# Long term no sex...now reconciling..how to bring it back?



## NewBegining (Jul 2, 2011)

Hello,

Haven't posted here much, but have a pretty big problem I need help with. 
Background
My H and I have been married for almost 4 years. We have 2 kids. Our relationship changed dramatically after our first son was born. We had only been dating for about 3 months when I had an unplanned pregnancy with our son.. we stayed together and married about a year after he was born. Once I started showing with that pregnancy.... the crazy multiple times a day sex stopped. We went an entire year without sex. 
Over time we just became so distant from one another... we maybe had sex 3 times per year. 
In January my H had an affair with a coworker. I kicked him out of the house, filed for divorce. We were separated, living different lives for 5 months. We have now been attempting reconciliation for the last month. 
Overall things are going well. We make a deliberate effort to spend one on one time together..we have an arrangement for someone to take our kids overnight at the end of the month etc. This is all something we have NEVER done in our marriage. 
One problem remains though... we still don't have any physical initmacy. My H says the physical attraction is there... but he has a "wall" when it comes to physical intimacy with me. He has had a hard time forgiving himself for the affair (even though I have forgiven him), he has a hard time viewing me as a sexual being since I became a mother, we both have alot of external stress in our work life... which I think I deal with better than he does. We have financial problems, and his mom was recently diagnosed with cancer (but is doing well). 
I just don't know what to do. At this point I am ok without having actual intercourse and have told him just fooling around would make me feel desired and so much better about the situation. 
He has told me "it doesn't bother him" if I initiate physical contact, but he " doesn't want me to be disappointed if I don't have the desired outcome". 
What should I do? Do I keep throwing myself at him every night, hoping to condition him to want more physical contact? Do I just sit around and wait for him to FINALLY feel like he wants to initate? I feel like I could be waitng forever. Do I just say this isn't going to work and go our separate ways? 
He has no ED issues.. so what's the problem??


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## nada (Aug 20, 2011)

NewBegining said:


> Hello,
> 
> 
> One problem remains though... we still don't have any physical initmacy. My H says the physical attraction is there... but he has a "wall" when it comes to physical intimacy with me. He has had a hard time forgiving himself for the affair (even though I have forgiven him), he has a hard time viewing me as a sexual being since I became a mother, we both have alot of external stress in our work life... which I think I deal with better than he does. We have financial problems, and his mom was recently diagnosed with cancer (but is doing well).
> I just don't know what to do.


It may be something to what he said about seeing you with different eyes after you have had children. Have you talked about counseling for him for that? If this is the source of the problem, you cannot do much about the situation except for encouraging him to get counselling. There may be something else, and I am politically incorrect by asking, but have had a massive weight increase after giving birth? (this can be camouflaged as his response, to avoid hurting you). Does he seem depressed?

He is not very emotional open, is he?


Best wishes
Nada


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Blah blah blah a ton of husbandly lame excuses. He's not into you that way any more.


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## Idun (Jul 30, 2011)

This might be something you need marriage counseling for. Which would be an excellent idea anyway, considering what you've been through as a couple. If he's really serious about reconciliation he won't say no to counseling.

Consider:
- how are you physically, postbirth? are you still about the same weight? Men are very visual and if you've put on weight that could affect how attracted he is. 
- make an extra effort with your appearance overall: look, smell and taste extra nice so you're as irresistable as possible. 
- and on men being visual, try getting some fresh new sexy lingerie outfits to wear under a red silk nightgown. Just wear it around all innocent like you're not actually expecting or caring whether he takes the bait. You're just wearing it because _you_ like to look and feel sexy and confident. Try not to hang too much on his reactions. Play a little cheeky hard to get if he goes for a grope. I am sure it must be very hard to be turned down all the time  But desperate or stressful vibes around the topic of sex will have the opposite effect you would want! Try to remain playful (even when rejected) so there's no pressure on him.
- have you thought about pelvic floor/kegel exercises? I gave birth to my third baby in 3 years just 6 weeks ago. We've had fantastic sex since then and I almost always orgasm from penetration alone (at the same time as him! I feel very lucky). But I am self conscious about any loss of tone 'down there'. Note: doing pelvic/kegel exercises without any resistance (without anything in the vagina) makes it very hard to do it right, to feel the right muscles contracting. I found this out after trying a pelvic floor exerciser! My first exerciser was ok but I just ordered a Gyneflex which I can't wait for.
- maybe you could initiate the sexual contact with just surprising him with some oral, but only enough to get him really interested (he wouldn't stop you from doing that would he?) and then tell him he'll have to come get you and make love if he wants to 'finish'  

It's hard to really give accurate advice without any idea on what your relationship is like. But the fact that the sex stopped when you started showing in pregnancy makes me think he needs individual counselling, as well as MC for you together. Especially if none of the above tricks make any difference.


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## Roooth (May 13, 2011)

The thing that stuck out for me was him not seeing you as a sexual being now that you're a mother. Does he realize that this means he'll never be happy with one woman, that he's setting himself up to wanting a platonic roommate to take care of his kids, and then fantasy women outside the home for sex? That's jacked up. If he doesn't want you, why is he trying to get you back? B/c his house is dirty? 

Not trying to seem harsh, but this is not right. If he can't see the beauty in a woman who has had his child and make you a mate (mates have sex) for life, you're set up to repeat past mistakes. I wonder where his ideas of sexuality come from? Locker room talk? Porn? Is there some turn off to motherhood and other real life scenarios? If his ideas on sex cannot change, I would have very poor hopes for your future, sorry to say. 

And for you: just know it's not you. To some people, the most beautiful and sexy thing is a loving woman who is a good mother and nurturer. I have one male friend who still talks about his wife and mother of 4 children as if she was a piece of meat - only on occasion, and in a good way, like he obviously still sees her as extremely sexual and desireable even though he respects everything she does for him at home. This exists and this is what a good mother should have, the ability to be the mother at home and a tigress in the bedroom.


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## NewBegining (Jul 2, 2011)

Roooth said:


> The thing that stuck out for me was him not seeing you as a sexual being now that you're a mother. Does he realize that this means he'll never be happy with one woman, that he's setting himself up to wanting a platonic roommate to take care of his kids, and then fantasy women outside the home for sex? That's jacked up. If he doesn't want you, why is he trying to get you back? B/c his house is dirty?
> 
> Not trying to seem harsh, but this is not right. If he can't see the beauty in a woman who has had his child and make you a mate (mates have sex) for life, you're set up to repeat past mistakes. I wonder where his ideas of sexuality come from? Locker room talk? Porn? Is there some turn off to motherhood and other real life scenarios? If his ideas on sex cannot change, I would have very poor hopes for your future, sorry to say.
> 
> And for you: just know it's not you. To some people, the most beautiful and sexy thing is a loving woman who is a good mother and nurturer. I have one male friend who still talks about his wife and mother of 4 children as if she was a piece of meat - only on occasion, and in a good way, like he obviously still sees her as extremely sexual and desireable even though he respects everything she does for him at home. This exists and this is what a good mother should have, the ability to be the mother at home and a tigress in the bedroom.



Thanks Rooth~!
This is just what I needed to hear. To the other poster. Physically I am in better shape now than when I got pregnant with my first son. I am 5'4 and 125 pounds now. I will admit that after my first son I never really lost the weight for a long time.. and it definitely was an issue in our marriage. Thanks to the infidelity diet I lost about 50 pounds, and look and feel fantastic. He says it is no longer a lack of physcial attraction.. but that psychologically he has a "wall". Also I had both kids by c-section so the vagina issue isn't a problem. Saturday we have arranged to have the kids stay all day and overnight at a friends. It will really be a test to see if this is even possible.


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## Idun (Jul 30, 2011)

The best of luck to you!

Will just point out that pelvic floor exercises should (apparently) still be done after C-sections because the pregnancy still has a big effect on your pelvic floor. But you can be the judge!


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