# Separated and so confused...



## thatgirll007 (Dec 14, 2010)

This might be a long one...any advice would be greatly appreciated.

_The history: _

My husband left nine weeks ago, two weeks before our 12 year anniversary. We're both 32, we have no kids. 15 months before he left, he cheated on me, carrying on an 8-month long affair with a 19 year old. Once I found out about the affair, he ended it, although he did tell me "ILYB...". At this time, my husband was the assistant pastor of our church. He stepped down from the position immediately and stopped praying, reading his bible, pursuing a spiritual relationship privately at all, although we still attended church.

Initially, after the affair, he informed me that my 60-pound weight gain over the last 8 years has made me sexually unattractive to him and that he doesn't want to hurt me but he prefers a smaller woman. Mind you, this woman he cheated on me with was right around my size. But, wanting to save my marriage, I earnestly started dieting and exercising. I lost around 35 pounds, but gained 15 of those back. I told him over the course of the months following my weight loss stall and regain that I was having trouble losing weight, maintaining the loss, etc. I tried to get his emotional support - he never would walk or exercise with me and refused to change his eating habits, continued to bring fast food home, sometimes for me without me asking - but he alternated between cold/judgmental and nonchalant (his standard emotional states since I've known him).

Finally, I saw that he had been doing an online apartment search. So, I asked him if he was thinking about leaving me. He said yes. And over the next 36 hours, he cried and consoled me as he packed up his things and moved in with a friend. He assured me that he hadn't cheated, but that he just wanted to be free. 

_The Present_

For a week after he left, I was desolate, but he made very little contact with me and I began to pick up the pieces of my life. I sat down to really take an inventory of the situation. I have been a great wife. I am loving, supportive, open and adaptive to change. I earn a great salary and keep a nice home. I love to laugh, have sex and have fun just as much as I love to disappear and bury my nose in books. I love my husband passionately and he knows it. 

When he left, he told me that I was "the perfect wife, except..." my weight. I really thought about whether or not I wanted to lose weight for myself and how I felt about my appearance. I decided that I did not want to necessarily lose weight. I do want to continue to be healthy, so I continued to exercise and try to balance out what I eat, not really monitoring a scale. If I never step on a scale again, it wouldn't bother me!

Honestly, I feel good about myself. I look good and I have no problem attracting men. There's hardly a day that goes by when I don't receive some sort of attention from men...and in one day after word spread about our separation, 4 of our male friends called me up to ask me out (the vultures!). I really felt like I was in the Twilight Zone, but I felt a fog lift. I had literally been operating under this belief that my weight meant that I was...unworthy of love, I guess. A week and a half away from my husband and that thought completely disappeared.

I bought a pink bedspread that I had been coveting but he didn't like. I cooked food that he always found stinky or unappealing. I TiVo'ed shows that he never wanted to watch. I starting to read books on embracing living alone, letting go of lost loves and choosing to be happy. I began to bounce back, slowly and with some crying jags, but my friends and family rallied around me and I began to sleep through the night and steady things out.

The general consensus among my friends seemed to be that my husband felt intimidated by having to "live up" to me. I have two graduate degrees, and he's a high school graduate. I earn more than he does. I have better relationships with my friends and family than he's been able to manage. When I set my mind to achieve something, I normally can achieve it. They felt that my weight was the only thing that he could find to criticize about me and that he used it as a crutch for his own insecurities. I really didn't know what to think. In my eyes, it had always seemed to me like our lives would improve if I just lost 50 pounds or so. They felt that all of the male attention I receive should prove their point. I felt that male attention was flattering and satisfying, but the only male attention I really would have wanted was that of my husband. I poured myself 100% into the commitment I made to him and even now would rather have him than any other man on the planet.

Two weeks into the separation, he started calling and texting. He asked me if I still loved him and wanted him back. I told him that I did, but that I didn't want to be treated coldly or to live under his judgment about my weight anymore. We starting going to church together, went out for dinner.

Now, he constantly texts me about every little thing in his life. He calls constantly; we go to bed on the phone. He told me that if he was introduced to me today, he would want to date me and be with me. He's trying to get into my pants, constantly and I'm still the same size. He's complimenting me on the clothes I wear, the way I look in my new boots, etc. Every weekend, he comes and takes me out somewhere. There have been some intense make-out sessions and lots and lots of dates. We talk more than we did when we were married - or, at least, he does. It's nice.

I love my husband. I want to be with him. But I'm afraid to even mention the possibility of him coming back. I kind of like things as they are, although, I do want a strong, successful, normal marriage. I'm not afraid to do the work that is required to make the marriage work, I've been doing it (frequently alone) for years. I guess I'm just afraid that the moment we begin to talk about serious things like our relationship or that he comes home, he'll turn back into the cold, indifferent, judgmental, unfaithful man that he'd been before.

I don't even know how to proceed...


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## cubsfn (Sep 23, 2010)

I'd suggest couples counseling ... both of you can get your issues / concerns out in the open with a neutral party.


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