# Needing Advice



## Neglected Woman (Jun 8, 2013)

I have been married 23 years. For the first few years our relationship was very good. Then my husband became angry and verbally rude/abusive. He lost interest in sex. We have not had sex *AT ALL *for eleven years. We sleep in the same bed. He turns over and wants nothing to do with me, intimacy, passion, communication, or sex. I have asked him so many times over the years what is wrong, let's go on date night, let's connect again. He would just get angry and say no, or give me excuses. I would tell him that our marriage is in trouble. Let's do something. He would roll his eyes as if to say, "what do you want now". 

Recently he was diagnosed with depression. He says he is ready to work on our marriage. Because he has ignored my needs for so many years, I am tired, sad, and I care about him but don't feel love for him. I have ached for fourteen years for human touch, cuddling, and passion. In this time we have been raising a daughter, who is a young teen now. We don't fight much. We have gotten to the point that we are roommates. My plan was to wait until my daughter graduated from high school, go back to school/training, and be on my own at that time. My daughter has been in trouble at school so I went from full time work, part time, then to staying home and working with her on homework. I now regret leaving my job because I am dependent financially on my husband. 

After fourteen years of dealing with husband being rude and giving me excuses about being intimate, I had never gone outside of my marriage for anything. After asking for things like sex and working on fixer upper house projects together and getting shot down, I stopped asking. I focused on our daughter. I feel like I lost my voice. A year ago I went to my high school reunion and met a man I knew in high school. We hit it off and have become close. He loves me and I love him. He lives in another state and we don't see each other as often as we would like. We ache for each others company and simple touch. We have cuddled, touch, but have not had sex yet. I am in my mid fifties and have come to realize that life is NOW. Not in three years when my daughter graduates. I want a balance. Is that possible? I want to tell my husband everything and not sneak around. I want to be honest. My problem is that the man I love lives a thousand miles away, I have a daughter with three more years of high school, and I am not working and cannot move out yet. Husband says I should not start working because our daughter needs me around. I cannot move to be with him yet. He lives in a wonderful small town that would be a good place for a teenager who has been in some trouble, but she has her friends and would not agree to it. I feel so stuck. I want to be able to see this man freely and not wait for three years to do so. I want to raise my daughter and also be happy in a loving relationship. I want a balance.


----------



## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

Im sorry your here, but welcome to TAM.

11 years............damn!!!

I'm not even sure where to start with this kind of neglect. 

I think honesty is your best route right now, what have you got to lose, your marriage is a wreck already. You need to find a job, even if its part time, I feel like you can still help your daughter with a job while she's at school. Not working also allows your husband to have all the control or power over you.

Im so pro-marriage, and old fashioned in a sense of honoring the marriage normally, but i'll be honest..........11 years.........damn. I guess I still dont think you should "act" yet with the other man. Just get out of the marriage and not have the regret you cheated later, but this isn't exactly a marriage now is it. I guess i'll just wait for some of the experts to post.

I'm here to let you know its alright to have these thoughts after this much neglect. I hope you get the resolution you seek, but do it in a way you wont have even more regrets later. Heck I dont know. Obviously this isn't about saving the marriage.

Good luck.


----------



## Neglected Woman (Jun 8, 2013)

Thank you for your advice Thumper. I have never posted anything before, so I was a little nervous. After my husband has been on anti depressant medicine he has been nice and telling me he wants to work on marriage and try to find his passion again. He talks baby talk to me, instead of being the man that I would like him to be. That is very annoying. We still have discussions about our daughter, etc. where I see the old angry stubborn husband before meds come out. So I know it will take time. I just feel hurt and angry that he did not care about my needs, when I was very clear with him many times. We would go on with life and once in awhile I would have to muster the courage to have "the talk". Telling him our marriage is going in the wrong direction, let's go on date night, have sex, or tell me what the problem is. He would always say nothing, or "work gets some of me, daughter gets some of me, and you get what's left". I know he was depressed, but I could not get through to him and it went on too long. After feeling that I was a nag, I backed off, didn't say anything to him, to see what his needs were. Years went by and he had no needs! Three months ago I told him I didn't want to work on our marriage and I wanted a divorce. He was sad but said he knows he messed up and just wants me to be happy. He said he will always love me. He says he loves me and will never love anyone else, but doesn't show passion.

The man I met from high school is a sweet, romantic, gentleman. We are from the same neighborhood and I knew him and his family well. He lives life to the fullest, which for me is very attractive. We have the same interests in music, art, religion, politics, etc. He is holding his hand out and saying, "come with me and let's live, love, and travel". I had seen a therapist for awhile, before reacquainting with this man, and after. Her comment to me was that this type of love/relationship doesn't come around that often. If I was 25 or 35, I would get out on my own. I am 55 and he is 58. We want to make up for lost time between high school and now. 

Thank you for any advice you can give me. I am ready to have "the talk" again with husband. This time the talk will be very different.


----------



## Alpha (Feb 18, 2013)

Is this other man married? Does he have children? What more?

This man obviously knows you are married and yet he in encouraging you to leave. I have no respect for a person like that. If he could easily convince you to leave your husband for him, he could easily do the same to another woman and replace you.

I can understand your frustration with your husband all these years. But now with the ultimatum you gave him and him being on meds, it looks like there is a glimmer of hope. You should take advantage of it and be more firm and get more out of him. 

You also need to make a back up plan for yourself which means being financially independent. Thumper said to get a job and I agree. Get some money going your way because just in case your husband doesn't change, you shouldn't worry about funds. You can also eventually get support from him if you divorce.

Now what sort of therapist goes out and implies to leave your husband for another man? I find that strange.


----------



## Neglected Woman (Jun 8, 2013)

Thank you for your advice Alpha. He has been divorced for a few years and his kids are grown. He owns a home, has a career, and lives by himself. We were sweethearts in high school and lost contact. We were always two peas in a pod and inseparable back then. In the past 39 years since high school, every year or so I would pick up my yearbook, look at his picture, and wonder what became of him. When we met again last year we just fell into step as friends and then felt strong feelings for each other. He sensed I was not happy in my marriage and that I was neglected by conversations we had. He tells me that he will understand if I decide to stay in my marriage. He is very much in like and love with me, as I am with him. I do understand what you are saying regarding why would he get involved with a married woman. We both should have run in the opposite direction. 

My husband is on meds now and not as depressed. He says he lost his passion for me and will try to find passion again. I don't want a partner that is trying to find passion for me. I want someone who has passion. I am full of passion for life and love. Maybe I am being selfish.

The past fourteen years I have been rejected by him and anything that has been important to me (being intimate, working on our fixer upper house together, communicating, moving to a better neighborhood with good schools for our daughter), he does nothing, so nothing happens, and what I want never happens. When he has wanted something, he gets right on it and gets results. One recent example of our communication was that I ask him if he could not watch as much South Park with our daughter. She is fourteen and it is not appropriate. I have asked him to not watch it for a few years. Our conversation becomes frustrating because he will get annoyed with me and say that we will ONLY watch documentaries from now on. I try to talk with him and end up walking away frustrated and we never come to an agreement. I just shut down because I am dealing with a brick wall. Then awhile later he acts like nothing happened and is sugary sweet when I am frustrated. We rarely compromise. I just shut down.

I have started my own business and looking for work also. Financial independence is very important I know.

Thank you for your advice and insight.


----------



## Alpha (Feb 18, 2013)

Thanks also for providing more insight.

At least you know now that you are getting a reaction from your husband, but you cannot expect too much too soon from someone who is coming off depression. Be receptive to your husband's attempts to be more passionate with you. I know its difficult considering all the years. It probably also feels fake or strange at the moment, but give him a chance. Anything your high school sweetheart does will be more romantic than anything your husband will do now. You are in the romance stage with him so don't take it against your husband and don't compare.

In fact, you should be cutting contact with your sweetheart if you want to give your marriage one last try. Your husband will never have a fighting chance if there is someone you are comparing him with. 

Being firm with your husband looks like the solution for you. Make demands but lead him and let him learn what needs you have that are not being fulfilled by him. I realize he didn't listen in the past but it looks like he does now. 

Outside of full financial independence, you hold the cards to this relationship. Demand and work it to your advantage.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Get a job, there is no reason not to with a kid in high school. Divorce your husband, but dont do it to be with the other man. Do it for yourself and your daughter, you have provided her with a dismal example of a relationship for all these years. Dont move out of state to be with him while your daughter is in school, either encourage him to come to you, or wait until she finishes. I really feel like you should have left this marriage a long time ago.


----------



## jh52 (Apr 29, 2012)

IMO your husband could turn into prince charming now -- and it wouldn't matter because whether you want to think this or not -- you are having an EA.

What you husband has done for the past 14 years is wrong -- all of that goes on him. You putting up with this for 14 years is all on you. 

I hope that your OM is as great as you claim him to be. I know he is divorced -- and of course his exw didn't understand him, with held sex, she cheated on him.....or whatever - but he is pursuing a married woman -- that raises a lot of red flags in his character IMO.


----------



## itscomplicatedforsure (May 30, 2013)

NW,
I agree that you should divorce your husband if you no longer are IN love with him, but it should not be for the sake of the other man. To stay out of a sense of duty or fear of judgment makes no sense to me. Life is short. You deserve to be happy. If the relationship with the OM happens after your divorce, so be it. I stayed in a marriage for far too long while being unhappy and feeling that life was passing me by. I finally got out, and it was the best decision for me. I immediately felt as though a weight had been lifted. Be aware that you may be judged for leaving the marriage, but what a small price to pay to make a new, happy life for yourself. 
Best of luck to you.


----------



## Neglected Woman (Jun 8, 2013)

Thank you for your advice. It has been very helpful. It is not easy for me to take the first step. It feels like everything I have created (family, home, etc.) has fallen apart. We dealt with infertility for seven years before finally adopting our daughter. I was so happy when I finally became a Mom. My husband says that he is worn out with invitro and all that we went through. Infertility and his military experiences are the reasons he became depressed, verbally abusive toward me, and didn't want to be intimate. However, our daughter is fourteen and I don't understand why he still feels exhausted. I have been focusing on my daughter and ignoring my needs for a long time. I do want to be a good example for her. She sees that her dad interrupts me in the middle of my sentences and, as she says, is a bully. I try to stand up to him, and when he gets his way, I feel like I am not showing her that I am strong.

I went from full time work, to part time, to not working, thinking it was best to be around with the trouble she gets into at school. It was very embarrassing to not be a dependable employee when she was always in trouble or sick. At that time I was trying to do my best at work, trying to do my best at home, but no one was happy.

This has been a wonderful forum to be able to talk about issues I don't talk to anyone about, and get advice. Thank you.


----------

