# Are you really "yourself" in front of your spouse?



## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

I struggled with the wording to the title. Basically, I am curious how many people truly hold nothing back from their spouse. You share everything with them...good, bad, ugly from the most mundane to your corniest jokes to your deepest fears.

If you don't, please share why and what about being this vulnerable with your spouse makes you uncomfortable? Did they do/say something to you that makes you second guess talking to them about certain things? Or are you largely that way with everyone?

Are there any of you who find that you are happier, more carefree and less stressed when you are away from your spouse? If so, do you know why that is? Is there anything that your spouse could do or not do to provide a happier/safer environment for you, or is it destined to always be that way? 

I hope that's not too vague of a question. I can provide some examples that relate to my marriage if needed, but just wanted to poll the audience really.

I am particularly interested in men who withdraw from their wives, and why they do it. I have read a lot about a mans "shame" dynamic and I am curious if there is a certain reason your wife in particular brings out this reaction in you, or if your like that in every close relationship you have.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I've been married for 21 years to my best friend. Yes I am myself with him and he knows it all. 

Early in our marriage my husband withdrew but it was because I was controlling and unknowingly hurtful. 

He has since checked back in but it's taken some serious love, hard work and patience on my end to get that to happen.


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## rj700 (Jun 22, 2012)

I am more myself with my W than anyone else. I don't share everything with her. Some of my insecurities or uncertainties stay internalized either because I don't want her to worry or more often that I don't want her to see me as weak.

I will tend to withdraw when I am angry or hurt, but she knows this and also knows that is not the time to push. When I'm ready to talk about it, I will. But if I don't bring it up, she won't either. Sometimes I wish she would. There are times I want to ask her things but don't, because I'm not sure I want to hear an honest answer or because, by asking, shows I'm not sure. I don't know if that's a shame thing, maybe so.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

I think depending on who you are as a person will determine how you act in front off your spouse, yoru boss, your minister, priest, neighbors, etc.

It is not the spouse as much as the person who brought that behavior into the marriage.


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## Liam (Nov 13, 2009)

100%, yes. She sees the good, the bad and the ugly. I would like to think it applies the other way too, but I am not in her head so can't say for certain 

We met online, and although we opened up and talked at length almost from the beginning, we didn't _truly_ see everything about each other until we had been together a few months, and then lived together a while. After 10 years of marriage, I'd say we know absolutely everything about each other and know each other inside and out. 

We didn't get to this stage easily though. During the tough times, we really had to learn to communicate effectively(this included some counseling) and not let our own issues and insecurities affect our marriage in a negative way. I was actually the more open and honest of the two of us, my wife found it harder to open up and share exactly how she was feeling. So glad we got through the tough times and are where we are now


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

No. Not really. In fact, I don't think I'm really totally myself in front of anyone.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

kag123 said:


> I struggled with the wording to the title. Basically, I am curious how many people truly hold nothing back from their spouse. You share everything with them...good, bad, ugly from the most mundane to your corniest jokes to your deepest fears.


 I feel your wording was







... and this IS about *Vulnerability*. Many struggle with this. 

I have been who I am... the good, the bad, the ugly, the mushy, the impatient, the bi*chy, the sweet, the feisty, the emotional, the nasty, the sensitive, the frightened, flaws & greatest weaknesses & fears.... all of it layed bare in front of my husband from the very beginning....

I RARELY go on about the "mundane" - as I don't want to bore my listeners.....I want to pull my hair out when some of my GF's go on about boring stuff like that







.....but I do share the JUICY~ the







~ the SHOCKING ~ the EXCITING....If I am UPSET, hurting, emotional...that sort of thing. 

My husband, being more the sensitive "Nice Guy" type.... has always given me a receptive listening spirit & ear ....this surely enabled me to open up completely - feeling accepted / loved for just being "ME" at my core. It didn't seem to matter what the hell came out of my mouth (God help him) ~~ I've had my moments.  

So He made this "EASY" for me. He seemed to get a charge out of my "piss & vinegar" personality......he's told me he's always LOVED the honesty, even if it STUNG at times. Cause when it was GOOD, he also KNEW it was REAL...and could be trusted explicitly. 

I did a thread on Vulnerability here ~~ it has a 20 minute video (EXCELLENT -so worth the watch) in explaining it's value... also why people fight against it so vehemently - even she did! ....I tried to give a little outline here >>>

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...r-its-pain-its-beauty-how-vulnerable-you.html

Brene Brown , the speaker...IS the "*SHAME researcher*" .... love this book >>> 

The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are: Brene Brown:














> I am particularly interested in men who withdraw from their wives, and why they do it. I have read a lot about a mans "shame" dynamic and I am curious if there is a certain reason your wife in particular brings out this reaction in you, or if your like that in every close relationship you have.


 My husband was NOT as vulnerable with me -as I was with him over the years... he struggled with feeling I didn't love him AS MUCH as he loved me. Due to hurting him in the sexual in our past (started with infertility), plus I took him for granted for a time...getting caught in "Mommy mode". 

Part of that was refusing to show weakness as a MAN. Also not wanting to "rock the boat" - because although it could have been better, he knew others had it worse, so he was happy "enough" to just go along ~ with the flow. 

Now, he realizes I HATE when he hides anything like that...I've joked if he ever does that again, I am going to put his balls in a vise.... I want him to share & bare it ALL... which I believe he has been doing just that for the last 3 yrs. It has brought us closer than ever before.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

This is me said:


> I think depending on who you are as a person will determine how you act in front off your spouse, yoru boss, your minister, priest, neighbors, etc.
> 
> It is not the spouse as much as the person who brought that behavior into the marriage.


This is interesting because I am often asking myself - 

Is it him? (He had this "closed book" relationship with his mother, that I desperately don't want to replicate. But he seems so open and happy and at ease with pretty much every other person but us.)

Or, is it me? (Am I unintentionally doing something to make him uncomfortable? Do I come off as b!tchy, judgmental, condescending, rude, pushy, annoying...all of those things? )

I cycle widely back and forth as to where the problem lies. Probably a mix of both, but without truly understanding why our dynamic is this way, I feel powerless to change it. There's also the little problem that he claims to see absolutely nothing wrong with his behavior and I am bat-sh!t crazy for suggesting it.

How did you come to your conclusion so concretely?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> No. Not really. In fact, I don't think I'm really totally myself in front of anyone.


Could you elaborate why you think you can't be yourself in front of anyone?

I don't know if this is a problem for your relationship, but I believe this is how my husband feels (can only speculate because he wont talk to me about it, so I am forming hypothesis based on observation). 

I am very much the opposite, very vulnerable to really almost anyone, not afraid to bare my soul to him...and I have done so on many occasions, but his response is discomfort and stonewalling. To bare your soul and be met with a wall of indifference and seeming disinterest is well, crushing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

SA - I would have quoted you, but I am working on my phone and its a bit tedious. I believe a part of what is happening here is what you mentioned - refusing to show weakness (shame about it) and being happy with the "good enough" marriage that we have. Meanwhile I feel ready to walk away because mentally & emotionally I have been operating as a single person for years now while he ignores, avoids, escapes any attempt I make at connection. I truly feel that leaving would be less frustrating at this point than trying to force this man out of his shell.

Such a shame, too. We also met online as someone else shared, and spent a couple of years having some really deep conversation which is really what ultimately led me to marry him. Little did I know I would feel like s victim of "bait and switch" a few years later!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

kag123 said:


> Could you elaborate why you think you can't be yourself in front of anyone?
> 
> I don't know if this is a problem for your relationship, but I believe this is how my husband feels (can only speculate because he wont talk to me about it, so I am forming hypothesis based on observation).
> 
> ...


The deepest darkest places in my soul, the places where sexual fantasies live, the place where my biggest fears and dreams live are pretty much off limits. Honestly I've been more open about things on this website than anyplace else, but it's still only a fraction. Over the decades with my wife I've occasionally sent up "test balloons" but more times than not they're met with judgement or confusion from her. So over time I've learned to be what she expects and wants rather than freak her out. And anyway, what she sees is at least 90% me. It's the 10% of weird/perverted/sadistic/voyeur that I hold back and she's shown that she doesn't want to see it anyway.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

I'm with Liam.... we also met online. We had a great friendship before it ever got serious or sexual. There was already a deepness and accepting there.

I've opened up completely with him.... because he allows it. And it works both ways. We both come from marriages where it was soooooooo judgemental, so stifling..... NOT anymore! I think we are completely authentic now, and it's so freeing, so amazing, and so (....gosh what's the word???)..... not necessary, but BENEFICIAL? to the whole connectivity issue. 

Hope that makes sense. 

You can't make someone open up.... or be authentic, (again with the ex.... he may have THOUGHT he was being open and authentic... but he never was, and I knew it. I could see right thru him.... he didn't know how transparent he was... which is sad in itself.)


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## 360H (Sep 25, 2012)

I don't hide intentionally or unintentionally "myself" from my wife. I opened my heart to her and it's been that way for 27 years. 

Too bad she smashed it. Maybe that's why some people don't open their hearts out too easily.


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## RunawayP (Sep 28, 2012)

For the most part, yes.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

kag123 said:


> I am particularly interested in men who withdraw from their wives, and why they do it. I have read a lot about a mans "shame" dynamic and I am curious if there is a certain reason your wife in particular brings out this reaction in you, or if your like that in every close relationship you have.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


kag123,

A husband who withdraws from his wife (typically his kids too) is almost always modeling his father who did the same thing. This is especially potent where a man picks a mate that has personality characteristics in common with his mother, it will always be a challenge not to fall into the character of his father


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Yes... I'm nothing but myself in front of my spouse. He has seen all sides of me.... from the sweet, to the seductive, to the downright b1tch.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Yes, I've been myself since day one. I may have changed since the day we married, but I'm always looking for ways to improve myself. I always make sure I have goals to reach. 

I am more comfortable with my husband here, I feel more complete. This really surprises me because I never needed a man to make me happy. I do need my husband though. When we first married I was independent and now I'm much more dependent then I'd like to be, but its out of my hands since I'm now disabled.:/ 

My husband is wonderful. He always has been. I couldn't ask for a better man to be married to.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Probably myself only in front of H....and on here...


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

kag123 said:


> SA - I would have quoted you, but I am working on my phone and its a bit tedious. I believe a part of what is happening here is what you mentioned - refusing to show weakness (shame about it) and being happy with the "good enough" marriage that we have. Meanwhile I feel ready to walk away because mentally & emotionally I have been operating as a single person for years now while he ignores, avoids, escapes any attempt I make at connection. I truly feel that leaving would be less frustrating at this point than trying to force this man out of his shell.


 I hear you, this would be very very difficult, I will say my husbands "stuffing" in some ways... caused me to be less interested in him... ya know, the whole taking the man for granted...a little "apathy" there (a subtle feeling of indifference).... but I was very content just being MOM & us watching our movies at night together -we always had "US" time & still did everything together... we didn't really flirt & laugh as much as we do NOW... I recall us going out to eat without the kids once... my great Aunt offering to baby sit for some "date nights"....and this thought came over me...

"Geeze, what in the world do we even talk about -if not the kids"... ya know, I should have woke up right then







... but I didn't. My mind was focused elsewhere -had he started some arguments about what he wanted more of, or opened up with me, that being vulnerable business ... yeah.. I could have been MOVED much earlier...I know me.... and it just would have been a good thing. 



> Such a shame, too. We also met online as someone else shared, and spent a couple of years having some really deep conversation which is really what ultimately led me to marry him. Little did I know I would feel like s victim of "bait and switch" a few years later!


 That IS a different Bait & switch, not the normal once talked about here at TAM ...but one none the less, I would feel similar as you in this... 

If It was ME... I would plan something , have a letter written in my hand (spend careful time gathering your thoughts, what you need from the relationship but also being humble to your shortcomings -so he will not be on the defensive) and share how deeply these things mean to you..... what you once had/shared in this way.......take that walk down memory lane with him.... get off somewhere alone....no interruptions/ no cell phones ringing.... I would go to great lengths to assure him.....

....That no matter what he shares with YOU... you are not going to flip out, turn it against him, put him in the dog house, or use it in future fights... that you understand HUMAN NATURE, that it is not always pretty... but in it's own way, it can be beautiful, many times humorous even -(or so I think so)...

This is leading into the whole Transparency thing... Did a thread on that too >> HERE . 

Most can never achieve this -due to feeling judged/ fear of criticism... what Working on Me was talking about here >>>



> *WorkingOnMe said*: The deepest darkest places in my soul, the places where sexual fantasies live, the place where my biggest fears and dreams live are pretty much off limits. Honestly I've been more open about things on this website than anyplace else, but it's still only a fraction. Over the decades with my wife I've occasionally sent up "test balloons" but more times than not they're met with judgement or confusion from her. So over time I've learned to be what she expects and wants rather than freak her out. And anyway, what she sees is at least 90% me. It's the 10% of weird/perverted/sadistic/voyeur that I hold back and she's shown that she doesn't want to see it anyway.


Let's face it --NONE of us want to throw our pearls before swine, so they can be trampled, even I wouldn't do that.. not if I had to live with that person! Even if we are the best of spouses....this level of sharing may always be a problem -due to past hurts where one simply REFUSES to ever allow another in -like that again...or it was how they were raised, brought up to believe --we are never meant to go that deep with another ....Privacy is golden.....and /or the whole "weakness" thing.

WorkingOnme.... not that your wife would EVER read this book... but had she... she might not find you so weird & freakish after all ....just a normal man. 

Men in Love: Nancy Friday: Books ... about the book >>>>



> _*Men In Love*_ develops a startlingly honest portrayal of what it means to be a man in contemporary America. Here are the unexpurgated dreams, fantasies and fetishes that excite and obsess men today. In creating this historic study, Nancy Friday listened -- without disapproval, apology or censorship -- to the candid responses of thousands of men aged fourteen through sixty.
> 
> She gave them a legitimate arena where they could share their "secret gardens" -- the hidden and forbidden but nonetheless real and true. Much more than a litany of erotica, this unique volume doesn't tell us how men should love. It tells us how men do love -- a stunning insight into the desires that dwell within men's psyches... and their hearts.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Erm no, don't want her to figure me ALL out, that won't be fun at all =/


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> Are you really "yourself" in front of your spouse?


No, i limit my groin scratching and ****** picking...


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

^ :rofl:


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

I told my ex, if she wanted to know anything, just ask. I would open up and tell her. I wanted her to ask me. I guess, looking back, it could have been that I wanted to be able to ask her about things. I felt she might feel more obligated to open up with me if I answered some of her questions. She never wanted to talk that deeply. I guess she has a lot to hide. I wanted to tell her what some of my sexual fantasies were. I could not. I did not want her to think I was sick or anything. I thought we could share. If I told her something, she could tell me something. It was the only way I felt safe. It never happened. There was too much secrecy. At one point, she started to ask me questions about different things and I was duped into believing she was going to open up with me. What I found was, she was building her case against me to justify her cheating and leaving. I thought she was trying to fall deeper in love with the man she married, me. Over time, she never did open up. She actually became more aloof. I did not understand at the time. It made no sense from my stand point, which was, we were in a loving relationship. We wanted to know more about each other because we were going to be together till death; not the case at all. Having trust in her, I opened up. I thought, even if she left me, she would not hurt me with my deep dark secrets. I was wrong. No one is above hurting you in a way that cannot be repaired.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Sometimes--absolutely, yes, no holds barred.
Other times--my experience is like what you describe in your marriage. 

I can tell when I'm in a "safe zone" and when I'm not; or when he'll respond supportively or not, or when he's just too busy or self-absorbed. The problems come when he's not sending the energy that lets me know I'll get the support/response I need, sometimes I still want to be myself in a way and receive that, and I don't, so I get frustrated. 

Last night this led to a huge fight. Like you, I'm getting sick of giving and trying and feeling like he doesn't care.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

I don't know...I just struggle with this I guess.

We have two small kids, and we both work, and our lives are pretty crazy on a daily basis. I understand it's hard to find time to unwind and connect with each other during these times. Our children are pre-schoolers now and it is easier to find babysitting for them now, so I try to make an effort to schedule date nights for us fairly reguarly (usually no less than once every two weeks). 

Last weekend, I bought us tickets to a sold out baseball game for one of my husbands favorite teams. I surprised him with the tickets and he was delighted. I am not a huge baseball fan, but my H is, so I was looking forward to spending the evening with him since I knew we were doing something he really wanted to do. It turns out, that a few of our guy friends were also attending the game (not sitting anywhere near us in the stadium). We met up with them for drinks before the game. H was in a great mood, happy, laughing, having a great time when we were at the bar with friends. Then it was time to move into the stadium for the game, so it was just the two of us again, as all our friends were seated elsewhere. Silence during the game. I get it, he's watching baseball, so I am not upset about the silence. Halfway through the game, the stadium cleared out a bit and our friends moved down to sit in the empty seats around us. As soon as friends are back in the picture - happy, laughing, talking, having a great time. Game is over, we all leave. Silence sets in again during the car ride home (I drive, he plays on his phone the entire time). I ask him if he enjoyed his evening, he says "Yea." and nothing more. 

This is typical. I did not address it with him or anything. I just have to wonder, why does he seem so happy around others but not around me? It's hard not to let it sit in my mind. It makes me deeply sad. He seems to be really "himself" around others and then clams up and shuts down around me. Shouldn't it be the opposite? It has to be something I did to him to make him this way, but I can't put my finger on it, and he isn't talking. I would love to hear his thoughts, I'd love for him to share a joke with me, even yell at me! Tell me I am a b!tch if that's what he really thinks! Instead he says nothing. He shuts me out. 

We are actually going away for 3 days/2 nights alone, sans kids, for our anniversary later this month. I am nervous as hell about it. I don't know what we are going to do together during that time. I foresee a lot of sitting in the hotel room watching TV while he is absorbed in his phone. I don't know. I don't get the feeling he really enjoys spending time with me or that he really is himself around me, and I am not really looking forward to our trip because of it.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Do you think that he may sense you're unhappiness and maybe is reflecting that when alone with you?

My husband and I are very close and very in tune with one another. We sense each others mood from a mile away without having to say a word.


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## MYM1430 (Nov 7, 2011)

I do hold a lot back for several reasons:

1. I am too embarassed to share my sexual fantasies with someone (my wife) who has no sexual fantasies. 

2. I have had poor self-esteem for most of my life (coming out of it now) that has negatively biased anything I did share. She has told me she doesn't want to hear me bash myself because it just makes her want to join in.

3. There are parts of me that don't belong in my relationship. I don't flirt anymore because I am married to her. I don't look at other women because I am married to her. Before I was married, I did these things but now I hold "myself" back from them and other things. 

4. I have hobbies she doesn't want to be around when I am doing them. 

5. I have hobbies I don't pursue so that I can spend time with her.


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## homebuilder (Aug 25, 2012)

I hold back alot with worries and fears because i think as a man your supposed to be the anchor in the family so i don't need to show weakness i need to show cofidence. I also hold back alot sexually because she is very uptight about sex and it would just cause problems if she knew what kind of freak I am. We been married 13 years plus


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## twomistakes (Oct 5, 2012)

kag123 said:


> I just have to wonder, why does he seem so happy around others but not around me? It's hard not to let it sit in my mind. It makes me deeply sad. He seems to be really "himself" around others and then clams up and shuts down around me. Shouldn't it be the opposite?


I have to say, in my relationship, I find that I am the one clamming up and shutting down more often than my husband. And, like you, it makes me deeply sad. The truth is, I don't really know why it happens either. He has never said anything about it, and maybe doesn't even notice, but it bothers me. I want us to be best friends, like everyone always talks about. When we were dating, we really were best friends.

I think I may have changed more than he has. We were young when we started dating (19), and got married very quickly. I was a teenager! A particularly closed-minded and judgmental teenager, and no I just feel like our values are different. For example, when we first met neither of us ever drank. For one thing, we were under age, but it was also something that just didn't interest us. Now, I have developed an appreciation of quality beer. I remember being in our apartment cooking dinner together, and I opened the fridge and got a beer (my second one of the night). He heard me open it, turned around, and said "Oh, you're having another beer?" I felt embarrassed and annoyed and angry. His tone of voice sounded so disapproving, even though he told me he didn't care.

That's just an example. It's not about our differing opinion about drinking - it's more the fear that I'll be judged if I do something he doesn't like. I might think my singing along with the radio will annoy him, or that he'll think I'm stupid for watching a reality TV show. I am more "me" with my friends, or when I'm alone.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

twomistakes said:


> I have to say, in my relationship, I find that I am the one clamming up and shutting down more often than my husband. And, like you, it makes me deeply sad. The truth is, I don't really know why it happens either. He has never said anything about it, and maybe doesn't even notice, but it bothers me. I want us to be best friends, like everyone always talks about. When we were dating, we really were best friends.
> 
> I think I may have changed more than he has. We were young when we started dating (19), and got married very quickly. I was a teenager! A particularly closed-minded and judgmental teenager, and no I just feel like our values are different. For example, when we first met neither of us ever drank. For one thing, we were under age, but it was also something that just didn't interest us. Now, I have developed an appreciation of quality beer. I remember being in our apartment cooking dinner together, and I opened the fridge and got a beer (my second one of the night). He heard me open it, turned around, and said "Oh, you're having another beer?" I felt embarrassed and annoyed and angry. His tone of voice sounded so disapproving, even though he told me he didn't care.
> 
> That's just an example. It's not about our differing opinion about drinking - it's more the fear that I'll be judged if I do something he doesn't like. I might think my singing along with the radio will annoy him, or that he'll think I'm stupid for watching a reality TV show. I am more "me" with my friends, or when I'm alone.


I find this really interesting because I think my H shares that feeling of being afraid to be judged by me. I don't understand it though. I can honestly say I am not aware of a single time that I have judged him. I love him and find all of his thoughts and feelings fascinating - truly. So why does he think I judge him? Do you know why you feel that way about your H? Has he ever actually said something to you or do you just infer from his tone?

My H once told me that I am intimidating because I am so confident. I am one of those people who has an opinion and isn't easily swayed. I will stand alone in my views even if it means being ostracized or judged for it. He said that is intimidating, to be with someone so sure of herself. I have had other people tell me I am intimidating too. I don't get it. I put a lot of thought into my actions and the way that I interact with people and it makes me feel like I am viewed in a negative manner, like a bully or something. Hard to describe. I guess I will never understand?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## twomistakes (Oct 5, 2012)

kag123 said:


> Do you know why you feel that way about your H? Has he ever actually said something to you or do you just infer from his tone?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He has said things in the past that made me feel like I'm being judged. Recently, I started working with a girl with a lot of tattoos, and I said that I might want to get one. He said that he didn't like tattoos, and wouldn't think as highly of me if I got one. When we were dating, I told him that I used to smoke before we met. He said he would never date a girl that smoked, and would break up with me if I started again.

He doesn't know I'm posting on here, and I guess I'm just afraid of the conversation we'll have if I bring it up. Maybe your husband is afraid of hurting your feelings, or of realizing that something's not working out? I'm not sure. But if he's intimidated by you, maybe he's afraid that he won't be able to hold his own in a conversation about it. If he's not as sure of himself as you are.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

kag123 said:


> I can honestly say I am not aware of a single time that I have judged him.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Someone can "feel judged" even if the other person doesn't mean to be judging.
Someone can be judging without realizing they are.
His telling you he thinks you're intimidating, is pretty direct. Strongly opinionated people do come across as judgmental sometimes. Maybe it brings out some insecurity in him.


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

Kag, my husband has acted like yours. Particularly the acting animated with others and being withdrawn and distant with me. For us it stemmed from him being depressed and resentful, and it wasn't until I had the energy and time to force him to talk to me about it (and this took several days of pretty sustained effort) that he finally opened up about how he was feeling.


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## Jeapordy (Aug 12, 2012)

Kag,
Do you judge other people? It sounds like you super secure and confident, and have no problem deciding what you like and don't like. That could also mean that you have a very black and white personality. 
My wife is just like that. There is no gray in her world. Everything is either good or bad. That is very intimidating for a spouse. That means that everything the spouse does must either be "good" or it will be bad.
He may have sent up "test balloons" and had them shot down very quickly. Or he may have talked about other people, and you passed judgment on them in a way that he disagrees with, but he can't tell you that he wants to be more like them.
Maybe you put your husband on a pedestal, and tell him that he is "perfect" and he just can't live up to that standard. 
When I am silent around my wife, but happy around friends, that usually means that I have something to say but I don't want to start a fight. Something is eating away at me, but I feel like I will be judged, and my "nice guy" syndrome says it is easier not say anything, than to get into an argument. I'm also mad that my wife isn't picking up on the fact that I am being passive aggressive, and want her to admit that she knows why I am upset. I'm not saying that is a good way to handle it, but it might be what is happening.


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## Jeapordy (Aug 12, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> The deepest darkest places in my soul, the places where sexual fantasies live, the place where my biggest fears and dreams live are pretty much off limits. Honestly I've been more open about things on this website than anyplace else, but it's still only a fraction. Over the decades with my wife I've occasionally sent up "test balloons" but more times than not they're met with judgement or confusion from her. So over time I've learned to be what she expects and wants rather than freak her out. And anyway, what she sees is at least 90% me. It's the 10% of weird/perverted/sadistic/voyeur that I hold back and she's shown that she doesn't want to see it anyway.


Amen, I've found a brother from another mother 
I know everything about my wife, not because she has told me, but because I have spent 20 years really trying to figure her out. That took a lot of trial and error on my part but I'm the type of person who needs to know what makes people tick. My wife knows that I am not completely open with her, but she is okay with it. She says she wants to know everything about me, but she hasn't really made the effort in 20 years, probably because she is afraid what she will find in those dark crevices. I don't feel I can be 100% honest with her because she has always held me to an impossible standard, and I hate to disappoint her. So in her world, I'm the perfect husband who can be irritating sometimes, and doesn't always hear the dryer going off, but she can always rely on me to be "normal" by her standards.


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

My husband is the only one who gets me. I have always been myself. He accepts all of my strangeness.


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## Dubya (Oct 2, 2012)

I'm myself with my wife more so than anybody else. There's still a few things I keep for myself.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

I never purposely try to be judgemental. I suppose its more for other people to decide if I am or not, since I cannot see myself from their perspective. Personally, I don't think that I am. I take great care and effort to accept everyone the way they are, and to only give my opinion when asked. I do not toss someone aside just because we may have differences in opinion. I am not quite sure where this came from in my marraige.

I do know that my MIL is quite judgmental and very vocal about it. I can only assume that my H grew up under a very critical eye. So, maybe he's got a bit of baggage there and is extra sensitive to it. I don't know. Just pulling at straws here, since he seriously never talks to me about anything. I am left to guess.

I, too, grew up in an extremely critical household but seem to have reacted to it in a different way. I learned to gave a thick skin, be secure in my decisions and hold my ground against my parents (and consequently everyone else). I can take quite a beating and let it roll off my back most of the time. And I try to be very conscious about how my words and actions affect others so as not to repeat my parents mistakes.

So, it stings a lot when I feel that my H might be thinking I am critical of him since I put so much thought into truing NOT to be that way.

Re: sending up test balloons....maybe he has done this? I don't know. If he has, I suppose I failed the tests otherwise I imagine that we would have a very different relationship dynamic right now. Seems like mind fames to me. I have always begged him to be honest with me, I am an adult and I can handle criticism. Instead, he shuts me out and I am left to guess why. To come here and ask strangers what my H could possibly be thinking instead of getting the answer from the guy I share my life with. I hate it. I never make him play these games, and I never purposely set him up to fail my "tests". I find the whole thing so frustrating.

He has asked me in the past if I like certain things, and if I say no, its like he is denouncing that from his life form certain regardless of the way HE feels about it. Its so strange. For example...there is a certain type of pasta that I don't really care for, that H likes a lot. One day I told him I didn't really like that pasta ...so he has never bought it again since that day. And one day I mentioned it to him when we were grocery shopping and he said "Oh I won't eat that again because you said you don't like it" WTF? Its so strange. I didn't say I would spit it out, I just said I didn't prefer it, it wasn't my favorite. That doesn't mean he can never eat it again or I wont make it for him just because he likes it.

Another example. He bought new glasses. In the past we have gone together and he has casually asked me for my opinion on what glasses look best. (He'd pick out 3-4 different frames and ask me to help him choose). This time, I didn't go with him and he came home with new glasses on. I noticed right away and complimented him on them. They were much different than the frames he normally picks. I told him how good he looks in them. He looked at me in shock and said "Really? I was so sure you'd hate them, I didn't take you with me because I thought you would tell me not to biy them." Again, WTF. If we walked into the store together and he knew what he wanted, went for it, said he liked the glasses I would have given him the same reaction he got from me at home...looks good, buy them. I seriously can't remember a time when he has expressed he likes something and I have reacted in a hateful or b!tchy way. So, why do I get framed for this bad behavior?

I want to know how to reverse this pattern. I often feel like I am being punished for things I didn't even do, or for failing these tests that I didn't even know I was taking. Like he's setting me up to fail to prove his point or something. I don't know.

And yes, he can be very passive aggressive, moody and I do often feel like I am supposed to guess what he's thinking or what he wants. He is almost never straightforward with me. I hate that because I am very straightforward always, with everyone, and don't understand how people get their needs met by playing games about it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jeapordy (Aug 12, 2012)

This sounds like nice guy syndrome. He doesn't want to initiate any conflicts so he doesn't say anything. He wants to please you, so he only eats or wears what he thinks you will like. 
I suggest reading No More Mr. Nice Guy. If you see a lot of his qualities in the book, then you can suggest that he read it, or you can try and use the suggestions in the book.
I grew up in a house where I NEVER saw my parents argue. So early in my marriage when we would argue, I thought it was the end of the world. I assumed that good marriages didn't have arguments. That was an unhealthy dynamic. 20 years later I still hate to argue and I try and avoid it, but I have learned how to resolve issues more fairly and productively, and less passive aggressively.


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