# For low desire partners: Is your sex life satisfying?



## GavinM (Jan 13, 2014)

I'm curious about marriages where there is a mismatch in sex drives and whether or not the low desire partner finds their sex life fulfilling?

I began wondering about this in part from my own experiences but also from online conversations that I've had with others where this seems to be a big driver behind the low desire.

My main question is (if applicable) do you feel that your low desire is influenced by or is a result of a less than fully satisfying sex life?* 

If you are low desire were you like this with all of your partners?* Or do you think your low drive is dependent on something else? For example stage in life; the passage of time; a specific situation; or perhaps the 'fit' with the individual partner?* 

Are there low desire people who find the sex to be very fulfilling and satisfying when it occurs but just don't need it very often, or for some other reason don't seek it out/try to avoid it?** 

My last question is a little bit related to the above which is if you are a woman with low desire are you able to orgasm from PIV?* Its been my (very limited) experience that if the woman is able to orgasm regularly from PIV then she will have a decent desire for sex, however if she can't ever reach orgasm from PIV*then ultimately she will start to want to avoid or limit the amount of sex she has.* 

As I said my experience has been pretty limited and I might be extrapolating my own experiences too much but I'd like to know what others think.* I realize that this is a lot of questions but it would be helpful to me as it relates to my own situation. 

Thanks


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Sorry to answer as someone that is not LD, but I can see myself asking these questions years ago. I'll offer you this advice:

Asking questions about why a wife has a lower desire often creates somewhat of a paradox. An LD wife will reply with misinformation as a way to avoid the topic because they themselves may not have a realistic point of reference to understand your sexuality and why you are asking these questions. To an LD, all these questions do NOT come across as if you want to learn how to care about your wife more and make sure she is satisfied, but instead each question seems to throw up a red flag to her that you are struggling with you self confidence, becoming too needy, and looking for a way to blame her for this "problem" of yours which will make you look anything but attractive to her. Then this perception she has of you will create a self fulfilling prophecy in that you will loose your confidence, become very needy, begin blaming her for all sorts of things and throw passive aggressive tantrums that will make you look like a mental patient. 

You are just trying to be a considerate lover by asking these questions, but doing so will ultimately cause you to become a "chore" for her when it is time for sex. 

Should you look to other LD women for advice? That is likely a surefire way to find yourself mixed up in an Emotional Affair. A wife that can't stand her husband, and a husband desperate for answers that for once in his life will be a great listener. BAM! (picture some enchanted sparkles and crap flying everywhere). Perhaps you will find answers this way, but be careful!

Your best bet is to brag to your wife that you are such an incredible lover that she should fall to her knees every morning and thank the heavens for sending you to her! Then throw her to the bed and tell her not to worry herself that you know what you are doing! As long as you use plenty of coconut oil, a fully charged vibrator, and a ludicrous amount of confidence, you might come out of this one OK!

Hope that helps,
Badsanta


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## 2020hindsight (Nov 3, 2015)

Lifelong LD person here. Sex with a partner is fulfilling in that I can see how happy it makes my partner, and that makes me feel happy. But other than that, it does nothing for me.

To me, the problem that sex is not a particularly interesting or pleasurable activity in its own right, is completely the same problem as being LD. If I actually got pleasure from sex per se, then I'm sure that I'd probably want to do it a lot. Who wouldn't? I mean, if something feels good, then you want to do it. If the pleasure isn't there, except in the vicarious pleasure one takes in one's partner's fulfillment, then all I can say is that it takes a lot of love to even want to do it at all.

Just my opinion as someone who's suffered from this problem all my life.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

My wife is LD, really LD.

She has told me "don't touch me there as if you do, I will want to have sex with you and I really don't want to have sex."

So that means she understand that foreplay will arouse her, that when she is aroused she will want to have sex (because she enjoys it), but since she doesn't want sex she doesn't want to be touched.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

@GavinM will having such knowledge which will be variable anyway, make your life any different?


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

GavinM said:


> *Its been my (very limited) experience that if the woman is able to orgasm regularly from PIV then she will have a decent desire for sex, *however if she can't ever reach orgasm from PIV*then ultimately she will start to want to avoid or limit the amount of sex she has.*


I might be in the minority (I think I am); but PiV is the ultimate.

And orgasms that occur during PiV are the best. The physical sensations of orgasm feel deeper in my body and last longer than orgasms from manual or oral sex.

Orgasms from manual or oral sex feel good, but are more "localized"

So, I agree with what you said above.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

Young at Heart said:


> My wife is LD, really LD.
> 
> She has told me "don't touch me there as if you do, I will want to have sex with you and I really don't want to have sex."
> 
> So that means she understand that foreplay will arouse her, that when she is aroused she will want to have sex (because she enjoys it), but since she doesn't want sex she doesn't want to be touched.


What do you make of that, YoungatHeart?


Is this an occasional thing? Like, "no, don't make me wanna have sex_ right now_; I've got to do this, this and this."

Or, is it, " don't try to get me aroused physically, *ever*-----because I'm not into you,* at all*".


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## chatabox (May 4, 2016)

I was extremely LD with my ex. But I knew that he was sexting other girls online. I know he cheated once before, but couldn't 100% prove that he wasn't psychically cheating on me again. So I didn't want him as I didn't know where his D had been. We stayed like this for over a year before calling it quits. Although according to him I'm the sole cause of the separation as I never wanted it with him. 

I had a healthy sex life afterwards. My partner now has a lower desire then me while I find frustrating as I want it all the time with him. For me, it has to do with how attractive he makes me feel. How much my partner cherishes me, and it's an emotional bond. I want it more after I get kisses and hugs and hand holds. After he does the dishes or helps in some way. It makes him more desirable to me, as I know he's trying to appreciate me.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

There are many forms of LD, and this is one of them. My wife is the same. She will actively tell me not to say things that might get her aroused because she is too tired for sex. 

When we have sex, she almost always has an O, and claims to have enjoyed it afterwards. Sometimes she really wants sex. Its just to her a "normal" sex life is doing something sexual maybe once a month. (with actual intercourse maybe 4x/year). 

She claims to find me very attractive. She is affectionate, loving etc. She just very rarely wants sex. Or maybe a better way to put it is that everything has to be perfect for her to want sex. 

The excuses are endless (too tired, feeling poorly, too much to do etc), and meaningless because these issues never stop her from doing things she wants to do. 

She thinks we have a good sex life. 



Young at Heart said:


> My wife is LD, really LD.
> 
> She has told me "don't touch me there as if you do, I will want to have sex with you and I really don't want to have sex."
> 
> So that means she understand that foreplay will arouse her, that when she is aroused she will want to have sex (because she enjoys it), but since she doesn't want sex she doesn't want to be touched.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

How would you "not put up with it"?



Personal said:


> Quite frankly if that were me especially the red bit etc, I wouldn't believe her and there is no way I would put up with such nonsense either.
> 
> Because sexual intercourse occurs at a frequency of maybe 4x a year or less.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

...


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

GavinM said:


> Its been my (very limited) experience that if the woman is able to orgasm regularly from PIV then she will have a decent desire for sex


Not my ex. She would orgasm rather easily - and used to complain that if it happened in the morning she just wanted to sleep. At night after 1 or 2 or at most 3, she'd pretty much pass out and complain that I took too long.
If I used a rabbit vibe on her, or one of the bluetooth multi-movement ones, she'd only last a minute or two - so fast I used to wonder if she was faking or thought plateau was o.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Yes, but that assumes that sex is more important than the net sum of everything else in the marriage. In my case it isn't. If it is, then divorce is a fine idea. 






Personal said:


> Divorce works.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

2020hindsight said:


> Lifelong LD person here. Sex with a partner is fulfilling in that I can see how happy it makes my partner, and that makes me feel happy. But other than that, it does nothing for me.
> 
> To me, the problem that sex is not a particularly interesting or pleasurable activity in its own right, is completely the same problem as being LD. If I actually got pleasure from sex per se, then I'm sure that I'd probably want to do it a lot. Who wouldn't? I mean, if something feels good, then you want to do it. If the pleasure isn't there, except in the vicarious pleasure one takes in one's partner's fulfillment, then all I can say is that it takes a lot of love to even want to do it at all.
> 
> Just my opinion as someone who's suffered from this problem all my life.


What is it about sex that you don't get pleasure from?
In other words, what specifically turns you off about sex?

As a man, reading your post, my first response would be that you feel this way because you have never had a good lover.
I know that's a bit pompous of me, but it is a possibility.

In my own situation, my wife was LD. I eventually figured that I was the problem and started doing every thing I could to improve. 4 years later, I would not really call my wife LD anymore. She seems to really enjoy and never turns me down.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

I'm a once a week gal; I probably initiate 40-50% of time. I would say that is LD. My desire has nothing to do with not being satisfied. My H always makes sure that I get my O. 

The things that I believe impact my desire are: 1. My H drinks and I made it clear to him that I would not have sex with him under the influence. 2. I don't like the way I look. 3. Sometimes my H has a hard time finishing (although this hasn't happened for quite a while) and when that happens, sex makes the both of us feel bad. Then, I'm hesitant next time because I don't want to end up feeling bad. 4. I don't feel good or am tired. 5. I need more emotional connection and with this rocky road that the marriage is on, we don't have enough connection . Those are the main things that impact my desire level. Yes, I am sexually satisfied. Now, I know my H would like it more often yet he still chooses porn and his drinking over sex with a real live human being. 

Sent from my SM-G930V using Tapatalk


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## 2020hindsight (Nov 3, 2015)

UMP said:


> What is it about sex that you don't get pleasure from?


Sexual activity does nothing for me. This discovery was a big shock when I became sexually active because I thought sex would be awesome, considering the big deal everybody makes about it (high school peers and various media). Gradually, over time, I had to accept the idea that it (pleasure from sex) wasn't going to happen for me.



> In other words, what specifically turns you off about sex?


Nothing "turns me off" about sex. As I said, I was rather looking forward to it when I was young. My situation is more that body and mind (desire and pleasure) are permanently set in the "Off" position.



> As a man, reading your post, my first response would be that you feel this way because you have never had a good lover.
> I know that's a bit pompous of me, but it is a possibility.
> 
> In my own situation, my wife was LD. I eventually figured that I was the problem and started doing every thing I could to improve. 4 years later, I would not really call my wife LD anymore. She seems to really enjoy and never turns me down.


I had quite a few boyfriends before I got married. I experimented quite a bit sexually, hoping to find something that worked for me, sexually speaking. I did some stuff that was really out there, sexually, in my quest to make sex work for me. But it never happened. I'm sure it wasn't them. It was me.

In my mid-20s, I was incredibly grateful to fall in love with a man who didn't care that I had this problem. My LD situation never went away, but I got used to having sex whenever he wanted to, for him.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Personal said:


> Evidently she doesn't actually want to have sex with you...


Actually, the quote was from a time about 5 years ago, when we had a sex starved marriage. She is very LD. However, we now have sex twice a week, which was negotiated with the help of a really good sex therapist.

She actually didn't want to have sex with me or anyone. She has never masturbated. As she told the sex therapist, when she was growing up and had to face weekly confession in front of a priest, masturbation was a sin and having to confess it would have been too much of an embarrassment for a teenage girl in front of a man, even if he was a priest. She also told the Sex Therapist that she never masturbated in marriage, as if she ever got horny, she had a husband who would take care of her needs. I have bought her a number of vibrators, and I can assure you the hand held one has never had the batteries installed in it and the Hitachi has only been used by me on my shoulder. She didn't want to even have sex with herself.

So it was not just me she didn't want to have sex with.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Do you get physical pleasure / orgasm from sex but not enjoy it psychologically, or do you not get physical pleasure? If you don't physically enjoy it can you orgasm on your own?

Just shows how much variation there is in LD. 




2020hindsight said:


> Lifelong LD person here. Sex with a partner is fulfilling in that I can see how happy it makes my partner, and that makes me feel happy. But other than that, it does nothing for me.
> 
> To me, the problem that sex is not a particularly interesting or pleasurable activity in its own right, is completely the same problem as being LD. If I actually got pleasure from sex per se, then I'm sure that I'd probably want to do it a lot. Who wouldn't? I mean, if something feels good, then you want to do it. If the pleasure isn't there, except in the vicarious pleasure one takes in one's partner's fulfillment, then all I can say is that it takes a lot of love to even want to do it at all.
> 
> Just my opinion as someone who's suffered from this problem all my life.


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## 2020hindsight (Nov 3, 2015)

uhtred said:


> Do you get physical pleasure / orgasm from sex but not enjoy it psychologically, or do you not get physical pleasure? If you don't physically enjoy it can you orgasm on your own?
> 
> Just shows how much variation there is in LD.


No sexual pleasure as such, but if I'm underneath my partner, it feels like the warm feeling you receive from a tight hug. Like when I'm hugging one of my kids, or my mom, tightly. It's nice being held close in an embrace. That's about the extent of it.

I did experiment on my own, at a very late age, with a vibrator, to see what would happen. It probably shows how LD I am that I never felt interested/motivated to try self-stimulation before that one experiment in my mid-30s. Nothing much happened. I got very bored and cold. Eventually, there was sort of a twitch like when you start to fall asleep and then startle yourself awake. If that's an orgasm, it was underwhelming, and not actually pleasurable.

There are other people out there like me. Few, but we exist.

If your partner is LD, ask them to tell you what sex actually feels like to them. There's a huge variation in how we experience sex, and those of us stuck at the low end of the spectrum of sensation are understandably not so motivated to have sex. We humans have a drive toward what is pleasureable: no pleasure, no drive.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

It may be that some people are simply incapable of having an orgasm. I wonder if it is physical. In any case its very unfortunate for them and their partners. 

Lack of physical pleasure is certainly a reason some people are LD, but its not the only reason. 

My wife appears to, and claims to have very intense orgasms. (she has given herself mild whiplash from flailing around). She sometimes asks me to avoid things that make them too intense (g-spot stimulation) because she won't sleep afterwards. 

Despite that, she is quite LD.

Its possible of course that she is lying / acting, and has been for 30 years. Considering that I'm happy to do anything she wants in bed, it would be very sad if that were the case. 





2020hindsight said:


> No sexual pleasure as such, but if I'm underneath my partner, it feels like the warm feeling you receive from a tight hug. Like when I'm hugging one of my kids, or my mom, tightly. It's nice being held close in an embrace. That's about the extent of it.
> 
> I did experiment on my own, at a very late age, with a vibrator, to see what would happen. It probably shows how LD I am that I never felt interested/motivated to try self-stimulation before that one experiment in my mid-30s. Nothing much happened. I got very bored and cold. Eventually, there was sort of a twitch like when you start to fall asleep and then startle yourself awake. If that's an orgasm, it was underwhelming, and not actually pleasurable.
> 
> ...


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## phitigirl (Aug 11, 2016)

I am glad this is an anonymous forum, but I will join in. I would say I am probably low LD. I really enjoy sex, but I find most of my lack of desire comes from a few things. 
1) Feeling overwhelmed or overworked with no help from my partner. Which is fairly frequent for me. Mostly this tends to me being resentful which isn't conducive to feeling desire.
2) My mind really has to be engaged for desire to happen. If my partner isn't willing to engage my mind as well as grope my body, there isn't much interest for me.
3) My husband isn't willing to talk with me about how to make things better. It takes a lot of work for me to orgasm with a partner and he isn't willing to take the time to do so, so that keeps the desire down too.


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