# Renewing Contact



## SoxFan (Jun 9, 2012)

Didn't know if this was the appropriate place to post this but I wanted some thoughts from folks about this issue that has recently been troubling me.

About 5 years ago by sister and BIL divorced. They had been married almost 30 years at the time and they had been together and he had been part of my life since I was in my early teens (am in my earlier 50s now). He had developed an EA with a co-worker, I don't know if it got to a PA before he and my sister got divorced. As a bit of a background my sister is a very, VERY difficult personality and the joke around the family always was to ask him "how do you put up with all the crap you do"? Well I guess he finally decided he couldn't and one thing lead to another. Now I don't condone the cheating and he really should have gotten out before he acted on his attraction to his new friend but I can not change the past.

He has now been married the the OW for about 3 years now. I have had no contact with him since the divorce but lately I've been wondering if it would be appropriate for me to contact him to catch up and see how his life is. He is godfather to one of my kids and literally has had no contact with any of my children or others in our immediate family since the divorce. He kept up contact for a while after the D but it started to get awkward and the communication ceased. I think one of the overriding reasons no one in my immediate family had pursued keeping a relationship with him is because my sister can be extremely vindictive and would have a bad reaction to it and made life miserable for all of us. 

I get it about supporting my sister in this and as I said no one condones what he did although we can understand his reasons albeit not the way he did it but the guy was like an older brother to me and I have had the loss of some people close to me lately and also some battling some significant health problems so I got to thinking about the fleeting nature of life and relationships. It literally was like he was just cut out of all our lives after the D. 

So for anyone who has been on the other side of a family divorce have you ever kept contact with your relatives ex, or anyone else who has some thoughts on this I'd like to hear them. This has really got me torn. Thanks for any input.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

I find it very awkward to even be in the presence of either of the two guys who are exs to two of my sisters. And my sisters are semi-amicable with them. 

If it were ME, I wouldn't even ask them for the time of day. They're both cheaters. If your sister is hurt over this, you should avoid this guy and confide in someone else. Let sleeping dogs lie.


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

I don't see anything at all wrong w you contacting him. 
But I wouldn't advertise it to your sister.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

It's very possible that he would prefer not to have contact with his ex-W's family.


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## Zanna (May 10, 2012)

If he wanted to keep in touch with his ex-wife's family then he should have had more respect for her and pursued a divorce prior to getting involved with OW. He did not cheat on your sister due to her "difficult" personality but due to his inability to handle the situation with more maturity. No one knows what goes on in a marriage and I'd bet he was no peach himself behind closed doors. 

If your sister is fine with the contact then contact him but your loyalty should be with your sister first and foremost.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

old timer said:


> I don't see anything at all wrong w you contacting him.
> But I wouldn't advertise it to your sister.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 This advice is wrong on many levels.


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

I think you should reach out to him... I think one of the most painful aspects of my own divorce was instantly losing an entire family. My ex forbid them all to speak with me, saying it'd be betrayal if they did.

if it was more recent I would advise against, but unless your sis is still hung up on him... I would think it is fine.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Pepper123 said:


> I think you should reach out to him... I think one of the most painful aspects of my own divorce was instantly losing an entire family. My ex forbid them all to speak with me, saying it'd be betrayal if they did.
> 
> if it was more recent I would advise against, but unless your sis is still hung up on him... I would think it is fine.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


But did you cheat on your wife?
That makes a huge difference.
No you shouldn't contact him. Your loyalty should be with your sister, not your cheating ex BIL
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Love2326 (Oct 31, 2012)

Here's the main question: how would your sister feel if she knew you contacted him??? If she would flip out, don't do it. She is your sister no matter what. Blood is thicker than anything and this guy is now divorced from your family. He was a part of your life ONLY because he was a part of HERS first. She brought him into your life, remember? If your sister wouldn't mind, do it. That would entail you ASKING her first. Don't be dirty and go behind your sister's back and contact him. Just ask her and explain the reasons why. See what she says.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Rags (Aug 2, 2010)

By BIL had an affair and got divorced (as part of huge MLC, that was basically a checklist for all the stupid things you can do in one.)

Anyway, it was difficult for the family because it was the blood rlative who was in the wrong, and we were all very fond of his Ex (my FiL particularly struggled to resolve his feelings.)

Anyway, we remained in contact with the Ex wife, we all at the wedding of their daughter, and my wife and I were at the Ex Wife's wedding to her new husband. We've been to visit since, and stayed at their house.

With my SiL - her divorce was less amicable. However we do still maintain irregular contact with her ex - we last saw him whilst on holiday in middle-east, where attended the wedding celebration of his daughter (and my SiL was there, and it was .. cordial ...)

So, if the there are amicable relations between the divorced couple, it can work. If they're not amicable, more difficult.


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