# Wife admits she doesn't want to be alive anymore



## mountain_minds (Mar 5, 2014)

My W and I are working through a myriad of issues in MC.

We now write letters to one another to try to tackle hard subjects.

Last communication my W says:
" I don't want to f*****g be alive half the time, that would be easier and you would be happier and not have to deal with any of it.. "

She is not seeing an IC, only our MC. (she's not interested in an IC)

What should I do here? My W is set to see the MC solo today - and I wonder if I should at least tell the MC what she said? 

I'm pretty sure she won't hurt herself - when I asked her about it she said she'd not have the guts to go through with it... but yet... it's obviously a cry for help.. It's clear she's depressed amongst many things.

I would like to call and tell the MC so she knows what's going on - and maybe recommend something for her. Like an IC. Or should I just let it be? 

What's the best course of action here?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Why would you NOT get on the phone and tell the MC???


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## mountain_minds (Mar 5, 2014)

Hope1964 said:


> Why would you NOT get on the phone and tell the MC???


I guess not to be a tattle tale so to speak. I don't know what she wants by telling me this.... and if it's true, she must be terrible depressed to say such a thing?


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

mountain_minds said:


> I guess not to be a tattle tale so to speak. I don't know what she wants by telling me this.... and if it's true, she must be terrible depressed to say such a thing?


If it's true that she's thinking of killing herself then it naturally follows that she's terribly depressed.

I wouldn't sit on this.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Your wife says she's suicidal and you're worried about being a tattle tale??

Dude, call the MC.


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## mountain_minds (Mar 5, 2014)

Hope1964 said:


> Your wife says she's suicidal and you're worried about being a tattle tale??
> 
> Dude, call the MC.


yeah.. I let the MC know.

I'm not there at this session today, so I'm afraid to see what's up when she finally gets back.


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## Tmj4477 (May 3, 2014)

Make a separate appointment with the MC and talk to them about a course of action.


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## purplekisses83 (May 4, 2014)

mountain_minds said:


> My W and I are working through a myriad of issues in MC.
> 
> We now write letters to one another to try to tackle hard subjects.
> 
> ...


It's a obvious cry for help...I know from seeing tv shows and going threw it myself...but sometimes when your going threw it your too afraid or ashamed too get help wondering what people will think of you or thinking your dumb and stupid for getting help or people go think you crazy because of how your expressing yourself and letting it out


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

As someone who often thinks of death as a release from my own stupid thoughts,I think you should give your wife the chance to open up to the counselor solo before you go sharing things she told you in confidence. I also think you should tell her you want to discuss it with the counselor and see how she feels about it.


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

I too look at death as a way out. It is on my mind most days. I tried twice in the past 14 months and am sure I will keep trying until I get it right.

In your case, it is right to let the MC know.


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## Laxdad (May 5, 2014)

You need to tell her family dr also ....I was in the same situation , we both had affairs , hers came out first...she couldn't stand what she did..look at out pics on the wall or at our kids..she "hid " at her friends house til we were asleep and would come home til she finall started feeling better..she told me later she thought of killing herself during those times ..I told her I was there for her ,and notified all her dr's


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Have you gotten back in touch with the doctor after the session?


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## mountain_minds (Mar 5, 2014)

Well, I did tell this to the MC, and told her that though I was pretty sure my W would never go through with it (and when asked, my W said she wouldn't) that I wanted her to know of this clear indication of depression - that my W would be loath to reveal in MC. She put's on a happy face for the MC.

I told the MC that though I felt bad about tattling, so to speak, but that I felt she should know about it.

My W and MC had an individual session last week after I revealed this, and I guess the MC and her talked about it. So, that's good enough for me. According to my W, it was "no big deal". 

I was sort of hoping it might pique my MC attention that my wife has battled depression for years - and has been in a clear slump. But, I don't think the MC will do much. She just wanted to be sure she won't harm herself.

I will bring this up today, when I'm in MC... that I think my W is depressed. I don't think talk about not wanting to be alive anymore is normal. That at the minimum it's a cry for help, and that I'm ill-equipped to help. I can't un-depress my wife. If I suggest she takes more time for herself, try a new activity that makes her happy, try some physical activity, etc, it comes off like a brick. She just doesn't take care of herself and works herself too hard at her job. And my W expects ME to make her happy. Something has to give.

My W, about 8 years ago used to be on anti-depressants, but didn't feel she needed them more. It's something she refuses to touch... and she loathes medication. She won't even let me try to put one of our poor dogs on an anti-anxiety med, because that poor creature is deathly afraid of people and new things.

Anyhow, I'm pretty sure my W will never do something drastic. Even if our relationship failed. But, it still scares me when she says stuff like that.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Frankly, this would be a deal-breaker for me. If my spouse was in a years-long funk and refused to do anything to stop it, I would have to say to him I won't stay in this relationship without you addressing it.

And sometimes, that's what depressed people need - to be told just that.


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## mountain_minds (Mar 5, 2014)

turnera said:


> Frankly, this would be a deal-breaker for me. If my spouse was in a years-long funk and refused to do anything to stop it, I would have to say to him I won't stay in this relationship without you addressing it.
> 
> And sometimes, that's what depressed people need - to be told just that.


Hey, I can't agree more. There's a bunch of other stuff going on too, that complicates our relationship. CSA is one. She's a survivor and is JUST dealing with it now after years of me asking her to try and see someone.

Could be my patience meter has timed out because I've had to hold and be the rock for a lot of years. It's not a good place we're in. Or I'm in, really...


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## beachwater (Mar 10, 2014)

turnera said:


> Frankly, this would be a deal-breaker for me. If my spouse was in a years-long funk and refused to do anything to stop it, I would have to say to him I won't stay in this relationship without you addressing it.
> 
> And sometimes, that's what depressed people need - to be told just that.


It's not that easy. Mental illness is just that. She's sick and can't help herself. You sound like a jerk. You don't just tell a cancer patient to snap out of it. You can't do the same to a clinically depressed person.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I get that. And BTDT. But you also don't just sit there and let a depressed person stay in it for the rest of their life without pushing them to get help. My SIL is divorcing my brother because of this; she's been trying to get him to address his depression for 25 years and he has steadfastly refused. Now that she has left him, he suddenly wants to talk about it. 

Mountain says he's finally got her to go to therapy for the CSA, which is good. He now needs to stay on top of this as well.


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## mountain_minds (Mar 5, 2014)

turnera said:


> I get that. And BTDT. But you also don't just sit there and let a depressed person stay in it for the rest of their life without pushing them to get help. My SIL is divorcing my brother because of this; she's been trying to get him to address his depression for 25 years and he has steadfastly refused. Now that she has left him, he suddenly wants to talk about it.
> 
> Mountain says he's finally got her to go to therapy for the CSA, which is good. He now needs to stay on top of this as well.


Well, we're in marriage counseling and she's not seeing someone specifically to tackle this issue. I still want her to see a specialist, which she refuses to do. MC, for anyone that wants to know.. doesn't really get to the root of CSA.... Nor does it address depression. I guess we're going backwards, trying to heal the hurt that CSA (including depression) has brought to our relationship, and then somehow she'll want to dive further into why it's been harming us. Seems backwards to me, but the MC knows the full picture. 

Why is it when people are on the brink, they finally will do something, when a relationship is basically half or more dead?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Human nature.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

mountain_minds said:


> yeah.. I let the MC know.
> 
> I'm not there at this session today, so I'm afraid to see what's up when she finally gets back.


 How about this. Tell her that you love her and your worried about her and don't want to lose her. 

Your her husband and when she has these feelings about ending it, if you don't speak up and do something then your just making it worse. 

Her condition is not just hers but yours too and it it comes down to it, you do everything you can to help including filling in the IC or doctor of what you have seen and heard because chances are she isn't telling them everything. Good luck.


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## mountain_minds (Mar 5, 2014)

6301 said:


> How about this. Tell her that you love her and your worried about her and don't want to lose her.


Of course I told her this!



> Her condition is not just hers but yours too and it it comes down to it, you do everything you can to help including filling in the IC or doctor of what you have seen and heard because chances are she isn't telling them everything. Good luck.


Like I said she has no IC and refuses to get one. I've not told her own physician yet, but I'm thinking it won't matter -because in the public eye she will put on an excellent front and probably end up laughing it off, if confronted or minimize it.. I, however, get to see a different side.

Anyhow, I've started with telling the MC. Hopefully something comes out of that.


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## bkaydezz (Jul 9, 2012)

mountain_minds said:


> My W and I are working through a myriad of issues in MC.
> 
> We now write letters to one another to try to tackle hard subjects.
> 
> ...


I really feel for her. I have felt like this so many times. It is depression at its finest. I really have to push past my emotions sometimes and tell myself not to dwell on something that doesn't deserve it. This is so hard to deal with. I would encourage her to do what she enjoys doing. Something she can bare her feelings into without judgement. Mine for me, was a notebook. What relief.


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## DeeDawn (May 7, 2014)

I live her life. Many suicide attempts before and after marriage. Just about made it one time good but just got pumped out and a three lockdown for it though. If you have never been in such a dark lonely scary place it is impossible to empathize. I have bruises from my husband throwing me yesterday across the room to gun out of my hands. He has been cut trying to take the knife from my wrists. He has put up with a lot watching me become as sick as my mother. I just can't deal with my past. I can't deal with his porn. I can't deal with feeling like he never told me the whole truth about it. He said what he did was 50% my fault. That I failed. I guess I did.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

ScarletBegonias said:


> As someone who often thinks of death as a release from my own stupid thoughts,





dormant said:


> I too look at death as a way out. It is on my mind most days. I tried twice in the past 14 months and am sure I will keep trying until I get it right.





DeeDawn said:


> I live her life. Many suicide attempts before and after marriage. Just about made it one time good but just got pumped out and a three lockdown for it though. If you have never been in such a dark lonely scary place it is impossible to empathize. I have bruises from my husband throwing me yesterday across the room to gun out of my hands. He has been cut trying to take the knife from my wrists. He has put up with a lot watching me become as sick as my mother. I just can't deal with my past. I can't deal with his porn. I can't deal with feeling like he never told me the whole truth about it. He said what he did was 50% my fault. That I failed. I guess I did.


Dear Lord!!!! All of you have serious issues, and I can't believe no one else in this thread is pointing that out. 

DeeDawn, out of all the problems in this world, your husband looking at porn has to the one of the lowest possible. It's certainly nothing to kill yourself over. OMG. 

*My mother tried to kill herself twice when I was a child (once right in front of me). You have no idea how SELFISH suicide is, and what it does to others.*

All of you, please get some help. Like yesterday.* Or PM me, please*. I can't stress this enough. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem!!!!!


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## DeeDawn (May 7, 2014)

See doctor and start new therapist Friday. Putting in work on this. Just wanted to say that I've tried. Really. Take all meds. Hard to accept this. Wish everyone could walk in their spouses shoes just for one day. Maybe it would help both parties involved to see the other side of the coin. Maybe it would change things.


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

I see a therapist every week and my doctor is still adjusting my meds.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

DeeDawn said:


> See doctor and start new therapist Friday. Putting in work on this. Just wanted to say that I've tried. Really. Take all meds. Hard to accept this. Wish everyone could walk in their spouses shoes just for one day. Maybe it would help both parties involved to see the other side of the coin. Maybe it would change things.


Dee, in your situation, what good would it do for your spouse to walk in your shoes, other than to empathize better? I mean, I know it would make you FEEL better, but in terms of you personally reaching a place where you effect real change, how do you think it would move you forward? Doesn't this have to come from you?


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## DeeDawn (May 7, 2014)

Yes. It does. I hope everyone gets better too.


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## mountain_minds (Mar 5, 2014)

turnera said:


> Dee, in your situation, what good would it do for your spouse to walk in your shoes, other than to empathize better? I mean, I know it would make you FEEL better, but in terms of you personally reaching a place where you effect real change, how do you think it would move you forward? *Doesn't this have to come from you?*


ding ding ding

This is the part. A lot of spouses who are dealing with mental illness or the past... they want their significant other to somehow "work on it with them". I think the spouse can understand, but with an issue like depression - that's an individual's demon to deal with. I can say this as a person who's married to a depressive spouse - I can't fix her! I can never do the right things! 

She ultimately has to decide for herself how to clear the hurdle. Certainly I can support her - but I cannot do this for her. 

At the end of the day, married or not, we are still individuals. We still need to take care of ourselves to be any good in our relationships.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

Speaking only from my own experience (as the mentally ill spouse):

You need to seperate yourself emotionally from her a bit. I don't know your back story or MC history but I got the impression from your posts here that you have spent many years trying to do the hard work for her and make her feel better. This is not your job. In fact, you don't even have that power, so it's an exercise in futility. Which it sounds like you are realizing. 

She is ill. She needs to handle it herself. It is no different than a diabetic who refuses to watch their diet or take their insulin properly and makes themselves sick. Her illness affects you because you cannot build your life with someone who cannot participate fully because of poorly controlled illness. Tell her that, if you haven't already. 

One thing to keep in mind...many people who deal with mental illness have developed coping mechanisms for it, which they may or may not be aware of. Denial or rugsweeping is common. The first steps towards treatment, especially therapy, are the scariest because there is the removal of the security blanket. Most people will fight that and even if she is actively trying to get better, she may first appear worse because she's trudging up all of those demons she's been trying to bury for however many years. 

I am afflicted myself, but I see suicide talk and suicide attempt as two different things. Talk - especially paired with strong emotion - is a cry of frustration. She's likely ashamed of her condition, embarassed that you've had to be part of her demons, frustrated knowing you deserve more than she can give you, truly telling herself you would be happier if she were no longer your burden bringing you down. She wants you to understand how deeply affected she is by her demons because there often seems to be a perception that the "healthy" person thinks you should be able to just snap out of it. Or that you are being ridiculous or over dramatic. I cannot know her true intentions but thats my guess as BTDT. It was when I was completely calm about it, matter of fact, that I was the biggest risk to myself. 

It is good that you shared it with the counselor and you should be clear with her that if she tells you that again, you will take her to the nearest psychiatric unit and have her committed. Make it clear that it's not OK to fantasize about it and that it's not a joke or something that should be thrown around to get your attention. Tough love. 

You are in a hard spot where you have to walk the line between setting boundaries and enforcing them, and exercising patience while she gets herself together. Know that if she's got a true mental illness, its a life long affliction and it may never be fully under control. It will wax and wane during her life. You have to make your own decision about what boundaries to put up (I will only stay married to you so long as you are continually seeking treatment) and what you are willing to put up with.

Please remember though that you are not her caretaker or therapist substitute. You can't be. You cannot fix her. 

The kindest thing you can do, IMO, is to explain to her that you understand how deeply she hurts even if you cannot empathize (remember that sympathy and empathy are two diff things), and that you will always take her illness seriously. Then explain to her that you will not put up with bad behavior regardless of her illness and that you expect her to put in the personal effort to be the best version of herself for this marraige, just like you do for her.


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## Forum ID (Jun 8, 2014)

You need to pay attention! What she is saying is you are making her situation unbearable. She's not happy, you're not happy and the only out she sees is death. She doesn't want you to be unhappy, but she doesn't know how to fix it, so if she were dead... It sounds to me you may be pressing her to fix it and she simply can't at this point. The frustration of being badgered about something you can't or don't know how to fix is simply exhausting. If you love her, and I mean truly love her, she is your best friend and you can't breathe without her. You will support her mind, give her space and help her find the means to the end of whatever the problem is. She doesn't need you to turn your back on her now.


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