# Overlooked threats to your marriage



## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

Below is a link to nine of the most overlooked threats to marriage. A short but good read this will make you think. 

http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/5972534

Ray
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

That's one of the more extraordinary articles I've seen on marriage. I especially was struck by this: "making our life a meditation upon the person we love is a revolutionary act".


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Excellent article Ray!

I claim huge guilt on this one:



> We care more about our children than about the one who helped us make them. Our kids should never be more important than our marriage, and they should never be less important. If they're more important, the little rascals will sense it and use it and drive wedges. If they're less important, they'll act out until they are given priority. Family is about the constant, on-going work of finding the balance.



I used to be hugely guilty of this one before I went to therapy with an excellent therapist:




> 3. Shame baggage. Yes, we all carry it it. We spend most of our adolescence and early adulthood trying to pretend our shame doesn't exist so, when the person we love triggers it in us, we blame them for creating it. And then we demand they fix it. But the truth is, they didn't create it and they can't fix it. Sometimes the best marital therapy is individual therapy, in which we work to heal our own shame. So we can stop transferring it to the ones we love.


And I think both my H and I are guilty of this one:



> 4. Ego wins. We've all got one. We came by it honestly. Probably sometime around the fourth grade when kids started to be jerks to us. Maybe earlier if our family members were jerks first. The ego was a good thing. It kept us safe from the emotional slings and arrows. But now that we're grown and married, the ego is a wall that separates. It's time for it to come down. By practicing openness instead of defensiveness, forgiveness instead of vengeance, apology instead of blame, vulnerability instead of strength, and grace instead of power.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

I read this article a few days ago and really loved it. This item spoke the loudest to me.

"2. Marriage doesn't take away our loneliness. To be alive is to be lonely. It's the human condition. Marriage doesn't change the human condition. It can't make us completely unlonely. And when it doesn't, we blame our partner for doing something wrong, or we go searching for companionship elsewhere. Marriage is intended to be a place where two humans share the experience of loneliness and, in the sharing, create moments in which the loneliness dissipates. For a little while."


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

ScarletBegonias said:


> I read this article a few days ago and really loved it. This item spoke the loudest to me.
> 
> "2. Marriage doesn't take away our loneliness. To be alive is to be lonely. It's the human condition. Marriage doesn't change the human condition. It can't make us completely unlonely. And when it doesn't, we blame our partner for doing something wrong, or we go searching for companionship elsewhere. Marriage is intended to be a place where two humans share the experience of loneliness and, in the sharing, create moments in which the loneliness dissipates. For a little while."


I'm kind of in disagreement here.

TO ME, marriage has been ALL about companionship. I love being close to another person and have NEVER felt lonely AT ALL.

If anything, opposite. Marriage has completely gotten rid of loneliness in my life.

But I'm the kind that likes humans in small doses (as in 1 special one is all I need.....vs many people).


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

DoF said:


> I'm kind of in disagreement here.
> 
> TO ME, marriage has been ALL about companionship. I love being close to another person and have NEVER felt lonely AT ALL.
> 
> ...


As someone who has a personality disorder,I always feel like there's a void or some piece of me that's lonely inside. I am all about companionship with my husband.I basically can't stand other people.He gives me a ton of attention. That doesn't mean it keeps me from feeling lonely inside occasionally due to my issues.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Generally I lower the credibility score for anything published By Huff by 2 points. I liked that the author offered new things to think about. I won't agree with everything he said but, that's pretty normal with me anyway. I'm still wondering about vulnerability instead of strength. Flys in the face of my observations but . . . hmm I do it anyway.

I could use more meditation. Never thought of it that way.

MN


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I found the article rather bleak & pessimistic ...surely nothing on there would have one jumping or inspired to get married.. . 

Not that I mind that sort of thing. but it assumes ....

*1*. Who you are marrying will surely change -so you can't go by what you see.. I guess if the person knew what they wanted/ had some sort of plan/ vision of their future... this doesn't have to be true.. maybe we're just odd.... I don't think we've changed much over the years...maybe that makes us boring even..... what we wanted then would be the same we'd do all over again. 

*2.* It states you'll still be lonely within marriage.. I never felt like this.. true, I may have wanted a little more of this or that. but I always felt him in spirit right beside me...even if he was not there.. if you feel best friends with your lover.. I wouldn't understand feeling like this...so it depends I say... 

*3.* Speaks of baggage/shame .. which seems to assume both will be throwing flame throwers in each others face...then they'll need individual counseling.. sounds awful.. I hope this is more of an exception that the rule ! 

*4*. Speaks of how our EGOS are a problem -they build walls of protection for us from our youth....but when you open up to another -these come down. slowly.. hopefully surely...

We're both on the humble side & can readily admit our faults to each other.. and still feel accepted by the other.. It says ."vulnerability instead of strength".. this is a misconception.. *Vulnerability -when you KNOW when to use it .. is a strength*. not throwing our pearls before swine, of course..None of us want to do that.. and hopefully we wouldn't feel THAT way about the one we married ! 

*5.* Many times marriage can be messy by our NOT caring to help our spouses, we bring so many things upon ourselves even to ruffle their feathers.... it's bad enough outside forces come against us (unforeseen car accident, loss of a good job, infertility, in law issues, health issues, etc) but what we can control by our own hand. ...we must ...to keep the mess at a minimum....Manage time well, speak the others love languages, be careful with our spending, etc.. 

*6*. This article states Empathy is hard.. is it always ? if one married a narcissist.. sure ! if You married someone who is empathetic to our wants, desires , needs.. I wouldn't say this is hard... That little write up is one of my H's beefs about why so many cant get along.. he says people are stubborn & they want the other to cave 1st.. so they give the silent treatment .... in hopes to get their way (a power ploy)...but it snuffs the emotional harmony from them both...We don't do this.. we may fight in a moment, but open up & take the empathy plunge...Yes.. good advice there!

*7.*. I did put the children above my husband, or let's say.. I just catered to them more so during a phase in our lives.. Yes... a lesson learned here...

*8*. Don't understand the hidden power struggle thing. we both bring all of our concerns, wants, plans to each other, and talk/ reason them out ...then go forth together...

*9*. Seems to imply if one doesn't meditate...their marriage is going to suffer....not sure I follow what they are meaning in that one.. Not something we've ever done.. can't say it is missed.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Not one mention of Ebola?


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

Our evolution was based upon a series nucleic acid mutations and wholesale chromosomal transpositions against the backdrop of climactic and geological events. It lead to a species that should not have survived had not been for our capacity to cooperate and form close tribal bonds. 

While marriage may not be a genetic default, close kinship and gregariousness is and was vital to our making it as far as we have along this short four to six million year experiment. So, this article strongly alludes to cultural evolution which often can be in conflict to our biological evolution and eventually to novel adaptations that arise in our species. That is how I view it.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

ScarletBegonias said:


> I read this article a few days ago and really loved it. This item spoke the loudest to me.
> 
> "2. Marriage doesn't take away our loneliness. To be alive is to be lonely. It's the human condition. Marriage doesn't change the human condition. It can't make us completely unlonely. And when it doesn't, we blame our partner for doing something wrong, or we go searching for companionship elsewhere. Marriage is intended to be a place where two humans share the experience of loneliness and, in the sharing, create moments in which the loneliness dissipates. For a little while."



Amen.

"But don't be fooled. We lonely mostly here too"
-Meet Joe Black


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

Huffpost??? :rofl::rofl::rofl:

a really TOP FLIGHT news source there!


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

ScarletBegonias said:


> I read this article a few days ago and really loved it. This item spoke the loudest to me.
> 
> "2. Marriage doesn't take away our loneliness. To be alive is to be lonely. It's the human condition. Marriage doesn't change the human condition. It can't make us completely unlonely. And when it doesn't, we blame our partner for doing something wrong, or we go searching for companionship elsewhere. Marriage is intended to be a place where two humans share the experience of loneliness and, in the sharing, create moments in which the loneliness dissipates. For a little while."


This point spoke to me as well. There have been times in my marriage where I've been lonely. But after reflection most of the lonelyness was caused by myself and not the spouse. So this is true to a point. It is wrong to displace and blame our spouse for any of the points in the article. To me it's communication that helps prevent that and any of these from happening. 

But I must agree on the meditation point. Our spouse should be our focus.


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## thefam (Sep 9, 2014)

This article seems too specific. It seems to be directed at couples that have specific issues and not too useful on a broad basis. I can see that it is helpful to some but none of it really resonates with me and my marriage. In fact some of it is opposite to our dynamic. I cant really say that i am lonely when my H is gone but i miss him terribly. But when he is home there is a oneness that is oh so sweet. There is no lonliness at all.

I honestly dont know where he was going with the meditation thing. 

I guess it just goes to show that every dynamic is different and marriages cant be painted with a broad brush.


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

Wow. Sparked some conversation. Article was linked by a counselor I respect a great deal, so I thought it was worth sharing. 

Ray
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mtn.lioness (Oct 29, 2013)

SimplyAmorous said:


> "vulnerability instead of strength".. this is a misconception.. *Vulnerability -when you KNOW when to use it .. is a strength*


Yes. I completely agree on this. I had to stop and put thought into the vulnerability instead of strength as I find that I struggle with this, but I really like your take on this. 

Thanks for taking the time to really put thought into this article. Its been helpful for me.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

There have been some questions about the meditation part #9

Here is what I got from it and why I mentioned it. Meditation is a different method of thinking than the standard. At least it is for men, women may think in a way that is much closer to meditation than men do. That would explain why #9 confused you. 

Here is what I think he was suggesting. When you think about your marriage relationship, don't just think about it and then move on to the next box. Meditate on it, Think about the relationship, turn it over and think about it from another direction, when you get distracted, consciously turn your thoughts back to the relationship. When you think about something else think about how your relationship affects the something else and how the something else affects the relationship. Mostly just keep coming back to think about it, because it isn't the kind of thing that you solve once and it stays solved, it's constantly changing and bringing in new challenges. 

Men particularly like to think that they have it solved / fixed/ put away in it's box. I think this is a good reminder to keep it in your mind.

opinions?

MN


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

Mr. Nail said:


> There have been some questions about the meditation part #9
> 
> Here is what I got from it and why I mentioned it. Meditation is a different method of thinking than the standard. At least it is for men, women may think in a way that is much closer to meditation than men do. That would explain why #9 confused you.
> 
> ...


Fairly sure you nailed it there. 

And totally right about us men finding a solution for something and never returning to it. I learned that my marriage is constantly in a state of flux and fixes that worked last year might not work now. This especially true as my wife and I move into our late 40s and approach a time when her sex drive is on the rise and mine may be on the decline (the first is happening, thank God the second is not). 

Ray
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

A solid list. I especially loved the last point regarding meditating on your lover as an act of revolution. That was so powerful in it's profundity.

I do think a point about sex is a vital element missing from this list. And the loneliness element doesn't resonate with me at all. As a spiritual man, I very rarely feel lonely, even when physically alone. I've never even thought about marriage as a combatant to loneliness.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

ScarletBegonias said:


> As someone who has a personality disorder,I always feel like there's a void or some piece of me that's lonely inside. I am all about companionship with my husband.I basically can't stand other people.He gives me a ton of attention. That doesn't mean it keeps me from feeling lonely inside occasionally due to my issues.


Sorry to hear, learn to deal with those issues > overwrite your brain/practice mental control (is my best advice).

I can't say I NEVER feel lonely, but if it does come up, I just go have fun and ignore it.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

DoF said:


> Sorry to hear, learn to deal with those issues > overwrite your brain/practice mental control (is my best advice).


:rofl: 

It's really easy for someone on the outside looking in to say that. But thank you just the same. I've been in therapy to "overwrite" my brain and practicing mind control since I was a teenager. Believe me,the work and effort gets put in every single day of my life.


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