# Are you getting STBX anything for xmas?



## HiRoad (Oct 22, 2012)

We have been S2.5 months and I have instituted NC, 180, go dark, and let her go. 

Xmas is her favorite holiday, my plan was to get a present and a card and i would write "Merry Christmas STBXW , HiRoad". I was not going to give her a card or present unless she got me one PERIOD!

Also, what about her family and my nieces/nephews on that side, do i get them anything (cards, gifts), or does that go against the 180?:scratchhead:

What are the rules for a newly S couple with D papers already filed thanks to STBXW.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

well we are divorced now but he would have got nada from me anyway

I only got him a birthday card because his bday is two weeks after mine and he got me a present (we'd been separated 1 month at that point and it was still a bit weird)

any later and nothing


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

I will put on my pointy Christmas elf shoes and give him a swift kick in his holly berries.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

All in the spirit of giving, of course.


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## BigMac (Oct 29, 2012)

That is a good question !

I don't know what to do as newly divorced !


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## Couleur (Apr 4, 2012)

Are kids involved?

if not, a card seems more than sufficient.

If yes, then definitely send a card and I would consider sending a card or small present (framed picture of the kids) to the grandparents with a note saying "Thanks for being a source of stability and unconditional love for the kids during this challenging period. with sincere thanks -- HiRoad"
Nieces and nephews -- I'd let it pass.


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## HiRoad (Oct 22, 2012)

> Are kids involved?


I have 2 little ones (3 & 1.5)




> If yes, then definitely send a card and I would consider sending a card or small present (framed picture of the kids) to the grandparents with a note saying "Thanks for being a source of stability and unconditional love for the kids during this challenging period. with sincere thanks -- HiRoad"
> Nieces and nephews -- I'd let it pass


Like i said, I will get everything prepared just in case she gets me something, i dont want to look like a scrooge. 

My SIL's kids i am (was) really close too. i was thinking of getting them something. And my FIL, who was devastated, it may be a good idea to get him a framed picture with your quote. 

As for my MIL, she has not said one word to me since the Bomb. Even the few times she has seen me in kid exchanges she does not acknowledge anything. We have a rollercoaster realationship, i dont know, should i be the "nice guy" and get her a car


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## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

I got mine a restraining order.

Because I'm sweet like that.


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## Eternal Embrace (Apr 26, 2012)

AP & HK - you're cracking me up!!!! Love it!!!

My STBXH - I wouldn't even give him the gift of dog sh!t off the bottom of my shoes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jpr (Dec 14, 2011)

nope. Nothing. Last Christmas, we had been separated 2 months. Our son was 11 months old. I got him nothing.

He got me a photo ornament from my "boys". The ornament had a picture of my son on it, and two of my deceased dogs. The photo did not include my current dog ....for some reason. :scratchhead:... Sasquatch later said that he "forgot" to put my living dog's picture in the ornament.

I just thought it was a little snarky on his part because I insisted on keeping our dog when Sasquatch moved out....so, I thought it was a jab at that...but, no. It was just Sasquatch being Sasquatch. 

I talked to his family, and requested that they not give me anything for Christmas. I could not afford to give them anything, and it was just awkward. I did make them a photo calendar of my son. ....and they ended up buying me a AAA membership because Sasquatch left me with an old beat-up SUV, and Sasquatch's family was worried about me driving their grandson around in that old tanker.


Sasquatch gave me a trinket of some sort of Valentine's Day. (This was 2 days after he wrote me a "kiss-off" letter and said that he didn't want to give up his 'one true love' to be with me. ) After that, I told him that I do not want anymore trinkets of gifts from him. If he felt the need to give me something, then I asked him to just give me the money he would have spent on the trinket.

....I bet he spent $20 on that stupid Christmas ornament. I would have rather had the $20...rather than an ornament that had my dead dogs' picture on it.


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## lostinspaces (Oct 22, 2012)

No. I've been way too nice as it is since finding out about her affair 1.5 months ago. 

Wait, I take that back. I forgot to leave one of the house keys ... I'll mail that to her and call that Christmas.


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

Angelpixie and I are giving the same thing for Christmas.  exactly what I was going to write opening this thread. Might shove a little something extra up his @ss for a stocking stuffer...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

No.


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## our vision shattered (May 25, 2012)

HappyKaty said:


> I got mine a restraining order.
> 
> Because I'm sweet like that.


Bahahahahah


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## our vision shattered (May 25, 2012)

Not a damn thing, ive done jewelry, leathers, computors, this year nothing !!!! Not even a call


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

Think l'll just give mine a card sayin thanks a f'n lot.


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## Hermes (Oct 8, 2012)

Nope. Nothing.


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## HiRoad (Oct 22, 2012)

i have only been S 11 weeks from my STBXW, no A, just typical problems. I figured i would get something and a card, just in case.


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## kruppmart (May 10, 2012)

Hell no. Would consider to give to my step children, but this could complicate things. Instead, I will buy myself something


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

this is a hard question for me. In reclection, I did neglect my wife a bit. I was lazy a lot of the times. Didn't give 100% to our relationship. Sure, all fixable things. My wife doesn't know how to communicate. Instead of telling me she was "tired of doing this or that" She kept quiet, was content. She couldn't tell me she was content instead of happy. 

Should I blame her? I didn't know how to do things right either. 

She chose to cheat, but I don't know where to put that one. 

There are things I have in motion, that I've had in motion for a while that basically I have very little to do to finish the gifts. 

The few gifts I had in mind for her, have been gifts that I meant to give her for the past 2 years. But never did. In a way I feel she deserves them from the past, and I shouldn't hold the present accountable for neglecting those things. Not sure where I stand. 

Friend said "Get her the gifts. Wrap them nicely and put them under your tree. Keep your NC and if she shows up for Christmas, give them to her" 

I don't know about that either. A different friend said to mail them to her... if I give her the gifts in the first place.

She doesn't talk to me unless it's about the kid, well until recently. She sent a text that really didn't have to do with kiddo. But other than that... nothing. So yeah, This could go either way for me. 

Still haven't decided yet.


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## HiRoad (Oct 22, 2012)

> She doesn't talk to me unless it's about the kid, well until recently. She sent a text that really didn't have to do with kiddo. But other than that... nothing. So yeah, This could go either way for me.




Dewayne, i am in the same boat, my STBXW has not talked to me either since sun. about kids only. She does not text me at all, and if she does it is about the kids.

What is weird, that i am starting to notice is that the more i pull away the more she does too, the more i try the more she opens lines of communication. 

I am still a little confused by all of this. I FEEL that maybe i may need to extend the olive branch a little, but i go back and forth. I am still in full 180 and NC, about to go DARK. But not sure if this is the right path.

There is no posOM, she has just had enough, i was not perfect (lots of $$$ stress,drinking, golfing, neglected M) but nothing worth D'ing over. She just quit. 

So confused with all this:scratchhead:


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

Same here. 

A while back I was thinking... how can they see a new me if they're not around? How do they know if we've been working so hard on ourselves if they aren't around much to see it. So I was thinking, y not keep in contact...

I stopped thinking so much about that and said to he11 with it. It still hurts like a b.ch tho. Since she's told me to my face "I don't miss you." I started letting go more and more each day. 

I may not get her anything. I just haven't decided yet.


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## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

Just a woman's perspective...

If she's trying to DIVORCE YOU, and you get her a gift, that makes you look incredibly pathetic.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

I think that was STBXH's perspective when I got him a gift the first Christmas after the speech. Granted, we were doing an in-house separation at the time, and were supposedly 'working on it,' but I thought "Hey, this may be the last Christmas gift I ever give him, so I'm going out in style." He 'got' me something too (a promise to create a website for my business), but somehow never followed through. 

I felt like OK, I showed him that I loved him, and I was taking the high road and not being vindictive, etc., but yeah, I think he just saw me as pathetic. If I had it to do over again, I wouldn't have worried so much. Like you, Dewayne, I already had something I was working on for him when he gave the speech, a really big long-term project. I should have just finished it and left it at that, and let that be his gift. Not gotten him something specifically for Christmas besides.

As for family, I've made homemade treats for his and my sides of the family for years. I did that as usual last year, but didn't buy gifts from me. I think his side of the family was surprised to hear from me, like somehow I was done with them because he was breaking us up. They still sent cards and his parents still gave me a gift. This year, I'd be surprised if I got remembered. It seems that they have bought into the idea that he has someone new, and yes, they still say they love me and I'm still DS' mom, but I don't think I'm part of the 'family' anymore. I might still send treats to my PIL's and SIL's, but it's because I care and want to keep lines of communication open for DS' sake.


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## hope4family (Sep 5, 2012)

The sad part is I know exactly what to get my s2bxw. She will LOVE IT. Or at least, would if it was actually from her husband. 

Oh well.


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## NoWhere (Oct 2, 2012)

HappyKaty said:


> Just a woman's perspective...
> 
> If she's trying to DIVORCE YOU, and you get her a gift, that makes you look incredibly pathetic.


 Let me guess. Your suggestion is to just send you the gift. That way we won't look pathetic. That's what I like about you Katy always looking out for us guys! :smthumbup:

So what do you want this year. Jewelry, clothes, Gift cards or cash!


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Yes


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## NoWhere (Oct 2, 2012)

angelpixie said:


> Yes


Does that mean you want all of the above?


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## HiRoad (Oct 22, 2012)

The more i think about i am going to be preapared for the best and expect the worse. I will get her something nice, and a card. But she is not gettnig sh** if i dont see anything from her. 

As for the PIL's i will send cards and pics of the kids.

As far as the SIL i will send the kids 1 gift and a card.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Just a little of each. No need to go overboard.


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## Too Little Too Late? (Sep 2, 2012)

I have a feeling stbxw is going to get me something. do i refuse it with a polite "no thank you"?


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## NoWhere (Oct 2, 2012)

I guess Santa won't be getting any cookie this year 


**was that wrong?**


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## NoWhere (Oct 2, 2012)

Too Little Too Late? said:


> I have a feeling stbxw is going to get me something. do i refuse it with a polite "no thank you"?


 Or just throw it straight in the garbage can when she hands it to you and say 'Thanks!'

I know that's just mean! I couldn't resist.


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## oncehisangel (Oct 13, 2012)

HappyKaty said:


> I got mine a restraining order.
> 
> Because I'm sweet like that.


see..now I like this girl....



:smthumbup:


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## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

oncehisangel said:


> see..now I like this girl....
> 
> 
> 
> :smthumbup:


I'm a very giving woman.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

My present is that I will try REALLY HARD to hold my tongue when he's being his usual azzhole self while I pick our daughter up for her Christmas vacation with me.


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## Peony55555 (Nov 4, 2012)

Too Little Too Late? said:


> I have a feeling stbxw is going to get me something. do i refuse it with a polite "no thank you"?


No way! Have fun with it......just go "awwwwww how sweeeeeeet!". Then take it and go to bed or out for a walk or something and act like it never happened.....how funny!


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

> Originally posted by TooLittleTooLate:
> I have a feeling stbxw is going to get me something. do i refuse it with a polite "no thank you"?


Why don't you cut him off at the pass with a well-timed, "I know we're ending things and will not, OF COURSE, be exchanging gifts any more, but I DID want to wish you health and peace of mind this coming year." ...or something to THAT effect.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Excellent idea!


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

...does giving him THE FINGER count as a 'gift exchange'?


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## Serenity_Prayer (Oct 31, 2012)

I'll help the kids pick out a gift for STBX, but not get him anything from me. Right before the end, he was down to picking me up a gift at the drugstore on the way home so it's hard to scale back from that.

I've got just one niece and one nephew from his side of the family. They are close in age to my kids and I like them so I'll get them gifts too.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I thought about this too, looks like just a card would be adequate


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## BigMac (Oct 29, 2012)

I asked her straight forward - Are you giving me Christmas present ?

She say NO - 3 minutes later she say " This year I won't give presents to anyone and last 2 years you never gave me one"

So, what if I still gave her one ? She likes those things ! ( I just wonder , doesn't say I'll )


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## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

BigMac said:


> I asked her straight forward - Are you giving me Christmas present ?
> 
> She say NO - 3 minutes later she say " This year I won't give presents to anyone and last 2 years you never gave me one"
> 
> So, what if I still gave her one ? She likes those things ! ( I just wonder , doesn't say I'll )


BigMac, do you even read what you type?

If you didn't get her a gift while you were married, why in the hell would you get her one now that you're DIVORCED?!?


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

HappyKaty said:


> I'm a very giving woman.
> 
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yeah?


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## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

UpnOver said:


> Yeah?


To those deserving.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

HappyKaty said:


> To those deserving.


*raises hand*


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Aren't you going to let Katy be the one to decide if you've been naughty or nice?


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

angelpixie said:


> Aren't you going to let Katy be the one to decide if you've been naughty or nice?


The new Alpha in me will let her know


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## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

angelpixie said:


> Aren't you going to let Katy be the one to decide if you've been naughty or nice?


He's naughty AND nice.

What a combination!


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

HappyKaty said:


> He's naughty AND nice.
> 
> What a combination!


I know when it's time to crack a joke.

And when it's time to get to business.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

A versatile man is a good man.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

angelpixie said:


> A versatile man is a good man.


Giggidy!

:smthumbup:


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

Stella Moon said:


> Angelpixie and I are giving the same thing for Christmas.  exactly what I was going to write opening this thread. Might shove a little something extra up his @ss for a stocking stuffer...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


perfect annndddd , l can get a double shove , she's female


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## Luonnotar (Aug 2, 2012)

Struggling with this myself. If it was just me, I'd give him absolutely NOTHING. (Of course, if it was just me, he wouldn't still be living in the basement.)
What with the kids, it's a little more difficult. I've decided that I'll help them get gifts for him, but I won't get anything for him.
Does that seem reasonable?
(Though I really REALLY like AngelPixie's idea....)


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## NoWhere (Oct 2, 2012)

Luonnotar said:


> Does that seem reasonable?
> (Though I really REALLY like AngelPixie's idea....)


Yes very reasonable. Just do everything in line with making this the best Xmas for your kids as possible given the circumstances.


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

Shedevil just called a bit ago. Kiddo sick and she called and talked about her work and medicine etc. 

She told me on the phone that "Jordan and I got you a gift, it's not much but anyways. She put it together" 

I said "So it's from Jordan, kewl" She said "No, it's from both of us"

I almost (definitely wanted to) asked her "why she cared to get me a gift" but since she insisted it was from them BOTH... 

I don't know if I'm gonna give her gift to her or not. I may send it to her brother.


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## HiRoad (Oct 22, 2012)

Dewayne, becareful here play your cards right. Remeber, the rules of the 180.


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## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

HiRoad said:


> Dewayne, becareful here play your cards right. Remeber, the rules of the 180.


Right.

And, remember what a plan B you are.


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## Italian_Mami31 (Mar 20, 2012)

Hell I been divorced from the X for a very LONG LONG TIME. I be damn to get him a gift his ass cant even pay child support for his kids.. why would i waste my previous dollars on him when I can use them on my family and kids Just saying.. I give him something a lump of poop in a stocking and mail to his ass LOL


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## Thoreau (Nov 12, 2012)

A pair of slippers and a dildo.

If she doesn't like the slippers she can go phuck herself.


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

lol @ slippers n dildo. 

Ohh I know guys. 

I'm just debating on whether I should tell her (or even how) "She's 3. Doesn't GIVE gifts. It's from you and I don't want it. You dropped me like a rock for single life while I was being a devoted and faithful husband doing everything to try and save the fmaily, ytf would I want anything from you"

Most of that was a rant, but you get the idea. 

I've decided to burn the picture frame.... leaving the pictures in it. Her mother died when she was 5/6. I made some photoshop pics of her mother holding her, and some with her daddy cropped in there, all out of old pics she doesn't remember having.


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## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

Dewayne76 said:


> lol @ slippers n dildo.
> 
> Ohh I know guys.
> 
> ...


Don't burn it, Dewayne.

BUT, she doesn't deserve it, right now.

Give it to JoJo.


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## didntcitcoming (Oct 15, 2012)

In the spirit of giving...cause I am a giver.....I suppose I will put a very large red bow on the top of my size 11 shoe and give it to her right in the A$$!!!! 

If that doesn't say Merry Xmas and ILYBINILWY I don't know what does :smthumbup::smthumbup:

Happy Holidays:smthumbup:


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

I totally agree with Katy - those are still JoJo's grandparents, so someday it might be very special to her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

Dewayne76 said:


> lol @ slippers n dildo.
> 
> Ohh I know guys.
> 
> ...


Get your head out of your ass.

And you call your ex selfish.

Look in the mirror every once and a while.

How fvcking dare you not accept a gift from your child, 3 years old or not.

Any photos with your ex and your daughter you box up and keep for her.

This is where I draw the line reading sob BS crap, when it comes to kids.

If I could, I'd smack the sh!t out of you.

Christ, separate your ex from your daughter.

She doesn't deserve to suffer losing memories because Dad can't "handle" it.

Fvck.


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

I don't care waht you think Up.

I'm tired of you being such a prlck all the time. Tuff love is one thing but even when some people are having a bad day you dish it out like you're top dog. 

Smack the sh.t outta me? Internet tuff guy? lol. Awesome. 

Tell ya what, if you can't stop acting so "tuff" on responses, and be a little more civil, don't reply to me. Ever. 

Photos? YOu don't have a clue wtf's going on. The pics I burned are the ones I spent hours on and I have copies. So why don't you just keep your trap shut when it comes to me. Alright?

Edited* For the record, I see your point. I was kinda pissed off when I wrote that. Had you been CIVIL instead of a moron, I'd taken your post a lot more respectful. Since you couldn't post respectfully, well...


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

Dewayne76 said:


> I don't care waht you think Up.
> 
> I'm tired of you being such a prlck all the time. Tuff love is one thing but even when some people are having a bad day you dish it out like you're top dog.
> 
> ...


Of course you don't care what I think.

I say what I say because I cannot stand seeing someone who clearly has the capacity for so much waste it away playing poor me all the time.

Internet tough guy? Right.

The internet has nothing to do with it.

You also have more than enough people on here patting your back when you need it.

All I want out of any of this is to see you guys have some love for yourselves.

How I was 6 months ago makes you look like a champ.

Trust me on that.

There is much more to life than pining over the woman who cheated on you.

I want you to see that and take it, start living life for yourself.


You also do not need to apologize.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Playing devil's advocate here, Dewayne. I don't know how you're doing things with Jojo, but when my DS was 3, we were already trying to get him in the spirit of giving things to people, not just looking to see what he was going to get. Do you think there's a chance that Jojo thinks she's giving this to you? Even though anything she could do at this age would be with an adult's help, she may truly think it's from her to you. Maybe I'm off base in this situation, but I don't think you'd ever want to take the chance of hurting your little girl, and there's always the chance that STBXW could get vindictive and say "Daddy didn't want the gift we made for him, Jojo." Could you accept it from Jojo, and ignore STBXW's part in it, for Jojo's sake?


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

I could, but I had the conversation with the wife. The whole conver. lead me to believe that jojo had little to do with it. TBH, If I heard her correctly at the end she even said "Well, I put it together, jojo was coloring" 

At first, and a little now, I doubt it has jojo's hands / involvement. I've been kinda angry all day, dealing with a lot of stuff. Trying to lighten my mood has been tough. 

I don't know what I'll do. Even in my post I said I didn't even know if I should. Didn't say it like I was being a prlck about it. 

She JUST turned 3. She's not almost 4. I know how much development they can have by 4... she's not that advanced yet. So I feel any involvement will be from momma. 

This is my firs ttime going through anything like this. I still have full emotions ramping all inside my head. IN fact, I'm holding it together pretty goshdang well if I do say so myself. 

I'm conflicted. I'm a recovery Rageaholic (from years ago) and I"m trying to keep the progress i"ve made, giving all the shlt I've had dealt to me in the last few days, much less last 3 months. 

As far as burning goes, the pic. frame goes, I have NOT burned yet, and I prob. won't. I may keep it until later and decide on a different time. 

I will provide a he11 of a christmas for my baby and me. I hope my stbx does go to my mom's for christmas like she said she'd try to.... because I won't be there. I'm gonna spend it alone, with jojo. Not there.


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## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

Dewayne, you don't want to hear, or accept, the truth.

That's why you keep creating so many threads.

You get mad at the people that support you and relish those that don't. 

Come on, Dewayne.

You know better.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

HappyKaty said:


> Dewayne, you don't want to hear, or accept, the truth.
> 
> That's why you keep creating so many threads.
> 
> ...


Maybe he doesn't.


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

Maybe, maybe not. 

It's obvious that I am having a terrible time getting through this. 

I really haven't started so many threads, especially about me. I ask general questions and I get barked at. I see others doing it, and no one says a dam thing to them. Strange. 

Yes, I am co-dependent. I'm trying to work on it. 

However, if I had to describe the love I have / had for my stbxw, I'd have to use movie references to those romantic dramas that has the guy doing really stupid things for the girl throughout life/the movie to be with them in the end. 

That's how I felt about her. Throw in my negative actions and this argument that started this, and now how she's acting and it's like a grenade went off in my head. 

I love my daughter more than anyone can know. IF I thought she had a shred of involvement in the gift I wouldn't turn it down. 

At this point, I'm trying to not HATE my WW. I don't like the word hate, nor it's feelings and I'm battling it. Yes, I mourn my past life with them. I only wanted to make it through the holidays as a family. It's very rough for me and in-sensitives are getting to me. 

From a POV of a person that is trying to fix anger issues, tough love kinda pisses me off at times and I don't always respond to the treatment as expected. 

Everyone's situation is different, however with soooo many similarities. With my situation, my mindset, my issues involved, losing EVERYTHING already... no money. No cars (hot rods), NOTHING to show for $37,000 invested in the haunt, no haunt equipment left, no airbrushing equipment left, $4,000 in appliances that's gone... NOTHING left. I'm having a really tough fvcking time. 

All I ask is a little acceptance of my situation and understanding how I feel and how hard it is for me. Tough love obviously doesn't work well for me, and what do you guys say about doing the same thing without results? TRY SOMETHING DIFFERENT!

As far as gifts go: I've decided to finish the project and keep it for myself. It means so much more to me than it would her, at this time anyways. The original pictures, I already have boxed up. 

I doubt I'll even get her a card. She's playing the bltch and right now I can't give 2 rat shlts about it/her.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

>>I really haven't started so many threads, especially about me. I ask general questions and I get barked at. I see others doing it, and no one says a dam thing to them. Strange.<<

Arguing for the Victim Chair Dewayne?


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## soca70 (Oct 30, 2012)

Conrad/Katy - I think you guys are farther along than Dewayne in the process. He's about 2 months in if I recall (the same as me) and from where I sit, I can relate to the feelings of loss here that he's expressing. When your entire world disintegrates in moments, it's very hard to come to terms with especially if there are children involved. Plus Dewayne has lost his savings, etc on top of this. 

I think he's trying to make sense of the situation as best as he can. I'm in the same boat as "Why is this really happening?" as if understanding it can fix it somehow. These tools that we are working with to improve ourselves will take time to implement - it's not a quick fix here and the emotions flucuate wildly day to day.

My point is - give Dewayne a break. He's fully engaged here on TAM, reading, and offering advice/support to others.


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## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

soca70 said:


> Conrad/Katy - I think you guys are farther along than Dewayne in the process. He's about 2 months in if I recall (the same as me) and from where I sit, I can relate to the feelings of loss here that he's expressing. When your entire world disintegrates in moments, it's very hard to come to terms with especially if there are children involved. Plus Dewayne has lost his savings, etc on top of this.
> 
> I think he's trying to make sense of the situation as best as he can. I'm in the same boat as "Why is this really happening?" as if understanding it can fix it somehow. These tools that we are working with to improve ourselves will take time to implement - it's not a quick fix here and the emotions flucuate wildly day to day.
> 
> My point is - give Dewayne a break. He's fully engaged here on TAM, reading, and offering advice/support to others.


First off, I'm four months in, and Dewayne has been here the same amount of time I have.

Secondly, though, and most important, I never tried to give Dewayne a hard time. 

I befriended him from day one.

Everyone transitions at their own pace, and I respect that.

But, some people advise others to do things THEY should be doing.

That is a problem that needs to be addressed.


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## soca70 (Oct 30, 2012)

HappyKaty said:


> some people advise others to do things THEY should be doing.
> 
> That is a problem that needs to be addressed.


It's always the do as I say not as I do. So hard to follow your own advice.

I'm not saying you guys are giving him a hard time just to give him a hard time. In fact, the 2X4 approach is what's needed usually for an objective opinion. My concern is too much tough loce turning someone away from the forum. But that's me as I'm very PC.


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## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

soca70 said:


> It's always the do as I say not as I do. So hard to follow your own advice.
> 
> I'm not saying you guys are giving him a hard time just to give him a hard time. In fact, the 2X4 approach is what's needed usually for an objective opinion. My concern is too much tough loce turning someone away from the forum. But that's me as I'm very PC.


The majority of us, on this forum, are severely codependent. 

Kissing each others as*es will get us no where.

Conrad, Up, Spun and Angel gave me tons of tough love.

There were times I absolutely hated them.

BUT, they made me into the person I am now.

And for that, I'm thankful, and I respect them more than you could ever imagine.


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## soca70 (Oct 30, 2012)

HappyKaty said:


> Kissing each others as*es will get us no where.


:iagree:This I wholeheartedly agree with. Already you, Angel, and Conrad have been an extreme help to me through this just by pointing out the obvious (but not to me) and not soft-selling it.

On topic - I'm thinking of telling STBXW to arrange with the MIL to get a Xmas gift to her from the kids as I don't feel it's my place anymore to buy one. Or is that just vindictive and petty? MIL lives 2000 miles away so it will be a PITA. Am I hurting the boys?


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Your still in the position of educating your children, soca. You do want to teach your kids to respect their mom, right? And you want to teach them about wanting to give a gift to someone they love, rather than only wanting gifts for themselves, right? That's also part of mom & dad helping the kids get gifts for the other parent. Having MIL do that from 2000 miles away won't teach them those lessons the way you can in person. 
Eventually, they'll get old enough to do it on their own, but you can be the one to do the things they can't right now, like drive, order things online, etc.


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## soca70 (Oct 30, 2012)

angelpixie said:


> Your still in the position of educating your children, soca. You do want to teach your kids to respect their mom, right? And you want to teach them about wanting to give a gift to someone they love, rather than only wanting gifts for themselves, right? That's also part of mom & dad helping the kids get gifts for the other parent. Having MIL do that from 2000 miles away won't teach them those lessons the way you can in person.
> Eventually, they'll get old enough to do it on their own, but you can be the one to do the things they can't right now, like drive, order things online, etc.


This is good advice, Angel. I'm having some difficulty in balancing the vindictiveness vs what is healthy boundary-setting through all of this. I just want to lash out any way I can. This will be the topic of my next ICs.


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## oncehisangel (Oct 13, 2012)

I, and my three adult kids will be ignoring our posX for Chrissy 


As you wish.


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## Pbartender (Dec 6, 2012)

I will be giving her the one thing she's been talk about and asking for all year, the one thing she really wants but that she won't get for herself...

Divorce papers.



Pb.


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

HappyKaty said:


> The majority of us, on this forum, are severely codependent.
> 
> Kissing each others as*es will get us no where.
> 
> ...


First off, with no offense intended, I asked for a little compassion, I don't remember the definition being [email protected]@kissed. 

They do give tough love, but that's not what made you who you are sweety, the thing is, YOU made yourself. You always had it in you, they just helped guide you home. 

Gifts: Update. Long story short I had to pick the stbx up from her Hearse dying in the road (ironic huh)... she is pretty upset ya know. As she was getting her stuff out of the truck to go in, she said "I was thinking if you wanted to, we could get together Wed and do the gift thing, watch a movie and talk if you want"

Kinda threw me a bit. I didn't know what to say so I said "If you want to" she said "Well, it was MY idea... lol" So I said we'll see. 

I'm not giving her the hand made item, and I don't have a gift to her either from JoJo. I don't know what I'm gonna do now. 

Do I pick something up and B/S her and say it's from "Me and JoJo"? LoL!?


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## NoWhere (Oct 2, 2012)

HappyKaty said:


> Kissing each others as*es will get us no where..


On the contrary. Kissing my a$$ will get you somewhere.


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## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

NoWhere said:


> On the contrary. Kissing my a$$ will get you somewhere.


Oh, NoWhere.


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

:moon::rofl:


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## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

Dewayne76 said:


> In face, I bet you guys didn't know I was the OM!?!? :rofl:


I bet I didn't know, either.


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

*Edited*


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

Dewayne76 said:


> Well, I hate to tell you this, but you're a paranoid skitz with 2 personalities. You've had 2 names on this site, you don't remember important things that youv'e done and your location shows to be in "Fantasy "Land"
> 
> Does this mean you just pulled a D-day on yourself?
> 
> ...


She changed usernames because her crazy ass ex was stalking her on the forums.

The same one who she also had to get a restraining order on.

Which is why she didn't take too kindly to the "OM" comment.

Especially seeing how this is a divorce website and I highly doubt you 2 are close enough to be making such 'jokes'.

Just saying.


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

My apologies.


I edited the things out.


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

stbxw told me last night she got me xmas gift. I already planned on taking D6 out to pick something for her. Something from her and something small from both of us. 

But just from me... I'm thinking of giving her a thank you card with a note inside. Something simple like, "Thank you for the excellent 8 yrs of marriage that we shared, and for our beautiful daughter."


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## Hermes (Oct 8, 2012)

No. No gifts for her. I am getting myself a week long trip to japan (hopefully in january) and finishing my tattoos (sleeves).


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

Hermes said:


> No. No gifts for her. I am getting myself a week long trip to japan (hopefully in january) and finishing my tattoos (sleeves).


Not helping your kiddo pick something out for mom?


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## Hermes (Oct 8, 2012)

UpnOver said:


> Not helping your kiddo pick something out for mom?


No. I will help her make something for her. Some art or something. That way we do something together and she can give it to her.


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

My bday was end of November... X did not get me anything. I took our son to the store and allowed him to pick something out for x's bday lat weekend (DS chose cologne). Fine.

I plan to do the same thing for Christmas. For me it is more about my DS having something to give his dad than me giving anything to STBXH.


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Got her a watch and a DVD. Both things you could get for a friend, ie I stayed away from anything that could be romantically construed. In the end I'll probably just make em both out from the kids.


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

zillard said:


> stbxw told me last night she got me xmas gift. I already planned on taking D6 out to pick something for her. Something from her and something small from both of us.
> 
> But just from me... I'm thinking of giving her a thank you card with a note inside. Something simple like, "Thank you for the excellent 8 yrs of marriage that we shared, and for our beautiful daughter."


Scratch that. Thought about it some more. Will take daughter out to pick something for her but not doing a sweet Thank You card from me. She doesn't deserve it and won't appreciate it anyway because she has re-written history and painted the entire marriage black. If that makes her feel better - fine. Why pound on a brick wall? 

Instead I bought a $5 frame and will put an 8x10 photo of daughter in it for her new apartment, cuz she's not taking the nice one that I framed and hung... again.


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## HiRoad (Oct 22, 2012)

Think i am going to have kids make her a card and i will put thier pic in it. 

For me, i will get her a stand-by card and possible small item. 

What do i write in the card, since I am in NC w/her? I was thinking "May God bless you with happiness, peace, and love" "merry xmas, HiROad"


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

HiRoad said:


> Think i am going to have kids make her a card and i will put thier pic in it.
> 
> For me, i will get her a stand-by card and possible small item.
> 
> What do i write in the card, since I am in NC w/her? I was thinking "May God bless you with happiness, peace, and love" "merry xmas, HiROad"


Don't the cards already say that crap in em? Just sign it with an initial. Why waste ink?


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## HiRoad (Oct 22, 2012)

zillard said:


> Don't the cards already say that crap in em? Just sign it with an initial. Why waste ink?


I got her card from the $0.99 store!


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## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

HiRoad said:


> I got her card from the $0.99 store!


That's $0.99 more than I would've spent.


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## HiRoad (Oct 22, 2012)

HappyKaty said:


> That's $0.99 more than I would've spent.


It was a 10 pack, so it was only $0.10!!!!!


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