# It's my last night with him



## beatricecat (Jan 13, 2016)

Tonight is the last night my husband and I share a bed together in our apartment before we separate, and I'm trying to do everything I possibly can to stay strong, and just be as graceful about the situation as possible. I don't want to leave, but he said this is what he wants so I can't force him to stay.

I'm exhausted from packing and going to doctor appointments all day, and I would like to just lay down in my bed one last time and sleep next to my husband and see him in the morning one last time, but every single time my head hits the pillow I can't stop myself from crying. He is my one true love, and having to let him go is killing me on the inside.

My dad gave me advice the other day, and it changed my outlook on things. And I finally started feeling like I could make some positive changes and save my marriage, and I felt empowered. But that all goes away the second I get into bed and realize that this might be the last time I get to sleep beside him.

I feel like the wind has been knocked out of my chest and I just would like to have this one last little moment before my whole world gets flipped upside down.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Beautiful sentiments and, I'm sorry.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

beatricecat said:


> Tonight is the last night my husband and I share a bed together in our apartment before we separate, and I'm trying to do everything I possibly can to stay strong, and just be as graceful about the situation as possible. I don't want to leave, but he said this is what he wants so I can't force him to stay.
> 
> I'm exhausted from packing and going to doctor appointments all day, and I would like to just lay down in my bed one last time and sleep next to my husband and see him in the morning one last time, but every single time my head hits the pillow I can't stop myself from crying. He is my one true love, and having to let him go is killing me on the inside.
> 
> ...


You are going to be fine, no matter what. Time flows like a river. It heals. You will realize how to be happy by yourself and in doing so will help save the marriage.


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

I may have missed something or another thread , but why are you separating????


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Just very sorry. Try not to forget that things never stay THIS bad for very long. You'll get better. You'll get through it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## beatricecat (Jan 13, 2016)

Relationship Teacher said:


> You are going to be fine, no matter what. Time flows like a river. It heals. You will realize how to be happy by yourself and in doing so will help save the marriage.


I know I will be fine, but I'm just scared I'm going to lose him. I don't think I could ever love another person the way I love him.


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

beatricecat said:


> I know I will be fine, but I'm just scared I'm going to lose him. I don't think I could ever love another person the way I love him.


Accepting that it might end gives your marriage better chances. Give him whatever space he needs, but do occasionally prompt him with invitations.


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## beatricecat (Jan 13, 2016)

straightshooter said:


> I may have missed something or another thread , but why are you separating????


Long story short we both had issues, and rather than turning to him I just drank to forget about things, and rather than turning to me he just went out and partied with his motorcycle club. And the arguments and bitterness got to a point where he said that he loves me very much and still cares about me, but he is no longer in love with me.


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## beatricecat (Jan 13, 2016)

Relationship Teacher said:


> Accepting that it might end gives your marriage better chances. Give him whatever space he needs, but do occasionally prompt him with invitations.


 I'm worried about giving him too much space though because I'm afraid he's just going to take the time to move on and forget about me.

I did schedule marriage counseling for about a week from now just to help us outline the separation and to try to get him to just listen to me rather than shut down and try to make a fight out of it.


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

beatricecat said:


> I'm worried about giving him too much space though because I'm afraid he's just going to take the time to move on and forget about me.
> 
> I did schedule marriage counseling for about a week from now just to help us outline the separation and to try to get him to just listen to me rather than shut down and try to make a fight out of it.


You need to start dating again. The invitations are along those lines. Let him accept the invitation, like when you first dated him. Relationships prosper when both individuals volunteer their time.


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

Beatrice,

Sorry to hear this. I am assuming since you did not say anything that there is no infidelity involved here by either of you??? Had to ask because you drinking and him partying makes that easier to happen.

I hope you can get him to MC to see what is REALLY causing him to say what he is saying about not being in love with you. I hope there is no other woman involved and that you two can work this out. I would not give up yet.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

I know how you feel. I spent my last night with my ex H sleeping next to him in bed. This was after we'd been sleeping in separate beds for about 3 months. 

It was a kind of goodbye. 

Then the butthead wouldn't get up out of bed to say goodbye properly when his mom came to take me to the airport the next morning. It was in that moment that I remembered why I was leaving and knew I'd be fine.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Drinking adds extreme stress to a marriage (personal experience) and leads to the "no longer in love" situation (personal experience). It will be hard and you are hurting but you must use this separation time to focus on YOU. Work to improve YOU, not to win back husband but to make yourself happier. Hopefully your husband and you will decide on some rules of separation that will allow an easier path to either reconciliation or divorce.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

most of us here know the heartache and gut wrenching we go through when losing the love of our life. it's a feeling of desperation.
so sorry for your pain.

most of us have been through the other side that you have yet to go through. the other side is that side beyond the losing of your love, or reconciling with them.
we just can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. but it is there.


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## beatricecat (Jan 13, 2016)

Relationship Teacher said:


> You need to start dating again. The invitations are along those lines. Let him accept the invitation, like when you first dated him. Relationships prosper when both individuals volunteer their time.


He did agree that it would be okay for us to both go on dates. I want to go to marriage counseling first and give him about a month or so before we go on a date.


straightshooter said:


> Beatrice,
> 
> Sorry to hear this. I am assuming since you did not say anything that there is no infidelity involved here by either of you??? Had to ask because you drinking and him partying makes that easier to happen.
> 
> I hope you can get him to MC to see what is REALLY causing him to say what he is saying about not being in love with you. I hope there is no other woman involved and that you two can work this out. I would not give up yet.


Yeah, he confirmed that there is nobody else, and he agreed that as long as we are working on our marriage that we both will remain faithful to each other. And I believe him when he says that, even my dad said the other day he knows what type of guy Craig is, that he can tell by the way he looks at me that he loves me, and that he doesn't think Craig would be the type to cheat on me. And more than anything I trust my husband when he tells me that.

And even if he did cheat on me, it would hurt like hell, but I would even be willing to work past that if it meant that we could both live a happy life together in the future. But I am going to keep trying for us. The love we have for each other is still there, and the physical attraction is still there. I think more than anything we just shut each other out and lost the emotional attraction to each other.



Satya said:


> I know how you feel. I spent my last night with my ex H sleeping next to him in bed. This was after we'd been sleeping in separate beds for about 3 months.
> 
> It was a kind of goodbye.
> 
> Then the butthead wouldn't get up out of bed to say goodbye properly when his mom came to take me to the airport the next morning. It was in that moment that I remembered why I was leaving and knew I'd be fine.


I'm sorry you had to go through that. It's kinda crappy that he wouldn't give you that little gesture of peace and closure.



blueinbr said:


> Drinking adds extreme stress to a marriage (personal experience) and leads to the "no longer in love" situation (personal experience). It will be hard and you are hurting but you must use this separation time to focus on YOU. Work to improve YOU, not to win back husband but to make yourself happier. Hopefully your husband and you will decide on some rules of separation that will allow an easier path to either reconciliation or divorce.


I'm definitely going to take this time to find a new job, go to school, focus on selling my art and setting up that business, see my friends, get to where I am healthy again, and focus on getting the things I want. But ultimately at the end of the day, I don't want to share that with anyone else but him, and that's what I'm going to aim for.

I'm going to show him that I'm young and have a lot to look forward to, and that I would like to share in that with him. I did tell him that I would stop drinking at home and would tone down what I do drink when I go out, and I have stuck to that.



jorgegene said:


> most of us here know the heartache and gut wrenching we go through when losing the love of our life. it's a feeling of desperation.
> so sorry for your pain.
> 
> most of us have been through the other side that you have yet to go through. the other side is that side beyond the losing of your love, or reconciling with them.
> we just can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. but it is there.


I know it is, we still both love and care about each other very much, and I'm grateful to have even that. I'm glad we don't hate each other, and I'm so happy we can still share laughs, I know I'm so lucky to have just that alone.

But I know that if the love is still there between us both, then there is still a chance to fix things. But I know there is still a chance we might never get this back, and it's hard learning how to be okay with that. He means the world to me, and ultimately I hate knowing that by leaving me he might get deported back to South Africa, and give up his dream job, his friends, and the life he built here. I don't want to take that away from him, I love him so much I want him to have a good life no matter what, even if he decides that's not with me.


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

beatricecat said:


> He did agree that it would be okay for us to both go on dates. I want to go to marriage counseling first and give him about a month or so before we go on a date.


That is awesome. When you two focus on just enjoying the date, you will remember the passion that initially brought you together.


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

Beatrice,

You can separate and go on dates with each other but you should not accept him dating other women and basically doing whatever he wants to and have you still waiting. Either you separate and both date others or you do not.

And the same seat of rules should apply to both of you. Do not give him freedom to date and sleep with others and have you as a backup. Being Plan B does not work.


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## jebadoa (Jan 9, 2016)

Never give up. Read a couple of books to understand what you're up against. I recommend "Winning Your Husband Back Before It's Too Late" by Gary Smalley. 
Remember God can fix all wounds, and he CAN repair your marriage. Saving marriages is his will. Now take care of yourself and start arming yourself for battle against the worldly opponents of marriage.

I am going to pray right now that you are successful in winning him back, that God keeps Satan from taking advantage of opportunities to thwart you, and that your husband receive a heart like Jesus, full of compassion, forgiveness, and grace.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

straightshooter said:


> Beatrice,
> 
> You can separate and go on dates with each other but you should not accept him dating other women and basically doing whatever he wants to and have you still waiting. Either you separate and both date others or you do not.
> 
> And the same seat of rules should apply to both of you. Do not give him freedom to date and sleep with others and have you as a backup. Being Plan B does not work.


:iagree:

Make sure this means that this means you date one another, and NOT other people.

My XH and I agreed in MC that when we separated that we would date one another, but not other people. After he moved out, he decided that our agreement actually meant that we would each date OTHER PEOPLE, but he forgot to tell me. So I was quite surprised to learn several months later that he had a girlfriend.

Of course, my XH was an emotionally abusive assh0le, among other things. If your husband really wants to save the marriage, he won't do this. Just make sure that you are both on the same page regarding the rules of the separation. It's a good idea to put them in writing.

So sorry you're going through this, hon. I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but you will be OK, no matter what the eventual outcome is.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I think you should stop focusing on winning him back and instead focus on yourself and getting healthy on your own.


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