# After effect of abuse hits hard after seperation....



## Set me FREE (Sep 5, 2011)

I thought I was doing ok, had a pretty good handle on my emotions and fears..until the other night when I started getting paranoid about him and that gun(which he makes sure I see every time I see him)...literally debating on whether I should sleep in my bed or on the floor because of the size of the room and window position it is easy to figure out where I am if I am sleeping..unless I am on the floor wedged under the bed. guess the PTSD the therapist listed on my initial session report wasn't too far off he mark.

Then today I was filling out a job application for the county sheriff's office and got to 'references'...and they could not be relatives or former employers/co-workers...so I am SOL...since I have only 1 person who doesn't fall into those categories and I need 3. And my 1 reference I have I only know from on-line and a few phone conversations after my stbxh left the house. . I never realized how isolated I had been over the years until I desperately needed to be able to fend for myself and my kids. 

Yesterday another internet friend sent me a link to a kink personals site showing that stbxh and the GF just shelled out $170 for a gold membership to find a 'sister slave' to join their family. And went on to list a slew of violent kinks and naked pics of the GF and a face pic of my stbxh....I haven't gotten a penny of support since mid-October(when he gave me $100 after forcing the kids and I out of our home and taking my car away) and he has made it clear that he isn't giving me anything else until there is a court order telling him to do so. 

I am glad to be away from him and his perversions...but I was stupid to think the abuse was going to end. At least now I am more comfortable calling it abuse and him an abuser...now if I could only get legal aid moving on my case. Called for a free consult with a regular lawyer but have yet to hear back...therapy appt next week...if only I had a court date.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

The fact that he continues to show his gun to you every time he sees you is abusive...emotionally.

No one should live in that fear. I don't know what to tell you to do, but damn....I'm so sorry.


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## Set me FREE (Sep 5, 2011)

My legal aid attorney just e-mailed me and stated that I may not get in front of a judge until January or February for a temporary support hearing. Which means I have at least another 3 months of him withholding support. No wonder abused women crawl back..He left in August and I was applying for legal aid the day after he left..it's not like I was dragging my heels...yet he gets 6 months to play and squander while the kids go without.


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## Set me FREE (Sep 5, 2011)

Well I have been sticking to kid related texts...straight to the point, no fluff. He has been claiming that my text messages take 3-6 hours to reach him because of the house he is in(same carrier/ same family plan)...so I take that into account when I text most of the time. So I texted Saturday morning to ask when he was bringing the kids so I could plan my day...he replied 3 hours later that he took a pain killer and couldn't drive...could I come pick them up. I texted that I would let him know when...I ran some errands and gave him a 30 minute warning to have them ready...I assumed that they would be packed and whatnot so even if he didn't get the text it would only take a minute...when I arrived at 1:30 the kids were eating, no one was packed...so of course he invited me in to wait(ughhhh) the GF ran and hid for the 30-40 minutes it took for the little one to eat and the kids to find their clothes while I sat there waiting. I didn't see the gun ..pajama pants..no shirt and 40-50 new pounds. 

Later that night my 9 year old was showing off a bruise on his arm..stating that his 21 year old half brother punched him cause he wouldn't move out of the seat he wanted to sit in while the girlfriend was watching(the girlfriend that openly admits that she likes to get beaten)...it was 4 inches across..round...with smaller bruises floating around it...so I texted the ex again trying to get the story and to send a warning that this type of brotherly roughhousing/bullying was unacceptable and needed to be dealt with...that text was ignored.(yes I documented, next time I will make phone calls to CPS). So today around 8:30 I am looking for medicine for the 9 year old that didn't come back from the ex's house...not a huge deal eczema..but the ex texted back less than a minute later..so I decided if his phone was working I should revisit the punching incident...and that text was ignored. 

So now at least I know for absolute certain he is using the slow text excuse to play games and control.


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## Joodlestar (Nov 10, 2011)

For future use - if required - I would take a screen grab of the "Sister slave" advert and also a photo of your child's bruise. make sure everything is documented and backed up for your sake - You never know if you will need it in future


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## newjoy777 (Nov 28, 2011)

I agree. Document, document, document. This kind of covert and overt abuse is so insidious. I know how it feels to live in that kind of fear. My STBX was not physically abusive (although he did throw/break things), but his verbal and emotional abuse, combined with controlling stuff, was overwhelming. I spent years worrying about every word I said, every action I took, in case it would set him off. Now that I'm getting ready to leave, I sometimes wonder if I'll ever feel "normal" again.

I haven't read all of your other stuff, but do you feel that your children are safe with him at all? Has he hit them or abused them in any way? He sounds like a real loose cannon.


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## Set me FREE (Sep 5, 2011)

I just don't know about sending the kids over...nothing is documented beyond the 3 therapy sessions that I have had since the separation. And those session are all about learning ways to forgive myself for putting up with his crap and ignore all future crap that comes from him cause I'm stuck with him to some degree because we share kids...therapy is not the big tattle on STBXH sessions like I had originally envisioned. 

Now that I am away from him..I realized that I would regularly run interference when he was rage-y/moody toward the kids(usually when I was upset with him/not giving in on something)....i.e. one night I had a migraine and the 9 year old's math homework was just not making sense to me..so I sent him to his dad for help...before the 9 year old had finished asking "Dad?" the ex was roaring and ready to bite his head off(prob because he wandered into his space while the ex was looking at something x-rated) I jumped up, raced into his office and asked why he acted like that over a simple homework question and he immediately calmed down...said "oh...homework..I didn't know...let me see buddy..." and offered help. Lion to lamb in 3 seconds or less. 

The lawyer is asking for EOW and Weds 3-8:30 for his visitation schedule(or whatever warm fuzzy name they are calling it now)...currently he is taking them when he will have an audience to witness Superdad in action....3 weekends a month...or if there is a mid week event or holiday(Halloween or Thxgiving...he will skip the next weekend)...no calls during the week. So right now I am counting heavily on less interaction and lots of eyes around..to keep him on his best behavior...I also don't want to allow myself to be consumed by paranoia.


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## Set me FREE (Sep 5, 2011)

I had un-friended anyone in stbxh's circle on FB months ago and un-friended my MIL shortly after the split cause she was sending sympathetic "how dare he" messages to me and turning around and posting on ex anf OW's FB pages congratulating them for moving in and starting a happy new life together and starting a new life. 

Since then she has been trying to friend me again..I declined a few times, blocked her for a little bit and decided that I was sick of looking like the angry scorned woman when, truth be told, I am still very much terrified of him. So I told her that he was an abuser..I detailed the types of the abuse past and present and I set her a link to a anonymous cry for help I posted in a forum back in Feb..that detailed the night I woke up to him suffocating and raping me ....6 months before the split. 

I kinda feel bad to dump that much information on her about her son, but I am sick of looking like the bad guy....I asked for a divorce because I was sick of the abuse...not because I was jealous of the OW. 

My therapist told me to move on and let it go, nothing would be gained from a truth telling campaign...but I'll be honest I am glad that I opened my mouth..I am not keeping his secrets, he needs to live with what he did to me..just like I do.


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## hurtingsobad (Oct 29, 2011)

My prayers are with you! He will get his in return, 10 fold someday!
What a scumbag!


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

I don't know what to say! I'm sorry and I hope things get better. For job search - I would consider 'lightly' fudging references. My kids used their stepdad. They both had worked with him and he explained the truth if called. Do you have someone that would be able to vouch for you in a job-related way but not fit exact criteria?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

golfergirl said:


> I don't know what to say! I'm sorry and I hope things get better. For job search - I would consider 'lightly' fudging references. My kids used their stepdad. They both had worked with him and he explained the truth if called. Do you have someone that would be able to vouch for you in a job-related way but not fit exact criteria?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Just wanted to add - I don't mean lie. But if you volunteered at library with your sister - list her and if she gets called or you questioned - say, 'I have volunteered with _____. While she is my relative, she can vouch for the fact I blah blah blah.'. So don't lie but don't discount other ways.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Set me FREE (Sep 5, 2011)

golfergirl said:


> Just wanted to add - I don't mean lie. But if you volunteered at library with your sister - list her and if she gets called or you questioned - say, 'I have volunteered with _____. While she is my relative, she can vouch for the fact I blah blah blah.'. So don't lie but don't discount other ways.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I can use an uncle(my mother's maiden name) and my stepdad's adult children...but for law enforcement jobs they do extensive background checks ...i.e. knocking on doors and asking neighbors..I wouldn't be brave enough to fudge references on those apps...went through the process for a city Police Dept dispatcher job in the Spring...using stbxh's friends for references...until stbxh decided that it wasn't in his best interest to 1.) have me earning an income 2.)working with people that might want to arrest him some day....so he insisted that he had to drive me to my interview(so I wouldn't get lost) and launched into the 'you don't need to work, why are you doing this to the kids?' and 'let's face it, this job is probably beyond your abilities/intelligence" lectures..(after 3 rounds of job specific civil service testing passed with flying colors) That coupled with the panel's attitude that they were looking for war zone vets that faced death on a daily basis and massaged dying hearts back to life bare handed...I lost confidence half way through the interview.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

Set me FREE said:


> I can use an uncle(my mother's maiden name) and my stepdad's adult children...but for law enforcement jobs they do extensive background checks ...i.e. knocking on doors and asking neighbors..I wouldn't be brave enough to fudge references on those apps...went through the process for a city Police Dept dispatcher job in the Spring...using stbxh's friends for references...until stbxh decided that it wasn't in his best interest to 1.) have me earning an income 2.)working with people that might want to arrest him some day....so he insisted that he had to drive me to my interview(so I wouldn't get lost) and launched into the 'you don't need to work, why are you doing this to the kids?' and 'let's face it, this job is probably beyond your abilities/intelligence" lectures..(after 3 rounds of job specific civil service testing passed with flying colors) That coupled with the panel's attitude that they were looking for war zone vets that faced death on a daily basis and massaged dying hearts back to life bare handed...I lost confidence half way through the interview.


Hey I used to be police dispatcher. That's why I added on explaining the relationship but why you think they would have knowledge of your work habits.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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