# Seperation with wife



## detj2009 (Sep 26, 2013)

Here's the deal I am currently in a separation with my wife of 5 years. She is Canadian and decided to move back to Canada I am in a border state and within an hour drive. It was not a separation that I wanted but am trying my best to deal with it. I have never been in this situation before and looking for advice on how to handle it. She tells my she needs space and time when I am not around but we still spend weekends together and occasionally during the week a day or 2. She keeps telling me I am pushing to hard to make things work and I just need to take each day 1 at a time and just focus on the positives in our relationship. Am I being to demanding when I tell her I need to know what she wants or should I just be giving her the space and time she needs to figure things out.


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

We need more details.

What led to the separation?

Do you have kids?

Is she having an affair?

Are you financially supporting her?

Have you consulted with an attorney to educate yourself on the divorce laws in your State?


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## Jntrs (Feb 13, 2013)

the best way, do the 180, regardless of the reason behind this, the more you beg the further you push her away from you, no contact, and focus on yourself, i know not easy to do, but its better to expect the unexpected


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

How long have you been separated? And besides informing yourself of the divorce laws in your state, I'd recommend getting informed of divorce laws in her province, as well as any international implications. My first thought was that she's establishing residency in Canada because it's better for her post-divorce. But that could just be cynical me...

C
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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

How do I get my WAW to move to another country?

Sorry DETJ, I could not help myself.

Cake Eater Alert. Your WAW is getting all of the positives she wants from you without the fulltime committment.

If you don't feel like a doormat, you should.

Start moving on, using the 180 as your guide.

Prepare for your new life,
Stretch


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## detj2009 (Sep 26, 2013)

We have been married for 5 years. We have 4 kids. When the original separation came it was her wanting to leave and end things. We talked for a while and decided that we wanted to try to work things out. I am not supporting her at all. I pay and take care of my bills and expenses here and she takes care of hers and she refuses to let me help right now. I am very certain that she is not seeing anyone else and focuses all of her energy on the kids. What she is telling me is she just needs some time and space because when we are together a lot of times we spend most of it arguing. I am having a very hard time being away from my family and she says she is too but she is very reserved and doesn't show much emotion right now. She says she just wants to try to focus on positive things and just see where things go no labels or commitments.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Does she have the kids with her? If yes, I'm sticking with my guess. She's establishing residency in Canada while pretending to work things out. When the time is right, she'll file for divorce in Canada, so she can continue to live there with the kids. If she filed while you guys were residing in the states, she wouldn't be able to move the kids to canada without your approval. 

Again, I could very well just be cynical. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You still haven't said how long you've been separated...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## detj2009 (Sep 26, 2013)

We have been going through this since may. She is not trying to establish residency in canada she is already a canadian citizen. What she is telling me is she just wants some time to work things out in her head. We still have a good relationship most of the time we still have a sexual relationship when we are not fighting. I am trying to figure out if I am pushing to hard. I want more right now and she wants me to give her some space. When I am not there with them I call a lot and text a lot and she is telling me its to much. I am lost when I am not there with them and I am worried that I am just pushing her away by being to clingy.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I'm not saying she's establishing residency in Canada for citizenship or immigration. But you can only file for a divorce in a Canadian province after you've lived there for one year. Even a Canadian citizen who's lived in Canada all their life must abide by that rule.

C
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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Women aren't attracted to clingy needy men.


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## Zomb (Aug 12, 2013)

First, if you agree with the separation then establish some boundaries so the separation does not do worst than good -e.g. no dating. Be clear in telling her that you want to reconcile and work in the marriage, but BACK OFF a bit. Let her anger and desperation to fade away. Do not call her. Let her do the contact. But when she contacts you try to be cool and collected. Do not be a dormant, as Conrad said women do not like clingy and needy man. If she is not having an affair (which I wouldn’t discard), there might be some needs of her that you were not fulfilling, you have to find out which those needs are. Read some books to guide your reasoning in this process. There are many of them: "The 5 languages of love" or "Crumbling Commitment" can be a good start. And what I think is the most important, work on yourself to be prepare (physically and emotionally) for the worst. Maybe reconciliation will never happen, but that does not mean that your life is over.


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## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

detj2009 said:


> What she is telling me is....


A very wise member of this forum pulled me up on this when I kept saying that "She said this, she said that" about my wife - and I didn't want to believe what he said, but it's true. She's stringing you along to alleviate her guilt, and keep you as a back-up plan should her new plans, whatever they may be, fail.

Words mean nothing. Look to her actions.

She also made a promise to spend her life with you, how's that working out? Words mean nothing.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Read Bagdon's thread. You will have to craft your own version. The 180 is most effective the first time. Make sure you work on yourself so that you do not waste your possible gain from the 180. 

Do you have contact with children that is independent of your wife? They sound too young.

You should see them regularly withou your wife so that your relationship to them is not too damaged. If you go, do not go into the house, pick them up and go to the local pool. Have a great dinner out with them. Camp out at motel. The next day go to the zoo. Go to a nice cafe where you can read stories to them.

Be the independent. Do not expect affirmation from her. She may already be dating Canadians. If you divorce, can you work in Canada?

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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

When a woman says she need time and space, she is really trying to tell you that she is done. My experience is that women try to say mean things in a very nice way so as not to upset you. Men take this as they have a chance, when in fact they do not.



PBear said:


> Does she have the kids with her? If yes, I'm sticking with my guess. She's establishing residency in Canada while pretending to work things out. When the time is right, she'll file for divorce in Canada, so she can continue to live there with the kids. If she filed while you guys were residing in the states, she wouldn't be able to move the kids to canada without your approval.


Don't miss the forest for the trees. I agree with PB, my guess is that she is waiting the required time to file in Canada. Unless you want your stbx to have full custody and you have limited time with your children, I suggest that you take immediate action to get your kids back into the US. 

You have no formal agreement (right?) so you have every right to bring them back to the marital home as you are both still married parents. I would play it off that you want to take the kids for a drive in the country to give her some free time on the weekend. Then continue on to your home in the US. Then immediately file for divorce, requesting exclusive use of the marital home and full custody of the kids. But that is just me.

I would caution that you research Canadian law with regards to minors & marriage, just to be on the safe side.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

The established domicile of your children could be a major legal issue. What is on paper?

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## MSC71 (Aug 1, 2012)

Yes. The person who files first has an advantage. ....dont let wishful thinking mess that up like I did. Trust me. There are lots of us here who have been through this and we do not want you to make the same mistakes. Now is the time to be selfish and take the offensive. ...trust me.


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