# Should I get a divorce?



## fredfredson (Sep 19, 2012)

I got married under strange circumstances. When I was 22 I used to be mormon. I was obeying all the commandments, including the ones about no sex and no masturbation. After your mormon mission, the pressure is on from everywhere (especially between your legs) to get married FAST. So I married the first pretty girl I could get to go on a date with me. I knew we didn't have tons in common, but we were both mormon and I believed my church when they said that was all that mattered. I was that brainwashed.

4 years and 2 kids later, we're both depressed. We don't really know what to do together and we don't have much to talk about. When I get home from work, we try to think of things to do but usually can't come up with anything and just end up watching TV. We're going through marriage counseling to try and salvage the marriage, and I've also done individual counseling.

So today was our anniversary and on the drive home she asked if I'm happy I married her. I tried to answer quickly and move on, but she was persistent and we ended up talking about all of the above. I also basically said I'm not sure I want to be married to her anymore. Now she's crushed, even more depressed, furious with me, and extremely worried about the kids and how she could take care of them since she doesn't have a job (SAHM) and her degree is in Music Science. She even told me to stay away from "her" daughter.

She's also wondering what's wrong with me. Now, I know exactly what's wrong with me but I can't tell her. In addition to what I already said, I feel sexually unfulfilled, have lost my desire for sex with her, and yearn deeply for adventurous sex with other women. Every day that passes I get more stressed out and worried that I'll be too old for that before I ever have the opportunity. (I made a thread about it here: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-c...er-married-men-struggle-urge-other-women.html.) I feel like a scumbag for admitting that, but it's my honest feelings. I'm choosing not to do it, but I don't know if it's possible for me to not do it and not be miserable at the same time ...

So. What do I do now? What do I tell her?


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## east2west (Oct 19, 2012)

What have you done to try to increase the sexual intimacy in your marriage? If I read your post correctly it did not even come up during your big talk. If you could get her to open up sexually you might find that your other concerns become less significant.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

In my humble opinion...

So in a nutshell. You are thinking of cheating because you want to have sex with another women. You may end your marriage to get a differrent sex partner. This is making you depressed or are you depressed which is making you think you need to move on from your family?

I think the fact that you admit you are depressed is where you need to base all you current actions. Chicken or egg. I would guess your depression came first which is why you are thinking wayward. 

What we put into a marriage is what we get out of it. It is amazing for those of us who have been through it and saved it to see that looking through new eyes at what we already have can have such a great impact on what we get back.

Have you ever seen the movie "Its a wonderful Life"?

Depression ends, its a fog. Stop thinking about sex with another till you give your wife and kids your best effort to save your current marriage!


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## Lily_O (Dec 17, 2012)

Hey OP.
Have you guys left the church yet, or are u both still TBM?
I was also LDS until I left 4 yrs ago.
Unless someone has been in a church like that it is difficult to understand the cultural pressures and the damage it can do to sexual intimacy, especially for women.
I am guessing that, like most LDS women, she is incredibly repressed sexually, and probably in many other ways too. 
The church messes with everyone, but what it does to women should be criminal.

If you guys are out of the church, I would suggest taking some time to deprogram from that first, then decide together of you want to get to know each other and find happiness in what, for all intent and purpose, is an arranged marriage.

Also, if u haven't been there, the people on the recovery board on exmormon.com can be very helpful and understand the added complexity that mormonism brings to these kinds of situations.

A few things to think about:
The grass only seems greener on the other side of the fence
Because you have children with this woman, she will always be in your life anyway
It will be much easier to have an influential roll in your kids lives if u work it out with their mom ( do u want a TBM stepdad or in laws helping to raise them as good little brainwashed TBM's?)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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