# Lost attraction to wife's appearance



## GerryF (Jul 4, 2016)

We've been together 16 years. We have 3 kids. Our relationship overall is really good, but there has been something that has been really bothering me for while.

My wife's appearance has changed, dramatically. Facially and in other ways.

When we met she was slim, feminine, soft features, and just plain sexy in every way. She was a girly girl. She worked out, ate healthy, and put effort into her health and appearance.

We got married 8 years after we first met. After we got married years later she slowly started to gain weight. That didnt bother me because she was still attractive in spite of the weight gain. Slowly as more time went by she started letting go of the things she used to do. Slowly stopped working out, stopped wearing makeup or making herself look good. I attributed it to the norms of getting and being married.


But over the past 7 years or so her facial appearance began changing slowly. It is no longer feminine in appearance. It has hints of masculinity. She no longer looks feminine at all. And from the time we got married to now she is almost 70 pounds heavier. She weighs a lot more than I do. (Whereas I'm thinner and fitter now than I was when we first met).

This is a real problem. I find her completely unappealing from a physical sense. I cannot look at her face when we are intimate. It has too many masculine features. All I see is a man. Its a total turn off. It's began impacting my attraction to her. 

I cannot get sexually excited with her any more. I literally have to close my eyes and think about or imagine some other sexy, feminine and attractive woman. I've tried looking past the physical appearance, but I cant do it. 

What do I do? I dont want to hurt her feelings by telling her the truth so I havent said anything. But its totally thrown off our sex life. I find it almost impossible to initiate and keep excitement.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

How old are you guys? 

It may get worse for you in the future if you do not bring up this subject with her. 
Why do you think she has stopped making an effort? 


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## techmom (Oct 22, 2012)

Is she taking hormones to cause the masculine appearance?


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## citygirl4344 (Mar 4, 2016)

Sounds like she might be taking hormones..how old is she? Is she taking something for menopause?




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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

The manly facial features is concerning..... that seems like hormonal issues.

Have your suggested she see a doctor? 

Can you be more specific about what causes her to look masculine? Surely weight gain and not wearing makeup is not reason by itself to look like a man. Maybe that is something you can approach to get her to a doctor. 

For instance, I'm pretty sure PCOS can cause some masculine traits because of the hormone issues.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

GerryF said:


> My wife's appearance has changed, dramatically. Facially and in other ways.


My guess is that she now cuts her hair rather short like many mature women do, and that her weight gain has filled out her cheeks/chin to make her profile bulky. There is also a possibility that she may have some facial hair now that she is aging and hormones are changing. 

If this is the case, you should encourage your wife to grow her hair out and possibly dye it an exciting youthful color. Other than that, you could perhaps get her to dress more feminine and wear lingerie.

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

lifeistooshort said:


> For instance, I'm pretty sure PCOS can cause some masculine traits because of the hormone issues.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That's immediately where my mind went. PCOS can give a woman a 5-o'clock shadow.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

do you think she is aware of her changes and loss of attractiveness, or do you think she is oblivious?

my guess is that she is aware but doesn't know what to do about it.
it isn't easy to lose 70 lbs certainly. she is probably secure enough in the long term marriage that she has become complacent.

my wife has gained 30-40 lbs since we married, but she is still attractive, even beautiful.

this is really a tough one. i think women can give better answers, but i would vote for tenderly, gently talking with her about this.
reassure your love and commitment for her, but be honest about how she has let her looks and weight go downhill.
by her reaction you will know where her head is at.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

putting the shoe on the other foot, i know if i were to gain 40 lbs, get a beer belly and not groom, my wife would let me know.

in fact every once in a while, she will critique me with something like 'i don't think you're drinking enough water, because you have an odor'.
or 'your hair growth is scratching me'. this sometimes stings my fragile man ego, but once i get over it, i take it and try to do something about it.
not really comparable to your situation, but i think the principle is the same. 

if it's good for the goose, it should be good for the gander.

i don't criticize her weight gain because she is fully aware of it, sometimes calls herself 'fat' and says 'you have been so patient with me.'
no use being critical when they are fully aware. i only encourage her to exercise and eat right.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

When was the last time your wife went to a doctor? 

What kind of lifestyle do you two have? Is there any reason you can't start being more active and outdoorsy, getting the family out together on bike rides or walks or hikes, trips to the beach for swimming, or other activities? Not only will the activity help get everyone more healthy and trim, it helps bring couples together so that their emotional intimacy increases...emotional intimacy and love can give you "beer goggles" so you see your partner as being much more attractive (even if they have a face only a mother could love).

Does your wife have time with friends? Often, female friends can encourage a person to dress more attractively and try different hair and make-up styles - they might go shopping together and help each other figure out what looks nice.

Basically, change things up and see if things change.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

You have to tell her. You should be nice about it but you have to tell her. She deserves a chance to fix it. Also doctor makes sense.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

You could read His Needs Her Needs with her. It explains that many men desire / need an attractive wife.

Before I read that of course I felt it but did not feel it was a valid need. After reading, I realized it was ok to assert that need, gently. I find my wife beautiful, sexy and attractive, but she wore little makeup and hid herself behind baggy, bad clothing. Dressed very conservatively.

But we've both worked on this - even my daughters help her and have encouraged her to be more confident in her appearance. 

We're both very pleased with significant changes over the past year. It's a difficult balancing act - addressing the issue with your spouse can hurt their self esteem; but making the changes can help their self esteem. So it's a delicate situation to navigate and still keep it positive.

I tell her and show her constantly that she is beautiful and that helps because she knows I am not pandering.

Your situation will be harder because it's her physical appearance, but you can still carefully address it. If you start with that book and make it about your needs versus her appearance that might help. Also, if you have some suggestions that are easy to start with that can help / like suggesting makeup or clothing. Again - it's a tightrope - but if you're sensitive (which it sounds like you are) then you can go gently.

Once you've started then hopefully it will get easier.


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## wild jade (Jun 21, 2016)

Or perhaps let her go so that she can find someone who appreciates her and doesn't need her to fit some feminine ideal. 

This would also free you to find someone more to your liking.

(If my husband told me how to dress or do my hair or makeup, I would tell him to go jump in the lake.)


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

wild jade said:


> Or perhaps let her go so that she can find someone who appreciates her and doesn't need her to fit some feminine ideal.
> 
> This would also free you to find someone more to your liking.


Sadly, I think that is the path many take instead of being honest with their spouses and themselves, stating their needs, and giving their spouse a chance to respond in some fashion.

Seems it's easier to divorce than deal with unpleasantness.

Kind of surprising from you jade - since you've chosen to work with the incompatibilities in your relationship. I hope you are being honest - gently - with H, too


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## wild jade (Jun 21, 2016)

TheTruthHurts said:


> Sadly, I think that is the path many take instead of being honest with their spouses and themselves, stating their needs, and giving their spouse a chance to respond in some fashion.
> 
> Seems it's easier to divorce than deal with unpleasantness.
> 
> Kind of surprising from you jade - since you've chosen to work with the incompatibilities in your relationship. I hope you are being honest - gently - with H, too


My husband has gained significant weight, and as you have noted, has other issues that I am continuing to work with. But I don't have to close my eyes to have sex with him, nor do I feel the need to tell him how to dress, do his hair, or want to put him down for being unmanly (or whatever the the right analogy is here). 

Would I like him to lose weight and take better care of himself? Yes. But he's a big boy and has to make the decision for himself.

I also don't respond very well to people telling me what to do. If you don't find me attractive anymore, just fess up and we'll both move on to someone more compatible.


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## GerryF (Jul 4, 2016)

She's in her mid-30s and I just turned 40.



techmom said:


> Is she taking hormones to cause the masculine appearance?


No. Prior to having kids she was on low dose birth control pills. After kids she didnt want to anything hormonal and went for the all copper IUD.





lifeistooshort said:


> The manly facial features is concerning..... that seems like hormonal issues.
> 
> Have your suggested she see a doctor?
> 
> ...


The masculinity is in her facial structure. Its changed. Larger jaw line, wider face (as in the bone structure underneath and not fat). Brow bone has increased in size. Her skin has changed, its become very thick skinned and is like a mans. Facial hairs have increased (the natural slight and light tiny fuzz hairs normally found on all women has become a lot longer, thicker and prominent) .... which made me first think hormonal change, but shes not menopausal yet. Her natural body odor has also changed. Its not the same. It smells very different.

I thought perhaps it was PCOS as well, but she's had visits to the doctor for regular check ups (including GYN/OB visits). And she's given birth twice in the last 6 years, so chances of PCOS are fairly low (she got pregnant very easily and she really doesnt have any of the other symptoms). Also the doctor(s) never mentioned anything wrong with her from a medical standpoint and her test results were always good. Our family doctor is quite thorough with his physicals so I cant imagine he would have missed something. But he did talk to her about her weight and mentioned it would be in her best interests health-wise to lose weight.

Its what makes it all confusing.




jorgegene said:


> do you think she is aware of her changes and loss of attractiveness, or do you think she is oblivious?
> 
> my guess is that she is aware but doesn't know what to do about it.
> it isn't easy to lose 70 lbs certainly. she is probably secure enough in the long term marriage that she has become complacent.
> ...



I'm not sure. I think because the changes occurred over a long period of time and slowly I dont really know if she is aware of it. But then again if she were to compare photos from 10 years ago to ones taken now the difference it quite substantial and obvious.

So I cant tell whether she realizes and just doesnt care, or she realizes it and is just hiding that it bothers her.




sokillme said:


> You have to tell her. You should be nice about it but you have to tell her. She deserves a chance to fix it. Also doctor makes sense.


Thats the problem, I dont know a way I can mention it without totally crushing her. I tried putting myself in her shoes and I couldnt think of a way to say it or bring it up without destroying her sense of self. And thats one of my biggest fears. I'm not out to hurt her.





wild jade said:


> Or perhaps let her go so that she can find someone who appreciates her and doesn't need her to fit some feminine ideal.
> 
> This would also free you to find someone more to your liking.
> 
> (If my husband told me how to dress or do my hair or makeup, I would tell him to go jump in the lake.)


Feminine ideal? Its more like her old healthy self. 

Your outer appearance is a signal to your inner health status. 

You are very wrong to think I dont appreciate her. Just because my body and mind is not sexually attracted to her appearance as it is now has no bearing on my feelings for her. You may love someone for being who they are, but it doesnt always mean you will be sexually attracted to them physically.

I kept up my appearance, and my health. Its not fun and games and I take it very seriously and put effort into it. So if I can do it, she can do it too. She's not disabled or impaired in anyway.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

GerryF said:


> The masculinity is in her facial structure. Its changed. Larger jaw line, wider face (as in the bone structure underneath and not fat). Brow bone has increased in size. Her skin has changed, its become very thick skinned and is like a mans. Facial hairs have increased (the natural slight and light tiny fuzz hairs normally found on all women has become a lot longer, thicker and prominent) .... which made me first think hormonal change, but shes not menopausal yet. Her natural body odor has also changed. Its not the same. It smells very different.
> 
> I thought perhaps it was PCOS as well, but she's had visits to the doctor for regular check ups (including GYN/OB visits). And she's given birth twice in the last 6 years, so chances of PCOS are fairly low (she got pregnant very easily and she really doesnt have any of the other symptoms). Also the doctor(s) never mentioned anything wrong with her from a medical standpoint and her test results were always good. Our family doctor is quite thorough with his physicals so I cant imagine he would have missed something. But he did talk to her about her weight and mentioned it would be in her best interests health-wise to lose weight.
> 
> Its what makes it all confusing.


She still might have a hormonal imbalance. Her adrenal glands might be producing too much testosterone, which can cause some of those symptoms. Her doctors wouldn't necessarily have done a hormone work-up if they don't know there might be an issue. It's not something they always check like cholesterol. Also most doctors aren't experts on hormones. If she thinks she has an issue, she should talk to her doctor.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

GerryF said:


> Thats the problem, I dont know a way I can mention it without totally crushing her. I tried putting myself in her shoes and I couldnt think of a way to say it or bring it up without destroying her sense of self. And thats one of my biggest fears. I'm not out to hurt her.


Can't you just say, something is up. Like, "hun, I want you to get checked because something seem up. Your face seems to be changing. Maybe you should have some blood work done."


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

She could also have a thyroid problem. I was around her age when I noticed some features changing, added hair growth, increasing weight gain, and some other symptoms like tiring more easily. Thought it was just because I was getting older. Turned out, I have Hashimoto's. My immune system is attacking my thryroid.

Here's the thing, general physicals, general blood work, and general gyno exams WILL NOT find PCOS or most hormone imbalances. Specific testing has to be ordered. Start out by telling your wife how you feel and that you suspect she has a hormone issue. That should motivate her to get to the doctor and explain the situation, hopefully leading to treatment.

BTW, my sister has 4 children, all conceived despite her best efforts not to, while she had PCOS.


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## wild jade (Jun 21, 2016)

GerryF said:


> Feminine ideal? Its more like her old healthy self.
> 
> Your outer appearance is a signal to your inner health status.
> 
> ...


I hear ya! Am in a somewhat similar situation myself. But age doesn't make any of us prettier. No matter how well we look after ourselves. So what do we do then?

I don't know anything about these hormone issues though --and absolutely if she has a medical problem, she should seek treatment.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

MJJEAN said:


> Here's the thing, general physicals, general blood work, and general gyno exams WILL NOT find PCOS or most hormone imbalances. Specific testing has to be ordered. Start out by telling your wife how you feel and that you suspect she has a hormone issue. That should motivate her to get to the doctor and explain the situation, hopefully leading to treatment.
> 
> BTW, my sister has 4 children, all conceived despite her best efforts not to, while she had PCOS.


:iagree:

PCOS _can_ cause infertility. Fertility does not disprove PCOS as PCOS does not always cause infertility.

I echo the advise to try to get her to get all of her hormones checked. Thickening facial hair is a HUGE sign of hormonal imbalance.


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## btterflykisses (Apr 29, 2016)

She may have Cushing's Syndrome. It causes all the physical changes you described.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

TheTruthHurts said:


> It's a difficult balancing act - addressing the issue with your spouse can hurt their self esteem; but making the changes can help their self esteem. So it's a delicate situation to navigate and still keep it positive.


Good advice. Seriously.

Problem?

Most men cannot balance themselves on a spinning log.

They cannot tap dance.

They cannot look at a tiger in the eye......and not blink.

But they can and do....endure.

I would approach this problem from a health angle. Tell her [that] you love her and are concerned about her health. Push her to do healthier things and to see medical professionals.

PCOS {IF TRUE} is incurable. Metformin and anti-androgens may help. Get a proper diagnosis...not one from well wishers.


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## Phil Anders (Jun 24, 2015)

GerryF said:


> *The masculinity is in her facial structure. Its changed. Larger jaw line, wider face (as in the bone structure underneath and not fat). Brow bone has increased in size. Her skin has changed, its become very thick skinned and is like a mans. Facial hairs have increased *(the natural slight and light tiny fuzz hairs normally found on all women has become a lot longer, thicker and prominent) .... which made me first think hormonal change, but shes not menopausal yet. Her natural body odor has also changed. Its not the same. It smells very different.
> 
> I thought perhaps it was PCOS as well, but she's had visits to the doctor for regular check ups (including GYN/OB visits). And she's given birth twice in the last 6 years, so chances of PCOS are fairly low (she got pregnant very easily and she really doesnt have any of the other symptoms). Also the doctor(s) never mentioned anything wrong with her from a medical standpoint and her test results were always good. Our family doctor is quite thorough with his physicals so I cant imagine he would have missed something. But he did talk to her about her weight and mentioned it would be in her best interests health-wise to lose weight.


Acromegaly?


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## imperfectworld (Jan 18, 2015)

As an "alumni" of a coached diet program I enjoy seeing transformation photos every week. 70 lbs is definitely enough to cause all kinds of aesthetic changes as you describe. And I can relate to your description of changes in "bone structure" etc. - but happily this is completely wrong! It's all fat and all reversible. People often look at least ten years younger. 

The real challenge is for anyone to actually do it. It's not easy to commit to 6-8 months of a serious program, especially with naysayers emerging from friends and family.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

imperfectworld said:


> As an "alumni" of a coached diet program I enjoy seeing transformation photos every week. 70 lbs is definitely enough to cause all kinds of aesthetic changes as you describe. And I can relate to your description of changes in "bone structure" etc. - but happily this is completely wrong! It's all fat and all reversible. People often look at least ten years younger.
> 
> The real challenge is for anyone to actually do it. It's not easy to commit to 6-8 months of a serious program, especially with naysayers emerging from friends and family.


Umm, it's not necessarily "all fat" nor is it necessarily reversable. IF she has a hormone imbalance, she can exercise and strictly diet with zero results. And, yes, hormone imbalance can literally change the shape of the body. 

I have experienced some physical changes due to the Hashimoto's. My sister has due to PCOS. We both got treatment, me hormone replacement and her a hysterectomy. Some of the physical changes we have experienced will revert with time. Others will lessen, but never go back to "normal". And still others are permanent.

I really can't express enough how much I'd like to see the OP's wife visit a doctor, explain ALL the symptoms, and have a very thorough series of blood testing to check for hormone issues. Hormone imbalance is nothing to sneeze at. There are many serious health problems that can be directly traced back to wonky hormones. In fact, I've been having heart problems due to my thyroid. Migraines, too.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

wild jade said:


> My husband has gained significant weight, and as you have noted, has other issues that I am continuing to work with. But I don't have to close my eyes to have sex with him, nor do I feel the need to tell him how to dress, do his hair, or want to put him down for being unmanly (or whatever the the right analogy is here).
> 
> Would I like him to lose weight and take better care of himself? Yes. But he's a big boy and has to make the decision for himself.
> 
> I also don't respond very well to people telling me what to do. If you don't find me attractive anymore, just fess up and we'll both move on to someone more compatible.




Though this might not be a need of yours, for "most men" - if you believe His Needs Her Needs - it is a need. No need to attempt to invalidate someone else's need just because it isn't yours.

Similarly, most men don't need their wives to be financial providers, but that ranks highly among many / most women. Read the threads of women with H who can't hold a job and you will see their stress and unhappiness.

BTW fortunately my W also doesn't have this as a need or my significant weight gain would have been a problem sooner. Though I am consistently working out with a trainer now, I am doing it for myself and my health. But if it was an issue for my W I would have dealt with it sooner. It's just not.

Anyway, it's a moot issue as OP has clarified that the changes are significant enough to warrant concern over her health.




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## eric1 (Apr 10, 2015)

While there could be a legit medical reason for this, there is no reason why the first step isn't the adoption of a healthy lifestyle, which sounds like does not exist at this time.


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## wild jade (Jun 21, 2016)

TheTruthHurts said:


> Though this might not be a need of yours, for "most men" - if you believe His Needs Her Needs - it is a need. No need to attempt to invalidate someone else's need just because it isn't yours.
> 
> Similarly, most men don't need their wives to be financial providers, but that ranks highly among many / most women. Read the threads of women with H who can't hold a job and you will see their stress and unhappiness.
> 
> ...


I didn't invalidate his need. I suggested he get it met.

I've been thinking about this, and at least from my perspective, I give my husband absolutely everything I have. If he is going to then not find me attractive because I am changing with age or having issues of my own, well sorry, but I have absolutely nothing more to give. If he can't deal with me getting uglier as I get older, he needs to go find someone else.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

wild jade said:


> I didn't invalidate his need. I suggested he get it met.
> 
> 
> 
> I've been thinking about this, and at least from my perspective, I give my husband absolutely everything I have. If he is going to then not find me attractive because I am changing with age or having issues of my own, well sorry, but I have absolutely nothing more to give. If he can't deal with me getting uglier as I get older, he needs to go find someone else.




I agree with this wording. However if the change in appearance isn't aging, but instead is neglect and complacency, then I think it's ok to try to help your spouse see that it hurts to be taken for granted.

I am very overweight, but I am very well groomed, wear clothes nicely, use cologne, always clean everything up before bed, etc. So my weight is a big issue for me - personally - and I'm sure it isn't wonderful to my W - but I am showing her it's important to me that she know I am not just slacking off and unworried about looking my best for her.

Ok - maybe that's all I'm saying - it's important to look YOUR best, whatever that means in your situation.

I suspect if OP felt his W was trying to present her best self, and he could get medical confirmation that there aren't bigger issues, then this wouldn't be so big an issue. But I think there are questions in both of those areas.


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## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

MJJEAN said:


> She could also have a thyroid problem. I was around her age when I noticed some features changing, added hair growth, increasing weight gain, and some other symptoms like tiring more easily. Thought it was just because I was getting older. Turned out, I have Hashimoto's. My immune system is attacking my thryroid.
> 
> Here's the thing, general physicals, general blood work, and general gyno exams WILL NOT find PCOS or most hormone imbalances. Specific testing has to be ordered. Start out by telling your wife how you feel and that you suspect she has a hormone issue. That should motivate her to get to the doctor and explain the situation, hopefully leading to treatment.
> 
> BTW, my sister has 4 children, all conceived despite her best efforts not to, while she had PCOS.


THIS! After I had my hysterectomy at 32, I had HRT that included testosterone and it caused some hair growth but my features didn't change. There is some serious testosterone or some hormonal imbalance for a woman's facial features to start looking THAT mannish, and my first impression was thyroid. And yes, hormonal imbalances are really hard to find and will probably require an endocrinologist.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

@TeddieG

Yes, it is hard to identify hormone imbalances for a lot for a lot of GP's. Most aren't very familiar with the physical symptoms, especially since so many of them aren't on questionnaires or things most people would think to relay to their doc.

Because we were trying to figure out why my heartbeat was occasionally going wonky, I saw 3 different doctors. Two were specialists. An insurance change lead me to a new doctors office. I was going over my history with the Nurse Practitioner when she noticed I had a lil bit of facial hair. I said that it happened after my son was born and I normally shave it off or wax it, depending. She then started asking if I was more tired than I should be, if my periods were wonky, if I was exercising and eating right, but not losing weight, if I had dry skin and trouble staying warm. Yes to all. 

She then asked if I'd ever had a thyroid panel run. I did. It came back clear. She ordered a thyroid panel AND a separate test looking for specific hormone and antibody levels not normally run. And that's when I finally got a diagnosis.


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## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

MJJEAN said:


> @TeddieG
> 
> Yes, it is hard to identify hormone imbalances for a lot for a lot of GP's. Most aren't very familiar with the physical symptoms, especially since so many of them aren't on questionnaires or things most people would think to relay to their doc.
> 
> ...


 @MJJEAN, I'm glad you got a diagnosis. I had heard that, like testosterone panels, thyroid panels can often return a normal test unless there are very specific tests run. 

It is amazing what those little hormones can do to our well-being. I tried calling an endocrinologist for an appointment but was told I needed a referral. I've got to get on that.


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## 41362 (Dec 14, 2012)

If it's not thyroid... and honestly, it really sounds like it is, you should approach it with the focus being on your kids. Piggy back on what her doctor has said, and encourage her to make a lifestyle choice for the future. If it's not health related now, it will be in the future...and losing their mom to diabetes or cardiovascular issues isn't fair if she's willing to change.


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## taytay03 (May 23, 2016)

btterflykisses said:


> She may have Cushing's Syndrome. It causes all the physical changes you described.


And Cushings can be very hard to diagnose. The growths on the pituitary glands can be hard to see on a traditional MRI. I would have your wife see an endocrinologist not a primary care provider. I watched my mom's health decline for many years before finally being diagnosed with Cushings

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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

Assuming this isn't a troll post, there's something at play here besides just the weight gain. In fact, I'd wonder if that's a symptom not a cause of a bigger issue.

I myself have indeed over a long struggle of hormone and thyroid issues gained and lost more than 70 lbs and while yes, my face has changed shape from my heavier "moon face" at no point on the weight spectrum was I masculine, and certainly at no point did it make my brow increase in size nor did I develop a beard. So I'm wondering if when she was on BC pills it was helping to mask the symptoms of an underlying issue. If she has PCOS or something similar, the Pill might have masked the symptoms. 

The other possibility, out of left field as it might be is that she's taking male hormones on purpose and might be getting ready to drop the bomb she's a trans-man.

Ultimately though, you need to discuss this with her. And if you are really at the point you are "brown bagging" your wife, you need to be honest.


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## Imissmywife (Jan 29, 2016)

I feel your pain....somewhat.

When we met my wife was smoking hot. Late 30s, and even though she had had two kids it didn't matter. Sure she had a few stretch marks, but at 5'4 135 pounds, beautiful breasts, ass, legs she was a dream come true. 

Now in our mid 50s I don't find her sexually attractive at all. Double chins, a stomach that sticks out farther than her once beautiful breasts, big thighs......she's gained 45-50 pounds. A few thousand dollars with a weight doc and nothing.

During the rare times we do have sex she has her two orgasms, but I can't finish. I just can't get past the chins or belly. And yes, I still weight the same 160 pounds as the day we met, and I still have all of my hair. 

What is a guy to do?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

wild jade said:


> Or perhaps let her go so that she can find someone who appreciates her and doesn't need her to fit some feminine ideal.
> 
> This would also free you to find someone more to your liking.
> 
> (If my husband told me how to dress or do my hair or makeup, I would tell him to go jump in the lake.)


Intolerant much? No one is suggesting he TELL her to change, but he should definitely be able to open a discussion about seeing a doctor and making healthier lifestyle choices. If he can't do that because she'd have an intolerant reaction, or she won't even discuss the fact that there is a problem, then he absolutely should leave her and find someone who cares about their health and the relationship.

This is no different that living with someone who becomes addicted to drugs. There is a legitimate problem that needs addressing, otherwise there are natural consequences.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

well, a sexless marriage is like no marriage at all. So despite the unpleasantness of it all, you HAVE to discuss this with her and see if there is a solution. 

It could be hormones. It could just be insecure eating habits. It could be a need for a trainer at the local gym. It could be depression, where she knows she is overweight and not attractive to you so she eats to feel better. 

I guess i would start off with an endocrinologist and see what they say about her hormones. Maybe she is on the wrong type of birth control. Maybe YOU have to do all the food shopping. Maybe she needs bariatric help (there is a new inflatable balloon they put in your stomach so you can lose weight without surgery.)

If she DOES make some progress, and loses some weight, make it a REALLY big deal and congratulate her. Encourage her to do more. Buy her some new sexy clothes/lingerie.

Maybe become her workout partner at the gym. Go on weekend hikes in the mountains.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Take the Elephant in the room and OWN it.

Turn the conversation to your physical shortcomings.

I know, you are thin and fit. Fake it.

Tell her that you are unhappy with your endurance, your lack of upper body strength.

Tell her you get tired walking up a flight of stairs........whatever.

Tell her that it is so hard to work out alone, to walk by yourself....it gets boring. You need a workout partner. Get both of you on a regular walking program. Go to the gym in the winter. Or walk at the mall.

Start out by going to parks and lake paths...where the air is fresh, the scenery beautiful.

Do not give her an option. Tell her the day before and insist that she accompanies you. If she refuses, hit her with the "Don't you love me? Don't you want to be with me? Guilt her in a loving way! 

Exercise is addictive. Once hooked, taking a day off makes you feel anxious, lazy and guilt ridden.

Those Endorphins have been my Up-Fall [!], for 6 decades. I am an exercise junkie. 

Hook HER on the stuff!


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Imissmywife said:


> I feel your pain....somewhat.
> 
> When we met my wife was smoking hot. Late 30s, and even though she had had two kids it didn't matter. Sure she had a few stretch marks, but at 5'4 135 pounds, beautiful breasts, ass, legs she was a dream come true.
> 
> ...


What's a guy to do?

Consider this:

You weigh 160 pounds. You can eat ~2200 +/- 200 [calories] a day and maintain that weight. That is no a lot of food.

If she eats the same 2200 calories, she gets weight creep. Women have to count their calories. If I told you that you could only eat 1400 calories a day, so that YOU will weigh no more than 130 lbs., .....boy, the moaning I would hear.

Daily exercise and cutting back on calories is the only answer. Count calories..not coup on how lean you are. It ain't easy for women. Yes, it can be done. Eat healthy.

As you age it gets harder.


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## Sparkle143 (Sep 8, 2016)

This sounds so fake! I would see right through that, though!


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## Palodyne (Mar 3, 2016)

Screw you Gerry F. This very day I was approached by a very fit and healthy 52 year old woman, that caressed and fondled my bearded face. She definitely deserves better than me. But she has made it clear, she is willing to give me a shot.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Palodyne said:


> Screw you Gerry F. This very day I was approached by a very fit and healthy 52 year old woman, that caressed and fondled my bearded face. She definitely deserves better than me. But she has made it clear, she is willing to give me a shot.


Aren't you a 50 year old virgin? You probably don't even know what standards are. Physical attraction is is a huge deal for guys that take care of themselves and have a healthy sex life.


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## Palodyne (Mar 3, 2016)

GuyInColorado said:


> Aren't you a 50 year old virgin? You probably don't even know what standards are. Physical attraction is is a huge deal for guys that take care of themselves and have a healthy sex life.


Yes I am. Standards vary person to person. I am out of shape now, I am disabled, but I used to be fit. Maybe the thread just struck a nerve because of my weight gain. The woman in question has had a thing for me for years and she is in great shape for her age. But I meant for my comment to be geared more toward the weight component than the sex component, I didn't articulate it properly.

Oh, and by the way, I'm the 49 year old virgin. LOL


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Haha, well you got a year to fix that before the big 50! Go to a NV brothel and get it over...bring $500 and you'll have sex better than most guys have experienced!


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