# I want to leave my husband...HOW?!



## mom1.2 (Mar 13, 2014)

This is a great forum! I had NO idea how many people are going through this...
On August 23 I found out my husband is having an emotional affair and physical I am sure with a young woman at work...
I thought I would die... I did not.
Here we are 7 months later - I still do not know what to do - he is still having the affair with her, she puts her own pictures in his phone, when they go out drinking - EVERY WEEK, a few times a week. He comes home always at 4pm sharp, not a minute before or after 4... Which always puzzled me. 
He used to come with glitter and lipsrick all over his clothes, smelling of bath and body works products, she has taken his house keys before, his phone... Pretty much does whatever she wants...
I have a 2 year old son and am 4 months pregnant. I was a stay at home mom for 2 years and rushed and got a job as soon as I found out about the affair. 
My husband is always lying to me - I have no idea, what is true and what is a lie...
We own the house together... I do want to leave because do not want to allow for the lies to continue.
She calls him from a blocked number a lot, they are together 6 days a week at work and on his only day off she still calls him in am for 40 minutes on the phone - that is the only time he can spend with his son...
Last week she was away on vacation and for a week my husband was his old self - caring, always home, taking care of his son and the house... As soon as she came back - he is gone again...
He is always cancelling our arrangements together to be with her or on her demand.
Constantly switches his schedule...
But when he comes home late at night, early morning he cries and tells me he is suffering, that he loves me and his kids and never wants to leave.
Hearing all that makes me physically sick...
Thoughts?
Is he in love?


----------



## TheFlood117 (Mar 24, 2013)

"Thoughts"


Yeah. Just a few. 

Divorce. File first. Take kids. Take house. Take half his stuff. 

Pretty simple. 

After he's financial ruined and has no kids and no house, then he can live with ho OW full time. 

It's' really a win, win for him methinks. 

By the way, sorry you are here. 

But, if you won't stand up for yourself who will???


----------



## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Exactly, let her have "him" (it).
Lawyer, ASAP.
Play stupid untill all the doks are lined up and document, document, document meanwhile.
Search for the 180 and implement, live it. Pretend he's not there.

From now on it's all about how are you going to life your life with out the dead weight.


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I'm so sorry he's doing this to you 

You need to see a lawyer. Get your ducks in a row then slap him with D papers. Tell him you want him to move out - you can't force him to, but you can certainly tell him what you want. Who knows, maybe he will actually move out - that's good for you if he does.

Here's a link for you to read

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...e-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html#post430739


----------



## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

You need to kill the A and then decide if you want to R or D

1. Stop having sex with him. See your OB GYN today and tell them you need to be checked for STD's
2. File for D and have him served and served at work
3. Expose the A your family and friends, do not tell him you are going to do this just get it done
4. Throw his stuff on the lawn and tell him to stay with that POS OW.

He need a cold dose of reality and he needs to know you are not a doormat to put up with his BS!!!!

I am a big fan of R but you have to start the D either way to make him wake up and take notice


----------



## mom1.2 (Mar 13, 2014)

Thank guys - he is NOT moving out - I started with anger threats months ago, then begged him to leave, am currently doing 180 living my own life, turning opposite direction BUT he still won't leave...
The OW is 24, married to a 60 year old with a 5 year old son...
THATS WHY he won't leave... Has nowhere to go.


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Tell the OW husband.

See a lawyer stat.


----------



## mom1.2 (Mar 13, 2014)

I worked very hard building our life together for 12 years... A lot invested... If I file for divorce right now - we both will be left with nothing, my son also and the new baby...
I am looking to possibly get separated but live under the same roof for now - until at least the baby is born...
How can I MAKE him leave/move out - that would be ideal - since he is the one who ended the marriage.


----------



## mom1.2 (Mar 13, 2014)

The OW HUSBAND KNOWS!!!! And allows for it to go on, he probably doesn't want to loose his little son...


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

YOU NEED TO SEE A LAWYER. Only she/he can advise you on legalities. I doubt you can MAKE him move out.

What are you trying to accomplish if you don't want D? The title of your thread is misleading if you aren't wanting D.

As for being left with nothing - you will get half of everything will you not? You said you own a house - is there no equity in it?

I left my first husband with nothing but a suitcase and my three kids. That was in 1998. Today I am remarried, own a house and an SUV and a camping trailer and have a great job. The kids are all grown and we travel quite a bit. Last year we bought a hot tub, this year we're doing renos on the house. Life is pretty good  But there's no WAY I'd be here with my ex.


----------



## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

mom1.2 said:


> I worked very hard building our life together for 12 years... A lot invested... If I file for divorce right now - we both will be left with nothing, my son also and the new baby...
> I am looking to possibly get separated but live under the same roof for now - until at least the baby is born...
> How can I MAKE him leave/move out - that would be ideal - since he is the one who ended the marriage.


see a lawyer.

first get your ducks in a row. find a check sheet on what to take to your lawyer and start gathering the stuff. try to get hard evidence that your scum bag husband is cheating it could help your case(not always but worth it if you can).start a seceret savings account. 

if he threatens you or hits you at all call the cops. 

stay strong for your kids!!!! many people survive much worse. and you will also!!


----------



## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Have you talked to an attorney? Not sure what state you're in but that will perhaps make a difference in what approach to take in respect to what you want out of the deal. If you have any kind of proof of an affair, you are likely in the cat bird seat given your condition. (even in so called no fault states. But to maximize your position, you may want to seek a jury trial. Ideally, if I were your attorney, I'd want to go for it when you were 7+ months along or carrying a new born)


----------



## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Filing for D is not the same as going through with it. The exposure to his family and getting D papers from a pregnant wife while he is at work does a great deal to end the A which is what you want.

To save a marriage you have be willing to end a marriage. The only thing that is going to work is pain for him. Right now no pain.

An please explain why you allowed yourself to get knocked up if you knew he was cheating!!!!


----------



## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Does his parents know?
Does his job know?
Exposure is a great tool to make affairs unfun.
And I agree, how can you have allowed yourself to have sex with him let along get pregnant?


----------



## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

mom1.2 said:


> The OW HUSBAND KNOWS!!!! And allows for it to go on, he probably doesn't want to loose his little son...


HOW do you know this?

From what your husband tells you?

If you are relying on your husband for accurate information.... STOP.

He's a LIAR.

Contact OW Husband to confirm (if you haven't yet).


----------



## mom1.2 (Mar 13, 2014)

mahike said:


> Filing for D is not the same as going through with it. The exposure to his family and getting D papers from a pregnant wife while he is at work does a great deal to end the A which is what you want.
> 
> To save a marriage you have be willing to end a marriage. The only thing that is going to work is pain for him. Right now no pain.
> 
> An please explain why you allowed yourself to get knocked up if you knew he was cheating!!!!


Both families know - mine and his - ironically my family was if not defending him but at least asking me to consider staying married and not taking the son away from him... His also - he is from another culture (south asian) so am I (eastern european)... In our cultures families are involved in everything and divorce is a last resort BUT I still want it since after giving it a shot (at fixing I mean) 7 months later - there is still that b**h budging into my marriage and my life. Honestly, I would settle things with her directly - but don't want to waste my breath. When my husband dared to introduce us - I pretended I was deaf and walked right by... 
I was HOPING to save my family and forgot to add I LOVE my husband. I do not know if I still do - I did 4 months ago - when I got pregnant ;-) I always wanted to have two children - at my age it was now or never anyway...No the baby was definitely not planned. But the weird part we were both VERY happy with the news, even given the situation... We both are still very happy and excited to welcome the new baby... I know it is just plain weird. Our sex is great - better than ever - to make things even more weird...Although I did move to a different room - but that was just very recent... And just because some OW decided she owns my husband who says I should lose the right to have sex with him - afterall I do not have anyone else and never did and never will unless of couse the divorce is done and I have time for a BF with two tiny kids on my hands. ;-)


----------



## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

My heart goes out to you. I hope you follow the advice the other posters are giving you. You need to take control back of your life. You need to talk to an attorney and find out your options. I would suggest you follow the 180 plan. 180 is an incredible approach for dealing with these kind of issues. Not only does help you separate your feelings and emotions but it helps show the WS just exactly where they stand. I wished I would have known about it when I went through my mess. 

I am sorry you are even having to deal with this.

Clay


----------



## mom1.2 (Mar 13, 2014)

Allen_A said:


> HOW do you know this?
> 
> From what your husband tells you?
> 
> ...


Good point... I got a call from a VERY drunk mutual friend one night who said that my husband came to him and confessed everything to him and told him that other woman was persuing him... But yes, I still doubt it, and think that was a set up.
But why would I contact her husband? 
My mom is suggesting the same thing - but why? What does it do for my marriage or myself? So it will stir up some stuff on her side, cause fights and screaming - which I already know are there, possibly a divorce. Her son is older than mine - he understands more and would be witnessing everything. I do not want to do this to her family although she did it to mine and continues to... Honestly, my husband is more than a willing participant - it is ALL HIS FAULT - he did it, what she did, does or will do, or her husband is none of my business, d not want to give her any attention or credit or enable her in any way. I can only worry about my family or what's left of it.


----------



## mom1.2 (Mar 13, 2014)

Clay2013 said:


> My heart goes out to you. I hope you follow the advice the other posters are giving you. You need to take control back of your life. You need to talk to an attorney and find out your options. I would suggest you follow the 180 plan. 180 is an incredible approach for dealing with these kind of issues. Not only does help you separate your feelings and emotions but it helps show the WS just exactly where they stand. I wished I would have known about it when I went through my mess.
> 
> I am sorry you are even having to deal with this.
> 
> Clay


Clay thank you - can you tell me more about this 180 approach, I think I understand it but would love to know more about it


----------



## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

mom1.2 said:


> Clay thank you - can you tell me more about this 180 approach, I think I understand it but would love to know more about it


Here is a link to it. 

The Healing Heart: The 180

I really hope your day is better. 

Clay


----------



## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

mom1.2 said:


> Good point... I got a call from a VERY drunk mutual friend one night who said that my husband came to him and confessed everything to him and told him that other woman was persuing him... But yes, I still doubt it, and think that was a set up.
> But why would I contact her husband?
> My mom is suggesting the same thing - but why? What does it do for my marriage or myself? So it will stir up some stuff on her side, cause fights and screaming - which I already know are there, possibly a divorce. Her son is older than mine - he understands more and would be witnessing everything. I do not want to do this to her family although she did it to mine and continues to... Honestly, my husband is more than a willing participant - it is ALL HIS FAULT - he did it, what she did, does or will do, or her husband is none of my business, d not want to give her any attention or credit or enable her in any way. I can only worry about my family or what's left of it.


It is completely your business what is going on in her family as long as she is f'ing your husband. I took the high road and it burned me bad! blow the doors off the affair and let everyone know. Sunlight kills A's. For both of them they are having fun, you need to make them explain things to his Mom and Dad, Sister........ She needs to have the wind knocked out of her sails.

We have seen this so much. You know what to do but you are frozen by fear and shame. The shame is his and not yours. Expose and do it know while you have resolve.

Also do not believe anything your husband tells you, cheaters are liars. Post them on Cheatersville!


----------



## Hemingway (Jul 19, 2013)

So sorry you are here. You are already getting some excellent advise. Please lawyer up soon.


----------



## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Reading your last post. I am very sure you will only do the things you want to do and that will not get you the results you want.

You should not be sleeping with him if he is still doing this other women. Are you even thinking about the health of your baby? Sex is not going to win him back.

Unless you play hardball with him this will continue and you will continue to be a doormat.


----------



## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Your husband is walking all over you. This will continue to be your life as long as you let it.

See a lawyer ASAP to find out how you can separate. Do the 180. Stop taking his cr*p. He can ruin his life, but he has no right to ruin yours and your children. Protect your children. Stop taking this from him as of this minute.


----------



## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

Believing a man (your husband) who is cheating on you and proven himself to be a liar is naive and foolish. You can't trust him as far as you can throw him so it is your job to make sure that this affair is exposed to the other woman's husband instead of believing your husband's words. 

Contact the other woman's husband because:

He deserves to know what is going on. It is the moral thing to do.

If he knows, he has the chance to blow up the affair on his end - expose to his family and friends, confront his wife and file for a D.

Often betrayed spouses work together to blow up the affair and put an end to it. (Not going to lie, sometimes they want to bury their heads in the sand). However, knowledge is power. You have the gift of knowledge and are keeping it all to yourself when that knowledge doesn't only belong to you but to the other woman's husband. Again, it's the moral thing to do. 


Exposing an affair removes the fantasy aspect. Right now they live in la-la land, in a romantic fantasy with sugar and spice. This affair is soooo romantic - two star-crossed soul-mate schmoopies in a forbidden love. PUKE!

Exposing the affair makes them look at what's really going on and is a wake-up call for many spouses. It makes them realize that it isn't a romantic fairy-tale but a hurtful fantasy.... one with real and tangible social, financial, moral, marital consequences. Right now you are letting them continue to live in this fantasy world and letting your husband disrespect you, your child and your unborn child. He is not going to stop. Why should he? You let him have his cake and eat it too.

Not only would I expose to OW's husband, you need to expose to the work place. Many places of work frown upon or condemn inter-office romances. Add the element of an affair to it and somebody's got to go. So long as they are working together, the affair will continue. Even if he did stop the affair, the temptation would always be there.


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Have you ever heard of STD's?? They can kill unborn babies.

Not to mention the fact that by having sex with your husband, you're letting him have his cake and eat it too! He must just be laughing at you behind your back - I mean you KNOW he's sleeping with another woman, yet you continue to give him what he wants in the bedroom. He's got it made, hasn't he?

Have you read the newbie link I posted? 

And there is NO way you understand the 180 if you are still having sex with him.

Sometimes I wonder why I waste my time posting the same thing over and over and over to people like the OP. Maybe one person in a hundred ever actually does what they need to. It totally blows my mind that people just ACCEPT that their spouse is screwing around, bury their heads in the sand and just carry on with their life. Are people really that desperate to stay married to these cheaters who throw their cheating in their faces? There are 7 BILLION other people on this planet. If someone feels that they just MUST have a spouse in order to be happy (HUGE mistake IMO), then go find one that isn't a scumbag.


----------



## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

What do you mean how?

What the hell is wrong with you lady??? You need to get some self respect. Why the hell would you still be there? He obviously despises you because he flaunts this affair in your face. He treats you like a doormat because you act like one. File for divorce NOW. STOP talking to him and for god's sake STOP giving him sex. Who knows where the hell he's put that thing. Alone forever is better than one more day spent with this a$$hole.

Stop wasting your time on this forum and go handle your business now.


----------



## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> Have you ever heard of STD's?? They can kill unborn babies.
> 
> ...
> 
> Sometimes I wonder why I waste my time posting the same thing over and over and over to people like the OP. Maybe one person in a hundred ever actually does what they need to. It totally blows my mind that people just ACCEPT that their spouse is screwing around, bury their heads in the sand and just carry on with their life. Are people really that desperate to stay married to these cheaters who throw their cheating in their faces? There are 7 BILLION other people on this planet. If someone feels that they just MUST have a spouse in order to be happy (HUGE mistake IMO), then go find one that isn't a scumbag.


OP, please take note of Hope's very important point about STD's.

And as to why the OP's won't listen? I think it boils down to fear.

I keep posting, too....


----------



## mom1.2 (Mar 13, 2014)

Hope1964 said:


> Have you ever heard of STD's?? They can kill unborn babies.
> 
> Not to mention the fact that by having sex with your husband, you're letting him have his cake and eat it too! He must just be laughing at you behind your back - I mean you KNOW he's sleeping with another woman, yet you continue to give him what he wants in the bedroom. He's got it made, hasn't he?
> 
> ...


Totally uncalled for - I came here for adivice. I asked 'how?" because I wanted to hear how others have done it - I mean left their husbands. I only took the - what I see now is called 180 approach - about 2 weeks ago - And I am NOT sleeping with my husband. I did before because - if you read my posts carefully - I wanted the marriage to survive, my husband swore it was over, but I found out he lied, I no longer do want to stay in the marriage. We are living in two separate rooms but IN THE SAME house. He WON'T leave - I have no money to leave with two kids, we co-own the house but my husband pays all the bills. I have no family or friends to go to. Everyone is oversees. I do have a job though and am saving all my money.


----------



## mom1.2 (Mar 13, 2014)

BetrayedDad said:


> What do you mean how?
> 
> What the hell is wrong with you lady??? You need to get some self respect. Why the hell would you still be there? He obviously despises you because he flaunts this affair in your face. He treats you like a doormat because you act like one. File for divorce NOW. STOP talking to him and for god's sake STOP giving him sex. Who knows where the hell he's put that thing. Alone forever is better than one more day spent with this a$$hole.
> 
> Stop wasting your time on this forum and go handle your business now.


And where do you suggest I go?!! Live in my car with a two year old? Go to a shelter? Why should I? I own the house - why should I leave I have not done anything wrong. 

If I file for divorce where am I supposed to go/live?

I do have a lawyer but I do not want to initiate the divorce. I have no money to pay and certainly no money to hire a PI... I juist want to be left alone but he just won't leave...


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

mom1.2 said:


> Totally uncalled for - And I am NOT sleeping with my husband.


Sorry, that is not at all what you said here



mom1.2 said:


> Our sex is great - better than ever - to make things even more weird...Although I did move to a different room - but that was just very recent... And just because some OW decided she owns my husband who says I should lose the right to have sex with him


Everything we're recommending you are coming up with excuses as to why it won't work, or else saying you are doing it (the 180) then proving with your next words that you aren't.

You keep contradicting yourself. Do you want to divorce or don't you?

If you want to read how I did it, read the link in my signature.

Have you read the newbie link yet?? 

Have you contacted a lawyer yet?

Here's my first post to you, none of which you have done, or if you have you haven't acknowledged it.



Hope1964 said:


> I'm so sorry he's doing this to you
> 
> You need to see a lawyer. Get your ducks in a row then slap him with D papers. Tell him you want him to move out - you can't force him to, but you can certainly tell him what you want. Who knows, maybe he will actually move out - that's good for you if he does.
> 
> ...


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

mom1.2 said:


> And where do you suggest I go?!! Live in my car with a two year old? Go to a shelter? Why should I? I own the house - why should I leave I have not done anything wrong.
> 
> If I file for divorce where am I supposed to go/live?
> 
> I do have a lawyer but I do not want to initiate the divorce. I have no money to pay and certainly no money to hire a PI... I juist want to be left alone but he just won't leave...


If you own the house, sell it.

I am glad to hear you DO have a lawyer. I am NOT glad to hear that you refuse to initiate a divorce. It can be stopped at any point, and MIGHT wake your husband up to the fact you mean business.

What would happen if you packed all your husbands belongings into garbage bags and put them out on the front lawn?


----------



## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

mom1.2 said:


> And where do you suggest I go?!! Live in my car with a two year old? Go to a shelter? Why should I? I own the house - why should I leave I have not done anything wrong.
> 
> If I file for divorce where am I supposed to go/live?
> 
> I do have a lawyer but I do not want to initiate the divorce. I have no money to pay and certainly no money to hire a PI... I juist want to be left alone but he just won't leave...


mom1.2, 

I don't know where you live, but if you live in the USA, you can file for either Separation or Divorce, and ask for a Temporary Hearing. At the hearing, the judge will decide who lives where and who pays who what amount. So while the case is moving forward, you would have a judge and the court to enforce either him or you moving out, and you would have a judge and the court to enforce that he continue paying bills or pay X amount of child support. 

Now, it's conceivable the judge may say that you move, and if his income is larger than yours he'll likely have to pay child support. Still, at least you'd be away from him and the court would be the muscle behind the decision rather than you just yelling at him (which he just ignores). He can NOT ignore a judge's order!

So if you don't want to file for divorce, that's cool. At least file for Separation, and ask for a Temporary Hearing. If you were to file today, you'd have the Temporary Hearing as quick as they can schedule it but usually a couple of weeks....so you'd have to make it for a few weeks. Then at the Temporary Hearing the judge makes rulings on who will live where, who will pay what to whom, and custody FOR AS LONG AS THE CASE IS GOING THROUGH COURT. So it's like he's saying "While this Separation is going through the court system, here's who will live where, who has custody, who pays what..." and he also makes a rule that your husband can't sell any of the big assets out from under you, etc. 

So:

#1 Go to a doc and get tested for STDs
#2 Go to a lawyer and at least file for Separation and ask for a Temporary Hearing 
#3 Set up your own bank account
#4 Read the newbie link and the 180 link, both found in my signature.


----------



## mom1.2 (Mar 13, 2014)

Hope1964 said:


> Sorry, that is not at all what you said here
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I do not want to file for divorce, I judt want him to leave, two weeks ago I moved to a different room and no we have not had sex since... I did not know WHAT 180 is but is what Ive been unknowingly doing during the last 2 weeks... And yes, I have a laywer


----------



## mom1.2 (Mar 13, 2014)

Hope1964 said:


> If you own the house, sell it.
> 
> I am glad to hear you DO have a lawyer. I am NOT glad to hear that you refuse to initiate a divorce. It can be stopped at any point, and MIGHT wake your husband up to the fact you mean business.
> 
> What would happen if you packed all your husbands belongings into garbage bags and put them out on the front lawn?


I did that - pack his stuff - he still keeps coming back - we BOTH own the house, so he has every right to be there. I cannot sell it... I need a place to live


----------



## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Helping you work out your rights and expectations with a divorce - including how to separate - is one of the things that lawyers do. This is what people are trying to say. Talk substantively with a lawyer about real steps towards divorce, which includes making sure that you don't have to live together AND that you and any children are financially taken care of.


----------



## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

You are afraid of something? What is it? No one should be willing to put up with this stuff

Hope is right just because you start a divorce does not mean you could not stop it.

My wife did not take things to heart until I started to divorce her.


----------



## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

mom1.2 said:


> I do not want to file for divorce, I judt want him to leave, two weeks ago I moved to a different room and no we have not had sex since... I did not know WHAT 180 is but is what Ive been unknowingly doing during the last 2 weeks... And yes, I have a laywer


They way to get him to leave is to do it legally which in this case would be filing for divorce/separation and getting a temporary order like AffairCare said.

I do not think you can force him out any other way since you are married.


----------



## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Have you exposed the affair at their work place?

Does their employer allow employees to sleep with each other?

Is the OW senior or junior in the hiararchy?


----------



## mom1.2 (Mar 13, 2014)

LongWalk said:


> Have you exposed the affair at their work place?
> 
> Does their employer allow employees to sleep with each other?
> 
> Is the OW senior or junior in the hiararchy?


He is her immidiate supervisor, she reports directly to him, he is a general manager, she sort of an assistant manager I guess.


----------



## mom1.2 (Mar 13, 2014)

mahike said:


> You are afraid of something? What is it? No one should be willing to put up with this stuff
> 
> Hope is right just because you start a divorce does not mean you could not stop it.
> 
> My wife did not take things to heart until I started to divorce her.


Yes, I was afraid prior to October - for about 6 weeks, because when I confronted him, he originally admitted to having the affair but then later denied it. He was calling me crazy, threatened to call the police when I tried to leave with my son. I had no job and no car :-((. Yes I was scared especially when he screamed divorce and thereatened to take my son away from me... I quickly went back to work, bought a car and placed my son in daycare near my work. I am a lot less afraid/scared now. The only thing I was scared of was of losing my son... I am not scared anymore, the roles are reversed now. I want to leave and he wants to stay... He didnt before - I honestly think the OW just doesnt want to leave her husband for mine... So he came crawling back to me. BUT they are still very close, he is still out with her day and night and it's lies, lies, lies... I can no longer stand it. 
My anger and self-respect finally won over fear... I'd rather risk everything but free myself from this situation... It is humiliating


----------



## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You may not want divorce, but talk to your lawyer about your formal options.

You've done well in your responses so far - getting a job and having your son taken care of. You're establishing your independence.

Ask your lawyer about formal separation and divorce. Make sure you know your rights. Get that ball rolling. If he won't stop contact with her, then you should begin to take the next steps.


----------



## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

mom1.2 said:


> it is ALL HIS FAULT - he did it, what she did, does or will do, or her husband is none of my business, d not want to give her any attention or credit or enable her in any way. I can only worry about my family or what's left of it.


You aren't giving her CREDIT by outing her to her husband.

You are HELPING her HUSBAND who may be in the SAME situation you are... OR he may still be out of the loop.

It is NOT just HIS fault, I assure you, she's NOT a child. She kNOWS what she is doing.

She is terrorizing your home and marriage
She is threatening the safety and stability of your home
She is disrespecting you, your marriage, AND your CHILDREN
She is trespassing in a marriage she is not part of

I can go on.

I am NOT suggesting your husband is not a willing participant.

my point is they BOTH are doing this TOGETHER.

Outing HER to her husband is a matter of courtesy to the husband. If YOU didn't know your spouse was cheating and someone else DID know, you would want them to inform you.. wouldn't you? Would be pretty frustrated at someone just sitting out watching the train reck not saying a word to you?

Well, the OW's husband may very well be in that position. As a matter of courtesy you let them know.

I dont' know a SINGLE PERSON who says "no" to that question.

Everyone I have asked agrees it's best to put the other betrayed spouse in the loop as a matter of courtesy.

The ONLY concerns are YOUR safety. THAT is the only reason to hesitate on that.

Outing the OW puts the OW on the DEFENSIVE and she MAY retaliate. She may just show up at your home unannounced (happened to someone else on this forum).

In many cases this just throws the affair through a meat grinder and gets your husband on defensive as well. Rather than them playing around and giggling, they end up stressed out and fighting. Force reality down their throats to protect and assert yourself.

Her husband has every right to know in my opinion. The only variable to weigh is how much risk or danger does that put YOU in.


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I am totally confused as to what you are trying to accomplish. You say you will not divorce, yet you want him to leave. You say you've talked to a lawyer, yet you have no clue how to go about legally separating. You want to leave, you want your husband to leave, you don't want anyone to leave. My head is totally spinning and I frankly have no idea what your question even is any more.

Go to their workplace and tell human resources what is going on. Read the newbie link. Talk to your lawyer. Get STD tested. I don't know what else to tell you, and I really don't feel like wasting any more time telling it to you.


----------



## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

> I want to leave my husband...HOW?!


Start by getting an appointment with a good bulldog divorce attorney and do not let him know you are doing it. Get advice from him/her on what to do, how to do it, what your options are, and make plans before your husband even knows what is going on. That way you will be ahead of the game with him and can hopefully relax a little easier during the process.

As far as the "HOW?" in leaving him, ask your attorney about either staying in the house and negotiating how to pay your half of equity to your husband, or end up leaving, signing the house over to him in return for him paying you your share of the equity. That could either be a cash payment, or that much more you'd get out of his retirement.


----------



## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

mom1.2 said:


> I did that - pack his stuff - he still keeps coming back - we BOTH own the house, so he has every right to be there. I cannot sell it... I need a place to live


You FILE for DIVORCE. That will force a DIVISION of ASSETS including the HOME.

Then he has to buy you out, or you buy him out, or you both sell the home and both move under separate roofs.

DONE.

(A lawyer MUST have suggested this already)


----------



## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

mom1.2 said:


> Yes, I was afraid prior to October - for about 6 weeks, because when I confronted him, he originally admitted to having the affair but then later denied it. He was calling me crazy, threatened to call the police when I tried to leave with my son. I had no job and no car :-((. Yes I was scared especially when he screamed divorce and thereatened to take my son away from me...


Do NOT worry about his threats to take your son away. You are the mother. If you want custody of your son, you WILL get it. Just make sure if you end up leaving him you get a good divorce lawyer.

Like I said, if you go this route, you need to consult a lawyer without him knowing it, get the ball rolling and with an attorney's help you will have your ducks in a row by the time you have him served and he will be completely blind sided and have to play catch up.

Also if you go this route, you NEVER talk to him about the divorce. Any questions, you tell him to have his attorney talk to yours. And if you are worried about attorney's fees, do like I did. I took out a loan and paid it over 5 years.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

This is your last resort. Divorce. Best option.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## mom1.2 (Mar 13, 2014)

Allen_A said:


> You aren't giving her CREDIT by outing her to her husband.
> 
> You are HELPING her HUSBAND who may be in the SAME situation you are... OR he may still be out of the loop.
> 
> ...


[/I]

I definitely do not want to put myself being pregnant or my 2 year old who is defenceless in any kind of risk... I would honestly happily give up my husband - SHE CAN HAVE HIM - if that gurantees that I have to never see or hear from either one of them and most importantly I do not want her anywhere near my son! While I was working an hour away from home and my son was home with my husband I couldn't focus - so I finally moved him to daycare near my job, he is 15 minutes away and hour away from these two idiots. I honestly do not care what they do, they can giggle, sneak around whatever rocks their boat - they are equally pathetic...


----------



## ringyou57 (Jan 12, 2014)

My question is why is he interested in someone else??? Seems like a lot of middle aged married women really let themselves go... You know like "gain 100lbs"


----------



## mom1.2 (Mar 13, 2014)

Allen_A said:


> You FILE for DIVORCE. That will force a DIVISION of ASSETS including the HOME.
> 
> Then he has to buy you out, or you buy him out, or you both sell the home and both move under separate roofs.
> 
> ...


WE bought the house a few months back - no equity in it - if we sell it - I cannot afford rent... Relying on him paying anything to me - would be stupid on my part... I know the whole situation SUCKS and its all his fault!!!


----------



## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

Do you have family you can stay with or a friend to help you get on your feet. If not what about looking into assistance from the gov. There is nothing wrong for asking for help when you need it and it sounds like you really do. I think you do need to get yourself and the kids away from him. 

Did you check that 180 link I posted? 

Clay


----------



## mom1.2 (Mar 13, 2014)

ringyou57 said:


> My question is why is he interested in someone else??? Seems like a lot of middle aged married women really let themselves go... You know like "gain 100lbs"


hmmm, I can assure you I am not middle-aged and certainly am not 200 lbs ;-) Everything is in the right place and still will be after the second child - I assure you. 
He is an idiot - his loss, there are other 7bl ppl in this world like someone above said... Plus I have the most beautiful smartest and sweetest son and another beautiful baby on the way. We never had any problems in 12 years we've been together and honestly if he is so easily throwing it all away for some bimbo - do I really need him around?
I am not high maintenance and very easy-going, we never really faught - the worst thing ever would be over who forgot to take the trash or the dogs out...


----------



## mom1.2 (Mar 13, 2014)

Clay2013 said:


> Do you have family you can stay with or a friend to help you get on your feet. If not what about looking into assistance from the gov. There is nothing wrong for asking for help when you need it and it sounds like you really do. I think you do need to get yourself and the kids away from him.
> 
> Did you check that 180 link I posted?
> 
> Clay


I checked it out and no - no family, only overseas, and no friends I could really stay with. I have a beautiful home - that I upkeep, paint, fix, repair, clean, organize. A nice room for my kids - just why do I have to lose it all?! It really makes me MAD! Because he can't keep his pants on?! Then he has to get out! Obviously a decent man would at least leave and fibd a place but of course he is not decent because of what he did/doing...


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

ringyou57 said:


> My question is why is he interested in someone else??? Seems like a lot of middle aged married women really let themselves go... You know like "gain 100lbs"


Seriously?? I think you'd better do some more reading around here before you start with blaming the BS. 

mom1.2 ignore this crap.


----------



## Malpheous (May 3, 2013)

1.) There is always equity. Sometimes it's positive, other times it's negative.

2.) Split or stay together, your husband or later ex has the right to freedom of association. You can't control if this other woman has contact with your child(ren). A restraining order, but you have no grounds. You can put in a conservative overnight guest clause but they're generally unenforceable and typically written in a way that allow the other party to turn it around on you.

3.) You can't make another person do anything. You aren't a Judge withe ability to write a temporary order allowing you "exclusive Use of the Marital Home".

4.) In most states you won't be allowed to finalize a divorce until the completion of your pregnancy and healthy delivery of that child. (Congrats on the new one)

5.) He's your husband's son as well.


I too am confused though. All of the reasoning aside, you ask how to leave him but you refuse to divorce him. Here it is. You can be married and live with him. Yo can be divorced and be single. You can be separated to work on it. But if you have no intention of working it out, but want to be separated and have him out of the house.... What's your end game? Is it that you're worried the court won't make him provide enough for you?


Edit - A decent man wouldn't leave the children - Edit


----------



## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

mom1.2 said:


> I checked it out and no - no family, only overseas, and no friends I could really stay with. I have a beautiful home - that I upkeep, paint, fix, repair, clean, organize. A nice room for my kids - just why do I have to lose it all?! It really makes me MAD! Because he can't keep his pants on?! Then he has to get out! Obviously a *decent man* would at least leave and fibd a place but of course he is not decent because of what he did/doing...


The key is those words. Its not your fault he is not a decent man but now you know the truth. Could you find work? If you could would it be enough to pay for the house? Do you live in the US? 

Clay


----------



## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

mom1.2 said:


> Obviously a decent man would at least leave and fibd a place but of course he is not decent because of what he did/doing...


A decent spouse (as this applies to both sexes) wouldn't have initially put you in the situation you are currently in and thus would create no reason to even make leaving necessary or a possibility. You need to judge the whole package and not the actions after the discovery, as one just can't wipe out an entire past with a few new and decent actions (as leaving now wouldn't make him anymore decent, caring, etc).


----------



## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

Malpheous said:


> What's your end game? Is it that you're worried the court won't make him provide enough for you?


I thinks she's well aware of the deadbeat dad track record.

She wants to know that when she DOES move out, she will be able to keep herself financially afloat.

She is NOT going to rely on her husband to make timely support payments. And I don't blame her one bit for that. That would be ridiculous given his demonstrated maturity level.

The state is TERRIBLE at enforcing this kind of business. There are thousands of dads out there in arrears on their support payments, many owe tens of thousands to their wives.

I don't blame her one bit for wanting to get her finances secure before moving out, and that means NOT relying on him. Take the support payments but don't rely on them.

The thing is, her A strategy is to get her husband to simply move out. Not likely. A decent man would move out, but a decent man would not be cheating like this to begin wtih.

Her B strategy is for her to move out. She does not have the cash, and does not like the idea of surrendering her home to a cheater. She is also uncertain if hse can remain afloat single handed. Again I don't blame her

Her C strategy (proposed here) is to file for divorce. This will force him to move out when the house gets sold. Again this goes back to Strategy B post divorce and the problems with it.

I still say Strategy C is the the best way to go.

The one question though is, if she DOES get a great paying job BEFORE divorce, how might this affect husband's support payments. She MAY be better off getting the support sorted out NOW and increasing her income later.

Again, I am not a lawyer, so that may not work out as I think in my head.


----------



## mom1.2 (Mar 13, 2014)

Hope1964 said:


> I am totally confused as to what you are trying to accomplish. You say you will not divorce, yet you want him to leave. You say you've talked to a lawyer, yet you have no clue how to go about legally separating. You want to leave, you want your husband to leave, you don't want anyone to leave. My head is totally spinning and I frankly have no idea what your question even is any more.
> 
> Go to their workplace and tell human resources what is going on. Read the newbie link. Talk to your lawyer. Get STD tested. I don't know what else to tell you, and I really don't feel like wasting any more time telling it to you.


I am not sure why you are confused - if I knew what to do - I would not be her asking for advice... I do want to leave my husband - BUT we live in the same house, I cannot afford a lawyer and rent PLUS daycare expenses for 2 kids?! If I put the house for sale - it could take up to 6 months to sell... I want to leave or want him to leave NOW...

What is confusing about that? I do not want to lose my houses (yes I have paid mortgage into it but right now mortgages are under my husband name ONLY - I stayed home for 2 years and did not work) He will NEVER allow me to live in one of the houses while he continues mortgage under his name. I will not get approved for mortgage in my name alone... Financially we are tied up... 
I am obviously STD tested I am pregnant?! They tested my for everything...
I have no proof of the affair - and no money for a PI.
I certainly will NOT go to his job - what am I an idiot?! He loses his job - who is going to pay for everything - mortgage, daycare, food, heat, electric?!


----------



## mom1.2 (Mar 13, 2014)

Malpheous said:


> 1.) There is always equity. Sometimes it's positive, other times it's negative.
> 
> 2.) Split or stay together, your husband or later ex has the right to freedom of association. You can't control if this other woman has contact with your child(ren). A restraining order, but you have no grounds. You can put in a conservative overnight guest clause but they're generally unenforceable and typically written in a way that allow the other party to turn it around on you.
> 
> ...


I do not know - I know one thing - right now I do not want to live with him under the same roof, I know nothing past that. He says he wants the opposite but continues the affair. I do not beleive a single thing he says - he is a liar! 
He left his son a long time ago, for a year he has been running with this girl leaving the house while my son was still asleep and coming back at 4 am((( He hasn't changed a signle diaper, did not take him to the park or swimming pool and once in two years when I was sick - I asked him to give him a bath and he screamed and almost got physical with me... I DO NOT want his money, any help from him, friendship - nothing... I am broken and hurt by who he has turned into with me and my son ((( i just want him gone...
I just do not know((( We are in separate rooms, he comes and knocks on the door but that is at 1am or 4am - says he loves me, wants me to come to bed, etc... But next day I see that his other wife is calling him from a blocked number as soon as I am out of the door...((( I am hardened and sickened by all the lies...
I do not have an end game, this all just happened to me - and I have never been in this situation and was happily married up until all this and was raising our son and was in love with my husband...


----------



## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

OK, you have two houses?

I am just wondering what kind of lawyer you have spoken to.

You seem to have the idea that because your husband's NAME is on them only that you don't have any right to them.

If you ARE legally married I would suggest you speak to a LAWYER to find out what RIGHTS to have to these houses.

You may very well find that it does NOT matter who's NAME is on the house, that you own BOTH equally!

Again, I am not a lawyer, but you sound like you are just deciding you don't own anything. Did an actual divorce lawyer confirm that?

Find out what rights as his wife you have to his property... everything, home, car, etc.

In that case, you move into the second house.

Problem solved (until you divorce that is).


----------



## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

mom1.2 said:


> I am not sure why you are confused - if I knew what to do - I would not be her asking for advice... I do want to leave my husband - BUT we live in the same house, I cannot afford a lawyer and rent PLUS daycare expenses for 2 kids?! If I put the house for sale - it could take up to 6 months to sell... I want to leave or want him to leave NOW...
> 
> What is confusing about that? I do not want to lose my houses (yes I have paid mortgage into it but right now mortgages are under my husband name ONLY - I stayed home for 2 years and did not work) He will NEVER allow me to live in one of the houses while he continues mortgage under his name. I will not get approved for mortgage in my name alone... Financially we are tied up...
> I am obviously STD tested I am pregnant?! They tested my for everything...
> ...


The confusing part is that you want everything, yet are willing to give nothing up, nor make advances toward your goal and this is impossible to accomplish that way. If he is the primary breadwinner, then go see a lawyer and see about having the fees deducted from the divorce settlement, or if they can charge him for the fees since he is the primary supporter.

Get temporary support, and if you are scared of him not paying then get a court order to have his wages garnished to provide your support.

Going to his work could get him fired and you would lose his support, that is correct, but what if it is found out and he loses that job anyway (as it is blatantly obvious what is going on to everyone around him and eventually it will get out). IO am not saying to go to his work, but consider that option as well, as things are very bad, and if you have filed for D, then he more than likely won't lose the job due to infidelity, so that could at least protect you some.

You have gotten lots of great advice and support and now need to decide to act upon it. He is not going to make these decisions on his own as he is reaping the benefits of this arrangement, only you can change it. 

If you come here only to vent that is perfectly fine, but if you truly want the advice and help as you state you do, then you need to start taking some of it to heart and acting upon it. Have you checked into lawyer costs and options, living arrangements and other bits, or are you just deciding that it is not possible and resting on your laurels?? Maybe you could get a room mate and therefor cut the living expenses down. We know you don't want to let your child (soon to be children) be with him or around her, but unfortunately when you D, you will not have control of that. He will get some custody and visitations (if he truly wants it) and you will have no say in what he does or with whom during them.


----------



## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

mom1.2 said:


> What is confusing about that? I do not want to lose my houses (yes I have paid mortgage into it but right now mortgages are under my husband name ONLY - I stayed home for 2 years and did not work) *He will NEVER allow me to live in one of the houses while he continues mortgage under his name.*


The LAW may give HIM no CHOICE.

Go talk to a LAWYER.


----------



## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

mom1.2 said:


> I DO NOT want his money, any help from him, friendship - nothing... I am broken and hurt by who he has turned into with me and my son ((( i just want him gone...


This is why your posts are confusing people. You state the above but just prior you state this


> I certainly will NOT go to his job - what am I an idiot?! He loses his job - who is going to pay for everything - mortgage, daycare, food, heat, electric?!


Can you not see the confusion in this? If you truly want nothing to do with him (as stated in the first quote) then what are you so adamant in the second quote. I am getting confused now. Can't have it both ways????


----------



## mom1.2 (Mar 13, 2014)

Clay2013 said:


> The key is those words. Its not your fault he is not a decent man but now you know the truth. Could you find work? If you could would it be enough to pay for the house? Do you live in the US?
> 
> Clay


Absolutely not - I cannot afford mortgage - it is more than 1/2 of my current salary... Plus daycare expense... He made it clear when we spoke before and I tried to ask him to find a temporary place to stay while we are working things out - he made it clear he won't pay for anything... Yes I live in US.
The problem is that he comes home 2,3,4 am - it always wakes me up, wakes up the child, I need to get up to go to work at 6:30... His need to be out drinking with another woman cannot possibly be more important than his pregnant wife's peace and well-being of a child... We used to lead a very quiet peaceful life. I have no idea what he is into - he keeps talking about the need for entertainment - maybe drugs... adiction of some sort... I honestly do not know. He is very detached, stressed out, major mood changes and swings, either super happy excted and happy or depressed within the same day... No clue but it is not healthy for us - he doesn't seem to have control - although he seems to be acting guilty. But mainly there is so much sadness in him, his eyes - it makes me feel so dark, some darkness over him...


----------



## cons (Aug 13, 2013)

I think you've been given the best advice AD NAUSEUM:

GET A LAWYER!!!!!

Otherwise you're just hear whining about a situation you have no intention of changing..,


----------



## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

mom1.2 said:


> Absolutely not - I cannot afford mortgage - it is more than 1/2 of my current salary... Plus daycare expense... He made it clear when we spoke before and I tried to ask him to find a temporary place to stay while we are working things out - he made it clear he won't pay for anything... Yes I live in US.


As Allen, myself, and most of the other posters have said, GO SEE A LAWYER!!!

His word does not trump the laws of the state, and his responsibilities to his family and obligations. Just because he DOESN"T want to pay anything DOESN"T relieve him of his obligations and a lawyer will make sure you get what you are deserved, even if they have to garnish his wages. He is also responsible for child support to cover day care expenses if needed. These are NOT his CHOICES and OPTIONS, but his OBLIGATIONS (both morally and legally)!!


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I can't talk to you any more. I am sorry, but you've been given the same advice over and over yet you just ignore it then come and post something that totally contradicts what you said earlier and STILL ignore the advice. Like has been said, if you just want to vent, fine, just SAY so.

Bye.


----------



## mom1.2 (Mar 13, 2014)

Squeakr said:


> This is why your posts are confusing people. You state the above but just prior you state this
> 
> 
> Can you not see the confusion in this? If you truly want nothing to do with him (as stated in the first quote) then what are you so adamant in the second quote. I am getting confused now. Can't have it both ways????


Right now I live in the house that he pays for?! What is confusing about that?! I need to work this mess out - I did not start it. As far as I knew we were happy and were buying a house together... 
No, I do not want to depend on him ever, especially not financially - but I DO NOW. My son does, I am staying because my son needs a place to live, eat, sleep... 
I hate the position I am in - I just went back to work, my salary is very modest... 
No, I do not want to have it both ways - I WANT to be freed from him financially and physically but I cannot just walk out of the house and live in my car... It makes me physically sick every night when I have to go home at night but I DO GO - because I have to have a place for my son to sleep, take a bath, etc...I HATE my home and everything in - for me it is the most depressing place - so many fights, late nights waiting up for him, tears, loneliness. But I am stuck there. I would prefer to move out but cannot afford it.


----------



## mom1.2 (Mar 13, 2014)

cons said:


> I think you've been given the best advice AD NAUSEUM:
> 
> GET A LAWYER!!!!!
> 
> Otherwise you're just hear whining about a situation you have no intention of changing..,


Guys, I saw/have a lawyer, I went twice - cannot afford another visit - what is not clear about that?


----------



## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

You can get legal aid to help you. There are also alot of divorce attorneys that will give you a consultation for free. You can also get help for daycare. There is nothing wrong with asking for assistance during your time of need. 

Clay


----------



## mom1.2 (Mar 13, 2014)

Allen_A said:


> OK, you have two houses?
> 
> I am just wondering what kind of lawyer you have spoken to.
> 
> ...


My name is on both houses ;-) So yes, most likely I can eventually move to the other house - I just cannot afford the mortgage.


----------



## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

mom1.2 said:


> Guys, I saw/have a lawyer, I went twice - cannot afford another visit - what is not clear about that?


You have never mentioned this (unless I missed it), so to the uninformed it is CLEAR as MUD.

I don't know really why I m still posting, as it is ad nauseum at this time, but did you mention to this lawyer about handling fees, charging them to your H, garnishing wages, temporary support ordered from the court, or anything that would improve your current situation, or did you just circle the wagons like you are here and negate everything that you one said and the advice given to you?? If your lawyer isn't concerned about things and helping you, then the lawyer you have is a clown at best (no offense to real clowns meant here).

You say you are suffering due to the situation and pregnancy, then the lawyer needs to know this to help you make arrangements, see your Dr if you need to about it. I realize you don't want to leave your house, as no one does, but if it is outside of your means then something needs to be done for your health, sanity, and wellbeing of your family and unborn child. Think of what the environment is doing to your 2 year old if it is so volatile as you describe it. Your lawyer can get you temporary support (alimony and CS) during the D proceedings so you can afford things, and they can also make him legally bound to pay for things as well (and if he doesn't it is either wage garnishments or prison time). you need to make the choice though. You have options you just need to pursue them and be proactive and not "woe is me".


----------



## mom1.2 (Mar 13, 2014)

Squeakr said:


> Have you checked into lawyer costs and options, living arrangements and other bits, or are you just deciding that it is not possible and resting on your laurels?? Maybe you could get a room mate and therefor cut the living expenses down. We know you don't want to let your child (soon to be children) be with him or around her, but unfortunately when you D, you will not have control of that. He will get some custody and visitations (if he truly wants it) and you will have no say in what he does or with whom during them.


I have gotten a second bill from my lawyer(yikes), I look for apartments every day, hired a realtor - nothing close to what I can afford, we might be able to afford a room with a shared bath... I am about to have 2 kids?! Do you really think that it is fair to me and my son that we have to live in a studio apartment, well not even, share a 2 bedrrom with strangers while my husband is lving it up in a 3brd 2.5 bath home that we just bought with a huge yard for my 2 year old son, I painted, fixed up, setup? 
I WILL file a restraining order against this woman for my son, at least will attempt to - if need be - as my last resort I WILL take my son out of the country. They are out until 4 am drinking where is my son going to be?! He is just a baby.


----------



## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

mom1.2 said:


> My name is on both houses ;-) So yes, most likely I can eventually move to the other house - I just cannot afford the mortgage.


Move there now, as someone is paying the mortgage, correct, or is this house being rented?

You story has so many holes in it and we are trying to offer advice but being shot down as you have so much more information that we do that you offer up after the fact. You are in the unique position to have 2 houses. How can you name be on the title but not on the mortgage, as before you stated it was solely in his name? More confusion to add to the mix.


----------



## mom1.2 (Mar 13, 2014)

Squeakr said:


> You have never mentioned this (unless I missed it), so to the uninformed it is CLEAR as MUD.
> 
> I don't know really why I m still posting, as it is ad nauseum at this time, but did you mention to this lawyer about handling fees, charging them to your H, garnishing wages, temporary support ordered from the court, or anything that would improve your current situation, or did you just circle the wagons like you are here and negate everything that you one said and the advice given to you?? If your lawyer isn't concerned about things and helping you, then the lawyer you have is a clown at best (no offense to real clowns meant here).
> 
> You say you are suffering due to the situation and pregnancy, then the lawyer needs to know this to help you make arrangements, see your Dr if you need to about it. I realize you don't want to leave your house, as no one does, but if it is outside of your means then something needs to be done for your health, sanity, and wellbeing of your family and unborn child. Think of what the environment is doing to your 2 year old if it is so volatile as you describe it. Your lawyer can get you temporary support (alimony and CS) during the D proceedings so you can afford things, and they can also make him legally bound to pay for things as well (and if he doesn't it is either wage garnishments or prison time). you need to make the choice though. You have options you just need to pursue them and be proactive and not "woe is me".


I gathered all the paperwork she wanted and past that she said UNLESS you want to file for divorce - live as you live now - take care of your son... I guess I am looking to just live separately and then decide whether or not to divorce. I would rather settle everything out of court - we are not wealthy, nothing to split but our son. Ideally, I would rather live separately for now and decide everything later. I know that the right thing for me to do is to move out and closer to work - I am just looking for ways to afford it... We might have to sell/rent the house, this will cut the expenses greatly and we both can afford a place.


----------



## mom1.2 (Mar 13, 2014)

Squeakr said:


> Move there now, as someone is paying the mortgage, correct, or is this house being rented?
> 
> You story has so many holes in it and we are trying to offer advice but being shot down as you have so much more information that we do that you offer up after the fact. You are in the unique position to have 2 houses. How can you name be on the title but not on the mortgage, as before you stated it was solely in his name? More confusion to add to the mix.


Rented, no we bought 1 house together and mortgage was in both our names, then we rented it and bought another again in both of our names but this time I was not working and therefore mortgage is just in my husband's name but deed is in both. 

The first house he refinanced but by doing so - removed my name from the mortgage since that was in July - I was still stay at home mom. I was only home for 2 years - with my son, prior to that and since this October I have worked full-time.

Neither of the mortgages I can afford and neither of the mortgages are in my name...

Yes, you are right I should have written a better description of my situation...


----------



## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

mom1.2 said:


> I have gotten a second bill from my lawyer(yikes), I look for apartments every day, hired a realtor - nothing close to what I can afford, we might be able to afford a room with a shared bath... I am about to have 2 kids?! Do you really think that it is fair to me and my son that we have to live in a studio apartment, well not even, share a 2 bedrrom with strangers while my husband is lving it up in a 3brd 2.5 bath home that we just bought with a huge yard for my 2 year old son, I painted, fixed up, setup?
> I WILL file a restraining order against this woman for my son, at least will attempt to - if need be - as my last resort I WILL take my son out of the country. They are out until 4 am drinking where is my son going to be?! He is just a baby.


Fairness has nothing to do with it.

You are looking at the reality of your situation, and trying to force fantasies into it.

I am sorry, but your husband is a horrible man. Fairness really isnt' a factor.

What you can do, is what you can do.

And there ARE laws and lawyers to protect you to a degree.

See a DIFFERENT lawyer, look into legal aid, etc.

STOP paying a lawyer, get legal aid, apply.

There are things you can do, but you seem to be ruling everything out because it's not fair.

Well, life is seldom fair. Heck, MOST of the forum members here dealt with LIFE not being FAIR. MOST of us got screwed over just like you are.

I can promise you this : life will be better once you are away from him.

I can't promise you this : you will feel you are treated fairly by the law and your husband.

The second one will never happen.

You use the law to get every single thing you can, and you get away from your husband into your SECOND HOME.

Never MIND paying the mortgage, leave your husband to deal with that. Just move OUT.

Talk to a lawyer and move out. Why on earth do you have to pay the mortgage on a shared home you BOTH OWN?

Talk to a lawyer (a FREE one, through LEGAL AID), and if he clears it you move INTO the second home. You pay what you can of the mortgage. Your husband pays what he is LEGALLY OBLIGATED to PAY.

You are NOT alone here. There are LAWS out there. I can understand your reservations, but you really need to get LEGAL AID and a GOOD DIVORCE LAWYER involved here. Your husband has legal obligations, how HE feels does not matter. What the LAW says is what matters.

STOP listening to your husband's THREATS.

1. Find out what your husband is LEGALLY OBLIGATED to DO.
2. You ACT on what your husband is LEGALLY OBLIGATED to DO.
3. STOP listening to your husband's THREATS. He is trying to INTIMIDATE YOU.


----------



## mom1.2 (Mar 13, 2014)

Squeakr said:


> You have never mentioned this (unless I missed it), so to the uninformed it is CLEAR as MUD.
> 
> I don't know really why I m still posting, as it is ad nauseum at this time, but did you mention to this lawyer about handling fees, charging them to your H, garnishing wages, temporary support ordered from the court, or anything that would improve your current situation, or did you just circle the wagons like you are here and negate everything that you one said and the advice given to you?? If your lawyer isn't concerned about things and helping you, then the lawyer you have is a clown at best (no offense to real clowns meant here).
> 
> You say you are suffering due to the situation and pregnancy, then the lawyer needs to know this to help you make arrangements, see your Dr if you need to about it. I realize you don't want to leave your house, as no one does, but if it is outside of your means then something needs to be done for your health, sanity, and wellbeing of your family and unborn child. Think of what the environment is doing to your 2 year old if it is so volatile as you describe it. Your lawyer can get you temporary support (alimony and CS) during the D proceedings so you can afford things, and they can also make him legally bound to pay for things as well (and if he doesn't it is either wage garnishments or prison time). you need to make the choice though. You have options you just need to pursue them and be proactive and not "woe is me".


Maybe I need to find another lawyer... This one I already paid twice and that money would have been enough for 2 weeks of daycare tuition...


----------



## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

mom1.2 said:


> Guys, I saw/have a lawyer, I went twice - cannot afford another visit - what is not clear about that?


What are your options other than stay with him and be miserable?

What did the lawyer say? Sometimes if there is great hardship, the other party can be made to pay the lawyers fees in the end. Not likely, but possible.

I took out a loan.


----------



## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

They have legal aid for lawyer fees. Also, even though you say you have a lawyer and can't afford the visit right now, that does not prevent you from going to a *free consultation* at one or several attorney's offices

Many cities have social services departments offering daycare subsidies on a sliding scale that take your earnings, mortgage/rent, utilities, phone bill etc. into account. Where I live, a family can make $75,000 a year and still receive subsidy if childcare is over $48/day. That's MY AREA, yours may differ.

As per affording the mortgage - why not RENT OUT a room or a floor to someone to help you pay the mortgage on the second house?

Keep working. I was an 8 month pregnant SAHM on my DDay. Had I continued to work, I would have been able to leave sooner.

Sell things and free up some cash. We all have clutter and one man's junk is another's treasure - craigslist, eBay, kijiji are your friends. When I was in your shoes, that's one of the first things I did. Then I started perusing thrift stores to find high quality items for pennies on the dollar and resold them online. You'd be surprised how much money you can make. It requires very little monetary investment. I was also not above taking one man's junk for free and selling it for a profit (though not off of freecycling sites). 

If you have a joint bank account, take half of the money in the account out of the account. It's your right to do so.


----------



## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

mom1.2 said:


> Neither of the mortgages I can afford and neither of the mortgages are in my name...
> 
> Yes, you are right I should have written a better description of my situation...


Why does this matter?

If your lawyer says move out is best, you move OUT.

You want to drive your husband out of your home? That would be ideal, but at the moment, he's doing a good job of driving YOU out.

You can start WW3 in your home, but you are as vulnerable as HE is aren't you?

Send a rumor to OW that you and your husband are having sex. She will tell him to leave or to throw you out.

Again, I really don't think starting WW3 in your home with you pregnant and with an infant to care for is the best choice.

If there is no legal fallout, move into the second home.

Confirm with a lawyer, but as far as I see it, it really does not matter who's name is on any mortgage or property. you are married, your assets belong to both of you in common. It's your house, and you can move in there.

Again, confirm with a lawyer, but i think you moving into the second house is the best strategy for you IF there is no legal fallout.


----------



## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

mom1.2 said:


> maybe i need to find another lawyer... This one i already paid twice and that money would have been enough for 2 weeks of daycare tuition...


two words : 

legal aid


----------



## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

mom1.2 said:


> Rented, no we bought 1 house together and mortgage was in both our names, then we rented it and bought another again in both of our names but this time I was not working and therefore mortgage is just in my husband's name but deed is in both.


Doesn't matter. Its a marital asset bought while you were married.




> Neither of the mortgages I can afford and neither of the mortgages are in my name...


Again, doesn't matter unless the homes were bought before you were married. 

If you can't afford the mortgages, then you sign over your claim in the form of a Quit Claim Deed to your husband and not only will you not be liable for the mortgage from that point on, you will be owed your 1/2 of the equity at the date you sign it over to him. But you don't do so without an attorney involved.


----------



## mom1.2 (Mar 13, 2014)

Allen_A said:


> Why does this matter?
> 
> If your lawyer says move out is best, you move OUT.
> 
> ...


That's awesome - I thought about it - how do I send a rumor to her... I'd love to do that...


----------



## mom1.2 (Mar 13, 2014)

vellocet said:


> Doesn't matter. Its a marital asset bought while you were married.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Really?!


----------



## mom1.2 (Mar 13, 2014)

vellocet said:


> Doesn't matter. Its a marital asset bought while you were married.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


We did buy the first house before we were married...


----------



## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

mom1.2 said:


> I gathered all the paperwork she wanted and past that she said UNLESS you want to file for divorce - live as you live now - take care of your son...


So her advice was to live as you live now or D, there was no third option that you want to pursue, cause obviously she didn't see it as an option either. If you aren't going to take the advice of someone that specializes in this and does it daily to earn their money, then what good does the advice we give you here do? Did you ask her about billing him for fees and also about support during and after the D? If not then you reality weren't using your time with her wisely.



> I would rather settle everything out of court - we are not wealthy, nothing to split but our son.


You have all your material goods and 2 houses so there are lots of things to split (you might not walk away monetarily in a good position like is the case in the majority of the Ds, but lots of things to consider and split exist.



> Ideally, I would rather live separately for now and decide everything later. I know that the right thing for me to do is to move out and closer to work - I am just looking for ways to afford it... We might have to sell/rent the house, this will cut the expenses greatly and we both can afford a place.


Sorry but like I said before you want everything your way without giving up anything. Sell the other house if that is what you need to do. This is a decision to make and a start to pursuing you exit from and ending of the marriage. Sitting back doing nothing but shooting down advice is getting you no where, so complaining about something you are not willing to do something about only adds to the problem. 

For someone that is so strapped financially, why would you pursue a complaint, and restraining order against the OW (as this is more than likely a waste of resources and futile action to pursue) unless she has threatened your family in some way (if she is stalking then I would have done it ages ago instead of now just putting it on the table, should have been a done deal. If not the case then put your limited resources to better use. 

I am not sure where you live (so it might be different there), but I have lived all over the US and never needed to hire a realtor to locate a place to rent, buy, yes, but to rent. It is not fair that you should have to live in a cramped apartment, but then again it is not fair when anyone is saddled with burden either.. Is it fair when a mother cheats on her family, yet gets alimony, child support, the home, car and all the furnishings along with primary custody, and the father is stuck living on peanuts after paying all his obligations? No it is not, but then again nothing in life is fair and sorry but your situation is no different than those. 

I am sorry you are here and in this situation (I really am and feel for all that have to experience this), but if you want it to change you need to start doing something about it and stop relying on your cheating, lying, no good, morally bankrupted spouse to do the right thing by you and your family.


----------



## mom1.2 (Mar 13, 2014)

Miss Taken said:


> They have legal aid for lawyer fees. Also, even though you say you have a lawyer and can't afford the visit right now, that does not prevent you from going to a *free consultation* at one or several attorney's offices
> 
> Many cities have social services departments offering daycare subsidies on a sliding scale that take your earnings, mortgage/rent, utilities, phone bill etc. into account. Where I live, a family can make $75,000 a year and still receive subsidy if childcare is over $48/day. That's MY AREA, yours may differ.
> 
> ...


Yes, definitely want to rent out the first floor IF I move there - just need to put a shower there, I did a lot of work down there already. New flooring, it has separate entrance a cute little apartment.
I work 10 hour days 6 days a week, I pick up and drop off my son, plus we have an hour commute each way but yes - I want to keep working.


----------



## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

mom1.2 said:


> Yes, definitely want to rent out the first floor IF I move there - just need to put a shower there, I did a lot of work down there already. New flooring, it has separate entrance a cute little apartment.
> I work 10 hour days 6 days a week, I pick up and drop off my son, plus we have an hour commute each way but yes - I want to keep working.


See now this is thinking about the situation and using it to your advantage to start change. If it is essentially two apartments, you live in one and rent the other out. Not as cramped as an apartment, a backyard, and other things that go well with what you want and would keep you in your budget (and since you lived there before it would feel like home and not an apartment so also an ease on the mind). Move there now, and start renovating the downstairs for the shower. It gets you out of and away from the current situation and stays within your budget, as the mortgage has to be paid or his credit and finances take a hit.


----------



## mom1.2 (Mar 13, 2014)

Squeakr said:


> So her advice was to live as you live now or D, there was no third option that you want to pursue, cause obviously she didn't see it as an option either. If you aren't going to take the advice of someone that specializes in this and does it daily to earn their money, then what good does the advice we give you here do? Did you ask her about billing him for fees and also about support during and after the D? If not then you reality weren't using your time with her wisely.
> 
> 
> You have all your material goods and 2 houses so there are lots of things to split (you might not walk away monetarily in a good position like is the case in the majority of the Ds, but lots of things to consider and split exist.
> ...


I have a suspicion that drugs are involved with this woman but have no proof...  I will definitely file a restraining order - not sure how that would work without proof/witnesses
I hired realtor to rent the current house out, possibly sell it.
I am searching for an apartment close to work on my own, have been for a while.
I know life s a b..h, and nothing is fair in love and war BUT I will make things right by my children. THEY deserve everything what was planned for them and more! Not their fault that their a.hole father changed his mind. I will make sure they have everything they deserve AND more but I will do that WITHOUT my husband and his money. I need nothing from him. I just need some time to figure things out - this was just thrown on me. I never depended on him before, not once, not for a day, not for a minute, not even when I was a stay at home mom - I was collecting unemployment after being laid off... I only want what's mine and what I believe is my son's. Just have to sort it out. I will get a second job if I have to. But I will NOT pay a divorce lawyer - what a waste... 15K is a year worth of daycare payments... I will not spend that... My husband financially is worth less than that. 
Laws in US when it comes to divorce suck... 
I will also ALWAYS sign a prenap if I EVER think of getting married again.


----------



## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

mom1.2 said:


> We did buy the first house before we were married...


I didn't catch, was your name on the mortgage or deed on that one?


----------



## mom1.2 (Mar 13, 2014)

Squeakr said:


> See now this is thinking about the situation and using it to your advantage to start change. If it is essentially two apartments, you live in one and rent the other out. Not as cramped as an apartment, a backyard, and other things that go well with what you want and would keep you in your budget (and since you lived there before it would feel like home and not an apartment so also an ease on the mind). Move there now, and start renovating the downstairs for the shower. It gets you out of and away from the current situation and stays within your budget, as the mortgage has to be paid or his credit and finances take a hit.


Yes, I just worry how having mortgage under his name affects me. A friend just went through similar thing, she got one of the houses from divorce but had 90 days to refinance into her name but no bank will approve her. So NOW - she is losing the house (((


----------



## mom1.2 (Mar 13, 2014)

vellocet said:


> I didn't catch, was your name on the mortgage or deed on that one?


In 2005 when we bought it - both on deed and mortgage - now only deed


----------



## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

mom1.2 said:


> Yes, I just worry how having mortgage under his name affects me. A friend just went through similar thing, she got one of the houses from divorce but had 90 days to refinance into her name but no bank will approve her. So NOW - she is losing the house (((


Mortgage under his name doesn't affect you if you sign the house to him.

If it were me, I'd get out from underneath all of it. Sign them all over to him, you get 1/2 the equity in them up to that point. My x-wife couldn't afford the mortgage, so she signed over the house to me. She was entitled to half the equity in it. But we had debt in the same amount. So the trade off was I paid all the debt and she had no claim to any equity because it was an even trade.

If we didn't have the debt, then she'd have gotten 1/2, but it would have been negotiated out of my retirement, not cash. Her half the equity would have just been added to what she got out of my 401K.

So if you signed them over to him, could he pay you out outright? Or would you have to get it in the form of your 1/2 his retirement savings?


----------



## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

mom1.2 said:


> In 2005 when we bought it - both on deed and mortgage - now only deed


Then you are good. If you sign it over to him, 1/2 the value/equity is yours.


----------



## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

mom1.2 said:


> Yes, I just worry how having mortgage under his name affects me. A friend just went through similar thing, she got one of the houses from divorce but had 90 days to refinance into her name but no bank will approve her. So NOW - she is losing the house (((


Here again is the woe is me, [email protected] Stop speculating about this (especially since you are aware of the issues involved due to the friend just going through this exact situation) and be proactive. Call and meet with a realty banker and see what you can get pre-approved (not qualified but approved) for on your own merit, so you now know exactly what type of mortgage you can afford and will be given. You might be surprised (also if you can get a quote of what type of CS and alimony you would get from your WH, whether you want it or not, your child(ren) deserves it and he deserves to pay it so they can have a better life) what you can afford when all is said and done.

Might use it to buy a small condo. At least it would be something you own and could sell later on when you get in a better situation. Might be better to have the freedom of rent as well, as you could then move at will pretty much if a better job or opportunity presents itself. Option, my friend, options.


----------



## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

ringyou57 said:


> My question is why is he interested in someone else??? Seems like a lot of middle aged married women really let themselves go... You know like "gain 100lbs"


WTH :scratchhead: Projecting much?


----------



## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Mom,

I am going to go against the TAM grain a little bit here. You are fiesty and I do believe you get it.

1. Don't mess with your husband's income, or go after the OW. In your situation keeping your husband employed will benefit you and your child and soon to be child.
2. You are done with the marriage. I got it. So let them go.
3. Stay in the house. Keep your money private, let him pay all the bills, and save, save save.
4. Try to keep your expenses at a minimum. Try to get him to pay for daycare.
5. Learn as much as you can on the internet about divorce, spousal support, alimoney and child support. There are many different elements involved in divorce. Each state is different. Become as knowleable as you can. In my state (PA), when a person files for divorce, one spouse can ask for spousal support. This would be money paid to that spouse from the time the divorce is filed till the time the divorce becomes final. Alimoney is money paid to a spouse after the divorce is final. In my state alimoney is not long term as the courts want the spouse to earn and income. Child support is another thing to learn all you can.
6. Legal aid -- typically free legal services. Don't hold your breath getting an appointment and these folks are not typically that good at what they do. Still it is an option. 
7. Look at bankrupcy as an option. My advice is not for you to do this, but to look at and understand all your options.


What are you going to do when it comes time for the baby to be born?

You need a plan. 

Folks have given you some solid advice. They are pushing you hard in some cases. There is a clock that is ticking and it has to do with your baby. We all see it and we sense your feelings about this whole thing.

Take some time, sit down and look at those things that you can accomplish.


----------



## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

:iagree: Good sound advice.


----------



## mom1.2 (Mar 13, 2014)

vellocet said:


> Then you are good. If you sign it over to him, 1/2 the value/equity is yours.


The thing is: I have worked very hard paying mortgage for that house 2005 through 2011... I did all the work in it... I do not want to lose it. I only moved from there and to a different state where I have no ties to follow mty husband who soon cheated on me. I do not want to lose that house. :-(


----------



## mom1.2 (Mar 13, 2014)

Squeakr said:


> Here again is the woe is me, [email protected] Stop speculating about this (especially since you are aware of the issues involved due to the friend just going through this exact situation) and be proactive. Call and meet with a realty banker and see what you can get pre-approved (not qualified but approved) for on your own merit, so you now know exactly what type of mortgage you can afford and will be given. You might be surprised (also if you can get a quote of what type of CS and alimony you would get from your WH, whether you want it or not, your child(ren) deserves it and he deserves to pay it so they can have a better life) what you can afford when all is said and done.
> 
> Might use it to buy a small condo. At least it would be something you own and could sell later on when you get in a better situation. Might be better to have the freedom of rent as well, as you could then move at will pretty much if a better job or opportunity presents itself. Option, my friend, options.


You are right... Would ideally however like to keep my house. Can HE sign the house to me while the mortgage still in his name and then I might be able to refinance under my name since all the equity will be mine? 
We do not carry any debt really well except for mortgages. I invested some into the new house from inheritance money. So his share in the old house is about equal to that... I jsut want to keep that house if at all possible.


----------



## mom1.2 (Mar 13, 2014)

Thorburn said:


> Mom,
> 
> I am going to go against the TAM grain a little bit here. You are fiesty and I do believe you get it.
> 
> ...


YES! So do you think it is safe/right thing to do to have my checks deposited into a separate account?! Right now - I have been posting them into my checking but he has access to mine - I have access to his. I pay daycare, gas, food, tolls, out of his and save money in mine but he can see all my deposits and what I am making. I have full access to his earnings. But I have been giving him equal to 1/2 mortgage payment a month... He was sort of asknig for more... Do I have to is what I am wondering? I just want to save ALL my money and want him to pay for everything...


----------



## mom1.2 (Mar 13, 2014)

Thorburn said:


> Mom,
> 
> What are you going to do when it comes time for the baby to be born?
> 
> ...


No plan really, a few ideas... Maternity leave and moving out of country to be with family for duaration... No idea how my husband would react - will probably be happy.
Another thought of course - moving out much before that - being on my own, asking my mom to come help for a few months, pass that - NO IDEA... I did apply for childcare support - IF I separate I will certainly get assistance to cover major portion of childcare.


----------



## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

mom1.2 said:


> You are right... Would ideally however like to keep my house. Can HE sign the house to me while the mortgage still in his name and then I might be able to refinance under my name since all the equity will be mine?
> We do not carry any debt really well except for mortgages. I invested some into the new house from inheritance money. So his share in the old house is about equal to that... I jsut want to keep that house if at all possible.


I would guess that if you could get approved for financing, he could sign over that house to you and you refinance. I am not a banker though, and didn't play one on TV or stay at a Holiday Inn last night, so my advice is worth what you paid for it. LOL Talk to a real estate banker and they should be able to clearly answer most of your questions.


----------



## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

mom1.2 said:


> You are right... Would ideally however like to keep my house. Can HE sign the house to me while the mortgage still in his name and then I might be able to refinance under my name since all the equity will be mine?
> We do not carry any debt really well except for mortgages. I invested some into the new house from inheritance money. So his share in the old house is about equal to that... I jsut want to keep that house if at all possible.


Then you learn all you can about D. Anything is possible. I would think in many cases the equity and debt would be divided typically 50/50. In my case it was going to be 60/40 with me getting 60%. Every case is different. 

Get the financials from all those years that you paid on the morgage. It may or may not factor in the final settlement but the more you have to prove the better it may go for you.

Courts lean towards woman and more so when there is a woman with kids. Use this to your advantage. 

If adultery is a factor in your state then get hard proof. Even in my state where it is no-fault, adultery can be a factor. I would have not had to pay spousal support (was going to be a win for me) and may had been a factor in alimoney (though that was more unlikely). Alimoney would had been 60/40 with my cheating wife getting 40% of my income from any where from 6 months to two years.

I decided to give R a try after my wife repented and came clean.

I can't emphasize enough that you get on legal forums and learn all you can about all of this. I understood what was the worse scenerio for me, and found out that it was going to be a lot better then that. But, I was OK if I was dealt the worse, and was happy when I discovered it wasn't going that way.

Bring in your claws and start to act somewhat civil to your husband. You want to get the best terms in divorce. Watch your tongue. This goes against the way many of us are wired, but you want the best outcome for you and your kids.

Don't dismiss any retirement plans, 401Ks, etc, that he may have. Use this to your advantage.

Do a credit check on yourself and see what your number is. Get preapproved for a loan if you can, based solely on your credit.

If you get to keep the house you can rent a room to another lady for income, and you may get a free baby sitter. Just make sure you do good diligence on the background check.


----------



## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

mom1.2 said:


> YES! So do you think it is safe/right thing to do to have my checks deposited into a separate account?! Right now - I have been posting them into my checking but he has access to mine - I have access to his. I pay daycare, gas, food, tolls, out of his and save money in mine but he can see all my deposits and what I am making. I have full access to his earnings. But I have been giving him equal to 1/2 mortgage payment a month... He was sort of asknig for more... Do I have to is what I am wondering? I just want to save ALL my money and want him to pay for everything...


Depending on how things work in your state, he is more than likely eligible to receive half of your earnings as you are for his (as most states are going community property. This is something that your lawyer can answer (or any lawyer in an initial consultation, or you can search on the web for more information). We have no idea of your state, or anything so those responses can vary greatly.

I am not wronging you for wanting the current situation to remain as is, but isn't this counterproductive to your waivering statements such as "you want nothing from him, no money, support, anything, just out of your life!" Then within minutes to reverse everything and to say you want him to keep paying for everything. This back and forth is what is confusing everyone. You state you want nothing from him but out of the marriage (as Darius Rucker sings " All I want for you to leave me ....is alone!) and then waiver back to where you want him to continue to pay for everything. Can you not see how this is confusing everyone here but wanting everything and nothing all at the same time?

You are in a position (except for the pregnancy part) that lots on here would love to be in. Little debt except for mortgage, 2 homes, steady income, you are the one that will more than likely fare better in a divorce outcome and being the mother will get the custody of the kids as well. I would love to have such a situation in my life. Instead, I stand to lose most my income, house, and my kids for the majority of the time and she was the one that cheated (so in essence I get/got all of the [email protected] and she gets to smell like a rose.)

"She got the goldmine and I got the shaft. They split it right down the middle and give her the better half!!" --- Jerry Reed


----------



## mom1.2 (Mar 13, 2014)

Thorburn said:


> Then you learn all you can about D. Anything is possible. I would think in many cases the equity and debt would be divided typically 50/50. In my case it was going to be 60/40 with me getting 60%. Every case is different.
> 
> Get the financials from all those years that you paid on the morgage. It may or may not factor in the final settlement but the more you have to prove the better it may go for you.
> 
> ...


He is worth nothing, no 401k, no stocks, nothing... we just have a house together with maybe 40k in equity... and another house with no equity that we just bought and a car worth 15k that is paid off with 100K miles on it that i drive and another leased car that he drives, a son, an unborn child and a 10 year old dog... some cheap ikea furniture, jewerly that's it... 

Paying a lawyer thousands of dollars to split nothing in half, to get a half of nothing is ridiculous...

We started our life together, we planned everything together, three kids, nice house with a yard, a play set, space for everyone... I worked like a horse, 2-3 jobs at a time to get to where I am right now... I hate and resent him for taking a dump all over it... What a joke?!


----------



## mom1.2 (Mar 13, 2014)

Squeakr said:


> I am not wronging you for wanting the current situation to remain as is, but isn't this counterproductive to your waivering statements such as "you want nothing from him, no money, support, anything, just out of your life!" Then within minutes to reverse everything and to say you want him to keep paying for everything. This back and forth is what is confusing everyone. You state you want nothing from him but out of the marriage (as Darius Rucker sings " All I want for you to leave me ....is alone!) and then waiver back to where you want him to continue to pay for everything. Can you not see how this is confusing everyone here but wanting everything and nothing all at the same time?
> 
> You are in a position (except for the pregnancy part) that lots on here would love to be in. Little debt except for mortgage, 2 homes, steady income, you are the one that will more than likely fare better in a divorce outcome and being the mother will get the custody of the kids as well. I would love to have such a situation in my life. Instead, I stand to lose most my income, house, and my kids for the majority of the time and she was the one that cheated (so in essence I get/got all of the [email protected] and she gets to smell like a rose.)
> 
> "She got the goldmine and I got the shaft. They split it right down the middle and give her the better half!!" --- Jerry Reed


I am sorry she did this to your marriage((( People suck... I just don't get it... why not come out honestly and say up front they want to separate and THEN go sleep around - so pathetic and a low blow. I will never understand it. I also had to fall in love with my own son all over again, this time separate from my husband. I never saw them separately - they were like one thing for me, I loved my husband even more because he gave me my son and I loved my son because he was a part of my husband... Tearing them two apart in my heart was the hardest thing in this whole process. Now I finally see them separately...

Yes, it is confusing... BUT I invested MY money in this current house - the inheritance money I could have deposited into my son's college fund istead. I have every right to live in this house BUT since he broke up our family I need to break away from him although now we are in a tight financial knot... SO I always contributed 50/50 to family budget but now in order to separate from him - BECAUSE OF HIS MISDOING - I need money/cash, so I have only being back to work for 3 months, he still wants me to give him what I make but I won't. I am saving to MOVE... So yes, IMO he HAS to pay for everything for now - so that I could save some cash I need to get a place... I see no other way out. He makes good money, he would have to pay mortgage anyway if I leave - it is in his name... He has to pay for bills, I buy my own clothes, food, etc. He just has to pay for daycare, since the only reason I rushed back to work and now WE HAVE to pay for daycare because he found another woman and acted like he was going to leave us! What else was I to do?
So honestly, if I were childless I would have been gone a long time ago with a suitcase and the dog... BUT I stayed because of my son... 
Yes, I can see how it is confusing BUT the agreement was IF I moved with him which I did he would make good money, we would buy another house and I would stay home and he would take care of us and I would take care of the kids. I believed him, we moved, he checked out of the family almost immidieately, spent lots of cash on entertainment, stopped coming home or even call to check in... 
I WANT OUT!


----------



## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

mom1.2 said:


> Yes, it is confusing... BUT I invested MY money in this current house - the inheritance money I could have deposited into my son's college fund istead. I have every right to live in this house BUT since he broke up our family I need to break away from him although now we are in a tight financial knot... SO I always contributed 50/50 to family budget but now in order to separate from him - BECAUSE OF HIS MISDOING - I need money/cash, so I have only being back to work for 3 months, he still wants me to give him what I make but I won't. I am saving to MOVE... So yes, IMO he HAS to pay for everything for now - so that I could save some cash I need to get a place... I see no other way out. He makes good money, he would have to pay mortgage anyway if I leave - it is in his name... He has to pay for bills, I buy my own clothes, food, etc. He just has to pay for daycare, since the only reason I rushed back to work and now WE HAVE to pay for daycare because he found another woman and acted like he was going to leave us! What else was I to do?
> So honestly, if I were childless I would have been gone a long time ago with a suitcase and the dog... BUT I stayed because of my son...
> Yes, I can see how it is confusing BUT the agreement was IF I moved with him which I did he would make good money, we would buy another house and I would stay home and he would take care of us and I would take care of the kids. I believed him, we moved, he checked out of the family almost immidieately, spent lots of cash on entertainment, stopped coming home or even call to check in...
> I WANT OUT!


Document the money he spent on her and entertainment, and then bring this up in separation as money that he spent on the A, it is allowed. I am sorry you are in this, but if you are to treat his money as yours, then your money is his as well (it can't be all one way just because you feel that him earning more dictates it). There shouldn't be any hers and his splits with regards to assets in a healthy home environment IMHO unless you decided on that originally prior to marriage. If you invested your inheritance in this (and it was something you obtained after marriage it might not really be fully yours anyways, as in a divorce he probably has a claimt to it just as much as you do), then that was your decision as much as his, and I don't see where he "owes" you for that.

I am sorry that you are worried about your finances, but then again we all are in this day and age generally. I don't feel that since you are the lower earner and want out, that he should be responsible for everything and your money is strictly yours (guess that is where we differ) for your satisfaction and support/ fun of your future as you want out. Ho would you feel if he did the same thing by keeping all of his money. Even though you are not on the mortgage, technically from most states perspectives, unless you have a prenup in place, you are still responsible for the debt. If you have a credit card in your name, it will become half his debt in the D so it works both ways.


----------



## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

mom1.2 said:


> YES!
> So do you think it is safe/right thing to do to have my checks deposited into a separate account?!
> 
> Right now - I have been posting them into my checking but he has access to mine - I have access to his.
> ...


I would first make a separate account.

I would also put any charges you don't want him seeing in that separate account.

It's good to have the money moving in the visible accounts so he doesn't know you are up to something. If money just stops moving in that other account then your husband will get suspicious.

Why are you paying half the mortgage if he makes more than you do?

The problem is, if you save money, he will just get half of it anyways I would imagine. All savings accumulated during the marriage is split as far as I know. Please confirm that.

You would do best to SPEND on all yours and make HIM invest more in the home and savings... The more you save, the more money you are making for HIM.

That's my thinking anyways. I again am not a lawyer, so this is stuff you ought to confirm with a professional.


----------



## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

mom1.2 said:


> That's awesome - I thought about it - how do I send a rumor to her... I'd love to do that...


Well, there are again risks involved.

a. you are pregnant, you are highly vulnerable.
b. she likely knows where you live (you may have mentioned it, I didn't notice)
c. OW may just retaliate rather than asking your husband to move out
d. OW may just ask your husband to throw YOU out

A LOT can go wrong when you try to spread rumors like this around. It's not hard to put the rumor out there to OW that you and your husband are having sex and reconciling. If you have a facebook account OW may already be scanning through it.

You can always just put up a general post about this on the www someplace that you think she may frequent...

I do NOT recommend this. In my opinion you are WAY too VULNERABLE right now. The rumor COULD go your way, your husband MAY move out to shut OW up.. BUT.. a lot could go WRONG too.

You don't need things any worse.

I do NOT recommend trying this. I am just saying, that it is a route you could take. I don't advocate that one.

I have just read that happening where a betrayed spouse posted on facebook that she and her husband were reconciling (they actually were) and OW threw a FIT and demanded the wayward husband divorce her immediately.

It can go your way, but there is way too much risk.

This woman is already terrorizing your home as it is. You dont' need her at your doorstep. Someone else posted recently having had this happen to her.. OW just showed up at her own home trying to bully her. Terrible story.

You don't want that happening to you.


----------



## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

I got a divorce and it cost me about $250 out of pocket. I filled out all the paperwork myself and we both agreed to split everything 50/50 including the kids time. I kept the house (it has no equity and she couldn't afford it by herself anyway), my 401k, my car, half the savings. She kept her car, her 401k and her half of the money. She walked away from the mortgage debt. No alimony or child support. We agreed to split the child raising costs as needed (food, clothes, sports, w/e). Seemed fair to me and I make double what she does.

My point? You don't need to pay a lawyer thousands of dollars to split nothing IF you both can come to an agreement. You only need a lawyer if one or both parties can't act like grown ups. Fill out the paperwork, pay the filing fee, wait for it to be processed and congratulations, you're divorced.


----------



## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

mom1.2 said:


> This is a great forum! I had NO idea how many people are going through this...
> On August 23 I found out my husband is having an emotional affair and physical I am sure with a young woman at work...
> I thought I would die... I did not.
> Here we are 7 months later
> ...



So you found out about the affair 7 months ago, yet you are 4 months pregnant? So even after you knew he was sleeping with this OW, you continued to sleep with him? 

Stop sleeping with him. I think that's the first thing that needs to change.


----------



## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Theseus said:


> So you found out about the affair 7 months ago, yet you are 4 months pregnant? So even after you knew he was sleeping with this OW, you continued to sleep with him?
> 
> Stop sleeping with him. I think that's the first thing that needs to change.


Here's your answer....



mom1.2 said:


> And just because some OW decided she owns my husband who says I should lose the right to have sex with him - afterall I do not have anyone else and never did and never will unless of course the divorce is done and I have time for a BF with two tiny kids on my hands. ;-)


Not really sure what she's winking or smiling about. I don't think it's funny and it's not even my life. Her husband treats her like trash and she throws more sex at him. Then she wonders why he treats her like a doormat. I'm starting to wonder whether her getting knocked up was some sort of sad attempt to stop the affair. 

Why would he want to stop when he's getting pu$$y thrown at him every angle and has a wife who refuses to do anything about it other than to make excuses...


----------



## Kaci (Mar 11, 2013)

mom1.2 said:


> I worked very hard building our life together for 12 years... A lot invested... If I file for divorce right now - we both will be left with nothing



Sweetheart, you already have nothing. Do yourself and your children a favor and move on. Find a better life.


----------



## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

Theseus said:


> So you found out about the affair 7 months ago, yet you are 4 months pregnant? So even after you knew he was sleeping with this OW, you continued to sleep with him?
> 
> Stop sleeping with him. I think that's the first thing that needs to change.


She already said she's not anymore. Read back a few pages.


----------



## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

Kaci said:


> Sweetheart, you already have nothing. Do yourself and your children a favor and move on. Find a better life.


She has already committed to that.. on page ONE.

Her thread is for the purposes of drafting an EXIT strategy.

The point of staying is a non-issue, always was.


----------



## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

BetrayedDad said:


> Not really sure what she's winking or smiling about. I don't think it's funny and it's not even my life. Her husband treats her like trash and she throws more sex at him. Then she wonders why he treats her like a doormat. I'm starting to wonder whether her getting knocked up was some sort of sad attempt to stop the affair.


I think she just had this idea in her head that having sex is her way of asserting her marital priority over OW. It's a ridiculous idea I know.

Having sex with a cheating spouse disrespects YOU.
Having sex with a cheating spouse disrespects your CHILDREN. 

Parents are ROLE models for their children. You act in any way affectionately in response to disrespect you teach your children to ACCEPT disrespect and respond with affection to disrespect. You in short teach your kids to be doormats doing that.

Not to mention 

a. risk of STDs
b. you are getting USED
c. you teach your spouse how to treat you (doormat in this case)
d. you keep attached emotionally when you need to strengthen and distance yourself for your own protection

Ass-backwards I know. I agree with you. But there it is.

When your spouse behaves disrespectfully you need to first and foremost

a. reclaim respect
b. respect yourself despite how they treat you
c. protect yourself from further disrespect

Having sex does NONE Of these three, and in fact sabotages all three instead.



BetrayedDad said:


> Why would he want to stop when he's getting pu$$y thrown at him every angle and has a wife who refuses to do anything about it other than to make excuses...


Yup... I think she gets that now. We have all been there, we have all made some mistakes when we were a mess.

I am confident she gets it was a very bad idea NOW. That was months ago.

And no, I don't think it's something to smile at either. The man is just using her like a piece of meat.

And that's not a shot at you mom1.2... That's a shot at your husband and OW. I cant' imagine how a man can be this callous to not only overtly cheat on his wife, but to throw table-scraps at her which only amount to using her for his casual entertainment. This is perhaps the lowest form of marital behavior second only to violence.



mom1.2 said:


> And just because some OW decided she owns my husband who says I should lose the right to have sex with him


Rights are not the issue here :

a. the LAST thing you want is to sleep with a cheating husband and end up pregnant - which is exactly what happened
b. you can get a disease doing that, you are having sex with everyone OW ever slept with doing that
c. you reward disrespect with sex, this comes across as grovelling... no wonder he treats you like a doormat now - this does not prove you have a right to anything
d. anyone who has respect for themselves will NOT put themselves in the middle of an affair - you reduce yourself to OW's level having sex with a cheating husband
e. you further contaminate your living environment for your children

The appropriate response to the disrespect and abuse that infidelity brings to a home is to 

a. end the affair and repair the marriage (he wont', so this is not an option)

OR

b. EXIT the situation safely, with dignity for yourself and your children in tact

The worst response is to foster more disrespect by having sex, or showing any form of affection to a cheating spouse

_Infidelity is akin to violence in the home. You wouldn't have sex with your husband if he was beating you up would you? Then dont' have sex if he's cheating on you either.
_

Same goes with drinking to excess, or drugs... if your husband brings toxic behavior into the home of any kind you stay away from him for your own safety. This has nothing to with rights to sex. For your own self respect and your own safety you STOP SEX completely until the problems are OUT of the home permanently.

I can't repeat that last point enough.


----------



## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

Allen_A said:


> She has already committed to that.. on page ONE.
> 
> Her thread is for the purposes of drafting an EXIT strategy.
> 
> The point of staying is a non-issue, always was.


Saying and doing are two different things. I agree that we have seen nothing that shows she is working getting on just her words that say she desires and wants to.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

BetrayedDad said:


> I got a divorce and it cost me about $250 out of pocket. I filled out all the paperwork myself and we both agreed to split everything 50/50 including the kids time. I kept the house (it has no equity and she couldn't afford it by herself anyway), my 401k, my car, half the savings. She kept her car, her 401k and her half of the money. She walked away from the mortgage debt. No alimony or child support. We agreed to split the child raising costs as needed (food, clothes, sports, w/e). Seemed fair to me and I make double what she does.
> 
> My point? You don't need to pay a lawyer thousands of dollars to split nothing IF you both can come to an agreement. You only need a lawyer if one or both parties can't act like grown ups. Fill out the paperwork, pay the filing fee, wait for it to be processed and congratulations, you're divorced.


I wish it was always this easy. In my state it still requires going through legal channels to get it finalized so a lawyer and judge need to be involved at least in the finalizing stages (although if everything is agreed upon, the lawyer can represent both parties).
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Kaci (Mar 11, 2013)

mom1.2 said:


> Guys, I saw/have a lawyer, I went twice - cannot afford another visit - what is not clear about that?


What did the lawyer tell you?


----------



## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

She owns two houses but can't afford another trip to the lawyer. Isn't the first consultation free anyway? So you paid once and now you're broke? I went to three lawyers and they were all free on the first visit and they let me ask them whatever I wanted.

To be perfectly frank, I don't understand your the point of your thread at all. You want him to leave but still pay all your bills. You also don't want to pay for a divorce or a lawyer. And he's supposed to do this all voluntarily of course because why again??? Clearly, he should have some sense of moral obligation or respect for you to do this or something? The same guy who flaunts an affair shamelessly IN YOUR FACE for 7 months?

Unless he gets hit by a bus tomorrow and you collect a fat life insurance settlement you want the impossible.....


----------



## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

BetrayedDad said:


> She owns two houses but can't afford another trip to the lawyer. Isn't the first consultation free anyway? So you paid once and now you're broke? I went to three lawyers and they were all free on the first visit and they let me ask them whatever I wanted.


In my state I have yet to find one that gives out a free consultation for Divorce. Workman's comp, accident, social security and disability all offer free consults but not a one for divorce. Of course it is the same for marriage counselling, as in finding one that has an opening sometime within the next 3 months. I really need a better state.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

Squeakr said:


> In my state I have yet to find one that gives out a free consultation for Divorce. Workman's comp, accident, social security and disability all offer free consults but not a one for divorce. Of course it is the same for marriage counselling, as in finding one that has an opening sometime within the next 3 months. I really need a better state.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Maybe contacting social services she may get some better direction. This almost reads like a domestic abuse case.

If I were a social worker I would most certainly categorize ongoing overt infidelity emotional abuse.

I know some would say that's a stretch, but I honestly don't think it's much different than him threatening her or hurling insults at her on a daily basis; both of which would constitute abuse.

Social workers are usually in the know on divorce lawyers and can help getting legal aid and other things moving.


----------



## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

Allen_A said:


> Maybe contacting social services she may get some better direction. This almost reads like a domestic abuse case.
> 
> If I were a social worker I would most certainly categorize ongoing overt infidelity emotional abuse.
> 
> ...


This may very well be the case, but it could open her to the possibility that she is instigating some of the interactions and this cause more issues than she may want to bring into the household, as a social worker could find it such a volatile environment to want to remove the child. I would hope this isn't the case, but you never know as they put their job on the line in such cases and can tend to err on the safest side which may be temporary removal. 

Also if they only have mortgages and no other debt, legal aide may not even be an option as they would find her financially responsible due to the combined incomes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

OP says she doesn't want a divorce. She just wants him out.

I don't see how she can have both of those things. She doesn't want to leave, he won't leave on his own, and she can't force him out.

Unless she decides that she will find a way to initiate the D, there's not much advice we can offer her, is there?


----------



## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

alte Dame said:


> OP says she doesn't want a divorce. She just wants him out.
> 
> I don't see how she can have both of those things. She doesn't want to leave, he won't leave on his own, and she can't force him out.
> 
> Unless she decides that she will find a way to initiate the D, there's not much advice we can offer her, is there?


The only advice you can offer is this : 

_Embrace Reality, he's disrespecting you beyond belief and it will get worse until you assert yourself by filing for a divorce.
_


----------



## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

Squeakr said:


> This may very well be the case, but it could open her to the possibility that she is instigating some of the interactions and this cause more issues than she may want to bring into the household, as a social worker could find it such a volatile environment to want to remove the child. I would hope this isn't the case, but you never know as they put their job on the line in such cases and can tend to err on the safest side which may be temporary removal.
> 
> Also if they only have mortgages and no other debt, legal aide may not even be an option as they would find her financially responsible due to the combined incomes.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes I agree with you, social services may backfire.

I won't say anything against applying for legal aid, its' worth a shot, I wouldn't say anything to discourage her applying.

It's worth a shot.


----------



## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Squeakr said:


> I really need a better state.


I'm curious to know where you live so I NEVER move there.


----------



## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

BetrayedDad said:


> I'm curious to know where you live so I NEVER move there.


NC, and not the No Contact it normally means in here (throws me everytime someone writes it as I think they are referring to my state when saying they are going NC, as I think NO, bad choice). Of course it is better than the alternative which is I married her in CA and then Moved to NC. If only I knew I would have picked a state with better D terms. The only thing it really has going for it is it is still one of the states that allows Criminal Conversation and Alienation of Affection charges as well as if adultery is involved then alimony is also disallowed but D takes over a year to happen due to separation requirements (and those terms are what are making it hard for me due to finances).
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

Squeakr said:


> NC, and not the No Contact it normally means in here (throws me everytime someone writes it as I think they are referring to my state when saying they are going NC, as I think NO, bad choice). Of course it is better than the alternative which is I married her in CA and then Moved to NC. If only I knew I would have picked a state with better D terms. The only thing it really has going for it is it is still one of the states that allows Criminal Conversation and Alienation of Affection charges as well as if adultery is involved then alimony is also disallowed but D takes over a year to happen due to separation requirements (and those terms are what are making it hard for me due to finances).
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


NC is supposed to be one of the better states to be in if you are concerned about infidelity.

Good Lord, you aren't safe anywhere these days.


----------



## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

Allen_A said:


> NC is supposed to be one of the better states to be in if you are concerned about infidelity.
> 
> Good Lord, you aren't safe anywhere these days.


Yep it is better for infidelity but still bad for Divorce. As the CC, AA, and alimony are concerned it is a plus against infidelity but is a very pro Mom state so bad for Dad's in divorce.  Sounds like Tx isn't bad of you can file and be done in 60 days.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

Squeakr said:


> Yep it is better for infidelity but still bad for Divorce.


Then what's the darn point? lol

That's like having a state that is tough on burglars, but the cops take three days to show up. lol


----------



## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

Allen_A said:


> Then what's the darn point? lol
> 
> That's like having a state that is tough on burglars, but the cops take three days to show up. lol


In this instance the two aren't related as the infidelity part (with the exception of the no alimony) allows lawsuits against the AP so some satisfaction on that front as well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

Squeakr said:


> In this instance the two aren't related as the infidelity part (with the exception of the no alimony) allows lawsuits against the AP so some satisfaction on that front as well.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It's funny how NC is one of the few states that allow this.

Everyone else thinks they are either crazy or a genius.


----------



## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

To get back to the OP, 

One major issue I'm seeing is that it doesn't seem like you're really facing REALITY, mom1.2. It is not realistic to say you want to make HIM leave ....but have him continue to pay all the bills. It is not realistic to say you want to leave...but you want to keep your nice house. It is not realistic to say you want to leave someone...but you don't want to divorce or file separation. 

So what you are asking us is: "How do I do this unrealistic thing?" Well...you can't, because it is unrealistic!

In REALITY, if you want to make him leave, you need to file some sort of legal papers and have reasonable reason to convince a judge to ORDER him to go! You can't just do it on your own. There are no magic words or magic actions that will "make" him move out. 

BUT...in REALITY if he moves out, then he also will stop paying the bills! Yes the judge may order some child support and/or alimony, but that isn't something you can depend upon, and even if it is court ordered, lots of times the actual payment is spotty at best! So in REALITY the cost of having him move out and go live with is honeypot, is that you lose the monetary benefits of him.

So it's not real to expect some mystical way of making him move out, but you get to keep your nice house, your son, and your lifestyle. What you want is some way to just remove the pain in your life but keep the good stuff! Well...that's not how it works! For every choice there is a COST and a BENEFIT. The cost of losing your husband is that you also don't get his money--but the benefit would be losing the hurt in your life. 

So here's what it's like in REALITY. In reality, the pain of the affair is enough that you decide it is irreparable. You file for divorce. The judge orders you to give you child to your STBX half the time (joint custody) and while your child is with your X, you can't say a word about what your X does or doesn't do in his life. Your X makes $6k per month and you make $2k per month, so the judge says "Okay that's $8k per month to divide in half..." and X is ordered to pay you the equivalent of $2k, but he already has your child on his health insurance so he only has to pay your $1k per month. He keeps his bank account, you keep yours, he keeps half the credit card debt, you keep half the credit card debt, and the judge orders both houses sold and the equity divided equally between you...OR he can keep one and you can keep one but you have to refinance yours in your name in 90 days because it is not reasonable to have the house in your name but the mortgage in his. If you can't refinance, you can sign the house over to him, let him sell it, and get half the balance. With that and the $1k he's ordered to pay you for child support, you have to get along in life. You have to find your own housing and take care of yourself and your child. 

NOW...if you are not willing to pay that price, then face reality: you are okay with your husband continuing his affair in order to keep your current lifestyle. 

It's one or the other. Either it's not okay and you will find a way to make it work ALL ON YOUR OWN without him...or you don't like it much but you will find a way to justify staying for your lifestyle. 

So which is it?


----------



## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

Affaircare said:


> One major issue I'm seeing is that it doesn't seem like you're really facing REALITY, mom1.2. It is not realistic to say you want to make HIM leave ....but have him continue to pay all the bills. It is not realistic to say you want to leave...but you want to keep your nice house. It is not realistic to say you want to leave someone...but you don't want to divorce or file separation.


Juts to add a point. I don't think anyone here thinks what you are suggesting is unreasonable given your husband's atrocious behavior.

You will most certainly get all the sympathy in that regard.

The problem is that the laws in USA aren't going to protect you or enforce these expectations of yours, no matter how fair they may appear to anyone who's been victimized by infidelity.

Should he leave? Yes, he's cheating, he's been caught. He should leave.

Should he pay your costs until you get yourself grounded? Yes, he's cheated and mislead you for a long time. He has given you zero time to prepare for this.

Should he let you keep the house? Yes, he was cheating, when you cheat, in my opinion you forfeit anything in the marriage. That's the price you pay for that kind of disrespectful behavior.

There is no court in this country that is likely to enforce these expectations of yours.

Particularly since you were having sex with him while this was going on. Any lawyer could argue you accepted the infidelity when you got into bed with a cheating husband.

Are you being disrespected? Yes, no doubt.

No one is going to force your husband to remedy that mom 1.2. No one.

You have to get OUT of that situation and protect yourself to the degree the law will support you.

Beyond that you are unfortunately a casualty to infidelity not unlike most here are.

Infidelity is a horrible lifestyle, but there are those who take it up, in secret, and blindside you at the worst times in your life with it.


----------



## mom1.2 (Mar 13, 2014)

Allen_A said:


> You have to get OUT of that situation and protect yourself to the degree the law will support you.
> 
> Beyond that you are unfortunately a casualty to infidelity not unlike most here are.
> 
> Infidelity is a horrible lifestyle, but there are those who take it up, in secret, and blindside you at the worst times in your life with it.


 This just plain sucks...


----------



## mom1.2 (Mar 13, 2014)

Affaircare said:


> To get back to the OP,
> 
> One major issue I'm seeing is that it doesn't seem like you're really facing REALITY, mom1.2. It is not realistic to say you want to make HIM leave ....but have him continue to pay all the bills. It is not realistic to say you want to leave...but you want to keep your nice house. It is not realistic to say you want to leave someone...but you don't want to divorce or file separation.
> 
> ...


The very reason WHY I cannot file for the divorce right now is because I face the reality... I am looking for the least destructive exit out of this marriage/12 year relationship and least expensive one. :-( I have two kids to feed and no savings, hardly any equity. Any equity IF house sells would go into paying off legal fees. So I am trying to see if I there is any way at all I could keep the house.


----------



## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

mom1.2 said:


> The very reason WHY I cannot file for the divorce right now is because I face the reality... I am looking for the least destructive exit out of this marriage/12 year relationship and least expensive one. :-( I have two kids to feed and no savings, hardly any equity. Any equity IF house sells would go into paying off legal fees. So I am trying to see if I there is any way at all I could keep the house.


I don't quite understand why you would not divorce but its your choice. The only thing I think you need to really take into account over the course of time you will build serious resentment with your H and your children will grow to see this. They will also see that what your H is doing to you is acceptable. You can tell them it is not but if your actions show something different then that is what they will learn. 

I understand not having the money to deal with these things right now but there are ways of dealing with that too. It would not surprise me at all if you were to put it all out on the line he wouldn't offer some kind of a settlement to get out. I would at least consider that as a option. 

Clay


----------



## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

Divorce is less destructive than an affair. 

Also, without divorcing, you will not have the law on your side when it comes to getting child support/alimony/etc.


----------



## mom1.2 (Mar 13, 2014)

vi_bride04 said:


> Divorce is less destructive than an affair.
> 
> Also, without divorcing, you will not have the law on your side when it comes to getting child support/alimony/etc.


The affair IS destructive emotinally but the divorce is destructive financially which right now is more dangerous to me with two tiny kids... 

Yes, I am destroyed by the affair BUT I cannot just take up and leave with my son with no money. If I had family - would be a different story... Not an option here. I am saving all my money and am also looking into ways of splitting everything PRIOR to filing for divorce including the kids.


----------



## mom1.2 (Mar 13, 2014)

Has anyone heard of/signed Postnaptual agreements?


----------



## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

mom1.2 said:


> The very reason WHY I cannot file for the divorce right now is because I face the reality... I am looking for the least destructive exit out of this marriage/12 year relationship and least expensive one. :-( I have two kids to feed and no savings, hardly any equity. Any equity IF house sells would go into paying off legal fees. So I am trying to see if I there is any way at all I could keep the house.


Just remember that you are not alone in this, He has a responsibility to feed, cloth, and provide for the kids as well. If he doesn't want to, then get a court award so that you can pursue it through his employer. Also your savings (meaning his and yours individually, and anything joint, should be split equally depending on the state division standards).

If/ when you do split, you can also be eligible for state/ government subsidies as well depending upon your financial standings (you may be eligible now and need to check into that as well).

Use your state and local resources to the best of your knowledge and capabilities.


----------



## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

mom1.2 said:


> Has anyone heard of/signed Postnaptual agreements?


It is an option for you. Keep in mind that in one state a wife did a postnatual agreement and then shortly after file for D and it was considered fraud.

My knowledge is very limited and I was in the process of one in 2012, but my attorney stated that it would cost about $1000.00 and could get overturned in court. So I never followed up on it.


----------



## mom1.2 (Mar 13, 2014)

Thorburn said:


> It is an option for you. Keep in mind that in one state a wife did a postnatual agreement and then shortly after file for D and it was considered fraud.
> 
> My knowledge is very limited and I was in the process of one in 2012, but my attorney stated that it would cost about $1000.00 and could get overturned in court. So I never followed up on it.


Really?
Interesting... Well, a 1000.00 is not bad especially since IF it comes to divorce later I would only pay 250 for divorce


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

mom1.2 said:


> Here we are 7 months later - I still do not know what to do - he is still having the affair with her, she puts her own pictures in his phone, when they go out drinking - EVERY WEEK, a few times a week. He comes home always at 4pm sharp, not a minute before or after 4... Which always puzzled me.
> 
> Thoughts?
> Is he in love?


Who cares? He doesn't deserve you OR his kids. Take some money from HIS bank account, give it to a lawyer, and have him served. The lawyer will get HIM out of the house, get HIM to pay you to be there until you can earn a decent living, and help you get your dignity back.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

mom1.2 said:


> The very reason WHY I cannot file for the divorce right now is because I face the reality... I am looking for the least destructive exit out of this marriage/12 year relationship and least expensive one. :-( I have two kids to feed and no savings, hardly any equity. Any equity IF house sells would go into paying off legal fees. So I am trying to see if I there is any way at all I could keep the house.


Hon, it's just a house and it's just money. It's not a home unless you deem it so. Find a new place you and your kids will call home and grow to love, together that is more affordable.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

And why haven't you told his parents and siblings what he's doing?


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

What are you thinking you'd put in the post-nuptial agreement? What makes you think he'd go along with the idea? He obviously doesn't respect you or your marriage, and figures you're not going to make any waves. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## cons (Aug 13, 2013)

Instead of going for a post-nuptial agreement.. Why not present him with a pro se divorce and split everything down the middle? It would cost the same and you'd be free of him sooner?


----------



## mom1.2 (Mar 13, 2014)

PBear said:


> What are you thinking you'd put in the post-nuptial agreement? What makes you think he'd go along with the idea? He obviously doesn't respect you or your marriage, and figures you're not going to make any waves.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well, he doesn't want the divorce, he swears it was an emotional affair because "we were having problems" (liar) - so I figured he will sign it if he doesn't want a divorce...
Hmm, I would definitely put a clause in there about infidelity and consequences, division of property, custody, all the biggies...
I fugured at the minimum I would call his bluff...
If he doesn't sign - then I would turn the same terms into divorce agreement?...
Just thinking here...


----------



## mom1.2 (Mar 13, 2014)

turnera said:


> And why haven't you told his parents and siblings what he's doing?


I did, there are no siblings though, just a father. Father asked him - he swore to him he won't leave his kids and wife...
Honestly, I do not believe a single word he says - he is a liar, even when he stops or IF he stops lying, I know I will never believe him again. That is why I want to separate...

I want to separate myself from being subjected to these poorly put together lying attempts that do not work...

I keep telling him not to bother - I KNOW everything...

The more he lies - the lower the falls in my eyes and less and less I am comfortable with him being a father to my children...

While before - I wanted nothing more -I wanted my son to grow up to be just like his dad - now I dread it....


----------



## mom1.2 (Mar 13, 2014)

cons said:


> Instead of going for a post-nuptial agreement.. Why not present him with a pro se divorce and split everything down the middle? It would cost the same and you'd be free of him sooner?


There is nothing to split - only FUTURE equity... Mortgages that I would not be able to sign over to my name BECAUSE at his request I stopped working/career and stayed home with my son... 

I am the one who is getting hit the most financially, not him while he is the one who got himself into this situation...


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

mom1.2 said:


> I did, there are no siblings though, just a father. Father asked him - he swore to him he won't leave his kids and wife...


Something's off here. Aside from the big whopping elephant of you ACCEPTING his cheating IN FRONT OF YOU.

You tell his dad he's cheating and, instead of discussing him quitting the cheating, all he tells his dad is at least he won't walk out on his family? How much lower can you set the bar?

Just get the damn lawyer and let the lawyer determine HOW your H is going to pay for you to live without him. That's how it works.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

mom1.2 said:


> There is nothing to split - only FUTURE equity... Mortgages that I would not be able to sign over to my name BECAUSE at his request I stopped working/career and stayed home with my son...
> 
> I am the one who is getting hit the most financially, not him while he is the one who got himself into this situation...


And that's why judges make the MAN pay the WOMAN money so she can get her career back on track.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

mom1.2 said:


> While before - I wanted nothing more -I wanted my son to grow up to be just like his dad - now I dread it....


And by staying, you guarantee it.


----------



## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

Why do you want to stay legally married to a man that you will never trust again?


----------



## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

mom1.2 said:


> This just plain sucks...


Welcome to the forum!


----------



## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

mom1.2 said:


> The affair IS destructive emotinally but the divorce is destructive financially which right now is more dangerous to me with two tiny kids...
> 
> Yes, I am destroyed by the affair BUT I cannot just take up and leave with my son with no money. If I had family - would be a different story... Not an option here. I am saving all my money and am also looking into ways of splitting everything PRIOR to filing for divorce including the kids.


I hear you. I think you are doing the right thing here.

I get it, you just want to plan your exit carefully. Particularly so your finances are impacted minimally. I hear you.

I think a lot of people here think you are staying with him for emotional reasons or for some other non-practical reason.

What I am reading is that you DO want to divorce, but you want to do it right so you don't get screwed over a second time.

I hear you. You are planning it. I hear you.

Any chance of getting legal aid?


----------



## mom1.2 (Mar 13, 2014)

Allen_A said:


> I hear you. I think you are doing the right thing here.
> 
> I get it, you just want to plan your exit carefully. Particularly so your finances are impacted minimally. I hear you.
> 
> ...


I will look into legal aide!


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If you're in the US, try United Way


----------



## Baseballmom6 (Aug 15, 2012)

Story doesn't make any sense so I'm not falling for it. "he swears it was an emotional affair because "we were having problems" (liar)" but earlier you also say he stays out all night and doesn't come home until 4:00 am. Goodbye!


----------



## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

Baseballmom6 said:


> Story doesn't make any sense so I'm not falling for it. "he swears it was an emotional affair because "we were having problems" (liar)" but earlier you also say he stays out all night and doesn't come home until 4:00 am. Goodbye!


"having problems" in the home does not legitimize emotional infidelity anyways.

All that statement does is reveal how immature he is.

What this means is if in the future you are "having problems" he will secretly turn to female third parties rather than resolving issues like an adult.

HE thinks this legitimizes his choices. I think this simply reveals his immaturity.

So, whether he's telling the truth about an emotional affair or not (I don't believe it), he's revealing to you he's immature and wont' solve problems like an adult.

That is the truth you can mine from his gas-lighting and excuses.

Your path is clear.


----------

