# Need help back to dating



## JustinK

Was in an emotionally abusive relationship for 6 years. Got out and spent the last 4 years single, working on myself and my hobbies. Regaining financial stability etc.

Back to dating and in my first relationship. But there are issues that I don't understand. Can't ask my guy friends for help as they all think I should just mess around and have fun. I'm looking at making it work with someone.

I either need help with understanding relationships or my new girl is going to turn into a new nightmare. I don't know which.

I'm 42 and she is 32. We both live in a foreign country. She arrived right before the virus hit. She's not working in her field of specialty. She's working part-time jobs for now. However, I seem to be her only friend. There's no way to get her to make new friends as the virus is spreading now.

When I am enjoying my time and she isn't there, she is jealous. When I had a fever and symptoms of the virus, I had to isolate until after the results. This happened around her birthday, which was unfortunate. But she was upset at me. 

I did have a talk with her. I told her that at 42 years old I don't play games. If you're upset for good reason, and I shouldn't give you any reason, then be angry. Otherwise, don't sweat the small stuff. I did send her some cake and other goodies on her birthday and promised a good dinner after all was fine.

Today, she was upset at something that I can't put my finger on. I sent her a message telling her I fell asleep at the computer and that my neck is now sore. That I was on my way to work and that it's going to be a long day. She seemed to think I was making an excuse for not calling her. At least that's what I think. I never said I would call her last night. And this all seems so childish to me. Or am I not considering something? 

Help


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## farsidejunky

She sounds like more trouble than she is worth. 

She also sounds like she could be a repeat of your last relationship. Give an insecure person some modicum of control, and the transition to abuse can be slippery and elusive. 

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## JustinK

farsidejunky said:


> She sounds like more trouble than she is worth.
> 
> She also sounds like she could be a repeat of your last relationship. Give an insecure person some modicum of control, and the transition to abuse can be slippery and elusive.
> 
> Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


I'm still a bit in the dark. Since it's been a while since I've been in a committed relationship, I don't know if I'm doing things right or wrong.

Since she ended the conversation/message with "I don't like your excuses and don't want to talk about it because I have to get ready". I don't know if I should aààwait for her to reach out to me or if it's on me to reach out to her. 

Either way, I'm going to tell her that at 42, these games and complaints stress me out.


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## Luminous

JustinK said:


> I'm still a bit in the dark. Since it's been a while since I've been in a committed relationship, I don't know if I'm doing things right or wrong.
> 
> Since she ended the conversation/message with "I don't like your excuses and don't want to talk about it because I have to get ready". I don't know if I should aààwait for her to reach out to me or if it's on me to reach out to her.
> 
> Either way, I'm going to tell her that at 42, these games and complaints stress me out.


She complains about your 'excuses', then says she doesn't want to talk about it.

Take charge, and (respectfully) put her in her place. Don't wait for her, you said no to games right? That means sometimes putting your foot down when necessary, not when she is OK with it.

It could be that she is projecting her frustrations from being socially isolated, but that is first and foremost her deal to recognise, and strive to fix (with your help if need be). It does not sound like this is the case.

With regards to your 'picker', have you taken time to consider whether this woman is similar to your previous?


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## JustinK

My ex was a cheater and liar. It took me a long time to gather the courage to divorce her. What she did was awful on a level I would never put up with again.

My new girlfriend is acting more childish than anything when it comes to our current situation. She is definitely feeling isolated but we make due with time we have. I think she wants more power over me but can't get it. I think she wants to be the center of my world, but since I have friends, co-workers, neighbors etc that isn't the case. My life doesn't revolve around her and that bugs her... I think.

Notice I say I think but I'm not actually sure. I'm a westerner living in Japan. She is Chinese living in Japan. I have it easier for sure as far as work and being accepted into society. She has less of that unfortunately. 

I do like her and don't want to see her hurt. But don't want to put up with the stress of fighting over high school level nothingness. At least that's what I see it as. I came here to find out if I'm not seeing things for what they are. I've been out of the game for a while.


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## Luminous

Your past experiences have given you a much better idea of what you will put up with or not.

If you don't like these childish games (what sane person would?), make it absolutely clear to her you're not going to put up with it, and if she wishes to leave, she is free to do so.

Just make sure you can back that up if she does go, otherwise if it is a bluff and she calls it, you will have opened up a whole new level of possible issues


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## JustinK

I did tell her if she throws the "We should break up" sentence at me, that I won't say no if that's how she feels. So not to expect a fight because that is just a game. And I would let that happen and move on.

If I call her this evening I don't think I can be calm when talking to her. I had to work all day (Still at work) and started off this long day with her saying what she said and putting me in a bad mood.

So if I don't call her, am I playing games? Should I tell her I'm not in a good mood to be talking? I feel a bit childish now too because I want her to realize what she said was uncalled for and apologize, without me having to tell her. But that would assume she knows what she did and can take responsibility. Or that she can read my mind, which she can't.


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## Luminous

If you're not calm, don't call her, as that will play into her 'game'. I would recommend waiting till you are clear headed.

I would also ask, if she is causing you stress this early in the game...? Is it worth it?


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## JustinK

I don't know if it's worth it. I don't know why she is acting this way. I'd like to figure it out before making any harsh decisions. I certainly don't want to hurt her, I don't think she is bad. She does a lot for me now. She's always coming over and cleaning up, something I've always struggled with. I keep things clean but put off laundry until out of underwear and t-shirts. She looks for things that make life easier for me. She's not all problems. I'm just trying to figure out what it is that is causing her to act this way and if it's because I'm missing something.


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## ccpowerslave

Red flags everywhere.


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## JustinK

How do?


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## ccpowerslave

She is far too needy. Insofar as your interactions as you say you’re a grown man, you don’t need a woman to clean up after you.

If I had a woman getting upset by the things you mention or even unknown things I would ask her to please check that attitude. It’s hard to do that though when she’s cleaning up after you like your mom.


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## Sfort

There's a woman out there who will treat you with respect and dignity...who will interact with you as an adult. Why would you settle for less when you don't have to?


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## hubbyintrubby

The way she is acting reminds me of the way my wife has treated me. My take is that she is trying to control you.

If you're enjoying your time, with or without her, she should be happy for you. Anything else is unacceptable in my eyes.


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## Prodigal

JustinK said:


> She's always coming over and cleaning up, something I've always struggled with. I keep things clean but put off laundry until out of underwear and t-shirts. She looks for things that make life easier for me.


So she picks up the slack by doing chores you don't like to do. This says nothing about her having positive personality attributes. The aspects of her personality you have described thus far make her sound like a rather manipulative, immature person.

If you want someone to help you out with chores, I'd suggest a maid. If you want someone who will be a good partner, I'd suggest you find a different woman. Because from where I'm sitting, the one you have now sure doesn't sound like a keeper to me.


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## Young at Heart

JustinK said:


> *I don't know if it's worth it*. I don't know why she is acting this way. I'd like to figure it out before making any harsh decisions. *I certainly don't want to hurt her, I don't think she is bad. She does a lot for me now.* She's always coming over and cleaning up, something I've always struggled with. I keep things clean but put off laundry until out of underwear and t-shirts. *She looks for things that make life easier for me. She's not all problems.* I'm just trying to figure out what it is that is causing her to act this way and if it's because I'm missing something.


Have you ever heard the phrase damning with faint praise?

The purpose of courting and dating is to find someone compatible in many ways. The purpose of sex (i.e. making love) is to help build on that relationship to create an emotional bond based on intimacy, sex hormones and other chemical/biological factors.

China's one child policy has created an incredible shortage of marriageable women. She is 32 years old. When I visited China, I was told that the one-child generation has created a generation of children constantly spoiled by their parents. This is in contrast to the concept of children taking care of their elderly parents. The one-child children expect that they will be spoiled by their marriage partners. At her age she is not likely to have many children and that would be a problem for most traditional Chinese men. You and she probably have greater cultural expectation problems than each of you realizes.

Now as to acting childish. I have been married for over 49 years and when my wife approached 60 our marriage deteriorated into a sex starved marriage. With help from a marriage counselor who was also a sex therapist, we were able to save our marriage. One of the things that the ST told me about my wife was that my wife reminded her of a rebellious teenager. The ST told me and I found out that in my relationship with my wife, I needed to be the once who remained calm and be the "adult in the room" (without being a father she would rebel against) when my wife started to pick fights with me. I also found out that I wanted a wife and lover and not someone who I had to be a father to. This required setting stronger boundaries. She is now in her 70's and has mostly dropped the rebellious teenager attitude, but is still comes up every now and then.

My suggestion for you is to have some serious discussions with your girlfriend to explain you cultural expectations with dating and relationships to her along with finding out her expectations. If the two of you can't do that then maybe you need to break up or try pre-marriage counseling if you think she is the one for you. Your faint praise doesn't sound like she is your hearts desire. She may be more desperate and afraid than you think.

Good luck.


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## LisaDiane

Young at Heart said:


> Have you ever heard the phrase damning with faint praise?
> 
> The purpose of courting and dating is to find someone compatible in many ways. The purpose of sex (i.e. making love) is to help build on that relationship to create an emotional bond based on intimacy, sex hormones and other chemical/biological factors.
> 
> China's one child policy has created an incredible shortage of marriageable women. She is 32 years old. When I visited China, I was told that the one-child generation has created a generation of children constantly spoiled by their parents. This is in contrast to the concept of children taking care of their elderly parents. The one-child children expect that they will be spoiled by their marriage partners. At her age she is not likely to have many children and that would be a problem for most traditional Chinese men. You and she probably have greater cultural expectation problems than each of you realizes.
> 
> Now as to acting childish. I have been married for over 49 years and when my wife approached 60 our marriage deteriorated into a sex starved marriage. With help from a marriage counselor who was also a sex therapist, we were able to save our marriage. One of the things that the ST told me about my wife was that my wife reminded her of a rebellious teenager. The ST told me and I found out that in my relationship with my wife, I needed to be the once who remained calm and be the "adult in the room" (without being a father she would rebel against) when my wife started to pick fights with me. I also found out that I wanted a wife and lover and not someone who I had to be a father to. This required setting stronger boundaries. She is now in her 70's and has mostly dropped the rebellious teenager attitude, but is still comes up every now and then.
> 
> My suggestion for you is to have some serious discussions with your girlfriend to explain you cultural expectations with dating and relationships to her along with finding out her expectations. If the two of you can't do that then maybe you need to break up or try pre-marriage counseling if you think she is the one for you. Your faint praise doesn't sound like she is your hearts desire. She may be more desperate and afraid than you think.
> 
> Good luck.


YOUR story of your relationship is one of my most favorite success stories!!! I love when you share about it!


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## JustinK

I appreciate all the sound advice.

Last night I was angry and couldn't speak on the phone without being angry so I told her we should speak the next day. She must have realized something was up. 

I will talk with her about my expectations for an adult relationship. 

I thought maybe I wasn't being fair or wasn't understanding of her in some way.

As for the cleaning, I'm not dirty and don't need someone to clean. She just makes it cleaner which is nice and she doesn't have to do it. I think it's just her being nice. She does other nice things as well but these childish moments make it hard to appreciate them.

Let's see how things go today. Again, I appreciate everyone's input.


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## Hopeful Cynic

JustinK said:


> I don't know if it's worth it. I don't know why she is acting this way. I'd like to figure it out before making any harsh decisions. I certainly don't want to hurt her, I don't think she is bad. She does a lot for me now. She's always coming over and cleaning up, something I've always struggled with. I keep things clean but put off laundry until out of underwear and t-shirts. She looks for things that make life easier for me. She's not all problems. I'm just trying to figure out what it is that is causing her to act this way and if it's because I'm missing something.


You don't want to break up with her because she does your laundry?? Do you hear yourself? If you can't find reasons to stay together beyond chores she does for you, you don't have a girlfriend, you have a maid with benefits.

So yeah, find a time to talk when you are both calm, and figure out if you are looking for the same things in a relationship. Sounds like there could also be a lot of cultural things going on that you both need to understand.


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