# introduction 59 year old male



## krockette (2 mo ago)

*Introduction*

We've been married almost 14 years. I'm 59 and she is 39.

I had two brothers and several uncles who had wives leave them after saying "I'm not happy". I never wanted that to happen to me. Although raised Catholic I consider myself agnostic now. My parents were married until they passed. They had a traditional marriage- dad worked and mom stayed at home until I (the youngest of 5) entered high school. Dad was military (27 years Air Force) and taught me honor, respect, and duty. Both parents truly held sacred the sanctity of marriage. 

I didn't have many relationships. I found most women in the USA didn't value marriage, which was reinforced by the rate of divorce here. The TV show "Friends" seemed to typify the lack of respect for relationships I witnessed in the USA. It horrified and disgusted me that it was so popular and normalizing the behavior to so many. I was very careful and had never married. I surmised I would only try it once.

We met when I was traveling regularly to the Philippines for work. We feel in love. The rate of divorce for Filipinos is much lower than Americans which was a plus. She assured me that the age difference didn't matter. Through a fiancé visa she came to the USA, we married, and she got her citizenship a few years later. I have a good job and she stayed at home for years. At first she liked the idea but 4 years ago she decided she'd like to get a job. She did seem much happier when she was able to get out of the house and meet new people. I kept paying the bills and mortgage and let her keep her salary. During her stay at home days she rarely left the house. She still rarely leaves except to go to work. Early on she got her drivers license and I gave her my car. She has no hobbies and to this day she has made very few friends. She only cooks about once a month. I cook and when she gets home from her 3 PM to 12 shift she eats what I cooked.

I feel like I've always supported her. I've encouraged her attempt at engaging in hobbies and to spend more time with her friends. Financially the deal was I would completely pay everything and she would help out after I retire. I've actually sent thousands and thousands to her family before she came to America and continued to do so for years after. She makes almost double the national average income. She does pay for a bi-weekly cleaning service.

We eventually brought her mother over from the Philippines. She has always had a bad relationship with her mother but wanted to rescue her from her situation. I have diagnosed her with "empathy deficit disorder". She would leave my wife for hours at school waiting to be picked up- although she had no responsibilities preventing her from being timely. She kept her and her brother in the house at all times to keep her from harm. She wasn't allowed to play with her toys so that she would not break them. The mothers husband left her after my wife's brother was born. There is no divorce in the Philippines but that didn't prevent him from starting a new family in a remote province. At that point she shut down. She stayed in her bedroom which she shared with her two children. She spent massive amounts of time in the bathroom doing who knows what.

When we brought her mother over things were bad. She spent hours in the bathroom, the rest of the day in the bedroom, and didn't contribute to the very minimal chores we gave her. We own our ranch home and have all the responsibility for upkeep and maintenance. Labor is fairly inexpensive in the Philippines so they usually pay others to maintain the house. She got and lost several jobs here because she's always late. My wife was extremely frustrated so we finally asked my mother-in-law to leave. She shacked up with an out-of-state internet 'close' friend. He kicked her out and since then she's been kicked out of 4 more places. She is an extremely jealous person and has lost SOs for acting out on her unfounded jealousy. And yet I witness her having multiple close male friends at a time. I'm never sure who she's bringing to dinner and often call them the wrong name.

*Us*: we have no children. We have 3 dogs who I consider mine. She complains that the dogs like me more. Everyone says my wife is a very sweet person.

*Me*. I've always considered myself a happy person. I used to have a huge network of close friends. Most of the closest were women so due to her jealously that closeness has waned. I delight in making strangers smile. I work from home as a computer professional. I've had the same job for 37 years. Before that I taught computer to K-8 in a Catholic school. I love to cook, garden, camping, music, and computers (I am not a gamer but I love learning new things and have 10+ computers). I consider my appearance to be average stout at 200 pounds.

I don't just cook to eat - I cook to celebrate. I have everything to entertain 8 people. I like to research recipes and prepare new things. I'm the guy that makes the holiday meals for everyone and I loved to do dinner parties for friends. My wife doesn't really like to host so dinner parties mostly ended after marriage.

I used to go out often to see music and would attend music festivals where I would camp in my tent. My wife didn't enjoy this and I rarely do it anymore. I setup an entertainment room in my basement complete with microphones, audio equipment, and 2 cameras. Although I am not a musician and don't play an instrument or sing, I would have friends come Introduction

My doctor loves my gardening. The exercise has helped me lose 2 pounds every 3 months for years now and I've dropped 30+ pounds. I have an extensive veggy garden, tulip plot, pollinator friendly plot, and just last summer finished digging and installing a small pond. I've converted almost all of my trees, bushes, and flowers to native varieties.

*Recently*. We didn't fight or argue. She would be irritable often for things like me being in the kitchen wile she was preparing for work. Then she would apologize profusely saying "I don't know why that happens". She blamed it on stress from her family. We had talked about therapy especially to address her relationship with her family. I offered to go with her if it would help. She said she would do it.

Everything seemed fine to me before her recent month long vacation to the Philippines. Although right before her trip I did notice long conversations with a someone I'm convinced was not her brother and was a guy. She told me long ago about a best friend from childhood that she keeps in touch with. At first he was married but then divorced. Due to the conversation being in a language I don't know I could never be certain of things and I sadly never asked. When she left for vacation she went dark with no communication for a couple of weeks. She usually texts or emails often when she's away. Her excuses were always lame and the communications I did get became so short they bordered on rude. I even had to finally ask on the day before her trip for her itinerary so I'd know when to pick her up. She initiated a 1/2 hearted hug when I picked her up and slept in the spare room that night.

The next day, knowing that something was wrong I asked "do you love me and still want to be with me". Her response was "Why do you ask me that?". The next day she told me she had a great time on her trip - the food, the warm weather, her friends, the country. But it all reminded her of how unhappy he is and the answer to my question is 'no', She wants to separate. Her reasons for our incompatibility was our different interests and schedules. She plans to get her own apartment near her job. She is currently staying in the spare bedroom.

I'm still confused about her reasons for wanting to separate. My blame for her unhappiness seem lame. I'm not sure I'll ever know for sure the real reasons.

I've asked several times if she still wants to separate or would like to try to work things out. The answer has been a nod. I've been doing this purposely to give things one last chance as it were. Yesterday she viewed a possible apartment. I think I've accepted as best I can that it's truly over.

*Now*. I've already separated all the bills, phones, and car insurance. It seems to make sense to do 2022 taxes as usual and change our W-4 dependents in January. We're planning on doing the divorce ourselves. Since I supported her this entire time she seems to be OK with taking the awesome car and leaving me the house and my old clunker van.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Oh brother!


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

OK....

Please follow through on the divorce.

Her mother permanently wounded her.

You can bet she had a physical affair with her old boyfriend when she went back home. 

Enjoy the good memories that you and her had together and start new ones, once divorced.


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

20 year age gap and it lasted 14 years. Statistically, you did well to make it this long. In my field of work, I've known quite a number of older men who brought back much younger women from the Philipines and none of these pairings made it anywhere close to 14 years. Most of the women just wanted a pathway out of the Philipines.


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## krockette (2 mo ago)

Tested_by_stress said:


> 20 year age gap and it lasted 14 years. Statistically, you did well to make it this long. In my field of work, I've known quite a number of older men who brought back much younger women from the Philipines and none of these pairings made it anywhere close to 14 years. Most of the women just wanted a pathway out of the Philipines.


Thanks. I have witnessed the same thing. But I'm going to keep believing we did truly love each other once upon a time.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

20 years different …. Foreign bride

I’ve worked overseas for about 18 years now. I could tell you so many stories just like yours….countless. It’s a complete face palm every time I hear “I thought she loved me.” 
Desperate people do desperate things and believing these girls really love you the way you think is crazy. What she loved is the opportunity…. Not you. Men that do this get laughed at behind their back everywhere they go.


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## Indian_Nerd_Dad (Dec 23, 2021)

Sorry to hear about your situation. 

Usually, asian women are a bit more family oriented -- but that is in their society (I guess due to social pressures). Possibly there could be some lingering issues of not having children -- this is something that the asian culture values a lot. Of course, in your current situation, not having children is working in your favor, otherwise the divorce will be messier. At the end of the day, many (not all obviously) women end up using their "feelings" rather than their logic to make some of life's big decisions. So you cannot really blame yourself or think too much about it. Yes, it sure hurts, and it will take a while (a couple of years) for the healing to happen, but you still have a few years left in you and you can enjoy those years. The only way to move forward is to focus on the positives. 

I think your arrangement for divorce sounds good. You get to keep your house which is a big positive. The fancy car is just a f'ing car. You are actually getting a good deal here and so move quickly before she changes her mind. 

This is just to give you some context (not to interject my story into yours) -- I walked away from a 20-year marriage (together we clocked in about $225k a year) to an Ukrainian single-mom, with nothing but stuff that fit in my Honda accord (mostly just my clothes) and I am starting over from scratch on my bank account and I am still paying $25k for my daughter's college tuition. So your divorce situation sounds pretty good to me as you get to keep your house (I lost my $600k house)


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I think it's a strange mentality of these guys that can't get chicks in their own area that think that there is some magical mystical far off land where these angels will worship them and come back to america and be these perfect little domestic angels. 

If you can't get a decent chick in your own backyard, you're not going to be able to travel across the globe and get a better one. 

These are little more than live-in prostitutes that are looking to move out of their shack and into a solid structure with indoor plumbing. And then bring their nasty ol' Mommasahn over with them. 

When these gals see the americans in name brand clothes and flashing their greenbacks at the bar in their homeland, they think he is rich and a good catch as compared to the impoverished men in their homeland and they see their ticket out. 

But then when they get back to America and see that these guys are the nerds and simps and guys who can't get chicks in their own hometowns, they quickly lose respect and esteem as well. They bring Mommasahn back with them until they can both fatten up and squirrel away whatever greenbacks they can and maybe get a job at the local massage parlor with the hidden back room to save up a few more dollars and then they disappear like a fart in the wind and who knows where they end up. 

I agree with the others, if you lived in relative peace for 14 years, you hit one out of the ballpark so I'll give you that. Be thankful for the time you did have, then get a good attorney that has experience with international divorce to keep as much of your assets as you can and get her out of your life and away from you as quick as you can before the Philipine mafia gets involved. 

Thank the Good Lord Above you did not have children with her! 

Then moving forward, learn how to interact and relate to American women in your own area that at least are from your own cultural and socio economic background.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I’m sorry you find yourself in this situation but unfortunately it was fairly predictable. Certainly you can believe it was a love match but it’s much more likely that you got played as so many do who bring home foreign brides — especially from the Philippines — that they think are in love with them. But that’s very rarely the case. What she most likely loved was the idea of getting out of there and having a better life elsewhere. Now she’s bored and wants something else — or someone else — and you’re left wondering what went wrong. If you decide to replace her try another country besides the Philippines.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Openminded said:


> If you decide to replace her try another country besides the Philippines.


Like the United States. 

If you work on yourself, hit the gym, dress better, groom and style yourself, work on your social and interpersonal skills, get out of the house and do some fun and interesting things and learn to connect on an interpersonal basis then you can get an American chick. 

This whole thing about needing a foriegn woman so there is someone at home to vacuum and do dishes and laundry is a bunch of bahooey. 

If you get an American chick that has a halfway decent job, then between the two incomes you can hire a housekeeper.


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## Tiddytok5 (8 mo ago)

Openminded said:


> I’m sorry you find yourself in this situation but unfortunately it was fairly predictable. Certainly you can believe it was a love match but it’s much more likely that you got played as so many do who bring home foreign brides — especially from the Philippines — that they think are in love with them. But that’s very rarely the case. What she most likely loved was the idea of getting out of there and having a better life elsewhere. Now she’s bored and wants something else — or someone else — and you’re left wondering what went wrong. If you decide to replace her try another country besides the Philippines.




People are like this everywhere.

Same country, different country...it doesn't matter.



Op may have ignored or accepted the red flags beforehand...just to have someone to be the "antidote" for voids and loneliness.


A relationship that has plenty of red flags beforehand, is doomed for failure.


I hope op works on developing self esteem, self respect, and self love. 

I hope op works on developing his life outside of relationships. I hope op takes the time to develop and experience comfort in being single..Hope he grows and heal as much as possible before jumping into another relationship. 



Everyone who has a relationship, takes a chance on another person .

This can happen in any relationship with anyone..

Often it does. 



Sometimes it works out .... sometimes it doesn't.


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