# Wife too attached to her brother and his family



## Mariobros1010 (Feb 10, 2020)

.......


----------



## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Sounds like alot of inmature, codependent issues for her. And to get employment to be near her family is really over the top. Just keep in a calm manner that it's financially not reasonable. Laying out your desire for a home purchase or auto updates. But calmly. She has anxiety issues and just maybe has some biomedical issues. 

But is she a drama queen how long did you know her before you got married?


----------



## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Mariobros1010 said:


> Also to me it feels like she is more focused there then she is here with me.


I agree with you. I'm not much of a fan of ultimatums, but I think in this case you should say "...them, or me....make your choice..and you will live with that choice for the rest of your life....".

She can visit, she can call, you are not demanding any kind of complete cut-off, but the PRIORITY is to be you, your means of support, your family. Meaning YOU. YOU will make the choices about how you support your family. If it is not financially wise for you to move there, then she needs to suck it up and DELIVER on her promise to BE YOUR WIFE.

You are not going to get a job because it is near her family. Period. End. If they are more important to her than you, then she needs to GET OFF OF YOU, support herself, and have her own life where she wants it.


----------



## Mariobros1010 (Feb 10, 2020)

....


----------



## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Mariobros1010 said:


> I wish I could take back....like I said that she is more focused there than she is here....she got really upset about this.


I don't advise you to take it back. You can be sorry that it hurt her feelings, that wasn't your intent. But you spoke the truth. She needs to GROW UP, cut the apron strings, and be your wife. The time when she was their little girl is over.

Again, you are not telling her to give up her relationships to her family. She can call and visit as she likes. She is completely free to honor them, love them, and spend time with them, as is practicable. But you are going to decide matters of your career and your ability to support your family. You are not moving if that is not financially wise.


----------



## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Better than having to worry about taking it back is to not say it in the first place.

It may be true to you, but if it is neither said in kindness nor at the time necessary you may consider it's worth at all.

Does it really, truly hurt that they talk 3-4 times a day right now or is it your awareness that this is your standard of trying to control something?

Insecurity and anxiety take many forms... compassion is not catering to her fears. Take the time to understand with boundaries and communicate them clearly so she can do her best to understand why you have them.

In the end, she will have to offer you the same... but you cannot have clear boundaries that are muddled in regretful fighting.

Insecurities do change people... I hear fear in both of you by what you have shared.


----------



## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Oh, and talking with my wife about this we feel that it is feeling alone and trying to stay connected with someone as a stranger in your new city, and family is a safe place.

Take the time to learn your community and get out together. If you take the time to connect to the community where you are and do it together great things will come of it.

Do not say things like "see, I told you xyz" when she begins to enjoy your time out instead of arguing, let her come to her own conclusions about how you are connecting and connecting together, respect gets respect and letting her grow with you but in her own way is a change that can help if you are not building resentment that gets in the way along the way.

Change is expected, allow it the right nourishment so you can get the healthy growth from it.


----------



## curious2 (Jan 13, 2013)

I think you are over reacting. So what she talks with her brother a few times a day. Apparently they are close and have a good relationship. It sounds like you are the insecure one here. Moving to be near him when it’s not financially viable to do so is a different story but you didn’t handle it well because you are jealous of her relationship with her brother. If you don’t feel you are gettIng enough attention talk about that - it has nothing to do with her brother. If my spouse was giving me a hard time about talking to my sibling and was starting arguments about it I would be really put off by it.


----------



## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

New job, new town, and no local friends or family. That's a big adjustment for both of you.

She sounds lonely.

Does your wife work? 

Did you know before you married her that she wanted to live near her family??

Can you be more specific as to how often she talks to either her parents or her brother? Does she talk to either every day? For how long? What do they talk about (e.g, a specific problem or just chit chat or are they talking about you).


----------



## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

I, as often I do, agree with @Emerging Buddhist.

IMO: Apologize when your mouth gets ahead of your brain. Do not let this become a habit. Take a personal time out when you feel this is about to happen. As has been said, she is a bit scared and lonely. This is the time for you two to build a supporting bond, not compete for attention with family. 

Find a church, hobby to do together, visit neighbors, etc. When I moved, I stuck a cute invitation in the mail box of my neighbors--all 30 of them--to visit and eat red beans and rice for a Sunday night meet and greet. Had lots of folks come. Maybe this is a Southern thing, but it was successful.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Mariobros1010 said:


> Married 2 years and we live in a different state then her brother and his family. I have no issues with her talking and visiting her parents and her brothers family. However, sometimes she and or they call 3 to 4 times a day, which I think is excessive. Also to me it feels like she is more focused there then she is here with me. We have gotten into very bad fights about her wanting me to apply for a job where her brother lives (it's very costly were he lives). I have brought the phone situation up and we fought about that to. I feel like the love from her is fading. I dont know what to do. Anytime we discuss something it ends up being an argument.


It would be good to know a bit more about your situation as it's details matter. So here are some questions.

How long have the two of you been married and how long together (dating + marriage)?

Do you have any children? If so how many and what ages?

Does your wife work or is she a stay-at-home mom/wife?

What times of day does your wife talk to her bother on the phone? Is it only when you are at home? Or are these calls spread though out the day even when you are not at home as well?

How many hours a week to you and your wife spend together in quality time, just the two of you? What sorts of things do you two do together?

Did the frequency of calls increase when you moved for your new job?


----------

