# Anyone else sometimes feel guilt for posting on TAM?



## PinkSalmon13 (Nov 7, 2013)

I sometimes do, as I know my wife would be pissed if she found out I was airing our dirty laundry on a forum. But that's just the Nice Guy in me doing the emoting.

I really have no one to talk to in RL, so here I am, sometimes feeling guilty for needing some help, on a public forum, in figuring things out.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

My H knows I post here and sometimes reads over my shoulder and just shakes his head and rolls his eyes. 

I feel more guilt for the addiction I have formed to it. For example baby is down for her morning nap and I should be doing laundry or dusting or exercising (my remaining to-do list for today) but yet Im on TAM!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Quoth the raven, nevermore.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

committed4ever said:


> My H knows I post here and sometimes reads over my shoulder and just shakes his head and rolls his eyes.
> 
> I feel more guilt for the addiction I have formed to it. For example baby is down for her morning nap and I should be doing laundry or dusting or exercising (my remaining to-do list for today) but yet Im on TAM!


I know. I spend hours here. I am truly addicted.

I can't believe dh doesn't say something. Well, he has suggested I "vary" my activities, lol. He does think I am learning a lot here, and contributing. He reads sometimes, too. He is stunned by what he reads, too.

I think we are both waiting for the addiction to run its course. Or maybe I'll just die here.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

jld said:


> Or maybe I'll just die here.


Be sure to let us know. :rofl:


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

I don't feel guilty at all. My wife knows I'm here. And even knows my user name. I know she is not crazy about my posting here, and would be really pissed if she read some of what I've posted with detailed things about our marriage and sex life. But... There is no way she could dispute the change in our marriage since I've been here. Obviously it's not all due to this site, but this site has helped me a lot. 

My name is Ray, and I can't stay off TAM
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

committed4ever said:


> Be sure to let us know. :rofl:


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

no guilt here.I don't share anything that I haven't already shared with him.If he gets curious he is more than welcome to log into my account and read whatever he wants or create his own.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

Rayloveshiswife said:


> My name is Ray, and I can't stay off TAM
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:rofl: 

and with that baby calls. So I have officially wasted all off nap number 1


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

No guilt here. My husband knows my posting name. I haven't said anything here that would bother him.

My workplace approves too. It lists TAM as a "health website". We're allowed access to health sites. :rofl:


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## Eagle3 (Dec 4, 2013)

I didnt feel guilty but a little bad afterwards when i told my wife I was on here and posted our problems. At first she was mad that i threw her issues out for people to read but after telling her that it was here that i got the advice and help to get our marriage back on track she was better.

To me I think its helpful to have stragers look at your situation and give you honest feedback than people you know who might only be telling you things you want to hear.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Though this is a public forum, it is also largely anonymous. You have as little or as much identifying info as you care to attach. The sharing can be intensely personal, but it is far less likely to get intimate, than say sharing with someone you know in real life. Not to say it couldn't, via PMs and such, but if you keep most of it out in plain sight on the forums, the risk of intimacy is reduced, and you can get much needed perspective and advice.

Here you can often find people who have experienced similar issues, have tried different things, read lots and found out more than they ever wanted to know about some subjects. You can benefit from their hard earned wisdom. You can get blunt, sometimes harshly honest answers, from people with no other interest in you but helping you. You sometimes get answers from people with obviously skewed perspectives, but there can still be valuable insights to be had in those posts, lessons to be learned. You'll also come across some of the most thoughtful, heartfelt answers you're likely to find anywhere. It's really quite remarkable.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

jld said:


> I know. I spend hours here. I am truly addicted.


I appreciate this. I was once addicted to a forum for friends and family members of addicts/alcoholics.

But spending hours here? IDK. It makes me wonder if we aren't becoming too reliant on internet forums. 

JMO.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Prodigal said:


> It makes me wonder if we aren't becoming too reliant on internet forums.


Likely.


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## Happily (Feb 6, 2014)

I do. I just signed up a few days ago, but I've been lurking for a couple weeks. I haven't been hiding it- leaving it up on my iPad, mentioning things I've read on a marriage forum- but he hasn't shown any curiosity and doesn't seem to mind. Still, I can't help but feel that it's sort of a betrayal, and that makes me feel really guilty. Not because he doesn't know, but because I'm not sure if it's okay to speak candidly about issues with your spouse. I'm just hoping that the good advice I've gotten will ultimately outweigh the bad, but I completely understand where you're coming from.


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## Convection (Apr 20, 2013)

PinkSalmon13 said:


> But that's just the Nice Guy in me doing the emoting.


You answered your own question. Listen to what the ladies said here:



Coffee Amore said:


> No guilt here. My husband knows my posting name. I haven't said anything here that would bother him.





ScarletBegonias said:


> no guilt here.I don't share anything that I haven't already shared with him.If he gets curious he is more than welcome to log into my account and read whatever he wants or create his own.


They have healthy marriages, no doubt in part because they communicate well. Standing behind what you post and communicating openly with your wife would be the first step in fixing things - and minimizing your nice guy tendencies.

My wife knows I post here. She can read anything she wants. I don't know if she has but I hide nothing. My only request would be that if she wants to post on her own or refute something I said, that she make her own account to do it.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Happily said:


> I do. I just signed up a few days ago, but I've been lurking for a couple weeks. I haven't been hiding it- leaving it up on my iPad, mentioning things I've read on a marriage forum- but he hasn't shown any curiosity and doesn't seem to mind. Still, I can't help but feel that it's sort of a betrayal, and that makes me feel really guilty. Not because he doesn't know, but because I'm not sure if it's okay to speak candidly about issues with your spouse. I'm just hoping that the good advice I've gotten will ultimately outweigh the bad, but I completely understand where you're coming from.


Because he trusts you totally, because you are totally trustable. 

Just be transparent with him. Tell him you are afraid it's some kind of betrayal, and see what he says.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Me & my husband talk about some of the discussions I find here......The only guilt I have is ... my own lack of will power to stop coming here / browsing.... as I KNOW I will want to respond ...It's a hopeless addiction...and I want it to run it's course ...yesterday.


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## Star79 (Feb 8, 2014)

No. Its better than talking to judgmental family and friends.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

My DH knows I post on here. I don't feel guilty about it, as it's an outlet that I can use other than friends/family who know DH and whose opinions of him and I would be affected by the things I feel I need to get off my chest. It's different to a journal in that you can get feedback for your thoughts. Sometimes our thoughts are unhelpful to a situation and it takes someone removed from the situation to be able to point that out.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

Guilty? No way, as long as I am honest in what I post. During a crisis I showed my W my first posting here, and it was an eye-opener for her. Not that I had not expressed the same things to her many times, but she said she just didn't get it until she saw it in writing. Sometimes she looks in to check and see what I've posted, and has at times been upset. But again, it's all true and nothing I've hidden from her.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

Prodigal said:


> I appreciate this. I was once addicted to a forum for friends and family members of addicts/alcoholics.
> 
> *But spending hours here? IDK. It makes me wonder if we aren't becoming too reliant on internet forums.*
> 
> JMO.


It kind of ebbs and flows for me. When we were looking for a house I couldn't stay off the buying and selling a house forum. When we were renovating the house I couldn't stay off the decorating forum. When we started vacations after buying and renovating the house I couldn't stay off the ski forum. And so on and so on and so on .... I'm sure soon this one will pass and there will be another.

But then again, I hardly ever watch tv ...


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

Nope. H knows what I post. He sits next to me when I reply to threads sometimes. I just put up a thread complaining because we had a rough night the other day. H has seen all of it. I like getting different views as it helps me to better see his side of things. As much as I would love for it to be true, I'm not right all of the time ha!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## livnlearn (Mar 5, 2012)

I can't really say guilt but I do delete the history often when I come here. Only because when we are having an argument he often says the issues I have with him are the result of me being on this board....that I am looking for things to be wrong.  It's just a way to avoid taking responsibility for his actions, so I hide coming to TAM to take that option away from him.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Why would you feel guilty? If you had someone to talk to in real life would you also feel guilty?

PinkSalmon, what if we all said, "You have permission to post here with the problems in your marriage and what's going on. You need to do this to help clarify your thoughts and feelings. You will benefit from this because it helps you form a clear path toward the happiness we all seek. Everyone needs to have someone to take to!"

My name is Pink and I am a TAM addict. Thanks for letting me share.


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## Oldrandwisr (Jun 22, 2013)

Face it, whether our marriages are good or bad, we all need someone outside of the marriage to discuss a problem with. No spouse would be happy about our close friends or family knowing intimate details. I made that mistake in a prior marriage and the family's knowledge tainted the relationship with my ex, even when the problem was resolved.

Our TAM family gives great advice from all perspectives. 

I am more comfortable sharing things here than with a real life counselor.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I'm sneaking here. Don't feel guilty though.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Happily said:


> I do. I just signed up a few days ago, but I've been lurking for a couple weeks. I haven't been hiding it- leaving it up on my iPad, mentioning things I've read on a marriage forum- but he hasn't shown any curiosity and doesn't seem to mind. Still, I can't help but feel that it's sort of a betrayal, and that makes me feel really guilty. Not because he doesn't know, but because I'm not sure if it's okay to speak candidly about issues with your spouse. I'm just hoping that the good advice I've gotten will ultimately outweigh the bad, but I completely understand where you're coming from.


Look, living with another person is hard. Information on what are best practices on how to do it successfully is not part of what most people are taught, same as money, career, often health. Some of the things that will have the biggest effects on us are left for us to try and figure out for ourselves. There should be more sharing, critiquing, therapy, but you have to reach out for that. 

There's no betrayal implicit in that alone. A betrayal would be a breach of trust to someone that would take advantage of that info, or act on it in a way that was not helpful to you maybe. Like if you relied on your best friend for advice. but she has no more experience at relationship counselling than you, plus she knows exactly who you and your husband are. 

Nobody knows you here. No one can identify you to use the info against you or your husband. They'll just offer advice to help, which will get critiqued by other posters too. You can get views from different perspectives, and you can find out about great resources to help you address your problems and make your marriage and your life better. And then, you can help somebody else do the same too!


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> I'm sneaking here. Don't feel guilty though.


Why sneaking, WOM? You have a right to be here.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I can be myself here. My wife will never know the real me.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> I can be myself here. My wife will never know the real me.


Oh, WOM. That is so sad. I'm sure she would like to. Deep inside, I bet she really would. She wouldn't have married you if she didn't love you.

And I think you stay with her, because deep inside of you, you know that. And you keep giving her and you chances to show it.


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## Sun Catcher (Dec 6, 2013)

I lurked here a long time before joining and I don't post much. I think TAM is wonderful and wish I knew about it during my past relationships. So many good ideas and supportive people. He know I post here and I sometimes read things aloud to him and we discuss our opinions. He can come read anything he wants as I keep TAM logged in on my ipad all the time. 

One thing I learned here and we have reinforced it in our relationship is NO SECRETS among other things. 

If I wasn't working I'd be on here a lot more, I just don't have the time.


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

No - there are a lot of fine people here.


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