# Bad start. How to make it better?



## SCT (Oct 2, 2012)

Hello,
I'll try to put long story in short version.
I had a wife, and a business partner with girlfriend. It came out that I and my business partner's girlfriend fell in love. I have divorced quite fast, but my love stuck in double relationship. It took 10 month for her, to move out from that guy.
Now we live together, but I feel very bad inside. 
I always had a vision, that my wife should be "made" only for me. (And I had such a wife, that I left) I even made a promise to myself, that I will never marry, or live with lady, who gave all herself to somebody.
Now I feel trapped, because I love that lady, but I can't get rid of 2 things:
1. She in a way cheated me all that time, and she had sex with me, and after few days with her boyfriend. That makes me go out of my mind.
2. I don't know how to accept that she had a past before we met? 

Everyday I'm thinking, that she was having pleasure with other men, and I don't know how to cope with that. When I think, that maybe my future wife and mother of future children did that with other man, I can't accept that. 
Even sex sometimes negative because I picture her doing the same with some other guy, and than I turn off completely.
I love her, but now it's very painful for me, I don't know what to do.. 
Maybe You could help me?


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## sunshinetoday (Mar 7, 2012)

A relationship that starts from cheating rarely will last. Truly I think you should cut your losses and start over fresh. She was sleeping w.her BF during the time you just got together...how do you get over that? Give yourself some time alone. And the next person you get involved with should be SINGLE!


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Here's anothering thing to think about:

IF they'll cheat with you , they'll cheat on you. 

So she may still decide to sneak out and hook up with the old BF - they former business partner you cheated on with his GF.

You've chosen to be a cheater and to be with a cheater. You're now both cheaters - so the mere idea you want a girl who's pure and loyal is ridiculous, since you've selected a woman without honor and have obtained her in a most dishonorable manor.

You either need to adjust your expectations to be honest about the situation and the type of woman she is and the type of man you are - or you are going to continue to suffer because your wants are opposite of your reality.


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

This is why I don't understand people cheating and then leaving with the AP. How could you ever trust someone that cheated with you? I am thinking that what you are going through is beyond normal. How can you have a relationship where there is no trust to begin with?

With all that being said, almost any relationship that you start now will have a past. You are not 10 yrs old anymore. I think the bigger picture is that you have come out of the affair fog. Real life is kicking in and you have realized that it is the same as a marriage without the trust. I do not see you guys lasting. Maybe it is time for you to be single for awhile.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

You made your bed now fvck in it.

Only thing you can do really.


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## mrstj4sho88 (Sep 5, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Here's anothering thing to think about:
> 
> IF they'll cheat with you , they'll cheat on you.
> 
> ...


She cheated with you and will cheat on you too. You can't turn a hoe into a housewife..You were married and hooked up with her.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

mrstj4sho88 said:


> She cheated with you and will cheat on you too. You can't turn a hoe into a housewife..You were married and hooked up with her.


In reality, both are hoes. So, you also cant turn a hoe into a husband.

My suggestion:
- step back and reevaluate your situation and your morals and boundaries


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

SCT said:


> Hello,
> I'll try to put long story in short version.
> I had a wife, and a business partner with girlfriend. It came out that I and my business partner's girlfriend fell in love. I have divorced quite fast, but my love stuck in double relationship. It took 10 month for her, to move out from that guy.
> Now we live together, but I feel very bad inside.
> ...


You had an Emotional Affair/ Physical Affair, divorced the woman who promised to spend the rest of her life with you, and then you tried to make this woman you were cheating with into the woman you left. 

Yea good luck with that. I think you have a lot of soul searching to do because you have really hurt a lot of people. I bet you thought that this woman would be your muse, your inspiration for a perfect life. That is what we call AFFAIR FOG. You jumped out of marriage with someone you knew well for someone you barely know except for the fact that she is good at flirting and making you feel good in bed. Now you have to find out if she is marriage material. 

Do yourself a favor stop seeing this woman before she cheats on you and leaves you feeling the same way your 1st wife feels now. You have made your bed now you have to face the music. 

It is going to be a bumpy ride. I would suggest you call your first wife and go crawling back begging for her to take you back. Give Reconciliation a chance. But yea good luck you are going to need it.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

underwater2010 said:


> This is why I don't understand people cheating and then leaving with the AP. How could you ever trust someone that cheated with you? I am thinking that what you are going through is beyond normal. How can you have a relationship where there is no trust to begin with?
> 
> With all that being said, almost any relationship that you start now will have a past. You are not 10 yrs old anymore. I think the bigger picture is that you have come out of the affair fog. Real life is kicking in and you have realized that it is the same as a marriage without the trust. I do not see you guys lasting. Maybe it is time for you to be single for awhile.


You know what they used to do to people who where traitors. When a person was a traitor and the country they abandoned lost. The winning country would publicly execute most of them as a sign of good faith and to prevent backlash and because the new leaders would not trust someone willing to turn their backs on their homeland. I know it is a far cry from marriage but I think the lesson is universal. Don't turn your back on the people that know you and love you. For someone who is using you and then will leave you to die out in the cold.


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

I bet alot of people thank god we have moved on from that. LOL


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## SCT (Oct 2, 2012)

But if we will forget, how it started? 
Maybe you could give some advices how to live on and continue, because still there's a possibility, that it turns out well..


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

SCT said:


> But if we will forget, how it started?
> Maybe you could give some advices how to live on and continue, because still there's a possibility, that it turns out well..


That is just it....you will never forget how it started. That is like forgetting your first kiss or you first marriage. Go ahead and bury your head in the sand. I am going to tell you as a BS there is no hurt like being cheated on. When that time comes...I will be here to help you get over it.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Obviously you resent she was cake eating for nearly a year while you left all for her without a doubt.
You will pay her by cheating on her, that's the way you manage relationships after all, right?

Also your GF is a cake eater, proven fact. She will cheat on you. No doubt about it. The question is not "if" but "when" wna "who". That's the fate most couples born out of infidelity get. But of course you nad GF are special, unique. Love conquers.... what?

Nice move lose any inch of integrity destroying your marriage and bussiness - along with two other innocent people - only to find the grass is not greener. 


Stay here for a while, read some threads, get some insight of the other side, familiarize with the terms. At least get some awareness of the reality of this kind of relationships.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

How can you love some chick that brings out the worst in you?

I mean your GF helped you ruin your marriage and now she helps you feel like crap! This is not the girl for you. 

Learn your lesson and find a women that has the *character* to be loyal to you and her self that has healthy boundries.....you just might learn something from this kind of women.

The one you have now won't teach you a thing or bring out the best in you.

Run Forest run!!!!!!!!!!



You can't make your GF better, you can however make your self better by finding a better GF. 

How long has your GF been in counseling to learn the tools to be a emotionally healthier person, and address her issues with the lack of boundries she has?


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

SCT said:


> But if we will forget, how it started?
> Maybe you could give some advices how to live on and continue, because still there's a possibility, that it turns out well..


Well going by statistics, its a long shot for happily ever after but it does happen, rare as it is. 

But going back in time, I suppose the relationship with your ex wife started out without cheating as a precursor. Yet, it ended. So life's a gamble, it might turn out well, it might not.


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## fortheloveofit2 (Oct 1, 2012)

aug said:


> In reality, both are hoes. So, you also cant turn a hoe into a husband.
> 
> My suggestion:
> - step back and reevaluate your situation and your morals and boundaries


This is the first time I have ever heard this before...CLASSIC


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## SCT (Oct 2, 2012)

Don't you guys, a bit judgemental?
Yes, I made a mess in my, and others life. But if it's true love? Maybe it was worth doing it, and now it requires only to arrange everything in the right way?


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

It sounds like you only want to marry virgins. Correct me if I'm wrong.

Now, don't take this the wrong way, but your chances of meeting a virgin at your present age are slim and none. And any girl near your age who is a virgin has some ...not sexual hang ups, but has made choices which don't include an active sex life.

ANY girl you date or marry presently (outside of some 20 year old co-ed) is going to be experienced.

So you need to adjust your expectations.

I do not wish you good luck because I don't think you deserve my well wishes. Two people are hurting badly because of the choices you made. I wish them good luck.

But I wish you no animosity.

Edited to add: Was your wife a virgin when you met? Seems it wasn't that important to you.

How exactly do you 'arrange' for an experienced girlfriend to suddenly be a virgin again?

And the base word for 'judgemental' is judgement: the capacity to assess situations or circumstances shrewdly and to draw sound conclusions


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## SCT (Oct 2, 2012)

Yes, my wife was a virgin, and that was important for me. 
I don't think, that it is possible to "arrange" virginity for new gf, of course. My question was, how I should start to think, and how to overcome all bad feelings, if I want to continue with her.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Okay, let me be blunt. Why should I help you?

What is your motive in all of this? What are you trying to do with her?


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## SCT (Oct 2, 2012)

You shouldn't help, if you feel, that it's useless. 
What I want from her?
I want to be happy with her. Marry, have children and live good life.
Do You think, I'm so stupid, that I buried my business and 10 years with my wife just to have fun? 
I just saw, that new gf has more potential and fits better in my vision of life, that ex wife. 
Also I was thinking, that my ex wife will not be happy living with me and knowing, that I'm not satisfied. 
You get a picture of me as a heart eater, but that is not how it is. I never had another lady except my wife, before all this affairs.
I just wanted to be happy, and all these months, while waiting, I was counting as investment into the future. One thing I was wrong, was my feelings about her past. I was pretty sure, that day she will come to me, I will forgive and forget all the past, but despite she has changed a lot, during that time (to better), I can't get rid of that past. That's the issue.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Not only did that woman your with cheated on you, but you cheated on her with your wife. So sad.

You both cheated, you just happened to move on quicker from your previous marriage.

My ex h cheated on me with several women. When I left one of those women moved in only 3 days upon me leaving. They are married today(19 years later) and she can not figure out why he cheats on her. Karma in a way I suppose. She knew he was married to me and we were in MC at the time. She fought tooth and nail to get him and I guess this woman was fighting with her best friend over my ex h. I was so happy to get out of that marriage.

I couldn't even date until my divorce was final. I am faithful until the end no matter what the situation is. Luckily I met a very decent man and we have shared the last 12 years or so together and we are very happy. Not once have I had to worry about him cheating on me. I trust him 100%.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

What exactly is it about her past that disturbs you?

How old was the GF vs your ex wife?

How attractive is the GF vs the ex wife?

Are there kids involved in either case?

Are you culturally an American? 

What are your religious beliefs?

What has been the effect on your business as a result of this?


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## SCT (Oct 2, 2012)

JCD said:


> What exactly is it about her past that disturbs you?
> That she had sex with another man before me. The biggest problem arise, when we having sex, and suddenly I see the picture, how she have done the same with another guy. That makes everything dark. I understand, that I can't change the past, but I don't know how to think to feel better about it.
> 
> How old was the GF vs your ex wife?
> ...


P.S.: I've never cheated on my wife. Me and that GF just had few lunch together, than I told her, that everything in surrounding (business, friendships) will go to hell, but we both agreed to try. And than I told my wife, that I'd like to divorce. Only when my wife moved out, I had sex with that gf for the first time.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

What triggered you into thinking that the GF, supposedly an unknown quantity would be a better 'fit' for you then your wife?

How close a relationship did you have with the other man before you broke things off with him?

How long were you in business with him?

Have you asked the GF how many men she's been with in total?

Why hadn't she married the other man?


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

SCT said:


> You shouldn't help, if you feel, that it's useless.
> What I want from her?
> I want to be happy with her. Marry, have children and live good life.
> Do You think, I'm so stupid, that I buried my business and 10 years with my wife just to have fun?
> ...


Obviously there is a lot that you didn't tell us regarding your history, but I'll tell you what I see. You fell for a fantasy. Of course the GF is going to look a lot better to you than your wife. You know everything about your wife - the good and the bad. Right now, all you know about the GF is the idealized front that she presents to you. Mark my words, you'll realize sooner or later that this GF is not as great as you first thought. Also, I'm guessing that you didn't put a whole lot of effort into fixing any issues with your ex wife and just thought that everything was "hopeless". Did she even know that you were unhappy?

Also, you know that your GF will cheat on her current partner if she finds someone that she "likes" better. You know that about your current GF too.


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## SCT (Oct 2, 2012)

JCD said:


> What triggered you into thinking that the GF, supposedly an unknown quantity would be a better 'fit' for you then your wife?
> 
> How close a relationship did you have with the other man before you broke things off with him?
> 
> ...


I'm a business man, quite successful in my age, and my wife, was wonderful housewife, but she was more like mother, or sister, ir friend for me. There were no passion, because I was running in front all the time, and she was trying to catch up. GF is also business woman, and I saw, that she's very active in life, and I thought, that with her my big goals are easier to reach. And also she understands me better, because she know, what kind of stuff you have to pass everyday in business.
With that guy, I knew him about half a year, before affairs have started, and I met him in that business.
No, I haven't asked, but indirectly, she told, that one more guy before this guy. She told, that the first boyfriend she was deeply in love, and he left her, than she was depressed for 2 year, and than she found the guy I know. 
We had a long talk with her, how come, that it took so long for her to cut old relationship, and she told, that she was afraid to lose what she has (despite, that there was nothing good, and she knew that before meeting me. They were not even talked about marriage, during their 4 years together, because he was thinking, that it's only benefit for woman), and also she was not trusting me enough.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

SCT said:


> I'm a business man, quite successful in my age, and my wife, was wonderful housewife, but* she was more like mother, or sister, ir friend for me. There were no passion, because I was running in front all the time, and she was trying to catch up.* GF is also business woman, and I saw, that she's very active in life, and I thought, that with her my big goals are easier to reach. And also she understands me better, because she know, what kind of stuff you have to pass everyday in business.
> With that guy, I knew him about half a year, before affairs have started, and I met him in that business.
> No, I haven't asked, but indirectly, she told, that one more guy before this guy. She told, that the first boyfriend she was deeply in love, and he left her, than she was depressed for 2 year, and than she found the guy I know.
> We had a long talk with her, how come, that it took so long for her to cut old relationship, and she told, that she was afraid to lose what she has (despite, that there was nothing good, and she knew that before meeting me. They were not even talked about marriage, during their 4 years together, because he was thinking, that it's only benefit for woman), and also she was not trusting me enough.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Are you saying you only want to marry virgins?


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

I'm going to go out on a limb and say you have a lot of underlying guilt for leaving your wife and you are trying to supress it. Try as you might it's going to come out somewhere. Because you are not accepting it for what it is, it is coming out in different ways.

Do you feel any remorse for the pain you put your wife through? Is this new life you plan to build worth it? or are you just realizing that this fantasy you built is smoke and the new GF will likely leave you once she is bored with you or has milked you for whatever she is after.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

SCT said:


> I want to be happy with her. Marry, have children and live good life.
> 
> I just saw, that new gf has more potential and fits better in my vision of life, that ex wife.


I see two things. 

First, you have an unrealistic view of what relationships are and what females are. You view females as something owed to you, as in a possession that 'fits' you, like a new car. 

Second, you have a male-dominated view that you can have fun with the 'bad' girls but you want the 'good' girl to be the one who makes you feel proud. Look at me, I got me a virgin. I am her god, she'll never be able to compare me to someone else, she'll worship me (as she should), and I can live my life at the head of my table with my wife and kids honoring me (as they should).

Understandable. But unrealistic today. Maybe 100 years ago.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

My DD22 dated just such a guy last year. She's still a virgin and she met him online (lived in the same town). Things were fine, until we started to realize that he was controlling, old-fashioned, and kept telling her how she should 'be' - wear this, say that, etc. Then, when he found out that she 'almost' went all the way with a former boyfriend (5 years earlier!), he kicked her out of his apartment for being, well, a harlot.

See, he had this fantasy view of himself being a saint and deserving a virgin, who would adore him. Turns out he was just another insecure mentally abusive jerk.


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

P.S.: I've never cheated on my wife. Me and that GF just had few lunch together, than I told her, that everything in surrounding (business, friendships) will go to hell, but we both agreed to try. 

*I am sorry but I call BS. It would take more than a few lunchs together for you to establish a relationship where you would take a chance on a new lady and leave your wife. I am sure that you guys talked on the phone, texted or emailed alot. Am I right? *


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## SCT (Oct 2, 2012)

underwater2010 said:


> P.S.: I've never cheated on my wife. Me and that GF just had few lunch together, than I told her, that everything in surrounding (business, friendships) will go to hell, but we both agreed to try.
> 
> *I am sorry but I call BS. It would take more than a few lunchs together for you to establish a relationship where you would take a chance on a new lady and leave your wife. I am sure that you guys talked on the phone, texted or emailed alot. Am I right? *


That's true.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You cheated. You're in an affairage now. Life sucks because you continue to make unethical, immoral choices. You reap what you sow. 

Ready to try something new?


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

I think you are lying to me and I don't see any remorse. You want your emotional stroking and a way to assuage the guilt enough so you can enjoy the sex.

So no, I'm not going to help you.


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## SCT (Oct 2, 2012)

JCD said:


> I think you are lying to me and I don't see any remorse. You want your emotional stroking and a way to assuage the guilt enough so you can enjoy the sex.
> 
> So no, I'm not going to help you.


I don't really get what you mean?
What you think I'm lying to you? 
I'm really honest to you, because I really want to solve it. 
Please, tell, what do you think, I have lied, and I will reply.


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

SCT said:


> That's true.


You CANNOT say that you did not cheat. You had what is called an Emotional Affair. Your head has been in the clouds with she truly loves me, she has the same goals, she thinks I am hot and I must be a stud if she is leaving her boyfriend for me. Now reality has set in. You left a woman that took care of the home so you could run your businesses. You invested time with the OW that should have been invested in your wife. The icing on the cake is that it took extra time for the new woman to leave her boyfriend. (You know you think about that) 

Here is a few facts about new relationships...yes you get butterflys and mind blowing sex. But every relationship gets past that. What are you going to do then? How about when she gets bored with you?

There is no one on here that can help you. You made you bed and now you get to lie in it. Or get your butt up and smell the coffee. You relationship has two very selfish and lying people in it. It will not last. SORRY!!!!


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

underwater2010 said:


> You CANNOT say that you did not cheat. You had what is called an Emotional Affair. Your head has been in the clouds with she truly loves me, she has the same goals, she thinks I am hot and I must be a stud if she is leaving her boyfriend for me. Now reality has set in. You left a woman that took care of the home so you could run your businesses. You invested time with the OW that should have been invested in your wife. The icing on the cake is that it took extra time for the new woman to leave her boyfriend. (You know you think about that)
> 
> Here is a few facts about new relationships...yes you get butterflys and mind blowing sex. But every relationship gets past that. What are you going to do then? How about when she gets bored with you?
> 
> There is no one on here that can help you. You made you bed and now you get to lie in it. Or get your butt up and smell the coffee. You relationship has two very selfish and lying people in it. It will not last. SORRY!!!!


I agree with this and the OP is still in a fantasy that is not grounded in the cold, hard facts. I posted a picture of Icarus in this thread when the OP responded that he was out running far ahead of her and she was always trying to catch up. In reality, she was probably in reality giving him the space and support he needed to get his business off the ground. Pretty sad that he thinks his wife was simply not good enough for him.

Newsflash OP: Your GF is not only not a virgin, but she probably has had more sex partners than she told you. I'll bet she knows your strong desire for virgins and she tried to make herself "as much of a virgin" as she could without pushing you away. You need help, but not the help you think you need. You need to fix the defect inside of you that caused you to throw your wife away for what will likely be a short term relationship.


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## mrstj4sho88 (Sep 5, 2012)

aug said:


> In reality, both are hoes. So, you also cant turn a hoe into a husband.
> 
> My suggestion:
> - step back and reevaluate your situation and your morals and boundaries


true and :iagree:


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## mrstj4sho88 (Sep 5, 2012)

SCT said:


> Yes, my wife was a virgin, and that was important for me.
> I don't think, that it is possible to "arrange" virginity for new gf, of course. My question was, how I should start to think, and how to overcome all bad feelings, if I want to continue with her.



. *You had a virgin and gave her up for what* :scratchhead:.


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