# Going through rough times...husband left out of the blue for OW



## sam72 (Apr 22, 2016)

Long read, sorry...My DD had been with her high school sweetheart for 7 years, married over 2, they have 2 small children together. A couple of weeks ago he just pack his bags and left after NO warning or any sign or problems. He said he wasn't sure if he wanted to live married life so needed to go to a friends to think. It turns out he did know what he wanted in the form of another "woman" and was lying the entire time.My daughter made their lives hell and after a few days he came crying back saying he missed her and the kids too much, that him and the OW didn't have sex as he couldn't get aroused by her and so on, so everything seemed "perfect" again.

A few days later he did the EXACT same thing but this time said there weren't going to be other girls, he just wasn't happy being married any more (he is 22,her 23). He asked she keep it quiet as he wasn't sure again and needed time to think, what she found out within a day is that he wanted her to keep things quiet so he wouldn't be interrupted wooing this OW back. 

There have been a lot of issues in their relationship as far as him. He has never worked, she did and went to school and took care of the home/kids. He sat on the couch with a remote, got fat, did little to nothing to help, just together for so long they were where they were in their lives. I'm not just saying this because of my feelings for him right now, and whilst most of you are saying good riddance just based on that, it isn't an issue with my DD. 

So...she gets a text from the OW best friend right after the 2nd time he left saying she needs to "check her man" as he is begging for this OW back and got her a promise ring, sent flowers to her work and sobbed for her back, so we went and spoke to this girl about what was happening as it was getting ridiculous and the stories just weren't adding up. We both spoke to this girl, she admitted he had been doing that but she has no desire to have him back since he dumped her within a week the last time crying he missed his marriage. She seemed somewhat intelligent and i actually couldn't figure out what she saw in him tbh. Then she actually gave my DD the (diamond solitaire) ring he gave her and said you can have him and so on...it was a long discussion with her but we found out they had been physical, she stated in that 1st week alone she caught him in so many lies that she could see right away this wasn't worth it for someone she barely knew and she was glad she could finally give her side of the story and she was warned he will try with whatever words and ways he can to get her back again this 2nd time, she said that didnt matter he wasn't worth it.

But within hours my DD was getting messages from her ex AND the OW...low and behold they are back together! It had been literally less than 2 hours we spoke to her and 2 weeks since they met, she's aware he's no prize, but he used the right words and is showing off gifts and lavishing her trying to show what she thought/we told her about him isn't true, he's doing a good job and what's disgusting is he is doing things for her he wouldn't even think to lift a finger for when he was with my DD!! Apparently, now they state they are both in love (they've been together maybe 10 days if that), he is happy, he wants to take the kids overnight unsupervised(he's sleeping on friends couch) and my DD can "kick rocks" if she doesn't adhere to his wishes and the kids will know one day she kept them away out of spite!:/

When there is any contact he just glows about the OW and his happiness, whereas my DD is an absolute mess!! trying to take care of the kids, wondering what she did wrong, why they split, when are they going to break up? what if they never do? what if they live happily ever after? what can she do to get back at him? The first time when he stated there was no infidelity, she didn't take much issue but now it's confirmed the 2 were together she won't ever take him back...she finds that disgusting. 

So right now ALL she wants is him to get dumped, beg to come back so she can slam the door in his face and it's his turn to be miserable. I know there's others out there reading this saying this was/is my life and here's some answers....I've been sleeping over, helping with kids, being her emotional rock and trying to show her that they won't last. This OW is a rebound, the ex isn't a very nice person and him playing the role won't last, he's poorly educated, OW goes to university, he has no job/future, OW does, he doesn't "allow" his other half to go to bars and or have male friends unless they're his, this OW does both and has told him she won't put up with that so they've made an agreement he picks her up from the bar lol like really?!!?! 

Anyway, i feel like i am going insane, 2 weeks feels like years, watching her go through the pain is killing me, i want to kill him, he's being so ****y and just absolutely throwing all his "new found love and happiness" in her face and being nasty about it and bragging about how great they are as a couple and so on. Oddly enough he TRULY believes how he feels is real lol I've told my DD SO many times, IT WILL NOT LAST!! she flip flops and plays 1000 scenarios in her head all day not allowing any healing and coming up with the conclusion they will last. One of her biggest questions is how could he not miss his kids?? or her? but mainly the kids, why is he spending all of his physical/emotional time on someone after 2 weeks and not his own flesh and blood he's been around for 4, and he genuinely believes she should be handing over the kids when he wants, yet there's no court docs and could leave with them any time he wants! it's not a keeping away thing, it's a common sense thing, he says its because my DD just doesn't want them around this OW, but it's basic common sense why she wouldn't at this point, he's actually said that's ok i'll just marry this OW have kids with her and we're so damn happy and will be like that forever and says things like that to my DD. I've told her he's just in the moment, give it time, she says she can't...she can't understand how someone can just walk away.

I've told her to stay off fb and phone but she won't, she just wants him to be in pain and not driving off into the sunset with his "dream girl". What can i say?What can i do? She obsesses about it 24/7, the best results have come from ignoring him but she fills it with i bet they're doing this scenarios once again since she's not getting a reaction like she did the first time and when she does it's to tell her to go away. ALL she wants is them to be done, is that too much to ask?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Please edit your post and add paragraphs. It's very hard to read as a wall of text.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Your daughter needs to back off. She will not get him back stalking him. She might not get him back at all. But her behavior will only make things worse.

Take a look at the link in my signature block below for the 180. That is how she needs to be interacting with him from here on out.

Tell her that she needs to show him what life will be like without her. The 180 is one way to do that. Her filing for divorce is another way. He's moved out.. he needs to start paying child support. Reality needs to hit him.

As long as she keeps stalking and harassing him/them, it will drive him away. It will strengthen the affair. Let the affair stand on it's own.. most affairs fall apart in a short time... she needs to let the affair die on it's own.


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## sam72 (Apr 22, 2016)

I agree with what you said completely, i've also spoken to her about that and she said she' just not ready to do certain things even though she knows it's over and won't be back (things like packing up his clothes).

She has briefly spoken with a lawyer but not made any plans, she has told him she is, he says "take a hike", literally. Of course that angers her more because of her not understanding why or how anyone can do that. 

I will check the link, thanks!


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Your daughter needs to know that this WH is absolutely no good for her at all and she is better off with out him. He sounds like an entitled child who is absolutely good for nothing. She would be mad to take him back full stop.
Of course she is hurting and wants to inflict the same pain on him but that will only spiral into a black hole and she will go there too.

I suggest she tries to take control of her OWN life - leave him out of it
she needs to be together for her children, she is the one working, supporting the family, what does she need him for?
She should do the 180 on him and go no contact at all - no phone calls, anything

Help her to get a good counsellor to help her through this. She can take things at her own pace but she needs to establish a sense of peace and normalcy in the home and take it one step at a time. She is young and there are plenty of good men out there. Or her WH might grow up, he sounds immature and hardly more than a kid himself.

get a lawyer to see her rights and get papers drawn up including custody of the kids and a visitation arrangement for the WH, if possible visitation should be done through a third party.

This young man needs to know what he is about to lose and needs to face the consequences of his actions. He is not only messing with your DD life but the young innocent kids too. He really needs a 2X4. 
That is the best way for her to move ahead. Inflicting emotional pain, damage, etc is not going to bring her peace. Moving on and doing the right thing by her kids is.
If this young WH happens to grow up in the next year or so, then she might consider a relationship, but by then she may see that she has much more to offer a H who she can depend on and may not want him back. Time changes everything


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Wait until he gets hit with massive child support payments that he clearly cannot pay. Maybe after he neglects his support for the kids, she'll start to see him for the vermin he really is.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Sorry you and your daughter are going through this. I know it must break you heart to see you daughter treated so shabbily by such a loser. Was he always a player/ bad boy or did he just recently go rogue? 

Not working to support his family, while living off his wife? That doesn't sound like husband material. This POS doesn't want responsibility. Could explain why he married after having kids instead of before.

Your daughter is working and going to school to better herself. Continue to encourage that. You should gently encourage that she move on. This POS will be back once the other girl tires of this loser. She must steel herself to not accept him back. He's not going to change until he's forced to. The only way she should take him back is after he's completely turned his life around and he prove himself through actions that he's giving up the Peter Pan lifestyle. She needs a man not a boy.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

Clearly this 'man' is just a teenager, completely unready for responsibility such as being a father or a husband. She'll be so much better off without him!

Your daughter needs to let go of her desire to get revenge. Getting him out of her life will put her on a path to recovering from this awful marriage. She should refocus on herself and her children, and leave what happens to him up to him. It's normal to want someone to suffer as much as they've made you suffer, but it isn't productive to dwell on it. Him continuing to be himself is the best punishment for him.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

There is no possible way this turd can ever be worthy of her, much less a safe partner. Suggest your daughter moves on as fast as possible to save her children from the damage a life with this guy would inevitably cause. She'll be a glutton for punishment if she makes any effort to work this out, even under the guise of "slamming the door in his face" as revenge.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If he never works, where did he get the money to buy this POSOW gifts?

Tell your daughter to, if nothing else, CUT OFF ALL MONEY SOURCES.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

I don't think him cheating is the issue here. The problem was he was a loser before that even started anyway. Your daughter was basically taking care of three people. With him gone now its only two people, so she lightened her load. If she divorced him she could at least get child support from him.


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## QuietSoul (Feb 11, 2012)

I'm so sorry your daughter is going through this. She is blessed to have a mother who cares and is there to catch her and help her move forward with her life.

Her emotions and wishes right now are understandable, even if some of those will not serve her well in the long run. Her greif will run its course and in that time I hope she is able to move on from this manchild who has his head so far up his own arse that he even seems to be taking pleasure in the pain he is causing your DD. 

Gently encourage your DD to see a counsellor and to think practically and strategically now. She needs to guard herself and protect hers and the childrens' interests. 

Most important, remind her of her worth as a human being, as a daughter, a mother, and even as a wife who showed patience and grace even though she was hurt in the end. His behavior is a reflection on who he is, and has no bearing on her value. This **** isn't fair, but she deserves to be happy. 

Also, just an idea, but you could mention this forum. she would get a lot of support and insight here.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

sam72 said:


> Long read, sorry...My DD had been with her high school sweetheart for 7 years, married over 2, they have 2 small children together. A couple of weeks ago he just pack his bags and left after NO warning or any sign or problems. He said he wasn't sure if he wanted to live married life so needed to go to a friends to think. It turns out he did know what he wanted in the form of another "woman" and was lying the entire time.My daughter made their lives hell and after a few days he came crying back saying he missed her and the kids too much, that him and the OW didn't have sex as he couldn't get aroused by her and so on, so everything seemed "perfect" again.
> 
> A few days later he did the EXACT same thing but this time said there weren't going to be other girls, he just wasn't happy being married any more (he is 22,her 23). He asked she keep it quiet as he wasn't sure again and needed time to think, what she found out within a day is that he wanted her to keep things quiet so he wouldn't be interrupted wooing this OW back.
> 
> ...


Your daughter has mental problems of her own if she will put up with this loser. If ever a woman should ditch her husband, your d should.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jewels465 (Nov 20, 2014)

Sam, how is you ur daughter doing?


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## btterflykisses (Apr 29, 2016)

he is obviously a deadbeat. Your daughter should move on. I don't say this easily because I believe in marriage and family. She may still have a chance at happiness again as she is still young. Make sure she and the children are protected legally.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

She needs counselling and she needs to lawyer up. 

And she needs to be checked for STDs too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## oceanbreeze (Oct 8, 2007)

I'm starting to wonder if your daughter only needed him as a security emotional blanket because she is going to school while working and raising a family! I feel her husband is a false sense of support and by him "taking away" himself to someone else she feels the image of a male in her home has shaken her. 

I agree with the other comments. Continue to support her with the children. Refer her to a lawyer and a therapist to help walk her through the process.


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

I don't believe anyone should be marrying their "highschool sweet hearts" in this day in age. People don't mature until they are over 25. Having kids, should be later still.

She's growing up one way, he's growing up another. The OW seems nutty too. As others have said, get her therapy and get a lawyer to FILE Divorce papers and demand that he start paying child support NOW.
Change the locks. She has the kids. He forfeit many of his rights when he cheated and ran-away with the OW.

As a parent, she does have the rights to protect her children from others. Its not about revenge or what-not. She needs to do 180 for herself... and help your daughter out as much as possible.

Everyone here, who has been betrayed (BS), knows WHAT she is going through. Therapy will HELP. Don't let doctors get her on Xanax, that crap is addictive and is a crappy drug overall. Just something to calm the nerves like Gabapentin that isn't addictive and can be skipped or stopped taking on your own.

It is Wed. File the paperwork by Friday.
1 - remove ALL of his belongings, carefully packed in boxes. Put them in a storage unit (30 days) and give him the key. Its up to him to get his junk and or pay for storage.
2 - Change the locks and stay with your daughter.
3 - File a TRO (Temp. Restraining Order) preventing him from entry to home.
4 - File for child support for the two children.
5 - File for custody of the children. Primary. If he does drugs or drinking or anything that is problematic - time to create the history log.
6 - File for divorce. Give him the option to go into mediation. Get your A-plan ready and say "get this over quick, and you can begin your life as a single man faster, you will lose in court anyway". Your daughter has a work and school history... they will improve how she looks to the court. If you go mediation, a divorce can be done for $200~$1500 in 30~90 days; depending on the state. Otherwise, a long-drawn out divorce/custody battle cane be 1-3 years costing $20,000~80,000 with pretty much the same results. But more pissed off people and suffering children.

7 - Daughter needs therapy and support, time for herself and know that SHE can find someone better in the future. She is YOUNG at 23.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

How's she doing?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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