# A message to the single friends of marrieds..



## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Its good, healthy, helpful and wonderful that my wife had friends from so long ago. I am not so ridiculous to imagine that it was not necessary to have her friends, and was quite pleased to have you become my friends as well. I say all this to quell the possible complaints that I wanted to keep her locked away in a closet and never see the light of day, as you all have been told how controlling I was. I remember how our children were born around the same times, how we watched our kids grow together, shared birthday parties, holidays, summer barbeques.
Especially the close friend of hers that introduced us, and was there when our relationship grew over sixteen years from infatuation to marriage to parenthood. All along you were there, and more often than not I believe it was necessary and good; however something happened along the way. something happened that is very difficult to explain without sounding as if I am seeking to blame someone.. 
I do believe however that in a way there was a certain level of facilitation of the problems in our marriage that you had a hand in. Much like the recovering alcoholic who has life long friends that still drink and party their nights away. 

You remained single this whole time. In your desire to get out and about, I dont think you realized the draw that a single life has to someone whose married, and has all the pressures of bills, kids, work, home, bils, billls, and billllllllls...
That freedom from these things, the ability to pay for and go out and do whatever you want seems so extremely appealing to someone who may feel their own life is stuck in a rut. Even if they are unable to realize how their own inability to manage money well, exacerbated the hardships at home, thus, inflaming the rut-feeling they had, you always appeared so available to go out to clubs, bars, concerts, and other activities insisting that my wife go along with you. Did you know that she was over 40K in personal credit card debt? Did that occur to you when you asked her to buy the tickets to so many shows?
When putting two and two together and listening to her complaints of her marriage not being "fun", ever equate to how little we had to do anything with?
Were you first in line to offer guidance and intelligent advice on conserving funds, and reducing debt, allowing for more fun times with her husband, and less stress at home? How extensive that one thing alone could have affected our entire life together.

While you were single, you often mentioned men you were interested in. I overheard many conversations between my wife and you exploring the nuances of your new relationships, and the heartaches of them not working out. All to find a week later another contact had been made, and your excitement over a possible love was shared, and lived by her through you, considering the dull, drudgery of her never-do-nothing-fun marriage to me. How often you would keep her on the phone away from me and our child, with the latest soap opera of your life's goings on. After awhile, that phone became her life, and we were but pieces of furniture in the house. How often your personal issues were so difficult for you to handle, that you required her to come attend to you, and console you, or gossip with you, or discuss the possibilities with you of your next new fling. Imagine, being the husband competing with such a lavish existence.

When you first heard of my wifes interest and developing involvement with that old highschool friend of you all's, did you say, wait a minute? Did you give her caution as to consider what it was she had versus what you have not had but only chased all these years? Or did your spine go slack with the tissue thin worry of a stressed friendship between you two, if you had took a higher standing. No, your best suggestion, the culmination of your appreciation for her, and for even the friendship between you and I, resulted in your suggesting she meet him in a private place, to see if "anything" was there.

Do you feel any responsibility now? When you look into my childs eyes and see the heartache there, of seeing her family ripped apart by this disaster, do you feel that there was anything you could have said since, as you say, youve been friends longer than I have known my wife?
"Hey, step back from that fire, you could be burned"?

Thank you for your friendship. The last time i called you with my hopes in my hand, thinking perhaps I could rely on you, after everything, to maybe suggest a pause to all this, instead of answering your phone you told my wife I called, and she then called me asking me why I called you. 
I guess girls really do got their girlfriends backs first and foremost. 
I guess that life was too much for my wife to pass up.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Shooboomafoo said:


> *Do you feel any responsibility now?* When you look into my childs eyes and see the heartache there, of seeing her family ripped apart by this disaster, do you feel that there was anything you could have said since, as you say, youve been friends longer than I have known my wife?
> "Hey, step back from that fire, you could be burned"?


It's not the responsibility of any friend of a wife/husband if they end up cheating on their spouse. The only person at fault and who has the "responsibility" is the person who chose to cheat.

As for "anything you could have said" -- that is all What Ifs... even if they told the person it was a bad idea--the decision to cheat rests solely on the shoulders of one person--the one who chose it.

The blame should not be deflected to anyone else.

It's the old adage -- "If someone tells you jump of a bridge, will you do it?"


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

I know you are right Jellybeans. Just feeling a bit betrayed by a lot of people who knew about this all going on.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I totally understand. 

People can be influenced by their surroundings, things they hear, but ultimately it's up to them.

Not too long ago I had a friend who was having her head turned by "some guy." I say "some guy" because character-wise he doesn't hold a candle to her long-term partner. At all. She was asking me if she should meet up with him and what did I think and I told her categorically _HELLLLL NO._ Then she'd bring him up every few conversations and I'd tell her "Stop. I don't want to hear about this as I don't support it. You already know what happened in my marriage." 

I remember distinctly her telling me once "I blocked him from contacting me" etc and I told her "GOOD. Keep it that way!"

Eventually she told me she'd told her partner what the deal was and they are still together. A win


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## cj9947 (Jul 9, 2011)

Shooboomafoo,
I can definitely relate to your situation. Ultimately, it was up to our WWs to control their bad behavior but it is amazing how so many so called "friends" just stood by and watched our wives walk over a cliff. It has definitely altered my perception of friendship.


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## Craggy456 (Feb 22, 2011)

Shooboomafoo said:


> I know you are right Jellybeans. Just feeling a bit betrayed by a lot of people who knew about this all going on.


I'm with you. Of all the friends my H and I shared 90% of them knew what was happening and didn't clue me in


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

My husband's bff was with him the night they picked up to two skanks and took them back to said bff's house to f-ck them. I hate that "friend" now. But really, he didn't make my now ex husband do anything.

Still, I saw the bff at the grocery store one day in the produce section and wanted to dart cherry tomatoes and garlic at his eyeballs. LOL.


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

I don't want friends who would boff my wife or not tell me if she was having an A. I just don't have room for them in my life.

I agree with you on the blame....after all the affair was not 100% the OM's fault. But I don't feel at all bad for wanting to beat the snot out of him.

He had a choice to make and he chose to do this to me. enough said.


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

my husband could have wrote that....i have kicked the "friend" away....and it was a uphill battle for our relationship to mend..

some days it seems like it still follows us...this was over 10 years ago..we were young, and trying to fit into our world, and the real world...

my husband {then baby daddy} didnt know to step up and take charge..he could say, im home i want to talk to you about my day and your day with the baby..

he just sat quietly, and not so quietly, by and waited...he should never have...but, we figured it out with some bumps in the road.

we have come out the other side of it and are stronger, but i will admit it was touch and go for a while, we even had to separate for a few months. we {i} needed it to shake me up.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

I can feel the pain coming through those words. I can relate to that pain. I know exactly what you are trying to say, my wife not only had one single friend she befriended a whole community of young singles and somehow their problems of dating/romance/finding the one became her problems to deal with too. And just like ALL the other older women in her recent social circles (the ones that for the past couple years excluded me her husband), now she too is going through divorce like it was just a part of the whole process, like its something you just do when you get to that point, like a rite of passage to be a part of the divorced milf club. Everyone she can relate to is out of their horrible marriages convinced they are forever happy in the single party life and its like I'm being compared to the abusive, negligent and stupid men they all left.

But... on the other hand, I have freedom!! that is something I had given up hope on not so long ago. And though its not complete freedom since I am forever linked to her through the family that we started, I no longer have to account to anyone but myself so there is reason to make my own choices once again!


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

Wish I had someone to help cast the blame on beside my H and the OW but my husband did all his dirt alone. He does not have many friends and mostly deal with his brothers and cousins and uncle as all of them think of him as the perfect husband, father and that he loves me oh so much to do anything like that. I had to endure a guy who cam to help with a fundrasier his job did for him standing there telling me about how much he loved me and his kids so much and he knew my H was a good guy that would never hurt his family. All while I had to be the loving supportive wife and listen to this BS while watching the OW roam around the room at the sametime. I wish I had someone to help carry that blame but in truth his I feel his reputation as the good guy is the reason that know one knew but the two of them not that he would hurt me or our family. All in all though it is all on them and no one else. But IMHO It is perfectly find to not like them anymore. I'm just sayin


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

People are selfish.

They didn't think of you. They only considered what was in it for them. *juicy* drama, a deep secret shared between them and ur W... Maybe a jealousy and secret envy of your marriage/family and a want to have her single again... 

Generally speaking as a rule... People only care what's in it for them.

While I share your frustration and have a laundry list of "back stabbers" myself.... I'm come to realize all my hurt, resentment and anger towards those people who enabled directly or indirectly my W's affair is really a waste and it hurts me FAR more than them to carry it... So, I forgive them. I don't want them in my life and I'm genuinely indifferent to how they feel... 

lol, Ironic but... What's in it for me to even bother thinking about them.


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## ren (Aug 1, 2011)

Craggy456 said:


> I'm with you. Of all the friends my H and I shared 90% of them knew what was happening and didn't clue me in


Something that really gets to me is that all her friends not only knew she was cheating but several actively served as an alibi, they were knowing participants in the conspiracy against me. I know at least one of them even encouraged her to leave me for the OM, because "he is more fun to hang out with". They all acted so nice to me. It's amazing how cold-hearted and fake people can be, I never knew. 
Interestingly, her then best friend (who was dating the OM's then best friend/roommate) did sort of apologize and told me a little bit about the situation that helped me understand things better. I think she felt guilty knowing what had been done to me when the OM was just after a good time and had finally grown disillusioned once she realized just how much both me and him were being lied to and manipulated. You know it's bad when even her best friend who hates the OM tells you she deserves almost all of the blame.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

RWB said:


> Ren,
> 
> Not really trying to top you... but, the first OM my wife had a PA with was her Boss (Principal) at the school she taught at. Her "friends" were all teachers at the same school. As it turns out, this sleaze bag had slept with 3 of my wife's best friends also teachers. It was like a little club of infidelity. Some friends. He has (forced to leave the county, fired) moved on to FL to continue his way. I still see these women at schools from time to time. They all know I know the truth. All are divorced because of their affairs. Funny, how when you know people for what they really are they are so guarded and quiet. "Hey, gotta run, see ya".
> 
> Interesting, while my wife was actively cheating on me. These women were her close friends. She would talk with them via email and phone at least once a day. In the 2 years since I busted her, she has not contacted any of them.



I'm wondering if you have contacted the school board where he is working now. I would hound him for as long as I could keep up with him. Adultery should not be a blameless enterprise. He should pay the piper just like every other evildoer.


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## ren (Aug 1, 2011)

chapparal said:


> I'm wondering if you have contacted the school board where he is working now. I would hound him for as long as I could keep up with him. Adultery should not be a blameless enterprise. He should pay the piper just like every other evildoer.


I do in many ways like this idea of "social justice", it seems like a very large segment of our culture has developed a tendency to ignore public judgment of private behaviors unless they are something like recreational drug use, homosexuality, or atheism. They may gossip, but they'll accept adultery in a way that provides gossip as the only consequence. You will get fired anywhere in America if you like to alter your brain chemistry with anything other than alcohol or, in most places that aren't a city, get off with anyone other than your opposite gender or assert the non-existence of deities. Adultery though, that's a "private matter"!
I do appreciate the public/private divide, but in reality drug users, gay people, and atheists are far less worthy of public scorn and far more worthy of understanding, acceptance, and tolerance than anyone who betrays their partner.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

RWB said:


> Ren,
> 
> Not really trying to top you... but, the first OM my wife had a PA with was her Boss (Principal) at the school she taught at. Her "friends" were all teachers at the same school. As it turns out, this sleaze bag had slept with 3 of my wife's best friends also teachers. It was like a little club of infidelity. Some friends. He has (forced to leave the county, fired) moved on to FL to continue his way. I still see these women at schools from time to time. They all know I know the truth. All are divorced because of their affairs. Funny, how when you know people for what they really are they are so guarded and quiet. "Hey, gotta run, see ya".
> 
> Interesting, while my wife was actively cheating on me. These women were her close friends. She would talk with them via email and phone at least once a day. In the 2 years since I busted her, she has not contacted any of them.


Toxic friends are low lifes. Plenty of blame to go around when there is an affair. Yes, the cheating spouse owns it. But those complicit in the affair are culpable as well.


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## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

Brother,

You hit it out of the park. 

10 years recovered and my wife and I both know that those types of people are not allowed in our home. They are destructive on many levels. 

Who is allowed inside the circle and who is kept out is something that gets overlooked a lot when dealing with an affair. Yes...ultimately its the WS who is at fault. Yet, if there is ever going to be closure and a chance at moving forward together..those people have to go to the curb.

Best wishes,

GM


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> While I share your frustration and have a laundry list of "back stabbers" myself.... I'm come to realize all my hurt, resentment and anger towards those people who enabled directly or indirectly my W's affair is really a waste and it hurts me FAR more than them to carry it... So, I forgive them. I don't want them in my life and I'm genuinely indifferent to how they feel...
> 
> lol, Ironic but... What's in it for me to even bother thinking about them.


Very wise thoughts and words, there’s a lot of wisdom there. Forgive, that’s the best way forward but so many people don’t realise that. There is true inner peace and tranquillity in forgiveness.


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## Whip Morgan (May 26, 2011)

RWB, was your wife completely willing to sign off on that, or did she resist? Seems like lots of threads here have the DS do their best to protect the affair partner.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EmeraldEyez (Jun 17, 2011)

Oh...can I realate to this!!!  I have to own my stupidity here, but I had no idea what I was getting into when I married into the "military lifestyle". I honestly believed the TV commercial BS about it I guess, "Loyalty, Honor, Respect, Integrity"...I was dumbly proud to be an Army Wife. I didn't realize...that there was a "stigma" attached to that. I came into the life late, I was 28. I couldn't figure out why when I showed up at a Tupperware party, all the women were actually talking about their "hook-ups". I quickly grabbed my purse and snuck out a side door. One of the wifes met at my car and tried to "invite me back" because her husband likes redheads??? That should have been my first sign, but again, I was dumb. Long story, short. His soldier buddies and their wives, we became like family, (at least in my mind). I really cared for them. When he and the other guys in his unit deployed, well "party on"....for them, and I had the wives coming by trying to get me to go to the bar. I told them they were nuts, I was staying home to be with my little boys and waiting for him to call. They just laughed at me and told me "If you think he's not having his fun over there, you really are stupid!". His friends (thought they were mine too) showed him how to set up fake e-mail accounts, profiles on myspace....and attempted to "clean" his computer for him when he came back from deployment. The extent these guys go to "cover" for each other so they can all nail all the little female soldiers that deploy with them (they all know everyone is married, but it's a free-for-all)....I mean the betrayal of him, but all of them too. What happened to all that they swore by?? They salute it, shout it, friggin' posters all over my walls about it, "Honor, Integrity, Morals, Loyalty"...my @ss!!!  To top it all off, I had to go into my family doctor, in tears, and tell him I needed to be "tested", he just looked at me funny, and I busted out in tears....to top it off, I got a present, all the way from Iraq!!....So, while....some can say....oh, it's their choice...yadda yadda...yes, it is, but the "enablers"...and the ones who come to your house, eat your food, play with your kids, smile in your face....(they don't know, that I know all I do). I want to scratch their f'n eyes out. You know an odd thing? When I found out what he had done over there, it was my picture on the wall I had ripped to shreds, for being so f'n stupid and naive. I would curl up in his truck while he was deployed to just remember what he "smelled like". I refused to sleep in our bed the whole time he was gone. I wouldn't wash his last set of clothes, they staid laying across the footboard on our bed, and there was so much more pathetic crap I did. I'm sorry, but I hate the "bro code"..."Bro's before hoes", and in that code they mean all women are hoes...guess that says it all right there, huh? Ok, off my soap box, and going to go find a hole to cry in....I really suck


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## wild_irish_rose (Aug 6, 2011)

I hear ya! Except in my case, it was my in-laws that enabled my husband's affairs, and my brother-in-law who partied with him and went to strip clubs with him and my MIL and FIL knew exactly what was going on and never told me or BIL's wife nor did they ever try to tell their wayward sons that the way they were behaving was stupid and childish. I often wonder what was going on behind the scenes in their marriage that made them care so little for the feelings of their DILs and their grandchildren. Did they do the same things when they were younger and somehow think it was OK?


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## EmeraldEyez (Jun 17, 2011)

I'm sorry Rose, it hurts to not only be betrayed in the first place, but that so many others are more than willing to enable it, cover and lie for it to happen too...it's just so sickening. I guess I wouldn't be a very good friend to others because I would be slapping them for even thinking about it, if their spouse called me, I'd tell them the honest to God truth, and if I saw the person they were screwing around on their spouse with, I woul be in their face embarassing the crap out of them and I would do it loud and publicly so everyone knew what a POS the person was to be wrecking another's family. Hmmm...yeah...maybe it's why I'm not quite the socialite, because I won't be around others that are involved in any of this or condone it....and that doesn't leave many people left...anymore.


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## Whip Morgan (May 26, 2011)

Something like that, it is quite the cold bucket of water to the face. I know you had exposed to family, I think that must the ultimate wakeup call to their destructive actions. In hindsight, does she feel any resentment of what you did, or does she understand that it was necessary for he truth to be know in order to move forward? 

As for the original post of friends, that's great that she doesn't contact them anymore. I've noticed a common theme of hanging out with new people and how that has played a role in cheating. Scary what people can be influenced by. Your story sounds very close to Lovestruckout, where wives need that blast of reality to make them realize what they've done. I don't know if LSO will work it out, but I think he has a good head on his shoulders.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

EmeraldEyez said:


> Oh...can I realate to this!!!  I have to own my stupidity here, but I had no idea what I was getting into when I married into the "military lifestyle". I honestly believed the TV commercial BS about it I guess, "Loyalty, Honor, Respect, Integrity"...I was dumbly proud to be an Army Wife. I didn't realize...that there was a "stigma" attached to that. I came into the life late, I was 28. I couldn't figure out why when I showed up at a Tupperware party, all the women were actually talking about their "hook-ups". I quickly grabbed my purse and snuck out a side door. One of the wifes met at my car and tried to "invite me back" because her husband likes redheads??? That should have been my first sign, but again, I was dumb. Long story, short. His soldier buddies and their wives, we became like family, (at least in my mind). I really cared for them. When he and the other guys in his unit deployed, well "party on"....for them, and I had the wives coming by trying to get me to go to the bar. I told them they were nuts, I was staying home to be with my little boys and waiting for him to call. They just laughed at me and told me "If you think he's not having his fun over there, you really are stupid!". His friends (thought they were mine too) showed him how to set up fake e-mail accounts, profiles on myspace....and attempted to "clean" his computer for him when he came back from deployment. The extent these guys go to "cover" for each other so they can all nail all the little female soldiers that deploy with them (they all know everyone is married, but it's a free-for-all)....I mean the betrayal of him, but all of them too. What happened to all that they swore by?? They salute it, shout it, friggin' posters all over my walls about it, "Honor, Integrity, Morals, Loyalty"...my @ss!!!  To top it all off, I had to go into my family doctor, in tears, and tell him I needed to be "tested", he just looked at me funny, and I busted out in tears....to top it off, I got a present, all the way from Iraq!!....So, while....some can say....oh, it's their choice...yadda yadda...yes, it is, but the "enablers"...and the ones who come to your house, eat your food, play with your kids, smile in your face....(they don't know, that I know all I do). I want to scratch their f'n eyes out. You know an odd thing? When I found out what he had done over there, it was my picture on the wall I had ripped to shreds, for being so f'n stupid and naive. I would curl up in his truck while he was deployed to just remember what he "smelled like". I refused to sleep in our bed the whole time he was gone. I wouldn't wash his last set of clothes, they staid laying across the footboard on our bed, and there was so much more pathetic crap I did. I'm sorry, but I hate the "bro code"..."Bro's before hoes", and in that code they mean all women are hoes...guess that says it all right there, huh? Ok, off my soap box, and going to go find a hole to cry in....I really suck


What happens a lot is that the cheating is one sided. Meaning the guys that are faithful too often have unfaithful wives and vice versa. So the toxic friends try to talk people in to cheating too.


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## mkl (Jul 9, 2011)

I confided in a friend during my affair. She was right there to listen to the details. Happy to be a caring, concerned friend… right up until the day my husband discovered it. I have not spoken to this “so called friend” in months. Not once has she call to check on me, lend a listening ear or a shoulder to cry on. I guess it’s pretty clear now how much of a friend she really was to me…..

I now see that she was TOXIC!!!! She is recently devoiced and only seems to have eyes for married men. She feels so bad for these men who are in loveless marriage and not being loved and supported by their wives….. WHATEVER!!!

She is toxic and I have learned a valuable lesson to be very careful of the people you allow in your life and marriage. No, my situation is in no way her fault. But I know now that I have to keep “good “people in my close circle and that circle is now very small.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

mkl said:


> I confided in a friend during my affair. She was right there to listen to the details. Happy to be a caring, concerned friend… right up until the day my husband discovered it. I have not spoken to this “so called friend” in months. Not once has she call to check on me, lend a listening ear or a shoulder to cry on. I guess it’s pretty clear now how much of a friend she really was to me…..
> 
> I now see that she was TOXIC!!!! She is recently devoiced and only seems to have eyes for married men. She feels so bad for these men who are in loveless marriage and not being loved and supported by their wives….. WHATEVER!!!
> 
> She is toxic and I have learned a valuable lesson to be very careful of the people you allow in your life and marriage. No, my situation is in no way her fault. But I know now that I have to keep “good “people in my close circle and that circle is now very small.


:scratchhead: seems she think YOU are the toxic one maybe? And after awhile decided that she couldn't tolerate having friends that are cheating on their H's?? Or are you saying that she was enabling your A in order to enjoy the excitement vicariously through it??


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## Confused_and_bitter (Aug 6, 2011)

Sadly I'm related to people that cover up for a relative of mines numerous affairs. I have asked them up front how in the world can they go over to their house smile at the wife who they know is being cheated on, play with their kids, and act like they have the greatest father/husband? Their simple answer "it's none of my business" I can't help but feel disgusted with them. I angrily reply "Well if it's none of your business then quit being his alibi for everything" then I just get some mumbled answer along the ways of he is family blah blah blah. I know very well that it's not their fault but it still doesn't make it right to help him cover it up. 

In my personal opinion having single friends when one is married has (from what I have seen first hand, I don't want to come off as generalizing anyone or anything) had bad results just as OP posted about the married spouse hearing of all the fun their single friends are having and how they have all the responsibilities of a family and can't go or enjoy things like they can, may cause some resentment if that person is easily swayed by the glitz and glamour of the single life. But like many others have posted it is after all up to the spouse who makes the final decision.


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## borninapril (Jun 6, 2011)

I completely agree that sometimes the single frinds of a married couple can paint the "single" life with an attractive flair and are also ore willing to help "cover" for an affair esspecially if they are somewhat involved (having introduced the two or having gone out with them or using them as an alibi), but then again my wife and I have agrued about the fact that some of her friends are married without children and go on trips all the time, were we can't afford it have four children ourselves.

But I've also been on the other side and seen my brother cheat on his long term girlfriend (now wife). While I never covered for him I did know it was going on and tried to talk to her about it and was always told he wouldn't be doing that to her though she knew he was.


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## mkl (Jul 9, 2011)

Lon said:


> :scratchhead: seems she think YOU are the toxic one maybe? And after awhile decided that she couldn't tolerate having friends that are cheating on their H's?? Or are you saying that she was enabling your A in order to enjoy the excitement vicariously through it??


Oh no not at all, she has lots of friends/co workers that cheat. They have weekend getaways where everyone brings their OM. 

Toxic I tell ya, this girl is TOXIC! 

Did she enable me? No, I can't put that on her I accept full responsibility for my actions. But I will say that she did me no favors....


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