# Just when I am feeling stronger w/o him...



## FML2011 (Sep 21, 2011)

He's coming around. I asked him to leave about a week and half ago after I found him at the OW condo one morning. She flew back from abroad, after being gone for a month, and he picked her up at the airport and spent the night with her. I told him he needed to leave and go be happy with her (I referred to 'Just let them go'). He said he was in love with her and wanted to be with her but didn't want to live with her. I told him he needed to leave, right that minute. The first week was rough. He would come by to see the kids and it was really difficult. The first time he came I burst into tears seeing my family sit at the kitchen table. knowing it was falling apart. The next 2 times I had him babysit so I left when he arrived and he would leave when I came home - but still uncomfortable. The few times we did talk, he would say he doesn't want to be with her, doesn't want to be with anyone, needs to be by himself for awhile. I told him 'great, I just want you to be happy - I need my space too'...but it was still hard. The last time he babysat, I told him he needed to stay away for a few days. He could text me if he wanted to say goodnight to the kids and I would have them call (he only did this once). Having my space from him gave me strength and I have been feeling SO much better. I haven't looked at phone bills or emails. The only snooping was accidental when I pulled up to Starbucks and saw his car there - which happens to be 2 blocks from her condo (the condo is within a few blocks of our house).

So 4 days passed and I had an event after work so had him relieve the nanny and then I came home late. I felt anxious pulling into our driveway, but once I came in the house and saw him...I felt nothing. None of the dread I had been feeling the past week, none of the sad emotion. He looked horrible, we talked for a few minutes and he said that she was at the condo (did I mention both of their names are on this condo lease?) and he didn't want to be there so could he stay the night here. I said fine, sleep in the guest room. It was our daughters 2nd birthday the next day so it would be nice for him to be there when she woke anyway. I told him to lock up and I was going to bed. He then proceeded to move his car out of the driveway and park it a few blocks away - which is what he does when he stays at the condo (thinking I won't see it). So obviously he doesn't want her to know he was staying here :liar:

Our daughters birthday was the next day and we had a little cake for her in the evening and then we put the kids to bed. I'm actually having a party for her tomorrow which he knows he is not welcome at. So he stayed a few minutes and talked as I started packing boxes for my move in a couple of weeks. I told him we should start talking about the move - what day, what to put into storage, yadda, yadda. He has to be involved in the move since he financially supports us. I mentioned I wanted to buy a new bed because I didn't want 'our' bed anymore. He asked why and I gave him a look like *really* - why the F would I want our marital bed?? Then he says something to effect of 'how do you know I am not moving *with* you?' WTF? He says it over with OW and he just has to tie up loose ends (condo, car). I have the feeling he thinks that if he ends everything with her, than he can just come back and we can begin working on our marriage. But I'm not there yet. I am not ready to work on our marriage. He still has a serious pill addiction as well.

When I first found out about the A, I was all for working our marriage, felt I was still in love with him...but then over the next 2.5 months I kept finding our more and more. I kept drawing lines in the sand and he kept crossing them. I was too weak to do a 180 or Just Let Him Go. But now that I have had some space, I have gained clarity. I realize I was in love with the man he used to be, not the man he has been for the past 2 yrs. I do love and care for him deeply but I need more. So in addition to thinking he's moving with us, he kisses me on the forehead before he leaves (after seeing the kids), asked if he could have a hug today. We actually had a nice, functional day today taking the kids to their school Halloween carnival - something he hasn't attended with us for 2 years. He has been very attentive and willing to do anything I need as far as taking care of the kids - another thing he hasn't done for the past 2 yrs. Why he is all of the sudden 'coming around'? It hasn't even been 2 weeks since he's been out of the house. He claimed to be so in love with the OW so part of me thinks he is still trying to play us both. Also, I am feeling so great, so strong...am I just in shock? Is it a phase? I don't want to go back to the way I was feeling - miserable, lonely, etc.


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## onthefence16 (Aug 21, 2011)

WOW...hang in there be strong...he sees that you are moving forward and he can't handle it....keep moving forward and your marriage may actually get better...I wouldn't let him move with me either...He has to prove to you that he is devoted to you and you only.....My H is living at home, I work out of state, we are still together but don't live together. I go home in a few weeks for a week then off to another place....I don't know what I am doing right now...He does know that I am almost ready to end it though and is starting to do the turn around...but I am very leary and still don't trust a word he says....and neither should you....I am just hanging in there to see how it goes.....


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Ya, he's playing you both.
Until he can park his car infront of the marital home, with pride and confidence, he has no remorse.

He should be telling the OW to screw off in front of you and NC. there should be no reason to hide his damb car.....that's b~llsh~t!

Stay strong a do not waver until he can commit to NC. 

Have you exposed this affiar?

Bottom line is to make this affair as uncomfortable and as inconvienent as possible. Next time if he wants to stay over he parks the car in front of your home and you call the OW to let her know that your H will be stay with his kids in your home for the night.

I bet your H will bail and it will only confirm his f~cked up mind set.

He's either 100% in or 100% out, there is no try!!!!!

Keep your guard up.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I agree with both of the previous posters.

Keep on keepin' on!!


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I agree with both of the previous posters.

Keep on keepin' on!!


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## FML2011 (Sep 21, 2011)

the guy said:


> Ya, he's playing you both.
> Until he can park his car infront of the marital home, with pride and confidence, he has no remorse.
> 
> He should be telling the OW to screw off in front of you and NC. there should be no reason to hide his damb car.....that's b~llsh~t!
> ...


I'm definitely keeping my guard up because I have no trust in him whatsoever. I thought about texting her the night he stayed but I just don't even want to deal with their drama. He just says 'it's over, you'll see' - not sure what he means by that.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

"its over, you see" = I'm getting better at hiding things

So what about exposeure? or is it just your little secret between you and your H?

man, you need to blow this out of the water. I'm taking about an exposure of biblical proportion.

Until you H has felt some hard consequences......he will continue.


Granted you did great with leting him go, some may interpriete this as just letting him have more time with the OW. But once you start exposing the affiar to family, friends, employers...then we're talking.


I'm not just talking about you and him, but getting the info on OW and finding her mam and dad, and letting them know that you are working on your marriage and there little girl is getting in the way and you want there support in rebuilding your marrige by talking to there daughter.

How about the landlord at the condo? I mean you really need to look at any avenue you can take to get your h out of the fog by making his affiar as inconvienent and as uncomfortable as possible.

Not b/c your vandictive, but you are looking for support from other in repairing the marragie and family.......Get it?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Sorry for the rant and the spelling, I just have the feeling he's cake eating....or trying to at least.


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## FML2011 (Sep 21, 2011)

the guy said:


> "its over, you see" = I'm getting better at hiding things
> 
> So what about exposeure? or is it just your little secret between you and your H?
> 
> ...


Oh, he's been exposed. All his friends knew it about the whole time. One of my best friends is the one who caught them out together. About 6 weeks after dDay I told my other best friends and he told his parents. When I kicked him out last week, I told pretty much everyone I have come into contact with since....my family, preschool teachers, other close friends, people I haven't seen in months and ran into in the grocery store! I also have told his mother every thing I find out (like finding him at the condo). As for OW - she is a Thai massage girl that he 'rescued'. Put her and her green card husband up in a sweet condo, bought her Honda - which she crashed, then he leased her a Mercedes, hired her green card husband to work for him so (so I knew them as a H/W but only met H). He has even taken our children to the condo to visit the cat we gave them (before I knew about the A). OW parents are in Thailand and I have no names or no way of contacting them. I did find a You Tube video of her last birthday party online and I write some pretty nasty comments which apparently went straight to her FB page, so her family knows what's going on. As for the condo, apparently they are being evicted. I saw eviction papers (since his name was on it, he was served) but I know the eviction process can take a few months.

ETA: I definitely think me telling even more people about it has made me feel stronger. Everytime I tell someone, it's like a little more weight is lifted off of me and I gain the support of yet another person.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

No wonder your H looks like a wreck.

He sound like he is fogged in big time.

Next step, IMHO, is to have some divorcr papers writen up. Filings one thing, but nothing say "reality check" like divorce papers.

Lawyer up.

So he is with Bangkock Betty the message girl, and your H has no concern for his reputation? 

MIL and FIL most be so proud of there boy!!!!!!!!!

You are for sure best served by doing a 180 and letting him go. Until Thiland Toy is kicked out of the USA, I wouldn't trust him either.

Then again its been my experience that once OW uses up your H money and resource she will be waiting for the next step...and thats citizenship...once thats had..by by H and green card H .

Some folks have a need to do whatever it takes to get into the USA and once its had its there is no longer the need for the people that got them there.

I would suggest a call to the INS would be due.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You should have posted to fb that he was sleeping there that night, maybe he would ahave seen it and come unglued.

Seriousoly, he's a pill popping cheater. You and your daughter can do so much better.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FML2011 (Sep 21, 2011)

the guy said:


> No wonder your H looks like a wreck.
> 
> He sound like he is fogged in big time.
> 
> ...


If I file for D - I would wait til the 10 yr mark (may 2012). As for INS - called them 2 weeks ago, gave them all her info but they are so backlogged I doubt anything will become of it.


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## FML2011 (Sep 21, 2011)

the guy said:


> Sorry for the rant and the spelling, I just have the feeling he's cake eating....or trying to at least.


Oh, he's definitely cake eating or trying to. I feel he may think he's got some power over me, which he did at one time - but I don't feel that any longer. I can visualize him saying the same things to her...the look on his face, him looking into her eyes trying to convince her that his marriage is done. He has become such a con-man.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

If he stays another night - maybe you could help out a little by going out for a walk yourself, and then move his car to around in front of your place. <smile>


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## FML2011 (Sep 21, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> If he stays another night - maybe you could help out a little by going out for a walk yourself, and then move his car to around in front of your place. <smile>


OMG - love that! I have keys to both his and her car. Hers is parked in a gated garage at the condo so I can't access it, but I have thought about if I see it out and about, I actually have legal rights to take it. His name is on it so legally, that car is half mine


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## FML2011 (Sep 21, 2011)

I JUST WANT TO SCREAM!!! He got to me last night and I am so mad. I had a birthday party for our daughter yesterday - just my BFF's and their families and my family. I didn't want him there - not to be malicious towards him, but because all the people that are supporting me emotionally right now were there and it would just be uncomfortable. I wanted the party to be fun & light and just a blast for the kids...and it was. My dad though, every time he looked at me, he would get teary, same with my sister. They are devastated and my dad wants me to divorce him - so see, it would NOT have been good to have H here.

So he was working a convention during the day and asked if he could come after to tuck the kids into bed. No problem. He came, we got the kids to bed - and then he flipped out on me about him not being invited to his own daughter's birthday party. He went into such a huge rage, which angered me so I went back at him about his irresponsible finances, the affair, etc. He started calling me names, degrading me - he's never done this. It was getting scary so I told him to leave and he said he wouldn't. So I am crying and said that I'll leave then. I called a friend to see if I could come over with the kids. All the while he is following me around the house in a very aggressive manner...I was beginning to get scared. He was definitely having some issues with not having control over me. He told me I was the weakest person he's ever know, I am the stupidest person ever - really trying to intimidate me. Eventually it all calmed down, but I am really freaked out by the rage. I am trying my best to keep things cordial. I was an emotional mess while he was here last night but I am not going to let his words and rage bring me down. I really believe it's the drugs and the stress that is doing this to him but he refuses to stop the pills. He knows if he goes cold turkey, he won't be able to work for awhile and we need to money badly right now.I told him that as soon as he has some money, he needs to go see a doctor and go about getting off the pills the right way. His roller-coaster behavour is just way too much. He apologized before he left

So I took a Xanax and got a good nights sleep. He apologized before he left (he came down as quickly as he raged up). He also texted me later and apologized again and said he will control himself better from now on. We'll see.


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