# 38 years and Blindsided



## Zabu

I'm new here and struggling.
My partner of 38 years. 31 of them married, completely blindsided me by telling me he wants to split up.
I know that in the past when someone told me they had no idea it was coming, I always thought.."You must have had SOME idea...", but I truly had no idea. I thought everything was great. 2 weeks before he had booked us a vacation to Mexico for January. We had just hosted a big Hallowe'en party where he insisted we take all these pictures together....Then, this.
He is 63, I am 58. He is an ultra marathon runner and in fantastic shape. I am considered an attractive woman, but I am not and have never been athletic, like he is.
He told me that since he has retired, he has so much time now he realizes that he wants to be with someone who wants to do the same things he does...running, cycling, backpacking, camping. All things I don't do. There is no chance of changing his mind.
I asked if he was having an affair and he absolutely denied it. I asked if he had anyone in mind and he said no.
2 weeks later, he admitted that he did have someone in mind and that he had been interested in her since Sept, (She's 48) but hadn't made any sort of advance until after he split up with me. At which point, he went to her and confessed how he felt. (Why does he tell me this sort of thing? It just hurts more.) He has been seeing her since and believes that as soon as he said the magic phrase "I want split up." it gave him carte blanche to do whatever he wanted because the marriage was over.
Immediately after he told me he wanted to split up, I purchased a condo and began to furnish it. He has been helping enormously.
I don't know how to take it. He says he cares and wants us to still be friends and yet he has hurt me deeply and yet, I still love him and want to be around him. I'm so confused.
We are starting legal separation Jan 1.
Any words of wisdom out there? I will be moving out of the house Dec 26 and I just know that when the door closes and I'm on my own in the new place I'm going to fall apart.


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## BeyondRepair007

Zabu said:


> I'm new here and struggling.
> My partner of 38 years. 31 of them married, completely blindsided me by telling me he wants to split up.
> I know that in the past when someone told me they had no idea it was coming, I always thought.."You must have had SOME idea...", but I truly had no idea. I thought everything was great. 2 weeks before he had booked us a vacation to Mexico for January. We had just hosted a big Hallowe'en party where he insisted we take all these pictures together....Then, this.
> He is 63, I am 58. He is an ultra marathon runner and in fantastic shape. I am considered an attractive woman, but I am not and have never been athletic, like he is.
> He told me that since he has retired, he has so much time now he realizes that he wants to be with someone who wants to do the same things he does...running, cycling, backpacking, camping. All things I don't do. There is no chance of changing his mind.
> I asked if he was having an affair and he absolutely denied it. I asked if he had anyone in mind and he said no.
> 2 weeks later, he admitted that he did have someone in mind and that he had been interested in her since Sept, but hadn't made any sort of advance until after he split up with me. At which point, he went to her and confessed how he felt. (Why does he tell me this sort of thing? It just hurts more.) He has been seeing her since and believes that as soon as he said the magic phrase "I want split up." it gave him carte blanche to do whatever he wanted because the marriage was over.
> Immediately after he told me he wanted to split up, I purchased a condo and began to furnish it. He has been helping enormously.
> I don't know how to take it. He says he cares and wants us to still be friends and yet he has hurt me deeply and yet, I still love him and want to be around him. I'm so confused.
> We are starting legal separation Jan 1.
> Any words of wisdom out there? I will be moving out of the house Dec 26 and I just know that when the door closes and I'm on my own in the new place I'm going to fall apart.


@Zabu I’m really sorry you are going through this, and at this time of year.

It seems to me like your husband likely started to have feelings for this other woman and decided to leave you for her. He’s an idiot to throw away 38 years for a cheap thrill.

I would suggest that you do your best to limit contact with him.

Talk to the your friends, let them help. Maybe see a therapist. Someone in real life that can listen and empathize.

Keep yourself busy, try volunteering. Do you go to church? That's a great source of support in times like this.

Your husband may or may not realize what a fool he is being. But please don't hang your hat on that hope. Move on with your life and let him move on too. Don't get stuck waiting for a man who never admits his failing.

You’re 58...i’m 59. Hey, it's the new 40! We’re young still!  Don't be afraid of tomorrow.


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## Young at Heart

Zabu said:


> ......My partner of 38 years. 31 of them married, completely blindsided me by telling me he wants to split up.
> 
> ,,,,,,,There is no chance of changing his mind.
> 
> ......Immediately after he told me he wanted to split up, I purchased a condo and began to furnish it. He has been helping enormously.
> 
> ......I still love him and want to be around him. I'm so confused.
> We are starting legal separation Jan 1.
> Any words of wisdom out there? I will be moving out of the house Dec 26 and I just know that when the door closes and I'm on my own in the new place I'm going to fall apart.


First of all, I am sorry for your situation. After that many years of marriage and the planned Mexican vacation, I am sure you were the deer in the head lights when this happened.

I do have a few questions, why are you agreeing to all this? Why are you buying a condo and moving out so quickly, so he can have the house and can shack up with whoever he wants?

If you do really love him why aren't you fighting for your marriage or at least putting up some resistance?

This only makes sense to me if you think it is a passing phase that he will grow out of and come back to you. I just don't understand, why you are so willing to let 38 years of relationship go.


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## Mybabysgotit

I stand corrected. My last post was "men don't pull this stuff like women do". Guess I was wrong, but can say this is the first i've seen of a man doing this.


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## Anastasia6

Mybabysgotit said:


> I stand corrected. My last post was "men don't pull this stuff like women do". Guess I was wrong, but can say this is the first i've seen of a man doing this.


Men pull this **** all the time. Cheating and leaving your spouse is not gendered.


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## Anastasia6

Zabu said:


> I'm new here and struggling.
> My partner of 38 years. 31 of them married, completely blindsided me by telling me he wants to split up.
> I know that in the past when someone told me they had no idea it was coming, I always thought.."You must have had SOME idea...", but I truly had no idea. I thought everything was great. 2 weeks before he had booked us a vacation to Mexico for January. We had just hosted a big Hallowe'en party where he insisted we take all these pictures together....Then, this.
> He is 63, I am 58. He is an ultra marathon runner and in fantastic shape. I am considered an attractive woman, but I am not and have never been athletic, like he is.
> He told me that since he has retired, he has so much time now he realizes that he wants to be with someone who wants to do the same things he does...running, cycling, backpacking, camping. All things I don't do. There is no chance of changing his mind.
> I asked if he was having an affair and he absolutely denied it. I asked if he had anyone in mind and he said no.
> 2 weeks later, he admitted that he did have someone in mind and that he had been interested in her since Sept, (She's 48) but hadn't made any sort of advance until after he split up with me. At which point, he went to her and confessed how he felt. (Why does he tell me this sort of thing? It just hurts more.) He has been seeing her since and believes that as soon as he said the magic phrase "I want split up." it gave him carte blanche to do whatever he wanted because the marriage was over.
> Immediately after he told me he wanted to split up, I purchased a condo and began to furnish it. He has been helping enormously.
> I don't know how to take it. He says he cares and wants us to still be friends and yet he has hurt me deeply and yet, I still love him and want to be around him. I'm so confused.
> We are starting legal separation Jan 1.
> Any words of wisdom out there? I will be moving out of the house Dec 26 and I just know that when the door closes and I'm on my own in the new place I'm going to fall apart.


Please whatever you do… do NOT let him stay friends. That just lessens the guilt. It’s a gift to him so he can feel like he’s not the bad guy.

First consult an attorney. Why did you move out? Why wouldn’t he be the one to move out? He wanted to be free? Follow your attorneys advice. Do not let HIS attorney handle the paperwork. Attorneys represent people not divorcing couples. That means his attorney keeps his interests in mind.

If he wants to be a good guy let him. But as soon as the divorce if final make sure to blast to all your friends and family what really happened. Don’t let him get away with it was no one’s fault and we are still friends. Nope he let his eyes wonder, started seeing her before the divorce which means no chance for counseling or reconciliation after 38 years.

I’m sorry you are here.


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## Anastasia6

Also check your phone bill. He started this before the I want to break up. He a liar and a cheat.


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## Zabu

Young at Heart said:


> First of all, I am sorry for your situation. After that many years of marriage and the planned Mexican vacation, I am sure you were the deer in the head lights when this happened.
> 
> I do have a few questions, why are you agreeing to all this? Why are you buying a condo and moving out so quickly, so he can have the house and can shack up with whoever he wants?
> 
> If you do really love him why aren't you fighting for your marriage or at least putting up some resistance?
> 
> This only makes sense to me if you think it is a passing phase that he will grow out of and come back to you. I just don't understand, why you are so willing to let 38 years of relationship go.


I am agreeing to all this because at first I was just in shock, I think. Also, the plan is for him to reno the house to sell it so we can split the profits and it made no sense for me to stay in the house if he was going to be coming in every day to spend hours there painting and putting in new floors. I'd just be seeing him all the time. He won't be shacking up with her because she has 3 kids and a house of her own (And is newly separated...surprise!) .
Why am I not fighting for my marriage? Because A) he made it crystal clear that there was NO chance of getting back together and B) He cheated on me. 

In 38 years I never once caught him in a lie. Not once. Now, I just can't reconcile the man I knew to the one I see in front of me.

How do you just turn off 38 years of shared history and being someone's best friend?


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## SunCMars

Another one taken by outside force's.

The same face getting a new fate.

I see it clearly, my eyes closed, not open.

Why this?

He did not resist, he relented.
He was taken.


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## BeyondRepair007

Zabu said:


> I am agreeing to all this because at first I was just in shock, I think. Also, the plan is for him to reno the house to sell it so we can split the profits and it made no sense for me to stay in the house if he was going to be coming in every day to spend hours there painting and putting in new floors. I'd just be seeing him all the time. He won't be shacking up with her because she has 3 kids and a house of her own (And is newly separated...surprise!) .
> Why am I not fighting for my marriage? Because A) he made it crystal clear that there was NO chance of getting back together and B) He cheated on me.
> 
> In 38 years I never once caught him in a lie. Not once. Now, I just can't reconcile the man I knew to the one I see in front of me.
> 
> How do you just turn off 38 years of shared history and being someone's best friend?


I think you’re moving in the right direction, just try to focus on yourself for a while. And reduce contact with him, seriously. Every contact is like reopening a wound. Give yourself time and space to heal and think clearly. Pamper yourself, lean on your friends a little, and do what you need to grieve the loss of a marriage.


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## hamadryad

yeah, its not fun, but you freely admitted there was a pretty big compatibility problem/issue, so its not like there isn't some legitimate reasoning...He's probably reached the age where it's now or never..

I am assuming no kids or the kids are all grown and out of the house? Big plus there...

I don't know if becoming angry and resentful helps you in any way....You don't have to grease the skids, either, I guess all you can do at this point is begin to lay the foundation for a life without him..as a spouse, anyway....If you do share children it will make it easier for them if both parents are civil....Bad mouthing him, as some are suggesting only makes you look bad/weak.....He more than likely won't care, so the one you think it's going to hurt will not be phased by it...and many mutual friends, etc, probably already know the two of you are not compatible on these lifestyle issues, so they will understand his plight to a large degree...

Just get your ducks in a row and begin to move ahead, give yourself all the time you need to process it...may be early to think of it now, but perhaps you meet someone else that is more aligned with your life goals and you start to see life in a new and exciting way...


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## Luckylucky

I’m reading that he wanted pictures, wanted family holidays, wanted a woman to be his cheer squad. He basically wanted these things with you. 

I’m very sorry it has come to this. 

Over the years, did he ask you to partake in these activities? 

For example, there are spouses who want to talk about their hobbies excitedly, want them to come along even if they’re just happy to sit and cheer them on. Most couples have completely different hobbies. 

Then there are the spouses who want to be alone and have a separate life. No photos, no together time, no annoying spouse along with them during their hobby time and they don’t even talk about them or invite them. 

You’ll know which one he was. If he was the latter, and didn’t ever ask, then it’s for the best.


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## lifeistooshort

I've been running for over 30 years and I'm telling you he's lying. He absolutely was having an affair.

I see this kind of thing all the time in running groups. He wouldn't have blown up the marriage if there wasn't already something going on. He doesn't want to look like a piece of ****.

You know what else i see? Him trying to come back when this thing blows up, and it likely will. Do not take him back.

Do yourself a favor and go contact. I wamt to be friends means I need a backup plan and don't want to look like a scumbag. Let this trash ho have him.


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## ShatteredKat

Zabu:

My first thought is he is dipping his wick elsewhere as well as being a waste of protoplasm. 

If he REALLY was a decent husband - he would NOT be looking for a paramour to share his personal interests in athletics. He would be searching for and finding a group of like minded folks and join their club or organization.

I vote you get a lawyer pronto. Get yourself to your physician for complete tests for STDs. And repeat six months later.

You will find yourself healing better and sooner by going no contact. Regarding splitting up household and finances - discuss with your lawyer. 

So sorry to read of your situation - but you didn't know what you know now when you married years ago.

Some folks have a brand of "integrity" that is *for their convenience only*. One appears to be your soon-to-be-EX!

Take to heart the advices already posted - you will get through this horrible time and find a better life when the emotional healing happens. And - it will happen. Yes you will carry a scare in your memory but life does get better after divorce.


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## Jimi007

Do you know who this other woman is ?


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## Zabu

Thanks, everyone. 
Yes, we had separate hobbies, but I went to hundreds of his races. And ultra marathon races take hours and hours, not to mention the driving to and from and getting ready and all the care the days after. We also arranged the great majority of our vacations around his races. It's not like I wasn't supportive. No, I don't camp or cycle...It's no secret and he has lots of friends that he does these thing with. On the other hand, you rarely saw him come to any of my competitions and never did he offer to help me out for the day at a horse show. 
We did do lots together...we both play pool together pretty much daily, we travel, we both love to eat at new restaurants, going to the movies all sorts of things. We weren't incompatible. Couples iMO don't have to do everything together.
Yes, I do know who she is. She came to a running group party at my house in the Spring and I could tell at that time that she had a crush on him. I even mentioned it to him and he laughed it off. Says she was in the midst of a nasty separation and had three kids and he'd never get involved in anything like that even if he was single. Makes me wonder.
He told me yesterday that he didn't feel he could show me any emotion because he thought it would just make me feel worse. I asked him if he thought that if he showed me emotion I would take that as a sign he wanted to maybe get back together. He said yes. I told him not to worry about it, because I wouldn't take him back even if he wanted to. And, I really don't think I would, as a husband. As a friend, likely.
We see a mediator next week to start the separation agreement. 
I've spent Christmas Eve and Day alone and I've never been so sad in my life. 
Tomorrow the kids are coming over for Boxing Day dinner with he and I and then to open gifts. After the kids leave, I'm going to quietly gather my stuff and go to my condo for good. Whether he sees me leave or not, I don't much care. I really need to get away from there, although leaving my home will be the hardest thing I've ever done.


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## Openminded

Sadly, we don’t always know someone as well as we think. I was married 45 years before I ended it and when I met him I was sure he would never cheat but he did. We were a few years older than your husband when I divorced him and he remarried the moment the judge signed the final decree (but not to his affair partner — to someone new he met when I said I was done). All of it was a tremendous shock and I was sure I would never get over it and rebuild my life and be happy again but I did and am. So will you. In the meantime, focus on you and take things day by day. It helped me to make lists of things I had to do and wanted to do and wished I could do. Every time I crossed something off my list felt like I was making progress. Be easy on yourself. It will take time to create a new normal.


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## Openminded

As for her, I doubt that just began after he told you. More likely, it began in the spring or even some point before that — although it’s certainly possible that she was the one to signal her interest in him first. My exH was a very passive man where women were concerned but he was handsome and successful and caught the attention of many. He didn’t shut it down and so it went from there. Same may be true of your husband. She could easily have been the pursuer but you’ll probably never get the truth about that.


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## snowbum

Get a lawyer and get your money. Girlfriend probably thinks he’s her sugar daddy. 38 years? Take him to the cleaners.


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## Dormatte

Zabu said:


> I'm new here and struggling.
> My partner of 38 years. 31 of them married, completely blindsided me by telling me he wants to split up.
> I know that in the past when someone told me they had no idea it was coming, I always thought.."You must have had SOME idea...", but I truly had no idea. I thought everything was great. 2 weeks before he had booked us a vacation to Mexico for January. We had just hosted a big Hallowe'en party where he insisted we take all these pictures together....Then, this.
> He is 63, I am 58. He is an ultra marathon runner and in fantastic shape. I am considered an attractive woman, but I am not and have never been athletic, like he is.
> He told me that since he has retired, he has so much time now he realizes that he wants to be with someone who wants to do the same things he does...running, cycling, backpacking, camping. All things I don't do. There is no chance of changing his mind.
> I asked if he was having an affair and he absolutely denied it. I asked if he had anyone in mind and he said no.
> 2 weeks later, he admitted that he did have someone in mind and that he had been interested in her since Sept, (She's 48) but hadn't made any sort of advance until after he split up with me. At which point, he went to her and confessed how he felt. (Why does he tell me this sort of thing? It just hurts more.) He has been seeing her since and believes that as soon as he said the magic phrase "I want split up." it gave him carte blanche to do whatever he wanted because the marriage was over.
> Immediately after he told me he wanted to split up, I purchased a condo and began to furnish it. He has been helping enormously.
> I don't know how to take it. He says he cares and wants us to still be friends and yet he has hurt me deeply and yet, I still love him and want to be around him. I'm so confused.
> We are starting legal separation Jan 1.
> Any words of wisdom out there? I will be moving out of the house Dec 26 and I just know that when the door closes and I'm on my own in the new place I'm going to fall apart.



Cut him out of your life completely.


Stop allowing yourself to be around him.


He doesn't need to be around you unless it's in court or with a lawyer present.


This relationship was doomed from the start.


You both settled for someone who you truly were incompatible with...

Both for your own reasons...

Both probably with the mutual reasons of loneliness...and perhaps desperation.

It's very likely he always saw you as a friend. It is highly likely that she isn't the first.

It was tolerable because of work, and not really seeing or perhaps spending alot of time together.



It was only a matter of time things would completely dissolve. 

It was only a matter of time before one or both of you found other people.


Even if you aren't admitting it, you had an idea. 


Both of you probably share the feeling of unhappiness with one another.


Never should have began a relationship or married.



You two have always been incompatible.


This is what happens when people try to force compatibility from the get go.


Destined to fail.

Even if you stayed together a long time, it was still failing.


He most likely have always seen you as a friend. He cares only for you as a friend. 

He manipulates you and try to keep you around now because you're a comfortable reliable optional that he knows will come back to him because you have feelings for him.



Whenever relationships don't work out with others, he knows that he can come back to you...his reliable option that will always be there.. waiting.



Please stop allowing yourself to be a doormat.


There's nothing here to save. 

There shouldn't be a friendship. 

You are only hindering yourself and preventing possible happiness and growth by allowing him to remain in your life.


You're hurting and harming yourself.


It's best to let him go and leave him alone.


In the meantime, learn how to love and respect yourself perhaps in therapy.



If you ever want to become involved with someone in the future, please don't settle for incompatibility.




A marathon and highly physically active explorative person will never be compatible with someone who isn't that doesn't genuinely share the interest or passion.



I'm sorry this is happening.

Please learn to do better.


Learn to love yourself.


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## Jimi007

If you know who this woman is , I would contact her and give her a piece of your mind...Not to get your husband back , that part is already over.

Do it just for you


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## gameopoly5

Zabu said:


> Thanks, everyone.
> Yes, we had separate hobbies, but I went to hundreds of his races. And ultra marathon races take hours and hours, not to mention the driving to and from and getting ready and all the care the days after. We also arranged the great majority of our vacations around his races. It's not like I wasn't supportive. No, I don't camp or cycle...It's no secret and he has lots of friends that he does these thing with. On the other hand, you rarely saw him come to any of my competitions and never did he offer to help me out for the day at a horse show.
> We did do lots together...we both play pool together pretty much daily, we travel, we both love to eat at new restaurants, going to the movies all sorts of things. We weren't incompatible. Couples iMO don't have to do everything together.
> Yes, I do know who she is. She came to a running group party at my house in the Spring and I could tell at that time that she had a crush on him. I even mentioned it to him and he laughed it off. Says she was in the midst of a nasty separation and had three kids and he'd never get involved in anything like that even if he was single. Makes me wonder.
> He told me yesterday that he didn't feel he could show me any emotion because he thought it would just make me feel worse. I asked him if he thought that if he showed me emotion I would take that as a sign he wanted to maybe get back together. He said yes. I told him not to worry about it, because I wouldn't take him back even if he wanted to. And, I really don't think I would, as a husband. As a friend, likely.
> We see a mediator next week to start the separation agreement.
> I've spent Christmas Eve and Day alone and I've never been so sad in my life.
> Tomorrow the kids are coming over for Boxing Day dinner with he and I and then to open gifts. After the kids leave, I'm going to quietly gather my stuff and go to my condo for good. Whether he sees me leave or not, I don't much care. I really need to get away from there, although leaving my home will be the hardest thing I've ever done.


I am by no means condoning your husband`s behaviour, in my book he is an a/hole.
But I have to wonder what went wrong in your marriage.
Do your children know about this separation and how were things in the bedroom department?


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## MIB

Look into lawyers for your own protection. When you find one that seems like a rotten human that you would never call a friend, hire that one. 

Your husband deserves no soft landing here.


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## BeyondRepair007

How are you doing @Zabu ?

I'm sure the holidays were hard, but they are over now. Is mediation moving forward?


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## Zabu

BeyondRepair007....Things are moving forward with mediation. We both had our individual intakes on Wednesday so we are waiting for a date for the actual mediation meeting. 
He is constantly offering to help me with this or that or texting me about things that aren't important. He says that he can barely stand to be in the house because everywhere he looks he sees our life together. He is still seeing "her", however. 
I have absolutely no intention of taking him back, even if he did ask.
He let something slip that allowed me to write out a timeline which proved that he's been seeing this woman since before our split...something he swore wasn't happening. When I presented him with the proof, he said that was "my truth" and I was just misunderstanding some of what was said. He refused to admit he lied.
I told him yesterday that I felt he didn't give up anything..He still had the house, the other woman and was coming over to see me. He was having his cake and eating it too. He disagreed, of course and gave me some babble. I read a quote that said: "The only way to stop a cake eater is to take the fork and leave with it." So, that's what I did.
This morning I told him I didn't want to see him for awhile and I'd let him know when. He immediately began texting me throughout the day. I just gave one word answers, if I had to.
So...I'm very lonely...That's actually the worst part so far. I never thought I'd be alone at this point in my life. It's very difficult for me.That, if anything, is what is going to weaken me to see him again...pure loneliness. 

Thanks for asking.

Zabu


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## Jamieboy

Zabu said:


> BeyondRepair007....Things are moving forward with mediation. We both had our individual intakes on Wednesday so we are waiting for a date for the actual mediation meeting.
> He is constantly offering to help me with this or that or texting me about things that aren't important. He says that he can barely stand to be in the house because everywhere he looks he sees our life together. He is still seeing "her", however.
> I have absolutely no intention of taking him back, even if he did ask.
> He let something slip that allowed me to write out a timeline which proved that he's been seeing this woman since before our split...something he swore wasn't happening. When I presented him with the proof, he said that was "my truth" and I was just misunderstanding some of what was said. He refused to admit he lied.
> I told him yesterday that I felt he didn't give up anything..He still had the house, the other woman and was coming over to see me. He was having his cake and eating it too. He disagreed, of course and gave me some babble. I read a quote that said: "The only way to stop a cake eater is to take the fork and leave with it." So, that's what I did.
> This morning I told him I didn't want to see him for awhile and I'd let him know when. He immediately began texting me throughout the day. I just gave one word answers, if I had to.
> So...I'm very lonely...That's actually the worst part so far. I never thought I'd be alone at this point in my life. It's very difficult for me.That, if anything, is what is going to weaken me to see him again...pure loneliness.
> 
> Thanks for asking.
> 
> Zabu


I'm so sorry for your situation, you absolutely didn't deserve this and you are doing completely the right thing. Something to be admired. 

I confidently predict his life will end a sad and lonely one. The new woman will continue her active lifestyle without him once his body starts to breakdown, which to be blunt, won't be long now. 

This is a classic affair fog he's in, the wanting to be in contact all the time is standard. He's trying to prepare a soft landing with you when his new relationship goes south. 

Again I'm really sorry you're having to start again.


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## Luckylucky

Very sorry to hear. Sorry he’s not respecting your boundaries and keeps texting you all the time. It often doesn’t mean he wants to come back, usually just keeping tabs on you to make sure he gets what he wants in the end. I wouldn’t even respond with one word replies if you feel you don’t want to. He’s clearly chosen her, again, I’m very sorry. 

You’ve moved fast, and that’s a good thing for you, you’ll see this soon. It’s ok and normal if you do fall apart in your new place. You’ve earned that. Treat yourself to some expensive bedsheets and get your bed beautiful and ready for your grief. Your grief won’t be long or permanent. Big hugs to you.


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## BeyondRepair007

Zabu said:


> BeyondRepair007....Things are moving forward with mediation. We both had our individual intakes on Wednesday so we are waiting for a date for the actual mediation meeting.
> He is constantly offering to help me with this or that or texting me about things that aren't important. He says that he can barely stand to be in the house because everywhere he looks he sees our life together. He is still seeing "her", however.
> I have absolutely no intention of taking him back, even if he did ask.
> He let something slip that allowed me to write out a timeline which proved that he's been seeing this woman since before our split...something he swore wasn't happening. When I presented him with the proof, he said that was "my truth" and I was just misunderstanding some of what was said. He refused to admit he lied.
> I told him yesterday that I felt he didn't give up anything..He still had the house, the other woman and was coming over to see me. He was having his cake and eating it too. He disagreed, of course and gave me some babble. I read a quote that said: "The only way to stop a cake eater is to take the fork and leave with it." So, that's what I did.
> This morning I told him I didn't want to see him for awhile and I'd let him know when. He immediately began texting me throughout the day. I just gave one word answers, if I had to.
> So...I'm very lonely...That's actually the worst part so far. I never thought I'd be alone at this point in my life. It's very difficult for me.That, if anything, is what is going to weaken me to see him again...pure loneliness.
> 
> Thanks for asking.
> 
> Zabu


You're doing all the right things, backing off from soon to be ex and putting distance in there so you can detach properly.

The one-word answers are perfect, but if it's not _important_ then maybe don't even reply. Force the "leave me alone" message to be heard.

Loneliness... yea, that's going to be tough for a long time. The best thing you can do is to try to stay active. Visit friends or relatives, volunteer for activities, join a craft club if that's what you like. Try to fill up some of the hours with a social life. It won't fix the problem but it might make it more bearable.

And take care of yourself especially well right now. This is terrible for a person to go through, very much like grief, like losing a family member. Think of it that way and surround yourself with all the best things that you like for a while.

Stay strong, you've got this. Keep chiming in here on TAM and the folks here will continue to give you great support.


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## frenchpaddy

Zabu said:


> He is constantly offering to help me with this or that or texting me about things that aren't important. He says that he can barely stand to be in the house because everywhere he looks he sees our life together. He is still seeing "her", however.


I PITY him the man is a fool , he thinks this new woman is going to light a new fire for him , 
I am happy you are not going to take him back sorry he did not talk about his feelings before when he retired 

you seem to be doing things right for now 
it seems like you grow apart more so than he just looking for a hubby friend


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## lifeistooshort

OP, he wants to keep you as a backups plan. That's why he keeps harassing you.

Stop responding. He wants his trash? Let her have him. Guaranteed he will beg for you to come back when that relationship fails.

You're doing a great job, now you just need to cut him off. "That's your truth" is frankly intelligence insulting. Tell him to save his ******** and cut him off.


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## frenchpaddy

lifeistooshort said:


> Stop responding. He wants his trash? Let her have him. Guaranteed he will beg for you to come back when that relationship fails.


I would take bets on his relationship failing give them 2 years max


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## lifeistooshort

frenchpaddy said:


> I would take bets on his relationship failing give them 2 years max


Easily. Neither one can be trusted, hubby's gf is a good bit younger, and she will be getting attention from other men in the running community. He's not as good of a deal as he thinks and will be less so once his divorce is final.

Other female runners know she's trash.

I've seen this in the groups many times.


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## frenchpaddy

lifeistooshort said:


> Easily. Neither one can be trusted, hubby's gf is a good bit younger, and she will be getting attention from other men in the running community. He's not as good of a deal as he thinks and will be less so once his divorce is final.
> 
> Other female runners know she's trash.
> 
> I've seen this in the groups many times.


yes give him 10 years that makes him 74


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## lifeistooshort

Another thing OP. These ultra runners are extremely selfish and full of themselves. The sport pretty much requires selfishness.

Want to get under his skin? Tell him that not only would you not take him back, but he doesn't look as good as he thinks and his aging process is speeding up. He still has to compete with the younger dudes.

Guaranteed he's having trouble getting older and is telling himself that a younger gf means he looks all kinds of younger. I know loads of guys in their 50's and 60's that are in fantastic shape but they all look their age. Tell him everyone is laughing at him behind his back because they probably are.

How do i know this? Let's just say that runners gossip a lot.


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## Evinrude58

I just read your thread and have some comments:

1). He with zero doubt was cheating on you and is a liar when he pretends he wasn’t. 
2) he is with zero doubt going to one day be begging, and I mean on his knees, for you to take him back. 

Some things:
You have lived with this man all these years, he’s grown accustomed to you. Obviously you’re an easy person to share life with. A reasonable, loving, happy, supportive, normal person. Do not think for a millisecond that you are so easily replaced and aren’t completely worthy of a loyal, loving, exceptional man.
You should (I’m glad you are) divorce this man, if only because he is an idiot. And for certain he still has feelings for you but stupidly thinks he’s such a catch that he is somehow immune to the hazards that other people face in relationships—- because he’s had YOU and doesn’t know betrayal, irresponsibility, mental illness, dirtiness, poor character—and all the other qualities that are so common and almost positively going to be a huge factor with his current honey in the future.

loyalty.
Honor
Honesty
Intelligence

these are traits this man doesn’t possess.
He has completely ruined his own life. He and his partner are both cheaters. They have a huge age gap. There is no possibility whatsoever that this will result in anything but him dying as an old, lonely, angry man. He will regret this decision for the rest of his life.

My hopes and what I predict for you is that you will find a man that has all the important qualities your current husband lacks, that your new man treasures, and that YOU are very happy for many years. Your husband will not be so lucky.

I know you are hurting, but every decision you’ve made after him telling you this horrible thing—- it’s what a strong, healthy, good person would do. I very much admire the way you’re handling this and hope the best for you OP. I have no doubt you’ll be happier than ever in a couple of years.
One last thing: I hope you break his sorry tail financially in the divorce. He deserves it.

I’m curious, just based on my reading here for many years. Was your physical relationship with your husband all these years—- was he content with the frequency and quality of things with you? Sometimes women starve their husbands for intimacy. I’ll bet a million that’s not the case here, I’m just curious.


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## Openminded

Yes, it’s an adjustment and it takes time. Sometimes a lot more time than you ever imagine it would. I was married 45 years when I divorced. My husband fought it because that was never his plan. But neither did he plan to let go of his “friend”. He wanted all the continued comforts of home with the added fun of a shiny new toy. That’s what your husband is doing. You’ll end up feeling played if you don’t put an end to it. Focus on you and your new life.


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## Zabu

Evinrude58...we had our ups and downs through kids and career and all that like any couple. He was away a lot travelling for work. I think we had an "average" to slightly higher than average rate. The sex we had was great. The last few years, I've been on disability from work because my back is so bad, so there were times I said "no". There were also times I didn't say no, when I should have. 
I want to thank everyone for their kind words. 
Of course, the second day, I called him to help me out because I was getting ripped off by a mechanic...he saved me a bunch of money. Still, it didn't take long for me to need him to come to my rescue, did it? How do I expect to do this alone when I can't even get through 2 days?
My therapist says I have the option to change my mind about my decisions anytime. My decision can last an hour, a week a month or forever, but as long as it lasts the right amount of time FOR ME, it's right. So, I guess I shouldn't beat myself up. I fell off the wagon, but I can get back on.
It's so confusing...Sometimes he's the man I know...like today when he was helping me...and then his evil twin shows up and tells me things like "That's your truth" when reality is staring him in the face. It's mind boggling.
What else is mind boggling is that I actually feel BAD for telling him not to come around. Like, I don't want to hurt his feelings. How messed up is that? 
On the plus side, it's 5:30 pm and I haven't cried yet, today. There's a record.
Zabu


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## Openminded

I hope you’re not having sex with him. That would be a bad mistake.


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## Zabu

Openminded said:


> I hope you’re not having sex with him. That would be a bad mistake.


Not in this lifetime. 

Zabu


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## snowbum

No contact. None. He pitched you after 38 years. I’d say “I respect you. You want to be free. Now you are. Do not contact me. Lawyers will handle logistics. “ Do not engage. He walked out. Close the door behind him. He humiliated you. No going back.


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## jorgegene

Not an honorable man where I come from. No one leaves their long time mate of 38 years just to get their jollies. A marriage is suppose to be for life, unless 
extenuating circumstances in the extreme. He sounds to me like he's just feeding his mid life crises. Unless you were abusive, or intolerable (not saying you were), then
throwing away 38 years is foolish. A real man (or woman) sticks it out through thick and thin. My 2 cents. As far as what to do, you've already gotten sage advice.


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