# Think I'm ready to move on - my first post



## finallyready (Jan 7, 2012)

I've been hanging around this site for 2 months now, and am finally ready to post my story and hopefull get some advice.

My story is not unlike most on here. My wife and I have been married for 6 years, together for 13 years. Our relationship was a bit rocky at the start, but we were young and it took me a while to mature enough to fully commit and get married. We are both in our 30s and have 3 children. Since we've been married our life has been great - comfortable financially, nice home, vacations, great kids, etc. A typical "beautiful" family.

In October, she started becoming more distant. We had a small argument about something (honestly don't even remember what it was about, but it was a typical routine disagreement). This led to the silent treatment that lasted for a month. She slept as far away from me in the bed as possible. I sensed something was wrong, and when I could stand it no more I approached her about it. That night she said things weren't right and she wanted a separation. This was absolutely devastating to hear. She said that I was not filling her emotional needs, that I did not put her on a pedastal, that I failed to do the little things to make her feel special (rub her back, play with her hair, tell her how beautiful she is, etc.). Guilty as charged, but I was certainly not a cold person. I just didn't do enough of these little things and I acknowledge that. I started to see a therapist to start working out why I was like this. She refused to see a MC with me - said she didn't want to work things out. I got the whole "not in love" speech, just like the script reads.

At this point I entered an emotional fog. Completely devastated at the idea of losing the love of my life and my family. For the first month I was frantically negotiating to save our marriage, not quite begging, but close to it. I am a good man, husband and father and she agrees with that. I hoped that was enough to justify giving me a chance to show her that I can change and start better fulfilling her emotional needs. I guess I felt that I had been a good enough husband and father to at least deserve a shot at fixing things.

Suspicion set in and low and behold I discovered the dozens of late night texts on the phone bill. It was obvious that she was involved in an EA. I confronted her and she said that this guy was just a distraction to her, which was helping her through this tough time. Yeah right. The next day she separated her phone from our family plan. This guy is someone that she works with.

All the other red flags were present - buying new clothes, going out more, working out, whitening teeth, etc. I also have evidence that this relationship progressed to a PA at least once, but realistically it has to be much more than just once. Wow, that was painful.

She wanted me to stay at home through the holidays for the sake of the kids, so I did and I'm still at home. During this time she has been very cold, and it's obvious that she is not happy when I'm around. I have maintained strength by not being a wimp around her and not mentioning our relationship at all. I have basically acted as normal as possible. We all travelled out of state for the holidays. We could both be nominated for an Academy Award for our acting performance in front of our family and friends. There were glimpses of hope during this trip. We slept in the same bed, had a little bit of physical contact, got along quite well. The first night when we returned she let me sleep in our bed for the first time in two months. I thought this was a hopeful sign, but by the next day she was back to being cold and I was back on the couch. She hasn't mentioned me moving out even though the plan was for me to stay only through the holidays, it's like an elephant in the room. She still often speaks as if we have a future together - talks about future trips, etc.

All this time I had been giving her the benefit of the doubt, hoping that this was a phase and that she would come around, apologize for what happened and be willing to work on the marriage. No such luck, and over the past week or so something has clicked for me. I'm quickly realizing that I shouldn't want to be with someone who doesn't love me, and that I am ready to fully accept that and move on with my life in search of happiness. The pain today is nowhere near what it was 1-2 months ago. I do want my marriage, but feel prepared to get by without it. This is not a great place to be emotionally, but it is a big improvement from the feelings of despair and hopelessness I was feeling a month ago.

So here I sit, feeling like I need to move out and stop providing her the lifestyle she has become accustomed to, yet I am hesitant to take action. I've identified places to live, have started researching the legal separation process, and feel like this has to happen. No matter what, me being at home with her is not a good situation. It drives her farther from me, and it prolongs my recovery. I want to tell her that I'm leaving soon but I'm having trouble mustering the strength to do so. Me leaving will have a serious financial impact on the family. I don't make enough money to support 2 households, so there will be serious adjustments required by both of us. I am concerned that I only want to leave to send a strong message to her. I honestly am struggling to figure out my own intentions! Am I really ready to move on, or am I only wanting to send a message?!

I'm thinking about either having a conversation or writing a letter that includes the following points:
- I love you, but am finally ready to move on
- I didn't/don't want to give up on our marriage, and believed that trying to repair it would have been the right thing to do
- I realize that I can't be around a wife that doesn't love me
- I have learned much about myself and my boundaries
- I truly wish you future happiness
- I deserve to find my own happiness
- I'm not angry with you
- I will accept responsibility for not being intimate enough, but not for her choice to pursue another man
- That I am moving on to the next chapter in my life with a positive attitude.

Thoughts anyone??


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## finallyready (Jan 7, 2012)

Whoa, just saw how long that post was. Sorry!!!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Do you own the home you live in?

Why would you be the one to move out? Why would you be the one to leave your chidlren?

One thing you need to do is to put pressure on the affair. The more reality that hits her, the more pressure. Tell her that if she will not give up her affair then she has to move out. That the children stay in the family home with you. 

If she moves the children out with her, you can get an emergency court order to have them returned to the family home.

Before you do anything, find an attorney and find out your rights in your state. Pendig on the state you live in, her adutery might be able to be used as a reason for the divorce and will help you with child custody and financial arrangements. 

Is there any way that you can get more evidence of the affair? Another way to put the pressure of real life on the affair is to expose it to her and your family, friends, etc.

Is the other man (OM) married? If so find out how to contact his wife and let her know of the affair.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Emotional Affairs are devistating. Fights/disagreements will always happen in any close relationships, but when one spouse turns to a member of the opposite sex for a consultative relationship about the marriage to 'feel" better, they might as well just ask for a divorce. IMHO.

After a year of trying to be understanding, treating her very special, just to have her walk away and give very little to the relationship has made me very resentful and wishing I had not wasted all this time with her.

We have no children, so they are very important to consider in any decision, but in my case the only child involved is the one who ran away.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

Sorry youre lost. The quicker you realize that the better.
She wont come back to you whatever you do.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

She checked out of the marriage.
She is having an affair.
She broke her oath to you.
She is cold and distant.
She is the one that wishes to end the relationship.
She has done the damage and
she needs to pay the consequences.

What you should do;

You sleep in your bed. If she doesn't like it, she can sleep elsewhere.
You stay in your home.
You stay with and be a father to your kids.
You see an attorney.
You tell her to straighten up or move on without your financial support or her children.


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## finallyready (Jan 7, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Do you own the home you live in?
> 
> Why would you be the one to move out? Why would you be the one to leave your chidlren?
> 
> ...


We do own the home. I couldn't bring myself to make her leave. That would make things worse on the kids, and quite frankly, I would prefer not to be in the house. Too many memories. 

We talked today and I told her I was leaving soon, that I loved her, but I was ready to move on and start the next chapter in my life. She was not affected by this conversation in the least. Im not surprised by this, but it still hurts. I will never understand how a woman's heart can change so quickly. So I will be leaving within the next few days. Gonna have to sit with her and the kids to explain. That will be the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. Those little girls are the light of my life. I told her that some very hard decisions will need to be made, like selling the house because she won't be able to afford it. She is in denial about the house. She thinks that she can find away to keep it. I just don't know what to do about that. Should I insist that we sell, or take the risk that she stays in it but can't afford it?

I'll post an update when I have one. Thanks to everyone who contributes to this great site. I've been reading posts for 2 months. It's therapeutic to read other peoples stories and to see that I'm not alone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

She may be in denial now but she will soon wake up and come running back to you. Be prepared for that and decide now what you will do.


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## finallyready (Jan 7, 2012)

This morning she asked me to take care of a few things around the house like I normally would. One thing she wanted me to do was hang a big new picture that she bought for the bedroom. I said, "maybe you should take that back to the store.". She didn't understand and got pissed. I texted her that I was not going to spend money and time helping her redecorate "her" house when I'm moving out. I think this is a reasonable position and I'm not being a d-ck.". This whole thing pissed her right off - not even talking to me. I honestly know I'm being reasonable. She must just be searching for any small reason to be angry and hateful to me. Wtf.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Finally,
You are 100 percent right. The "sane and decent" posture on her part at this point in time would be:
- Contrition (I am really sorry for hurting you this way)
- A conscious choice NOT to ask you for anything - since she is cutting your heart out and YOU are leaving the house
- Gratitude towards you putting her/the kids first and YOU leaving even though this was HER choice

Instead she seems to want reassurance that you will continue to give her unconditional love AND unconditional financial support even though she has kicked you to the curb.

Sometimes you have to demand respect. Not by being angry - but by being COLD/indifferent. She still believes you are her 
"Plan B". The fact that she ASKED you to do this proves she thinks you are her plan b. 

She cannot respect you - while you are "plan B". In fact "Plan B" is a special subset of the "friendzone". It is the lowest, worstest (I know that is not a word) part of the friend zone. The "Plan B Zone" is the place where SHE retains ALL of her rights to call upon you, but YOU retain none of your rights to call on her. 





finallyready said:


> This morning she asked me to take care of a few things around the house like I normally would. One thing she wanted me to do was hang a big new picture that she bought for the bedroom. I said, "maybe you should take that back to the store.". She didn't understand and got pissed. I texted her that I was not going to spend money and time helping her redecorate "her" house when I'm moving out. I think this is a reasonable position and I'm not being a d-ck.". This whole thing pissed her right off - not even talking to me. I honestly know I'm being reasonable. She must just be searching for any small reason to be angry and hateful to me. Wtf.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Finallyready, 

Im so sorry you're here.

~sammy


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Stop.

Do not move out. Instead of moving out, man up for heavens sake. You are letting her get away with murder here by calling all the shots. You sir are a doormat.

She s the one having the affair. She sleeps on the couch.

She is having the affair, she can move out.

Sheis having the affir, you need to expose it to the world: friends, family, and HR at her work. Yeah she'll be pissed because you'll be making the affair hard to continue.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

finallyready said:


> We do own the home. I couldn't bring myself to make her leave. That would make things worse on the kids, and quite frankly, I would prefer not to be in the house. Too many memories.


I cannot stress enough to you to not move out before you talk to an attorney. I don’t know what state you live in, but in some states if you leave the family home it is seen as you abandoning your children. You could have a very hard time getting anything but minimal visitation with your children and the child support you pay will be much higher because of this.

Your children will also most likely look at your leaving as you abandoning them. They could very well hold it against you for a very long time.

I did not mean for you to make her leave. What I meant is for you to tell her that if she wants to be separated she will have to leave. 

The idea is to put as much pressure on and the affair. The chance of recovering your marriage is much lower (much much lower) if you separate. So give her the option to move out and leave her children. She is very unlikely to move out if she has to leave her children.

If you move out you are giving her total freedom to carry on an affair and to do it right in front of your children. Is this really what you want?


finallyready said:


> We talked today and I told her I was leaving soon, that I loved her, but I was ready to move on and start the next chapter in my life. She was not affected by this conversation in the least. Im not surprised by this, but it still hurts.
> 
> I will never understand how a woman's heart can change so quickly. So I will be leaving within the next few days. Gonna have to sit with her and the kids to explain. That will be the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. Those little girls are the light of my life. I told her that some very hard decisions will need to be made, like selling the house because she won't be able to afford it. She is in denial about the house. She thinks that she can find away to keep it. I just don't know what to do about that. Should I insist that we sell, or take the risk that she stays in it but can't afford it?


If your daughters are the light of your life.. why are you leaving them? Over a whim that their mother is going through? Really?
What state do you live in? What percentage of your total family income does your wife earn? 

I would bet that your wife will be able to afford the house.

She will get a child support. And depending on the state you live and the answer to the income % question above she might be getting spousal support as well. It’s you who might not be able to afford much of a place to live.

Since your moving out, your wife will most likely get major custody if not 100% physical custody of the children with you having minimal visitation.. after all a parent who truly cares for their children does not willingly move out of the family home. 

I’m not trying to be mean… my point is that your making decisions here that can affect the rest of your life, how much you get to see your children and your financial future without even consulting with an attorney. Please do not move out until you see an attorney to protect your rights.


finallyready said:


> I'll post an update when I have one. Thanks to everyone who contributes to this great site. I've been reading posts for 2 months. It's therapeutic to read other peoples stories and to see that I'm not alone.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

What about the PA? Does she know that you know?


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