# H*ll hath no fury like...



## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

"H*ll hath no fury like a woman scorned!"

I have a serious question to ask you folks on this thread. OK, so she drops the divorce bomb on me last weekend. Destroyed our families, divided us like we never thought this family could be divided, in-laws, kids, her, me, etc. Told me the reason was that she thought I was no fun to be with; I have to admit that I had my moments of pessimism - negative views on things. And she said that the negative attitude was taking her to a bad place. Reality is, it was only maybe 10% of the time. The other 90% was good, working, raising kids, and happy times. I had been a terrific father, faithful and loving husband, caretaker when she has been ill. I have stuck to my wedding vows with honesty, intregrity, and love. I felt blessed; apparently she felt abandoned. Either way, she told me that she is very sure about what she wanted that she knows in her deep in her heart that divorce is what she wants. She wants her space, her time to take care of herself, ad nauseum. So we have 3 grown children, all out of college and all married. Me and my stbx are still living in the same house, different bedrooms until we can sell the house and get our financed separated. Me and the stbx have been together for 36 years, married almost 31 yrs.
So here's the deal and what I need opinions on because it's too late for advice. Now that you have some background, Today (Mother's Day) went as expected - really s*cked! I went to my mother's to see her for a few hours, brought her flowers, card and just spent time with her - I could tell she was meloncholy, mom was holding back the tears for the sadness she feels abouit my situation and it breaks my heart to see her like that. Then, on the other side of the coin is my stbx wife. She stayed home alone. Our youngest daughter has finals this week, she stayed at her house studying. My youngest son was out of town, and my oldest son dropped by for a little while to see his mother. So, when I got back home from my mother's my stbx was very standoffish, appeared to be very mad and was a bit brash with me. The few days before we had been working together very well, respectfully and cordially. 

So here's the question - should I have bought her flowers or a card for mothers day? I mean, I felt bad for her when I left for my mothers because she had no one at home on what is supposed to be her day - typically we would celebrate this day at my mothers with all the mom's and grandkids.

So I am so confused that I can not make correct decisions. I do not know why she was mad and the told me she was going out and did not know how long. I am so damn tired of walking a tight rope or on eggshells. I should just go mute so I don't have to give an answer either way. It seems like whatever I do, it's the wrong option. 

I mean really, should I have brought flowers to the woman I thought I was going to spend the rest of my days with, drops the D word on me, abandons our marriage, hurts and angers the kids with this announcement, has my side of the family spiteful against her (and I hate that but that is another story). Basically this destroyed our family. If I would have brought her something and said, well you are still the mother of my children; I think she would be even more mad simply because in her mind she is going through this alienation because I could not be the man she wanted - after 30 yrs; she is so hurt that she is spiteful. I don't think she saw all this coming although she tells me she thought it all out. Really. So I feel like we need to move on asap. I hope one of you folks get what I am trying to say - basically, is that I do not know how act in front of her. It's a living h%ll and I am dancing with the devil. I knew this was going to be a particularly hard day.

Stay tuned because next weekend my son-in-law graduates from college and yippie, this will be the first time since the family division that my stbx and my parents and sister will all be united in the same place. I am really looking forward to the ugly that can happen if all do not remain civil. Allelujeah, pass me the Xanax.


----------



## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

I would not have bought her a gift. You wife is the one who wanted the change...she might as well start now seeing it ;o) JMHO


----------



## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

That's what everyone says and i agree. I mean, i would have felt awkward giving her a gift. I mean like " here u go, you stuck a knife through my heart but here is a mothers day gift for being the mothef of my kids". Who by the way you devastated by abandoning us. Nah, i think the gift should have come from the kids not me. Man, did i pray for all of us today! Irregardless, she was visibly upset at me today. She really wants out fast, she told me to call the painters tonight. Couldnt even wait for monday.
_Posted via Mobile Device[i/i]_


----------



## reindeer (Mar 24, 2011)

Definately no gift/card.

My is husband leaving me. On Valentines day he gave me a card.

It said 'Thinking of you'- felt more like a symapthy card to me. On the other hand he like you did not know what to do for the best, si I said nothing.


----------



## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Reindeer, he left you as i understand. So what about u, would u have given him a fathers day card. Being the one who got dumped, that is what makes me feel like i made the right choice in not getting her anything for mothers day. As far as i am concerned, i gave her her space llike she asked for.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## reindeer (Mar 24, 2011)

No I would not give fathers day card. Here in uk it tends to be just children who give them, not spouses. I would give a birthday card, but just a geneeal Best Wishes one. Anything that should come from younger children, I would get them to make, but that would be so as not to spend or have any influence over the card. Older children are capable of making their own arrangements

I think it best not to worry over this, if we are the ones who have been left, why should we really worry about cards under these circumstances, to please our ex. Yes I think space must be given. I would never get a husband card, or put anything sentimental in it either.


----------



## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

reindeer. Thanks for your words. I feel the same way about it but I am so torn inside because I feel hurt for both of us. I still love her. So much so that I want her to be happy no matter what. I am under so much pressure from my side of the family that even if she were to want to reconcile (I doubt it though) my mother and sister would probably never talk to me again. So now this separation/divorce has another factor playing against it; I would be put in the position of chosing my mother and sister over my wife and I do not know how I would handle that. It just looks very dismal right now. I am heavily leaning on my faith in the Lord to get me through this terrible time. I suffered greatly last year because I thought I was going to lose her to cancer but she fought through it and is doing very well since December, I ended up losing her anyway. I'm so d*^mn angry inside but yet I do not have any energy to let out my emotions because I spent most of what I had left in me last year battling her illness with her and in such deep fear and sadness that I have no more of the negative stuff in me left to give.

So I am so glad that mother's day is over. I am sure that fathers day will be somber as well but not as bad, I would think.


----------



## reindeer (Mar 24, 2011)

Brighterlight, I am so sorry to hear your story, and can see how you must feel exhausted with all the previous experiences with your wife's cancer. My husband has also told me one of the reasons he is unhappy is because he views him self as an optomistic person, and I am a glass half empty person.

Do you think your wife is feeling this way because she had alife threatening illness, maybe she wants to try a different life and may find it is not all she thinks it will be.

I hope your family will not ever make you choose between them and her, that is so unfair. When I reunited with my husband I had to take it very carefully at first, but they eventually came around. 

Somewhere in this story you have to think about yourself, you cannot please everyone all of the time. I hope your faith does indeed carry you through.


----------



## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

You did the right thing. It was your children's place to give her Mother's Day attention. She needs to realize she will be missing out on a lot of things which she took for granted before. It's going to be all of the holidays. There's going to be good chance she will be doing a lot more "alone time" during the holidays. Maybe she hadn't thought out that part of a divorce.


----------



## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

reindeer. Thanks for your comments. Yes, I had thought about her thinking about facing her illness and her future. Although I do admit my faults in our relationship (glass half empty person) and she is optimistic - well except it was the other way around for 13 months while she battled her illness so I can't say I am always that way. I think she saw her life in a different light and you may be right on the mark. I do think that facing the brink of death and then recovering, thinking that she does not spend whatever time she has left looking for something better and happier because she does not know how long she has left could have very well played some part in it. I don't agree with it though because anyone of us could be gone tomorrow; and she had a great support structure at home with a big loving and extended family. I guess it could have gone either way but I am so hurt, wounded by all of this that I don't even feel my heart anymore - I can't seem to let my hurt out.

I will get through this with my faith and I know that it will take a long time for me to recover - heck this will probably be something I have to live with and carry with me forever, I will just need to learn how to work through it. 36 years is a lifetime for me, not easily forgotten.

I don't know; I just feel like she really did not want to divorce but she had to because of me, so she blames me for most of it and is so resentful that she had to go there. It's almost like she really resents me for putting her that situation so I feel her reactions whenever I speak to her to be that of a person who is really hating someone but having to deal with them. Kind of confusing but that's what I feel. I need to get some space between us because I am starting to blame myself and believe it is all my fault although, I know it isn't all my fault.

Wow, it sounds like I am having a pity party all by myself. Sorry.


----------



## Niceguy13 (Apr 7, 2011)

I did and will continue to tell her happy mothers day not that their is anything wrong with not telling her. I think it is a personal judgement call. Birthdays well fi thing go the D-route she aint getting jack for her bday from me but she is still the mother of my two children and I am thankful to her for giving me two of the greatest children in the world so I can show appreciation to her for that easily.

But no you shouldn't do it out of neccesity or some obligatory sense of she felt bad. She left you she no longer gets to be pissy at you because you aren't going through the motions just to make her happy.

And here at TAM the pity party is never by yourself we are al in the same room waiting for the next trip on E-coaster brought to you by D-day


----------



## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Niceguy. Thanks. I did tell her happy mothers day, just did not get her anything. She is still pissy today. As a matter of fact she is cleaning out our bedroom and it is painful to see her throw things away from our past. She is throwing away books of encouragement, jewelry, i guess anything that had meaning to both of us that belonged to her. I am in so much grief right now but I refuse to show it. She is still very bitter.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Wow. Sweet. After 36 years of "sweetie" "honey" or "babe" she is now on a first name basis with me. My heart aches for our loss. I feel so lost!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Niceguy13 (Apr 7, 2011)

Yeah I would probaly go off on her then again I am possibly headed to the land of the divorced so not sure if you should listen to my advice on what to do about ehre. It is funny how they act though, I am leaving you you don't make me happy blah blah blah, wait why aren't you showing affection to me. In the words of the some cartoon character Whaaaaaattttttt?!?!?!? The selfish behaviour never ceases to bemuse and confound me.

Myself and Jeff have been chronicling our stories similar type situations if you want to read them Might be therepeutic for you. Mine is 9years no longer in love with me.


----------



## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Niceguy, yip i read your post. I never got through all of it though. Did u ever get the phone records and find proof? My W started an EA with a co worker 15 yrs ago and yes it ended up a PA. It killed me but I forgave her. She, of course blamed me for it since she says I encouraged her to do the PA. I did not stop her thats for sure, but she had already broken my respect for her by continually going out to lunch with the OM. I told her to stop the going to lunch with this OM because I did not feel right about it. She would tell me its just a male friend. Yeah, right. Anyway those can easily end up as PA and it did, 5 yrs later.

Is it possible to find a woman that can actually devote herself forever to her marriage anymore. Just a dying breed i guess.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Niceguy13 (Apr 7, 2011)

No I gave up on it not because of her but because I reached a point where it didn't really mattered. I told her I knew the truth or at least the truth the phone records would of shown she knows the truth or at least what they would have shown and your initial reluctance just further proves that truth. So I reached a point I didn't need them because I quit deluding myself to the fact that maybe the next piece of evidence would prove me wrong. I knew I was right and I was still trying to defend her which in retrospec is why I really wanted the records, so I would know no she was faithful.

I still don't know if things got physical with OM, statistics say yes but my gut (not my heart) says nothing to serious (maybe some kissing and snuggling but no intercourse.)

But your not alone man I hope my story helped you realize that. its damn hard to be the father who tried to make everything work and society look at her divorcing you and say wow that guy must of done something wrong. Its defnitley hard to keep your head up for your kids and not be bitter when the woman you loved first spit in your face, then stabbed you in the heart, and then poured salt in the wound by asking you why you are so cold and distant.

My story is in limbo land right now but I am feeling good (minus limbo anxiety) as I know whatever happens I will move forward for myself and my children,, there are some signs it might be with the wife but that is her choice I am making plans for myself now and its up to her to decide to join me or not.

But that is all way off topic, again no you didn't have to do anything for her for mothers day you never did have to you chose to because you loved her and you may still but considering she chose to reject what you offer it is your choice not to express those acts of love to her anymore afterall thats what she said she wanted.


----------



## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Thanks. I know it's hard for you too. You are stronger than I would have been "her just hugging and kisisng the OM" would have been a betrayal to me; I would have considred that the same as sex with the OM and that is a PA. I would not have taken that very well but that is just me, others are different. I know what you mean about being convinced she has already done something with the OM though; just the fact that she is trying very hard to hide the phone records from you would tell me everything I needed to know.

And I agree about not buying her a mothers day gift. It's just a weird place to be because on the one hand she is still the woman that gave me 3 wonderful, loving children. But on the other hand, she wants nothing to do with me; she made that clear so I am just trudging along, trying to learn how to be single - it has been a long time. One day at time for me right now.


----------



## Niceguy13 (Apr 7, 2011)

It hurts but because I love her I am willing to forgive it granted I need the chance to, the old me would of just well you know but that me wasn't a father of two children. I have other things to worry about then just me.

Yeah not having to learn how to be single quite yet still unsure where the cards are going to end up laying. Its really hard to act like a confident man though with everything that has gone on because in regards to her I am no longer confident.


----------



## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Aw man, dude you are raising two children. C'mon, you need to know that you are stronger than you think. Raising children is a tough difficult job, it is no small feat and after raising my 3, I can tell you that I have the utmost respect for good parents - either sex. Don't let her take you down; I am not gonna allow that for me. I am going to move on with the same integrity and strength as before, only difference is, I am working to make myself a better person. I am learning from this experience on what not to do point forward. Keep your confidence; it's one of the few things that she can not take from you, only you have the power to lose it.

BTW, W is acting nicer today. She did a 360 on me. :scratchhead: I am getting confused. But she will be upset again this weekend since we have two birthday events and a college graduation to celebrate and she won't be there because it is at my parents. That's another thing I lost, is my parents now are bitter against her and it's just one more thing I need to deal with. I may just drop by and say hello then leave. I am not ready to face friends and extended family yet.


----------



## Niceguy13 (Apr 7, 2011)

Haha I understand that I didn't tell my father what was going on until like a month after d-day. I had to get to a place where I could hanle him saying negative stuff about her. Unfortunatley I gave her the power to take my confidence away now that its gone it will take a while for it to completley rebuild. I have already started the process, but its a long road. By the old me though I meant the man who wasn't a father who would just stick a knife in the guy's throat...and yes the old me would of done that but he didn't have children.


----------



## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

normally I would have taken the kids shopping a week or two before mothers day to get her something, they would pick, I would pay. 
This year her mother took them, stuffed if I know what they got her, stuffed if I care. I am not expecting anything for fathers day.


----------



## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

OK, is this normal. We had a long heart to heart talk yesterday about what brought us to this point of divorce. It's only been 2 weeks since she dropped the d word on me. We are now both watching TV together and just talking as caring friends. Very cordial. Very weird. But we are still on for the divorce. What the h&%ll happened? I am so relaxed and feeling fine right now. I see her happy. I am close to being there. I think I'm weirding out my friend. He says he's never seen such a thing, that he would still be so furious. Does this mean my marriage is deader than dead! We are simply cohabitating as good buddies. I am sort of looking forward to new challenges and doing things I never got to do. I really feel strange. Maybe it's the antidepressents. LOL!!! The rest of the family is still pissed though. She created a firestorm and now my stbxw and I are doing better than them. Am I deceiving myself? I don't know but I don't think so. So weird!

_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Niceguy13 (Apr 7, 2011)

*shrug* in my unprofessional but somewhat expierenced opinion to me this tells me the marriage is not as dead as she says it is. If there is that much friendship there love can be rebuilt but you an not force it. Be strong around her be confident around her. I suggest picking up chapmans 5love languages read it then start to appeal to her love language. Its going to be hard because she is not doing it for you. Be loving to her only for the sake of being loving but if she is acting hostile/passive agressive ignore her.

as time goes on gauge her reactions to your actions and escalate the moves. Make things as emotional hard for her as possible and as she starts to express doubts listen and suggest stuff like counciling either IC or MC. You might still end up in divorce land but at least you will know your kids will know and deep inside even she will know you honestly did everything possible.


----------



## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Yeah. That's what I've been doing and I can sense something is bothering her about leaving. But it seems like theres a white elephant in the room with us. Like she has already gone too far and everyone knows so ther's no going back. Relationships (family member) have been destroyed and the damage has been done so I can sense that she feels she is obligated to carry on with the divorce. It's like, wow I ruined everyones perception of me and now i would not only have to work on my marriage but 30 other people in our families. Humpty Dumpty had a great fall....and all the kings horses and all the kings men couldn't put humpty dumpty back together again. You know what I mean - she did a lot of damage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Niceguy13 (Apr 7, 2011)

I understand I feel like I am almost to this point with my spouse, at which point I will have to reassure her that we aren't the kings horses and aren't the kings men we are the kids with a glue gun that are extremley good at puzzles. Sure we might lose a piece or two and Humpty Dumpty might be shaped more like a trapezoid then an egg but we can rebuild him again. And hell now that he is a trapezoid maybe he will be less likley to fall from the wall again.


----------



## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Good point! Lol. I was thinking that things had changed so much in the last two weeks that things will different no matter which way this goes. It can only get better it's been pretty low. I will post more tonorrow, getting late but always interested in what u have to say Niceguy. Thanks.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Niceguy13 (Apr 7, 2011)

Yeah its a hard road, and you seem well on the way of being able to accept what happens either way so I am skipping all the work on you talk and just trying to offer what I think is helping in my situation. Wish my situation was over so I could say for sure if it works or not, but then again even people that have gotton over the hump aren't completley sure but they at least assure me I have manned up and either way it ends up I will be fine and truley did my best.


----------



## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Thanks again NG, I've been thinking this out and I've pretty much decided that if we do our separate ways at least I get a chance to do all those things I did not get to do while I was raising a family. Get my flying certificate, backpacking, more Golf, Fishing, I love the outdoors, my stbx was never an outdoor type, she liked being out but not really getting into the nature and sports thing. I just figure that if I can make the best out of a terrible situation, then it is not a total loss for me. I really wish this would have never happened and that I did not have to be on here - no offense, you guys are great on here but let's face it, being on here is kind of like going to the hospital emergency room. LOL! Oh well, I need to be healed so this is a great place to start to do that.


----------

