# Was this wrong of me to do?



## kittykatz (Feb 22, 2013)

This is long but I just want to be sure to give all the details in order to get accurate answers. Let me start off by saying this. I am not a very sociable person. I mostly keep to myself. I have very few friends and typically others have to approach ME instead of me approaching them. Most of the people that I work with and see on a daily basis are not the type of people that Id want to associate myself with. I just don't really "click" with any of them. I feel like we have nothing in common. I've made one genuine friend at work, and she doesn't even work there anymore. Since she quit and got a different job, we rarely see each other now. Thats not to say that just because I dont have a lot of friends, that I don't have the desire to have any. The problem is just meeting someone who shares the same interests and has a similar personality as me. Being shy doesn't help either.... because even when I meet someone that I like, I have a hard time being the one to approach them. 

Anyway, I think its safe to say that the person I spend the most time with and talk to the most is my husband. I absolutely love my husband and love having him as my best friend... but sometimes I just need someone else to talk to. 

I heard about this webcam chatting site. So I decided to go to it, and at first I didn't say anything about it to my husband because I didn't think it was a big enough deal to bother mentioning. I was just going on there to chat. I didn't see any problem with it. 

Well, as soon as I went to the site, I soon realized that the majority of people there were men.... and that most of them weren't there just to chat... if you know what I mean. There was one time that I can remember when I actually did see another female and unlike the others, she actually talked to me and we had a nice conversation.... we just talked about regular stuff. This was a rare thing though because most of the time, none of the females would talk to me. Most of the time the only people interested in me were men. There were quite a few times when I saw some things that I really wish I hadn't have. However, anytime that I did see a guy being vulgar or showing any nudity, I would immediately click off and move onto someone else. 

Out of all the guys that I talked to, there were only a handful that actually had normal conversations with me. The rest of the guys would always end up being flirtatious with me... They'd always compliment me on my looks and I would just say "thank you" and then try to change the subject. I NEVER told any of the guys that I chatted with, that I thought they were attractive or commented on THEIR appearance at all. I'm not going to lie. It is somewhat flattering to get a compliment... in fact, I will even say that I enjoyed the compliments. It makes me feel good about myself... maybe thats part of why I kept going back. Initially I just went there for conversation, but after I had seen all the compliments from guys that I got, I started to enjoy it and I started to crave more. Its not that I was at all interested in any of these guys that I talked to. In fact, whenever a guy was being a little too flirtatious or being a little TOO complimentary, I always made it very clear that I was married. Like I said, I love my husband and I have no desire to be with anyone else... but is it wrong to enjoy getting compliments? My husband used to compliment me all the time when we first got together.... he would go on and on about how beautiful he thought I was. The compliments were endless. Since we've been married, he still does it every now and then but not nearly as much. I know he still thinks I'm attractive... but as a woman, I need to be able to HEAR that from him. I know that when you first get with someone, its usually really passionate. You can't keep your hands off them, you want to tell them how beautiful and how wonderful they are every second of the day. As time goes on, the newness of the relationship starts to fade away, and some of the passion starts to fade along with it... I understand that... but we've only been married for 3 years and together for almost 5. I've brought it to his attention before that he doesn't compliment me as much as he used to and that it doesn't make me feel good. He doesn't seem to think its that big of a problem. He might say something to make me feel better in the moment like "You're so pretty", but then he will go months without ever complimenting me again.

Anyway, after going to that site almost everyday for about a week, I started to feel like I should tell him about it... not that I felt that I had said or did anything appropriate... but I thought he might not feel comfortable with me putting myself in that type of position. By that, I mean the type of position to have guys flirting with me and giving me compliments... and I didn't think he'd feel comfortable knowing I was possibly putting myself in the position to see men doing inappropriate things to themselves, even though I always discontinued any communication with them immediately anytime this ever happened. So I told him about it... I told him that some of the guys that I ran into were being vulgar, and that I ended the conversation with them as soon as they did anything out of line. I also told him that some of the guys were slightly flirtatious but that I made it clear to all of them that I was married and was not interested in any type of relationship or anything further than chatting online. I told him that I could understand if he didn't want me to go to a website like that, considering the type of activity that goes on there.... and I could understand if he didn't want me to be exposed to that. So, I flat out told him, "If you are uncomfortable with me being on the site, just tell me and I won't ever go to it again... because you are the thing thats most important to me and I'm not going to do anything that you aren't comfortable with."

Very rarely does he ever forbid me from doing something. Hes just not that type of person... he tries to be as least controlling as possible. He never told me not to go on the site again.... He didn't act like he was upset over it.. so I ended up getting back on the site a few days later. This time, my husband actually walked in while I was talking to another guy. We were just having a normal conversation.... nothing inappropriate. I think the only thing even slightly flirtatious he said to me was at the beginning of the conversation he told me I was cute. I said thank you. We moved on and started talking about something else. My husband walked in and I could tell that he wasn't pleased. He didn't fly off the handle or anything, but I could just tell that he was bothered. I ended up getting off the site shortly after, and I talked to him more about the issue. I told him "If you didn't want me to get back on there, why didn't you tell me? I specifically told you that if you were uncomfortable and wanted me to stay off the site, that I would."

He basically went on to tell me that even though my intentions were not to cheat on him, that he felt I was playing with fire by putting myself in the situation for it to possibly happen. His fear was that I'd meet someone there that I liked and that we would maybe exchange emails or something and that we'd begin to chat with each other on a regular basis... maybe I'd become good friends with a guy and eventually it would turn into something more. I explained to him that with the way that site works, you never talk to the same person more than once. The site randomly selects a person for you to talk to... when you're done talking, thats it. Chances are, you're never going to talk to them again.. unless you give someone your email address, phone number, skype username, etc..which I never did. 

He still didn't really like the idea of it and he explained to me that he knew a guy whose wife would always chat with other guys online. Supposedly it was innocent in the beginning... but then one day she ended up leaving her husband for one of the guys she was talking to. He said that when it comes to being friends with the opposite sex, I should be careful because often times, the friendship does turn into more. Come to think of it... he doesn't have a lot of female friends... and the ones that he does have, he doesn't communicate with them that often. I can understand his fears, and since then, I have stopped getting on the website. I totally understand what hes saying, and I know he'd do the same for me if he was doing something I didn't approve of. 

He said he didn't mind if I chatted to other females... he was more concerned with me talking to males. The only problem is, none of the females on this particular site ever wanted to talk to me. Not all sites are like this one though.. there are plenty of other sites I could go to that have primarily women instead of men. Or better yet, I could just work on getting over my social anxieties and try making more friends outside of the internet. The point is, that website isn't the only way for me to socialize with people... so its not that big of a deal to me to give it up. If it makes my husband happy, then I'm happy. 

I find it fun to chat with people online. I am much more comfortable talking to people online, even if its on a webcam, than I am talking to people face to face in person. I feel like I can relax and be myself. I don't care as much what people think of me because I will never have to see them or talk to them again. I even find it fun to get compliments. To me, its all innocent... I'm not talking about sexual type compliments like commenting on my body.... I tended to not talk to guys that made those types of remarks. I just mean innocent compliments like "You have pretty eyes." or... "Youre cute".... Do you think those types of compliments are out of line? Do you think that its wrong of me to enjoy getting those kinds of compliments from other guys? Honestly I feel that if my husband complimented me more, like he used to, I wouldn't crave it from other guys.. dont you think so? I mean I certainly never used to. In your opinion, did I really do anything wrong? The fact that I was honest with him about it and didn't hide it from him, tells me I wasn't do anything wrong... or at least I didnt THINK that I was.


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

Is this a joke?


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## kittykatz (Feb 22, 2013)

Lyris said:


> Is this a joke?


...... No... this is not a joke.... what part of my post was funny to you?


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## AFwifey (Apr 26, 2013)

If he's uneasy you shouldn't do it. At least the talking with males part, but if you can find a female to chat with then I see no harm in that. You could also try having him in the room while you chat with someone so he can see what's going on. It's great that you told him what you have been doing


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

Well heck my marriage is already over, but I have to be honest in this day and age of the information highway, and people putting personal stuff up at an alarming rate. There are people that use that information, and get better at doing it, just to manipulate others. Its almost like a challenge to some to see how far they can get a woman to go. So to answer the question, i'd have been very uncomfortable with it as well.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

The reason Lyris asked if this is a joke is because this is how affairs start online. She knows that there are stories after stories around here about affairs that started as 'innocently' as what you are doing and that ended up distorying marriages.

What time of day is it when you usually talk to people, mostly guys, on these web cam chat sites?

Where is your husband when you do this usually?


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## NotEZ (Sep 23, 2012)

Honey, I'm female and will talk with you any time you want. Don't risk a good marriage just for someone to talk too. Compliments do feel good, but that's how it starts. You don't mean to do anything but then you go back for the compliments, then you have a great conversation, then it feels good to be understood by someone... It goes on and on until you get in too deep that you can't find your way out. I don't know from personal experience but there are a great number of examples on this site (posters who have been the betrayer in an EA) whose stories started the exact same way. Those that after the fact can't believe they did it, but know they did. It is not worth the risk.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kittykatz (Feb 22, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> The reason Lyris asked if this is a joke is because this is how affairs start online. She knows that there are stories after stories around here about affairs that started as 'innocently' as what you are doing and that ended up distorying marriages.
> 
> What time of day is it when you usually talk to people, mostly guys, on these web cam chat sites?
> 
> Where is your husband when you do this usually?


 I haven't been to that site in months... probably 5 or 6 months. I stopped as soon as he told me he was concerned about it, just as I told him that I would. Usually when I did get on, it was at night time after I got off work. My husband was usually either not home or alseep... I guess at first, I was kind of hiding it from him... but like I said, after about a week of going to the site, I told him about it and he didn't seem that bothered by it. After this, I started not caring if he walked in on me while I was in the middle of chatting with someone... and one day, that's exactly what happened. He walked in on me and I didn't try to close anything out or turn off the computer... I just continued talking. I guess actually seeing me chatting with other guys bothered him more than he thought it would... although we weren't chatting about anything inappropriate. I can understand where he's coming from though which is why I stopped immediately. I don't see myself ever talking to another guy with the intentions of cheating on my husband... but I know that sometimes it happens anyway, before even really realizing what you're doing, which is why its best to avoid putting yourself in those situations. If my husband was doing what I did, Id probably be concerned too, even though I trust my husband, just as he trusts me. I don't mind that he has female friends but I do agree with him that its best not to get TOO close to someone of the opposite sex. In most cases, I do not think men and women can be just friends, or at least not close friends.. not without feelings becoming involved eventually. I just wish that I could get him to compliment me the way that he used to... Im not out of shape, I haven't let myself go. I am 5'3 and 114 pounds... im the same size as I was when he first met me. I see no reason for why he wouldn't want to anymore, unless he's just starting to take me for granted maybe.... I still do things for him to try to make him feel special. Just a couple weeks ago was our anniversary and I made him lasagna, his favorite dinner. I constantly hug him, kiss him, I am always being affectionate toward him. I can find other ways of chatting with people and making female friends... but how am I going to fix the problem with him not complimenting me anymore? I've already told him how I feel. I don't want to seem like im just always asking more and more from him... in most ways, I think he's perfect. There are only a couple of minor things that bother me about him and this is one of them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

There are two books that I think would help you communicate what you need from him...

"His Needs, Her Needs" and "5 Languages of Love".

See if you can get him to read them with you and then the two of you do the work that they suggest.


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## kittykatz (Feb 22, 2013)

NotEZ said:


> Honey, I'm female and will talk with you any time you want. Don't risk a good marriage just for someone to talk too. Compliments do feel good, but that's how it starts. You don't mean to do anything but then you go back for the compliments, then you have a great conversation, then it feels good to be understood by someone... It goes on and on until you get in too deep that you can't find your way out. I don't know from personal experience but there are a great number of examples on this site (posters who have been the betrayer in an EA) whose stories started the exact same way. Those that after the fact can't believe they did it, but know they did. It is not worth the risk.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 I understand what you're saying. Its basically the same thing my husband said.... sometimes you may start out with innocent intentions and then before you know it, you've taken it too far. I think when it gets to the point where you spend more time talking to your "friend" than you talk to your spouse, and if that friend happens to be of the opposite sex, there might be a problem. It never got to that point with me, but I can understand my husband's point, which is that it could have.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kittykatz (Feb 22, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> There are two books that I think would help you communicate what you need from him...
> 
> "His Needs, Her Needs" and "5 Languages of Love".
> 
> See if you can get him to read them with you and then the two of you do the work that they suggest.


I will look those up. Thank you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

The trick in marriage is to nip this stuff in the bud before it becomes a huge problem.


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## Latigo (Apr 27, 2011)

If I'm not mistaken, aren't you the one who wants your H to be MORE jealous? I'd say you stirred his jealousy pretty good. Personally I get bent outta shape when a guy clicks "like" on any of my wife's FB posts. I'd hate to think how I'd react if I found out she was going on that chat site.


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## belleoftheball (May 16, 2013)

Well I can say I know how you feel. My husband is my best friend as well and I am in the same situation as you. I was actually going to start a thread somewhat similar to yours when I read yours. The only difference is I have not told mine about the other men I talk to. I mean it is only talking and nothing else going on. Like you said, you just need someone to listen to you other than your spouse from time to time. I love my husband to death and he is my best friend, but I do want others to talk to. So I really see no harm in it.


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## NotEZ (Sep 23, 2012)

kittykatz said:


> I understand what you're saying. Its basically the same thing my husband said.... sometimes you may start out with innocent intentions and then before you know it, you've taken it too far. I think when it gets to the point where you spend more time talking to your "friend" than you talk to your spouse, and if that friend happens to be of the opposite sex, there might be a problem. It never got to that point with me, but I can understand my husband's point, which is that it could have.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Exactly. And no one here, or your husband, thinks that you have done anything wrong... Yet. It's just so much easier to avoid situations in which it could happen than it is to stop it when/if it does. You can never totally erase the damage that can be done. It's better to blow the candle out before you go to bed than to take the chance it starts your house on fire. And I wasn't kidding.. If you just want to talk, PM me... I have a computer and am not interested in ruining your marriage lol. Good luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kittykatz (Feb 22, 2013)

NotEZ said:


> Exactly. And no one here, or your husband, thinks that you have done anything wrong... Yet. It's just so much easier to avoid situations in which it could happen than it is to stop it when/if it does. You can never totally erase the damage that can be done. It's better to blow the candle out before you go to bed than to take the chance it starts your house on fire. And I wasn't kidding.. If you just want to talk, PM me... I have a computer and am not interested in ruining your marriage lol. Good luck.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 Well thanks. I really appreicate that. I really need someone to talk to sometimes... someone other than my husband or my family. I need more friends... female friends... for obvious reasons. Like I said, im shy and its just really difficult for me to open up to people face to face... I have to know a person really well to do that, and usually that takes a longgg time. That being said, dont be surprised if you get a PM from me sometime soon. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

I do not think that a site on which by the OP's own admission has lots of men who want to flirt or share inappropriate images is one a happily married person should be visiting.

Even if you are not looking to hook up with someone it would be the sort of place I can imagine an EA starting.

Could I suggest that if the OP has spare time on her hands whilst her husband is at work she looks to do something more productive than this. 
How about a couple of hours a week volunteering for a local charity.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

dragonlady4ever said:


> Well I can say I know how you feel. My husband is my best friend as well and I am in the same situation as you. I was actually going to start a thread somewhat similar to yours when I read yours. The only difference is I have not told mine about the other men I talk to. I mean it is only talking and nothing else going on. Like you said, you just need someone to listen to you other than your spouse from time to time. I love my husband to death and he is my best friend, but I do want others to talk to. So I really see no harm in it.


Talk to other women then. Why does it have to be men?
I'm sorry but my guess is that MOST of the men who use these chat sites are really only after one thing.


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## kittykatz (Feb 22, 2013)

Latigo said:


> If I'm not mistaken, aren't you the one who wants your H to be MORE jealous? I'd say you stirred his jealousy pretty good. Personally I get bent outta shape when a guy clicks "like" on any of my wife's FB posts. I'd hate to think how I'd react if I found out she was going on that chat site.


 That's me. I know I must look like I complain about him an awful lot but honestly there are very few things that I have to complain about... the things about him that do bother me are very minor and I believe they can either be worked on or just let go. There's nothing about him so horrible that Id consider divorce, that's for sure. I probably did get him pretty jealous, and even though I complained about his lack of jealousy, this was not my intention when I got on that website. I didn't tell him about it to rub it in his face. I told him about it because I thought he might be uncomfortable with it and I didn't want to hide anything from him. I have a feeling that it bothered him more than he tried to act like it did... my husband is someone who tends to think more logically than with emotions. He usually doesn't show a lot of emotion... but yes, im sure that deep down, it probably made him quite jealous. I think im starting to realize that's it not that he doesn't get jealous... I think he gets jealous just as much as the next guy. The difference is that he hides those negative emotions and has enough self control to not overreact.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NotEZ (Sep 23, 2012)

Wiltshireman said:


> I do not think that a site on which by the OP's own admission has lots of men who want to flirt or share inappropriate images is one a happily married person should be visiting.
> 
> Even if you are not looking to hook up with someone it would be the sort of place I can imagine an EA starting.
> 
> ...


I think she understands that too. I understand her feelings in regards to meeting people (female friends) and such. I am still relatively young, 30. My hubby and I have been together 15 years. I don't have many close Girl friends either. The ones I had were somewhat left behing when hubs and I had our first kid when I was 20. Plus the fact he has a chronic illness that we've dealt with the entire 15 years we've been together. I'm beautiful and funloving, but shy. I concentrate solely on my family because I HAD too. Now I wouldn't go on chat sites and open myself up to a potential affair, but I truly do believe that she went to the website looking to find a non-male person to talk too... People who are here, have experienced it or read the experiences of others KNOW how it usually turns out. I think she should be given some credit for the fact she's here questioning her own behavior before she got to the point of no return. There is nothing in her posts that suggest she ever went looking for male attention or that she is looking to disregard the feelings of her husband or the advice given here. Wrong move, yes. But she didn't continue on and accept the type of conversation she found there. She stopped and is questioning her actions. It's like questioning an alcoholic for calling you to pick him up from the liquor store. Wrong for being there, but he called for help instead of bought. 

I know this whole post sounds like I'm justifying her talking to MEN on these sites... And I'm not at all. I do believe that she didn't join any site looking to talk to men and is here because she did and questions her actions as well. The fact that she's here despite her not talking to anyone more than once tells me her marriage is her priority.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

This is why sites like these are danger zones. You already had started comparing the compliments you received from the pervs with what your husband DOESN'T do for you. These things wriggle in you ears...and it is hard to let go...instant marital dissatisfaction. If you really feel like there are some hurdles, then suggest marital counseling or doing a marriage book together. Get proactive...and not just being disappointed, waiting for your husband to happen.


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## belleoftheball (May 16, 2013)

Well I know me and my hubby do not argue that much, but we have our ups and downs just like other couples. My issue is even though my hubby is there for me like you are saying, you just need someone else to talk to. I really do not see no wrong or harm in that. We all need someone to listen to us and vent from time to time other than our spouse. I know most men have one thing on their mind, but like the OP said, finding someone who does not do that and just listens to you and talks is all that we want. So what is so wrong with that? I mean if it went any further than I would put a stop to it real fast.


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## NotEZ (Sep 23, 2012)

dragonlady4ever said:


> Well I know me and my hubby do not argue that much, but we have our ups and downs just like other couples. My issue is even though my hubby is there for me like you are saying, you just need someone else to talk to. I really do not see no wrong or harm in that. We all need someone to listen to us and vent from time to time other than our spouse. I know most men have one thing on their mind, but like the OP said, finding someone who does not do that and just listens to you and talks is all that we want. So what is so wrong with that? I mean if it went any further than I would put a stop to it real fast.


It's not wrong to want that... It's wrong to get it from a male that is not your husband. Women have needs. If you start getting one of them filled by another man, you are going to develop feelings. Anytime a need is filled by aomeone outside your marriage, you subtract from what your husband can give you. If all you want is to talk to someone outside your husband, do it with a female. It might not feel wrong now but anytime you give any part of yourself, even if just words and thoughts, to another man you are cheating your husband out of that part of you. It's normal to want to talk to people outside of your marriage. That's what friends are for... Girlfriends.

How would you feel if your husband found girls, online or otherwise, to talk to. Would that be on because everyone needs aomeone to talk to outside of marriage? Really think about that. If its ok for you, it's ok for him. If you are truly looking for nothing other than friendship and conversation, someone of the same sex will do just fine. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anja (Mar 12, 2013)

Kitty, your age and the way you describe your thinking and the things you do leads me to believe you are after a lot more attention in your life than you're getting.
Why have you no friends? What happened to all your friends from school? Also, why are you so proud of being shy? It's ok to like being the center of attention, that's how great actors are born.
You could start a group if you haven't found any. Take your hobby and post on Craigslist or FB for peoe who want to meet up. Join the home-selling movement. There are to a of things. Tupperware is obvious but there are candle light, creative memories, that purse 31 thingy, Mary Kay, books, toys, pampered chef, tastefully simple... Great way to meet other women, as it is usually women attending such parties, and starting acquaintances, out of which friendships can grow over time. 
Volunteer your time if you like. Kids story time at the library... Dog walker for neighborhood...

Personally, if my brother told me his wife keeps getting phone numbers and guys lust after her and now she's chatting because it feels good, I'd tell him to have serious concerns about her character and how she conducts herself. You're lucky that your man is 10 years older and has a more mature outlook.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Soifon (Oct 5, 2012)

NotEZ said:


> Exactly. And no one here, or your husband, thinks that you have done anything wrong... Yet.


I absolutely think she's done a lot wrong. She is playing games with her husband. She wants him to be more jealous so she goes online and starts VIDEO chatting with MEN. Come on now. Really? I'm sorry but this is just over the top. OP is either extremely naive or is playing dumb. Based on all of her other posts I'm quite certain it's the latter. 

Look OP, you obviously need a lot of attention or you have way too much time on your hands. If you want to meet people firstly, don't go to craigslist. Go to meetup.com and find a group that has the same interests as you. Or go to your local library and look at the bulletin boards there for groups to get involved with. Volunteer somewhere or something. 

If you think it's ok for you to be talking online with men, video or not, you shouldn't be married. And don't tell me that it's because no females would talk to you. You mention in every post you put on this site that you are so pretty and get so many compliments but are so shy and no one likes you. You are fishing for compliments and attention I have no doubt in my mind. It's annoying. You have a lot of growing up to do so my only advice to you is to knock it off with the meek, shy, no one likes me (except men) cuz I'm beautiful routine. Women don't do that, little girls do that.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Soifon said:


> I absolutely think she's done a lot wrong. She is playing games with her husband. She wants him to be more jealous so she goes online and starts VIDEO chatting with MEN. Come on now. Really? I'm sorry but this is just over the top. OP is either extremely naive or is playing dumb. Based on all of her other posts I'm quite certain it's the latter.
> 
> Look OP, you obviously need a lot of attention or you have way too much time on your hands. If you want to meet people firstly, don't go to craigslist. Go to meetup.com and find a group that has the same interests as you. Or go to your local library and look at the bulletin boards there for groups to get involved with. Volunteer somewhere or something.
> 
> If you think it's ok for you to be talking online with men, video or not, you shouldn't be married. And don't tell me that it's because no females would talk to you. You mention in every post you put on this site that you are so pretty and get so many compliments but are so shy and no one likes you. You are fishing for compliments and attention I have no doubt in my mind. It's annoying. You have a lot of growing up to do so my only advice to you is to knock it off with the meek, shy, no one likes me (except men) cuz I'm beautiful routine. Women don't do that, little girls do that.


She doesn't want female friends bc she needs male validation.That much is obvious.Females,based on the way she talks about them in her other threads,are the enemy because they take the attention off her.
And I agree,she is playing games with her husband.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

I will say what your husband is thinking but is being too "NICE" to say.

GET OF THE FRIGGING WEBCAMS!! What you're doing is wrong and insulting. If you want some female friends, go to the salon, gym SOMETHING. But what you're doing is opening yourself to cheat.


PS I find it interesting that you complained your husband doesn't get "jealous enough" so you start doing this....REALLY?!?!

I'm getting my 2x4 blunt hat on here with the rest of this.

WTF is wrong with you that you need to take a perfectly good and happy marriage and bait your husband to act differently. You're INTENTIONALLY trying to make him jealous now You KNEW he'd be uncomfortable with you chatting, don't give me this line of crap. YOU KNEW IT. And you still did it. Then you ask him about it KNOWING he's not the jealous type (or at least tries not to be) so you KNEW he'd say "nah it's okay just be safe" when in reality you KNEW he wouldn't be comfortable with what you're doing. Yet you still go out and do it. Do you really have this need to push his buttons, to INTENTIONALLY inflict stress on him to get some sort of rise out of him you want.....There's a definition for that, nicely it's manipulation, bluntly it's EMOTIONAL ABUSE!!!

What are you SOOOO discontent with about yourself that you feel the need to be self destructive. MY GOSH!!!!!

It's time to grow up, be an ADULT WOMAN and TRY just TRY to be as good of a wife to your husband as he is a husband to you.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

kittykatz said:


> Well thanks. I really appreicate that. I really need someone to talk to sometimes... someone other than my husband or my family. I need more friends... female friends... for obvious reasons. Like I said, im shy and its just really difficult for me to open up to people face to face... I have to know a person really well to do that, and usually that takes a longgg time. That being said, dont be surprised if you get a PM from me sometime soon.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Right so going on a random webcam program where guys have a tendency to whip out their southern head all the time is your solution! :smthumbup: That's some good thinking.

What hobbies do you like. Pursue some hobbies in group situations. You'll meet some great friends.


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## NotEZ (Sep 23, 2012)

Soifon said:


> I absolutely think she's done a lot wrong. She is playing games with her husband. She wants him to be more jealous so she goes online and starts VIDEO chatting with MEN. Come on now. Really? I'm sorry but this is just over the top. OP is either extremely naive or is playing dumb. Based on all of her other posts I'm quite certain it's the latter.
> 
> Look OP, you obviously need a lot of attention or you have way too much time on your hands. If you want to meet people firstly, don't go to craigslist. Go to meetup.com and find a group that has the same interests as you. Or go to your local library and look at the bulletin boards there for groups to get involved with. Volunteer somewhere or something.
> 
> If you think it's ok for you to be talking online with men, video or not, you shouldn't be married. And don't tell me that it's because no females would talk to you. You mention in every post you put on this site that you are so pretty and get so many compliments but are so shy and no one likes you. You are fishing for compliments and attention I have no doubt in my mind. It's annoying. You have a lot of growing up to do so my only advice to you is to knock it off with the meek, shy, no one likes me (except men) cuz I'm beautiful routine. Women don't do that, little girls do that.


I must say I haven't read any of her other threads so I don't know anything except for what she said in the OP of this one.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

My SO is a nice guy.Too shy to really speak up when he's hurt or angry unless it's really bad.
I can't imagine,knowing this about him,going on webcams and then telling him about it.It would be like taking the knife and gutting him just to see if he reacts in agony.
So cruel in my opinion.These are things you simply do not do to people you love no matter what your needs are for jealousy and attention.When I think of baiting my SO like that,I picture pulling wings off a butterfly  Hurts my heart to even consider behaving that way.


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## Soifon (Oct 5, 2012)

NotEZ said:


> I must say I haven't read any of her other threads so I don't know anything except for what she said in the OP of this one.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sorry I wasn't really directing that at you I was just using your quote to show her the correction that we don't all feel that way. I can see how if you haven't been keeping up with her other dramas you might view this differently. (I wouldn't because I think it's dumb to think guys video chatting have something other then sex on their mind, but that's just me )


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

At least you told him. Kudos for that. 

But if you feel safe online, just make sure it's a female-only site. But even then, you can develop feelings for another woman if you feel she 'gets' you when your husband doesn't.

Best to read the books described, maybe get some therapy to figure out WHY you are so reclusive, and push yourself outside your comfort zone - WITH your husband. This may be the jolt you two need to create a better marriage.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Kitty, I think you need some counseling to find out why you have such low self esteem that you constantly need validation from strangers and your husband. Neediness is an unattractive trait.

You should also find out why you need validation from MEN which is why you don't have a lot of real-life female friends.

The more I read, it seems to be a regular occurrence of 'poor little rich/pretty girl' as an attention-getting scheme. "no one likes me, they are jealous of my well-off family/tanning bed/pool" and you want your husband to be jealous and for everyone to flatter you.

Perhaps you would find some self esteem in going to school or doing work that is more meaningful to you. Once you find value on the inside, you'll begin to be less needy/desirous of admiration and have more to contribute to a solid sisterly relationship. Women won't want to be around other women who only want to be fawned over.

You will probably perceive this as ultra critical, judgmental and even jealous coming from a middle-aged woman, but I'm serious that you need to develop the person you are on the inside to defeat the insecurity demons that plague your personal relationships. Good luck.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

EleGirl said:


> There are two books that I think would help you communicate what you need from him...
> 
> "His Needs, Her Needs" and "5 Languages of Love".
> 
> See if you can get him to read them with you and then the two of you do the work that they suggest.


Here is a run down for you...










>>  The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts  

Tests online :







 Love Languages Personal Profile 







and 








 Ok Cupid 5 Love Languages Test 

























His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage  ~ these are the Core Emotional Needs addressed .....



> 10 Emotional needs:
> 
> 
> 1. *Admiration*
> ...










 Emotional Needs Questionnaire









........


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## kittykatz (Feb 22, 2013)

I understand that it looks like I only did this to make my husband jealous, considering my past threads. You can call it a "load of crap" or whatever you want... but its not true. I'm looking for real opinions here and I wouldn't be anything but 100% honest if I werent. 

I heard about the website because someone at work was talking about it. Just out of curiosity, I went to it one night. At first, I wasn't even going to show myself on camera. Eventually I kind of felt that I had to because hardly noone would talk to me, male OR female, unless they could see what I looked like. They would just instantly "next" me when they saw that I didn't have a cam. So one night I decided to set up the webcam and almost instantly, everyone suddenly wanted to talk to me... or at least the guys did. 

I honestly didnt even expect to be back to that site after visiting it a few times. I didn't expect to get addicted to it. I wasn't even going to mention it to my husband at all at first but then after I'd been going there for a week and had started to develop an urge to keep going back, thats when I started to question what I was doing. I started craving the attention and the compliments that I would get.... that was NOT the initial reason that I went on the site. As I said, I didn't even have intentions of showing my face when I first went to the site. My intentions of going to the site were truly just to have a regular chat with someone. I told my husband about it for no reason other than the fact that it scared me that I was becoming so involved in the website and I wanted to be honest with him about it before it got out of control. Believe me. I was in NO way shape or form, looking forward to telling him about it. I did not WANT to tell him about it. I was extremely nervous about telling him because I did not know what his reaction was going to be... but I told him anyway because he had the right to know. I know he is typically a very laid back, passive person... but this particular situation was one that he had never been confronted with before.... so no, I did not know for sure how he was going to react. 

When he acted like he didnt think it was that big of a deal, of course I went back. If he didn't seem too concerned, then why should I? Its one thing to not act like a jealous lunatic because a random customer at work gave me his phone number for no apparent reason. He doesnt react to that kind of thing because he knows that I wasnt flirting back with the guy or showing any interest in him... I tell him I'm married, throw away the number and never see him again. He doesnt feel threatened by something like this. However, I have no doubt in my mind that if I was involved in something that he seriously thought could harm our relationship, he would say something about it... which is what he eventually did in this situation. 

You all can criticize me all you want but the fact is, I told my husband about it because I care about our relationship, first and foremost. I was not playing games with him, I was not trying to get a rise out of him... Trying to get a rise out of him would be telling the grocery store clerk that he had nice eyes... and I havent even done that! Im just saying, to me, that would be innocent flirting... going online and chatting with guys, especially on a site like that, has the potential for something much more serious to happen and possibly damage our marriage. I would never go that far as to try to "make him jealous". You can all believe that if you want, and judging from my past posts, I can see where youre coming from... but again, Im being completely honest and if it were true, I would admit it... but its just not the case.

The point is, when my husband expressed concern and told me he didn't want me chatting with MEN anymore, I listened to him... In fact I stopped talking to men and women both. I left the site altogether... because as I told him, he is whats most important to me. If trying to make him jealous was my goal, I would have never stopped going to that site. What would be the point? I could get on there as many times as I like. I could have kept going on there for months and months, and kept continuing to tell him about it until one day he finally exploded. Better yet, I could have took it a step further and started flirting back with some of these guys.... maybe even show them some skin. Now that would REALLY get his blood boiling! My point is, if I was just interested in making him jealous, why did I stop where I did? I could have done sooo many things, so much more than I did, that would have gotten much more of a reaction out of him than I got. I didn't do that... in fact, I was doing the opposite. I was trying my best to NOT do or say anything that would make him feel uncomfortable when on this chat site.

I am aware that there are other ways of making female friends. I know there are other activities I could get involved which would allow me to meet more people and have more women friends. I made a mistake, I told my husband about it and I have since stopped doing what I was doing. At the time, I did not realize the potential harm that could come out of a situation like that... now I do. Its one thing to try to make someone jealous, its another thing to actually intentionally risk jeopardizing your relationship just for the sake of making someone jealous. I would never do that.

I was being truthful when I said that I initially went there for conversation. I didnt start going there for compliments until I had been there a few times and saw that I WAS getting compliments and how good it felt... thats when I started to crave more.

I am not trying to give off the impression that I'm the shy/pretty and certainly by no means "rich" girl. Its unfortunate if some of you think so, but I was not purposely trying to give off that impression. I think its ridiculous for someone to think that Im proud of being shy. Really? I hate being shy..... its the number one thing about myself that I hate the most. If there was a magic pill I could take to stop being shy, I'd take it! The only reason I mention that I'm shy a lot is just so that people get an accurate idea of what kind of person I am... I felt it was necessary to mention it in the case of guys giving me their phone numbers at work because I didn't want anyone thinking that I said or did anything to these guys to make them do what they do. I don't.... I get plenty of attention from guys that I do NOT ask for. Even if I wanted attention from them, I am too shy and reserved to actually do anything to get their attention... that was my only point.

I can not stand not always being able to say how I really feel because I fear what someone else will say or think. My shyness really holds me back a lot and as a result, I tend to keep a lot of emotions bottled up inside. By NO means, is it something that I am proud of. If being shy could be gotten rid of as simply as just "knocking it off", I would have done it a long time ago. 

Meekness/shyness is part of my personality... theres no changing that. It is something ive been working on all my life.... I'm to the point where I think I just need some type of medication for it. Maybe once I get that somewhat under control, it will be easier for me to do some of these activities that have been mentioned. As of right now, I have too much social anxiety to join any of the groups that have been mentioned... hence, why I turned to the internet... because talking to people on the internet gives me less anxiety.

I do crave a lot of attention/ compliments, and most of the time I get them from people without even trying to... but once I get that, and I see how good it feels, I just want more... Its almost uncontrollable. On the outside, I feel secure with myself... I FEEL that I look good. I do think that on the inside, I don't feel great about myself... as Ive mentioned in previous posts, I feel that I have a lot of negative character traits. Maybe thats why I have so much pride in my looks because I feel that thats the main thing I have going for me... I do agree that I need to work on myself on the inside and then maybe I will not crave the compliments 24/7.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Well, from reading this stuff, I'm just wondering when you'll be posting in CWI.

I don't say that glibly either. My wife liked that attention, too. Cake eating comes in a variety of forms. So, yeah...what you're doing is wrong.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

EnjoliWoman said:


> Kitty, I think you need some counseling to find out why you have such low self esteem that you constantly need validation from strangers and your husband. Neediness is an unattractive trait.
> 
> You should also find out why you need validation from MEN which is why you don't have a lot of real-life female friends.
> 
> ...


Sometimes our harshest critics hold the answer to our deepest afflictions...



> *KittyKatz said*: Thats not to say that just because I dont have a lot of friends, *that I don't have the desire to have any.* The problem is just meeting someone who shares the same interests and has a similar personality as me. Being shy doesn't help either.... because even when I meet someone that I like,* I have a hard time being the one to approach them*.





> Its unfortunate if some of you think so, but I was not purposely trying to give off that impression. I think its ridiculous for someone to think that Im proud of being shy. Really? *I hate being shy..... its the number one thing about myself that I hate the most. If there was a magic pill I could take to stop being shy, I'd take it!* The only reason I mention that I'm shy a lot is just so that people get an accurate idea of what kind of person I am..


I would have to agree a *Low Self esteem *is at play here.. for whatever reason... maybe because you don't fit in with the other woman at work, because you are so very very shy...shyness is different from being Introverted.... Shyness is based on FEAR.

How was it for you getting through high school? Did you have girlfriends then? 




> Overcoming Shyness - Pick the Brain | Motivation and Self Improvement
> 
> Understanding Shyness
> 
> ...





> *Kittykatz said*: I do crave a lot of attention/ compliments, and most of the time I get them from people without even trying to... but once I get that, and I see how good it feels, I just want more... Its almost uncontrollable. On the outside, I feel secure with myself... I FEEL that I look good. I do think that on the inside, I don't feel great about myself... as Ive mentioned in previous posts, I feel that I have a lot of negative character traits. Maybe thats why I have so much pride in my looks because I feel that thats the main thing I have going for me... I do agree that I need to work on myself on the inside and then maybe I will not crave the compliments 24/7.


I read a book on Insecurity once...written by a christian author >> 

So Long, Insecurity: You've Been a Bad Friend to Us: Beth Moore:  ...I was just curious as this is so very common ..it's everywhere in our behaviors... it's roots could be in ANYTHING also ......just growing up without a Mother can cause an insecurity, for instance...being different.....the smallest things can plague us ....the Book started by talking about some of the most beautiful women have the deepest insecurities.. I was a little surprised by this personally... but in it's explaining, it made a lot of sense.....

Beauty/ Looks ...can be here one day, and gone the next... a car accident, cancer/ a shaved head... we need to feel and know our value in ways that supercedes the temporary...Find our *purpose*, how we give back to others....THIS fulfills something within us.... seek our passions.... in this ...others will be drawn to us. 

What DO you enjoy...you interests, hobbys/ gifts ...that if you found a few GF's who shared the same? I think we all feel in our element when we meet up with others of similar interests, do you go to church? 

People of all varieties are out there to meet & befriend. It's GOOD to have this in real life... the internet is no substitute.


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## kittykatz (Feb 22, 2013)

SomedayDig said:


> Well, from reading this stuff, I'm just wondering when you'll be posting in CWI.
> 
> I don't say that glibly either. My wife liked that attention, too. Cake eating comes in a variety of forms. So, yeah...what you're doing is wrong.


I won't be posting in the CWI section because there isn't going to be any infidelity... because I stopped doing what I was doing when my husband expressed his concern. 

I do see now that it was treading on dangerous waters and I do agree that what I DID wasn't the best thing to do, and I agree that this sort of thing does sometimes lead to affairs... but I just want to make it clear that I'm not doing it anymore. Thats my fault, I probably should have mentioned that in my original post.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

kittykatz said:


> Maybe thats why I have so much pride in my looks because I feel that thats the main thing I have going for me...


Pride goeth before the fall. Or something like that.

How exactly do you plan on working on yourself?


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

If you stopped like 5 or 6 months ago, why are you asking about if it's wrong now? Seems like a lot of water under the bridge to me.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

You've been treading on very dangerous territory. Stop the attention-seeking behavior. Open all online accounts, phones, social networks to your husband and share all passwords.

When communicating with the opposite sex, consider what your husband would think or feel.

I went down this path, nearly lost my marriage and scarred my family terribly. 

You've previously posted that you wanted to make your husband jealous. Presumably, this is because you feel he doesn't pay you enough attention.

Sit your husband down. The two of you need to have a clear, honest conversation about what each need, want and expect out of a healthy relationship and work towards fixing that.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

> I was being truthful when I said that I initially went there for conversation. I didnt start going there for compliments until I had been there a few times and saw that I WAS getting compliments and how good it felt... thats when I started to crave more


Yes, but see THIS is the slippery slope. This kind of behavior is pathological and doesn't just go away.

Take GNO's for example. Regret used to do them and initially, they WERE innocent for the gals to go hang together. Until, just noticing a guy glancing across the room made her feel good. Then another time someone talking to her made her feel good. Til she was at a party with our friends (I was flying) and met the xOM and they talked and he made her feel good and then gave her his number.

See...it doesn't JUST go away *poof*. The whole hubby isn't jealous - well, guess what? That was f'ng ME. I was never jealous. Nothing really bugged me cuz she's my wife.

Maybe you broke a link in the chain when you told your husband about the chatting site(s), but the question is: With your continued desire for attention, how long til another chain is formed?


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

SomedayDig said:


> Maybe you broke a link in the chain when you told your husband about the chatting site(s), but the question is: With your still desire for attention, how long til another chain is formed?


not very long.That's what she's getting here from us.Not necessarily the attention she craves but it's some form attention.That's why there's a need to discuss things that happened months ago and why there's a need to create threads about all the coworker issues and the jealousy thread.It's fulfilling the need for conversation and attention.
Being here at least is better than being on the webcam or elsewhere that is loaded with men looking for a sneak peak or EA/PA.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

And on a side note, you obviously feel your husband is coming up short in some ways when it comes to you. You have a serious case of the "He's a great guy, BUT..."

Get thee into therapy before you blow this relationship up from the inside out.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

In my opinion, it's your job to show your husband how much he means to you. It's not his job to tell you how. 

Before you talked to him, you KNEW that it was something that could cause discomfort. You said in your original post that you recognized it and that's why you went to him about it. 

Now, you might subconsciously wish he would "forbid" you, but he sounds like a common-sense guy who trusts that you'll behave like an adult. He doesn't see a need to parent you. What you do is your CHOICE - and you're communicating something to him with whatever you choose to do. 

I get it that you would like to have some friendship and companionship outside of your relationship. No, there's nothing wrong with that! But even though you feel like you've been able to draw boundaries with these men, it's also important for you to recognize that those men are on those sites for one purpose - to chat up women. It'd be like going to a strip club in the hopes of making women friends. So while your intentions are not wrong, your judgment about how to go about doing it is... questionable. 

Are there other sites that are maybe geared toward women? Or perhaps a hobby site that has chat, where you can meet people who are there because of a shared interest instead of wanting to get to know people - parenting sites for parents is an example. Or you can use a site like this one maybe. Another option would be to take steps to meet people in real life. Start by smiling at people you might like to approach. A smile invites them to come up to you.

The last thing I'll mention is that your relationship might benefit from learning about the love languages. It sounds like you're feeling a bit blue because you've been missing those compliments. If you and your husband learned about the love languages, it might be a pretty simple matter to get your relationship to a point where you're not feeling like you're missing out. 

The Five Languages of Love


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Kitty, your needs are what they are. If you need a lot of attention, tell your husband and seek it from him. If you need female friends, first you must BE a female friend. How do you define friendship, what traits does a good friend have? Seek to be that and friends will materialize.

Get involved in real life, volunteer, find a hobby or a cause, take a class, learn to paint. Inventing and inviting drama will cause nothing but heart ache for everyone involved.


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## kittykatz (Feb 22, 2013)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Sometimes our harshest critics hold the answer to our deepest afflictions...
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I actually was home schooled through the majority of high school. I went to a regular school up until about 7th grade. I started going through a rough time around this period. I was best friends with a girl who was into all kinds of things... smoking, drinking, boys, etc... and unfortunately, I let her have somewhat of an influence over me. I started doing bad in school because I was distracted by her and other things, so my parents decided to pull me out and start homeschooling me so I could pull up my grades without having any distractions. It did work. My grades did change significantly.... I did great with homeschooling as far as learning and making good grades go. However, I think it made me much more withdrawn because I missed out on having a social life, and I was already somewhat like that to begin with. 

For the first year or so that I was homeschooled, my mom was so fed up with all the trouble I'd been into, she wouldn't allow me to see my friend anymore, or even let me talk to anyone on the phone... not just to my friend, but to anyone. I was completely isolated. The thing that really set my parents off was when my friend told a boy where I lived.... it was actually her ex boyfriend. He was 16, I was 13.... he was on his way to his friend's house, who just so happened to be my neighbor. So he saw his friend, and then on his way out, he pulled up in front of my house. I went outside and started talking to him.... I never once got in his car or went anywhere with him. All we did was talk.... my parents saw us talking and pretty much went off the deep end. I am from a very small town in the south and unfortunately a lot of people here are racist.... my parents are kind of racist themselves. The main reason I think they made such a big deal about it is because he was black. They said the age was an issue too but I dont think that bothered them nearly as much as his race. So, since this was my best friends ex and shes the one that tried to get me involved with him, they looked at it as "well if she wasn't friends with HER, then this wouldnt have happened." so they pulled me out of school and made me discontinue the friendship.... but it wasnt just her that I couldnt be friends with. They literally took away my phone, I couldnt get on the computer anymore, wouldn't let me stay at the house by myself anymore, they watched me constantly. This lasted for about a year... finally I pulled my grades up through the homeschooling and seemed to be doing good... so my mom gave me some of my privileges back. She told me I could contact some of my old friends as long as I didn't contact this one particular girl. I did eventually get in touch with some of my old friends but I ended up not talking to them for long. They were still in school and were busy with doing other activities.... it just wasn't the same being home schooled and trying to have friends. And after the bad reputation that I had given myself by hanging around with the wrong people, most girls parents didnt even want them to be friends with me anymore.

I finally quit homeschooling and went to a private school for my senior year of high school..... there were a couple of girls in my class that I got along with... but I wouldnt really call them "friends". We didnt really do anything outside of school. They never asked me to hang out with them much, other than maybe one or two times. By this point, I had been isolated for so long, my shyness seemed to be even worse.... I remember I always dreaded having to do any oral presentations in front of the class. Sometimes Id even refuse and risk taking a bad grade. So, to sum it up, I dont have any friends from school.

I dont go to church but my husband does.... church is sometimes a good way for people to make friends.... and I know he'd love for me to go with him. I sometimes want to go too... but I find that my social anxiety holds me back yet again. I want to go and meet new people and form new realtionships but at the same time, it makes me very nervous. I get nervous just thinking about when they do the greeting portion of the service and you have to shake hands with people and say hello.

Id love to be involved in some of these activities but I dont think its going to happen until I can work up enough courage to force myself into social situations. I have done it in the past but its something that doesnt come easy for me.

Im not sure why I am so shy.... maybe it was something that happened in childhood. I don't remember any specific thing. I know that my parents have both always been very reserved and quiet... so I think a lot of it is genetics. Some of it is also the fact that my parents sheltered me and were overly protective of me the majority of my childhood and teen years.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

kittykatz said:


> but I find that my social anxiety holds me back yet again. I want to go and meet new people and form new realtionships but at the same time, it makes me very nervous. I get nervous just thinking about when they do the greeting portion of the service and you have to shake hands with people and say hello.


I have really bad social anxiety.It's not anywhere near as severe as it used to be. It got to the point where I had to have my SO with me to even go to the grocery store or I'd sit in my car shaking and afraid to get out.
How were you able to webcam with people? The very thought would have paralyzed me with apprehension a short time ago.


The first step I took to help with the SA was doing dog rescue.I connected with rescues online,did all discussions and preparations via email bc I couldn't even talk on the phone socially without having a panic attack.I started small doing pick up and transport for dogs needing to be brought to the vet or to their new fosters. It REALLY helped me. Maybe you can try something like that if you like animals?


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Kitty, how did you meet your husband?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Are you in therapy to deal with your social anxiety? You should be.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

This doesn't sound like SAD to me - this is the definition:

Social anxiety disorder, also known as social phobia, involves intense fear of certain social situations—especially *situations that are unfamiliar or in which you feel you’ll be watched* or evaluated by others.

By very definition - using a webcam, you will be watched and evaluated by others.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

It's more likely just Toxic Shame.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

TCSRedhead said:


> Sit your husband down. The two of you need to have a clear, honest conversation about what each need, want and expect out of a healthy relationship and work towards fixing that.


I also guess she may have *Words of Affirmation* (5 Love Languages) and "*Admiration*" (one of the 10 core emotional needs (in "*His Needs/ Her Needs*") reaching at the top of what fulfills her as a wife....her husband needs to understand this... as these may be on his lower end ..... and he just is not getting the message... 

I recall another poster on here with this dilemma, she got chewed up pretty bad for being needy.. .but I am sure it was from those who have these wants/ desires on the lower rung of what makes them  personally feel loved...

As we're all unique... some feel especially loved when the husband helps around the house (that wouldn't do diddly for me)... and some of us crave the touchy feely (that's what makes ME feel loved!!!)

We're all different ..it's important to know what makes our spouse tick....or "MEOOOWWW" for that matter.. 



> *Anon Pink said*: Kitty, your needs are what they are. If you need a lot of attention, tell your husband and seek it from him. *If you need female friends, first you must BE a female friend.* How do you define friendship, what traits does a good friend have? Seek to be that and friends will materialize.
> 
> Get involved in real life, volunteer, find a hobby or a cause, take a class, learn to paint. Inventing and inviting drama will cause nothing but heart ache for everyone involved.


 Good advice ... Here is one of the greatest books ever written to help one master friendships and just getting along with others in a healthy balanced fashion, pure wisdom on every level. ... I have an outline on this somewhere on another thread .... I may post it if I can find it - soon. >>

How to Win Friends & Influence People: Dale Carnegie: Books


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Here it is .... This will help you BE that friend...in order to MAKE friends... 







How to Win Friends & Influence People: 







... talks about 



> The ability to express ideas, to assume leadership, and to arouse enthusiasm among people.... He teaches these skills through underlying principles of dealing with people so that they feel important and appreciated. He also emphasizes fundamental techniques for handling people without making them feel manipulated.





> His advice is so obvious and so easy, so how come it's so difficult to do yourself and so rarely found in others? Is it cynicism or manipulation? No, it's human nature:
> 
> *Do Unto Others ...THE FUNDAMENTALS*
> 
> ...


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## kittykatz (Feb 22, 2013)

There is no doubt in my mind that I have social anxiety disorder. I also don't usually go into the grocery store by myself... I almost always have my husband go with me. If I ever do go alone, which is rare, I always make sure to go to the self checkout line so that I don't have to have any social interaction with the clerk. I never go to drive thrus, I always have my husband be the one to place the order. I used to have to make him order for me when we would go out to a restaurant together and have just recently started ordering for myself. Still think I don't have social anxiety? I do. I could go on and on about things that I avoid because they make me nervous... these are just a couple. I was very nervous when I first got on the webcam, it was no walk in the park by any means. I was shakey, nervous, but after a while of talking to someone, I usually got comfortable with them. I was extremely nervous though. An animal rescue group could possibly be an option for me sinc i do enjoy animals. Scarlet is somewhat correct... I do often create threads on here for conversation... even if its something that has already happened and is over. I still like to discuss it and just talk to someone about it. As she said, I find this to be a much more suitable environment to have a conversation than that chatting site.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

kittykatz said:


> I did great with homeschooling as far as learning and making good grades go. However, I think it made me much more withdrawn because I missed out on having a social life, and I was already somewhat like that to begin with.


 Yeah... I think that social interaction is very important for growth even if you get bullied a little... I don't know.. I used to be mortified to have to stand in front of the class to do a speech but after I DID It... I thought to myself... "that wasn't so darn bad"- I survived, didn't pee my pants up there, or stammer...... sometimes you have to *feel the fear and just DO it anyway*! Muster the courage... like you have no choice, it's just a walk in life.. I remember someone telling me to just imagine your audience is all naked.. I did entertain these thoughts... 

I know , I know...easy to say..



> Im not sure why I am so shy.... maybe it was something that happened in childhood. I don't remember any specific thing. I know that my parents have both always been very reserved and quiet... so I think a lot of it is *genetics*. Some of it is also *the fact that my parents sheltered me and were overly protective of me the majority of my childhood and teen years.*


You have a double whammy here... with the genetics and the over protection, sheltering childhood.

Here is a social anxiety forum - discussing Toxic Shame >> A lot of useful information here ...

The Toxic Shame thread - Social Anxiety Forum


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Here is a Social Anxiety test online to give you some idea where you are ....moderate to severe in social phobia >> 

Liebowitz Social Anxiety Scale Test 

Social Anxiety Fact Sheet


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## Soifon (Oct 5, 2012)

kittykatz said:


> There is no doubt in my mind that I have social anxiety disorder. I also don't usually go into the grocery store by myself... I almost always have my husband go with me. If I ever do go alone, which is rare, I always make sure to go to the self checkout line so that I don't have to have any social interaction with the clerk. I never go to drive thrus, I always have my husband be the one to place the order. I used to have to make him order for me when we would go out to a restaurant together and have just recently started ordering for myself. Still think I don't have social anxiety? I do. I could go on and on about things that I avoid because they make me nervous... these are just a couple. I was very nervous when I first got on the webcam, it was no walk in the park by any means. I was shakey, nervous, but after a while of talking to someone, I usually got comfortable with them. I was extremely nervous though. An animal rescue group could possibly be an option for me sinc i do enjoy animals. Scarlet is somewhat correct... I do often create threads on here for conversation... even if its something that has already happened and is over. I still like to discuss it and just talk to someone about it. As she said, I find this to be a much more suitable environment to have a conversation than that chatting site.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:bsflag: And you are a waitress? Give me a break.


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## kittykatz (Feb 22, 2013)

Soifon said:


> :bsflag: And you are a waitress? Give me a break.


 I am not a waitress. My dads restaurant probably isn't the type of restaurant that you have in mind. Its not a sit down restaurant. Its very small. People come up to the window, place their order, then we give them a number. When the food is ready, we call out the number and they come pick it up. They either eat in their car or they can eat at the picnic area outside. Its nothing fancy, just a small bbq place. The job that I do deals with preparing food... that's it. I have no contact with customers whatsoever. The person who has the most conact with customers is the one responsible for running the cash register. I used to run the cash register but I stopped because I couldn't stand having to deal with people. There is really no trying to convince me that I don't have social anxiety. I avoid pretty much anything in life that involves social interaction. As I said, the internet is my way of talking to people... because its so extremely difficult for me to do in person. I need to be on some type of medication for it in all honesty.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

This is just my opinion, but if you put half the effort that you spend making/answering posts on this website, and redirected at your husband, you'd probably have a better marriage. I'm not trying to be mean with that comment, but I bet your husband would love to know more about whats going on in your head, than the 100's of people responding to the posts.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Still sounds more like Toxic Shame. Which parallels the symptoms of SAD. 

Example. I wanted to take some clothes to a resale shop; drove by 3 times before I pushed myself to go in, as it was a small place and I'd be the only other person in there, and I KNOW she'll be judging me. Sure enough, she told me my clothes weren't good enough, but I left 3 items there anyway. I was so mortified that I never went back to get my money, out of not wanting to face her again.


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## kittykatz (Feb 22, 2013)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Here is a Social Anxiety test online to give you some idea where you are ....moderate to severe in social phobia >>
> 
> Liebowitz Social Anxiety Scale Test
> 
> Social Anxiety Fact Sheet


 thanks I will check that out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kittykatz (Feb 22, 2013)

I scored 103 on that quiz which it says is severe social anxiety. My husband and I met online... otherwise we probably wouldn't even be together because I wouldn't have had the confidence to ever approach him in a romantic way... he is also on the shy side, although not as shy as me... so if it weren't for the internet I doubt either one of us would have had the confidence to approach each other. My husband alreadys know about my social anxiety.... hes even suggested I get on medication which I eventually will have to do probably... I've just been hoping I could fix it on my own. He even acts like he feels bad for telling me that he doesn't want for me to chat with people online because he knows this is the most social interaction that im able to get... but I completely understand him and he has every right to feel the way he does. I can chat with people by other means than a webcam site full of primarily men who are only there for one thing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Kittykatz, You can PM me as well if you ever need to chat. I am very shy as well, and have few friends, as I am pretty introverted. I would be happy to give you my email address as well if you would like.


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

Kittykatz

I sympathise with you as I was very shy when younger. If it helps at all, it does seem to be something which gets less of a problem with time. Sometimes it's good to get older!

You have already had some very good advice from others about ways to work on this. Just one thought I would add is that, if you try small steps at a time, it will probably be easier. Ask yourself what you would find difficult in terms of being sociable but just about feasible and give it a go.

One of the things which helped me was (apart from meeting my wife) making one really good friend. Then I met his other friends and it became a network. That just happened, partly by chance but also because I met someone who was pretty much on the same wavelength, shared interests with me.

We first met because I took up rowing as a sport to get out and meet people at college.

Good luck!


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

See. This is why I hate modern pharmaceutical companies. Ohhh...we have a medication for you. It'll fix you.

Just GO ASK YOUR DOCTOR.

Next thing ya know, we got so many people f'd up believing that they "have" the symptoms. Big corporations LOVE this stuff cuz we WANT to be sick. We WANT to have a reason for feeling the way we do cuz we don't WANT to face reality...

And reality is that if we simply sat down and took an honest look at ourselves, we could have almost every f'ng answer to every f'ng question we ask while saying "WHY MEEEEE???"

Truth is, this kind of crap 100000000% minimizes people who actually HAVE a severe disorder and need help. 

Wanna get over your "social anxiety"? Go look in the mirror and say, "Today, I'm going to go meet someone new." Then, get off your behind and go do it.

Unless you're quaking in fear and homebound...you do not have "severe social anxiety". Especially with all the camming you did and all the attention you seek.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

If you truly believe you have a disorder, seek out help to fix it. They'll work with you to help you overcome it via therapy. 

Pharmaceuticals won't fix it only mask it.

I have a healthy dose of skepticism for someone who states they have social anxiety have been webcamming with a bunch of men.


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## kittykatz (Feb 22, 2013)

SomedayDig said:


> See. This is why I hate modern pharmaceutical companies. Ohhh...we have a medication for you. It'll fix you.
> 
> Just GO ASK YOUR DOCTOR.
> 
> ...


 I was saying that I have severe social anxiety according to the online test I just took. I answered all the questions truthfully and it says I have severe social anxiety according to the test. The rudeness of your post was quite unecessary. Why do you think I haven't gone on meds yet? Because im doing all I can to avoid it. My husband isn't big on medication either but a couple years ago he took something for depression and it actually helped him. Im not saying there aren't people out there who have it worse than I do... I never said that. I am saying that I do have some form of social anxiety... and I do feel that my anxiety is worse than the average persons. I think you are minimizing ME by suggesting the answer to getting over my fears is to just decide im going to go meet someone new and go do it. It is NOT that easy for me. I don't think the fact that I got on a webcam for a few guys that I will never see again in my life determines that I don't have social anxiety. Again, I was very nervous... and I didn't even turn on the sound. They could see me but couldn't hear my voice. I was too shy to verbally talk with them which is why I chose to type to them instead. You're looking at one thing that I've done without knowing all the daily struggles I go through with this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

kittykatz said:


> I was saying that I have severe social anxiety according to the online test I just took. I answered all the questions truthfully and it says I have severe social anxiety according to the test. The rudeness of your post was quite unecessary. Why do you think I haven't gone on meds yet? Because im doing all I can to avoid it. My husband isn't big on medication either but a couple years ago he took something for depression and it actually helped him. Im not saying there aren't people out there who have it worse than I do... I never said that. I am saying that I do have some form of social anxiety... and I do feel that my anxiety is worse than the average persons.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Kitty - an online test is NOT a diagnosis. It is an indicator that you MAY have a disorder.

If you feel you may have this, go seek some professional help. This will show that you really do have a desire to heal yourself.


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## kittykatz (Feb 22, 2013)

TCSRedhead said:


> Kitty - an online test is NOT a diagnosis. It is an indicator that you MAY have a disorder.
> 
> If you feel you may have this, go seek some professional help. This will show that you really do have a desire to heal yourself.


I never said it was a diagnosis. I was simply stating the results of the test and got a rude response. I do plan on seeking help.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anja (Mar 12, 2013)

Quite honestly, it's peoe like you that give homeschooling a bad rep. If you truly have this disorder, being home, away from peoe would have helped you, not made your disorder worse. You woe have preferred to be home. No way could you have had the guts to get involved with the popular but bad for you girl, who was into everything bad.
You contradict yourself. You have lost my interest and support. Good luck!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

I thought people flirted with you at work all the time and gave you their phone numbers? Now you say you have no contact with people at work? 

I think you're exaggerating your shy tendencies into a full blown disorder for sympathy and attention.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

kittykatz said:


> I was saying that I have severe social anxiety according to the online test I just took. I answered all the questions truthfully and it says I have severe social anxiety according to the test. The rudeness of your post was quite unecessary. Why do you think I haven't gone on meds yet? Because im doing all I can to avoid it. My husband isn't big on medication either but a couple years ago he took something for depression and it actually helped him. Im not saying there aren't people out there who have it worse than I do... I never said that. I am saying that I do have some form of social anxiety... and I do feel that my anxiety is worse than the average persons. I think you are minimizing ME by suggesting the answer to getting over my fears is to just decide im going to go meet someone new and go do it. It is NOT that easy for me. I don't think the fact that I got on a webcam for a few guys that I will never see again in my life determines that I don't have social anxiety. Again, I was very nervous... and I didn't even turn on the sound. They could see me but couldn't hear my voice. I was too shy to verbally talk with them which is why I chose to type to them instead. You're looking at one thing that I've done without knowing all the daily struggles I go through with this.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



You've presented a myriad of issues in a myriad of threads. I'm not just "looking at one thing". YOU have presented yourself to the forum, we didn't come seeking you to figure out if "Was this wrong of me to do?"

Is my response rude or does it hurt when someone doesn't go along with your ideals?


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

kittykatz said:


> I never said it was a diagnosis. I was simply stating the results of the test and got a rude response. I do plan on seeking help.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


But the question on everyone's minds is WHY you didn't talk to your doctor about this already? You and your husband both, you said, believe you have this disorder. So why hasn't it been brought up with your physician, at the very least, so you can get direction? It doesn't ALWAYS mean you will get medicated. Often, the first course of action is behavior modification type activities. So... why haven't you talked to your doctor already? :scratchhead:


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

*HOW DID YOU MEET YOUR HUSBAND??? *

I'm wondering with your feelings of social anxiety how you managed it.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> *HOW DID YOU MEET YOUR HUSBAND??? *
> 
> I'm wondering with your feelings of social anxiety how you managed it.


She said she met him online
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> *HOW DID YOU MEET YOUR HUSBAND??? *
> 
> I'm wondering with your feelings of social anxiety how you managed it.


She said somewhere she met him online.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Great, minds, Scarlett. Great minds.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Also KK,if you aren't big on doctors you can practice doing meditation before you go out somewhere. You can even meditate in your car before you get out if you start to feel panicky or anxious. 

If your anxiety is anything like mine,it was conversation focused. I get so twisted up when trying to talk to people! The most helpful thing for that is to ask people questions about themselves if you ask the right question,they'll do all the talking for you

There are tons of awesome support sites for SA but you have to be careful bc a lot of them tend to wallow in their issues without doing much to improve things. It can really bring you down and make you feel worse.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Thanks!! I missed it completely.

She met him online?? Wait. Hold the phone. 

You wanted to know if your chatting up strangers online wasn't a good idea or if you were wrong....

I can put two and two together, and I'm sure your husband could too. You're looking like a person who's trolling for his replacement, no matter how innocent you try to sell it. I mean you met him that way... why keep going back to the well?


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> Great, minds, Scarlett. Great minds.



_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## T&T (Nov 16, 2012)

ScarletBegonias said:


> She said she met him online


True, but at some point had to meet him in REAL life. I would think so anyways... :rofl:


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## kittykatz (Feb 22, 2013)

I am not exaggerating my shyness! I don't know how some of you feel you can make that type of judgement without even meeting me or seeing what I go through. I never said I never under any circumstances have contact with customers at work. 90% of the time I do not.... 90% of the time I deal with food and not customers. The only time I've been given phone numbers have been when guys have came up to the window and directly called me over to them. Im not going to argue about it anymore. I know I have social anxiety and I know I need help. I didn't mean for this thread to go in this direction... but im just going to stop because it isn't making me feel any better about myself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Well...then, since you KNOW you have this issue, I would stop posting here and go straight to Physical - Mental Health Issues on TAM

Sorry you don't want to take advice here, but if you go there and do the same, you will probably be setting yourself up for much of the same.

At times we are our own worst enemy. This would appear to be one of those times.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Kitty... my questions weren't meant to be taken that way. I seriously don't understand why you haven't spoken to your doctor about this sooner, since you and your husband have both recognized these symptoms. Your doctor can point you to alternatives such as meditation, as SB suggested.


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## kittykatz (Feb 22, 2013)

T&T said:


> True, but at some point had to meet him in REAL life. I would think so anyways... :rofl:


Wow... just wow. Of course I was comfortable enough to meet him in real life eventually... we had been talking online everyday for close to a year.... and I was still nervous about meeting him. I don't know why some of you are so determined to disprove the fact that I have social anxiety. Like its something I enjoy having... I just don't get it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kittykatz (Feb 22, 2013)

Maricha75 said:


> Kitty... my questions weren't meant to be taken that way. I seriously don't understand why you haven't spoken to your doctor about this sooner, since you and your husband have both recognized these symptoms. Your doctor can point you to alternatives such as meditation, as SB suggested.


I want to see a doctor but things as simple as calling and making an appointment are a big deal to me... and it makes me feel incompetent when I have to ask my husband to do things for me that I should be able to do on my own.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

Oh well.

You've got some insecurities and hon, you're a little manipulative. 

You learn by how people tell their stories. You didn't give the name of the chat site and that's an important clue about wanting to control the impression we have over it by your description as opposed to knowing the site ourselves. 

If the name of the site is "show yer nakkid booty" vs. "gardening discussion forum" then we know what's going on. The vehement repeated denials about what you were NOT there for is always a red flag. 

People can give positive explanations for why they are doing something like "I wanted to get laid by librarians so I went to the librarian sex site". Or they can spend all their time denying why they went to a site. It is the person doing all the denying that is signaling they are trying to hide something: I am not there for sex, I am not there for sex, I am not there for sex... 

I don't say this to be overly critical but rather just get to the real issues. You wanted male attention. Your explanation to the husband about the nature of the site was most likely minimization, just like it has been with us. That's what is wrong about it. 

If it was something strictly to get over social anxiety you would have told your husband in advance. Hey honey, I have a great idea. I'm going on this chat website to get over my anxiety.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

kittykatz said:


> This is long but I just want to be sure to give all the details in order to get accurate answers. Let me start off by saying this. I am not a very sociable person. I mostly keep to myself. I have very few friends and typically others have to approach ME instead of me approaching them. Most of the people that I work with and see on a daily basis are not the type of people that Id want to associate myself with. I just don't really "click" with any of them. I feel like we have nothing in common. I've made one genuine friend at work, and she doesn't even work there anymore. Since she quit and got a different job, we rarely see each other now. Thats not to say that just because I dont have a lot of friends, that I don't have the desire to have any. The problem is just meeting someone who shares the same interests and has a similar personality as me. Being shy doesn't help either.... because even when I meet someone that I like, I have a hard time being the one to approach them.
> 
> Anyway, I think its safe to say that the person I spend the most time with and talk to the most is my husband. I absolutely love my husband and love having him as my best friend... but sometimes I just need someone else to talk to.
> 
> ...


I'm looking through your original post and see absolutely nothing refering to social anxiety issues. Why are YOU the one pushing it that way? Start another thread in the Mental Health section. This thread...you asked a question and have been presented with answers - none of which you seem to like. For once...I am baffled.


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## T&T (Nov 16, 2012)

kittykatz said:


> Wow... just wow. Of course I was comfortable enough to meet him in real life eventually... we had been talking online everyday for close to a year.... and I was still nervous about meeting him.* I don't know why some of you are so determined to disprove the fact that I have social anxiety. Like its something I enjoy having... I just don't get it.*


I wasn't poking fun at your social anxiety. I know plenty about that.

I was trying to be funny, because you haven't told anyone how you met him in real life, after the internet thing...

Restaurant? Bar? Church?


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

They met online. But it would be good to know how specifically. 

and tell us the name of the webcam chatting site.


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## kittykatz (Feb 22, 2013)

We met up at the beach. The name of the chat site was called chat roulette. There was nothing in the title of the website that would lead me to believe that it was going to be full of hairy fat men wacking off. I was not intentionally trying to hide the name of the site.. all you had to do was ask.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kittykatz (Feb 22, 2013)

Husband and I met on an online game... it was not a chat site or a dating site. It was just an online game that we both happened to be playing and we started talking to each other. It was called runescape. Seems silly... I know.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

kittykatz said:


> I won't be posting in the CWI section because there isn't going to be any infidelity... because I stopped doing what I was doing when my husband expressed his concern.
> 
> I do see now that it was treading on dangerous waters and I do agree that what I DID wasn't the best thing to do, and I agree that this sort of thing does sometimes lead to affairs... but I just want to make it clear that I'm not doing it anymore. Thats my fault, I probably should have mentioned that in my original post.


I haven't read the whole post, so I apologize if this has already been said or is no longer relevant. 

I understand the need for admiration. Admiration is my number one emotional need. I feel undesirable without it. Having that need isn't wrong. It _is_ wrong to look for ways to meet that need outside of your marriage. If your husband doesn't meet that need for you, then you need to figure out how to express the importance of that need to your husband. 

See, there's a difference between "I need my husband's admiration" and "I don't care where it comes from, I'm going to get this need met". The latter is what caused affairs to happen, and it exactly what sent you to an online chat place that, you quickly saw, was mostly men, and then kept you coming back for more. 

It's one thing if a total stranger compliments you in the store. It's an entirely different thing to go _looking_ for compliments from other men. Which is exactly what you did, even though you say it's not. Sorry. I don't buy it. If you weren't there for attention from men, you would have left the website when you saw it was mostly men. 

I've never sought admiration or compliments from other men, even when my husband didn't compliment me. I'd rather just go without than risk my marriage with the man I love. And the excuse that you're "too shy"? Don't buy that either. People who are genuinely too shy to talk to people IRL don't suddenly get the courage to talk to strangers over a webcam. 

I agree with what Enjoli said...you need counseling.


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

kittykatz said:


> There is no doubt in my mind that I have social anxiety disorder. I also don't usually go into the grocery store by myself... I almost always have my husband go with me. If I ever do go alone, which is rare, I always make sure to go to the self checkout line so that I don't have to have any social interaction with the clerk. I never go to drive thrus, I always have my husband be the one to place the order. I used to have to make him order for me when we would go out to a restaurant together and have just recently started ordering for myself. Still think I don't have social anxiety? I do. I could go on and on about things that I avoid because they make me nervous... these are just a couple. I was very nervous when I first got on the webcam, it was no walk in the park by any means. I was shakey, nervous, but after a while of talking to someone, I usually got comfortable with them. I was extremely nervous though. An animal rescue group could possibly be an option for me sinc i do enjoy animals. Scarlet is somewhat correct... I do often create threads on here for conversation... even if its something that has already happened and is over. I still like to discuss it and just talk to someone about it. As she said, I find this to be a much more suitable environment to have a conversation than that chatting site.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You can't order your own food at a drive thru, something that takes minutes, but you'll actively seek out meeting people on a webcam? 

:scratchhead:


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

Lyris said:


> I thought people flirted with you at work all the time and gave you their phone numbers? Now you say you have no contact with people at work?
> 
> I think you're exaggerating your shy tendencies into a full blown disorder for sympathy and attention.


QFT.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

kittykatz said:


> The name of the chat site was called chat roulette. There was nothing in the title of the website that would lead me to believe that it was going to be full of hairy fat men wacking off. I was not intentionally trying to hide the name of the site.. all you had to do was ask.


Heh. It was my fault you didn't put the name of the site in a discussion about the site. 

Actually, you didn't say a thing about what information you had about the site before trying it, but whoever told you about it would have given you a description of it. So there is another amazing coincidence, that you mentioned nothing about what you were told. Not the name, not what you were told, but instead all this defensiveness about what you were NOT there for.

I've been trained to look for that. I am not asking a question about it. I am telling you. In conjunction with shading your stories about work cohorts and whatnot - you are manipulative in the way you present things. 

Here is a New York Times Review:

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/02/21/weekinreview/21bilton.html?_r=0

On the first and second experiments they saw naked people. You apparently saw naked people. Seeing naked people is something that is apparently a pretty defining feature of this site in terms of an expectation. 

You might also have a pleasant chat with someone from Napa Valley about wines. So anything can happen. 

Who knows what you told your husband.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

I'm sorry Kittykatz if I was too harsh for you, but trying to help you is like trying to catch a muddy pig while wearing olive oil gloves, it's pretty damn slippery and just when you think you got it, it slips away to somewhere else.

Do I believe you're shy and possibly suffer from anxiety. Yes. But I think your issues go deeper. I'm sorry but you should see a psychiatrist. I'm not saying that to be mean. You're not going to get the level of help you need from an online forum. We can point you in directions. We can give you insight. We can even see through the "fog", but we can't catch the muddy pig while wearing olive oil gloves. You keep bouncing from one issue to another. 

This thread has gone from "was I wrong for going on a chat site that, although he didn't say it, I know my husband didn't like. I know it's not a healthy place to be, but I want to be there anyway (and I quote) "*but sometimes I just need someone else to talk to*". To having EXTREME social anxiety where you can't even call a doctor to make an appointment.......

Obviously you're looking for help for SOMETHING, here's something to try. Don't over type it. Don't over think it. When you look at yourself and/or your marriage. What's wrong? Just give us ONE sentence. We can build from there.


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## belleoftheball (May 16, 2013)

Well I asked my hubs about this earlier and brought it up to him. He said as long as it is kept clean and no flirtation is involved than there is no harm in it. It is when it goes beyond that when it gets harmful. We all have needs. I understand where you are coming from like I said before and we all need someone besides our spouse to talk to and vent on from time to time.


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## Soifon (Oct 5, 2012)

SomedayDig said:


> I'm looking through your original post and see absolutely nothing refering to social anxiety issues. Why are YOU the one pushing it that way? Start another thread in the Mental Health section. This thread...you asked a question and have been presented with answers - none of which you seem to like. For once...I am baffled.


The reason you don't see anything about her "social anxiety" is because, I would bet my life, that she has never thought it before someone in this thread mentioned it. Then she latched on to it. People are so desperate to be different, to have something unique, to have a label, and most importantly to get sympathy and have people talking about them. She LOVES this. She LOVES all of these replies, mean or not. Why? Because it is ALL ABOUT HER! Which is exactly what she wants. ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME...LETS ALL TALK ABOUT ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This need for everyone to be focused on her is reminding me of how Jodi Arias' attitude comes across in her trial. Just completely self absorbed. 

I wonder if you have ever posted a response to anyone elses thread where you haven't brought up yourself? Maybe focus on other people for once. Your life would be more fulfilling if you found a balance that wasn't heavily focused on you. I think you are too young to be married or even on the internet in all honesty.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Soifon said:


> This need for everyone to be focused on her is reminding me of how Jodi Arias' attitude comes across in her trial. Just completely self absorbed.


It's spooky and eerie that I thought this very thing yesterday afternoon about this thread.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

dragonlady4ever said:


> Well I asked my hubs about this earlier and brought it up to him. He said as long as it is kept clean and no flirtation is involved than there is no harm in it. It is when it goes beyond that when it gets harmful. We all have needs. I understand where you are coming from like I said before and we all need someone besides our spouse to talk to and vent on from time to time.


Are you talking about chatting online with other men? Really?? Your husband said that? 

Either he's glad you're getting involved with it because he a little suspect too or someone needs to take away his man card
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

dragonlady4ever said:


> Well I asked my hubs about this earlier and brought it up to him. He said as long as it is kept clean and no flirtation is involved than there is no harm in it. It is when it goes beyond that when it gets harmful. We all have needs. *I understand where you are coming from like I said before and we all need someone besides our spouse to talk to and vent on from time to time.*


A friend of the marriage is probably the best place to do this. Anonymous dudes jacking it while you drone on about your marriage...not so much.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

dragonlady4ever said:


> We all have needs.


NO need should be met by a person of the opposite sex, if you are married.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

committed4ever said:


> Are you talking about chatting online with other men? Really?? Your husband said that?
> 
> Either he's glad you're getting involved with it because he a little suspect too or someone needs to take away his man card
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 That was my thought - that he's doing it, too (or wants to) - but I didn't want to say it without knowing your story.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

KittyKat, the degree of social anxiety you've described does sound extreme. You said you previously worked as a cashier but stopped because you disliked the personal interaction. 

What was it about those interactions that was so uncomfortable for you?


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## kittykatz (Feb 22, 2013)

KathyBatesel said:


> KittyKat, the degree of social anxiety you've described does sound extreme. You said you previously worked as a cashier but stopped because you disliked the personal interaction.
> 
> What was it about those interactions that was so uncomfortable for you?


Most of the time, I could handle it fine... I'd write down orders, tell the person their total, give them their change and tell them "thank you"... but sometimes there would be those certain customers who wanted to chat up a storm with me. I don't know what to say in situations like that... I just freeze up. Even something as simple as small talk, my mind just goes blank... then its awkward because I'm just standing there silent, not knowing what to say. I also get especially nervous when I have to talk to guys, specifically, guys that are attractive.... Now I dont want anyone saying anything about me thinking that other guys are attractive. Just because you get married doesnt mean you go blind to the world and suddenly stop thinking everyone else is attractive. I see guys that I think are nice looking, just like I'm sure my husband sees women that are too... nothing wrong with that. Another type of customer that makes me especially nervous are the ones who would come to ME complaining that their order wasn't right or wasn't cooked the way they wanted it... Some of them could be quite hateful about it and I just don't know how to handle it when someone approaches me like that. So I decided that its better for me to just stop doing the cash register and to just have a job dealing directly with the food instead of the customers... and thats what I did.

There are times when I might have to answer the phone to take a call-in order, although this is rare... but other than that, I usually have no contact with customers unless they specifically ask to speak to me. This is what happens in the case of guys giving me their phone numbers. The business is very small, as I said, and the customers can see pretty much everyone that works in there and what they're doing.... So sometimes a guy will see me, and then he will come up and try to get my attention, then he gives me his number... I don't know why some people are so confused by that. Just because my specific job doesn't directly require contact with the customers does not mean that the customers can't still approach me if they want to.

It may seem odd that its such a big deal to me to make phone calls, go to a drive thru, etc... and be able to get on a webcam for people.... maybe it doesn't make sense. But its true.... I dont know how to explain it. I am afraid to do all of those things, and yes I did get on a webcam. Those are facts. But again, since noone seemed to have heard me the first time I said it, I was VERY nervous when I was on camera. I kept the sound off because I was too shy to have anyone hear my voice, I was not bubbly and smiling and laughing the whole time... most of the time I was just sitting there frozen stiff with a blank face because I didn't know how to act. I was nervous about getting on camera BUT for some reason I pushed myself to do it. Thats the difference between me and some people with more severe social anxiety. Lots of things make me nervous but if I want to do them bad enough, I can usually force myself into doing them. It just usually takes me a while because I have to build up the courage to do things like that. I know there are people who have it worse than I do.... some people lock themselves inside their house and never leave or never talk to anyone... I get that, and I never insinuated that there aren't people out there who have it worse than me. But I do know that I have social anxiety to some degree... worse than most people. You could ask any of my family members or anyone that I know and they'd tell you that. Anyone who thinks Im just making it up for "attention" obviously has never met me.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

kitty - whether we believe it, think it or otherwise is unimportant. If you believe you have a disorder, you should seek out treatment in order to improve your life.


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## kittykatz (Feb 22, 2013)

Wiserforit said:


> Heh. It was my fault you didn't put the name of the site in a discussion about the site.
> 
> Actually, you didn't say a thing about what information you had about the site before trying it, but whoever told you about it would have given you a description of it. So there is another amazing coincidence, that you mentioned nothing about what you were told. Not the name, not what you were told, but instead all this defensiveness about what you were NOT there for.
> 
> ...


I apologize if I seem manipulative, but if it gives you any comfort, I don't try to be that way on purpose.

I told my husband nothing but the absolute truth and the whole truth. I didn't have to tell him about it at all, you do realize that don't you? He would have never found out. So if I was going to lie to him or leave out parts of the story, why not just NOT tell him at all?

The point in telling him about it was because I was feeling a little worried and I didn't want to be involved in anything that he would have a problem with. Just as I told him, hes the most important thing to me, and chatting with other guys just for compliments or conversation or whatever you want to call it, isn't worth causing problems in my marriage. I told him about all the inappropriate things that I saw... I told him that I immediately left the conversation when I saw things like that. I told him there were a lot of guys who were flirty with me and gave me compliments... I also told him that I let just about anyone that I talked to KNOW that I was married. I never once commented on anyone's appearance or made flirtatious remarks toward anyone.... unless you want to call saying "thank you" when I got a compliment being flirtatious. I don't think it is. I was intentionally trying to be very careful with what I said and how I responded because I had my husband in the back of my mind the whole time... and I didn't want to say anything that he woudn't be pleased with. I told him the absolute truth. Believe it or not, thats your choice.


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## kittykatz (Feb 22, 2013)

TCSRedhead said:


> kitty - whether we believe it, think it or otherwise is unimportant. If you believe you have a disorder, you should seek out treatment in order to improve your life.


I agree with you, and I plan to.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I don't recall if you answered *why* you're asking us about this being wrong 5 or 6 months after the fact?

Your husband knows, didn't like it, you stopped. Seems like the end of that.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Now's the time to also work on your marriage so HE is meeting those needs for you and vice versa.


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## kittykatz (Feb 22, 2013)

Dad&Hubby said:


> I'm sorry Kittykatz if I was too harsh for you, but trying to help you is like trying to catch a muddy pig while wearing olive oil gloves, it's pretty damn slippery and just when you think you got it, it slips away to somewhere else.
> 
> Do I believe you're shy and possibly suffer from anxiety. Yes. But I think your issues go deeper. I'm sorry but you should see a psychiatrist. I'm not saying that to be mean. You're not going to get the level of help you need from an online forum. We can point you in directions. We can give you insight. We can even see through the "fog", but we can't catch the muddy pig while wearing olive oil gloves. You keep bouncing from one issue to another.
> 
> ...


I am aware that I'm not going to get the type of help that I need here. I was just trying to defend myself from people who think that somehow I'm just making all this up for attention/sympathy or whatever you want to call it. I do plan on seeking help from a professional. I just havent yet because like I said before, Its very hard for me to make that first step. Once I do, I think I will be able to get the type of help that I need.


Whats wrong with myself or my marriage? Honestly I dont think anything is wrong with my marriage. I have a wonderful husband and I have very few complaints about him. I feel like I try to sometimes create problems... but there aren't really any there. He doesnt compliment me as much as he used to... that'd probably be the thing about him that bothers me most.. but I believe thats something that can be worked on by other means than looking for it from someone else. Whats wrong with me? sorry but I find that difficult to answer in one sentence. There are many things about myself that I can't stand. I'll just be completely honest. For whatever reason, I DO seek attention. I don't know what that reason is... but I will admit that this website is a way for me to get a form of attention and just to get people to talk to me, but I do not lie or exaggerate about anything here just for the sake of attention. One thing that I am is honest. I don't make things up... not to my husband, not to my family, not to strangers on the internet. I am also self centered, I do think of myself before others.... at least for the most part. I'm selfish. I don't take criticism well... I tend to get defensive. I am quick to judge others, probably because I don't like things about myself and it makes me feel better to judge others. The list could go on. Sorry if that was too long but its just not possible to name all the things that are wrong with me in one sentence.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

I would respectfully disagree with you kitty. If something wasn't wrong or something wasn't lacking, why were you working so hard to seek attention. 

This isn't just something that 'accidentally' happened. This was something you would purposely seek out daily online. 

What was the need/deficit that this was filling?

Until you fully vet that out, seek out help and set up to make sure it doesn't happen again, you're likely to find yourself in a similar situation and that's not fair to your husband.

ETA: The items lacking in the marriage may be due to your issues but there was something.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

And with all of those issues that you listed, you think THIS is a good place to hang out?


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## kittykatz (Feb 22, 2013)

I agree. If he doesn't compliment me enough, thats something we need to work on. I don't think its ok to actively seek compliments from people other than him. 

Why am I talking about this 6 months after the fact? You're right, it is over and done with. I talked to my husband, he didn't like it and I quit going there. I guess I created this thread for several reasons. I'll be honest. Part of the reason is that I wanted attention... but thats not all. Even though I've stopped going to that site, I still don't feel that the issue of not getting complimented by my husband anymore has been fixed. I still feel the desire to get compliments... which is one thing that makes me miss going to that site but I will never go back because I know he doesn't want me to, and I know that it wouldn't be right. Its not right to look to other guys to fulfill something that my husband isnt doing... but that still doesn't mean that my desire to get compliments and feel special to him are gone. Part of the reason I created the thread was to see if anyone had any suggestions as to how to deal with these desires and wants. I've already talked to my husband about it before and I haven't seen much of a change. Some people have suggested some helpful books though, which I do plan on looking into. Another reason was that I just wanted to see if everyone agreed with my husband or if he was overreacting. I got my answer. Most people here said that it was wrong to do what I did, and Ive came to the conclusion that I agree. So, I've accomplished what I came here for.... I don't see the need to continually bash me for things that I already KNOW that I have problems with. 

The only thing I had a problem with was when people started accusing me of exaggerating or lying about things that I've said in this thread in regards to my social anxiety... thats why I was getting defensive. I did not specifically mention anything about having social anxiety in my original post but I did say that I was extremely shy and don't talk to people much in real life. Being very shy is something that comes along with having social anxiety. I didn't use the term originally because I've never actually been diagnosed with it so its not a term that I like to throw around everywhere. That doesn't mean that I still don't have reason to believe that I do in fact have social anxiety.

I do know that I crave attention, I do know that I'm quick to get defensive, I even know that I'm self centered and self absorbed. But I have to say.... I was pretty shocked and offended by the "jodi arias" comment. So now I'm being compared to a mentally ill, deranged, evil psychopath who continued to stab and torture her boyfriend after he was already dead? I know I have problems but I think that is a bit drastic. I was extremely hurt by that comment... you can think I'm just trying to get "sympathy" if you want, but it's not true. I don't think I said or did anything toward anyone on this thread to deserve such maliciousness. Maybe the comment wasn't meant in that way, but thats the way I took it.

I can admit my faults though... I have faults just like some of you here have faults of your own... such as being overly animated and dramatic.... but I won't mention names.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

kittykatz said:


> I do know that I crave attention, I do know that I'm quick to get defensive, I even know that I'm self centered and self absorbed. But I have to say.... I was pretty shocked and offended by the "jodi arias" comment. So now I'm being compared to a mentally ill, deranged, evil psychopath who continued to stab and torture her boyfriend after he was already dead? I know I have problems but I think that is a bit drastic. I was extremely hurt by that comment... you can think I'm just trying to get "sympathy" if you want, but it's not true. I don't think I said or did anything toward anyone on this thread to deserve such maliciousness. Maybe the comment wasn't meant in that way, but thats the way I took it.


It was drastic.

You seem to embody extremes of what every person naturally has within themselves.
Whether people want to admit it or not,we all have shades of the traits you describe yourself as having.It becomes a disorder when these traits are at such extremes that it causes major disruption in your life.
It's ok to need some attention.It's ok to be a bit selfish.It's ok to get defensive when you feel backed into a corner.

But you have to learn the tools required to keep those things in check so they don't get out of hand.


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## kittykatz (Feb 22, 2013)

SomedayDig said:


> And with all of those issues that you listed, you think THIS is a good place to hang out?


You don't think I have just as much right to be here as you or anyone else? This is a marriage forum... thats why I'm here... because I am married and I sometimes like to discuss issues involving my marriage... just like everyone else on this site.

Some of the reason I come here is just for conversation and to get attention.... but Maybe I also thought I'd get some type of support here.... maybe instead of getting attacked, I was looking for helpful suggestions so that I can actually work on my issues. Some of you gave me that.... on the other hand, some of you made some very hurtful comments and were more interested in trying to bring me down even more about myself than to be helpful.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

kittykatz said:


> Whats wrong with myself or my marriage? Honestly I dont think anything is wrong with my marriage. I have a wonderful husband and I have very few complaints about him. I feel like I try to sometimes create problems... but there aren't really any there. He doesnt compliment me as much as he used to... that'd probably be the thing about him that bothers me most.. but I believe thats something that can be worked on by other means than looking for it from someone else.


IF you were that happy with your marriage, you would never have dreamed of talking to other men. You're lucky your husband didn't do the same thing.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Something to ponder: You crave attention exactly BECAUSE you are so shy and have such ISSUES with interacting. You WANT to interact but fear doing so, so you seek out other ways to get it. So instead of seeking out other unhealthy ways, instead work on your issue with interactions. Which usually is based on low self esteem or toxic shame. Work on THAT; it'll take a long time, but you'll be glad with the results. You'll be freed.


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## kittykatz (Feb 22, 2013)

turnera said:


> IF you were that happy with your marriage, you would never have dreamed of talking to other men. You're lucky your husband didn't do the same thing.


I realize what I did wasn't a smart decision but I don't think its as bad as some people here are making it out to be. Yes I talked to other men, Yes I allowed other men to compliment me and be flirty with me... I never said anything flirty back, I never showed them anything of myself that was inappropriate, I never talked to anyone that was doing or saying anything of sexual nature or anything inappropriate. If my husband had have done the same thing I did, I would have had the same reaction. I would have told him that it wasn't a good idea and that he was setting himself up for a potentially bad situation. It wouldn't have been something that I would have considered divorcing him for or anything. 

I will admit, our marriage isn't completely perfect but whose is? Im being honest when I say the main thing that I have a problem with is that I feel he doesn't compliment me as much as he used to... To me, compliments= affection/attention.

Maybe I don't feel like I get as much attention from him as I used to. I think its safe to say that attention is probably the main reason why I went to that site. So if there is any one specific thing that I think is wrong with my marriage, that would be it. To sum it up in one sentence, I dont think my husband pays attention to me anymore.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

kittykatz said:


> You don't think I have just as much right to be here as you or anyone else? This is a marriage forum... thats why I'm here... because I am married and I sometimes like to discuss issues involving my marriage... just like everyone else on this site.
> 
> Some of the reason I come here is just for conversation and to get attention.... but Maybe I also thought I'd get some type of support here.... maybe instead of getting attacked, I was looking for helpful suggestions so that I can actually work on my issues. Some of you gave me that.... on the other hand, some of you made some very hurtful comments and were more interested in trying to bring me down even more about myself than to be helpful.


No. Again, you totally misread which is why the internet can be a crap assed place.

You wrote about all of the issues that you deal with. My comment...my intent is NOT a slam. You only take as such because of the exact issues you stated.

I'm saying that with all of the issues you have, that maybe, just maybe a forum like this isn't the best for someone who deals with the bunch of things you're dealing with. 

I'm not saying you don't have a right to be here. That's YOUR sh-t in YOUR head - not at all what I meant. Those are YOUR issues saying that. I'm simply making an observation.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

kittykatz said:


> I realize what I did wasn't a smart decision but I don't think its as bad as some people here are making it out to be. Yes I talked to other men, Yes I allowed other men to compliment me and be flirty with me... I never said anything flirty back, I never showed them anything of myself that was inappropriate, I never talked to anyone that was doing or saying anything of sexual nature or anything inappropriate.


If you did it without your husband sitting right next to you, watching, it was ALL inappropriate.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

kittykatz said:


> I agree. If he doesn't compliment me enough, thats something we need to work on. I don't think its ok to actively seek compliments from people other than him.
> 
> Why am I talking about this 6 months after the fact? You're right, it is over and done with. I talked to my husband, he didn't like it and I quit going there. I guess I created this thread for several reasons. I'll be honest. Part of the reason is that I wanted attention... but thats not all. Even though I've stopped going to that site, I still don't feel that the issue of not getting complimented by my husband anymore has been fixed. I still feel the desire to get compliments... which is one thing that makes me miss going to that site but I will never go back because I know he doesn't want me to, and I know that it wouldn't be right. Its not right to look to other guys to fulfill something that my husband isnt doing... but that still doesn't mean that my desire to get compliments and feel special to him are gone. Part of the reason I created the thread was to see if anyone had any suggestions as to how to deal with these desires and wants. I've already talked to my husband about it before and I haven't seen much of a change. Some people have suggested some helpful books though, which I do plan on looking into. Another reason was that I just wanted to see if everyone agreed with my husband or if he was overreacting. I got my answer. Most people here said that it was wrong to do what I did, and Ive came to the conclusion that I agree. So, I've accomplished what I came here for.... I don't see the need to continually bash me for things that I already KNOW that I have problems with.
> 
> ...


KK these things that you say about yourself in this post is pretty much what come across so you have made a good assessment of your problem areas. We all have them so you shouldn't be that hard on yourself. 

Part of your your shyness is probably connected to your self centered. A little preoccupied with yourself so you assume others are too. Therefore you think "oh everybody's looking at me and it make me too uncomfortable ". When in reality people are not that centered on you at all. Maybe if you stop thinking about yourself so much and focus on others you wouldn't be so focused on shyness either. You would just tell yourself "oh phooey its not all eyes on me so I am free to not cringe and withdraw but I am free to open up and give of myself to others." And you have something to give. Everybody does. 

Personally I don't see anything wrong with you coming to this Site to talk as long as it doesn't take away from your marriage. Find someone who it's obvious they are hurting and encourage them. Post in a thread that has few responses and give someone else some attention. Laugh and joke with others. Don't worry if it's not returned it will just get you on the road to focusing on others. 

Then start at work by just smiling at your co-workers more even if it out of your comfort zone. Then smile at a customer that you see through the windows (make it a female or a young boy). 

Have you tried the 5 love languages and the other recommendations?


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## kittykatz (Feb 22, 2013)

turnera said:


> Something to ponder: You crave attention exactly BECAUSE you are so shy and have such ISSUES with interacting. You WANT to interact but fear doing so, so you seek out other ways to get it. So instead of seeking out other unhealthy ways, instead work on your issue with interactions. Which usually is based on low self esteem or toxic shame. Work on THAT; it'll take a long time, but you'll be glad with the results. You'll be freed.


This is good advice and thank you so much for say what you did in the first part of your post. 

Someone here commented that I gave homeschooling a bad name because I said it made my social phobia worse. They said that if I was really as shy as I say that I am, I'd have no desire to WANT friends or to be involved with the "bad" kid at school. I wanted to explain myself but I figured it would be pointless and noone would understand what I was saying.

This "bad" kid in school, was pretty much the only best friend that I ever had. She didn't start off doing these things.... it was only after we had been friends for a while. We started being friends when I was in the 5th or 6th grade.... she didnt start getting into drinking,smoking,etc.. until she started junior high... but by that point, we were already friends. So its not that I went out of my way to try to be friends with the "bad kid". Typically most kids ARE rebellious and are doing things they shouldnt be doing when they're at that age. 

Just because a person has social anxiety, doesn't mean that they dont have the desire to WANT to be just be a normal person like everyone else... to be able to have friends and a normal life. Thats the main reason why I pushed myself to go back to a regular school for my senior year of high school. I was nervous about it, and I had to really push myself, but I wanted to be able to have a graduation, to go to prom, to have friends and just do normal things that high school kids do. I tried to fit in and to be social... but it just didn't work out too well. I didn't go to prom... I wanted to go but I didn't have anyone to go with. I never talked to anybody so I didn't really have any friends... let alone guy friends. I could tell that some of the boys in my class would try to make conversation with me sometimes... but after a while they just stopped talking to me because they saw that I never had much of anything to say. Anytime they'd say anything to me, I'd just give them one or two word responses... and it took all I had in me to do that. After a while, people get tired of trying to initiate conversation with someone and only getting a few words out of them.

When I was being homeschooled, I had the DESIRE to want to have friends and to be doing all the things that other kids my age were doing.... and yes, the thought of going back to school made me very nervous.... which is why it took me so long to go back. I kept putting it off and didn't end up going back until my senior year. After about a year or two of being homeschooled and getting my grades pulled up, my parents would have let me go back to regular school if I had wanted to... and I did want to but was too scared to do so... It took everything I had in me to make myself go back for my senior year... and even then, I did it because I felt like I had no choice. It was my last year of high school and my last chance.

But you are absoutely right... being so shy and lacking social skills, makes me FEEL like I'm different than everyone else.... it makes me want to have friendships with people and to be able to go to parties and other social gatherings... I just want to be like everyone else. I feel like an outcast sometimes. I don't think anyone who has social anxiety sits around their house all day saying to themselves "I have absolutely no desire to talk to people or to get out of the house. I'm perfectly fine just sitting here, wasting my life away." I mean sure... they may not WANT to go out into the world and talk to people.... but that doesn't mean that they dont WISH that they could. Thats how I feel anyway. I don't like going to social events, I don't like not being able to go into a grocery store without my husband.... but I certainly wish that I could. Id love more than anything to just be like everyone else.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

Good for you in being forthright about the purpose of going on that site. 

Regardless of whatever else is going on, it is a pretty common thing for husbands to get complacent about giving their wives attention, and some of them turn to affairs for that very reason. Pretty easy for a guy orbiting near the situation to pick up on that vibe and exploit it for some nooky. 



kittykatz said:


> I apologize if I seem manipulative, but if it gives you any comfort, I don't try to be that way on purpose.


An odd way to say that. Give me comfort? :scratchhead: 

Everything that people do is on purpose. We don't act randomly. 



> I told my husband nothing but the absolute truth and the whole truth. I didn't have to tell him about it at all, you do realize that don't you? He would have never found out. So if I was going to lie to him or leave out parts of the story, why not just NOT tell him at all?


This is a common tactic of people covering themselves. They turn it into a question and put other people on the defensive. 

The direct, above-board statement to the husband would be:

"You don't compliment me, but these random internet guys do"


I have a great deal of empathy for women who do not get enough attention and intimacy from their husbands. A woman really needs that and it is such a simple thing to do. You seem like a nice girl really and have taken quite a bit of heat in this thread and that does make me feel a little bad for you.

Hope you can connect with your husband on this.


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## kittykatz (Feb 22, 2013)

SomedayDig said:


> No. Again, you totally misread which is why the internet can be a crap assed place.
> 
> You wrote about all of the issues that you deal with. My comment...my intent is NOT a slam. You only take as such because of the exact issues you stated.
> 
> ...


Ok.... if I may ask, why don't you think a place like this would be best for someone with my issues?


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## kittykatz (Feb 22, 2013)

turnera said:


> If you did it without your husband sitting right next to you, watching, it was ALL inappropriate.


You're right.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> I still don't feel that the issue of not getting complimented by my husband anymore has been fixed.
> 
> I've already talked to my husband about it before and I haven't seen much of a change


Sounds clear to me that you need to have another talk with your husband. It's 6 months later and you're still not getting your needs met (to your satisfaction) and I'm sure he would want to know that. 

And ordering a book online takes 3 minutes. If you wanted to get them you would. You've spent more time on this thread defending your issues than you have trying to solve them.


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## kittykatz (Feb 22, 2013)

committed4ever said:


> KK these things that you say about yourself in this post is pretty much what come across so you have made a good assessment of your problem areas. We all have them so you shouldn't be that hard on yourself.
> 
> Part of your your shyness is probably connected to your self centered. A little preoccupied with yourself so you assume others are too. Therefore you think "oh everybody's looking at me and it make me too uncomfortable ". When in reality people are not that centered on you at all. Maybe if you stop thinking about yourself so much and focus on others you wouldn't be so focused on shyness either. You would just tell yourself "oh phooey its not all eyes on me so I am free to not cringe and withdraw but I am free to open up and give of myself to others." And you have something to give. Everybody does.
> 
> ...


I was suggested a book called "his needs her needs" which I actually downloaded the PDF for last night. I have not looked into the 5 languages of love yet, but I will.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

kittykatz said:


> Ok.... if I may ask, why don't you think a place like this would be best for someone with my issues?


 Because we don't know you, we only get snippets of your life, and we aren't professionals who went through 7-8 years of school to know how to properly assess what would help you.


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## Soifon (Oct 5, 2012)

kittykatz said:


> But I have to say.... I was pretty shocked and offended by the "jodi arias" comment. So now I'm being compared to a mentally ill, deranged, evil psychopath who continued to stab and torture her boyfriend after he was already dead? I know I have problems but I think that is a bit drastic. I was extremely hurt by that comment... you can think I'm just trying to get "sympathy" if you want, but it's not true. I don't think I said or did anything toward anyone on this thread to deserve such maliciousness. Maybe the comment wasn't meant in that way, but thats the way I took it.


It was not drastic. Of course it's been taken to the extreme because no one can just look at the basic concept in a statement. The entire trial you get the feeling that everything she does there is to be heard, be seen, have people talking about her. Everything is about her and she loves it and it is obnoxious. I'm not saying anything about the murder. I'm talking about her behavior in the trial. Which is exactly how I think you behave. Did I say you were a psychopathic killer? NOOOOOOO


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Read HNHN together. Do the worksheets together. It will make a big difference.


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## kittykatz (Feb 22, 2013)

A Bit Much said:


> Sounds clear to me that you need to have another talk with your husband. It's 6 months later and you're still not getting your needs met (to your satisfaction) and I'm sure he would want to know that.
> 
> And ordering a book online takes 3 minutes. If you wanted to get them you would. You've spent more time on this thread defending your issues than you have trying to solve them.


I just got done saying that I downloaded the PDF for "His needs her needs". 

And yes I do think I need to have another talk with him. I just don't want to come off as nagging him or being too needy.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

kittykatz said:


> Ok.... if I may ask, why don't you think a place like this would be best for someone with my issues?





turnera said:


> Because we don't know you, we only get snippets of your life, and we aren't professionals who went through 7-8 years of school to know how to properly assess what would help you.


Thank you Tunera because that is precisely my thought.

Good luck, OP. I shall take my leave.


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## kittykatz (Feb 22, 2013)

Soifon said:


> It was not drastic. Of course it's been taken to the extreme because no one can just look at the basic concept in a statement. The entire trial you get the feeling that everything she does there is to be heard, be seen, have people talking about her. Everything is about her and she loves it and it is obnoxious. I'm not saying anything about the murder. I'm talking about her behavior in the trial. Which is exactly how I think you behave. Did I say you were a psychopathic killer? NOOOOOOO


You know what I think is obnoxious? Your constant use of capitalizing letters and using multiple exclamation marks. Capitalizing your words, repeating yourself, and using tons of punctuation marks, doesn't mean that you're getting your point across any better. It just makes you look over dramatic and like you could possibly be seeking a little bit of attention yourself.

If you're going to keep berading me about flaws that I have already admitted to, at least talk to me normally like everyone else. It would be much easier and less annoying to read.


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## kittykatz (Feb 22, 2013)

coffee4me said:


> KK before you jump on your husband about the compliments, you need to take a look at your actions.
> 
> Looking at this from his perspective (I'm assuming that you talk to him about much of what you have posted).
> 
> ...


I was going to try to defend myself but I'm not going to do that. I think you're right. Being beautiful to someone isn't all about looks... I think I need to work on myself on the inside. 

He is a very selfless, generous, non judgemental person so it makes sense that he wouldn't find some of my traits attractive. 
I definitely need to work on myself. Its not all about him.


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

kittykatz said:


> I apologize if I seem manipulative, but if it gives you any comfort, I don't try to be that way on purpose.
> 
> I told my husband nothing but the absolute truth and the whole truth. I didn't have to tell him about it at all, you do realize that don't you? He would have never found out. So if I was going to lie to him or leave out parts of the story, why not just NOT tell him at all?


The thing is, unless this online chat place specifically says it's for women only, you should have told your husband before getting online. Or, at least, when you met the first guy who was naked, you should have spoken up _then_. That you waited as long as you did is a sign of manipulative behavior...you sought attention from other men for as long as you could without feeling guilty, and then you told your husband so you couldn't be blamed for hiding it. 

And this fits with your need for attention as well. By not telling him at all, you wouldn't have gotten any attention from him. But telling him after the fact, you get to see how jealous he'll be, how he'll react to the idea, etc. 



> The point in telling him about it was because I was feeling a little worried and I didn't want to be involved in anything that he would have a problem with.


This is why you talk about this sort of thing _before_ you actually go online and do it...especially when the website isn't gender specific. 



> Just as I told him, hes the most important thing to me, and chatting with other guys just for compliments or conversation or whatever you want to call it, isn't worth causing problems in my marriage. I told him about all the inappropriate things that I saw... I told him that I immediately left the conversation when I saw things like that. I told him there were a lot of guys who were flirty with me and gave me compliments... I also told him that I let just about anyone that I talked to KNOW that I was married. I never once commented on anyone's appearance or made flirtatious remarks toward anyone.... unless you want to call saying "thank you" when I got a compliment being flirtatious. I don't think it is.


See, you seem to think that because you were flirted _with_, but didn't flirt back, that you're completely innocent. But you're not. You went and sought attention from men on a webcam website. It's one thing if a guy gives you his number when you're working. It's something else entirely to go to a website where you know you're going to be flirted with, and not tell your husband that you're doing it. 



> I was intentionally trying to be very careful with what I said and how I responded because I had my husband in the back of my mind the whole time... and I didn't want to say anything that he woudn't be pleased with. I told him the absolute truth. Believe it or not, thats your choice.


I believe you told him the truth. But I don't believe that you did so to be honest and open with your husband. If you really wanted to put your husband first, you would have told him about the site before joining. Or, at least, told him about it as soon as men started flirting and doing inappropriate things.


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

kittykatz said:


> I am aware that I'm not going to get the type of help that I need here. I was just trying to defend myself from people who think that somehow I'm just making all this up for attention/sympathy or whatever you want to call it. I do plan on seeking help from a professional. I just havent yet because like I said before, Its very hard for me to make that first step. Once I do, I think I will be able to get the type of help that I need.
> 
> 
> Whats wrong with myself or my marriage? Honestly I dont think anything is wrong with my marriage. I have a wonderful husband and I have very few complaints about him. I feel like I try to sometimes create problems... but there aren't really any there. He doesnt compliment me as much as he used to... that'd probably be the thing about him that bothers me most.. but I believe thats something that can be worked on by other means than looking for it from someone else.


If you have a need that isn't being met by your husband, then there definitely IS something wrong with your marriage. It may not be some substantial thing, but it's still an issue and every marriage has them. And the reason you're seeking admiration from others is because your husband doesn't show you admiration. _His Needs, Her Needs_ is a fantastic book. Read it. Apply it. It helped my husband and I understand each others needs, and learn how to meet them. 



> Whats wrong with me? sorry but I find that difficult to answer in one sentence. There are many things about myself that I can't stand. I'll just be completely honest. For whatever reason, I DO seek attention. I don't know what that reason is...


My guess would be because your husband doesn't show you admiration enough, and that includes compliments. Admiration is my number one need, as well, and my husband isn't going at showing it, but he's learning. 

But trying to get that need met through other men is _dangerous_. Every man will compliment the same woman differently, and for some men compliments come more naturally than for others. If your husband isn't as good at it as other men, it can make it next to impossible for you to be satisfied. 



> but I will admit that this website is a way for me to get a form of attention and just to get people to talk to me, but I do not lie or exaggerate about anything here just for the sake of attention. One thing that I am is honest. I don't make things up... not to my husband, not to my family, not to strangers on the internet. I am also self centered, I do think of myself before others.... at least for the most part. I'm selfish. I don't take criticism well... I tend to get defensive. I am quick to judge others, probably because I don't like things about myself and it makes me feel better to judge others. The list could go on. Sorry if that was too long but its just not possible to name all the things that are wrong with me in one sentence.


You definitely need to reflect on these issues. We all have our flaws, but they don't fix themselves or magically go away. We have to actively change the things we don't like about ourselves, the things that can potentially ruin our relationships with the people we love. And that takes effort every single day.


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## kittykatz (Feb 22, 2013)

I agree with most of what you said except I still deny the fact that I told him about the website because I wanted to make him jealous. Even thoug i do say or do some things just for attention, this wasnt one of them.I told him for no other reason except for the fact that I was feeling guilty and I realized that I didn't want to do anything that he might find questionable. I didn't wait that long to tell him about it... I had only been on there for about a week. My husband does not show much emotion and there have been very few times if any at all, that he has shown jealousy. So I didn't know for sure what his reaction would be but judging from the way he typically reacts to these things, I figured that he most likely woud not show much jealousy... and he didn't. He didn't act like it really bothered him until a few days later when he walked in on me chatting with a guy... and even then, he didn't go crazy or anything. I do put my husband first, as I have not been back to the site since he expressed to me that he didn't like it. Maybe I didn't mention it at first because I thought I wouldn't feel guilty... maybe because I was trying to convice myself that I wasn't do anything wrong... but then when I was actually put in the situation, I did feel guilty which obviously meant there was something wrong.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

kittykatz said:


> I realize what I did wasn't a smart decision but I don't think its as bad as some people here are making it out to be. Yes I talked to other men, Yes I allowed other men to compliment me and be flirty with me... I never said anything flirty back, I never showed them anything of myself that was inappropriate, I never talked to anyone that was doing or saying anything of sexual nature or anything inappropriate.


Kitty, _affairs_ begin this way. It often starts with an unmet need that leads to seeking attention elsewhere, that leads to finding someone special who really clicks with you, that leads to EA's and PA's. Whether you flirted or not is really irrelevant. You still chose to open that door, regardless of the consequences. Luckily, you closed it. But until this issue in your marriage is fixed, you will continuously be tempted to reopen the door. 



> If my husband had have done the same thing I did, I would have had the same reaction. I would have told him that it wasn't a good idea and that he was setting himself up for a potentially bad situation. It wouldn't have been something that I would have considered divorcing him for or anything.
> 
> I will admit, our marriage isn't completely perfect but whose is? Im being honest when I say the main thing that I have a problem with is that I feel he doesn't compliment me as much as he used to... To me, compliments= affection/attention.


Read _His Needs, Her Needs_. It talks a lot about the things we need as humans, and one of those things is Admiration. 

[qote]Maybe I don't feel like I get as much attention from him as I used to. I think its safe to say that attention is probably the main reason why I went to that site. So if there is any one specific thing that I think is wrong with my marriage, that would be it. To sum it up in one sentence, I dont think my husband pays attention to me anymore.[/QUOTE]

And you are totally right to be upset by this. My husband doesn't put in _nearly_ enough effort to meet my need for Admiration. He thinks he can do the bare minimum and I'll be satisfied. _His Needs, Her Needs_ helped. But it takes actively changing our thought process to really change our actions. I've had to do the same with Quality Time, which is his need.


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

coffee4me said:


> KK before you jump on your husband about the compliments, you need to take a look at your actions.
> 
> Looking at this from his perspective (I'm assuming that you talk to him about much of what you have posted).
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree:

Yes.


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

kittykatz said:


> I agree with most of what you said except I still deny the fact that I told him about the website because I wanted to make him jealous. Even thoug i do say or do some things just for attention, this wasnt one of them.I told him for no other reason except for the fact that I was feeling guilty and I realized that I didn't want to do anything that he might find questionable.


Fair enough. I hope you see, though, that you should never have gone to the site without telling him about it first. 



> I didn't wait that long to tell him about it... I had only been on there for about a week.


It's not the time so much as the content of what went on. One hour once a day for seven days is seven hours...that's a lot of flirting and complimenting that could be shown to you. Flattery, even a little, can cause incredible damage to a marriage. 



> My husband does not show much emotion and there have been very few times if any at all, that he has shown jealousy. So I didn't know for sure what his reaction would be but judging from the way he typically reacts to these things, I figured that he most likely woud not show much jealousy...


You "figured"...meaning you assumed. Just because he doesn't show jealousy doesn't mean he doesn't _feel_ jealousy. Never, ever, assume that your husband would be totally fine with you talking face to face with other men, men he doesn't know. And then go behind his back and do that very thing without talking to him. 



> and he didn't. He didn't act like it really bothered him until a few days later when he walked in on me chatting with a guy... and even then, he didn't go crazy or anything. I do put my husband first, as I have not been back to the site since he expressed to me that he didn't like it. Maybe I didn't mention it at first because I thought I wouldn't feel guilty... maybe because I was trying to convice myself that I wasn't do anything wrong... but then when I was actually put in the situation, I did feel guilty which obviously meant there was something wrong.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Kitty, you put your husband fist _after the fact_. After he was already upset. After he was already hurt. After going behind his back.


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## Rollin (May 18, 2013)

Guilt because you knew that you wouldn't like it if he was the one chatting up another girl?


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