# FB Etiquette



## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

I have an admittedly petty question about facebook. I know I should just drop this but it's bugging me and I'm curious how others would feel.

Over the summer, my husband's friend from college was visiting our area after being gone for years for medical school. He introduced us to his girlfriend and we all hung out a few times. My H and I spent roughly the same amount of time with them as we were usually all hanging out together.

Just before she left, the girlfriend sent my H a friend request on FB but not me. I am NOT jealous or concerned about cheating or anything like that. It just hurt my feelings that she would send it to him and not me. It seemed a little rude IMO. But I basically let it go. 

Yesterday she commented on my H's picture and he responded back and now it's brought it all back up again. Would this really annoy anyone else? I've mentioned that it hurts my feelings to my H but he doesn't really know what to do about it and thinks I'm being a little silly to let it bug me so much.

Again, this is NOT a concern about anything untoward going on. I have full access to H's facebook and no concerns about that. I just think it's rude to friend request one spouse and not the other, especially when you know them equally well.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

My personal feelings about Friending, Unfriending, liking, unliking, all that Facebook crap by definition is petty 

In the interest of full disclosure, I am not, nor have I ever been a Facebook user.


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

It is petty. I know that. But if you felt (right or wrong) that someone had been rude to you, wouldn't you be annoyed if your spouse was really nice and friendly to that person? I feel like I'm out on that island alone and I'm annoyed that my husband doesn't get it. But I don't know how to say that to him without sounding like a crazy person. Maybe I am. I'll let it go eventually but I'm afraid it will bug me every time they have any interaction and I have to see it thrown in my face.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Why don't you send her a friend request?


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

SunnyT said:


> Why don't you send her a friend request?


I could and she would probably accept it but that's not really the point. The point is that she hurt my feelings by sending one to my H and not to me. It felt like a snub that she would exclude me when we hung out together just as much as she did with my H. Friend requesting her now only adds salt to the wound.


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## LoveLonely (Dec 8, 2013)

SunnyT said:


> Why don't you send her a friend request?


I second this.


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## CouldItBeSo (Mar 11, 2013)

It sounds like she has something on her mind. Maybe your husband is in it and acting clueless maybe not.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LoveLonely (Dec 8, 2013)

justonelife said:


> I could and she would probably accept it but that's not really the point. The point is that she hurt my feelings by sending one to my H and not to me. It felt like a snub that she would exclude me when we hung out together just as much as she did with my H. Friend requesting her now only adds salt to the wound.


Okay, so maybe this IS petty. However, it is making you feel bad, and your feelings are NOT petty. Based on what I am reading, your husband is supportive. BOTH of you need to carefully watch the situation. I am not suggesting that something bad is going to happen. What I AM suggesting is that, if other behaviors happen that show a pattern, then your husband needs to stand up and not tolerate disrespect; he needs to protect you. I don't see that he needs to do anything right now, but you both need to be a team and keep a watchful eye on the situation. My two cents.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

I would be annoyed too. As one married person to another, the married couple should be viewed as a unit. Single people don't understand this. For example if I was the GF I would have friend requested BOTH of you because your a unit and more importantly I wouldn't want the wife to think I was coming on to her husband! 

I wouldn't friend request her, that might look to needy or jealous. You could have your husband remind her of your name(if you use your maiden one) so she can friend request you.

Kudos to your husband for very transparent!!!

Beyond this I wouldn't worry, maybe your husband's friend will have a new flavor of the week soon.:lol:

Btw I have a FB account and hate all the darn drama. I have a very small friends list because I don't everyone knowing my business and I get people mad at me cause I won't accept their friend request....


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

I have a friend who has a joint FB account with his wife. Both of their names are listed. Maybe that's an option for you. Of course when they post something you never know who's posting it, but just thought I'd throw that out there as an option.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

I have a love-hate thing going with FB. Lots of drama with friend request-snubs, pictures of friends at parties you weren't invited to, annoying political posts, etc. But I do like the ease of communicating with friends, sharing of pictures, etc. If you're gonna do Facebook, just make sure you have your spouse's password. And your kids.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Drama comes of your own making. 

You feel snubbed. So now you don't want to be her "friend". So let it go, and don't be friends. You and H do not have to have all the same friends. 

If you don't want drama, and don't want to feel petty.... then let it go and just don't.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I would be concerned about this as well. If FB were not in the middle of it, the only way you would figure this out is when the girlfriend starts calling your husband either at work or on his cellphone to make plans as if you were the lucky unmarried partner who might be your husband's date for the evening, ergo, she felt no need to coordinate with you.

Then it's all downhill from there.

So, no FB issues are not petty. In my view, they are early warning signals. 

But I would say, don't hassle your husband about it again. Send the woman a friend request. If she ignores after a week or two, send her and your husband's friend a PM asking why she has not responded. A little transparency among the 4 of you might be a good idea. If your husband asks about it, say in an offhand manner, I already mentioned the issue to you.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

You could have sent a friend request as soon as she requested your husband. You could have also sent her one before she sent one to your husband. 
Send one to her husband....see how that goes over.
Facebook jumped the shark long ago.


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

justonelife said:


> I have an admittedly petty question about facebook. I know I should just drop this but it's bugging me and I'm curious how others would feel.
> 
> Over the summer, my husband's friend from college was visiting our area after being gone for years for medical school. He introduced us to his girlfriend and we all hung out a few times. My H and I spent roughly the same amount of time with them as we were usually all hanging out together.
> 
> ...


Sorry, but I don't think you're being petty. This would annoy me too. I wouldn't bother sending her a friend request as she's not friendly. Just keep an eye on things.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

over20 said:


> *I would be annoyed too. As one married person to another, the married couple should be viewed as a unit.* Single people don't understand this. For example* if I was the GF I would have friend requested BOTH of you because your a unit and more importantly I wouldn't want the wife to think I was coming on to her husband! *


 I would feel the same ... *I would feel slighted*.... I wouldn't make an issue out of it... but it would be noticed....

And as a wife...I am sure I would mention it to my husband -joking a little...(not his fault!)..."Why are you so special and I ain't nothing"...I'd surely add .... "maybe she wants you" and tease a little........ this has never happened to us, by the way...even the lady at his workplace, she friend requested me when she did my husband....this is respectful and I get to know her a little better too, even though I never see her...It fosters friendship and good faith.

Both of us trust each other -with whom we are friends, and so often share comments back & forth....I wouldn't think having these feelings are "petty" though, just normal......how we may handle it may come off like that though...

If there is nothing to worry about , I wouldn't worry....But for FB Etiquette... yeah.. I would be careful & mindful to never request a husband & not his wife -if we knew them both ... That seems a no brainer to me personally...

There are many wives who do not even allow their husbands to have female friends, a guy my husband works with is like this, if he gets any requests, or she finds a female on his page... she goes in and deletes them... No snubbing will come her way, she eliminates before it can happen !


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## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

over20 said:


> I would be annoyed too. As one married person to another, the married couple should be viewed as a unit.


I've had a similar situation and I just sent the chick a friend request. That way, she knows I'm watching.


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

Well I'm glad to know that I'm not the only one that would be bothered by this. Again, I'm not worried about my H doing anything wrong but I was a little annoyed when I saw her comment to him and he responded in a friendly manner. If someone was rude to my H, I wouldn't be overly nice to that person. Mostly I ignored it because it was forgotten but when his picture and her comments show up in my newsfeed, I can't help but be annoyed all over again. At least this helped me get my feelings off my chest so that I hopefully won't take it out on H. He didn't do anything wrong other than maybe be slightly too nice to someone that I felt was rude to me, although she probably didn't do it intentionally.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

The best way to deal with facebook is not to have facebook. But if it is a must, a single account would prevent a lot of grief. 

I would never trust a single woman reaching out to my husband. Period.


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## damagedgoods1 (Nov 8, 2013)

I would definitely be bothered by this. I had kind of the opposite happen to me. My husband and I spent equal time with a dating couple. The girlfriend sent me a friend request but not my husband. I think she did it to keep an eye on me as I am a long time platonic friend of her boyfriend. I have nothing to hide so I accepted.
In your scenario, I would send her a friend request and if she doesn't accept within 2 weeks, I would access your husband's FB account and unfriend her.


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

justonelife said:


> Well I'm glad to know that I'm not the only one that would be bothered by this. Again, I'm not worried about my H doing anything wrong but I was a little annoyed when I saw her comment to him and he responded in a friendly manner. If someone was rude to my H, I wouldn't be overly nice to that person. Mostly I ignored it because it was forgotten but when his picture and her comments show up in my newsfeed, I can't help but be annoyed all over again. At least this helped me get my feelings off my chest so that I hopefully won't take it out on H. He didn't do anything wrong other than maybe be slightly too nice to someone that I felt was rude to me, although she probably didn't do it intentionally.


Maybe I'm too suspicious, but it seems intentional to me. You're too nice. Would you have done the same thing in the same situation? Probably not. I smell a rat. 

Maybe, as another poster said, you should send a friend request and see what happens... Or could you and your husband share a facebook page? 

I don't like facebook for precisely this reason!


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

No, I don't think you're being petty. The friend should have either 'friended' both of you, or neither. I can't imagine 'friending' one of my SO's male friends, but not his SO - particularly if I was IRL friends with her, too.

FB seems to be a source of so many irritations these days - frankly, I think it's best left to teens and singles.


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## Davelli0331 (Apr 29, 2011)

Ha ha ha, yet another example of how FB has radically changed our social interactions. As if human interaction weren't already screwy and fraught with enough peril.

And yes, this whole thread reads like an episode of Seinfeld.

Quick question, how old are you and your H? I ask bc there's a bit of an age difference between my W and I. I'm a super geek type but I certainly didn't grow up with social media, whereas my W did. There tends to be a large difference in how we both use FB.

For us old fogies that didn't grow up with it, we get all horrified and indignant and start yammering about boundaries when this sort of thing happens, but for younger people that grew up with it, they don't even think of it that way. Those kinds of thoughts just don't enter their minds, though certainly I'm not saying that it isn't an avenue for infidelity.

I can understand your feeling snubbed, however, I'd also advise to either send the girl a friend request or just get over it. If you trust your H and have full access, then I think you're probably fine either way.

Also, I'd ask myself really and truly why you're upset about it. You keep talking about feeling snubbed but you also make passing references to feeling a bit of resentment at your H for not sticking up for you a bit more.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

We dropped facebook for a lot of the reasons listed above. We decided no social media. Too much drama. If someone wants to be in our lives, they already are. Facebook "friends" are often nothing of the sort. 

I would feel slighted as you are. In fact, I've been in that situation, where gf didn't un-friend the ex-bf for four months after we got together. It's just not a healthy environment for a relationship, to have these thorns sticking out. 

I recommend one account to all couples, if you hvae to be on fb or myspace or wherever. Total transparency and it shows the rest of the world that you two are ONE, and anything said to one can and will be known by the other.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

The dual account idea is great but a little difficult when people have been on fb for quite a while and are used to it being their own space.

As for your feelings of being slighted, I do not think they are petty at all. Just because something is said or done on social media does not make it petty and pointless, it is still people interacting with people. I would see this as if she saw the two of you and said 'hello' to your partner but not to you, then proceeded to only have conversations with him. It is rude. In that situation I would want to ask DH to unfriend her and I'd consider dropping the friendship altogether. I'm not sure if I'd actually go that far, but that is my reaction.


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## Gonnabealright (Oct 24, 2013)

My fb experience. My stbxw would originally complain about our relationship problems on fb. She also had her maiden name on there for some time. She did fix the name and stop complaining publicly. She is ten years younger then me too and I didn't grow up with fb. 

I've heard a few good suggestions. Friend request her and make sure you have complete access to all of his fb and he has access to all your information or get a joint account. 

You two need to have a discussion on why you want to do this. There is nothing wrong with you wanting transparency and hopefully your husband wont fight you on it. Before my stbxw cheated, she hated sharing her personal information with me. It later ended up being a character flaw that I did not recognize before we got married. She liked her privacy. I wasn't fully aware of what that meant in a marriage. Of course the reason why she liked her privacy was because she was doing things that hurt me. I am not a highly suspicious man and I did trust my wife, however if I felt insecure about a situation I like to be able to debunk my suspicions openly with my wife. 

There is no other reason as to why a person would not give all information access for a spouse to see. The only reason, even if they are not doing anything that could hurt their spouse at the time, is for the option to be able to hide information in the future. Again, something I've learned with my experience.


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## CouldItBeSo (Mar 11, 2013)

richie33 said:


> Send one to her husband....see how that goes over?


justonelife do this and watch their reaction.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

richie33 said:


> Send one to her husband....see how that goes over.


Brilliant! I'm tucking this one away for future reference.


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

For those suggesting that we combine FB accounts or get rid of it altogether, I'm not totally opposed to that. This is really the first time I've had an issue with FB and since we've both had our own accounts for several years (we are both 34 and just got married 18 mos ago), it's hard to change it now. But perhaps I'll broach that topic with my H. 

He has given me full transparency so again I'm not worried that anything suspicious is going on. It's just that my feelings got hurt. We both have separate friends on FB but those are people we either knew before we met or people that we know separately (co-workers, etc). We met this woman at the same time, so I see that as somewhat different. We were both "equal" friends with her. It would be like inviting my H to a party but not including me. I'm kind of left with "what's wrong with me??" feelings and rude when dealing with a married couple.

And yes, to be honest, if it was just about her I would let it go. She's gone back home (which is in Europe, I'm in the US) so it's not like she has any impact on my life. But I'm also annoyed that my H has contact with someone that hurt my feelings, no matter how innocent the contact might be.


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

CouldItBeSo said:


> justonelife do this and watch their reaction.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ha! I wish I could but I was already FB friends with her bf before we met her. So that's already water under the bridge. Maybe I should start posting comments on his pics though.... :smthumbup:


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

Gotta love facebook. Its has to be like the number one killer of marriages. 

I would ask your husband to remove her from his facebook. What she did is not something a decent person would do so I think your not out of bounds for asking her to be removed. 

Surround yourself with good people and have far less stress. 

Sure it probably cuts down on the friends list but maybe that is not such a bad thing.

Clay


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

It might be fun for a while to comment on her bf's pics, etc, but long term probably not the greatest strategy. But what the heck do I know? This gal in Europe probably doesn't have a clue your husband has transparency. Maybe she's keeping him in her back pocket for the next trip, who knows? I'm naturally and always suspicious, however. That may not apply to your situation.


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## damagedgoods1 (Nov 8, 2013)

If your husband has over 500 friends (which is extremely common today), then I would just access his account and remove her WITHOUT SAYING ONE SINGLE WORD. I would bet that he won't notice he has 585 friends instead of 586 friends.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

damagedgoods1 said:


> If your husband has over 500 friends (which is extremely common today), then I would just access his account and remove her WITHOUT SAYING ONE SINGLE WORD. I would bet that he won't notice he has 585 friends instead of 586 friends.


Wow, I only choose to have 71. I probably should inactivate it.:scratchhead:


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## damagedgoods1 (Nov 8, 2013)

over20 said:


> Wow, I only choose to have 71. I probably should inactivate it.:scratchhead:


No, it just means that you would notice if you suddenly had only 70 friends.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

over20 said:


> Wow, I only choose to have 71. I probably should inactivate it.:scratchhead:


Lol, I have even less than that.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

damagedgoods1 said:


> No, it just means that you would notice if you suddenly had only 70 friends.


:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

breeze said:


> Lol, I have even less than that.


:smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup:


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

If you go so far as to remove the friend, block her too. Lest you see her back there in a few days, and him giving you questioning looks.


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

That's not a bad idea either but if he ever did notice, he would probably have a pretty good idea about how it happened since I've complained about her. It would be satisfying but not really the type of relationship I want to have with my H. I don't want to sneak around behind his back messing with his accounts and give him a reason to regret giving me full access/transparency.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

doubletrouble said:


> If you go so far as to remove the friend, block her too. Lest you see her back there in a few days, and him giving you questioning looks.


Yes!!!! :lol: I actually unfriended a female because of the gossip issue, but I didn't have anything against her husband, who I could have kept on my list,but I knew that would spell trouble. Do you know they won't even talk to me? I mean I think some adults look at it like a high school popularity contest. How many FB friends they can accumulate is like part of their ego? IDK


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## damagedgoods1 (Nov 8, 2013)

justonelife said:


> That's not a bad idea either but if he ever did notice, he would probably have a pretty good idea about how it happened since I've complained about her. It would be satisfying but not really the type of relationship I want to have with my H. I don't want to sneak around behind his back messing with his accounts and give him a reason to regret giving me full access/transparency.


That's great you're taking the high road. If I were caught, I would blame Facebook and pretend it was a glitch. "I heard there was a security breach at Facebook last week..." Perhaps I would unfriend a few others as well, just to make my story more believable.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

damagedgoods1 said:


> That's great you're taking the high road. If I were caught, I would blame Facebook and pretend it was a glitch. "I heard there was a security breach at Facebook last week..." Perhaps I would unfriend a few others as well, just to make my story more believable.


:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:

You crack me UP:toast:


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

OMG I think I have to log out..:rofl::rofl:....Maybe we should both inactivate our FB...:rofl::rofl:


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

damagedgoods1 said:


> That's great you're taking the high road. If I were caught, I would blame Facebook and pretend it was a glitch. "I heard there was a security breach at Facebook last week..." Perhaps I would unfriend a few others as well, just to make my story more believable.


Yes, I'm trying to do the right thing but it's hard. 

My problem is trying to figure out how to explain my feelings to H without sounding like a whiny teenager ("She hurt my feelings so you can't be friends with her either!") or figuring out how to just let it go so that it doesn't drive me crazy every time I see her name pop up in a comment (which is rare).


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Please OP don't follow the advice of logging into his account and defriending this woman and blocking her. All you will look like in the end as insecure and controlling. Your husband shouldn't have to be put through a sh*t test because of this.


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## Sandfly (Dec 8, 2013)

justonelife said:


> I have an admittedly petty question about facebook. I know I should just drop this but it's bugging me and I'm curious how others would feel.
> 
> Over the summer, my husband's friend from college was visiting our area after being gone for years for medical school. He introduced us to his girlfriend and we all hung out a few times. My H and I spent roughly the same amount of time with them as we were usually all hanging out together.
> 
> ...


Facebook is a work of the devil. It won't add to your pool of real friends, but it will certainly thin the ranks of the ones you have.

Look at the effect a mere friend request has had on you... it's not worth it surely.


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## Davelli0331 (Apr 29, 2011)

I guess I'm just not seeing the real issue here. I mean I get that you feel snubbed, I would too, but hurt feelings to the point of mildly entertaining the idea of messing with his FB behind his back?

I could understand this level of obsession if you were suspicious of cheating, but you've made clear that's not the case. This whole thing is sounding more childish as this thread goes on.


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

justonelife said:


> Yes, I'm trying to do the right thing but it's hard.
> 
> My problem is trying to figure out how to explain my feelings to H without sounding like a whiny teenager ("She hurt my feelings so you can't be friends with her either!") or figuring out how to just let it go so that it doesn't drive me crazy every time I see her name pop up in a comment (which is rare).


You know I think honesty is really the hardest things sometimes in a relationship. Seems we all want to find a easier way of telling the person we love something uncomfortable. You really should not doubt yourself in how you feel about things and how you relay this information to him. He sounds like a really good guy I bet if you just told him it bothers you he would probably understand and leave it at that. 

Clay


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## pink_lady (Dec 1, 2012)

justonelife said:


> If someone was rude to my H, I wouldn't be overly nice to that person.


This is what stands out to me ^.

I would talk with your H very frankly about it and tell him how you feel. Not because this incident is a huge big deal but simply because it's an opportunity to talk about loyalty within marriage.

I think I would send her a request, and if she doesn't accept it within a certain time, as someone else suggested, he should delete her.

(I would have thought this was crazy back before I was married.)


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

pink_lady said:


> This is what stands out to me ^.
> 
> I would talk with your H very frankly about it and tell him how you feel. Not because this incident is a huge big deal but simply because it's an opportunity to talk about loyalty within marriage.
> 
> ...


Yes, the more I think about it, this is really what is bugging me. The fact that I feel like my H is being nice to someone that was outright rude to me and I'll try to frame it this way when I talk to him. I've sent a friend request to her, we shall see what happens. If she accepts it and I get annoyed seeing her in my newsfeed, I can always hide her later.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Maybe she just wants to get more info from H, the life long friend. Simply curious about her bf's past.

I get that you know him too but guys know more about guys.

Still, if this is the case, your H should not be party to this.

Bottom line - he should defriend. (Not you and yes it's disrespectful - intentional or not)


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## JohnC_depressed (Dec 6, 2012)

I honestly hate FB. I know it can't make people do things that they might otherwise have done anyway, but it seems to have had many negative consequences in society even beyond marital issues (e.g. cyber bullying etc....)


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

walkonmars said:


> Maybe she just wants to get more info from H, the life long friend. Simply curious about her bf's past.
> 
> I get that you know him too but guys know more about guys.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

This could be the case, but she can't expect her BF's buddy to fill her in on the BF's past. That could have the potential to jeopardize their friendship, IMO.

I have to say, there are women out there who actually get a kick out of this sort of thing, and can cause no end of trouble in relationships. I had ('had' being the operative word) a friend who actually told me she loves subtly "putting things out there" to make other women jealous, then 'innocently' sitting back and watching the sparks fly.

It's a pity, really, that the OP has sent the GF a friend request, because it might have been better if her H had simply put her on limited profile, ignored all comments from her and blocked her from chat.


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

Cosmos said:


> It's a pity, really, that the OP has sent the GF a friend request, because it might have been better if her H had simply put her on limited profile, ignored all comments from her and blocked her from chat.


I probably shouldn't have and I can always defriend her later but I'm mostly curious to see what she will do. If she doesn't accept, then I have more justification to my H that she did this on purpose and he should defriend her.


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## damagedgoods1 (Nov 8, 2013)

The thing is that in marriage you have to pick your battles. If the OP goes to her husband every time someone rubs her the wrong way, then it could be perceived as petty. If the OP gets offended once in a blue moon then the discussion is taken more seriously.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

damagedgoods1 said:


> The thing is that in marriage you have to pick your battles. If the OP goes to her husband every time someone rubs her the wrong way, then it could be perceived as petty. If the OP gets offended once in a blue moon then the discussion is taken more seriously.


True, but I think things like this do need nipping in the bud...


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I too would feel slighted - it's rude. 

In that situation I would have requested both of you, or you first...then your H.

Last year, my husband and I weren't yet married but were living together with his daughter and were very much a family. We got a christmas card addressed to the two of them, but I wasn't mentioned.

It went in the bin 

And please, do NOT hack your H's acc and delete this woman, that's an invasion of his privacy and he's done nothing wrong.


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## Latigo (Apr 27, 2011)

I say squash it HARD, squash it NOW!!! The same thing happened to me when my wife and I first got on FB. Some people very close to her and her family (who know me pretty well btw), "friended " her and not me. They are FB friends with her bros new spouse and even some of my wife's cousins who they have never met, but not me! I was vocal about how unimpressed I was. I was slighted and I wanted her to acknowledge it. I played it cool, but told her if boundaries were crossed there would be trouble. Sure enough. One particular person forced my hand and I had to message him AND his wife and told them both to get bent! If you are interested in how this thing can spiral out of control you can read some of my threads from way back. I don't blame you for feeling the way you do. It burned my a$$ too when it happened to me. But, it opened up a dialogue that lead to the setting of some very firm boundaries.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

Sandfly said:


> Facebook is a work of the devil. It won't add to your pool of real friends, but it will certainly thin the ranks of the ones you have.
> 
> Look at the effect a mere friend request has had on you... it's not worth it surely.


The devil is a liar!!!! Take me to church Sandfly. Anyways I completely agree that there are a lot of people that are overly sensitive to facebook. I've noticed that my wife's SAHM friends take a lot of facebook stuff personally. Not responding to a face book message or not liking a cute picture of someone's kid often results in people taking it personally. Ridiculous in my opinion. Kind of like the folks on TAM that expect an OP to respond to posts immediately. People have lives!!!


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## sh987 (Oct 10, 2013)

ReformedHubby said:


> The devil is a liar!!!! Take me to church Sandfly. Anyways I completely agree that there are a lot of people that are overly sensitive to facebook. I've noticed that my wife's SAHM friends take a lot of facebook stuff personally. *Not responding to a face book message or not liking a cute picture of someone's kid often results in people taking it personally.* Ridiculous in my opinion. Kind of like the folks on TAM that expect an OP to respond to posts immediately. People have lives!!!


It wouldn't hurt if more people realized that, just because you adore your kid, it doesn't necessarily mean that everybody else does either.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

> ReformedHubby;6210753]The devil is a liar!!!! Take me to church Sandfly. Anyways I completely agree that there are a lot of people that are overly sensitive to facebook. I've noticed that my wife's SAHM friends take a lot of facebook stuff personally. Not responding to a face book message or not liking a cute picture of someone's kid often results in people taking it personally. Ridiculous in my opinion. Kind of like the folks on TAM that expect an OP to respond to posts immediately. People have lives!!!


Except a large number of pepes on FB. They either live out their fantasies there or clearly don't have time for real lives at all:-

"Oooh, sorry I'm neglecting everyone. I'm soooo busy having sooo much fun these days! At a party right now having the most amazing time!!"

10 minutes later...

"Just ate some amazing sushi. Sushi rocks!"

5 minutes later...

"I'm so blessed to have so many amazing friends! Life just gets busier and busier, folks!"

5 minutes later...

"I'm laughing so much my mascara's starting to run! LOL"

10 minutes later...

"Why are people so jealous when I'm having such an awesome time?"

5 minutes later...

"OK... Ignore me then... I have no time for haters!"


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## sh987 (Oct 10, 2013)

Cosmos said:


> Except a large number of pepes on FB. They either live out their fantasies there or clearly don't have time for real lives at all:-
> 
> "Oooh, sorry I'm neglecting everyone. I'm soooo busy having sooo much fun these days! At a party right now having the most amazing time!!"
> 
> ...


I have a FB account which I check every every week or two. No messages? Move along...

I'm like davelli: long time "computer guy" whose time pre-dates the widespread use of the internet. Starting in the late 80s, I used to connect to local BBS boards, and my favorites were the ones which subscribed to newsgroups. Did lots of chatting there. So, by the time the internet and the web became a thing, this was old-hat stuff for me.

But social media? I don't really get it. I don't have this need to photograph the supper we cooked and show it to everybody on my "friends" list. Even that is poorly named, as it's really a contact list. We've all seen people with many hundreds of friends on there. Give me a break. I have 37 on mine, and I'm embarrassed enough that only 5 or 6 are actual friends. I had a friend request from somebody I was in grade 6 with. Seriously? Sorry for that digression...

I don't have a need to go bowling with my wife, snap 40 photos and then upload ALL of them. I don't have a need to push my political views on to everybody. I don't want to "Like" posts which are little more than chain letters in a new format: "If you're a Mom who loves her daughter, click Like."

Even then, that sort of thing is so typical.
Unattached young woman: endless pictures of herself out with her GFs. "Lookin' good!", "Pretty girls!", "Hot stuff!", etc.

When those women become mothers, their profile picture becomes that of their kid(s), replete with constant updates about the little nosepicker falling down, being sick, their birthdays, etc. In other words: look at what a great Mom I am. 

When they enter the next stage, facebook becomes a platform for the issues of the world. Sexism, activism, environmentalism, etc. It's nice, makes people feel good, and mostly does nothing to advance those issues.

Young men? A lot of worthless bragging about their sexual exploits, making fun of their friends or "I GOT SO WASTED LAST NIGHT, BRO!!!"

They get a little older and it's either endless posts about their favorite sports team, car or SFW pictures of their favorite silicon-laced pornstar.

All through this, at all ages, stages and types are the sh!t disturbers, trolls and people who use FB as their new meat market.

---

I'm not saying that I'm better than the average bear, but as far as FB goes, I'm not part of the problem... I never really got the social media thing, and don't really use it.


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## Davelli0331 (Apr 29, 2011)

FB (and social networking in general) was really cool during its early years when it was about, you know, keeping in touch with people that mattered in your life.

Now FB is little more than a wasteland of oversharing, whether it be about one's personal life or social, political, and religious views.

As such, I just don't take it seriously anymore, which is why I think people invest far more importance into FB interactions than what they're really worth.

ETA: As someone who's been in the tech industry for a long time, I think I can say with some precision that FB only has maybe 3-5 decent years left in it before it goes the way of complete irrelevance like Myspace did years ago.

And we will all look back at the FB drama and wonder wtf our problem was.

Also ETA: Not that I'm downplaying OP's problem, just commenting on the minor derail.


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

sh987 said:


> I don't want to "Like" posts which are little more than chain letters in a new format: "If you're a Mom who loves her daughter, click Like."
> 
> 
> 
> .


:rofl::rofl:


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## sh987 (Oct 10, 2013)

Davelli0331 said:


> ETA: As someone who's been in the tech industry for a long time, I think I can say with some precision that FB only has maybe 3-5 decent years left in it before it goes the way of complete irrelevance like Myspace did years ago.


I can definitely see that. FB usage among younger people has been dropping off quite a bit in the last little while. I have no idea what tech site I read it on, but did find an article about this a few months ago.

But, aside from that, spend enough time in the land of tech things, and you see them all come and go. I see no reason that FB would be an exclusion to this.


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## sh987 (Oct 10, 2013)

Omego said:


> :rofl::rofl:


Those are the posts which remind me of how FB badly needs a "Dislike" option. I can't stand those posts, where people want you to throw a "Like" their way for doing something as amazing as treating their kid well.


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## Davelli0331 (Apr 29, 2011)

sh987 said:


> Those are the posts which remind me of how FB badly needs a "Dislike" option. I can't stand those posts, where people want you to throw a "Like" their way for doing something as amazing as treating their kid well.


If the quality of my character were judged by the things I don't "Like" then I would be the lowest of the low.

My favorite is when several such post gets shared by 10 freakin people on my feed so that for the next few days that's almost all I see.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

My W has a couple of older sisters. When I say these are evil women, I really mean it; I don't say that lightly. W hasn't spoken to her oldest in 20 years. 

A couple weeks ago, the older sister posted some really vitriolic stuff on her son's FB page. Apparently their lives are drug-hazed. They live in Florida; we're in Washington, so diametrically as far away from them as we can be. Her son did some bad stuff and called his mother a chomo, some other bad names. W's daughter wrote back and advised him to keep away from toxic people, gave some good advice, and mentioned she had no respect for older sister. 

Older sister went OFF on W, of all people, and basically every evil thing SHE's done, she blamed on W. Even to the point of texting oldest brother, who already knew the truth. Twisted stories, finger pointing, vitriolic drama. W was nowhere near the conversation, except her D posted. We were dealing with the death of our family dog at the time, so the drama was really an excessive hit, even though we were no part of it. 

We don't have FB accounts. But I use that as an example of how people can say something about someone else, others get on the bandwagon, and suddenly a lie becomes truth to a group of people. It's like mass hysteria. That's the bad part of FB. 

I used to have an account. I posted pics of my travels around the world, commented on peoples' stuff, but in the end, when I deleted my account, nobody noticed. It means nothing. The people who you have in your life are not there for FB. They are there for real life. So many people are brave behind the screen (including on TAM) and say things they would never dream of IRL. Frankly, I don't know what good it is, any more.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

justonelife said:


> I could and she would probably accept it but that's not really the point. The point is that she hurt my feelings by sending one to my H and not to me. It felt like a snub that she would exclude me when we hung out together just as much as she did with my H. Friend requesting her now only adds salt to the wound.


You can't control what other people do. You have already told your hub how you feel but ultimately, it's not his fault she sent him a friend request. 

Just send her a friend request.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

sh987 said:


> I can definitely see that. FB usage among younger people has been dropping off quite a bit in the last little while. I have no idea what tech site I read it on, but did find an article about this a few months ago.
> 
> But, aside from that, spend enough time in the land of tech things, and you see them all come and go. I see no reason that FB would be an exclusion to this.


This is so true. My nieces and nephews (teenagers) hardly ever use FB anymore. It's considered passé to them now. I think once they realized how many of their parents/relatives used it, it became uncool. Lol. The ones who use it seem to be my friends, my age and people who are older. LOL. It's essnetially a virtual keep-in-touch and gossip site. A bit like reading the UsWeekly version of your social circle.


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## Davelli0331 (Apr 29, 2011)

Young folks are migrating to other social media outlets that their parents haven't discovered yet - twitter, instagram, vine, and the like.

Meanwhile FB is pretty much crap because now it's only people our age and older, the majority of which are really mad about various states of affairs and post about it ad nauseam.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Davelli0331 said:


> If the quality of my character were judged by the things I don't "Like" then I would be the lowest of the low.
> 
> My favorite is when several such post gets shared by 10 freakin people on my feed so that for the next few days that's almost all I see.


This is one reason why I have disabled certain people's news feeds on my FB account. I can check in on them every so often, or catch them in 'chat,' but no longer have to see this sort of thing on a daily basis

Oh, and don't get me started about the family member who thought it would be fun to tag an embarrassing photo of me as a gangly, gawky 14 year old bridesmaid on my FB paqe! The tag facility is, now, also disabled...


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## sh987 (Oct 10, 2013)

Cosmos said:


> This is one reason why I have disabled certain people's news feeds on my FB account. I can check in on them every so often, or catch them in 'chat,' but no longer have to see this sort of thing on a daily basis


About a year ago, I had to do that with somebody on my list. This person would post about 5 or 6 things per day about saving bears. Black bears, grizzly bears, polar bears, panda bears, you name it... These are the most majestic creatures in the world and must be saved!

And I'm fine with that.

What didn't sit so well with me is that this same woman used to go on and on about her hair was so shiny and beautiful because she (just wait) treated it with bear grease once a month.

"You're talking sh!t, and now I have to block your posts!"... One of the rare times I informed somebody I was blocking them.




> Oh, and don't get me started about the family member who thought it would be fun to tag an embarrassing photo of me as a gangly, gawky 14 year old bridesmaid on my FB paqe! The tag facility is, now, also disabled...


Another sore point for me. If my picture is to appear on the internet, *I* will decide that, thank you very much.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Cosmos said:


> *Oh, and don't get me started about the family member who thought it would be fun to tag an embarrassing photo of me as a gangly, gawky 14 year old bridesmaid on my FB paqe! The tag facility is, now, also disabled.*..


As someone who is generally the designated Photographer every where I go... I do a nice amount of tagging...One of the things I enjoy is giving away pictures... have done this my whole life... so Facebook has been a blessing , saves me the trouble of getting extra copies... many times if I am too slow uploading...I will get messages asking where the pics are..

I am careful to NOT post anything embarrassing (I think to myself, would I appreciate that??).....if any question, I would send in a private message , or not at all. 



> *sh987 said*: *Another sore point for me. If my picture is to appear on the internet, *I* will decide that, thank you very much*.


 I have used old photos on someone's B day or just to share a memory, I hope I am not looked upon like this...I would rather someone tell me how they felt -if so... It does make you wonder though. I've never had anyone get angry with me or take attitude as yet.  

Me & my husband don't mind FB at all...the crazy comments, political, debate, non of this bothers me...He makes me laugh sometimes, he reads all these things my old best friend posts to help him counter view his Brother in Law on Holidays cause they disagree on Political views... so often I say...where did you hear that...and he'll say "_______'s wall"..... I just :rofl:... You learn alot about people by reading what they THINK ....

If I was really bothered (same as I do on here)...I might jump in & offer a counter view...or even send a personal message -to help someone having a bad day...keeping it off of FB altogether.. sometimes you read something that you know -that person is going to be ridiculed really bad.. it's too personal, it's too much..

Seeing old friends, where they are now... We enjoy it... I guess we are in the minority, I don't see FB as the devil in any way.... I feel so long as a husband & wife is on the same page...talking about it all together.. and going forth, FB would be like anything else in life... just a little extra entertainment. 

If we are careful who we befriend...this goes a long long way for enjoying the Facebook experience.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Just send her a request for friendship.


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## sh987 (Oct 10, 2013)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I have used old photos on someone's B day or just to share a memory, I hope I am not looked upon like this...I would rather someone tell me how they felt -if so... It does make you wonder though. I've never had anyone get angry with me or take attitude as yet.


Ummm.

There are two levels of this for me, and all with the assumption that I wasn't asked first...

a) Upload a photo in which I appear. Annoyance.
b) Upload a photo in which I appear, and in which I'm tagged. Pissed.

This all goes out the window if we're talking about my wife uploading pictures of our family vacations, etc. She doesn't tag me, but she's free to put up what she likes without complaint from me.

But I really don't like being tagged by others.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

When my parents and I met my sister's fiance's family during a visit to their home state, I friended his direct family, not their spouses, because he is my connection to them. I doubt the spouses are going to care about the photos I post of my sister and my parents and whatnot - his parents and sisters and brothers are the ones that would care about those because they are connected to my sister.

I imagine that is what this woman did - she friended the person who is connected to her boyfriend (your hubby). 

I, personally, would not read any more into it than that. And if that happened to me, I would not feel snubbed.


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