# WS said this to me.....



## Lovingwife315 (Dec 10, 2012)

I was just hoping to get your opinions on this. During one of our talks about feelings, I said that although he said he is leaving for the benifit of his family and I said that I felt he was being selfish.

He said "Im sorry you feel Im selfish. THere are reasons that you could never understand and I am sorry. I know leaving you was very unfair. I want to live my life with some sort of meaning and self worth."

What the hell does that mean....

If you need some backround...together 18 years, married 12, 3 children, he started a EA Feb 2012, I found out July 2012, when he gave me the ILYBINILWY speech. He and I never stopped being Intimate we have always been very HD together. Aug 2012 started MC, Sept 2012 kicked him out after I found out the relationship was still going on and then it became PA. Took H back in Oct to benefit out children etc.....planned on seperation (him moving out in Jan) Never stopped sleeping together until after he moved out. OW still involved but they only get together 1 time a month.....

I am in IC, and have finally stopped sleeping with my WS, finally stopped calling him, texting him....only respond to him if it is money or kid related. I have taken care of him emotionally and physically for 18 years.....disengaging is difficult


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

".....disengaging is difficult."

yes.

Without knowing you 2 - it looks like he is saying that he feels better about himself without you. I dont know if thats a backhanded way of blaming you but yeah...looks like that too - implying that you are somehow responsible for his lack of self worth etc.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Lovingwife315 said:


> I was just hoping to get your opinions on this. During one of our talks about feelings, I said that although he said he is leaving for the benifit of his family and I said that I felt he was being selfish.
> 
> He said "Im sorry you feel Im selfish. THere are reasons that you could never understand and I am sorry. I know leaving you was very unfair. I want to live my life with some sort of meaning and self worth."
> 
> ...


What that means is that he wants to do whatever he wants to do and does not want to have any responsibilities stand in his way.

aka... he's acting selfishly and could care less who he hurts, what promisses he made or what responsibilities he has.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Lovingwife315 said:


> I was just hoping to get your opinions on this. During one of our talks about feelings, I said that although he said he is leaving for the benifit of his family and I said that I felt he was being selfish.
> 
> He said *"Im sorry you feel Im selfish. THere are reasons that you could never understand and I am sorry. I know leaving you was very unfair. I want to live my life with some sort of meaning and self worth."*
> 
> ...


Disengaging is VERY hard, but so worthwhile. Keep at it. You'll feel stronger everyday you do.

And to address your question (the bolded statement). He's dismissing his own action (him saying YOU feel he was selfish, not that he actually was) and he the last part is that he likes his life now (because he's selfish) and doesn't want to take responsibility for his actions.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Actually, what hesaid is funny. He has an overblown sense of self. I can't believe he would have said that in front of a man.
To interpret what he said, replace his words with blah, blah blah, etc. 

If you are truly HD and still take care of yourself, you will be able to find a really good man.

If he says crap like that, he has done you a favor by leaving. Beware of verbose fellows who say nothing.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

One thing I've noted in my admittedly short time on these forums is that one thing continues to crop up in these cases of infidelity.

The new woman/man has something in common with the WS which the other spouse DOESN'T. It was true in my case.

Sometimes it's working together, or a hobby or even a value that they share that the other spouse doesn't (my wife hated my hobby and b*tched about it constantly.)

So maybe it is a small reflection on that.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

Mine said 'I think there's more to life than this'

Which apparently means having to work 14hrs a day, 7 days a week in order to make ends meet

Thumbs up d*ckhead! 

What they mean is 'I want to do what I want without any responsibility weighing me down man!'
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

Lovingwife315 said:


> I was just hoping to get your opinions on this. During one of our talks about feelings, I said that although he said he is leaving for the benifit of his family and I said that I felt he was being selfish.
> 
> He said "Im sorry you feel Im selfish. THere are reasons that you could never understand and I am sorry. I know leaving you was very unfair. I want to live my life with some sort of meaning and self worth."
> 
> ...



18 yrs and M 12 , exactly the same as us. And you kept sleeping together gee that must have made it hard.

Anyway , I think he meant he was unsatisfied and probably frustrated with how his life had turned out , he wanted more for himself.
It could be in work, the way he lives or the whole box and dice.
It's really common in men in particular I've noticed to turn around one day and it just isn't the way they'd hoped.
Personally I don't really believe in mid life's myself , really I think that's just a handy label.
I think it's more so people just looking around at what they've become and not so impressed they wanna make some changes or go for it while they still can.

But didn't you talk to him about what he meant ?


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## Cobre (Feb 24, 2013)

That is sad and very selfish.


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

Yeah, it sounds to me like he's one lost mofo.

He's not satisfied with his surroundings, yet still feels the right
to take full advantage of the situation to his own benefit, with no
regard to your feelings.

What he said makes no logical sense and is nothing but babble.
My advice to you? Try not to pay attention to it. Trust none of it.

This poor SOB won't come around until you've already moved on
and when he does, he'll be sorry he threw everything away.

Make it his loss.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

He means he wants to be free to have a relationship with the OW
Its A fog bull**** sorry!


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## TOMTEFAR (Feb 23, 2013)

If he was a real man he would talk to you about why he feels like he do. 

Have you put your foot down? Is he dominant in your M? I think he is basically a prick and does what he does because he gets away with it.


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## Lovingwife315 (Dec 10, 2012)

Thanks for all your responses.

Honestly I was so hurt that he didn't feel being a husband and father was meaningful enough that I left it at that. We have been living apart since Jan 2 now and I am in IC. Dealing with the realization that our MC may be right and that H us Borderline Personality disorder....dealing with the fact that I am so his emotional caretaker even now that he SAYS he wants to be single and such, he still turns to me for emotional stuff and also seems to have the talent to reel me in just when I am making progress detaching. If we did not have children together it might be easier. .This man will ALWAYS be in my life and I will never able to detox from him with being in his orbit, or him in mine. He says he is happy being being alone, living alone but he can't go 3 days without texting or talking to me, and the most we have gone without being drawn to each other intimatly is 11 days......(just being honest here)

This is 18 years of living with this man not easy to let go, especially when his actions don't fit his words.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

Lovingwife315 said:


> actions don't fit his words.


Keep this at the fore, and stop listening to him.

about this:




> He said "Im sorry you feel Im selfish.


This is the "I'm sorry you're so lame" non-apology, worse than not apologizing at all. 

You cannot apologize for what someone else does or feels. So why do they do this? He's blaming you for your feelings. Your feelings are wrong.

I loathe deception. This is one where they are blaming the victim but using the words "I'm sorry" to conceal their insult, as if it was an apology or empathy.


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