# How to get over resentment and forgive?



## Brendalee (Jun 11, 2013)

Hello,

I posted a few months ago about my marriage suddenly improving. His behavior took a drastic turn for the better and it has continued to date.

However, I am struggling with residual anger. For example, we recently had a VERY difficult conversation that went reasonably well. 

I should be happy but instead I fought tears because of the things he had said to me in the past on this topic. In the past he had bullied me, made threats (not physical) and this was one of my marriage deal breakers. As I do these days, I do pretty good at staying non emotional and keeping difficult things short and to the point with these difficult topics. 

What I am getting at is I am trying to take his good behavior at face value but I still struggle with trusting him and forgiving him. After this conversation, I left for the day based on an excuse because I needed to get away from him, my leftover anger and sadness just boiled up. 

A week ago he was my handsome husband  after my "leftover" anger...he's my handsome husband who I don't want any physical contact with. That is my bad I know.

It appears he is/was in control of his behavior and I'm angry! He still refuses for the most part to discuss his awful behavior and wants to focus on the good - now - and the future. fyi - he had acknowledged he has some "problems" but can control them and seems to finally be doing just that.

He will never see a counselor etc. As I shared in a previous post, I had pulled the divorce trigger, I was done. Today as per his request we do not discuss "before". 

But it happened. I am trying hard to put away my resentment, and accept today. But I suddenly realized with this conversation that I subconsciously have my finger on the divorce trigger. I want to give my marriage my all but to my surprise it hit me how guarded I truly am with him still. 

This is my first marriage and I had such grand hopes and plans for us and so much of that was dashed in our very first years of marriage. Our short marriage was so tumultuous - it does take 2 but in this case it was him, his behavior was awful once we married, controlling, bullying and terribly moody.

That was "us" for our first 3 years, and has been "good" for coming up on a year now. Right now he says we are starting our real "honeymoon"....aka to make up for our pathetic first one. 

I am praying with time and continued good behavior I will feel safe enough to let my guard back down and feel safe with him again. But it just hit me, what if too much damage (for me) has already been done?

Is this a time will tell situation? Is their something I can "do"?I realize marriages have their ups and downs so I want to be realistic. 

Advice from anyone that has gotten over "big" problems or long term marriages would really be appreciated.

Thanks for listening, Brendalee


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Brendalee said:


> Hello,
> 
> 
> I am praying with time and continued good behavior I will feel safe enough to let my guard back down and feel safe with him again. But it just hit me, what if too much damage (for me) has already been done?
> ...


Time + change = forgiveness. When either one of those is missing, residual anger, mistrust, and feelings of vulnerability are normal. 

His not wanting to talk is a double-edged sword, in my opinion. He's probably ashamed and wants to avoid those feelings, which is normal and healthy. But at the same time, you have ugly feelings you'd like to avoid, too! 

I would encourage you to find some way of dealing with those feelings, whether it's asking him to let you vent (may be unproductive), venting to a friend or therapist, or writing in a journal. However, one thing you should consider: Reliving the situation through talking often strengthens its hold over us. It reinforces the memories and helps them remain clear in our minds instead of allowing them to dissipate. While talking is necessary to negotiate solutions to problems, I disagree with most of the mental health pros who say that talking about your feelings is healthy. So if you don't have something specific that you're wanting to see happen, tread carefully. You can give rise to further shaming, blaming, and criticism that can ultimately harm your marriage.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Brendalee said:


> It appears he is/was in control of his behavior and I'm angry! He still refuses for the most part to discuss his awful behavior and wants to focus on the good - now - and the future. fyi - he had acknowledged he has some "problems" but can control them and seems to finally be doing just that.
> 
> He will never see a counselor etc. As I shared in a previous post, I had pulled the divorce trigger, I was done. Today as per his request we do not discuss "before".
> 
> ...


I can see why you don't trust him. Yes, he's currently controlling his behavior better, but in the process, he's still being controlling: he still refuses to discuss his behavior, he won't see a counselor, he wants to sweep it under the rug and focus on "now" and he expects you to pretend everything is fine when you aren't feeling or thinking it's all fine.

He's invalidating your feelings by refusing to discuss them. That's still bullying behavior. 

Resentment won't go away until you fully resolve your issues, and I can't see that happening if he just wants to pretend his bad behavior didn't happen or that it didn't have a profound effect on you and your marriage. In fact, your resentment will only grow as he actually still is being controlling, just in a different way.


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## Haru2013 (Oct 23, 2013)

In my personal experience that is my husband had emotional affair and I confronted him and he apologized to make things get back to the normal. 

Emotional affair appears NOT serious affair like physical affair which involves mostly sextual attraction. However, emotional affair is in my experience as same as physical affair. Because, his value and interest shifted from mine to woman he involved that affects emotional intimacy, same as physical intimacy.

It's so disrespectful and degraded feelings that started to affect my emotional well-being, then I had no choice but confronted him with heated argument that resulted him to change his behaviour, not talk nor see that woman again. 

Then, my suggestion and advice to you would be first off, 'Talk' and experess your hurtful feelings. Counselling is one of tools, but if he has no effort to change his behaviour, IMP, it's absulutely wasting time and money. Rather, I would highly recommend you find time to talk to him about your feelings.

That said, the husband do NOT change his behaviour unless you take drastic action, telling him one for divorce and the other for stay the marriage. If he would choose the latter, he needs to change his behavior to get along with you. It's NOT easy, but through the experience and reading, most of men/husbands do NOT make any effort to change the behaviour unless you do not take a drastic action.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

While I applaud his effort to change and be a better person, he has made this ALL about him. This is being done on HIS terms, the way that HE is comfortable with, and is invalidating your feelings by not allowing discussion of past issues. He does not really seem to care that you are still hurt, still distrustful, still angry. And until THAT part changes, I see little hope of you being able to truly move forward with him.


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## scarletto (Aug 20, 2013)

I know how you feel. I still struggle with forgiving my husband for something two years ago. My husband, however, has not completely changed for the better. He will improve for a few days, but then in time, will go back to being his old self. I'm not sure if I have much advice, but I feel like if my husband WERE to change completely, I would be able to happily continue things with him. 

Do you trust he'll stay changed? Are you scared that at some point, he'll go back to the way he was during the early years of your relationship?


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## Brendalee (Jun 11, 2013)

> Do you trust he'll stay changed? Are you scared that at some point, he'll go back to the way he was during the early years of your relationship?


Yes, I fear he will return to his bad behavior, if this is all an act, another delay. I am petrified to divorce, it is the last thing I want but I had finally geared up to do the unthinkable. If I have to do so again, I pray I will have the strength...but I am holding onto my resolve that if "it" starts again, no more chances. 

I'm not sure he is refusing to hear me as much as he cannot face his own behavior. I still consider he may very well be an undiagnosed bipolar. I do get a genuine hit that he is unable to explain his behavior at times and he is puzzled looking back, like some odd purchases during a bad spell which were very unlike him and just the other day he admitted he is not sure why he did it so we are getting rid of the stuff. It didn't hurt us financially so I let it go but it was just odd.

I can't explain it exactly but he is full of contrasts as I have come to know him. Right now, he is the man I thought I married. 



> However, one thing you should consider: Reliving the situation through talking often strengthens its hold over us.


I tend to agree with this, and I admit I have a hard time letting painful events go, and trusting isn't so easy for me. 

I just don't know, I am working on living in the present, and I am working on a back up plan just in case. We have many things to be very grateful for, but some moments come flooding back and I am shocked at his former behavior. 

I have always believed in surrounding myself with "good" people, and tried to be one myself. As in, not perfect, perhaps quirky but deep down, the kind of people who can't just walk past a sad critter without going back to pick it up...

Heck, I dislike some insects but I try not to kill them, I usually "relocate". That is the guy I thought I married, I recall how I found him one day rescuing semi drowned butterflies, that was the guy I loved.

He still does this kind of thing, but then, I am now sharing that space with some intrusive memories of him being down right mean to me. Below the belt MEAN. Not physical, but verbal insults and things that I have never encountered in a relationship. 

Again, that has stopped cold turkey. Not a hint and not the back and forth behavior.



> He will improve for a few days, but then in time, will go back to being his old self.


He did this these last years - we had good moments but the bad was always on the way. I think the good was just because he was in a good mood or he crossed the line and he knew it.

That's what I don't buy, but this round, it has been totally different. 

So I guess I am trying, hopeful but I don't know how and when I will feel like this is "real".

Thanks for listening! (again) Brendalee


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Brendalee, your body is telling you something. What I hear from your post is you don't feel you should be unable to forgive? What does that tell you? If you cannot forgive and are full of resentment, is it because you are a bad person or is it because he has done things to hurt you and you do not know if he can be trusted? Trust what you body is trying to tell you. Do you feel it is right to go against your own feelings of right and wrong to try and forgive someone who might be putting a good face fwd right now only to let you down once again?

Tale a look at yourself too here. Have you ever read/learned about passive behavior? Are you the type that wants everyone to get along? You would do special things for people and no one would return the favor but you kept doing the special favors, or are you the type that can't say no or has a smile on her face and agrees even if you my not feel the same but do so because you want to get along?? Is this you? Lady, join the club, there are a lot of us out there and if this sounds familiar read about assertive behavior, getting what you want from your life and doing what pleases you instead of other people. I have a good book recommendation if you are interested. Sometimes it's how we let others treat us that makes us hurt. We feel like we are doing best by others when really who we are letting down is ourselves.


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## Brendalee (Jun 11, 2013)

> If you cannot forgive and are full of resentment, is it because you are a bad person or is it because he has done things to hurt you and you do not know if he can be trusted?


Thanks for the twist and the point.



> Is this you?


No. Well, it used to not be me, LOL. A few life events really set me back and it left its marks unfortunately. Better today by far and tolerating my husband's behavior was not something I would have ever tolerated before. He had nothing to do with my circumstances however I found his behavior to be a sucker punch when I needed support. 

I went to counseling for support during this time, I'm not a fan of that sort of thing but best thing I ever did for myself. I am nearly myself again which is likely why I have the strength now to move on if necessary.

Yes, I'd take a look at your recommendation. I used to be assertive but these last years took their toll. I don't like how I let him run over me previously, today, waay better but not 100% yet. 

Thanks, Brendalee


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Brendalee said:


> Thanks for the twist and the point.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


The book I was referring to is "The Assertiveness Workbook" by Randy J Paterson, Ph D.


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## Chaotic (Jul 6, 2013)

I read your post with interest, I haven't posted here in awhile but I have had similar issues. My H has had a lot of anger/anxiety problems and has been scary, manipulative and verbally abusive at times. Other times he's great.

We're in MC now. I'm not sure it's helping. He sometimes seems to be working hard at improving his self-control and reactions to stressful events, and his temper tantrums are fewer and shorter. On the other hand, he's lashed out (at me, at home) when our counselor talks about how his past actions have affected me and my trust in him. He has said that if counseling is going to all about "blaming him", he will stop going, and that I "deserved" his bad behavior. ("I wouldn't have humiliated you in front of your co-worker if you hadn't told me you enjoyed having a day off work without me. You have it coming when you hurt my feelings like that." That sort of thing.)

Like you, I'm super resentful. I'm trying to move past things, but it's hard when he's not sorry. He does frequently say he's trying to do better and that he loves me and wants our relationship to work, but then he justifies or blames me for his previous bad behavior rather than apologizing. Like your husband, he has told me we should move forward and not look back at our previous problems.

On one hand divorce seems so huge, so inconceivably difficult. But sometimes I fantasize about having my own place, by myself.

Anyway my advice is to set a time limit. Someone else here (I forget who) gave me that advice, and that's what I'm doing. I'm giving MC 6 months (till the end of March). If by then I'm not feeling any better about him and about our relationship, I will move out. In the meantime, I rate my feelings daily (1-10, 1 being "I want to stay married" and 10 being "I want to get divorced") so that I can track how I'm feeling. And I'm reading tons of books about assertiveness and healthy relationships, and I'm working hard on my communication with him and on taking care of myself. I've added to our problems in the past by bending over backwards to try to make things better for my husband even when it meant ignoring my own feelings, which then bubbled up later in the form of resentment. I'm trying not to do that anymore. 

I wish you the best. Take good care of you.


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## Brendalee (Jun 11, 2013)

> I'm giving MC 6 months (till the end of March). If by then I'm not feeling any better about him and about our relationship, I will move out. In the meantime, I rate my feelings daily (1-10, 1 being "I want to stay married" and 10 being "I want to get divorced") so that I can track how I'm feeling. And I'm reading tons of books about assertiveness and healthy relationships, and I'm working hard on my communication with him and on taking care of myself


Thanks for the advice, I'm a big fan of goal setting  I'm going to try your rating system. 

Yup, I have done well this last year taking the focus off of him and not altering my own behavior/life just to make life easier for him. It didn't work in the long run anyway. 



> He does frequently say he's trying to do better and that he loves me and wants our relationship to work, but then he justifies or blames me for his previous bad behavior rather than apologizing.


THIS. This is what concerns me the most! Mine isn't blaming me directly anymore but he minimizes or denies his actions. He never simply says..."I'm sorry, I was an a**" 

I don't expect him to grovel, or pay penance but refusing to deal with the truth is denial at best.

I'm a big believer in learning from mistakes, and that everyone makes them (those that don't are just liars) LOL.

So, simply put.....I feel mine is a liar on some level and my trust is reserved until this is resolved. 

Best, Brendalee


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

I started to read a book titled, Uncoupling, written by Diane Vaughan. It's quite interesting read.

-sammy


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

I have good insight on this situation from your husbands perspective.

My wife confronted me about behaviors over four years ago....

I listened and reacted THAT NIGHT...to this day I don't drink or yell at our boys, to this day I have been waiting for her to fully forgive me (which she claims however actions or lack of actions say otherwise)and return us to a happy healthy marriage. What I did was piss her off, what i did was listen to her laundry list of stuff and acted and maintain the corrections she spoke of, anyone looking at what I did would say its no biggie and she was off base. Now I am in a four year and two month sexless marriage.

In reality stuff like drinking and yelling was in response to HER lack of affection and sex...I handled it wrong back then but now I've basically repaid anything in spades and SHE is now the harm in our marriage with not forgiving and not bringing sex back into our marriage. She is the one that refused to cut out a guy texting buddy.

What likely happened to you husband is the same as me, I valued my marriage to my wife more than any actions I was doing. I was upset I lost control of making better decisions. 

I also heard from her it will take time, years later..I got I'll try, I'll try harder, and the latest "You won't believe me I'll really try", we have and issue that needs resolved in a timely fashion.

How does that make her look?

I am the one who listened and changed and to my eye so far she has lied about trying and not forgiving and returning to sex through her ACTIONS means she is effectively a spousal abuser .... keeping me in a state of a sexless marriage and further hurting the arraignment everyday this lingers on.

At some point the smart thing to do is accept forgiveness and MOVE ON!!!! And never look back..if he screws up don't give him a second chance...BUT give him ONE chance at least after all you promised him better and worse and all of that...did you lie?

Otherwise YOU become the problem.

The only bother honorable choice is to divorce and cut him free.

Men are simple.... tell us whats wrong and we fix it and WE expect you to respond positively and accept our change without any reservation. Marriage should be about communicating and resolving issues in a timely fashion!

Women over-think things remember we are not YOU. YOU perhaps were part of the original issue.

He wants to move your marriage forward SO SHOULD YOU!
As to how you do it that is for you to decide.

Remember YOU control YOU..HE controls HIM sounds to me he listened and changed now its YOUR TURN

Marriage is easy yet spouses make it super complicated.
What really matters the past or the NOW?
People do change.

One word of advice is to communicate your struggles to him if you cannot move forward at least 4 times each year update him verbally what you are struggling with and what you are doing.

DO NOT keep him in the DARK! and accept that he may leave you if it takes too long.

Resentment is POISON you drink to harm the other. How stupid is that?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Trying2figureitout said:


> I have good insight on this situation from your husbands perspective.
> 
> My wife confronted me about behaviors over four years ago....
> 
> ...


So you needed your wife to tell you that drinking and yelling at your boys is not ok? I say this not to pick a fight but to point out that this might be part of her problem. I tend to think that people show you who they are when they think it doesn't matter, so in her mind that it who you are and she doesn't trust you.

Now having said that four years is a long time and if you've been behaving well there's not much else you can do. Maybe your wife isn't able to move forward? Not everyone is, and maybe this OP can't either. Please remember that when women build up emotional walls we can't always break them; we're not you. Maybe after 4 years you two should think about moving on?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

Brendalee said:


> Hello,
> 
> I posted a few months ago about my marriage suddenly improving. His behavior took a drastic turn for the better and it has continued to date.
> 
> ...


I am embarrassed to mention this, but I undertook a programme of meditation. I was angry and that anger would generally have been considered reasonable, but it still did not do me any good. It helped.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

lifeistooshort said:


> So you needed your wife to tell you that drinking and yelling at your boys is not ok? I say this not to pick a fight but to point out that this might be part of her problem. I tend to think that people show you who they are when they think it doesn't matter, so in her mind that it who you are and she doesn't trust you.
> 
> Now having said that four years is a long time and if you've been behaving well there's not much else you can do. Maybe your wife isn't able to move forward? Not everyone is, and maybe this OP can't either. Please remember that when women build up emotional walls we can't always break them; we're not you. Maybe after 4 years you two should think about moving on?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I understand your view and I have made my decision for now, I will just say it takes two and both of us were at fault. Both of us will be the solution. I expect her to fulfill her promises and vows.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Trying2figureitout said:


> I understand your view and I have made my decision for now, I will just say it takes two and both of us were at fault. Both of us will be the solution. I expect her to fulfill her promises and vows.


Understood. Your decision to make.....I hope things improve.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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