# Wife Left Me Yesterday Morning



## MarriageFellApart (Aug 20, 2011)

I am new to this website, and I am looking for support or words of encouragement. My wife of almost 4 years left me yesterday morning and is returning to Pennsylvania. We moved to Florida just over two months ago. She believes that I have "anger issues" and that I am controlling. I told her that she is right, and she is. I told her that I would start counseling, and as of Monday I am and will. Problem is, she will not communicate with me any form. She has a cell phone, so I know she has the means. It seems the spirit and will have been exhausted. Funny, and sadly, I agree with the changes I need to make. I relayed this message to her in-laws, who seem behind keeping the marriage together. As I am a fool in love, they probably are just telling me what they think I want to hear. Our courtship and marriage total seven years. I believe things only turned for me when I lost my job last November. Stress is a killer, but she was always supportive. I am rambling, however, I am just feeling so lonely. Can anyone out there relate? I am getting tired of my family saying move on, get a divorce, etc. I want to save this marriage! Thanks for reading this.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Once you better your self and fix that then you can fix other things like your marriage.
Stay focused on this and it will all come together for you.
Once you see your self in a new light you might find that your wife has brought out the worse in youand it may be time to move on.
But in this new light you find your self wanting to be with her then you can only hope she notices and want to reconnect.

First work on your self and see were you come out at.

You can't control her so don't try, but you can control how you behave and how you want to live your life so work on your self and become a better man by reading and counselling and fixing what you have control over.


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## MarriageFellApart (Aug 20, 2011)

Thank you for the kind words. I am definitely going to pursue counseling for myself, and I have an appointment scheduled for Monday. The worst part about all this is that I feel that horrible empty feeling. I have been fighting myself all night not to call her and leave a message at least. However, I know that is the wrong move, but damn it is hard!


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Take her number out of your phone. That way, when you want to call or text, you will have to think about her number and it will save you from begging cause you will talk yourself out of doing it.

That's what I did.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Yes, you need to work on yourself.

But may I ask what exactly she calls controlling? There is such a thing of course but often we hear this when it is not really true.


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## MarriageFellApart (Aug 20, 2011)

The use of the word controlling in this case regards our finances. I usually audit our accounts, balance checkbook etc. My wife willingly asked me to do this about a year ago. This corresponded with my being laid off from my accounting position. Unemployment compensation made things tight financially, and she made the decision to let me handle the finances. I guess we fundamentally disagreed on how to spend, or not spend, any extra income not devoted to rent, food, etc. As my wife gets pleasure from occasional shopping, I told her many a time to go ahead and make a purchase if she found something she liked. She would say, no we can't afford it. However, she seemed bitter about having to feel that way. This turned into her feeling of me controlling the money. I tried many times to reassure her, involve her in the decision making processes, but to no avail. In her mind it still amounted to control. The other major contributor is her son, my stepson. My wife was a bit lax on things, chores for him etc., and she wanted me to be a provider of some structure for him and show him some discipline. I.E. doing chores, helping me around the house, etc. He was reticent to this, and my ways of asking for his help was deemed controlling. In no way was there any physical or mental abuse, however, my tone would be firm. Example: "Yes, you will clean your room".


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Ok, so that so the controlling part seems pretty limited then. Arguably it should not be a big deal. It was a change in control she did not adapt to. Being laid off seems the more significant thing. Been there. Yes you have to watch the money very closely.

Ok so what about the anger?


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Hmmm... it almost sounds like she was unhappy in the marriage and was looking for ANY excuse to take off. If it wasn't "controlling" with the money, it would have been something else.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

A woman needs financial security.

Get a job.


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## MarriageFellApart (Aug 20, 2011)

Thanks for all the feedback. I will try to answer some of your questions and concerns. Regarding anger, yes I have been bitter, but it primarily has to do with frustration with the job search. I make attempts to not let anger spill out onto my wife, and have done so for years, as she has PTSD. This being from her previous relationship.

Some parts of me do feel like she was looking for an excuse to get out, and I just hope that if it is due to mental concerns on her part, that she is safe and continues to address her concerns. We both need to heal wounds it would seem.

Conrad, I would love to be working. It would seem that every job interview ends in my being overqualified and or having too much experience. It seems to be going better, I have had several phone interviews recently, so I am keeping my fingers crossed. Thanks for the feedback, I greatly appreciate it.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

I can only imagine how frustrated she is with someone else questioning spending when he's not earning.

It's a tightrope to walk.

Having income will help plenty.


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## MarriageFellApart (Aug 20, 2011)

Thank you for more good insight Conrad, I will do my level best to keep on keeping on with the job search. You are right, she more than likely felt that pressure, that tightrope syndrome. I hope on her drive back to PA, that she has understanding at least of this fact. It has been a struggle adjusting to this low income lifestyle. 

Thanks brother!


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## MarriageFellApart (Aug 20, 2011)

Well, I found out that my wife and her son arrived in PA today. She had her son call my mother to relay the information. My wife also stated to my mother, how embarrassing getting messages from my mom, that she does not want to hurt me in regards to speaking to me about our marriage. Still feel stuck in emotional limbo, but it sure doesn't look rosy.

Thank you all for your comments and suggestions. They greatly help.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

MarriageFellApart said:


> Thanks for all the feedback. I will try to answer some of your questions and concerns. Regarding anger, yes I have been bitter, but it primarily has to do with frustration with the job search. I make attempts to not let anger spill out onto my wife, and have done so for years, as she has PTSD. This being from her previous relationship.
> 
> Some parts of me do feel like she was looking for an excuse to get out, and I just hope that if it is due to mental concerns on her part, that she is safe and continues to address her concerns. We both need to heal wounds it would seem.
> 
> Conrad, I would love to be working. It would seem that every job interview ends in my being overqualified and or having too much experience. It seems to be going better, I have had several phone interviews recently, so I am keeping my fingers crossed. Thanks for the feedback, I greatly appreciate it.


I understand this dude. These are very tough times. 

I also know when I am out of work I am not fit to live with. I try. I do try, but we get so much of our worth from our jobs. Plus many women get much of our worth from us being employed. More than they will admit. We are not so attractive when we are out of work.
Our financial and social status are part of what women do or do not find attractive in us. Women love confidence. A man without a job is less confident. It is easier to get a job if you already have one.

Also a fact is that men are more aroused sexually when under stress. BUT, the exception is when we are stressed about finances. Then we are sexually supressed. It is a natural thing.

Anyway, to me she is shunning you because you are out of work.
That sux because we need our wives to support us through those tough times. Otherwise they are fair weather wives. Too many apparently are.

You probably are not fun to live with now. So F'ing what. Life is tough these days. What you need to work on is not your anger and not you being controlling but that you need a job.

This is one reason I get a little miffed when women complain their men are only focused on their work and not them. Welll, I get this to a point. But if we do not keep our jobs or bring home enough money we run the risk of losing them anyway.
Finding that balance these days is very very tough.


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## MarriageFellApart (Aug 20, 2011)

Thank you Entropy for the insight. I agree entirely. The job thing has been a total grind, and yes, affects just about everything. Self worth was already at an all-time low, her leaving is another reminder of how far I have indeed fallen. I will do my best to rebound, and the job search will continue at a fever pitch. I never thought accountants would be this seemingly not in demand. At least not this accountant. Anyway, thanks for giving me much to think about other than my spouse who is now over 1000 miles away-literally and figuratively.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

MarriageFellApart said:


> Thank you Entropy for the insight. I agree entirely. The job thing has been a total grind, and yes, affects just about everything. Self worth was already at an all-time low, her leaving is another reminder of how far I have indeed fallen. I will do my best to rebound, and the job search will continue at a fever pitch. I never thought accountants would be this seemingly not in demand. At least not this accountant. Anyway, thanks for giving me much to think about other than my spouse who is now over 1000 miles away-literally and figuratively.


Hang on. Do not beat yourself up. You have to be at your best to get that job. Good luck.

Above all do not let this eat away at your self esteem. The game is rigged against us these days. The best people do not always get the job. Too many other things at play. But it is not impossible. You have to research what they need and be that person. Ask them what they view as the successful candidate. If you can be that person then tell them so.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

When women leave a marriage emotionally, but stay in the house, they rarely come back. When women leave a marriage and physically leave the house, they rarely come back. My wife left me emotioally and has not returned.

Better yourself for yourself and for your next relationship. Get in shape. Handle the control issues. Get a grip on anger issues. I did. My wife "leaving" me and me realizing it was my fault crushed me. I haven't lost my temper since the day she told me she left and it was my fault. I haven't said ANYTHING negative about her since the day that she left. Reality is a great teacher. It's one thing to know you have to change but don't see the consequences of NOT changing. It's another when it kicks you in the gut.

Problem is, she will always be afraid of the old me and will never give herself to me emotionally again. Consider yourself lucky that you can start over. I get a reminder of my failed marriage every day I go to bed alone and she comes in later and turns her back to me with barely a "good night". I'm stuck here. I've bettered myself for my kids, but i'm stuck in this marriage. You're not. I actually envy you.


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## katc (Aug 7, 2011)

If you want to save your marriage, do what you have promised her you will do.

Show her that you are changing. 

My husband has anger issues - he said he would go for counselling, but nothing changed - I suspect he never went.

Give her her space, focus on you, keep your promise that you would seek help.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

I see you told her you would go to counseling. Fine, do what you said you would do.

But what did she say in response.

What was the prupose and scope of her leaving and going dark on you?

Is she done? You guys are now separated. What are the parameters around this. I am thinking noe. She just left.

Is she free to pursue other relationships? Yes, I know this is an extreme question, but it is unclear what her intentions are.

This may have been asked, but is their any chance of a third party being involved? i.e. could she be in an EA. Keep in mind when a man makes a move on a married woman his approach is to befriend her and then starts to get her to question her husband. Bring up his flaws. Probe and plant descent.

Did she leave anything for the future. Was it a bye I can;t take this any more have a nice life or was it contact me when you have a job and are not longer controlling and have anger.

Again the controlling word can indicate different things.

I am thinking she was not happy about the recent move. Why did you move to begin with since you did not have a job. How did this impact her job?

Was she against moving. Did she want to stay in PA? Does she have close friends in PA? Assuming she does not have any close male friends.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Conrad said:


> I can only imagine how frustrated she is with someone else questioning spending when he's not earning.
> 
> It's a tightrope to walk.
> 
> Having income will help plenty.


Conrad,

I'm not sure that I agree with this statement. Yes, I understand the deep psychological need embedded in females regarding security (in this case, financial). But just because I could find myself out of a job doesn't mean my wife gets to have instant control over the spending as soon as the pink slip is in my hand.

In this case, she TOLD him to control the finances. In which case, he did. She just doesn't like the fact that he's now doing it, with all the frugality and common sense that should be shown having one income. It's not controlling at all, it's being responsible.

I'm not sure what's missing from the story, but what's explained doesn't seem controlling to me. I think what's really happening is that her strong need for financial security and not having it right now just emptied out her love bank. She freaked. She split. The controlling excuse may just be a cover story...who knows. I mean, really, who wants to tell someone.....hey, one of my needs in marriage is money, and your just not cutting the bacon right now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

The "controlling" excuse is almost always a cover story.

Her need for security is obviously very great.

She told him what to do. He did it.

See the danger?

He needs to understand her needs and fill them. She didn't need Scrooge handling the books. She needed Bob Kratchit hitting the ledgers at the office.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

I feel we are missing more to this story....


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