# Pregnant wife, I'm losing sexual interest



## ricchardd (Aug 23, 2013)

Good afternoon,

My wife and I have been married a for 2 years, we've found out we're having a baby soon. Since finding out I've noticed my sexual desire has dropped tremendously. ( I feel I should tell you that when we married I had never had sex. I'm a christian and so is my wife. During our courtship and engagement we never did that, so when we got married you can image how much of a rabbit I was lol) So after we found out we're having a kid something in me changed. I find that my sexual drive has plummeted. I used to have such a high drive, I would want it 2 or more times a day, for as many days a week as I could. We once had a schedule that yielded 5 days out of the week I was getting intercourse. Now, its been a week and I haven't thought about it. It's been even longer than that for good intercourse ( last time was just a quickie, a week ago). When my wife asked about it I thought about it and told the truth: That it isnt fun anymore. Its just sex and then done. There's no passion, or real intimacy. We just get to the point, and then once its there we just go to sleep. Just months ago I could come up with great games for us to play, find awesome music to get us in the mood, and I couldnt wait for her to get into her Victoria secretes . Now when I think about it I'm not turned on..honestly at all. She's not that big as far as the stomach because she's a HUGE health fanatic and looves to work out. So the pregnant belly isnt what is doing it ( maybe). 

I'm not sure what it is: if it the lack of desire that's causing me not to want to do it, or is it the thought that its not going to be fulfilling by means of no foreplay and stuff that is giving me preemptive thoughts and siphoning my desire. 

For me to get the joy and excitement and fulfillment I need the total package: the passion and flirtatious actions throughout the day ( getting the mind and anticipation built up), happy attitudes toward each other, and finally foreplay and action. Lately we noticed we arent displaying the passion and attracted desire toward each other throughout our daily lives. So that could definitely play a factor. 

To sum it up: I need help. I used to have crazy amounts of sex, my drive was like a collection of 10 horny teenagers, after finding out we're having a baby I've noticed I'm not attracted to my wife. I want more time alone, and not even interested in sex.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I'm wondering who changed first. Did she stop all the fun stuff or did you lose attraction first?


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## LoveAtDaisys (Jul 3, 2013)

I also wonder if, even though she isn't showing, just her being pregnant maybe is a turn off for you. It's okay if it is. Some guys just aren't attracted to pregnant women.

Add in that she's got hormones going and she probably doesn't feel as comfortable in her own skin as she used to, and I can see where you both just aren't as comfortable with each other anymore.

I think you're on the right track though; you say you two have noticed areas where you can improve and are working on it. Give it a week and see if the increase in passion and kindness to each other during the day make it better.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Are you sure you're losing attraction to her specifically? Are you masturbating? If not, then maybe it's your drive in general and not her specifically. When I first became a father I remember having a moment when the weight of the responsibility on me hit me pretty hard. For the first time in my life I was about to have 3 people (including myself) dependent on me 100%. It was very sobering, and for a little while sex as a priority goes down.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

Your wife asked about it? Then she may not be feeling like you are. I'm 31 week now and still want sex but before I even knew I was pregnant my drive had shifted way up to hyper. I would have been totally DEVASTATED if my husband hadn't wanted it anymore. 

9 month is a LONG time to go without sex so I hope you guys will be on the same page. 

And congratulations. Right?


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## imhiswifey (Aug 16, 2013)

How far along is your wife? I remember when I was pregnant with son #1, about two months into my pregnancy I was totally turned off sex, I had a horrible first trimester - sick, couldn't keep anything down, tired etc. Once I started really showing around 4-5 months my mood changed and I was extremely high drive and my husband couldn't keep up!

However, after giving birth after the midwife said "ok you are good to go to resume regular routines" my husband was a little turned off, mostly scared that I would look "different" down there plus with the lack of sleep = no sex until at least 10 weeks postpartum, even though midwife gave me the OK after 5 weeks postpartum! 

With son #2, as soon as the midwife said good to go, we were back at our regular routine as we both discovered with son #1 that everything was OK!

Children are a big life change, keep the communication going and I am sure things will work out. Lots of emotions involved! Good luck!


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

This varies tremendously based on the individuals and the relationship but having had 4 kids and my wife pregnant currently, I've always found my desire drops a bit during her pregnancy but picks up again. And I try to be attentive to her needs. Some women don't feel like having sex during certain stages of pregnancy and others can crave it even more.
It's not just about you.
I know my drop in desire is just a psychological quirk I have about having sex with her with that little baby in there. My problem not hers and I look for other ways to be intimate - like massages for her. And then I get over my silly hang-up and get back in the saddle.


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## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

Congrats on the new baby!


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## ricchardd (Aug 23, 2013)

No, I dont masturbate. I think the drive has just gone down. But why? I'm only 25. My drive should be at his peak, it should be resilient. I should want it constantly...right?


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## ricchardd (Aug 23, 2013)

committed4ever said:


> Your wife asked about it? Then she may not be feeling like you are. I'm 31 week now and still want sex but before I even knew I was pregnant my drive had shifted way up to hyper. I would have been totally DEVASTATED if my husband hadn't wanted it anymore.
> 
> 9 month is a LONG time to go without sex so I hope you guys will be on the same page.
> 
> And congratulations. Right?


yeah, she asked about it. I just dont have a desire anymore. I was the dude who always brought the vickie secretes, and smell good. I would plan the nights and stuff. now I just dont have the desire. Do you think it could be that I am not excited about the baby, and that that is causing me to be unhappy? I'm not excited because I feel that we will be unhappy with all the changes. We are not totally happy now, and with the baby I feel that I'm looking at what our marriage will have to go through, and talk about the sex life then...I hear with kids its very slim to none.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

There are mind games going on... for both parties. It's normal. 

Date her! Treat her like a treasure..... I think it will come back!


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## ricchardd (Aug 23, 2013)

imhiswifey said:


> How far along is your wife? I remember when I was pregnant with son #1, about two months into my pregnancy I was totally turned off sex, I had a horrible first trimester - sick, couldn't keep anything down, tired etc. Once I started really showing around 4-5 months my mood changed and I was extremely high drive and my husband couldn't keep up!
> 
> However, after giving birth after the midwife said "ok you are good to go to resume regular routines" my husband was a little turned off, mostly scared that I would look "different" down there plus with the lack of sleep = no sex until at least 10 weeks postpartum, even though midwife gave me the OK after 5 weeks postpartum!
> 
> ...


She's 4 months. We just found out what we're having. Our drives have been up, I think it mental and emotional. I dont necessarily believe its chemical, I think its something between us. I am not real happy about having the child, and I know I cant talk to my wife about it.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

I know, as a woman, I had to go through an adjustment period of finding my sexuality in motherhood. Perhaps you think your sex life is over now that you will be a father - or perhaps you have trouble feeling sexual towards a mother or pregnant woman. Isn't it the madonna/***** complex or something?

The truth of the matter is that most couples do remain sexual after a child is born. Of course things do change - but there is no reason you cant continue the sex life you had as long as she isn't having difficulties with the pregnancy.

Ive been married 18 years and the relationship does evolve and change - but there is always the opportunity for deeper love and commitment. I think what you are feeling is somewhat normal. I had severe infertility issues and it too several years to get pregnant. The pregnancy couldn't have been more intentional or wanted - but I do remember going through a period of mourning almost that things were going to change for my husband and I.


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## ShyEnglishman (Aug 23, 2013)

Loads of things spring to mind here.

You've found out you're going to be a daddy. Congratulations. It is great. It is also life changing, and you know it. As its your first child its going to be particularly scary because you have no experience to call upon, having never been a daddy before. Not only is your life going to change forever, but your identity is going to change too. You've been you all your life, then more recently you've had to split that to become someone's husband. Soon you will have to give away another share of your identity to become someone's dad. Sorry, I didn't explain that well. I hope you understand what I mean though. The weight of responsibility that gets placed on your shoulders the moment you find out your wife is pregnant for the first time is immense. It does have a psychological impact.

Another thing that can happen is on some level, even though the text books say its safe, you are worried about damaging your unborn baby, or somehow thing your unborn baby is going to be affected. I can tell you that's not an issue at all and I'm sure you know that, but it doesn't stop it being on the back of your mind for some people.

Then there's the obvious and less obvious changes in your wife. She will have the same psychological considerations as I mentioned above, which may affect her on some level, even if it is not obvious, and of course in a loving relationship, anything that affects the wife affects the husband too.

There are also physical changes in a pregnant woman, quite aside from the obvious bump that forms in the mid to later stages. All sorts of hormonal changes are happening, and this will affect her mood, which will in turn affect your mood. But here's the twist, even though unless you are a dog you will not consciously smell any change, on some level, some say at least, you pick up the changes, and this too can affect your mood. All this hormonal activity has an affect in women's intimate parts too, so when it comes to intimate contact, she will feel different.

All in all. HUGE amounts of things going on. LOTS to deal with. Loads of you wont even understand because its happening way deeper than the conscious level. Don't beat yourself up for losing your sex drive while you work through it all. Its a lot to take on. The last thing you or your wife need is for you to put extra pressure on yourself on top of what you've already got.

Just take it easy. All the best.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

For some men, as well as some women, Mothers Dont Have Sex! Now that your wife is pregnant, she is no longer a sexy wife, she is a Mother.

My husband's uncle gave him advice, that I wasn't privy to, but the tail end was, you go to bed with your bride, then you go to bed with a Mother, then you'll go to bed with a grandmother, then a great grandmother. She's still the same bride you married.


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## ricchardd (Aug 23, 2013)

FrenchFry said:


> I'm going to posit that that's your biggest issue.
> 
> Why are you not happy and why can't you talk to her about it?


I believe I'm not happy because I didnt plan this. I feel like I havent lived and done the things I wanted to, and now that I have this kid, I wont get the chance to. My uncle says that once you have kids your life is over...in the context that now you live for the child. Everything you do is no longer about what you would want to do, but whats in the best interest of the child. I wouldn't have minded if I had chosen to have the child and accepted the changes. But now I feel that the changes are happening and I didnt have a say so in the matter. 

Other reasons I just found out last night after speaking with some of my friends is that I didnt have a relationship with my father, and actually the thought of being close with my son is actually quite frightening. I never told my pop I love him bc we never had that. When I think about telling my new son this it honestly makes me feel weird.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

So why no birth control? Condoms? Pills? 

I mean, you did marry her. You had sex with her. Babies comes if you aren't careful...sometimes even if you are careful.


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

ricchardd said:


> I believe I'm not happy because I didnt plan this. I feel like I havent lived and done the things I wanted to, and now that I have this kid, I wont get the chance to. My uncle says that once you have kids your life is over...in the context that now you live for the child. Everything you do is no longer about what you would want to do, but whats in the best interest of the child. I wouldn't have minded if I had chosen to have the child and accepted the changes. But now I feel that the changes are happening and I didnt have a say so in the matter.
> 
> Other reasons I just found out last night after speaking with some of my friends is that I didnt have a relationship with my father, and actually the thought of being close with my son is actually quite frightening. I never told my pop I love him bc we never had that. When I think about telling my new son this it honestly makes me feel weird.


And have you discussed any of this with her?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I'm not sure a pregnant woman wants to hear, "I am not happy about this child because I didn't plan it. My life is over now and I am not happy so I don't want sex."

Seriously. This is life.


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## ShyEnglishman (Aug 23, 2013)

ricchardd said:


> My uncle says that once you have kids your life is over...in the context that now you live for the child. Everything you do is no longer about what you would want to do, but whats in the best interest of the child.


I read up to the ellipses and then very nearly said simply that your uncle is lying, but then I read on, and he is right. BUT, its not a bad thing. In that respect your life was over when you signed the marriage register.

My oldest son is nearly 5, and I can honestly, hand on heart say that my life has in effect restarted. I was involved in a Nerf gun battle in my garden the other day with a load of kids. I dived for cover and everything. Prior to being a dad, such antics were over. Being a dad is great. Its not easy, but nothing worthwhile ever is.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

And personally, OP, I don't think you're upset about this baby. I think you're scared. And that's ok. THAT is something you can talk to your wife about....scared to bring a baby into the world.

But the other stuff about not planning this and life over? Don't even say those words. Honestly. The baby is growing inside HER. Will be attached to her for YEARS. she doesn't want to hear how that is ruining your life. Or how you're not happy. Esssh....no.


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

ricchardd said:


> Good afternoon,
> 
> My wife and I have been married a for 2 years, we've found out we're having a baby soon. Since finding out I've noticed my sexual desire has dropped tremendously. ( I feel I should tell you that when we married I had never had sex. I'm a christian and so is my wife. During our courtship and engagement we never did that, so when we got married you can image how much of a rabbit I was lol) So after we found out we're having a kid something in me changed. I find that my sexual drive has plummeted. I used to have such a high drive, I would want it 2 or more times a day, for as many days a week as I could. We once had a schedule that yielded 5 days out of the week I was getting intercourse. Now, its been a week and I haven't thought about it. It's been even longer than that for good intercourse ( last time was just a quickie, a week ago). When my wife asked about it I thought about it and told the truth: That it isnt fun anymore. Its just sex and then done. There's no passion, or real intimacy. We just get to the point, and then once its there we just go to sleep. Just months ago I could come up with great games for us to play, find awesome music to get us in the mood, and I couldnt wait for her to get into her Victoria secretes . Now when I think about it I'm not turned on..honestly at all. She's not that big as far as the stomach because she's a HUGE health fanatic and looves to work out. So the pregnant belly isnt what is doing it ( maybe).
> 
> ...


whoa. This problem is more common than I thought. I hope you two will find a way. 

I had nearly similar experience.. I had no libido for my wife whatsoever, from pregnancy until a year after the birth of my son. I completely understand the "need time alone+not interested in sex" thing you said. My wife finally voiced her displeasure, in a way that finally penetrated my low IQ, that sex is also a need for her. Now we're having monthly sex regularly. It's about effective communication & be mindful to your spouse's needs.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Richard, you really need to talk with someone about all these conflicting thoughts and emotions. Everyone experiences the range of emotions you describe when facing a parenting role for the first time, especially when that impending role comes as a surprise. 

My first child was a complete shock, I got pregnant 3 months after our wedding and neither of us wanted kids for a good 5 years. I was terrified, hadn't completed college, hadn't traveled and those two things were tips on my list of must haves before we started a family.

The bottom line is that life happens. Our lives rarely follow the course we expected, sometimes we screw it up and other times it's a "sh!t happens" kind of road block. 

Happiness comes from within. No one is ever fully prepared for parenthood. Becoming a parent forces us to really look at ourselves, our own parents, the relationship we had with them and we determine to be better parents than what we had or we follow the example set by our parents. In your case, you will be thinking you need to be a better father than your father. How you do that might feel mystifying at first, but you'll get the hang of it.

There is also an element of control. You are being confronted with the reality that you simply can not and do not control much of what happens in your life. You CAN learn to cope with the unexpected and you can learn to be happy and content when faced with the unexpected.

Sometimes new parents who didn't have the best example of parenting turn away from the job. Are you the kind of person who needs to feel a level of confidence before you undertake something? Are you questioning your ability to be a better father? If so, the easiest way to gain confidence is to learn about pregnancy and babies. Read a few of the most current baby books out there. You will begin to feel better prepared and more confident in your ability to cope.

I also detected a slight concern that you fear you won't be able to love your son, because you never felt love from your father. This is just not the case. You may be mystified about how to show that love for your son, but as soon as you look into your sons face, you will feel an incredible and over poweringly fierce sense of protection for that baby. This is the first stirring of parental love.

Lastly, you mention you need all the ingredients to be present for great sex, but then you talk about having had the sex drive of 10 teenagers. This is kind of conflicting because 10 teenagers don't need anything to be perfect in order to want to have sex, except a willing female.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

Richard I feel for you. Like other have said it perfectly normal to have the thought you have when you didn't plan the baby. I have a co - worker who is going through that with her pregnancy now. Her H didn't want kids at all (13 years older than her) in mid 40's. But he is still being supportive of her ironically he being more supportive now than before. He spend more time with her and is nicer to her. But he still have fear about being a Dad. And he still say he would rather not be having a baby at this stage in his life. 

As for sex if your wife gets like a lot of pregnant women and wants lots of sex what do you plan to do? I can tell you from experience when my H was traveling a lot (he's gone now). Pregnant and horny is not a good combination.


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