# Honesty and Commitment....



## raising5boyz (Nov 8, 2008)

So a thought struck me today.....I have been married and divorced...twice. The first we were both fully committed....however when the marriage came to a point when I had to choose the safety of my children or my husband....I chose my children and left an abusive relationship. Even though he had an anger problem....he was definitely committed!

My second marriage....I was all in....completely committed. I remember talking for hours about what marriage meant and the commitment it takes....He agreed with everything 100%. However three years later....I guess that full fledged commitment ended? 

Thus my thoughts/questions today.....was the second husband really not committed and honest from the beginning or did he really believe it when he said it? Do some people just really not understand what complete honesty and commitment is about? I really wonder. There are so many people on hear who have been hurt unbelievably by thier spouse....it seems that we on this forum are the ones that really understand what those words mean....while are ex spouses were perhaps never fully committed?

I ask this partially because of my 'engagement'. I am holding back and I know it. Not from commitment but my love is reserved. I feel like I might never trust and believe in a man like I did my second husband. I know I shouldn't hold my ex's mistakes against my fiancé....however....I just can't seem to really trust like I used to. It's there....but there is a reservation that was never there before. 

Make any sense at all? Perhaps I am just crazy!? That's always a valid possibility!


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

raising5boyz said:


> My second marriage....I was all in....completely committed. I remember talking for hours about what marriage meant and the commitment it takes....He agreed with everything 100%. However three years later....I guess that full fledged commitment ended?
> 
> Thus my thoughts/questions today.....was the second husband really not committed and honest from the beginning or did he really believe it when he said it? Do some people just really not understand what complete honesty and commitment is about? I really wonder. There are so many people on hear who have been hurt unbelievably by thier spouse....it seems that we on this forum are the ones that really understand what those words mean....while are ex spouses were perhaps never fully committed?


Was your 2nd H honest about other things at the beginning?

Really could be either. Some people will tell whatever lie suits their current situation. Other people change over time.

Still puzzles me that during the first 15 years of our marriage, my Ex told no significant lies - at least none that were memorable. Then - the last several years - she has turned into a real, good old-fashioned Liar. Even now that we are divorced, she'll say things that just don't make sense sometimes. Like two days in a row being late to pick up the kids - first day, excuse was "had to get milk." Second day, said she went to the grocery to get some stuff - "Milk, cereal, etc."

So - at least in my case - I believe she changed - completely.


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

99% love is not love. Love is 100% or nothing. That means that, yes, you need to open yourself to the possibility of being hurt. If you can't do that yet, don't have a relationship until you feel like you can.


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## raising5boyz (Nov 8, 2008)

Kinda too late not to have a relationship. I could walk away....tell him I need time. It would hurt him. Or I could remain commited and just try to deal with my issues. Will I heal any faster or slower being in a relationship or not? I guess I just see myself as broken no matter what He is aware of my issues. I can either hurt him now or possibly hurt him later. Of course maybe there is a chance of happiness? Ugh....I'm just a mess.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

raising5boyz said:


> Kinda too late not to have a relationship. I could walk away....tell him I need time. It would hurt him. Or I could remain commited and just try to deal with my issues. Will I heal any faster or slower being in a relationship or not? I guess I just see myself as broken no matter what He is aware of my issues. I can either hurt him now or possibly hurt him later. Of course maybe there is a chance of happiness? Ugh....I'm just a mess.


I don't know why you consider yourself "broken." If anyone was "broken", it was your first two husbands.

I think we all have baggage - but that's not the same as being defective.

To paraphrase the Marilyn Monroe quote I keep seeing on Facebook - if he really wants you at what you consider your "worst" - imagine how much he'll love you at your best!


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## raising5boyz (Nov 8, 2008)

wow.....thanks for that quote nice guy. I have never heard it but I think I need to print it and plaster all around my house! Really never thought about it that way! 

I guess I feel broken because I am essentially refusing a good thing right now. I should be happy. I should be thrilled that this man loves me and that he loves all my boys! I'm refusing to let myself believe it though....I'm gonna end up loosing him if I can't snap out of this!


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

raising5boyz said:


> wow.....thanks for that quote nice guy. I have never heard it but I think I need to print it and plaster all around my house! Really never thought about it that way!
> 
> I guess I feel broken because I am essentially refusing a good thing right now. I should be happy. I should be thrilled that this man loves me and that he loves all my boys! I'm refusing to let myself believe it though....I'm gonna end up loosing him if I can't snap out of this!


Just be yourself. Don't try to "catch" him - don't try to chase him away. Tell him how you feel - enjoy the good, keep an eye out for the bad - but just be YOU.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Limping (Oct 5, 2011)

Ithink you are over thinking this R5B. You know in your heart that you have to give 100%. That is not the question. The question is, does he deserve to know exactly where you are at and that you simply are not CAPABLE of committing 100% to him right now, and may never be able to again.

I believe in complete and total honesty. I say you tell him EXACTLY what you are telling us.... Let him just read this message, so he knows what is going on in your head. He deserves no less.

If he bolts for the door, fine but if he stays fine too. Let him know when you are able to give 100% he will be the first one to know. If a woman cared enough for me to risk everything to make sure nothing was hidden from me... WOW... THAT is a woman I could love.

If he bolts, then better now then after you are married 5 years... That would destroy not only you but the boys as well.

The old saying goes, if you love something set it free, if it comes back, it is yours, if it does not, it never was yours. Wishing you the best.

Bill


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## carol (Mar 8, 2011)

I am sure he fully believed he was committed when he said it. Sometimes people change, for whatever reason. I'm so glad you had the courage to leave the abusive relationship and it is encouraging that the second husband wasn't abusive. Sometimes it is hard to get out of the cycle.

It is understandable that you are reserved about love. I was after only one husband. You just need to be open and tell him your feelings and he will have to prove himself to you. If he truly loves you, he will do it. 




raising5boyz said:


> So a thought struck me today.....I have been married and divorced...twice. The first we were both fully committed....however when the marriage came to a point when I had to choose the safety of my children or my husband....I chose my children and left an abusive relationship. Even though he had an anger problem....he was definitely committed!
> 
> My second marriage....I was all in....completely committed. I remember talking for hours about what marriage meant and the commitment it takes....He agreed with everything 100%. However three years later....I guess that full fledged commitment ended?
> 
> ...


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