# Are you okay if your spouse loans money to friends/family, etc.?



## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Just the other day a buddy of his who he has known for years..is going thru some financial hard times. He asked H for $3,200.00 with the promise he would pay him back by the end of month...(both H and I were pissed off at being put in this position) but we agreed to loan him the money. I personally think we will not see a dime of it again but H disagrees. 

WOrse case if we do not get it back..it will not hurt us money wise but that is not the point. I hate being put in this position of someone almost begging for help.

I just think if you loan money to someone expect that you will not see a dime of it again.

SInce this happened about 4 days ago I have moments where it is like whatever and other moments where I get ticked off about this guy even asking us.

I have not ever been asked for money while H has been asked thru the years numerous times. This though is the largest amount to date.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Thankfully I don't have that problem - my hubby wouldn't loan the shirt off his back to a naked nun.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

LOL Hope


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

$3200 would be too much for me. Would you believe, a friend of dh's (very casual friend) asked us for $20k once? Needless to say, dh said no.

I don't like to be financially involved with other people, either. And I totally agree that if you loan, you're better off considering it a gift.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Rule of thumb: never EVER loan ANYTHING that you expect to see back or rely on being back.

I would never let ANYONE borrow such a large amount, sorry.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

As long as we're both in the loop and on the same page, sure. It rarely happens these days, though, as we've been burned too many times in the past. For certain immediate family members it's no problem, as they always pay us back in a timely manner. As for the rest, no thanks.

I don't recall that we've ever had a friend ask us to borrow that kind of money... Not sure how we'd have reacted when we were younger but these days the answer would be somewhere along the lines of "NOOOOO!".


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I can understand being upset for being put in this position.

I have loaned money to close family and friends. Some pay it back. Some don't. Most don't.

What really gets me is that when people have a problem paying back the entire sum at once, they don't make arrangements to do it in smaller amounts over time.

You and your husband need to talk about this so that you have a policy on how to handle this. An easy way of handling it is to just tell the asker that you just don't have the money. No further explanation is needed. Yes it might be a white lie. In this case I would not have a problem with this type of white lie as it gets me off the hook in an uncomfortable situation.


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## JJG (Mar 9, 2011)

I only lend money to people I 100% trust to pay it back. Everyone knows who those people are in their life. There aren't many of them.

We recently gave a very short term loan (2 weeks) of £13,000to a very good friend, but I knew that he would rather die than not pay us back.

Likewise I have lent my mum money before to cover some rough months. But was paid back within a few months.

So my opinion is that YES lending money is something we are ok with but it completely depends on who you lend to and that would be a shared decision.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

H knows I am ticked about it..I said to him if he does not pay us back..I will be pissed off and you will probably bear the brunt of it

However this guy has to realize that if he does not pay us back then his friendship with H will be changed..no more playing crib or going to play golf, etc. I am not going to put up with in a month or two H running off to play golf with him knowing that this guy owes us money!


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

The thing that ticks me off about being asked for money is if you say no because chances are you think you will not get it back..then it puts you in an awkward position. So you say no to someone that you can't loan them money and then a month or so later you buy something for your house or upgrade your vehicle, etc. etc. THen the other person tends to think well..you couldn't afford to give me money but yet you are buying all this stuff.

To me we both work for our money and what we do with it is our business yet when someone puts you in that awkward position it just ticks me off. It is like some people feel a sense of entitlement well you guys are doing good so you should help me....

This is why people should make provisions to take care of themself just in case..i..e. empty line of credit, insurance, emergency fund, etc. etc.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

We'd only loan someone money if we both agreed to do so. Most likely, if it were a modest amount and a worthy person, we'd just give it to them if we could afford to do so. Family, however, would get a loan or nothing. Family is often less reliable about paying back, and often need the lesson of responsibility in making repayment - that is, if they may ever want help in the future! We have one deadbeat kid who won't get any more help until he learns responsibility.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

If we had it I would give it. I don't call just anyone friend. 
If they beat me for the money they wouldn't be my friend ever again and they should expect to be taken to court cause I would have them sign something.


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## SpinDaddy (Nov 12, 2012)

To the point of the thread’s question, no such decision should ever be made unilaterally.

At the Spin household, (Ms. Spin is a SAHM) money is tight enough (budget-wise) that we don’t really have the discretion to do this (at least on its face).

Truth-be-told, we do have significant savings/investments but these are earmarked for children’s educations, retirement, and family rainy day contingencies. Those monies are known only to Me, Ms. Spin, our CPA and Financial Planner. 

For us, such a decision would really come down to those earmarks versus the facts/circumstances of the person asking. The two camps of “hard-luck”/“deadbeats” in our family drive nicer cars and live more extravagantly than we do so the few times it has come up, it’s been fairly simple to say “the extra money we have is locked into our 401(K), etc.”


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

It depends on who he's giving it to honestly. If he wants to loan money to his parents it would be an over my dead body situation.Those people blow through money like it's nothing.I refuse to pay to support the poor decisions of frivolous people who keep making the same mistakes over and over.They treat us like crap too so they'd have to pry my checkbook from my icy little dead fingers 

If it's a friend or family member who is trying really hard to get somewhere and needs some sort of security deposit on an apartment or a down payment on a car so they can get to work..sure. I'd be ok w/loaning it and I wouldn't expect it back until they got on their feet.

If they didn't pay us back,I wouldn't be angry at them or feel animosity toward them but they wouldn't get another loan from me after that.

As long as they pay the money back I have no problem with helping them more than once.


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## kitty2013 (Dec 6, 2013)

highwood said:


> Just the other day a buddy of his who he has known for years..is going thru some financial hard times. He asked H for $3,200.00 with the promise he would pay him back by the end of month...(both H and I were pissed off at being put in this position) but we agreed to loan him the money. I personally think we will not see a dime of it again but H disagrees.
> 
> WOrse case if we do not get it back..it will not hurt us money wise but that is not the point. I hate being put in this position of someone almost begging for help.
> 
> ...


No, I am NOT okay if my DH loans money to friends.. I do not mind if it is a family member. He loaned money to his friends. My DH is in debt because of his kindness. 

His friend promised to pay him back monthly, but my husband is still paying for the debt causing by his friend because his friend said "I don't have money to pay you back." 
I was really upset when my husband loaned the money that he did not have. He borrowed the money from the bank to help his friends because he has good credits ( his friend's credits were bad!!!). He did it more than once. He has a huge amount of debt from being "nice" (No, he did not loan a couple thousand dollars, it is WAY MORE than that) . 

My husband finally understands that he should not loan money to people anymore. 
I am willing to help paying off my husband's debt, but I will have zero tolerance if he does it again.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

Both my husband and I have a very large, close knit family and one of my most favorite things in life is family gatherings. 

However, on my side of the family loaning money has been the thorne in the extended family's side for years. The problem is, a lot of my family have loaned out designated money before it is due. Like my youngest brother loaned one of my cousins some of his rent money about 2 weeks before his rent was due. The cousin had shown him online that their income tax had been processed and when they should receive the check. Something happened, I don't know what, and he didn't get the check. It caused a big fight between them which spilled over into others in the family. I kept my distance even though it was my brother. My aunt (borrower's mother) even called me to say that she knew my H could afford to help my brother with his rent until her son could pay back the money! 

The first mistake was made by my brother in loaning out designated funds. But he is pretty careless with money himself and has borrowed from family members numerous times.


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## Happyfamily (Apr 15, 2014)

highwood said:


> playing crib or going to play golf, etc. I am not going to put up with in a month or two H running off to play golf with him knowing that this guy owes us money!


That's so sweet of you guys to pay for this guy's golf the last few months. The loan is paying off what he owes from previous golf outings.

I really hope he didn't have to stoop to some lower class whiskey on cribbage night. It was Chivas Regal, not Jack Daniels, I would think.

Because, after all, this is a really good friend. We don't have any friends who golf because it's a pretty expensive hobby. They all work too, so we don't get to see them as much as a friend who freeloads. I'll talk to my husband and see if he can get some of the guys to quit work.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

You're acting like the guy held a gun to your head. All you had to do was tell him that you don't loan money. It's your policy so stick by it. Don't blame others because you're too afraid of hurting their feelings to stand up for your own principles.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

highwood said:


> Just the other day a buddy of his who he has known for years..is going thru some financial hard times. *He asked H for $3,200.00 with the promise he would pay him back by the end of month*...(both H and I were pissed off at being put in this position) but we agreed to loan him the money. I personally think we will not see a dime of it again but H disagrees.


 I really feel if someone is going to ask this...(in the thousands yet)... they should be thinking of the Lender... meaning they should be willing/offering to get it signed on paper that they will pay.../ installments... by a certain date... so it can be taken to court..if need be.. (I mean, why not... it's a loan!)... one can still do it "free of interest".. 

Personally I would NEVER ask, I would do dishes in a dive, take a loan out on our house, anything to NOT put a friend or family member in that position, I'd rather crawl under a rock. 

What do they need it for...is it really an emergency? As they have so many loaning centers around these days, can borrow from a credit card.. he had no other options? 

And Yes, your H could have said "*No*".. He could use this book for some future dealings with others...

Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life : Books

If this is a person/ family who lives paycheck to paycheck, I also would feel...you'll probably not see it again.. or it will trickle coming back, if at all.. I have seen too many generous people get TAKEN. Christians stiffing Christians, it makes no difference what some claim to be..or owe...



> *I just think if you loan money to someone expect that you will not see a dime of it again*.


 THis is how me and my Husband feel also...we've pretty much only given GIFTS over the years....as I feel the *expectation* has the potential to erode a friendship.. 

Though my H has loaned his sister money for taxes , knowing her character, we were not the least bit worried about getting it back... our $$ was in hand by that date. 

The largest gift we have given to a friend was $500 ... it wasn't because they asked, it was because they shared a situation... we'd talk it over...we agreed we could spare it.... it wouldn't hurt us.. (the H lost his Job and on the verge of action being taken on their house)...and we know if we were in a bind, they would be there for us too, and have been in other ways, not so much financial but "being there"..... 



> *I have not ever been asked for money while H has been asked thru the years numerous times. This though is the largest amount to date*.


 Seems others know he finds it difficult to say NO... 

Yes, $3,200 is a pretty nice chunk... you could have taken a family on a nice vacation for that...buy a decent used car...got a kid a set of braces even!


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## Tmj4477 (May 3, 2014)

Never loan out money you can't afford to never get back. If you need and are going to miss the money don't lend it, it will only create hostile situations later.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

WTH? What are you two, 12 years old?

You're married. You have an obligation to NEVER MAKE MAJOR DECISIONS without the other person's approval. That's what marriage MEANS.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

highwood said:


> but we agreed to loan him the money.


They both agreed to it, turnera. The husband did not take the decision unilaterally.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

jld said:


> They both agreed to it, turnera. The husband did not take the decision unilaterally.


Which she obviously didn't want to do. Thus coming here.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

turnera said:


> Which she obviously didn't want to do. Thus coming here.


It does seem to have been done without mutual enthusiasm.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

I solve this problem by not having any money people could ask for. :lol:


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Starstarfish said:


> I solve this problem by not having any money people could ask for. :lol:


You and me both...
However, in the event that I somehow, miraculously, have it available, our rule is yes to my dad, yes to one sister... both unconditionally. My other sister there ARE conditions. His mother there are conditions because she has, in the past, placed conditions on loans and even GIFTS with us. His siter is a HELL NO. Our own kids are an obvious yes, and my nieces and nephew are yes as well. Any other relatives are no, same with friends. We have loaned to friends in the past, but learned the hard way that is one of the quickest ways to end a friendship. 

So, fortunately (or unfortunately, depending on your viewpoint), we are not in the position to loan to anyone.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Starstarfish said:


> I solve this problem by not having any money people could ask for. :lol:


lol, that's why I never worry about people stealing my identity or my purse. They're better off without it!


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## Nikita2270 (Mar 22, 2014)

I'm not married anymore but when I was...my ex came from a large family.

Despite all our other issues, we both handled money very well and I don't think we ever fought about money.

How we did it was that we had a joint account for household funds and each had our own separate accounts. We would designate a certain portion of our paychecks for the joint account on a percentage basis and the rest of the money was our own. 

If he lent money to his family (and he probably did that a lot), it would come out of the account that was his. I did what I wanted with my money...and he did what he wanted with his.

I hate discussing or arguing over money...I find it distasteful. I work hard and save everything I can so that I have a large pool of money and never have to think about. I never want to have to worry about money. So as a general rule of thumb, with my family or anyone else...I don't "lend" money. If I can spare it, I give it away with no expectation. If I can't spare it, I don't give it. If it comes back, great...if it doesn't I would never mention it. My suggestion is never lend money that you can't afford to give away...that way you never fight over money with people you love.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

We stopped lending out money to family and friends. It became annoying for me watching people that owed us money make extravagant purchases and go on trips without ever making any effort to pay us back. They had no shame at all. 

Some even had the gall to come back and ask for more. Then when you say no they get mad and accuse you of being selfish because, "you're doing really well", "you've got a nice house bla, bla, bla". The sense of entitlement in people is amazing.


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## Aspydad (Oct 17, 2013)

Well, I happened to be the spouse that did the loaning just about a year ago. I am not going into details on the entire history as I actually have done that on another thread before so I will keep short.

My best friend from High School ended up in jail about a year ago. He actually was on probation which was the result of a nasty divorce and his ex accusing him of choking her. He ended up getting convicted of assault which was a mister miner instead of a felony. So he was given probation instead of jail but had to follow rules. He broke the rules so he got arrested again and was out on bail when he broke the rules again – so his bail got revoked and he got thrown in jail. His 22 yo daughter calls me to beg me to put up $20 K to get him out of jail – he had been in over two weeks at the time of her call. Then his Dad called me to beg me to loan my friend the money as apparently my friend was broke. I know that his Mom and Dad are not well off at all and the Dad told me that they were close to having to sell their house as they were not making it. 

My wife absolutely was against me doing this and I struggled with the decision. But, I just remembered all of the time my friend and I had spent together growing up and I just could not stand the thought of him spending months behind bars. So, I did it.

When my friend got out of jail he told me that he would pay me back asap but I was under the impression from both his Dad and Daughter that he was close to broke so I told him he could keep the money for now. Then, about five months after that, I was on the phone with my friend and he really pissed me off – he said something bad about my wife and I just decided that I want nothing to do with this guy again – not sure of he understood that half of the money he got from me belonged to my wife as I consider all of our wealth to be 50 / 50. 

Was just talking to another friend of mine a couple of weeks ago and he told me that my friend was driving around in a 2011 Porsche 911 – I just had to crack up laughing – I have never owned a car that was worth over 40K in my life and this guy who I gave $20K to is driving around in a $100K car. I have not told my wife this as she would really be pissed at me.

I had just written off the money which actually was what my intention was when I bailed him out - I do know that if you loan a friend money you really should not expect it back. But know, I am thinking of sending him a message to send money money back.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I'd be sending him a message every week asking him to start making payments. And I would start getting creative so he doesn't just ignore them. If he wasn't driving that car, I might have let it slide. But that's just flat out rude. And asking to get harassed.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

"My wife absolutely was against me doing this and I struggled with the decision. But, I just remembered all of the time my friend and I had spent together growing up and I just could not stand the thought of him spending months behind bars. So, I did it."

If you're not posting from the curb, your wife needs to separate her finances from yours. That was a seriously stupid decision given the character of the man you chose to help. Since when do fond memories of a high school friend take precedence over a spouse?


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## lancaster (Dec 2, 2013)

As a rule I do not lend money unless I can afford to not see it again. Neither will I lend money if I will lose sleep over it. I have lent one couple 300 dollars. They promised to repay me. I expected that they would not. They did not. A week ago they asked for 900 hundred. I said "No." I could have, but would not. I will not lend them any money from now on, no matter how small the amount. They have burnt their bridges regarding money and me.

It is no use getting upset with your friend, after all you and your husband chose to lend him the money. Expect him to come back for more. Also expect to ultimately get burnt.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

lancaster said:


> As a rule I do not lend money unless I can afford to not see it again. Neither will I lend money if I will lose sleep over it. I have lent one couple 300 dollars. They promised to repay me. I expected that they would not. They did not. A week ago they asked for 900 hundred. I said "No." I could have, but would not. I will not lend them any money from now on, no matter how small the amount. They have burnt their bridges regarding money and me.


I'm surprised it's just money bridge they burned.

I would've cut them off completely....they wouldn't be ABLE to get hold of me all together. I just don't see how ANY kind of relationship can be maintained after that.....


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## lancaster (Dec 2, 2013)

DoF said:


> I'm surprised it's just money bridge they burned.
> 
> I would've cut them off completely....they wouldn't be ABLE to get hold of me all together. I just don't see how ANY kind of relationship can be maintained after that.....


They are not bad people just bad with their finances. I told them they may have to establish a budget and live within their means, even if that means giving up a few of their luxuries like the SUV etc.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

So two months later and still no repayment...surprise surprise!

H and I argue about it..he keeps insisting we are getting it back but I think that is BS and he is just telling me that to try and appease me. Ironically he called H to go golfing the other day so sometime this week they are going golfing...H said he will ask him about repayment then.

I am beyond livid about this both at H and at his loser friend.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Hire a lawyer by yourself.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

In re-reading your original post, you knew it was likely you wouldn't see a dime of that money again and now the deadline has passed and you are probably correct. 

People often ask outrageous favors of others. Especially when they see an easy mark (your husband). You need to have an agreement going forward about his lending money. Because while this might be a lesson for him it's equally likely it won't be and this will happen again.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Or maybe go to your bank and set up your accounts so that your husband can't pull more than $200 out without your signature.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

I just find it ballsy that this buddy of his still golfs, etc. all the while knowing that he owes us money.

I think in a way H is in a catch 22 becuase if he cuts off the friendship then definently we will not get repaid however at this point my attitude is for him to still remain friends with him (but asking him often about repayment) however after 6 months of no repayment (so early November) then he will be done with him. I will and I know this sounds controlling but forbid him to have anything to do with this guy after that point. 

I did threaten H with the lawyer thing as well...I told him that if we end up splitting up (which could very well happen as our marriage is not very good and has not been for a long time) I will come after his friend for the money legally.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Don't expect his friend to feel guilty or even be uncomfortable about not paying it back. If he did, he would avoid your husband -- not play golf with him. 

Just make sure as long as you are married to him that it doesn't happen again with someone else because he apparently can't say no. And next time it could be an even larger amount.


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## lilith23 (Sep 6, 2012)

Me and my H would perhaps lend some money to help our families, with friends it would depend on who and if the person is responsible and pays back, and why the need.

Once I've lend perhaps around 400$ to a friend as she was having financial difficulties and she might not be able to pay the university fees and lose one more year with it. She didn't ask but I offered. And she succeeded to graduated and paid me back.

Me and H has joined accounts, but we both would talk to each other and not decide anything without it or an agreement. But we are not rich so we would probably not lend that much, unless for our close family members in need.

I wouldn't like a friend that would come up to me and ask for lending money, unless the despair level is understandable. I'd distance myself if I perceive someone to use our friendship rather than appreciate it.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

in my experience, loaning money to family members is like flushing it down the toilet. you will never see it back.

Not to say you should not loan it...lets say a brother loses his job, and his house is about to be foreclosed and he needs $5000 to keep it out of hock for a few months. Well, if you had the cash, and liked your brother, why not "loan" it to him. Just don't expect to see it back.

Along with the loan should go some tethered financial counseling. Like if he is still spending money like he had a job....and that is why he is in trouble....fix THAT behavior first


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## martita (Jun 1, 2014)

I accept family loaning because i know what type of people they are and they do pay back. But friends...you never get to fully know them, so even if they know i have the money i would decline. If they have the guts to ask for 3k, why cant i refuse? Nobody who needs 3k now can pay it back later. If they feel hurt because i cant help them, oh well.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

I have to admit, upon thinking about it this morning, that probably what will end up happening because H is kind of "ball less" is that I think he would just end up letting it slide and still remaining friends with this idiot. I base this on his personality and knowing him for 25+ years. This other friend of his over the last 10 years has asked and received from him as well...not huge amounts say 100.00 here and there (probably about $500.00 in total over the last 10 + yearss) and has not paid us back...but why would he H remains his friend and does not ask him for the money back.

This trait is one of the reasons why I am going to see a lawyer in a couple of weeks to get tons of info on separation/divorce. That amongst other things but it definently causes me resentment.

I can't stand wimpy/momma boy kind of guys.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

Bailing out someone who is financially irresponsible is enabling their bad behavior. I believe in rewarding hard work and personal responsibility.

What H and I have done in the past few years is to pick someone who is very hard working, but low income from his church and donate a few thousand dollars anonymously for a targeted expenditure.

We anonymously paid the property taxes for a retiree couple and for a family where the engineer dad had lost his job and was working at grounds maintenance. We also paid for a couple new roofs anonymously for a widow and for a hardworking low income couple.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

highwood said:


> I can't stand wimpy/momma boy kind of guys.


But highwood, he asked you first and you agreed to this loan.

Why don't you first try saying "no" if you think it is a foolish loan?

Instead of resenting it, could you interpret/reframe your H's behavior as generosity?


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Blonde said:


> But highwood, he asked you first and you agreed to this loan.
> 
> Why don't you first try saying "no" if you think it is a foolish loan?
> 
> Instead of resenting it, could you interpret/reframe your H's behavior as generosity?


Because this is what he does and has always done...instead of just saying no right off the bat to the friend and I would have never known..he instead phones me up. I was very angry yet he assured me that for sure the guy was going to pay us back so I said okay it is up to you.

This is part of his "wimpy", scared to say no to people becuase god forbid they might not like my anymore.

I hear what you are saying however this is just another nail in the coffin towards the demise of our marriage. He knows that if we do not get the money back that he will be hearing about it from me for enternity. If we end up divorcing I will ensure that that $3,200.00 is added on to whatever lump sum I end up getting.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

highwood said:


> Because this is what he does and has always done...instead of just saying no right off the bat to the friend and I would have never known..he instead phones me up. I was very angry yet he assured me that for sure the guy was going to pay us back so I said okay it is up to you.


Why did you agree to the loan? Why not just say "no I do not agree. don't loan him the money!"

I am sympathetic, highwood. My H has a long history of trying to set me up to take the fall for his bad choices. He called me up from a "restaurant"/bar recently and asked if he could "just have a beer"

"That's YOUR choice but you do remember that you have hurt me repeatedly and deeply with your drinking and cheating and I've made up MY mind that I'm not going to stay married to you if you choose that fork again. And I really hate that you call me up and try to foist the responsibility for YOUR CHOICES onto me by pretending I am the mommy/controlling biatch who 'won't let' you drink (poor baby)."


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

highwood,

If I was you I would work on boundaries before you pull the D trigger because you take yourself with you into any future relationships.

Develop a backbone. Put your foot down.

My boundary- "I'm not staying in this M if you choose to drink when you are on the road."


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Blonde you are 100% right.  H does that to me...and I know sometimes he wants me to be the bad guy and say no..this way he can say well my wife said no this way it takes the heat off of me.

You are right though I have to develop a backbone from this point on...perhaps becuase he makes so much more than me maybe that is why I agree to it...who knows???


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

I NEVER loan money to those that happen to be related to me, they are always the first to not pay it back and act as if they are confused as to why I'm upset with them. Now the very small family that I have I'd never loan money to them either. It's a gift, expecting it back only adds stress to me and mine. I've always gotten it back one way or another with family. (Imo family is not the same as relations, being related has ZERO bearing on being my family)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cons (Aug 13, 2013)

I agree with Blonde 100%...

It was just as much YOUR decision to loan the money as it was your husbands. Holding it against your husband doesn't make sense.


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## ariel_angel77 (May 23, 2014)

Not at all. It is one of the things he has done that pisses me off the most. Not only do we barely have enough money to support ourselves, but all of his family members smoke and I don't believe in lending money to smokers. You need gas money? Well maybe you can't afford your habit them. Oh and don't even get me started on when he lent money to his pot smoking brother.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

cons said:


> I agree with Blonde 100%...
> 
> It was just as much YOUR decision to loan the money as it was your husbands. Holding it against your husband doesn't make sense.


I hear you...I wish though that he had the balls to say no right off the bat and I would have never known. Regardless I hear what you are saying....

Plus he was so adament don't worry he will pay us back..he said that over and over and over.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

highwood said:


> He knows that if we do not get the money back that he will be hearing about it from me for enternity.


You already know that you are going to be resentful about this. For eternity!!!

Resentment can kill a relationship. Nobody is perfect and things happen over time. 

I hope you aren't resentful about other things that are over and done with. Could be one of the reasons that you are talking about the 'demise of your marriage'!!!


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

SadSamIAm said:


> You already know that you are going to be resentful about this. For eternity!!!
> 
> Resentment can kill a relationship. Nobody is perfect and things happen over time.
> 
> I hope you aren't resentful about other things that are over and done with. Could be one of the reasons that you are talking about the 'demise of your marriage'!!!


I agree...resentment can kill a marraige.

I think part of it is that when we have to buy something say for the house or whatever..his attitude is always like get the cheapest we can yet he can go and throw away $3,200.00.

I just bought a car recently and was looking at different packages and was pondering getting leather interior and he was like why do you need leather..don't bother with that it is too expensive.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

That is why I like this board though becuase of different perspectives Good to hear sometimes!!!!


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Just a thought!!! 

I have never had to borrow money, but if I did, I would only ask a couple of people. They are really good friends, that I know I can count on.

Would you rather want a husband that has really good friends that can count on him, or would you want a husband who wouldn't help out his friends.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

This guy should count on himself..he is single and in his early 50s..was spending money like crazy last year...bought a parrot as a pet for $5,000.00, bought a lake lot, an RV and a boat as well.

Plus bought a new shed for $3,000.00 to put on his parents farm amongst the many sheds that were already there, just to put more junk into it.

SOrry his "good friends" that are counting on him are no friends of mine. My attitude about money is you take care of yourself and be responsible this way if times are tough you can fend for yourself.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

highwood said:


> This guy should count on himself..he is single and in his early 50s..was spending money like crazy last year...bought a parrot as a pet for $5,000.00, bought a lake lot, an RV and a boat as well.
> 
> Plus bought a new shed for $3,000.00 to put on his parents farm amongst the many sheds that were already there, just to put more junk into it.
> 
> SOrry his "good friends" that are counting on him are no friends of mine. My attitude about money is you take care of yourself and be responsible this way if times are tough you can fend for yourself.


This paints a different picture than your original post "Just the other day a buddy of his who he has known for years..is going thru some financial hard times."

I guess this means the answer to your question is, "It depends on the circumstances!"

Good buddy, known for years, going through hard times - No problem lending some money

Good buddy, known for years, irresponsible with money - problem lending some money


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## cons (Aug 13, 2013)

I still stand by my response....you were BOTH "ball less" in this situation....putting it all on your husband is just blame shifting.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

highwood said:


> This guy should count on himself..he is single and in his early 50s..was spending money like crazy last year...bought a parrot as a pet for $5,000.00, bought a lake lot, an RV and a boat as well.


"Sure, I'll loan you some money with your lake lot as collateral. I'll get some legal paperwork drawn up." 

Wow, honey, you are such a shrewd money manager. Kiss kiss. Either we get our money back promptly on fair terms OR we are the proud owners of a lake lot at far below market value.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Irresponsible with money yes he is...however I did not think anything of it all last year when I would hear about him buying this and that. Honestly I think my H does not tell me the full story about this guy and his money.

I wonder as well if he is borrowing from others and maybe needed that $3,200.00 to pay back someone else...would not surprise me. I could see him hitting up his family even his grown kids up for cash.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

cons said:


> I still stand by my response....you were BOTH "ball less" in this situation....putting it all on your husband is just blame shifting.


I agree with you...in hindsight I should have said absolutely no. H would have no choice then but to tell him no.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

highwood said:


> I think part of it is that *when we have to buy something say for the house or whatever..his attitude is always like get the cheapest we can* yet he can go and throw away $3,200.00.


Do you have joint checking? Buy high quality stuff and bring it home or have it delivered.

I'm extremely frugal about lots of expenses but putting quality materials into your home renovation projects pays back handsomely in the long run (as well as making life more pleasant).

I used to be EXTREMELY frugal. Ran a household of 10 on <50K for many many years and managed to pay off our 15y mortgage in 11y. H would sometimes blow a HUGE amt (for our budget) on another antique tractor (he has 4 now)

Finally I wised up and started buying nice things for me. Nice new front loading washing machine and dryer, all new nice grade kitchen appliances (after a kitchen renovation which took YEARS for me to finally get)

What's good for the gander is good for the goose. If he can randomly drop $3200 so can I. 

Imagine the FUN you can have highwood. :toast:


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

When I told H that he could have just said no to him and I would have never known about it..he said well how can you say no if a guy is desperate? Well of course everytime someone asks you for money they are always going to make it sound like if you don't loan it to them they will end up losing their truck, or sleeping on the street, etc. etc. etc.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

This was at lunch today and then H got on my case about some debt I have...a $3,000.00 line of credit that I am paying off myself as I work full time, which I plan to have paid off within 3 or 4 months. I said to him wow $3,000.00 is not bad considering we know couples that have credit card debt of up to $50,000.00 and one of them is not working.


H and I just have our mortgage and we only have about 7 years left on that...and have lots of equity in our house. I have a car loan debt and other than that nothing else. We have excellent savings, etc. but he freaks out because I owe $3,000.00, which I myself is paying off because over the last year paying for courses, textbooks, etc. towards my degree so that is what the $3,000.00 went toward.

So I said to him well if we get the money back we can just put it on my $3,000.00 and then that is wiped out. I then can easily double and even triple my car payments and have that paid off quickly. 

He gets so paranoid about having debt....I mean almost to the point where it is the end of the world.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

Why didn't he use the $3200 to pay off your debt then?

Do you not have joint finances?

H and I are both debt averse (except for a home mortgage and we paid our 15y mortgage off in 11y)

We've never bought new cars and never had a car loan in our lives (we are in our 50's). 

I love my (new to me) 2003 sporty looking manual red Dodge Neon. The former owner passed away and the car was donated, then auctioned. It has <70K miles on it and we got it for $3200 cash from our mechanic who bought it at a car auction.

We pay our credit cards off every month. Have almost never paid a finance charge (the only exception being when H lost his job in 2009 when we were midstream in renovating a foreclosure we bought for $25K cash). We used the credit cards some to finish the renovation and the house rents for $950/mo. Paid the credit cards down as quickly as possible.

It feels really good to be debt free.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

His bringing up your debt was a diversionary tactic i.e. "you're in debt, too, so you're no better than my friend".

He's trying to get out of feeling guilty about his deadbeat friend. You can see where his loyalties lie and they're not with you.


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## SevenYears (Jun 23, 2014)

I think you should only lend money out if

1. You fully trust the person you are lending the money to pay you back
2. You aren't going to be put in a bad financial situation if you don't get the money back
3. They have a REALLY good reason why they need the money

I know two cases where lending money has went badly. 

Someone lent her son a lot of money when he had no job so he could buy his girlfriend of a few months an expensive engagement ring and to pay for a trip to another country to meet her family. Not the brightest decision she has made in her life. She had even gotten a loan out to do this. She struggled to pay bills but luckily family helped her out.

In another case a man who had retired lent a large amount of money to a friend of a friend. Not sure now of the exact details but they didn't get the money back (Either the friend or the person they lent money to died) They had to go back to work as they'd re mortgaged the house and couldn't afford bills anymore. I've never seen someone age so much over a short amount of time.


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