# Those hidden issues that contributed to their cheating



## love=pain (Nov 26, 2012)

Now let me start by saying this is not about the issues in your marriage your Ws had that they say you are responsible for.
This is what your WS brought with them into your marriage things you didn't find out until after you were married or that came out during Dday.

For me I knew my wife came from a serial cheater's household, I even changed the locks of the in laws house during one of the episodes.
What I didn't know was just how dysfunctional her relationship with her father was and the problems it caused in her life(and mine of course)
Then several years into our marriage I found out she had been abused by a neighbor from the age of 9 to 13.

All this stuff gets brought up during dday and days after as reasons why; the insecurity, low self esteem, jealously etc.
Honestly at times I think I bought a nice shiny car that has engine problems and the dealer screwed me.
Saying this because there are times when I think except for my children why did I have to marry this one, I am sure this is me looking for some pity, but hang a sign around your neck that says just what the h3ll is going on in your head so we know just how fu6ked up you are. My decision to marry may have been different if I had known some of the things she went through. I have my own horror stories from my past but none that made me feel the need to cheat on my wife so while living with me is no picnic I am sure at least I have been faithful.

So passing this on to you do you feel this way too, I know from reading your stories that I am not alone many of our Ws seem to have similar issues and have used these issues as their reasons.

I am not sure why I bring this up today we haven't had too many problems and she did dismiss these things as valid reasons fro her choice, of course like many cheaters their actual reasons are very vague.


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## NeverMore (Feb 24, 2013)

Let's see, he cheated on everyone he'd ever been with. Was sexually abused, and possibly raped 2 girls when he was a teenager. Oh and said in therapy he felt "betrayed" by me when we first married, since I told him I did not like other girls hanging all over him. Oye!

A few more, constant liar, sexually inappropriate with his sisters, double life, penchant for BDSM and polygamy( how did I forget to mention that ??!!??) Yeah I picked a winner too  

I look at it like this, we all have issues. STBXH had some horrible things happen to him. So did my BIL(XH's sister's husband) and honestly was far worse. My BIL's father abandoned him when he was 2, he was then molested by his male baby sitter for a few years until he was 7, then beaten by his drunken step-father until 13. With all that you'd think he'd be a sociopath. Nope , he's a really nice guy, quiet, but nice guy. 

We all have choices, he chose to be a good person and not use his circumstances as an excuse to do horrible things to other people.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

- low self esteem
- chronic/compulsive liar (She told me she was Lebanese - I found out years into our marriage this was a complete lie - WTF???)
- No trust in me (constant cheating accusations)
- Daddy/abandonment issues
- Generally crazy behavior
- a mix of low self worth and entitlement - a real doozy of a combo for sure
- Extreme emotional immaturity - she grew down instead of growing up
- A penchant to be and associate with low lifes (again - something I thought she'd grow out of)
- Delusional 
- Self destructive
- Extreme jealousy
- mean spirited

Yeah, I picked a real winner.


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## love=pain (Nov 26, 2012)

NeverMore said:


> Let's see, he cheated on everyone he'd ever been with. Was sexually abused, and possibly raped 2 girls when he was a teenager. Oh and said in therapy he felt "betrayed" by me when we first married, since I told him I did not like other girls hanging all over him. Oye!
> 
> I look at it like this, we all have issues. STBXH had some horrible things happen to him. So did my BIL(XH's sister's husband) and honestly was far worse. My BIL's father abandoned him when he was 2, he was then molested by his male baby sitter for a few years until he was 7, then beaten by his drunken step-father until 13. With all that you'd think he'd be a sociopath. Nope , he's a really nice guy, quiet, but nice guy.
> 
> We all have choices, he chose to be a good person and not use his circumstances as an excuse to do horrible things to other people.


You are right we all have things floating around our head that happened in our past but my question is more of how you wish you knew those things before you were married.


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## NeverMore (Feb 24, 2013)

love=pain said:


> You are right we all have things floating around our head that happened in our past but my question is more of how you wish you knew those things before you were married.


Ah, well that would have required me to do some serious military style background checks considering he is a liar. So he never would have told me anyways, and I would have looked crazy having to go to those lengths to get the truth. See what these sick ****s do to us!


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

Everyone's different, and the situations are different. People cheat because they want to, damn the consequences. Or they get some grand vision of the future and how it will all be rainbows and butterflies. 

Life is never rainbows and butterflies; I don't care who you're with. And although I think early sexual abuse is a horrible thing, you can get it in your past so that it doesn't make you who you are today. 

Everyone has problems. None of those problems force us to drop our pants or panties, unless it's actual diarrhea.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

crap, there's a bucket load of stuff. I started a list and realised how screwed up she really was, and I never had a clue. 

When I add my issues, KABOOM! hahaha 

Good luck to the next guy who wants a long-term close knit relationship with her.


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## NeverMore (Feb 24, 2013)

doubletrouble said:


> Everyone's different, and the situations are different. People cheat because they want to, damn the consequences. Or they get some grand vision of the future and how it will all be rainbows and butterflies.
> 
> Life is never rainbows and butterflies; I don't care who you're with. And although I think early sexual abuse is a horrible thing, you can get it in your past so that it doesn't make you who you are today.
> 
> Everyone has problems*. None of those problems force us to drop our pants or panties, unless it's actual diarrhea.*


:rofl:


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

doubletrouble said:


> Everyone's different, and the situations are different. People cheat because they want to, damn the consequences. Or they get some grand vision of the future and how it will all be rainbows and butterflies.
> 
> Life is never rainbows and butterflies; I don't care who you're with. And although I think early sexual abuse is a horrible thing, you can get it in your past so that it doesn't make you who you are today.
> 
> Everyone has problems. None of those problems force us to drop our pants or panties, unless it's actual diarrhea.


Great post and LOL about the splats.


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

My take on this is that it is the same as everyone always says on here... It is always a choice. One of my best friends had one of the most toxic upbringings that I have ever heard, and because she did her due diligence in counseling, she is one of the most well rounded, clear thinking, solid people that I know. (Her take on many things is, "We're all f****d up!") 

Another person that I know also had a toxic upbringing, and his serial cheating caused me to cut him out of my life.


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## heartbroken0426 (Dec 4, 2013)

Well my STBXH came from a very traumatic childhood filled with emotional and physical abuse along with being moved from foster home/group home to another nonstop. I knew it would have some lasting problems for him but I didn't know to what extent. Well recently over the last 2 months I have learned to what extent which is why he cheated on me. I also recently found out that he cheated on his ex-wife (she told me....not him) but she kept it a secret from everyone. To this day, no one but her and her immediate family know about the affair. I'm sure this is part of the reason why he did it to me...because he wasn't really held accountable or had to face the public shame of it.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

heartbroken0426 said:


> I'm sure this is part of the reason why he did it to me...because he wasn't really held accountable or had to face the public shame of it.


Are you going to?


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## looking for clarity (Aug 12, 2013)

My husband is a liar as well. He also hung out with low lives and I also thought he'd outgrow them. He had told me he'd cheated on his ex girlfriend in college. I chalked that up to him been young. I guess he has self esteem issues As he is small and thin. He admits to me now that he is an exhibitionist. He likes kinky sex, threesomes, orgies etc (he forgot to tell me about that). Oh and he is bi- oral and likes to rub ****s together in a women's mouth ( he forgot to tell me about that one too). He cheated on me before and after the wedding. He obvious has no desire for sexual monogamy.

I think I win at picking the biggest loser : )
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Mine was/is a liar too. 

One of the biggest reasons that I questioned my sanity and didn't believe fully the obvious red flags waving manically at me was that shortly after we met he told me he had something he needed to tell me. He had only been split from his ex for a few months. I asked why. 'Because she cheated on me'. And so he told me HE had left her. I asked did he still have feelings for her. He said 'no, I can't stand her'. I was taken in by his lies but also the fact he brought this info to me.

Actually what happened was, SHE left him. For another man. And I believe he was besotted with her.

This one lie meant that I trusted far too much and made far too many excuses for him. And yes, he cheated on me with her. And no, I still don't know the full extent of it. And quite frankly, I don't care anymore. His continual lies have killed any chance of us correcting what he damaged. He is a habitual liar.


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## hawx20 (Jan 10, 2013)

Healer said:


> - low self esteem
> 
> - Daddy/abandonment issues
> 
> ...


Those were my wifes issues. I throw it in her face all the time that she would always tell me I never had faith in her. If a decision needed to be made and I didnt take her side it was because I didnt have faith in her she said. Always heard "You dont have faith in me".

Once she cheated, I told her how wrong she was. I told her sorry dear I always had faith in you......it was you who didnt have faith in yourself.


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## Rottdad42 (Nov 26, 2012)

Lookingforclarity, just damn, what the h--l is up with that. Like some have said doing your background on people for behavioral problems is almost a must. My now wife said before we got together she googled me. I had zero problem with that. She was making sure I wasn't wanted for something or worse.. I did the same thing. Prudent planning if you will. Yeah most people had bad childhoods, but it's a choice if you want to follow that path. Most deep down good people won't.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Rottdad42 said:


> Yeah most people had bad childhoods, but it's a choice if you want to follow that path. Most deep down good people won't.


Slight disagreement there. They don't have to go down that path, but it is the default because it is all they know and saw. So, they have to identify what was wrong with that picture and make intentional decisions to change. Those choices are harder because it is unknown and uncharted territory for them. And unless they had very close role models to at least give them a feel for what "normal" is, they may not know; Or worse, base it on movies and tv


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Lying, secrecy, selfishness, entitlement. 

The above list is just from my personal experience with one cheater.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lostmyreligion (Oct 18, 2013)

I went into marriage knowing full well that my soon-to-be wife was batsh!t bonkers. She had Mommy-Daddy and self esteem issues up the wazoo, all mixed in with a healthy dose of alchohol abuse.

But you know, the sex was incredible. After all, she told me I was the best she'd ever had and that she would *NEVER* cheat on me. With that buttressing my ego on one side and sure in the knowledge that I, myself, was an absolute model of mental stability shoring up the other, I said yes when she asked me to marry her. 

I was confident that I could fix her with my magic wand (err... so to speak) and just my overall wonderfulness.

19 yrs. later, after 3 kids, life in general and a great deal of incredibly destructive relational crap-kicking on both parts, the best way to describe things currently is that we're scarred and wary but still very much in love. We communicate better than we ever had and we've certainly stopped taking each other for granted.

She's become (much more) rational through effectively addressing and mitigating her aforementioned issues.

I'm no longer blinded by the bulk of the "Hindenburg" that was my ego and now that I'm on the ground, can see much more clearly by the light of it's burning wreckage.

For the most part, we're still pretty good friends.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

lostmyreligion said:


> I went into marriage knowing full well that my soon-to-be wife was batsh!t bonkers. She had Mommy-Daddy and self esteem issues up the wazoo, all mixed in with a healthy dose of alchohol abuse.
> 
> But you know, the sex was incredible. After all, she told me I was the best she'd ever had and that she would *NEVER* cheat on me. With that buttressing my ego on one side and sure in the knowledge that I, myself, was an absolute model of mental stability shoring up the other, I said yes when she asked me to marry her.
> 
> ...


Did she cheat?


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## lostmyreligion (Oct 18, 2013)

Me: Long term (years) EA early in the marriage.
Her: 7 month EA/PA about midpoint. A ONS shortly after.

I mentioned her drinking but forgot to mention that my head was buried in a garbage bag full of weed most of the time.

We were kind of the 'Jack Sprat' couple for debauchery.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

circumstances and situations don't contribute. they reveal.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

lostmyreligion said:


> Me: Long term (years) EA early in the marriage.
> Her: 7 month EA/PA about midpoint. A ONS shortly after.
> 
> I mentioned her drinking but forgot to mention that my head was buried in a garbage bag full of weed most of the time.
> ...


"We were"... Sounds like you made it through it...


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## lostmyreligion (Oct 18, 2013)

We did. 

Had to grow up at some point. Acting like teenagers when we weren't, especially with kids, wasn't working too well.

Saw a great bumper sticker once that sums up our approach:

"Change is inevitable. Growth is optional"


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## looking for clarity (Aug 12, 2013)

Lmr, I like that quote.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## love=pain (Nov 26, 2012)

You know I wouldn't trade my kids for anything the world, but there are those times when if her personal issues were easier to see back then it may have changed my life course. Who knows they say sex is better with the crazy, f-up'd ones so there is nothing to say I would have changes my mind anyhow.
I guess most of us BS wish at some time or another things were different in our lives, hindsight and all.


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## lostmyreligion (Oct 18, 2013)

It's enough that hindsight's a ***** - I knew she was nuts, but my huge messiah complex blinded my foresight. 

My mom used to say that time heals all wounds. We were already on the path to healing when I found CWI. Reading on this forum has helped me deal with the scar tissue. Looking back at what a gut wrenching battle it's been to get to this point in our marriage, and knowing the extent to which her issues contributed to her decisions, I don't think that, given the opportunity, I'd enter into the fray again so willingly. And certainly not with the attitude that I was all that was needed to fix her.

Counseling beforehand would have been a really good thing for both of us.


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## katt (Dec 8, 2013)

My husband cheated because he couldn't talk to me, he felt neglected, he felt like I didn't love him. It hurts to hear him describe the exact feelings I've had for the last year while he ran out behind my back...What do I do with that?


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

katt said:


> My husband cheated because he couldn't talk to me, he felt neglected, he felt like I didn't love him. It hurts to hear him describe the exact feelings I've had for the last year while he ran out behind my back...What do I do with that?


Ask him to explain how you made him feel this way and how often did he feel this way?


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## WayUpNorth (Dec 14, 2013)

Rottdad42 said:


> Lookingforclarity, just damn, what the h--l is up with that. Like some have said doing your background on people for behavioral problems is almost a must. My now wife said before we got together she googled me. I had zero problem with that. She was making sure I wasn't wanted for something or worse.. I did the same thing. Prudent planning if you will. Yeah most people had bad childhoods, but it's a choice if you want to follow that path. Most deep down good people won't.


Google won't tell you if she is BPD or a cluster B, or any of those problems.


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