# Dolldrums. Husband like incest.



## marbec06 (Oct 10, 2011)

Hello, I don't know where this post belongs, but maybe I'm in the right area.
Some general info.
I'm 28, female. He is 30. I am bisexual, but never had the experience. He is open minded about my sexuality. 
Anywhoo, the situation. 
I have been in my relationship with my spouse for 10 years, 5 of them married. We have been brutally honest with each other. 
Recently we have been having issues, money strain, work strain, lack of communication, lack of everyday interaction.
We since then have been talking and for the first time in our relationship we have expressed our true feelings about our relationship.
--We love each other.
--We enjoy each others company at home, going out.
--We like that there is always someone to come home to.
--We both are concerned for each others well being. ie financially, mentally, companionship
--We both think about each other and how we are doing throughout the day.

However...
I see him as my father/brother. :scratchhead:

That doesn't mean that we have never had sex. But I'm the one that initiates it/takes it because I am so desperate. 
Whenever he tries to touch me when I don't initiate it, it feels like incest.
I like cuddling with him.

We have tried to find things to do to help those feelings dissipate, with no avail.

We have talked about divorce, but neither of us wants to divorce. 

For the next few months we are going to 'date' each other and I am going to keep a more open mind regarding my feelings.

That doesn't mean I don't feel lost/awkward.

Thoughts? Comments?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

This isn't about "incest" so your thread topic is EXTREMELY misleading and misplaced.

Tell him how you feel that you don't see him as a romantic partner and figure out what you BOTH need to do to stop that dynamic.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

let me ask flat out, since you brought up the bisexual part...

are you physically attracted to him? if not why?
are other men attractive to you?
is he good in bed, does he do the things you enjoy like foreplay and oral, etc?
do you fantasize about women or men more?
does the way your husband treat you affect your feelings on how sexual he is? (IOW, is he a parental figure always telling you what to do or is he a non-aggressive nice guy?)


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## marbec06 (Oct 10, 2011)

Am I attracted to other men yes. 
I fantasize about women more, I may be wrong, but maybe because I haven't had that experience.

I do want to also state than when I have initiated sex and taken it I have also had it with him as my 'wifely' duties.

He is a parental figure telling me not to do things, what will go wrong, and not wanting to make mistakes.

Good in bed, well, no. Its not that I haven't communicated what makes me feel good, and he doesn't try. I just am not relaxed in bed with him, feeling like he is my relation, that I never am able to enjoy myself. After hes satisfied its a relief to me that its over.


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## marbec06 (Oct 10, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> This isn't about "incest" so your thread topic is EXTREMELY misleading and misplaced.
> 
> Tell him how you feel that you don't see him as a romantic partner and figure out what you BOTH need to do to stop that dynamic.


I'm sorry about the thread topic, I didn't really know to put. What would you name the topic?

I have expressed my feelings to him. He does relate to how it makes me feel uncomfortable. We have decided to date each other again.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

marbec06 said:


> Am I attracted to other men yes.
> I fantasize about women more, I may be wrong, but maybe because I haven't had that experience.
> 
> I do want to also state than when I have initiated sex and taken it I have also had it with him as my 'wifely' duties.
> ...


hmmm...have you had sex with men previously and had satisfying sex with them? Has it always been like this with your husband or was there a time it was fun and satisfying?

to me there's something that's not getting your juices flowing, you have no sexual excitement with your husband in the slightest and thus you're equating your love as paternal. 

it can be a few reasons (or a combination of)-

1) you're more homosexual than you'd care to admit to yourself or the urge to explore with women has taken over your psyche and you've become obsessed with the fantasy to the point that your reality is too banal
2) your husband isn't being sexual enough to you- in which I mean he isn't acting like a lover instead of a parent or guardian. 
3) you're not really in love with your husband and are with him for security and safety
4) you have some sort of hormonal problem and need to get checked out by a doctor


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

marbec06 said:


> Am I attracted to other men yes.
> *I fantasize about women more,*
> 
> *I do want to also state than when I have initiated sex and taken it I have also had it with him as my 'wifely' duties.*


If you think about women more in "that way" is it possible you are a lesbian?

If you think of sex with your husband as a "wifely" duty then that is not good. At all.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

marbec06 said:


> I'm sorry about the thread topic, I didn't really know to put. What would you name the topic?
> .


Doldrums: only feel "fraternal" love for husband


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

also you never answered this-




Almostrecovered said:


> are you *physically* attracted to him? if not why?


I know the mental stuff is tied to physical attraction, but if you saw your husband at a party would you think he was sexually attractive?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

OP--don't sweat the thread topic since you already posted it, it's just that looking at it first I thought this would bea bout "incest." It's not (thankfully). LOL. 

Are you sexually attracted to your husband at all?


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## marbec06 (Oct 10, 2011)

--see at party see him as sexually attractive--no
--I love my husband, but as a friend and companion
--sadisfying sex with other men--no---but I have had many bad forced experiences, not rape but just bad experiences;
--I do look at women but not as much as I do with men. i fantise about the intimate part of men, and the sexual part of women.
--My husband and sex when dating. he was a virgin, i was his first gf ever. I got the rush of seeing how far I could push him sexuallly.

Several times during our dating years, I tried to end the relationship. But I never did because he was a good guy, I never had any 'good' reasons to end the relationship. and how bad i felt for hurting him. 
I will have to go into more detail later about what we figured out why we have truly been married all these years. I have to go to work now , but will be back.
oh btw we have no children, so thankfully that wouldnt be a complication


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I am thinking you're "just not that into your husband." 

So yep, you aren't attracted to him in "that way" and that is no good, doll! 

Staying in a relationship to as not to "hurt" the other person while you are miserable is actually a stupid thing to do. Not to mention it stops opportunities for both of you to be happy. You get stuck together. 

The longer you stay with him, the more you string him along and basically waste his time (and yours).

So, release him. It's only fair. For both of you.


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## rotor (Aug 28, 2010)

To the OP. This stands out to me.



> --sadisfying sex with other men--no---but I have had many bad forced experiences, not rape but just bad experiences;
> --I do look at women but not as much as I do with men. i fantise about the *intimate* part of men, and the *sexual* part of women.


I have a couple of questions.

Do you find that you enjoy intimate non sexual bonding with your husband? IE hand holding, hugging, cuddling, dates?

Additionally in the bedroom do you find things like oral or other acts that can be done with a female partner enjoyable but where things start to fall apart is the actual act of sexual intercourse?

Regards,

rotor


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## marbec06 (Oct 10, 2011)

I enjoy the companionship that my husband and I have. Cuddling, hugging, laying in bed together. We have limited number of common interests together.

We have talked about divorce, however he wants to stay married to me because he would want to take care of me and would be worried about me if I wasn't married to him. sure he would like to have sex with me but if im not that into him thats ok, because its better than the misleading of him thinking that he would get some.
I get very uptight when he touches my breasts and the inside of my thighs. As if he was a male relative of mine. Anything past that is just torture for me. 

yes we both understand that we are both miserable now, but that was before we sat down and discussed how both of us felt, truly felt. We both were going through the boxes of tissues. 
A common truth came out from both of us regarding the reason that we got married. He wanted to take care of me. For me he was the guy that I knew would always stick by me, everyone said 'if i had a daughter I would want her to marry him' he was the safe and secure choice.
Believe me now that I look back I feel like a total user of a good man. But I still love, think about how his day is going, but I dont have any sexual feelings for him.

This friday noon we have a brunch 'date' at the house. he is cooking and im doing the dishes. We are sitting down at the table and talking.

But yea just an overall blender mess.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

marbec06 said:


> --*see at party see him as sexually attractive--no*
> --I love my husband, but as a friend and companion
> -*-sadisfying sex with other men--no---but I have had many bad forced experiences, not rape but just bad experiences;*
> --I do look at women but not as much as I do with men. i fantise about the intimate part of men, and the sexual part of women.
> ...


I really have an inkling that you just don't like penetrative sex by men and not just your husband, whether or not that was born of trauma or just plain genetics is moot. The real issue is that I don't think that will change. There's the old saying of "fake it til you make it" and if you wish to keep trying with your date nights then be my guest, but I really get the feeling it won't help. Far be it from to suggest this as I am basing this on 2 paragraphs of info, but it's the just the way I see it based on what you have said so far.


please clarify your attraction about your husband- was it always like this? Did he gain weight, get wrinkly, go bald, anything that could be changed to make him more attractive to you?


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## marbec06 (Oct 10, 2011)

Penetrative sex with men, I do not have a problem with it. 

As far as attraction to my husband, he really hasn't changed in appearance. Maybe since I view him as a male relation I don't view him sexually attractive.


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## rotor (Aug 28, 2010)

Well that clears that up. Next question. I know it sounds strange but is it possible that you married your father? Perhaps this is where this feeling of familiarity is coming from.

Why you're likely to marry your parent - CNN.com


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Sounds like you don't respect him. He does too much for you and loves you too unconditionally.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## marbec06 (Oct 10, 2011)

rotor: Well how about he has become my father. don't do this, do this, this is going to happen if you do this, ect.
shaggy: ouch, your right.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Buy him a no more mr.nice guy copy, get him to read it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## marbec06 (Oct 10, 2011)

FYI 
My husband has been following this forum topic. I wanted to let everyone know that he may post. I want him to put his side of the issue when he is willing. 
thanks for everyones input!


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## marbec06 (Oct 10, 2011)

I do have another question. 
Since I am bisexual, shouldn't my women friends when I hang out with them also be considered cheating on my husband. I understand that it is a huge issue when I hang out with male friends. I realize that many women are not bisexual, but that doesn't mean I won't fantasize about them.


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## marbec06 (Oct 10, 2011)

hub. here 
she has yet to tell you she has had an affair already. it took place about 4 years ago(found out buy the other guys wife a year after it ended). I forgave her for it and moved on. I grow up in a christian background. there for I don't believe in divorce unless that is the last resort. I don't believe that we have hit that last resort. I thank she has block here mind form thank romantic about me(unconsciously do this). here mother since I have know here will go out with a guy for so many years than just up and leave them with no resin. which her mother has done this here(my wife's) hole life. and her dad is sorta the same way. so this is what she has seen them do. when they get tired of them they leave. she also wants that since of excitement of doing things wrong. that will get here sexually excited (ex. the affair). I do thank you for the comments they are helping me at least. hub.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Dear hub

She seems very selfish. Yes any other person is cheating. I think she is playing you a bit since it seems every other person on earth( man and woman) gets her sexually excited. Except you. 

Frankly that sounds more and more like a twisted lie meant to keep you in place while she cheats every time I say it. 

Maybe it is time for hubby to upgrade to a woman who will find him sexy and who will have him as her fantasy. The OP just comes across as selfish and manipulative. 


Are you sure she isn't currently cheating with someone and her posting on here isn't part of here "I've tried everything" bs?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## marbec06 (Oct 10, 2011)

op here, 
Yes i agree I am selfish and manipulative. The truth his a HUGE pill to swallow. I could have ended like my parents did in their many marriages/ect. But I am willing. No excuses.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

okay marbec, if you say that you enjoy sex with men then I will give up on that subject as I can't read your mind.

But in all seriousness if you have no attraction for your husband, both physically and mentally then I am at a loss. The only way I can forsee you getting out of that rut is to completely break the dynamic of your marriage. IOW- your husband has to stop being your Daddy. We tend to find other people more attractive when our brains get stimulated in either a loving or sexual manner. I honestly believe my wife wouldn't go out of her way if she saw me at a party to just have sex with me if we both were single, yet she adores me and constantly wants sex from me, so the feelings she developed for me has changed her perception of attraction for me. While you love your husband you don't love your husband the way you should.


You both need to break some habits and the way you deal with each other.

And as much as I am not a fan of the whole "alpha male" talk that goes too far on this forum, I truly think that is what's needed here. Your husband has to stop being such a "nice guy". Now that doesn't mean he needs to be an asshat or treat you poorly, but he does need to be more firm and direct and steadfast. You also have to stop looking to him to take care of you and start acting like a lover and not his daughter.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I also recommend that your husband create his own account and start posting in the Men's clubhouse as those guys are very good at helping men be more assertive and "alpha".


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