that therapy is not for bipolar disorder. It's not that I don't want to pay a price, it's that I will not get anything for that price. I have tried therapy. It is not for me. (I should meditate more though)


So what does the doctor say to do instead? Is he trying other medications? Clearly the current meds have a lot to be desired. 

So you friend says therapy is not not for you. Does he offer an alternative?

Most bipolar patients receive a combination of medication and therapy such as IPSRT. I don't think you've exhausted all possibilities.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

You aren't committed, set her free.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

Herschel said:


> You aren't committed, set her free.


I agree.

Just from your posts it sounds like you let life happen to you. You complain about your sex life but have you tried anything new? I bet your wife initiates way more often than you think. Women's initiations can be subtle, not overt like men.


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## vel (Aug 27, 2016)

Have you considered living separately? How would your wife feel about that? Some couples just need more space than is traditional. For them, autonomy and alone time is very important, but they still love and want to be in a relationship with each other. Of course your wife would need to feel the same way.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

breeze said:


> I couldn't imagine being married to someone and not knowing if I wanted to be married to them, so it's difficult to have a point of view that you could relate to, however, I have been in jobs I did not want to be in and even though I stuck it out for a time, that urge never went away once it was there.
> 
> It sounds like you already have one foot out the door but you're too scared to step out completely, just in case something changes that might make you want to stay.


^^This.

I feel so sad for your poor wife. From what you've written about her, she's a wonderful woman who doesn't deserve any of this.

If my husband left for 3 weeks (he!l, 3 days) to "sort himself out" and "think about what he wants" I'd be done. He'd have abandoned me and our marriage and that'd be it for me. He wouldn't be coming back.


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## Mithan (Sep 2, 2016)

JoeSally said:


> This is tough. I've been married for five years. I love my wife. Love her. I married my best friend(we have been friends for 20 years and only started "dating" about 13 years into our friendship. Got engaged a year later and married a year after that. Some confusion at first as to whether she wanted kids. Turns out she doesn't and now happily I realized I don't want them either. This is the fourth time that I expressed my unhappiness(and posted here a coupe of those times) and this time I am taking 3 weeks out of the house to collect thoughts.
> 
> Thought A) If I want a life partner, there could not be a better one. We have the same passions in life and I love going out to concerts and movies and what not with her.
> 
> ...



Maybe you are just depressed without knowing it, taking your passion out of your life? 

You seem like you are over whelmed.


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## Emmi (Dec 11, 2015)

You sound a lot like my husband did a year ago. He was depressed and on Wellbutrin at the time. As he cut down on his medication his feelings and interest in our marriage slowly returned. 

I think therapy is for absolutely everyone. I am diagnosed with reoccurring depressions myself, but I suspect that what I really have is a mild degree of bipolar type two. I don't take any medicine, but am a strong believer in therapy. But the trick is to find the right therapist, you can't just try one and decide that didn't work, if that one didn't work you should shop around a little. 

Definitely you and your wife should try marriage counselling, that would be the right place to find out what you want and whether you are cut out for marriage or not.

Also you can be married and still have time to yourself, just be open with your wife about what you need. Allow her to meet your needs as well by communicating with her.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

JoeSally said:


> Thank you for the advice. I should note that I have told my wife almost every word that I have written here except for the part about the sex(I just can't find a way to say it without being hurtful). Every other thought I have shared with her.
> 
> Also, about the therapy, my doctor prescribing the meds agrees that therapy is not for me, and another friend of mine with a Psy D agrees that therapy is not for bipolar disorder. It's not that I don't want to pay a price, it's that I will not get anything for that price. I have tried therapy. It is not for me. (I should meditate more though)


Not everyone with a degree in psychology is trained in or able to provide advice or treatment.

And whilst your doctor means well he is not a psychiatrist so is also not qualified to judge what treatment would work for you.

You need to be evaluated by a psychiatrist not a 'mere' MD. Or a partially qualified friend for that matter.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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