# Am I wrong to feel this way?



## sparklingandbroken (May 7, 2018)

I got married last fall and hired my hair dresser and some of her staff to come to my mom's house to do hair and makeup for the bridal party. There is a woman who my husband knew--that's as much as I was ever told. Anytime the salon's commercial was on TV he'd be like oh there's "Ellen" (for the sake of this post). So at some point we had chit chatted here and there at the salon. Fast forward to the wedding day--she did makeup and then left. The lady who was coming from another bridal party to do MY hair ended up having to do all 6 bridesmaids updos and was very crabby and rude and the whole mood was low vibe. It was such a disappointing experience that I completely switched salons after the fact.

SO, last night a picture of her and my former hairdresser popped up when I was scrolling on FB and I said something casual in the group we were hanging out with like "Oh, so she went to this XYZ school?" which is where that majority of them went. My husband's sister says "Did you know he f*cked her?" My stomach dropped. It's not so much that I cared who he's been with, as long as I don't have to be face to face with them--especially unknowingly. It pisses me off that it was some big secret and I feel stupid that everyone but me apparently knew about it. I'm all "ohhh Ellen knows your brother!" on the wedding day and they were probably thinking yeah, cuz they used to sleep together. I wish he would have just been honest because I would have preferred to have someone else that he hasn't f*cked be a part of our wedding day. 

I'm also pissed because I feel like hindsight is 20/20. She probably felt awkward and that's why she left earlier than what I had planned for and then had to deal with a crabby, rushed stylist to finish her job. He also has yet to apologize. He lies about dumb **** a lot and I am so over it. And he follows her on social media, and i think the fact that he ogles over her like a puppy really pisses me off now that I know they have history. Am I dumb for feeling this way? I think it's the secretive part that pisses me off the most.


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## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

I would just let it go.. It's too bad that you had to deal with a crabby stylist but it's over. Your married now so try and move forward. It wouldn't hurt to talk about this with your husband-- let him know how hurt you are by his oogling over this woman at the salon. Men can be clueless on what is hurting us. Tell him what you need so that you can move on.


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## sparklingandbroken (May 7, 2018)

It's not the ogling that hurts. It's the fact that he kept this secret that he's had sex with her and everyone but me knew about it. It made me look dumb. I feel like he should have given me fair warning, so I could have made the decision for myself. I also take issue with the fact that he has yet to apologize--I've made my feelings crystal clear.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Career woman here, 60 years old, & 38 years married (first time for the both of us). Yes, your new husband disrespected you, by not telling you that he had slept with your hairdresser. On top of that, he oggles her & follows her on social media. He must stop both of these behaviors if he is to remained married to you. You need to sit him down and have a come to Jesus talk with him. Your wedding was your special day. He has tainted those memories. He is definitely immature.

You need to require respect from your new husband. You need to make sure that he understands where you are coming from. We teach people how to treat us. In your new marriage, you need to communicate clearly to this immature husband of yours. BTW how old are the both of you?

I married my husband when I was 22 years old & he was 24 years old. Neither of us had been married before nor lived with anyone. We both started with a clean slate. We were exclusive for three years before we married. Even though we had known each other for that length of time, we still had to iron out our communication skills. Very sorry that you are here.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

sparklingandbroken said:


> I got married last fall and hired my hair dresser and some of her staff to come to my mom's house to do hair and makeup for the bridal party. There is a woman who my husband knew--that's as much as I was ever told. Anytime the salon's commercial was on TV he'd be like oh there's "Ellen" (for the sake of this post). So at some point we had chit chatted here and there at the salon. Fast forward to the wedding day--she did makeup and then left. The lady who was coming from another bridal party to do MY hair ended up having to do all 6 bridesmaids updos and was very crabby and rude and the whole mood was low vibe. It was such a disappointing experience that I completely switched salons after the fact.
> 
> SO, last night a picture of her and my former hairdresser popped up when I was scrolling on FB and I said something casual in the group we were hanging out with like "Oh, so she went to this XYZ school?" which is where that majority of them went. My husband's sister says "Did you know he f*cked her?" My stomach dropped. It's not so much that I cared who he's been with, as long as I don't have to be face to face with them--especially unknowingly. It pisses me off that it was some big secret and I feel stupid that everyone but me apparently knew about it. I'm all "ohhh Ellen knows your brother!" on the wedding day and they were probably thinking yeah, cuz they used to sleep together. I wish he would have just been honest because I would have preferred to have someone else that he hasn't f*cked be a part of our wedding day.
> 
> I'm also pissed because I feel like hindsight is 20/20. She probably felt awkward and that's why she left earlier than what I had planned for and then had to deal with a crabby, rushed stylist to finish her job. He also has yet to apologize. He lies about dumb **** a lot and I am so over it. And he follows her on social media, and i think the fact that he ogles over her like a puppy really pisses me off now that I know they have history. Am I dumb for feeling this way? I think it's the secretive part that pisses me off the most.


So I get that this was not your hair dresser but just someone who worked in the shop right? Because that may change my answer. 

Assuming this is someone you never really saw much of until she was doing your makeup, I don't know what was he going to say. Oh by the way the women who is doing your makeup we had sex a long time ago. Really how would that have gone over on your wedding day? Probably not good, what would you have done fired her on the spot? Or would you have just been pissed on your wedding day? Do you want to know every partner he was with?

By the way you have nothing to feel stupid about. People sleep with other people before they are married, that's life. Other people know this. Presumably he loves and chose you right?

Look you are not wrong because it awkward, but I don't think he did anything wrong, unless it was part of the deal that he needed to tell you all the girls he slept with. Also then you need to tell him if he wants to know. To me it sounds like a bad idea. The person who is the ******* in this is the sister. Nothing good was going to come out of that. Your husband wasn't laughing at you to him it was in the past. At least it sounds like it was. 

Now the facebook thing is kind of crappy. If you don't want him to ogling girls on FB I think you are well within your rights to tell him to stop as it is disrespectful. 

My 2 cents.


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## sparklingandbroken (May 7, 2018)

sokillme said:


> I don't know what was he going to say. Oh by the way the women who is doing your makeup we had sex a long time ago. Do you want to know every partner he was with?
> 
> Look you are not wrong because it awkward, but I don't think he did anything wrong, unless it was part of the deal that he needed to tell you all the girls he slept with. Also then you need to tell him if he wants to know. To me it sounds like a bad idea. The person who is the ******* in this is the sister. Nothing good was going to come out of that.
> 
> ...


Thanks for your input. I don't expect him to hand me a list of people he's slept with, but for 3 years all I knew is that he knew this lady that I am referring to. If I knew it was because they had sex, I would have rather not known he knew her at all. He very easily could have been upfront when I told him she would be helping my hairdresser on our wedding day and say something like "hey just so you know..." and then I could have made the decision not to have her there if I felt it would be uncomfortable. 

Like I said, my main issue is the secretive part. In any situation, if there is a conversation that involves "don't tell my wife.." nothing good can come from that. Yes, the sister was wrong. It was his business to tell, and he failed to do so.


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## sparklingandbroken (May 7, 2018)

Roselyn said:


> Career woman here, 60 years old, & 38 years married (first time for the both of us). Yes, your new husband disrespected you, by not telling you that he had slept with your hairdresser. On top of that, he oggles her & follows her on social media. He must stop both of these behaviors if he is to remained married to you. You need to sit him down and have a come to Jesus talk with him. Your wedding was your special day. He has tainted those memories. He is definitely immature.
> 
> You need to require respect from your new husband. You need to make sure that he understands where you are coming from. We teach people how to treat us. In your new marriage, you need to communicate clearly to this immature husband of yours. BTW how old are the both of you?
> 
> I married my husband when I was 22 years old & he was 24 years old. Neither of us had been married before nor lived with anyone. We both started with a clean slate. We were exclusive for three years before we married. Even though we had known each other for that length of time, we still had to iron out our communication skills. Very sorry that you are here.


Thanks for your reply. We are both 32 and I was married previously to a serial cheater. That's why I take such issue with the lying. I would always much rather deal with uncomfortable honesty than secretive BS behind my back. 

It's not that I'm just some insecure chick. His friend group is very complicated and one of his exes that he dated for several years is often at events. We always talk and are very cordial to each other. I don't feel awkward, because I know exactly who she is. 

I think the fact that I had one version of reality which is that this "Ellen" was someone he knew a long time because she went to HS with his friends came crashing down yesterday when the actual reality is that they've hooked up. It's disrespectful, and if I knew exes were invited to partake in our day, I've got plenty that I could have hired out.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

sparklingandbroken said:


> Thanks for your input. I don't expect him to hand me a list of people he's slept with, but for 3 years all I knew is that he knew this lady that I am referring to. If I knew it was because they had sex, I would have rather not known he knew her at all. He very easily could have been upfront when I told him she would be helping my hairdresser on our wedding day and say something like "hey just so you know..." and then I could have made the decision not to have her there if I felt it would be uncomfortable.
> 
> Like I said, my main issue is the secretive part. In any situation, if there is a conversation that involves "don't tell my wife.." nothing good can come from that. Yes, the sister was wrong. It was his business to tell, and he failed to do so.


So your timeline is confusing. This women was not your hairdresser right just someone who worked there? How often did he see her?


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Both of you are not that young when you married. I was a full-time university professor at your ages & held a Ph.D. in my area of study. Your new husband needs to apologize to you & stop oggling women at his social media. What is surprising is that your friends did not tell you. My husband and I agreed that there would be no ex-s in our lives. I will hold him to that or I'll walk. (We married 38 years ago.) You need to establish boundaries with your new husband now, before unpleasant situations happen. I'm really sorry about what happened to you.


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## sparklingandbroken (May 7, 2018)

sokillme said:


> So I get that this was not your hair dresser but just someone who worked in the shop right? Because that may change my answer.
> 
> Assuming this is someone you never really saw much of until she was doing your makeup, I don't know what was he going to say. Oh by the way the women who is doing your makeup we had sex a long time ago. Really how would that have gone over on your wedding day? Probably not good, what would you have done fired her on the spot? Or would you have just been pissed on your wedding day? Do you want to know every partner he was with?
> 
> ...



To be clear, she didn't do my makeup. I had been going to the same salon for over 10 years, this lady I am referring to worked at the same salon my stylist did for the duration. I've known her this whole time. When I started dating my husband, he would specifically point her out in the salon commercials. We've had multiple casual conversations about her. The only reason his sister knew anything about their past is because when my husband found out she'd be working our wedding, he specifically told his brother in law not to let me find out about their history. THAT'S my issue. He clearly found her involvement to be an issue, but not enough to let me in on it.


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## sparklingandbroken (May 7, 2018)

Roselyn said:


> Both of you are not that young when you married. I was a full-time university professor at your ages & held a Ph.D. in my area of study. Your new husband needs to apologize to you & stop oggling women at his social media. What is surprising is that your friends did not tell you. My husband and I agreed that there would be no ex-s in our lives. I will hold him to that or I'll walk. (We married 38 years ago.) You need to establish boundaries with your new husband now, before unpleasant situations happen. I'm really sorry about what happened to you.


I had a Master's Degree and a 5 bedroom house by the time I was 23, I'm not sure what that has to do with anything. I agree, that he is old enough to know better. Thanks for the advice, I will have another talk with him when he is done giving me the silent treatment.


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## sparklingandbroken (May 7, 2018)

sokillme said:


> So your timeline is confusing. This women was not your hairdresser right just someone who worked there? How often did he see her?


Not MY hairdresser. Just someone who worked at the station next to my stylist so I have known her casually this whole time. Once she found out, I was dating my now husband we had a few brief conversations re: that. Nothing that would make me think they knew each other more than acquaintances. 

I have no idea how often he saw her because he kept the fact that he saw her period, a secret.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

sparklingandbroken said:


> I had a Master's Degree and a 5 bedroom house by the time I was 23, I'm not sure what that has to do with anything. I agree, that he is old enough to know better. Thanks for the advice, I will have another talk with him when he is done giving me the silent treatment.


My point is that 32 is an age where immaturity (when it refers to your new husband) is totally unexcusable. That is an age when you should know better. His silent treatment of you is another demonstration of his immaturity. He needs to come to the table with you and set your boundaries & expectations of each other.


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## sparklingandbroken (May 7, 2018)

Roselyn said:


> My point is that 32 is an age where immaturity (when it refers to your new husband) is totally unexcusable. That is an age when you should know better. His silent treatment of you is another demonstration of his immaturity. He needs to come to the table with you and set your boundaries & expectations of each other.


I agree 100%. Thanks for the clarification.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

You are never dumb for feeling your feelings. I had sex with my wife's bride's maid and that was not a problem for my wife. No big deal for either of us. Just look at it this way, he tried the rest but chose the best. What happened in the past is best kept there. I would be angry at your husband's sister for telling you that and your husband. 

I have had sex with every one of my wife's girlfriends in her school and her social life. She knew that years before we even met. Yet she is still friends with them and they visit us when they are in our new location. My wife could not walk a block in any direction from where she lived without running into a girl I had sex with. I even had sex with the wives of two of my friends before they got married. For us it is not a problem. With my wife I would not tell her. If I was married to you and knew your feeling about it, I would not only have told you but never hired the girl to begin with. That is his mistake. However, although you have a right to be angry, it is not that big a deal to make you stay angry for long. Did your husband know how you felt about this kind of thing? If you never gave him a clue, well, guys are often clueless and think sex is no big thing other than just sex. Try telling yourself that he picked you over her and how unlucky that girl was to be doing the hair of the one who won your husband's heart.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

"The only reason his sister knew anything about their past is because when my husband found out she'd be working our wedding, he specifically told his brother in law not to let me find out about their history. THAT'S my issue. He clearly found her involvement to be an issue, but not enough to let me in on it."

Ok THAT's a problem and wrong. That isn't just omission -- that is just lying and manipulation. WHY? You need to ask him that flat out. He also needs to stop following her on social media as this seems a little bit more than just "oh, she was an ex". Since he is like this, you may want to have the sexual history talk with him so that you don't get any more surprises....


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

sparklingandbroken said:


> To be clear, she didn't do my makeup. I had been going to the same salon for over 10 years, this lady I am referring to worked at the same salon my stylist did for the duration. I've known her this whole time. When I started dating my husband, he would specifically point her out in the salon commercials. We've had multiple casual conversations about her. The only reason his sister knew anything about their past is because when my husband found out she'd be working our wedding, he specifically told his brother in law not to let me find out about their history. THAT'S my issue. He clearly found her involvement to be an issue, but not enough to let me in on it.


Yeah he should have said something, I was under the impression that he knew she worked there but didn't know she would be doing your wedding stuff and she was really kind of never around except when you got your haircut. Maybe he didn't think she was going to be this involved and it just got out of hand because at that point it was almost too late to tell you. 

Why don't you just have a talk about it, and the facebook thing too.


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## sparklingandbroken (May 7, 2018)

Vinnydee said:


> You are never dumb for feeling your feelings. I had sex with my wife's bride's maid and that was not a problem for my wife. No big deal for either of us. Just look at it this way, he tried the rest but chose the best. What happened in the past is best kept there. I would be angry at your husband's sister for telling you that and your husband.
> 
> I have had sex with every one of my wife's girlfriends in her school and her social life. She knew that years before we even met. Yet she is still friends with them and they visit us when they are in our new location. My wife could not walk a block in any direction from where she lived without running into a girl I had sex with. I even had sex with the wives of two of my friends before they got married. For us it is not a problem. With my wife I would not tell her. If I was married to you and knew your feeling about it, I would not only have told you but never hired the girl to begin with. That is his mistake. However, although you have a right to be angry, it is not that big a deal to make you stay angry for long. Did your husband know how you felt about this kind of thing? If you never gave him a clue, well, guys are often clueless and think sex is no big thing other than just sex. Try telling yourself that he picked you over her and how unlucky that girl was to be doing the hair of the one who won your husband's heart.


Thanks for your input. Half of our socializing with friends, I'm surrounded by at least 1 person he's slept with. That's not the issue so much as him keeping it from me, having everyone else know and even them saying stuff behind my back on my wedding day like "do you think she knows?" That's why I feel stupid. I wish I did know and would have just hired someone else. His sister is an instigator, so I also wish I could have just answered "yes" when she asked because she was trying to ruffle my feathers.


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## sparklingandbroken (May 7, 2018)

jlg07 said:


> "The only reason his sister knew anything about their past is because when my husband found out she'd be working our wedding, he specifically told his brother in law not to let me find out about their history. THAT'S my issue. He clearly found her involvement to be an issue, but not enough to let me in on it."
> 
> Ok THAT's a problem and wrong. That isn't just omission -- that is just lying and manipulation. WHY? You need to ask him that flat out. He also needs to stop following her on social media as this seems a little bit more than just "oh, she was an ex". Since he is like this, you may want to have the sexual history talk with him so that you don't get any more surprises....


I agree, 100%. That's what upsets me. I've had to deal with being around plenty of his exes--that's fine. I don't find lying acceptable.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

sparklingandbroken said:


> ... I will have another talk with him when he is done giving me the silent treatment.


No, you aren't wrong to feel as you do. However - and maybe this is a trigger for me because I endured it - but why the hell is HE giving YOU the silent treatment? And why the hell are you tolerating it???? You married the guy, so I assume he has many redeeming qualities. I can only react to what you have posted, and he sounds like an immature douche to me. 

Maybe you should inform him, silent treatment or not, that you aren't going to deal with issues on such a childish level. I guess expecting an apology of any type from him is unrealistic. JMO.


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## sparklingandbroken (May 7, 2018)

Prodigal said:


> No, you aren't wrong to feel as you do. However - and maybe this is a trigger for me because I endured it - but why the hell is HE giving YOU the silent treatment? And why the hell are you tolerating it???? You married the guy, so I assume he has many redeeming qualities. I can only react to what you have posted, and he sounds like an immature douche to me.
> 
> Maybe you should inform him, silent treatment or not, that you aren't going to deal with issues on such a childish level. I guess expecting an apology of any type from him is unrealistic. JMO.


I agree. This is what he does every single time there is an issue. Period. I used to try to be the one to squash it, but I have nothing to apologize for, so? What do I even say? I already told him how I felt yesterday and he had nothing to say. He is extremely immature, he has made some progress in other areas but communication remains a huge one. His dad is the same way and there's always family drama because of it. I can't stand the drama and have medical issues so I can't afford to put myself in the middle of the stress. SO I just mind my own business and do what it is that I have to do.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

sparklingandbroken said:


> This is what he does every single time there is an issue. ... He is extremely immature, he has made some progress in other areas but communication remains a huge one. His dad is the same way and there's always family drama because of it. I can't stand the drama and have medical issues so I can't afford to put myself in the middle of the stress. SO I just mind my own business and do what it is that I have to do.


Given your response, this begs the question: WHY did you marry him? Family drama. Silent treatment used as a method to handle differences. Extreme immaturity. Doesn't sound like it's going to end well. You are absolutely correct - you can take care of your business (what is yours to own) and leave him to his issues.

But this is a new marriage. Again, doesn't sound good. Doesn't sound good at all.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

This is why being honest about past relationships is so important. I couldn't marry a man who was secretive and lied and ogled other women in that way. Giving you the silent treatment is also another sign of him being very immature. I was surprised to hear that he is in his 30's.


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## sparklingandbroken (May 7, 2018)

Prodigal said:


> Given your response, this begs the question: WHY did you marry him? Family drama. Silent treatment used as a method to handle differences. Extreme immaturity. Doesn't sound like it's going to end well. You are absolutely correct - you can take care of your business (what is yours to own) and leave him to his issues.
> 
> But this is a new marriage. Again, doesn't sound good. Doesn't sound good at all.


I do love him, we have a lot of history. Honestly, nostalgia is a very powerful emotion and that is a big reason why we are together. And while he does lie about stupid stuff, he is not a cheater. We share a lot of the same values, but he does have a lot of growing up to do. I don't even think the lying was necessarily malicious, but immature to avoid the topic altogether.


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## sparklingandbroken (May 7, 2018)

Diana7 said:


> This is why being honest about past relationships is so important. I couldn't marry a man who was secretive and lied and ogled other women in that way. Giving you the silent treatment is also another sign of him being very immature. I was surprised to hear that he is in his 30's.


I agree. He never ogles women obviously in my presence, but the fact that he used to point her out in the commercials to me tells me he still has a little crush. She's very pretty, but married with 2 kids. I really like her, she's very sweet. But I don't think it's appropriate given this history I had no idea about.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

sparklingandbroken said:


> I do love him, we have a lot of history. Honestly, nostalgia is a very powerful emotion and that is a big reason why we are together.


Perhaps you can detach enough to see that this is an excuse, not a reason, to be married to this man. 



sparklingandbroken said:


> And while *he does lie about stupid stuff*, he is not a cheater.


He lies. Whether it's "stupid stuff" or not, he has a propensity for lying. Okay, he's not a cheater. He's a liar. That doesn't make it right. You are his wife. This is a marriage. Lying, whether it's about stupid stuff or not, is still a lie. 

I think you realize, deep down inside, that you settled. Although it's tossed around too carelessly and used as a blanket explanation, I will tell you that you sound quite codependent to me. Why? Because I am the poster child for codependency. I made excuses for, absolved from, and tolerated nonsense from men. Too many men. I settled. 



sparlkingandbroken said:


> We share a lot of the same values, but he does have a lot of growing up to do. I don't even think the lying was necessarily malicious, but immature to avoid the topic altogether.


Okay, you share a lot of the same "values." And what values might they be? Lying? Immaturity? Silent treatment? Passive-aggressiveness?


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## sparklingandbroken (May 7, 2018)

Prodigal said:


> Perhaps you can detach enough to see that this is an excuse, not a reason, to be married to this man.
> 
> I think you realize, deep down inside, that you settled. Although it's tossed around too carelessly and used as a blanket explanation, I will tell you that you sound quite codependent to me. Why? Because I am the poster child for codependency. I made excuses for, absolved from, and tolerated nonsense from men. Too many men. I settled.


I guess maybe to a degree, yes I did settle. Can you elaborate on the codependent thing? What can I do about it?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

sparklingandbroken said:


> I guess maybe to a degree, yes I did settle.


We codies settle to the detriment of our own well-being. After all, here you are on a marriage site asking for feedback and advice on whether or not you should be ticked off at your husband. The thing is, these ARE your feelings to feel. Regardless of your husband lying, minimizing the situation, or giving you his passive-aggressive silent treatment. You are not happy with the situation. He is doing his best to crap all over your feelings and to get you in line with his way of seeing things. Can you see how that is you settling for less than you deserve from a marriage partner?



sparlingandbroken said:


> Can you elaborate on the codependent thing? What can I do about it?


Mind you, this is only my advice and what worked for me. To begin with, I had to get REALLY miserable being in my relationships. I just knew I wasn't comfortable and had a nagging sense that things weren't right. From there, I got into Al-Anon. I married two alcoholics. Al-Anon gave me the tools to detach, take ownership of my own issues, and learn to be happy with myself.

Granted, you aren't married to an alcoholic from what you say. But you can start by taking your focus off of him and putting the focus on you. Get a copy of Melody Beatty's classic, _Codependent No More._ She writes from the perspective as someone who was an addict. She naturally got involved with other addicts. And the men with whom she was involved were making her miserable, crazy, and turning her into an other-focused person.

There is actually a support organization based on the 12 steps of AA called "Codependents Anonymous." I attended CoDA meetings along with my Al-Anon meetings. Look, we are all a little bit codependent. But when we find ourselves settling for, putting up with, and trying to make sense of relationships that are hurting us, we need to figure out what is wrong within ourselves.

You sound unhappy. You sound like you settled. Why else would you put up with a grown man giving you the silent treatment. His family aside, YOU have to figure out why you are putting up with things that are making you unhappy so early on in a marriage. Shared history? Perhaps. But it doesn't sound like it's been any bed of roses, shared history or not.

Me? I divorced the first alcoholic husband. He died six years after the divorce. The second alcoholic husband was found dead in 2015. I had cut off all contact with him about a year before his death. We get this one very short life to live. It is too damn precious to waste time in a bad marriage.

Again, JMO.


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## moon7 (May 5, 2013)

sparklingandbroken said:


> I got married last fall and hired my hair dresser and some of her staff to come to my mom's house to do hair and makeup for the bridal party. There is a woman who my husband knew--that's as much as I was ever told. Anytime the salon's commercial was on TV he'd be like oh there's "Ellen" (for the sake of this post). So at some point we had chit chatted here and there at the salon. Fast forward to the wedding day--she did makeup and then left. The lady who was coming from another bridal party to do MY hair ended up having to do all 6 bridesmaids updos and was very crabby and rude and the whole mood was low vibe. It was such a disappointing experience that I completely switched salons after the fact.
> 
> SO, last night a picture of her and my former hairdresser popped up when I was scrolling on FB and I said something casual in the group we were hanging out with like "Oh, so she went to this XYZ school?" which is where that majority of them went. My husband's sister says "Did you know he f*cked her?" My stomach dropped. It's not so much that I cared who he's been with, as long as I don't have to be face to face with them--especially unknowingly. It pisses me off that it was some big secret and I feel stupid that everyone but me apparently knew about it. I'm all "ohhh Ellen knows your brother!" on the wedding day and they were probably thinking yeah, cuz they used to sleep together. I wish he would have just been honest because I would have preferred to have someone else that he hasn't f*cked be a part of our wedding day.
> 
> I'm also pissed because I feel like hindsight is 20/20. She probably felt awkward and that's why she left earlier than what I had planned for and then had to deal with a crabby, rushed stylist to finish her job. He also has yet to apologize. He lies about dumb **** a lot and I am so over it. And he follows her on social media, and i think the fact that he ogles over her like a puppy really pisses me off now that I know they have history. Am I dumb for feeling this way? I think it's the secretive part that pisses me off the most.


OP, set boundaries.


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## SA2017 (Dec 27, 2016)

My husband hired our wedding photographer (female) because she was his "friend" and he liked her professional pictures. I chatted with her and exchanged pictures of how we want to get our pictures done.

found out (3 months after the wedding) that they had sex 1 year before I started dating him. I felt disgusted and was pretty mad about this. 
He had to unfriend her all over the social media and communications app. I found it very disrespectful and nasty to say at least. 

Some men just have a huge lack of taste when it comes to things like these.

smh


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

SA2017 said:


> My husband hired our wedding photographer (female) because she was his "friend" and he liked her professional pictures. I chatted with her and exchanged pictures of how we want to get our pictures done.
> 
> found out (3 months after the wedding) that they had sex 1 year before I started dating him. I felt disgusted and was pretty mad about this.
> He had to unfriend her all over the social media and communications app. I found it very disrespectful and nasty to say at least.
> ...


How does it affect you when you look at those photos today?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Confront him, let it play out, set some more ground rules, move on if you desire.

Best of luck.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

sparklingandbroken said:


> To be clear, she didn't do my makeup. I had been going to the same salon for over 10 years, this lady I am referring to worked at the same salon my stylist did for the duration. I've known her this whole time. When I started dating my husband, he would specifically point her out in the salon commercials. We've had multiple casual conversations about her. The only reason his sister knew anything about their past is because when my husband found out she'd be working our wedding, he specifically told his brother in law not to let me find out about their history. THAT'S my issue. He clearly found her involvement to be an issue, but not enough to let me in on it.


Look you just really need to calmly talk to your husband and find out why he didn't want you knowing and work it out. This isn't a massive issue depending on his reasoning. He could have just been trying to protect you as your wedding approached. He probably knew you would like it and wouldn't want her there. Then what would they be able to get you another stylist in time. He might have thought you didn't need that stress. 

I totally get that any dishonesty would bother you given your past relationship, but that was a past relationship. Just talk it out and listen to him and make sure he listens to you.


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## SA2017 (Dec 27, 2016)

Roselyn said:


> How does it affect you when you look at those photos today?


well, some pictures trigger me and I wish, I knew it so that I could hired someone else...someone who didn't sleep with my husband. But looking at my wedding pictures isn't that joyful anymore anyway, because he lied about so many things while I was all pure and real with him.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

SA2017 said:


> well, some pictures trigger me and I wish, I knew it so that I could hired someone else...someone who didn't sleep with my husband. But looking at my wedding pictures isn't that joyful anymore anyway, because he lied about so many things while I was all pure and real with him.


OP, I'm very sorry as this was your big day. Have you looked into seeing a psychologist, just to set your mind into healing? You can't change that day, but you can change your perspective. I hope that your husband has mended his way. This act is a huge betrayal & disrespect to you. However, you are married to him. I believe that healing begins with you.


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