# A husband's perspective



## Cherry85 (Oct 13, 2015)

Not sure this is allowed in this forum, but I am in need of a husband's perspective. I am struggling to communicate effectively with mine.

My biggest issue is that my husband doesn't take much of what I say seriously. We have a small farm. I grew up on a farm with animals, and he grew up in the city. Any time I make a suggestion about how to handle a particular farm issue, he thinks I'm full of BS. He either says, "that's not right," or "why don't you go google that." 

It doesn't have to be farm related either. In fact, if I told him the sky is blue, he would tell me I'm seeing things. To add to the irritation, if my neighbor were to come over and tell him that the sky is blue, he would believe it in a heartbeat. 

This happens a lot, and when I try to explain to him that it upsets me when he doesn't believe what I say, he tells me I am bickering. 

I know that I am not perfect, or right all of the time, but I do know a few things about a few things, and I would love for my husband to at least consider what I have to say.

How do I get through to him that his actions are really upsetting to me, without, apparently, coming off as a bickering B*?


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Can you give an example and some context?

And when did this begin?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cherry85 (Oct 13, 2015)

I've really started noticing it the past 6-8 months.
An example just came up yesterday. We're having a problem with a predator getting to our chickens, and a fox is a possibility. Actually, he's sure it's a fox issue. I researched fox behavior etc., to figure out some options to protect our flock. Based on what I had read, I told my husband that a fox can chew through chicken wire. His response was "I don't believe that."
Not an hour later we're talking to our neighbor, who also has chickens, and our neighbor says "make sure you don't use chicken wire, a fox will chew right through that." My husband looks shocked and says "ok, yeah I didn't know that."

Today we were talking about mucking manure. He said he mucks the manure. I said, well I scoop it too. And he didn't believe me. Why would I lie about scooping poop? Same with filling the dog water bowls. If I tell him I filled it, he doesn't believe me. He does this condescending "nooo, are you sure?" smile/smirk thing, grabs the bowl, and re-fills the water.

Little things like this happen on the daily. If it were just an occasional thing, I'd let it go, but it's really starting to get to me.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

What happened 6-8 months ago?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cherry85 (Oct 13, 2015)

Nothing significant that I can think of...we've been married for almost 3 years, lived in our current house about the same. He's changed jobs within that time frame but no other major changes to our lifestyle comes to mind that could have triggered this.
I think that had this happened early in our relationship I would have recognized it, but maybe not.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Something happened to trigger this change then. 

Is there something you're missing?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

On the surface, it sounds like he's out of his element and extremely insecure as a result.


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## Cherry85 (Oct 13, 2015)

I honestly can't think of a thing. We have a pretty consistent, routine life and it's been the same (minus his work schedule) since we moved to the farm 3 years ago. What am I missing here?


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

For a behavior shift like this -there is typically a trigger. 

Something -anything-significantly changed...even if it didn't seem that way to you. 

How is your relationship otherwise?

How old are you and your husband?


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## Cherry85 (Oct 13, 2015)

We're in our mid 30s. Usually we're pretty solid, get along great, spend quality time together, etc. But I'm so frustrated recently it's definitely put a strain on us. I'm hyper sensitive to how he treats me and what he says to me, which doesn't help the situation.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

How is his new job going? Same schedule or a new and different one from before? More stress at work now? Has he made any new friends or taken up any new hobbies?


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## Cherry85 (Oct 13, 2015)

His work schedule has sucked since the day I met him. He's worked days/nights, weekdays/weekends, 12-15 hour shifts for 5 years. He says he likes his job, it's stressful, but it's better now than it has been in the past. I have a steady Mon-Fri job, so finding time for vacations, holidays, and just a day off together has always been a challenge.

He typically doesn't handle stress well, and if it's coming from more than one direction, he can't handle it. It's almost like he's PMSing.

He did start playing poker weekly with some of his guy friends recently. He's always enjoyed poker, but it's just become a weekly event within the past 3 months or so.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

He's probably just insecure. You were raised on a farm and he wasn't. He wants to be the leader and feels insecure around you since you know more than he does about farming. I don't know what the answer is. He insecure. Have you tried talking to him about his attitude and how it makes you feel?


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## Cherry85 (Oct 13, 2015)

Yes, I have told him that it upsets me when he doesn't take what I say seriously. I guess I need to try a new approach.
Maybe just keep my mouth shut and let him figure it out himself....or tell him to go ask the neighbor.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Unfortunately some people think that a relationship is a competition.

they want a certain amount of power over the relationship.
they see it as a power balance and everthing should be in their favor.

when they see a threat to that, they react by putting down their partner or dismissing them in order
to regain some of that power.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

If there is no trigger that you can think of, then I suggest you do exactly the same thing with him. Question everything he says, doubt his competence and memory, recheck things he's done, criticize how he did things, and believe the neighbor over him in all things. Tell him he should google whatever as you don't believe him. I think he'll catch on quickly. If not, just be sweet if he complains and say you've been worried about his memory and decision making ability lately.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

I'm with Karole. He wants to be the man and have all the answers. Ignore him 50% and tell him do it himself 50%.

I've lost lots of chickens, too. Lots of stuff gets them. Only thing that works is a wooden coop or welded wire. Tell him to urinate around the pen. Seriously.

(I hope you let them out during the day. Chickens/ducks love to range)


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## Cherry85 (Oct 13, 2015)

They are free range! Lovely eggs!
Thank you all!


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Cherry85 said:


> His work schedule has sucked since the day I met him. He's worked days/nights, weekdays/weekends, 12-15 hour shifts for 5 years. He says he likes his job, it's stressful, but it's better now than it has been in the past. I have a steady Mon-Fri job, so finding time for vacations, holidays, and just a day off together has always been a challenge.
> 
> He typically doesn't handle stress well, and if it's coming from more than one direction, he can't handle it. It's almost like he's PMSing.
> 
> He did start playing poker weekly with some of his guy friends recently. He's always enjoyed poker, but it's just become a weekly event within the past 3 months or so.


Has he been losing money at poker?


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## CatJayBird (Oct 5, 2015)

Cherry85 said:


> I know that I am not perfect, or right all of the time, but I do know a few things about a few things, and I would love for my husband to at least consider what I have to say.


Yes...this...I feel your pain...


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