# I can't let it go



## liifeiisabeach (Jan 5, 2013)

DH and I have been married less than 6 months, together for almost 2 years. During our first year of dating he had a few slipups with inappropriate messages on FB. He told one girl "if you want to talk dirty I'm here, and your ass better send pictures" and he told another girl "You're so hot, you make me wish I was single. A girl as sexy as you shouldn't be alone... yada yada" I think the worst part about the whole thing is that I was pregnant with our son when it happened. Despite the red flags and betrayal, I married the man. 
It's been over a year since it happened and I can't let it go. Every time he's on his phone I get that kick in the gut and I feel like he's talking to another girl. I have gone through his phone (he hands it over whenever I ask to see it ) And I haven't seen anything askew. Every time we have an argument I tend to bring it up even though I know I shouldn't. I made the choice to stay, to work it out, and I'm not doing myself any favors by dwelling on it. 
I've always had self esteem issues, and I guess that just magnified them by 238749 %. I want to be able to let it go, I want to be able to trust that he's not going to do it again, but I don't know where to begin. I think part of me is not believing his apology because he really doesn't feel any remorse about it, at least he doesn't show any. And I don't think he really understands how much he hurt me. He tells me every day that he loves me and wants to be with only me, he loves me, he loves our life together. 
What are a few steps I can take to try and get over this and move on ? I want to be happy in my marriage.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

If you can get counselling, that often helps. It helped me enormously although before my wife betrayed me and my children I had been through some very rocky times but never needed a counsellor.

I don't think it's something you can get over on your own - sometimes you need a prompt from outside to help you see a way forward.

How about you post in this thread every time something bothers you and we'll try and help you through it.

It can help just to know someone out there cares and is ready to listen.

edit/ I should have asked - have you tried calmly mentioning it to him when it does bother you?


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## liifeiisabeach (Jan 5, 2013)

I have thought about getting counselling for a while. My self worth has been 0 for a long long time, and I have no idea why. I will actually look at one today on my lunch break. My son deserves a happy mom.

I have talked to him calmly about it a few times. His reply is always "I have said I'm sorry and I haven't done anything since. It's been a year and you keep bringing it up" I feel like if I should bear the emotional pain he caused me, he can listen to me vent about it. I hate that every time he looks at his phone I feel like he's talking to another girl. I hate that I am just waiting for him to cheat on me physically. I guess that's all stuff counselling could help me with. 

Deep down I'm hoping someone can just tell me something profound and I'll be better. But I know that's not possible. I'm so mad I want to scream. I'm mad at him for breaking my heart, and I'm mad at myself for not being able to let it go.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

It's remarkably difficult to "let go". One thing I learned is that I have to rely on me for my happiness and that I don't have to be nice to everyone.

I believe the change has to come from yourself, as ultimately you are the only person that can change anything.

That's not benig Zen, it's just logical in a way. 

Once or twice in life, someone has told me something that clicked in my mind and I managed to get myself clear of a problem, but that is luck as much as anything.

I'm at work at the moment so will post a few more tips later.

Hang on in there


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You're on edge because he broke the comfortable spell you were in when you trusted him to want only you. He broke the trust and the entire calculus of your relationship in your head changed.

It might help to psychologically shore yourself up by recognizing some facts:

- It goes both ways. You are just as capable of attracting other people as he is. If he isn't the man you hoped he was, you can always cut your losses and go on to live a happy life without him.

- No matter what he does, you will survive. It's your life to live, not his, and you will survive. For yourself and your child.

So, don't let him throw you off. Empower yourself with the knowledge that he will blow a very good thing if he does this again. And always remember that you will survive.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Lifeisabeach..I sent a private message to you.


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## liifeiisabeach (Jan 5, 2013)

Thank you for the replies  

I think part of the reason I can't let go is because I have no idea why it happened. What was lacking in our relationship? All he says for his reason why is that he was so used to doing it all the time it was just habit. Now when I ask him I get that it was so long ago he doesn't remember. 
Deep down I know I'm a good catch. I know that I would be able to find someone who hasn't betrayed me and who would treat me right, but I have started a life with this man and I am not a quitter. I don't want to look back and think what if. If it happens to go in the way of a divorce I want to know that I did everything I could to make it work. But I shouldn't be the only one. He thinks our relationship is fine and there isn't anything to work on. 
I'm writing him a letter to express to him how I'm feeling without getting sidetracked by his response, and I can't find the right words to explain to him how he made me feel when he did what he did.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

So he did this before you married? It seems you have full transparency now.
I would go into MC. Communication is the issue.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

i also say counseling.

he broke your trust..... PLAIN AND SIMPLE. he needs to earn that back. if he doesn't seem remorseful, how can you believe that he loves you? maybe some counseling sessions will open his eyes to your pain. 

i think that's why you can't move on..... in your eyes, he still "doesn't get it."


also, as you've already pointed out, you're either ALL IN, or you're NOT.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

It was not necessarily something lacking in your relationship but rather something lacking in him. A character flaw. Something he is missing inside himself. As a wife you are his emotional support but not all of it. no one can do that. Its not healthy. No one person can be all to anyone else. If he is missing something inside, he needs counseling for find what that is otherwise he is doomed to repeat this.

Another thing, you cant let it go because he's not remorseful. He doesnt get it. If he did he would never utter the words "its been a year....." He'd comfort you and listen. he'd reassure you. He'd provide transparency and honesty. What is he doing to make this right for you?


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## John2012 (Sep 18, 2012)

liifeiisabeach said:


> I have thought about getting counselling for a while. My self worth has been 0 for a long long time, and I have no idea why. I will actually look at one today on my lunch break. My son deserves a happy mom.
> 
> I have talked to him calmly about it a few times. His reply is always "I have said I'm sorry and I haven't done anything since. It's been a year and you keep bringing it up" I feel like if I should bear the emotional pain he caused me, he can listen to me vent about it. I hate that every time he looks at his phone I feel like he's talking to another girl. I hate that I am just waiting for him to cheat on me physically. I guess that's all stuff counselling could help me with.
> 
> Deep down I'm hoping someone can just tell me something profound and I'll be better. But I know that's not possible. I'm so mad I want to scream. I'm mad at him for breaking my heart, and I'm mad at myself for not being able to let it go.


Hope this story helps:

Stay as grounded as you can avoid the knee jerk reactions the best you can. You will get better at it.

There is a Taoist story of an old farmer who had worked his crops for many years. One day his horse ran away. Upon hearing the news, his neighbors came to visit. "Such bad luck," they said sympathetically. "May be," the farmer replied. The next morning the horse returned, bringing with it three other wild horses. "How wonderful," the neighbors exclaimed. "May be," replied the old man. The following day, his son tried to ride one of the untamed horses, was thrown, and broke his leg. The neighbors again came to offer their sympathy on his misfortune. "May be," answered the farmer. The day after, military officials came to the village to draft young men into the army. Seeing that the son's leg was broken, they passed him by. The neighbors congratulated the farmer on how well things had turned out. "May be," said the farmer.


Sit in the middle of the Seesaw, be less impacted by the highs and lows, preserve your emotional peace. This works well in life.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

This story has helped me, although others not so much 

A senior monk and a junior monk were traveling together. At one point, they came to a river with a strong current. As the monks were preparing to cross the river, they saw a very young and beautiful woman also attempting to cross. The young woman asked if they could help her.

The senior monk carried this woman on his shoulder, forded the river and let her down on the other bank. The junior monk was very upset, but said nothing.

They both were walking and senior monk noticed that his junior was suddenly silent and enquired “Is something the matter, you seem very upset?”

The junior monk replied, “As monks, we are not permitted a woman, how could you then carry that woman on your shoulders?”

The senior monk replied, “I left the woman a long time ago at the bank, however, you seem to be carrying her still.”


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

And here's one that brings our expectations down to earth:

A young woman is driving in the desert and sees an older Native American woman walking on the side of the road. She offers the woman a lift and the two of them ride along in silence for miles.

After some time, the older woman notices an expensive bottle of wine on the floor of the car and says, "Nice wine."

The young woman answers enthusiastically, "Oh yes, I got it for my husband."

To which the older woman replies, "Good trade."


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

alte Dame said:


> And here's one that brings our expectations down to earth:
> 
> A young woman is driving in the desert and sees an older Native American woman walking on the side of the road. She offers the woman a lift and the two of them ride along in silence for miles.
> 
> ...


:rofl: Nice.


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## liifeiisabeach (Jan 5, 2013)

Those are some great stories ! 
We had a talk last night and I made it clear that I'm just going to need his support and full cooperation in helping me forgive him. I know that he will NOT do certain things because he doesn't want me getting upset. For example his co-worker (female) text him regarding information on a cleaning person for our house. He didn't save her number because he figured I'd get mad. "I know what I'm allowed and not allowed to do" I feel that this behavior is going to cripple my progress in trusting him. I want him to be himself and not censor his life for me. Am I completely off base here? I guess I want to see that he's capable of going out for the night, having a girls number in his phone, etc and still be faithful me.


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

Well first, you are going to havvve to go back to math class! 100 % is as high as you can go! I know they say give it 110%, but they are just kidding. The haircut on your little boy is just to cute! My son was bald for two and half years (2.5) Now, what was the question?:scratchhead:ait my son


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## liifeiisabeach (Jan 5, 2013)

?? I am a little thrown off by the math comment...

After I gave him his bath I put his hair like that hahah. He doesn't look that cool all the time


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

Sorry for the delay. I think it is a good sign that he gives up his phone, when asked. I also think there is a time period that it takes a normal guy to go from Single, Fun, Party Guy to Married Stay at Home with my new Wife and newborn Son Guy. JM2C David


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

238749% Humor!


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## liifeiisabeach (Jan 5, 2013)

HA! I just got it. I even went back to see what you were talking about before I replied. I SEE IT NOW! haha. 

It shouldn't be all that hard for him to adjust. He was married before me. But he shouldn't have put a ring on my finger if he still wanted to have his fun with other girls.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

In a way, you are finding the adage oft cited on here:

Trust - but verify.

If somebody knows that you might check everything and that you might react badly to certain things then they will change what they do and this then defeats the object of verifying.

When "we" say "verify" it means "without your spouse knowing". It is a price you have to pay if you want to keep the relationship as, eventually, I don't think any relationship can survive overt mistrust.

It will take real courage, but lay off your husband. It is like lying by omission so treading on dangerous ground, but let him think you trust him 100%. It is only then that you can verify that he is trustworthy.

Anything less and, whether you check or not, you will know that he knows and that he *would* hide something inappropriate if it comes to it.


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## liifeiisabeach (Jan 5, 2013)

I don't want to put lipstick on a pig. If I am going to "act" like I trust him, I'd rather do what I can to actually make it true. I first need to accept the situation for what it really is. I feel kind of like an as$ coming here and telling my story when there is so much worse that TAM members are dealing with. There was never any back and forth for a long time, no dirty pictures, no "sexting" no physical contact.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

liifeiisabeach said:


> I don't want to put lipstick on a pig. If I am going to "act" like I trust him, I'd rather do what I can to actually make it true. I first need to accept the situation for what it really is. I feel kind of like an as$ coming here and telling my story when there is so much worse that TAM members are dealing with. There was never any back and forth for a long time, no dirty pictures, no "sexting" no physical contact.


I know where you're coming from here - I haven't really checked up on my stbxw in any meaningful way since finding out about everything as I figure you either trust or you don't. I just thought I'd try a little "do as I say, not what I do" 

Either way, if something is bothering you and it's to do with what is effectively a betrayal, then this is what the forum is for and there is a wealth of experience for you to draw on.


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