# Feeling so sad and lost right now



## lonelywife2 (Sep 23, 2008)

**Sorry this is really long but I needed to vent and get it all out. 

Hello! My marriage has been in trouble for a while. Let me give a little history. My husband and I have been together for about 6 years, married for 2 1/2 years. We have 2 kids together that are very young, and then I have 2 kids from a previous marriage. 

I was very young when I got married to my first husband. He was really selfish and immature and cheated on me all the time. He eventually left me for another woman, and I became a single mom with 2 kids. 

A couple of years later, I had moved on and life was great. I met my second husband and was really happy. My husband had sort of a sketchy past. He had a lot of really intense, crazy relationships with lots of infidelity (on both sides) that were committed. 

With us, things were different. We got along great, and I always knew that my husband was absolutely crazy about me. We dated for about 3 years before we got married, and the first 18 months of our relationship was a long distance relationship and I never once had any concerns that he was cheating on me. 

So, I moved up to where he lived and we got married. We had another baby (he was planned) and life seemed good. Then, I found out that my husband was involved in an emotional affair with a female co-worker. The discovery was made on Christmas Eve when I found a text message sent from her to my husband saying "You too. Kiss kiss, love me". I couldn't tell what he had texted her because he had deleted the outgoing messages. I of course flipped out and was screaming and crying that I knew something was going on between them. This co-worker, was actually someone that my husband had hired several months earlier to replace me while I was pregnant (we are photographers and I had to sit out wedding season so my husband hired her to replace me). She is young, attractive, and has a lot in common with my husband. I was not surprised that he was drawn to her. So, after me flipping out over the text message, my husband insisted that nothing was going on between them. He said he was sorry and that he would cut all contact with her. I sent her a nasty email telling her she was fired from our business and that I didn't appreciate her sending my husband an innappropriate text message. She sent me back an email apologizing saying she was really sorry and that she had gotten drunk and didn't mean anything by it and that my husband loved me and would never do anything to jeopardize his family. I was still unsure of everything but I decided to forgive him and move on, which I did. 

Fast forward a few more months down the road, and things started to not make sense again. My husband was getting a lot of weird text messages and was hiding his phone from me. One day while he was out I pulled up our cell phone records on the computer and was crushed to find out that not only was he still texting her, but they were texting each other all hours of the day and night and they were calling each other and talking on the phone when I wasn't home. I confronted my husband and he admitted that he had been secretly seeing her behind my back. He still to this day denies any type of physical contact. He says he was having an emotional affair with her. I still have trouble believing him. I have thought about leaving him, but I really do love him. I want our marriage to work, but it's just so hard. This all happened back in April, and I have not recovered and our marriage is seriously in trouble. 

My husband was very apologetic and said he would cut all ties with her again. He even called her in front of me to tell her that he had screwed up and that he could no longer have any type of communication with her again. He started showing me phone records and stopped hiding his phone. He seemed to be genuine in his attempt to make things right again. 

Since then my husband started a new job where he has to travel across the country filming. He works with a small crew, and there is yet again another female working with him (not the same woman as before). They all have separate hotel rooms, but they are staying at the same hotel. Since it's a small crew (my husband, the woman, and another guy), they all spend a lot of time together, and they all go everywhere together. They only have one car for the entire group so they all go out to eat together, and spend all their down time together (even hanging out in each other's hotel rooms-supposedly as a group). You can see with my trust issues where this is going.......

The first two weeks of the trip, my husband was calling me a lot. Lately, he seems more distant, and irritable. I have not been helping the situation by my constant nagging about this female co-worker. My husband keeps insisting that nothing is going on, and that they are just friends, and that I need to stop worrying but I can't. They are spending so much time together, that I worry he's going to fall for her, like he did with the last chick. 

We've pretty much been arguing non stop for the past week. I have been accusing him of things, and asking him lots of questions, and then he gets mad and hangs up on me. Today we got into a huge fight over this female co-worker. She got in trouble because one of the maids in the hotel found a piece of a tobacco pipe in her room and called the police and she got arrested. Supposedly it's not hers and it was all a misunderstanding, but my husband seemed WAY too concerned over this chick and made the comment "I saw it in her room on the counter and it was there from the beginning so I know it's not hers". Of course hearing that he had been in her hotel room completely set me off and I flipped. I made a snide remark about him being overly concerned with her drama, and about him being in her room. He got really mad and told me he was tired of this crap and that he wanted a divorce. He hung up on me, and sent me a text saying it was over and that he was completely done with me. My husband has done this before, so I didn't take it all that seriously. But then he called back and asked to speak to the kids and I told him I wanted to talk to him first. He said "I'm calling the police to tell them that you are preventing me from talking to my kids". So, he hung up and called the police to report that I wasnt letting him speak to the kids. My husband has never done anything like this before so I started to panic that he was really serious about leaving me. I panicked and started acting really pathetic and sent him a text saying that I was sorry and that I didnt want him to leave me. 

So, then he texts me a few hours later and said "Hey baby. I'm eating dinner but i'll call you in a few minutes. I love you". Um, so now i'm completely confused! I texted him back and said "I thought you wanted a divorce?" His response was "I dont want to leave you but i'm tired of all the arguing". 

So, he called me a few minutes ago and we talked, and things are okay right now, but still shaky. I'm still pissed about him spending so much time with this co-worker chick (and even more furious he was in her room), but I feel like I can't even ask him about her anymore because he will just get mad. His defense was that he helped carry her bags for her so that's why he was in her room, but I don't buy that for a second. 

My husband's career is the type where he will have to travel a lot. He gets home in about a week and a half, and then he is home for 2 weeks and then leaves again for 2 months. This co-worker chick wont be working with him again for a while, but I can't help but just feel weird about the whole thing. 

I know I should probably save what's left of my sanity and get out of the relationship, but on the other hand it's just so hard to leave him. I really do love him a lot and the kids adore him. I dont really have any money or any family to stay with. I really have no where to go if we split up. People have told me before to just leave anyways, but it's just not that simple when there are young children involved. I feel like i'm living in constant emotional torture. I love him so much it's ridiculous, but on the other hand, I know this relationship isn't healthy. 

I worry that i'm too jealous and insecure to deal with a husband who travels all the time (especially given his track record). But, I dont want to leave him, so i've trapped myself into a real mess. 

I just feel so alone and sad. I constantly stress and worry about what he's doing and who he's with. I try not to think about it, but I can't let go.


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## Ladyinblue (Sep 18, 2008)

For the two of you to work on and salvage this relationship there have to be two people willing to do that. You can't do it alone, one person can't do it alone. That's where the beginning of your new relationship is starting. You can get through this. You can actually have deeper, more honest love on the other end of this. It's like rebuilding your home that's been knocked down by an earthquake. This time you're going to put a stronger foundation to make your relationship firm. But it has to start with radical honesty. It starts with "him being willing to make amends and understand that they don't want to do that ever again". It takes you to have the ability, once you move through your feelings, to forgive. It takes both of you being willing to realize that your relationship is the most important thing, that you don't want to lose it and that you're both making a commitment to remarry each other. 

If he is really committed to working on your marriage then it's important he realize that he's not going to be able to put the affair away and lock it up. He is going to have to be accountable.He is going to have to be prepared that you are going to ask him lots and lots and lots of questions. He may have to be giving up some of the freedom that he had.Weather its you may want to check his cell phone or email. You will want him to be an open book, and he has to be prepared to give that to you now, at least for a time. He has to be prepared to be radically honest about how he spends his time and how he spends his money. It's also important for him to understand the pain he has caused and that "this" has caused and be empathetic. You are going through post-traumatic stress here, which involves lots and lots and lots of feelings and reactions.He has to be patient as you move through this. Your spouse needs to make a decision about what is more important to him, is saving his marriage more important than having a mild fantasy with a phantom person at work? My hope for him is that he will choose to take this energy and bring it into your marriage and really stop himself from having an attraction that may go any further than it is at that moment.Honestly, I can't blame you for feeling the way you are feeling if he is spending so much time with a co-worker and admitted being her room (i think I'd go ballistic).On the other hand, keep in mind that he may have told you about it because he's really trying to be "genuinely" honest with you now? Try to see things from his perspective...Communicating your feelings is key-he needs to know how you are really feeling....let him respond without making him feel threatened by being honest.Nagging and verbal attacks will only push him further away.For him not to cheat again will take a lot of consciousness and a choice; a promise to you - but even more to himself - to live with radical honesty and to be in alignment and integrity with himself. He's got to learn faithfulness in order to not cheat again. It's not anything that's just natural. It starts with creating a bond to be absolutely walking the line of honesty, so that if he ever feels himself sway, or rationalizing any kind of behavior that's about cheating, he can tell himself no. Another thing in order to avoid cheating again is not to set himself up. Avoiding situations that are a setup. This is where honesty comes in. For him to know his setups and not go there.....

Before you heal your marriage, first heal your relationship with yourself. You've got to withdraw as much energy and focus on what has happened to you, and how bad you feel, and how betrayed you are, and start spending more time really realigning with 'What is it that I want? Who am I now that this has happened? What are my needs in this relationship?' It's time to become radically honest about who you are. This is an opportunity to rediscover, because there is no status quo anymore about what kind of relationship do you want. When you discover that you have rights, that you have needs, that you have needs that need to be taken care of, then you can go back into the relationship and say, "OK, for this relationship to work, this is what I need......."

Hopefully, even if you're really angry right now, you want to get to the bottom of this and you want to save your relationship, and hopefully there still is some love in there that you're fighting for, so start with "I love you. I'm devastated. I need to talk more about this. I want to hear the truth. I want to make this work. I want us to get through this. I don't even know how we're going to get through this- but I want to get through this, and this is what I need from you."- if you're expecting to rebuild your relationship, you need to rebuild the closeness,trust and intimacy that has been shattered.But you're partner must be committed 100%. It's the only way for your relationship to begin again. I know it may seem impossible, but you can save your marriage if you both really want to.

Stay strong-
LadyInblue


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## robin (Aug 24, 2008)

Love is not wishy washy. From what you have said it doesn't sound like love. Seems it's time to move on. Moving on is painful and depressing but you can do it. Be patient and know that what your feeling won't last forever. Learn from this relationship and prepare yourself for a healthier one next time around. Take care of yourself by keeping my with your routine, reading good books, surrounding yourself with people who do love you.

Best wishes!


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## lonelywife2 (Sep 23, 2008)

fredbridg said:


> Hello dear
> I see your husband as a man that desire young females with all the vital satistic intact and fluanting to the world,i see him look at you as boring which you are not going by your mail.


Here's the thing....I didn't want to get into this online because it's very private and well....embarrassing, but I dont think my husband finds me boring, I think he is just very sexually charged compared to most people. My husband has a very crazy past, which includes lots of sexual partners, and things that a typical person probably wouldn't do sexually. He loves porn and did not hide the fact that he looks at porn, even from the start of our relationship. 

Prior to meeting my husband, I was a huge prude. It's amazing that my husband and I even ended up getting married, because he is very sexually free and on the wild side, and i'm the complete opposite (perhaps why he was attracted to me in the first place?) 

The first few years of our relationship, we got along great in the aspect that we rarely fought or argued. We have always been on the same page as far as a lot of big issues go, and we dont fight about the typical petty stuff like most couples do. The number one issue that would come up ALL the time was that my husband felt like I was not physical enough for him. In his defense, I am NOT a touchy feely person. I dont really like to be touched, and I hate to kiss (which is something that is very important to my husband). My husband would talk to me again and again about how he felt rejected sexually by me, and that I needed to change. I would promise to change, but then not change and continue to push him away or just not put any effort into being physical with him. 

During my last pregnancy, I started to open up a little and we started trying new things. At first i'll admit I was doing it simply to try and please my husband, but after a while I started becoming more daring and open, and admittedly even started to enjoy having sex with my husband, which is something that I had not experienced (I used to think of it as a chore, that I wanted to end quickly). 

We have a VERY active sex life, and have sex pretty much every day of the week when he is home. Our sex life is far from ordinary, so I don't think my husband is bored with me. He tells me all the time how excited I make him and that wants me, etc. The problem is I worry that he could have a sexual addiction because he seems to almost need to have sex on a regular basis, be looking at porn, or be involved in some type of taboo thing, which is why I think he gets himself involved with other women because it's forbidden or against the rules. My husband has been a rule breaker since day 1. In fact that's how he has always lived his life and I dont see that ever changing. He is not the type of person that you can control or tell him what to do. He has never listed to authority or followed the rules. I don't know why I expected to change that  

It may sound crazy but I know that he really does love me. He freaks out anytime I mention that I want to leave. For the most part he is very loving and caring towards me, but lately I think he has distanced himself because of my nagging and complaining. I want to add that I am not entirely blaming myself, because he has made some very bad choices too and should also be held accountable for his actions. Last night we stayed up most of the night talking. Things have been better since our talk. I guess I just have to decide if I can stay with someone who looks at life completely different than I do. I can sometimes imagine myself being very happy with him, and then other times I think we are just too different and that we need to end it and move on. 

For now, I have decided to stay and see how things go. I had already planned on going back to school and I start in November. It's a year long program, and I will be making decent money when I finish. This will give me financial independance from my husband. Right now he makes all the money and I stay home with the kids. I have decided to let everything from the past go. I will never forget, but I can't keep obsessing over it. I'm literally making myself sick and I'm not a happy person to be around right now. 

I can't make him stay faithful to me so my non stop questioning him isn't going to prevent him from cheating. I have to take a blind leap of faith that he is making the right decisions (which he claims he is). If things don't improve after I work on myself and change my behavior, then I will know that I have done everything I could to salvage things, and that it is time to move on. 

Thanks for all the advice. It helped tremendously just being able to type out my story.


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## lonelywife2 (Sep 23, 2008)

Well it's been a few days since i've posted anything. Things are still rough at home. My DH is gone for another week. I've been trying not to nag at him when he doesn't call, but it doesn't seem to be helping anything. Last night him and his crew were out to dinner. We were texting each other back and forth until he suddenly told me to quit texting him so much because he was trying to eat and that I was spoiling his dinner. He was texting me too so I was just responding to his stupid texts. 

My feelings were crushed and I had never felt so rejected by him. I basically at that moment felt like "What am I doing sitting here crying over my husband who is acting like he could care less about me?" 

I didn't text him the rest of the night. Then he started texting me and I pulled back and resisted the urge to text him back (even though I wanted too). He sent me a text last night saying "Baby I love you so much. Please don't be mad at me. I'll call you before I go to bed". I didn't want to answer the phone, but I did. Things went okay I guess but he was exhausted and was practically falling asleep on the phone so he wasn't much company. In fact I dont think he even really heard a word I was saying. 

So anyways, he called me this morning and at first everything was going good. He was on his way to the airport because he has to fly to another state today. He asked me a question about some photo clients of ours and asked me if I replied to their email (they had a question about their pics). I started to explain to him what I told our clients in the email, and he once again cut me off and said "Babe. I have to go. Stop talking. All I asked you was whether or not you responded. I have to go". I was once again feeling really hurt by his coldness and said "Okay fine" and hung up. I have tears running down my face now and I just feel sad. 

I feel like he wants to talk to me when it's convenient for him. Anytime I have a problem or want to talk then he's too busy. He has the entire weekend off from work and wont be going back to work until Tuesday. I imagine he'll be partying hard with his little crew 

He gives me so many mixed signals that i'm getting tired of it. I'm not going to respond to him this weekend. Last weekend he got mad at me for texting him and calling him too much. He kept telling me that I needed to get out of the house, and that if I would go out and do stuff then I wouldn't be so mad about him going out and having fun. 

So, I signed up for a single parents group (and yes I told them upfront that I was married). I just figured they would know what i'm going through, since my husband is away more than he's home. They were going out for a dinner and a movie tonight and I had signed up to go. My husband flipped out when he found this out and forbid me to go. He was saying things like "You are going to get hit on" and "It's one of those hook up things" which it totally isnt. He got so angry and basically insisted that I cancel, which I did because I was tired of hearing him freak out about it. 

So, I cancelled my weekend plans, but yet he's already made it clear that they will be going out all weekend. I'm just so tired of the double standards. He tells me to go out and do stuff but what he's really telling me is "I can do whatever I want, but you can't". At this point I really don't want to talk to him at all. I'm getting really tired of the way he treats me. I'm getting tired of the aches and pains in my stomach from being a constant nervous wreck about what he's doing, or how he's feeling. I feel like I completely obsess over him, and I know for sure, he's not out there thinking or obsessing over me. 

I know it probably sounds really immature of me to not speak to him, but honestly talking to him just seems to cause me more pain. I'm cutting him off. I doubt he'll even care (heck he'll probably be relieved). 

So right now everything sucks and i'm hurting a lot 

Edited to add that before I could even hit send on this message my DH just called me back. He acted like nothing was wrong. I was quiet (I mean afterall if I start talking too much he gets annoyed with me). He asked me what was wrong and I said "What do you think?" I went on to say "I dont appreciate you being so cold to me. I was excited to talk to you, until you told me to basically be quiet and hung up on me". My DH got upset (he does this anytime things dont go his way), and started yelling at me and hung up on me. So, he just called back AGAIN and as soon as I answered he said "Let me talk to my daughter since you obviously don't give a [email protected]&k". So, I handed the phone over to my daughter and they talked for a while. Then my daughter handed the phone back to me and he tried to be all sweet and nice again. I am so tired of his controlling, verbally abusive crap! This is why I constantly feel sick to my stomach 

Edited to add again that since i'm not texting him back he keeps sending me more text messages. I just got one a second ago saying "I'm so sorry for the way I treated you. You deserve better. I love you so much sweety". I dont understand....does he love me or not? I dont get the mixed signals? Perhaps he's just messing with me to see how far he can push things. Either way I have not sent him one single text message since he sent me that rude message at dinner last night and I don't plan on it. I'm tired of chasing him like some pathetic wimp. I DO deserve better. I'm cute, smart, and in pretty darn good shape for a mother of 4. I think deep down he knows that which is why he strings me along and says just enough for me to not dump him. He may be getting divorce paperwork on one of his upcoming trips. I just dont know how much longer I can go on like this.


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## Ladyinblue (Sep 18, 2008)

lonelywife2,

WOW you sound like me....I feel like we may be sharing the same life in some parallel dimension! I can literally FEEL the frustration and intensity that comes across your posts. I know what what you mean.I can totally relate to your situation from my own experiences I'll just forewarn you that i always speak with radical honesty, although always in a tactful way.In fact, it would be rude not to say how i really feel..and so I'd like to share my thoughts with you. I too am going through the aftermath of an emotional affair myself, and i understand how sensitive your feelings may be right now...A few things you said stuck out to me.

My feelings were crushed and I had never felt so rejected by him. I basically at that moment felt like "What am I doing sitting here crying over my husband who is acting like he could care less about me?"

I understand how you may have interpreted his response that way, but if you guys were both fooling around" he may have said it "jokingly"-I'm just looking at this from an objective side.With Text messages you can't really tell, your only seeing words- so its easy to misinterpret things sometimes.

I started to explain to him what I told our clients in the email, and he once again cut me off and said "Babe. I have to go. Stop talking. All I asked you was whether or not you responded. I have to go". I was once again feeling really hurt by his coldness and said "Okay fine" and hung up.

I'm sure him cutting you off and telling you he had to go and all he asked was one thing-came across as him "being cold".But he may have been in the middle of something and busy at the moment, and just needed some quick info, so he was trying to avoid getting into a long conversation? I think in both instances- you may have reacted to his comments because of your feelings of anger and betrayal toward him. (trust me, you have every right to feel the way you do) In any case, you have to keep in mind, what's really going on when you start to feel rejected by something he says.

I met my second husband and was really happy. My husband had sort of a sketchy past. He had a lot of really intense, crazy relationships with lots of infidelity (on both sides) that were committed.

My husband has a very crazy past, which includes lots of sexual partners, and things that a typical person probably wouldn't do sexually. He loves porn and did not hide the fact that he looks at porn, even from the start of our relationship.

My husband has been a rule breaker since day 1. In fact that's how he has always lived his life and I don't see that ever changing. He is not the type of person that you can control or tell him what to do. He has never listed to authority or followed the rules. I don't know why I expected to change that:scratchhead:


The first thing I want to say is i can tell that you're a woman who has been holding a relationship together with your own two bare hands for months or years of pain and heartache... while your man does all kinds of ridiculous and stupid stuff again and again.I feel for you, because I've been in your situation more than once.In a way, I wish I could keep you from ever feeling like you have to do all "the work" in your relationship ever again.But here's the reality..relationships are Hard work period.There are no short cuts or easy ways to maintain one.Sure you can just give up, break up and move on....its a lot easier to start over with a clean slate right? But here's the thing, unless we take the time to analyze ourselves and whats going on inside of us-the same drama will resurface in our next relationship.We carry all that baggage to the next one and repeat the same stupid mistakes.Then we wonder why we have such "bad luck with men"...it has nothing to do with luck. We see all these Awesome relationships in movies and soap operas and we want that so Bad! So what do we do? We go out and find someone who we know isn't relationship material and try to create the kind of relationship we want with them.We choose the wrong men and repeat the same mistakes...the first thing we need to understand is what kind of qualities do we look for in that ideal man? If you can't find any qualities you like in a man, then chances are he is the "wrong man" and no matter how much work you put into your relationship with him...it won't change who he "*really is*".

I think part of you already knows exactly where I'm going here. One of the most important things I've learned over the years is this- If you don't know yourself and are unwilling to gain insight into your own thinking and behavior then you're destined to contribute to your own suffering.How many girlfriends have you known who have been with guys who might have been "OK" people, but the guy just kept doing things to them over and over that broke their heart again and again?And you watched as each time things went bad, the same cycle of behavior started again, only to end up exactly where it left off the last time with her telling herself he would change and things would be different.You wished you could pull your girlfriend out of this, but all you could do was support her and be a loving shoulder to cry on when the predictable bad cycle started again. But let me ask you...You may not realize it right now, but odds are that if you've had a run of "failed" relationships like i have... then you too (like me) have been guilty of both choosing the wrong man... and of trying to fix or save a situation that was never yours to try and salvage in the first place. Men are "as is" items. Like a pair of shoes. If you buy a pair "as is", you can't bring them back to the store and expect to exchange them for a new pair. Sales are final. No returns. No repairs.If you're taking a good hard look at a man you want to change something about - it's wise to understand that he's not a ball of clay who can be shaped over time. He's more of a pot that was made from clay who has already been "fired." He's already "fixed" as far as you're concerned once you're in a relationship with him.

That is, unless HE DECIDES he wants to grow and change for himself (Hint - notice that I didn't say change for you)Don't get me wrong, men can listen and grow and change with the help of others.Many good men grow, and do so often. But it usually takes a strong teacher, mentor or authority figure for a man to hear them and be open to learning from their feedback. But this does not mean that you should become a man's "teacher." (Although i always tried) Here's why You ABSOLUTELY 100% CANNOT take on this role as a man's "teacher" AND at the same time be *THE WOMAN * he truly loves, wants to please, and is passionately attracted to.The two roles just don't go together.Taking on one role simply doesn't allow you to act as the other. So knowing that... which role would you like to be in your relationship to the man you love? I remember in all my past relationships ignoring all the red flags,choosing "wrong men" and then taking on that role of the "Teacher" out of DESPERATION and FRUSTRATION with the relationship because they didn't treat me as the "beloved Lover" I wanted to be treated as. And because of this, the "teaching" i tried and did was accidentally done in a way where they felt constantly criticized. (Which happens when a woman tries to tell a man where he's going wrong - even when she's coming from a place of LOVE and SUPPORT.)

For the most part he is very loving and caring towards me, but lately I think he has distanced himself because of my nagging and complaining.


Truth be told, a man doesn't want a woman who will try and change him or tell him how to think or act.Think "nagging" in a man's mind. A man, just like a woman, wants someone who
will make him feel appreciated and accepted for who he is. Long story short, I don't think that you, as a woman, should have to do all "the work" in your relationship, and constantly be looking for what's wrong with him. Men should do their part in love and in the relationship.But... It's my belief and experience that the only thing you can do in a real relationship out of "true love" to help your partner is to: RECOGNIZE and ACCEPT who your partner "REALLY" is (as a person), and not what you "want them to be" and Secondly, Be the very best "you" that you can be. And not just for the sake of your relationship, but for your *own sake*.Considering this last point, why would you ever be upset about being the one to be CONSCIOUS and GROWING in the way you are in your relationship? My past relationships were all really painful, but they all taught me important lessons about myself that helped me grow into the person i am today.Even Still, I have a lot more to learn. I learned by trial and error that you can't fix a man.It would be nice if we had that kind of power.But the sad truth is-the more you try, the more unhappy you are going to be, the more the man in your life is going to resent you and not enjoy being around you... and the more your relationship is going to fall apart. Trying to "fix" a man is a *GIANT* trap that way too many women unconsciously fall into in their relationships without ever realizing it.And it's this "teaching" that a man perceives not as love and a desire to improve your relationship, but as CRITICISM, that is the very thing that PUSHES HIM AWAY and makes him withdraw. Ironic, isn't it? - that the more you try and "fix" your relationship by talking to a man, the more you can make him feel like your relationship just isn't working.
You can't convince a man to change and feel or act differently. 
This only creates more resistance inside him to be in a deep and loving committed relationship with.Ask yourself-is he right for you? You need to look deep inside yourself and understand what qualities attracted you to him in the first place?What do you love about him? If you can't answer these questions honestly, then making your relationship last is going to be all uphill-All work and that will only lead to more anger and resentment on your part. 

I know each of us has their own life experiences and negative beliefs that affect the way we perceive things-sometimes they help and other times they can make our lives a lot harder.But its up to us to have the courage to take a good hard look at ourselves and really look for solutions that require both individual responsibility as well as change. I apologize for the ridiculously long response.I have to go finish my laundry before my kids get home from school! 

I hope there's something in my response that's helpful in some way to you.You are here like me,on this forum asking others for advice,speaking about our personal problems.That shows we are both humble and proactive (which are really awesome qualities)about our lives and ourselves .


LadyInBlue


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## bluebutterfly0808 (Aug 18, 2008)

i too can relate to both of you! my husband can always find a way to get an argument to turn around & somehow be my fault. i've come to the conclusion, like ladyinblue said, i can only change myself to see if i get different results from him. i can't & never will be able to change him. plus, i want him to change not because i told him to but because he feels that is what he needs to do! lady is right! work on yourself & see how that goes. that's what i've decided to do & i am feeling liberated! stay strong & good luck!


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