# Cant decide what to do



## crrzzyy8s (Aug 10, 2014)

I am a married man for 16 years, been with my wife for 21. We have 2 kids 6 and 9. 

I am at a complete loss as to what to do. Over the last year I have found myself so disconnected from my wife that even intimacy doesnt seem interesting. When I look at my wife I just cant find that deep love. I try but its not there. We have spoken over the last few months about this and about separating.

In July she left the state for a month with the kids to visit family as I stayed behind. I enjoyed my alone time except for missing the kids. I decided half way through the month I would fly out and see the kids and see if there was anything still between us but even after a planned romantic getaway I still felt so alone and not connected.

We talked about this while I was out and she told me I deserve to be happy with someone. We always agreed we would never keep the other from being happy. We talked some more and at the end of the conversation she gave me her ring and told me when I find that love as a marriage I can propose to her again. I still have the ring and honestly dont think twice about giving back. 

I have thought a lot about separating and divorce and my friends tell me I need to do whats best for me but I feel I need to take care of her...make sure she doesnt struggle. 

I am often feeling depressed which is not like me. I feel I cannot control the way I feel or find a way to make this work. We talked about marriage counseling but havent made an appointment.

Any advise would be helpful as I am struggling to find the truth in me.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

crrzzyy8s said:


> I am often feeling depressed which is not like me. I feel I cannot control the way I feel or find a way to make this work. *We talked about marriage counseling but havent made an appointment.*
> 
> Any advise would be helpful as I am struggling to find the truth in me.


First of all, sounds like you want to get out of your marriage, sow your oats, taste the grass on the other side. Nothing wrong with that if you are miserable in your marriage. However, if you are simply "restless" and wondering what else is out there, you owe it to yourself to get marriage counseling before you sink the whole ship and devastate your family.



crrzzyy8s said:


> I have thought a lot about separating and divorce and my friends tell me I need to do whats best for me but *I feel I need to take care of her...make sure she doesnt struggle.*


Believe me, after 21 years together and two kids your kids' ages, *the court will make d*mn sure she doesn't struggle.* You will likely be paying child support and spousal support out the a$$... so don't worry. Go find your freedom, but know that it likely comes with a ball and chain pricetag paying her.

I think you sound incredibly selfish. You haven't even tried to work it out yet.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If you wanted to fix your marriage it can be fixed. Even the love and passion that can be rebuilt. 

But it sounds like you don't care and are just looking for the reason that will justify a divorce.

Divorce is not simple solution.


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## Abc123wife (Sep 18, 2013)

Something doesn't sound quite right. Your wife said she wanted you to be happy with someone (even if that is not her) and gave her ring back? Are you sure she hasn't already found someone else? Seems she jumped on the chance to possibly be free too quickly.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Sounds to me like he has already found someone he wants to try out.


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## crrzzyy8s (Aug 10, 2014)

You know when I talk to friends about this they give me the answers I want to hear.

You all make great points which is why I turned to this site.

happy as a clam said it exactly right...I am being selfish.

I want the security of a marriage but the chance to be with someone else. My wife is my first and only...I have been around with her since we were 17.

Is there someone else...I think there is the thought of someone else who is a complete toxic waste of my time but I emotionally keep getting wrapped up in her life.

I dont believe my wife is with someone else or found someone else, that is not something she would do.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

crrzzyy8s said:


> Is there someone else...I think there is the thought of someone else who is a complete toxic waste of my time but I emotionally keep getting wrapped up in her life.


How involved are you with this other woman?


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## RuralMama (Jun 18, 2014)

Love is a choice and marriage takes work. That work can be a lot of fun, but it takes thought, planning and patience. Feelings are a result of choosing to love. Looking for feelings to determine how to choose will not bring happiness. I am sorry you are struggling. Figure out how to rekindle the romance with your wife, but first choose to love her and be her friend.


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