# SAHMs... Is this normal?



## lessthennone (Jun 19, 2014)

Yesterday, I got home from work and my wife asked if I'd watch our daughter. I think she was cutting fruit or something. I said sure and pretty much just followed our daughter around. She's just getting to the point where she's walking everywhere, so we did laps around the house.

A few laps later, my daughter found a toy and walked into the kitchen with it and sat down near my wife. Probably 5 feet away from her. So I was just standing there, and she was in full view, so I sat down at our kitchen computer. I was really just sitting down, but the computer was in front of me. I probably visited some websites, I don't even remember. I was there for about 20s. 

So I heard a little noise and leaned over to get a good look and our daughter had stood up and fallen on her bum. She didn't get hurt, it was the type of plop down that kids do 100 times a day, but I did look up quickly and was out of arms reach of her. 

So my wife looks at me annoyed and says "can you take her out of here." I guess I was confused, because I didn't understand what she was saying. So I said "OK?" slowly. Then my wife says "take her out of here so I don't feel like I'm watching her". 

I just don't understand what she was saying. I never ask her to remove herself and our kids from a room I'm in. I really just don't get it. I kind of resent the sentiment. 

Do other SAHM's understand this? She may have been frustrated after a day of watching her, but with kids, out of sight isn't really out of mind. At least for me.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

lessthennone said:


> ke I'm watching her".
> 
> *I just don't understand what she was saying. I never ask her to remove herself and our kids from a room I'm in. I really just don't get it. I kind of resent the sentiment. *
> 
> Do other SAHM's understand this? She may have been frustrated after a day of watching her, but with kids, out of sight isn't really out of mind. At least for me.


This is what I think she was thinking.. with kids.. it's kinda a back & forth watching when they are young.. so whomever is closer will take the responsibility -even though you said you were watching her ...(giving her a little break)... in her mind -when she saw the little girl coming closer to her, she might have felt in a split second.. "Oh it's on me again now".. and she just really wanted that break.. so she spoke in a moment.. .

That's all I can come up with!


----------



## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

She saw you on the computer not really watching your child. My husband does that half here half not paying full attention. I get annoyed too .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## lessthennone (Jun 19, 2014)

mablenc said:


> She saw you on the computer not really watching your child. My husband does that half here half not paying full attention. I get annoyed too .
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I could understand that, my wife does the same thing. I too get annoyed, but I don't tell her to watch her away from me. Or, for that matter, in a different room. 

Maybe I'll say, "You are watching her, right?"


----------



## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

True, maybe she was just in a bad mood?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I'm not a SAH anything, but she probably wanted some time where she didn't have to be thinking about anyone else and what they're doing. Seems pretty normal to me. She's used to keeping one eye on the baby no matter what she's doing, and the baby "plopping" down like that brought her back to that instinctively. No matter that you were in the room or not. The only way she could get away from that is for both of you to be out of the room. 

Next time, try spending some time with the child out of the house. Go to the park, the mall, go for a walk. A mother doesn't really get a break until everyone is out of the house. My guess, anyway. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Kitchens and bathrooms are the two rooms where children need to be watched constantly. My mom wouldn't allow children in the kitchen when she was prepping or cooking because accidents do happen. Better to be safe than sorry.

Maybe your wife did need a moment to herself without worrying about the child.


----------



## Giro flee (Mar 12, 2013)

I can't have a mental break from parenting if my child is five feet from me in the kitchen. So I guess I understand her wanting you to go outside, or the family room, somewhere so she can just shut it off for a while. Was she really rude and angry about it? Is she getting enough time off and rest? Does this happen often? Have you talked about this?

Sometimes I would ask H to watch the baby and pretty soon I would have a toddler on my leg while H was working on his computer. I learned to ask him to take the child somewhere else in the house so I could get a mental break or complete a task that needed my full attention.

My husband is perfectly capable of ignoring children, I on the other hand cannot ignore children if they are in my view even if they aren't my own. I'm always on guard. Exhausting.


----------



## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

Yup, I get that, totally. If I ask my husband to watch the kids, that means "get them out of my hair, please, so I can work."

I _can_ cook dinner with kids underfoot, but damn, it sure is sweet to not _have to_ sometimes.


----------



## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

PBear said:


> Next time, try spending some time with the child out of the house. Go to the park, the mall, go for a walk. A mother doesn't really get a break until everyone is out of the house. My guess, anyway.


^ This. 

I totally understand your wife. We don't get a break and if the baby/child is in the room it goes back to feeling like we're responsible for watching them, especially if you are half watching her by being on the computer. It would be really nice if you take your daughter out of the room or out of the house for your wife to get more of a true break. I really wish my husband would do that for me, as I always have our son hanging on me or in the same room, but it tends to always go back to me being responsible for our son.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

She feels like she's always on duty unless the baby is with you and you're actively playing with her. Not sitting on the computer. 

Mothers tend to be the default parent. It's nice to get a proper break so you can at least focus on one thing at a time.


----------



## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Practice how to watch a 1 year old, a 4 year old, your college team getting obliterated in March Madness on TV, and study for your qualifier exams all at the same time . Everyone survived and I passed my exams so...

I would say when the tot is your responsibility it should be in another room/ area of the house from where your wife is...


----------



## Unique Username (Jul 6, 2013)

Toddlers are really demanding.

It was probably a very stressful day. she just wanted a break.
You were playing on the computer and NOT really watching your daughter anymore.
She was frustrated.

Next time give her a kiss on the forehead and a big hug and say NO PROBLEM HONEY!!
Then take your daughter to her own room and play whatever she wants...soon it will be tea parties and baby dolls or barbies.

Don't add more in to it than it really was.

She was tired, frustrated and a tad resentful that you WEREN'T really watching her for last half hour or so.

Being a Mom - usually means we feel like the kid is attached to our hip.
So getting a little breather is a wonderful thing...a nice break to help us be better mommies!

You get to be at work all day with adults, she doesn't


----------



## nikoled (Mar 12, 2014)

lessthennone said:


> Yesterday, I got home from work and my wife asked if I'd watch our daughter. I think she was cutting fruit or something. I said sure and pretty much just followed our daughter around. She's just getting to the point where she's walking everywhere, so we did laps around the house.
> 
> A few laps later, my daughter found a toy and walked into the kitchen with it and sat down near my wife. Probably 5 feet away from her. So I was just standing there, and she was in full view, so I sat down at our kitchen computer. I was really just sitting down, but the computer was in front of me. I probably visited some websites, I don't even remember. I was there for about 20s.
> 
> ...


I've been a SAHM for 20 years. I remember those days of having younger kids and sometimes you just are done when your husband comes home. I remember just needing a few minutes of not having to be on every second. It doesn't mean that your wife isn't caring about her daughter when you are on baby duty- you are just giving her a break. You also get the great opportunity to spend some time with your daughter. Take her outside or play with her in another room for 30 minutes while your wife cooks dinner or cleans up or takes a bath or whatever. She will be grateful and feel recharged. Being a parent is a 24/7 job and sometimes you just need a moment when you don't have to be ON. Perfectly normal!


----------



## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

I remember being absolutely frazzled with our fist child, who was colicky and screamed pretty much all time time unless she was attached to my boob. One evening I asked my husband to take her so I could take a shower in peace. 

He stood outside the open bathroom door so I could hear her screaming and hurry up . . . 

:banghead:


----------



## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

One of the times I love my husband the most is when I'm having a (rare) afternoon weekend nap and I hear him outside the bedroom door saying "come away from there girls, mummy's trying to rest".


----------



## CarlaRose (Jul 6, 2014)

I'm hoping you found everyone's assistance helpful, but I don't understand why you took offense to her request.


----------



## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

1st kid, right? she is in the mode of "we have to watch the kid every second or it will break". 

That's what dads are for, to let the kid off the leash a little....especially if it is a boy. Next time hop in the car and go to a playground and let the kid run a little. Play with other kids. Be a dad, not a substitute mom


----------



## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

My wife tells me that whenever she is in the room with under 5's she is constantly "on duty" looking out for them and catering to their needs even when there are other adults (myself or our daughters 17 / 18) there with her. For her to be able to truly "turn off" the kids need to be supervised IN ANOTHER ROOM, not a problem for me as I am happy to sit down on the mat in the story corner of the playroom and read "Thomas the Tank Engine" yet again.

It is all too easy to just pop them in-front of the TV watching NickJR whilst you try and catch up on something else but IMHO unless you keep at least one eye on toddlers they will get up to mischief (as the Lego bricks in our DVD player will testify).


----------



## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

I"m surprised you are confused, really.
You did an inadequate job.


----------



## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

When my kids are near me, when they were just starting to be mobile especially, I always felt on duty, I couldn't switch off. If they were in the same room and someone else wasn't actively (and I mean very actively) monitoring them, then I was. This means that I wasn't getting a break anymore, I was back on duty, whatever I was doing came second to that. Sometimes you just want to be able to focus on one thing without feeling like that.

If Mum is cooking and asks Dad to monitor bubs, Dad should keep bubs out of the kitchen imo.


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

How about apologizing to your wife, and vowing to do better?


----------



## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Without having read some of the other replies, my thinking on this is simple.

Your wife didn't want to have to think about your child for a short period of time.

I can't think of an easier way to not have to think about something than for it to be out of my field of vision. She probably wanted you to leave her in peace for a little time so she could recharge. I do the same thing for anything else that I'd like to remove from my mind.

Maybe she could have been clearer about how she phrased it so there was no ambiguity.


----------



## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

If I were you, I would do this as choice of your own to give her break, tell her you think she needs some time to herself too and you realize that doesn't happen a lot and that you would be glad to relieve some pressure of being a mom for a few hours a few times a week……..that your a team and that she isn't just a mom she is your wife too……….
You will see how much she appreciates you and loves you for thinking of her because when you have small children that sort of goes out the window and all you do is take care of everyone else and no one seems to be looking after you……
Tell her to forget any household duties and just do something she likes to do……..
It is very common for SAHM's to feel this way that they just need a break from being a parent for a little while……
I would make an effort for a date night as well and adult conversation those are the things SAHM's miss about their lives as a woman 
They aren't just mothers. they want to be themselves and women too…….
She was expecting you to understand and give her that time .


----------



## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

murphy5 said:


> 1st kid, right? she is in the mode of "we have to watch the kid every second or it will break".
> 
> That's what dads are for, to let the kid off the leash a little....especially if it is a boy. Next time hop in the car and go to a playground and let the kid run a little. Play with other kids. Be a dad, not a substitute mom


Ha, totally opposite in our house. I'm not the mother hen . . . he is. And I don't think this is all that unusual. I learned pretty quickly how to deftly handle the baby, and that kids aren't really that fragile. I think sometimes dads take longer to develop that confidence, if they ever develop it at all. Simply a function of how labor is divided it--you get good at the things you spend the most time doing. 

Not saying this is the case for everyone--just that I think your assumption about moms being the one who thinks the kids will break isn't a good general rule.

Of course, I'm often terrified that something will happen "on my watch" and I'll be in trouble with my husband for not being diligent enough. I'm sure this is the case with dads who are a little more relaxed with minding the kids, too.


----------



## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

GettingIt said:


> Ha, totally opposite in our house. I'm not the mother hen . . . he is. And I don't think this is all that unusual. I learned pretty quickly how to deftly handle the baby, and that kids aren't really that fragile. I think sometimes dads take longer to develop that confidence, if they ever develop it at all. Simply a function of how labor is divided it--you get good at the things you spend the most time doing.
> 
> Not saying this is the case for everyone--just that I think your assumption about moms being the one who thinks the kids will break isn't a good general rule.
> 
> Of course, I'm often terrified that something will happen "on my watch" and I'll be in trouble with my husband for not being diligent enough. I'm sure this is the case with dads who are a little more relaxed with minding the kids, too.


Lol, you sound like me. I would always watch, but I'd let my kids take more risks than DH ever would. He was also the one to hover and fret. When the kids were in the kitchen I was always on double alert though. Heard of too many accidents happening in kitchens. Anyway, DH was the only one I felt who was more attentive than me, and I thought that was pretty rare for a mother, but obviously not. 

Maybe when one parent is a bit overprotective, the other automatically steps back to allow the kids some freedom.

Still feel that a SAHM needs a true break sometimes though, and if she's very confident the father will do a good job, that's great.

Edited to add: One example of that I distinctly remember is Dh always telling the kids to 'stay close', 'don't get too far ahead', etc. I wanted them to run off a bit, explore, test the boundaries, not stay glued to my side like frightened rabbits. Some of our most common disagreements was him telling me to be more worried and me telling him to give them more freedom, lol.


----------



## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

My husband is the hoverer in this house. I'm always saying, she's fine, she can do it.


----------



## inquizitivemind (Jul 16, 2013)

I totally understand your wife. I have a 2 month old and sometimes I ask my husband to hold him or sit near him so I can have some me time for 10 or 15 minutes. I am with him 24 hours a day everyday. Don't get me wrong, I love being with him, but after a few hours of fussing and not understanding exactly what he needs, I just need a minute to clear my mind and be me. I'm sure a baby on the move is just if not more exhausting.

I don't think you did anything wrong. Do like my dad and give your wife a kiss and say, "Ok, love you honey."


----------



## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

Lyris said:


> My husband is the hoverer in this house. I'm always saying, she's fine, she can do it.


Same here. 

My husband is always hovering, telling him no, keeping very close to our son. I let our son wander and explore, which sometimes leads to some falls, but he is fine. He's learning and growing. 

But I always feel like I have to do 2 things at once. I'm cooking and watching him out of the corner of my eye(make sure he doesn't get into trouble). Constant double duty, which is tiring. It's nice when my husband takes him out of the room, so I can focus on just one thing.


----------



## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

OK, I can buy it that she wanted isolation from the kid, but she didn't state it directly. Instead, she chose to be snippy with her husband, the OP.

I also don't think that the OP's wife spends all her time constantly glued to only what the kid is doing.

So he looked at a website?

That all said, the OP should check on what exactly she is asking since she is vague. Is it possible to contain the young kid in a room somewhere while she gets a break?


----------



## BostonBruins32 (Nov 2, 2013)

I'll go the other way with this.

I think sometimes a SAHM forgets that a husband may have worked all day too. Imagine if he came home after working all day and immediately said get out of my hair so i can take a shower or vacuum the floor. I wonder how that would fly?

I am biased because my wife is a part time sahm, part time worker. When I get home, i carry full supervision of our daughter from the moment I walk in till bed time. This is on days when my wife works and this is on days when she doesnt. During the weekend, my wife does her own thing around the house (sometimes chores related, sometimes ipad related) while I follow around our daughter. It is literally a 80/20 split on weekends. I love my daughter. love her to pieces. Because I love her and she craves parental attention, I hold off on many things I'd like to accomplish till after her bed time. That's the life I signed up for in being a parent. 

All I'm saying is that we have to put things into perspective a bit. Imagine roles being reversed. Also consider the tonality. My wife's tone is nasty. There is a nice way to say things, and a shi tty way to say things. Enough shi tty ways, and I know I begin to build resentment.


----------



## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

I'm going to take your wife's position on this one. She's watching the kids all day, she asks you to watch them. Kid comes in and gets all up in her junk, she probably still feels like she's watching them.


If the shoe was on the other foot, you were watching the kids all day, your wife comes home and you say, "Hey can you watch Little Bobby for a few minutes while I fix the lawn mower." And then Little Bobby comes out in the garage and is tinkering with things around the garage while your wife is looking at her phone. It takes you out of your zone.........

So I can definitely see why she's annoyed. BUT she should communicate that as respectfully as possible (which can be hard after a full day with the kids).


----------



## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

michzz said:


> OK, I can buy it that she wanted isolation from the kid, but she didn't state it directly. Instead, she chose to be snippy with her husband, the OP.
> 
> I also don't think that the OP's wife spends all her time constantly glued to only what the kid is doing.
> 
> ...


She wasn't really all that vague, in her mind 'watching her daughter' was sufficient information (the OP, now that he understands more can recognise what it means), and her reaction wasn't all that snippy. I thought she was rather restrained considering the frustration build up she was probably experiencing. Let's not exaggerate her reaction to make her into a big bad guy here. No one is saying the OP is a bad guy either, he just lacked knowledge about the situation, being a new Dad, he has asked, he has found the answers. Easy done.


----------



## lessthennone (Jun 19, 2014)

Hi guys. I disappeared for a while, but I'm back. 

I understand that it's frustrating being a SAHM. I'm not diminishing that at all. 

But, I don't shun responsibilities with the kids. I think I'm being given less credit then I deserve. On this day, my day off, my son was actually with his grandparents. My wife had slept late, then had a DR's appointment, then came home. I woke up with my daughter and was watching her all day. All OK. No complaints from me.

The thing is, I watch the kids all the time and make dinner. The thought of asking her to take the kids elsewhere while I'm cooking wouldn't cross my mind. She gets mad when I ask her to watch them when I'm taking a phone call. 

Now that I see it's OK, I may use it. Actually, no I won't. It's rude and I'd never say anything like that to my wife or in front of my kids.

On my days off, I wake up with the kids, and my wife sleeps late. She also has lots of DR's appointments. I have to be careful when I take my son out. If I do something too fun, she gets mad that I didn't bring her. In fact, I always wanted to take him out in the morning, but she always said "wait". At one point, she suggested taking him out. I ran with it and do something with him on the morning of my day off. Usually my daughter sleeps late, so my wife can sleep late. 

That night we took her to a fair. My wife said we should trade off watching her so we could go into the beer tent. I wasn't planning on drinking, so I thought we were going there for my daughter's sake. MY wife disappeared into the beer tent for 30m. I fed my daughter and she started getting fussy. She had been sitting there for 30m. So when my wife showed back up, I told her I was taking her down to the games and rides. My wife stayed in the beer tent. So, I saw a ride I thought she could handle; but I thought my wife may want to take her on it. That's what she was talking about the whole way up. But, she didn't want to leave the beer tent. I waved to her to come out. She was mad that I pulled her away. 

So I put my daughter on the ride myself and watched her first ride with a friend. I went back to the beer tent and my wife was mad that I was trying to drag her away. At that point it was passed my daughters bedtime, but my wife wanted to keep her up later. I went back down with my daughter and played some games. At this point, it was time to go. But, my wife wanted to take her on a ride. So we went. She gave me hell the whole ride home because I was trying to drag her away from the beer tent. In all reality, I thought my daughter would prefer the rides and games. My wife disagreed. 

I guess in general, I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't.

Oh... Between my wife and myself, my wife gives them a lot more distance then I do. We have a blow up pool out back. I won't let my daughter out there herself. My wife will. When I see this happen, I walk outside and watch her. I don't make a big deal, but I am paranoid that something could happen. She doesn't have that paranoia about their safety.

EDIT: I just realized I got my days crossed. The day she got frustrated I was at work for 5 hrs, so that could explain the spontaneous frustration. The next two days, my days off, I watched my daughter.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

No offense, but we can only comment on what you give us to comment on. If you want useful advice, give a complete picture. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

OK well based on that last information I would say your wife is immature and selfish...but you didn't post that information in your first post, only the parts about you being a selfish jackass.

What would your wife say about your parenting? We only see one side here


----------



## lessthennone (Jun 19, 2014)

PBear said:


> No offense, but we can only comment on what you give us to comment on. If you want useful advice, give a complete picture.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Definitely, my fault for not including more pertinent info. I was hoping others would look to or remember my past posts, but that's probably not the most reasonable expectation.

My concern, at first, was articulating my point so well that I got an echo chamber of "you are right". 

I know I don't shun responsibility with the kids, but I also know she gets too frustrated to speak politely to me. Unfortunately, the things that seem to frustrate her are mornings, phone calls, the kids, my work schedule, etc... You know, the things in life you cannot avoid.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Based on your last/longer post... Have you ever read "No More Mr. Nice Guy" or "Married Man's Sex Life Primer"?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## lessthennone (Jun 19, 2014)

COguy said:


> OK well based on that last information I would say your wife is immature and selfish...but you didn't post that information in your first post, only the parts about you being a selfish jackass.
> 
> What would your wife say about your parenting? We only see one side here


She would say that I work too much. When our first was born, I took an additional day off. Previously, I'd work 6 or 7 days a week. I now work 38 hours a week and have the easiest schedule of my life. 

She will also say that I don't hang out with her enough. She always seems to complain about it when we're hanging out together alone. Just like when we go out on a date and all she does is complain that we don't do "this" more often. 

I don't do guys nights out. I have never, since my first was born, left the kids home with her for any recreational activity. Work and DR's appointments, only. She has. 

She has, in the heat of the moment, told me I'm a terrible parent during arguments. I cannot think of a single incident that would be evidence of that. She couldn't either when I asked. 

She has a gag reflex, so I tend to change the poops. Not every time, but frequently. I had a male friend who once said that he didn't change poops. I lost respect for him that very instant. 

I wake up with our son every morning even though we agreed to split it. If I'm home, I get our daughter up. Then, I wake up my wife right before I leave for work.

On my days off, she sleeps until 10:30 at least. 11:30 typically. Then she comes down and is miserable towards me because she "couldn't sleep". She immediately criticizes the mess of toys. The same mess that would be there if she woke up with them. 

The other day, I was at my parents house and my mother asked me to cook dinner. I was watching our daughter and cooking. My wife was mad because I was cooking and not hanging out with her. So dinner was done, and I asked my mother to watch our daughter while I went to find my wife and son. I walked around the house and then went over to the neighbors. I had no idea where they were, so I walked back to the house. Just as I got back, I see my wife standing with my daughter. She said, "aren't you going to watch her, I've been watching her for ever." 

I was very mad. I was with her 3m before and cooking would've been a lot easier without her. I have no idea where my wife was, but she wasn't with my daughter. I didn't say anything until later, and I guess at that point she didn't quite remember how long she was with our daughter. 

I have a million examples. I don't shun responsibilities, but she gives me zero credit for what I do. And she's rude about it. 

I guess I just should've started this whole thing by asking how to make my wife less rude. I continue to try to ease her responsibilities, but it doesn't help. All that's left is laundry (I've begun ironing my clothes)and the house cleaning(She's said she noticed me doing more around the house). 

She wants me to hire a housekeeper.


----------



## lessthennone (Jun 19, 2014)

PBear said:


> Based on your last/longer post... Have you ever read "No More Mr. Nice Guy" or "Married Man's Sex Life Primer"?
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



I read MMSLP. It has helped with the sex. Other aspects not so much.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You seem to spend a disproportionate amount of time trying to "please" your wife. You may want to try the other book too. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Go to this site and see if the stories resonate with you: 

Acts like Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde? | BPDFamily


----------



## lessthennone (Jun 19, 2014)

PBear said:


> You seem to spend a disproportionate amount of time trying to "please" your wife. You may want to try the other book too.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I don't disagree. What do I say when she says "you don't do anythign for me.":scratchhead:

Besides, of course, the thing I really want to say.


----------



## lessthennone (Jun 19, 2014)

COguy said:


> Go to this site and see if the stories resonate with you:
> 
> Acts like Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde? | BPDFamily


Lol! They resonate, but they aren't my wife's traits. Other family members, absolutely.

Her problem is slightly different, but I don't think it's anything I can fix. Just the mere suggestion of a problem is too critical for her to handle.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

lessthennone said:


> I don't disagree. What do I say when she says "you don't do anythign for me.":scratchhead:
> 
> Besides, of course, the thing I really want to say.


How about "I'm sorry you feel that way." And then do what you feel is right, even when her panties get all knotted up. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

lessthennone said:


> Lol! They resonate, but they aren't my wife's traits. Other family members, absolutely.
> 
> Her problem is slightly different, but I don't think it's anything I can fix. Just the mere suggestion of a problem is too critical for her to handle.


Well from your posts I'd say you struggle with codependency, and it sounds like she's got some issues she's wrestling with. If other family members deal with BPD there's a good chance she's struggling with a Cluster B Personality Disorder (Narcissism, borderline, histrionic, or anti-social, or a combination).

It doesn't have to be Borderline. Hallmarks of these crazies include the black and white thinking, instantaneous mood shifts, temper tantrums, lack of empathy, manipulation, isolating you from friends and family (ruining your time with friends and family), rewriting history, constant list of generic grievances.

The biggest trait is a very fast escalation of relationships. If you met your wife and got married quickly in a whirlwind of perfection and passion, you might want to spend some more time looking into it.

My ex doesn't fit the BPD profile but she has characteristics and traits from several Cluster B PDs, and the stories from others could have been written about me. This realization really helped me enforce my personal boundaries and got me on the path to stopping the abuse (which I didn't know I was being emotionally abused at the time).


----------

