# Life After a Miscarriage



## staceymj86

A little backstory. I currently have a 9yo (previous relationship) and a 3.5yo that I share with my fiancé. We have been together for 6 years and have been friends for 15 years. Our relationship hasn’t always been peaches and cream. I have suffered from depression pretty much my whole life, and was diagnosed with PTSD last year. Since then I have been on medication for bipolar as well. We frequently have arguments and disagreements but continue to work on our relationship as we both only want to be with each other. 

In December I found out my fiancé cheated on me. He said he never went all the way with the woman, but from their text messages I think they did. I was going through a stint where I didn’t want to be touched, and refrained from sex with my fiancé. He likes affection and sex, which I wasn’t giving him. I was sexually molested as a child and am currently seeing a therapist weekly and a psychiatrist monthly to help combat these problems. 

Last week, my period was late so I decided to test. The line was faint so I thought it was a faint positive. I tested 36 hours later with a clearblue and it also said pregnant. I let my fiancé know the next day that I was pregnant. At first he was happy but after a few hours to process everything he was against it and thought a abortion was maybe the best thing due to our living situation (2 bedroom apartment with 4 people and not enough space) and getting our finances together. 

I’m guilty for saying I wanted a miscarriage to happen because I thought that’s what he wanted to hear, and he also said he hoped I miscarried. Not even 24 hours after saying that I miscarried. Im hurt, numb and grieving what could’ve been. I also feel some type of resentment to him now and don’t want to be anywhere near him. I’ve already spoken with my therapist and psychiatrist and they both informed me it’s going to take time to heal.


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## SunCMars

Life has not been kind to you.
It hasn't.

I get why you want to stay with him.
I do.

I do not understand why he continues on in this relationship.

It seems doomed.

I would separate from him.

Too much damage has been done for your relationship to heal.

I see few pluses if you stay together.

I am saying this for your fiancee's sake in this.

For your sake?
You need to heal yourself. He has tossed in the towel, it seems.

He should not have cheated. That was a low blow.
Yes.


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## bobert

The miscarriage isn't your fault, or your fiancé's. Most of the time these things just happen and there is nothing that could have prevented it. You do have to take your time to grieve, whether your fiancé is grieving with you or not.

But this...



staceymj86 said:


> we both only want to be with each other.
> 
> In December I found out my fiancé cheated on me


It really doesn't seem like he wants to be with you. If he really wanted this relationship/engagement he wouldn't be cheating and he would be working his butt off to repair what he broke. He hasn't even admitted to going all the way, yet you SAW the texts asking when they'd **** next time... He caught an STD for God's sake and still tried to play dumb, AND continue to have sex with you. And now you've continued to have sex with him...

This doesn't seem like a healthy relationship. What does your therapist say about it? Last you posted you were looking to move out, contact an attorney, etc. What happened?


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## staceymj86

bobert said:


> The miscarriage isn't your fault, or your fiancé's. Most of the time these things just happen and there is nothing that could have prevented it. You do have to take your time to grieve, whether your fiancé is grieving with you or not.
> 
> But this...
> 
> 
> It really doesn't seem like he wants to be with you. If he really wanted this relationship/engagement he wouldn't be cheating and he would be working his butt off to repair what he broke. He hasn't even admitted to going all the way, yet you SAW the texts asking when they'd **** next time... He caught an STD for God's sake and still tried to play dumb, AND continue to have sex with you. And now you've continued to have sex with him...
> 
> This doesn't seem like a healthy relationship. What does your therapist say about it? Last you posted you were looking to move out, contact an attorney, etc. What happened?


I’ve seen the change in him trying to fix this. He shares his location with me, gave me access to his phone and access to view his phone records online, he has gone out of his way to make me happy, barely uses social media anymore, and has been trying to find a therapist for couples counseling. We both got tested twice since December to make sure we didn’t catch anything and both tests for us came up negative. I use condoms with him except for the day that I had conceived which was also the day I was drunk from a date we had that night.


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## bobert

staceymj86 said:


> I’ve seen the change in him trying to fix this. He shares his location with me, gave me access to his phone and access to view his phone records online, he has gone out of his way to make me happy, barely uses social media anymore, and has been trying to find a therapist for couples counseling. We both got tested twice since December to make sure we didn’t catch anything and both tests for us came up negative. I use condoms with him except for the day that I had conceived which was also the day I was drunk from a date we had that night.


Yet he is still lying and saying he didn't go all the way...  

Couples counseling should be a no for now. He needs individual first, and you need to be honest about it all with your therapist.


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## staceymj86

SunCMars said:


> Life has not been kind to you.
> It hasn't.
> 
> I get why you want to stay with him.
> I do.
> 
> I do not understand why he continues on in this relationship.
> 
> It seems doomed.
> 
> I would separate from him.
> 
> Too much damage has been done for your relationship to heal.
> 
> I see few pluses if you stay together.
> 
> I am saying this for your fiancee's sake in this.
> 
> For your sake?
> You need to heal yourself. He has tossed in the towel, it seems.
> 
> He should not have cheated. That was a low blow.
> Yes.


He admitted that he should have tried hard enough to find out why I refrained from sex and affection. It took him sitting through 3 of my therapy sessions to find out how my childhood was and what happened to bring me to the point I am at. He sat through those 3 sessions with hurt, anger and tears on his face, that the life I tried to hide resurfaced. He has more understanding of it and why I want to break the cycle with depression. He understand why I have a hard time showing affection to him.


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## staceymj86

bobert said:


> Yet he is still lying and saying he didn't go all the way...
> 
> Couples counseling should be a no for now. He needs individual first, and you need to be honest about it all with your therapist.


He start counseling for himself in 2 weeks. I’ve laid everything out with my therapist which is why she suggested individual counseling for him before moving on to couples counseling.


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## staceymj86

One of my good friends who has went through the same thing last year, told me to take it easy. Take it one day at a time and work on me. Don’t try to get pregnant again so soon, if that’s what I want, which to be honest I don’t. My kids are getting older and it has started to get easier at home since they’re not so little. Getting pregnant wasn’t my intention. I was trying to avoid getting pregnant but miscalculated by a few days.


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## Openminded

.


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## sokillme

staceymj86 said:


> A little backstory. I currently have a 9yo (previous relationship) and a 3.5yo that I share with my fiancé. We have been together for 6 years and have been friends for 15 years. Our relationship hasn’t always been peaches and cream. I have suffered from depression pretty much my whole life, and was diagnosed with PTSD last year. Since then I have been on medication for bipolar as well. We frequently have arguments and disagreements but continue to work on our relationship as we both only want to be with each other.
> 
> In December I found out my fiancé cheated on me. He said he never went all the way with the woman, but from their text messages I think they did. I was going through a stint where I didn’t want to be touched, and refrained from sex with my fiancé. He likes affection and sex, which I wasn’t giving him. I was sexually molested as a child and am currently seeing a therapist weekly and a psychiatrist monthly to help combat these problems.
> 
> Last week, my period was late so I decided to test. The line was faint so I thought it was a faint positive. I tested 36 hours later with a clearblue and it also said pregnant. I let my fiancé know the next day that I was pregnant. At first he was happy but after a few hours to process everything he was against it and thought a abortion was maybe the best thing due to our living situation (2 bedroom apartment with 4 people and not enough space) and getting our finances together.
> 
> I’m guilty for saying I wanted a miscarriage to happen because I thought that’s what he wanted to hear, and he also said he hoped I miscarried. Not even 24 hours after saying that I miscarried. Im hurt, numb and grieving what could’ve been. I also feel some type of resentment to him now and don’t want to be anywhere near him. I’ve already spoken with my therapist and psychiatrist and they both informed me it’s going to take time to heal.


First off you didn't have a miscarriage because you said that. Don't allow yourself to feel guilty. Listen you are NOT A BAD PERSON because you got pregnant and got nervous about it. That's pretty normal. Also your cheating boyfriend did you no favors. But you should address the emotional aftermath of that, it's no small thing, unfortunately it's just another trauma you have to face.

All of this is SO hard. I am very sorry what you are going through. You have had so many challenges and that isn't your fault. Also don't take ownership of these things. You DON'T deserve any of this. You didn't deserve to be abused as a child and you didn't deserve to be cheated on and abused as an adult because you didn't want to be touched. 

All that being said are you sure it's wise to stay with this guy? Seems like he is not improving your life and it's also seems like he doesn't have the stuff to help you in the way that you need. That doesn't mean if you found an empathetic man who is emotionally intelligent that he might now be an emotional benefit to you. Not to fix your issues, only you can do that but maybe as a partner. 

It seems to me you are on the right path because you are addressing your trauma and learning good skills to integrate and fight against some of your difficult history and how that might effect your relationship adversely. This is really great and you have the potential to brake the cycle. 

Look, I think I appreciate this more because my Mom had very rough childhood. Not as bad as yours but her Father died when she was very young and wasn't around anyway, they went from having a lot of money, to a one point she was put in a children's home for a little while because money was so tight. Anyway my Grandfather whom my Grandma married when my Mom was a teenager came along and from about the age of 12 she had a nice middle class life. 

Here is the thing she never really learned about men and how to pick them, not her fault at least at first. So she constantly introduced bad men into her and eventually my life, even today some of the people she chooses (particularly) men as religious leaders that she may watch on television are not good people in my mind. The issue with this is that in some of her choices she continued to re-traumatized herself. I think she would even admit that and has at least passivly done so as after she divorced my step-father because she decided to never have a romantic relationship again. Though she is very pretty and had lots of opportunities.

So on the one hand up until her middle age she had a very hard time of it, but on the other a lot of that was because of who she picked to associate with.

I don't know why you are with this guy, I mean I have some ideas and it should be said that people who are abused do often pick the same kind of people to be with. Often because it's all they know and has been normalized but also because there is this thing about reliving trauma and trying to produce a new outcome to give one a sense of control. But it seems to me it might be a lot easier if you were with someone who can be a help to you and not an hindrance. You have to believe you are worth that though, 

Anyway I am sorry this happened to you.


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## staceymj86

Openminded said:


> My first pregnancy was planned. My second one wasn’t. I had only ever wanted one child so I wasn’t thrilled the second time as I had been the first time. I had a first trimester miscarriage and, surprisingly, was devastated — which I didn’t expect. However, I returned to “normal” not long after and never considered trying again. One and done. But … decades later I still remember my due date for that lost child. Miscarriages can bring very mixed emotions.


I also had a first trimester miscarriage. My due date was 3 days before my birthday. I didn’t think it would hit me hard but it did and I have had periods where I’m okay and periods where I break down and cry.


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## Openminded

staceymj86 said:


> I also had a first trimester miscarriage. My due date was 3 days before my birthday. I didn’t think it would hit me hard but it did and I have had periods where I’m okay and periods where I break down and cry.


Totally normal. I did the same.


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## oldshirt

Please continue with your therapies and treatments and counseling. 

Miscarriages can be very upsetting and even traumatic for people and it is quite common for everyone to have a wide range of mixed feelings and emotions with any pregnancy, especially one that is unplanned and unexpected. 

when a miscarriage occurs, it can challenge, damage or even destroy the best of marriages. 

And I'm not sure there ever is a "right" way for a man to behave when a miscarriage occurs. It seems no matter how a man responds, it will be wrong in some way. 

If he doesn't respond emotionally enough with sadness and upset enough etc, he is looked at as uncaring and unsupportive and not wanting a family etc (ask me how I know)

But if he becomes too emotional, then he is seen as weak and not dependable or supportive and it can also add to the mother's feelings of guilt and failure etc. 

So no matter how the guy reacts and responds, it will usually been seen as a negative in some way and that can definately add to the marital discord that can occur with a miscarriage. 

So do remain in your counseling and therapies and keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep working through the process.


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## Harold Demure

My wife had a first trimester miscarriage when we were both 16. We had been together for a long time by then, knew that the pregnancy was going to change our lives but were willing to move forward together.

The miscarriage meant our lives could move forward in a more “normal” way. It should have been, and was, a relief but we both found it incredibly upsetting. Even now, almost 50 years later, something will trigger a memory and we both still grieve a little. We had chosen names for a boy or girl which remained special to the baby we lost and we used other names for our children.

Another child would have made your living conditions difficult and, if you are like us, you realise there is, or will be, an element of you that thinks the miscarriage is for the best. That is not being cold hearted, just recognising that you and/or your partner may have these thoughts and there is absolutely no need for guilt. It is natural for both of you to have a real sense of loss as well which is very difficult to get over. My wife and I went through a period of real sadness and grief after the miscarriage. 

Please do not feel guilty about your miscarriage, it wasn’t your or his thoughts that caused it. Things do get better.

I wonder if your fiancé switched into dealing with practicalities when dealing with this unexpected news and whether he is hiding his grief. I can understand you feeling some resentment towards him but is this an expression of your grief where you are looking, in part, for someone or something to blame? Not being at all critical or judgemental in asking this. 

Hope this and other posts help you realise you are not alone in dealing with a deeply personal loss and people on here can show empathy as well as sympathy. I have never talked about this before with anyone but my wife and am quite emotional as I write. Being able to write on here has been quite cathartic and I hope you find this site a big support.

I hope that you and your fiancé have a better understanding of the issues affecting your relationship and that enables you to move forward together. May you have a long, happy and fruitful life together.


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## staceymj86

I hate to have to come back to this thread, but sadly I’m having an ectopic pregnancy and this one has hurt the most, as I’m still walking around feeling pregnancy symptoms and hoping my body absorb the baby so I don’t need another injection or surgery. Everything f has been like a ticking time bomb and my mental health has deteriorated since then. I’m still going to therapy and seeing my psychiatrist weekly. Medication has helped immensely, and hopefully with the coming holidays, that will distract me. 

I haven’t shared this info with anyone except my fiancé and his mom, since she has helped out with my kids, while I have weekly doctor appointments to monitor my HCG levels. I don’t know how to move on from this. I’m starting to feel like I won’t have a 3rd child. I’ll be 35 next month and am hoping that my age isn’t a factor in why this keep happening, even though it’s been 2 miscarriages, but back to back.


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## bobert

staceymj86 said:


> I hate to have to come back to this thread, but sadly I’m having an ectopic pregnancy and this one has hurt the most, as I’m still walking around feeling pregnancy symptoms and hoping my body absorb the baby so I don’t need another injection or surgery. Everything f has been like a ticking time bomb and my mental health has deteriorated since then. I’m still going to therapy and seeing my psychiatrist weekly. Medication has helped immensely, and hopefully with the coming holidays, that will distract me.
> 
> I haven’t shared this info with anyone except my fiancé and his mom, since she has helped out with my kids, while I have weekly doctor appointments to monitor my HCG levels. I don’t know how to move on from this. I’m starting to feel like I won’t have a 3rd child. I’ll be 35 next month and am hoping that my age isn’t a factor in why this keep happening, even though it’s been 2 miscarriages, but back to back.


I'm sorry you're going through this, @staceymj86. Like last time, it is going to take time to heal. 

I wouldn't start blaming your age yet. Miscarriages are relatively common, unfortunately. My wife has been pregnant about 13 times (give or take) and we have 5 kids so... 

If you haven't already and when you are ready, can you see a fertility specialist? Once you hit 35 they will usually see you after 6 months of issues/trying. They may be able to figure out what's going on (blocked tubes, over/under mature eggs being released, etc), or help you sustain your next pregnancy with meds like progesterone, heparin, baby aspirin, etc. 

Have things been improving with your fiancé?


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## Bluesclues

staceymj86 said:


> I hate to have to come back to this thread, but sadly I’m having an ectopic pregnancy and this one has hurt the most, as I’m still walking around feeling pregnancy symptoms and hoping my body absorb the baby so I don’t need another injection or surgery. Everything f has been like a ticking time bomb and my mental health has deteriorated since then. I’m still going to therapy and seeing my psychiatrist weekly. Medication has helped immensely, and hopefully with the coming holidays, that will distract me.
> 
> I haven’t shared this info with anyone except my fiancé and his mom, since she has helped out with my kids, while I have weekly doctor appointments to monitor my HCG levels. I don’t know how to move on from this. I’m starting to feel like I won’t have a 3rd child. I’ll be 35 next month and am hoping that my age isn’t a factor in why this keep happening, even though it’s been 2 miscarriages, but back to back.


I am so sorry you are going through this. I truly know how hard it is. What was your fiancés reaction to this pregnancy?


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## staceymj86

bobert said:


> I'm sorry you're going through this, @staceymj86. Like last time, it is going to take time to heal.
> 
> I wouldn't start blaming your age yet. Miscarriages are relatively common, unfortunately. My wife has been pregnant about 13 times (give or take) and we have 5 kids so...
> 
> If you haven't already and when you are ready, can you see a fertility specialist? Once you hit 35 they will usually see you after 6 months of issues/trying. They may be able to figure out what's going on (blocked tubes, over/under mature eggs being released, etc), or help you sustain your next pregnancy with meds like progesterone, heparin, baby aspirin, etc.
> 
> Have things been improving with your fiancé?


I have a follow up appointment coming up. I’m going to discuss genetic testing to rule out anything. I’m now considered high risk before I even try to get pregnant again if I want to try again. I was just starting to almost feel like myself again before this happened. 

My fiancé is so supportive of what’s going on. It’s affected him too and he has discussed this with me. We are in a much better place.


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## staceymj86

Bluesclues said:


> I am so sorry you are going through this. I truly know how hard it is. What was your fiancés reaction to this pregnancy?


He was happy. We both knew some changes were going to come financially, and we knew we were going to have to start searching for a house for more room. We are both in a better spot financially. This one has broke his heart.


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## Diana7

Did you both agree to trying for another child?


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## staceymj86

Diana7 said:


> Did you both agree to trying for another child?


Yes we did. People would say I’m crazy for this, but I don’t want to wait another year to try. I suggested to him we should wait for a year before trying for another. In no way am I trying to replace the 2 kids I lost and the empty feeling I have.


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## jonty30

staceymj86 said:


> A little backstory. I currently have a 9yo (previous relationship) and a 3.5yo that I share with my fiancé. We have been together for 6 years and have been friends for 15 years. Our relationship hasn’t always been peaches and cream. I have suffered from depression pretty much my whole life, and was diagnosed with PTSD last year. Since then I have been on medication for bipolar as well. We frequently have arguments and disagreements but continue to work on our relationship as we both only want to be with each other.
> 
> In December I found out my fiancé cheated on me. He said he never went all the way with the woman, but from their text messages I think they did. I was going through a stint where I didn’t want to be touched, and refrained from sex with my fiancé. He likes affection and sex, which I wasn’t giving him. I was sexually molested as a child and am currently seeing a therapist weekly and a psychiatrist monthly to help combat these problems.
> 
> Last week, my period was late so I decided to test. The line was faint so I thought it was a faint positive. I tested 36 hours later with a clearblue and it also said pregnant. I let my fiancé know the next day that I was pregnant. At first he was happy but after a few hours to process everything he was against it and thought a abortion was maybe the best thing due to our living situation (2 bedroom apartment with 4 people and not enough space) and getting our finances together.
> 
> I’m guilty for saying I wanted a miscarriage to happen because I thought that’s what he wanted to hear, and he also said he hoped I miscarried. Not even 24 hours after saying that I miscarried. Im hurt, numb and grieving what could’ve been. I also feel some type of resentment to him now and don’t want to be anywhere near him. I’ve already spoken with my therapist and psychiatrist and they both informed me it’s going to take time to heal.


I'm calling your boyfriend out. You don't be unfaithful and then don't go all the way.

He's immature fir being unwilling to be the child's father once he knew you were pregnant. 

I wouldn't trust him to be there for you if you have children.


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## staceymj86

jonty30 said:


> I'm calling your boyfriend out. You don't be unfaithful and then don't go all the way.
> 
> He's immature fir being unwilling to be the child's father once he knew you were pregnant.
> 
> I wouldn't trust him to be there for you if you have children.


We have 1 biological child and I have 1 from a previous relationship. He said he wasn’t financially where he wanted to be to raise a third child. Now we both have gotten raises with another to come this month and both work in the same field but different locations.


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## 24NitroglyceriN26

staceymj86 said:


> A little backstory. I currently have a 9yo (previous relationship) and a 3.5yo that I share with my fiancé. We have been together for 6 years and have been friends for 15 years. Our relationship hasn’t always been peaches and cream. I have suffered from depression pretty much my whole life, and was diagnosed with PTSD last year. Since then I have been on medication for bipolar as well. We frequently have arguments and disagreements but continue to work on our relationship as we both only want to be with each other.
> 
> In December I found out my fiancé cheated on me. He said he never went all the way with the woman, but from their text messages I think they did. I was going through a stint where I didn’t want to be touched, and refrained from sex with my fiancé. He likes affection and sex, which I wasn’t giving him. I was sexually molested as a child and am currently seeing a therapist weekly and a psychiatrist monthly to help combat these problems.
> 
> Last week, my period was late so I decided to test. The line was faint so I thought it was a faint positive. I tested 36 hours later with a clearblue and it also said pregnant. I let my fiancé know the next day that I was pregnant. At first he was happy but after a few hours to process everything he was against it and thought a abortion was maybe the best thing due to our living situation (2 bedroom apartment with 4 people and not enough space) and getting our finances together.
> 
> I’m guilty for saying I wanted a miscarriage to happen because I thought that’s what he wanted to hear, and he also said he hoped I miscarried. Not even 24 hours after saying that I miscarried. Im hurt, numb and grieving what could’ve been. I also feel some type of resentment to him now and don’t want to be anywhere near him. I’ve already spoken with my therapist and psychiatrist and they both informed me it’s going to take time to heal.


Why don't you believe that you wanted the miscarriage and it was granted?


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## staceymj86

Bull Frog Kisser said:


> Why don't you believe that you wanted the miscarriage and it was granted?


I only said it because I thought my fiancé didn’t want anymore kids and was going to try to push an abortion. He admitted he didn’t want me to have an abortion or miscarriage. The timing I got pregnant was bad for him.


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