# Her weight gain has killed our marriage



## scotthendersonusmc (Mar 29, 2013)

I'll start from the beginning, as that sounds fairly logical. When we started dating, she was about 165 at 5'6". She was gorgeous. Yes, she could have stood to lose a little bit of weight, but I didn't care. She looked great. We had sex like rabbits. She helped me through my cancer surgery, and I knew she was the one. Five months after we met, I proposed. She pledged then and there to lose weight for the wedding, but did the opposite. She gained about 10 pounds. I didn't think it was anything, really, just maybe needed some help with her dieting. After the wedding, she tried diet after diet, and I dieted with her. I lost weight, she gained. It seemed that no matter how much dieting and exercise we did, she couldn't lose weight. Instead, she gained. Fast forward 6 months later, and she was now 190 pounds. Consciously, or unconsciously, I was neglecting her. She didn't feel wanted. She met a guy at a party who gave her that satisfaction and she cheated on me. I did some soul-searching, and I forgave her, because I do truly love this girl. Fast forward to today. She is now 210 pounds. Her weight is completely out of control. I can't hardly recognize her from the girl that I first met. She still has an every-day kind of sex drive, and mine is shot. I am 100% not attracted to her. I feel like shutting my eyes and wishing it was over any time I actually give in to her and have sex. I used to love her kisses when she would give tongue, etc, and now I find it repulsive. I wish I didn't, so bad I wish I was attracted to her again. She's like my best friend. The worst part is that she's trying so hard. She has been dieting and exercising since we got married, we keep zero junk food in the house. And yet she still gains. We don't have enough money for her to see a specialist for possible medical reasons. We tried that route, and after several tests on thyroid, etc, everything came back normal. She passed every blood testing with flying colors. She's really starting to notice how much I despise the way she looks, and it's killing her. She has zero self esteem. I don't know what to do, and my marriage won't last another year like this. I'm surrounded by sexy, tight bodied college girls every day and the temptation is killing me...but I don't want to do that to her. She's in bed right now, probably cried herself to sleep because this is the fourth day in a row that I've turned down sex. We're very open in communication, and I've addressed her weight with her several times, and it just makes her sad. Her self esteem keeps going down the toilet any time I address her weight. Sorry for the wall of text, but I really don't know what to do.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If she is truly working at losing weight and she cannot, there is a reason other than her food intake and exercise.

Some people have a borderline low thyroid that causes this. Unfortunately this often does not show up on blood tests. There is info on it on the internet.

Another thing that has been discovered is the bacterial makeup of the intestines may help determine whether people gain weight or lose it. I've read some thins

http://www.nytimes.com/2013/03/28/health/studies-focus-on-gut-bacteria-in-weight-loss.html?_r=0

In 2014 Obama care kicks in so you will have all the health insurance you need, right?

Are you a student? Is that why you are around college students all day but have no insurance? Does your wife work?

Since you cannot deal with your wife’s health problems, it might be best if you divorce her. The last thing she needs with the problems she has is to be married to someone who is disgusted by her.


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## scotthendersonusmc (Mar 29, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> If she is truly working at losing weight and she cannot, there is a reason other than her food intake and exercise.
> 
> Some people have a borderline low thyroid that causes this. Unfortunately this often does not show up on blood tests. There is info on it on the internet.
> 
> ...


We're both students, so even with our health insurance, we can't hardly afford the co-pay to be paying $50 a visit until they find out what's wrong with her.


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

She needs to go to the doctor and get her thyroid levels checked and her sugar levels. If she is exercising and dieting and is still gaining then she has a health problem. I never had a weight problem until my thyroid went bad. I all of a sudden started gaining weight at a increasing rate...lot more than your wife. They didn't find the problem until I got in a car accident and did a CT scan and found a thyroid tumor. Once they took the tumor and thyroid out and got me on meds yhe weight just started dropping. 

Life is all about change and your going to have good times and bad ...health and illness...money and no money ... if you only love a women if she never changes your going to be a very lonely man in this life. Partners stick together and help each other in good and bad times that's real love.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LoveMouse (Apr 22, 2012)

I'm not sure you know what love is. What marriage vows did you say? Only when she's young and thin?
You might want to think about some personal therapy and find out why you can only see her body and not the inner beauty you say she has.
Some of the most beautiful women in the world have weight problems, but you have to remmeber, they are doing the best they can with the body God gave them.
Watch the movie "Shallow Hal". It's a story about a man who can only see the inner beauty, or in some cases the inner "ugly" of women. Women who have it "all" are monsters inside, the reason for their "beauty" is all for selfish reasons.
Mouse


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

her cheating is also killing your marriage


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> her cheating is also killing your marriage


True, she could have dealt with the lack of affection in a number of better ways, and it's her fault for cheating. However, the OP enabled the cheating to occur in the first place. 

Serious question: If you are 100% repulsed by her and have zero desire to have sex with her, why would you be crushed - or care - if she got her needs met outside of the marriage? I'm not condoning this is a serious solution - just curious.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Okay - this may be harsh, but I've been there/done that so I know how it works.

If she is truly following a diet and exercising and all medical tests have ruled out any medical issue that could be causing an issue with her weight (which is what you've posted).

Then--she is SNEAKING food behind your back. She is eating bad food when you are not around and only dieting when you are present. I've done this before and know many women who have also (men too).

If she is truly following a structured diet and added exercise and there is NO medical reason - then it's impossible not to lose weight, even with a low metabolism (which I have). Even I can lose weight if I am actually dieting and not cheating.

She is cheating (FOOD) - somewhere, somehow - guarantee it!

Have you made it serious how important this is for you to be attracted to her? I had this issue with my ex-husband. I tried to help (he was sabotaging diets with eating bad food when I wasn't around), and told him gently and then more forcefully that I couldn't handle all the fat and that things had to change. He didn't listen - he's my ex-husband now (there were other reasons also, but this was one of them).

Perhaps she doesn't understand that your marriage is in jeopardy...perhaps you need to do something to make sure she thoroughly understands.

Don't worry about those that say you don't know what REAL love is. Love consists of many things - attraction is a cornerstone, it's usually what draws you to a person to begin with. So I thoroughly understand--now she needs to.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

Since we can't change other people, sometimes practicing the art of acceptance is a good choice, and for some so is moving on.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Sorry you are here, is your wife on any type of medication? Some meds will make you gain weight even if you areathletic. Juicing helps with not only your weight but also with eating healthier. Have her try replacing breakfast with a good veggie and fruit juice.
_Posted via Mobile Device_

Or invest on a batiatric doctor how can help her get to the source of the problem, some in my area are about $150 a month.


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## Soifon (Oct 5, 2012)

My thought also is that she is sneaking food. She could be stopping and getting candy and soda at a gas station or vending machine every day. Or binge eating for lunches at work where you can't see her. If she has been tested and everything is normal there is no other explanation for her weight gain except that she is eating badly just not around you. Which means she knows she shouldn't eat that way and is feeling guilty.

Maybe you could suggest she meet with a nutritionist to help her come up with a food plan but it is up to her to stick to it.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> Perhaps she doesn't understand that your marriage is in jeopardy


why would she if she can cheat without consequences?


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

So she's lied to you, cheated on you, and gained a ton of weight even though one of your needs would seemingly be physical attraction.

This is not going to end well. 

There's not a lot you can do here until she starts taking responsibility and caring for herself.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Acorn said:


> *So she's lied to you, cheated on you, and gained a ton of weight even though one of your needs would seemingly be physical attraction.*
> 
> This is not going to end well.
> 
> There's not a lot you can do here until she starts taking responsibility and caring for herself.


You make it sound like the OP was minding his own business and BAM - his wife did these cruel things to him. True, she should have never cheated and it's 100% her fault that she did that but let's not be naive here and think the OP is a dyed in the wool sympathetic character here. Let's review:


OP is attracted to his wife. She's a little heavy set, but he loves the way she looks.
Wife starts gaining weight. They try some diets. OP starts to lose his attraction to his wife due to weight.
Wife keeps gaining, OP keeps losing interest. He admits to being repulsed by his wife when they have sex - hopiing it ends ASAP.
Wife feels neglected, hooks up with someone at a party.
OP is still repulsed by his wife physically, and she's even bigger than she was since she cheated.

So here is where I get confused. The OP said he was attracted to his wife, but clearly she was overweight from the start. Are we to seriously believe that the OP didn't have a decent idea about whether his wife would have been into the weight loss/physical fitness lifestyle from the start? I think this is one of those situations where a person marries someone else with the thought in mind that "I may not like what my spouse is doing, but I know that I can change his/her mentality"... This is what it looks like to me.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

The only person who has control over their happiness is... the person staring back in the mirror. If you've already decided that it's not going to work out, then it's not. Nothing anyone tells you here will change that. 

I'm wondering if there appeared to be more to her than met the eye because she was there for you when you were weak. The cancer thing. This may sound harsh, but your judgment may have been clouded by that. Most people with cancer are thinking, regardless of prognosis, about big questions. How long have I got? How did I get here? Where am I going? She provided a sense of stability and purpose at a time when you were vulnerable. 

Then there's the sex thing. Like rabbits. Could finding someone who shared a high desire for sex have also clouded your judgment? And then you discover after a while that there's more to life than just sex, and what you see causes problems? Was there a break in your sex life (perhaps when she cheated) that allowed you to re-examine its importance? 

Just things to think about. But in general, a lot of people here would be happier with an overweight wife with a high sex drive than a more attractive (in a traditional sense) wife with a low sex drive. That also raises a red flag in your relationship (for some of us here).


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

OP appears to be still in college and proposed after 5 months. OP's failing is not the concerns about weight (any loving spouse would be concerned about such a large weight gain in such a short span of time), but rather, he didn't really know her and got hitched too quickly.

I do believe OP was attracted to his wife at the time of the proposal and since that time, she has done everything possible to kill his attraction - lie to him, cheat on him, and gain 50 pounds in a very short time span. And, OP has done all the right things - diet with her, exercise together, forgive her, etc. - to no avail. He has made an effort.

She is not marriage material right now. She needs to find the love for herself before she has any love to offer OP at this point.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

My first thought also is that she's sneaking food. Perhaps it's too much pressure to get the weight of that she eats because of it. I also gained weight a year after marriage and complained about it constantly but did nothing to help the situation. 

I guess it's too late to say this now but the fact that you should have seen this coming means you aren't completely faultless.

Puzzling thing here is you glossed over the cheating. That would have been the dealbreaker to a lot of spouses. So you must have some empathy. I know you say there's not much money right now but maybe you could find a church that would give you some marriage counseling. Lay everything out on the table for your wife. The fact that she cheated on the marriage doesn't make it far fetched that she's also cheating on the diet.


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## Adex (Aug 1, 2012)

She cheated, gained so much weight, and you're still married? Well the weight part can be worked on, but she cheated and you find her repulsive now. With no kids, it's time to leave while you're still young.


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