# who's in the power position???



## grays

Soooo, I'm new to this. We've only been really broken up for five months, had been living together/married for 25 years. I think my first post-break up fling has just run it's course. But I'm really trying to wrap my mind around the difference in who I am/what I want in relation to new men in my life compared to pre-marriage. It is night and day different, which I didn't realize was gonna be the case. I think I was afraid I was still gonna be that little girl I once was, yk?

So anyhow... this is the thing that's really shocking to me: I was never in the power position, EVER, before. With the ex, in a lot of ways we were pretty balanced, but probably if anyone was on top, it was him. Now, I can't even quite imagine how someone could get over me like all the men I was involved with before him did. 

So, here's how it played out in this first FWB-type relationship -- I had seen this guy around for several months before the first meeting and we knew people in common, but within about five minutes of talking we both managed to spit out our break up stories and it turned out our stories were insanely similar, both of our spouses having intense and long emotional affairs and then treating us like crap in the aftermath, both have young children, similar age/stage in life. So, a week and a half later I'm spending the night at his place. And then after we have sex he tells me "I'm not looking for a relationship." Eh, I thought it was a little funky to bring that up at that moment. I wasn't either, but still it was a little crass. I didn't care about the idea of it though, as really I was mostly in it to get my feet wet. 

After that we got into a pattern of hanging out and spending nights together once or twice a week, and then I'd see him around on other nights, but when we were out we made sure not to crowd each other as we were *not in a relationship*. I liked that arrangement fine. 

Then, a few weeks ago, he had a big court date w his ex, who he says he's still in love with. Things have been really contentious between them and the only time they've seen each other since their break up 7 or 8 months ago is when they're in court. So, he was very uptight and keyed up about the court thing and I told him that week that I was gonna lay back and he could let me know if he wanted to hang out but I was gonna give him a little space. On the day of the court thing, sent him a nice but low key, supportive text. He texted back, "thank you." Then Sunday night I ran into him out on the town and he immediately says "why didn't you text me this week???" in an anxious tone. And then, before I can even answer, "You're sleeping with someone else, aren't you? That's why you didn't text me!" 

So, I fess up that in fact I did sleep with someone else, a ONS kinda thing with a friend. It was not the reason I didn't contact him (and as I said, I did text him mid-week). But I said, yeah, I did, do you want me to tell you when that happens? I was so unsure since we're "not in a relationship" and all. 

Ever since then, it's been clear that I'm in the power position. Looking back, I think the "not looking for a relationship" statement was his way (possibly not consciously on his part) of trying to grab the power. I don't think it really worked bc I was like, eh, ok, whatever, I'm good. But in the period between that night and the night he asked if I'd been w anyone else, I think there was a balance between us and we both felt okay about it. 

Ever since we had that second convo, though, he's been jockeying for top status. At first, I felt kind of empathetic about it. He'd tell me about women that he was interested in trying to get a bit of a reaction from me and I wasn't reacting the way he wanted, but I understood what he was up to and why and, even though it felt a little obnoxious, I was alright with it. There were enough good things about what was going on between us that I could let it roll off my back. But then yesterday he gave me a backhanded compliment about my dancing (he thinks he's a great dancer, but not so much, lol) and it was just the straw that broke the camels back. I think I'm out (although truthfully, if he caught me in the right mood, who knows, lol, the sex is fun). But I just kinda feel like I don't really want someone sniping at me and it wasn't the first time, so blah... seems like I'm not interested enough to keep going with it.

A couple things about this though, that I keep thinking... I really believe that, if at any time he had sensed that I *wanted* to be with him in anything but the most casual way, the tables would have been completely turned and he would have felt that I was needy and overbearing and too into him. And then it seems to me like it was only completely by chance that I got the upper hand. I guess he asked if I'd slept w someone else bc it was already leaning too far in that direction for him to feel comfortable, but if I hadn't happened to have had this ONS, I don't think he would have felt nearly as disadvantaged. Btw, I did kinda bend over backwards to make him feel like the ONS was nothing for him to feel bad about -- he wanted me to tell him that he was "more fun" than the other guy, which I didn't do, but I did point out that the other guy was a ONS, but I came back to him over and over because I wanted to. But apparently that was not enough to pacify him. 

Anyway, it's all so interesting to me and I didn't really know that things worked this way... that just by chance I could end up with the power, that it wasn't some preordained inherent thing about me that they were always gonna be on top. I think I had this feeling like it always worked out that way bc there was something not quite good enough about me. This is all such a revelation! 

Now I just gotta figure out how to work it so that nobody feels like they need to even the score or run away. Sigh....


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## Shooboomafoo

why waste your time considering something that has absolutely no meaning whatsoever, i.e. "power". The moment you think that way, is the moment "life" will show you otherwise. Chill out on all that power play garbage, or you wont find someone other than a FWB...


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## grays

Shooboomafoo said:


> why waste your time considering something that has absolutely no meaning whatsoever, i.e. "power". The moment you think that way, is the moment "life" will show you otherwise. Chill out on all that power play garbage, or you wont find someone other than a FWB...


I don't think you quite get where I'm coming from. I don't want to have power over anybody. But I do think that it helps to be really conscious of this kind of thing. Looking back at my earlier relationships, I now see that I wasn't understanding this kind of dynamic then and I think if I had, I would have seen some things pretty differently and possibly have felt better about myself and my role in things. 

If I was looking at this current guy without considering the power play that's going on, I'd just feel hurt that he thinks I'm a bad dancer. The fact is, though, I'm a good dancer  and his snipe was not really about that. Do you really think I shouldn't "consider" it?

I think it's a little aggressive to say I can't find anything other than FWB situations if I don't grow up. I just came out of a 25 year relationship. I feel like I have a bit of a track record of being able to have more than FWB. And right now I'm not trying to find something other than that. I'm not sure I'm looking for anything in particular, but I do think it would be a little foolish for me to get into something heavy right now. Obviously, I feel like I have some things to figure out.


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## PBear

Here's my take... Some people can handle casual sex relationships, and some people can't. He can't. He handled the rejection immaturely. If that's what you're looking for, he's the wrong partner. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SamuraiJack

You activated his competition instinct.
No going back now.


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## grays

PBear said:


> Here's my take... Some people can handle casual sex relationships, and some people can't. He can't. He handled the rejection immaturely. If that's what you're looking for, he's the wrong partner.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yeah, I think he really wants to be someone who can, more because that's his vision of himself than because he wants his freedom, if that makes sense.



SamuraiJack said:


> You activated his competition instinct.
> No going back now.


Ugh. I think that's right. It's too bad, though. Before he asked me I was really unsure of whether I was supposed to tell him, but I figured the "no relationship" talk was a sign that I didn't need to. The ex knew about both guys (we still live together and he's gotta be taking care of the kids while I'm getting busy, lol) and when he found out about the second he was all in my face about how it wasn't fair to the first not to tell him. :rofl: (Not sure what the f*ck he was thinning his responsibility to me during his 3 year emotional affair should have been.) I was taken aback by ex's ferocity in protecting the feelings of my FWB and it caused me to really question whether I was being fair to him by not telling. So when he did ask, I thought, ok, I am supposed to tell. I don't think I coulda lied to that flat out Q, woulda felt really wrong to me. But clearly he didn't need to know and I had no responsibility to tell him. If he didn't want me sleeping with other people then he shoulda played that relationship talk a little differently. I didn't want a relationship, but I might have been fine with an exclusive FWB-type arrangement.


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## Rowan

I think your ex-husband knows _way_ too much about your personal/social life....


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## PBear

Honestly, the whole thing sounds like a mess, and I just hope the kids are properly isolated from this. People are getting hurt, hurt people lash out, kids get the fallout. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## grays

Rowan said:


> I think your ex-husband knows _way_ too much about your personal/social life....


This is probably true. But it's a process. I guess some people just break up one day and that's that. For us, we were together for 25 years, he was my only family, my best friend. He completely broke my heart, but that did not mean it was easy for me to go from all to nothing with him. So, there was this sticky period in there where we leaned on each other a little more than we should. As time goes on he is getting less info about where I am, but the truth of the matter is that as long as we are living together, he's gonna know more than if we didn't live together. And there are a lot of reasons for us to live together and it is kinda working for us. It's not perfect, but I would probably always choose to live in a situation where the kids get to see both of their parents every day if possible. If there comes a time that it feels like us living together is hurting the kids, then I think we should live separately. But we actually don't fight very much at all and never when the kids are around. We spend very little time with each other, usually one is with the kids and the other is off doing something else or in their room doing their own thing.



PBear said:


> Honestly, the whole thing sounds like a mess, and I just hope the kids are properly isolated from this. People are getting hurt, hurt people lash out, kids get the fallout.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Who's getting hurt? You mean the kids? I think it is a very, very rare thing that the kids go completely unscathed by a divorce. In a lot of ways though, I think this situation really minimizes that for our kids. 

Did you mean someone else is getting hurt?


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## firebelly1

I understand the power thing and I actually think the FWB helps you with that. There is no pressure for you to maintain a relationship so there is no reason that you need to be anything other than who you are or do anything you don't want to do. At least, that's my take on it. Not sure if that's where you are coming from.


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## grays

firebelly1 said:


> I understand the power thing and I actually think the FWB helps you with that. There is no pressure for you to maintain a relationship so there is no reason that you need to be anything other than who you are or do anything you don't want to do. At least, that's my take on it. Not sure if that's where you are coming from.


Yes! I gotta say, if it can work, I really kinda like the whole FWB concept. Of course, people did this when I was a kid, but I don't think it had a name. I didn't really do it because I was quick to fall in love, and quick out, too. I was very young. 

Just recently things have started to gain some momentum with another guy friend of mine. Absolutely nothing physical or couple-y as of yet, but just a different tenor to the relationship. I think the switch happened when he told me that he was leaving the country next fall. There were reasons that he and I were not going to be a serious long term relationship (besides the fact that it would just seem wrong for me right now, he would like to have a family and I'm done with the having kids part of my life). But finding out that he's leaving and there's some natural end to things makes it feel a lot safer in a way (seriously, though, he's such a great friend that I'm already sad he'll be leaving in a year). Anyway... I am a little worried about the idea of becoming involved with someone that I really feel something for. I do hope I can maintain this feeling (and I think it's possible that this is just how I am now, I hope so!) of freedom to be who I am and do my own thing and not be overly concerned with what he's doing/thinking/liking about me. It would be nice to be able to carry that over to a relationship with a little more substance to it.


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## firebelly1

grays said:


> I do hope I can maintain this feeling (and I think it's possible that this is just how I am now, I hope so!) of freedom to be who I am and do my own thing and not be overly concerned with what he's doing/thinking/liking about me. It would be nice to be able to carry that over to a relationship with a little more substance to it.


I have not been successful at maintaining FWB with someone I would otherwise think is long term relationship material. They seem to be mutually exclusive for me. But I have wished the same thing - to take this sense of honey badger with me to the next substantive relationship. It seems to require not caring if you ever see him again? There may actually be an element of that there.

One other thing that's kind of nice about a FWB situation is that when you get together it is because you both want to be together. You aren't together because of any sense of obligation. That's kind of cool. Wish we could take that into a substantive relationship too.


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## PBear

Your husband (ex? STBX?) already got bent out of shape about your "dating" activities. Your currently amicable situation is likely to become less amicable as you expand your horizons, or he does. Just my humble opinion...

Fwiw, my SO was my FWB. We met soon after we each separated from "intimacy challenged" relationships almost 4 years ago. Became "more than FWB" within about 3 months. She just moved in with me last month. In my experience, FWB is tough to keep as that. If you like someone enough to keep schlupping them, it's pretty natural to want more. Especially if the sex is great too! 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## grays

firebelly1 said:


> I have not been successful at maintaining FWB with someone I would otherwise think is long term relationship material. They seem to be mutually exclusive for me. But I have wished the same thing - to take this sense of honey badger with me to the next substantive relationship. It seems to require not caring if you ever see him again? There may actually be an element of that there.
> 
> One other thing that's kind of nice about a FWB situation is that when you get together it is because you both want to be together. You aren't together because of any sense of obligation. That's kind of cool. Wish we could take that into a substantive relationship too.


Yes! That is my fear, that I can't transfer it over. After I wrote my last post, I thought, if I would feel like I was kicked in the stomach if I saw him with someone else, that probably means I care too much or in the wrong way to make this feeling work in that relationship. And I'm pretty sure I would have the kicked in the stomach feeling with this other guy. 

OTOH, after all that has happened w ex, I do feel like I have this unwavering belief that I'm okay (both in terms of being a *good enough/desirable* person and in terms of being alone) whether some guy works out or not. When ex said he wasn't sure if he wanted to be w me anymore, I thought the opposite was true, and it is only a few months later now and in a lot of ways I am having a much nicer, happier, better life than I have for many many years. I think I have a lot more faith in myself or something. And part of why i don't really want a real relationship right now is that I'm kind of enjoying being alone. I think I would miss it in a way, though hard to say if I was totally crazy about someone, I guess I might not. But.... being alone is totally ok with me right now, so that should take some of that pressure off. I hope. 

Love the honey badger analogy! lol I'll have to keep that in mind, go out there and be my honey badger self!!!


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## grays

PBear said:


> Your husband (ex? STBX?) already got bent out of shape about your "dating" activities. Your currently amicable situation is likely to become less amicable as you expand your horizons, or he does. Just my humble opinion...
> 
> Fwiw, my SO was my FWB. We met soon after we each separated from "intimacy challenged" relationships almost 4 years ago. Became "more than FWB" within about 3 months. She just moved in with me last month. In my experience, FWB is tough to keep as that. If you like someone enough to keep schlupping them, it's pretty natural to want more. Especially if the sex is great too!
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ahhhh... well, ex (still technically married but only for logistical reasons, I really truly do not feel any need to be married to him in an emotional sense) has been involved with the OW for about 3 1/2 years -- 3 while I thought we were in a happy marriage and the six months since. He did get freaked out when I first started spending nights away from home, but I don't think it's really bothering him too much now. Not sure. I think it probably feels to him the price he has to pay to be able to bang the other woman. lol 

I had a LOT of trouble accepting him being with her and it took me a good long time to be okay with it to the extent that I am. But now, when he's out with her I feel pretty good about having the house to myself for a while. I think no matter what happens, until the day I die, I will have some really bitter, hurt, hateful feelings about him and OW. I think the overlap in our relationships really makes it impossible for me to be truly accepting of it. But it's just not the gut wrenching thing it used to be. 

I think as time goes on we're actually getting more amicable about the being with other people part. It's not perfect for sure, but I feel like we have made huge progress and continue to.

And if I end up madly in love w someone I intended to FWB, so be it. I'm game!


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## firebelly1

I like being alone...plus sex.  Being alone without sex is a DRAG.


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## LongWalk

Your ex had an affair for three years. Well, you don't owe him any explanation about whom you see. He can hardly claim to care about not seeing your get hurt. He dished that out.

You seem quite thoughtful. It must be liberating to think of yourself as a free agent after 25 years. I can understand your bitterness towards WH and OW. You wasted three years of your life while they were sneaking behind your back. Three years of prime time.

How do you find men to date?

Does it matter to you what education they have?

Do you find conversation interesting?


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## grays

Are you flirting with me, LongWalk?  

When I first saw things going south with ex, I ordered some dancing shoes on amazon and ran out and started taking salsa classes.  When I was really in the marriage, before the trouble, we were kind of insular (other than his dating, I guess). Like, I think I was just getting all of what I needed from him so my other relationships were nice and friendly but not deep or strong. Now I've got this whole community of dancers that I really enjoy and when I meet people through salsa or anywhere else, I feel a much stronger connection to them than to people that I met while still with ex. I also feel more connected to the friends I already had pre-break up. And I tend to just be more open to meeting people in all sorts of circumstances. 

But just about all of my man-friends have come from salsa. And let me tell you, I have quite a collection of them! :rofl: I feel like its safer and maybe even more fun to have a half a dozen of them in the works, all of them really still just flirtations, but all of them fun and light and full of potential. Whenever I feel one of them getting a little more substantial, I start worrying about whether I'll have to give up all the others. 

Education is an interesting Q, lol. I halfway assume its only you and I looking at this thread by this point, so... may as well get completely off topic. I feel fairly comfortable with people from across the board in terms of how far they got through school. I dropped out of high school and left home when I was 15, but then when I went back, I went back with a vengeance and ended up going to a top 5 law school. When I was working as a lawyer I had much more affinity with my clients (who were all on death row, lol) than I did with the lawyers in the office. Of course, I wouldn't want to date them, though.  But some of them were very bright and all of them were interesting and thoughtful (they had a lot of time on their hands). 

Anyhow, I'm open to all levels of education. They just gotta have a roof over their head bc ex and I are still living in the same house and I wouldn't wanna have to pay for a room. And be interesting and fun. And yes, fun to talk to is a huge positive. I do like conversation.

So, cripes, LW, you have almost 8,000 posts! Whoa! I was gonna dig around and see what your story is but that's a lotta posts to wade through.


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## movealong

There is a maxim that says "whoever cares the least in the relationship wields the most power". I don't take time to deal with power struggles anymore. If I am unable to find a partner, well, I will be single for a long damn time. I don't want to work that hard, either wielding or maintaining, the "power".


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## Fenix

The power dynamic you describe would make me run. I am so not a game player. I understand where you are coming from though. I, too, just got out of a 25 year marriage and I receive a lot of attention. It is an eye opening experience, for sure. I would caution getting caught up in it though.

I wanted a FWB too. I am not in the market for a LTR. So, I found a guy via match with an extremely similar background and story to mine. Same place in his marriage break up (20 years) and we decided to walk the road together, dip our toe in and when it stopped being fun, we would move on. Still fun 10 months later and very, very exclusive. He has given me the gift of showing me what a relationship is where I don't have to walk on eggshells, where I am enough, he has allowed me to relax into him...if that makes sense. It is quite the gift.


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## grays

movealong said:


> There is a maxim that says "whoever cares the least in the relationship wields the most power". I don't take time to deal with power struggles anymore. If I am unable to find a partner, well, I will be single for a long damn time. I don't want to work that hard, either wielding or maintaining, the "power".


I agree and feel the same that they aren't worth the struggle. I wish it weren't true, though, that to care is to make oneself vulnerable to this sort of thing. I'd like to be able to care for someone without being on the losing end of this sort of thing. 

Interestingly, though, I really don't feel like he *cares* about me, really. I mean, I do think he likes me and he values having someone to take care of his physical needs and it is nice for him to get a certain kind of attention. But I don't think he cares about me. I wonder if I care about him even less.  See, that is sad if true. I would love to have a FWB situation with no power struggles, just good feelings and needs being met. But I would also like to feel positively enough about the person that I'm sleeping with that I at least care about them. Hmmmmm..... 



Fenix said:


> The power dynamic you describe would make me run. I am so not a game player. I understand where you are coming from though. I, too, just got out of a 25 year marriage and I receive a lot of attention. It is an eye opening experience, for sure. I would caution getting caught up in it though.
> 
> I wanted a FWB too. I am not in the market for a LTR. So, I found a guy via match with an extremely similar background and story to mine. Same place in his marriage break up (20 years) and we decided to walk the road together, dip our toe in and when it stopped being fun, we would move on. Still fun 10 months later and very, very exclusive. He has given me the gift of showing me what a relationship is where I don't have to walk on eggshells, where I am enough, he has allowed me to relax into him...if that makes sense. It is quite the gift.


I think that sounds like a really nice relationship you've got. I'd love something like that. With this guy, it has been really great that we're going through similar things and able to talk openly about our situations. He's actually said things about how he's feeling in relation to his ex that have made things in my break up a little differently, and it's been helpful. It also has given me a sort of a gauge about how these things go -- like, before being able to talk to him about it, I had never been privy to the private details of this sort of situation in someone else's life. So, hearing his experience helps me feel more normal and okay, like I'm not crazy, it really is a rough situation. 

I don't think I'm a game player either. I feel like I've done my best to be responsibly honest (i.e., not like ex who is so honest it could ruin your life, feeling like he has to give blow by blow descriptions of every transgression) and haven't intentionally contributed to the game playing, certainly didn't intentionally grab the power. In fact, that week that he acts like I should have texted him (and I did!), I was carrying my phone with me every time I walked into another room because I was on pins and needles over what was going on with him and he had told me that he was going to let me know how it went when it was over. I was not at all playing hard to get, I was trying to give him space in case really hard things were happening and he didn't want to have to worry about how I was feeling. 

I think I would have probably run screaming earlier except that I know what its like to be on the short end of the power stick and I was kinda hoping he'd come around and not feel it so keenly. I was thinking it was a bummer that he'd feel that way with me since I was his first fling since his ex. I know that he felt very rejected by her and I didn't want to make him feel unvalued. I know that for me, to the extent that I have been getting positive feedback from men since ex rejected me, that feedback has been really nice, so I kinda wanted to be positive for him, too, yk?


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## Fenix

grays said:


> I agree and feel the same that they aren't worth the struggle. I wish it weren't true, though, that to care is to make oneself vulnerable to this sort of thing. I'd like to be able to care for someone without being on the losing end of this sort of thing.
> 
> Interestingly, though, I really don't feel like he *cares* about me, really. I mean, I do think he likes me and he values having someone to take care of his physical needs and it is nice for him to get a certain kind of attention. But I don't think he cares about me. I wonder if I care about him even less.  See, that is sad if true. I would love to have a FWB situation with no power struggles, just good feelings and needs being met. But I would also like to feel positively enough about the person that I'm sleeping with that I at least care about them. Hmmmmm.....
> 
> 
> 
> I think that sounds like a really nice relationship you've got. I'd love something like that. With this guy, it has been really great that we're going through similar things and able to talk openly about our situations. He's actually said things about how he's feeling in relation to his ex that have made things in my break up a little differently, and it's been helpful. It also has given me a sort of a gauge about how these things go -- like, before being able to talk to him about it, I had never been privy to the private details of this sort of situation in someone else's life. So, hearing his experience helps me feel more normal and okay, like I'm not crazy, it really is a rough situation.
> 
> I don't think I'm a game player either. I feel like I've done my best to be responsibly honest (i.e., not like ex who is so honest it could ruin your life, feeling like he has to give blow by blow descriptions of every transgression) and haven't intentionally contributed to the game playing, certainly didn't intentionally grab the power. In fact, that week that he acts like I should have texted him (and I did!), I was carrying my phone with me every time I walked into another room because I was on pins and needles over what was going on with him and he had told me that he was going to let me know how it went when it was over. I was not at all playing hard to get, I was trying to give him space in case really hard things were happening and he didn't want to have to worry about how I was feeling.
> 
> I think I would have probably run screaming earlier except that I know what its like to be on the short end of the power stick and I was kinda hoping he'd come around and not feel it so keenly. I was thinking it was a bummer that he'd feel that way with me since I was his first fling since his ex. I know that he felt very rejected by her and I didn't want to make him feel unvalued. I know that for me, to the extent that I have been getting positive feedback from men since ex rejected me, that feedback has been really nice, so I kinda wanted to be positive for him, too, yk?


yes, I know.  tbh, it sounds like he has some major issues and may not be the one to have some fun with. The fact that he even asked about you sleeping with someone when no talk of exclusivity had been had is a red flag. I wonder if it is even worth discussing it with him?

Or, you could just chalk it up to experience and cut the cord. I would stay away from any guy who is still professing his love for his x in the future. And from your initial post, the guy sounds immature and insecure which is why he is jockeying for position. Your gut told you that if you let yourself feel this wasn't casual and he saw it, he would play for the power. That is a big sign to move on. But, I also know how hard it is to listen to your gut, esp after being in a 25 year relationship with a cheater.


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## grays

Yeah, this guy wasn't perfect for me, but maybe what I needed most was something that wasn't perfect. lol I mean perfect, or even great, might have been scary as hell for my first outing. 

I did just think of something interesting, though, in regards to whether its possible to bring my honey badger self to a relationship where I actually do care. I think I have done that already once!!! (I'm really excited about this revelation.  ) Very early on when I was still totally reeling from the thing with ex, and in fact, while we were still actively having sex and such, I starting hanging out with a guy that I was insanely attracted to (it was so crazy to be with ex and feel so bad about myself and then every sunday I'd see this guy, Ruben, at dancing and just feel happy for the three hours that I was there as if the ex didn't exist at all). 

Things with him ramped up really slowly over about a three month period during which the official break up finally happened. Eventually, he asked me for my phone number, said he was gonna call, we were gonna go out, yada yada... and then he didn't and I was, of course, sad as hell about it. And then he disappeared completely for about a month and I was completely certain that the only explanation was that he just didn't really dig me. I thought maybe I had invented his whole side of the attraction. 

And then he showed up one night, refused to dance, looked me straight in the eye and said "I need to know what happened with your marriage." So, OMG, it turned out that the problem was not that I had made it all up or that he didn't like me!!! And then, I swear to god, I fell in love with him for about ten minutes while he told me that he had recently had a messy break up (a year earlier) w no infidelities on his part with the woman that he'd been with since he was 14 years old and that he had full custody of his 9 and 11 year old kids (he had never let on anything about any of it earlier) and hadn't dated or anything since. My heart totally broke for him and also I felt like I could understand it all, had been there myself, OMG! But after he left, I felt like, wow, I love him a little bit, or love some part of him or something, but I had already moved on and I didn't really wanna give up what I had moved on to. I was confused. And then over the next few weeks I realized I was thinking about him a lot... so I texted him twice and both times I thought, he's not gonna respond. But that was totally ok with me, because I felt like my feelings for him were pure enough that, while I'd rather he called me back and say "of course I'd love to have coffee with you" second best for me was that he wouldn't be in a place where he could do that but he would know from my text that I was thinking about him and caring about him and that would be a comfort or even make him feel a little more optimistic about life. 

So, there's bringing a little honey badger to a relationship where I cared and possibly even cared a little more than the other party. There's still a little piece of me that's hoping Ruben shows up again one day. But I am feeling good enough about myself that I know that's just up to him and doesn't say anything one way or the other about my worth. 

I am growing up! I swear! :smthumbup:


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## firebelly1

That's awesome grays. I feel like online dating is doing that for me a little. I had a thread on here a couple of weeks ago where I told everyone that I couldn't stand NOT responding to people who messaged me cuz I thought it was rude. Basically the answer was "don't worry about it so much - if you're not interested, don't respond." Of late, I've done that with no remorse. Baby steps. 

I've been someone who can't stand to see anyone else unhappy but I can't be a honey badger if I'm letting my life revolve around conflict avoidance and people pleasing.


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## grays

I bet there's someone out there making "what would honey badger do?" tee shirts. 

I had the same problem when I dabbled in match.com. I didn't get all that many messages, though. lol


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## soccermom2three

Grays, I just finish your thread. I think your self-reflection is a great thing. So many people go to relationship to relationship without figuring out what went wrong with the last one. I think it's important to do some kind of "debriefing" when a relationship ends. What worked, what didn't. That way the next relationship is hopefully healthier, (even if it's a FWB).


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## RandomDude

:scratchhead:

There's no power-play between me and my FWB


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## Fenix

RandomDude said:


> :scratchhead:
> 
> There's no power-play between me and my FWB



:rofl:


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## firebelly1

RandomDude said:


> :scratchhead:
> 
> There's no power-play between me and my FWB


Of course there is.


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## firebelly1

Fenix said:


> The power dynamic you describe would make me run. I am so not a game player. I understand where you are coming from though. I, too, just got out of a 25 year marriage and I receive a lot of attention. It is an eye opening experience, for sure. I would caution getting caught up in it though.
> 
> I wanted a FWB too. I am not in the market for a LTR. So, I found a guy via match with an extremely similar background and story to mine. Same place in his marriage break up (20 years) and we decided to walk the road together, dip our toe in and when it stopped being fun, we would move on. Still fun 10 months later and very, very exclusive. He has given me the gift of showing me what a relationship is where I don't have to walk on eggshells, where I am enough, he has allowed me to relax into him...if that makes sense. It is quite the gift.


So when you met this guy on match did both of you articulate from the beginning that you were looking for FWB? Was it your intention from the beginning to be exclusive and did you articulate that or did that happen later?


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## RandomDude

firebelly1 said:


> Of course there is.


:scratchhead:


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