# WH talks of divorce 2x4'x needed and some comfort.



## Lilybelly (Mar 24, 2016)

I need a good a** kicking. And, I want to reach the largest amount of TAM experts as possible to assist me with my next steps.

The beginning of my story is in the thread titled “What I can wrap my head around.” And it gets worse from there, compete with a certified letter from the boyfriend of the OW. H has vehemently denies those texts and sexting and has laid blame on the psycho ex-boyfriend.

I can’t get over it and told him so. H cannot get honest with me about this and is saying the reason he wants the divorce is so that I don’t have to worry about it anymore and “because you can’t get over it.”

I was extremely upset last night and now am working on the 180 hard. It seems unnatural to me but I have to give it my best shot, for my own sanity.

ALL and any advice is welcome. Questions will be answered and I do not mind a 2 x 4 at all. Ask the hard questions, give me the hard love advice and help me clean up this mess.

Please.


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

> I need a good a** kicking. And, I want to reach the largest amount of TAM experts as possible to assist me with my next steps.
> 
> The beginning of my story is in the thread titled “What I can wrap my head around.” And it gets worse from there, compete with a certified letter from the boyfriend of the OW. H has vehemently denies those texts and sexting and has laid blame on the psycho ex-boyfriend.
> 
> ...


I don't specifically advise "the 180", although, in this instance, I would have much less to say against it.

What it boils down to is *acceptance*. It is the most underrated concept that I can imagine. When you truly accept his resignation and display as much, you will communicate from an unwavering point of strength. I do not advise individuals to respond with "Fine then; Leave already" types of responses, either.

If he says he wants a divorce because you can't get over it, then you respond with "I understand. You wish for a divorce because you feel I can' t get over my perceptions of dishonesty." 

Should he continue threatening divorce, you just respond by saying you understand.

His statement is meant to offload emotional poison onto you. When you respond, as I have indicated, you deflect the poison and he has to shoulder it. He is used to you reacting in some hurt fashion. If you don't give that to him, he will (in time) be forced to change, as he will dislike the taste of his own poison.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Lilybelly said:


> H cannot get honest with me about this and is saying the reason he wants the divorce is so that I don’t have to worry about it anymore and “because you can’t get over it.”


Your husband is still cheating on you and/or really doesn't give a sh!t about you.

DUMP HIM.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Look, you made a colossal mistake marrying this man. If you don't know this, it's because he has gaslighted you into craziness with his completely unbelievable stories, lies, and cheating.

Look what you did at this workplace. He has turned you into someone you don't recognize.

He is toxic to you.

T-O-X-I-C

Get the divorce. Save yourself.


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## Lilybelly (Mar 24, 2016)

BetrayedDad said:


> Your husband is still cheating on you and/or really doesn't give a sh!t about you.
> 
> DUMP HIM.


Probably both. He is not able to get honest and I think he is trying to set himself up as looking like the "good guy" to families and friends by making it look like *I* am the one who failed at "R".

I have the proof though and will use it if necessary or I feel cornered. I want to come at this from a place of grace and class because whatever actions I do, I have to live with and karma is a b*#(@.

Step by step plan is what I need.


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## Lilybelly (Mar 24, 2016)

How do I recover from this???



alte Dame said:


> Look, you made a colossal mistake marrying this man. If you don't know this, it's because he has gaslighted you into craziness with his completely unbelievable stories, lies, and cheating.
> 
> Look what you did at this workplace. He has turned you into someone you don't recognize.
> 
> ...


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

GTFO. You recover by being away from him. Focus on yourself and your kid. Regain control of your life and work on strengthening your soul so that he, nor anyone else like him will do this to you again.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Why would you want to be with a man who is treating you with so much disrespect and has no thought of your feelings.

When a person shows you who they are and he is doing that, believe him. He thinks he can shut you down by threatening divorce, play him at his own game, in fact get in front of him. 

This man has cheated on you, is probably still cheating on you and wants to keep you under his thumb with his lies.

Do the 180 
tell some trusted friends and family members what is happening so you can have support from them
Go and see a lawyer to ask about your options
Get the divorce papers ready and the next time he threatens divorce tell him that you are one step ahead of him and give him the papers.

You need to stop making excuses and labouring under the illusion that this man is one who can be reasoned with, he cannot. 

He is either in the fog or he doesn't really care about you, either way, you doing the above will force his hand.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Lilybelly said:


> Step by step plan is what I need.


1) Hire a divorce attorney.

2) File for divorce and have him served.

3) Divorce him and kick him out.

4) Profit.


The faster you start the faster you can get on with your life and heal. Get cracking you got work to do.


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

Lilybelly said:


> How do I recover from this???


The only thing you can is focus on yourself. For various reasons. What I am reading from his communication is that he is dishonest (duh), but looking to shift blame. He does this, because he can't handle the truth coming to light. Again, when you use the acceptance advice, you force him to deal with his own crap. When he uses those communication tactics, it creates the illusion that you might believe him. Also, it is a lot about power. Were he to be judged for his actions, he would feel as if his bargaining position (hand) in the relationship was compromised.

Yelling at him, or anything along those lines, will only justify (in his mind) his perceptions. Let's remove that justification and force him to shoulder his own blame and emotional poison.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

I read your initial thread and lost track of how many other women there were.

Lilly, what is it you want? Do you want to stay with him? Are you upset that HE wants a divorce? Do you just want him to admit what he did and then reconcile?


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## Homer j (Jan 6, 2016)

During my A I had filed for D, telling myself lies about how I would be happier, blah, blah, blah. 

On dday my BS hit me with the "me or her right now" 2x4 and it got my attention. We called OW together, told her it was over.

After shock of exposure wore off, I called attorney and cancelled D.

You giving him D papers is a 2x4. It may not do anything, but that's the club you have to use to try and get his attention.


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

blueinbr said:


> I read your initial thread and lost track of how many other women there were.
> 
> Lilly, what is it you want? Do you want to stay with him? Are you upset that HE wants a divorce? Do you just want him to admit what he did and then reconcile?


Yes, what is it that you want?

Formulate a plan of what YOU want, not what he wants, then proceed accordingly.


Lily, I am going to be honest, he WILL never change. You will probably become a shadow of what you are now. I read your other post.
I specially paid attention to the post regarding going to his office and losing your marbles.
Are you normally this kind of person? Are you in IC to help with your life?

I understand your husband is a POS, however, take responsibility for your actions and stop being the victim. I also KNOW freeing ourselves from abuse is soooo difficult. Baby steps Lily.

My ex husband would threaten me with divorce whenever I voiced my concerns about our marriage. I learned to quiet that voice. He would also accuse me of being crazy when doubting his whereabouts, being overly jealous, oh and lets not forget the "Nobody will ever love you like I do"

Which meant, nobody will ever love me ever. I got over all of that. Somehow, along the way I did not care if anybody else would love me. I wanted to be free. I wanted to be me. 
I got tired of feeling crazy and paranoid. Tired of wondering if he was texting other women. I realized that life wasn't for me.

I credit God for opening my eyes after 14 long years. I was conditioned by him. I was a battered woman in an emotionally abusive relationship. 
But would you like to know what the worst thing was??

I DID NOT KNOW I WAS A BATTERED WOMAN. I had no idea how bad or sad my situation was.

Baby steps, continue reading, continue gaining insight, become stronger, and if NOBODY will ever love you.... YOU WILL LOVE YOU.

Leave.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

There can be no reconciliation if he won't admit to having an affair to begin with.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lilybelly (Mar 24, 2016)

I have the truth, in blue and yellow text messages that the other BSO sent me. Pictures of his p*nis, photos he sent her of himself and all of the illicit texts, along with invitations to MY home, where it appears she spent the night while I was out of the country.. 

I don't understand what I could have done that is so awful to as to deserve this. 

I am calling an attorney recommended to me in this type of situation. She is lovingly described as a barracuda and even thought this is a no fault state, has been known to come out rather victorious in the BS's favor.

I want to heal, and find hope in the future.


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## Lilybelly (Mar 24, 2016)

ne9907 said:


> Yes, what is it that you want?
> 
> Formulate a plan of what YOU want, not what he wants, then proceed accordingly.
> 
> ...



I am not that kind of person, not at all. And, I am not proud of those particular moments. I am not in IC just yet...funny, we were doing MC at his suggestion and when it started getting tough, he didn't want to go anymore. Go figure.

I feel like a battered woman...just not with the physical marks. The marks I have are much deeper and are not visible. I will get help..

Thank you for this...


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## Lilybelly (Mar 24, 2016)

...and incidentally, I already am a shadow former self.

I want me again.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Lilybelly said:


> ...and incidentally, I already am a shadow former self.
> 
> I want me again.


Then leave. Quickly.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Lilybelly said:


> How do I recover from this???


You leave. You get a lawyer, file first and move on. We had an update and it is crazy how people rationalize things. A guy is saying his marriage is improving, but his wife is still doing the same things. Therefore he is working on the marriage, accepting her online cheating and planning an exit strategy. This is ridiculous in my eyes, but to each his or her own.

Don't play the "I win" game which is what I see in a ton of these marriages on various websites. It's hard for some, but who cares what family and friends think? The ones who have your back are all that matter, even if it is only one person.


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

Lilybelly said:


> ...and incidentally, I already am a shadow former self.
> 
> I want me again.


You might not realize it yet, but you have shown far more strength than you are letting on. A shadow of your former self? You are the Phoenix, the mythical, fabulous, or wonder beast that much of my inspiration has come from.

Sure, you received pain, but the Phoenix is reborn anew. As difficult as this process has been, it will lead to brighter days.


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## Lilybelly (Mar 24, 2016)

He has the ability to ruin my credit. His bike and car are in my name and he wants to just keep paying me for them until they are paid off.. If I don't agree, he will just not make the payments and I can't afford them.

What a cluster.


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## Lilybelly (Mar 24, 2016)

Relationship Teacher said:


> You might not realize it yet, but you have shown far more strength than you are letting on. A shadow of your former self? You are the Phoenix, the mythical, fabulous, or wonder beast that much of my inspiration has come from.
> 
> Sure, you received pain, but the Phoenix is reborn anew. As difficult as this process has been, it will lead to brighter days.



Thank you for this.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Lilybelly said:


> He has the ability to ruin my credit. His bike and car are in my name and he wants to just keep paying me for them until they are paid off.. If I don't agree, he will just not make the payments and I can't afford them.
> 
> What a cluster.


No. They are YOURS not "his". Sell them to pay off the loans. 

Are the loans through a bank? He can refinance them in his name only and get you off the title & bank note. No credit? Tough he has no car and no bike. 

He does not need BOTH. One has to be sold, by you, so that you can pay off the loan.

Are they both state registered in your name? Whose name is on the car insurance?


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Lilybelly said:


> He has the ability to ruin my credit. His bike and car are in my name and he wants to just keep paying me for them until they are paid off.. If I don't agree, he will just not make the payments and I can't afford them.
> 
> What a cluster.


The great thing with divorce, the court gets to decide. He or you don't, unless you agree on it during mediation. 

Stop having him keep you hostage. He doesn't get to call the shots. Tell him you are going to force him to sell the bike and car unless he can refinance in his own name or buy you out. This is very black and white.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You sound very muddled right now. This is understandable, since all of his lying has only one purpose, which is to cover his as* at absolutely any cost, even your sanity.

So, first, try to understand that 'taking the high road' and 'not looking like the one who blew up your marriage' or worrying about your credit rating all miss the point. Imagine that your house is on fire and you don't call for help because you don't want anyone to see you without your makeup on.

You really need to call the fire department, which in your case is an attorney.

(And fwiw, getting the divorce is the high road, in my opinion. You need to respect yourself.)


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

blueinbr said:


> No. They are YOURS not "his". Sell them to pay off the loans.
> 
> Are the loans through a bank? He can refinance them in his name only and get you off the title & bank note. No credit? Tough he has no car and no bike.
> 
> ...


^^^No.

This is why you contact a lawyer. You do not want to do anything which can come back and hit you in the mouth.


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## Lilybelly (Mar 24, 2016)

blueinbr said:


> No. They are YOURS not "his". Sell them to pay off the loans.
> 
> Are the loans through a bank? He can refinance them in his name only and get you off the title & bank note. No credit? Tough he has no car and no bike.
> 
> ...


Insurance is in my name, they are state registered in my name as well.


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## Lilybelly (Mar 24, 2016)

alte Dame said:


> You sound very muddled right now. This is understandable, since all of his lying has only one purpose, which is to cover his as* at absolutely any cost, even your sanity.
> 
> So, first, try to understand that 'taking the high road' and 'not looking like the one who blew up your marriage' or worrying about your credit rating all miss the point. Imagine that your house is on fire and you don't call for help because you don't want anyone to see you without your makeup on.
> 
> ...


I am muddled for sure.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Take this step by step. Your WH has done a job on your judgment.

Print out the 180 and follow it as well as you can. Really try. Don't take his bait.

That can be one of two goals for this week. 

Your second goal is to call some lawyers and set up consultations.

Do those two things and you will be on your way to unmuddling yourself.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

Lilybelly said:


> He has the ability to ruin my credit. His bike and car are in my name and he wants to just keep paying me for them until they are paid off.. If I don't agree, he will just not make the payments and I can't afford them.
> 
> What a cluster.


Lilybelly, your barracuda lawyer should be able to sort that one out. Go see her ASAP.


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## Lilybelly (Mar 24, 2016)

Thank you alte Dame, I feel like I needed to get all my thoughts straight, like right now!!! But am thankful to notice I can take baby steps one at a time.

I left a message with a lawyer today. I expect a call back tomorrow. 

He's out tonight..stopping for a drink. I'm afraid I told him If he is drinking or flaunting his extra curricular activities in my face, not to come home...not to mention driving after drinking in my car.. 

I don't know if I should have said anything. 180 begins tomorrow.


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## Lilybelly (Mar 24, 2016)

********** said:


> Lilybelly, your barracuda lawyer should be able to sort that one out. Go see her ASAP.


It almost was like blackmailing me. We talked about this today." I told him we should try to sell the bike. His response, in a nutshell is..I really don't want to see your credit, that you have worked so hard on go down so agree to let me continue to pay you monthly and your credit will keep going up. "


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

Lilybelly said:


> I have the truth, in blue and yellow text messages that the other BSO sent me. Pictures of his p*nis, photos he sent her of himself and all of the illicit texts, along with invitations to MY home, where it appears she spent the night while I was out of the country..
> 
> I don't understand what I could have done that is so awful to as to deserve this.


This is one of the hardest things for a lot of BS's to accept. You didn't have to do anything. It is all on him.



Lilybelly said:


> I am calling an attorney recommended to me in this type of situation. She is lovingly described as a barracuda and even thought this is a no fault state, has been known to come out rather victorious in the BS's favor.
> 
> I want to heal, and find hope in the future.


I heartily recommend going with the barracuda. Let her take him to the cleaners.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> I don't understand what I could have done that is so awful to as to deserve this


.
*This is the kind of thinking that will keep you upset. You do not deserve a serial betrayer so never think that thought again*.


You already know about the legal steps to take so I will give you some emotional goals.

1	Get as much emotional help from your family and friends that really love you and want the best for you.

2	Make yourself think and take actions for ONLY you and your children

3	If you have faith then get involved with your church, synagogue, etc.

4	Make a plan for your improvement and accept that it will take maybe a few years to get a lot stronger. You can improve every month.

5	Is there something that you always wanted to do that you can do now?

6	Force yourself to exercise every day that you can and eat healthy

7	Get connected to family and friends

8	Join groups that have people that have successfully gone through betrayal and divorce and are contented.


I know it is very hard to do what will help you get stronger but you are in a se desperate situation and you do not have much of a choice. *NEVER NEVER NEVER give up because you are way too valuable to yourself and to your children*. Millions have done it and so can you!


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

Mr Blunt said:


> .
> *This is the kind of thinking that will keep you upset. You do not deserve a serial betrayer so never think that thought again*.


In a committed relationship, there is more than one barrier to cheating. Barrier one is *not* what we do or don't do to our partners. Each individual has 100% responsibility for all of their actions and all of their emotions.

Barrier 1: Limiting of one's own behavior that might result in cheating. This can be drinking, when around single individuals of another sex. It can be discussing relationship troubles with an individual of another sex. There are so many seemingly innocent behaviors that can quickly lead to emotions escalating.

Barrier 2: Enforcing the relationship boundaries. This simply involves making sure that barrier 1 is enforced, but this is done from one person to the other. To enforce this barrier, we don't have to monitor or restrict all behavior. This requires a tremendous amount of disclosure to one another and a deep connection. The idea is to enforce the barriers for that individual, not imposing on them what we might think applies to them.

Barrier 3: How we treat one another. One could stop being a loving husband or wife and that would give zero justification for cheating. To enter into a new relationship, we have to make intentions clear and choose a single individual. The primary reason to be good to one another should be because we love them, not because we fear them jumping ship. Love does *not* work on the fuel of fear. Statistically, we can predict that cheating will occur when the connection fades, but that does not imply causation. An individual that has serious weaknesses (see barrier 1 and 2) might never cheat, but only because they have a strong 3rd barrier. But a fantastic relationship is one in which partners don't give up, due to momentary weakness.


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## Lilybelly (Mar 24, 2016)

Thank you all.

He did not come home last night but rather took my request and checked into a hotel. Exactly what I knew would happen. He said since he had been drinking...

Is there any reason at this point to hire a PI?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

You do not need a PI, you already know he has cheated and probably still is, getting a PI is neither here nor there and if you are in a no fault state then keep your money.

Follow MR Blunt's advice above 
Get yourself a lawyer asap and sell the bike and the car. You owe him nothing, he has treated you in a deplorable manner, it is time to start getting tough, protect your heart, get a trusted friend on your side who will keep your head straight throught the process, no waivering.
Resolve to get out of this situation sooner than later and resolve to put yourself first, forget about him, the consequences for him, his feelings, etc. He didn't give a s*** about yours, time for you to get righteously angry and proceed.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Lilybelly said:


> He has the ability to ruin my credit. His bike and car are in my name and he wants to just keep paying me for them until they are paid off.. If I don't agree, he will just not make the payments and I can't afford them.
> 
> What a cluster.


Great! If they are solely in your name, sell them.

Then you won't have to worry about making debt payments.

He can't legally stop you. Are we done with the excuses yet?


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Lilybelly said:


> Is there any reason at this point to hire a PI?


Why would you waste the money? Save it for the divorce attorney.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Lilybelly said:


> Thank you all.
> 
> He did not come home last night but rather took my request and checked into a hotel. Exactly what I knew would happen. He said since he had been drinking...
> 
> Is there any reason at this point to hire a PI?


There is no reason to do any more checking. You need to detach and save yourself.

180

It will be hard because he has you hooked on the heartache and drama. The 180 will begin to work for you within the week but you have to stick with it. It's like taking an antibiotic for an infection.

I will say it again. You need to save yourself. This man has you doing things that could truly ruin your life. He has you caught in his trap and now you have to free yourself. One step at a time. Do the 180.


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## Lilybelly (Mar 24, 2016)

Working on 180. Had a but of a wiggle yesterday but managed to pull it back together.

I spoke with the attorney and have one more to talk with and then to find the money. Seems easy to her and she gave me lots of advice. 

Changed the locks on house too. 

I have a bit of information that could really screw him up, how do you reconcile your thoughts of revenge?


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## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

You can't lock him out of his own house he has a right to be there until and unless the court says otherwise.


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

Lilybelly said:


> I have a bit of information that could really screw him up, how do you reconcile your thoughts of revenge?


He didn't take the high road.

You take the high road, and you do it for yourself. He will still have to clean up the mess that he caused, on his own.


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## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

I guess if the information you have on him can hurt him big time, then when he complains about being locked out of the house, your attorney can mention to his attorney about the damage you are ready to inflict upon him with the knowledge you have.

That's how "negotiations" work in high conflict divorces.

Of course he won't expect you to take such a strong stand because you've put up with his BS for so long, and he may be right about that. Try to prove him wrong.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Keep whatever dirt you have as leverage in signing a fair divorce agreement.


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## Lilybelly (Mar 24, 2016)

Mclane said:


> You can't lock him out of his own house he has a right to be there until and unless the court says otherwise.



It is actually my pre-marital house.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Lilybelly said:


> He did not come home last night but rather took my request and checked into a hotel. Exactly what I knew would happen. He said since he had been drinking...


Is he paying for the hotel with his money or yours? Whose name is on the credit card?


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## Lilybelly (Mar 24, 2016)

We don't have any joint finances together; his and mine... In fact, we don't own anything that has both our names on it. Nothing.


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## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

Lilybelly said:


> It is actually my pre-marital house.


Doesn't matter. He's been living there, he has a right to continue to live there, you're married, until and unless you make the claim that it's separate nonmarital property and that he has the resources to live elsewhere you cannot unilaterally evict him without a court order, just because you want to or because he's behaved badly.


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## Lilybelly (Mar 24, 2016)

Mclane said:


> Doesn't matter. He's been living there, he has a right to continue to live there, you're married, until and unless you make the claim that it's separate nonmarital property and that he has the resources to live elsewhere you cannot unilaterally evict him without a court order, just because you want to or because he's behaved badly.



Thank you.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I agree that you should find out if you can legally lock him out.

Keep taking deep breaths and continue with the 180. Set small goals for yourself to keep busy. If you have to plan hour by hour, then do it. Anything to try to keep the focus off of him. It is hard, but where there's a will, there's a way. It just takes time.

Get physical exercise if you can and stay away from alcohol. 

Do not let him bait you. Once you have some more control, you will feel stronger and better.

It's a hard experience, to be sure, but the only way out is through.

Again, this man is toxic for you. Keep remembering that.


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## Lilybelly (Mar 24, 2016)

alte Dame said:


> I agree that you should find out if you can legally lock him out.
> 
> Keep taking deep breaths and continue with the 180. Set small goals for yourself to keep busy. If you have to plan hour by hour, then do it. Anything to try to keep the focus off of him. It is hard, but where there's a will, there's a way. It just takes time.
> 
> ...


I actually have your words in my head all the time and I thank you for that.

For the record, I have not locked him out of the house. He chooses to do what he wants so if he is out, I lock the door with a much sturdier lock than was previously in. I have been locking the door when he is gone since the end of December when he scared me so bad saying that the OW's ex-boyfriend was stalking me and out in our back yard. I was afraid to be in my own home for quite some time and am still uneasy about it.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I believe that there is strength in realism, L. Hoping for someone to be something he is not can sometimes make us too weak to face up to the realities in our lives.

After my mother died, my father married a woman who had many features of your WH. She brought huge pain and drama to our normally reasonable and healthy family. She was a cancer devouring the whole. At some point, we all got behind my father and helped him face up to the divorce. He detached, divorced, and went on to live pretty contentedly. He still missed our mother, but understood that there was dysfunction out there and that he had every right to a happy life.

If you feel like you have no choice, that is a prison of your own making. I realize that your mind and heart can make you feel helpless, but you know that you are really not without the freedom to choose. You just have to discipline yourself to do the hard thing, which is to dump this man who is so selfish that he doesn't care that he hurts you. He just doesn't care. You certainly deserve better than that.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

You are getting mixed advice concerning property right now. This is why I said talk to a lawyer. Contrary to popular belief, if you had the house as a premarital expense before marriage it is yours. If he helped pay the mortgage, it is going to become further entangled in legalese. Same applies to the cars. If they were purchased within the marriage, then community property laws come into effect.

It differs state to state so, be careful. The last thing you want to do is sell community property and you get a judge who makes you sell the house to reimburse your revenge actions.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Lilybelly said:


> He has the ability to ruin my credit. His bike and car are in my name and he wants to just keep paying me for them until they are paid off.. If I don't agree, he will just not make the payments and I can't afford them.
> 
> What a cluster.


So sell them.

Stop making excuses.

Actually, though, keep paying them up to the divorce, and ensure that the lawyer includes that they have to be moved into his name. And tell him that if he refuses you WILL sell them.


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## Lilybelly (Mar 24, 2016)

I have read this thread many times today...when I wanted to reach out to him. I appreciated this place and all of you a lot. 

Today, I have been fairly melancholy and trying to shut the many, many wonderful memories we shared down. This is so incredibly painful. And, I am having a difficult day.


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

Lilybelly said:


> I have read this thread many times today...when I wanted to reach out to him. I appreciated this place and all of you a lot.
> 
> Today, I have been fairly melancholy and trying to shut the many, many wonderful memories we shared down. This is so incredibly painful. And, I am having a difficult day.


Good memories are not a problem. The problem is that your thoughts bring you back into the past. If you try to shut down thoughts, they only come back or come stronger, like the pink elephant. Acknowledge the thoughts and let them pass, as if they were a cloud.

Use your eyes. Your eyes operate in the present moment. Make the best of this moment. Stay busy and do what happy people do.

When you find yourself "thinking" (in a daydreaming sense) then re-activate your vision and come back to the present moment.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Lilybelly said:


> I have read this thread many times today...when I wanted to reach out to him. I appreciated this place and all of you a lot.
> 
> Today, I have been fairly melancholy and trying to shut the many, many wonderful memories we shared down. This is so incredibly painful. And, I am having a difficult day.


Melancholy is fine, in my opinion. As long as he doesn't have you obsessed and acting against your own interests. Melancholy is much better than crazed

Keep taking time to get your balance back. No doubt you have some wonderful memories, but the pain he is causing you outweighs the good, doesn't it? Try to remember that someone who truly loved you wouldn't willingly cause you this pain. Make the choice not to let him continue to do it. It is your life and your choice to make.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

marduk said:


> Keep whatever dirt you have as leverage in signing a fair divorce agreement.


Then after the inks dry on his signature, spill your guts.

If he's fvcked someone else over they deserve to know.


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## Lilybelly (Mar 24, 2016)

BetrayedDad said:


> Then after the inks dry on his signature, spill your guts.
> 
> If he's fvcked someone else over they deserve to know.



:iagree:

I am doing okay today. I guess I should expect to have good and bad days.


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

Lilybelly said:


> :iagree:
> 
> I am doing okay today. I guess I should expect to have good and bad days.


Remember that being happy has a physiological effect on eliminating negative thoughts. It's great that you are pushing forward. Never stop. IF you have a bad moment, see it as temporary, and look forward to your next smile.


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## Lilybelly (Mar 24, 2016)

Are there any statistics on the length of time it takes to heal from this and can it be done without becoming jaded and bitter?

I do realize that I will never be the same person I was before all of this, this S$&! does a number on someone and if I could have anything in the world gifted to me right now, it would be a two week sabbatical. 

I'm hoping I will be able to recover enough to remain compassionate and kind and maybe even learn to trust again.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Read these threads. It will keep your mind occupied and you will see how two people whose lives were torn apart by cheating were able to move on and thrive:


http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/51949-wife-best-friend-having-least-ea.html

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...ls-lot-sex-life-has-stalled-worried-help.html


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## Lilybelly (Mar 24, 2016)

Is BFF still here?


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

Lilybelly said:


> Are there any statistics on the length of time it takes to heal from this and can it be done without becoming jaded and bitter?
> 
> I do realize that I will never be the same person I was before all of this, this S$&! does a number on someone and if I could have anything in the world gifted to me right now, it would be a two week sabbatical.
> 
> I'm hoping I will be able to recover enough to remain compassionate and kind and maybe even learn to trust again.


You can be better and stronger! I am 10x the person I was. I was cheated on 3x and overcome those challenges and am a much better romantic partner as a result. I don't let the ex define me. I define me.


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## giddiot (Jun 28, 2015)

Lilybelly said:


> Is BFF still here?




Yes he was just on recently.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Lilybelly said:


> Insurance is in my name, they are state registered in my name as well.


After checking this out with a lawyer there's always the option to publish a legal notice in the nearest local newspaper:

"From xxx of May I, Mrs Lilybelly state that I am no longer responsible for any debts or contracts entered into by my husband Mr Cheater."


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## Lilybelly (Mar 24, 2016)

I'm about to expose. 

Yes or no?


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## Lilybelly (Mar 24, 2016)

Holy s&$!.. This stuff is real. Like, unbelievably real. It's going to happen, I am getting a divorce from the worst man I have ever met. A lying, cheating, emotionless, pathological liar and I am righteously angry.

Omg!!!!!!!!


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## Lilybelly (Mar 24, 2016)

#68

Anyone?? I only have a small window of time.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

Girl, expose him and leave him. You're driving yourself crazy over someone who doesn't give a damn about you. STOP. You need to move on. He's already shown you (many times now) that he's going to do what he wants to do.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> I have the truth, in blue and yellow text messages that the other BSO sent me. *Pictures of his p*nis, photos he sent her of himself and all of the illicit texts, along with invitations to MY home*, where it appears she spent the night while I was out of the country.
> 
> *I'm afraid I told him If he is drinking or flaunting his extra curricular activities in my face, not to come hom*e...not to mention driving after drinking in my car..
> 
> ...




*Congratulations!*


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

Lilybelly said:


> #68
> 
> Anyone?? I only have a small window of time.


Your goal should always be happiness. If this man isn't there to be happy with you, then that is not a relationship. I don't understand why couples "stick it out". Couples should grow together or not at all. In between is no option. If there's kids, then that is one great reason to really make the relationship work.

That said, I believe in a level of forgiveness that would shock many individuals. But, it also comes with it some harsh realities. One can forgive, but they need something to look to to get past hurt and trauma. The apology isn't the words "im sorry". The apology is making up for the past by mastering the present and future.

In your case, what is there to forgive? There is only denial from him and blame. Where is the point of happiness to look to to forgive and forget? It's on him to decide to fight for you, and many individuals that have cheated turn things around.

It comes down to one thing. It comes down to wanting to love and receive love. If he doesn't support that goal, then what is there to be remorseful for? Lovers deserve love. You deserve love. If he won't do it, someone else will and someone else will happily volunteer to do so.

Ask him if he wants to love and receive love. Ask him if he wants to be in a romantic relationship. His answers will give you your course of action in a jiffy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lilybelly (Mar 24, 2016)

Here is the thing.. 
He admitted most everything this morning. The VAR was a wonderful tool. He tried to turn it around on me saying we "grew apart" but I stood firm and strong and knew that wasn't the case. I did not let him lay his choices on me. 

He is nervous about "what I am going to do" and told me I will hate myself if I do something against my heart. I am soft and a compassionate woman but honestly, after I expose, I don't think I will.

I made a call to his employer this am. But hung up..chickened out. 

I am struggling with the exposure stuff. 
I have an appointment with 2nd attorney Wednesday and funds secured. 

Anyone want to guide on the exposure thing? It would make me feel better.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

The purpose of exposure is if you want to keep your partner and want him to stop cheating and come back to you. That's it. Exposure can make the person wake up to what he's doing.

If you're leaving him, there is no benefit to exposure. You can, however, threaten to expose if he doesn't make the divorce easy on you.


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## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

Lilybelly said:


> I'm about to expose.
> 
> Yes or no?


Waste of time. 

Exposure is done to try to "shock" the cheater back into the relationship with the wayward partner.

You want out, so stop caring about what he's doing and who he's doing it with and who knows about it.

Your time and energy is better spent elsewhere.

Now if you live in a state that would give you a better divorce settlement because of infidelity, that's something to speak to an attorney about, and of course you'll need proof.


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## bff (Jul 24, 2012)

Lilybelly said:


> Is BFF still here?


I am. Can I help in any way?

bff


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Exposure can also stop the lies.

"Wah! Lilybelly has done X, y,z! That is why we are splitting up!"

"Wayward Husband you are a cheater and a liar! Lilybelly already told everyone the truth so just get over yourself!"
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Well, that's true. If you go that route, the way to do it is simply to inform all the important people in your lives why you are divorcing.


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## Lilybelly (Mar 24, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> Exposure can also stop the lies.
> 
> "Wah! Lilybelly has done X, y,z! That is why we are splitting up!"
> 
> ...


Precisely. He is so in the fog that he can't see his [email protected]@ from a hole in the ground so I took care of it yesterday and let the important folks know. his family, mine, our dearest friends. Everyone knows what he is doing and with whom and none and I mean none, are real thrilled right now.

He is pissed but that is in consequential to me. 

I am meeting with the attorney in the morning.


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## Lilybelly (Mar 24, 2016)

Bff: I just want you to know how your thread has helped me. I feel so proud of you and haven't finished the journey with you yet.

Blessings to you,

Lil


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## bff (Jul 24, 2012)

Lil,

That means a lot to me, and I appreciate you saying it. I have no regrets with the big decisions I made post discovery, through the divorce and since. Someone said in my thread and I'll repeat it here, because it helped me a lot: 

"Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die."

Best of luck to you. You have a lot of hard decisions and hard times ahead, but there is ABSOLUTELY a wonderful road ahead if you choose to travel it.

bff


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## Lilybelly (Mar 24, 2016)

BFF, 

May I ask you what one word or phrase you would keep repeating to yourself that got you through the really, really hard stuff?


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## Lilybelly (Mar 24, 2016)

For peters sake... 

I am looking for something I can repeat to myself, easy to remember. 

It seems my husband is in lurveeee with his co-worker. Omg!! It's worse than I thought. 

Attorney meeting in morning... I need something to steady my mind before I act out like the crazy woman I feel like right now. 

Jeezus H. 

What more is there? I swear I have a neon blinking light over my head flashing:

STUPIDEST WOMAN EVER!!!! 

Jeezus H.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

How about...
"wow, look at what I get for trusting somebody."


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

Lilybelly said:


> For peters sake...
> 
> I am looking for something I can repeat to myself, easy to remember.
> 
> ...


He wanted the excitement of an affair, with the stability of a complacent wife.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bff (Jul 24, 2012)

There were a few, and all seem applicable for you.

I didn't cause this. WS made her/his own decisions. 

I deserve better than this.

I will enjoy thinking about revenge and retribution, but I will not act in anger. Living well IS the best revenge. 

The third was more of a rule. The first two are what got me through the tough parts. I know I contributed to a less than perfect relationship. I know I enabled the A through my own inaction. But I (and you) deserve to have a trustworthy and caring companion. We are not responsible for decisions our WS's made on their own. 

Hang tough. Don't do something you'll regret later. Don't give a crap about how things look to friends or family. Your true friends will stick with you. Make decisions on how to act that you'll be proud to recount later to a future friend. 

bff


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## Lilybelly (Mar 24, 2016)

So, I saw the other attorney and found that I can sell both the bike and car if I so chose. Of course, he is trying to wear me down to let him continue paying me for them and guilting me about keeping his dog. She will die without me..she's almost 13 and quite attached. 

He knows this will kill her so he doesn't want that blood on his hands. 

I need to gather all the paperwork For the attorney but don't have access to his stuff. How do I do that? Is that stuff he will need to provide when he is served? 

Rough, tough, rough week and I am struggling with my soft side.


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## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

Lilybelly said:


> So, I saw the other attorney and found that I can sell both the bike and car if I so chose. Of course, he is trying to wear me down to let him continue paying me for them and guilting me about keeping his dog


Don't be your own worst enemy. 

He can't manipulate you if you don't let him. 

As far as the dog goes, well that's another matter entirely. Do what you think is right not what HE wants.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Inform him that he has until June 6 to get the items' loans renegotiated and if they're still in your name on the 7th, you're putting them up for sale.

The dog won't die without you.


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## Lilybelly (Mar 24, 2016)

I just returned from a business trip. Six days of barely thinking about things. I felt strong and capable of getting through this.

And, then reality hit with the landing of the plane..

He says he ended it with the OW.
He is doing the "I love you and have feelings for you but something is missing."
He does not show any remorse.
He is leaving tomorrow.

I need time, space, distance and strength. My heart feels so broken. I intend to go basically dark on him. And I feel sad, very sad. I guess that must be normal, huh?


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## Lilybelly (Mar 24, 2016)

Could really use some words of wisdom for dealing and handling these early days of the separation from those of you who have lived it. 

Thank you, 

Lil.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

The best thing you can do is go full force into filling your life with new stuff, as well as some comfort stuff. Sign up for a class, join a club, start exercising, call up old friends, fill your life with stuff that empowers YOU.

And yes, go pitch black dark on him.


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## dignityhonorpride (Jan 2, 2014)

turnera said:


> The best thing you can do is go full force into filling your life with new stuff, as well as some comfort stuff. Sign up for a class, join a club, start exercising, call up old friends, fill your life with stuff that empowers YOU.
> 
> And yes, go pitch black dark on him.


I agree with this. Try to add some comforting hobbies / time fillers too, like crocheting or knitting - something you can do while watching TV etc to keep your mind busy. Learn a language, plan a trip (solo travel is a great way to grow and learn btw!), catch up with old friends, meet new ones on meetup. 

Sent from my VS986 using Tapatalk


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

How about this for something to think about when you look at him or think about him?

"Who the hell replaced my husband with this IDIOT?"


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lilybelly (Mar 24, 2016)

This going pitch black is hard as heck. Super hard. I just keep finding out about all these lies he still continues to tell me and for the life of me, I don't understand the need to lie. I clearly don't know everything and I sincerely do not believe he has ended it with the OW.

Why lie now? I don't effing get it. 
What is the point of continuing to lie?


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

Lilybelly said:


> This going pitch black is hard as heck. Super hard. I just keep finding out about all these lies he still continues to tell me and for the life of me, I don't understand the need to lie. I clearly don't know everything and I sincerely do not believe he has ended it with the OW.
> 
> Why lie now? I don't effing get it.
> What is the point of continuing to lie?


Some people are just sh*tty. That's all the explanation that you're going to get. Everyone who's had a cheating ex has always wondered why it happened. Many who've had cheating exes NEVER get answers and continue to be lied to. 

You HAVE proof. You don't need anymore than what you have. Him lying is just him showing you how deep his sh*tty runs....and it runs deep with this one. 

DO NOT TALK TO HIM...at all! If you have kids, text him about kids only. If no kids - no need to speak to him at all.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

'Why does he lie continuously?', you ask. 

Why do some people steal? Why do some commit murder?

There are always people in the world who have a different moral compass from your own. Your WH is a compulsive liar and cheat. You can't understand that because you are so different from him in this regard. You will never understand it and you can't make him see it and suddenly change who he is as a person.

You know what you need to do now. Yes, stay dark. Of course. Keep yourself occupied by scheduling yourself up and focusing on the things you schedule. Some distractions are better than others (e.g., walking is better than watching TV). Try to socialize, especially with people who are grounded and honest (iow, people who aren't like your WH). Get exercise and don't drink.

This is hard, Lily, but it is easier than what your life will continue to be with him in it. He is cancerous to you.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

hi @Mclane 

Exposure still may have some worth. It can isolate the WS from those who don't know the truth. It can also drive the AP out of the divorce. My exWW AP was having the time of his life coaching my ex on what to do, what to say and was her biggest enabler. Once he was driven out of my divorce the pieces fell into place. Amazing, I lived in NJ, we both worked, had our own credit cards, and ad no children. Nothing could have been easier as far a divorce cases. Nope, until exposure hit him it was going to turn into a mess. 

The poster has two choices, take advantage of her husbands limerence (gray rocking) or blow up that relationship for the reason already duscussed. 

One of her husband's flaws is he is a bully that excels at self justification. If see choses to blow it up selling the car and the bike should be just the opening shot. 

OP guard your credit. He will destroy it and milk you. Do not be the person who others refer to having been used by an ex and spent decades trying to recover from the financial hole he put you into.


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## Lilybelly (Mar 24, 2016)

staarz21 said:


> You HAVE proof. You don't need anymore than what you have. Him lying is just him showing you how deep his sh*tty runs....and it runs deep with this one.
> 
> DO NOT TALK TO HIM...at all! If you have kids, text him about kids only. If no kids - no need to speak to him at all.



It runs extra sh*tty with this one. He was charming, I think these types usually are. He has PTSD from his years if service in the Marines. I think he is an embarrassment to his brothers in arms; PTSD does NOT cause you to have an affair. Refusal to deal with your issues and trauma is on you. He says he was diagnosed borderline Sociopathic. I can't believe a word he says and even question his PTSD and military service now. I question everything! He Refuses treatment and I believe thinks he will be able to continue to "brainwash" me so he can have his way. He really wants the bike and he is holding my credit over my head here. 

He is a mean, two-faced, manipulative, lying, cheating, abusive excuse for a human and I feel so [email protected] embarrassed for falling into this. Toxic and cancerous and ****ty, Indeed!


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

Thata girl! I am telling you - once you see the person in their true perspective you will have nothing to do with him again. It is the real him coming out. There is a philosophy whereby one thinks affairs change people. Me. I think they highlight who the person was all along - this the real him coming out. The reason you cannot believe it is because you are not like him. The real you was in the relationship all the time. The more you see, the more you will be motivated to move on and quit wasting time on someone like him.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Print out this list of descriptors from this thread and read it whenever you start to wobble:

Your WH is:

- a liar
- a cheat
- mean
- two-faced
- manipulative
- abusive 
- toxic
- cancerous
- sh!tty

We could add lots more, I'm sure, but this is enough to see that you deserve better.

Stay dark and start to detach and heal.


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## Lilybelly (Mar 24, 2016)

I would appreciate more descriptors. I don't know and have never met another human like this in my life. 


It's like sleeping with the enemy. What is sort of freaking me out are the things I'm being told about his behavior with his last wife and their break up. And this: " please be very careful, he can and has done some scary stuff. You don't know what he is capable of. "

I'm a bit freaked out, yea, I am.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Accept that you'll never understand him -- or really know what's going on in his head -- so instead just concentrate on you. That's what I finally had to do with my ex-husband (who at his core was a world-class liar). It's hard to let go. I know. I held on much too long but I eventually did let go and didn't look back. 

Life is better without constantly trying to decide what's true and what's a lie.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

At this point I think you need to contact and read some of @EleGirl @Bloosom Leigh as they have dealt with abusive relationships. Also @Uptown as he dealt with a spouse who was BPD. 

A lot of the common approaches to your situation will not work. In fact they will make the situation worse. 9 times out of ten using water will put out a fire. 1 time out of ten it will spread the fire, such as a grease fire. These sights might help 

Going ?Gray Rock? with a Narcissist | Narcissist Support

Borderline Personality Disorder - Support group for families and relationship partners

What Therapists Don't Tell You About Divorcing A High-Conflict Personality


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## Lilybelly (Mar 24, 2016)

John, thank you.

Is there a special way to find the threads you are recommending I read? I'm not sure how to find them.

Thank you again for the reading list.


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## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

Lilybelly said:


> John, thank you.
> 
> Is there a special way to find the threads


Click on the posters name to view their profile, then click on "statistics" tab which is usually the default anyway, then click on "threads started".


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

One book that I think will help you get a handle on his bad behavior is "Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men"

Doing some reading on things like sociopaths, the book I list above, etc is not a bad idea. You need to learn what to look for so that you do not get sucked in again by a guy like him.


All people like him have a method they use to select out their victims ... early in the relationship they are usually extremely charming and wonderful. But they do little things to test the victim. I calls these tests. A person with weak boundaries makes excuses for their abusive/mean behavior and continues the relationship. A person with strong boundaries ends the relationship the first or second time something like this happens. This is how they pick a partner who will allow themselves to be mistreated/abused.

So what were his early on "tests"? Can you list any of them? YOu need to do that to make sure that you recognized them in anyone in the future.

But also limit the amount of time you spend trying to figure him out. At some point you need to come to a realization that there are bad people out there. They come in many different flavors and you need good, strong boundaries so that the first time you see a behavior that points to a man like him, you end the relationship.

By you putting so much energy into trying to puzzle out his problems, you are still letting him control you. Stop that. 

How do you get beyond this? Stop focusing on him. Start focusing on yourself.

What are you doing for yourself? What are you doing to start your new life? One thing you need to do is to make some friends and build yourself a support system. Check out the site Find your people - Meetup it's not a dating site. It's aa site for getting out, meeting people in real life, and doing things that you enjoy. Find some meetups and get out there. Also start socializing with people you already know.

How is your health? Do you work out? It's time to start this if you are not already doing it.


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## Lilybelly (Mar 24, 2016)

Thank you, Ele. 

I will read the book you have recommended. At this point, I can't think of any of tests he played because, if I am being honest, I still think about all the charm etc..he has displayed over the last few years. I am ashamed of myself for falling prey to him and his smooth talking ways. So, am working on trying to figure out me. The first thing I am doing is trying to not respond to him. His texts in the morning to tell me good morning, to tell me to have have a good day. Little texts about how he isn't able to face me because of what he's done or how his family is " on my side". ( I exposed his behavior far and wide and have received so much support)

I am working on myself first and have felt the need and do feel the need to remain a bit shut off. Not because I am mourning, but because I am working on strength and boundaries. Redoing my home, refocusing on my career..reading.. Lots of reading. 

I've joined the gym. My diet has slipped but am working on that too. I want to get off the AD's I'm on too but need to focus one step at a time. 

I never thought I was a woman with no boundaries. I think it happened gradually and have now become a shadow of my former self. I can't believe this is my life. Seriously. 

I have to be honest, I feel 100% better, more peaceful now that he is out of my house. I see glimmers of me coming out and I am more at ease. 

Thanks for the support, ya'll. You all have helped me immensely. I'd like to stay here and continue this thread.. If for no other reason, than to monitor my progress and growth.


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

Good job focusing on yourself. Your husband is dangerous and a skeeze. please talk to someone to perhaps move in with you, so you are not alone. Maybe stay in the spare room. 

There was no mention of kids? I hope i read that right? You can just wipe him from your life in that case. 

You don't need him, and you certainly are worth so much more. You come with decent credit and a house of your own? Girl, you are a hot ticket. He is using you because he thinks you are weak. keep showing him your metal and stay strong on NC, NEVER CONTACT! leave it to lawyers. you should not even want further explanation from him. He said he loved the other woman and he treated you badly AND is only using your credit. Get rid of the BIKE. SELL IT! Its his calling card, his dangling carrot. Your credit wont take any hit what so ever if you don't give him the power to do so. You are the boss here. He has nothing to threaten. YOU DONT WANT A BIKE DO YOU? Well guess what? ITS YOURS. 

He is just threatening because he has been using it to pick up chicks and have status at the bars, and been paying monthly payments on something you can just sell out from under him. He had dreams of owning it, and if you sell it he wont have a hog! Girl...you sell that bike, and then tell him play REAL nice on the divorce and leave you the hell alone and you MIGHT let him keep making payments on the car. But it would be better to sell both and seem him only affording a hoopty! It will be worth it seeing him drive a two toned camry.... (Fantasy world will burst.)


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## Lilybelly (Mar 24, 2016)

I have to share with you all how I am doing, right now.

In the last couple/three weeks, I have gotten busy. I redid the kitchen cabinets, chalk painted them all and the doors to pantry, laundry too. Painted all the trim and then, all the walls. Almost done and ready to tackle the next room.

The biggest reason this is important is twofold; 

I CAN do anything I want to do when I set my mind to it.

And,

I WILL be okay and heal from this horrible, abusive man AND, I have a fabulous future ahead. 

You all have helped in ways you maybe can't see, but I listened, followed instruction, maybe not as fast as I should have, going back to my very first post, but I did it. He is out, I feel 2000 pounds lighter and I feel hope. Big time. 

I have gained my voice. Exposing him to everyone was the BEST thing I have ever done. It was also very scary. I didn't know if he would physically lose it with me or not. If that would have been the last straw and push him over the edge. I didn't care. I did it...far and wide. Best.thing.i.ever.did.

I felt empowered. I feel brave. I am worth so much more. I have my voice back, important to mention that twice.... I refuse to talk to him until he starts telling the truth. Haven't talked to him in days. He tried to play me back a little. Checking in, asking about this or that...until I caught him again in a lie. Done.

Do I think I will have some ishy days. Sure, but the overall feeling here is hope. And an absolute knowing that this is so the right way forward.

Thank you for your part in this. This was more than twofold, right? 😜

Lil

Ps.

Still wanting to leave this open so I can keep writing.


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## dignityhonorpride (Jan 2, 2014)

That is such an amazing update! Good for you. Keep pushing forward. You deserve joy and you will find it! 

Sent from my VS986 using Tapatalk


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

That's great news!

Please do keep posting. Also don't forget the Social Section which I'd a great place for fun and frivolity.

And if you have never frivoled that's the place to start! 

Also, please stay here to share your wisdom with other people on TAM who are hurting and scared for their future. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Wow, you sound so much better now!! Keep up it up and you will be fine.


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

You will have down days again just be prepared and realize they will happen but they will get to be less and less. i strongly advise maintaining NC still. But wow. Your last post, like night and day. You are doing WONDERFUL. 

Where is the bike? Sold i hope. (Im mean)


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