# First time poster--heartbroken



## discarded1975 (Oct 2, 2011)

I am 36 years old and have been with my H for almost 20 years..married for almost 17...I have stayed through it all...being smacked around,belittled,having every thing I do from housework to sex critiqued,and cheated on repeatedly almost from day 1..those are the bad things. The wonderful things are that we have a nice home,both gainfully employed now,3 beautiful children..2 daughters(15 and 11) and a son(3 1/2)...they adore their father as he does them...my 15 yr.old has said she wants dad to "grow up" and come home. Back in May 2011,my H was reintroduced to someone from before we met who he went to a summer college prep class with...she was horribly unattractive,crass,and from second 1,was out to get a piece of my H.She invited him and a lesbian couple who also attended that prep course with them to meet them at the mall for lunch.He took our 11 year old along as she loves the mall.Our daughter old me this "big fat lady" was trying to hug and kiss dad and trying to even keep her from sitting with them during lunch,as she wanted to sit next to him.About 10 days later,Memorial Day weekend,that woman was sending my husband kissy face messages and trying to convince him to hang out with her for her birthday that weekend.He didn't go but started protecting that phone with all he had.I told him this woman was after him and he told me she was lesbian,leaving her husband for another woman,and that they were only friends.I gave him the ultimatum that day "tell Bozo the ***** to kick rocks"...she isn't lesbian and she's after you. He hit me that day for the first time in more than 10 years,and I told him to leave. I love him,I want us to be us again,and I want Tubbo the Clown to go back to the past where she came from.We have been going to counseling since about a week after the separation first started,and it is working wonders,but he won't stop talking to this woman. He deleted his FB to keep me from seeing the pictures she posted when they all went out a few weeks ago...She's still full on trying to keep him from coming home to his family. I assured her he has told me he will choose me and he wants to be with me.He has said he does not love her,and isn't the least bit attracted to her sexually but keeps talking to her.I cannot accept them being friends and I want her gone.I can forgive a lot,as you've seen earlier in the post,but I will not allow this person to be in my life or my husband's one more day....Advice appreciated on how to get Bozo to walk away and go wreck someone else's life?


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Hi there.
I am so sorry you are here it is an awful time for you but hopefully you can get some advice here that will help you through.


This is the short version. Correct me if I am wrong


She is an old flame who is sort of, but not quite a lesbian..
He has admitted to seeing the Other Woman [OW]
He is attending counseling [MC] but still in contact with her
Your husband hit you when you confronted him. The first time in 10 years so not habitual. 
You kicked him out with an ultimatum to stop seeing her
He hasn't stopped seeing her.
He has un-friended you on FB 
He is a serial cheater.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

I did that last post so that other more experience members here can quickly see your situation.

You did the right thing in kicking him out. He is massively disrespecting you. 

I would stop MC until he agrees to verifiable NO CONTACT with the OW. You are just hurting yourself.

He must go NC and give you access to everything he has shut you out of. 

He must attend Individual Counseling [IC] for violence.

H says he loves you. How, exactly, is he showing this?

Hang in there. Stay with us. More people will be here soon.

Just breath and go for a walk for now. Eat something.


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## discarded1975 (Oct 2, 2011)

You are correct on most things...she was not an old flame...just someone he knew more than 20 years ago...he never mentioned her existence prior to the reunion...not 1 picture,story,or memory shared...and he used to tell me EVERYTHING...he claimed she was lesbian at first to try to get me to feel better about them being friends...she has a group of friends and coworkers who are,but she is not. I know I am being disrespected and I am taking a lot of efforts to not be a doormat,but I am once again putting my foot down tomorrow at counseling...she has to go.I know she is separated from her H..and she needs to worry more about that than trying to take mine I believe...thanks for your timely response...I just want the man I know he is to resurface...


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

It may take a while for him to come back. Some never come back.
It sounds to me like he is wavering which is good.

Have a plan when you go in to counseling with clear consequences if he does not agree to your terms or tries to "negotiate"

My stbxw [soon to be ex wife] is still trying to negotiate 7 months later. 

Good luck and keep us posted!


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## Tap1214 (Aug 14, 2011)

"The way you treat yourself sets the standard for others" -

Please re-read what "ing" has outlined and take her advice seriously. Not only is your husband a cheater, liar, but he's also violent. What kindof example are you setting for your two daughters? Stay strong and please keep us posted!


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

discarded1975 said:


> I have stayed through it all...being smacked around,belittled,having every thing I do from housework to sex critiqued,and cheated on repeatedly almost from day 1



to be honest I stopped reading after this

file for divorce, you deserve so much better in life than this


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> to be honest I stopped reading after this
> 
> file for divorce, you deserve so much better in life than this


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:
You have 2 daughters that don't need to be in the same house as this.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> to be honest I stopped reading after this
> 
> file for divorce, you deserve so much better in life than this


It was 10 years ago. He stopped doing that from my reading



> He hit me that day for the first time in more than 10 years,and I told him to leave.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

ing said:


> It was 10 years ago. He stopped doing that from my reading


okay my apologies, the way I was reading it was that he was hitting her and cheating on her for the whole marriage


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Track the OW's (other woman) facebook page or contact details down and find her parents, siblings and other persons who you think may be important in her life. If they are in facebook record their names and their web links in a word document and secure it so you husband cannot find it. 

How is you husband talking to her? Face to face, by phone , by text?

If he is calling her it is likely to be from the car. Buy a VAR (voice activated recorder) and hide it well in his car. 

Load a keylogger on the PC and if you suspect he is texting her, check his bill or load a spyware application on the phone. 

An immediate action is to call his parents, siblings and yours. Tell him that he struck you and that your husband is conducting an EA (emotional affair) with this woman . Ask them for help to stop him causing harm to your marriage. 

Do you still have marks from him hitting you, if so go to the police now and charge him with assault. 


For a short time be very nice and pleasant to him , I am talking about a couple of weeks not months. This does not mean you are going to allow him to walk over you. 

Read up on "the 180", there is a book "surviving and affair" by Harley that has some good tips on how you can deal with this situation


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

I agreed with Almost. I quit reading after the part where he hit you. For anyone, man or woman, that is not acceptable.


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## discarded1975 (Oct 2, 2011)

I contacted his brother immediately after I was hit...which was back in May...and was blown off. Not even a "what's the matter with you? Real men don't hit"...Not even a so much as "Are you ok?"...I stopped relying on any of his family a long time ago..they in all honesty are part of the reason he acts and does half the things he does...he's never been held accountable for his behavior or his violence because they are afraid of him...not of him assaulting them per se,but of him running off and ignoring them as he has done before...they live up the street,and I see less of them than when we lived across town...back to the EA...he communicates with her by text,phone when I am not around,and I saw before he deleted his FB page and she blocked me and my daughter out,that they had gone out to a bar socially with a group of people 2 weekends ago...our counselor has told him that she posted those pics knowing they would be seen by others we know,and to get at me delibrately...he agreed this so-called "friendship" is caustic and that she wants and is trying to be his next Mrs. 
I have been tempted to contact her husband and co-workers and ruin her...but it appears her husband has a "better him than me" attitude and her co-workers are all her best friends who seem to support her in her conquest as they were with them on their little bar hopping adventure...


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

You're going about this the wrong way. You can't scare off this woman. Your husband wants her and she wants him. Right now, he sort of has both of you. What man doesn't want to be wanted by two women?

If you want your husband without this other woman in your life, then you must remove yourself as his backup plan. Tell him he has X days to get her out of his life and you will allow him to come home and work on the marriage. If he balks, file for divorce.

It's possible that your husband will choose her over you. Or vice versa. But if neither of you forces him to choose, he won't.


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## discarded1975 (Oct 2, 2011)

He seems to think he has the upper hand in this...he told me in no uncertain terms "Clean up the house,change your attitude and realize that I love you,and I will stop talking to her,and come home"...and the house and everything from the dog to the kids has to be 'maintained' or no deal...He has showered me with praise,telling me I have no reason to be this insecure,and that he needs me to take better care of things(clean house,behaved kids,etc..)so that he feels loved and appreciated and things will be better than they ever were...I haven't mentioned his "friendship" since the day I saw the pics on FB,which has been about 2 weeks now...I want him to stop procrastinating and deliver on his promises that he is coming home and that she is not an issue any longer...I appreciate any and all advice coming my way,but he is staying at a co-workers apartment across town,he has his own PC,which I am not permitted access to and is password protected,he protects that phone like Fort Knox,and I am not a registered allowed user on the plan to have access to his texts or call usage,I know the apartment complex where he stays but I don't even know which apartment he lives in...he shows up at home daily,almost everything else he owns is here,with the exception of a few clothing items,toiletries,his computer,and his tattoo equipment,which I know he has been using as she also posted pics of a tattoo he did for one of her friends a couple weeks ago...I don't feel I am being unreasonable for demanding his immediate return,this person to crawl back under the rock she dragged her gigantic azz out from under,and have him stop making excuses and blaming me and these kids for why he doesn't live in museum with June Cleaver.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

If I had such control over my wife during my affair, I'd keep having the affair since I could choose who I want to be with and when. 

Serve him papers for divorce, and a restraining order for your protection from his reaction. Time for him to wake up and smell what he's standing in by choice.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

As HerToo said, you're accepting this. Your husband has no reason to stop his affair.

He may have a beef that your marriage wasn't perfect. But, an affair is not a tool to improve a marriage. First you end the affair, then you work on the marriage. Working on a marriage is not possible while another woman is in the picture.

Go ahead and file for divorce. You can always stop the process later if he ends the affair. But that's the only way you can get his attention.

And make big demands for alimony and child support. Sometimes, affairs can end because, "It's cheaper to keep her."


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## discarded1975 (Oct 2, 2011)

Just arrived home from the counselor...we discussed he OW and he stated that their friendship was over.Our counselor told him 2 weeks ago that his friendship with her was being mistaken for something else by her,and that she was trying to be more than his friend.He told us how he has not spoken with her and has had no contact with her since then.He stated that he loves me and his kids and wants to come home,and if she could not accept that,and the fact that he didn't have any romantic or sexual inclinations toward her regardless,she became angry and they are no longer friends.He even said that in his anger with her reacting so badly to being given the "I don't feel the same as you" speech that he hurt her feelings letting her know that he "isn't into fat chicks"...now it seems my biggest problem now is trying to get him to come home and enjoy his family and get past the original problem we had with life getting in the way..IE-kids,work,and not being able to get back to us in what little "down time" we had...I left counseling today feeling better knowing she is not the reason and is not a player in our marriage.He says we have a common goal...to be together again,and believe in each other that we want to live in our home together and enjoy each other again.He admits that for a short while,he was side tracked,enjoying the attention and admiration she showed him,but in the end he loves me,and just didn't want her...so now I feel I am at a crossroads...I am doing the work for myself regardless of him coming home or not but I do not want anything like this to happen again...


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

I suggest you don't agree to him coming home until he has evidenced his commitment to you in every aspect of his life and what he does . Holding out for this may prevent a false recovery.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> to be honest I stopped reading after this
> 
> file for divorce, you deserve so much better in life than this



:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

Being smacked around means it's time to pack it up and leave. There is No wiggle room for this in my book.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Did he agree to transparency?

If not. you have to assume he is not being straight with you.

The violence you mention is probably a much bigger issue and one that MUST be addressed. I don't just mean hitting but the "clean the house" stuff.


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

discarded1975 said:


> He seems to think he has the upper hand in this...he told me in no uncertain terms "Clean up the house,change your attitude and realize that I love you,and I will stop talking to her,and come home"...and the house and everything from the dog to the kids has to be 'maintained' or no deal...He has showered me with praise,telling me I have no reason to be this insecure,and that he needs me to take better care of things(clean house,behaved kids,etc..)so that he feels loved and appreciated and things will be better than they ever were...I haven't mentioned his "friendship" since the day I saw the pics on FB,which has been about 2 weeks now...I want him to stop procrastinating and deliver on his promises that he is coming home and that she is not an issue any longer...I appreciate any and all advice coming my way,but he is staying at a co-workers apartment across town,he has his own PC,which I am not permitted access to and is password protected,he protects that phone like Fort Knox,and I am not a registered allowed user on the plan to have access to his texts or call usage,I know the apartment complex where he stays but I don't even know which apartment he lives in...he shows up at home daily,almost everything else he owns is here,with the exception of a few clothing items,toiletries,his computer,and his tattoo equipment,which I know he has been using as she also posted pics of a tattoo he did for one of her friends a couple weeks ago...I don't feel I am being unreasonable for demanding his immediate return,this person to crawl back under the rock she dragged her gigantic azz out from under,and have him stop making excuses and blaming me and these kids for why he doesn't live in museum with June Cleaver.


File for D, do not pass go. He is playing you like a marionette. You are not the culprit; you have nothing to prove to him. You are very young and you can start over, if you have to. I was well over 40 when I married for the second time. Show him that you mean business; as long as he can get away with having his cake and eating it too, he will continue to do just that. All of the red flags are wavering in the wind on this one. I would bet the farm that he is actively involved in an ongoing affair. It is time for you to be your own advocate. My first H was a hitter, when I made that too dangerous to continue; he went on to other forms of abuse, like making every other person on earth more important then I was. I wasted years hoping he would change. He never did, and I wish that I had gotten out sooner. If he is going to change ( which I doubt ) he will show you by concrete and meaningful changes in the way he relates to you. I unwitting taught my oldest daughter that she should accept less in a relationship just as I had. I wish I had left her father long before she was old enough to be damaged by his behavior. She is now going through her third breakup with an abuser. Please take care of yourself, you deserve so much better than he has been willing to give you.


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## NURSE51 (Sep 22, 2011)

Bozo will not leave unless your husband tells her to.The fact that he does not tell her to in spite of your asking tells me he is not all there for you . Has his continuation of this inappropriate frienship been discussed with the counselor?


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## discarded1975 (Oct 2, 2011)

As of today,Bozo and H haven't had any contact for 2 weeks now...he told her he isn't into fat chicks and that he plans to reconcile and come home and work things out with me...she walked away...Our counselor spoke with him and I today and we have it established that no contact can ever be had between them again,and he said in all honesty he could care less if he ever does see or hear from her again...originally it was an issue because he thought he could be friends with her,and was once a long time ago,but she preyed on our separation as her new beginning...her mistake...our biggest deal now is to get back to us,without the violence(that was dormant for more than 10 years),learning to trust each other again,and growing old together as we always intended...


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

How do you KNOW that Bozo has not been in contact.
Are you just believing him? 
I hope for your sake that he is not gaslighting you further. It is easy for us BS to believe what we want to believe. It is easy to sweep things under the rug, but if you do you will be back here in 6-12 months and there will be a collective groan. 

Please TRUST but VERIFY.


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## discarded1975 (Oct 2, 2011)

I appreciate all and any advice and suggestions:smthumbup:I most DEFINITELY will trust but verify...I know he has something to prove in a lot of ways...and I know that he and Bozo haven't been in contact as all of her friends are swarming around her on FB offering advice and telling her she was wrong for trying to do what she was doing...I am stronger and better than ever before...I will get past this and I have learned a TON of valuable lessons in only 1 day of being here...I am confident that he is remorseful and follow the steps necessary to get back to my good graces...He has agreed to transparency and continued counseling...


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

discarded1975 said:


> I appreciate all and any advice and suggestions:smthumbup:I most DEFINITELY will trust but verify...I know he has something to prove in a lot of ways...and I know that he and Bozo haven't been in contact as all of her friends are swarming around her on FB offering advice and telling her she was wrong for trying to do what she was doing...I am stronger and better than ever before...I will get past this and I have learned a TON of valuable lessons in only 1 day of being here...I am confident that he is remorseful and follow the steps necessary to get back to my good graces...He has agreed to transparency and continued counseling...


Excellent news. Keep strong and my very best wishes to you both
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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