# My marriage is hanging on a tiny string and I’m to blame



## coolmama11 (Jun 2, 2020)

I don’t want to go into details but my marriage is crumbling and it’s because of me. I have major trust issues and can’t get a grip on things right now. I’m in counciling and trying but my insecurities always take over. 

My husband and I got into a fight this afternoon and he left for the night, blocked me and said “I love you so much, don’t want a divorce but you are making me misrrsble” 

Please try not to judge me because this is not the whole story but he friend requested some hot 20 something year old who lives right next to where he works. He said he was just being “friendly”. I got a little upset but I got over it but he said he can’t take my jealousy and insecurities anymore. 

He really is the love of my life, best friend and father to my little boy. 

What do I do or say?


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Ok what he did is not ok. He doesn't need to friend request the hod 20 something. He doesn't need to be friendly with someone obviously not a friend to you both or your marriage.

This doesn't sound like random jealousy it sounds like gaslighting.


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## coolmama11 (Jun 2, 2020)

Anastasia6 said:


> Ok what he did is not ok. He doesn't need to friend request the hod 20 something. He doesn't need to be friendly with someone obviously not a friend to you both or your marriage.
> 
> This doesn't sound like random jealousy it sounds like gaslighting.


My husband isn’t the cheating type though and he is very loyal. He says he loves me, my kids and our son more than any girl. He said she friend requested him but he was weird about it.


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## coolmama11 (Jun 2, 2020)

I don’t know what to believe. Why would she friend request him and not just tell me the truth right away...he skirted around the subject. He deleted her right away and said she didn’t matter.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

coolmama11 said:


> My husband isn’t the cheating type though and he is very loyal. He says he loves me, my kids and our son more than any girl. He said she friend requested him but he was weird about it.


Says every person before they find out their loyal spouse is cheating.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

He likes the attention and may not even have cheating in mind right now but this is how it starts. Men get flattered when a young girl pays attention. 
So why would he need a 20 something friend?


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

So do you have a history on illegitimate jealous reactions or is this the first one? 
And if there is history what did those situations involve?


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

How old is he? How old are you? How long have you been married? How did you meet? Was he with someone when you met him?


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## coolmama11 (Jun 2, 2020)

Anastasia6 said:


> How old is he? How old are you? How long have you been married? How did you meet? Was he with someone when you met him?


I’m 35, he is 37. We met through a mutual friend and he wasn’t seeing anyone when I met him. He really isn’t the cheating type. He just texted me he is on his way home from his friends who I know and he loves me.


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## coolmama11 (Jun 2, 2020)

coolmama11 said:


> I’m 35, he is 37. We met through a mutual friend and he wasn’t seeing anyone when I met him. He really isn’t the cheating type. He just texted me he is on his way home from his friends who I know and he loves me.


We have been married 3 years


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## coolmama11 (Jun 2, 2020)

Anastasia6 said:


> So do you have a history on illegitimate jealous reactions or is this the first one?
> And if there is history what did those situations involve?


He is home almost every night and when he is not I know where he is and let’s me have access to his phone. He isn’t secretive


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

Anastasia6 said:


> So do you have a history on illegitimate jealous reactions or is this the first one?
> And if there is history what did those situations involve?


Read her other threads.

CoolMama, if your counselling isn't working, try another person.


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## coolmama11 (Jun 2, 2020)

OnTheFly said:


> Read her other threads.
> 
> CoolMama, if your counselling isn't working, try another person.


I am looking into it


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He knows how you feel about the neighbor he notices so he decides to friend request some random girl? And thought you wouldn’t have a problem with that? No.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

The point is that you have insecurity issues and he’s well aware of them. So why would he decide to friend request this girl?


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

I'm not saying this is right, but sometimes when someone is constantly treated as if they are breaking a rule...they end up breaking that rule because why not? If you're gonna treat me like I'm a cheater, I might as well get the perks of being a cheater. 

Your jealousy is pushing him away...he's told you this over and over.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

What he's done is not ok. Very inappropriate, regardless of your insecurities. I don't know many women who would be ok with that.

It does NOT mean he's cheating with her - I want to be very clear about that. He's probably liking her photos (which is bad enough imo).

I'm surprised he would do this, given what's already gone on.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

notmyjamie said:


> I'm not saying this is right, but sometimes when someone is constantly treated as if they are breaking a rule...they end up breaking that rule because why not? If you're gonna treat me like I'm a cheater, I might as well get the perks of being a cheater.
> 
> Your jealousy is pushing him away...he's told you this over and over.


A brave post.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

Why do you feel so insecure about yourself? 

Have your previous relationships been the same way? 

What happened between the father of your older children and you?

Your insecurities and paranoia are going to destroy your marriage.


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## coolmama11 (Jun 2, 2020)

pastasauce79 said:


> Why do you feel so insecure about yourself?
> 
> Have your previous relationships been the same way?
> 
> ...


I’m not ok. My marriage and life are gone a
Nd I’m not sure what to do


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

coolmama11 said:


> I’m not ok. My marriage and life are gone a
> Nd I’m not sure what to do


Your marriage isn't gone honey, but it IS hanging by a thread. I am honestly struggling to understand what motivated your husband to do this, given both how inappropriate it is and how fragile your marriage is right now.

Is he home yet? How are things now?

You NEED to get a handle on this, and make an appointment with your doctor asap to get some short acting anti anxiety meds to help you keep your thoughts under control. This is a must.

And for what it's worth, hubby needs a slap upside the head for being so damn dumb.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Even if your marriage is gone (and hopefully it isn’t), your life most certainly isn’t.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@coolmama11,

I want to share with you a story someone wrote about being in a jealous relationship. This person is writing what your husband feels like:

"Jealousy is powerful. It destroys relationships and makes good, well-meaning people act in ways they never imagined. I was in a relationship where the warning signs were present, but I excused them all away as my phone and bags were subject to searches, and I had to “check-in” constantly, even at work. When I tried to spend time with friends, I’d get irritated texts and phone calls insisting I come back, and if I did, I’d be questioned about everything that happened until whatever I did “wrong” was discovered, and I’d be punished.

That was just the beginning. When it came out that I had a friend at work, I was required to “break off” the friendship, along with many others I cared about. Tiny things, like a cashier being “too friendly” with me, were blown out of proportion, and my ex would berate them for flirting with me before storming out, leaving me alone to pay and deal with the scene. I was required to destroy mementos from previous relationships, including prom photos, and my clothing and behavior were under constant suspicious scrutiny. I felt like property and like I had to walk on pins and needles.

Yet my ex was so loving at times, surprising me with notes and gifts or lavishing me in compliments and affection whenever we were out in public, but that was also when my ex would decide what I’d eat or would chauffeur for me to/from work. I thought it was old-fashioned and sweet. Eventually, things became so controlling that after screaming matches, I’d have to read my diary aloud so my ex could monitor what I wrote and was thinking. I was always being told I remembered things wrong or was lying about them. I was called “unstable” and “pathetic” after being clinically diagnosed with depression. I’d go days without eating and get accused of losing weight for another person when the truth was, I was just miserable. My words got minced and twisted around, and I’d get questioned so intensely about everything I did- right down to why I changed soaps or was showering at a different time- it was easier to hide and cry myself to sleep, praying I wouldn’t wake up than to live my life. 


> As it continued to escalate from there, I began to blame myself. I thought I deserved any ill-treatment directed toward me.


Often I wanted to leave but stayed because I had become convinced I was worthless. That no one else could ever truly love a screw up like me. My ex was so kind and charismatic with everyone else, I believed everything that started happening behind closed doors was 100% my fault.

I used to think that intense jealousy came from a place of love. And because I was so eager to please and atone, I indulged the unhealthy behavior, not realizing how destructive it was for both of us. Good people can find themselves in bad situations that spiral out of control. If you’re in a relationship where red flags are present, please don’t ignore them. I’m sharing my story in hopes of showing you that you’re not alone, and it does get better. You also aren’t worthless, crazy, or to blame."

I share this with you in hopes that you'll understand what life is like in his shoes. It may not be EXACTLY like that for him, but I bet he feels some similarities! And this is why it is so very important for you to continue in therapy to address your jealousy issues. 

Now, in my neighborhood, there is a lady kind of close to our age who wears clothes that are WAY too tight and WAY too revealing. She thinks she's the hot girl on the block. But in real life, I don't sit at home and worry about my man wanting her (because I've had kids and I'm a little hobbity looking), but I know I offer him good love and I know him. He's a good man and he wouldn't act like that. And if some female human asked to be his friend on FB, I don't care. She doesn't live here and he doesn't want her. He wants me because I treat him with the love and respect that makes him feel good.

@coolmama11 one thing you need to learn is to love yourself. Another is to know your man. And still another is that just because you "feel" an emotion (jealousy) that doesn't mean you have to act on it. Learn some CBT techniques to deal with the jealous emotion you feel. Here is a link with 3 techniques you can try right now: 3 Relationship-Reinforcing CBT Techniques for Jealousy


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

SunCMars said:


> A brave post.


I certainly don't say it to be mean. But she needs to do something to curb this jealousy. She's been advised over and over in previous posts to get some more or different help. As I said before, it sounds like some form of post partum depression. OP, have you called your OB doctor about it and let him/her know that the current meds and therapy are not working?

Aside from that, you need to sit down with your husband and discuss it. Is he friending this woman as a "screw you" to you because of how you've treated him? Maybe, maybe not. But you need to discuss it with him and get things under control, which doesn't mean accusing him every day of being a horrible husband. That's got to be wearing him down a lot. Maybe have him come to one of your therapy appointments so your therapist can talk to him about it and he can understand what is going on with you and learn better ways to reassure you. Again, if his actions were a "well, if she's gonna treat me that way I might as well do it" that can be addressed in the therapy session also because that is the absolute worst way he can deal with it.

Again, I wish you luck.


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## coolmama11 (Jun 2, 2020)

Affaircare said:


> @coolmama11,
> 
> I want to share with you a story someone wrote about being in a jealous relationship. This person is writing what your husband feels like:
> 
> ...


Thank you. I’m not ok this morning. I have pushed my marriage to its breaking point and I’m so done I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel so mentally ill at Times and my brain is so messed up I can’t function. I love my husband more than anything on the earth and I just want to change.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

coolmama11 said:


> Thank you. I’m not ok this morning. I have pushed my marriage to its breaking point and I’m so done I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel so mentally ill at Times and my brain is so messed up I can’t function. I love my husband more than anything on the earth and I just want to change.


What have you done to try to fix yourself? By that I mean, have you talked to your doctors about how your medications are not working? There are tons of medications on the market, if this one is not helping they can try others. Have you tried a different therapist? YOU are in control of trying to change but you need to act on that.


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## coolmama11 (Jun 2, 2020)

notmyjamie said:


> What have you done to try to fix yourself? By that I mean, have you talked to your doctors about how your medications are not working? There are tons of medications on the market, if this one is not helping they can try others. Have you tried a different therapist? YOU are in control of trying to change but you need to act on that.


I’m on buspar and this is the second I have tried. I hate that I have this stupid mental illness. I don’t understand myself and I’m confused.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I think it really might help to bring your husband to one of your therapy sessions so your illness can be explained to him and he can be given some pointers on healthy ways to deal with it that make him not feel so attacked and you feel less anxious about things.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Yuo migh also use therapy session with your husband to establish some kinds of boundaries. You are maybe overly jealous, but he is aware of it and still befriends 20 year old something, knowing this will upset you. For what? If he wants this marriage to continue, he needs to pull his weight too and stop giving you moments like this.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

WandaJ said:


> Yuo migh also use therapy session with your husband to establish some kinds of boundaries. You are maybe overly jealous, but he is aware of it and still befriends 20 year old something, knowing this will upset you. For what? If he wants this marriage to continue, he needs to pull his weight too and stop giving you moments like this.


Exactly.

Some might be okay with their spouse friending some hot random but he knows very well about your jealousy issues. And he still did it. No.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

notmyjamie said:


> I'm not saying this is right, but sometimes when someone is constantly treated as if they are breaking a rule...they end up breaking that rule because why not? If you're gonna treat me like I'm a cheater, I might as well get the perks of being a cheater.
> 
> Your jealousy is pushing him away...he's told you this over and over.


Exactly. Typical self-fulfilling prophecy.
OP should google this and read up on it.
Not to excuse what Hubby did, because what he did was disrespectful.
He basically fed the proverbial "Monkey on your back" and made the situation worse.
However, in all fairness, you probably indirectly drove him to do it.
You need to get in some intensive therapy, and aggressively need to work on being better medicated.
Sounds like he is not going to take much more.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

what if we all are wrong? what if he does behave in the way that may cause OP to get paranoid? The way she presents those things is always "I exagerrated, it is my fault, he loves me and I am driving him away". What if there are reasons for her and he is gaslighting her? He did run to fix power by the sexy neighbor house our of his own initiative, he befriends twenty years olds. There are probably more things like this.

Or maybe there was nothing there, but with time, with OP anxiety growing and her acting out, he might have started looking, just to get break.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Coolmama, you need to talk with your H about this.
He KNOWS about your insecurities, so honestly he should NOT be friending women or hanging out with them.
If he really loves you, HE should be creating this boundary for HIMSELF to protect you and your marriage -- marriage guarding.
HE feels that he is innocent here because in his head HE KNOWS he wouldn't do anything. What hes doesn't think about is that with things "not going well" between you, a sympathetic ear can be VERY seductive and before he knows it, he could be in an EA or worse.

BUT, HE NEEDS to make YOU comfortable in your marriage, and if that means he has to make sure he doesn't do this with women, then he needs to make that step. He should do that willingly.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

One other thing -- jealousy not only destroys the person you are jealous OF, it is also a type of self-torture. The person who is jealous really is torturing themselves with these off-the-hook thoughts and feelings.
That is no way to live. 
Coolmama, you need to find a better therapist, and if the meds you are on now are not helping, try something else.
SOME anti-depressants REALLY affect thinking and could be adding to the jealousy. Bring this stuff up to your Doctor also about how it may be adversely affecting your thought processes.


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## Oldtimer (May 25, 2018)

Coolmama, have you sat down with him, not in an angry phase, but just a sit down and let him know how his actions are affecting you? If you have any he’s not being considerate and then the problem is his. Your actions and feelings are a manifestation of that problem. 

I don’t believe your marriage is done as you say you both love each other, but yes the anger at his actions will push you further apart. He should stop the bs of doing things like accepting friends on fb and other forms of social media, not all friends, but why a hot 20 something who he seemingly friended out of the blue.

I think counseling as a couple would help immensely to ease your mind as well as letting him know the parameters that you accept. Just so you know, I have hot 20 something friends on my social media, but there is no other reason than I have assisted them in issues that they have, my wife is knowledgeable of these issues and fully on board as she also has done counseling. ( we both have worked in this field for a number of years).

Buspar, wow, I was on Buspar once and took it for a total of two days, couldn’t handle the electric shock feeling and it made me more paranoid. Not saying it won’t work for you, just my experience with it.

i wish the best for you and your family and you both come to a positive conclusion.

OT


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## coolmama11 (Jun 2, 2020)

Oldtimer said:


> Coolmama, have you sat down with him, not in an angry phase, but just a sit down and let him know how his actions are affecting you? If you have any he’s not being considerate and then the problem is his. Your actions and feelings are
> I don’t believe your marriage is done as you say you both love each other, but yes the anger at his actions will push you further apart. He should stop the bs of doing things like accepting friends on fb and other forms of social media, not all friends, but why a hot 20 something who he seemingly friended out of the blue.
> 
> I think counseling as a couple would help immensely to ease your mind as well as letting him know the parameters that you accept. Just so you know, I have hot 20 something friends on my social media, but there is no other reason than I have assisted them in issues that they have, my wife is knowledgeable of these issues and fully on board as she also has done counseling. ( we both have worked in this field for a number of years).
> ...





coolmama11 said:


> I’m on buspar and this is the second I have tried. I hate that I have this stupid mental illness. I don’t understand myself and I’m confused.


Thank u!!! He said she lives right next to the place he works and her and her boyfriend walk over all the time to talk. She does have a boyfriend but that doesn’t mean much in today’s world. He said she him and her boyfriend would always chat. I thought buspar was working but I’m not sure it is.


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## coolmama11 (Jun 2, 2020)

WandaJ said:


> what if we all are wrong? what if he does behave in the way that may cause OP to get paranoid? The way she presents those things is always "I exagerrated, it is my fault, he loves me and I am driving him away". What if there are reasons for her and he is gaslighting her? He did run to fix power by the sexy neighbor house our of his own initiative, he befriends twenty years olds. There are probably more things like this.
> 
> Or maybe there was nothing there, but with time, with OP anxiety growing and her acting out, he might have started looking, just to get break.


My husband does love me and I don’t think he is doing it intentionally but he does gaslight me a little when I get upset about these things. He says I’m crazy and need to grow up. I wish I could paint a better picture of our marriage through words but we really do love each other. He has never cheated on anyone in his past and I’m actually friends with one of his ex’s and I know this. Plus all his friends say he is the most loyal guy and they aren’t as much so that is saying something. He did say this girl lived next to his work and she comes over with her boyfriend and asks questions and talks. It just felt weird to me. In my crazy head I’m like “is she outside all day and he sees her” then looked her up but he swears to me she added him so I guess I have to take his word for it. He did delete her. I just don’t want to be that controlling wife.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

It sounds more like the illness is controlling you.

I really hope you get this under control CM. Best wishes


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## MLAD (Sep 2, 2018)

Just the fact you take self-responsibility makes me think you will work it out. Wonderful to see so many women on here bucking up and looking themselves square in the face.

If I were a woman, I too would be insecure, about the 20yo thing. Just let it go. Maybe bring some humor into it. I think a lot of men buckle when a woman just sees all the BS in everything.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I believe you when you say it's mostly your insecurities, BUT him friend requesting hot anyone isn't okay! So admit you are insecure and you will work on it but that no matter how secure you get, it is not going to ever be okay he's friending hot women he can actually meet.


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## coolmama11 (Jun 2, 2020)

MLAD said:


> Just the fact you take self-responsibility makes me think you will work it out. Wonderful to see so many women on here bucking up and looking themselves square in the face.
> 
> If I were a woman, I too would be insecure, about the 20yo thing. Just let it go. Maybe bring some humor into it. I think a lot of men buckle when a woman just sees all the BS in everything.


Thank you! i do trust my husband though and i know he would never cheat on me. Esp all i put him through and he still tells me he loves me everyday. If he wanted to leave and be with someone else i know he would have done it a while ago but he sticks by me and fights for our marriage.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

coolmama11 said:


> Thank you! i do trust my husband though and i know he would never cheat on me. Esp all i put him through and he still tells me he loves me everyday. If he wanted to leave and be with someone else i know he would have done it a while ago but he sticks by me and fights for our marriage.


OK, so listen. Do you have it in you to get help and stick with it? Because while it is great that you acknowledge this, it would mean a LOT more to him if you got help for it. 

I was with a woman with mental health issue and it literally almost killed me. The stress of it caused a stroke, and after that I was just done. 

Do let your life go that way...


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

You can also tell him, What if the situation were reversed and I was friending a hot guy down the street? Make him see that this time it is a valid concern because the person is accessiable. You might even say, So then it's okay for me to do that; you don't mind if I start making friends with attractive men?


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

coolmama11 said:


> Thank you! i do trust my husband though and i know he would never cheat on me. Esp all i put him through and he still tells me he loves me everyday. If he wanted to leave and be with someone else i know he would have done it a while ago but he sticks by me and fights for our marriage.


Funny that you say he fights for the marriage, and yet YOU keep saying your marriage is over. Breathe. Now Breathe again. TALK with him. Don't yell or get nuts. Just say "Honey, with my anxieties, I would really appreciate it if YOU keep boundaries with other women and NOT do things like friend request/accept until I get this worked on more. I AM working on it, I Do love and trust you, but this is MY internal thing that I need to work on. You doing stuff like this just makes it so much harder for me to work through because it triggers the overpowering emotions"

If he loves you as you say, he will work with you on this.


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## aaarghdub (Jul 15, 2017)

I would argue that there is nothing nefarious going on with this 20-something. 20-somethings are all about social media and will friend-request even people they just met. I’m 46 and random people I’ve met once or twice send me friend requests. Younger people just don’t have the same social morays us older people do. Older people equate FB friends with real friends, younger people see it differently. This girl has a boyfriend, husband has no history of cheating, he deleted her, should be end of story.

What will happen is if the jealousy and outburst continue, he will seek a safe space AWAY from her jealousy and this is when he is primed for a EA. It is OPs mental illness that is creating the toxic environment but it will have to be a team effort to overcome it. I would advocate more vulnerability on OPs part and admit she needs his help too which would include being more involved in her treatment.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

coolmama11 said:


> My husband does love me and I don’t think he is doing it intentionally but he does gaslight me a little when I get upset about these things. He says I’m crazy and need to grow up. I wish I could paint a better picture of our marriage through words but we really do love each other. He has never cheated on anyone in his past and I’m actually friends with one of his ex’s and I know this. Plus all his friends say he is the most loyal guy and they aren’t as much so that is saying something. He did say this girl lived next to his work and she comes over with her boyfriend and asks questions and talks. It just felt weird to me. In my crazy head I’m like “is she outside all day and he sees her” then looked her up but he swears to me she added him so I guess I have to take his word for it. He did delete her. I just don’t want to be that controlling wife.


If i have someone send friend request that i dont know their name, i look them up to find a photo to see if i recognize them. However FB is not healthy for marriages. My wife and i have 1 acct. My first, her first and our last names. I do not add women unless they are mutual church family or personal family. She will not adf men unless the same. No past Ex's. Only classmates i add are male and only couple.


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