# EA vs PA ... just thoughts



## OneMarriedGuy (Apr 5, 2010)

Emotional affairs vs physical affairs ... which one is really worse? Realy more of a hypothetical question here...

While I'm sure this is not always true I think it has at least a bit of merit. I think guys are more likely to have a sexual affair first and have the emotional follow and girls the emotional first with the sexual to follow.

Why? I think often the man is not meeting the wife's emotional needs and the wife is not meeting her husbands sexual needs. Oddly the denial of these needs often leaves the needy one feeling much the same in both cases. They feel undesired, unloved, unrespected.

So which is worse? In my mind there is no clear answer here either. For instance. Lets say in a realtionship the wife is not meeting the husbands sexual needs and he is in turn not meeting her emotional needs. 

Scenario one wife has emotional affair/affairs. While for her this is only step one with the sexual to follow but it is also in a sense the worst as it the one most likely to pull her away from the marriage very hard and will be the hardest for the husband to combat as her emotions are elsewhere, her walls have been built up towards her husband. While for her carrying the affair to the next level is really a relatively small step, it can become ahuge step in the potential salvation of the marriage.

Why? Because her husband finding out about the EA will hopefully lead to a husband that can see where he has been short in delivering the emotional goods his wife needed and deserved. By her taking it to the next level she has given to another man that which she was withholding from her husband. So for her it was a rther small step, for him a devastating one.

Scenario two, same withholding of needs, this time the husband is the one that crosses the line of decency. He meets his needs with a physical affair. Unlike the EA, he really isn't too far gone at this point. Yes obviuosly he is gone far enough to cheat but compared to the wife having the EA, things are pretty salvagable on his side at this point. For thim the bigger step is the next where it turns into the EA as well. Now for the wife, once again, I think the PA is harder to accept than the EA. While an EA may have pissed her off, the PA is the thing that makes her feel all is lost.

So, (at lest in my assessment) having an EA, from the perspective of the one having the affair, means they are much further gone from their partner. Yet at the same time from the perspective of the one being cheated on, the PA is much harder to accept. I find that a bit odd in a sense.

On the surface it may seem odd that a woman that wanted little or nothing to do with a man sexually would care if he had sex elsewhere. I mean what is it - she just want to make certain he is emancipated and feels undesireable to everyone?

Or it may seem the same to wonder why a guy would care if his wife was having an EA where another guy was privy to details of her life and such that he wasn't. I mean if he really cared why didn't he pursue to validate her thoughts and listen inthe first place?

Yet, so often you hear the woman ask "What has she got that I haven't?" (In reality it probably has nothing to do with what she has that you don't, it is waht she is giving that you won't) But why the question? It really almost leads to maybe her real concern being that he may be not only having sex with her but actually taking an listeneing to her! She is wondering why the husband would give this other woman what he is withholding from her.

And the guy upset with the emotional affair? Pretty much the same. He beilieves the other guy is ater one thing ... Also he know his wife followed her 'liking" him with flirting and sex. He know the second follows close to the first and why would she be willing to give the other guy what she withholds from him?

If you are here and you have any belief that for most woman and men that sex and love and are deeply intertwined for both sexes, I think you may have a cloud over your eyes. 

Obviously for me to think that these were the only possibilities would make me quite lost. Would love to hear others thoughts both agreeing and disagreeing. 

One rule - whether you are reading or writing in this thread - anything I write is only MY OPINION anything you write is only yours, I'm willing to bet even those with quite a bit of facts and data will disagreee in many areas like this. So behave! I want to see lots of diffente thoughts and experiences and don't want people afraid to express theirs due to somebody behaving like a self righteous troll. 

So ...watcha thinkin?


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## cantletgo (Mar 22, 2010)

Me personally, my husband had a PA, and I think an EA would have been easier to deal with. However, I think that how one views either betrayal depends on the underlying reasons for it. My H was not getting the sex he wanted (7 days a week) but he certainly wasn't being deprived. His motivation was more of him fulfilling a need for variety. This is the worst thing about it, because I can't fix that.


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## LVS (Apr 5, 2010)

I was attracted with the title of your post i didn't have time to read it all i will come back as soon as i can but i like to share my thoughts about that
Of course it depends of the situation and we are talking about something happened for one time not keep happening everytime

you can talk about three types
EA PA and EPA if you want to think which is more hurtful you can't find the answer because the fact when your spouse let someone else get in his/her thoughts it is jeopardizing the marriage whether it is EA or PA or EPA

Now if you want to think what is more forgiven
Usually people will feel can forgive the EA because it's only about emotions and feelings and no physical touch
as for me in a logic way i think PA should be more forgiven because it's taking less from your spouse as i said if the PA happened for only one time and it's not a habit
but in the case of emotional physical affair it is taking the whole of your spouse heart body and soul and this is the worst


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

I was arguing yesterday with my wife about which is worse - a one night stand v. a long term EA. 

The one night stand wouldn't involve as many lies; it could be classified as a (BAD) mistake. Also the person having the affair has no real feelings to get over.

A long term EA could involve months and months of lies and deception; you couldn't chalk it up to a weak moment; and obviously you actually care about the other person - breaking it off is difficult. 

A one night stand, you might find yourself questioning what happened that ONE night - but an EA you start examining every missed phone call or night out for months.

I guess if you gave me the option - would you rather your wife sleep with another man once or develop a close "friendship", I would choose the questionable friendship. But I'm not sure it would be easier to move past.


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## LVS (Apr 5, 2010)

Hi i am back i read your thread and i loved the way you did your analysis for the moment i have nothing to add i think what i said falls at the same page with you
I will keep checking the others' reply
What nice777guy posted is so much true


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## OneMarriedGuy (Apr 5, 2010)

cantletgo Thank you for responding, I'm sorry to hear of your situation. Unfortunately we can only ever "fix" ourselves and hope that our mate has enough desire to do the same. Frustrating as anything some times

nice777guy exactly - I'd pick the EA over a one night stand too but really find it odd because of the reasons you mention

Le vieux sage - I find it perplexing that I would chose my sife to be in a EA over a one night stand. Is it partially because I feel so very undesired by her due to our sex lives being nearly nonexistent by her choice?

Best of luck to you all


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## LVS (Apr 5, 2010)

In a one night stand it's about giving one's body away driven by unevaluated and masked emotion. 
In a EA it's about giving away one's mind driven by a combination of factors usually provoked by the lack of the same combined factors his or her partner cannot give.
In general
Most men are more likely to tolerate a EA rather than one night stand
It's not the same in women perspective
I believe everyone can see it differently depending on the lack in their relationship that he or she cannot provide it
It's really hard to try to weigh one over the other both EA and a one night stand are destructive to the relationship


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

There is the belief that the PA is "easier to fix," but not if you peel away the issues. 

If wife is not meeting h's sexual needs, there is a VERY GOOD CHANCE it is related to him not meeting HER emotional needs. So, she cannot "fix things" by just giving him more sex, because she will grow to resent this if he does not change, too. 

Men (or whichever partner is happy with everything "except the frequency of sex") do not often seem to understand the complexity of this situation. Most likely, the wife did not withdraw sexually until she had already tried to get her emotional needs met--she probably was participating in sex HOPING that he would love her enough to give her what she was asking for--doing his share around the house, being more affectionate, whatever she TOLD him she needed. And yes, usually the wife has flat out SAID stuff like this; guys say that women "hint," but saying "I need more affection" is not a "hint." What she did NOT say--b/c at the time, she didn't feel this way--was, "I need more affection. I cannot be happy in a marriage without more affection, so you really need to listen b/c this is the kind of thing that could destroy our marriage." Guys hear, "I need more affection (or more X, or Y, or Z), but they think she isn't "serious" b/c nothing has really changed for them--until the sex starts to decline. By then, the connection between her needs and the frequency of sex has been hidden--she's given up mentally, and her physical response--withdrawal--is the natural consequence of her feeling hopeless about the situation. The sex has become a chore--something she participated in freely and lovingly, with the assumption she would, in a healthy marriage, have her other important needs met freely and lovingly--has become the evidence (to her) of a one-way relationship: she gives sex and gets nothing she needs in return. 

She is not "withholding" sex. She is not "punishing" or attempting to control her man with sex. She has a real lack of desire b/c she does NOT get her needs met. 

Before a guy has an affair, he needs to ask himself, CAN I meet her needs? Do I want to? (But of course, neither men nor women in this situation ask the questions they should ask, b/c they are angry, hurt, etc.) 

It is quite possible that a woman has unreasonable expectations/demands and loses desire b/c she has unreasonable expectations that are not being met. But "blaming" her for withdrawing sexually is not addressing the real issue--this is when a man has to say, "I cannot meet your need for XXX. We need help." 

Of course, we all know how easily people reach out for help 

(I'm not even addressing the issue of men whose affairs have nothing to do with lack of sex at home, although I think that is relatively rare, it does happen, and that's the guy we call the "hound dog.")

Anyway, just some thoughts in response to the original question. The solution in both situations is the same--making sure a woman's needs are met so that she can desire her husband enough to please him--which means that then HIS needs are met, too.


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## 2Daughters (May 13, 2010)

IMHO..it doesn't matter whether it's an EA or a PA..I think it depends how long it last and what destruction it causes in the relationship or to those affected..an EA can lead to a PA or just a 1 time fling..EA/PA are continous long term as everyone knows..bottom line is the betraying spouse is going to be connected to the OM/OW in either case and upset if it has to end just from a selfish point...and regardless both spouses need to work on themselves in order for the relationship to survive...the EA/PA is just another barrier to overcome and depending on how many barriers were in the relationship before, this just possibly makes it improbable to overcome.


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## NotGoodEnough (Apr 22, 2010)

Personally I think a EA is worse than a PA. Woman are emotional and we're centered around feelings and emotions. 
It just shattered my heart when I found out my H had deeper feelings and was still in love w/his ex-girlfriend. (A little piece of me died inside) He said things to her he's never ever said to me, he expressed himself to her in ways I never knew he was capable of feeling, he just sounded like a different person around her and that killed me. Maybe I'm overly emotional but I would have rather he had a 1x PA then tell another woman he cared more for her than for me, that he thought about her day/night, that he regretted losing her, that he can't bare seeing her w/ another man bc it kills him......

They're both terrible! My advice, don't get married if you can't control yourself emotionally or physical and COMMUNICATE!


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## FOM (Jun 23, 2010)

If it's just physical there are fewer issues to deal with, but I doubt that many PAs develop before a EA is already full blown, especially from a woman's perspective. So in my opinion a PA is worse because it probably involves the double whammy of an EA as well. Recovery from either would be difficult.


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## Gman (Jun 11, 2010)

Q: What's worse, an EA or a PA?

A: Yes.


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