# Newly separated, wife has male "best friend"



## trustno1 (Jun 28, 2014)

Sorry for the long, rambling first post...but I'm going crazy here. I am newly separated and I am seeking advice or a road I should travel. Here is the background:

Currently this is my second marriage. I met my current wife will in the midst of divorcing the first. We were great friends, bought a house, later got married and have a 9 month old daughter. Currently we are married 3 years in SEP.

About two years ago my grandfather and her grandfather passed around the same time. Side note, I am a veteran of two tours in Iraq...I met my current wife after I came home and have been not exactly the "emotional" type. After they passed my wife had a hard time and couldn't talk to me because 1. I was still grieving, and 2. I am label "cold hearted and emotionless" by her.

She befriended a married man at her work and has become "best friends" since then. Fast forward two years, long disscussions about how I am not ok with her relationship and she "doesn't care what I think". We hit a rough patch last week, she doesn't take care of my needs, and I obviously lack in her mind...she decided to take a drive to "clear her head".

She ended up in an area that is a 15 minute ride from her "best friend" all the while stating she was "alone". Well I found out she saw him that day and walked the park with him...behind my back. Now that we can't trust each other at all, I pulled the plug.

Was I too harsh? Honestly I think it's too far gone to salvage because funny thing is...her relationship with him is EXACTLY the relationship I had with her when I was with my first wife, the rest is history.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

No you aren't being too harsh. She's having an affair.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

You need to dump your wife. Stop interacting with her about anything other than your daughter. The bills and all the other inescapable things that tie you together can be dealt with in emails. Let her feel what life is going to be without you.

Read about the 180


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

You are doing exactly the right thing. Hit her with the papers ASAP. However, when you make decisive moves (especially moves that show you have options when it comes to women) you make yourself more attractive to the WW. That's just the way they think; so be ready for a possible Damascus Road conversion.

Expose the affair to the OM's wife ASAP.


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## trustno1 (Jun 28, 2014)

Thanks for the replies...his wife knows of the relationship and they have seperated also.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

I think you did the right thing. She has plenty of options in this case and you do too and the one option she doesn't have is involving another man in your marriage and it doesn't matter if your living apart.


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## trustno1 (Jun 28, 2014)

I haven't said I wanted to end it yet. She wants to have her cake and eat it too. One minute shes "loves" me the next she "can't trust my emotions".


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

You're somewhere in the neighborhood of 100% correct here, and it's good to see a betrayed spouse (and a betrayed husband, no less) demonstrate decisiveness. You might be surprised at the number of absolute "doormat" husbands that we see here, and it's not at all limited to people w/ non-"Type A" (military, police, EMT, etc) personalities.

Bravo!


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

trustno1 said:


> I haven't said I wanted to end it yet. She wants to have her cake and eat it too. One minute shes "loves" me the next she "can't trust my emotions".


This is nothing short of absolute bullsh*t. Either she comes home and recommits to your and your marriage, or you're done. Right?

What are your deal-breakers? If, for example, you were to discover that they'd already entered into a physical relationship, would that be all that you needed to pull the plug once and for all?


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## trustno1 (Jun 28, 2014)

I have my mind made up already...it's over. She is the one back peddling...you can't be a woman, and be friends with a man without the man wanting a piece. I've been there. I'm meeting a lawyer next week. It's time to do me and move on with my life.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Oh it's been somewhat physical, I'm sure. 2 years of "best friends"? Yea. 

You did the right thing. Keep moving forward.


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## trustno1 (Jun 28, 2014)

Lila said:


> So what does "pull the plug" exactly mean??


Pulled the plug meaning left the house. She will be getting served soon.:smthumbup:


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

trustno1 said:


> I have my mind made up already...it's over. She is the one back peddling...you can't be a woman, and be friends with a man without the man wanting a piece. I've been there. I'm meeting a lawyer next week. It's time to do me and move on with my life.


Women who have "best friends" of opposite sex in a marriage usually want a piece too.

Just wanted to make that clear. She is not innocent or naive.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Get a paternity test on the 9 month old. Best to know the truth whatever it is. Hopefully the child is yours genetically.

It sure smells like she has been in an affair with this guy. If it were to turn out she did not have an affair with him would you still want to divorce her?


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## trustno1 (Jun 28, 2014)

that_girl said:


> Women who have "best friends" of opposite sex in a marriage usually want a piece too.
> 
> Just wanted to make that clear. She is not innocent or naive.


Which is funny, because I always want sex...she never does...now I know where she was getting it.


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## trustno1 (Jun 28, 2014)

Thor said:


> Get a paternity test on the 9 month old. Best to know the truth whatever it is. Hopefully the child is yours genetically.
> 
> It sure smells like she has been in an affair with this guy. If it were to turn out she did not have an affair with him would you still want to divorce her?


Usually when a kid looks like an exact clone of you...she's mine. Even if she isn't physically cheating on me...she is emotionally cheating on me. Cheating is cheating.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

trustno1 said:


> Which is funny, because I always want sex...she never does...now I know where she was getting it.


Even if she's not getting sex, she's getting fulfilled and feels committed to this "best friend"...so having sex with you would be cheating on him.

It doesn't make sense, but that's what happens. 

And your name..."trustno1" --- trust yourself, man. Trust people who have always had your back. Trust those who have never let you down.

One woman shouldn't make your heart turn sour. I know it's easy for me to say, but if i judged men based on my husband, well.... :rofl: That wouldn't be fair at all!! I am learning that. There are some good people here. Trust someone.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

trustno1 said:


> Usually when a kid looks like an exact clone of you...she's mine.



Don't be a sucker.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

trustno1 said:


> *She ended up in an area that is a 15 minute ride from her "best friend" all the while stating she was "alone". Well I found out she saw him that day and walked the park with him...behind my back.* Now that we can't trust each other at all, I pulled the plug.


How do you know all this?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

trustno1 said:


> Pulled the plug meaning left the house. She will be getting served soon.:smthumbup:


Don't leave the house. She can accuse you of abandonment and that will negatively impact the divorce settlement. Are you going to move out and let her move the OM in to your house? 

Dumb.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

You should go back to the house. She's the one who cheated, she can leave.

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

bandit.45 said:


> Don't leave the house. She can accuse you of abandonment and that will negatively impact the divorce settlement. Are you going to move out and let her move the OM in to your house?
> 
> Dumb.


OP

Caveat - I realize war is serious business, so I don't mean to make light of it in any war via flipant comment.....

But - I think you need her about as much as you need a 3rd tour in Iraq. dont just pull the plug, shred the plug! destroy it. she's the enemy now. Your thinking on her at this point should be strictly 'strategic' - such as Bandit's advice above. good luck to you OP


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

I'm glad you're serving her papers. 

BTW, you served two tours and I want to thank you for your service. 

Woman don't have male best friends unless they are her BF or husband. 

I read somewhere woman are actually more sexual than guys but society makes them repress it. So when she can express it in the confines of her friend and being that you two are separated, she most likely has. This "friend" is not stupid. He's not sticking around for small chat. 

Would you....?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

trustno1 said:


> ...it's over. She is the one back peddling...


I will add my thank you for your service to our country.


Don't be surprised if her Om told her that he is thinking about trying to save his marriage and she is trying to keep you on the hook.

She knows if she lets the line go slack you will get away, but yay its already too late for her, good for you!

This was a betrayal and an ongoing deception. I am sorry.

You have learned some important things about yourself and probably realize some new motivation that will help you in a future relationship.

I really wish you well.
Take care.


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