# Shocked, hurt, and absolutely terrified.



## OSHIOKYO (Apr 21, 2011)

I’m really not quite sure where to begin in all of this. It’s been about three weeks since my husband dropped the bomb and I’m still reeling. We have been together for 7 years, married for 6 and he has recently informed me that not only does he want a divorce, but that he in fact was never in love with me nor did he ever have any desire to marry me in the first place. He says he feels himself to be “lost” or “stuck” in his life and naturally, I’m responsible. He refuses to get counseling unless it will help speed us in the right direction for divorce. His view is that he won’t try for something that he never wanted in the first place.

I’m of course, devastated but I don’t even really have time to process this or grieve. He just wants me to wave a magic wand and be gone. 

He is active duty in the armed forces and over the years I have made a lot of sacrifices regarding my personal goals in terms of family, career, and education because of the perceived stress it would put on my marriage or because we simply could not afford it. As a result, I find myself now in a position where I really have no stable income to support myself and no where to go in order to get back on my feet. 

I’m terrified. I don’t know what I’m going to do. I don’t know where I’m going to go. I’m looking into the military for myself but it could be a lengthy process as I will need to obtain one or more medical waivers. If the military won’t have me, I’m really at a loss as to what to do next. There’s also the fact that we simply can NOT afford a divorce (which he refuses to understand). I really have no idea what’s going on. He’s never been open, he has always shut down when I try to talk to him about things of importance, and he’s used to me taking care of everything for him. I feel like this is just his quarter-life crisis but he is adamant. His total indifference and lack of reality in this situation just blows my mind. 

I don’t even know what I need (besides that magic wand). I only know one person that’s been divorced, and they were remarried. I don’t know my rights, I don’t know if I’m safe….I really don’t know anything as I never accepted this as a possibility. Any support, guidance, or advice is truly appreciated. I’m really scared.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

This may not be over. My MC story is in my profile. I think couseling is available through armed services.

My wife has a hard time knowing what direction she wants in life, why, and how to do that. Lost, trapped, and confused are all things she's said.

Get him to agree to at least some counseling either ways. Tell him you deserve at least SOME time to talk about this in MC and figure out what, why, and how.

I know this feeling and my wife has done it to me a few times. Just magic wand away the past several years and move on to GREEN pastures, but its not the truth. We've had big blowups when she has changed jobs or other adjustments.

Is the timing of this coincide with something else big? A death, deployment, etc?

Also, although he is talking in absolute negatives, its not the truth. It is how he is feeling now however. Check out the 180 in my story (the list of things to do). Be strong and weather this. He will through the most hurtful things at you you've ever heard, and you need to deescalate, demand respect, show him respect, give him space, and give him time to figure this out.

If you are religiously inclined, pick up love must be tough ASAP!!!!!
Best of luck. Feel free to ask more questions or update.


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## OSHIOKYO (Apr 21, 2011)

I don't know how to get him to commit to counseling. He doesn't want to go, at all. The one time he did go, all he wanted to discuss was how best to be rid of me in the least amount of time and effort. 

I'm sure that he needs/wants his space but neither one of us has anywhere else to go or the funds to do so. We've been living more as roomates for years rather than spouses. He comes and goes as he pleases and we basically ignore each other when we're both home. If I start to feel hurt by this lifestyle, I confront him and that's when he just completely shuts down (until recently, now he starts telling me he wants out). I often feel like he does this just to avoid talking with me but it's very easy to believe that his feelings are true because of how our relationship has been.

I did sit down with him and I showed him our budget and explained that we just couldn't afford a divorce. He's looking for a part time job and he SAYS that he understands it will take some time before we could afford to do anything. I suggested to him that we make the best of things in the meantime and he agreed, grudgingly but he won't try. 

What can I do? Is it really possible to repair the damage done when only ONE person is working for it and the other is absolutely obstinate? It's so hard to try and get the figurative slap in the face repeatedly. I'm so hurt, scared, and angry right now and it just makes it even more difficult.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Maybe the first step is for you to start doing what you can to become self-supporting. Regardless of how things work out with your husband, that's not a bad thing. Is there any career counseling available through the armed forces for spouses? I imagine your current situation (having to give up or change careers because of your husband's transfers) isn't unusual. How about education and/or training programs? Don't just wait to find out about getting into the military, start working on other options. What will you do if that falls through?

Second, I'd think it's very tough to "fix" things if only one person wants to put in the effort. Sorry... 

C


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Get a lawyer and protect yourself--your h will owe you a certain amount of support for a given period of time so you can get back on your feet. Don't budge on this--you deserve it, at a pace you can handle. Then go back to school and get a degree and be free of your dependency.

As for the emotional side--use whatever counseling services are available to you through the military, while you can. I'm really sorry you are going through this. The good news is, you will be a happy, strong, self-supporting woman on the other side of the experience and you will be proud of "you," so keep your eyes on the prize as you move forward. Good luck and God bless.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

> 'm sure that he needs/wants his space but neither one of us has anywhere else to go or the funds to do so. We've been living more as roomates for years rather than spouses. He comes and goes as he pleases and we basically ignore each other when we're both home.


This is the biggest problem. This needed to be fixed a long time ago. You've probably both built up a huge amount of resentment and anger towards the other person.


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## DepressedHusband (Apr 22, 2011)

OSHIOKYO said:


> I’m really not quite sure where to begin in all of this. It’s been about three weeks since my husband dropped the bomb and I’m still reeling. We have been together for 7 years, married for 6 and he has recently informed me that not only does he want a divorce, but that he in fact was never in love with me nor did he ever have any desire to marry me in the first place. He says he feels himself to be “lost” or “stuck” in his life and naturally, I’m responsible. He refuses to get counseling unless it will help speed us in the right direction for divorce. His view is that he won’t try for something that he never wanted in the first place.
> 
> I’m of course, devastated but I don’t even really have time to process this or grieve. He just wants me to wave a magic wand and be gone.
> 
> ...




stop trying to save the marriage, if you want to save it. 

I think that there is someone else and you should consider moving on. Military marriages fial becuase often the heart does not grow fonder, it finds anohter home. I will give him credit for being clear and concise however. 

If you want to know if theres another women, plays to sympathy at trail for resource distrobution and any property division along with alimony which the military will guarentee you will receive., then hire a PI and get the scoop. Everytime I have seen a man say anything of the sort, he was knocking boots with someone else and generally speaking, men say what they mean. He really does mean he does not want to be married and his answer on consouling is final. 

your particular life situation regarding your living arrangement is ultimately a situation you have to deal with and if he wanted space hs is now finding out that your only motivation for staying is your inability to support yourself. So he will feel like a check book exagerating any bias about you sticking around for the money and making him feel unwanted. 

Basically, you have to stop the way you are headed, pick your head up, pack your things, move in with a friend, find a job and start supporting yourself. If he isn;t having a affari etc then maybe things right themself or they don't, but your not going to get anywhere long term with emotional pleas. You'll also likely end up being a booty call. 

But from you posting it seems as if your more worried about your living situation rather then the marriage, which tells me he is aware of this and is mostly disastified with the marrige. Being unwanted by a women is a big turn off and he is rejecting you based on this. 

My advice, move out. file for divorce, hire a PI and find out if hes cheating. This will answer most of your questions. You could skip the cheating part if he is adamatly against a reconcilliation. what you don't know won't hurt you and I doubt you'll find any emotional closure there anyways, just more heartache.


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