# Permenently damaged?



## Costa

Do you feel permanently damaged from your divorce? 

They say time is a healer. But in my case, I feel like I have permanently mutated into a sad damaged individual.


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## somethingelse

I'm not divorced, but have been separated and on the brink of D before. I know I would definitely feel damaged if it was to happen though.. I hope you can get some good input from others on here.


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## brokenbythis

Yes I feel extremely damaged. But not from filing the papers. From the last 5 yrs of my 13 yr marriage. It has been hell. Things have happened to me that I now get PTSD flashbacks from. I kid you not. All the terrible things he said and did. All the horrible hurts. All the "bombs".. everything, just everything.

I am not the same innocent bride I was 13 yrs ago. My dreams have been darkened, my hopes taken away from me. The family that is so dear to me and I always wanted broken and tainted.

I pray every night to God I someday start to feel healed. I really do.


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## stillhoping

I don't know if its permanent but it certainly will be with me for a long time. I expected to be married to my ex for the rest of my life and now it requires a major mind shift. He will likely marry someone else, perhaps even soon. I have been spending a lot of my time and effort falsely focused on hoping he would come back, and that I did something wrong that I could now change. Time for a mind shift to looking optimistically at the future. Maybe one which holds another great love or not. My therapist and I just decided I need to be treated as if I have an addiction. Weird because its not like I was a crazy stalker or anything, but I did keep the contact going with him, little things, but always hoping it would lead to something big and all it did was make me angry all over again when it didn't. So I am detoxing now, will let you know how it goes. I am hopeful, for myself


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## HeartbrokenW

I wouldn't say damaged, but I have my eyes WIDE open now. I really am in NO hurry to intermingle finances with anyone ever again. I really want to keep myself segregated, although I miss companionship and intimacy. Like a previous poster said, I thought I'd be married forever, now I'm emotionally scarred, and want to just live like a hermit. lol


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## angelpixie

There are permanent changes, yes, but if it remains 'damage' depends a lot on how you deal with it. I've been where you all have been. I just got my legal divorce on Valentine's Day this year, but moved out from him July 2011. Prior to that, it was years of ... a lot of mental and emotional crap. In the last several months, we had in-house separation, and the emotional abuse ratcheted up. I remember having flash-backs, too -- barely avoiding car accidents a couple times because of where and when they'd hit me. Nightmares, triggers, physical symptoms, all of it. 

No, none of us are innocent anymore. But some of those cliches we've all heard? They're true, or at least they can be true. You *can* become stronger at the broken places, time *will* help you with healing. But you have to think in ways that allow those things to happen.

You are not a victim of things that you went through, even if you were also abused in any way, or cheated on, or walked out on. You're still here, aren't you? That makes you a survivor. I used to look at all of the things that my family experienced when I was growing up, and then things I went through while married, and think, Wow, I've been through sooo much! And it tends to wear you out, and you feel tired, like you can't deal with another thing. Then one day, it just kind of hit me: Yes, all of those things did happen, but I got through all of them. I survived every single one. And I'm still here. That makes you feel stronger, not damaged. 

All of us have the chance to come out of our break-ups with new strengths and wisdom.

HeartbrokenW - you mention not wanting to mingle finances again. That may not be a bad thing for you; it might be _smart_ for your situation. 

Brokenbythis -- you will not have the life you dreamed of when you first got married, but with _that man_ that life was not possible anyway. Now you are not with him. You are _free_ and have a chance to heal. That is great reason for hope. There are great books and therapies to help women who have been abused and are dealing with PTSD. You will come out better than you were when you married him. If he treated you the way he did, he was not the right man for you. You deserve better than to be treated like that.

Stillhoping -- What you're going through is very common. You've probably already been told about co-dependency, but reading up on that helps with that feeling of 'addiction.' You might also look up the difference between 'attachment' and 'love.' A *lot* of us think we feel love, when we are really emotionally attached. There is a big difference, and one is more healthy than the other.

It has been a huge roller-coaster for me to get to this point. I never, ever, ever wanted to be divorced, to raise my son shuttling back and forth between two houses, dealing with new girlfriends of his dad's, etc. I know I did my best to prevent it. I couldn't stop it -- none of us could have saved our marriages by ourselves. Once I came to peace with that, and realized what kind of person put himself only above his spouse, his child, his family -- then I slowly came to the realization that it was a good thing that he wanted to split. Not because splitting was good, but because staying together would have been worse. When there is abuse, or co-dependency, or any unhealthy behavior like that, it doesn't just spontaneously get better. One person has to leave at some point. I never would have been able to heal if I was still with him because new things were constantly happening. 

Now all of you have a chance to heal, too. You may still end up with some battle scars, but you'll also have new wisdom that you didn't have before. Take this time to learn about you, who you are, what you're about, what you want in a future relationship. Be OK being by yourself for awhile. Enjoy some peace on your own for a while. It can feel really good. 

It's all a learning process. Relationships are not cookie cutter or connect the dots. Expect to make a few more mistakes along the way, too. Most of us have done that. But like anything that's worthwhile, you never get it totally right the first time.

But learn who you are, and though it may be really hard, learn first to be true to yourself. 

((hugs))

AP


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## 2ntnuf

That Angel? She's a pretty smart cookie. Thank you, Angel. It helped me to see it from your perspective. I am not healed, but I am healing, learning, grieving a little, and appreciating you sharing your knowledge and experience.


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## EnjoliWoman

Nope, not damaged. Different, smarter, wiser (not the same!)


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## 3Xnocharm

Costa said:


> Do you feel permanently damaged from your divorce?
> 
> They say time is a healer. But in my case, I feel like I have permanently mutated into a sad damaged individual.


Yes, this is how I feel. 

I have been through 3 divorces now. My first two, I am the one who ended things. I had hit my limit of being treated like crap, and there was no longer love there. When I left, I felt so empowered, so strong, refreshed, relieved. This last one, it lasted less than a year, and it has crushed my very soul. I was very passionately in love with my husband. I am still in love with him to this day, despite the crappy things he has done. I do feel damaged. I feel like a shadow of myself. He has kept me in limbo most of this time, professing his love for me yet never following through. I'm sure I wont heal until I can get past his games and my love for him. This is just soooo different than the other times!


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## unbelievable

Damaged? Hardly. I felt like I was damaged throughout the whole marriage but my divorce was like Jesus Christ walking into my tomb and blowing the breath of life back into my decomposing lungs.


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## angelpixie

Strong imagery there, unbelievable!


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## Jellybeans

Sometimes yes.

But I don't know if "damaged" is the right word.

I think I feel traumatized. And no matter what, it has completely changed my feelings on marriage and relationships and I don't trust the way I did before. I feel less naive, if that makes sense.

Words like FOREVER and SOULMATE are sometimes met with one of my side-eyes.


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## Jellybeans

unbelievable said:


> Damaged? Hardly. I felt like I was damaged throughout the whole marriage but my divorce was like Jesus Christ walking into my tomb and blowing the breath of life back into my decomposing lungs.


:rofl: Happy Easter, Unbelievable!


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## stillhoping

oh you guys are so good for me!


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## Dollystanford

unbelievable said:


> Damaged? Hardly. I felt like I was damaged throughout the whole marriage but my divorce was like Jesus Christ walking into my tomb and blowing the breath of life back into my decomposing lungs.


A to the muthaf*ckin MEN!


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## Wiserforit

No.

Things could not be better.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

No. I definitely feel more human and also learned I'll go the distance for myself to get out of a bad situation. I have my self-respect back, as well as the capability to follow through on my own dreams and volition, and to fulfill my potential without being dragged down by another person (and his drama) whose sole pleasure in life is control, manipulation and creating chaos and unnecessary scenarios of various risks as a sideline hobby.


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## Costa

Its been 3 years for me since we started living apart. Some days I am inconsolable. I thought it will better when the divorce judgement comes through. But the pain started again. I am a sensitive person, so it makes it harder.


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## that_girl

I am feeling bitter towards love and marriage. Promises and trust? Have no idea what that is.

I find myself despising most men.

Damaged? very much so.


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## hope4family

that_girl said:


> I am feeling bitter towards love and marriage. Promises and trust? Have no idea what that is.
> 
> I find myself despising most men.
> 
> Damaged? very much so.


that_girl

I read your story. Honestly, whats worse then being cheated on. A partner who is faking it, and thats the foundation of the relationship they tried to lay. 

Of course, many tell me I was cheated on. The reality of that doesn't hurt as much as when I was told "I tried to make it work but couldn't."


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## nice777guy

that_girl said:


> I am feeling bitter towards love and marriage. Promises and trust? Have no idea what that is.
> 
> *I find myself despising most men.*
> 
> Damaged? very much so.


Ouch!

I don't despise women - but I have definitely developed a problem with trusting people.

Totally possible that I was too trusting before - but the pendulum has swung too far to the other side now.

Not just worrying about being lied to - but find myself often wondering about ultierior motives and such.

And a lot of it has to do with protecting my kids as well.

So is that "damaged" - just a bit jaded - or am I wiser from lessons learned?


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## that_girl

Well, my despise of men isn't just from my STBXH.

My bio-father left me....
My step-father who raised me chose his new wife over me...
Never had a BF who would have put himself on th eline for me even tho I did for them...
My older daughter's father is a turd.
My husband is a liar like the rest of them.
My grandfather was such an assh0le.

I thought my husband was different! He sure was a good liar and pretender, holy crap.

At least the other turds in my life were somewhat upfront about their turdness. 

I've yet to have a good man in my life.

I don't like feeling this way, it's just happening.


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## hope4family

Damaged? Yeah a little. I have learned that I am co-dependent. But being aware is so much better then being unaware. 

Divorce is not the end of my journey. I was only married for 2 years before my ex decided life is better without son & I. She has since made attempts to watch son once a week and intends to watch him more as time moves on. 

As for me, I am happier. I no longer have to worry about someone who makes me feel like crud. Who dragged me through her emotional hell, and I held on because of co-dependency. 

I dance now, I got my hobby's back, I am in a dream job, I drive the car I want not need, my son is with me majority of the time. 

Most importantly, I can focus on my inward soul, no longer having someone scratch my ear telling me how unhappy they are, and needlessly putting that burden on myself. I can focus on being a better person, man, father, and friend to those who do care for me. 

Yeah, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I'm not divorced yet. But it has nothing to do with my happiness.


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## that_girl

I do have hope for a better future. And just yesterday I rearranged the furniture in my home...it's the little things, no?

But...this is the strangest thing. I have become "asexual" (not literally).  This is not like me at all! My libido is usually sky high. Now, the thought of anyone touching me, wanting me, kissing me, makes me want to vomit.

I hate what he's done to me and this family. I truly hope he is miserable when he finally gets the hell out.


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## hope4family

that_girl said:


> My bio-father left me....
> My step-father who raised me chose his new wife over me...
> Never had a BF who would have put himself on th eline for me even tho I did for them...
> My older daughter's father is a turd.
> My husband is a liar like the rest of them.
> My grandfather was such an assh0le.


*hugs*

I feel for anyone who goes through this. Thanks for sharing. Continue to be strong and full of courage. You will break this cycle, and find someone who has integrity. But he will still be capable of being an arse.


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## hope4family

that_girl said:


> I do have hope for a better future. And just yesterday I rearranged the furniture in my home...it's the little things, no?
> 
> But...this is the strangest thing. I have become "asexual" (not literally).  This is not like me at all! My libido is usually sky high. Now, the thought of anyone touching me, wanting me, kissing me, makes me want to vomit.
> 
> I hate what he's done to me and this family. I truly hope he is miserable when he finally gets the hell out.


I am high drive. Towards the end when the ex was still here. I became sick whenever those "emotions" turned on. That continued for sometime later after she left.

Then finally, it returned to normal. I think it took a couple months, and admittedly, when I started hanging around females who I can give the benefit of a clean slate.


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## that_girl

I can handle an ass. I can handle personality.

I just can't handle lies. Or handle the eggshells I walked on for years.

Don't think I'll ever really be able to be with anyone else..not like i was with STBX. He had something so good, he has NO idea what he's done or what he had.


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## Awakening2012

HeartbrokenW said:


> I wouldn't say damaged, but I have my eyes WIDE open now. I really am in NO hurry to intermingle finances with anyone ever again. I really want to keep myself segregated, although I miss companionship and intimacy. Like a previous poster said, I thought I'd be married forever, now I'm emotionally scarred, and want to just live like a hermit. lol


:iagree:


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## that_girl

I thank my lucky stars every day that I was smart enough to NOT mingle bank accounts or get loans together. Financially it will be a clean break. I guess I was single for so long, merging finances seemed stupid. I take care of my shet...i work hard for my money and after the crap he pulled with HIS money, god forbid he ever would have access to mine.

I can't see myself marrying legally ever again. No point.


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## Awakening2012

that_girl said:


> I thank my lucky stars every day that I was smart enough to NOT mingle bank accounts or get loans together. Financially it will be a clean break. I guess I was single for so long, merging finances seemed stupid. I take care of my shet...i work hard for my money and after the crap he pulled with HIS money, god forbid he ever would have access to mine.
> 
> I can't see myself marrying legally ever again. No point.


:iagree:


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## angelpixie

That's the biggest 'practical' lesson I've learned: not to mingle the finances. I'm too old to give away half of my retirement again. 

I think I've been away from him long enough that I have a more balanced look at things. I know what part of it was mine, what part of it was his, and what I've been able to work on and what I still need to work on, and what I want and don't want in a (possible) future relationship. 

Still gunshy. I'm too afraid that if the time comes, I'll be too happy to find someone and will put up with shet that I told myself I wouldn't, just because the good parts feel good. I've already seen that in myself, and it worries me.


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## Freak On a Leash

angelpixie said:


> No, none of us are innocent anymore. But some of those cliches we've all heard? They're true, or at least they can be true. You *can* become stronger at the broken places, time *will* help you with healing. But you have to think in ways that allow those things to happen.
> 
> You are not a victim of things that you went through, even if you were also abused in any way, or cheated on, or walked out on. You're still here, aren't you? That makes you a survivor.
> All of us have the chance to come out of our break-ups with new strengths and wisdom.


:iagree: That which does not kill us makes us stronger.  

The divorce didn't damage me at all. Quite the opposite, the process of separation, being my own person, supporting myself and my kids and conquering my own fears and insecurities that give me the strength and resolve to forge ahead and enjoy my life. I feel a great sense of accomplishment and purpose due to all that has happened and what I went through these past 2 years. 

And now it's culminating in that one final day when we go to court and end a failed marriage and begin the rest of my life. Divorce is the BEST thing to happen to me. 

But the marriage? THAT is what damaged me. The process of healing and moving away from that is ongoing and proud to say it's been a long, tough journey but a rewarding one. A lot of people I know have heard my story and offered sympathy and said "I'm sorry". 

My answer: "I'm not! I'm happier than I've been in years!" That's the truth. I have no regets or sorrow about the divorce, just about the marriage. You can't erase the past but you can forge ahead and created a brighter future.


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## that_girl

SO true. The marriage effed me up. That man effed me up.

The divorce is like finally getting some fresh air.


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## Freak On a Leash

angelpixie said:


> That's the biggest 'practical' lesson I've learned: not to mingle the finances.


I learned that lesson early. I always had my own money, my own separate bank account. In the end it's what saved me. When my STBXH emptied our joint account and walked away from us I had the means to pay our bills and find a new place to l ive. 

It surprised the heck out of him. :rofl:

I tell my kids.: ALWAYS have your OWN money. 

I've never been very trusting, now I'm even less so. I think the only people I really trust are my kids.


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## Freak On a Leash

that_girl said:


> SO true. The marriage effed me up. That man effed me up.
> 
> The divorce is like finally getting some fresh air.


I feel for you. I didn't have good people in my life either. My parents were critical and distant and I married a man just like them. I haven't talked to my mother and sister for 10 years (my father has passed on). 

I think that's why I have the trust issues I do. I'll probably always have them. But it helps me in a lot of ways too. It's saved my butt more than once and I've become stronger and more independent as a result. 

Toxic people in your life are a lot like dog crap. If you step in dog crap you don't look at, smell it or touch it...you scrape it off and walk away from it. Treat these people in the same manner. Get them out of your life and don't give them much thought. 

Not caring is the greatest freedom you can have. Yeah, my parents and sister weren't nice to me. Yeah, my husband was crappy and abusive to me but I can't change any of that. It is what it is. I can only deal with myself and what is going on now and in the future. Dwelling on the past is like picking at a scab on a wound. You never allow youself to heal and will only make ME miserable. I won't allow that to happen.


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## brokenbythis

that_girl said:


> I can handle an ass. I can handle personality.
> 
> *I just can't handle lies. * Or handle the eggshells I walked on for years.
> 
> *Don't think I'll ever really be able to be with anyone else..not like i was with STBX. He had something so good, he has NO idea what he's done or what he had*.


That girl: I totally agree. My STBXH had so many people over the past 13 yrs comment on how lucky he was, that he had the perfect family, etc. Read my recent posts... you'll see how he screwed it up and threw everything away. I know for sure he's not happy now, he's absolutely miserable.

The other day when he dropped our son home he was crying and whining about "everything being taken away from him". I said you threw away this family and you gave away what was left to your new one when you gave her your sperm (got AP pregnant). He's dug his own grave. He dumped us to be with her. I remember that when I get upset, and I remember the calous way he did it too.

I too have been so traumatized by what he's put my through I can't ever imagine trusting or being intimate with another man.


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## that_girl

Things I remember when I get weepy:

He asked me once (after moving home the first time he left) if I could tighten my vagina. Yea. I asked who he was comparing me to...of course he said no one. Right.

He told me his car cost 1500 and it was really 5000. Cash. I had no idea he had that cash...and I was worried about groceries.

Taking out his 401K when he got laid off...not telling me OR paying taxes on it. $17,000 dollars blown on what? I have no idea. I only found out when I went to do the taxes that year. Then we OWED SO MUCH  Then my check was being garnished too....omg...

He hides his phone. Nuff said.

and a few others that I remind myself...that I won't write...BUT...the red flags were THERE. I don't know what the hell my problem was. He's a liar and a snake. And he needs to go. Not to mention he's completely emotionally constipated. Talking to him is like talking to a shoe.

So yea. I'm a bit damaged lol....


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## Freak On a Leash

If I wrote down all the stuff my STBXH did it would be a book. Or about 1900 very long posts on a marriage forum. 

Oh yeah..I think I've done that. :rofl:

That's why this place is here. It's very therapeutic and helps you move on. The point is you need to move on and you will. 

Then you can start fresh.


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## brokenbythis

that_girl said:


> Things I remember when I get weepy:
> 
> He asked me once (after moving home the first time he left) if I could tighten my vagina. Yea. I asked who he was comparing me to...of course he said no one. Right.


WHAT A PIG. Whenever I get upset that this is happening I force myself to remember all the horrible, cruel things he said and did to me too. Here's the short list:

- You are too fat to have sex with (he's 280 lbs)
- He dumped me and our son to be with OW then he came crawling back.
- He smashed up our house while I cowered holding our son.
- She is so much better than you (referring to new OW)
- You're a fu^%ing c*&t, bi#*h, etc.
- You've ruined my life
- I want a divorce (said too many times to count)
- I want to find someone better than you

He's lied, cheated, terrorized me for far too long. I'm out. I know what I need to do it doesn't make it any easier emotionally though when you loved someone for so long. And they let you down in every way.

Just remember this when you have doubts or regret not "trying harder".


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## that_girl

My picker was WAY off...except for my 2 dads and grandfather. lolll perhaps that is a factor into why my picker sucked.

I am just over anything run by a penis. Sad, but true.

My husband has a way of saying the meanest sh!t in the nicest way...and finally my Love goggles are off and Im like, Hey! You're a DOUCHE! and told him so.


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## hope4family

that_girl said:


> My picker was WAY off...except for my 2 dads and grandfather. lolll perhaps that is a factor into why my picker sucked.
> 
> I am just over anything run by a penis. Sad, but true.
> 
> My husband has a way of saying the meanest sh!t in the nicest way...and finally my Love goggles are off and Im like, Hey! You're a DOUCHE! and told him so.



The more I read this story. The more I see similarities. SSSUUCCKKSS. Even I have no attraction to anything run by a penis! 

I knew the stories are always similar, but damn.


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## nice777guy

Really really really struggling with trust issues.

For example - don't tell me "I'm just looking for someone to talk to sometimes - nothing serious" - and then proceed to contact me several times a day.

You are either lying to me - or to yourself.


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## angelpixie

nice777guy said:


> Really really really struggling with trust issues.
> 
> For example - don't tell me "I'm just looking for someone to talk to sometimes - nothing serious" - and then proceed to contact me several times a day.
> 
> You are either lying to me - or to yourself.


Sorry, Nice. I'll stop. 







:rofl: Sorry, I couldn't resist. Well, actually I could have, but I didn't.


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## nice777guy

angelpixie said:


> Sorry, Nice. I'll stop.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> :rofl: Sorry, I couldn't resist. Well, actually I could have, but I didn't.


Futher proof that all women are evil!!!


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## hope4family

nice777guy said:


> Really really really struggling with trust issues.
> 
> For example - don't tell me "I'm just looking for someone to talk to sometimes - nothing serious" - and then proceed to contact me several times a day.
> 
> You are either lying to me - or to yourself.


Talked to this one girl I met for a few hours online Sunday. Kinda hit it off. 

Monday during work, I got several messages and this continued, into the night. 

I was busy with my life. Considering we spoke about being "nothing serious" it drove me up the wall.


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## angelpixie

I guess I'm really old-fashioned. I have a totally hard time initiating contact with a guy via text or phone call. Maybe I've read too much of what you guys write on TAM.  :rofl:


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## hope4family

angelpixie said:


> I guess I'm really old-fashioned. I have a totally hard time initiating contact with a guy via text or phone call. Maybe I've read too much of what you guys write on TAM.  :rofl:


I told her I can't respond because I was at work and had plans for tonight. 

By 9 at night I was getting messages of "Did I do something wrong, you aren't talkative."

I was thinking, nothing serious, give me a day or three to arrange time to watch my son and we will meet up at a bar for a drink or something. 

Maybe i'm old fashioned too.


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## nice777guy

hope4family said:


> I told her I can't respond because I was at work and had plans for tonight.
> 
> By 9 at night I was getting messages of "Did I do something wrong, you aren't talkative."
> 
> I was thinking, nothing serious, give me a day or three to arrange time to watch my son and we will meet up at a bar for a drink or something.
> 
> Maybe i'm old fashioned too.


Were these texts? I don't understand why people expect you to respond immediately to every text.


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## hope4family

nice777guy said:


> Were these texts? I don't understand why people expect you to respond immediately to every text.


I get facebook updates via phone. To me, that means you respond even less.


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## nice777guy

angelpixie said:


> I guess I'm really old-fashioned. I have a totally hard time initiating contact with a guy via text or phone call. Maybe I've read too much of what you guys write on TAM.  :rofl:


It's more about the follow-up. If I tell someone I'm heading to pick up my kids, don't expect me to respond to "whatcha doin?" 20 minutes later. And don't send another message in 15 minutes when I don't respond to the first one.

That stuff kind of spooks me a bit (back to being a bit damaged.) If someone has that much time on their hands, they may be looking for someone to fill a big empty whole in their lives.

Or maybe I'm just jaded - and busy...


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## hope4family

I am busy NG, i'm sure so are you. We possibly find freetime somewhere around 9-11 at night just before bed or just after doing the dishes.


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## nice777guy

hope4family said:


> I am busy NG, i'm sure so are you. We possibly find freetime somewhere around 9-11 at night just before bed or just after doing the dishes.


I may just be meeting the wrong people too. Not that I'm trying too hard.

When I don't have my kids I'm wide open (if I'm not working).

But when I've got my kids - they have my attention. My phone is likely to be in my pocket or on the charger in my bedroom.


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## FrustratedFL

I feel like I have been permanently damaged by my STBX. 

I held out hope for a long time that we could reconcile since we had a long term marriage (17 years). This was not possible and when I finally accepted the reality that our marriage is over, I feel like I am broken.

I had loved and trusted this man more than any other man I ever met. Now I do not even recognize him. After 2 affairs and walking away from the marriage, family, all our debt and business , I have a hard time trusting anyone. 

After hearing, "I don't find you sexually attractive anymore", "I don't respect you" You are always nagging about money, You are a miserable c*nt.... I am gunshy about taking a chance in trusting anyone again. 

I hope this will pass when I am finally divorced and I can start to heal.


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## angelpixie

So sorry, FFL. I empathize a lot with your situation. I heard some of those same things, held out hope, and had once felt about my Ex the way you felt about your STBX. 

Time does help with the pain, but trust is difficult, I agree. 

But don't let those things stop you from working on you, and finding the good things in you that were probably buried by living with a man like that. Actively seek things that make you smile and give you joy, whether that's music or the outdoors or being active in your community or doing things with people. That will help with the healing, too. 

((hugs))


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## FrustratedFL

Thanks angelpixie - I am trying to do just a you suggested - Finding things that make me smile. 

The one thing I do have going for me - I always maintained a full-time IT Management job since we met and was always the stable breadwinner. I am financially able to take care of myself and daughter which is a godsend since his contractor business is in the tank.

The other thing I am gratetful for: I have always been very independent and made it a point to have girls nights out with my girlfriends. My friends are my rock and I am so glad I have always had good friends to fall back on. 

This is a lesson I have always tried to teach my daughter who is 13. Never want to bash men, but I always tell her to keep her own identity and friends whether she has a boyfriend or future husband. 

When she was little I would always finish any book I was reading, "And they lived happily ever after, then the princess went to college , got a great job with a good health plan".


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## angelpixie

FrustratedFL said:


> Thanks angelpixie - I am trying to do just a you suggested - Finding things that make me smile.
> 
> The one thing I do have going for me - I always maintained a full-time IT Management job since we met and was always the stable breadwinner. I am financially able to take care of myself and daughter which is a godsend since his contractor business is in the tank.
> 
> The other thing I am gratetful for: I have always been very independent and made it a point to have girls nights out with my girlfriends. My friends are my rock and I am so glad I have always had good friends to fall back on.
> 
> This is a lesson I have always tried to teach my daughter who is 13. Never want to bash men, but I always tell her to keep her own identity and friends whether she has a boyfriend or future husband.
> 
> When she was little I would always finish any book I was reading, *"And they lived happily ever after, then the princess went to college , got a great job with a good health plan".*


I love it!! :smthumbup: You are in a much better position than I was -- I always worked, but I didn't do things with friends (for various reasons) and lost a lot of my identity (due to various issues -- don't want to recap my thread here, lol). 

Being a strong woman doesn't mean you have to bash men. Many men don't seem to understand that. They look at it as a woman being strong so she can put a man down. That's not so. When both people are strong and secure in themselves, they can take joy in each others' strengths, not feel threatened by them. That's what I would love to find. (Maybe that's too idealistic?)

I wish my mom had taught me those things. Well, I wish she'd taught me a _lot_ of things. Different things.


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## nice777guy

I would gladly date a Princess who made more money than me...


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## hope4family

FrustratedFL said:


> I feel like I have been permanently damaged by my STBX.
> 
> I held out hope for a long time that we could reconcile since we had a long term marriage (17 years). This was not possible and when I finally accepted the reality that our marriage is over, I feel like I am broken.
> 
> I had loved and trusted this man more than any other man I ever met. Now I do not even recognize him. After 2 affairs and walking away from the marriage, family, all our debt and business , I have a hard time trusting anyone.
> 
> *After hearing, "I don't find you sexually attractive anymore", "I don't respect you" You are always nagging about money, You are a miserable c*nt.... I am gunshy about taking a chance in trusting anyone again. *
> 
> I hope this will pass when I am finally divorced and I can start to heal.


Not to preach to you. But that is "the script" that the betrayed spouse usually ends up getting. 

The irony of being told she thought I was fat therefore unattractive was so very hurtful. This came from a woman who weighed more then me for almost the entire marriage. Suddenly she is 10lbs less then me, (after "we" spent hundreds of dollars on a diet program for her) and i'm fatty mcfat pants.


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## Freak On a Leash

hope4family said:


> Talked to this one girl I met for a few hours online Sunday. Kinda hit it off.
> 
> Monday during work, I got several messages and this continued, into the night.
> 
> I was busy with my life. Considering we spoke about being "nothing serious" it drove me up the wall.


That would drive me UP the wall! I don't have time to respond to 1,000,001 texts in day. Let's just get together already... :slap:



hope4family said:


> I told her I can't respond because I was at work and had plans for tonight.
> 
> By 9 at night I was getting messages of "Did I do something wrong, you aren't talkative."
> 
> I was thinking, nothing serious, give me a day or three to arrange time to watch my son and we will meet up at a bar for a drink or something.
> 
> Maybe i'm old fashioned too.


See, that would be a major turn off for me. If I specifically tell someone to BACK OFF, then I expect them to have some respect for my request and BACK OFF, not be giving me the "Did I do something wrong?" "Why aren't you talking to me?" routine. Get a life! :slap: If someone said that to me then I'd would have the common sense to STOP bothering them and toss the ball into their side of the court. 

Sometimes too much is just that: TOO MUCH. Plus while I rather like the attention and being chased I don't want or need a series of texts bothering me constantly, especially to "just chat". I just went through this routine and had to "fix it" and tell the other person "it's not going to happen."

This is ESPECIALLY if I hadn't even met the other person. With that crap they won't BE meeting me because they are now a wackjob in my book.


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## Freak On a Leash

FrustratedFL said:


> I had loved and trusted this man more than any other man I ever met. Now I do not even recognize him. After 2 affairs and walking away from the marriage, family, all our debt and business , I have a hard time trusting anyone.
> 
> After hearing, "I don't find you sexually attractive anymore", "I don't respect you" You are always nagging about money, You are a miserable c*nt.... I am gunshy about taking a chance in trusting anyone again.
> 
> I hope this will pass when I am finally divorced and I can start to heal.


It will pass and you will come to realize that it's not YOU but your ex who had the issues. You are just fine the way you are and will come to know that within yourself. But you have to get over your ex first. 

My ex did a lot of the same stuff (minus the affairs) but IMO it was HIS problem, not mine. I'm just fine the way I am.


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## stillhoping

Its all so true. I don't think that damaged is quite the right word for it, more like permanently changed. The scars won't ever go away, but they don't need to continue to cause pain. I heard all the comments-I was told I wasn't a passionate woman, soo not true. Told I was bossy, well when married to a man who won't make plans or decisions but is the first one to criticize and all nature of other nasty comments. In the whole time, after 30 years together, he apparently couldn't think of even one thing he did to contribute to our marriage problems, oh except that he "didn't love me anymore". Well, I am doing it, moving on. Deleted his phone number, put up all the barriers I could to not run into him, told all my friends and family that mentioning his name is off limits, and that includes his family, or I am going to have to disappear from their lives as well. I continue to build my career and I am getting my house ready to sell, time for the constant reminder to be gone from my life


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## WomanScorned

I am damaged, but I don't think it's permanent. I think time will heal it, and it will take more time than I wish it would take. 
I am more aware now that nothing is safe and security is an illusion. The words 'soul mate' are a nice fantasy. I just hope the experience doesn't make me too jaded.


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## stillhoping

Oh Woman, I hope not, for you and for me. I think it is still out there, I see it in lots of my friend's and family's relationships, so I know its true. My job now is to believe I am worth it, expect it and get ready for when it comes!


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## Forever Changed

Yes.

My soul and heart have been permanently damaged.

But I've learnt a LOT about myself, life and people.


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## Jellybeans

WomanScorned said:


> I am more aware now that nothing is safe and security is an illusion


This is what I have learned/gained the most from the divorce experience.

Nothing is sure in life (except death and taxes)!


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## hope4family

Honestly, this past weekend. Sucked balls, I felt very "exposed". No idea why, because on paper I had an amazing time, and to be truthful i did, but when my events were over I felt so sick to my stomach.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser

No, the damage was done IN the marriage...by me staying TOO LONG in a situation I *knew* was unhealthy, but was too gutless to leave.

Once I finally decided to divorce him, I felt INSTANTLY BETTER. My depression began to lift, I had HOPE for a better future; a future *I* would write! There has not been a SINGLE DAY, nor hour, nor minute when I have regretted my decision to leave him. I only regret that I didn't STAY GONE when I left him a decade earlier!

This new life without my STBXH (we were together from 06/90-05/12) caused me to look at MYSELF with new eyes. If I was building a NEW LIFE for ME, I had to consider that my building blocks for a NEW LIFE needed to be strong. What was I building my new life on? ME, of course! So, I started exercising, eating healthily, asking/heeding advice on TAM, reading self-help books recommended on TAM.

I feel strong, smart, funny, joy-filled, hopeful, interested, interesting and GRATEFUL to TAM and total strangers around the world who CARE about helping others and themselves to have THE BEST LIFE POSSIBLE one day at a time, one step at a time!

If I NEVER marry again (and I don't suppose I will), or live with somone again, or have another LTR again...I *know* I will be more than 'alright' with my life. I love ME enough to require that I do the hard work necessary to live a FULFILLING life; and if someone wants to join me in it, they need to STEP UP and be motivated to be a healthy adult with me.


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## Freak On a Leash

:iagree: :iagree: :iagree: Agree with you 200% SGW! I'm in the same place. 

The marriage sucked. The divorce saved me. :smthumbup:


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## Nsweet

I know I'm damaged, but it wasn't the divorce that caused it. There were problems in my wife long before that came out during the divorce and the whole experience was very traumatizing, but it wasn't the divorce. If anything it was that I married someone I didn't know well enough and believed she would be the sweet and charming woman I met. Boy was I wrong! 

My wife changed almost overnight into a helpless teenager that could not be happy with anything I did for her and just would not help out or let me experience any emotions on my own without her approval. If I had a bad day at work I had to pretend everything was sunshine and rainbow sprinkles and then be there for her to pick her up when she was upset. I felt like a [email protected] being with her because I couldn't ever have an adult non-confrontational argument or offer constructive criticism without her crying and forcing me to apologize. She cried all the time over everything and made me feel like I was a failure as a husband for not making her happy. 

Then there was the cheating after I left my job to be with her, the year of betrayal, the lies and begging me for money so she could ignore me, the false allegations in court. It's no wonder I'm damaged. If I were to look in the mirror right now I would see eyes without a soul and a face I don't even recognize anymore. But I don't see it lasting forever and I do plan on getting married in another decade or less. It's just right now do not trust women to get close enough for a relationship. 

If I met the woman tomorrow, the "one", she would have one patient woman to work with me in time and earn my trust. It's not impossible, I just have been through so much I don't trust anyone right up front. I feel I would make a great husband one day with the help of TAM at my side, just not any day I'm under 30 years old. That's for sure!


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## stillhoping

The strategy of eliminating all possible contact is helping, although, like an addict in recovery, I still peek at him once in a while. Blocked his number, his email goes to spam (but I check it too often!). Anyway, today, my sons and their friends will be at my house, playing music, eating dinner and hanging out with me. I worked in the gardens, more efforts towards getting the house ready to sell. Even on the days where I am missing him and his sharing this life with me, I can now find many good things and reasons to smile. Spent the last two nights with great friends, doing fun things, little sad edge to it. But my friend reminds me, we were together for 30 years, the D is only just final for a year in May! I need to be more compassionate to myself. Keep your chins up and don't let the damaged parts be what runs your life. Thanks, as always for being here


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