# Conflicted...



## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

So my husband did something very romantic for my birthday (he knew he had to up his game)... thing is, as lovely as it was, when she showed me the texts from my friend who helped, it was mostly all her idea! Including the songs on the Cd, he came up with 6, (we've been together 11 years).... she came up with the rest. I am greatful he did it all, but part of me is conflicted and frustrated that he couldn't come up with it himself, it was honestly very simple, date a home, with a later walk on the beach, but we danced to our song in the living room, etc... 
When we were first dating he was so romantic just little things and lately that has been a thing I have asked for more of. So I am so greatful because I enjoyed it thoroughly, but then to find out it was mostly my friend, and not much of his ideas.... just kind of sunk my heart just a little bit. Honestly as a woman makes me feel that I just don't mean that much to him anymore that he couldn't come up with his own way to wow me. Am I just being a ***** about this? Honestly. Ladies how would you feel?


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

I would feel like I had a loving husband who wanted to do something special and was smart enough to know the right resource to get it done.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

I agree with *committed*. I would be thrilled about what he did for me and that he had the brains to get help.

Don't ruin what was a good gesture, let it go.


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## GoBlue (Feb 21, 2013)

He sounds very thoughtful. I would not feel upset about that at all.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Seems like he's not getting credit for wanting to do something special. You really didn't give us enough information though. Did he ask her for ideas?


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## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

It's the thought that counts.

Give him a break. He wanted to give you something special... and he used every resource at his disposal to get it done.

Don't look a gift horse in the mouth!

I'd praise him to high heaven so he'd do it again... Let him know in no uncertain terms how much you liked it... And, every so often.. I'd bring it back up... just to keep it fresh on his mind...

Fuss and him and that will be the last time he goes so far out of his way to make something special happen for you...


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## Fleur de Cactus (Apr 6, 2013)

Yes , he did not do anything wrong, it is normal to ask for advises, ideas when you want to choose a gift for someone, especially when you want it to be the right choice. Be happy he did it and enjoy it.


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## Senior Citizen (Jul 25, 2013)

What a kind gesture ALL to make your birthday memorable! He used the resources he had available! Good for him. You are a very lucky lady. Don't question how much of the evening was his original idea. Appreciate that it happened. Bravo to your husband!


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## Kaboom (Feb 6, 2013)

livelaughlovenow said:


> So my husband did something very romantic for my birthday (he knew he had to up his game)... thing is, as lovely as it was, when she showed me the texts from my friend who helped, it was mostly all her idea! Including the songs on the Cd, he came up with 6, (we've been together 11 years).... she came up with the rest. I am greatful he did it all, but part of me is conflicted and frustrated that he couldn't come up with it himself, it was honestly very simple, date a home, with a later walk on the beach, but we danced to our song in the living room, etc...
> When we were first dating he was so romantic just little things and lately that has been a thing I have asked for more of. So I am so greatful because I enjoyed it thoroughly, but then to find out it was mostly my friend, and not much of his ideas.... just kind of sunk my heart just a little bit. Honestly as a woman makes me feel that I just don't mean that much to him anymore that he couldn't come up with his own way to wow me. Am I just being a ***** about this? Honestly. Ladies how would you feel?


Love is supposed to come naturally. Men shouldn't be made to *prove* it, nor should romance be forced. The world isn't a romantic movie, and your expectations are unrealistic. The fact that he is trying to accommodate you should be more than enough. 

I know it's not what you want to hear, and probably sounds mean, but you seriously are asking too much.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

So he wanted to do something very special for you. He took the time to enlist help to figure out how to plan it out and executed it.

What a DOUCHE!!! (okay sarcasm off)

It sounds like you still WANT to be mad at him for his more recent past of not giving this to you instead of giving him the credit here.

When you two got married, did you borrow anyone else's ideas. Did you have a church wedding? Or elope to Vegas? Did you throw flowers? Did you HAVE flowers? Did you wear a white gown? Did he propose on one knee? Did you use a wedding planner? See what I'm getting at.

The reality is 90% of all romantic gestures have been done before. The most romantic people usually take an already invented idea and "adjust" it a bit.

Give the man credit for making sure the night was perfect. He even took the time and energy to enlist the help of an "advisor" who KNOWS YOU to MAKE SURE the night was good. I give him props. Would you feel better is he got his romantic ideas from one of his work buddies who can't ever keep a woman and he came home with a six pack and a movie?


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

livelaughlovenow said:


> So my husband did something very romantic for my birthday (he knew he had to up his game)... thing is, as lovely as it was, when she showed me the texts from my friend who helped, it was mostly all her idea! Including the songs on the Cd, he came up with 6, (we've been together 11 years).... she came up with the rest. I am greatful he did it all, but part of me is conflicted and frustrated that he couldn't come up with it himself, it was honestly very simple, date a home, with a later walk on the beach, but we danced to our song in the living room, etc...
> When we were first dating he was so romantic just little things and lately that has been a thing I have asked for more of. So I am so greatful because I enjoyed it thoroughly, but then to find out it was mostly my friend, and not much of his ideas.... just kind of sunk my heart just a little bit. Honestly as a woman makes me feel that I just don't mean that much to him anymore that he couldn't come up with his own way to wow me. Am I just being a ***** about this? Honestly. Ladies how would you feel?


Please stop this. You are only upset because you both lay expectations of what he does and how he does it. Then when he is successful you are trying to find a way to still be mad at him. You sound like a selfish princess to me and I am basing that only on what you wrote and how you said it. I hope I am wrong but I am guessing you are a bit of a control freak.
Maybe (just a thought) if you shared more emotionally with him than your best girlfriend then he would not need to source out this information to attempt to please you.


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

nogutsnoglory said:


> Please stop this. You are only upset because you both lay expectations of what he does and how he does it. Then when he is successful you are trying to find a way to still be mad at him. You sound like a selfish princess to me and I am basing that only on what you wrote and how you said it. I hope I am wrong but I am guessing you are a bit of a control freak.
> Maybe (just a thought) if you shared more emotionally with him than your best girlfriend then he would not need to source out this information to attempt to please you.


I am not a selfish princess, and I am totally emotional with him, I have given him ideas myself to be romantic, but he just never did. I love what he did... and I am a slight control freak, but that has nothing to do with this situation, I didn't want to control it, I just wish it was his own ideas. But I have had a chance to think, and I guess the part that bothered me was he felt the need to go to my friend... Either way, what he did was very sweet, I hope I didn't come across that I was trying to take away from that... because I wasn't. I was just wondering how others would think. I also have to consider many of the people on here (much like myself) would kill to have their spouse do something remotely nice for them. I am happy he did it.


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

livelaughlovenow said:


> I am not a selfish princess, and I am totally emotional with him, I have given him ideas myself to be romantic, but he just never did. I love what he did... and I am a slight control freak, but that has nothing to do with this situation, I didn't want to control it, I just wish it was his own ideas. But I have had a chance to think, and I guess the part that bothered me was he felt the need to go to my friend... Either way, what he did was very sweet, I hope I didn't come across that I was trying to take away from that... because I wasn't. I was just wondering how others would think. I also have to consider many of the people on here (much like myself) would kill to have their spouse do something remotely nice for them. I am happy he did it.


I really think he felt pressure from you to get it right. You being a self admitted bit of a control freak means that you show disappointment openly when things are done to others standards but not your own. He probably went to her to do his very best at making sure his attempt to make you happy would not be a disappointment to you. Sounds like you are realizing what he did was out of love for you and that is all that should count.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

livelaughlovenow said:


> I am not a selfish princess, and I am totally emotional with him, I have given him ideas myself to be romantic, but he just never did. I love what he did... and I am a slight control freak, but that has nothing to do with this situation, I didn't want to control it, I just wish it was his own ideas. But I have had a chance to think, and I guess the part that bothered me was he felt the need to go to my friend... Either way, what he did was very sweet, I hope I didn't come across that I was trying to take away from that... because I wasn't. I was just wondering how others would think. I also have to consider many of the people on here (much like myself) would kill to have their spouse do something remotely nice for them. I am happy he did it.


This is a great response. We all make mistakes in regards to reactions, but it's the long term perceptions we carry that truly dictate how things go for us.

I hope you realize I was trying to put a fair amount of humor and not sound jaded in my earlier post.

Just praise and praise and thank and praise your husband for his actions. Don't say "see this is what I was always looking for in the past.". One is a back handed critique, the other isn't. Men thrive on (and will attempt to repeat behavior that gets) praise.


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

Dad&Hubby said:


> This is a great response. We all make mistakes in regards to reactions, but it's the long term perceptions we carry that truly dictate how things go for us.
> 
> I hope you realize I was trying to put a fair amount of humor and not sound jaded in my earlier post.
> 
> Just praise and praise and thank and praise your husband for his actions. Don't say "see this is what I was always looking for in the past.". One is a back handed critique, the other isn't. Men thrive on (and will attempt to repeat behavior that gets) praise.


I totally see what you are saying and I didn't say anything to him regards my thoughts about my friend helping (she is a great friend, no worries there) but I do need to thank him again and again. I did all weekend, but you are right with regards to a backhanded remark (I haven't said anything like that-which is a good thing). Thanks all for your input. i think the one person said it best, with how weddings are done, proposals, etc... everything is someone else's idea just tweaked, which he did.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

livelaughlovenow said:


> But I have had a chance to think, and I guess the part that bothered me was he felt the need to go to my friend...


Would it be different if he hit google and found ideas or one of his buddies gave them the idea. Maybe the idea of him and her talking in secret without your knowledge triggered an insecurity. That would be a natural feeling emotionally even though logically it doesn't make sense in this case from what we know.


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## Princess Puffin'stuff (Mar 8, 2013)

So, if he had gone to a jeweler and gotten advice on which diamond ring to buy for you and bought it, would you be pissed that he asked for advice? Would you pissed that he didn't mine the diamond himself, forge the setting and make the velveteen box?

Seriously...

ETA: Sorry - I missed the OP's earlier post that she gets it.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

I know the OP gets it now which is a good thing because he could have stopped by the gas station on his way home on her birthday and grabbed a windshield wiper and given it to her. At least he would have done that all by himself right?  I think this does touch on a much broader issue and that is the general belief that some people have that if they have to ask for something, that it is then diminished in importance.

For example, if I say "Honey, I would love it if you gave me a hug and kiss when I get home from work because I really miss that connection all day, and love having it back as soon as we're together again." Is it fair to her the next day when I get home and she does it to say it doesn't count because I had to tell her to do it? Or is it more fair to her to be upset because she couldn't read my mind? It is easy to see why people would struggle with this.

We would all love our partners to automatically be so in tune with us that they meet all of our needs completely naturally, but it rarely works that way. I personally think that if I have to ask for something, and she makes an effort to continue to do it, or she does something on her own, even with input, that it really shows active participation, and a true desire to please me, meet my needs, and keep our relationship strong.


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## Spinner (Jul 26, 2013)

My heart would sink a little too, but only a little. I think most men get help on being romantic and bounce ideas off friends. He just shouldn't have told you  In the end it's nice that he wanted to do something for you  I don't think you're a selfish princess for wanting your husband to know what you'd like.


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## jmp2204 (Aug 7, 2013)

Obviously I don't know u or your H. what he did was very cool, it was for you and about you .appreciate it ! I am a guy and regularly suggest to friends (guy) what to do to wow their partners, Some guys want to do something but are truly lost on what to do.no big deal , is your glass half full or empty?


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