# How to deal with rumors started by ex



## gouge_away (Apr 7, 2015)

In my case this is totally hypothetical, however if history is any indicator, my reputation will be attacked and I will be thoroughly slandered by my ex during and after the divorce process.

I imagine many others here have experienced the same, and would like to know how they dealt with the bull$hit, and kept on moving on.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

gouge_away said:


> In my case this is totally hypothetical, however if history is any indicator, my reputation will be attacked and I will be thoroughly slandered by my ex during and after the divorce process.
> 
> I imagine many others here have experienced the same, and would like to know how they dealt with the bull$hit, and kept on moving on.


Fortunately my x had a history of lying and cheating and everyone around us knew that. So her slander went no where. The only person who believes her stories and blame shifting is her mother, another cheating and lying spouse.

I would actually look at this as a positive. If people believe the fluff and take sides they aren't really your friends in the first place. Just let them go


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

If people know you well, they won't believe it. If they respect you but aren't sure, they'll ask. If they believe it and hold it against you, good riddance.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

When people sling mud...they get pretty dirty too.

Why do you even care?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

gouge_away said:


> In my case this is totally hypothetical, however if history is any indicator, my reputation will be attacked and I will be thoroughly slandered by my ex during and after the divorce process.
> 
> I imagine many others here have experienced the same, and would like to know how they dealt with the bull$hit, and kept on moving on.


You quickly grow a thick skin and don't let it bother you. The ex can make a quick splash with some crazy stories and slander but quickly people start to see what is really going on. 

The more you try and defend, the more your stbx will fuel the rumor mill. At least in my case the less I tried to defend myself the more outlandish my stbx would make the story or change it. People quickly saw what was going on and treated it like a joke as she changed the story so many times you needed notes to keep up with the "drama". 

Stick with the facts, don't get sucked into the he said/she said dramas. By the time divorces get done no one cares or even remembers why the divorce started.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

gouge_away said:


> In my case this is totally hypothetical, however if history is any indicator, my reputation will be attacked and I will be thoroughly slandered by my ex during and after the divorce process.
> 
> I imagine many others here have experienced the same, and would like to know how they dealt with the bull$hit, and kept on moving on.


* Before answering your inquiry, the only pertinent question that I would pose to you would preemptively be "Were you totally innocent and above reproach to any of his allegations?"*


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Obviously, it isn't possible to control what someone says about you. If your ex does that, and it's brought up, you can correct it. But people who know you well aren't going to believe her (she has plenty of baggage of her own) so, if it happens, just ignore it. 

And be very, very grateful she wasn't successful at getting pregnant.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

I handled it by telling the truth when I was confronted by a family member.


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## gouge_away (Apr 7, 2015)

Thank you all. This is all very helpful.


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## Malpheous (May 3, 2013)

Don't engage in it. If someone asks you, 'Hey I heard...', then explain that the story they were given simply isn't true. Give your version if you feel the need but be weary of saying things that make it sound as though you are pointing a finger at, or slandering, your ex. That leaves the other person seeing you both as a problem. 


Example from what I went through - 

Friend: 'Hey, I heard from someone that the whole thing was actually because she walked in on you with so and so'.

Me: 'Yeah? When was that?'

Friend: 'She said it was that weekend that all the wives were up in such and such for the party and a few came back early.'

Me: 'Oh yeah. That was the same weekend I went to.... to hang with my cousin and a few of the guys since it was just me at home. Remember the pics on DramaBook of me all passed out drunk on the lawn?'

Friend: 'I gotta stop reading the papers from the crazy wing... lol'

Not once did I say it was also when I saw her in the same town I was in with her boyfriend and a booty call with him was the real reason she came back early.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

My first wife had a ugly temper and equally ugly mouth and she spread some real nasty stories about me when we got divorced. I was always close to her family and they turned on me in a big time way along with a few other people. I know that if you protest too much, then the people that believe her story say that if you start fighting back is because you have something to hide and if you don't say anything, it's because you have no defense. 

I bit my tongue and the day came when her lies started catching up to her and they began to realize that they swallowed all her BS and now knew the truth. Then and only then did I have the upper hand.

I didn't need to say a word to any of them. The look on their faces said it all. Not one of them could look me in the eye and they walked on eggs shells. If I ever saw them I pasted a smile on my face and watched them make a fool of themselves trying their best to make nice. It wasn't easy. Lord only knows how I wanted to reach out and let them have it.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

During the first couple months of our separation my ex mentioned something to a mutual friend about our relationship that a) was not at all true, and b) attempted to put me in a bad light and turn him into the victim in the D. I looked at this friend and laughed out load and asked "Was he high when he said this?" It never happened again, or at least that so-called friend never mentioned anything again.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Apparently, my now-ex-husband had been making it clear to all his buddies for years that I was a stubborn, cold, heartless, sexless, selfish b!tch. After our divorce, I had several people comment that it was a long time coming, or that I had to have known it was inevitable, or that I must have known how unhappy he'd been for years. To all of which I simply replied that if he'd been that unhappy, he probably should have been the one to file for divorce. However, as it stood, I'd filed for the divorce after finding out he'd been cheating on me repeatedly for our entire marriage. 

I wasn't emotional about it, just a matter-of-fact statement that I'd divorced him, and that I'd done it for his repeated infidelity. That shut most folks up. Anyone who continued to pry got a raised eyebrow, a slightly disdainful look, and a suggestion that they direct any further questions on the matter to my ex-husband, as he seemed to have been much more willing to gossip about our marriage and subsequent divorce.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Usually the one who spreads the rumors, aka re-writing history, are the overwhelming party of blame for the D


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## philglossop (Apr 22, 2013)

It happens. But it bites back in the most unexpected ways going.

I was a violent nasty piece of work who had multiple affairs, and led my XH with a rod of total tyranny for the whole 11 years. He wished he'd never met me, hated my guts and led him to find the love of his life so he could leave me.

Now of course, the dust has settled. And it fell rather oddly that I throughout only lost what I'd call 1 friend over it. She was the only person to take sides. All the other people who stayed firmly neutral to all in tense and purposes now see the XH in the light which I was under- and see just had under the cosh I was all those years. Oh the cold ironic facts are that the lies have spun him and OM into a tight corner of their own togetherness, 24 hrs a day, 7 days a week. The narcissistic dream position. Pure and utter control via gaslighting and self promotion.

Meanwhile in the real world, the joyous delight of freedom is spell binding and not being wasted. Gouge away- your freedom will be hard won and trust me this will be your karma bus. To live well and not respond to rubbish when it's spewed will give you indifference you currently crave. And when you get it? It's the best feeling in the world!


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## gouge_away (Apr 7, 2015)

I know all but one relative has and will stand by me. That particular individual is on her own path to destruction, of which only my stbxw knows all the details, and that is why that member has picked sides, loyalty to the one who knows your secrets.

Other than that, the people I care about were always warning me, and I earned myself the, "told ya sos," stbxw's friends and acquainted have been warning me of the slander to come, it appears the only people that believe her are in her immediate family, I never have or desired to talk to them anyhow, and in the end, they are more than likely all she will have left.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

You were in love and made mistakes..... ok string you up to be hanged

BTW I'll be the guy in line in front of you


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