# I need some help here.



## retro11 (Dec 29, 2017)

I am trying to decide whether to divorce my wife. 

Facts: Married 18 years. Me 50. Wife 51. No kids. Have Pets. Both work. Live in NYC. 

We have had issues over last year. Details not important. BOTH at fault. She left for four months. Almost crushed my soul.

Counseling got us talking and back together. She moved home. 

When I was alone and suffering every day I found that the most important thing is that I love myself first. I told myself that i will be happy no matter what. 

Now that she is back there are real issues I have with her. 

One

This is bad. She thinks I am a sex addict. She also attends a weekly group for spouses of sex addicts. I have a high sex drive. She does not. I never attend to my needs until my life responsibilities have been taken care. Life and family come first. I have never exhibited compulsive behavior nor put sexual needs before anything. My therapists also agrees with me. No amount of talking will change her mind and this so insulting. I think she has shared this ridiculous idea with some friends and sisters. WTF! 

Two 

She has become VERY religious. She does not make me take part in her beliefs, but it's not her. This is a knee jerk reaction to our separation and this is not her. It's very strange. I would never make her stop. However, it does not seem sincere. Again she can do what she wants. 

Three

Since her return I have found that I can't handle many things about her. Personal habits --- She is really messy and I am a Type A neat freak. How we run our finances --- We have issues and she is not serious about them. All these things I ignored when we were together for years. They were not important in the big picture, but now that picture frame is broken and I am not sure I can take these things. 

There were other things happening before. She lied and told others that I was violent as an excuse to move out. I have never raised a hand to her ever. She has retracted this and apologized. There were other very hurtful things as well. 

I am beaten down and both cheeks are sore. She wants to renew our marriage and move forward and I am suppose to accept these issues? We don't argue anymore. I don't have the strength for it. We just do our own things when they don't connect. 

Now I need to say this. She is a really great person. She is my best friend. We own a house together have pets that we adore. I could spend the rest of my life with her. 

If we get divorced I am not sure how emotionally and mentally stable she will be. However I am worried that 10 years from now I might hate myself for staying. Leaving my pets will kill me. Sharing them would be so problematic. 

There are days I wish she was just a mean, cheating person and this would be easy. It's not. 

I really need some help here. Ladies especially. I want to hear all sides. I appreciate your help. Thank you.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Personally I’d be out of there for these reasons:

1. Lying to others about you being violent
2. Labeling you derogatorily as a sex addict (is she a prude or is this a flimsy defense to cover up her own low drive?)
3. Impulsive religious conversion
4. Being a slob

Numbers 1 & 2 go to the very heart of betrayal of trust in marriage. Number 3 is a complete personality change. Number 4 is just annoying as hell.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Is your W experiencing the change of life? Menopause.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Sounds like a life of misery. Divorce her and look for a hot woman in her 40's that isn't a religious nut that can handle your sex drive. You're still young!

How much did you work on yourself? Are you n amazing shape? Do you have confidence?


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## Suspicious1 (Nov 19, 2017)

The beating your W accusations are horrible. No matter how many times she'll apologize and tell others she made that up, I highly doubt anyone would ever believe her new story. 
That's a tough one for sure, who's to say if she said this to shut the door on the marriage initially, and not to look back.

I hate messes and cutter, I would stay with barely any possession to live in minimalist apartment. My wife is a hoarder in training especially with two kids, she wants to keep every little item they own. We have a discussion every other day but she tries to do something about, you know NYC living :frown2:

You have no kids, I get the pets being tough to live without me being a dog lover.
But it's definitely a lot easier to move on believe me.

It sounds she completely is a new person, or you have realized she's has annoying habits you're not dealing with too well since getting back together.
I think this is nature's way of saying you're done, I personally believe it's going to be unbearing to handle in the near future.

Good luck


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

retro11 said:


> I am trying to decide whether to divorce my wife.
> 
> Facts: Married 18 years. Me 50. Wife 51. No kids. Have Pets. Both work. Live in NYC.
> 
> ...


You've settled for what? What's this type of life getting you?


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

You know you beed to mave on.

Be true to thyne own self.

Good luck


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

The devil's advocate department is asking for a quantification of the drives. We talking 3 times a week vs 3 times a day mismatch or a 3 times a week vs 3 times a year mismatch?


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

She has told people you have physically abused her.

She is currently telling people you are a sex addict. 

These are methods to control you, and force you to adhere to her dogma. You can cave in and be her happy little sexless servant to take care of her, or take the heat now and hopefully end up with a reasonable life. 

She will make up more slander against you when you tell her you won’t accept life as she envisions the future. When you threaten her comfortable support, the money you give her, be prepared to suffer.

Personally I think escaping her is worth the short term shock. 

God bless and good luck


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## Honda750 (Feb 12, 2015)

WilliamM said:


> She has told people you have physically abused her.
> 
> She is currently telling people you are a sex addict.
> 
> ...


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Your wife does not have your back. If she did she would not be spreading viscous lies about you. I don't know what her religion is, but I hope she's not claiming Christianity, because that's not a Christian attitude. The main thing we should notice about true Christians is a loving attitude towards all, but not an enabling attitude.

I don't know why you would want to spend the rest of your life with someone who not only doesn't meet your needs, but instead blows them out of proportion and lies about them. She has also lied about you to make herself look good. That's despicable. She may have apologized about her calling you a violent abuser, but she continues to lie about you, so she really hasn't repented.

It appears that you are married to a dangerous woman who steals your peace of mind. It seems really unhealthy that you would want to spend the rest of your life with someone who has these unresolved issues.

I wonder if you are worried that you won't be able to find someone who you can be happy with and are settling for someone who thinks your needs are perverse.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Many people do become Christians when they go through bad times, nothing wrong with that, and many such conversions are genuine and last. 
Can you be honest and say the reasons why she says you are a sex addict? Do you use porn regularly? How often? What other reasons are there?
Most posters here are assuming its just because she doesn't want sex as often as you, there may well be far more to it than that. Some men do almost seem to have a sex addiction. but we need to know. 

Many here will give terrible advise, such as dump her and find a younger model. That sort of advise makes me sick. Marriage isn't to be thrown away like a piece of rubbish and nor is your wife. Depending on the sort of man you are, you can stay, be responsible, keep your marriage vows and work on the marriage together, or you can throw it all away like most would do.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Diana7 said:


> Many people do become Christians when they go through bad times, nothing wrong with that, and many such conversions are genuine and last.
> Can you be honest and say the reasons why she says you are a sex addict? Do you use porn regularly? How often? What other reasons are there?
> Most posters here are assuming its just because she doesn't want sex as often as you, there may well be far more to it than that. Some men do almost seem to have a sex addiction. but we need to know.
> 
> Many here will give terrible advise, such as dump her and find a younger model. That sort of advise makes me sick. *Marriage isn't to be thrown away like a piece of rubbish and nor is your wife.* Depending on the sort of man you are, you can stay, be responsible, keep your marriage vows and work on the marriage together, or you can throw it all away like most would do.


People do get divorced. 

You did. For good reasons.

Each has their own defining reasons. 
Good for them? One would hope.

A marriage without intimacy is General Gordon without an army, 
Abandoned during The Siege of Khartoum.
His back to the wall, left to his own devices, he was doomed.

Take sex away from a virile man, you take away the man.
Leaving the remainder, a shell of a eunuch.

Early fifties is too early for a man to put away his pistol.
Without his pistol, he has no armament, no army to protect him.
To hold off the shame of aging.

So easy, this....
For a women to say...
"What is wrong with you?".

Rather than allowing him to plant his flag and fight another day.

I carry two pistols, I conceal carry. I carry one with 8 cartridges.

The other? One shot, one kill.

By God, if I never pull out that single shot dare-her-inger.
I want it to be ready. I do not want to be taken out without firing a shot....
And giving a shout.....Hoohah!

Some women just do not get it.....
No, I said that wrong...said it opposite.

SunCMars-


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

CynthiaDe said:


> Your wife does not have your back. If she did she would not be spreading viscous lies about you. I don't know what her religion is, but I hope she's not claiming Christianity, because that's not a Christian attitude. The main thing we should notice about true Christians is a loving attitude towards all, but not an enabling attitude.
> 
> I don't know why you would want to spend the rest of your life with someone who not only doesn't meet your needs, but instead blows them out of proportion and lies about them. She has also lied about you to make herself look good. That's despicable. She may have apologized about her calling you a violent abuser, but she continues to lie about you, so she really hasn't repented.
> 
> ...


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## VibrantWings (Sep 8, 2017)

1. Lying to others at your expense to make you look bad and herself look like a victim....that's driving the bus she threw you under. Yeah, that would definitely leave a bad taste in my mouth, too. You said she apologized to you....but did she set the record straight among family and friends? It is NOT okay for her not to make amends for that.....you didn't do it so you don't deserve it or the stigma that goes with it.

2. She's going around telling friends and family about a "sexual problem" you two are having? I can't help but think she wouldn't much care for you going to your friends and family calling her a cold fish that cannot satisfy your needs. 
Whatever the sex problems are between the two of you are....that's where it should stay...between the two of you and not public knowledge. 

3. The religious thing? Sounds to me like it's the same as number one- wanting to feel superior/justified about something. 

It's obviously bothering you enough to consider a permanent split....and your reasoning is sound. These aren't things to be swept under the rug. People in marriages change, hence, the marriage dynamics change, too. However this seems like a betrayal/lack of trust that hasn't been resolved. Her finding religion is one thing....putting you down to others is a different ballgame. 

Perhaps try to address the issues with her again....as the other half of your marriage she is worth/deserves that honesty. Make your decisions afterwards...?


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## retro11 (Dec 29, 2017)

CynthiaDe said:


> Your wife does not have your back. If she did she would not be spreading viscous lies about you. I don't know what her religion is, but I hope she's not claiming Christianity, because that's not a Christian attitude. The main thing we should notice about true Christians is a loving attitude towards all, but not an enabling attitude.
> 
> I don't know why you would want to spend the rest of your life with someone who not only doesn't meet your needs, but instead blows them out of proportion and lies about them. She has also lied about you to make herself look good. That's despicable.
> 
> ...


////

>>>>
That is a strong possibility. I am attractive and look good for my age I am told, but perhaps lack the confidence. I do fear she will spin out of control. 
>>>>


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## sandcastle (Sep 5, 2014)

What happened for the 4 months you were separated?

Did she spin out of control as in what?

Clearly the woman does not hold you in high regards, others have told you are attractive - but the dogs... Ya know, the dogs. Or Cats or both.

Good thing they are not humans.

Just pony up, divorce, get 50/50 on the dogs and go be with someone other than the one who apparently is slandering/ libeling you and won't have sex with you.


This is a GIANT no- brainer.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

It's already been stated but I'll rephrase.

Your wife has zero love and respect for you. No one who purports to love you also character assasinates you behind your back to family. That is irreparable damage done to you in the eyes of others.

Also, the fact that you do not agree with her levels of devotion is a serious and often ignored core value difference. Her opinions are not based upon the same values as yours - they cannot be. This will continue to be a point of contention between you unless you decide to embrace religion in the same manner.

I left my first marriage and two pets that were MINE and that I adored. It was going to be more stressful on them to bring them with me, so for their good I left them with my ex on the condition that they'd be very well treated. Then I got other pets and after time, I thought about my first ones less and less. Now they are just a distant memory.

Sex is the glue that holds couples together, IMO. If your partner uses your sexual energy as a means of demeaning or shaming you, or making you feel crazy or abnormal, then again, this person a.) doesn't love or respect you and b.) will never accept your sexual energy as a normal part of you. It will always be "weird and wrong." Go find a woman who accepts you as you are and can also explore her sexual energy without toxic shame.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Satya said:


> It's already been stated but I'll rephrase.
> 
> Your wife has zero love and respect for you. No one who purports to love you also character assassinates you behind your back to family. That is irreparable damage done to you in the eyes of others.
> 
> ...


Stop the talk..
The bolded, the bold talk above.

Lest I go crazier than I already am.

Where were these women, Thou?
When SunCMars was on the hunt?

When this OP was in need?


The Typist-
I am a 'Latter Day Saint', not in religion, no, in SCM.
I entered his head when a vacuum ensued. Sucked into the void.
Now I and others, OP, are in the same vacuum.

One partner high desire, the other little or no desire, now undesired, undesirable. 

Is this...opposites attract?
Oh, God, opposites soon, repel, destroy each other.

Marry *yourself, kiss your own image. The key to happiness.

*Mind and spirit...not in flesh.


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## Rhubarb (Dec 1, 2017)

retro11 said:


> She thinks I am a sex addict. She also attends a weekly group for spouses of sex addicts.


This one IS pretty bad. Thinking you're a sex addict is one thing, but when you advertise it to the world by going to group sessions that would be too much for me.



retro11 said:


> She lied and told others that I was violent as an excuse to move out. I have never raised a hand to her ever. She has retracted this and apologized.


And this one is the kicker. IMO someone that would do this is one step away from filing a false accusation with the police.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

retro11 said:


> Now I need to say this. She is a really great person. She is my best friend. We own a house together have pets that we adore. I could spend the rest of my life with her.
> 
> We have a different definition of 'great' then.
> 
> ...


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

It's clearly time to divorce her, for all the reasons others have given. If you do, I urge you to protect yourself against false accusations by placing hidden cameras in your home, and carry a VAR (voice activated recorder) with you whenever you are alone with her at home, especially when you tell her of your decision. Research the laws on recording where you live, as you could get in more trouble if not done carefully. Cameras in your home (no sound) are usually fine. Perhaps get an amazon DOT with Alexa, so if she starts something, just say "Alexa" and most of what is then said will be recorded legally.


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## retro11 (Dec 29, 2017)

Yeswecan said:


> Is your W experiencing the change of life? Menopause.


No. Past that. Sexual desire about the same before and after.


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## retro11 (Dec 29, 2017)

GuyInColorado said:


> Sounds like a life of misery. Divorce her and look for a hot woman in her 40's that isn't a religious nut that can handle your sex drive. You're still young!
> 
> How much did you work on yourself? Are you n amazing shape? Do you have confidence?


Look good I am told. Much better shape. Far from perfect. Working on myself every day! Confidence? Yes I have that. 

:frown2: Full of worry of how she will handle the end of the marriage if I decide to leave. I do care.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

OP. Reading between the lines it seems that you would like to end the relationship, but you just don't have the cojones to do it. So why bother thinking about it?


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

retro11 said:


> That is a strong possibility. I am attractive and look good for my age I am told, but perhaps lack the confidence. I do fear she will spin out of control.


I'm glad you care about what happens to her, but her choices are not in your control. If you are probably going to stay, the issues have got to be addressed and resolved. You have a perfect opportunity now to make that a hard boundary in order to stay. Doing some serious reading about healthy marriages together and starting marriage counseling could be of great benefit for you. She is will also need to address what caused her to think that lying about you and besmirching your name were appropriate choices.
For a marriage to be healthy, both parties need to be working together and have each other's backs, otherwise it's a couple of disconnected people living together.


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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

If I were to take everything at face value I'd say that you should not be in a relationship with someone who lies about you and makes things up about your character.

But I just can't shake the feeling there's a lot hiding in this statement:


> We have had issues over last year. Details not important. BOTH at fault.


(the details are almost always important)

Hey, it's the internet. You're not required to share with us more than you want to. I'm just saying that I think there's a lot going on that would help explain things a lot better- and perhaps help us to understand and give more pointed advice.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

My brother's wife got cancer and beat it. But once she beat it, everything changed. She needed more, she deserved more. She cheated with her long lost bf. She had moved out of my brother's bed 8 years earlier. He was devastated for a long time. And then he moved on and started attending meet and greets. Met a wonderful woman, a widow, with a family and grandkids (he and ex never had kids), and now he's happier than he's ever been.

Gotta say, though, that if you were even partially at fault for whatever issues caused you to split up, if you're not looking at that and doing something about it, well, if she were here, we might be giving HER advice to move on.


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## retro11 (Dec 29, 2017)

Yeswecan said:


> Is your W experiencing the change of life? Menopause.


No. Past that.


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## retro11 (Dec 29, 2017)

Yeswecan said:


> Is your W experiencing the change of life? Menopause.


No. Past that.


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## retro11 (Dec 29, 2017)

TBH she deserves more of the blame, but I am being honorable and accepting 50%. However, telling people I was not safe to be with and the sex addict nonsense just makes me question EVERYTHING.


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## retro11 (Dec 29, 2017)

Suspicious1 said:


> The beating your W accusations are horrible. No matter how many times she'll apologize and tell others she made that up, I highly doubt anyone would ever believe her new story.
> That's a tough one for sure, who's to say if she said this to shut the door on the marriage initially, and not to look back.
> 
> >>>>
> ...


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## retro11 (Dec 29, 2017)

VibrantWings said:


> 1. Lying to others at your expense to make you look bad and herself look like a victim....that's driving the bus she threw you under. Yeah, that would definitely leave a bad taste in my mouth, too. You said she apologized to you....but did she set the record straight among family and friends? It is NOT okay for her not to make amends for that.....you didn't do it so you don't deserve it or the stigma that goes with it.
> 
> >>>
> First. Thanks for your thoughts.
> ...


>>>>
I will try to sit down with her to explain most of my feelings. We are going out of town to the mountains in a few weeks. 

I don't think there is any changing her mind and tbh I DON'T WANT TO CHANGE HER MIND. Why is it on ME to change her mind? Shouldn't she KNOW the truth of me? I have to convince her I am not a sex addict but I do have needs that are real and to be respected? WTF. 

Here's a question for everyone:

AM I STILL IN LOVE WITH MY WIFE? 

In some ways I just want to say this is not working anymore. No need to go into the facts so we don't have to hurt each other's feelings. Why make the end of the marriage a car wreck with flames and injuries?


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## retro11 (Dec 29, 2017)

I wonder if you are worried that you won't be able to find someone who you can be happy with and are settling for someone who thinks your needs are perverse.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
I am afraid of what will happen if my marriage implodes. I will be fine. I worry about collateral damage. 
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

retro11 said:


> Look good I am told. Much better shape. Far from perfect. Working on myself every day! Confidence? Yes I have that.
> 
> :frown2: Full of worry of how she will handle the end of the marriage if I decide to leave. I do care.


All good people do care about the person they have been with. 

Your wife has put you in a no win situation. Wounds will heal.


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## retro11 (Dec 29, 2017)

CynthiaDe said:


> Your wife does not have your back. If she did she would not be spreading viscous lies about you. I don't know what her religion is, but I hope she's not claiming Christianity, because that's not a Christian attitude. The main thing we should notice about true Christians is a loving attitude towards all, but not an enabling attitude.
> 
> I don't know why you would want to spend the rest of your life with someone who not only doesn't meet your needs, but instead blows them out of proportion and lies about them. She has also lied about you to make herself look good. That's despicable. She may have apologized about her calling you a violent abuser, but she continues to lie about you, so she really hasn't repented.
> 
> ...


I do have those fears.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

No way I could remain in marriage with someone that had been spreading lies about me.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

retro11 said:


> I do have those fears.


Those fears are well founded, but rather than live in fear, it is a personal responsibility to do something about it. Staying with someone who has betrayed you and continues to do so is a dangerous place to be in.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

GusPolinski said:


> No way I could remain in marriage with someone that had been spreading lies about me.


Seriously. You shouldn't even be FRIENDS with someone who spreads lies about you. With friends like that...


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

GusPolinski said:


> *No way I could remain in marriage with someone that had been spreading lies about me.*


 That would be the bottomline, end of discussion.
p.s. ... and I get the dogs because of it.


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