# Divorced Twice



## DDDCanada (Mar 23, 2011)

Hello,

I am hoping to gain your perspective on the experiences of others that may be similar to mine.

After dated a girl for 4 years, I married in 2001 at the age of 27. We had a child together in 2005 and everything seemed really good. Shortly after the birth of our son, she had decided to have two EAs, one with a good friend of mine and the other with her boss. I found out about this in 2009 after seeing explicit messages on her phone. We separated the same year and divorced in 2010. 

While separated, I met a girl that was crazy about me and that I was attracted to. We hit it off instantly and decided to marry at the end of 2010. She was good with my son but noticed that she was becoming more intolerant to him. This became an issue as well as her dishonesty about her past. I opened about that my ex was the only women I had ever been with sexually. She was always reluctant to share her sexual past but ultimately told me she slept with "5 or 6" men. That number turned out to be closer to 40. These issues created huge trust issues in our relationships and we separated in June 2012. We have a daughter together. I also learned about her mental instability and bipolar disorder. She was extremely volatile and aggressive and threatened my son, my family and me. As difficult as my first divorce was, the second was very tough to deal with. I felt like I was being pummelled continuously. She would speak with anyone that would listen about how terrible a person I was. My second divorce should be finalized in 3 months.

At this point, I am interested in meeting new women but am concerned about how to explain my past experiences. I am curious as to how others dealt with this and if you were able to overcome it with new women.

Thanks,
DDDCanada


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

My advice to you is to go celibate for a good two years. You obviously have crap choice in women and you should get into some counseling to figure out why your chick radar is faulty. 

Learn to be comfortable with yourself, to the point where you know you could live a happy life without ever marrying again. When you come to that place, of complete emotional independence, then you will be ready to date and share your life with someone who is honest and who respects you. You won't be settling for third best anymore.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DDDCanada (Mar 23, 2011)

Thanks, bandit.45. I don't have the desire to marry again but would like to find a woman that I could spend some time with. With that said, I understand taking time for myself. The emotional connection with woman is something I miss.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

DDD:

I hope you will not take this as 'attacking' you, because I don't mean it that way. You married W#2 at the end of 2010 and you came to TAM in early 2011. I take it you had problems in the marriage early-on.

You need to own YOUR problems before you even TRY to have another relationship. Even if (which is impossible) ALL of your relationship problems were caused by your cheating/lying ex-wives, you still chose them! You need to fix that! Until you figure out and 'fix' what it is about you that chooses/settles for these cr*ppy relationships, you'll just have more of these same relationships (same woman, only the name will be different).

Try reading 'Codependent No More' by Melody Beattie (you can download it to your computer via a free Kindle app on Amazon.com for laptop users). Answer EVERY question (in writing) at the end of every chapter. If you can/will be HONEST with yourself, you will learn a tremendous amount about yourself and you'll see where your weaknesses lie. Then you can find books/counseling to address those specific issues.

'His Needs, Her Needs' is another good book to understand what you need in a relationship.

Maybe you need to read up on boundaries.

Start reading a LOT of the recommended books here on TAM before you even ATTEMPT to have another relationship.

Meanwhile, if you just want to meet people to do stuff with, try meetup.com. It's not a DATING site, it's a place where people with similar interests arrange group outings (skiing, wine-tasting, kayaking, hiking, speaking a foreign language, shooting pool, playing cards, going to live theater, etc.).

Best wishes for 2014!


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## DDDCanada (Mar 23, 2011)

Thanks, Slowlygettingwiser. I agree that I chose the women in my life. I went in with good intentions but could have made different choices. I am working on embracing my own vulnerabilities so I can can free myself of the shame and fear of moving forward. I am trying to move through life "wholeheartedly" and learn from my past choices. I recognize that I played a role in the demise of both relationships and could have handled things differently. I also recognize that I care about and love myself enough to have moved on from both of those situations. My intent here is to learn about comparable experiences and how they managed the challenges.


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

Listen to Slowly, she is pretty smart. Don't they have a lot of pretty girls that you can talk to for short period's of time for little real money in Canada?

I think you need to work on yourself before you get involved with another female. Just my 2 cents. David


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## maincourse99 (Aug 15, 2012)

It's natural for you to want female companionship, but like bandit said, stay celibate of for a while!

It's a minefield finding someone who just wants friendship or FWB. Women like that are rare IMO. Most want something serious and your life will get complicated fast. 

Get to know yourself, you need a break. Best wishes.


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## DDDCanada (Mar 23, 2011)

Thanks. I actually enjoy being on my own and everything that comes with it. The consistent message here seems to be to spend more time on my own, which seems to make sense.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

DDDCanada said:


> We separated the same year *and divorced in 2010. *
> 
> *While separated, I met a girl* that was crazy about me and that I was attracted to. *We hit it off instantly and decided to marry at the end of 2010.*
> 
> ...


Do you notice the pattern here? 

You jump from one boiling pot to another.

You marry your rebounds. you do not take any time to heal from the current relationship/marriage before dating/getting engaged/marrying again.

Try something different. 

Date yourself for awhile.

As for how to explain? Just be honest.


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## IronWine29 (Dec 31, 2013)

Dude -- eerie similarities to my own situation. One thing that sticks out for me was you say STBXW2 was "crazy about me and that I was attracted to." Did she pursue you, and where you honest with yourself about how you felt about it?

Personally, I am just focusing on my kids, work, and getting fit. I feel lonely, but when I am honest with myself, I am really happy to be alone.

I wouldn't discuss your divorces with any new women. Focus on your positives.


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