# New member who's frustrated with non-existent sex life



## rvw968 (4 mo ago)

Hello all!!

I'm new to this forum. I come to you because for the past two months my sex life has been completely non-existent. What I mean is there has been ZERO effort from my wife and she seems to have little to no interest in sex. My advances are ignored, and honestly, it's really bumming me out. Anyway, hello!! Looking forward to any advice I can get here.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Age, other description of relationship, kids age, work loads, hormone checks from dr?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Is that a new baby I see there in your avatar? If so you may just have answered your own question.


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## rvw968 (4 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Is that a new baby I see there in your avatar? If so you may just have answered your own question.


That is a very old picture pulled from Google. That baby is 17yrs old now.


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## rvw968 (4 mo ago)

Evinrude58 said:


> Age, other description of relationship, kids age, workloads, hormone checks from dr?


42(m) and 48(f). We have a great relationship in the sense that if we were just best friends, we'd be the best of friends. We currently have 2 of our 5 children at home, a 9yr old daughter and a 17yr old daughter. She works a lot, usually in the ballpark of 10-to-11-hour days, and I put in my 9 to 5. However, both of us work from home and have worked from home for the past 10 years. We have not had any hormone checks, but I will suggest it.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Sorry you are here, but at least you aren't coming here after being sexless for years. 2 months may still have a chance. Lots of questions though.

Has this been a sudden change or a decline over time with the last 2 months being at 0? 
Have you talked to her about it yet? 
How's the rest of your marriage?
Is she showing signs of being stressed and over worked?
Do you share equally as possible in caring for the kids and the household?
When you initiate, do you ask for sex, or take actions to her her turned on?


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Most likely, you won’t resolve it without drastic action (being willing to leave the marriage). If you find a cure, you’ll be a very wealthy man and then you can have sex with just about anyone you’d like.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Sounds like you're together too much with you both working at home. For a lot of people that can mess things up. It kind of breeds over familiarity. No time to miss each other. Cabin fever. It's good that you still get along with that many hours together though. A lot of people would be at each other's throats.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Does she offer any reasons? Not that there could are enough viable reasons to completely cancel out your sex life. 

I kind of wonder when I read these stories, doesn't that husband/wife ever miss intimacy? If not, why? It's just kind of bizarre if everything is going great in a marriage, that sex would be non-existent.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

*Deidre* said:


> Does she offer any reasons? Not that there could are enough viable reasons to completely cancel out your sex life.
> 
> I kind of wonder when I read these stories, doesn't that husband/wife ever miss intimacy? If not, why? It's just kind of bizarre if everything is going great in a marriage, that sex would be non-existent.


My sense is that things WEREN'T going great it's just that the OP thought they were. A woman doesn't just flipped the switch for no reason.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Numb26 said:


> My sense is that things WEREN'T going great it's just that the OP thought they were. A woman doesn't just flipped the switch for no reason.


Hmm, maybe. And that's true. I wouldn't be in the mood for sex if my husband and I weren't getting along though, but it just seems odd that the OP describes his wife and him as ''best friends'' so to not want to be intimate, is odd to me. But maybe that's it, she loves him and sees him as a good husband and friend, but the chemistry isn't there anymore.

If there is a switch flip, usually it's because someone else is involved. Not necessarily an affair, but another guy is in the background, somewhere. Not entirely sure if one day, OP's wife was done or if this was a gradual decline.

We need more info, OP! 😅


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## Reluctant Texan (5 mo ago)

Honestly I'm curious as well, b/c I've heard some of these excuses in prior relationships (e.g. "I just don't feel connected to you") that kinda come out of left field to me, and I wonder what they mean, if they're legit, and whether there's really hope for a normal relationship when one hears them.

My gut is the answer is "No." one partner (in hetero relationships, seems to be the female) decides that she's going to use it as a bargaining chip, for various reasons, and once that happens it's not really a relationship anymore, it's a financial arrangement.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

*Deidre* said:


> If there is a switch flip, usually it's because someone else is involved


Yep, that would be my suspicion if it really is a sudden change.

OP, don't make the mistake of accusing or confronting on suspicion.

Ears & eyes open, mouth shut should be your mantra.

Ask her about your relationship and then simply listen. Don't engage in arguing about it, just listen... the answer will be there.

Any statements about needing space, more free time etc... you'll know what is going.....


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

When would she meet anyone? They're together constantly. Maybe online.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

*Deidre* said:


> If there is a switch flip, usually it's because someone else is involved. Not necessarily an affair, but another guy is in the background, somewhere.
> 
> We need more info, OP! 😅


Yes and yes.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

rvw968 said:


> My advances are ignored, and honestly, it's really bumming me out.


Can you elaborate? And say six months ago how were things? What changed about 2 months ago? 


rvw968 said:


> She works a lot, usually in the ballpark of 10-to-11-hour days,


Those are some long working hours. How many total in a week? Who does the cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Sounds like you're together too much with you both working at home.


Bullseye.


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## Corgi Mum (10 mo ago)

I just read that your wife is 48. Thinking this might be a symptom of menopause or peri-menopause? In which case a dr consultation might be in order as hormone therapy is a possibility (depending on family history, cancer risk, etc).


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## DamianDamian (Aug 14, 2019)

Is that baby in your pic still a baby? I'm in the same spot, but I think it's down to hormonal changes due to breastfeeding. The baby sleeps in our bed which makes it hard and she seems to think we still have good, frequent sex - but we don't. I keep telling her and she seems to give me duty sex sometimes, but my advances even when she accepts are still met in a way that makes me know she is less than enthused.


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## Helping married men (4 mo ago)

Since you both work from home, I'd suggest that you start doing small things daily that she appreciates. If you know her love language, focus on filling her up in that way daily with small actions. Doesn't have to be grande gestures as long as it's consistent. Also think back when you were really in love with each other and had a lot of intimacy. What you did back then that made her feel loved, cared for and wanted? For many women emotional connection comes before sex and meeting her need consistently builds up that connection.
You could also start something like going for a 15-30 minute walk together in the early afternoon daily or few times a week.


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