# Girlfriend does not want to wait.



## dksmith (May 23, 2016)

My girlfriend (34) and I (36) have been together for 3 years. She wants to get married, but I feel we are not ready yet. She was in a relationship for 10 years before me that did not end in marriage and feels like she wasted her time. When we started dating she told me that if everything goes well she would like to get married in two years. I told her that I would like to have money saved for us to buy a house before we get engaged then get married and move in together. At the time I had 20k saved up for a house. A year after we stared dating she graduated from school and said she needed a little help with rent and bills until she was able to get a job. Later on she started to say that she has issues with work, due to coworkers being mean in the past and was afraid of working. I have always been supportive and said to keep trying offering to help her with practice interviewing or finding something she could do from home to work. The whole time I have been helping her with her bills and paying my bills and no longer have any money saved. She really wants to get engaged now and feels she is wasting her time. She recently had myrtol prolapse valve repair on her heart and will not be able to work for a while. I have told we have no money and need to save up first to get married. Am I wrong for feeling this way?


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

Run.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

You should only get married when you find a suitable person that meets your needs. You shouldn't get engaged just because you've been dating for a couple years and seems like the next logical step. It doesn't sound like you want to marry her. 

As far as the money thing goes, it's a very BIG deal. If she's convinced you to blow through 20K in one year that you had earmarked for a house, then you are probably not financially compatible together. It will also only get worse once you are married and she becomes legally entitled to your income.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Hm. While I don't feel you need to have all of those boxes checked before getting married, it is telling that you have already had to blow your savings just to hlep her make ends meet. I understand she had some health issues but before that, she had work related issues (what grade is she in - they're being "mean"? and she's "afraid" of work? good grief...) and she wants to work from home. 

Here is what I potentially see happening - you marry and live in an apartment while she works less and less from home and she ends up pregnant. Then she stays home with the baby, and you understand for a while but want her to work part time or work from home but it never happens so you become the breadwinner by default. The inequity of it all and her unwillingness to contribute will become a huge drain on you and resentment builds up. She'll play the health card and make you seem like the bad guy until it all dissolves and you end up paying alimony and child support.

You two are not on the same page financially. Talk about how you handle credit, major purchases, etc. Is she a spender while you are a saver? What about a compromise - she gets counseling to address her anxiety issues, gets a job and establishes a career path and THEN you'll get married. Forget the 20K - make sure she's employed and has the tools to cope so she can STAY employed. Go from there.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

Shoto1984 said:


> Run.


Him or her? 

I realize that the original poster is ALWAYS right, but you need to temper it with the fact that you're defending a 36 year old commitment phobe. And as nuts as she got trying to deal with his issues, he ain't exactly a catch either.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

LOL,
He committed 20,000 $ to her, according to him. Yeah, he's smart to not commit to this financial black hole and work avoider.
Is there more info I don't know? Yep.......


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## dksmith (May 23, 2016)

Why am I a commitment phobe?


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

MachoMcCoy said:


> Him or her?
> 
> I realize that the original poster is ALWAYS right, but you need to temper it with the fact that you're defending a 36 year old *commitment phobe*. And as nuts as she got trying to deal with his issues, he ain't exactly a catch either.


Not everyone feels that they need to have government/religious sanction in order to make a commitment. 

Considering how many marriages fail to last as long as the typical cell phone contract, I wouldn't exactly call marriage all that profound of a commitment in the first place.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

dksmith said:


> Why am I a commitment phobe?


You're not. She wants a wedding not a marriage. 
Your instincts are telling you so. 
Sure a wedding these days costs around 20k now. (There goes your savings)
I got married last year, we only spent around £500 if she's willing to do that then she loves you.
If not then do as the other poster said. Run!!! 

Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

She's 34, I get it, the biological clock is going tick tick tick. Anybody who is going to want to wait for the right time to get married is going to seem like a waste of time to her. I think I would strongly consider dumping her and let her find a guy who is as desperate as she is.


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

dksmith said:


> My girlfriend (34) and I (36) have been together for 3 years. She wants to get married, but I feel we are not ready yet. She was in a relationship for 10 years before me that did not end in marriage and feels like she wasted her time. When we started dating she told me that if everything goes well she would like to get married in two years. I told her that I would like to have money saved for us to buy a house before we get engaged then get married and move in together. At the time I had 20k saved up for a house. A year after we stared dating she graduated from school and said she needed a little help with rent and bills until she was able to get a job. Later on she started to say that she has issues with work, due to coworkers being mean in the past and was afraid of working. I have always been supportive and said to keep trying offering to help her with practice interviewing or finding something she could do from home to work. The whole time I have been helping her with her bills and paying my bills and no longer have any money saved. She really wants to get engaged now and feels she is wasting her time. She recently had myrtol prolapse valve repair on her heart and will not be able to work for a while. I have told we have no money and need to save up first to get married. Am I wrong for feeling this way?


Her desires stem from her past failings. You want to yield to her past failures? 

Optimally, individuals learn from the mistakes that they encountered from past partners, but also from mistakes they made, themselves. To truly move on is to allow the future to be written on its own.

Your desires are your desires. They don't change, just because she was traumatized. Objectively, you are not in a great place to incur the financial burden of a wedding. That is going to lower the success rate of your relationship.

Don't logic or reason with her. Just lay the facts out on the table. Her opinion is still valuable. Let her opinion lay on the table with yours. They don't have to meet in the middle. If they don't, the relationship could end, but it'd be worse if you yielded out of fear and it failed for reasons along those lines. If you lay out the facts and your opinion, she will have to face them on her own: leave you or stay and wait until its the right time. If she gives you an ultimatum, then consult with what you have laid on the table.

"I'm not ready" or "I still don't think we are ready financially/enough time in/etc."

Then leave it at that for her to come to terms with.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

A few things, and I'll be brief because I must, so sorry if I miss anything important. 

Her biological clock is ticking (in case she wanted children) and many women will certainly want to be married before their chance is gone. 

Her 10 year relationship prior is not your problem, however you need to be understanding that it's a long time to "waste" on someone that wasn't going to meet her needs. Right now, she's not sure if you will, either. I know exactly how this likely feels from her perspective, because I wasted 13 years on an ex H that wasn't going to join me in the future I wanted. Time is NOT on our side. That was all my best childbearing years down the tube, and I have to live with that. But that was totally MY past to own, not expect any future partner to make up for it.

To me, it's a red flag if she is unable to work and support herself without you, unless her health issues make it impossible for her to work. Then again, depending on her life circumstances, she may have had a rough time recovering from her last relationship. No matter how much you encourage her, only she can take the steps necessary to improve her future. If she won't, then she's showing you it's not what she really wants. She may just want to be carried at this point in her life. If you're not OK with that, and you've talked about it extensively with her, I suggest you let her go. 

She told you 2 years until marriage. That was my ultimatum as well, but I worked and am an independent person. You should marry someone because you want to, regardless of everything being in perfect order or not. 

If you don't want to be married, or hesitant because of what she's been showing you, then you have to tell her immediately. At her age, she doesn't want to hear "If_____ , then we can marry." Conditional marriage is going to make her think that you don't want to get married. If you have misgivings, it's fine for you to feel that way, but if that's the case you should really let her go.

Nothing wrong with what she wants either, but you are probably not the man prepared (or excited) to provide it for her. Maybe you need a woman that can provide more value in return than your gf is currently capable of.


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## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

Ask her why if all else remains the same, being married means she isn't wasting her time anymore.

Don't accept vague fairy tale answers about how marriage is just so much better and a deeper level of commitment, if she goes there you can cite divorce statistics which clearly show marriage to be an outdated, failed concept for many if not most. You can cite numerous stories, starting with real people right here on this very forum, who saw good relationships turn bad immediately after the vows were exchanged. 

If she wants marriage you want real, tangible reasons why things will be so much better than the time wasting situation she's enduring right now.

Be prepared for the sound of crickets.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Are you okay with supporting her the rest of your life? Some men don't mind a wife who's completely financially dependent on them and some do. You need to know which you are because she's setting that up now.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

dksmith said:


> Why am I a commitment phobe?





dksmith said:


> My girlfriend (34) and I (36) have been together for 3 years. She wants to get married, but I feel we are not ready yet.



After three years? Your lives are already intertwined. You are half way to a common law marriage. You're scared.


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## MarriedTex (Sep 24, 2010)

Ask yourself this question: If you broke up with her, would you feel more sad or relieved? The truthful answer to that question will guide you in your decision making process.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

MrsAldi said:


> You're not (a commitment phobe). She wants a wedding not a marriage.
> Your instincts are telling you so.
> Sure a wedding these days costs around 20k now. (There goes your savings)
> I got married last year, we only spent around £500 if she's willing to do that then she loves you.



If I misread something, then I apologize. But I didn't see anything like "we talked about just doing a small ceremony in the garden, but she insistson a big one".

Is THAT all we're talking about here OP? You've already comitted yourself to her forever in some private ceremony, it's just a dispute on what kind of wedding to have?

Until I hear from him, I'm saying "I doubt it". This doesn't come out of the mouth of someone opposed to big weddings. This comes out of the mouth of someone scared to commit.

And I REPEAT!



dksmith said:


> My girlfriend (34) and I (36) have been together for 3 years. She wants to get married, but I feel we are not ready yet. ?


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

This might be a semantics problem. 

Do you love her and wish to spend the rest of your days with her as her best friend, lover and life partner?

"No" - Then dump her. That has nothing to do with being "ready for marriage". You're stringing her along. It's not fair to her. That would be the only admirable thing to do. If you want to keep her around for a little booty call and what not, fine. But let her know THAT too so she can make a decision.

"Yes" - You're 36. She's 34. "Marry her". This discussion should be about how, exactly, you "cement" that relationship, however you choose do it. But instead, it's a 36 year old guy saying that he's "not ready" three years into a relationship. REALLY?

If I'm wrong, let me know. But I'm not wrong. I'm rarely wrong.

I joked about how the OP is always right earlier. You all jumped right in. This should be a wake-up call to people that NEVER look at the other side of the story.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

@MachoMcCoy if he's not ready for marriage then get a younger woman perhaps? 
Some men don't get the biological clock until the 40s. 


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

I see red flags everywhere, from her, and from you.

Why is it that we (humans in general) settle so often?

Do you love her? Quite frankly, she sounds like someone who is looking for an easy life... I don't know about her health issues, I know nothing of the sort, but 20K in a year????


I would totally dump her. I am at a point in my life where I need a man who stands on his own two feet (financially, emotionally, etc).

You should too.


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## dksmith (May 23, 2016)

Openminded said:


> Are you okay with supporting her the rest of your life? Some men don't mind a wife who's completely financially dependent on them and some do. You need to know which you are because she's setting that up now.


I don't have the income to support us.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

dksmith said:


> My girlfriend (34) and I (36) have been together for 3 years.
> 
> A year after we stared dating she graduated from school and said she needed a little help with rent and bills until she was able to get a job.
> 
> ...


Has she ever held a job? Does she have a job now? If she has a job, she is eligible for short term or long term disability pay, and a leave from work where they take her back once she's healed. If she has no job, well, she's shown you she doesn't really want one, so you would be foolish to expect her to ever get a job if you are supporting her.

Someone who doesn't want to work often does want to glom onto a provider. Maybe she sees you as her KISA who will support her now, and after the kids arrive. Marriage is not for you if you want a wife who will contribute financially.


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## dksmith (May 23, 2016)

MachoMcCoy said:


> This might be a semantics problem.
> 
> Do you love her and wish to spend the rest of your days with her as her best friend, lover and life partner?
> 
> ...


I did not say I was not ready. I said that I feel we are not ready, because financially we are not. If I lose my job and we have no money saved up what would we do? I posed this same question to her before also.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

dksmith said:


> My girlfriend (34) and I (36) have been together for 3 years. She wants to get married, but I feel we are not ready yet. She was in a relationship for 10 years before me that did not end in marriage and feels like she wasted her time. When we started dating she told me that if everything goes well she would like to get married in two years. I told her that I would like to have money saved for us to buy a house before we get engaged then get married and move in together. At the time I had 20k saved up for a house. A year after we stared dating she graduated from school and said she needed a little help with rent and bills until she was able to get a job. Later on she started to say that she has issues with work, due to coworkers being mean in the past and was afraid of working. I have always been supportive and said to keep trying offering to help her with practice interviewing or finding something she could do from home to work. The whole time I have been helping her with her bills and paying my bills and no longer have any money saved. She really wants to get engaged now and feels she is wasting her time. She recently had myrtol prolapse valve repair on her heart and will not be able to work for a while. I have told we have no money and need to save up first to get married. Am I wrong for feeling this way?


You are not wrong but what you are feeling is cold feet because deep down you know she is not the right mate for you. You do not want a wife who would *let *you spend your life savings on her prior to marriage.

If, after 3 years you are not champing at the bit to marry this gal, it's because you know it's not right and you're wasting both of your's time.

I made that same mistake, BTW, spending my savings on both my ex and current husband prior to marriage. They both turned out to be people who burned through money I earned on things they did not NEED and never seemed to care about my future security. Though my current H is much better now, we are way behind for our age thanks to him.

If I could do it all over 1) I would have "run" as others advised, or at the very least I would have told him (while we were dating):

You have two options:
1. I can help with your part of the bills one more time this month as a friend
OR
2. We can have a romantic relationship. You figure out what you need more.

It's a little different in my mind since you're the guy and she's the woman. Traditionally men are more likely to support women. But it's not different that you had $20K (The exact amount I had saved before my first H. I had zero after...) and now you don't. She knew you were trying to save for a good future. Her character/values enabled her to let you spend your savings on her. This nature probably will only get worse with marriage when she feels even more entitled and secure.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

dksmith said:


> I did not say I was not ready. I said that I feel we are not ready, because financially we are not. If I lose my job and we have no money saved up what would we do? I posed this same question to her before also.


What was her answer? 



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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

dksmith said:


> I did not say I was not ready. I said that I feel we are not ready, because financially we are not. If I lose my job and we have no money saved up what would we do? I posed this same question to her before also.


I agree with you here. She needs to prove, over time, that she's not going to be a spouse who spends all you can possibly earn. If you marry her then hope for change, you're highly unlikely to get it, no matter how much she says "but this is a temporary problem." This latest heart issue is not her fault, but the clear pattern developed before the heart condition. The same thing happened with my H. He didn't pull his share when he was healthy and I put up with his "next month, next month I promise" routine for years. Now he has really bad health issues and literally cannot work a regular job, and I'm really screwed working about 10 hours a day/7 days a week to keep just to keep the lights on for us in the expensive area he doesn't want to leave.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

dksmith said:


> I don't have the income to support us.


Then you need to really think hard about marrying her because she's shown a reluctance to work that's not likely to change. She appears to be looking for someone to support her and the children she wants. Sounds like that's not really manageable for you. Better to deal with it now before you eventually find yourself in deep financial trouble.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

> She was in a relationship for 10 years before me that did not end in marriage and feels like she wasted her time.


So, she was 31 when she started seeing you, and still hadn't graduated whatever school she was going to and had no job. 

So, from age 21 to 31, she dated her ex. Did she have jobs then? Why did that relationship end? Was it due to financial and job related issues? Who was paying for her school?


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

dksmith said:


> I don't have the income to support us.


Sounds like marriage is not even on your radar, but you do need to ask yourself where you see your relationship going. Do not let fear or social expectations make the decision for you, instead you should live for yourself for now (because you have not made vows to live for anyone else yet) which doesn't mean be a selfish a-hole and disregarding of your partner, but it does mean being honest with yourself and putting your own priorities first. If you don't you WILL find yourself trapped in a relationship you never wanted which won't fulfill your needs and where you have made vows that you didn't truly intend to keep.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

dksmith said:


> I did not say I was not ready. I said that I feel we are not ready, because financially we are not. If I lose my job and we have no money saved up what would we do? I posed this same question to her before also.


I don't even know what this means.

So, because you are not married, if you lose you job you...

...what? You stop dating her?

I truly don't get this. 

And you didn't answer my question. Is she the one you want to spend the rest of your life with? It is an important question in this discussion and shouldn't take you too long to think about. And I shouldn't be two pages in without knowing the answer.


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## dksmith (May 23, 2016)

MrsAldi said:


> What was her answer?
> 
> 
> 
> Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


That I didn’t believe in her and I was putting her down.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

dksmith said:


> That I didn’t believe in her and I was putting her down.


I don't think you're putting her down. 
You're being responsible & thinking of the future ahead. 
But her last relationship has given her some fears. 
So she is unwilling & lacks patience (understandable)
You need to have a serious conversation & tell her your future plans (when you want to marry, when you want a house, kids etc)
And the costs it will take to make this happen. 
If she values the relationship (she will work & contribute towards these goals)


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

She said if everything goes right, in two years.......

Well...........

You've spent your life savings and in all this time she can't keep a job and has a ticker prob. You've spent your life savings and she's worried about wasting her TIME??????

Does this sound like it's going well to you?
Ask her this!!!!!!

Dude, really? Do you see a pattern with this princess of entitlement?

The only question I have is how long will it take for her to:
Get pregnant
Get postpartum depression
Get a boyfriend on the side
Get an attorney
Get alimony and hefty child support
Get you down the road so she can move on to the next sucker.

When shall captain obvious arrive?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

MachoMcCoy said:


> After three years? Your lives are already intertwined. You are half way to a common law marriage. You're scared.


Remarkably, I find myself agreeing with Mr McCoy. After three years you must have a pretty good idea whether it is a good idea to marry her and whether you want to. If you do not think so, make it clear and do not waste her time any further.


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## dksmith (May 23, 2016)

MachoMcCoy said:


> I don't even know what this means.
> 
> So, because you are not married, if you lose you job you...
> 
> ...


Of course I love her, I just don’t think there is a due date or drop dead date for marriage. You had a line saying that I said “I was not ready to get married”. This is not what I said I said that “I feel we are not ready, because financially we are not”. So, if I lose my job and neither of us has an income, who would support us? Do we move into a shoebox together? I never implied that we should stop dating if I lost my job. I don’t understand what your are missing?


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## dksmith (May 23, 2016)

norajane said:


> So, she was 31 when she started seeing you, and still hadn't graduated whatever school she was going to and had no job.
> 
> So, from age 21 to 31, she dated her ex. Did she have jobs then? Why did that relationship end? Was it due to financial and job related issues? Who was paying for her school?


She worked part-time while in school. 
She worked full-time while with her ex.
She said the relationship ended, because at some point her ex lost his job and she didn’t think he was looking for a new one. Also she said it was taking too long for him to marry her, so she called off the engagement.
Loans paid for her school.


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## dksmith (May 23, 2016)

Mr The Other said:


> Remarkably, I find myself agreeing with Mr McCoy. After three years you must have a pretty good idea whether it is a good idea to marry her and whether you want to. If you do not think so, make it clear and do not waste her time any further.


My state does not have common law marriage. I have always stated to her I wanted to buy a house that we could move into before marriage. This has been clear to her from the beginning. I don’t see me as wasting her time. Are you stating that my desires before marriage are invalid and only her desires before marriage are valid?


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

She is 34 and doesn't have her financial life together, this is a big red flag. Not marriage material IMHO.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

dksmith said:


> My state does not have common law marriage. I have always stated to her I wanted to buy a house that we could move into before marriage. This has been clear to her from the beginning. I don’t see me as wasting her time. Are you stating that my desires before marriage are invalid and only her desires before marriage are valid?


My impression, and it is only an ignorant impression from a few posts, is that she is scared you are not committed. I would find this a reasonable fear for a few reasons
- She is no spring chicken
- After ten years and no marriage, she is scared of a repeat
- You are giving reasons for not marrying that could reasonably be taken as excuses (regardless of whether that is fair)
- She looks like a bad bet

Whether these fears are valid does not matter. If I were in your shoes, I would not been keen to hang around and I can understand why she might think you feel the same. You state you are looking to buy a house first, but as your dual savings in the last few years have from from $20,000 to $0, that does not look likely to happen anytime soon.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

dksmith said:


> OSo, if I lose my job and neither of us has an income, who would support us? Do we move into a shoebox together?


Is she your soul mate or not? How incredibly telling that you REFUSE to answer me on that. 

If she is, you move into the shoebox and be blissfully happy there together for eternity. 

If not, you let her go to find someone else. NOW, not when you lose your job (I still don't freakin' GET that).


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

She got upset with her ex because he wouldn't keep a job?

Pot, meet kettle.
You have a woman looking for a free ride.
Or do you disagree?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

dksmith said:


> Also she said it was taking too long for him to marry her, so she called off the engagement.


Oh, I get it now. That lazy user ***** girlfriend of yours. She has a pattern of putting down a timeline for marriage and bailing when it doesn't happen. So after wasting 10 of the best years of her life on a loser bum, she bails when he misses her "deadline". What a ****.

So then she projects HER problem onto YOU. Selfish ****. Three years? You only wasted THREE of the NEXT best 10 years of her life. It's HER problem that she's impatient.

Good for you. Ditch the gold digger. And she's what, 34? So she's got ONE year under her belt where she wasn't tied down by a commitment phobe loser. I guess she just wants it ALL. 

You go boy. Find that great gal who will wait until you get out of mommy's basement. Just make sure you keep your hair thick and your waistband thin while you keep plugging.



And what in GODS name is the problem with all of you veteran posters blaming HER?


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

dksmith said:


> My state does not have common law marriage.


No state does any longer. It was a metaphore.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

dksmith said:


> I have always stated to her I wanted to buy a house that we could move into before marriage. This has been clear to her from the beginning.


I think you are basing your decision on sound financial principles. I can understand you wanting to be on a sound footing when it comes to owning a home and paying bills.

HOWEVER ...



dksmith said:


> I don’t see me as wasting her time. Are you stating that my desires before marriage are invalid and only her desires before marriage are valid?


Your desires are perfectly valid. Wasting her time? I imagine she may see it from an entirely different perspective. Tick-tick-tick ... that biological clock is becoming louder. You? Well, you can father a child at 75. Her? Not so. She wants to start a family.

It's not the financial issue she is honing in on .... it is her desire to get married and have children.

Something to consider ... at least, from her perspective.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

dksmith said:


> That I didn’t believe in her and I was putting her down.


That is not a good answer my friend.

You brought up a serious concern that you have and she deflected and tried to guilt you. This is way too familiar to me, God I wish I could get in a time capsule and go back 15 - 20 years and grow a pair.

This answer reminds me of the posts on here where a person's spouse has cheated and now says "You don't trust me!" just because the betrayed spouse doesn't want the wayward spouse emailing and texting their exes.

She has a history throughout your relationship of "life" getting in the way of her ability to be financially responsible. Instead of falling all over herself with remorse - "I'm so sorry you spent your life savings due to my issues" she's gaslighting you saying you don't believe in her (why should you?) and you're "putting her down." 

How are you "putting her down" by expressing a sincere concern you have about your future and your ability to provide for the two of you? Think very hard before committing to her.


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## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

MachoMcCoy said:


> No state does any longer. It was a metaphore.


Interesting. I was going to dispute your claim and I Googled it. 

Your are correct, for the most part, however that much being said, the following applies:

There are about 16 states that will recognize a commonlaw marriage if a couple holds themselves out to be married as per a rather long list including calling each other husband and wife, using the same last name, and filing a joint tax return. I also found legal wording that states

_" If you live in one of the common law states and don’t want your relationship to become a common law marriage, you must be clear that it is your intention not to marry"_

Common Law Marriage Fact Sheet ? Unmarried Equality


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## dksmith (May 23, 2016)

MachoMcCoy said:


> Oh, I get it now. That lazy user ***** girlfriend of yours. She has a pattern of putting down a timeline for marriage and bailing when it doesn't happen. So after wasting 10 of the best years of her life on a loser bum, she bails when he misses her "deadline". What a ****.
> 
> So then she projects HER problem onto YOU. Selfish ****. Three years? You only wasted THREE of the NEXT best 10 years of her life. It's HER problem that she's impatient.
> 
> ...





MachoMcCoy said:


> No state does any longer. It was a metaphore.



You seem to have a chip on your shoulder or something. I’m fine with you having an opposing view, but it seems like you are sarcastic and harsh for no apparent reason.


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## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

dksmith said:


> You seem to have a chip on your shoulder or something. I’m fine with you having an opposing view, but it seems like you are sarcastic and harsh for no apparent reason.


 @dksmith

I believe the sarcasm was present, and rather dry, even for me, but if my interpretation is correct, the post was not in opposition to you. 

Or to the multitude of posters who have suggested with varying amounts of "directness" that your girlfriend is possibly not someone you need to be looking to spend much of your future with.


edited to add: I guess he wasn't being sarcastic. In which case I will point out one "minor" detail. This woman intends to live off the poor guy and is giving him an ultimatum. That's why she is drawing the ire of many posters here, she's obviously nothing more than a selfish parasite looking to live off some guy who is foolish enough to commit himself to her.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

She wants a wedding not a marriage. You are right to be concerned, I know the type. You really blew through 20 k on her ?


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Speaking as someone who can understand a woman's desire to get married.. I would also tell any man to RUN RUN RUN from what you have described here.. she isn't responsbile with money at all.. .. I can't believe you started out with $20,000 saved & blew it all [email protected]# 

OMG.. financially speaking, you 2 are not on the same page Money/ future goals wise.. she needs to step up & show she is a responsible partner who can contribute to the well being/ harmony of a marital relationship.. managing money is a huge part of this.. 

Most of us don't care for some of our co-workers.. so what ! We still need to work if we can't pay our bills.... her excuses are pretty lame for not being able to meet her own financial obligations.. I only read the first few posts on this thread though.... so I might have missed something....

I wouldn't touch a partner like this..you'll end up in the poor house.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

dksmith said:


> You seem to have a chip on your shoulder or something. I’m fine with you having an opposing view, but it seems like you are sarcastic and harsh for no apparent reason.


And STILL no answer to my question.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

@MachoMcCoy why should he marry her because they're together 3 years? 
She's clearly not contributing financially & has no intention to. 
She's excepts him to be the bread winner & he wants her to get a job. 
He loves her but cannot afford to keep her. 
If there's issues now I doubt a wedding will solve the problems. 


Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

MrsAldi said:


> @MachoMcCoy why should he marry her because they're together 3 years?
> She's clearly not contributing financially & has no intention to.
> She's excepts him to be the bread winner & he wants her to get a job.
> He loves her but cannot afford to keep her.
> If there's issues now I doubt a wedding will solve the problems.


This. I thought MachoMcCoy was being sarcastic in his post that "defended" the deadbeat parasitic woman that wants to live off this poor guy for the rest of their natural lives. 

My bad. I don't understand how some people think.



MachoMcCoy said:


> And STILL no answer to my question.


Your posts on this thread do not merit a response. Even though I just gave you one.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

Mclane said:


> This. I thought MachoMcCoy was being sarcastic in his post that "defended" the deadbeat parasitic woman that wants to live off this poor guy for the rest of their natural lives.
> 
> My bad. I don't understand how some people think.
> 
> ...


A - I WAS being sarcastic. This woman is 34 years old and she's been strung along by commitment phobes for 12 of the past 13 years. She's had enough.

B - Nobody has yet answered my question. Why can't he admit that he loves her and she is THE ONE for him? All he's said is he "loves her". Big deal. I love my dog and my mom.

He's scared to marry her. Because of HIM not her.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

MrsAldi said:


> He loves her but cannot afford to keep her.


Oh, NOW I see. Kind of like that puppy you want in the store window. Ok. Got it.

Stupid me. I'm going with the "if it's love, go for it" thought on this and he just wants a companion occassionally. I feel so silly now.

You have my permission to exchange this puppy with a brand new one that hasn't grown out of that cute puppy stage yet.

Sorry again and good luck with your search. There are plenty of puppi...sorry, women out there. Just be careful. Your current pet doesn't have a monopoly on not wanting to get strung along.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

@MachoMcCoy 
But I don't think it's commitment phobe men she's picking, I think they're running because nobody wants to marry a mooching woman. 
It's her own fault. She'd be married if she wasn't lazy & had a princess complex. 


Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

MachoMcCoy said:


> A - I WAS being sarcastic. This woman is 34 years old and she's been strung along by commitment phobes for 12 of the past 13 years. She's had enough.
> 
> B - Nobody has yet answered my question. Why can't he admit that he loves her and she is THE ONE for him? All he's said is he "loves her". Big deal. I love my dog and my mom.
> 
> He's scared to marry her. Because of HIM not her.


Seems to me that if she can't find a man to marry her, it may very well be her that is the problem, don't you think? The one thing they all have in common is her.

When a guy gets rejected by every woman in the bar it doesn't make them lesbians.


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## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

I actually think OP and his GF should get married. Sound right for each other. 

She cant keep a job because people are "mean".
He blows 20k in a year or so paying her bills instead of moving in together.

Just dont procreate.


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## dksmith (May 23, 2016)

Wolf1974 said:


> You really blew through 20 k on her ?





Middle of Everything said:


> He blows 20k in a year or so paying her bills instead of moving in together.


I never considered the 20 k I spent as blowing money away. I looked at It as an investment in our relationship. She was having a hard time and said she needed my help. Why wouldn’t I help someone I love?


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

If you don't know after dating for 3 years, she's not the right one. Let her go.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

dksmith said:


> I never considered the 20 k I spent as blowing money away. I looked at It as an investment in our relationship. She was having a hard time and said she needed my help. Why wouldn’t I help someone I love?


Because if you marry her she'll be a financial drain for the rest of your natural life.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

dksmith said:


> I never considered the 20 k I spent as blowing money away. I looked at It as an investment in our relationship. She was having a hard time and said she needed my help. Why wouldn’t I help someone I love?


Well you posted it so thought it was a big deal to you. By all means if you want someone who takes and takes and doesn't contribute then sounds like a dream come true. Why not marry her then?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Wolf1974 said:


> Well you posted it so thought it was a big deal to you. By all means if you want someone who takes and takes and doesn't contribute then sounds like a dream come true. Why not marry her then?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Uh...,, yeah. Why not?

Wait, what has SHE invested in the relationship? Apparently time, and she's not wasting anymore of that, lol.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dksmith (May 23, 2016)

Relationship Teacher said:


> Her desires stem from her past failings. You want to yield to her past failures?
> 
> Optimally, individuals learn from the mistakes that they encountered from past partners, but also from mistakes they made, themselves. To truly move on is to allow the future to be written on its own.
> 
> ...



I would like to thank everyone who responded to my post. I feel that the Relationship Teacher had the best advice for me so far.


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

I would say you need to end the relationship. This may sound harsh but it is really the compassionate thing to do for both of you.

If you really wanted to spend the rest of your life with this woman, you would know by know. Your uncertainty means you don't. It is that simple.

Her biological clock is ticking and you know she wants marriage. She is not going to get it from you. Wasting any more of her limited childbearing window would be very unfair to her.

I doubt this will be a pleasant conversation, but you need to confront the issue instead of avoiding it and hoping it will go away. It won't and waiting before you admit to her you don't want to marry will only hurt her more.


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## dksmith (May 23, 2016)

Anon1111 said:


> I would say you need to end the relationship. This may sound harsh but it is really the compassionate thing to do for both of you.
> 
> If you really wanted to spend the rest of your life with this woman, you would know by know. Your uncertainty means you don't. It is that simple.
> 
> ...


So, are you saying no matter what requirements a man has for marriage, if the woman wants to be married now and her biological clock is ticking in a limited window then her requirements  supersede his?


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

dksmith said:


> So, are you saying no matter what requirements a man has for marriage, if the woman wants to be married now and her biological clock is ticking in a limited window then her requirements supersede his?


NO, what everyone is saying is that her goals and yours don't match right now. She has no right to force you to get married now and have kids when you're not ready.

But YOU have no right to make her wait around for you until you're ready either. You're being just as selfish as she is in this situation.

BTW, you never did answer, how long do you want her to wait or did you just leave it vague and say when we're ready....1 day, 1 week, 1 month, 1 year, 10 years, 100 years?

You could just say, fix your life and it'll happen this year, next, year, 5 years instead of stringing her along like her X did. At least if you give her a time frame she can say OK or she can say FU and you both can go on your merry way.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

No, she's saying this woman is not right for you, you already know it, and you should move on so she can find a man who will accept the fact that she won't contribute anything to the marriage except the ability to burn through money she hasn't earned.
If you are that man, just marry her. I don't think you make enough money to support you both, as you've already stated--- I couldn't, either. Honestly, that's what she wants--- a man to support her. You're not him. Nor should you be. 
But starting over with a new woman that pulls her weight doesn't appeal to you. Change and the unknown is hard. But sticking with your gf will be harder.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

dksmith said:


> So, are you saying no matter what requirements a man has for marriage, if the woman wants to be married now and her biological clock is ticking in a limited window then her requirements supersede his?


no, that is not what I am saying.

I am saying she has a limited resource in her remaining fertile years, and the longer you beat around the bush as to whether you're in or out, the more you're wasting both of your time.

there is a consequence to both of you for this, but for her it is much more significant.

this does not mean you need to marry her (indeed, I don't think you should).

it does mean that it would nice if you let her know sooner rather than later what your intentions are.


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## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

dksmith said:


> I would like to thank everyone who responded to my post. I feel that the Relationship Teacher had the best advice for me so far.


Damn. Relationship Teacher always wins.


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## dksmith (May 23, 2016)

CH said:


> NO, what everyone is saying is that her goals and yours don't match right now. She has no right to force you to get married now and have kids when you're not ready.
> 
> But YOU have no right to make her wait around for you until you're ready either. You're being just as selfish as she is in this situation.
> 
> ...


I have never been vague to her. I told her I wanted to save money for a house for both of us before marriage since we first started dating. She knows that if I was not helping her I could save up 24,000 in a year and have almost 50,000 saved for a us now. If she was able to save we would have even more now. I am partly to blame by enabling her to not work for so long, but I have not wasted her time. If I have wasted her time then she has wasted time for me also.


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

dksmith said:


> I have never been vague to her. I told her I wanted to save money for a house for both of us before marriage since we first started dating. She knows that if I was not helping her I could save up 24,000 in a year and have almost 50,000 saved for a us now. If she was able to save we would have even more now. I am partly to blame by enabling her to not work for so long, but I have not wasted her time. If I have wasted her time then she has wasted time for me also.


maybe you're wasting each other's time.

she's draining you financially, pretending that she's working toward being a financial contributor.

you're draining her fertile years pretending that maybe someday you'll get married.

there's never a perfect time to get married or get a job, by the way.

each of you seems to want to only follow your particular plan. and your two particular plans are not the same.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

dksmith said:


> I have never been vague to her. I told her I wanted to save money for a house for both of us before marriage since we first started dating. She knows that if I was not helping her I could save up 24,000 in a year and have almost 50,000 saved for a us now. If she was able to save we would have even more now. I am partly to blame by enabling her to not work for so long, but I have not wasted her time. If I have wasted her time then she has wasted time for me also.


The key here is she doesn't listen and won't get on board with a very reasonable plan that you have. So my question is this....., do you see what is happening? Do you really think she'll ever work? Do you think you will ever get ahead or have a stable home for a child with a spendthrift that wants to get married, but won't stop spending your money so you CAN marry her?

I seriously think she's wrong for you, probably wrong for any man.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

@dksmith you obviously love your girlfriend a lot. 
We don't know her so we are only making judgements based upon the information you have provided. 
Explain to her that you both are not ready for a wedding, in the current financial situation. 
Sit down together & work on a plan for the future. 
This should ease her commitment fears. 


Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

You are not ready for a relationship because your communication and ability to agree and compromise are inadequate.

You have simply stated a series of facts - I earned this much, we spent this much, I want to save this much, she stipulated a time frame...

This will lead you no where and you are clearly wasting each other's time.

If you want to be her partner - married or not - and you want to save money - you have to do 2 basic things (other than express YOUR goals):

1-talk specifics about your goals and find out if she specifically shares them. This may take a few discussions. 

1a- I think you might be surprised to find she does not share this goal. If not, then you will know you are financially incomparable. You MUST address this and out of respect for her timeline - do it now. Maybe this ends the relationship.

1b- if she does share this goal - but it is a lower priority for her (which is my suspicion) move to the next step of a specific SHARED goal with a milestone. Say "save $xxxx in the next 3 months". If you can meet that goal, then maybe you can COMPROMISE - still marry before you reach YOUR financial goal, but agree to stay on a compromise plan and realistic timeline to achieve it AS A COUPLE.

2-talk specifics about her timeline and goals. When do you want kids, when does she? NEGITIATE and listen to each other's arguments. This is a marital skill that is critical.

2a- if you simple don't want kids in her timeline, be honest and let the chips fall where they may

2b- if you look into her eyes and really feel you want to spend the rest of your life with her and have kids, realize kids are a LIFETIME commitment, and your immediate financial goals will seem trivial over the long run. Jump in and start to squeeze out the puppies - seriously - they're a joy and will change your life if that's where you want to go 

You must listen to each other and strike a compromise. If you are a good couple, you will make better decisions this way. You will build wealth over the long haul but be present in your lives and raise a family.

Good luck

Ps YES her timeline trumps your goals because she stated her boundaries up front and once her time is passed its gone forever. Yours are merely delayed. That's a huge difference - and the fact that you dont see that is a red flag to me. AMA (advanced maternal age) is a serious thing with life altering consequences for child and parents as the negative statistics increase with age. I think the risk of Down's syndrome is 1/200 or greater over age 40. Many other issues. My W underwent 7 amniocentesis for one pregnancy any of which could lead to early delivery and an unsustainable birth. So while it sucks you came in the 4th quarter, you knew that when you started dating.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Her wants (for a baby) trumps his NEEDs for the security of a home?

I would say that her want us important, but the fact that she does NOTHING in the relationship to get what she wants, and even puts him going backward, means she is like a kid. She wants, wants, wants, but is unwilling to do her part to earn what she wants.
I don't know her, but from what OP says, it's not wise to marry, and crazy to have kids with her.

Surely this is obvious.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Evinrude58 said:


> Her wants (for a baby) trumps his NEEDs for the security of a home?
> 
> I would say that her want us important, but the fact that she does NOTHING in the relationship to get what she wants, and even puts him going backward, means she is like a kid. She wants, wants, wants, but is unwilling to do her part to earn what she wants.
> I don't know her, but from what OP says, it's not wise to marry, and crazy to have kids with her.
> ...


She doesn't bring NOTHING to the table. OP gets to decide what she brings and if it's enough. Clearly it's not enough for you but you're not doing the posting.

Assuming he actually wants to marry her he would be wise to realize special needs kids can be a huge financial and emotional drain - so staying and delaying won't necessarily allow him to meet his own long term financial goals,


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## CMD1978 (Apr 9, 2016)

If your girlfriend is basing her timeline on wanting to have kids before it's too late, I highly recommend she check with her cardiologist to make sure it's safe for her to even get pregnant. Many Drs don't believe that pregnancy and childbirth are safe for women with any sort of heart condition. Maternal heart disease is one of the biggest causes of mortality among pregnant women. So unless she's willing to put her life in danger to have kids, her biological clock may already be a moot point.


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## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

TheTruthHurts said:


> She doesn't bring NOTHING to the table.


 @TheTruthHurts

This part of your post could be incorrectly interpreted as a double negative by a casual reader. 

Just say'en


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

Don't get married until you guys are somewhat finically stable. You guys need to be on the same page with the finances. Have you guys talked about how many kids you would want, and the type of wedding you want? Make sure you guys talk about this beforehand and come to an agreement. I don't think it's a problem getting married when you don't want a ton of money in the bank, as long as your lifestyle expectations are lined up with how much you make. Aka you can't have a huge wedding and 4 kids and stay at home and live in a big house. 
What is her degree in? Personally I wouldn't get married until she secures a job and starts making some money. 

You for sure need to make sure you guys are on the same page with lifestyle expectations before you even consider buying her a ring.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

Also OP... You seem to be really nice. Too nice IMO. In relationships and marriage you are suppose to love and support each other but more importantly you are suppose to make the other person better. Do not enable her. Too much support and enabling and all this wishy washy bull**** can really get you into a bad situation where she is completely dependent on you and depressed. You need to push her a little. She needs to find a job and start working. Period. That's what adults do. 

IMO we all should (especially women) be able to take care of ourselves in every aspect of the word especially finically, just in case something happens. You never know. Even stay at home moms should have some skills or degree to fall back on just in case. 

At the same time, as a women I understand not wanting to waste time. Maybe she just needs a commitment or promise that some day you guys will get married when your ready. Why not propose? With the stipulation that you wait till you are finically secure.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

For the record, I didn't say she brought nothing to the table, I said she did nothing to earn what she wants.
I don't actually know what she brings to the relationship. 
Maybe OP could clarify.

One thing is for certain:
Babies, a home, necessities---they cost money, and OP's girl is not showing any indication she's willing to work for money to contribute. What else will she not be willing to participate in, in the future?

He's indicated he wants to marry her. Right now that choice is his.
If he does marry her and have kids, he likely won't have a choice on the divorce, child support, and possible alimony.
I am saying that a person who doesn't work and finds excuses not to work like people are mean and such, sounds like the kind of person who gets easily depressed and unhappy---- and then blames their spouse for all their problems.
She contributes nothing financially for a home or expenses, but begs OP to marry her and have kids with her. Not only contributes no money, but puts his savings acct from 20k to 0. I'm saying the OP should consider looking elsewhere and cutting her loose.
He is totally, 100% in the right here. Her failure to see his perspective is very telling about her psyche.

I advise him to move on so she can find her a paycheck and an anchor baby and be happy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BBF (May 21, 2015)

OP=Paycheck+anchor baby. Is that what you want for the rest of your life?


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## dksmith (May 23, 2016)

Here is more information for you guys.

She has one child from her pervious relationship.

Her doctor advises her against getting pregnant for the next year or so. The doctor wants to see how her heart heals from the surgery before saying she is viable to be pregnant again. She may not be able to carry any more kids in the future.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Do you support her child from her previous relationship, too?


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## dksmith (May 23, 2016)

Livvie said:


> Do you support her child from her previous relationship, too?


indirectly for some things yes.


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## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

Does the child's father pay his fair share of child support?

If not, why not?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

There was a lot of talk about biological clock and missing the opportunity to have a child, etc. I think it's interesting that it took this long for the information to come out that she already has one child...


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## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

Livvie said:


> There was a lot of talk about biological clock and missing the opportunity to have a child, etc. I think it's interesting that it took this long for the information to come out that she already has one child...


Interesting how so? As in it gives more of an idea as to how the Op is thinking, or in that it follows a pattern of a story slowly introducing surprise facts to keep the readers hooked? Because I'm usually pretty good at "sensing" when there's a credibility issue with a thread and I'm not picking it up here.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

All of the posts about biological clock, her time is running out to have a child, he read all of that and never offered the detail that while she wants more, she already does have one child. I think it might have changed some of the advice to know that the girlfriend already has a child (who she isn't financially supporting AT ALL).... both advice about her not contributing anything financially to the relationship and advice about having children with her.


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## dksmith (May 23, 2016)

Mclane said:


> Does the child's father pay his fair share of child support?
> 
> If not, why not?


He pays what the state requires for him to pay.He also buys presents and clothes.


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## dksmith (May 23, 2016)

Livvie said:


> All of the posts about biological clock, her time is running out to have a child, he read all of that and never offered the detail that while she wants more, she already does have one child. I think it might have changed some of the advice to know that the girlfriend already has a child (who she isn't financially supporting AT ALL).... both advice about her not contributing anything financially to the relationship and advice about having children with her.


I did not believe that it was important that she already had a child. Her biological clock can still tick even though she has a child.


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

CMD1978 said:


> If your girlfriend is basing her timeline on wanting to have kids before it's too late, I highly recommend she check with her cardiologist to make sure it's safe for her to even get pregnant. Many Drs don't believe that pregnancy and childbirth are safe for women with any sort of heart condition. Maternal heart disease is one of the biggest causes of mortality among pregnant women. So unless she's willing to put her life in danger to have kids, her biological clock may already be a moot point.


That's actually a very valid point.

Mitral Valve Prolapse can be dangerous with pregnancy as well as Latent Ductus arteriosus and patent ductus arteriosus.

Any type of leaky valve disease or replacement of valves within the heart are risky business for pregnancy due to the blood volume increase and thickening of blood during a pregnancy.

She can still get pregnant but I can bet my bank account she will be a high risk pregnancy...which means 9 months of bed rest at worse and no working or up on her feet at best.

Sent from my Nexus 5 using Tapatalk


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## KJ_Simmons (Jan 12, 2016)

Sorry bud, but she sounds lazy and it will only get worse with marriage. She will stay at home and have every excuse not to work...occassionally get a PT job but quickly quit it, stay at home and get fat. How do I know, b/c a coworker of mine is in the same situation. When he goes home for lunch, and after work for dinner....guess who has to fix his own food or buy something for them both? Yep. She can't even have a hot meal ready for him after sitting around playing vidya games all day.


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## dksmith (May 23, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> OP,
> What's your friend's history?
> Why is she not with the child's father? What would the child's father say is the reason?
> 
> ...


The friend's history question is too vague.
I stated her reason for breaking up with her ex in an earlier post. 
I do not know the fathers reason. I believe she broke up with him, so he may not have a reason.
I believe she is a good mother to her child and has never lied to me. She always got good grades while in school , so she can be a hard worker and responsible when she wants to be.
I think about most things logically. She usually goes off of emotion in her decision process.


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## KJ_Simmons (Jan 12, 2016)

dksmith said:


> Also she said it was taking too long for him to marry her, so she called off the engagement.


I never understood this line of thinking. If you TRULY love somebody, then why is a piece of paper from the state so damn important to validate your supposed love?

Such women like the idea of marriage and having a wedding and the status as a wife, more than the guy they are with, if they are willing to walk if the guy doesn't make it official.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

There was a reason he wouldn't marry her. Now you know it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

dksmith said:


> She always got good grades while in school , so she can be a hard worker and responsible when she wants to be.


This right here is the most troublesome part. What if she doesn't feel like being responsible and work hard for an undetermined amount of time? Are you ok with that? 



Sent from my SM-G900V using Tapatalk


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Mclane said:


> TheTruthHurts said:
> 
> 
> > She doesn't bring NOTHING to the table.
> ...


It was intended as a double negative.


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## Lilac23 (Jul 9, 2015)

Evinrude58 said:


> Her wants (for a baby) trumps his NEEDs for the security of a home?
> 
> I would say that her want us important, but the fact that she does NOTHING in the relationship to get what she wants, and even puts him going backward, means she is like a kid. She wants, wants, wants, but is unwilling to do her part to earn what she wants.
> I don't know her, but from what OP says, it's not wise to marry, and crazy to have kids with her.
> ...


They should both leave the other, if after three years together he can't even get engaged to her, why is he with her? He can blame it on her issues or lack of working but what it comes down to is, he doesn't want to so he should let her go.


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

dksmith said:


> My girlfriend (34) and I (36) have been together for 3 years. She wants to get married, but I feel we are not ready yet. She was in a relationship for 10 years before me that did not end in marriage and feels like she wasted her time. When we started dating she told me that if everything goes well she would like to get married in two years. I told her that I would like to have money saved for us to buy a house before we get engaged then get married and move in together. At the time I had 20k saved up for a house. A year after we stared dating she graduated from school and said she needed a little help with rent and bills until she was able to get a job. Later on she started to say that she has issues with work, due to coworkers being mean in the past and was afraid of working. I have always been supportive and said to keep trying offering to help her with practice interviewing or finding something she could do from home to work. The whole time I have been helping her with her bills and paying my bills and no longer have any money saved. She really wants to get engaged now and feels she is wasting her time. She recently had myrtol prolapse valve repair on her heart and will not be able to work for a while. I have told we have no money and need to save up first to get married. Am I wrong for feeling this way?


I almost can't believe I read this whole thread.

To the OP: Yes, it is okay to feel the way you do.


But I will also say with the evidence that you have provided, you state that you are a logical person yet you are looking at this situation totally illogically. You are obviously money smart, are you getting a good ROI on your money right now?

You realize that all you are doing is making excuses for your girlfriend, right? Try to take a step back from the situation and look at it from an outside perspective (which we are doing for you). With what you have given us, there is not a lot to indicate that your girlfriend is going to provide you a full life and a satisfying marriage.

Based on the collective experience here, several of us who have been in a similar position as you, we strongly recommend that you allow her to find someone else. Your relationship will go nowhere except down if you marry this girl.

Believe it or not, there are plenty of available women out there who you could date. A lot will have similar outlooks in life as yourself. Money can be earned but you can never get back the time you lose invested in a bad relationship hoping it will get better.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

So he stays with this lazy woman child for three years. She finally says put up or shut up and he bails.

Nah. Doesn't sound like a 36 year old commitment phobe to me.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

This is an AWESOME forum for those that need validation for their decisions. If you write it first, it's true. And you have NO FEAR of anyone looking at the other side of the story.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

MachoMcCoy said:


> This is an AWESOME forum for those that need validation for their decisions. If you write it first, it's true. And you have NO FEAR of anyone looking at the other side of the story.


are you his girlfriend?


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

MachoMcCoy said:


> This is an AWESOME forum for those that need validation for their decisions. If you write it first, it's true. And you have NO FEAR of anyone looking at the other side of the story.


while there is always two sides to a story we only have one side to go on and we have to rely that they are trying their best to give an accurate account of whats going on. 

but in this situation I feel that spending your whole life savings helping your girlfriend out until she get a job and then her never getting a job is a big red flag. and that alone would warrant my advice to run run run and never look back.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

chillymorn said:


> but in this situation I feel that spending your whole life savings helping your girlfriend out until she get a job and then her never getting a job is a big red flag. and that alone would warrant my advice to run run run and never look back.


And fine advice it is. But he was cool with this woman child for three years until she applied pressure. He's 36, unmarried and running from yet another. He's a commitment phobe. A man child. He should be PERFECT with this woman child.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

He's hesitant to marry a woman who has blown through 20k of HIS savings and is making no effort to take care of herself or them financially. Hesitating under THESE circumstances does not make him a commitment phobe, it makes him smart.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

why would anybody get married if they weren't going to have children together.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Lots of people in the world get married even if they won't be having children together. People have many different values and desires.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Livvie said:


> Lots of people in the world get married even if they won't be having children together. People have many different values and desires.


I mean 50% of all marriages fail. why take the risk. and second marriages have even a higher risk of failure.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

MachoMcCoy said:


> And fine advice it is. But he was cool with this woman child for three years until she applied pressure. He's 36, unmarried and running from yet another. He's a commitment phobe. A man child. He should be PERFECT with this woman child.


Maybe if she took care if basic things like working and contributing, rather than being a constant drain AND wanting to add a tiny expense such as a baby to the relationship, he possibly would be less afraid to commit. Maybe he has two brain cells left after vegetating with his gf for 3 years, that's why he is smart enough not to run to the alter.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

MachoMcCoy said:


> This is an AWESOME forum for those that need validation for their decisions. If you write it first, it's true. And you have NO FEAR of anyone looking at the other side of the story.


You seem inappropriately angry. You keep calling this guy "commitment phone" like a kid trying to goad another kid into doing something stupid by calling him chicken.

You chide posters here for not looking at the other side (which they have no way of knowing in the first place) yet you seem convinced that there is no way this guy could possibly be in the right. Which you have no way of knowing either. So they are wrong for making assumptions without all the facts, but you are righteous for doing the same? 

I don't get it.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You've said you can't support a family by yourself. You can't force her to work and even if she does get a job before the wedding she could quit after. How would you resolve that?


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## foolscotton3 (Nov 13, 2014)

Wait until you accidentally knock her up, then you aren't really risking anything more.

Sent from my non-employer-monitored communications device using TapaTalk.


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## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

TheTruthHurts said:


> It was intended as a double negative.


I know this. It was an intentional double negative that might have been construed as an unintentional double negative which would negate the value of your comment.



KJ_Simmons said:


> I never understood this line of thinking. If you TRULY love somebody, then why is a piece of paper from the state so damn important to validate your supposed love?


Right. And truth be told, the piece of paper doesn't validate anything. It simply means that in order to break up you need a judge.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Mclane said:


> TheTruthHurts said:
> 
> 
> > It was intended as a double negative.
> ...


What you're saying makes no sense. "I understand you said what you meant to say - and I understood it as intended - but I'm concerned others might have assumed you meant the opposite of what you said."

?????? How is that even a lucid thought?


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## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

TheTruthHurts said:


> What you're saying makes no sense. "I understand you said what you meant to say - and I understood it as intended - but I'm concerned others might have assumed you meant the opposite of what you said."
> 
> ?????? How is that even a lucid thought?


 @TheTruthHurts

I understood what was meant despite the ambiguity of the post, because I'm a pretty smart and highly educated guy and have been around these forums a lot, but others may not be, and it might have gone over their heads.

Seems perfectly lucid to me.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Mclane said:


> TheTruthHurts said:
> 
> 
> > What you're saying makes no sense. "I understand you said what you meant to say - and I understood it as intended - but I'm concerned others might have assumed you meant the opposite of what you said."
> ...


Amusing. In referring to the ambiguity of the post I assume you mean yours.


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## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

TheTruthHurts said:


> Amusing. In referring to the ambiguity of the post I assume you mean yours.


No, I was referring to the double negative post, but I'm guessing you know that. 

I realize that in my initial post #79 on this subtopic I should have inserted the word "unintended" in front of double negative.

I apologize for the consternation that some may have experienced as a result of this error.


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