# Tough answers



## sbm1977 (May 29, 2012)

So if you've asked your cheating spouse whether the sex was better and the answer 'no, just different'. Does that mean yes.


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

I had this concern as well. I asked several times and got the exact same answer - "just different".

Feel free to read my story. As a result of these discussions, my wife offered a free pass so that I could experience this for myself. I used it, and I can tell that I don't love my wife any less as a result of my extramarrital sex - it was just.... different.

So I believe on this. We have plenty of other issues, but this part; I trust her on.


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

I dunno. I had a few partners before meeting my wife, and yeah sex with each was different. But at the same time I would have no problem ranking it from better to worse.


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## Looking to heal (Jun 15, 2011)

What if answer was yes, what if answer was no.

What is the significance of this question ?

Was the sex with spouse better early in the relationship or later (post kids, responsibility...) or the same.

Pretty sure most might say early on.

Pretty sure most would also say sex with affair partner was better.

But so what ? Not really comparing apples to apples.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

sbm1977 said:


> So if you've asked your cheating spouse whether the sex was better and the answer 'no, just different'. Does that mean yes.


I really dont think the answer is important. It is whether you both can get past that question.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

wiigirl said:


> I really dont think the answer is important. It is whether you both can get past that question.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You are right about this, the answer is irrelevant since WS often, if true, will lie about it.

The question is asked to be reassured that you are good enough. Self worth and self esteem of LS is challenged when infidelity occurs, so it is very natural to ask.

Not asking anymore will mean that self esteem has been restored.

But then again; maybe lack of self esteem is partner specific, maybe it won't be necessary to ask when with a new partner :scratchhead:


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## jenny1981 (Jun 14, 2012)

Ok so heres something to think about if the sex wasn't better with the OW or OM in a PA that lasted more then once or twice why would your WS ruin your marriage. You got to be kidding me, of course if their trying to save their marraige they will lie to you, they've become amazing liars. Only we know if we're better in bed so if you lie there like a bump on the log chances are th AP was better thats why your WS kept going back for more. So now that there faced with losing their family or kids or money they tell us what we wanna hear. Seriously people take your head out of your ass. You know damn well the AP was better in bed and a better listener and chances are the AP is truly his or her best friend. I know I will piss most of you off but the truth is rght unde your noses. Wake up! Hate me if you must but at least I'm honest, truth hurts I know, I'm in the boat with the rest of you.


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## BigLiam (May 2, 2012)

jenny1981 said:


> Ok so heres something to think about if the sex wasn't better with the OW or OM in a PA that lasted more then once or twice why would your WS ruin your marriage. You got to be kidding me, of course if their trying to save their marraige they will lie to you, they've become amazing liars. Only we know if we're better in bed so if you lie there like a bump on the log chances are th AP was better thats why your WS kept going back for more. So now that there faced with losing their family or kids or money they tell us what we wanna hear. Seriously people take your head out of your ass. You know damn well the AP was better in bed and a better listener and chances are the AP is truly his or her best friend. I know I will piss most of you off but the truth is rght unde your noses. Wake up! Hate me if you must but at least I'm honest, truth hurts I know, I'm in the boat with the rest of you.


What leads you to conclude this? The fact that it went on for a while does not mean the Ap was better in any fashion, IMO. There are myriad reasons, primarily related to a cheater's character and deficiencies, that could cause the cheater to hang onto the cheating.
My XW and her "best frined" were at each other's throats after a year in reality. If he was so good in all these areas, why did the relationship blow up?
Obviously, one cannto be objective about one's ability in bed. But, at least in my case, the OM was a bit uglier than me, less educated , and seemed less intelligent.
If he had more developed sexual abilities, they do not seem to have been sufficient enough to keep the relationship going.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

My wife was the same as "most just different" was her response. I do not believe that. We all know that the WS is pumped up about the affiar, they do things or write things the may not have done with you. They had great sex at some point. It was a taboo relationship, checked into a hotel with someone, Remember the rush of a new relationship? That is what they had that rush.

They are just trying to avoid being honest.


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## WorkOnIt (Jun 6, 2012)

My WW's was short lived. She told me the first time it was odd and uncomfortable, second time she felt a little more comfortable, and the third and last time with the guy she was already at the guilt / wrong stage so it was not comfortable at all. She told me it's way better with me because of the closeness we share, and the comfort level to let herself go. I believe this to be the truth, and it does make sense. It also makes sense why hers was so short lived. Her conscience wasn't allowing it to be that fun. The fantasy of it was probably funner than the actual act with guilt involved.

*shrug*


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

sbm1977 said:


> So if you've asked your cheating spouse whether the sex was better and the answer 'no, just different'. Does that mean yes.


Why would you ask that question?


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## jenny1981 (Jun 14, 2012)

WorkOnIt said:


> My WW's was short lived. She told me the first time it was odd and uncomfortable, second time she felt a little more comfortable, and the third and last time with the guy she was already at the guilt / wrong stage so it was not comfortable at all. She told me it's way better with me because of the closeness we share, and the comfort level to let herself go. I believe this to be the truth, and it does make sense. It also makes sense why hers was so short lived. Her conscience wasn't allowing it to be that fun. The fantasy of it was probably funner than the actual act with guilt involved.
> 
> *shrug*[/QUOT
> 
> ...


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## jenny1981 (Jun 14, 2012)

AngryandUsed said:


> Why would you ask that question?


I think we've all asked or wondered that answer before.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

I've heard that some WW/WH stated that the sex was better because it was a thrill knowing that they were doing something secret and wrong. That it was taboo. But, once the thrill is gone after being discovered, it really wasn't that great anymore.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

jenny1981 said:


> I think we've all asked or wondered that answer before.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes, all of us have wondered at that.
It was at that initial stages. See the point?

Since A itself is wrong, what will we achieve by asking that question?

All of us are different and each one of us is unique. OM/OW will also be different and sex with OM/OW will no doubt be different. 

WS will not let you know the real answer, dude. And if you are asking this, you have already given way to feel that you are inferior.

Who is at fault, is it the cheater or BS?


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Putting aside the infidelity crap, do you tell your spouse the sex you had with some XGF/XBFF, or several of them was way better than with you?
Do you tell the best sex ever was with some roandom ONS you had when single?
.... on and on.


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## completely_lost (May 10, 2012)

Acabado said:


> Putting aside the infidelity crap, do you tell your spouse the sex you had with some XGF/XBFF, or several of them was way better than with you?
> Do you tell the best sex ever was with some roandom ONS you had when single?
> .... on and on.


I agree 100% with you and if you believe anything your WS says after an A , you are more then likely in serious denial.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BigLiam (May 2, 2012)

AngryandUsed said:


> Yes, all of us have wondered at that.
> It was at that initial stages. See the point?
> 
> Since A itself is wrong, what will we achieve by asking that question?
> ...


Cheater brought this on.


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## Zippy the chimp (May 15, 2012)

I didn't ask if it was better than with me, she did tell me she was uncomfortable, there wasn't the emotion like we have and she had decided never to go back, but then again it only happened once. I think everyone is a little uncomfortable when with someone new, been a very long time for me with anyone (well before I was married of course) so I am sure it would be very strange to be with someone new. If it was a long time A then I think that uncomfortable feeling might go away sure there might be some guilt but if you have been doing it a lot with the OM/OW don't think the guilt is really there anymore.


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## sbm1977 (May 29, 2012)

Well I asked the question when she said it had got physical as it just sort of blurted out. She did at the time say but no not really and laughed a little as well, saying how rude it was to say that about someone. Oddly after speaking to him I think this is true it wasn't the main focus because both (they've had NC for months) & I confronted him last week finally said 5 times in a year. We have a very busy family life and I genuinely think it was difficult to find the time. I won't ask her anymore on this topic - just make damm sure it's great back at home


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

When it comes to sex "different" is always good. But, the fact the affair sex seems to be on the run in most cases it may not be as good as it can be....just different.

I think asking about the AP sex and the size of there "thing" or the size of there boobs, is bad enough to have to ask in the 1st place, yet alone knowing that it has to be asked period.

In time it really won't matter (the sex or the size) the things that stick with us betrayed is it happened.


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