# I love my husband, made a mistake, how do I fix this?



## Person91

I guess I'll start with how this happened....
I never thought I'd be "one of those Military wives", My husband is deployed and a co worker of mine started showing me a lot of attention. He would compliment my looks, kiss my hand and give me pecks on the cheek. He said he just wanted me to be happy, and if he went too far to let him know. Long story short he found out that my neck is very sensitive and touching it can turn me on, and I couldn't bring myself to say "stop" 
He and a couple friends came over after work and we had a great time, he was the last one to leave. We started to make out and I couldn't help but enjoy it. The whole time I was thinking "I have to stop this, I can't allow this, I'm a horrible wife for letting it get this far, just say stop, just say it!" But like the idiot I am I allowed it to go on for awhile, every now and then I would pull away, each time I did he asked if he should leave, and what I wanted, what I needed.
I never had an answer beyond "I don't know"
When he left I told him this couldn't happen again.
I worked with him today, and he has respected that wish.

I know what I did was wrong
I know I'm an awful wife for allowing this
I know I give a bad name to Military wives
Nothing you can say can make me feel worse than I do right now, I promise.

I love my husband with all my heart. I want to make things right. It being my husband is deployed, he won't know till he comes home. He has a job to do, and I refuse to be a coward about this and tell him in a letter, or over the phone. If my husband is to know about this, it will be from me. 
I will force myself to look him in the eyes, I deserve at least that.
*I'm* to blame for this, and *I* need to fix this.

I guess what I'm asking for is advice. Any advice you have is welcome.  Please, I need help


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## kallywana

Did you sleep with him?


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## Person91

No, I didn't sleep with this guy. I still feel like I've betrayed my husband, though.


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## lordmayhem

*Quit your job....TODAY*. 

*Go NC with this coworker immediately and stick to it*. 

You have very low personal boundaries, time to redefine them and raise them. You are a married woman and let another man who isn't your relative kiss you on the cheek? Are you freaking serious? 

Then you have better tell your BH about this and be prepared to be transparent. This means handing over any and all passwords to any accounts and your cell phone. You broke his trust and its YOUR job to regain it by being transparent in all things. 

Geez, any man on the prowl can show a woman a lot of attention when he wants to get in her pants. That's courtship and you allowed this man to court you. And you got a thrill out of being pursued.


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## lordmayhem

kallywana said:


> Did you sleep with him?


Valid question. I tire of these stories where the WW/WH says they "made out". What are you, in high school or something? What does this mean exactly? Did you give him a BJ or a HJ? Did you dry hump him? Did he finger you? Regardless, this has gone beyond an EA into the PA realm.

And who are these couple of friends? Are they coworkers? Did they know about this?


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## lordmayhem

Person91 said:


> No, I didn't sleep with this guy. I still feel like I've betrayed my husband, though.


Umm...No. You *HAVE* betrayed your husband.


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## kallywana

l know you love your husband so much. Please do not try to write or tell your husband abount it over the fone. First ask God to forgive you, then forgive yourself and stop wallowing in regrets, it has already happened. You can tell your husband only if you know he loves you and can forgive you anything. Men are very jealous and do not want to share their wifes, or else l will advice that you let the sleeping dog lies. And let bygone be bygone or lest the man is try to blackmail you.

Please, since you are easily aroused sexually avoid putting yourself in any form of evil or compromising situation. You are a married woman and should show and carry yourself with lots of respect.


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## Person91

k problem with quitting this job
I'm an independent contractor at a theater, we just opened, and have 20 more shows.
I would prefer not to go into more detail about what happened, technically that's between me, that guy, and my husband.


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## Person91

kallywana- I'm not really Christian..... fyi..... 
I know my husband loves me, I think he might forgive me, but I just want to make this as easy for him as I can, he deserves better.
oh and I can't see this guy blackmailing me.


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## kallywana

K, tell him face to face because you have to let know how sorry you are.


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## lordmayhem

Person91 said:


> k problem with quitting this job
> I'm an independent contractor at a theater, we just opened, and have 20 more shows.


Then you write a No Contact letter immediately to this OM, and make it known in no uncertain terms that he's never to contact you or be near you again.



Person91 said:


> I would prefer not to go into more detail about what happened, technically that's between me, that guy, and my husband.


When your BH gets over his initial shock and denial, he's going to want the details and you had better give him full disclosure, or else he's going to continue to hurt and not heal and the hate and resentment will build up and then R will be near impossible then.


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## Person91

I planned on telling my husband anything and everything, I'm just not going to blab it to the entirety of the internet.


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## Sindo

You are going to need some way of assuring your husband that you will not be seeing or communicating with OM again. Your husband will have a hard time rebuilding trust in you as it is (if he even can). If you cannot quit, please seriously consider a NC letter, as lordmayhem suggested.


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## undecided

Person91 said:


> k problem with quitting this job
> I'm an independent contractor at a theater, we just opened, and have 20 more shows.
> I would prefer not to go into more detail about what happened, technically that's between me, that guy, and my husband.


Good on you for trying to fix this and not brushing it away. Im sure people arent trying to be all nosy but they asked for the details so they can give you better advice.


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## Halien

Sounds like the only answer you could give this guy was "I don't know," when it comes to stopping him. Interestingly, many women have sensitive necks, but don't use this as an excuse for betraying the marriage vows, which, incidentally, occured when you let the other man stay alone - since only a very naive person wouldn't know his intentions. If you really want advice, I'd say that your husband needs to hear that you have the ability to say "NO!" clearly and early, well before the kissing of your neck comes into the equation. Of course, he will think of it as betrayal, and of course it will haunt him for a very long time. Just be preparred to explain how you'll convince him that this was the only time, since you'll keep being around the other man. That's a good place to start.


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## Initfortheduration

Oh, and I am sure when your husband knows he was messing with your neck, that will completely explain the reason for cheating on him. It's such a bummer. A guy risks his life in war and his wife cheats on him. You see now when he thinks of his time proudly serving, he will immediately remember that the one he was fighting for was home cheating on him. It basically ruins that time of his life and his memories.


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## Shaggy

The guy will be back for more. You didn't cut him off, but you played the passive "we shouldn't do this" crap. You made a conscious choice to do this - so don't ever fall back on the "I couldn't help myself" stuff.

But know this- the guy will lay low for a couple of days, and he will return for more from you. He will perhaps wait until you've had a couple of drinks, he will push and push and push.

the question is: What are you going to do about this? what are you going to do now, and when he tries it again.

Know that even if you push him away once, he will return again.

why ? Because you've shown to him that your words of "no, we shouldn't" don't mean you won't. 

I'm not trying to be mean here - I'm warning you about what is to come so you can make a plan on dealing with it.


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## Shaggy

And when your husband asks for details I suggest the following:

1. Tell him everything , the first time. Do not soften anything, do not blame anyone buy you. But tell him honestly every detail he asks.

2. Do not hide who the OM is. Do not protect the OM, and do not hide behind the idea of protecting your husband from doing something stupid.

3. If your husband asks you to do anything , quit your job, leave the friends that hang with this POSOM, do it . without question.

In the mean time: You must end all contact with the OM, and you must never socialize with the group he is in.

yeah, you're giving up a lot because of your choice "to make out with him", but you deserve to loose things for this. They are called consequences.

Also if any thing beyond kiss happened, and it sounds like it did since you downplayed the kissing that started out the incident as just the prelude - go get yourself and STD test and show the paper to your husband.


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## warlock07

If I touch your neck, will it turn you on? Obviously not. So the attraction is there. Don't deny it. Avoid situations where you might slip up at least until you tell your husband. 

P.S : How did he find out the stuff about your neck? You might be well into a EA if you allowed him to go that far.


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## Jellybeans

warlock07 said:


> P.S : How did he find out the stuff about your neck?


Because she told him. Duh.


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## deiswoman

That's good that immediately you saw it as a bad thing. I would first ignore these haters, now listen to some real advice. My husband has an emotional disorder--bipolarism. I know what it's like to long for love when it's either geographically or emotionally inaccessible. Everyone wants to be love by someone who is physically and emotionally present and modern lifestyles don't always support this instinct. So, don't be hard on yourself. What happened could have been much worse, as you know. 

First, your coworker is a user. Plenty of men have fantasized about married women but only the users, losers, and womanizers pursue them. Remove yourself from the danger and get physically and geographically away from the user. Request a transfer to another department or look for a new job. If you are comfortable, you might talk to your boss about the issue. You don't have to tell them what happened, but just that you're feeling some feelings you don't feel comfortable with.

Next, get emotionally re-attached to your husband. Strengthen the bond before he comes home. Assemble a scrapbook about your love story and decorate your work area and home with your photos so that others will get that they'd ruin a good thing. Increase the letters and Skype calls. Pray for him and spend more time in your military wife support group or circle of friends. Surely some of them have gone through the same thing and can offer you the kind of insights that will set your mind at ease.

Finally, when he comes home, don't tell him until you feel the anxieties of what he's experienced have subsided and your attachment bond is refreshed and strong. Have a therapy appointment lined up the days before you tell him. You might also wait until the appointment to tell him. He may be thinking it's worse than it is and therapist can be a buffer to any of the more violent reactions he might have--you never know. Continued counseling might be necessary to heal any permanent trust issues that could result. When you really love someone, imagining them with someone else is really painful.

In spite of what people think, love can survive infidelity or even flirtations with it. Often the people involved realize that the temptation was false advertisement for something happy that in the end proved to be something repulsive. In healthy relationships, the cheater can make this case to the one they've betrayed and the one they've betrayed can take them back if they are also secure in the relationship otherwise. If you listen to your partner's feelings and make it clear that you made changes, and learned a valuable lesson from the experience, he has no reason not to trust you.


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## Arnold

I think you have a moral obligation to tell your H of the cheating asap. Right now, he is conducting himself as if you have a valid contract between you. Perhaps he is forgoing opportunities with women in reliance on the vow of fidelity you two made.
Obviously, since you unilaterally broke the contract, it is no longer valid. You need to tell him that hs is no longer obligated to remain faithful.
If you do not do this right away, you are , in effect, stealing some of his precious time here on this earth, time that he might want to spend finding someone else.
It is not fair that you are free to explore your feelings and attraction for other men, while he , in the dark as he is, forgoes similar opportunities.


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## Halien

deiswoman said:


> That's good that immediately you saw it as a bad thing. I would first ignore these haters, now listen to some real advice. .


Interesting! So, how does one avoid the label of being a hater? By declaring that infidelity is an acceptable form of self-expression while the husband is away in the service? 

How about putting this into the context of the betrayed spouse, and how he will most likely respond when he hears the scenario presented here? I'd suspect that he's not going to get all warm and fuzzy, as your post seems to make out infidelity, just by a verbal acknowledgement that it was a bad thing to do. He is incredibly lonely too. I think his response will be less esoteric. Maybe you can save a 'hater' badge for him, too.


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## Jellybeans

Haters gonna hate.

Sorry. Couldn't help myself


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## Arnold

I've never understod throwing out the hater label. Same with " bitter" or "judgemental".It is as if these feelings are inappropriate.
of course people here are going to hate the act of cheating. And, it is just plain idiotic to object to someone being bitter or judgemental. What normal healthy individual would not feel bitter about having been abused like thuis?What normal, halfway bright individual would suspend judgement of this act? We use our judgement everyday. It is what guides us.


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## Badblood

Person91, Yes, you betrayed your husband, and no, it wasn't a mistake, it was your choice to engage in physical contact. The OM didn't accidentally kiss your neck, did he? You didn't accidentally let him put his hands on you, did you? A mistake is when you don't balance your checkbook, what you did was a deliberate act of disloyalty. You are a cheater, congratulations.


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## Badblood

I think what posters want to know is not what you did ( nobody wants the details), but how far it went. Did you have any sex at all? If it was just kissing, that's one thing, but if you let him feel you up, or gave him a HJ or BJ, ( anything involving his genitalia or yours) that is sex and is quite another thing. We can't give you good advice without good info.


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## Jellybeans

She said they did not have sex. Someone already asked.


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## FrankKissel

Arnold said:


> I think you have a moral obligation to tell your H of the cheating asap. Right now, he is conducting himself as if you have a valid contract between you. Perhaps he is forgoing opportunities with women in reliance on the vow of fidelity you two made.
> Obviously, since you unilaterally broke the contract, it is no longer valid. You need to tell him that hs is no longer obligated to remain faithful.
> If you do not do this right away, you are , in effect, stealing some of his precious time here on this earth, time that he might want to spend finding someone else.
> It is not fair that you are free to explore your feelings and attraction for other men, while he , in the dark as he is, forgoes similar opportunities.


This is a terrible idea, IMO. If her husband is in a war zone - or perhaps even not - the last thing he needs is to be severely distracted by something like this. That kind of distraction could very well put the lives of himself and others in jeopardy. And for what possible benefit? How does it help for him to know this now when he hundreds/thousands of miles from home and not in a position to deal with it in a reasonable manner. 
And the reasoning you offer is nearly as bad. He should know so that he can seize the opportunity to get laid outside of the marriage? Two wrongs now make a right?

The OP does indeed have an obligation to be honest. She also has an obligation to do it at the proper time in the proper situation. 

Also, I realize that piling on the unfaithful is a popular pastime here - for good reason in some instances - but the OP seems nothing but sincere and remorseful. What possible benefit is there to beating up on her further? You say it's normal to be bitter about this kind of abuse? Sure, for the BS it is. Not sure why anyone here should be. She didn't break vows with any of us.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Person91

Badblood said:


> I think what posters want to know is not what you did ( nobody wants the details), but how far it went. Did you have any sex at all? If it was just kissing, that's one thing, but if you let him feel you up, or gave him a HJ or BJ, ( anything involving his genitalia or yours) that is sex and is quite another thing. We can't give you good advice without good info.


Just kissing, nothing else.

And to those who feel the need to point out the obvious that I'm an awful wife, and such please refer back to the beginning of the thread where I said "nothing you say can make me feel worse" You're wasting your time telling me things I already know about myself. I'm under no delusion that anything I did that night was right. I know that I am to blame for this happening. I know that I'm an idiot and a moron and the list goes on and on. 

What I'm asking for is advice, I know my husband and I have a relationship that can survive this, I know that we love each other more than anything else in the world. So I'm asking for help and advice on what I need to do before he gets home, and while he's home. and any advice on how to tell him would be nice too.


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## deiswoman

Halien said:


> Interesting! So, how does one avoid the label of being a hater? By declaring that infidelity is an acceptable form of self-expression while the husband is away in the service?
> 
> How about putting this into the context of the betrayed spouse, and how he will most likely respond when he hears the scenario presented here? I'd suspect that he's not going to get all warm and fuzzy, as your post seems to make out infidelity, just by a verbal acknowledgement that it was a bad thing to do. He is incredibly lonely too. I think his response will be less esoteric. Maybe you can save a 'hater' badge for him, too.


Haters: those who ride the moral high horse with no intention to help or do good to others beyond themselves.


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## Shaggy

deiswoman said:


> Haters: those who ride the moral high horse with no intention to help or do good to others beyond themselves.


Throwing around the haters card: a dishonest way of discrediting people with views different than your own,

Btw, I haven't seen hate here, just advice and folks agreeing with her wn admissions.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Halien

Person91 said:


> What I'm asking for is advice, I know my husband and I have a relationship that can survive this, I know that we love each other more than anything else in the world. So I'm asking for help and advice on what I need to do before he gets home, and while he's home. and any advice on how to tell him would be nice too.


In my opinion, if he is a normal man, the story, as you told it, will not work for him. I've never been in a situation where my wife has cheated, so I think the advice doesn't serve any pupose other than a basic sanity check from a guy's point of view. Guys are very practical for the most part. He would want to see true remorse(sounds like this is evident), completely owning up to your part in what happened (this was blamed on a sensitive neck?), and some realistic assurance that you can say no in the future (like avoiding the other guy completely). Give him that, and most guys can get to a place of forgiving.


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## seeking sanity

I have a different take:

Don't tell your husband. That's on the big condition that it was only kissing. If it was more, you have to tell.

Don't tell him, find a way out of the work commitment you are in, get the OM out of your life, and use this guilt to be a damn good wife. Consider yourself lucky you avoided a train wreck. But don't you dare put your husband in a position to every be around OM, or god forbid, befriend him somehow, because if he does find out after he'll feel even more betrayed.


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## Person91

Shaggy said:


> Throwing around the haters card: a dishonest way of discrediting people with views different than your own,
> 
> Btw, I haven't seen hate here, just advice and folks agreeing with her wn admissions.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Which I don't need, I don't need to know all the stuff I've already beat myself up over, I don't need to be judged, I need to be helped, I need to know what I need to do to help heal my marriage in every way I can. I don't need to know what I've done, I need to know what to do.


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## Halien

deiswoman said:


> Haters: those who ride the moral high horse with no intention to help or do good to others beyond themselves.


Tell me, o' psychic one, how does my reply help myself? Did you conjure that I'm married to a bipolar also, yet I would never, ever use the inherent loneliness to somehow justify cheating when posting a reply?


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## Shaggy

Person91 said:


> Which I don't need, I don't need to know all the stuff I've already beat myself up over, I don't need to be judged, I need to be helped, I need to know what I need to do to help heal my marriage in every way I can. I don't need to know what I've done, I need to know what to do.


Ok, then think about what hubby is going to worry about and make sure you deal with it.

1. Is it only as far as she said
2. Was it really only one time
3. Is she still seeing him
4. Is he going to find a away to hook up with her again?
5. Is she still hanging out with him
6. Are they still in contact
7. Is she really remorseful
8. Where is she right now?
9. Are there other guys? His do I know?

Now most of these will be dealt with by you being totally honest with him. Do not trickle truth, do not down play.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FrankKissel

Shaggy said:


> Throwing around the haters card: a dishonest way of discrediting people with views different than your own,
> 
> Btw, I haven't seen hate here, just advice and folks agreeing with her wn admissions.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I hate the 'haters' card, but clearly there are some responses/responders in this thread that serve no purpose other than to tell the OP she did something awful. A fact to which she's already confessed. I fail to see how telling her this - and only this (i.e. offering nothing substantive besides scolding) - does her or her husband any good.
She knows she messed up. She knows she has to make it right. What she doesn't know is how.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Almostrecovered

Person91 said:


> Which I don't need, I don't need to know all the stuff I've already beat myself up over, I don't need to be judged, I need to be helped, I need to know what I need to do to help heal my marriage in every way I can. I don't need to know what I've done, I need to know what to do.



you do need it

you need to understand the betrayed to help them and do the heavy lifting that is required to help your husband heal


1) do not give any trickle truth whatsoever
tell the whole story and don't leave things out because you're too afraid to hurt him
when you met, how you met, how often, how you communicated, where it happened, and why you did it (and don't blame him whatsoever, it was all you to cheat) when it ended, etc all needs to come out. In order for him to rebuild her trust in you he can't have any more "surprises".

2) Offer up the following if he wants to work it out-

a) hand write a no contact letter to send to the OM. Let your husband see it and approve of it before sending. You must tell the OM that your relationship with your husband is more important to you than him and as such you want no more contact ever again with this man. (If he is a coworker then start looking for a new job) If he ever contacts you again then you must ignore it and tell him of the contact right away. Even though the affair is over you still need to do this as it shows your husband the final words you are saying to the OM and that it is indeed over.
b) offer complete transparency, allow him access to your passwords and emails and phone texts and bills, stay in contact in regards to your whereabouts
c) start showing true remorse to him- were there problems pre-affair? of course, but the affair itself was 100% your choice and fault. Do NOT blame him for the affair in any way shape or form. Yes you need to tell him the reasons why you did what you did (and why you acted selfishly) , but in no way say things like, "well if you did X, I wouldn't have..." and things like that. Yes, pre-affair problems should get their due, but your husband is bleeding in the road and needs you to do the major lifting right now. If he needs to talk about it, then don't avoid it. If he needs affection then give it, make him the high priority now. If he has to ask the same questions over and over again or spy on you then let him it do and say how you understand. His confidence will be shot to hell and he will wonder what the OM had that he couldn't provide- you need answers that will put the onus on yourself and not him. He needs to understand that it wasn't his fault or anything he could have done.


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## working_together

Person91 said:


> Just kissing, nothing else.
> 
> And to those who feel the need to point out the obvious that I'm an awful wife, and such please refer back to the beginning of the thread where I said "nothing you say can make me feel worse" You're wasting your time telling me things I already know about myself. I'm under no delusion that anything I did that night was right. I know that I am to blame for this happening. I know that I'm an idiot and a moron and the list goes on and on.
> 
> What I'm asking for is advice, I know my husband and I have a relationship that can survive this, I know that we love each other more than anything else in the world. So I'm asking for help and advice on what I need to do before he gets home, and while he's home. and any advice on how to tell him would be nice too.


I also thought my husband loved me more than anyone else in the world, and that we could "get through this", boy was I wrong.

be careful when you justify your messing around, that you have no control because you have a sensitive neck. You're not taking complete responsibility.

You never know if your marriage will survive this if it has never happened, you have no idea. I thought my marriage was good as well, your husband will be devestated with your choices.


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## bryanp

I think it is important that you ask yourself what inside you allowed you to give permission to yourself to do this? Was it because you were just lonely? A good rule of thumb when you are unsure of what to do is to ask yourself how you would feel if your husband was doing to you what you are doing with someone else. I wish you luck.


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## working_together

seeking sanity said:


> I have a different take:
> 
> Don't tell your husband. That's on the big condition that it was only kissing. If it was more, you have to tell.
> 
> Don't tell him, find a way out of the work commitment you are in, get the OM out of your life, and use this guilt to be a damn good wife. Consider yourself lucky you avoided a train wreck. But don't you dare put your husband in a position to every be around OM, or god forbid, befriend him somehow, because if he does find out after he'll feel even more betrayed.


But, would she be able to live with herself knowing the truth?


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## Jellybeans

Person91 said:


> I need to be helped,* I need to know what I need to do to help heal my marriage in every way I can*. I don't need to know what I've done, I need to know what to do.


I would start by asking your husband what you can do to heal your marriage. Because at the end of the day, only his opinion on the matter will count.


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## working_together

Person91 said:


> Which I don't need, I don't need to know all the stuff I've already beat myself up over, I don't need to be judged, I need to be helped, I need to know what I need to do to help heal my marriage in every way I can. I don't need to know what I've done, I need to know what to do.


You probably don't understand completely what you've done, you need to before you can help your husband.


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## bryanp

You are so wrong seeking sanity. You either have a relationship based on honesty and respect or lies and deceit.


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## Person91

working_together said:


> But, would she be able to live with herself knowing the truth?


A very good question.... I don't think I could.
It's like a puncture wound, Telling him the truth would pull out the object, but also expose a very deep wound. Leaving the object, and not telling my husband will allow for infection to slowly kill me.

I've never kept anything from my husband before, and I'm not sure I should start now...


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## Jellybeans

Not only that, but if he finds out from someone else instead of from you, it will be 1000 times worse.


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## working_together

FrankKissel said:


> I hate the 'haters' card, but clearly there are some responses/responders in this thread that serve no purpose other than to tell the OP she did something awful. A fact to which she's already confessed. I fail to see how telling her this - and only this (i.e. offering nothing substantive besides scolding) - does her or her husband any good.
> She knows she messed up. She knows she has to make it right. What she doesn't know is how.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I don't think the posters have the intention to be hateful etc. It's basically to give the person a reality check to the damage they've caused their spouse. I really needed to hear it as hard as it was. It helped in a lot of ways.


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## deiswoman

Halien said:


> Tell me, o' psychic one, how does my reply help myself? Did you conjure that I'm married to a bipolar also, yet I would never, ever use the inherent loneliness to somehow justify cheating when posting a reply?


This reply does nothing to make your case that you are on this forum to help people.


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## Shaggy

Person91 said:


> A very good question.... I don't think I could.
> It's like a puncture wound, Telling him the truth would pull out the object, but also expose a very deep wound. Leaving the object, and not telling my husband will allow for infection to slowly kill me.
> 
> I've never kept anything from my husband before, and I'm not sure I should start now...


Like I said in my other posts. Truth, total honesty is the thing that has the best hope of dealing with the fallout in the long term.

Hiding it, lying, downplaying, denial, trickle truth Are the cowards way, and they setup the ground work in his head for fear, doubt, paranoia, long term distrust.

Right now you have betrayed his trust. The best way to begin reearning that trust is to show him through your actions that he can begin to trust you.

That journey begins by telling the truth, and never stopping. You won't get there by covering up etc.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Person91

Shaggy said:


> Like I said in my other posts. Truth, total honesty is the thing that has the best hope of dealing with the fallout in the long term.
> 
> Hiding it, lying, downplaying, denial, trickle truth Are the cowards way, and they setup the ground work in his head for fear, doubt, paranoia, long term distrust.
> 
> Right now you have betrayed his trust. The best way to begin reearning that trust is to show him through your actions that he can begin to trust you.
> 
> That journey begins by telling the truth, and never stopping. You won't get there by covering up etc.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



I'm starting to wonder if I should tell him now, he deserves to know as soon as possible, and he needs to hear it from me. But to tell him while he's so far away, where he'll worry about where I am, what I'm doing, who I'm with, etc.

I also don't know if I can hold it in for that long, and not lead him to believe something is wrong.


to tell him now or after he gets home.... which do you think would be better?


----------



## Shaggy

Person91 said:


> I'm starting to wonder if I should tell him now, he deserves to know as soon as possible, and he needs to hear it from me. But to tell him while he's so far away, where he'll worry about where I am, what I'm doing, who I'm with, etc.
> 
> I also don't know if I can hold it in for that long, and not lead him to believe something is wrong.
> 
> 
> to tell him now or after he gets home.... which do you think would be better?


Now. It's the hardest, but it's what has the best chance of you two moving on.

It also makes you deal with the real issue, instead of the secondary stuff that might arise when he picks up on how your acting because of it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Halien

deiswoman said:


> This reply does nothing to make your case that you are on this forum to help people.


Read around the board a bit and you'll notice that you are in a very slim minority who claim the prescience to know the intentions of others. Could you lend this same prescience to every post on this board? You could literally solve every problem on this board in a day.

The people here are generally trying to offer help, and its not your place to call them haters.


----------



## SadSamIAm

This is a tough on ....

My advice would be to not tell him, unless there is a chance that he will find out. For example, if he knows this guy or friends of this guy or will somehow meet him.

I think you are remorseful and stopped what was happening. It led to kissing, but you stopped it before it got intimate. 

I think telling your husband will create a large problem in your marriage and he may never trust you again. I don't think what you did warrants the pain that it will cause your husband or the problems it will create in your marriage.

You will have to deal with the pain that you should feel for allowing it to get as far as it did. 

This advice is based on you being truthful on this forum. I am not sure I believe you. First you say that you don't want to give specifics and then you say it was just kissing. Not sure why you were hesitant about specifics if this is all that happened.


----------



## FrankKissel

Person91 said:


> I'm starting to wonder if I should tell him now, he deserves to know as soon as possible, and he needs to hear it from me. But to tell him while he's so far away, where he'll worry about where I am, what I'm doing, who I'm with, etc.
> 
> I also don't know if I can hold it in for that long, and not lead him to believe something is wrong.
> 
> 
> to tell him now or after he gets home.... which do you think would be better?


Unless there's a risk of him hearing it from someone else while he's away, I'd wait.
I can't imagine it would be easy to show true remorse over phone or email, nor could he measure your remorse that way. Also, it wouldn't be fair to foist this upon him when he far from home doing a job.
That said, if there is a real risk of him finding out from someone else, tell him first. You don't want his first impression to be that you were hiding this from him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Badblood

Before you tell him, you need to examine why you did it, what you intend to do about your betrayal, how you can assure him that there will be no repeat and how you can atone for your conduct. You will have to PROVE yourself, in every way, possible, and take whatever punishment that he proscribes, willingly and even eagerly. Don't just tell him you're sorry, PROVE that your sorry.


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## seeking sanity

working_together said:


> But, would she be able to live with herself knowing the truth?


That's really the point. If this is truly a "mistake" and a minor league one at that, the cost to the husband in anxiety and emotional betrayal is much higher than the actual transgression. So wife gets to alleviate her guilt, husband gets to feel crappy, over a crush gone wrong.

If it's a one time thing, I don't the benefit of him knowing, assuming OM is no where near their life.


----------



## working_together

SadSamIAm said:


> This is a tough on ....
> 
> My advice would be to not tell him, unless there is a chance that he will find out. For example, if he knows this guy or friends of this guy or will somehow meet him.
> 
> I think you are remorseful and stopped what was happening. It led to kissing, but you stopped it before it got intimate.
> 
> I think telling your husband will create a large problem in your marriage and he may never trust you again. I don't think what you did warrants the pain that it will cause your husband or the problems it will create in your marriage.
> 
> You will have to deal with the pain that you should feel for allowing it to get as far as it did.
> 
> This advice is based on you being truthful on this forum. I am not sure I believe you. First you say that you don't want to give specifics and then you say it was just kissing. Not sure why you were hesitant about specifics if this is all that happened.


But if she doesn't tell him (the whole truth), it will either eat her up inside, she will rug sweep the situation, and leave herself vulnerable to other situations in the future. She needs to come clean so they can work on it as a couple.

And she needs to do it now! he's going to feel something is up and may take blame because he is away, and then to find out later when he comes home that she cheated on him.....he will totally flip his lid.


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## Kobo

Been deployed but not to a war zone. Don't tell him. He has a specific picture of you right now that helps him through his day. It is something he holds on too when he lays down. Don't take that away from him. I've see what happens when guys get the break up letter or see their "best friend" kissing their wife on the pier. Tell him once he gets back. Tell your mother what happened or someone close who won't blab to anyone. Tell them you need their help and support


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## working_together

seeking sanity said:


> That's really the point. If this is truly a "mistake" and a minor league one at that, the cost to the husband in anxiety and emotional betrayal is much higher than the actual transgression. So wife gets to alleviate her guilt, husband gets to feel crappy, over a crush gone wrong.
> 
> If it's a one time thing, I don't the benefit of him knowing, assuming OM is no where near their life.


I'm no expert, but cheating is cheating, not buts about it.


----------



## Badblood

Badblood said:


> My guess is that there was more to it than just kissing. If it wasn't then why did the OP refuse to be open about it? This is an internet forum, she will never see or know any of us, right? How can she be honest with her husband, in person, when she can't be honest with total strangers, who she will never know? To not tell him about this will almost certainly backfire on you, Person91. Can you be absolutely sure that nobody knows what happened, or that the OM won't tell anybody? No, you can't, nobody can be that sure. So, Before you tell him, you need to examine why you did it, what you intend to do about your betrayal, how you can assure him that there will be no repeat and how you can atone for your conduct. You will have to PROVE yourself, in every way, possible, and take whatever punishment that he proscribes, willingly and even eagerly. Don't just tell him you're sorry, PROVE that your sorry.


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## wldyaz

Person 91, please take some time to breathe through this...i didn't read through all the posts; however, just after first few..i decided to throw in my thoughts (this is my first on this site!). It is not easy being away from your spouse...it is not easy, begin alone when married, no matter the circumstances...it is not easy to push people away who make you feel good...it is easy, however, to say no before things get out of hand. Don't feel guilty, don't blame the other man, don't even spend any more time tearing yourself up about it. You are human and we make mistakes, often. What you should do is try your best to reconnect with your husband, whether by webcam or increasing phone calls...find that spark with him, no matter what the distance. Eliminate the temptation of the OM! you can take time to look at what caused your "stepping out", maybe even speak to a counselor, maybe there are things between you and your husband that are causing insecurities...whatever it may be, deal with it now, before he comes home. If you are committed to your husband and have reaffirmed your love for him be realizing that you do not want to make that kind of mistake again and risk losing him...then Don't ever tell him!!! And I mean that like a slap to your face...don't ever tell him, honey. I have been through infidelity hell and let me tell you, 2 years later and all the crap I was told haunts me...I struggle every day to let go of one more image or one more intimacy shared with that other person. People might say they want to know everything, but don't for both your sakes. I regret asking every day. Of course, this is your marriage, your life, your husband...and you need to decide whats best for you and the future of your relationship with him. Wherever he may be, whatever he is doing...would you want to know everything?


----------



## Person91

SadSamIAm said:


> This is a tough on ....
> 
> My advice would be to not tell him, unless there is a chance that he will find out. For example, if he knows this guy or friends of this guy or will somehow meet him.
> 
> I think you are remorseful and stopped what was happening. It led to kissing, but you stopped it before it got intimate.
> 
> I think telling your husband will create a large problem in your marriage and he may never trust you again. I don't think what you did warrants the pain that it will cause your husband or the problems it will create in your marriage.
> 
> You will have to deal with the pain that you should feel for allowing it to get as far as it did.
> 
> This advice is based on you being truthful on this forum. I am not sure I believe you. First you say that you don't want to give specifics and then you say it was just kissing. Not sure why you were hesitant about specifics if this is all that happened.



I didn't want to go into more detail than necessary, but after enough questions about it, I figured I should clear up the misconceptions. Besides it's not like I'm in any way comfortable with what happened.



Badblood said:


> Before you tell him, you need to examine why you did it, what you intend to do about your betrayal, how you can assure him that there will be no repeat and how you can atone for your conduct. You will have to PROVE yourself, in every way, possible, and take whatever punishment that he proscribes, willingly and even eagerly. Don't just tell him you're sorry, PROVE that your sorry.


Any ideas on how I can show him? I'm already gathering my usernames and passwords, and looking into any way I can get my texts forwarded to him (incoming and outgoing) But aside from giving him access to all that, how can I show him that I'm sorry? That I love him? etc.


----------



## ren

Person91 said:


> to tell him now or after he gets home.... which do you think would be better?


I think in a situation like this where the betrayed spouse is away and unable to immediately return you may be better off waiting to tell him. I remember a few months ago another military wife in a similar situations that I suggested she start keeping a diary for him. 
The idea is that when he gets back he is going to feel the additional betrayal of being kept in the dark and he isn't going to know just how much of what he is being told is true, but if he has your narrative account he will feel like you really are telling him everything and have been the entire time. He will be able to flip to the page for today and read about how you are so disgusted with yourself you didn't know what you could ever do to become worthy of him again, then you visited this forum to anonymously ask for guidance from experts about infidelity and we told you to start by having no contact with the other man ever again and signing yourself up for therapy. Then he can flip to tomorrow's entry and read about the progress you've started making.

Re: No contact with the other man, I think you should tell him via email. That way your husband will have an exact record of what you said and when you said it. Transparency is vitally important to rebuilding trust.


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## Person91

Is telling him more selfishness?
I just thought about that, how would telling him help him? does it only help me? Please, I'm very confused right now about what to do... This isn't going to happen again (plain and simple, I will not allow anything remotely like this to happen again), my husband won't find out from anyone else...

Is telling him really helping him? If so how? 
I'm not trying to be a coward and not face this, I'm doing what I should have done before, I'm thinking of what's best for my husband.

If this kills me inside, but keeps my husband safe from the horrible feelings and thoughts that would follow, is it worth it?


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

Personally, I'd tell him what an a** he is in an email and in person.
Save the email for when and if you need to tell your husband.
This guy is a real jerk for playing you that way.
My guy friends do not treat me like that.
The lines that he used SAY that he just wants you to be happy, theoretically put you in charge by putting the responsibility on you to say stop. He is a predator. You must show some fangs. He is counting on your guilt to absolve him of the situation. What an A** he is. So pathetic he has to play on someone who is accustomed to getting affection and their physical needs met at a time when it is publicly known that you are deficient in being able to have your needs met. This person has no self-esteem. STOP THINKING YOU HAVE TO BE NICE TO HIM. GO AHEAD AND LET HIM HAVE IT. WHAT THE HE** WAS HE THINKING? And now he has created a situation where you can't even enjoy your job. Creep.

I am a military wife. I see guys like this all the time. 
But it is not a military phenomenon.
It could happen to anyone.
It is part of growing up.
You absolutely MUST defend your marriage if marriage is what you want. Act first and apologize afterwards for any 'misunderstandings' the perpetrator might claim in his pathetic defense. 
Idiot guy wanted a woman without any strings attached. He's too much of a p*ssy to get a woman on his own. Too much responsibility!
Show him what's what. Next time you get together to socialize, get yourself a battle buddy. One of you stay sober, stay together and keep one hand out of four free for slapping faces.

You now know that your senses will not protect you once someone puts the moves on you and passes a certain point. That is powerful knowledge and you have experienced a sacrifice of sorts to gain it. What you do with that knowledge of yourself is in the future, not in the past.


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## working_together

Person91 said:


> Is telling him more selfishness?
> I just thought about that, how would telling him help him? does it only help me? Please, I'm very confused right now about what to do... This isn't going to happen again (plain and simple, I will not allow anything remotely like this to happen again), my husband won't find out from anyone else...
> 
> Is telling him really helping him? If so how?
> I'm not trying to be a coward and not face this, I'm doing what I should have done before, I'm thinking of what's best for my husband.
> 
> If this kills me inside, but keeps my husband safe from the horrible feelings and thoughts that would follow, is it worth it?


What about your guilt? how do you think it's going to affect you and your relationship with your husband?


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## Person91

working_together said:


> What about your guilt? how do you think it's going to affect you and your relationship with your husband?


true, that could hurt our relationship


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## skip76

you have to tell him, it is his life too. i wouldn't want to live and die not knowing what really happened in my life. you already made the mistake, don't make it worse. life has consequences, deal with it.


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## Person91

skip76 said:


> you have to tell him, it is his life too. i wouldn't want to live and die not knowing what really happened in my life. you already made the mistake, don't make it worse. life has consequences, deal with it.


I'm aware of the consequences of my actions, but does my stupidity have to harm my husband as well?
I agree it is his life too...... I just wish I could take all the pain myself, and not let him hurt at all.... just a wish.


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## JustaJerk

If I'm not mistaken, you said your husband is deployed, right? I don't think he needs another problem out there, being that its enough just staying alive wherever he is. I think you should wait for a face-to-face. At least he'll be home and have a support group(family, friends, and access to counseling) ready to give him a helping hand.


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## Jellybeans

If you decidie to tell him, I agree that its best to wait til he comes home from being deployed.


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## SadSamIAm

I think telling depends on the type of guy your husband is. Is he insecure? Is he the jealous type?

I told my wife a couple of things that have happened to me where I was totally innocent and nothing happened. I wish I would never have told my wife because she thinks something COULD HAVE happened. She doesn't trust that I told her the truth.

If you think he will be able to handle what you did, then tell him. If you think it will cause you problems forever, then keep it to yourself. You screwed up, but you didn't screw up enough to have your marriage and relationship with your husband ruined.


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## skip76

Person91 said:


> I'm aware of the consequences of my actions, but does my stupidity have to harm my husband as well?
> I agree it is his life too...... I just wish I could take all the pain myself, and not let him hurt at all.... just a wish.



it seems this is all backwards. why are you so worried about this now? yes your stupidity does have to harm your husband and you really should have had these thoughts ahead of time. i do not want to sound harsh but really, nothing has changed except you cheated on him, so why are you so worried about hurting him now?


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## Locard

Don't tell him now. You are on to something about telling him now, it would be eaiser ON YOU. Do not take your feelings into account in this.


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## Initfortheduration

Skype him. Tell him now. Oh and you can't just say "I love you and won't do it again. Explain HOW you are going to be sure that you do not run into this guy again. Tell him that you will quit your job so there is no chance of you seeing him again. (apparently you work with the scumbag and have seen him again since you cheated with him). You need to be able to prove that your betraying him cost you too. But that the most important thing to you is your marriage to him. Obviously since you are still working with the POSOM, you haven't been convicted enough about what you've done to resolve the issue. 

REMEMBER, TALK IS CHEAP. HE IS GOING TO BE LOOKING FOR ACTION.


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## Person91

skip76 said:


> it seems this is all backwards. why are you so worried about this now? yes your stupidity does have to harm your husband and you really should have had these thoughts ahead of time. i do not want to sound harsh but really, nothing has changed except you cheated on him, so why are you so worried about hurting him now?


I can't have regrets? I can't want to change? I can't learn from this?
I'm aware that I should have been thinking of my husband before, but I can't change the past. I can only learn and grow for the future.
Like I've said before, I LOVE my husband, nothing will change that, this doesn't mean I don't love him, it means I'm not as good a person as he deserves, I want to be a better person, for him.


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## Bugz Bunny

I'm always for the truth,and to tell the BS that you cheated and my first advice for the BS is always divorce...but in your case (just kissing - if that is the truth) I would advice you not to tell him and to remove yourself from this OM,to cut all contact with him...

Why not tell him ?

Well I think because he is in military and he needs a clear head and not to think were you are when he is again away from home...

I know how infidelity is devastating for the BS and I think that in this case if it is only kissing and if you will stay NC with OM you shouldnt tell your husband because the consequences will be far more bigger than the things you have done...

First he won't believe you that it was just kissing and he will always think in the back of his mind what realy happened and what is the truth,and he will think about that for the rest of his life...

Good Luck

Edit: I forgot to say that whatever you decide (to say or not) you should find a good IC to deal with this problem so that it never happens again...


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## OOE

If you tell him today, you're passing the weight from your shoulders to his. While he's away, you and your husband won't be able to work on repairing what you've broken, so there's nothing to gain except for easing your guilt.

I agree wholeheartedly with the diary. Come clean in it. 100%. Then when he gets home, tell him everything and let him read the diary for answers on why you didn't tell him today.


----------



## Saffron

deiswoman said:


> That's good that immediately you saw it as a bad thing. I would first ignore these haters, now listen to some real advice. My husband has an emotional disorder--bipolarism. I know what it's like to long for love when it's either geographically or emotionally inaccessible. Everyone wants to be love by someone who is physically and emotionally present and modern lifestyles don't always support this instinct. So, don't be hard on yourself. What happened could have been much worse, as you know.
> 
> First, your coworker is a user. Plenty of men have fantasized about married women but only the users, losers, and womanizers pursue them. Remove yourself from the danger and get physically and geographically away from the user. Request a transfer to another department or look for a new job. If you are comfortable, you might talk to your boss about the issue. You don't have to tell them what happened, but just that you're feeling some feelings you don't feel comfortable with.
> 
> Next, get emotionally re-attached to your husband. Strengthen the bond before he comes home. Assemble a scrapbook about your love story and decorate your work area and home with your photos so that others will get that they'd ruin a good thing. Increase the letters and Skype calls. Pray for him and spend more time in your military wife support group or circle of friends. Surely some of them have gone through the same thing.
> 
> Finally, when he comes home, don't tell him until you feel the anxieties of what he's experienced have subsided and your attachment bond is refreshed and strong. Purchase the book "Hold Me Tight" and have a therapy appointment lined up the days before you tell him. You might also wait until the appointment to tell him. He may be thinking it's worse than it is and therapist can be a buffer to any of the more violent reactions he might have--you never know. Continued counseling might be necessary to heal any permanent trust issues that could result. When you really love someone, imagining them with someone else is really painful.
> 
> In spite of what people think, love can survive infidelity or even flirtations with it. Often the people involved realize that the temptation was false advertisement for something happy that in the end proved to be something repulsive. In healthy relationships, the cheater can make this case to the one they've betrayed and the one they've betrayed can take them back if they are also secure in the relationship otherwise. If you listen to your partner's feelings and make it clear that you made changes, and learned a valuable lesson from the experience, he has no reason not to trust you.


As a BS I have a lot of mixed feelings about this advice. 

Once your husband finds out what happened and when, he will remember all the times you were "reconnecting" with him while deployed. His perception of every gesture may be tainted when he finds out it was done "post affair". He may see your loving actions to connect as guilt ridden and not true affection. 

I can't explain it, but infidelity messes up a BS's head in ways you can't imagine. When I found out the dates my H had sex with the OW, I checked the calendar. I wanted to know what I was doing during, what we did the next day, how he was acting. I re-read texts from the time period before and after. I searched for every lie, omission, and half-truth he told. I was relentless in my pursuit of "full disclosure." I even remember making comments before d-day like, "Wow, isn't it crazy that neither of us has kissed or had sex with anyone else in over 15 years?"  I remember him pausing for a moment, then the lies. It's the lies that do damage just as much as the infidelity. 

As a BS you over analyze and go over every detail of the time period you were "in the dark" about the infidelity. You feel like such a fool because you only had half the story of your relationship for a certain amount of time. For me I really can't look at the majority of 2010 without distaste. Even events before the affair are tainted, because if everything was so great and you were so in love, then why cheat? 

Tread carefully. In a perfect world you should tell him about your betrayal as soon as possible, but I understand it might be dangerous for him to find out while deployed. But I think the longer you wait to tell him when he gets home, the harder it's going to be for him to hear. He'll wonder how you could be physical with him and say you love him while this is on your conscience. I do think you should tell him and I like the idea another poster suggested of keeping a journal. He still might think it's all a bunch of lies, but it shows effort. Explain in the journal why you waited to tell him.

I don't see posters here as haters, many of us are the voice of the betrayed. It's the voice you'll be hearing from your husband at some point. If you think the posts are harsh, your husband's response may be harsher. If people are sounding like haters, it's most likely because your original post hit triggers. Hearing inappropriate behavior called a "mistake" rubs many of us the wrong way. Most likely your husband too. Also placing any blame on anything or anyone other than yourself is a big no no. Most of us are trying to prepare you for what is to come and help you realize why certain comments are deemed unacceptable to a BS. 

Another sticking point with a comment quoted above . . .I disagree with the statement, "If you listen to your partner's feelings and make it clear that you made changes, and learned a valuable lesson from the experience, he has no reason not to trust you." You will have destroyed his trust and he has every reason NOT to trust you. He is allowed to distrust you as long as it takes for him to feel you've earned it back. He most likely will never trust you like he did prior to your betrayal, but it will be a new different kind of trust. But he will need time and proof that you deserve it, then it will be up to him to decide if and when you've earned it back.

I do agree with the majority of posters that say you need to clear your conscience and tell him when he gets home. My husband made poor decisions 10 years ago and thought he could live with the guilt. It was one of the reasons he went down the slippery slope last year, but this time it involved an EA and sex. Keeping it to yourself is not a good option.


----------



## skip76

Person91 said:


> I can't have regrets? I can't want to change? I can't learn from this?
> I'm aware that I should have been thinking of my husband before, but I can't change the past. I can only learn and grow for the future.
> Like I've said before, I LOVE my husband, nothing will change that, this doesn't mean I don't love him, it means I'm not as good a person as he deserves, I want to be a better person, for him.



i'm just some idiot on the internet, are you going to be this defensive when he asks you these questions? you might be remorseful but i do not think you grasp how big of an issue this could be for him. he will not show it or talk about it but he will be thinking about this for a long time. he will have so many questions and thoughts running through his head.


----------



## Jellybeans

Saffron's post is excellent and spot on.


----------



## Arnold

FrankKissel said:


> This is a terrible idea, IMO. If her husband is in a war zone - or perhaps even not - the last thing he needs is to be severely distracted by something like this. That kind of distraction could very well put the lives of himself and others in jeopardy. And for what possible benefit? How does it help for him to know this now when he hundreds/thousands of miles from home and not in a position to deal with it in a reasonable manner.
> And the reasoning you offer is nearly as bad. He should know so that he can seize the opportunity to get laid outside of the marriage? Two wrongs now make a right?
> 
> The OP does indeed have an obligation to be honest. She also has an obligation to do it at the proper time in the proper situation.
> 
> Also, I realize that piling on the unfaithful is a popular pastime here - for good reason in some instances - but the OP seems nothing but sincere and remorseful. What possible benefit is there to beating up on her further? You say it's normal to be bitter about this kind of abuse? Sure, for the BS it is. Not sure why anyone here should be. She didn't break vows with any of us.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is tragically flawed thinking, very condescending and paternalistic toward the betrayed spouse.
Clearly, he has the right to know about his partner's breach of the contract, so he can determine the course of his life. There is no indication that his having this knowledge will endanger his safety.
Same wit the two wrongs analysis. It is not wrong, as the contract has been voided. he has no obligation to adhere to terms that are no longer in effect due to the breach.
This man is entitled to dircet his own life with full knowledge that hsi wife has been unfaithful.


----------



## Person91

skip76 said:


> i'm just some idiot on the internet, are you going to be this defensive when he asks you these questions? you might be remorseful but i do not think you grasp how big of an issue this could be for him. he will not show it or talk about it but he will be thinking about this for a long time. he will have so many questions and thoughts running through his head.


My posted wasn't meant to sound angry, or defensive. I just wanted to answer, if it sounded overly defensive, I'm sorry.


----------



## Arnold

Person91 said:


> Just kissing, nothing else.
> 
> And to those who feel the need to point out the obvious that I'm an awful wife, and such please refer back to the beginning of the thread where I said "nothing you say can make me feel worse" You're wasting your time telling me things I already know about myself. I'm under no delusion that anything I did that night was right. I know that I am to blame for this happening. I know that I'm an idiot and a moron and the list goes on and on.
> 
> What I'm asking for is advice, I know my husband and I have a relationship that can survive this, I know that we love each other more than anything else in the world. So I'm asking for help and advice on what I need to do before he gets home, and while he's home. and any advice on how to tell him would be nice too.


Now, please, really, you have no idea weather your relationship can whether this. Very few do, statistically.
And, how can you possibly love your husband if you betrayed him like this? Don't you know that infidelity is one of the most severe forms of emotional abuse? If someone beat his wife would you say he lived her?


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## Person91

One quick thing, my marriage is not a contract! Calling it such belittles it and makes it seem like what I did was less serious. I broke the contract on my last apt, and paid a fine, and moved on. This will not end so simply, I didn't love that apt, I love my husband. I'm going to have to do a lot more than pay a fine and move on, to fix this.


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## Person91

Arnold said:


> And, how can you possibly love your husband if you betrayed him like this?


How can I love him?
Like this


----------



## Arnold

Person91 said:


> One quick thing, my marriage is not a contract! Calling it such belittles it and makes it seem like what I did was less serious. I broke the contract on my last apt, and paid a fine, and moved on. This will not end so simply, I didn't love that apt, I love my husband. I'm going to have to do a lot more than pay a fine and move on, to fix this.


It is quite clearly a contract. Some would say a sacred contract. And, you violated one of the critical terms of it, thus voiding it. 
Do you expect your husband to adhere to an agreement that you violated, materially? How is that fair? You got to samlple the wares of another person. Is he not entitled to similar gratification in his life. Or, do you consider yourself more deserving of fun and excitement than him?
In essence, I am asking you why you get to go through life having had more pleasure than him? What is it that elevates you above him, such that he has to content himself with just you as a romantic partner, whereas you get to have an additional partner? Are you better than him? More attrcative than him? Have a more sensitive neck than him , thus entitleing you to such?


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## FrankKissel

Arnold said:


> This is tragically flawed thinking, very condescending and paternalistic toward the betrayed spouse.
> Clearly, he has the right to know about his partner's breach of the contract, so he can determine the course of his life. There is no indication that his having this knowledge will endanger his safety.
> Same wit the two wrongs analysis. It is not wrong, as the contract has been voided. he has no obligation to adhere to terms that are no longer in effect due to the breach.
> This man is entitled to dircet his own life with full knowledge that hsi wife has been unfaithful.


If the marriage 'contract' is voided because she kissed another man, as you say it is, then she owes him nothing, including disclosure. After all, she's not 'contractually' obligated to do anything anymore. Because I'm sure that's why he feels guilt, remorse and a desire to right a wrong ... she's all broken up over a breach of contract.

Of course, it's not as simple as that. And you know it.
Though just for the novelty of it I'd love to see someone argue your contract theory in divorce court. See if infidelity voids one's marital obligations
. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Person91

Arnold said:


> It is quite clearly a contract. Some would say a sacred contract. And, you violated one of the critical terms of it, thus voiding it.
> Do you expect your husband to adhere to an agreement that you violated, materially? How is that fair? You got to samlple the wares of another person. Is he not entitled to similar gratification in his life. Or, do you consider yourself more deserving of fun and excitement than him?
> In essence, I am asking you why you get to go through life having had more pleasure than him? What is it that elevates you above him, such that he has to content himself with just you as a romantic partner, whereas you get to have an additional partner? Are you better than him? More attrcative than him? Have a more sensitive neck than him , thus entitleing you to such?


I've never said that he doesn't deserve the "fun" though I fail to see how any of this is fun or exciting or anything remotely desirable. Would it make you feel better if I gave him an eye for an eye? I was under the impression that that would leave us both blind. If he really wants to go be with someone else for a bit, I won't blame him, I would allow it. But again calling my marriage a contract doesn't grasp the seriousness of all this. It makes it seem like a game. My marriage is *not* a game, I know I'll get reamed for saying that, don't worry I'm completely aware that the other night I treated it like a game, no need to remind me.  I will not allow myself to treat it as such *ever again*.


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## warlock07

Do you like the other guy? Do you enjoy his company?

This was the first time you kissed but has the flirting crossed boundaries previously?(atleast emotionally)


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## Person91

warlock07 said:


> Do you like the other guy? Do you enjoy his company?
> 
> This was the first time you kissed but has the flirting crossed boundaries previously?(atleast emotionally)


This guy was a friend an co worker, I don't have any sort of emotional connection to him beyond that.
and yes I agree, the flirting crossed a line. 

The day this guy started flirting with me, I told my husband about it. He said he got an image in his head of him standing between me and the other guy and he was smacking him on the nose with a rolled up newspaper. I was ignorant and thought this guys wouldn't go any further, I thought I would have stopped him. I told my husband not to worry.....


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## StrangerThanFiction

Person91 said:


> Long story short he found out that my neck is very sensitive and touching it can turn me on, and I couldn't bring myself to say "stop"



I hope i'm not hating by saying this, but whatever you decide to to, I hope you come up with a deeper and more thought-provoking explanation as to why you did all this than the above. Its as if the other man brought kryptonite in a briefcase and your defenses were negated. Oh, he found out your neck was sensitive, did he? If I were your husband and heard the above I'd be more than a little dismayed.

Another thought, I see you saying that you want to "spare him the pain" that telling him would bring. I get that you didn't have intercourse with this other person, but you should realize that many people in full blown affairs rationalize not telling their betrayed spouse to "spare them the pain". I guess different people have different opinions but it makes me want to puke when I hear it, it always sounds so self serving.


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## Arnold

FrankKissel said:


> If the marriage 'contract' is voided because she kissed another man, as you say it is, then she owes him nothing, including disclosure. After all, she's not 'contractually' obligated to do anything anymore. Because I'm sure that's why he feels guilt, remorse and a desire to right a wrong ... she's all broken up over a breach of contract.
> 
> Of course, it's not as simple as that. And you know it.
> Though just for the novelty of it I'd love to see someone argue your contract theory in divorce court. See if infidelity voids one's marital obligations
> .
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Happens all the time in fault states, which used to be prevalent. It is why adultery is grounds for divorce-the contract is void. It is that simple.

As for her obligation to tell, she has a moral one to do so, so that he can conduct his life with full knowledge.


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## Whip Morgan

The posts here that advise not telling him until he returns are thinking about his reaction in a dangerous environment - and rightfully so. I agree to an extent, but I think its best to tell him now.

This happened to a man in my platoon. She told him, I dont know if she felt guilty or someone else found out and threatened her. After he hung up (access to phones were rare, so they didnt talk much) he immediately told his first line supervisor. Our platoon sergeant and leader conferred with our troop's chain of command. My friend was taken out of the line that day -no patrols, no observation posts, etc. 

Military wives and husbands that cheat are nothing new - any NCO or officer will deal with this affecting themselves or a soldier during a career. It happens. No soldier would ever make fun or harrass another for it, because its every married soldiers worst fear. My friend was met with a world of support from his brothers, to the extent that we could help him. 

I say tell him. But before, you must have a plan. That means speaking with a base chaplain or other family support group. They deal with it all the time. Also, inform your FRG leader. I was Army, so I cannot speak to what other branches have. Also, I'd prepare confessing to family: yours and his.

This will destroy him regardless. However, if you wait, then confess, he'll sit there thinking "I was gone for XX months, she waited to tell me...She had her fun for xx months and now she is acting sad!" Among other things, of course.

The most crippling thought, I think, is his helplessness to do anything, due to the distance between you two. This will be among the agonizing thoughts. He might feel better knowing that you are prepared to confess to family, and additional people if you feel so. 

Its a bad situation which is your responsibility, and you understand it. In fact, so many military spouses never seem to have the sense of remorse you seem to have, its a little odd to hear it. I give you credit, if you are sincere, in recognizing what damage you have done. Good luck. 

Remember, if you do tell him, before you hang up, TELL HIM TO INFORM HIS CHAIN OF COMMAND!


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## Arnold

Person91 said:


> I've never said that he doesn't deserve the "fun" though I fail to see how any of this is fun or exciting or anything remotely desirable. Would it make you feel better if I gave him an eye for an eye? I was under the impression that that would leave us both blind. If he really wants to go be with someone else for a bit, I won't blame him, I would allow it. But again calling my marriage a contract doesn't grasp the seriousness of all this. It makes it seem like a game. My marriage is *not* a game, I know I'll get reamed for saying that, don't worry I'm completely aware that the other night I treated it like a game, no need to remind me.  I will not allow myself to treat it as such *ever again*.


Then disclose to him, so he can direct his life.

And, clearly, it was "fun". You did not stop it, right? You were attracted to him and acted on that. 
You are not giving him an eye for an eye. That would mean you give up something. All you are doing is letting him know what you did, so that if he wants to have some of the same experiences you did, he can do so. It's all abut fundamental fairness.


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## Whip Morgan

Oh, yeah, forgot to mention, if you havent already. Put your two weeks notice in. Immediately.


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## Arnold

Whip Morgan said:


> The posts here that advise not telling him until he returns are thinking about his reaction in a dangerous environment - and rightfully so. I agree to an extent, but I think its best to tell him now.
> 
> This happened to a man in my platoon. She told him, I dont know if she felt guilty or someone else found out and threatened her. After he hung up (access to phones were rare, so they didnt talk much) he immediately told his first line supervisor. Our platoon sergeant and leader conferred with our troop's chain of command. My friend was taken out of the line that day -no patrols, no observation posts, etc.
> 
> Military wives and husbands that cheat are nothing new - any NCO or officer will deal with this affecting themselves or a soldier during a career. It happens. No soldier would ever make fun or harrass another for it, because its every married soldiers worst fear. My friend was met with a world of support from his brothers, to the extent that we could help him.
> 
> I say tell him. But before, you must have a plan. That means speaking with a base chaplain or other family support group. They deal with it all the time. Also, inform your FRG leader. I was Army, so I cannot speak to what other branches have. Also, I'd prepare confessing to family: yours and his.
> 
> This will destroy him regardless. However, if you wait, then confess, he'll sit there thinking "I was gone for XX months, she waited to tell me...She had her fun for xx months and now she is acting sad!" Among other things, of course.
> 
> The most crippling thought, I think, is his helplessness to do anything, due to the distance between you two. This will be among the agonizing thoughts. He might feel better knowing that you are prepared to confess to family, and additional people if you feel so.
> 
> Its a bad situation which is your responsibility, and you understand it. In fact, so many military spouses never seem to have the sense of remorse you seem to have, its a little odd to hear it. I give you credit, if you are sincere, in recognizing what damage you have done. Good luck.
> 
> Remember, if you do tell him, before you hang up, TELL HIM TO INFORM HIS CHAIN OF COMMAND!


This is excellent advice, IMO.


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## Person91

StrangerThanFiction said:


> I hope i'm not hating by saying this, but whatever you decide to to, I hope you come up with a deeper and more thought-provoking explanation as to why you did all this than the above. Its as if the other man brought kryptonite in a briefcase and your defenses were negated. Oh, he found out your neck was sensitive, did he? If I were your husband and heard the above I'd be more than a little dismayed.
> 
> Another thought, I see you saying that you want to "spare him the pain" that telling him would bring. I get that you didn't have intercourse with this other person, but you should realize that many people in full blown affairs rationalize not telling their betrayed spouse to "spare them the pain". I guess different people have different opinions but it makes me want to puke when I hear it, it always sounds so self serving.



I'm not saying that oh he found my weak spot that why this happened, no it happened because I'm too stupid to know when to say enough.
The not telling him idea was just that an idea, I've thought on it and decided against it, I'm just trying to organize my thoughts here, figure out what to do. Figure out what would be best for my husband now. The last thing I want is to loose the love of my life to some idiotic F*** up of mine. I know, too little, too late T_T


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## Arnold

Best advuce us Whip's. IMO. Very well thought out.


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## Arnold

Arnold said:


> Best advice us Whip's. IMO. Very well thought out.


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## Initfortheduration

Yeah, told her to quit too. If she was smart (because she is ignoring me), She would out herself to her family and husband. Ask/Beg her husband to withhold any decisions. See if she could stay with her/or his family. Why? Because she can't be trusted out of their sight. FACT. Maybe if she explains how she has completely turned her life around (by not screwing co workers) and that she is under "observation" until he gets home. She will live with them while he is gone (as I don't know how contrite this one is). I don't think she'll humble herself though. Lets see if she serious about changing her ways.


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## Person91

Initfortheduration said:


> Yeah, told her to quit too. If she was smart (because she is ignoring me), She would out herself to her family and husband. Ask/Beg her husband to withhold any decisions. See if she could stay with her/or his family. Why? Because she can't be trusted out of their sight. FACT. Maybe if she explains how she has completely turned her life around (by not screwing co workers) and that she is under "observation" until he gets home. She will live with them while he is gone (as I don't know how contrite this one is). I don't think she'll humble herself though. Lets see if she serious about changing her ways.


fyi, just told my parents, messaged my husband that I have something important to talk about and he will choose which way of contacting me is most comfortable for him. You're idea is a good one (moving closer to family), even though I had to sift through the insults to get to it. As for how contrite I am, as I have said many times before, this is the last time (it's also the only time), I love my husband a lot more than I like this friend, my job, I love him more than even my own life. But why should I waist my energy trying to prove myself to you? You're not worth my time, my husband is.


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## skip76

Great start. If you can quit your job he might feel alot better for the rest of his time over there. I was tough on you earlier but you are rebounding from this bad decision well. Keep it up and make sure he never forgets that first week home. Don't give him time to think about it!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Initfortheduration

Insults? Wait a minute. I posted it......you actually DID IT. Ask your husband which hurts more, my insults or your cheating on him. Oh, did you think I suggested for you to confess to your family for your support. Nah. Its so they can watch your every move. This way, when your husband finds out what you've done, He will at least know that you have a keeper (If he can trust your family to protect his interests as well as yours, if not go stay with his family). This way, at least he will get some rest knowing someone is watching you. And that they can text him so he can be at ease. He is sure to have sleepless nights over this.


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## Arnold

Good job. Now, use this time to jettison the lame excuses, like the "neck sensitivity". That is just insulting. Own your action and make restitution. Your actions from here on may determine the outcome.


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## Badblood

I'm sorry, but I still feel that there is more to this than just kissing. The OP's evasive answers set off warning signals to me, maybe because I'm a BH, like her husband is. I just have a feeling that she isn't being honest with us posters anymore than she is being honest with her husband.


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## sadcalifornian

Badblood said:


> I'm sorry, but I still feel that there is more to this than just kissing. The OP's evasive answers set off warning signals to me, maybe because I'm a BH, like her husband is. I just have a feeling that she isn't being honest with us posters anymore than she is being honest with her husband.


Well, there is certainly that possibility. You hear some WS lie to counselors and some lie to members on the forum. I hope that is not the case here, though.


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## Badblood

I do too. I think, that with complete honesty, her marriage can be repaired, but she MUST be totally honest, or it won't happen.


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## JustaJerk

Quitting your job is a solid start. It will show your husband that *HE* means more to you than anything else in your life. This is a BIG symbolic gesture.

I'm sure he's gonna give you the ol' "_I told you so_" concerning this POS's intentions toward you- be prepared.


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## Shaggy

Badblood said:


> I'm sorry, but I still feel that there is more to this than just kissing. The OP's evasive answers set off warning signals to me, maybe because I'm a BH, like her husband is. I just have a feeling that she isn't being honest with us posters anymore than she is being honest with her husband.


Yes, spidey sense is going off. I think it was a little more than a peck on the lips after a neck rub.


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## Initfortheduration

:iagree::iagree::iagree: Oh, and since I'm persona non grata, I might as well suggest that you start journaling about the affair and your feelings. You could have this prepared for him upon his return. Write down everything so that when he comes home, he will have a full account of what transpired. That way you do not have to answer all the specifics face to face. This will help you and him. It will help you not give him "trickle truth", by trying to save his feelings. I would find a good counselor too. Not one you pay to absolve you. But a tough counselor that will require you to address those issues that allowed you to this. 

Oh and if you skype him. I would also suggest that you write a confession to him. This way you can read it, focusing on what you want to say (and not have to look at his face until you're finished).

Can't sign off without an educational insult. You used the word mistake. Lose the word. Don't use it with your husband. A mistake is when you make a left turn instead of a right. So unless this guy tripped and fell face first between your legs without you wearing panties. I would highly suggest that you lose the word "mistake". It could only make your husband angrier. You want the best way to tell him? Here it is "I cheated on you with the guy you warned me about" That is called the unadulterated (oops can't use the word unadulterated when discussing your situation) truth. That's what he needs the most.


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## Person91

K, for the last time, (thought it was clear before but apparently not) I made out with the guy, we kissed, he kissed my neck and face, and touched my arms, legs and waist, he grabbed my @$$ once but that stopped right quick. Nothing more happened, that's the truth of it, if you don't believe me that's your problem not mine.
Also, why do I get the feeling that many of you aren't actually angry with me but yourselves or your significant others? You feel the need to tear down a woman who is already at rock bottom, who hasn't eaten since she F***** up, hasn't slept, hasn't stopped thinking about this, has barely been able to keep from crying in public, who has determined the best way to off herself, who started off saying nothing you can say will make me feel worse than I do right now (still holds true). I don't think any of you actually understand what I'm going through, in fact, I KNOW none of you do. I feel sorry for anyone who is ignorant like I was and thinks they will find a good amount of help here, there's mostly cruelty, judgement, and hate here. There was some good advice, but I feel I could have come to my conclusions on my own. There are some here whom I have thanked, I just want to say it again, Thank You! I appreciate what you had to say. To the bitter members who allowed themselves to be poisoned by actions similar to mine, you need as much help as I do. Your inability to separate your anger from past experiences and the actions of others will destroy you. For your sake, I hope the wounds from your past heal. I won't be back to this thread, so I don't care what you say after this, I won't see it, I won't respond to it. I've a marriage to work for, and a husband to love. My husband was hurt by this, but he said that it's in the past, it won't happen again, so now is the time to move on... all of you need to do the same.


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## warlock07

Yes I agree with Person91. You guys are scaring away cheaters who are trying to change their ways by taking out your hate on them.. Obviously Person91 was not as thick-skinned as working_together and now she left the forum.


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## Halien

Person91 said:


> K, for the last time, (thought it was clear before but apparently not) I made out with the guy, we kissed, he kissed my neck and face, and touched my arms, legs and waist, he grabbed my @$$ once but that stopped right quick. Nothing more happened, that's the truth of it, if you don't believe me that's your problem not mine.
> .


Person91,
I hope that in the midst of some of the replies that aren't helpful, you can find a few nuggets that will help you work through this with your husband. Keep in mind that a few of the replies were intended to offer a typical man's point of view when addressing the situation. Some of the things that explain the way the guy made you feel vulnerable are simply not what your husband needs to hear, in my opinion, and other things you ommitted will only naturally do more harm than good in guyspeak. In the end, your description of what you've gone through, plus the way you handled this so far, will win him over, if he is willing to give it a try. I hope for nothing but the best for you. I hope it makes you stronger, and happier in the long run, because nobody deserves to lose everything over some weakness that they conquer, in my opinion.

Let him have his anger for a time, as long as it doesn't cross the lines into abuse. Show him who you really are by waiting for him to get the shock out of his system. I really do wish you the best in this.


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## DelinquentGurl

I personally do not have time to go through all 8 pages of this post to read what everyone has to say, but from what I have read a lot of you are extremely rude and seem to find pleasure in kicking the OP while she is down.

What she did is wrong, there is no disputing that. Regardless if she had sex with him or just kissed, cheating is cheating.

Suggesting she quit her job, IMO is pretty unrealistic. Start looking for a different job, but do not up and quit. Your H will want to know why you suddenly up and quit, plus I'm assuming you need the income. A lot of people are having difficulty finding jobs.

The contact with this OM needs to stop. Like I said, I haven't read all the replies but if you are conversing with him for anything other than business related it needs to stop immediately.

You can't change what has already been done, so do yourself a favor and stop beating yourself up over it. All you can do is learn from this mistake and not repeat the behavior.

I wouldn't tell your H while he is deployed. He's under enough stress as it is and being distracted by something like this could be a fatal mistake.

I would also suggest counseling for yourself.

Good luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Arnold

She needs to understand that the angry posters have been hurt, destroyed, humiliated by people who acted as she did. She used the word "allow" yourselves to be poisoned. Shows she has no understanding of the gradual healing process. 
I think she is one of the more remorseful cheaters, and they are rare. But, to come on a board filled with folks that have been abused by cheating, and to expect there to be no backlash to saying things like her sensitive neck led to the cheating is absurd.
She got excellent advice re disclosing to her H asap.
This whole "bitter" label is nuts. Of course folks will be bitter.That is the most natural reaction to this in the world. If this experience has not left a bitter tast in one's mouth, I don't know what would. Sheesh-bitter?


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## Initfortheduration

In the first place she never went in to what they did. So people can think anything. I personally don't give a rats a$$ if she was offended. It comes with the territory......cheating. Oh and thanks for the psych exam. In truth she had a variety of opinions. She thinks we're bitter? She hasn't experienced bitter yet. And when she finally lets her husband know what shes done. She will get to experience his "bitterness".


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## Badblood

I only wanted her to be upfront with us, and she never did, until her last post. I truly wanted to help her, but she made that impossible by her defensive attitude. If you are going to come on a site like this and refuse to be open , how can any of us help? We can only go by the information we are given. ?Without knowing what went down, we are not able to tell her our opinions on her best course of action. For a cheater to come here and ask posters, many of whom are BS'S , to be non-judgmental is foolish.


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## Badblood

Person91 said:


> K, for the last time, (thought it was clear before but apparently not) I made out with the guy, we kissed, he kissed my neck and face, and touched my arms, legs and waist, he grabbed my @$$ once but that stopped right quick. Nothing more happened, that's the truth of it, if you don't believe me that's your problem not mine.
> Also, why do I get the feeling that many of you aren't actually angry with me but yourselves or your significant others? You feel the need to tear down a woman who is already at rock bottom, who hasn't eaten since she F***** up, hasn't slept, hasn't stopped thinking about this, has barely been able to keep from crying in public, who has determined the best way to off herself, who started off saying nothing you can say will make me feel worse than I do right now (still holds true). I don't think any of you actually understand what I'm going through, in fact, I KNOW none of you do. I feel sorry for anyone who is ignorant like I was and thinks they will find a good amount of help here, there's mostly cruelty, judgement, and hate here. There was some good advice, but I feel I could have come to my conclusions on my own. There are some here whom I have thanked, I just want to say it again, Thank You! I appreciate what you had to say. To the bitter members who allowed themselves to be poisoned by actions similar to mine, you need as much help as I do. Your inability to separate your anger from past experiences and the actions of others will destroy you. For your sake, I hope the wounds from your past heal. I won't be back to this thread, so I don't care what you say after this, I won't see it, I won't respond to it. I've a marriage to work for, and a husband to love. My husband was hurt by this, but he said that it's in the past, it won't happen again, so now is the time to move on... all of you need to do the same.


Why didn't she say this , in the beginning?


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## JustaJerk

Those that cheat with a co-worker are inclined to quit or look for a job elsewhwere because part of reconciliation requires NC. How is she going to do that if she works alongside him??? That's why it is suggested people in workplace affairs look for employment elsewhere; hence, she must quit at some point.


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## working_together

Person91 said:


> K, for the last time, (thought it was clear before but apparently not) I made out with the guy, we kissed, he kissed my neck and face, and touched my arms, legs and waist, he grabbed my @$$ once but that stopped right quick. Nothing more happened, that's the truth of it, if you don't believe me that's your problem not mine.
> Also, why do I get the feeling that many of you aren't actually angry with me but yourselves or your significant others? You feel the need to tear down a woman who is already at rock bottom, who hasn't eaten since she F***** up, hasn't slept, hasn't stopped thinking about this, has barely been able to keep from crying in public, who has determined the best way to off herself, who started off saying nothing you can say will make me feel worse than I do right now (still holds true). I don't think any of you actually understand what I'm going through, in fact, I KNOW none of you do. I feel sorry for anyone who is ignorant like I was and thinks they will find a good amount of help here, there's mostly cruelty, judgement, and hate here. There was some good advice, but I feel I could have come to my conclusions on my own. There are some here whom I have thanked, I just want to say it again, Thank You! I appreciate what you had to say. To the bitter members who allowed themselves to be poisoned by actions similar to mine, you need as much help as I do. Your inability to separate your anger from past experiences and the actions of others will destroy you. For your sake, I hope the wounds from your past heal. I won't be back to this thread, so I don't care what you say after this, I won't see it, I won't respond to it. I've a marriage to work for, and a husband to love. My husband was hurt by this, but he said that it's in the past, it won't happen again, so now is the time to move on... all of you need to do the same.


I understand completly what you're going through, been there myself. BUT, this is nothing compared to what your husband will feel, the devistation, humiliation, loss of manhood....you name it.

Listen to what people are saying here, they've been on the other side, and know the pain your husband will feel. It's to show you what you've done to harm your marriage, not to lash out at you....read my thread, and the comments that were posted, yeah, it hurt like hell, and the truth really hurts, but you really need to understand the hell you have put your husband through.


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## DelinquentGurl

I didn't call anyone bitter, I simply said that a lot of posts are rude, which they are.

I understand the hurt and anger that comes with being cheated on, but it isn't the OP's fault that I was cheated on so I shouldn't take it out on her. This is her situation, it's not for me to make it about me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FrankKissel

DelinquentGurl said:


> I didn't call anyone bitter, I simply said that a lot of posts are rude, which they are.
> 
> I understand the hurt and anger that comes with being cheated on, but it isn't the OP's fault that I was cheated on so I shouldn't take it out on her. This is her situation, it's not for me to make it about me.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Amen.
This thread was filled with posts that offered no help or advice, only spite and, dareisay, BSs projecting onto her.
To defend such posts as somehow necessary to show her the pain she's inflicted is ridiculous, not to mention self-serving. She already seems to have a pretty good idea that's she's caused a lot of heartachge, and moreover, she'll see the pain she's inflicted when she discloses to her husband. He, by the way, is the only person who has the right to be bitter toward her. He is the aggrieved party, not some anonymous posters on an Internet message board who take out their personal frustrations under the guise of 'helping.'
Note: what I say above doesn't go for everyone who's posted in this thread.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans

Frank & Deliquent - I also posted about that yesterday...about the rude comments and no productive advice by certain posters to the OPs. This week, people have been especially harsh.


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## JustaJerk

Not using it as an excuse, but maybe the holidays are especially hard on these people who were bashing. And yeah... they were projecting.


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## Jellybeans

Holidays are not an excuse.


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## JustaJerk

> Not using it as an excuse


Umm... I think I said that.


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## Jellybeans

Um and I think when someone says "I'm not using it as an excuse BUT..."

"But" always gives me a chuckle... Cause it discounts everything before. 

:lol:


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## Badblood

Pretty pious bunch, aren't you. If the OP had given out the right info, she would have gotten the right advice. Most of the posters, who are BS's understand that it's as much about WHAT she did as it is about who or when. The OP had a chip on her shoulder from her very first post, and was evasive and defensive throughout. If she had been as honest in her first post as she was in her last post, NONE of this would have happened. I bear her no ill-will and am not bitter at all, but I can't help unless I know what the true situation is, and neither can anyone else.


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## JustaJerk

You're overanalyzing just to prove a point now.


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## Jellybeans

Badblood said:


> Pretty pious bunch, aren't you.
> 
> If she had been as honest in her first post as she was in her last post, NONE of this would have happened.


I don't think we're a "pious" bunch. 

None of what would have happened? The bashing? And, I don't think we're a "pious" bunch.


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## Badblood

None of the supposed bashing. Most of it was trying to get info, but she was being evasive.


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## FrankKissel

Badblood said:


> None of the supposed bashing. Most of it was trying to get info, but she was being evasive.


She was not being evasive. Her first post said she made out with the guy. Her last post said ... she made out with the guy. Oh, and he touched her rear briefly. Egads ... Liar!!!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans

Badblood said:


> None of the supposed bashing. Most of it was trying to get info, but she was being evasive.


"Supposed" bashing??? More like, outright bashing.

Anyway, hopefully the OP comes back to post.


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## Halien

Jellybeans said:


> Frank & Deliquent - I also posted about that yesterday...about the rude comments and no productive advice by certain posters to the OPs. This week, people have been especially harsh.


There's a fine line between being realistic and being rude, I think. I think realism is okay, but rude is not.

On the opposite hand, one or two posters come across as advice from simpering, romance novel-inspired posters who inadvertantly convey that the OPs husband will receive this news with 100% pragmatism and joy. In real life, you won't find the military types listening to the soundtrack of "The Sound of Music" in the background, and sipping chamomile as they listen to the OP while she recites the advice given by these types. If it were me, I'd be more inclined to be light on my feet, dodging the verbal arrows, and incredibly specific and practical when giving the news.


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## Badblood

Absolutely right, Halien. You see, Jellybean and Frank, I am a Marine. I don't give half-a**ed advice based upon half-a**ed information. Besides that, if a WS is being defensive, they are not being remorseful. The OP came her to ask advice about "fixing", her mistake, the refused to tell what had happened. Read her posts for yourselves. She trickled truthed us , most likely she will trickle truth her husband , too. She said that they just kissed, at first, then she said that they kissed, and he felt her up. Could there be more? The trouble with evasion is that it ruins your credibility.


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## Jellybeans

Halien said:


> There's a fine line between being realistic and being rude, I think. I think realism is okay, but rude is not.


I totally agree with you.


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## FrankKissel

Badblood said:


> She trickled truthed us , most likely she will trickle truth her husband , too. She said that they just kissed, at first, then she said that they kissed, and he felt her up. Could there be more? The trouble with evasion is that it ruins your credibility.


Oh, give me a break. On what planet does touching her butt briefly qualify as being 'felt up?' You've got to have pretty long arms to make that reach.

Maybe when you make out with your significant other you both keep your hands planted firmly at your sides. But for the rest of us I would suspect, 'making out' connotates some light touching.
Methinks you're just trying to rationalize the over-the-top response to this woman.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Saffron

Whatcha going to do. We all have different experiences with infidelity, so it's normal that we all have different reactions to these posts. Some posters pick up a vibe that the OP was hiding something and not being honest, so of course it's going to affect their emotions and how they post. 

Good situation of "know your audience", the majority of people posting on this thread will be hypersensitive to cheating scenarios. A cheater being defensive at all, even if it is in an understandable situation like feeling attacked, can trigger strong reactions from BSs. I too could feel my hackles getting raised as soon as I sensed the OP getting defensive. I hope I was respectful in my posts, but defensiveness puts me on edge even if warranted. 

In some sense I'm damaged goods, I question everything and doubt the truth in many situations. I'm a big skeptic now. Look at today and the apparent wave of cheaters posting looking for advice regarding their own affairs. Deep down, part of me wonders if they are all real scenarios or if someone or some group is trolling to stir the pot. I'm suspicious in a way I never used to be, sad but true.


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## Darkhorse

Oh I see now. lol. Wow.


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## Jellybeans




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## Initfortheduration

:iagree::iagree::iagree:


Badblood said:


> Pretty pious bunch, aren't you. If the OP had given out the right info, she would have gotten the right advice. Most of the posters, who are BS's understand that it's as much about WHAT she did as it is about who or when. The OP had a chip on her shoulder from her very first post, and was evasive and defensive throughout. If she had been as honest in her first post as she was in her last post, NONE of this would have happened. I bear her no ill-will and am not bitter at all, but I can't help unless I know what the true situation is, and neither can anyone else.


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## Badblood

Okay, Frank, we disagree. But she was defensive, and evasive, for whatever reason. As far as having any axe to grind, I'm innocent, except, like Saffron says, we BS's aren't as trusting as we once were.


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## Arnold

Jellybeans said:


> Frank & Deliquent - I also posted about that yesterday...about the rude comments and no productive advice by certain posters to the OPs. This week, people have been especially harsh.


It's National Harsh Week. Didn't anyone tell you?


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## Arnold

FrankKissel said:


> Oh, give me a break. On what planet does touching her butt briefly qualify as being 'felt up?' You've got to have pretty long arms to make that reach.
> 
> Maybe when you make out with your significant other you both keep your hands planted firmly at your sides. But for the rest of us I would suspect, 'making out' connotates some light touching.
> Methinks you're just trying to rationalize the over-the-top response to this woman.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Eh, Butt caressing is "feeling down" vs up.


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## Jellybeans

Arnold said:


> It's National Harsh Week. Didn't anyone tell you?


No. I guess a couple of us were not included in the memo.


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## Arnold

Jellybeans said:


> No. I guess a couple of us were not included in the memo.


Probably because you are so harsh, already. Must have thought you would go over the top.


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## Jellybeans

You must have me confused with someone else.


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## Arnold

Just practicing my "no more Mr Nice guy" stuff. If I say you are harsh, you are harsh. Got it?


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## COguy

I didn't read any of the posts up till this page. Here are my $.02.

First, from a BS perspective, do not, under any circumstance, get defensive or try to hide any of the truth. Your husband will get pissed, he may yell or scream and name call. Be the bigger person and accept the anger without getting defensive. Don't make any excuses or get upset that he is mad.

Second, do not be evasive at all. My wife did this when she started telling me stuff, and it really dragged out the process. At first she told me she was super drunk and falling asleep, then I found out she wanted it, then I found out they did it all over the room. That made me completely untrusting of anything she was telling me. Just "man" up and be honest about what happened without pulling punches. I can tell you that if you say "we kissed" and that changes to "we made out" and that changes to "he touched my ass", he's going to keep pestering you expecting that you tell him more and more every time. So just take one on the chin and tell him the worst-case scenario up front and let him lead you on details. It's much easier to say he was groping you and heavy making out and then have your husband find out he squeezed your ass while kissing (it will feel like a relief). Vs telling him you "just kissed" and then finding you he had his hands all over you while you tongued eachother for 10 minutes. In that case, he will want to strangle you and not trust a word you say going forward.

In response to the OP, you sound remorseful. I think you understand this was a mistake that will cause pain and have consequences. You just learned the hard way that you're not fallible and you need to take active precautions against cheating. Consider it a blessing that you didn't end up screwing the guy, since you obviously have a hard time saying no. Going forward, knowing that you are a human and capable of screwing up, do not put yourself in situations where this is possible. Obviously a guy going out of his way to touch you or kiss you or "make you feel good" is a warning sign that you need to RUN.

Everyone screws up. Everyone makes mistakes. What separates decent individuals from the garbage is what you do when you realize you screwed up. Take responsibility for your actions, and take steps to ensure it doesn't happen again. Your husband will be upset, if you show true remorse and do what he needs to heal, you will most likely recover from it. I can tell you that my wife cheating on me was the best thing to happen to my marriage, even though it is/was the most painful experience of my life.


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## DelinquentGurl

Arnold said:


> It's National Harsh Week. Didn't anyone tell you?



Now you tell me!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DelinquentGurl

COguy said:


> I didn't read any of the posts up till this page. Here are my $.02.
> 
> First, from a BS perspective, do not, under any circumstance, get defensive or try to hide any of the truth. Your husband will get pissed, he may yell or scream and name call. Be the bigger person and accept the anger without getting defensive. Don't make any excuses or get upset that he is mad.
> 
> Second, do not be evasive at all. My wife did this when she started telling me stuff, and it really dragged out the process. At first she told me she was super drunk and falling asleep, then I found out she wanted it, then I found out they did it all over the room. That made me completely untrusting of anything she was telling me. Just "man" up and be honest about what happened without pulling punches. I can tell you that if you say "we kissed" and that changes to "we made out" and that changes to "he touched my ass", he's going to keep pestering you expecting that you tell him more and more every time. So just take one on the chin and tell him the worst-case scenario up front and let him lead you on details. It's much easier to say he was groping you and heavy making out and then have your husband find out he squeezed your ass while kissing (it will feel like a relief). Vs telling him you "just kissed" and then finding you he had his hands all over you while you tongued eachother for 10 minutes. In that case, he will want to strangle you and not trust a word you say going forward.
> 
> In response to the OP, you sound remorseful. I think you understand this was a mistake that will cause pain and have consequences. You just learned the hard way that you're not fallible and you need to take active precautions against cheating. Consider it a blessing that you didn't end up screwing the guy, since you obviously have a hard time saying no. Going forward, knowing that you are a human and capable of screwing up, do not put yourself in situations where this is possible. Obviously a guy going out of his way to touch you or kiss you or "make you feel good" is a warning sign that you need to RUN.
> 
> Everyone screws up. Everyone makes mistakes. What separates decent individuals from the garbage is what you do when you realize you screwed up. Take responsibility for your actions, and take steps to ensure it doesn't happen again. Your husband will be upset, if you show true remorse and do what he needs to heal, you will most likely recover from it. I can tell you that my wife cheating on me was the best thing to happen to my marriage, even though it is/was the most painful experience of my life.


THIS x1000

Great post.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## whammy

I need to call you out. This is something you wanted. If i was a married woman and another man was hitting on me and clearly trying to get between me and my husband... he would never be in my house alone late at night unless i wanted him too be... dont say you love someone with all your heart when you purposely plan to give your sexual attention to someone else.


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## sadcalifornian

I think this thread is heading into WW bashing with mob mentality. I think everyone should cool off a little. 

Out of all the despicable WW, or WH for that matter, out there, OP has decided to come here to share her story, own up to her fault, and seek advices to fix her situation. Give her some credit here. And, give her some genuine advices instead of words to make her feel smaller than she already does. 

Those harsh words should be saved for those WS who refuse to see the light, and OP has passed that stage. She owned up to her action, which is pretty clear from her post after post.

Give her some break!


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## working_together

I guess the bottom line here is that everyone here is seeking the same thing.....advice.

The problem as I see it, is that a lot of WS who initially post are usually still deep in the fog and their posts really show that from the comments they make. I get it that it triggers other posters (BS), and they just can't believe someone is writing this stuff. This type of poster usually posts, and does not stay long because of the responses they are not ready to hear, so then they start to feel slammed.

The other problem is that the posters that come here once out of the fog, and have decided to do whatever they can to save their marriage sometimes get the same feedback. They came here seeking help because they really don't know what to do at this point. Constructive critisism is good for them as to open their eyes as it did for me. But what they also need is the support and some tools and examples from others as to what worked for them in their marriage and what they wanted from their spouse during R. I don't want to make this about me, but this type of support has been helpful for me when trying to show my husband that I am committed to working on the marriage. I continue to make bad choices and that's why I keep coming back, I want to hear from others what I need to do to fix things. 

Make sense?


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## calif_hope

Person91

Just read your thread, I agree you need to clear the air with your husband, ask for forgiveness, and take the pain and anger he will direct at you (exception : physical).

The fact that you 'made out' with the same guy you told your husband was flirting with you will make things much worse. You shared with your husband the OM actions, I know you sharing this made him proud, more secure that you two have a relationship that is that open and secure. It makes the betrayal much worse.

In regards to telling him while deployed....I differ from what is posted. I served in the combat arms, I led men in Iran / Afganistan - while in harms way you need a single focus, no distractions, losing your focus to what is happening at home or dealing with emotions cab be deadly to you or worse to the men you lead.

If your husband is on a combat arm unit, if he has to make life and death decisions doing his duty - FOR GOD SAKES DON'T TELL HIM WHILE DEPLOYED...

If he is in a support unit, or staff job......use your best judgement...my vote I wouldn't until he got home, communication access or lack if can be very frustrating - the distance can be scary, the insecurity can develop mind movies that are so much worse than the truth.......it will taint the homecoming....I don't know you or your husband so it's hard to give absolute advice.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dexter Morgan

Person91 said:


> I love my husband with all my heart.


If that were true, you wouldn't have cheated.



> I want to make things right. It being my husband is deployed, he won't know till he comes home. He has a job to do, and I refuse to be a coward about this and tell him in a letter, or over the phone. If my husband is to know about this, it will be from me.


As it should. You cheat on the man while risking his life for his country. Nice, real nice.

So I agree, you need to tell him when he gets back. Last thing he needs is to be deployed and feeling helpless if he knows he has a wife back home that is cheating.



> I will force myself to look him in the eyes, I deserve at least that.
> *I'm* to blame for this, and *I* need to fix this.
> 
> I guess what I'm asking for is advice. Any advice you have is welcome.  Please, I need help


Only way to truly fix this is to set him free. Unless he is just this over forgiving fool, there isn't much you can really do but bend over backwards to do everything he expects of you if he is to give you a 2nd chance.

But again, he'll end up wondering what the hell you are up to next time he is deployed.

Our military men and women don't need to have that on their minds being married to people like you. So it will be really hard for him to say the least.


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## Dexter Morgan

COguy said:


> I didn't read any of the posts up till this page. Here are my $.02.
> 
> First, from a BS perspective, do not, under any circumstance, get defensive or try to hide any of the truth. Your husband will get pissed, he may yell or scream and name call. *Be the bigger person* and accept the anger without getting defensive. Don't make any excuses or get upset that he is mad.


While I agree with your sentiments above, to say the bolded part is to imply that the husband will be petty and not as "big" as his wife if he understandably gets angry.

The cheater isn't the bigger person regardless of the betrayed spouse's reaction to her cheating.


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## Dexter Morgan

Person91 said:


> I planned on telling my husband anything and everything, I'm just not going to blab it to the entirety of the internet.


I think you husband deserves the respect of confronting both you and the OM together. If your husband wishes this, you should honor it provided your H agrees not to get violent (not that I'd blame him for cherishing the thought)

Would you be up for offering you and the OM to sit down and explain that it will never happen again?


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## Dexter Morgan

Arnold said:


> She needs to understand that the angry posters have been hurt, destroyed, humiliated by people who acted as she did. She used the word "allow" yourselves to be poisoned. Shows she has no understanding of the gradual healing process.


Exactly. I have left my cheating x-wife far behind. Wasn't going to devalue my life by staying with her. Still doesn't mean I can't tell a story from the perspective of someone who has been betrayed. 

OP states her husband wants to put it in the past and that he is hurt, but it sounds like he forgave way too easy and quickly.

Does anyone really think that the next time he is deployed he isn't going to be wondering what his wife is doing and with who?




> I think she is one of the more remorseful cheaters, and they are rare.


I agree, I think she is remorseful and if anyone has a chance to make it up to their husband it is her. And boy she better make it up to him BIG TIME.




> But, to come on a board filled with folks that have been abused by cheating, and to expect there to be no backlash to saying things like her sensitive neck led to the cheating is absurd.


Yes, I was going to answer he assertion of how a cheater should feel and behave by saying, "of course you feel this way, you were the perpetrator, not the victim"




> She got excellent advice re disclosing to her H asap.
> This whole "bitter" label is nuts.


I call it the bitter lame. And its thrown out by people who don't know the meaning of the word humility and contrition.


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## morituri

With all due respect to my fellow forum members but without the OP to respond to the comments, this thread is beginning to resemble a carcass picked on by scavengers.


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## sinnister

A rotting dead horse?


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## COguy

Dexter Morgan said:


> While I agree with your sentiments above, to say the bolded part is to imply that the husband will be petty and not as "big" as his wife if he understandably gets angry.
> 
> The cheater isn't the bigger person regardless of the betrayed spouse's reaction to her cheating.


Probably should have used more carefully chosen words. I was more referring to screaming, name calling type behavior. I mean a normal response to hearing about an affair could be to call your wife a dirty f*ing *****. That kind of thing is going to sting, so it takes this extra fortitude to just accept what is being said and not try to defend the action (which is probably the default response of most human beings). A person that can take the licks doesn't make them a better person in this case, I'm more trying to get across that you need to step up and be the punching bag if needed while the emotions are worked through.

Maybe a better choice of words is "Be extremely patient, prepare to be a punching bag for a time."

The time to make your spouse understand why you were unfaithful will come, it is certainly not while they are angry or bitter about the betrayal.


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## Jellybeans

This thread is from 2011...


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## Fvstringpicker

Person91 said:


> I'm aware of the consequences of my actions, but does my stupidity have to harm my husband as well?
> I agree it is his life too...... I just wish I could take all the pain myself, and not let him hurt at all.... just a wish.


Other than allowing you to dump your guilt, I really don't see a lot of upside to telling him. (If this was truely "just kissing" it doesn't seem a lot for you to have to live with. If you stopped it before it got further down the road, you can find solace in that). Bear in mind that if you meet this guy again for any reason, he'll get into your britches and whether you admit it or not, it will be what you want. When the shock/guilt of how far you let this thing go subsides, you'll be vulnerable again. Honestly, by allowing him to kiss your cheek, etc., you were setting the stage (no pun intended) for this to go further. When he asked to let him know if he's going too far and you said nothing, what message do you think you were sending? Hubby is going to be asking the same question. Keep your mouth shut until you can figure this thing out.


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