# Making Amends



## rebmj (May 5, 2013)

I have been married to my husband of 7yrs, it was the most stable relationship even then. And this is the hardest part,
I was the problem, I was constantly comparing my husband to people I wanted him to be like, and my career was booming, and he was retreating. I left him in the dust and then beat him down as if it were all his fault. He is extremely emotionally spent and torn down at this point due to my harsh treatment as well as two affairs. The first affair was with my ex husband prior to him that began over some unresolved feelings. I ended it and my husband and I tried to make it work. The damage was great, we were trying but it was just too much for us. I had a second affair, we even made an attempt after that but then when i finally realized and woke up to what I was doing and had done, the roles were reversed. He was the one beating me down out of anger emotionally out of so much resentment. We separated last August. We haven't spoke in over a month because there is still a lot of hostility and anger. I know getting back together is more then likely not going to happen. But through heavy therapy and a complete turn around in my attitude and emotional state I desperately want to, in some way make amends, tell him how deeply sorry I am for all the hurt and pain i have caused him. that he didnt ever deserve the torment i have put him through and I recognize that i tore us apart and our family. Is it too soon? Should I even bother? What would be a good point to start that conversation if I should even have it?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Yes, you should bother. As a simple start just send him a handmade card saying: I am really very sorry for the sh**ty way that I treated you.

Then add this, which you said here at TAM: 


> I am sorry for all the hurt and pain i have caused you. You didnt ever deserve the torment i have put you through and I recognize that i tore us apart and our family.


Good luck.:smthumbup:


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## rebmj (May 5, 2013)

Thank you, greatly appreciated.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Agree with Matt completely. Make the effort it will cost you little and may help both of you to heal even if you do not end up back together.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

I agree. A long sincere letter taking responsibility for all that you have done would be a big start. How about asking him out for coffee?

What you have done to your husband is indeed horrible. What you have done to yourself is almost as bad. At least you have finally seen the light. How we treat other people especially our loved ones define us as a person and who we really are. I wish you luck.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You should make the attempt, but do so without expecting or wanting anything in return.

Epically don't expect him to melt and run back to you like some bad romance movie.

Frankly I bet he his done for good at this point, and he will never believe your words of remorse having been burned twice.

The anger you are getting sent you way, as deserved as it is, is likely a sliver of the internal anger he is directing at himself right now. He sucked up the own and hurt from your first affair and he went out on a major limb to try to reconcile with you.

What he hit back was you treating him horribly, and then cheating on him again. So he's feeling betrayed by you , but mostly by himself for making the very bad choice to trust you and support you.

So make the attempt via a hand written note, maybe years from now he will see it with less anger than right now.

But after your abuse and two affairs, he'd be a fool to give you another shot. That's just beyond reasonable expectations.

Show him you are truly sorry by giving him a very generous non contested divorce. He gave you a major gift of reconciliation after your first affair. Now that you chose to trash that gift and have a second one, you owe him a huge debt for giving you that first chance. He'll never be able to trust you again, so you can't give to him emotionally, at least you can do things so that he isn't paying financially for wasting 7 years of his life.


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## rebmj (May 5, 2013)

Agreed, and I appreciate your honest reply. And indeed I am obliging to a non contested divorce as well as the realization we are over. In my original letter I prepared I did in fact state that I recognized he may not be able to accept my apology but even years from now I hope he understands why I did what I did, that it had nothing to do with him, it was my own emotional choas, and that he deserves far better.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

After doing the worst thing a woman can do to a man, what would be the point? You are a serial cheater after all and its pretty well established that serial cheaters cannot change.

You can obviously convince yourself of anything but if you are trying to tell yourself you can be a faithful partner and he can be happy with you, I think that idea is ridiculus.

You have tormented him enough.

Does he know your latest affair partner?


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

i think a _handwritten _letter is more appropriate. it's more personal.

maybe you should include steps you're taking to find out why you did it- your efforts in counseling. by the way you tell it, you pretty much broke this man down at every turn and justified your affair on his shortcomings. you emasculated him. i man doesn't take those things lightly. his anger and resentment is understandable. i suggest you don't make it all about you and blame shift. show some true humility for once. 

to tell you the truth, i don't see why your husband should even hear you out, right now. it might sound harsh, but its the sad truth. i applaud your efforts, but.....

also, you should understand that forgiveness is not gonna come easy- i mean, _this is twice_ -if it ever comes at all. its his choice to forgive.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

I will be blunt and say that you should start by saying:

"You deserve better than me, please move on with your life."

You might then finish by saying:

"I am sorry for abusing you."

You see, your post is all about _you_ and how _you_ feel. Nothing has changed. 

You even say "He was the one beating me down out of anger emotionally out of so much resentment." To equate his reaction to your uncalled for and extremely abusive behaviour is very telling.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

rebmj said:


> Agreed, and I appreciate your honest reply. And indeed I am obliging to a non contested divorce as well as the realization we are over. In my original letter I prepared I did in fact state that I recognized he may not be able to accept my apology but even years from now I hope he understands why I did what I did, that it had nothing to do with him, it was my own emotional choas, and that he deserves far better.


Stop the press.

Those aren't comforting words at all, because you aren't understanding what he has going through his head at all.

1. He already understands why you did it. He wasn't a good enough man, lover, husband to you to capture and keep you. So you lost love and respect for him and chose to give yourself to these other men.

That's what he is likely hearing in his head over and over.

2. Do not tell anything about how he might feel years from now, because what that is saying to him is that his current feelings, pain, and torment are trivial temporary things he'll get over and when he does he'll see you and your reasons were valid and ok.


Be honest with him: you cheated because you chose to. You cheated because being faithful and loyal to him was less important than giving into your own desire to be in a emotional and physical relationship with these other men.

Also it did involve him. If he had been he person you desired , you wouldn't have cheated twice. Your choosing to have affairs was very much you choosing them over him, and it has cost him 7 years of his life. So please don't trivialize it by saying it wasn't about him.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

A simpler and more honest letter might be

I did wrong by you. Twice I chose to cheat on you and trash my vows to you by having emotional and sexual relationships with other men.

I treated you horribly emotionally, I abused you, and I selfishly didn't worry about doing it. I'm sorry I made those selfish choices.

I will never be able to undo what I did, but I can give you a generous divorce and I can get out of the way so you can focus on healing the pain I have inflicted and to hopefully find the person who you deserve. Someone who will never make the selfish nasty choices I have.


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## rebmj (May 5, 2013)

Thank you all for the responses. This is so eye opening and much needed. i appreciate and accept it, this is why I wrote on here. The hard honest truth is very needed at this point. It helps me see where I am still failing. I opened the discussion for this very feedback.


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

do you two have children?

i ask because, believe it or not, you cheated on them also. every moment you spent with these OM could've been spent with them- your family; realize that you cheated on your _entire _family. did you apologize to them?


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## rebmj (May 5, 2013)

We do not have children together.


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

but you have children, correct? sounds like you have children with the ex you cheated with, so maybe you think you didn't cheat them out of anything. what i'm getting at is, you were being *inauthentic*. that's one of the things you should be apologizing for.


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## 2asdf2 (Jun 5, 2012)

rebmj said:


> Agreed, and I appreciate your honest reply. And indeed I am obliging to a non contested divorce as well as the realization we are over. In my original letter I prepared I did in fact state that I recognized he may not be able to accept my apology but even years from now I hope he understands why I did what I did, that *it had nothing to do with him, *it was my own emotional choas, and that he deserves far better.


It had plenty to do with him. 

If you had respect for him you would not have done what you did.

You need to rethink this.


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## Summer4744 (Oct 15, 2012)

Rebmj. I know you said realistically it is over with your ex. But what do you want? If there was a chance to reconsile would you even want to?

If the answer is no I would just leave things alone.


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

I feel you want to write this letter more for sake of your personal closure rather than benefit of your ex-husband. You had your come-to-Jesus moment through therapy and now yearn for forgiveness and kumbayah together.

Don't come with expectation of forgiveness from your husband, no mater how touching and sincere the letter would be.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

rebmj said:


> I was the problem, I was constantly comparing my husband to people I wanted him to be like, and *my career was booming*, and *he was retreating*. *I left him in the dust *and then beat him down as if it were all his fault.


Your affairs were almost inevitable. Very few women can maintain attraction for a man who earns less than they do. Look up "female hypergamy"; you'll find women have a strong biologically hardwired urge to mate with men who can provide more goods ($$$) and more protection (bigger, stronger). You are clearly not one of the exceptions to this standard mating strategy. Bear this in mind in any future relationship with a man.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

How did you finally come to this realization? It is not if you had one drunken ONS. You had 2 separate affairs.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

I think the best thing you can do for your husband would be to leave him alone as much as you can so he can move on with his life. Honestly the whole letter idea sounds like it's more for your own sake and feelings than his. But if you feel you have to do _something _a letter is your best bet.


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

I agree with Shaggy.It's too late. Let him recover and start a new life without you.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

DavidWYoung said:


> I agree with Shaggy.It's too late. Let him recover and start a new life without you.


No. It's not too late. I received a similar letter years ago from a woman I'd been in a LTR with. It was short and to the point and it helped me.


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## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

It may not be to late like matt says but the RIGHT thing to do is let the poor man go, no one deserves to be cheated on and treated like crap...let alone be cheated on twice.

your husband deserves better....far better


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Yeah, if it didn't have anything to do with him,he'd still be in a marriage with a partner he could trust with his heart. So saying it had nothing to do with him is a hurtful lie.

You need to at least be honest with him.


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