# Has anyone taken back an ex or saved a marriage?



## s1979j (Dec 16, 2012)

Hi after reading a little more on this forum, my situation is much like many of yours and now my ideas on things have changed. 

Wife and I have been married 5 years (together 9) We have two young kids (4 and 2). I think we are at the point of no return. My wife is going out a lot more with work friends (younger, divorced, and in bad relationships). The divorced one is an older man, she has recently connected and was texting left and right.

We have drifted apart in recent months as I shut people out of my life, including her. I get her reaction. In the past I have hurt her by lying and just not listening to her. It was very child like actions on my part and it made me resent her some times. I see this now as my past.

I completely get her looking for affection/connection as it was not there. It hurts BAD to see my actions did that to her (blinders off) and it appears she was not overreacting which is what I thought initially. Stupid me, I know. 

Anyway, we had a talk a few weeks ago. She fessed up to all these feelings as you guys described. "Im going through a midlife crisis" "We just aren't connecting" She even stated that had feelings for the male of their group (a chill older guy that flirts with everyone) . She is smitten, that hurts the most to watch this.

Since that talk, I have read a book to see what my problem was and I found some great ideas to help me be a better person. I have started implementing them right away and it was really easy to do.

At that talk, two things happened. I told her of a previous "crush" that I had with a coworker a few years ago. It was a brief but it ended and two years later, I have not said more than a few words to this person (she has also gone on to get married, kid, etc).

My wife was relieved because I think it validated her feelings. She then said she wants to try and work on it but she was not happy in her current state. I think she is afraid to come back to me in fear of getting hurt again.

So as the couple of weeks have gone on, my suspicions have come and gone as I call her out and we discuss things. My paranoia stresses me out and I argue with her. Then I read other sites and I feel better and start working on myself again. 

In between, I have done some really sweet things( in my mind) that have brought her to tears. These were reminders of us. But my wife is confused because of the ups and downs we have experienced the last few weeks. The feelings for the other guy have subsided she says, but we still are not affectionate. We have had sex a couple of times the last 3 weeks out of being drunk and not being able to sleep from stress, but we are far from close. I have been implementing my changes, and a big part of me wants her back. The other part is tired and just wants to cut ties and move on. Does everyone struggle with this or is decision an easy one?

If I am to move on, I really need to move out of our place or have her move out to her parents (they live about 10 minutes away and have space for her and the kids) If the situation stays where she still has feelings for this guy, I really do not want anything to do with her or see things unravel anymore. 
Its too heartbreaking. 

I guess turnabout is fair play. I have not forbid communication but I did take a backup of her iphone and look at the texts. She was asleep and I had worked late on a work project. My wife had gone out with her friends. She deleted a bunch from the guy it seems and the only ones remaining are from when they all went out as a group that night. They didnt seem that harmful. I did ask her about the night. She said it was not fun and the guy was texting all night other people. 

The talk made me feel a little better and so I unleashed a slideshow set to music that made her cry at work on her facebook. shes a nurse and is working htis weekend. So she liked it and cried. I figured this might guilt her into saying something. I read her phone yesterday when she got home. The guy commented and said it was good and knows i love her. She seems confused and I seem confused.
We have one calm day, where I think I am getting through and one day where I am stressed and paranoid about our impending ending.

I need to just pick one and stick with it and now I seem to be leaning toward leaving. I want to say i tried though being the best person i could be in the situation.

any thoughts are appreciated.


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