# The Impact of Pornography on Marital Sex



## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

I found this and thought i would share it...

The Impact of Pornography on Marital Sex - Focus on the Family

The final, and perhaps most damaging, reason couples fall into the 20 Percent Club is involvement in pornography on the part of one or both partners. One of the devastating effects of pornography and other sexually explicit material is that it sabotages the ability to enjoy normal sex. In many marriages, the husband isn't interested in sex with his wife because he has been programmed to respond to a much higher level of erotic stimulation.

After viewing material filled with perfectly shaped women doing wild and perverse acts, a man naturally may have difficulty becoming stimulated by his 40-year-old average-looking, reserved wife. In his clinical research, Dr. Victor Cline described this progression as "escalation":

With the passage of time, the addicted person required rougher, more explicit, more deviant, and "kinky" kinds of sexual material to get their "highs" and "sexual turn-ons." It was reminiscent of individuals afflicted with drug addictions. Over time there is nearly always an increasing need for more of the stimulant to get the same initial effect.

Being married or in a relationship with a willing sexual partner did not solve their problem. Their addiction and escalation were mainly due to the powerful sexual imagery in their minds, implanted there by the exposure to pornography.

I have had a number of couple-clients where the wife tearfully reported that her husband preferred to masturbate to pornography than to make love to her.

Not only does porn present a higher level of sexual excitement than married sex, it also allows a man to have sex on his terms. Porn is always available, never too busy, and always inviting. It doesn't criticize, doesn't require foreplay or patience, isn't dependent on "feeling close," and never has a headache. When a guy is engaged in this type of sexual outlet, his sexuality becomes centered on his immediate needs and demands. The prospect of working through the messy issues of marital intimacy is pretty unattractive.

While reading through the possible reasons for your membership in the 20 Percent Club, you may find that your marriage fits into more than one of the categories. In fact, one cause for sexual role reversal may even feed into the others. For example, Brent naturally has a lower sex drive than the average man. He never compared himself with other men or thought anything of it until his new wife, Amy, began complaining about wanting sex more often. As a young husband, Brent has been thrown off balance by Amy's lack of sexual fulfillment. He feels like a failure as a husband. If he can't effectively meet his wife's sexual needs, he must be a loser. Because of his fear of inadequacy, he begins withdrawing from Amy, failing to assert himself in all areas of their marriage. What began as a bell-curve difference has snowballed into a serious marital issue.

As you seek to address these multiple issues in your relationship, define them without blame. Regardless of how you got where you are, assigning blame to each other will only hamper your efforts to heal. Neither you nor your husband consciously chose to have a low sex drive, go through depression, experience childhood trauma, or any of the other maladies that compromise your intimate life. Every couple has roadblocks to address, and this is yours.


*AND*

*Pornography and Virtual Infidelity*
http://www.focusonthefamily.com/mar...elity/pornography_and_virtual_infidelity.aspx

The photograph was invented in 1839, and in just 11 quick years the word “pornographer” was seeded into our dictionary—unaware of the Zeus-like power and combustive fury that was to come as virtual infidelity would some day be as close as a harmless-blue Click Here.

Once a loathsome industry of photographing haggard prostitutes with drunken johns, this underground market, now more acceptable and mainstream due largely to Hugh Hefner’s Playboy magazine (first edition 1953), is today an estimated $4.9 billion behemoth. Earlier this decade the domain name business.com was sold for a record $7.5 million, as sex.com was valued at $65 million. Perhaps we should call it the Intercoursenet instead, as an estimated 28,258 people every second, mostly men (72%) but also women (28%) view pornography. Every 39 minutes a new pornographic video is being created in the United States.

Christians Aren't Immune
Christians aren’t immune. When surveyed, 53% of men who attended Promise Keeper said they viewed pornography that week. More than 45% of Christians admit that pornography is a major problem in their home. An anonymous survey conducted recently by Pastors.com reported that 54% of pastors admitted viewing porn within the last year. In an online newsletter, 34% of female readers of Today’s Christian Woman admitted to intentionally accessing Internet porn. One out of every six women who read Today’s Christian Woman say they struggle with addiction to pornography (Today’s Christian Woman, Fall 2003).

If only virtual infidelity were limited to viewing strangers copulate in what was once considered a sacred act just a few decades ago. In order to save, heal and protect our marriages from porn, we need to adopt a broader understanding of this pernicious and slippery world, an understanding that currently and unfairly pins most virtual infidelity on husbands.

The fact remains that electronic media, which includes the Internet, hunts both genders. More and more women are not just viewing porn, they are entering anonymous chat rooms and are more likely to act out in real life what others just type about. And as marketers know, it has always been women who have fantasized about relationships with men other than their husbands through soap operas, not to mention romance novels and magazines such as Cosmopolitan and other little sisters of porn of another kind.

The virtual infidelity that separates husband from wife is more than visual, and has been since fantasy, escape, betrayal, and the need to be held, loved, and understood—in a word connected in body and soul, which is a gift from God. Think of virtual infidelity as anything—images, wood pulp with words on it, chat rooms with words in them—that replace your current spouse with someone else in the recesses of the undisclosed regions inside you, where discontent grows and festers into a new, ugly, and unintended creation.

Both Genders Are Tempted
As this series explains, virtual infidelity tempts both genders in similar and divergent ways. A husband’s temptation toward visual infidelity is erosive: visible from the outside and easier to spot. A wife’s temptation is more subtle and nuanced, making it corrosive: less visible, attacking from the inside and harder to spot, acknowledge and heal.

This double-bladed sword of virtual infidelity is the result of a good desire, human connection, gone in the wrong direction and missing its mark, which is part of the definition of sin. Deep physical and emotional connection can result in a blessed state of relaxation, escape, and elation (the French word for orgasm, La petite mort, means “little death” the loss of consciousness of the world around you). All are God-given, the result of his great love for us. These blessed gifts and connections create a kind of mini-vacation from the usual stress and strain of life that creates mysterious yet real bonds. Unfortunately, virtual infidelity tempts us to take mini-vacations with someone other than our spouse. We need to learn to take them with one another—a sacred and a times difficult act.

Solutions to virtual infidelity pivot from moving from illusion to reality and from a passive to an assertive stance in marriage. Husbands and wives need to bolster their courage and be honest about their intimacy desires, and at the same time, bolster their understanding and be realistic about that they should expect from a gender that is similar but also different.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

michzz said:


> Can you also provide a link to the impact of denying intimacy on marital sex?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That is an entirely different issue. It does not apply in my situation.:flowerkitty:


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

Focus on the Family is an extreme right wing christian group with a well known intolerant moral agenda when it comes to all matters sexual. Anything they put out on the subject would be to further that agenda and so should be considered suspect and very biased.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Mr B said:


> Focus on the Family is an extreme right wing christian group with a well known intolerant moral agenda when it comes to all matters sexual. Anything they put out on the subject would be to further that agenda and so should be considered suspect and very biased.


this is correct.......but every orginization has some sort of agenda.

focus on the family also stress how important sex is for the husband and tries to explain it to the christan women


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

And from a religious aspect masturbation is also wrong..


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

michzz said:


> WHICH religion?
> 
> It depends...


I think it's just the Catholics.


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## DoRight (Dec 10, 2011)

I could write a similar article regarding the impact of romance novels and vampire movies on females. 

Not only do vampires present a higher level of romantic excitement than married sex, it also allows a woman to have romantic expectations on her terms. Handsome vampires always have perfect hair and are always available, never too busy, and always talk in that low, inviting voice. VAmpires do not criticize, rarely want sex, and then it is just to procreate. When a woman is engaged in this type of unrealistic fantasy, her ideas on normal relationships become distorted. The prospect of facing a messy husband with the messy issues of marital intimacy is pretty unattractive. Eventually the man can no longer satisfy his wife's ideal of real everyday human interaction and sexuality. She craves the vampire more than her mate.

Anyway, pornography is usually not the issue. Usually there are other things going on in the relationship that manifest themselves in the form of infrequent sex and the use of porn.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

michzz said:


> WHICH religion?
> 
> It depends...


most of them...


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

DoRight said:


> I could write a similar article regarding the impact of romance novels and vampire movies on females.
> 
> Not only do vampires present a higher level of romantic excitement than married sex, it also allows a woman to have romantic expectations on her terms. Handsome vampires always have perfect hair and are always available, never too busy, and always talk in that low, inviting voice. VAmpires do not criticize, rarely want sex, and then it is just to procreate. When a woman is engaged in this type of unrealistic fantasy, her ideas on normal relationships become distorted. The prospect of facing a messy husband with the messy issues of marital intimacy is pretty unattractive. Eventually the man can no longer satisfy his wife's ideal of real everyday human interaction and sexuality. She craves the vampire more than her mate.
> 
> Anyway, pornography is usually not the issue. Usually there are other things going on in the relationship that manifest themselves in the form of infrequent sex and the use of porn.


ok here we go again with the twilight saga crap...

I dont read romance books.. never have, never will.


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## cloudwithleggs (Oct 13, 2011)

I stopped right there and laugh when it said about the perfectly shaped women in porn , how comes women take the blame , there is also some very very perfectly formed men in porn , fans herself.

actually I have never seen perfect ppl in porn , I think this is all way over the top.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

ladybird said:


> ok here we go again with the twilight saga crap...
> 
> I dont read romance books.. never have, never will.


but many women do.

and in my opinion its a valid argument.

reading erotica for many women is like looking at porn for many men.

both could be unhealty for a marriage.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

chillymorn said:


> but many women do.
> 
> and in my opinion its a valid argument.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

Anything can be taken to excess and can therefore supplant intimacy, whether emotional or physical, within a marriage.

It doesn't even have to be related to erotica - think of someone who constantly has their nose in a video game or a TV show or facebook or any of a 100 different things and essentially ignore their spouse.


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## annagarret (Jun 12, 2011)

michzz said:


> Maybe not, but it tends to be a back and forth issue linked to the one you identified.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## annagarret (Jun 12, 2011)

Mr B said:


> Focus on the Family is an extreme right wing christian group with a well known intolerant moral agenda when it comes to all matters sexual. Anything they put out on the subject would be to further that agenda and so should be considered suspect and very biased.



But they are CORRECT on the destruction of marriages caused by excessive porn use by EITHER spouse and they try to really help couples by showing compassion and mercy to them


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## annagarret (Jun 12, 2011)

ladybird said:


> And from a religious aspect masturbation is also wrong..


Actually, masturbation is NOT condemned in the Bible. James Dobson is one of the only Christian authors to DEFEND masturbation. He feels it can help young men and women control their strong sexual appetite before marriage and inside marriage to allow it ONLY when you focus on your spouse. Thinking of another when masturbating, according to him and scripture is wrong because it is mentally bringing a third person into the marriage bed. Even though it is extremely hard NOT to fantasize about another when masturbating, I am CERTAINLY guilty of this too, it is what we should strive for to keep our thoughts focused on our spouse. I am a Christian and it is very, very hard not too...my mind likes the fantasy and variety......

The whole book of Song of Songs (solomon) in the Bible is about sex and shares how the young wife wakes up from an erotic dream of her lover and starts touching her wetness, Song of Songs (solomon) 4:5-6.

The book also encourages oral sex......my fav..Song of Songs 4:16 and 5:1......


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Mr B said:


> Focus on the Family is an extreme right wing christian group with a well known intolerant moral agenda when it comes to all matters sexual. Anything they put out on the subject would be to further that agenda and so should be considered suspect and very biased.


Yes, I was going to say this. I suspect they also would say that contraception hurts the family, and does pretty much anything thar doesn't fit into their religion driven agenda.

I don't believe porn exposure makes men or women unable to engage successfully in sex with their partner. For most people. True there are people with addictive personalities that push aside the real for the addiction, but that goes for a ton of things from Soap Operas, to gambling, to too much exercise, to triathlon fanatics, to car junkies, to anything the person decides to put their passion into other than their SO.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

DoRight said:


> I could write a similar article regarding the impact of romance novels and vampire movies on females.
> 
> Not only do vampires present a higher level of romantic excitement than married sex, it also allows a woman to have romantic expectations on her terms. Handsome vampires always have perfect hair and are always available, never too busy, and always talk in that low, inviting voice. VAmpires do not criticize, rarely want sex, and then it is just to procreate. When a woman is engaged in this type of unrealistic fantasy, her ideas on normal relationships become distorted. The prospect of facing a messy husband with the messy issues of marital intimacy is pretty unattractive. Eventually the man can no longer satisfy his wife's ideal of real everyday human interaction and sexuality. She craves the vampire more than her mate.
> 
> Anyway, pornography is usually not the issue. Usually there are other things going on in the relationship that manifest themselves in the form of infrequent sex and the use of porn.


Not to mention when they do have sex it is do good the woman gives up her mortal soul for it. No performance problems there!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## OutdoorsRus (Oct 1, 2011)

The history of Onan described in the Bible and referred to in this thread ("spilling the seed") has nothing to do with masturbation. It was all about God's provision for widows and Onan's refusal to follow God's direction. It was an act of rebellion, not masturbation. It was also heartless and anti-social, as offspring
was a widow's guarantee of being cared for in old age.

Is masturbation a sin? It certainly can be, depending on the circumstances...what are you looking at? But it can also be a harmless release of healthy natural desire; a desire that God created.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Mr B said:


> Focus on the Family is an extreme right wing christian group with a well known intolerant moral agenda when it comes to all matters sexual. Anything they put out on the subject would be to further that agenda and so should be considered suspect and very biased.


Thank you.

I wouldn`t read another line Dobson ever wrote.

Drivel.


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

annagarret said:


> But they are CORRECT on the destruction of marriages caused by excessive porn use by EITHER spouse and they try to really help couples by showing compassion and mercy to them


They are INCORRECT, however, in their conclusion that the key element in their premise is "porn" and not "excess." As touched upon in this thread, *anything* done in excess, to the exclusion of one's spouse, can have that same impact on a marriage...even excessive involvement in religion.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tjohnson (Mar 10, 2010)

ladybird said:


> I found this and thought i would share it...
> 
> The Impact of Pornography on Marital Sex - Focus on the Family
> 
> ...


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

Porn has never caused a problem in my marriage. I watch it on average of 3-4 times a month;only when I am aroused and my husband is sleeping or not at home. 

The porn I like is very tame, (males performing cunnilingus) so I am used to enjoying the same acts that I watch. No movie on my computer can replace my husband. :smthumbup:


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

Porn has caused a lot of damage in my marriage.. That is why i posed it for other people who need help dealing with the **** it causes.


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

ladybird said:


> Porn has caused a lot of damage in my marriage.. That is why i posed it for other people who need help dealing with the **** it causes.


Porn causes nothing. People's use (or rather, misuse) of porn, however, does.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

ladybird said:


> ok here we go again with the twilight saga crap...
> 
> I dont read romance books.. never have, never will.


:rofl::rofl::rofl:

How they equate porn with romance novels or Twilight, I'll never understand, have never read/seen either, but am pretty sure there's no perfectly tanned/implanted blonde extensioned bombshell getting it up the arse while screaming feck me more, feck me HARDDDD!!!! OOOOOaaaouuuuuu!!!!!

:lol:


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

CandieGirl said:


> :rofl::rofl::rofl:
> 
> How they equate porn with romance novels or Twilight, I'll never understand, have never read/seen either, but am pretty sure there's no perfectly tanned/implanted blonde extensioned bombshell getting it up the arse while screaming feck me more, feck me HARDDDD!!!! OOOOOaaaouuuuuu!!!!!
> 
> :lol:


It's not about the specific content. It's about erotic/sexual fiction/fantasy that, for some, is misused and supplants that connection with one's partner. Just as you say you don't get the correlation, there are some (myself included) who would say that don't get how you don't get the correlation. To illustrate, there are quite a few women who will say they find porn disgusting and don't understand what men see in it...then turn around and get caught up in a steamy page-turner. Or the sexual shenanigans of their favorite soap opera (daytime or primetime). Or, yes, the trials and tribulations of a teenage girl whose affections are sought by a dreamy vampire and hunky werewolf. They're merely different "flavors" of the same type of mind-candy.

I do give you credit for maintaining consistency, in that you don't see the appeal in any of those "flavors" of fiction designed to arouse. I've not encountered many who can say the same.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

CandieGirl said:


> How they equate porn with romance novels or Twilight, I'll never understand...


As long as everybody sticks to the dictionary definition of the word there's no comparison at all.

An awful lot of people seem to have their own personal definition of the word though.




Grayson said:


> It's not about the specific content.


Yes. the etymology of the word is actually a reference to written material rather than pictures. (Fusion of πορνή (Prostitute) with γραφος (writing) and literally meant "Writings of prostitutes.")


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

Grayson said:


> Porn causes nothing. People's use (or rather, misuse) of porn, however, does.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



:iagree:
It is the same way I feel about the belief that Facebook breaks up marriages. A simple tool such as FB or porn cannot ruin a marriage; it is what people do with these things.


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

ocotillo said:


> Yes. the etymology of the word is actually a reference to written material rather than pictures. (Fusion of πορνή (Prostitute) with γραφος (writing) and literally meant "Writings of prostitutes.")


In the context of this discussion (and the larger point I'm making), I don't recall anyone saying the romance novels, sparkly-fairy-vampire novels & movies, soaps, etc *are* what is commonly referred to as porn, but rather that, in terms of the material's intent and implementation is equivalent. The principal difference being that "porn" tends to be more visually-oriented, while the novels, shows, etc. tend to be more narrative- or mentally-driven; as such, "porn" emphasizes the physical aspects of sexuality while the other emphasizes the emotional.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

I was actually agreeing with your earlier thought:



Grayson said:


> Just as you say you don't get the correlation, there are some (myself included) who would say that don't get how you don't get the correlation.


When a romance novel becomes sexually explicit (And there are certainly some that do) it qualifies as pornography by any objective definition. The word was originally coined to describe stories created for prurient entertainment.

When you couple this with the "popular" definition of pornography, which is pretty much any material that may cause sexual arousal whatsoever, (Even if it's not sexually explicit) the correlation becomes even more glaring.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Whatever, guys...whatever...all I know is that I'm not getting any because my husband has pretty much killed off whatever sex drive he had left, masturbating to porn. If I were to pick up some erotic literature TODAY - I'd be going nuts, all over my husband, wanting to screw his brains out. When I get turned on, I need a MAN, and I need one fast...sitting in a darkened room, alone, with a book in one had, and my cl!t in another (by myself) just wouldn't cut it. Ever.


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

And, that's a fair statement. Not everyone responds exactly the same way to such stimulation. That doesn't mean that there's no correlation between different forms of stimulation.

And, you are correct in saying that your situation is because if your husband's choices and actions. Porn didn't do it...he did it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Grayson said:


> And, that's a fair statement. Not everyone responds exactly the same way to such stimulation. That doesn't mean that there's no correlation between different forms of stimulation.
> 
> And, you are correct in saying that your situation is because if your husband's choices and actions. Porn didn't do it...he did it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thanks - Also, I am pretty confident that I could sit at my desk on a break and read 'Twilight' or vampire whatever, and not get fired...not so for internet porn, say...

He did it all right. And did it. And did it. And did it. Now, he can't do it anymore!

:banghead::banghead:


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

CandieGirl said:


> Thanks - Also, I am pretty confident that I could sit at my desk on a break and read 'Twilight' or vampire whatever, and not get fired...not so for internet porn, say...


Depends. Are you looking up the Internet porn on your work computer or your phone? ;-)

Case in point, one afternoon, my wife and I carried on an IM conversation via phone using pictures we found online of what we'd like to do to one another. Happened on the clock (including locating the pics), but none of it happened on the work computer. Meanwhile, depending on your company's Internet policy, don't try to download an e-book of anything, even a kids' book, on your work computer.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Grayson said:


> Depends. Are you looking up the Internet porn on your work computer or your phone? ;-)
> 
> Case in point, one afternoon, my wife and I carried on an IM conversation via phone using pictures we found online of what we'd like to do to one another. Happened on the clock (including locating the pics), but none of it happened on the work computer. Meanwhile, depending on your company's Internet policy, don't try to download an e-book of anything, even a kids' book, on your work computer.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I am guilty of being bored at work and looking up dirty stories on my phone...gets me hot to trot. Then I go home and get turned down! Wahhhhhhh!!!!

:lol:


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## some_guy (Dec 29, 2011)

CandieGirl said:


> I am guilty of being bored at work and looking up dirty stories on my phone...gets me hot to trot. Then I go home and get turned down! Wahhhhhhh!!!!
> 
> :lol:


CG, I KNOW what you mean!


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

Ok i understand it is not so much the porn, it is my husbands choices.. Just like face book doesn't ruin a marriage the persons choices ruins a marriage.

I have also thought of getting rid of the internet in my house.. but then he would just find another way to view the ****...It makes me sick!!

I have been neglected for a long time and I don't mean only sexually. He knows we are having problems and he doesn't give a crap.. As soon as I walk out the door to do an errand he gets on his computer and goes to town. I dont even want to leave the freaking house anymore...


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

ladybird said:


> Ok i understand it is not so much the porn, it is my husbands choices.. Just like face book doesn't ruin a marriage the persons choices ruins a marriage.


Certain things DO facilitate ruining a marriage tho...just sayin!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

CandieGirl said:


> Certain things DO facilitate ruining a marriage tho...just sayin!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Change that "DO" to "CAN," and we're in agreement. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Grayson said:


> Change that "DO" to "CAN," and we're in agreement.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


We should agree to disagree! ;-)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

CandieGirl said:


> We should agree to disagree! ;-)
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Don't think I can do that in this case. "Some things DO..." implies an inevitability...a certainty that, say in the context of this discussion, porn inevitably, without fail WILL facilitate ruining a marriage. I know, and I think you do, too, that this is not the case.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## annagarret (Jun 12, 2011)

Grayson said:


> Porn causes nothing. People's use (or rather, misuse) of porn, however, does.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You are streamlined then.....a product of our country.......


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

The issue is more about the lack of reality and the acceptance as fantasy as reality that causes a lot of problems in marriage. Having unrealistic expectations of any kind (about sex, romance, your partner's appearance, etc.) creates problems in marriage.

The bottom line is that some folks can't deal with reality and want things that are not based in reality. When that becomes obsession, it can negatively impact the marriage.


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## johniori1 (Dec 28, 2011)

it tends to be a back and forth issue linked to the one you identified.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Grayson said:


> Don't think I can do that in this case. "Some things DO..." implies an inevitability...a certainty that, say in the context of this discussion, porn inevitably, without fail WILL facilitate ruining a marriage. I know, and I think you do, too, that this is not the case.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I don't know...maybe I'm the wrong person to ask at the moment...whether it's porn, Facebook, texts from some ugly old broad from Squamish...these things in my humble opinion, most of the time, cause problems in marriage. At least, they're causing problems in mine! So I suppose it's hard for me to look at the flip side of the coin and say it's all about choice that the errant husband (in my case) is making. If these things weren't present, at least we wouldn't have those particular problems. But like anything else, if there wasn't porn, there'd be something else.

Nobody's perfect - there will always be challenges in any marriage. I don't know if it's because I'm older now, but it seems to me that the challenges are greater - and more abundant!


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

CandieGirl said:


> I don't know...maybe I'm the wrong person to ask at the moment...whether it's porn, Facebook, texts from some ugly old broad from Squamish...these things in my humble opinion, most of the time, cause problems in marriage. At least, they're causing problems in mine! So I suppose it's hard for me to look at the flip side of the coin and say it's all about choice that the errant husband (in my case) is making. If these things weren't present, at least we wouldn't have those particular problems. But like anything else, if there wasn't porn, there'd be something else.
> 
> Nobody's perfect - there will always be challenges in any marriage. I don't know if it's because I'm older now, but it seems to me that the challenges are greater - and more abundant!


In all sincerity, I continue to be impressed with your willingness to acknowledge that your own situation can color your perceptions on the matter. Not many (that I've seen, anyway) can do that. Or, at least, they're unwilling to do that.

I can certainly understand the feeling that challenges to a marriage seem greater and more abundant. Personally, I don't think it's the challenges themselves that have escalated, but rather that the methods people can use to address or ignore - for good or ill - those challenges have become more plentiful and easier to use. From my perspective - and I'm speaking as a betrayed spouse here - these methods are only as benign or harmful as the user allows them to be. In your case, your husband has allowed it to become harmful. My wife didn't use porn to drive a wedge between us...it was all manner of electronic communication - texts, phone, email, Facebook - to engage in EA's. But none of those things are the CAUSE of her EA's...they were the tools with which she carried them out. The responsibility for doing so rests squarely on her shoulders.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Grayson said:


> In all sincerity, I continue to be impressed with your willingness to acknowledge that your own situation can color your perceptions on the matter. Not many (that I've seen, anyway) can do that. Or, at least, they're unwilling to do that.
> 
> I can certainly understand the feeling that challenges to a marriage seem greater and more abundant. Personally, I don't think it's the challenges themselves that have escalated, but rather that the methods people can use to address or ignore - for good or ill - those challenges have become more plentiful and easier to use. From my perspective - and I'm speaking as a betrayed spouse here - these methods are only as benign or harmful as the user allows them to be. In your case, your husband has allowed it to become harmful. My wife didn't use porn to drive a wedge between us...it was all manner of electronic communication - texts, phone, email, Facebook - to engage in EA's. But none of those things are the CAUSE of her EA's...they were the tools with which she carried them out. The responsibility for doing so rests squarely on her shoulders.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes, it was her responsibility...but 15 years ago, before emails, texts, facebook, etc, did we even know the term EA? How would she have carried on an EA without these tools to facilitate the process? Would it have turned PA quickly? These days, it seems, EA's are carried out right under the LS's nose...


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

CandieGirl said:


> Yes, it was her responsibility...but 15 years ago, before emails, texts, facebook, etc, did we even know the term EA? How would she have carried on an EA without these tools to facilitate the process? Would it have turned PA quickly? These days, it seems, EA's are carried out right under the LS's nose...


I get what you're saying, but still hold with the opinion that the challenges themselves that marriages face remain the same. It's the outlets that one spouse (or both) might take to escape those challenges that have expanded. In the past, I'd wager that most of the EA's that we see currently would have been PA's. Current technology simply provides a larger pool to carry on an affair, EA or PA. I'd agree that the ease of communication makes it easier for a disloyal spouse to fool him-/herself into thinking that, because there's been no physical contact, that they've done nothing wrong. The challenge is still the same - at its simplest, dissatisfaction with the marriage. But there are quick and easy tools that can be used by the disloyal spouse to - inappropriately, to be sure - treat the symptoms rather than the problem.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

CandieGirl said:


> If I were to pick up some erotic literature TODAY - I'd be going nuts, all over my husband, wanting to screw his brains out.


For most men, the reverse is true as well. Masturbation is an extremely pale shadow of the real thing. --Something that only happens when a willing wife is recovering from an episiotomy, major surgery, prolonged illness etc. 

I feel really bad for any woman who's husband can't or won't see that.


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## speakingforsomemen (Dec 12, 2011)

Boring! Men simply get tired of one woman. It is in our genes. Continue your online search and open your mind. Look at evolution, look where men were 10,000 years ago and look how the fundamentalists on the Mayflower screwed up life for men for many generations to come. They were afflicted with their religion and wrote rules that became accepted by our society and now men are punished. I am not proposing anarchy, multiple partners, but I am simply asking that people wake up and look at the biology of men and women and stop putting unreasonable restrictions on men. Happy New Year.


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

ocotillo said:


> For most men, the reverse is true as well. Masturbation is an extremely pale shadow of the real thing. --Something that only happens when a willing wife is recovering from an episiotomy, major surgery, prolonged illness etc.


Indeed. I'd also factor in some self-managing having a higher drive than their wife. That's pretty much our situation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

ocotillo said:


> For most men, the reverse is true as well. Masturbation is an extremely pale shadow of the real thing. --Something that only happens when a willing wife is recovering from an episiotomy, major surgery, prolonged illness etc.
> 
> I feel really bad for any woman who's husband can't or won't see that.


:iagree:

BUT (and there's always a but)

Case 1:

I just finished work - If I go straight home now, chances are he'll be too tired out from the computer to bother with me...you know, he won't be able to perform...

Case 2:

He just finished work - he comes home, I've started without him. Lucky him! We keep on going, and he doesn't even have to bother warming me up.

It's just not the same - erotic lit/porn/masturbation is not a means to an end for us, as it is for guys...quick & dirty.

I really did just finish work - My husband is off today, but I'm not going to bother going home, I'm going to go to a friend's house and start celebrating the New Year early.

This whole entry has made me quite sad...


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

speakingforsomemen said:


> Boring! Men simply get tired of one woman. It is in our genes. Continue your online search and open your mind. Look at evolution, look where men were 10,000 years ago and look how the fundamentalists on the Mayflower screwed up life for men for many generations to come. They were afflicted with their religion and wrote rules that became accepted by our society and now men are punished. I am not proposing anarchy, multiple partners, but I am simply asking that people wake up and look at the biology of men and women and stop putting unreasonable restrictions on men. Happy New Year.


We get bored too...


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## FrankKissel (Nov 14, 2011)

speakingforsomemen said:


> Boring! Men simply get tired of one woman. It is in our genes. Continue your online search and open your mind. Look at evolution, look where men were 10,000 years ago and look how the fundamentalists on the Mayflower screwed up life for men for many generations to come.


Ignoring your butchering of history ... you do realize that the same evolutionary biology you cite to excuse bad behavior also says that women are programmed to find the men with the best genes and become impregnated by them.
So, I take it you wouldn't be upset if your wife/SO spreads her legs next time a burly handsome guy comes along and offers her some attention. After all, she's only doing what's natural.

Fortunately, the race has evolved quite a bit over the millenia and we're no longer slaves to our most primal urges.

Not to say men don't like looking at different women. We most certainly do. But let's not act like we just can't control ourselves.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

I have a much higher drive then my husband...

I have been going pretty much crazy for the last couple of years... It wasn't until i did a full data recovery scan on his computer.. To find out what he was doing... 

It has really effected the relationship I had with my husband.. Things are not the same and I am not sure they ever will be. I hate feeling like this... Like I can never leave the house, as soon as i do he gets on the computer.

I have gotten to the point where i no longer want to have sex with him. I feel that I am no longer good enough for him.. And that is a lot.. I went from wanting sex all the time to never. It has been that way for the last couple of months.

The choices one makes in a marriage effects both people involved. Not just the person making the choice.

Marriage is WE, not I

I no longer trust my Husband. That is not a great feeling to have.. It kills me.. My husband has pretty much killed what we had..


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## I Know (Dec 14, 2011)

CandieGirl said:


> Whatever, guys...whatever...all I know is that I'm not getting any because my husband has pretty much killed off whatever sex drive he had left, masturbating to porn. If I were to pick up some erotic literature TODAY - I'd be going nuts, all over my husband, wanting to screw his brains out. When I get turned on, I need a MAN, and I need one fast...sitting in a darkened room, alone, with a book in one had, and my cl!t in another (by myself) just wouldn't cut it. Ever.


I suggest you pick up some of that erotic lit TODAY! Bring it into the discussions you and H have about sex!


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## I Know (Dec 14, 2011)

ladybird said:


> With the passage of time, the addicted person required rougher, more explicit, more deviant, and "kinky" kinds of sexual material to get their "highs" and "sexual turn-ons." It was reminiscent of individuals afflicted with drug addictions. Over time there is nearly always an increasing need for more of the stimulant to get the same initial effect.
> 
> Being married or in a relationship with a willing sexual partner did not solve their problem. Their addiction and escalation were mainly due to the powerful sexual imagery in their minds, implanted there by the exposure to pornography.
> 
> ...



No no. A man just wants to get his wife in bed. She doesn't have to be kinky. Oral would be nice, but i could get over the lack if it applied. My wife is sooooo much better than any porn film actress could ever be. My wife is my partner. My wife has the power to make me happy. Question is: Will she take up the challenge of stepping outside of her comfort zone and give me oral. My wife and I are a team. When we have problems we talk about them and try to resolve. 

Everyone knows that people in porn share the same problems that everyone else in the USA does. those actors are just like anyone else. Men want their wives, not porn. Don't get these confused. Married folks need to wake up to what a great thing they have. You are married for god's sake. your intimacy is lying next to you in bed every night. Embrace it!!


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## Duman (Dec 10, 2011)

I appreciate Ladydird for making this .....

Thanks


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## janemilda (Dec 21, 2011)

Hubby and I both watch porn together occasionally.

I sometimes read erotic literature alone.

I don't think either negatively impact our marriage or our sex life. If anything, they enhance it.

However, neither of us use it obsessively. Neither of us are dependent on it. And neither of us have a problem confusing fiction with reality.

I strongly suspect that marriages affected negatively by pornography probably have deeper, underlying issues... whether with one partner or both.


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