# How long does it take to get over rejection?



## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

It’s been a very emotional week for me-
Work, my son is starting high school, and just me at 45 reliving my mistakes, failures etc.
Then, in top of that, the guy that I guess I was seeing casually... I wasn’t getting any texts, and felt something was off so I asked- are you interested in getting together again? If not it’s ok just please be honest as we’ve always been. Maybe I have him an easy out, but I feel communicating needs to he first. 
Well he came back and his response was- no not at this time and said I wish you all the luck and ended it with my name. I can’t seem to shake it. It hurts and I don’t feel good enough and I know I am, it’s just hard and I can’t stop reading his message.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How long did you date him?


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Would you describe what you mean by casually?

That you would talk about your lifetime mistakes and failures and sort of tie this to what seems to be a not necessarily unexpected relationship end is indicative of a lousy week for you, but more than that. What emotions are you feeling? Do you have some support?


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

We hung out and ate dinner, movies but if we found someone then yes it was over. I know what you’re going to say- I shouldn’t be upset over someone like that, but I’m not sure if it’s him I’m mad over or the rejection. You see, I have some people at work that ate pretty much bullies and and treat me poorly, and on top of other things lately. As far as support- just a best friend who lives an hour away. We talk but she can only do so much. It’s just me and my child 
It seemed after I turned 45 it just got worse- all my worries and self confidence has gone away-


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Of course, you are upset, but even worse, lots of things are piling up right now. Sounds like you are feeling rejection from several directions. How long did you date? Were you more into him than you realized?

Tell us why 45 is not a good age for you? At that age women have lots of physical and emotional stressors too. Are you eating and sleeping like you should be? Has your ability to work been affected? Have you seen your doctor recently? He/she might be able to offer some suggestions.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

Ugh, Sue, I feel for you. From what you describe it was not him alone that is bringing on the big hurt right now. He was the 'straw' that broke the camel's back in a sense. His rejection along with whatever else is going on in work hit exponentially hard. 

Being with him was probably also something to look forward to that made you forget a little bit about the stress at work.

Sue, it will get better but I would not try to look at the situation at once because you are going to get overwhelmed. Forget that dude, his loss.

Can you elaborate more on what's going on with the bullying at work, that is the most concerning to me?


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

Your post is spot on. Exactly 
I’m a social person, and feel that if your at work most of your day then you talk about your kids, life, activities etc. these folk seem to be in their own little word and forget that I’m there. I’ve tried to converse but get the nod or the fake laugh. While they will snicker and bellow out when someone else is chatting. 

They are extreme perfectionists and if you make a mistake- to which I do quite often... they offer no help, training or compassion.
Maybe I’m being too sensitive but I’m used to kind people lol
I know this isn’t reality sometimes, as I’m trying to teach my kiddo that you can have a big heart, but some will take advantage.
So for awhile now I go to work, don’t talk, see my mistakes and feel worthless. I know that it’s all a pile up like another poster said. And I just try to fake it till I make it. 
Yes, his loss as I’m worthy of so much more. I did like him probably a bit more than he liked me.
Talking really helps and I welcome any and all responses.

Thank you all


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

Sue4473 said:


> Your post is spot on. Exactly
> I’m a social person, and feel that if your at work most of your day then you talk about your kids, life, activities etc. these folk seem to be in their own little word and forget that I’m there. I’ve tried to converse but get the nod or the fake laugh. While they will snicker and bellow out when someone else is chatting.
> 
> They are extreme perfectionists and if you make a mistake- to which I do quite often... they offer no help, training or compassion.
> ...


Are you in counseling? It won't help change the people around at work who are set on being dheads at the core but it could start to spin your tune. If you start going into work more confident, firm and in control that could change how they deal with you. 

Are your superiors clued into this environment or are they part of the bully brigade?


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

Unfortunately they are part of the brigade.... but you do have a good point of counseling. I need to check into that. Maybe just tweaking how I let them affect me will help. 🙂

I do have a sense of humor- hasn’t come out in the past few, but at least I know I can make fun of them and their ignorance!


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

Sue4473 said:


> Unfortunately they are part of the brigade.... but you do have a good point of counseling. I need to check into that. Maybe just tweaking how I let them affect me will help. 🙂
> 
> I do have a sense of humor- hasn’t come out in the past few, but at least I know I can make fun of them and their ignorance!


Do you belong to a church? Seems like that would be a great place to start to get involved with a sort of a community that will embrace you and you can get involved and start to make connections that way.


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

Delete the message, delete the contact info.

Then go somewhere that is associated with good memories. 

Pity parties will drag you down.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

I think the only way to be free of feeling rejected is by really understanding and believing that it’s best for us to not continue with anyone who isn’t totally into us. And if he isn’t into you, it isn’t a reflection of anything except lack of compatibility. It doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with either of you. You are the only one who holds your self esteem, and if someone else not being into you shakes you up, it just means you need to work more on yourself. It doesn’t mean they should have stuck around and tried longer. The pain you are feeling is an indication that you need to learn how to be your own inner cheerleader, one who always does their job. Someone who does like you for you will come along, but you’ve got to be able to sustain your own self esteem now and forever, whether he comes soon or later.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

If sex was included in that casual relationship then maybe you were more invested than he was. Sounds like he was planning on ghosting you until you asked him. Better to know where you stand than not.


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

Sex was involved, and it’s funny you say ghosting cause a couple of times I asked if he wanted to grab and nothing.. nada... crickets....
My gut feeling told me something was off and that maybe he had already been talking with someone. Anywoo, that left me texting to see it he was interested in getting together again. 

He’s not worth it I get that. But I am worth it and hopefully someone will like ALL of me.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Piggy backing on @Faithful Wife:

Try to get to where external occurrences don't determine how happy you are. This requires self-discipline and mind control. Build your internal core--self-esteem so that you will be stronger, especially when 'stuff' piles up.

Confidence is a protectant from bullies and 'low places.' Remember that bullies are usually miserable and often ignorant people.

Still don't know how long you were together, but 'tis normal to feel sorta empty at times like this. It is ok to be disappointed. Think: Life sucks some times!

Still think a medical check-up might be beneficial.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

I have specific, go to things that I do when feeling down--even if I don't want to. Take walks (exercise). Look at nature. Pray/meditate. Read poetry or escapism type books that I like. Talk to someone else who I think might need a listener or send them a note. Eat chocolate--not too much though...


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

I totally agree! And thank you for your words... going to do some checking on some counseling and therapy this week.


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## GHaynes (Mar 12, 2018)

What you need is a girls night or two or ten. It sounds like you have a lot of weak connections in your life right now so you put too much weight on the strongest one you had (which doesn't even seem that strong since even you described it as casual). I'm betting you and your friends have been too busy to maintain your truly strong connections and rectifying that would do you wonders.


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## KM87 (Nov 5, 2017)

Chin up, Sue! Sounds like you are on the right track in realizing that it is indeed his loss. And, as another poster mentioned, if he was in the process of ghosting you, you really dodged a bullet given your earlier emphasis on strong communication in a relationship.

I also agree with these other folks in that now is an excellent time to focus on YOU. On becoming a whole person on your own. Get to know yourself - I have a feeling Sue is a pretty great lady! What gives you joy? Do that! What inspires you? Pursue that! What challenges you to become a better version of you? Dig in and do the work! You cannot make a better investment than one in yourself. After all, men will come and go, but you have to live with you forever.


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## DustyDog (Jul 12, 2016)

Sue4473 said:


> It’s been a very emotional week for me-
> Work, my son is starting high school, and just me at 45 reliving my mistakes, failures etc.
> Then, in top of that, the guy that I guess I was seeing casually... I wasn’t getting any texts, and felt something was off so I asked- are you interested in getting together again? If not it’s ok just please be honest as we’ve always been. Maybe I have him an easy out, but I feel communicating needs to he first.
> Well he came back and his response was- no not at this time and said I wish you all the luck and ended it with my name. I can’t seem to shake it. It hurts and I don’t feel good enough and I know I am, it’s just hard and I can’t stop reading his message.


The general rule of thumb, for people who are positive about themselves is this:

In relationship less than one month - recovery in a day to a week, depending on how much you had to learn about yourself after the breakup.

One month to one year - a week per month or two.

Never more than a year no matter how long the relationship.

These are just guidelines.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

Generally getting over rejection happens quicker when you realize that you were never meant to be together and you're better off without them. For some people that realization happens on their own and for others after they're dating someone new that is a much better match for them.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Everyone is searching for love and comfort and support and it feels so good when you find someone who makes you feel good. The problem is people are using people they don’t necessarily want a relationship with just to temporarily make themselves feel good. And then the other person gets emotionally attached naturally and when the other person finds someone “better” or at least someone that makes them feel better or whatever it sucks. 
I am finding that more and more the older I get. People use people for a fix... and it’s mean. When dating and seeing other people one has to be so strong and guarded and unfortunately not expect too much or else this world can really eat you up and spit you out.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Girl_power said:


> Everyone is searching for love and comfort and support and it feels so good when you find someone who makes you feel good. The problem is people are using people they don’t necessarily want a relationship with just to temporarily make themselves feel good. And then the other person gets emotionally attached naturally and when the other person finds someone “better” or at least someone that makes them feel better or whatever it sucks.
> I am finding that more and more the older I get. People use people for a fix... and it’s mean. When dating and seeing other people one has to be so strong and guarded and unfortunately not expect too much or else this world can really eat you up and spit you out.


If I understand this situation correctly, you entered a FWB casual non exclusive arrangement with someone where you discussed that if someone better came along, the arrangement would end.

If you are going to look at it now as if this FWB “used” you, then due to your own hypocrisy in the situation, of course you are going to feel rejected. But it’s all in your head, in twisted logic.

You are the one who “used” this guy, if you agreed to a casual arrangement but you were actually expecting him to give you “love and support”. You are the one who had ulterior motives.

Since your motives did not match your actions, you are the one who harmed yourself by entering an arrangement with the intention of “tricking” him into loving you. It was trickery because you claimed to be ok with a casual arrangement but you were not.

Get true to yourself and don’t enter relationships under false pretenses, and when you can actually be authentic and on the same page with someone else who is also authentic, you will be able to navigate deeper, shared emotions.

The emotions you are feeling now are a result of having duped yourself.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Faithful Wife said:


> If I understand this situation correctly, you entered a FWB casual non exclusive arrangement with someone where you discussed that if someone better came along, the arrangement would end.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




First of all who are you talking to? I didn’t enter into any fwb anything. I was just making a comment about what people do, which is the reality. 
Some people start seeing each other and it’s not discussed whether it’s fwb or just normal dating getting to know each other. I have no idea what the OP conversation was and it honestly doesn’t change my point. I see it all the time, people use people to make themselves feel better.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Girl_power said:


> First of all who are you talking to? I didn’t enter into any fwb anything. I was just making a comment about what people do, which is the reality.
> Some people start seeing each other and it’s not discussed whether it’s fwb or just normal dating getting to know each other. I have no idea what the OP conversation was and it honestly doesn’t change my point. I see it all the time, people use people to make themselves feel better.


D’oh! It appears I confused you with the OP. My apologies.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Do you ladies know what men handle rejection better than women.....now i realize i am generalizing and every man is different, but hear me out....we has a species have had to deal with rejection from our earliest teens...the moment my 13 year self asked a girl to go out with me and she said "no", it killed me and i thought i would die...but eventually i asked again and with every no there was that possibility of a yes....we men have heard "no" far more than we have heard yes...(unless you look like Tom Brady or George Clooney), and even though 'no" still hurts a bit we know that eventually there will be a yes. I would venture to guess that every one of you women out there told a boy or man "no not interested" far more than a man or a boy telling you "no". This is not a reflection on you, it is a reflection on the times...in many ways relationships are as disposable as razor blades. You may get more "no's" but eventually if you stay with it you will get a "yes" which makes all those no's just clouds in your coffee.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Lostinthought61 said:


> Do you ladies know what men handle rejection better than women.....now i realize i am generalizing and every man is different, but hear me out....we has a species have had to deal with rejection from our earliest teens...the moment my 13 year self asked a girl to go out with me and she said "no", it killed me and i thought i would die...but eventually i asked again and with every no there was that possibility of a yes....we men have heard "no" far more than we have heard yes...(unless you look like Tom Brady or George Clooney), and even though 'no" still hurts a bit we know that eventually there will be a yes. I would venture to guess that every one of you women out there told a boy or man "no not interested" far more than a man or a boy telling you "no". This is not a reflection on you, it is a reflection on the times...in many ways relationships are as disposable as razor blades. You may get more "no's" but eventually if you stay with it you will get a "yes" which makes all those no's just clouds in your coffee.




I agree with this except for the newer generation like millennials... they are not use to rejection and don’t handle it well.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Lostinthought61 said:


> Do you ladies know what men handle rejection better than women.....now i realize i am generalizing and every man is different, but hear me out....we has a species have had to deal with rejection from our earliest teens...the moment my 13 year self asked a girl to go out with me and she said "no", it killed me and i thought i would die...but eventually i asked again and with every no there was that possibility of a yes....we men have heard "no" far more than we have heard yes...(unless you look like Tom Brady or George Clooney), and even though 'no" still hurts a bit we know that eventually there will be a yes. I would venture to guess that every one of you women out there told a boy or man "no not interested" far more than a man or a boy telling you "no". This is not a reflection on you, it is a reflection on the times...in many ways relationships are as disposable as razor blades. You may get more "no's" but eventually if you stay with it you will get a "yes" which makes all those no's just clouds in your coffee.


Men may have faced more direct rejection in the form of asking and being answered “no”, but there is no way to quantify the amount of rejection perceived by someone who doesn’t get asked by the one she wishes to be asked from. Say a man asks for a date from 10 women and gets only one “yes”, a woman can easily have feelings for and wish to be asked out by 10 men and only actually get asked out by 1 or even 0.

Then there is the thought, well, she could have asked him out. And in many cases, women do make the first move...and are rejected. Of course there are also women men wish to ask out and don’t for fear of rejection or whatever.

See the thing is....90% of people would “reject” you, no matter who you are. There is a 10% (arbitrary chosen number) of people who would be interested in you, and of those, not all of them would still be interested after a first or second date. Now you’re down to 1% or something.

It’s a thrill and a blessing when two people are totally into each other. But it is not a personal ding against anyone that 99% of everyone would “reject” them. We all would reject 99% of others, too, but we don’t think those others should feel rejected. We just feel, well of course, I’m only attracted to a narrow range to begin with (ages, common values, common relationship goals, physical preferences, common social or economic status, similar values re: kids, etc), so why would someone in the 99% be offended that I wouldn’t choose them? We can’t choose everyone and we all have our preferences.

If you are “rejected” because you aren’t someone’s preference, it should not be considered a personal rejection. It should be seen the same way that you just aren’t feeling it for some people, too. It’s nothing against them, it’s just how you feel and you can’t help it. Those who aren’t into you can’t help it either. We should all follow those natural impulses and never enter into a relationship if either of you just aren’t feeling it.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Rejection hurts, but maybe it's also important to learn a lesson in here that you assumed things that weren't there, and you said yourself that you both were just ''casually'' seeing each other.

And when someone isn't reaching out to you at all, then assume it's done. They could be stuck under a fallen tree, but odds are, they are ghosting you, and it's not going to go anywhere.

If a guy is into you, he'll be interested in seeing you again, and will contact you often.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

I don't get the whole "rejection" thing. Not everyone is meant for everyone. Big deal. If someone does not want to go out with me, rock it.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

NobodySpecial said:


> I don't get the whole "rejection" thing. Not everyone is meant for everyone. Big deal. If someone does not want to go out with me, rock it.


 I completely agree. Now, of course when I have spent a long time in a relationship with someone, and that relationship ends, there will be sadness. That is to be expected. But this idea that it's a huge rejection when something only a few dates in or that's not defined stops happening… I just don't get it. Not to show my age, but I dated in the eighties and nineties. We didn't have the Internet and cell phones, so there was none of this they didn't text back and it's been 2 hours thing. If I made plans with someone on a Tuesday for that Saturday night, I might not hear from them again until they knocked on my door Saturday night. And if I went out with someone 3 or 4 times and they stopped calling, it wasn't called ghosting. It was called oh well I guess they were intrested. I don't see how people survive life's normal up's and down's these days. Sometimes things don't work. That's life.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> Men may have faced more direct rejection in the form of asking and being answered “no”, but there is no way to quantify the amount of rejection perceived by someone who doesn’t get asked by the one she wishes to be asked from. Say a man asks for a date from 10 women and gets only one “yes”, a woman can easily have feelings for and wish to be asked out by 10 men and only actually get asked out by 1 or even 0.
> 
> Then there is the thought, well, she could have asked him out. And in many cases, women do make the first move...and are rejected. Of course there are also women men wish to ask out and don’t for fear of rejection or whatever.
> 
> ...


I absolutely agree with your assessment FW...when a man meets a woman, they both smile they may even laugh at the same things or have read the same book, based on that alone from a man perspective, he may find her very pretty, very intelligent, very kind, very charming or a mix of any of those, he does not know her, she may not know him but some where in the initial interaction he notes some commonality......he would like to get to know her better, ask more questions, so begins the courting rituals, we can all agree beyond a smile, a laugh or a thought he know absolutely nothing more about her but what he can visual see, (of course if he is very good at this he notes simple cues (body language) but let's assume he can't).....and to some that is enough or a start. Maybe she is gay, maybe she is not into his color, or she maybe have an illness and does not want to waste what time she has left with anyone new...maybe she is interested and he is not, but if someone does not start the conversation then everything else is moot, someone has to start talking and asking to either get the acceptance or rejection, and perhaps your right 90% of the time he will walk away empty handed....but if you are afraid to take that leap, you might have missed the love of your life. Some of the best moments of my life came from rejection...i did not think so at the time, but in hindsight where i ended up would not have happen had it been an acceptance. 
As they say you can't when the lottery if you don't buy a ticket...mind you the odds of actually winning at rare but someone always wins.


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## PreRaph (Jun 13, 2017)

First to the OP: rejection hurts, even when it's just casual. How long does it take to get over it? Depends really, depends on how much I like them. A certain woman can impress me very deeply, and even though it may be casual, I'll feel the rejection a lot, I mean quite a lot.

To some of the other comments: So I'm a man, and the idea that I can flit in amongst 10 women, ask each of them out, hedge my bets that 1 will say yes while the other 9 will say no, sorry but I can't do that without it having a bad effect on my self-esteem for one, and on my willingness to play the field like that for two. 

Contrary to the me-alpha-tarzan who swoops in and sweeps women off their feet just like that type, see which ones hang on and which ones don't, rinse and repeat until I win my trophy woman. . .I find that very alienating. That's not to say I've never come on to a woman, but hell, it's the exception, not the rule and the context between me and her was usually understood.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

Sue4473 said:


> Sex was involved, and it’s funny you say ghosting cause a couple of times I asked if he wanted to grab and nothing.. nada... crickets....
> My gut feeling told me something was off and that maybe he had already been talking with someone. Anywoo, that left me texting to see it he was interested in getting together again.
> 
> He’s not worth it I get that. But I am worth it and hopefully someone will like ALL of me.


The first time he ghosted is a huge flag. Adults don't ghost without a clear reason. Like I told you we are over, or please stop texting me. Cowards do that. Consider yourself lucky that it is over, he showed his true colors.


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

Loved this! You made me smile ☺


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