# Step in the right direction?



## pinkjacob (Nov 30, 2012)

Last week my husband was kicked out of his dads house, where he has been living for the last 31/2 months since he left me. They had a huge row and his dad told him to leave. Husband asked if he could stay on my settee for a couple of nights so I said yeah ok.
He works from 9am to about 11.30pm 6 days a week, and had been calling round to see me after work every night for the last month. Anyway, he is still here, on the setee a week later, doesn't seem to be making any effort to find anywhere else, every morning he says, 'I'll see you tonight' 
He had been texting me regularly for a while, but now he rings 4 or 5 times a day at least, whenever he gets a quick break.
He said the other morning, that I didn't have to wait up for him and I could go to bed, but then he rang an hour later asking if I fancied a couple of drinks when he got back that night.

He will ring me to tell me what he's doing, ask how I am, how kids are, etc.
Then he will let me know when he's on his way home, one night he was going to stay for a drink after work, but he rang me and asked if it was ok if he did that. At one point (when we were together) I would probably have gone mad, having a go that he wasn't coming straight home, but I don't do that anymore, so I just assured him it was absolutely fine for him to have a drink and I hoped he had a good time, and I would just see him whenever he got back. He then rang back to ask me if I would like him to pick up a couple of beers on his way back for us, and did I fancy watching a film when he got back?

It was his day off on Wednesday, and his friend came round to the house, we had a couple of drinks and a laugh, then my husband said to his friend that he would have to go cos he was getting really tired, his friend didn't go, so husband said he was going to sleep, his friend left and I got up to go to bed, but husband asked me where I was going, I said bed, he asked if I wanted another drink and maybe we could watch some tv, 2 hours after his friend went home, we finally went to bed ( him on settee lol), seems a bit odd for someone who was so tired they asked there friend to leave!

He does still make the odd comment about what 'he' is saving up for or what 'he' might do in the future, for example this morning he said he might go on holiday, on his own, to somewhere we went together and were planning on going back to.
But then we were talking about Xmas and he suggested we get another snake, going halves on the price, making it 'our' snake.
I said I had already got his present and he wanted to know how much I'd spent so that he could spend the same on me. And slips up calling me by old pet names.

I'm a little confused as to what to do next, I decided a long time ago I was not going to go NC and that I would try the friend route, he has got a lot closer to me, we have both changed, well maybe I've changed more, but he has noticed it and compliments me on it.

Two weeks ago I was really ill, he was really worried, ringing me and texting me every half hour to check on me, then he took the day off just so he could be with me, it resulted in me having to go into hospital, husband took me, stayed with me till I was admitted, then text me every hour to check how I was and to see what was happening. He got all my stuff together for my dad to bring to the hospital for me and was genuinely concerned.

What do I do next, is this a step forward?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Sounds to me like the two of you are getting back together.

How do you feel about that?


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## pinkjacob (Nov 30, 2012)

Hi elegirl,

I love my husband very much, and I know deep down he loves me, unfortunately he is very stubborn, I was talking to his dad the other day when I went to pick up husbands stuff ( yeah the toothbrush is back in my bathroom lol) and even he said that he genuinely believes that my husband knows he has royally f**ked up but has no idea how to get out of it whilst keeping his pride in tact.
I want my husband, my lover and my best friend back, the kids want their daddy back, and things have changed between us, we actually treat each other with respect now, get along very very well, consider each others feelings, all of these things kind of taken for granted when we were together, we both seem to have realised what caused the problems and are both trying to ensure that doesn't happen again, I don't know if this is subconscious on his part or not.

Thing is when he lost his home, he could have stayed at work, but he chose to come 'home', I don't know if Christmas will shake him a bit, he is working all day, but will prob see the kids first thing, then I am going to my families house for the day, he had a bad upbringing, with unhappy christmas's until he met me, and I went out of my way to make it special for him, but not this year, I have got him a couple of presents but the rest of it won't be there for him, if that makes sense?
I'm thinking of getting him something very very subtle, but that is a memory of us, maybe just stupid things really, he used to work with the ambulance service, and I was really proud of him, so I thought maybe get a little toy ambulance? Little things like that, that are funny but mean something without been forceful, ( I'm not going to put a wedding pic in lol) what do you think?


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## pinkjacob (Nov 30, 2012)

Any other advice please? X


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## jdlash (Jun 18, 2012)

He said he is saving for a holiday on his own to a place you both went. He's testing you. He sounds like one of those stubborn types that will never admit things, but simply wants to slowly move back into the two of you getting back together. 

If that's what you want, maybe you could get a good marriage coach and get the marriage where you both want it. Is he open to conversation in regards to the two of you?


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Pink I think him wanting work it out now that he has nowhere else to be says volumes. I would be more inclinded to cross my fingers for you and him if he was trying to get back with you but not because daddy kicked him out.

It seems like the wrong time to get back together. I would not let him stay there. When he's independent and not needing someone to take care of him then that's the time to try to work it out.


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## pinkjacob (Nov 30, 2012)

Thundarr said:


> Pink I think him wanting work it out now that he has nowhere else to be says volumes. I would be more inclinded to cross my fingers for you and him if he was trying to get back with you but not because daddy kicked him out.
> 
> It seems like the wrong time to get back together. I would not let him stay there. When he's independent and not needing someone to take care of him then that's the time to try to work it out.


I do hear what your saying, but he did have other options of places to stay, he didnt have to come here, he could also have very easily avoided been kicked out, but in a way he chose to leave his dads house, I am very aware of how it looks, I really am, and I will not take him back because he has no where else to go, even though he does have other places to go.
I do feel it is a step forward as he is getting closer and closer to me, I am however been very cautious
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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Maybe you could find him a Christmas ornament shaped like an ambulance (it would remind him of both Christmas and when you met); he would have it forever on his trees.


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## pinkjacob (Nov 30, 2012)

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> Maybe you could find him a Christmas ornament shaped like an ambulance (it would remind him of both Christmas and when you met); he would have it forever on his trees.


Hi, yeah that's a good idea, I was going to make up a little box of things for him, we met at a pub called the owl, so I was going to get a little toy owl, just stuff like that, but I don't want to seem too pushy at this 'delicate' point by forcing memories on him, If that makes sense.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## pinkjacob (Nov 30, 2012)

pinkjacob said:


> Hi, yeah that's a good idea, I was going to make up a little box of things for him, we met at a pub called the owl, so I was going to get a little toy owl, just stuff like that, but I don't want to seem too pushy at this 'delicate' point by forcing memories on him, If that makes sense.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_





Dewayne76 said:


> Advice? Um. I don't know about how good it is, but I can tell you as I was reading I didn't like the way he "came back" to you.
> 
> He was kicked from his house, so to me, that makes you a "last resort" thing.
> 
> He could be thinking differently, I don't know... so only thing I can say is be careful.


Hi I agree I need to be careful, however he did have other places he could have stayed, we have been getting closer in the last week he has been here, does still occasionally say things that hurt, for example, he is saving up to buy himself something which makes me feel pessimistic but it is still early days, and thenhe slips up by saying things like he will see me when he gets 'home' 
I got a text off him today, asking me to get his things together as he was going elsewhere, I rang him because it sounded so sudden when he has not made any hint of leaving, it turns out my dad had text him telling him to get out of my house, and to put me and the kids first for once, husband was crying on phone and it took him ages to finally tell me about the text, he apologised for causing me trouble, and for hurting me since we split, I was fuming! I couldn't believe my parents had gone behind my back like that they want me to forget him and will not accept that isn't going to happen, I can't believe they stooped so low, funnily enough they haven't mentioned it to me are just acting normal, I am a grown woman with two kids who can make her own decisions, I have told them this and that if I get hurt that is my choice and a risk I'm taking so could they please back off! They have said if I get back with husband they will cut me out of the will and won't have anything to do with me! I understand they are worried but I'm not going to be blackmailed by them or do something just to make them happy. I have to think of my kids too they want there daddy back, and I know we could give it a damn good shot!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

pinkjacob said:


> Hi I agree I need to be careful, however he did have other places he could have stayed, we have been getting closer in the last week he has been here, does still occasionally say things that hurt, for example, he is saving up to buy himself something which makes me feel pessimistic but it is still early days, and thenhe slips up by saying things like he will see me when he gets 'home'
> I got a text off him today, asking me to get his things together as he was going elsewhere, I rang him because it sounded so sudden when he has not made any hint of leaving, it turns out my dad had text him telling him to get out of my house, and to put me and the kids first for once, husband was crying on phone and it took him ages to finally tell me about the text, he apologised for causing me trouble, and for hurting me since we split, I was fuming! I couldn't believe my parents had gone behind my back like that they want me to forget him and will not accept that isn't going to happen, I can't believe they stooped so low, funnily enough they haven't mentioned it to me are just acting normal, I am a grown woman with two kids who can make her own decisions, I have told them this and that if I get hurt that is my choice and a risk I'm taking so could they please back off! They have said if I get back with husband they will cut me out of the will and won't have anything to do with me! I understand they are worried but I'm not going to be blackmailed by them or do something just to make them happy. I have to think of my kids too they want there daddy back, and I know we could give it a damn good shot!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It's not very complicated. Your parents can only disapprove and choose their own actions based on your choices. If they own the home you live in or are paying rent for you then there's your problem. Any time we are dependent on others for help then we also have to either listen to them or stop being dependant. If they are not helping then it really doesn't matter much what they say except that I assume they love you and are saying this with your best interest at heart.

In regards to your father texting him. Well your father is entitled to his opinion and he is also entitled to communication with whomever he wants to. It was between them unless your father or your husband bring you into it.

In regards to their will. Well it's their property to do with whatever they want. Obviously they must love you so I wouldn't dismiss them thinking your husband is bad for you as devious. Controlling? sure but only if you give them some control. In the end though it's your choice to let your husband stay or not (unless they own the property) and then it's their choice to react however they react.

This stuff is not very difficult or complicated. Your parents have the amount of control that you give them by means of one or more of the following things. Being dependent apon them, respecting their opinion, wanting to be in the will, thinking they have your best interest at heart. Often statements like "I'll take you out of the will" are posturing and not serious but sometimes people mean what they say.


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## pinkjacob (Nov 30, 2012)

Thundarr said:


> It's not very complicated. Your parents can only disapprove and choose their own actions based on your choices. If they own the home you live in or are paying rent for you then there's your problem. Any time we are dependent on others for help then we also have to either listen to them or stop being dependant. If they are not helping then it really doesn't matter much what they say except that I assume they love you and are saying this with your best interest at heart.
> 
> In regards to your father texting him. Well your father is entitled to his opinion and he is also entitled to communication with whomever he wants to. It was between them unless your father or your husband bring you into it.
> 
> ...



Hi, I appreciate your comments, the house is owned by myself and my husband, we bought it together 4 1/2 years ago.
In regards to who my dad can contact I also appreciate that he can contact who he wishes, buti only gave them my husbands new number in case of emergency, I had asked them repeatedly to back off, that I respected they had their own opinions, but that didn't meani had to agree with them, or do as they say just to appease them. My parents have controlled me for as long as I can remember, it is only in the last 6 months I have stood up to them and they do not like it, they know my aim is to reconcile with husband, but they do go out of their way to be nasty to me about it, saying he never loved me anyway and the whole 8 years were a lie, I should just get over it, I'm selfish, my friends don't like me anymore etc, all with the purpose of me agreeing to their opinions.

I know they love me and are probably acting out of concern, but they should also respect MY wishes with regards to my living arrangements and my husband, surely?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

pinkjacob said:


> Hi, I appreciate your comments, the house is owned by myself and my husband, we bought it together 4 1/2 years ago.
> In regards to who my dad can contact I also appreciate that he can contact who he wishes, buti only gave them my husbands new number in case of emergency, I had asked them repeatedly to back off, that I respected they had their own opinions, but that didn't meani had to agree with them, or do as they say just to appease them. My parents have controlled me for as long as I can remember, it is only in the last 6 months I have stood up to them and they do not like it, they know my aim is to reconcile with husband, but they do go out of their way to be nasty to me about it, saying he never loved me anyway and the whole 8 years were a lie, I should just get over it, I'm selfish, my friends don't like me anymore etc, all with the purpose of me agreeing to their opinions.
> 
> I know they love me and are probably acting out of concern, but they should also respect MY wishes with regards to my living arrangements and my husband, surely?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think you have a valid concern to be angry. You gave his number to your dad with specific intent and your dad violated this. Now I understand why it was wrong.


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## pinkjacob (Nov 30, 2012)

Thundarr said:


> I think you have a valid concern to be angry. You gave his number to your dad with specific intent and your dad violated this. Now I understand why it was wrong.


It was genuinely for emergencies only, especially as we have two kids, I had a huge health scare a couple of weeks back after suffering a mini stroke ( I'm only 31) then was taken Into hospital with a suspected bleed on the brain, it made me realise that anything could happen to me so I put in place measures to ensure things were taken care of, my neighbour has a spare car key so she can get car seats, she also has my husbands number and my mum and dads, my mum has her number too, I also wrote three letters, which thankfully haven't had to be sent, one to my kids for when they are older, one to my husband and one to my parents, explaining how much I loved them all but they needed to get on for the kids sake, it just hurts that my parents have taken it upon themselves to go behind my back when I specifically asked them to stay out of it.
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