# The 80/20 rule?



## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Are you in an 80% marriage.

Did you cross the line and end up with 20%

Or any type of relationship?

Is it a valid (at least sometimes) point to make?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=Wcd2haXsCPk


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Ok, call me dense, but I am not so sure I got the full gist of that.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Sometimes people talk about their checklist.
What you want in a relationship.

The guy made the point that in most cases all you will ever get is 80% of your boxes checked in a relationship, that is it, so be reasonable.

If a lady comes by and offers you the 20% you are missing and you jump ship, you will be leaving the 80% and possible end up with only the 20%.

So the grass is not always greener.

Oddly I have seen the 80/20 used in my line of work (Pareto Principle) but never thought about applying to this situation.

There is a thread about being tempted to cheat that made me think of this.

I was just wondering if anyone had experienced it.

Sometimes you hear a person bemoan their relationship with a "good " partner when someone they have chemistry with shows up, they sometimes cut and run or at least think about it.

But no, I knew the context when I listened to the video so I should have probably given more of an explanation.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Decorum said:


> Sometimes people talk about their checklist.
> What you want in a relationship.
> 
> The guy made the point that in most cases all you will ever get is 80% of your boxes checked in a relationship, that is it, so be reasonable.
> ...


I think that explains my ex. She wanted what I couldn't give her- lots of money so she went searching for it. She has remarried a guy financially just like me. 

I also like the title of a book by Erma Bombeck- "The Grass Is Greener Over The Septic Tank". How true.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

"Over The Septic Tank" - ha ha ha, this is too funny.

I am sorry your ex was so weak, she damaged someone else for something of lesser value.

Its a shame.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

The book "His Needs, Her Needs" opened my eyes. We have needs we don't really recognize consciously. For example, men may need a wife who takes charge of organizing the household. Women may need a man who is a primary bread winner. We feel comfortable when these kinds of needs are being met, but we don't necessarily think about them.

So a person could have 80% of their real needs met, but they think none of their needs are met because they are in a sterile sexless room mate kind of marriage. If they find that hot romantic affair partner they may feel great, because now they are getting 100% of their needs met. But they fail to realize the AP is only ever going to be 20%.

So if the WS bails on the marriage for the AP they may find themselves very unhappy.

For the record, I think we can do a whole lot better than 80% in a marriage.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

Or they leave for the AP and they get the 20% + the 80% which comes with a stable relationship.

Hard to say...


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

staystrong said:


> Or they leave for the AP and they get the 20% + the 80% which comes with a stable relationship.
> 
> Hard to say...


It does happen. My mom has been married to her AP for over 25 years, and it has been a very good marriage.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

staystrong said:


> Or they leave for the AP and they get the 20% + the 80% which comes with a stable relationship.
> 
> Hard to say...


Or more often, they try to Cake eat, keep both, and look to keep 100%.
Or even more, trying expanding the AP relationship to get 150%.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Thor said:


> It does happen. My mom has been married to her AP for over 25 years, and it has been a very good marriage.


But how is your Dad?


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

I suppose sometimes people are just not a good match and fall in within with a better one. Amongst my family and acquaintances most seem to be the cake eater type.

Maybe the most common?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2yearsago (Jun 28, 2013)

It depends. If the 80% of the needs being met are the most critical and important I think that's a lot different then the missing 20% being something major like emotional or physical closeness.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

harrybrown said:


> But how is your Dad?


He never remarried. His own choice, though. He had several high quality women very interested in him.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Decorum said:


> Are you in an 80% marriage.
> 
> Did you cross the line and end up with 20%
> 
> ...


Exactly it, man. For many affairs.

This is why they're so dangerous. The affair partner only needs to provide the 20% to tempt someone into gambling the 80% with the affair.

This is why you work on the weakest parts of your marriage continually.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Decorum said:


> I suppose sometimes people are just not a good match and fall in within with a better one. Amongst my family and acquaintances most seem to be the cake eater type.
> 
> Maybe the most common?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If that were true, they would stay with the affair partner after the split.

Most relationships like this don't pass the 2 year mark. But some do.

So, it happens, it's just not likely.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

We're in the 20% (or less) of marriages that get 80% (or more) of their needs met. Actually, I'd say we're in the 5% that get 95% or more of what we hope for and want in a relationship. Anything we aren't getting is low priority, and we are okay with outsourcing that bit if necessary.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

marduk said:


> If that were true, they would stay with the affair partner after the split.
> 
> Most relationships like this don't pass the 2 year mark. But some do.
> 
> So, it happens, it's just not likely.


That Is a good point, I don't know if it would be a plan "B" type thing but do you think that many stay, as you said, because they see that maybe "that 80%" over the long term is hard to find.

Also the dream of growing old together, which has never been a dream of my BTW ha ha.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Married but Happy said:


> We're in the 20% (or less) of marriages that get 80% (or more) of their needs met. Actually, I'd say we're in the 5% that get 95% or more of what we hope for and want in a relationship. Anything we aren't getting is low priority, and we are okay with outsourcing that bit if necessary.


Hummm we are in the 80% but that is a Significant improvement, I know we can bump it up some more, we are both wanting to.

My life has been anything but normal, my wife was diagnosed with MS right before or 4 child was born (she is now 19, we have 4 together)

Its been stressful, but we have the home to ourselves now, (ok except the semester break between summer and fall)

I think I would have to redefine the question just to approach your numbers ha ha.


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## BayArea (Sep 17, 2012)

Hi Decorum -

Remember me?  I tried sending you a PM to connect but it seems I am not able to do so - send me a PM when you get time - all is going well and just wanted to catch up - take care and happy new year!


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Whittle your list down by 20% and you'll be 100% happy! 

The list was simply too long...


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## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

Couldn't in a lot of cases be made that both partners get the lower end of the 80/20 though?

Even in the fantasy world of WW/WH


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Sometimes you might find more than 80 in another person. I knew a hot wife who left her husband for her new man. She is more fulfilled with him. Her ex-husband help her find him when he pushed her to have sex with other men. She and her new man have been married for the last 5 years, and they are happy raising horses together, which is one of her passion. Her ex husband is a banker. In terms of wealth, she is less off, but more fulfilled living a more simple life. Chances are, there might be aps out there that can fulfill more than just the 20. Some of the requirements might overlap.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

BayArea said:


> Hi Decorum -
> 
> Remember me?  I tried sending you a PM to connect but it seems I am not able to do so - send me a PM when you get time - all is going well and just wanted to catch up - take care and happy new year!


Of course I remember, PM's have been turned on again.

I was attempting a break from TAM (at least for the Holidays) and I shut it off, but I linger on for how much longer IDK but I would always love to hear from you, I will have to send you an email address as well.

PM away!


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Mr.Fisty said:


> Sometimes you might find more than 80 in another person. I knew a hot wife who left her husband for her new man. She is more fulfilled with him. Her ex-husband help her find him when he pushed her to have sex with other men. She and her new man have been married for the last 5 years, and they are happy raising horses together, which is one of her passion. Her ex husband is a banker. In terms of wealth, she is less off, but more fulfilled living a more simple life. Chances are, there might be aps out there that can fulfill more than just the 20. Some of the requirements might overlap.


Yuck Mr. Fishy,

That has all the hallmarks of a Greek Tragedy, I don't know whether to laugh, cry, or sigh at the happy ending and stroke of justice.

The Old German in whose business I served a Tool and Die apprenticeship many years ago passed onto me a word of advice he received from his father, "Son never lend your bike or your wife to another man, you will not get either back in the same condition they were when you lent them." Words to live by! 

We have trained horses form many years so it is a theme I am fond of. I forgot I even had this thread hanging out there ha ha.


Take care all, Decorum.


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