# The hardest thing I've ever been through



## elbertpeak (Apr 12, 2011)

I'm new to this site but am just looking to talk to others that have the same issues.
I've always been a family man, hard working with a demanding job, kids, beautiful wife. I thought I was doing everything right. My wife is the most caring person I know. About 3 months ago my wife went into a "funk". I thought it was severe depression, and I did everything I could to help her. Our marriage seemed to suffer, so we went to "a weekend to remember", a whole weekend focused on marriage. In the end, I became aware that I wasn't giving her the attention she needed (emotional support, listening, etc). For the first time I saw the pain this was causing her (I had no idea!!!). I got down on one knee with tears flowing and asked her to forgive me. With the coldest heart I've ever seen, she said "I can't forgive you", and then she told me she was talking with someone other guy that she had reconnected with on FB. I was just absolutely devasted. She then told me to leave and that she needed space away from me. With no where to go, I camped out in my truck, and showered at work (corporate job). I was a mess, total mess, and ended up crashing at a coworkers place after that first night. I never meant to hurt her and my whole life is dedicated to providing for my family and trying to be a good husband and father.
After a week of hell, she told me I could come back home. That was 1 month ago. She broke off the relationship with this other guy (luckily it hadn't escalated to sex) and she's committed to making it work now.
But, I'm still hurt beyond description. I don't understand how someone so kind could have been so cruel (and to me!)... and then never apologize. The marriage issues are still my fault and I'm doing everything I can to change. But I'm getting burnt out - she isn't changing anything. If we argue I'm scared to death that she'll want to leave again, so I just cave. We are getting counceling, and I know this will take some time.
So when can I expect to feel semi-happy again? Food tastes like crap, I'm not hungry, I have a constant headaches, I'm tired yet can't sleep, I feel like an emotional child. I used to be very in touch with my own feelings and felt very emotionally mature (I'm 36). I finally went to a doctor and it looks like this whole this put me in a depression, so I'm on meds for the time being (that's a first)! 
I know it could have been much worse for me, and I have no idea how many of you deal with cases worse than mine. Any thoughts? I am staying far away from alcohol right now!!!


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## tinkerbell09 (Apr 8, 2011)

wow I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. I am going through the EXACT same thing. My husband is there 110% for his job yet 45% for me. He thinks that if he buys me things it will make it all better. I am too getting really bad headaches and so tired yet cant sleep. I have lost so much weight and I feel like everyone around me is so happy and I am so not happy.. Sometimes I wonder if I just had someone to talk to that can relate....... I hope to hear back from you........


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## elbertpeak (Apr 12, 2011)

Yea, work is a catch-22. If you don't work really hard you risk being laid off, and you won't make more money to provide! Then it can be really difficult to turn work "off" when we get home. But, we have to because ultimately our families are more important than anything else (even if it may not appear that way). My wife was really missing that emotional connection that comes from talking and me listening... intently! She was also missing romantic touch, not sex, but just touching her in loving ways that let her know that I love her. Gifts don't do much for my wife... though once in a while they are nice.
But this pain that it sounds like you're having. I know it must be so real and so deep (my pain sure is!). You should definately tell him about your feelings but in a non-threatening way of course. If he can see that you are genuinly hurt, not mad at him, it would go a long way. That's what did it for me. Then just communicate exactly what you need and don't need. Dudes need it spelled out sometimes...


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## Limbo Man (Apr 10, 2011)

I understand completely what you are going through. A year ago my wife and I both agreed to go to marriage counseling because the spark was burnt out and we needed to do something to reignite it. I love my wife dearly and I have spent the last ten years of my life living for my wife and kids. I work hard and I am an awesome Dad and I tried my best to be a good husband. I am in no way a perfect person and I have done a lot of things to hurt my wife, but I never did them intentionally. I always wanted us to get better. Unfortunately she had an affair before we got to counseling and now she has been living in her own apartment for the past year and she seems like a complete stranger to me. 

Good for you for staying away from the booze. Trust me, it won't help. My best advise to you is keep talking to friends and family, keep posting on sites like this and go talk to a therapist. It really helps. I hope things turn out for the better for you.


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## nuk (Apr 11, 2011)

I hope that I am not imposing here but I am going through something very similar. I was very much invested into my job but only so I could provide for my wife and me. We had a lot of bills, she is in school so I was/am the only breadwinner. I saw signs of us becoming distant in terms of an emotional and physical connection but I kept putting it off. I figured that once I get my career fully settled then I would have more time to work on our marriage. Then, one day we had an argument over something petty. It escalated into a full on shouting match where we both made some hurtful comments. She ended up packing her bags and leaving. Since leaving, she has told family and friends that things were much worse than they were by creating stories out of thin air of how I treated her. I understand that some things may have been worse than they seemed in my eyes but she literally made things up that never happened. She has an issue with telling the truth when she is hurt or scared and that is what she did here. I miss her but am afraid to continue on with someone who lies so much. She has asked for a 6 month separation and we have only communicated over the past month via two emails. Her last email said that she "loves" me and "misses" me but I just don't know what to believe anymore. I am in IC and have suggested MC but she won't come to MC with me and claims that she is in IC herself. I just don't know why she would have taken such a big step to leave and am hoping that she will come home soon. It is just scary because I don't understand why someone who really misses me could request six-months apart with limited to no contact. She won't meet me for coffee or even talk to me on the phone. Is it possible that she is just fully checked out of this marriage now? If so, then why would she send me long email listing issues that she would like for me to work on and tell me that she is working on our marriage too? Any input would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks!


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## sdesruiss (Mar 16, 2011)

El, Don't feel alone. I am in a similar situation. Great kids, Beautiful wife and I thought everything was great. We took a family vacation to a resort for a week. After returning, my W. feel into a slump and then revealed to me that she had been having a PA for the last couple of years. She was hoping that the vacation "with the kids" would rekindle our marriage. All while I had no idea of any problems. We have been seperated for the last 6 months and have been in limbo. The only thing I can say is (for me) about 5 months in, I am getting to the point where I just don't care much anymore. That has helped with the pain, but it does return when I see her. Hope things turn out for you.


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