# Divorcing a verbally and emotionally abusive



## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

husband.
How the heck do you tell him you're done? Because I know exactly what to expect when I say the words, and the type of verbal assault I will have to hear.

Background:
We met over 5 years ago, things were going pretty well. Got pregnant relatively fast, but both of us were happy about it. Our daughter will be 4 soon. I started seeing some unpleasant behavior in the delivery room, but chalked it up to him just being stressed out (my ex-husband was trying to get custody of our kids and I was going though a custody battle with him). Two years later and he and his kids had to move into an apartment because it was part of a court order stating he and his kids couldn't reside in my home, we needed to find a bigger place. So I got pregnant again with our son, he will be 2 in a couple of months. Husband (fiance at the time) and his kids lived in their apartment for a year and a half, but he moved back in with us last December with his kids (ex husband was fine with it). He had a vasectomy before our son was born, and I just had an endometrial ablation, so there are not going to be anymore children. I've always chalked his attitude and behavior up to stress and feeling overwhelmed. Fast forward it to August, we got married. We seemed happy and in a better place, but that was short lived. Over the past few months, he has broken so many of his things, he has started to throw things against the wall. Smashing things I got him for holidays and our wedding. Just destroying stuff because he's mad. Over the last month we have been in a lot of nasty arguments and I've come to the conclusion that I can't continue being with him anymore. 

Things he's done/said:
He doesn't care what effect his nasty insults and hurtful words have on anyone
He doesn't care about anyone elses feelings
He's called me a cu*t
He's called me a fat a**
He's called me a piece of sh*t
He's called me a sponge and says I sponge off him (I pay all the bills, he pays $200 towards the bills for him and his 4 kids)
He's verbally abusive to the kids, and says all sorts of horrible things to them
He blames us for all the wrongs, all the bad stuff and all things that don't go his way.
He's gotten physical with his kids

And 3 weeks ago he shoved me, while we were arguing. Then he went and shoved over our 1 1/2 yr old over. I didn't call the police, because I didn't know if it was even serious enough to, since no one was injured. But I did tell him if he EVER did that again, I would call the police and press charges against him.

Now I am afraid of him. I agree with him only because I don't want to fight or argue with him and start him on his typical path he takes if someone disagrees with him. I do everything he says, because I don't want a fight. But I just want to be done. My kids are unhappy, his kids are unhappy and our two little ones are afraid of their father, and it breaks my heart. 

So I guess what I'm asking, since everything is in my name (my house, he moved in with me) how do I tell him it's over, and how do I get him out without him smashing everything up or possibly hurting someone in one of his tantrums? I guess calling the police, but should I do that the next time he starts throwing stuff at walls and yelling and swearing at us?

Thanks in advance. Feel free to ask anything if needing more info.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Get a Voice Activated Recorder for all conversations.

I'm done.

Call police.

Get restraining order.

Get counseling for you all.

Divorce.

You now know what kind of person to never have in your life.

Never go there again.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

You do owe it to your children to never have this abuser around you or your children again... a person like that would have to have years of counseling before I would consider anything different. 

Love ALL of you more and do everything legally necessary to remove this suffering from your life.


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## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

I forgot to add, I also found out he's been sending pictures of me (intimate ones that we took together) to other people. I never gave him permission to do that, ever. It's been a few times, a few went to friends of his and a few went to people I don't know, and I think he met online. He also pretends to be me and has cyber sex with some people.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You need to call the police when he gets physical because if you don't he's going to end up with the children part of the time.

So call the police and get a restraining order that removes him from the home.

Do you have a lawyer? Perhaps your lawyer could help you with this?


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## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> You need to call the police when he gets physical because if you don't he's going to end up with the children part of the time.
> 
> So call the police and get a restraining order that removes him from the home.
> 
> Do you have a lawyer? Perhaps your lawyer could help you with this?


I went to one this morning, have a couple more I am going to meet with, to see who would be the best for me. 
I have reported him to cps, so there is an investigation currently, they've only talked with me and the kids so far, they talked to both of our ex's as well, they will be here this week sometime to talk with him. I will be definitely be calling the cops on him for anymore of the physical stuff.


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## KevinZX (Jul 1, 2017)

I can see you are in predicament, it won't be easy getting away from this man, you must find the strength to leave asap, it is for your children's sake you must leave, i would go down the road of contacting the police regarding his physical response to you and the verbal anger he directs at you all, it is only a matter of time before things escalate, it is a big step to put this in the hands of the police but it will give you some space to make the move you so desperately need. Good luck.

Love and Peace always

KevinZX


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## DoneAndDoner (Jan 27, 2018)

I am in an identical situation with my husband, except that we do not have any previous marriages or step children, just two kids of our own. My husband is emotionally and verbally abusive and has been slightly physical with our son. I think, like you, I keep questioning when the line is actually crossed. CPS has also been to our house. I have also stopped engaging in fights just to keep the peace for the kids.

I have also posted on here asking for advice on how to tell my husband I want a divorce. And I think the answer is that there is no easy way. People suggested leaving a note, but I felt that it would elevate his rage. I agree that if you fear for your safety, document these events and get a restraining order. If there's hope in you to have a face-to-face conversation, at a minimum, get the kids out of the house, find a way to do this in a public place, and let a few people know that you're going to do this.

In addition to meeting with various attorneys, do your homework and plan your exit strategy, physical and all other logistics. See if your homeowners insurance covers anything as a result of destruction. 

I have a question though...does he know CPS has an open case on him? If so, how has he responded? In my mind, a truly vindictive person would have reacted with more rage and abuse. Otherwise, it's just a means of control. Maybe plan for the absolute worst and hope it doesn't come to that. Get your ducks completely lined up and then go.

I agree that all the kids deserve way more than they're experiencing. Best of luck to you.


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## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

DoneAndDoner said:


> I am in an identical situation with my husband, except that we do not have any previous marriages or step children, just two kids of our own. My husband is emotionally and verbally abusive and has been slightly physical with our son. I think, like you, I keep questioning when the line is actually crossed. CPS has also been to our house. I have also stopped engaging in fights just to keep the peace for the kids.
> 
> I have also posted on here asking for advice on how to tell my husband I want a divorce. And I think the answer is that there is no easy way. People suggested leaving a note, but I felt that it would elevate his rage. I agree that if you fear for your safety, document these events and get a restraining order. If there's hope in you to have a face-to-face conversation, at a minimum, get the kids out of the house, find a way to do this in a public place, and let a few people know that you're going to do this.
> 
> ...


I find myself feeling incredibly guilty in between his explosions, only to go right back to where I want to get the kids and run. CPS talked to him yesterday, so yes he knows now. He of course denied and minimized everything in the complaint, but everyone else told pretty much the same story except him. I felt so sick to my stomach and he just looked defeated after. We talked some, I expressed to him the kids and I are really tired of being abused by him, and he just keeps blaming them and other people around him for his behavior, I offered to help him get an appointment with a therapist, he refused. I'm going to use this week to get what I need done, go get a storage unit for some of mine and my kids things, and then tell him. I might have his mother here when I do, to take our little ones out of the house so we can discuss it. I am so disappointed in myself for thinking things would work out and I am so sad that I keep thinking he will change and I keep exposing my children to his toxic self.

I'm sorry you're going through this too. It makes me sad that others are, but in the same sense it makes me feel like I'm less alone in this. I wish things like this didn't happen and I wish mine was at least willing to own his problems and at the very least, try to fix it. He could, I'm sure if he was willing to make some changes and pick his battles with people, it would be a lot less miserable for him and everyone else around him.


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## Suspicious1 (Nov 19, 2017)

I've been thinking of getting a vasectomy and have been doing the research of lately, I've seen read this character change, and heighten aggression.

Not making excuses for such behavior, seems odd.

Good luck and take care of those babies.

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


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## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

Suspicious1 said:


> I've been thinking of getting a vasectomy and have been doing the research of lately, I've seen read this character change, and heighten aggression.
> 
> Not making excuses for such behavior, seems odd.
> 
> ...


He was like this with his first wife, and he was like this before the vasectomy.


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