# Spouse‘s mental health



## Electric Prune (Aug 11, 2020)

Anyone have any experience of being with a long term partner who suffers from poor mental health (in my case anxiety and depression) and how best to support this? My wife can be cheery and fun-loving but at other times very low. I feel like I try everything (talking, cuddling, doing more household chores) but to little avail.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

My wife is currently on her 5th stay in a psych ward so I'm guessing I qualify on having a spouse with poor mental health.

You cannot cuddle away mental illness, unfortunately. Don't stop doing those things obviously but get rid of the expectations. Having those expectations will lead to resentment, if it hasn't already.

Is your wife in therapy and/or taking medication(s)? If she isn't, then you need to encourage her to do so and support her through it. If she is and she's still struggling her medications and/or therapy may need adjusting.

If she refusing to see a therapist or talk to her doctor then things aren't looking great. If she won't own her illness then divorce is likely, at some point.

You should be in therapy as well. It's important for you to have that outlet.

You should ask your wife what she needs from you. Marriage counseling can help with that. For example maybe she needs you to take the initiative or do things certain ways.

One last thing... Sometimes people with mental illness don't want to be talked to, they want to be listened to. They want to say what's going on in their head without anyone trying to tell them they are wrong or trying to correct them. Basically, zip your mouth shut and let her talk about what she's feeling. When she's done thank her for being open with you and that's it.

Sorry that's so scattered.


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## Electric Prune (Aug 11, 2020)

bobert said:


> My wife is currently on her 5th stay in a psych ward so I'm guessing I qualify on having a spouse with poor mental health.
> 
> You cannot cuddle away mental illness, unfortunately. Don't stop doing those things obviously but get rid of the expectations. Having those expectations will lead to resentment, if it hasn't already.
> 
> ...


Thanks, that’s really helpful


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Not a spouse, but a brother, which I understand is different.

The single most important thing for YOU is to remember that you are neither the cause nor the cure for you spouse's condition. If you can learn to enjoy them in the good times, but not to try to take responsibility for the inevitable fall and recovery (type II bipolar, in this case), then you will be much more able to dissociate from something that you cannot control. 

I could write a whole lot more words, but they would all boil down to the above.


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## scotian89 (Nov 19, 2020)

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I am going through something similar with my husband. 

We had an amazing relationship for 5 years and then once our son was born his mental health was on a rapid decline (as was mine due to post partum). He recently got diagnosed with OCD Personality Traits as well as Generalized Anxiety. I guess now because he knows what he is going through he is finding that his therapy is more helpful but I on the other hand am struggling substantially.

I tried for so long to take all of the day to day burden off of his shoulders so he could focus on "getting better", but something would set him off and it would be a loud and sometimes violent spiral to the bottom. 
We mutually separated a month ago with the kids after another one of his episodes where he started to throw garbage at me in front of his daughter (my step daughter). Ever since I left it has been harder but worth it. 

I guess what I'm saying is you are doing all of the right things, you are being there for her when she needs. Let her talk and listen to her without judgment. If she is willing to see a therapist or at least start with couples counseling, it may give you both great insight on how the other feels. Please remember to reach out to someone if you are struggling...because you can't help anyone if you are lost yourself


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