# had to share this but i cant share with my wife



## saggan (Mar 3, 2010)

I have started to think about why I am depressed and some of my depression I am actually causing my self. I have issues with dependency and abandonment. I am so scared of being alone that I actually push people away to test how far I can push before they leave me but at the same time I am upset that they are pulling away from me causing me to become depressed then I pick fights with them. Causing them to pull away more and deepening my depression. I am always feeling lonely and I’m afraid to let anyone close because they have used that to hurt me or as reason to leave. I don’t even think my wife truly knows who I am because I have hidden myself from other people for so long that I don’t know myself anymore. I know what I am but not who I am. 

This has spilled over to my married life. My need to not be alone causes a lot of anxiety and neediness in me that I don’t like so I fight with my self creating more depression. Or I look to my wife for more attention that I have come to take for granted as always being there being very selfish on my part to end some of my loneliness, and that causes 2 problems first is, I’m not getting the attention I’m looking for so I’m more lonely and more depressed and second it upsets my wife making her less inclined to want to help me or even be around me and this makes me more anxious lonely and depressed. 

What I don’t know is why I do this to myself or how to fix it. The more I think about it the worse I feel I start to think well maybe I’m just a whiner but then I tell myself if that were true then why am I not happier, or I think well maybe I really am nuts or disturbed or have something very wrong and start telling myself that I shouldn’t be around anyone because I know that they will end up hurt either because I’ve lied to them or pushed them away, this just creates more depression and loneliness and I’m getting tired of being on this marry-go-round and I want off. 

However sometimes I tell myself that I have created this problem and that I should live with it even if I end up unhappy and all alone, this is when I’m at my lowest I hide from friends and family, I have had what I would consider to be a complete breakdown, until I get enough attention and talk myself out of doing anything harmful to myself, looking over this I can see the selfishness of it but I still couldn’t say why I do it.

I’d like to tell my wife this but I don’t think she would understand why I would want her to see it, I think of it as an explanation for my behavior, but I think she would see this as a negative and it would cause another fight between us and I cant do that anymore


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## MissBhaven (Mar 18, 2010)

saggan

I don't have much advice for you but want you to know that you're not alone with what you're feeling. What is your dependency? 

I kinda know how you feel when you say that it feels like you push people away. I too seem to have a hard time getting along with others - by that I mean that as soon as I feel they have betrayed me in any way, they are discarded from my life like trash. I know it is wrong but even growing up I'm the kind that holds a grudge.

Hiding my depression from everyone makes me feel that they CAN'T judge me even though deep down most days are very dark. Like you I also have noone to talk to. Neither hy H or my children knows I see a counselor or take meds for my depression/anxiety....my H would not be a supportive any way. 

Have you considered seeking help for your depression? Is this something your wife would consider doing with you so she could understand better what's going on? Even if she seeked her own counseling to know how to deal with or help someone who is depressed.

I don't believe you are "nuts" or "disturbed". Please consider seeking some kind of help even if your wife won't. Keep me posted.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Saggan, I agree with MissBehaven that your behavior does not sound nuts or crazy. Rather, it sounds like the classic traits of Borderline Personality Disorder, or BPD. All of us have such traits at a low level. They only become a problem when they rise to such a strong level that they are causing you grief and interfering with your relationships. Only a professional can tell whether they rise to such a severe level that a diagnosis of BPD is warranted. 

One of the hallmarks of the BPD illness is the pushing-away and pulling-you-back behavior you describe. It occurs because the BPDer fears both abandonment and engulfment (from intimacy). Hence, as the wife draws close to a BPDer in an intimate encounter, he feels like he is losing his identity and being engulfed by her. So he pushes her away -- that night or the next morning -- by starting a fight over nothing. 

Yet, as she backs off to give him breathing space, his abandonment fears are triggered, causing him to try to reel her back in by being especially sweet. Indeed, it is common for a BPDer to even abandon friends preemptively, i.e., dump them before they have a chance to do it to him so as to avoid the pain of experiencing abandonment.

Those characteristics are reflected in the titles of classic books on this subject: "Stop Walking on Eggshells" and "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me." I am not a psychologist. I know about BPD because I lived for 15 years with a woman who suffers from such traits.

As to the loneliness you mention, BPD may explain that too. BPDers have only a weak and unstable sense of who they are (often, but not always, due to a traumatic experience of being abandoned in early childhood -- or having a parent who was emotionally unavailable). Because they have difficulty knowing who they are, they try to find someone to be around who will help define them. Hence, when a BPDer is in a home by himself, he really feels very alone.

Recent studies have shown that BPDers usually have another disorder or illness in addition to the BPD traits. Moreover, depression -- which you suffer from -- is one of the common traits. Hence, I also agree with MissBehaven's advice that you seek guidance from a therapist. I would recommend finding one who is highly skilled in treating Cluster B disorders, which includes BPD. Meanwhile, if you have any questions about it, I would be happy to try to answer what I can based on my experience with my ex. Take care.


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