# Husband mentioning divorce alot now



## Madbunny (Aug 9, 2011)

I have a question for you men.Do men use divorce as a threat to get your wives to "straighten up"? My husband has never until the last 3 years brought up the D word,however I was doing everything he requires to stay happy.I lost my mother in 09, an elderly lady I was taking care of for 7 years whom I became emotionally attached to, and had a miscarriage combined with a cancer scare ,I do have post partum depression as a result and I am trying to help myself but because i am not doing my usual 100% he announced " i am not happy" and keeps bringing up divorce. I asked that we go to mc to see what has happened to our relationship,and he flatly refused saying"the problem is you not me"
I said well ok then I will go because we have issues ..and he said no you will go there and make me look bad. I am so sad lonely and confused and i am anxious and uncomfortable now in the same room as him sorry for being in here just want some male perspective.  Thank you


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Madbunny said:


> I have a question for you men.Do men use divorce as a threat to get your wives to "straighten up"?
> 
> he announced " i am not happy" and keeps bringing up divorce. I asked that we go to mc to see what has happened to our relationship,and he flatly refused saying"the problem is you not me"
> I said well ok then I will go because we have issues ..and he said no you will go there and make me look bad.


Yeowch. That sounds awful.  

If he constantly uses divorce as a threat--then that is really immature. Also, saying he won't go to counselling because he bleives it will be turned around on him AFTER saying everything is your fault speaks volumes.

Some couples NEVER say the D word. I think once it starts getting mentioned habitually as a threat--is a huge warning sign. 

Can you get cuonselling on your own? What is your backstory with him? Is he always upset/angry? Is the way he's acting new? 

When someone says the D word constantly, couples lose their sense of security in the relationship, IMO.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Judging by your other post as well Madbunny, it doesnt seem like hubby is remotely rational. I mean I guess people that completely off-base can exist, but I tend to wonder if something hasnt happened to them, or they arent involved in something, to bring about such obvious "immaturity" for lack of a better word..
Jelly is awesome, shes got good advice.


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## kekel1123 (Aug 17, 2011)

It happens to me now. During argument, i keep on saying the D word. Then she eventually posted on my Facebook account (via my phone) that im looking for a divorce attorney w/c until now she did confirm that she did it. I was just saying it because im angry. I dont want to loose her because she is the love of my love.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Are you willing to call his bluff?


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## kekel1123 (Aug 17, 2011)

Clarification, she did not confirm that she did it, but who will,my daughter will not do it. I WILL NOT! I know she just did it to annoy me more! Typical of just pushing me till where can i handle her.... I can handle it as long as i LOVE HER , WHICH I DO , and lots of prayers and will power....


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## bs193 (Jan 2, 2011)

Been there. The old "its not me its you", "I don't need counseling because I haven't changed.", "If you are not happy then it must just be you, and you can leave if you like.", and throw out the D word anytime you rock the boat. It is a form of manipulation and control and he will keep using it as long as you let him.

I say "been there" because those are the things I used to tell my wife. My wife should have left me for how I treated her but she didn't, she just cheated.

I wish I could give you an easy solution to waking him up but unfortunately I can't. Truth be told I doubt anything could have been said to me then to wake me up. It basically came down to her taking active steps to leave me before I was willing to admit I was part of the problem. It took me realizing that she didn't need me and she was strong enough to move on without me before I was willing to look at myself and how I was contributing to our unhappiness. For his sake, I pray he can see his faults without going through what we went through. Yes, that path led us to a much better place but I don't wish that journey on anyone.

Good luck.


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## howcouldshe (Jul 18, 2011)

I can tell you that using the D word is a bad idea, at it can put doubt in the other persons mind as to what you want to do. I can tell you that word would not be used in my relastionship unless I knew 100% I was going to file or had already filed. They may hear those words and then call you bluff and actually file, I know someone that did that......choose your words wiselty.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Divorce should never be used to scare a spouse into "acting right". It can make the receiving person of those threats feel unloved or that their spouses love is conditional (more so than the norm).

My husband and I are separated and divorce isn't even on the table.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

bs193 said:


> Been there. The old "its not me its you", "I don't need counseling because I haven't changed.", "If you are not happy then it must just be you, and you can leave if you like.", and throw out the D word anytime you rock the boat. It is a form of manipulation and control and he will keep using it as long as you let him.
> 
> I say "been there" because those are the things I used to tell my wife. My wife should have left me for how I treated her but she didn't, she just cheated.


Sounds like my story. Everything you said -- my ex did. 



that_girl said:


> It can make the receiving person of those threats feel unloved or that their spouses love is conditional (more so than the norm).


:iagree:

I read on a website once re: divorced people saying they could track back in their marriages the very first time the D word was uttered--and for them it was always a memory that stuck out because in a way it was the beginning of the end--like once the word was uttered by the other party...something shifted.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

This struck a cord with me:



> I asked that we go to mc to see what has happened to our relationship,and he flatly refused saying"the problem is you not me"


This tells me two things, he is sick and dealing with you or the marriage or the guy has NPD and does not believe he is the problem.

Can you elaborate a bit more with us? Are either of you abusive to each other? High conflict? Depression?


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

im a husband and as frustrated as i have been in my marriage, i have never used the word. its a word that if used, its not to be taken back, in my opinion inflicts permanent damage


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

howcouldshe said:


> I can tell you that using the D word is a bad idea, at it can put doubt in the other persons mind as to what you want to do. I can tell you that word would not be used in my relastionship unless I knew 100% I was going to file or had already filed. They may hear those words and then call you bluff and actually file, I know someone that did that......choose your words wiselty.


Couldn't agree more. My wife threatened to leave several times year for 10 years. Lately she started saying divorce (instead of leaving) and now she has gone out an filed. Everyone (including her) thinks I should be devastated but the actual filing has an anticlimactic kind of joke atmosphere. In addition to the fact that threatening to leave is abusive, it seriously lessens the effect if you eventually do it, I mean, your mate has been planning their defense for years.


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## Madbunny (Aug 9, 2011)

Its really sad he is basically a good guy overall,works very hard and isnt lazy.He has called me names over the years the worst being worthless C .But he says i knew what he was like when i married him and I should be happy with a roof over my head and food etc.I asked him yesterday what he contributes to our marriage and he says well i work.His opinion is wives are supposed to cook and clean and make them happy.I asked him if i wanted to go on a trip and just hike and take pictures would he go along.He said if there was fishing to do.I have always gone along on his trips,as I knew if I didn't I wouldn't go anywhere.I can talk about my day and he appears to listen until I stop talking then he is right back in his telling me about him and his day,never skipping a beat.I have been through alot of sad events and never once did he hug or hold me or even say wow i'm sorry.Its mainly his emotional coldness and lack of putting in his 50% that bothers me.However I now try to go and do things with my sister so I can enjoy and he gets mad and makes sarcastic comments about it.Like gee it must be nice to go fk around all day at Yosemite.I do believe he would like it if I just stayed at home and cleaned all day.He is slightly controlling as well
makes comments about my shorts which are like 4 inches above my knee,going to the mini mart after dark is out and if I wear perfume i am trying to attract someone.I just can't believe that someone expects a person to just revolve their life around them all the time with no reciprocation.Maybe i want too much


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## Madbunny (Aug 9, 2011)

Actually yes I am..


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