# Don't know what to make of this



## Skyrim1985 (Jul 18, 2020)

Sorry this will be long. Husband and I (late 30's) have been married for 10 years, together for 20. Things were good to great in our relationship and marriage (only real trouble was I have gained a lot of weight and we spoke once about him wanting more sex), until about 4 years ago. I had a bad bout of anxiety and depression and emotionally withdrew from him. I'd come home from work or wake up on weekends and just sit on the couch on my phone mindlessly scrolling websites, and would go to bed at 8pm and sleep in as long as I could, because I was so emotionally and mentally exhausted. 

I put a big pillow between us at night (we called it the bundling board) because of my issues and we were having sex maybe 4 to 5 times a year. I'd have anxiety attacks before work, thought about driving myself into a tree, and had to have meds adjusted 5 times to get the right dose. It got so bad I broke down in tears at a dinner with my boss and she made me take a 2 week paid stress leave. But I never told him any of this. I was afraid he wouldn't understand or would judge me or think I was broken. 

And he never asked, so for 2 years stuff festered until he just decided that I didn't love him anymore and that's why I'd become so withdrawn. He ended up having an affair with a coworker for about 6 months starting mid 2018 until I found out and confronted him in Feb 2019. STRONGLY limerant, full of talk about marriage and soulmates for them and he's been miserable for years and isn't in love with me anymore for me and such. His parents and sisters (who I adore and vice versa) were SHOCKED and furious when they found out. Literally every person asked me if he was on drugs. They offered me their homes if I needed to take space to figure things out and said I will always be family which I will be forever grateful to them for. Ironically I finally started to get back to normal when the affair started. There were weeks of trickle truth and him being unable to decide who to be with and her pushing him to leave me while I did the pick me dance HARD (which I am embarrassed about). 

But eventually he decided to end things with her and stay to work on the marriage. The last 18 months have been ok to good....healing from that stuff is never a straight line. And he had fair complaints about those years I was withdrawn. I have always apologized and owned the fact I should have told him. I have said I'll never forgive myself for letting him feel so alone and it breaks my heart he thought I didn't love him. I'm working on losing weight, I have made a point to revive our sex life (now we're at 2-3 times a week and have been for 18 months), we've taken trips and talked about redoing the yard next year. He was being more affectionate, things felt like they were going back to normal.

Covid hit. He doesn't deal well with change. He's been struggling since March with the work adjustment, he's gained weight and feels fat, he feels old, his job is awful and he's super busy all the time, he has an underlying medical condition so he's worried about getting sick, he misses our friends and things being normal....we ended up having a discussion because I'd felt him withdrawing for the past few months a little and asked what was going on. He said he was struggling with a lot of stuff and didn't know what he wanted but it wasn't about us it was all the stuff I mentioned above and marriage was going "good". 

A few weeks of still withdrawing (not initating most physical touch or verbal affection, mostly, although we still had sex) and we ended up in an argument about something else that devolved into him now struggling with us. Then I dragged out of him he thinks he wants a divorce. Reasons are guilt from the affair, he thinks he's just comfortable in the marriage and maybe something better is out there, it's "hard" going from the affair (fantasy) back to the marriage (reality), he thinks I deserve better and would be happier without him, but he still loves me and will always love and care about me. Lots of tears from us both, I went to stay at a hotel for the night to get some space (he begged me not to leave). Came back and talked a little more, he stayed up all the night I left thinking of how to split things (he claims he only did it because he assumed that me leaving meant that the divorce was happening??) and basically he's trying to give me everything. 

The house and everything in it, our savings, his new car (that he said he'd continue paying until it's done in December), paying for my car insurance, 2/3 of his 401k, his bonus in 5 months, everything. And talking about how I deserve all of it and crying again and repeating "this is just in case it happens I'm not saying it will it's just in case" (he's not usually an emotional guy). I said I wanted to take a pause on talking about any more of this for a month or two to just, like....breathe, since it sounded like he wasn't pushing for anything now and had no immediate or even short term plans and he very quickly and enthusiastically agreed, saying he thought I had wanted to hurry things along. I never wanted a divorce in the first place and have always been very clear on that, and reiterated it again. But I told him the ball's in his court at this point because a marriage takes 2 people.

So that was last Weds. The past few days have been...strange. We still sleep in the same bed. He still cuddles me in the mornings, still texts me during the day and calls me when he's on the way home from work just because. He still tells me about his day, we watch our shows in the living room, he still wants to know where I'm going or how my day went and talk about his frustrations with work or whatnot. Still asks my opinion on stuff (Does this look ok? Was the dinner I made good? I just did the lawn, how does it look?). But he's also still kind of withdrawn, and things are obviously more awkward now. I've been just doing my best to stay grounded, to prepare just in case ( I have drawn up a budget and looked for apartments to get an idea of rents). 

Even though he drew up a plan for our stuff he clearly hasn't actually starting or planning anything...no divorce searches on Google, no talking to friends or family, no move to physically or really emotionally separate from me. I am so confused and stressed. Does this sounds like the behavior of someone who actually does want a divorce? I feel like I'm in a nightmare and I can't wake up.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Oh, I'm sure what he probably wants is to have an affair without losing you. That is, unfortunately, usually the case, so you are lucky he at least has a lot of guilt, though at this point, if it really is over, what's he still feeling guilty about? 

You might remind him that the honeymoon never lasts, so he needs to just decide if he wants to be married or he wants to be single. I mean, doesn't he know that eventually, it won't be all sunshine and rainbows if he chooses some other woman? At least you two have weathered some hurdles and made it through and still seem to get along okay all things considered.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Skyrim1985 said:


> Does this sounds like the behavior of someone who actually does want a divorce?


It sounds like, to me, your husband just doesn't want the responsibility which comes with marriage. He doesn't necessarily want a divorce, he doesn't know what he wants, I think he's a "cake eater"..... he wants the conveniences you offer him and the cheap thrills the OW offers him.

If he's offering all that compensation, TAKE IT. Protect yourself financially.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I would also make it clear that if he decides to leave you, you will definitely be finding another man. I just have a feeling that thought will scare him to death. Believe it or not, some guys, in their minds, when they envision leaving you, see you sitting at home alone pining for them. .... Disavow him of that notion. Because my guess is even if he decides he doesn't want you, he won't want anyone else to have you. Some guys (and women I assume) just kind of think you'll be there waiting in case they change their minds, and that makes their decision to leave a lot easier for them.

And on that note, keep getting and staying in shape in case that does happen.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Your choice of avatar is interesting. 
You are using the lyrics to the song “Maneater”. Is this intentional or is wishful thinking, maybe a subconscious yearning to be a strong independent woman who doesn’t put up with any crap from a man.


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## Skyrim1985 (Jul 18, 2020)

Honestly I just picked the first picture in my phone lol.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You didn't confide in your husband, you rejected him so it's possible that you broke him?

Feeling unloved is horrible and you did some horrible things to him, which you have admitted to us. Have you admitted these to him?

His affair was horrible, too. Probably worse, in many ways.

I would suggest marital and individual counselling for you.


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## Skyrim1985 (Jul 18, 2020)

I will say I believe the affair itself is over and has been over for a long while. Husband is one of those people who struggles with stuff he hasn't experienced, so it wouldn't surprise me if he didn't think that the new relationship infatuation was something that would last with someone else. He didn't really date before me except one other girl in HS long term.

What's interesting to me is he doesn't really HAVE any responsibilities in the marriage. He goes where he wants, does what he wants, I don't really mind if he plays video games at night or goes to tbe bar with a buddy after work. We don't have kids so nothing there. We have pets but I do the lion's share of taking care of them, which again, no bother to me.

I did ask him if he was good with me being with another man during the original divorce session and he said no.


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## Skyrim1985 (Jul 18, 2020)

MattMatt said:


> You didn't confide in your husband, you rejected him so it's possible that you broke him?
> 
> Feeling unloved is horrible and you did some horrible things to him, which you have admitted to us. Have you admitted these to him?
> 
> ...


 Everything I said on here I said to him. Multiple times. I have always 1000% owned up to what I did once I got my head straight and realized it. Mental illness messed it up but it doesn't excuse it. I've been in IC since last year. He isn't a fan of counseling...we had 1 session of MC when he was still in his affair at my request and it went poorly. That was my fault, the time wasn't appropriate to try that.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Skyrim1985 said:


> I will say I believe the affair itself is over and has been over for a long while. Husband is one of those people who struggles with stuff he hasn't experienced, so it wouldn't surprise me if he didn't think that the new relationship infatuation was something that would last with someone else. He didn't really date before me except one other girl in HS long term.
> 
> What's interesting to me is he doesn't really HAVE any responsibilities in the marriage. He goes where he wants, does what he wants, I don't really mind if he plays video games at night or goes to tbe bar with a buddy after work. We don't have kids so nothing there. We have pets but I do the lion's share of taking care of them, which again, no bother to me.


How many hours a week do the two of you spend together in quality time? What sorts of things do you two do together?


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Skyrim1985 said:


> Everything I said on here I said to him. Multiple times. I have always 1000% owned up to what I did once I got my head straight and realized it. Mental illness messed it up but it doesn't excuse it. I've been in IC since last year. He isn't a fan of counseling...we had 1 session of MC when he was still in his affair at my request and it went poorly. That was my fault, the time wasn't appropriate to try that.


MC is a terrible idea during an active affair. You can't work on the relationship with him allowing a third person to disrupt things. 

Here is the hard part. Right now, do you have any idea of he is in an active affair? If not, I suspect he is dealing with toxic shame stemming from the past affair.

The reason it is important to know which is happening is because it requires different actions to actually address each of them. Frequently the actions will be the opposite, depending on the situation.

The single most important thing you can do right now is rule out another (or a rekindling of the old) affair.

Be cool about it. Observe, do not confront. Check your phone bill for a start.

Once you can rule out an affair, then you can truly engage in MC without the disruption of a third party. 

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Well, sounds like he's a big kid in some ways and probably does need to be on his own so he can feel better about himself knowing he could be self-sufficient. But sounds like instead of doing that, he would just leap-frog to another relationship and let the next one (or hope the next one) takes care of him just like you have. 

Hey, you had a depression or something akin to it. Things like that happen. It never is good for you or for the relationships but it happens, and you seem to have come out the other end, so don't dwell on it.


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## Skyrim1985 (Jul 18, 2020)

I don't know....I do know that when we're both home we're almost always in the same room together. QT is usually whatever show we decide to binge watch or video games and talking about our day during the week because he's tired when he gets home from work but at least one night a week we go out to dinner. Weekends we usually go so something on Saturday, (he works most Sundays) usually we're out for most of the day. Lunch, maybe casino or a cute local town we like to barhop at, at night we watch a dumb movie and play Yahtzee or something. Sometimes he'll play video games (I like to watch and sometimes I'll add verbal guidance, sniper in the tree! Lol) and I play DJ and we'll sing along to the songs. I have a freakish memory for musical lyrics so sometimes he'll pick a playlist and I have to identify what every song is while they play like an at home Shazam lol. We can't go out as much with Covid but even during the lockdown we'd go take long drives together around the state just to get out of the house.


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## Skyrim1985 (Jul 18, 2020)

I don't think he's engaged in an affair right now. I do know that he admits himself that he overthinks things and runs off assumptions, and tends to focus on the worst case scenario of things and then decide that's what's going to happen (self fulfilling prophecy). He's said repeatedly he doesn't think I'll be able to get over it and "nothing will be the same", which yeah, no matter what it won't. But I'm moving forward with it pretty well, I think. We don't really talk about it much unless I get triggered by something which has gotten fairly rare. He said he thinks about it and the guilt every day. And he was VERY concerned about the fact our families knew, again "we'll never be able to recover if everyone knows, they think poorly of me now, etc". Honestly everyone is moving or had moved past it and is supportive of us reconciling.


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## Skyrim1985 (Jul 18, 2020)

I guess I'm just trying to figure out if I should be girding my proverbial loins for papers within the next 2 months or should try to continue working on things?


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Skyrim1985 said:


> I don't think he's engaged in an affair right now. I do know that he admits himself that he overthinks things and runs off assumptions, and tends to focus on the worst case scenario of things and then decide that's what's going to happen (self fulfilling prophecy). He's said repeatedly he doesn't think I'll be able to get over it and "nothing will be the same", which yeah, no matter what it won't. But I'm moving forward with it pretty well, I think. We don't really talk about it much unless I get triggered by something which has gotten fairly rare. He said he thinks about it and the guilt every day. And he was VERY concerned about the fact our families knew, again "we'll never be able to recover if everyone knows, they think poorly of me now, etc". Honestly everyone is moving or had moved past it and is supportive of us reconciling.


Good. Tell him that the same would be unacceptable to you anyways as that led to a toxic relationship. 

Tell him a return to what was would be enough for YOU to want to end it. 

On a separate note...do you get to the cloud district often?

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Skyrim1985 said:


> I guess I'm just trying to figure out if I should be girding my proverbial loins for papers within the next 2 months or should try to continue working on things?


Yes, you should.

Always prepare for the worst, while pushing for the best. 

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

1. The affair is his fault 
2. You have no responsibility for the affair 
3. If my wife did to me , what you did to him, I would have a hard time reconnecting with her... some things can’t be erased. I probably would leave when I figured out the “now I will have sex” is not making up for the past

4. Did I mention the affair is his fault?


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## Skyrim1985 (Jul 18, 2020)

farsidejunky said:


> Good. Tell him that the same would be unacceptable to you anyways as that led to a toxic relationship.
> 
> Tell him a return to what was would be enough for YOU to want to end it.
> 
> ...


Was just playing last night!


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He probably feels that he loves you but may be struggling with the idea of being in love with you. He may not know what he really wants. Certainly you can wait and see what he chooses. But being in the unsettled state of limbo, while he decides, is not an easy place to be.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Skyrim1985 said:


> Was just playing last night!


Mod it 'til it breaks. Just finished a couple of hours myself. 336 mods on this playthrough. 

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## Oldtimer (May 25, 2018)

Notwithstanding the affair, the part of your posts that troubles me is 

“*and basically he's trying to give me everything. 

The house and everything in it, our savings, his new car (that he said he'd continue paying until it's done in December), paying for my car insurance, 2/3 of his 401k, his bonus in 5 months, everything. And talking about how I deserve all of it and crying again and repeating "this is just in case it happens I'm not saying it will it's just in case" (he's not usually an emotional guy”).*

Slyrim, like I said notwithstanding the affair, others will make more informed comments about it. I personally would not look past these comments. I think there’s a need for some in-depth counselling just based on this statement alone.

I do wish you well in dealing with what you have to and I do agree with others regarding the infidelity. 
take care of you.


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## Miss Cloudy (Jul 19, 2020)

Skyrim1985 said:


> Sorry this will be long. Husband and I (late 30's) have been married for 10 years, together for 20. Things were good to great in our relationship and marriage (only real trouble was I have gained a lot of weight and we spoke once about him wanting more sex), until about 4 years ago. I had a bad bout of anxiety and depression and emotionally withdrew from him. I'd come home from work or wake up on weekends and just sit on the couch on my phone mindlessly scrolling websites, and would go to bed at 8pm and sleep in as long as I could, because I was so emotionally and mentally exhausted.
> 
> I put a big pillow between us at night (we called it the bundling board) because of my issues and we were having sex maybe 4 to 5 times a year. I'd have anxiety attacks before work, thought about driving myself into a tree, and had to have meds adjusted 5 times to get the right dose. It got so bad I broke down in tears at a dinner with my boss and she made me take a 2 week paid stress leave. But I never told him any of this. I was afraid he wouldn't understand or would judge me or think I was broken.
> 
> ...


Do you have any children? . . . I would say for you to prepare yourself to leave him. He seems selfish. He doesn't want to take the responsibility that comes with marriage. If he cheated on you once, chances are he'll do it again. You deserve better.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Skyrim1985 said:


> So that was last Weds. The past few days have been...strange. We still sleep in the same bed. He still cuddles me in the mornings, still texts me during the day and calls me when he's on the way home from work just because. He still tells me about his day, we watch our shows in the living room, he still wants to know where I'm going or how my day went and talk about his frustrations with work or whatnot. Still asks my opinion on stuff (Does this look ok? Was the dinner I made good? I just did the lawn, how does it look?). But he's also still kind of withdrawn, and things are obviously more awkward now. I've been just doing my best to stay grounded, to prepare just in case ( I have drawn up a budget and looked for apartments to get an idea of rents).





Skyrim1985 said:


> What's interesting to me is he doesn't really HAVE any responsibilities in the marriage. He goes where he wants, does what he wants, I don't really mind if he plays video games at night or goes to tbe bar with a buddy after work. We don't have kids so nothing there. We have pets but I do the lion's share of taking care of them, which again, no bother to me.
> 
> I did ask him if he was good with me being with another man during the original divorce session and he said no.





Skyrim1985 said:


> I don't know....I do know that when we're both home we're almost always in the same room together. QT is usually whatever show we decide to binge watch or video games and talking about our day during the week because he's tired when he gets home from work but at least one night a week we go out to dinner. Weekends we usually go so something on Saturday, (he works most Sundays) usually we're out for most of the day. Lunch, maybe casino or a cute local town we like to barhop at, at night we watch a dumb movie and play Yahtzee or something. Sometimes he'll play video games (I like to watch and sometimes I'll add verbal guidance, sniper in the tree! Lol) and I play DJ and we'll sing along to the songs. I have a freakish memory for musical lyrics so sometimes he'll pick a playlist and I have to identify what every song is while they play like an at home Shazam lol. We can't go out as much with Covid but even during the lockdown we'd go take long drives together around the state just to get out of the house.





Skyrim1985 said:


> I don't think he's engaged in an affair right now. I do know that he admits himself that he overthinks things and runs off assumptions, and tends to focus on the worst case scenario of things and then decide that's what's going to happen (self fulfilling prophecy). He's said repeatedly he doesn't think I'll be able to get over it and "nothing will be the same", which yeah, no matter what it won't. But I'm moving forward with it pretty well, I think. We don't really talk about it much unless I get triggered by something which has gotten fairly rare. He said he thinks about it and the guilt every day. And he was VERY concerned about the fact our families knew, again "we'll never be able to recover if everyone knows, they think poorly of me now, etc". Honestly everyone is moving or had moved past it and is supportive of us reconciling.


I think your husband might be just completely torn apart by guilt and in serious need of counseling. But here's the thing about counseling, something you probably already know. Individual counseling is about what's best for you. IC is not looking after the marriage. 

Aside from that, he seems to be doing all the right things and the two of you share a lot of interests. Maybe you'll each come to an epiphany and say it's time for a reset; you went through a really rough time, you both learned a lot, but what are the odds, if you split, of ever finding someone else quite as quirky and compatible again? You guys are cute. In a good way. I wish you the very best and hope you don't let all the "he's still probably cheating" folk here get you down. You're probably his best friend. He's probably your best friend. It might be safe to assume that his guilt is his big issue and think, from a best friend standpoint, how would you help him deal with it? I realize that sounds really out there, when his guilt is from having an affair, and most people would say he gets everything he deserves. But maybe the two of you deserve a good marriage and maybe his guilt is keeping that from happening. I wish you both the best.


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## Skyrim1985 (Jul 18, 2020)

No children.

Yesterday is a perfect example of why I'm confused. Woke up and cuddled a bit, then I ran errands and he went back to sleep. He wanted to go out to lunch so we picked a new restaurant, ordered apps to split, sat outside, talked, laughed. Made plans for crab legs next weekend. Talked about how nice the patio would be to come back to in the fall. Went to another restaurant, sat and played pulltabs and had drinks and talked and laughed some more. Came home, watched the storm, played video games (he had me pick him out a bundle to upgrade) and listened to music. Finished our current binge series (he said now we can pick a new one to start). Watched Pineapple Express and laughed some more. Gave him a kiss on the forehead goodnight.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Skyrim1985 said:


> I don't think he's engaged in an affair right now. I do know that he admits himself that he overthinks things and runs off assumptions, and tends to focus on the worst case scenario of things and then decide that's what's going to happen (self fulfilling prophecy). He's said repeatedly he doesn't think I'll be able to get over it and "nothing will be the same", which yeah, no matter what it won't. But I'm moving forward with it pretty well, I think. We don't really talk about it much unless I get triggered by something which has gotten fairly rare. He said he thinks about it and the guilt every day. And he was VERY concerned about the fact our families knew, again "we'll never be able to recover if everyone knows, they think poorly of me now, etc". Honestly everyone is moving or had moved past it and is supportive of us reconciling.


i think he needs a good dose of reality. All his statements about the family knowing, thinking poorly of me etc are all selfish cake eater talk. He is in 'oh woe is me' mode and obviously has not thought about the impact the affair has had on you, he sounds immature and selfish. You may divorce but he will still be him and bring the same selfishness into another relationship and feel entitled to commit adultery when he is not getting the attention he thinks he deserves. I think your illness and lack of transparency has had a huge impact on him. A husband wants his wife to feel she can depend on him and you betrayed him in this way.

I think you should take some time out, start getting your ducks in a row though. Tell him you do not want a divorce but you will not carry the marriage. Then do a hard 180 on him so he will know what life is like without you. Do not do half his chores, and carry the marriage the way you have been doing, back off let him do for himself. Live your life with or without him. Do not do his laundry, cook for him etc, let him be responsible for himself. Tell him to look under Waywards in Surviving Infidelity and see the amount of damage affairs cause and the polluted thinking that gets them there. Maybe he will learn he has a lot of work to do on himself and his sense of entitlement.

One more question: why did you choose not to reveal what you were going through to your H? Did you not feel safe emotionally?


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## Skyrim1985 (Jul 18, 2020)

aine said:


> i think he needs a good dose of reality. All his statements about the family knowing, thinking poorly of me etc are all selfish cake eater talk. He is in 'oh woe is me' mode and obviously has not thought about the impact the affair has had on you, he sounds immature and selfish. You may divorce but he will still be him and bring the same selfishness into another relationship and feel entitled to commit adultery when he is not getting the attention he thinks he deserves. I think your illness and lack of transparency has had a huge impact on him. A husband wants his wife to feel she can depend on him and you betrayed him in this way.
> 
> I think you should take some time out, start getting your ducks in a row though. Tell him you do not want a divorce but you will not carry the marriage. Then do a hard 180 on him so he will know what life is like without you. Do not do half his chores, and carry the marriage the way you have been doing, back off let him do for himself. Live your life with or without him. Do not do his laundry, cook for him etc, let him be responsible for himself. Tell him to look under Waywards in Surviving Infidelity and see the amount of damage affairs cause and the polluted thinking that gets them there. Maybe he will learn he has a lot of work to do on himself and his sense of entitlement.
> 
> One more question: why did you choose not to reveal what you were going through to your H? Did you not feel safe emotionally?


Part of it was the anxiety and depression itself....I would get into spiraled thinking about how he would think poorly of me or judge me or think I was broken (because I felt like I was) and I was terrified of that. I also thought I was hiding it so well because I wasn't a sobbing wreck, which clearly I wasn't. Part of it was the way he's reacted to his sister who has struggled with the same issues in the past. He's supportive but very "poor Sis, she has so many problems". There's definitely pity there. He also struggles to understand and identify with issues he hasn't been through or experienced himself. I asked him last month if he thought he might be depressed and he said he didn't know because he doesn't know what depression feels like.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Skyrim1985 said:


> Part of it was the anxiety and depression itself....I would get into spiraled thinking about how he would think poorly of me or judge me or think I was broken (because I felt like I was) and I was terrified of that. I also thought I was hiding it so well because I wasn't a sobbing wreck, which clearly I wasn't. Part of it was the way he's reacted to his sister who has struggled with the same issues in the past. He's supportive but very "poor Sis, she has so many problems". There's definitely pity there. He also struggles to understand and identify with issues he hasn't been through or experienced himself. I asked him last month if he thought he might be depressed and he said he didn't know because he doesn't know what depression feels like.


it seems you did not feel emotionally safe to reveal what you were going through. That says a lot about the type of husband he has been. Sounds like you carry him. Your WH does not sound very reliable or mature. You really need to get your ducks in a row and work on yourself. Do not invest in him.


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## Skyrim1985 (Jul 18, 2020)

He's still sleeping in bed with me. We were intimate and after he came back to bed to cuddle. He still cuddles in the morning...we had a vehicle break down and he said we could store it and take our time figuring out what to do with it because "it's not like we're in a rush, we have forever." Conversations are still normal (we got into a discussion on if cats fart or not and if so, why dog farts are so much worse lol). There is still some emotional distance. He doesn't text as much during the day and I got a hug for the first time yesterday, and he avoids casual touches. We haven't brought up the discussion again. I've drawn up a budget for myself, looked at refinancing the house and have started exercising a bit and eating better. I feel like I'm planning for the worst and hoping for the best....is that stupid? Should I just let him go?


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

He doesn't want to hurt you and is ashamed of the affair. On the other hand he wants more of the excitement of limerence and new relationship. He wishes family didn't know. IMO: He does not appreciate how good y'all are together and when he says he wants a divorce--maybe, he really means he wants to totally live the single life, date, play, who knows. He thinks if he gave you most everything, he would free himself of the guilt. 

Do we know your ages. Why no children? Does he still work with the OW?

"Maybe there is someone better out there." What an insult--a selfish, characterless whine!! Sounds like you are very 'loose' with your boundaries in what he does socially? Does he want you to be more demanding of him in a husbandly way? Marriage takes a lot of work--good times and bad. He doesn't sound like he is in it for the long haul. I think he wants to see what another life gives him. Ask him what he would do/have if he could wave a magic wand and make everything perfect in his life.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Skyrim1985 said:


> He's still sleeping in bed with me. We were intimate and after he came back to bed to cuddle. He still cuddles in the morning...we had a vehicle break down and he said we could store it and take our time figuring out what to do with it because "it's not like we're in a rush, we have forever." Conversations are still normal (we got into a discussion on if cats fart or not and if so, why dog farts are so much worse lol). There is still some emotional distance. He doesn't text as much during the day and I got a hug for the first time yesterday, and he avoids casual touches. We haven't brought up the discussion again. I've drawn up a budget for myself, looked at refinancing the house and have started exercising a bit and eating better. I feel like I'm planning for the worst and hoping for the best....is that stupid? *Should I just let him go?*


The bolded part. Could mean two things. That you're actively working to keep him with you, and maybe that's not a great plan. Or that letting him go is about you, letting go of him physically and emotionally and moving on. Which is it?


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## Skyrim1985 (Jul 18, 2020)

Casual Observer said:


> The bolded part. Could mean two things. That you're actively working to keep him with you, and maybe that's not a great plan. Or that letting him go is about you, letting go of him physically and emotionally and moving on. Which is it?


Maybe it's more about letting go of the hope that he'd stay? I'm trying to avoid clinging, begging, pushing for answers, being over affectionate, etc. I'm also not walking around moping or sad or angry or standoffish. I'm kind of letting him take the lead on stuff at this point because I don't want to feel like I'm trying to force anything. He claims I "made" him stay after the affair, but back when he made the decision to stay he was very strident about how it was HIS decision to stay. So I want him to stay because he wants to not because I'm "making" him.


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## Skyrim1985 (Jul 18, 2020)

sunsetmist said:


> He doesn't want to hurt you and is ashamed of the affair. On the other hand he wants more of the excitement of limerence and new relationship. He wishes family didn't know. IMO: He does not appreciate how good y'all are together and when he says he wants a divorce--maybe, he really means he wants to totally live the single life, date, play, who knows. He thinks if he gave you most everything, he would free himself of the guilt.
> 
> Do we know your ages. Why no children? Does he still work with the OW?
> 
> "Maybe there is someone better out there." What an insult--a selfish, characterless whine!! Sounds like you are very 'loose' with your boundaries in what he does socially? Does he want you to be more demanding of him in a husbandly way? Marriage takes a lot of work--good times and bad. He doesn't sound like he is in it for the long haul. I think he wants to see what another life gives him. Ask him what he would do/have if he could wave a magic wand and make everything perfect in his life.


We're both 39. Childfree by choice. He still works with her. He's always been pretty free in the relationship and he liked it that way. We do spend a lot of time together and he always would let me know if he was going out and when he'd be home. I did ask him what he thought would make him happy and he didn't seem to know or couldn't articulate it. When he first mentioned he was struggling with if he should stay or go, I asked him what about the marriage made him unhappy and he proceeded to list out a bunch of stuff that had literally nothing to do with the marriage (his job, his weight, COVID, other general life ****). It was only when I pointed out none of that was about the actual marriage that I got "I made him stay when he was ready to go after the affair, it was hard going from the affair back to the marriage, he feels guilty and thinks about it everyday, he doesn't think we'll be able to move past it." He said if the affair hadn't happened he wouldn't be struggling.

He said he doesn't feel he can go to MC with me because he doesn't think he can be "honest" with me and says the last time it went bad. He had said in there that I gained weight and he felt pressured into marrying me but not from me, from other people (we'd been dating for 8 years by the time he proposed). I ended up kicking him out that night but it was because he kept talking about how she was his soulmate and they were like magnets and **** all night and I got fed up. I think he thinks I kicked him out because of what he said in the counselor's office though. Later on when the affair was over he did say he was so excited to marry me and didn't feel pressured so I don't know what to believe.


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