# I need serious help, please.



## AustinLily (Jul 22, 2013)

I'm almost at the end of my rope on this. I've been married for 7 years now, and it just feels like our marriage is foundering and has been heading south over the past two years. We have a two year old daughter, are relatively stable financially, and are both employed. 
Issues: 1) her job is with a start-up and she is often not home until 7:30, or 8, or 8:30, or 9 or occasionally even later (note: she is not having an affair and using work as an excuse). This means I get stuck at home with our daughter and have to do cooking, cleaning, laundry, bedtime duty, pet duty, and various other things, but also I can't do any of the plethora of extra things that my job comes with. Also, when she comes home, she's exhausted, irritable, and unhappy. Which leads me into:
2) house cleanliness is a big thing with her, so she wants to spend weekend time doing big tasks. I understand that, but quite frankly, it seems unfair when I am doing all the other stuff that runs the house, and then have to give up weekend time to do more cleaning (instead of social stuff, or catching up on my own work - which is considerable). So when she announces that she wants to clean, my back goes up, and we end up fighting...
3) which is another issue. She is very rigid, hates deviations from her own plans, can be a control freak. So whenever I want to clean or do anything in a way she didn't decide it had to be done in, suddenly I'm ruining everything. 
4) In fact, communication is brutal lately. Every time I don't agree with her, it's a fight. There's no such thing as a disagreement, or a dispute, or a spat. It's a FIGHT. In her eyes, I'm belittling her, undermining her, or insulting her by not holding the exact same opinion. Also, no issue or event from any time in our relationship is off-limits. Anything I've done from any time in the past five years is routinely thrown back in my face. 
5) I also am finding her incredibly uncompassionate and unsympathetic. Every time I have an issue and tell her (in a FIGHT, of course), her response is that I knew what I was getting and she can't change (so I'm supposed to?), or that I need to stop being so sensitive. When I'm upset, and she asks what is wrong, I don't even feel like telling her, because either I'm being too sensitive, or it's an attack on her and then, you know, FIGHT time. 
6) And of course, because you want to know, the sex. Nothing to know, because nothing's happening. Maybe once a month. I try to initiate a lot, but for the past year or so, the excuse is that she's too tired at night, so maybe in the morning? Great, but I leave for work at 6:45 AM, and of course, I can't wake her up, because, you know, she's tired. Maybe on a weekend, if she isn't tired, or our daughter isn't up and about, or she's actually feeling like it. Incidentally, we've done it maybe twice in the past six weeks (we were on vacation for two and managed to sneak in just once). Of course, in the last big FIGHT, I pointed out how lackluster it's been on this front, and she actually told me she didn't like it because I'm not any good in the sack. (Which is really the one thing you should never say to a guy...). No, she never initiates sex, she hasn't attempted oral sex since pre-engagement, and it's the same routine every time. If she doesn't have an orgasm, she pouts and gets angry at me, and if she does before I finish (no seconds for her, ever, won't allow it), she actually demands I finish as quickly as possible. 
7) Finally (there are other things, but these are the big ones), she's gained a huge amount of weight since we've been married (like 110 pounds, give or take 10 pounds). She didn't exercise and she works a desk job so it's all sedentary all the time, although her diet actually is okay. She just joined a gym (hugely expensive), but really needs to change small behaviors (like getting off the couch and getting things for herself, or walking the dogs in the morning instead of it being my job), but she won't. I haven't said a word to her about it. 

So anyway, I'm miserable, she's miserable, and I don't know what to do. Please help...I'd suggest therapy, but she'd probably tell me she doesn't have time. Thanks.


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## I got this (Feb 25, 2013)

She needs a more family friendly job immediately. End of story


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## AustinLily (Jul 22, 2013)

I've thought of that, but unfortunately it's not going to happen. She really likes this job, and she considers it "family friendly" since she can see off our daughter to day care in the morning (8:15). Also, it's a company that has huge potential, so we could end up pretty wealthy. I know money shouldn't come before our relationship, but there's that. 

I've also brought up in our FIGHTs that her hours are awful, and her response is always along the lines of that we need the money and the potential (she actually envisions it being so good that I could quit my job!). And besides (remember, unfair fighting goes on here) I have a gig coaching a spring sport, so when I'm not around for some or all of every weekend late April and May, what's the difference? Then she's left all alone with all the housework and our daughter, so I'm the bad guy. And since I'm not going to quit the coaching, why should she have to adjust her hours at work? 

Thanks for the suggestion though....


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## I got this (Feb 25, 2013)

Your wife is self-centered. The difference is work-life balance. Coaching isn't work.


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## AustinLily (Jul 22, 2013)

Amusingly enough, one of her biggest charges is that I am the one who is selfish. (lazy is the other big one)

Also, what do you mean by "coaching isn't work"? It is related to my work, and I would consider myself to have an okay balance of work to play.


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## I got this (Feb 25, 2013)

So far I don't like anything about her. What do you like?


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## AustinLily (Jul 22, 2013)

I guess that's the huge question - what happened to the woman I married and loved? I love our daughter and don't want to hurt her. I'm willing to be miserable if it means my daughter isn't damaged. I have too many friends whose parents really messed them up due to their divorces (although I know that her being a witness to poor relationships inside a marriage isn't ideal either). 
The good stuff: she actually can be an incredibly caring person (although it seems not about me), very good at managing things and dealing with details, great organizer, smart. We actually do complement each other well - her weak points are my strong ones, and vice versa. The sex used to be really good. And I do love her, it's just that she's making me miserable and question if she loves me.


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## I got this (Feb 25, 2013)

AustinLily said:


> she's question if she loves me.


It doesn't sound like it calling you lazy and blowing off your concerns. She loves her job though. 

Are you beta? It sounds like she doesn't have any respect for you.


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## AustinLily (Jul 22, 2013)

I think she's definitely in need of being alpha, and I know that a lot of our fights come from when she perceives I'm challenging that. You might be right about the not respecting me part. 

That said, got any suggestions about what I should actually do?


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## I got this (Feb 25, 2013)

Read No more mister nice guy and marred man sex life blogs and everything you can find on the effects of being beta. She is running over top of you and "manning up" is the way out although this sounds bleak since she is so domineering. Don't let her push you around or she wont ever respect you. 

Good luck with it.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Your first post is full of complaints but when questioned you flip around to all her good points. She walks all over you and has no respect for you. She is controlling & bossy & you are afraid of her & to stand up for yourself. I mean no disrespect but you are a doormat. 

Read the books suggested & take baby steps to get control of your life back.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

This might sound like it's out of left field, but I assure you it isn't!

I would bet that your wife is a sexual abuse survivor and that the behaviors you describe are tied to that, even if she does not remember them. Her behaviors are actually quite typical if that's the case. A survivor may seem like a normal, confident, and happy person until something triggers their subconscious to think they are unsafe. Giving birth to a child or seeing their own child reach an age near the mother's age at the time of abuse are two very common triggers.

The problems this triggering can create can affect everything! The survivor is caught in a psychological minefield that plunges them back into a world where things don't make sense and they have to do their best to control and understand their environment, but the primary models they had may never have given them the tools. 

For instance, dad abuses child and says it is because he loves her, but mom will go to prison if the child tells. Just this one statement and incident of abuse leaves the child with feelings of guilt, shame, not being able to be authentic, a distrust of the people who "love" her, a knowledge that she will not be protected, and much more. If she ever does tell, it creates a whole new slew of similar problems that aren't easily resolved. She finds that other people see her as damaged, blame her for not taking actions they think she should have taken, or they ridicule her and protect the abuser. With all of this craziness in place, it can be hard for a survivor to figure out what and who to trust... the whole world becomes the threat!

As a protective coping mechanism, survivors may throw themselves into "busyness," withdraw into depression (or exhibit other signs of psychiatric disturbance like bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, anxiety disorder, or agoraphobia.) 

Something that used to be true but is harder to gauge these days with the obesity epidemic is that survivors will often sabotage their sex lives because not having sex or intimacy is safer and less confusing. They may gain weight or neglect hygiene to make themselves less attractive. They may criticize their partner's skills. They may limit themselves to only performing a very small selection of sexual acts, or may develop rituals that must accompany any periods of intimacy. They may subconsciously place their child in the path of another abuser as they try to avoid and deny their own fears by becoming emotionally or physically distant from the child, who is now left without protection as the survivor once was. 

It sounds like your problems with your wife started around the time your daughter was born or shortly before. If she is a sexual abuse survivor, then many of these changes could be related to your daughter's birth. 

I would encourage you to do three things if you want to recover your marriage: 

1. Practice the 180.
2. Get yourself into therapy to gain assistance with coping with her new behaviors and learning how to deal with her. 
3. Find new behaviors to deal with the new her. You will benefit from learning to validate her and let HER lead to the conclusion you want to see happen. This requires you to ask many questions, validate her answers, and ask more questions that gently lead her to the points YOU want to make. It is time consuming and difficult, and may or may not work. 

Or start planning your exit strategy.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

I've worked on a start-up before for 3 and a half years. It was the most difficult and exhausting thing I've ever done. Unfortunately, it didn't pan out for me ... the investors sold it ... so while there is great potential reward, there is also great risk. There is no doubt it damaged my marriage. I was so focused on the start-up, I barely had enough energy left for anything else.

The stress can definitely create a lot of the behavior you are describing.


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## Kaboom (Feb 6, 2013)

Easy... She's unhappy and it's your fault (well.. she blames you anyways). Her resentment will only grow with each fight, as will yours. It can be fixed, maybe. Maybe not. Do you really want it bad enough to go through hell to try and fix it, when in all likelihood it can't be?

Personally, I'd run. But I'm a big cynical jerkface. Ask anyone here.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

My ex worked for a couple of start ups. It's just an excuse for people to be workaholics and feel really important and like their job is better than yours.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

OP said: "and she actually told me she didn't like it because I'm not any good in the sack. (Which is really the one thing you should never say to a guy...)."


Not even if it is true?

Why wouldn't you say it if it is true?

How could the husband know this was a problem if the wife doesn't say it? How could he work on improving his skills if he doesn't know?


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## aesky (Jun 20, 2013)

I guess there are different ways to say it. "You're not very good," is one very direct way.

"You know what I like? I like this. . ." is another, more user friendly way.

But to the OP - your wife sounds a little like me - I tend to be somewhat bossy I guess, but I sure as hell didn't gain 100 pounds and neither did my wife. We both took care of ourselves in that sense. 

To your issue, I suppose you could tell her, "Look. During the week I did x and y and z and you didn't so now if you want to do your share and clean, that's great! It's why I love you - because you want to share the housework even though you're so busy, so I can have time to do the other things I need to do."

Then do the things you want to do. I never had a problem doing that, and for years my wife was OK with it. She even said she was OK with it and in turn, I never pressured her to do this or that. But recently she wasn't OK with it and when exactly that turned, I don't know. You're already fed up so I suspect one day that you'll man up and leave. Best of luck to you - it's hard to have feelings for someone and know that you're living in the land of hope rather than reality.


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## AustinLily (Jul 22, 2013)

Emerald: I realize you're trying to help, but the reason I listed her good qualities is because the previous post asked "what do you like about her?" 

KathyBatesel: Interesting theory, but I don't believe she was molested. What's a 180?

Faithful Wife: Okay, maybe I was wrong to put that as an absolute. So if I'm not that good in the sack, I'm willing to take criticism, but at an appropriate time. When she said it was in the middle of an argument, designed to be hurtful and cruel. There are good ways to help and foster improvement, and bad ways to hurt and foster resentment.


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## Kaboom (Feb 6, 2013)

diwali123 said:


> My ex worked for a couple of start ups. It's just an excuse for people to be workaholics and feel really important and like their job is better than yours.


That's a bit slanted, dontcha think?

I work for what might be called a start-up, our company is just approaching 10 years old and has less than 50 employees.. but let me tell you- it's the best job I've ever had! No corporate BS, no smug do-nothing employees/managers. No crazy stupid rules from a bored HR department.... And I report to only 1 person.. the prez. I have a job, and I do it. The job either gets done to their satisfaction, or it doesn't. Nobody to blame but myself if I fail. Nobody micro-managing me. 

Yeah, I sometimes work long hours, but not impossibly long, and I also get flex time for it, so the following week I can work less, or carry it til later.

Just saying...


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

"When she said it was in the middle of an argument, designed to be hurtful and cruel. There are good ways to help and foster improvement, and bad ways to hurt and foster resentment."


OK but even though she tossed it out during an argument and didn't say it kindly (I agree it should have been handled better), that doesn't mean you should ignore what she said. You should bring it up again and get clarification so you can both improve things...IF what she said was true and not just to get a rise out of you.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Your wife sounds eerily similar to my ex wife, and my behavior sounds eerily like yours. We seperated over four years ago, and the divorce was final a year ago. We were married for 17 years.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> OP said: "and she actually told me she didn't like it because I'm not any good in the sack. (Which is really the one thing you should never say to a guy...)."
> 
> 
> Not even if it is true?
> ...


Because it doesn't solve anything. It is a negative approach instead of a positive one. It is simply tearing him down instead of working to improve it.

So if my daughter was struggling in school and consistently came home with bad report cards what should my response be? You are a lousy student? You're stupid? You'll never amount to anything? Maybe there's some truth there but that doesn't solve anything. I could say ... I'm not happy about this but I believe you are capable of doing a lot better. Let's talk about what we can do together to improve your grades.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Already said I agreed that she said it in a mean spirited way and it should have been handled delicately.

Also said if it is true, versus just something she said to be mean, then it should be dug back up and discussed.

Hey - if I suck in bed, my husband better be able to TELL ME SO if he wants it to change! Again I agree the way she said it was not constructive. Does the husband want to ignore it though? If so, WHY???

It was criticism and not constructive as it was said...but the TRUTH of it still needs to be examined, if there is any.


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## inquizitivemind (Jul 16, 2013)

I am not saying this to be hurtful and I hope you see it for what it is, which is trying to help you see the problem. As a woman, I have little respect for you if you allow me to "boss" you around. I can be bossy sometimes, telling my husband do this babe, do that. I get cranky and yell at him for no reason. However, my husband puts me in my place. That is what you need to do.

Your wife sounds extremely selfish. As for the sex thing, I gained weight once and my sex drive plummeted. I had very little energy and I was so tired. Plus, sitting at a desk all day is horrible. She is in a rut, and as her husband, you need to put your foot down. If you love her and you want to work it out, help her to help herself. If she resists, you have to decide if you are willing to stay in a marriage like this, which I dont think you are.


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## iBolt (Aug 28, 2012)

Bro. you need to stop being a foot mat. You probably might want to set some boundaries around how you talk with each other. As per the sex thing, I don't care if your peewee was the size of Big Ben and had the romancing capacity of all of Rome, it probably won't make much of a difference to your wife. Her brain is on her career. 

I will strongly recommend that a good way to show strength with your wife is not to engage in an argument with her. When you sense that things are getting out of hand, let her know what you see is happening and tell her you having nothing further to contribute as you do not wish to fight. Then walk away. She will be pissed but she will know why you're exiting...plus you're being an Alpha.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Hi. I'm John. My wife is a workaholic....

Hi John.

OK, now that we have the introductions done let me remind the esteemed audience of a few facts. 

One, that some people are self-defined by what they do (usually men). 

Two, women of a certain age and good education tend to be more stressed than men later in their career. They see men achieve and get upset why they can't get there (lots of reasons... glass ceiling and all that, politics...) 

Three, there are often cultural reasons behind workaholics (lots more from Asia than from Europe for example) 

Four, some women simply are not interested in the whole parenting thing

Add all these together and you have the OP's case. Or mine. The hard working Dr. Mrs. John seems to think the fate of the universe rests on her shoulders, and works very long hours. Granted, she works from home and has been known to do the dishes or trim the evergreens while the computer at the home office is busy crunching numbers, but the end result is she is putting 12 hour days plus 4-8 each day on weekends. She makes great money, but then I make more than she does and work barely 35 hours a week (French work ethic and all that  tho I'm not French, but I'm from the general vicinity). Then she has the hi-potential stress ("OMG look at such and such he made manager and I have such and such degrees from such and such awesome schools") and the lack of parental instinct. 

If the OP's wife is into technology etc or most any modern knowledge worker position, working long hours is counterproductive. But they don't know that. She needs to understand that unless she's getting paid super wages, working like crazy is simply not paying off financially. Not if you work 60+ hours a week every week. 

These problems don't resolve well, I'm afraid. Ultimately the body gives up. My wife managed to bust both hands thanks to Repetitive Stress Injury, had surgery on one hand to fix a bunch of things, and was back typing 3 hours after surgery. You can't fix stupid. Next month she's getting the other hand fixed. :scratchhead:

Sure enough, she considers me 'lazy' too. Well, yea, I'm lazy, but I'm smart enough to get my work done in far less time...

She'll get the message when she gets sick, hopefully from something easily fixable. Otherwise, they just don't get it.


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## anonim (Apr 24, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> OP said: "and she actually told me she didn't like it because I'm not any good in the sack. (Which is really the one thing you should never say to a guy...)."
> 
> 
> Not even if it is true?
> ...


because its just intended to cause hurt. there's no constructive criticism, no advice to how he can improve. and no opportunity to improve since she wont have sex. He's gonna suck in the sack if he doesnt get the chance to practice regularly.

OP, ask your wife, if sex is important to her. If she says no, ask if she doesn't mind if you have it with someone else.


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

Read His Needs Her Needs.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Outsource. Get a cleaner, gardener etc and then spend your weekends connecting again.

Simply tell her this is how it will be.


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## missus (Jun 19, 2013)

Ok, 
I have an idea that I think might help her work out all the things you are doing and hopefully make her appreciate you. 

I had the idea a while ago to get a jar and some memo notes. Whenever I do something to help our marriage and serve my husband, I put it on a note and it goes into the jar. He does the same if he does something for me. Sometimes it's just "washing up" or whatever - as long as you did it thinking of being helpful to your spouse. 

Why does this help? 

1) You know that your non-lazy deeds are being recorded without you having to shout about them 
2) she/you can review the things at leisure to feel good about your spouse
3) it lets you see what she considers to be things she's doing for the family so you can know to appreciate them; and vice versa. 

Good luck!!


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

removed because clarification was done later.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> Already said I agreed that she said it in a mean spirited way and it should have been handled delicately.
> 
> Also said if it is true, versus just something she said to be mean, then it should be dug back up and discussed.
> 
> ...


Because when you tell someone something as a critique that is delivered in a way that is hurtful, they're not going to want to fix it. Period. If they do, then they are probably in the mindset of allowing themselves to be abused. If she took a different approach, I bet it would get fixed. But I also think at least part of the dissatisfaction in sex is coming from somewhere else.

I know we're only getting the husband's perception of the situation but I see a lot of other issues.

1. I'm sure the wife's self esteem has taken a major hit. Gaining approximately 100lbs is going to affect someone. I gained 50lbs at one point and couldn't stand how I looked and it affected me in many ways, including how much I liked sex. 
2. I'm sure the wife's feelings about sex has changed due to number 1. And she's projecting this back on the husband.
3. They both a lot of issues that need to be worked on.

I'm sorry but they need marriage counseling and frankly some IC as well. There is ZERO chance this relationship survives the way it's going.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

I recommend the book, "The Dance of Anger" by Harriet Lerner. The basic idea is that you and your wife are locked into the same pattern of arguing with each other and it never changes - you are locked into a "dance" - you are inextricably intertwined in this dance. You cannot change her - you can only change yourself - how you speak, what you say, how you react. When you change these things about yourself, you change the dance, so things inevitably change, because she is locked in step with you, and you changed things up.

You need to figure out how to change yourself, to affect change in her. It seems that her perception in this marriage is that you are always the bad guy and never do anything right or good enough. This is where those other books that other posters recommend can help. Doing the 180 and other things to change your perceptions of yourself and no longer listening/arguing/taking the constant BS that your wife dishes out, where you are constantly undermined.

Change yourself and see where that takes you. And after x amount of time, if things are still the same, or haven't changed to make you a happy man again, then you really need to go. Staying for your kid is not a reason to stay. the child totally sees this dysfunctional dynamic and it's not healthy. you think divorce is worse, but it's not.


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