# When life throws you lemons....



## hurting and confused 1 (Aug 29, 2019)

Life has been a bit crazy the last few years. But first the history. I married my teenage sweetheart. We met when I was 16 and he was 22. We married when I was 18 because of me getting pregnant. The marriage was hard and only one sided for the first few years of marriage. Finally, I felt like he truly loved me and didn't just marry me because of social pressure. Things were good for about 10 years. We had kids and I loved it, but things went south on his end. The last few years have been very hard, especially the last year. I have thought about leaving him countless times in the last year and even was unfaithful twice (one of which he knows about). A part of me has wanted to leave him and a part of me hasn't but I hate the issues that our marriage has faced. So that explains my user name:|
I am hoping to find some good relationship advice here from other people that might have been through the same trials. Thanks in advance.


Edit- Since I can't seem to post anywhere else on this site, I will put my "dirty laundry" out here for all to see. Admin- feel free to move this to the appropriate location. Thanks

So as I said he only married because he knocked me up. I was his teenage play toy that he never intended on and even openly stated that he would never marry. When I got pregnant, he was in denial until he couldn't be anymore. He then shunned me from his life until I was 8 months pregnant and then he finally married me out of guilt. The first couple years of our marriage was hard because I didn't feel that he loved me. Eventually, as he says he "grew to love me". During that time we had more children and I thought life was great and figured that he did too. We went through some hard family issues that caused our family to start to crumble. He went away for a few months and even though we were still married, I cheated on him with an ex. It was just a one night stand and I ended up hurt more than before because now I felt rejected by two people. When my husband returned, I told him of the affair just to get back at him to hurt him for all that he had hurt me with. Our marriage spiraled downhill with me threatening to leave him. We finally made a temporary mends for a couple of months, but then the wounds were re-opened when he got a vasectomy against my wishes. It reminded me that he didn't care what I thought about anything in our marriage. It made me question if he truly did love me. He hardly ever complimented me and typically only told me that he loved me when he left for work...that was pretty much just part of schedule. So again, I was threatening divorce and started coming home late and going out drinking with friends. I made some new friends during that. I started hanging out with my new guy friend and drinking only with him. Before I knew it, I had an affair with him. My husband does not know about this one, but expects that I cheated on him. So now I am sitting at a week after the last affair and my head is running all over the place. First off, since we were both drunk, we didn't (intentionally) use protection. We even talked about if I got pregnant and such. So there is some concern about being pregnant. I welcome another baby as my husband got cut, but I know that it will bring a lot of new things to the table. I have had all kinds of pregnancy symptoms over the past week, but it could be stress and over thinking it (looking for signs). I know I won't know the answer to that question for a few weeks. If I am pregnant, then I obviously have to tell my husband that I cheated, which I don't mind to a degree. I just don't know what will happen afterwards. My fear is to be alone...especially with a new baby. I "made up with" my husband the night that I cheated on him. Basically I did this so that we could have sex and be a cover up for if I got pregnant. He is newly cut and not yet sterile, so there is a slight chance of pregnancy, but he is pretty militant about back up protection. Eitherway, my mind has been swimming lately and I just needed to vent because I don't feel like I have anyone that I know that would listen to all of this drama without thinking poorly of me. Now I am sure some of you will think poorly of me, but that doesn't bother me because I don't know you. Thanks for listening.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

So, your wanting to leave and have been unfaithful, what's keeping you there ? How long ago was your first affair and when was your last? For starters.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

How and why did you compartmentalize, and justify your affairs?


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Things went south on HIS end??

How do you feel about repeatedly breaking YOUR vows?


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

TLDR, but is there sugar in there somewhere? You can’t make lemonade without sugar...


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## hurting and confused 1 (Aug 29, 2019)

I never cheated on him before this last year. 

I have been kind in describing him. The best way I can describe it is like being married to a brick wall. He is without emotion. For instance, when I told him that I wanted to leave him, his response was "Well, that is unfortunate." Over our 17 years of marriage, he has complimented me maybe 10 times and most of that was because I nagged him about never complimenting me or that he was just horny, so he was calling me sexy to get me to have sex with him. Random guys have complimented me more than him. 

The reason why I am still with him is because we have kids together and I don't want them to go through their parents divorcing. Plus, deep down I still love him. I knew that he wasn't perfect when we got married, but I hoped that things would get better. Also, I have a major fear of being alone. I have never been alone and I can't imagine trying to raise kids without someone there to help me.


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## hurting and confused 1 (Aug 29, 2019)

I understand that I am not necessarily going to get a pat on the back and a poor you from most of you. But I am looking for constructive advice, not just criticism. Thanks


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## hurting and confused 1 (Aug 29, 2019)

CharlieParker said:


> TLDR, but is there sugar in there somewhere? You can’t make lemonade without sugar...


I really like the way that you think. Your reply made me smile and I appreciate that. Yes, there is some sugar in our marriage. We have beautiful kids together that we could not have made without the other. And deep down I do love him as he was my first and only true love. 
And on a completely vain side, he is very handsome and a good time in the sack. He is the only guy that has ever satisfied me sexually. I am finding that having sex is not what is the most important thing about being intimate.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

hurting and confused 1 said:


> Also, I have a major fear of being alone. I have never been alone and I can't imagine trying to raise kids without someone there to help me.


Generally speaking some of the greatest relationships involve two people that are fully capable of being independent and choose to stay together because they enjoy sharing their happiness with one another. 

I would advise you to confront this fear. Stay married if you want while working out the idea of being a happy person all on your own. Once you reach that point, ask yourself if you still want to stay married.


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## hurting and confused 1 (Aug 29, 2019)

personofinterest said:


> Things went south on HIS end??
> 
> How do you feel about repeatedly breaking YOUR vows?


I left out a lot of details concerning him. Here is one thing that I didn't add in reference to going south- When talking about him getting cut (prior to him getting cut), he said that he wished that we didn't have so many kids and that he should have gotten cut long ago. 
When he started saying that, it really made me love him less. My kids are my world and they are the only thing that have kept me with him over the past few months. 

Our vows were not vows of love and commitment, they were vows to bow to social pressure to keep him from looking like the prick that he was. 

Here is another peek into my husband and how he treated me. Before we were married, my parents took him and me out to eat. I was obviously pregnant, but we hadn't gotten back together. Right there in front of all of us, he got the waitresses phone number. Which was extra embarrassing for me because I went to school with her. 

During our marriage he has told others that while we were dating (and I use that term loosely because the two years prior to marriage, we only dated maybe 6 months split between two times...the rest of the time we were friends with benefits) that I just kept coming around and he couldn't get me to leave. 

So don't think that he has been perfect.


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## hurting and confused 1 (Aug 29, 2019)

badsanta said:


> Generally speaking some of the greatest relationships involve two people that are fully capable of being independent and choose to stay together because they enjoy sharing their happiness with one another.
> 
> I would advise you to confront this fear. Stay married if you want while working out the idea of being a happy person all on your own. Once you reach that point, ask yourself if you still want to stay married.


 Thank you for this very sound advice.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

You should never stay in a marriage, for the sake of the kids. Resentment is why, and that's the reason why you were able to compartmentalize your cheating. That have a name for what you are doing. Cake eater, want the marriage but is willing to break their VOW's. For the kibble's of emotional support, you should have ended the so called marriage. What you have done, can never be justified to fill the gap your spouse neglected.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

hurting and confused 1 said:


> badsanta said:
> 
> 
> > Generally speaking some of the greatest relationships involve two people that are fully capable of being independent and choose to stay together because they enjoy sharing their happiness with one another.
> ...


This doesn't mean you can have a affair. It means knowing both are individual people. Have to work with each other despite your differences. And if not be able to leave. Each other.

Now you have a duty to inform your husband that you betrayed him. Because he fell short of making you happy.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

So if I am reading between the numerous lines here, because you weren't feeling the warm fuzzies during your vows, those vows don't count. And because he has flaws, that makes adultery OK for you. I really am not sure I would classify your 1st indiscretion as an affair if your husband had left you. Surely he didn't expect you to be faithful to him if he left you. It sounds like he has serious issues. However, part of being an adult is learning not to blame your bed behavior on someone else's bed behavior. You cannot change him. What steps can you do to change you and to maintain integrity regard less of what he does?


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

I'm in agreement that you need sugar, and there's no sugar in your relationship. I'm wondering things like, how many kids do you already have, maybe your husband is the responsible one getting snipped since neither of you seem to be long-term relationship material, and then you go out and get drunk with a guy and maybe pregnant, and to hide it you go home and have sex with your husband???!!! What happens a few years down the road when he suspects something and has DNA testing done? Did you even give a second's thought to how the kid might be damaged by all that?

Some people do grow and become better people as they get older. It's possible your husband may have been on that path. Maybe. But there's not a whole lot of evidence you are.

You need to come clean about that second affair and let it hit the fan. You'll find out what type of person he is, and how he really feels about living with the type of person you are. Can't believe I'm saying something this harsh.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

hurting and confused 1 said:


> personofinterest said:
> 
> 
> > Things went south on HIS end??
> ...


Then your parents also have a piece of the pie here. You and them went ahead so your parents could save face. 

Wow, it's is a tragedy in waiting and begging to happen. 
It seems both of you have learned so little in your life together. And if he can not be brave enough then time has come for you to step up to the plate. And call it what it should have never been. Over!!


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## hurting and confused 1 (Aug 29, 2019)

Casual Observer said:


> I'm in agreement that you need sugar, and there's no sugar in your relationship. I'm wondering things like, how many kids do you already have, maybe your husband is the responsible one getting snipped since neither of you seem to be long-term relationship material, and then you go out and get drunk with a guy and maybe pregnant, and to hide it you go home and have sex with your husband???!!! What happens a few years down the road when he suspects something and has DNA testing done? Did you even give a second's thought to how the kid might be damaged by all that?
> 
> Some people do grow and become better people as they get older. It's possible your husband may have been on that path. Maybe. But there's not a whole lot of evidence you are.
> 
> You need to come clean about that second affair and let it hit the fan. You'll find out what type of person he is, and how he really feels about living with the type of person you are. Can't believe I'm saying something this harsh.


You are welcome to think that my husband is husband of the year and father of the year, but he isn't. Most people that know him will admit that he can be a major ****. He is often called rude and errogant. 

The only reason why I have not told him about the second affair is to protect him. Even though he doesn't show his feelings, he reassures me that he has them. I will likely tell my husband about the second affair once it is determined if I am pregnant. If I am pregnant, I will have a DNA test done once the baby is born. 

In regards to finances, I am the responsible one and he is the one that blows the money on things that we don't need. I have a job and put every dime of the money that I earn to help pay the bills. We are not in a financial strain to where we can not afford more children. That has nothing to do with his decision to get cut. However, during conversations about him getting cut, he did say that if he cheated on me that he wouldn't want to get her pregnant. So that is one of the reason's why he wanted cut.


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## hurting and confused 1 (Aug 29, 2019)

Tilted 1 said:


> Then your parents also have a piece of the pie here. You and them went ahead so your parents could save face.
> 
> Wow, it's is a tragedy in waiting and begging to happen.
> It seems both of you have learned so little in your life together. And if he can not be brave enough then time has come for you to step up to the plate. And call it what it should have never been. Over!!


Yes, I have often questioned if our marriage should have never been given that it didn't start out of love. 

P.S. It wasn't my parents that were forcing us to get married. My parents actually hated him for years (and still do in some ways). It was his parents that were encouraging him to marry me. 

BTW...this is how he proposed....after not seeing him in months, he comes to my house and says, "I think that we should get married. It is the right thing to do." When he went to leave, I went to give him a hug and he said, "I don't think we are ready for that." I am thinking, dude we were screwing 8 months ago and now you can't even hug me!


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

hurting and confused 1 said:


> Tilted 1 said:
> 
> 
> > Then your parents also have a piece of the pie here. You and them went ahead so your parents could save face.
> ...


Yes, that wins no awards, regardless there was adoption. No love no marriage.


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## hurting and confused 1 (Aug 29, 2019)

Tilted 1 said:


> So, your wanting to leave and have been unfaithful, what's keeping you there ? How long ago was your first affair and when was your last? For starters.


The first was the end of last year and the last was a week ago.


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## hurting and confused 1 (Aug 29, 2019)

Tilted 1 said:


> Yes, that wins no awards, regardless there was adoption. No love no marriage.


I had planned to keep the baby no matter what happened with us before marriage. He was the one that was wanting abortion, once he finally couldn't deny that I was pregnant anymore. When he realized that it wasn't an option for me, he kicked me out of his life until guilt and social pressure caused him to suggest marriage.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

How many children do you have? How old are y'all now? Sounds like a bit of a mess--all round.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Hurting, 

"The only reason why I have not told him about the second affair is to protect him. Even though he doesn't show his feelings, he reassures me that he has them. I will likely tell my husband about the second affair once it is determined if I am pregnant. If I am pregnant, I will have a DNA test done once the baby is born" 

This is called deception. You can't put lipstick on a pig, and call it something else. You can not call this protection.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

I would never suggest an abortion. As l see this story unfolding you say you were strong enough to keep the child , but not strong enough to end your example of marriage.


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## hurting and confused 1 (Aug 29, 2019)

Tilted 1 said:


> Hurting,
> 
> "The only reason why I have not told him about the second affair is to protect him. Even though he doesn't show his feelings, he reassures me that he has them. I will likely tell my husband about the second affair once it is determined if I am pregnant. If I am pregnant, I will have a DNA test done once the baby is born"
> 
> This is called deception. You can't put lipstick on a pig, and call it something else. You can not call this protection.


I understand that. With the first affair, I told him promptly but it was out of anger towards him and wanting to hurt him. 

With the last affair, I hit rock bottom. I did play make up with him as a cover up, but that reminded me of how good it felt to not be in strife, so I don't want to go back to the hell that we had been in for months prior. So with that being said, I don't want to hurt him by telling him about the second affair. But with the first affair I had told him that I was only telling him to hurt him and he actually said that he preferred to know as apposed to it being hid from him, so telling him is probably best. But if he really does feel emotion like he says that he does, then I don't want to hurt him again. It is all very complicated. 

I also should clarify, that he knew that I was having an affair (seeing someone else), but he didn't know that I had sex with him. I did not hide it from him that I was going out with another guy.


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## hurting and confused 1 (Aug 29, 2019)

Tilted 1 said:


> I would never suggest an abortion. As l see this story unfolding you say you were strong enough to keep the child , but not strong enough to end your example of marriage.


Again, it is all out of fear.


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## hurting and confused 1 (Aug 29, 2019)

sunsetmist said:


> How many children do you have? How old are y'all now? Sounds like a bit of a mess--all round.


I am in my mid 30s and he is in his early 40s. We 5 kids ranging from teenagers to 7 years old.


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## hurting and confused 1 (Aug 29, 2019)

personofinterest said:


> So if I am reading between the numerous lines here, because you weren't feeling the warm fuzzies during your vows, those vows don't count. And because he has flaws, that makes adultery OK for you. I really am not sure I would classify your 1st indiscretion as an affair if your husband had left you. Surely he didn't expect you to be faithful to him if he left you. It sounds like he has serious issues. However, part of being an adult is learning not to blame your bed behavior on someone else's bed behavior. You cannot change him. What steps can you do to change you and to maintain integrity regard less of what he does?


I must clarify that I am not trying to justify either affair or even me leaving my husband. I know that I should have been faithful no matter what.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

I have no idea why you think it is love what you feel for your husband. He has been pretty much a total prick. 

Have you had any type of counseling? You need it in Ernest!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

hurting and confused 1 said:


> I never cheated on him before this last year.
> 
> I have been kind in describing him. The best way I can describe it is like being married to a brick wall. He is without emotion. For instance, when I told him that I wanted to leave him, his response was "Well, that is unfortunate." Over our 17 years of marriage, he has complimented me maybe 10 times and most of that was because I nagged him about never complimenting me or that he was just horny, so he was calling me sexy to get me to have sex with him. Random guys have complimented me more than him.
> 
> The reason why I am still with him is because we have kids together and I don't want them to go through their parents divorcing. Plus, deep down I still love him. I knew that he wasn't perfect when we got married, but I hoped that things would get better. Also, I have a major fear of being alone. I have never been alone and I can't imagine trying to raise kids without someone there to help me.


Yikes. You married a man who you describe as being without emotion and, here's the shocker, after nearly 20 years together you express shock that he is _gasp!_ without emotion!

That's probably not correct. He has emotions, maybe you can't recognise them.

And you were not "kind" in describing him. 

Own your mistakes. You have cheated twice, so you have to deal with the fact that you are a cheater. 

Is your husband on the ASD spectrum? And that's not a slam against your husband, just pointing out if he is, you need to treat him differently, perhaps?

I think marriage counselling would be of potential benefit.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You sound like someone who just reacts to life, someone that life happens to.

You have done the most hurtful thing a spouse can do - being unfaithful. It sounds like it, too, just 'happened.' And now you might be pregnant, so you need constructive advice.

First, stop cheating. You say your recent affair is over, but you need to ensure that there are no more.

Second, get yourself into counseling.

Third, confess your affair to your husband. He deserves the truth.

Fourth, get tested for STD's.

You need to start taking responsibility for your own actions. Not everything just happens - your choices make them happen.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

You are going to be challenged here, as you have no doubt already experienced. But ... nobody gets to be cruel. That's the way it works, just so you know.

I call'em as I see'em, and based upon what little you have shared thus far, I don't see a path of reconciliation or a mending of fences and forging a new, strong, loving bond between you and your husband. Do you? 

I understand that you believe you love him. I don't think you do. You know him. You know what to expect. He is familiar. He is the father of your kids. He's good in the sack. You haven't described anything particularly loving about him. I think he is simply what you know ... and have known for the entirety of your relationship and sexual experience since being a teenager.

Very rarely are all things at all times horrible. I left my then wife over a decade ago, with a 6 year old and a 2 year old. We pretty much ran out of sugar too. And the pain associated with the thought of staying, outweighed the pain of leaving, dealing with the fallout, and forging a new life. Today, I can easily look back and remember plenty of very, very good times with my ex-wife. But ... they are still outweighed by the very, very, bad times as our marriage withered and died.

Most folks here are going to be hung up on the fact that you chose to sleep with other men. Do with that what you will.

But what you really need to decide is if you intend to remain in a marriage that was NEVER a strong, healthy relationship in the first place. I'd argue that you've never even been in a strong, healthy relationship. As another poster indicated, what you have now is a relationship fueled by bitterness and resentment. Sounds like respect bled out a long time ago, if it was ever present at all, for either of you. That's just not healthy for you, for him, or for your kids.

Stop for a moment and flip the script. If he came to you tomorrow and told you he had multiple affairs, what would your gut tell you to do? Forgive and rebuild? Or tell him to get the hell out, and lawyer up?

Sounds like you can find ways to cope in this marriage. Including looking for connections and validation outside of the marriage. But ... at least be honest with yourself that doing so means you really don't have a marriage in the first place.


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

hurting and confused 1 said:


> * I had an affair with him.* My husband does not know about this one, but expects that I cheated on him. So now I am sitting at a week after the last affair and my head is running all over the place. First off, *since we were both drunk, we didn't (intentionally) use protection*. We even talked about if I got pregnant and such. So there is some concern about being pregnant. I welcome another baby as my husband got cut, but I know that it will bring a lot of new things to the table. I have had all kinds of pregnancy symptoms over the past week, but it could be stress and over thinking it (looking for signs). I know I won't know the answer to that question for a few weeks. If I am pregnant, then I obviously have to tell my husband that I cheated, which I don't mind to a degree. I just don't know what will happen afterwards. My fear is to be alone...especially with a new baby.* I "made up with" my husband the night that I cheated on him. Basically I did this so that we could have sex and be a cover up for if I got pregnant.* He is newly cut and not yet sterile, so there is a slight chance of pregnancy, but he is pretty militant about back up protection. Eitherway, my mind has been swimming lately and I just needed to vent because I don't feel like I have anyone that I know that would listen to all of this drama without thinking poorly of me. Now I am sure some of you will think poorly of me, but that doesn't bother me because I don't know you. Thanks for listening.


So you cheated.

You didn't use protection.

You had sex with your husband the same day you sex with AP.
You used sex with the intention to trap your husband into believing he got you pregnant.
You exposed him to potentially what ever diseases your AP gave to you.

You want out, but lack the fortitude to go through with the leaving.

You are mad at your husband because he got cut. 

You are mad that you will no longer be able to have kids with your husband, so you also plan to slip a potential pregnancy in on him before his sterilization is complete.

The soul crusher move here though is you had unprotected sex with your AP and *then* had sex with your husband (AP's residue still inside you). Definitely a shock and awe attack. 

I assume that you haven't told him yet to "protect his feelings"? I haven't read all the replies yet.

Did I miss anything?

A. Find a counselor for you. You have some deep seated anger that you need to work out otherwise that anger will consume you.
B. Work with the counselor to find out why you chose to have several affairs instead of leaving your marriage.
C. You will need to tell your husband - You both need to be disease checked. It *IS* a matter of health.

Ninja edit.
After reading through responses:
1) You husband is quite the tool. (MattMatt had a good point about him being ASD spectrum)
2) Staying because of kids is *absolutely * the wrong reason to stay.
3) Everything else above still applies (especially the anger issue). But there is a bit of understanding.
4) You had choices. Affair is always the wrong. You nuked everything from orbit by what you did with the second affair.
5) Ask yourself, did you have this affair to ensure he would now leave? There is a cost to that, something to be worked out with a counselor.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

It is never too late to grow up and enjoy relationships in a healthy way.

Your marriage was terrible. No respect, no love. No wonder it is toast. Your affairs finished putting in the last nails on that coffin. Divorce and be fair in the custody fight. Seek counceling please!

There is no fixing what started broken in the first place!!!!!


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

hurting and confused 1 said:


> I understand that I am not necessarily going to get a pat on the back and a poor you from most of you. But I am looking for constructive advice, not just criticism. Thanks


Honestly, I just say, grow up, and divorce him and move on. 

Not saying it is easy, and neither of you are any kind of prize, but to think that this ends with everyone happy is just kind of silly...


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Get tested for pregnancy

Get tested for STIs

Consider your options about the pregnancy (if positive test), up to an including termination (if it does not violate your beliefs.)

Don't ever again sleep with another man besides your husband - especially on the same day. Very damaging thing to do to a man. And to yourself.

Consider marriage counseling and divorce too.

Stop being destructive.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

The saying goes "when life gives you lemons make lemonade". Somehow you misconstrued that and made an atom bomb with the lemons. 
Do yourself and him a favor and get divorced. There really is no other option unless you want a metric ****-ton of misery for the rest of your life. After you get divorced go sow your oats so you won't have the "what am I missing?" thing to worry about or use as an excuse any longer. You should also see an IC and get your head straightened out as to why you justify this stuff, for your self, or you will just repeat the cycle.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

hurting and confused 1 said:


> I must clarify that I am not trying to justify either affair or even me leaving my husband. I know that I should have been faithful no matter what.
> 
> 
> but then the wounds were re-opened when he got a vasectomy against my wishes. It reminded me that he didn't care


Hurt, yes a time has come for you, to come clean. NOT FOR YOUR HUSBAND FOR YOURSELF! And deal with the new way of life for yourself, everyone has these feelings lost and loneliness. Do it for yourself. Be a adult and face the unknown.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

hurting and confused 1 said:


> You are welcome to think that my husband is husband of the year and father of the year, but he isn't. Most people that know him will admit that he can be a major ****. He is often called rude and errogant.
> 
> The only reason why I have not told him about the second affair is to protect him. Even though he doesn't show his feelings, he reassures me that he has them. I will likely tell my husband about the second affair once it is determined if I am pregnant. If I am pregnant, I will have a DNA test done once the baby is born.
> 
> In regards to finances, I am the responsible one and he is the one that blows the money on things that we don't need. I have a job and put every dime of the money that I earn to help pay the bills. We are not in a financial strain to where we can not afford more children. That has nothing to do with his decision to get cut. However, during conversations about him getting cut, he did say that if he cheated on me that he wouldn't want to get her pregnant. So that is one of the reason's why he wanted cut.


Nowhere did I say is was husband or father of the year. Just that perhaps there's a shred of common sense, perhaps an epiphany, when he realized that having more kids was not the answer to anything, and perhaps even, in support of your view of him, that he's not adequate father material and took a responsible action to make sure he didn't screw up the world any worse than he already has.

But as I reflect back upon that recent affair, I cannot get away from the fact that you had sex with the other man, and then later had sex with your husband. You subjected him directly to whatever STDs that guy might be carrying. What you did was infinitely more dangerous than had you had sex with your husband a few days later, because STDs, for the most part, have to incubate to become contagious. But you put your husband into an involuntary threesome with a guy not using a condom. 

If your recent affair partner had AIDS, it wouldn't show up in current testing. And you wouldn't have put your husband at risk, had you waited a few days. But now, he might be at the same level of risk as if he'd had sex with the guy himself. Did you know that, if you were to tell your husband about it immediately and he sought treatment, he could greatly minimize his possiblity of getting AIDs?

It's one thing to roll the dice for yourself. But it's another to roll the dice for your husband.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Quote:
Originally Posted by hurting and confused :


> ... but then the wounds were re-opened when he got a vasectomy against my wishes.


 His body, his choice. 

Or does that only work for women?





.


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

hurting and confused 1 said:


> I never cheated on him before this last year.
> 
> I have been kind in describing him. The best way I can describe it is like being married to a brick wall. He is without emotion. For instance, when I told him that I wanted to leave him, his response was "Well, that is unfortunate." Over our 17 years of marriage, he has complimented me maybe 10 times and most of that was because I nagged him about never complimenting me or that he was just horny, so he was calling me sexy to get me to have sex with him. Random guys have complimented me more than him.
> 
> The reason why I am still with him is because we have kids together and I don't want them to go through their parents divorcing. Plus, deep down I still love him. I knew that *he wasn't perfect when we got married, but I hoped that things would get better.* Also, I have a major fear of being alone. I have never been alone and I can't imagine trying to raise kids without someone there to help me.


Fatal flaw.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Don't blame him for your actions. It may sound good to you to say "he didn't meet my needs so I cheated but I still love him." No. This is one hundred percent on you so own it.


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