# Mother-in-Law Drama



## InGodITrust1906 (Jul 1, 2011)

Greetings everyone I am a newbie to the site. I have been a lurker for a while now. I would like to have some honest advice on how best to deal with my current ordeal with my mother in law. My wife and I had an issue about two weeks ago where I had to call the police to get back into my home. Because I suspected her of cheating, I placed a tracking device in her car. 

She went to a conference an hour away at a hotel, stayed for an hour and forty five minutes and drove an hour back home. I was surprised she had come home so early. I felt that me contacting my associate I think she is seeing was with her and they rushed back home. Be that as it may (that is a whole other thread), we got into a disagreement that had my wife throwing my clothes out of the closet in front of my children etc. 

We don't speak for a day as she slept in the living room away from me. I approached her that Sat. morning wanting to talk about the issue. I also wanted to pray. That wasn't something she wanted. Fast forward to that evening, I return from Borders and she has screen door locked. I proceed to try to enter but she does not allow it. She asked if I had placed something in her vehicle and I said yes because you've been lying to me. My two year old son opened the lock and as I came in, she shoved me out the house. I tried to get in through the front to no avail. 

I sat and pondered what to do but then decided to call the police to defuse the issue. Once they came, emotional as I was, I told the cop I suspected my wife of cheating and placed a device in the car but she would not let me in. I also explained she shoved me a few times(not the first time but I didn't say) too. The police did the report and filed charges even though I did not want to. My wife left with the children and about a half an hour later, my mother in law calls and curses me like a sailor.

She said, "What the H_ _ is going on down there? You round there telling the police some d--m lies about (my wife) committing infidelity!" "It's not in her blood." While trying to defuse it without attacking her, she finishes with, "You don't do no sh--t like that." Among other objectionable colorful metaphors. We have always had a good relationship (so I thought) therefore it shocked me. This is he God knows truth.

Today she was on the phone with my 6 year old daughter. The phone was on speaker and she asked my child if I was gone and if I left with a suitcase. My daughter said no because he is going to stay a while. My mother in law responded naw he supposed to be moving. 

As a man on the verge of ordination and becoming a chaplain, how best should I handle this without being indignant and adding fuel to an unstable fire?


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

It doesn't really seem like you have MIL drama. It sounds like you're having some serious marital problems and your MIL just wants to protect her daughter. If you don't want to talk to MIL just don't answer her calls. You really have no control over what she says to your kids, other then not answering the phone.


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

I agree that your issue is not your MIL. I would defuse her by saying that WHEN she can talk to you in a civilized manner you will be happy to discuss the issue with her (assuming you want to).

Reference the issue with your wife, sounds to me like you hit a nerve and she doesn't want you to "touch that spot" anymore.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

I agree, don't speak to the MIL unless she can be civil.

I think you need to post your whole story about your marital problems because they are the cause of this issue.


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## InGodITrust1906 (Jul 1, 2011)

Blanca said:


> It doesn't really seem like you have MIL drama. It sounds like you're having some serious marital problems and your MIL just wants to protect her daughter. If you don't want to talk to MIL just don't answer her calls. You really have no control over what she says to your kids, other then not answering the phone.


Interesting regarding her wanting to protect her daughter. We have never had this issue before. Besides, my mother and father would never address my wife in this manner.


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## InGodITrust1906 (Jul 1, 2011)

BigToe said:


> I agree that your issue is not your MIL. I would defuse her by saying that WHEN she can talk to you in a civilized manner you will be happy to discuss the issue with her (assuming you want to).
> 
> Reference the issue with your wife, sounds to me like you hit a nerve and she doesn't want you to "touch that spot" anymore.


Interesting. What do you mean when you say hit a nerve? Just curious.


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

The most concerning aspect to this whole thing, based on what you describe, is that your children are already being put in the middle by your wife and your mother in law. You should all be aware that fighting in front of your kids, discussing a divorce, infidelity, you moving, or any marital issues in front of your kids is HARMFUL to them. It is very scary to them and can really cause a lot of problems for them.

I would seek the advice of a child psychologist PRONTO to discuss how to sheild your children from what sounds like a traumatic household. 

Your indignation about your mother in law is understandable, but I would be more worried about what she is saying to your kids than to you.


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## dojo (Jul 4, 2011)

This is a very sensitive situation and it's great that you've kept calm and didn't do anything to escalate it further. I would also choose to discuss the matters when the MIL would calm down. Right now you're the one who's taking a "beating" and should have the chance to discuss matters with your wife and her mother too.

It's in our blood to care first for our offsprings, so you shouldn't take anything too personally from what your MIL is saying. I know that, if my SO would do something bad, his mom would blindly take his side anyway ...

All the best with this and keep us posted


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

InGodITrust1906 said:


> We have never had this issue before. Besides, my mother and father would never address my wife in this manner.


If your parents wouldn't speak this way that's fine, but it wont do you any good to try and puff up your sense of "rightness" by polarizing your MIL's behavior. Circumstances and experiences are different for your MIL and your parents and trying to compare them is as counter productive as being infuriated that an oak tree wont grow in the desert. 

I also have a crazy MIL and I have to deal with her as she is, without judging her. Until I am a mom, and have gone through what she has, I realize I cannot judge her behavior. I wont tell her she has to change, but I will tell her what my boundaries are. I will tell her, 'If you speak that way I cannot be around you' or 'I cannot let you around my kids if you speak that way.'


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## InGodITrust1906 (Jul 1, 2011)

Blanca said:


> If your parents wouldn't speak this way that's fine, but it wont do you any good to try and puff up your sense of "rightness" by polarizing your MIL's behavior. Circumstances and experiences are different for your MIL and your parents and trying to compare them is as counter productive as being infuriated that an oak tree wont grow in the desert.
> 
> I also have a crazy MIL and I have to deal with her as she is, without judging her. Until I am a mom, and have gone through what she has, I realize I cannot judge her behavior. I wont tell her she has to change, but I will tell her what my boundaries are. I will tell her, 'If you speak that way I cannot be around you' or 'I cannot let you around my kids if you speak that way.'



Interesting take.. Thanks a lot for your response Blanca! I have just decided to keep my distance for the time being.


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## InGodITrust1906 (Jul 1, 2011)

Laurae1967 said:


> The most concerning aspect to this whole thing, based on what you describe, is that your children are already being put in the middle by your wife and your mother in law. You should all be aware that fighting in front of your kids, discussing a divorce, infidelity, you moving, or any marital issues in front of your kids is HARMFUL to them. It is very scary to them and can really cause a lot of problems for them.
> 
> I would seek the advice of a child psychologist PRONTO to discuss how to sheild your children from what sounds like a traumatic household.
> 
> Your indignation about your mother in law is understandable, but I would be more worried about what she is saying to your kids than to you.


You made a very good point. I think about this all the time having the children in the middle. This is something I hoped to have avoided but was thrust upon it. Thank you very much.


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## InGodITrust1906 (Jul 1, 2011)

dojo said:


> This is a very sensitive situation and it's great that you've kept calm and didn't do anything to escalate it further. I would also choose to discuss the matters when the MIL would calm down. Right now you're the one who's taking a "beating" and should have the chance to discuss matters with your wife and her mother too.
> 
> It's in our blood to care first for our offsprings, so you shouldn't take anything too personally from what your MIL is saying. I know that, if my SO would do something bad, his mom would blindly take his side anyway ...
> 
> All the best with this and keep us posted


Thanks a lot Dojo! I will definitely keep you posted. It is an extremely sensitive situation and I am trying best to be civil.


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## Riverside MFT (Oct 5, 2009)

Just read through the thread. In-law issues can be difficult to deal with because they are usually not able to look at situations objectively. 90% of the time, they will believe their child and think he/she has done nothing wrong. It is just the nature of a lot of in-law relationships.

Just out of curiosity, if your wife were talkng about her situation from her perspective, what would she be saying about you?


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## InGodITrust1906 (Jul 1, 2011)

Thanks Riverside. I appreciate your response. And yes, I do realize how the parents will take the side of their child. Of course, my wife would not have favorable things to say of me. i too have had my own issues but never to the point of calling law enforcement. I sent my wife a separation agreement because she stated the marriage was over a few weeks back. Strangely, when she got it, she teared up and never sent it back. 

She is concerned about the assault charge but I assured her I would not prosecute. The other night, she was sitting up tearing up. As I held her and asked her what was wrong, she never said anything. For about two and a half weeks, I did not sleep in the marital bedroom. I watched no television and did a lot of reading. I eventually went back upstairs after we had another big blow up. It felt as if she was sending mixed messages. 

She said we haven't had a great 7 year marriage. We have never been to marriage counseling. I suggested it over the years, she was strongly against it. I love my wife dearly and am very attracted to her still. She still allows me to hold her at night but you can still feel a wedge. Day to day is pretty much a toss up as for what will happen next.


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