# Wife doesn’t know if she wants to stay with me



## Confusedhusband27 (1 mo ago)

I hope to get some advice,

I have been married 1 year & together 9 years, we met when we were 18 & things were amazing & fire couldn’t burn Brighter.
9 years later & things are hard, arguments over petty things, she’s unhappy with the way her life mainly that she’s not had the best of careers & furthermore.
I admit I’ve made bag mistakes never Cheated but made some mistakes, I went to a strip club over a year ago ( which i deeply regret but my wife which I thought had forgiven me has not & this plagues us now, we’ve had many conversations over it & I believed it was a thing of the past.
I have made changes in the past year & become a modern man & husband, I try to show as much affection without thought but I have been told it’s not enough & that I don’t give enough affection & show her that she’s wanted. We still cuddle & share the same bed so that gives me hope but when i say I love you, she doesn’t say it back atm.
I love my wife with all my heart & will do everything I can to fix this but it pains me to think she does not want me anymore.
I’ve written notes to her & am doing everything I can to show how much I want her & our future.

This all started around 5 days ago btw 


I just pray that things can work out.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

what exactly are you doing to become a 'modern man'? Writing letters begging her not to leave?


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

So around the time of your bachelor party / stag night you went to a strip club & your wife of 1 year who you have know for 9 years, decided 5 days ago that she's done? 

Good grief. She had 9 years to get the career she wanted. Being with you didn't have an impact on that. It's all on her (unless you pressured her into a particular course of action.) If you did change the trajectory of her career, do what is needed to get her back on track. 

She sounds pouty, selfish & immature. Get her to a Marriage Counselor. She needs to learn that marriage isn't the fairy tale. Every day is not roses & sunshine 24/7.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I think part of it is just that you guys have been together since you were really young. I don't know whether either one of you have really had a chance to see realistically what your choices are out there. 

You haven't mentioned children so I assume you don't have any. She may have some ideal in her head that she thinks she can attain. Of course that could just be a fairy tale. But she may have to find out. 

Can I ask what her plan is to get better employment so that she's at least happier in that way?


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## QuietGuy (Aug 31, 2021)

Could there be another man in the picture? Check her phone bill if you can.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

When a woman tells you she’s unhappy and wants to split, tell her not to let the door hit her in the arse on the way out—- even if you love her.
Why?
Because before they ever say that, their feelings have been gone a long time ago.
Because you holding on and acting like she’s some prize—- just robs you of your dignity, turns her off even more, and chasing a woman NEVER results in them getting “caught”. They just run faster as you’ve seen.

whether you want her gone or want her to stay, letting her go and moving YOUR life forward is always the way to go.

However, this advice is not what you want to hear and I’m rather certain it will fall in deaf ears.
Good luck. I’m sorry you’re here.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

What did you do at the strip club?


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Confusedhusband27 said:


> I hope to get some advice,
> 
> I have been married 1 year & together 9 years, we met when we were 18 & things were amazing & fire couldn’t burn Brighter.
> 9 years later & things are hard, arguments over petty things, she’s unhappy with the way her life mainly that she’s not had the best of careers & furthermore.
> ...


As hard as it is to hear, I agree with some that this has been decided in her head before now. You just weren’t aware of it. And even worse, when she shuts off emotions with you and doesn’t want to let you back in, it’s highly likely there is someone else in her orbit.

I would keep quiet, back off, don’t plead or beg or try to win her back. That is weak and pathetic, she will just continue to lose respect for you.

Rule out if there’s someone else by checking phone bill, monitoring activity, etc.

Hopefully there’s no one else and you can salvage this with real counseling. But you have to stop trying to be a “modern man” and start acting like a real husband.

How have things been over the last 9 years since the strip club incident? Any more of her boundaries get trampled on? How has your sex life been? Any changes there aside from the last 5 days?


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## ShatteredKat (Mar 23, 2016)

Evinrude said it first:


Evinrude58 said:


> When a woman tells you she’s unhappy and wants to split, tell her not to let the door hit her in the arse on the way out—- even if you love her.
> Why?
> Because before they ever say that, their feelings have been gone a long time ago.
> Because you holding on and acting like she’s some prize—- just robs you of your dignity, turns her off even more, and chasing a woman NEVER results in them getting “caught”. They just run faster as you’ve seen.
> ...


Adding - quite possible you two have 'grown up' such that the spark has been snuffed.
It is really hard for some folks to look at their life dispassionately and evaluate whether or not they are moving
along through life as they think they should. Sometimes self expectations are unreal.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Confusedhusband27 said:


> I hope to get some advice,
> ...
> I just pray that things can work out.


What's good about her? What are her virtues? When you say "our future", what is that? What's the vision? Children?

Never mind writing notes. Figure out what YOU want and where she fits in to that.

Then after that, maybe some marriage counselling.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Oh I’m so sorry to hear. This must be hard. 

What are the other big mistakes? 

Why hasn’t she been able to work? 

I might be wrong, your post reads frenzied and it sounds like you’re in trouble, am I totally wrong? Has there been something major recently and she’s given you a final warning?


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## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

You're getting a lot of good advice here, especially all of this.



Evinrude58 said:


> When a woman tells you she’s unhappy and wants to split, tell her not to let the door hit her in the arse on the way out—- even if you love her.
> Why?
> Because before they ever say that, their feelings have been gone a long time ago.
> Because you holding on and acting like she’s some prize—- just robs you of your dignity, turns her off even more, and chasing a woman NEVER results in them getting “caught”. They just run faster as you’ve seen.
> ...





QuietGuy said:


> Could there be another man in the picture? Check her phone bill if you can.


I'd follow this advice here. Speaking from experience. Ladies usually plan these things out carefully and have already talked it over with friends, etc. If she brought it up to you, she's probably already started her exit strategy plan, which sadly often includes another man. 

The best way to work on your marriage is to work on yourself. Hit the gym, eat healthier, expand your horizons a bit. Just doing what she wants you to do won't help. Be the best version of you and even if she walks away, she will want to come back. Trust me in this. By then, you might even not want her.


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## Jimi007 (5 mo ago)

Before trying to woooo her back , I would make sure there isn't some 3rd party interference. 

Check her phone and email to make sure your in the driver's seat.

Because if there is someone else , chances are , as some here have already stated , her mind is made up.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Jimi007 said:


> Before trying to woooo her back , I would make sure there isn't some 3rd party interference.
> 
> Check her phone and email to make sure your in the driver's seat.
> 
> Because if there is someone else , chances are , as some here have already stated , her mind is made up.


Or a 3rd part from his end? 🤔


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## Confusedhusband27 (1 mo ago)

D0nnivain said:


> So around the time of your bachelor party / stag night you went to a strip club & your wife of 1 year who you have know for 9 years, decided 5 days ago that she's done?
> 
> Good grief. She had 9 years to get the career she wanted. Being with you didn't have an impact on that. It's all on her (unless you pressured her into a particular course of action.) If you did change the trajectory of her career, do what is needed to get her back on track.
> 
> She sounds pouty, selfish & immature. Get her to a Marriage Counselor. She needs to learn that marriage isn't the fairy tale. Every day is not roses & sunshine 24/7.





D0nnivain said:


> So around the time of your bachelor party / stag night you went to a strip club & your wife of 1 year who you have know for 9 years, decided 5 days ago that she's done?
> 
> Good grief. She had 9 years to get the career she wanted. Being with you didn't have an impact on that. It's all on her (unless you pressured her into a particular course of action.) If you did change the trajectory of her career, do what is needed to get her back on track.
> 
> She sounds pouty, selfish & immature. Get her to a Marriage Counselor. She needs to learn that marriage isn't the fairy tale. Every day is not roses & sunshine 24/7.


I agree with job aspec


Enigma32 said:


> You're getting a lot of good advice here, especially all of this.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Honestly don’t know where to start with the replies, simply very overwhelmed by them.

I agree with many, by future I mean having children & so forth. The problem have been on & off since my past mistake & by many mistakes I times when I haven’t been honest & papered over the cracks. By feelings because of her depression also being like many have said not being the best version of myself.
Id like to think there isn’t someone else.
I know there isn’t on my side, as I wouldn’t do that as I love her.

i know there isn’t a book on this & no way is it always a fairy tale, it involves a lot to work but I am willing to do this but in no way will be making a mug of myself.
When things are good she is amazing & things are perfect & sex ect is great.


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## Confusedhusband27 (1 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I think part of it is just that you guys have been together since you were really young. I don't know whether either one of you have really had a chance to see realistically what your choices are out there.
> 
> You haven't mentioned children so I assume you don't have any. She may have some ideal in her head that she thinks she can attain. Of course that could just be a fairy tale. But she may have to find out.
> 
> Can I ask what her plan is to get better employment so that she's at least happier in that way?


No we don’t have any children, only a dog between us, with her job situation it’s always been whatever brings the money nothing that makes you want to get up in the morning, which has been struggle as I have tried to help giving ideas & supporting in every way even setting up a company that she had passion for & it didn’t work which broke her.
Sadly there doesn’t seem to be a plan, I have tried sending jobs ect but as a person I know like for myself you have to find your own happiness in life, same as with problems in life you have to find your own way through it.


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## Confusedhusband27 (1 mo ago)

Luckylucky said:


> Or a 3rd part from his end? 🤔


There’s no one else on my end & if it ever got to that, I wouldn’t be still married.


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## Confusedhusband27 (1 mo ago)

Enigma32 said:


> You're getting a lot of good advice here, especially all of this.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


You may be right there but I have spoken with her mum, as since I lost my mum. my mother in law has always been honest with me, not always takes her daughter side as she’s aware of her faults ( which of course we all have ) I know from speaking with her mum she doesn’t want leave but is just us genuinely unhappy. I’m aware one of the biggest mistake I’ve made is become a muppet of sorts as being doing everything I think she wants rather than my own which has led to this massively. I will take on board what you’ve said in regards to working on myself.


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## Confusedhusband27 (1 mo ago)

snowbum said:


> What did you do at the strip club?


 Sadly received a dance


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

One thing that MAY help you both -- get the book the 5 Love Languages -- it may help you figure out if you are both showing your love to your spouse the way that THEY perceive love.

For the job -- that's all on her. For her being "broken" by the company not working -- do you think she is depressed by any chance? She may want to see her Dr.

I do agree with the above -- you still have to live YOUR life -- be YOUR best self. She needs to own the responsibility on her issues yet she seems to be dumping it all on YOU as to why her life sucks.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

Get into counseling pronto. You both need some help.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Confusedhusband27 said:


> Sadly received a dance


Dude, that has nothing to do with your problem.
It was a crappy thing to do. But it’s not your problem. You’re your problem and your wife is her own problem.

you say you’re willing to do whatever it takes. That doesn’t matter AT ALL if SHE doesn’t feel the same way. Sadly, only one person wanting a divorce still means divorce.

chasing your wife——-I promise you with absolute metaphysical certitude—- will drive her farther away. Placating her, chasing her, groveling, pleading……. It hasn’t worked.

So logically, why not try the exact opposite?????


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## Mybabysgotit (Jul 1, 2019)

Confusedhusband27 said:


> I hope to get some advice,
> 
> I have been married 1 year & together 9 years, we met when we were 18 & things were amazing & fire couldn’t burn Brighter.
> 9 years later & things are hard, arguments over petty things, she’s unhappy with the way her life mainly that she’s not had the best of careers & furthermore.
> ...


Would you be surprised if none of the reasons you stated were the reasons your wife has one foot out the door? Start from there.


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## karmagoround (Aug 27, 2021)

snowbum said:


> What did you do at the strip club?


How much did he spend? That's the tell tale.


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## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

Confusedhusband27 said:


> There’s no one else on my end & if it ever got to that, I wouldn’t be still married.


I assume you are both in your 20s.
Back in the 1970s I got married, we were both 21 at the time.
7 years and 2 kids later my wife dumped me for a lover and I went through a horrendous divorce.
It wasn`t until many years later when I matured more and had more experience when I began to release what went wrong.
Money was tight, I was working long hours and my wife was a stop at home mum.
Although I was working on improving our lot my wife still being young didn`t fall into the domestic lifestyle too well, she wanted more and wanted it now so to speak. 
My wife probably felt she was stuck in a rut and being young became bored and unhappy, similar to how the situation appears to be with your wife.
I don`t believe your visit to that strip club has anything to do with your wife`s feelings and bad attitude towards you, what she is doing and will continue to do is try to find faults with you.
From my own experience this is an indicator that your wife is redrawing from the marriage and your relationship together.
One major reason why I believe getting into a relationship and married too young is a bad idea.
Regarding your wife, you should consider her as unpredictable at this time and could be likely to try and find solace elsewhere, so you need to be watchful of your wife and suspicious if something doesn`t feel right, red flags.
Trust me on this one.


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## Confusedhusband27 (1 mo ago)

T


gameopoly5 said:


> I assume you are both in your 20s.
> Back in the 1970s I got married, we were both 21 at the time.
> 7 years and 2 kids later my wife dumped me for a lover and I went through a horrendous divorce.
> It wasn`t until many years later when I matured more and had more experience when I began to release what went wrong.
> ...


Thanks for the advice mate & start to see a different view based on other people thoughts, I see the aspect of her being bored with her life & me, I have had quite traumatic life which has made me have a different out look on life & I know from losing parents that life is ever a bunch of roses & if you want to get on with you have to Fight but the hardest in my situation is that my wife is still wanting to share a bed with me, wants to cuddle & will kiss like everything okay? So I’ve got scrabbled head. I want to be able to as much possible to fix this & I am taking a few days away from her. In the hope it will do us both good but personally I cannot keep dealing with the unknown when all I want is to be the one I love?


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## Jamieboy (Jan 14, 2021)

It saddens me to see a young guy like this, you sound like you believe that she is the only girl you would ever get. Take her off the pedestal, she won't respect you for it, tell her you love her, and that you want a life with her, but if she doesn't feel the same, you understand and you will forge your own destiny away from her. Then act like it by putting yourself first.


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## BootsAndJeans (3 mo ago)

jlg07 said:


> One thing that MAY help you both -- get the book the 5 Love Languages -- it may help you figure out if you are both showing your love to your spouse the way that THEY perceive love. For the job -- that's all on her. For her being "broken" by the company not working -- do you think she is depressed by any chance? She may want to see her Dr. I do agree with the above -- you still have to live YOUR life -- be YOUR best self. She needs to own the responsibility on her issues yet she seems to be dumping it all on YOU as to why her life sucks.


^^^This^^^ good advice from @jlg07 

My wife and I also read "His Needs/Her Needs" together and did the exercises. Going on 40 years together. All marriages have points of stress in them, all. What matters is how you as a couple and as individuals deal with those stresses.


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## Confusedhusband27 (1 mo ago)

Al


Confusedhusband27 said:


> T
> 
> Thanks for the advice mate & start to see a different view based on other people thoughts, I see the aspect of her being bored with her life & me, I have had quite traumatic life which has made me have a different out look on life & I know from losing parents that life is ever a bunch of roses & if you want to get on with you have to Fight but the hardest in my situation is that my wife is still wanting to share a bed with me, wants to cuddle & will kiss like everything okay? So I’ve got scrabbled head. I want to be able to as much possible to fix this & I am taking a few days away from her. In the hope it will do us both good but personally I cannot keep dealing with the unknown when all I want is to be the one I love?


Apologies for the s


Jamieboy said:


> It saddens me to see a young guy like this, you sound like you believe that she is the only girl you would ever get. Take her off the pedestal, she won't respect you for it, tell her you love her, and that you want a life with her, but if she doesn't feel the same, you understand and you will forge your own destiny away from her. Then act like it by putting yourself first.


Appreciate that, will give it a few days including some silence on my behalf & will be approaching it similar way, I choose the life I live now I.e i didn’t mention. I moved the other side country for my wife not That I need a thanks for that sort of **** but moved my whole world to be with this person & that’s the gut wrenching feeling.


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## Confusedhusband27 (1 mo ago)

I have been considering some books & therapy for us both, so that noted on that suggestions, I know she’s depressed but have offered all the support possible, I have been there & tbf we’ve all been there and my opinion is the only way to get out of that hole is yourself.

I know deep down I haven’t lived because I’ve thought by trying to do what she wanted would help make her happy when in fact it’s does the opposite?


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## Confusedhusband27 (1 mo ago)

I have been considering some books & therapy for us both, so that noted on that suggestions, I know she’s depressed but have offered all the support possible, I have been there & tbf we’ve all been there and my opinion is the only way to get out of that hole is yourself.

I know deep down I haven’t lived because I’ve thought by trying to do what she wanted would help make her happy when in fact it’s does the opposite?


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