# Is this all my fault?



## legiox (Sep 2, 2012)

My wife moved out last week (took everything she owned with her) and gave me the usual "I love you, but not in love with you" line and told me she is unhappy.

I'm 29 years old and I do have my share of issues. I think I need to break down and face the fact I have a video game addiction prior to her moving out. I would spend quite a while on it all the while ignoring her. I see what i did wrong and I want to go fix it somehow someway, if at all just to better myself. 

She also states I don't help around the house much. Maybe It's from me being a single child and having everything pretty much given to me. I have worked hard to fix this problem and prior to her moving out, I thought I was making huge strides with myself to help her in areas around the house.

She also tells me I'm overly obsessive with the things she does. For example: She asked me what time i would be getting off work. I told her i would be home by 12am (worked night shift). I asked her what time she would be home and she stated before i get off work. So i was thinking at the latest 12am. Well 12am rolls around and i pull into apt parking lot. I don't see her car and wait until 12:30am to give her a call (give time from leaving friends house to coming home). I call her and ask her where she is at, and she stated she is still at friends house and not ready to come home. She considered me calling her and asking where she is at as an obsessive person. Am i that really?

Those are really the 3 things she doesn't like. 

Now for her

She is 26 years old and we both moved to the town she is going to school to help on gas and commute times. She works at a restaurant and is around mainly single people at work. She does have 1-2 friends that are married, but the rest of the people she associates with are single. 

She like to hang out at her married friends house for sometimes it feels like 7+hours. For example: We would both come home at 4pm and she would go directly to her friends house and stay there until maybe 10pm at night. Of course she invites me, but i just got off work and really don't feel like hanging out with people for that long amount of time. 2-3 hours is ok in my book, but staying passed 10pm is pushing it. 

She has come home early in our marriage with alcohol on her breath, and i have put her on the box once where she blew a .5 BAC. I sat her down and told her the slippery slope she is going down, but she didnt listen and about 3-4 months later she got a DWI. She told me the only reason why she drove that night (coming back from a party) is b/c she knew i would not pick her up, which is a lie. I

I love her and want to be back together, but i feel her hanging around mostly single people and married friends that i believe are to much into our personal business is killing our marriage. Her friend, which she is living with right now i feel gets way to much into our business like i stated before. She tried to be a Dr. Phil type person, when she needs to mind her own business. 

I don't know what to do. She is 26 and just working at a restaurant and nowhere close to finding a good "steady" job. I 29 and have a good steady income and work for the state. 

I recently acquired my Pilots license in the hopes of becoming a commercial helicopter pilot for the state. She is against it, but i keep telling her I'm doing it to possibly open up more money to us and give us a better future. It seems though all she wants is to live near the beach, regardless of what job she is going to be holding. She is basically hell bent on living at the beach. 

I have a great opportunity to receive this job in the near future with great pay and hours. This has been a dream of mine and since she is still trying to figure out what she wants to do with her life, i feel she can follow me until she gets a good job. Did i do the wrong thing?

Now she agreed to marriage counseling tomorrow i don't know how this will go, b/c i haven't spoken to her since last week. I just feel her friends are egging her on in the wrong ways on our marriage.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

If she's staying at "friends" for long hours and driving back drunk, this spells the presence of posOM.

You need to know what you're dealing with before any advice here will make sense.

If she has another man, you need to crush the affair right now - before it goes too far.


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## legiox (Sep 2, 2012)

Everybody keeps saying that, but i have no clue. She is telling me she is not seeing anybody and i believe her. I really don't want to go psycho on her figuring out if she is. Her friends and even her long time friend from back home (more than 10 years) told me she be very surprised if she is having an affair b/c she is to nice of a person to do that. I don't know.

Her driving back drunk happened about 2-3 years ago (been together 4). She has done better in the department, but now it seems like when she goes to her friends house she is staying over there an abnormal amount of time. Maybe it's b/c she is unhappy being with me and staying over there for an escape? I dont know.......

We don't have any kids btw and just live in a apartment.


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

legiox said:


> My wife moved out last week (took everything she owned with her) and gave me the usual "*I love you, but not in love with you" line and told me she is unhappy.
> *red flag!
> I'm 29 years old and I do have my share of issues. I think I need to break down and face the fact I have a video game addiction prior to her moving out. I would spend quite a while on it all the while ignoring her. I see what i did wrong and I want to go fix it somehow someway, if at all just to better myself.
> 
> ...


DUDE, I hate to break it to you. There is someone else. Read any of the posts on this forum about this and you will see the same signs, over and over again. And I am not sure I have read one yet that hasn't turned out that the SO wasn't having an affair. 

Do yourself a favor and read up on the 180, read it, learn it, live it! It seems counter intuitive but it works, not always with an R but it will make you a better person afterward!


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

legiox said:


> Everybody keeps saying that, but i have no clue. She is telling me she is not seeing anybody and i believe her. I really don't want to go psycho on her figuring out if she is. Her friends and even her long time friend from back home (more than 10 years) told me she be very surprised if she is having an affair b/c she is to nice of a person to do that. I don't know.
> 
> Her driving back drunk happened about 2-3 years ago (been together 4). She has done better in the department, but now it seems like when she goes to her friends house she is staying over there an abnormal amount of time. Maybe it's b/c she is unhappy being with me and staying over there for an escape? I dont know.......
> 
> We don't have any kids btw and just live in a apartment.


This very post has been said so many times in one form or another in all of these threads, all part of the "script"


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## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

Sbrown said:


> DUDE, I hate to break it to you. There is someone else. Read any of the posts on this forum about this and you will see the same signs, over and over again. And I am not sure I have read one yet that hasn't turned out that the SO wasn't having an affair.
> 
> Do yourself a favor and read up on the 180, read it, learn it, live it! It seems counter intuitive but it works, not always with an R but it will make you a better person afterward!


^This. You need to dig for information, dude. Affair behavior is so script-like it is eery.


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## legiox (Sep 2, 2012)

Was afraid of that......I really don't know why she decided to move out without first seeking counseling. I pay about 99.9% of all bills between the both of us. Car insurance/Cell Phone/apartment...you name it. I don't see how she will live on her own working the job she is doing without help.


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## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

legiox said:


> Was afraid of that......I really don't know why she decided to move out without first seeking counseling. I pay about 99.9% of all bills between the both of us. Car insurance/Cell Phone/apartment...you name it. I don't see how she will live on her own working the job she is doing without help.


This is why you need to figure out if there is a posOM. Check her email and phone records. 

When you find out someone is in the picture. Then you stop financing her. You DO NOT pay for someone to have an affair.

Then you file for D and do the 180. Whether you want her back or not.


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## legiox (Sep 2, 2012)

Sorry if i found out she is having an affair im showing her the D. Once a cheater, always a cheater in my book.

Thanks for advice though. I'm having a hard time. I know i have my faults, but i consider myself a good person with a good personality and never angry.


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

legiox said:


> Was afraid of that......I really don't know why she decided to move out without first seeking counseling. I pay about 99.9% of all bills between the both of us. Car insurance/Cell Phone/apartment...you name it. I don't see how she will live on her own working the job she is doing without help.


Do you really want her to stay for financial reasons?


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## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

legiox said:


> Sorry if i found out she is having an affair im showing her the D. Once a cheater, always a cheater in my book.


Then get snooping now. When you find the evidence, and I believe you will, cut her off and go dark.

And, prepare for a full on attack from her about how controlling and unfair you are being. Don't fall for it.

She wants her freedom from you. Well then you give her what she wants. She doesn't get the benefits of being you wife as long as she is sleeping with someone else.


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## legiox (Sep 2, 2012)

Sbrown said:


> Do you really want her to stay for financial reasons?


No i don't. I just love her and want it to work. Maybe I am living on false hope. I guess tomorrow will tell. If she is having an affair i just want her to come clean so i can get to moving on with my life. I hate these roller coaster emotions. 

I feel like i have failed myself and my marriage. I know im only 29 years old, but i just don't want people thinking im a bad person b/c of this problem we are having.


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## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

legiox said:


> If she is having an affair i just want her to come clean so i can get to moving on with my life.


Highly unlikely that she is going to come clean. The vast majority of cheaters continue to deny even when the evidence is placed right before them.

You have to find out for yourself. You expose. Cut her off. Then go dark.

Seems counterintuitive but is your only chance to bring her back or move forward.

Do otherwise, and you become her backup plan.

And if you choose that route, well, welcome the land of limbo hell and disrespect.

Time to find your balls, chief.


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## legiox (Sep 2, 2012)

spun said:


> Highly unlikely that she is going to come clean. The vast majority of cheaters continue to deny even when the evidence is placed right before them.
> 
> You have to find out for yourself. You expose. Cut her off. Then go dark.
> 
> ...


I understand. Thanks for the straight up responses on the matter. Better you being this straight forward than BS'ing me about "how it could be or could have been." I'm just glad we don't have kids or a house can't imagine how that feels.


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

legiox said:


> No i don't. I just love her and want it to work. Maybe I am living on false hope. I guess tomorrow will tell. If she is having an affair i just want her to come clean so i can get to moving on with my life. I hate these roller coaster emotions.
> 
> I feel like i have failed myself and my marriage. I know im only 29 years old, but i just don't want people thinking im a bad person b/c of this problem we are having.


DO NOT EVEN BOTHER TO MENTION IT TO HER! SHE WILL ONLY ADMIT TO WHAT YOU CAN PROVE. It is called trickle truth. Please read some threads on here. If you want proof you will have to find it! Can you check her phone records for one or two numbers that seem to dominate her call/text list? Does she guard her phone, is it password protected? 

Since she has moved out already, key loggers and a VAR in her car might be impossible. Do you have funds for a PI? If not do you have a close friend that might be able to watch her for a few days?


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## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

legiox said:


> I understand. Thanks for the straight up responses on the matter. Better you being this straight forward than BS'ing me about "how it could be or could have been." I'm just glad we don't have kids or a house can't imagine how that feels.


Legiox, many of us here are going to give it to you straight.

You will get amazing advice and support here. We have all been through this hell. We know the signs. What works. What does not work. Use this collective knowledge. You have the advantage of being here early on in your separation.

Don't beat yourself up. You carry some of the blame for your marital issues. But, you did not go outside of your marriage. If you wife is involved with another man, she chose to cheat, when there were other options.


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