# Emotional Affair...what do I do



## canapetrois (Jul 1, 2014)

My wife of 9 years encouraged us to move to a different country for a different life. I was first to move and she followed six months later with the kids. I discovered that she had been exchanging sexy text messages with a former colleague of hers at work and even sent him a sexy picture of her(he keeps sending her messages about how her thighs and breasts looked good in this picture). I confronted her and she said it was nothing but an innocent flirt and that she was sorry about it and regretted that it had a negative impact on our relationship. After that I didn't trust her and kept monitoring her phone, which she put a password on and now holds more closely on her. I installed a mobile app on her phone. I found that she still kept the sexy talk with this former work-mate. I also found that she's also exchanging these flirty messages with her ex-boyfriend...even sending each other pornographic pictures and videos. I used to hold her in so much trust but now I don't. We still stay together and do all the things couples do but this is eating me so much. I feel like I can't tell her and I'm not sure what happened the period we were separate from each other.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

canapetrois said:


> My wife of 9 years encouraged us to move to a different country for a different life. I was first to move and she followed six months later with the kids. I discovered that she had been exchanging sexy text messages with a former colleague of hers at work and even sent him a sexy picture of her(he keeps sending her messages about how her thighs and breasts looked good in this picture). I confronted her and she said it was nothing but an innocent flirt and that she was sorry about it and regretted that it had a negative impact on our relationship. After that I didn't trust her and kept monitoring her phone, which she put a password on and now holds more closely on her. I installed a mobile app on her phone. I found that she still kept the sexy talk with this former work-mate. I also found that she's also exchanging these flirty messages with her ex-boyfriend...even sending each other pornographic pictures and videos. I used to hold her in so much trust but now I don't. We still stay together and do all the things couples do but this is eating me so much. I feel like I can't tell her and I'm not sure what happened the period we were separate from each other.


Gather all the evidence that you can and back it up in two different offsite cloud-based locations i.e. Dropbox, Google Drive, SugarSync, etc. Keep a local copy on an external hard drive or USB thumb drive, but don't let her hide it.

Once you've done this, confront her and tell her what you know, but not how you know it. Tell her that, if she doesn't cut off all contact w/ this guy, and re-commit herself to you, your marriage, and your family, you're done, and that divorce will be in her immediate future.


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## canapetrois (Jul 1, 2014)

I have all the documentation, I installed an app on her phone and that's how I've been able to confirm all this. How do I insist on a commitment to the marriage from her without looking desperate?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

you can't.

It has to come from her. 

File for divorce.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

She needs a massive wakeup, so file for D and don't tell her.
After she is served, and come pleading, demand access to all and every, along with no contact.
Also tell her parents exactly what she did.

All this will shock the heck out of her, but it will show her she don't call the shots, you do, and is willing to cut her butt loose.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

canapetrois said:


> I have all the documentation, I installed an app on her phone and that's how I've been able to confirm all this. How do I insist on a commitment to the marriage from her without looking desperate?


Put simply, you do it w/o *being* desperate. Like this...



GusPolinski said:


> ...confront her and tell her what you know, but not how you know it. Tell her that, if she doesn't cut off all contact w/ this guy, and re-commit herself to you, your marriage, and your family, you're done, and that divorce will be in her immediate future.


You have to mean ^this when you say it, and you have to have the fortitude to back up the threat w/ action if she chooses to ignore you. It really is just as simple as that, even if it doesn't seem that way to you right now.

It would probably be best for you to find and consult an attorney now so that you're prepared to move forward w/ divorce if necessary. And, sadly, it probably will be.

Having said that, you don't have to continue w/ the divorce once it's filed, but I wouldn't tell her that. If she changes her tune, turns things around, and then starts doing and saying all the right things, you can bring the divorce to a halt.

Again, find and consult an attorney.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Tell her to make the choice whether she chooses to be a divorced cheater or a faithful wife. Give her until the end of the day.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

All of the above is good advice and I would follow it. I also would suggest 2 additional things:


Disconnect her cell phone service. She has proven that she is not responsible enough to have one, and
Take all the e-mails, texts and photos you have and send them to her parents and siblings. Let them know the wonderful person their daughter/sister has become.



canapetrois said:


> I have all the documentation, I installed an app on her phone and that's how I've been able to confirm all this. How do I insist on a commitment to the marriage from her without looking desperate?


You follow my advice and expose her behavior


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

The Middleman said:


> All of the above is good advice and I would follow it. I also would suggest 2 additional things:
> 
> 
> Disconnect her cell phone service. She has proven that she is not responsible enough to have one, and
> ...


Uhhh... They've got kids and are currently in a country that is not their own, so I'd advise against disconnecting the cell service. Definitely consider disabling some features, downgrading her devices (i.e. go from smartphone to a very basic cell phone), and/or blocking certain numbers, though.

As far as exposure goes, if he's looking to reconcile, he should probably hold off on sharing the pics and texts. It should be more than enough to expose the behavior and give a general timeline w/o bathing everyone in all of the sordid details.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> Uhhh... They've got kids and are currently in a country that is not their own, so I'd advise against disconnecting the cell service. Definitely consider disabling some features, downgrading her devices (i.e. go from smartphone to a very basic cell phone), and/or blocking certain numbers, though.


You have a point, but bare minimum service only. Just as important as cutting her access to the OMs is sending a strong message to her.



GusPolinski said:


> As far as exposure goes, if he's looking to reconcile, he should probably hold off on sharing the pics and texts. It should be more than enough to expose the behavior and give a general timeline w/o bathing everyone in all of the sordid details.


This part I don't agree on at all. Kids or no kids, her behavior needs to be shown in all it's glory. Also, you know what they say: "A picture is worth a thousand words" ... Just ask Anthony Weiner


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

"A picture is worth a thousand words" ... Just ask Anthony Weiner 
:iagree::iagree:


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

If the roles were reversed would she be acting like you and being so fearful to even talk about it? If you do not respect yourself then who will?


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

canapetrois said:


> We still stay together and do all the things couples do but this is eating me so much.
> 
> I feel like I can't tell her and I'm not sure what happened the period we were separate from each other.


OP,

To your first statement. If you've already made your mind up to stay with her; that's a huge mistake. Better your mind set be that you heading for divorce unless she earns her way back. Her wages are a demonstration of unconditional remorse and complete transparency. 

To your second. Of course you can tell her. Your anger should be making you chomp at the bit to tell her. Don't let your fear of divorce allow you to rug sweep what she did. If cheating partners don't accept and endure consequences for their actions, then two things will likely happen:

1 - You will be headed for a miserable, false R limbo. 

2 - She will be much more likely to continue cheating.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

:iagree:


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## ShootMePlz! (Oct 5, 2008)

A IC/MC said something to the effect that after an affair the only way to save a marriage you have to be absolutely willing to end it!!


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

canapetrois said:


> My wife of 9 years encouraged us to move to a different country for a different life. I was first to move and she followed six months later with the kids. I discovered that she had been exchanging sexy text messages with a former colleague of hers at work and even sent him a sexy picture of her(he keeps sending her messages about how her thighs and breasts looked good in this picture). I confronted her and she said it was nothing but an innocent flirt and that she was sorry about it and regretted that it had a negative impact on our relationship. After that I didn't trust her and kept monitoring her phone, which she put a password on and now holds more closely on her. I installed a mobile app on her phone. I found that she still kept the sexy talk with this former work-mate. I also found that she's also exchanging these flirty messages with her ex-boyfriend...even sending each other pornographic pictures and videos. I used to hold her in so much trust but now I don't. We still stay together and do all the things couples do but this is eating me so much. I feel like I can't tell her and I'm not sure what happened the period we were separate from each other.


No this is NOT flirty. Yes you should have some concern about the time you were gone. Also this goes beyond one person. She is out there.

But pictures and videos are a whole other level of unfaithfulness. EAs are more romantic in nature that can turn overtly sexual. These seem more sexual period. And I think EAs would tend to be more one at a time.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Comes down to this. Your wife is cheating. Sending dirty texts to another guy is cheating cut and dry.

You told her to stop and she thumbed your nose at you and continued so since she wont stop then it's time you take charge of the situation. 

Show her your proof and let her know that your done and your filing for divorce and if she has anything to say, tell her to talk to your attorney.

Now it's up to her. If she wants the marriage to work, then she's the one who has to make the improvements not you. 

I also agree with some of the other people when they say, cut the phone service to incoming or out going calls and nothing more and let her know that if she has a password on her phone, it comes off and stays off and if she says no, then you know that she has no intentions of stopping. 

Do not give her any wiggle room and let her know that as of right now, she has on foot on a banana peel and the other foot in the grave.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

canapetrois said:


> I discovered that she had been exchanging sexy text messages with a former colleague of hers at work and even sent him a sexy picture of her(he keeps sending her messages about how her thighs and breasts looked good in this picture). I confronted her and she said it was nothing but an innocent flirt and that she was sorry about it and regretted that it had a negative impact on our relationship.


 Sending sexy messages and pictures is not innocent flirting, it is cheating. Additionally, saying that she is sorry that her cheating "had a negative impact on our relationship" is not the same as saying that she is sorry that she cheated. Basically she is saying that the issue is not that she did anything wrong, but that it bothers you. Using standard cheaters logic, since she is not doing anything wrong that you have a right to demand that she stop doing, and the issue is your hurt feelings, she just needs to be better at taking it underground so as to not hurt your feelings.



canapetrois said:


> she put a password on and now holds more closely on her.


 You should demand full no contact (NC) with any of her other men, and full transpancy which would include all passwords without complaint and an agreement not to delete anything without showing it to you. Do not let her talk about privacy because in healthy marriages the only privacy that you should expect is when you are in the bathroom.


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## canapetrois (Jul 1, 2014)

Would it be a good idea to contact the people she flirted with?...expose all of them in a chat user group


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

canapetrois said:


> Would it be a good idea to contact the people she flirted with?...expose all of them in a chat user group


Yes!!!
You have nothing to lose.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

canapetrois said:


> Would it be a good idea to contact the people she flirted with?...expose all of them in a chat user group


And let them know that you forwarded the xrated pics and chats to their wives the day before.


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