# I don't trust my husband to watch our kids. Help!



## northernlights

I'm going to try to keep this short, but want to preface it by saying that while watching my kids climb trees and take risks makes me cringe inwardly sometimes, I believe in the value of letting them have childhoods, have fun, and take risks (within reason!). I know that people have different boundaries here, and my impression is that dads often let kids do things that makes us moms nervous. For that reason, I always tried to let H do things with the kids without me around. 

Well, there have been times though that he let them do things that gave me a heart attack. I'm not going into a laundry list, but things like letting our 1 year old sit at the edge of a massive pier with no rail and him 5 feet away. Too far to get her if she tumbled back. So, when there's a real question of danger, I always make sure I'm there too.

So, we were at an indoor water park. I'd fallen that morning and scraped up my knee really badly, but the kids wanted to swim more after dinner. At this point, they're 5.5 and 3. Neither a good swimmer, and the 3 year old not a swimmer at all. We decide that I'll come with a book and sit on a lounge chair. I'm not in a swimsuit and I am off duty. A little bit of mom time!

It's very loud from the rushing water, and very empty. I can't remember if there was even another family there. H takes the kids into the wade-in wave pool. I don't know how much time went by, but I looked up and the 3 year old was up to her waist, alone, in the pool and heading deeper. No life jacket. The 5 year old is in a life jacket over her head but OK. No waves at the moment, but they start up randomly. Husband is nowhere to be seen.

I was so scared. I decided to watch the little one and if she got any deeper to run in, clothes and all. Also if the waves started. I couldn't see a life guard anywhere. I shouted for H, but he couldn't hear me over the rushing water.

Finally, I found him playing basketball. He could not see or hear our children from where he was. I was shaking with fear and anger. 

He said he was sorry, that it was a momentary lapse in judgement. I think it's .... not unforgivable, but unforgettable. I can't trust someone who would leave our kids alone in water when they're not swimmers. Even if they were swimmers it's not OK! To me, this is parenting 101. 

It's been over a year and I still can't get over it. I am afraid to trust him. If something happened to the kids on his watch, I would blame myself. I've had fair warning that he's not up to the job.

But how do I proceed? H feels like I'm punishing him. I'm not trying to, but I don't know how to communicate that I just can't trust someone who would do something like this. These are my kids! They're my heart and soul.

What would you do? What would you tell your spouse when they insisted that nothing like this would happen again? Is it as bad as I think it is?


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## PBear

Your husband is an idiot, and you're right not to trust him. He can't be trusted to recognize a dangerous situation, if you ask me. This is coming from a guy, BTW.

C


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## golfergirl

Your two examples made me sick to my stomach with fear. Your husband is a clueless fool. I wouldn't leave him alone with kids either until old enough to fend for themselves. I don't think even a parenting class or counseling would sway me to trust an idiot like him again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AsTheStoryGoes

If I were in your situation, I wouldn't be able to trust my husband with the kids for a while..at least not until they are older and can take care of themselves better (like golfergirl said). I wouldn't leave them alone with him, difficult as that will probably be at times. Does your husband get defensive when you confront him about his mistakes? Would he be willing to read some parenting books or take some classes? I don't think it would hurt. But it boils down to common sense, and it seems he is lacking in that department, not trying to bash your husband. My hubby's made some mistakes and will probably continue to make me feel uneasy at time with the kids, but there are some things you just DO NOT DO!


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## northernlights

Thank you so much for your honesty everyone. Sometimes it's hard to tell from so close if it's as bad as I think it is, so I really appreciate the objective feedback. I haven't been able to talk about this with any of my family. I did tell one friend once and saying it all out loud made me start crying, so I've just refrained since then.

He gets defensive if I bring it up or tell him he can't do something like take the girls to the beach, but he has communication issues, so he doesn't say much. Just will say something like, "oh you're being ridiculous," and then walk away. 

I've tried to get him to read parenting books just because it's important to me, but he won't. I'm big into the idea that changing the way you discipline takes practice and effort (and I hate when I open my mouth and I hear my parents' words coming out! They weren't bad parents or anything, but you know, I think I can do better).

I don't know how I didn't see this coming before we had kids.


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## golfergirl

northernlights said:


> Thank you so much for your honesty everyone. Sometimes it's hard to tell from so close if it's as bad as I think it is, so I really appreciate the objective feedback. I haven't been able to talk about this with any of my family. I did tell one friend once and saying it all out loud made me start crying, so I've just refrained since then.
> 
> He gets defensive if I bring it up or tell him he can't do something like take the girls to the beach, but he has communication issues, so he doesn't say much. Just will say something like, "oh you're being ridiculous," and then walk away.
> 
> I've tried to get him to read parenting books just because it's important to me, but he won't. I'm big into the idea that changing the way you discipline takes practice and effort (and I hate when I open my mouth and I hear my parents' words coming out! They weren't bad parents or anything, but you know, I think I can do better).
> 
> I don't know how I didn't see this coming before we had kids.


If he got the seriousness of it, it would still be hard, but he sounds like he blows it off like, 'boo hoo poor me - mean wife doesn't trust me'. You don't get do-overs with drowning.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AsTheStoryGoes

I'll share something completely stupid my husband used to do that made me FURIOUS. Maybe it will make you feel a little better, because you're not alone and you definitely have a right to not trust your husband. 

My husband owns a gun and so do I. We have a 2 year old and a 1 month old right now. Around 8-10 months ago when he first got his gun, he would sometimes leave it out low enough for our toddler to reach. Granted, it's doubtful my son would even be able to pick the thing up because of it's weight but that's beside the point..my husband was being a complete idiot. He has sleep apnea, so he has a lot of issues because of that, and will sometimes fall asleep watching TV or even while he's right in the middle of playing a game on his phone. Twice he's come to bed leaving it out, forgetting about it because of his exhaustion. STILL NOT OKAY, and not an excuse for making the same mistake 3-4 times. And we do have a safe specifically for the guns. Every time I'd confront him he would get defensive, saying our son wouldn't even be able to shoot himself or anyone else with it for whatever reason..blah blah blah. Bullsh*t! You just don't take those kinds of chances! His gun doesn't even have a safety on it. 

I cannot tell you how furious I was with my husband and his reaction. I was to the point of either getting rid of his gun, or him. My childrens' safety come FIRST and FOREMOST, and it seemed he wasn't on the same page as me. 

I started showing him and talking to him about articles in the news of toddlers who were able to shoot themselves with their parents' guns. I talked to his dad who is a cop to get some advice and even asked him to talk to my husband about the seriousness of the issue. 

Sorry this ran a little long..but to make my point, we did fix the problem and it did help to reach out to family. He takes me and my feelings seriously, but is more likely to be defensive with me, especially when he makes a mistake. It was helpful for him to hear how stupid he was being from someone else. You never know what can happen and you can never be too careful when it comes to your kids' safety.. So maybe you should reach out to family to get some help. What about his parents?


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## northernlights

It's hard to tell if he gets the seriousness of it, because he really doesn't say much. I think he does. I'm sure I communicated it when I blew up at him later. 

I can't think of anything he could do anyway to get my trust back. I guess maybe if for the next few years he showed by his actions that he knows how to be safe and careful I could maybe trust him. I dunno, if that happens I guess I'll re-evaluate then.


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## northernlights

AsTheStoryGoes said:


> I'll share something completely stupid my husband used to do that made me FURIOUS. Maybe it will make you feel a little better, because you're not alone and you definitely have a right to not trust your husband.


Ugh, I'd be furious about that too! Good for you for getting him to change.

I have less hope for my husband. It's not like it's just one blind spot with him. He just honestly has no sense.


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## rj700

northernlights said:


> It's been over a year and I still can't get over it. I am afraid to trust him. If something happened to the kids on his watch, I would blame myself. I've had fair warning that he's not up to the job.
> 
> But how do I proceed? H feels like I'm punishing him. I'm not trying to, but I don't know how to communicate that I just can't trust someone who would do something like this.


So this is all something that happened a year ago? How old is your husband? 

I can understand your position, particularly around water. We wouldn't even leave ours in the bathtub unattended at that age. I don't know that a parenting book is going to help, this is a basic safety issue. He has to understand with little ones that bad things can happen in an instant and he has to not just watch out for them, but anticipate dangers because they are not able to. If he doesn't understand this, then perhaps some MC sessions? Might help with the communication issues too.


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## northernlights

He's 38, so I can't count on him growing out of it. 

We've discussed MC, and he went to one session of individual counseling, but I don't know what's become of that. He told me that the counselor had him role play what he thought I would say about our marriage, and that was confusing to me... is it marriage counseling without me, or is this a common technique in IC? I asked him to ask the counselor if we could please both go (we live in his home country, so I can't call the office myself, I don't speak the language well enough), and I think he just cancelled the appointment. But he won't tell me these kinds of things. I could ask him, but I'm trying to back off and let him take the lead here. Maybe that's a stupid idea, I don't know. I just want him to show initiative in the marriage, and I've realized that if I keep doing these things, I'm not giving him the chance to show me that he's willing to do it. So, I'm waiting.


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## johnnycomelately

I have had similar issues with my wife, so it is not necessarily a gender thing. 

I think that your first duty is to your kids. You have sanity checked this on this forum and most people seem to agree that your husband is in the wrong. I would question why he would want to play basketball rather than swim with the kids in the first place. 

I would suggest that you have someone neutral to talk to, someone your husband would trust to be neutral, and discuss this without anger and recrimination. You need to have back up to make it clear that there is consensus on his behaviour and that this is about the safety of your kids, not an issue between the two of you.. 

He needs to take a long hard look at himself and find a way to win back your trust and figure out what is important.

Good luck.


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## Lyris

Playing basketball? He is insane. I think I would consider leaving my husband if he put our daughters in such danger.

I'm sorry, I have no real advice except don't let him take them anywhere hazardous without you until they are older.


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## northernlights

Lyris said:


> Playing basketball? He is insane. I think I would consider leaving my husband if he put our daughters in such danger.


It's actually one (of multiple) reasons I do NOT want a divorce. I wouldn't trust him to have them unsupervised, and I wouldn't want to do that to their relationship with him. I think a healthy relationship with their father is so, so important, and I'm willing to do anything I can to foster that.


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## Moiraine

Reading your post, it almost sounds like your husband might have some neurological problem. I would be really curious to see what his MRI looks like to see if there's any brain lesion or damage.


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## DrDavidCOlsen

The concerns you are raising are of course serious. The danger, however, if of creating a "parent - child" dynamic with him where you become the critical mother, and he becomes the irresponsible adolescent. Try getting him to go to a parenting class with you, or better yet, see a skilled marriage and family therapist, for a few sessions with parenting as the focus. That could be well worth the investment. DrDavidCOlsen, The Couple's Survival Workbook


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## Benevolence

Does he have ADD? Does he have the attention span of a dead dog?

Could he possibly think hey I survived without supervision, my kids would too? 

You were right to be pissed, your story almost sent me into a panic attack because it brought back memories of when I nearly drowned as a kid. The water kept pulling me in deeper, like your child, I was not wearing a life jacket.


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## northernlights

DrDavidCOlsen said:


> The concerns you are raising are of course serious. The danger, however, if of creating a "parent - child" dynamic with him where you become the critical mother, and he becomes the irresponsible adolescent. Try getting him to go to a parenting class with you, or better yet, see a skilled marriage and family therapist, for a few sessions with parenting as the focus. That could be well worth the investment. DrDavidCOlsen, The Couple's Survival Workbook


I can't say I agree that the danger here is our dynamic. A danger, yes, but not THE danger.

Anyway, it's possible I suppose that a therapist would help. I've bought and read lots of books on parenting, starting even before the kids were born, and tried to get DH to read them too so we could discuss them, but he never did. I tried just summarizing parts for him, and he will listen to me talk, but he has never really engaged in a conversation about things like discipline. Still, I don't see this particular problem as a discipline issue, more of a common sense issue. I don't see how a parenting class could teach him common sense.


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## northernlights

Benevolence said:


> Does he have ADD? Does he have the attention span of a dead dog?
> 
> Could he possibly think hey I survived without supervision, my kids would too?
> 
> You were right to be pissed, your story almost sent me into a panic attack because it brought back memories of when I nearly drowned as a kid. The water kept pulling me in deeper, like your child, I was not wearing a life jacket.


His attention span is ok i think. There are probably few things besides a basketball hoop that would capture his attention to the point where he would risk letting our kids drown, though food might do it too.

I'm sorry that this brought back bad memories for you. :-(


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## costa200

When i started reading this i thought this was going to be one of those "mummy" threads where a woman complains about her kids being in contact sports and taking some risks... You know, mummy being mummy trying to protect the cubs. But when i read the stuff in the examples... YIKES!


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## WishesOn

Sad to say but it may take something horrible happening in order to wake your husband up. Maybe not even then. I would say that if it was me then I would first and foremost pray pray pray. Secondly, I would find a father who was inattentive and something bad DID happen to their child who maybe now speaks about his mistake. They are out there somewhere. If you can't find someone to use as an example then definately get others to speak with your husband and all of the bad things that could have happened in all the instances you have described. He needs to hear it from other people and then he needs to submit to the fact that he is not as aware of what is dangerous and what is not and allow you to be that voice of reason. You should not have to parent your husband and if he realizes that his judgement is not that great and he loves his kids then he has to realize this is a weakness for him and is one of your strengths. In a marriage we balance eachother out. Your strengths may be his weaknesses and his strengths may be your weakness. Your husband is your partner in life and you are there to lean on eachother. Try not to treat it like a punishment that he can't be trusted with the kids. If you both realize that he has no common sense when it comes to safety and just accept it and work out a plan together on how to keep the kids safe then it's an easier pill to swallow. It's all in the approach. Try not to treat him like he is being punished. Your mutual goals should be to keep the kids safe. He is doing his part by looking to you for what is safe and not safe but he has to be willing to submit to that and listen to your opinion. He is not doing his part if he discounts your opinion. 

I am not sure this is a good idea or not but my first instinct in your situation would have been to get the kids out of the water and leave. I wouldn't have even looked for him. Of course I am the kind of person that blows up easily when it comes to the protection of my children and I would have had to leave in order to regain my own composure. 

I too am struggling with something similar and answering your question has helped me answer my own. My husband put our daughter's car seat in our vehicle and left installing it for later. He was in a hurry that day. One month later I just am now realizing he never installed it!! Part of this IS my own fault. I should have been checking the toddler car seat every single time I put her in it but I trust that my husband installed it correctly. This could have cost my daughter's life. When I realized her seat was not installed at all it felt like someone was ripping the floor out from under me. He has made mistakes before with things. nothing intentional but still dumb like walking away while she was in the tub and she split her chin open, leaving the gate open and lef the room and she climbed up the stairs and then fell down the stairs. Even when bad things happen my husband still doesn't seem to gain attentiveness when it comes to safety. 100% of his mistakes are pure thoughtlessness. I am totally starting to think my husband has ADD or something. So he and I are going to have to work together to figure out an answer to this problem. I'll be asking for his input. Is he working too hard? Not sleeping enough? Has he taken on too much? Does he have an undiagnosed problem? Can I help out more so he is not so distracted? Finding out what the issue is together is important. We both agree that our daughter's saftey is important to both of us and so we will go from there. 
My husband was neglected as a child. Is it possible that your husband was somehow neglected as well and left to fend for himself a bit growing up?


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## oliviapeter31

northernlights said:


> But how do I proceed? H feels like I'm punishing him. I'm not trying to, but I don't know how to communicate that I just can't trust someone who would do something like this. These are my kids! They're my heart and soul.
> 
> What would you do? What would you tell your spouse when they insisted that nothing like this would happen again? Is it as bad as I think it is?


First thing to do is to tell your husband how he should treat your kids for safety. If you can't trust him, don't leave your kids with him.


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## northernlights

WishesOn said:


> I too am struggling with something similar and answering your question has helped me answer my own. My husband put our daughter's car seat in our vehicle and left installing it for later. He was in a hurry that day. One month later I just am now realizing he never installed it!!


I've been here too. Our oldest is 7.5, so we've had carseats for a long time now, but I can't rely on him to install one either. That's just a given now, and I'm the only one who touches the carseats. Oh my, last year I was gone for the morning (on a retreat with the church, it was something I really needed), and I stupidly left him the 4 year old's carseat to put in another car. Well, I got home and found out that he'd set the carseat on the seat, harnessed her in, and buckled the seatbelt over that. Are you freaking kidding me? He didn't even call to ask. It's a britax, too, so the manual is attached to the carseat. Sigh... 

What's hardest for me about the day-to-day safety stuff is that I feel like I have to be on 100% of the time to keep my kids safe, and no one is capable of 100%. So it's an unrealistic level of performance for me, and it's stressful and exhausting to try to maintain it. 

I've just accepted now that I can't let him supervise the kids by himself. I also don't trust his mom with the kids, not because I've ever seen her neglect safety, but I figure he learned this behavior from somewhere... Guilt by association I guess, which might be unfair but I just can't take that risk.


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## StargateFan

I know the issues are larger than water safety, but have him look at the CDC website. Drowning is the #1 leading cause of death 0-5 and #2 0-14. 

OP if you could not see a guard from the pool, never go back and report them to the state. The Red Cross can help you. 

This would have to be the worst possible way to lose a child. In almost all cases it is YOUR fault. How would you feel if you sent your child off to college and they drowned at a party ?

To all parents. Leaning how to swim is not an option. Not knowing how to ride bike, play soccer, baseball, basketball WILL NOT KILL YOU. 

This clicked it my head three years ago when I saw how my terrified my boys were at pool. (4 and 7 ) I took charge. I put them in 1x week group lessons, supplemented with private lessons, studied the techniques of the instructors and applied them 2x a week at the Y. The Aquatics Director was so impressed she asked if I wanted to become an instructor and I accepted. This gave me a substantial discount and provided extra funds for lessons and eventually the swim team. Last year I even took the Red Cross Lifeguard course. Training for that got me in a lot better shape. Nothing like being 45 and having to keep with teenagers. 

Some kids really take to swimming, some do not and need a lot of extra work. (like mine). If you took piano or violin lessons and never practiced how well do you think that would work out? Only had your kid read once a week or do math once a week? How about even less ?

The older a child gets the harder it is to teach them to swim. The latest you should start is 3. If you are around water frequently or have any type of pool you should start with a Float for Life class at 6-8 months. It is amazing to watch a 15 month old be able to roll to their back and kick to side of the pool. Instruction should be continuos, year round, until they can swim at least 100 yards non stop and tread for a minimum of 5 minutes (fully clothed). 

My kids are not athletic and never had a chance of winning a 1st place on swim team but they now know how to swim well and know how to respect the water. They will have the skills to become lifeguards at 15. Being a lifeguard is a position of extreme responsibility and I consider one of the best jobs a teenager can get. They are always in demand.


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## Zing

Northernlights I want to write sooo much ... but I'm running late for a dinner appointment... I'll get back to your other thread after the weekend...
however, the 'pier' thingy terrified me 100 times more than the pool incident.. I guess cos I've had and witnessed a few 'pool' incidents... and whatever it is since the water's shallower, clearer and there's always someone around... its MARGINALLY safer... but leaving a child on a pier railing and standing 5 feet away... I think I'd have a nervous breakdown... 

He is not careful enough, but I wouldn't jump to conclusions that he has ADD etc...the thing is he doesn't want to attempt to learn/be careful with his own children and he's supposed to be their main protector/provider...that shows ignorance and stubbornness more than anything...
For example, my husband is a very intelligent person otherwise but even he's done a few silly mistakes himself (and even I wouldn't deny that I've taken one or two things a bit casually and learnt the hard way too though nothing as close to what you've said...)... what's different is that we learnt from it never to repeat it... 
That's not the case with your husband! With the fact that he's not helpful around the house, you can try and test different methods to convince him...at worst, housework doesn't get done... 
but with this issue there's no possibility of taking chances... with children you can never even afford to take a risk.. so other than using gentle means like parental Counselling, advice from a friend/relative you both trust, reading books etc and hoping he'd change (probably by the time the children would grow out of needing supervision lol)... but, there's nothing much you can do... YOU HAVE TO BE THERE WITH THEM DEAR... all the time... 

P.S. Stargate fan your post has really given me a wake-up call...I'm a good swimmer, my husband's not... (my sister had a near-drown incident in this dinner pool party......she wasn't a swimmer so my dad had to get into the pool with his formal shoes/suit to get her out - and this was the baby pool....to this date she's scared of water. Even I had a scare sometime later but since I'm a swimmer I sorta regrouped myself and sorted myself out) yet, I've never realized the importance of teaching my children (2 and 4 yr olds) swimming...sheesh this is definitely my next assignment coming summer...


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## Haras

Really no judge is going to rule that a man like that has unsupervised access. Leave him and the brain ache


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## Anxietystricken

I have a similar situation. My husband has a screen addiction and walks around looking at his phone all the time. We are going to be divorced and I am terrified of him having my children every other weekend. He will not learn anything and is in denial that he has a problem. When you are splitting up it is tough because people will think you are trying to play games to keep your children away from your ex-spouse, but that it not it: this is a very real concern about my children's safety with regard to someone who has shown poor judgement. I just e-mailed him the recent story about the mother of three who became aware of two well-dressed men circling her and her children throughout an IKEA store. Her awareness was the difference between safety and her children being abducted. He will delete it and not read it. I know he will. I wish he would just disappear so that I can be relieved of this terrible anxiety I have. I'm going to start counseling my children, ages 12 and 9, on how to spot when they are being stalked, and I am going to have to point out to them that Daddy doesn't always pay attention. If he ever tried to take them on a trip or through an airport I think I would have a breakdown.


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## EleGirl

@Anxietystricken ;

This is a 5-year-old thread. The person who started it is long gone from this site.

If you would like to, please start a thread of your own in the General Relationship Discussion forum. That way people can give you support/input.


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