# Sexual Desire/Arousal - What happened to my drive and was my drive really what I th



## Muse1976 (Apr 25, 2015)

Sexual Desire / arousal - What happened to my drive and was my drive really what I thought it was?

This is the quandary I find myself in. I have noticed a drop in my drive, and in reflecting on that I have tried to ask myself what constitutes my drive. What are the forces involved the make up a persons drive and can you objectively look at things to determine what your drive actually is? I reflect on all the times I have had sex and try to see if the drive to have sex was really there or if it was something else.(boredom,tiredness,etc.) Is a person's drive truly just when they have that tingly feeling in their groin or is it a combination of factors? I would like to hear others opinion and feedback on this

The reason I ask is because *if a true indication of drive* is solely dependent upon that tingly feeling (AKA - Horniness) then my drive has always been pretty low and now it would be very low to almost nonexistent based upon the medical definitions.

It's pretty hard to write this as a man because a lot of men define themselves by their drive. It's also pretty hard because I really don't see much from LD people on this site. I have lurked here for quite a while and their are some pretty insightful people here. Maybe this will help other people to figure out what their drive is as well.

A couple of interesting links.

Stop Beating Yourself Up For Wanting Sex "Not Enough" Or "Too Much" | Vanessa Marin Sex Therapy

What's Your Sex Drive Personality Type? | Vanessa Marin Sex Therapy

What's Your Sex Drive Personality Type? Part Two | Vanessa Marin Sex Therapy


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Hi Muse1976, 

Thanks for posting! I'll encourage you to get involved in other threads as most people here are HD in search of help to understand and improve the drive of an LD partner.

Most LD people likely do not post as I imagine they primarily see their partner's higher drive and focus on the frequency of wanting too much sex to be the problem, and likely accuse them of having a "sex addiction." Therefore (even as you say) it is a little hard for an LD person to post around here. 

Hopefully people around here will be supportive and appreciate you input. Otherwise HD people trying to solve problems for other HD people is a bit like the blind leading the blind, and in my opinion a BIG part of what makes this forum quite entertaining! 

Please get involved!

Cheers,
Badsanta


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

I'm a woman, but this is something I've been thinking about lately, too. I feel like I have an almost non-existent drive right now, the lowest ever. But, I'm going through a second split with my STBX, he's treating me like crap, and I have zero desire for him sexually. There's also nobody else I'm interested in or attracted to. So, for me, that has a lot to do with it. My frequency I find myself needing to, um, take care of it myself, might be considered quite low at about once every 3 weeks. I'm not sure if that makes me LD, normal...? 

But, to answer your question, for me, I think there has to be someone I'm currently connecting with, attracted to, whatever, in order to feel sexual desire. It's not something completely independent of someone else in the equation, at least not for me. I definitely want to want that though.


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## Muse1976 (Apr 25, 2015)

badsanta said:


> Hi Muse1976,
> 
> Thanks for posting! I'll encourage you to get involved in other threads as most people here are HD in search of help to understand and improve the drive of an LD partner.
> 
> ...


Thanks Santa. lol

The really sad thing is that I really used to consider myself HD. I can certainly understand the sentiment as I too "wandered the sexual desert" in my relationship for 10 years. Its pretty disheartening. I would be glad to help anyone I thought I could. The reason I posted was because I'm really trying to find myself, and if I could help someone in the process, that would be great.





SecondTime'Round said:


> I'm a woman, but this is something I've been thinking about lately, too. I feel like I have an almost non-existent drive right now, the lowest ever. But, I'm going through a second split with my STBX, he's treating me like crap, and I have zero desire for him sexually. There's also nobody else I'm interested in or attracted to. So, for me, that has a lot to do with it. My frequency I find myself needing to, um, take care of it myself, might be considered quite low at about once every 3 weeks. I'm not sure if that makes me LD, normal...?
> 
> But, to answer your question, for me, I think there has to be someone I'm currently connecting with, attracted to, whatever, in order to feel sexual desire. It's not something completely independent of someone else in the equation, at least not for me. I definitely want to want that though.


2nd,

Thanks. I am also in the same situation as this is the lowest desire I have ever been. I can understand your point with the relationship issues. I really feel for your situation. I also really have no need to take care of it myself. I just don't have that urge. While we have had problems in the past, I don't feel as though I harbor resentments towards her. I have spoken my mind on those and I feel as though I have worked through them. Even when I did have some resentments, I have never turned her down and still don't. I can only think of one time I have flatly said no. Its just difficult because there is nothing there, desire wise.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Muse, I'm a woman and have always been HD. I only sometimes feel the tingle type horny that you are talking about, and no that is not what I call my drive. Just that horniness or pressure or tingle in and of itself, I would just call the urge to have an orgasm. I may have this urge independently from the urge to have sex or to be sexual with another person.

My drive does have a sort of physical component or feeling, besides the tingly thing. It is more like in my "womb" and in my vulva...I feel an aching or pulling inside of me and my vulva feels a little achy, too.

This feeling is not usually very strong, just a little tug or pull. But the thoughts and emotions that happen are what I feel more of. I know my drive is engaged when I look at my husband and just want to throw myself on his lap. Even if I don't, I have that thought. If I keep thinking thoughts like that, eventually the tug or pull from inside and the vulva and labia getting engorged joins in. Then I really want to mash on him. All of this happens in a nice build up.

If I don't have a partner I do sometimes still feel this pull from inside...I'm sure just cyclically my body is going through the hormone c*cktail and I can feel the changes. Usually it dies down if I don't have a partner but ramps up if I do. It can spark to life quite quickly based on circumstances, though.


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## Muse1976 (Apr 25, 2015)

FW,

Thanks very much for the feedback. It really is surprising how long I have lurked here and never posted (2 years). I am sure there are other people like me. Because I was on the other side of the equation for quite a few years. 

I do know a little about your background based upon your posts. Not trying to be creepy. I know you have your own blog and have studied sexuality quite a bit. and I am thankful for your post for this reason.

The thing that brought me to this point is that the wife actually mentioned that things were not right and that I practically never initiated contact. No, I don't with hold and I am always there for here, but even when you want to its hard to always perform and there are issues at times. Even when a person can become aroused, the lack of desire still creates a barrier to connection.

This all leads to the process of discovering that your drive has dropped and you are trying to find the answers to why that makes you question everything. Simple self analysis and reflection is important, but when all of your research comes back with only clinical definitions, you start to wonder about things. Everything in fact. and for that reason, thanks again.


On a side note, have replied always had to go through a moderation process???


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## Muse1976 (Apr 25, 2015)

Double post. sorry.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Can you describe (other than the horny tingles) what other feelings or emotions you used to feel when you did have your drive fulling in tact?

For instance, did you feel like you wish you could throw your wife down on the bed sometimes?

Did you frequently find thoughts of her naked intruding in your mind?

Things like that. How did you *know* you were feeling your drive?


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## Muse1976 (Apr 25, 2015)

Throw her on the bed? lol. There has been more than once I have (caveman up) and thrown her over my shoulder and taken her to bed.:smthumbup: The thought of her used to always invade my mind. Naked or not. And there used to be a lot more (horny tingles), but I think that naturally decreases with age and as the relationship matures. I could be wrong.

Just the overwhelming need to be close and not always to have sex, but sex was a big part of it. As with all relationships, we have had our ebbs and flows, but it's never been this low. 

I had a panel done last year as part of my check up. I have been thinking about going and having another done to see if something might have changed.


Good questions.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

How long have you noticed the difference in drive? Months, or a year?

What was your panel reading? You don't have to share the number but was it low for your age, that's all I'm asking.

Things I have noticed will interfere with my sex drive by decreasing it:

*Obsessing about anything. This includes pre-occupation with something, or worry or stress about something. 

*Becoming addicted to anything (I don't have much problem here but if I even slightly start becoming addicted to something it changes my sex drive immediately).

*Different parts of my cycle and other hormonal changes and fluctuations. 

Another thing to note:

If I'm in an exclusive sexual relationship, my drive can disappear for that person, but it doesn't disappear in general.

Do any of the above describe you, or have you had any changes in your life that have similar effects?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Muse1976 said:


> FW,
> 
> The thing that brought me to this point is that the wife actually mentioned that things were not right and that I practically never initiated contact. No, I don't with hold and I am always there for here, but even when you want to its hard to always perform and there are issues at times. Even when a person can become aroused, the lack of desire still creates a barrier to connection.
> 
> This all leads to the process of discovering that your drive has dropped and you are trying to find the answers to why that makes you question everything. Simple self analysis and reflection is important, but when all of your research comes back with only clinical definitions, you start to wonder about things. Everything in fact. and for that reason, thanks again.



I am so confused by this.

In the first paragraph, you seem to say that your wife has noticed a drop off in you initiating sex. And you do mean sex right? You're not also referring to physical affection as well right?

You say even when you want to, you can't always perform, are you talking about ED? If not, what are the "issues" to which you allude?

Then you say that even when you can become aroused (meaning sort of erect I guess) your lack of desire creates a barrier to connection. Maybe I'm simple minded but if you are aroused and erect, what is preventing you from having sex and or creating a connection?

In reading the links you posted, would you say you are a sensual/reactive type? Would this indicate that your relationship with your wife is strained causing this drop or would you say the drop is causing the strain?

How old are you? How is your health? When was your last check up? Had your thyroid checked, your Testosterone checked? Don't over look medical reasons as you also seek to identify relationship problems that might be causing your drop in drive or sexual functioning.


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## Muse1976 (Apr 25, 2015)

Faithful Wife said:


> How long have you noticed the difference in drive? Months, or a year?
> 
> Looking back it has been close to a year.
> 
> ...






Anon Pink said:


> I am so confused by this.
> 
> In the first paragraph, you seem to say that your wife has noticed a drop off in you initiating sex. And you do mean sex right? You're not also referring to physical affection as well right?
> 
> ...


Answers in blue. Thank you ladies.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Sounds like just your weight, the smoking and your age to me.

If not for the weight and smoking, your age would be giving you some grief in this department but all three are making it worse.

However, I think this may just be a natural transition that you should learn to work with too....IF you don't want to lose weight or quit smoking.

As for making her O twice....all I can say to that is that if my husband acted that way it would be a big turn off to me.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Sometimes my "drive" to get up and go to work is stronger than others, but my behavior remains the same. Whether I'm excited about it or not, the kids and dogs still get fed. Does it matter where or what your "drive" is? It's your behavior that counts. The bank doesn't care if you are excited about paying your mortgage. The government doesn't care if you are thrilled about paying your taxes. Your kids don't care if you just can't wait to take them to their soccer game or if you're going because they need to go. Your boss doesn't care if you're producing high results because you have some burning natural desire to please him or whether you work because you need to pay bills. Your neighbors don't care how you mentally convince yourself to mow your lawn.
You promised to take care of your wife and sex is part of it. If you care about her, you'll take care of business. If you're having problems, you'll get to a doc or a shrink and you won't rest until you've fixed the problem. In the meantime, you'll still provide what your wife needs and deserves as convincingly as possible. We have to feel emotions but we aren't slaves to them.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Smoking constricts blood vessels. I used to smoke and my H still does. If you're going to smoke you MUST MUST MUST exercise! Get your heart rate up and get that blood pumping through those vessels! 

As FW said, your age plus smoking plus inertia plus weight are all factors in what you are experiencing. Welcome to middle age! Mows the time to start daily habits to maintain as much stamina and vitality as possible.

If you recognize that your non sexual affection toward your wife has diminished, can you be more aware of the need to consciously be affectionate? By consciously being more affectionate, cuddling, holding hands, hugging, you will create a more connected feeling for yourself and your wife.

So to sum up, work out daily, more affection daily. Do this for a few weeks and see if it makes a difference.


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## Muse1976 (Apr 25, 2015)

Faithful Wife said:


> Sounds like just your weight, the smoking and your age to me.
> 
> If not for the weight and smoking, your age would be giving you some grief in this department but all three are making it worse.
> 
> ...


I need to quit smoking and lose weight anyways. The doc will probably chew my @ss for not doing both the next time I see him. As for the making her O twice I will address that in a few.

On a side note: I did have a vasectomy about a year ago. I am however 100% convinced to this had no affect on this based on all of the research I have done. Which is why I did not bring it up.



peacem said:


> I think getting healthy is a very good start to kick starting libido.
> 
> I also think (and you sound a bit like my H),* obsessing over it makes it worse.* I made a huge mistake that if we have some sexual contact every day, libido will follow. All it did was put pressure on him and made him feel inadequate.
> 
> ...


Wow. the bolded parts of your post hit the spot, at least part of it. I guess I hadn't really put two and two together. I appreciate the insight, it gives me things to think about. 

Now for a bit of explanation, about the making her O twice comment I made. I met my wife about a year after I divorced my first wife. I had 1 ONS stand in between. (ONS are so over rated in my books.) I hadn't had a lot of sexual experience. She is my 5th and last partner. All the sex I have had up until I met her was not very fulfilling. Now I would be stupid to sit here and try to say that it was all my partners fault, because I know better. I was just as much to blame as they were. 

Anyways, ( both 22 ) when we got together I made my mind up to make something of my self in this aspect. I started to pay close attention to everything that she did and how she reacted to things. I would always check in afterward to make sure everything was ok and I didn't make her uncomfortable. Now this might come off as insecure or whatever, but I do it from a point of love. I want to make sure she is feeling safe and loved. I think it has payed dividends. There have been points were we had sex 3 times a day before our first child. We have never been everyday, but nearly always 6 times a week. Her drive was just as high if not a hair higher than mine.

9 months after the birth of our first child she found out she was pregnant again. Totally unexpected on both of our parts, but as she pointed out we were having unprotected sex, so it happens. After the birth of our second child she went on birth control. What neither one of us were told was what a horrible drug DEPO truly is. I personally think women should have all of the options at their disposal, but they also need to know the risks. I know different birth control affects all women differently, but this drug caused her to go from high drive to absolutely no drive. I am not joking when I say Mother Theresa had a higher sex drive than my wife while she was on the shot. Yes we had sex, but it wasn't often.

This is where the need for me to make her O twice comes from. I stupidly figured that if I was rocking her world then she would naturally come back for more. :rofl: Not with Depo!

It wasn't until about 5 years in that she came home one day and said that the doctor put her on calcium supplements, because of the side effects. I asked questions about it wanting to know more. It wasn't until I did some research into it that I found women posting in various forums that it devastated their sex drive. It took me another 5 years to convince her to get off of the shot and try a different kind of birth control. Yes, I walked the desert for 10 years, but looking back I also made almost every single one of the mistakes you see play out here in this forum. How I wish I had found TAM 10 years ago. I won't lie I would have kicked myself in the ba11s for the way I acted. 

I know from experience that the fastest and easiest way to make her O is through oral. She loves getting it and I love giving. I can count on one hand the number of times on one hand that she hasn't over the course of almost 20 years. So, that's my go to method. She also demands her PIV. She also O's by PIV so that's an added bonus. She's a lucky girl and I'm lucky to have her. That's the background on giving her 2 O's.

Yes, I am still physically attracted to my wife. She is like a fine wine and has aged very very well. Not only is she physically attractive, but her warm and loving personality makes her my 12. (I don't settle for 10's) Your absolutely right, I need to sit down and have a long discussion with her. Thank you for pointing that out.




unbelievable said:


> Sometimes my "drive" to get up and go to work is stronger than others, but my behavior remains the same. Whether I'm excited about it or not, the kids and dogs still get fed. Does it matter where or what your "drive" is? It's your behavior that counts. The bank doesn't care if you are excited about paying your mortgage. The government doesn't care if you are thrilled about paying your taxes. Your kids don't care if you just can't wait to take them to their soccer game or if you're going because they need to go. Your boss doesn't care if you're producing high results because you have some burning natural desire to please him or whether you work because you need to pay bills. Your neighbors don't care how you mentally convince yourself to mow your lawn.
> You promised to take care of your wife and sex is part of it. If you care about her, you'll take care of business. If you're having problems, you'll get to a doc or a shrink and you won't rest until you've fixed the problem. In the meantime, you'll still provide what your wife needs and deserves as convincingly as possible. We have to feel emotions but we aren't slaves to them.


I agree 1000%. That's why I'm here getting ideas and suggestions. For the record I have only flatly told her no one time that I just was not in the mood. It's my job to be there for her. Thanks for being blunt about it. 



Anon Pink said:


> Smoking constricts blood vessels. I used to smoke and my H still does. If you're going to smoke you MUST MUST MUST exercise! Get your heart rate up and get that blood pumping through those vessels!
> 
> As FW said, your age plus smoking plus inertia plus weight are all factors in what you are experiencing. Welcome to middle age! Mows the time to start daily habits to maintain as much stamina and vitality as possible.
> 
> ...


Thanks for the welcome to middle age. Can I get a mack truck to go with that 2x4? lol. I have always thought its how old you feel, not how old you are. Probably 90% of the time I feel 21 , but that is obviously not the case.

I have been thinking this over all day while at work. I read the replies on my phone. 

So, at this point my plan of attack is.

1. Quit smoking. maybe the wife will quit as well. I need to set an example.

2. Exercise. I have a pretty physical job, but its not the same as exercise by its self.

3. Schedule my yearly check up and have a panel done, maybe even a thyroid test done. I will wait for the panel to come back to see if that might be needed. I will also hit him up for the smoking pill. I know people that have done very well with it.

4. Research the effects of testosterone and try to get an idea of what they need to be and where I'm at. Does anybody have some good links for this?

5. Stop stressing about the ED. The second I start to think about it I'm done for.

6. Make a conscience effort for more non sexual affection. I'm sure the wife wouldn't complain about that.

7. Have a sit down with the with and explain thing to her. I'm sure that would reassure her.

8. Spice things up more. 

That's a start. Sorry for the book. I appreciate all the ideas.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Muse1976 said:


> Yes, I am still physically attracted to my wife. She is like a fine wine and has aged very very well. Not only is she physically attractive, but her warm and loving personality makes her my 12. (I don't settle for 10's) Your absolutely right, I need to sit down and have a long discussion with her. Thank you for pointing that out.


Lemme just say...._SWOON!!_



Your honor, I would like to offer this post as an example of how sexy a man who loves his wife is.


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## Muse1976 (Apr 25, 2015)

Aww, shucks. Keep that up and you will make me blush.


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