# Less sex, more affection



## Em-b's Bloke (Oct 12, 2010)

Strange one this maybe, I don't know? :scratchhead:

My partner and I have been together for almost six months now and have lived together since September; she is 34 and I am 41. We are planning to get married next year and I love her to bits, she is gorgeous and I can't get enough of her, which is my problem!

When we first got together I was working away for most of the week and would only get to see her on weekends. She has three kids ranging from 7 to teen and we all get along great. When I did see her we had very explosive hot sex; she would orgasm at least half a dozen times and often even more and we would make love sometimes all day. Even though the sex was very sweaty and intense it was loving too; she not only had the feeling that I love her very much but she also said that it was very "animal".

With this in mind it is only a few months later and the sex is nowhere near as frequent, which I miss. It is however still as explosive when we do have it, just not so often! She has become very very loving and is always saying that she doesn't want me to go when I have to leave for work (I am working in a regular job now and see her every day, though I do work night shifts so am not in bed at night with her for three nights a week) and also is very tactile, wanting lots of hugs and kisses which I love. 

I love this side of things but feel like I would like more sex, the only thing is I don't want to pressure her and send things in the opposite way as I know from past experience when I was pressured into sex it turned me off completely. I have quite a high sex drive but I don't think it is OTT to want it every other day / everyday sometimes!

She knows exactly how much I want her, I let her know what she does to me all the time and she knows I'm not pressuring her, which I'm happy about. It's just that I'm frightened our sex life could become a little routine and that's the last thing I want, I have a failed marriage behind me and now that I have found her I want us to start as we mean to go on and keep things spicy. We seem to have sex now at set times, not spontaneously like we did before I moved in and I often feel like I don't know how to approach her on this subject because as I say, I don't want her to feel pressured. I do wonder though if because she knows how much I want her, she doesn't feel the need to have sex so often? 

Should I just back off and let things happen naturally, let her take the lead and see what happens?


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## chefmaster (Oct 30, 2010)

Em-b's Bloke said:


> I do wonder though if because she knows how much I want her, she doesn't feel the need to have sex so often? Should I just back off and let things happen naturally, let her take the lead and see what happens?


I would not let her take the lead, no. Every woman is different when it comes to their sex drive and just because it is amazing sex does not mean she will want it nearly as often as you. It sounds as though you may be tiring her right the hell out! 

It may not be so much routine or at specific times as it is that she knows at the moment you have chosen to be spontaneous that she has to get some things accomplished and cannot afford the exhaustion that sometimes comes with 6 or 8 orgasms.

If the animal sex happend 2 or 3 times a week and the rest of those 7 days was a quickie with her having just 1, would that be okay with you?

Either way, you need to tell her your feelings on the matter, have an nice long discussion about it then drop it and let the spontaneity return keeping her thoughts in mind.


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

If you are not even married yet, and sex is already diminishing, it WILL be a problem.

Take care of this now!



Em-b's Bloke said:


> Strange one this maybe, I don't know? :scratchhead:
> 
> My partner and I have been together for almost six months now and have lived together since September; she is 34 and I am 41. We are planning to get married next year and I love her to bits, she is gorgeous and I can't get enough of her, which is my problem!


Avoid putting your woman on a pedastal. 

To maintain sexual attraction, this is important, you must act and behave just exactly in this way, that you are so much a good man that you could have ANY woman in the world, and this woman that you desire is your woman.

Make her feel this way, to keep her on fire for you.

Make her feel any other way, such as that you are "lucky" to be with her, or that you are merely a "bird in hand" or something similar, will lead to sexual boredom in your woman. This is NOT what you want!!!



> When we first got together I was working away for most of the week and would only get to see her on weekends. She has three kids ranging from 7 to teen and we all get along great. When I did see her we had very explosive hot sex; she would orgasm at least half a dozen times and often even more and we would make love sometimes all day. Even though the sex was very sweaty and intense it was loving too; she not only had the feeling that I love her very much but she also said that it was very "animal".


Perfect.



> With this in mind it is only a few months later and the sex is nowhere near as frequent, which I miss. It is however still as explosive when we do have it, just not so often! She has become very very loving and is always saying that she doesn't want me to go when I have to leave for work (I am working in a regular job now and see her every day, though I do work night shifts so am not in bed at night with her for three nights a week) and also is very tactile, wanting lots of hugs and kisses which I love.


Affection, is good. But do not lose your edge, make sure you are displaying in your actions and behavior (not so much words), your dark, primal, "animalistic" side and desires as well.

A firm swat on her behind, grabbing her hair and kissing her passionately and then walking away, staring at her up and down without saying anything, such as the predator looking at prey, do not miss these things.



> I love this side of things but feel like I would like more sex,


If you are missing sex, then it is a problem. 



> the only thing is I don't want to pressure her and send things in the opposite way as I know from past experience when I was pressured into sex it turned me off completely.


Your desires, they are important. To neglect them, will only lead to resentment and unhappiness.

This is important though, to avoid "pressuring" with words. 

Begging, negotating, complaining about lack of sex, this will NEVER work.

Instead, the opposite. Act and behave as if your woman is luckiest woman on earth to have your sexual attraction. 



> I have quite a high sex drive but I don't think it is OTT to want it every other day / everyday sometimes!


Absolutely not OTT.



> She knows exactly how much I want her, I let her know what she does to me all the time and she knows I'm not pressuring her, which I'm happy about. It's just that I'm frightened our sex life could become a little routine and that's the last thing I want, I have a failed marriage behind me and now that I have found her I want us to start as we mean to go on and keep things spicy. We seem to have sex now at set times, not spontaneously like we did before I moved in and I often feel like I don't know how to approach her on this subject because as I say, I don't want her to feel pressured. I do wonder though if because she knows how much I want her, she doesn't feel the need to have sex so often?


Do not deprive her of the sexual excitement of winning your attraction.

For a woman to win the attention and attraction of a desirable man, this makes her feminine core FEEL sexual.

When your woman FEELS sexual, it is happiness and sexual bliss for you! 



> Should I just back off and let things happen naturally,


Only if you do not want sex.



> let her take the lead and see what happens?


A man following a woman, this is prescription for sexless, "just friends", love you like a brother, "just roomates" relationship. 

This most likely is not going to produce happiness.

These threads can help:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...ats-attractive-my-wifes-input.html#post181910

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/18181-man-up-nice-guy-reference.html


I wish you well.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Em-b's bloke. Stop that right there. You aren't her "bloke". You are YOU. You are already defining yourself in terms of your relationship to HER. She is going to totally lose respect for you if you think/talk/act like this. 

She is ALREADY bored which is why the sex is dying. 

Listen to the wolf. He knows how to turn a woman into a crazed sex partner. 

But first realize something that is NEVER going to change. If you show fear of her - she will fuvking eat you alive. Women have incredible awareness of two things:
- fear and
- indifference

If you can shed/conceal your fear, and when needed show total indifference to her temper tantrums - you can fix this. Otherwise get used to jerking off as it is the only sex you are going to get. 




BigBadWolf said:


> If you are not even married yet, and sex is already diminishing, it WILL be a problem.
> 
> Take care of this now!
> 
> ...


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

Pandakiss said:


> i was going to say this is normal. sex always ebbs, it waines through the years. its supposed to be hot and heavy in the begining, if it wasnt we prob wouldnt procreat(?).


In general, of course, when the man and woman are approaching the age where physical limitations prevent sex, it may wane.

But the OP, he is not even married to his woman yet, and he is noticing the frequency drop, and in response like many other men, he is treading down a miserable road, to be "nice guy" and follow his woman, hoping for a scrap of sex here or there.

There is a structure to the sexual relationship between a man and a woman, and this structure, when it is recognized and in place, will allow the natural friction between man and woman to ignite the spark of sexual attraction, and keep this flame roaring between them.

The structure, is simply this, the man strives to dominate, the woman strives to be dominated. 

This is action, not passive, it is attitude and behavior, not words, it is an active dynamic in motion between a man and woman that ebbs and flows between them.

The woman strives to be dominated in this fashion, as she will "test" her man for dominance (fitness tests, etc), and the man who passes these tests "wins" her emotional openess and sexual attraction.

And as well, the man who strives to dominate, does this by demonstrating his control over himself and his environment (physical fitness, career, nice car, money, respect, popular, talented, etc). 

And if/when his woman over time is not experiencing him demonstrate these, she will create opportunities for him to demonstrate it (fitness tests, sh!t tests, etc).

As strange as it may sound in words and logic and reason, in short, this "friction", that ignites this sexual spark, is conflict and confrontation. So the man that wants to be sexual with his woman, instead of becoming a "nice guy", he learns to master conflict and confrontation.

For a man to be too "nice" to a woman, to follow her, to tell her what (he thinks) she wants to hear, to stop doing his own hobbies and interests and instead only do what she says she wants to do, in this there is no conflict, no confrontation.

A woman, she will not be challenged by such a man. No friction, she will become bored sexually. 

A woman, she needs to experience that her man is in control of himself and his environment. 

She will also recognize instinctlively that such a man is being dishonest to behave this way, and she WILL resent this dishonesty. A woman, she may tolerate many things from a man, but dishonesty is not tolerated at all.

Much MUCH better for a man to be honest, even if he is disagreeing or doing something his woman would rather him not do, than to say one thing to her face, and be thinking or doing another.

A dishonest man, a woman will NOT respect such a man.

Without respect, sexual attraction is impossible. Respect is the foundation of sexual attraction.





> umm...a side question to BBW whats wrong with a pedastal? you didnt put your wife or girlfriend on one??? just wondering why you are againt it....


A woman on a pedestal, is not good for sexual attraction.

Simply, a woman, she is not be sexually attracted to any man that acts or behaves as if he is "beneath her". 

The man that demonstrates in action and behavior that he is less than her, or can do no better than her, and makes her FEEL as if he is lucky to have her and must kiss her butt or do housework or other bribery to try to "get lucky" to have sex with her, a woman will resent such a man.

Because such a man, is not making her FEEL like a sexually attractive woman. 

Instead, such a man makes her FEEL like a charity case.

A woman, she will FEEL sexual by winning the attraction of the kind of man that, well, is worth winning to begin with.

A woman, she will be bored with the man that is not a challenge. 

Danger over time, she will not just be bored with such a man, but she will resent such a man. Sexual attraction withers, emotional connection withers, then WATCH OUT, the affair man is just around the corner.

However, a woman will LOVE the challenge of winning the attention and desire of the kind of man that is worth winning!


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I think that sex will always vary in frequency, if you get needy when the numbers are lower than at other times. It may set up a bad dynamic. Decide on a frequency that is good for both of you. 

You also have to be reasonable I don't think you can expect to have a few hrs of wild sex every night, you would not have time or energy for much else. She has kids, I assume she works, has a house to keep up, cooks, takes kids to activities.

I'd say that you both talk about how not to take each other for granted and not to put each other on the back burner. Make the relationship the primary one and if you two are happy every body is happy and secure.


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## Em-b's Bloke (Oct 12, 2010)

Wow! Awesome responses guys, thank you very much!

Well as it goes, we had awesome sex last night and she was totally up for it and it was very much a two way thing, she wanted it just as much as me and it was she who instigated the early night. Afterwards we talked for a good while and she explained a few things. I was very careful to not come over all desperate but said that I had noticed we weren't having quite as much sex as we were in the Summer and asked her if all was okay? I was however very careful to point out how much I am enjoying her affectionate side, which in some ways is more important to me anyway because it is showing me that she feels close to me and I love that.

A few things are different since Summer; her job situation has changed and so she has less time to herself. During the summer she had a lot of time off work due to her kids being off school, meaning that she was able to get general household stuff done so that on weekends when I arrived she had nothing more to do than spend all of that time with me, hence lots of sex and relaxation. Now on the other hand she comes in from work and sets about doing laundry and cleaning and giving attention to the kids. I do as much as possible so that she can relax more when she gets in and she appreciates this. She is quite tired a lot of the time and so I understand where she's coming from. Her situation with her youngest child's father has also changed and she is now in a routine with access, so a lot of the time, as is understandable with a seven year old boy, she cannot give me attention and I'm totally cool with that. So to sum up, she has to juggle child care, household jobs and her own working hours as well as me working shifts etc. Not at all easy and when she pointed some of these things out I totally understood. I know that sexually she wants me just the same, if not more than before I moved in, so with the added affection I feel like the luckiest guy alive!

I understand the bit about me putting her on a pedestal, only thing is I can't really help it and I'm not sure if I want to! She is the most precious thing in the world to me and I just want to show her how I feel all the time. I'm no pushover though and don't "do as I'm told" so to speak, I totally do not bow down in arguments unless I'm in the wrong, not that we have many anyway. I feel that as well as me treating her with respect I expect the same in return and would not put up with things any other way!

Really appreciate your responses, thank you very much!


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