# Am I right to belive we should be married?



## Missjlb87 (Oct 18, 2009)

Hi

Well, where to start ... 

I have been with my partner for 5 years and 5 months. We meet at the age of 16 and started dating just before my 17th birthday (he is 6 months younger) I was in my last year of school, he in his second last. We had been together for 2 years and 6 months when we fell pregnant. I was 19, he 18. He wanted me to terminate the pregnancy and i refused. We moved out of home and into a rental property the month before our daughter was born. He had been in his apprenticeship for 12 months and was enjoying it. I was working full time also up until 3 weeks before our due date. We had spoken and decided that i would return to work after Ella's 1st birthday, so that i would be able to breastfeed for the length of time i wanted.

We moved twice and saved our back sides off for our first home. I returned to work in October 2008, shortly after moving in with my older Brother in an effort to save money. In December 2008 we purchased our first home! So now the time has come and the arguing has begun. 

Prior to moving out of home, in our younger days, we would always talk about marriage and kids and he had no issues opening up about it. He knew i wanted to be married and starting a family by my 23rd birthday and he had no issue with it!!!

I have asked, nagged, wined, complained, cried and begged to get a straight answer out of him. WHEN WILL WE GET MARRIED AND HAVE MORE KIDS????? He refuses to talk about it! Each time the subject is bought up i get a cold shoulder and a grumbbled i dont want to talk about it... His Mother gets the same response. His excuse is that he is not ready. She believes he is in too much of a comfort zone and that because we have Ella and the house he knows i am not going any where. I dont know how true that is. Why would i know when the only time i hear i love you is when i say it first.

I made a promise to him that when going through with Ella's pregnancy that he would not loose his youth and i have been true to my word! My partner is a NRL foot baller who goes to the gym every night, plays football every weekend and parties very often with his mates. So basically spends alot of time away from home. I understand why most guys our age wouldn't be ready, but in our circumstance, what would change?

I am 100% certain that he does love me and our daughter and that he has never cheated on me. So my question to you all is, Am i right to think we should be married (or at least engaged)??????????


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Are the two things connected ? married and have more kids?
It is a lot of responsibility for you both at your age - honestly if things are going fine (aside from this) I wouldn't push him right now - just my gut feeling about your situation -
guys take a long time to grow up and pressuring them can backfire 
(they have released that research recently that shows guy's brains are still 'developing' up to 25) 
for a young chap your partner has demonstrated a lot of maturity (as have you) but for him perhaps getting married and more children isn't quite what he can handle at the moment
honey I just want to say ENJOY what you have - you have been lucky


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## Missjlb87 (Oct 18, 2009)

Yes i am very lucky! And i do love him very much. Yes the kids and marriage are connected.

Its not so much that i want it now but more a case of him telling me when ... roughly. This is the issue with me, that he refuses to talk about it!!!


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

I just hear other frustrations in your post - is this the only thing that you have trouble talking about?

And asking him say when is also a pressure - my advice is still the same - enjoy what you have without the pressure to do something he obviously isn't ready for right now - and I'd keep his mum out of the picture as well - it's between you and him...


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## larniegrl (Oct 7, 2009)

Most men...the more pressure you apply, the more they refuse to move forward. It just going against their nature to be one making the decision...especially if you are on his case for the "rough" draft. 

If everything else in your life right now is ok, then just give it a rest of awhile and wait...see what happens.


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## Missjlb87 (Oct 18, 2009)

Of course we have our little arguments but the not opening up to at least talk about it is what gets to me! Yes this is not the only thing we have trouble talking about. He is very hard to have any serious conversation with. But he is by no means immmature! 

Yes i will enjoy what we have now, i just wanted other peoples opinion to see if i was being un resonable.

His Mum is wonderful. She never gives advice unless its asked for!!! She sits back and allowes us to raise our daughter our way and she never tells us to do things the way "they should be done"

She was almost 30 when she had my partner and waited years for a proposal, so i talk to her about it because she knows exactly how i feel, she has felt it too and it bloody hurts! See he is too much like his Father lol.

I have backed off and will give it a rest, but for how long?


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## 1nurse (Jan 21, 2009)

I'm confused. How can you "fall" pregnant? Why would you create a child in a noncomitted relationship? Did you think that was fair to do to your child?? Well...sorry to tell you but honey he's NEVER going to marry you or he would have asked you already. I don't understand why some women do this to themselves. My personal beliefs. Love first, then marriage, then babies. Men don't have to be nagged, coerced, or persuaded into marriage. If he really wanted to get married he would ASK YOU!! 

You face some hard choices here. If you really want to get married move on and find someone else. Just remember you made these choices before anyone berates me for being to harsh. You also put your child in the position of not being legitimized by having her parents properly married. Good Luck.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

1nurse said:


> I'm confused. How can you "fall" pregnant? Why would you create a child in a noncomitted relationship? Did you think that was fair to do to your child?? Well...sorry to tell you but honey he's NEVER going to marry you or he would have asked you already. I don't understand why some women do this to themselves. My personal beliefs. Love first, then marriage, then babies. Men don't have to be nagged, coerced, or persuaded into marriage. If he really wanted to get married he would ASK YOU!!
> 
> You face some hard choices here. If you really want to get married move on and find someone else. Just remember you made these choices before anyone berates me for being to harsh. You also put your child in the position of not being legitimized by having her parents properly married. Good Luck.


This young girl is asking for advice - cut the moralising - many people fall pregnant! These young people sound like they are doing a fine job of raising their child - and I am sure that they love her - I fail to see how this sort of post helps anyone - except maybe yourself to feel so much better than ther est of us!


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

You do know how much longer it takes boys to mature than girls, right?

You're going to have to decide if marriage is that important to you and then set a date -- preferably far into the future, because this guy is still very young -- and if he doesn't step up and ask, you are going to have to make alternative plans.

Begging someone to marry you when they don't want to is a built-in excuse for divorce or cheating. You don't want to go there.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I do agree with backing off for a while, I would even say for a couple of months and reapproach the subject then. Be honest and tell him that you love him and want to be married to him. Ask him if he sees this in your future. Honestly, he might be scared out of his mind. It is a lot to think about, no matter how long you have talked about it beforehand. Definately don't nag him about it or try to guilt trip him, but do tell him what you need from him and that you guys need to talk about it one day soon to clear the air. Best of luck honey!!


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## WhatToThink (Mar 30, 2009)

I feel for you. I know how it goes once you have a child and have to go through this. It is like you have to be okay with whatever your guy puts you through if you want it to work out for the sake of the child. I don't know what sort of advice to give you but I can tell you this much - If your guy wont tell you that he loves you unless you say it first, you should keep your options open. Just remember that until the two of you are married or _at least engaged, you are a SINGLE woman. You have talked to him about it, you've laid it all on the line, and he hasn't commited. Not completely anyway. Until he does, you're free as a bird. Go on a date... make him realize what he has and that it's your CHOICE to be with him... It's not mandatory._


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## Missjlb87 (Oct 18, 2009)

omg 1nurse you should be so proud of your happy little life!!! Not that it is any of your business but i will tell you anyway. I was on the pill when i fell pregnant with my daughter!!! I missed no pills, and i will tell you this also. My partner and i were both virgins when we meet and to this day have only ever been with each other! We were together for many months before we decided to sleep together and we did because we loved each other. How do you "fall" pregnant? You have sex! Some do it for lust, i did for love. Sorry but i too am be very honest here, you quite obviously have lived a very sheltered life. You are a horrible person and knortoh is right, i am on here asking for advice so i ask that you do not offer any more and go back to your happy little family. I want advice not to be looked down on by people like you. Heaven forbid our child is ill-legitimiate. I would love for you to come into a room full of two year olds and pick the children whose parents are not married ... you couldn't!!! As can our Daughter not tell that because we dont wear rings or have a piece of paper she isnt as "good" as the other kids who parents are. I am a wonderful mother and my partner is a wonderful Father. We have done nothing but the best for our Daughter since the day she was born. She is a very bright, happy little girl who lights up our lives. How dare you say that us being married or not changes that! 

I think your post has 100% changed my mind. I am happy, so however long it takes my Partner to propose is as long as it takes. I love him and I know he loves me. We are happy and we have a very happpy and very healthy daughter together that was created purely out of love for one another! So i thank you for cementing in my mind how happy i am! But just so you know, i dont think anyone will be as happy as you, will they?

I have no plans of moving on and finding someone who will marry me!!! My Partner will, when he is ready. And he will marry me one day, i just asked him! His answer was yes when i am ready so  At the end of the day he is still 21 and we have the rest of our lives *together* to get married.

knortoh - Thank you for your support! Your advice is wonderful.

dobo and DawnD - I agree with your post completely! Thanks. This is basically my plan.

WhatToThink - I am not sure where you guys are all from (i am from Australia) but down here not being married doesnt mean you are not in a commited relationship. I do not consider myself a single woman and never would in a relationship. I thank you very much for you advice and i see exactly where you are coming from.

So my plan now ... i have backed off and will continue to do so. BUT tonight i plan on having a big talk with him. Not to nag or whine but to just know what he is thinking. I shall let you all know, thanks again for all of your help ... and 1nurse issed:

so now you are probably wondering why the hell me being married is so important to me, right? I am from a family of 5 kids. I have an older full Brother (we were legitamite, just so you know) and a younger half Brother and 2 half Sisters all from my Mum. So Mum has my surname as my parents never divorced. My younger siblings have their Father's surname. I always thought it a little strange that Mum had the same name as my older Brother and I and not the younger three. Dont panic 1nurse - we were all normal kids (our names didnt change that) I hate the fact that Ella isn't "connected" to me. I also want to be married so that people like 1nurse dont look down on me. And the number one reason - I love my partner and want to spend the rest of my life with him, i want the ring and piece of paper so that the rest of the world know that too!

Ok off my soap box now ...


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Funny how reading the unhelpful post helped you to focus your thoughts! :smthumbup:
I really hope you guys have a long and happy life together -


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## Missjlb87 (Oct 18, 2009)

Ok, so we had the talk.

He basically said to me last night that we have 80 years of living to do and he feels too young to marry. I explained to him (while holding back tears) that i love him and i am certain i want to spend the rest of my life with him, i am prepared to wait, but just want to know why he thought we should. I said getting engaged didnt mean we had to marry immediately after, he said than what is the point, i'd rather just wait until i am ready. I said so that i can show off a ring that proves to the evil people out there like 1nurse that you do plan to one day (however far away) marry me. He just disagrees and in a round about way said he doesnt want the long engagement and for now he believes our house and the $275,000 debt to go with it are a big enough commitment to each other. I left to have a shower and the conversation and everyones opinion on here got to much and i cried and cried!!! It hurts very badly and i believe it will until the day i have that ring on my finger but ...

we are both happy (me aside from this), so why rush. If i am still in this position at my 25th birthday, then i think i have cause for concern. Until and if that day comes, i have two beautiful people to love and care for!


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## MsLady (Dec 1, 2008)

Oh hon, you are both so young. You DO have a huge commitment to one another: your child, your house.

While I understand why having a home and a child with your partner makes you want to cross that final hurdle (marriage), I am more surprised by your urgency to marry than by his hesitation to do so. At 21, you should have so many personal goals to accomplish that marriage shouldn't be so do-or-die right now. I really mean this in a kind way, but have you relinquished your personal goals in the midst of being a mother and wife (and you ARE a defacto wife, don't let anyone tell you otherwise, paper or no paper). A great way to let the issue go for now is to really delve into your personal life plans.

I can see that his hesitation to get married makes you wonder about his commitment level despite all other evidence to how committed he is. And you are right to wonder. But, sometimes it's the symbol that a person is not ready for, rather than the person they are with. He's clearly SHOWING commitment, so I would love him and just be. If down the road, he leaves, you will still be okay. People leave relationships even when they've signed the papers, so that's no guarantee of anything.

As for legitimacy, tell people to f*** off if anyone (as previous poster did) gives you a hard time for not being married. NONE of their business, and it makes your relationship no less than anyone else's.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Wow. You aren't going to wait, are you. You're going to push and push until he decides he doesn't want to marry you at all.

Seems to me that you want an engagement ring more than anything and that is really what's bothering you. You want to be able to brag that he asked. 

He isn't ready. Again, if you can't handle the situation, pick a date in about 5 years and if he doesn't marry you by then, ditch him. But let it be that far in the future. He is simply too young. You guys doing everything out of order has already put a lot of pressure on the guy.


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## hoping (Sep 28, 2009)

sorry, i think, and it's only my opinion, you should try to relax about it... just tell the world to (as MsLady put it) F*** off 

there are a lot of people on this site who are in marriages that they can't stand and i would bet that a lot of them did it because it was the supposed to be done "you have to get married to spend the rest of your life to gether" kind of thinking... let me tell you, i am all for marriage, but it is not required to be happy and have a loveing monogynous relationship. i know a couple at my work who have both been to gether for nearly 20 years, never married and don't plan to, they have 6 wonderfull kids...(ok may be not wonderful but what can you expect a teen to be other than a pain in the ars) my point is, you have a great thing going for you, don't ruin it over a ring or the opinions of others.

and as i said, this is only MY opinion 

good luck


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I am glad to see that you decided to give him some time honey. And I am even more happy that you know that you are happy without being married. I know that your little one is going to grow up knowing that she was made out of love and that she was raised her whole life being loved by both you and her father. No question there at all.

As far as people judging you, it is always going to happen. Guess what, hubby and I got married and about 2 months later I got pregnant with our first child. What was the judgement then? Is that why you got married, because you were pregnant? Hello, do the math is all I would say.We got married in July 2002 and I had my son in June 2003. Der. People are always going to judge and the only thing you can do is ask them why they feel the need to judge your life instead of their own.

My husband has a daughter from a previous relationship and I swear to god if someone walked up and said anything to that girl because my husband and her mother weren't married the cops would have to be called. I am not a violent person, but I am protective of my kids, and I consider her to be in that category. We have had several comments from friends about him having a daughter and my response is always " why don't you mind your own effing business and grow up". Enough said!


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## hoping (Sep 28, 2009)

DawnD said:


> My husband has a daughter from a previous relationship and I swear to god if someone walked up and said anything to that girl because my husband and her mother weren't married the cops would have to be called. I am not a violent person, but I am protective of my kids, and I consider her to be in that category. We have had several comments from friends about him having a daughter and my response is always " why don't you mind your own effing business and grow up". Enough said!


THREE CHEERS!!!!! :iagree::smthumbup:


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## Missjlb87 (Oct 18, 2009)

Wow that brightened my day! 

I gave this site a rest, as with face book for a while after 1nurse's post ... it completely shattered me! Facebook was getting too much because each time i went on someone else was pregnant or engaged lol. So over it now, I am happy with my life and yes the rest of the world can just f*** off!!! :smthumbup: He will ask when his is damn well ready to xxoo to you all 

Dobo - I dont understand that post, Yes i am going to wait! :scratchhead: And it certainly is not the engagement ring i want!!! I couldn't care less if when the time comes the thing cost him $2 lol. I will not be 'ditching' him ever, but i do thank you for your opinion.


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## hoping (Sep 28, 2009)

so glad to hear you are happy


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