# How do I do it?



## timetoask (Mar 21, 2018)

I can't take anymore. I've begged and pleaded for more from my husband. I am the breadwinner, he has very little responsibility but he gives me nothing. We haven't had sex in months, he rarely even acknowledges my presence. We have no connection. There is no love.

How do I ask for a separation? We have a 5 year old so, i would like to remain in the same home. Is that possible? Will that be enough to really push him in the right direction? If he wants to make this work, that is. Can you really ever come back from this? 

I'm sure there's a thread somewhere that answers all of these questions so i appreciate any advice... Once the words divorce are said, you can't take them back. I am scared


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## Cromer (Nov 25, 2016)

How do you think he will react?

The number one thing that I was glad I did was have EVERYTHING ready when I dropped the divorce on her. It wasn't meant as a "wakeup call", it was meant as "I'm out." It seems that you aren't there yet maybe? If you go the "I want a divorce" route you have to mean it. That means having everything worked out, to include a fair asset split offer, a plan on where to go, the papers ready for service, etc. She didn't fight it because she wasn't going to get a better deal, so things progressed quickly. I ended up in the house and she left to stay with her family, but I had a plan to get out and live on my own. You have a young child so things will be different. Support, custody, etc.

You have to mean it, and that means being prepared, show that you are prepared, and be ready to pull the trigger. That means having papers ready to serve. You can always walk it back, but if you threaten it without having a plan ready to go, your declaration will likely fall on deaf ears. I know.


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

If you ask for a separation and he stays in the same home what does 
that accomplish? He still has no responsibility. If you want him to wake up 
then he has to go out the door for a while. He needs to prove himself 
to you to get back in the house. Separating and staying in the same 
house is just like asking him to sleep in the spare bedroom.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

I agree with Cromer, get your ducks in a row first, you need to speak to a lawyer for advice and to see your options. 
question has he always been this way or has his behavior changed as of late.
is he working at all?


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## alliexoxo (Mar 12, 2018)

I made the mistake of threatening divorce to my husband to scare him and I didn't really mean it. To my surprise he was on board and my heart was shattered. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## VermiciousKnid (Nov 14, 2017)

Many times asking for separation makes it real to the other spouse and they start listening to your concerns and making changes. Not every time so be prepared to follow through but be open minded either way.


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## DustyDog (Jul 12, 2016)

timetoask said:


> I can't take anymore. I've begged and pleaded for more from my husband. I am the breadwinner, he has very little responsibility but he gives me nothing. We haven't had sex in months, he rarely even acknowledges my presence. We have no connection. There is no love.
> 
> How do I ask for a separation? We have a 5 year old so, i would like to remain in the same home. Is that possible? Will that be enough to really push him in the right direction? If he wants to make this work, that is. Can you really ever come back from this?
> 
> I'm sure there's a thread somewhere that answers all of these questions so i appreciate any advice... Once the words divorce are said, you can't take them back. I am scared


You don't ask for a separation. You just do it.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

sa58 said:


> If you ask for a separation and he stays in the same home what does
> that accomplish? He still has no responsibility. If you want him to wake up
> then he has to go out the door for a while. He needs to prove himself
> to you to get back in the house. Separating and staying in the same
> house is just like asking him to sleep in the spare bedroom.


I agree that separation in the same house never works. Its divorce or married...there is no in between, even with kids in the picture. 

But he doesn't have to do anything since they are married and both have equal rights to live in the house. If she wants to separate, but not divorce, then let him know you will be looking for an apartment. Might want to consult with a lawyer first though in case of abandonment laws in your state.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

timetoask said:


> I can't take anymore. I've begged and pleaded for more from my husband. I am the breadwinner, he has very little responsibility but he gives me nothing. We haven't had sex in months, he rarely even acknowledges my presence. We have no connection. There is no love.
> 
> How do I ask for a separation? We have a 5 year old so, i would like to remain in the same home. Is that possible? Will that be enough to really push him in the right direction? If he wants to make this work, that is. Can you really ever come back from this?
> 
> I'm sure there's a thread somewhere that answers all of these questions so i appreciate any advice... Once the words divorce are said, you can't take them back. I am scared


Do you have another thread on here somewhere, maybe some background, sorry, more detail on what you tried before will help us with better advice.


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## timetoask (Mar 21, 2018)

Long story short, we've been together for 17 years, married for 7. I'm his second marriage and he is 14 years older. He has 2 adult children. We are in such different seasons in our lives. I want to have fun, seek out adventure, have lots of sex, travel, all the good things that marriage should be. He wants to take naps, take it slow, watch tv. He's so inattentive to my needs. He never considers me in his day. I won't hear from him all day, not a call or text. We've been to counseling, two different counselors. Nothing motivates him. He works, after 2.5 years off. But, he makes little money. He is educated and smart but zero motivation and always takes the path of least resistance. I keep thinking things will get better but obviously, they haven't. I don't want to get divorced. I really don't but, what's left to save?


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## sandcastle (Sep 5, 2014)

timetoask said:


> Long story short, we've been together for 17 years, married for 7. I'm his second marriage and he is 14 years older. He has 2 adult children. We are in such different seasons in our lives. I want to have fun, seek out adventure, have lots of sex, travel, all the good things that marriage should be. He wants to take naps, take it slow, watch tv. He's so inattentive to my needs. He never considers me in his day. I won't hear from him all day, not a call or text. We've been to counseling, two different counselors. Nothing motivates him. He works, after 2.5 years off. But, he makes little money. He is educated and smart but zero motivation and always takes the path of least resistance. I keep thinking things will get better but obviously, they haven't. I don't want to get divorced. I really don't but, what's left to save?


I guess the longer that you wait the longer you pay alimony.

Does HE pay your health insurance?


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## timetoask (Mar 21, 2018)

I am a bit concerned because i make substantially more money than he does but, couldn't imagine he would fight for anything if it comes to divorce. He'd be foolish to really. But, that being said, is spousal support something he could really get? Even if i have our child as primary? I don't want to hire an attorney yet.


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## timetoask (Mar 21, 2018)

Nope, health insurance is on me. Even for his children...


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## sandcastle (Sep 5, 2014)

timetoask said:


> I am a bit concerned because i make substantially more money than he does but, couldn't imagine he would fight for anything if it comes to divorce. He'd be foolish to really. But, that being said, is spousal support something he could really get? Even if i have our child as primary? I don't want to hire an attorney yet.


Oh yeah- you will be paying alimony.
You can bank on that.

How is the house title held, who makes the monthly payments?


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## sandcastle (Sep 5, 2014)

timetoask said:


> Nope, health insurance is on me. Even for his children...


Shocking !!!!
All his children?


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

.


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## sandcastle (Sep 5, 2014)

How old is the Mr.?


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## timetoask (Mar 21, 2018)

Everything is held jointly.


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## timetoask (Mar 21, 2018)

Well, that's not making me feel good...


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## timetoask (Mar 21, 2018)

Mid 50s.


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## becareful2 (Jul 8, 2016)

If you do nothing, then you will see no change. There was a woman on this site with a similar situation. I forget her name, but her husband was also a slacker and she was seriously contemplating divorcing him, but she felt so much guilt about abandoning him. I think the title of her post was something like "Oh, God, the guilt..." She worked hard and had a business product that she hoped to bring public that would earn her good money but she also didn't want him to profit from her hard work should they divorce. She did about 90% of the work and was the breadwinner. Anyone remember her username? Probably @WorkingWife?


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## sandcastle (Sep 5, 2014)

timetoask said:


> Everything is held jointly.


Did he contribute to the actual purchase?


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## timetoask (Mar 21, 2018)

sandcastle said:


> Did he contribute to the actual purchase?


 Yes. Joint accounts so we share financial responsibility.


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