# Sex life has improved, my H is more interested



## Kari (Feb 17, 2012)

I wanted to share some good news since I haven't posted for a while. 

My H was only interested in sex once or twice per month for most of our marriage (15 years). It dwindled from once a day when dating, to once a week in early marriage, to about once every 3 weeks for many years. After starting to read TAM last year, I suspected my H had low testosterone. It took me months to get up the courage to ask my H to get tested, and he said he wouldn't go for a special visit but would ask at his yearly physical so I had to wait several more months. Finally, he was tested and had low free testosterone. His total T was borderline at around 300 ng/dl, but his free level showed as 'L' on the test results, which was somewhat of a relief so his doctor felt secure in prescribing the testosterone shots. If my H was told he was 'borderline normal' he might have refused to get the treatment, and that would have been bad news for me.

Some men have a good libido at 400 ng/dl or maybe even 250-300 ng/dl, but many don't unless they are at least in the 500-600 ng/dl range. It varies from person to person. My H clearly had a really low libido compared to the men I read about on TAM, e.g. he avoided coming to bed when he knew I was interested.

Since my H has been on T shots (his total T levels about 700-800 ng/dl), he is now interested every other night (and a few times 3-4 nights in a row!) whereas for the past 15 years, he was only interested once or twice a month. Also, he is so much more into it during the act, and has stronger orgasms, making sex worth it for him.

It hasn't changed his personality, he still sort of seems to prefer me being the more active one, and is still a bit shy to initiate, so gives me subtle signals like squeezing my hand in bed, instead of attacking me. But, once we get started, he is so much more energetic now. It seems that having a sex life is important to him now, we're on the same page, whereas before he could take or leave it and made me feel like I was just 'needy'. It feels wonderful to be compatible and have a good frequency now, it makes me worry less about our marriage's future. I feel at peace and now I don't have the mood swings I would get when it had been a few days. Plus I feel more self-confident and attractive (self-doubt creeps in when your H doesn't desire you). Unfortunately, my H still doesn't like romance, date nights, or much conversation with me, etc, but we have a good sex life now and that makes me feel much happier and satisfied.

Just talking to my H (before the T shots) didn't have much effect, even though he knew I was frustrated, he just procrastinated and avoided sex. From what we've all read in this forum again and again, LD people don't change or have sex often just because their HD partner asks them to. He needed a higher libido to want to do it for his own sake.

I'd like to hear stories from wives here regarding what happens when their LD husbands get testosterone treatment. There are many men here on TAM who are on T therapy and recommend it but they are probably on therapy because they used to be HD and missed it. I'm more interested in hearing from the wives who had to pressure their H to get treated, and what happened after the treatment started.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

That's awesome!


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Thanks SO much for posting this. Mine has an appointment in a few weeks and I am just incredibly anxious to get the results. A year ago he tested in low normal and it has taken a year to get him to agree to go see someone.
Funny how women are just expected to mess with our hormones and take birth control like it's candy, do hormone replacement treatment and that kind of thing but when it's a man, they don't like to mess with that kind of thing. Ugh.
Anyway I am so glad. I try SO hard not to let it affect my confidence and my moods and the outlook for my marriage but it does. I am praying that the endo knows enough that even if it's just low normal the symptoms will be enough to get him to prescribe something and that h will agree to go along with it. 
Thanks for posting it, I really would like to hear more stories!


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## Kari (Feb 17, 2012)

diwali123 said:


> Mine has an appointment in a few weeks and I am just incredibly anxious to get the results. ...
> Funny how women are just expected to mess with our hormones and take birth control like it's candy, do hormone replacement treatment and that kind of thing but when it's a man, they don't like to mess with that kind of thing. Ugh.


Be sure to ask the doctor to test the 'free testosterone' plus either the 'bioavailable testosterone' or SHBG as well, not just total. Sometimes there is enough Total T, but too much of it is bound by SHBG so it isn't available to help his libido. Just testing Total T alone won't tell you that.

I know what you mean about women being expected to take birth control pills, but men complain about hormone treatment for themselves as 'unnatural' or 'playing god' or 'too much hassle'.

I suggest men get trained by their docs to do their own shots at home (with prescription T from a pharmacy I mean). Doing shots yourself, you can adjust the frequency of shots, plus it is cheaper. A 200mg shot every two weeks is a bad idea, the initial spike of T is too high (can cause anxiety, acne) and can lead to much of it being converted to estrogen which can cause fatigue, lower libido, or nipple enlargement. A 100 mg dose of T cypionate once per week is better, or maybe even better to split that in half every 3 or 4 days.
Gels and creams aren't well absorbed by many men, and pellets are only good once you are very sure of the correct dosage for your particular body. Men should plan to adjust the dose or frequency of the shots during the early months to find the dosage that works for their body (while consulting with their Dr). Men need to regularly get their Free and Total Testosterone, estradiol (the type of estrogen that T can be converted to), blood pressure, and hemoglobin checked while on T therapy (test these every few months until their individualized ideal dosage is determined).



My H does his own shot in the thigh once a week. He experimented a bit to find the best needle size (pharmacies carry a variety of needle and syringe sizes), now says it is usually painless or almost painless.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Make sure to keep an eye on his H&H. Shots can spike your hematocrit. Drive up your blood pressure. I actually had to get phlebotomies while getting shots. But now like I said I could drill holes in concrete. Happy for you and your H!


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## Kari (Feb 17, 2012)

MrBrains said:


> Make sure to keep an eye on his H&H. Shots can spike your hematocrit. Drive up your blood pressure. I actually had to get phlebotomies while getting shots. But now like I said I could drill holes in concrete. Happy for you and your H!


True. I've read that some men need to donate blood every few weeks while on testosterone therapy. Monitoring hematocrit is critical. It is an individual thing and some men won't have an issue, thus far, my H's hematocrit is fine. More frequent shots with lower dosages (weekly or more frequent instead of a big dose every 2-4 weeks) is recommended to minimize various side effects. Being able to adjust dosage based on side effects is another reason not to start with pellets.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

I'm assuming he won't have an issue with shots since he used to give them to
hogs. He's a chemist so I think once he gets this confirmed by a good doctor he will be all over it. 
He did tell me that he feels like its his first sign of aging. (? He has lost a lot of hair and has some grays but is still hot. But that isn't a sign of aging?) I know he feels bad about it. 
I don't want to get a mammogram but I have to. It's just part of getting older.


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## Kari (Feb 17, 2012)

diwali123 said:


> ..
> He did tell me that he feels like its his first sign of aging. ....
> I don't want to get a mammogram but I have to. It's just part of getting older.


Admitting he needs the T supplementation may make him feel older. But after he has been on testosterone for a few weeks and his libido is up and his orgasms are better (if it goes as well as for my H), your H will probably feel a lot younger and like he's regained the sexual desire he had in his twenties (or better if he's always been LD).

I should say that T therapy isn't a fountain of youth and is a major decision. My H has always had a lot of energy (except not sexually) and the T didn't increase his general energy. In fact, he says he's a bit more fatigued and thus he decreased his T dose a bit. But the libido affects are wonderful. I think the 'energy increase' only happens if a man has super low T (< 200 ng/dl) and is really fatigued to start with. The libido improvement is supposedly best in a guy whose starting T is between 200-450 ng/dl. If a guy has lower T than that, I've read the results aren't as good maybe because there are more serious health issues involved. I don't think men should supplement T if they are already at 500 ng/dl or higher, only if they have low T to begin with. I'm not sure what is recommended for men who have low libido due to medications such as SSRIs but don't have low T. Men with low T should find a doctor who is familiar with testosterone therapy (many docs are not), and the doctor should monitor their testosterone, estradiol, hematocrit, blood pressure, and PSA levels.

Going on T is a serious decision because it is usually for the rest of your life. Your body stops making it as long as you are on therapy unless you take hcG or clomid or something like that. You need to take these other drugs to restore your own T if you want to get off T therapy, you can't just stop (or you would have debilitating fatigue for a few weeks until your body started making T again). But if a man has low T confirmed by blood tests, he should seriously consider going on T therapy for the rest of his life because he is at relatively higher risk for metabolic syndrome, diabetes, osteoporosis, depression, loss of lean body mass, and possibly heart disease (not to mention divorce or a strained marriage). With low T, a man actually has a HIGHER risk of prostate cancer, testosterone is only dangerous for a man who 1) ALREADY has prostate cancer, and 2) has relatively low T. In a T deficient environment, an existing tumor can grow if the T suddenly increases. So men should also have a prostate check before going on T therapy. A normal T level is good for a healthy prostate, it helps prevent against getting prostate cancer.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

His was at 300. I can't remember if it was free T or the other. 
This is supposed to be one of the best endos in the city. Three months to get a first appointment so I would hope ahe knows what to do with T issues. 
I'm trying to get him to let me go along because I'm afraid he won't be open about all the symptoms. 
Maybe I should just call ahead and talk to the nurse?


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## Kari (Feb 17, 2012)

diwali123 said:


> His was at 300. I can't remember if it was free T or the other.
> This is supposed to be one of the best endos in the city. Three months to get a first appointment so I would hope ahe knows what to do with T issues.
> I'm trying to get him to let me go along because I'm afraid he won't be open about all the symptoms.
> Maybe I should just call ahead and talk to the nurse?


Yep, my H was at 300 ng/dl too. That is his Total T (free T numbers are much lower). Not a good place to be, his total T should be at least in the 500's to have a good libido, 600 or higher is a good target to shoot for.

I really struggled with wanting to go with my H to his doc, or butt in and call my H's doc or write the doc a letter, but I resisted. It depends how much your H would resent you getting involved. My H is very independent, and he would have resented it and felt betrayed so I didn't risk it. Probably you should give your H a chance on his own first. But I would have been really pissed if my H didn't end up getting treated, so if he came home and said he wasn't going to do anything, I would have wanted to talk to his doc or ask my H to go to another one that was more progressive. I'm SOOO glad my H took steps to address his low libido issue. Even if he's not romantic and doesn't take me out, I give him huge credit for doing the T shots. Right now I'm just thanking my lucky stars that it worked out and that the T shots made a big difference to our sex life .

Funny thing is that my H said something recently to imply it was his own idea to get tested and go on T. He admits I suggested it but said 'he was planning to do it anyway'. He never told me, if so. It's for the best if my H feels it was his own decision anyway so I wasn't going to argue to get the credit for the idea.

Going to the doc alone will make it feel to your H like it is his own idea, which is good. Hopefully the endo isn't too conservative or inexperienced with treating low T. Some docs won't treat unless a guy is < 200 ng/dl, and some endos specialize mostly in other hormones, not testosterone. The Endocrine Society now sets the threshold at 350 ng/dl fortunately for you. But that is so arbitrary, each man is different, one man might have a great libido at 300, and another man a poor one at 400. A good doc will look at both the number and the symptoms. If your H is turning down or avoiding sex, that is a strong sign he needs more testosterone to have a normal libido and sex life.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Let's put it this way. When we met he was a sex god. Of course in the beginning everyone had tons of sex so I have to factor that in. 
We had sex multiple times a day, had sex outside, did lots of different things, had it two or three nights in a row, sometimes multiple times a day. 
I think when he went through his divorce and realized that he couldn't get custody of kids and was only going to have them every other weekend it just broke something inside him. 
He's gone to IC, gone to C with his kids, we have gone to MC. I think he's finally getting to a place of acceptance but the stress and grief just shut his hormones down. 
We are now at once or twice a week. Never more than once in a day, never two days in a row. 
I wish his ex would just disappear off the face of the earth.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

For god's sake. I thought his appointment was June 1st. It's the 27th. 
Goddammit.


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