# Need a man's opinion



## Sweet Ginger (Mar 25, 2013)

I have not been on here for awhile. My question is to the men out there. My story is posted on here. To sum it up. My WH cheated on me with a coke ***** and had an EA with a women at his work. I'm sure that there are others that I don't know about. 
Anyway here is my question. We are working on R and I need to know if he is still cheating. I placed VAR in his truck to see if I can trust him. 
He talks to himself a lot. So I hear him say, "dam she is hot" um, I would like to f*ck the **** out of her". Since I didn't want to reveal my source I told him that I heard him say it via his phone. I told him he must not of disconnected the call to me. He is not tech savvy at all. He told me he saw a women in the store he was in and thought she was cute and that is what every man says to their self when out of earshot of the woman.
Is this normal men behavior? Just need to know.


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## someone90 (May 31, 2013)

Sweet Ginger said:


> I have not been on here for awhile. My question is to the men out there. My story is posted on here. To sum it up. My WH cheated on me with a coke ***** and had an EA with a women at his work. I'm sure that there are others that I don't know about.
> Anyway here is my question. We are working on R and I need to know if he is still cheating. I placed VAR in his truck to see if I can trust him.
> He talks to himself a lot. So I hear him say, "dam she is hot" um, I would like to f*ck the **** out of her". Since I didn't want to reveal my source I told him that I heard him say it via his phone. I told him he must not of disconnected the call to me. He is not tech savvy at all. He told me he say a women in the store he was in and thought she was cute and that is what every man says to their self when out of earshot of the woman.
> Is this normal men behavior? Just need to know.


This is not normal behavior for a normal spouse who doesn't cheat. However, It sounds very normal for your husband since he doesn't care about being faithful to you.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

I think if any man says he doesn't even at least think it, he's lying. HOWEVER, a man of integrity will never act upon it.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Never said that aloud to myself... or anything else for that matter. I'd be concerned about talking to himself - does he do that around the house too?

Something smells here.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

I think stuff like that. I probably don't say it aloud normally. I would say in context of your husband already being a cheater, it's suspicious.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Sometimes I may think something, but that does not mean that I will act on it, or say it out loud. 

Sometimes I can see someone attractive, but that does not mean I would do anything about it. I am not dead, but I do have morals.

If he was with friends, sometimes friends talk big, but by himself?


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Sweet Ginger said:


> I have not been on here for awhile. My question is to the men out there. My story is posted on here. To sum it up. My WH cheated on me with a coke ***** and had an EA with a women at his work. I'm sure that there are others that I don't know about.
> Anyway here is my question. We are working on R and I need to know if he is still cheating. I placed VAR in his truck to see if I can trust him.
> He talks to himself a lot. So I hear him say, "dam she is hot" um, I would like to f*ck the **** out of her". Since I didn't want to reveal my source I told him that I heard him say it via his phone. I told him he must not of disconnected the call to me. He is not tech savvy at all. He told me he saw a women in the store he was in and thought she was cute and that is what every man says to their self when out of earshot of the woman.
> Is this normal men behavior? Just need to know.


Even men who are married (in my case 40 years) and are totally committed and faithful to their wife can appreciate a beautiful woman. However, talking to yourself and saying stuff out loud is not what I would consider a normal behavior.

In my case this type of behavior became an issue for me when our daughter and my wife would watch TV together and they would comment to each other about how "hot" an actor was or what a great body he had. To tell the truth that did make me uncomfortable although I did not show it until my wife started the same type of thing when we were alone together. Now that did piss me off. I started commenting on the "rack" and body parts of some of the female actors - wife got the message fairly fast.


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## shaung (Mar 18, 2011)

It's pretty normal. The talking to himself part is a tad odd, but the thoughts are normal.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

In my 52 years I've only said something out loud like that maybe twice.

Thinking a woman is hot might happen daily or weekly depending on how much one is in public. Taking it from noticing a woman is beautiful to actually thinking about being naked with her is much less common.

I don't think your H is predisposed to monogamy.


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## remorseful strayer (Nov 13, 2012)

Sweet Ginger said:


> I have not been on here for awhile. My question is to the men out there. My story is posted on here. To sum it up. My WH cheated on me with a coke ***** and had an EA with a women at his work. I'm sure that there are others that I don't know about.
> Anyway here is my question. We are working on R and I need to know if he is still cheating. I placed VAR in his truck to see if I can trust him.
> He talks to himself a lot. So I hear him say, "dam she is hot" um, I would like to f*ck the **** out of her". Since I didn't want to reveal my source I told him that I heard him say it via his phone. I told him he must not of disconnected the call to me. He is not tech savvy at all. He told me he saw a women in the store he was in and thought she was cute and that is what every man says to their self when out of earshot of the woman.
> Is this normal men behavior? Just need to know.



You already mentioned that he talks to himself a lot. So, for him verbalizing his thoughts may be normal albeit a bit crude the way he phrases it. 

If he doesn't do this in front of you it's likely normal.


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## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

I tend to think it is very normal behavor...though under the circumstances with his history, I would be concerned as well.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Since he verbalized it, you know he's thinking it. If he's thinking it, along with his past history - I think that constitutes a red flag.


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## Sweet Ginger (Mar 25, 2013)

walkonmars said:


> Never said that aloud to myself... or anything else for that matter. I'd be concerned about talking to himself - does he do that around the house too?
> 
> Something smells here.


Yes he does do it around the house. It is usually when he is mad and in a room by himself. And it usually involves the "f" word.


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## Sweet Ginger (Mar 25, 2013)

Thor said:


> In my 52 years I've only said something out loud like that maybe twice.
> 
> Thinking a woman is hot might happen daily or weekly depending on how much one is in public. Taking it from noticing a woman is beautiful to actually thinking about being naked with her is much less common.
> 
> I don't think your H is predisposed to monogamy.


So if you see a beautiful woman you would be thinking, wow that women is beautiful, hot or whatever. But you do no visualize yourself being naked with her? My husband tells me he has had these thoughts about the 80 year neighbor lady that uses a walker. He said it is a fleeting thought that is there for just a second about what it would be like to have sex with her.


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

I think most "normal faithful men" would and do take notice of OW, and if they are scantily dressed or are just an unbelievable looker, we would not say or think much and certainly not say anything out loud. I think most if they say a woman that is a complete knock out most say something to themselves like omg, or holy sh**, or wow, but very few I think go as far as to be juvenile about it and say things like you explained your H is saying.
He just sounds like a pig IMO.


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## Sweet Ginger (Mar 25, 2013)

Thank you for your replies. I guess what my husband is doing is somewhat normal but with his history I should still keep an eye on him.


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## remorseful strayer (Nov 13, 2012)

Sweet Ginger said:


> So if you see a beautiful woman you would be thinking, wow that women is beautiful, hot or whatever. But you do no visualize yourself being naked with her? My husband tells me he has had these thoughts about the 80 year neighbor lady that uses a walker. He said it is a fleeting thought that is there for just a second about what it would be like to have sex with her.


Does your husband view a lot of porn, or go to men's clubs regularly?

If so, he may have a sex addiction. Address it, pronto, with a qualified sex addiction counselor.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

I agree with a lot of the other posters here in that I do find women attractive and may even fancy doing more. However voicing it out aloud and in such graphic terms would appear to be abnormal depending on his upbringing/background. Personally if I heard some guy saying that out loud, I would either think mentally disturbed or I'd be looking for that extra Y chromosome that encourages aggressive criminal behaviour.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Sweet Ginger said:


> ...My husband tells me he has had these thoughts about the 80 year neighbor lady that uses a walker. He said it is a fleeting thought that is there for just a second about what it would be like to have sex with her.


Advise your 80 y/o neighbor lady to keep her shotgun loaded and her doors locked when she sees your H drive up.

And I'm not kidding. not at all. For cryin' out loud.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Say that with friends. Yep
To myself. Nope

Yes Im a pig. ALL me are. Some just wont admit it.
No I have never so much as kissed another woman since before exclusivity was agreed upon.

Were you the one whos pictures got leaked by the her husband?


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Sweet Ginger said:


> So if you see a beautiful woman you would be thinking, wow that women is beautiful, hot or whatever. But you do no visualize yourself being naked with her? My husband tells me he has had these thoughts about the 80 year neighbor lady that uses a walker. He said it is a fleeting thought that is there for just a second about what it would be like to have sex with her.


A woman can be beautiful. A woman can be sexy. The two are not the same. Seeing a sexy woman does incite fleeting thoughts of sex, but they are not serious. And they are not of the "I wish I could have sex with her" kind of thoughts.

To me, the words in his statements are not the kinds of thoughts I have. I might think "She is sexy" but I don't think "I would like to f the s out of her".


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

I have certainly had and still have those thoughts myself. However, while married, I never acted on thoughts like that.


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## Sweet Ginger (Mar 25, 2013)

remorseful strayer said:


> Does your husband view a lot of porn, or go to men's clubs regularly?
> 
> If so, he may have a sex addiction. Address it, pronto, with a qualified sex addiction counselor.


He does not view porn. I am sure he would if he knew his way around on the computer. And he also does not go to men's clubs. But I would not be surprised if he had an addiction, as he is an alcoholic.


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## Sweet Ginger (Mar 25, 2013)

manfromlamancha said:


> I agree with a lot of the other posters here in that I do find women attractive and may even fancy doing more. However voicing it out aloud and in such graphic terms would appear to be abnormal depending on his upbringing/background. Personally if I heard some guy saying that out loud, I would either think mentally disturbed or I'd be looking for that extra Y chromosome that encourages aggressive criminal behaviour.


He never talks about his childhood and both of his parents have passed away. I only knew his mom, who talked about taking her family to church a lot when they were young.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Ginger - I know you posted this for male opinion and I apologize for butting in, but in all fairness you should give some background about your WH's unusual tendency to blurt out alarming and inappropriate information. Your original thread was filled with incidences like that.


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## Sweet Ginger (Mar 25, 2013)

weightlifter said:


> Say that with friends. Yep
> To myself. Nope
> 
> Yes Im a pig. ALL me are. Some just wont admit it.
> ...


I am not the one whose pictures got leaked by her husband.


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## PappyJack (Nov 1, 2013)

Just on the talking to himself, Um, I guess I'm abnormal as I talk to myself it the garage all the time.

Mostly I'm talking to the dog (who almost never answers...) but yeah, I started talking to myself when I was about 45, then did it more after 50. It helps you focus.
Normal for seniors, especially if they are alone a lot, or if they need to pay close attention.
Look up blood flow in the brain after middle age and you will see why it works. Also why you start to forget things when you walk through a doorway after 50...


On the 'do any woman thing' yeah, he was just being honest, something most men won't be, ever.

Almost any guy has sexual thoughts about almost any woman.
We are hardwired to do that. 

Guys who have been beaten down, beta-sized or controlled by woman probably don't dare think about sex with woman as much, but men with testosterone think about sex virtually all the time.

Still, since he has been DOING something about sex... Yeah worry, but not about his wandering mouth.


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## Sweet Ginger (Mar 25, 2013)

alte Dame said:


> Ginger - I know you posted this for male opinion and I apologize for butting in, but in all fairness you should give some background about your WH's unusual tendency to blurt out alarming and inappropriate information. Your original thread was filled with incidences like that.


No problem and you are not butting in. I guess I wanted to keep it short but I probably should have included some of those things. So since you know my posts, do you think I should think of this as a red flag or just another one of his crazy things?


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I think it's just another of his crazy outbursts. It doesn't sound like there was any follow-up or connection made with the woman. Keep listening, though. That's smart given what he's done, in my opinion.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

Sweet Ginger, To answer your question of
"So if you see a beautiful woman you would be thinking, wow that women is beautiful, hot or whatever. But you do no visualize yourself being naked with her?"

Without being in serious R , If I see a very attractive sexual woman I immediately stare for a moment. There is something about an attractive sexual woman that moves me inside. I do not carry it further and visualize myself being naked with her although I may at other times visualize her being naked. I only think about her for maybe a minute or two. If she comes to me in a dream or something like that then maybe I will think about her in a sexual way for a much longer time.

I do not think that your husband saying he wants to bang her is the biggest problem. T*he biggest problems that I see is that your husband has cheated on you several times, is an alcoholic, and is not real serious about R*. If he is serious about R and knows the pain that betrayal can do he would not have said , "dam she is hot" um, I would like to f*ck the **** out of her". When you are in serious R you are very sensitive about sexual images and thoughts and are remorseful for your betrayal.


Bottom line for me is this:
Your husband is not real serious about R and has a perverted sense of sexuality. For me to think about being naked with an 80 year old woman is perverted unless you are 80 also.


I think that you have at least two serious problems. One is that your husband is an alcoholic and the second is that he is not real serious about R. *I think you will be taking a serious risk to your emotional health by trusting this man in his current state.*


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## Sweet Ginger (Mar 25, 2013)

Mr Blunt said:


> Sweet Ginger, To answer your question of
> "So if you see a beautiful woman you would be thinking, wow that women is beautiful, hot or whatever. But you do no visualize yourself being naked with her?"
> 
> Without being in serious R , If I see a very attractive sexual woman I immediately stare for a moment. There is something about an attractive sexual woman that moves me inside. I do not carry it further and visualize myself being naked with her although I may at other times visualize her being naked. I only think about her for maybe a minute or two. If she comes to me in a dream or something like that then maybe I will think about her in a sexual way for a much longer time.
> ...


Thank you Mr. Blunt,
What you are saying makes a lot of sense to me. Thanks for responding. I have always been a very trusting wife and now I second guess everything he does. He tells me he is done having affairs and he is sorry and blah blah blah.. I can honestly say I can't picture myself ever really trusting him again. And now I am wondering if you can really live with someone that you don't trust?


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

Sweet Ginger said:


> Thank you Mr. Blunt,
> What you are saying makes a lot of sense to me. Thanks for responding. I have always been a very trusting wife and now I second guess everything he does. He tells me he is done having affairs and he is sorry and blah blah blah.. I can honestly say I can't picture myself ever really trusting him again. And now I am wondering if you can really live with someone that you don't trust?


You can, I assure you. Can't trust my 7 year old at all, (told me last night he did not have candy, but he did). live with him every day.


Spouses...No not IMO. People will all eventually do or say something that makes trust hard, but good relationship fix these leaks and are done with them forever. Your H, is habitual from what I can tell. Plainly selfish people, are just that. They are typically good at faking because letting on you are this way is not looked kindly upon. So, you are right to try, you are right to check on him as much as you want/need, IMO he will do it again. Just my opinion though, I hope I am wrong.


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## Sweet Ginger (Mar 25, 2013)

nogutsnoglory said:


> You can, I assure you. Can't trust my 7 year old at all, (told me last night he did not have candy, but he did). live with him every day.
> 
> 
> Spouses...No not IMO. People will all eventually do or say something that makes trust hard, but good relationship fix these leaks and are done with them forever. Your H, is habitual from what I can tell. Plainly selfish people, are just that. They are typically good at faking because letting on you are this way is not looked kindly upon. So, you are right to try, you are right to check on him as much as you want/need, IMO he will do it again. Just my opinion though, I hope I am wrong.


I hope you are wrong also. My wish is to catch him doing something that he can not explain away with, "you are being over sensitive, this is what all men do, believe me."


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## badcompany (Aug 4, 2010)

Ginger, with his history I understand your concern.
I'll admit to some thoughts or "windows up" talking to myself if I see something hot, but I wouldn't act on it.


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

okey, if you are asking if we thought about how hot other women are, and having sex with them even if we are faithful, yes we do that.

there is another thread, I read long ago (i don't remember the name) of a woman asking how faithful men do to remain faithful, almost all answered, that they don't allow themselves in risky or tempting situations because the don't trust themselves under certain circunatances.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

First of all your husband sounds kind of strange.
Secondly, I am in absolute horndog and I think women are hot all the time, I might even say to myself, wow she is hot or nice butt. I personally never allow myself to think about having sex with another woman. I would certainly never say loud I want to F another woman. I also speak with I respectfully when I'm around anyone or my wife. She is the only person I want to F. And boy do I ever love f ing her!!!
As a matter of fact what the hell am I doing here?
LOL. Anyways his mind should seriously be examined. If he has stray thoughts about old women.....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sudra (Oct 16, 2013)

I'm with Mr. Blunt. Even if he is not currently cheating, his comments to himself show a very sexualized way of thinking. I cannot imagine if he were working to change that he would make these type of comments even to himself.

It's a distorted view of women, it's objectifying them. It's not healthy thinking.

I'm VERY surprised he's not into porn. I'd have bet money on it. 

Be very careful of this man.


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## Sweet Ginger (Mar 25, 2013)

Sudra said:


> I'm with Mr. Blunt. Even if he is not currently cheating, his comments to himself show a very sexualized way of thinking. I cannot imagine if he were working to change that he would make these type of comments even to himself.
> 
> It's a distorted view of women, it's objectifying them. It's not healthy thinking.
> 
> ...


The MC wondered if he maybe really doesn't like women and that is why he treats them this way. The only reason he doesn't look at porn is because he doesn't know much about the computer unless me or the kids help him. The MC even said it is good that he is not on the computer, otherwise that would be another problem.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

manticore said:


> okey, if you are asking if we thought about how hot other women are, and having sex with them even if we are faithful, yes we do that.
> 
> there is another thread, I read long ago (i don't remember the name) of a woman asking how faithful men do to remain faithful, almost all answered, that they don't allow themselves in risky or tempting situations because the don't trust themselves under certain circunatances.


BAM! This. I avoid alone contact with any doable women even emailing. Faithful since year 2000 exclusivity.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Perhaps you husband can't subvocalise?


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> And now I am wondering if you can really live with someone that you don't trust?


You can live with someone you do not trust but it will be a very sub-par relationship and very unfulfilling. You can live with them out of desperation but that is a pitiful way to compromise.

*Trust and respect is at the heart of real love*. There are other qualities of real love but trust and respect are necessary for a deep relationship.

*I would suggest that you start building yourself up in every way that you can*. You cannot afford to put your emotional health in the hands of your husband; he has already shown you what he can do to you and does not appear to be real serious about R.

I would also suggest that you do not put much effort or time into your husband’s life right now. *You need to concentrate on only you and your children so that you can become even stronger.* This plan will work for you no matter which way the marriage goes. If your marriage breaks up you will be better able to handle the fallout. If he changes and you put together a much richer relationship you will be able to add even more to the marriage by you being built up. It is a win-win plan. Yes it is hard to do but millions have done it and so can you.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

Butting in here too Ginger being a girl. Wouldn't be so concerned about the verbalising it as much as using 'f' word rather than 'hot' etc. Kinda takes it to the next level. Also does he do it a lot or was it just the one off? 
You asked about living with someone you don't trust. To me it seems you'll have to have this guy VAR'd as long as you are with him. I would.


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## Sweet Ginger (Mar 25, 2013)

Mr Blunt said:


> You can live with someone you do not trust but it will be a very sub-par relationship and very unfulfilling. You can live with them out of desperation but that is a pitiful way to compromise.
> 
> *Trust and respect is at the heart of real love*. There are other qualities of real love but trust and respect are necessary for a deep relationship.
> 
> ...


 Thanks for this info. You have a common sense, level headed way of thinking. I so agree with the respect part of a relationship. I do feel like I am not respected at all by my husband.
I worry that my 19 year old son is not going to know how to treat a woman. Luckily I did have him in boy scouts, so he has been around some good role models growing up. I am looking for a good book for my son to read regarding relationships. I am concerned about my daughters also, but my husband never really had a deep father to son talk with him. (Of course maybe it was good that he didn't, hard to say what he would have told him).
I am trying to detach from my husband. We are in MC and I am in a women's group therapy being lead by the same person we go to for MC. I am also on anti-depressants. We have 3 children with 2 being in college and one in high school. I have opened up my own savings account and have been trying to put money in it a little at a time. If you have any other suggestions let me know. Thanks


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## Sweet Ginger (Mar 25, 2013)

********** said:


> Butting in here too Ginger being a girl. Wouldn't be so concerned about the verbalising it as much as using 'f' word rather than 'hot' etc. Kinda takes it to the next level. Also does he do it a lot or was it just the one off?
> You asked about living with someone you don't trust. To me it seems you'll have to have this guy VAR'd as long as you are with him. I would.


 I'm glad you butted in. I did hear him on the VAR one other time and it was a different woman and he did use the "f" word. Since I don't use the VAR everyday it is hard to say how many times he does this in regards to women. 
I do plan to keep using the VAR, that is why I hope he never finds out about it. I just want to catch him doing or saying something that he can not explain away with, "that's how all guys act and talk".


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Look,
EVERY man is effected by the sight of a beautiful woman. We are hardwired and testosterone soaked. Any male poster above he says otherwise is an absolute liar or a eunuch. The idea that your husband has these reactions means he is not serious about recovery is hogwash. If this is your stance, then divorce him and never get married again, because you new husband will have these thoughts also.

The odd thing about your husband is his talking to himself and blurting out what would be socially inappropriately. In the car when he thinks he is alone is not so bad; but is odd.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You say you want to catch him saying something he can't explain away. It sounds like you want a smoking gun to help you make a final decision to leave him. If so, keep the VAR going indefinitely. From your other thread, it was pretty clear that he isn't at all to be trusted and that there is probably more that you don't know.


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## Anuvia (Jul 10, 2013)

badmemory said:


> Since he verbalized it, you know he's thinking it. If he's thinking it, along with his past history - I think that constitutes a red flag.


Convict him for a thought crime.


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## Sweet Ginger (Mar 25, 2013)

alte Dame said:


> You say you want to catch him saying something he can't explain away. It sounds like you want a smoking gun to help you make a final decision to leave him. If so, keep the VAR going indefinitely. From your other thread, it was pretty clear that he isn't at all to be trusted and that there is probably more that you don't know.


Thanks for posting, that is exactly what I am looking for, "a smoking gun". It is hard for me to make a decision when our family is changing so much right now, with our children starting to spread their wings. I guess I will keep monitoring him until he slips up. And I totally agree with you that there is more that I don't know about that he has already done.


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## Sweet Ginger (Mar 25, 2013)

Anuvia said:


> Convict him for a thought crime.


He is not being convicted. I take a "red flag" as a warning sign and something to keep your eye on.


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