# Kicked in the face...my wife is going through a midlife crisis



## McDean (Jun 13, 2015)

Have had several posts recently about my situation. Quick Stats: Married 9 years, together for 11 - 1 child 4.5yrs old. Wife surprised me with a separation about 7 weeks ago. Lots of hot and cold signals from her since then. Thought she was in love with someone else but he did not reciprocate and of course now she says she's not. I'm in PC.

Through all of my other threads and posts and the wonderful responses shared with me by many of you, I have been slowly piecing the puzzle together on how we got here since I was completely caught by surprise. Her original reason for leaving was quickly changed by an near death event 3 days into our separation which felt to me like it pushed as far away as possible - though the hot and cold still goes on.

This morning after a PC where I shared the events as best I could exactly how they happened, my counselor handed me a list of 'traits' for someone going through a midlife crisis - my wife has exhibited everyone of them (no exaggeration either) including her age and a trigger event etc. Not ignoring that the things we need to work on which lead to the separation are real, but now it would appear I may be battling something different altogether on top of that as well.

Any hope now that we can reconcile? I'm feeling pretty much hopeless at this point because I can't tell her what I think I've found without her thinking I'm deflecting away from the separation issues.

My counselor told me what I should do for me and my daughter but that short of listening to my wife I will probably not get very far - basically told me to go full on 180. I'm crushed to know my chances for R just got greatly reduced as some MLCs can go on for years or even forever if the person never realizes they are in one.

Starting to feel beat down.......any insights or advice are welcome as always!


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

McDean said:


> Have had several posts recently about my situation. Quick Stats: Married 9 years, together for 11 - 1 child 4.5yrs old. *Wife surprised me with a separation about 7 weeks ago. Lots of hot and cold signals from her since then.* Thought *she was in love with someone else but he did not reciprocate and of course now she says she's not.* I'm in PC.
> 
> Through all of my other threads and posts and the wonderful responses shared with me by many of you, I have been slowly piecing the puzzle together on how we got here since I was completely caught by surprise. Her original reason for leaving was quickly changed by an near death event 3 days into our separation which felt to me like it pushed as far away as possible - though the hot and cold still goes on.
> 
> ...


At best you're her Plan B. Don't be _anyone's_ Plan B.

Listen to your counselor.

File for divorce ASAP.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Unfortunately, you cannot control the future, you can only do things that give you a better probability of fulfillment. Ask yourself, if your wife returns to you as she is, would you find that life fulfilling, and would she be the role model for your child?

Hence, it is important to work on you and the issues that help caused the relationship to break down. You can use this knowledge gain to improve the next relationship, whether with your wife or someone else. Also, learning to detach from someone is a healthy skill as well. As hard as it seems now, you need to start recreating yourself again. The first thing to acknowledge is that she is not your partner, and what you would normally associate with what couples can provide each other, she decided to leave. You are in a relationship of one. Your focus should be on you and your child to help you heal, not prolong the pain.

If she returns, you will have to decide at that point if you can or cannot take her back. But I suggest if you do decide, IC for her is a must.

Pretty much, getting back together should not be your priority. There is no guarantee there, so you focus on what you can at the moment, and tackle the other situation later on should it arise.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

McDean said:


> Have had several posts recently about my situation. Quick Stats: Married 9 years, together for 11 - 1 child 4.5yrs old. Wife surprised me with a separation about 7 weeks ago. Lots of hot and cold signals from her since then. Thought she was in love with someone else but he did not reciprocate and of course now she says she's not. I'm in PC.
> 
> Through all of my other threads and posts and the wonderful responses shared with me by many of you, I have been slowly piecing the puzzle together on how we got here since I was completely caught by surprise. Her original reason for leaving was quickly changed by an near death event 3 days into our separation which felt to me like it pushed as far away as possible - though the hot and cold still goes on.
> 
> ...


IMO mid-life crisis are imaginary or simply a answer to something one is doing that is odd, betraying or simply off the charts normal behavior. In your case... *Thought she was in love with someone else but he did not reciprocate and of course now she says she's not.* Let's call it what it is...affair that went sour. 

Gus pointed it out. You are plan B. W has detached from you. Do not beg, plead or cry for her return. Conduct the 180, care for you child and serve the D papers. This course of action often ends the "mid-life crisis". Real or imaginary.


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## McDean (Jun 13, 2015)

Thank you for the quick responses. Sadly, I believe it is coming to a D for me, I simply don't have the stamina to continue living in the limbo too much longer. I'm finding myself starting to look at other women differently, more open to them if that makes sense. I think the detachment process has already begun.

It's just so sad because what we had was, while not perfect, pretty good and easily improvable had she not fallen into this MLC or funk or whatever it is....

Seems like a waste to throw away a family like this....


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## sparrow555 (Jun 27, 2015)

PC?


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

McDean said:


> Seems like a waste to throw away a family like this....


This. It is a huge waste and something I think about often as in "what the hell was she thinking...." That said you can only worry about the parts you can control. You. You've had an unexpected change of course but OK. Guess what....its time to gather yourself and look forward to a new life. Your new found strength and happiness (yes, choose to be happy everyday) will attract other positive and happy people. You write you're own story so make it a happy ending.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I doubt many of us who have divorced due to infidelity found it easy to accept that the road ended where it did. We certainly didn't ever expect that. But you pick yourself up, dust yourself off and move ahead Accept that the outcome may not be what you want. Have a plan for going forward. Focus on you and not on her. 

None of these things are easy and they take time but I've done all of them and I'm happy and at peace with my life. You can be too.


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## sh987 (Oct 10, 2013)

sparrow555 said:


> PC?


My guess: personal counseling.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

McDean said:


> Thank you for the quick responses. Sadly, I believe it is coming to a D for me, I simply don't have the stamina to continue living in the limbo too much longer. I'm finding myself starting to look at other women differently, more open to them if that makes sense. I think the detachment process has already begun.
> 
> It's just so sad because what we had was, while not perfect, pretty good and easily improvable had she not fallen into this MLC or funk or whatever it is....
> 
> Seems like a waste to throw away a family like this....


It is a waste. A sad fvcking waste, which gets talked a lot about here on TAM. 

Women and men have always been going through MLCs from the dawn of time. What is different now is women are more financially independent from their husbands. Now, you add to this the ease of online dating, fueled by the mass media's campaign for "grrrl power" and female entitlement that is permeating and, I daresay corrupting, the minds of women worldwide, and you have a perfect storm. Your wife has fallen into this bottomless pit of illusion. She has convinced herself she can do better than you. She thinks that without you in her life she can be truly free and happy. She has no desire to work on the relationship because in her mind YOU are disposable. Why go through all the hard work of becoming a good wife and mate to you when she can just dump you and easily just go hook herself another disposable man?

She will go on with this mentality and behavior for several years. You will divorce her and move on to another spouse. And most likely, a few years down the road, she will let it slip that divorcing from you was the biggest mistake of her life. It happens all the time. We see it again and again and again. It is a plague. 

But that is neither here nor there. What is important now is that you protect yourself legally, financially and emotionally. Separate your accounts from her, make it so she cannot touch your paycheck, close all joint credit lines, and go see a lawyer and find out what your rights are and what you can expect in a divorce.


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## Tobyboy (Jun 13, 2013)

I agree with what everyone else is saying. See a lawyer pronto!!!

And.....as far as this list of "MLC traits"......I bet they are the same traits a cheating wife/husband display during their affair!!!

So, your wife fell in love with your friend and pursued him and he didn't reciprocate. 

More likely, they got physical and she fell in love with him and he didn't. And when she left you to pursue him... He dumped her!!!! 

Either way......your plan B.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

This 180 list may help.
--------------------------


For those that are interested in Michelle Weiner Davis's divorce busting 180 degree list, here it is:

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or
implore.

2. No frequent phone calls.

3. Do not point out good points in marriage.

4. Do not follow him/her around the house.

5. Do not encourage talk about the future.

6. Do not ask for help from family members.

7. Do not ask for reassurances.

8. Do not buy gifts.

9. Do not schedule dates together.

10. Do not spy on spouse.

11. Do not say "I Love You".

12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.

13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.

14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.

15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.

16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.

17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.

18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing

19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around.

20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).

21. Never lose your cool.

22. Don't be overly enthusiastic.

23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger).

24. Be patient.

25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.

26. Learn to back off, shut up and possibly walk away.

27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).

28. Be strong and confident.

29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.

30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.

31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.

32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared.

33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.

34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.


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## McDean (Jun 13, 2015)

Thanks everyone! It's painful but I agree I have become a plan B and quite frankly it pi$$es me off! Ironically I'm older than her and I haven't even had a MLC lol.....Definitely very concerned about the impact to my daughter and so will focus on myself and her while my wife swirls in la la land.

Guess my remaining question is how long should I expect to feel like crud about this before it starts to get better, ballpark? And, anyone experienced this and reconciled and how was that or is that going?


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

This MLC could last for years. I would never recommend you wait that long for her to figure this out.

Someone might have stories of their spouse returning to their senses and begging forgiveness, but there is no telling what she is doing with her newfound freedom. Learn the 180, live it, it is difficult to accept and to deal with but you have to do it. In either case, if you chose to move on or hope she returns to you to reconcile, the best course of action is the 180. 

You need to consult an attorney also, time to start calling the shots.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Let her go.

Don't shield her from the consequences of her own decisions.

Your children come first. You now come second. 

That's all.


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