# Want to stop H laying in but he is kicking up a fuss...



## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

My H has a lay in every weekend usually a Saturday. We coined this arrangement as we used to have arguments every weekend when I would end up getting up early with the kids, and he would either say "you get up now, I'll ve down soon" and take two/three hours, refuse to get up as he was too tired, or get up then fall asleep on the sofa. Both days.

We coined this arrangement and agreed I would lay in if I wanted the other weekend morning.

What has happened is gradually the time he gets up at has gotten later and later. I do not begrudge him laying in as he works hard in the week. But we are talking getting up at 12:30 as being regular for him. This can often extend to 1 or sometimes 1:30 in the afternoon.

The other aspect is that I realized the mornings I lay in, he is going downstairs and going back to sleep whilst the kids are playing. The littlest is way too young to occupy themself. The other two are older and can find their own stuff to do but it is very wrong of him to do this. I have told him he cannot go back to sleep whilst in charge. He kinda laughs it off but has carried on doing it for the most part.

I approached him last week. Said I felt taken for granted and like the resident nanny. Said I felt when he was home he should be doing his bit with the kids. Pointed out by the time he gets showered and has eaten, it's nearly passed the equivalent of a regular school day.

He was NOT happy. Said if I reneged on the laying in agreement, he would stop doing the stuff he does for me that I like. He mentioned a couple of pointed things he knows are meaningfull to me. He seemed really hurt.

To add context... On my lay in day I get up at my usual time as I go do a sports practice for two hours. He often cites this as a reason why he should lay in bed so long, as I am out of the house for a "similar" amount of time (usually finish at 12.) He sometimes seems resentfull that I go do that even though he encouraged me to get out there and do something!

I was going to ask "am I justified in asking him to get up earlier?" But there is no point in this... I *have* asked... And he doesn't. So is he being petty in wanting to withdraw loving gestures if I break the lay in agreement? Am I fighting the wrong battle? Is 12 or 1 an OK time to get up when you have three kids and your W is pretty much doing near to an extra day on her own?
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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I've learned this the hard way. The more you try to get resentful men to DO anything the more they rebel. If he chooses to sleep all day then YOU must deal with that. And it's an easy fix actually. Just start having fun without him. If you can load up the kids and leave on his 'lay in' days. Don't do it to get revenge do it because you're done trying to get him to do anything. Think 180.

As much as it sucks let him sleep and on your days YOU will need to nap on the couch while the kids play. He's stated with his actions that he has no interest in doing anything with the kids or giving you a break. And he will hurt you if you push him.

He seems very resentful and your best bet in dealing with a man like that is to let them go. Give them their freedom with a twist (the 180). Every request will be met with resistance otherwise.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Ugh! My husband does this! He NEVER gets up early to handle our daughter and let me sleep in! He works tho, and I don't - so I guess I don't feel like I should gripe too much - but still it feels like I never have a break!

Your husband needs to realize that more than his physical presence is required to adequately be there for his children. You are not unreasonable to ask him to get up with the kids at least one day on the weekend, and his threats to withdraw doing the things you like as a result is pretty immature. This is about your children having time with their daddy - fully conscious and engaged. This is about him being a partner to you and giving you the opportunity to recharge your batteries so that you can also be an optimal parent and spouse.

Getting him to understand and agree to that is another dilemma altogether, though.

Wishing the best for you... I know how aggravating this is...
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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

I do gobout and do stuff without him at times. Being honest I feel resentfull at how it impacts on our limited family time. He made out he was happy I had a hobby but I feel now it gives him ammunition to say " well you aren't here for two hours on a Sunday morning, it's only fair I get the same." The thing is he used to do it BEFORE I started my Sunday practise anyway. 

When I do go out whilst he is in bed I'm resentfull. I know he works hard and a lay in til say 10 or 10:30 would be fine so we still have the day, but that is laughable to him.
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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

walkingwounded said:


> I do gobout and do stuff without him at times. Being honest I feel resentfull at how it impacts on our limited family time. He made out he was happy I had a hobby but I feel now it gives him *ammunition* to say " well you aren't here for two hours on a Sunday morning, it's only fair I get the same." The thing is he used to do it BEFORE I started my Sunday practise anyway.
> 
> When I do go out whilst he is in bed I'm resentfull. I know he works hard and a lay in til say 10 or 10:30 would be fine so we still have the day, but that is *laughable* to him.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Is he a nice guy? He doesn't sound like one. He sounds mean.

Yin's husband is a narcissist so no way in HELL will that man ever change. 

What about yours? What's his story?


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Ok my hubby used to do this too. I straight out told him that if he wanted to lay around and sleep in.. then he could do it as a single man. I pointed out that as a father he had a responsibility to HELP take care of the kids. Now he works as well and we did go through a... i work and he stays home phase but he didn't like that arrangement so we decided we would go with him working and me staying home. Now regardless of the fact that he worked.. it was still his job as a father to help with the kids and even though i stay home.. i sure as hell don't get as much sleep as i would like, in fact even now i get less then he does. Of course.. now that the kids are a bit older... he does have some days where both of us can sleep in although it's easier for him then myself lol.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

His body probably really NEEDS the extra sleep.

If he's working that hard, or stress at work & always getting up early for work... If he doesn't lay in on weekends & lets his body recover & recoop... there is serious potential for future physical problems.

If you don't let the body have the time to heal itself & regenerate itself (which happens during sleep phase).. It is really dangerous. You might be setting up to continually pay for medical treatment, that maybe could have been avoided if you got a saturday morning nanny.

Yup, that's really my suggestion for a solution. Get a highschool teen to come in Saturday mornings & fix kids breakfast & play with them until noon.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Chelle - what about OP's need for sleep and recovery?

I can relate to her situation because, like it or not, I'm up from 4:30am on every morning with my kid. I never get a day to sleep in, while Mr. Breadwinner gets both weekend days.

Ugh.
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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Chelle D said:


> His body probably really NEEDS the extra sleep.
> 
> If he's working that hard, or stress at work & always getting up early for work... If he doesn't lay in on weekends & lets his body recover & recoop... there is serious potential for future physical problems.
> 
> ...


^^^This is great advice... however.. not everyone has the luxury of being able to do this due to ....

1. some people don't trust teens.. especially nowadays with all the drugs and reckless behavior.

2. Even though they may need to see a doc at a later point.. it doesn't mean they will be able to. So.. lack of sleep will no doubt continue to go on. 


IF there is a POSSIBLE way where the partners are able to switch off and let one sleep in or nap or something.. then that would be a great idea i think. But one shouldn't be getting more sleep while the other continues to suffer from lack of it. That's just my view on it though.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

Other people are right...you probably aren't going to win this battle with him. 

First of all, I read that recent sleep research states that sleeping in on an odd day here or there actually doesn't help at all, it is better to keep a consistent schedule day to day. I will dig up research if needed, right now I am.posting from my phone.

Anyone raising young kids knows what it feels like to be effing exhausted, like sleeping for 10 years straight wouldn't be enough to compensate for it. So it shouldn't be him vs. you in a battle of who is more deserving of sleep. That's ridiculous. 

You know logically that your children will grow up and will no longer need constant supervision, heck there will be a day when they don't even want to spend time with you anymore. So if your husband won't participate in family time on his days off, give him the sleep he asks for and spend time with your kids. Your kids will remember who was there and who wasn't there for all those weekend memories you made. If that isn't enough to get bis butt out of bed, that is sad.
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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

YinPrincess said:


> Chelle - what about OP's need for sleep and recovery?
> 
> I can relate to her situation because, like it or not, I'm up from 4:30am on every morning with my kid. I never get a day to sleep in, while Mr. Breadwinner gets both weekend days.
> 
> ...


That's why I suggest the teen saturday nanny. so they can BOTH sleep in.

Also... There are plenty of trustworthy teens out there. Go to your church & ask around in the youth group. Find a friends daughter... etc. Obviously I'm not saying to leave them downstairs with a wreckless person.

But, I'm saying maybe give a chance to a young teen that might be starting out in sitting... With both parents "laying in" upstairs (or one of them). There IS an adult in the house if an emergency comes up that one of the kids has to go to hospital..etc.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

It was like this with the ex and I too, though in the last year I was always the one begrudginly getting up on the weekends and let her sleep because she was out late the night before and I knew she was more tired :slap: I guess I was also trying to make up (still) for all those nights she'd have to stay up and breastfeed (even though I'm sure that score was long ago settled). I really did have the case of the nice guys, was giving away so much of my own leisure time, hoping for more me time and more family time but not getting any. Once in awhile I would take a sleep in, and would go until almost noon, feeling really guilty and shamed (depressed I suppose) but trying to stake my claim to my own leisure time - of course then she'd look down on me as though in her leisure time she'd go out, buy junk we didn't need, whatever but was somehow more valuable w than mine simply cause I was wasting it in bed.

It really is about equal individual time to rest and recover, not about what the other partner chooses to do with that time - if you choose to go work out you can't begrudge him for wanting to use his time to do whatever he wants, including sleep.

However his non-leisure he needs to be pulling his weight, not sleeping while the kids play, but don't make this about the sleep-in schedule, make it about parental diligence.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

The advice that you're not going to make him do anything is correct.

Expect him to sleep and be gone with the kids having fun when he wakes up. Keep doing it until he asks about it.

Once he feels he's missing out, he'll come to the table.

Summer is the perfect time for this.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

WW, why is this such an issue? Your husband doesn't seem to think it should be. Is there a reason?

You said the older two children are able to find things to do but the youngest is too young. How old are these children? Wouldn't your older ones wake daddy up if the youngest got into something? 

I think it's going to be important to find a way to support what your husband wants even if you may not agree to it. This might mean changing your perspective a little bit, letting the kids stay up late on weekends, hiring in outside help, or providing the care for your children while your husband sleeps as an unselfish act of love.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

The problem is WW's husband is kinda well not the greatest husband out there. This is just one of many issues they have. If this was her only problem she'd have it made but sadly it's not. He's refusing to do a lot of things these days. Supposedly he's working on it but to threaten to back out has got to be heartbreaking to her.

That's the main reason I said let this go. Deal with one issue at a time and this isn't the main one.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

KathyBatesel said:


> WW, why is this such an issue? Your husband doesn't seem to think it should be. Is there a reason?
> 
> You said the older two children are able to find things to do but the youngest is too young. How old are these children? Wouldn't your older ones wake daddy up if the youngest got into something?
> 
> I think it's going to be important to find a way to support what your husband wants even if you may not agree to it. This might mean changing your perspective a little bit, letting the kids stay up late on weekends, hiring in outside help, or providing the care for your children while your husband sleeps as an unselfish act of love.


It is a problem because I feel taken advantage of. I also feel that I am being indirectly told to do an "extra" day at home with the kids like I do every single week day. It is like he is saying (but not ACTUALLY saying out loud, just showing me) "I work 5 days, you signed up for 5 days but I've decided you are doing six now."

Like I say, I don't begrudge him laying in. But 1:30 is taking liberties. Sure enough he tried to convince me earlier that he is *just* doing the equivalent of me going out and doing sports on Sundays. Try and tell him I have only been doing that since the start of the year... Ha. Still does not care.

I have come to realize that everything I ask is a battle for him. It is allmost like he hears me ask and flips into petulant contrary kid mode and digs his heels in. He can never just give something freely out of love because it would make me happy. I think through lots of big and small decisions and the majority we have ended up going his way, or we have done what I wanted after a long drawn out process. It is like he does not value my POV at all.
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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

This is all bull.

He sleeps in because he can. And because he's lazy. And because he trained himself to sleep in late on weekends.

It only takes three to five days to train yourself to get up early and still feel great. I used to sleep in on the weekends late until I realized how much of my day I was wasting. So I set my alarm for 530 am for a week. As soon as that alarm went off, I would jump out of bed regardless of how tired I felt, feigning the feeling that I was full of energy and ready to take on the world.
After a week, I actually felt fully awake once I retrained my brain. After a year, I found that I don't even need my alarm anymore. It's like my brain knows its 530 and I just get up. 

It's amazing how much I Can get done around the house in those two hours before the kids even start to stir.
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## Ano (Jun 7, 2012)

I went through a somewhat similar situation. But it wasn't a sleeping in issue. My husband just didn't want to do anything but stay home and watch tv. We have a 3 year old. I eventually got to the point where I told him in a nice manner "were going to the zoo if you want to come " ..or whenever if was that we were going. Eventually he expressed that I made him feel like he wasn't part of the family cause I acted like I was going regardless if he did or not. I explained to him that he never wanted to do anything. I didn't want to be a dictator and say "get up and turn the tv off, were going to the zoo". I let him know we were going and he was invited. Of course he always came...but he still hated the way I said it. I since then have learned to ask the night before if he wants to do something tomorrow..that way we have a plan and wonderfully the tv and couch don't get any attention those days. I guess he needed a little push. I felt second to the tv...as he felt not as important in our family outing decisions. So we compromised.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

walkingwounded said:


> It is a problem because I feel taken advantage of.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So the sleeping in is NOT the real problem. Feeling taken advantage of is the real problem. 

You cannot change him. The only thing you can do is change yourself, and if you do, then your relationship will change. I can't promise it'll change for the better, but it *will* change. 

The things you're doing now aren't working. I suspect that you try to negotiate with him (which turns into arguments.) Since negotiation doesn't work, you need to acknowledge that he isn't going to compromise with you and stop trying to beat that dead horse. 

It would be great if he would do as alphaomega suggested, but you can't make him want that. He's only going to take actions when it gives him what he wants or when not taking actions gives him pain he wants to avoid. 

I like Ano's suggestion better for your circumstances, though I'd adjust it a bit. Start planning fun things that you KNOW your husband would enjoy and let him miss out while he's sleeping in. I wouldn't invite him even. When he complains, I'd say, "I know that sleeping in is more important to you than anything, so I figured I'd respect that." I'd make sure they appeared to be spontaneous decisions. "I didn't know if I really wanted to do it or not, but then I felt lonely while you were asleep so I decided the kids and I would go." Although I wouldn't plan anything expensive, I *would* put the things on his credit card or use his money to pay for them, too, but if you don't have access to his funds this could cause more problems than solutions, so consider that last part carefully before trying to use it.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

KathyBatesel said:


> It would be great if he would do as alphaomega suggested, but you can't make him want that. He's only going to take actions when it gives him what he wants or when not taking actions gives him pain he wants to avoid.


YES. This is it exactly. People are selfish and the only way to get through to them is to make it painful in some way. Like with the 180. That involves NOT meeting their needs which motivates people to step up to get their cushy life back.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

alphaomega said:


> This is all bull.
> 
> He sleeps in because he can. And because he's lazy. And because he trained himself to sleep in late on weekends.
> 
> ...


When you are done there, I have plenty of extra laundry here.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Conrad said:


> When you are done there, I have plenty of extra laundry here.


As long as you don't fitness test me and make me come up with a witty response about how nice your tits look in freshly washed shirts.
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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

LMAO!

Thanks for the input.

Alphaomega. I like what you do. That is great. I might do that for me!

Anyway I digress. To flesh out the background a little, my H's job involves a degree of heavy physical work. He is fit but works so hard that he is tired after work most of the time.

He does not however do stuff to take care of himself. Such as he does not eat a proper breakfast before leaving for work. He does not allways drink enough water. He has a couple too many beers in the evening and goes to bed ridiculosly late (1 at times.) He really does not help himself physically. Of course by the weekend he is exhausyed. Add in meeting his friend for beers every Friday evening and Saturday allways equals the MASSIVE laying in.

His view is that he deserves it for working hard all week. I as I said certainly do not have a problem with it within reasonable limits. But it is interfering with family time and I feel taken for granted. 

I have explained I don't want to take away his sleeping in but getting up at say 10 or 10:30 would mean he still gets a good lay in and we still have most of the day to do family stuff. That is unthinkable to him. He says he simply just doesn't wake up untill that time. I countered with what about setting an alarm? No he said : because he "doesn't want to."

My thoughts were similar guys to what you Ano and Kathy suggested. Plan stuff I know he would enjoy. Either go with the kids myself or enlist a hand from the grandparents. Go have fun and take photos then show him when we get back. I know he'd feel a little sad seeing the kids do fun stuff without him there, especially the littlest who's only a big toddler really.

I have tried planning stuff in advance... That does not work. Mostly we never end up going or we are late. One of the last times was a day trip to the beach. We ended up leaving at 12 for a 2 hour drive so got hardly any time there.

My other idea is to have a day or weekend away just me or take the kids. Start being very absent for big chunks of time.
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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Conrad said:


> The advice that you're not going to make him do anything is correct.
> 
> Expect him to sleep and be gone with the kids having fun when he wakes up. Keep doing it until he asks about it.
> 
> ...


That was my thought... and also what do the kids think about dad sleeping until 1230? Geesh. 

To have a relationship and have kids, you both need to be on a similar schedule. If he's sleeping until 1230 and you are up early, obviously you are not going to bed at the same time either. 

Sooner or later he will figure that part out too. 

While you are gone until noon, phrase it as 'daddy time' and ask him if he has something special for his time with the kids. Word it that it has nothing to do with YOU, per say. 
But an opportunity for him to have alone with the kids, just like you do while he's working. The mentality of "babysitting" your own kids is foreign to me. I"m just curious why he doesn't see how this affects the kids.


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