# I'm the cheater



## SL73 (Jul 3, 2009)

I am a 27 year old male, been married for 2 1/2 years. Over the course of our marriage, our sex life has been minimal (consistently about once a month since our marriage). I often try to initiate with my wife and get turned down. We have talked about it several times over the years, but it is still a problem.

Since our marriage, she has encouraged me to use porn and masturbate as an outlet, which I have.

Unfortunately, this got to the point where I would get excited when she was going out, so I could have time to myself with porn. All this fantasizing about other women led me to a very dark place. A couple of days ago during a lunch break at work, I got a "happy ending" massage. I don't even know why I did it. I knew I would feel horrible after. I have come close to doing it several times, and in these moments of crisis turned away. But this time I did it. I looked away from the woman who was touching me. Towards the end, all I Could think was that I wanted it to be over. I pictured my wife. I ran out after as fast as I could, and cried in my car on the way home. I have taken several breaks at work to go outside and cry in my car, or even in the bathroom. This is the worst moment of my life. Now I Don't know whether to confess and put this burden on her too (I've read in many places most people advocate not telling for this reason). 

Over the past few days, I have thought of losing my wife, and I can't bear it. Even if she were to leave me I would still love her until the day I die. I come home from work and hug her more tightly. I wonder if she notices how much more I cuddle her in bed at night. I know our sex life is bad, but one day when she packed my lunch for me for work I Nearly lost it. I can't be with anyone but her. She is my life. I am a fool and a weak person, and I have risked losing her. I deleted all my porn. I never get aroused at looking at other women anymore (or barely at all). I worry that if I dont tell her, next time we try to be intimate I won't be able to perform, and she will find out that way. Please help me. I love my wife with all my heart, despite my moment of weakness.


----------



## Country Girl (Apr 19, 2009)

Honestly, you are a breath of fresh air! I usually take a very hard line with a cheater. You are one of few who admits it was wrong and is truly remorseful! In your case, I don't think I would tell the wife. You are suffering enough and want things to improve in your marriage. However, you and your wife have some work to do on your marriage. Perhaps a counselor is a good place to start. Your wife clearly needs to change.


----------



## Dark Angel (Jun 17, 2009)

Its unfortunate you had to step outside your marriage for your eyes to be opened. There are lots of us who have been repeatedly rejected by our wives but didnt take this route.

Whats done is done. Now you have to decide your next move.

Tell her or not? Only *you* really know whats right. No one can tell you whats best.

Either way you seriously need to talk to your wife about whats wrong in your relationship, or you will do it again one day. Work with her through your problems.

My wife wouldnt have sex with me because she would use it as a weapon. To pay me back for the ways that I failed her.

I think if you talk to her, you will find more underlying issues.

Good Luck.


----------



## cao428 (Jun 26, 2008)

My heart goes out to you...you are a young man with normal desire and your wife should be there for you, and has issues with sex.

My opinion is to wait and decide whether the best course is to tell her or not...she may or may not be able to handle it and focus on working on the marriage, but get to a counselor asap. You cannot let this go on but don't be so hard on yourself for the past, and just get help to change your marriage. You have taken the right steps to stop your behavior and that says a lot about you.

Try to get a reference or speak to a few counselors before choosing one you feel comfortable with..maybe one whom specializes in sex therapy. 

Good luck!


----------



## SL73 (Jul 3, 2009)

Thank you all so much for your input. I am still deciding on whether or not to tell her. I truly have no idea what her reaction would be. On one hand, we've watched TV shows where a guy cheated (usually full on sex), and she'll say to me "I'll kill you". On the other hand, she didn't think Bill Clinton's dalliance was that big a deal (though mostly due to the stressful nature of his job).

Suffice it to say, I'm truly scared of the implications of reaction #1. On one hand, she might blow up and storm out to her parents' house (she hates it there) and then divorce me, and on the other hand she might take pity on the sobbing broken man in front of her who is confessing and professing his undying love for her. And I would hope she would believe me when I say those things because every word is true. Other than my shameful lapse in judgment, I've been honest and sincere.

I jsut know I can't lose her. We've been through so much together, even losing our virginity to each other. I don't know how I would go on, or how she would either.


----------



## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

It is going to cause much pain and suffering for your wife if you tell her. Also, trust will be a big issue then. Go to marriage counseling and get the problems in your relationship (that she knows about) fixed.


----------



## 1nurse (Jan 21, 2009)

I don't condone what you did but really your wife's ideas about a healthy sexlife for a married couple are dismissive and insulting to you. Not only does sex feel good for both sexes but it's pertinent for bonding and intimacy in a marriage. Why does she have this attitude of take care of yourself. Is she having an affair?? You guys keep going like this and you'll be divorced. Talk to her frankly and tell her we need to see a professional or I'm outta here. I wouldn't blame you one bit.


----------



## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

You have crossed a line and are now accepting the responsibility that goes with it. That's the bad news; you have to suffer because you did what you know was wrong. You cannot blame your wife for your decision, however; the responsible thing would have been to lay it on the line for her, tell her this is a marital crisis and an issue you cannot solve alone, and moved on one way (working together to resolve the problem) or another (separating before you cheat, or, in your case, cheat again). 

Cheating appears to be an easy way out--it's just sex, and if it lets me maintain my marriage, how can it be so awful? But the reality is, the deception removes the single underpinning of marriage: trust. Trust is first and foremost. Love is built on trust; any other feeling without trust is not really love. Take away the trust and you have lust, affection, a crush--something other than real love. Do the honorable thing--tell her you must seek joint counseling, that it is at the point where it is non-negotiable for you. Her reaction will tell you a lot. Separate from her if she cannot commit or refuses at first, and see if that helps her wake up to the seriousness of the issue. But please, don't go this alone--if she has sex just to please you, it will come back to haunt you down the road when you probably least expect it. Better to get things right now (esp before kids) or end it now. 

If, at this point, you tell her, you are in a sense shifting blame--look what your refusals led me to do. Not that you INTEND that, but that is part of the message. She does not deserve the blame--you made the decision. One of her responsibilities is to be your, and only your, sexual partner; yours is to be hers only while you are married to her. You've both failed, but neither of you is to blame for the other's failure. Even if she is angry at you and witholding sex, that doesn't make it your fault--in such a case, a spouse has the responsibility of dealing with the anger and causes of it, not witholding sex as punishment (i'm not saying that is what she is doing, just trying to illustrate that you aren't to blame for her behavior, either).


----------



## XiaSulin (Jul 5, 2009)

Maybe she has an issue with sex. I certainly don't think it's her obligation to have sex with you just because you're married. If she doesn't like it and you want it, you should look into why for her. And if you want sex and can't live with porn/masturbation, discuss with her your feelings, maybe you two come up with a compromise (that's what marriage is about right? Compromises that work for both of you). Maybe you both should see someone together, maybe you both really need to have a sit down. I always suggest writing a letter to get the first feelings out because that's the way I used to communicate to people about what I was feeling, or something I had done. And then ask if you can have a sit down and talk in the letter (the letter being away to iniate conversations).


----------



## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

XS, yeah a letter is a good way to "get things out" of your system, preparatory to actually talking. It gives you a way to organize your thoughts. 

This forum is also a good place to vent!  

My xgf hated it when I left her a letter because she knew something was serious enough that it needed discussing (but we were unable to start the conversation). 

Even as we broke up (and obviously weren't talking about us any more) I wrote her a letter. She said I had every right to feel as I did and she understood my feelings. 

I don't exactly keep a journal...but when I have something on my mind, I write a letter. Over time (hours, days, weeks...whatever) I edit it, modify it, add to it. When it gets to a point that I feel it's complete...I print it to mail, copy it to email, post it online, or just save it on my hard drive.

But it's a start, a way to break the ice, to begin a discussion.


----------



## NothingMan (Jul 16, 2009)

In my opinion, dont tell her. The only reason you would tell her about some random happy ending massage is because you feel guilty. If you tell her about it, it's a selfish move because you want to just get rid of your guilt. I say, live with your guilt as a reminder that you did something wrong.

That being said, you need to find out why she wont have sex with you. It's not fair of her to point you to porn/masturbation when she should be having sex with you as your wife. 

I'd say open up some lines of communication on the issue, but dont tell her about what ya did. Live with it yourself and find a way to have more sex with your wife.



John


----------



## SL73 (Jul 3, 2009)

Thank you all for your advice. I didn't tell her and for the past few months I have managed to return to normal. However, starting yesterday I have resumed having extremely intense "guilt attacks" (which I deserve) while at work, and I can barely concentrate and nearly cry at my desk. It becomes very tempting to tell her, but I understand it would be a selfish move to get rid of my guilt. Thanks again for all your input and listening to me vent.


----------



## letitgo (Nov 3, 2009)

I think not telling her is a good idea... Take this as a lesson, whats done is done and you need to learn something from this, and it seems like you already have. Sometimes these things happen for a reason, now you realize how much you love your wife and done want other women any more! You dont want to lose her and you need to do what ever it takes to keep her. 

Id recomend seeing a therapist, or even couples therapy to figure out why theres so little sex between you two. But if you did a couples thing your little happy ending might not be kept secret. Has your sex life gotten any better? how did it slow down so much? could your wife be having some medical issues? I know Ive been dealing with depression and my libido has died ever since. well hope things get better!


----------



## SL73 (Jul 3, 2009)

Not much has really gotten better in that area, but she blames birth control, which I suppose could be the problem. 

Right now all I can think about is how much I love her and what a terrible person I am, because she didn't deserve that. The only thing I want is to be with her forever, and to be a fully loving and committed husband.


----------



## letitgo (Nov 3, 2009)

Medication could be the problem..maybe a different kind would help better. I hate going to doctors and telling them 'hey i have no sex drive any more' but they do take that very seriously (i was kinda suprised) and they will work to find something that works. maybe she needs a good romantic night to reconnect with you.

You do need to think about you will be living with this guilt for the rest of your life... You'll have to find a way to cope with that, make peace with what you have done. Maybe tell a friend who you can trust cause talking really helps, or if your having a bad day just post a new thread on here! Dont let the guilt eat you alive, its happens very easy and then you might have to tell your wife what happend. 

Whats done is done,

the past is the past, so leave it in the past and stop thinking about it!

When you start to think about it-stop- and think about something else, do something else to break that thought.


----------



## cowboyfan (Nov 15, 2009)

Whether you tell her or not is a tough decision that only you can make, I'd suggest maybe seeing a counselor for yourself only first to work through your guilt issues, and with a clearer head make that decision - I'm usually all for getting this type of stuff out in the open, but you seem to have enough remorse to avoid these bad decisions in the future and telling her could do more harm than good.

Once you've worked through your own issues, I'd suggest you seek counseling with her. There are obviously some deeper issues here, and she may be uncomfortable in opening up to you for any reason. Counseling may help unlock some of those and improve your sexlife with her, as well as your whole relationship.

Whatever you do, don't bury this and put it behind you without action. I had similar issues throughout my 20's with my wife (sex monthly if I was lucky), and she recently just had a brief affair! It turns out I wasn't giving her what she needed emotionally, and she turned elsewhere for that and got more than she bargained for. Anyway, not dealing with this will all but guarantee future heartache, so best of luck to you and your family.


----------



## mommy2 (Oct 27, 2009)

I was in LuvmyH shoes as well and can agree to everything she said. Due to fertility issues and treatments sex became more of a chore AND the hormones screwed me up completely! I was like Jekyll and Hyde! After the birth of our first child things never really got 100% better with our sex life, and add to it a newborn that was born with a health condition.....it just snowballs. SO, as with LuvMyH my attitude about sex was not good. To me it was a chore, an annoyance, him being unsympathetic to my needs, etc. It would improve for a little bit but like you my H learned to live with it once a month if he was lucky. And as in her situation, he confided in a friend about other issues and well she began to not only listen and be there for him emotionally but met his sexually needs as well. I, too, am so angry at myself for letting it get to that point. We, too, are doing really well and when you are having a satifying and fulfilling sex life - it's amazing the other parts of our marriage and life that fall into place or improve as well. Things that used to send me over the edge or p*ss me off, now don't because I am in love with him again and are being intimate. 

I agree that you should let your wife know how important your sex life is to your relationship and your marriage and work on that. I used to make light of the sex part thinking it wasn't that important. I have found out the hard way, it is VERY important to a successful marriage.


----------

