# Am I overthinking



## Ethel (Sep 30, 2016)

Long post, sorry

My husband and I have been married for 4 years; together for 9. We have two young children. 

Lately, I’ve been realizing that I’m not happy. At first, I thought it was just the stress of taking care of two kids, and working full time. My husband works late many nights, so it is very stressful to pick them up, make supper, clean up, and put them to bed on my own. Other days, he does this.

But I’ve realized that I am unhappy about our relationship. He is a good man who is hard-working and does a lot around the house. This is what makes it more difficult. 

We don’t fight as much as disagree. I see that I personally have developed much resentment towards him, because of the following:

He seems to have little interest in learning about my past (childhood, etc) or about my hopes and dreams. This doesn’t make him a bad person, just not what I want. I like to know as much as possible about the people I love. 

Related: I love having deep conversations. He will talk with me sometimes, but other times, he’s just nodded and ignored what I’ve said. When I call him out on it, he doesn’t even remember me saying anything. He doesn’t seem to have deep thoughts. He just thinks about what he has to do that day, or his plans. As a result, he is frequently stressed out. That itself is not the way my mind works. 

When I bring up any relationship issues, he doesn’t seem to see a problem. He doesn’t really want to talk about it. He seems content with our relationship and sees the kids and work as reasons he is unhappy. 

He is a pessimist, I am an optimist. Early I our relationship, I would try to cheer him up with backrubs, etc. but it never seemed to help, so I just stopped trying I guess.

We disagree about parenting. I fantasize about a life without kids as much as the any parent, but he takes it to a whole other level. He loves them, I can tell, but makes no effort to do fun things with them or play games. He would like it if they were just sitting I front of a TV. As a result, they both prefer being around me. When I tell him I need a break, he says “they want you” but my thing is, if you would make an effort to play with them, they would want you! You’re just taking advantage of the situation. I like playing with them, but am tired from work too. If I work a Saturday, he complains that he doesn’t know what to do with them for those 9 hours. 

He can be selfish. Small things, like if there are 2 pieces of pizza, ad one is “better” I will ask him which one he wants ad he will always choose the better one for himself. 

Finally, I tend to e a flexible person. There is not much that I don’t like doing, so I tend to mold myself to what my partner wants, as far as how we spend our time together. This wasn’t a problem at the start of our relationship. He likes going to the movies, eating out, occasionally going to museums, and watching TV at home. I like those things, but I also like outdoorsy activities, and more cultural activities. He will occasionally do one of those things with me, but I don’t enjoy it because I can tell he is just counting down to when we can leave. Overall, I feel like I’ve changed a lot as a result of our relationship, but he hasn’t (not that he should have).

So, I recognize that I have those resentments, but I don’t know whether I can ever get over them or not. I feel like it’s resulted in me not being a good wife as well. Like we both deserve better.

The things that have been scaring me lately are:

I fantasize about being alone. Not necessarily with another man, just big alone with the kids so I can give them full attention. I went to the park with them last week (with my mom, who normally drives me nuts), but I remember thinking I was glad he wasn’t there. Like I was more relaxed. That scared me.

Our family dynamic is I trouble. Our son has special needs, and acts out at school. It seems like the 4 of us are dysfunctional. Usually, I will get annoyed with my husband. My husband will get annoyed at the kids. The kids will fight with each other (normal, I guess). But it feels tense. I hate it. Although my parents got divorced when I was a teen, my childhood was very peaceful and happy. I want us to get family counseling if we are to stay together. 

When I think about him having an affair (I know this won’t happen, but I still think about it for some reason), I feel indifferent. Normally, I would feel jealous. I would almost feel happy if he were to find someone who would make him happier. 

The last problem is sex. I like to have sex when the mood strikes, which might happen to be two days in a row. He seems to be satisfied with once every 2 weeks- once a week. If I try to initiate and we just did it the day before, he won’t even try. 

It may seem like I’m trying to dump on him, or blame him for all of our problems. But I think it just comes down to differences in what we want and need from life. I don’t like the fact that I get annoyed at him and turn into a “*****” a lot. I know the kids can sense our tension, so I don’t see how he doesn’t see a problem. Marriage isn't all fun, but you have to respect each other. I feel like I don’t respect him. 

When you have kids together, you must be careful. I don’t know if staying together is better, or separating. 

I also feel like talking to him about this will add to his stress.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

No you are not over thinking this. Your marriage is in trouble. 

Here is an article that might help you see some of what is going on.

Get Relationship Advice and Solve Marriage Problems with Michele Weiner-Davis - Divorce Busting®

Keep in mind that while your husband does seem to be a hard guy to have a relationship with, you are responsible for your own happiness. There are things that you can do that could dramatically improve your marriage and the way you feel. You can only change yourself, so that's where you need to focus.. on yourself. But, when you change yourself, your relationship will change and that will force your husband to change. 

There is a good book that talks about how to use unilateral changes in one's self to change the marriage.

"Divorce Busting" When you read it, pay special attention to the chapter on changing the environment and doing the "180". (It's not the 180 linked to in my signature block below.)

After reading the "Divorce Busting" book, there are two more books that I high recommend as they will help you restructure your marriage for the better. And hopefully after you do what the "Divorce Busting" book says to do, you will have your husband's attention and he will join you in doing what the next two books suggest.

"Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs"

Read these two books in the order shown. The idea is for both of you to stop the lover busters and then to start identifying and meeting each other's needs. Once you do that, you both will feel the love and passion return to your relationship.


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## GreyEcho (Sep 28, 2016)

You not overthinking it and yes the "kids do pick it up" every marriage goes through a period of change.. everything you listed are all indicators that something is not right between you and your husband.. Is it minor or major? that's is what you guys need to determine.. From my experience the longer you let it fester the harder it will be to resolve.. Talk to him and see if you can figure it all out.. Hope the best you both and the kids


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## caruso (Sep 23, 2016)

Ethel said:


> He can be selfish. Small things, like if there are 2 pieces of pizza, ad one is “better” I will ask him which one he wants ad he will always choose the better one for himself.


Well I don't have any good advice for everything else you wrote about but this part here is easy. Just grab the slice you want because if you leave it up to him you're going to be hungry.


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## Thinkitthrough01 (Sep 30, 2016)

I think you are far from thinking about separating at this point. Try taking the initiative first and inspire him to be a better man for you. Inspire him to love you the way you need him to love you. Think about YOU and yourself. What can YOU do for him. For example, with the pizza, you sit there and ask him which slice he wants and he takes the "better" slice. You get upset? Why? Because YOU want HIM to give YOU the better piece. You're asking him to prioritize YOU while YOU also prioritize yourself. If my significant other took the better slice, it wouldn't bother me at all because I WANT them to have the better slice. Would it be amazing to have them give it to me? Of course! However, I would only take a small bite and say "now you eat it all" or give the food a small kiss and say "now you can't refuse because I kissed it and you can't turn down my kiss." Give without expecting to receive. You say he's a good man so see how much of a good man he can be by showing him how good you are. You made a promise to put the both of you first over yourself. Show that you are a person of your word. That's my advice. Hope it helps and hope it all works out.


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## caruso (Sep 23, 2016)

Thinkitthrough01 said:


> I think you are far from thinking about separating at this point. Try taking the initiative first and inspire him to be a better man for you. Inspire him to love you the way you need him to love you. Think about YOU and yourself. What can YOU do for him. For example, with the pizza, you sit there and ask him which slice he wants and he takes the "better" slice. You get upset? Why? Because YOU want HIM to give YOU the better piece. You're asking him to prioritize YOU while YOU also prioritize yourself. If my significant other took the better slice, it wouldn't bother me at all because I WANT them to have the better slice. Would it be amazing to have them give it to me? Of course! However, I would only take a small bite and say "now you eat it all" or give the food a small kiss and say "now you can't refuse because I kissed it and you can't turn down my kiss." Give without expecting to receive. You say he's a good man so see how much of a good man he can be by showing him how good you are. You made a promise to put the both of you first over yourself. Show that you are a person of your word. That's my advice. Hope it helps and hope it all works out.


I'm starving.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

I know from experience when you are unhappy you tend to be negative and see all the bad things your H is doing. Now if you can just get out of that mind set and see how you are pin pointing all the wrongs because of your mindset, you will realize that half of the stuff is not so bad.

In a marriage, you can expect your H to meet 100% of your needs. Some people are deep thinkers and need to explore their thoughts and disect them. Others are just fine with suface level thinking. If you are the deep thinker get your fix somewhere else, join groups that have things in common with you. My H is like that, he does not need to figure out the meaning of truth or fix world hunger. He know what he knows and thats good for him. He does not need TAM to give him advice on how to improve his marriage and make it better. But here I am, and I try to impart what I learn to him. IF he gets it fine if not so be it.

You have to do things for yourself that brings you happiness. 

Listen to what the other posters are saying and try to see if any of this works for you or make sense in your situation.

Good luck.


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## NothingsOriginal (Sep 23, 2016)

I am no expert on any of the many issues going on here, but I do know that having a special needs child can put many stresses on a parent (both of them) which in turn stresses the relationship between parents. My Brother has a (adult) child with CP. Now fully functioning, college graduate, teaching 7th graders how to dissect frogs. But when she was an infant through school age it was very rough for them until they got some counseling pertaining to the special needs child.

Husband had guilt that the special need was genetically his fault, causing some depression, leading to disconnection from the family. Counseling helped him through that and he became #1 dad. He still was having some issues so instead of having an affair he got a dog.

Again I am no expert but this could be a direction to look.


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## 0cat0 (Sep 30, 2016)

Wow. Today I desperately joined this site to get insight for my situation, and I feel as if I could have written this!! I completely understand your feelings. If you are overthinking than I am too. I understand that husbands' can not meet 100% of their wives' expectations but if he isn't (and consistently hasn't been) the person you happily see yourself with in the future, then its safe to say the issues won't change.  I feel as though my husband doesn't intellectually challenge me like the way I imagined (maybe even craved?) my partner being. I don't feel that I should look for someone or something else to fulfill that need that my husband should fill. I also dream of being alone. I think that both of our feelings are justified and are not just something that will go away with time. Yes, talking to your husband would be the place to start. But even that is easier said than done. I told my husband of how i felt. He was upset and said that it sounded like I was "falling out of love" with him. I really thought it was a turning point, but now -a week later- somehow things have gone back to the way things were. I really don't know what else to do to tell him how deeply I feel disconnected. It is really hard since I do love my husband. He is a great father and does a lot for our family. I just hate the feeling that we are both settling. 

I'm not saying that your situation will be like or turn out like mine- but I think if your feeling like this you should not ignore it. I think marriage counseling may help. I hope my response helps a little bit. I know that its a little scatter-brained but I hope you know that you aren't alone. Good luck! Any advice you could give me may help as well. lol


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

Here the thing about this. Most of the time, as people advance into their marriages, this stuff only gets worse. Not easier. More things pile up and more resentment builds and it just fosters unhappiness. I don't know what the answer is, I am working on my second divorce. Maybe that is the answer...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blue777 (Sep 26, 2016)

I wish I had something to offer, but I am in the same boat. 

I think about being alone often.

I am anxious to see if you find something that changes things.


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## phitigirl (Aug 11, 2016)

I think that you might get a lot of the same feelings from a lot of people on this site. I also feel like I could have written this. Resentment is a tough one to deal with and shortly behind it comes loss of respect for your spouse. I would love to be able to help you with the answer, but I am struggling to find it myself.


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