# No Longer Attracted to My Wife (and other problems)



## Bob43 (Jul 9, 2014)

I'm new here and I am struggling with my marriage lately and just need some place to talk about it. 

I'm 43 and my wife is 50. We have been together for 20 years. We don't have kids together, but when we met she was divorced with a 10 year old son. He's 30 now and lives nearly 1000 miles away. 

For a number of years now I have been feeling that my wife is more of a roommate than a soulmate. We don't argue much and we are good friends, but that is about all. Lately there is no sexual desire on either side. Things really started the downward slide about six years ago. My wife was a petite brunette little 30 year old hottie when we met. When we first started dating she had a job that required her to dress up. Man did I love seeing her every day in her sexy little business outfits and high heels Sex was great. We did it all the time, even with having her son living with us. Over the years the frequency of sex has decreased. When I would bring it up to her, she would tell me that it was simply how things were. That ALL couples have less sex the longer they are together. I believed it. So back to my story. Six years ago my wife lost her job. Luckily I had a very good job and was able to support us on my income. She seemed to be happy to be a housewife and I liked having my wife at home. it was like I was living the Donna Reed show. Clean house, well dressed wife waiting for me with dinner every night, and renewed action in the bedroom. As time went on, she simply gave up looking for a new job and settled into her routine. She suffers from depression, and personally I see her as becoming more withdrawn. The house cleaning all but stopped. I go to work to pay the bills and I either have to come home to a dirty house or do the work myself. But the worst part in my mind (and I feel like an absolutely terrible person for saying this) is that she really let herself go. Now most days she doesn't even get dressed. Her outfit consists of a holey faded t-shirt, sweat pants, and grungy old slippers. In the winter she throws a ratty old bath robe over it. No makeup, no jewelery, maybe showers once a week and her hair always look dirty. She's also about 40 pounds overweight. I know it makes me sound shallow and superficial, but I have a hard time getting turned on by that. In the beginning of the end of sex, I was always horny and she was rarely if ever interested. Now, the rare times she does want sex, I am turned off by her appearance. Her depression also depresses me. It's been nearly two years since the last time we had sex. We don't even sleep in the same bed anymore. 

At some point I guess I just started to accept my lot in life. I vowed to honor and obey for as long as I shall live...... I accepted a life of little to no sex from here on out. But then things changed recently. First of all, I think some of my feelings are mid-life crisis. I feel like life is passing me by and my unhappy marriage is making me anxious. Second, last year a sexy mid 40's to early 50's-ish (I don't ask a lady her age) divorced woman started working in my office. I was immediately attracted to her-especially her fit, sexy legs. She's a stunning dresser and a very nice lady. She has two sons in their early 20's. We work in different departments so we have no valid work reason to interact, but I went out of my way to introduce myself to her. We have gotten to be pretty good friends over the past few months, but the thing is, I want more. It makes me feel terrible because I am a married man. I have never in 20 years cheated on my wife, but I still feel like I am cheating because not only am I friends with a woman who is not my wife, but I have serious thoughts of intimacy with this other woman. Thoughts and feelings I vowed to have only for my wife. Now I have never broached the subject of how I feel to this other woman. After all, I am married, and seeing how she is divorced, I don't want to come off like a pig if say, her ex had cheated on her and ended her marriage. I don't really want to have an affair. I think it is wrong and it doesn't speak much to my character (or hers if she is knowingly sleeping with a married man).

I have given consideration to divorce, but despite there being no spark between us and despite the fact that I don't find her sexually attractive anyomre, I still love my wife. I have spent most of my adult life with this woman. But how can I stay married to her if I am having feelings for another woman? My wife would be absolutely crushed if I left her, especially since her first husband left her for another woman. Fear of being alone also keeps me in the marriage. I went from my parents, to college, to my wife. At 43 years of age, I have never truly had to go at life on my own. Maybe I am being foolish because I don't know if this other woman even coniders being more than friends. I could leave my wife and end up with nothing. But if I am having thoughts about other women, should I even be with my wife anymore anyway? I really don't know what to do, but I do know that doing nothing will change nothing. I also can't see going the rest of my life with no more sex.


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## Eagle3 (Dec 4, 2013)

Has your wife seen anyone professionally or medically for her depression? I am sorry things are bad, but if your wife is like a zombie due to being depressed and if you are not getting her help so at least you have some answers is not going to fix things. It’s natural to be looking for some attention, but stop focusing on the woman at work and get focused on your wife and marriage. Talk to her and see if you can get any information out of her that might be making her depressed.

Also from your post you seem like a good husband (outside of the co-worker thoughts) but has there been anything you stopped doing for her? Did you stop wining and dining her, telling her how special she is, basically dating her like you used to when things were good? Just asking as a lot of times we don’t look inward at ourselves and only focus on what our partner is doing. So get her to see a Dr. or someone soon and try to be there as best you can. After all that nothing changes you have some hard decisions to make but you have to be happy too. In the meantime cut out the other woman at work, she doesn’t need to be dragged into a mess either. Good luck.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Is your wife being treated at all for her depression? Therapy is a must! Meds alone won't do a damn thing.

Nothing you can do until she is with a good therapist and working the program. You can insist she get treatment. You can tell her as long as she trying to get better you will be there for her, but if she continues to sit and rot away, you won't stick around and watch. Sometimes depressed people need a good kick in th ass!

Insist she shower before coming to bed. If you don't say anything she's going to assume you're okay with it. Insist she get dressed every day. Make her do these things.

Once she is reliably showering and dressing most days, then get into sex.

While her depression isn't your fault, pretending your okay with something you're not okay with isn't helping either of you.

You are allowed to live the kind of life you want, as long as you are honest about it. Starting a fantasy affair with a co worker...not honest. Telling your wife you require her to be fresh and clean before bed is honest. Pretending her lack of hygiene doesn't bother you is not honest. Pretending to be okay with the lack of sex isn't honest either.


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

Your wife does sound like she is suffering from depression. Is there anyone close to her who you can enlist to help you lovingly urge her to seek treatment? A friend or relative? Have you confided in your step son about his mother's health? Would he be able to offer you any support, despite living at a distance? 

What kind of conversations have you had with her about her lack of effort in the home, in the marriage, and with her appearance? I know it must seem like a touchy subject, but like AnonPink points out, you are not being honest with her to just try and tolerate the situation while you become increasingly vulnerable to an affair. 

You will have to sit her down for a serious conversation and make her understand that you are unhappy, and that you are very concerned that she needs treatment for depression. Follow up that conversation shortly after with another, and another. It WILL take more than one. Urge her to attend MC with you; show her that you want to work on this WITH her. Also, seek support for yourself--look for information for spouses with depressed partners, or find a therapist to guide you through the emotional ups and downs. 

You will have to be very proactive. Get yourself focused on your marriage ONLY, do everything you can do to get your wife to seek help, and then, if she will not budge, make the decision to move on if you feel you can't stay in the marriage and be faithful. You owe that to yourself, as well as to her.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Bobby my man, I try to warn guys about yoking to these older chicks. One the same age is bad enough. Hey, when you're in you twenties and early thirties, she's in her late thirties or early forties, its hotter than a Red Habanero pepper. That fire goes out when she hits her fifties and you see these firm mid thirties chicks sashaying around. Think its bad now, wait until you hit your fifties and she's in her sixties. 
I'm just telling you like it is man. I'm mid-late sixties and my gal is a decade younger. I wouldn't have it any other way.


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## Deep Down (Jun 21, 2014)

Your wife sounds like she is really suffering from depression. She has nothing to get dressed for each day! She really needs help. Tolerating this is not good for either of you. You probably both need some help here. Please see counsellors asap.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Deep Down said:


> Your wife sounds like she is really suffering from depression. She has nothing to get dressed for each day! She really needs help. Tolerating this is not good for either of you. You probably both need some help here. Please see counsellors asap.


She needs to live outside of you and take care of herself.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

Bob43 said:


> I have given consideration to divorce, but despite there being no spark between us and despite the fact that I don't find her sexually attractive anyomre, I still love my wife. I have spent most of my adult life with this woman.


That is not love. That is familiarity. 



Bob43 said:


> But how can I stay married to her if I am having feelings for another woman? My wife would be absolutely crushed if I left her, especially since her first husband left her for another woman.


If your W refuses to help herself with her depression, her fitness, and her general slovenliness, then there is nothing you can do about that. She takes you for granted and you allow it. 




Bob43 said:


> Fear of being alone also keeps me in the marriage. I went from my parents, to college, to my wife. At 43 years of age, I have never truly had to go at life on my own.



Need to grow up here a little Bob. You are a 43 year old grown man. Its this fear that is keeping you from enjoying life.




Bob43 said:


> Maybe I am being foolish because I don't know if this other woman even coniders being more than friends. But if I am having thoughts about other women, should I even be with my wife anymore anyway?


First off, stop this whole idea of cheating. That is the cowards way out, and in your situation it won't even help. You need to sit your wife down, have a prepared list of things that need to change in the marriage, and clearly state that if they don't, you will divorce. Tell her you will help her, but only if you see her making a real effort. If she refuses, YOU NEED TO DIVORCE. Then you can pursue any other romantic interests you want.




Bob43 said:


> I could leave my wife and end up with nothing.



Nothing ? What exactly do you have now ? A sexless, non caring, overweight, depressed slob wife. So yes, you won't have that. You will still have your job, half of all the money, your freedom, and a chance to have a new and fulfilling life with someone who cares for you, loves you, and wants you as a regular sexual partner.

Bob, if you are ONLY 43, have a good career and are in any kind of reasonable shape, you will be amazed at how many women there are out there that would want to be with you. Again, only fear holds you back.



Bob43 said:


> I really don't know what to do, but I do know that doing nothing will change nothing. I also can't see going the rest of my life with no more sex.



Like I already said, time to let go of your fear, demand change, and be prepared to D and move on if your W won't do what needs to be done. Time to start standing up for yourself. Good Luck.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

you two should join the same gym and work out together. That would do wonders for her depression.

Also, it sounds like you like sexy dressed women. Tell her that. Take her to a Fredricks of Hollywood, and open up the wallet man. Lots of lacy panties, push up bras, thigh high black stockings, garter belts, high heels. And make sure she ACTUALLY WEARS the stuff when you get home. 

Maybe the increased sexual interest while she wears the sexy lingerie will convince her that she is still pretty/sexy, and her attitude will improve.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

did I miss the part where you've had multiple heart to hearts and suggested she see a doctor about her depression and talk to her about her appearance and how you're no longer attracted to her? Or did you sit there in silence just hoping things would get better until they deteriorated to this point? 

because you do realize that the person who who is in the midst of depression is not in the best space. They really aren't able to help themselves. they need help. and they need the people around them who are in a stronger position to encourage them to dig out of the hole. 

this isn't about your wife's age. She lost her job and apparently that job was a large source of pride to her. Anyone who's lost a good job can attest to the sadness and loss. 

you need to get the hell away from the other woman. And work on your marriage. and you work on your marriage by talking and requesting that she get help because the situation is no longer tolerable.


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## Bob43 (Jul 9, 2014)

Anon Pink said:


> Is your wife being treated at all for her depression? Therapy is a must! Meds alone won't do a damn thing.


Therein lies a big problem. My wife was officially diagnosed back in 1998. She went to a psychiatrist a few times, but stopped going and summarrily dismissed all therapists as quacks. I have suggested therapy many times, but every time she says that she doesn't want to talk to someone else about how she feels. She thinks it won't help. So she has been trying to manage her depression with medication ever since. At one time or another she has probably been on every anti-depressant out there. Some have worked better than others, and some she had to stop due to side effects. Speaking of side effects, in the past, when I have confronted her about her lack of sexual interest, she blamed it on the medication she takes. She also claims the medication made her fat (sitting in front of the TV all day eating candy doesn't have anything to do with it). 

I do believe that medication alone isn't going to make her better, but she is extremely stubborn.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

well, turn off the cable service. Hook an antenna to the tv and have her try to channel surf with 4 channels.


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## Bob43 (Jul 9, 2014)

murphy5 said:


> you two should join the same gym and work out together.


You know, we used to hike, jog, and work out together. I think that stopped back in 2004. When we used to exercise together, I really got turned on watching her exercise. It also gave us quality time together to strengthen our bond by working on a common goal. She stopped first, and without her, I really cut back on exercise. About two years ago I started working out regularly and recently took jogging up again. I have tried to convince her to come with me, but she always says she isn't interested, or makes some other excuse. Lately it's that she wants to lose a few pounds before she starts exercising. I am an active outdoor person and I really wish she would get back into it. 

Sometimes I think part of the problem is that we don't have any common interests or hobbies. We really never had, and when we were younger I brought it up, and she dismissed it as "we don't have to like the same things, and we don't have to do everything together." I think in some sense this has driven us further apart. I like to do stuff, especially outdoor stuff, and she's a home body. Over the years I have really just developed my own life outside the marriage where I do my stuff and she does hers. As time went by, we have been spending more time apart than together. She really doesn't have any friends. When I bring this up, she claims that she is happy and doesn't need friends and she doesn't need to have a life outside of the house. She says she is happy staying home and working on her crafts, yet she complains that I am always off doing something. But when I suggest we do something together, we can't think of anything to do together other than sit there and watch TV. Not exactly quality time when she keeps telling me to shut up because she can't hear the show.


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## Bob43 (Jul 9, 2014)

GettingIt said:


> Your wife does sound like she is suffering from depression. Is there anyone close to her who you can enlist to help you lovingly urge her to seek treatment? A friend or relative? Have you confided in your step son about his mother's health? Would he be able to offer you any support, despite living at a distance?
> 
> What kind of conversations have you had with her about her lack of effort in the home, in the marriage, and with her appearance? I know it must seem like a touchy subject, but like AnonPink points out, you are not being honest with her to just try and tolerate the situation while you become increasingly vulnerable to an affair.
> 
> ...


The only person really close to my wife is her sister, and she lives on the other side of the country. Two years ago I did confide in my sister in law about my wifes depression and some of the problems in our marriage. When my wife found out, she was furious that we were, as she put it "talking about me behind my back." I guess my wife wants the outside world to think everything is okay. Her sister tries to offer advice, but I think it simply makes my wife resentful. My step son, hate to say it but he's a loser so he won't be any help. He is also the cause of a good amount of the turmoil in our marriage. At 30 years old he still hasn't fully figured out how to leave the nest and my wife is a terrible enabler. He was recently divorced and lost his job due to drinking (the idiot was offered rehab and keeping his job but he chose to simply be fired instead). He lost his house in foreclosure and had his car repossessed too. She brow beat me into letting him crash at our house for several months. I said no and basically she gave me an ultimatium that she would never forgive me if I forced her to put her only child out on the street. I know that he is her family and I am an outsider, but IMO she should be putting her husband first. He's a grown man, and not a kid. He feels that he should be able to do whatever he wants when he wants and party all the time, and frankly I am not going to support that. Despite my repeatedly forbidding it, she has given him thousands of dollars over the years. Very little of it was ever paid back despite repeated promises to do so. When I confront my wife about these behaviors she defends them every time by telling me that he's her only child and she believes that she insists that she was always doing the right thing for him at the time. She refuses to see her behavior as enabling. Frankly I am glad he moved out of state. Of course, his leaving worsened my wifes depression because now she has nobody in her life besides me, and I think their co-dependent relationship gave her some purpose.

As far as what kind of conversations I have had, they are generally superficial at best, and often the truth only comes out in a very not so nice way if we are arguing. I just can figure out a delicate way to approach telling her how I feel without her bursting in to tears or it turning into a fight. I know it needs to be done, but I am just afraid to do it. It has to be done. I took my vows and spent 20 years with this woman. I owe it to us to try and make things work, but it's getting started that is the hard part.


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## changedbeliefs (Jun 13, 2014)

Eagle3 said:


> Also from your post you seem like a good husband (outside of the co-worker thoughts)


After all he said, all his hanging on to this marriage that his wife has completely checked out of, all he has provided for her over 20 years....being attracted to another woman is a deduction from his status as a good husband? His marriage is at a CLEAR crisis point, and sounds like it has been for quite a while. He hasn't done a thing with her that's inappropriate, I think he's shown quite a bit of fortitude here.

Bob: your wife needs serious help. This is not your fault, I think you've made more than a fair effort, maybe even more than a significant effort. I understand the "for better or worse" perspective, but we all know, that has a limit. Some people need to help themselves, and if she won't, I wouldn't go down with the ship. You have a lot of life ahead of you to live.


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## WolverineFan (Nov 26, 2013)

Bob43 said:


> ...if I am having thoughts about other women, should I even be with my wife anymore anyway? I really don't know what to do, but I do know that doing nothing will change nothing. I also can't see going the rest of my life with no more sex.


I appreciate the fact that you have shared your feelings and the situation that your marriage is currently in. I provided the above quote for two reasons: First, a large number of married individuals have had romantic thoughts about other people at different points of their marriage. Love does not mean you won't be attracted to other women, it means that you will not act on those attractions and won't become consumed by thoughts of others. Love is a choice not a hormone or a phase or a crush. Second, "doing nothing" really will "change nothing". When is the last time you had a true heart-to-heart with your wife about where you are at and how you feel?

There is no reason in the world why you and your wife have to live out the rest of your marriage sexless. Although you cannot control the choices she makes, you can be honest and open with where you are at. Conflict resolution and Communication are the primary tools for change and intimacy. I highly recommend a book called _Love Must Be Tough: New Hope For Marriages in Crisis_ by Dr. James Dobson.

You are correct about another thing - you have no idea how this other woman thinks about you. We make fun of teen crushes because, as adults, we know that feelings can be hot one moment and cold the next! By the way, describing your wife as being over-weight doesn't make you shallow. Hearing how you described her when you first met, and how you are describing this other woman ("her fit, sexy legs"), now that reveals more about what your mind-set is. No judgment, I am a man myself and I do understand the struggle we have with our eyes. I simply have made the decision to take control over that area of my nature and not let it control me. I hope everything works out well for you and your wife. Blessings!


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

The way he talks about women, I wonder if he is kind of a jerk and upset his wife in the past.


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