# Working out details of separating?



## MixedBagQueen (Mar 14, 2013)

My partner and I have been together for almost 6 years and are currently in therapy together. Therapy together should have happened long before now, and as a result, a lot of things are coming out and both of our feelings are very tender during this process. 

Since therapy last Tuesday, she talks to me only when necessary and seems to prefer doing that through texting. A couple of days, I tried to act "normal" i.e. offering something for dinner, but she is preparing her own meals and sleeping in the guest room.

This has always been her pattern of dealing with our issues - silence and distance. I'm tired of it, because it's so uncomfortable and I think it's abusive. We have therapy again on Tuesday and I am thinking of asking her to go and stay with a friend for a month to allow us both to figure out if this relationship has anything left to work on or if we need to go our separate ways. I'm pretty sure that our friend would not accept any money for allowing her to stay there for this time. We currently each pay half of the rent and split the groceries, but for the past 8 months, I've been paying all of the other household bills (not my choice). How do you determine what is reasonable in terms of the financial details of temporarily separating? I can't afford to pay all of the rent by myself and want to ask her to pay a quarter of the rent but want some opinions about whether this is reasonable. Thanks!


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## d2snow (Mar 17, 2013)

If you're asking her to leave, I don't see how you can request she help pay part of your rent??

I would just try to find a place for myself that I can afford.


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## MixedBagQueen (Mar 14, 2013)

Things are often more complicated than one can explain in a short post, here, but I will add that I would not be asking her to move out all of her stuff or take her dog with her, etc. We are both on the lease, and 70% of the stuff in the house is hers. I do have my own furnishings and it would be no problem for me to take my dog and move into a place of my own that I can afford, but it would be a financial hardship for HER to try and live on her own, right now. And she is far less able than I to pay to keep the house going until we determine if we need to permanently separate. In fact, it would be impossible for her. I just thought if she stayed with our friend for a little while to give us both some space and time apart to think and nurse our wounds, it would help.


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## caladan (Nov 2, 2012)

Hello.

I'm sorry about what you're going through. I'm afraid however that she has a point. How about you move to a friend's house since you're the one who thinks you both should live together? Why should you get to ask her to move out if you're the one who is uncomfortable with the current arrangement?

It doesn't quite work like that. I expect that you will continue to pay your share of the rent when you move out, just like you expect her to do if she was the one to move out...?


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## Alpha (Feb 18, 2013)

She's silent and distant when you have issues. Wake up! Most women act this way. But you think it is abusive and want to kick your wife out of the house to stand on her own and hopeful that she realizes you are worth something? Do it and I bet she never comes back.

Why don't you be the big man? So what if your wife is silent and distant. Make the extra effort to get her back. Be sincere in your actions. Look deep and take responsibility for where your marriage is today. What made it get to this point? Take a different mind set and don't blame your wife for the way she is now. Something over the 6 years have made her react this way. Figure what that is and fix it from your side. If you do, I bet your wife will slowly turn.

Worst thing in my opinion when trying to fix a relationship is to separate. Out of sight, out of mind. Show her that you are the man that she fell in love with and keep her in the house and pay the bills. Be that guy. Its a small price to pay to keep the woman you love.


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