# Thoughts on SIL's behaviour?



## -Molly- (Jul 10, 2018)

Hey everyone, I am just looking for some ideas on what could be going on with my SIL as I really don't know myself, and I haven't seen any threads on here that are similar.

Background:

My brother and her have been married over 20 years, they were always extremely close, they did everything together. Then they had 2 kids. Now it was the 4 of them doing everything together. I never seen such a close knit family. Fast forward to today. The kids are now 16 & 18, so obviously things are different now. I think it was at least a few years ago, she met a girl and they became "best friends". This girl has been married twice, I think right when the two met, she was recently divorced from H#2. And it's since she met this girl that things have changed.

This girl just wanted to have fun and party (I guess because she was recently divorced? I don't know) so it has now progressed to this group of 4 girls. They all go out and get drunk together, party at the bars, go on trips overseas to warm places, where again, it's party and drink. So this is all she does now. She goes to work, and hangs out with this group. My bro has to go pick her up at bars at 4am because she's too drunk to get home. Meanwhile, he is also working, cooking, cleaning, fixing the cars, fixing the house etc. Of course this is starting to cause strain, she is drinking more and more.

What I can't figure out is why?? She is mid 40s. What is going on that she's starting living her own life basically, with this group of girls and her "new best friend?" and ignoring her family.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

No one knows but her! You aren't her, you'll not be able to figure it out accurately.

Also, it's really between your brother and his wife....


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

What's going on is your brother is rolling over and playing dead. Maybe he has his own playmate.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

It’s not uncommon for women to put on a happy face for their kids and make their marriage work and once the kids are grown up then they do what they want.


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## -Molly- (Jul 10, 2018)

Blondilocks said:


> What's going on is your brother is rolling over and playing dead. * Maybe he has his own playmate*.


I really don't think that's the case. he works 12 hour shifts, and besides taking care of the house and kids, after work, he is home preparing supper. the kids are both involved in sports, so every evening and weekends he is taking them to their games. (she used to help with that, but only once in a while now) he doesn't have time for another woman! He is going from 6am to 11pm between work and kids everyday.



Girl_power said:


> It’s not uncommon for women to put on a happy face for their kids and make their marriage work and once the kids are grown up then they do what they want.


That's why I thought it important to include the kids ages now. I was kinda wondering if this played apart?


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

-Molly- said:


> I really don't think that's the case. he works 12 hour shifts, and besides taking care of the house and kids, after work, he is home preparing supper. the kids are both involved in sports, so every evening and weekends he is taking them to their games. (she used to help with that, but only once in a while now) he doesn't have time for another woman! He is going from 6am to 11pm between work and kids everyday.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Exactly. Maybe she has been over him for a while... it’s too hard to really know looking from the outside. Only his wife knows.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

She is acting like a teenager, not a wife and mum of teenagers. They need to sit down and talk about what is going on, because there is no way that I would put up with what your brother is. Nothing will change though unless he puts his foot down and demands that she do her fair share and makes some changes. 
Honestly I think he would be better off without her. 
Oh and a married lady spending lots of time with single and divorced women is a terrible idea, and he needs to stop going to collect her in the early hours of the morning.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

It's natural, I think, to branch out socially once the kids are old enough to be home by themselves.

It's not natural, though, to establish a group of toxic friends to live the life of an alcoholic party girl with.

Your SIL is asking for trouble. She may be cheating on your brother on her GNOs. Your brother should get some help to confront this behavior. The toxic friends have to go. He has every right to expect honorable, adult behavior from his wife. His kids have every right to expect mature, responsible behavior from their mother.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Get ready all hell is about to break loose. You better warn your brother.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

She has chosen her priorities, she would rather be a drunk bar fly than a wife and mother. The reason doesn't really matter, she is on her way out, and she is going to put the family thru hell as she goes.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

-Molly- said:


> I really don't think that's the case. he works 12 hour shifts, and besides taking care of the house and kids, after work, he is home preparing supper. the kids are both involved in sports, so every evening and weekends he is taking them to their games. (she used to help with that, but only once in a while now) he doesn't have time for another woman! He is going from 6am to 11pm between work and kids everyday.


How long has he been working 12 hour shifts? How long ago did she stop being part of the 4-member close-knit group?


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## SecondWind (May 10, 2019)

12 hr shifts can wear on a marriage if it has been going on for some time. They might have become co workers in the home rather than a loving married couple. She sounds likes she has thrown in the towel. The only way to recover any semblance of a marriage is if they both make the marriage a priority. Your brother needs to set some boundaries, spend quality time with her and she needs to stop going to bars with girl friends. You can't fix his marriage though. He has to do a sort of intervention/confrontation and go from there.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> What's going on is your brother is rolling over and playing dead. *Maybe he has his own playmate.*


Maybe, would seemingly justify her behavior.
Not be, would signify some other mental trauma that hast befallen her.

Some truth:
She has fallen from grace.
Or, she never had grace.

If she has fallen from grace, what caused this?
Was she always 'just on the precipice' of falling off the cliff, and now has taken the plunge?

I suspect their marriage was one of those that looked good from the outside.

From what Molly describes, her brother is a good man, a good father. It would be easy to say he cheated in the past.
Sometimes the easiest answer is the correct one, aka, Occam's razor.

Another easy answer is that her SIL has been an an alcoholic for years. Alcohol eventually destroys one's sensibilities and destroys boundaries.
She is a captive to the devil in the bottle.

The SIL may have always suffered from depression, and alcohol has been her 'release' mechanism.

Just Sayin'





[THM]- THRD


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Cooper said:


> She has chosen her priorities, she would rather be a drunk bar fly than a wife and mother. The reason doesn't really matter, she is on her way out, and she is going to put the family thru hell as she goes.


Yes...

Witness the _downward spiral_. 

We have all seen these sad folks in bars. 
These sloppy drunks. 
A straight word, a full sentence, rarely spoken.

Them, no longer viable members of society, just alcohol sodden potatoes.

Sad, sad, sad.

As a child, I witnessed this up close.
I was the only one that escaped.





[THM]- THRD


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Let me guess - she doesn't have a job and now that her teenagers are old enough to wipe their own noses and don't need her anymore (except to feed them, keep their lives on track, do their laundry and clean up after them) she's feeling kind of lost.

She needs some *purpose* in life. It sounds as though her whole identity was in being a mother. Did she ever think about going back to school or getting a job? Hell, she could have done either of those things years ago once they were both in school full time.

She just sounds kind of lost.


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

Perhaps your brother should stop enabling her behaviour??

Have a word with him.

Should this continue I don't see it ending well.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Yikes picking up a drunk spouse at 4 a.m. would happen only once in my household. Does your SIL work?

Smells like trouble to me. You can be supportive of your brother-he is your bro after all and you love him and want what's best for him (and the kids). But tread carefully bc it's not your marriage.

Hard to say what's going on it could be a myriad of things but she is being incredibly lazy and irresponsible. If I were in your brother's shoes I would be increasingly resentful because I was doing all the work inside and outside the home. He needs to stop enabling her behavior immediately and erect firm boundaries with her. Is he conflict avoidant?


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## -Molly- (Jul 10, 2018)

Thank you everyone for your responses. And yes, I know it's not my marriage, and only they can choose to fix this behaviour. But, it does answer some questions that I had in my mind about this. I really hope it doesn't progress to be a disaster, her behaviour has been getting worse as time goes on...so maybe some sort of "breaking point" will come soon, whether it's good or bad. I guess time will tell....I don't have children, so I really wasn't sure if her behaviour might have anything to do with the kids. But I know my Mother, when me and my brother were 16 & 18, she didn't take up with a group of girls and start going to the bars and drinking. Instead, she still at home with my Dad, and together they worked on their house, did yardwork, whatever...normal things!




turnera said:


> How long has he been working 12 hour shifts? How long ago did she stop being part of the 4-member close-knit group?


He's been working 12hr shifts the whole time, before they were even married. He has stayed in his same industry that he started in, after University. And she stopped being apart of their close knit group after getting really close with the divorced woman. So a few years.



She'sStillGotIt said:


> Let me guess - she doesn't have a job and now that her teenagers are old enough to wipe their own noses and don't need her anymore (except to feed them, keep their lives on track, do their laundry and clean up after them) she's feeling kind of lost.
> 
> She needs some *purpose* in life. It sounds as though her whole identity was in being a mother. Did she ever think about going back to school or getting a job? Hell, she could have done either of those things years ago once they were both in school full time.
> 
> She just sounds kind of lost.


Actually, it's backwards! She only worked the first few years after they were married and only started working again maybe 2 years ago? And the only reason is because she didn't have a choice in the matter, because they couldn't go any longer without a second income.



lucy999 said:


> Yikes picking up a drunk spouse at 4 a.m. would happen only once in my household. Does your SIL work?
> 
> Smells like trouble to me. You can be supportive of your brother-he is your bro after all and you love him and want what's best for him (and the kids). But tread carefully bc it's not your marriage.
> 
> Hard to say what's going on it could be a myriad of things but she is being incredibly lazy and irresponsible. If I were in your brother's shoes I would be increasingly resentful because I was doing all the work inside and outside the home. He needs to stop enabling her behavior immediately and erect firm boundaries with her. Is he conflict avoidant?


I agree with everything you said!


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

The poor guy works twelve hour shifts, BTDT and they still do not have enough money?

Nope, made ends meet.


No wonder the guy works those hours, his household would suffer if he worked less.

This is the trap these companies get you into. You only make good money when working overtime.

If you made decent hourly wages, you would not need to work so many hours. Then the company would have to hire more people to keep up with demand.

More people equals more benefits, higher costs. 

Plus, if things slow down they can cut hours, not people.

Sucks, but beats being unemployed.





[THM]- THRD


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I dont know whats going on with her, but your brother needs to stop enabling it. Going out for drinks with girlfriends in and of itself is fine, but not as a lifestyle, nothing good will come of this. Why is he rolling over like this, is he always so passive? He needs to put his foot down about this, time to put some boundaries in place. If she doesnt like it, she can leave. I would be very surprised if she has not cheated on him at some point through all this crap.


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## Sparta (Sep 4, 2014)

Really I can’t even believe some of the stuff I read here. WTF do you think she’s doing and is going on.! Going to bars and vacations what is three other tramps. You need to ask your brother is he OK with his wife living like a single woman getting drunk and having sex with random men. I hope you are well aware that is what’s going on.! I guess it’s OK for her to go through her midlife crisis while her marriage stays intact, if so she’s got the best of both worlds.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

@Sparta quote:



> Really I can’t even believe some of the stuff I read here. WTF do you think she’s doing and is going on.! Going to bars and vacations what is three other tramps. You need to ask your brother is he OK with his wife living like a single woman getting drunk and having sex with random men. I hope you are well aware that is what’s going on.! I guess it’s OK for her to go through her midlife crisis while her marriage stays intact, if so she’s got the best of both worlds.




I think this behavior is very common in Western countries.

Maybe not in your' or my circles, but in others that are not so 'blessed'.

Most of the bars that I witness seem always to be packed with people after Six PM.

I don't go into any of them very often, but I can see all the cars parked outside many of them.
This is the case in any city in the U.S. 

Most serve bar food and many have more than two flat screen TV's tuned to sports, some to the News.

Pubs in England are more sedate but singles and married folks alone seem commonplace. 

Ireland, also, especially if a band is playing.

Once inside, you see married and single people, with partners or not.





[THM]- THRD


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

3Xnocharm said:


> I dont know whats going on with her, but your brother needs to stop enabling it. Going out for drinks with girlfriends in and of itself is fine, but not as a lifestyle, nothing good will come of this. Why is he rolling over like this, is he always so passive? *He needs to put his foot down about this, time to put some boundaries in place.* If she doesnt like it, she can leave. I would be very surprised if she has not cheated on him at some point through all this crap.


He also needs to be ready for, and not be phased by being called controlling and abusive, which more often than not is the go to attempt to shame someone back into their place when they dare call out bad behaviour and attempt to set boundaries.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Is it possible your brother is OK with her behavior because he is tired of being married to her? Maybe he and the kids have a much better life without her there.


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## MovingForward (Jan 19, 2017)

This was the start of the end for my marriage, my XW started socializing with a group of recently divorced woman, 'deserved time to herself' which was every night, came home when she wanted, always needed 'a break' did not do anything with the kids and eventually hooked up with one of the guys she met at a bar,


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Have your Brother start to spy, so he can blindside her when the time comes rather than reacting to suddenly finding out she is cheating


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

My advice is to give your brother two books to read. First, give him His Needs Her Needs. It is an easy read (we all could benefit from reading it) that discusses what a good marriage looks like. It talks about fairness, equality, equal care for each other, etc. It's common knowledge that you didn't know you didn't know until you read the book. IMO, the Bible on marriages. Basically, it gives you a roadmap for what you should aspire to.

Then, once he has read that, give him the book No More Mr Nice Guy. It helps men understand what a strong, healthy man looks like and how he should - and SHOULDN'T - behave in a marriage, for ultimate satisfaction and best results. Basically, it teaches men to stop being doormats because HE doesn't want to be a doormat and SHE doesn't want him to be a doormat. 

If he reads these and still can't make a move, there are deeper issues at play.


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## -Molly- (Jul 10, 2018)

Thanks again everyone. Some of your suggestions are very helpful to me. I didn't think this situation was good, but part of me thought (was hoping maybe!) many of you would say "this is normal, it happens", "mid life crisis" etc. but everyone agrees this is a dangerous thing that's happening. As to why, I guess only she can answer that. It's certainly not the behaviour of a married woman and mother. And I can certainly see what some of you predicted that it could end in infidelity, resentment etc. 

I will be seeing my brother in about 6 weeks, I think that's the best time to have a heart to heart, and I think the fact that my own marriage has fallen apart recently because of infidelity, will hopefully make him feel more comfortable to open up to me. I remember when I first separated with my X and I told my brother about it, he had made a comment about his marriage...but at the time, I was such an emotional wreck about mine and still in shock, I didn't give his comment any thought. I wish I had. Although I would not have been in any position to give reasonable feedback or advice. I think it's actually better to discuss his circumstances now that I have my head together.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

-Molly- said:


> Thanks again everyone. Some of your suggestions are very helpful to me. I didn't think this situation was good, but part of me thought (was hoping maybe!) many of you would say "this is normal, it happens", "mid life crisis" etc. but everyone agrees this is a dangerous thing that's happening. As to why, I guess only she can answer that. It's certainly not the behaviour of a married woman and mother. And I can certainly see what some of you predicted that it could end in infidelity, resentment etc.
> 
> I will be seeing my brother in about 6 weeks, I think that's the best time to have a heart to heart, and I think the fact that my own marriage has fallen apart recently because of infidelity, will hopefully make him feel more comfortable to open up to me. I remember when I first separated with my X and I told my brother about it, he had made a comment about his marriage...but at the time, I was such an emotional wreck about mine and still in shock, I didn't give his comment any thought. I wish I had. Although I would not have been in any position to give reasonable feedback or advice. I think it's actually better to discuss his circumstances now that I have my head together.


I would think that because you have been through infidelity that you would have already understood what is going on with your SIL. 

While I cannot say for sure that she is cheating, I think she is, why would you think that it was OK for your brother to be a work horse for a woman that does not want to have anything to do with him? 

I guess you are just getting you thoughts together before you talk to him, I HOPE... 

Really, you know what is going on here, Don't you????


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