# Interracial Relationship Problem



## King_James (Jun 30, 2012)

Hello, ladies and gentlemen  I'm dealing with a bit of a issue in regard to the relationship with my girlfriend, and I'd like to share my story as I would really be appreciate any kind of feedback.

Okay, well, I'm currently engaged in a relationship with a girl I've been with for eight months. She means a hell of a lot to me and the last school year, despite the mentally exerting workloads that accompany my college course, have been really blissful. Largely thanks to her.

However, it's not all rainbows and dancing children. I'm black and my girlfriend is white. Yes, I know, it's 2012 not 1912, but even with the fact that modern liberalism and multiculturalism for the most part, is very accepting of interracial relationships, I still find myself in a bit of a problem with my girlfriend's parents. Although I'm yet to meet them and in fact, they're not even aware that I even exist, my girlfriend was quite straight with me from the beginning: Her parents are racist and they definitely wouldn't approve of our association.

I actually have experience with a similar situation: My college buddy is Latino and his girlfriend is Asian, and in the beginning, the girlfriend's parents were quite reserved and quietly discontent with the relationship. Not because they were racist, but because they were concerned about the possible culture clashes and the concept of an interracial relationship in their family was quite an alien occurrence. However, they quickly got to know the really good person my friend is and now the girlfriend's dad treats the guy as though he were a son.

I'm afraid that such a happy conclusion for me and my girlfriend is highly unlikely. For my girlfriend's parents, it's a lot more than about possible culture clashes. Apparently my her dad frequents the infamous white supremacist "Stormfront" site and I've been told of a few distasteful things her parents have to say about other races, blacks in particular. When she was in high school, her father attempted to "indoctrinate" her with his views, but as you can see with her association with me, he was pretty unsuccessful.

With college over and the summer here, reality has kind of hit me in a sense. The fact that my girlfriend's parents were bigots never really bothered me until recently, as we both live on campus and we were far removed from her parents. However with both I and my girlfriend going back home and with us wanting to spend large chunks of the summer break with one another, the presence of her parents' views have become much more significant. 

I read a few stories about a couple that had been in similar positions, and one story that particularly alarmed me was a couple whose love was unable to withstand the torrents of racial contempt emanating from both the man and woman's family. I'm in a better position in a sense, as my family is ultra-liberal and they've already met my girlfriend. They love her.

My girlfriend has been seriously pondering telling her parents about me. She's pretty tired of having to lie when she's on the phone to me or when her mother tries to set her up with one of her friends' son. We talked tentatively about it and I told her it's her choice - I'll support her whatever she decides. Obviously, whatever the reaction from her parents, it'll be a significant event in our relationship.

I'd really appreciate people's input on the situation. Maybe you've been in the same boat yourself or maybe you just want to chip in. Whatever you have to say, it'll be greatly appreciated. I hope you all have a good night.

God Bless.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

How old are you guys?


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## Latigo (Apr 27, 2011)

My question to you would be, have you discussed what would happen to your relationship if her parents don't accept you? I really don't see the dad coming around given the websites he spends time on.


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## King_James (Jun 30, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> How old are you guys?


I'm 21 and she's 20. Both just finished our second year in college.


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## Effygerms (Jun 30, 2012)

I've seen this many times before. I'ts really sad that this can even still be a problem. With how hard core her parents sound, they may very well disown her when she tells the. that she is engaged to a black man. I had a friend that married an Indian man, her parents refused to speak with her. 
Your girlfriend will eventually reach the breaking point were she'll have to tell them. When she does, just make sure she has you to fall on when things get bad.


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## King_James (Jun 30, 2012)

Latigo said:


> My question to you would be, have you discussed what would happen to your relationship if her parents don't accept you? I really don't see the dad coming around given the websites he spends time on.


Yes, we have discussed that. She said that no matter what her family's reaction will be, she won't break off the relationship. I can be a pretty pragmatic person and even though it's heartwarming to know that my girlfriend reciprocates how strongly I feel about her, I am worried. Worried about her entirely, because like you mentioned, her father's extremist views, in all likelihood, won't tolerate it. With what my girlfriend has told me, I honestly wouldn't put it past her father when it comes to the possibility of disowning her. However, as our relationship continues, realistically speaking, we both know that we can't hide it from her parents forever.


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## King_James (Jun 30, 2012)

Effygerms said:


> I've seen this many times before. I'ts really sad that this can even still be a problem. With how hard core her parents sound, they may very well disown her when she tells the. that she is engaged to a black man. I had a friend that married an Indian man, her parents refused to speak with her.
> Your girlfriend will eventually reach the breaking point were she'll have to tell them. When she does, just make sure she has you to fall on when things get bad.


Yes, you're right, it is sad that this kind of thing is an issue even today. Your friend's story is pretty awful. My main concern is my girlfriend. Like I wrote to another poster, I really wouldn't put it past my girlfriend's father to disown her. And I know that when my girlfriend tells her parents, she's going to bore the brunt. And that worries me. I'll do everything in my power to be there for her whatever the outcome.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

While I don't have anything helpful to add, I do wish you the best of luck. 

My father is VERY racist. When I was 21 I married a man outside of my race.....in his opinion. My ex husband is Cherokee, Sioux and German. Still, not white in my father's eyes and I was disowned.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## King_James (Jun 30, 2012)

pidge70 said:


> While I don't have anything helpful to add, I do wish you the best of luck.
> 
> My father is VERY racist. When I was 21 I married a man outside of my race.....in his opinion. My ex husband is Cherokee, Sioux and German. Still, not white in my father's eyes and I was disowned.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thank you not only for the luck, but also for sharing your own experience. Your input was actually helpful. It's really sad to hear that about your father. Ignorance truly is annoying.


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## Latigo (Apr 27, 2011)

King_James said:


> Yes, we have discussed that. She said that no matter what her family's reaction will be, she won't break off the relationship.


 This is good. I have been in an interracial marriage for 15 years. It isn't quite the same with me, because although bigotry is common from my wife's part of the world, they don't have as many hang-ups there as we do here stateside. 
I do know that my FIL is rumored to be bigoted. Mind you this is second hand info as he and my MIL are divorced. I have never met him face to face. He's a bit of a loon! As such, if indeed your GF's dad disowns her, it may well be a blessing in diguise. If you have kids, you don't want them around such toxic influences. I could write a book about toxic family members!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

The two of you might want to plan to live across the country from this family drama. That way it is not part of your every day life.

I've seen people who thought they were stanch racists turn around when their mixed raced grand children arrived... to the point of accepting their son/daughter-in-law.

You never know what turns life wil take.

She has to make sure that now that she is back in her home town that she is really willing to walk away from her family over this. Are her parents paying her way through school? How will she continue her education without their help if they are paying her way?

I've knows a lot of Muslim and Jewish college age kids who were engaged in college. It made their parents appropriately angry. But in the end they all split up and went their own ways to marry a person of the background their parents accepted. I hope this is not what is going on here with her. Rebellion can have some mean consequences.


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## King_James (Jun 30, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> The two of you might want to plan to live across the country from this family drama. That way it is not part of your every day life.
> 
> I've seen people who thought they were stanch racists turn around when their mixed raced grand children arrived... to the point of accepting their son/daughter-in-law.
> 
> ...


At the moment, in regard to the living situation, it revolves around school. Next year is our last year so we'll be living near campus again - until college is over, we don't have much flexibility in that area. At the moment with summer here, we're both home, but she's going to be coming over to my hometown in a weeks' time to stay for a while. In regard to her education - no, her parents don't pay. She earned a scholarship, so her education isn't dependent on her parents. Which is a very good thing when all things are considered.

In regards to the rebellion sensation - I understand what you say, as I've observed it myself on campus with some folk, but I and my girlfriend are honest with each other and we've actually talked about that - I really don't think that our relationship is fueled by some kind of thirst for taboo on her part. We're just two people that happened to meet .

P.S. Really interesting input about racists changing their attitudes when grandchildren arrive, by the way!


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## King_James (Jun 30, 2012)

Latigo said:


> This is good. I have been in an interracial marriage for 15 years. It isn't quite the same with me, because although bigotry is common from my wife's part of the world, they don't have as many hang-ups there as we do here stateside.
> I do know that my FIL is rumored to be bigoted. Mind you this is second hand info as he and my MIL are divorced. I have never met him face to face. He's a bit of a loon! As such, if indeed your GF's dad disowns her, it may well be a blessing in diguise. If you have kids, you don't want them around such toxic influences. I could write a book about toxic family members!


It's nice to know that your relationship has been going strong for such a long time. I totally agree with you about the possibility of children and toxic family members. I have a few such members in my extended family and growing up, there were problems even when it came to irrelevant things.


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