# Am I Creating Problems or Are Problems Real?



## needadviceplease (Sep 13, 2011)

I'm a 29 year old woman who's been dating a 38 year old man for the past 3 years. He's older than me so he wants to start a family pretty soon. I don't think I'm ready for that. I don't think kids are cute. Everyone assures me that my biological clock will go off at some point and I will want kids then. I'm willing to wait for that to happen, but I don't want to have kids before I'm ready. It's just too big a decision and it affects their lives too. 

The thing is, this man is almost perfect in all other ways. He treats me so well. And I know he'll make a great father. If I did want kids, he'd be the one I'd choose to be their dad. He's gentle, loving, and fun, and he's also firm and consistent and fair. We share most of the same parenting values.

Our daily life together is fantastic. We cook together, read together, play with our dogs, and make art projects together. We laugh and smile a lot. All my friends and family adore him. I feel lucky to have met someone who is so sweet to me, and is so loyal and treats me well.

We have some other problems. One is that our families are from *very* different religions and cultural backgrounds. We don't see them a lot so it doesn't come up a lot in our lives, but when family visits or holidays come around, I get very depressed and anxious because all the differences are highlighted. I cringe when I think of his family around our kids, and it's part of the reason I'm worried about having kids. 

Another problem is we don't have a very active sex life. He would like to do more. But I love him like he's my best friend. I've never been turned on by him, even in the beginning, and 3 years later, it's the same thing. He's tried all kinds of different approaches. I just can't get turned on by him. I fantasize about other people. I've had a few two-year relationships before this, and I never had this problem with other people before. I don't know if I'm ready to give up enjoying sex at the age of 29... there's still a lot of years to go.

Also, there is the issue of our friends. He loves all my friends but I don't love his. He's still very good friends with his ex wife and her boyfriend, and I can't stand them. They always end up at our parties and everyone else in the room avoids them because they're so loud and say inappropriate things. But my boyfriend thinks everyone in the world is a special snowflake and I need to just stop being negative. 

I've gone and listed a lot of problems. But with the exception of those things, our relationship is perfect. There is a lot of love and trust there. He treats me so well and goes out of his way to do nice things for me. We love surprising each other with little presents. We snuggle on the couch with our dogs and read books to each other. I know that we can talk about any subject and disagree on anything without getting irrational or angry. It's a really nice life together. 

But here's the thing. I know he wants to propose to me. We've talked about marriage. I'm almost sure he's bought a ring already. And I am freaking out. I actually started picking fights with him right before I thought he was going to propose, just so he wouldn't do it and it would give me more time. I don't know why I'm so scared of committing to him. On paper, everything is great. I don't think I could ever find a guy more compatible with me than him. 

As a result of the fights I was starting, we decided to go on a break from each other. Pretty much the next day, I ended up in bed with a friend I've known for years, who I've always had a mutual crush on. In fact, I had started dreaming about him a lot in the few weeks leading up to this, and I wonder if it wasn't in the back of my mind when I started fighting with my boyfriend in the first place. 

Now I am in the middle between the two men. It doesn't help that my friend is amazing in bed, where I've been missing that kind of action for 3 years now. So it is pretty hard to give that up. My boyfriend gave me an ultimatum to choose between them, and I went back with my boyfriend, but I couldn't stop thinking about the other guy, and my boyfriend sent me out of the house rather than have me around if I was just going to be moping and lovesick over the other man. He said to stay away until I've figured out what I want. All of the things that give me pause about my boyfriend (his age, family, religion, ex-wife, wanting kids) are not factors with my other friend. In fact, my friend and I are *really* compatible in a lot of ways my boyfriend and I aren't. I feel like I am seriously falling in love with him, and I know if that happens, it will be the end of any chance to make things up with my boyfriend before it's too late. 

My question is this: What should I do? I know my boyfriend is a one-in-a-million catch. But being with him before I'm ready to commit isn't doing either of us any favors. Meanwhile, I'm head-over-heels about my friend, but I know intense flames don't last, and I worry that he won't be as perfect as he seems after a few months, when I regret leaving my boyfriend. 

Should I go back to my boyfriend and try to work things out, or are our problems just too much?

Or am I creating problems just because I'm infatuated with someone else?

I'd love your opinions. Thank you for reading this long thing.


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## smartyblue (Jun 22, 2011)

My ex-husband and I were GREAT friends! We lasted quite a while together but, I never wanted to have sex with him. I wasn't attracted to him that way. Thank goodness he found someone else who was attracted to him. We divorced and they got married.

If you don't want to tear his clothes off regularly, he may not be the one. You should want, crave his touch.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

I agree. DO NOT marry a man if there is no sexual attraction. He will be here posting in a year, and you will be wondering why you two no longer communicate or have any fun together. It is not fair to either one of you to marry when you do not intend to fulfill the most important part of marriage: a sexual connection.


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## southernmagnolia (Apr 12, 2011)

Your b/f is not right for you, too many fundamental differences and the lack of sexual attraction is a biggie. I think you already know this deep down but you are trying to convince yourself otherwise because he seems like a great catch.

The other bigger problem you need to address is that you ARE cheating. That speaks to a character flaw within yourself. Personally I think you are self sabotaging yourself and wanting your bf to end the relationship so you won't have to. You need to address whatever is inside of you that is causing you to choose to cheat. It's NOT healthy nor is it the right thing to do to another.


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## loiue (Sep 7, 2011)

I beleive your heart is already telling you what you need to know. As much as you like you bf it doesnt seem as though as it will last. 
On paper he seems like the perfect guy but in reality if its not working sexually it can add alot of pressure and bitterness towards your partner...I should know I am currently going through problems myself.
I think you are very logical in not wanting children with him, it doesnt feel right to you.
I think you should listen to your heart and save yourself alot of trouble and misery that is involved in committing yourself to a sexless marriage or partnership.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

You threw a 3 yr relationship, with a supposedly pretty perfect SO, away in ONE DAY

You pretty much answered your own question

Physical attraction is part of the whole package, and if you can't get yourself turned on enuff, to be satisfied by him, then give yourself, and him, a present---tell him, you need to end the relationship---for you will cheat, and cheat, on him

You haven't said anything about your lover, and depending on the circumstances, and what you said---he had to know you were in a serious relationship, but he still partnered you in your physical activities, so he is not a good guy.

Give your SO, a present set him free---you don't really love him, otherwise, you would not have had sex one day into a break, and now follow it with an obsession


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## Open4it (Sep 1, 2011)

Ask this man if he's ready to go without sex for the rest of his life or if he's ok with not having children in part because you *cringe* thinking of his family around them. I'm sure he'll help you decide what you should do quickly enough.

If after 3 years of being with this man you're still not sure, I'd say the answer to your question is ...

Love him enough to let him go find someone who does want to bang his bones and bear his children. 
It would be the least selfish thing to do.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I agree with everyone else. Time to move on. There are fundamental differences with you and boyfriend. Don't drag it out either...that is not fair to your boyf. Re: the guy you cheated with...like someone else said...he had no problems sleeping with you knowing you are in. A serious long term relationship. Don't be surprised if you realize you can't trust eachother. Bad foundation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

neither of you will be happy if you get married.

move on so he can move on.


be glad you figured this out before you got married.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

A marriage is a sexual relationship. There's really no getting around that one.


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## charlene (Jul 21, 2011)

I agree with everyone else too. If you continue to be with your boyfriend you might cheat again. And that's not a happy relationship. If you split up to be with the other guy, he might not give you the comfort you use to have with your boyfriend( or may be he can, nobody knows) I sort of think that intense flames don't last too, but you need to experience them in order to move on or to realise what you want. Because i think you're not sure / you said that actually /
Good luck!


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## needadviceplease (Sep 13, 2011)

Thank you all for your advice and help. I am amazed by the immediate and thoughtful replies. I saw a therapist for the first time in my life yesterday about this problem, and I was very disappointed by the lack of direction he gave me (that's why I posted here). You are all doing a good deed by reading this and giving your honest opinions. 

If you're curious about an update, I have called things off with the other man (he says he will remain hopeful that I might come back someday, but he doesn't want me to choose him too hastily and end up regretting it). 

I have also paused things with my boyfriend. He still thinks we can make things work if we start our sex lives over and take the time to learn each other's bodies better. I would love to believe that this could work eventually, but at the moment I am too caught up in emotions to start on a project like that. So I am going to take a break from both of them, stay at a neutral friend's house for a while, and try to figure out what I want out of life. He says it's a good idea, and he's put a profile on a dating site for himself in the meantime. We are just going to take it very slow and try not to expect anything magical.

I agree with all of you that sex is important and I should let my boyfriend go if I can't make myself feel that way about him. It hurt to see the prediction that I will keep cheating otherwise, but you're right. If I'm not enjoying sex with my husband, it will be a lifelong temptation to wander. And that's not something I want for either of us. 

So my plan for the near future is to remove myself from the situation and see if I can't get some distance and clarity, and maybe after that I will know how realistic it is to expect things could change with my level of attraction to him.

Thank you all for listening and giving your opinion. You are helping me figure things out. It helps just knowing I'm not alone.


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## RNNALABAMA (Sep 13, 2011)

I would have to agree...this is why I strayed from my marriage. I had very very deep feelings for my Husband (ex now) and the very thought of leaving him hurt me so bad but I was NOT attracted to him any longer AT ALL. I think men let us see 'too much'...(burping, occasionally passing gas, smelling the stinky bathroom after they poop)...who knows, this stuff is a turn off to me and it really turned me off to him. (superficial, I know) I dearly love my ex-husband but I could not ever see myself having sex with him. It's like someone turned off a light switch.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

needadviceplease said:


> I've gone and listed a lot of problems. But with the exception of those things, our relationship is perfect.


lol
I`m sorry but using the word "perfect" to describe your relationship is kinda silly.

-You`re not sexually attracted to this man therefore this relationship will not work.
-He wants kids and you don`t, if you marry there will be serious resentment somewhere due to this.
-You`ve already cheated on him.

Dump him and see how it goes with the guy you are attracted to.
Anything else is going to be nothing but serious pain for him.
The pain he feels because of you leaving him now will be nothing compared to what the years of living with a wife who does`t desire you while keeping you from building the family you want until she wastes the best years of your life before divorcing and or cheating on you will do to him.

Have some mercy for the guy.



> Should I go back to my boyfriend and try to work things out, or are our problems just too much?


No..no way.
Your problems are too much.


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## needadviceplease (Sep 13, 2011)

Hi everyone: an update.

My boyfriend was very strongly suggesting that we should try sleeping together again, because he has been watching instructional videos and wants to make the effort to learn my body. So we did. And, what do you know, it really has gotten better. I think that I could start to be attracted to him if things continue like this. 

So, I'll ask again, for you who say no sexual attraction is the main reason to break up. If sexual attraction could be developed, would your answer still be the same? 

I am so confused.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

A good marriage consists of sexual attraction and meeting each other's emotional needs. You sound like you are trying to talk yourself into staying with your boyfriend. Please be very honest with yourself. Are you staying out of convenience? Does he really make your heart beat faster? If you had to look back on your life, would you want to have spent it with him?


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

You had sex with another man so perhaps you should tell you "BF" and let him find another person.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

Before you decide anything you need to tell him you slept with another man. You still need to be fair to him.


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## nnoodle (Jul 10, 2011)

I agreee with uphillbattle. You need to be honest.

I really don't understand why so many people turn to other relationships before ending the one they are in. It always damages everyone involved. So sad. 

But I also think there are other issues: namely children. You seem pretty clear children are not on your radar. If they are for your BF, this is a pretty big divide too.


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## needadviceplease (Sep 13, 2011)

I agree with you all on the honesty front. My boyfriend does know that I slept with the other man, since it happened when we were "on a break." The dishonest part is that, although I haven't been sexual with the other man since my boyfriend and I got back together, I have been emailing him and I know it's emotionally dishonest.


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## Locard (May 26, 2011)

Let the poor ****** go, you two will not survive a marriage.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

My wife was never physically attracted to me. About 10 years into our now 20 year marriage it started to effect things. She never told me. Still hasn't. I figured it out a couple of years ago. Things are awful between us now.

20 years ago the greatest thing she could have EVER done for me was to tell me she can't marry me and walk away. It would have sucked then, but I would be in a MUCH better place right now. So would she.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

RNNALABAMA said:


> I would have to agree...this is why I strayed from my marriage. I had very very deep feelings for my Husband (ex now) and the very thought of leaving him hurt me so bad but I was NOT attracted to him any longer AT ALL. I think men let us see 'too much'...(burping, occasionally passing gas, smelling the stinky bathroom after they poop)...who knows, this stuff is a turn off to me and it really turned me off to him. (superficial, I know) I dearly love my ex-husband but I could not ever see myself having sex with him. It's like someone turned off a light switch.


Not to side track the thread; but, RNNALABAMA, it sounds like you should never marry!


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