# Am I being completely irrational?? (Jealousy)



## jidanon (Aug 27, 2010)

About 5-6 weeks ago, I caught my wife being deceitful/lying to me. She had a guy who she works with programmed in her phone with the name of a girl she works with so she could text him without me getting angry. As I was unraveling her story little by little, I found multiple lies. She still says it was nothing but friendship but knowing I had issues with this guy before (my issue was that I felt she talked to/about him a lot and it really got under my skin) she didn't want me to get mad if she saw that I called or texted him. She was always extremely secretive with her phone and never wanted me touching it for quite some time, so I was always having issues with anxiety and jealousy because of it. When I caught her in these lies, I called the guy up and told him everything and read him the riot act. He assured me than any more company business would be done on company phones during business hours and no more texting. I have checked my wifes phone several times to make sure his number hasn't made its way back in.

Any way, we're getting past it little by little. Things have been great. She had some guilt issues that kept her up crying in bed for a few nights because I was very hurt. For the first time in a long time, I actually feel like my wife loves me again. I used to treat her like dog crap so I'm thankful she gave me a second chance 4 years ago. I feel like I made the most of it. I stopped name calling, started treating her, for the most part, the way she deserves. I've never cheated on her or even had a wandering eye. I was just a d!ck. But I've fixed that 95%, and she would tell you the same.

So, without getting too much deeper, here's the story. A woman who my wife is friends with is friends with this guy's wife. So one week after all of this happened, my wife asks me if it would be ok if when a movie was released, she went with her friend and this dude's wife to a movie. This really upset me. She had NEVER been friends with this woman before. I had never even heard her name. Suddenly a week after all of this, she asks me if it's cool to go hang out with her. This irked me. I want her to have no connection with this guy, including through his wife. It's bad enough that they still work together, in my eyes.

Again, fast forward one month. Last night I see that she added this woman (his wife) to her Facebook as a friend. I am frustrated in finding this, but I thought I would sleep on it and try to let it go. Instead she kept prodding me for "whats wrong" (I didn't think I was acting like anything was wrong since I was just laying in bed with my eyes closed while she read). I finally said I saw who her new FB friend was. She responded "Yeah?" and I just said I didn't want you hanging out with her, why would I want you to be friends with her on Facebook? Could you have at least ran this by me? She turned off the Kindle, turned on the TV, rolled over, and didn't say another word. Her reaction made me much, much angrier than the act of adding this woman to FB. She cannot for the life of her understand why I might have issues with her having any kind of connection with this guy, whether its through his wife or otherwise. She's basically saying that I'm being completely irrational and that it makes no sense and that she thought I would be happy that she was trying to make friends with his wife - like it would make me more comfortable. It didn't then, and it doesn't now.

Fellow men, how would you feel? Am I being nutty?


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

No, you are spot on, it's been too recent. You need to quietly snoop and figure out what's going on.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

She does understand why you don't want her to be friends with the wife.

She just wants to continue the fight over her being right and you being wrong.

Until you get to a point where your wife is remorseful for betraying you, your marriage will never have the safety you require.

I would seriously consider telling this man's wife that your wife is having an emotional affair with him ... Proof of this would be very helpful in having this conversation.

Your wife is a real piece of work to want to be friends with the wife of the man she is cheating with.


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## jidanon (Aug 27, 2010)

Thanks guys, I appreciate your insight.

I see there are a lot of views but only 2 replies - if you are reading this and have an opinion, please share it!


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

The lying and hiding who the guy is would be enough issue for me, forget about all the stuff afterwards. Sounds like from how you treated her in the past and what she is doing now, you both could use some counseling. Your past behavior doesn't excuse her transgressions but I'm sure it also didn't help. See how she responds to suggesting counseling, I would still quietly snoop in the meanwhile. Hoping it's nothing though!


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## jidanon (Aug 27, 2010)

yellowstar said:


> The lying and hiding who the guy is would be enough issue for me, forget about all the stuff afterwards. Sounds like from how you treated her in the past and what she is doing now, you both could use some counseling. Your past behavior doesn't excuse her transgressions but I'm sure it also didn't help. See how she responds to suggesting counseling, I would still quietly snoop in the meanwhile. Hoping it's nothing though!


We actually did do counseling when her feelings for me hadn't improved after I had stopped my horrible behavior. Things were supposed to be great now. We decided to have another baby because things had been good for a couple of years (not weeks or months, but yes, years). I thought things were perfect now. I don't know how to get through to her. She can't believe that I have a problem with this. Meanwhile I'm angry and frustrated that she cant see why this would upset me.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

It takes more than a year of hard work to get passed what she did, I think she is still cheating (call it what it is) and took it underground. I don't think she has even started to try to reconcile. I feel that you are rug sweeping the situation and that never works. 

Things were perfect because you started to be nicer to her and she told you what you wanted to hear and she is more careful with other man because you wind of it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

So, you had issues with your wife frequently calling and texting another man. You confronted her with your feelings, and she responded by guarding her phone and changing the man's contact info to a woman's name. You found out and blessed the guy out, which made him back off. At that point, your wife got sad. It's possible that she was sad because she hurt you. It's also possible she's sad because you busted up her affair.

Now, she wants to be friends with this guy's wife. Maybe she is innocent and really needs friends. Maybe she's trying to inject herself back into this guy's life. I mean, if she shows up at his house at some point, she's just there to see her friend. It certainly wouldn't be because she's into this guy, right?

And now that you've responded negatively to her plan of staying in this guy's orbit, she says she can't see the problem.

I see two possibilities. First, your wife is retarded. She honestly doesn't understand that having an affair, or trying to have an affair, is wrong. Second, she's a standard wayward wife who is using the old, "Don't you trust me?" tactic to put you on the defensive so that she can continue doing what she wants. My money is on the second scenario.

So, I wouldn't play her game. All of her red flags means that she can't be friends with this man, or his wife, or his sister, or his mother, or his cousin. He must be eliminated, or at least minimized, in her life. I would keep an eye on her phone records to look for his number. Also, keep an eye open for more red flags.

Good luck.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Are you sure it's the mans wife? On the fb page people call her by her name?? I'm willing to bet this lady is clueless about the page and does not know your wife otherwise, she's a complete moron.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

I wouldn't necessarily call this jealousy...I would say that this is a situation that is sounding your alarm bells. The temptation is to NOT want to make a big deal out of it...to rationalize it away and take her word on things...to not start another season of craziness. But can you see taking the silent route is costing YOUR sanity, that YOUR anxiety is ramped up, that this DOES NOT FEEL SAFE for you?? Your wife would rather treat the situation that you are the one with the problem...to let you be the sole brunt-bearer of her past indescretions...and completely employ zippo empathy if what issue you would have concerning this.

My wife expertly employed this method, sneakily tested the boundaries, leaving me to handle all the negative emotions alone...and I was ambivilant and actually felt guilty for making a big deal out of it. Did she want to work this through with me? No, she just quietly saw me tied up in knots and continued with her agenda.

At this stage, you need to stand boldly by your boundary...state very clearly (in a non-abusive fashion) your expectations...BEAT NO BUSHES though, be very explicit. And if she wants to throw a little attitude, just let her, but don't let it change your boundary marker. Let her know, for you, that there is no compromising on this issue...and if she refuses to plainly acknowledge the reason why, then she obviously didn't learn anything from her sneakiness from before. Tell her that she is free to make any decision she wants, you won't hold her against her will, but you will not be able to continue if she wants to continue with something that is ultimately causing you harm. End of discussion.

If she backs off but starts resuming suspicious behavior...don't overreact, don't act mopey or passive aggressive...play it cool...play it like things are normal while you gather evidence. The more suspicious you act the more secretive she will be...and yes, after being caught the first time, the cheater is a whole lot more careful about covering his/her tracks so you may want to get a VAR device...consider an internet monitoring program...spend money on a PI if you think the situation warrants one. 

Take control of this...don't be on the receiving end. What is the worst thing that can happen? Accept that your worst fear is a possibility, but don't live in it, just acknowledge it, face it, and get a grip on your reactivity, so you can be clear minded with your choices. It might also help to go back to your counselor alone and bring this up.


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

PHTlump said:


> ...she's a standard wayward wife who is using the old, "Don't you trust me?" tactic to put you on the defensive so that she can continue doing what she wants.


Exactly. :iagree:


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

A friendship with another man really has no place in your marriage period. No matter what is being said, this relationship is HARMFUL to your marriage. 

Stand up for yourself and your marriage. Ask her to choose between her marriage and her job, her friendship with this man, her friendship with his wife... And to let you know by 5:00 today what her choice is.

And anything other than choosing her marriage over these other friendhips, accept her choice, stop talking to her, and make an appointment with a lawyer.


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## Foolish1 (Apr 5, 2013)

jidanon said:


> About 5-6 weeks ago, I caught my wife being deceitful/lying to me. She had a guy who she works with programmed in her phone with the name of a girl she works with so she could text him without me getting angry. As I was unraveling her story little by little, I found multiple lies. She still says it was nothing but friendship but knowing I had issues with this guy before (my issue was that I felt she talked to/about him a lot and it really got under my skin) she didn't want me to get mad if she saw that I called or texted him. She was always extremely secretive with her phone and never wanted me touching it for quite some time, so I was always having issues with anxiety and jealousy because of it. When I caught her in these lies, I called the guy up and told him everything and read him the riot act. He assured me than any more company business would be done on company phones during business hours and no more texting. I have checked my wifes phone several times to make sure his number hasn't made its way back in.
> 
> Any way, we're getting past it little by little. Things have been great. She had some guilt issues that kept her up crying in bed for a few nights because I was very hurt. For the first time in a long time, I actually feel like my wife loves me again. I used to treat her like dog crap so I'm thankful she gave me a second chance 4 years ago. I feel like I made the most of it. I stopped name calling, started treating her, for the most part, the way she deserves. I've never cheated on her or even had a wandering eye. I was just a d!ck. But I've fixed that 95%, and she would tell you the same.
> 
> ...


I'm not a guy, but this situation hits very close to home. Now this guy can see, through his wife's FB account, anything your wife posts. And your wife can see anything he posts and tags his wife in. How are you going to feel when this guy posts pictures and tags his wife, your wife comments on the pictures, the guy likes her comments or responds to them? I tell you how you're going to feel ... like absolute crap.

The spouses pulling this ridiculousness make me absolutely crazy. Especially the ones who would not tolerate it if we did it to them.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

mablenc said:


> No, you are spot on, it's been too recent. You need to quietly snoop and figure out what's going on.


Place a VAR under the seat of her car and in the house in locations where she might talk to him.

Also, place a keylogger on her computer.

Something is afoot here.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

PHTlump said:


> So, you had issues with your wife frequently calling and texting another man. You confronted her with your feelings, and she responded by guarding her phone and changing the man's contact info to a woman's name. You found out and blessed the guy out, which made him back off. At that point, your wife got sad. It's possible that she was sad because she hurt you. It's also possible she's sad because you busted up her affair.
> 
> Now, she wants to be friends with this guy's wife. Maybe she is innocent and really needs friends. Maybe she's trying to inject herself back into this guy's life. I mean, if she shows up at his house at some point, she's just there to see her friend. It certainly wouldn't be because she's into this guy, right?
> 
> ...


I completely agree to all of this.

Unless he's using his wife's name to keep in contact with her. Under no circumstances should she have any contact with that guy. Nothing justifies an affair, not even the way you treated her before. I'm glad you changed into a better man.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Either 

1 - It's not his wife but him. He's using an account in the name of his wife as a blind.

2 - His wife is bisexual and your wife is the third in their fun.

Why would your wife want to be friends with the wife of a guy she was chatting up? Wouldn't she ultimately find out?


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Chris Taylor said:


> Either
> 
> 1 - It's not his wife but him. He's using an account in the name of his wife as a blind.
> 
> ...



Some people like seeking out drama.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

On another note I think it's great that you've owned up to your poor treatment of your wife and taken steps to correct it. That makes your position much stronger.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## d4rkb0t (Jun 4, 2013)

In my opinion. I think it's best to deal with the issue and find out exactly what's going on. Trust me I work with females and had seen this exact scenario and they always their husband the friendship is over and then after a while they resume their activities. Hope everything works out for the best


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## tjohnson (Mar 10, 2010)

From what you described your wife is cheating or at the very least having an ea. As others have said don't let her play the "you don't trust me thing" falsifying contacts on her phone is reason enough. 

I would be careful of keyloggers and or VA recorders. in some states the laws are counterintuative. This is illegal and you could be fined etc. (or could be used against you). 

I would try and find out what is legal and at the very least don't get caught. 

You trusted your gut on this situation and you were right. It is probably not paranoia but, being astute to a problem. This site has a great search function as well as a category with infidelity. though people that post there may be who are predisposed to smell infedility. I would look into both. 

Good luck.


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## Mark72 (May 26, 2012)

Cake, anyone?


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## ScrewedEverything (May 14, 2013)

Doesn't anyone here want to consider the possibility that the wife has done nothing wrong and that the OP really is just ridiculously paranoid and controlling? He tells us he's treated her like crap for years, without really specifying what that means. He never said that the wife ever had any inappropriate conversations or interactions with this coworker, just that he blew up at her because he didn't like the fact that she mentioned him too frequently, in the OP's opinion. 

Based on the OP's narrative, it isn't a stretch to picture a wife who is intimidated and afraid of the OP, so she has to hide the phone number of the coworker to avoid setting him off - something that wouldn't be given a second thought in another relationship. As far as the coworker's wife goes - she and the OP's wife have a mutual friend and the OP's wife asked permission (!!!) before going out to a movie with both of them. It doesn't seem surprising to me that, having met the wife of a coworker who is also the friend of a friend, the two would friend each other on Facebook. That's what normal people do. Everyone is treating that like it's some proof of infidelity when it seem like the exact opposite.

No wonder the OP's wife reacted like she did. Looking at the story differently than most here apparently do, I see a woman who maybe has been treated like crap for years, been accused of having an affair based solely on her husband's jealous overreaction to her mentioning a coworker too much, and now he wants to control who she goes out with, who she talks to and who she can "friend" on Facebook. She has every reason to be pissed and unhappy with that situation. (Just wait til she finds the VAR in her car!)

My vote is , yes, it sounds like you are being completely irrational and before youjump to any further conclusions, maybe you ought to have a good conversation with your wife about the bigger picture and really listen to what she says.


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## solvency7 (Jun 15, 2013)

seems a bit far fetched but stranger things have happened. Listen in this scenario, id get apps for the pc and phone for one week and see what happens,spyware is undetectable,long as you know what your doing..personally ive not had the need but dont get me wrong,i will actually go to these lengths if i thought there was a MASSIVE chance something was going on, if its just paranoia,let it slide and leave it be dude

p.s..really if you dont know what your doing with spyware dont attempt it,she will rip your head off if she finds it


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

ScrewedEverything said:


> Doesn't anyone here want to consider the possibility that the wife has done nothing wrong and that the OP really is just ridiculously paranoid and controlling? He tells us he's treated her like crap for years, without really specifying what that means. He never said that the wife ever had any inappropriate conversations or interactions with this coworker, just that he blew up at her because he didn't like the fact that she mentioned him too frequently, in the OP's opinion.
> 
> Based on the OP's narrative, it isn't a stretch to picture a wife who is intimidated and afraid of the OP, so she has to hide the phone number of the coworker to avoid setting him off - something that wouldn't be given a second thought in another relationship. As far as the coworker's wife goes - she and the OP's wife have a mutual friend and the OP's wife asked permission (!!!) before going out to a movie with both of them. It doesn't seem surprising to me that, having met the wife of a coworker who is also the friend of a friend, the two would friend each other on Facebook. That's what normal people do. Everyone is treating that like it's some proof of infidelity when it seem like the exact opposite.
> 
> ...


No, I think having a guy friend from work secretly named as a woman on your phone so you can text him behind your husbands back is a massive red flag. 

The rest of it, the dinner with his wife part....well, anything about the dude from work is going to be a hot-button for him. You don't see that?

That's called a trigger.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

ScrewedEverything said:


> Doesn't anyone here want to consider the possibility that the wife has done nothing wrong and that the OP really is just ridiculously paranoid and controlling?


No.

1. People that are controlling don't jump onto marriage boards and talk about how bad of a partner they were and why that justifies bad behavior from their partner. Doormats do that.

2. Even if he was a bad husband, nothing justifies outright lying and denying stuff. What's the point of being married if you're going to be dishonest?

3. Her behavior follows standard cheater script to the T. Even the part where she tries to befriend the OM's wife. "OMG we should double date, you would really like him! If anything was going on why would I invite him out with you AND his wife??"

I don't like it....any of it.... He'll never find out what's going on either, because they've gone underground and they can talk however much they want at work.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

tjohnson said:


> From what you described your wife is cheating or at the very least having an ea. As others have said don't let her play the "you don't trust me thing" falsifying contacts on her phone is reason enough.
> 
> I would be careful of keyloggers and or VA recorders. in some states the laws are counterintuative. This is illegal and you could be fined etc. (or could be used against you).
> 
> ...


The BS can still use these forms to gather information, while they reach greater sources of information which are irrefutable. You gotta start somewhere.


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## couple (Nov 6, 2010)

She got caught red handed with secret communications with this guy. The level of inappropriateness is not clear but in the best case, her actions were inappropriate and deceitful. Perhaps in this economy, she must continue to work with him, however, she needs to live by your rules with this. I can't believe after being caught like this, she is standing her ground with this strange contact with his wife....she's got some guts! In fact, her thinking she can do this and then tell you she won't respect your very reasonable boundaries (e.g. no contact with him or his wife) points to a wrong power dynamic in the relationship.

Frankly I do think you need to 'grow some...' but this is more complicated than just that. It sounds like she is still stuck on this guy and that's your biggest problem. If she was over whatever she had with this guy, then she would see clearly what she did and it would be no big deal to just stay away from anything to do with this guy.


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## FemBot (May 1, 2013)

If you are uncomfortable with her being friends with this guy and his entourage then she should abide by your feelings. My H was not comfortable with me being fb friends with an ex so I deleted him. It didn't matter to me, my H's feelings are what mattered....especially because of who this person is to me...not some random guy. She has already proved that this guy is more important than you or your feelings.

My thought is that she might be trying to punish you for your past jerkiness....but it's hard to say.


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