# Nine years married-6 with no intimacy



## cantstandmuchmore (Mar 9, 2014)

I have been married to an essentially good man and good father for over nine years. For the past six years and especially in the last year, I have been constantly addressing the issue of no sex, no intimacy. I have gone down every support road I can, put myself really out there and started over again and again and again. All to no avail. And now, I just don't want to be touched by him in an intimate way because it is all meaningless, tick the box exercises. 
Is it over?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Sure sounds like it to me.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Are you done, ready to leave or just ready stop trying with him? As an outsider opinion it sounds like you have done everything possible to change your dynamic. It doesn't seem that it is important to him. He has had opportunity to change and to work with you. He hasn't.


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## cantstandmuchmore (Mar 9, 2014)

I have stopped trying and hoped he would realise how serious it is. I know he loves me and would be devastated if it ended but he still has never addressed the problems. I dont want to be done but I just don't know what else to try. Three fab kids, two great careers, its just that he has no intimate needs and I do. It's like being alone in a relationship.


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## cantstandmuchmore (Mar 9, 2014)

Its only since I started to google the whole thing that one year seems to be a lengthy time period for this kind of problem. And here I am almost seven years on.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

How old are the two of you? What does he say when you bring up the subject of your non-sex life?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

You can
1) cheat
2) do nothing
3) work on things, or
4) divorce

I highly recommend #3 myself. But he has to make that choice also or it won't work.

What does he say to MC?


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## cantstandmuchmore (Mar 9, 2014)

He is 48. I am 36. We have great conversations about it when its not a row and he is always ready to start again. Tomorrow. If you know what I mean!! 
Already participated in MC and it was a very difficult experience for me. He continued on personal work for a while. Has given up. No change. That is a year ago now.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Did he go in for a medical, including a testosterone check?

Personally, I'd go with Hope's list. Except I'd lean more towards accepting the fact that you have a roommate, or getting a divorce. The odds of "fixing" his drive is low. 

Does he masturbate? You're sure he's not having sex with anyone else?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cantstandmuchmore (Mar 9, 2014)

I guess, I am really just wondering, if the sex goes and the desire to be physically intimate goes, and the kissing goes, and these things dont cross his mind unless I raise the issue....can it ever be made right again? I am not sure I respect him any more.


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## cantstandmuchmore (Mar 9, 2014)

Did he go in for a medical, including a testosterone check?

Personally, I'd go with Hope's list. Except I'd lean more towards accepting the fact that you have a roommate, or getting a divorce. The odds of "fixing" his drive is low. 

Does he masturbate? You're sure he's not having sex with anyone else?


All done......... no medical issues. Possibly low level depression but he is functional. No sex with anyone else, prefers to sleep. No self service of note.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Give him one month. Tell him you are doing so. Tell him that if, after one month, you have not had sex, and you are not reasonably sure you will continue to have sex, that you are filing for divorce. Then DO it.

You don't want to live this way for the rest of your life. I know you don't.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

It's not going to be made right unless he becomes fully committed to making it right (as well as you). And he's not going to care until he realizes how serious this is (if then). So far, you've taught him that you'll squawk a lot, but you won't actually do anything besides make noise. And that's acceptable to him, obviously. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cantstandmuchmore (Mar 9, 2014)

No I don't. And it has reached the stage where i struggle to be a participant because it just has hurt so much.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

cantstandmuchmore said:


> All done......... no medical issues. Possibly low level depression but he is functional. No sex with anyone else, prefers to sleep. No self service of note.


I'm skeptical of your answer here. Sorry, I just am. Have you ruled these things out definitively? That is, have you done things like reconciled the phone numbers on his cell phone? Have you searched his computer and phone history and cookies for porn sites? Have you personally seen the number for his testosterone? Not just assurances that he's in the "normal" range, but what is the actual number?

The sad fact is, playing the odds, it's likely to be one of a short list of issues. Low T, and thus low sex drive; he's cheating; he's getting his needs met with secret porn use; he's not attracted to you; or some kind of old resentments.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

I'm going to use another posters advice that I found helpful and true in my own situation.

People with low sex drives are just that way. It may be nothing personal at all. The way our bodies are always reminding us to have sex and noticing how long it's been since we've had sex - lower drive people do not get these bodily reminders at all. 

Your husband could remind himself that he needs to have sex with you - but that is likely the best it can be fixed. A pure DESIRE to have sex may be impossible to stir up in him. 

It's unlikely that what you want and need - a passionate partner - is going to happen with this person. No amount of counseling is going to make him into a ravenous beast. The best he will likely be able to do is exactly what you are talking about now - check marks and time tables with a stoic attitude. 

You cant fix something that isn't wrong. If he is withholding sex from you for a specific reason - that is something wrong and that can be fixed. If his body never ever wants or needs sex - that is the way he is. 

Not a good sexual match for you.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Can't,
How often does he hug/spoon or initiate any type of lengthy physical affection? 

When you used to initiate, how willing/able/engaged was he?




cantstandmuchmore said:


> Did he go in for a medical, including a testosterone check?
> 
> Personally, I'd go with Hope's list. Except I'd lean more towards accepting the fact that you have a roommate, or getting a divorce. The odds of "fixing" his drive is low.
> 
> ...


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I realize this sounds insensitive, I'm kind of grasping at possible reasons....is there any reason he would have to lose attraction in you? Weight gain? Do you make more money than him? Have more power at work? A "like" personality (i.e. you are both dominant or both submissive)?


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## pierrematoe (Sep 6, 2013)

*Re: Re: Nine years married-6 with no intimacy*



WorkingOnMe said:


> I realize this sounds insensitive, I'm kind of grasping at possible reasons....is there any reason he would have to lose attraction in you? Weight gain? Do you make more money than him? Have more power at work? A "like" personality (i.e. you are both dominant or both submissive)?


Any of these should have come out in counseling. If not then his participation was fraudulent. There is a real reason but she hasn't gotten there yet. Any possibility he's guy or bi?


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## PinkSalmon13 (Nov 7, 2013)

cantstandmuchmore said:


> Its only since I started to google the whole thing that one year seems to be a lengthy time period for this kind of problem. And here I am almost seven years on.


You've got company! You'll read posts from people who start getting itchy and desperate and start asking about D because they haven't had sex in two weeks. Others maybe a month or two. Then you get to the folks who've been without for half a year, a year. Moving on, you'll find posts from sexless spouses going on a couple years. Then there are the long-haulers, 4+ years.

I'm at year six, like you, but had about 27 normal years prior. All that time invested, three great kids raised, world travel together, stable financial state.........and yet, six years ago she told me she wasn't physically attracted to me and that I could see a hooker if I needed to. That was that. It is the unwinding, in your heart and mind, of all the GOOD years that makes it all so difficult. 

I know what you're going through in your mind and in your emotions. It's a crazy rolelrcoaster ride and as much as you yell for them to stop it, it doesn't stop. You're getting some great advice here.

I'd recommend the book 'Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay'. I t really, really helped me sort out the tangle of emotions and concerns and outright fears that I have been dealing with. I think it would be very helpful to you as well, in your current circumstances.


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## cantstandmuchmore (Mar 9, 2014)

Thanks guys, I am going to reply more in detail later. 
Have to get kids ready for school. Yes, this great advice and lovely because
It is impartial. Also because I can see how much I have tried and the cold light of day
Is that change is not coming. Will post later.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

PinkSalmon13 said:


> You've got company! You'll read posts from people who start getting itchy and desperate and start asking about D because they haven't had sex in two weeks. Others maybe a month or two. Then you get to the folks who've been without for half a year, a year. Moving on, you'll find posts from sexless spouses going on a couple years. Then there are the long-haulers, 4+ years.
> 
> I'm at year six, like you, but had about 27 normal years prior. All that time invested, three great kids raised, world travel together, stable financial state.........and yet, six years ago she told me she wasn't physically attracted to me and that I could see a hooker if I needed to. That was that. It is the unwinding, in your heart and mind, of all the GOOD years that makes it all so difficult.
> 
> ...


Why would you stay if she said that to you? That is bad.

So she isn't physically attracted... well is she committed to you? If so then she needs to look past her hangup. I think she is bluffing to keep you at bay.

I would force her to divorce and then see if see if she magically gets attracted to you to avoid it.


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## Coldie (Jan 2, 2014)

cantstandmuchmore said:


> I have been married to an essentially good man and good father for over nine years. For the past six years and especially in the last year, I have been constantly addressing the issue of no sex, no intimacy. I have gone down every support road I can, put myself really out there and started over again and again and again. All to no avail. And now, I just don't want to be touched by him in an intimate way because it is all meaningless, tick the box exercises.
> Is it over?


My advice is usually a bit impathetic (when it comes to a lack of intimacy/sex) so take it with a grain of salt.

Unless you want to live the rest of your life with little to no intimacy, be prepared to move on. Let him know you are prepared to move on, and mean it. He will either understand how serious you are and change (not just temporarily) or he will stay the same. In that case, move on. Life is too short to be unhappy and just zombie through it.

I could never live without intimacy, I don't care how good of a friend, roommate, father, whatever. He can still be ALL THAT, but not be with you.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

I guess I agree that it is probably dragging on because he does not perceive it as a serious problem for some reason -(even though it was serious enough to try counseling)

He will never be a sexual person but if he wants to he can probably go through the motions. I have to wonder if even if you got him to do that if you would be very happy ultimately or just be surviving. 

I guess sex actually requires that he be able to have an erection but intimacy does not really require a sex drive it only requires that you love and care about your partner. 

Are you saying there is no hugging, kissing, cuddling etc.?


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

usmarriedguy said:


> I guess I agree that it is probably dragging on because he does not perceive it as a serious problem for some reason -(even though it was serious enough to try counseling)
> 
> He will never be a sexual person but if he wants to he can probably go through the motions. I have to wonder if even if you got him to do that if you would be very happy ultimately or just be surviving.
> 
> ...


You don't even have to "love" or "care" about someone to have intimacy with them. You can have passionate lust, and it can feel good to both and you really don't know each other but passing acquantances.


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## cantstandmuchmore (Mar 9, 2014)

usmarriedguy said:


> I guess I agree that it is probably dragging on because he does not perceive it as a serious problem for some reason -(even though it was serious enough to try counseling)
> 
> He will never be a sexual person but if he wants to he can probably go through the motions. I have to wonder if even if you got him to do that if you would be very happy ultimately or just be surviving.
> 
> ...




Yes I am saying no kissing, cuddling, warmth in general. He doesn't need it
Or give it. It's been a really long road and no, I don't think I would ever be happy 
Just going through the motions. I am an artistic creative type and the lack of energy
Is a killer. No he def has no one else. He doesn't leave house much bar work.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

cantstandmuchmore said:


> I guess, I am really just wondering, if the sex goes and the desire to be physically intimate goes, and the kissing goes, and these things dont cross his mind unless I raise the issue....can it ever be made right again? *I am not sure I respect him any more.*


Can you explain the item about losing respect? Why are you losing respect for him? Is it simply because he has no interest in sex, no interest in taking care of your sexual needs or are there other reasons?


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

Trying2figureitout said:


> Why would you stay if she said that to you? That is bad.
> 
> So she isn't physically attracted... well is she committed to you? If so then she needs to look past her hangup. I think she is bluffing to keep you at bay.
> 
> I would force her to divorce and then see if see if she magically gets attracted to you to avoid it.


What the.. who... I don't....even....:rofl:


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

cantstandmuchmore said:


> He is 48. I am 36. .


So by your math you have been essentially sexless since the age of 30 ?

Don't know how you can live like that, especially so young.


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## cantstandmuchmore (Mar 9, 2014)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> Can you explain the item about losing respect? Why are you losing respect for him? Is it simply because he has no interest in sex, no interest in taking care of your sexual needs or are there other reasons?


Losing respect I suppose because he has lost all vibrancy, energy, 
Life, focus, and is a whole ball of lazy negativity. I am not like That. Plus, I have found myself in a place where
He has been unpleasant in public and looked at me with disdain. It's really more that I have
Gained self respect and I believe I deserve more. I have improved with age and my confidence and self esteem are in a much better
Place since I realised its not me, it's him. But I honestly believed I was so unattractive and that was the reason why. 
I've since learned that's not true.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cantstandmuchmore (Mar 9, 2014)

barbados said:


> So by your math you have been essentially sexless since the age of 30 ?
> 
> Don't know how you can live like that, especially so young.


Essentially yes. It's awful. Having sex because you badgered someone into it. Then 
No follow on after that. Time and time again. And I'm not high maintenance. Just a bit of love 
Or effort makes all the difference.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

cantstandmuchmore said:


> JustSomeGuyWho said:
> 
> 
> > Can you explain the item about losing respect? Why are you losing respect for him? Is it simply because he has no interest in sex, no interest in taking care of your sexual needs or are there other reasons?
> ...


Well, I don't know what he believes but certainly you have to believe you are attractive. You said you since learned it's not true ... what was the epiphany?

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## cantstandmuchmore (Mar 9, 2014)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> Well, I don't know what he believes but certainly you have to believe you are attractive. You said you since learned it's not true ... what was the epiphany?
> 
> _Posted via *Topify* on Android_


I had just had baby 3 and was cast as the lead in a stage production with a new society. 
I met lots of new people and I just found the men to be so pleasant and nice, complimentary, viewed me in a
Feminine sense. And then all my friends were on contraception and I wasn't and there was a sudden dawning that that was for a reason!
Take yesterday- my birthday. For the first time in 6 years he put some effort and thought in. I was all pleasant and told him it meant a lot. 
Not a move thereafter.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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