# New here and looking for advice.....



## mphinney (May 10, 2012)

Hi, I'm 47 and been with my husband for about 29 years. Married for almost 16. Have 2 boys 12 & 10. With every waking minute lately, I want a divorce.
My H has never been responsible with money, he lived with his parents until he was 32, moved in with me just a year before we were to be married. His mom took care of everything for him and when he moved in, I guess I started doing the same thing. He never helped pay for the bills of the apartment because he said he didn't like my landlord. So when we were expecting our first child, he wanted to buy a house. I had no savings, living alone since I was 18, he spent everything he made, so we had to borrow from his parents. We did buy a house well below market value only because it was completely outdated and in need of repair. From the moment we bought this house, my life has been nothing but miserable. He expected me to continue to pay all the bills while giving me only 1/4 of his pay, with excuse after excuse as to why he needed cash for himself. Now 12 years later in the house and countless conversations which go nowhere (he never wants to listen and when he does he turns my words against me and makes it out to be my fault). He took our tax money back in Feb to do God knows what with and shorted me from his paychecks which started this entire mess we are in now. I couldn't pay the mortgage or the rest of the bills, said something to him, and he says he gives me enough money. I tried to explain the bills and he never sees it. I have given up on talking to him about anything anymore. If the TV is on, it's all he sees or hears. When I tell him we have to talk, his normal response is, "when this is over". I give up!!!!! I went ahead and started a modification process with the house,t hey approved us for a trial with a $200 reduction payment. Now, HE"S all up in arms because he doesn't want to accept it. He thinks that he is so special, he can go and refinance somehow with our credit in the toilet. 
Back up a few years ago, I had a really good paying job and my income paid pretty much all the bills and then some. I lost that job, the company closed. Had no income for 2 months waiting for unemployment and only ended up with less than 1/2 of what my weekly pay was. He never made any effort to give me more money to pay bills then either. After 6 months I found another job making about 20K less a year and have been struggling since. If my sons say "dad, I want", he's right out buying it even when I say no, we can't afford it. It is just a mess!!!!!!!!!
I would rather sell the house and find a rental to help rebuild our credit and lives, but he won't here of it.
In desperation, I've thought of suicide and let him deal with it. But I can't do that to my kids. I think a divorce would be the only way to be able to start fresh again.
His family is always telling me that I have to put my foot down, his mother says he's needs a kick in the ass. But none of them live with him and can't see that I've done everything I can to get through to him, and nothing works. 
I am at such a loss, I don't know what to do.


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## ~TheOptimist~ (Jun 14, 2011)

It definitely sounds like your husband does not want to change or even attempt to change. I know sometimes it's hard to look past your emotions (any love you have left for him, not wanting to give up, your kids's feelings, how people will view you, etc.), but you can't forget that even though you are married, and it seems like you and your husband have joint lives, you both still have separate lives. Yes, by getting married, you decided to intertwine your lives together, but forgetting about your own life is unhealthy.
I just recently left my husband because he was doing things that I could not live with any longer. I had left before, but I always came home 2-3 days later believing him when he said he would stop what he was doing and change. This time, I said I wouldn't come home until I saw proof that he was attempting to change. This was _incredibly_ hard for me, and of course, for him as well.
I am telling you this so you know that I do know how you feel. 
Have you tried going to counseling? I have a feeling you are going to tell me that your husband would not go to that. If he would, you should try that. If not, then you should leave. If you are still not ready to say "I want a divorce", tell him that you are leaving and will not come back until he makes some changes (let him know what you want those changes to be). 
My husband did not like that I was staying away until I saw change. It made me realize that, although he did love me, it just wasn't enough to keep us together. He needed psychological help, which he would not get unless I came back home. But I knew we would go back into the same routine. How did I know this? Because it happened more than once when I had left for a brief period and then returned.
It seems to me that you have been trying very hard, just about everything, to get him to change. No matter what happens after this situation is over, don't feel like a failure. You gave it your all. You can't make a person change if they do not want to.


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## mphinney (May 10, 2012)

OMG you are so right, he would never talk about anything with anyone because he's says no one else needs to know what goes on in our house.
His sisters and mother know what he's like, our neighbors say that I'm a saint. And God forbid if someone tell him he's wrong. There is still so much more to this than I mentioned above. Last year he talked me into buying a motorcycle. Said it would save on gas since he drives a diesel truck. I agreed only if it was cheap. He bought the motorcycle a year ago and did get a lot of use out of it, but he also put money into it since it was old. Then he told me around Christmas time that the first motorcycle he had looked at that he wanted was no available for sale. I told him no, you already have one. Well 2 weeks after Christmas I came home from work to see him unloading the second motorcycle into the garage. Nice, never said a word about it and spent more money. Now there are two motorcycles, registered and insured. But he can't figure out why "I" can't pay bills.
We also have a camper, paid in full a few years ago. I told him we should sell it, use the money to pay off his truck, then sell his truck use that money to buy a smaller vehicle and what ever was left, use to pay off my car. Absolutely not!! The boys like to go camping and I don't want to take that away from them. I'm sorry but when we go camping, the boys are inside the camper playing video games, I'm constantly picking stuff up and cooking meals, he takes naps outside in a chair. It's time for the camper to go. 
And as far as the house goes right now with the modification that he won't accept... HE has a savings plan through work with over 100K in it. I made him sign the form to take a loan for the past due balance on the mortgage and to cover a couple more months so we could get this worked out. He is not happy about taking this money out of his retirement. Believe me, there will be plently of money left for him to live on BY HIMSELF if this does not get fixed. 
I want nothing from him. He's always saying "this is MY house". Well keep it, and good luck to you. I have no where I can go with the kids, and in this day and age of cell phones, I would have such a hard time getting the kids to come with me and trying to explain it all. I would have to hide their cell phones and bribe them somehow to get them to gather their things and pack them in the car. 
I have always been the responsible one and I just can't handle it anymore. I do believe that if we didn't have the kids, I would have been gone along time ago.


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## ~TheOptimist~ (Jun 14, 2011)

Yes, having kids does make this situation a lot harder. I'm so thankful that my husband and I had not had kids yet. From what you told me, it sounds like your husband does not respect you at all. Do you have any family or a close friend near by that you could stay with temporarily? I would try your hardest to explain what's going on to your kids.


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## mphinney (May 10, 2012)

I live in Massachusetts, my mother lives in Florida in a 55+ community, no kids. My sister just moved to South Carolina with her new husband and have a very small 1 bed apartment. Not sure where I could go.


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## fallensoldier (May 6, 2012)

Suicide? C'mon! He needs to grow up. And you need to move on. With the mess youre in you definetely don't need a third child and he is certainly acting like one. Good luck!


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## The Lurker (May 11, 2012)

fallensoldier said:


> Suicide? C'mon! He needs to grow up. And you need to move on. With the mess youre in you definetely don't need a third child and he is certainly acting like one. Good luck!


I agree..


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## ~TheOptimist~ (Jun 14, 2011)

Maybe you should just find an apartment or something to live in. Abrupt change is hard, but your move has to be drastic if there's any chance of your husband attempting to change. You'll most likely be there for at least a month anyway. Someone who is not willing to change their bad habits while you're still at home aren't going to jump off the couch right away once you leave. It takes time. I'm sure that would be a hard decision to make. I'm only here to give advice. The rest is up to you.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

If you're at the point of feeling suicidal, you need to leave NOW. Once that decision is behind you, everything else will be easier. Please do let us know how you are doing.


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