# husband rejects me- what do i do??



## Mrs.Alone (Mar 3, 2012)

This could just as easily go int the *sex in marriage* catagory, but for me it's causing more issues.

Dh and i have been married for 4 years, together for 6, and everything started off great! we were intimate 4-7 times per week, always cuddling, touching, talking sweet to eachother...
Recently (in the past year) things have only gotten worse and worse. he had back surgery 2 years ago (which he is FULLY recovored from, no medical issues whatsoever, verified by 2 doctors, not counting his well controlled bipolar disorder)

Anyhow, his constant rejection of me is really starting to wear me down. it's affecting my daily life, i break down at work when love songs come on the radio (i have no choice but to bear them, as it's "not my choice" what i listen to at work (overbearing co-workers who don't care about my personal issues)) and i cry myself to sleep nearly every night. i know i'm not alone in this part- work full time, come home, take care of 2 year old while trying to keep up on the housework all by myself. my husband acts like his life is so hard (he hates everything these days), complains when something isnt done to his standards (dinner on the table when he gets home, dishes not done by 6, etc.) and refuses to perform his "husbandly duties". 

basically i have a whiney roommate who i happen to share a daughter and a last name with. there is no intamacy, (lucky if i get a kiss goodbye on my way to work) he tells me he loves me every day, but every day it sounds less and less meaningful. if i try to initiate any touch of any kind, i get pushed away or told i'm obsessivly horny. he knows (and has always known) that i have depression and low self esteem, but is doing nothing to comfort me. he doesn't say anything about my apperences, (i gained, but then lost 20 after our daughter was born) i take care of myself and am the same size as i was when we met. problem is, he's rejecting me, and i can't keep cramming my life with "things just for me, in hopes he'll feel left out, and chase after me" because, frankly, i cant afford it, and it's not working, nor am i enjoying most of it.

i've come to terms with the fact that there's no intamacy. no sex, barely any touching... what i can't deal with is his refusal to communicate, refusal to aknowledge my needs, refusal to aknowledge that i'm anything other than a housekeeper and babysitter. last night, he told me that he can't fall asleep in bed... (to me, meaning that he has to fall asleep in his recliner for 2 hours, so that when he comes to bed, he doesn't have to look at me, touch me, or hear me, but fall asleep when his head hits the pillow.)

i've dealt with rejection since i was a kid, and thought for the past 5 years that i had finally gotten over it. i never thought i'd have to suffer through it from my own husband. somebody who has always in the past loved, respected, and held me when i felt down. what changed? why is it affecting me so badly? why is he distancing himself from everybody and everything? (except our daughter, he's a fantastic daddy and super devoted to our child) and how do i overcome this without the use of drugs or divorce? Words cannot express how much i love this man, but why do i feel like he only keeps me around to do the housework? Is my feeling of "it's over" just in my head?


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Is your husband any type of medication? Some pain killers and lots of chloresterol medication have loss of libido side effects. Plus surgery can mess with your mind (is his back feeling normal? is he afraid of reinjuring his back?) and a mans mind is an important part of sex.

Talk to him about how you feel. Hopfully he will listen and understand and you two can work together (a position that does not strain his back maybe). Try to express your concerns to him and let him know that you know something is not right.

The other option is that he is overwhelmed with life in general. He should try counseling. His attidtude of being critical of everything is not healthy. His behavior might be a sign of depression. 

Frankly there was a time in my life when my job was going bad and the thought of not being able to provide for my family consumed my thoughts. I could not sleep. I didn't eat right. The least little thing really upset me. I gave my wife hell unintentionally. One day she called me on my behavior and I opened up about my trouble at work (something I had not told her because I didn't want her to worry). Things really got better after that.

Good luck to you.


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## Mrs.Alone (Mar 3, 2012)

most of these things have been considered. we had a VERY healthy relationship for almost a year after his back surgery, so i know it's not that, and he's not on any medications. he refuses to aknowledge that we have a problem, and refuses to join me for counseling, but counselors refuse to help me further without him present. 3 counselors now have told me that they've done all they can for me, and without his participation, there is nothing more they can do. (our physical and mental care system here is REALLY bad!) there has to be something going on in his life or his mind that's causing this, but i don't know how to get it out of him. he WON'T talk to me (about his thoughts/feelings), there is no communication, and when i try to communicate, he thinks i'm trying start arguments or implying things that i know full well arent true. (which is why i wouldnt imply them in the first place.)

i don't know, i have to find a way to get to him i guess.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

i always say write him a letter similar to what you have written here. Maybe he really doesnt realise it.


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## Nigel (Mar 14, 2012)

It sounds like he cold be depressed to me. Does he have any close male friends that he can talk to? Have you tried speaking to them to try and find out what's on his mind if he wont talk to you. Sometimes when you are depressed you end up hurting the person you love the most. If he is generally disinterested in life, if he seems aloof, distant, emotional for no reason, losing weight, these could all be signs of depression. I hope you manage to work it out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## savannah (Apr 4, 2008)

Hmmm sounds like I wrote this post! I hear ya, Mrs. Alone.

I'm no doctor BUT it could well be some sort of depression. My H is te same way, and our relationship is pretty much like how you describe yours. 

I feel for you, because people like us are caught in the middle of their personal battles in life. It seems we are left to be the ones to have to figure it out.

I hope you find not only suggestions from people here, but comfort that YOU are not alone in this-- I am in a loosing battle myself, but find hope in reading people here who at least give me some boost for the day.

rejection is horrid - I try to get myself to be busy with other things, perhaps time with your baby will help keep you mind from it... we cannot help those who do not want the help...


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## growtogether (Feb 27, 2012)

Hello 
Did you ever ask why he doesn't want to have sex with you? 
You know, sometime people are more attracted by their partner when there is a relationship between you. Do you guys have fun together? Go out, go for a walk, any activities? 
On a scale from 1 to 10, 1 where your fire is dead and 10 where you fire is really big, how would you picture your relationship as a fire?


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## Mrs.Alone (Mar 3, 2012)

growtogether said:


> Hello
> Did you ever ask why he doesn't want to have sex with you?
> You know, sometime people are more attracted by their partner when there is a relationship between you. Do you guys have fun together? Go out, go for a walk, any activities?
> On a scale from 1 to 10, 1 where your fire is dead and 10 where you fire is really big, how would you picture your relationship as a fire?


when i ask him why he's not interested, he makes up excuses like he's too tired (his job isn't THAT demanding, and it's almost part time hours) and he complains that he'd be more into it if he hadnt done all the housework by himself... AGAIN (he doesn't do housework, i do... every day with no thanks or recognition)

because our work schedules oppose (i work 8 am to 6 pm, he works 2 or 4pm to 10 pm) and have opposing days off (mine is wednesday thursday, his are mon, tues) we don't get to get out together often. when we do get days off together, we have things to do like go grocery shopping, or yard work, or repairing one of our piece of crap cars. we do these things together, and we talk about what we'd like to do when we have the time, and how great these things will be, and we have fun (as much fun as one can have while cleaning up storm messes) but it's just not the same as it was in the past. if our marriage was a fire, i wou.d rate the fire at a 3... we are married, but he pays no attention to me. it's like im not even there most of the time. to him, i'm (like i said before) a live in housekeeper and nanny... oh yeah,... i set up a date night for use, babysitter, reservations for dinner at a nice resturaunt, a movie, and i even baught a new dress, and new lipstick (not normal for me, but thought he'd like it) but he laughed at the idea, i had to cancel the reservation, (when i told him the resturaunt i picked, he laughed and said "why, so we can get food poisoning" (even though we have enjoyed that resturaunt before) and we had a boring evening at home (he didnt want to see the movie either, even though he told me 3 days previous that he wanted to see it)... i'm starting to think he's ashamed of me, or doesn't want to be seen with me in public either. again,... i just don't know, thanks for trying to help though!


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## Mrs.Alone (Mar 3, 2012)

accept said:


> i always say write him a letter similar to what you have written here. Maybe he really doesnt realise it.


I will try this one again... maybe it wasn't descriptive or emotional enough in the last letter (it said "why are you not attracted to me anymore? you barely notice i'm here, please, tell me you still love me!")


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## Mishy (Mar 28, 2012)

Mrs.Alone said:


> Anyhow, his constant rejection of me is really starting to wear me down. it's affecting my daily life, i break down at work when love songs come on the radio (i have no choice but to bear them, as it's "not my choice" what i listen to at work (overbearing co-workers who don't care about my personal issues)) and i cry myself to sleep nearly every night. i know i'm not alone in this part- work full time, come home, take care of 2 year old while trying to keep up on the housework all by myself. my husband acts like his life is so hard (he hates everything these days), complains when something isnt done to his standards (dinner on the table when he gets home, dishes not done by 6, etc.) and refuses to perform his "husbandly duties".


Hi Mrs Alone,

I really feel for you. 
He looks like he is depressed and/or has some other problems on his own. 
Maybe if you tell your story to your family doctor he can help you. I know it's not much but it seem that you tried a lot with little results.

Let us know about any development.


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## growtogether (Feb 27, 2012)

I can tell that you are trying... This is the problem in a relationship when only one person is working on the situation. What can you control in this situation? If your husband doesn't want to do anything, what can you do to stay satisfy with life?


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## Mrs.Alone (Mar 3, 2012)

growtogether said:


> I can tell that you are trying... This is the problem in a relationship when only one person is working on the situation. What can you control in this situation? If your husband doesn't want to do anything, what can you do to stay satisfy with life?


this is exactly how i feel... i'm the only one trying. i don't know what i can control here. i have hobbies and whatnot for myself that he isn't involved with, i'm interested in a lot of things that he isn't interested in, but we share a LOT of things together that we are both interested in. We're a low income family, so i can't just up and take a vacation... i feel like all i'm able to do is sit here and bear it, but i'm at my wit's end. i just want to find out if he still loves me, and if so, is there anything i can do to get him to show me more often. do you all think that's too much to ask? i'm starting to thing that he just doesn't understand the question!
AAAHHHH!!! i think i'm going to take a hot bath with a bottle of wine!!!


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## littlemomma (Mar 31, 2012)

I feel you Mrs.Alone it is like you are putting into words one of the issues my husband and i have in our marriage and I'm lost and rejection has always been in my life too since i was a child I hope you and your husband will work it out and thank you for your post because I hope that the advice you recieve will help you and many other couples that want to make the marriage work keep your head up and don't give up


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## growtogether (Feb 27, 2012)

ahhh, you made me laugh with your bottle of wine 
No, you are not asking too much. 
What if you ask him for a good conversation? You know, sometime it's maybe a good time for you to talk, but maybe not for him.
What about: Hey HUSBAND, I would like to have an important conversation with you. It's maybe not a good time for you right now, but when would it be a good time? I would like to talk about our relationship, and it may take 1 hour, So when would it be good for you?
Like this, you prepare him. He can think about all this before the conversation comes. Sometime you can ask some important question like you said before the conversation like that he can think to answers before you guys talk: Do you love me? What love means to you? How can we show love more to each other?
Everything is possible.


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## Jeff/BC (Apr 1, 2012)

Mrs.Alone said:


> he refuses to aknowledge that we have a problem, and refuses to join me for counseling, but counselors refuse to help me further without him present.


Well there's two problems right there.

A) It is automatically true that if YOU have a problem then YOU BOTH have a problem. His refusal to acknowledge is just a denial of reality. Seriously... whether or not you are totally making this all up in your head means nothing. It's a problem, right? Why can't he see that?

B) You need new counselors
In my world when I am paying someone to serve me, they do what I want not the other way around. If you think you still need help and someone you are PAYING TO SERVE YOU thinks something different, then you need a new servant. I get it that that think without him they are missing key pieces of the puzzle. I would think that also. What does that change?


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

How is your husbands bipolar disorder well controlled if he isn't on meds or going to counseling? People suffering with bp need both. 

My fiance is bp, on depacote and monthly counseling...without it, I don't know where we'd be.


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