# Wife moved out (she needs space but says she loves me?)



## Canada75 (Jan 15, 2017)

My wife moved out 2 months ago into a condo she bought.(small inheritance..her mom died 3 years ago) She said she needed space and wasn't sure why she needed it...she just wanted to be alone. We have a child together and he likes having two places to stay but it is tough on him. We don't fight and talk daily. After reading all the things not to do after one's spouse leaves (i.e crying in front of her, writing letters of love, long texts etc) I have given her the space she wanted....although I said her the odd email or text about what she means to me. She said there isn't anyone else and that she just needed to get away from everything and felt overwhelmed. I have asked her to see a marriage councilor but she hates talking to people about her problems and has refused. I just started reading about "The 180" and find it hard to do because I see her almost daily and talk to her everyday as our child needs someone around before and after school. We have no set schedule as our jobs don't allow it so my son stays here some days and at my wife's other days. She doesn't ever really invite me over to her place (she says its because she knows it upsets me) which I suppose it does because she went from an inflatable mattress on the floor to having it semi furnished in those 2 months (i.e bedroom set for her and my son, couch, t.v..etc). I invite her over for dinner whenever it works out, so she eats at the house a few nights a week. We spent Christmas together and I showered her with presents, but nothing romantic or very expensive, just small stuff I knew she wanted. 
So, back to the 180. How do I not come off looking cold or disinterested when I see her all the time? She knows I am lonely without her as I have told her as much a few times while feeling really down which she tells me kills her cause she doesn't mean to hurt me. We have always been each others best friend and have never really been overly social outside of our relationship. We have had our ups and downs in our relationship but I never saw this coming.....a month before she left we were looking for a bigger house to buy. 
I miss her terribly and have been very understanding and patient through this process and told her I loved her and I would be here whenever she needed me...and have been when she becomes down or whatever. Some days I get the vibe she misses me and other days she is very cold. She has dealt with depression throughout her life so I am just still trying to help. Not sure if there was a question in there, but just was wondering if anyone else had some advice for me. 
I have tried to get myself right and improve while she has been away...joined a gym, stopped drinking(never an issue), working on quiting smoking. I have kept our house spotless as it keeps me busy and I know she likes a clean house...But the emptiness I feel is sometimes overwhelming. I figured she is having a mid life crisis(early 40's) but I just don't know where to begin with this. She has not moved much out of the house, just what she needs, half her clothes, toiletries, jewelry....etc. We really can't afford 2 places but are getting by. We still have a joint account which our pay cheques go into and still use each others work benefits. Anyone have any experiences like this and could give me some advice it would really help.thx


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Sounds like she is breaking away from you slowly. My advice is to divorce her. She has abandon the marriage whether or not she admits it. You can't nice her back. That never works, it just makes you seem weak to her like a puppy dog. 

Finally I hate to brake it to you but in situations like this there is usually another man/woman. Might be time to do some digging.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

When a woman says she needs space........
Just google it.

Has she given you the "I love you but I'm not in love with you speech"?

She will never miss what she knows she owns. I believe you need to put distance between you and her.
I don't know what's going on, but I do know that every man that has been cheated on has been told "there's no one else", so her saying that is worth zero.

She may have just fell out of love with you (unlikely).
Either way, you realize you are being strung along and it will continue to happen as long as you let it, while you are deprived of love, companionship, and physical affection.
I would ask her to give you a time frame for moving home, or filing for divorce. It is totally unfair of her to do this to you, and unfair for you to do this to yourself.

Please see a lawyer and find out what your rights are.
Dig into your phone bill.
Get a time frame for moving in together or moving on.
I'm sorry, but this is all you can do.
Trying to win them back basically doesn't work. Whatever the reason they decide they don't love you.


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## ulyssesheart (Jan 7, 2017)

Being nice has not worked. has it?

Now is the time to be cool, business-like and to be busy. You need to detach from her. No more dinners at your place. Help out with the your child as much as is needed and is proper.
Be tight lipped. Do not offer any information on your activities. Do not be mean, be mute. This is all in the 180. Do not answer your phone or texts, unless it involves your child. 
If she complains, tell her you need space. When you do see her, be dressed up, well groomed, clean shaven and smelling good.

Soon the other posters on here will suggest strongly that she has a lover. Prove them wrong by doing a covert investigation. That is, if you care.


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## Canada75 (Jan 15, 2017)

sokillme said:


> Sounds like she is breaking away from you slowly. My advice is to divorce her. She has abandon the marriage whether or not she admits it. You can't nice her back. That never works, it just makes you seem weak to her like a puppy dog.
> 
> Finally I hate to brake it to you but in situations like this there is usually another man/woman. Might be time to do some digging.


Yes it feels like a very slow break up, but the second I stop being nice I know that it will give her solace in what she is doing. I love her so much, I would have her back when she is ready. I understand there may be another man but she swears there isn't and that she is so screwed up in the head at the moment that that is the last thing she would need in her life. When she left she told me to have faith and that she just needed some time. She said and I quote "I need to leave the marriage to save the marriage". I totally thought there was another man but the only reason I stopped (or sometimes stop) thinking that is she put the place she bought in both our names. Anyone that is leaving her marriage for another man wouldn't sign a mortgage with the husband she was planning to leave for someone else. Everyone told her to just use her name but she insisted that we buy it together and if later on down the road we got back together we would use it as an investment property.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Separate the bank accounts. Separate the finances. Start figuring it as if you are permanently separated. When a person moves out of a marriage, they do so with the risk of not receiving any more financial support, unless ordered by the courts. Basically, since she moved out she should be paying her own way. You pay your home bills, she pays hers. Since some bills are probably for both of you such as insurance and phone...whoever is the payer should get half the money from the other. She should pay her own way now. You are not living as a couple, she doesn't want to be a couple, you shouldn't mingle the money as a couple. Time to think about UNcoupling.

Pack up her stuff at the house.....you can store it in the garage or offer it to her, but you don't have to live as if she is going to walk back in at any minute. (I would physically pack it up and take it to her. Tell her that she forgot a few things. Not to be mean, but to not LIVE with all her stuff when she doesn't want to live there) *Actually, on second thought....I'd just pack it all up (and by pack it up I mean dump it in boxes and trash bags) and store it in the garage and not say anything to her. You don't have to explain things anymore. When she sees that you've changed things, you just shrug and say that she doesn't live here now.

I painted a huge mural on my bedroom wall when my ex walked out. He asked about it once and I told him, you don't live here so I'm just doing it how I want. Period. Nothing he could say about that.

Pack up wedding pictures, couple pictures (you can put a few in son's room) , knick knacks, anything with flowers on it, etc.... you can put a few in son's room. 

Rearrange the furniture... make it to your liking. It's more about taking control of what you can. Making the space YOURS.

Paint the bedroom in your favorite color. Get new bedding if you can. Pack away all her toiletries and hair stuff. USE her half of the closet, even if you just spread your clothes out. 

See an attorney, find out what the deal is regarding divorce, separation, child visitation, custody, etc.... do your homework so at least you are prepared mentally. 

The point is.... that since she moved out, you should make your place YOURS. Not to be mean, but it does send a message to her that you are not pining away, waiting with baited breath for her to come home. Even if you are.... you have to start thinking like a single dad who shares custody.


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## Canada75 (Jan 15, 2017)

Yes it feels like a very slow break up, but the second I stop being nice I know that it will give her solace in what she is doing. I love her so much, I would have her back when she is ready. I understand there may be another man but she swears there isn't and that she is so screwed up in the head at the moment that that is the last thing she would need in her life. When she left she told me to have faith and that she just needed some time. She said and I quote "I need to leave the marriage to save the marriage". I totally thought there was another man but the only reason I stopped (or sometimes stop) thinking that is she put the place she bought in both our names. Anyone that is leaving her marriage for another man wouldn't sign a mortgage with the husband she was planning to leave for someone else. Everyone told her to just use her name but she insisted that we buy it together and if later on down the road we got back together we would use it as an investment property.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Canada75 said:


> Yes it feels like a very slow break up, but the second I stop being nice I know that it will give her solace in what she is doing. I love her so much, I would have her back when she is ready. I understand there may be another man but she swears there isn't and that she is so screwed up in the head at the moment that that is the last thing she would need in her life. When she left she told me to have faith and that she just needed some time. She said and I quote "I need to leave the marriage to save the marriage". I totally thought there was another man but the only reason I stopped (or sometimes stop) thinking that is she put the place she bought in both our names. Anyone that is leaving her marriage for another man wouldn't sign a mortgage with the husband she was planning to leave for someone else. Everyone told her to just use her name but she insisted that we buy it together and if later on down the road we got back together we would use it as an investment property.


They all swear there isn't another man. You would be shocked at the kind of crap cheaters do. I bet it was a lot easier to get a mortgage with your name on it then without. And a lot quicker. Just show up one night when she is not expecting you. Anyway even if there isn't another man, living in an apartment alone there soon will be. Who is taking care of the child this whole time, just you? 

Anyway does it even matter. She has abandoned you and your child. She needs to leave the marriage to save it? What crap. Tell her you need to divorce to protect it. Love is not enough dude. And the great thing about love is with time you can love someone else. 

Seriously, give your wife her come to Jesus moment. Right now you are enabling her dysfunction, and what you have is not a marriage, its a single woman and a babysitter.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

If she is depressive, she may think she doesn't love you anymore. It is probably not true, but if her depression is not being treated, she feels what she feels and no one is going to change that. I'm sorry, but you don't leave a marriage to save a marriage. You work on the marriage with professional help to save it. 

Her thinking is muddled probably due to the depression. It's an illness you can't win if she has already decided that her feelings or lack of them are real and you are out. 

Tell her that you can't give her anymore months of limbo. Limbo is hell and very unfair for the partner that doesn't want separation. That if she truly wants to save the marriage, then she needs to accept that this is something you also need. 

If you keep doing what you are doing, you are just prolonging the inevitable. Be honest with her and let her know that unless your two seek professional help to save the marriage, you will not accept her logic because it goes against your desires and your desires and needs count in this marriage too. Do NOT let your needs go unfulfilled any longer! 

Either she accepts getting help, or you need to be set free in order to get your needs met too. Her leaving the marriage is a sure remedy for ending up divorced and not the stupidity she thinks this separation is doing. Treat her decision like the way you would treat this decision made by anyone else going through an illness like depression. They don't think straight, their illness interferes with reality.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

sokillme said:


> Sounds like she is breaking away from you slowly. My advice is to divorce her. She has abandon the marriage whether or not she admits it. You can't nice her back. That never works, it just makes you seem weak to her like a puppy dog.
> 
> Finally I hate to brake it to you but in situations like this there is usually another man/woman. Might be time to do some digging.


*In addition to this, you might be better served if you were to hire yourself a good PI. You also need to get with a good "piranha" family attorney to fully advise you on matters of child custody as well as property rights and division!

Sorry to say, but there doesn't appear to be anything positive that can possibly emanate from this "trial separation" that she has burdensomely imposed upon you!

Be forewarned ~ "where there's smoke, there's usually fire!"*


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## Canada75 (Jan 15, 2017)

I am getting some really good advice from everyone and thank you, but has anyone ever gone through a similar situation.....i.e a mid life crisis, walk away wife, wife's depression, wife feeling totally lost and overwhelmed by anything....work, family etc?


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Canada75 said:


> I am getting some really good advice from everyone and thank you, but has anyone ever gone through a similar situation.....i.e a mid life crisis, walk away wife, wife's depression, wife feeling totally lost and overwhelmed by anything....work, family etc?


Yes, my marriage was a casualty of midlife crisis and my sister's was a casualty of depression. These crisis or illnesses kill marriages none the less. Your wife has committed a grave mistake. Separation is not a good outcome for keeping a marriage, it is more like a sure way of killing it! How the h3ll can you work on a marriage if you are not in it? Distance does not make the heart grow fonder, it makes it colder!


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## Canada75 (Jan 15, 2017)

arbitrator said:


> *In addition to this, you might be better served if you were to hire yourself a good PI. You also need to get with a good "piranha" family attorney to fully advise you on matters of child custody as well as property rights and division!
> 
> Sorry to say that there doesn't appear to be anything positive that can possibly emanate from this trial separation that she has burdensomely imposed upon you!
> 
> Be forewarned ~ "where there's smoke, there's usually fire!"*


I understand, but I would never do that....it's not the type of person I am. If she chooses to go off and be with someone else and is happy then (although hurt) I would want that. I have always wanted her to be happy and if that is the way it goes so be it. I wouldn't take her to the cleaners with a nasty lawyer, although I could go for custody as she left the marital home....but what example would that set for my son as the type of man to be.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Mid life crisis= new love interest for a married woman.

Her putting your name in the mortgage means nothing more than using your credit (using YOU) to get a new place. 
You are letting your wife knowingly make you utterly miserable.
She knows this is killing you.
She says "have faith in her"????
For how long?

Ok, have faith. But at least get a freaking time line. If she's not back by June 21st, file for divorce and move on. Don't you think you count for at least a little? Does she think your feelings are unimportant?

You know this person. What fo YOU think made her suddenly dislike living with you so much that she moved out and BOUGHT her own place?

If you don't know, then you need to start looking for answers.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Canada75 said:


> I understand, but I would never do that....it's not the type of person I am. If she chooses to go off and be with someone else and is happy then (although hurt) I would want that. I have always wanted her to be happy and if that is the way it goes so be it. I wouldn't take her to the cleaners with a nasty lawyer, although I could go for custody as she left the marital home....but what example would that set for my son as the type of man to be.


Yeah, your thinking is so messed up that you are sure to get totally shafted in a divorce. You can do whatever you want--- but don't let the law dictate what you do. Get the absolute best settlement you can if you have to divorce. Then you can give her or do for her whatever you think is right. You just won't have the law FORCING you to do and act a certain way. 

The road to hades is paved with good intentions.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

Evinrude58 said:


> Mid life crisis= new love interest for a married woman.
> 
> Her putting your name in the mortgage means nothing more than using your credit (using YOU) to get a new place.
> You are letting your wife knowingly make you utterly miserable.
> ...



QFT

That's a big step, something not made on a whim. Something that is thought out and planned. Renting an apartment for a few months is one thing, not this. This indicates permanency.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

I have. My ex walked out (actually snuck out) on me and 5 kids. Said he loved me, I was the best thing that ever happened to him, but he didn't want to "do this" (meaning be married) anymore. He also did not want a divorce. Did not want the hassle of having to GET divorced, or "getting the court involved". 

It may have been a midlife crisis.... he was a prime candidate for one. He rented an apartment on the beach, began dating immediately, called me now and then to whine about being lonely, or sorry, or whatever.... 

We'd been together for 23 years. It was heartbreaking for me. But I was also p*ssed. And I had kids who needed a normal, sane parent. 

It's been 11 years now. I've remarried and life is wonderful. He recently remarried, but I cannot figure out why. They don't live together, he still lives in that apartment on the beach and I can't see that he has anything positive to bring to a marriage.... it's weird. But it's not my problem, and I lose no sleep over it. 

So yes, I've been there. It sucks at first. I did all those things I advised you to do to start moving forward. Separating literally yourself from the marriage. It gets better, it gets easier. It all takes time. 

Plan for the worst (get all the divorce info you can) and hope for the best.....there's no telling what the future will bring. Ya know, she MAY come around if she thinks you are actually divorcing her. But don't threaten it if you're not going to do it. And she may come around in a few years, finding out that y'all really did have a good thing and she wants that back. By then, you may have moved on and not want her any more. Or you may lose all respect for someone who just walks out on you. 

But really, right now, take care of yourself. Do positive things for YOU. Stop doing anything for her.


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## Canada75 (Jan 15, 2017)

Evinrude58 said:


> Mid life crisis= new love interest for a married woman.
> 
> Her putting your name in the mortgage means nothing more than using your credit (using YOU) to get a new place.
> You are letting your wife knowingly make you utterly miserable.
> ...


We have grown apart a bit over the years and instead of making each other first we let our child become first in our lives. She said just before leaving that she can't see herself growing old with anyone else and that she just needs some space and doesn't know why she is doing this. It has only been 2 months, and if I push it and keep at her it will only drive her further into whatever depression she is going through and I would lose her....which obviously I don't want. 
She is being very selfish, but at the same time with her leaving I have had a chance to step back and realize we have a few things that need to change and we need to make each other our first priority again and that will take time. Perhaps starting again like dating to try and rekindle the love we had before we had our son.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Canada75 said:


> I understand, but I would never do that....it's not the type of person I am. If she chooses to go off and be with someone else and is happy then (although hurt) I would want that. I have always wanted her to be happy and if that is the way it goes so be it. I wouldn't take her to the cleaners with a nasty lawyer, although I could go for custody as she left the marital home....but what example would that set for my son as the type of man to be.


Don't set yourself up to be an example to you son of being a pushover either. If some of us are right and she is cheating on you (which with every post I feel is more certain) then she is abusing your trust and allowing yourself to be bullied is no example to set for your son. Again, most of the time, moving to a different apartment means cheating. Because leaving a marriage to save it makes no logical sense. That is not what people do when they are trying to save a marriage. But people get apartments when they want to make it easier to have affairs. 

Look I hate being such a pessimist, I really do but whatever is going on you marriage is holding on by a thread. Show you son an example of a man who is assertive in his life. Tell you wife to 5hit of get off the pot as they say.

I don't know how you got it in your mind that there is something wrong with expecting to be treated with respect but your thinking is incorrect. You wife is your wife, she belongs at home with her family. Or she doesn't want to be your wife. It's really that simple. Part of the problem in the marriage could very well be this passive attitude you have. Passive men get bullied by their wives.

Again, right now as far as every other man out there your wife is a single woman in an apartment with a full time babysitter.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Canada75 said:


> We have grown apart a bit over the years and instead of making each other first we let our child become first in our lives. She said just before leaving that she can't see herself growing old with anyone else and that she just needs some space and doesn't know why she is doing this. It has only been 2 months, and if I push it and keep at her it will only drive her further into whatever depression she is going through and I would lose her....which obviously I don't want.
> She is being very selfish, but at the same time with her leaving I have had a chance to step back and realize we have a few things that need to change and we need to make each other our first priority again and that will take time. Perhaps starting again like dating to try and rekindle the love we had before we had our son.


I'm so sorry about this, but what you are describing is a strong desire to nice her back, to try and win her back through kindness and love.
It just doesn't work.
How's that been working for you for the last two months? It won't work any better in the next twenty.

I do think you're right about pressuring her will make her head the other direction.

You can take all the pressure off by just moving on.
Really.
Move on.

It's the only chance you have to be happy. It will be equally effective at both goals that you have.

I do want to mention this: She DOES know why she's doing this. She's just not telling you.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Canada75 said:


> I understand, but I would never do that....it's not the type of person I am. If she chooses to go off and be with someone else and is happy then (although hurt) I would want that. I have always wanted her to be happy and if that is the way it goes so be it. I wouldn't take her to the cleaners with a nasty lawyer, although I could go for custody as she left the marital home....*but what example would that set for my son as the type of man to be?*


*How about that as their father, that your holy vows with her, your feelings, your health, and your ultimate well-being are just as every bit important as hers!*


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Why does she deserve your endless patience while she gets her sh17 together? 

Because you love her? 
Or because you need her and you need to fix and /or rescue her? 

You are very codependent. Mixed with her depression, neither of you are going to be healed. So, you're going to have to do some hard work here, or you can waste your years hoping and praying she changes, until there's a point where she does, but it's because she finally divorces you because she had enough of living in limbo. 

So, you need to learn to have enough of it first. If not for you, then for your son. Right now he's learning that if this ever happens in his marriage, he should wait around until some unknown date when his wife may or may not drop the other shoe. He's learning it's acceptable for his future wife to just up and move out of the home and live somewhere else while pretending to his own son it's only temporary. 

Stop being afraid today. 
Start the 180. 
No more talking with her unless it's about your son, and it's logistics or a mutual decision you must make about him,or it's about finances, which you'll need to discuss separating. 
Start learning about codependency. Read "Codependency No More."

Time to live like a man headed for divorce, because until she moves back in and explicitly says she wants to repair the marriage, that's what you are. And in the eyes of many courts, what she has done constitutes abandonment.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Canada:

Your fear of losing her has nothing do do with her and everything to do with how you view yourself.

As to her actions, please Google and read the Karpman Drama Triangle. It will be an eye opener.


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## allnamesaretaken (Sep 27, 2016)

Didn't read entire thread so I may have missed some things along the way.. But my wife and I have just gotten through a kinda similar situation.. It's a long story as far as what led there but she gave me that I still love you but I need space nonsense as well.. She even went and bought herself another house... It was a 5-6 month process where I tried everything.. From being a pathetic mess crying/begging.. to doing a 180... But none of it mattered because there was another man involved... She did seem a little more interested and less closed off when I could bring myself to 180 her... But no matter what I did.. It didn't have any lasting effects until I discovered her EA and put a stop to it... After that I continued the way I was... Trying to find a happy medium between being overly emotional and doing 180... We live together now in the place she purchased.. Things are far from perfect and we are still doing some damage control... But I decided she was worth all this craziness.. and I'm confident now that at least we are both working together trying to move forward.... So if she truly is still committed to you and just going through some things... I guess you'll just have to wait it out... But after going through it myself I'm with everyone else who says there's a good chance someone else is involved..


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

allnamesaretaken said:


> Didn't read entire thread so I may have missed some things along the way.. But my wife and I have just gotten through a kinda similar situation.. *It's a long story as far as what led there but she gave me that I still love you but I need space nonsense as well.. She even went and bought herself another house... It was a 5-6 month process where I tried everything.. From being a pathetic mess crying/begging.. to doing a 180... But none of it mattered because there was another man involved... She did seem a little more interested and less closed off when I could bring myself to 180 her... But no matter what I did.. It didn't have any lasting effects until I discovered her EA and put a stop to it.*.. After that I continued the way I was... Trying to find a happy medium between being overly emotional and doing 180... We live together now in the place she purchased.. Things are far from perfect and we are still doing some damage control... But I decided she was worth all this craziness.. and I'm confident now that at least we are both working together trying to move forward.... So if she truly is still committed to you and just going through some things... I guess you'll just have to wait it out... But after going through it myself I'm with everyone else who says there's a good chance someone else is involved..


An affair will trump everything at this time. Wake up! You are allowing yourself to be played.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

OP won't investigate the possibility of OM because he's afraid there might be one.


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## ulyssesheart (Jan 7, 2017)

With the information that you have provided and that was provided to you by your walk away wife it could be one of the three quick conclusions, some already reached by our posters.

a. She is depressed, anxious, confused, overwhelmed, fractious. Maybe having a slow mental breakdown. More likely has had a slow mental transformation involving depression. She is running away from her problems. She is being swept away by her current mental state. Our thought processes change over time. Madly in love today, becomes cool love six months from now, then hate then indifference next year. 

b. She is in the midst of an affair, and maybe wants to test drive a few more men. Or, she is getting herself psyched up for intimacy and excitement with a new man . She wants to meet other men and have relations with them to include socializing and affectionate, passionate sex. I think she is revving up her options. 

c. She "presently" does not want sex and intimacy with any man. But wants the option to do so if the right man comes along.

Why did she buy the house and then move out. "She is very conflicted inside". Part of her wanted to continue her relationship with you, part of her wanted to get out of the marriage. She chose the exit plan.
She will sow her oats, do the things that she wants, have sex with other men and then decide if her Plan B man is better than the men she meets on the other side of the marriage fence. This will happen, slowly or rapidly. This is less about sex and more about finding herself. Finding herself in a more fulfilling relationship. 

I suspect that you will lose this battle. If she had not signed off on the house and had just moved out with no affair partner in the wings, she would be doing the right thing. We recommend people who are unhappy in their marriage to either try to fix the marriage or to honorably get divorced. No games, honest communication, get out legally and honorably. Has she? We do not know at this point.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

It sounds she is getting everything she wants and she foes not have to make a choice if ever there is no line in the ground and seeing as it takes a year for divorce to come through, I would tell her your filing for divorce and she can either work on the marriage or not but the clock is ticking and that you also need prove there is no other person involved.....and reminder that condo is community property so you now owe half as part of the settlement....here is the thing stopping act like a doormat, put on your big boy pants on and grow a pair.


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## nursejackie (May 22, 2015)

When I was in my early 40's (perimenopause for many woman) I fell into a very deep depression for the first time in my life. I was on medication but it seemed to make it worse- almost no feelings other than overwhelming sadness. Most of the time I felt like I wanted to be catatonic in a hayfield somewhere. I felt that I couldnt handle being around anyone including my own kids. It was all so hard. I would come home from work and either go to bed or lay on the couch. I was silent unless it was necessary to talk. I didnt want to touch anyone including my kids. I was unable to do much of anything. It felt empty and sad and embarassing. It felt like I had failed everyone including myself. I considered suicide once briefly but was too lazy. 

H said he would love the kids enough for the 2 of us and not to worry. He would take over everything. He did. Remembering this makes me feel overwhelmed with gratitude.

If I had had an inheritance at the time and had the energy to do it I would have bought a condo to serve as the hayfield so i could be catatonic for hours without anyone bothering me. Maybe thats what she has done because she could. Maybe being alone in the condo allows her to have the energy at times to see you and the kids without staring into her dinner plate. Its a possibility.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Canada75 said:


> No, never just showed up as if she is alone then I have my son and wouldn't want to just show up with him. Not sure how long I would do this.....for me it is worth the pain now for a chance to spend the rest of my life with her. She is my best friend, my lover, my wife and I would do anything for her. Her family doesn't say much and I talk to them sometimes, but depression runs in the family for sure. She hasn't been right since her mom died 3 years ago, diagnosed with cancer and dead within a month.


Her mom's death must have triggered the crisis that has her in this depressive funk. The only way you stand a chance of getting your spouse back is with professional help. Sadly, she has to want the help and the help needs to be a good fit for the whole family. Waiting this out without proper anchors is not going to work. I'm sorry your wife is alienating the ones she should be closer to, this is what illness/crisis does to some. Just look at HB'sthread. Her husband is literally dying of cancer and instead of enjoying his beautiful wife and kids, he is doing some God awful, damaging, crazy things. 

Sometimes in life, we are thrown curve balls and love is not enough to save a marriage.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Marc878 said:


> She had no respect for you. Probably because you have none for yourself. Wake up and get some.
> 
> Read your posts and pretend it's a close friend or your brother. What would you think?


Or God forbid your son whom you are modeling this behavior for.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

allnamesaretaken said:


> Didn't read entire thread so I may have missed some things along the way.. But my wife and I have just gotten through a kinda similar situation.. It's a long story as far as what led there but she gave me that I still love you but I need space nonsense as well.. She even went and bought herself another house... It was a 5-6 month process where I tried everything.. From being a pathetic mess crying/begging.. to doing a 180... But none of it mattered because there was another man involved... She did seem a little more interested and less closed off when I could bring myself to 180 her... But no matter what I did.. It didn't have any lasting effects until I discovered her EA and put a stop to it... After that I continued the way I was... Trying to find a happy medium between being overly emotional and doing 180... We live together now in the place she purchased.. Things are far from perfect and we are still doing some damage control... But I decided she was worth all this craziness.. and I'm confident now that at least we are both working together trying to move forward.... So if she truly is still committed to you and just going through some things... I guess you'll just have to wait it out... But after going through it myself I'm with everyone else who says there's a good chance someone else is involved..


I don't want to threadjack but read this. Something is very wrong with someone who can do that to another person, who can lie THAT much. You are risking a whole hell of a lot on someone who is probably very broken. Most of all you are risking time that you can never get back. 

End of thread jack.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Canada75 said:


> Thank you...I totally agree.....I try so hard with the No Contact rule(besides about our son), but fall short often. The needy and clingy was done after the first week or so after I read exactly what you said, it makes me look weak.
> But it is hard when I see her so much, everyday if only for a moment....sometimes longer. I feel it will come off as cold.....I know she is being that way and very selfish but I don't want her to think well sh*t I don't want to be around someone who is short with me and won't give me the time of day. I know what she is doing is 10X worse but here is hoping she see's the error in her ways.


Hope kills more marriages than actions. Your stuck in the no win game which happens in the situations. You've convinced yourself if you pull back she will be done, you hang around playing her game hoping she changes her mind yet the longer it goes on the more independent and less "need" she will have for you. 

Your actions have only reinforced she can do whatever she wants, she doesn't need to work on herself or the marriage. Eventually she will start telling herself that you'd be better off without her or she will start start telling herself this is for the best because you've allowed this to continue for so long or similar variation of the script. It's all designed where she doesn't need to hold herself accountable for anything. 

If she is having depression issues, she is unwilling to work on them. She is unwilling to work on the marriage because you have this perceived "too much pressure" on her which again just allows her to do nothing. You've already have the ever encompassing "mid life crisis" angle stuck in your head which is just code for allowing someone to act like crap and get away with it. All while you hang around waiting for a light bulb to click in her head. Light bulbs only click if someone flips the switch. She doesn't fear losing you, until she does and starts to be held accountable the mess won't change and you endure more limbo which sucks. 

Your a couple month's in and not even sure what your up against, you've shown yourself the path you've chosen isn't working. Change course and start taking back control of your life. Time is not your ally, the longer the staus quo goes on the less chance the situation will work out.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

I would say she is cheating on you. Read http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/209754-standard-evidence-post.html and do what it says if you want to be sure.

Personally, I would just tell her "I want you to be happy, so here are the divorce papers."


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

As others have advise this is must likely a case of adultery. But i would put FOO issues next then metal illness. FOO issues (family of origin) are like ice bergs. Little or nothing on the surface huge block on the bottom. I estimate that 5 or 6 cases a month show up on the there boards I view. Perhaps half the time the spouse and the outside world have no idea. They can range from emotional, mental, physical, even sexual. When one of these events occur the child's hardwiring is fundamentally changed. In the case of CSA (childhood sexual abuse) they view and experience differently. 

You said no family to talk to. Why??? As adults the child often has only superficial relationships although the family appeared close growing up. Please post her background in detail. You need to go to @Uptown view page and read his post. Most apply to BPD but many discuss other issues. Even the BPD will give you a great insight to people in life. Remember mental illness is not like an infection. There are scales used that a normal person will score 1,2 - 6 on one but others lower. Add all the test up and a Phd makes a judgement call. 

Finally get a new IC. They should have told you a marriage needs to be equal over time, several months unequal at most. You cannot control her only yourself. Your well being counts and staying static is wrong. You are slowing devolving as an adult.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

Canada75 said:


> I understand, but I would never do that....it's not the type of person I am. If she chooses to go off and be with someone else and is happy then (although hurt) I would want that. I have always wanted her to be happy and if that is the way it goes so be it. I wouldn't take her to the cleaners with a nasty lawyer, although I could go for custody as she left the marital home....but *what example would that set for my son as the type of man to be*.


Its sets the POSITIVE example of having dignity and self respect, and not to be a doormat by allowing another person to walk all over you. 

Your wife is with someone else and she's stringing you along so she has a free baby sitter (you) so she can spend time with some POSOM.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

How old was she when you got married? How soon after did you have your kid?


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## Loveontherocks (Oct 17, 2016)

Hi, sorry to hear you're going through this.

I have some advice for you based on things I've experienced.... I'm currently going through a separation and my husband is jumping through hoops to try and save the marriage but the needy act is so unappealing to me, I know I can have him when I click my fingers, even though I don't want him, but he is just hanging on like you and seems in denial a bit like you and when a woman knows she has a man on a string it usually just makes us do the opposite of what the man wants because we know he ain't going anywhere.

The best thing you can do is switch tactics....play it cool, stop inviting her for dinner, stop the emails telling her how you miss her and so on. Whilst you're doing these things she knows she has you ready and waiting if she ever decides to come back.

I also think that she may not be having an affair, I have battled with depression for some years and sometimes just need to cut myself off from things for a while. The relationship may be affecting her depression so in her mental state she feels detaching herself from you will help. She may very well intend to come back when she feels a bit better or maybe she's no intentions of coming back at all. 

Either way if I were you I would do a bit of snooping to find out if there is another man, even if the snooping is just to rule it out. You can never be too sure what she's up to.

Also, I don't know why you would agree to a further mortgage with her when she's just left you, paying out money that you don't need to! That's basically debt you'll be paying off for years and she may never come back. What happens if she doesn't come back can she afford to buy you out so you can move on with your life. That would be something I'd be concerned with if I were you.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

Canada75 said:


> I understand there may be another man but she swears there isn't


You've said this a few times in different ways, but it's still the same thing. She's denying an affair. Do you know that almost ALL cheaters deny affairs? Why bother asking her and why bother posting here that you ask and she denied? It's completely irrelevant what she says because cheaters LIE all the time.



Canada75 said:


> and that she is so screwed up in the head at the moment that that is the last thing she would need in her life.


Don't make the mistake of expecting her to do things based on logic and common sense. You could say "she's so screwed up the last thing she needs is to break up with me" and you'd probably be right about that too. 



Canada75 said:


> When she left she told me to have faith and that she just needed some time. She said and I quote "I need to leave the marriage to save the marriage".


That's just BS to buy her time while she figures out that she has no intention of returning to you. She isn't coming back but she hasn't quite convinced herself of that. The more you chase her, the more you beg, plead, and remind her of how strong your love is for her and how much she means to you, the easier it will be for her to leave you. I know, you'd think she'd just come running back into your arms when she realizes she's about to lose this fantastic guy who will give her the world, unfortunately that thinking is flawed because it just doesn't work that way. She sees you more and more as this weak, even pathetic, clingy guy who is dependent on her for his very existence, who is crushed at the thought of losing her. Women want guys who are strong and independent and that is not the guy you are showing her when that is exactly what you need to be doing. 



Canada75 said:


> I totally thought there was another man but the only reason I stopped (or sometimes stop) thinking that is she put the place she bought in both our names. Anyone that is leaving her marriage for another man wouldn't sign a mortgage with the husband she was planning to leave for someone else.


I'm not saying there's another man, but if the ONLY reason you think there isn't is because she had you sign the mortgage, you better think again. She had you sign the mortgage because it puts you on the hook if she can't or won't pay it. If the mortgage is close to or possibly even greater than the value of the house, she didn't do you any favors, it's the other way around.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

I guess he has checked out.


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## ulyssesheart (Jan 7, 2017)

nursejackie said:


> When I was in my early 40's (perimenopause for many woman) I fell into a very deep depression for the first time in my life. I was on medication but it seemed to make it worse- almost no feelings other than overwhelming sadness. Most of the time I felt like I wanted to be catatonic in a hayfield somewhere. I felt that I couldnt handle being around anyone including my own kids. It was all so hard. I would come home from work and either go to bed or lay on the couch. I was silent unless it was necessary to talk. I didnt want to touch anyone including my kids. I was unable to do much of anything. It felt empty and sad and embarassing. It felt like I had failed everyone including myself. I considered suicide once briefly but was too lazy.
> 
> H said he would love the kids enough for the 2 of us and not to worry. He would take over everything. He did. Remembering this makes me feel overwhelmed with gratitude.
> 
> If I had had an inheritance at the time and had the energy to do it I would have bought a condo to serve as the hayfield so i could be catatonic for hours without anyone bothering me. Maybe thats what she has done because she could. Maybe being alone in the condo allows her to have the energy at times to see you and the kids without staring into her dinner plate. Its a possibility.


This is what I would *want to believe*. Until the facts say otherwise.




> I never saw this coming.....a month before she left we were looking for a bigger house to buy.


Buying the house pushed her over the edge. This tension was slowly building up for her. She wanted out of the marriage, or *away from people* as NurseJackie, so eloquently said.

I would file for divorce. Tell her that you are going to do this. Tell her that you are going to start dating in the near future, that you are lonely and need a companion. This may bump her off center.

And yes, do the 180, kindly. Remain friendly, but aloof. I offer this plan because you still love her. If you did not, I would recommend a cooler response.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Canada75 said:


> Yes it feels like a very slow break up, but the second I stop being nice I know that it will give her solace in what she is doing. I love her so much, I would have her back when she is ready. I understand there may be another man but she swears there isn't and that she is so screwed up in the head at the moment that that is the last thing she would need in her life. When she left she told me to have faith and that she just needed some time. She said and I quote "I need to leave the marriage to save the marriage". I totally thought there was another man but the only reason I stopped (or sometimes stop) thinking that is she put the place she bought in both our names. *Anyone that is leaving her marriage for another man wouldn't sign a mortgage with the husband she was planning to leave for someone else. *Everyone told her to just use her name but she insisted that we buy it together and if later on down the road we got back together we would use it as an investment property.


 @Canada75

Oh, they would! That's *exactly* what @Danny4133's wife did to him. New mortgage whilst she was having an affair.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Your wife is sending out a lot of signals, and you are picking up several. This is my 2cents; Have you tried romance? She is living apart from you, and you are treating this like the new normal. I seriously recommend dating your wife. Take her to dinner, without the kid. Go to movies, dancing, art galleries, whatever pushes the two of you together. She needs to find a new image of you in her head, and you need to go from husband, representing some confusion in her life, to lover. My wife and I were separated for 7 months. Our problem was infidelity on my part. By all standards we should have been long divorced by now, but I was not willing to let go of something good. I replaced her anger with love, and changed my image from philanderer to lover. We went out for coffee almost every night, we talked endlessly, we dated and dated. I think that we saw every movie released that year. We went to every romantic restaurant in town. I knew if I wanted us back, I would have to change her perception, so that the old marriage was gone, and I was the new, if familiar, lover.

Canada 75, start by asking her out. It works.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Taxman said:


> Your wife is sending out a lot of signals, and you are picking up several. This is my 2cents; Have you tried romance? She is living apart from you, and you are treating this like the new normal. I seriously recommend dating your wife. Take her to dinner, without the kid. Go to movies, dancing, art galleries, whatever pushes the two of you together. She needs to find a new image of you in her head, and you need to go from husband, representing some confusion in her life, to lover. My wife and I were separated for 7 months. Our problem was infidelity on my part. By all standards we should have been long divorced by now, but I was not willing to let go of something good. I replaced her anger with love, and changed my image from philanderer to lover. We went out for coffee almost every night, we talked endlessly, we dated and dated. I think that we saw every movie released that year. We went to every romantic restaurant in town. I knew if I wanted us back, I would have to change her perception, so that the old marriage was gone, and I was the new, if familiar, lover.
> 
> Canada 75, start by asking her out. It works.


Dude,
That only works if YOU'RE the filthy cheater and your poor spouse is still in love with you. She WANTED to believe you loved her. You gave her the opportunity to believe that again.

In his case, I bet it will have the EXACT OPPOSITE effect.. I know it will. He should file for divorce and start dating other women. Seriously. The "I love you and I want to date you" routine has gotten him nothing but a distant, cold, heartless wife who treats him like second hand smoke.


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## Grapes (Oct 21, 2016)

Sure sounds like OM in the picture. steadfast 180 needed. Space is wanted space should be given. Shes telling you what she wants but your not listening.

Canada imagine this:

Next time she drops the kid off; instead of inviting her in you let your son in, tell her with a big smile that you've got plans, then close the door. Then go out with your kid. Tell her nothing - if she asks reiterate that this is what space looks like.

Whats her reaction to that vs clinging and needing. Truth is it doesnt matter what her reaction is but I bet it gets her attention far more then the needing.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

I went back and re-read Canada's first post. I realize this is not a cheating situation. This is a confusion situation. Romance is NOT the pick me dance. This is a campaign to suggest to her that life would be better as a couple rather than sitting in a little condo all alone. I know that my situation was very different, but the strategies are solid. It should NEVER look as if you are needy, as that sends the wrong signal. Here, you are looking at being man and woman. Nothing more or less. Women, unlike men, respond well to this, I have found. I have recommended this approach to others when they questioned the direction of their marriage. I do not profess to being anything other than what I am and I do not profess that this approach is the be all and end all. What I do profess is that this is a kind and gentle method to broach the divide between Canada and his wife. She appears to be confused and skittish. She does not know what is missing in her life, but she feels that there is a distance between them. This can convince her that the distance is less than she originally thought. The other benefit is that this can change her perception of her spouse. If she saw him as uncommitted or distant or even less than that, it shows her that he is committed to her as a wife and the distance was not on purpose.

One of the reasons I no longer go to SI is that the advice given always led to divorce. Reconciliation seemed to be an almost unnatural ending to marital discord. I agree that what happens on SI is extreme marital discord, however, I see very little is to be gained by running to the lawyers immediately. Given the history and I sincerely believe the lack of infidelity in this, I think that the distance between Canada and his wife can be broached with kindness and love. Feel free to brickbat me, but I'm sorry, I am old fashioned, and a romantic. Love should always win out.


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## Canada75 (Jan 15, 2017)

Well it has been almost a week that I have cut off contact with my wife unless it has to do with our son and then only through text. I'm not trying the "180" I have just had it trying so hard to get her to talk at all about our relationship or even where her mind set is. I have literally given up and now I have turned all the energy I put into trying to get through to her and directed at having as much fun as possible with my son when he is with me which is 4 days a week. It feels good not to be in that lost mind set that I never thought I would get out of. I didn't get out of it on purpose, it just happened one day as I got fed up of trying so hard with nothing in return but being yelled at or just made to feel like sh*t. I have accepted I have tried everything possible to save our marriage and It is up to her now. If she wants it, she will have to now work as hard as I did to bring me back into the fold. I don't deserve to be treated like that and I will continue my life and make the best of it and leave her alone to deal with whatever issues that she needed space for in the first place. I will have lonely nights, but I'm a good guy and if she doesn't want a good, kind, loyal, understanding man to be with then there will be others out there somewhere that will. Thanks for all the support from everyone and I will keep you updated.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Chasing an errant spouse and trying to make them come back into the marriage never works. It just pushes them farther and faster away, and you lose what little bit of respect they had left for you. 

Focus on yourself and your kids. Your wife is going to do what she wants to do and nothing you can say or do will sway her towards reconciliation. Let go of the outcome.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

You gave her the space she wanted, let's see if she still loves you.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Have you read No More Mr Nice Guy?


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Canada75 said:


> No, never just showed up as if she is alone then I have my son and wouldn't want to just show up with him. Not sure how long I would do this.....for me it is worth the pain now for a chance to spend the rest of my life with her. She is my best friend, my lover, my wife and I would do anything for her. Her family doesn't say much and I talk to them sometimes, but depression runs in the family for sure. She hasn't been right since her mom died 3 years ago, diagnosed with cancer and dead within a month.


Sorry you're going through this Canada75. Perception is reality and she needs to believe she's lucky to have you and if she doesn't have you then some other lucky woman will. That's a hard message to send while she thinks you're patiently waiting on her to change her mind. More likely she thinks you're emotionally weak and can't live without her which might be how you feel. The first step is you realizing that someone is lucky to be with you.


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## Canada75 (Jan 15, 2017)

Thundarr said:


> Sorry you're going through this Canada75. Perception is reality and she needs to believe she's lucky to have you and if she doesn't have you then some other lucky woman will. That's a hard message to send while she thinks you're patiently waiting on her to change her mind. More likely she thinks you're emotionally weak and can't live without her which might be how you feel. The first step is you realizing that someone is lucky to be with you.


That is where I'm at now. I'm done waiting and done trying. I realized I can live without her and be happy and am doing so moving forward. I still love her, but at the same time I don't deserve to be treated like this when I have done nothing but be a good man and husband to her. I'm excited about where my new future will take me. If at some point she wants to work on things, then I will decide then what to do. I am going forward as if we are done and she is not coming back.
It has been a tough 2 months, but it finally dawned on me that I have done nothing wrong and I have been the only one trying to fix our relationship/marriage/family that she broke by leaving.....so whats the point. I can't help someone when they don't want it....she wants some space, well she can have all the space she wants while I move on with my life.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

Do you have a timeframe in mind? How long will you live in limbo before moving on?

You deserve a life too.


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## Stillasamountain (Jan 13, 2014)

Canada75 said:


> I could go for custody as she left the marital home....but what example would that set for my son as the type of man to be.


A man with some self respect and boundaries that loves his children and wants what's best for them?


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## Canada75 (Jan 15, 2017)

Malaise said:


> Do you have a timeframe in mind? How long will you live in limbo before moving on?
> 
> You deserve a life too.


No time frame as of yet, just moving on. This step took me 2 months and has only been a week. Will deal with the finances when I feel the time is right.


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## Sparta (Sep 4, 2014)

OP you really want to get your balls back.? file for Divorce and go buy a whole new wardrobe. OK you don't know what pick out find the hot chick that works there have her pick it out outfits for you... Hit the gym every day.! next time you talk to her act like she's bothering you...I mean like just be irritated. And when she sees you make sure you're smiling and having a good time and you're on with some hot Younger piece... > do not act interested in her at all nothing like just even talking to her for two seconds is a inconvenience to you. That will really tell her for a loop... just remember everything she did to you dude did you believe you caused all this F her buddy


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Nice work. If you chase they always move farther away


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## Absurdist (Oct 10, 2014)

Canada75 said:


> Well it has been almost a week that I have cut off contact with my wife unless it has to do with our son and then only through text. I'm not trying the "180" I have just had it trying so hard to get her to talk at all about our relationship or even where her mind set is. I have literally given up and now I have turned all the energy I put into trying to get through to her and directed at having as much fun as possible with my son when he is with me which is 4 days a week. It feels good not to be in that lost mind set that I never thought I would get out of. I didn't get out of it on purpose, it just happened one day as I got fed up of trying so hard with nothing in return *but being yelled at or just made to feel like sh*t.* I have accepted I have tried everything possible to save our marriage and It is up to her now. If she wants it, she will have to now work as hard as I did to bring me back into the fold. I don't deserve to be treated like that and I will continue my life and make the best of it and leave her alone to deal with whatever issues that she needed space for in the first place. I will have lonely nights, but I'm a good guy and if she doesn't want a good, kind, loyal, understanding man to be with then there will be others out there somewhere that will. Thanks for all the support from everyone and I will keep you updated.





Canada75 throughout your thread your wife was emotionally fragile but largely docile. The part I highlighted above seems to indicate that harsh words were exchanged and that she yelled at you. Am I reading this right? Seems out of character with your thread.

If she did use harsh words with you maybe that is the impetus you need to get off dead center and get yourself out of this soul sucking place called limbo.


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## Canada75 (Jan 15, 2017)

Absurdist said:


> Canada75 throughout your thread your wife was emotionally fragile but largely docile. The part I highlighted above seems to indicate that harsh words were exchanged and that she yelled at you. Am I reading this right? Seems out of character with your thread.
> 
> If she did use harsh words with you maybe that is the impetus you need to get off dead center and get yourself out of this soul sucking place called limbo.


Yep, totally out of character. All I wanted was to open a dialogue (haven't tried to talk about us in a month since the same thing happened) about where she thinks this is going. Not so much harsh words but definitely loud and emotional that she can't handle talking about it because she has no idea what she is going to do, when she will be back or if she will ever be back(her words). It was like she imploded inside when I asked her how things were going and what is she thinking about us. 
I haven't contacted her since (besides to do with our son) and I am done trying and going to move on with my life. After 16 years the least I deserve is an adult conversation about where we stand, not crying and telling me she can't handle talking about it. 2 days later she greats me at the door when I picked my son up with a big smile and happily asking about how my day went?? I noticed a book I wanted on the steps and she said oops.....I bought you a book. I asked if it was meant for my birthday (Feb) and she said yes. I said thank you but please don't buy me anything else for my birthday.....smile turned to frown.
Got a text 10 mins after I left apologizing for losing it 2 days before and another saying that she should be apologizing in person as well.
I can't keep up. One day I think it is obviously over and the next she is buying me a birthday present. This isn't normal behavior. I really wish she would go and see someone but she has refused.....said she just needs to be alone and have space to figure it out. 2 months in and still nothing figured out except she enjoys shopping while furnishing her new place. I called it "retail therapy" to her and she said I know I have to stop shopping.....and it isn't helping anyways!!


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

She wanted space give it to her. Cut out any unneeded dialog.

It's what's needed at this time


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

If she wants to be indecisive, you take control and make the decision. You saw what happened when you pull the way. She chased. However, the moment you begin reciprocate she starts to pull away. That Push Pull Dynamic is indicative typically of two things: either personality disorder, or deep resentment. Unless she is willing to address whichever of those it may be, there is little you can do to overcome it. 

Focus on you, keep moving on, and have a definite point of no return lest you remain in limbo for an extended period of time.


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## Canada75 (Jan 15, 2017)

Marc878 said:


> She wanted space give it to her. Cut out any unneeded dialog.
> 
> It's what's needed at this time


I have....a week now. No contact unless it has been about our son and then only through text. I do see her when I pick him up from her place, but it is short and sweet.....Hello, lets go buddy, and bye.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Canada75 said:


> That is where I'm at now. I'm done waiting and done trying. I realized I can live without her and be happy and am doing so moving forward. I still love her, but at the same time I don't deserve to be treated like this when I have done nothing but be a good man and husband to her. I'm excited about where my new future will take me. If at some point she wants to work on things, then I will decide then what to do. I am going forward as if we are done and she is not coming back.
> It has been a tough 2 months, but it finally dawned on me that I have done nothing wrong and I have been the only one trying to fix our relationship/marriage/family that she broke by leaving.....so whats the point. I can't help someone when they don't want it....she wants some space, well she can have all the space she wants while I move on with my life.


That's good to hear. A lot of people get stuck in a state of limbo waiting to see if things are going to work out but that's such a miserable and anti-productive place to be. It's one thing to give someone their space but it's not healthy to put you life on hold for them. Good luck man.


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## karlmazur5 (Nov 14, 2016)

SunnyT said:


> Separate the bank accounts. Separate the finances. Start figuring it as if you are permanently separated. When a person moves out of a marriage, they do so with the risk of not receiving any more financial support, unless ordered by the courts. Basically, since she moved out she should be paying her own way. You pay your home bills, she pays hers. Since some bills are probably for both of you such as insurance and phone...whoever is the payer should get half the money from the other. She should pay her own way now. You are not living as a couple, she doesn't want to be a couple, you shouldn't mingle the money as a couple. Time to think about UNcoupling.
> 
> Pack up her stuff at the house.....you can store it in the garage or offer it to her, but you don't have to live as if she is going to walk back in at any minute. (I would physically pack it up and take it to her. Tell her that she forgot a few things. Not to be mean, but to not LIVE with all her stuff when she doesn't want to live there) *Actually, on second thought....I'd just pack it all up (and by pack it up I mean dump it in boxes and trash bags) and store it in the garage and not say anything to her. You don't have to explain things anymore. When she sees that you've changed things, you just shrug and say that she doesn't live here now.
> 
> ...


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Canada75 said:


> I have....a week now. No contact unless it has been about our son and then only through text. I do see her when I pick him up from her place, but it is short and sweet.....Hello, lets go buddy, and bye.


Never answer a call directly. If it's not about your son or business just delete with no response. 


Any response should be civil and short


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Canada75 said:


> I have....a week now. No contact unless it has been about our son and then only through text. I do see her when I pick him up from her place, but it is short and sweet.....Hello, lets go buddy, and bye.


Good. Keep this up, and get the divorce moving. 

A married woman who BUYS a condo is done with her marriage. Period. End of story. Oh, and you can pretty much count on there being a boyfriend. 

You are making strides.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Evinrude58 said:


> Dude,
> That only works if YOU'RE the filthy cheater and your poor spouse is still in love with you. She WANTED to believe you loved her. You gave her the opportunity to believe that again.
> 
> In his case, I bet it will have the EXACT OPPOSITE effect.. I know it will. He should file for divorce and start dating other women. Seriously. The "I love you and I want to date you" routine has gotten him nothing but a distant, cold, heartless wife who treats him like second hand smoke.


We don't know exactly what her story is

1. It could be cheating
2.It could be menopause

Both require very different responses.
Therefore find out if she is cheating, follow the standard evidence thread for this. If she is cheating then dump her like a ton of bricks and get yourself a lawyer and IC

If it is menopause, this is a totally different kettle of fish. Arm yourself with knowledge. Many woman feel desperate, they feel used up after years of pandering to everyone else and some just want to jack it all in. I have been on that bandwagon and it is not a pleasant place to me, there is no purpose, no future.
As I say find out what it is all about and be supportive of her.


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## IamSomebody (Nov 21, 2014)

Canada75 said:


> Yes it feels like a very slow break up, but the second I stop being nice I know that it will give her solace in what she is doing. I love her so much, I would have her back when she is ready. I understand there may be another man but she swears there isn't and that she is so screwed up in the head at the moment that that is the last thing she would need in her life. When she left she told me to have faith and that she just needed some time. She said and I quote "I need to leave the marriage to save the marriage". I totally thought there was another man but the only reason I stopped (or sometimes stop) thinking that is she put the place she bought in both our names. Anyone that is leaving her marriage for another man wouldn't sign a mortgage with the husband she was planning to leave for someone else. Everyone told her to just use her name but she insisted that we buy it together and if later on down the road we got back together we would use it as an investment property.


Putting your name on the mortgage makes you liable for half of it when she divorces you. Is your name also on the title? If your W received an inheritance why did she need to get mortgage? If she kept her inheritance in a separate account and did not use it for her condo, that money is all hers. You can't touch it in a divorce.

Speak with a shark-like attorney and find out your rights ad responsibilities. Have the attorney get your name off the mortgage immediately. Pack up all her things and take them to her condo. Tell her you don't want her to do without a thing. Don't let her turn on the waterworks to get you to take it back to your place; it is your place, she has moved out. Her tears are just a manipulation tool to get you to do what she wants. Stop falling for it.

Get yourself some IC to lean why you put up with her crap stop it.

IamSomebody


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## Canada75 (Jan 15, 2017)

IamSomebody said:


> Putting your name on the mortgage makes you liable for half of it when she divorces you. Is your name also on the title? If your W received an inheritance why did she need to get mortgage? If she kept her inheritance in a separate account and did not use it for her condo, that money is all hers. You can't touch it in a divorce.
> 
> Speak with a shark-like attorney and find out your rights ad responsibilities. Have the attorney get your name off the mortgage immediately. Pack up all her things and take them to her condo. Tell her you don't want her to do without a thing. Don't let her turn on the waterworks to get you to take it back to your place; it is your place, she has moved out. Her tears are just a manipulation tool to get you to do what she wants. Stop falling for it.
> 
> ...


When I say my name is on the mortgage I mean we both own the place together....so to speak, and yes it is in both our names on the title. She didn't need me or "my" money to get approved for the mortgage and she used the small inheritance as a down payment. Even without the money she would of been approved just on what she makes, the down payment just meant she didn't have to pay a certain buyers fee on the purchase.....some law in Canada. So, she spent 80% of her inheritance to save a bit of money on the purchase and to keep the monthly mortgage payments low. Everyone told her to just buy it on her own, but she said she wanted my name on it. We still run everything out of our joint account and the place I'm living has higher monthly payments. Did I mention the closing date was a month and a half away and we decided to work on things.....it went well I thought we were all good. We even had a renter move in the first week we got it....then the cheque bounced and he went missing. 3 weeks later she decided to move in out of the blue.
We both have good jobs and she makes more then me.....but even so, I was banking on having someone rent the place and not carry two mortgages. Money is tight, but it all comes out of our account which we both get payed into.....bills, both mortgage payments, groceries...etc etc. The money she used to furnish the place was the other 20% of the money she inherited....and a little from our account for stuff for our son.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Two months and no decisions. I would ask if she thinks it is time you moved on. You are in limbo and she is keeping you there. Not fair to you. Let her know you love her but cannot put up with this much longer. My words to her would be get help or I'm done.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Don't ask, just move on. She either jumps aboard your train or you leave her at the station.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

It's over, she should have used that inheritance money to help out in your retirement years. Start the 180 immediately and start investigating if there's an OM. Take her off all the credit cards and and get a lawyer and have her served.


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## rzmpf (Mar 11, 2016)

Didn't she already show you her decision instead of saying it? 

She bought a new home for herself, she moved out, she furnished it, you have an agreement about taking care of the child and she does not discuss the situation. The only things that are different to being actually divorced is the legal/financial stuff. 
Divorced people can have dinner, they can have talks about the kid, they can give each other presents, nothing you have with her "requires" you being married to her. She treats you like a friend not like a significant other. Did you get the ILYBINILWY speech?

She gets upset when she sees consequences (=actual divorce) coming near when you want to talk about the situation or when you are showing her that you are detaching but there does not seem to be any acknowledgment of your struggle with this situation or any attempt on her part of doing something about it albeit claiming to wait for an Eureka-moment (and damage control after being confronted with possible consequences).

Just sounds like she has some serious mental issues, is just done or is involved with someone else. You said money is tight? That's a shame, you would need a PI to investigate her during the time your kid is with you.


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## Absurdist (Oct 10, 2014)

Canada75 - many people are telling you "just to file". Unfortunately you are in Canada and you have to be separated one year before a divorce can be filed.

This is what you need to do. Go see a lawyer and inquire about a separation agreement. Understand what is involved and what it entails. Who pays for what? How are assets divided? What does custody and child support look like? I am not telling you to push a separation agreement on your wife but you do need to have knowledge. If you had a persistent pain for two months, wouldn't you go see a doctor and get a diagnosis? Of course you would. And please understand.... this has nothing to do about loving your wife but it has everything to do with reality.

Canada75 -

Divorce is hard. Reconciliation is harder. But limbo is the hardest. Please do not stay in limbo lest it suck your life from you.


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## rzmpf (Mar 11, 2016)

Absurdist said:


> Unfortunately you are in Canada and you have to be separated one year before a divorce can be filed.


Then it seems that she started the clock already and there are only about 10 months left. This way her behaviour would make a lot more sense.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

She's not mental or menopausal....


She's selfish.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

I am going to parrot what others have said here: She is fence sitting without giving you the benefit of even stating your case. I believe that you should let her know that you are not prepared to have this situation continue. Consequently, and this should be made plain to her, you are seeing a lawyer about separation leading to divorce. The second consequence is that once you have a legal separation, you are going to start dating. You will have all of your answers fairly quickly after those pronouncements. 

I have a client whose wife acted similarly, she was fence sitting, and found it difficult to make decisions. He basically asked if he could start dating again as she did not seem to want to move in one direction or another. That question scared the bejabbers out of her, as she was quite comfortable having him at her convenience, or rather, he was a convenience for her. She did not have to maintain a home or split duties on parenting. He parented on his days and she pretty much let the kid do what he wanted on her days. She went to work and kept her salary, but he was paying for the marital home and all child expenses. She could pass him off as her husband when it suited her, and when it didn't, she basically treated him as an interloper. The threat of a new love replacing her, and the threat that her lifestyle would be that of a broke unmarried middle-aged woman wised her up quickly.


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## Canada75 (Jan 15, 2017)

I want to let her know I want her stuff out of the house and moved into her new place....but I'm scared I suppose. I really think it is a depression/mid life crisis issue and not someone else in the picture. More then anything I would like to try and sort things out but it is/was a totally one sided effort. She can be stubborn and I have a feeling that if she has any doubts about what she has done and any thoughts about perhaps trying again that me asking her to move her stuff out will push her into defense mode and push her even further away then she already is. I don't mind waiting if she at least communicated with me about our relationship....or lack there of.
I'm on the fence.....I may give it some more time and keep it just about our son and hope she has a moment of clarity and wants to work on things. I may not. This sucks.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

It sucks.
You letting her keep you in limboland sux worse.

She bought a house and moved out. What is taking her stuff and giving it to her going to do, make her leave you? 
Sorry man, she's already gone.

Good news! Get her shlt out and the next Mrs Canada won't wonder if you're married or have a girlfriend when you invite her over.

You being scared shows you still have hope. Hope in this situation just keeps you stuck in limbo.
If she wants you, she will come get you. 
Accept she's gone and move forward. Don't let anyone treat you like you aren't good enough.


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## Canada75 (Jan 15, 2017)

Evinrude58 said:


> It sucks.
> You letting her keep you in limboland sux worse.
> 
> She bought a house and moved out. What is taking her stuff and giving it to her going to do, make her leave you?
> ...


Yes I am in limbo and yes I do have hope. I hope she figures out that life without our family together is no way to live. It has been 2 months but during that time I haven't really given her the space she needed. I would text her and email her about what she means to me.I have only shut down contact(unless to do with our son) for a week and a half and think I should continue a bit longer. I have never been told I love you but I'm not in love with you. I have been told, I love you and miss you but I just need some space to be alone. She is in hiding from anything to do with reality, and comes across as very depressed. Just because she moved out doesn't mean it is over, it just means she is confused as she stated and doesn't know what she wants. I figure several months of pain would (if it works out) be worth it to spend the rest of my life with the women I love. Pushing her to make a decision now might spell my doom as she has told me she can't handle anything at the moment.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I understand, and you are wise to do exactly as YOU think is right.
You know the situation better than I do.
Realize, though, that moving out and buying/furnishing a house and moving in and going no contact with you are totally different things.
Renting isn't permanent, buying is.

She isn't as confused as you think. She bought a house. That's not confusion---- that's goodbye.

What she is doing to you is so cruel, it's a real shame.

I truly hope you are right and she comes back a new person.

I have to ask, have you done any checking whatsoever to make sure you are the only man in her life?

If not, you are sticking your head in the sand. Don't. BE paranoid, just check. You need to have no doubt. The way things are demands doubt from a logical perspective.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

I wouldn't live in limbo too long. You like most are worried that you'll push her away but she's already gone.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Canada75 said:


> Yes I am in limbo and yes I do have hope. I hope she figures out that life without our family together is no way to live. It has been 2 months but during that time I haven't really given her the space she needed. I would text her and email her about what she means to me.I have only shut down contact(unless to do with our son) for a week and a half and think I s1hould continue a bit longer. I have never been told I love you but I'm not in love with you. I have been told, I love you and miss you but I just need some space to be alone. She is in hiding from anything to do with reality, and comes across as very depressed. Just because she moved out doesn't mean it is over, it just means she is confused as she stated and doesn't know what she wants. I figure several months of pain would (if it works out) be worth it to spend the rest of my life with the women I love. Pushing her to make a decision now might spell my doom as she has told me she can't handle anything at the moment.


She is in hiding from your reality, not hers. She isn't confused, you are because your stuck in denial. Your only afraid to push because you'll have the answer you don't want. She has been unwilling to work on the relationship and your aiding that. You need to push and get out of limboland. She is living and learning to live life without you, the months of pain your willing to endure are only making it easier for her to be done. 

Your trying to prove you love her yet she has no incentive to change her current situation, so you endure/wait and she goes on with her life. She has the game rigged, you can't and won't win going about it as you have. You must take control of your own life back, start giving her a reason to question her decisions.


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## Absurdist (Oct 10, 2014)

Canada75 said:


> Yes I am in limbo and yes I do have hope. I hope she figures out that life without our family together is no way to live. It has been 2 months but during that time I haven't really given her the space she needed. I would text her and email her about what she means to me.I have only shut down contact(unless to do with our son) for a week and a half and think I should continue a bit longer. I have never been told I love you but I'm not in love with you. I have been told, I love you and miss you but I just need some space to be alone. She is in hiding from anything to do with reality, and comes across as very depressed. Just because she moved out doesn't mean it is over, it just means she is confused as she stated and doesn't know what she wants. I figure several months of pain would (if it works out) be worth it to spend the rest of my life with the women I love. Pushing her to make a decision now might spell my doom as she has told me she can't handle anything at the moment.



How long are you willing to live like this?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Reminds me of the movie "6th sense"......
They only see what they Wanna see....

He sees what he wants to see---
A wife who says she loves and misses him (she misses him????? Wth, she bought a home and moved out!!!) 
He believes her because he still loves her and she once loved him... understandable but....

She needs some space and moved out.... yeah, she needs a few miles and locked doors between him and her--- she "loves and MISSES him".
That's freaking cruel as hell of her to say. Obvious manipulation.

Facts: she spent her inferitance on a new home and new furniture--- a new LIFE.

She doesn't communicate with OP at all, except to deal with kids and check to see if he's still on the hook.

It's been over two months.

She is absolutely cut him out of her life and every day that goes by, she's learning to be happy without OP.

I can't tell him what to do. He's the one that has the most info to make the decision.

But if it were me, I'd be planning on a life without her. I'd check on the OM thing-- no husband wants to believe his wife is cheating. That would help him detach if she were.
I'd get a lawyer.
I'd start planning weekends with friends. I'd force myself to meet new people, especially other women.
That way, if she comes back it's a bonus, if she doesn't, he isn't crushed.

In truth, every sign points to her moving on.
Never believe what a wife that's checked out of the marriage says. Believe what they do. It's a lesson I learned the hard way.
What she is doing paints a very clear picture to me.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Canada75 said:


> *Everyone told her to just buy it on her own, *but she said she wanted my name on it.


This is weird to me. Maybe it is just different languages, but why would people tell her to buy a house without you for herself?


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Hi Canada75, now about the house. I can relate since my mother died and left me a large chunk of cash. At the time my then H was going through a downard spiral, wasn't working huge health problems, and I didn't know at the time, but he was cheating left and right (I was pretty dumb). I bought us a house. He could not qualify for the mortgage but I could. So I put the house in both names and only my name was on the note. I wanted him to believe it was our family home. Less than a year later, when I found out what he had been doing, he wanted half the house, or rather he wanted me to give him half the house in cash. Nope. I could trace it back to my separate funds and I didn't lose that. I paid him one-half of the equity that had accumulate in that year. My family was 100% against me putting his name on the deed, but at the time I was trying to support the H. Spouses do that, until..

When someone tells you that don't want you around, believe them.
I'm really sorry you are going through this, it hurts, its confusing. It is not terminal. I encourage you to keep posting and all kinds of people here will help you work through what ever issues arise. You really aren't alone.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Go forward with divorce. Separation is just prolonging the inevitable and gives her legal permission to date and fvck around. File for D now, and if down the road she wakes up and decides she wants you and wants to work to save the marriage, you can always have the petition dismissed. But if you don't file for divorce now, and you do find out that she is sleeping around, you will be that much more behind and unable to free yourself from her and move on and heal. And you will wait, and wait, and wait....

You are allowing yourself to slip and slide and wallow in the mudpit. Get out of there.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Oh that's right...you're in Canada...duh.

Poor bastard. I guess you have to be legally separated for a year before an actual petition can be filed? Dumb law.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Canada75 said:


> Yes I am in limbo and yes I do have hope. I hope she figures out that life without our family together is no way to live. It has been 2 months but during that time I haven't really given her the space she needed. I would text her and email her about what she means to me.I have only shut down contact(unless to do with our son) for a week and a half and think I should continue a bit longer. I have never been told I love you but I'm not in love with you. I have been told, I love you and miss you but I just need some space to be alone. She is in hiding from anything to do with reality, and comes across as very depressed. Just because she moved out doesn't mean it is over, it just means she is confused as she stated and doesn't know what she wants. I figure several months of pain would (if it works out) be worth it to spend the rest of my life with the women I love. Pushing her to make a decision now might spell my doom as she has told me she can't handle anything at the moment.


Space to be alone for me means detaching. If one can not find time be alone while living with another I find very concerning. A day away. A few hours away. Not across town in an apartment. We can be sure that being alone with no meaningful contact does not perpetuate a good healthy relationship. It does anything but.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

bandit.45 said:


> Oh that's right...you're in Canada...duh.
> 
> Poor bastard. I guess you have to be legally separated for a year before an actual petition can be filed? Dumb law.


Why is it a bad law? Gives the couple an opportunity to cool down, and possibly avoid a divorce due to hasty decisions, but probably more importantly may save on litigation because the couple might have cooled down enough so that they won't be easy bait for unethical greedy attorneys who know how to play their clients against them. The 1 year period may allow for mediation or at least give them an opportunity to work out an amicable settlement that simply needs to be stamped by a judge. 

Just because they aren't officially divorce doesn't mean their live has to be on hold, and odds are a person will need a year to process everything before they get back out there and get involved with someone new.

Not seeing a downside. Although I get that in cases where one party is completely at fault, due to cheating, or drug abuse, or criminal behavior, or physical abuse, the other party just wants to get away as fast as they can. But again, putting the divorce off for a year doesn't prevent them from living their own life and making the 1 year law "contingent on circumstances" just makes it complicated because then you'd have to do hearing to determine fault and all of that.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

I'm surprised no one has brought this up but a really good indicator of what has been going on is your sex life. How has it been in the last few years and why. How often did you have sex in the last few years? Who was the instigator? Has there been any changes in frequency, techniques etc. in the recent times? Has she changed any personal habits, personal grooming, activities, friends, going out, fitness, weight, exercise, weight, phone usage, passwords, Facebook, working late, leaving early etc. Have you checked her phone bill to see if there are numbers that stand out and verified who the numbers belong to?

How do you know she really is depressed? Is t it odd to be depressed but not want to get treatment for getting rid of it?

Btw, depression figures into a great deal of the infidelity threads here? You can consider depression as a huge red flag. If possible put a GPS on her car.

What's the point of waiting on a wife that very well may be playing you while loving on another man/men? If you find out she isn't cheating great. If she is would you still want her,would you want to wait on her to see if she figures out you are better than her lover or he dumps her. I personally would want to get on with my new life rather than waiting around wasting my life away.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Btw, did you guys actually discuss dating other people? She said that's the last thing she needs but did she give you the freedom to explore your" options?"


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

Chaparral said:


> Btw, did you guys actually discuss dating other people? She said that's the last thing she needs but did she give you the freedom to explore your" options?"


Just a guess here, Chap : She'll want him to stay in limbo, keep dangling on that hook. Right now, he's plan B.

Can't have him finding someone else and filing.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

My guess with his not being on here is that he finally found that there was someone else.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

ABHale said:


> My guess with his not being on here is that he finally found that there was someone else.


If that be the case Canada....that is when you need us the most....you need someone on your side, to help, to listen, to provide you with answer for the next step.


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## Canada75 (Jan 15, 2017)

Haven't been on in awhile as nothing really new. As far as I know there is no one else. Came to a head last Saturday with her telling me she doesn't think she will be back. She said she is going through a crisis and can't deal with anything. Has cut her one friend off as she can't deal with her life problems as well. I said you have just locked yourself in this condo and the only person you let in your bubble is our son. She said she knows but is alright with that. I said you keep telling me "I don't think" "I don't Know" "I'm not sure" and said I have been living in limbo for over 2 months and you haven't told me anything. I asked again if she has been seeing anyone or in any kind of relationship and again the answer was no. I pushed a bit more and she said I don't want you to live in limbo. I asked does that mean it is over and she said yes. I got up and said great, thanks for telling me and walked out as she called my name out.
Next day she dropped my son off and I told her we need to get a lawyer to figure our finances out and she already knew of a place that did separation arbitration in town. I said I will pack her stuff up in boxes and she can pick it up. She called my bluff and asked if she could take a few things now....I said no, not now. I went right back in to denial. 
Texted her on the Monday and just said hi.
We texted a bit and she finally said I don't really know what to say to you. I love you and like talking to you, but that is all I can seem to handle at the moment That was her smiley face, not mine. Since then, no mention of what went on over the weekend. 
Crushed all of Sunday, happy as can be Monday when she told me she loved me....which I knew, but was nice to hear.

I understand what it seems like looking in from the outside, but she is going through a very emotional crisis of some sort and she is the mother of my child. I will wait, and do what it takes to try and make it work. I love her, and if I thought there was someone else I would see a lawyer, but you don't know her and don't see what I do. She is too fuc*ed at the moment to get involved with someone else. That being said, we will see where the next few weeks go and see if she brings up getting her stuff again. 
I will keep you updated.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You chase they flee.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

Just go no contact as much as possible.

She's still stringing you along although she says you're done.

Was she always this manipulative?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Marc878 said:


> You chase they flee.


Doing the wrong things to get her back will cost him this marriage. Not necessarily a bad thing. She's either mental and won't get help or more likely she has another love and that's even worse. Her emotional outbursts are likely to be guilt. She knows one thing though and she doesn't want you.

Tell your lawyer you want her evaluated before she can be alone with your son. If she's mental she very well could be dangerous. Stop acting like you know her.


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## Canada75 (Jan 15, 2017)

Marc878 said:


> You chase they flee.


I'm not chasing. No more texts/emails telling her how much I love her and miss her. I am just taking care of my business and caring for my son.



Malaise said:


> Just go no contact as much as possible.
> 
> She's still stringing you along although she says you're done.
> 
> Was she always this manipulative?


No, everything she has done since she first started showing signs of midlife crisis/ depression she has not been at all the same person. She is in an emotional hibernation. Never has been manipulative. I think she wants me to be done. I think she hopes I just end it. She could care less about anything at the moment except hiding away from the world. 
Ending it would not only destroy me, but destroy us both financially. I am just sitting back and giving her space. Like I said, we will see what happens. I know it doesn't look at all good, but I won't be able to live with the thought I didn't try and be an anchor for her, my family and our future. If it does end, which for sure looks that way every other day then I know I did everything I could to save our life together.


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## Canada75 (Jan 15, 2017)

Chaparral said:


> Doing the wrong things to get her back will cost him this marriage. Not necessarily a bad thing. She's either mental and won't get help or more likely she has another love and that's even worse. Her emotional outbursts are likely to be guilt. She knows one thing though and she doesn't want you.
> 
> Tell your lawyer you want her evaluated before she can be alone with your son. If she's mental she very well could be dangerous. Stop acting like you know her.


No, she won't get help. I don't think she is mental I think she is depressed, confused, and having a mid life crisis.
She is a very loving mother and my son would never be in danger. If there was someone else she would of ended by now.....completely. I am not a plan B, she is just really going through something that she doesn't even understand. I do think she feels guilt about the hurt she has caused me, and my son. I do know her, and you don't. It is not an act, and you looking from the outside have no idea what your talking about.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Btw, what does the best friend she cut off have to say. That's also very suspicious.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

Canada75 said:


> No, she won't get help. I don't think she is mental I think she is depressed, confused, and having a mid life crisis.
> She is a very loving mother and my son would never be in danger. If there was someone else she would of ended by now.....completely. I am not a plan B, she is just really going through something that she doesn't even understand. I do think she feels guilt about the hurt she has caused me, and my son. I do know her, and you don't. It is not an act, and you looking from the outside have no idea what your talking about.


Depression is a mental problem, she needs to seek professional help. Is your son safe in her care? 

It is very hard to let go, but you are only making yourself hurt more by holding on to someone you has moved on, she is scared to move on too that is why she keeps you in limbo land.


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## Canada75 (Jan 15, 2017)

Chaparral said:


> Btw, what does the best friend she cut off have to say. That's also very suspicious.


I'm done getting involved in her affairs....so to speak. Not my problem. I am polite and friendly but I am done asking questions, done telling her what she means to me, done trying to get her back. I am just taking care of me....and my son. After that, not much. We will see what the future holds, together as a family or apart. I want the former but at this point it isn't up to me. If by chance I meet someone along the way, so be it. Everything happens for a reason. I don't see my self growing old with anyone else, but we will see. I'm in a holding pattern I suppose, a self imposed holding pattern. I could go get all the lawyers I want, break things off and get on with things but I'm not close to that at the moment and I am fine with that. Got my son, my dog, my house and a good job....there is only one part missing and that will resolve itself one way or another.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Canada75 said:


> Haven't been on in awhile as nothing really new. As far as I know there is no one else. Came to a head last Saturday with her telling me she doesn't think she will be back. She said she is going through a crisis and can't deal with anything. Has cut her one friend off as she can't deal with her life problems as well. I said you have just locked yourself in this condo and the only person you let in your bubble is our son. She said she knows but is alright with that. I said you keep telling me "I don't think" "I don't Know" "I'm not sure" and said I have been living in limbo for over 2 months and you haven't told me anything. I asked again if she has been seeing anyone or in any kind of relationship and again the answer was no. I pushed a bit more and she said I don't want you to live in limbo. I asked does that mean it is over and she said yes. I got up and said great, thanks for telling me and walked out as she called my name out.
> Next day she dropped my son off and I told her we need to get a lawyer to figure our finances out and she already knew of a place that did separation arbitration in town. I said I will pack her stuff up in boxes and she can pick it up. She called my bluff and asked if she could take a few things now....I said no, not now. I went right back in to denial.
> Texted her on the Monday and just said hi.
> We texted a bit and she finally said I don't really know what to say to you. I love you and like talking to you, but that is all I can seem to handle at the moment That was her smiley face, not mine. Since then, no mention of what went on over the weekend.
> ...



I know the automatic response of many is that she is cheating or wanting to cheat however it could also be a mid life crisis of sort - this happens to may women when they are about to hit menopause.

How old is your wife? I would suggest if she is above 40 that you read as much as you can on perimenopause and menopause it can be a very uncertain and trying time for a marriage.

Your best bet is to remain calm, proceed with a lawyer, let her know you will not be kept hanging around, that you love her but are willing to let her go is she refuses to reengage in the marriage.

She should get IC to sort her feelings and you both ought to consider MC before you consider divorcing, but there has to be a clear deadline in place so that you can do what you need to do.

There is lots of stuff on the internet about peri-menopause and marriage.

Example
Will Your Marriage Survive Menopause? | HealthyWomen


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Canada75 said:


> Haven't been on in awhile as nothing really new. As far as I know there is no one else. Came to a head last Saturday with her telling me she doesn't think she will be back. She said she is going through a crisis and can't deal with anything. Has cut her one friend off as she can't deal with her life problems as well. I said you have just locked yourself in this condo and the only person you let in your bubble is our son. She said she knows but is alright with that. I said you keep telling me "I don't think" "I don't Know" "I'm not sure" and said I have been living in limbo for over 2 months and you haven't told me anything. I asked again if she has been seeing anyone or in any kind of relationship and again the answer was no. I pushed a bit more and she said I don't want you to live in limbo. I asked does that mean it is over and she said yes. I got up and said great, thanks for telling me and walked out as she called my name out.
> Next day she dropped my son off and I told her we need to get a lawyer to figure our finances out and she already knew of a place that did separation arbitration in town. I said I will pack her stuff up in boxes and she can pick it up. She called my bluff and asked if she could take a few things now....I said no, not now. I went right back in to denial.
> Texted her on the Monday and just said hi.
> We texted a bit and she finally said I don't really know what to say to you. I love you and like talking to you, but that is all I can seem to handle at the moment That was her smiley face, not mine. Since then, no mention of what went on over the weekend.
> ...


I think she just wants a divorce but doesn't want to be the bad guy. If you are so sure there is no one else just show up a few nights at her house. At this point it doesn't matter the marriage is over. She has been very unkind to you anyway, she is not a good person to have a relationship with. I have no doubt when you do move on when you meet someone else she will show up again. You would do better to see her for what she is, not a good choice.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Chaparral said:


> Btw, what does the best friend she cut off have to say. That's also very suspicious.


Agreed the best friend probably knows the scoop you should ask.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Canada75 said:


> I'm done getting involved in her affairs....so to speak. Not my problem. I am polite and friendly but I am done asking questions, done telling her what she means to me, done trying to get her back. I am just taking care of me....and my son. After that, not much. We will see what the future holds, together as a family or apart. I want the former but at this point it isn't up to me. If by chance I meet someone along the way, so be it. Everything happens for a reason. I don't see my self growing old with anyone else, but we will see. I'm in a holding pattern I suppose, a self imposed holding pattern. I could go get all the lawyers I want, break things off and get on with things but I'm not close to that at the moment and I am fine with that. Got my son, my dog, my house and a good job....there is only one part missing and that will resolve itself one way or another.


On a different note how is this affecting you son? What kind of relationship are you modeling for him? Is this what you want him to know as far as how he should allow himself to be treated because whether or not you know it you are providing an example that he will learn from.


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## Canada75 (Jan 15, 2017)

sokillme said:


> I think she just wants a divorce but doesn't want to be the bad guy. If you are so sure there is no one else just show up a few nights at her house. At this point it doesn't matter the marriage is over. She has been very unkind to you anyway, she is not a good person to have a relationship with. I have no doubt when you do move on when you meet someone else she will show up again. You would do better to see her for what she is, not a good choice.


 She is a good person and has been for 16 years. This is odd behaviour for her, but you may be right in her waiting for me to put my foot down. Showing up at her place isn't something I would do. If there is another person, which I'm sure there isn't then so be it. That is something she has to live with doing. I know it is easy to judge, but she is not all there right now. We will see what happens.


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## Canada75 (Jan 15, 2017)

sokillme said:


> On a different note how is this affecting you son? What kind of relationship are you modeling for him? Is this what you want him to know as far as how he should allow himself to be treated because whether or not you know it you are providing an example that he will learn from.


I have already contacted a child psychologist and will be setting up an appointment soon. Other then that he is fine at the moment and we both talk to him about what is going on and how he is feeling. He is in the loop and knows everything. 
As far as the example goes, that is my problem and not yours and I will deal with that when the time comes. 
Stop trying to make me feel bad for trying to get my family back together. It is important to me to try and get us back to a place that we can all heal together. If it doesn't work, I will be able to sleep knowing I did everything in my power to try and save my family. I am dedicated to them, even after she checked out. I don't chuck someone away I have been with for 16 years because she is having some sort of crisis/depression etc. She may, but that isn't me. She needs help, and I will stand my her and be the anchor for my family till she has either gotten help, met someone else, or served me with papers of some sort. Until then I am good at the moment and play it day by day.


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## Canada75 (Jan 15, 2017)

sokillme said:


> Agreed the best friend probably knows the scoop you should ask.


I don't care to ask, and wouldn't anyways. Her friend wouldn't tell me anything anyways. It isn't about what she knows or doesn't. My wife has left, and is having some sort of mid life crisis. I know where this is most likely headed but that doesn't mean I just give up.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Canada75 said:


> I don't care to ask, and wouldn't anyways. Her friend wouldn't tell me anything anyways. It isn't about what she knows or doesn't. My wife has left, and is having some sort of mid life crisis. I know where this is most likely headed but that doesn't mean I just give up.


I have heard several husbands try to justify their wives wrong behaviour by claiming its a 'midlife crisis'. I guess it makes you and them feel better, but we cant put everything that happens down to that just because they are a certain age. One man I know said this, and his wife wasn't even 40. 

If she really is depressed then she would surely seek professional help.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Canada75 said:


> I have already contacted a child psychologist and will be setting up an appointment soon. Other then that he is fine at the moment and we both talk to him about what is going on and how he is feeling. He is in the loop and knows everything.
> As far as the example goes, that is my problem and not yours and I will deal with that when the time comes.
> Stop trying to make me feel bad for trying to get my family back together. It is important to me to try and get us back to a place that we can all heal together. If it doesn't work, I will be able to sleep knowing I did everything in my power to try and save my family. I am dedicated to them, even after she checked out. I don't chuck someone away I have been with for 16 years because she is having some sort of crisis/depression etc. She may, but that isn't me. She needs help, and I will stand my her and be the anchor for my family till she has either gotten help, met someone else, or served me with papers of some sort. Until then I am good at the moment and play it day by day.


I am not trying to make you feel bad I am asking is getting the family back at all cost the right thing to do, at least when you have been in limbo for so long. This can't be healthy to you. If she really is having a depression crisis she needs mental health care. Doing nothing is not going to solve it.


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## Canada75 (Jan 15, 2017)

sokillme said:


> I am not trying to make you feel bad I am asking is getting the family back at all cost the right thing to do, at least when you have been in limbo for so long. This can't be healthy to you. If she really is having a depression crisis she needs mental health care. Doing nothing is not going to solve it.


no sh*t, tell her that:wink2:


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Canada75 said:


> no sh*t, tell her that:wink2:


Your inaction is reinforcing that. At least ask the friend. She may have more info, then you can make a clear choice without as much guilt.


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## Canada75 (Jan 15, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> I have heard several husbands try to justify their wives wrong behaviour by claiming its a 'midlife crisis'. I guess it makes you and them feel better, but we cant put everything that happens down to that just because they are a certain age. One man I know said this, and his wife wasn't even 40.
> 
> If she really is depressed then she would surely seek professional help.


She doesn't think there is anything wrong with her. She won't get help, she hates talking to people about herself and has told me no to a MC because of that as well. In the next breath she is telling me that everything overwhelms her and she can't handle anything at the moment. She is in hiding till it goes away.....it is like she went from a 40 something to acting like a child. Crossing her arms and holding her breath. Her mood depends on which way the wind is blowing that day.
I am just sitting back at this point and enjoying the ride.....until we run out of track!!


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## Canada75 (Jan 15, 2017)

sokillme said:


> Your inaction is reinforcing that. At least ask the friend. She may have more info, then you can make a clear choice without as much guilt.


Her friend would have zero info, my wife does not talk about anything to do with herself....gets that from her family.I have made my choice, family being together is my ultimate goal. If it doesn't happen, well I tried. Life goes on but I'm not giving up just yet. Perhaps if she would stop telling me she loves me....but even then, who knows.
I have already started readying the book, When the Relationship Ends just in case!!


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Diana7 said:


> If she really is depressed then she would surely seek professional help.


They rarely seek help, once in the grips of depression the depressed person further isolates themselves and fall farther into the depressed state. The depression becomes the new normal for them. Until they have lost everything or on the verge of losing everything they languish in the depression and often even losing it all doesn't push them to seek help, it only reinforces the depression. 

If these changes in her behavior are related to menopause that can take years.


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## Seasong (Mar 1, 2012)

.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Canada75, I mentioned perimenopause/menopause and you seem to have let that one slip by. Have you considered it at all? It can play havoc with marriages, relationships and for some women it can be sheer hell. She doesn't know whether she is coming or going.

Too often the medical community put it down to depression, etc and hope to treat it with Xanax, etc. Husbands think wives are just being difficult. She sounds like a prime candidate.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

honcho said:


> They rarely seek help, once in the grips of depression the depressed person further isolates themselves and fall farther into the depressed state. The depression becomes the new normal for them. Until they have lost everything or on the verge of losing everything they languish in the depression and often even losing it all doesn't push them to seek help, it only reinforces the depression.
> 
> If these changes in her behavior are related to menopause that can take years.


I had severe clinical depression for many years in the past. Believe me I felt SO dreadful and desperate, I sought all the help I could get. Unless she is in her late 40's or older I doubt this has anything to do with the menopause, and even if it was, there are many ways she can get help for that as well.


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

If she is have depression and mental issues, she *COULD* be a danger to your son.

This could be an exit situation. As buying a condo *IS NOT* a way to spend a while to sort things out. Going to her sisters for a week or so = sorting things out. By doing this, and going for divorce... this creates the "break up" which would allow a respectable new MAN in her life to come along.

This is why it IS important to know for sure if SHE IS cheating on you or not. Cheaters may sometimes cut-off friends who are against the affair. If you don't bother to find out, and 3 months from now - you find out she just happened to start dating Donald, marketing VP. Well, it's not cheating since you are divorcing. But then you may always wonder. Then your son is hanging around this guy who might have broken up your marriage. Because Donald is making good money and while its okay for him to date a co-worker, it would get him fired if he's having an affair with a married woman. HUGE DIFFERENCE!

When my wife was cheating on me. She was at tears "I don't know what's going on in my head. I'm trying to work things out" and things got worse.

Ask yourself... Do you want your child, being co-raised by the guy who helped break your marriage? If she just has a mental issue, can it be dangerous? Therapy should be a requirement of some sort.
If any of this concerns you, then you'll need to be sure and then we'll help you find out.

PS: Its also possible that she had an affair with someone, who won't go to the next level with you married to her. So he puts her on PAUSE until divorce process starts. So she moves out and is torn between two worlds in her own limbo. Hence, you'll need to do research months before the move-out. Think people don't do thing kind of thing? You'll be surprised.

Her words have little value... just as it was odd for her to move out. These are red flags.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Canada75 said:


> She doesn't think there is anything wrong with her. She won't get help, she hates talking to people about herself and has told me no to a MC because of that as well. In the next breath she is telling me that everything overwhelms her and she can't handle anything at the moment. She is in hiding till it goes away.....it is like she went from a 40 something to acting like a child. Crossing her arms and holding her breath. Her mood depends on which way the wind is blowing that day.
> I am just sitting back at this point and enjoying the ride.....until we run out of track!!


She doesn't make sense because she isn't telling the truth. Mid life crisis has been debated here ad nauseam. So much so that I don't believe in it anymore either. Leaving a husband is common. Leaving a child is unconscionable.

You discount our opinions but this has played out thousands of times here. Your wife is following a well worn script. You're simply playing a common script of denial also.

Could you be correct? Yes of course but the odds are worse than 100 to 1.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

By the way, do you have a copy of the 180? Some of the points of the 180 that seem so minor are actually the most important, for example not discussing the relationship with her and being cheerful and good natured around her. She needs to believe you are doing great and getting along just fine. Treat her like a friendly postman but impersonal. Her problems are no longer your concern.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Canada75 said:


> I have already contacted a child psychologist and will be setting up an appointment soon. Other then that he is fine at the moment and we both talk to him about what is going on and how he is feeling. He is in the loop and knows everything.
> As far as the example goes, that is my problem and not yours and I will deal with that when the time comes.
> Stop trying to make me feel bad for trying to get my family back together. It is important to me to try and get us back to a place that we can all heal together. If it doesn't work, I will be able to sleep knowing* I did everything in my power to try and save my family. *I am dedicated to them, even after she checked out. I don't chuck someone away I have been with for 16 years because she is having some sort of crisis/depression etc. She may, but that isn't me. She needs help, and I will stand my her and be the anchor for my family till she has either gotten help, met someone else, or served me with papers of some sort. Until then I am good at the moment and play it day by day.





Canada75 said:


> *I don't care to ask, and wouldn't anyways.* Her friend wouldn't tell me anything anyways. It isn't about what she knows or doesn't. My wife has left, and is having some sort of mid life crisis. I know where this is most likely headed but that doesn't mean I just give up.


Bull ****. You can't even be bothered to pick up a phone and ask a question.


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## Canada75 (Jan 15, 2017)

Nucking Futs said:


> Bull ****. You can't even be bothered to pick up a phone and ask a question.


I talked to her friend at the beginning and she wasn't helpful. They still talk once in awhile, but calling her and bugging her would only cause a backlash from my wife. It would do more harm then good.


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## Canada75 (Jan 15, 2017)

Chaparral said:


> By the way, do you have a copy of the 180? Some of the points of the 180 that seem so minor are actually the most important, for example not discussing the relationship with her and being cheerful and good natured around her. She needs to believe you are doing great and getting along just fine. Treat her like a friendly postman but impersonal. Her problems are no longer your concern.


Check!! 
Was just re-reading it and I am doing most of them if not all of them. I do send her a small text once in awhile but just to say hi and sometimes that is all I say....or about our son. Other then that, I am just putting all the effort I use to put towards trying to get her back and shifted it all to my son. We have tried new things together and have a great time every weekend. I was actually shocked that I do pretty much all of them. It is hard, but that is when I call a friend instead of her.


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## Canada75 (Jan 15, 2017)

Chaparral said:


> She doesn't make sense because she isn't telling the truth. Mid life crisis has been debated here ad nauseam. So much so that I don't believe in it anymore either. Leaving a husband is common. Leaving a child is unconscionable.
> 
> You discount our opinions but this has played out thousands of times here. Your wife is following a well worn script. You're simply playing a common script of denial also.
> 
> Could you be correct? Yes of course but the odds are worse than 100 to 1.


She has left me and we split our son between the two places. I don't discount everyone's opinion but some would cause more harm then good at this point. I don't doubt I am in denial of some sort but it is a roller coaster ride at the moment and I will try and deal with the ride as long as I can to try and show her that I'm not giving up on her.


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## golfpanther (Nov 30, 2016)

Canada75 said:


> Check!!
> Was just re-reading it and I am doing most of them if not all of them. I do send her a small text once in awhile but just to say hi and sometimes that is all I say....or about our son. Other then that, I am just putting all the effort I use to put towards trying to get her back and shifted it all to my son. We have tried new things together and have a great time every weekend. I was actually shocked that I do pretty much all of them. It is hard, but that is when I call a friend instead of her.


Stop with those texts that just say "hi." I did the exact same thing for the first few months after my wife left and it never helped. Recently, she did that to me twice and it made me angry and upset as well. It comes off as baiting contact (which it probably is every time) and weak. You said that it's all you send "sometimes"—what else do you text her besides those regarding your son?

If your goal is to reconcile the texts are one surefire way to undermine your efforts. The 180 obviously isn't guaranteed to work either but it will, if nothing else, help get you out of this desperate limbo state. Almost everyone on here as likely been in that position and there is nothing worse.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I wish all the depression excuse psychobabble were true. That this is just something that can be fixed and you get your wife back.
It doesn't work like that for anyone else, it won't work for you.

You are absolutely in denial of reality. Every man who has had this happen goes into denial. You don't want your whole future, your dreams of a family to be totally f'd up. Who would?

The only thing you can do is move on with your life totally, in every way. Call it the 180 if it makes you feel better. Force yourself to forget her. I don't think she will ever be back. But if she does have feelings for you, the only thing that will ever change her mind is the thought of losing you, and the reality of it actually happening. You can't change her mind. She has to change it. They so rarely change their minds, it's not even worth talking about.

You don't want to hear this, but any hope you have of acing your marriage is what will keep you miserable, and prevent saving it.

Give up the hope, and start hoping for a NEW future, NEW dreams. This will get you healthy and more in control of your own feelings and life. You being mentally healthy might attract her back. But don't think about it that way. Get healthy by moving on, and you can better handle whatever becomes of your marriage.

Are you willing to give up hope?
No? Then you are screwing yourself in the worst way possible.

You have to give it up, bro. Really.


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## Canada75 (Jan 15, 2017)

Evinrude58 said:


> I wish all the depression excuse psychobabble were true. That this is just something that can be fixed and you get your wife back.
> It doesn't work like that for anyone else, it won't work for you.
> 
> You are absolutely in denial of reality. Every man who has had this happen goes into denial. You don't want your whole future, your dreams of a family to be totally f'd up. Who would?
> ...


I know...I know....I'm almost there. Seems like one step forward two steps back. It is hard to give up hope on anything, let alone a marriage and family.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

Evinrude58 said:


> The only thing you can do is move on with your life totally, in every way. Call it the 180 if it makes you feel better. Force yourself to forget her. I don't think she will ever be back. But if she does have feelings for you, *the only thing that will ever change her mind is the thought of losing you, and the reality of it actually happening*. You can't change her mind. She has to change it. They so rarely change their minds, it's not even worth talking about.
> 
> You don't want to hear this, but any hope you have of acing your marriage is what will keep you miserable, and prevent You have to give it up, bro. Really.


That's why people said "no contact" except for the child turnover. No texts, coffees, dinners. Nothing.

Unless your child is at the ER, nothing.

She won't miss you if you aren't gone.


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## Canada75 (Jan 15, 2017)

o.k, So what happens when she texts me next? I did a few weeks of no contact and nothing really happened. Then we seemed to get right back into texting again. My last text she thanked me for being there for her and I basically said I will always be there for you and she could lean on me while going through difficult times in life. I know....I know it makes no sense as I hold her hand while she is leaving me......and I know I can't nice her back.... But how do I just go back to no contact after saying that to her....silly question I know. If she asks whats going on, or if everything is o.k...what do I say....nothing. Or do I just say I'm done being there for you while you are leaving me...do I say I've given up hope on you coming back and have no more faith and am ready to move on....Or do I say I'm done and want to proceed with your plan on seeking a separation agreement. I'm confused....My birthday is next week and I already told her not to buy me anything which she already did, I saw it while picking my son up and I took it home with me. I said thank you but please don't buy me anything else. Texts are one thing, what about phone calls. She may be calling about our son....voicemail I suppose. I'm trying to wrap my head around everything, and am trying to come to terms of it ending but find it hard not to care....or to give up hope. If it goes ahead, it will ruin us financially which she doesn't seem to understand. 
I may have to sell the house as I can't afford it on my own. So there is a lot to care about.......fu*k this sucks.
I know she has treated me like sh*t, and i should start getting angry about that......alright....let's do this. 
Will keep you updated!!


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Canada75 said:


> o.k, So what happens when she texts me next? I did a few weeks of no contact and nothing really happened. Then we seemed to get right back into texting again. My last text she thanked me for being there for her and I basically said I will always be there for you and she could lean on me while going through difficult times in life. I know....I know it makes no sense as I hold her hand while she is leaving me......and I know I can't nice her back.... But how do I just go back to no contact after saying that to her....silly question I know. If she asks whats going on, or if everything is o.k...what do I say....nothing. Or do I just say I'm done being there for you while you are leaving me...do I say I've given up hope on you coming back and have no more faith and am ready to move on....Or do I say I'm done and want to proceed with your plan on seeking a separation agreement. I'm confused....My birthday is next week and I already told her not to buy me anything which she already did, I saw it while picking my son up and I took it home with me. I said thank you but please don't buy me anything else. Texts are one thing, what about phone calls. She may be calling about our son....voicemail I suppose. I'm trying to wrap my head around everything, and am trying to come to terms of it ending but find it hard not to care....or to give up hope. If it goes ahead, it will ruin us financially which she doesn't seem to understand.
> I may have to sell the house as I can't afford it on my own. So there is a lot to care about.......fu*k this sucks.
> I know she has treated me like sh*t, and i should start getting angry about that......alright....let's do this.
> Will keep you updated!!


Don't answer her texts. Your her emotional crutch, when she wants, you run to her. When her emotional needs are met it's right back to her living her own life. All these Lil texts just keep you attached and strung along and aren't productive to repairing your marriage. It's just her making sure you aren't going anywhere. 

It's not your job to be at her beck and call or your job to "win" her back.


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## Canada75 (Jan 15, 2017)

honcho said:


> Don't answer her texts. Your her emotional crutch, when she wants, you run to her. When her emotional needs are met it's right back to her living her own life. All these Lil texts just keep you attached and strung along and aren't productive to repairing your marriage. It's just her making sure you aren't going anywhere.
> 
> It's not your job to be at her beck and call or your job to "win" her back.


So if asked in person a simple I can't do this anymore it isn't healthy and I need to start taking care of myself should suffice??


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Tell her that you have realized you need to detach and heal, that you cannot do that while in personal contact with her, and that she should only contact you when it has to o with the children and business matters related to the separation. Then you simply stop answering any text that isn't to do with those 2 things.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Keep it short and business like. Reread the advice you got here. Does the 180 say something about always being there? In other words you hanging on like snot on a door knob.

If it comes up good naturedly tell her your sure her next boyfreind will take good care of her.

You simply don't understand that she can't miss you if your hanging on or that people want what they can't have. On top of that it helps you disconnect from someone that doesn't want you but enjoys stringing you along.

Assume she already has someone (it at least explains things and he's probably married man b her actions) and they are laughing at your attempts to break up their true love.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

At the moment you are giving such mixed messages.

I would say, 'please don't contact me again unless its urgent and about our son and it cant wait till we exchange visitation'. 
When you see her to collect your son, keep it as short as possible, polite but distant and don't offer any more. 

When my husband and his ex were separated and she was divorcing him, she kept on contacting him about all sorts of things, expecting him to help her out and do things for her. In the end he had to be firm and say no more contact unless it was an emergency concerning their sons. 
In your case you could say this and add, 'or unless you want to come home'. You are enabling her behaviour at the moment.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Http://talkaboutmarriage.com/reconciliation/221290-day-one.html

Bottom line.............she moved out, she likes it, she is divorcing you. Move on quickly for your son and you.

If she even hints at suicide call 911 so fast her head spins.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Canada75 said:


> So if asked in person a simple I can't do this anymore it isn't healthy and I need to start taking care of myself should suffice??


Yes, explain it this way. You left and went your own way. I have to do the same in order to move on with my life. Being friends, staying in contact for whatever reason just keeps me back. I must move on with my life now like you have.

Sorry, but that's what I need to do.


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## Canada75 (Jan 15, 2017)

O.k....her is a new one. I have noticed her missing me hence the texts back and fourth and she seems to be coming around I'll be it slowly. But I will keep it no contact for the time being. 
When we talked last week she said if I wanted our son to stay over on her scheduled day that would be o.k as it was my birthday. I said whatever she thought, but whatever she decided I wanted to pick him up and go out for dinner with him. I can either drop him off after or he can stay with me. 
She called about 30 mins ago (i have my son today), I didn't pick up. 10 mins later she texted me asking if she could join us for my birthday dinner. Keep in mind I feel she is slowly coming around....I know....I know but I feel almost scared to say no. Obviously I want her there, but I know I need to try and stick with the NC. Any thoughts on a reply text?? Should I ask her why she wants to come??
What to do, what to do. Like I said one step forward two steps back. I have not been angry or harsh with her so any response should be civil please.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Thank her for offering to come celebrate with you and that you would prefer to spend the day with just your son as you have realized you need to detach to begin healing. Keep it polite, short, and to the point.


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## Canada75 (Jan 15, 2017)

MJJEAN said:


> Thank her for offering to come celebrate with you and that you would prefer to spend the day with just your son as you have realized you need to detach to begin healing. Keep it polite, short, and to the point.


What if this is her way of trying to reconnect somehow?? It was an unexpected request and all week we have had some good communication. That is why I asked if I should ask her why.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Canada75 said:


> *What if this is her way of trying to reconnect somehow??* It was an unexpected request and all week we have had some good communication. That is why I asked if I should ask her why.


It's not.

It's nothing more than an attempt to keep you on the line as a solid Plan B of things don't work out w/ her Plan A.

Plan A being her boyfriend.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Canada75 said:


> What if this is her way of trying to reconnect somehow?? It was an unexpected request and all week we have had some good communication. That is why I asked if I should ask her why.


As a parent, you are teaching your child that actions have consequences, yes? You need to teach your wife the same thing. She needs to learn that the consequences of her actions involve losing your friendship, missing special days, etc.

Either she'll miss you and ask for reconciliation or she'll realize she is actually happier this way and you'll be on the path to healing.


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## Canada75 (Jan 15, 2017)

MJJEAN said:


> As a parent, you are teaching your child that actions have consequences, yes? You need to teach your wife the same thing. She needs to learn that the consequences of her actions involve losing your friendship, missing special days, etc.
> 
> Either she'll miss you and ask for reconciliation or she'll realize she is actually happier this way and you'll be on the path to healing.


k....how do I respond to the text, keeping in mind all last week we have been closer. Now I just say no. Not sure I can. I need something to say. Thinking of just asking her why she wants to be there and go from there.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Canada75 said:


> What if this is her way of trying to reconnect somehow?? It was an unexpected request and all week we have had some good communication. That is why I asked if I should ask her why.


If she wants to reconnect she will tell you she wants to work on the marriage and the relationship with you. 

Your trying to play mind reader and feeding hope. Just tell her you want to spend a nice evening with your son, if she doesn't like it maybe she shouldn't have moved out.

Your micro managing every decision you make right now and we've all done it. Your marriage/divorce doesn't rest on her going to dinner with you tonight. So turn off your phone and go enjoy a nice dinner with your son.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)




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## Canada75 (Jan 15, 2017)

honcho said:


> If she wants to reconnect she will tell you she wants to work on the marriage and the relationship with you.
> 
> Your trying to play mind reader and feeding hope. Just tell her you want to spend a nice evening with your son, if she doesn't like it maybe she shouldn't have moved out.
> 
> Your micro managing every decision you make right now and we've all done it. Your marriage/divorce doesn't rest on her going to dinner with you tonight. So turn off your phone and go enjoy a nice dinner with your son.


How about this as a response.......You are sending me mixed signals, are you done or would you like to start working on things? If you don't want to start discussing ways of trying to work out the issues and repair our marriage then I think it best we just go by ourselves. It would give (sons name) and myself false hope if you are there when you don't want to be with me anymore.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Canada75 said:


> Haven't been on in awhile as nothing really new. As far as I know there is no one else. Came to a head last Saturday with her telling me she doesn't think she will be back. She said she is going through a crisis and can't deal with anything. Has cut her one friend off as she can't deal with her life problems as well. I said you have just locked yourself in this condo and the only person you let in your bubble is our son. She said she knows but is alright with that. I said you keep telling me "I don't think" "I don't Know" "I'm not sure" and said I have been living in limbo for over 2 months and you haven't told me anything. I asked again if she has been seeing anyone or in any kind of relationship and again the answer was no. I pushed a bit more and she said I don't want you to live in limbo. I asked does that mean it is over and she said yes. I got up and said great, thanks for telling me and walked out as she called my name out.
> Next day she dropped my son off and I told her we need to get a lawyer to figure our finances out and she already knew of a place that did separation arbitration in town. I said I will pack her stuff up in boxes and she can pick it up. She called my bluff and asked if she could take a few things now....I said no, not now. I went right back in to denial.
> Texted her on the Monday and just said hi.
> We texted a bit and she finally said I don't really know what to say to you. I love you and like talking to you, but that is all I can seem to handle at the moment That was her smiley face, not mine. Since then, no mention of what went on over the weekend.
> ...


She needs psychiatric (*not* psychological!) evaluation, in my opinion.

I am not 100% convinced that it is safe to allow your son to stay with her. She seems too unstable, really. Visitation should be supervised, also.


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## golfpanther (Nov 30, 2016)

Canada75 said:


> o.k, So what happens when she texts me next? I did a few weeks of no contact and nothing really happened. Then we seemed to get right back into texting again. My last text she thanked me for being there for her and I basically said I will always be there for you and she could lean on me while going through difficult times in life. I know....I know it makes no sense as I hold her hand while she is leaving me......and I know I can't nice her back.... But how do I just go back to no contact after saying that to her....silly question I know. If she asks whats going on, or if everything is o.k...what do I say....nothing. Or do I just say I'm done being there for you while you are leaving me...do I say I've given up hope on you coming back and have no more faith and am ready to move on....Or do I say I'm done and want to proceed with your plan on seeking a separation agreement. I'm confused....My birthday is next week and I already told her not to buy me anything which she already did, I saw it while picking my son up and I took it home with me. I said thank you but please don't buy me anything else. Texts are one thing, what about phone calls. She may be calling about our son....voicemail I suppose. I'm trying to wrap my head around everything, and am trying to come to terms of it ending but find it hard not to care....or to give up hope. If it goes ahead, it will ruin us financially which she doesn't seem to understand.
> I may have to sell the house as I can't afford it on my own. So there is a lot to care about.......fu*k this sucks.
> I know she has treated me like sh*t, and i should start getting angry about that......alright....let's do this.
> Will keep you updated!!


While I don't have a child with my STBXW, your situation is so close to mine it makes me sad. Really, it's probably close to a lot of people on this site.

I'll relate a story of something I went through a little over a month into our separation because I think it might help you see how being there for your wife right now isn't wise and will likely set you up for a fall. 

My STBXW got into a hit and run and she was still covered on the car insurance I maintain. She called right afterwards to get some info and said she had been on the side of the road crying. I offered to pick her up, she declined and for the next 3 weeks (the length of time she was without a car) we texted back and forth a lot about the incident. How scared it had made her, how she couldn't believe someone would do that to her and how badly it sucked to be without a car. The entire time, I was compassionate, understanding and listened to her every worry and complaint.

And just like your wife, she thanked for being there for her, and just like you I told her I would always be there. What happened? As soon as she got her car back she returned to sending hurtful and painful texts and sending every confusing message imaginable. I'd been there when she needed me and then when she didn't, the behavior reverted to how disappointed and upset she was about the relationship; a relationship she felt the need to end. I was left holding an empty bag of hope that I thought had been filled by being supportive. Hope that she would return because I'd shown her how valuable I was, but I'd only enabled her dependency on being there when she needed me.

I'm not saying your wife will do the same, but for your own sake you can't allow yourself to be her emotional support system while you're separated.

In terms of how to handle it, send an email (or text if you prefer, but email is better imo) clearly outlining the types of conversations you can have with her while separated. Those should be: 1. Divorce related 2. Reconciliation 3. In regards to your son. That's it.

Once I did this, while her communication attempts about other things didn't stop completely, it did become more to the point. Has it gone completely away? Hell no, I'm five months into the separation and a month and a half after she filed the divorce papers and fresh off attempts by her to bait me into conversation within the last two weeks.

I've slipped up, and so will you, we're only human and sometimes emotion overrides reason. Anger can be healthy for you right now; it will help you move past limbo and detach from her so she can realize this action has the consequence of losing you. Don't channel it unhealthy ways obviously, but use it to focus on your mistreatment. Make it about you and your son right now.

With phone calls, don't pick up unless you know the context of the call going in. You should probably include something in the email about how calls will go unanswered unless you know what you're getting into.

Look, I know how scary this all is. Change of this magnitude reshapes you as a person. In another post you mentioned how things are going better between you two, and that's great. But sometimes, and I speak from experience, I would think things were going in a positive direction (relative to what I wanted) with my STBXW only to have that snatched away the very next week. That's why letting her know what's what and trying your best to detach is critical. Even if you end up back together, you'll both need to heal and that takes time.

I'm not recommending giving up hope, but store it away somewhere in your mind and try not to fixate on it.

Hope it gets better for you.


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## Canada75 (Jan 15, 2017)

MattMatt said:


> She needs psychiatric (*not* psychological!) evaluation, in my opinion.
> 
> I am not 100% convinced that it is safe to allow your son to stay with her. She seems too unstable, really. Visitation should be supervised, also.


Thank you for your concern but my son is safe.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Canada75 said:


> O.k....her is a new one. I have noticed her missing me hence the texts back and fourth and she seems to be coming around I'll be it slowly. But I will keep it no contact for the time being.
> When we talked last week she said if I wanted our son to stay over on her scheduled day that would be o.k as it was my birthday. I said whatever she thought, but whatever she decided I wanted to pick him up and go out for dinner with him. I can either drop him off after or he can stay with me.
> She called about 30 mins ago (i have my son today), I didn't pick up. 10 mins later she texted me asking if she could join us for my birthday dinner. Keep in mind I feel she is slowly coming around....I know....I know but I feel almost scared to say no. Obviously I want her there, but I know I need to try and stick with the NC. Any thoughts on a reply text?? Should I ask her why she wants to come??
> What to do, what to do. Like I said one step forward two steps back. I have not been angry or harsh with her so any response should be civil please.


If she is beginning to miss you(and isn't just bored and lonely), then you playing it cool and saying no to this will surely make her miss you more. 

You could just say, 'I need to get used to being on my own with him so that's not a good idea'. or 'our son needs to get used to the fact that we are no longer together'.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Canada75 said:


> How about this as a response.......You are sending me mixed signals, are you done or would you like to start working on things? If you don't want to start discussing ways of trying to work out the issues and repair our marriage then I think it best we just go by ourselves. It would give (sons name) and myself false hope if you are there when you don't want to be with me anymore.


Absolutely not. Its begging. Tell her sure, come to dinner, just make it amicable and quit acting like a puppy dog begging for a bone. Then actually start the 180. Mind the details of the 180. Shes friend zoning you.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

BTW, you can make it plain to her its not a date. That will get her attn.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Canada75 said:


> How about this as a response.......You are sending me mixed signals, are you done or would you like to start working on things? If you don't want to start discussing ways of trying to work out the issues and repair our marriage then I think it best we just go by ourselves. It would give (sons name) and myself false hope if you are there when you don't want to be with me anymore.


 @Canada75 Jmo,with the info that you've provided here,it's easier for me to think depression. Your earlier use of the term 'emotional hibernation' really resonated with me,as I've gone through similar myself. Not saying that depression is definitely the case,but if it is,then here are some tips that may help. Numbers 4 and 5 seem to be where you are at present. I feel bad for you in your struggles and hope things work out for the best for your family. Take care.

13 usually unspoken tips if your loved one struggles with depression.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Canada75 said:


> How about this as a response.......You are sending me mixed signals, are you done or would you like to start working on things? If you don't want to start discussing ways of trying to work out the issues and repair our marriage then I think it best we just go by ourselves. It would give (sons name) and myself false hope if you are there when you don't want to be with me anymore.


Shes wanting to be friends on her terms. This is extremely weak on your part. You either cut contact or get breadcrumbs. Mr Nice Guys get walked on. Are you always like this?

Read this please 
http://r.search.yahoo.com/_ylt=AwrB..._Guy.pdf/RK=0/RS=wXDbU6.KAYlS.soDD3lLjLtczb8-


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

She wants space give it to her. 

You should understand that when you chase they move farther away.

You can't make her do anything but you'd better fix your issues.

Strength is attractive. If not you'll linger like a puppet on a string.

How have you liked it so far? If you change nothing, nothing changes.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Here you go C75:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-...326665-separated-wife-only-wants-friends.html

Now, I am not blaming his wife at all. The OP was at fault in his relationship and readily admits it. I want you to see someone else who was seeing signs, not moving forward, hanging on to every little tidbit of emotional scraps and living in limbo with HOPE.

There are 3 reasons the above thread is important:
1) She told him it was over.
2) She proves it by the end of the thread.

The third and most important reason is he has been in limbo for 10 months. It is long so, just read his posts. Just make sure you finish the thread.


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## Canada75 (Jan 15, 2017)

I texted her........I think under the circumstances that it would be best if (son's name) and I just celebrated my Birthday. I don't want to confuse or get (son's name) hopes up. 

Simple and short.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Canada75 said:


> I texted her........I think under the circumstances that it would be best if (son's name) and I just celebrated my Birthday. I don't want to confuse or get (son's name) hopes up.
> 
> Simple and short.


Well done.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Canada75 said:


> She doesn't think there is anything wrong with her. She won't get help, she hates talking to people about herself and has told me no to a MC because of that as well. In the next breath she is telling me that everything overwhelms her and she can't handle anything at the moment. She is in hiding till it goes away.....it is like she went from a 40 something to acting like a child. Crossing her arms and holding her breath. Her mood depends on which way the wind is blowing that day.
> I am just sitting back at this point and enjoying the ride.....until we run out of track!!


Brain tumor?

This jumped into my mind.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Canada75 said:


> I texted her........I think under the circumstances that it would be best if (son's name) and I just celebrated my Birthday. I don't want to confuse or get (son's name) hopes up.
> 
> Simple and short.


Nice job. This says "I'll be fine without you". Marriage has to be 50/50 you can't fix this on your own. If you chase them they flee. The opposite attracts.

Read the link "No More Mr Nice Guy" it's short and will help reinforce the new you.

Don't be surprised at the response you're about to get. Keep your. Boundaries up. No contact unless she wants to work with you on the marriage.

Spending time alone will make you a better person no matter how this turns out just use the time wisely. Always look and smell your best around her but cut the engagement


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

I would make sure she understands if this goes to D you're not family anymore. No shared holiday, birthdays, etc. in order for you to have a good life she has to be separated out of it. Otherwise the static involved will just wreck any future relationships.


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

Canada75 said:


> k....how do I respond to the text, keeping in mind all last week we have been closer. Now I just say no. Not sure I can. I need something to say. Thinking of just asking her why she wants to be there and go from there.


you DON"T respond to her text...EVER! Unless your son is in the hospital.......You just don't get it.


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## eric1 (Apr 10, 2015)

Canada75 said:


> I texted her........I think under the circumstances that it would be best if (son's name) and I just celebrated my Birthday. I don't want to confuse or get (son's name) hopes up.
> 
> 
> 
> Simple and short.




That was perfect because it's the truth. Good job


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

I am with Gus on this one.

IMO, there is another guy. OP is being stretched out as Plan B

However, everytime Canada steps up, he steps back big time.

He is resigned to a life in limbo unless he takes care of his codependency problem.

I would suggest the book by Melodie Beattie "Codependent No More"

It has helped many people shake the abuse they receive when they think falsely that they are being 'chivalrous" 

I feel badly for him but we can't act on his part. Only he can


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