# Sex is uncomfortable...



## Tentative (Oct 5, 2014)

I hope I don't offend anyone by being indelicate: if I do, I apologize. 

My partner and I have always had an amazing sexual relationship. Even though he is a bigger guy I find him very attractive. I've gained and lost weight at points during the last 5 years and it hasn't made a difference in how he's treated me or how much he is attracted to me so I feel hypocritical for even posting this, but he's reached a weight where sex is uncomfortable for me. 

This isn't an attraction/desire/sex drive issue, just mechanics. I can't just tell him the reason I don't want to have sex is because my knees don't touch the bed anymore - he's a very sensitive individual and takes things to heart - I know if I tell him outright that there is a problem he will immediately feel that he is "underperforming" or that I don't find him attractive anymore.

On the other hand there are only so many times I can ask him to go for a walk with me before I sound like a broken record. He has sciatica and has been dealing with a flair-up for a few months so his options for exercise are limited and he is in pain much of the time - its a catch 22 because being more active will (long-term) help with the sciatica, but the more active he is the more pain he's in right now. 

I've reached a point where I'm at a loss as to how to help with out picking a fight or causing an emotional wound. Is there anyone out there who can commiserate? who's had a similar issue? or has any experience addressing issues like this?


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## batsociety (Jan 23, 2015)

I haven't had a similar issue but I think the best thing you can do is just tell him you're worried about his health. Don't mention the sex at all (men are delicate creatures when it comes to that kind of thing). After all, his weight is going to be a much bigger issue than the pain in the long run. You should talk him into seeing his doctor about starting an exercise routine that won't cause too much pain with his condition. He could probably score some pretty sweet painkillers, too. 

Maybe he'll feel a little hurt, but if he's a reasonable guy he should understand your concern.


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## Lloyd Dobler (Apr 24, 2014)

Tentative said:


> I hope I don't offend anyone by being indelicate: if I do, I apologize.
> 
> My partner and I have always had an amazing sexual relationship. Even though he is a bigger guy I find him very attractive. I've gained and lost weight at points during the last 5 years and it hasn't made a difference in how he's treated me or how much he is attracted to me so I feel hypocritical for even posting this, but he's reached a weight where sex is uncomfortable for me.
> 
> ...


I can't speak for your husband, but I've had back issues for years and what really helps me is walking. Something about walking helps re-set the muscles in my back and helps reduce pain. I've even had instances where I've had muscle spasms that have gone away as I walked. The thing is - you have to kind of walk through the pain to make it better. If you don't try, it won't work and I think that's where your husband is.

I don't have any great ideas about how to get your husband exercising more if his physical condition is being used as an excuse, but I think that's the direction you have to lead him.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Address the back pain vociferously. Send him back to the ortho, back to PT, get the spinal injections, and the rest will take care of itself.

It's tough when the man has back issues because sex is really affected when he can't put his all into it.

Im trying to visualize what position...you on top? Try squatting over him instead of sitting on his lap. You could also reverse cow girl and face his feet with you on top. 

You could raise the height of the bed and he stands at the edge while you lay on the bed with your hips right on the edge. If you can get the height right, this might even help his back.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

He's always been a bigger guy and it hasn't been a problem until recently. How much weight has he gained (recently)? How much weight are we talking about? Also, what's his height?


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

trying to gauge the magnitude of the problem and how much he needs to lose. 10lbs, 25, 50?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Might help if you are just totally honest and tell him it's affecting your libido/attraction/desire.


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## BurningHeart (Dec 30, 2012)

Walking is the best possible exercise for back pain, but the key is to go slow and steady and not speed walk. The distance you travel is dependent on how much pain. I have degenerative disc disease & spinal stenosis, which is rapid disc wearing away & a narrow spinal canal. I've had 3 surgeries, 2 with fusions, because my spine was crumbling, I've never been overweight, it's a birth thing.
There are also a mirade of stretches he can do to help with things, like BadSanta has shown. If he wants to feel better, he can, but without effort, he won't. Steroid pills & shots are only temporary & only work 50% of the time. My neurosurgeon preached walking. After surgery, you're up the next morning walking and it hurts badly, the pain pills are only given to help you get through what you need to do. I was told to increase my distance every single day and was told I could never walk to much. I've grown to love walking.

I've always felt, concerning weight, it's not about how much you gain that makes you unattractive, it's why and how? Spouses that live on junk food, no exercise & let themselves go is the unattractive part. You should want to look and feel good for yourself and your spouse.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

badsanta said:


> I have had one horrible bout of sciatica that I think was from climbing over seats at a football stadium where I lost my footing while my other leg was still stuck in a row behind me. OMG it was horrible, and I agree with you on the catch 22.
> 
> The one thing you should be doing is helping him stretch as much as possible. Yes, stretching will hurt, but it is the one thing that will begin to make things manageable. There are also a number of lower back stretches that lend themselves to sexual activity. Look at the chart below, and think of yourself as a rough but healing mistress for him!


Did you get this from the book edited by Bill Pearl called "Getting Stronger"? I have that book and this exact same stretching routine is in it. Also, a more comprehensive one too.


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