# How would u feel if they came back



## mike82 (Oct 24, 2011)

Im sure that many people on this site have had their significant other leave or cheat on them. Many probrobly wish that those walk away spouses and cheaters would come to their senses and come back. I know for along time i wished that my ex wife would come back. Last night i was laying in bed with my mind racing and i thought to myself " what if she did come back? I thought what it would be like, and i realized it wouldnt work. I imagined that she was laying there next to me. I thought about all the lying and infidelity, i thought about all the coldness and mean things that she said. And i realized i would never be able to let go of what happened, i would always look at her knowing she was fully capable of doing it again. If she was ever running late or unaccounted for i would wonder. If she was on her phone texting on the other end of the couch(where she would always sit) i would wonder. If she started a new job i would wonder, if she went out with her friends i would wonder. Once trust is gone its tough to make it work. Its the foundation of a relationship. Not to say that things cant work for people who have been through this, but i imagine it would be truelly difficult. I think when someone is cheated on or dumped, its the rejection feeling that really hurts. I think alot of times people want that person back because of being tossed out. The rejection makes people want that person back. Ie people want what they cant have(human nature). It was really helpful to me imagining if she was back. For along time i thought i just want her back, but when i really put it all in perspective i realize it wouldnt work. There would always be a huge elephant in the room. I think alot of times when people think of their cheating spouse coming back they imagine life the way it was before the infidelity. When i would think of her coming back i would think of how life used to be. If she came back it would never be how it used to be, so much damage has been done. For so long i just thought about her coming back, but i never gave much thought on how it would be if she did. By pretending she was back it let me analyse how it would be and how i would feel. I realized i could never share a bed with her again. This helped me. I hope she never comes back.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

This is something I have been thinking about. I have been so paralysed by my Hs betrayal but not wanting to let go, thinking about all the fun time and the love we used to have that I think I have really lost my perspective on everything. I still love him and we still have a close friendship but I know that if he ever did want to R it would be a very difficult road to go down. The depth of his deception and hurt is engrained in me now and I just wonder if I would ever truly be happy with him again!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## melissa68 (Feb 10, 2012)

Mike, that is so very true. I know with all that my stbxh has done, I would never feel safe with him or not wonder when the next 'explosion' would come...I think you're right in that maybe sometimes you want them back so badly because they left so abruptly...its like wait! I didnt see that coming....I need time to figure this out kind of thing. As mad and angry as I should be I find it short lived and keep falling back to the whys? how could you? 

But I'm like you, I know it would never work...it probably should of been stopped a long time ago for me...


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

I began to think about this a little. By many accounts, my wife has changed over the past 5 years (me too, and I'm starting again). this can be confirmed by family, friends, etc. The difference between us is that there was/is no OM.

I mean, changing attitudes, outlook, interaction, close friends, interests, etc. I witnessed all of this, yet, never askd her the details. I remained resistant.

Now, looking at it, how, can I possibly start my self-improvement, and make lasting changes for myself, and R with someone different than I truly loved. Unless of course, my change parallels hers in some ways to make us closer.

So, I am processing that I am in love with an older version of my W. That is who, for all intents and purposes, died. And, I won't get that version back.

My wife is so afraid of any R now. She is scared of me returning and her misery, guilt, pain, awakening again. And, at this time, no amount of my promises, pleadings, etc. changes her mind.

I'm new on my path (3 weeks). What she needs is to see my changes and learn to trust them. That takes time, communication, honesty and trust. And, whether that will draw us back to each other or not, I don't know. I can't do this for her or I'll be disappointed and it will prevent healing.

Now, as I write this, my feelings are overwhelming. I cry every day, several times. I feel bad, sad, hurt, angry. But, it's a process. Eventually, I hope sooner rather than later, I will be happy about me for me.


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

If he were to come to me and say he would want to try for a R, I would definitely do it. We are both human and made mistakes. He says it would never happen because we both have trust issues now. It's true. But trust can be rebuilt. We are both going to have trust issues w/ whomever we get in a relationship w/ until we work on things ourselves. 
I would need transparency w/ whomever I get in a relationship w/ and would offer the same. I know what we did wrong and work to not let them happen again (again it would be the same w/ someone new or my H). We stopped having time alone w/ each other. There were lots of things I learned I did wrong while reading all the self help books and no matter what relationship I am in there will be baggage it just depends on how we deal w/ it and how hard you are willing to work.


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## Corima (Jan 30, 2012)

I would feel badly if she wanted to come back again. Bad for her, because she ruined everything again. The last 7 years of R meant nothing to her. But, it meant something to me and my sons. I would also feel badly for myself. Because I would just have to say, no thankyou. After 21 years, our marriage is truly over. All of the lies, deceits, betrayals, EA's, and PA's and other behaviors are over for me. My self esteem is gradually coming back, and my childrens lives are much more stable. The lack of drama is very comforting. When the thoughts of her coming back creep into my mind, I have to constantly remind myself of all the bad times. Yes, there many that I had rationalized over the years. They were really bad. No more co-dependancy for me any more.


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

I had this same realization today while driving in to work. I was talking to myself (I know, but hey at least I'll never tell me to shut up) and I asked what do I miss about her? I realized I miss who she was, I miss the concept of who she was. Who she is now, I have no common connection with her save for the kids. I couldn't be friends with her because I don't respect her. I don't respect what she has done in the last three months, to make me feel so disposable after 11 years. Mike said it best, when you are rejected you want that person back in order to validate you as a person, as someone who is capable of being loved. I'm learning that the only validation I need is from myself. I have to learn to love myself, bring myself happiness. 

I miss who we were as a couple, we were amazing. However if she were to ask if I would take her back, I'm not sure I could. I'm not sure I could trust her again. It's funny because Mike mentioned how she would always be texting on the end of the couch, My wife did that too all the time towards the end. I would constantly wonder what or who she is talking to.

I miss the fact that at the end the eleven years we shared didn't mean anything to her; she told me the other day she still misses me, she took me for granted. GOOD! You should miss me! I was great to you, and you crapped all over me!


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

Mamatomany said:


> If he were to come to me and say he would want to try for a R, I would definitely do it. We are both human and made mistakes. He says it would never happen because we both have trust issues now. It's true. But trust can be rebuilt. We are both going to have trust issues w/ whomever we get in a relationship w/ until we work on things ourselves.
> I would need transparency w/ whomever I get in a relationship w/ and would offer the same. I know what we did wrong and work to not let them happen again (again it would be the same w/ someone new or my H). We stopped having time alone w/ each other. There were lots of things I learned I did wrong while reading all the self help books and no matter what relationship I am in there will be baggage it just depends on how we deal w/ it and how hard you are willing to work.


Can you recommend any of those books? I'm currently reading divorce remedy. May even call a divorce buster coach. Have a few other Marriage help books, but I need some self-help ones as well.

My wife hasn't forgiven herself. She still feels guilty about our situation. So, she is in the mindset that, I deserve better, I should be happy, she did something horrible, she doesn't want me to hold this over her head the rest of our lives, how can I ever forgive her, etc. She is strongly holding onto those excusues/beliefs as a way of preventing us from working toward R. And, we haven't even gotten to working toward R because she is determined that our M is done. Those trust/intimacy/forgiveness issues were big hurdles down the road.


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

proudwidaddy said:


> I had this same realization today while driving in to work. I was talking to myself (I know, but hey at least I'll never tell me to shut up) and I asked what do I miss about her? *I realized I miss who she was, I miss the concept of who she was. Who she is now, I have no common connection with her save for the kids. *I couldn't be friends with her because I don't respect her. I don't respect what she has done in the last three months, to make me feel so disposable after 11 years. Mike said it best, when you are rejected you want that person back in order to validate you as a person, as someone who is capable of being loved. I'm learning that the only validation I need is from myself. I have to learn to love myself, bring myself happiness.
> 
> *I miss who we were as a couple*, we were amazing. However if she were to ask if I would take her back, I'm not sure I could. I'm not sure I could trust her again. It's funny because Mike mentioned how she would always be texting on the end of the couch, My wife did that too all the time towards the end. I would constantly wonder what or who she is talking to.
> 
> *I miss the fact that at the end the eleven years we shared didn't mean anything to her;* she told me the other day she still misses me, she took me for granted. GOOD! You should miss me! I was great to you, and you crapped all over me!


The bolded areas I can relate to. I'm pissed that she won't try 1 last time, together with me, in a way we never have tried. She never confronted me about how miserable she was.

And yet, there was no abuse, addiction, affair, fighting, etc. Just 2 people who ceased to communicate and ended up as friends with children.

Yet, when you look around, all sorts of 2nd, 3rd, 4th chances are given to spouses in situations that are a million times worse/tragic/horrible than our M ever was. And she is ok with leaving the M, just because we grew apart???


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

Jay that is what gets me too. There was no abuse, infidelity, etc. My wife is a walk away wife, I have read thagt with walk away wives there is nothing you can do. By the time they tell us its too late. Will pose this question to you, why do you still want someone that wants you as an option, a safety net. Are we not worth more rhan just a part time love?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Well said Mike. At first I wanted her back so I could shake the feelings of rejection. Then I started to understand the damage she has done to me, our child's family and herself. I am actually repulsed by her behavior and the choices I suspect she has been making, though I can't really know what those choices are since she is no longer in my life.

As the mother of my child I so wish there were a way to just get over this and for her to be in my life, except now I understand because of what she has shown me I was not #1 to her, and since I was the genuine, complicated, difficult but kind, loving person I am I can never be her #1 if I remain true to myself.

So there is no coming back for her, she made her choice already, which is too bad but at least I am free to be by myself or find someone who will put me #1.


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## mike82 (Oct 24, 2011)

VERY GOOD POINTS EVERYONE. jb, i wonder the same thing, none of our problems were serious enough that they couldnt be worked out. i have 3 young children. i think she failed to realize she is trading one set of problems for another. having 3 children both of us are most likely going to be with other people with children. this is not an easy thing. being a step parent is not easy, just ask my step dad.lol. not to many single people with no kids want all that on their plate. i go out and meet many woman, the bottom feeder woman that i meet dont care, one night stand and then bye. but the nice quality woman that i meet some with kids and also some with no kids,and would like to get to know,begin to back peddle once my 3 children are brought up. i can tell it makes them uneasy. she will have this same problem with men. the brady bunch. what a mess over things that could have been fixed. proud and lon, i completely agree, we were not #1 to these people, and they think of us as a safety net. i dont want to be anyones safety net, i want to be the best thing that ever happened to someone.


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

proudwidaddy said:


> Jay that is what gets me too. There was no abuse, infidelity, etc. My wife is a walk away wife, I have read thagt with walk away wives there is nothing you can do. By the time they tell us its too late. Will pose this question to you, why do you still want someone that wants you as an option, a safety net. Are we not worth more rhan just a part time love?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Bro, I'm not where you're at yet. Your question broke me down. Of course. I'm still in the fantasy/hope where since I contributed partly to where we ended up, by changing me, will it affect her to change, and return to the M open-hearted. except, not return to a M that didn't work. Rather, reunite and create something deeper, more lasting, etc.

For the past several years, I've been miserable with myself. Unhappy, negative, hopeless. Depsite not communicating this to my wife, those are the vibes I was sending and displaying. Instead of my wife vocalizing her concern and misery about me, she pulled back and focused on her.

I admitted several times that I'd stay miserable in the M for the children. Now, I'm reflecting on that belief. Just processing it. That's where I am right now. No farther.

And, let me throw this to you since you are way ahead of me. Have you considered her future relationship(s) and possible failures, and then her reaction/thoughts coming back to you?

Again, right now, I'm on the fence processing chances of R, performing 180, detaching, remaining friendly around each other (due to children).

I'm sure I'll circle back to your question.

Thanks.


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## mike82 (Oct 24, 2011)

as i said before i think if you dig deep enough, the pain of rejection, and being kicked to the curb is what causes a good portion of the pain we feel each day. my pain is not all her, she can be replaced. the rejection makes us feel bad about ourselves and question whats wrong with us. the simple act of being rejected on such a deep level does a tremendous amount of damage to us. think about when you were 14 or 15 and approached a guy or girl to get a number. getting rejected by that person stung badly, and thats a person that you dont even know. but it still hurt. being married or in a long term relationship and getting rejected really hurts. and im starting to see that the majority of my pain is in the rejection, not the loss of her


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## theniceguyy (Dec 16, 2011)

Lon said:


> Well said Mike. At first I wanted her back so I could shake the feelings of rejection. Then I started to understand the damage she has done to me, our child's family and herself. I am actually repulsed by her behavior and the choices I suspect she has been making, though I can't really know what those choices are since she is no longer in my life.
> 
> As the mother of my child I so wish there were a way to just get over this and for her to be in my life, except now I understand because of what she has shown me I was not #1 to her, and since I was the genuine, complicated, difficult but kind, loving person I am I can never be her #1 if I remain true to myself.
> 
> So there is no coming back for her, she made her choice already, which is too bad but at least I am free to be by myself or find someone who will put me #1.


+1. I'm in the same situation and completely agree. No more being #5 in her life!


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

Jayb said:


> The bolded areas I can relate to. I'm pissed that she won't try 1 last time, together with me, in a way we never have tried. She never confronted me about how miserable she was.
> 
> Yet, when you look around, all sorts of 2nd, 3rd, 4th chances are given to spouses in situations that are a million times worse/tragic/horrible than our M ever was. And she is ok with leaving the M, just because we grew apart???


this is exactly how I feel. I could feel us drifting apart but thought it was because we were working long hours and not seeing each other as much. He's now leaving after 13 years without ever having discussed it and with no attempt to even try to work things out

that's the hardest thing for me - feels like those years meant nothing. There's lots of talk about us still being friends but the rejection is pretty raw


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

mike82 said:


> VERY GOOD POINTS EVERYONE. jb, i wonder the same thing, none of our problems were serious enough that they couldnt be worked out. i have 3 young children. i think she failed to realize she is trading one set of problems for another. *having 3 children both of us are most likely going to be with other people with children*. this is not an easy thing. being a step parent is not easy, just ask my step dad.lol. not to many single people with no kids want all that on their plate. i go out and meet many woman, the bottom feeder woman that i meet dont care, one night stand and then bye. but the nice quality woman that i meet some with kids and also some with no kids,and *would like to get to know,begin to back peddle once my 3 children are brought up. i can tell it makes them uneasy.* she will have this same problem with men. the brady bunch. what a mess over things that could have been fixed. proud and lon, i completely agree, we were not #1 to these people, and they think of us as a safety net. i dont want to be anyones safety net, i want to be the best thing that ever happened to someone.


Yep, something to consider. I have fantasies about meeting other willing women, but, they are fleeting at this time. My buddy who knows both of us said that, my wife thinks more highly of herself and will probably attempt to get with a younger man, only to be left when the idea of her 2 children come up. Grass not greener... At the time, his comment comforted me.

Another guy said to me that the cycle of life these days is that couples marry, have children, divorce, remarry and raise other children. That is so depressing and goes against everything in my core. Not only for me, but for the children to be exposed to this and the normalcy of it in our culture.

That being said, I assume it is easier for women to choose and hook up with/establish relationships with men, than it is for us. I can't even think about another man exposed to my children.

The flip side is, watching my wife move on with someone else (with children or not)---things I cannot control---and me, alone, still working on myself, still lonely and alone.


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

Dollystanford said:


> this is exactly how I feel. I could feel us drifting apart but thought it was because we were working long hours and not seeing each other as much. He's now leaving after 13 years without ever having discussed it and with no attempt to even try to work things out
> 
> that's the hardest thing for me - feels like those years meant nothing. There's lots of talk about us still being friends but the rejection is pretty raw


Yeah, because if you're good enough to be a friend, yet not good enough to try--even 1 last time when both of you are actively committed to it--then, what have those years meant? Which sort of reinforces how different she has become and I am embarking on becoming.


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## Traggy (Jan 26, 2012)

I want you all to remember that no matter what has happened in our relationships that we have to strive to forgive. 

If they come back sincerely, willing to change, willing to love, seek help, work together, show trust, etc.

How could you turn that away?


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## sd212 (Feb 24, 2012)

Proud, Mike, Daisy and Jay

You are the folks I most often identify with around here. You are thinking and experiencing so many of the same things I am.

My stance on this point though, I would take her back so fast. I have had those same nights of thinking how hard it would be to have the images in my head of her being with someone else and worrying that she would bail again but it wouldn't stop me a this point. 

Having her next to me in bed would be so incredible and I would have her. You are right though, she would have to be so completely head over heels in love with me again for me to be convinced. I'd still take it though. If nothing else, just to try!


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## mike82 (Oct 24, 2011)

dont feel too bad jb, its a hell of a hill for woman to climb as well. i have many friends who have no children and they have all told me they would run for the hills rather than be with a woman with kids, they dont want the headaches and b.s. im sure there are guys who could careless about someone having kids,but im sure they have issues as well everone does. i agree with what u said about society being so messed up raising other peoples kids. but just remember this the stresses of dealing with other peoples kids will most likely not make her any happier than she was with you. one set of problems for another. step kids are brutal. there is a constant tension. i see this often with my friends who have step children. its a difficult thing that creates a whole new set of problems. shes not thinking about that now, but oneday it will be reality. whoever is going to be my kids step dad wont have it easy. them boys love me to death. im sure it will get old hearing about how great i am all the time. i know my ex wife is tired of hearing it now. my kids wish they could live with me now. this guy better pack a lunch, my three boys are alot of work, and when they are teenangers i cant imagine.lol


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## mike82 (Oct 24, 2011)

traggy, i definitly agree about the forgiveness part, it is essential to healing. last summer as my grandmother lay dying my wife texted the night away with this guy. the day of the funeral as well. my grandmother raised me and i was not closer with anyone else in this world. my wife knew that. she didnt care. that is how i could turn that away


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

sd212 said:


> Proud, Mike, Daisy and Jay
> 
> You are the folks I most often identify with around here. You are thinking and experiencing so many of the same things I am.
> 
> ...


I agree with you. I'm still hoping and praying for R, but it won't be in my timetable, nor in the way I had assumed. So, until then, my focus will be on making me happier/content for Me first, with the goal of serving others. This in turn will allow me to open up to others, be more loving, be more trusting, invest in friendships, etc. Things I have held back on for years, because of my misery and focus on me, me, me.


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

mike82 said:


> dont feel too bad jb, its a hell of a hill for woman to climb as well. i have many friends who have no children and they have all told me they would run for the hills rather than be with a woman with kids, they dont want the headaches and b.s. im sure there are guys who could careless about someone having kids,but im sure they have issues as well everone does. i agree with what u said about society being so messed up raising other peoples kids. but just remember this the stresses of dealing with other peoples kids will most likely not make her any happier than she was with you. one set of problems for another. step kids are brutal. there is a constant tension. i see this often with my friends who have step children. its a difficult thing that creates a whole new set of problems. shes not thinking about that now, but oneday it will be reality. whoever is going to be my kids step dad wont have it easy. them boys love me to death. im sure it will get old hearing about how great i am all the time. i know my ex wife is tired of hearing it now. my kids wish they could live with me now. this guy better pack a lunch, my three boys are alot of work, and when they are teenangers i cant imagine.lol


All of this is true. And, my wife admits it. she said she's ready to be single/alone. She hopes not, but, she accepts it. Now, that's what she says.

Until then, we'll both grow, change, etc., so that we may both feel differently at that time. who knows?

But at this momen, I want her to realize it and start a new M with me, rather than realize it and continue down this path. Both, I have no control over. It's her choice. And, while I'd feel sad and bad if she struggles, it's her life and right to choose.


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

I am a little nervous about tonight, I'm going to the house to pick up the kids for the night, and my stbxw is going out with her friends for a St. Patrick's Day Celebration. I'm nervous at how I'm going to respond to how she looks from being dressed up. Her looks are amazing, and she still takes my breath away. I don't want to give her too much power, but damn she still looks good to me. 

Any suggestions?


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## mike82 (Oct 24, 2011)

@ jb, i completely understand. who knows what the future holds, you guys may be in a different place down the road and maybe it could work out. i know that you want it to work now as did i, but the sad truth is until she goes out and sees whats out there chances are if u got back together now she would feel the same way she does now 5 years from now, thus u would go through it again. the only way that you would be truely appriciated and loved, is when she goes out and sees that no one is like you. its gonna take her getting tossed on her ass or screwed over a couple times for her to get it, and realize how great u were. until then she will take u for granted and never realize what she has. its really sad that it has to be this way. oneday she may come back, maybe you will still want her, but chances are your heart will be recovered by then and you will have found happiness again. thats usually when they come back, when you have moved on and things are going well. but who knows you both could want to give it another shot by then. she has to lose u to appriciate u, otherwise the feelings that she has now will remain and cause issues down the road.


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## mike82 (Oct 24, 2011)

play it cool proud, whatever u do dont compliment her on how nice she looks. call a friend before going in the house and remain on the phone when picking up the kids, pause for a second to go over details with her, then get back on the phone and give her a little wave before u leave. just act pre occupied and act like u barely notice her


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

proudwidaddy said:


> I am a little nervous about tonight, I'm going to the house to pick up the kids for the night, and my stbxw is going out with her friends for a St. Patrick's Day Celebration. I'm nervous at how I'm going to respond to how she looks from being dressed up. Her looks are amazing, and she still takes my breath away. I don't want to give her too much power, but damn she still looks good to me.
> 
> Any suggestions?


Elvis Presley Devil in Disguise - YouTube

You look like an angel, but you're the devil in disguise.


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

mike82 said:


> @ jb, i completely understand. who knows what the future holds, *you guys may be in a different place down the road and maybe it could work out*. i know that you want it to work now as did i, but the sad truth is until she goes out and sees whats out there chances are if u got back together now she would feel the same way she does now 5 years from now, thus u would go through it again. *the only way that you would be truely appriciated and loved, is when she goes out and sees that no one is like you. its gonna take her getting tossed on her ass or screwed over a couple times for her to get it, and realize how great u were*. until then she will take u for granted and never realize what she has. its really sad that it has to be this way. oneday she may come back, maybe you will still want her, but chances are your heart will be recovered by then and you will have found happiness again. thats usually when they come back, when you have moved on and things are going well. but who knows you both could want to give it another shot by then. *she has to lose u to appriciate u, otherwise the feelings that she has now will remain and cause issues down the road*.


I can appreciate all of this. It's all future, but I find my emotions get caught up in possibilities years down the road.
I'm not sure how I'd react, if I witnessed another man in her life, for a year or 2, around my children, etc., only for that relationship to fail, and then her approach me. I would pray to God that I'd be in a very different place than I am now, because, at that time, she'd really have to crawl across glass for me to believe her regret, etc.


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## Traggy (Jan 26, 2012)

proudwidaddy said:


> I am a little nervous about tonight, I'm going to the house to pick up the kids for the night, and my stbxw is going out with her friends for a St. Patrick's Day Celebration. I'm nervous at how I'm going to respond to how she looks from being dressed up. Her looks are amazing, and she still takes my breath away. I don't want to give her too much power, but damn she still looks good to me.
> 
> Any suggestions?



*Tell her she looks great! Be overly happy to pick your kids up. Tell her to have a great night and that you hope she enjoys the break and that she has a great time. Smile and then walk away. *

Do it confidently and do it like you mean it. Better yet, mean it.

It is a lot easy to be happy and caring than it is to be angry or scared. 

Fake it till you make it. Be like this all the time you are around her. Be loving, compassionate, and kind. It will be hard, but it will show her exactly the man that you are. 

No one knows what the future holds, be it one way or the other, at least have the pride in yourself and stop letting her define the emotional state that you are in. PM me later my friend, sure I will need it. It is another date night.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

my exw i did not want back and wouldnt take her back.

my recent exgf, would have done anything to get her to come back. now, ive gotten past that.


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## OldGirl (Feb 20, 2012)

mike82 said:


> play it cool proud, whatever u do dont compliment her on how nice she looks. call a friend before going in the house and remain on the phone when picking up the kids, pause for a second to go over details with her, then get back on the phone and give her a little wave before u leave. just act pre occupied and act like u barely notice her


:iagree: this is a great idea Proud; do this.


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## melissa68 (Feb 10, 2012)

mamatomany, kinda off track but I just clicked on the link you have for mlc for dummies...omg....I swear my crazy stbxh must of read that page as he has used/fits every little paragraph.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

proudwidaddy said:


> I am a little nervous about tonight, I'm going to the house to pick up the kids for the night, and my stbxw is going out with her friends for a St. Patrick's Day Celebration. I'm nervous at how I'm going to respond to how she looks from being dressed up. Her looks are amazing, and she still takes my breath away. I don't want to give her too much power, but damn she still looks good to me.
> 
> Any suggestions?


Keep it in your shorts!
Don't react, that's what she wants
Stay focused
You can do it!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

daisygirl 41 said:


> Keep it in your shorts!
> Don't react, that's what she wants
> Stay focused
> You can do it!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


[email protected]!


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Traggy said:


> *Tell her she looks great! Be overly happy to pick your kids up. Tell her to have a great night and that you hope she enjoys the break and that she has a great time. Smile and then walk away. *
> 
> Do it confidently and do it like you mean it. Better yet, mean it.
> 
> ...


Nice post!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## melissa68 (Feb 10, 2012)

I love your post Traggy.
I think that is great advice for all of us going through this. I don't want to be defined by his choices any more. I'm usually a very happy, kind person and around him alls I seem to have is hurt and why's and tears. 

Fake it till you make it....I'm going to be the happiest person he's ever seen :smthumbup:


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## cabbage65 (Feb 14, 2012)

first i lost hope of him coming back, now i've lost interest. i've decided i want to continue steering my life the way it's been going, and i look forward to the future. sure there are bummer days but i know for sure i wouldn't want him back. and just knowing for sure is a comfort, in a way.

and Mike--you don't have to "hope she never comes back" because she can't without your permission!


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## cabbage65 (Feb 14, 2012)

daisygirl 41 said:


> Keep it in your shorts!


:lol: i love it!!!


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## mike82 (Oct 24, 2011)

good stuff everyone. great to get different perspectives


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## melissa68 (Feb 10, 2012)

I love your post Traggy.
I think that is great advice for all of us going through this. I don't want to be defined by his choices any more. I'm usually a very happy, kind person and around him alls I seem to have is hurt and why's and tears. 

Fake it till you make it....I'm going to be the happiest person he's ever seen :smthumbup:


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## Wildflower3 (Nov 20, 2011)

Jayb said:


> The bolded areas I can relate to. I'm pissed that she won't try 1 last time, together with me, in a way we never have tried. She never confronted me about how miserable she was.
> 
> And yet, there was no abuse, addiction, affair, fighting, etc. Just 2 people who ceased to communicate and ended up as friends with children.
> 
> Yet, when you look around, all sorts of 2nd, 3rd, 4th chances are given to spouses in situations that are a million times worse/tragic/horrible than our M ever was. And she is ok with leaving the M, just because we grew apart???


I feel your pain there. He says he focused so much on work and not on our relationship, that we never took the time, never invested in our marriage, so we just aren't the same people, it was never a priority, blah blah blah. 

So why not try now? Why not make it a priority now?? So, if it was so easy for him to throw his hands up and say "I just don't love you", what would make him change his mind? If he did change his mind, how could I trust that it wouldn't be so easy for him to throw his hands up again? Would I want to deal with that pain all over again? I would like a R, but would I feel safe again? Would my wall come down enough to let him back in?


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## Set me FREE (Sep 5, 2011)

When he crossed that bridge to actually leave the family...I burnt the bridge down. I finally had the courage to call him out on the abuse and I cite the abuse on everything that I fill out for benefits, assistance, innocent spouse relief forms, hell I even tell my bill collectors the the odd ones of his to call me looking for him. 

If I have to live with what he did to me he is going to own what he did...if he doesn't like being labeled an abuser he shouldn't have abused me.


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## melissa68 (Feb 10, 2012)

Thats exactly what I tell my stbxh....you don't like the wording I use...abuser, abandonment....shouldn't of been them...


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Traggy said:


> I want you all to remember that no matter what has happened in our relationships that we have to strive to forgive.
> 
> If they come back sincerely, willing to change, willing to love, seek help, work together, show trust, etc.
> 
> How could you turn that away?


Forgiveness has absolutely nothing to do with deciding if you want to form a new relationship with this person who unilaterally destroyed the last one.

For me, I am coming to the realization that I am better off without her - her affair wasn't just a mistake, it speaks to the kind of person she is, who was herself the one so unhappy in the marriage because she had withdrawn. Her refusal to fully participate, choices to continually put her feelings ahead of all else and end the marriage by betraying me is what caused her to be unhappy and it will take a lot for her to ever understand that.

Even if she does, I have come to accept and forgive already, the marriage is over, and I have clear evidence that I am better off finding the kind of person more compatible... I have come to accept the mantra she was yelling at me from the midst of her affair fog that "maybe we just don't get it right the first time."

Before she left and made her priorities clear I had reasonable grounds to fight for the marriage and offer to do some more heavy lifting, but she repeatedly and adamantly declined my love. So now I have my own priorities and that doesn't include reconciling with her, nor does it mean befriending her, simply means forgiving her, stepping up to my role as coparent and easing my own heart so I have it to give when I meet the next great woman in my life.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I guess I'm the odd man out here. I would not let me wife back in my life even if she begged me. The last eighteen years of our marriage (since the first time she cheated on me) were actually quite good from a husband-wife perspective. Looking back I find ( now that I have absorbed the fact that she is a serial cheater and a moral degenerate) that I have a hard time remembering what our life was like before January 23.

I've been boxing up old photos of us traveling to Scotland, Brazil, England and Mexico... tons of parties and pics of nights out on the town... and what strikes me is that for some reason I cannot remember any of it. 

The only thing I can remember clearly is the day I got the text message that was meant for her OM, the msg that broke her latest affair wide open and ended our relationship. Everything before that is a void. It really is bizarre. Almost like a selective amnesia.

The hardest part for me is not the cheating or rejection (since I rejected her back) but the knowledge that for the last 18 years she pulled the wool over my eyes and made me think what we had was real. I always saw myself as street smart and a bit more on the ball than most folks, and the realization that I was duped by the finest con-woman in the Southwest has done a number on my intellectual pride. In short, she made me feel like the biggest sucker on the planet.


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## cabbage65 (Feb 14, 2012)

theniceguyy said:


> +1. I'm in the same situation and completely agree. No more being #5 in her life!


yep that's just about where i fell too...


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## desert-rose (Aug 16, 2011)

I'm an overly forgiving person. I don't feel beaten down by disappointment because I usually expect it from people. I didn't expect it from WH (which is why I crumbled when I discovered his deceit); I didn't have any guards up at all and I went all in to the marriage without holding anything off to the side in case I was bored or wanted out. Unfortunately, that wasn't the case with him. I think he's a serial cake-eater. He's got a lot of issues. I was really hurt when I first found out about his affairs and it still hurts me to think about them. However, if he decided to apologize and try to work things out with me, I'd try. I guess that's why I'm still in limbo. I do wish he would stop behaving the way he is. He claimed that he stopped talking to the APs, but I don't believe him. Instead of apologizing, he's trying to bully me into accepting that he did nothing wrong and I overreacted (which is ridiculous). He's trying to manipulate my feelings so I feel bad that he is miserable, so I feel afraid, and so that I seek protection from him because he used to make me feel safe. This is the most hurtful part of it for me. The things he has said since DDay & separation, his unwillingness to be transparent or accept responsibility for his actions, and his choice to expect me to make every concession while he makes none and punishes me for calling him out on his own bad behavior....that's the part that hurts. I'd probably take him back because I love him. However, I will never love him as fully or as completely as I did because I will never be able to trust him the way I once did and because he killed the kindness in me. I might feel in some ways better that he did come back, but I'd never feel special to him again. He sent me beautiful gifts, but....the only one I want is the words "I'm sorry I hurt you and I will try my hardest not to do it again". I just have to believe that they are true. Problem is....he may feel guilty or upset that he was caught out, but he isn't remorseful about what he did.  It sucks to be in love with someone who treats you badly. It would be better to move on, but I can't yet.


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