# Checking Out



## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

Where am I along the divorce timeline? The latest thing that has came my way is the notion of "checking out". I find that I am no longer motivated to do much around the house.

I have rationalized it as "letting my wife see a preview of coming attractions." I have not intervened when my daughter wanted to stay at her friends house despite having a crappy math grade. I have not road shotgun when even my 4 year old refused a bath. She cannot control them effectively. This much is already apparent.

My wife is so proud of "her job raising 6 wonderful kids." The sad reality is that they won't stay too wonderful for long in my absence. I can see this already. I need to get in the game, but part of me is more than prepared to just sit back and watch the whole world burn. I don't get it. This is not me, or at least wasn't me.

I realize I am somewhat depressed. This is a relatively recent addition to my life. I figure it is natural from what I have read, and is just a part of the grieving process for my marriage. Still it sucks, because it makes me conserve my actions.

My wife realizes she is "getting to me". However, what she doesn't fathom is the tremendous role I play in her life being stable and happy. I feel I am her adversary now. I size her up the way I would gauge an opponent on the mat. I study her habits and notice her weaknesses. She is easy to exploit...but to what end do I profit from this?

I do not like the man I am becoming in this relationship. My marriage is definitely no longer a healthy place for me. Why aren't there any simple answers? Every direction is uphill. 

I am not even sure that journaling on this form is even healthy for me. Perhaps it is leading me to overanalyze my marriage and unnecessarily react to shadows. *I guess you question everything when you know nothing. *
LIL


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## bpk (Dec 22, 2009)

Talk to a doctor and get the depression checked out. My wife knew she should be doing things, but physically could not due to the depression. Depression is weird on how it affects a person. You know something is wrong but can't stop doing it. Anyways your kids need you. Do it for them.You are correct, they need a father.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## D8zed (Mar 12, 2009)

Ignore my question.....I just read your other thread.

Good luck.


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## lost1234 (Aug 24, 2009)

LIL,

I understand COMPLETELY what you are saying.

my h expects me to be able and effective at playing the roles of mom and dad...

let me tell you first hand...your presence alone in your home makes a huge difference! whether you are doing anything or you have parked yourself somewhere doing nothing!

how old are your kids? 6 children would be a big handful for any one person to have control over at all times...

if you are feeling and know you are depressed, do something constructive about it...my husband wont set aside his pride and admit he needs some help. we are all human. no one is perfect.

if i sound offensive i dont mean to...this is a sore subject with me for the children. our 8 y/o has some problems...he walked out and then will pick apart my weaknesses...not fair. took both to bring these precious kids into the world...its a bunch of bs that any spouse would walk, or sit back and watch. they need both parents, not support checks.

love, attention, thats all they crave and it is us they should be getting it from right?

if you dont want to be around your wife, do something with the kids. that is what i have been doing.


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

I am a Dr. bpk. In my professional opinion, depression does not always "need" to be treated. I believe in my particular case, it is the "expected emotion" of the moment. It's arrival is relatively recent, and timed precisely with the realization that I don't believe my marriage can be salvaged.

I think it is natural and even healthy to grieve for a marriage. My sadness doesn't extend beyond that arena, and I still have tremendous value for myself as a human being. I'm seeing it as a means of conservation of energy for the unpleasant work ahead. Furthermore, I can see a brighter future in front of me. It will just take some climbing to "get to it". LIL


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

lost1234 I think that very few people would ever notice a difference in my performance. It's just that I used to do so much, and now I just do what I need to. Everything still gets done. It's just I no longer feel obligated to do the perks.

My wife has unwisely removed her support from me for sometime, now she is finding out that by not supporting me, I become limited in how I can support her. It's like two walls that join together that strengthen one another, or at least it was. Now it's more like a pile of rubble, but the metaphor stands nonetheless. LIL


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

lastinline said:


> I have not intervened when my daughter wanted to stay at her friends house despite having a crappy math grade. I have not road shotgun when even my 4 year old refused a bath. She cannot control them effectively. This much is already apparent.


I guess your trying to make a point with not intervening, but that's not the right way to go about it. Those are your children as well so you need to still be a parent and discipline when necessary and step in as well. Divorced or not, getting along together or not, its no excuse for not parenting. I struggle with that everyday. But its not my kids fault and its not your kids fault. You still have a duty as a father. Dont try and make a point by using the kids.


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

Well said Ash 22. A lot of has to do with no communication between my wife and myself resulting in my literally "not being in the loop". My wife has always been the easier parent, and my daughter is at an age where she realizes she can exploit this. You are right though, I will climb back into the loop. LIL


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## beninneedofhelp (Nov 24, 2009)

Its a tough one but you still need to help with the kids while you are there but yes i agree i too tend to over think things when i no nothing as well and when the other is closed off and not being totally open it makes it hard , but you got to stay yourself when dealing with the kids end of things


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Let's be reasonable. Parenting, and interceding on behalf of a parent catching a beatdown by offspring are not the same thing. My kids pull crap with their mother that they wouldn't dream of trying with me, and vice versa. 

Her learning to cope without your contribution to the fray, or emotional support is a reality - despite the fact that it will be easier for her to still make it your fault.

Wife still calls me every time she has to shovel the driveway, telling me how much she hates it, and how long it took her. 

I know exactly what you are doing LIL, and it's just fine. Don't ruminate over it. Jump in if truly needed, else ... she and they, will deal with it. Doesn't make you a bastard.

Your entire family is going to have to figure out some new dynamics, and there are bound to be aspects that nobody particularly likes.

The arc of your emotions is normal, acceptable and justified. It effing hurts and it effing sucks.


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

Disagree with you. Parenting and interceding on behalf of the other parent are indeed different. And yes the wife, in this case, will have to learn a new set of family dynamics and yes it has changed. However no its not fine to let the kids just do what they want with the other parent and to not intercede in a certain way. If you found out your kids were doing something over at your ex's house that you disagree with you would keep quiet and not say anything bc hey she (or he) needs to learn how to deal with that. Sorry I find out my kids are doing something I disagree with or is harming them, I'm interceding.

Main Point: Again its not our kids fault that our marriages failed. Put aside the pride and who needs to do what and who needs to just get used to certain things, and just raise the kids right. Thats the main point.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

LIL: It's perfectly natural to grief the death of your marriage of your old life.

It's also extremely difficult when you are under the same roof and you know the marriage is ending. It's a surreal life..almost like you go through the motions. You teeter between hope and despair.

The forum has helped me all along. Overanalyzing is a part of the process of figuring it out. Almost like journal in front of a crowd. For some the process is overwhelming and consuming. It has been for me as well. I continued as it was almost cathartic to have a semi instant response.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Ash22 said:


> Disagree with you. Parenting and interceding on behalf of the other parent are indeed different. And yes the wife, in this case, will have to learn a new set of family dynamics and yes it has changed. However no its not fine to let the kids just do what they want with the other parent and to not intercede in a certain way. If you found out your kids were doing something over at your ex's house that you disagree with you would keep quiet and not say anything bc hey she (or he) needs to learn how to deal with that. Sorry I find out my kids are doing something I disagree with or is harming them, I'm interceding.


You misunderstand. I am referring to, as I'm assuming LIL is, circumstances in the moment ... not patterns of negative or harmful behavior. From my perspective this isn't about the child's behavior, it's about the spouses behavior. LIL is going to be in the home with his stbx for some time. There is nothing wrong with separating while you are still under the same roof.

Whereas previously in marriage I felt compelled and wanted to assist to lighten the load if mom was feeling flustered, I will now either remain disengaged or ask her if she wants help (I'm not in the home, so these circumstances are rare).
For a few months after the separation, my wife continued assuming if I was present, then we were partners which meant I was supposed to lighten her load.

I get the impression that you see it as being passive aggressive, or adversarial. It isn't. Certainly not for me and my wife anymore. But In LIL's case maybe it is, and I'm still saying that's ok under the circumstances.

My point is there is a difference between wanting to ease the burden of your overwhelmed spouse, versus parenting or disciplining a child. I'm not looking to shirk the latter, nor do I believe that's what LIL is doing.


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

I think you nailed it Deejo. I am not looking to make her life easier anymore. However, I am still very much concerned with the day to day functioning of my children's lifes.

My wife has became very permissive with my children recently. It is my opinion that she is basically "soliciting" them to stay with her after the separation. I won't pander for points, but my values have never really been hers.

I would be interested Ash22 in your sharing with me "the power" that allows you to influence events where you are not present. I would also like to remind you that we are talking about relatively small infractions, like sleep overs during a holiday break. Last time I checked, my kids aren't "doing black tar heroine."

It's just that historically we have been very consistent with our approach to parenting. This has been more of a reflection of me, as I have always been the "hammer" or "bad cop" parent. It has worked well though, as the one salvageable product we have from our marriage are six very good kids. 

I'm looking for viable options at this point to divorce. I just don't see any. I am not the perfect husband by any means, but I have been a far better husband than she has been a wife. If I honestly rated the discord within our marriage I would score it 30% my fault, 70% hers. Her own Mom scored it 80%/20% my favor, but you're still right Ash22, even 30% is way too much. LIL


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

lastinline said:


> I would be interested Ash22 in your sharing with me "the power" that allows you to influence events where you are not present. I would also like to remind you that we are talking about relatively small infractions, like sleep overs during a holiday break. Last time I checked, my kids aren't "doing black tar heroine."


Sarcasm was not needed. Simply offering up my opinion. But I'm sure you know what's best for your family. Good luck to you and your kids.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

LIL: Do what is best for you kids. If they need your discipline then provide it. 

She will flounder as you have been a couple for many years. Your job is to protect your kids as best as you can. Don't worry about your wife as she will need to find her way around life. 

It's extremely difficult to NOT be a couple while in the same household. I know....you aren't a happily married couple. Nontheless, you are a couple. 

I asked my husband, when he mentioned divorce...."how do we disentangle our lives? We have been a part of each others life since I was 14." He didn't have an answer. 

That's the hard part...we shared everything. What a nightmare.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

As long as there are no health and safety issues regarding how a mother with six kids gives a four year old a bath, I think you can stay out of the way without worrying if she needs help. If the four year old needs parental discipline, the mother is right there in the room to do it.

Maybe I don't understand. I thought SAHM's were good at this sort of thing....

You're divorcing. Feeling depressed is normal. If you're thinking about climbing the bell tower with a sniper rifle, then you should probably seek help, but otherwise just work through it.


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

I hear you Corpuswife, but it's time to sit down with my "tangled ball of yarn" and begin the tedious process of unraveling it. She told me this morning before work that she "lawyered up". Ah, it begins...

She says it would be best if I declared bankruptcy now. There's an ominous financial threat if ever I heard one. I retorted with a simple "if you need help writing your job resume, just let me know". Ahh, ain't love grand.

To be honest, she's been getting a little weird on me. She's lately been obesessing on what my next wife will be like, and we were in her car yesterday and she suddenly started screaming, and I mean screaming at me, to "get the hell out". 

I am seriously glad that I am me and she is she. I would hate to be on the receiving end of her "wrath" if she had any serious physical combat skills. I know hatred when I see it, and she definitely took it out of her box and was playing with it. 

On a brighter note, my car is out of the shop today...stupid starter. My days just seem to be better with the least amount of my wife in them as possible. I don't think she is adjusting well to the concept of divorce. 

Atholk, if you happen to pass by any bell towers on the way to work, look up and run like hell if you see a middle aged redheaded woman with a loaded M24 and an ammo bag. LIL


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

lastinline said:


> To be honest, she's been getting a little weird on me. She's lately been obesessing on what my next wife will be like, and we were in her car yesterday and she suddenly started screaming, and I mean screaming at me, to "get the hell out".


I forget what the cycle of griefing is for women. Isn't it Denial - Anger - Bargining - Shopping - Paxil or something? I think she just moved from Denial to Anger.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Be careful LIL. It's good that you can remain calm as possible. 

I hope, for the sake of your family, that lawyering up isn't going to be a long, drawn out project.

My H and I have a divorce that is to be envied among friends and family. Aren't I proud? (sarcastic) We were uncontested and worked out the details on our own. 

Anyways. We hired really good lawyers but had to keep them in check as to not want to stir the pot. My H, on several occasions, had to get his lawyer to follow his directions-taming the shrew I think it might be called. 

We were supposed to do this as cheap and easy as possible.

Then, my H hired a bulldog attorney. One with a nice, aggressive reputation. Then, I HAD to hire a similiar one.

Why? Because I can't fight a bulldog with a poodle. 

This is the hard part. Fight for mediation if possible. 

I don't envy you LIL.


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

CW, it's par for the course with my wife, promise one thing yet deliver another. She's "hell bent" on getting a good settlement from me, and riding that for 15 or so years until her mom passes. Then she'll get the "big bucks".

Part of me feels bad for her, and part of me feels bad for me. I wonder what I could have accomplished if I had a wife that "bought in" to the whole marriage thing.

I got a book about Nancy Reagan for Christmas. For the record, I'm a huge Ronnie fan, and I've always felt Nancy was a bit of a kook. However, after skimming a bit of her memoirs, I can honestly say "boy she sure did know how to support her Hubby". A++++ marks there. The tarrot thing is still weird...real weird. LIL


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

LIL: I am a fan of RR as well. I always felt she was ultra supportive. I love biographies myself.

Well, time will tell on the settlement. Not sure what state you are in or how liberal they are regarding divorce settlement/alimony etc.


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

I live In CA Corpuswife. I'm probably "F'd". Even the fact she had an affair and is techincally "at fault", is just about on par with her favorite color being royal blue.

In the jaundiced eyes of our courts there is "no fault", and this little adultery fact is too incidenetal for our enlightened courts to even bother with. 

From what I've researched, the vast majority of CA divorce cases are by far "No Fault", and it's a friggin nightmare to try to steer the court in any other direction. I guess I'll just go with the "legal current", rather than risk waiting two years to get on a court docket. 

Anyway, she's driving to a nearby major city that just happens to be about 100 miles away today, to meet with her lawyer. How does that happen on New Years Day? I'll tell you, he's related to a friend.

The sad news, is that I helped this "friend's husband" two years ago get properly diagnosed for his back. Because of my input, he avoided a potentially life altering and unnecessary spinal surgery. I guess no good deed goes unpunished. WTF, then again as messed up as my marriage is, maybe she is doing me a favor.

Regardless, I've calculated child support, and I plan to contest alimony, especially long term. My wife was very "interested" in my numbers. She was also very "pissed" that I had them already. I explained to her that that high level doctorate degree that "she got for me", taught me a lot of things about a lot of things. 

One of the many fruits of education and a strong science background, is the ability to do research and projections. Another I mentioned, is that I look [email protected] sexy in a lab coat. "I make this look good." Sorry, for "cheesing" your lines Will Smith.

There is only a single letter difference between her name and my name. I offered to get some white out from my desk and give her my friggin degrees and license since she obviously feels she "did all the work". 

"F", I just went to class, sat the exams, and did the rotations. She's right, what did I really do? She could of did it too. Hmm, except for the GPA and work ethic issues. Then there is the short term memory thingy. Aside from that though, she's golden.

I told her I'd go sell pharmaceuticals for awhile, and she could "play Dr.". I think she likes that game. "Besides", I quipped, "the female reps are always really hot." Needless to say, I rung in 2010 on the couch. 

Well, in closing "Madam Olga" issued her psychic prediction about my "new wife". God, does she go on about that. It really has become her new thing. She thinks it gets to me, but it's just so friggin bizarre it just shuts me down. 

Anyway Madam O has consulted the cards, tea leaves, or squirrel bones, and has revealed to me that my next wife will be pretty and athletic. Hopefully, that wasn't just "pretty athletic". [email protected] gypsies, they never give transcripts.

I'm told she's also very smart and ambitious. Furthermore, she doesn't sleep either, because she too is a coffee hound. Finally, she'll be a professional like me, and she'll only have one or two kids. Talk about score!!! 

The sad truth is, I never wanted to "change wifes". I just wanted to have my "wife change", and yes I explained this to her, but apparently this way is easier for her. LIL


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I know you are angry LIL. It's a hard road to walk and see your life come apart.... as the person that you love won't change for the better.

CA...you may just be F'd! HA....at least this is what I've read and heard. She'll probably qualify for spousal/alimony but do it on a limited basis if you can come to some sort of agreement.

2010 will be a year of change for you and your family. It will be very difficult but you are a strong man with faith. That will see you through. 

I pray for your peace LIL as it has done many great things for me. Above any other emotion, it has allowed me to think clearly.


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