# How to bring it up? Is this the end?



## Too_Bad (Aug 23, 2014)

Short version is likely best as the long version is very LONG!

Fell in love with my wife 13 years ago. We were both very much in love. After meeting her I knew she was the only one for me from then on. She felt the same. 5 years later we married.

Her mother lived with us and was a pain. But family is family. Unfortunately, the arguing between the 3 of us got to a point where my wife decided she needed some emotional support outside the marriage.

I caught her red handed. It's a sight and feeling I'll never forget. My friend told me not to make any big decisions, no buying a car, house or making babies. I've seen on other posts that this is the advice most get. This was 4 years ago.

She went from being sorry and in tears to blaming me in a matter of a week. I said I was leaving, I couldn't live in that apartment anymore. I said she could come but that things would have to change. She wanted to come.

We moved and things started to get better. Her mother made things worse. Fighting was now mostly between them. I decided to work on myself, my health, my mind. I started reading more. For 4 years though, I made an effort to rebuild the relationship. I made the effort by setting the mood for dates, planning a vacation which was spontaneous. It seems like I was at the front of everything and she was just along for the ride while it lasted.

Finally, in May, I told my wife I felt like I was a babysitter and a paycheck. Quite often when we would argue she would always bring things around to 'how hard she works at work'. This was not the topic I was on, I was talking about us as a couple. She managed to maneuver around those issues and I let it happen. This time I didn't and I saw a slight bit of fear. Whether that was she was losing her babysitter / paycheck OR actual fear of losing someone she loves, I don't know. Over the course of a week some positive proactive changes happened, although small, it all has to start somewhere.

At the end of that week, her mother died. She was sick for a long time. I took care of her most of the time. Work wise, I work fewer hours but make more money. So it was easier for me to do most of the hospital visits, or ambulance rides etc.

Last month I had an operation, minor, abdominal hernia. The hospital had said she would have to be there on the day they explained the procedure, the day I checked in, and the day of the operation (I don't live in the West, although I'm a westerner. Where I live, this is how this time of procedure is handled).

My wife's reaction was "I don't know if I can take time off work." This made me angry. I asked my best friend and without hesitation he said of course. He did complain about my wife and, knowing more of our past than most, said that it was time to move on.

A few weeks ago during an argument, she said she is more focused on money than anything else. She has been the person in charge of finances for most of our marriage. How we don't have any savings and why it is that with our combined income of more than most of our friends doesn't allow us to live stress-free is beyond me. 

When it comes to household chores, I do what I think is a good job. I'm not always on the same page as her, but I get things done. However, when things aren't done at her pace, I'm suddenly someone who 'doesn't care.' I always say 'If something needs to be done, and you don't see me doing it, just ask and I'll get it done.' Her answer is 'I don't want to have to ask.' which to me is odd (Please let me know if this is me being an idiot).

However, when it comes to sex, I'm always the one who initiates and even then, it doesn't happen most of the time. I don't expect to get it every week or even month, but there's ZERO effort on her part and has been that way since before she cheated. So, I have to ask...but apparently that doesn't count.

An example of how things play out with sex, this was the LAST time I asked for sex and it will be the last until who knows when:

Sunday, beautiful weather. She had the day off, her mother was at a daycare service, I was out to work. I was suppose to be home after 6pm but got off early and was home at 1pm. My wife was home, in make-up with her hair done, but in a housecoat. She was at the computer checking clothes. After coming home, I cleaned the kitchen, setup the bedroom so that everything was perfect, made sure I looked and smelled good, and said in a more romantic way "Beautiful day, light coming into the room, nice music, why don't we have some alone time." Her response was "A little later." Of course I knew this would mean it wasn't happening. A little later her mom came home and my wife said "I think I'm just going to take a shower and go to bed early." AND she never went to bed early, she got to be at 1am.

She saw that I was not happy and said "Don't be angry, I'm doing my best!" And I'm thinking "Best at what?" I would never ask her for sex again. A few weeks back, fighting again, I bring up the fact that sex has been non-existent. She says she feels bad and would understand if I slept with another women. She says she is embarrassed and talks with co-workers about these issues. But for the life of me I don't see why she doesn't talk with me.

In a perfect world, my wife would realize that things could be better between us and work on us together and we would live happily ever after. I asked a friend/pastor to listen to me and give it to me straight. I wanted to know if there was anything I was doing that would make her not want me, not appreciate me, or anything that I was doing that would make you say "Hey, that's probably not a good thing to say/do." And I tried to be as honest as I could. He had nothing. He cares for the both of us so he was being kind in a way. 

So, I've been unhappy for a long time. I want out, but at the same time I'm finding it hard. So much time put into a relationship, so many good years. I thought that her cheating would destroy us but I managed to get through it, I don't know how. I still have pain and still have the images, but if she would just put in the effort, those painful images would fade. I don't know how to start talking divorce, what to expect or how to do anything as far as dividing up household goods and debts. Where I live, getting a divorce is easy and costs nothing so long as both parties agree to how things get divided up. We have no kids. We rent a very beautiful apartment, which I wouldn't want to live in on my own. OK, no I'm just babbling. I just hope for some guidance in doing this.

That was the short version. If anything got left out that you thing needs clearing up, I'll add more to it. Right now I'm regretting not leaving her 4 years ago. That's all turning into resentment.


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## Big Mama (Mar 24, 2014)

I can't really help you, but I do want you to know you are not alone. I am going threw the same thing. I don't know how I can say it and I can't believe I am torn about going threw with it but I am. Just know I feel for you. I hope things work out for you. I pray every day, just let Gods will be done and give me the stregnth to accept his will.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Let me begin by telling you how sorry you find yourself in this situation. I can see from your words that you have invested a lot into this marriage....not just money, but time, emotions, physical involvement, spiritual desire to great a union with your wife....but you married someone very self centered.....even when you were in need (surgery) she could not be there for you...not sure if your increasingly investing wisely any more....it maybe you need to cut your losses and what really concerns me is how she is handling the money...ask to see the books.


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## Too_Bad (Aug 23, 2014)

Thank you.

We actually just finished fighting. And I actually asked her to hand over all the bank books and cards so I can take a look to see what needs fixing. She caught on that I was wondering if money was being spent unwisely, but what needs to be done needs to be done.

I tried to keep the topic on us. I told her the more she drifts towards money the more she drifts away from me. I explained I had no problem planning for a financially secure future but not at the cost of having a relationship in the present. She kept bringing it back to work, how hard things are, how stressed she is. These are things I know, these are things I help with. I pointed out of a few, such as doing all the shopping and cooking or cleaning the bath and kitchen every other weekend. Not because it's 'her job', I think we both need to do what we can to make life easier on each other. She doesn't seem to grasp that. She says she 'appreciates' it but when I ask her for any sign of appreciation, she goes blank and then points to a negative about me 'You don't do this/that' and I calmly told her that we could play this game of you do/don't, and I always/never etc. I'm tired of it. 

The fight didn't end with anyone 'winning' but I do think she has a better idea today of what to expect of me down the line. 

Once I get a grasp on the finances is when I think I'll be able to make a more definitive decision as to where I should go. If I could simply snap my fingers, be in a different apartment with my stuff and my half of whatever debts we have, I would be on the road to happiness. It's just not that easy. It's everything between that moment you ask for a divorce to being completely out of their lives that is the hardest walk to walk.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

You're a paycheck. Time to move on. Sounds trite, but you're the one saying it. I just condensed it for you.


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## Ripper (Apr 1, 2014)

Machiavelli said:


> You're a paycheck. Time to move on.


Agreed. 

This is the rest of your life if you allow it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It does sound like it's time for you to move on.

With her constant concern about money, I'm wondering what you are going to find when you go through the finances.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Sounds like she just isn't into you any more, sorry.

You can either work on that or exit. 

Which is it? The time you waste is only your life ticking away.


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