# Lost in Indiana



## Lost in Indiana (May 8, 2012)

I know all of the details won't be in this first post. My mind is so mixed up and has been since D-Day, please forgive me for not saying what needs to be said, or supplying the info needed to understand my story. Please ask me any questions my post raises. I don't have a lot of time on the board, but promise to come back when I can to respond and read the comments you all may post.

Part 1

Wife and I have been together for 18 years. Married 17. We have two kids. D-Day was August 12th 2011. The AP is a former boyfriend of hers when they were in High School together. I discovered the affair by looking through an old phone of hers. It is both of ours first marriage. I am 12 years older than her.

We have had a history of possible infidelity before this, but that is only supposition on my part. Because of what I found out on D-Day, the earlier event(s) seems more likely to me now.

She was away on business. She's supposed to only be gone for a day or two at the most. The trip of course, ends up being 5 days long. I do believe now she knew all along how long she would be away. The weekend starts and I'm bored. Our main way on communicating during her business trips is by cell phones. Usually texting as she is on the road most of the time during her trips. (She is with a business partner and doesn't drive much, just so you know.) I've been having major problems with my cell phone. Texts not sending, or double or triple sending. Getting notifications and receiving nothing. She suggests when she returns, we take my phone back and get one like hers which is much newer and uses different operating system. I don't know anything about the newer system and decided to try and learn about it.

She has two phones, both identical. One for business one for personal use that she had turned off. This phone is at home with me. I never really messed with it as I didn't understand it very well. Today, frustrated with my phone, I decide I'll take the plunge and finally figure out the newer phone. After about half an hour I start to see why she likes the phone so much. The only thing I couldn't find was texting option on the phone. I hit a button and a new screen opens up. Texting menu. Finally I think and start seeing names I recognize. She is always on her phone talking to someone so the fact that my name isn't on the first screen doesn't surprise me. So I flip through the names looking for mine. Seeing names I know, and one I don't.

On this phone it shows the name and last text sent or received in the list. The text under the name is "Send me some Pics!!" Now her sending pics isn't that unusual because she does this a lot in the business she does, but something told me to open this folder. My hands start to shake as I read the last exchange between the two of them. The way she talks to him is the way I wish she would talk to me. I put the phone down and think about what should I do next. I decide I have to know, and load the full history of the texts between the two of them. It goes back almost a full year. I can see they started out slowly. He talks about friends they had while in school. His life, his kids, his ex-wife... They rarely talk about her except her business. There are gaps of months between texts. Then in the spring of 2011 they start talking daily. I can see by now they have been talking on the phone. They discuss meeting each other sometime when she comes through town on a business trip, but never can seem to find the time.

One day she leaves on a spur of the moment trip. Some legal issues have come up and she is needed out of state. Being the supportive husband at the time I told her to go, take care of it and be safe. She starts texting him as soon as she leaves. She explains what has happened and tells him what she is going to do on this trip. Small talk most of the trip, but she starts saying she wishes she could see him. He says the same things. They talk more about meeting. He asks her if everything is okay at home? She says it's fine, but she has just been thinking a lot about him. She tells him she has thought about him everyday since school. Then tells him she never stopped loving him. He said he had no idea she felt that way. He brings up a meeting they had just before she and I got married. He had tried to talk her out of marrying me. (He and I have never met.) She said she may have done that if he had been single at the time but he had a girlfriend then.

Then she tells him he should leave work and come meet her. He asks again about her home life, what about you H? She says we have an open marriage. He says really? That's cool then explains that he and his ex-wife were swingers when they were married. She says that fits him. He quickly decides to leave work and starts towards her destination. She ends up not going to where he is headed. He drives three hours out of his way when they finally realize, they will not be in the same place. She apologizes to him over and over, but keeps telling him how much she wants him, needs to be with him. He turns his direction of travel and heads to where she is staying. He arrives gets a room. She is with her business partner in the same hotel. Her business partner is an older woman just so you know. They text for hours waiting for business partner to fall asleep. She explains she has no way she can explain being out of the room. especially to meet someone, another guy even. Says her partner would never understand that.

At some point she finally goes to his room. Details are not discussed much but they both admit to having fun, how exciting it was and how sorry she is she had to leave so quickly. They plan to meet later that morning to continue what they started. they both fall asleep and miss the second meeting. He leaves and they talk about how they wished they had more time. They discuss future meetings, once again at least on this phone, they never can connect. She pushes him really hard to meet in another state and spend a weekend together. He claims he will have a son with him that weekend and can't come. She asks him to try and fix it. The weekend comes and goes they don't meet. She stops using the phone around July 4th, the day he asks her for pictures.

I'm stunned. I had no idea this guy even existed. She had told me about her past boyfriends. This guys name had never came up. At some point between D=Day and the PA started, she did drive to his house, with one of my sons, and borrowed money from him. She told our son they stopped there to pick up money he owed the business. The last contact I know of between the two of them was OM asking her for the money back and to stop ignoring him. She told him she has his money and isn't ignoring him. This was on Facebook.

When she returned from her trip, it's now three days past D-Day. I tried to limit contact with her till later in the evening. During the time of discovery and her return my mind was a mess. what should I do? How do I respond to what I know. Do I respond? Do I act like nothing is wrong? I knew I couldn't do this. I had to end the affair, I had to let her know I knew. But how? I finally decided to push her into telling me about it. I wanted to give her the chance to tell me what she had done. I was going to supply her with enough information to let her know I knew something was going on, without telling her what I knew, how much I knew or even how I knew.

Like you would expect, she had no idea what I was talking about when I asked her if she needed to tell me something. I asked if I needed to know something about a friend of hers. Nothing. An ex I asked. Still nothing but I could tell she knew what I was talking about. The walls went up. I knew I had to let her know some more of what I knew. The shock on her face hurt me. I could tell she had never wanted me to find out. Her mind was racing. I had hoped she would just come clean, hoped she wouldn't try to justify the PA. What I got I didn't expect.

I now know it's called Blameshifting.


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I'm on My phone or else I'd post something more substantial but I will I'm glad too see you posting and I will come back to respond when I can


----------



## Lost in Indiana (May 8, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> I'm on My phone or else I'd post something more substantial but I will I'm glad too see you posting and I will come back to respond when I can


Thanks AR, will take time to continue my story. I don't get much time to be on here. But looking forward to reading any and all posts.

I will continue when I can.


----------



## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

I feel for you LiA.

What are you planning now, as far as R or D?


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

So during your confrontation did she admit?

Has contacted continued with OM?

Contact OM wife and tell her you are not in a open marriage and are not in the swinger life style like them,expose this to his family. Even if your WW tells you he's divorced follow up and contact OMW to confirm. DO NOT TELL HER YOU ARE DOING THIS

You still have a lot of research to do in find all about OM. So stay quite and investigate OM and expose this A.

Its very important that NC is confirmed with AP. if they are both in contact then you are in a lossing battle. So until you can validate NC and your WW *writes* OM a NC letter that *you* send then make the affair as inconvienent and as uncomfortable by exposing it and seperate your money. You may need to show her some real consequences for her continuing her affair by filing for divorce....and remember filing and having her served is completely different then finalizing the D. A tactic in scaring her straight.



I


----------



## fallensoldier (May 6, 2012)

I'm so sorry for your pain. I know how shocking and hurtful it can be. Keep us updated and I do hope we can help you.


----------



## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

awaiting the rest of your story.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

So have you filed for divorce and moved her out of the house? Have you also exposed her cheating to friend, family, and the business partner?

Have you explained that your marriage isn't open, but now you no longer have to worry about it because you are no longer married to her?


----------



## Lost in Indiana (May 8, 2012)

There is a lot more to the story. Sorry but will take time to explain it all. I'm on my phone right now or would try to give more answers. As I said in the beginning this has been a bad couple of years, and it continues. Having to deal with other family issues that have come up. Hopefully sometime this weekend I can continue where I left off. I started this hoping I would be able to write more than I did at the time... Now dealing with other problems. I will be back soon I hope. Thank you for the words and comments so far, I will get back with you all.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

will look for it


----------



## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

While we are waiting would someone post a link to the 180? Can't seem to find it... Sorry for post jack
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Lost,

I just wanted you to know we are listening to you.

HM64


----------



## Lost in Indiana (May 8, 2012)

keko said:


> I feel for you LiA.
> 
> What are you planning now, as far as R or D?


Have a few minutes, will try and answer the questions so far.

Working towards a R. But trust me, far more to the story. Will get to that as soon as I can.


----------



## Lost in Indiana (May 8, 2012)

the guy said:


> So during your confrontation did she admit?


Yes



the guy said:


> Has contacted continued with OM?


After confrontation, there was some contact on FB, but not "Live" They seem to keep missing each other. I know she has talked to him at some point because she admitted to it later, but don't know what was said.



the guy said:


> Contact OM wife and tell her you are not in a open marriage and are not in the swinger life style like them,expose this to his family. Even if your WW tells you he's divorced follow up and contact OMW to confirm. DO NOT TELL HER YOU ARE DOING THIS


They are divorced, have no idea who she is. They have been divorced long before the A happened. I'm sure I could find her, but really don't see the point as they split before and don't get along according to friends of friends...



the guy said:


> You still have a lot of research to do in find all about OM. So stay quite and investigate OM and expose this A.


Know more than I have posted about so far, will explain as story goes on.



the guy said:


> Its very important that NC is confirmed with AP. if they are both in contact then you are in a lossing battle. So until you can validate NC and your WW *writes* OM a NC letter that *you* send then make the affair as inconvienent and as uncomfortable by exposing it and seperate your money. You may need to show her some real consequences for her continuing her affair by filing for divorce....and remember filing and having her served is completely different then finalizing the D. A tactic in scaring her straight.


Okay good advice here, and will talk about this later. I'm very new to the forum, and wish I had found you all back closer to D-Day, as I would have done some things different than I did but hopefully will start correcting the mistakes I've made.


----------



## Lost in Indiana (May 8, 2012)

fallensoldier said:


> I'm so sorry for your pain. I know how shocking and hurtful it can be. Keep us updated and I do hope we can help you.


Thank you so much for these words. It really helps knowing you all are out there. Hopefully I can get the time to complete the story to current soon. There is just so much to tell...


----------



## Lost in Indiana (May 8, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> awaiting the rest of your story.


As soon as I can, once I can post it hopefully you"ll all understand why it's taking awhile. PLUS I do want to show each of you I am reading what you are kind enough to say so far.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I'm sorry for your situation.

So it sounds like she admitted she's cheating on you, but she has chosen to continue the affair.

What does working towards R mean when she's still contacting him and in the affair? I'm sorry, but that's not R, that's them planning on how to take it underground or how she can best leave you.


----------



## Lost in Indiana (May 8, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> So have you filed for divorce and moved her out of the house?


No



Shaggy said:


> Have you also exposed her cheating to friend, family, and the business partner?


Have exposed her cheating, to some of our friends, some of my family, not hers. Not her business partner. The rest of story will explain why.



Shaggy said:


> Have you explained that your marriage isn't open, but now you no longer have to worry about it because you are no longer married to her?


Well have explained this to who I have talked to. Although we are still married and working on R.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Lost in Indiana said:


> Although we are still married and working on R.


What does this mean?


----------



## Lost in Indiana (May 8, 2012)

happyman64 said:


> Lost,
> 
> I just wanted you to know we are listening to you.
> 
> HM64


Thanks Happyman, means a lot!!


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I'm losing interest.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Take your ritalin


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

You cannot work on a realtionship of one of the partners in in an affair.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Those little contacts with OM are whats going to kill the marriage. I can't strees enough on how important NC is and the tough love approach right now must be taken.

As she continues to contact OM the more frusterated you get and the more detached you become. Its one thing to act and give the perception of detachment as a consequence but then as time goes on your WW is *really* going to lose you for good/real.

Do not waste any time now in making this A uncomfortable and convienent. Shut that damb FB down or at least block OM from her site/page.

From today forward, if she contacts OM expose this A to her side of the family, and OM side. Even if hes going thru a D go ahead and contact OM parents and ask for there support for your marriage.

Granted we haven't read the whole story, but I see some time being wasted as the affair *struggles* to survive, and thats a bad thing. Crush this A and stricking now while the iron is hot, if you know what I mean....


----------



## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Don't even bother with R. She's not worth it. She admitted to having an open marriage [to which you don't sound to agree] so I think it'll be difficult for her to go through NC and have an exclusive marriage.


----------



## Lost in Indiana (May 8, 2012)

Not sure how much I can write today, but will try to continue. I am writing this in stages throughout the weekend. Hopefully it makes sense.

Part 2

A little background. Early in our marriage maybe 6-7 years into it, a friend of ours was at our house helping us with computers. we were setting up the home network, our first attempt at broadband. We got it working and were testing the Internet connection. Talking to each other in different rooms. Our friend said something about how it all seemed to be working and asked us both was there anything else we wanted help with. My wife shocked us both by replying a Gang*ang... (Sorry not trying to offend anyone, but this did happen.)

I was really taken for a loop. She had never said anything like this before to me in private or around other people. Nobody had been drinking either. My friend and I laughed it off at the time and she thanked him and said she was going to bed, work early in the morning. Our friend went home but said he'd get on his computer and we could "talk". The first thing he asked me was is she serious? I honestly didn't know. We chatted for some time and decided he would talk to her about it.

As it turned out, she was serious. I realize this probably turns some or most of you off. At the time I didn't know what to think about it. Like I've read here and other forums this is usually something most people either are into or are not. I did give it serious thought and between the three of us we discussed it, set ground rules and proceeded. No gory or graphic details needed but we had fun. It happened more than once and we all followed the rules we all agreed to. He ended up moving away for work and that part of our life ended. I do continue to talk to him to this day and he remains a friend of mine.

She and I talked about it during this time, and after he left. We both agreed it was fun but it happened because of him. Trust, his friendship, It was possible we could find someone else, but neither of us needed it or had to continue that part of our marriage. Over the years the subject came up but we never did anymore than just talk about it. I had told her I found it exciting to do this. She had said the same thing. One of rules had been the two of us were always aware and involved. We all were there when anything happened.

That one guy, was the only time(s) anything actually happened, she and I talked about the swinger lifestyle, but agreed we didn't want someone we didn't "know". While we trusted each other, the other person had to be trusted also. We didn't feel we would find that in the swinger lifestyle.

Back to the confrontation night:

She did admit to what happened I didn't tell her much about what I knew, only that I found out she had slept with this guy and when. I asked her to tell me what had she done. She told me what I knew, some I didn't and filled in gaps I missed because it wasn't in her cell phone. I asked her why. She brought up the threesome we had with our friend. Said she knew how much I enjoyed it and wanted to bring that back into our relationship because she felt we both wanted it.

I told her if this is true, why didn't you tell him what you were doing? At this point she got really defensive and I knew her story was a lie. She told me he wasn't any good. (I expected this.) I asked her was this something she wanted to continue? She said no, she didn't want to have any contact with him anymore. Then I brought up the money he had given her. Showing her I knew more than she had told me. She told me she had already paid him back, Another lie, I found the FB message later from him asking for the money back.

At that point I told her no more lies, no more secrets. She agreed and said she was done with him. (Here is where I had wished I knew about NC letters and the advice I read here. The thought of NC letter never occurred to me.) Our anniversary was coming up and we agreed we would go away talk about our marriage and our life and we would work through this. I, to this day, can't say I trust her like I did before D-Day. I also know I never will be able to get it back to 100%. Keyloggers, Check. That's how I found out they did still talk. I put a program on her phone. I saw all text messages, emails, websites, and pictures on her phone. The contact with OM ended after about a month after confrontation. Although he did try to contact her, she ignored him as promised. From his attempts to contact her, he wasn't happy. Oh well, sorry jerk.

The following months turned our lives upside down. We were trying to work on the marriage, it was getting better but one son gets kicked out of school. Her father, who owns the house we are attempting to buy, gets sick. Her Grandfather passes away. Her father still sick but now home, relapses and starts drinking again. My grandfather gets very sick. Her father goes into rehab. Her business partner turns against us and the partnership ends. Our house catches on fire, and we lose everything. Our family is uninjured, but everything is gone. Fire happened at 3:30am we had what we we're wearing as we slept. My Grandfather passes away. Her father leaves rehab to take over insurance issues with our house. Everything is in his name, we have no choice but to watch him drink and deal with insurance company. I lose my job as I try to work to save our lives with my father-in-law and insurance company. Apparently working 60+ hours a week isn't enough for my employer. They feel they tell me when I work and I don't. There is plenty of time for phone calls off the clock. 7am-7pm leaves more than enough time to settle, find a place to live, go to funerals, fix my marriage.... (Losing my job actually turns out to be a good thing so far, as our house and insurance seems to finally actually coming close to settlement now.)

All of these things occurred between August of last year and now. Top this all off with her working, and going to college full time. She is already one year behind in school due to a work related injury to her two years ago. Then we are sued by a former landlord for a screwed up land contract that forced us to move to the house that burnt down. Lawsuit was after fire, we had been released from the contract because they found "other" buyer for the house. These landlords decided they needed a piece of our "good fortune" as our house is fully insured. Some really "Nice" people in this world isn't there? All of our proof of the released land contract was lost in fire. Their version of the contract still had wet ink on the paper. They are well respected in the city where we lived. We had no chance nor money to fight. Forget the time to even think about how to fight it.

Needless to say, throughout most of this working on the marriage seemed to be the least of my wifes worries. When I do bring up anything about us, she starts with: "I thought we were over this." or "I'll never live this down!" "Why do you keep bringing this up?" "Oh like we don't have enough to worry about, now you want to bring this up again?" I know this is blameshifting, I know she is to blame. I read what she told him in the text messages, this had nothing to do with me. I have tried since to get her to admit to what was really going on. The truth is what I need to hear. It's easier to forgive which she did ask me to do, if I know the truth, no more lies. She still claims she told me the truth.

I have to admit, working on the marriage lately hasn't been a priority. Finding a roof to put over our kids heads, food, clothes, making sure they attend school. Trying our best to get them back to normal after waking them up in the middle of the night screaming "our house is on fire!" is a terrifing experiance. Trying to rebuild our lives not only in the relationship part but from the ground up isn't easy. Add to that the deaths in our family since the begining of this year, my father-in-law doing his best to make sure we get no money out of the house fire, the law suit and the settlement for it... It's just like we're in cruise control when it comes to her and I. But I still remember. I can't forget. The excuses she uses when we talk are legit. Its' not like there isn't important things going on that need our attention. Yes our marriage is one of them, but in her eyes we're fine. I should be over it. I'm not saying it's as bad, we're trying to rebuild our lives completely. I was worried there would be contact from the OM after the fire. There hasn't been. I do still monitor her communications. Sometimes I feel like all of the other stuff in our life saved her from having to deal with "us". I'm sure she uses any and every excuse she can to avoid dealing with me and our marriage.

Dealing with the house fire was and still is a traumatic experiance. In some ways it brought us closer together. We all survived it together. As Parents we know that our children look up to us for answers, and support. Dealing with their nightmares, their questions is something we deal with daily. Mom and dad splitting up right now isn't something her nor I have considered since the fire. But I still can't get it out of my mind. Sometimes I wonder does she feel like she got away with it and could do it again, she just needs to be more careful. Has she done this before? Like I said in part one, at one other time I felt something was going on with her. I had a feeling she was hiding something. Phone calls she took to the other room. Phone calls when I answered, the caller hung up. (We didn't have caller ID where we lived then.) One day she was called back to work an evening shift. She took my car. Her car had the kids car seats in them, I had the kids... We lived way out in the country. In the middle of nowhere we were told. That night there was a knock on the door. Her boss from work standing at our door. the look on his face told me everything I need to know. He asked for my wife. Told him she wasn't there. he said he was out bicycling was in the area, and thought he stop to say hi. Said goodbye and almost ran back to his bike. Never saw anyone ride a bike that fast on a gravel driveway.. Out biking in our area? He had to ride at least 3 miles away from the main road to get anywhere close to our area.. When I "mentioned" to her later that night her boss had stopped by to say hi to her, she blew up. Accused me of thinking she was having an affair with him. I was too stunned to say much. Within a couple of weeks she changed shifts he moved on and the phone calls stopped. 2+2=4. Although I have no proof, I'm pretty sure it was more than a boss employee relationship. She did after all marry one of her bosses, me. You could say here is some history there.

I know what I should have done last year. Friends told me after hearing the story told me I should leave, divorce her never look back. Even after the fire most of my friends understand why we're still together. Things are calming down now. Life isn't normal by any means, but were are doing our best. I have been keeping my eyes on the OM. I did research. Know where he lives, works. Friends of mine are "friends" of his. He is involved in a relationship that appears to be going well. I found him on a swingers website even. Have been able to track him there. he hasn't made any contact with my wife that I can find, since last year. She hasn't done anything that makes me wonder. (I know, she could just be getting better at it.) She does act as if she wants this marriage to continue. Our sex life is what it was before D-Day. BTW, the program on her phone tracks her GPS signal. I know where she is always. She has never gone anywhere near his home. Or is always where she says she is going to be when she is away. I can also have her phone record surrounding conversations. Have learned interesting things, but nothing about the OM or anybody else that has anything to do with another guy. With the exception of telling me the truth, she does appear to be staying with the marriage.

I just don't understand why she sticks to the story she told. Why she just assumes I should just let it end, forget about it and go on as if nothing happened...


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Sorry, but a clear and committed serial cheater she is.

But a next opportunity she waits for.

Keep those keyloggers and gps active, and at least you'll know when it's going down.


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Have you ever spoken to her expartner to see why the business relationship died?

I think your wife was having more fun witjout you than with you, especially with the swinger boyfriend/ boss.

Stay vigilant.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

She is addicted to variety. It was her idea to swing with your friend. You know she banged her boss and her ex from high school. The prevailing wisdom around here is that a serial cheater cannot be cured. If you want to try and make it work anyway there is a set of instructions for the wayward spouse that you study together. 

She has no idea whtat you are going through. After all you didn't mind her having sex with your friend. 

The only way you are going to get all of the truth is force her to take a polygragh. I'm certain she knows if she takes it you will hav to leave her. I would think three is just the tip of the iceberg.

I agree with happy, you should talk t her ex partner no matter why she says the partnership fell through.

You need to read these books but frankly, I'm guessing she is hopeless.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/18181-man-up-nice-guy-reference.html

No More Mr. Nice Guy

Married Man Sex Life | How to have the marriage you thought you were going to have. By which I mean doing it like rabbits.

MMSL is not a sex manual and should be thefirst one on your reading list. 

Also google serial cheaters and see what you can learn there. This looks like a hardwiring, psychological problem.


----------



## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

I think you run a very dangerous game when you start on the sexual deviancy of 'gang banging'/swinging (I know you didn't swing but it is something that interests the 2 of you). She says you have an open relationship, and in a way you do. Monogamy and group sex/threesomes do not go hand in hand. 

Deviant sexual behaviour should remain as fantasy in the mind, as once it is made a reality you are now on a slippery slope. I am not surprised she is cheating. That 1st incident with your friend fixing the computers in your home, that was not a red flag to you of 'my wife wants to screw other men'. You actually indulged her fantasy. Your fantasy too? And so here you are...your wife can easily say to herself you are in an open marriage and screw other men because she has done it already with your blessing. 

You need to reestablish the rules of your marriage and what you both want from your partnership, what you find acceptable and what you do not. You need to find out from her if an open marriage is what she wants, and if she is capable of nothing more committed. And if you can accept that.


----------



## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

So are you going to monitor her till the rest of your life? 

You let her have an extramarital relationship and now you're wondering why you're lost?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

It's just a matter of time until she starts up again. This stuff has probably been going on since the beginning, whenever she gets the bug for some strange. It becomes an addiction and it's clear that addictive personalities run in her family. 

DNA the kids.

Also, it's generally a bad idea to let other guys do your wife as the woman will usually get a taste for it (read MMSL or Roissy for the scientific details). I'm guessing your friend (and your wife's other playmates) wasn't using rubbers, right?

Did you actually allow your wife gangbangs, or was it a threesome?


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

BTW, the reason no one here approves of a swinger lifestyle is that it never works out. The same with girls nights out. The wife always manages to find what she thinks is a better partner but that relationship also fails 97% of the time.


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

wow


as much as there is to address the most important thing you need to realize is that your wife never faced real consequences for her actions, and thus it is likely she continues to tell other men you guys are swingers and she gets her strange when she can, nor will she have any incentive to tell you the truth

youve read enough of this forum to know it often takes a marriage to be blown up before it is rebuilt.

The common struggles you have both faced have really distorted your view on who your wife is. Imagine you are in a war, the guy next you in the trenches faces the same horrors as you do and together you get through the blood and bombs and finally the war ends. Back at home you and your buddy hang out since you had such a unique bond but then it turns out that your trench buddy is a thief and continually steals from you. Although you had such a traumatic shared experience, now that the dust has settled you have no interest in allowing this man to steal from you. Thus you should cut ties with that man until he can prove to be trustworthy.


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

LIA, I am so sorry that you're here. No one person should have to endure the trauma and tragedy that you've suffered over the space of just a few short months. I just kept thinking about how I'm glad that I'm not you.

Your life is a mess and I'm glad that you appear to be putting it back together. However, your marriage may not survive because, as others have pointed out, your wife has tasted the forbidden fruit -- and now she's hooked. Before I discovered my wife's affairs, one night while making love, she asked me what my fantasy was. I was shocked because she had never inquired about this before. I didn't respond and she mentioned that most guys usually fantasize about being with two women. I said yeah that's a good one -- and quickly changed the subject. In my mind, I didn't know how to respond because I thought she was setting me up or trying to get me to say something that she could use against me later. She had always had intimacy issues throughout our 20-plus years together and the red flags should've gone up. But I digress.

I'm sure that the swinger lifestyle works for some people but marriage is difficult enough without the added dynamics of someone else screwing your spouse (with or without your permission.)

Good luck.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

This crap ain't going away. There is a huge elephant in the room, if you know what I mean?

I mean you know the truth and she sticks to her story, but you don't force your hand and expose the truth to her. If this's all correct then I stand by my 1st statement that this will never go away.

So you have the option to confront her again and will get the same responce. You can confront her on a daily/hourly bases and continue to push her until she breaks or leaves. You can tell her what you know and what will realy change. Nothing she will say she's sorry and the both of you will stay on cruise control, everything is to fragile right now to take action. So...........

I hate this but IMHO you can continue to monitor and when she cheats again you can then go nukelar. Lets face it, its not a matter of if but when she cheats again.

My thinking her as the kids settle down and some cence of normalcy returns she will get comfortable enough to step out again and then you can blow her behavior out of the water and she realizes that she needs help.


Or you can look at this way and figure since there is so much termoil in your families life, whats one more issue like divorce? Hell you both have nothing so the division of assets are real easy. Your wife quits school just to have 50/50 on the kids. I think you will come out more ahead if you D now rather then waiting for her next A maybe 5 years from now.

I can tell you from experience that having a serial cheating wife wait a handful of years before cheating again can happen, my fWW went 5 yrs once...bandti.45 xW I think went a decade...


----------



## Lost in Indiana (May 8, 2012)

Thank you all for your responses. As soon as I can respond I will. I'll answer the questions raised and maybe even ask some of my own. Thank you all so much.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

You've opened up pandora's box. You've created a serial cheater. What happens when the next guy comes around and she wants to introduce him into the bedroom for a threesome but she give's him a "test drive" first? Is she going to tell you that he sucks in the sack too? I have a feeling that your gonna find out that half the male populace is going to suck in the sack as far as she's concerned. But she'll keep trying to find the right one!!! 

Here's the deal. She didn't do it for you or her for a possible future threesome. She had an affair. Plain and simple. And she using your past as a guise.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

crossbar said:


> You've opened up pandora's box. You've created a serial cheater. What happens when the next guy comes around and she wants to introduce him into the bedroom for a threesome but she give's him a "test drive" first? Is she going to tell you that he sucks in the sack too? I have a feeling that your gonna find out that half the male populace is going to suck in the sack as far as she's concerned. But she'll keep trying to find the right one!!!
> 
> Here's the deal. She didn't do it for you or her for a possible future threesome. She had an affair. Plain and simple. And she using your past as a guise.


I agree that swinging is ridiculus but I think she was headed down the cheating path no matter what OP did or could have done. I think he has only seen the tip of the iceberg. I doubt she knows how many men she has slept with. She is the one with the idea tio have a gang bang in the first place.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

chapparal said:


> I agree that swinging is ridiculus but I think she was headed down the cheating path no matter what OP did or could have done. I think he has only seen the tip of the iceberg. I doubt she knows how many men she has slept with. She is the one with the idea tio have a gang bang in the first place.


Yes, cheating is bad - but swinging is that kind of bad on steroids.


----------



## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

chapparal said:


> I doubt she knows how many men she has slept with. She is the one with the idea tio have a gang bang in the first place.


The thought I had was the wife and the friend were already doing the deed and set up her "suggestion" so they could defuse the bomb of potential discovery.


----------

