# Ukrainian Girl: the story of a stupid Canadian man



## northerncrush (Sep 16, 2018)

The last half year was horrible. My wife was screaming at me and the kids on my birthday. I didn't get a birthday present from her. She was talking down to me all summer. Total contempt, like I was a bug on her picnic blanket. I've never been talked to so rudely before. It was something new from her.

She started going to a kickboxing and jiu-jitsu dojo a lot and making new friends. She started taking private classes with the owner of the gym. His name started to come up in every conversation with me. She would compare a story I told to something hilarious this guy did. Soon she was trying to sell his leather jacket for him, because he's not on facebook. She was just "helping out a friend."

Last week my wife hit me with the "ILYBINILWY" speech.

"I need a break. But I don't to divorce," she said. "No, we're not getting a divorce. Just I want to live on my own for a bit, and have the kids half the time so I can have time to myself."

Then she proceeded to be super happy. She hasn't moved out yet. But all the anger and emotional turmoil is suddenly gone.

This isn't my first rodeo, so I know this dude from the dojo is trouble, but I'm honestly not worried about him. Good luck, buddy, is what I think.

Instead, I'm worried about the kids and I. I've decided to stay in this cheap apartment for the time being, not only because I can actually afford it (Ottawa prices are insane right now), but because I think it will be good for the kids to have stability. Their bedroom won't change, their dad is still here. Their school is just down the street. Their neighborhood playground is still there.

I'm a great dad. My relationship with my kids, now 5 and 7, is incredible. My daughter especially loves the living daylights out of me. Look up "Daddy's girl" and you'll see her. I'm the one who helps with homework and tells the bedtime stories and packs their lunches and does their laundry. I'm also the one who gives piggyback rides and wrastles with them and plays Minecraft with my son.

Plus, it's Christmastime and to keep everything "normal" for them, I'm not making any moves right now.

But for some reason I'm feeling sad. Suddenly, I don't want her to leave. I don't want this marriage to end. I don't know why. I spent six years thinking of how to get out of it, and suddenly I'm given a golden opportunity, and now I don't want it?

Now I'm the one silently saying "Please don't leave! I love you!" I haven't said it out loud. Just not sure what to do now.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Sounds very typical. Wouldn't say you are a stupid Canadian man, you found love and lost, as is life.

When a woman treats you like a king that's a potential red flag, my ex also did the same and had her own form of crazy and also gave me the ILYBNILWY speech when we broke up but that was 4 years later. Love is not forever and relationships aren't lifelong. It's hard to walk away after investing so many years of your life, but really what's there to hold onto? ILYBNILWY is the end.

I guess one can try to relight the passion but that normally takes two and seems like she's checked out and sucking off her instructor under his black belt lol next kid you raise won't be yours 😅


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## northerncrush (Sep 16, 2018)

RandomDude said:


> seems like she's checked out and sucking off her instructor under his black belt lol next kid you raise won't be yours 😅


This cracked me up 🤣


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

You need to send her to mr ju jitsu….. once she stars that crazy crap with him she will likely not be so much fun in bed, just as you learned. You need to get divorced from her before he figures that out, if he will even consider actually having anything other than an f buddy relationship with her.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

northerncrush said:


> This cracked me up 🤣


Lol have to make fun of everything lest you go nuts 😅


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

In your plea and diatribe, I found the statement of this dojo guy, likely getting her, and then your 'Good luck' buddy ' statement.

That is the gem that still remains in the mire, that is your life.

*Let that dude take her off your hands.

Perfect, problem solved.*_
_

She wants to move out, and get some personal space. 
To figure things out, no, no, not to divorce.

You know she going to test drive this heavy-fendered, dojo, the old school, De Soto, 2 door sedan.

If he does not work out, you will gladly take her back, because you are a nice guy.

Be nice to yourself and your kids, do not take her back.

You need to separate a year in Canada, before you can divorce.
Encourage her to move out, 
Document this with your attorney.

Show no weakness.
Lose that excess weight, who needs it?


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## UAArchangel (2 mo ago)

northerncrush said:


> "Please don't leave! I love you! I don't want to lose you!" That message was from my then-girlfriend, sent to me 12 years almost-to-the-day. She, a beautiful 26 year old Ukrainian brunette with wide brown and green eyes, sent it to me when I, a 32 year old Canadian blonde guy teaching English in Kyiv, broke up with her.
> 
> We had been dating just over a year and she had weird emotional outbursts and I couldn't keep up. Some days she was fiercely passionate and in love. Then the next day she was furious at me and I could never figure out why. I didn't know about BPD and cluster B personalities then. I was young and horny and in love.
> 
> ...


When a woman uses the LYBINILWY speech, she likely won't change her mind. Even if she does change her mind, she will not be much of a participant in the marriage itself. So, you'll be settling for a stone cold wall for the remainder of the marriage.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

UAArchangel said:


> When a woman uses the LYBINILWY speech, she likely won't change her mind. Even if she does change her mind, she will not be much of a participant in the marriage itself. So, you'll be settling for a stone cold wall for the remainder of the marriage.


Pretty much.

@northerncrush 

I'd say let her go and import a new Ukrainian. Wait, you don't need to import them now, they are coming to you! 😅


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Great advice given here. Seriously, the only _possible_ way to get her back is to become unavailable. Divorce her.

But if she does flip flop, you need to know seriously consider your own future and that of your kids sans crazy.


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

If you're still having sex with her, don't.

An unwanted pregnancy would be disastrous for the child.

Get tested for STDs. The hookup culture in gyms makes a barnyard seem like an Amish picnic.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

It must be really awful for your children to be living in such a toxic 
environment all the time. It maybe be better if they can live at peace with the two of you apart.
You never should have married her with so many red flags, nor had children.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

A few things.

Quite the story. A real roller coaster. There are Ukrainian cultural aspects, you didn't seem to talk about. Things like the Ukrainian macho male pesonna (too much drinking, too much cheating, too much attempting to be an alpha male, and degrading of women). When she treated you like a king, it was likely an easy comparison to the others. However, now that she is making more money than you, it is probably a harsh cultural shock for her.

First, your Ukrainian wife probably has relatives and family in that war zone. I bet getting them out and into Canada would be a blessing for them. I would expect that would have weighted heavily upon your wife's mind between 2014 and now. As horrible as it may sound, you might be able to leverage helping her sponsor them in exchange for her committing to therapy, medical treatment, and a commitment to your marriage, should you want. There is nothing like a greatful doting grandmother pressuring her daughter to suck it up and respect her husband for the good of the family.

Second, your focus should be on your two children as it appears to be. Good for you.

Third, as your post ends you sound like you are still in love with your wife or at least in love with the idea of having a complete family with a wife and two children. If you actually pursue that, by all means have your wife medically evaluated, they have medicines and ways to help people with the personality swings she seems to get, although be careful of the libido side-effects.

Fourth, when you get your job, you should have either enough money or a good enough medical benefits package to be able to afford serious marriage counseling or individual counseling depending on if your wife is with you or long gone. In either case start planning to get some counseling as you have a lot of stuff to deal with.

Since you are a writer at least on a semi-professional basis, please consider writing a screen play, book, or something about your experience. It might be therapeutic for you and and enjoyable or informative to others.

Good luck. And I bet it has been a wild ride.


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

She sounds borderline....don't just run, haul ass.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

I would talk with a lawyer and child services. See what you can do to get full custody of your kids.


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## DamianDamian (Aug 14, 2019)

She treats you like crap and you keep taking it. She's definitely banging this other guy 100%. Grow a pair and get divorce papers. 
I've been there, it hurts, and I made it worse by behaving like a total simp. Stop wasting your love on this woman. Maybe you were abused as a child, maybe not - but something must be broken in you to feel attracted to a woman like this in the first place, and that is especially true because you want to keep her. 
****ty people exist, you need to protect yourself from them. I have confidence and knowledge now that I could easily handle this situation again - divorce, don't look back, next.


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