# Help Me Grow A Backbone



## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

A little history of my story, got the whole I love you but not in love with you speech from my wife December 12th. We have been married 9 years, together 11. We have two beautiful children, 8 & 5. Roughly a year ago she started to drop a lot of weight, then changed clothing style, etc, etc. She says that she was not talking to the other person until she gave me the speech, but I figured out she was talking to him a little bit before. I always loved my wife, she said there is nothing I could have done differently, she said she realizes she will probably not find anyone like me again.

The problem is, I've been going through this for a month now, some days I feel like "screw it, you don't want me, I'm too good for you." Other days I feel like "why don't you want me, please take me back."

I know that she is the one with the character flaws, she probably had a mental switch/mid life crisis that she wants to go out and test the single seen again. She is 32, I'm 34. I know that all this is about rejection, that I should be the one thinking how dare you leave me. How dare you not want me. I'm much better.

I need to grow my backbone again. I feel like I've wrapped my emotional happiness around her, no self esteem, etc.

How do I get over this?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

It takes time. 

There is no magic pill you can swallow to make everything all better.

Your emotions will be up and down, just as you described. You are still in early stages. being that you were the one rejectd, it's gonna take you some time to get over. So just accept that.

Busy yourself with hobbies, exercise, reahc out to old family and friends. Get individual counselling.

Your wife may have lots of flaws, but you also need to look into where your failures were in the relationship. It generally takes 2to break down a marriage. No one person is all good/all bad. Look inward and commit to not repeating bad behaviors in the future.

She is gone so you need to accept that.


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

I have realized that I was too emotionally needy the last year or so, but I would bet my bottom dollar that a lot of this is due to her weight loss. Regardless I know that I am not able to change her mind at all. I'm not even holding on to hope that at some point she will realize what she did. Even though I can see she is operating in a fog, the tough thing is she thinks she is operating so clearly. She even gives me mixed signals sometimes. BUt the divorce petition has already been filed. She is so stubborn I think she is going through this regardless of the collateral damage.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

No, Proud. Her weight loss has nothing to do with her cheating. Her cheating and her decision to end the marriage is solely on her. It's a choice she has made. She may have lost weight and felt better about herself but she also could have stayed with you--she simply chose not to. 

She has done you a huge favor, eventhough it may not seem like it. Because there could be nothing worse than staying in a one-sided marriage where you are unloved. She has released you. It's a good thing.


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## canguy66 (Dec 18, 2011)

Keep busy. Implement the 180 rules and stick to them... I you fall off get back on track. If I got to a better place anyone can. You need to find your self-respect. Took me a month. But then I stood up for myself. Sure, the separation still sucks and it hurts every day, but at some point you need to feel sick and tired of feeling sick and tired.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

About 32 or even 34 being mid-life - forget that it's still early adulthood.

At 34 you'll find that there are some very nice actual women out there that unlike you're wife they've grown up and are ready to put the crap of their 20's behind them.

See, you bought a crappy cheap car hoping it would run and mature like a great car does. Now you need to get out an upgrade.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

It would do you good to read Shamwow's story but I cant find it. 

Can one of you other guys find it. It has to be there. Obviously this old fart ( meaning me ) doesnt know what he is doing!!!


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

I dropped the kids off last night at the wife's house after spending the weekend with them. I decided to be nice and switch the laundry for her. Well when I did I noticed two new pairs of panties that she had recently bought. I've only been gone a month and she is already trying different styles of underwear than when we were married? Yeah right she is just friends with the guy she just started talking to. This discovery is helping me to start to look at her as just the mother of my children.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

proudwidaddy said:


> This discovery is helping me to start to look at her as just the mother of my children.


Good. Because that is all she will be soon anyway.

Something I did when going through my D: Assume the worst, that way there were no surprises. So in your case, I would just go ahead and assume she is in fact sleeping with the "just a friend." That way you can move on and not dwell in the past.

And for chrissake's, stop doing this woman's laundry/helping her out with things--she has dumped you.


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## canguy66 (Dec 18, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> And for chrissake's, stop doing this woman's laundry/helping her out with things--she has dumped you.


:iagree: :iagree:


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## Cheesy (Aug 3, 2011)

Don't be so hard on yourself proudwidaddy...i'd say that seeing as you are only a month or so through this you sound to be doing pretty well to even be having the 'screw it i'm too good for you thoughts'

Your situation isnt a great deal dissimilar to mine, I had the same speech in july last year, wife had lost lots of weight...is 32 (i'm 35) we have three kids (3,6 and 7)...got herself a new bloke. We had other factors too but whatever they were we are both left in the same situation, kids and no wife.

I had months of trying to come to terms with things, being a doormat.

Best advice I could give is to give yourself a break, don't be too hard on yourself and blame yourself for this and that. Jellybeans is right, weight loss, boredom with marriage whatever it may be could well have been contributing factors for her desire for things to get better...but cheating doesn't fix those things and it's not an excuse for doing it.

I hung on for far too long to the hope that i could persuade her she was wrong, but now 6 months down the line I am in a much better place. i still wished it hadn't happened but i do know that I can live without her and still have a good relationship with the kids. 

it's very difficult but try to focus on what you are doing rather than what she is doing


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## WhyinSC (Dec 16, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> It takes time.


Took me 8 months. Finally I am in a great place. I'm not all that pissed at her anymore either. She chose to go on a Journey that I was not invited on. It's ok... people got to do what they need to do in order to feel good about themselves and all. Only after fully believing in yourself and not letting someone else's "love" or lack of Love define you will you ever get back on the horse. In the end she's just a person; one woman out of like 3 billion. Is she making a big mistake? Oh heck Yes. Can I control it? Fug No. Can I make myself happy without her? Hell Yes I can. It's what we should have been doing the entire time! NEVER use someone else to "make" you happy. EVER....


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

The nice thing I experienced today was I spoke with one of our mutual friends today, he talked to me and said that him and his wife have no clue why this is going on with us, that they she she has changed something drastically. They both agreed that she will end up regretting this in the future. It made me feel good to hear that someone who knew both of us can see the truth that my ex can't actually see.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

WhyinSC said:


> Took me 8 months. Finally I am in a great place. I'm not all that pissed at her anymore either. She chose to go on a Journey that I was not invited on. It's ok... people got to do what they need to do in order to feel good about themselves and all. Only after fully believing in yourself and not letting someone else's "love" or lack of Love define you will you ever get back on the horse. In the end she's just a person; one woman out of like 3 billion. Is she making a big mistake? Oh heck Yes. Can I control it? Fug No. Can I make myself happy without her? Hell Yes I can. It's what we should have been doing the entire time! NEVER use someone else to "make" you happy. EVER....


Good advice...deep down i know it....just hard to actually get through my thick skull.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WhyinSC (Dec 16, 2011)

proudwidaddy said:


> The nice thing I experienced today was I spoke with one of our mutual friends today, he talked to me and said that him and his wife have no clue why this is going on with us, that they she she has changed something drastically. They both agreed that she will end up regretting this in the future. It made me feel good to hear that someone who knew both of us can see the truth that my ex can't actually see.


And you know, all that is probably true. She will regret it. But you know what is more important? That you NOT regret it, you learn from it and thrive from it. You were born alone, you live alone (in your head), and you die alone in the end. Where in that does it say you HAVE to have one specific woman to be complete? No where. You are complete without her; you always have been. You've only forgotten how to be "complete" on your own. You've let her take over your reason for existence and that is no way to live. Give it a few months and keep up the positive self talk and you'll feel much better. Soon it won't matter if she is "sorry". I promise you...


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

@ WhyinSC those words hit me somewhere in the heart today that I can't put into words. You've filled my heart & soul with warmth, thank you. 

I just realize that right now what I miss the most is the companionship of the other person. But when I get lonely, I think about my kids, my god, my friends, and I know that while the path I'm taking is filled with more heartache than my soon to be ex's, the rewards in the end will be worth it all.


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## WhyinSC (Dec 16, 2011)

proudwidaddy said:


> @ WhyinSC those words hit me somewhere in the heart today that I can't put into words. You've filled my heart & soul with warmth, thank you.
> 
> I just realize that right now what I miss the most is the companionship of the other person. But when I get lonely, I think about my kids, my god, my friends, and I know that while the path I'm taking is filled with more heartache than my soon to be ex's, the rewards in the end will be worth it all.


Glad that helps. Here is a little more...

Companionship you say? Guess what? You are your companion. Talk to yourself. Really do it. Just sit there and vocally tell yourself (your little boy inside) that you don't need anyone or anything to make you feel good. Tell yourself that you tried as best as you could and SHE failed YOU not the other way around. She was not strong enough to continue but that it's ok, she's just not ever going to be what you need. How do you know that that statement is true? Because if she were what you needed God/Fate/Destiny or whatever would have made her stay. What God/Fate/Destiny is trying to tell you right now is that you are GUILTY of being weak and loosing your path and identity. You are being shown the new path to making yourself stronger and more worthy of a happy life. Never doubt this. The more you try to resist it and wish it away the worse it's going to get until you finally cave in and do what is right for you. This could take you a month to realize this or it can take you 8 months like my sorry a$$. Once I gave up and focused on me everything changed overnight! Everything you do from here on out does one of two things. It either builds you or it destroys you. As much as it hurts, you need to pick "building". Is sitting around crying about this one woman not wanting you a "building" experience? No. Guess what? There are about 25 million women out there that don't want you either. So what? Doesn't mean crap right? So what if you tried your best with this one woman, gave her everything you could, and SHE ended up not worthy of your efforts? Keep "wishing" for her to change and put the power in her hands OR start talking to yourself in a positive tone about how great you are, how loving you are, how much you are worth to yourself and the good people you meet? You tell me...which one is a Building experience? 

She's over man. Be good to yourself. Be the best friend you ever had. Forget the people that fail you. You will never fail you. Put your eggs in that basket.

And btw, your ex will feel the pain one day as well. This is all about growing and self discovery - which is almost always painful! Her pain should not make you feel better though. You should feel good that at least you are starting your journey first... you'll be done way before she ever knows who she is.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

proudwidaddy said:


> that they she she has changed something drastically. They both agreed that she will end up regretting this in the future.


She is probably having an affair, hence the dramatic changes.

She may live to regret her choice to divorce, and she may not.

Don't dwell on it. Just move on with the knowledge that you were not the one who gave up--she did. 

Why pine over someone who doesn't want you anymore?

She has done you a favor. A major major favor.


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

@Why The comment about 25 million other women not wanting me either really made me laugh. I'm too good of a person to be wanting someone in my life who doesn't want me. What does that say about me? I have enough people who want to be in my life.


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