# I'm married but I feel like a single parent!



## Samayouchan

I am a stay at home mother with our first child who is 7 months old at the end of this month. My husband works 8 hours a day Monday through Friday. When my baby boy was a newborn, all I asked my husband to help me with was to feed him before he went to bed and before he went to work in the mornings, so I could go to sleep ahead of him. The newborn at this time was eating every 3-4 hours. Long story short, he did the morning feeding like twice. After that it was "I am late can you feed him?" and that never changed since. Fast forward 7 months, hes been doing the 10pm dream feed every night. Tonight, for some reason, I went up stairs just 5 minutes after he went up stairs to feed our child, and hes in bed, no milk in a 9 oz filled bottle. I go in the bedroom and ask, what are you doing with the milk? there is no WAY he ate that fast! He reluctantly admitted after 5 minutes of me asking, that he hadnt been feeding our child his last bottle at night for "some time" now. I'm LIVID. It feels like he does EVERYTHING to get out of helping me with OUR baby which was HIS IDEA to begin with. I love my baby and wouldnt trade him for anything. But if I had known this was how it was going to be I would have NEVER done this "lets go off birth control and what happens will happen" ( HIS WORDS ). Then he looks at me and says that he didnt do anything wrong, and doesnt understand why I am upset. He's been pretending to make a bottle, just putting a little bit in it to make me think what was in it was left over. He NEVER helps me with our child unless I flat out ask. He never offers any more to do anything for the baby again unless I'm making it apparent that I need help. Its like I cant trust him with anything anymore now b/c I feel like Ive been lied to. When I told him this, he responds "Well if you would have just stayed down here and minded your own business, you wouldnt have ruined anything." ...... WTF!!!!! I feel that maybe I am over reacting a bit, but the fact that he RARELY plays with his child makes me feel like hes not even a father.


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## papa5280

One quick question...you said that he works 40 hours. Do you also work outside the home?


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## EleGirl

How old are the two of you?
How long have you been married?

I agree that your husband should be doing some things to take care of and build a relationship with his son.

But what I find curious is that you want him to take both the late feeding and the early morning feeding so that you can go to sleep earlier than your husband and wake up after him. This does not seem fair. Your husband works. It's not clear to me why you should be allowed to get more sleep than your husband does.

If your husband has not been feeding your son the late bottle for a long time, it seems that your son does not need the late bottle. It sounds like something that can be dropped now.

Does your husband lie about a lot of things? Or is his lying about the night feeding an unusual thing? If I were you, I'd be concerned that my husband did not feel safe telling me that the baby does not need the night bottle. 

What's your sex life like these days?


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## happy as a clam

Samayouchan said:


> He reluctantly admitted after 5 minutes of me asking, that he hadnt been feeding our child his last bottle at night for "some time" now. I'm LIVID.


Wow... just wow.

This would make me livid too. I don't even know what to say. Is your baby sleeping through the night, even without this late night feeding? If so, I guess you can eliminate that feeding altogether now, but that's beside the point.

The fact that he's been duping you for this long (how long has he been doing this?) and essentially LYING to you... even going so far as to make up "dummy" almost-empty bottles is very deceitful. The lying and the deceit would be a tough pill to swallow.

I honestly don't know what to tell you, except I would think LONG and HARD before having any more children with this man. You know what you will be up against if you do. And having two kids is WAY more than TWICE the work. The work and care becomes exponential as each child comes along. I speak from experience.

I would probably drag him into marriage counseling so that he knows how serious this is. He potentially endangered your baby's health if that last feeding was necessary to meet the caloric demands for the day. If it was just a "topping off" feeding to get him to sleep through the night, well you've achieved your goal. Still, shaking my head...

Marriage counseling will address the bigger issue, which is how he could lie and deceive you for so long and why he doesn't feel it's a problem in a marriage -- I think it's a HUGE problem.


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## Unique Username

Besides -
formula is expensive 
and if it is a breast milk bottle - then he deserves to be tarred and feathered

He needs to grow up and take responsibility for the family that he initiated and created

You have every right to be livid.

He is trying to gaslight you into believing that your anger and frustration are ridiculous


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## HomeFrontDadAndMore

Unique Username said:


> Besides -
> formula is expensive
> and if it is a breast milk bottle - then *he deserves to be tarred and feathered*
> 
> He needs to grow up and take responsibility for the family that he initiated and created
> 
> *You have every right to be livid.*
> 
> He is trying to gaslight you into believing that your anger and frustration are ridiculous


:iagree:

He needs to grow up and stop lying. Just incredible. I don't care if he's working 70hrs a week -- if he agrees to do something for HIS son he should do it. What?... going through the motions?? Isn't that almost as much work as doing actually doing it?


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## Rowan

Samayouchan said:


> "Well if you would have just stayed down here and minded your own business, you wouldnt have ruined anything."


Regardless of what the specific issue is, the above response would be a _huge_ red flag to me. 

Does that attitude extend to other aspects of your marriage?


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## WolverineFan

Communication and conflict resolution are key ingredients to any marital relationship. His response doesn't seem appropriate but we are only hearing one side of the story. Have you considered going to see a counselor or a Pastor to help the two of you get a better handle on expectations and shared responsibility? As a father, I always took my turn to feed my children and help but to be honest, it wasn't always my favorite thing to do either. My wife had no problem, however, making it clear that she needed my help or letting me have it when I was dropping the ball. 

I do wonder though, as a stay-at-home mother, why you need to go to bed before your husband. Do you take advantage of the naps your son inevitably must be taking during the day to sleep as well? In any event, you and your husband need to come to an agreement and seeing a counselor to help in that process would be much better than getting bitter and angry. Here is a quote from an article I found dealing with this issue:

"Here, as in every other area of married life, open communication is the key to mutual understanding and a successful relationship. Many couples never talk to each other about their parenting expectations. Nor are they willing to open up and share the fears and struggles they’re facing as they take on the challenge of caring for a child. In most cases, both of them are doing the best they can, and both of them are feeling insecure. The first step toward resolving this difficulty is to talk about these thoughts and feelings in an honest and non-threatening way."

Hope this helps! My thoughts and prayers are with you.


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## RandomDude

EleGirl said:


> But what I find curious is that you want him to take both the late feeding and the early morning feeding so that you can go to sleep earlier than your husband and wake up after him. This does not seem fair. Your husband works. It's not clear to me why you should be allowed to get more sleep than your husband does.


Agreed

Still remember in the early years of my past marriage when I was kicked outta bed repeatedly in the middle of the night by my ex to take care of my daughter despite working 84 hours a week in two full-time jobs including personal study.

No offense, but sometimes I feel as though SAHMs tend to up forgetting what it's like to be in the workforce.


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## Pluto2

Well, I worked full-time and exclusively did the child care for our two kids. Get off OP's case about asking for help with the child. She obviously can't ask him to do anything while DH is at work, so this is what she can ask for. And guess what? Being a SAHM is just as much work as a paid job.

He lies to you. HUGE red flag. It likely wasn't the first thing he lied to you about, and unless changes are made it won't be the last.

He essentially neglects the child. I don't mean he's technically neglecting the baby. He would rather just get in bed than bond with baby, which is what feedings provide at this age. 
Be careful how you handle this. If you nag, he will likely become resentful and that will drive a wedge even further into your relationship.
I suggest you tell him flat out this is unacceptable and ask what he plans to do next. Suggest couples counseling to help with communication. He clearly thought it was better for him to lie about the feedings than to talk to you about it.

The beginning of the end for my marriage was when I asked my ex to help more with the kids and the house (for the umpteenth time). He said I should consider myself lucky he comes at night because he knew a lot of men at work that didn't. If you get anything close to that kind of a response-run for the hills.


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## Sbrown

My marriage has its problems but I have to say I'm very spoiled in this area. My wife never asked me or demanded I do anything I didn't want to. She is a sahm and loves it. She is baffled by those that claim it's as tough as working at a paying job. She works about three hours a day and the rest of the time is spent relaxing or out having fun with our son. Our house is clean and the boy is well taken care of. Once the house is clean it only takes her maintaining it. We don't get it.

but your husband is wrong to lie about the situation. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RandomDude

Sbrown said:


> She is baffled by those that claim it's as tough as working at a paying job.


Aye, especially when there is only...

ONE CHILD

Ffs :slap:


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

"b/c I feel like Ive been lied to"

You feel that way because you were.

Also, he then blamed you for this situation, which is ridiculous.

Sounds like he has some kind of mother complex, where he needs to be getting away with a lie, and also inflicting or risking inflicting physical discomfort/neglect on a child and you. 

I had a relationship with a person like this.
That's in the past tense.

We had kids. The kids went through a lot with joint custody. It's better now. But they were neglected here and there and he got away with lies when social services followed up. The need to lie and the inflict harm and get away with it does not go away when you end a relationship, the person is the same person.

Between a rock and a hard place for the next 18 years I think.
These kind of people don't change.
They remain who they are.

Only advice I have is to take care of yourself and your child, also not to rely on him for anything other than household expenses (and you may want to rethink that) and to bluntly call him out on his lies without showing that you are upset (this will feed his sense of power and control.)

I might also invest in a hidden camera to make sure your son is never abused. As well as birth control.


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## turnera

Thing is, you have control over this situation and you aren't using it. The baby is 7 months old - you wanna go for a walk? Carry the baby over to your husband, put the baby in his lap, hand him a pacifier and a diaper, and LEAVE.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

turnera said:


> Thing is, you have control over this situation and you aren't using it. The baby is 7 months old - you wanna go for a walk? Carry the baby over to your husband, put the baby in his lap, hand him a pacifier and a diaper, and LEAVE.


I wouldn't use an innocent child who cannot yet speak for himself in a match against this type of personality. 

In my experience, "accidents" happen. 

If you suspect or have reason to believe that the other parent cannot or will not care for the child, you should not leave the child with the parent alone unless ordered to by a court.


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## Anonymous07

EleGirl said:


> your husband should be doing some things to take care of and build a relationship with his son.
> 
> But what I find curious is that you want him to take both the late feeding and the early morning feeding so that you can go to sleep earlier than your husband and wake up after him. This does not seem fair. Your husband works. It's not clear to me why you should be allowed to get more sleep than your husband does.


:iagree:

Being a SAHM, you really should be taking the overnight care of the child, since you have the ability to take a nap during the day when the baby naps(not always possible, but you can at times). I'm a SAHM(mostly) myself and have always done the overnight feedings. If I'm really tired, I'll ask my husband to watch our son on his day off so I can nap to catch up on sleep and I expect him to do so without any complaints. 

But with that said, I would be livid if my husband lied to me about feeding our son, especially since our son is breastfed and wasting that liquid gold would make me cry. My husband actually did that once and I broke down in tears, and luckily, he never did it again. The fact that he doesn't seem to think it's a big deal is bothersome. 

I would have a big talk with him about it all after the baby goes down for the night. Thinking it is "okay" to lie to you is a red flag. Both of you are parents and both need to put in some work, so he needs to step up.


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## Anonymous07

RandomDude said:


> Aye, especially when there is only...
> 
> ONE CHILD
> 
> Ffs :slap:


Considering that you have never actually been a stay at home parent, I don't think you have any idea what it's really like and have no room to talk. 

In the past, before I had my son, I thought a lot like you. I thought it was "easy" to be a SAHM, but I was wrong. It's a constant, never ending job(24/7). The messes never seem to end, the laundry and dishes are always there to be done. It's tiring, to be on "double duty" all the time, making lunch while also keeping an eye on a wild 1 year old to keep him out of trouble. Even with a baby, it was tiring with the little sleep on top of keeping the baby happy/entertained all day. If you put a price on all that a SAHM does, she would make a huge salary(maid, cook, care taker, etc. - the many hats of a SAHM). It's really not so easy.


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## turnera

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> I wouldn't use an innocent child who cannot yet speak for himself in a match against this type of personality.
> 
> In my experience, "accidents" happen.
> 
> If you suspect or have reason to believe that the other parent cannot or will not care for the child, you should not leave the child with the parent alone unless ordered to by a court.


Huh? What did I miss? How has he endangered his child, apart from not giving him a feeding before bedtime (which some people don't do anyway)? She hasn't mentioned any other things he's done, other than being lazy and lying. Not great, of course. But not endangerment.


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## SadSamIAm

Was your child waking up a few hours after you went to bed or was he sleeping through the night?

If the child was waking up, then he obviously needed that late night feeding. 

If not though, maybe your husband was OK in not feeding him. Just not OK in lieing to you about it. I have heard of people putting a 7 month old to bed at 8pm and having it sleep all night.

Wondering why he would lie. Did you have a conversation about this night feeding and you didn't agree with him? Do you often not agree with him? Do you make all the rules in regards to caring for your son?

Your use of the term 'my baby' instead of 'our baby' makes me wonder about the dynamic.


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## JEMS_01234

Sounds complicated, and every family is different. But if you want him to take on more responsiblity, speak to him about it. Don't just complain about it, but rather suggest some fair solutions. 

You also (and I'm not suggesting you do, but I've known some mothers who do), have to let go and give him a chance to raise the baby his way. You may need to help him feel confident about taking care of the baby. If you constantly point out he is doing something wrong, he may be less likely to engage at all.

I suggest talking to him, and suggesting that you would like to go out without the baby, every, say, thursday evening. (don't pick a weekend, as that is his time away from work). Then leave the house and leave him with the baby. Perhaps once he starts to spend more alone time with the baby and bond with it, he'll want to do it even when you are around, and then he'll help out more??


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## Sbrown

RandomDude said:


> Aye, especially when there is only...
> 
> ONE CHILD
> 
> Ffs :slap:


Lol ah maybe so, but fixing more food isn't going to add to the work load and MAYBE one more load of laundry.... what am I missing?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sbrown

Anonymous07 said:


> Considering that you have never actually been a stay at home parent, I don't think you have any idea what it's really like and have no room to talk.
> 
> In the past, before I had my son, I thought a lot like you. I thought it was "easy" to be a SAHM, but I was wrong. It's a constant, never ending job(24/7). The messes never seem to end, the laundry and dishes are always there to be done. It's tiring, to be on "double duty" all the time, making lunch while also keeping an eye on a wild 1 year old to keep him out of trouble. Even with a baby, it was tiring with the little sleep on top of keeping the baby happy/entertained all day. If you put a price on all that a SAHM does, she would make a huge salary(maid, cook, care taker, etc. - the many hats of a SAHM). It's really not so easy.


My wife disagrees....she wonders what the sahm ' s that make this claim are doing all day. Not saying anyone is wrong, we just don't see it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Adelais

Sbrown said:


> My wife disagrees....she wonders what the sahm ' s that make this claim are doing all day. Not saying anyone is wrong, we just don't see it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Wow! Way to judge something you have no idea about!

When everyone is in the home, they are using the home and getting it dirty. Chores that some leave for once a week are done every day. Chores that are left for once a month get done once a week, etc.

When everyone is gone to work, daycare, etc. the house is empty and not getting dirty. The child makes messes at daycare, and they clean it up. Everyone eats elsewhere therefore less meals to prepare, less messes and less dishes.

SAHM reads to the children, teaches them, plays with them, takes them to the park, etc., while at daycare or at school the children would be fending for themselves or entertained by the paid workers most of the time.

SAHM might learn to sew, bake her own bread since she is at home, use fabric diapers and diaper wipes (more laundry) etc. Being home CREATES more work in and of itself, if the SAHM has a work ethic and creativity.

I am much more busy at home than I ever was at my "paid" jobs (I had two different professions: a Chemist and also a licensed Teacher in a completely different subject.)


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## EleGirl

Sbrown said:


> My wife disagrees....she wonders what the sahm ' s that make this claim are doing all day. Not saying anyone is wrong, we just don't see it.


If your wife a SAHM? 

If so what does she do all day?

A SAHM who is doing what really needs to be done is working full time and more.


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## michzz

EleGirl said:


> If your wife a SAHM?
> 
> If so what does she do all day?
> 
> A SAHM who is doing what really needs to be done is working full time and more.


But as others have noted, they can take advantage of the kid's sleep cycle and nap too.

Also, they don't have to be tethered to their kid nonstop so some chores can get done.

The spouse at a job can never just go take a nap.

I couldn't tell from the original posting whether her H lied to get her off his back because he made a decision about the baby's care that she didn't like or if he lied because he was "lazy".

Some mothers think they have veto power regarding the baby and it bleeds over into their attitude toward their husbands.

Whatever is going on, the baby should be cared for properly. Deciding what properly is, is the issue and who gets to decide.

If the primary care person is overloaded, show it and ask for help.

Let some housekeeping chores slide, let the other person do those if they are no good at baby things.


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## Anonymous07

IMFarAboveRubies said:


> Wow! Way to judge something you have no idea about!
> 
> When everyone is in the home, they are using the home and getting it dirty. Chores that some leave for once a week are done every day. Chores that are left for once a month get done once a week, etc.
> 
> When everyone is gone to work, daycare, etc. the house is empty and not getting dirty. The child makes messes at daycare, and they clean it up. Everyone eats elsewhere therefore less meals to prepare, less messes and less dishes.
> 
> SAHM reads to the children, teaches them, plays with them, takes them to the park, etc., while at daycare or at school the children would be fending for themselves or entertained by the paid workers most of the time.
> 
> SAHM might learn to sew, bake her own bread since she is at home, use fabric diapers and diaper wipes (more laundry) etc. Being home CREATES more work in and of itself, if the SAHM has a work ethic and creativity.
> 
> I am much more busy at home than I ever was at my "paid" jobs (I had two different professions: a Chemist and also a licensed Teacher in a completely different subject.)


:iagree:

I am a SAHM(for the most part), with my son all day long and then work in the evenings(opposite schedule of my husband). I am so much more busy at home during the day, than I ever am at work. It is a lot of multitasking pretty much all day long. 



michzz said:


> But as others have noted, they can take advantage of the kid's sleep cycle and nap too.


That doesn't always work. When my son was younger, he was a horrible sleeper and would only nap for maybe 30 minutes at a time(many times it was 20 minute naps). By the time I got him down for his nap and tried to fall asleep myself(to catch up on the missed sleep from all of his night wakings), he would be awake again. I was so tired from this day after day, I would want to cry. Once a week or so, I would end up having my husband take care of our son so I could actually nap and catch up on the missed sleep, since our son woke up at least 3 times a night to nurse.


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## michzz

Anonymous07 said:


> W*hen my son was younger, he was a horrible sleeper and would only nap for maybe 30 minutes at a time(many times it was 20 minute naps). By the time I got him down for his nap and tried to fall asleep myself(to catch up on the missed sleep from all of his night wakings), he would be awake again. I was so tired from this day after day, I would want to cry.* Once a week or so, I would end up having my husband take care of our son so I could actually nap and catch up on the missed sleep, since our son woke up at least 3 times a night to nurse.


I can see that. I was primary caregiver of my two children every weekend while the ex went to her job and screwed around (literally).

It was hard so I figured out a way to get down time by splitting time with a lady from work. I would watch her daughter with my two kids for four hours on Saturday and she would watch my kids on Sunday for four hours.

A spouse is not the only solution for getting relief from parenting duties without paying for it.


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## EnjoliWoman

Well, it really seems like you need to get to the bottom of the real issue. We can all be guilty of assuming and projecting so every opinion can reflect that to some degree.

He may have felt the child didn't need the bottle. The baby wouldn't be making the expected weight gains at his checkups and too little food would become an issue. Also he would cry if he were hungry - did he go to sleep without a full feeding? Did he wake up sooner needing more food? If you didn't know until now, perhaps he really didn't need that extra feeding. I don't know.

Maybe he felt you would blow it all out of proportion and he felt he could say "Hey, I don't think he needs the bedtime feeding". Or maybe he IS lazy and feeling selfish with his time. A lot of men (not all) don't really 'enjoy' babies like the mother does and start to engage more with them when they start to walk, talk and play.

Or maybe he just doesn't care and it's not 'fun' like he thought it would be and resents the son for taking you away from him now that you don't even go to bed at the same time.

But you do need to speak with him to find out. We can't tell you why. But your approach should be calm and open minded and be prepared for what could be hard to hear.

I was a SAHM for 2 years. I did 90% of the child care, cooking, cleaning (3500 sq ft of it), laundry and shopping. AND had some me time/relaxation time.

He would give her a bottle in the middle of the night but unfortunately she didn't NEED one and I proved it by making him use a sippy cup which she refused. She wanted the comfort, not the nutrition so finally I broke the habit. Everything I've read says by 6 months they should sleep 6 hours straight so by 7 months, 7 hours, etc.


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## Sbrown

IMFarAboveRubies said:


> Wow! Way to judge something you have no idea about!
> 
> When everyone is in the home, they are using the home and getting it dirty. Chores that some leave for once a week are done every day. Chores that are left for once a month get done once a week, etc.
> 
> When everyone is gone to work, daycare, etc. the house is empty and not getting dirty. The child makes messes at daycare, and they clean it up. Everyone eats elsewhere therefore less meals to prepare, less messes and less dishes.
> 
> SAHM reads to the children, teaches them, plays with them, takes them to the park, etc., while at daycare or at school the children would be fending for themselves or entertained by the paid workers most of the time.
> 
> SAHM might learn to sew, bake her own bread since she is at home, use fabric diapers and diaper wipes (more laundry) etc. Being home CREATES more work in and of itself, if the SAHM has a work ethic and creativity.
> 
> I am much more busy at home than I ever was at my "paid" jobs (I had two different professions: a Chemist and also a licensed Teacher in a completely different subject.)


Lmao I made NO judgment towards anyone my wife who is a sahm! Wonders what other sahm ' s are doing that they can claim it is "the hardest job" she spends about 3 hours a day working around the house and the rest is playing with our son or other things besides work.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sbrown

EleGirl said:


> If your wife a SAHM?
> 
> If so what does she do all day?
> 
> A SAHM who is doing what really needs to be done is working full time and more.


Yes she is a sahm, she gets up fixes breakfast for her and our son, after that maybe run the dishwasher if needed throw in a load of cloths in the wash. Maybe mop and sweep if needed. She even mows the grass once a week. Some days she goes to the library with our son other days she takes him to play with the neighbor kids. Our house is immaculate and I usually have a hot meal cooked for me of an evening. After dinner she loads the dish washer gives the boy a bath and puts him down.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sbrown

She claims she has it easy. And wouldn't trade my places for nothing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Adelais

Sbrown said:


> She claims she has it easy. And wouldn't trade my places for nothing.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Rather than judge other SAHM's who are running all day, she should be thanking God that her child is "easy" that her house isn't very big, and that she has nerves of steel.

I need whatever vitamins she is taking....but I had 4 children 7 years old and under....I don't think vitamins would have helped. 

When I had only one, he was colicky, threw up, had explosive diapers that dirtied his clothes every single time, and as a toddler, got into everything...all the time. He kept me running.

During his nap time was the only time I could get some housework done. So no nap for me!!

By the time of #2 I started being able to get a nap, but when I got up, there was twice the work to do.


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## EMZED

Both me and my husband have stressful, high-concentration jobs that require a lot of precision and preparation.

We both agree that being home with our toddler is WAY harder than going to work. We can't wait to go to work and hand off our child to daycare so we can have a "break".


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## Sbrown

IMFarAboveRubies said:


> Rather than judge other SAHM's who are running all day, she should be thanking God that her child is "easy" that her house isn't very big, and that she has nerves of steel.
> 
> I need whatever vitamins she is taking....but I had 4 children 7 years old and under....I don't think vitamins would have helped.
> 
> When I had only one, he was colicky, threw up, had explosive diapers that dirtied his clothes every single time, and as a toddler, got into everything...all the time. He kept me running.
> 
> During his nap time was the only time I could get some housework done. So no nap for me!!
> 
> By the time of #2 I started being able to get a nap, but when I got up, there was twice the work to do.


Lol no one Is judging. If you felt judged that's on you. I guess you're right, we have an amazing little boy that rarely gets into things he shouldnt. He is very happy, calm and easy to handle. We live in an average house about 1500 sqft but our son cleans up his toys and cloths. We took advice from a guy I work with, he said "Don't let the first one fool you into thinking it's easy." Were one and done. Sorry for your.... situation. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sbrown

Man I wish I could nap on the job....that would be rough.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## staarz21

Sbrown said:


> Man I wish I could nap on the job....that would be rough.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That's unnecessary.


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## BtrHlzThnU

I, too feel like a single parent at times. My DH is a full time student and a full time employee as a software engineer. When he's home, he's usually sleeping or working on a programming project. I keep telling myself "it's not forever" and "this is only temporary" but it seldomly helps. He has only one semester left (thank GOSH) so I have some things to look forward to such as moving and having him home more. I'm not saying our situations are the same, I'm just saying I can understand that feeling of being alone in raising kids.

However, in your situation I feel like you two need to sit down together and have a serious heart to heart. This is ridiculous behavior on your husband's part. He needs to understand how you feel. 

I have nothing else to add but a interweb hug for you and I hope you both resolve this issue and he starts understanding how you feel as though you're a single parent.


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## U.E. McGill

Samayouchan said:


> I am a stay at home mother with our first child who is 7 months old at the end of this month. My husband works 8 hours a day Monday through Friday. When my baby boy was a newborn, all I asked my husband to help me with was to feed him before he went to bed and before he went to work in the mornings, so I could go to sleep ahead of him. The newborn at this time was eating every 3-4 hours. Long story short, he did the morning feeding like twice. After that it was "I am late can you feed him?" and that never changed since. Fast forward 7 months, hes been doing the 10pm dream feed every night. Tonight, for some reason, I went up stairs just 5 minutes after he went up stairs to feed our child, and hes in bed, no milk in a 9 oz filled bottle. I go in the bedroom and ask, what are you doing with the milk? there is no WAY he ate that fast! He reluctantly admitted after 5 minutes of me asking, that he hadnt been feeding our child his last bottle at night for "some time" now. I'm LIVID. It feels like he does EVERYTHING to get out of helping me with OUR baby which was HIS IDEA to begin with. I love my baby and wouldnt trade him for anything. But if I had known this was how it was going to be I would have NEVER done this "lets go off birth control and what happens will happen" ( HIS WORDS ). Then he looks at me and says that he didnt do anything wrong, and doesnt understand why I am upset. He's been pretending to make a bottle, just putting a little bit in it to make me think what was in it was left over. He NEVER helps me with our child unless I flat out ask. He never offers any more to do anything for the baby again unless I'm making it apparent that I need help. Its like I cant trust him with anything anymore now b/c I feel like Ive been lied to. When I told him this, he responds "Well if you would have just stayed down here and minded your own business, you wouldnt have ruined anything." ...... WTF!!!!! I feel that maybe I am over reacting a bit, but the fact that he RARELY plays with his child makes me feel like hes not even a father.



First let me clarify my position. I'm a father of 3, my wife is a SAHM. I don't know what you discussed about your division of labor, nor is it important. 

Two things stand out here to me. One, your husbands need to lie to you. Two, your need to have him help with out asking. 

Why do you think he can't tell you the truth? Personally I would have told you straight up what I was doing and not worried about your feelings. I'm an adult and can make decisions. Why do you think your husband doesn't trust your reaction?

Second, and this is a common problem with new wives, if you don't ask for help, you won't get it! My wife used to run around and get mad at me for sitting there while she worked her ass off. Men don't offer help, because we figure you would ask if you needed it. So you must not need it. Be specific, and state your need. 

As far as "playing" with your 7 month old. You're projecting your wants and needs on your husband. I didn't like my kids until they were about 8 months. I loved them, but they weren't exactly fun. Dads are built for toddler years and later. He'll come into his own.


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## lderv

Samayouchan said:


> I am a stay at home mother with our first child who is 7 months old at the end of this month. My husband works 8 hours a day Monday through Friday. When my baby boy was a newborn, all I asked my husband to help me with was to feed him before he went to bed and before he went to work in the mornings, so I could go to sleep ahead of him. The newborn at this time was eating every 3-4 hours. Long story short, he did the morning feeding like twice. After that it was "I am late can you feed him?" and that never changed since. Fast forward 7 months, hes been doing the 10pm dream feed every night. Tonight, for some reason, I went up stairs just 5 minutes after he went up stairs to feed our child, and hes in bed, no milk in a 9 oz filled bottle. I go in the bedroom and ask, what are you doing with the milk? there is no WAY he ate that fast! He reluctantly admitted after 5 minutes of me asking, that he hadnt been feeding our child his last bottle at night for "some time" now. I'm LIVID. It feels like he does EVERYTHING to get out of helping me with OUR baby which was HIS IDEA to begin with. I love my baby and wouldnt trade him for anything. But if I had known this was how it was going to be I would have NEVER done this "lets go off birth control and what happens will happen" ( HIS WORDS ). Then he looks at me and says that he didnt do anything wrong, and doesnt understand why I am upset. He's been pretending to make a bottle, just putting a little bit in it to make me think what was in it was left over. He NEVER helps me with our child unless I flat out ask. He never offers any more to do anything for the baby again unless I'm making it apparent that I need help. Its like I cant trust him with anything anymore now b/c I feel like Ive been lied to. When I told him this, he responds "Well if you would have just stayed down here and minded your own business, you wouldnt have ruined anything." ...... WTF!!!!! I feel that maybe I am over reacting a bit, but the fact that he RARELY plays with his child makes me feel like hes not even a father.


I have been where you are. I can understand your thoughts/ feelings and irritation. My husband had watched our son when I did work (once in a while) and he would only give him milk- instead of baby food- because it was easier. We have other issues and still have childcare issues, but he's gotten better with our kids as they've gotten older. some other people were giving you a hard time because you SAH, but I can understand where you are coming from. You're husband's attitude is more of the problem than really what he does as far as help goes. I think it's a pretty common issue-especially when babies are that young. Men are sometimes retarded and need LOTS of direction.
Do you guys fight about this a lot? What does he say in response to your comments?


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## DTO

EleGirl said:


> A SAHM who is doing what really needs to be done is working full time and more.


That might be true, but who (except for some hourly / shift jobs) works just F/T hours these days?

Some years back, I had to take some time off and care for both kids while the sitter was addressing some health issues, so I have personal side by side experience of working vs. SAHD.

When working, I was out of the house around 10.5 - 11 hours each day, more if we were busier than usual. Even as a salaried employee I could not have skipped lunch (if work load allowed), because I was expected to be available between certain hours.

When staying home, there were two kids with an age gap. While the older one did not need to be kept out of trouble, the two had different simultaneous needs. Both wanted me around them all the time. That, cooking, cleaning, bathing was all handled - easily - in less time than my FT job.

I think a big factor is the working parent's occupation. Taking care of a given family size will not vary too much, whereas the demands of a job can vary greatly. I think the more financially succesful a family is, the lower any effort gap will be. The working parent will work harder and the family can afford to ease the SAH parent's load (meals out, activities for the kids).

Another factor potentially is the personality / outlook one has. I am naturally a planner and organized, so it was no big deal to cook and then clean as I go, or plan a meal for the oven (does not need to be watched) if I had other tasks to address.


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## Samayouchan

When he was feeding the baby at 10pm, (and possibly at 6am) my son was a newborn that was when I was literally getting up every 2 & 1/2 hours in the middle of the night to feed and pump. 

With that said, up until he was 7 months old, my husband did feed him his last bottle at 9:30pm-10pm. That was his ONLY responsibility for our son. THAT'S IT. He never played with him, he never changed him (unless it was at 10pm feeding). 

Now, currently, an update on what happened. He claimed the next morning that he had just said that to get me out of the room b/c he claimed I was so upset I wouldn't have believed anything he said. He then claims that the reason he chose to pretend to feed our son, was b/c I was worried about my dwindling milk supply. I had at that time taken some Benadryl for a few days for a cold and did not know it would dry up breast milk. He knew that I was stressing out about trying to get my "back up" in freezer full again so he chose to go this route. Turns out, we can skip the 10-pm feed all together b/c its not needed anymore. He swore this was the first and only time he has never fed our son purposely. He didn't want me to think that he was trying to skip out on his responsibilities as a parent, as I've accused him of before. Since this incident, he has played WAY more with our son, jumped on the band wagon, if you will, about if I say, hey so we can leave for dinner faster, can you feed him his bottle (after I've fed him the solids already) so I can pump? He does it without thinking twice. He's even bathed our son with out me asking!!! So, when I read the comments on here, I took the advice and just kept asking and letting him know hey, I need you. I am the sole care taker of our child unless on special occasion I need him to help. Things are better. Our son isn't as demanding. Thank you for the support and suggestions. Turns out this 9 month old baby is a lot easier than the newborn to 7 month old one was LOL. And he's almost walking already! =)


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## Froggi

RandomDude said:


> Agreed
> 
> Still remember in the early years of my past marriage when I was kicked outta bed repeatedly in the middle of the night by my ex to take care of my daughter despite working 84 hours a week in two full-time jobs including personal study.
> 
> No offense, but sometimes I feel as though SAHMs tend to up forgetting what it's like to be in the workforce.



Woo woo he works 40 hours. Plus he would rather lie than say anything.


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## Froggi

I have done both SAHM and WOHM and WHAM.

What is it with men that they think that they are entitled to do nothing but make the money? I have heard so many stories about husbands who just come home and plop on their butts while the wife is run ragged. Then they act all put out, because they wooooorrrrrkkk and wanna relaaaaaax. 

Then, you have the wife who works full time. Same story.

Who raises these cretins? What, did someone tell them their thing will fall off if they actually parent or wash a dish?

Who told them that they deserve to be cleaned up after and waited on because they work?

Geez. I wish I had the luxury of deciding when I want to parent.


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## melw74

RandomDude said:


> Agreed
> 
> Still remember in the early years of my past marriage when I was kicked outta bed repeatedly in the middle of the night by my ex to take care of my daughter despite working 84 hours a week in two full-time jobs including personal study.
> 
> No offense, but sometimes I feel as though SAHMs tend to up forgetting what it's like to be in the workforce.


I agree with you. I understand that when it comes to childcare, both parents need to do their equal share, but saying that.... I do think it should be 

OP, I understand that your husband lying to you about the night feed is really wrong, and i do not agree with him lying at all, but maybe, just maybe.... he felt in his mind it was the best thing to do, maybe he did not know what to do.....???... He did not want to upset you.... Maybe hes really tired after working all the long hours he does...

I know my husband gets really tired, he goes to bed early, and gets up early 3 in the morning, and is out the house most of the day, he comes in spends time with me and the children has his dinner relaxes, then he goes to bed... totally done in......

I spend my day with a boisterous 3 year old, whose into everything, and keep things up and running in the home, and really could not expect my husband to do anymore than he does do, which is..... Financially supporting me, and helping me out when he can with the children.... I take any help hes willing to give.... I understand hes got a full time job to do that takes priority over a lot of things....

I would never dream of kicking my hubby out of bed... I am a sahm.... I just have to accept the way things are, and be grateful with what he does do.


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## ImaginationStation

Oh my god. Some of the responses here are ridiculous. As far as I'm concerned, a baby is 50/50 no matter what the situation with work. She already said she asked for only that much help and took over midnight feelings, waking up with the baby, weekends, etc.? 

I'm also a stay at home mom who took over the bulk of the responsibility to help make it easier on my husband in the earlier stages and I regret it. Stop it. He needs to be doing just as much for that child as you are.

As for the lying, you have every right to be mad. This kind of thing would drive a wedge between any couple I know. You need to stand your ground and let him know this broke your trust and he needs to earn it back.


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## 20yrsofmarriage

I used to think it was all my responsibility to have dinner on the table when he got home from work, a clean house, and I never asked or expected him to get up when our kids were babies. Fast forward about 15 yrs. I went back to work and worked a total of 40-50 hrs a week, and got a new perspective. I was STILL doing it all. He never upped his game. I know that men can't read minds and they won't help unless asked, but if they know you like help, why not just help? Even on the weekends my hubs has to get a nap in, while I'm going to the store, communicating with our kids, cooking etc.

I do know that it's getting more and more common for men to be domesticated now where they share in responsibilities.


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## Sbrown

Deleted post.... no sense beating a dead horse


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