# Cant Let Go



## CheapBison (Jul 8, 2013)

It's been a difficult year. My wife and I got a sudden divorce in March that has turned my whole life upside down. She is 26, and I had just turned 31. Basically, we started having some issues when both of our children were diagnosed with autism. With tantrums, noise, appointments, challenges, etc. we were really tested but through some tough times still loved each other deeply, or so I thought. We began engaging in an open marriage to "spice things up" and it did for a while, until she fell for someone she hooked up with, told me out of nowhere she didnt love me anymore and left me for them. Now, I am stuck seeing her on an almost daily basis as we have joint custody of the children and bounce them back and forth. Not only does she not love me but shows no remorse, no respect, and basically acts like Im dirt. She makes fun of me to others, literally went from telling me I was the only one for her to just betraying all of my trust and hating me. Ive tried to move on so much for the kids, my family, everything. I got back with a girl I dated a long time ago, shes living with me, is good with the kids. I have a new place, try to consume myself with time with her and the kids, and yet no matter what I do I cannot let go with how I feel about my ex. Even though she hates me, I cannot let go of wanting her back and wanting my family back together. It hurts terribly, and I just dont know how I can ever let go. I loved her so much, and just dont understand how she can treat me this way, and dont understand why despite her horrible crap and what she did to our family why I just cant hate her. Has anyone been through anything likes this? Any advice?


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Whoa. Wow. Lots o' stuff here. Biggest red flag that this wasn't going to end well is the open marriage thing. How did that come about? How long were you two together that you already needed to 'spice things up' with people outside your marriage? Had you ever been in any kind of marriage counseling?

How old are your kids? I have a concern that they've gone from their parents living together to being bounced between two homes, and Daddy living with someone new, all since March (we're barely into July now) -- is that accurate? How are things with the new/old gf -- does she know that you still have such strong feelings for your ex? And, btw, are you in any kind of counseling now?

Sorry for all the questions. This is a lot of turmoil for all of you, to be sure.


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## hope4family (Sep 5, 2012)

I hate to put it this way. But you may be up a creak without a paddle at this point. 

You also cant make someone respect you. It has to be earned and enforced and depending how far you bent over on your child custody agreements you may have to spend a lot of money to get it altered to where it works out.


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## CheapBison (Jul 8, 2013)

The open marriage thing came about about a year and a half before we ended. It was not about us having a lack of satisfaction with each other, it was that we both were adventurous and got together really young(she was 18, I was 22 when wet met, together 8 1/2 years) and were desperate to find excitement. With 2 special needs kids, childcare was impossible. No dates. One of us always had to be home for them. We both did things before we were married too, and it wasnt a problem for a while. But of course I get now that she started to associate romance with people outside the home, and the bullcrap of real life with me. She fell out of love with me.

My ex moved straight in with her boyfriend and took the kids around him. It killed me, i thought it was horrible but there was nothing i can do. It was hard to be happy around the kids, being autistic they have no filter so would talk about the guy. I got with my girlfriend to help me feel better, help with the kids, and because shes a wonderful person. She does not know how i feel about my ex, Im hoping that in time I can push away these feelings and emotionally commit to her all the way but its hard. All I want is my family back together, I feel like my wife doesnt appreciate the lifetime commitment that our children will require due to their special needs. I begged her to do marriage counseling or anything when she told me she wanted to leave me. Nothing, no interest. She said she didnt care and was too into this guy. Before this she told me every day how much she loved me, cared, but just turned off all her feelings for me completely. 

I know it is what it is. I guess my question is how do you let go of someone you want so bad when you have to see them all the time. If distance if the most important thing and you cant have it then am i screwed forever? I guess your right in what you say about respect, she has a model 6 years younger then me now to respect more, as at 25 we all understand the world so well. I digress.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Oh, it is difficult, but it can be done. There are some key things I always tell people in your situation, when it's all still fresh, and you feel like your feelings will never change. I know these sound tough right now, but they are the truth. Many of us were where you are now, and we just had to keep clubbing ourselves over the heads with things like these.

-- Realize that you need to really look at her for who she is *right now*. She is someone who cheated, who didn't want to work on things, and who isn't really caring what this is doing to her kids. Do you love that about her?

-- Know that when you told her you were hurting about the break-up, she *chose* to continue it, therefore she chose to hurt you. Do you love that about her? 

I'm sure you can probably think of more 'un-loveable' things about her. Actively do that and make a written list of them. Keep looking at that list when you feel melancholy for her. I'm serious.


The way to end those feelings is to force yourself to detach. It will be difficult since you'll still have contact due to co-parenting, but do your best to minimize contact. Email or text instead of speaking by phone or in person whenever possible. Communicate only about things relating to the kids. 

Otherwise, don't have anything to do with her. Spend this time working on yourself. That's the most important thing right now -- for you and your kids. Focus on getting where you want to be emotionally and psychologically. 

Also, focus on what you really want in a relationship. I am trying not to bring the open marriage issue up in this, but it is extremely difficult to make that work. You might want to rethink that in the future. 

It's important to look ahead to the things you'll need in order to have a successful relationship while parenting your kids. It's damned difficult parenting kids with special needs, I know. Look in your area for support groups for parents of autistic kids. I have multiple friends with autistic children, and the community around them is fantastic. Make new connections in your life. 

You may not be able to put physical distance between you (as in moving to another town), but you can in the way you live your life. Change your routine, explore new interests, etc., to put other things in your mind instead of thoughts of her. It really does take effort. Time does not heal all wounds. Otherwise, there wouldn't be angry, bitter people who never get over past hurts. 

Since you are dealing with the very real issue of kids without filters, I'd suggest doing some searching on the web for message boards for parents of autistic kids. I'm sure there are other people who have dealt with this, and you might find some great ideas. 

A therapist or counselor would probably be a good idea, too. You have a lot on your plate.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You need to stop living with this chick you are dating if you are not over your wife/divorce. It's not fair to her, it's not fair to you and it's obvious you are using her as an emotional crutch to try to get past your anger/pain.

Your feelings are normal. It sucks being betrayed/going through a divorce/and having an ex badmouthing you too.

You have been through a lot.

Limit your time/contact with ex wife to only parenting things. Find yourself. Heal yourself. Don't date til you are ready (you are not and you went from a marriage to living with someone--not good--the same thing your wife did). You are not over your wife yet. So take time to try to heal from all of this by doing healthy things and not having anyone else along for the ride while you figure your stuff out.

You can't control what your ex/does says. If she talks bad about you--so what. Let her. That says more about her than you. Focus on yourself and your kids. Be strong.


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## r0r0bin (Jul 13, 2013)

I'm sorry for you but it's your fault for doing the open marriage and now you feeling lost after your ex left you, a lesson for you about how bad the open marriage.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

So you want a woman who cheats, is mean to you and laughs at you with everyone. Meaning she showes you no respect. That's who you want? 

Put things in perspective. Remember the pain you felt when she betrayed you, when she left you. Do you want to relive that?


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