# Ever the considerate gentleman...



## Julie's Husband (Jan 3, 2022)

Ever have a moment like this?

I was virgin up until a month before my 30th birthday. A young lady who knew I was virgin finagled to get me into her hotel room and have her way with me. Lady's choice.

We had unprotected sex. To this day I never have had protected sex.

Anyway some time later we were driving somewhere in one of the rare times we socialized and she shared that she was 4 months pregnant and going to get an abortion. She was about 21 or 22.

My mind went nonfunctional as I tried to go through the math to figure whether I was the father. I didn't want to ask her whether I was the father as this might give her the idea I thought she slept around.

Always the gentleman.


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## hairyhead (Oct 30, 2015)

A gentleman would have asked if she was using BC before the act.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Did she end up getting the abortion?


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## Julie's Husband (Jan 3, 2022)

hairyhead said:


> A gentleman would have asked if she was using BC before the act.


I was virgin, shy and inexperienced. She seduced me and was obviously experienced. I was in total shock that a woman would hit on me.


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## Julie's Husband (Jan 3, 2022)

EleGirl said:


> Did she end up getting the abortion?


Yes.


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## hairyhead (Oct 30, 2015)

Julie's Husband said:


> I was virgin, shy and inexperienced. She seduced me and was obviously experienced. I was in total shock that a woman would hit on me.


That's ok then!


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Not sure I get the “Always a gentleman” part comes from? No matter how inexperienced about sex, unless someone deliberately worked at getting you drunk or high, a “gentleman” still has a clue about the consequences of sex and would take responsibility for the outcome. It wouldn’t be wrong to wish you weren’t in that situation, but once there, allowing the woman to deal with it on her own is not, I think, a gentlemen in the making.

Maybe I’m mid-reading the post?


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## Julie's Husband (Jan 3, 2022)

Casual Observer said:


> Not sure I get the “Always a gentleman” part comes from? No matter how inexperienced about sex, unless someone deliberately worked at getting you drunk or high, a “gentleman” still has a clue about the consequences of sex and would take responsibility for the outcome. It wouldn’t be wrong to wish you weren’t in that situation, but once there, allowing the woman to deal with it on her own is not, I think, a gentlemen in the making.
> 
> Maybe I’m mid-reading the post?


Sort of tongue in cheek that I thought it would be ungentlemanly to suggest she was sleeping around (she was, of course) by having to ask whether I was the father. She didn't make any suggestion that I might be the father.

I was and am very inhibited and the idea that a woman would initiate sex really shocked / confused me. I was painfully shy and nerdy and had no experience socializing with women, no inkling of how people interact when having sex. No way I would be planning ahead.


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## hairyhead (Oct 30, 2015)

I think you are deluding yourself. At 30, no matter how shy, you should be sufficiently aware of the biology of sex to understand that pregnancy can result. To not address that does not put you in a good light!


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Not sure what the point of this thread is....


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## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

Sounds normal to me. Same story, untold times, every day.


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## Julie's Husband (Jan 3, 2022)

hairyhead said:


> I think you are deluding yourself. At 30, no matter how shy, you should be sufficiently aware of the biology of sex to understand that pregnancy can result. To not address that does not put you in a good light!


It's interesting that you don't seem to be able to see outside your own perspective and understand that some people don't have a clue because we haven't even the most basic experience. Or expectations. You are fortunate to have lived a fuller life.

I was virgin for a reason. I had a "don't flirt, don't touch" attitude towards women. I still do. I had no expectation or intent. Being married, I've not had to grow socially so at age 76 I am just working on learning to accept touch in massage from women who are not my wife.

So, no, I would not have been proactive with birth control. If she was interested in going through the effort of herding me into having sex, I would have no thought that she would not plan for it.


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## hairyhead (Oct 30, 2015)

Julie's Husband said:


> It's interesting that you don't seem to be able to see outside your own perspective and understand that some people don't have a clue because we haven't even the most basic experience. Or expectations. You are fortunate to have lived a fuller life.
> 
> I was virgin for a reason. I had a "don't flirt, don't touch" attitude towards women. I still do. I had no expectation or intent. Being married, I've not had to grow socially so at age 76 I am just working on learning to accept touch in massage from women who are not my wife.
> 
> So, no, I would not have been proactive with birth control. If she was interested in going through the effort of herding me into having sex, I would have no thought that she would not plan for it.


Hence "gentleman" is inaccurate and inappropriate.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

In a situation like this, the woman either slept around or didn't have the decency to tell the man that he was a father. In either case, "is it mine?" is totally justified. Something like this should be confirmed, just like making sure birth control was used _before _clothes come off.

Seems like more of an avoidance problem than "being a gentleman".


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## Julie's Husband (Jan 3, 2022)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> You had the 'sense' to unzip your pants and get an erection and climb up on top for a ride on Wet 'n Wild (even if it did last only 6 seconds or so), yet you lacked the SIMPLE ability to ask about birth control?
> 
> You're just full of excuses for being irresponsible, aren't you? But even more so, calling yourself a 'gentleman' to explain away your complete irresponsibility is actually laughable. I'm still trying to decide if you're a real poster or whether you're pulling our legs and quite honestly, the jury is still out on that one.
> 
> "Gentleman" is probably the *last* word I would have used to describe your behavior, however, the words _"selfish"_ and _"coward"_ come to mind.


I have not been able to talk about these experiences for years as I expected reactions such as yours. 

You seem to have an active imagination, but not much understanding that not all people have the same life experiences.

The young lady managed to get me to go to her hotel room. When I realized she was making a move on me I went into total shock that a woman was making advances. I just sat there unable to think what to say or do.

She later told me that she understood that if she had not made the first move, nothing would have happened.

When we went to bed I was so confused about being in that situation that I could not become aroused. She suggested that we sleep on it and see what happens in the morning.

What happens in the morning is a morning erection. I do not remember any foreplay other than maybe a cuddle. She told me to turn onto my back and mounted me.

The gentleman part is about not wanting to imply that she slept around by asking who the father was when she told me she was pregnant. She never did tell me whether it was me or someone else.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

This is a super weird thread. What's gentlemanly about riding bareback and finding out about an abortion?
Is this a humble brag that a younger chick took your virginity?
Is the gentlemanly part that you didn't ask if you were the baby daddy? 
Why does being married mean you don't grow socially? Are you saying you're still 30 in your head at 76? 

Curious minds want to know... 🤔


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## Julie's Husband (Jan 3, 2022)

hairyhead said:


> Hence "gentleman" is inaccurate and inappropriate.


You'll have to explain what you mean.


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## hairyhead (Oct 30, 2015)

To claim being a gentleman in the circumstances you describe is both inaccurate and inappropriate. Simple.


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## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

You're 76?

So this event happened in 1975?


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## Julie's Husband (Jan 3, 2022)

TXTrini said:


> This is a super weird thread. What's gentlemanly about riding bareback and finding out about an abortion?
> Is this a humble brag that a younger chick took your virginity?
> Is the gentlemanly part that you didn't ask if you were the baby daddy?
> Why does being married mean you don't grow socially? Are you saying you're still 30 in your head at 76?
> ...


Read my comments above on this.

Yes, I understand that my thought processes in relating to women are out of the norm. Again, that is why I've not been able to talk about it.

No, it is not a brag. I had some experiences that many men would probably enjoy or envy, but for me it was extremely awkward. In working with current emotional problems with a clinical social worker some of this stuff turned up as baggage. 

Being married means I've never had to learn about flirting, casual sexual relationships or lose my inhibitions about touch.


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## hairyhead (Oct 30, 2015)

You are now going to claim that the gentleman claim relates to finding out that she was pregnant and not casting aspersions that she slept around.

A real gentleman and, Indeed, a real man would have stepped to the mark. He would have spoken to her indicating he recognised he could be the father and offering her support.

The word "coward" has been used in another post......


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## Julie's Husband (Jan 3, 2022)

DownButNotOut said:


> You're 76?
> 
> So this event happened in 1975?


Yes. Like I mentioned this just turned up again as part of dealing with current emotional issues caused by hormone treatment for prostate cancer.


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## Julie's Husband (Jan 3, 2022)

hairyhead said:


> You are now going to claim that the gentleman claim relates to finding out that she was pregnant and not casting aspersions that she slept around.
> 
> A real gentleman and, Indeed, a real man would have stepped to the mark. He would have spoken to her indicating he recognised he could be the father and offering her support.
> 
> The word "coward" has been used in another post......


Whatever. She did not give any indication in our conversation that I was the father. I guess I should appologize for being socially inept.


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## hairyhead (Oct 30, 2015)

Or not jump into a public forum seeking slaps on the back for being such a great guy?


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## Julie's Husband (Jan 3, 2022)

hairyhead said:


> Or not jump into a public forum seeking slaps on the back for being such a great guy?


You have your perspective and I guess you are stuck with it. No, I was curious whether others had been in the situation and how they handled it.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

This is an odd thread but maybe OP, you feel bad after all these years, a sense of guilt for not asking her if the baby could have been yours. So, perhaps that is why you’ve created this narrative in your mind that you were (”ever the gentleman”) to alleviate your guilt. Some food for thought.


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## Julie's Husband (Jan 3, 2022)

*Deidre* said:


> This is an odd thread but maybe OP, you feel bad after all these years, a sense of guilt for not asking her if the baby could have been yours. So, perhaps that is why you’ve created this narrative in your mind that you were (”ever the gentleman”) to alleviate your guilt. Some food for thought.


Thank you.

I don't think I feel guilt, just unresolved about being awkward and not knowing how to deal with the situation. And whether my trying not to suggest she'd been with other men was a bit too innocent on my part. And maybe wondering what I would have done if I was the father. There might be a sense of loss there, too.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Julie's Husband said:


> Thank you.
> 
> I don't think I feel guilt, just unresolved about being awkward and not knowing how to deal with the situation. And whether my trying not to suggest she'd been with other men was a bit too innocent on my part. And maybe wondering what I would have done if I was the father. There might be a sense of loss there, too.


Yea, I think when it comes to bad choices we’ve made in the past, it’s better just to own them because then you can heal from them. So, going forward, remove the “gentleman” narrative from your thinking (because it’s inaccurate) and just own what happened.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Julie's Husband said:


> Read my comments above on this.
> 
> Yes, I understand that my thought processes in relating to women are out of the norm. Again, that is why I've not been able to talk about it.
> 
> ...


I read the whole thread, including your comments. I have to agree with Deirdre, it seems that you're absolving yourself of questionable behavior by claiming to be a gentleman.


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## hairyhead (Oct 30, 2015)

Julie's Husband said:


> You have your perspective and I guess you are stuck with it. No, I was curious whether others had been in the situation and how they handled it.


Unlikely others have had the exact same experience however if they reacted the same way they won't admit on this website. They would have a better sense of what is appropriate.


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## Julie's Husband (Jan 3, 2022)

hairyhead said:


> Unlikely others have had the exact same experience however if they reacted the same way they won't admit on this website. They would have a better sense of what is appropriate.


Thank you for sharing from your high moral platform.


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## Julie's Husband (Jan 3, 2022)

TXTrini said:


> I read the whole thread, including your comments. I have to agree with Deirdre, it seems that you're absolving yourself of questionable behavior by claiming to be a gentleman.


The "gentleman" part is in avoiding making implications about her moral standards


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## hairyhead (Oct 30, 2015)

Julie's Husband said:


> Thank you for sharing from your high moral platform.


You are most welcome.

I don't see anyone else agreeing with your gentleman claim.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Julie's Husband said:


> The "gentleman" part is in avoiding making implications about her moral standards


And here, I thought we were getting somewhere. 😌

I’m confused why you keep telling yourself that? It’s silly to keep that narrative going, even in your mindset.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Julie's Husband said:


> Anyway some time later we were driving somewhere in one of the rare times we socialized and she shared that she was 4 months pregnant and going to get an abortion. She was about 21 or 22.


My first thought was about the young woman, and the trauma she went through. Maybe she told you hoping that you would have some empathy for her plight, maybe ask her if she believed you to be the the father. Hoping maybe you would offer to help her emotionally and/or financially. Who knows, maybe she jumped you hoping to have your child. She was kind to you when no other woman had been. Maybe she was secretly in love with you but you didn't see it.

I guess if living she is now in her late 60s. And she has lived with her reality for all of the decades since. You submerged it and evidently didn't think much about it until undergoing cancer therapy. She has lived it every anniversary of the abortion. The child she might have had but didn't.



Julie's Husband said:


> Like I mentioned this just turned up again as part of dealing with current emotional issues caused by hormone treatment for prostate cancer.


Identify with the emotional issues. I hope the therapy will help you deal with these issues. I am close to your age and a prostate cancer survivor. I would have a very tough time living with guilt of such an event in my youth.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Julie's Husband said:


> The "gentleman" part is in avoiding making implications about her moral standards


Within that narrow context, it makes sense. But even then, the “gentleman” would offer to take responsibility, if it was his. There would not be thoughts regarding her morals but rather what can be done to help. She’s pregnant. Her feeling her reputation is being questioned by you was the least of her worries.

What did you learn from this encounter? How different were things with your next intimate experience? What does your wife think about how things went down with your “first?” Kind of trying to figure out why this is coming out now.


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## Julie's Husband (Jan 3, 2022)

Rus47 said:


> My first thought was about the young woman, and the trauma she went through. Maybe she told you hoping that you would have some empathy for her plight, maybe ask her if she believed you to be the the father. Hoping maybe you would offer to help her emotionally and/or financially. Who knows, maybe she jumped you hoping to have your child. She was kind to you when no other woman had been. Maybe she was secretly in love with you but you didn't see it.
> 
> I guess if living she is now in her late 60s. And she has lived with her reality for all of the decades since. You submerged it and evidently didn't think much about it until undergoing cancer therapy. She has lived it every anniversary of the abortion. The child she might have had but didn't.
> 
> ...


Not likely scenarios. We had conversation at the time she told me she was pregnant. She did not suggest I was the father. She knew all about casual sex and how men function so I wasn't the first. I asked her girl friend why the young lady seduced me and the girl friend told me I should not focus on her, but be open to other women.

I sometimes think I wish I had been the father and had been able to see the child born and grow up. Probably would not have been a practical reality, but I sometimes have a pang of loss.

I doubt she was interested in anything more than casual sex. Two days after I became sexually active my sister in law arranged to put me in bed with one of her friends. I suspect that the very manipulative and controlling sister in law wanted her buddy to be my first and tried to beat the young lady. I don't know what all was going on behind the scenes.

The young lady did marry not long after and is doing very well, living in an upscale community in Southern California. I have no guilt, but am not happy with the fact that I was too new to the game and just didn't have the skills to handle it as well as I would have liked.


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## Julie's Husband (Jan 3, 2022)

Casual Observer said:


> Within that narrow context, it makes sense. But even then, the “gentleman” would offer to take responsibility, if it was his. There would not be thoughts regarding her morals but rather what can be done to help. She’s pregnant. Her feeling her reputation is being questioned by you was the least of her worries.
> 
> What did you learn from this encounter? How different were things with your next intimate experience? What does your wife think about how things went down with your “first?” Kind of trying to figure out why this is coming out now.


I would have gotten involved if I knew that I was the father or she needed help. She was very street wise and knew how to handle things.

The next two experiences were women wanting casual sex. In both cases it was a matter of two or more women conspiring (?) to get me in bed with one of their buddies for casual sex. That was intimidating for an uptight type like me, but after working with the clinical social worker I can see it as very flattering and laugh about my reactions at the time.

At age 30 I learned from these experiences that I was badly in need of a bonding relationship now that I realized women actually wanted to be with me. I began spending time with a co worker. We talked and talked and talked. I made sure that sex was not part of our relationship, but learned later that she would have been good with sex as a part of it. We lived together for a little over a year and have now been married for 44 years.

I tell my wife she is my safe harbor.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Julie's Husband said:


> Ever have a moment like this?
> 
> I was virgin up until a month before my 30th birthday. A young lady who knew I was virgin finagled to get me into her hotel room and have her way with me. Lady's choice.
> 
> ...





Julie's Husband said:


> The "gentleman" part is in avoiding making implications about her moral standards



🙄......🤭.....😕....😂...🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣..😟

Wow! You were 30 for gor'sake!!! Yet you think that you were being a gentleman for not questioning her moral standards, which coincided with yours (lest you're a hypocrite) since you had sex with her out of wedlock yada yada.

All while you eschewed being an adult in the first place regarding contraception, and avoiding doing some more adulting by enquiring as to your own responsibility in this.

All of which didn't and doesn't make your behaviour that of a gentleman at all, and nor did your behaviour look like that of a responsible adult either, or anything else even slightly resembling any of those things.

And geez Louise! Even when I was 18 I was adulting more than you. Like when my then friend with benefits (ex-girlfriend), told me she was going to have an abortion because she was pregnant. I stepped up to the plate and took responsibity on my own, so that we got married and had that child together. Oh and we used contraceptives from day 1, and in the early days it was condoms, and then it was the pill after that.


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## Julie's Husband (Jan 3, 2022)

Personal said:


> 🙄......🤭.....😕....😂...🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣..😟
> 
> Wow! You were 30 for gor'sake!!! Yet you think that you were being a gentleman for not questioning her moral standards, which coincided with yours (lest you're a hypocrite) since you had sex with her out of wedlock yada yada.
> 
> ...


So did you have something constructive to offer or just want attention? Your comments sound like you live in a bubble without much awareness of how others think and feel.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Julie's Husband said:


> So did you have something constructive to offer or just want attention? Your comments sound like you live in a bubble without much awareness of how others think and feel.


Uh huh, 🤣 🤣 🤣. Meanwhile...



hairyhead said:


> A real gentleman and, Indeed, a real man would have stepped to the mark. He would have spoken to her indicating he recognised he could be the father and offering her support.
> 
> The word "coward" has been used in another post......





TXTrini said:


> I read the whole thread, including your comments. I have to agree with Deirdre, it seems that you're absolving yourself of questionable behavior by claiming to be a gentleman.





*Deidre* said:


> And here, I thought we were getting somewhere. 😌
> 
> I’m confused why you keep telling yourself that? It’s silly to keep that narrative going, even in your mindset.


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## Julie's Husband (Jan 3, 2022)

Personal said:


> Uh huh, 🤣 🤣 🤣. Meanwhile...


I'll leave you to the pleasure of talking to yourself. I know you'll enjoy it.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Julie's Husband said:


> Sort of tongue in cheek that I thought it would be ungentlemanly to suggest she was sleeping around (she was, of course) by having to ask whether I was the father. She didn't make any suggestion that I might be the father.
> 
> I was and am very inhibited and the idea that a woman would initiate sex really shocked / confused me. I was painfully shy and nerdy and had no experience socializing with women, no inkling of how people interact when having sex. No way I would be planning ahead.


Did the pregnancy line up with you having sex with her?
If so, YOU should have spoken with her about this -- are you ok that she aborted YOUR child?


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

@Julie's Husband - what would you like us to understand about this situation? It seems that no matter what viewpoint we offer, you tell us that we have it wrong.


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## Julie's Husband (Jan 3, 2022)

jlg07 said:


> Did the pregnancy line up with you having sex with her?
> If so, YOU should have spoken with her about this -- are you ok that she aborted YOUR child?


We did have conversation and she did not say whose child it was. You might like to read through the thread as I've answered some of this.


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## Julie's Husband (Jan 3, 2022)

*Deidre* said:


> @Julie's Husband - what would you like us to understand about this situation? It seems that no matter what viewpoint we offer, you tell us that we have it wrong.


I don't think I'm telling you you are wrong. You have had good comments and I thanked you for that.

My original question was quite simple: have others been in a similar situation and how did they deal with it.

You are not wrong, I am just not coming from the same background.I had and still do have some real hangups and inhibitions that make it difficult to deal with situations you would consider routine. Someone recently suggested I might be on the autism spectrum. I doubt it, but it is a good analogy in some ways.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Did you ask Julie?


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Julie's Husband said:


> I don't think I'm telling you you are wrong. You have had good comments and I thanked you for that.
> 
> My original question was quite simple: have others been in a similar situation and how did they deal with it.
> 
> You are not wrong, I am just not coming from the same background.I had and still do have some real hangups and inhibitions that make it difficult to deal with situations you would consider routine. Someone recently suggested I might be on the autism spectrum. I doubt it, but it is a good analogy in some ways.


Okay, thanks for clarifying. Looking back with all you know now (and the advice in this thread) would you have done things differently if you could go back?


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## Julie's Husband (Jan 3, 2022)

In Absentia said:


> Did you ask Julie?



???


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## Julie's Husband (Jan 3, 2022)

*Deidre* said:


> Okay, thanks for clarifying. Looking back with all you know now (and the advice in this thread) would you have done things differently if you could go back?


Not as the person I was at the time. I still had a lot to learn.

At the time I did not understand that casual sex was a norm and that was the barrier. Now I probably would realize that bringing up the fact that she was having casual sex is not an issue.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Julie's Husband said:


> ???


Your wife Julie for an opinion?


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Julie's Husband said:


> Not as the person I was at the time. I still had a lot to learn.
> 
> At the time I did not understand that casual sex was a norm and that was the barrier. Now I probably would realize that bringing up the fact that she was having casual sex is not an issue.


When you say you didn’t realize casual sex was the norm… you realize you did grow up in the 60’s right? The era that was pretty much defined by two things in the US. The Vietnam War & Free Love/the so-called Sexual Revolution. Ok, civil rights too. You’d have to have lived under a rock to not know about casual sex.

So where were you?


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## Julie's Husband (Jan 3, 2022)

Casual Observer said:


> What does your wife think about how things went down with your “first?”


She's had her own interesting history. We've only just recently shared all this when talking about how the treatment I would be having for prostate cancer would affect our sexual relationship. I still had the hangups when we were getting to know each other, with the "don't touch" being the most obvious to her.


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## Julie's Husband (Jan 3, 2022)

Casual Observer said:


> When you say you didn’t realize casual sex was the norm… you realize you did grow up in the 60’s right? The era that was pretty much defined by two things in the US. The Vietnam War & Free Love/the so-called Sexual Revolution. Ok, civil rights too. You’d have to have lived under a rock to not know about casual sex.
> 
> So where were you?


Yes, but that was not in my world. I was very much an outsider and observer.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Julie's Husband said:


> Not as the person I was at the time. I still had a lot to learn.
> 
> At the time I did not understand that casual sex was a norm and that was the barrier. Now I probably would realize that bringing up the fact that she was having casual sex is not an issue.


So, you still don’t see that whether or not she was having “casual sex,” isn’t really the issue? After all these years, I would think you’d see things differently. Not judging, just confused as to why you think your mistake is still around how you didn’t realize casual sex was the norm.


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## Julie's Husband (Jan 3, 2022)

*Deidre* said:


> So, you still don’t see that whether or not she was having “casual sex,” isn’t really the issue? After all these years, I would think you’d see things differently. Not judging, just confused as to why you think your mistake is still around how you didn’t realize casual sex was the norm.


I think I'm saying that I do now realize that was just an issue for me and not for her. Given that, I would have asked who the father was.

I understand now that probably most people are good with casual sex, but still have not internalized it. My wife was. It would be interesting to know how my wife felt about the long "dry spell" when we were spending time together before we first made love.


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## Julie's Husband (Jan 3, 2022)

In Absentia said:


> Your wife Julie for an opinion?


No, this was all just recently resurrected and she has her plate full for now.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Julie's Husband said:


> I think I'm saying that I do now realize that was just an issue for me and not for her. Given that, I would have asked who the father was.
> 
> I understand now that probably most people are good with casual sex, but still have not internalized it. My wife was. It would be interesting to know how my wife felt about the long "dry spell" when we were spending time together before we first made love.


That makes a lot more sense, now. I hope you can work through these issues.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

You are an OK dude in my book.

That said, most men would have insisted on a rubber.

You were not like most men back then, (in ~1975), but, you were not ever the bad guy.

Naive', oh yeah!

I cannot understand the beating you are getting.

A nerd is a nerd, not so, always a turd.
As some here, so think..



_Lilith-_


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Casual Observer said:


> When you say you didn’t realize casual sex was the norm… you realize you did grow up in the 60’s right? The era that was pretty much defined by two things in the US. The Vietnam War & Free Love/the so-called Sexual Revolution. Ok, civil rights too. You’d have to have lived under a rock to not know about casual sex.
> 
> So where were you?


I 'grew up' in the 60s, am @Julie's Husband age. While didn't participate in 'Free' love, was certainly fully aware of the possibilities. I will say that at least in the lower-middle class neighborhood grew up and went to HS in, things weren't nearly as wild and wooly as in some other areas ( Haight Ashbury for example ). And most of us were terrified of getting a girl "knocked up", so avoided getting in situations even remotely like @Julie's Husband allowed himself to be in ( in a hotel in bed with a naked woman, we ALL knew where that would unavoidably go) We had girls in HS who got pregnant and continued school until and after delivery, and knew the circumstances so there was visual realtime confirmation of our terror. Most of the girls we dated protected themselves and would never allow things to progress anywhere near that far. Now I am talking teenage HS student here. 

By time was 30, was married with four kids, mortgage, car note, and owned some stocks.


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## Julie's Husband (Jan 3, 2022)

SunCMars said:


> You are an OK dude in my book.
> 
> That said, most men would have insisted on a rubber.
> 
> ...


You got it. Naive in spades.


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## Julie's Husband (Jan 3, 2022)

Rus47 said:


> I 'grew up' in the 60s, am @Julie's Husband age. While didn't participate in 'Free' love, was certainly fully aware of the possibilities. I will say that at least in the lower-middle class neighborhood grew up and went to HS in, things weren't nearly as wild and wooly as in some other areas ( Haight Ashbury for example ). And most of us were terrified of getting a girl "knocked up", so avoided getting in situations even remotely like @Julie's Husband allowed himself to be in ( in a hotel in bed with a naked woman, we ALL knew where that would unavoidably go) We had girls in HS who got pregnant and continued school until and after delivery, and knew the circumstances so there was visual realtime confirmation of our terror. Most of the girls we dated protected themselves and would never allow things to progress anywhere near that far. Now I am talking teenage HS student here.
> 
> By time was 30, was married with four kids, mortgage, car note, and owned some stocks.


Yeah, the suburbs were still the suburbs. I hung around Hippie types in Big Sur and Carmel in 1967 while studying Mandarin Chinese at the Defense Language Institute on Monterey Presidio, but saw them as a different lifestyle. 

I expected some of the girls in High School 60s were okay with casual sex, but they were hanging out with the "soshes" (social types) and jocks. I was in the science building putting rockets together. There were no common points between those two worlds. 

I'd been in the Air Force, come home to my mother dying of ovarian cancer and my father following two years later, extended family dissolving. At age 29 I was still trying to put it all back together. The young lady was probably the best thing that could have happened. Just too bad I hadn't matured enough to deal with it. Without her I don't know whether I could have opened up enough to get to know my wife and marry.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I don’t have a similar experience and therefore nothing to offer. But after reading your thread, I still don’t understand why you didn’t ask if the baby was yours, and don’t understand why even now you didn’t ask if it were yours?

Also, I have never experienced women trying to get me in bed with their friends. You must have been some impossibly handsome dude in order for that to happen, and even then, strange.

Apparently I am a little jealous it didn’t happen to me!😂

if someone did have a similar experience, what would you want to know from them?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Some people need to understand that looking back at the world of 1975 with 2022 glasses is a fool's errand. 

Some males are naïve and might make a good target for a young lady who wanted to score a male virgin. 

Oh, by the way. Calling people a troll is against the rules, so quit it.


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## Julie's Husband (Jan 3, 2022)

Evinrude58 said:


> Also, I have never experienced women trying to get me in bed with their friends. You must have been some impossibly handsome dude in order for that to happen, and even then, strange.
> 
> Apparently I am a little jealous it didn’t happen to me!😂
> 
> if someone did have a similar experience, what would you want to know from them?


Strange is right. That's why it's come up in conversation with my shrink as we work through current problems.

I'm pretty sure my looks had nothing to do with it. My sister's boyfriend played keyboards in a nice cover band. The young lady was the singer for the band. Everyone knew everyone.

I think the young lady was just curious about sleeping with a virgin.

My psycho manipulator and controlling sister in law possibly wanted to have her friend be the first. She arranged a blind hookup without giving me any notice up front. I was going to show her and my brother around Carmel and the sister in law made motel arrangements. At the last moment I learned that sister in law's buddy and I had the same room.

The other woman was a really weird situation. I told a co worker what had happened. He was not believing so had his girl friend set up a blind hookup to "see what you've got." She was supposed to spend the night with me and report back to the co worker and girlfriend.

By now I understood that women sometimes like casual sex, but the idea that a woman was going to have sex with me sight unseen to check my performance was a bit much. I was irked with the co worker so I consented. The woman and I worked swing so I picked her up and took her to a restaurant on a hill a nearby to find out if she was actually in on this.

The thing that is really weird and still has me scratching my head is the next morning. As I was leaving I saw myself in a mirror and saw I was all disheveled. I jokingly asked the woman what her neighbors were going to think seeing a disheveled stranger leaving her apartment. Her response was, "That you got what you deserved."

The co worker never did tell me what she reported back.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Stuff like this happened in the 1970s. They were way different times. Way different. Even in jolly old Britain.


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## Julie's Husband (Jan 3, 2022)

Evinrude58 said:


> I don’t have a similar experience and therefore nothing to offer. But after reading your thread, I still don’t understand why you didn’t ask if the baby was yours, and don’t understand why even now you didn’t ask if it were yours?
> 
> if someone did have a similar experience, what would you want to know from them?


We are no longer in contact and she is married so I would not bring it up.

Just curious how other men would handle being told by a sexual partner that she is pregnant knowing she's had other partners as well.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Julie's Husband said:


> We are no longer in contact and she is married so I would not bring it up.
> 
> Just curious how other men would handle being told by a sexual partner that she is pregnant knowing she's had other partners as well.


I think I would have asked if it was mine.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Julie's Husband said:


> Just curious how other men would handle being told by a sexual partner that she is pregnant knowing she's had other partners as well.


Well when it happened to me at 18, I didn't do what you did at 30. So instead I acted responsibly like a proper adult and gentleman.



Personal said:


> I stepped up to the plate and took responsibity on my own, so that we got married and had that child together.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

MattMatt said:


> Stuff like this happened in the 1970s. They were way different times. Way different. Even in jolly old Britain.


Don't you think this same and more is even more common today? My 20 something female relatives use Tinder all of the time I could easily imagine one of them thinking it some sort of challenge to bed a 30 something virgin, especially if he had attractive attributes of one sort or another. Probably chatter back and forth on social media with their friends about the plan, the hunt, the capture, collecting the pelt, and how well the mark performed in the sack.


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## Julie's Husband (Jan 3, 2022)

Rus47 said:


> ...especially if he had attractive attributes of one sort or another. Probably chatter back and forth on social media with their friends about the plan, the hunt, the capture, collecting the pelt, and how well the mark performed in the sack.


That's sort of how I see it after talking with the shrink. Very flattering to be the target and subject of girl talk. For a shy, nerdy type like me that thought is pretty heady stuff.

I'm not sure whether my sister in law was more interested in who I slept with or learning whether I have multiple orgasms like her husband, my brother. The date arranged by the co worker's girlfriend was to learn whether I have multiple orgasms.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I’d have wanted to know if it was mine. If she said yes, I’d be skeptical. I’d wish there was a test secretly, but if she said it was mine, I’d try to figure out what to do.
I’m against abortion for birth control purposes, but I can’t say I’d put a lot of effort into talking her out of it if she wanted to do that. But it would bother me the rest of my life. I don’t know what I’d do, but I know I’d have asked if she thought I was the father. I’d hope she would say no.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Julie's Husband said:


> That's sort of how I see it after talking with the shrink. Very flattering to be the target and subject of girl talk. For a shy, nerdy type like me that thought is pretty heady stuff.
> 
> I'm not sure whether my sister in law was more interested in who I slept with or learning whether I have multiple orgasms like her husband, my brother. The date arranged by the co worker's girlfriend was to learn whether I have multiple orgasms.


Oh, I forgot who you are. Now it all makes sense. Back to the multiple orgasms.
Why she would care what her boyfriends brother is like in bed is bizarre. As is the whole story.


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## Julie's Husband (Jan 3, 2022)

Evinrude58 said:


> Oh, I forgot who you are. Now it all makes sense. Back to the multiple orgasms.
> Why she would care what her boyfriends brother is like in bed is bizarre. As is the whole story.


Yes, it was pretty bizarre. It really messed my mind up. That's why I tell my wife she is my safe harbor from the craziness.

My sister in law was a real in-your-face type. No boundaries, in everyone's business. That is why, for whichever reason, she arranged the surprise blind hookup. My brother has multiple orgasms and during some conversation that she, her friend, my brother and I had later she mentioned an interest in knowing whether it is a family trait.


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