# What sex can do for a marriage



## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

While waiting for an appointment, I read an article in a magazine, Redbook I think. The article was on how sex can fix many issues in a marriage. While I do not believe it is a "fix all" solution, I do have to agree with the article's main idea that having frequent sex together does have value for keeping a good marriage strong and healthy and can help ease some of the relationship bummers that naturally occur in every marriage. 

In my marriage, sex definitely has a positive, almost magic, affect on some "issues". For example - this past week has been extremely busy for my husband. He has been gone a lot and is stressed with all of his responsibilities that are coming to head all at once. At the same time I am facing a major medical issue that is requiring us to do research and make some important decisions. We have not had a lot of time together this past week and sex definitely was pushed to the side line because of lack of time and availability. 

By this weekend, we were both exhausted, cranky, distant, and quick to criticize each other. Sunday morning, the digs at each other were flying everywhere. Finally Sunday afternoon we had some free time and wisely took very good advantage of it if you get my drift. () lol After a very satisfying afternoon our moods were so different. We felt so connected and bonded, we were refreshed, we were giddy and laughing at the dumbest things. We had more energy and we just felt so much better all around. That couple of hours reconnected us in a way that nothing else could and helped us to feel ready to face the even more grueling week ahead.

I have to agree with the article that sex can do a lot to fix many marital issues! And on top of that benefit, it just feels really really good! 

Do you think sex "fixes" issues in your marriage?


----------



## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

yes, regular sex would make things better


----------



## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

I KNOW that sex can fix issues in a marriage. At least, it works that way in mine. Yah, I am a LD spouse, and my H does have to work at it, but I am willing, and I see the benefit every day. 

A feeling of intimacy between you - CHECK
A feeling of happiness, less depression - CHECK
H willing to go shopping for furnitue - CHECK

Caught you! I just put that last one on there for fun! Anyway, my H is definitely more accommodating about more things - less touchy, happier, calmer and I find that I am the same way too. It has definitely been something that has been worthwhile for us to pursue in figuring out how to straighten out the issues we had with his HD and my LD.


----------



## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

Enchantment said:


> H willing to go shopping for furnitue - CHECK


whoa now


----------



## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Yeah she must be uh-mazing in the sack to get that. I get headaches just thinking about it.


----------



## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> Yeah she must be uh-mazing in the sack to get that. I get headaches just thinking about it.


Well, I am, what they say, top drawer? 

No, seriously, getting furniture was a joke! But men who are well satifised are a lot more like putty, so to speak. The key is not to abuse that.


----------



## nader (May 4, 2011)

This just in - sex feels good and makes you happier! isn't it sad that there has to be an article about this? This should go without saying, shouldn't it?


----------



## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

I've been putting forth more effort lately (initiating, bj's, etc.) As a result my husband can't seem to do enough for me lately. Yesterday he kept fixing things instead of napping. That is so not like him.

Not that I care I still have the higher drive so it's more for me than him. LOL!


----------



## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

I've been on TAM long and often enough to get the drift that sex, while not healing everything, can certainly help. However OP's second paragraph, referring to both being exhausted, cranky, distant and quick to criticise, digs flying everywhere, is a perfect definition. Word perfect. Of the situation in which I could not even dream of making love/having sex/whatever you care to call it. 
How can anyone? How would you start? (not meant to be a silly question) if you're pissed off at each other? 

Not taking away from the gist of the OP, you understand, just wanting to clarify that particular point


----------



## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

Madimoff, You make a good point and I understand where you are coming from. I have even been there with that attitude myself. If we were really mad at each other then... Let me rephrase that - if I were really mad at my husband and all the negative things that were going on were really directed at each other - sex would not have happened until we had worked things out between us. In the case I was describing, neither of us were really mad at the other, but instead we were both frustrated about other things in our lives. That frustration was getting thrown everywhere in very negative ways but was not directly targeted at each other (if that makes any sense). We both recognized what was happening and made an effort to stop it. 

After a cryptic remark from him, I said to him - "You are way to cranky! You know what you need. You just need a good lay." Things got playful from there and we both relaxed enough to let it flow! And from there the tension that had been building melted away! It really was that simple.

Sometimes our relationships get damaged from the stresses of living. I can't speak for anyone else but me, and in my marriage I have found that a lot of times - sex magically relieves some of the stresses we face and helps us to come together as one. We then can refocus on what is really important which is our marriage and our relationship with each other. 

Just for the record, it took me a long, long time to get to this point of understanding the importance and effects of a healthy, frequent sex life in my marriage. I am only sharing these things hopefully so that others might learn and benefit a little sooner than I did.


----------



## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

mary35 said:


> Madimoff, You make a good point and I understand where you are coming from. I have even been there with that attitude myself. If we were really mad at each other then... Let me rephrase that - if I were really mad at my husband and all the negative things that were going on were really directed at each other - sex would not have happened until we had worked things out between us. In the case I was describing, neither of us were really mad at the other, but instead we were both frustrated about other things in our lives. That frustration was getting thrown everywhere in very negative ways but was not directly targeted at each other (if that makes any sense). We both recognized what was happening and made an effort to stop it.
> 
> After a cryptic remark from him, I said to him - "You are way to cranky! You know what you need. You just need a good lay." Things got playful from there and we both relaxed enough to let it flow! And from there the tension that had been building melted away! It really was that simple.
> 
> ...


D'you know I think this is the first time I've seen someone articulate this whole 'problem' so clearly. I reckon we have some rather more major underlying stuff that very often gets in the way, but that sometimes it OUGHT to be as you put it 'that simple' to just 'joke' our way into bed and into feeling a whole lot better and a whole lot better about each other. 
Knowing how to know (if you see what I mean) the difference between stuff directed AT each other and stuff which is external but AFFECTS both of us and should be regarded as no-one's 'fault' - well that proves a stumbling block for me, less so my OH. 
I like your phrase 'way too cranky'. It feels like something my OH might just accept being said about him, provided I could say it 'nicely' enough!!! - whether I have the bottle, or would have the bottle, to take it that step further and quickly enough to override any misunderstanding about criticising his temper - well that remains to be seen. 
Just to be clearer, what do you call a 'long long time' to understand all this, and did you ever have underlying resentments which would have clouded the issue?


----------



## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

I think sex has brought a lot of joy to my life. 

When I want sex, my husband isn't horny, but he still lets me take advantage of him and have orgasms, it is such a wonderful feeling. It is not just physical pleasure, it is feeling of being loved by him and he just wants to see me happy.

Because he never deprives me sex pleasure, I never deprive him sex pleasure either. Very often we don't get horny at the same time, but we are always there for each other whenever who wants to have sex. We don't have high sex drive and low sex drive problems! I get to have sex at any time I want to, he gets to have sex at any time he wants to! It is so harmonious and wonderful!

I believe when a husband and wife can have wonderful sex together often, it shows they are very happy with each other. When a couple is happy in their marriage, all the outside problems( like work and people related) seem very trivial to them! My feeling!


----------



## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

greenpearl said:


> I think sex has brought a lot of joy to my life.
> 
> When I want sex, my husband isn't horny, but he still lets me take advantage of him and have orgasms, it is such a wonderful feeling. It is not just physical pleasure, it is feeling of being loved by him and he just wants to see me happy.
> 
> ...


My x wife certainly didn't have any of these positive attitudes about sex. I always thought sex could be a stress reliever and help in a marriage, but not my wife. 

I thought sex could relieve stress, whereas, my wife thought it was stress. If I had a bad day or problems, nothing could have been better for me than to have made love to my wife, but with her, everything had to "first" be perfect. All the universe had to be perfect before she wanted sex.

Looking back, she may have had sex when she didn't want to at times, but I think she resented it. I just can't believe the difference in sexual attitude between some women here and my
x wife. 

She accused me of not being in a good mood at times. Gee, I'm sure I wasn't. Sex once every 6 weeks just didn't keep me happy.


----------



## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

madimoff said:


> D'you know I think this is the first time I've seen someone articulate this whole 'problem' so clearly. I reckon we have some rather more major underlying stuff that very often gets in the way, but that sometimes it OUGHT to be as you put it 'that simple' to just 'joke' our way into bed and into feeling a whole lot better and a whole lot better about each other.
> Knowing how to know (if you see what I mean) the difference between stuff directed AT each other and stuff which is external but AFFECTS both of us and should be regarded as no-one's 'fault' - well that proves a stumbling block for me, less so my OH.
> I like your phrase 'way too cranky'. It feels like something my OH might just accept being said about him, provided I could say it 'nicely' enough!!! - whether I have the bottle, or would have the bottle, to take it that step further and quickly enough to override any misunderstanding about criticising his temper - well that remains to be seen.
> Just to be clearer, what do you call a 'long long time' to understand all this, and did you ever have underlying resentments which would have clouded the issue?


We have been married 30 plus years. I only figured out the power of sex about 5 - 6 years ago. See it has been a long, long time!!! OF course there were times that I had underlying resentments that clouded the issues. But I have gotten a lot better at letting them go and not allowing them to build. I now fully understand that I have control over myself, so I can choose to be resentful and I can choose not to be resentful. Sometimes, I still choose poorly. lol But it has gotten easier for me to choose the better cup. When the resentment is not there I can more clearly see what the true antagonists to our marriage are. And most of the time its not us but instead outside sources. When I can see that, its easier to find ways to pull together instead of apart. 

Like I said, I can't speak for others, I can only say this is what works for us.


----------



## miss-understood (Jun 13, 2011)

Fair enough for some. Sex isn't a stress reliever for everyone though. It can be a stress inducer to some people and can cause problems and unwanted illness.


----------



## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

southbound said:


> My x wife certainly didn't have any of these positive attitudes about sex. I always thought sex could be a stress reliever and help in a marriage, but not my wife.
> 
> I thought sex could relieve stress, whereas, my wife thought it was stress. If I had a bad day or problems, nothing could have been better for me than to have made love to my wife, but with her, everything had to "first" be perfect. All the universe had to be perfect before she wanted sex.
> 
> ...


For most of our marriage, I was just like your x wife. And during this time, sex was not a bonding experience for either of us. It could have been, but MY attitude about sex (I take full responsibility for this one) would not allow it! I don't know why I am not an x wife to be honest! Fortunately I had the chance to wake up and feel the sex.  My husband has asked "who are you?" on occasion. But trust me - he does not want the old me back! More importantly - I don't want the old me back or our old marriage back! I am so enjoying where we are at. Sex CAN be a stress re-leaser and a help in marriage, but it is not automatically either one. If one of the parties does not find sex to be a bonding experience - then there will be no bonding no matter how hard the other spouse tries.


----------



## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

That's right. "Lovemaking" with my wife was never more than perfunctory, utilitarian. I could have been emptying the dishwasher. It was the opposite of intimate or bonding.


----------



## Rough Patch Sewing (Apr 18, 2011)

miss-understood said:


> Fair enough for some. Sex isn't a stress reliever for everyone though. It can be a stress inducer to some people and can cause problems and unwanted illness.


miss-understood, I see your point and it is a very valid point. If I may be so bold to ask, do you feel that there is any potential for sex to no longer be a stress inducer? Is there a way to work it out, even if (hypothetically) your spouse is a totally different person from such a spouse in question? I mean through sex therapy for the overall situation and relational effort on both the part of both spouses who do not see eye to eye about sex?

I guess that it all depends. I would be greatly pleased to find out what you have to say because I respect your view points, even if I cannot relate or agree to all of them.

I am going to follow up in an additional post with some thoughts I have so as not to overkill one single post. I do want to get the thoughts out there, even before you have a chance to respond, because I may lose track of them.


----------



## Rough Patch Sewing (Apr 18, 2011)

Sex can be so many different things to different people. It always seems to be a barometer for deeper underlying issues in marriage, both positive and negative. 

It also seems to be a point of disparate tension; it can be physically painful for some and emotionally painful for others and quite the opposite for others. There is no denying that fact that sex is a central topic in marriage.

Does anyone know why it may be a general cause of acute displeasure or apathy for some? Probably the list is infinite in scope. 

(Similar to a question from my last post) Would a person who is apathetic or totally put-off by sex in his or her marriage want to make it not so? Perhaps attitude has something to do with a desire to have sex be one way or another in one's personal life.

I have a friend who has had so many sexual issues with his wife that he has told me that he wished that he were asexual. I do not put him down for his frustration. He cannot see a way out of it. He refuses to cheat on her (commendable for sure), but has given up trying to make it work with his wife. It is more of an agony to go down that road than it is worth to him. In this case, his wife has many sexual issues that make it difficult for them. Growing up she was physically and sexually abused by her father and has had a hysterectomy due to many different physical issues. He helps her through the emotional pain that those trauma have produced. That trauma took its toll on their sex life. 

The thing is that he doesn't express any resentment towards her, but he does live in quiet desperation. I think that that is a good thing and can allow for slow progress for healing for his wife if they do go to therapy and for their marriage relationship. 

I believe that sex therapy can help with sexual dysfunction like this. I commend anyone who wants to make this issue a thing to deal with for the purpose of being free to both desire sex and if he or she so chooses, not desire sex with his or her mate. 

I am not trying to hijack this thread; rather I am just putting some questions out there as food for thought. Also, in no way are these questions pointed at any single individual. However, I thought that they are pertinent to the topic at hand.


----------



## Jadegreen (Apr 4, 2011)

this whole idea of having sex even when you're angry has been a bit of a revelation for me and I'm just working on it. letting go of the idea that the emotional world has to be perfect - but it does work. 

One of the challenges, though, is that I'm a slow cooker and he's a quickie. I need an hour, most of the time, at a minimum and he, of course, could be 10 minutes start to finish. So it takes some time and space before I'm willing to be a participant, just for him. I do get cranky from being aroused and not sexually satisfied so I have to be balanced when I think about doing it.

after that, though, I think sex does do a lot for a marriage. The absence of sex sure does a lot, too. It makes the lovingness dry up and you become more like friends. Who wants to live with a friend day in and day out? that just makes you cranky, with no relief! Having sex makes you both more generous of spirit, I think.


----------



## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

Rough Patch Sewing said:


> Sex can be so many different things to different people. It always seems to be a barometer for deeper underlying issues in marriage, both positive and negative. I totally agree! Relationships are so multilayered and have so many different facets. Sex is only one facet of a marriage, but yet it often reflects whats happening in the other facets.
> 
> It also seems to be a point of disparate tension; it can be physically painful for some and emotionally painful for others and quite the opposite for others. There is no denying that fact that sex is a central topic in marriage.
> 
> ...


You have provided a lot to think about.


----------



## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

Jadegreen said:


> this whole idea of having sex even when you're angry has been a bit of a revelation for me and I'm just working on it. letting go of the idea that the emotional world has to be perfect - but it does work.
> 
> One of the challenges, though, is that I'm a slow cooker and he's a quickie. I need an hour, most of the time, at a minimum and he, of course, could be 10 minutes start to finish. So it takes some time and space before I'm willing to be a participant, just for him. I do get cranky from being aroused and not sexually satisfied so I have to be balanced when I think about doing it. I think this is a challenge for many couples. But for every challenge, there are solutions. The trick is to find the ones that work for you.
> 
> after that, though, I think sex does do a lot for a marriage. The absence of sex sure does a lot, too. It makes the lovingness dry up and you become more like friends. Who wants to live with a friend day in and day out? that just makes you cranky, with no relief! Having sex makes you both more generous of spirit, I think.


 I like the words you used = "generous of spirit". Just think what kind of marriages we could have if this was our motto! I agree with you and in the example I wrote about my husband and me - these words describe exactly what happened after we were brought together with sex - we were both more generous of spirit towards each other and the other areas of our lives.


----------



## miss-understood (Jun 13, 2011)

Rough Patch Sewing said:


> miss-understood, I see your point and it is a very valid point. If I may be so bold to ask, do you feel that there is any potential for sex to no longer be a stress inducer? Is there a way to work it out, even if (hypothetically) your spouse is a totally different person from such a spouse in question? I mean through sex therapy for the overall situation and relational effort on both the part of both spouses who do not see eye to eye about sex?
> 
> I guess that it all depends. I would be greatly pleased to find out what you have to say because I respect your view points, even if I cannot relate or agree to all of them.
> 
> I am going to follow up in an additional post with some thoughts I have so as not to overkill one single post. I do want to get the thoughts out there, even before you have a chance to respond, because I may lose track of them.



Hey RPS! Hmmm, interesting questions. I definitely think it's *possible* for sex to no longer be a stress-inducer (for someone to whom it is currently a stress-inducer) - depending on the situation, though. I mean, there are soooooo many varied cases/reasons why people feel stress over it.

Would you agree with that? 

And I do think it's primarily women who get stressed by it. I mean, because of biology (unwanted consequence, health issues, pain). 

Or just feeling like it's kind of gross or uncivilized, overall. (Not to generalize to much w/regard to male vs. female - but I've only met 2 men ever in my life who felt sex was "gross" and disgusting, and they both had the same belief that the act of eating was pretty gross, too - it seems far more common to run across women who get grossed out, I think?)

I have a coworker who's wife nearly died from an ectopic pregnancy - had to have emergency surgery. She's terrified to have sex again. I mean, they actually do want to have another child, but she's just so freaked out about what she experienced, and afraid of it happening again. 

Some people have been sexually assaulted as adults. Or worse - as little children. And have had their sense of physical boundaries and safety violated and shattered.

And then there's the stress some experience from the general pressure/obligation. I have a couple of girlfriends who get stressed out because they feel sex is something they're obligated to "provide" to their spouses, like it or not - consequences or not. That might be slightly different - that's the _*thought*_ of sex being a stress-inducer. (Maybe even more so, at times, than the actual act or aftermath itself.)

And there's the pressure on single gals out in the dating world to put out asap and act hypersexual - lest they be labeled "prudes" or "hung up" (it used to be sl*t that was the label we avoided - young girls today seem more mortified to be labeled a "prude").

On a side note: I have another friend who believes that relationships free of sex are actually deeper and more profound than those that include sex. He believes that physical "pleasure" makes a relationship more superficial, because of that (ultimately rather) selfish pleasure component. He believes that real, profound love is love that is given/received minus any physical bodily pleasure "hits", because in the brain, sex rewards are similar to drug rewards. And we should be bigger/better than basing our _*love*_ for others on addictive pleasure "hits". And that bonding in other ways makes for a deeper and more authentic (non-self serving, non-physical pleasure-based) bond.

That was a tangent! Shoot. Sorry! Because he doesn't think it's a "stress-inducer", per se - just "superficial" and kind of silly.

So... it's seems so varied - and so different to various individuals!

And of course, I'm not mentioning all the varied reasons why people are into it and_* do*_ like it. I think that's been covered elsewhere. I'm focusing on what you asked me, specifically. 

Most of all, I think that in our post-sexual revolution culture we've been so inundated with all this "sex sex sex" stuff, we forget that not everyone thinks it's so great and desirable. For some it even causes physical pain, upset, distress, illness and activates unpleasant and stressful feelings. I think it's important to remember that before we pressure others to have sex (or to have "more sex"), as if it's always going to be great for everyone. Because it's not. "Having sex" might be the worst advice - for some people - in order to decrease their stress or make them happier/healthier.

To work it out between two spouses who do not see eye-to-eye, it's probably always theoretically possible. But - in my opinion - likely requires a lot of understanding and patience in most cases? Especially since it's such a personal and highly-charged topic/activity. And in the case of we women - it involves the inside of our bodies - which is a personal and life-altering as it ever gets! 

What do _*you *_think?


----------



## annagarret (Jun 12, 2011)

OMG.What can sex do for a marriage, well .A hell (sorry) of a lot. I think inside marriage sex provides the very best benefits. Whoo..... intimacy, trust, love,......love,.....variety......newness......whoo....sex..sex.... and more.........trust....


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

mary35 said:


> Do you think sex "fixes" issues in your marriage?


Me & my husband have always gotten along really well, never any big issues between us (some difficult times dealing with me when we couldn't conceive- that was the hardest ), we would have spats here & there as any married couple but we never would go to bed angry, although my husband went to bed "wanting" many many nights while I was reading books. He still never showed any anger. Dagone him!

For us personally, I could write a book on this question-- The heights we have climbed with each other since becoming increasingly MORE sexually open, daring, sharing our intimate fantasies, exploring each others bodies , living & vowing to please each other -because it brings us JOY to do for the other. 

I am one of those women who had NO freaking idea just what I was truly missing- in being so "cluless' "thoughtless" busy, not considering just how important a frequent happening sex life could be, SHOULD BE --even though it was a taste of heaven itself during our moments we did "cum" together. We felt so much but yet -held so much back, never sharing what we was feeling inside to each other or exploring it further. :slap: 

Truth be told, I was decently grouchy much of the time during our marraige (not all but I sure had my moments) , I likely needed LAYED more often! I really believe this -looking back.  Husband was too backwards to say "listen woman, I need it now" & just take me- throw me down & say "You are getting it tonight" and my attitude was probably a turn off to him on many occassions. He told me a couple yrs ago (of coarse I never knew this then) -he used to be "in the mood" ALOT coming home from work thinking about me/us for later that night, then when he hit the door, I was grouching about something or wanted something done, he just lost the urge. Boy did I / we ever screw it up! Had he wresteld me to the floor, that might have been the trick, or had I been more affectionate, it would have revived him to seduce me further.

I think more raging sex would have been my uplifter, a release of my built up tensions. 


His passivity coupled with my obsessive drive to get other things done & not being "tuned" into my own sexuality & it's power to heal was the biggest blunder in our marraige. 

We were missing much of the euphoria, the spice, the adrenline rush of passionate love when we didn't have as much sex, so Yes, it is healing for the soul, the mind, the spirit.

We suddenly took our ho hum selves & took a trip to the Moon with the increase in playful exploring intimacy in our marraige. We spiked the *EROS* in us both -bringing back that feeling of just meeting each other, like star crossed craving lovers who can't get enough of each other. I realize this is a "dopamine rush" as well. 

I have always LOVED my husband but until we opened up more sexually with each other, He silently questioned my love for him to some degree. I had no idea he was feeling this. It killed me to learn this later. Me desiring him = love in the highest degree for this man. I went a little oveboard in that for a time- he didn't know what hit him!!  

He is now more "vulnerable" with me with his feelings, he is visibly happier, more playfully flirty & affectionate, no longer grouching at the kids as much (he used to take it out on them, never me). I am more of many GOOD things..... more patient, ever more loving towards him & helpful, I practically worship him now, affectionate, the bonding -oh my ! The romance has returned full swing . I feel more ALIVE, more confident, blissfully happy just about 24/7 (minus a little pms), I feel I finally, after all of these years, found a part of myself that has been hidden, locked away, veiled somehow. Which was a part of US all along.  

Sex should never be underestimated as a "Healing" to many many aspects of marraige. 




> “Sex is more than an act of pleasure, its' the ability to be able to feel so close to a person, so connected, so comfortable that it's almost breathtaking to the point you feel you can’t take it. And at this moment you're a part of them.”


----------



## Longtime Husband (Dec 14, 2009)

Most things in life have a MUCH simpler solution than we like to admit/think. I have told my wife that I could start a marriage counseling practice by asking, "how often do you have sex". If the answer is less than twice per week,I just tell them to FIND A WAY to get up to at least that level & stay there for at least a month....then come back for the first session. If they couldn't do that much, I'd tell them I can't help them because they aren't wiling--or able to put in the effort. If the did have sex that often, I believe most of their problems would take care of themselves.


----------



## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I am one of those women who had NO freaking idea just what I was truly missing- in being so "cluless' "thoughtless" busy, not considering just how important a frequent happening sex life could be, SHOULD BE --


And at that time you didn't WANT to know. You didn't want to change back then. 



> Truth be told, I was decently grouchy much of the time during our marraige (not all but I sure had my moments) , I likely needed LAYED more often! I really believe this -looking back.  Husband was too backwards to say "listen woman, I need it now" & just take me- throw me down & say "You are getting it tonight" and my attitude was probably a turn off to him on many occassions. <snip>Had he wresteld me to the floor, that might have been the trick, or had I been more affectionate, it would have revived him to seduce me further.


How exactly was he supposed to know that throwing you down or wrestling you to the floor was going to get you gagging for sex rather than running screaming to the police? He didn't. Sure, he might have tried, but he probably saw it as a high risk strategy - too high risk. Unless he's a mind reader, the chances of him working out that you are up for this is between small and non-existent. 




> His passivity coupled with my obsessive drive to get other things done & not being "tuned" into my own sexuality & it's power to heal was the biggest blunder in our marraige.
> 
> Sex should never be underestimated as a "Healing" to many many aspects of marraige.


The key here is that you BOTH wanted to change. He couldn't change YOU - nor you him. When you both wanted it, then it did. Until you both worked out you both wanted it he could have tried till hell froze and achieved nothing - and vice versa


----------



## mike1 (Jun 15, 2009)

I think for most people it can definitely fix many small issues and keep a good marriage strong and make it so much better and both parties happier! 

I also KNOW that sex can be healing, therapeutic and brings us closer together. When we have sex I feel automatically closer to her. It makes me think about her more and drives me to want to do anything for her. I notice it from my wife as well. Even though she is the lower drive one when we have mutually satisfying sex there's a bond that forms. When we have good sex I feel accepted and loved completely. 

Unfortunately the opposite becomes true with lack of sex when there is a high drive spouse (or normal drive for that matter), I think probably more so for men. When I don't have sex for a while, days that go turn into weeks I feel more and more distant from my wife. I don't feel close to her, I start to feel resentment and overall less happy. I feel rejected and even unloved. 

Miss-understood... maybe you are misunderstood but I think you're dead wrong and copping out. The fact is sex doesn't have to be painful or cause issues medically. There are other ways to please a spouse for example through manual stimulation (like a handjob) or a blowjob. Of course nothing replaces intercourse but if legitimate medical issues exist that cause problems with sex then a blowjob by a loving spouse shouldn't be too much to ask. 

Of course, sadly some people have been sexually abused like you say. Those people should receive the help they need and be up front with their partners about their sexual issues before the relationship gets serious. 

Not everyone is going to be into sex, some people will have hang ups about it. And if someone goes into a relationship and is up front about their hang ups and they don't do the old bait and switch then it's reasonable to expect the partner won't have high expectations for sex. If someone has stressful feelings about sex then they like you should be entitled to not be in a relationship pressured to have sex. You should make sure to inform the person you're starting a relationship of these facts so they can decide for themselves whether they want to be with you. One of the biggest problems is that the bait and switch does go on in most cases. Women start out wanting sex a lot at the beginning of a relationship and marriage then slowly that declines and declines and declines...

Now I've gotten on a tangent myself. The fact is for most people sex is a critical emotional need at the very least so in regards to the original poster - yes sex can be healing and is a very important part of a relationship. 

Just to add as another tangent, I don't know if I read it here or elsewhere but the fact is sex between a man and woman is often the one thing that distinguishes their intimate relationship from all other relationships in their lives. If it isn't for sex and that physical intimacy you might as well be roommates or siblings.


----------



## Rough Patch Sewing (Apr 18, 2011)

miss-understood said:


> Hey RPS! Hmmm, interesting questions. I definitely think it's *possible* for sex to no longer be a stress-inducer (for someone to whom it is currently a stress-inducer) - depending on the situation, though. I mean, there are soooooo many varied cases/reasons why people feel stress over it.
> 
> Would you agree with that?


I definitely, agree with that at a certain point in the continuum of a marriage relationship. What I mean is that partners in marriages should patiently bare with the other partner concerning any difficulties to be lovingly handled, including annoyance, disinterest, dysfunction, physical complications, infections, etc. I say this because a healthy marriage relationship revolves around intimacy and 4 types of love from the Greek,  Agape,  Philia,  Storge,  Eros

These forms of love make all of the definitions of intimacy work well. The definition of intimacy is not a sexual definition per-se. Intimacy is closeness, friendship, deep involvement, working together for a common cause (what ever that may be). My point is that if one partner is having any kind of trouble with physical intimacy, the loving response of the other partner is to sympathize, comfort, and help the other spouse in every way possible to help them return to the ability to have eros in the relationship. Read the links on the greek words for love and you will see how each in a relationship helps the other form of love. Some women have intense pain with intercourse, but the couple does not give up trying everything possible to return the ability to have intercourse possible.



miss-understood said:


> And I do think it's primarily women who get stressed by it. I mean, because of biology (unwanted consequence, health issues, pain).
> 
> Or just feeling like it's kind of gross or uncivilized, overall. (Not to generalize to much w/regard to male vs. female - but I've only met 2 men ever in my life who felt sex was "gross" and disgusting, and they both had the same belief that the act of eating was pretty gross, too - it seems far more common to run across women who get grossed out, I think?)
> 
> ...


Miss-understood, I think that sexual intimacy/intercourse is so important that it is worth the work and patience of both partners to lovingly find answers to making it possible in the marriage relationship. Husbands should never forget that it is the woman who has to be entered by the husband, it should not be expected in the sense that she has to have sex with him, whenever he wants it, regardless of how she feels. I look at my wife as a tender flower that with each time we have sex, needs to be gently brought to the ability to bloom and open up for sexual intimacy. I am learning that many things need to be in place for sex to be possible and pleasurable for her. I need to connect emotionally with her whenever possible, help her in the home, listen to her, love her, keep the flow spontaneous, and be assertive when approaching her for sex. Sometimes she is the one who wants it, and it does not take all that to get me ready for the experience with her. She is checked by her obstetrician, we make sure that we are clean, after sex she pees to flush out her urethra to prevent UTI, and we shower before and after sex. It is all worth it to look out for her and keep her healthy. On top of any counseling we have done and do together, all of these things insure that we are able to have a happy and healthy sex life. 
My advice to any husband is to be sensitive to her emotional and physical needs in connection to all 4 Greek classifications of love, and a lot of sexual problems can be solved. I would add that a healthy marriage that is running on all cylinders is one of mutual honoring love. To define love I have to point to  1 Corinthians 13  for the best definition because all four Greek classifications of love could use the rules of love in the passage to be the best they (all 4 Greek love words) can be.


----------



## Sporto (Jun 18, 2012)

Yes!! 95 % of problems in a marriage would not exist if you were having regular sex with your spouse. I mean why get married if you are not going to have sex with your spouse??? Is that the reason you get married, so you can be with only one person have regular sex and start a family. Otherwise what is the point????


----------



## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

Sporto said:


> Yes!! 95 % of problems in a marriage would not exist if you were having regular sex with your spouse. I mean why get married if you are not going to have sex with your spouse??? Is that the reason you get married, so you can be with only one person have regular sex and start a family. Otherwise what is the point????


That has always been my view. I've learned on this forum that the lack of desire can be complicated, but I share your view, especially when people act puzzled as to why a spouse wants frequent sex.


----------

