# Learning how womens communication goals differ from men helped save my marriage



## NoIssues (Oct 9, 2011)

Men talk mostly to accomplish a goal. It tends to be very direct. 

Women talk more to make a connection with others. Its tends to be more indirect to spare feelings. 

This drives men nuts certainly until they understand it and then even still.

My wife needs to tell me about her day and how she felt about it. She also needs to know how my day was and what I think about it. Doing so helps her feel connected to me. 

When she feels connected to me, all kinds of delicious marital goodness happens so I never miss an opportunity to listen for a few. 

She knows my maleness can only take so much ungoaled connection talk, so she is good about letting me off the hook after a satisfying verbal connection. 

Prior to my better understanding the point of a woman communicating to make a connection, my maleness used to want to know what the hell the point was, what the hell the goal was, what the hell solution was needed, what the hell the problem was. 

I used to shut her down because I would act busy, distracted, uninterested or ask her what was the PROBLEM to solve or what was the GOAL we were striving for? I would actively look for problems to solve

I would offer solutions whenever I found a problem to solve. This is not what she wanted at all. She was simply sharing her experiences and feelings to connect with me. 

Offering solutions invalidate feelings and insulted her intelligence and other bad women stuff. It just made her mad, insulted, hurt and made her feel unloved and rejected. 

We all know what that leads to. I dont make that mistake anymore. 

I learned the importance of just listening and asking her how it made her fell. 

We have a happy, satisfying marriage full of love, friendship, closeness, red hot intimacy and respect and understanding of each other and our different natural preferences due to gender.

Your wifes need to connect thru talk without bombarding her with advice will build a better, warmer, more loving marriage for both of you including hotter more frequent sex. 

Remember her goal is to connect with you. Your goal is to solve a problem. sometomes the best way to solve your BIGGEST problem is to just listen so you can connect with your wife.


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

Great post.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HEknowsALL (Oct 20, 2011)

This is soooooo true & me (in my young marriage mind) tends to just say "So, what is wrong" or "This is how to solve this" & Im thinkin I'm getting somewhere. SURELY IM NOT! And whenever she's acting anti-social, different, & moody, I just leave her alone & I become the bad guy because now I'm acting anti-social, different, & moody. WHAT DO I DO??? When I have a problem, I just hold it (maybe with a slight attitude) until I get over it (24 hrs at most) because I don't want her to feel like she's being a "BAD" wife. And it's not that big a deal so I try to let it go. But during that 24hrs or so, she wants to push it out of me, makin me more mad, "why you acting like that" "whats your problem" and I just keep sayin "nothin, im cool" Im the bad guy again! WHAT DO I DO??? I never knew women were so confusing. You really have to stay on your P's & Q's when dealing with them or you can quickly end up like I am right now....sitting in the living room, both of us on our laptops, house quiet, tension in the air. Sneeze...bless you...thank you....silence. WHAT DO I DO????


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## HEknowsALL (Oct 20, 2011)

Sorry for putting my own post under yours.....got a lil carried away....just sooo confused:scratchhead:


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## NoIssues (Oct 9, 2011)

HEknowsALL said:


> WHAT DO I DO????


Google "communication differences between men and women" and read your ass off. There are 1.7 million results. Find the good ones and read til you got it. They are repetitive so you will find consensus you can bank on pretty quickly. 

OR

read my post over and over. Hahaha

I promise you they are not that difficult to understand. I read about 30 books and about 100 online articles and figured it out.

Go to the bookstore marriage section some Saturday in comfortable clothes, find an easy chair and spend the day pounding away on solving the puzzle that is your wifes needs. 

Its well worth it and you can avoid nights like you are having now. 

BTW you can delete your post on TAM if you want and make it a new thread to get a better response specific to your issue if you wish. 

Hope this helps brother, Be good and have fun with it. :smthumbup:


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## HEknowsALL (Oct 20, 2011)

Thanx!!! Im on it....I have to get it right! Time to get to reading. Thanx again.


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

Actually I think we all just need to learn better listening skills. My wife doesn't talk about her feelings much. We talk about issues, how her day went, etc. but we rarely say such and such did this and that and now I feel like this. Whether your wife talks about feelings or not you need to be able to listen and give her your full attention as you should for anyone else. If you decide to give suggestions then give them but put them in such away as you're not solving her problem for her. I usually give an example. "That same thing came up on a project about 2 years ago. I did this and it seemed to work." No telling her what to do, just sharing your experience.


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## YupItsMe (Sep 29, 2011)

Kobo said:


> you need to be able to listen and give her your full attention as you should for anyone else.


My secret weapon. Giving my wife my full attention provides many vital ingredients for connecting. 

Respect for one. Interest for another. Patience, etc :smthumbup:


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Wow.

So happy I ready this.

I've been doing it wrong. I'm always trying to solve the problems of her day instead of just being an attentive listener. Ughh.

I can't freakin help it though. Ok. Tonight I will try the right way. Damn man, the more you think you have all the obvious answers, the more threads like this come along and knock you back on your butt. LOL

Thanks NoIssues.


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## Zzyzx (Aug 24, 2011)

I love to solve problems, let's get down and dirty. But it took me too long to realize that women aren't wired that way. So now when I am in listening mode, I bite my tongue and keep it there until she's done or I've asked her to to let me off the hook for more listening. Most women are reasonable about this if you've already spent several minutes listening and she understands as the poster above says "your maleness" can only take so much venting. 

Even if I find my self in such disagreement that I have to say something, well then I really bite my tongue hard. If I ask any questions, they will be directed at helping her explore and clarify her own feelings about the topic. On very rare occasions, I may use questions to get out how I feel about the topic, but I do it in very indirect ways. Calling her an idiot doesn't wash, need to find subtle ways of leading her to the conclusion that maybe there was something wrong there or she said/did the wrong thing. Be very careful with this approach, tread lightly here.

Sometimes she'll figure out what she wants to do, other times she just wants to vent. Whatever she says, never jump in. Unless she specifically asks you for help, don't offer any. If she does ask for help, you may need a few more questions to make sure of her intent and feeling. And of course the requested action should not be a fitness test.

When I learned about how to do this, the first woman I tried it with was my ex-wife. It blew my mind after the second such phone conversation with her that she actually thanked me for just listening. Something she never did while we were married. There's no going back to that marriage for other reasons, but my eyes were opened around this and have stayed open since.


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## NoIssues (Oct 9, 2011)

sinnister said:


> Wow.
> 
> So happy I ready this.
> 
> ...


:smthumbup: Your welcome. Good luck.


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## olwhatsisname (Dec 5, 2012)

I have the right, but not the ability to shut up.


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## Urban (Mar 29, 2013)

I can't even begin to explain how disappointed I am that this is an ancient thread! I have so many questions for NoIssues!!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

So ask them. There must might be someone who can answer them.


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## Urban (Mar 29, 2013)

OK, thanks EleGirl, I'll give it a go.

If I could ask the OP anything it would be - where do you put your ego? When your wife is talking and you feel an interjection coming on, or a solution, or an opinion, how do you just swallow it? 

It's an issue for my husband and me, but each time I try to explain that it's about connection, he gets angry. He says that when I'm talking or venting or whatever, and he feels the need to speak, he says if he holds back it makes him feel like his ideas and opinions mean nothing to me. Like all i want is for him to be a lapdog that just agrees with everything, without question. He has a right to speak his mind and for me to deny him that is denying him validation. Mind you, I'm not talking about big family issues that require both our energies and input - I'm talking about sharing ideas about my life, my day, my thoughts, etc. 

In the end, I feel bulldozed by him, pushed aside without receiving the connection that I crave. 

I've actually taken it upon myself to look at my own behavior. When I need to talk and he interjects with solutions and opinions, i normally get angry, we fight then we both shut down. So I've had a long look at my own ego and realized that I can do more to welcome his ideas, when he interjects I can take a step back and see it for the intentions behind it, as benevolent and his way of showing he cares. You can imagine my husband is quite pleased with my progress (lol)

I've also edited myself over the years, but he still sees me as talking ad nauseum. But I'm beginning to feel maligned because I know for a fact that I don't talk that much - _with him_. It's so unsatisfying that I've just stopped talking, really.

For me it's like this - You know how men feel when they are denied sex? That's how I feel about this issue. It is insulting to assume that a husband wants to have sex with his wife merely to get his rocks off, because for him it is hugely meaningful for his connection within the marriage. Well, for me, this is my connection, and not only is my husband withholding, but he's justifying it with what I feel is an ego trip. Then tells me i just want to treat him like a lapdog? How is that different from a wife telling her husband that he only sees her as a prostitute? Neither is true, both ideas kill connection.

Or am I just so off the mark with my thinking here. Am I the one who's off on some trip with this, or do these feelings have merit?

Anyhow, thanks for letting me go on and on


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

Urban,

Sometimes my wife and I struggle to communicate effectively due (I feel) to our different style of thinking.

I am a problem solver, I like to be told what does not work and then fix it (whether it be the dishwasher or our social life). My wife seems to me to be as worried about talking about how everyone feels about the things that are wrong as she is in putting then right.

Over the years (18+ for us) we have both learned to adapt our thinking to get the best from each other but it can still be hard for me to listen to half an hour’s worth of twaddle before she gets to the point and I know it annoys my wife that I think that either "yes" and "no" can be suitable answers to her long winded questions.

Try not to look at the differences in style / priorities between you as problems if you are both prepared to understand each other then it can work for you. It is a two way street and neither of you should be the only one to compromise / try to see things from the others point of view. You both have to do your share.

I feel that playing “tit for tat” by refusing to do things in one area of your marriage just because your partner will not do as you with in another can only lead to disaster. Keep what is working as it is and look to improve the areas that are not up to scratch.


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## Urban (Mar 29, 2013)

Thanks for your reply, Wiltshireman.

I didn't mean to imply tit-for-tat with regards to emotional intimacy and physical intimacy. I don't think either should be currency. I brought it up to make a comparison. 

My husband has told me point blank that he doesn't particularly think that my needs are important with regards to conversation. He wants me to accept what he has to offer and be happy with that, even if it doesn't hit the mark.

Is it fair to say that my needs are not being met?


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