# Husband is always sick



## runner2000 (Jan 27, 2018)

Hi everyone.

I'm new here, so I apologize if I am posting this topic in the incorrect place. I need a place to vent as well as maybe some advice on what to do regarding my husband. I am 36 and my husband is 45. We have been together for a total of almost 18 years (no kids). My husband has had a number of ongoing health issues for quite a few years now, but they have only been getting progressively worse over the past 4 years or so. My husband is a type 2 diabetic (which is totally uncontrolled) and has hypertension, elevated cholesterol, as well as several other health issues. In 2006, he experienced his very first bout of acute pancreatitis, which was determined to have been caused by extremely elevated triglycerides. After his initial episode of this in 2006, he would go on to experience about 1 or 2 flare-ups of pancreatitis per year, all triggered by his high triglycerides. It would usually require a few days of being hospitalized for IV fluids, pain medications, etc. He would then recover and go about life as normal. In June of 2013, he suddenly became very ill. He was having extreme abdominal pain, which was even worse than his typical pancreatitis flares. He was unable to keep any food or fluids down and was rapidly losing weight. He ended up spending that entire summer in and out of the hospital and even ended up having to be sent to another hospital 2 hours away from where we live for a higher level of expertise. It was discovered that he had a large cyst on his pancreas that had burst, causing bacteria to leak into his body and blood stream, causing him to be extremely septic. He required a feeding tube and underwent several endoscopic procedures throughout the course of that summer, where it was also discovered that he had stones that were causing an obstruction in his bile duct. They kept removing them and stenting his bile duct, but the stones just kept re-accumulating. Finally, after about 4 months of dealing with this, he began to recover and was able to go back to work in early October of 2013. 

Then, in February of 2014, he fell on the ice and severely tore his rotator cuff and ruptured his biceps muscle. It was a long wait for him to get into surgery, which was finally done in April of 2014. He was out of work from the time he fell until June of 2014, so about another 4 months (thank goodness for short-term disability, although it was much less than he makes when he is working). I should also mention that while he was waiting to have his shoulder surgery, he experienced another bout of pancreatitis as well as a small bowel obstruction, which required a few days in the hospital as well. In December of 2015, he went into the hospital for what we thought were gallbladder issues and it was incidentally found that he had some abnormalities on his EKG. He then had a stress test, which was very abnormal. They took him to the cardiac cath lab, where they found 2 severely blocked arteries. They were so severely occluded that he ended up having double bypass open-heart surgery a few days later. A little over a month after the bypass surgery, he had to have his gallbladder emergently removed. After his gallbladder was removed, he started having severe back and neck pain, which came totally out of nowhere as he had never had back pain before. He tried to deal with it for a while, but it became too severe and he had an MRI in the spring of 2016, which revealed that he had a 2 herniated discs as well as spinal canal stenosis. He started seeing a pain specialist and kept going back for injections on a regular basis, none of which helped him for more than a few days at the most. He has been on chronic pain medications since then, but they have only provided very little relief. He finally saw a neurosurgeon a couple of months ago, who thinks he would be an ideal candidate for a spinal stimulator implant, which we are waiting to hear back on. Oh, did I also mention that he was hospitalized again this past August for chest pain and had to have another cardiac cath??? 

This entire time, my husband has been MISERABLE to be around. He is constantly grumpy, tired, never wants to do anything, constantly complains, and wants to spend just about every minute when he's not at work in bed. We hardly ever see each other anymore since he's in bed very shortly after coming home from work in the evening. I work from home full-time, so I am always here and I am almost ALWAYS alone. He never even tries to spend time with me anymore and hasn't for a good 2 years now. He has also had an endless array of other health issues in recent months. He was in the ER twice last month within a 2-week period. On the first ER visit, he went in for severe gastrointestinal upset and he was diagnosed with diverticulitis. On the second visit not even 2 weeks later, he went in for chest pain and was told that it was a flare of his angina. This past week, he started urinating blood and was diagnosed with a UTI and possible kidney stone. On top of all of this, HE IS A SMOKER!!!! I personally am not a smoker (never have been) and I have been trying to get him to quit for YEARS, especially after his open-heart surgery, but he still continued to smoke. He actually lied to me and told me that he had quit after his heart surgery and I believed him for several months until I caught him smoking in the basement with the bulkhead door open so that the smoke would go outside. He knows better. He worked as a paramedic and a nurse for many years and I also work in healthcare. He is now on Chantix and is on day 3 without smoking, so fingers crossed, but I am just DRAINED and so incredibly frustrated. His endless health issues have completely taken over our lives for years now. Whenever I try to confront him about how much time he spends in bed and how we never spend any time together anymore, he gets incredibly defensive and even verbally attacks me. Tonight we got into a huge screaming match over it when he decided he was going to go to bed at 7:15 pm on a Friday night, meaning I would once again be sitting here all alone all night, and I vented my frustrations to him. He even accused me of not being sympathetic, which is COMPLETELY untrue. I have been by his side through all of these health issues for YEARS and worried myself sick when he had his open-heart surgery and when he was so sick the entire summer of 2013. I was right there taking care of him. I'm just at the point where I'm saying ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!!! The main reason I am so frustrated is because he is not doing one damn thing to try and help himself and improve his health and just expects the doctors to magically fix him. He never exercises, he is severely overweight, his diet is, for the most part, total crap, and he has continued smoking cigarettes this entire time. He has no excuse not to exercise. We have a beautiful treadmill, elliptical, stationary bike, and Bowflex home gym right in our basement. There is even a gorgeous gym at his work overlooking the ocean, which is free for employees! I have told him (as has his doctor) that being completely stationary is only going to make his back pain worse and that he really needs to get up and get moving. However, it always turns into a huge fight whenever I try to talk to him and express my feelings and frustrations in a completely calm, non-confrontational, non-accusatory manner. He just immediately gets so defensive and ends up becoming so verbally abusive towards me whenever I even bring it up and tries to place blame on me instead of accepting responsibility for taking care of himself. Just last week, I suggested that maybe it would be fun if we both went to the gym together, but all he did was come up with excuse after excuse as to why we can't go to the gym. Tonight, he even starting throwing things all over the house, called me horrible names, threw insults at me, and had a full-blown child-like tantrum when I tried to talk to him because I was upset that he was going to bed at 7:15 on a Friday night. I feel like he just wants an excuse to be totally lazy and maybe is even seeking attention and sympathy. Our very close friend thinks that he has become a hypochondriac because of his nonstop complaining of not feeling well and having so many different ailments. I swear, he's at the doctor's office twice a month. Our friend and I also think that he has developed a dependency to pain medications since he has been on them for so long. His doctor recently took him off oxycodone and put him on methadone, which was a complete train wreck. These nonstop health issues have been one thing right after another for several years now and I have reached my breaking point and am having a very hard time being sympathetic anymore. I am a young, active, motivated individual and I want to do things and have a life with my husband, but he has turned into a complete slug. If he goes to the store to pick up a gallon of milk, he acts like he ran 10 marathons back-to-back and then he needs a nap. I feel like he loves his bed more than he loves me.

Has anyone else been through something like this with their spouse/significant other? If so, how did you handle it? Some nights I just sit alone and cry out of sheer frustration. I have also started to feel a great deal of resentment. I love my husband to death, but I just can't keep going on like this. I am very, very unhappy. We haven't had a life in years because of his never ending health issues. 

Sorry that this was a bit lengthy, but after our huge argument tonight, I needed a place to vent.


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## Rhubarb (Dec 1, 2017)

Bummer....... Well you might have to get tough with him and threaten to leave to get him off his ass. Sometimes it takes a shock to the system to get moving. I was never a "slug". I was maybe 20 pounds overweight at worst . However when I found out my wife was having an affair and was divorced soon after, I quickly stated running and got myself to the gym. Now I'm remarried and my new wife is in great shape and hits the gym often. She's 9 years younger than me and even though she is 46 she is still quite a looker. Though she has given me zero reason not to trust her, I'm not going to tempt fate. I go to the gym at least 3 times a week myself and have even stated doing squats and dead-lifts with the body builders at the gym (who by the way are actually pretty cool guys) just to push myself a bit. Now I look the best I ever have. I never had a lot of muscle before but now that's changed. 

The point is, he really needs to have a fire lit under his ass to get him going. Once you get into a healthy routine it gets easier. Obviously his heath issues aren't enough to make him change so you will probably have to do something drastic. Of course you may run the risk of losing him. Not every guy reacts to crisis in the same way, but if you want him to change, I think you will have to take that risk.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

It's incredible how many health issues he has. And for you to have supported him all this years is really exemplary. The part that I can relate to is wishing he would take better care of himself, eat better, exercise, etc. My first husband refused to do those things to better himself (he had severe Agoraphobia and ate poorly when I was not around) and I lost all respect for him because it's just not something he wanted to do.

You can't change your husband. You can only change yourself. I am sure many posters will think me cruel, but I would seriously consider leaving your husband. He didn't ask for all of these issues, and I realize he is in a lot of pain, but it is not OK to transfer that pain to you. It's like watching someone you love slowly ingest poison and you can do nothing to stop them. Eventually you mentally and emotionally give up. Sounds like that's where you are. 

If you want anything to change, you must be the one to do it. Otherwise, accept that this is the way things will remain. They'll probably get worse as he ages - I'm talking about both his health and his attitude.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Wow holy cow wow!!!


Thats a lot of health issues! Hope you have life insurance on him!

You could ask him to go to marriage counseling. Tell him that if he don't then you feel hes selfish for not trying to better your marriage. That his abusive outbursts are ruining the marriage. And that for him to be abusive to you in any way is not acceptable.that you don't scream in the face to the person who you love and takes care of you! That everybodyhas a breaking point and you feeling that your close to yours. That if he don't start taking care of himself by starting a healthy diet,getting off pain meds ,exercising etc the your ending the marriage!



All thoses pain meds are definitely bad! And could be a huge part of the problem.mix with chantx bad. 


Sorry this a a bad place to be in you must be a saint to deal with all this!

I just don't see how anydody could overcome this. Your husband is depressed,addicted,and in such poor health that it must feel usless for him to even try!

What a misserable life he has!


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I feel a lot of sympathy for you but also for him as it must be awful to have so many health issues. My husband is 60 and has type 2 diabetes which is in his family, but unlike your husband he isn't overweight and eats healthily and exercises. He also has high cholesterol and had very high triglicerides, and the consultant told him to loose weight despite him not being fat, and he has lost 21 lbs already.His cholesterol has come down as he is on statins, and his triglicerides have also come down after just 21 lbs of lost weight. 
Presumably he has also been told off about his unhealthy lifestyle? 
The thing is that in he end its his choice to kill himself slowly and if he does nothing that's what will happen. That is what IS happening. The difference is that my husband wants to be fit and healthy so he makes the effort. 

All you can do really is make a life for yourself away from him. Take up hobbies and join clubs sing in a choir(very therapeutic). Go out to see a film with a friend. You need time away from all this to renew you mind and body. Also if he dies young which he will of if he carries on like this, it will be betterif you have a life for yourself.


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## FalCod (Dec 6, 2017)

It sounds less like he is sick and more like he is horribly unhealthy. It's probably scary for him and he's reacting to the fear by hunkering down rather than fighting back. 

Find something that works. I recommend walking with him. There is a huge difference in health between sedentary people and people that go for walks. It's not as good as being a runner/gym rat, but it is a start. Find something like that he'll do and build on it. If this is going to work, it's going to be a long journey.


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## runner2000 (Jan 27, 2018)

Thanks for all of the replies and advice! I feel completely horrible for feeling the way that I do, but his nonstop health issues over the years have taken a huge toll on me and have put me into a state of depression. I am so, so frustrated. I love my husband. I really, really do. I have been with him since I was just 18 years old and I used to never be able to imagine my life without him. Before his health started going into a downward spiral, we had a great relationship and always did many fun things together! I don't want to throw 18 years away, but I just cannot go on like this for much longer. I need to have a life. I agree that he is horribly unhealthy. His mother, who had all of the exact same health issues as him, passed away of a massive stroke 10 years ago right in front of us while we were visiting her. She was also in a wheelchair due to losing a leg as a result of complications from her diabetes. My husband is like her clone. He looks exactly like her and has all of the same health problems she had and I am scared to death that he is heading down the same road as his mother. She was only 66 when she passed away back in April of 2008. My husband is CONSTANTLY complaining of one ailment or another. It's either his stomach hurts and he has diarrhea and/or is throwing up or it's his back/neck pain or it hurts to pee and so on. He even had me look at the bottom of his foot about a week ago because he thought he had discoloration. I took a look at it and I told him it was just a hematoma (blood under the skin) and that he must have hit his foot somehow. He refused to believe it and starting going on and on about how this was how it started with his mother and that he was probably going to lose his leg. I told him again that it was blood and that it was red and that if it were black, that would indicate possible limb ischemia (lack of blood flow) and then I would be concerned, but OMG I had to listen to him for days before he went to the doctor, who then confirmed my diagnosis that it was just a hematoma and she drained the blood from it and he was totally fine. He is just so, so dramatic about his health. I can't take it anymore. I feel like I'm single. I am always alone. When he is not at work, he is usually in bed. Even when he is up, he is usually sitting on his ass at his computer or in front of the TV and he can't even give me the respect to look away from whatever screen he is looking at to look at me when I am talking to him. Lately, I have been thinking about what it would be like if I was with someone else, someone who will do things with me like travel, go camping, go to the gym, watch a movie with me, go for runs with me (I'm an avid runner), go skiing, golfing, or just go on a random road trip somewhere (something my husband and I used to do all the time), etc. I feel SO guilty for thinking that way, but this is the point he has driven me to by completely isolating me and treating me the way that he does. I do EVERYTHING for him. I make doctors appointments for him, call his doctor for him when he's at work whenever he needs something from them, cook his dinner, clean the house, take care of our dogs all by myself, pay the bills. and do many other things for him while he either sits on his ass or lies in bed. I can't stand it anymore!!!!!! I agree that we need marriage counseling, but I don't know how open he would be to that. :frown2:


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Honestly, I would show him this thread.
You've been with him for years.... and yet you can't seem to come out and tell him the truth.
He needs to know exactly how you feel. Maybe give him one final chance to turn his life around before you walk out of it.

What's the worst that could happen? He threatens to divorce.... well there you go.
The best that could happen is, he has a come to Jesus moment and starts to change his life.


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## runner2000 (Jan 27, 2018)

I've actually told him multiple times how I feel, last night being one of them, but it either ends is us having a huge argument/fight or just him being incredibly defensive and shifting the blame onto me. Honestly, I feel that the only way to light a fire under his ass is for me to do something drastic, such as going to stay with my parents for a few days and see what he thinks of that. That is something I've NEVER done before. If things don't at least start to change real soon, I have a feeling it may come to that, which I really, really don't want to have to do, but I also can't keep living this life. It's making me insane.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

runner2000 said:


> Thanks for all of the replies and advice! I feel completely horrible for feeling the way that I do, but his nonstop health issues over the years have taken a huge toll on me and have put me into a state of depression. I am so, so frustrated. I love my husband. I really, really do. I have been with him since I was just 18 years old and I used to never be able to imagine my life without him. Before his health started going into a downward spiral, we had a great relationship and always did many fun things together! I don't want to throw 18 years away, but I just cannot go on like this for much longer. I need to have a life. I agree that he is horribly unhealthy. His mother, who had all of the exact same health issues as him, passed away of a massive stroke 10 years ago right in front of us while we were visiting her. She was also in a wheelchair due to losing a leg as a result of complications from her diabetes. My husband is like her clone. He looks exactly like her and has all of the same health problems she had and I am scared to death that he is heading down the same road as his mother. She was only 66 when she passed away back in April of 2008. My husband is CONSTANTLY complaining of one ailment or another. It's either his stomach hurts and he has diarrhea and/or is throwing up or it's his back/neck pain or it hurts to pee and so on. He even had me look at the bottom of his foot about a week ago because he thought he had discoloration. I took a look at it and I told him it was just a hematoma (blood under the skin) and that he must have hit his foot somehow. He refused to believe it and starting going on and on about how this was how it started with his mother and that he was probably going to lose his leg. I told him again that it was blood and that it was red and that if it were black, that would indicate possible limb ischemia (lack of blood flow) and then I would be concerned, but OMG I had to listen to him for days before he went to the doctor, who then confirmed my diagnosis that it was just a hematoma and she drained the blood from it and he was totally fine. He is just so, so dramatic about his health. I can't take it anymore. I feel like I'm single. I am always alone. When he is not at work, he is usually in bed. Even when he is up, he is usually sitting on his ass at his computer or in front of the TV and he can't even give me the respect to look away from whatever screen he is looking at to look at me when I am talking to him. Lately, I have been thinking about what it would be like if I was with someone else, someone who will do things with me like travel, go camping, go to the gym, watch a movie with me, go for runs with me (I'm an avid runner), go skiing, golfing, or just go on a random road trip somewhere (something my husband and I used to do all the time), etc. I feel SO guilty for thinking that way, but this is the point he has driven me to by completely isolating me and treating me the way that he does. I do EVERYTHING for him. I make doctors appointments for him, call his doctor for him when he's at work whenever he needs something from them, cook his dinner, clean the house, take care of our dogs all by myself, pay the bills. and do many other things for him while he either sits on his ass or lies in bed. I can't stand it anymore!!!!!! I agree that we need marriage counseling, but I don't know how open he would be to that. :frown2:



This is one of those cases where one has to choose between vows and disavowals.

Marriage and divorce.

One man or one man plus another on the side. 

On TAM. the choices are divorce or the whip.

Give him the option, counseling or divorce. 
Lay this painful fact on top of his already tall stack of pain.

You see.......

He is sick, very sick and in pain.
You are not any of these with the exception of having shared mental pain. 

You cannot make his pain go away.
You can make yours....disappear.

Whatever you decide, do so with dignity, with honor.
As much as it would hurt, I would go the divorce route.

You only live once.
Right now you are not living, yet you are not quite dead.


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## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

You are a saint!! I was getting a headache just reading all the issues and problems!! So sorry to hear this.. Please know that you are a great person and I'm sure you do take really good care of him. My spouse has a few problems and it seems like I support him BUT come on there's only so much we can do. When I have a problem (health concern or not) I tend to take care of it myself and if I do tell someone it's not constant ongoing complaining. 

I'm sure it is tiring for your husband and he may feel 'low' or ashamed of all his problems. But it's also important that you get out and have fun too. Don't feel bad. Go with a friend and do something. Your husband may or may not join you at some point. I plan outings with my friends whether it's a dinner and movie or to see theatre or even to play Bingo once in awhile.


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## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

And a trip to Vegas in March!!! : ) That's fine if he doesn't want to do things but he is missing out on life.


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

Definitely unsustainable.......He must change or you must move on to save yourself.


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## runner2000 (Jan 27, 2018)

cc48kel said:


> You are a saint!! I was getting a headache just reading all the issues and problems!! So sorry to hear this.. Please know that you are a great person and I'm sure you do take really good care of him. My spouse has a few problems and it seems like I support him BUT come on there's only so much we can do. When I have a problem (health concern or not) I tend to take care of it myself and if I do tell someone it's not constant ongoing complaining.
> 
> I'm sure it is tiring for your husband and he may feel 'low' or ashamed of all his problems. But it's also important that you get out and have fun too. Don't feel bad. Go with a friend and do something. Your husband may or may not join you at some point. I plan outings with my friends whether it's a dinner and movie or to see theatre or even to play Bingo once in awhile.


Thanks!!! I really do try my best to be there for him and be as supportive and helpful as possible (that's what marriage is about), but all these years of doing this almost nonstop are finally catching up to me and I just can't take it anymore. I want to enjoy life and be happy while I'm still young! It's absolutely exhausting and draining being with someone who never feels well and is constantly complaining or in a foul mood what seems like 90% of the time. I don't even remember the last day where he didn't complain about something! Even when he calls or texts me from work, he's complaining about being tired or in pain or just not feeling well. It's bringing ME down! I swear, I spent the entire past week calling and emailing his doctor for him about his various complaints. My head was spinning by the end of the week. We are actually getting ready to go out to dinner and o a little shopping. All I ask is that we can get through the evening without any complaining or grumpiness! There's only so much a person can take!


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## FalCod (Dec 6, 2017)

You words give me the impression that you've made up your mind to leave him. Are you here for advice on how to help him solve his problems? Or advice on how to end your marriage? Or do you just want people to understand what you are going through so that you won't feel guilty about ending it? I'm not faulting you, but I think you'll get better feedback if you make what you really want clear.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

One constructive thing you can do guilt-free is to DEMAND that he quit smoking. Tell him you are sympathetic to his challenges, but not ones that he willfully creates.

I would draw a line in the sand with that. A true dealbreaker line.


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## runner2000 (Jan 27, 2018)

FalCod said:


> You words give me the impression that you've made up your mind to leave him. Are you here for advice on how to help him solve his problems? Or advice on how to end your marriage? Or do you just want people to understand what you are going through so that you won't feel guilty about ending it? I'm not faulting you, but I think you'll get better feedback if you make what you really want clear.


No, I have not made up my mind. In fact, I said in a previous post that I don't want to throw nearly 18 years away. I thought in my original post that I was pretty clear about why I posted, which is that I just needed a place to vent and was simply asking for advice from people who may have been through similar situations before. The last thing I want is to leave him. I love him, but this situation needs to change.


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## runner2000 (Jan 27, 2018)

alte Dame said:


> One constructive thing you can do guilt-free is to DEMAND that he quit smoking. Tell him you are sympathetic to his challenges, but not ones that he willfully creates.
> 
> I would draw a line in the sand with that. A true dealbreaker line.


I've never really forcefully demanded that he quit, but I have constantly reiterated to him that he absolutely NEEDS to quit. Whenever I do that, he gets defensive and accuses me of nagging him. He is on Chantix now, which he started about a week or so ago, and he cut back drastically and now he is on day 3 or 4 without smoking at all. He actually ordered a huge tub of hard candy off Amazon to help curb his cravings. I'm really hopeful that he can do this.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@runner2000, 

Oh. My. God. I could have almost written your first post verbatim (up to a point)--my Dear Hubby just recently died, and he also had ailment after ailment after ailment for years. It wore me out! The main difference, I think, is that my Dear Hubby actually did try to make changes, follow medical advice, etc. but was just really too ill to do it. For your info, my Dear Hubby had left ventricle diastolic heart failure, chronic fatigue, hypertension, failing kidneys, pre-diabetes, Crohn's disease, asthma, chronic bronchitis, restrictive lung disease, allergies to "everything except porcelain" (that's his doctor's words), etc. Now, my Dear Hubby was very natural and didn't want to take a ton of pills if he could avoid it, so he told all his doctors so and they did the best they could to not just "prescribe" stuff to fix him...and on the occasion I did disagree with the way that he was pursuing his medical issues--but I realized it is his body and his health and thus his decision to make. He was personally responsible, and essentially I just asked that he remember that what he decided would also have an effect on me. 

So yep, I've completely lived your life. My Dear Hubby was too ill to work. He would wake up, get dressed, make breakfast...and that would completely wipe him out for about an hour. Again, the difference is that while my Dear Hubby was resting, he'd sit in his chair right next to me and want to hold hands. After resting he'd be awake enough to play on his computer for a couple hours (he'd write, he had a blog, he'd read the news, he'd write music, etc.) and making lunch would wear him out again. In the afternoon he'd rest for a couple hours while I worked, and then in the evening he'd come in the kitchen with me and chop vegies for dinner while I cooked. After dinner, we'd sit up together, talk for about 15 minutes at a time, watch a show, talk for another 15 minutes, read to each other, play our computer game, and then go to bed. 

We used to travel, and we used to go to the remote parts of our state and look for unknown waterfalls. We'd hike and go to the ocean and camp and go to car shows and concerts, and just generally we were pleasantly active. Once he fell ill, it just kept getting worse and worse until it was just the two of us--he couldn't go anywhere without being absolutely exhausted, including church! So it was very isolated. And even though he was almost 60yo and I was 55yo, I still felt like / feel like I have lots of life left in me! So it was VERY hard to feel like I had the energy in my heart, but not be able to expend it anywhere--including sexually. Dear Hubby wasn't "unable" that way but it was so restricted it was less often and less adventuresome than I prefer, you know? 

Anyway, you know what I did? I didn't yell at him or threaten him or anything. I figured in his shoes, it must feel like his body was betraying him, so why give him more grief? I suspect in his heart he wanted to be well and go do all the things we used to do, and it hurt his heart to really not be able to do it! That doesn't mean I didn't FEEL frustrated or lonely though--I just made the choice not to take it out on him. I did speak to him about it--he was my best friend and very patient with me, so he'd listen and we'd discuss it. So see? For me I had MANY advantages you do not. My Dear Hubby did his best to follow medical advice as long as it was natural, and he would talk to me about things without getting defensive. 

Nonetheless, I don't suspect that yelling at him to "get better" or yelling about how lonely you feel will really help him or you much. He may be just as frustrated that he can't recover and isn't getting better (even though he's not doing the things to assist that process). He may WANT to be more healthy and feel like getting there is overwhelming, like a giant mountain he can never climb! So one thing I would like to encourage you to consider is really against your instinct right now, and that's consider a little compassion. Put yourself in his shoes, not in a way that's "Well if I were in your shoes I'd quit smoking" kind of way, but rather that "If I were only 45yo and my body was falling apart on me, and I couldn't get better, how might I feel" kind of way. I suspect a little empathy might go a long way here. 

Next, I would VERY STRONGLY RECOMMEND that you admit to yourself and maybe some closer family/friends that you are your hubby's CAREGIVER. Let one or two people know how bad it is for you, and what a burden it is to carry it all by yourself. Let a very few, select people in, so that you have some support and encouragement. Pick people who will help you have the emotional strength you need. Also, put your pride aside and get yourself some help. Get a maid once-a-month for a break. Get a lawn guy. Give yourself one night per week that you go out--even if it's something like a women's Bible study--because then you get to have a break from all the illness and also get to have some friendship and connection with others. It doesn't have to be going out to a bar and dancing, you know. Go to a yoga class, which will expend some energy AND you'll get to know the regulars...or go out to coffee with some ladies you met at the class. You get the drift, right? Finally, it would probably be really smart to find an online support group forum for caregivers...like this one: https://www.caring.com/support-groups/caring-for-a-spouse or this one: https://thecaregiverspace.org/forums/

I loved my Dear Hubby right to the moment he died. He loved me too. And rather than spend the last years angry with each other, we both looked at it like we were on one team...and his illness was the other team we were fighting against. That way it wasn't "me against him" but rather "US against the illness." WE figured out how to adjust to his limitations. WE recognized that both of us needed care and TLC (not just him). WE kept acting like we cared about each other and did everything we could to spend time even if it was much quieter time than my feisty nature preferred! LOL I can look back on it and say I think we did okay--and thus I would suggest that you guys see if you can't do the same. Now in the end my Dear Hubby did die, but I don't think he could have stopped it. His body was done, and that wasn't his choice. He would have chosen to get well--so from that point of view, my advice may not be what you want to hear. But while he was alive, and even though he was ill, we loved and we were happy and we were together. In the end, isn't that what you want?


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Why no kids? It would be a nice 'hobby' to get you focused onto something else and also find satisfaction and distraction.
It's a lot of health issues and I feel sorry for both of you. But life is life...


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## runner2000 (Jan 27, 2018)

inmyprime said:


> Why no kids? It would be a nice 'hobby' to get you focused onto something else and also find satisfaction and distraction.
> It's a lot of health issues and I feel sorry for both of you. But life is life...


Neither one of us have ever wanted kids, so that is why. I would never bring kids into this world just simply to have them as a "hobby." I have plenty of hobbies.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

.


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## jkr (Apr 23, 2020)

runner2000 said:


> Hi everyone.
> 
> I'm new here, so I apologize if I am posting this topic in the incorrect place. I need a place to vent as well as maybe some advice on what to do regarding my husband. I am 36 and my husband is 45. We have been together for a total of almost 18 years (no kids). My husband has had a number of ongoing health issues for quite a few years now, but they have only been getting progressively worse over the past 4 years or so. My husband is a type 2 diabetic (which is totally uncontrolled) and has hypertension, elevated cholesterol, as well as several other health issues. In 2006, he experienced his very first bout of acute pancreatitis, which was determined to have been caused by extremely elevated triglycerides. After his initial episode of this in 2006, he would go on to experience about 1 or 2 flare-ups of pancreatitis per year, all triggered by his high triglycerides. It would usually require a few days of being hospitalized for IV fluids, pain medications, etc. He would then recover and go about life as normal. In June of 2013, he suddenly became very ill. He was having extreme abdominal pain, which was even worse than his typical pancreatitis flares. He was unable to keep any food or fluids down and was rapidly losing weight. He ended up spending that entire summer in and out of the hospital and even ended up having to be sent to another hospital 2 hours away from where we live for a higher level of expertise. It was discovered that he had a large cyst on his pancreas that had burst, causing bacteria to leak into his body and blood stream, causing him to be extremely septic. He required a feeding tube and underwent several endoscopic procedures throughout the course of that summer, where it was also discovered that he had stones that were causing an obstruction in his bile duct. They kept removing them and stenting his bile duct, but the stones just kept re-accumulating. Finally, after about 4 months of dealing with this, he began to recover and was able to go back to work in early October of 2013.
> 
> ...


You need to leave his ass. Period. He cannot think that someone would tolerate his behavior indefinitely. Marriage is hard enough when your significant other is ALWAYS sick and that in and of itself could end a marriage for the best of us. But when he he being a jerk on top of it--that is a deal breaker. You are too young to continue being with someone like that. Life is too short. If you leave he might have no choice but to change his lifestyle and get healthy.


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## jkr (Apr 23, 2020)

You need to leave his ass. Period. He cannot think that someone would tolerate his behavior indefinitely. Marriage is hard enough when your significant other is ALWAYS sick and that in and of itself could end a marriage for the best of us. But when he he being a jerk on top of it--that is a deal breaker. You are too young to continue being with someone like that. Life is too short. If you leave he might have no choice but to change his lifestyle and get healthy.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Zombie thread


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