# All Day fight



## darkfilly (Mar 7, 2014)

I would really appreciate feedback about this incident, because frankly it makes no sense to me.

We had been having discussions for awhile about my husband having ex girlfriends on his FB friends list. While I understood from him that he doesn't even communicate with them, beyond an occasional comment on a status update, I have long felt that it isn't right for a married man to have female exes as friends on FB. I had also been reading the book, Facebook And Your Marriage, and felt pretty validated by the authors standpoint on this. So last night the topic came up again and my husband seemed pretty adamant about claiming that I don't trust him, that I am insecure and jealous of these other women. Well to be honest, I am not jealous or insecure about them. What bothers me is his unswerving loyalty to these "friendships" even though they are causing friction between us. But he doesn't see it that way, so I am portrayed as a jealous, insecure wreck over people from his past. 

I tried using the example of how would he feel if I had ex boyfriends on my friends list, and was being stubborn about unfriending them if he told me it made him uncomfortable. But he got angry and just went to sleep. 

So this morning, I came out to say good morning, and he actually commanded me to come and stand in front of his computer while he angrily unfriended each ex girlfriend. It felt like a sucker punch. I was still half asleep and couldn't understand why he was being so hateful. It hurt for him to do it this way as if I had commanded him to throw away his favorite armchair. I am still hurt. I can't believe that he doesn't see what was wrong with it, and worse that he thinks that the sole reason I felt uncomfortable with it is because I am jealous!

:crying:


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Why is it so hard to understand that he might see this differently than do you?

I had to go through the same exercise with my wife. I had an ex with whom I rarely had any exchanges. My wife said that every time she saw one of her posts appear on my timeline, none of which had anything to do with me, she would get all upset.

So I unfriended her. But the problem was my wife's, not mine. I think she was wrong, but it was in our marriage's best interests to do as she wished.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

I don't see anything wrong with your position. Many marriages have been broken up with the help of Facebook.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Right and wrong for both of you.

I have ex's on FB, am amicable with and have coffee's and dinners with my ex husband (and kids) but my SO trusts me. My SO travels for work, has dinner with his ex (and their kids) but I trust my partner.

If I was accused of being untrustworthy it would be a personal insult because I am trustworthy. I don't accuse my partner of being untrustworthy because I do trust him.

Look at why this was such a big deal for you, do have you have reason to not trust your husband? 
Your husband was very passive aggressive about his reaction. You guys have some issues to work on here that may need a third party to help you with.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
I am still FB friends with an Ex. I think that as long as the conversations are not hidden, there is nothing wrong with this. I would be unhappy if my wife insisted that I break contact with anyone. 

I understand the fear of loosing someone, but I'm afraid that telling someone to cut off contact could easily push them away. It shows a lack of trust, and someone who is not trusted, may not fell that they need to behave in a trustworthy fashion.

Its sad, I see signs that my wife trusts me less with time - not based on anything I have done. She tries to hide it, but I notice her snooping in various ways. I always admired her for trusting me, and would never have done anything to violate that trust. If the trust is gone, it feels like there is less to violate. (see my long ago thread about the jewelry store card).


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## darkfilly (Mar 7, 2014)

Cletus said:


> Why is it so hard to understand that he might see this differently than do you?


I wish I knew! I really wish I knew why we can't see eye to eye on this. Maybe it has to do with his behavior early in our relationship, when he couldn't seem to stop mentioning various ex girlfriends. I listened at first, puzzled but trying to be patient. Then I got tired of him recounting stories about them all the time. I asked him very reasonably to please try to focus on us, and our new relationship, and explained that I felt uncomfortable with how much he had to keep bringing these other women up. So maybe seeing these woman being friends with him on FB recreates that same pain? 



Cletus said:


> I had to go through the same exercise with my wife. I had an ex with whom I rarely had any exchanges. My wife said that every time she saw one of her posts appear on my timeline, none of which had anything to do with me, she would get all upset.
> 
> So I unfriended her. But the problem was my wife's, not mine. I think she was wrong, but it was in our marriage's best interests to do as she wished.


Perhaps I will show this to my husband. If only he could see that it is in our marriages best interest! I admit that the problem is mine. What hurts is the way that he responded. Grudgingly, angrily.


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## perol (Oct 6, 2015)

If he's not hiding anything from you and you trust him not to doing anything inappropriate with these girls then why did you have such a huge issue with it?

Sometimes ex's CAN be friends and there's nothing wrong with that at all.

I think you are being unreasonable, I totally get his anger, and he probably thinks you don't trust him.

FB isn't the problem here, it's your jealousy and lack of trust in him. That will spawn bigger problems over time, just wait and see.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

i think face book ruins lots of marriages. if he chooses this hill to die on then its pretty telling of his inability to be the husband you need. for crying out loud if he barley even talks with them then is a small compromise to have a happy wife.


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## darkfilly (Mar 7, 2014)

Well, I am happy to report that we have had a talk and I got him to see that it wasn't about lack of trust, but about my feeling uncomfortable with him getting upset about my wanting to talk about it. I realize that it came across as a lack of trust but that was not the issue. And his reluctance to unfriend the exes aroused my suspicions. I also have a strong dislike of FB because I have had some hurtful experiences with friends and family on there, so that played a role, too. And of course his angry response was hurtful as I am very sensitive. I made it clear that I don't object to his being on Facebook, and he has decided to leave the two exes unfriended because they never even talked much if at all. He is also going to purge some other friends off his list that he hasn't been actively talking with. 

I want to thank you guys for your varying responses because they helped me to clarify my feelings and discuss them better with my husband!


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

@darkfilly--are you being jealous, irrational, and making a big deal out of nothing, when you want him to unfriend his exes on Facebook? Yeah, maybe. But everybody does irrational stuff sometimes. It happens. No biggie.

What IS MORE IRRATIONAL is your husband's reaction. It seems really strange that he would prioritize superficial Facebook "friendships" over his partner's peace of mind. Are they really that important to him? I doubt it. You're asking for something which, in the overall scheme of things, is very insignificant, but which will also give you a great amount of security, and would pay off large emotional dividends. Like @Cletus posted above, his wife asked for something similar, and he thought it was weird, but he did it anyway, because that's what was best for their relationship, and ultimately, it didn't really matter all that much to him. it was a small (negligible) sacrifice for much greater gain.

So why is your husband making such a big freaking deal about it? I think you need to get to the bottom of THAT.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

Ah.......
I am so glad we are not on facebook. I refuse all that crapola. No facebook, no twitter, no smartphone, nothin. When someone makes fun of my flip phone, I toss it across the room and slam it against the wall. "can your phone do this?" I say.

Regarding the question.
They are called "ex" girlfriends for a reason. That would be analogous to keeping my "little black book" with codes I had next to the names. First thing I did when I got married was to burn that "little black book." Ah, the memories. If I were a recovering crack addict, the last thing I should have in storage is some crack. Don't be fooled, speaking as a male, regarding our old lady friends, we're all past addicts. (at least I am)

Sometimes you have to learn to just move on and move forward. Ex's on facebook, that's a no no IMO.

Easy for me to say, cause I ain't got facebook and I'm soooo glad I don't.


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## perol (Oct 6, 2015)

darkfilly said:


> I realize that it came across as a lack of trust but that was not the issue.


You say it has nothing to do with trust or lack thereof, but then you say this:



darkfilly said:


> And his reluctance to unfriend the exes aroused my suspicions.


suspicions= lack of trust.

I don't think you're being honest with yourself about the reasons you want him to discontinue communication with his ex's.


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## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

I have an ex BF on my friend list and I won't defriend him. He was my BF in high school...many years ago. We have shared friendships and history. I'm also FB friends with his wife and daughter.

The H can go pound sand if he thinks he's going to manage my Facebook page. If he were to ever get that invasive, I'll block my friends list. 

As it is, he is friends with the ex BF too, and he has an old GF on his list as well.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

LonelyinLove said:


> I have an ex BF on my friend list and I won't defriend him. He was my BF in high school...many years ago. We have shared friendships and history. I'm also FB friends with his wife and daughter.
> 
> *The H can go pound sand if he thinks he's going to manage my Facebook page. If he were to ever get that invasive, I'll block my friends list.*
> 
> As it is, he is friends with the ex BF too, and he has an old GF on his list as well.


So your Facebook friends are more important to you than your marriage. To each their own, and no doubt, this works for your relationship,


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## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

samyeagar said:


> So your Facebook friends are more important to you than your marriage. To each their own, and no doubt, this works for your relationship,


It's not an issue in marriage...I married a grown-up...and we've been married for 36 years.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

LonelyinLove said:


> I have an ex BF on my friend list and I won't defriend him. He was my BF in high school...many years ago. We have shared friendships and history. I'm also FB friends with his wife and daughter.
> 
> The H can go pound sand if he thinks he's going to manage my Facebook page. If he were to ever get that invasive, I'll block my friends list.
> 
> As it is, he is friends with the ex BF too, and he has an old GF on his list as well.


So, you're saying that if it really bothered him that you were friends with an ex on Facebook (and let's say for argument's sake that he was NOT friends with any exes on Facebook)... if it really bothered him that you were friends with an ex on Facebook, that you would BLOCK YOUR HUSBAND rather than unfriend your ex from high school? And basically send your husband the message that your high school ex Facebook friendship is more important than he is?

Wow.


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## perol (Oct 6, 2015)

LonelyinLove said:


> The H can go pound sand if he thinks he's going to manage my Facebook page. If he were to ever get that invasive, I'll block my friends list.
> 
> As it is, he is friends with the ex BF too, and he has an old GF on his list as well.


You sound like you're angry at your husband.


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## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

FeministInPink said:


> So, you're saying that if it really bothered him that you were friends with an ex on Facebook (and let's say for argument's sake that he was NOT friends with any exes on Facebook)... if it really bothered him that you were friends with an ex on Facebook, that you would BLOCK YOUR HUSBAND rather than unfriend your ex from high school? And basically send your husband the message that your high school ex Facebook friendship is more important than he is?
> 
> Wow.


Okay.

So if it really bothered me to unfriend on old friend, who I have kept in contact with for years, based only on my H's jealousy and unfounded feelings, the message my husband is sending me is that his feelings are much more important than mine, right? 

This is a two edged sword, and I'm not fencing.


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## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

perol said:


> You sound like you're angry at your husband.


No, this isn't an issue for me.

Deleting people from our past based on the jealousy and insecurities of our SO is not a good thing.

Everyone from our past is part of our story and unless there are still romantic feelings, what is the big deal?


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

LonelyinLove said:


> It's not an issue in marriage...I married a grown-up...and we've been married for 36 years.


You GO girl !!!

I think the perfect analogy would be alcoholism.
Some people can drink ONE drink every day with no problem whatsoever and others who are alcoholics can NEVER drink, lest they fall.
Obviously LonelyinLove and her husband are mature in their relationship and have no hang ups regarding ex's. I on the other hand have a more addictive, weak personality in regards to the opposite sex. My wife knows this and I know this, therefore no interaction with ex's, even as "friends."


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

LonelyinLove said:


> Okay.
> 
> So if it really bothered me to unfriend on old friend, who I have kept in contact with for years, based only on my H's jealousy and unfounded feelings, the message my husband is sending me is that his feelings are much more important than mine, right?
> 
> This is a two edged sword, and I'm not fencing.


Is this a friendship that you would have maintained, if not for Facebook?


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

It always strikes me how vastly different everyone's opinions are on opposite sex friends. I will say that I think much of this has to do with our pasts as to what we have for deal breakers.

I had female friends and one X who I communicated with prior to marriage, my X was insecure so I had to get rid of them/ stop communicating with them. This was all before the invention of Facebook mind you. First came the X girlfriend. Now I will say I actually do agree with that one. If you ever had a romantic relationship and said I love you to someone then they are very unlikely to be a friend to the marriage so she had to go. After marriage came the female friends. This was totally about her, my X wife, comfort even though I never had any romantic relationship with any of those women. Just friends I had through school and programs. Then came the male friends I had that she didn't like, so they had to go as well....

14 years later many a bridge I had burned in the name of "her comfort" and it got me know where. After divorce I reconnected with some of my past friends thanks to Facebook. I have no X girlfriends though. Moving forward I refuse to have my friendships dictated by my SO. This is who and what I am, these are my friends. If that is something you can't handle so be we aren't meant for one another. So far only had one woman who threw down its her or me scenario, let's just say all my friends are still intact.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

LonelyinLove said:


> No, this isn't an issue for me.
> 
> Deleting people from our past based on the jealousy and insecurities of our SO is not a good thing.
> 
> Everyone from our past is part of our story and unless there are still romantic feelings, what is the big deal?


And if they are in the present, then they are not in the past.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

samyeagar said:


> And if they are in the present, then they are not in the past.


I think this might be the part of my scenario that LonelyinLove isn't getting.

I think the OP is establishing boundaries that her husband doesn't like, even though those boundaries are in the best interest of the relationship. These boundaries honor her need for emotional security, and her having emotional security are in the best interest of the relationship.

The decision isn't really about HIM. It isn't really about HER. It's about the relationship. He's not picking up on that.

And she's practicing mate guarding, the lite version.


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## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

FeministInPink said:


> I think this might be the part of my scenario that LonelyinLove isn't getting.
> 
> I think the OP is establishing boundaries that her husband doesn't like, even though those boundaries are in the best interest of the relationship. These boundaries honor her need for emotional security, and her having emotional security are in the best interest of the relationship.
> 
> ...


First...what the heck is "mate guarding"?

I have a feeling I wouldn't like it done to me...I'm a grown woman with dogs, a security system and a gun...what would be guarded, exactly? 

Second...how do you honor insecurity? Shouldn't that be a negative, not a positive? 

I do get it....she is insecure and jealous and will probably make him resentful, eventually if not today, of the forfeited Facebook friendship. 

As for the past being the present...and???? Isn't that why we go to class reunions, are excited to hear news of old co-workers, can't wait to see far off family on holidays?

Our past is important. The people of our past are important. 

Personally, I collect as many people from my own past as I can, and I am happy to keep them in my present.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

LonelyinLove said:


> First...what the heck is "mate guarding"?
> 
> I have a feeling I wouldn't like it done to me...I'm a grown woman with dogs, a security system and a gun...what would be guarded, exactly?
> 
> ...


Search TAM for "mate guarding"--that will explain it better than I ever can. I get the impression that it's practiced by more guys than women.

And we don't know the OP's whole backstory. She's new to TAM. If she's been cheated on in the past, etc... it might not be insecurity and jealousy that's behind this. It could be that she simply wants to protect her relationship, and in her experience, continued communication with exes poses a really BIG threat. Someone who has been betrayed might have different boundaries than someone who hasn't. This is her NEED in this relationship. It doesn't matter where it comes from, or whether you or I think it's reasonable. She needs that security, for some reason. We don't get to judge her reason for it.

(Personally, I think she has good reason. Just google "Facebook ruins marriage.")

If you're actively engaging with an ex on a regular basis, he's not in the past. He's part of your present. Prior to Facebook, people that were from the past stayed in the past. Letting go of those people is how you move forward and focus on the present; Facebook allows us to cling to bastions of the past that we should just let go. Not everyone is meant to stay in your life forever. But, thanks to Facebook, now everyone is in your life FOREVER.

(And personally, if someone isn't part of my present, I don't really care about their news. I don't like catching up with former co-workers, and I hate class reunions. If I want to keep someone in my life, I keep them. I don't need a reunion or whatever for mandatory catch-up time. And family is never past. Family is always present, and future.)

I'm not saying that the past isn't important. But that is where it belongs. In the past.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

There are some observations I've made from my 8 years on FB, and they are the reason I don't maintain an account any longer. 

- News updates about kids bowel movements. 
- News updates about mundane things (I have a cold, a hang nail, etc) 
- Selfies, bathroom selfies, stick selfies
- Relationship drama galore (it's always complicated) 
- Flirting, cheating between married people, out and in public
- Banning of family members (many friends banned parents because they posted embarrassing photos) 
- Name and shame (get on the shame bandwagon, random ppl of teh Internetz!) 
- Personally was ninja stalked by my ex through a mutual friend that didn't know my ex was still friended. 
- Classmates from my masters program trying to friend me creepily through connections to other friends.
- Everyone's wedding/vacation/slimming/lifting/PX-90 Insanity/gains/bathroom flexing in underpants/DUCKFACE pictures, Instagram filtered to the max. 

Whatever happened to picking up the darn phone?

Anyway, on topic.... I have personally witnessed amazing amounts of heartache and jealousy because of FB. Those who have worked out an arrangement with their SO, that's one thing, but as we have experienced much on TAM, if one partner is hurt, it is in the best interest and respect for the relationship that the hurtful behavior cease and desist and for there to be open discussion about the reasons.


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## darkfilly (Mar 7, 2014)

I think we got to the bottom of his attitude in our discussion about it. I explained that I had been reading about Facebook being a key factor in marriage troubles, and that what I had been doing was wanting to talk with him about my worries, fears, etc. I needed validation from him, was all. He thought it was only about me being jealous of the ex girlfriends, and trying to control him. Boy, was he surprised when I was able to honestly say that it wasn't so much that I wanted him to unfriend them, but that it was more about my need for him to just validate my feelings and to show me he understood them, instead of immediately assuming that I was just jealous.


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## darkfilly (Mar 7, 2014)

FeministInPink said:


> And we don't know the OP's whole backstory. She's new to TAM. If she's been cheated on in the past, etc... it might not be insecurity and jealousy that's behind this. It could be that she simply wants to protect her relationship, and in her experience, continued communication with exes poses a really BIG threat. Someone who has been betrayed might have different boundaries than someone who hasn't. This is her NEED in this relationship. It doesn't matter where it comes from, or whether you or I think it's reasonable. She needs that security, for some reason. We don't get to judge her reason for it.
> 
> (Personally, I think she has good reason. Just google "Facebook ruins marriage.")
> 
> ...


Thank you so much for your validation! I have gotten a few responses from people who seem to think like my husband did, that I am simply jealous for no good reason at all. Like you said, my history is not known here on TAM. One point I would like to make to those who think I am being unreasonable, is that I met one of my husband's ex girlfriends at a reunion. This woman behaved as if they were still dating, even though she was married with kids in college. Worse, whenever pictures were being taken, she would step right in front of me as if she and my husband were still a couple. This is just one example of why I felt uncomfortable for him to be friends with her on FB. She clearly did not respect our marriage and my husband was oblivious to her behavior. He thought I was jealous of her, when what I was fighting for was correct boundaries. At one point she even leaned across him to pick something up. He just sat there, but later admitted that it made him uncomfortable.

Again, thank you for your response!:smile2:


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