# Guilty of Emotional Cheating, Please Advise



## SadSackofSh (May 24, 2013)

I committed a crime without realizing.

A couple of weeks ago, my wife found a used condom in our bed and immediately accused me of cheating. I have not cheated. I suggested that our pitbull dug it out of the bathroom trash and sure enough, when I placed the used condom back into the trash can, shortly thereafter the dog dug it out again. It was a brand new box of condoms, usually 12 come in a box, so I told her to go count the remainder but I don't think she did. I thought I had proven my point and the idea of cheating was out of her head.
About a week after that incident I was cleaning out some containers and boxes in our bedroom when I came across a women's button-up shirt. Assuming it was hers I placed it on the bed along with some other things of hers I found and didn't think anything of it until this last Saturday afternoon. We were sitting around, talking as usual, when she went into the bedroom and came back with the shirt. She said "Look at what I found." and I said that I had found it in a container when I was cleaning the other day. "Well it must belong to that girl you had sex with in our bed." Now she starts to talk very loudly and fast and my head is swimming. I have not had sex with any women since I've met her and haven't had the urge to.

But then she pulls out this piece of info which is very true and it starts two years ago. Two years ago, or maybe a little sooner, she decided to start an account on a dating website called Ok Cupid to find a girlfriend for one of her brother's and she said that I should do the same thing. Immediately I thought that was strange but I went along with it. Before I knew it I had messages from other women and at some point I decided that there probably wouldn't be any harm if I messaged a few back. Now this has gone one with numerous women up until this day. I never did anything with these girls, never met with any of them, and I don't think any of the messages were ever of the sexual nature. Some of them were very flirty but I don't think it ever got passed that. Also, somewhat recently, I started to talk to girls I knew on Facebook, not many, but I sent a couple of flirty messages and I told one that my marriage was in bad shape when it wasn't. I don't know why I did this, maybe for some kind of sympathy I felt like I needed. Anyway, after she pulled out the shirt and accused me of cheating, she opened up my laptop and said she knew everything and pulled up all these accounts of mine, read some of the messages outloud, my head was swimming and everything was happening so fast I couldn't think straight. I tried coming clean, admitted to the online flirting and whatnot, but I never cheated on her physically with another woman. She kicked me out of the house, told me we'd talk in a week, but a couple of days later she sent me a text saying she was ready to talk Tuesday afternoon in person. I talked to her Monday on the phone and she revealed that she wanted a divorce and there was no changing her mind, she didn't want to go back to counseling or anything, nothing will change her mind. So we met Tuesday afternoon, I thought this would be my chance to set the record straight and maybe she'd see things from my point of view and be understanding, but she had already seen a lawyer and filed a petition for divorce. I couldn't believe it, still can't believe it. After that I tried to tell her my side of things and how sorry, ashamed, and embarrassed I am and she looked me in the eye as I was sobbing through the words but she didn't care, her mind is made up. I told her that I understood where she was coming from, that when all this started I didn't think it was a big deal, but I see now that I wasn't considering anyone's feelings but my own, and I wished that she could see things from my point of view. I said that if she were me she would throw up all over herself, be so embarrassed to be talking to her, and would never show my face in town again. Pretty rough.
Yesterday I went back to our marriage counselor alone and told her everything, trying to find answers and hoping there's a way I can postpone the divorce. My wife allowed me to hang out with our 4 month old son for several hours which was nice and we talked a little and the conversations were short and friendly. I'm staying at my folks' house which is a little over an hour away, commuting to work every other day. She wants me to have our son every weekend and once in the middle of the week. I told her I was thinking of moving across country but she didn't like that idea and once while I was talking to our son she said "Someday I can see you becoming a better man and marrying someone else, having another kid, and leaving me in the dust." I don't want to leave her in the dust.
What I did in my opinion is still small potatoes but after doing a lot of research I've learned a lot and before I didn't really have an idea why I was doing it but now I think it's because I've been depressed, maybe needed to feel validated sometimes. In some of the messages I tell the woman we should meet up sometime but a lot of these women live in different towns, different states, many hours away, and I rarely leave town, I'm usually home with my family so it's strange to me that it would even be a possibility.
How do I fix this? I'm going to counseling, thinking about going to a treatment center for depression across country, I feel like I need to get out of town, see some new scenery, right now I feel like I'm in jail. I know I need to do some changing and I'm more than willing to take the time to do it but I also know that this is the family I want. I love my wife, she's very strong, beautiful, and I know I can be her perfect mate. I feel like if I could get my wife to see a counselor, with or without me, it would do a lot of good but she's totally not interested. Any thoughts, opinions, advice, guidance, anything?


----------



## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

There's something very suspicious about your story. Either you're not telling all or she has her own secrets.


----------



## SadSackofSh (May 24, 2013)

I'm pretty sure I'm not leaving anything out. The whole online thing went on for about two years. I was talking to a lot of women but they were obviously not serious online relationships or anything because they would only last a few messages or so. I was pretending to be single which I wasn't, I was lying about who I am. In one of our last conversations when I was trying to explain myself my wife said "I don't know you. You're a different person for me, you're a different person for these girls online, you're different for your friends, your different for your parents."
I don't feel like that's true but I was lying to these girls online or at least misrepresenting myself and I was keeping it from my wife. Even though I didn't think it was a big deal I still felt it was something she shouldn't know about so that should've been a flag for me right there but I still thought that it was completely harmless. As long as I'm not touching somebody else or even considering it, what's the harm? I'm still trying to figure out why I even did it. Boredom seems to be the biggest reason that stands out to me but somedays I felt down on myself, somedays I wanted to talk to somebody with similar interests but that could also go back to boredom. I wasn't looking for anything or anybody because I already had it. I don't know, I'm obviously having a hard time figuring everything out, that's why I'm here.


----------



## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

SadSackofSh said:


> About a week after that incident I was cleaning out some containers and boxes in our bedroom when I came across a *women's button-up shirt*. Assuming it was hers I placed it on the bed along with some other things of hers I found and didn't think anything of it until this last Saturday afternoon. We were sitting around, talking as usual, when she went into the bedroom and came back with the shirt. She said "Look at what I found." and I said that I had found it in a container when I was cleaning the other day. "Well it must belong to that girl you had sex with in our bed." Now she starts to talk very loudly and fast and my head is swimming. I have not had sex with any women since I've met her and haven't had the urge to.


Whose button-up shirt was it? Is it your wife's? Is it her size? Where is that shirt now? What type of container was the shirt in?

Do you think you may have been set up?

Is your wife seeing someone now?


----------



## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

SadSackofSh said:


> I committed a crime without realizing.


You didn't realize flirting with other women is a betrayal to your wife? I call BS. You knew what you were doing. You just didn't think about what would happen when you got caught. 



SadSackofSh said:


> I know I can be her perfect mate.


No you can't. Perfect mates don't cheat, emotionally or physically.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Frankly something is not right here at all in this story.

She's way to quick, cut, and dry, and offering you full weekends is a red flag, as is her opening her own dating site accounts.

I'm going to predict there very much is another guy involved. That she likely me him herself on the dating site and you are being railroaded.

This is also a very good chance one of the women you have been conversing with is your wife , her sister, or one of her friends.

I think you've been set up, and yes you stupidly took the bait.

But think about it, what kind of wife suggests she and her husband join dating sites to find someone else a girl?

You have been played.

I'd move home, she can't kick you out legally. It's your home.

I'd begin looking for the guy she's with and is moving you out to be with.


----------



## NatureDave (Feb 19, 2013)

This sounds very fishy...


----------



## KimatraAKM (May 1, 2013)

This has to be one of the smallest events I've heard of that led to divorce. Sounds fishy.. I'd say either you're lying or she's cheating.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## SadSackofSh (May 24, 2013)

Aug: Yeah, the shirt is a mystery. We sublet our house for a few months. Her brother and his wife left the country for a while and asked us to housesit so we had a couple of containers of stuff with us and while we were there our son was born and Christmas happened so we ended up with a bunch of stuff. Her brother and sister-in-law came back a couple of weeks early and our renter was still in our place so we moved into her mom's house and the container came with us. My theory is the shirt either belonged to the sister-in-law, maybe my wife borrowed it from the closet and forgot. Or it came from her mother's house. Or there was a day she bought a few similar shirts like that at Salvation Army but this shirt looked kind of worn, the collar was real frayed, I don't think she would've bought one in such rough shape. I mean, if it belonged to some girl I had over to our house, would she have left topless? And our room is filled with my wife's clothes and baby stuff as we only have the one bedroom. There's no way.

Acoa: Maybe you're right. Maybe I'm delusional. I knew it was wrong but I guess I didn't think it was the same as cheating physically. I've never cheated on anybody but I dated a girl about 7 years ago who cheated on me and it was terrible and around that same time my brother and his wife divorced because he cheated so I've seen it first hand and it had a tremendous effect on me, that's just something I don't have in me and I'm ashamed of what I did. I never considered it to be similar. I've always loved my wife and never had a desire to be with anybody else. I don't know if I'd say it was a fantasy but it was definitely a momentary escape from reality.


----------



## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Two years of flirting with other women? And you thought it was harmless? The simple question is how you would feel if you discovered this trail of electronic flirtation on your wife's part. Would you think she was happy in the marriage? Would you think that you knew her? Would you feel betrayed?

What you did was a knife wound to the heart. That's what an affair does.

If you found another man's shirt in your bedroom, would it just be a harmless mystery?

The only way to have any chance at all - any chance - is to start to wrap your mind around the seriousness of what you've done. No looking for explanations like depression. You may be depressed, and you may need treatment, but that knowledge isn't going to address your wife's hurt. You need to start focusing on how badly you have hurt her.


----------



## SadSackofSh (May 24, 2013)

I'm being as honest as possible because I do want real help to this problem.

One problem we've had throughout our relationship is with me drinking, I don't drink often, maybe once a week, but sometimes I get carried away and she doesn't like the way I get. I'm not violent but I'm not nice. We recently came to a compromise that if I slept on the couch when I came home then that would be ok. Another thing she hated was the way I smelt when I'd come home so that's what led to the whole couch thing. Anyway, the night before all this happened, she insisted that I go out. She said that I'd been stuck in the house for too long and needed to get out and she had her sister coming over and wanted to have some girl time. That seemed weird to me.


----------



## SadSackofSh (May 24, 2013)

Alte Dame: I definitely agree with you 100%. Everything is happening so quickly and I'm thinking about so many things, it's hard to just focus on one, but you're right.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

SadSackofSh said:


> I'm being as honest as possible because I do want real help to this problem.
> 
> One problem we've had throughout our relationship is with me drinking, I don't drink often, maybe once a week, but sometimes I get carried away and she doesn't like the way I get. I'm not violent but I'm not nice. We recently came to a compromise that if I slept on the couch when I came home then that would be ok. Another thing she hated was the way I smelt when I'd come home so that's what led to the whole couch thing. Anyway, the night before all this happened, she insisted that I go out. She said that I'd been stuck in the house for too long and needed to get out and she had her sister coming over and wanted to have some girl time. That seemed weird to me.


Seriously, you do see you've been set up right?


----------



## SadSackofSh (May 24, 2013)

Shaggy: I don't know. Why would she do that?


----------



## SadSackofSh (May 24, 2013)

When I was there yesterday, all of the pictures of us are still on the walls and tables. She even still has a picture of me from when I was 4 on her nightstand. That just doesn't make sense.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

SadSackofSh said:


> Shaggy: I don't know. Why would she do that?


I'm guessing because she's decided to switch to another guy.

Look, wives never, ever, ever, ever suggest their husbands get a dating site account and meet girls.

Not ever.

And wives who want to stay married do not get their own account.

Find the OM and you'll get your answers.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

At best the dating site account was a test , and you failed
At worst, it was a setup and you also failed.


----------



## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

What he has been doing sounds enough to me.
Still my gut keeps screaming.
I'd put my PI hat like yesterday. Serious snooping required here.


----------



## awake1 (Jan 29, 2013)

Story sounds wrong. It's possible the wife just assumes an affair, or she wanted out and is using this as an excuse.


----------



## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

She wanted out of the marriage and got a reason.

I'm guessing that you'll see her with her "new" boyfreind a few weeks after you are gone.

You've been replaced and she's just getting around to telling you about it.

Sorry man, that's the way I see it.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Sorry. I know girls that SET UP accounts for friends. I have NEVER met one that set one up for herself, asked her husband to set one up for himself and then busted him when something stupid happened.

Yeah, you were being hurtful to your wife, but this is too weird for me. I'd be sniffing out HER account, checking activity logs and wondering if that condom was hers and not yours IF you are being truthful.

The reason I say "If"is your story implies you were already in counseling, what for?


----------



## SadSackofSh (May 24, 2013)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> Sorry. I know girls that SET UP accounts for friends. I have NEVER met one that set one up for herself, asked her husband to set one up for himself and then busted him when something stupid happened.
> 
> Yeah, you were being hurtful to your wife, but this is too weird for me. I'd be sniffing out HER account, checking activity logs and wondering if that condom was hers and not yours IF you are being truthful.
> 
> The reason I say "If"is your story implies you were already in counseling, what for?


We were in counseling because we bickered a lot and had trouble communicating with eachother. We'd go a couple of times and then feel like we knew what to do, we'd be back a few months later. We should've stuck with it. 

One thing I do have to say about her online dating account is it said she was 99 years old and the picture she used was of our house, not even of herself or a person. I really don't think she started it to troll for dudes. I don't think she has a new boyfriend but I've been wrong about many things before.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

SadSackofSh said:


> One thing I do have to say about her online dating account is it said she was 99 years old and the picture she used was of our house, not even of herself or a person. I really don't think she started it to troll for dudes. I don't think she has a new boyfriend but I've been wrong about many things before.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes and how many troubled marriages start with the phrase "I really don't think.....?" You do know the age thing is meaningless right?

Now, it is a societal form of stereotyping, but some women hide their age, weight and looks. So, 99 and a picture of a house means NOTHING on the internet, let alone a dating website.

Let me ask a question instead of making a statement.

Did you sniff out HER account, check activity logs and read her messages?


----------



## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

If my husband did this to me, I'd do the same thing as your wife.

I doubt you will be able to get her back. I've been in her shoes. My ex h never fully told the truth. Once I made up my mind, I was very clear the marriage was over. Of course he wasn't ready to end the marriage, but he made the choice to betray me over and over. 

You have a huge problem you need to work out. There is no freaking reason to be on dating sites while married. 

There's more to this story.


----------



## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

SadSackofSh said:


> I committed a crime without realizing.
> 
> A couple of weeks ago, my wife found a used condom in our bed and immediately accused me of cheating. I have not cheated. I suggested that our pitbull dug it out of the bathroom trash and sure enough, when I placed the used condom back into the trash can, shortly thereafter the dog dug it out again. It was a brand new box of condoms, usually 12 come in a box, so I told her to go count the remainder but I don't think she did. I thought I had proven my point and the idea of cheating was out of her head.


Sounds like "projection" to me. That's where they accuse you of their crimes.

How long were you married? 7 years or so? Or maybe 14?



SadSackofSh said:


> About a week after that incident I was cleaning out some containers and boxes in our bedroom when I came across a women's button-up shirt. Assuming it was hers I placed it on the bed along with some other things of hers I found and didn't think anything of it until this last Saturday afternoon. We were sitting around, talking as usual, when she went into the bedroom and came back with the shirt. She said "Look at what I found." and I said that I had found it in a container when I was cleaning the other day. "Well it must belong to that girl you had sex with in our bed." Now she starts to talk very loudly and fast and my head is swimming. I have not had sex with any women since I've met her and haven't had the urge to.


You should have told her off. More projection. I had this happen to me once a couple of years back with regards to a pair of underwear in the dirty laundry. I told her I had no idea who, what, why, where, when or how, so shut up about it. She did. Immediately. Never said another word about it.



SadSackofSh said:


> But then she pulls out this piece of info which is very true and it starts two years ago. Two years ago, or maybe a little sooner, *she decided to start an account on a dating website called Ok Cupid* to find a girlfriend for one of her brother's


Now, that's a BS story. As if a woman would respond to another woman who has to find and online girl for her gamma brother. Is that how you met your wife, through her brother's online ad? Total BS story and you bought it. Did she put it up as a woman or a man? Did she get any male commo?



SadSackofSh said:


> and she said that I should do the same thing.


This is the setup to counterbalance her affairs from OK Cupid, should you ever pull your head out of your arschloch long enough to catch her.



SadSackofSh said:


> Immediately *I thought that was strange* but I went along with it.


No kidding. But, we're heavily programmed under the matriarchy to believe that our wives would never do anything to jeopardize the marriage. In fact, 70%+ of divorces are filed by women. Not to mention the fact that the vast majority of husbands never see the hidden **** side of their wives. And that's no accident.



SadSackofSh said:


> Before I knew it I had messages from other women and at some point I decided that there probably wouldn't be any harm if I messaged a few back.


All was proceeding as your wife had foreseen. On the other hand, this shows you have a reasonably high sex rank (women rank about 70% of men on dating sites as having a "below average" appearance) and can easily replace your wife a younger group of women. A soft harem, as it were. Just the fact that you got some nibbles is essentially proof that you are capable.



SadSackofSh said:


> Now this has gone one with numerous women up until this day. I never did anything with these girls, never met with any of them, and I don't think any of the messages were ever of the sexual nature. Some of them were very flirty but I don't think it ever got passed that.


Absolutely nothing wrong with any of that. Besides, you were doing it at her instigation to recruit some trim for her brother. What's the problem?



SadSackofSh said:


> Also, somewhat recently, I started to talk to girls I knew on Facebook, not many, but I sent a couple of flirty messages and I told one that my marriage was in bad shape when it wasn't. I don't know why I did this, maybe for some kind of sympathy I felt like I needed.


You did that because it's a standard seduction move. Assuming you're on the level with the narrativve, this is the first line you should not have crossed.

How often do you have sex with your wife? Is she enthusiastic or does she shut you down? Does she initiate? Interrupt you when she's decked out in sexy lingerie? etc.



SadSackofSh said:


> Anyway, after she pulled out the shirt and accused me of cheating, she opened up my laptop and said she knew everything and pulled up all these accounts of mine, read some of the messages outloud, my head was swimming and everything was happening so fast I couldn't think straight. I tried coming clean, admitted to the online flirting and whatnot, but I never cheated on her physically with another woman.


See what I mean. She'd been monitoring your online ops all along, ever since she told you to set up that dating account. Now why would she do that? Think hard... You can do it.

Ever know any cops? Ever heard the term "plant" or "throw down piece?" That's what you've got here. Wake up and smell the bacon, because somebody is getting porked.



SadSackofSh said:


> She kicked me out of the house, told me we'd talk in a week, but a couple of days later she sent me a text saying she was ready to talk Tuesday afternoon in person. I talked to her Monday on the phone and she revealed that she wanted a divorce and there was no changing her mind, she didn't want to go back to counseling or anything, nothing will change her mind.


Well, that was fast. Usually, they try to drag out the fence sitting and cake eating once the husband is out of the house. My guess is that her first overnighters with her AP(s) were hot enough that she made up her mind right away.



SadSackofSh said:


> So we met Tuesday afternoon, I thought this would be my chance to set the record straight and maybe she'd see things from my point of view and be understanding, but she had already seen a lawyer and filed a petition for divorce. I couldn't believe it, still can't believe it. After that I tried to tell her my side of things and how sorry, ashamed, and embarrassed I am and she looked me in the eye as I was sobbing through the words but she didn't care, her mind is made up.


Sobbing? Seriously, that just confirms her decision that you aren't much of a man. There is a long period of devaluing the husband over the course of an affair and you should never let them see you cry over them, because that's just more evidence of the correctness of her decision. BTDT 30 years ago with XWLTGF, when I figured out what she was up to. Fortunately, I snapped out of it about an hour later and started enjoying the single life (that's why adultery is much more serious than a mere cheating GF or fiancée). Met my wife within a year, after many exciting adventures along the way.

The point is, your wife was already pissed off that you were so dumb as to not realize she was running around on you in real life, not just trading semi-flirtatious texts. When your wife can get away with adultery with multiple guys over a period of years and you don't catch on, they really get contemptuous. You are definitely not her soulmate, she thinks, otherwise you would have discerned a disturbance in the marital Force.



SadSackofSh said:


> I told her that I understood where she was coming from, that when all this started I didn't think it was a big deal, but I see now that I wasn't considering anyone's feelings but my own, and I wished that she could see things from my point of view. I said that if she were me she would throw up all over herself, be so embarrassed to be talking to her, and would never show my face in town again. Pretty rough.


Again, this increased her contempt, which is why she showed absolutely nothing to you except the great stone face. Inside, she was laughing her ass off.



SadSackofSh said:


> Yesterday I went back to our marriage counselor alone and told her everything, trying to find answers and hoping there's a way I can postpone the divorce.


Do you live an a fault state? Run an investigation on her. Get a PI or do it yourself. Get the goods on her and counter file for cause, if it's available.It's a lot harder now that you're out of house. 




SadSackofSh said:


> My wife allowed me to hang out with our 4 month old son for several hours which was nice and we talked a little and the conversations were short and friendly.


Man, you need to do a DNA swab on that little guy ASAP. You need to settle paternity before the divorce goes forward or you may be stuck paying CS for the next 18.



SadSackofSh said:


> I'm staying at my folks' house which is a little over an hour away, commuting to work every other day.


Why are you doing that? Why did you move out? Is your wife solely on the deed? Did she own the home before you married? If not, move back in ASAP. She'll be pissed, because you'll be screwing with her sex time, but do it anyway. You need to get a keylogger on her computer and find her dating sites. The OK Cupid was merely a red herring to cover for her real online dating activities.




SadSackofSh said:


> She wants me to have our son every weekend and once in the middle of the week.


They don't call Wednesday "Hump Day" for nothing. She needs a clear flight deck on a weekly basis.



SadSackofSh said:


> I told her I was thinking of moving across country but she didn't like that idea and once while I was talking to our son she said "Someday I can see you becoming a better man and marrying someone else, having another kid, and leaving me in the dust." I don't want to leave her in the dust.


She needs a father for that child. If it turns out to be yours, you'd be a low life to move away, unless you take him with you. That would be for the best, but it's tough to pull that off under the matriarchy.



SadSackofSh said:


> What I did in my opinion is still small potatoes but after doing a lot of research I've learned a lot and before I didn't really have an idea why I was doing it but now I think it's because I've been depressed, maybe needed to feel validated sometimes. In some of the messages I tell the woman we should meet up sometime but a lot of these women live in different towns, different states, many hours away, and I rarely leave town, I'm usually home with my family so it's strange to me that it would even be a possibility.
> How do I fix this? I'm going to counseling, thinking about going to a treatment center for depression across country, I feel like I need to get out of town, see some new scenery, right now I feel like I'm in jail. I know I need to do some changing and I'm more than willing to take the time to do it but I also know that this is the family I want. I love my wife, she's very strong, beautiful, and I know I can be her perfect mate. I feel like if I could get my wife to see a counselor, with or without me, it would do a lot of good but she's totally not interested. Any thoughts, opinions, advice, guidance, anything?


You're probably depressed because you haven't been getting laid on a regular basis since your wife started getting on dating sites. Furthermore, your wife has been playing you six moves ahead in chess and you thought you were both playing checkers.

Do women hit on you much IRL?


----------



## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

^^^
That's almost Exactly how I felt, when I was reading the OP. 


See? You did something utterly wrong. Don't think you should be let off the hook for your online flirting and any EAs. Yet, the story reminds me of the phrase "being set up to fail."


----------

