# Becoming assertive....



## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

So I turned 50 last year and one of my personal goals is becoming more assertive...I tend to be either passive or come across as too controlling/agressive. But how do you do this if you have a husband who is more on the passive side...a people pleaser, etc.

An example, I was planning on going for a hike and a friend asked if she could join me and I said sure I am going at 9 in the morning then she started to say well can't you go at 10 or later instead...and I wanted to stick to 9 and I griped to H about this and he turned it around on me and said..boy you sure are impatient what is the big deal with going later, etc. etc. Then I start to doubt myself and think maybe he is correct why am I being a ***** about this, etc. etc. Then I get angry at myself thinking I am in the wrong and then angry at him for making me feel bad.

It seems to happen I start to self doubt and think yeah you are being too controlling/too harsh, etc.

I grew up with a mother who was passive and never taught me to stick up for myself or ask for what I want, instead it was like don't bother people/just leave it be, etc. etc.

So because I hated that about my mother I find I always go between being like her too passive or coming out too agressive and *****y...I feel like I am in a no win situation.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

Well, if it were me, I'd simply say to your friend - 'I'm leaving at 9. I'd love to have you join me if you can, but if not, we'll go together another time.'

That's it. No one else on the whole planet has to agree or approve. 

To me, that's assertive. Being comfortable with who you are and confident in the choices you make. 

Aggressiveness, on the other hand, is more of a secondary response. It tends to come out when we feel insecure, hurt or angry.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

highwood said:


> So I turned 50 last year and one of my personal goals is becoming more assertive...I tend to be either passive or come across as too controlling/agressive. But how do you do this if you have a husband who is more on the passive side...a people pleaser, etc.
> 
> An example, I was planning on going for a hike and a friend asked if she could join me and I said sure I am going at 9 in the morning then she started to say well can't you go at 10 or later instead...and I wanted to stick to 9 and I griped to H about this and he turned it around on me and said..boy you sure are impatient what is the big deal with going later, etc. etc. Then I start to doubt myself and think maybe he is correct why am I being a ***** about this, etc. etc. Then I get angry at myself thinking I am in the wrong and then angry at him for making me feel bad.
> 
> ...


There’s a little trick that you can do in these situations. It also builds assertiveness. 
When your friend suggested leaving later you should have said “I’m leaving at nine this time but if that’s doesn’t suit you we can arrange another hike in a few weeks “. And then stop talking. Do not speak again until she responds.Silence is the key. 
You aren’t being aggressive and you’re giving her the impression that she’s the one making the decision. In other words she thinks she’s the one with the power. 
As far as your husband or anyone else for that matter is concerned never and I repeat never try and justify your actions when it comes to something like this. Justification leads to compromise or bargaining so that’s not going to happen. 
Your free time is exactly that, your free time. Nobody else has any right to exploit your good nature. 
There’s also another response to people like your friend if being reasonable doesn’t work. It comprises of two words. 
The second one is “off”.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

You can - but should you? Its a lot of work to change your personality, especially at your age (which is similar to mine). I'm non-assertive and I've decided that its just part of who I am, and I'm not really losing much because of it.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

She asked to join you and then wanted you to change the time to suit her? No. You could say "sorry, no" but for me just plain "no" works. There are plenty of people who will take advantage of you if you let them. She sounds like one.


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

Geeze Louise........Just do what you want to do in life.......If anyone wants to tag along so be it.........If not, move on and enjoy........You are responsible for your own happiness....and no one elses........


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

With a smile ... "I'd love for you to join me ... at 9. If you can't, we'll plan for another time."

Be aware of what you want vs. what you think you want.

The 9 o'clock time is either important to you, or it isn't. Don't let someone else reframe the terms of your decision, or second guessing the terms of your decision.


On the practical side ... hiking with a partner is always a good idea.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

We use another word for this all the time around here... boundaries.

Push aside all judgements and ask yourself where your healthy tipping point is and then decide where your best lies. 

Yet it doesn't hurt to list to your husband either... no bad advice, just advice that doesn't fit your boundary, him calling you impatient lets you know where his boundary is, not yours.

Many years ago I took a vow of not being offended. It was hard at first but with practice it has become a serious place of calm as I no longer give away power to the situations that used to spark reaction while maintaining my boundaries... unless you are really doing someone wrong (and then if you are offended you are really off a healthy path), ask yourself "does this have the value I am seeking or am I being defensive for another reason"?

Your friend was interested in joining you for your hike but asked you to delay... why? 

The "why" may matter a little or a lot... the little may be she is never on time and you are not willing to have her be in control of when or where she shows up. The lot may be like some other important thing like commitment to family that she cannot free herself until an hour later. I don't know her thoughts but you might, and then it does not hurt to ask "why" and then decide the healthiest path for you... the important thing is to breathe (slow dow reaction) while doing so.

Also, as posted above, activity safety is important... there is a risk in everything that we do but some risks may not come as cheaply as an hour of our time.

Choose wisely, it is all in your control and nobody else's no matter your decisions. :smile2:


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

minimalME said:


> *Well, if it were me, I'd simply say to your friend - 'I'm leaving at 9. I'd love to have you join me if you can, but if not, we'll go together another time.'
> 
> That's it. No one else on the whole planet has to agree or approve.*
> 
> ...




That's your answer right there. That's all should have said to her. But what happened was you are unsure of yourself, so you recruited your husband to agree with you, but he didn't agree. That doesn't make him passive. He just didn't understand why you didn't prefer to be more flexible with your schedule to accommodate your friend. You didn't have to be flexible, but it would have been nice if you didn't have other plans later. But still, your plan was 9am and you didn't have to be flexible, especially since she invited herself and then wanted to change the setup. That was pretty ridiculous to me.

You have to be sure of yourself in order to be assertive. You can't have a need to look for validation from others, and then get upset, confused, or doubtful when they don't validate you. So this wasn't your husband's fault, nor did he prevent you from being assertive. You have to confidently make decisions and then stick by those decisions. That's how you become assertive.


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## VibrantWings (Sep 8, 2017)

I have a friend who does that stuff. Tries to change the time, place, event, etc. 
I don't take it toooo hard because I take it as we are trying to arrange things so we can spend time together as friends will do. Her asking for another time could...or could not...have been about control.

Far as my friend goes, if the change is okay with me then I will do it. If not, I won't. I've even said to this friend "Don't go trying to change everything to suit you". Sometimes bluntness...said in my light, joking manner, works well for me. Passive aggressive? Who cares. I get my way part of the time and isn't compromise what we try to stride for in relationships?

I think you need to question what bothered you about the time change: Does this friend always do that? Were you going at nine to leave you time to do other things that needed to be done on a schedule? Or was it that you picked nine and that should be it? Control issues run both ways. 
If ten is a problem for you for whatever reason, prepare to go hiking alone. I'm the type that doesn't like to go alone so I might "sacrifice" and go at ten instead for the company *shrugs*


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

> and I wanted to stick to 9 and I griped to H about this and he turned it around on me and said.


Find someone new to vent with. You don't need to give your husband new reasons to put you down.


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## WhiskeyVictor (Sep 13, 2016)

highwood said:


> So I turned 50 last year and one of my personal goals is becoming more assertive...I tend to be either passive or come across as too controlling/agressive. But how do you do this if you have a husband who is more on the passive side...a people pleaser, etc.
> 
> An example, I was planning on going for a hike and a friend asked if she could join me and I said sure I am going at 9 in the morning then she started to say well can't you go at 10 or later instead...and I wanted to stick to 9 and I griped to H about this and he turned it around on me and said..boy you sure are impatient what is the big deal with going later, etc. etc. Then I start to doubt myself and think maybe he is correct why am I being a ***** about this, etc. etc. Then I get angry at myself thinking I am in the wrong and then angry at him for making me feel bad.
> 
> ...


Hi, I completely understand because I was the same way. I was very passive growing up and then became WAY too aggressive in my early twenties. I found a middle ground at some point but I’ve noticed that I’ve become too passive again in a lot of my close relationships so I’m still a work in progress. The good thing is that we recognize it so we can make the changes to become more assertive and sure of ourselves and our decisions.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

highwood said:


> So I turned 50 last year and one of my personal goals is becoming more assertive...I tend to be either passive or come across as too controlling/agressive. But how do you do this if you have a husband who is more on the passive side...a people pleaser, etc.
> 
> An example, I was planning on going for a hike and a friend asked if she could join me and I said sure I am going at 9 in the morning then she started to say well can't you go at 10 or later instead...and I wanted to stick to 9 and I griped to H about this and he turned it around on me and said..boy you sure are impatient what is the big deal with going later, etc. etc. Then I start to doubt myself and think maybe he is correct why am I being a ***** about this, etc. etc. Then I get angry at myself thinking I am in the wrong and then angry at him for making me feel bad.
> 
> ...


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

StillSearching said:


> Read "The Rational Male" now!


Why would you recommend the OP read Rationale Male? Do you think there is something in that book to help her understand her husband?


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Lila said:


> Why would you recommend the OP read Rationale Male? Do you think there is something in that book to help her understand her husband?


LOL....I haven't sleep in a couple days.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

I'd recommend, The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck, by Mark Manson


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

I’m like you. There are times when I want to do something a certain way or time and I won’t budge. You shouldn’t be afraid to stick to your guns. There are other times I am not picky about it and I love company and I am more flexible so I wouldn’t care. 

I think at the end of the day you have to advocate for yourself and do what you think is best for you and stand up for it. Sometimes a particular time and place is important. Sometimes being with friends is more important so I would be more flexible. 

I’m also confused... in your above scenario if you could re do it what would you differently?


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