# I think I jumped too soon.



## TheWhiteRabbit (Oct 4, 2011)

There is going to be a lot of background.

First off, I haven't reached the first year of my common law marriage and I feel like I'm on my last leg. My husband (25) and I (23) have a 16 month old daughter together who came about from not using proper protection. I had just gotten out of a 5 yr relationship with a friend of my husband's friend. I had cheated on my ex with my husband before we had gotten together. It was about 2 months into our relationship that we broke up for a week, and a few weeks later I found out I was pregnant. I told him the night I found out and without even talking about it, he wanted to abort her. We continued to be together. The options boiled down to him wanting her adopted and I wanted to keep her. For the 6 months of prenatal appointments that I had, he went to every one, though he hadn't accepted her yet. I felt like I wouldn't be able to survive as a single mother and wanted him to be involved. A month before she was born he told me that he wanted to be a dad and not just a father. (Side note: He may have another child but hasn't done a paternity test)

For the first 3 months of our daughter's life I lived with my brother in our old house, I spent a lot of time at my mother's just for support and to have someone there. My husband would claim that he wanted to spend more time with our daughter, but actions never backed up his words. When he did come over, it was after she was asleep. On nights he slept over, he wouldn't wake up till an hour before he had to got to work in the afternoon. I was the only one who woke up when our daughter did, I did all the work when it came to her. I thought the solution to this would be to have him move in. I pressed him to do so, because I wanted it and he had stated similar things, primarily to seeing his daughter more. He moved in, he spent his free time on the computer or game consoles. I got fed up with it. We had a few huge fights about it, and he finally started steeping it up. It started with changing diapers when I asked him to, then waking up a few hours earlier, then feeding at least one meal a day, each steep up had to have a fight for him to act on his words. While we were still in just a committed relationship he had an emotional affair with a friend/co-worker's fiance for I don't know how long before I caught him. As far as I can tell he's stopped since I confronted him and his apology seemed sincere. The only reason he could think of why he did it was "I wanted chaos/drama in my life". I still haven't forgiven him.

We talked on and off about possible marriage months after the incident. Most of the time I was unsure (partly due to both of us coming from broken marriages of our parents), some days I was a dreamer. I live in Colorado where they have common law marriage. Tax season comes up, talk about {common law} marriage increases. On a dreamer day, we decide to file our taxes jointly which fulfills the common law marriage. At first ti felt like nothing changed, then the subject of getting rings comes up. I was torn about even wanting to get them, he was adamant about it. I gave in. A constant issue that I've had this entire time is about the state of the house that we live in. I don't want everything sparkling, but I want counters and floors clean of "stuff" which my brother (who lives in the same house as us) and my husband just can't grasp. It messes with my mental state when the house is trashed. I've exhausted my resources to fix this issue, and I'm tired of huge fights (after talking numerous times) to get actions to follow their/his words. 

For the last few months I've doubted my choices in getting common law. One of the few times my husband and I have talked more than "how's the weather" and our daughter, I brought up the idea that if Colorado didn't have common law, where we had to go in front of a judge at least, that we wouldn't have gotten married. He agreed. I just don't feel like it's going to work out between us. I'm looking for some advice on what I should do, I feel like I want out before it drags on much longer. Marriage counselling is already on the list, it's just finding time for it. 

There is more information/backgroun, if needed , ask.

Something else I should add is, I come from an alcoholic borderline mother who has nerve damage and a co-dependent father who were married for 19 years. I show strong co-dependency as well.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Sorry, leave and get counseling for your issues, infidelity is a deal breaker while married. And if your boyfriend knows this he just seen you as a FWB, Why in the world would you pressure him he told you he didn't want the child. 

And I am glad you had her now just learn to do it on your own. I may sound rough but there's probably no way he be in it for the long haul you will just have wasted years of your life. 😖


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

OP: October 4, 2011


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