# I need help with my son



## LostParent

I am in need some advice with my 16 year old son. I am honestly pretty lost with my son, he was recently attacked at school by another student by what was all accounts a gang thing this kid had to attack another stud to get into said gang and he chose my son. And stabbed him multiple times and he spent a few weeks in the hospital and We were lucky to have not lost him. Well he was recovering really well and then his girlfriend broke up with him and he has gone downhill from there. He is gaining a lot of weight sleeping a lot not taking showers I don’t know why his girlfriend broke up with him I do know they still talk a lot and her parents contacted me the other day and just warned me to keep a close eye on my son. I don’t know what to do, I have him in counseling and he is seeing a psychiatrist so I am unsure what else I can do. He is still struggling really badly with pain and nightmares. He won’t talk to me and has no interest in things he used to. His grades are slipping significantly as well. What shoul I do with my son? I don’t know how to make this right or fix this. And no we haven’t switched him out of the school as he was adamantly against it and begged us not to move him from the schools as he didn’t want to be seen as broken and weak. As far as I know the kid that stabbed my son repeatedly is in juvenile detention charged with attempted murder. The prosecution is pressing hard for my son to testify and to give a victims testimony. It is really hard to sleep at night because at night he will have nightmares and let out these blood curdling screams that you can hear clear across the house.


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## Wolfman1968

It sounds to me like he has a variation of PTSD from the attack. 

I think this kind of problem is well above the skill level of the well-meaning amateurs who may give advice here. I think the first most important thing to do is make sure that the counselor/psychiatrist that he sees has expertise in this kind of problem. It's obviously a difficult challenge for even mental health professionals---think of all the PTSD stories you hear about combat veterans, domestic violence victims, rape victims, etc., and how difficult they are to treat. So, I am certainly glad to hear you have arranged for professional help for your son. It just needs to be the right/best help for his particular need.


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## StarFires

Maybe the mods will move this post to another forum. I hope there is someone who can help, but this board is generally not focused for parents with troubled kids. I should think you need a support group or a board more dedicated to that subject matter. This board is mainly about romantic relationships and marriage. I hope you can find something in my google results here. Have you asked the psychiatrist he is seeing? Maybe he can better direct you. Has the doctor given him some meds to help him cope through this difficult time?


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## Penny905

My heart hurts for you and your son. My son has gone through hell of a similar type except it was an accident. They seem alright with their injuries and dealing with everything then the girl pushes him over the edge. They have lost that person that they confide in, laugh and cry with. We as mom's are always there, but we are not the same. Your son needs help. In addition to getting him help, maybe reach out to a few of his friends and see if you can get one to stop by and play a video game this day another friend to go get pizza another day. Your son needs one on one connection with peers, people his own age, not via internet, text or calls. Hopefully you find the help he needs. You are in my thoughts, hope things improve


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## MattMatt

I think in patient treatment might be of benefit.

And you need to remove him from that school no matter what he thinks as it will trigger his PTSD and there's still a potential for safety issues.


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## Spicy

Not sure if this would be helpful, but could he perhaps homeschool the rest of this year, and then enter a new public school nearby next year? Give him a chance to heal without fear? Then get him involved in some volunteer work in your community, maybe a part time job, and if you are religious a church with a lot of kids?


I’m so sorry this happened to him and your family.


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## uhtred

This is way out of my experience, so you have my sympathy, but there is little I can suggest. I assume there is no practical way to get him out of the violent school environment or for him to distance himself from the gangs? I don't know what to do when a child is faced with real serious threats of violence.


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## cc48kel

I'm sorry this happened to him. I know when our kids are hurting, we are hurting also. I would defiantly keep him in counselling for extra support-- such a traumatic event for him. And I would do what others have suggested-- If you know any of his close friends, have them stop by for a while whether it's for pizza or video games. This I believe would help him so he's not in isolation. I would want to protect him and home school him at least till the end of the school year and evaluate then. Take care.


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## sokillme

LostParent said:


> I am in need some advice with my 16 year old son. I am honestly pretty lost with my son, he was recently attacked at school by another student by what was all accounts a gang thing this kid had to attack another stud to get into said gang and he chose my son. And stabbed him multiple times and he spent a few weeks in the hospital and We were lucky to have not lost him. Well he was recovering really well and then his girlfriend broke up with him and he has gone downhill from there. He is gaining a lot of weight sleeping a lot not taking showers I don’t know why his girlfriend broke up with him I do know they still talk a lot and her parents contacted me the other day and just warned me to keep a close eye on my son. I don’t know what to do, I have him in counseling and he is seeing a psychiatrist so I am unsure what else I can do. He is still struggling really badly with pain and nightmares. He won’t talk to me and has no interest in things he used to. His grades are slipping significantly as well. What shoul I do with my son? I don’t know how to make this right or fix this. And no we haven’t switched him out of the school as he was adamantly against it and begged us not to move him from the schools as he didn’t want to be seen as broken and weak. As far as I know the kid that stabbed my son repeatedly is in juvenile detention charged with attempted murder. The prosecution is pressing hard for my son to testify and to give a victims testimony. It is really hard to sleep at night because at night he will have nightmares and let out these blood curdling screams that you can hear clear across the house.


Go sit on your son's bed and tell him you love him. Tell him you need him in your life and if he were to "leave" your life it would kill you too. Tell him you are not leaving and he can talk to you if he wants. Then don't leave. No matter what keep telling him that you love him and you are there because you are worried about him. If he yells, screams or ignores you, just keep telling him you are there because you love him. The best thing you can do is make him KNOW that you love him. If his father is around have him do the same thing. Tell him if he really wants you to leave the he must reassure you by talking to you. If not you are just going to spend time with him for a while because you love him. I am not saying spend all day but keep him company for a little bit. 

You must make him know that even if he wants to be, he is NOT in this alone. You have no intention of allowing him to go through this whole thing alone. You are always going to be their with him because you are his Mother and you are family. Let him lead in his own healing but continue to have his back. 

Can you talk to his ex? She may have more of the story about what happened. There may be more to it then you know. I would not let on that you did this though unless you learn something that you need to be worried about, but this is the kind of thing (life and death) were you need to have as much knowledge as you can. 

Make sure he is seeing someone who specializes in PTSD. Having been through a near death event like this (though I was not hurt just threatened at gun-point) I can tell you it takes a long time to heal. Fear and just the knowledge that you are unsafe is a very hard thing to come to terms with, even though it was always true even before it happened. I am very sorry this happened to him just know it can get better though, it did for me. 

Your son is very brave, you should be proud of him. Tell him this often.


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## Bobby5000

So your son was stabbed, is now depressed, and he wants to stay in the same school. That is f-ing ridiculous. You need to get move and get him to a safe school. His actions dispell the idea he wants to stay.


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## Bobby5000

Do note too, that if he is in the same school, he may face threats from other gang members about his testifying.


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## EleGirl

Your son needs to be his doctor and a therapist. Depression and PTSD are normal reactions to what happened to him. He might need to be on meds for a while until he works through the trauma.

If you cannot afford a therapist, look for a local victims support organization. We have one here that I worked with a few years ago that had funding to provide free therapy for victims of violence. They were especially focused on helping children who are victims. There is most likely a similar place near you.

How long ago did this happen?

Also, you son should not be back in that school. He needs to testify against the kid who tried to kill him. Due to that, he could be in danger from other gang members.


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## aine

I agree with other posters here, he needs specialized help for his PTSD. YOU have to try and open up the communication with him. Does he have some good friends, get them involved in his life on a regular basis. I think he should not go to the same school, he may want to appear tough but going there will only exacerbate the issue.


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## MattMatt

@LostParent How is it going?

I moved your thread to the Family & Parenting Forums.

What country are you in? Some advice other members can give is country specific so that information will be useful to determine what advice to offer you.

Are the police involved?


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## LostParent

Sorry for having not responded sooner have been preoccupied and busy with my son he attempted suicide and is in the hospital again. This all happened back in November and he hasn’t been back in that school since and we are considering moving away but the problem is we live in a small town so If there is gang activity here surly there would be somewhere else. Yes the police are heavily involved as well as the states attorneys and we live in the U.S Matt. He has pulled away from everyone after his ex dumped him and like I said earlier it was just getting drunk and sleeping around but it escalated a few days ago and he sliced his wrists open.


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## EleGirl

I'm sorry to hear that your son has attempted suicide. It's a cry for help. Hopefully he will get the help he needs.

Yes there are gangs in a lot of towns. But if you do move, at least the other kids will not know what happened and he will not have that stigma. I think it's more likely that the gang that went after him would do it again than a gang in a new town since he has no relationship with people in other towns.

Another things that works sometimes is for a kid with issues to go stay with a relative in another town and/or state. I know kids who did this to get away from problems. It worked out well for them... a new beginning.


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## LostParent

I don’t know why he tried to harm himself he has a loving family that cares about him deeply. His ex came by the hospital with her parents she was going to give him something but when she saw him in the icu she just did an about face and left crying. Not to be selfish but I am glad my son didn’t see that. Just really a struggle to see your kid like this and not be able to fix it and take all he pain away for him.


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## Grievinggirl

I am really sorry to hear what is happening with your son. I lost my fiancé to suicide, and I am slowly learning to not blame myself. I know your son only attempted it but try not to blame yourself. These people are amazingly and will be of tremendous help. Good luck.


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## EleGirl

LostParent said:


> I don’t know why he tried to harm himself he has a loving family that cares about him deeply. His ex came by the hospital with her parents she was going to give him something but when she saw him in the icu she just did an about face and left crying. Not to be selfish but I am glad my son didn’t see that. Just really a struggle to see your kid like this and not be able to fix it and take all he pain away for him.


He did it because he is suffering from sever depression. He's in pain that you cannot see. When that happens, all the love you have for him cannot get through. It's not your fault. It's not his fault. It just is. 

I truly hope that your son finds his way out of the pain he's in. 

I agree with you that it's better if he did not see his ex-girlfriend break down. He has enough to deal with right now.

Is he on any kind of antidepressant?


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## WorkingWife

So so sorry to hear this.

I am not an expert but I would definitely talk to his doctors/counselors about this and there is one thing I wonder -- You son says he wants to stay at that school "because he doesn't want to be seen as broken and weak" -- but if he leaves that school, he won't be there any more. So he won't be subjected to what any of the people there think of him. 

Of course the truth is, at that age, they won't be thinking about him once he is gone. Out of sight, out of mind. And hopefully it will work the same for him. We adults all know how insignificant those kids will end up being in his life, but they feel like the whole world to him at this age.

If he doesn't have positive reasons for wanting to say - because he has friendships he values, or likes going to that school, etc. then my instinct is he should stop going there. But talk to his Drs. and if you're not comfortable with their expertise/concern, get additional consultations.

I am sure he has PTSD and that may take years but he can heal from it. Professional help is key. If you can, keep reminding him that the way he feels today is not the way he will always feel.

Get some kind of monitoring on his computer/devices -- make sure he's not being further harassed via social media. 

I agree with whoever said to talk to the girlfriend. She broke up with him but still talks to him a lot. And she told you to watch him. There is more to this story. She wants to talk. Take her to lunch and tell her how worried you are and how anything she tells you will never be revealed but you don't want to lose your son and she is the only person in her unique position to help...

And again, talk to the drs... Good luck Mom. ♥



LostParent said:


> I am in need some advice with my 16 year old son. I am honestly pretty lost with my son, he was recently attacked at school by another student by what was all accounts a gang thing this kid had to attack another stud to get into said gang and he chose my son. And stabbed him multiple times and he spent a few weeks in the hospital and We were lucky to have not lost him. Well he was recovering really well and then his girlfriend broke up with him and he has gone downhill from there. He is gaining a lot of weight sleeping a lot not taking showers I don’t know why his girlfriend broke up with him I do know they still talk a lot and her parents contacted me the other day and just warned me to keep a close eye on my son. I don’t know what to do, I have him in counseling and he is seeing a psychiatrist so I am unsure what else I can do. He is still struggling really badly with pain and nightmares. He won’t talk to me and has no interest in things he used to. His grades are slipping significantly as well. What shoul I do with my son? I don’t know how to make this right or fix this. And no we haven’t switched him out of the school as he was adamantly against it and begged us not to move him from the schools as he didn’t want to be seen as broken and weak. As far as I know the kid that stabbed my son repeatedly is in juvenile detention charged with attempted murder. The prosecution is pressing hard for my son to testify and to give a victims testimony. It is really hard to sleep at night because at night he will have nightmares and let out these blood curdling screams that you can hear clear across the house.


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## LostParent

They are trying to ween him off of his pain meds because they feel like that contributed to this entire situation and might have had some bad side effects. But I feel like yanking him off of the pain meds will just put him into unnecessary pain and just further tank his mood. I was able to sit down with his ex girlfriend today and found that she is apparently pregnant and the reason she broke up with him is because they were napping together when I guess he had a nightmare she tried waking up he woke up and freaked out on her and attempted to strangle her and that freaked her out and she broke up with him. But she still cares and loves him she hasn’t told him she is pregnant because she didn’t want to add onto what he is going through. Her parents knew everything but wasn’t going to let us know anything until we got our son a tad bit more evened out.


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## EleGirl

I feel bad asking this, but think I need to so that I can understand some about the meds issue. How did you son try to kill himself? Did he try to OD on the meds or other drugs?

What he did in attacking her up being woken is not unusual for PTSD. My father was on the Bataan Death March and then in a Japanese Prison Camp for about 3.5 years during WWII. He had some horrific experiences there that led to him having issues with being woken up. My siblings and I learned quickly to be very careful when waking him up. We'd use a broom stick to poke him if we had to wake him up. That way were could run off if he startled and had an episode. So i get what you son did when woken.

His girlfriend needs to tell him the truth. He needs to face reality. And he needs to know that she cares for him and that he needs to get help if he wants her and the baby in his life. That might give him the insentive that he needs.


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## sokillme

LostParent said:


> They are trying to ween him off of his pain meds because they feel like that contributed to this entire situation and might have had some bad side effects. But I feel like yanking him off of the pain meds will just put him into unnecessary pain and just further tank his mood. I was able to sit down with his ex girlfriend today and found that she is apparently pregnant and the reason she broke up with him is because they were napping together when I guess he had a nightmare she tried waking up he woke up and freaked out on her and attempted to strangle her and that freaked her out and she broke up with him. But she still cares and loves him she hasn’t told him she is pregnant because she didn’t want to add onto what he is going through. Her parents knew everything but wasn’t going to let us know anything until we got our son a tad bit more evened out.


Ele's advice is very good. I think you should try to get some information about PTSD (books), and after you feel comfortable with it you should also give it to this girl and maybe even her parents. As someone who went through it (to the point of almost disassociating) I can tell you, you are not in your right mind. But time will heal him. It just does. This is the very early stages. Continue to watch over him, and love him. 

Did his girlfriend say anything else about the attack? Does she concur that this was a gang initiation?


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## LostParent

No, drugs played no part in his attempt. At least they don’t think so right now he used a razor blade and slit his wrists Ele, I asked his ex if she would please tell him everything that she told me because it would actually help him at least I think so. And yes his girlfriend believes it was a gang attack but isn’t sure why since we aren’t even from that way of life. His girlfriend asked to doctors today and they let her know that what happened wasn’t her fault or his, it was his ptsd and depression. She actually witnessed the attack but she hasn’t ever really opened up about it all with us. Now if we could just get my son to actually open up.


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## EleGirl

LostParent said:


> No, drugs played no part in his attempt. At least they don’t think so right now he used a razor blade and slit his wrists Ele, I asked his ex if she would please tell him everything that she told me because it would actually help him at least I think so. And yes his girlfriend believes it was a gang attack but isn’t sure why since we aren’t even from that way of life. His girlfriend asked to doctors today and they let her know that what happened wasn’t her fault or his, it was his ptsd and depression. She actually witnessed the attack but she hasn’t ever really opened up about it all with us. Now if we could just get my son to actually open up.


Often times, gangs will tell a new member to do something to someone who is not in the gang. That way it does not cause a problem between rival gangs and the new member can prove that they will do anything for the gang. Add to that the fact that some high school kids can do awful things.

What your son went through is awful. Hopefully he and his girlfriend will get to the point sooner than later when they can tell you more details of what happened. They probably don't feel safe talking right now.


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## LostParent

His doctors don’t feel inpatient treatment would be effective with my son and so after he gets well enough to leave he hospital they are going to release him to go back home. My husband and I informed him that he isn’t going back to that school because it is for his own safety and healing. He did not take that well but it is for his own good nothing good can come from him going back. Normally I would be really disappointed and unhappy that he got his girlfriend pregnant but that just feels so insignificant with everything else that is going on. His girlfriend has come by every day so far and just sat with him she hasn’t told him about the pregnancy. But the are back together apparently, which is probably for the best since my son was doing pretty well unsheathe has broken up with him. Just not sure once a week counseling sessions and every other week sessions with his psychiatrist are enough after he did just try and kill him self. Incredibly unsure how to keep him safe at home after this. Just feeling like a failure as a mother that I cannot protect my son even at home.


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## EleGirl

I'm not surprised that they will be sending him home. That's the norm these days in all but the very worse cases.

Will you be able to home school your son, or will be take classes remotely for a while?


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## Oceania

LostParent said:


> Just feeling like a failure as a mother


When you are doing everything you can think of to protect your child...in my book, you are not a failure.


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## LostParent

Yes we are going to be home schooling him so w at least know he won’t be attacked again. Hopefully we are also able to get him talking to his counselor as well as us because so far he won’t really open up to us about ho he is feeling only person he will talk to has been his girlfriend.i honestly baffles me that they are willing o just and him home after he tried to kill himself just doesn’t make sense to me.


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## EleGirl

LostParent said:


> Yes we are going to be home schooling him so w at least know he won’t be attacked again. Hopefully we are also able to get him talking to his counselor as well as us because so far he won’t really open up to us about ho he is feeling only person he will talk to has been his girlfriend.i honestly baffles me that they are willing o just and him home after he tried to kill himself just doesn’t make sense to me.


Was he in a hospital, not a mental health facility? Hospitals try to get people out of there as quickly as possible due to 2 reasons: 1) insurance companies push to keep the fees they have to pay low and 2) the best place to catch a deadly bug and die is in the hospital.

Mental health facilities push to get people out quickly because the insurance companies pay as little as possible. Plus we have laws that prevent holding anyone in a mental health facility more than a few days.

That's how it works.

Are they putting your son on anti-depressants?


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## sunsetmist

Most school districts offer 'homebound' schooling if doctor prescribes, is this what y'all are doing? It meets all legal requirements and district provides teachers.

As @EleGirl and others said, this attack was likely part of an initiation and your son was not targeted for himself. He still does not need to return to this school and he is too immature to make this type decision.

If girlfriend doesn't tell him about pregnancy soon, he is going to wonder why now that he is being released from hospital. Ask for and follow professional's advice on what precautions, etc. you need to be following with your son. There will be a fine line between hovering and what is best.

Your love for him is evident and so important in his healing.


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## LostParent

He has been in a regular hospital and we asked the doctors to transfer him into an inpatient facility but they said it wasn’t necessary.i don’t know how they can say such a thing after knowing what he attempted and what he has gone through. And yes he is going to be home bound the rest of the way. Thankfully only a few more months of school to get him through and then we can focus 100% on his healing. His girlfriend told him tonight he didn’t really react not really sure what to think, I asked his doctors and they said he is processing so much right now that it is normal that he wouldn’t respond like you would normally expect. Although he did start to have a panic attack and start crying when his girlfriend had to leave. Yes he is on antidepressants as well as anti anxiety meds. They are expecting to let him go home on Monday assuming he keeps progressing as his doctors expect.


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## EleGirl

You would have to get a court order to get him into an inpatient facility. To do that you would need his doctors to say that it was necessary or to have something that would convince a judge that it was necessary.

I'm not sure if there are other facilities that you could put him into for extended care, but you would probably have to pay for that out of pocket.

He will probably actually do better at home since it's a more personal environment with people who love him.


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## Oldtimer

I feel bad for you and your son and I too believe he is suffering from some form of ptsd. He is in a situation where he has been traumatized by the stabbing which will be compounded by his gfs pregnancy. 

I was a year older when my high school gf became pregnant and I wish there was a forum like this I could have turned to.

I’ve worked in the helping field for 38 years and have dealt with kids who have suffered the bullying. May I suggest that once the medical issues have been dealt with, that you try and find a mentor who may have gone through the same type of issues as your son? 

The other thing is to never consider yourself as a “ bad “ parent, you are taking all steps you need to help your son, I agree with sokillme in that you and hubby tell him you love him and that he is brave in going through such a traumatic event. I also want to tell you that you are brave in having to deal with it all as a loving parent.

Hang in there and keep it up.

Prayers for you and your family.


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## EleGirl

@LostParent

Something just came to mind.

One of the major contributors to PTSD is that the person feels that they have no power to prevent the horrible event from happening again. One of the things that probably contributes the most to your son's current state of mine is the feeling that he's victim, it can happen again, and there is nothing he could do if it does happen again.

Giving him something to help him build this confidence and to help him learn to protect themself in the future can be a great help.

When we were in high school, 9th grade, one of my brothers who is 1 year younger than me had some very bad/scary things happen to him. Basically he had a couple incidents in which some men tried to abduct him. It got to the point where my brother was afraid to go out. We were living in a big city that had the kind of crime one would expect in a big city.

My father signed my brother up for karate lessons. He became a black belt. 

Right after high school, he was out at night and attacked by a group that tried to kill him... they had knives. My brother was able to disarm them and to get way. They guys were arrested and went to prison.

Maybe your son would benefit from learning how to protect himself. Martial arts are a very good way to learn that. One of the main points about martial arts is that they teach a person not only how to protect themself and others, but they also teach self discipline. They teach how to avoid a fight, now to do only the what is needed to not be a victim and get away.

If you do this, you need to interview the marital arts school to make sure its one the emphasizes self control and discipline.


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## LostParent

I will give it a try I mean I would try anything to get him out of this state of mind he has been in. He was on the football and baseball teams at school but he has completely lost interest in those, I would be happy just to get him to start eating again as he recently just eats maybe one or two bites or something and be finished with it. Also would be happy if we could get him from sleeping close to fourteen to eighteen hours a day. It is just honestly a struggle the only person he will remotely interact with is the girlfriend, except for today he didn’t at all but she still laid on the hospital bed with him for hours just to be with him. I donT know if it’s completely healthy for them two to be like this but they are developing an insuperable bond. How do I get my son back? The kid that played baseball and volunteered feeding the homeless and would just give you ththe shirt off of his back. And I am honestly scared that kid is forever gone.


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## sunsetmist

You will have a different son now. It is important that he become a survivor, not a victim. His strong foundation will be important in his fight to recover. Martial arts training is a great idea. Time will be y'all's friend and there will be roller coaster emotions and levels of improvement. He could have been killed. There is a reason that he lived. He must seek purpose from that. Do you have any religious beliefs?


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## EleGirl

Talk to his girlfriend and tell her that she could be a great help now to get him more active. She might be able to get him to get up, go for walks, etc.

Her sleeping with him in the hospital can be very counter productive.

I also worry about her. This is a lot for a young girl who is also pregnant to have to deal with.

If he is just starting antidepressants, they might make him sleep a lot at first. Sometimes this lasts from 2 weeks to 2 months depending on the meds. Talk to his doctor about the amount he's sleeping.


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## LostParent

Counter productive how? And yes he is just starting all of these meds, so I get that they are probably making him sleep as much as he is but he was sleeping like that at home as well so that’s why I am concerned. I am worried about her as well this is a lot for anyone to deal with just not sure separating them would be for he best either. I will have to ask his therapist what she thinks about all of this. Like today the nurses had to walk him up at 2pm to take his blood and try and also get him to eat something and he lost it on them and the only person that could ge him to calm down was his girlfriend.


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## EleGirl

LostParent said:


> Counter productive how? And yes he is just starting all of these meds, so I get that they are probably making him sleep as much as he is but he was sleeping like that at home as well so that’s why I am concerned. I am worried about her as well this is a lot for anyone to deal with just not sure separating them would be for he best either. I will have to ask his therapist what she thinks about all of this. Like today the nurses had to walk him up at 2pm to take his blood and try and also get him to eat something and he lost it on them and the only person that could ge him to calm down was his girlfriend.


Her sleeping, instead of encouraging him to be active, could be counter productive. He needs encouragement to do things.

Talking to his therapist about this is a good idea.


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## sokillme

LostParent said:


> I will give it a try I mean I would try anything to get him out of this state of mind he has been in. He was on the football and baseball teams at school but he has completely lost interest in those, I would be happy just to get him to start eating again as he recently just eats maybe one or two bites or something and be finished with it. Also would be happy if we could get him from sleeping close to fourteen to eighteen hours a day. It is just honestly a struggle the only person he will remotely interact with is the girlfriend, except for today he didn’t at all but she still laid on the hospital bed with him for hours just to be with him. I donT know if it’s completely healthy for them two to be like this but they are developing an insuperable bond. How do I get my son back? The kid that played baseball and volunteered feeding the homeless and would just give you ththe shirt off of his back. And I am honestly scared that kid is forever gone.


Time, time will help. The best you can do is tell him you love him. He needs to have stake in you. Let him know he does. So if he thinks of giving up there will be more to live for then himself.


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## sokillme

sunsetmist said:


> You will have a different son now. It is important that he become a survivor, not a victim. His strong foundation will be important in his fight to recover. Martial arts training is a great idea. Time will be y'all's friend and there will be roller coaster emotions and levels of improvement. He could have been killed. There is a reason that he lived. He must seek purpose from that. Do you have any religious beliefs?


I agree with this, having been through similar I can say one of the big things you feel is the loss of safety and agency in your life. It helps to take that back by doing stuff like you mention.


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## LostParent

Sorry I didn’t really think about that being counterproductive but you are right but I don’t think there is any harm in it while he is in the hospital as they don’t really want him super active in here. But they did confirm they are sending him home tomorrow. They want him to see his psychiatrist at the very least once a week until they can get his medications evened out. I don’t know what to do with my son honestly he doesn’t talk to me or his dad or his siblings at all lately and I can tell he feels guilty on top of everything else.


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## EleGirl

Right now you might just want to focus on things that need to be done. For example, if you are going to homeschool him, you will need to set this up and he's old enough to help you do that.

Things like going for daily walk would be good too.

Does he have chores that he does?


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## LostParent

I have been in contact with the school district for homebound school and his doctors at the hospital faxed over the orders so now hopefully I will hear something about it tomorrow. He usually has a chores list but we have backed off of it as of late because of his healing from the stab wounds ext. I did pull his girlfriend aside and asked her when he gets home if she would encourage him to do something outside rather it be going for a walk or going for a swim in the pool just get him active and not let him just sleep all the time. She said she would try her best but she has been struggling just to get him to talk to her and to stay awake and carry on conversations with her.


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## EleGirl

LostParent said:


> I have been in contact with the school district for homebound school and his doctors at the hospital faxed over the orders so now hopefully I will hear something about it tomorrow. He usually has a chores list but we have backed off of it as of late because of his healing from the stab wounds ext. I did pull his girlfriend aside and asked her when he gets home if she would encourage him to do something outside rather it be going for a walk or going for a swim in the pool just get him active and not let him just sleep all the time. She said she would try her best but she has been struggling just to get him to talk to her and to stay awake and carry on conversations with her.


Hopefully being at home will give him more incentive to be active. From experience, it's easy to get bed-bound in a hospital. 

You are just going to have to take it one day at a time.


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## LostParent

So today was a very long day, but we did get to bring him home today he just went to his room and crawled up and just starting cry. I went in and tried to comfort him but I just made it worse and I don’t even know what to do in all honesty. His girlfriend dropped by and actually got him to talk to her and stopped crying and then they went for a walk for a good thirty minutes. How do you get someone to eat when they just refuse, tried to get him to eat dinner and he just kept telling me he wasn’t hungry. It wasn’t an issue at the hospital since he was hooked up to an IV. But now it is definitely concerning.


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## EleGirl

Have you asked him what he will eat? Sometimes people who are depressed want a lot of sweet things as they increase some feel-good hormones. 

When my kids were little, I'd give them what I called ice cream for lunch. They thought it was great. But it actually was yogurt and fruit blended with some ice to make it look like ice cream. It was really good food.


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## LostParent

I asked him what he would want I told him I would make anything or go get him anything he wanted but he still said he wasn’t hungry. He got more depressed once his girlfriend had to go home. I asked him what they were planning on doing about the pregnancy/baby but he didn’t respond to me. It is like having a shell of my son. I don’t know why he won’t talk to me.


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## LostParent

Took him to see his counselor today and she explained to me after their session that he isn’t opening up to her anymore and she is concerned with his mental state. And just to keep a close eye on him. She also explained that if I can’t start getting him to eat soon then I might need to see about getting him committed. Then had to take him to see the psychiatrist and he adjusted my sons medications, he said this isn’t going to be an easy or quick process. Which I totally understand. My sons girlfriend parents want to come by on Friday to discuss the baby and what we ar going to do about that.


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## sunsetmist

Don't think your son is in any shape to make important decisions now. His doctors would likely give creedence to that--ask. Pressure could truly be detrimental or freeing.


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## LostParent

He isn’t and wasn’t in any shape to make important decisions but her parents more then insisted. But they came over and things definitely got heated and I guess they are going to attempt to try and raise this baby. My son seems to be doing slightly better he has been exercising with his girlfriend and has been slowly starting to talk to me again and has actually told me when he is feeling so depressed that he feels unsafe alone. So I suppose progress is being made.


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## EleGirl

Glad to hear that things are starting to get better, even if in small steps.

If she is going to keep the baby, your son will me involved. For a while you probably will be too.

Make sure to get a DNA test before your son takes responsibility as a parent. Don't know if you are aware, but paternal DNA testing can now be done using a blood sample from the mother starting pretty early in pregnancy.


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## turnera

LostParent, I certainly don't have experience in this particular thing, but I've seen a lot of success with depressed or tortured people who get involved in something, like a hobby or skill or something - something to focus their mind on, even for short bits of time, and something through which they can feel they have accomplished something. Even something as simple as building a birdhouse or fixing a broken lock or learning how to paint. Do you think you could suss out some sorts of interests he may have? Maybe sign the two of you up for doing something? Maybe volunteer at your local dog shelter to walk their dogs?


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