# Getting criticism for being with a younger man.



## JustJilia (Jul 1, 2016)

While obviously not that common I am with a younger man, my 41 to his 29. He is really wonderful and we have been together coming on three years. He even asked me to marry him which I accepted. I was previously married to a man my age from 22 to 34 and he was a mean and hateful man that always put me down and would treat me terribly. 

I realize this is certainly not the norm but when I met him it was just casual friendship and we would laugh and joke around, three months later he asked me on a date, which hesitantly I accepted. Overtime he really showed how much he cared about me, when my car broke down he came and helped me out and has always been there for me, far more so than my ex ever was. 

We do so much together and have been on many trips. Admittedly I do make substantially more than him but it is not due to him being lazy or anything, he is working on working his way up in his career and he happily pays for many of our dates and other things. I just have to foot the bill on some of the more expensive things we have done such as an Alaskan cruise we went on, even then he said he didn't want me to but I insisted. 

We do live together, he moved into my place close to a year ago but he pays for what he wants and needs and doesn't ask me for money or anything. He recently set up a romantic dinner and asked me to marry him and I said yes. My sister and mother have been the most vocal crtics but it hasn't bothered me at all. I just think it's hypocritical that if this were a man my age with a woman his age people would hardly view it as a bad thing at all and even say the guy is awesome but when it's the other way around it's horrible? And my fiance regularly works out and exercises so while to some they may view it as a disaster waiting to happen, if anything considering how long we have been together, and how much affection he shows me and the fact he would not have any issue getting a younger woman if he really wanted just shows me how he loves and cares for me for who I am.

I guess I want your thoughts?


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

JustJilia, I thought I would chime in with my comments.

My sister has been in almost exactly the same situation as you. They are still together after 10 years and seem to be going strong. They have jointly invested in properties and seem to be doing well on the income front too!

Here are some considerations though:

My sister already has a daughter and her partner does not want to have children of his own but was happy to help with raising my niece.

I have got to say that her partner is an extraordinary man with above average intelligence and maturity (which is not common).

They met when she went back to university as a mature student and they were in the same course. The point being that they have a lot in common which did help. And this was not just from an academic point of view - they both liked scuba diving, similar hobbies, similar careers although he is the main earner now etc etc. All of this helped.

However I have got to say that the biggest thing that helped was the support of her family - us! We all took an instant liking to her partner (who has proposed to her) although we were worried at the start on how this would play out (we didn't want her to get her heart broken again - her ex was a nice guy generally although he got violent occasionally and he was extremely immature - it was all about him).

So what I am saying is


You should go for this relationship - you only live once and you take happiness wherever you find it.
It would help if you had some support from your family - people who care about you should wish you happiness and want happiness for you - I am not sure what your mother and sister are really concerned about.
Make sure that you and your boyfriend have similar interests - it will help.
Make sure that you iron out any potential differences in advance - children, plans, wants, needs etc


And then go enjoy yourself. Even if you don't iron out your issues - take the happiness for what it is one day at a time.

Good luck!


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

If you're both happy, ignore the nay sayers. Enjoy what you have while you have it. Life is short.


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## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

This is your life and your relationship. If you and this man are compatible then go for it. It isn't anyone else's business what you do with your life and who you spend it with. It would be nice to have the support but hopefully your family sees that you are happy and they will be happy for you too.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

JustJilia said:


> While obviously not that common I am with a younger man, my 41 to his 29. He is really wonderful and we have been together coming on three years. He even asked me to marry him which I accepted. I was previously married to a man my age from 22 to 34 and he was a mean and hateful man that always put me down and would treat me terribly.
> 
> I realize this is certainly not the norm but when I met him it was just casual friendship and we would laugh and joke around, three months later he asked me on a date, which hesitantly I accepted. Overtime he really showed how much he cared about me, when my car broke down he came and helped me out and has always been there for me, far more so than my ex ever was.
> 
> ...


This is very important in my opinion. Are they always critical of you? Are they ever supportive? Because if they generally are then they may be seeing something you aren't. Generally these people are your strongest allies and if they don't like this guy maybe they have good reason outside just the age thing. I know on a forum we only get a snapshot of what the OP, you, are describing but to an outside eye this is how it reads to me. You had a bad marriage to a man who wasn't supportive and felt vulnerable. You now are dating a guy who you make more than, are older than, are more established than. So seems from this snapshot that you went from one relationship where you felt vulnerable to one you have complete control over. 

Now maybe this is fine and relationships do work this way, wife lead. I prefer a marriage of equals. But the most concerning part is mom and sister don't like this and unless they are just ****s in all things you really need to understand what they are seeing you don't.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

It's about a 10 year difference. Plus you are 40 and him almost 30. 

There should be no issue here. I would think you being 30 and him 20 would be a concern for your family, but not the age you two are at. 

At almost 30, he is ready to settle down and his heart picked you. Congratulations! Enjoy your happiness.

Oh, and about the income thing, my daughter makes almost twice what her husband makes, and he is 8 years older. They just took very different career paths and hers soared. Money is not everything. Being happy with your career of choice is more important IMO.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

We were close to your age when we started dating... my 28 to her 38.

Married after a year of dating (29/39), celebrating our 28th anniversary this year.

Our only hiccup to age differences is just now showing a little... she wants to retire and begin a quasi retirement lifestyle while I am peaking my career. She is stressed that if she waits until I retire, her age and health is going to factor in to what we have looked forward to... time to relax and enjoy more uncommitted travel and mobility for adventure.

Our agreement is we hang to 55/65 working as we are and then I'll begin to wind down since retirement investments are sound and actually take lower paying yet less stressful job somewhere else freeing up time to allow her concerns to be met and us more time together, perhaps I can share the results of that in another 10 years! 

As for the physical differences... she is as beautiful today as she was when we met. When he tells you this 25 years + from now while gazing at your from across the breakfast table or cuddling with you in bed, please believe him every time he shares this. 

My thoughts? You seem mindful of where you are at...since you have been living together for near a year, you should have a pretty good idea the things you need to keep communicating on, keep it open and alive and the walls will never have a change to find a foundation.

As for the critics, don't let the naysayers of age hold you back, you'll miss the good stuff. I had a couple but simply shared that they were not allowed to do that with me and held them to my boundary... I am still married and they aren't, perhaps they should have given more effort to theirs instead of worrying about mine.


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## JustJilia (Jul 1, 2016)

To be honest I think my mother and sister main worry has more to do with my ex. I admit I was young and dumb but I have gotten a lot smarter. I know he is younger but again if it were a man my age with a woman his age I am sure few would give it a second thought and he'd even view him as some awesome guy that's "still got it".

Not that it is what I am with him for. He is kind, considerate and understanding and is very helpful and knowledgeable.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Wolf1974 said:


> This is very important in my opinion. Are they always critical of you? Are they ever supportive? Because if they generally are then they may be seeing something you aren't. Generally these people are your strongest allies and if they don't like this guy maybe they have good reason outside just the age thing. I know on a forum we only get a snapshot of what the OP, you, are describing but to an outside eye this is how it reads to me. You had a bad marriage to a man who wasn't supportive and felt vulnerable. You now are dating a guy who you make more than, are older than, are more established than. So seems from this snapshot that you went from one relationship where you felt vulnerable to one you have complete control over.
> 
> Now maybe this is fine and relationships do work this way, wife lead. I prefer a marriage of equals. But the most concerning part is mom and sister don't like this and unless they are just ****s in all things you really need to understand what they are seeing you don't.


There can be some truth to this, family dynamics do play into any critique... but whether over-protective or objective, the things they see would be helpful to know but not always worth applying as their vision may be skewed by many factors, helpful or unhelpful.

As I read and did my best to understand, I do not hear any controlling side to the OP's story? I saw confidence in her description from both sides, my perception and interpretation of course.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Your life, your relationship!

I say to hell with the opinionated verbosity of both the naysayers and the envious! For as long as you continue to love and cherish each other, nothing else should matter!

Here's wishing the both of you a most blessed and long, loving lifetime together!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

JustJilia said:


> Not that it is what I am with him for. He is kind, considerate and understanding and is very helpful and knowledgeable.


And do you love him?

Stand by him with passion, commitment, and trustfully love him?


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## JustJilia (Jul 1, 2016)

Emerging Buddhist said:


> And do you love him?
> 
> Stand by him with passion, commitment, and trustfully love him?


Of course! I agreed to marry him because I hate him, loath him and will never stand with him at all! lol. But seriously, I do.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

JustJilia said:


> Of course! I agreed to marry him because I hate him, loath him and will never stand with him at all! lol. But seriously, I do.


:grin2: It's always nice to hear, I didn't read it earlier so thought I would get that out up front!

You know as well as I do the amount of people that marry for many other reasons, it's always worth asking and hearing it in the discussion. :wink2:

Me too for my wife... 28 years later I to this day love my wife with passion, commitment, and trust.

Cast aside the critics, it feels your head and heart are in the right place...


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

it always bothered me that men marrying women 5-10 years younger seems to be somewhat the norm and totally accepted, but
in our society men marrying women 5-10 years older raises eyebrows many times.

that said, there could be some age related issues that come up minor or major as the years go by.
consider those now before you marry.

otherwise............go for it!


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## Unicus (Jun 2, 2016)

Jilia, it's hard to tell what it is you're looking for here, can you be more specific?

Usually, when someone has met their soul mate...or as you've unfortunately discovered, actually believed to be their soul mate...they just know it and that confidence allows them to dismiss naysayers. Who knows you and what you need more than you?

Unless you don't.

People come in different sizes and shapes and colors and genders, and underneath all that we're all really the same..as is the emotion that binds us, love. When you give yourself to another..of any of the above descriptors...it's a beautiful thing. However, when the choice is based not so much of compatibility of needs, but an avoidance of some other conflict(s), that's when there's often a problem. That's b/c the underlying issue(s) aren't really addressed thru avoidance.

So, if you're drawn to someone with an obvious difference not so much in spite of that difference, but b/c of it, you should take a closer look. Someone who had an abusive relationship with their red haired mother who will only date blue eyed blondes is a corny and over simplified example. Someone who was married to an older guy who was abusive and remarries a much younger guy might be another.

You're lacking enough self confidence in your choice here...as well as still recovering from what seems like a traumatic first marriage....to get some therapy to sort it out. You know what you know, unless you don't. And you don't seem to know.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Emerging Buddhist said:


> There can be some truth to this, family dynamics do play into any critique... but whether over-protective or objective, the things they see would be helpful to know but not always worth applying as their vision may be skewed by many factors, helpful or unhelpful.
> 
> As I read and did my best to understand, I do not hear any controlling side to the OP's story? I saw confidence in her description from both sides, my perception and interpretation of course.


Could be but I have had this situation in reverse. I was 37 dating a 26 year old. One of my best friends, who is more like a sister to me, hated my GF. In many ways it came across as just being upset I was dating someone younger. Well turns out she was seeing a lot of things that I couldn't. For example that my GF was wedding crazy and didn't really love me just what I could provide. My friend was proven right after we broke up my x apparently met some guy and married in 4 months :surprise::surprise:. 

So it's not just a double standard as I also got flack for dating younger. My only point is sometimes we as people aren't great at evaluating our own lives and dismiss things our Friends and family picked up on. I wondered if that might be the case here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JustJilia (Jul 1, 2016)

Wolf1974 said:


> Could be but I have had this situation in reverse. I was 37 dating a 26 year old. One of my best friends, who is more like a sister to me, hated my GF. In many ways it came across as just being upset I was dating someone younger. Well turns out she was seeing a lot of things that I couldn't. For example that my GF was wedding crazy and didn't really love me just what I could provide. My friend was proven right after we broke up my x apparently met some guy and married in 4 months :surprise::surprise:.
> 
> So it's not just a double standard as I also got flack for dating younger. My only point is sometimes we as people aren't great at evaluating our own lives and dismiss things our Friends and family picked up on. I wondered if that might be the case here.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thanks! I know my man is younger but he really makes me feel great and amazing, as well as other things 

We have decided to try for our own child. Nothing like IVF but just to see how it goes. If not, that's fine, if so great!


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## JustJilia (Jul 1, 2016)

notmyrealname4 said:


> Jilia,
> 
> One of the reasons it's usually "frowned on" for a woman to be over, say, five years older than her husband; is because of kids.
> 
> ...


I see what you are saying for multiple reasons. I get the the reasons. But is still upsets me thinking it would be different if a an my age were with a woman his age.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

@notmyrealname4 does keep it pretty real, I always appreciate her perspective, and these are all things that could get in the way of any relationship as aging happens, much less one with an age difference. 

I know I've heard of husbands at any age being called a "stick in the mud", I don't believe I have ever heard the opposite of women now that I think about it. Attitude is everything as we age... looks and sexy are all that and then some... attitude.

Shallowness in and of core values will do in a relationship faster than anything, nothing more, nothing less... especially as love ebbs and flows from time to time, it is never static. Even when we've bickered of things that may create some distance, not one of them has been age related in the 28 years we've been married, I think that for me, staying "in love" and sharing the same depth of core values has made all the difference, not the different music we listen to, friends we have , or random activities each keeps.

If only we all could have gone into past and present relationships with "eyes wide open"... as it is, "confidence wide open" will do.


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## Celes (Apr 28, 2015)

People often judge what they don't understand. I wouldn't let the comments get to you OP. I deal with similar comments from my family as well. Just the other day my brother referred to my husband as my "grandfather". He's 13 years older. I don't think it's a gender thing really.


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## JustJilia (Jul 1, 2016)

Yeah, I get it. I just wish people would be more understanding.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

JJ, be less concerned about "people being understanding" and more focused on what your future is going to be like. Despite the happy ending stories you hear about the May-December romances, most don't have a happy ending, especially if one is seeking a life long partner. They are fine however if fantasy and expectation don't exceed reality.
I am a good bit old than you and know there's a point when age catches up to you, health and vigor begins to decline, and the years of your greatest capabilities and productivity come to an end. Ideally, a life long mate needs to be close enough in age so you'll experience this period together. Otherwise, the younger spouse can, and likely will, begin to resent the situation of being tied to someone who can't keep up.
In their middle years "cougar" woman, seem to enjoy the regaling romance as much as men with the trophy wives and girlfriends. I've always felt is was more for show. In the final analysis, man or woman, there a huge difference to be yoked to a hot 40-45 year old when your 25-30 than to a 65-70 year old when you're 45-50. As bad as it sounds, that's especially true when you're a man. That's the reality of a big age difference milady and my only caveat. Other than that, try to rock the boat when ya'll are on the cruises.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

JustJilia said:


> Yeah, I get it. I just wish people would be more understanding.


They aren't. Can you live without your family's acceptance and approval? Can you isolate yourself from those who openly disagree and still not question your choices? 

You came here seeking approval, or so it seems. No one has to approve except you and the object of your desires. 

And that, in my opinion, will be the downfall of this relationship. You will never be quite sure. My opinion? Have some fun and look for a man closer in age. It's unusual to be very compatible with someone of a different generation. It's possible, but unlikely. 

You don't want to become his mother once the initial hot and heavy desire has run it's course.

I'm sorry that was so harsh. I don't think you are wrong for falling in love. I just didn't know how else to write it, without being truthful. Your forties are your time for romance, not marriage. Go have fun and when you get close to menopause, hang on to the best of the bunch.


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## thefam (Sep 9, 2014)

Im 10 years younger than you with a pregnant brain so you're probably a lot smarter than me. But I don't think this will go well for you and the last two posters expressed it better than I ever could. I think the reason it is more acceptable when reversed is because it reinforces the "traditional" male role. Much of society is moving away from openly accepting that male role but it us still underlying though you will not find many on TAM embracing it.

Have you considered the potential heartbreak if he loses attraction for you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

thefam1 said:


> Im 10 years younger than you with a pregnant brain so you're probably a lot smarter than me. But I don't think this will go well for you and the last two posters expressed it better than I ever could. *I think the reason it is more acceptable when reversed is because it reinforces the "traditional" male role*. Much of society is moving away from openly accepting that male role but it us still underlying though you will not find many on TAM embracing it.
> 
> Have you considered the potential heartbreak if he loses attraction for you?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


What has changed is that it is much more acceptable for an older woman to date a younger man, just like it's been acceptable for an older man to date a younger woman. 

Believe me, there were always those who thought it was 'robbing the cradle'. What that means is that some folks thought it was akin to child molestation because of the differences in maturity. The younger was thought to be easily manipulated and used by the elder. 

It is similar today, and not for unfounded reasons.

There really is no difference in how it will likely turn out. Generations(any) are so very different, it's nearly impossible, even today, to be compatible in a May/December romance. 

Dating is fine. Marriage is tough even for those from the same generation. That's the bottom line, really. 

That doesn't mean it doesn't work in some instances. It just makes compatibility, understanding and compromise, that much tougher.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

2ntnuf said:


> Believe me, there were always those who thought it was 'robbing the cradle'. What that means is that some folks thought it was akin to child molestation because of the differences in maturity. The younger was thought to be easily manipulated and used by the elder.


Before my time, pre and post depression and among the poor, it was common for families to want to "marry off" daughters. Often an "older" well established man that had something to bring to the table was believed the ticket for her to have a better life. In my family, among great aunts those that married older men with assets faired far better than those becoming another poor boys wife.
Truth be told, what parents would not rather see their early twenties daughter marry a doctor 10-12 years older than a 21 year old guy stumbling around working as a painters helper and happy with their job.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

VladDracul said:


> Before my time, pre and post depression and among the poor, it was common for families to want to "marry off" daughters. Often an "older" well established man that had something to bring to the table was believed the ticket for her to have a better life. In my family, among great aunts those that married older men with assets faired far better than those becoming another poor boys wife.
> Truth be told, what parents would not rather see their early twenties daughter marry a doctor 10-12 years older than a 21 year old guy stumbling around working as a painters helper and happy with their job.


Me. My daughter married a young man near her age just starting out as an Electrical Engineer with a Bacholor's from Pitt. Now he has a Master's and is a supervisor. I'll take the young guy who is dedicated to his career and family over the guy who has it all and is just looking for a nice firm young body....any...day.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Jilia, my husband just turned 35 yesterday and I will be 41 next month. Admittedly, the age difference is less than that of you and your fiancé, but it is more than what notmyrealname4 stated regarding 5 years. 😉 We have bern married 16 years, as of May. Yep, we married about a month before he graduated high school. But, like I said, there is less of an age difference than your own... so I will share another. My sister will be 39 at the end of this month and her second husband will turn 31 in October. A bit closer, yes? They have been married nearly 10 years, and still going strong. So, yes, it absolutely can work, no matter what the dissenters say. You just have to make sure you continue putting in the effort... both of you. 

I do agree, though. The whole double standard from many people is ridiculous. 

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G930A using Tapatalk


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