# Feeling like my marriag is a sham



## Mad-town (Feb 20, 2013)

Long story. My wife and I have been married almost 10 year. We were engaged twice. We were 3 months from our original wedding date and she called it off. There was a guy pursuing her at work. Didn't talk/see her for about 6 months. She ended up sleeping with the other guy. I dated other woman. She ends up calling and we get back together. I tell her if she wants me back she will *never have contact* with this OM again. Bottom line. No gray area.

Fast-forward to 2 years ago. We moved for her job, I gave up my dream job for hers. I had to travel back/forth for about 3 months (3-4 nights away) while we got situated. There was some tension due to a move, but nothing I thought out of the ordinary. We have 2 beautiful girls. I take care of them because my job is more flexible. She travels 100 days a year

Fast-forward to 7 weeks ago. I was having recurring images/thoughts about our 1st engagement break up. I go to her IPad search and type his name in. About 15 emails come up. I ask her about him while she was away. She vehemently lied saying she hadn't had any contact with him. Then she said he left her a voicemail once. As I went through the emails its apparent she reached out to him during this move. They talked on the phone. Some flirty emails. In one email she gave a specific time and hotel she was to be at. She said it was just to arrange a time to talk. 

I have also found out that there was occasional contact before the move. The OM is married as well. I contacted him and told him to stay away from my wife and never contact her again. He said he hasn't contacted her in 10+ years.

this has consumed me. My wife is apologetic, but I still am furious that she has lied and deceived me. How do I get over this? Or do I?


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

So sorry you are here. You must realize that they have probably had sex recently. This is what is known as the "trickle truth". I would first off advise you to keep coming back to this site for advice. A lot of good people, with a lot of good knowledge. Key is for you to listen to what people say, think about it and do what seems right to you. The discussion will begin whether you should tell the OM's wife about their contact. Put me FIRMLY in the "Tell her directly and soon!" camp. Do not tell your wife what you are going to do, that only gives her and the OM time to get their story together. Your best hope to save your marriage is to act swiftly and agressively, especially when it involves the OM. Good luck to you!


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

You need to tell the OM wife ASAP and provide her with evidence. Whether she chooses to listen or not is on her.


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

Tell OM's wife.

Don't email her...he could intercept it.

Call and speak to her directly.

She may have more info to share with you.

How far away does OM live? Did the move bring him closer??


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

Sorry to say but based on your descriptions she seems to be lying to you about the OM.

You found an email where she is giving him specifics of her hotel room. Huge red flag right there !

You said that the conditions of marrying her was NO CONTACT with OM. She has clearly broken that. Also, her having a job that keeps her away 100 days a year isn't really conducive for a healthy marriage IMO.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Mad-town said:


> She travels 100 days a year


Sorry mad-town, but a cheating wife that ALSO travels 1/3rd of the years is a recipe for disaster. 

What makes you think she doesn't sleep with random guys on all these trips?


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## JMGrey (Dec 19, 2012)

Mad-town said:


> Long story. My wife and I have been married almost 10 year. We were engaged twice. We were 3 months from our original wedding date and she called it off. There was a guy pursuing her at work. Didn't talk/see her for about 6 months. She ended up sleeping with the other guy. I dated other woman. She ends up calling and we get back together. I tell her if she wants me back she will *never have contact* with this OM again. Bottom line. No gray area.
> 
> Fast-forward to 2 years ago. We moved for her job, I gave up my dream job for hers. I had to travel back/forth for about 3 months (3-4 nights away) while we got situated. There was some tension due to a move, but nothing I thought out of the ordinary. We have 2 beautiful girls. I take care of them because my job is more flexible. She travels 100 days a year
> 
> ...


Sorry, mate, but she slept with him, pure and simple. If she were arranging a totally innocuous meeting, she would have given him the address of a nearby coffee shop, not the hotel where she was staying. The only reason he needs to know that is if they have an "indoor activity" scheduled.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

Your WW met up with that OM at the hotel and they did the matress mombo.

You need to tell the OMW.

You need to schedule a polygraph test for WW.

WW has shown that she can not have a job that makes her travel. She must quit.


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## WTHiswrong (Feb 18, 2013)

Definetly tell the OMW as soon as possible. May be the only chance you get to save your marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

like everyone else here sorry about what you are going through, talk to a lawyer ASAP! cover your bases and TELL the om's wife NOW. i would file for divorce, its the only way you may be able to save your marriage (if you want to). she has lied to you the WHOLE time and i bet you anything she has been sleeping with him every chance she gets


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## WTHiswrong (Feb 18, 2013)

barbados said:


> Sorry to say but based on your descriptions she seems to be lying to you about the OM.
> 
> You found an email where she is giving him specifics of her hotel room. Huge red flag right there !
> 
> You said that the conditions of marrying her was NO CONTACT with OM. She has clearly broken that. Also, her having a job that keeps her away 100 days a year isn't really conducive for a healthy marriage IMO.


I agree.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

On top of all the other great advice you are getting, I would DNA test the kids also you just don't know how far down the rabbit hole this has gone I'm truly sorry.


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

Welcome to the BS club.

I suggest you take some time and do a lot of reading here,
especially the links for newbies as it will help put you
in the right frame of mind and guide you in how to approach things.

They have had sex. All kinds of sex. I'm so sorry, but please understand that.

Get a key logger for any mac/pc she uses.
Get all of her cell phone records.
Start cross checking the times of her days away with when there was contact between them. 
Get a VAR and put it in her car.

Play dumb for a couple weeks and become a detective.

One thing is certain, you simply *CANNOT* rely on her word anymore.

I would collect evidence for a while before blowing it out of the water. 
Who knows... maybe the OM's W has info to share as far
as their whereabouts, dates/times, etc. are concerned.

It's a lot to take in at once. I know. Remember to breathe.

You can do this. You must do this.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Once you are out of the shock stage you will be quite angry that is normal. Expose to the omw today please.


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

tom67 said:


> Once you are out of the shock stage you will be quite angry that is normal. Expose to the omw today please.


I would advise that he and the OMw to have a long chat.

Compare notes.


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## Mad-town (Feb 20, 2013)

I don't want you all to think I'm in denial, but I do believe its a 50-50 shot that they slept together. 

But lets assume they didn't for now. So just in regards to the "talking" end of it. She says it wasn't a big deal and she didn't think to tell me because it wasn't a big deal.

She has admitted now after hours of arguing that it was some sort of infidelity.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

My vote for playing dumb while you start a serious snooping, as long in the past as you can. Put in place keylogger, phone spyware, etc. Gather all the evidence you can and then write down the "new rules" for staying n the marriage before the real confrontation.

Don't forget to arrange a STD test for both, they sure sealed the deal in that travel, that's for sure. Even if they didn't it put things in the proper perspective, shining light about the seriousness of this.


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

Say this to yourself loud " She gave a specific time to meet her at a hotel, to arrange a time to talk". 

If I am meeting a client or someone off site it is usually a coffee shop, restaurant etc.., If I am arranging a time to talk I can usually do it over the phone or by E-mail.

Hotel are not known for arranging a place to talk. They have rooms with beds in them.

I would say from her lying to you about contacting him again and having a meeting at a hotel, you really know what happened.

1. Expose to the OMW
2. Expose to her family
3. Get tested for STD's
4. Talk to a Lawyer
5. Do the 180
6. Have her write down a timeline of how the contact happened and when it occured, this will provide you with a basis to find out when she is cheating.
7. She needs to write a NC letter, give it to you and you send.

In addition, she stated she contacted and talked to the OM. When yo talked to him he lied. So do not rely on what he is telling you this is CYA time for them and they do not want the fall out.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Mad-town said:


> I don't want you all to think I'm in denial, but I do believe its a 50-50 shot that they slept together.
> 
> But lets assume they didn't for now. So just in regards to the "talking" end of it. She says it wasn't a big deal and she didn't think to tell me because it wasn't a big deal.
> 
> She has admitted now after hours of arguing that it was some sort of infidelity.


MT Sympathies my friend.

Look we'll go with you although sadly you are not going to be the one in a million that is in denial and finds nothing happened.

You're feelings about this are quite right. First numbing shock, then disbelief, denial , a lot of telling yourself to be calm, it is'nt what it seems - she loves you, she could not possibly for a second put you through what happens only to 'others' 

It doesn't happen to you, right. 

Then anger - unbelievable anger you never thought you had in you as she barefaced lies right in your face looking into your eyes - yep the same eyes that so lovingly looked at you after you both spent that last lovemaking session in heaven. 

We've all had this and it's the way it is. There are no short cuts out of it either.

Now the trickle starts. not telling you all as she "wouldn't want to hurt you" (ahaha that's really good that)

Then be prepared then for the blame. Wouldn't you just know "it was YOUR fault anyway" 

Fortunately you are here already and can get lots of fantastic advice about so many things that will make you aware of exactly every move she will make. So many of us never got that and found this place far too late 
There will be some things for you to do and sadly they will be aggressive they will be hard BUT I think I can say on behalf of TAM *the cheating spouse responds to no other way EVER*

Really sorry but this is just the start. Good luck MT


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Probably been said, you're rug sweeping the situation.


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

Mad-town said:


> I don't want you all to think I'm in denial, *but I do believe its a 50-50 shot that they slept together*.


Don't deny that they slept together - 100%.



Mad-town said:


> But lets assume they didn't for now. So just in regards to the "talking" end of it. She says it wasn't a big deal and she didn't think to tell me because it wasn't a big deal.


That's a fatal flaw...

Assuming she didn't isn't going to help you or the situation out at all.

She got caught and is lying. She's rugsweeping and if you
allow it, the A will go underground and you'll be in for years of hell.



Mad-town said:


> She has admitted now after hours of arguing that it was some sort of infidelity.


To be honest, she already broke your trust by not honoring the NC.

If you want the truth from her, it's time to go into beast mode
and start demanding answers. Start packing her things and
let her know that you'll be driving her to the OM's house.
Tell her that if she doesn't come clean, you're going to call the OMw 
and spill the beans (which you should anyway).
Tell her you'll out her to all of her family and friends and that
you'll divorce her so fast, it will maker her head spin.

It sounds to me like you're still in pain and in a state of shock.
Please act accordingly or you'll never know the truth.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

She started your relationship cheating with the guy at work. You really don't have a clue when or if she EVER stopped.
Get your STD test, then consider a sneak paternity test for the kids.
Sorry


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

You are making a mistake talking to her for hours. That is you buying into her bull****.

How many men would resist and open invitation to visit a willing woman in a hotel?

You have to proceed under the assumption that they had sex and your wife is a cheat. Move right toward divorce and the whole 9 yards... And let her do the work to prove to you that she wants a marriage to you.


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## The Cro-Magnon (Sep 30, 2012)

LOL, they could have met at a coffee shop if it was just for a catch up chat, like most normal people do.

Who the hell books out a hotel just to "have a chat" with someone.

Not even a HD sex tape filmed in 48 frames per second would be enough evidence for OP, that's the impression I'm getting here....


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

Mad-town said:


> I don't want you all to think I'm in denial, but I do believe its a 50-50 shot that they slept together.
> 
> But lets assume they didn't for now. So just in regards to the "talking" end of it. She says it wasn't a big deal and she didn't think to tell me because it wasn't a big deal.
> 
> She has admitted now after hours of arguing that it was some sort of infidelity.


You need to put your foot down and do it ASAP.

If you rug sweep this you are letting her know she can get away with this in the future and odds are it will happen again. You need to put the fear of God in her today.

Tell her you haven’t made any decisions just yet but you are going to talk to a lawyer and look at filing for a divorce. I have seen people divorce for less.

She needs to understand that you WILL leave her for this if you so choose and you need to move in that direction now so she takes you seriously. You can always stop the process at any time. If you rug sweep this then you are asking for trouble down the road. 

That being said, you really need to think about D'ing for your own sake. She is a liar and apparently can't be trusted.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

Sorry but she has been playing you for a fool. I would suggest the following:
1. Get tested for STD's and also your wife.
2. Get paternity testing for your children.
3. See an attorney to understand your options.
4. Pay $500 and have her take a polygraph.

Do you really think she was to go to a hotel to meet with him to talk about old times and play checkers? How much humiliation are you willing to endure. She has no respect for you. If you do not respect yourself then who will?

If the roles were reversed do you honestly think your wife would believe such crap from you?


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

bryanp said:


> Sorry but she has been playing you for a fool. I would suggest the following:
> 1. Get tested for STD's and also your wife.
> 2. Get paternity testing for your children.
> 3. See an attorney to understand your options.
> ...


Man up and put an end to the lying. DNA the kids and get an std test starting today.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Mad-town said:


> I don't want you all to think I'm in denial, but I do believe its a 50-50 shot that they slept together.
> 
> But lets assume they didn't for now. So just in regards to the "talking" end of it. She says it wasn't a big deal and she didn't think to tell me because it wasn't a big deal.
> 
> She has admitted now after hours of arguing that it was some sort of infidelity.


My wife tried this crap and don't you believe it. No big deal MEANS she would have told you. My wife KNOWS every woman I talk to that isn't a relative.

Why?

The non-family women, in my life, are truly "no big deal." Don't rationalize this away, you know as well as I do you hide serious relationship stuff that is worrisome and important.


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## nevergveup (Feb 18, 2013)

Yes,sorry but all the other posters are right.From the beginning of your relationship, you have been catering to her wants and needs.
She has always gotten her own way and just assumes you won't have the balls to do anything about it.She's using you as a door mat.You deserve better than this.


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## Rags (Aug 2, 2010)

rrrbbbttt said:


> Say this to yourself loud " She gave a specific time to meet her at a hotel, to arrange a time to talk".
> 
> Hotel are not known for arranging a place to talk. They have rooms with beds in them.


Umm ... in the interests of full disclosure - hotels do have meeting facilities, and places specifically to meet clients, etc.

But for meeting an ex? No, definitely not - this is not safe or neutral territory.

If they _didn't_ have sex, it still shows incredibly poor judgement, boundaries an honesty.

And I think it's on the far side of unlikely.


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## Lurking No More (Oct 20, 2012)

Mad-town said:


> I don't want you all to think I'm in denial, but I do believe its a 50-50 shot that they slept together.
> 
> But lets assume they didn't for now. So just in regards to the "talking" end of it. She says it wasn't a big deal and she didn't think to tell me because it wasn't a big deal.
> 
> She has admitted now after hours of arguing that it was some sort of infidelity.


 It is a BIG deal!!!why did she hide it if it was no BIG deal? 

Was it not a term of getting married? 

Would it be a BIG deal if you were talking multiple times to other women sharing hotel itinerary?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

The would meet at a restaurant or a public place if they wanted to talk. People don't talk in hotels. Remember, this was a guy who she broke off the engagement for and returned back to you when it did not work out.

Maybe ask her for a polygraph...You are being lied to.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Mad-town said:


> Long story. My wife and I have been married almost 10 year. We were engaged twice. *We were 3 months from our original wedding date and she called it off. There was a guy pursuing her at work.* Didn't talk/see her for about 6 months. She ended up sleeping with the other guy. I dated other woman. *She ends up calling and we get back together. * I tell her if she wants me back she will *never have contact* with this OM again. Bottom line. No gray area.
> 
> Fast-forward to 2 years ago. We moved for her job, I gave up my dream job for hers. *I had to travel back/forth for about 3 months (3-4 nights away) while we got situated.* There was some tension due to a move, but nothing I thought out of the ordinary. *We have 2 beautiful girls. I take care of them *because my job is more flexible. *She travels 100 days a year*
> 
> ...


1. "There was another guy pursuing her at work." At the time that she broke the engagement to you, other man was doing more than pursuing her, other man had already caught her, correct? If she had not already slept with him at that point, she was at least very interested in him, correct? She didn't just break the engagement to you because things weren't right in your relationship, she broke it because there was another man who she was interested in.

2. "She ended up sleeping with other guy. She ends up calling and we get back together." Was your future wife the dumper or the dumpee? 

3. Your wife is the type that always needs to be in a relationship. She cannot be without a man. She went from you to him to you. Never without a man. If she does plan on leaving you at some point in the future (not saying she's planning to now), she won't do it until she has another man lined up. She is a cheater waiting to happen.

4. If you look at the threads on this forum, any single ONE of the following seems to signal a higher risk for infidelity:

a. Either partner traveling frequently for work. 100 days a year is A LOT of travel. It's hard to maintain what many would consider a "normal" marriage spending that much time apart. Have yet to see a thread on this forum where someone considered this as a strength of the marriage, something that made the marriage stronger, only weaker.

b. You gave up YOUR job for HERS. I am assuming she is the breadwinner now and your income is not as much. It seems that some women, maybe subconsciously, desire a man who is the breadwinner. Have yet to see a thread on this forum where the stay-at-home Dad was the one doing the cheating, always the one being cheated on.

c. You went through a move and you thought there was tension. So a lot of changes at once, your job, you taking care of the kids, your move, you having to go on 3-4 overnights a week for work, this tension that you think is normal.​
So there are threads where any ONE of these things, ALONE, is the cause of marital problems. You have all three. To me, higher odds and a greater chance for problems.

5. When you asked a direct question, you got a direct lie. When you forged on and she realized you knew something, she gave you another lie, not realizing what you knew and hoping it would satisfy you. Finally, she gave you a lie that satsified you enough to back off (for the moment). But you are still questioning, and rightly so. This is called trickle truth and it's something that ALL cheaters do. EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. Must be human nature. Try to find one thread on this forum where it didn't happen - you will be looking for a long time, maybe forever.

6. It's unclear to me about the hotel info she gave him. Was it so he could CAL her there? If so, that doesn't make sense, because she could have just called him. Was it so she could MEET her there? If so, that doesn't make sense, because what would they have to MEET for - what between them couldn't be resolved with a phone call if they only had to TALK? So the hotel story is almost definitely a lie. Would other man have been able to get to the hotel relatively easily to meet with your wife? If so, hotel story gets even harder to believe than it already is.

a. Your wife says it was "no big deal." If so, then why lie repeatedly about it.

b. If it was "no big deal," why would other man lie about it?​
Your wife's lies and the other man's lies about the emails, and the unbelievability of the hotel story, make the chance that she was cheating on you about 100%.

MY GUESS on what is happening: Your wife and other man have been hooking up for a while now, at least since your move. He dumped your wife before, she still has a thing for him, he likes the extra sex but does not want to end his marriage for her, your wife STILL is exploring possibilities with other man, she can't help herself, she still has a thing for him and she just can't get over it. It could be way off, but it makes more sense to me than your wife's story.

For you to assume she is telling the truth about no sex is foolish. You have no basis to believe it. She has lied to you about what is going on with other man and only told you as much as you already knew. She told you nothing that you already didn't know. So why would you believe her? At best, you can say, assume I don't know, but the evidence is way more than 50-50 that she cheated on you.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Mad-town said:


> I don't want you all to think I'm in denial, but I do believe its a 50-50 shot that they slept together.
> 
> But lets assume they didn't for now. So just in regards to the "talking" end of it. *She says it wasn't a big deal and she didn't think to tell me because it wasn't a big deal*.
> 
> She has admitted now after hours of arguing that it was some sort of infidelity.


If it wasn't a big deal and that's why she didn't think to tell you, I can understand that. Except you made it clear that she shouldn't talk to him all those years ago. But maybe she forgot that you said that. But in that case, WHY DID SHE LIE WHEN YOU ASKED HER ABOUT IT? And why did he lie, too?

There is a big difference between "forgetting to tell you" about it and "directly and repeatedly lying to you" about it.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

OUCH. IF she only wanted to talk the local mall has a food court. Time to become James Bond. VAR, keylog, etc YESTERDAY!

You saved what you have? I HOPE!!!

NEVER reveal sources!


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## lovesux (Feb 24, 2013)

News Flash : Sounds like your marriage is a sham. Don't fall for your wife's B.S/lies..do some research and plan an exit soon.

There's POF in the sea..betrayal is hard to consume ..but you'll just have to move on and accept the facts.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You've always been plan B. the OMs dead wife must have slowed them down before, but now it's full steam ahead.


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