# So it has finally happened...



## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

I was waiting for what everyone here at TAM said would happen. The STBXW has made a half-hearted effort at asking for a R. Don't worry though, there is NO way that it will ever happen! It just amazes me that these things seem to follow the same steps every time and in every D. Somebody should write them out for future generations Hahaha


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Was this on the phone or in writing?

Have you responded yet??

Let us help you craft the perfect response!!

Like “oh honey, you can’t possibly think you’re good enough to be with me do you?”

Or “sorry, I don’t date jail birds”.

Or “I have offers already from much better women than you’ll ever be”.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Faithful Wife said:


> Was this on the phone or in writing?
> 
> Have you responded yet??
> 
> ...


It was a letter. Full of the typical "It was a mistake", "I'm sorry", "We can fix this", etc.

No, I haven't responded. Don't really want too, just want to ignore it. But I can't do that can I?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Why can't you ignore it?

I've received a number of bull**** emails from my ex claiming he loves me/he's not giving up/blah blah.

I've ignored them all, and they've since stopped.

Sometimes a non response is the strongest response.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

lifeistooshort said:


> Why can't you ignore it?
> 
> I've received a number of bull**** emails from my ex claiming he loves me/he's not giving up/blah blah.
> 
> ...


No response was my first reaction


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Numb26 said:


> Faithful Wife said:
> 
> 
> > Was this on the phone or in writing?
> ...


Of course you can ignore it. And Life is right, ignoring it will send a huge message. 

But it would be more fun for us to make up scathing responses. Ha!

“I got your letter. You must have intended it for someone else as you can’t possibly think I want to be with a cheater. Maybe you meant to send it to the OW. I’ll forward it to her for you.”


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

I find it's best not to respond to the X unless there is a direct question and only then if it relates to the kid. Only exception was when drafting the divorce papers several years ago.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Yes, ignore it. If you respond in any way at all, that will give her hope that she’ll win and she’ll continue to reach out. You don’t want that. Silence is the only way.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Ignore it. Your wife treated you abominably.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

It’s like I told you already. For your wife to apply for parole she needs a home to return to otherwise she will have to be found accommodation and a job. It’s easier for the prison authorities to leave her where she is. 
If she can show that she has a loving husband and family waiting on her she will be released quickly.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Glad to hear that my first reaction was correct. I am gonna ignore it


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## dubsey (Feb 21, 2013)

manipulation to help her get early release and see the kids. nothing more.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Ignore. That will tell her everything she needs to know about how you feel about her.
There's nothing better in this type of situations like absolute, no doubts about it messages that conveys that the relationship is over. It helps to get things done quicker when the other person realizes and accepts that it's over.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I'll also throw out that responses of any kind will be interpreted as an opportunity for discussion. 

I agree with FW that it's fun to come up with snarky responses but it really is better to keep that door closed. It's better for your mental health and will help you move on.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Numb26 said:


> It was a letter. Full of the typical "It was a mistake", "I'm sorry", "We can fix this", etc.
> 
> No, I haven't responded. Don't really want too, just want to ignore it. But I can't do that can I?


Chumplady has a full archive of these kinds of apology/non-apology letters if you want to read them. I bet many of us here could essentially write 90% of what you saw in that letter.

For example, I bet it contained:

- a non-apology apology, like "I'm sorry you got hurt" or "it just happened"
- appeals to a fictitious shining future if only you would take part in it
- how they've learned and grown so much through this... as if you should be proud of them
- swearing they'll never do anything like this again... with no actual plans to change

Etc. It's all BS. I say ignore it.

I never got a letter... but I did get a phone call the day our divorce was final with something like "I'll agree to talk about our relationship... if you pay our lawyer bills."

It generally comes down to something like "I just realized that my life is a lot harder now that you're gone, and not at all what I thought it would be like when I was sleeping with the other person on the side without you knowing it. Can we go back to that?"

The best thing to do is ignore it. Actually, no, the best thing to do is to make fun of it with people that care about you so everyone can see it (and her) for the joke they are, and then ignore it.


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## cp3o (Jun 2, 2018)

lifeistooshort said:


> I'll also throw out that responses of any kind will be interpreted as an opportunity for discussion.
> 
> I agree with FW that it's fun to come up with snarky responses but it really is better to keep that door closed. It's better for your mental health and will help you move on.


Any response will open the door to a "why" "what" "how" "when" "where" reaction - and then you're either in a discussion you cannot win or the bad guy for not responding to a "reasonable" question.

I've learnt that when I say "no" I simply say "no". No excuses, reasons or justifications however valid - just "no". 

KISS (Keep It Simple Stupid).


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

lifeistooshort said:


> I'll also throw out that responses of any kind will be interpreted as an opportunity for discussion.
> 
> I agree with FW that it's fun to come up with snarky responses but it really is better to keep that door closed. It's better for your mental health and will help you move on.


You are right of course, but we can make up good responses anyway and laugh about it here. :laugh:

Not to ever send them, just because it's fun. 

Here's a good one, send the letter back to her with no response, just a quarter in the envelope (to call someone who cares).


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Numb26 said:


> It was a letter. Full of the typical "It was a mistake", "I'm sorry", "We can fix this", etc.
> 
> No, I haven't responded. Don't really want too, just want to ignore it. But I can't do that can I?


Respond that you are sending the request for R to your lawyer for consideration. However, at this juncture it is a no from me dawg.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Numb26 said:


> No response was my first reaction


This is the correct reaction. Good for you.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Oh no wait, here's the perfect one!!! Have a picture of your arm around a hot girl (just ask a friend, make sure it is someone she either doesn't know at all or is someone she already feels threatened by) and just mail the picture back with her letter. A picture is worth a thousand words.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Faithful Wife said:


> Oh no wait, here's the perfect one!!! Have a picture of your arm around a hot girl (just ask a friend, make sure it is someone she either doesn't know at all or is someone she already feels threatened by) and just mail the picture back with her letter. A picture is worth a thousand words.


I love this game! How about this?

Tell her I would invite her to stay but my house isn't registered as a legal Halfway house?


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

I’m jealous. I never got a request for R. I guess I’m not R material, lol. However, my portion of her pension will come in handy in 10 years. 

I agree with the others, no response. Or tell her that orange doesn’t go with the new color scheme in your house.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Numb26 said:


> Tell her I would invite her to stay but my house isn't registered as a legal Halfway house?


YESSSSS!!!!! :laugh:


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

I agree that no response is the best, but having a little fun, I know a good one: "Who is this again?" >


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

She needs a reason to live, ( and a purpose to endure her own crap)and it doesn't make you a bad person when you don't answer it, but it would make you a chump if you did answer it and eliminate her the cost for doing what she did.

By not answering you are giving her the life she chose nothing more, now let her have what she wanted so bad. Sorry.... This is the cost, now let her buy it by herself.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Numb26 said:


> Tell her I would invite her to stay but my house isn't registered as a legal Halfway house?


Or have your lawyer send a cease and desist.

"Please do not contact my client again regarding any requests for reconciliation."


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

RebuildingMe said:


> *I’m jealous. I never got a request for R*. I guess I’m not R material, lol. However, my portion of her pension will come in handy in 10 years.
> 
> I agree with the others, no response. Or tell her that orange doesn’t go with the new color scheme in your house.


This is in no way a compliment to Numb 26. It actually shows that she thinks he is stupid!! It is not about "love" or wanting to reconcile. It is about her regretting that her actions ended up with her dumped on her ass and in jail.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Faithful Wife said:


> RebuildingMe said:
> 
> 
> > *I’m jealous. I never got a request for R*. I guess I’m not R material, lol. However, my portion of her pension will come in handy in 10 years.
> ...


I think he meant it as a joke. LOL

And I read you response as "her actions ended up with her dumped in jail" Haha Which is sort of true!


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Numb26 said:


> I think he meant it as a joke. LOL
> 
> And I read you response as "her actions ended up with her dumped in jail" Haha Which is sort of true!


I was joking. I wasn’t reaching for tissues as I wrote that!


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

RebuildingMe said:


> I was joking. I wasn’t reaching for tissues as I wrote that!


Oh ok...my bad. I don't actually know your story so I wasn't sure if maybe you had at one time wished for an R.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Faithful Wife said:


> Oh no wait, here's the perfect one!!! Have a picture of your arm around a hot girl (just ask a friend, make sure it is someone she either doesn't know at all or is someone she already feels threatened by) and just mail the picture back with her letter. A picture is worth a thousand words.


When we were still in the thick of it, my ex saw me driving my new sports car and gave me a dirty look. 

Which turned into a shocked look when she saw a girl’s head pop up from what looked to be my lap, flip down the visor, and start to apply lipstick. I smiled and gave her a thumbs up or something. 

Now, it was just a friend that was rooting around in her purse while I gave her a lift, but it was hilarious.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Faithful Wife said:


> Oh ok...my bad. I don't actually know your story so I wasn't sure if maybe you had at one time wished for an R.


No worries. In a sentence, I gave her 3 years of R until I saw no progress so I made the decision to bail. After that, I assumed she’d get her butt in gear but just the opposite. 

Sorry, that was two sentences.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

How about you do what I did once in high school when a bunch of girls just wouldn't get the "go away" hint (again, I'm an *******): send her a relationship application form, including where she would be in the queue and criteria that she'd have to meet to be considered for the role.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> You are right of course, but we can make up good responses anyway and laugh about it here. :laugh:
> 
> Not to ever send them, just because it's fun.
> 
> Here's a good one, send the letter back to her with no response, just a quarter in the envelope (to call someone who cares).


I've always liked "**** you and the horse you rode in on"....said with a smile of course!

But it has been pointed out to me that this may not be fair to the horse, who took no vows to anyone :rofl:


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Has anyone seen Heartbreak Ridge?

Don't go away mad....just go away.


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## leftfield (Mar 29, 2016)

I tend to have an odd way of looking at things, but just for fun here are a few:

Respond with: "This might mess up my new relationship, sooooooooooooooooo NO!" 

Use a marker and write a big LOL over the top of her letter and then return it.

You could ask if she would be willing to do some lesbian porn to earn money and pay for rent.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

"Slip out da back, Jack"

"Make a new plan, Stan"

"Don't need to be coy, Roy"

"Hop on the bus, Gus"

"Drop off da key, Lee... and get yourself free!"


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Send it back with a note enclosed saying “It’s nice you haven’t lost your sense of humor”. “You’ll need it during the long lonely years ahead of you”.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

I knew I 'should' ignore and knew his R letter had ulterior motives, but I could not resist pointing out his inconsistencies (there was no love, no good reason, he had treated me horribly for years) and also I wanted to give him what he wanted--his complete freedom to remarry. He wanted affirmation that we would never reconcile in the eyes of the church. So yes, I said no way would I reconcile.

His next marriage lasted a matter of weeks. Look deeply for ulterior motives as has been stated.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Marduk said:


> Faithful Wife said:
> 
> 
> > Oh no wait, here's the perfect one!!! Have a picture of your arm around a hot girl (just ask a friend, make sure it is someone she either doesn't know at all or is someone she already feels threatened by) and just mail the picture back with her letter. A picture is worth a thousand words.
> ...


This actually made me.spit out my drink laughing!


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

lifeistooshort said:


> Has anyone seen Heartbreak Ridge?
> 
> Don't go away mad....just go away.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

sunsetmist said:


> I knew I 'should' ignore and knew his R letter had ulterior motives, but I could not resist pointing out his inconsistencies (there was no love, no good reason, he had treated me horribly for years) and also I wanted to give him what he wanted--his complete freedom to remarry. He wanted affirmation that we would never reconcile in the eyes of the church. So yes, I said no way would I reconcile.
> 
> *His next marriage lasted a matter of weeks*. Look deeply for ulterior motives as has been stated.


:surprise:


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

I'd be tempted to respond with 

"You MUST be joking." 

To think for even a second she can tell you on the one hand that you're just jealous she didn't invite you into her threesome and then say "we can get past this" is so delusional it's scary. 

But I agree with everyone that the best action on your part is silence. That will tear her up the most...waiting and waiting for a response that will never come. Silence is powerful.

Someday you might feel compassion for her...today is not that day however. It will be a while before you get to that...it took me almost 3 years.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

notmyjamie said:


> I'd be tempted to respond with
> 
> "You MUST be joking."
> 
> ...


I plan on ignoring it but there have been some good suggestions here if I did want to respond


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Numb26 said:


> I plan on ignoring it but there have been some good suggestions here if I did want to respond


Ignoring is best, that’s sends such a powerful message. Like I ain’t even got time to respond to your nonsense beeeatch.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Faithful Wife said:


> Numb26 said:
> 
> 
> > I plan on ignoring it but there have been some good suggestions here if I did want to respond
> ...


I am going to ignore it. Not a can of worms I want to open


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Numb:
First, WTH????? I know I have been around this a long time, maybe too long, but REALLY???? Is there some existent script somewhere where after the infidelity, blowing up their betrayed's world, they have the nerve to ask if you could glue together the shards they created. Second, I suspect that you will not entertain the notion of walking back into the lion's den. To that end, go out and make your life spectacular. Do not give your ex a second thought. That is a revenge that they really never overcome. As I have said I had one several years back where I predicted that she would come crawling back. It took six months before this woman's AP headed for the hills. One bright and sunny Sunday (I love setting scenes) his doorbell goes off at an ungodly early hour. He opens the door to find his exW on the front porch, she looks like utter crap, gained a ton of weight, she looks like an overstuffed sausage, hair a mess, mascara running down her cheeks. He will not allow her through the front door. She is weeping uncontrollably, saying she made the worst mistake of her life, the AP did not want to marry her, and kicked her out. He did not say a word, and then a woman comes down the stairs. She is barely dressed, she is at least ten years younger, much prettier, and sporting an engagement ring. She comes to the door, flashes the engagement ring, says the wedding is in three weeks, and then says, "Sorry we gave at the office", and slams the door on the ex. The scream woke their neighbors.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Taxman said:


> Numb:
> First, WTH????? I know I have been around this a long time, maybe too long, but REALLY???? Is there some existent script somewhere where after the infidelity, blowing up their betrayed's world, they have the nerve to ask if you could glue together the shards they created. Second, I suspect that you will not entertain the notion of walking back into the lion's den. To that end, go out and make your life spectacular. Do not give your ex a second thought. That is a revenge that they really never overcome. As I have said I had one several years back where I predicted that she would come crawling back. It took six months before this woman's AP headed for the hills. One bright and sunny Sunday (I love setting scenes) his doorbell goes off at an ungodly early hour. He opens the door to find his exW on the front porch, she looks like utter crap, gained a ton of weight, she looks like an overstuffed sausage, hair a mess, mascara running down her cheeks. He will not allow her through the front door. She is weeping uncontrollably, saying she made the worst mistake of her life, the AP did not want to marry her, and kicked her out. He did not say a word, and then a woman comes down the stairs. She is barely dressed, she is at least ten years younger, much prettier, and sporting an engagement ring. She comes to the door, flashes the engagement ring, says the wedding is in three weeks, and then says, "Sorry we gave at the office", and slams the door on the ex. The scream woke their neighbors.


Like Andy1001 said, I think she is doing it to help herself not to mend anything


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

I would respond as to leave no doubt, so she stops. Example:
Any further contact received from you will be considered harassment and forwarded to the proper authorities. 

Sent from my SM-G965U using Tapatalk


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Numb26.... I know this is super late but.... try this.

My college sweetheart sent me a heart filled letter wanting us to start dating again about 25 years ago.

I read it and sent it back to her. I corrected her grammatical errors. She told me later that pizzed her off for

a good three weeks.


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