# I just found out my husband cheated on me 10 years ago..it feels like yesterday.



## Peace2000 (Oct 27, 2010)

My husband and I have been married for 12 years. When we had been married for 2 years he walked out on me and our 13 month old daughter. He was gone for 2 months. I died inside. It was devastating. I begged him to come home. He was so mean to me and would tell me that he didn't love me anymore and he just wasn't happy. After 2 months he wanted to come back home. I was over the moon! We have had many many arguments and talks about why he left and what he did while he was gone. All he would ever tell me was that he was just being stupid and he doesn't know why he left. This has ALWAYS bothered me. It took years for me to believe he wasn't going to leave me again. It was a very long and painful process. The not knowing. I had heard rumors that he had sex with this one particular girl. I didn't want to believe it and I could always talk myself out of it because I didn't have any proof.

Friday night I found out from my best friend, who is about to marry his friend that he was hanging out with back then, told me she found out the truth about what happened back then. She said her fiance told her that back then, him and my husband were doing a lot of Cocaine and pills and he was having sex with that girl. When I got home I told him what I had been told. He just sat there. I knew it was true then. It was the first time in 10 years that he hasn't denied it. He told me that they would get messed up and have sex, that he would call her to meet up and have sex, they got a hotel room together. He also had sex with her at the same place he and I had sex at for the first time. And I found out through FB that now she lives where we went on our Honeymoon. I can't get the pictures of them having sex out of my head. Im so sick. My heart hurts so bad. I don't know what to do. I love him and I don't want to leave him. I want to make it work. I just don't know what to do with all these emotions Im feeling over something that happened 10 years ago. But he has lied to me about it for the past 10 years. I always knew in my heart, but it's totally different when he says it to my face. He's very sorry for everything and he has cried with me and held me and he says his heart hurts and he can't believe he has put me through this. I know he loves me now. I just don't know how to deal with this.


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## reset button (Mar 14, 2012)

First.. so sorry to hear I am SOOO sorry.

I have never been in your situation, but was cheated on by a selfish ex fiance. It hurts. ALOT.

IMO Marriage counseling for both of you... he also needs to go total transparency so you can get past it.

If he is committed to reconcile and you have not suspected him of cheating over the last 10 years.. I am hopeful for you that you can work through it.

Seriously I am tearing up typing it...unless you have experienced it, you can't understand how crushing infidelity is.

Good Luck, take care of yourself.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

I know how it hurts. Sorry dear. 

Consult your doctor.

Is he feeling bad about it?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I sort of know how you feel - I found out 5 months after the fact my hubby had been with a hooker. He had 5 months to process it, but when I found out it was just like he'd just done it. But not. Because in the meantime, you've invested all this time in working on things and we'd been doing SO well and I didn't want to just throw that away. But at the same time, he lied right to my face about it for that long, so why should I believe anything he says??

It's a horrible place to be and I am so sorry you're there.

I would be demanding whatever proof he might be able to provide at this point that that is all he's done over the years, and all he's lied about. Maybe do the polygraph thing, or at least tell him you want one, and see what he says.


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## mestalla guy (Mar 20, 2012)

its a tough one, because it happened so long ago and he does seem to feel sorry for his actions. Dosnt make it any easier for you though. Its up to you really, can you forgive him and move on with your lives? or will this eat away at you.


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## Peace2000 (Oct 27, 2010)

Thanks for all the replies! He is VERY sorry for what he has done and put me through. He said his biggest regret other than going that far is not telling me then, when it happened. He has cried and apologized and answered all my questions. He said the reason he didn't deny it this time is because he wants to do right by me and doesn't want to lie to me anymore. He said he wants to be a better man for me and our daughter. We are 31 and 32. We grew up together. We've been married since we were 19 and 20. We were best friends in middle school. He's always been in my life. This did happen 10 years ago and I can't throw away everything we've built together. I always had a feeling this happened and I delt with it the best I could without knowing for sure.He said he couldn't bring himself to tell me the truth because he knew how bad it was going to hurt me and didn't want to hurt me or lose me. He also said that he is sorry that he was selfish and didn't give me the chance to make the decission I would've made if I had known the truth back then. He can't eat, his heart hurts, he feels terrible and I know that. Now that I know for sure, I'm hoping I can digest the truth, accept that it was 10 years ago, he was young and stupid, he came back home to me and I know he truely loves me, and move on. And have an even stronger relationship because the truth is finally out. It's just getting there. Im constantly imagining him and her having hot wild sex, getting all sweaty and taking a shower together, (he says that didn't happen but I don't believe him) him leading her to the bedroom, kissing her, them being naked together and being playful together and laughing together. Him looking into her eyes and never thinking about me once. Sometimes it's just too much. And I picture him the way he looks now. He is very handsome and back then he had a gotee, now he has a beard. So I picture him with his beard and the way he looks now. I don't know how to stop doing that.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Peace2000 said:


> (he says that didn't happen but I don't believe him) .


Peace, I am sorry for what you are going through.

Trust issues are so important, and the fact that you don't believe what he told you is to me an indication of an issue you will have to resolve. Of course you have all kinds of doubts right now about everything. It is normal given what you have found out. Though my situation is quite different than yours, for 6 months I didn't even know what was real. I replayed our entire marriage in my mind looking for clues and contradictions.

You suspected but now you know. So that is good because you can deal with the reality rather than having nagging doubts in the back of your mind. He has been a good husband for the last decade, and he is according to you answering all of your questions and saying all the right things about wanting to be a better husband and how he has felt so terrible for so long about the affair and not telling you sooner.

A book which gets recommended a lot and which I really like is "After the Affair" by Janis Spring and Michael Spring. It can help both of you understand what both of you are going through right now.

Good marriage therapy or even individual therapy could be a big help in getting over this so you can rebuild a great marriage. You can learn to trust him again. I think some outside guidance from a therapist can be very helpful in getting there.

From what you have written, it seems to me that things can really be good for you. Contrary to most stories on this forum, it is really a relief to see a situation where the marriage and family have all the right ingredients to pull out of this mess to become a success.

Best of luck to you both.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Peace. Peace. Peace to you.

I think you should now give a try to R, as he has been remorseful.

However, keep a tab. He is handsome, (Very?), there are many girls out there.

Take care, good lucks.

Peace to you.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

It was a decade ago!!!! A decade 13% of Ur life  he obviously didn't tell for obvious reasons!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hisfac (Feb 10, 2012)

Pros: He's truly remorseful (or so it seems). Unlikely he'd ever cheat again.

Cons: He's been dishonest with you for over a decade. A good chunk of your marriage has been a lie. You can't get the images out of your head. 

I guess you'll have to do therapy and see if you can get past it, one things for sure it's never going to be the same as it was before you found out about the affair, it's going to come down to whether or not you can settle for whatever it is you have left.

The other problems I see is the history of the drugs and his ability to lie for so long, that just doesn't speak very positively about him and his character, although perhaps he's really changed over the years.


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## gofish (Mar 16, 2012)

I too am sorry to hear of what you've gone through, Peace, but I agree with everyone else, that you can mend your marriage and move forward in your relationship together. That doesn't mean it won't take work for both of you, though. 

I also agree with hisfac, Thor, and reset button who mentioned counseling. Having an objective 3rd party can really help you both work through the baggage that comes along with this kind of issue. If you're not sure where to start, you can talk to a counselor for free through Focus on the Family's website. In working with Focus, I have seen alot of people find help through both counseling and their website. Maybe they will help you, too?

And it's totally understandable that this hurts you so much, even though it did occur ten years ago. You're processing it now, and your grief is fresh and real. I am just encouraged to hear that you and he are both so willing to work together to find healing and hope for your marriage. I will be praying for you!

Take care of yourself, and remember, it takes time to heal. God bless!


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

The fact you found out now is just as bad or worse than if you found out ten years ago. He has lied to you every day of your marriage since his affair ended. He could have made many choices then and now the most important being him telling you the truth before you found out. In short your marriage has been one long lie, sorry there is no other way to say this.

The question is what to do? I assume you still wish to remain married and are looking for a way forward.

Let him know he has to answer any question you ask, no matter how many times you ask.

He identifies items he wore, gifts etc and disposes of them.

He hand writes a letter of apology to you therein he expresses what he is going to do to ensure your marriage is secure and how he is going to evidence his love for you.

You have been living with the suspicion that something was wrong and if he is truly remorseful not only about the affair but how he has allowed his lie to hurt you he should have no issue "moving mountains" to evidence his commitment.

I suggest IC for you first, and when you are ready insist he goes as well. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

I am inclinded to think he should own up to his adultery and lies to both your parents and his with you present. This is to help you heal so you don't feel the need to bottle it up inside and allows you the freedom to talk to someone close to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Peace2000 (Oct 27, 2010)

Thank you all for your encouraging words. I'm so sad right now. He keeps telling me he wasn't atttracted to her that "it" was just there. And he wasn't trying to pleasure her, it was more about what he wanted. That makes me just sick. I've called a marriage counsler but I've left 2 messages and she hasn't returned my call. I feel so crazy. I'll be ok one minute and mess the next minute. We usually have sex once a week but since I found this out we've had sex everynight for the past 5 nights. But when it's over I feel so sad. I feel like everything he just did with me, he did with her. And Im having such a hard time putting 10 years between when it happened and now. It feels like it just happened. When I look in his eyes all I can think is that his eyes saw her naked body up close. His mouth was all over her, his hands were all over her, he put himself inside her! That's disgusting!!!!!!! And when every they were in the same room with a group of people. They knew they were going to have sex later on. And she was 19 and he was 22 and I just know she dropped everything she was doing everytime he called her to come meet to have sex. I know she had the time of her life with my husband. I do not know how to move on from this. Im just dying inside all over again. And omg the songs on the radio are killing me!!!!!


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

At this moment you don't need MC , you require individual counciling for yourself. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Peace2000 (Oct 27, 2010)

Eli-Zor. Thank you! I've never done this before so I really wasnt sure what I needed.


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## Peace2000 (Oct 27, 2010)

Part of me feels like I'm over reacting because it WAS 10 years ago. But he's lied to me about it for the past 10 years. I go from sad to mad and Im mad right now!


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## Peace2000 (Oct 27, 2010)

I keep asking questions that I probably don't need to know the answer to, but I can't help myself. I've waited for 10 years to know the truth and I want to know the whole truth. I asked him when he says he met her somewhere to have sex, where did hid meet her. He told me they went to a dead end road on the other side of town and he had sex with her outside the car. He also told me that he is the one that got the room just to have sex with her for a while. Then he left. Im so sick. I don't know how to get over this. He said he's just waiting on me to tell him to leave. And that he doesn't know how I'm ever going to get past this. I don't know how Im going to either. What if i can't?


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## FormerNiceGuy (Feb 13, 2012)

Peace2000 said:


> I don't know how to get over this. He said he's just waiting on me to tell him to leave. And that he doesn't know how I'm ever going to get past this. I don't know how Im going to either. What if i can't?


This is hard, but you will get past it. Your marriage may or may not survive it - only time will tell.

1. Go with the feelings. You were betrayed and you have a right to be upset. Let it all hang out because stuffing them won't do you any good. If you want the details, get them all. 

2. Exercise, get plenty of rest and eat well. 

3. Resolve that you will not make any decisions for some set period of time - 90 days or so. Tell your husband that you won't make and won't accept any threats about ending the marriage.

4. Your husband made a bad decision. This doesn't make him a bad person. 

I suspect he hasn't totally worked through the issues that led him to substance abuse and the affair ten years ago. Why? Because if he had, he would own the mistake, explain to you why it happened and then support your process. He would accept your decision, but work his touche off to win you back. He would be strong, demonstrative and respectful. He would be there for himself (or turn to outside healthy support) and not deflect attention from your pain by crying or carrying on about the mistake. Is this him? If not, he needs to get IC to work on his stuff.

5. If you take yourself back 10 years, why did you tolerate the substance abuse etc.? Were you scared to confront him? Were you abusing too? All these behaviors look unhealthy from my vantage point (limited info) and point to low self-esteem. Get yourself in IC.

In "The Road Less Traveled", Scott Peck talks about keeping your side of the street clean. Your husband screwed up big time. Can you get over it? Yes. Start by cleaning up your side of the street. We are usually only as healthy as our partners.

Hang in there.....


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## Peace2000 (Oct 27, 2010)

I was not abusing drugs 10 years ago. I had NO idea he was either. He worked 3rd so we were on different schedulas and I never imagined he would abuse cocaine and pills like that. I've asked him why he did that. He said he started messing with it at work. He worked at a carpet plant. He said he left because he didn't want to hid it anymore and he didn't want me and our daughter around it. But why did he let himself have sex. If he wanted to get messed up, go get messed up. But he wanted to have sex with someone other than me. Now, even though it's been 1o years, I feel like I'm not attractive enough for him. I've gained weight and am in the process of losing it but Im not comfortable being naked infront of him. Now all I can think is that she was naked in front of him and he liked what he saw. He doesn't get to see that when he looks at me


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## Squiffy (Oct 26, 2010)

Peace, I can absolutely relate to how badly you can feel about an affair that happened a long time ago, in some ways it feels even worse than a recent one because of the length of the betrayal.

A year ago my husband's confessed to an affair with a work colleague, which totally devastated me. I kept asking if there was anything else I should know and he eventually confessed to a brief affair with a mutual friend of ours about 8 years previously, and also to using marijuana on almost a daily basis over the past few years - no idea how I never noticed this. In some ways the confession of the old affair (and drugs) hurt more, because I realised that for the past 8 years he has been living a lie, and I have been deceived for a long time. He also said they 'just had sex 3 times' as if that was supposed to make me feel better!!!??

Now, a year after D-day, I think I still feel more uncomfortable about the earlier affair than the recent one. I can't understand how someone can deceive someone for such a long time, wouldn't it just eat them up inside?


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Peace2000 said:


> Now, even though it's been 1o years, I feel like I'm not attractive enough for him. I've gained weight and am in the process of losing it but Im not comfortable being naked infront of him. Now all I can think is that she was naked in front of him and he liked what he saw. He doesn't get to see that when he looks at me


Don't compare yourself to OW. She was not reality, she was a two dimensional fantasy to your husband. You can never live up to what you imagine in your mind she was to your husband, yet you are so much more to him than she ever was, as evidenced by him being married to you all these years since.

I think you should take what he says at face value about how he feels about you now, and you should not compare yourself physically to OW. Especially since it was 10 years ago. Even OW's body can't compare to what it was back then.


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## Peace2000 (Oct 27, 2010)

Well, It's Monday. I've had another weekend to let it all sink in. My husband and I have had many long talks about what happened and why it happened. We've both talked alot about how we feel and what we want out of our marriage in the future. Im so thankful that we are both on the same page. He has answered every one of my questions, more than once sometimes, and he is being very patient and loving. Because it did happen so long ago, and he has been a good husband and father for the past 10 years, it's getting a little easier to cope with. Im still, of course, having the terrible visons and hearing terrible things in my head, but my heart feels better than it did last week. It doesn't feel quite so heavy. Im still very hurt, and mad at times, but Im working through it. 
Our 12th anniversary is coming up on April 8. He says he's planning something extra special. He wants to do the work it's going to take to make this up to me. Thank you all for your words and for taking the time to ready my story. It really does help to know you aren't alone!!!!


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## Humble Pie (Feb 28, 2012)

Peace2000 said:


> My husband and I have been married for 12 years. When we had been married for 2 years he walked out on me and our 13 month old daughter. He was gone for 2 months. I died inside. It was devastating. I begged him to come home. He was so mean to me and would tell me that he didn't love me anymore and he just wasn't happy. After 2 months he wanted to come back home. I was over the moon! We have had many many arguments and talks about why he left and what he did while he was gone. All he would ever tell me was that he was just being stupid and he doesn't know why he left. This has ALWAYS bothered me. It took years for me to believe he wasn't going to leave me again. It was a very long and painful process. The not knowing. I had heard rumors that he had sex with this one particular girl. I didn't want to believe it and I could always talk myself out of it because I didn't have any proof.
> 
> Friday night I found out from my best friend, who is about to marry his friend that he was hanging out with back then, told me she found out the truth about what happened back then. She said her fiance told her that back then, him and my husband were doing a lot of Cocaine and pills and he was having sex with that girl. When I got home I told him what I had been told. He just sat there. I knew it was true then. It was the first time in 10 years that he hasn't denied it. He told me that they would get messed up and have sex, that he would call her to meet up and have sex, they got a hotel room together. He also had sex with her at the same place he and I had sex at for the first time. And I found out through FB that now she lives where we went on our Honeymoon. I can't get the pictures of them having sex out of my head. Im so sick. My heart hurts so bad. I don't know what to do. I love him and I don't want to leave him. I want to make it work. I just don't know what to do with all these emotions Im feeling over something that happened 10 years ago. But he has lied to me about it for the past 10 years. I always knew in my heart, but it's totally different when he says it to my face. He's very sorry for everything and he has cried with me and held me and he says his heart hurts and he can't believe he has put me through this. I know he loves me now. I just don't know how to deal with this.


I am not excusing your husband here (at least not trying) but this was 10 years ago... what has been his behavior in the last 10 years? Has there been any issues with him lying or cheating?

Your husband seems to me like he was getting his last bit of childish behavior out of himself before he realized what was important and came home to stay with his family. Be thankful for that (I am sure you are).

But your concern and post is about the lie he carried on for 10 yrs isnt it... he has finally confessed and talked intimately with you regarding his action showing total remorse for actions/hiding it for so long. What more can you really do?

How much more do you really want to dig into this which happened so long ago. Again, if there have been no issue regarding any similar behavior that is proof he inside himself was remorseful and he made the right decisions by himself.


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

Peace2000 said:


> Part of me feels like I'm over reacting because it WAS 10 years ago. But he's lied to me about it for the past 10 years. I go from sad to mad and Im mad right now!


no your not overreacting cheating is cheating and shows corruption on all levels. 

Take it from me i am a family lawyer i have done many many divorce cases. You have no idea how often a wife comes in and wants to file for divorce cause of infidelity or some sort of abuse. Really the amount of times a wife has come in and filed for divorce cause hubby is cheating is insane. Oh and btw most of the time wife comes forward and says "husband is still cheating i thought he was done with it he swore it was the last time he promised and cried i forgave him but he cheated again or he cheated ___ times"

Long story short most evidence suggests that a cheater will cheat again. I think 9/10 times the person who cheat's will cheat again. I wish you best of luck and hopefully your husband is different than the rest of people who cheat in that he wont do it again. Anyhow best of luck


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