# Fed Up with Husband's Binge Drinking!!!



## stickyclam (Jun 22, 2015)

I've been with my husband for about eight years and for seven of those years he has been a binge drinker (one year break due to being arrested...drinking related charges, imagine. He did manage to stay sober for most of the year while not in jail, but once it started, it really started. My husband drinks once, maybe twice per week. He does shots, mixed drinks, beer and has no capability of limiting his intake. When he comes home drunk, I hate how he looks, smells, talks, I hate his touch. I physically hate everything about him when he's drunk. If there was a divorce lawyer in front of me when he came home (or even when he left for the bars), I would sign divorce papers with no hesitation if it meant I didn't have to deal with him that night. I've laid in bed hoping he would go home with another woman so he wouldn't come home drunk to me. He slurs, he spits when he talks, he loses the color in his eyes and looks evil, he is loud, he yells, he picks fights, he doesn't care about anyone but himself when he's drunk. At the bar, people best not make eye contact with him when he's drunk or he will start a fight (and believe in his mind that the other person caused the fight--after being sober a couple days, he realizes that he was the jackass). 

Since he drinks so much, he doesn't wake up sober. He wakes up still drunk and wants sex (and to fight if I don't want sex...or make threats to leave). To be honest, if he would just leave at those moments, I probably wouldn't care. It's a big game though. He will tell me he is done and that he is moving out....then by the end of the day he is hugging and kissing me, apologizing, saying it's going to slow down. I'm EXHAUSTED. I'm fed up beyond words. I love him sober. I HATE him drunk. I hate everything about him that has to do with alcohol. 

I'm beyond Al-Anon. I'm at the point if he can't stay sober, then I don't want this marriage. However, I stay. Here I am. Complaining to you people because I physically can't ask for a divorce because of the voice that says he might be sober someday. Someday all the lies of quitting drinking will come true. Someday he will appreciate me enough to quit bringing alcohol in my house. Until then, I'll just dream of a life without having to worry about when he is going to drink and who is going to walk in my door at 2am. Yes, I'm scared of him drunk. He is a horrible narcissistic person when he is drunk (or when he has the urge to drink). 

I feel like I got off my chest, but I still need to deal with all this. I can't imagine another year of my life worrying about his drinking. As I'm sure you figured out, he is at the bar now (second time, he went two days ago too). I'm the one working because it makes more sense for me to work (I make more with my degree) and him to stay home with kids. The kids (so far) have always slept through his drunken B.S! 

I'm an ER nurse. I'm suppose to be tough, but I feel like my voice is so tiny and I'm screaming to be heard, but nothing is coming out. I just bottle up all this negative energy and it burns as hate when I hear the dreaded words, "I'm heading to the bar for a couple".


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How old are you and your husband and your children? 
How long have you been together?

You know that you are enabling him right? You are not beyond Al Anon. If anyone needs it, you do.

He's a horrible, angry drunk who wakes us drunk. But he takes care of your children?

You need to find someone else to take care of your children and you need to leave him. If you leave him there is a slight chance that he will suddenly wake up, get help and sober up. 

As long as you support him and make it easy for him to be a drunk, he will be a drunk.

If/when you leave him and he says he's going to clean up his act, tell you that he has to be sober for at least a year and have a job. You will not get back with him for 1- 2 years.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

stickyclam said:


> I've been with my husband for about eight years and for seven of those years he has been a binge drinker (one year break due to being arrested...drinking related charges, imagine. He did manage to stay sober for most of the year while not in jail, but once it started, it really started. My husband drinks once, maybe twice per week. He does shots, mixed drinks, beer and has no capability of limiting his intake. When he comes home drunk, I hate how he looks, smells, talks, I hate his touch. I physically hate everything about him when he's drunk. If there was a divorce lawyer in front of me when he came home (or even when he left for the bars), I would sign divorce papers with no hesitation if it meant I didn't have to deal with him that night. I've laid in bed hoping he would go home with another woman so he wouldn't come home drunk to me. He slurs, he spits when he talks, he loses the color in his eyes and looks evil, he is loud, he yells, he picks fights, he doesn't care about anyone but himself when he's drunk. At the bar, people best not make eye contact with him when he's drunk or he will start a fight (and believe in his mind that the other person caused the fight--after being sober a couple days, he realizes that he was the jackass).
> 
> Since he drinks so much, he doesn't wake up sober. He wakes up still drunk and wants sex (and to fight if I don't want sex...or make threats to leave). To be honest, if he would just leave at those moments, I probably wouldn't care. It's a big game though. He will tell me he is done and that he is moving out....then by the end of the day he is hugging and kissing me, apologizing, saying it's going to slow down. I'm EXHAUSTED. I'm fed up beyond words. I love him sober. I HATE him drunk. I hate everything about him that has to do with alcohol.
> 
> ...


And if you have attended Al-Anon you will know there is absolutely nothing you can do that will change him, only HE can make that decision You can refuse to be treated badly when he is drunk. 

Speak with him when he is sober and tell him that you will be sleeping in the spare room any night he decides to drink and if it continues you will consider leaving him. Give him a deadline and stick to it. If you do not this will go on for years and years. It will suck you dry. 
You are probably co-dependent now and need to get out of this relationship if he is not willing to change. It has to be you or the drink. 
There is a good organisation called Bottled Up which is an alternative to Al-Anon if you are interested and it will give you some insights and advice . All is online.


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## Kitt (Jun 3, 2015)

Read CoDependent No More by Melody Beattie. Binge drinking is alcohol abuse.... Just because he doesn't do it everyday means nothing... It will get worse. There are no consequences and he is losing his battle with himself because he is an alcoholic. Please don't leave your kids with an alcoholic.... It only takes a moment to make a drunken or hungover mistake that could impact or harm your children. Good luck and seek out Al Anon and Bottled Up asap.


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

Ms. Sticky, loving an addict can take out the best the of us, no matter how tough you are as an ER nurse. Your hopes that he will one day pull it together- are very normal. Being crushed and paralyzed when you know you should take action- yeah, it's also normal. I've been there. 

I agree with Ele and Aine- please, for your own sanity, hop online and find a good Alanon or other support meeting. Try to get there in person, if you can. It might take trying out a few different ones before you find the one that feels like home, but they are out there. There are people who will know exactly what you're going through, and they will not judge you. They share the same conflicting thoughts, the same love for the man and hate for the alcoholic, the same hopes and fears. They will help you more than you can know or expect. You are not alone. 

No one in Alanon will tell you to stay, or to go. You're smart to refuse to stay in a marriage with an active alcoholic. They will be there to listen to you in a way that others can't. They will support you. 

If you're an ER nurse, you probably already know a lot about addiction. You can see that your husband is getting progressively worse, as expected. You can't trust him with the kids- you do know this, right? He is not going to tell you about the things that he does. You're going to find them out after the fact. None of the things that he should tell you are going to seem important to him (like a few sips here or there, the kids are napping/watching TV/otherwise occupied. What YOU don't know won't hurt you.) You need to get ahead of that curve when it involves young kids. 

How do you feel about making a plan? Start thinking about what it would take to move into a separate apartment. How much would daycare cost? Who could help you? You don't have to set your plan in action. You don't have to move straight to divorce. There are many steps between where you are now and a divorce, if it were to happen down the road. But it might be a good thing to start coming up with options for your safety and sanity, and the safety/sanity of your kids.

If you were to leave, it would be something that might push him towards getting serious about sobriety. As long as you're there, nothing is really wrong. He has his loving family, his loving wife, his "easy" alcoholic life. You're not there yet, though. 

Keep posting and seek out real life support. This addiction stuff is so, so hard.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Living on hope rather than living from past experience. Hope, like love, is a doubled-edged sword. You may not have reached it yet, but you will reach a breaking point that if he does seek help, your view of him is too far ingrained to give him another chance. Learning to let go is hard, and letting go before you lose all emotional attachment is difficult.

But his actions will eventually shift where you can only feel negative emotions when you think of him. It is near impossible, through his actions, that you will not feel resentment towards him. You think you have felt enough pain yet, but you haven't. Also, you may become addicted to drama and misery. Slowly, this becomes your norm and your children's norm as well.

You have to face the present and not on what future outcome you want. You can adapt and change your mind or choice as circumstances change.

BY staying, you are accepting this behavior.For whatever he has done to the present, it is not enough for you to state you will no longer find this acceptable and you should figure out why. Whatever you are getting from this relationship, it is enough to keep you hooked.


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