# What to do now



## Taschen7 (Dec 25, 2017)

My wife and I have been married for 3 years. Before that, we dated for 9. I am 30 and she is 29. No kids yet. It has been a long, healthy, happy relationship with very few mostly minor hiccups.

She is a resident physician and currently in the middle of her final year of residency. About six months ago a new batch of interns began residency, as happens every year, and as usual she quickly made friends with most of them. There was one in particular she appeared to get very close with very quickly. At first I thought they were just bound to be close friends, later on I thought that maybe they liked each other. It wasn't until the past few weeks that I picked up on some subtle clues that it may be advancing into a real relationship. Still, I thought I was being paranoid because it would be so out of left field and completely out of character for her.

Then, I spent this past week out of town to visit with some old friends and family in my hometown before the holidays. She was unable to join because of her work obligations with residency. This isn't abnormal for us as we are apart for a week or more at least a couple times each year because of our work schedules. I picked up on some other clues while I was gone - mostly some inconsistencies in her explanation of what she was doing on her days off, which sometimes involved the new friend in question.

After looking into it more, I was able to find out with certainty that for about a month and a half prior to my leaving, they had shared with each other that they liked each other and had gone on at least two dates. I figured out that one of those times she did tell me she was going to meet up with him for a drink after work. The other time she made it sound like it was a bunch of friends from work. However, I still did not know what had happened while I was away. 

Here I feel I should also add a couple more things for context. First, he is single. Second, one of the things that made me think I was being crazy during this time period was the affection she showed toward me. I always thought that if my wife were to turn her attention elsewhere, she would distance herself from me at home, at least a little bit, and probably do less with me socially. However, that wasn't what occurred. She was just as affectionate, loving, and caring toward me during this time period as ever. Our sex life was not affected at all and if anything may have been enhanced. About the only difference I could notice was that when we had some downtime at the end of day instead of browsing the internet she would be texting with someone else a lot more. 

When I returned yesterday morning she seemed genuinely happy I had returned. She actually greeted me outside our door, which was a first, and was as affectionate, cuddly, and attentive to me as ever. At that point I thought that, yes, maybe she had a crush on this guy but that she had probably realized when I was gone that I was more important and perhaps was moving on. Although I was still nervous about everything, I basically put it out of my mind and pretended everything was normal. We were even intimate together after not too long. During that, I noticed a bruise on her breast that looked to me to be in the shape of teeth marks. She noticed that I noticed and afterward had a long story about some office furniture at work. It raised my suspicions again.

Then, later on I was able to confirm my suspicions with certainty. Not only did they consummate their relationship at least twice while I was away, but I also discovered her feelings for him continue to be strong and she shows no signs of slowing down or regret.

I am shocked about all of this to say the least. I never, ever, suspected this and now I don't know what to do. I am surprised that at this point the next day I still am not seriously considering leaving and ending the relationship. However, I'm not sure if I am being too naive by not taking that option more seriously. I am deeply in love with her and, at least up until this point, was 100% committed to our marriage. Not just because of my affection for her, but because she is the best friend I've ever had, and I always felt we made a great team for raising a family, meeting our professional goals, and sharing all that life has to offer for as long as we are both blessed to be on this earth. 

I had never doubted that she felt the same. But now I do. I feel that if she did, she would have taken a detour as soon as she realized she had feelings for him and not let it progress as it obviously would jeopardize all of that. Now I think that maybe for her, despite being in love with me, our relationship and our marriage is more of a matter of present convenience for her. The thought that I could lose her is devastating to me. But the realization that I have lost so much trust in her is equally devastating.

At this point I am as confused as ever. She was again very affectionate to me this morning before she had to leave for work. She could tell that something was wrong and that I hadn't slept. I told her I have a bad stomach ache - which is true. I have no idea what to do when she gets home today and we are supposed to have Christmas dinner. It seems almost impossible to go on as if nothing has happened - but is there any value in waiting at least a few days to see if anything changes? Or should I confront her about it? I feel as if their relationship is advancing very rapidly, and if I have any hope of getting her to re-commit to me and save our marriage, that has to happen ASAP, starting with clearing the air. But I have no idea how I will get over the inevitable trust issues. Am I being too naive about the situation? Is there any hope to save this marriage?

Thank you so much for your attention and any insight you can offer.


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## Bonkers (Nov 26, 2017)

Taschen7 said:


> It seems almost impossible to go on as if nothing has happened - but is there any value in waiting at least a few days to see if anything changes? Or should I confront her about it?


Of course it's impossible to go on as if nothing happened, you just found out your wife is having sex with another guy! Of course you should confront her, even better throw all her possessions outside the house and move all her crap out of your bedroom and she'll figure it out soon enough. 

You want any chance of saving this thing you need to get tough and rock her world- immediately.

Consider Christmas dinner to be canceled.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

@Taschen7,

It's holiday, things will be slow. Get yourself up to speed with these links while you wait for others to come along. 

Whatever you do, be decisive. You must first get out of infidelity for you to move forward with your life. That means either reconciliation of divorce. Many waywards will grasp at straws to keep their affair going and put off making a decision, that's why she must understand there is no third choice. Just because you love her doesn't mean you will share her with another man.


Tactical Primer

Welcome TAM CWI newbies- please read this

Anatomy of an Affair


Best


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## BadGrammar (Oct 29, 2017)

Confront her now. Don't worry about spoiling her Christmas, she has spoiled yours forever. This is the perfect day to make her feel the magnitude of what she has done. Show her your evidence and kick her out immediately. Let her spend this day and the rest of the holidays in shame and isolation. Expose her and the OM to her workplace ASAP. Expose her to your family and friends ASAP. She may go to her parents. If so, call them immediately after she leaves and fill them in. She should have no place of comfort at this time. Not even in the bosom of her family. Undoubtedly you will be doing this through a veil of sadness and despair, but you must take charge of this situation and your life. Good Luck.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

BadGrammar said:


> Confront her now. Don't worry about spoiling her Christmas, she has spoiled yours forever. This is the perfect day to make her feel the magnitude of what she has done. Show her your evidence and kick her out immediately. Let her spend this day and the rest of the holidays in shame and isolation. Expose her and the OM to her workplace ASAP. Expose her to your family and friends ASAP. Undoubtedly you will be doing this through a veil of sadness and despair, but you must take charge of this situation and your life. Good Luck.


This


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

Ill never understand people who just sit around and do nothing while their spouse goes out and cheats on them. You know she probably has blown the guy, then came home and kissed you on the lips. Does that not make you angry at all? You sitting around doing nothing only hurts yourself. She has already done all the damage she can, you are now doing all the damage to yourself at this point. SNAP OUT OF IT MAN!


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## BadGrammar (Oct 29, 2017)

I would use the time before she returns home to pack her bags. Have them ready when she walks in.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

Pack a small bag of cloths and go to her job. Hand her the evidence at the nurses station. Call out his name. "WHERE IS SO AND SO WHOSE BEEN SLEEPING WITH MY WIFE ? ". As security approaches leave her bag of cloths and walk out the door.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Taschen7 said:


> My wife and I have been married for 3 years. Before that, we dated for 9. I am 30 and she is 29. No kids yet. It has been a long, healthy, happy relationship with very few mostly minor hiccups.
> 
> She is a resident physician and currently in the middle of her final year of residency. About six months ago a new batch of interns began residency, as happens every year, and as usual she quickly made friends with most of them. There was one in particular she appeared to get very close with very quickly. At first I thought they were just bound to be close friends, later on I thought that maybe they liked each other. It wasn't until the past few weeks that I picked up on some subtle clues that it may be advancing into a real relationship. Still, I thought I was being paranoid because it would be so out of left field and completely out of character for her.
> 
> ...


You need to get very strong and stand up for yourself. Do not giver her any options. He's gone or you are and do not give ultimatums that you aren't willing to back up immediately.

Do not give her more than a minute to end it in front of you!!!!

Your actions upfront will set the tone. If you are weak and let her have control of this situation you lose.

Do not jump into marriage counciling or offer her Reconcillition upfront. This is new to you and you are in shock. Your feelings will change daily. You must take the time you need to decide what you want which will take some time. This should be as much as you need.

Do not leave your home under any circumstance!!!!!! If she wants a separation it will be to make more time for her other man. If she leaves file immediately.

Stand up and do not back down if you do you lose. The ones who get strong quick come out of these situations much better than those who don't.

Never be a doormat or live in infidelity. That will just cause you more damage than you can imagine.

Good luck and keep posting. You'll get good advice but it will do you no good if you don't apply it.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Broken_in_Brooklyn said:


> Pack a small bag of cloths and go to her job. Hand her the evidence at the nurses station. Call out his name. "WHERE IS SO AND SO WHOSE BEEN SLEEPING WITH MY WIFE ? ". As security approaches leave her bag of cloths and walk out the door.


Excellent advice. Exposure will normally end the affair. If it doesn't you didn't have anything to lose anyway.

You set back you'll cause even more damage.

Better wake the hell up!!!!!!!!!


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## Bonkers (Nov 26, 2017)

Marc878 said:


> Excellent advice. Exposure will normally end the affair. If it doesn't you didn't have anything to lose anyway.


It's not excellent advice, if she loses her job as a result of the workplace affair and they subsequently divorce, her involuntary unemployment can have huge ramifications when it comes to spousal and child support.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Bonkers said:


> It's not excellent advice, if she loses her job as a result of the workplace affair and they subsequently divorce, her involuntary unemployment can have huge ramifications when it comes to spousal and child support.


Not necessarily.

If you'd read his post you'd see They have no children. 

If it's a fault state adultery means no alimony. If she's fired with cause that can play as well.

Only been married 3 years she'll not get alimony either.


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## Bonkers (Nov 26, 2017)

Marc878 said:


> Not necessarily.
> 
> If you'd read his post you'd see They have no children.
> 
> ...


Every state in this country has no fault divorce. A select few consider fault when making support payments but it must be proven which is a costly and uncertain battle.

If she's fired because of workplace misconduct a court probably won't penalize her for it. 

Lots of courts award alimony following short term marriages even if only for a short period of time but yes the short term marriage is consideration. 

I think running around like a madman and causing a scene at her workplace will accomplish nothing. Unless he's desperate to try to save the marriage and is using the old "expose and break the affair fog" strategy. 

But given the short term marriage and no children there's just no good reason to try to save it.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Bonkers said:


> Every state in this country has no fault divorce. A select few consider fault when making support payments but it must be proven which is a costly and uncertain battle.
> 
> If she's fired because of workplace misconduct a court probably won't penalize her for it.
> 
> ...


I wouldn't either but consequences are a good thing. He could do this without much fanfare.

Just drop of a suitcase with her clothes neatly packed to her boyfriend and tell him he can have her.

I think that would work better than the usual "cry, beg and plead" get strung along for a year or so which is what normally happens.


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## Bonkers (Nov 26, 2017)

Marc878 said:


> I think that would work better than the usual "cry, beg and plead" get strung along for a year or so which is what normally happens.


Anything is better than the "cry, beg and plead". 

That much being said there are better options than making a workplace scene. 

My choice would be to simply walk away, the cheater is just not worth the time and effort.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Bonkers said:


> Anything is better than the "cry, beg and plead".
> 
> That much being said there are better options than making a workplace scene.
> 
> My choice would be to simply walk away, the cheater is just not worth the time and effort.


IMO consequences done right get you a measure of closure.

I never just walk away from being wronged. 

But to each his own


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

Read the first post. They are only married 3 years. Spousal support?? She is a doctor. She is quite capable of supporting herself. And him too. 

There will be no alimony and no spousal support. She gets fired she can get a job somewhere else in 2 seconds.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

Confront ASAP. Expose. Exposure via email, phone call, social media. Blow this **** up and fast. If you do not she will change the narrative, making you the reason for split.. Do not divulge how you obtained evidence.

Do not grovel and do the pick me dance. Women only respect strength.

You need her gone so you can have space to decide your course of action. Ask her to leave tonight. The fact that it is Christmas is irrelevant, in fact the fact that it is Christmas makes it more of a psychological blow to her. If you are with family, stand up and say you have an announcement. Announce her betrayal to all. 

Shock n awe brother. Sorry you are here, but you must move out of infidelity. You have to use the element of surprise to your advantage. Contact POSOM in front of her and tell him she is all his.

I would also report this to her supervisor. Get you a shark lawyer.


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## Bonkers (Nov 26, 2017)

Broken_in_Brooklyn said:


> Read the first post. They are only married 3 years. Spousal support?? She is a doctor. She is quite capable of supporting herself. And him too.


He'd lose any spousal support she would be paying to HIM. 



Broken_in_Brooklyn said:


> There will be no alimony and no spousal support. She gets fired she can get a job somewhere else in 2 seconds.


You don't know this. If she was fired from her workplace due to improper conduct, she just might have difficulty finding another job with that black mark on her record. To say "oh, she'll just get another job in 2 seconds" is reckless.


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## Bonkers (Nov 26, 2017)

Lonely husband 42301 said:


> Confront ASAP. Expose. Exposure via email, phone call, social media. Blow this **** up and fast. If you do not she will change the narrative, making you the reason for split..


Who cares what reasons she makes up or what narrative gets changed?

It means nothing.


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## Ghost Rider (Mar 6, 2017)

Taschen, just curious, how did you confirm that they were having sex?


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Are you a man or what? How can you even be thinking what are you going to do. Unless you like/get off on the lifestyle of a cuckold, you need to immediately discard your skanky wife. Lord what is going on with today's men that they do not know how to be a man.

OP as a man your respond should only be: it does not matter WHEN, WHO, WHY, WHERE, only that she did. Marriage over. This is what real men do all over the world, except the small percentage of lost beta men that without their woman they can't function. Grow a pair, be a man, stop wallowing in self pity and do what most be done, period. Later on you'll thanks yourself that you were able to keep your self respect as a man.


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## Ghost Rider (Mar 6, 2017)

Rob_1 said:


> Are you a man or what? How can you even be thinking what are you going to do. Unless you like/get off on the lifestyle of a cuckold, you need to immediately discard your skanky wife. Lord what is going on with today's men that they do not know how to be a man.
> 
> OP as a man your respond should only be: it does not matter WHEN, WHO, WHY, WHERE, only that she did. Marriage over. This is what real men do all over the world, except the small percentage of lost beta men that without their woman they can't function. Grow a pair, be a man, stop wallowing in self pity and do what most be done, period. Later on you'll thanks yourself that you were able to keep your self respect as a man.


I'm sorry but I just don't understand this **** and it goes on a lot in this particular forum. You're not being helpful or supportive to the OP. You're just getting your rocks off on being a **** to him. He is in a stage of shock and grief that will likely take him months to get through. It's fine for him to take a certain amount of time to grieve and to process this. There is no rush for him to do anything in particular right now.

He's going through enough already. He doesn't need your **** on top of it.


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## Ghost Rider (Mar 6, 2017)

@Taschen7, you can also go to SI, or SurvivingInfidelity.com, where they can give you good advice, similar to the advice given here, except without anyone feeling the need to be a prick to you and stomp your guts out for having the slightest amount of doubt or reservation about what to do in the face of your entire world crashing down on you.


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## Bonkers (Nov 26, 2017)

Ghost Rider said:


> I'm sorry but I just don't understand this **** and it goes on a lot in this particular forum. You're not being helpful or supportive to the OP. You're just getting your rocks off on being a **** to him. He is in a stage of shock and grief that will likely take him months to get through. It's fine for him to take a certain amount of time to grieve and to process this. There is no rush for him to do anything in particular right now.
> 
> He's going through enough already. He doesn't need your **** on top of it.


Agreed. 

My guess is that guys like @Rob_1 who beat up on newcomers in crisis acted like complete wimps when it happened to them, so they're projecting their feelings of abject failure onto anyone else who shows up with a similar situation to their own, as a sort of "redemption" for their own lack of action when it was their turn to step up and "be a man" and yet they were complete failures when it mattered most.


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## BadGrammar (Oct 29, 2017)

Exposure at her place of work is an absolute must. Beyond the boundaries of her marriage, the WW and the OM have most likely breached the hospital's code of conduct. If their affair is being conducted in whole or in part at the hospital itself, then this is certainly the case. She has the most to lose, and rightfully so. As a resident physician, conducting a sexual affair with an intern should be grounds for immediate dismissal. In any case, they have both disregarded standard moral and ethical boundaries and should suffer the consequences.


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## Bonkers (Nov 26, 2017)

BadGrammar said:


> Exposure at her place of work is an absolute must. Beyond the boundaries of her marriage, the WW and the OM have most likely breached the hospital's code of conduct. If their affair is being conducted in whole or in part at the hospital itself, then this is certainly the case. She has the most to lose, and rightfully so. As a resident physician, conducting a sexual affair with an intern should be grounds for immediate dismissal. In any case, they have both disregarded standard moral and ethical boundaries and should suffer the consequences.


 @BadGrammar since you seem to be well versed in medical workplace ethics, what do you suppose her odds of immediate re-employment will be following such a dismissal?


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## BadGrammar (Oct 29, 2017)

Bonkers said:


> @BadGrammar since you seem to be well versed in medical workplace ethics, what do you suppose her odds of immediate re-employment will be following such a dismissal?


That is not my concern. Nor should it be the concern of the OP.


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## MyRevelation (Apr 12, 2016)

Broken_in_Brooklyn said:


> Pack a small bag of cloths and go to her job. Hand her the evidence at the nurses station. Call out his name. "WHERE IS SO AND SO WHOSE BEEN SLEEPING WITH MY WIFE ? ". As security approaches leave her bag of cloths and walk out the door.


Spot on!!!

Relatively short M, no kids ... she's not M material. Time to cut losses and there's nothing like scorched earth to preserve your self respect.

I know it's tough to absorb, but you've got the perfect opportunity to get yourself out of infidelity, and blow up WW and OM in one awesome FU. Time to think of yourself and how you can builders a solid foundation for the future on your dignity and self respect.


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## MyRevelation (Apr 12, 2016)

BadGrammar said:


> Bonkers said:
> 
> 
> > @BadGrammar since you seem to be well versed in medical workplace ethics, what do you suppose her odds of immediate re-employment will be following such a dismissal?
> ...


Exactly ... I'll never understand how some males are so afraid of standing up for themselves.


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## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

Taschen7 said:


> She was just as affectionate, loving, and caring toward me during this time period as ever. Our sex life was not affected at all and if anything may have been enhanced.


Most of the time wayward spouses (WS) vilify their betrayed spouse (BS) in an effort to rationalize and justify their affair. i.e. They deserve an affair because their spouse is a jerk. Normally they blow up small things and make an issue of them. The BS will say that they couldn’t do anything right.

Your wife isn’t doing that. To me that indicates that she likes you just fine and doesn’t feel like she’s doing anything wrong. It’s just sex and what you don’t know won’t hurt you. When you confront her she will be sorry for hurting you but not for the sex.



Taschen7 said:


> Not only did they consummate their relationship at least twice while I was away, but I also discovered her feelings for him continue to be strong and she shows no signs of slowing down or regret.


My bet is that she never intended to leave you. In her mind she was faithful to you in the way that matters most to her (i.e. your relationship). Until caught her affair was free and fun. Affair partners (AP) often express their love for each other to make their affair seem less cheap. That’s why you expose. To get them out of fantasy land.



Taschen7 said:


> I am deeply in love with her and, at least up until this point, was 100% committed to our marriage. Not just because of my affection for her, but because she is the best friend I've ever had, and I always felt we made a great team for raising a family, meeting our professional goals, and sharing all that life has to offer for as long as we are both blessed to be on this earth.


You may very well be her best friend and she may love you like a brother. The advantage the other man (OM) has is that he’s new. To understand this please search for the 20 minute TED Talk by Helen Fisher: Why we love, Why we cheat.

You MUST put divorce on the table as a possibility. So many make the mistake of going straight to forgiving their WS and saving the marriage. That sends a bad message. If you do something bad and there are no consequences then it’s reasonable to assume that what you did wasn’t that bad after all. If you beg her to stay she probably will but what message did you send? You love her so much that she can do anything? She will not respect you after that. One reason that she had the affair is that you were so reliable that she could take you for granted. Begging her to stay only proves that she can continue to do so. 

If you beg her to stay she will spend the rest of your marriage being very careful and having some guy on the side. Why not? Affairs are fun. What will you do if by some miracle you catch her again? 

Do what BadGrammar recommended. She needs to envision the possibility of losing you and all you provide to the relationship. Either R or D it's the way to go. You may not want her after what she has done but it's also the best way to keep her.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

LOL. Its Xmas day and he should sit home and wait for her to come home to to a Xmas family meal that I am sure he helped prepare knowing she just slepted with another man and kissed him "Welcome home honey, I missed you!". 

In the OP's particular situation if there is a perfect day and way to expose it's today at her job. If she is terminated for violating a HR policy at her job too f'ng bad. Her conduct precipitated the dismissal, not his. 

30 years from now he will have a great story to tell about the lying cheater he had to dump on Xmas day and how he did it. Her, well maybe she wont betray her next partner going forward.

He owes her no consideration. Zero. The same consideration she showed him. 

OP, dump her today and fast.


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

Consequences should be swift, harsh, and unyielding. This will either have the effect of saving the relationship, or allowing you to move on from a broken relationship with dignity. 

It sounds like you have iron-clad evidence that you're basing this on. I hope this is true. Expose the affair to her friends and family, your own friends and family, and HR at her workplace. Find out where the other man lives through the Internet. Have a suitcase full of her things packed in the trunk. When she gets home, tell her you want to take a drive before Christmas dinner. Take her directly to the other man's house, remove her suitcase from the trunk, and gently assist her in getting out of the car. When she acts confused, remind her that this this her boyfriend's house and you believe he'd be willing to take her in for the night, based on their recent sexual history together. 

Legally, you cannot kick her out of her residence. So she might still insist on staying at home. If so, make arrangements for yourself to stay at a hotel and do not disclose the location to her. 

Keep all of your monitoring devices in place. Never reveal your source of information or exactly how much you know. She will be in desperate CYA mode, attempting to cop to only the bare minimum of what you've discovered. Your position should be that she's a cheat, and has probably always been one with different men, before, during, and after your wedding.

After she's tasted shame for a few days, offer to meet her desperate demands to give her side of the story. Explain that you expect a full confession of every relationship she's taken part in since your engagement and every sex act. Anything short of that will result in immediate termination of the meeting and forthcoming divorce papers. Be cold and businesslike in all your dealings with her. Let her see a side of you that she didn't know existed--a side that will cause her to treat you with respect and fear.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Taschen7 said:


> My wife and I have been married for 3 years. Before that, we dated for 9. I am 30 and she is 29. No kids yet. It has been a long, healthy, happy relationship with very few mostly minor hiccups.
> 
> She is a resident physician and currently in the middle of her final year of residency. About six months ago a new batch of interns began residency, as happens every year, and as usual she quickly made friends with most of them. There was one in particular she appeared to get very close with very quickly. At first I thought they were just bound to be close friends, later on I thought that maybe they liked each other. It wasn't until the past few weeks that I picked up on some subtle clues that it may be advancing into a real relationship. Still, I thought I was being paranoid because it would be so out of left field and completely out of character for her.
> 
> ...


Married only 3 years and no kids.

This is easy — pull the plug.

File for divorce ASAP.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Taschen7 said:


> My wife and I have been married for 3 years. Before that, we dated for 9. I am 30 and she is 29. No kids yet. It has been a long, healthy, happy relationship with very few mostly minor hiccups.
> 
> She is a resident physician and currently in the middle of her final year of residency. About six months ago a new batch of interns began residency, as happens every year, and as usual she quickly made friends with most of them. There was one in particular she appeared to get very close with very quickly. At first I thought they were just bound to be close friends, later on I thought that maybe they liked each other. It wasn't until the past few weeks that I picked up on some subtle clues that it may be advancing into a real relationship. Still, I thought I was being paranoid because it would be so out of left field and completely out of character for her.
> 
> ...


If you have evidence, confront her tonight. Get angry that she is treating you like a cockold. She is lying and deceiving you. What else do you want after this. 

Pack her stuff and have it waiting at the front door. Tell her to call her bf and come get her lying, cheating azz. That you won’t put up with this type of thing. 

Show strength now to save the marriage. 

Play the chose me game and you will loose the marriage. 

I would kick her out and fill for divorce if it was me in this situation.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

@Taschen7

When you can get yourself up to 30,000 feet, look down on your life and what she has done to implode it, you will understand what the others are saying.

Breaking trust so early in a marriage, when things should be easy, is not a good sign of longevity. What will you think about each time she's out of your sight? How long can you monitor her? Do you want to live like that?


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

Sir, times like these call for bold measures. The first step is to confront. Immediately after confrontation exposure must occur, and occur swiftly. Consequences must be experienced by her via making her leave. She must experience harsh consequences. 

Do not be timid. Be bold.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

If you want any chance of saving your marriage (R) then read the thread by Lonely Husband. If you do not want to read that much then take his posts on this thread very seriously. Some of the other posts are excellent also but Lonely Husband has over 2 years of successful R and action and consequences right now are very important. Betrayal is a NUKE to a marriage.

If you want to D then you do not have the huge problems of children and finances. You only have to heal your bleeding emotions which can get a LOT better in time if you take the right actions. Do not fool yourself, what your wife did will last many years; the pain will either be very light or very painful depending on what you do.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Why are you so loyal to a woman who betrayed your trust... Repeatedly?

Why do you love a woman who you know has cheated on you and then had sex with you? Disgusting! Have you tested for STDs? Guess what? What she did is not a loving gesture, at all. It was the epitome of disrespectful, to you and the marriage. It very well RISKED YOUR HEALTH. Have you zero self - respect? Find your anger. 

I realize your mind is reeling and you're clearly intelligent given your analyzing and reasoning. But this is not the kind of situation you can reason away or explain or analyze, unless you want to stay in limbo hell forever. This requires action, decisiveness, assuredness and no regrets.

1. Put her **** in bags.
2. Throw them on the front lawn.
3. Tell her to leave. Where she goes is not your problem now.
4. Call her family and tell them what she did and why you refuse to stay married to someone who doesn't value marriage.
5. Hire a lawyer (move this to #1 if you're too afraid of executing 2 through 4).
6. Divorce.

For a doctor, she's not too bright. And she wouldn't be the first doctor to cheat. There ARE women with more integrity. After you heal, seek out one of them. I'm not against R, but your wife is not remorseful or she would have already confessed. You know exactly where she stands. Now you figure out where you stand.


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> Married only 3 years and no kids.
> 
> This is easy — pull the plug.
> 
> File for divorce ASAP.


Dated for nine years before that.

It's "easy" because it's his marriage, not yours.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

How is it going @Taschen7?

Any resolution?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

azteca1986 said:


> Dated for nine years before that.
> 
> It's "easy" because it's his marriage, not yours.


Once he realizes that all of the things that make it _not_ easy for him don’t matter (at all), it will be easy for him.

The 9 years, collectively, is one of those things.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

azteca1986 said:


> Dated for nine years before that.
> 
> It's "easy" because it's his marriage, not yours.


All true. But the proper path as prescribed by Gus IMO is correct.


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## vej36 (Dec 23, 2017)

A man too SCARED to face the TRUTH about his cheating- Hypergamous wife is man who will allow himself to be abused by women in his future relationships. GET OUT....NOW...


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

You say she is/was your best friend. Best friends don't betray, lie, and cheat! She is not who you thought she was. She is the person who is capable of intentional betrayals and lies.

I hope you are doing ok today.


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

Yeswecan said:


> All true. But the proper path as prescribed by Gus IMO is correct.


If there's a path in that post, I must have missed it. If the obvious response to getting betrayed was as "easy" as filing for divorce asap, I doubt the OP would have bothered posting here. 

Besides which, IMO a better path is:

1. Be _prepared_ to divorce
2. See a lawyer to understand what divorce will look like in your case

Not letting the cheating spouse drive the relationship by taking action will help the BS get a foothold amidst the inevitable disorientation.


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## Ghost Rider (Mar 6, 2017)

azteca1986 said:


> Dated for nine years before that.
> 
> It's "easy" because it's his marriage, not yours.


That's Gus's advice for anyone and everyone, for anything. In more than 9 months in this forum, I don't think I have seen him give any other advice but "divorce" in nice, easy one-liners.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

azteca1986 said:


> If there's a path in that post, I must have missed it. If the obvious response to getting betrayed was as "easy" as filing for divorce asap, I doubt the OP would have bothered posting here.
> 
> Besides which, IMO a better path is:
> 
> ...


I offered not a path, but a destination.

The 180 will help him with the path.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Ghost Rider said:


> That's Gus's advice for anyone and everyone, for anything. In more than 9 months in this forum, I don't think I have seen him give any other advice but "divorce" in nice, easy one-liners.


Once upon a time I offered much more, but, after a while, I realized that it was wasted on the vast majority of BH’s.

You are one such BH, which is why I chose not to respond to a specific post in your initial thread — I figured you’d get there eventually, but, after a year + 4 days in the slog, I’m guessing you haven’t.

And BTW, it turns out divorce is exactly the correct response once one has discovered that his or her spouse has been ****ing someone else.

So how’s your divorce going?


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## Ghost Rider (Mar 6, 2017)

GusPolinski said:


> Once upon a time I offered much more, but, after a while, I realized that it was wasted on the vast majority of BH’s.
> 
> You are one such BH, which is why I chose not to respond to a specific post in your initial thread — I figured you’d get there eventually, but, after a year + 4 days in the slog, I’m guessing you haven’t.
> 
> ...


I'm not trying to threadjack, but it will happen.

In any case, I just think that new posters here should be aware of where their advice comes from. I think if someone advises me to do something, it is helpful in evaluating the quality of that advice to know that the person never, ever advises anyone to do anything else. I think it's helpful to know when what people are telling you to do is stock advice based on projection and "history" and "statistics" and not really on anything you said. I think it's helpful to know when no one really bothered to listen to you or wishes to do so. I think betrayed husbands who come here should know that, in addition to the shock and grief and depression they are experiencing from their entire worlds being shattered, they will be treated like **** here in this forum.

Much of the time, it's not even about the advice given, but rather the thoughtless, glib, and sometimes cruel manner in which it is handed out.

They have a right to know.


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## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

vej36 said:


> A man too SCARED to face the TRUTH about his cheating- Hypergamous wife is man who will allow himself to be abused by women in his future relationships. GET OUT....NOW...


Do you have any advice to offer this OP or are you just on TAM as an outlet for your misogynistic pronouncements?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

vej36 said:


> A man too SCARED to face the TRUTH about his cheating- Hypergamous wife is man who will allow himself to be abused by women in his future relationships. GET OUT....NOW...


That's unhelpful.

You are presuming he is "too scared to face the truth"

I think that's a presumption too far.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Taschen, you have a bargaining chip that is bigger than all outdoors. She is in her last year of residency. She must complete the program, or she will not be a certified specialist, she will not be able to add FACP/FACS. AND the OM is in his first year of res? He is ****ed as well. I know this intimately as my child has finshed res and is now in practice.

You sir, hold both of their fates in your hand. Now, you should confront ASAP. You have your evidence and all it will take is for you to say that you are going to be reporting both of them to hospital administration, and that should shake her out of the affair fog ASAFP. You can then decide how you wish to proceed from there. On a personal note, you have no children, and unfortunately, you no longer have a shred of trust. You are young, young enough to be one of my own children. If this was happening to either, I would counsel them to terminate the relationship. This is a behavior that is known to repeat. Why subject yourself to this? Secondarily, you should be seeing a legal rep. Based on where you live, if she finishes her program, she will be in the chips, and you could be looking at some fairly good financial settlements.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Let's face it - EVERYONE is scared of change, even those of us who have learned to put our foot down over things.

The only difference is that we do not let our fear control our actions ultimately. But we all feel fear, the same as you, OP.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

Ghost Rider said:


> I think betrayed husbands who come here should know that, in addition to the shock and grief and depression they are experiencing from their entire worlds being shattered, they will be treated like **** here in this forum.
> 
> Much of the time, it's not even about the advice given, but rather the thoughtless, glib, and sometimes cruel manner in which it is handed out.
> 
> They have a right to know.


I first came across this forum several years ago right after finding out that my girlfriend/fiance had cheated on me during our first four months together and that she had only chosen me after the other guy only wanted her for sex. I was in shock and trying to balance the fact that she had been loyal to me for three years after those initial four months. After my initial post, I was inundated with replies telling me to dump her. When I communicated that I need more time to process this before following their advice to end my 3 1/2 year relationship, most of those replying were either annoyed with me or hostile with me. 

I then left this forum and didn't return for a long time. I wish more people would understand that a bit of patience and empathy would go a long way to help posters who are now suddenly dealing with the worst pain of their lives.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

Gus does not say divorce every time. I can think of one thread recently. LOL 

OP is only aware of these present incidences. He has no idea if she has cuckolded him in the past. Does anyone here trust her to be honest? 

The level of deception it takes to act completely normal while sleeping with someone else tells you how cold heart-ed and devious they are. A very selfish person. 

The majority of posters here who reconciled here after infidelity have stated years later they wished they had simply divorced, it was not worth the effort. Lets not count the posters here who reconciled only to find their partner again in an affair with same partner or a new affair partner. Rinse, wash, repeat. 

Why bother? Life is too short to look at a women daily who spread her legs to another man behind your back, Then kissed you and had sex with you. 

These 2 are in their 20s. No children. Good jobs. Good education, Lots of opportunities. They both have plenty of time to meet other people and move on. She can go find a guy who is ok with her seeing guys on the side. OP can meet someone who respects the promises made in marriage.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

In reality the marriage ended when she boinked her new boyfriend. 

It’s a short marriage with no kids. 

He can choose to wallow in the mire of infidelity or move on (like his wayward wife has).

Anyone who chooses R must eat the **** sandwich they were served.

IMO R is mainly for codependents who cannot cut the cord or folks with kids and financial devastation.

“I’m still in love” is more codependentcy related than anything else.


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## OutofRetirement (Nov 27, 2017)

You will not know if you could save the marriage until you actually take the next step.

If you do nothing, or wait, the affair might end by itself. That could happen today. She might find out about him that turns her off and she decides to end it. All possible. None likely.

Most likely the affair will continue for some time. At the end of which, she will tell you she "loves you, but is not in love with you." And she is "in love" with him. Likely, that is the situation already.

But the first step is telling her you know and asking her to end the affair and try to fix the hurt she's put on you, and see if she will even try.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Bonkers said:


> It's not excellent advice, if she loses her job as a result of the workplace affair and they subsequently divorce, her involuntary unemployment can have huge ramifications when it comes to spousal and child support.


The has never been shown to be true on this site for all
Years I have been here. On the contrary, judges figure income as t what a persons employment record reveals. Getting fired or quitting a job does not work in the adulterer’s favor. More often than not the judge will make it worse on the wayward spouse. Even cheaters hate cheaters.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

GusPolinski said:


> Once upon a time I offered much more, but, after a while, I realized that it was wasted on the vast majority of BH’s.


I believe you're on the right track. Most women who are to the point where they sleep with men they find attractive have already lost so much romantic interest and respect for husbands, it pretty much hollows out and negates the reason for being married. My observation is, if she had it to do over, would never marry the guy again; albeit she may continue to play the hand she was dealt.


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

Why stay?
Why allow them to disrespect you?
Why allow yourself to be treated like this?
Why listen to another lie?

1) First and foremost, your spouse is a person of low character (I would prefer to say pig, but that might be too "mean")
2) Second - The affair is not nor will it ever be your fault
3) Lawyer. Today. Know your rights. Start the Divorce. Start to get primary rights to your kids (if you have some)
4) Doctor - get STD/STI/HIV tests started. You life depends on it!
5) Counselor for you. One that has experience with infidelity. You're going to need to talk with someone about this
6) Eat.
7) Sleep (at least 8 hours a night if possible)
8) Drink water (avoid alcohol at this point, it won't help)
9) Get to gym and start working out - it helps the body, the mind, and the soul
10) Start to separate funds
11) 180 like your life depended on it.
12) DNA your kids. Not so much to see if they are yours (hopefully they are), but to show her that you can't trust anything about her (again, if you have them)a
13) Expose. Lies thrive in the dark. 
14) Don't know who originally posted it, but they are a genius:

Just Let Them Go

The end result?

The end result is to respect yourself in the end, let go of the people that don't value you or respect you.

That is the end result.

The quickest way to get a cheating spouse back is to let them go with a smile on your face wishing them the best in life and hoping that everything works out in their relationship with their affair partner.

Seriously, the quickest way to get them back.

Nothing else works better or quicker.

Let them go.

Agree with them and their feelings,
"you should be with the OM, I hope he makes you happy, good bye"

Wouldn't that be true love?

If you really loved your spouse, and wanted them to have what they really want in life which is the other person they're in love with, wouldn't letting them go be the approach if you really love them?

Why focus on the affair or the drama associated with it?
Just let them go. Give them their freedom.

You can take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror everyday and improve yourself but do it for you, not for someone else, the changes will never stick when it's done for someone else, do it for your benefit and you will probably make those changes last much longer if not indefinitely - because it's for your benefit and you realize the importance and value in that benefit because YOU are involved.

I will never tell someone to change to entice a WAW back when she's been cheating on him. I don't care how bad a marriage, there is never an excuse for cheating. That is a personal decision that someone makes to cheat on their spouse. If a marriage is really bad, leave, get a divorce, speak up to your spouse and tell them flat out "this marriage sucks and if things don't change I'm going to leave you and find someone better" and if things don't improve, leave that person.

But cheating, no excuses.

Think about cheating.
A wayward spouse who cheats on their spouse goes behind their back, secretly, telling lies, feeling guilty, getting angry at their spouse for getting in the way of their fantasies but never owning up to their actions, never admitting what they're doing. If a person who cheats on their spouse felt justified in their actions, why hide and go behind their spouses backs when they start cheating, why lie, why make up excuses about late nights at work and going to a friends place and sleeping over because they drank too much and any other such nonsense?

Deep down, the cheating spouse knows there is something inherently wrong with their actions otherwise they wouldn't lie about their actions and hide what they're doing.

Fighting the affair? For what reason?
To compete with the OM or OW for your spouse?
What message does that communicate to your wayward spouse?
They have lots of value and you have none because now you have to compete with another person for their love? Competing with your wayward spouse's affair partner never works, it just prolongs an ugly drama filled process.

The easiest way to show you will not tolerate cheating in your relationship is to let that person go. That is the easiest and most effective way to show this.

"Look wife/husband, I won't be in an open relationship with you, I won't give you X number of days, weeks, months to make your mind, if you really feel like you need to sit on the fence on this decision and can't decide between your affair partner and me well I will make the decision for you, you can be with them because I'm no longer an option. I love you and wish you a good life with them and hope it works out for you because it didn't work out for us. Now the best thing we can do for each other is to make this process as graceful and peaceful as possible for us and our children, I'll contact a lawyer/mediator and get started on the process of our legal separation/divorce."

You give them what they want.
You don't fight them on this issue.
You agree with their feelings,
they want to be with the other person, fine they should be with the other person, let them be with the other person.

You will never convince a person to change their feelings with your arguments and logic. You can not find one member on this website in a situation where they are dealing with infidelity where they got their spouse to change their mind about how they feel about their affair partner.

You can't say "don't love them, love me instead",
you can't say "look at me, I'm better in every way compared to your affair partner, pick me instead of them",
you can't say "you took marriage vows, you promised to love me"

I agree, you don't have to make it easy for your wayward spouse to have an affair, but when you let them go, "lovingly detach", you don't have to worry about making it easy for them. It's no longer your concern, they can have you or them but not both and not at the same time and since they've chosen to have an affair, they've made their choice, there is no profit in fighting that decision. Let them go and move on with your life, that is the quickest, easiest way to get them back.

You definitely don't support them financially and enable them, that would be weak, wussy, clingy, insecure behavior - something in you telling you that you need to support them financially while they're having an affair, hoping they'll realize how nice you are and come back to you.

Just let them go, have them move out or you move out and live a good life without them.


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

Unfortunately, with most of the stories in here, there are other conditions that support the "divorce now" philosophy for betrayed husbands. OP may soon discover that his wife did sexual favors for her boyfriend that she hesitated to do with him. Very disheartening, but a recurring theme. Anal sex? Not for you, honey, sorry, never. But for him? Every day.

Had OP attempted a bitemark on the breast, for example, it would have been met with something like "How dare you?!" But boyfriend is given free rein. Hard to get past that for a BH.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

Taschen7 said:


> *After looking into it more, I was able to find out with certainty that for about a month and a half prior to my leaving, they had shared with each other that they liked each other and had gone on at least two dates.* I figured out that one of those times she did tell me she was going to meet up with him for a drink after work. The other time she made it sound like it was a bunch of friends from work. However, I still did not know what had happened while I was away.
> 
> Here I feel I should also add a couple more things for context. First, he is single. Second, one of the things that made me think I was being crazy during this time period was the affection she showed toward me. I always thought that if my wife were to turn her attention elsewhere, she would distance herself from me at home, at least a little bit, and probably do less with me socially. However, that wasn't what occurred. She was just as affectionate, loving, and caring toward me during this time period as ever. Our sex life was not affected at all and if anything may have been enhanced. About the only difference I could notice was that when we had some downtime at the end of day instead of browsing the internet she would be texting with someone else a lot more.
> 
> ...





Ghost Rider said:


> Taschen, just curious, how did you confirm that they were having sex?





Tatsuhiko said:


> *It sounds like you have iron-clad evidence that you're basing this on. I hope this is true.*



Taschen,

Without compromising your privacy, is it possible to share how you *know* with certainty that physical infidelity has taken place?

Asking, 'cause she is pleasant to you, sexually active; and the strange mark on her breast skin *could* be from moving furniture in the office. A bit weird, but not unbelievable.

Just wanna be really, really sure before taking any drastic actions. I mean, it might be possible that her friendship with this intern is causing you to read too much into the evidence you believe you have. If you share what you can here, maybe some of us can parse it and share opinions as to whether it indicates cheating??? I offer this suggestion in the spirit of being as calm and rational as possible.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

Lets see if OP ever comes back.


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## Ghost Rider (Mar 6, 2017)

I wouldn't blame him if he decided not to.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I have sent @Taschen7 a PM to check in with him.
*
Moderator message:-*

By the way, stating or implying other members are trolls is not cool.

If you have doubts about another member, use the Report button. Please do not play "Troll Finder General."


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## Rock_Singer (Apr 23, 2016)

Any new response from the OP?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

jrjr said:


> Any new response from the OP?


Not yet. But it is Christmas week and he does have a lot to deal with, poor chap.


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## ocdude (May 27, 2016)

Let her finish her residency training, her income will be x 10, if he divorces her then he will get alimony.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

@ghostrider: if you are a woman as I suppose, then you certainly can not understand this shvt as you put it. You don't know what it is to be a man, if you are a man, I pity you. OP's like this one, not only do they need the counseling that most people dispense in terms of what to do, but also need a few 2x4, to get them out of their self wallowing pity. This is a must; otherwise they continue to behave for too long as pitiful weak indiduals, while losing any little chance they have to react in a strong manly manner, and take control of the situation. Remember, most men in the world do not react like a wimp, pathetic man like the ones that abound in these forums, most men around the world they react very strongly, and immediately dump the cheating skank, and for your information, in case you do not read the papers: a percentage of them react extremely violent, to the point that we often hear the term "Passion crime". So do not give me the shvt that I'm doing this to get off on it.

Same thing for @Bonkers. I don't know your story, but I've never been a wimp with a woman, YOU maybe, but not I. Moreover, I've never been cheated on, so no, I'm not proyecting, nor I get off on the the misfortune of these men, but they do need 2x4 along with the rest of the advice, in order to make them react, to try to get them out of their pitiful, disgusting, less than a man reaction that a lot of these poster show toward their cheating wifes.

These types of weak pathetic reactions, have a birth in the dynamics of couples were the man or the woman as time goes by become complacient, and dependent of their partners emotionally, socially, etc., to the point that their partner is everything to these people. Eventually, their partner takes them for granted, and lose respect for them, because very few people respect weak, dependent individuals. This make the cheating spouse to think it is OK to do it, because, they think/know that there will be no repercussions, and a lot of time they are right. 

Personally, as a man, I know that if my wife/significant other were to fvck other man/men, there is not way I would even think of touching her ever again (yuck). She would be gone out of my life immediately. How I know this? Because I have a tremendous self respect on myself as a man and I'm proud of it, and I do not opologize to no one for it.


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## Bonkers (Nov 26, 2017)

Rob_1 said:


> Moreover, I've never been cheated on, so no, I'm not proyecting, nor I get off on the the misfortune of these men, but they do need 2x4 along with the rest of the advice, in order to make them react, to try to get them out of their pitiful, disgusting, less than a man reaction that a lot of these poster show toward their cheating wifes.


 @Rob_1 @Rob_1 he's our man

If he can't do it no one can!










Chorus repeats incessantly until the projectile vomiting from the crowd empties the stadium..


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

Well done gentleman, it looks like we've run another one off the board.


Rob_1 said:


> @ghostrider: if you are a woman as I suppose, then you certainly can not understand this shvt as you put it. You don't know what it is to be a man, if you are a man, I pity you. OP's like this one, not only do they need the counseling that most people dispense in terms of what to do, but also need a few 2x4, to get them out of their self wallowing pity. This is a must; otherwise they continue to behave for too long as pitiful weak indiduals, while losing any little chance they have to react in a strong manly manner, and take control of the situation. Remember, most men in the world do not react like a wimp, pathetic man like the ones that abound in these forums...


The way I was raised - you never, ever kick a man when he's down. Certainly not one that going through the agony of betrayal. This seems to be your "thing", though. If you were truly secure in yourself and blessed with high self-esteem you wouldn't feel the need to constantly belittle and run down other men. You come across as very insecure. In fact, you sound more like a weak person's idea of how someone with strength expresses themselves.


> Personally, as a man, I know that if my wife/significant other were to fvck other man/men, there is not way I would even think of touching her ever again (yuck). She would be gone out of my life immediately. *How I know this?* Because I have a tremendous self respect on myself as a man and I'm proud of it, and I do not opologize to no one for it.


Simple answer is you don't. Everyone talks like this until it happens to them (I hope it doesn't, of course). 

The vast majority of men do not choose to reconcile, understandably. They generally don't tend frequent forums to let everyone know beforehand.


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## Bonkers (Nov 26, 2017)

azteca1986 said:


> Well done gentleman, it looks like we've run another one off the board. The way I was raised - you never, ever kick a man when he's down. Certainly not one that going through the agony of betrayal. This seems to be your "thing", though. If you were truly secure in yourself and blessed with high self-esteem you wouldn't feel the need to constantly belittle and run down other men. You come across as very insecure. In fact, you sound more like a weak person's idea of how someone with strength expresses themselves.


Quoted for truth.

If I was a moderator of this board @Rob_1 would be history.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Bonkers said:


> Quoted for truth.
> 
> If I was a moderator of this board @Rob_1 would be history.


Speaking as a Moderator:

It is probably a good thing you aren't moderating. 

P.S. I couldn't resist the image.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Right these guys are...not!! 

as a 65 yrs old man that already lived his prime years, I can honestly say that I'm past any insecurities, projectings or anything of the sort. If I'm guilty of anything is the discovery late in life that there are men so emasculated that it's pitiful that they exists as men. 

I grew in an environment, where I never saw men behaving the way so many men in these forums behave after they've been cheated on. Growing up, the cases where I learned of known men where their wife/woman cheated on them was that of a strong man that would not even think twice what to do with their cheating skank. That was what men did, period, no other options. Before my first, and second wifes (and in between) I did have plenty, and I mean plenty of relationships, and let me tell you, I ended relationships for simple things as that as coming to the realization that the woman that was with me at the time wasn't either all in with me, or was wishy washy about me. I always was secure of myself to be able to end a relationship, if I though that the girl/woman was not all that into me (even as early as my teens years). Like my father once told me: if you come home crying because another kid beat you up, I'll beat you up too. I follow that advice since then. I've never been afraid to confront my problems from the get go.

The reason I ended up and got into this forum was a serendipity event. I was reading in Literotica a story in the "Loving Wifes" section, and the story ended up to be that of a cuckold guy that loved getting off his wife having sex with other man. I just couldn't belief the story, so I google, cuckolds and cheating wifes, and LOL, there are cuckolds for real, and cheating wifes that have weak, emasculated pathetic men that are unable to act like a man. That's how I got involved in this forum. 

So, no, I an not some guy proyecting insecurities or betrayals by my woman. My beautiful (younger second wife), has made sure that I never have to even think about any insecurities for the last few decades. Still happily married, and into each other.

Since my experience, by reading and analizing how many of these posters refuse to follow in their weak desperation the nice, right on advice giving in this forum, I opted out shear outrage to their weak wimp doormat reactions to give them 2x4's because someone needs to tell these men what they relly are in the hope that the 2x4's will shake them out of the emasculation stage in which they are living, since the nice regular advice won't do.

I think, that a whole lot of younger men in today's society, are very confuse and weak, while the women are strong and go getter. These men come from the generations where there are not losers, everyone wins. Men where they always and still are being taken care of by mom, whether mom is mom or their current wife/girlfriend. Men that put a woman in a pedestal and their life revolves exclusivetely around their woman/family. They become complacent and beta: the sure recipe for certain women to lose respect and see their man as a weakling, where other men start to appeal more.

So to those guys that posted that I should be banned. Well, if that is so, so be it. At least I am not a wimp that would take back a woman after her being fuvk by other guys like you would or had.


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## Quality (Apr 26, 2016)

Rob_1 said:


> Before my first, and second wifes (and in between) I did have plenty, and I mean plenty of relationships, and let me tell you, I ended relationships for simple things as that as coming to the realization that the woman that was with me at the time wasn't either all in with me, or was wishy washy about me. I always was secure of myself to be able to end a relationship, if I though that the girl/woman was not all that into me (even as early as my teens years). Like my father once told me: if you come home crying because another kid beat you up, I'll beat you up too. I follow that advice since then. I've never been afraid to confront my problems from the get go.



When a man qualifies his masculinity by the number {"plenty"} of women he's been with, "let me tell you", he's basically saying that women define him. That he's defines himself by his conquests versus his character. 

You appear to believe all relationships are disposable and that violence begets violence. Good for you and the shallow relationships with your "beautiful" "younger second wife". Hope she never goes "wishy washy" on you like your first wife and all those other disappointing women. I'm so happy my daughters have become some of those stronger women you fear who won't ever feel the desperate need to placate your 1950's idea of gender roles and relationships. They're traditional and conservative young Christian women but not ever going to be stepford. 

I also don't know any "real men" that read Literotica on the internet. You'd think you're hot young wife would be enough for you????? 

Real men feel pain. They process and analyze their choices and try to figure out what is best for them, their families and even their wives. You see, it is MOSTLY our wives that had a problem confronting problems in our relationships and they pursued a very self-destructful and hurtful path to dealing with their problems. Most betrayed husband's {really all betrayed spouses} are caught a little or a lot by surprise and just trying to come to terms and grips with their lives and make the best choices for everyone. Kind of like you the first time you got punched and didn't know whether to punch back or not until your daddy told you what you oughta do. Maybe you've figured a few things out now that you're 65 but even you had to learn the hard way and, quite apparently made a lot of mistakes along the way {a divorced shallow supposedly mature 'man' lacking empathy, knowledge and compassion deliberately trying to be hurtful}. These men aren't enjoying this process or these events in their lives but as they reach out for help, you think the solution is to punch them versus empowering them to truly address the problems in their lives with productive advice other than women are a dime a dozen, ghost them because self-respect means more than everything and everyone else at all times and if they ain't worshipping you, you just cut them loose lest they start jones on your self-respect.

Another maturity fact you may want to figure out by the time you're 75 == "self-respect" is internal, not external. Nothing your wife {now} or your next wife can or will ever do should really have any bearing on your self-respect at all. Your father doesn't define it either. You're getting older now, you should be able to take a punch without ALWAYS having to punch back. 

I do also doubt the story of how you got here. Simply searching those pejorative terms doesn't really compute because no one here is actually enjoying or even dabbling in "cuckolding". Maybe it's just your way of passive-aggressively criticizing the men here, like a middle school girl and her "burn book". 

Thanks for stopping by.


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## Quality (Apr 26, 2016)

Rob_1 said:


> At least I am not a wimp that would take back a woman after her being fuvk by other guys like you would or had.


I tend to believe a man of your age and experience has probably been with PLENTY of women that were with other guys at some point in their lives or another.

You didn't and don't exclusively date virgins, do you??? If so it's going to get pretty creepy if you end up dumping wife #2 after she gets wishy-washy some day. Younger virgins women don't tend to go for 65-75 year old men.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

@Quality. Please do not put words in my mouth. I never said that I dated or would only date virgins. What I said was that a woman (wife, girlfriend) that would cheat on me, would be history. I would never touch her again. Period. 

As to the other posters. You make me laugh. I'm here confortably happy in my relationship, while you are probably not, and it shows. End of the story in this tread.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Expose.

Your wife not only crapped all over her marriage, she is seriously compromising the hospital's ethics by screwing an intern.

Pretty cliché but a serious abuse of position.

Your wife needs therapy to help her overcome her vile behavior and you both need marital counseling if she is even interested.

NC must be enacted which will put her position in jeopardy as well as the intern's.

She has basically destroyed years of her life so this intern can stick his penis in her.

Are you sure she is mentally healthy?

If so, Why would you be with someone this self destructive and an unstable backstabber to boot?


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

If we can't beat up on Taschen (gone like a freight train)... lets just just go after each other?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

farsidejunky said:


> Speaking as a Moderator:
> 
> It is probably a good thing you aren't moderating.
> 
> P.S. I couldn't resist the image.


Hahaha! I think I love you man!!!:grin2:


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Rob_1 said:


> Right these guys are...not!!
> 
> as a 65 yrs old man that already lived his prime years, I can honestly say that I'm past any insecurities, projectings or anything of the sort. If I'm guilty of anything is the discovery late in life that there are men so emasculated that it's pitiful that they exists as men.
> 
> ...


There's still plenty of men out there that handle betrayal like a champ. They find out and take swift action and never even think of asking advice on a forum. What you're seeing here are the men who don't know how to react or how to handle this situation. If you're reading infidelity boards a lot you might think there's way more of them than there are, but most betrayed men never end up here so the sample you're seeing is not representative.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Quality said:


> Rob_1 said:
> 
> 
> > At least I am not a wimp that would take back a woman after her being fuvk by other guys like you would or had.
> ...


I have to agree with @Rob_1, because I totally get what he is saying. For a long time I have been advising betrayed spouses here that once their wayward has crossed the line to a physical affair (sex in any form) the marriage isn’t worth saving. Once a spouse has been in another’s body/let another into their body, they aren’t worth being married to. I don’t care what happened before my partner was committed to me, but after that commitment, if the physical line is crossed, they are scum. Self respect demands that they get removed from my life and treated like the dirt that they are.

This is why I have protected my marriage from all outsiders with a vengeance, and I advise others to do the same.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Medical proffesionals are near the top of the list of professions where cheating is rampant. With the wife being in her last year of residency, she is spending more time with POSOM than she is her husband. 

His marriage is over. He should make it official.


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## CantBelieveThis (Feb 25, 2014)

The Middleman said:


> I have to agree with @Rob_1, because I totally get what he is saying. For a long time I have been advising betrayed spouses here that once their wayward has crossed the line to a physical affair (sex in any form) the marriage isn’t worth saving. Once a spouse has been in another’s body/let another into their body, they aren’t worth being married to. I don’t care what happened before my partner was committed to me, but after that commitment, if the physical line is crossed, they are scum. Self respect demands that they get removed from my life and treated like the dirt that they are.
> 
> This is why I have protected my marriage from all outsiders with a vengeance, and I advise others to do the same.


I think thats a male insecurity deep in the reptilian part of our brain to protect us from raising an offspring that's not our own. 
I don't like that my wife had a PA, it is repulsive, but I don't see her as trashed or dirty, am way more upset she lied and betrayed me tbh.
I have about 3 times as many sex partners as her before we married and I did all kinds of crazy sexual stuff (3somes, public oral, etc) so while her PA was a hit on my manhood, they certainly didn't come even close to what I've done, and am certainly a better sexual performer than either of them, so that alliviated some of my hurt. 
However you most certainly have the right to feel however you feel about your spouse after a PA, it's a very personal and individual feeling no one can fault you for, except for generalizing about it.
That being said, it's sort of true we do not own our spouses body, they dont even have to cheat really, they can just tell you one day they are going out to have sex w someone else, and aside from divorcing them, there really isn't a darn thing you can do about it. No law, no rights, nothing. 



Sent from my BTV-W09 using Tapatalk


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

CantBelieveThis said:


> I think thats a male insecurity deep in the reptilian part of our brain to protect us from raising an offspring that's not our own.


I never underestimate the power of our biology and the control it has over us. The only difference between us and animals is that we can reason, have logic, and exert self control. That being said, when I said I defend my marriage with a vengeance, I meant it, and I was very willing to lose 30 years before I would allow the PA line to come even come close to being crossed. Truthfully, I caused a bit of a ruckus for what some people would say is not a big deal.



CantBelieveThis said:


> I don't like that my wife had a PA, it is repulsive, but I don't see her as trashed or dirty, am way more upset she lied and betrayed me tbh.
> I have about 3 times as many sex partners as her before we married and I did all kinds of crazy sexual stuff (3somes, public oral, etc) so while her PA was a hit on my manhood, they certainly didn't come even close to what I've done, and am certainly a better sexual performer than either of them, so that alliviated some of my hurt.
> However you most certainly have the right to feel however you feel about your spouse after a PA, it's a very personal and individual feeling no one can fault you for, except for generalizing about it.


Everyone has their own coping mechanism, and if your history is how you balanced the equity, or what I like to call 'getting even', then I'm happy that it worked for you. Me personally, I couldn't and wouldn't try to salvage the marriage once the PA line has been crossed. On top of that, I would need to get my 'eye for an eye'. Rest assured, that everyone in the extended family over the age of 18 would know about the PA, complete with what ever evidence I could get my hands on (photos, texts emails, whatever). Scorched earth.



CantBelieveThis said:


> That being said, it's sort of true we do not own our spouses body, they dont even have to cheat really, they can just tell you one day they are going out to have sex w someone else, and aside from divorcing them, there really isn't a darn thing you can do about it. No law, no rights, nothing.


Probably not, but you can cause a ****load of pain if you choose to. At that point, I wouldn't give a **** what anyone thinks.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Taschen7 made this post on Christmas and hasn't been back since 12 minutes after he posted. Lot's of wasted good advice.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Closing this thread for now.

If @Taschen7 wants it opened, he can request it via PM to a Moderator.


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