# Records of Texts from Husband



## Aly55 (Mar 23, 2011)

I'm new to this. My husband and I have been together for 13 years. Last week I decided to open my husband's mobile phone bill. I guess I must have had suspicions deep down but I think I was just being nosey at the time.

I found he had started texting a mutual friend several times a day, most working days. On all except one occasion, this was during office hours. He deleted these records from his phone. He has never shown any interest whatsoever in this woman and I didn't even know he had her details. 

I know it all looks very likely to be an affair but there are a few slight points that make me think (hope!) otherwise:
-They like totally different things in life
-This woman likes totally different men
-It is all during work hours
-She did order goods from his company some time ago so they have some sort of working relationship

However, I brought her name up on the weekend (said I thought I had seen her driving a new car). He loves cars and normally this would have made him ask more but he looked uncomfortable and changed the subject. I then asked if she had ordered from his company recently and he said no. 

Again, you've probably heard this a thousand times but I thought I had a good guy but I guess not. 

I want to bring it up with really really don't want to let him know I have opened his bill. We have the same phone so I thought about trying to mix them up and take his to work with me for the day but he always keeps his near him.

Does anyone know if Spyware is really good and can they honestly not tell it's in use?

thanks guys


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## Wrench (Mar 21, 2011)

Sounds to me like you guys have some space between you. I think you should tell him you saw the texting, and that you don't know why you felt like being nosey. You guys need to get closer, he shouldn't feel like he has to delete an innocent text right? (if it's innocent)


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

I know it all looks very likely to be an affair but there are a few slight points that make me think (hope!) otherwise:
-They like totally different things in life
-This woman likes totally different men
-It is all during work hours
-She did order goods from his company some time ago so they have some sort of working relationship

My H's affair was mostly all during work hours. They could not be more different, she's about half his age and married. Then he started "working out" with "a few friends" after work. The few friends turned out to be just her and him. There were also job related training sessions in other towns. The "training" turned out to be secondary to the trysting. My H is a kind, sweet man, and I never for one instant thought that he could be unfaithful, but I did not factor in a very attractive and very determined young woman with an unhappy marriage into my calculations. The sooner you can get reliable info, the sooner you can start putting things back together.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

How many texts are we talking about? Was there any record of phone calls as well?

Oaksthorne's points are all good, as well as Wrench. None of your points rule out an affair, but the fact that they have texted and he seemed uncomfortable when her name was brought up doesn't meant they are having an affair either.

My thoughts... Have you thought about trying to improve your marriage without directly questioning whether he's having an affair? Spouses typically cheat because they're looking for something that they're not getting at home. Intimacy, feeling respected/loved, whatever. That's not an excuse for cheating by any means, but I think it's pretty rare for a happy spouse to cheat.

My other thought... I wouldn't trust the spy software to remain a secret from a technical user. I also think that having him discover that you put something like that on his phone would be more damaging than if you came out and told him you were feeling like something was wrong with your relationship, so you opened his cell phone bill. It usually comes out better if it comes out voluntarily vs. being discovered. How does he not know you opened the bill? Did you steam it open? Does that actually work? 

C


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## Chrono (Mar 23, 2011)

Aly55 said:


> We have the same phone so I thought about trying to mix them up and take his to work with me for the day but he always keeps his near him.


Not to sound an alarm bell BUT this is a clear sign that he is hiding something. My wife was so compulsive over her phone during her affair that she literally lost it when it was misplaced inside the house. It was never far from her side except in that one case.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Chrono said:


> Not to sound an alarm bell BUT this is a clear sign that he is hiding something. My wife was so compulsive over her phone during her affair that she literally lost it when it was misplaced inside the house. It was never far from her side except in that one case.


ITA. When I was having my affair, I never ever let my phone out of my sight,k not even to shower. My husband said this wads the first thing that tipped him off to something being up. He was right.

On the contrary, he started putting passcodes on his phone around the time I found out he was online looking up sex w/ stranger. 

So the phone hiding -- VERY telling.


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## Aly55 (Mar 23, 2011)

Hi Guys

It has only been texts, no calls and for 6 weeks now. I have decided I am going to ask him about it on Monday. I've learned from the advice on this forum not to tell him how I know or about me using this forum. 

I have written down my starting sentence which I think will really help me to stay on task and bring it up rationally and to remember that it's about him and not me. 

I forget about it for a few hours then end up in turmoil worrying about it for ages. The damage that can be done....

thanks for your comments


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## HungUp (Feb 26, 2011)

If you've decide on confronting him then then I hope all goes well for you. I hope he has a valid reason for his actions and you manage to find peace with your thoughts.

But, from a devious point of view - how about his phone gets lost? Could you hold a bluff and even help him search for it, while knowing exactly where it is?
If so, all phones can be unlocked and the previous text contents can be retrieved by those who know how. That 'could' either confirm or alley your fears without the risk of being told complete bullsh*t (as if he's cheating them he is extremely likely to do).


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## Aly55 (Mar 23, 2011)

God idea, I could do that yes. I have no idea how to retrieve the texts though. I've looked on the web and am not sure I could do it without him finding out or deleting something else.

I shall think over the weekend, thanks again - this forum is such a support


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## HungUp (Feb 26, 2011)

Unfortunately I only found out how much info could be gleaned long after I discovered my wifes affair, so I cannot say how good these services are. 

There are people/companies who you can send the sim to who will do it for a fee. Once you have the sim then nothing can be further deleted as it's all stored in the sim. If you do choose to go down this route then move fast as each incoming sim will delete an older one - unless of course the newer text is likely to be more informative.

This link says better what can be retrieved - How Do I Read Deleted Text Messages?

As much as this type of stuff could be seen as spying, and this I would not agree with myself, but I see that it has a beneficial use in helping us to believe in what DS is saying, hopefully enabling us to move forward sooner. Just my thoughts of course.


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## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

Check for picture messaging.

sounds like you might have caught it early enough to nip it in the bud.. you should confront this fast and pretty aggressively. 

Have you ever seen scared straight? They take troubled teens inside a jail and scared the crapout of them, they make do it very aggressively and fast. THey do it so that it has a major impact BEFORE they go to far with their behavior. 

If you have caught this early on, you need to treat it aggressively. Do not try and make is sound like you were innocently looking. Come at it head on.


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## Babyheart (Feb 9, 2011)

Agree you need to get cracking on tis as it sounds like you have caught something in the early stages. Had I been more suspicious about my H texting his coworker their affair might never have happened. They just got bolder as more time went on & they were not caught. Stop it now.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I'd confront him sooner than later. What did the texts say? Do you know?


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## Aly55 (Mar 23, 2011)

I've just seen his bill that shows when the texts were sent not the content. 

No picture messages were sent. 

It would be great not to have to be this vigilant wouldn't it? at best it's exhausting, at worst it's killing me. 

thanks for your comments


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## HungUp (Feb 26, 2011)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> You have a right to feel secure in your relationship with your husband. I would have no problem asking him to show me the texts. Why sneak around to do it? If having to sneak around is something that makes you feel uncomfortable, do you really want to treat yourself like that? It seems to me your husband has already taken the first step to not treat you with respect, why add to it!
> 
> This is just my opinion. I think every time someone does something against their nature, whether they were pushed to the wall or out of panic or fear or insecurity or whatever reason they have, it takes a little bit more away from the feeling of security that you can give yourself by respecting your own comfort zone. Which, in terms of honest and being forthright, is a good comfort zone.
> 
> ...



Under normal 'happy' conditions I would totally agree with the above. But, once he knows Aly55 is onto him then everything is much more likely to go underground making an affair far, far harder to confirm. Aly55 has already mentioned asking her husband a few 'innocent' test questions to which it is obvious that he will deny etc. Why force things underground when it can be avoided?

The fact is, as much as we all want to be kind, loving Loyal Spouses, when we're dealing with some of societies ar*e-holes then we sometimes require to be a bit more devious/tactful. Unless of course we would rather continue hearing bullsh*t and living a pretend happy lifestyle! Of course he could be innocent (best outcome) but unless it is proven then you may be left with years of doubt - just remember that a cheater will tell 100% lies to try and get you off the scent.

Each to his/her own of course. Good luck with whatever method you choose to approach this difficult time.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You could always show him the bill with the amount of texts and ask him why he's texting her so much. Get some mroe evidence.

Hungup is right--one he knows Aly knows, he will get more 'sneaky.'

Aly needs to lay down the law.


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## Aly55 (Mar 23, 2011)

I did it. I was quite pleased with the way I handled it. He denied it three times then admitted he had been texting her. He just said it was silly things about cars and work (they have the same car). It was clear he didn't see that I would be upset about it as he felt it was innocent. At one point during the conversation he finally said 'I suppose I liked having some small part of me that was private'. I don't know how to take that really. 

He seems to have forgotten his phone bill and I hope he has. If he still gets it sent to our home address I have dedided I will open it once more then, if all is OK, drop it and move on. 

If he moves his phone bill to be sent to his work then that's more tricky. 

He didn't ask how I found out but I think he must have worked out it's his phone bill.

I asked him yesterday if he would drop contacting her and he said he had already decided to do that. I am going to email her and in the course of the chat make it clear that I know they have been in contact.

Why is life so darn complicated!!


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## copperfiend (Nov 18, 2010)

Just don't be naive and think if the texting stops that it means communications between them have stopped. I caught onto my wife texting someone I didn't know and it turned to be a former boyfriend. The texting stopped but only because she started e-mailing him and talking on Yahoo.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

^ Agreed. 

He waffled once, denying there'd be contact before admitting...


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