# What to do when cheating spouse has a support network?



## Mjollnir (Feb 5, 2012)

Hello, I've been dealing with issues in my marriage now for almost two months. 

If you want the whole long story: After just passing 10 years together (not married 10 years, but since we met), my wife told me that she had feelings for another man. I was devastated. Being a husband and father are among the few things I thought I excelled at - though I know I'm far from perfect. She said, at the time, that our relationship had been strained for a long time - though it was news to me - that we had grown apart and this new guy was just what she wanted. I tried to stay calm and told her if she felt this guy was worth it, then I would stand aside. We didn't separate, because she said she didn't want me to leave. I ended up later having an emotional breakdown. My wife seemed relatively unconcerned. After awhile, I addressed more directly how I felt and told her I wanted to work on our issues and go to counseling. She was reluctant. 

Eventually, the things with this guy broke down. However, she was in a long-distance relationship with another guy. Things, again, broke down with him. Now, she's met someone new, again long-distance, whom she talks to over the internet and by phone. All throughout this, she has constantly said, "I don't know what I want." She won't make a choice. She tells me she doesn't want me to leave, she still wants us to be intimate – but admits she feels guilty about it – and wants to keep this all a secret from everyone, but she doesn't want to stop having relationships with other guys. She admits that it's because it makes her feel good to have these guys attracted to her. They are all younger. 

_*Here's where things get complicated*_: After coming across this site today and reading the great advice about the 180 method and letting go, I'm thinking of giving it a try. The problem is that all of her friends are encouraging her. She spent a long time without any real friends to hang out with, now she has some she spends a lot of time with, and they all facilitate her relationships. She's told me before how they're willing to take her in (although she hasn't mentioned if that includes our 3-year-old child). 

If I try to tell her it's over, to leave, etc. I'm afraid she'll just go running to her friends and they'll treat her like the victim and encourage her. I still love her terribly. I think she's just very confused right now. I want to convince her to go to counseling and possibly therapy, but she's always reluctant because she believes that a counselor will try to change who she is or tell her she is a bad person. 

I realize I've already under-valued myself and probably handled this situation badly. I also realize this may be beyond repair, but I want to get her to counseling and at least try to work on things, without having to wait and see how things end up with her latest boyfriend! But, I don't want to drive her further to a group of people that are encouraging this bad behavior. Any ideas?


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## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

Dude, look after yourself, dont worry about your feelings, if u feel like a piece of cake and you sugar is 220 and your BP is 220, would you have that cake? She's using u for the stability and financial provider u are, or u start a relationship too,


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

Mjollnir- Naming yourself after Thor's hammer is an interesting choice, seeing as how it seems like you're the one getting nailed repeatedly by your wife.

So. Assuming you're a run-of-the-mill beta guy, and not a troll, let's take a crack at things. You have 2 stated objectives.

1) get your wife who has nothing but loathing and contempt for you to counseling, so that, what? She won't loathe you and hold you in contempt? Okay.

2) Keep her away from her friends who encourage her to have relationships with men other than her husband.

Well. There is one small hurdle to achieving either of these goals. Your wife doesn't love you. See, since she doesn't love you, she really could give a **** about you and your feelings. Why should she?

She can go and have sex or emotional affairs with other men. And when those fall apart, well, you're still there for her, ready to rub her feet and tell her how sorry you are.

I think that if push comes to shove, you and your wife will both be surprised how un-supportive her "support network is." While her friends might take her and the 3-year old in for a few days, life is longer than a few days.

But in order to find out, you would have to kick her ass out and see what happens, and from your posting, I don't think you're up for that.

So try this. Do the 180. When your wife notices, if she notices, the changes and starts an argument with you, stick with the 180 and encourage her to move out and go see if the grass is greener. If she leaves, you have your proof that she really doesn't love you. If she leaves and comes back, or backs down on the spot, you'll know that she is an evil, manipulative, unfaithful spouse, and that you made a bad choice of life partners. But she'll still be around, and that seems really important to you.

Good luck to you.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Your wife's network of enabling 'friends' is not something unique with most cheaters, so stop using that as an excuse to not implement successfully *http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/24796-just-let-them-go.html#post306559* and *The 180 degree rules*

Fear is your enemy. Fear enables your wife to continue believing she can continue with her affairs without any consequences. Fear can be conquered if YOU want it. Fear is so unbecoming for the hammer of the Gods.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Regardless of your wishes, your past marriage is over and dead. You can try to rebuild a new one with your wife if you're both willing to try, but you can't do that if she won't commit to it. In my opinion, your only option is to start defining your boundaries and enforce them. Right now, there's no consequences to her actions, so why exactly should she stop what she's doing? All that's happening is she's losing respect for you more and more with each day you roll over and don't stand up for yourself.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## movin on (Jan 24, 2012)

it is unreal how friends can influence someones behavior,i had the same problem and until she gets theese people out of her life you will not be happy


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

You told her if he was worth it you would step aside.You should have stepped aside with divorce papers in your hand,but you enabled her and basically told her you were willing to be her second choice to whatever her flavor of the day is.Truth is,with multiple guys in the picture,you're even farther down the totem pole than second.

Your words "I love her terribly" The reality is she loves you "terribly"

You're aware of what you have to do to have a chance,if that's what you want.Quit *****footing around.Stand up for yourself and get down to business.It's easy for friends to take her side when the going is easy but when you knock her into a new reality you would be surprised how many friends just might want to butt out of her affairs.

Do what you know you need to do...or not.Your choice.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

She's the one cheating and you're allowing her to have all the power. You say you love her terribly but what does that mean when she's bouncing from man to man trying to find Mr right who's clearly isn't you. You don't appear to be an abusive husband, you provide for your family and in general you care about your wife. Now taking all of that she decides to cheat on you, what if things got really bad, is this someone you can trust and depend on that you'd ride through the storm together? 

Who cares about her friends? suppose you kick her out, how long do you suppose those friends will put up with her? She should be the one suggesting all the things you're suggesting if she wants to save this marriage. It's not a 50% endeavour. And don't buy this "confused" nonsense, she's a grown woman making a concious decision. You should've pushed through with the divorce and stood your ground. It would've been a good wake up call.


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## always_hopefull (Aug 11, 2011)

Mjollnir said:


> Hello, I've been dealing with issues in my marriage now for almost two months.
> 
> If you want the whole long story: After just passing 10 years together (not married 10 years, but since we met), my wife told me that she had feelings for another man. I was devastated. Being a husband and father are among the few things I thought I excelled at - though I know I'm far from perfect. She said, at the time, that our relationship had been strained for a long time - though it was news to me - that we had grown apart and this new guy was just what she wanted. I tried to stay calm and told her if she felt this guy was worth it, then I would stand aside. We didn't separate, because she said she didn't want me to leave. I ended up later having an emotional breakdown. My wife seemed relatively unconcerned. After awhile, I addressed more directly how I felt and told her I wanted to work on our issues and go to counseling. She was reluctant.
> 
> ...


Firstly I would like to welcome you to TAM and say that I am sorry you are in this situation. 

Secondly I would like to mention the two bolded parts don't add up to me. Why would she want to keep it secret if everyone will support her decision to cheat? The reason she wants it to be kept secret is so she can continue to cake eat without any consequences. She knows it's wrong or she wouldn't want it to keep it a secret. 

If you want any chance to save your marriage you need to stand up to her and let everyone know about her multiple affairs. You may think it could push her away further but your only other choice, that I see is, for you to accept her behaviour and allow her to continue cake eating. However, one benefit to standing up to her is an increase in your own self respect, believe me if you can't respect yourself, how can she?

Do you have evidence to expose? If not I would recommend VAR and keylogger to help get what you need to expose. Also if you are not recieving IC, you really need to get some. They can be a great help in supporting you through this. Often it is easier for us BS's to stick our heads in the sand and wait for everything to blow over, but from my limited experience it only makes matters worse for us.

Be strong, and come here often. There are many wonderful people here who have lived through similar experiences and can help guide you and support you during this difficult time. She may have a support group, but so do you.


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## Mjollnir (Feb 5, 2012)

always_hopefull,
She doesn't want our families to know. She says it's "none of their business."

She tells some of her friends everything, the others know some. She started telling her friends we are separated immediately after we talked about the first guy, even though we weren't really in anything other than words. She even told some we were getting a divorce, even though we hadn't discussed that. We were still sleeping together. Only this last week did I move all my stuff to my office and start sleeping in there. We agreed no sexual contact. But I digress ...

My initial post may have made her seem more cold than is really the case. I was definitely surprised by how she reacted to my initial emotional breakdown, but I think she didn't know how to take it. After that, we talked about things more and her attitude changed. She definitely seemed more concerned for me, but it didn't affect her relationship with the other guys.

She continues to tell me she loves me, but she also loves the other guy (each one), even though they have only just met. She constantly talks about how it upsets her that she's doing this to me and says, "I guess I'm just a bad person." I don't think she really believes that, though ...

I think she is making a huge mistake by getting caught up in the feeling of having other guys pine after her. She's getting close to 30 and is a stay-at-home mom. I think she's been attention starved and I failed to help her feel wanted, but that's something we can work on. 

That's why I'm reluctant to really just end it. I'm hoping I can get her to come to her senses. I think some of the things we talked about since this started really improved certain aspects of the relationship, believe it or not, but she just won't give up these other pursuits because she honestly believes she's falling in love with these other guys. It's not healthy for her.

Maybe I'm fooling myself. But, I am going to try tonight to stand up and tell her I've had enough and she needs to make her choice. This forum has been a big help, and I think I knew I just needed some support to do what I need to do. I don't really have a support network in my life, she was the person I always leaned on, which has been part of what made this whole fiasco so difficult. So, thanks for all the advice. I'll update on what happens. Any more thoughts are appreciated.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Mjollnir said:


> Maybe I'm fooling myself. But, I am going to try tonight to stand up and tell her I've had enough and she needs to make her choice.


This approach seldom works because it gives too much power to the cheating spouse.

In order for you to save the marriage, you must be willing to destroy it. You must be willing to convey to her the following and mean it.

*"Look wife, I won't be in an open relationship with you, I won't give you X number of days, weeks, months to make your mind, if you really feel like you need to sit on the fence on this decision and can't decide between your affair partner and me well I will make the decision for you, you can be with them because I'm no longer an option. I love you and wish you a good life with him and hope it works out for you because it didn't work out for us. Now the best thing we can do for each other is to make this process as graceful and peaceful as possible for us and our children, I'll contact a lawyer/mediator and get started on the process of our legal separation/divorce."
*


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Start reading here;

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/18181-man-up-nice-guy-reference.html

and here;

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read-3.html


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## calif_hope (Feb 25, 2011)

Dude, she is not going to come to senses without a catalyst, and that has to come from you! Right now she has her cake and is eating it to.

For anything to change with your wife YOU have to light the fire, the 180, separation, and possibly talk and movement towards divorce....remember you can file and layer drop the case.

She needs to be waken up, use thors hammer!

If you continue in the manner you are you very soon fine very little sympathy and support here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Have you read their chat logs? Do you think they could have met? You are being a doormat and kind of an idiot really. Expose her to the her family. You will destroy yourself if she goes on like this. You are enabling her actions.


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## Mjollnir (Feb 5, 2012)

chapparel,
I appreciate the links. I really found those threads helpful and think they shed some light on things for me personally. I realize my wife has been dropping hints all along that she wants me to take charge more. I'm hoping when I confront her, I can make clear that that's the kind of man I intend to be now. 

I won't be a doormat anymore. I intend to make clear that she's destroyed that part of me that would give her anything she wanted. Maybe this will make her change her ways. If not, I'm ready to walk. 

I've packed my car. When she gets home, I'm following morturi's advice and when my wife arrives, I'll tell her I'm leaving. 

If she wants to work things out, she'll have to take action tonight and swear off seeking outside relationships and break it off with her current guy. She'll have to show real remorse and commit to counseling. Then, I might stay for our son and families, but I intend to continue this in-house separation until we've worked through our issues. It won't be easy, but I feel I'm prepared. 

And if she doesn't, I'm gone and I'll start getting divorce papers tomorrow. It breaks my heart, but I'm prepared for that as well.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey MJ

Why are you leaving????????

Tomorrow being Monday.-----Tell her to leave, I don't know if she works or not, but tell her she is now responsible for half of every bill, and debt., that has been accrued in your mge.----Put all available monies in a bank acct. with your name ONLY on it----cancel all CC's, with her name on them.

Tell both families everything---basically tell them the facts---and what are those facts------YOU ARE NOTHING BUT SLOPPY SECONDS, IF THAT------YOU ARE A MEAL TICKET----YOU ARE A POS----YOU ARE SOMEONE WHO HAS ALLOWED A WOMAN TO DISRESPECT YOU SO BADLY, THAT SHE WALKS ON YOU WITH EVERY STEP SHE TAKES.

Tell me, I wanna understand, what kind of a love is it that loves a woman, who repeatedly takes other men to her bosom, and tells you, "you can hang around and be my back-up".-----She has an A., he dumps her, you confront, she says, OK, so what, Oh by the way, I have another lover allready, and when that one dumps her she gets another guy.------along with a group of friends who support her crap, and laugh at you---why are you still there????????

Tell me, I wanna understand what kind of love SURVIVES that.

You do whatever you want, but your situation is a nightmare, and all you can say is you love her---what "her" is it that you really love.

Do you know what the defintion of a Man is, do you know what the definition of self respect is----do you know what standing up for your self is????????


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## Mjollnir (Feb 5, 2012)

jnj,
Because her biggest fear is being alone. Because we have a child to consider, whom I can't care for by myself and, despite all else, she is a good mother. She told me outright, when I brought up the possibility before of leaving, that she wouldn't know what to do; that she doesn't how to make it without me. If I leave, I leave her alone and tell her to figure it out. 

Also, she has continued these relationships because I allowed it. I acted like a doormat when she said she needed to pursue these, because she felt there was a real connection, she was "in love," she might just need to "get it out of (her) system." I basically gave her permission. From her point of view, she was just following her heart. 

As unlikely as it sounds, she hasn't acted maliciously, but selfishly and childishly. If I stand up now and tell her, "No, you're not following your heart, you're just having an affair, and I won't allow it," I think she may come around. She hasn't owned it. I going to make her. If she won't, I'm gone and I will start a new life without her. 

I probably sound delusional to you, but I do know my wife. She's always been selfish and immature, it just escalated to this because of my continued enabling. Now, I have to put a stop to it. I have ownership of this too. I'm not excusing her behavior, but it is more complicated than her simply walking all over me.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

jnj express said:


> Hey MJ
> 
> Why are you leaving????????
> 
> ...



:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Don't leave.that's being weak.

Instead take charge. Step one lk to a lawyer about divorce and custody.

Two, cut off her money, and Nernst and cell phone and car and credit cards. All of these things require you paying for them. Stop. This is in your power to do.

Three. If she doesn't like this she can leve, but your child says.

Hire a nanny if you need help.

Four,get a voice activate recorder and talk openly to hear about her affairs.

Five, email the recording to both families.

Six., file for divorce and full custody.

Seven, let her go and live off her friends. Btw, he'll find out fast they won't pay her wy.

Eight, for ech friend she goes to, mail a copy of the var.

Nine, refuse to talk to her until all the OM are gone
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Yep do not leave your family home and do not let her take your child anywhere. 

The idea here is that you have to make it as hard for her as possible. This is not being mean, it's being realistic. It would not be good for your child to bounce from one of her friend's homes to another. Then from one boy friend to another. If you love your son, you are the one parent who has it together right now. So your son has to stay with you. Ask your parents to help you out.

Most likely if you tell her that she leaves with nothing, and she stops all contact with the enabling friends and the other men ... she will stay.

Then get the passwords to all of her computer accounts and her cell phone if she has one.

She has to send the OM no-contact letters.

You might need to have family members stay with her for a while when you are at work if at all possible.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Making her leave will only make her want to come back because she has no where to go and as you said, she feels helpless without you. In other words she won't come back and promise to change because she realises how good of a man you are, rather, it would be because she essentially needs a place to stay and would say anything to make you believe she's changed. Her romantic feelings won't change and if she values you only on the basis of your wallet, then you have a big problem. 

If you leave however you would see by her presumed begging if she wants you back for you or for the lifestyle you provide her with which presumingly would remain the same with you outside the home. This path should only be taken if you're willing to save the marriage and rekindle what emotions you two shared. If you're finished with it, I suggest the prior method.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Mjollnir said:


> jnj,
> Because her biggest fear is being alone. Because we have a child to consider, whom I can't care for by myself and, despite all else, she is a good mother. She told me outright, when I brought up the possibility before of leaving, that she wouldn't know what to do; that she doesn't how to make it without me. If I leave, I leave her alone and tell her to figure it out.
> 
> Also, she has continued these relationships because I allowed it. I acted like a doormat when she said she needed to pursue these, because she felt there was a real connection, she was "in love," she might just need to "get it out of (her) system." I basically gave her permission. From her point of view, she was just following her heart.


She's a cake eater. Stop allowing this. You're doing nothing but enabling her bad behavior.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

I agaree with Lord Mayhem. You have only enabled her cheating....


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

And so after all her whoring around, he now says, the affairs are her fault, but I made her do it. What a cuckold. You are going to need an abacus to keep track of the all the men who nailed your wife. 

Just read what you wrote:

*"I probably sound delusional to you, but I do know my wife. She's always been selfish and immature, it just escalated to this because of my continued enabling. Now, I have to put a stop to it. I have ownership of this too. I'm not excusing her behavior, but it is more complicated than her simply walking all over me."*

You just said your wife has always been selfish and immature, but it escalated because of your enabling.

You are sincerely the weakest man I have ever came into contact with. Your wife has ridden what 3 or 4 guys. She mocks you disrespects you. You find out about one guy, and she starts riding some other guys member. 

Oh and just for your information. The reason you say it is "more complicated than her simple walking all over me" Is because you are giving yourself and her an excuse. Because you fear being alone more then her f^#^%$g other men. And of course she doesn't want your family to know. And neither do you. Letting your family know will also expose you as a complete cuckold. And you would rather her [email protected]#k other men then expose her and yourself to it. She tells her friends and the men she skrews that you are separated or divorcing. And you sit at home watching the kids, and preparing the douche for when she gets home. Seriously, don't do a thing. You like this life. Maybe during reconciliation she will take you shopping for lingerie, so you have a more complete picture of them boning for your mind movies.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey complexity---He cannot leave---if he leaves, because he has a child, a judge would nail him for abandonment, in a D. proceeding


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

He understands that he has enabled her. So naturally, the answer to this problem is?.........more enabling. I wonder if he works for the federal reserve. You know, their answer to debt is.....more debt.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

If you leave, that means you abandoned your home and your child. If you should divorce this will come back and haunt you forever because all she has to do is bring this up and you lose in a custody hearing.


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## CEL (May 7, 2013)

Mjollnir said:


> jnj,
> Because her biggest fear is being alone. Because we have a child to consider, whom I can't care for by myself and, despite all else, she is a good mother. She told me outright, when I brought up the possibility before of leaving, that she wouldn't know what to do; that she doesn't how to make it without me. If I leave, I leave her alone and tell her to figure it out.
> 
> Also, she has continued these relationships because I allowed it. I acted like a doormat when she said she needed to pursue these, because she felt there was a real connection, she was "in love," she might just need to "get it out of (her) system." I basically gave her permission. From her point of view, she was just following her heart.
> ...



This is a good post you understand she is continuing her behavior because you have NOT stood up for yourself. You understand that you have betrayed your own self by not making the decision that you are worth more than just a doormat. These are good things and a great start, don't beat yourself up for the past way you handled it everyone deals with the initial pain differently.

Now you have a good plan she has two choice you which will initial IC, remorse, full disclosure of the EA's and a renewed commitment to the relationship. AGAIN she much own up to her affairs not blame shift if she does not own up to it you will not get a real reconciliation. Choice two is you walk. What you need to to do it start talking to your family BEFORE she does you will need the support and it shows a consequence to her actions she has treated you like a dog and getting away with it because you will not tell anyone. She needs to feel the shame of her actions so she can't just lie to people about what is going on. We as people function in a society that looks down on this behavior it is one of the things that prevents it so you need to tell YOUR support network what the hell has been going on. Just like an abused spouse you have done nothing wrong don't just sit and bleed for her.

Please keep posting even if you make mistakes we are here to help as much as we can.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Mjollnir said:


> Hello, I've been dealing with issues in my marriage now for almost two months.
> 
> If you want the whole long story: After just passing 10 years together (not married 10 years, but since we met), my wife told me that she had feelings for another man. I was devastated. Being a husband and father are among the few things I thought I excelled at - though I know I'm far from perfect. She said, at the time, that our relationship had been strained for a long time - though it was news to me - that we had grown apart and this new guy was just what she wanted. I tried to stay calm and told her if she felt this guy was worth it, then I would stand aside. We didn't separate, because she said she didn't want me to leave. I ended up later having an emotional breakdown. My wife seemed relatively unconcerned. After awhile, I addressed more directly how I felt and told her I wanted to work on our issues and go to counseling. She was reluctant.
> 
> ...


Yep. Expose her friends on CheaterVille.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Zombie thread....


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Check the dates guys.

Zombie Thread.....


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)




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