# what do you need from your wife?



## bluebutterfly0808 (Aug 18, 2008)

just wanted to see from the other side - what are the most important things you men are looking for from your wife? (just trying to view things from his side to make our relationship better since it seems we men & women view things so differently.) thanks!


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

The same things women desire from their husbands. Love, support, intimacy, friendship, conversation, partnership, trust, attention, respect… I think men and women both desire the same things but they may be in different orders. I wrote these down without prioritization, just wrote them as they came into my mind. Next month they may come out in a different order. These things fluctuate with the environment and issues you are dealing with at the time. But in general I would say the top three are always the same for me.


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## bluebutterfly0808 (Aug 18, 2008)

Amplexor said:


> The same things women desire from their husbands. Love, support, intimacy, friendship, conversation, partnership, trust, attention, respect… I think men and women both desire the same things but they may be in different orders.


as soon as i wrote the thread, i had a feeling that is the response i was going to get! i suppose it is all common sense when we stop & think about it!

any specific ways that you love how your wife shows you love, support, inimacy, friendship, etc.? (ie - when you get home from work, your wife .....; after the kids go to sleep, my wife.....) i am just looking for a new approach to get a different reaction from my husband. we are always so bogged down by everyday life that i often forget how to show him all of those things besides cooking, sex, etc. thanks!


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## Dancing Nancie (Jul 1, 2008)

I think the things we need from our wife's are very similar. I think where the differences start to come into play is how we show them. 

My wife may think that showing affection is getting me special candy while shopping, while I consider a long deep kiss affection.


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## bluebutterfly0808 (Aug 18, 2008)

that's kinda what i mean - what really makes you men take a step back & think "wow, my wife really loves me!"?


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## Dancing Nancie (Jul 1, 2008)

Well for me there are a few things sexually that really hit me like that. I am a physical being so those are important. I also love when she opens up and tells me something about herself or our marriage without me asking. Right now that has been a tough task for her. Those two are probably neck and neck for what gives me the love tingles. 

I also love the little things. I love when she pre-makes the coffee, or rubs my shoulders, or lets me just sit on my lazy butt and relax after a long day.


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## bluebutterfly0808 (Aug 18, 2008)

thanks! i think i do a pretty good job with all of those things you are mentioning! my H is also a physical being so i'm always looking for ways to spice things up. i also love to catch him off guard by stepping out of my comfort zone. i may laugh while doing it but we always end up having fun (or just having a good laugh!).


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## Chopblock (Mar 21, 2008)

you sound like you should be the one telling other wives what to do. You already know to give him exciting spontaneous sex, and cook food for him. Really those things are like 75% of what most men yearn for.

The often quoted book "the 5 love languages" is good for figuring out exactly what people value. I also use the quote "pay your partner in his/her currency". I mean, if you spend time making the bed each day, while your partner is indifferent about a made bed, you'll resent him/her because you feel you aren't getting the thanks for your work. In actuality, time is better spent figuring that instead of making the bed, your spouse would much rather you fix breakfast (or whatever).

So yeah -- I too am physical, and when my gf offers me "free" sex (that doesn't come with a price, or a bargain) and is exciting and spontaneous rather than formulaic, I think "wow, she's a keeper". When she actually acknowledges that I'm right about things that I'm sick of fighting over (ie: maybe we DON'T need to buy new furniture, we can just spruce up what we have, then we could save and pay down debt) I think "wow, she is a keeper".

Another way to look at this is to think about what men HATE about their wives, and then DON'T do that! Example: when men are trying to relax, women tend to think it means that they are available to do a long list of chores she's been fuming over for days. Instead of going "darling, can you get to that faucet, then fix the hinges, then mow the lawn, then..." just LET HIM RELAX.


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## bluebutterfly0808 (Aug 18, 2008)

thanks chopblock! i like to think i'm a great wife! the problem is that things still need a lot of work in our relationship. things have been terrible for the past year & a half! i think we're just good at pretending things are ok or ignoring the problems. i hate to be a nag! therefore, i became a pushover! i never bug him when he's relaxing, doing sports, etc. sex is never attached to any deal or bargain! i love when it's spontaneous as well! i am super easygoing & don't mind if everything isn't in perfect order. i just let him be, but over time, he let a lot go with the house, me & the kids. he was kinda what you would call MIA for a while. he is getting better - coaching the kids sports & things. don't get me wrong, he is a very good dad, hard worker, wonderful provider, etc. i guess we are just trying to find our way back to a better place. that's why i asked my original question, because i believe that for our family to be happy & work, we both need to be happy first! basically, i want him to put me first (not in what he does for me) in his thoughts when making plans, etc. just as well, i need to put him first, which i believe i do. i just want to feel like i am #1 on the list! i don't want my _ _ _ kissed either, so please don't take it the wrong way. it's just that i have taken a back seat for so long to so many things, i feel that i, & we, deserve it! i suppose i felt that if i did everything right & approached him in the right way instead of bottling up resentment & expecting him to read me, things would fall in place!?:scratchhead:


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## carmaenforcer (Mar 7, 2008)

*bluebutterfly0808*



> i suppose i felt that if i did everything right & approached him in the right way instead of bottling up resentment & expecting him to read me, things would fall in place!?


I would have thought the same thing as you did. I think anyone with a moral code and an understanding of the concept of fairness would feel the same. My Wife gets more out of me when she plays by the fairness book, I'm a stickler to it and will rarely break the rules. If she does her part I will do mine with little to no groaning, when she slacks off, as she usually does, I slack off.

To quote *Amplexor*


> Love, support, intimacy, friendship, conversation, partnership, trust, attention, respect…


I guess it was implied, but SEX would be good too. j/k


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## Chopblock (Mar 21, 2008)

Just remember that sometimes you can do all the right things, and STILL lose. Its great that you want to be an even better wife (you sound pretty darn good already -- better than 9/10ths of the wives out there) but maybe this guy is just going to take it for granted.


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## carmaenforcer (Mar 7, 2008)

I agree with what Chopblock stated


> sometimes you can do all the right things, and STILL lose.


I feel like no matter what I do, I STILL loose, so the next logical step is to stop trying. That's where I am right now.


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## bluebutterfly0808 (Aug 18, 2008)

Chopblock said:


> Just remember that sometimes you can do all the right things, and STILL lose. Its great that you want to be an even better wife (you sound pretty darn good already -- better than 9/10ths of the wives out there) but maybe this guy is just going to take it for granted.


i suppose that is what i am afraid of. i am not perfect! we have a very messy house & that is something i would love to change. it just seems very hard to get a handle on since we have 4 kids, our own business (which i do all accounting, answer phones-basically any behind the scenes work for it is on my shoulders), etc. i try so hard & rarely sit to relax. i am on the go & never quit until it's bed time! i am the one who makes sure all homework is done (3 kids are in school), bathtime is taken care of, clean up from dinner, laundry, put the kids to bed, take care of our baby in the midst of all of this, etc. and somehow, the house stilll seems to be in disarray!

i believe you hit the nail on the head when you say he takes me for granted! just when i think we are having a breakthrough, things just seem to slide back to the way they always are. when i ask him about helping out a bit more with the kids, house, etc. he always finds a reason that he is busy, stressed, etc. & i feel then like i add to the stress. that's when i go into superwoman mode & try to do it all! but i am tired & in light of this summer's happenings (have to read my other posts), i am emotionally drained!!!!!! 

i always try to tell him that he should be glad that i talk to him when i am frustrated because there may come a day when i quit talking, & if that day ever comes, it will be too late for him. i guess i talk a good talk!

oh well, for now i will try to continue to be superwoman to everyone else!

thanks for all your support & replies!


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## bluebutterfly0808 (Aug 18, 2008)

carmaenforcer said:


> I feel like no matter what I do, I STILL loose, so the next logical step is to stop trying. That's where I am right now.


i feel that if i stop trying, it will be done.  i am the type of person that when i come to terms with something, it is over. i am not ready to give up on 12 years of & marriage with 4 children. i'm still trying to think longrun for now! i believe we can find a happy medium! i just have to figure out how to not be taken for granted!

thanks carmaenforcer!


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## bluebutterfly0808 (Aug 18, 2008)

carmaenforcer said:


> *bluebutterfly0808*
> 
> 
> 
> I would have thought the same thing as you did. I think anyone with a moral code and an understanding of the concept of fairness would feel the same. My Wife gets more out of me when she plays by the fairness book, I'm a stickler to it and will rarely break the rules. If she does her part I will do mine with little to no groaning, when she slacks off, as she usually does, I slack off.


how do you figure out what is fair for one or the other to have as their responsibilities???


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## brad (Jul 31, 2008)

It sounds like you are taking your family and responsibilities as a wife seriously and he is not.

Mabe he doesnt have a healthy amount of confidence and sees you as this superwoman and he cant handle it. So he just goes on cruise control instead of trying to figure out how he could add to all what your doing. some guys get intiminated by women like you. See what you can do to appeal to his ego without compromising yourself.


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## bluebutterfly0808 (Aug 18, 2008)

brad said:


> It sounds like you are taking your family and responsibilities as a wife seriously and he is not.
> 
> Mabe he doesnt have a healthy amount of confidence and sees you as this superwoman and he cant handle it. So he just goes on cruise control instead of trying to figure out how he could add to all what your doing. some guys get intiminated by women like you. See what you can do to appeal to his ego without compromising yourself.


thanks for your reply. here's the thing. i am independent - yes, a real superwoman - no! i feel like a ragged, rundown, wannabe superwoman who does not live up to the expectations of everyone. (i think my indepence sometimes makes me a doormat!) i am by no means organized or totally put together. usually, i just fly by the seat of my pants hoping to get "enough" done to not have total chaos. ie-the laundry is never done, there's always a mess in the kitchen, my at home office for our business is always a mess, house is never clean, last minute meals, etc., etc. (can you tell i am stressed beyond my limits?!!):crazy: 

i think the real problem is that my husband is involved in too many things outside of the house. he is a super confident person! i know he is definitely not intimidated by me or anyone. he has never backed down from anything! he's so confident that it bugs me sometimes! i could understand what you are saying if i always had everything in order, etc. but i am barely hanging on with everything that i am responsible for.

i just think he figures i am his one constant in life. he figures i'll always be there no matter what. that's how i end up being taken for granted & lonely! i think in looking back that i should've really taken a stand a long time ago but i guess when you are younger, you are a little nieve. now that we've been married for 12 years, i am sick of being last on the list. i know he loves me but come on!!!

trust me, i always appeal to his ego. sometimes i feel so pathetic because i get very little in return. maybe i am missing something! any ideas on how to appeal to his ego or get hime to not take me for granted?


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## carmaenforcer (Mar 7, 2008)

*bluebutterfly0808*

Just tell him what you need and want straight up and ask him to do the same and keep revising and addressing this issue. Communication...
Whatever is important to him is your responsibility and vice versa.
You don't get to decided if he should or shouldn't care about something and he doesn't get to choose what you should care or not care about. The trick is to start on each others side and try and meet in the middle.

This is just a theory I have, I have not been able to make it work the way I think it should, yet.


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## brad (Jul 31, 2008)

It does sound like he takes what you do for granted. Now after being togeather for a long time I do believe it's one of our human deficencies. How do you make yourself appealing again so he notices you? By getting your own life. do you have your own hobbies? Do you go out sometime with girlfriends? What appealed to your husband when you first met? You need to think outside the box. You've been a good mother and housewife for a long time. Begging and complaining will never work. It just drives a person away from you.


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## Honey (Sep 2, 2008)

what do you need from your wife? 

SEX :rofl:

No, for her to trust me, and believe in me. You know..all that good stuff.


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