# What's bugging him?



## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

Hubz has been really irritable with me the last few weeks. He's usually laid back and cheery so it's a striking change.

He's quiet around me. Won't come and find me when he gets in from work to say hi or just make his presence known. Doesn't want to engage in much conversation. 

He's been downright nasty to me a handful of times - went overboard and a couple of times just picked me apart for stuff that no way merited that response.

The other thing is he's started not fighting fair. He cuts me off when I start saying something and tells me I'm clearly wrong because xyz... When if he let me finish speaking, he'd find out I was actually going to say what he said anyway! Like he's already decided I'm wrong... The mad thing is he doesn't realise he's arguing over something we actually agree about! Then when I finally get wound up, he 'shushes" me so patronisingly for raising my voice to try and be heard!

I've asked him a couple of times if there's anything bothering him, or if I have done something or am doing something to p!ss him ff but he says no, he's just stressed and tired from work.

I don't know what to think because even in his old job where he worked longer hours with more physical work, he was never like this. It just feels like it's ME that's irritating him, which bothers me because I've changed a lot in positive ways of late so I can't work out if he's being honest or if something else is getting to him that he's not letting on about for whatever reason.

Should I approach it again with him or do something else?
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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

What are the positive ways you have changed? It could be positive for you but not him.


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## Jung_admirer (Jun 26, 2013)

tobio said:


> Hubz has been really irritable with me the last few weeks. He's usually laid back and cheery so it's a striking change.
> 
> He's quiet around me. Won't come and find me when he gets in from work to say hi or just make his presence known. Doesn't want to engage in much conversation.
> 
> ...


Your husband is very angry about something. Whether it is about you or something else, only he can say. Set his anger aside for a moment. Don't ask him what's wrong, tell him how his mistreatment of you makes you feel. 

For example, "I feel abandoned when you interrupt me. It make me feel worthless, as if what I have to say is not important to you". 

He may not want to share his issue with you. Let him know you are available to listen, but his mistreatment of you must be discussed. Kindest Regards-


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

When was the last time you had sex with him? Is he often rejected? 

OR....it very well could be work related. Or someone at work stressing him out. That happens to me sometimes. I'll realize an issue at work is going to blow up and I'll be stressed and grumpy at home.

OR....how old is he? Does he have goals? Has he accomplished some goals lately? I'm just curious is it's possibly a MLC starting.

How is the health of his parents? Other family members? Sometimes there's an issue there but he won't want to talk about it. Does he often internalize his emotions?


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Actually I just read some of your other posts. He kind of sounds like he's just that way. That is, he's an ass much of the time. Am I off base there?


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Actually I just read some of your other posts. He kind of sounds like he's just that way. That is, he's an ass much of the time. Am I off base there?


I was kind of thinking the same way.

Tobio - Based on your previous posts, it seems like you are constantly trying to "force" this relationship to work but keep coming up with problems.


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

I changed for myself and us. I am now better at saying what I mean and being direct. Setting boundaries and understanding people's behaviours and motivations and not taking things personally. I am stronger.

And yep, something is clearly bothering him. He has apologised in indirect ways but tbh it's felt more like a 'ticking the boxes' set of wpologies rather than him showing any insight into how I feel from his behaviour.

He's never rejected. If anything I'm the one that would like it more.

I know he is tired from work and stressed. I'm just not sure what would have prompted a change as he was fine before and his work s quite straightforward. Small things go wrong but there's not much else that can go wrong.

He's early thirties. Nothing signficant has happened recently in our lives. No major health issues either.
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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

He can be a plank. Yes. I think this bothers me more as I felt things had been good and still getting better for a while. I'd been hoping for things to be steady. I just don't want to take this thing personally if it's not about me at all.
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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

He's probably not happy that you are sticking to your boundaries. 
Can you give examples?


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## inquizitivemind (Jul 16, 2013)

You should take it personally when someone is short with you. Regardless if you did anything wrong or not, it hurts. You just need to tell him that he is hurting you and how you feel exactly when he says stuff. That is never okay behavior in a relationship.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Hope I am wrong but could there be someone else in the picture? He cheated before. Is he still working in the police department? Do some discrete investigating. 

Police are notorious for cheating. Does he have any contact with the woman he kissed? It is not uncommon for cheaters to pick fights. Makes them feel justified for the betrayal. 

I am going to be brutally blunt. I hope I am wrong. You say that you have to approach him for sex. I don't know. My feeling is that he may not be sexually attracted to you. 

I don't mean to worry you but stepping back and looking at all that yiu have said over the last few years, I don't feel he is happy to be married. 

If he does not have a strong sexual attraction to you, he may be dealing with frequent temptation. 

Dont ask him about this, he will never tell you. Think about it and observe. Somehow you need to decrease your reactivity towards him. Do you think he feels smothered. 

I would not ask him whats up. I think you should make a simple statement - you don't speak to him like that so don't speak to yu. Walk away. 

Try to quiet your anxiety and give him space. When he is nice be nice back. When he is nasty, don't stay around and just take it don't argue. Just disengage until he is nice. Stop giving more tahna you get from him. 

In my opinion, you need to be as independent as possible. Go back to work full time. develop friends and go out with them. Get in shape, exercise. Dress well and wear makeup. 

What ever you do, don't look like a mommy. Don't act like his mother. If you are critical, bite your tongue.

There is a fine balance you have to strike. Be a confident woman who is sure of her drawing power. Don't let him think that you have no options. Let him know you want him as a man but its a choice.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

tobio said:


> I've asked him a couple of times if there's anything bothering him, or if I have done something or am doing something to p!ss him ff but he says no, he's just stressed and tired from work.


He's lying. The only question is why.

When a spouse lies like this they've already taken an adversarial position vis-a-vis the spouse. That is what you tell him. You are not imagining. You are not stupid. It is his duty to communicate honestly with you. 

If there is ANY chance of this being an affair, then you need a different strategy. You have to go into 007 spy mode without alerting him to it so he doesn't drive it underground and destroy evidence. 

So.... is there full transparency with computer and cell phone? Know the passwords? Does he have unexplained absences, late from work a lot, and things that just don't add up?


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Is he guilty about something?


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

With the boundaries, it's things like if he does speak to me rudely, I leave the room or simply disengage or ignore stupid comments. I also refuse to pretend things are okay if he says hurtful things and when he asks what's the matter, I explain why and that he needs to apologise. I don't mope about like I used to, I just carry on until he comes to me.

An affair? Hmm... This has crossed my mind. Not a full-blown thing but the thought he has feelings for someone. He works in a small team with a man and a woman. The woman is our age (early/mid thirties), single and lives alone. He has spoken about her and said she's not his type at all and no way is he attracted to her... but if he was, he's hardly going to tell me is he?

I've kept an ear on what he's said about her and there've been a couple of instances where I've thought some interaction has been a bit 'familiar.' Nothing line-crossing but that kind of personal taking-the-mickey that comes with knowing someone well. But thereagain I AM super-sensitive to things like this after his EA episode so it's possible I may just be reading into it more than there is, looking for a reason why he's been like this at home.
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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

Oh and no other signs of anything amiss. I do keep a low-key eye and check from time to time but there's nothing I've noticed. I will check again with call records etc as I haven't done that for a while and rarely look at his phone. Had no reason to.
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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

tobio said:


> With the boundaries, it's things like if he does speak to me rudely, I leave the room or simply disengage or ignore stupid comments. I also refuse to pretend things are okay if he says hurtful things and when he asks what's the matter, I explain why and that he needs to apologise. I don't mope about like I used to, I just carry on until he comes to me.
> 
> An affair? Hmm... This has crossed my mind. Not a full-blown thing but the thought he has feelings for someone. He works in a small team with a man and a woman. The woman is our age (early/mid thirties), single and lives alone. He has spoken about her and said she's not his type at all and no way is he attracted to her... but if he was, he's hardly going to tell me is he?
> 
> ...


Maybe he's upset that you have changed. I think people try to get you to change back when you start standing up for yourself.


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## ps4isGreat (Jul 28, 2013)

It sounds like he's feeling guilty of something and it probably is an affair. I know this is not what you want to hear but I don't see an alternative. If its not, you need to stick up for your self and put your foot down. Let him him know its not cool for you to be worried you might say the wrong thing to set him off. What ever his issue is, communication is key


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

He apologised twice over the weekend. Said he was sorry for being irritable towards me.

The first time when I asked him (again) if there was anything I had done, he mentioned a couple of things that had bothered him. Now, I don't want to be disrespectful of his feelings, but these were relatively minor things that don't really explain his continued irritability.

I've checked out his email, phone etc and everything checks out fine. 

I suppose he could have just been taking his work stress out on me. I don't know. I definitely don't feel too connected to him recently.
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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

He's now continuing to do one of the things that was annoying me - correcting everything I say. He's being so pedantic. It's madness. And I wish I was exaggerating. Heaven forbid I use slightly the "wrong" word, or have an opinion about something. He's being such a tool. 

Clearly I am irritating him in some way. Really sad, I thought he'd be pleased to see me, I came back late with the kids from a trip out today. Not looking like it.
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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

It sounds more like he is irritating you.


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