# My lack of trust, yet feelings for my EX?



## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

I haven't been on here for several months. The last time I was on here, I was working on manning-up. I started going out on dates too. My most recent relationship hit it off unbelievably well. She was divorced like me. Two kids, like me. She is smart, kind, funny, etc. But at the end of a month, my feelings were no longer the same. I guess the oxytocin and the other brain chemicals wore off. A week ago, I broke off my relationship with this girl who really fell for me. Others told me I'm not over my EX completely. At first, I thought they were wrong for the most part. But now, I'm starting to think they might be on to something. 
Let me back track to 6 weeks ago:
My EX came down in early October and we managed to have a family counseling session. At one point, the kids went to the playroom while it was me, my EX, and the two therapists. They asked if either of us had anything to say about how the two of us were communicating, etc. I said our communication has been poor at best. Then I turned to my EX and said, and I don't trust you. She understood and teared up a bit asking what she could do for me to trust her again. I told her to start being honest and in time, trust can return.
A few days later after she left back for Minnesota, she called me and started ranting how nobody here in Houston trusts her (except her dad) and that she's not welcome here. Then she started suggesting the possibility of moving back home with her dad, but then started debating herself that she can't live with her dad because her brother (who is still angry with her) lives there, she has no friends here, and no job. I told her that people want her back here,especially me because I've seen what her absence has done to our kids. 
A week later, she wanted to discuss travel arrangements for Thanksgiving (the kids see her) and asked if they could fly back to Houston late Sunday night (arrive 10:30pm). I said that's too late. She then suggested 5:30am on Sunday. She said the prices were too much for times in the late morning or afternoon. I told her what comes first? The money or the kids? Yeah, you can guess what happened next. She flipped her lid. Said I was still doing this to punish her. That I need to let go, etc.
I told her to follow the decree (be home before 6pm Sunday)and I said nothing more. A day later she sent me the flight times which followed the decree. 
It was during this time that I was dating this other girl. Because my feelings were directed at her, I was able to avoid any of the emotional garbage that my EX tries to suck me into sometimes.
This past weekend, she had an opportunity to discuss the possibility of putting the kids on her insurance but then declined because I do not trust her at all. She keeps going back to what I told her in the therapists' office. She's mentioned this several times since. But it's the truth. I don't trust her. Can't she see why??
Now that I've broken off my relationship with my GF, I feel like I am vulnerable?
Now I'm having these thoughts/feelings about having my EX in my family again? Crazy, I know. My logical part of the brain knows this. But my emotions right now, are having these fantasies of being happy with my kids and their mom, together. I had a dream the other night where her and I were discussing the kids and we were hugging each other. And suddenly, I notice a mushroom cloud out the window. And the TV had the news showing a map where Cuba was hit. Then another country, and another and I look out the window and there's all these mushroom cloud explosions in the sky. It was so surreal. And then I woke up. If you google atomic explosions in dreams, you'll discover something interesting. It describes a life-altering event.
I don't know. I find myself right now, missing the person I spent 10 years with. Yes, I know she's changed. I guess I am struggling with the belief that the person we spent our lives with during our 20's and most of our 30's can change in the blink of an eye and that they are like a stranger from this moment forth. I almost wrote a letter to her last night. To tell her that I want us to be better communicators, to tell her that I want to trust her. And that I actually still care about what happens to her. But I did not. I intentionally & purposely brought up thoughts of what she put me through with the lies, infidelity, etc. in the past to put a stop to the letter. But I don't want to remain bitter. I don't want to feel this way. And I wonder if that my feelings have come up for her is because I have finally found a way to forgive her?
Or is maybe what I'm feeling just another stage in my divorce process? I've found comfort here before. Lots of good advice and understanding. I don't want to do anything stupid, but just could use some advice on all of this. Thanks, HD.


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## LVS (Apr 5, 2010)

HoustonDad I felt the same way you felt after i broke up with my exbf. I had the thought to go back to my exh who were always pressuring me to go back (still till now) claiming that he changed and he is doing IC. I was back dreaming of the marriage and our four kids and be back together as family and spend the rest of our lives as a happy family.

Why i didn't go back to him? Because it is just a dream, reality is different, and because 28 years of emotional and verbal abusive marriage were enough for me. He got plenty of chances, he jeopardized them all and ruined our relationship. And now he is sorry and claim changes, should i believe and just go back??!!!

First changes can't occur overnight you also said it and if he changed as he is claiming, it is good for him and my kids. I forgive him because i don't have to live with him anymore but anytime i think of going back to him all the pain of the past flash back and i feel by going back to him it means i am going to die not to live and to kill any hope in a bright future. Also with my history with him i know he is unpredictable so i can't trust his behavior. It is enough for me now that when i open my door i know what is awaiting me in the other side. So even if i have to stay the rest of my life alone (just saying) which is so hard for me, it is still easier than going back to him!

This is about me. You know what is better for you. Just seek your happiness and see where you are more happy. As I understood from your thread that you don't want to go back to her you just fear to be dragged back to the relationship. Being vulnerable and feeling weak made you hovering and trying to find something positive in going back to her even if it is a dream! IMO a therapist could help you to get back on track! 

.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

It's not unheard of to mourn the dream of the family (all together).

I mourn this for my young adult children....it's not the same for any of us.

However, for the most part you can't go back. 

You have good insight to your vulnerability.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

First, about the new girlfriend you broke up with. You say that after a month you broke it off becuase you did not feel something for her that you wanted to feel. But she had fallen in love with you.

What one feels in one month is not real love. You have to date someone for a year or two to get to know them and find out how you really feel about them.

It's a bit concerning that you put so much stock into a relationship that lasted for a meer 4 weeks or so

On the topic of your wife. Everything you start to feel somthing for her, about going back to her... remind yourself of what she did. People do not remain the same over a lifetime. We all change.

You wife changed into who she is now. What you have seen more recently is what you get. I remember the hell you went through with her. Do you really want that all over again? I doubt it.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Hey HoustonDAD!
Good to see you on here. 

Little "issues" come to my mind about the ex and how things all went down, quite regularly. I too, have to remind myself that she has spoken the words to me saying, I do not love you anymore. 
Funny she wound up with a guy she used to date for awhile before we got together. That point makes me wonder if what we had over the course of 16 years was really anything at all, or was I just a placeholder, and she had always kept him in the back of her mind. 
Of course the outcome of those lines of thought are further pain and lower self esteem for me. To think, how I allowed the considerations of one person to mean so much, to provide a definition... But no more. 

I didnt realize that the source of my definition was skewed in their thinking. I look out at what it is I consider about myself, and see so much based upon the judgement of others.. 
I cant allow that anymore. But to sit and consider myself, and to derive a sense of self-actualizing esteem, is foreign to me. Havent had a lot of practice at it.

I remind myself too, how it all went down, and I keep that in my pocket to review, when I think fondly of those times of "family".
Energy is wasted on thoughts of her anymore, and you deserve the spoils of that energy spent from now on.


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## SelfTweaks (Nov 11, 2012)

What you are "missing" is something that doesn't exist and will never exist.

You are missing the idea, or concept of a wonderful, happy, healthy marriage with your ex.

We have to be careful with these types of fantasies because we can develop the tendency to obsess over them and accept them as truth. We can custom-tailor our fantasies to whatever truth we can think of. Very dangerous ground you are treading on my friend. Especially when she can still trigger powerful emotional responses from you.

She is your ex for a reason. For your own safety and sanity, you have to prioritize intellect over emotion. I can see from your letter that she is manipulating this situation to move back in and reconcile.

The question is, can you?


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