# How Do You Know You Are Doing Things Right?



## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

My oldest (12) and my Ex-W do not get along.

How do I separate MY issues with my Ex from our disagreements as parents?

What do you read? Who do you talk to? If someone questions you about something you feel ok about - how do you objectively step back and evaluate yourself?

What are the "benchmarks"??? Good grades? Not getting in trouble at school? Keeping a clean room?

What I truly struggle with is that her mother seems to be the only person who is convinced that she is somehow out of control. We don't get calls from school, no complaints from friends parents, no complaints from "Gramma and Grandpa." Her "bad times" are almost always with her Mother.


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## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

Part of this is the mother daughter dynamic enhanced by teenage hormones. My daughter doesn't argue or fight with her dad or step dad, just me. Your ex is going to have to learn to let some things roll off her back. You can help by listening to actual instances your ex is upset about and discussing them with your daughter. If rules vary from house to house, which should be kept to a minimal if possible, then you need to reenforce that the rules must be followed. Don't sympathize about he'd mom being overly strict etc. Don't bad mouth her or let your true feelings show to much. Your daughter will mimic them back to her mom either on purpose or subcontiously. Present as much of a United front as you can.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

TNgirl232 said:


> Part of this is the mother daughter dynamic enhanced by teenage hormones. My daughter doesn't argue or fight with her dad or step dad, just me. Your ex is going to have to learn to let some things roll off her back. You can help by listening to actual instances your ex is upset about and discussing them with your daughter. If rules vary from house to house, which should be kept to a minimal if possible, then you need to reenforce that the rules must be followed. Don't sympathize about he'd mom being overly strict etc. Don't bad mouth her or let your true feelings show to much. Your daughter will mimic them back to her mom either on purpose or subcontiously. Present as much of a United front as you can.


I agree that my Ex needs to let some things go.

I don't bad mouth her.

But I can only be United with her to a point. We have different parenting styles - plain and simple.

Tonight my Ex was threatening to ground my D from her first school dance. The mess started with some discussion about a rumour that some girl in her class - who is a friend of a friend - had sex with an older boy.

It's sad and scary to hear these things - but that's part of being a parent in these times.

And I understand being aware about the company you keep. But this is not a "direct friend." So when my Ex starts to "discuss" this other girls behavior, my D gets defensive and upset. Then - things escalate - my Ex feels "disrespected" - and my D is concerned about being grounded from a dance when she's done nothing wrong.

I'm not sure I "should" be "united" with my Ex if she decides to ground our D - because of a rumor about another kid...


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

I'm not in your situation but in terms of grounding and kids... I wouldn't ground my daughter for something a friend of a friend did.. Why punish her for some strangers actions? That makes no sense in my mind.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Gaia said:


> I'm not in your situation but in terms of grounding and kids... I wouldn't ground my daughter for something a friend of a friend did.. Why punish her for some strangers actions? That makes no sense in my mind.


I "think" it went like this:

Daughter made a comment - being mad at a girl in school who asked a boy about asking my D to a dance.

Rumor is - this girl had sex with a boy a few years older than them.

Daughter tried to talk to "Mom" about this boy and this "trampy girl" who she thought mess things up for her - but Mom got stuck on the girl - a friend of a friend - who claims to have had sex.

Daughter got frustrated - Mom got frustrated - all He!! breaks loose as usual.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

ah.. so in her mind.. this boy that her daughter wanted to go to the dance with has had sex.. or so she heard.. so she thinks he daughters innocence is at stake? Or something along those lines? Still... I wouldn't ground the girl for something she hasn't even done... I'd talk to her about being safe... Or am I reading this wrong?


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

No - the "girl" in question put her nose in D's business by asking this boy if he liked D and wanted to go to the dance with her. The boy is just a boy.

So D is embarrassed - and mad at girl (who maybe had sex) for butting in...

D is just being a normal, goofy 12 year old...worried about a boy asking her to a dance.

Confusing!!! I know...


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

Man this is a catch 22. If D gets grounded and you don't honor it the EX thinks you did that out of spite. If you side with ex to keep the peace D will be upset. Best of luck.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

lol ok.. gotcha now nice. Umm.. I'd talk to the ex about it and explain how you feel and see exactly WHY she is wanting to ground the daughter?


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Gaia said:


> lol ok.. gotcha now nice. Umm.. I'd talk to the ex about it and explain how you feel and see exactly WHY she is wanting to ground the daughter?


Because - D was upset about girl talking to boy - Mom only wanted to talk about whether or not this girl had sex or not / so D got aggravated - heated argument followed.

Ex got mad at me because when i picked up kids after work, I pointed out that D just seemed sad and upset - while Ex was her good old grumpy self. This was said out of earshot of D...

This "United Front" business isn't easy.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

joe kidd said:


> Man this is a catch 22. If D gets grounded and you don't honor it the EX thinks you did that out of spite. If you side with ex to keep the peace D will be upset. Best of luck.


I sent Ex a message asking that she send me an email to help me understand things a bit better. Doubt she will...


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Ah... well.. thats all up to you if you want to ground her as well or not. I guess it's mainly because Ex felt daughter was being disrespectful and needs to learn manners?


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

nice777guy said:


> I sent Ex a message asking that she send me an email to help me understand things a bit better. Doubt she will...


I hope she does. Would really help you out.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Gaia said:


> Ah... well.. thats all up to you if you want to ground her as well or not. I guess it's mainly because Ex felt daughter was being disrespectful and needs to learn manners?


Yes - that's exactly it!

But you threaten to ground a 12 year old girl from her first school dance - while she's freaking out about a boy she's crushing on - do you really expect her to calm down?

Like throwing gas on the fire.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

lol true.... you should try and see if you can get the ex to understand that? Or maybe limit the time she gets to be there? Have her do a few added chores for a week? Maybe throw in some of those suggestions and see if ex will go for it?


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Heck maybe that and an apology from daughter to ex for disrespectful behavior if she wants to go to the dance?


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Gaia said:


> Heck maybe that and an apology from daughter to ex for disrespectful behavior if she wants to go to the dance?


Seems reasonable. Ex has them this weekend. I talked to D about being on her BEST behavior. 

But this has been pretty typical stuff...


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Talked to the counselor at my D's school today.

Just AMAZES me much my Ex can still get to me and make me doubt myself.

Counselor was glad I brought the "friend of a friend's" issue to her attention. She also assured me that my D is doing just fine at school - aside from the typical 12 year old girl drama.

I didnt go into my issues - or D's issues - with the Ex - just kept it to what I'd been told and a few questions about my D.

Good talk...


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