# How can I deal with hurt and unstick myself??



## LF_UK_27 (Nov 9, 2020)

Hi everyone, it's been helpful reading that I'm not the only one going through what I'm feeling. 

So, to cut a very long complex story short, I've been married for 3 years (together 7.5) and we've always seemed to struggle to maintain a decent sexual relationship. It's a combination of me possibly being on the asexual scale and her wanting more. 
Last year I found out after months of speculation that she had been seeing someone else behind my back and after confronting her she carried it on still thinking I wouldn't know again. This completely floored me. 
After hiding away from it all and trying to carry on a 'normal' marriage, I found out again yesterday that she has now being talking/seeing another person and overheard, yet again, sleazy things. The sense of betrayal and shadyness is overwhelming at times now. I found it very hard to trust her after the first time. I know she isn't a bad person in the slightest but it's awful what's happened. 

We talked before and sort of agreed we had more of a best friend relationship but never agreed to separate. We don't have a sexual relationship but still live together, kiss, cuddle, spend all our time together. It feels like I'm a filler til someone else comes along and she has admitted to seeking other things. And I feel like I'm stuck in a hole with no way up. 

There's more to the story but no one has that kind of time to read it all so I simplified it. 

Does anyone have any advice on how to stop thinking about what's happened or stop picturing her other life and hearing the hurtful things I've heard over and over in my head? 
Thanks for reading x


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

LF_UK_27 said:


> Does anyone have any advice on how to stop thinking about what's happened or stop picturing her other life and hearing the hurtful things I've heard over and over in my head?
> Thanks for reading x


Telling her to "**** off" and divorcing her will help you.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

LF_UK_27 said:


> Hi everyone, it's been helpful reading that I'm not the only one going through what I'm feeling.
> 
> So, to cut a very long complex story short, I've been married for 3 years (together 7.5) and we've always seemed to struggle to maintain a decent sexual relationship. It's a combination of me possibly being on the asexual scale and her wanting more.
> Last year I found out after months of speculation that she had been seeing someone else behind my back and after confronting her she carried it on still thinking I wouldn't know again. This completely floored me.
> ...


Your answer is time and removing yourself from the situation. This will never stop hurting as long as you are still living in it. 

You guys are incompatible. Stop trying to force a marriage that never should have happened in the first place. It's time for both of you to call it quits and move on.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Lets get the first part right first.

You have been together for 7.5 years and you are asexual. How did that 7.5 years work for her? What did she do for sex?
After being with an asexual person for 4.5 years and knowing that sex was off the table, she still went ahead and married you and stayed with you another 3 years.
Now you find that in years 2 and 3 of the 3 year marriage, she has been cheating to fulfil her sexual needs.

I am surprised it took her that long to cheat although you two should not have been married in the first place. What she should have done was divorce you first and then gone out with other men.

Now for the second part:
Why does she or would she want to stay with you? If its not sex then what? Money, financial support ? And if you do not want sex, why are you married to her?


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Personal said:


> Telling her to "**** off" and divorcing her will help you.


I missed the bit about you @LF_UK_27 being asexual. Given that, then it's hardly a surprise your wife has got sex elsewhere. At the end of the day I'm not sure why either of you bothered getting married to each other in the first place.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You’re not going to get over what you‘ve heard, etc. as long as you’re still with her.


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## LF_UK_27 (Nov 9, 2020)

manfromlamancha said:


> Lets get the first part right first.
> 
> You have been together for 7.5 years and you are asexual. How did that 7.5 years work for her? What did she do for sex?
> After being with an asexual person for 4.5 years and knowing that sex was off the table, she still went ahead and married you and stayed with you another 3 years.
> ...


To start with I never said I was totally asexual, just on the scale somewhere. I didn't even know what asexuallity was til recently. We still had a sexual relationship just we were on different sex drives. Sex was never off the table. 

We're not money orientated people. We don't share bank accounts or anything. We're together because we love each other. Yes our sex drives were different but we agreed to work on it over time, not just give up on us because of 1 thing. Marriage isn't solely about sex.


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## LF_UK_27 (Nov 9, 2020)

Personal said:


> I missed the bit about you @LF_UK_27 being asexual. Given that, then it's hardly a surprise your wife has got sex elsewhere. At the end of the day I'm not sure why either of you bothered getting married to each other in the first place.


Like I say, I'm on the asexual scale not full asexual, you can have different levels of desire. To be honest, telling me you're not surprised it's happened doesn't help me. In fact it's pointless telling me something that anyone in my position would be very aware of. 
We married each other because there's more to relationships than sex. Yes it's a big part but for us there was more to our relationship.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

LF_UK_27 said:


> To start with I never said I was totally asexual, just on the scale somewhere. I didn't even know what asexuallity was til recently. We still had a sexual relationship just we were on different sex drives. Sex was never off the table.
> 
> We're not money orientated people. We don't share bank accounts or anything. We're together because we love each other. Yes our sex drives were different but we agreed to work on it over time, not just give up on us because of 1 thing. Marriage isn't solely about sex.


So what do you want from this relationship? if you know that one day she will walk away are you okay with staying? are you okay with being plan b for the rest of your life, clearly she does not see you has a mate for life just a friend for life...


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

So LH you are ok with her going out and having sex with others -- so you basically want an open marriage where she can do whatever/whoever she wants?

IF you are ok with this, then the stuff you have overheard about sex with others shouldn't be bothering you.
IF you are NOT ok with this, then there really isn't any marriage as she didn't have the respect for your OR your marriage to NOT seek others behind your back. She has lied to you -- how can you trust her going forward?

You love each other -- but she only loves you like a friend (and a friend wouldn't cheat on you so.....), so why would you stay married?


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## LF_UK_27 (Nov 9, 2020)

Update on my original post. I probably didn't make it clear. 

We've agreed we're on a best friend level and that we can't really move forward or around it. As much as we don't want to lose each other out of our lives we know that it can't go on for the next 60 years like it so we know what to do. We will always be family to each other and I don't hate her one bit. Yes it's been very hard to have to go through it but I know deep down that the love is and always will be there. 

My post was about asking what people do as individuals to cope with separation and manage the feeling of hurt that comes with it. Do you distract yourself? Do you get back on the horse, so to speak? Is there a technique to it all? 
Thanks


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Sex is not all there is to a marriage but it is a very important part of it and the lack of sex will eventually lead to a breakdown no matter how good the other things are (as you have unfortunately found).

People get over this by doing what you are doing - leaving a painful relationship and finding value in themselves as individuals and choosing to live a life without deceit and hurt (which is what you are effectively doing). Focusing on yourself and being the best that you can be (for yoursef not others) is how you get over this.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

jlg07 said:


> So LH you are ok with her going out and having sex with others -- so you basically want an open marriage where she can do whatever/whoever she wants?
> 
> IF you are ok with this, then the stuff you have overheard about sex with others shouldn't be bothering you.
> IF you are NOT ok with this, then there really isn't any marriage as she didn't have the respect for your OR your marriage to NOT seek others behind your back. She has lied to you -- how can you trust her going forward?
> ...


I agree.
However, a friend will cheat on you, but a good W won't. 
The friend will rationalize that cheating isn't harmful, because you know, you're just friends.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

LF_UK_27 said:


> Hi everyone, it's been helpful reading that I'm not the only one going through what I'm feeling.
> 
> So, to cut a very long complex story short, I've been married for 3 years (together 7.5) and we've always seemed to struggle to maintain a decent sexual relationship. It's a combination of me possibly being on the asexual scale and her wanting more.
> Last year I found out after months of speculation that she had been seeing someone else behind my back and after confronting her she carried it on still thinking I wouldn't know again. This completely floored me.
> ...


Find someone who is asexual. She is not.


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