# Wifes pregnant by another man...just need support



## Shonc70 (Aug 21, 2011)

My wife of 6 years,and with whom I have always had a very close ,supportive and frankly wonderful relationship with has dropped a bomb that threatens our marriage and has left me unable to sleep eat or function as a normal human being.
My wife has been a Bi-Polar sufferer since 1997 and despite it being medicated and well controlled she has had 2 episodes which required hospitalisation (for as much as 6 weeks on occasion) since I have known her. She is 32 and has always wanted children but as her meds are so strong and we both has busy careers we has put this on hold. We had been told that she would have to go off her meds to have a healthy baby and the prospect of the risk of another episode seemed like a heavy gamble.
We had not spoken of children since early 2010 and then we decided to wait until after 2013 due to work changes and other things.
Anyway, everything was great, then she was introduced to a Asian spiritual healer through a friend. She has always been quite alternative and spiritual so it wasn’t completely out of character for her when she decided to see him monthly. She was very open about what she wanted to get from the experience….she found the meditation helped her sleep and relax and improve her outlook on life…all things that she could sometimes have issues with and that unresolved had led to episodes in the past.
This seemed to work, she began to lose some of the nervous stress that she could suffer and I helped her with some of her relaxation exercises. This was in September 2010. In late October my wife lost her father to cancer, she was devastated but coped really well. Better than any of her family or I expected. She began seeing her “healer” a little more often but it seemed to help and she appeared to need it. Again everything settled down and by December she talked to me about the idea of her cutting down on some of her meds, I said we should speak to our doctor but she really just wanted to stop taking them…claiming her Healer had said she was ready to cope and that they were more negative than positive. On speaking to our doctor he was adamant that she couldn’t go off them but she could switch medications if she needed to.
My wife wasn’t happy with this, but seemed content. By this stage she was seeing her Healer once every two weeks. Over the next few months I noticed very little difference in her. We were as close as ever, we spent lots of time together and seemed really close. However, looking back I believe there was a time when she became a little more stressed and reverted to her imsomnia. 

I now know that as of January she stopped ALL of her meds, she did so as she was ensured by her healer that all would be well. She kept this from me. I also now know that in mid March this year she had her IUD coil removed.

During this timespan she continued to go to her Healers bi-weekly, the only differnence I noted was that she would speak on the phone to him more often...but as I was present for some of the calls I saw no issue with that.

Then came the week from hell, I arrived home from work one night and Miranda wasn’t there. I called and left a message, and became worried as this isn’t like her, but, at about 23:00 she came in the door. She wasn’t herself, wouldn’t talk about it but said it was work related. On going to bed, we didn’t embrace and cuddle together as usual…I put it down to stress. She was late home again the next day, she was still not right…It seemed to me as though she was thinking of the punchline of a joke without saying it. She was smilling and happy but not communicative or physical with me.
This continued until I confronted her on the morning of our day off.
She sat on our bed and told me how happy she was, I was quite worked up and her calmness made me so uneasy. I asked why she was so happy, I wish I hadn’t. She looked me straight in the eye and told me she was Pregnant ! I felt like I was going to pass out I was so shocked. But I did what any proud father would do and we hugged and kissed. Moments after, the penny dropped, I realised that if she was pregnant the meds would lead to some serious deformities. I asked her what about her meds and she told how she had gone off them. I felt better knowing that but then confronted her with the issue of her birth control. She told me that “He” had told her that it was effecting her and causing an imbalance within her, and that he was right and she had felt so much better without it. By this stage I had been on an emotional roller coaster, on one hand I loved the idea of us having a child, on the other, all of the worry of possible Manic/depressive episodes added to a pregnancy added to the total lack of planning made me feel ill.

Miranda’s behaviour still wasn’t right though, she was still distant. I asked all the obvious questions…when she found out? Was she sure? And then I asked her to walk me through how she gave up her meds and how safe the baby would be. What she was was saying and how she was saying it became chilling to me. She told how he has told her that she is a special spiritual being and how her medications were stopping her reaching a state of higher consciousness and spiritual perfection !!! She told me that he had chosen her to follow him and to be his apprentice.
All of this was so bizarre as it sounded like someone else’s words in her mouth and she did not mention the pregnancy. I asked her what she meant by all of this and she told me how they had to become one, and how important their bond was.

I know it sounds lame, but at this stage I still had no idea where she was going with this and thinking back I feel like an idiot. The part that haunts me is when she placed her hands on her belly and crotch and told me that his seed had chosen her !!! It makes me so ill just thinking about it. I just stood there, I didn’t know what to say or do or think. I thought it was a sick joke, but no, she meant it. I did something I have never done before or since and stormed off. I got in my car and just sat there. I didn’t know where to go and didn’t even have the keys. I just cried, my stomach was in a knot, I couldn’t speak or think, I was in despair.
After what seemed like an age I walked back in the house, I was furious, I demanded to speak with him and she called him, she was so calm it was eerie. I ranted down the phone to him and he just gave the same lines as she did. I called her horrible names, threatened him and told him I would tell his wife and the newspapers and so on but he didn’t even change tone. 
After hanging up, I went back to talking to Miranda, I asked her why she wanted to split us up… she said she didn’t and that she loved me and wanted to be with me.! I asked her what about him being married and she told me his wife knew!!! Which I didn’t believe at the time. I asked how she thought the child would feel and how she intended to continue with the pregnancy and she continued to talk about she and I staying together but when I mentioned him she said she could not be without him. She says she loves him in a spiritual sense…..I don’t even know what the means.
I asked if she would terminate the pregnancy but she says she would never do that.
After hours of circular conversation I told her I was going to my brothers house and left. But my problem then became an intense jealousy, I felt as though any moment I wasn’t with her she would spend with him. I still feel this way and going to work is hell, as all I can think of is her having sex with him. At my brothers, I just told him that Miranda and I were having an argument, I still haven’t told anyone the truth…I am so deeply embarrassed and hurt.
So this is my predicament….It has been a couple of weeks now and we are still in the same house but not sleeping together. I am going to work as is she and I have met Him face to face a couple of times with Miranda and without. I have asked him how he feels about the breach of trust as he is supposed to be a healer…again his responses are calm and criptic, which infuriates me. When Miranda is present he is more spiritual in his responses whereas when we met alone he seemed more aggressive and almost triumphant. His wife does know and stands by him and appears mute on the subject.
I love my wife so much it hurts, but she is not the woman I married at the moment. I have spoken to the doctor and Psych. Crisis team but although they sympathise they say she has the capacity to chose what she is doing and cannot be sectioned. I believe she has had and is having an episode but is being fed so much drivel by him and is so under his spell that I cannot get through to her.
I believe she has been unstable since around February and I believe she has been subject to a concerted effort by him to impregnate her. Although it kills me I have asked her how events of the pregnancy occurred. I don’t believe it is coincidence that he had sex with her exactly as she was ovulating after having the IUD removed…He has only had sex with Miranda when she was ovulating. He had given her fertility enhancing remedies (if only I had known when I had seen them) . She fell pregnant in May and is now three months along. I asked if there is any chance the baby is mine but she says she knows it isn’t. I have asked if she intends to continue to sleep with him and she says no. I have asked her what her feeling for him are sexually and she says I am focusing on the animal side of it not the deeper connection and that it doesn’t work like that?
I am at my wits end, I don’t really want a divorce but I can’t live like this. I have considered a civil law suit against him but I don’t want to go through detail after detail in public. My family still don’t know, but are getting suspicious as Miranda is beginning to show. I have felt trapped suicidal and so depressed at times but I just want her back to normal…we have always had such a wonderful life together. I would almost be happy for her to have the child an live a lie ,but as the father is Asian it will be clear to all.

I know I have grounds for divorce, I know I should leave her, I know I should tell my family and get support but I find it so hard to think straight.I would love some words of advice, help or honesty.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Damn....

My daughter is also "supposed" to take psych meds much like the ones your wife took/takes.

You do realize the self-discontinuance rates for these meds is 75-80%. Rare is the individual who realizes they need the meds and is able to continue to realize how important they are "after" they start feeling better.

And, any of us "normal" folk who wonder how this can be? Tell me about all the unfinished antibiotics in your medicine cabinet.

This sounds like an abusive relationship - as this "healer" is preying on your vulnerable wife. I would suggest a family law attorney or other professional would/could give you better advice on this than we can.

What I fear is that you're going to have to leave her and get her to make a choice. Continuing on with this healer while married to you is classic "cake eating". You must not allow her to use you as a doormat in that way.


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## smartyblue (Jun 22, 2011)

Holy crap! I am so truly sorry about this situation. You have got to talk to a professional. 

I know this-- the right answer for you will come after some time has passed. I know she is starting to show and that creates anxiety for you. You must really, really love her to consider standing by her side. Kudos to you for being such a loving man. You are a wonderful guy so know that. Please do not consider taking your own life. THIS IS NOT THE END! Do not punish your family and friends for her terrible choice and victimization. You can't quit!

You will have to take this day by day. The decision is not as simple as "you should walk away." It is also not easy to say, "you should stay." But you do need to process, alone what you want for your life in the next 5 years. Do you see yourself raising another man's kid? Can your wife guarantee this won't happen again? 

You have questions you have to answer for yourself first. Make the decision to talk to your closest friend. You have to tell someone because keeping it inside will make you self-destruct. Let us know if you need further advice and comfort. All of us on this site have relationship problems! Take care and take lots of deep breaths!


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## Shonc70 (Aug 21, 2011)

Your so right Conrad, it has always been an issue with psych meds...she was on some fairly strong stuff with considerable side effects.

It is good to hear that you consider this abusive behavior too, I think part of what makes this so tough is that she appears normal to those whose don't know her...friends of hers have also commented on how she is not acting like herself and how "twitchy" she seems.

My closest friend who I would have talked to was my wife...and that is partially why this is so tough....I feel like I have nobody to close enough to burden with this.

Thanks folks.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Seven states allow Alienation of Affection lawsuits, and Criminal Conversation lawsuits, you can google the torts, and see where they are allowed----also Intentional Infliction of Emotional Distress lawsuits are allowed in all states

Your wife is under this guys spell, and there may be nothing you can do about it, till something drastic happens, due to her staying off her regular meds

As to the child, if you allow the child to be born, and you seem to have no choice here, you will be forced to deal with it for a minimum of 18 yrs.

Due to the child you do have some decisions that have to be made rather quickly, if you allow it to be born, without challenging its paternity, you will be presumed its father

No matter what, if your wife has the child, go after the faith healer for child support, but then again if you do, that puts him in your life for the next 18 yrs.

Your wife has put you into quite a predicament----obviously you could D., and walk away, right now, no matter what your wife says, the "Healer" is in control of your mge., and that isn't a situation that is healthy for you in any way shape or form


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

I think that I might be allowed to state this opinion, given that I've been married to a bipolar for 24 years, although it is bipolar spectrum, and apparently not this severe. This desease has already begun to destroy your self-worth. You treat her like the disease gives her an excuse, and so you've started on a journey that will lead to nothing but heartache. 

You have no reason to feel like she is your one and only possible shot at happiness, and have to accept that happiness will not often be the first word that comes to mind when you describe your relationship in the future. You will see the other man's face everytime you look at the child, when he/she behaves in a way that seems like somebody else's kid. In my opinion, spiritual healers and journies are a very high risk thing to get into unsupervised for people with a firm basis of normality. My wife's early downfall was blind adherence to ultra-conservative religion. The disease can become wrapped around these beliefs, as you now know. If your wife feels strongly about spiritualism, it should only be available to her when you are watching her swallow the pills every day. I still watch my wife swallow the pills. Took a couple of suicidal periods, but I got to that place.

She's showing you that your needs are inferior in this relationship. Reading your post shows that you are hurting for her condition, while denying your own pride and individuality. It took me 20 years to even realize that I had needs. Don't wait that long. It is possible to divorce her and still care for her.

I'd be willing to bet that you felt like she would reach a stable place, and then the two of you would reach a place where the relationship was mutually fulfilling. That was the hope that carried me. Are you willing to wait 20 or more years for something that might never come?

I just think that there are some critical expectations that have to be set into place when you marry someone who is bipolar and not medically stable. I got lucky and handled some early crisis' in a way that allowed us to mostly have a close relationship, but my crisis was not as severe as yours.

You come here for support. I hope you find the support to do what is right for you, your self-worth, and your happiness.


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## Shonc70 (Aug 21, 2011)

Halien, it is nice to know others have similar life experiences...In some ways I think you know exactly how I have been thinking.

I have been accused of overshadowing my own needs in the past, and I have always had hangups about my personal happiness and self worth.

My fear is that if I divorce her too soon and she recovers and comes to her senses I will have given up my once beautiful relationship....sounds hollow now I know.

I also need help myself as I cant spend any time at rest without thinking of them both being intimate and her cheating on me. It stops me sleeping and makes me sick


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

I reckon it’s best to think that they will never “recover”. That they will always be like they are now, today, in this moment. And then take yourself 20 or 30 years forward in time to 2031 0r 2041 (yes, nearly half way through the century) and look back and visualise what your life would have been like if you had chose to stay.

Because of your wife’s illness, you will be a codependent. Read some books on codependency, Codependent no More and others. I actually think that once they realise it codependents have so much freedom more self-esteem, self-respect and self-worth coming to them in the days and years after they ceased to be a codependent. When we cease to be a codependent we really start to grow, mature and individuate.


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## fredless (Jun 12, 2011)

1. If this "healer" is licensed, you need to immediately call your state board of professional regulation and report his behavior. I'd call even if he isn't licensed to see if anything could be done.

2. I have one hard and fast rule in my marriage--if my wife were to ever cheat on me, the marriage is done. I could never trust her again. Some would disagree, but that's my view.


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## sprinter (Jul 25, 2011)

I think you have to be very careful excusing her behavior. Yes she was probably taken in by this man but she did what she did willingly. That she was able to come home and tell you this with a smile is unconscionable. I realize bi-polars have a skewed sense of what's proper sometimes and she has been manipulated. But you can't own her mistakes and she can't lean on her condition and whatever "consciousness" she has now as some sort of enlightenment. It's an affair. And if its this guy's baby you need to know and leave if so. All of the other stuff, her bi-polar etc. is not going to change the fact that she knows better and had an affair. If you keep making excuses for you then you will lose yourself. Come out of this darkness and find yourself some peace!


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Shonc70 said:


> Halien, it is nice to know others have similar life experiences...In some ways I think you know exactly how I have been thinking.
> 
> I have been accused of overshadowing my own needs in the past, and I have always had hangups about my personal happiness and self worth.
> 
> ...


Believe me, I know how you feel when it comes to the bipolar aspect. If you tell her that you cannot stay with her if she keeps the child, AND she chooses to keep it, I just think divorce will help her as much as it helps you. Through your own guilt when she accused you of being uncaring in the past, you gave an inch, then another inch, until finally she betrayed you completely. You never did this intentionally, but she certainly felt that you should accept this relationship now. Nothing short of divorce, in my opinion, will wake her up.

Later, since you care so much, if you have not moved on, she may approach you for a new start.

Because she took herself out of legitimate therapy, and could do so again if there are no consequences, she will eventually take you down with her, I suspect. In my wife's case, the bipolar spectrum type has no mania. It has moderate depression to severe depression. I didn't have to deal with your issues, but ours was probably cummulative periods of several years where she wanted to die so badly that I eventually got to where I cannot sleep more than four to five hours per night.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Ok, lets look at this in the most simpiliest ways
First, make this "affair" as difficult as possible and as uncomfortable as possible. You will have to bite the bullet and go public. Since your W is spell bound I suggest your front to fight this is with the "healer". Making his life as misserable as possible with the intend of letting your wife go....breaking up if you will. My thinking here is the trouble you generate towards the "healer" will make it not worth the effort to continue the relationship.

Now that you have broken up the relationship (hopefully) then you can point your focus on the marriage, and with that the both of you can talk about adobtion. 

If you want to keep this women and you can't control her so put the pressure on the OM, sue this guy and publicly out him as an aldulterous preditor, I would call every goverment agency there is and get them to look at this guys practice. Do your research and find out everything you can about this guy....his church, parent , his wife, everything and f~ck up his life, expose him.

Contact other healers and find out as much as you can, you have to know your enemy to fight them. Make so it is not worth his effort to continue having your wife as a "patient".


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## Shonc70 (Aug 21, 2011)

Thanks so much for the support guys... I have looked at relevant licencing bodies but it turns out:

A- The SOB isn't registered and doesn't have to be.

B- Doesn't run a business per say...I don't know what he does. But it appears he plays at this spiritual thing.

So any issue I have would be best served as you said, going public.

Spoke to my wife again today, she doesn't seem any different and even said that she is missing my company...?????

But when I asked if she had spoken to him she admitted he had called about her scan results... I can't bring myself to look at them, but he seems to delight in them.

This is part of what makes this so weird.....it isn't like she even hides anything (that I know of) if I ask her a question she just answers me straight.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Was money exchanged? 


Don't give up....get into this guys personal business. He may even be/or has been doing this to other women. 
This guy is a POS and guys like that always have dirt. I'm sure he is affiliated with some org. is so this could be another way to expose him.If he belongs to a church then there is a pastor of sorts even a congregation that can also be exposed.

Do a search on this guy ...I mean a good one that cost money, he may have criminal record. 

I'm thinking out side the box here but if he has a record of sexual assults and with your wifes mental condition that may give you an avenue to get the police involved.

At the very least get a law suit going that can be a start and who know the trouple my convince him to break it off with your wife.

Getting your wife away from this "healer" and breaking this spell is goint to be tough, so don't give up. 

Do some searchs for brainwashing and how to counter them!

Is commiting her even an option?


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## smartyblue (Jun 22, 2011)

Oprah has a show on her network called "Unfaithful." I haven't seen it yet but I've heard its very insightful. Here's the link: Unfaithful: Stories of Betrayal - Series Premiere - OWN TV

You have to watch the story about the Pastor and his wife. You two share a similar story.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Does he pay taxes on the money he earns from this operation? How much doe he charge and can you estimate how many visits he has per week. Does he work any other job? Is he married or otherwise attached? 

You have to protect your wife, she is not well. Take charge and tell her not to contact him. Get your family and her family involved. She needs to be deprogramed from this creep. 

investigate this creep. He is praticing medicine without a lisense if he is advising her not to take her meds. Ypu can not allow her to make her own decisions in her present state. You need to protect her.

If you need to hire someone to get the scoop on this creep then do so. See a lawyer to see if you have any legal remedy. 

Alienation of affection is one. He purposely impregnated her. Drop a dime to the IRS. What is immigration status? 

Tell him to back off your wife now. Do every thing you can legally to make as much trouble in his life as possible.


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

As for your wife, i know you mean well to stay in it for her, but i can forgive an affair, especially in her situation. But having to be reminded by that affair daily... nope, i couldn't personally do it. That's another man's baby growing in your wife's stomach. I would have to be out. Good luck, the fact that you are still around says a lot about your character. You really don't want to give up on this woman.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

This is crazy.

It sounds like "spiritual healer" is a cult leading a$$hole.

Idk how you would be able to deal with this in the long-term if she has the baby.

I personally would file divorce.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

wow what a cluster ****

you have soooooo many roadblocks that it isn't funny

1) Bipolar disorder that isn't being medicated
2) an affair
3) a pregnancy resulting from an affair
4) wife is being brainwashed by a cult like figure

there has to be a point where you say enough

I'm bipolar and while I am not as bad as your wife I do understand that while sometimes my actions are not under control, I still must take responsibility for those actions

you need to absolve yourself of those responsibilities, you can't enable her to dump all of this you and expect you to clean it up

it's time to let go of this woman and all of the pain she is causing you.


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## Haley (Apr 22, 2011)

Just a thought...and I appologize if someone has already brought this up........and I know this sounds far-fetched.....

What if the healer guy wants the baby? Maybe that was his whole plan for getting her pregnant. Maybe that's why his wife is going along with it. 

If your wife has the baby, since you're married, legally you would be the father. But could he sue for DNA testing and custody? If he brought up your wife's bi-polar issues, he might prove that she was an unfit mother.

Now, it may sound appealing to be rid of the child and the constant reminder and all, but it could mentally devastate your wife.

And, in some weird twist of legal misjustice, could he get custody and sue you and/or your wife for child support?


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Haley said:


> If your wife has the baby, since you're married, legally you would be the father. But could he sue for DNA testing and custody? If he brought up your wife's bi-polar issues, he might prove that she was an unfit mother.


The OP can just have a DNA test done during the pregnancy if he wants. At some point during the pregnancy you can have a DNA test done to test for paternity.

If the DNA test comes back and he's not the father, he can walk away from the marriage and the child with no responsibility. If he puts his name on the birth certificate then he's screwed even if the child was not his.

Biggest question for the OP now, can you live with another's man child for the rest of your life if the child is not yours.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Shonc70 said:


> She fell pregnant in May and is now three months along. I asked if there is any chance the baby is mine but she says she knows it isn’t.


Is there any possibility that she is wrong, and the child is yours?She would not be the first to be wrong, and you may need to prepare for the possibility that with all this $h!t going on around you, that you could be a father. You will need to protect your child and yourself. Unless there is no possibility, have a DNA test waiting, and have plans of action ready based on the result.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Tall Average Guy said:


> Is there any possibility that she is wrong, and the child is yours?She would not be the first to be wrong, and you may need to prepare for the possibility that with all this $h!t going on around you, that you could be a father. You will need to protect your child and yourself. Unless there is no possibility, have a DNA test waiting, and have plans of action ready based on the result.


:iagree:

@ OP ~ You can have DNA testing done during pregnancy. I think you should do this so that you know exactly what you are dealing with and can then make some informed decisions. Paternity Testing : American Pregnancy Association

God Bless.


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## SadieBrown (Mar 16, 2011)

cheatinghubby said:


> The OP can just have a DNA test done during the pregnancy if he wants. At some point during the pregnancy you can have a DNA test done to test for paternity.
> 
> If the DNA test comes back and he's not the father, he can walk away from the marriage and the child with no responsibility. If he puts his name on the birth certificate then he's screwed even if the child was not his.
> 
> Biggest question for the OP now, can you live with another's man child for the rest of your life if the child is not yours.


The mother would have to agree to the test during pregnancy. She may not do this because of the method of DNA collection there is some risk to the baby (and lets not forget this situation is not the child's fault) 

As for walking away, it may not be that simple. In most states if the mother was married at anytime during the pregnancy that man is considered the legal father. That is not to say he is stuck, he can have a paternity test after the child is born, and have his name removed from the birth certificate. He just needs to stay on top of things.

To the original poster, you really need to be talking to an attorney about the legal concerns here. You also need to talk to him about what can be done about this man. I think this man is a predator. He convinced a bi-polar woman to go off his meds and then he seduces her - that is just sick. I also have to wonder if this is the first time he has done this. Is there anyway you could talk to his wife? I wonder if she is as alright with all this as you have been told. This man needs to be stopped. 

I also agree with the poster that said there needs to be some sort of repercussions here for both your wife and this man. Your wife may need to be shocked out of la-la land and this man needs to know what he did is not acceptable.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

The problem with all of this though, is (presumably) this:

1. His wife is still performing, or at least maintaining at work.
2. She is caring adequately for herself and the fetus ( eating, hygeine, etc.)
3. She's not engaging in illegal or excessively risky behavior that makes her a threat to herself or others.

So unfortunately, no matter what can be plainly seen...that she's made some poor choices regarding her medication, she'd gotten involved with some bizarre and really unsavory people, with some borderline tragic consequences...

The fact remains that even the mentally ill have the right to royally fvck up their lives as long as they aren't physically or legally harming anyone doing it.

She's clearly and classically manic as all get out right now, but Almostrecovered is spot on. Just because she's sick doesn't make her any less accountable for the choices that she's made. Yes, she was influenced and yes, he's a very bad man. 

However, YOU have to decide how enmeshed you're going to get in this drama. You can't change the facts and you can't reason with her right now. I promise you that. There is absolutely not a drop of reason in her brain right now until the mania drops away. And then there's no gurantee that reason will pop in for any length of time before the pendulum goes the other way and the peace of spiritual resonance turns into the churning of a black riptide.... 

So you can stick around and see what happens--how the cult-baby thing plays out and hope that the wife you knew and loved eventually "comes back".

Or you can cut your losses and protect yourself by cutting ties entirely as soon as possible.

You could even find some middle ground and leave her and try to salvage your own mental and financial health and see if there is any action you can take on her behalf legally, etc.

But the bottom line is that YOU have to act for YOU right now because as you've indicated, she's clearly not incapacitated--she just wants bad things. And that sucks. 

I'm sorry that you have to watch this and have to make these choices. I pray I never put someone in that position--I really do. Stories like yours inspire me to keep taking care of myself. I hope you're taking care of yourself too--


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## arack (Aug 23, 2011)

Shonc70 said:


> Thanks so much for the support guys... I have looked at relevant licencing bodies but it turns out:
> 
> A- The SOB isn't registered and doesn't have to be.
> 
> ...


Hi. Sorry for this situation. You need to go nuclear. Expose this to her family and this healer's family. If you do not have any kids, consider cutting your losses. You will find a better woman, no doubt. You are a good person.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

You will need to protect yourself. You can help her, if you want, when you are well protected financially and legally.

The child is not yours. You can confirm this via a paternity test with the DNA from the baby and you (mother not needed) after the baby is born. Such services are available online now and is relatively inexpensive.

Consider separation and divorce now. Dont end up being financially responsible for the child and the mother for the next 18 plus years. Why limit your future now? 

Let the other man be responsible for the child and your ex-wife.

If you do anything to condone or accept the situation, then you may be on hook for the next 2 decades taking care of another man's child. Why would you want that?

Lawyer up fast! Protect self - this should be your current goal.


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

Drop the misplaced guilt and don't fall for any of the new age psychobabble coming from the "healer" or your wife. These self proclaimed spiritual guru's often pray on weak people and thrive on controlling their lives. Do you want to be one of his sheep and feed into his enormous ego? He has impregnated your wife and doesn't seem to care about the consequences. This is not a moral person regardless of his "spirituality". 

You're wife made some seriously bad choices that apparently you are contemplating living with. You have to ask yourself what kind of mother will your wife be? What will be her next catastrophic failure in judgement? Will she pass on her mental traits to the child? Are you prepared to be the primary care giver of a child that's not yours?

I'm not trying to make you feel worse, but trying to make you realize that you are not responsible for her actions regardless of her mental condition. Your wife and this "healer" have set you up for a lifetime of misery without showing any remorse. How can you accept this? Don't be a doormat and protect yourself.


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## Shonc70 (Aug 21, 2011)

Firstly Guys...I feel so buoyed up by all of your responses and different views...Thank you all so very much.

Back to the point, I think both Almostrecoverd and Cogypsy are spot on:

My wife isn't self harming, isn't hurting anyone physically or causing any harm to the foetus and isn't doing anything illegal. She is in a Manic state...BUT...unless you have experienced this it is hard to define how "normal" if a little odd these sufferers can appear. So she has "capacity" as they call it and cannot be commited involuntarily.

The potential legal side of thing does frighten me but I have an appointment on Friday to sort out where I stand. ( I am so nervous about it but I reckon I have to face it sooner rather than later).

With regards to the "Healer" I have done some snooping from my wifes friend who introduced him and it appears he never tried anything untoward with her or anyone else in their group. She has cottoned on to Mirandas change in behavior but hasn't found out yet...all I could tell her was that Miranda wasn't well.

Since I last posted, I have managed to speak to Miranda more and she has appeared shaky for the first time. She has shed tears for the first time too....but ....she hasn't really changed her "plans". She still says she needs know why he has chosen her, my response has been "why the hell would you want to be involved with any one who believes this is right and proper".

I am encouraged by her fragility though as it leads me to believe her mania may deteriorate to a point where she can be treated or worked with. I feel horrible wishing illness on her but I hope you will all understand where I am coming from.

I will try to keep you posted.

Thanks for your imput Tall average Guy, I have considered the prospect that the baby is mine and I would be so happy if it were so but working out Mirandas cycle and when we made love I don't think it is likely.....but...you never know I suppose.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I strongly sigest that you spread the word about the peditory behavior the healer has. I understand you don't want to go public, but i would do my best to shut this POS down.

I would hope that you would agree that no more recommentations should be given, and to do that....with out specifics inform the person that did the recommending for this healer that he has made mader worse, and to pass it on.

This POS healer should be exposed. You will be doing a great community service by doing so.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

I am really not trying to sound like a jerk, but do people understand what bi-polar means? Her behaviour is not at all consistent with Bi-polar disorder. It sounds much more serious.

Going off bi-polar meds does not explain falling victim to a cult leader.


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## Zzyzx (Aug 24, 2011)

I would file for legal separation now with final resolution contingent on the paternity test. She has to know you are taking this seriously. So far it doesn't seem like she has. If it's verified not your child, divorce her. I would resist all attempts to make me support the child. I would not allow my name to go on the birth certificate. I would tell your (soon to be ex-) wife to get her child support from the healer. She needs to know that bad actions have consequences. She did that bad action and this is the price she must pay.

It's like this: if you stay with her, that kid will be there and it's not likely you will ever feel better looking at that kid. Further, you'll be telling your wife it's OK. No, it won't get better with time if this is how you are feeling now.

The question you must ask yourself today: do you want *your* resources to support a child conceived under these circumstances? It would be different for a guy dating and marrying a single mom, he would know ahead of time what he is getting into and can make a voluntary decision on that basis. In your relationship, there is no such free will on your part.

However, I am not so sure about publicizing this outside of your circle. The fact that your wife cheated on you may reflect poorly on you even if it's not your fault. Let her family know, let her friends know, let the healer's family know. Then kick them all out of your life and move on. It's your wife's loss, not yours, she showed you her true colors. You can return the favor by showing her to the door.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

sinnister said:


> I am really not trying to sound like a jerk, but do people understand what bi-polar means? Her behaviour is not at all consistent with Bi-polar disorder. It sounds much more serious.
> 
> Going off bi-polar meds does not explain falling victim to a cult leader.


Actually though, religious delusions (like being "chosen" by a religious figure), (presumably) heightened sexuality, impulsive decision making (getting pregnant) and discontinuing medication are all classic symptoms of mania. If you throw in the pretty common addictive personality qualities that people diagnosed with bipolar disordar have, then you have someone ripe for recruitment into groups and situations like this.

You could probably get into a whole chicken-egg discussion about whether it was this religious experience that pushed her towards the mania or if she fell into it because she was manic....but that's semantics at this point, in my opinion. Now there are more concrete things to deal with.


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## Shonc70 (Aug 21, 2011)

Yep, that's her alright.

Her normal pattern for previous episodes has been to first become extremely positive, very efficient and to try to organise the world...she will take on so many projects and be everywhere at once. This can appear deceptively normal.

Next she will start to falter, you suddenly notice a lack of willingness to talk about projects...plus she will seem very deep and tends to exhibit OCD like tendancies.

Then she will implode for want of a better word...I have come home on one occasion to find her in a cold shower fully clothed and talking to herself at a mile a minute...on another occasion she was found by the local police sitting in a daze in a fountain claiming to be the virgin mary???

While these things may sound amusing they really can be quite challenging.

During previous hospitalisation she has been extremily hostile toward me and hospital staff. She will often treat me with distain and contempt during the first 2 weeks of recovery. This can be interspersed with pseudofitting and lashing out.

She has exhibited bizarre sexual tendancies during those first two weeks also. On one occasion (that I know of) she offered oral sex to members of staff and during another episode she was caught attempting to have sex with other patients. This was really tough for me at the time but the hospital were really good at controlling her and documenting it. This tends to difuse after her liver enzyme tests show her emergency meds are kicking in.

I have asked her about these things after she recovers but she claims not to remember any of them. As her husband I have always wondered wether that is true or not.

I really cannot stress enough how out of character all of these events are for her. She is quite a prudish woman normally and is not very sexually adventurous. I know that sounds odd considering but she isn't like this normally.

I realise that many readers may believe that I am:
A: Kidding myself
B: Looking for excuses for her
C: Trying to blame the other guy

In order to resume the staus quo of our marriage, but I am trying so hard to be objective and trying to rise above my urge to freak out, divorce her, attack the SOB and blacken his name.

I am trying to play for the long game. I believe that in the end going public will damage me as much as him. I believe venting my anger by trashing his house or physically harming him is just playing into his hands and can only be negative (oh how I want to though). As I have already said, I am still so relunctant to divorce Miranda as (aside from the pregnancy) this could be episodic and transient.

As you may or may not tell from this post I am feeling more empowered today and more positive. I called the healer today, I made some notes first, calmed myself right down and phoned him. I decided to play his game so I spoke slowly and I think I managed to come across very cold and unemotional (I sweated like a pig and shook throughout...be he doesn't need to know that). I told him that I was recieving legal council regarding his trangressions and compensation, listed a swathe of publications that I was willing to contact and told him of my intent to divorce. I said I assumed he was aware of his responsibilities finacially as the father as he had made it his business to impregnate her. I added that I had the fertility remedies that he had given Miranda along with a note describing how to take them and details of pelvic excercises writen by him which I believe outline his intent. (Found it in one of her meds boxes). I left the phonecall by saying that he would hear from my lawyers on the matter and that I expected he would outline his plans regarding paternity and support with my soon to be ex-wife.

I am shaking again just typing it, It felt awsome....he was a different character. A lot of what I said was bluff but I didn't give him much of a chance to speak but when he did he seemed out of his depth and certainly wasn't calm. We shall see how it progresses....but I felt like I got some hits.

I am begining to realise that I have nothing to worry about as I have done nothing wrong...and don't feel as guilty and miserable as I did.

I have not spoken to Miranda today and will not until tomorrow evening. She has a hospital visit tomorrow (I think) so I am interested to see if they flag up her condition.

All in all a better day for me.....


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## kidcanman (Dec 20, 2010)

you don't have any children with her. Leave her.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Have you spoken to a lawyer? 

If not, you need to. If she has the child while you are still married you may very well end up obligated to pay child support even if you divorce her later. If you establish his paternity obligations NOW, you can and will be able to enforce them. 

Talk to a LAWYER. 




Shonc70 said:


> Yep, that's her alright.
> 
> Her normal pattern for previous episodes has been to first become extremely positive, very efficient and to try to organise the world...she will take on so many projects and be everywhere at once. This can appear deceptively normal.
> 
> ...


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

sinnister said:


> I am really not trying to sound like a jerk, but do people understand what bi-polar means? Her behaviour is not at all consistent with Bi-polar disorder. It sounds much more serious.
> 
> Going off bi-polar meds does not explain falling victim to a cult leader.


I understand all too well

and heightened feelings of spirituality is definitely a symptom that many of us get. Some bipolarism gets so bad during mania that it can actually present itself as paranoid schizophrenia. So don't assume that the "classic notion" of bipolarism is what everyone exhibits.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Shonc70 said:


> Yep, that's her alright.
> 
> Her normal pattern for previous episodes has been to first become extremely positive, very efficient and to try to organise the world...she will take on so many projects and be everywhere at once. This can appear deceptively normal.
> 
> ...


Very well done!!!! Don't know what to say other than 'well done'. By not letting yourself become victimized by her disease, you will make much clearer decisions about what is right for you. I have a friend who was married to a bipolar woman who went through multiple affairs, and although he divorced, he still cares and keeps in touch. He said that he learned to be a strong man through the episode, and even his current wife agrees.


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

What a horrible situation for you. I feel really sad for you to have to deal with this and sad for your wife. I am not sure she can really be held accountable for this. She is a victim as much as you are. Neither of you have anything to be embarrassed by - but this "healer" does. He is a quack and a scam artist to say the least.

It sounds like what this man did to your wife is similar to religious cult brainwashing. Your wife's disease makes her more susceptible to it. Have you told her doctors what happened and is she getting some "real" counseling for it? When this happens to cultist members they often have to go through a deprogramming process. 

The other aspect that no-one has brought up is what happens to the baby. This man should not be allowed anywhere near this baby, ever! 

I hope that what you said to the man is not a bluff. I think you should follow through on all avenues - especially the legal ones. What he did is criminal and if it's not illegal - it should be!
I hope you have some civil court remedies.

Good Luck!


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

mary35 said:


> I am not sure she can really be held accountable for this.


Wrong
You may have an accident with your car due to a medical condition but you still have to put up the deductible and the insurance goes up.
It's the same principal here



mary35 said:


> It sounds like what this man did to your wife is similar to religious cult brainwashing. Your wife's disease makes her more susceptible to it.


yes, and while I will not assess blame on the OP for this, this is the sort of stuff family and friends have to watch out for. 



mary35 said:


> Have you told her doctors what happened and is she getting some "real" counseling for it? When this happens to cultist members they often have to go through a deprogramming process.


agreed, though it may be of no help if the wife refuses to go and legally there's not much here that can be done to force her to do anything



mary35 said:


> The other aspect that no-one has brought up is what happens to the baby. This man should not be allowed anywhere near this baby, ever!


That depends
If the baby is OP's and he can come to R than I agree
If the baby is Cult dude's then he should be paying support, no ifs ands or buts, I further add that R will be EXTREMELY difficult in this scenario. That child (through no fault of his own) will be a constant reminder and trigger for OP. Despite the fact that OP is a very understanding and forgiving person, I don't think it is wise to be the child's father if it isn't his. There will be so much resentment that even if he tries his best the child will ultimately suffer for it.



mary35 said:


> I hope that what you said to the man is not a bluff. I think you should follow through on all avenues - especially the legal ones. What he did is criminal and if it's not illegal - it should be!
> I hope you have some civil court remedies.
> 
> Good Luck!


good luck proving it to be criminal, his wife is not declared to be mentally unfit and legally stills knows the difference between right and wrong.


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## southernmagnolia (Apr 12, 2011)

Shonc70 said:


> Halien, it is nice to know others have similar life experiences...In some ways I think you know exactly how I have been thinking.
> 
> I have been accused of overshadowing my own needs in the past, and I have always had hangups about my personal happiness and self worth.
> 
> ...


I'm sorry for what has happened to you and this healer has committed what would be considered malpractice if he had a license. Please see if there is any way you can go after him legally. 

Also the marriage you had is dead and gone, I'm sorry to say. You need to mourn it and decide what comes next.


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## rikithemonk (Jun 8, 2011)

Never trust religious leaders. They have been banging their congregations for centuries. I personally know two families who are rather close to me where the wives were caught having sex with their pastors. 

Sorry, but it sounds to me like you have a very tough decision to make.


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## useable (Aug 31, 2011)

man even if you harm him badly you are still not wrong ... and just leave your current wife. why stay with sick woman. let her be miserable never to love her.

this is a humiliation for you done by both of them.

if there is a spirit healer in this forum, hey come out and show yourself. spirit healer is evil form. i firm of this.


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## useable (Aug 31, 2011)

rikithemonk said:


> Never trust religious leaders. They have been banging their congregations for centuries. I personally know two families who are rather close to me where the wives were caught having sex with their pastors.
> 
> Sorry, but it sounds to me like you have a very tough decision to make.


and also never trust cheaters.

for example of the ******* religious leader, here it is below:

Reports of Benny Hinn and Paula White Affair (Pictures Included) | Slaughter of the Sheep


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## smartyblue (Jun 22, 2011)

To Shonc70:
Why did you "bluff" the healer? I am proud of you for staying calm on the phone. But why did you "bluff" and what parts of the conversation were bluffs? I am not a fan of lying. But I am sure you had a good reason for doing so.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Sounds like schizophrenia to me.

Difficult if not professionally, medically diagnosed.

A psychiatrist is the qualified doctor you need to evaluate her.

Whether or not you stay with her, she needs medical attention.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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