# Sex nightmare



## Bellaballoo (Jul 13, 2017)

I need a sounding board and feedback in a relatively anonymous setting. I was here a few years ago, and have since divorced. I think it was the right move, but I'm not okay.

Last night I woke up hyperventilating from a nightmare about having sex with my ex. Sex was a huge issue in our marriage, and I guess it's haunting me! I just feel like I need to be able to get the details out there because I just can't talk to others about this.

We got together when I was 18, and he was 25. I was very inexperienced (he was my 2nd), and he was very experienced. There was a huge gap from the start with what I was comfortable and what he wanted, but he figured I would "grow". So did I. I did try lots of the things he wanted to do. At first, other than the fact that I always felt quite pressured to go beyond my comfort zone, I think we were pretty normal. I tried lots of new things, learned some things I liked, and some things I didn't.

The things I didn't like were the problem. He always really wanted anal. We tried, first with toys, but I never enjoyed it, and found it painful. 

Frequency was a problem too. He wanted it daily, I would have been happy with weekly. So usually it was every 2-3 days. Until I fell pregnant with our first child, then at 25 weeks I was put on bedrest with no sex allowed. We did alternatives to try to satisfy him, but sometime during that stretch, he had sex with his best friends wife during some drunk party. Anyways, he apologized but I know he felt justified as his needs weren't being met. 

Life was hard from then on, as a mom, eventually with 3 kids with special needs, I was bagged by the end of most days. I still generally kept up the frequency and tried to do the things he wanted to keep it spicy. But he was never satisfied. And his dissatisfaction seemed to permeate all aspects of our marriage and he would even be a jerk to the kids when I wasn't giving him what he wanted. We were always walking on eggshells. Or sometimes worse.

I feel like I really need to go into detail about what our sex life was like, as that's what is haunting me. He said he always felt like he was the bottom of the priority list. I felt badly about that, but didn't always know what to cut out. For years, I was running on empty as my eldest child and youngest child both had autism and barely slept. He never went more than a few nights in a row without us having sex, and he insisted that at least once a week was not just a quickie, but a really really long event. I hate to admit it, but I dreaded those nights.

So I had already determined prior to kids, that I wasn't a fan of anal, but he wanted it on him so wanted me to wear a strap on. I wasn't agreeable so compromised with using toys on him. A total turn off for me, but whatever, it's his butt. He also wanted to be able to lick mine. Again, not something I'm interested in, so the compromise was I would wear latex panties and he could lick however he wanted. He liked watching porn all the time, but as I am opposed to that, I agreed we could make homemade porn. That quickly turned into him begging to tape short clips of anything that I had hesitation to do for him to reply and enjoy. 

Sometimes I felt like he would always ask for stuff I wouldn't want to do, just so he could grump about me being a prude. Sometimes I would drink to loosen up my own inhibitions. The consequences for letting him down were too severe so I would do my best. But it was never enough. And always my fault. 

Eventually he decided that because I wasn't able to meet his needs, and he was tired of living in a "sexless marriage" (not sure why he insisted on calling it that, as we did have sex often!)we should have an open marriage. He found a girl on a sex website 20 years younger than him, and my choice was to agree or he would leave. I was terrified to be a single mom, so I agreed. After a couple months, I told him he needed to get std checks everytime he had sex with someone else before he could have sex with me. He said that was ridiculous and walked out on the kids and I. 

We went to see a sex counsellor after that for a few months. He wanted to get back together, and wanted me to agree to a 'sex contract', stating that he would always have Saturday nights to do with me what he wanted, I disagreed, but suggested counselling. The counsellor told me he has a sex addiction, and that until he acknowledged it and dealt with it, he would continue to hurt me. On top of that, she felt that he was replying the sexual abuse he had suffered as a child, thus the fixation with anal despite my resistance. In not so many words, she was advising me to stay separated from him. Which I did, so here I am.

Anyways, thanks for reading all that. I needed to just get it off my chest as I try to make sense of it. Maybe if I type it, it will stay out of my dreams!! I used to wake up calling for help, and now with panic attacks. I need to move on from this, and don't know how.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

So sorry for what you have gone through.
Sex in a loving relationship must be mutually fulfilling and absolutely not abusive. You will meet someone who treats you lovingly and not in this way.
You should also get counselling for you sound traumatized, I suspect you have PTSD, seek help and move on and away from the memory of him.

Do you have to see him often with the kids etc?


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

To him, unsatisfying sex is a "sexless" marriage. If things went down hill with child #1, it was not helpful to have more kids with him.

You two are not sexually compatible. And its not just age related. There are young women who will do anal at age 18 who enjoy it and there are women at 48 who do not enjoy/want it. Of course, there is more than that in your relationship. Yes, there are compromises - but there are things between you two that are deal-breakers. It seems to be about what HE wants and what you are willing to do - and not what YOU want that YOU enjoy. This is something that anyone with "experince" would have figured out within a few months of being with someone who is incompatible.

Even as a man in his late 40s, I prefer to have sex with my wife 3+ times a week or more. Does it happen, no. And with mine being sick lately, it makes it far less so.

Having sex 2~4 times a week is considered healthy/normal/typical for people in their 30s~40s. Next guy you want a serious relationship - be upfront that sex for you is once a week. Some guys are okay with that.


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## Bellaballoo (Jul 13, 2017)

Yes, unfortunately I see him quite a lot, due to kids, and I've wondered if I have PTSD. IBut I'm always questioning if it was really bad enough to cause that. In retrospect, my nightmare was probably precipitated with him pushing boundaries lately and letting himself into my house when I'm not home.

So, I've read a few threads here where people have differences in sexual desire from their spouse, and it does cause a great deal of misery. Sometimes I can't help but wonder if his bhaviour wasn't actually justified as I wasn't meeting his needs. How can a husband treat his wife lovingly if he feels neglected?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Bellaballoo said:


> Yes, unfortunately I see him quite a lot, due to kids, and I've wondered if I have PTSD. IBut I'm always questioning if it was really bad enough to cause that. In retrospect, my nightmare was probably precipitated with him pushing boundaries lately and letting himself into my house when I'm not home.
> 
> So, I've read a few threads here where people have differences in sexual desire from their spouse, and it does cause a great deal of misery. Sometimes I can't help but wonder if his bhaviour wasn't actually justified as I wasn't meeting his needs. How can a husband treat his wife lovingly if he feels neglected?


If you are divorced, he has no right to enter your house without your permission. He has definitely problems with boundaries and exerting control. You need to explain to him, what the boundaries are and have them enforced by the police if necessary. In the meantime I would consider you change your locks.
What other boundaries has he been crossing?

I think your H has problems and you two were not compatible, why can't you let this go, and move on, he is no longer your problem, you will meet someone who you can have a loving relationship with.

Is he pushing you to get back together, is he still with the GF?


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Feel fortunate that you're out of that hellhole!

Please get into immediate IC to help you with your random panic attacks, and with the frequency with which you are required to see him!

No person, man or woman, deserves to be treated like this!*


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## NickTheChemist (Apr 26, 2017)

I wish I could just give you a good hug. You were sexually and emotionally abused for years. This is probably something to work through with a great counselor, but I really wouldn't know. 

He must be a charmer for you to put up with that treatment for so long. Did you expect that he would change if you marrried him

18 is so young to make a decision on who you want to stay with, and it sounds like he took advantage of that. He's a sick puppy and you had no chance at changing him. You didn't cause him to abuse you snd you are not used up or dirty now. I think you are brave and that is beautiful. 

I'd like to kick him in the face. This bastard gives a horrible name to kind, and patient husbands in low sex marriage who want to increase physical intimacy in order to have their needs met and connect with the woman he loves. 

I hope that things are going very well for you and the kids now


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

He had sex with his best friends wife. The dude was and is garbage, you could have been having pornstar sex and he was always going to be garbage. Toxic people lead to toxic lives. The issue was his nature not you. I suspect since he was basically your second boyfriend whom you met very young you have no idea what it's like to be with decent person. 

Detach, recover, and then see if you can find one. I think you will be surprised and then angry that you wasted so much time worrying about him.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

OP, your ex-husband sounds a bit like my own ex-husband. He was VERY sexual. But not in a mature way. In a way that made everything about his sexuality my responsibility. He really felt that he shouldn't ever have to "go without" for even an instant no matter what the reason. Meeting his needs - any and every single time he felt needy - was 100% my responsibility. He felt no need to learn to manage his own desires or control his own sexuality. Everything about our sex life was actually just about him. I just didn't seem to matter all that much, other than as a plaything. Overall, he was very much about sex and control, and was exceptionally self-centered. And, as it turns out, that was true not just about our sex life, but also about a host of other facets of our relationship. He was just sort of obliviously narcissistic in many ways. 

But I was young enough, and naïve enough when we married, to think that all this was just normal. I thought maybe I was the one who just wasn't good at this whole marriage thing, since I didn't seem to be able to make him happy. So I tried harder, compromised more, worked more, tried everything imaginable. It was never enough. I was never enough. 

With the gift of hindsight, and having been divorced for a few years, I have come to realize that I really was never enough for him. And that that is perfectly okay. _Nothing _was ever enough for him, so how could I be? He lacks the capacity for contentment in any form. He's just the sort of person who requires a very high level of novelty. No matter what he has, he's always looking for whatever comes next, whatever is newer, shinier, bigger, better, more exciting. There is no "enough" for him. About anything. So why should our sex life have been any different?

I've also had a couple of healthy relationships since my marriage ended. And I've learned that it is possible for me to be perfectly enough, more than enough, for the right man. I've learned that men can be frankly and unapologetically sexual in their natures, without making their sexuality into a problem for me to solve. I've learned that there are men who can read me well enough to know whether it's sexy time or not - and be perfectly okay if it's not just then. I've learned that sex can be, should be, a thing of mutual sharing rather than selfishness. And, perhaps most fascinating and wonderful of all, I've learned that I do, in fact, have a healthy sex drive. Without the constant pressure, disappointment, pouting, moodiness from my partner - and given an otherwise healthy relationship - I can be proactively interested in, excited about, sex. 

OP, I think you need to start with setting and enforcing boundaries with your ex-husband. He, like my own ex-husband, seems to lack them, perhaps even thinks they're a bad thing. Put new locks on your doors, and don't give him a key. Tell him, very clearly, that he is not to be in your home unless invited in by you. And you shouldn't be inviting him in unless there's some immediate and dire need on very rare occasions. Don't engage him in discussions about anything other than your children. Any lingering issues from the divorce should be handled solely through e-mail if possible, and through your attorneys if that fails. If, when, he asks person questions, don't answer them. Change the subject or tell him you'd rather not discuss that. The two of you are ex-spouses. You are not friends. You can behave in a friendly manner within certain limits, but you cannot actually be friends. Close him out of your personal life as much as possible. You might benefit from reading _Boundaries_ by Cloud & Townsend. It's overtly Christian, but a solid read even if that's not your thing.

And find a personal therapist who will help you build your own self-esteem to a healthy level. The healthier you are personally, the easier you will find it to let go of the past and view it - and him - with a level of objective apathy that gives it no power over your present or future. If you're a reader, you might find _Codependent No More _by Beattie, _His Needs, Her Needs _and _Lovebusters_, both by Harley, and even _No More Mister Nice Guy_, by Glover, to be enlightening.


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## pbj2016 (May 7, 2017)

@Bellaballoo I was stressed just reading about your nightmare. Nothing in your description says he wanted a shared experience but rather it was all about getting what he wanted fueled by porn. 

To move forward in life you really need a counselor to help you. 

He also should never be in your house without explicit permission.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

aine said:


> So sorry for what you have gone through.
> Sex in a loving relationship must be mutually fulfilling and absolutely not abusive. You will meet someone who treats you lovingly and not in this way.
> You should also get counselling for you sound traumatized, I suspect you have PTSD, seek help and move on and away from the memory of him.
> 
> Do you have to see him often with the kids etc?


I was going to reply, but this ^^^ pretty much said all that I was going to say. I'm also very sorry for what you've gone through; your ex-husband sounds like a real piece of work. :-(


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Bellaballoo said:


> Yes, unfortunately I see him quite a lot, due to kids, and I've wondered if I have PTSD. IBut I'm always questioning if it was really bad enough to cause that. In retrospect, my nightmare was probably precipitated with him pushing boundaries lately and letting himself into my house when I'm not home.
> 
> So, I've read a few threads here where people have differences in sexual desire from their spouse, and it does cause a great deal of misery. Sometimes I can't help but wonder if his bhaviour wasn't actually justified as I wasn't meeting his needs. How can a husband treat his wife lovingly if he feels neglected?


This was not your doing. Your husband was abusive, his demands unreasonable. His behavior was not justified.

There are COUNTLESS threads here started by men who are living a sexless marriage and very very rarely do any of them speak disrespectfully of their wives. 

Be reading these threads here at TAM, in the SIM section, I've learned that most men are honorable decent human beings, not monsters, not abusers, not bullies. So stay and read some more and you will see for yourself that your husband is a piece of **** not worth your worry and most certainly not worthy of you!

I don't think you have PTSD, you just have some night mare worthy baggage to unload and this is a great place to unpack it all.

Peace.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

I'm so sorry for what you've gone through in your marriage, that in itself sounds like the real nightmare!! I hope you can continue to move on, heal yourself, and eventually find a wonderful man and have a loving fulfilling sex life with him.

Just to leave you with a little chuckle (I hope), I'm divorced and last night I dreamed I was involved with a guy and somehow I had agreed to marry him. The wedding was coming up in a couple of days and I was in a complete panic about it, wondering how I had gotten there and how I could get out of it. 

My nightmares are about weddings and getting married!! Lol!


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

It is possible for people to have very different sexual interests and to be unhappy without it being either persons fault, but for them not to be compatible

If someone pushes their partner for sex that partner doesn't want, that is a huge problem. "Pushing" can range from repeated requests to rape, with of course varying levels of severity.

OTOH if someone is unhappy with their sex life, they have a right to leave. 


So, I don't see anything wrong with your husband wanting these things, but I do see something very wrong with him pressuring you to go along. 




Bellaballoo said:


> snip
> 
> So, I've read a few threads here where people have differences in sexual desire from their spouse, and it does cause a great deal of misery. Sometimes I can't help but wonder if his bhaviour wasn't actually justified as I wasn't meeting his needs. How can a husband treat his wife lovingly if he feels neglected?


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## Bellaballoo (Jul 13, 2017)

TaDor said:


> To him, unsatisfying sex is a "sexless" marriage. If things went down hill with child #1, it was not helpful to have more kids with him.
> 
> You two are not sexually compatible. And its not just age related. There are young women who will do anal at age 18 who enjoy it and there are women at 48 who do not enjoy/want it. Of course, there is more than that in your relationship. Yes, there are compromises - but there are things between you two that are deal-breakers. It seems to be about what HE wants and what you are willing to do - and not what YOU want that YOU enjoy. This is something that anyone with "experince" would have figured out within a few months of being with someone who is incompatible.
> 
> ...



Good question on the more kids thing. I guess it doesn't really make sense. I don't think I really comprehended how bad things were between us, and in my mind, separation or divorce really wasn't an option at that point. I will say though, the 3rd child was a surprise, and oh my, I was not happy! With the second though, I knew I didn't want an only child. And wanting children can be a really strong drive.

I don't expect there will be a "next guy". I'm so done. If I were Catholic, I'd join a nunnery. But I do wonder if I would have a normal sex drive had it not been for all the baggage in our relationship surrounding that.


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## Bellaballoo (Jul 13, 2017)

aine said:


> If you are divorced, he has no right to enter your house without your permission. He has definitely problems with boundaries and exerting control. You need to explain to him, what the boundaries are and have them enforced by the police if necessary. In the meantime I would consider you change your locks.
> What other boundaries has he been crossing?
> 
> I think your H has problems and you two were not compatible, why can't you let this go, and move on, he is no longer your problem, you will meet someone who you can have a loving relationship with.
> ...



I have explained before, but over time, he seems to have decided that isn't necessary! My kids need to carry a spare key as I'm sometimes working when they get home from school. My daughter would bring it to his house when she was there on the weekends, and I was concerned he would copy it, so I got the lock changed to a push-button lock where they would enter a password. The kids don't realize the issues between us, and I cannot explain, but he would just bring them here and watch them put in their codes. So now, on the weekends, I got a big key lock for my courtyard gate. The kids could climb over he fence, but he won't. I am nervous of the showdown that is to come about this.

He was pushing for reconciliation. Not anymore. He is back together with that girl, though as she's married, I'm not sure I'd say it's a girlfriend. She's seems to be a really messed up person. Can't hold a job, frequent rental evictions, and swears like a sailor around my kids when they are at their dads on the weekend. I'm pretty sure he watches her 2yr old to trade for sex.


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## Bellaballoo (Jul 13, 2017)

aine said:


> If you are divorced, he has no right to enter your house without your permission. He has definitely problems with boundaries and exerting control. You need to explain to him, what the boundaries are and have them enforced by the police if necessary. In the meantime I would consider you change your locks.
> What other boundaries has he been crossing?
> 
> I think your H has problems and you two were not compatible, why can't you let this go, and move on, he is no longer your problem, you will meet someone who you can have a loving relationship with.
> ...





arbitrator said:


> *Feel fortunate that you're out of that hellhole!
> 
> Please get into immediate IC to help you with your random panic attacks, and with the frequency with which you are required to see him!
> 
> No person, man or woman, deserves to be treated like this!*


I've considered counselling, but honestly, I'd be mortified to share the details that I posted here with someone face-to-face.


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## Bellaballoo (Jul 13, 2017)

NickTheChemist said:


> I wish I could just give you a good hug. You were sexually and emotionally abused for years. This is probably something to work through with a great counselor, but I really wouldn't know.
> 
> He must be a charmer for you to put up with that treatment for so long. Did you expect that he would change if you marrried him
> 
> ...


it's a very hard conclusion to come to that this was abuse. I really struggle with that. It's like subconsciously my mind knows and is reacting like it was, but then on a conscious level, I argue with that and ty to reason that his reaction was normal for guy that wasn't getting his needs met. (maybe less so towards the end)

He was a charmer. When we got together, I had dated several guys, but always found myself breaking up with them before things got very serious physically. I don't know why. When I decided I wanted to lose my virginity, I chose a handsome guy at a party that I knew I wasn't seeking a long term relationship with. So I think perhaps something was wrong with me from square one.

We met at a party when I was 17. I was a little on the wild side, friends and I were dancing in our bras on a coffee table at a party. My Dad has died a year earlier, and I had gone from being a top student with nice friends to drugs and partying. I was definitely not coping well with losing him. We dated for a bit, and he said he had just left a long and serious relationship, and was looking to focus on his career and not on another serious relationship. Coming from a group of people where most of the guys had zero long term goals, he seemed pretty appealing! I also wonder if I wasn't to a degree looking for a replacement for my Dad, who very much played the provider role in our family.

I did think he'd change when we married. I thought I would too. Being a party animal, in my mind, was a normal thing kids did, to be left behind once you got married and had kids. He watched a lot of porn. Said he'd stop. Smoked a lot of pot, and promised that would stop as well. I changed according to my thoughts of how life worked. After high school, drugs and partying became less and less. I did some post secondary to get a degree until we decided to have kids first. 

I honestly really do believe he loved me. It's hard to reconcile with some of his actions, which is very confusing for me, but when he was blaming me for being the cause of all his misery, I think he believed it as much as I did. Things weren't always bad either. We had some good and fun times in their as well.


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## Bellaballoo (Jul 13, 2017)

sokillme said:


> He had sex with his best friends wife. The dude was and is garbage, you could have been having pornstar sex and he was always going to be garbage. Toxic people lead to toxic lives. The issue was his nature not you. I suspect since he was basically your second boyfriend whom you met very young you have no idea what it's like to be with decent person.
> 
> Detach, recover, and then see if you can find one. I think you will be surprised and then angry that you wasted so much time worrying about him.


Sex with his best friends wife was a pretty surprising low. He blamed being drunk and lonely. It's amazing how he could apologise and ask me to forgive him, and yet still hold me responsible. And sort of crazy on my end that I accepted that!

He wasn't my second boyfriend, but he was my first long-term boyfriend. And yes, you're right. I have no clue about what decent and normal looks like. That's one of the reasons why I'm here! Thank goodness for a safe place to talk about these things!


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## Bellaballoo (Jul 13, 2017)

Rowan said:


> OP, your ex-husband sounds a bit like my own ex-husband. He was VERY sexual. But not in a mature way. In a way that made everything about his sexuality my responsibility. He really felt that he shouldn't ever have to "go without" for even an instant no matter what the reason. Meeting his needs - any and every single time he felt needy - was 100% my responsibility. He felt no need to learn to manage his own desires or control his own sexuality. Everything about our sex life was actually just about him. I just didn't seem to matter all that much, other than as a plaything. Overall, he was very much about sex and control, and was exceptionally self-centered. And, as it turns out, that was true not just about our sex life, but also about a host of other facets of our relationship. He was just sort of obliviously narcissistic in many ways.
> 
> But I was young enough, and naïve enough when we married, to think that all this was just normal. I thought maybe I was the one who just wasn't good at this whole marriage thing, since I didn't seem to be able to make him happy. So I tried harder, compromised more, worked more, tried everything imaginable. It was never enough. I was never enough.
> 
> ...


Oh my goodness so much of your experience is just like mine. I did think our relationship was normal for the longest time. I would renew my efforts time and again to be what he needed. It's wonderful to hear that you've come to the conclusion that you weren't enough, and that isn't your problem. And to hear that you have found you do have a healthy sex drive in the right environment is refreshing. I can't seem to shake the worry right now that there was and is something wrong with me. I guess because with relationships before him, I didn't really want or wasn't feeling ready for sex very much. 

I'd been with him since I was 18, late 17 actually. We dated a couple months before we had sex, but the pressure was on from the start. He told no other woman ever made him wait so long. Not sure what's normal there. I know lots of my friends were sexually active at that age, but part of me feels like it's perfectly okay that I wasn't ready, and the other part of me insists that there was something wrong with me from the beginning for not wanting to have sex wild and often at that age. 

It must be amazing to feel like you're enough and more for a man. 

I have read the Boundaries book, and will certainly read the others you've suggested. I need to get beyond this. We've ben apart for over a year now, and I still feel so haunted and confused. Even being at a friends house and seeing any sort of discord in their marriage send me into a panic attack. It's ridiculous. I have insisted on email as communication between us, especially for any issues we may have conflict about, and he never seems to tire of telling me there is no need for that and we can discuss over coffee. I've not given in on that yet because I know he will just use every manipulative skill he has to get me to do what he wants. He's always insisting that we need to be friends for the kids sake. I feel we need to cooperate for their sakes, but friendship is not required.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Bellaballoo said:


> I've considered counselling, but honestly, I'd be mortified to share the details that I posted here with someone face-to-face.


You should never be ashamed of your story and what you have been through, it is not your fault or a reflection on you.
I suggest you read Brene Browns Rising Strong, she talks about authenticity and transparency in our lives and accepting our stories.

You will need professional help, therapists have heard a lot more and a lot worse, go and get one! Do not wait as you need to be the best mother you can be, you may hand this baggage to your kids, you do not want that.


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## Bellaballoo (Jul 13, 2017)

uhtred said:


> It is possible for people to have very different sexual interests and to be unhappy without it being either persons fault, but for them not to be compatible
> 
> If someone pushes their partner for sex that partner doesn't want, that is a huge problem. "Pushing" can range from repeated requests to rape, with of course varying levels of severity.
> 
> ...



Okay, thanks. That's helpful. The pressure was immense, even though it was never violent like rape. But leaving never felt like a viable option, and I wonder if he possibly felt the same way.


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## Bellaballoo (Jul 13, 2017)

aine said:


> You should never be ashamed of your story and what you have been through, it is not your fault or a reflection on you.
> I suggest you read Brene Browns Rising Strong, she talks about authenticity and transparency in our lives and accepting our stories.
> 
> You will need professional help, therapists have heard a lot more and a lot worse, go and get one! Do not wait as you need to be the best mother you can be, you may hand this baggage to your kids, you do not want that.


I'm on a waiting list currently, and am completely an anxious mess about getting to the end of that list! 

At a friends house a few months ago, her husband came home and was sarcastically complaining about the dental bill for their daughters. I could see the kids were fine. She was fine. Money isn't a problem for them as he is a doctor. But despite be able to rationally see that all was fine, my body disagreed and I started hyperventilating and crying and couldn't speak... it was embarrassing. Anyways, he and his wife insisted that I go to my family doctor and ask for a referral to mental health. 

Sometimes I think that the only reason I'm struggling is because I've convinced myself that things were worse than they were. 

I will read that book. I guess I was really hoping that by posting here I could get it all out of my system and move on!


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Bellaballoo said:


> I've considered counselling, but honestly, I'd be mortified to share the details that I posted here with someone face-to-face.


*Think nothing of it! They are trained people who would hold nothing against you for bringing it up!

They are supposed to be there to help you!*


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Bellaballoo said:


> Sex with his best friends wife was a pretty surprising low. He blamed being drunk and lonely. It's amazing how he could apologise and ask me to forgive him, and yet still hold me responsible. And sort of crazy on my end that I accepted that!
> 
> He wasn't my second boyfriend, but he was my first long-term boyfriend. And yes, you're right. I have no clue about what decent and normal looks like. That's one of the reasons why I'm here! Thank goodness for a safe place to talk about these things!


Well let me tell you the difference will change your life. Be strong now. This is relationship chemotherapy, you lose your hair and puke for a year so you can be healthy and strong going forward. Doing IC is a good idea though. It will help you develop better boundaries and expectations.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Bellaballoo said:


> Yes, unfortunately I see him quite a lot, due to kids, and I've wondered if I have PTSD. IBut I'm always questioning if it was really bad enough to cause that. In retrospect, my nightmare was probably precipitated with *him pushing boundaries lately and letting himself into my house when I'm not home*.


What is he doing in your home when you are not there?

Your husband's behavior during your marriage is pretty concerning. He was abusing you sexually.

He asked for every Saturday night to be a time when he could do whatever he wanted to you. That's not making love... that's basically along the lines of rape.

Now he's letting himself into you house and pushing boundaries? You should seriously consider writing him a letter telling him to stay out of your home and to not put a foot on your property unless he is invited by you. If you can afford a lawyer, have a lawyer write it. Mail a copy of the letter to yourself so that you have a copy with the postdated stamp on the envelope. Do not open it unless this goes to court or you end up needed a restraining order.

I think that your nightmares are your subconscious giving you fair warning that something is not right with him and him coming into you home.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Personally, I hope your ex gets a penis infection and has to have it amputated. It will serve him right.
Bellaballoo, you were abused, please get some IC, and keep your distance from your ex, he is more toxic than strychnine.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Bellaballoo said:


> I've considered counselling, but honestly, I'd be mortified to share the details that I posted here with someone face-to-face.


Maybe you can do something to get over that mortification. It's certainly not anything that a seasoned counselor has not heard before.

One way to get over it is to write down what you would say. Then stand in front of a mirror and read it, or talk form your written word, about what happened. Tell the person in the mirror (your image) about it. And keep doing that until you can talk about it more easily. It probably will not take all that many times to get to the point that you can talk about it openly with a counselor.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Bellaballoo said:


> Sex with his best friends wife was a pretty surprising low.


So does the best friend know about this? if so, how did the best friend react?




Bellaballoo said:


> He blamed being drunk and lonely. It's amazing how he could apologise and ask me to forgive him, and yet still hold me responsible. And sort of crazy on my end that I accepted that!


Men, real men, can handle it when their wife is put on no sex because of pregnancy complications. This is especially true when she is still doing what she can with things like bj's, hj's, etc. That's part of being a man whose wife is pregnant.

There is a reason why a 25 year old man would have a relationship with an 18 years old girl. I'm sure you realize now that the level of maturity between ages 18 and 25 are hugely different. The reason is usually control... it's much easier to control and manipulate an 18 year old girl. 

(I'm sure that there are a few 25/18 relationships that are not about control/manipulation. But it's pretty common.)


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## Bellaballoo (Jul 13, 2017)

aine said:


> You should never be ashamed of your story and what you have been through, it is not your fault or a reflection on you.
> I suggest you read Brene Browns Rising Strong, she talks about authenticity and transparency in our lives and accepting our stories.
> 
> You will need professional help, therapists have heard a lot more and a lot worse, go and get one! Do not wait as you need to be the best mother you can be, you may hand this baggage to your kids, you do not want that.


Okay, the book is on order.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Many people feel like they cannot leave a bad marriage, even though that may be the best option for both people.

He should NOT have pressured you to do things you didn't want. If you were sexually incompatible, he should have worked on an equitable divorce so that you could each find partner who were better suited to your desires.

When he pressured you, HE was completely in the wrong. 




Bellaballoo said:


> Okay, thanks. That's helpful. The pressure was immense, even though it was never violent like rape. But leaving never felt like a viable option, and I wonder if he possibly felt the same way.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Opps wrong thread


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## Bellaballoo (Jul 13, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> What is he doing in your home when you are not there?
> 
> Your husband's behavior during your marriage is pretty concerning. He was abusing you sexually.
> 
> ...



I wish I could find literature on healing from sexual abuse in a marriage. I agree, his ideas of Saturday night were pretty much along the lines of rape. He did allow me to have a few limits, and in his contract he said he'd try to make it pleasurable for me but that was not the intent of the evening. Concerningly, I just tried to find the email with all those discussions we had about that, and all my email for that entire year have been deleted. I wish I could say I didn't suspect him of messing with that, but I do.

I guess I can say for sure, we had a lot of sex that wasn't consensual. It wasn't rape like with physical force, but I didn't have a lot of freedom to turn him down and be okay. He would keep me up for hours, or days of the silent treatment, or threaten divorce or just be a walking bomb around the house. Things did get violent once. I think he knew that if that happened again I would leave. But it left it's mark anyways as there were times from then on that I felt very unsafe walking away from him. I just knew that if I didn't give him what he wanted, it wasn't worth the consequences. But then, sometimes even if I did, he'd still be unhappy because he'd sometimes lose his erection (my fault again, because there was so much baggage in our sex life).

Sometimes in the evenings after I put the kids to bed, he would sit in the living room and just glare at me. If I didn't sit down, he'd get very angry. So I would, but it was odd, often there was no conversation. He'd sometimes talk about how I was his wife, just generally lay on a guilt trip for not fulfilling that role. Or be angry because I had commented earlier in the evening the I was tired or had a headache. Or if when he walked by me in the kitchen and grabbed my crotch, and I didn't respond in the way he wanted. If I dared make any suggestions, of ways we could try to improve things, they were never any good. Sometimes the silence would last an hour. If I did anything, even play with the cat, he would get pissed. Sometimes he'd even time me and tell me how long I "ignored" him for . It was an impossible situation. And so confusing.

I think you are right that I do need to write him a letter. I dread the confrontation. As fare as I know, he's mostly coming in to get kids stuff that they want, like swimsuits or whatever. But there is no reason that he can't get what he needs when he picks the kids up on Friday eve, or do without. Long and short of it is that I feel he's violated my privacy so much over the years, and I just really need it now.


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## Bellaballoo (Jul 13, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> Maybe you can do something to get over that mortification. It's certainly not anything that a seasoned counselor has not heard before.
> 
> One way to get over it is to write down what you would say. Then stand in front of a mirror and read it, or talk form your written word, about what happened. Tell the person in the mirror (your image) about it. And keep doing that until you can talk about it more easily. It probably will not take all that many times to get to the point that you can talk about it openly with a counselor.


Thanks, that's a good idea. I will try it.


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## Bellaballoo (Jul 13, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> So does the best friend know about this? if so, how did the best friend react?
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Yes, he fessed up to his friend, who then divorced his wife. Their relationship was on rocky ground for many years but they are friends again now. 


I do see that huge maturity gap now. Despite what I thought of myself at 18! And he's doing it again with being with a very messed up girl in her 20s. Disgusting


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## Bellaballoo (Jul 13, 2017)

uhtred said:


> Many people feel like they cannot leave a bad marriage, even though that may be the best option for both people.
> 
> He should NOT have pressured you to do things you didn't want. If you were sexually incompatible, he should have worked on an equitable divorce so that you could each find partner who were better suited to your desires.
> 
> When he pressured you, HE was completely in the wrong.


Thanks, I needed to hear that. 

Now I just need to keep telling myself so I believe it! My word, when you've gone years and years taking the blame, it's it hard to believe the opposite.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Bellaballoo said:


> I wish I could find literature on healing from sexual abuse in a marriage. I agree, his ideas of Saturday night were pretty much along the lines of rape. He did allow me to have a few limits, and in his contract he said he'd try to make it pleasurable for me but that was not the intent of the evening. Concerningly, I just tried to find the email with all those discussions we had about that, and all my email for that entire year have been deleted. I wish I could say I didn't suspect him of messing with that, but I do.
> 
> I guess I can say for sure, we had a lot of sex that wasn't consensual. It wasn't rape like with physical force, but I didn't have a lot of freedom to turn him down and be okay. He would keep me up for hours, or days of the silent treatment, or threaten divorce or just be a walking bomb around the house. Things did get violent once. I think he knew that if that happened again I would leave. But it left it's mark anyways as there were times from then on that I felt very unsafe walking away from him. I just knew that if I didn't give him what he wanted, it wasn't worth the consequences. But then, sometimes even if I did, he'd still be unhappy because he'd sometimes lose his erection (my fault again, because there was so much baggage in our sex life).


If his plan was to have sex with you with no concern on his part whether or not you enjoyed it, he's a very sick man.

What you describe above is rape. Rape does not require that he beat you up or tie you down. 




Bellaballoo said:


> Sometimes in the evenings after I put the kids to bed, he would sit in the living room and just glare at me. If I didn't sit down, he'd get very angry. So I would, but it was odd, often there was no conversation. He'd sometimes talk about how I was his wife, just generally lay on a guilt trip for not fulfilling that role. Or be angry because I had commented earlier in the evening the I was tired or had a headache. Or if when he walked by me in the kitchen and grabbed my crotch, and I didn't respond in the way he wanted. If I dared make any suggestions, of ways we could try to improve things, they were never any good. Sometimes the silence would last an hour. If I did anything, even play with the cat, he would get pissed. Sometimes he'd even time me and tell me how long I "ignored" him for . It was an impossible situation. And so confusing.
> 
> I think you are right that I do need to write him a letter. I dread the confrontation. As fare as I know, he's mostly coming in to get kids stuff that they want, like swimsuits or whatever. But there is no reason that he can't get what he needs when he picks the kids up on Friday eve, or do without. Long and short of it is that I feel he's violated my privacy so much over the years, and I just really need it now.


Yep, you need to tell him that under no uncertain terms he is never to enter your home again without your consent.


My son's father was abusive. Not in the same way that your ex was. But he was doing the coming over, letting himself in, etc thing. So I had something added to our divorce that he was not allowed to enter my home. When he dropped our son off, he had to stay at the curb and let our son walk to the front door on his own. When he picked up our son, he had to stay at the curb and let our son walk from the house to his car.

Also, your ex should have things for your children at his own place. bathing suits are for kids are cheap. He can pick some of these things up at Walmart for next to nothing.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Bellaballoo said:


> Yes, he fessed up to his friend, who then divorced his wife. Their relationship was on rocky ground for many years but they are friends again now.
> 
> 
> I do see that huge maturity gap now. Despite what I thought of myself at 18! And he's doing it again with being with a very messed up girl in her 20s. Disgusting


Oh no. Poor kid. Too bad you cannot warn her. But I doubt that she would pay any attention to what you have to say.

Very sad.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Bellaballoo said:


> Yes, unfortunately I see him quite a lot, due to kids, and I've wondered if I have PTSD. IBut I'm always questioning if it was really bad enough to cause that. In retrospect, my nightmare was probably precipitated with him pushing boundaries lately and letting himself into my house when I'm not home.


Yes, what he did was bad enough to cause that. What gets me about your story is not how often he wanted sex, but that he kept wanting you to do things you did not like. It sounds like some kind of control/dominance/degradation type thing.



Bellaballoo said:


> So, I've read a few threads here where people have differences in sexual desire from their spouse, and it does cause a great deal of misery. Sometimes I can't help but wonder if his bhaviour wasn't actually justified as I wasn't meeting his needs. How can a husband treat his wife lovingly if he feels neglected?


Here is a better question - How can a wife feel safe and want to have sex with her husband when he does not treat her lovingly? There is NOTHING in your story that illustrated that he loved or cherished you or gave the tiniest of craps about you, your feelings, or your needs.

I hope your nightmares abate. I would look into PTSD type help. You have been through hell. Your ex sounds cruel and masochistic to me.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

@Bellaballoo

Keep posting here if you need encouragement or are unsure if your ex is an *******. We will all assure you that he is one and help you push through this. YOU CAN DO IT! My Mother left my verbally abusive step father when she was in her 50's. She has since gone on to have a wonderful career and life. She will tell you if you ask her that this is the happiest time in her life. It's scary we know but there is a life out there for you. You just have to push on through.


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## Bellaballoo (Jul 13, 2017)

WorkingWife said:


> Yes, what he did was bad enough to cause that. What gets me about your story is not how often he wanted sex, but that he kept wanting you to do things you did not like. It sounds like some kind of control/dominance/degradation type thing.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



I guess that fits in well with what the sex counsellor said for the short time we went there - that he was replaying his childhood abuse. When he was 8 he was raped by a babysitter. 

I honestly don't think he was intentionally trying to hurt me, just doing everything he could to get what he wanted/needed. Or maybe he was, and I just don't want to see that. Its the events that have no other explanation besides be cruel and intentional that I really struggle with.

There were times when he did treat me lovingly, but after a while, it was clear that his kindness always had strings. 

The nightmares will stop. Thanks for your support


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Bellaballoo said:


> I guess that fits in well with what the sex counsellor said for the short time we went there - that he was replaying his childhood abuse. When he was 8 he was raped by a babysitter.
> 
> I honestly don't think he was intentionally trying to hurt me, just doing everything he could to get what he wanted/needed. Or maybe he was, and I just don't want to see that. Its the events that have no other explanation besides be cruel and intentional that I really struggle with.
> 
> ...


Always believe actions over words.

His actions state pretty loudly that he was intentionally cruel. There are just some people who get off on that. We are not all wired the same. So it makes senses that you cannot understand how he could do that. But he did.


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## Bellaballoo (Jul 13, 2017)

sokillme said:


> @Bellaballoo
> 
> Keep posting here if you need encouragement or are unsure if your ex is an *******. We will all assure you that he is one and help you push through this. YOU CAN DO IT! My Mother left my verbally abusive step father when she was in her 50's. She has since gone on to have a wonderful career and life. She will tell you if you ask her that this is the happiest time in her life. It's scary we know but there is a life out there for you. You just have to push on through.



I will do so, thanks. I have a few friends who know some of the details, but I worry about tiring their ears, and some of it is just too tough to talk about face to face. i'm so thankful for the support I have. There is no way I would have managed to go through with a divorce without them and would likely still be with him. The court process was difficult to go through, and at times I was quite suicidal, so although they would never say so, I feel like I've been so much of a burden. 

I'm so happy for your Mom! I totally think that having a successful and happy life will be the best revenge. 

One of the reasons I stayed with him was because I was terrified of being a single mom. But I'm managing. I've got a bookkeeping business going and am working on an accounting degree that I started prior to having kids. So if I can just stop having completely unprofessional random panic attacks, get some solid nights sleeps, and stop myself from trembling when I'm trying to deal with male clients, there is hope for me yet!


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Bellaballoo said:


> I will do so, thanks. I have a few friends who know some of the details, but I worry about tiring their ears, and some of it is just too tough to talk about face to face. i'm so thankful for the support I have. There is no way I would have managed to go through with a divorce without them and would likely still be with him. The court process was difficult to go through, and at times I was quite suicidal, so although they would never say so, I feel like I've been so much of a burden.
> 
> I'm so happy for your Mom! I totally think that having a successful and happy life will be the best revenge.
> 
> One of the reasons I stayed with him was because I was terrified of being a single mom. But I'm managing. I've got a bookkeeping business going and am working on an accounting degree that I started prior to having kids. So if I can just stop having completely unprofessional random panic attacks, get some solid nights sleeps, and stop myself from trembling when I'm trying to deal with male clients, there is hope for me yet!


Keep pushing. My Mom was also terrified. Now she is respected and very successful working like someone in her 30's. It can be done. My Mother like you spent very little time on her own so there was a lot of fear about that. Now she says she would never live with someone again. All of these things are unknown to you now but you will see. Trust me.


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## wringo123 (Mar 8, 2015)

Bellaballoo said:


> I guess that fits in well with what the sex counsellor said for the short time we went there - that he was replaying his childhood abuse. When he was 8 he was raped by a babysitter.
> 
> I honestly don't think he was intentionally trying to hurt me, just doing everything he could to get what he wanted/needed. Or maybe he was, and I just don't want to see that. Its the events that have no other explanation besides be cruel and intentional that I really struggle with.
> 
> ...


His intention was to get what he wanted. How it effected you was not even on his radar as long as he got what he wanted. To me, that is worse than someone who is intentionally hurting you and understands the effect their actions are having.

In the former, you don't even exist to them as a real person with feelings and rights. You are just an object that exists for their gratification. In the latter, they at least understand that you are more than just a blow up doll and that you have feelings and hurt. Either they just don't care or the whole point is to hurt you, but at least you are real person.

Sent from my QMV7A using Tapatalk


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

wringo123 said:


> His intention was to get what he wanted. How it effected you was not even on his radar as long as he got what he wanted. To me, that is worse than someone who is intentionally hurting you and understands the effect their actions are having.
> 
> In the former, you don't even exist to them as a real person with feelings and rights. You are just an object that exists for their gratification. In the latter, they at least understand that you are more than just a blow up doll and that you have feelings and hurt. Either they just don't care or the whole point is to hurt you, but at least you are real person.


Does this sound like sociopath?


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

People are complicated and the "reasons" they do things often can't easily be described in words. 

Maybe his rape at a young age caused him to associate sex and abuse. Maybe he just became a selfish hurtful person for other reasons. I don't think its possible to figure out the exact "why" of what he did. 

He abused you. Now you are free. 




Bellaballoo said:


> I guess that fits in well with what the sex counsellor said for the short time we went there - that he was replaying his childhood abuse. When he was 8 he was raped by a babysitter.
> 
> I honestly don't think he was intentionally trying to hurt me, just doing everything he could to get what he wanted/needed. Or maybe he was, and I just don't want to see that. Its the events that have no other explanation besides be cruel and intentional that I really struggle with.
> 
> ...


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Bellaballoo said:


> I guess that fits in well with what the sex counsellor said for the short time we went there - that he was replaying his childhood abuse. When he was 8 he was raped by a babysitter.
> 
> I honestly don't think he was intentionally trying to hurt me, just doing everything he could to get what he wanted/needed. Or maybe he was, and I just don't want to see that. Its the events that have no other explanation besides be cruel and intentional that I really struggle with.
> 
> ...


It's all very sad. Human beings are complicated. Friends (and many on here) keep telling me that my husband totally used me. (Financially) And when you look at the facts, it's true, that is what HAPPENED. But he is not a malicious person. He never set out to find some woman, pull her in, then suck her resources dry 'till she had nothing left to give... And I never set out to find some guy who couldn't/wouldn't take care of himself and keep giving and giving and giving until I had nothing left and just wanted out...

I could see your husband's abuse driving his behavior. Making him feel compelled to have and do certain things sexually. And I think it's possible that he did get off on demanding too much from you and pushing you to do things he knew repulsed/hurt you, without him ever actually thinking "I want to be cruel to this woman." 

I applaud you for getting out. It had to be very hard. When you wake up in the middle of the night just say to yourself - I'm here. I'm safe. That's all in the past. Best of luck to you!

Oh, and just know that there are plenty of guys who want sex every day. But there are also plenty who don't. I haven't been with THAT many, but enough to know that it is NOT usual for a guy to push and push for you to do things you are reluctant about. Most of the things you described never came up. Certainly no one has asked me to use a strap on on them. :surprise: I'm not saying I wouldn't, just that it's not the AVERAGE male desire/request AFAIK. When you're ready you can find a wonderful partner who is in synch with you as long as you are clear on your boundaries from the start.


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## Bellaballoo (Jul 13, 2017)

wringo123 said:


> His intention was to get what he wanted. How it effected you was not even on his radar as long as he got what he wanted. To me, that is worse than someone who is intentionally hurting you and understands the effect their actions are having.
> 
> In the former, you don't even exist to them as a real person with feelings and rights. You are just an object that exists for their gratification. In the latter, they at least understand that you are more than just a blow up doll and that you have feelings and hurt. Either they just don't care or the whole point is to hurt you, but at least you are real person.
> 
> Sent from my QMV7A using Tapatalk


I hadn't thought of it that way. I guess both are fairly awful.


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## Bellaballoo (Jul 13, 2017)

WorkingWife said:


> It's all very sad. Human beings are complicated. Friends (and many on here) keep telling me that my husband totally used me. (Financially) And when you look at the facts, it's true, that is what HAPPENED. But he is not a malicious person. He never set out to find some woman, pull her in, then suck her resources dry 'till she had nothing left to give... And I never set out to find some guy who couldn't/wouldn't take care of himself and keep giving and giving and giving until I had nothing left and just wanted out...
> 
> I could see your husband's abuse driving his behavior. Making him feel compelled to have and do certain things sexually. And I think it's possible that he did get off on demanding too much from you and pushing you to do things he knew repulsed/hurt you, without him ever actually thinking "I want to be cruel to this woman."
> 
> ...


Thanks for that. 

It's good to know that being pushed so much isn't usual. Also good to know that it wasn't me being a prude for not being comfortable with all the stuff he wanted but that his tastes were ... unique. Sometimes I wondered if it all seemed normal to him because of the porn he watched.

Leaving was hard. Were it not for the kids becoming scared of him too, I wouldn't have. And friends who, although they didn't know the details, could see I was a complete wreck and helped me through it. 

Pretty sure I never want another partner!


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

There are lots of nice people out there and some of them will have compatible sexual interests. 

There is a very wide range of sexual interests. There is nothing "wrong" with his interests, even if they are not very common, BUT there is something very wrong with him pressuring you to do things you don't like. Much better if he had recognized the incompatibility and ended the relationship.







Bellaballoo said:


> Thanks for that.
> 
> It's good to know that being pushed so much isn't usual. Also good to know that it wasn't me being a prude for not being comfortable with all the stuff he wanted but that his tastes were ... unique. Sometimes I wondered if it all seemed normal to him because of the porn he watched.
> 
> ...


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Bellaballoo said:


> Pretty sure I never want another partner!


That may - or may not - change over time as you heal. Just know you can have a partner who brings joy and companionship into your life without giving away your control over your life. (At least I hope, that's my plan for my future some day!) I've been thinking about this a lot as I'm probably getting divorced, and I have never been through anything close to the nightmare you went through, but I have always felt I did not choose wisely and that I gave up complete control of my life to the other person. In thinking to the future, I think knowing what my deal breakers are in advance, what I do not want in a relationship, and being able - and willing - to walk away, both financially and emotionally, is crucial.

The fact that you don't think you want another partner frees you to build your life the way you want it for yourself and your children. It's also a little sad too though. I think it speaks to how traumatized you really were.


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## Bellaballoo (Jul 13, 2017)

WorkingWife said:


> That may - or may not - change over time as you heal. Just know you can have a partner who brings joy and companionship into your life without giving away your control over your life. (At least I hope, that's my plan for my future some day!) I've been thinking about this a lot as I'm probably getting divorced, and I have never been through anything close to the nightmare you went through, but I have always felt I did not choose wisely and that I gave up complete control of my life to the other person. In thinking to the future, I think knowing what my deal breakers are in advance, what I do not want in a relationship, and being able - and willing - to walk away, both financially and emotionally, is crucial.
> 
> The fact that you don't think you want another partner frees you to build your life the way you want it for yourself and your children. It's also a little sad too though. I think it speaks to how traumatized you really were.


I guess one can never say never. I would like to know what a happy and healthy relationship feels like. I don't really trust myself to not pick another problem. Although it is odd.. while I don't want another the relationship, at times I do feel like just going out and having a fling. Why I would want that when I still have nightmares about sex makes no sense to me.

Sorry to hear your marriage hasn't been great. Choosing wisely isn't easy, I don't think that without experience we can really know how much certain things will affect us. Kind of like learning what you want in a house layout - sometimes you don't now how much it will bug you till you live in it!


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Bellaballoo said:


> Leaving was hard.


If I'd been stuck with this piece of **** and had to deal with his constant obsession with his nasty genitals, and then found out pig boy had fooled around with his friend's wife, I would have happily left him. In fact, I would have literally danced out the door and throat punched him on my way out while simultaneously dialing his friend's number to tell him all about what the low life had done with his wife.

......you DID tell his friend what an utter scumbag your husband is and what his wife did, didn't you?


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## Bellaballoo (Jul 13, 2017)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> If I'd been stuck with this piece of **** and had to deal with his constant obsession with his nasty genitals, and then found out pig boy had fooled around with his friend's wife, I would have happily left him. In fact, I would have literally danced out the door and throat punched him on my way out while simultaneously dialing his friend's number to tell him all about what the low life had done with his wife.
> 
> ......you DID tell his friend what an utter scumbag your husband is and what his wife did, didn't you?


You may have, but also, quite possibly not. 

He told me about it a year later. I had a very sickly baby to look after and was so exhausted from that I cannot describe. The child literally did not sleep for more than 45 minutes at a time for the first 3 years of his life. Being single at that point was an absolutely terrifying proposition to me. And I believed in forgiveness, and he seemed sorry. He told his friend and me. I wouldn't ever have found out if he hadn't said anything. Or maybe his friends wife would have told me, as we had been casually friends too, so perhaps in retrospect that prompted his confession. Or maybe he didn't even confess to his friend, maybe his friends wife did. At this point I have no idea, come to think of it!

Plus by that point, he'd worn my self esteem down to a nub. I really did believe it was my fault for not being a good enough wife. People stay in abusive relationships for a reason, which if I were to guess why I stayed, its because they don't realize it's abusive! It started out well enough for me. Sure, there was pressure, but I figured all guys did that. Before too long though, the subtil comments he made about what a wife should do for her husband had become Truth to me. So by the time he confessed his affair to me, I really did feel as though it was my fault.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Not odd to me. You have gone a long time without a GOOD relationship and you miss it. Nothing unusual or bad about that. 

You were abused and had a terrible experience, but it hasn't destroyed your capacity for love and intimacy. That's a very good thing!





Bellaballoo said:


> snip
> Although it is odd.. while I don't want another the relationship, at times I do feel like just going out and having a fling. Why I would want that when I still have nightmares about sex makes no sense to me.
> snip


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

A "fling" with a decent lover might be just what the doctor ordered 


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## introvert (May 30, 2016)

Bellaballoo said:


> Yes, unfortunately I see him quite a lot, due to kids, and I've wondered if I have PTSD. IBut I'm always questioning if it was really bad enough to cause that. In retrospect, my nightmare was probably precipitated with _him pushing boundaries lately and letting himself into my house when I'm not home._
> 
> _So, I've read a few threads here where people have differences in sexual desire from their spouse, and it does cause a great deal of misery. _Sometimes I can't help but wonder if his bhaviour wasn't actually justified as I wasn't meeting his needs. How can a husband treat his wife lovingly if he feels neglected?


First, change your locks. Even if you share custody of the kids, he has no right entering your home when you are not there. You can find an online video that explains the how to's of this easily, if not, find a locksmith or handy man to do this. What your ex is doing is not okay.

Secondly, sexual incompatibility does cause a lot of misery. I wouldn't call your ex a sex addict (I would love sex multiple times a day, everyday, and I'm into a lot of kink, but not a sex addict) but the two of you were simply not a match. He was wrong to continue to push you to do things that were verboten to you. 
Often, people don't hash out their sexual needs before marriage, as in how often and what types of things they enjoy. You were both young, and you both probably assumed things would work out.

Nothing can mend your old relationship, but you can be proactive in your future relationships. Talk about how often you would like sex, and what your boundaries and dislikes are with future potential partners. You will both save yourself a ton of grief.

I wish you the best...


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## Bellaballoo (Jul 13, 2017)

introvert said:


> First, change your locks. Even if you share custody of the kids, he has no right entering your home when you are not there. You can find an online video that explains the how to's of this easily, if not, find a locksmith or handy man to do this. What your ex is doing is not okay.
> 
> Secondly, sexual incompatibility does cause a lot of misery. I wouldn't call your ex a sex addict (I would love sex multiple times a day, everyday, and I'm into a lot of kink, but not a sex addict) but the two of you were simply not a match. He was wrong to continue to push you to do things that were verboten to you.
> Often, people don't hash out their sexual needs before marriage, as in how often and what types of things they enjoy. You were both young, and you both probably assumed things would work out.
> ...


I did, trouble is the kids need a key. So now I have a padlock on the front gate so he would have to climb!

I wouldn't have called him a sex addict either - however after we had separated, we tried counselling with a sex therapist. She worked with him and me separately for many hours, and was quite convinced he was. A person can like lots of sex and kinky stuff and definitely not be an addict. I think with him though, he was fixated on it, and would hurt others to get those needs met. Perhaps that's the difference?

I think we hoped things would work out. I know I sure did! And I'd like to think his idea of things working out wasn't just getting me to "submit", but unfortunately, I rather think it was. 

If I can get to a point where I trust myself to have a future relationship, and can get past these awful dreams, I will certainly have a lot of discussion before committing. But I think that's a long ways off.


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## introvert (May 30, 2016)

Therapists are human, and prone to their own opinions. Just because a therapist thinks your ex is an addict, that doesn't make him so. I am sexually "fixated", but not an addict. It's a big deal to me to have sex, but I wouldn't do anything crazy to have sex, like doing other people randomly.

Good for you, re: the padlock!

Take your time concerning future relationships.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

@Bellaballoo you have definitely been traumatized and none of it was your fault. Period.

In relationships there is often a sexual mismatch - sometimes due to preferences, sometimes as people change... many reasons.

In a healthy relationship, one might even "push" their SO toward their point of view or challenge them to try something new. That's ok and frankly I think it's a manifestation of a healthy relationship - when one partner is seeking to have the other grow with them.

Pushing can include talks, showing books or magazines, sharing videos, etc. It should be about dialog which includes talking and listening.

Many times the uncertain partner will try something to please their spouse. 

Your situation had many of these things / steps, and you feel that objectively they are reasonable accommodations to make in a relationship.

That probably why you're second guessing yourself.

The difference, though, is intent, respect, mutual goals, and shared interest. These are elements of mature love IMO

I would never add pouting, glaring, shouting, emotional abuse, silence... those are intended to coerce and punish. Those are NOT elements of love

In the end, it sounds like you are a reasonable, accommodating, responsible, loving person and your EXH is not. And he took advantage of your character and made you believe it was your fault.

A therapist (or many if it takes a while who specializes in spousal abuse and CSA) would really help you to accept that he has abused you and you need to work through that so you can one day trust again.

I think that's very important so you can help your kids see what a healthy relationship looks like, even if you only maintain OS friendships (as opposed to intimate relationships) - they need to see healthy, respectful, loving interactions IMO

Sorry you're here


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## Bellaballoo (Jul 13, 2017)

TheTruthHurts said:


> @Bellaballoo you have definitely been traumatized and none of it was your fault. Period.
> 
> In relationships there is often a sexual mismatch - sometimes due to preferences, sometimes as people change... many reasons.
> 
> ...


Thanks for your reply. The support from here has been so helpful. I've been struggling pretty severely with anxiety and depression, and just feeling so confused about all the hows and whys of what happened and why I'm such a wreck. I used to be a pretty optimistic person, and could name a million things I was grateful for at any given time. I don't even recognize myself anymore and I just really want my mind back as I feel I can't stop brooding over this lately. 

One of the things that has prevented me from getting help is just not knowing if I was being over sensitive or a drama queen. So it's been helpful to hear other people think the way I was treated was very wrong. It didn't fit with my perception of what abuse is, I suppose. But somewhere in me, I think I wondered if it was a long time ago. When he was doing things to me that I didn't want, I would imagine I was elsewhere, or repeat little mantra's inside my head, trying to convince myself to just try to relax and enjoy, because this was supposed to be a good experience. Sometimes I'd have to hide from him that I was crying during sex because I knew he would get so angry if I just told him to stop that I just couldn't. I didn't realize the long term toll this would have on my own mental health. I thought I was doing the right thing - best to stay together for the sake of the kids, and it's a wife's duty to satisfy her husband, and all that. 

I have found a service in town that provides free counselling for women who are victims of sexual violence. I have a hard time believing I belong there, but my nightmares tell me otherwise. People here tell me otherwise. And beyond that, I can't continue living like this, so it's my goal this week to go there and fill out an intake form. I know the waitlist is significant, but it's a start. As much as I hate to spend money on myself, I will also make some phone calls and see if I can't find something int he meantime.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

My wife volunteered for many years at the local rape crisis center. The stories are harrowing, and I could not believe how often she got a call in the middle of the night to come to the hospital and hold a victim's hand while they treated her.

Still, it was a warm and welcoming community for people in terrible pain. I hope you find a counsellor or a community that helps bring you peace.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Bellaballoo said:


> I have found a service in town that provides free counselling for women who are victims of sexual violence. I have a hard time believing I belong there, but my nightmares tell me otherwise. People here tell me otherwise. And beyond that, I can't continue living like this, so it's my goal this week to go there and fill out an intake form. I know the waitlist is significant, but it's a start. * As much as I hate to spend money on myself, I will also make some phone calls and see if I can't find something int he meantime*.


One of my best friends is a general and family therapist in private practice. She often charges on an income-based sliding scale, and also has at least one or two pro-bono cases at a time. Many therapists will take on clients who can't afford to pay much, or anything at all, if there's a real need. So you may be able to find someone locally who operates in that fashion. It doesn't hurt to ask. Someone at the local women's shelter, at family services, at a victims' advocacy organization, or even your divorce attorney's office might be able to give you a recommendation. Call around and see if there's a good local therapist who charges (or at least sometimes agrees to do so) on a sliding scale. 

Also, do be aware that many insurance plans will cover mental health services, including private therapists. If you have insurance, that might be something to look into.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Sweetheart, I have no experience with this, and therefore can't offer advice. I just want to say I am so sorry for the sexual abuse you experienced and I wish peace and happiness to you and your kids, and a much better future without this man.


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