# what is he thinking?



## HurtWithHope (Nov 21, 2016)

I haven't seen him in almost 4 months... We don't keep regular contact at all. I've had to contact him 3 times since I left him regarding figuring out logistics from moving, and chose to do it via text. So, thus far he has not reached out to me on his own. But each time I've contacted him and easily can stay unemotional and on topic because it's text, he eventually veers off to talking about us. Never he says he wants me back or anything like that, so I'm not sure what the motivation is. He'll say it was never supposed to be this way, he already misses so many things (never explicitly says that he misses me though), that he still cares "despite what I think," sorry he couldn't be a better man for me, and that he hopes one day we can talk about it. 

Each time I've contacted him has been in sort of a time sensitive manner to the reason I had to contact him, so I didn't engage him in it at all... In fact it almost frustrated me because I just wanted the info needed so I could do what I needed to do. One friend thinks he simply is trying to look like the "good guy" and save face. Another friend says he is regretting me leaving and is testing the waters of how I feel. But I think... Surely he'd have contacted me on his own at one point if that were the case?

The ominous "I hope we can talk about it sometime soon" gets to me... I almost wish I had asked him what that meant. Thing is, I'm not sure I'll have a reason to contact him about any matters anymore. Without hearing from me, might he start desperately reaching out? I'm not sure. I know he's had work and obligations that literally give him one day off and keep him super occupied, but that schedule ends in about a month. Wondering if when he has more time to breath he'll be suddenly be contacting me 

I don't know... This uncertainty of what is going through his head worries me. None of this happened with my ex husband... There was no I miss you or hopefully we can talk about it one day. It was all business and then over.

I just want to be prepared... I had felt his pride would keep him from ever feeling anything towards me again, and he'd speak ill of me to others feel better about his decision and cut me off forever just as he did about his other exes. Can you all please speculate with me as to what his motivations are? I want to emotionally guard myself. This has all been a horrible situation for me to cope with as it is.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

So that we don't have to go back and read through your threads to try to figure out why you left him, could you just tell us here in a brief, facts only post?

If you left, he probably feels like you have to lead on this. So to clear it up, why not just ask him?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

It's possible he doesn't want to appear to be a needy, clingy type of man?


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> So that we don't have to go back and read through your threads to try to figure out why you left him, could you just tell us here in a brief, facts only post?
> 
> If you left, he probably feels like you have to lead on this. So to clear it up, why not just ask him?


I agree. You are the one that left, so really the ball is in your court. 

We need more info.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Hard to say without knowing the relationship history. 

It sounds like he is trying to convey that he has remorse and regrets. But actions speak louder than words, he is saying those things but doesn't mean it or there would be more substance to his comments. 

I kind of agree with your one friend except I don't necessarily think he is trying to be the good guy but more of trying not to be the heartless guy.


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## HurtWithHope (Nov 21, 2016)

Ultimately what lead to me leaving happened all in a matter of a day... Christmas he became violent and the police were called (I didn't) and since he didn't hit me and my name wasn't on the lease, I was told I needed to leave and stay some where else safe. He was FURIOUS thinking I called the police, said he could never trust me again. I had moved far away to be with him, at that point I knew I had to someone get myself home. I had posted here when I was in the hotel scrambling to make arrangements to get out of there, feeling guilty. 

Part of the reason I moved on so easily was knowing he cuts people out of his life like it's nothing, so to hear even a remnant of care coming from him is surprising. It makes me borderline think of reconciliation... But I feel even though I left, it was his behavior that caused it. Thus the ball is in his court. But I don't even know that he's even thinking like that. I don't want to give him an emotional power over me.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

HurtWithHope said:


> Ultimately what lead to me leaving happened all in a matter of a day... Christmas *he became violent and the police were called (I didn't) and since he didn't hit me* and my name wasn't on the lease, I was told I needed to leave and stay some where else safe. He was FURIOUS thinking I called the police, said he could never trust me again.


He was violent but did not hit you? Could you describe what he did do?

Do you know who called the police?


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## HurtWithHope (Nov 21, 2016)

I'm about to head into work so I will write more later or tomorrow but in the meantime you can read my old Thread about it that I wrote on Christmas that talks about everything that happened that night.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I think I remember your thread. He was a bf? Didn't he destroy your phone on Christmas? Wasn't he jailed very briefly for whatever happened? You moved back home with your parents?

You escaped a toxic relationship. Don't even consider for a moment taking him back. You're much better off rebuilding your life without him.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@HurtWithHope, I just re-read your thread.

No. Please don't. He is dangerous and toxic.

Keep away from him.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Humans sometimes think too much and our thoughts get criss crossed which causes us to doubt our own thinking. It's a crazy cycle of thoughts and emotions.

Do not start thinking maybe he wasn't so bad. He was bad, he was toxic, he became violent. He will do the same again or worse if you give him a chance. Don't let him manipulate you by his playing the remorseful or hurt victim, or claiming to be a changed man. Do not meet him to talk things out, that could just be a trap for him to emotionally blackmail you into reconciliation or worse to get his hands on you. People like him hold on to anger for a very long time and since he feels you hurt him he wants to hurt you back.

Erase him from your life, he is NOT worth the risk.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

You are romanticizing the whole thing. If you take him back, you do realize, don't you, that would give him carte Blanche to treat you however he wanted? Because you went running back for more.

Don't do it. Stop with the "does he miss me?" And start remembering what he did TO you.

It's hard for a violent person to change without intensive, professional help.

Sent from my SM-G935V using Tapatalk


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

HurtWithHope said:


> I just want to be prepared... I had felt his pride would keep him from ever feeling anything towards me again, and he'd speak ill of me to others feel better about his decision and cut me off forever just as he did about his other exes. Can you all please speculate with me as to what his motivations are? I want to emotionally guard myself. This has all been a horrible situation for me to cope with as it is.


Who gives a rat's ass WHAT this loser's intentions are?

Does it *CHANGE* anything he did - like pushing you into a room and locking the door so you couldn't get out, and breaking your phone? Does _anything_ this ass-clown has to say at this point *change *any of that?

Does it *CHANGE *the fact that this scumbag was keeping MANY fishing lines in the water with multiple women while claiming to be committed to only _you _and talking only to _you_ - when in reality, he clearly wasn't? *YOU* were the one making all the sacrifices to leave the life you've always known in order to move far away to be with this POS, and here he was, making sure he had lots of 'backup' in case you didn't move out there. So I ask again, does _anything_ this ass-clown has to say at this point *change *any of that?

No, it doesn't change who he is. He showed you *exactly* what a low-life he is, so it's time to take off the rose-colored glasses and SEE what he's *shown *you over and over and over.

Don't start rewriting history _now,_ thinking maybe he's *not *such a bad guy after all. 

And if you have even a shred of *self respect*, you wouldn't make comments about having 'borderline' thoughts of reconciliation with him. Is this honestly what you feel you deserve in life? Some lying, cheating, deceitful, verbally and physically abusive, nasty ass user? Do you think he's the only one you can be with?

Newsflash - he's not.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

@HurtWithHope, I'd encourage you to start to feel more confident about putting your foot down with him regarding conversations.
If he starts to get nostalgic and talk about the relationship, you should flat out say "I'm not discussing that. We are no longer together."

You need to learn to say no and mean it. Don't give him a shred of hope that things are going to go back to the way they were. You've been spending 4x months learning to heal and be rid of him. Don't let him ruin your hard work. You will do fine without him and he needs to take responsibility for resolving his anger issues. You cannot help him in this regard... it's his responsibility.


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## HurtWithHope (Nov 21, 2016)

I guess part of me wondering his thoughts is a yearning for him like you guys say... I guess given how's he's handled relationships and even friendships in the past, I really thought he would never speak to me again. Knowing this, even if I felt it in me, it prevented me from doing any crying/begging/declarations of love etc because I felt it would fall on deaf ears. The urge has been there a few times, but I felt it useless. Which overall is a good thing.

I would've been willing to work on things had he gotten help himself and help with me. Since that didn't seem like an option, it felt very over. So I guess contemplating his vague expressions of love/regret make me thing of how I originally felt, in that I'm always willing to work on things with people willing to put in the work. I didn't expect even this little bit of showing he cares. 

But it's very mixed messages. Never hear from him on his own, but when I have had to contact him he always leads it to saying a half assed expression of feeling bad/missing me. So it confuses me.

For those concerned, we live VERY far away from each other... And I literally have no money to move back or even see him. He has money issues as well. So really I couldn't just up and make any rash decisions anyway. So there an unavoidable safeguards there to prevent stupidity. 

I do miss him. For some reason more so in the last month. And I haven't even talked to him in nearly 2 months.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

HurtWithHope said:


> I guess part of me wondering his thoughts is a yearning for him like you guys say... I guess given how's he's handled relationships and even friendships in the past, I really thought he would never speak to me again. Knowing this, even if I felt it in me, it prevented me from doing any crying/begging/declarations of love etc because I felt it would fall on deaf ears. The urge has been there a few times, but I felt it useless. Which overall is a good thing.
> 
> I would've been willing to work on things had he gotten help himself and help with me. Since that didn't seem like an option, it felt very over. So I guess contemplating his vague expressions of love/regret make me thing of how I originally felt, in that I'm always willing to work on things with people willing to put in the work. I didn't expect even this little bit of showing he cares.
> 
> ...



The thing is you miss what could have been, not the guy he ended up being. Hell we all romanticize a new relationship thinking and hoping this is the one that makes the fairy tail. But sadly that didn't happen with that guy, he turned into the big bad wolf. When you think of this guy it shouldn't be with regret, it should be with relief knowing you got the **** away from him!


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