# what did I do wrong



## marriedandlonely (Nov 7, 2011)

Have been married 41 years to an adopted lady who wanted kids ASAP and now have family of two daughters (after losing the first baby) that are now grown up and have families of their own
My wife never was a sex person and when asked it always seemed a problem (hurry up and get it over with)
Even with coffee and breakfast in bed before I'd leave for work and very considerate as far as the act went with multiple org when I was allowed it never seemed to change
Around about the thirty year mark the sex all but dried up completely , with the offer of having my bones rattled if I had a spare $50 occasionally
The last seven years have been WITHOUT and I am still wondering where it fell apart,she has had my full pension to spend (she likes shopping) to see if that made a difference , but no 
About 4yrs ago she had been shopping all day and came home to a cooked meal and was talking about a diet ,as she walked over to get a second helping (as I thought the weight thing may have been the reason) I asked her if she thought she needed the second helping to go to bed on(my exact words)
and now get the response why would I have sex with you you called me fat(but won't say what the reason was before that episode
Around the same time in desperation I asked her if she thought it was any sense in seeing if her sexual preferances were other than hetro as she has a half brother who is quite effeminate and has never married and a sister who is gay and wondered if her being a religious person she had maybe suppressed her true feelings(her half brother quipped in an email that he thought she liked women),and has had suggestive grimaces from very butch women 
I have posted this in the womens lounge as I'm very quickly getting to the point of depression it seems I'm good enough to fix the things that break do the cooking put a cupboard together or get extra $s from but am so disillusioned by the whole thing to the point of wondering if there is still any embers still there so am after a womens prospective 
PS there is a bit more of the story but that is it in short


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

So she's about 60-70? I assume she went through menopause? Have you discussed the aftereffects of that? Or is this purely emotional, that she doesn't want SF?


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

marriedandlonely said:


> Around about the thirty year mark the sex all but dried up completely , with the offer of having my bones rattled if I had a spare $50 occasionally


Did I read that right? She occasionally offered sex if you'd PAY her for it?

That would do a number on my libido, at least my desire for her specifically, that's for sure.


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## marriedandlonely (Nov 7, 2011)

Yes turnera she has been through mennopause that started at about 40 but the sex avoidance thing has been going on since after the kids were born she has said in the past that she enjoyed occasion when we got to it but has stated of late infront of her best friend who suggested that a little hankypanky was needed and the reply was( it aint gonna happen)
wonder what the ladies think about MOTHERS messages to their daughters that sex is a bad thing that will get you pregnant and the possibilities of it becoming ingrained in a womans mind


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

What is it with these posts where the wife has no sexual interest but somehow has multiple orgasms?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Hello, marriedandlonely,

Since I am a male, I won't offer my thoughts to you. That said, I wish you well and hope you find what you are looking for.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Has she had a bad past when it comes to sex? I wasn't abused, but I had a really severe set of teen years where my brother tried to be my father and shame me into not having sex, and I did it anyway, and the boys were all users, so I grew up with an absolutely HORRIBLE feeling about sex, so much that I dread it each and every time, unless I've had something to drink.


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## Sunburn (Jul 9, 2012)

Let's see, you are in your 60's??

To be very blunt.......... you are on the downhill side of life, the clock is tickin', and the sex in your marriage isn't going to get any better. You can stay in it and yearn for the touch of a loving and passionate woman or you can maintain status quo.


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## marriedandlonely (Nov 7, 2011)

turnera if that is the case she has never mentioned it in the past but had a very religious mother that gave her the YOU'LL END UP PREGNANT OR CATCH AN STD thing through her teens but I think that a lot of girls had that through the 60-70s was just after the sexual freedom era so unless she has kept it hidden for forty odd years I can't say yes or no to that suggestion


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## marriedandlonely (Nov 7, 2011)

lifeistooshort said:


> What is it with these posts where the wife has no sexual interest but somehow has multiple orgasms?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The word is HAD not" has"


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

marriedandlonely said:


> The last seven years have been WITHOUT and I am still wondering where it fell apart,she has had my full pension to spend (she likes shopping) to see if that made a difference , but no


Marriedandlonely,

Letting a woman spend your money shopping; won't make her desire sex with you.

It doesn't make sense that she had multiple orgasms during sex in the past - but doesn't want to have sex _at all_ anymore. If it was good in the past; she would probably want to find ways to still enjoy it now.

I am sorry you are feeling this loss and emptiness in your married life. 

Have you ever come right out and bluntly asked her/told her: "I need to have sex still; somehow, someway. I don't want to go without it."?


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

marriedandlonely said:


> wonder what the ladies think about MOTHERS messages to their daughters that sex is a bad thing that will get you pregnant and the possibilities of it becoming ingrained in a womans mind



Married,

That attitude does damage, I'm sure.

I had the opposite experience. My mother "showed off" her sexuality constantly. I knew all about where babies came from, menstruation etc. at around 8 or 9 years old - my mother just decided to tell me, I didn't have any curiosity at that point. My mother also liked to walk around the house naked, for example ---and brag to us all about how many guys at work found her attractive (my stepdad would sit in silence). That had the effect of making sex seem really unappealing to me; even though I was always having crushes on guys when I got old enough.

A happy medium is probably the best.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

Take her to Marriage Help Program For Couples and pay attention to what works on the weekend. What works is listening, understanding, sharing with transparency, emotional connection.

What doesn't work is cooking for her or money. The way you describe that, you may be coming across as weak/doormat (speaking as a recovering doormat myself).


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

you have been putting up with this for 41 years!

don't think is going to change.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

WHY do you keep kissing her ass and rewarding her for treating you like crap all these years?


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## earlyforties (May 3, 2012)

Sunburn said:


> Let's see, you are in your 60's??
> 
> ...You can stay in it and yearn for the touch of a loving and passionate woman or you can maintain status quo.


not saying it's the right option but there is a third option.. 'or you can leave'


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## earlyforties (May 3, 2012)

In a way 'you' didn't really do anything wrong. You and your wife were born and grew up at a time when attitudes to sex and relationships were very different to now. I imagine there was little questioning and lots of 'putting up' with. 

There was nothing like TAM or the internet to find out what goes on in other peoples minds and bedrooms. That is a huge change because it is allows us to get informed and educated about things which were taboo - or simply didn't exist in writing. If (you don't say but it might be the case) you also come from a family where no sex/relationship education is passed down form your father combined with her being adopted and she may have little reference to what it is to be a woman, from where I am it is likely there's going to be problems along the way.

But the closed mind of one person in the relationship, not wanting to face up to their own deep rooted problems seems to cause more general problems in the relationship and it just goes on and on and on. (slight projection acknowledged)

The approach to discussing your problem shouldn't be determined by your age. If she continues to be dissinterested in your dissatisfaction then I would suggest considering moves to separate so you can first find happiness on your own (yes, it might seem impossible but look at your life now) and maybe even with another woman who feels the need for someone like you.

From what you write she's treated you very badly and does not respect you. I'm sure you deserve better.


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## marriedandlonely (Nov 7, 2011)

3Xnocharm said:


> WHY do you keep kissing her ass and rewarding her for treating you like crap all these years?


3xnocharm:- I have wondered if I have overlooked a reason for the treatment I'm getting as people say we don't see our own mistakes one reason why I've joined this forum and I have BEEN ON THE BANDWAGON in regard to bankcard debt (hers) over the years,but I do get feedback from family and friends that it isn't my fault but the the big DIV is a huge step 
Was into me while I WAS cooking tonight when I said NO to EXTRA $'s for a trip that been known about for 12 mths but anyhow is it more lonely with or without company even bad company
And I wonder her coming from a mother that gave her children away (6)and me from a large family with an abusive (physical) father


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Have you tried living on your own?


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## marriedandlonely (Nov 7, 2011)

turnera said:


> Have you tried living on your own?


living on my own? about four weeks is my longest stint to date and do find a different atmosphere when she returns 
She is always threatening to leave and would if she was financially independent .As I said though I can still not see the reason we've had our disagreements but no more than anyone else 
But thank you all for your advice and thoughts its good to talk about these things but when it comes to the crunch its between the two of us


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

We don't know why she won't have sex but one thing I could see from your posts is that her attitude is very much set in stone about it. She seems to have made it quite clear that she isn't interested in having sex with you and never will be. Obviously she doesn't see it as a necessity in your marriage, she doesn't even acknowledge it as a need for you.

Another thing I see is that you've linked sex to money and chores and doing things for her. Nothing you do for her will make her suddenly want sex. There'll always be a reason for her not to, no matter what you do. She actively has to *want* to start meeting your needs. She has to *want* for you to be happy in the marriage. It's as simple as that. At the moment, you're just part of the furniture.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

marriedandlonely said:


> The word is HAD not" has"


Ok, fair enough. I've just seen a lot of posts from various guys that claim their wife is multi orgasmic but has no interest in sex, and this does not compute. I mean, who wouldn't be interested in sex if they're having all these orgasms? Maybe if she can't enjoy it anymore it's hard to get excited?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Unless you're committed to staying regardless of sexual neglect and blatant disrespect, why not divorce? If you're in decent health and look halfway good, at this age there are far more good available women than viable men, so you can find someone who will rock your world and be a good companion as you age. The REST of your life is too short to waste.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

marriedandlonely said:


> l
> She is always threatening to leave and would if she was financially independent .As I said though I can still not see the reason we've had our disagreements but no more than anyone else


Women need to feel emotionally connected to be interested in sex.

Seriously, take her to Retrouvaille and pay attention to how you kindle her fire. If you DON'T kindle her fire on that weekend, it's hopeless. 

Women (plural) need the emotional connection. You will be taking yourself with you into any future relationship and if you are unable to connect emotionally, this pattern is likely to repeat once the new relationship bliss wears off.


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