# Husband doesn't know if he ever loved me



## Sometimes (Aug 14, 2012)

This is my first post, so thank you any one who reads this and gives feedback. I value concision, but I'm afraid this might be rather long!

I married my husband 8 months ago. We weren't really ready to get married, but we lived together in a new country (moved for his job), were happy and enjoying life, and if I was going to stay in this country, we had to get married. Neither of us has ever put much weight onto the concept of marriage (in fact, I was quite certain I would never get married!), and for both of us, the marriage was "just a piece of paper." This doesn't mean that we aren't (weren't?) committed to each other, but, for us, marriage was mostly a way for us to continue to live with each other.

One sort of odd thing is that my husband has never said that he loves me, except when we said our vows. I have told him a few times, and he has always responded with a hug, or a squeeze of my hand, etc. To be honest, the lack of "I love you" doesn't bother me. I believe that love is an action, not a mystical-magical feeling, and I see love in the way my husband acts towards me. He makes me happy, much happier than I ever have been my entire life. I feel loved when I am with him.

Except, of course, that I'm posting here because he recently told me that he's not sure if he can do this anymore. "This," being our marriage. In fact, he told me that he doesn't know if he loves me.

He is going through a particularly rough time right now. He doesn't like his chosen profession, has been extremely depressed about it, and has finally made the choice to quit his job and look for a new lifestyle. I have been quite supportive during all of this turmoil (which he says he appreciates), but I know that he wasn't happy. Every time we talked about it, though, he said the problem was that he thinks he's a failure, doesn't know what to do with his life, etc.

Then, two nights ago, we were visiting my family and friends in our hometown when this went down, and we had both been drinking and were back in the hotel room after a good friend's wedding. That's when he told me that he couldn't do this anymore.

I was shocked, snapped, and asked him if he wanted a divorce and for me to move back to the States. He said, "I don't know." Later, I laid it out on the line for him, told him that I loved him, that I didn't want to give up on us, that I was willing to try to work things out, but that HE has to decide what he wants. I kept asking him, "What do you want?" (In retrospect, I shouldn't have demanded an answer right then, but I was pissed and "I don't know," drives me nuts.) After a few minutes, he said, "I know this is selfish, and you probably won't want this, but what I think that I want is for you to stay with me for at least the next year where I have to live in X city, and then after that, we probably go our separate ways."

I was incredibly angry, and I told him that was not acceptable to me, and ignored him for a while. We cried and talked some more that night, and then he flew back home without me (I changed my flight), and I drove to a friend's house where I am currently hiding out.

He is now thinking about stuff and keeps telling me he doesn't know what to do. He says that things are great with us, he has been happy, but by committing to me he knows he has to give up something that he knows is real (that is, mystical-magical love, though that's not what he calls it) and that is important to him. He apparently felt this love with his ex (his first girlfriend--he was quite the late bloomer--and the only girl he has ever loved), and he thinks that maybe he could feel it again with someone else, and the longer we are together the more he's not sure he can feel this with me.

So, we are not with each other at the moment and thinking about things. I honestly don't know what to think. Part of me thinks that I should just leave him if he doesn't even love me. The other part of me thinks that I love him, he makes me happy, and I feel like we are a good team. I don't want to let go because I know this has been the happiest I have ever been. But the practical side of me thinks I'm maybe deluding myself. 

Anyway, if anyone has any insight/advice, I would appreciate it. Thanks!


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## Couleur (Apr 4, 2012)

How long do you have before you would have to use your ticket to go back to where he is?

It seems to me that a short separation (2 to 3 weeks) might give you a bit of a breather and give your H (and you) a chance to see what life would really be like on his own. My sense is that this is partly an "anytime mid life crisis" -- in other words, he's not happy at work & stressed & in your relationship, and the only thing he really can control is your relationship -- so in his mind he will blame you for everything. If he were happier, then suddenly you'd be more interesting and attractive to him too.

But it also sounds like you two really fell into a marriage without talking about what you need and expect in a relationship. 

I'm wondering if your H reads, and if he'd be willing to read something like His Needs, Her Needs or the 5 languages of Love with you. It might give you a chance to talk about *why* this relationship isn't working for you. 

In the meantime -- you need to begin the 180 process. It will save your sanity.


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## hotdogs (Aug 9, 2012)

YOu point out that you weren't ready to get married and it was more for a piece of paper than anything. Just the fact that you said this makes me think that you don't exactly love him either. It's possible you have all of a sudden found "love" because you feel rejected. Examine it closely. Do you REALLY love him? I mean, balls to the wall, can't eat can't sleep etc etc? Or is it a friendship that you really enjoy?

My point is, if you enjoy his company then support him in his endeavors as a best friend. When its time to divorce, allow him that but remain great friends until one of you draws your dying breath.


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## Sometimes (Aug 14, 2012)

I do love my husband. The fact that I view marriage as a piece of paper is how I see all marriages, not just my own (hence the never getting married thing). I want to live the rest of my life with him, but I don't need a piece of paper to signify that. On the other hand, my husband is not sure that we will be together "forever" (his word), which I don't think would be as much of a problem for him if we weren't married. But we are.

And he is definitely in the midst of an early mid-life crisis. He is a new PhD in his field, got an awesome job, and he hates it, despises it, and his entire adult identity has been wrapped up in his work. We also don't have any friends in the city we have lived in for the last year; I have other friends in other places, which I visit quite often, but my husband has lost contact with most of his friends and also doesn't get along well with his family (he gets along really well with mine). All of his friends are related to me in some way. I know that this scares him also--it would scare the **** out of me.

I am staying where I am until Sunday because I have an appointment at home on Monday. This means we will be away from each other for a week. Longer would probably be better, I know. But we haven't spoken since last night when he called me because he thought I had left him a message (I hadn't; it was an old voicemail), and I'm trying to let him come to me, keeping myself busy and all that.

I really think he needs therapy, to sort out his depression issues & family issues. I would be willing to go to couples therapy, too, though I'm not sure if that's something he's interested in. He has bad therapy experiences in the past, but I really think he needs to see someone, and I thought this before he dropped the bombshell on me.

I'm feeling a bit better now anyway. Thank you for both for responding.


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## Sometimes (Aug 14, 2012)

So, I spoke with my husband tonight. Basically, he wants to try to see what it's like to take care of himself and then see how he feels about me. I am still going home on Sunday because I have to go to that appointment, and I also have to get some more of my stuff if I'm going to be gone for much longer, but then I will leave again and we are going to try for one month apart. Luckily for me, I work from home, and this is my quiet season, so I can basically go on a month-long vacation using some frequent flier miles. I'm looking forward to that!

I also told him that if he wants to talk to me while we are separated that he can call me. And that I want him in my life as a partner, and if he wasn't willing to be my partner, then I wasn't going to be in his life.

And now I'm going to plan my vacation.


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## ConnieG (Sep 9, 2013)

You said he is having career concerns. He sounds as if he doesn't feel very good about himself now. If you want him back go to him. Don't hide! The longer you are separated the more likely you will not be together. Tell him you love him unconditionally but don't plead. Be calm and not begging! Tell him how you really feel-what qualities he had that attracted you. These can be little things that you noticed. Don't mention anything sexual at this point. 
Dress to the nines when you see him. Put on a new outfit, get a new hairdo-anything that will spark his interest. Men are first attracted to women by how they look. You know him, you know yourself-dress for him. When you see him, smile and treat him with respect and kindness. Let him know that you are there to support him and mean it. 
I would also recommend a book called the Love Dare by Stephen and Alex Kendrick whether you are religious or not. It is a fabulous book about what we do if we truly love someone.

Best wishes for your success!


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