# Need a Man's Opinion



## MichinCC (Sep 30, 2014)

My husband and I have been married 5 years. We have 3 kids (one being a newborn). I was 8 months pregnant during this. My husband was away in another state for a couple of months for trade school. When he was home one weekend I discovered my husband had propositioned 3 women on Craigslist Casual Encounters through email while I was at work. He sent penis pics and headshots. Two were in the state where the school is. One was in our home town. He told them he was married and when he would be back at the school. The one in the home town he specifically told her his needs weren't getting met at home and that they would have to meet before 7pm (when I got off work). Luckily only one spam bot replied back (which he pretty much had cyber sex with through email). Anyway, so I confronted him about it and he looked like a deer in headlights. He swore to me that it was just a joke and he doesn't know why he did it. He swore he had no intentions of ever meeting up with these women. He also said he never wanted to hurt me like that. However, a week later while he was at school he was sending **** pics to a prostitute (he thought she was a regular working girl). He didn't realize Google is a magnificent thing. Anyway, he pulled the "just a joke" thing stating guys did that all the time when he was in the Army just for laughs. I have a very hard time believing that. I know what other women think but I need a guy's perspective. So gentlemen, is it possible that it was all fun and games or do you think he would have bit if he had gotten the response he wanted?


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

MichinCC said:


> My husband and I have been married 5 years. We have 3 kids (one being a newborn). I was 8 months pregnant during this. My husband was away in another state for a couple of months for trade school. When he was home one weekend I discovered my husband had propositioned 3 women on Craigslist Casual Encounters through email while I was at work. He sent penis pics and headshots. Two were in the state where the school is. One was in our home town. He told them he was married and when he would be back at the school. The one in the home town he specifically told her his needs weren't getting met at home and that they would have to meet before 7pm (when I got off work). Luckily only one spam bot replied back (which he pretty much had cyber sex with through email). Anyway, so I confronted him about it and he looked like a deer in headlights. He swore to me that it was just a joke and he doesn't know why he did it. He swore he had no intentions of ever meeting up with these women. He also said he never wanted to hurt me like that. However, a week later while he was at school he was sending **** pics to a prostitute (he thought she was a regular working girl). He didn't realize Google is a magnificent thing. Anyway, he pulled the "just a joke" thing stating guys did that all the time when he was in the Army just for laughs. I have a very hard time believing that. I know what other women think but I need a guy's perspective. So gentlemen, is it possible that it was all fun and games or do you think he would have bit if he had gotten the response he wanted?


I don't think anything about that is funny. Why don't you tell him you are going to do the same, you know for a good chuckle, and see what his reaction is. Bet he doesn't laugh


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

He was definitely looking to engage in a bit of extramarital buggery, and what you should now be wondering is whether or not he's already done so. And, for him to have gone right back to the same bullsh*t so quickly after being discovered would seem to indicate that he probably has.

Sorry.


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## bestyet2be (Jul 28, 2013)

OK, put the best possible interpretation you can possibly think of on everything he's said and done. I would think it's still pretty bad.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

He was definitely cruising.


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## ankh (Oct 14, 2012)

Tell him to stop or the marriage will stop as well.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

He is cruising. It's not going to be so funny if he gets an STD or a girl pregnant. Make sure his needs are being met at home so he can't use that excuse.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Just a joke?

Either he has a really bizzarre sense of humor...or he was fishing.


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

This is not a "all the guys do it" kind of thing. This is him going down a road that destroys the marriage and threatens the health of both of you. He needs to get a grip. If there are issues in the marriage then communicate and start working on them. Issues or not there is no excuse for this. Not only is this cheating on you (yes even without actual sex) but he's cheating on his family ie his kids, in that he's not following through on his responsibilities as a father. IMO. I hope he has some honor and can get his stuff together.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good afternoon
I'm always one to give the benefit of the doubt - but this looks bad

I can't imagine posting nude picks, and trying for hook-ups just as a "joke".


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

trolling for women whether real or for kicks while married is NEVER a joke, and not the least bit funny.

show him a diploma and tell him you will give it to him when he graduates from 8th grade.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Happilymarried25 said:


> He is cruising.


Yep.



Happilymarried25 said:


> It's not going to be so funny if he gets an STD or a girl pregnant.


Nope.



Happilymarried25 said:


> Make sure his needs are being met at home so he can't use that excuse.


Uhhh... this comes pretty close to blameshifting.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

MichinCC... I hope you are not buying this load of bunk.

If your husband thinks this is "funny" and all for laughs, then he has a very sick sense of humor and a very twisted idea of marriage.

Personally, I would be seriously considering whether I wanted to remain married to someone who would do this.


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## MichinCC (Sep 30, 2014)

ankh said:


> Tell him to stop or the marriage will stop as well.


Oh, I very much did. 



Happilymarried25 said:


> He is cruising. It's not going to be so funny if he gets an STD or a girl pregnant. Make sure his needs are being met at home so he can't use that excuse.


Of course I called him on that BS and he backtracked that comment he made to the hometown girl. He got sex everyday he was home from school despite me being very uncomfortably pregnant. 



Shoto1984 said:


> This is not a "all the guys do it" kind of thing. This is him going down a road that destroys the marriage and threatens the health of both of you. He needs to get a grip. If there are issues in the marriage then communicate and start working on them. Issues or not there is no excuse for this. * Not only is this cheating on you (yes even without actual sex) but he's cheating on his family ie his kids, in that he's not following through on his responsibilities as a father*. IMO. I hope he has some honor and can get his stuff together.


I firmly believe it is cheating too. It definitely is an attack on our whole family and not just myself. I'm hoping he can get his stuff together too. We'll see.



jorgegene said:


> trolling for women whether real or for kicks while married is NEVER a joke, and not the least bit funny.
> 
> *show him a diploma and tell him you will give it to him when he graduates from 8th grade*.


This made me laugh because I told him I thought he had grown up but I was wrong.



happy as a clam said:


> MichinCC...* I hope you are not buying this load of bunk.*
> 
> If your husband thinks this is "funny" and all for laughs, then he has a very sick sense of humor and a very twisted idea of marriage.
> 
> *Personally, I would be seriously considering whether I wanted to remain married to someone who would do this*.


I do not believe it for one second. I guess I just felt like I needed confirmation from the men of the world. I had divorce papers downloaded and told him I was considering it. Somehow between his pleading and the birth of a child, I've slowed my roll but I still think about it frequently. I'm waiting for his next slip up and that's sad.


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## MichinCC (Sep 30, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> He was definitely looking to engage in a bit of extramarital buggery, and what you should now be wondering is whether or not he's already done so. And, for him to have gone right back to the same bullsh*t so quickly after being discovered would seem to indicate that he probably has.
> 
> Sorry.


No need to be sorry. You're just stating what I already feel and strangely enough that makes me feel better. I told him I thought he would cheat on me or already has and he acted so hurt. I really didn't know he was that good of an actor. Usually, you can smell a lie from him a mile away and that whole "joke" story was stinking for days. haha


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

MichinCC said:


> I'm waiting for his next slip up and that's sad.


I doubt you will have to wait long...


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Just look at your poll results...

*100%* of the responders say he intended to cheat. It's kind of like the "audience lifeline" on _Who Wants to Be A Millionaire?_ The audience is usually overwhelmingly right; surely 100% of us can't be _wrong?_ 

Stay on your toes...


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

Read books on sex addiction, such as "Your Sexually Addicted Spouse: How Partners Can Cope and Heal."

At this point I would suspect that he may have engaged in a physical encounter. DO NOT take him at his word. Cheaters who get caught will ONLY give you limited information based on what you know.

Get checked for STD.

This is not playing. This is a sex addiction, where a man is willing to engage in risky sex with strangers.

Even if he realizes that his behavior may destroy his marriage, he may not be able to stop. This is more than just cheating in an emotional or physical affair...this is someone who has lost control.

He needs help. Hoping your threat will scare him back into step will not work for long. His desire will return and he needs something in place to support him. He is making all the promises in the world, but unless you demand he gets help for sex addiction, then he will return to this...and trust that he is going to take this underground.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

It seems to me you've taken a very level headed approach to this. You'd be amazed how many people will come here and post something similar and are convinced their spouse is being completely honest. There's a difference between wanting to believe and should you believe. 

At this point he should be petrified of your reaction and be bending over backwards to establish that he is in fact trustworthy. If it was just a foolish act and mistake it was one of colossal proportions.


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## MichinCC (Sep 30, 2014)

dormant said:


> I doubt you will have to wait long...


We'll see. It's hunting season now (for deer not women...I hope. Ha) so he's preoccupied.



happy as a clam said:


> Just look at your poll results...
> 
> *100%* of the responders say he intended to cheat. It's kind of like the "audience lifeline" on _Who Wants to Be A Millionaire?_ The audience is usually overwhelmingly right; surely 100% of us can't be _wrong?_
> 
> Stay on your toes...


It's quite validating to see unanimous voting. Makes me feel like I'm not crazy. I'm still on my toes. Sometimes it's quite exhausting.


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## 20yrsofmarriage (Sep 29, 2014)

I'm a woman but I just wanted to say that I'm so sorry you had to see that. How are things between you two now?


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## MichinCC (Sep 30, 2014)

FormerSelf said:


> Read books on sex addiction, such as "Your Sexually Addicted Spouse: How Partners Can Cope and Heal."
> 
> At this point I would suspect that he may have engaged in a physical encounter. DO NOT take him at his word. Cheaters who get caught will ONLY give you limited information based on what you know.
> 
> ...



A lot of this misbehavior ramped up while he was at school with a bunch of single early 20s guys who funneled alcohol (not an excuse...just fact). I was very interested to see your post because shortly after he got home from trade school he was watching porn at a disturbing rate. We're talking watching it on his phone on silent while sitting in the living room with me and the kids. He put his phone away really quickly when I would walk near him. I found some porn addiction material from Covenant Eyes online during this time. I read about the chemical reaction that occurs when you watch porn. It was very intriguing. I told him I thought he was a porn addict but he laughed it off. I actually have no problem with porn when it isn't a big part of your life or detracting from your family. I've asked him to decrease the amount he watches(which he has...although he's trying to hide his trail big time). He's always been an adrenaline junkie...rodeo...firefighting...hunting. I fear he's chasing women to achieve some sort of high that I can never give him because we all know no matter how hot the sex is in marriage it's still familiar. 

I know he'll never confess to anything I don't directly call him out on and I know every time I call him out he tries harder to be secretive. As much as I want to have him work out his issues, I know I cannot when he won't admit he has an issue. 

Prior to his Craigslist fiasco, he would secretly message ex-gfs to get their attention (not on the Craigslist level) then delete it to try and cover his tracks. His behavior continues to progress on the inappropriate level. Alcohol makes the problem bigger. All he needs is a mild buzz to be extra stupid. He likes to do a lot of this after I go to bed so sometimes I avoid going to bed until he does to keep him from doing stuff. It's exhausting and I don't like having to act like his mom.

The perk of pregnancy was they checked me for infections all the time so all clear.  haha Also, when I type this stuff out it all connects & makes me feel dumbo for ever putting up with this crap.


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## pragmaster (May 7, 2014)

I wouldn't call him a sex addict. He probably is deprived at home. Sorry, but super HD men will do what they need to do to stay sane. Willing to have sex with strangers doesn't make you an addict. Some people take risks in life, others don't. 

There's no need to write or talk about it. 

He knew what he was doing. He knew what he was looking for. The only crappy thing is he got caught. 

Go to marriage counselling or improve your sex skills. 

I'm sorry, but he sounds sexually bored with you.

You should say bye bye.


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## MichinCC (Sep 30, 2014)

20yrsofmarriage said:


> I'm a woman but I just wanted to say that I'm so sorry you had to see that. How are things between you two now?


It hasn't been too long since it occurred so it's very fresh for me. Despite him telling me that it had nothing to do with me lacking in anyway & he was just being stupid, I can't help but feel inadequate in some way. I can honestly say I love this man with all of my heart so it hurts that no matter what I say or do, he continues to progress in this poor behavior. It makes me want to scream "why am I not good enough?!" I always hope that there is some magical point where he'll "grow up" but I'm beginning to think it's hopeless. Currently, he is very self-involved because of deer hunting so it's a semi-relief for me. On the surface we look very much together & I still have butterflies for him but I think about it A LOT! He's one of those guys that after a little time passes, he can't understand why you would bring something up again. However, I feel like I'm still lacking some closure and would like to discuss it some more but I'm not sure how to tactfully bring it back up. It also makes me sick to my stomach when I think about bringing it back up. I welcome any suggestions.


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## badcompany (Aug 4, 2010)

Sorry doesn't cut it. It's devastating to find out things like this and realize the partner you've had 3 kids with and the life you've shared is all built on a foundation of BS. 20 months ago I was in the same place(I'm a guy though).
He is not likely to change, the best thing is to move on, heal, and start over with someone that deserves you and will be faithful. 
I took personality tests, the love languages test, and did a lot of learning about me during and after marriage counseling and it's helped me immensely moving forward. That knowledge also gave me a better idea of what type of person will be a good match for me.


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

Some folks need to know if their spouse has consummated their cheating desires. It might make a difference in whatever efforts are or aren't made for repairing the marriage. 

Consider this: his actions mirror what's in his heart. In many ways that's all you really need to know. These actions are the closest thing you will ever have to a crystal ball concerning your future with him.


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## JASON56 (Aug 28, 2014)

I feel sorry for you, your not going to have an easy life with your husband. 
The trust is gone, and he has no respect for you, after you caught him the first time he just went ahead and did it again, that's zero respect....its just a joke, ya right, is he 16 yrs old...

He is a married man with children he should be acting like one... your going to have a very long rough road with him..


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