# Really need advice....



## Joannam (Aug 1, 2013)

Hi all,

My first time here. 

I have been in a relationship for a year now and not too sure if it will stand the test of time. We met online and chatted for about a year before we met face to face. When we did we have hardly been apart and moved in together after just 4 months. He is a chef and work very long hours. He is still married and been separated for 4 years. The times we spend apart was when his wife insisted he spends the night at her house and look after their 17 year old daughter that stayed out till 1/2 in the morning with her friends, His wife would send the night with her lover/s as she did not want to bring them to her house. This in it self caused so many arguments and after about 5 months I got him to stop this as I felt it was just so damned stupid . It the girl was younger the 13 fair enough but jeez 17.... They have not divorced as they have debt up to 120 thousand euro. 

Anyway this is the problem for me his daughter does not want anything to do with me at all. Met her once in a year and she came into my house was so rude that he has to ask her to say hello. She came in went onto his laptop and stayed on it till lunch and was on he phone at the table. She may have said 40 words the full 4 hours she was there. Since then not seen her once. She is so spoiled and get every thing she wants and I mean everything. Sorry I am going off track here.

So the thing is he spends his one off day with her and I only see him about a hour a day and we have not got any life together. I work too 2 jobs.....He does nothing in and around the house I do everything washing, cleaning, cooking, and the list goes on the only thing I do not do is walk his daughters dog that lives with us and it is a lab and the hair is just crazy he does not even take care of the dog and I really do not like the dog. However the dog stays. He does his own ironing. Nothing more then that. 

I am very neat and tidy so it makes me really mad that I have to do everything including cleaning after him and his messy do. He feels I attack him when I point out things that I feel unhappy with. Like he give me very little time never considers my needs and wants. He say I should just except him as he is with all his flaws and what he brought into this relationship. He is not willing to change anything in his life to make us work. I am getting very frustrated with all of this and feel it is not worth being with somebody that will not add to a relationship. Is it just me???? Do I want to much???


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

He's showing you clearly who he is, and what you can expect in the future. Personally, I wouldn't stick around for more of this, but that's a decision you'll have to make. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## noas55 (Jun 25, 2013)

Sounds like he is looking for a replacement domestic woman. Play wife, mom, and lover while he does what he wants. If he is not trying to get his daughter to accept you, then that alone is a major problem. 
I agree with PBEAR. This situation appears to be no good for you and not improving.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Anyone in the restaurant business has to work very hard, with little time away. His daughter is his priority, even though she is not a young child she is still a child who requires her fathers time and attention to become a productive adult. 

You can't limit his time with her.
You can't expect him to take time off from the restaurant.
He is a slob and he expects you to clean up after him or put up with his messes.

Ummm, what exactly do you see in him? No time for you, no attention to you, no care for your needs...? No future here...


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

To be rid of him would mean:

1) no wife in your business taking time from you (he's not divorced!)
2) no daughter taking time from you and being a pain when around
3) no dog that you dislike to take care of
4) no untidy home
5) no worries about how much time you DON'T spend together
6) no more feeling taken for granted
7) freedom to live life like you want and find another who appreciates you and wants a mutually beneficial relationship

Seems like a no-brainer to me.


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

I have found, with myself and with my friends, that when a relationship starts online and it is only online for a long period of time, we almost feel an obligation to them and to ourselves to make it work out. Even when the red flags are waving. It's like we don't want that year we spent talking and emailing and texting to be a waste. But if you two are having these problems so early one then it would be even more of a waste to spend more time trying to "fix" someone or something that is not fixable. 

The debt that he and his wife have will be there if they are married or not. He is just not in a rush to divorce because he doesn't have to. He is putting no effort into this relationship at all. It's time to cut your losses and find someone who is more compatible to your life and lifestyle. 

I'm sorry that you find yourself. I trust that you will make the right decision. Good luck.


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## Joannam (Aug 1, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> Anyone in the restaurant business has to work very hard, with little time away. His daughter is his priority, even though she is not a young child she is still a child who requires her fathers time and attention to become a productive adult.
> 
> You can't limit his time with her.
> You can't expect him to take time off from the restaurant.
> ...


I really get that he has to be a father to her. The thing is that I feel we can all spend time together but she does not want that. So as I said he does not involve me in his life on so many levels. 
The thing that make me really mad is that if I point things out to him how I feel and what I feel should be addressed he says I am always criticize him.....I should just take him as he is and respect and love him for who he is. All he wants from a woman is to be tactile and loving and caring. We do not even have a sexual relationship anymore. Is demanding working together on a life and relationship so outlandish and wrong?????


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Joannam said:


> I really get that he has to be a father to her. The thing is that I feel we can all spend time together but she does not want that. So as I said he does not involve me in his life on so many levels.
> The thing that make me really mad is that if I point things out to him how I feel and what I feel should be addressed he says I am always criticize him.....I should just take him as he is and respect and love him for who he is. All he wants from a woman is to be tactile and loving and caring. We do not even have a sexual relationship anymore. Is demanding working together on a life and relationship so outlandish and wrong?????


Working together on a life and relationship is NOT outlandish and wrong. Not for YOU anyway. For him? That's a different matter. You can't make him want the same things you do. You aren't even having sex. What's keeping you hanging on?


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

> Is it just me???? *Do I want to much???*


Oh my Lord! Seriously? What do you call "too much"?


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## Joannam (Aug 1, 2013)

I have been in other relationships in my life but have never found somebody that feels that they should just be excepted the way they are. Not willing to do certain things to make a relationship work better. Surely we are all different and we all come from different experiences but do you not have to give and take to make things work


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## Joannam (Aug 1, 2013)

committed4ever said:


> Oh my Lord! Seriously? What do you call "too much"?


He keep saying it that I want too much from him and that I criticize him by asking what I need.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Joannam said:


> He keep saying it that I want too much from him and that I criticize him by asking what I need.


Well at least he's being honest with you... in his own way.

He's really saying he cannot live up to your expectations. Take it or leave it.


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## Joannam (Aug 1, 2013)

A Bit Much said:


> Working together on a life and relationship is NOT outlandish and wrong. Not for YOU anyway. For him? That's a different matter. You can't make him want the same things you do. You aren't even having sex. What's keeping you hanging on?


Because it started out so magic and I felt wow I finally found someone I can be forever and love till the day I die......mmmmmmmmm I don't know he was so sweet then. It is just all the extra baggage he brought with him.....god the dog kills me. His wife/daughter. He can be so self centred. He is very cold and so unwilling to give anymore the way he used to.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

"He say I should just except him as he is with all his flaws and what he brought into this relationship. He is not willing to change anything in his life to make us work. "

Since you, rightfully, cannot accept his behavior, you really need to go. He wants you to accept him as he is, which this is how I see it:

- he's still married
- you are his cleaning lady
- no sex life
- no companionship
- no respect
- he thinks you're the one with the problem here

Wanting him to be a decent loving helpful respectful human being isn't asking too much. You are way too good for him.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Joannam said:


> Because it started out so magic and I felt wow I finally found someone I can be forever and love till the day I die......mmmmmmmmm I don't know he was so sweet then. It is just all the extra baggage he brought with him.....god the dog kills me. His wife/daughter. He can be so self centred. He is very cold and so unwilling to give anymore the way he used to.


Well however he started out, he's obviously over it and now you see the real him in the flesh. People are always on their best behavior in the beginning, it's how they attract others. Now you're securely in his web he has no reason to continue with the charade. He's not concerned about losing you, you have made it clear to him by your actions that you'll kind of put up with just about anything he throws at you. You cook, clean, pet-sit and babysit and what does he do? Nothing. He doesn't even have to have sex with you and you do all of that. He's got himself a winner.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> Because it started out so *magic* and I felt wow I finally found someone I can be forever and love till the day I die......mmmmmmmmm I don't know he was so sweet then. It is just all the extra baggage he brought with him.....god the dog kills me. His wife/daughter. He can be so *self centred*. He is *very cold* and so *unwilling to give* anymore the way he used to.


Magic is trickery and illusions; in other words NOT REAL!

You must be a very needy woman. You have described a man that is a loser when it comes to relationships. *You obviously have a brain that can accurately describe your man so where is your backbone and self respect?*


Blunt


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## Joannam (Aug 1, 2013)

A Bit Much said:


> Well however he started out, he's obviously over it and now you see the real him in the flesh. People are always on their best behavior in the beginning, it's how they attract others. Now you're securely in his web he has no reason to continue with the charade. He's not concerned about losing you, you have made it clear to him by your actions that you'll kind of put up with just about anything he throws at you. You cook, clean, pet-sit and babysit and what does he do? Nothing. He doesn't even have to have sex with you and you do all of that. He's got himself a winner.


I have tried to make sense of the way he feels and responds to what I ask for. I have said to him that he is not giving what he used to but.....his reply is always the same I want to much from him. So by most opinion I should give up on this.......what is really quite shocking to me is nobody said try and make it work so clearly I guess I need to find a place to move to.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Joannam said:


> I have tried to make sense of the way he feels and responds to what I ask for. I have said to him that he is not giving what he used to but.....his reply is always the same I want to much from him. So by most opinion I should give up on this.......what is really quite shocking to me is nobody said try and make it work so clearly I guess I need to find a place to move to.


You're already trying and it's not working. That's the point. You can keep it up for as long as you like, but he's not going to change just because you want him to or because of your efforts.


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## scatty (Mar 15, 2013)

Looks like shacking up with a married man isn't all it's cracked up to me. Surprising!


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Joannam said:


> I have tried to make sense of the way he feels and responds to what I ask for.


You are allowing a man who cares little, if at all, for you to rent too much space in your head. Why waste your time trying to make sense of how he feels? 

How about you figure out why you feel like hanging on to what appears to be a dead-end relationship? I mean, you are not happy. He does not care. He has straight out told you that what you want from him is too much.



Joannam said:


> So by most opinion I should give up on this.......what is really quite shocking to me is nobody said try and make it work ...


It takes two people who are equally committed to making a relationship work for it to, well, WORK!

I suggest you ask yourself why you feel you should pull all the weight in this type of relationship.


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## Joannam (Aug 1, 2013)

scatty said:


> Looks like shacking up with a married man isn't all it's cracked up to me. Surprising!


MMMMMMMM yes well I did believe by this time he would have gotten to a divorce court at least. When we met he was separated for 3 years already I was silly to think so clearly. I did not do anything wrong here except fall for the wrong man. sorry


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Joannam said:


> I did not do anything wrong here except fall for the wrong man. sorry


I don't think it's a matter of you doing something "right" or "wrong." It's a matter of using common sense that is in your own best interests.

You already see the writing on the wall. He is taking his sweet time getting a divorce because he isn't in any hurry to get into a serious, committed relationship.

You have been given some good advice here. If you don't like the answers, don't ask the questions.


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