# To Know or not to Know



## essexgirl (Nov 13, 2012)

Perhaps some of you men can answer this - and ladies too.

If you found out your partner/wife was having a "internet love affair" would you want to know what was said, to the very last detail or would you not want to know all the gory details ????:scratchhead:


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

I may be in the minority but I really wouldn't want to know. There would be no point because in my mind the relationship would be over once I found out.


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## 40isthenew20 (Jul 12, 2012)

I'd want to know everything and confront her ass with it. Closing your eyes to it is going to allow it to escalate from what you may deem harmless to a physical affair.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

At one point, I would but I have had a change of heart. What I would want to know is "why" and if it's true. To know all the details isn't going to make it any better. 

Now I am one of those people that believe that a internet affair is an affair. I've read so many threads where the exchange of nude pictures and videos has happened and the only thing I can come up with is the only reason their sending pictures and videos is because they haven't had the chance to actually get together. An affair is a deal breaker and I have no room in my life if my GF/wife had an affair. 

I refuse to live a life where I have to always look over my shoulder and wonder if she is where she says she is, doing what she says she's doing, with who she says she's with. I can't live like that and I would expect the same from her if I was the one cheating. You know what your doing. You know right from wrong, good from bad and if your not happy with me, tell me. Yeah, I'll be pissed and hurt but like everything else, time heals all wounds.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I'd want to know *every blasted detail*....and we'd work through it...in my view, what you don't know, you elevate in your mind &  to be EVEN WORSE / more passionate/ whatever than it might have even been...which could be more tormenting...

Being married to me, my husband knows this... and being as open as I naturally am.. He'd easily get this in return if I did something to hurt our marriage.. I would owe him THAT MUCH....so I better be good, so I never have to go there and hurt him like that.. 

I've read so many threads on TAM...This is one of my very favorites....the message, if lived, is the deterrent to ever go there....
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/articles/993-sex-lies-secrets-secrecy-destroying-your-marriage.html


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

If I found out about it while it was going on I'd want to know everything. If I were to forgive and move on I'd need to know exactly what I'm forgiving. If there were any deal-breakers in there I'd need to know that too.

If I found out about it after the fact, especially long after the fact, then this might be a different story. It would depend on what had happened in the marriage in the interim.


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

I'd want to know the basic things, but not all the details. The more you ask the more hurt you get, the more questions you need to ask and make your pain worse; the more you know, the more triggers, the more worthless feeling. And who's gonna harm that you feel that way and that you go all over the details 1,000 times a day? the WS? No. The world? No. You and only you suffer going thru all that stuff in your mind ceaselessly.

They had an affair. They betrayed. It's all to know. What's the use of more salt on the wound? If you're going to forgive and R, the more details you have, the more you think about it, the harder to move on; that keeps you stuck in the purgatory; it hurts the marriage, but most of all, it only hurts you.
If you're going to leave, what's the point to take it all with you? the less you know, the easiest to get on with your life. Carrying the pain of overthinking details and the magnitude of the betrayal will sabotage your chances of finding ( and keeping ) someone new. Who you hurt by living like that? your WS? No...Yourself.

It's a tough pill to swallow but nobody cares...the WS lives their life..the world goes on, while you wallow in your misery, repeating all the time what you know about the betrayal, how could they do this and that...it's what knowing it all does.

It all sums up to "they cheated" and if you can go on or not. The rest is extra agony.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

ReformedHubby said:


> I may be in the minority but I really wouldn't want to know. There would be no point because in my mind the relationship would be over once I found out.


In agreement!! 

To the OP I would need to know more details...........internet love affair that is ongoing or in the past and over? One that is in the same city or in another country.

Generally my stance is if my wife were to philander and she felt regret, stopped it, and was refocusing on me, assuming she ever stopped focusing on me. 

I would not want to know at all EVER!! No reason  it would just cause me, her, kids pain and heartache. A ongoing, longlasting tryst, with emotion and physicality, well that is different.

ONS or similear NOPE!! I'll enjoy my blissful ingnorance.


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

If I found out while it was going on I would ask until I had every detail cuz that's how I am, but objectively, do I really want to hear every gory detail and torture myself like that? No. The only thing that really matters is: why is he doing it and is he willing to stop.


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## essexgirl (Nov 13, 2012)

Thanks for the answers - after finding out, it went on for about 4 months. I just dug and dug till I found out about 80% of what had been said, now wishing perhaps I hadn't, it is in my mind now 24/7 BUT I am not sure if I could not have dug and just let it go. Too late now :-((


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

I would want to know everything up until I reached the decision to D. If I am going to consider R, I need to know what happened. If no absolute deal breakers appeared in all the data, I would consider R. As soon as a deal-breaker appears, there is no reason to dig any further.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

I would want to know enough to understand how involved they were.

If they we exchanging "I love yous" and talking about a future together that would matter big time to me

If they were... I doubt I would want to stay married to him anyway.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

If I asked for the sordid details, I'd figure that she was just lying anyway.


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## brokenhearted118 (Jan 31, 2013)

I asked the questions. What did you say to these women? My WH told me, "You are a smart woman, use your imagination, and you can figure out the conversations." That really hurt! He couldn't bare repeating to me the intimate conversations. I never pressed further, because I waffled with wanting to know for sure or just using my own imagination. I am afraid if I did hear it for myself, I could never look at him again. I am not sure which is right or wrong, I suppose whatever works for each person or couple. I really hate infidelity!


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Hell yes, I'd like to know! I went better than two years following my XW's self-ordered "exile" of me to another city, richly not knowing one damn thing about either of her out of town trysts with her boyfriends from her past(and quite possibly more), richly thinking that I had a truly devoted loving wife who would never ever entertain doing something like that to her loving faithful husband; only to learn about it later through a closer examination of her cell phone records as well as her FB postings.

To learn of this, I was absolutely so shell-shocked that I felt like I was truly a rape victim!

Had I originally known, oh, the absolute, unmitigated hell that I could have raised!*


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> *I'd want to know every blasted detail....and we'd work through it...in my view, what you don't know, you elevate in your mind &*  to be EVEN WORSE / more passionate/ whatever than it might have even been...which could be more tormenting...
> 
> Being married to me, my husband knows this... and being as open as I naturally am.. He'd easily get this in return if I did something to hurt our marriage.. I would owe him THAT MUCH....so I better be good, so I never have to go there and hurt him like that..
> 
> ...


I used to believe the old adage that the truth is not anywhere near as bad as when the mind runs wild...until I discovered that the reality of a certain situation was way worse than even I had imagined...

Anyway, yeah, I'd want to know so I could have an informed choice on if I was going to end the relationship or not.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

I would prefer not to ever find out about it at all. Once I knew I would be curiuos about the details. I don't think the details would make me any more upset with her, that is something I can differentiate that she can not. So I would have no problem knowing what was said.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

gbrad said:


> I would prefer not to ever find out about it at all. Once I knew I would be curiuos about the details. I don't think the details would make me any more upset with her, that is something I can differentiate that she can not. So I would have no problem knowing what was said.


*Brad: In my given situation, had I separated and divorced and never came to find out a solitary thing about my XW's rampant out-of-town trysts with both of her BF's of yesteryear, I probably would have been OK, largely thinking that she was undergoing some mental issues.

But during our separation and upon taking my attorney's advise to comb through her cell phone/texting records on our mutual billings is what shed light on her scurilous activities, predated nearly two years before our separation, while we were living together and continuing to share the marital bed together.

That discovery prompted "probable cause" which led to discovery as to the scope and nature of those texts and FB postings of her's which greatly incriminated her. 

In essence, I wanted to know as much as I could possibly find out because of a two-fold web of deception that she had so eloquently weaved ~ deception by means of her emotional/physical affairs and deception by means of her lying and covering it up by her silence and willful omission of such!*


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