# Would love to move-on



## Lex (Apr 12, 2010)

Just found out that my wife for 9 years has been having an affair with someone at work not the same dept.Wife and I have two kids, love them very very much, can't spend second without thinking about them.When I was first confronted her about the affair, she said that they were just friends. It was not until I went to her cell and discovered a text that he had sent her. Her phone had a lock on it, I could not read it.therefore, I asked her to unlock the phone so I could read the text, she unlock and immediately deleted the text before handing the phone back to me.I needed no more answers after that, all I asked her was how long have you been doing this. She said about a month,I felt it was the end of the world. wow, my wife of 9 years and being together for 13 years, with two children, met freshman year in college. To make this short, she told the reason was because she wanted someone to talk to, the guy was nice to her. She told me that I do not do anything with her. I said to myself that Is that a reason to cheat on your spouse. Are there any justification for cheating?.Never cheated on my wife, never would, never thought there was a justification for it.

I would love to leave her but I found myself unable to do that. I would miss reading my kids bed time stories,would miss kissing them goodnight.wouldn't know how to tell they why daddy doesn't sleep here anymore.I also still love my wife, I just can't put this pass me. I think about it everyday, all the time.I do not want that, I want to be normal again, but don't know how.

We're going to counseling, but I feel worse each time I go. I feel like I am being blame for her cheating on me.It seems like the counselor wants to talk about what I am not giving my wife but never address my wife's infidelity.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Lex,

Has she stopped all contact with the OM?

You need to go to marriagebuilders.com and start understanding some things about yourself, about your wife, and about your relationship.

We don't know anything other than she cheated. I know how counselors do that Lex, but the counselor is correct - there are obviously things that you weren't doing that your wife needed which she sought elsewhere. No that doesn't make what she did right, but you and she created a situation where she would seek it out. So you need to work on you and she will have to work on her and together work on the situation.


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## Lex (Apr 12, 2010)

Thank you Feelingalone!
She said she stopped all contact but I can't tell for sure.I wasn't perfect, she wasn't. I knew she wasn't but I love and was faithful to her regardless.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Les,

I also suggest a book I just finished reading "Being the STrong Man a Woman Wants" by Elliott Katz. Being a "man" the right kind of man is important. And unfortunately we aren't given manuals -- but this book is a guide. 

You will need to ensure there is no contact. Because if she is still contacting the OM, then she won't work on the marriage.

There should be no secrets in your marriage -- you should be able to check phone records, text records, e-mails, etc. This isn't a control thing -- it is an honest thing for your w to do.

Peace.


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## Lex (Apr 12, 2010)

Now when I check your phone,she claims that I am not giving her privacy.

How do I ensure there is no contact?.


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## showtime (Mar 18, 2010)

Lex said:


> Now when I check your phone,she claims that I am not giving her privacy.
> 
> How do I ensure there is no contact?.


That is the same crap my wife tried to pull!!! I asked for her passwords and stuff, and she wouldn't give them up. So I would say your W is still talking to TOM!!!

Like others have said, the only privacy a spouse should have in a marriage is when one goes to the restroom. No secrets!!!!


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Lex,

That is a classic line from a disloyal spouse when either in an EA or PA. Look to posts written by Affiarcare, and Tanelornpete. They can guide you on what to say regarding that.

But basically you tell her what Showtime said -- this isn't a privacy issue it is a marriage issue. You are telling her there is no room for another man in your marriage meaning no contact. Let her know that the consequence of her actions is that she will leave the house and you will keep the kids but that she is more than welcome to stay or come back when no contact is maintained. 

That is being a man -- standing up for your principals but doing so in as compassionate a way as possible given the circumstances. IT sucks, it will hurt, but it needs to be done.


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## pochael (Apr 12, 2010)

Lex... If I may. There are a number of issues. And it seems with me being a Christian person, and maybe the only one here, my views may not be wanted...

First, in the Bible, you do have the right to leave. But I would suggest you try to stay. One of the things that changed my life and my marriage (wife also cheated) was the book called the Love Dare. Which is a 40 day devotional. And I will tell you it taught me a number of things that I now have probably the greatest marriage anyone could ask for. In fact, I would also recomend the movie "Fireproof" which is based on the book. That will give you a really good idea if this is for you. You can rent it pretty much anywhere. 

As for the phone. It is your job to protect your marriage (within reason). If that is to make sure there is no contact with another man, then Get that password. 

As for the counselor, I cannot comment there. But this is the both of you. If it seems one sided, then leave it. But be open, if it is both of you, then deal with all it.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Great, so you are happy when you read your kids stories, and miserable the rest of the time thinking about your cheating wife. Better to be a part time parent and happy, then to be modeling a depressed one the other 23 1/2 hours a day. A lot of counselors are interested in smoothing over the cheating and telling the one that was cheated on to "just get over it". No consequence for the cheater. Hell for the other partner. I would be hitting the road and telling the cheater, that I need to get away from her and heal. It takes 2 to 5 years to get over infidelity if you ever get over it at all. And most marriages do not recover. She doesn't even want to be transparent, which proves she is neither sorry or has any intention of stopping. She is blame shifting. It all comes down to no consequences for her. She gets her security, her man on the side. And you get to suffer and stress over the next time she disappears for an afternoon or evening, while you are reading your kids bedtime stories. I am sure others here will disagree but my view is no contrition, no sorrow, no transparency......no marriage. Separate finances and file. If your kids ask why daddy doesn't sleep at home anymore. Tell them that their mom loved another man more then she loved you. Then find someone you won't be miserable with for the rest of your life.


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## mommy2 (Oct 27, 2009)

Lex,

First off, sorry you're going thru this - its sucks, I know. 

Let me say you can move on. It will take time and work, but it can be done. What your wife did was wrong, but you have to take a good hard look at your marriage, yourself and your actions. Something pushed her to cheat. I know this all too well because my actions and the state of my marriage led my H to do the same. IT DOESN'T MEAN I CONDONE HIS ACTIONS OR EXCUSE THEM. He was wrong, selfish (and a few other choice words), no quesiton about that. But he made a huge mistake. He has to live with that guilt. I have to realize what part I played and fix that so that we can rebuild our marriage. WE have made huge steps toward this and I can tell you our marriage is happier and stronger than it's been in years. 

I understand your frustration with your counselor. I, too, was a little shocked after our first session. Part of me was hoping and waiting for her to ream my H a new one for what he did! BUT we ended up briefly discussing the A. Instead, she focused on our marriage and what was wrong with it and what we were going to do to move forward and fix it. It was about US. So, again, I too at times struggle with the thought that he "got away" with something but I can't think that way. Instead, I think of what I am getting. A better husband, a better marriage, a better ME, a better family for my two wonderful children. That's a whole lot better than the alternative.

As many have said, you need to make sure your wife has completely ended the A and has no contact with the OM. That way you know for sure she is focused on your marriage. Also, communication is key. As hard as it may be, you need to talk, really talk, alot about what led her there, etc. Do so calmly and not accusingly. You need to accept and admit your faults in the situation as well. (again, she's still completely wrong for doing what she did) But I believe when she sees you aren't throwing all the blame her way and owning up to some of the inadequacies in your marriage, that will allow her to open up and become closer to you. My H was shocked at how I reacted and it made him more determined to reconnect with me. (and made him feel SOOOOO sorry for doing what he did and putting me through this horrible thing)

Best of luck to you. It's not an easy road but one that could be worth taking. My H and I too can't imagine not being here to read our kids their bedtime stories. I am so happy for myself and them that I chose to work through this.


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## Lex (Apr 12, 2010)

Feelingalone said:


> Lex,
> 
> That is a classic line from a disloyal spouse when either in an EA or PA. Look to posts written by Affiarcare, and Tanelornpete. They can guide you on what to say regarding that.
> 
> ...


I think that she sees it differently. She thinks that she'll get to keep our kids and move on with her new guy.


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## Lex (Apr 12, 2010)

pochael said:


> Lex... If I may. There are a number of issues. And it seems with me being a Christian person, and maybe the only one here, my views may not be wanted...
> 
> First, in the Bible, you do have the right to leave. But I would suggest you try to stay. One of the things that changed my life and my marriage (wife also cheated) was the book called the Love Dare. Which is a 40 day devotional. And I will tell you it taught me a number of things that I now have probably the greatest marriage anyone could ask for. In fact, I would also recomend the movie "Fireproof" which is based on the book. That will give you a really good idea if this is for you. You can rent it pretty much anywhere.
> 
> ...



Thank you pochael!
I do want to stay, I'll get the book and the movie.Never been to counseling before. Seems like the counselor is looking to the future but I am not heal yet. I need answers, I have some many questions.


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## HopeinHouston (Mar 1, 2010)

Lex ... after 13 years my wife cheated on me ... and hers didn't last a month it lasted a year. Actually it was 2 separate long term affairs over 3 years. Also though work. 

Let me say a few things, I'll bullet them here:

*absolutely I neglected her and was not meeting her needs, and that absolutely created the situation in which she had the affair. 
* That being said, she bears 100% blame and guilt for the affair. She could have confronted me and forced us to talk about the hurt she was experiencing because of my neglect, she could have asked for counseling. Instead she had an affair. Actually affairs. 
*However, despite her full blame for the affairs I have to own the fact that my actions and neglect were causing hurt and did create the environment in which she had that affair. Without owning that and trying to change myself we would not be the success story that we are today. 
*Moving on to another subject ... there does need to be transparancy by her, and a cutting of contact with this other person. Complete cutting off may not be possible if it is a work relationship, and how that is handled would have to be figured out by you guys. But all personal contact needs to be cut off, and you do need to be able to see and read texts or emails when you so desire. 
*counseling would be very helpful, but only if both of you are: A. honest with yourselves about your own culpability in the situation and B. commited to trying to resolve and heal your relatoinship.


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## Lex (Apr 12, 2010)

Initfortheduration said:


> Great, so you are happy when you read your kids stories, and miserable the rest of the time thinking about your cheating wife. Better to be a part time parent and happy, then to be modeling a depressed one the other 23 1/2 hours a day. A lot of counselors are interested in smoothing over the cheating and telling the one that was cheated on to "just get over it". No consequence for the cheater. Hell for the other partner. I would be hitting the road and telling the cheater, that I need to get away from her and heal. It takes 2 to 5 years to get over infidelity if you ever get over it at all. And most marriages do not recover. She doesn't even want to be transparent, which proves she is neither sorry or has any intention of stopping. She is blame shifting. It all comes down to no consequences for her. She gets her security, her man on the side. And you get to suffer and stress over the next time she disappears for an afternoon or evening, while you are reading your kids bedtime stories. I am sure others here will disagree but my view is no contrition, no sorrow, no transparency......no marriage. Separate finances and file. If your kids ask why daddy doesn't sleep at home anymore. Tell them that their mom loved another man more then she loved you. Then find someone you won't be miserable with for the rest of your life.



Lots of what you say are very true.I have never wanted to be a part-time parent,I tried very hard to avoid that.I do not that she is sorry at all. I think you're right, She thinks that she'll get her new man and the the kids.There's absolutely no consequences at all.I think that I should give them another reason why I don't sleep at home because I do not want them to get in the middle of this mess.


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

> Lots of what you say are very true.I have never wanted to be a part-time parent,I tried very hard to avoid that.I do not that she is sorry at all. I think you're right, She thinks that she'll get her new man and the the kids.There's absolutely no consequences at all.I think that I should give them another reason why I don't sleep at home because I do not want them to get in the middle of this mess.


A) Your kids are ALREADY in the middle of this mess. They already know something is wrong. So don't dream up 'reasons' to explain.

B) In fact, you moving out should ONLY be done if you take the kids with you. A better solution, if it came to 'moving' would be for HER to move out. She is the one pursuing another man, you are the one who is still loyal. 

C) As for 'no' consequences - first, keep in mind that you do not assign consequences as punishment. That will do one thing only: destroy your marriage. That is all. You must allow her to face the consequences of her actions, these things naturally occur in response to a previous action. 

D) By NOT allowing her to face these consequences, you enable her affair.

E) There are specific steps that are designed to bring an affair to light, remove it's appeal, and create a desire to return to the marriage.

F) You cannot stop with just a return to the marriage, however. If that is all you do, you will still be facing the exact environment in which your spouse felt that an affair was the solution. Instead, you need to work at getting rid of the problems, and work on new ways of dealing with problems as they occur.

Your wife gave you at least one of the problems: 



> To make this short, *she told the reason was because she wanted someone to talk to, the guy was nice to her. She told me that I do not do anything with her*. I said to myself that Is that a reason to cheat on your spouse. Are there any justification for cheating?.Never cheated on my wife, never would, never thought there was a justification for it.


Answers to your questions: 

"Is that a reason to cheat on your spouse?" 

_Yes, it's a reason._

"Are there any justifications for cheating?"

_There are dozens of justifications._ These threads are _full_ of people justifying all _sorts_ of actions.

My point? You asked the wrong questions! Try this: "Is it right to cheat on your husband?" "Why would you think it was necessary to cheat on your husband?"



> We're going to counseling, but I feel worse each time I go. I feel like I am being blame for her cheating on me.It seems like the counselor wants to talk about what I am not giving my wife but never address my wife's infidelity.


I _seriously_ doubt the counselor has made any hint at you being to blame for your wife's infidelity. I would imagine that what is really going on is that the counselor is trying to get you to see that if you do not get involved in this situation, no marriage is possible. 

It seems to me that the reason you feel worse each time you go to counseling (which you defined as "...never addressing your wife's infidelity...") is because your desire is to use the counselor as a judge, juror and executioner, rather than someone who wants to help you get your marriage on track. 

_Your wife's infidelity IS being addressed_ (and correctly, from what I can tell). _That's the reason you are there,_ is it not? It's the fact behind the whole process! 

If you desire your marriage at all, you will investigate with all care, love, and intensity what created the environment in which your wife felt the need to stray. And once that is identified (again, your wife has already pointed at least two areas where there were problems) then you will be able to fix it. After that, your wife will be the first one to acknowledge her guilt. 

You punishing her for angering you is not even close to the cure.

Now, are you willing to work at repairing and improving your marriage, or are you just looking for ways to inflict pain on your wife because she hurt you? Which approach is the mature, adult one, and which is the childish, uncaring one?

If so, start taking the steps necessary and quit looking for some way to hurt your wife back for all the pain she caused you. Over time, if your marriage survives, she will make it up to you tenfold.

----------------
Now playing: The Marshall Tucker Band - Windy City Blues
via FoxyTunes


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## Lex (Apr 12, 2010)

Tanelornpete said:


> A) Your kids are ALREADY in the middle of this mess. They already know something is wrong. So don't dream up 'reasons' to explain.
> 
> B) In fact, you moving out should ONLY be done if you take the kids with you. A better solution, if it came to 'moving' would be for HER to move out. She is the one pursuing another man, you are the one who is still loyal.
> 
> ...



Thank you!


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

> Thank you!


I really hope there's some use you can make of that!! (There is hope for your marriage...)


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## Lex (Apr 12, 2010)

Tanelornpete said:


> I really hope there's some use you can make of that!! (There is hope for your marriage...)



your previous post makes a lot of sense.I really appreciate it.


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