# What time you expect your spouse to be home after social time



## LexusNexus

Most of us work. Some people work from 8-5 some people until 7.30pm. If you are in committed relationship and you have a child, you don't have trust issue and your spouse wants to go out with friends. What do you think is reasonable time for your spouse to come home? And how often? So you both feel comfortable.


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## scione

9pm and no later than 10pm. Once a week as a maximum.


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## CH

Some on the board would say anytime when the fun was over because they're just blowing off steam and no harm, no foul. I see this becoming another girls/guys night out issue lol.


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## scione

In my opinion, GNO is ok as long as all of them are married. The problem is when a married person starts hanging out with the singles, that's when all the crazy **** happen


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## I'mAllIn

If no trust issues or anything like that then I've never given H a curfew or vice versa. Seems like something we'd do for our teenager and not each other. We also don't limit how often. More important to me is that he always invites me along. Sometimes I go, usually not. He also tells me honestly when he expects to be home, if it's just drinks after work and he'll be home by 8:00 or friends in from out of town, might close down the bars. Then he calls if plans change. 
I think it's important to maintain outside friends and interests so I don't think I would make a big deal of it until/unless it started to get out of hand.


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## COGypsy

cheatinghubby said:


> Some on the board would say anytime when the fun was over because they're just blowing off steam and no harm, no foul. I see this becoming another girls/guys night out issue lol.


I'm guessing you're right! 

There are a couple of curfew threads in the Family and Parenting Forum that you could always check out too....


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## Hope1964

scione said:


> In my opinion, GNO is ok as long as all of them are married. The problem is when a married person starts hanging out with the singles, that's when all the crazy **** happen


Ha - you've obviously never been out with a bunch of married women.


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## deejov

LexusNexus said:


> Most of us work. Some people work from 8-5 some people until 7.30pm. If you are in committed relationship and you have a child, you don't have trust issue and your spouse wants to go out with friends. What do you think is reasonable time for your spouse to come home? And how often? So you both feel comfortable.


Early enough that your spouse does not question it.

Frequency? They are glad you are going out is good.

They are questioning it on a forum... too often. Just cuz your friends do it doesn't mean you should. Make all the plans in the world, but gauge the environment at home before you step out the door. If your spouse had a bad day or wants to talk about something, break your plans.


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## LexusNexus

I know the importance of social life. I trust my wife, but I think she goes over the limit. She works untill 7.30pm. By the time she leaves work it's about 8 pm. She doesnt get home until 12 or 12.30am. At the same time she text every 1-2 hours and tell me she is on her way. She does it 3 times a month.


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## omega

We don't have children but my husband would go out until 3am sometimes without me before we moved to the city. I was always invited but my days of partying into the small hours are behind me - I just don't enjoy that anymore. I'd rather sleep! I would be lying if I said I loved it though. It was never more than once every 2 months, and he was with friends I knew, and we lived in a TINY town where we knew everyone, and he was on foot, so it was pretty much the least threatening situation, but I still didn't love it. I kept that to myself though, since it's not his fault that I'm a boring stick in the mud who can't stay up late. 

Now that we live in a real city... he hasn't gone out in the evening without me (except to play sports and he is home before dinner) yet... I hope he doesn't decide to start. I would say 1 or 2am as a cutoff for how late I would find acceptable. We don't have kids and we live in a country where dinner is usually around 11:00pm so we're used to things running a little later than in the US.


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## TheLostSheep

Going out 3 times a month until midnight would be no issue for me whatsoever (hell, I do that, easily).

Just my two cents but this seems like nothing, especially if you're young and live in a major metro.


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## I'mAllIn

TheLostSheep said:


> Going out 3 times a month until midnight would be no issue for me whatsoever (hell, I do that, easily).
> 
> Just my two cents but this seems like nothing, especially if you're young and live in a major metro.


I have to agree. Three times a month doesn't seem like a lot to me. Especially if when home he's doing his part with the kids and things and if you're allowed your time out as well.


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## FirstYearDown

My husband rarely goes out, so I don't give him a hard time for staying out late. 

As long as I have some idea of when my husband will be home, I don't have any issues.

I like what I'mAllIn has to say about this.


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## tacoma

My spouse doesn`t have a curfew.

We communicate.


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## SockPuppet

Assuming no trust issues, I would ask wifey when she was going to be back, and if I had a problem with the time, I would discuss with her. If I knew Alcohol was to be involved I would take into account that she may lose track of time, or simply forget, and that would be okay with me, but this would also be conversed.

Ultimately it is up to both spouses to communicate effectively and come to a mutually acceptable time *before* the outing.


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## expatforlife

My spouse hardly goes out and he doesn't drink. So when he does go out there isn't a express plan. He always calls when needed. I wouldn't mind a few times a month, we are just homebodies.


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## christinadanderson

I wouldn't expect him to come home at a certain time. That screams that you don't trust him. If you both love each other both should be let out once in a while with the friends.


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## that_girl

Hubs goes out Sunday mornings sometimes for a canyon run (with his car and his buddies with their fast cars) and he's home by 10am.

When he goes out with friends (Maybe once a month) he comes in around 1 or 2am. Just like I do when I'm out with friends.

But we have a deal to come home for dinner, kids' bedtimes, etc...then we go out around 8:30-9pm.


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## that_girl

scione said:


> In my opinion, GNO is ok as long as all of them are married. The problem is when a married person starts hanging out with the singles, that's when all the crazy **** happen


All my friends are single (that live near me) and nothing crazy happens on GKO. Depends on the people. We are clubbers...more like, winos and movie-ers.


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## hunter_aussie

I don't think relationships are about telling somebody what they can and can't do. Some people are happy for their partners to go out multiple times a week, other don't want them out at all.
It's all about compromise - communicating what each expects and meeting in the middle. It's whatever makes each partner happy. Don't judge your relationship and expectations based on others and what you think it should be like. Just what you both want.
As long as there's respect and compromise, I don't believe in "letting" your partner do something, giving them a "curfew". I used to try that - it didn't work. When I showed respect for my husband as a man and not something I got to control, I got respect back.
We share our lives wih each other and our kids, but we are individuals too. Everybody's needs are different.


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## jnj express

Hey LexNex------Your wife does realize she is married right

If she needs to unwind with co-workers, then one drink, and she comes home, and that whole thing should have her home by 9 p m

As to going out with her friends----starting at 8 p m, no more than once a month at that time, and DEMAND she stay out of bars, nightclubs---if they go out---its to a dinner house, movie, sporting events, theatre, hobby, things like that---if she wants to see her GF's, a couple more times, it should start earlier, or even in the daytime, and do those same things

A married woman, should not be on her OWN at bars, dancehalls, nightclubs, stripjoints, even with her married friends----they are all putting themselves AT RISK, and IN HARMS WAY---they are gonna get hit on, and everyone on this thread knows it

Alcohol, is gonna lower her inhibitions, and if she really wants to do something, she can just lie to her friends, have her little sexcapade, and you will never know it happened----and please KNOW ONE TRY TO DENY IT, CUZ IT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME---STATISTICS BEAR IT OUT!!!!!!


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## hunter_aussie

jnj express said:


> Hey LexNex------Your wife does realize she is married right
> 
> If she needs to unwind with co-workers, then one drink, and she comes home, and that whole thing should have her home by 9 p m
> 
> As to going out with her friends----starting at 8 p m, no more than once a month at that time, and DEMAND she stay out of bars, nightclubs---if they go out---its to a dinner house, movie, sporting events, theatre, hobby, things like that---if she wants to see her GF's, a couple more times, it should start earlier, or even in the daytime, and do those same things
> 
> A married woman, should not be on her OWN at bars, dancehalls, nightclubs, stripjoints, even with her married friends----they are all putting themselves AT RISK, and IN HARMS WAY---they are gonna get hit on, and everyone on this thread knows it
> 
> Alcohol, is gonna lower her inhibitions, and if she really wants to do something, she can just lie to her friends, have her little sexcapade, and you will never know it happened----and please KNOW ONE TRY TO DENY IT, CUZ IT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME---STATISTICS BEAR IT OUT!!!!!!


It is different if women go out on their own to some degree, and nightclubs and general known pickup places don't make anyone comfortable.
But this crap about only being allowed to go for an hour, all over by 9pm, only once a month, and demanding where she can and can't go - crap. It's all fair to express what you want, but you can't put limits on your partner like that or you're ultimately trying to control their life and that's not your right. That will just cause resentment. Once your feelings are explained, she should come to this decision by herself, and hopefully it's the right one that's comfortable for your relationship.
What happens if she's an hour over curfew? She gets in trouble?
I have no trouble with men being the man of the house - but there's a difference between being a leader and a dictator.


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## scione

Hope1964 said:


> Ha - you've obviously never been out with a bunch of married women.


Yeah, no man does.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

I'm so glad my hubby rarely goes out. He'd rather spend his time with us. On the very rare occasions he goes out(weekends), he is home by 11pm. Usually he goes out with one friend to watch a band play near our house. 

My ex husband would go out several nights a week, including weekends. He would stay out much later and wouldn't usually return home until 3:30-5:30am. He was very unfaithful and had several PA's.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## scione

that_girl said:


> All my friends are single (that live near me) and nothing crazy happens on GKO. Depends on the people. We are clubbers...more like, winos and movie-ers.


What a boring life? Just kidding. Obviously you've never met my wife's friends. All they do when they go out is ... Clubbing. It's like a necessity when they go out. They can't just have a nice dinner and a movie. I actually think they will literally die if they don't go to club. It's the attention they get from men. But anyway, that's just the sad sad life of scione.


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## Entropy3000

hunter_aussie said:


> It is different if women go out on their own to some degree, and nightclubs and general known pickup places don't make anyone comfortable.
> But this crap about only being allowed to go for an hour, all over by 9pm, only once a month, and demanding where she can and can't go - crap. It's all fair to express what you want, but you can't put limits on your partner like that or you're ultimately trying to control their life and that's not your right. That will just cause resentment. Once your feelings are explained, she should come to this decision by herself, and hopefully it's the right one that's comfortable for your relationship.
> What happens if she's an hour over curfew? She gets in trouble?
> I have no trouble with men being the man of the house - but there's a difference between being a leader and a dictator.


Not picking on your post mostly leveraging it.

I never have to hassle with my wife over this stuff. If I did however she would not be my wife. So I am controlling of who I choose to be my wife. What the GNO is matters the most. If my wife were interested in getting drunk and going on the prowl to get attention from other men I would drop her like a skank. Yes I love her with all my heart but she deserves a husband who she can respect. That type of behavior is disrespectful and unfaithful.

It comes down to boundaries. Yes, boundaries are pre-defined limitations. That is why I suggest people do the His Needs Her Needs together. That they discuss, define and agree to boundaries.

Essentially I believe that couple time should be the #1 priority in scheduling time. That comes ahead of friends, hobbys whatever. Sure there are reasons to chanhge a schedule, but the default is to honor the couple time. If couple time is pre-empted by some other need / event then it should be made up very quickly. Selfish? You bet. My wife and I are worth it.

This said, it is common for marriages to go through times where there are new friends with new interests and one partner or the other can get involved in activities with these friends. The friends may turn out to not be so marriage friendly. Some women in particular look to their husbands to do the objecting. You see it all the time on these forums where a woman will justify her risky behavior because she says her hubby is ok with it and then goes on to talk about aspects of that behavior that he does not know about. He trusts her 100%. Again I say 100% trust in your partner at all times and under all conditions is both lazy and naive. A marriage takes work and one has to look out for your lover, your best friend and wife. Hopefully they are one in the same person. Mature adults know from experience that mature adults can make childish decisions if the conditions are just right. While my comments are from a husbands perspective ... me ... it all works both ways. The nature of things however makes women the target of predators in this clubbing scene.

There are times to compromise and times to not do so. One does not compromise their fundamental boundaries. One who does that lacks integrity. If compromise means continued negotiation to help the other spouse remain faithful then no thank you. I know I deserve better.


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## Entropy3000

that_girl said:


> All my friends are single (that live near me) and nothing crazy happens on GKO. Depends on the people. We are clubbers...more like, winos and movie-ers.


G K O !?

Girls Knights Out ... Wow! What could that be about?


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## southern wife

Entropy3000 said:


> G K O !?
> 
> Girls Knights Out ... Wow! What could that be about?


:lol: :lol: :lol: 

Sounds interesting to me!!!!


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## that_girl

jnj express said:


> Hey LexNex------Your wife does realize she is married right
> 
> If she needs to unwind with co-workers, then one drink, and she comes home, and that whole thing should have her home by 9 p m
> 
> As to going out with her friends----starting at 8 p m, no more than once a month at that time, and DEMAND she stay out of bars, nightclubs---if they go out---its to a dinner house, movie, sporting events, theatre, hobby, things like that---if she wants to see her GF's, a couple more times, it should start earlier, or even in the daytime, and do those same things
> 
> A married woman, should not be on her OWN at bars, dancehalls, nightclubs, stripjoints, even with her married friends----they are all putting themselves AT RISK, and IN HARMS WAY---they are gonna get hit on, and everyone on this thread knows it
> 
> Alcohol, is gonna lower her inhibitions, and if she really wants to do something, she can just lie to her friends, have her little sexcapade, and you will never know it happened----and please KNOW ONE TRY TO DENY IT, CUZ IT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME---STATISTICS BEAR IT OUT!!!!!!


I don't get hit on. lol.  Not that I mind because I'm not looking but...i can go out alone and no one will approach. I guess I give off that "b1tch vibe" :rofl:


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## that_girl

Entropy3000 said:


> G K O !?
> 
> Girls Knights Out ... Wow! What could that be about?


:rofl::rofl::rofl:

Benedryl. It's my drug of choice right now and MAN does my typing get interesting.


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## that_girl

scione said:


> What a boring life? Just kidding. Obviously you've never met my wife's friends. All they do when they go out is ... Clubbing. It's like a necessity when they go out. They can't just have a nice dinner and a movie. I actually think they will literally die if they don't go to club. It's the attention they get from men. But anyway, that's just the sad sad life of scione.


Yea, I never had anything in common with women like that. My friends and I aren't attention wh0res.


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## LexusNexus

that_girl said:


> Hubs goes out Sunday mornings sometimes for a canyon run (with his car and his buddies with their fast cars) and he's home by 10am.
> 
> When he goes out with friends (Maybe once a month) he comes in around 1 or 2am. Just like I do when I'm out with friends.
> 
> But we have a deal to come home for dinner, kids' bedtimes, etc...then we go out around 8:30-9pm.


I remember those days, Old Topanga Road, Mullholand, Angel Crest Highway, Streets of Willow


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## LexusNexus

jnj express said:


> Hey LexNex------Your wife does realize she is married right
> 
> If she needs to unwind with co-workers, then one drink, and she comes home, and that whole thing should have her home by 9 p m
> 
> As to going out with her friends----starting at 8 p m, no more than once a month at that time, and DEMAND she stay out of bars, nightclubs---if they go out---its to a dinner house, movie, sporting events, theatre, hobby, things like that---if she wants to see her GF's, a couple more times, it should start earlier, or even in the daytime, and do those same things
> 
> A married woman, should not be on her OWN at bars, dancehalls, nightclubs, stripjoints, even with her married
> friends----they are all putting themselves AT RISK, and IN HARMS WAY---they are gonna get hit on, and everyone on this
> thread knows it
> 
> Thats exactly what I said, and she stoped. Now she feels like I want to control her. I dont have problem with her going out but she needs to realize most of her co-workers single with no kids.
> 
> Alcohol, is gonna lower her inhibitions, and if she really wants to do something, she can just lie to her friends, have her little sexcapade, and you will never know it happened----and please KNOW ONE TRY TO DENY IT, CUZ IT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME---STATISTICS BEAR IT OUT!!!!!!


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## LexusNexus

hunter_aussie said:


> It is different if women go out on their own to some degree, and nightclubs and general known pickup places don't make anyone comfortable.
> But this crap about only being allowed to go for an hour, all over by 9pm, only once a month, and demanding where she can and can't go - crap. It's all fair to express what you want, but you can't put limits on your partner like that or you're ultimately trying to control their life and that's not your right. That will just cause resentment. Once your feelings are explained, she should come to this decision by herself, and hopefully it's the right one that's comfortable for your relationship.
> What happens if she's an hour over curfew? She gets in trouble?
> I have no trouble with men being the man of the house - but there's a difference between being a leader and a dictator.


Its not about control its about like you said earlier compromise. Nobody wants to be controled, and the last I want to do control
control my wife.


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## Runs like Dog

If you come home at the crack of walk of shame at least have the good manners not to wake me up and/or take the dogs out.


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## LexusNexus

Entropy3000 said:


> Not picking on your post mostly leveraging it.
> 
> I never have to hassle with my wife over this stuff. If I did however she would not be my wife. So I am controlling of who I choose to be my wife. What the GNO is matters the most. If my wife were interested in getting drunk and going on the prowl to get attention from other men I would drop her like a skank. Yes I love her with all my heart but she deserves a husband who she can respect. That type of behavior is disrespectful and unfaithful.
> 
> It comes down to boundaries. Yes, boundaries are pre-defined limitations. That is why I suggest people do the His Needs Her Needs together. That they discuss, define and agree to boundaries.
> 
> Essentially I believe that couple time should be the #1 priority in scheduling time. That comes ahead of friends, hobbys whatever. Sure there are reasons to chanhge a schedule, but the default is to honor the couple time. If couple time is pre-empted by some other need / event then it should be made up very quickly. Selfish? You bet. My wife and I are worth it.
> 
> This said, it is common for marriages to go through times where there are new friends with new interests and one partner or the other can get involved in activities with these friends. The friends may turn out to not be so marriage friendly. Some women in particular look to their husbands to do the objecting. You see it all the time on these forums where a woman will justify her risky behavior because she says her hubby is ok with it and then goes on to talk about aspects of that behavior that he does not know about. He trusts her 100%. Again I say 100% trust in your partner at all times and under all conditions is both lazy and naive. A marriage takes work and one has to look out for your lover, your best friend and wife. Hopefully they are one in the same person. Mature adults know from experience that mature adults can make childish decisions if the conditions are just right. While my comments are from a husbands perspective ... me ... it all works both ways. The nature of things however makes women the target of predators in this clubbing scene.
> 
> There are times to compromise and times to not do so. One does not compromise their fundamental boundaries. One who does that lacks integrity. If compromise means continued negotiation to help the other spouse remain faithful then no thank you. I know I deserve better.


The problem with my wife I think she is going thru pre-midlife chrisis. She is 29. We have everything in life, and I think she got bored. I am always firm on my decisions, and she knows that. Like you said I gave her book His Needs Her Needs, after she finish reading this book she said it is all about your needs. I said really? What is your needs? I said I understand the importance of social life, but there is a difference between social life and night life.


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## LexusNexus

Runs like Dog said:


> If you come home at the crack of walk of shame at least have the good manners not to wake me up and/or take the dogs out.


Thats exacly what she does, we have a Boxer so she opens a door and start playing with the dog.


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## that_girl

LexusNexus said:


> I remember those days, Old Topanga Road, Mullholand, Angel Crest Highway, Streets of Willow


YES! We do these with the kids on Sunday afternoons now...but when he wants to really go fast, he goes with his little car group in the morning.
He used to take his motorcycle, but those roads are crazy stupid with drivers. 

All of those roads above are well loved by this family :smthumbup:

And Willow...do you mean Willowsprings? Button Willow? Good tracks


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## Entropy3000

LexusNexus said:


> The problem with my wife I think she is going thru pre-midlife chrisis. She is 29. We have everything in life, and I think she got bored. I am always firm on my decisions, and she knows that. Like you said I gave her book His Needs Her Needs, after she finish reading this book she said it is all about your needs. I said really? What is your needs? I said I understand the importance of social life, but there is a difference between social life and night life.


The key to HNHN is doing it together. I mean reading and discussing it. Did you both do the needs questionaire and prioritize them? Did you do the boundary stuff? 

Then there are folks who flat are selfish and just want to do things the way they want.


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## scione

LexusNexus said:


> The problem with my wife I think she is going thru pre-midlife chrisis. She is 29. We have everything in life, and I think she got bored. I am always firm on my decisions, and she knows that. Like you said I gave her book His Needs Her Needs, after she finish reading this book she said it is all about your needs. I said really? What is your needs? I said I understand the importance of social life, but there is a difference between social life and night life.


Your wife is the same age as my wife and she said exactly the same thing your wife said. And I said the exact same thing you said to her. You'll never win. If she wants to go out, she'll go out. You can only tell her how you feel about her going out. She'll decide if she wants to stop or just keep doing what she's doing.

You need to be the alpha male and not let her walk all over you. If she does her thing, then you'll do your thing. Make her miss you, because you will not be there for her if she's not there for you.


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## Entropy3000

No boundaries. Not willing to discuss them. No consequences. Why change?

So again the real boundaries are really about your boundaries. What are your boundaries as it pertains to your wife's activities? Since everything is so relative and she is unwilling to discuss boundaries it runs the gamut of reasonable behavior to living in an open marriage. 

So where are your boundaries?

Are you ok with not knowing her boundaries? Having agreed upon boundaries are generally stronger than one choosing boundaries by shooting from the hip. Letting boundaries be determined by the actions taking place is not really a boundary. That leads to if it feels good it is ok. So the biggest red flag is that your guys cannot discuss this. Who knows who is being unreasonable but pretty much you have been put on notice that you are not one of her top needs. So are you ok with that?


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## CH

scione said:


> You need to be the alpha male and not let her walk all over you. If she does her thing, then you'll do your thing. Make her miss you, because you will not be there for her if she's not there for you.


Then why stay married? If you cheat, I cheat. If you party, I party, if you get drunk and be stupid and jump off a bridge, I'm gonna drink get stupid and jump off a bridge also.

That's not being an alpha male, that's just getting back at the other person for what they're doing.

If you're not happy, lay down the rules and tell her what you expect and then if you're both adults you can come up with a compromise.

BTW OP, does your wife ever invite you along with the group at all? If she does then take her up on it and go out with your wife and see what's really happening. You can easily gauge if there is anything inappropriate going on in one outing.

Now if she has banned you from going out with her then I would probably have to lay down the long arm of the law on that.


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## Entropy3000

cheatinghubby said:


> Then why stay married? If you cheat, I cheat. If you party, I party, if you get drunk and be stupid and jump off a bridge, I'm gonna drink get stupid and jump off a bridge also.
> 
> That's not being an alpha male, that's just getting back at the other person for what they're doing.
> 
> If you're not happy, lay down the rules and tell her what you expect and then if you're both adults you can come up with a compromise.
> 
> BTW OP, does your wife ever invite you along with the group at all? If she does then take her up on it and go out with your wife and see what's really happening. You can easily gauge if there is anything inappropriate going on in one outing.
> 
> Now if she has banned you from going out with her then I would probably have to lay down the long arm of the law on that.


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## jnj express

Hey LexNex---I used to drive all the curves on Mulhulland, from Hollywood, to the other end of the valley and beyond---good times, cept when the cops got us for racing our vehicles in those curves

No one is saying your spouse cannot go out on their own---but why does a spouse get married, if they are gonna go out to bars, and places where they can get hit on

A spouse DOES HAVE A RESPONSIBILITY TO THEIR FAMILY TO COME HOME AT A REASONABLE HOUR AND BE PART OF THAT FAMILY----You don't like those ideas stay the he*l away from being married

As has been said---it's all about what you put your spouse and family thru, and going out drinking more than once a week, and for more than one drink, VIOLATES THE BOUNDARIES OF MGE.

If you take your vows, then act like a spouse, and spend MOST of your time with your family---that's just the way it is----it's because spouses, wanna play that D. stats are so high

Your either married or your single---has nothing to do with control---has to do with being a proper married partner, and member of a family.


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## CH

Before my wife started working for the family business she would have GNO with co-workers once every other week. I was never interested in going and they always were done by 9 or 10Pm. She always asked me to go, so I went once. Let's just say I would rather put a bullet in my head then ever go again.

5 ladies eating at TGIF and complaining about work, kids and life = a husband who went and sat at the bar by himself so that I wouldn't go postal in the restaurant.

Now, if they had gone to a bar/club and my wife got drunk and proceeded to flirt with any and all guys in the place then I probably would have ended her GNO then and there.

Go out with your wife and that'll probably help you decide on what you want to do next.


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## LexusNexus

that_girl said:


> YES! We do these with the kids on Sunday afternoons now...but when he wants to really go fast, he goes with his little car group in the morning.
> He used to take his motorcycle, but those roads are crazy stupid with drivers.
> 
> All of those roads above are well loved by this family :smthumbup:
> 
> And Willow...do you mean Willowsprings? Button Willow? Good tracks


Yes I meant Willowsprings, and Button Willow, havent been there in a while so forgot how to spell.


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## scione

cheatinghubby said:


> Then why stay married? If you cheat, I cheat. If you party, I party, if you get drunk and be stupid and jump off a bridge, I'm gonna drink get stupid and jump off a bridge also.
> 
> That's not being an alpha male, that's just getting back at the other person for what they're doing.
> 
> If you're not happy, lay down the rules and tell her what you expect and then if you're both adults you can come up with a compromise.
> 
> BTW OP, does your wife ever invite you along with the group at all? If she does then take her up on it and go out with your wife and see what's really happening. You can easily gauge if there is anything inappropriate going on in one outing.
> 
> Now if she has banned you from going out with her then I would probably have to lay down the long arm of the law on that.


I think I specifically stated "If she does her thing, then you'll do your thing." How does doing your thing means doing her thing? And I thought my English was bad.

It's not for getting back at the person. It's for taking care of oneself. I'm just saying don't be a doormat.


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## LexusNexus

Entropy3000 said:


> No boundaries. Not willing to discuss them. No consequences. Why change?
> 
> So again the real boundaries are really about your boundaries. What are your boundaries as it pertains to your wife's activities? Since everything is so relative and she is unwilling to discuss boundaries it runs the gamut of reasonable behavior to living in an open marriage.
> 
> So where are your boundaries?
> 
> Are you ok with not knowing her boundaries? Having agreed upon boundaries are generally stronger than one choosing boundaries by shooting from the hip. Letting boundaries be determined by the actions taking place is not really a boundary. That leads to if it feels good it is ok. So the biggest red flag is that your guys cannot discuss this. Who knows who is being unreasonable but pretty much you have been put on notice that you are not one of her top needs. So are you ok with that?


Yes I am reding 5 languages of love and we will do questionnaire together. I am Alpha male, always was and always will be. The biggest problem we are facing now she cannot tell the difference between boundaries and control. She knows my boundaries. My wife does not know how to compromize. I dont want to control her. So when I told her you cannot go out until 1am, she said whats the purpose of going out at all. So she stoped. I said lets find reasonable time so we both feel confident. I said you can go during a day, or stay until 10-11pm. She said I feel like I am being controled. Nobody can change the way she feels.


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## LexusNexus

scione said:


> Your wife is the same age as my wife and she said exactly the same thing your wife said. And I said the exact same thing you said to her. You'll never win. If she wants to go out, she'll go out. You can only tell her how you feel about her going out. She'll decide if she wants to stop or just keep doing what she's doing.
> 
> You need to be the alpha male and not let her walk all over you. If she does her thing, then you'll do your thing. Make her miss you, because you will not be there for her if she's not there for you.


Its not about keeping score, its about finding balance. What work for some couples might not work for other.


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## LexusNexus

cheatinghubby said:


> Then why stay married? If you cheat, I cheat. If you party, I party, if you get drunk and be stupid and jump off a bridge, I'm gonna drink get stupid and jump off a bridge also.
> 
> That's not being an alpha male, that's just getting back at the other person for what they're doing.
> 
> If you're not happy, lay down the rules and tell her what you expect and then if you're both adults you can come up with a compromise.
> 
> BTW OP, does your wife ever invite you along with the group at all? If she does then take her up on it and go out with your wife and see what's really happening. You can easily gauge if there is anything inappropriate going on in one outing.
> 
> Now if she has banned you from going out with her then I would probably have to lay down the long arm of the law on that.


Thats where I made a big mistake, I know the people very well. I was the one that refused to go. Instead I went out with my friends. Also go out together is a little bit complicated, because we have a baby. But like I said its about finding the balance so both people can be happy.


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## Entropy3000

LexusNexus said:


> Yes I am reding 5 languages of love and we will do questionnaire together. I am Alpha male, always was and always will be. The biggest problem we are facing now she cannot tell the difference between boundaries and control. She knows my boundaries. My wife does not know how to compromize. I dont want to control her. So when I told her you cannot go out until 1am, she said whats the purpose of going out at all. So she stoped. I said lets find reasonable time so we both feel confident. I said you can go during a day, or stay until 10-11pm. She said I feel like I am being controled. Nobody can change the way she feels.


Women especially must talk about being controlled because it comes up all of the time. So many men just back down because heaven forbid that they should be labeled as controlling. That is worse than a wife being unfaithful. The stigma seems paralyzing.

We do not control one another. We hopefully can influence one another. But to say that there should not be boundaries because one isbeing controlled is a bit contrived IMHO. 

That said what she is really saying is that she does not want to agree to that boundary. Some will do that to delay and hopefully foregi the boundary in this area. The best way of ciourse is to forego that activity altogether until a boundary is agreed upon. That works the other way. 

Only she can decide how she is going to feel. But this seems a tad immature or it is someone who is just yearning for additional freedoms that may or may not be single behavior. Let's assume for the sake of discussion that there is nothing illicit or sinister in her motives.

You may have covered this but what exactly are they doing in these GNOs that they have to be out past 1am? How often are they? Are they getting drunk? Are they just hanging out at each other homes? Are they clubbing? It matters. Are the folks she hangs out with marriage freindly friends or is she getting pressured to push her boundaries / limits?

I consider my wife's GNOs to be marriage freindly. Often that are luncheon dates with her group for girl friends and not at night at all.


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## scione

LexusNexus said:


> Its not about keeping score, its about finding balance. What work for some couples might not work for other.


True, it's not about keeping the score. But does she know how you feel? She doesn't understand you, she won't compromise, and she's pulling the controlling card. You already talk to her and she won't listen. You said nobody can change the way she feels. That is true. And nobody can change how she goes out, too. Sorry, I'm too emotionally connected to this subject. I'll stop.


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## LexusNexus

jnj express said:


> Hey LexNex---I used to drive all the curves on Mulhulland, from Hollywood, to the other end of the valley and beyond---good times, cept when the cops got us for racing our vehicles in those curves
> 
> No one is saying your spouse cannot go out on their own---but why does a spouse get married, if they are gonna go out to bars, and places where they can get hit on
> 
> A spouse DOES HAVE A RESPONSIBILITY TO THEIR FAMILY TO COME HOME AT A REASONABLE HOUR AND BE PART OF THAT FAMILY----You don't like those ideas stay the he*l away from being married
> 
> As has been said---it's all about what you put your spouse and family thru, and going out drinking more than once a week, and for more than one drink, VIOLATES THE BOUNDARIES OF MGE.
> 
> If you take your vows, then act like a spouse, and spend MOST of your time with your family---that's just the way it is----it's because spouses, wanna play that D. stats are so high
> 
> Your either married or your single---has nothing to do with control---has to do with being a proper married partner, and member of a family.


Those racing days are over I had Dinan supercharged BMW E39 M5, then Porsche GT twin turbo, now I am married guy with SUV.

She knows how I feel, the biggest problem with my wife she came from one sheltered relationship to another. Meaning from her dad to me. Now she feels like she is being controled. So we are working on finding what's best for us.


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## LexusNexus

Entropy3000 said:


> Women especially must talk about being controlled because it comes up all of the time. So many men just back down because heaven forbid that they should be labeled as controlling. That is worse than a wife being unfaithful. The stigma seems paralyzing.
> 
> We do not control one another. We hopefully can influence one another. But to say that there should not be boundaries because one isbeing controlled is a bit contrived IMHO.
> 
> That said what she is really saying is that she does not want to agree to that boundary. Some will do that to delay and hopefully foregi the boundary in this area. The best way of ciourse is to forego that activity altogether until a boundary is agreed upon. That works the other way.
> 
> Only she can decide how she is going to feel. But this seems a tad immature or it is someone who is just yearning for additional freedoms that may or may not be single behavior. Let's assume for the sake of discussion that there is nothing illicit or sinister in her motives.
> 
> You may have covered this but what exactly are they doing in these GNOs that they have to be out past 1am? How often are they? Are they getting drunk? Are they just hanging out at each other homes? Are they clubbing? It matters.
> 
> I consider my wife's GNOs to be marriage freindly. Often that are luncheon dates with her group for girl friends and not at night at all.


Thats why my relationship is the mess right now I dont know what to do, she knows how I feel, the biggest problem with my wife she came from one sheltered relationship to another. She only been with me. She came from one warm hands(her dad) to another (ME). She doesnt know how harsh the life could be, and she doesnt know people intention like I do. When she goes out its usualy after work 3-5 people, bar, lounge.


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## Entropy3000

LexusNexus said:


> Thats where I made a big mistake, I know the people very well. I was the one that refused to go. Instead I went out with my friends. Also go out together is a little bit complicated, because we have a baby. But like I said its about finding the balance so both people can be happy.


When a couple has to go out separately and never together because of the baby this this gets pretty serious pretty quick. Maybe this is a contributing factor with so many marriages breaking up after they have had one to three kids in succession.

The couple need that together time. By only getting away from the situation going out with other people one reinforces in their brain that fun is sans baby and husband. Not good. Works both ways.

So the couple stops meeting each others needs and that leaves a void that can be filled by others IF there are not good boundaries.


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## Entropy3000

LexusNexus said:


> Thats why my relationship is the mess right now I dont know what to do, she knows how I feel, the biggest problem with my wife she came from one sheltered relationship to another. She only been with me. She came from one warm hands(her dad) to another (ME). She doesnt know how harsh the life could be, and she doesnt know people intention like I do. When she goes out its usualy after work 3-5 people, bar, lounge.


So assuming these are work buddies including men. She works kinda late as I recall. She does this every day? Weekly? Less often?

So while it is not about my boundaries I would just say that to me an occasional drink or two is one thing, but this is not a GNO if men are involved. I would think an hour or two every other week or so have a couple of drinks is one thing but doing this more often than say weekly for several hours hanging out with men drinking is asking for big trouble. She is getting needs met by other men. You guys are not spending time together without the baby. I am not talking about flat out cheating. I am talking about a slow bonding with attention from other men. You know the environment that is conduscive to seduction of a young naive wife who starts thinking she missed out on being with other men. A wife who is leary about setting boundaries. Very risky in my opinion. This can lead to the "I made a mistake". She is resisting the most important thing that would allow her to more safely have her personal time. Boundaries. Just deciding your boundaries on the fly is a bad idea, especailly for those that are not savvy in the ways of men and women as you portray. Many men see these women as ... prey. Easy prey.

Am I reading this wrong?

Also, you can hear from women in this scenario "you are not my dad". I don't have to answer to you. If they view a husband as a father figure then that is very bad. As then it is a relationship based on trying to date and move on with other men while stretching the boundaries SET by the parent. A husband and wife relationship is supposed to be quite different. So she should not be dating other men under your supervision. Maybe she is struggling with the change of roles here.

Oh and to ramble on further, I would hang out with them if there were men involved. I would caertainly stop in and not leave without her.


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## LexusNexus

Entropy3000 said:


> So assuming these are work buddies including men. She works kinda late as I recall. She does this every day? Weekly? Less often?
> 
> So while it is not about my boundaries I would just say that to me an occasional drink or two is one thing, but this is not a GNO if men are involved. I would think an hour or two every other week or so have a couple of drinks is one thing but doing this more often than say weekly for several hours hanging out with men drinking is asking for big trouble. She is getting needs met by other men. You guys are not spending time together without the baby. I am not talking about flat out cheating. I am talking about a slow bonding with attention from other men. You know the environment that is conduscive to seduction of a young naive wife who starts thinking she missed out on being with other men. A wife who is leary about setting boundaries. Very risky in my opinion. This can lead to the "I made a mistake". She is resisting the most important thing that would allow her to more safely have her personal time. Boundaries. Just deciding your boundaries on the fly is a bad idea, especailly for those that are not savvy in the ways of men and women as you portray. Many men see these women as ... prey. Easy prey.
> 
> Am I reading this wrong?
> 
> Also, you can hear from women in this scenario "you are not my dad". I don't have to answer to you. If they view a husband as a father figure then that is very bad. As then it is a relationship based on trying to date and move on with other men while stretching the boundaries SET by the parent. A husband and wife relationship is supposed to be quite different. So she should not be dating other men under your supervision. Maybe she is struggling with the change of roles here.
> 
> Oh and to ramble on further, I would hang out with them if there were men involved. I would caertainly stop in and not leave without her.


And that's exactly what I said. It's exactly how I see going out, my wife is very smart she knows that I am not Mr Nice guy, if anything happens she will loose everything. So she decided not to go out anymore at all. Now she resent me. Nowdays everything I say is consider controling. I am about to go insane, I spent thousands of dollars on best Marriage Counselors try to understand her needs. She doesnt even know her needs. She said she is confused and she needs space. The best advice I got give her some space. Its not about you its about her figure out what she wants. Meanwhile she is home everyday at 8.15 and she doesnt want to talk to me.


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## Entropy3000

LexusNexus said:


> And that's exactly what I said. It's exactly how I see going out, my wife is very smart she knows that I am not Mr Nice guy, if anything happens she will loose everything. So she decided not to go out anymore at all. Now she resent me. Nowdays everything I say is consider controling. I am about to go insane, I spent thousands of dollars on best Marriage Counselors try to understand her needs. She doesnt even know her needs. She said she is confused and she needs space. The best advice I got give her some space. Its not about you its about her figure out what she wants. Meanwhile she is home everyday at 8.15 and she doesnt want to talk to me.


Sorry if this sounds harsh but she is acting like avery spoiled pouting child. If so think she is tryng to adjust to this whole relationship to her primary ,male figure. In this case her husband. Not her father. She is acting like a grounded teenager. At least that is what it looks like to me. The more mature thing in my opinion would be to agree on boundaries. The old win-win. It makes me think there is a reason why those boundaries would spoil the fun ... Idunno.

What will break through this is unclear, but I would suggest that since she is not pursuing the old activities that you work on new activities with you. She may resist at first but you need to be imagaginative. What things can you do just a couple to steal some time for yourselves? Is there a relative who can hlep out with this. You guys really need to reconnect as a couple.


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## Marv

For me, it should be before ten pm. But the more important issue is who your spouse is going out with and what they're doing.


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## jnj express

This is in no way a matter of control, it is about what is proper for married spouses to do/boundaries for married spouses----You have been given all the reasons on the why of all of this

Maybe you could try to make her feel better, and mge., is making each other feel good, by sending her flowers, by taking her on dates, and if you need to get a baby sitter do so-----your child while immensely important, should not keep the 2 of you from doing things together, and going out on dates is one of them------Go to Hollywood Park, to the races,---it is lots of fun, go to USC, and UCLA sporting events---go to the movies, YOU take her dancing,---go out to dinner, go out and exercise together, work on your hobbies together if possible----throw a party at your house for FRIENDS of your mge.---get together with friends ---there are lots of things you can do---start doing them!!!!!!

I understand due to the lateness of her getting home, things during the week, are hard---maybe she needs to get her shift at work switched---I know you need the money from her work, to make your mge., be viable financially, but work in and of itself, should not bring a mge., down, and obviously her work hours are a problem---and I am in no way suggesting she quit her job, as jobs in So. Calif, are tuff to come by----

Just go back to those days, when you 2 were starry eyed lovers, and WOO her, make her want to come home to you, and not be out drinking with her workplace buddies-----you can do it.


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## hunter_aussie

LexusNexus said:


> And that's exactly what I said. It's exactly how I see going out, my wife is very smart she knows that I am not Mr Nice guy, if anything happens she will loose everything. So she decided not to go out anymore at all. Now she resent me. Nowdays everything I say is consider controling. I am about to go insane, I spent thousands of dollars on best Marriage Counselors try to understand her needs. She doesnt even know her needs. She said she is confused and she needs space. The best advice I got give her some space. Its not about you its about her figure out what she wants. Meanwhile she is home everyday at 8.15 and she doesnt want to talk to me.


Look I really do know how you feel. My husband likes to go out alot and not have limits. He says I just try to control him. So what I was saying before is if you give her an actual timeframe (ie 10pm no later) that seems controlling to them.
I've been there for so long, telling him that's not how a husband behaves, father behaves, it's immature etc etc. Nothing works. The more you try to "control" them the more they back away and either go out more, or stay home and sulk. Can't win.
I have no idea of your situation, but I told my husband to go. I was fed up (we have a 3 year old too). He then proceeded to not WANT to go out anywhere and wanted to be home. I didn't let him home for over a week though. I needed him to know I am not trying to control him, but this is how a marriage and family work and if you're not onboard with that that's fine, it is your life but go and do it somewhere else.
By standing my ground he seems to have listened for once and the respect is slowly coming back. I don't tell him "if" he can go or "how long for", I just shut up and expect him to do the right thing. Because if he doesn't, he knows where the door is.
If she wants space, give it to her.
Talk rationally to your wife and tell her you're not trying to constrict her, and if she wants to go you're not stopping her but these are your boundaries and she needs to respect that. If she doesn't, then you both have two different ideas about how marriage and family work. 
It's hard. No miracle answers, every relationship certainly is different. If you're unhappy, it's not working for you no matter what anyone says here.
Best of luck


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## LexusNexus

Entropy3000 said:


> Sorry if this sounds harsh but she is acting like avery spoiled pouting child. If so think she is tryng to adjust to this whole relationship to her primary ,male figure. In this case her husband. Not her father. She is acting like a grounded teenager. At least that is what it looks like to me. The more mature thing in my opinion would be to agree on boundaries. The old win-win. It makes me think there is a reason why those boundaries would spoil the fun ... Idunno.
> 
> What will break through this is unclear, but I would suggest that since she is not pursuing the old activities that you work on new activities with you. She may resist at first but you need to be imagaginative. What things can you do just a couple to steal some time for yourselves? Is there a relative who can hlep out with this. You guys really need to reconnect as a couple.


No it doesnt harsh at all, thats exactly what is going on. Even MC told me this. My wife never had a job before. She is 29 and this is her first job. I said I am very proud of you, if you decided to stay at home I will be fine. Communication is a big issue because she is distant, she doesnt want to talk. She is reading book His Needs Her Needs, 5 languages of love. I just finished reading. As far as I know all of her need were met, and she was loved. Both great books. We have very active social life, we go out 3 times a week. She never had friends before all friends are my firends. She said I am tired of being a "LONER" I said you dont have to, you can go out as many times as you want during a day. Nightime we will go out together. I gave her space that she wants, I dont stay in the house, she texts me 30 times a day. So I dont know what to do anymore.


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## LexusNexus

jnj express said:


> This is in no way a matter of control, it is about what is proper for married spouses to do/boundaries for married spouses----You have been given all the reasons on the why of all of this
> 
> Maybe you could try to make her feel better, and mge., is making each other feel good, by sending her flowers, by taking her on dates, and if you need to get a baby sitter do so-----your child while immensely important, should not keep the 2 of you from doing things together, and going out on dates is one of them------Go to Hollywood Park, to the races,---it is lots of fun, go to USC, and UCLA sporting events---go to the movies, YOU take her dancing,---go out to dinner, go out and exercise together, work on your hobbies together if possible----throw a party at your house for FRIENDS of your mge.---get together with friends ---there are lots of things you can do---start doing them!!!!!!
> 
> I understand due to the lateness of her getting home, things during the week, are hard---maybe she needs to get her shift at work switched---I know you need the money from her work, to make your mge., be viable financially, but work in and of itself, should not bring a mge., down, and obviously her work hours are a problem---and I am in no way suggesting she quit her job, as jobs in So. Calif, are tuff to come by----
> 
> Just go back to those days, when you 2 were starry eyed lovers, and WOO her, make her want to come home to you, and not be out drinking with her workplace buddies-----you can do it.


No its not about money, we dont have financial need. We have a house, cars, private school. She didnt work until 29 we have everything. She has everything in life. May be thats why she is confused. Trust me we did this before going out, date nights, friends, no races any more, dinner, flowers. Work out together, you name it. Something changed 1 month ago. I cannot figure out what. I think she is confused, she doesnt what she wants. She said I want to be in control of myself.


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## LexusNexus

hunter_aussie said:


> Look I really do know how you feel. My husband likes to go out alot and not have limits. He says I just try to control him. So what I was saying before is if you give her an actual timeframe (ie 10pm no later) that seems controlling to them.
> I've been there for so long, telling him that's not how a husband behaves, father behaves, it's immature etc etc. Nothing works. The more you try to "control" them the more they back away and either go out more, or stay home and sulk. Can't win.
> I have no idea of your situation, but I told my husband to go. I was fed up (we have a 3 year old too). He then proceeded to not WANT to go out anywhere and wanted to be home. I didn't let him home for over a week though. I needed him to know I am not trying to control him, but this is how a marriage and family work and if you're not onboard with that that's fine, it is your life but go and do it somewhere else.
> By standing my ground he seems to have listened for once and the respect is slowly coming back. I don't tell him "if" he can go or "how long for", I just shut up and expect him to do the right thing. Because if he doesn't, he knows where the door is.
> If she wants space, give it to her.
> Talk rationally to your wife and tell her you're not trying to constrict her, and if she wants to go you're not stopping her but these are your boundaries and she needs to respect that. If she doesn't, then you both have two different ideas about how marriage and family work.
> It's hard. No miracle answers, every relationship certainly is different. If you're unhappy, it's not working for you no matter what anyone says here.
> Best of luck


I know what you saying. I am not trying to give her a time frame, I said clearly you decide on time, I said dont forget you are married and have a child. You will either respect my boundaries and we will work on this issue, or you can leave and explore world on your own. She didnt say anything yet, but she knows me I am firm on my decisions. So will see.

Good luck to you too.


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