# Pulling the plug



## MYM1430 (Nov 7, 2011)

Sex in my marriage has been waning for the last few years in both quantity and quality. It is mostly my fault. But I am convinced it will be easier for me to handle if there is no sex at all than poor sex a couple times a month. I love my wife, desire her sexually, have quality time with her but I feel like our sexuality is dying. Neither of us seem willing to make a move in the right direction. Is a sexual moratorium a reasonable alternative to poor, infrequent sex? Has it worked for anyone?


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

MYM1430 said:


> Sex in my marriage has been waning for the last few years in both quantity and quality. It is mostly my fault. But I am convinced it will be easier for me to handle if there is no sex at all than poor sex a couple times a month. I love my wife, desire her sexually, have quality time with her but I feel like our sexuality is dying. *Neither of us seem willing to make a move in the right direction. *Is a sexual moratorium a reasonable alternative to poor, infrequent sex? Has it worked for anyone?


What does that mean, "make a move in the right direction"? Why aren't you having sex more? Which one of you doesn't want sex more? Are you initiating and getting rejected? Is she? Have you tried anything to spice it up? Have you discussed this with her?


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> Neither of us seem willing


Without the will to make changes, you continue to fail one another.

It starts with you.


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## MYM1430 (Nov 7, 2011)

I have had some self-esteem/depression issues over the years. She had developed a Vitamin D defeciency and things went from there. My initiating died out about a year ago but it was never very strong. I think I interpreted her resisting as rejection for many years when she just needed an extra push. No spice. No discussion.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

It's been my understanding that sexless marriages are pretty miserable. 

Personally, 1/2 the reason I got married was for the regularity of sex. I love it. I need it. It's a necessary part of my life... sharing physical love with my husband is the greatest expression of my love for him in a way he completely understands. I couldn't imagine not having that bond with him. I know we'll get older and the sex will slow down and maybe stop, but while we're still able, we're getting it on.


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## MYM1430 (Nov 7, 2011)

How do I start the conversation? I fear that there are deeper issues that will come out if we open up about this.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

MYM1430 said:


> How do I start the conversation? I fear that there are deeper issues that will come out if we open up about this.


What do you have to lose? Just start talking about it. Start with the fact that you know she can't be happy with your relationship. It's the truth isn't it?


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## MYM1430 (Nov 7, 2011)

I think we both don't want to go down a road of criticism and complaint. I know what her sore points are and to start the conversation would lead to those sore points. And she tells me afterward how she doesn't want to go back to those thoughts and words of criticism so I avoid the topic.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

If ever I've seen a case that's begging for a third party counselor, this is it!

The two of you need to get in a room with a counselor who will set guidelines on how the issues in your marriage can be safely raised and dealt with

Otherwise the two of you should just part ways


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## MYM1430 (Nov 7, 2011)

We don't want to split. We are just settling into a routine of little sex and I wanted to hear advice whether cold turkey (no sex) was better than table scraps (poor sex).


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

MYM1430 said:


> I think we both don't want to go down a road of criticism and complaint. I know what her sore points are and to start the conversation would lead to those sore points. And she tells me afterward how she doesn't want to go back to those thoughts and words of criticism so I avoid the topic.


So pretending to not see the elephant is better than acknowledging it's there? No bueno. 

You have a stalemate because you refuse to take action. Talking about whats wrong is an active way to solve a problem. If you can't even bring yourself to do that, then why bother? Just keep avoiding it altogether if thats been working for you.


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## MYM1430 (Nov 7, 2011)

Thanks for your input. It's off to my counseling appt.


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

MYM1430 said:


> How do I start the conversation? I fear that there are deeper issues that will come out if we open up about this.


Uh, well yeah. Those deeper issues are why you're not getting sex.


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

MYM1430 said:


> I think we both don't want to go down a road of criticism and complaint. I know what her sore points are and to start the conversation would lead to those sore points. And she tells me afterward how she doesn't want to go back to those thoughts and words of criticism so I avoid the topic.


So if you know what her criticisms are (assuming they're legitimate) why aren't you doing anything about them? Getting your sh*t together is the first step to getting more sex from your wife.


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## MYM1430 (Nov 7, 2011)

#1. I don't make enough to support my family / she has to work.
#2. I am too passive, low self-esteem / she has to lead.
#3. I express no boundaries or needs / she doesn't know me.

#1. I have a useless degree and a dead-end job, but have a side job that brings in some extra $.
#2. I am in individual counseling.
#3. Starting to enforce a few boundaries.

I think I am too vulnerable right now to open up the sex can of worms.


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

Read No More Mr. Nice Guy and Married Man's Sex Life Primer. You don't need a moratorium. You just need to take care of the sh*t she needs taken care of.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Read Athol Kays book. We need to lead and when you do both benefit.


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