# Help: Advice - Considering Divorce : am I selfish?



## tommygun (Jan 25, 2011)

I have been married for 14 years and we have 2 children together. Things have not been so great over the last 5 years.

Before we moved into our new house we slept in separate bedrooms and led parallel lives. We bought a new house hoping for a renewal, but things are only worse. She has not been interested in sex for years. It has been over a year since we have had sex.

We have no common interests, in fact any of my interests have been labeled "a dumb thing to do". I am in great shape, lead a healthy life style, active all the time. She wants to watch TV, shop and have take out. 

She holds much contempt for me. She makes me feel guilty for working, being active or generally away from home. She refuses to participate in any of my interests, and I do not want to spend my life watching TV eating potato chips.

I am sure that once the kids move away she will leave me. I really don't want to be 48 and alone. I would like to try and make a fresh start, but fear the impact this will have on my kids.

So, there is pretty much no respect left, no romantic love - only familiarity. Am I selfish for wanting to get a divorce? Or should I stick it out for the sake of the childrens feelings and possibly die alone?


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## ThinkTooMuch (Aug 6, 2010)

Tommygun,

Your wife isn't even a good housemate let alone a functioning wife. Many people here have said that staying married for the children's sake is a bad idea, I have to agree, especially in your case - she's a basket case, she needs to see a good psychologist - I strongly caution against MSW's, I know too many personally, was married to one, the FIL of another, great people for the most part but lack the training the Ph.D's get - I have had individual and marriage counseling with two MSWs and individual counseling with a Ph.D psychologist, there is a world of difference - but I bet she doesn't want to. Like my stbx "there's nothing wrong with me" might be her response.

I'm wondering how she thinks bills get paid if you don't work - is she a child of privilege with a trust fund or inherited wealth?

I wouldn't wait for your kids to leave the house, as you get older you will realize how important it is to live fully while you can, you'll see friends and relatives die young and others become disabled. At 62 I've gone to more funerals than I can count of my friends, they've died at ages ranging from 17 to 56, more friends dead than alive, with others fighting cancer and other almost certain killers.

You sound like a man who would have no trouble finding dates and potentially a much more interesting life companion, one with shared interests and a reasonable libido.

Carpe diem young man, provide an example to your children by living well. I know from my experience it is possible, I know by enormous sacrifices of time, money, and energy a busy engineer can work 60+ hours a week and still make time to have his children with him 50% of their out of school and camp hours. I know his kids can grow to become successful, happy, loving adults and fathers.

I truly distrust the statistical competence of social scientists and MSWs who report the children of divorce are hurt more than the children of lousy marriages where the parents stay together. The analytical skills they demonstrate wouldn't make it at my alma mater - a small engineering school in Cambridge, MA, nor its competitor in Pasadena.



tommygun said:


> I have been married for 14 years and we have 2 children together. Things have not been so great over the last 5 years.
> 
> Before we moved into our new house we slept in separate bedrooms and led parallel lives. We bought a new house hoping for a renewal, but things are only worse. She has not been interested in sex for years. It has been over a year since we have had sex.
> 
> ...


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## HoopsFan (Jan 13, 2011)

I think we might be married to the same woman. Kidding. Here's my story:

met wife in college and married 3 months after graduation. had doubts when we were engaged, but went through with it anyways. never had a strong attraction to my wife, although at times i was more attracted than i am now. We waited to have sex until marriage, me because of my baptist upbringing, and her because.. well, i should have questioned that more. I now know she doesn't like sex. She's a introverted person that doesn't like the vulnerability and loss of control involved in having sex. We did it maybe once a week when we were newlyweds, but I never enjoyed it. Her idea of sex has always been to lay as still as possible, clench some with her legs partially closed, on her back, in the dark, under the sheets.. no other way. Just lovely, eh? Oh, she also doesn't do hand holding, kissing, cuddling, hugging. I can't tell you how many times I've hugged her from behind and she doesn't turn around. She doesn't act like she hates it, she just doesn't react. She's never masturbated either, but she lusts over guys on TV so I don't think she's lesbian. She doesn't even really have anything to say when we talk. She prefers not to talk much at dinner or in the car.

Rewind. A couple years into marriage she wanted a baby. I didn't know of a good way to tell my wife I wasn't sure I'd want to stay married with her forever, so I didn't. So we had our daughter, who's now 6. We now also have a son who's 3. 

2 years ago I wrote her a letter and she just got upset and said I was trying to change who she's always been by asking for more affection. 6 months later she caught that I created an account on the affair website and a dating one, but I didn't pay anything, create a profile, or pursue a date or a hook up or anything. I browsed the women's profiles window shopping. It was still wrong, but part of me wanted to see if there was a woman out there that I could see myself happy with. I don't think my wife looks at me with desire, but I'm a 32 year old guy, I'm funny and quick-witted, I'm maybe 15 pounds overweight, but I think I'm reasonably attractive. I deleted the online accounts and I've stayed away for a year and a half. I got her to go to marriage counseling with me this past year for a few months and even mentioned thinking about divorce, but the counselor wasn't very good and not much changed. 

One hard part is I work downtown and every day I see dozens of attractive women my age that dress nice and smile. When I see affectionate married couples, like our neighbors that we're friends with, I get jealous.

Sorry for being so long-winded. I didn't intend to write so much, but as you can see, our issues are pretty similar. I'm planning to start up individual counseling soon to help me cope. When I try to talk to my wife, she gets irritated and is puzzled as to why I'm unhappy. She thinks every thing is normal. To her the fact that we haven't had sex in a year is just a small problem, and she acts like it's my fault for not initiating if I want it. But I've got alot of resentment and I know the sex won't be very good, and I just don't feel that close to her.

I'm mainly staying married because I want 100% access to my kids. They're so fun right now and every time I have one of those magical moments with them where I teach them something new or they jump on me and we tickle each other, I think about what I'd be missing out on. I also fear the consequences of divorce - we'd have to sell my house, my kids would be devastated, my wife would probably just feel sorry for herself and paint me as the bad guy to my kids, my stay-at-home wife would have to work more, the kids would probably have to go into daycare. I wish I had a solution.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Let her be a good friend of yours because she's the mother of your kids, but stop letting her be your wife.
To be your wife, she must want you in bed and there must be romance and intimacy.
If she doesn't care to be your wife, you don't need to lock her in the marriage cage together with you. Both of you're suffering. let her free to seek romance! Let yourself free!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## autumnalhedge (Jan 26, 2011)

You're not selfish at all, but there are two sides to every story. I would request you speak to her about your feelings (coming from a failing marriage where my husband never tells me anything he feels like this). She may not be aware how much it's bothering you, even if it's exceedingly obvious to you. If you talk and she's not willing to do anything, then let her know you're considering divorce. I found out the hard way and would have been so grateful if he spoke to me before deciding it was what was best for us. Good luck.


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## troy (Jan 30, 2011)

Seem like one of your problem is lifestyle incompatibility; that's my problem also. If she is willing to work on the marriage I suggest you both get busy before its too late. 

Other than counseling, there is plenty of information out there about techniques for building a good marriage. Put you marriage first and learn how to build a good marriage and you both will find happiness once again.

Learn from this experience so you are better prepared for the next relationship if this one does not work out.


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