# Wife's issues with sex beyond the classic stuff



## Hurra (Sep 13, 2009)

Despite some progress in the sex department but has since diminished again, things are still not where I want them to be. My wife has the typical issues, self-conscious about her body, lights out, same position, anything outside her norm is dirty, resists touching me, won't let me come near unless the condom is on (as if my penis is some sort of deadly weapon out of the holster), etc.

But when your wife refers to female genitalia as little kid terms, use random names for the male's versus just calling it like it is, can't even say the word 'sex' but makes up coded messages, etc how does one break through that barrier? let alone what I described up above.

Why did I marry her then? She wasn't always like this, only since marriage really. 

I am really trying to take a stand in my mind and just force some regular sex talk, make examples of how she talks and thinks and how silly it is. We are in our 30's for Ch*|st sake (excuse the french). I wish she would act like it.

Sorry for the rant but any advice/replies is appreciated.


----------



## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

If the sex changed after marriage, then I would address it. Before, or after, your next sexual encounter, start with one thing. Say, "Why do you have to use children's terms for body parts?" Tell her it creeps you out with a pedophilia vibe.


----------



## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Try this. Treat her by filling up the bathtub, lighting some candles and placing them near the tub, and putting on some soft music. Help her undress and lead her to the tub. Kiss her and tell her that you will be right back with a glass of water. Let her get in the tub on her own while you are getting the water. Take your time getting the water.

Bring the water to her, look at her, kiss her, and tell her she looks beautiful. Leave her alone for about 20 minutes. Go prepare the bed for a massage by laying down a beach towel. Also light one candle.

Tell her the next phase of her surprise treatment is ready, and allow her to dry off. Hold her hand, kiss her, and lead her to the bed. Tell her that you are going to give her a nice massage for being such a wonderful wife. Kiss her again.

Have her lay down on her stomach and start very slowly with the massage. Avoid the breasts and V area to make her comfortable that it is not a sex massage. After about 15 minutes, start kissing her body even now and then as you continue to massage. As you get to her neck, kiss the back of her neck and nibble a little. Pay attention to her reactions as you go. 

Take your cues and go from there.


----------



## brendan (Jun 1, 2011)

same issues with my wife, found out one of the reasons she is not having sex with me is that she is scared of having another child????
Well i could use a condom???


----------



## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Hurra said:


> Why did I marry her then? She wasn't always like this, only since marriage really.


You said she wasn't always like this, only since marriage? From that comment, I'm imagining

Before marriage: "I'm craving your c*ck in my mouth" 
After marriage: "I'm craving your lollipop in my mouth" 

Was she really more open before? I find this very confusing. I don't know the background of your journey so far, but I take it this isn't her way of being cute/sexy then? Was there much intimacy between you before marriage, as in really discovering each others bodies rather than just having sex?

Lights-out, one position ... initially reading the other responses I didn't understand why it was suggested about the bath and massage, but now that I think about it, yes I agree. For her to move beyond "lights-out" mode, she needs to open herself to more sensual experiences and to become comfortable naked with you, in a non-sexual way first. If you can help her open up and embrace her own sexuality/sensuality, then perhaps slowly but surely, she'll allow herself to be more free and secure in the bedroom. Maybe?


----------



## CarolinaGirl (Feb 13, 2011)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Hurra (Sep 13, 2009)

I'm lucky to get a single stroke, let alone any oral n

@hertoo. Two problems with that. She will not let me undress her. Anything sexual is a bedtime thing under the sheets. She has told me this. Trying to be intimate prior then is not something she wants. Second, doing something like that and to later lure her into the bedroom is breaking rule #1 of the No More Mr Nice Guy code. I read the book. What will happen is even if I get her into the tub for a solo bath and try to get her in bed after, it looks like I did it for sex. And then when I get rejected, I get pissed off. 

On a related note, showering together is in no uncertain terms something she would be willing to do. 

When we dated it was totally different. She still had reservations but was doing a good job to get over them. 

I also dedicated many weeks of casual affection and compliments. It resulted in minimal return. It's like I have some contagious disease or she is a germophobe. Normal affection for her is pecking kisses and hand holding. Again, we aren't 12. 

Thanks for the replies though.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Then have her undress herself. Do what you she is allowing you to do during the scenario. If it doesn't end with sex, that's fine. She will respect the fact that she can get naked in front of you and it doesn't always lead to sex. That's a breakthrough. One step at a time. Lots of hugs and kisses every day.


----------



## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Stop trying to work with her. Try the tactic of getting her to work with you.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/21278-thermostat-ultimate-barometer-your-r.html


----------



## JustAMan2 (Oct 28, 2011)

I have had a very similar experience. It was only after things got very bad in our relationship and she feared I was going to "ditch" her (which I was not) that my wife FINALLY confessed that she had been sexually abused (and very severely at that) as a child.

I'm not saying this is the case in your marriage, but it is certainly worth exploring. My wife denied it for a long time. I had been with other women and KNEW something was wrong--her responses were not at all "normal".

The thing was when we were dating, she was quite different. It was only after we settled into marriage that she began to "change". In truth, the way she became after marriage was who she really was all along (very sexually repressed), but the "rush" of infatuation lead her to believe that she was "past all that". She was not. It all came back to haunt her. But the sad part was, it haunted me too as her husband--and continues to do so VERY much so to this day.

I've read that up to 40% of women have been abused sexually in one form or another as a girl or young lady. It REALLY affects them. The longer they "stuff it" the more profoundly it affects them.

Just my 2 cents worth.


----------



## gigo (Oct 28, 2011)

Maybe she doesn't like the way she looks after having a child? maybe she is embarrassed? I have a baby and I definitely don't like the way my stomach looks now, even after working out a lot.
Have you asked her if there is anything that is making her feel uncomfortable with her own body? 
Just a thought....


----------



## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Hurra ~

I have a feeling that your wife has always really been like this. There are many women who are, unfortunately. And during the heady days of courtship and early marriage, it can be much easier for many of them to push through their barriers and insecurities with that rush of new love and dopamine. 

Ultimately, people go back to their normal comfort level, which your wife appears to have done and she has some repression issues.

Do you know what kind of childhood or sexual experiences she had prior to you? What kind of a marriage did her parents have?

And, is she willing to consider going to counseling - either individual counseling for herself or counseling with a sexual therapist (a counselor who specializes in sexual issues)?

In the meantime, simply be a confident, calm, competent man. You use the proper terms for body parts. Let her know you see nothing wrong, but everything as beautiful and right in the sexual act with your spouse and all of your respective body parts.

Encourage your wife and take the leadership role in the sexual arena - men are often so used to acting in a more physical way, and a husband has a great opportunity (and I would even say responsibility in many cases) to help teach a woman that her body is beautiful and something to be proud of and enjoy. You can also teach/encourage her to become more physical, to enjoy sex, to relax and have a fun life in a physical way.

And, no, it may not be easy, but it can be extremely rewarding. A great lover in a husband doesn't only encourage and help lead in the sexual arena, but he is also tender, understanding, appreciative, sensitive, and most of all - patient.

God Bless.


----------



## Hurra (Sep 13, 2009)

Enchantment said:


> Hurra ~
> 
> I have a feeling that your wife has always really been like this. There are many women who are, unfortunately. And during the heady days of courtship and early marriage, it can be much easier for many of them to push through their barriers and insecurities with that rush of new love and dopamine.
> 
> ...


Thanks for the reply. I recall a short time during dating she pull a muscle really bad from physical activity. It was too uncomfortable to have sex. I understood that of course but when she said she couldn't and wasn't sure for how long, she broke into tears fearing I'd leave. So you may have a point, and past posts here have hinted at that too, that she got out of her comfort zone to hang onto me until marriage, then she drifted back to where she is most comfortable. It's kind of deceiving in a way, intentional or not. 

I'd love to take more control but when I try it ends up in some sort of rejection.

But I have to use normal words to describe sex and when she does not, correct her in a nice but stern way.

As for her parents, they seem solid and no sexual abuse, I can guarantee that. 

We don't have children but she does complain about certain features of hers which is trivial in my opinion. I'm not perfect by no means but I don't have any issues. But that's just me.


----------

