# Looking for advice...



## ohrunner77 (Jun 15, 2011)

So my wife of 4.5 years and I have been separated for almost 2 months now. She initiated the separation saying she needed the time and space to get clarity on what she wanted and what would make her happy. We attempted marriage counseling - but it didn't work, she kept flip flopping back and forth - b/t wanting to work on our marriage or leaving and getting away from me. Ultimately, it became too much to bear for me (I wasn't sleeping or eating) and she moved out. It has been over a month since she moved out and at first we hardly talked at all - only when it had to do with our daughter. We have a 1 yr old daughter, and in all of this mess we are putting her first. We agreed to a schedule and share our daughter and it has worked since all of the exchanges can take place thruogh daycare.

In the meantime, I've been seeing a counselor myself and getting treatment for anxiety and depression - things that I've suffered from for yrs but never dealt with (a contributing factor in the separation). I'm on medication and the counseling has helped me gain a lot of perspective. It's still early and I know I have a way to go, but I already feel better about myself and find myself enjoying things again and finding myself happy doing things that previously I might have seen more as necessary chores.

Anyway, where I need advice is this...About 2 weeks ago, my wife texted me that she wanted to know if I was available to talk on the phone, that she had some things to discuss about our daughter. So she called and we talked some about our daughter - but without any prompting my wife wanted to talk about us. Without getting into too much of the details, we ended up talking for almost 2 hrs. She asked how I was doing and how counseling was going. And I shared with her the progress I have been making. She asked about what I have doing. I told her about some of the fun things I've been doing with our daughter as well as just by myself or with my friends. She started to cry when I was telling her about the progress I have been making with my depression and self discovery I've had. We both said we loved each other, but we left it at that for now nothing was going to change. That it was best if we still kept cautious and didn't rush into anything. But she did ask for the name of my counselor b/c she thought she might look into going herself and wanted to know if I would recommend her and whether the counselor would be okay seeing us both independently or eventually as a couple.

I obviously felt better after we talked. And felt like there was still hope. See there had been a guy friend that she had befriended at work who was going through a divorce that she had been talking to alot leading up to and right after we separated. But she confessed to me that she stopped talking to him and realized that he was shady. Anyway after our talk I was in better spirits and felt like there was still hope for us to reconcile and work on our marriage which is what I want.

Then this past weekend, she wanted to talk again on the phone. She called and mostly we talked about our daughter, but we did also talk about our weekends and what we did. It was a nice conversation. And then the next day she even texted me to see if I was feeling any better (I had been sick over the weekend). I am taking all of this as good signs that she still has feelings. But I'm also very anxious to make more progress. My instinct is to call her and ask her out on a date - but I'm afraid it's too soon and she's not ready for that. But I'm having a hard time being patient.

She also emailed me last night with a link to something she thought I would find funny. But she said in the email "Sorry - I know I've probably been contacting you too much recently - but I thought you would find this funny."
Now I'm trying not to read anything into that - I know she doesn't want to lead me on. But it's nice to have her contact me and to know that she is thinking of me.

I'm looking for advice on what I should do next. I don't need any more time/space to know what I want. I'm ready to work on our marriage. I'm willing to take things slow and just start small - like a date here and there. But I also feel like she should be the one that reaches out not me. I have tickets to this concert in a few weeks that I know she wants to go to - and I want to ask her to go with me, but I'm afraid it's still to soon.

Any thoughts / advice in how I should proceed?


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

She has been reaching out to you. You need to reach out to her as well. Ask her to the concert. Take it slow. The best way to get things back on track is to spend time together.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Well I have no personal experience with separation so take my advice with a grain of salt. I say ask her. It sounds to me like she is wanting to reconnect with you, albeit cautiously, so I'd respond. I take the "I've been contacting you too much" as her fishing for do you want to connect with me or do you want me to go away. So show her what you want - don't open the flood gates, but show her that you enjoy her company and companionship.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I am sorry if this doesn't come off very nice but it sounds like your depression over all of these years is what caused this, and some people have a REALLY REALLY hard time with that, I KNOW I could not live with this sort of thing, it would drag me down too much -to where I would just want away from my spouse or need meds myself. 

Some people are just stronger, your wife probably wasn't one of them.

Now that she is seeing and hearing of your new ZEST for life, what this counseling has done for you, seeing you ARE enjoying your daughter, that living is no longer a "chore" but something to be thankful for each day & explored, going out with friends, *she is INTREGED*, this is why she cried, probably thinking "why oh why couldn't this have happened earlier in our marraige!!" 

But yet it is TOO soon, she doesn't know if your new found "spirit" for life is going to last. She HAS to see this for a time , a good long time to know if it is going to stick, to infact be safe to "believe again". 

I can see where she is coming from very much. Maybe it was a blessing it came to this -for you to Look up and make these changes. Could be a very happy ending if you take care of yourself , discovering how much life CAN be an adventure.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

ohrunner77 said:


> So my wife of 4.5 years and I have been separated for almost 2 months now. She initiated the separation saying she needed the time and space to get clarity on what she wanted and what would make her happy. We attempted marriage counseling - but it didn't work, she kept flip flopping back and forth - b/t wanting to work on our marriage or leaving and getting away from me.
> 
> *See there had been a guy friend that she had befriended at work who was going through a divorce that she had been talking to a lot leading up to and right after we separated.*
> 
> Any thoughts / advice in how I should proceed?


Call me a suspicious bast*rd but am I the only one that sees that your wife was involved in - what at least appears to be - an EA? If that is the case then there is more to this than your depression issue.

Separation is often used by a cheating spouse as a way to explore the affair without feeling guilty of betraying their spouse. In the cake eater's mind "separated=single" so a relationship with another person is not considered betrayal. 

I would advise you to consider not allowing your wife to choose if and when she comes back to you. This is important because it takes away the illusion that it is she who solely decides whether or not she remains married to you. You also have a voice and a choice on whether to remain married to her or not. She chose to leave you at a time you probably needed her the most. That is not what a loving spouse does to the other. So you have to make her realize that you are not her back up plan or second choice if things don't work out with the OM (other man). Here is the deal breaking criteria you should consider if she wants to come back to you:

1. States that she has ended all contact with OM.
2. States that she is willing to send a NC (no contact) letter to OM.
3. States that she wants to go to MC(marriage counseling) and possibly IC (individual counseling) as well.
4. States that she is more than willing to be an open book, accountable for her whereabouts.

Anything short of those 4, then she is truly not serious about reconciliation. *Those are your N.U.T.S. (non-negotiable, unalterable terms).*

*NEVER, EVER allow her to set your value as a man. If you do she'll never treat you like one. Make her prove she deserves you FIRST before you allow her back into your life.*

Nevertheless, I've got to commend you on your efforts of getting your life back on track and making YOUR happiness and that of your child's the center point of your new life. This renewed emotional strength is what is attracting your wife back for if there is one truth that every person - more so in the case of us men - is that a person who is not needy, clingy, but brave and joyous of what he/she can do with his/her life, is a very attractive to the opposite sex. Keep up the good work.


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