# The hard part about taking the cheater back . . .



## iwillsurvive (Mar 4, 2009)

When I first learned of my husband's infidelity, all I wanted was for everything to be ok. I wanted to put it all behind us, I wanted us to fix whatever problems we had, I wanted us to move forward. But I don't know that I really stopped and thought about what it would really take to "fix" things. 

We went through a lot of drama where he lied to be about having cut off contact with the other woman, he ended up leaving home for awhile, I made plans to move away, etc. In the end, we decided to give our marriage a fighting chance, which I don't regret, but wish that someone would have told me some of these things beforehand so at least I would be prepared.

Once he came home I had to face these things:

* My complete distrust in him- I suddenly felt slightly trapped by my own distrust. I didn't want to leave him alone for any period of time because I didn't trust him to be left alone. I hated that I took everything he said on a surface level, I didn't always believe him or know if I could. 

* My anger- I often felt like I couldn't move forward because I was so angry that he did this to us. I wanted him to be here, be present, be contributing to our marriage that I underestimated my bitterness and anger towards him and the OW. 

* Mmy fear that it would happen again- I get this insecurities and wonder if he is truly capable of being faithful from this point forward. And if he isn't then I want out now. 

* The fact that there would be some days when I would think that staying was a mistake, that I would wonder why I'm working so hard to make this marriage work, and that I would have to try and remind myself of the good qualities my husband has because all I could see were the negative

* My own insecurities- I was continually faced with my own personal demons- am I pretty enough, skinny enough, a good enough wife, a good enough mother, etc, etc. Did he cheat because I wasn't enough and he wants something more? 

* All the setbacks that happened during the process- my work suffered, my family suffered, my mental health suffered, my physical health suffered, our finances suffered, etc, etc. It seemed like when our marriage started falling apart, everything else was quick to follow and there were a lot of things to repair and piece back together. 

Wanting it all to be fixed isn't enough. It takes a lot of work, a lot of communication and a lot of heartache. I can't say for sure that things are ok quite yet. We are working on it. Things are definitely better, but not where I would like them to be. 

I have promised myself that I would try and make my marriage work and that I would be fully committed to making it work. But I also told myself that I won't allow myself to feel trapped by something that isn't worth it. I have the right to walk away if this truly isn't working or if I'm miserable. He's the one that made the choice to cheat, and after he screwed up, I definitely have the right to be honest with myself and walk away if needed.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

You described EXACTLY how I feel. Problem is I can't trust my emotions. One day I think, that's it this is not worth it I want a fresh start, only to have the exact opposite feeling the next day. So I am still on a roller coaster and can't trust how I feel.

The other night I even said to him for the first time since we reconciled a year ago "I'm sorry I can no longer do this. I NEED to have a relationship built on trust and I don't trust you." He was shocked and said no he was sorry that it was his fault and he thought we were doing better .... yeah we were but depends on at what point you are looking at. He talked to me and we dropped it and settled back in to working things out but I wasn't throwing an empty threat around, when I said it, I meant it.


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## Gomez (Jun 5, 2009)

I think you need to be ready to forgive yourself if it goes wrong again and really give the person who knows you best another chance to do it right. I have no illusions about what my partner is capable of anymore, and I have tried to clearly express my desire to end the relationship after her infidelity so she has no illusions about what my response would be. I choose to love the flawed person I see before me because I am flawed too, I choose to love her even though what she did hurt me badly because I know that I have acted and hurt others. 

I believe she loves me and is shocked in retrospect at what she did and now realizes that all it could have all been over and she doesn't want that. We used it to wake us both up to both giving space and being there for each other and really care about how the other is feeling. If I am worng about what she has learned and it happens again though I will not feel bad at all about trying my hardest and giving it my best shoot to make it work with her. I will forgive myself for being wrong if I am this time, but I am sure I am not.


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## foolz1 (Sep 5, 2009)

Believe me, you are not alone with your emotions and thoughts. It basically represents the feelings of anyone who has been cheated on. You are definately not alone with this, as I and many, many others are dealing with the same issues that you are.

I am trying to hang in there, but at times, it is a real struggle.

(((HUGS))) and most important, take of YOU!


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