# dealing with in-laws



## fire_vogel

is there anyone on the forum who has to deal with a situation of conflict with the in-laws? my in-laws and my own family aren't on good terms and it's absolute hell. while i never try to take sides, my husband is always siding with his family, even when they are obviously wrong. we tend to argue about this a lot, it's so frustrating because he never budges from his stand and i always end up feeling misunderstood and alienated. plus i have gone through some emotionally traumatising phases lately... and have become very vulnerable emotionally. so my reactions are no more what they used to be... these days, i tend to react with tears and helplessness.

sometimes when we talk about our family issues, or rather the issues i have with his family (coz he doesn't interact with my family, so there are no possible issues), i feel he says he understands and sympathises only to get me to get over it and move on to another subject as quickly as possible. and that hurts even more.

but then i just bottle everything up inside, but i know that isn't good either.


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## draconis

My parents and my siblings spouse's parents hate each other.

For the most part holiday with them are split because it is the only way to keep the peace for everyone.

I think you need to tell your husband that his first family is in his house and that you need to be united in all decissions. He has to help and back you at standing up to his parents.

draconis


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## fire_vogel

draconis said:


> My parents and my siblings spouse's parents hate each other.
> 
> For the most part holiday with them are split because it is the only way to keep the peace for everyone.
> 
> I think you need to tell your husband that his first family is in his house and that you need to be united in all decissions. He has to help and back you at standing up to his parents.
> 
> draconis


hmm, well the hate issue is much present between my parents and his parents. or specially, between my parents and his mother.

my husband is pretty much told me that he does not want to stand up to his parents, he loves them way too much and that is the reason why he even overlooks all that they do wrong. but then i kindly pointed out that the wrong they are doing is not to just anybody, but to ME, his WIFE. he sorts of places his family on this pedestal and despite all the crap they do to me, he just overlooks it all. it's very frustrating and tiring. he doesn't interact with my family at all, but since i married him, i compromised for the sake of our happiness, specially HIS happiness and made lots of effort to interact with his family. but his kind are very manipulative and his mother is a control freak. but like i said, he just overlooks all that and has a justification for EVERY SINGLE WRONG they do to me.


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## draconis

When me and my wife were first together she stood up to my father for something he did that she thought was wrong. When it came down to it my dad came to me as if I would soften the blow for him and "make her see".

Instead I told him he was wrong, She is my wife and I stand by her, Any decision she makes is as if I make.

Although family (parents and siblings) will always be there and a spouse can come and go. There is never going to be anyone that understands or that you are closer to then a husband wife. This is not just a general thing or a social one. There is a science behind it too (chemical).

I think your husband is being selfish because he is letting you take all the crap. I think the first thing you need to do is take a stand vs your husband. You deserve to have a man that puts his wife and kids first, period.

draconis


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## Andrea

With my first marriage, i HATED my mother in law. She drove me nuts! She was always butting in our lives and such and would cause nonsense fights over nothing. And my ex would ALWAYS side with his family. It would cause such fights between the ex and I. My ex and I had alot of problems and the MIL was one of them. The MIL and i would scream mean stuff to each other all the time. She and I would also get into horrible fights too. Funny thing is now we are good friends. I went to a therapist/counceling to deal with my issues with her.

Luckily the in laws i have now are wonderful. i love them to death!


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## fire_vogel

when i take a stand vs my husband and try to make him see things from where i stand - instead of me constantly having to see things from where he stands - it completely backfires on me in the sense that he stops giving emotionally, becomes distant and sometimes, even mean.
like i said somewhere before, i've endured quite a lot emotionally lately, but specially two situations, one of which i am not ready to talk about just yet and the other being the loss of my Uncle about 3 weeks back, a man who was like a father to me. and given that there's this feud between my family and my husband's family, i also feel that he isn't being able to sympathise with me (in relation to my Uncle's passing away) the way i would like him to.

when my family would make attacks on my husband's character and stuff, i would stop them right there and tell them not to say a single word against my husband. and they would stop. they realised that i wasn't going to allow them to sling any mud at him. and now, i compromise and would rather that my husband have nothing to do with my family than have them curse or insult him or things like that and treat him in a way he simply doesn't deserve.
but on the other hand, my husband expects me to interact with his side of the family and deal with all the crap they throw at me (coz anyway, he doesn't see it for what it really is...). sometimes it's like he's telling me that it's all just in my head. it drives me nuts when he reacts like that. like i'm crazy and am just making up stories to drive rifts between himself and his family.

somewhere down the line, i feel like my emotional health is really going way downhill and i'm tired of compromising, understanding, giving and trying.
sometimes i wish that of all the things he does for me materially speaking, if he could just shift from that a bit and invest into the emotional side of things too and balance it all out, i'd finally feel at peace.


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## draconis

From my side I can tell you at one time I made good money, my family never went without the things they wanted. A few years back for reasons beyond my control we lost all that. The fact of the matter is the love and support we had for one another kept us going reguardless of the situation. So you are not crazy to think that emotional support is important.

Maybe, withdrawl from his sides family function. He will ask you to go and question it. Tell him that you will not UNLESS he provides the protection to you you deserve. Point out to him YOU have done it with your famly, and you expect the same in return. The fact is he has made it so he doesn't have to deal with your family and you provided support for him.

It is hard to want the relationship to work well and I am against the general idea of doing something out of revenge but he needs a wake up call because he is delusional on what is really happening.

It is horrid that in todays age we expect more from women and keep cuddling men.

draconis


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## fire_vogel

draconis said:


> From my side I can tell you at one time I made good money, my family never went without the things they wanted. A few years back for reasons beyond my control we lost all that. The fact of the matter is the love and support we had for one another kept us going reguardless of the situation. So you are not crazy to think that emotional support is important.
> 
> Maybe, withdrawl from his sides family function. He will ask you to go and question it. Tell him that you will not UNLESS he provides the protection to you you deserve. Point out to him YOU have done it with your famly, and you expect the same in return. The fact is he has made it so he doesn't have to deal with your family and you provided support for him.
> 
> It is hard to want the relationship to work well and I am against the general idea of doing something out of revenge but he needs a wake up call because he is delusional on what is really happening.
> 
> It is horrid that in todays age we expect more from women and keep cuddling men.
> 
> draconis


i see what you mean and would very much like to put these guidelines into practice, but his reactions are too much for me to handle right now, i am emotionally too weak to handle them and will have to work on this first. i need to regain my emotional strength and consequently, my mental strength as well.
i actually suffered a miscarriage in the time that we were separated, he offered whatever support he could over the distance, but now that i'm physically present, we hardly talk about it. i've lost a lot, and so has he, but i dealt with all of it alone, and now that he has the chance to give me a little bit of support, he's not doing it.
but i guess it's my fault too, for i'm not communicating my needs. but fear of not being listened to or heard stops me from communicating. and that, again, is my mistake.


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## kajira

I'm not sure if this can help your situtation, however, I do have this to say. My mother-in-law has lived with me since I was first married (18 years). This has been a huge factor in the downfall of my marriage. I do love the woman dearly, however, I do not feel my husband has ever placed me before her. I know that may sound harsh, but it is honest. There needs to be boundries, ground rules. I let her set them and I was wrong. Therefore, my relationship lost out. I do'nt feel we were ever allowed the opprotunity to set the foundation for a postive relationship. I never have felt like the woman of the house. If I want something done one way, she does it her way, etc. I don't want the dogs in the house (that lasted three hours). In my case it became clear what I said didn't matter, or I was made to feel it didn't matter enough. The spouse needs to stand up for the other spouse..........


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## fire_vogel

kajira said:


> I'm not sure if this can help your situtation, however, I do have this to say. My mother-in-law has lived with me since I was first married (18 years). This has been a huge factor in the downfall of my marriage. I do love the woman dearly, however, I do not feel my husband has ever placed me before her. I know that may sound harsh, but it is honest. There needs to be boundries, ground rules. I let her set them and I was wrong. Therefore, my relationship lost out. I do'nt feel we were ever allowed the opprotunity to set the foundation for a postive relationship. I never have felt like the woman of the house. If I want something done one way, she does it her way, etc. I don't want the dogs in the house (that lasted three hours). In my case it became clear what I said didn't matter, or I was made to feel it didn't matter enough. The spouse needs to stand up for the other spouse..........


i see exactly what you mean. we lived with my mother in law for the first 5 months of our marriage, and it was utter hell. well of course, there were the nice moments. but day to day life was complete hell, i couldn't do anything the way i wanted to, she wanted to have control over everything and he would let her, i would have no say in the matter and he would support her in everything she would do. she would criticise pretty much everything that i would do, the cooking, cleaning, etc. instead of having a nice beginning to my marriage, i had to deal with the antics of his mother. i have compromised so much since the beginning of my relationship, i am still compromising a lot and giving so much, i can't figure out from where i'm getting the strength to react the way i am reacting. i guess i must have some hidden reserves somewhere inside of me, but i do think the reserves won't be eternal.
the mother in law is returning in a month or so and intends very much to live with us again, so i have a month or so to find a solution to that or a month or so before i completely lose it.
the way things are going, i think i'm more prone to losing it than anything else. despite telling me that he understands that living with us is not an option we should consider for his mother, he still asked me a couple of nights ago if we should consider it anyway. i swear, i love this man. but sometimes, he just does my head in.


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## kajira

If the mother in law is going to stay with you, set the ground rules. Talk with your husband before she moves in so he understands that you want to be able to compromise, however, you don't want to loose yourself in the process and you need his support, love and understanding. I think if you go into this with things out in the open, you just might have a chance.


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## evenow

> the mother in law is returning in a month or so and intends very much to live with us again, so i have a month or so to find a solution to that or a month or so before i completely lose it.


If I remember correctly, aren't you already in a shared house and thinking about moving? Way too many things on your plate to consider having someone else move in. 

This may sound a little radical, but why on earth do YOU have to find a solution? She's a grown woman! She wants to live with you, tough. She needs to find other arrangements. Your husband doesn't like it? Who exactly is he married to? Who does he want to spend the rest of his life with? If that answer is his mother, then by all means let her move in and you can move on to someone else who has cut their apron strings.

You may look like a terrible meanie, but you'll be a sane one. Besides, you and your husband need space to work on your relationship. That would be impossible with his MOM in the house. If he's unable to side with you and stand up for you while they live elsewhere, your life will be hell if you allow his family to move in. If he develops the ability to create boundaries and stand up to his family, treat the two of you as a unit, listen to your concerns and act on them in a manner that makes YOU, yes YOU comfortable--then and only then should you even consider allowing his mother to move in.


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## fire_vogel

evenow said:


> If I remember correctly, aren't you already in a shared house and thinking about moving? Way too many things on your plate to consider having someone else move in.
> 
> This may sound a little radical, but why on earth do YOU have to find a solution? She's a grown woman! She wants to live with you, tough. She needs to find other arrangements. Your husband doesn't like it? Who exactly is he married to? Who does he want to spend the rest of his life with? If that answer is his mother, then by all means let her move in and you can move on to someone else who has cut their apron strings.
> 
> You may look like a terrible meanie, but you'll be a sane one. Besides, you and your husband need space to work on your relationship. That would be impossible with his MOM in the house. If he's unable to side with you and stand up for you while they live elsewhere, your life will be hell if you allow his family to move in. If he develops the ability to create boundaries and stand up to his family, treat the two of you as a unit, listen to your concerns and act on them in a manner that makes YOU, yes YOU comfortable--then and only then should you even consider allowing his mother to move in.


i feel like printing your post and kindly offering my husband a read... or simpler, pasting this in an email and forwarding it to him. like some kind of wake up call you know.

his mother has a friend with whom she can live here in the uk, but seemingly doesn't want to. she'd rather live with us. and yes you are right, my husband and i are currently living in a shared house, but in the event that the mother lives with us, we will be moving to a flat, so it'll be just the three of us (that's how it used to be before i returned to homeland for visa renewal purposes... and it was hell).

taking your advice as well as Kajira's into consideration, there is some groundwork to do before i can even think of her coming to live with us. but to be completely honest, his mother simply makes me unhappy, and even if my husband manages to work on standing up for me and supporting me when it comes to his parents, i still don't want to compromise and live with her. i'm tired of making certain compromises, and this is one i am absolutely not ready to make anymore. it's just too tiring and makes me miserable.

in my times of darkest despair (or maybe calm lucidity... it's hard to say) i've told myself that if things don't work out and my husband refuses to compromise for the sake of my and our happiness, i can always move to a place of MY OWN and live alone and try to work things out for myself. i apprehend the pain that will cause to me... but deep down inside, i know that it is an option i have in the event that things don't work out.


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## draconis

fire_vogel said:


> i feel like printing your post and kindly offering my husband a read... or simpler, pasting this in an email and forwarding it to him. like some kind of wake up call you know.
> 
> his mother has a friend with whom she can live here in the uk, but seemingly doesn't want to. she'd rather live with us. and yes you are right, my husband and i are currently living in a shared house, but in the event that the mother lives with us, we will be moving to a flat, so it'll be just the three of us (that's how it used to be before i returned to homeland for visa renewal purposes... and it was hell).
> 
> taking your advice as well as Kajira's into consideration, there is some groundwork to do before i can even think of her coming to live with us. but to be completely honest, his mother simply makes me unhappy, and even if my husband manages to work on standing up for me and supporting me when it comes to his parents, i still don't want to compromise and live with her. i'm tired of making certain compromises, and this is one i am absolutely not ready to make anymore. it's just too tiring and makes me miserable.
> 
> in my times of darkest despair (or maybe calm lucidity... it's hard to say) i've told myself that if things don't work out and my husband refuses to compromise for the sake of my and our happiness, i can always move to a place of MY OWN and live alone and try to work things out for myself. i apprehend the pain that will cause to me... but deep down inside, i know that it is an option i have in the event that things don't work out.


By all means you need to tell your husband how you feel. You are family first and he needs to understand that. If it is a money issue look at other options because it seems like your choices are bad and worse.

draconis


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## fire_vogel

draconis said:


> By all means you need to tell your husband how you feel. You are family first and he needs to understand that. If it is a money issue look at other options because it seems like your choices are bad and worse.
> 
> draconis


like i wrote in a previous post to Vonster... my husband is basically the first in our relationship to lay down the weapons and give up on us. he can easily kill 'hope' with just his pessimistic words and approach to 'us'.
he actually told me the other day that if i'm so unhappy with it all, then i can move to a place of my own if i really can't deal with it. he did have a smile on his face while saying it, so maybe he was just joking, or pulling my legs (thinking that i wouldn't have the heart to do something like that)... but still, it was pretty hurtful. though on the spot i didn't say anything about it.

right now, things are pretty OK. our relationship is getting along pretty quietly, and it's nice. but i know the big stuff is coming up ahead (like the move we're considering, and his mother coming over to the UK...). so am kind of bracing myself for all that...


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## draconis

Well I wish you the best of luck, with the mother in law. It seems you just can't catch a brake. Were where you/he/her from ? It seems to sound like you have been moving to the UK from out of country.

draconis


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## fire_vogel

yep, PMed you about that one.

thanks, even i hope things will work out fine. when my husband and i start discussing these things, ill let you guys know how it goes.


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## kajira

Please keep your head up. Hopefully, your husband will see the light and cut the strings from his mother.


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## fire_vogel

kajira said:


> Please keep your head up. Hopefully, your husband will see the light and cut the strings from his mother.


thanks for the support. i hope so too.


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## fire_vogel

update.

i'm still living in the shared house... but things are much more quiet now and no particular reason to move out...
however, last week, his mother sent him a text message to let him know that his father has agreed to move to the UK so they are most probably coming by the end of next month, as per what she said. so that's the end of Feb. he's totally elated. and of course, he said that the best thing to do is for them to stay in the same house (there's one free room) as us. i was damn honest and straightforward and told him how that made me feel, basically unhappy and i know that a situation like that will just do my head in. of course he didn't appreciate what i said, and he went like, well at the start he'll get them to stay with us and eventually they can move out when they've found another room. YEAH RIGHT, like it's really going to happen like that once they settle down comfortably in this house.

i had to hear him throw all kinds of mean stuff at my face just because i was honest enough to tell him that living in the same house as his parents would make me unhappy. he accused me of being stone hearted, cold and unrelenting. he said that i'm heartless and have no feelings for his parents and that a woman simply can't understand the sentiments of a son towards his parents... that he feels the need to care for them and i don't have the right to stop him from doing that.
so i told him that i'm not stopping him from doing it... but if he could just care about my feelings too while at it. but it didn't make any damn difference.
so for a whole week now, since we got the news, it's just been constant fights, nagging, criticism and each one being on the defensive. on top of that i had an intensive week of training at work, so i eased up a bit on the cooking and cleaning. and THAT was thrown at my face too... like i'm the only one who's supposed to do all of the stuff around here. it's like he's taking revenge out on me for the fact that i dislike his parents and don't want them living in the same house.
to be honest, i hate doing household chores most of the time... i hate cooking... i just find it too time consuming and i do the cleaning up and laundry just because i have to and for hygiene, that's it.
yesterday i came back from work a bit late... so i was relaxing a bit... and at some point he went like, 'aren't you gonna give me any food today?' and in my mind i was like wtf? it hardly sounded like an adult... for a moment i felt like i had a kid on my arms. so then i had to tell him that food was ready all he had to do was to heat it up. it that was too much asking.
and now when his parents move in, i'm gonna have to do the cooking and cleaning for all of us when i didn't even ask for this. how fair does that sound? maybe those of you who like their in laws will find this incredible... that i'm being selfish. but i've endured enough crap from his family. i'm not about to sacrifice my happiness and mental sanity for people like them.

i might sound cruel... and kinda *****y. and the sort of person who doesn't like responsibilities. and maybe the latter is true. but it's just that i'm quite young... and i'm in a marriage that i wasn't ready to have but did anyway because we've been together for almost 4 years and i felt it was right to do it with him... even if i didn't feel it was the right time. and now he's just constantly asking from me, and because i'm not giving, i've turned into a bad bad person. and i deserve all the crap that he throws at me.
at the point that i am right now, i just want out. i went through living with his mother once, and i told him how much i hated it and how much it affected me, but apparently that still doesn't bother him. it's more important to him to have his parents close to him than have a happy marriage with me. so am thinking, if this is the way that things are gonna go, then i might as well move out and get a place of my own once i'm settled in my job. i just can't take it anymore. when we about 3 weeks back... we had a heart to heart discussion about how we're still so young and we should work on the couple stuff as a team and we both agreed... but now it's like suddenly he's chucked all the bad things onto me simply because i don't want to live with his parents.
i tell myself that i do love him... but we might simply not be compatible. and despite all the crap i've had to deal with since we got married, i've tried very very hard to make this work and make us stick together. but there's only so much i can do for two.
there's one thing my father told me... that if ever i'm unhappy, i shouldn't feel forced to stay on... i have the right to leave.
well, i'm definitely unhappy and see unhappiness lying ahead in my future in this couple... (since he is definitely not going to relent about his parents moving in issue)... so what is it i should do...

maybe i'm seeing things in the wrong way... i dunno.

oh and this morning before leaving for work... we had another argument... and he criticised me some more... saying that i'm not paying any attention to him (it's very hard for me to pay attention to him when he's just said hurtful things to me)... but as always despite all the mean things he's said to me, he tries to be nice before leaving and came up to kiss me(i returned it) and said i love you... after he left, i went to pull the curtains and guess what... he had chucked all the clothes from the laundry basket onto the floor... the whole bunch of them. i guess he was looking for something... but he just couldn't care less to put it all back. yep, that's all i deserve. now i have to clean all that up.

guys, i'm so sorry it got this long. it's just been bottled up inside for too many days i guess.


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## draconis

Hey I'd move into the open room and refuse to do his share of the house work. He might be working long hours but he should still be doing some of the house work if you are providing some of the income and his clothes and his food are the perfect place to start. If he wants his parents so much that he can't have a civil discussion with his wife about it then I agree with you that you need to find a way out because you will always be second to him.

draconis


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## fire_vogel

draconis said:


> Hey I'd move into the open room and refuse to do his share of the house work. He might be working long hours but he should still be doing some of the house work if you are providing some of the income and his clothes and his food are the perfect place to start. If he wants his parents so much that he can't have a civil discussion with his wife about it then I agree with you that you need to find a way out because you will always be second to him.
> 
> draconis


and the feeling of being second is terrible.
we had an enormous fight last night about all of it. my honesty about my feelings completely backfired on me. and guess what? he told me that if his parents coming makes me so unhappy, then he's going to tell them to ignore me and not to speak to me because i don't like them interfering in my life. i'd never quite heard anyone react so immaturely and stupidly before. it was quite shocking. then i told him that he's going to ruin perfectly fine relationships by doing that and as it is he doesn't have any relationship with my parents, so he should not hinder in my relationships with his, but he just went on to say that his parents have done nothing wrong to me so there's no reason why i should dislike them.
how can a person be so blind to the wrongs that others do? i know they are his parents, but still!
so i told him that i was ok with the plan of them staying for a week and then moving out to some other place till they have a feel of the area (though his mother already knows all there is to know in the area) and he got pissed, and downright asked me who am i to decide how much time his parents can stay here.
i answered that 'i'm your wife, that's who i am'.
but no, his parents mean more. what's a wife in front of the parents? nothing, crap.
so anyway, i couldn't take anymore and started crying... lots n lots... got sick and threw up... and then he tried getting all caring... but why? why care when the reason i'm hurting is the person itself? i was extremely hurt and mad, so i told him to leave me alone for the night, to just stop talking to me for a while. and i think his ego couldn't take it, so he turned the tables around and said he'll leave me alone for the whole of tonight and the whole of tomorrow (i.e today) and tomorrow night (tonight) as well. he just HAD to have the last word.
so then he let me be...
but when he came to sleep (i was fast asleep) he pulled me close to him and hugged me while we slept, i was too sleepy to bother pull away.
and when he woke up early, he came to my side of the bed and kissed me on my forehead.
what's he upto? i just can't understand what's going on in his head. i know he loves me and needs me. but i wish he'd also respect me. he thinks he does. but hey, ask me, he just doesn't.

anyway, i've pretty much already made up my mind though it's going to be very very difficult to see this through.
we've been together for 4 years and i love him... but i guess i have to do what i have to do for my own happiness now, enough of compromising and sacrificing.
anyway, i've decided that the minute anything goes terribly wrong, and when the time for his parents to come approaches and he still doesn't make any other arrangements and insists on them coming to stay with us, and if he's told them to ignore me etc, well then my life will become hell because my mother in law is one damn *****y person, i've seen her at work hating other people, so i seriously don't want to be at the receiving end of that crap. so i'll move out and stay with my cousin and his wife and kids for some time, they have their own house and a spare room, so that should be ok for a few days. they live quite far from where i work, but it's ok, i'll deal with it for some time. and my cousin will help me find another place closer by then. so there.
then he can do whatever it is he wants with his parents. move to a flat, get them to stay in this house permanently or WHATEVER. i couldn't care less.


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## draconis

Reguardless of anything else a relationship is a partnership between two people. If he really can not see that having his mother there makes it hard on you he never will. I know you love him but you have to decide if you want this for the rest of your life.

draconis


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## Sagidiva35

I know how you feel, my situation is not as bad, but maybe this isn't right for you. He seems to want his way alone, not seeing your side of the situation. You deserve better.


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