# Strip Clubs - thoughts and insights appreciated!!!



## See (Feb 12, 2013)

Hey everyone, need some insight on my situation
So I was engaged about two months ago..
couple of days ago, my fiance tells me that he has a work dinner thing to go to and that he'll be home late. then he texts me that dinner is over and theyre going out for drinks.
He comes home at midnight tipsy and then confesses that he went to a strip club ALONE!!! i ask if he was ever even out for drinks and he doesnt respond, which basically means NO - and which means he lied to me and abused my trust! 

Heres the thing, he did not just hang out and watch girls dance and get a simple lap dance he got a private room in an expensive club in NYC and had a dancer for one whole hour... my curiousity is killing me because I feel like it's even worse than I imagine it to be... any of you guys have experience in these private champagne rooms?

We have an amazing 11 month old son together..
Yesterday I said I wanted to break up... 
he has cheated on me once before and I gave him a second chance thinking how great we were together but he just blew it. 
Guys, if you KNEW your fiance would FOR SURE leave you if you went to a strip club, would you still do it????? :scratchhead:

Why did he do it? HE doesn't even understand how could throw our relationship away so easily.. 
anyway I cant let myself be hurt again I deserve so much better. 
what an effing idiot for paying so much when I give him the entertainment AND MORE for FREE!~ 

- Extremely Heartbroken.


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

No personal experience but AFAIK private rooms means blowjobs. I've been to strip clubs since being married, but only for business reasons. He certainly has no business going alone. If he feels the need to do that, there's clearly something wrong.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Depends. If it's an upscale NYC club club they probably have methods to monitor the action and prevent funny business. Could be a little hand over pants action. PROBABLY was what Drover said.

Sorry.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

If its upscale like say Scores in NYC, the only action he got was being fleeced for his money.
He is totally in the wrong for doing that to you. Only redeeming thing in your post is he told you. How much of its the truth is for you to decide.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Getbusylivin (Dec 23, 2012)

He at a minimum got blowed, Strip clubs are there for one thing, to separate you from your money, it seems like yall are young in your relationship, and if he is getting it at home, then his behavior is habitual and not likely to change,,


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## See (Feb 12, 2013)

it's an upscale strip club he paid 800 for an hour. He is getting it at home ... But as you might know having a baby changes things - still we maintain a pretty healthy sex life. I agree I think this could become habitual and not likely to change , which is why I am getting out of this relationship fast while I am still young. Thanks for replying...


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## frustr8dhubby (Dec 23, 2010)

Have any of you spouting this nonsense even ever been to a strip club?

In between marriages and even occasionally while in this marriage I have been to several (and yes, she knew).

I have had private dances and for the most part you are not even allowed to the touch the dancers. I have heard the stories but I have never experienced/seen/or even been told of actual sex acts happening in them.

I am not telling you that you shouldn't be upset with him. He should have been truthful with you. I personally think you should be even more upset for cheating on you.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

What nonsense are you referring to? 
Yes I have in the past. I have never seen anything other than a stripper dancing. No touching or anything close to contact 
but I also never paid $800 for a lap dance.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

I'm sorry for your pain, OP, but there's no way I would be in a committed relationship with a man who cheats, lies and hires private rooms at strip clubs. IMO, your fiance has already given you a glimpse of the sort of future you can expect with him, and it's now up to you to decide if that's the sort of life you really want.


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## See (Feb 12, 2013)

frustr8dhubby said:


> I am not telling you that you shouldn't be upset with him. He should have been truthful with you. I personally think you should be even more upset for cheating on you.


I can't even separate the two instances anymore all I see is the sum of his actions.. I am so disappointed that he wasn't the man I thought he was 

But on the bright side as cosmos points out... I saw a glimpse of my possible future with him and am mortified ! 

So it's time to emotionally detach ... We still have to live together for another several months


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

You are doing the right thing by detaching and NOT getting married. Good for you. 

What happened with the stripper aside, I would be livid if my husband spent $800 for an hour of ANYthing without talking it over with me first!!


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## frustr8dhubby (Dec 23, 2010)

richie33 said:


> What nonsense are you referring to?
> Yes I have in the past. I have never seen anything other than a stripper dancing. No touching or anything close to contact
> but I also never paid $800 for a lap dance.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I was referring to those "yep he at least got a BJ" responses.


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## See (Feb 12, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> You are doing the right thing by detaching and NOT getting married. Good for you.
> 
> What happened with the stripper aside, I would be livid if my husband spent $800 for an hour of ANYthing without talking it over with me first!!


Thank you for telling me its the right thing to do - I've been wondering if I'm making the right move. of course my gut tells me yes but there's always that lingering feeling. Thank you for the support I really need this as I haven't told anyone yet. 

I was fuming mad when he told me how much he'd spent - cant believe how selfish he really is deep down.


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## hawx20 (Jan 10, 2013)

What he did is wrong on so many levels. You have every right to be mad. Spending $800 on anything without telling you is bad. Spending that money on a stripper is unforgivable.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

See said:


> *he has cheated on me once before and I gave him a second chance *


........and if you give him a third chance , without dealing with his obvious lack of respect for you in your relationship...,
He will do it again.


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

He should have spent the 800 on MC or IC, to late for that..or is it?


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## See (Feb 12, 2013)

Caribbean Man said:


> ........and if you give him a third chance , without dealing with his obvious lack of respect for you in your relationship...,
> He will do it again.


Yes, he probably will do it again - but it won't be with me because I'm leaving him as soon as I can! Done with it


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## See (Feb 12, 2013)

strugglinghusband said:


> He should have spent the 800 on MC or IC, to late for that..or is it?


Sorry I'm bad with the Internet abbreviations . 
What is this exactly? 

I really understand the marriage before kids thing now.. I was so naive before.


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

See said:


> Sorry I'm bad with the Internet abbreviations .
> What is this exactly?
> 
> I really understand the marriage before kids thing now.. I was so naive before.


MC= Marriage counseling IC= Independent Counseling


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## Kaboom (Feb 6, 2013)

frustr8dhubby said:


> Have any of you spouting this nonsense even ever been to a strip club?
> 
> In between marriages and even occasionally while in this marriage I have been to several (and yes, she knew).
> 
> ...


^^THIS

I have gone to many clubs, and still go occasionally to a couple of local ones. Let me assure you, NOTHING goes on in the champagne or private rooms. They are not even private, more exclusive. The bouncers still monitor those rooms and keep an even more careful watch on the girls. You are not allowed to touch them with your hands at any time. You are not allowed to suggest or even hint at buying any services with them.. I was in the club a few weeks ago when the guy next to me asked the girl if she did any "side work", he was immediately asked to leave and never come back. I know one of the dancers personally, and she told me that the stories are all myth, and that only maybe a handful of clubs in the country would allow that to go on.

Anyways- Regaring the OP's issue- I sympathize.. if he's cheated before then he should know better than to go without your knowledge and consent.

I do however want to stress that he did "fess up" to it, and although I don't know the specifics on how/why, I would say that if you cornered him and he had no choice but to tell you, then you are correct to feel he betrayed you.

But- if he just came out with it on his own, I think you might want to consider some latitude. Men think differently than women, we all know that, but when we come clean like that, it's usually because we're trying to be open and honest about something rather than "lie", so even if it is after-the-fact and you do have the right to be mad that he didn't get your consent first, he did fess up on his own, and that speaks volumes that he does in fact respect you, at least to some degree. I'm not saying to forgive the guy, but maybe give him a chance.

I also haven't forgotten that he cheated on you in the past, but without knowing the circumstances, I can't really give a better response. Theres a lot of differences in how and why people cheat, and I will argue that most are inexcusable, but sometimes there's a rare cheat circumstance that can be forgivable.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

You guys can say 'men think differently than women' all you want, but who cares?? What difference does that make? If your wife doesn't care about you going to strip clubs and getting private dances, more power to you. But if you haven't checked it out with your wife first and you just go and DO it, then expect to be thrown out on your ass, for being an ass. Not to mention spending $800 for.................what?? Masturbation fodder? Online porn is FREE, [edited].


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## Kaboom (Feb 6, 2013)

There's really no excuse for this guy and I didn't mean to give the impression that I was defending him.. I was just trying to cover all the bases.

As far as men thinking differently.. I think we've all struggled with telling a SO about something we've done that they would get upset about, even as small as dropping a dish and breaking it- especially if it were their favorite dish. There's ways a person can lie about it, lie by omission, get cornered and have to confess by threat, or confess by feeling guilty or out of respect. 

What one chooses to do in the situations reflect a lot on who they really are. When I say men think differently, I mean to say that we see things more plainly- that once we did something wrong, that we "manned up" and were honest about it. It's something many women don't seem to give any respect to, but it's absolutely at the very essence of male self-image, and speaks a lot about his personal honesty and trustworthiness.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Kaboom said:


> When I say men think differently, I mean to say that we see things more plainly- that once we did something wrong, that we "manned up" and were honest about it. It's something many women don't seem to give any respect to, but it's absolutely at the very essence of male self-image, and speaks a lot about his personal honesty and trustworthiness.


I don't know about this. Many guys think that it's better to apologize than ask permission - IF they get caught. If they DON'T get caught, they never tell. Of course many women do this too.

It is hard to admit to something you've done wrong, and you're right when you say we should acknowledge that. It's a fine line, though - when my husband admitted to hiring a hooker, what was I supposed to say?? "Oh, dear, that's ok, since you admitted it I forgive you". You can't let someone get away with something just because they admit they did it.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

frustr8dhubby said:


> Have any of you spouting this nonsense even ever been to a strip club?
> 
> In between marriages and even occasionally while in this marriage I have been to several (and yes, she knew).
> 
> ...


Nonsense? Around here strip clubs are a buffet. All you can eat and whatever you want.


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## See (Feb 12, 2013)

I totally get you covering all the bases. When he confessed to cheating on me he did so after waiting a month. he fessed up on his own just as he did this time and I do take that into consideration. He has always been this way - very honest and open... But what good is that when he's being honest after having done the things he did? 
kaboom, we do give respect to the guys for "manning up" ...
But it came a little too late. 
He should have manned up and thought for a second about his commitment to me and our son.. Knowing what he'd done was the last straw. 

Kaboom, giving him another chance would mean putting myself at risk for more hurt and heartbreak. From the very beginning I have said to him that cheating was the one thing that I absolutely do not tolerate - and then when he did it I still gave him a second chance. What does that say about me? Am I too forgiving or just an idiot?

I think I'm done being "Mrs. Nice gal"


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## Kaboom (Feb 6, 2013)

See said:


> I totally get you covering all the bases. When he confessed to cheating on me he did so after waiting a month. he fessed up on his own just as he did this time and I do take that into consideration. He has always been this way - very honest and open... But what good is that when he's being honest after having done the things he did?
> kaboom, we do give respect to the guys for "manning up" ...
> But it came a little too late.
> He should have manned up and thought for a second about his commitment to me and our son.. Knowing what he'd done was the last straw.
> ...


You are absolutely right to feel that way and your decision isn't in question. You've shed more light on it, and it's pretty clear that he has no self-control. I think I was brooding more on the broken dish scenario than anything else, and was more focused on the intent than the action.

If you are looking for confirmation of your decision, even someone as defensive as I am would stand by your choice.

I had mentioned that I go to strip clubs. I'm very sexually liberated, and my wife for all of her flaws, is too. She occasionally goes with me, and arguably has more fun than I do, as the bouncers are much more tolerant to women touching the dancers. NEVER would we drop $800, I don't even know how to spend that much in a strip club in one night, by myself. That IS fishy, and I would guess there's still something he's not telling you.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Hope1964 said:


> I don't know about this. * Many guys think that it's better to apologize than ask permission* - IF they get caught. If they DON'T get caught, they never tell. Of course many women do this too.
> 
> It is hard to admit to something you've done wrong, and you're right when you say we should acknowledge that. It's a fine line, though - when my husband admitted to hiring a hooker, what was I supposed to say?? "Oh, dear, that's ok, since you admitted it I forgive you". You can't let someone get away with something just because they admit they did it.


You are correct. I have no tolerance for such folks. These people exist in the business world and they learn that they messed up if they pull that on me. This attitude is disengenuous and just a spin on what you don't know won't hurt you. Not people you can trust.


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## See (Feb 12, 2013)

I just have to say, this has been the best immediate therapy I could ever have asked for... 
I don't know who y'all are or where you come from but I am so grateful for your opinions - this is my first forum experience and I think it's great!

I am so sick of hearing "I'm sorry".
And so tired of hearing "you know I love you.."

I find that The older I get the more cynical I'm becoming... It's not good.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

See said:


> I am so sick of hearing "*I'm sorry*".
> And so tired of hearing "*you know I love you*.."


Words. Nothing but air.

It is ACTIONS that count.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

I would bet she did more than dance for $800.... I have a 'friend' who works as a stripper/hooker. I know for a fact she gives BJ's in the private rooms. She also allows as much touching/fingering as they want...as long as the dollars flow. She sees all the men as a walking wallet whose penis is making all decisions for the night...

Sorry OP your man is a liar and cheater. You and your child deserve better than this don't you? 

Run now... your too young and smart for this sort of life!


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## See (Feb 12, 2013)

Waiwera, thank you for your replr... 
At this point I think it would do me some good to stop guessing what the heck really happened... Don't get me wrong I am DYING to know but it's unhealthy for me to obsess over it. 
Believe it or not, part of the reason I want the details is because I want to know who I've been with these past 5 years ... Someone I never thought would do this ... The details would fill in the the part of him that I never knew existed. How far would he go - this man that I loved, defended, and beamed about!!


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

See - i understand what your saying. My H lied to me year or so ago over a financial issue. His lies and secrets have caused me to question everything I thought I knew about him.

I personally would need facts and evidence if i was dealing with the same issue as you... so i could move on...knowing it was the right thing to do.

I'm so sorry for your pain OP... sometimes love really does hurt... horribly.


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## Malcolm38 (Dec 25, 2012)

I've been to the upper scale strip clubs, and it's usually about watching and mingling with good looking women while they strip you of your wallet. 

I suppose some of the dives have sex involved, but the one's I've been too are the "no touch" types so I don't know much about the dives. 

But yeah, crappy thing to do by being all secretive about it and on the sly. Especially with a cheating past.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Malcolm38 said:


> I've been to the upper scale strip clubs, *and it's usually about watching and mingling with good looking women while they strip you of your wallet. *


^^:rofl:

That's a nice way to put it!


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

richie33 said:


> What nonsense are you referring to?
> Yes I have in the past. I have never seen anything other than a stripper dancing. No touching or anything close to contact
> but I also never paid $800 for a lap dance.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


There is a difference between spending $800 in a strip club and spending $800 for a lap dance. Just saying.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Okay...I am going to throw myself into the field of fire there, so make my end quick.

You are about to be married. People who are about to say 'I do' start to see the prospect as a VERY SCARY future! I don't know you, and I'm sure you are a perfect catch but other people...they are LESS than perfect catches. All the fiances know this and are under enormous pressure to make decisions which will affect their lives FOREVER!

Now..women seem to deal with this stress by cancelling and restarting the wedding as she gets the jitters. Some of them even go so far as to indicate to other swains of the past her statuse, almost as a challenge for him to up his bid. Some just get incredibly angry at their intended, giving them a sh*t test "If you REALLY love me, you will put up with all this abuse to prove you are the man I am _willing_ to marry..."

Some girls even get their 'last minute dates' out of their system.

Men aren't any different. He's anxious too. This isn't an excuse as someting to make his actions understandable.

Of course, it's easier to say 'oh...he's just an EVIL invenerate cheater."

So you can choose to cancel everything and walk away. Or you could preface it with a few discussions.

That's the nice thing about most of life. People change. People can change their minds. I'd want to know why before I made firm decisions.

If he doesn't have many friends, it could be he threw himself his own bachelor party.

But the lying...huge red flag. But exactly how do you have that conversation?

"Honey, I'm feeling very down on myself and uncertain about our marriage so I want to go stare at chicks who are 'different' than you are before I give up all rights to do that anymore. I'll be back at 2, okay?"

Like THAT would work!


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

So...you have a purse. It's a GOOD purse. It fits your lifestyle. You can afford that purse.

Do you ever go wandering into the Gucci section of Macy's and whistfully look at other purses? Do you suddenly want to throw your purse away?

"What might have been's" is a common human pasttime. Strip clubs are fantasies, not realities. EXPENSIVE fantasies...


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## Honest opinion (Dec 14, 2012)

I was wondering why would he come and confess to you!!! You said he texted you that night he is out with friends ,but later that night he said he was is a stripping club?? Did he feel bad was he sorry,try making you feel jealous?? Anyway no matter what was his intentions he is an ******* ,leave him ,you deserve better cheating more than one has no excuse .


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> You guys can say 'men think differently than women' all you want, but who cares?? What difference does that make? If your wife doesn't care about you going to strip clubs and getting private dances, more power to you. But if you haven't checked it out with your wife first and you just go and DO it, then expect to be thrown out on your ass, for being an ass. Not to mention spending $800 for.................what?? Masturbation fodder? Online porn is FREE, [edited].


:iagree:

It's rather like a woman trying to justify going to clubs and dancing with other men on a GNO. "Women think differently to men. We just enjoy the titillation of flirting. It doesn't mean anything." simply wouldn't wash I'm afraid.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Cosmos said:


> :iagree:
> 
> It's rather like a woman trying to justify going to clubs and dancing with other men on a GNO. "Women think differently to men. We just enjoy the titillation of flirting. It doesn't mean anything." simply wouldn't wash I'm afraid.


Neither wash...and yet both genders do exactly that.


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## Zing (Nov 15, 2012)

You sound like a wonderful girl...I'm able to admire your personality from your handful of posts...

I take it you've been faithful to your fiance all through your relationship together...shows your sense of *commitment*
You say you are physically enthusiastic & intimate enough for him to NOT have any reason to go to strip clubs...shows you're a *fun girl* in the bedroom
He cheated on you first and you were furious about it...shows your sense of *self-respect*
Yet, you were able to forgive him once when he (possibly) tried to convince you of his investment in this relationship...shows you have a *big heart*
Now when he's deceived you again, you have put your foot down and this time DO NOT want to go back on your decision...shows you can be forgiving, but *not at the cost of being a doormat*
You're intrigued that something nasty must have happened behind those curtains, but have now realized there is no point obsessing over it...shows how *level-headed* you are
You're foreseeing/planning your future realistically....shows your *wisdom*
And oh...the way you keep mentioning your 11 month old leads me to believe you're a *good mommy* too!

Do you know how many men would love, yearn for, cherish and value that killer combo... don't settle for less young lady!


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## Erin143 (Feb 12, 2013)

I know when I went into a strip club in NYC and inquired about the VIP room the stripper said I could not negotiate the terms of the room with her because what goes on in the room if I discussed it with her it would legally be prostitution. I didn't do it after that and I still know for and hour it was no 800 for an hour. Something going on. There's nothing wrong with strip clubs but when it gets to that point, what you do is you go in you have fun and you go home to your significant other you don't go break bank. He may has well have paid her Rent.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## br625 (Jun 27, 2012)

Do you know the name of the strip club he went to? Since my husband went over a year ago (you can pull up thread under private lap dance in NYC) I've become somewhat of an expert on NYC clubs. A half hour in NYC for VIP can easily run $300+ so an hour can easily run $600+, add on tip for server, host, dancer, bouncer and that's $800. Go on Stripper Web Exotic Dancer Community and you will see how expensive nyc vip rooms are. I'd say for the most part he got a lot of VIP treatment...talking, drinking, flirting.... and some boobs in face and good grinding, but I highly doubt much more than that happened (believe me, I know that's bad enough....took me a year to get over it). Now if you're talking about a Detroit club, that's another story and I think a lot of extras do go on there and in other shady cities. I think the bigger issue here is trust. A random, one time trip to a strip club was perhaps stupid but not enough to end a fine relationship over. If you can forgive him for the initial cheating then I don't see why you can't forgive him for this. Does he feel bad about what he did? Is he doing everything he possibly can to make it up to you? And one last thing...he did tell you he went to a strip club. I know SOOOOO many married men that go and get private lap dances and their wives have no clue. These men have told me themselves what they've done. Also, my husband gets the scoop from the guys after his softball games. He's breaking the guy code here by telling me what goes on, but it's really a non-issue because I don't know the wives and there's nothing I can do about it, other than say ewww gross. Anyway....ask your fiance what prompted him to go to a strip club alone (I'd be more understanding if it was a business outing or special event) and ask him why he confessed. Would you have found out about the $800 if he didn't tell you (i.e., credit card bill?). Hang in there and keep this in perspective!


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