# Those with sick partners how do you deal with no sex?



## Looking2Change (Jul 24, 2016)

I'm a VERY sexual person and it's pretty much all I think about. I'm not going to lie it's SUPER important to me. That said, my wife has been sick since before Memorial Day and diagnosed with Lyme Disease. She's been on treatment and we're seeing a specialist etc etc.

That said, we haven't had sex basically since then and I'm going out of my mind. She's more or less unwilling to do anything and our sex life has been in a lull for the past 2 years. How do you guys go without having sex? I'm nearing my breaking point and don't know what to do.

We've talked about this and she more or less says I need to just suck it up and deal with it but I don't know that I can much longer. I'm also finding that the longer we go without the less I even want to have any physical contact with her at all.

Stuck between a rock and a hard place.


----------



## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Lots of therapy.

Or chase after a coworker.


----------



## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

I'm afraid there's no magic potion.

use the hand God gave you to take care of yourself.

It might be uncharitable of her to deny you anything, but maybe she has her reasons.

and don't even think about cheating or going outside the marriage.

life deals us tough blows. It could be worse. Make the best of it by taking care of your wife.


----------



## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Oh, i forget to mention zoloft, xanax, and lots of beer. But not all at once.


----------



## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Post in the caregivers thread. This has been a topic to discuss. We need a second guy there.


----------



## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Looking2Change said:


> ....She's more or less unwilling to do anything and our sex life has been in a lull for the past 2 years. How do you guys go without having sex? I'm nearing my breaking point and don't know what to do.
> 
> We've talked about this and she more or less says I need to just suck it up and deal with it but I don't know that I can much longer. I'm also finding that the longer we go without the less I even want to have any physical contact with her at all.
> 
> Stuck between a rock and a hard place.


Been there done that in a Sex Starved Marriage. In my case my wife didn't have an obvious excuse like illness. OK, a couple of thoughts.

First get the book the Sex Starved marriage by MW Davis. Get the book by Glover, No More Mr. Nice Guy. Read them and study them. The take responsibility for your life and your happiness. Do some physical and cultural things that will bring you happiness. Take up running, hiking, skiing, scuba diving, mountain climbing, body bulding, weight lifting, biking. Do something that makes you feel good about yourself and makes you more attractive to your wife. 

Keep it in your pants around other women and if worst comes to worst, get the two of you to a sex therapist.

Lyme Disease is horrible. Use this as an opportunity to work on making you a better person. Yes, not having sex is really hard, but being socially connected is even more important. You sound like you need sex to feel emotionally validated by your wife. That can be a sign of co-dependence. Right now she may not have a lot of energy or inclination to take care of your emotional needs. 

Sure hugging and a quick HJ or BJ might give you the "fix" you need, but she just might not be up for it. Nothing wrong with masturbating. Nothing wrong with spending time just having the two of each other hold each other. Maybe she can hold you while you masturbate. Tell her that you want her to be part of your sex life and you don't want to hide your sexuality from her as you not ashamed of it. Tell her that you understand that she may not have the energy or have aches and pains that prevent her from doing things she use to do, but you still are a sexual being and want to feel some emotional closeness to her and some intimacy, even if it isn't PIV. See what she can suggest as to something that both of you might enjoy. Maybe it is limited to her talking dirty to you while you masturbate. There are always options if both are willing to talk and be honest with each other.

Good luck.


----------



## Looking2Change (Jul 24, 2016)

It's really hard. Like I said the longer I go the less I desire her. Almost to the point that I don't even know if I want to have sex with her any longer. A lot has been going on in our relationship over the past few years and been back and forth. I'm super frustrated. I know everyone here is saying not to go outside the marriage but it's getting harder and harder not to.

As for going to the gym etc. I'm already a gym rat and lift, train MMA etc. I have a shoulder injury so training has been difficult as well. I just recently bought a sick sports car so I've been spending time driving that around but just sick of doing things by myself. I'm going to Vegas at the beginning of November to the SEMA show so that will be great but prob. a lot of temptation at the same time.


----------



## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Any hot girls at SEMA?


----------



## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@Looking2Change

You keep asking the same question over and over in different threads in different places on the forum. Here's reality: your wife is ill. Good, bad or otherwise, she doesn't feel like having sex with you and may not feel like it for A WHILE. 

So you can choose to stay knowing that she may not feel like having sex for a long time. 

Or you can choose to go because sex is important to you and you do not wish to be with a partner who will not have sex. 

It is JUST THAT SIMPLE. 

What I don't understand is why you keep making new threads to ask the say thing over and over. the answer isn't going to change. You aren't going to find some magic words to make her want to have sex with you several times a day. It is what it is. 

So you can CHOOSE to stay...or CHOOSE to go. 

If you choose to stay knowing that she is ill and not feeling up to sex, then don't complain. You made the choice to stay, fully aware of the situation. Benefit=honoring your vow, staying with this woman. Cost=probably no sex life.

If you choose to go knowing that you are leaving a spouse who's ill, then don't complain. You made the choice to pursue a full and active sex life, fully aware of the situation. Benefit=finding a partner willing to have sex several times a day. Cost=losing this woman. 

M-kay?


----------



## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Looking2Change said:


> I'm a VERY sexual person and it's pretty much all I think about. I'm not going to lie it's SUPER important to me. That said, my wife has been sick since before Memorial Day and diagnosed with Lyme Disease. She's been on treatment and we're seeing a specialist etc etc.
> 
> That said, we haven't had sex basically since then and I'm going out of my mind. She's more or less unwilling to do anything and our sex life has been in a lull for the past 2 years. How do you guys go without having sex? I'm nearing my breaking point and don't know what to do.
> 
> ...


I think she could be using it as an excuse not to have sex because she's either upset with you for some reason, or no longer into you. It IS an excuse - there is NO valid reason to deny sex even with this illness, IMO. I know, because I've lived through identical illnesses - and worse - for years.

My wife had Lyme disease for 8 damn years before we finally found a specialist who would treat it correctly, after dozens of specialists and erroneous diagnoses. She had flu-like symptoms every few days, nerve damage, severe joint pain, back pain, heart damage, retina damage, she had to use a cane for a couple of years, and near the end was having auditory hallucinations because it had gotten into her brain. *We literally had sex every day during those years.* It was highly beneficial for her, it helped relieve pain and gave her something to look forward to. It's a mindset - your gf does not have the mindset, so she uses the illness as an out.

Later, my wife had a bad back injury. Still sex almost every day. Then cancer - sex every day. Another, far more severe back injury requiring two surgeries. Yes, you guessed it: sex almost every day (we just had to be more careful).


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Looking2Change said:


> How do you guys go without having sex?


Occasionally my wife will travel overseas with our children to spend the summer for up to two/three months with her family while I have to remain behind at home and work.

I find that being extremely creative and coming up new ways to masturbate serves as a good outlet for my sexual tension, AND I often learn some fun stuff. My favorite is to devise hands free solutions! 

One day while home alone I start looking at the bubble wands in the fish tank:










Then I though to myself, that I could fit something similar into my mayonnaise-jar-sized penis pump that I made from a mayonnaise jar kind of like this one:










Then I thought to myself that my fish will be OK for an afternoon without their air pump:










After I worked out how to create a nice seal for my awesome penis aquarium, I then asked myself, hmmmm I wonder if perhaps a fluid with higher viscosity with create a better sensation since the bubbles will be bigger and move slower, kind of like a lava lamp. So I filled it with honey! 










Wait a minute here @badsanta did I actually do this? No, but I really enjoyed day dreaming about of this idea to the point that I might actually try it out one day!

Cheers, 
Badsanta


----------



## heartbroken50 (Aug 9, 2016)

My H has been battling stage 4 colon cancer for almost 2 years... in that time he had 2 major and 1 minor surgeries that had him laid up for months, and almost a full year of chemotherapy. Sex is also very important to both of us so I totally get that! 

When he was completely unable while recovering from surgery, we would just cuddle the best we could without hurting him... usually I would spoon him from behind since he had an incredibly large incision from chest to groin... As he healed we just had to be careful, but were able to have some sort of sexual contact at least a few times a week, sometimes everyday. In the beginning maybe he would just stroke my thigh while I took care of myself and would talk sexy to me. then we gradually added activities back in as he was able... mutual masturbation, oral, etc. For us in addition to something that was always a big part of our relationship, it was also very life-affirming. 

When he was going through chemo and had no energy? I did all the work... we had to make a few adjustments, like using condoms and not ingesting semen since chemo is transferred, but other than that we still did what we liked to do. He actually looked forward to having more BJs that week because it was easier for me to do all the work that way. 

If sex is completely off the table right now, how about just making her feel good with a back rub or full body massage? That can sometimes lead to more... any physical contact that makes her feel good or eases pain might help since it feels good but also removes the pressure to "perform."

Check the side effects of any medications she's taking... many can affect libido and ability to orgasm, and there are often alternatives available. Don't be afraid to ask her doctor if this is normal, and if anything can be done to help. 

What age is she? I am 46 and already starting peri-menopause... This can also affect libido in either direction....My desire actually skyrocketed, but many women have severe drops. If she's over 40 it's worth having her hormone levels checked.

Just some initial thoughts for you... 

Other than that:
don't push
don't cheat
and join the caregiver's thread :grin2:


----------



## john117 (May 20, 2013)

blueinbr said:


> Any hot girls at SEMA?


Yes.

Better than the Mid-America Trucking Show


----------



## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

I'm with #affaircare

Why the heck do you keep posting the same question over and over?
You want to go out and bang some other chicks while your wife is gravely ill.
You want us to cheer you on. 
Oops...not a Pom Pom in sight.


----------



## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

...


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Your issue isn't sex - it's that your wife just tolerates you for financial support.

She wasn't sleeping with you very much BEFORE she got sick. 

You two are totally incompatible. 

If you want suggestions - you need to commit to sticking with ONE thread.




Looking2Change said:


> I'm a VERY sexual person and it's pretty much all I think about. I'm not going to lie it's SUPER important to me. That said, my wife has been sick since before Memorial Day and diagnosed with Lyme Disease. She's been on treatment and we're seeing a specialist etc etc.
> 
> That said, we haven't had sex basically since then and I'm going out of my mind. She's more or less unwilling to do anything and our sex life has been in a lull for the past 2 years. How do you guys go without having sex? I'm nearing my breaking point and don't know what to do.
> 
> ...


----------



## Begin again (Jul 4, 2016)

badsanta said:


> Occasionally my wife will travel overseas with our children to spend the summer for up to two/three months with her family while I have to remain behind at home and work.
> 
> I find that being extremely creative and coming up new ways to masturbate serves as a good outlet for my sexual tension, AND I often learn some fun stuff. My favorite is to devise hands free solutions!
> 
> ...


You crack me up. And scare me just a bit. Mostly the former.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## wantshelp (Mar 10, 2016)

Personal said:


> If you are going to have sex with another woman or other women, it might be a good idea to get yourself tested, since Lyme disease can be transmitted sexually.


 I thought he said he hasn't had sex since her diagnosis. Always a good idea to be sure though.


----------



## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

wantshelp said:


> I thought he said he hasn't had sex since her diagnosis. Always a good idea to be sure though.




She was probably infected and contagious before diagnosis, but they were mostly sexless before May anyway.


----------



## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Personal said:


> If you are going to have sex with another woman or other women, it might be a good idea to get yourself tested, since Lyme disease can be transmitted sexually.


*False.
*


> "There is no epidemiological evidence or biological foundation for this allegation, yet I've seen a number of patients who believe that they have contracted Lyme disease from a sexual encounter," says Dr. Gary P. Wormser, lead author of Lyme guidelines published by the Infectious Diseases Society of America.


And:


> Sadly, the observations of Middleveen et al.(1) have already generated an inordinate amount of fear and anxiety within the lay community due to sensationalized reports of its unconfirmed findings by an uncritical - and often naïve - press.


from http://www.aldf.com/pdf/Letter_to_the_editor_of_AFMR_for_ALDF_website_3.10.14.pdf


----------



## wantshelp (Mar 10, 2016)

This is a tough situation, no question. Many of us can relate to a certain extent. My wife could physically have sex, but refused for a variety of contrived reasons because she was depressed -- for a decade+. It's difficult to rationalize your life when you got married for the affection, love, and connection and an illness is robbing you of that, through no fault of your own. And possibly no fault of your partner. If the roles were reversed, I think I would give my partner a hall pass and sex toys and at least talk dirty or watch porn together or try to help some. I think the complete shutdown of your partner is selfish, but simultaneously, difficult to criticize. I don't think anyone can know what your wife is experiencing. At the very least, you should be getting the best doctors in the country and flying her out to be seen by them. You have to get her the BEST treatment in the country, because this illness is killing you both. I also think that when she sees how hard you are fighting for her, she'll come around and make more effort (if she really loves you).


----------



## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

So.... I am going to bet my bottom dollar that the lack of sex is not just a result of her illness but that makes for a convenient reason for her to say. I am going to further bet my bottom dollar that she senses that you are not very into her from a loving standpoint and that you are already ready to leave and that the only reason you haven't is because you would look like a heel leaving when she is sick. You have 2 choices. Blow up the status quo and drag her fanny into counseling. Find out if she has checked out. Or leave.


----------



## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

I take the whole "in sickness and in health" pledge very seriously. Hopefully this is something i don't have to deal with, but if I do I sure hope they have worked out the kinks with Sexbots + VR :grin2:


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

EllisRedding said:


> I take the whole "in sickness and in health" pledge very seriously. Hopefully this is something i don't have to deal with, but if I do I sure hope they have worked out the kinks with Sexbots + VR :grin2:




Some people interpret it as 'love honor and cherish whether you're sick or healthy'. I think of it as 'love honor and cherish whether I'm sick or healthy'. Goes to exactly who is breaking vows here.


----------



## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

His wife has a chronic yeast infection for months from the antibiotic treatment for the Lyme Disease.

Ever had sex with a raging yeast infection?

It's beyond something that you should subject your partner to. Even without having sex, a yeast infection can irritate tissues so much that it just bleeds from the irritation.


----------



## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

If the op would stick to one thread people would know this.


----------



## wantshelp (Mar 10, 2016)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Some people interpret it as 'love honor and cherish whether you're sick or healthy'. I think of it as 'love honor and cherish whether I'm sick or healthy'. Goes to exactly who is breaking vows here.


Wow, I never looked at it that way... I totally think I interpreted that vow the second way and my wife interpreted it the first way. Yet another failure of communication in my marriage.


----------



## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Also, in one of his threads he stated they had an awesome talk about things they would work on together going forward and a recommitment to the marriage.

Now, again, he can't wait due to the lack of sex while she recovers from Lyme and a chronic yeast infection.

It's like reading about a ping pong ball.


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

They were sexless long before Lyme. Long before the yeast infections. The illness is a red herring.


----------



## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

WorkingOnMe said:


> They were sexless long before Lyme. Long before the yeast infections. The illness is a red herring.


No they weren't sexless before the Lyme.


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

He said very low sex for 2 years. 10 or less per year is sexless.


----------



## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

WorkingOnMe said:


> He said very low sex for 2 years. 10 or less per year is sexless.


He didn't define "low."


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Oh brother. I get it. She's sick and a sympathetic person because of her illness. Poor thing.


----------



## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Livvie said:


> No they weren't sexless before the Lyme.




Sex was way down the last two years. Read his initial post and his other threads.


----------



## Looking2Change (Jul 24, 2016)

Livvie said:


> No they weren't sexless before the Lyme.


Yes, we were. The past 2 years have been pretty dry and a cause for major conflict.


----------



## Looking2Change (Jul 24, 2016)

Along with all this going on my father has been hospitalized for the past several weeks. He's now in the ICU fighting for his life. How many times has she visited him? ZERO


----------



## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Is she too sick to visit him?


----------



## Looking2Change (Jul 24, 2016)

Livvie said:


> No they weren't sexless before the Lyme.





blueinbr said:


> Is she too sick to visit him?


No, she is MORE THAN CAPABLE. She's been going camping every weekend and swimming etc. She's fine.


----------



## Looking2Change (Jul 24, 2016)

I'm at a stress level that I've never experienced before. The buildout for my new facility just got hit with an additional $40,000 that I have no idea where I'm going to get it from. On top of that my wife and father are both sick. There are a lot of things going on and this month is challenging my strength to say the least.

My dad got sent to the ECU last night and it's been very emotional. You would think she would ask how I was doing??? NOPE. I explained to her that I'm stressed out and she just tried to turn it around on me. I'm more or less just detaching myself from her trying to get thru this month. I'm still not sure if I'm going to even try to work things out with her but the longer this goes on the less I want to be with her.

I just don't want to be 80 years old and look back and have my biggest regret was wasting too many years with someone that I'm no longer compatible with.


----------



## Looking2Change (Jul 24, 2016)

I think what everyone thinks here is that she is on deaths doorstep. That is the furthest from the truth. She fluctuations between being 80-90%. She complains about EVERYTHING and has for over 10 years. Not a day has gone by within the past 10 years where she wasn't complaining about a headache, back pain, etc.

I truly feel that she does love me but just doesn't want a physical relationship and this is her excuse not to. I've been questioning if I still love her for the past 2 years and I honestly can't answer if I do or not.


----------



## heartbroken50 (Aug 9, 2016)

Looking2Change said:


> I'm at a stress level that I've never experienced before. The buildout for my new facility just got hit with an additional $40,000 that I have no idea where I'm going to get it from. On top of that my wife and father are both sick. There are a lot of things going on and this month is challenging my strength to say the least.
> 
> My dad got sent to the ECU last night and it's been very emotional. You would think she would ask how I was doing??? NOPE. I explained to her that I'm stressed out and she just tried to turn it around on me. I'm more or less just detaching myself from her trying to get thru this month. I'm still not sure if I'm going to even try to work things out with her but the longer this goes on the less I want to be with her.
> 
> I just don't want to be 80 years old and look back and have my biggest regret was wasting too many years with someone that I'm no longer compatible with.


I'm sorry for what you're going through. I know what it's like to live under the kind of stress caused by being pulled in several directions by multiple sick family members. It's incredibly draining and when your own needs are not being met it's frustrating to say the least. We've also had our fair share of financial hardships.

I know for my H and I sex has been an outlet for that stress, so I can only imagine how much harder going through all we have would be without that. I'm struggling now that my H is sleeping downstairs, I cannot imagine going without it as long as you have and still maintaining any sanity. 

May I ask how often you discuss your needs with your wife and how you approach her? Is she depressed or on medications that might affect her libido? IMO, if she can go camping she should be physically be able to have some sort of sex, so there must be more to why she isn't willing. Have you asked her if she has any needs you aren't meeting? Is it possible she's trying to punish you for something by withholding the sex?

As for your visiting your dad, do they normally get along? If they aren't mortal enemies and you have a good relationship with him, I would tell her how much it would mean to you for her to make that effort. That would seriously bother me as well.


----------



## Looking2Change (Jul 24, 2016)

heartbroken50 said:


> I'm sorry for what you're going through. I know what it's like to live under the kind of stress caused by being pulled in several directions by multiple sick family members. It's incredibly draining and when your own needs are not being met it's frustrating to say the least. We've also had our fair share of financial hardships.
> 
> I know for my H and I sex has been an outlet for that stress, so I can only imagine how much harder going through all we have would be without that. I'm struggling now that my H is sleeping downstairs, I cannot imagine going without it as long as you have and still maintaining any sanity.
> 
> ...



I've tried every single approach I could muster up. If I start it from an emotional standpoint and just say that I'm sad that we haven't been connecting she turns it on me. and makes comments : "this is who I am and I try my best"

If I come at it out of anger.... Same response. If I come at it from a questioning standpoint where I ask her what's important to her she won't answer it. She will basically say, I don't know why do you want to know? 

I read His Needs Her Needs and felt the book was written about us. I explained to her that I really thought she should read it as well and we would both better understand each others needs. She basically yelled at me stating that she doesn't need a book to tell her how to live.

She's very close minded and not really up for anything. She's more than capable of having sex. I honestly believe the yeast infection "concern" is a lie. Her doctor put her on something else that would completely prevent it from reoccurring. She did get 2 since being on antibiotics but they cleared up in a day after taking the pill for it.

This issue goes way beyond the Lyme Disease. It is almost like the Lyme Disease was brought into this relationship to wake up the real issues happening.


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

This is not about sex. If you had sex, would you be happy even if every other aspect of the marriage were the same? 

I think you are asking the same question repeatedly because you have no plan for the future. Even with your wife's illness, you can plan for the future. You have a number of acute problems and some chronic that require your attention. 

Why not calm down and form a plan with short and longterm goals. I think having a roadmap for the future will give you hope and something that you look forward to. The urgency of your sexual frustration will likely decrease if you can see an end. You have control over where your life is going. 

There are good reasons that you may not be able to leave the marriage now. Your fathers grave illness and your wife chronic illness and your children. But what if you had a timeline, task that you want to achieve and a fixed time where you review where you are and plan from there. 

Make a plan and use this thread to get assistance. Leave the b!tch is no answer. Pull out all of the stops to get your wife to invest in the marriage. MC and IC for you would help. I think you have tried on your own but this needs professional help. Then you are sure you did everything you could to succeed. 

Decide how much time you will give it and what you want to accomplish at fixed time points. Make sure you plan for your children and work on a close relationship with them. Work on yourself so that you are the best partner you can be. This is a skill you carry with you wherever you go.


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

The yeast infections - she can also take probiotics every day. If she likes yogurt, she should eat every day.


----------



## heartbroken50 (Aug 9, 2016)

Catherine602 said:


> This is not about sex. If you had sex, would you be happy even if every other aspect of the marriage were the same?


 @Catherine602 is right... the lack of sex is just the symptom of the problem that you notice the most. There has to be more going on here.


----------



## Looking2Change (Jul 24, 2016)

heartbroken50 said:


> @Catherine602 is right... the lack of sex is just the symptom of the problem that you notice the most. There has to be more going on here.


There is a BOAT-LOAD going on. The lack of sex is the most frustrating though to be totally honest.


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

@Looking2Change That's why you really need to sit down and think of what you need to do. Right now you are overwhelmed but if you look at your problems in categories, they will be more manageable. Acute, chronic and moderate. Make a list. Some are solvable some are not. Prioritized solutions. 

You can't do everything at once but you can tackle even the most complex set of issues if you break them down into manageable chunks.


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Looking2Change said:


> I've tried every single approach I could muster up.


I don't think this is true. Not even close. Have you tried telling her that no sex is a deal breaker and calling a lawyer? Have you tried moving out to a motel for a couple weeks? Have you seriously disrupted the relationship?


----------



## Looking2Change (Jul 24, 2016)

WorkingOnMe said:


> I don't think this is true. Not even close. Have you tried telling her that no sex is a deal breaker and calling a lawyer? Have you tried moving out to a motel for a couple weeks? Have you seriously disrupted the relationship?


I sure have. I actually moved out last year for about 2 weeks. Things got better when I came back. I also started divorce filings earlier this year. I've been nice, I've been a jerk, I've been neutral, I've been committed, I've been distant, I've been accommodating, and right now I'm just being distant working on my own things.

She blew up at me this morning for who knows what. I just ignored her. She left for work and didn't even say she was leaving. At this point I'm going to simply focus on getting into insane shape again, working on the buildout and move of my business, and helping my dad get healthier.

After the move and buildout is complete I will focus on what I'm doing with the relationship but more and more I'm leaning towards leaving. I honestly don't think things will ever improve and I'm not willing to live like this.


----------



## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Looking2Change said:


> She left for work and didn't even say she was leaving.


If she is able to hold down a job despite Lyme disease, then I don't think it's that severe. My wife was too sick to function much of the time, often wasn't even well enough to drive more than a couple of miles - she was on disability for many years because of it. So, your marital/sexual problems aren't due to her illness.

Anyway, it sounds like you have a plan to exit, which is probably the best goal.


----------



## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Honestly, there is a reason people should stick to one thread (OP has had different usernames too).

In one of the other threads we learn that makeup and beauty are the OPs first and biggest need. He is looking at pics of ex gf because she is so beautiful and that is a huge need of his, and has an active online dating profile, and he is already planning on how he will pre screen potential dates in the future based on if they are wearing makeup in their pics.

It's hard to give marriage advice without the whole picture.

His wife is most assuredly picking up on this vibe from him. He's not into her and she senses it and acts accordingly. Skews the advice he could be getting. She also told him she wants to feel safe financially for the family and currently doesn't. There's a lot more going on not disclosed in THIS thread.


----------



## Looking2Change (Jul 24, 2016)

Livvie said:


> Honestly, there is a reason people should stick to one thread (OP has had different usernames too).
> 
> In one of the other threads we learn that makeup and beauty are the OPs first and biggest need. He is looking at pics of ex gf because she is so beautiful and that is a huge need of his, and has an active online dating profile, and he is already planning on how he will pre screen potential dates in the future based on if they are wearing makeup in their pics.
> 
> ...


This makes me such a horrible person I know. *Sarcasm*

If you've felt the way I do for the past several years you would either leave or change your tune.


----------



## Looking2Change (Jul 24, 2016)

Married but Happy said:


> If she is able to hold down a job despite Lyme disease, then I don't think it's that severe. My wife was too sick to function much of the time, often wasn't even well enough to drive more than a couple of miles - she was on disability for many years because of it. So, your marital/sexual problems aren't due to her illness.
> 
> Anyway, it sounds like you have a plan to exit, which is probably the best goal.


 
I agree 100%. I wish it was easier to be totally honest. I wish we could fix things and go back to how things were a few years ago. We were very happy together but over the past few years we've become more of roommates than husband and wife. I guess in the back of my mind I hold out hoping things can return to how they were but I'm not sure they can.

Depending on the time of day I feel that I do or don't love her. Right now I feel that I do but this morning I felt like I don't. It's so crazy. I've never been so indecisive in all my life.


----------



## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Looking2Change said:


> I agree 100%. I wish it was easier to be totally honest. I wish we could fix things and go back to how things were a few years ago. We were very happy together but over the past few years we've become more of roommates than husband and wife. I guess in the back of my mind I hold out hoping things can return to how they were but I'm not sure they can.
> 
> Depending on the time of day I feel that I do or don't love her. Right now I feel that I do but this morning I felt like I don't. It's so crazy. I've never been so indecisive in all my life.


I was indecisive for a long time in my first marriage. I kept hoping for positive change, and did all I could to encourage that - but it didn't happen on her side. There was also fear of the unknown; at least I knew how to navigate the mess I was in. Eventually, clarity came, hope was gone, as was fear, and I moved decisively to get out of a bad situation. Then I moved decisively to date and make a better life - and did - even with all her health challenges, this relationship has exceeded all my hopes and expectations.


----------



## Looking2Change (Jul 24, 2016)

I'm gone all day and been crazy busy. I finish work and then go visit my dad in the ICU. (thank god he's doing better) Anyways, I get in around 8pm. I open the door and I hear my wife arguing with my son. I'm not even 2 feet into the house and my wife starts yelling at me to come deal with my son. WTF... Be a mother. I'm not even in the house and the door isn't even shut behind me and she's screaming at me to deal with him and put him to bed. Welcome home honey. As I'm sitting next to her in bed right now as I type this I just don't even want to be here.


----------



## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Looking2Change said:


> I'm gone all day and been crazy busy. I finish work and then go visit my dad in the ICU. (thank god he's doing better) Anyways, I get in around 8pm. I open the door and I hear my wife arguing with my son. I'm not even 2 feet into the house and my wife starts yelling at me to come deal with my son. WTF... Be a mother. I'm not even in the house and the door isn't even shut behind me and she's screaming at me to deal with him and put him to bed. Welcome home honey. As I'm sitting next to her in bed right now as I type this I just don't even want to be here.




Did you ask her how she is feeling? Did you kiss and hug her when you came home?


----------



## Looking2Change (Jul 24, 2016)

blueinbr said:


> Did you ask her how she is feeling? Did you kiss and hug her when you came home?


How could I when I was being yelled at before I even fully got in the house?


----------



## Looking2Change (Jul 24, 2016)

We had a nice blowout tonight. There is only so much I can take and I've reached my breaking point. I told her everything going on and how I can no longer live like this. I told her that she has never supported me and everything in this relationship has been about her and not about us. I can't be in a relationship where I haven't gone on a date in over 2 years and where my partner thinks that's fine. I understand she is sick NOW but what about the past several years? We haven't had sex for months yet she can work full-time, go swimming, and camping. I'm calling B.S. on that. It's all an excuse. She likes the convenience of having me around but is not willing to put the time into making me happy. 

She hasn't supported me at all during this entire time my dad has been hospitalized. I will prob. be moving out this weekend and living at my dads house for the next few weeks to try to sort things out and figure out where to go next.


----------



## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

I'll trade you.


----------



## Looking2Change (Jul 24, 2016)

blueinbr said:


> I'll trade you.


Whacha Got????


----------



## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

Put a fork in this marriage, its done.


----------



## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Bobby5000 said:


> Put a fork in this marriage, its done.


^^^^^ This ^^^^^^

You started divorce proceedings in the past, so why did you stop?

Time to STOP the bleeding. Jeez.


----------



## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

He wont leave.


----------



## Looking2Change (Jul 24, 2016)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> ^^^^^ This ^^^^^^
> 
> You started divorce proceedings in the past, so why did you stop?
> 
> Time to STOP the bleeding. Jeez.


I don't know. I pull away and then get sucked back in. 2 years ago things were awesome. We used to do things for the most part and we had a relationship. It wasn't perfect but I was really happy. I'm afraid to leave because I'm always hoping things will get better. I'm not afraid about being alone as I know I will be able to start dating. I'm afraid I will leave and always regret leaving and I'm afraid to stay and regret staying.

I woke up this morning and didn't want to leave, then we got into a fight, and I wanted to leave, then we talked and now I don't want to. WTF....

I'm not an indecisive person either but in this relationship I am.


----------



## Looking2Change (Jul 24, 2016)

She said this morning the reason we're not having sex is because of the excessive yeast. She said she doesn't talk about it because it's so disgusting. She doesn't want to turn me off and to never be able to look at her the same. She said she also has Thrush which is yeast in the mouth. Her Lyme specialist put her on something that should cure that but it takes a few weeks. We talked about counseling and for once she said she might consider it. This is something she's never said before.


UGH, why is this so difficult?


----------



## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Tell her to talk to her doctor about Diflucan, generic is fluconazole. It is an antifungal. My wife is taking that for three months because she is on steroids. It works.


----------



## Looking2Change (Jul 24, 2016)

blueinbr said:


> Tell her to talk to her doctor about Diflucan, generic is fluconazole. It is an antifungal. My wife is taking that for three months because she is on steroids. It works.


She's taken that 3 times and it clears it up but it just comes right back. Antibiotics suck.


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Looking2Change said:


> UGH, why is this so difficult?



Because you're a sucker and life is hard when you're a sucker.


----------



## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Looking2Change said:


> She's taken that 3 times and it clears it up but it just comes right back. Antibiotics suck.




W takes a daily pill, not just a treatment.


----------



## Looking2Change (Jul 24, 2016)

blueinbr said:


> W takes a daily pill, not just a treatment.


Interesting. My wife had it as a one time pill. I'm not sure what she's taking now and not sure how it works.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

How long has she been on antibiotics for Lyme? How long is she expected to remain on them? The only thing that finally cured my wife was two six-week rounds of intravenous antibiotics delivered via an implanted picc line (the strength of the meds required this to avoid vein damage). Oral antibiotics were not sufficient for entrenched Lyme.


----------



## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Looking2Change said:


> Interesting. My wife had it as a one time pill. I'm not sure what she's taking now and not sure how it works.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_




She probably took the single dose 150 mg. Walmart sells it for $4 with prescription. They work but if you keep taking antibiotics the yeast will come back. My wife is taking prednisone for 3 months. That weakens the immune system and makes her susceptible to yeast and thrush so she has to take a 100 mg pill daily for 3 months. It works. PM me what she is taking. I have a professional background with certain antifungal pharmaceuticals along with a lot of personal knowledge. 

If the name ends in "azole" it is typically an antifungal.


----------



## Looking2Change (Jul 24, 2016)

blueinbr said:


> She probably took the single dose 150 mg. Walmart sells it for $4 with prescription. They work but if you keep taking antibiotics the yeast will come back. My wife is taking prednisone for 3 months. That weakens the immune system and makes her susceptible to yeast and thrush so she has to take a 100 mg pill daily for 3 months. It works. PM me what she is taking. I have a professional background with certain antifungal pharmaceuticals along with a lot of personal knowledge.
> 
> If the name ends in "azole" it is typically an antifungal.


She started taking Nystatin for the yeast problem. Not sure how good it works but hopefully it clears this mess up. Today my wife has really been trying to make me happy. I was talking to her and saying how my 5 year plan includes buying a Lamborghini. Normally she tries to say that it is a stupid goal and that she doesn't think it's realistic. Tonight she said she understood why I want one and that if I work hard and smart enough it could def. be a reality and that it's not an unrealistic goal.

It's not about material things but more about the support or lack of support that I get from her. I will take it with a grain of salt but the reality is that I can't leave until my buildout is completed and we are moved into the new location for my business. When that is done and the stress goes down a bit then I can make an accurate decision on what to do with this relationship.

In the meantime I hope I can be strong enough to deal with all of this.


----------

