# Christmas Sucks



## Tiredspouse0297 (Dec 9, 2010)

I'm feeling very alone today. We went over to my family's for dinner and I was reminded of how non-supportive they are in general. Then we went to my in-laws house where I felt horrible being around my husband's family. They are all so wonderful and kind and they love me and here I am thinking about leaving my husband. To top things off, he has been really nice to me for the last two weeks or so. This would be a good thing but I feel like he's only being nice because we've had sex more than usual and I think he became worried about my lack of emotions toward him. That might account for the more sex thing, haha. 
I don't even feel like bothering with marriage counseling. Right now I want to run away and be done with it all. I know that's not the right attitude to have but I can't seem to muster any kind of affection for him, even when he's being nice to me. Anyway, I guess I'm just emotionally vomiting into the cyber-world. I'm depressed and lonely, confused and feeling hopeless right now. 
Hope everyone had a better Christmas than me.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

Tiredspouse0297 said:


> I'm feeling very alone today. We went over to my family's for dinner and I was reminded of how non-supportive they are in general. Then we went to my in-laws house where I felt horrible being around my husband's family. They are all so wonderful and kind and they love me and here I am thinking about leaving my husband. To top things off, he has been really nice to me for the last two weeks or so. This would be a good thing but I feel like he's only being nice because we've had sex more than usual and I think he became worried about my lack of emotions toward him. That might account for the more sex thing, haha.
> I don't even feel like bothering with marriage counseling. Right now I want to run away and be done with it all. I know that's not the right attitude to have but I can't seem to muster any kind of affection for him, even when he's being nice to me. Anyway, I guess I'm just emotionally vomiting into the cyber-world. I'm depressed and lonely, confused and feeling hopeless right now.
> Hope everyone had a better Christmas than me.


I'm just sayin'....

have you explored getting a depression screening done. You sound unhappy overall.

I'm just sayin'....

I care.


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

Mine may have been a little worse. It was my first without stbxw or our daughter. My family lives hundreds of miles away so no relatives around other than hers (not an option). No one else invited me to spend it with them so I stayed at my apartment all day and cleaned and did laundry. I have very little money so I couldn't go out to do anything if I wanted to. I have no cable (can't afford it) so i just listened to music all day. I ate leftover dirty rice that I made last night. It was the longest day of my life.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

marksaysay said:


> Mine may have been a little worse. It was my first without stbxw or our daughter. My family lives hundreds of miles away so no relatives around other than hers (not an option). No one else invited me to spend it with them so I stayed at my apartment all day and cleaned and did laundry. I have very little money so I couldn't go out to do anything if I wanted to. I have no cable (can't afford it) so i just listened to music all day. I ate leftover dirty rice that I made last night. It was the longest day of my life.


God dude. I am so sorry. i really am. i wish i lived closer, we'd have sgared cable (or "it's a wonderful life") and french toast breakfast or spiral ham dinner. take care of yourself markss.


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## mentallydrained (Oct 7, 2010)

marksaysay said:


> Mine may have been a little worse. It was my first without stbxw or our daughter. My family lives hundreds of miles away so no relatives around other than hers (not an option). No one else invited me to spend it with them so I stayed at my apartment all day and cleaned and did laundry. I have very little money so I couldn't go out to do anything if I wanted to. I have no cable (can't afford it) so i just listened to music all day. I ate leftover dirty rice that I made last night. It was the longest day of my life.


Well...if any help, my H left to stay in a hotel room only 60 miles away with his son since Wed. through tomorrow. Only place open today for them was movies. They went to grociery and bought tv dinners for Christmas supper. Long story...but you weren't alone. At least not in spirit. If that's even right term to use.


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## mentallydrained (Oct 7, 2010)

Tiredspouse0297 said:


> I'm feeling very alone today. We went over to my family's for dinner and I was reminded of how non-supportive they are in general. Then we went to my in-laws house where I felt horrible being around my husband's family. They are all so wonderful and kind and they love me and here I am thinking about leaving my husband. To top things off, he has been really nice to me for the last two weeks or so. This would be a good thing but I feel like he's only being nice because we've had sex more than usual and I think he became worried about my lack of emotions toward him. That might account for the more sex thing, haha.
> I don't even feel like bothering with marriage counseling. Right now I want to run away and be done with it all. I know that's not the right attitude to have but I can't seem to muster any kind of affection for him, even when he's being nice to me. Anyway, I guess I'm just emotionally vomiting into the cyber-world. I'm depressed and lonely, confused and feeling hopeless right now.
> Hope everyone had a better Christmas than me.



Not sure of your situation but I'm soooo with you. My H wasn't here for our daughter at Christmas today and he has called each day says he misses us...and I can't find to say I miss him back. I have enjoyed my 'freedom' with him gone. No stress, no egg shells to walk on,and my DD and I had a blast the last few days. On one hand, I feel terrible as I know it hurts him deeply, on the other, he just doesn't get it, where I'm at, been, and headed. He's on one track and it's his and his only. 

Sorry yours was bad. Mine was too, til my DD lite up this morning and it's been wonderful all day with her.


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## Tiredspouse0297 (Dec 9, 2010)

Thanks all. I'm already on anti-depressants, life is just depressing as it is. 
I guess it could have been a lot worse, I could have been all alone or stuck in an apartment. I almost wish I could have taken my son and ran away for the day, between my crazy 13 yr old daughter and my husband and parents. Gah! 
I'm with you Emotional, my H is an emotional abuser and I still don't know what to do with him. I'm going to counseling next week to see if I can find some answers. It's really hard when he's been nice for 2-3 weeks. Still pulls some of his tricks but has been better. I should be feeling better about him but I'm not and then I feel guilty, like I'm not giving him a chance. I can't make myself feel though, even though it would be easier. All this just made Christmas really hard. I can see my family really doesn't believe/care that he's emotionally abusive nor will they support me if I leave. Then I go see his family and think of how much it would hurt them if I leave.  I'll get it figured out, someday. Hang in there Emotional.


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

My heart so goes out to all of you. We only seem to think of someone's "aloneness" during the holidays. My problem is I think of people's "aloneness" all the time. Maybe it's b/c I have a mentally ill daughter. She spent Christmas alone. Her choice, not mine. Watching her this last coupla years has brought other peoples issues to light for me (not meaning mental issues here). I just feel bad for people.

I wish I could open my home to anyone who wanted to come. I think I would be the one getting the bigger benefit, truly.


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## Tiredspouse0297 (Dec 9, 2010)

Thanks MM. At least I have my kids, even when they make me nuts. The worst for me is when you feel totally alone when you're surrounded by people. I always have an open door to my friends who are alone on the holidays. Sometimes those are the best celebrations! No drama...


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

Ooooh, I hear that. No drama. I'm going to go to a houseful of it on sunday when we go to my husband's mother's for their annual family reunion. I'm wondering if there's going to be liquor (I don't drink). 

My sister asked me where I'd likely be right now if my 10yo hadn't come along, and I had never met my SO. I told her I'd likely be sitting on a bar in some beer joint somewhere looking all hagged out and attempting to flirt with some old geezer just to get him to buy me a beer. We laughed at the thought of that. What's sad is it just might be true. 

And that feeling of being alone in a room full of people? Yep. Been there, done that. Hate every second of it. I read somewhere once that the worst loneliness was marital loneliness. That thing of having someone, but still being lonely. I spent 20 years in that kind of marriage. I think I agree with the marital loneliness thing. Awful that anyone should ever feel alone anyway, imho. We're social creatures. We need other people. But we need them CONNECTED.


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## Tiredspouse0297 (Dec 9, 2010)

Right now a trip by myself sounds amazing. I don't even know where I would go but somewhere warm and quiet would hit the spot right now.  Student loan money will be here soon but I'm putting that away in case I get the balls to leave in the next six months, lol. 
Yeah, I feel like I'm a big fake right now. Smile when I'm supposed to, kiss him when I'm supposed to, say I love you etc. At least when I'm alone I don't have to pretend. That's the easiest. I can't imagine 20 yrs of married loneliness. I need to finish up my last classes at school and get a full time job and be able to rent a house in this same area. Then I feel like I won't blow up my son's world as bad as it would be if I left now.


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## mentallydrained (Oct 7, 2010)

Tiredspouse0297 said:


> Right now a trip by myself sounds amazing. I don't even know where I would go but somewhere warm and quiet would hit the spot right now.  Student loan money will be here soon but I'm putting that away in case I get the balls to leave in the next six months, lol.
> Yeah, I feel like I'm a big fake right now. Smile when I'm supposed to, kiss him when I'm supposed to, say I love you etc. At least when I'm alone I don't have to pretend. That's the easiest. I can't imagine 20 yrs of married loneliness. I need to finish up my last classes at school and get a full time job and be able to rent a house in this same area. Then I feel like I won't blow up my son's world as bad as it would be if I left now.


Well...if anything, your not faking alone. H is back and all over me! He keeps telling me how he can't touch me as it turns him on. It's driving me nuts as I am not turned on at all. Came in house with big hug and kiss. I hugged and kissed back yet, my emotional feeling was not even close to what his was. I'm am so 110% the same as you. Smile, smooch, hug, all to keep the 'happiness' going for HIS sake. I do it to avoid further conflict or potential outrages. He even went as far to buy my mom a special gift and card. In the card he wrote her a note and part said he hopes no matter what happens in future, this gift will always remind her of the love she showed him and how much he loves her for being there. Mind you....he has never in 18yrs together bought or gave my mom a card or gift of any sorts! Partly I feel it was a 'feel guilty gift' so maybe she will 'be on his side' per say? Maybe not, but it is very very odd. She said she supports me no matter what. She is 64 and said she wants to live long enough to see me happy again. And if that means not married, she will support me of that. I feel guilty to knowing in my heart, theres no change. I told him after 1st I would go see his pastor with him for counseling session. Why? Because I still fear what other's think. Even my fakeness I guess. Figure this way, he can't say I didn't do what he ask of me. Problem being, I have some major resentment on this pastor, or at least from few things my H has said to me about his last meeting with him. Trying hard to get in mind set to give this pastor benefit of doubt. I've always said, being happy and enjoying your life, should not be so difficult. I am finding it easier to just be miserable for sake of everyone else around. Not good.


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## Tiredspouse0297 (Dec 9, 2010)

No doubt, we are on the same path. I'm actually very annoyed that he's being nice to me. I scared him when I said we needed to go to counseling. That was almost three weeks ago and I'm getting hugs and kisses and compliments, all I want to do is tell him to go away. I mean really? You were an ass for almost six years and now you're Mr. Wonderful? I'm also with you on the counseling. The only reason I'm doing it is so I can say I tried. When I left my ex I got all sorts of crap about not giving him a chance by going to counseling with him. 
I don't see the point in even going. Of course now I feel guilty because he's being nice and I don't feel anything for him. Never mind that he's the one who got me to this place. So here I sit in limbo, no full-time job, no money to leave and not knowing if I should leave or not. I would already have left if I could so now I don't know if this is just resignation or if I need to work on the marriage. I just don't want to hurt my kids, his family or him. It is easier sometimes to just be unhappy for the sake of others. We just need to have an escape plan.


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