# Can Seperation help a marriage recover?



## Pinkk (Nov 23, 2012)

I have been with my husband for 7 years. We have 3 kids together. The last week we have argued all day and night. He feels like I dont love him, which i do. But he says I dont show him and its been like this for years. That I dont always want to be touched and that he is depressed everyday. I tell him how I feel a bunch of times and that I do want him but he thinks I am just saying that cause i dont show it often. I am sooo frustrated. He didnt want a separation or divorce cause the kids but yesterday night he said he wanted a divorce. I asked why and he said cause all the arguing we keep doing has pushed him over the edge. I suggested we separate for a while, whether it be a week or month and get some counseling. He doesnt think i will change and he really has no hope, but can a separation work? Has anyone done this and improved their relationship? At this point i dont know what else to do. Oh and I am pregnant by the way, so my emotions are crazy. And him saying he has gave up on our marriage just hurts. I really want this to work but i dont know how if he is not open minded. ???any advice??


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

I think separation might work, but it depends on the couple.

My wife isn't a touchy person either. I am curious, do you ever want touched? If not, what about it turns you off?


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## Pinkk (Nov 23, 2012)

I do but not alll the time. I am just stressed, having kids hang on me all the time that I dont always want to be bothered. I show things in my own way but he wants them more often. Sometimes he messes around when he goes to kiss me, and it annoys me. Or I want to sleep a certain way by him at night and he likes a different way that i feel uncomfortable and cant sleep. So, he thinks i dont want to be by him. and thats not true.


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

Ok, your situation sounds different. I hope you get it worked out. You deserve to be happy.


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## Traveller321 (Nov 26, 2012)

I think it can help a marriage sometimes, as it can be a huge wake up call for people to improve themselves, and their marriage. I know I get trapped in a rut sometimes, and am not the greatest partner. I am currently seperated and it has forced me to really do a self assessment and try to improve myself.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

This is looking like the typical sex drive mismatch that is seen here time and time again. "He feels like I dont love him, which i do. But he says I dont show him and its been like this for years. That I dont always want to be touched and that he is depressed everyday"

Men feel loved through the act of sex. Women need to feel loved BEFORE they want to have sex. He has a higher sex drive than you do. Your turning him down or your lack of intiating sex is viwed as you don't desire him or love him.

Of course, you have a lot on your plate too with the kids and your husband needs to understand this. Does he help with the kids at all or around the house? What kind of hours does he work?

Was your sex life always this way or only since the kids have come along? Do you work outside the home?

Counseling for both of you is a MUST

Most hear (and I agree) think that a physical seperation usually isn't a great idea. How can you work on things you've learned at counseling if you're not together? How can you have continued communication when you're apart?


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## frozen (Mar 5, 2012)

Pinkk,

A trial separation should be considered a last resort. Your husband probably feels he wants a divorce because no matter how hard he tries he cannot get his needs fulfilled. And his desperation had left you so sensitive you cannot be near him without feeling claustrophobic. 

There are so many good books you both need to read and practice. And you both need effective counseling. Start with 5 Love languages http://www.5lovelanguages.com/ and John Gottman http://www.gottman.com/49862/558737...even-Principles-for-Making-Marriage-Work.html. 

I also highly recommend finding a therapist certified in EFT, emotionally focused therapy, by Sue Johnson. Spending a day arguing is not going to help your marriage. 

There's so much good advice you can get on this forum but I believe you should spend your time educating yourself with proven materials. You need to be doing structured work on your marriage. All therapists are not created equal. A bad therapist can do a number on you so be careful.

We are here to help guide you, so please take the advice seriously. I am advocating only things that really worked in my marriage.

Good luck.


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## caladan (Nov 2, 2012)

I don't know. I was separated from my wife for a year. We're now back together, and right now I'm pretty sure we're doomed. 

I have no idea if it has worked for anyone else.


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## Pinkk (Nov 23, 2012)

Toffer said:


> This is looking like the typical sex drive mismatch that is seen here time and time again. "He feels like I dont love him, which i do. But he says I dont show him and its been like this for years. That I dont always want to be touched and that he is depressed everyday"
> 
> Men feel loved through the act of sex. Women need to feel loved BEFORE they want to have sex. He has a higher sex drive than you do. Your turning him down or your lack of intiating sex is viwed as you don't desire him or love him.
> 
> ...


He helps with the kids, but I feel myself always telling him how to deal with them or sometimes saying he doesnt help me with the house. And he feels like im saying he doesnt do anything. Which im not. He works 9 hour days in the morning. i go to school and it probably started after we kids i would say.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Since my wife spent most time with the kids, when I did have to deal with them on my own, I was very unsure and unsettled. Keep this in mind! It's like a foreign language to us!

Let him deal with the kids in his own way (unless he's letting them play with power tools). That's the only way he'll learn. If he's truly unsure or frustrated, he'll reach out to you!

First thing first is to find out if you both want to try and fix this. Tell him you do, that you love him and you know he's trying but "life" has gotten in the way of you two. Tell him you'd like to go to marriage counseling with him to work on your problems and his and that if he said yes, you'd be very happy.

MC should help get into your issues like communication (which seems to be a big one here) and other avenuse. Put your heart and soul into it if you want it to help!


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## Pinkk (Nov 23, 2012)

Toffer said:


> Since my wife spent most time with the kids, when I did have to deal with them on my own, I was very unsure and unsettled. Keep this in mind! It's like a foreign language to us!
> 
> Let him deal with the kids in his own way (unless he's letting them play with power tools). That's the only way he'll learn. If he's truly unsure or frustrated, he'll reach out to you!
> 
> ...


I have told him this. He said we can separate and work on things, he "guesses". And when i ask if he will try and try marriage counseling and stick with it, he says i dont care. He doesnt care about anything anymore. And it makes me mad cause i never get an answer.


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## tamii (Oct 14, 2012)

Separation will most likely lead to divorce.


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## Pinkk (Nov 23, 2012)

tamii said:


> Separation will most likely lead to divorce.


I dont think it lead to divorce in every situation. My husband left tonight for a motel for a week and we will still see each other, just need breathing room and to think of how to work on things. He might even come home sooner.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Again, the two of you need to realize that you probably have very serious communication issues and will need a third party to guide you through the process of how to communicate with each other.


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## stilllookingup (Oct 29, 2012)

What do you think the real reason he wants a divorce?
You really need to spend good chunk of alone time to figure that out if you want this to work. That's what I'm doing right now.

If intimacy was his big problem, I really think Toffer is bang on the money. Trust me, I'm the wife in a similar relationship and he sounds like he's the husband who struggled/struggling for his wife to understand his needs.

Until my own H blew up few months ago, I had no idea how much less sex/intimacy was hurting him. I'd never ever seen him hurt that much and I almost don't blame him for dropping D on me.

Sure, we both had communication issues but there were signs it was his big concern. Over the years whenever he brought it up I fought. I got defensive because I felt like he did not understand that I (and most wives) really need to feel affection before sex. Just kiss me or hug me out of blue, send me a card or loving text out of blue and we'd be thinking about giving back all day!

Anyway, we obviously couldn't get our feelings understood for along time until D day. Now this happened, I really started trying to understand what he had been going through. I'm putting "What I have been through" aside for now to really focus on his feelings.
I learned from all the readings and comments from husbands that they really do feel loved and desired when we enjoy sex with them.

I strongly suggest doing 180 (read Divorce busting and/or Divorce remedy) and also I'd suggest reading 5 languages of love. 

oh and don't try to convince him that you can change. Don't beg, don't tell him that you'll change. Try to really just listen to him (forget about what you want for now) and take "changes" into actions if you really want to change yourself to be a better person and he'll notice.


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## AlmostYoung (May 24, 2012)

He gave up on working on the marriage, (at least for now) so stop trying to make him re-commit or go to counseling, it will only push him farther away. 

Instead, work on making yourself a better person/wife, one that he would want to be with and please. 5LL is a good start, as is the Divorce Remedy book.

For any chance to fix this, one of you has to make the first move and do the work. Right now this needs to be you.


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

Pinkk said:


> My husband left tonight for a motel for a week and we will still see each other, just need breathing room and to think of how to work on things. He might even come home sooner.


*Pinkk:* I hesitate saying this, and I may get flamed for doing so, but he's going to get laid while he's gone for the week, IMO.


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## Pinkk (Nov 23, 2012)

old timer said:


> *Pinkk:* I hesitate saying this, and I may get flamed for doing so, but he's going to get laid while he's gone for the week, IMO.


Why would he do that?? Not everyone is a scumbag. Plus he has our daughters with him tonight!!! Most the time he still has the kids. Hes not trying to make things worse between us. Just cause thats how YOU would behave, its not him


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

Pinkk said:


> Why would he do that??
> 
> *Because he is a man who feels sexually deprived*
> 
> ...



*Pinkk:*I truly did not say this to be a jerk. I guess I could've sugar-coated it a little better. I really hope you are right.


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