# What Am I Missing?



## MrVanilla (Apr 24, 2012)

So far: 

My LW suggested we do different sex things. This was all new to me. She suggested things she enjoyed previously with someone else. That ‘someone else’ had a desire to do those things and she agreed to do them because she knew how much it excited the person she was with - and the more excited he was about it – that excitement became a benefit to her. 

-I get this.

I’d never been in a conversation about sex like this before. It was very confusing and it took awhile for us to be able to communicate. 

-I understand this now. 

I’d never heard of, or tried, most of the sex things that she suggested because in my first 15 years of being sexually active (16 to 31) when I tried to express sexual feelings it usually ended in rejection and frustration. So I stopped expressing those feelings and taught myself to avoid those situations and stimulus – which is why I had no idea about most of the sex stuff my LW was talking about. 

-I have that figured that out.

Also, in the first 10 years that my LW was sexually active she never experienced any rejection or frustration. She was always allowed to express all of her urges and curiosities and because of this, she experimented.

-Figured this out too.

We were okay together for 18 years without any sex complaints or suggestions and then suddenly she wanted me to be more expressive and adventurous, because she felt sex had become predicable - and therefore boring to her. This change in her probably came from altered hormones and changes in BC. 

-figured that out as well. 


What I have not figured out: 

Why does she think I’m the one that’s ‘stuck’ when she keeps going back over the same thing? Each new-to-me sex thing she describes is as meaningless to me as the last one. I never knew about these or thought about these, and therefore never fostered any desire for them. So more options don't really matter to me. How you dress sex up, how it’s done, or where, or in what position, or with what accessory, or which sailing knot… are all the same to me in that they are all unknown.

She’s just going on about variations under the same general subject heading. So I don’t get that at all. She sounds way more ‘stuck’ than I am, and it has created the following problem:

Since I want her to be happy. I’ll do almost anything for her. So she suggests we try something new. (Let’s use doggy-style as an example). She explains it to me and I’m willing to try it, even though I’ve never thought about it, wished for it, or festered a desire for it. So the prospect of doing it is not exciting to me. It’s just different.

She learned to do doggy from someone that wanted it, thought about and desired it. She derived pleasure from his increased excitement level, but I can’t fake being excited about it. It’s as if she’s asking me to roll play the part of some guy from her past that used to get all excited about doing doggy style. That was them, this is me. I don’t own someone else’s passions or desires. So she’s not going to receive any ‘extra excited benefit’ from me at all. Wouldn’t she be ‘happier’ if I was actually excited about doing whatever? 

This doesn’t make much sense to me. 

The other thing I don’t get: is that none of this is my doing. So why do I feel like I’m the one with ‘issues’ because I never wanted to do something I never knew existed? It feels like this impasse is all my fault because I kept my pants on when I was younger, and she didn’t. 

Now, I know that sounds terribly ridiculous when I say it, so I must be missing something important. Maybe I can’t figure out this missing important thing because again, I have no idea what it is? Could it be… that back when I stopped expressing sexual feelings and began avoiding situations and stimulus… that this is where I left that missing something?

Thanks for reading. 
Serious suggestions will be seriously considered.


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## Lloyd Dobler (Apr 24, 2014)

I think I see where you're coming from on this. Do you not have any fantasies or anything like that which would allow you to become more excited about doing different things in bed (or out) with your wife? C'mon, there's got to be something that makes you hot and bothered, right? If you can identify something, share it with your wife because it sounds like she's looking for you to take a little bit of initiative here.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

first let me say that I understand your predicament because I'm a vanilla guy too. I like (LOVE) just straight sex! I don't get the 'boring thing'. On the other hand, I'm not as sexually experienced as most men, so maybe that's why I appreciate just plain old sex. on the other hand, I have been in rs with a couple pretty wild women.

We see the Hollywood and celebrity world. We hear of all kinds of kinky debauchery, probably because they're bored of regular sex?

having said all that; you my friend are luckier than most!
You're wife wants to have sex and wants to experiment!
(even though she's bored).
you read on this forum the endless stories here about the poor slobs (no disrespect, I was one for three years sexless marriage) who's wives reject them every single day.

so, my advice is embrace it. try to get excited. go with the flow. try to enjoy it even if it's annoying. revel in the fact at least your wife wants sex.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

I guess the only thing I would worry about is if I were in your shoes and I couldn't get excited about experimenting a lot, I might have problems performing. If this is not a problem, then I go with the flow.

BTW my wife is HD and has hinted at moderate experimentation a few times.

I may be in your shoes sooner than later


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

Yes, count your blessings. Having my wife get excited, however she gets there, is always a turn-on for me.


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

Mr. Vanilla, would you say you are excited about sex in general? How often do you want to have sex with your wife? How often does your wife want to have sex? Do you enjoy giving your wife pleasure? I mean really enjoy it. Like look forward to it and crave it. Would you ever get your wife off just because, without you getting anything out of it?


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## MrVanilla (Apr 24, 2012)

Lloyd Dobler said:


> Do you not have any fantasies or anything like that which would allow you to become more excited about doing different things in bed (or out) with your wife?


Nope. All of the fantasies I ever remember having revolved around my having regular sex with a real woman. So, umm. I've done that - and that’s all I had. Who knew being easy to please could be such a problem? =)



I Don't Know said:


> Mr. Vanilla, would you say you are excited about sex in general?


It doesn't consume my life.



I Don't Know said:


> How often do you want to have sex with your wife?


Used to be once a week, now more like once every two weeks. 



I Don't Know said:


> How often does your wife want to have sex?


You'll have to ask her.



I Don't Know said:


> Do you enjoy giving your wife pleasure? I mean really enjoy it.


I don't know how to answer that. 



I Don't Know said:


> Like look forward to it and crave it.


No. I have never 'craved' it. That's a bizarre question to me.



I Don't Know said:


> Would you ever get your wife off just because, without you getting anything out of it?


I have.


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## IndyTMI (Oct 26, 2012)

I believe your wife is looking for more passion from you. When you make love, are you caught up in a repeated sequence? Sounds like she is wanting to add more flavor to your love making and feels you are resistant to new things or change. She is repeating herself because she feels you are not getting it...and from your post, I believe she is right.

I'd start off with things you may fantasize about that you haven't tried yet or something she has suggested that you don't have a problem with. Surprise her with it.
Even though you may not have a huge urge to a particular position with her, give it a try and once you see how much she enjoys it, it may in fact build your passion to have another go at it as well.

For crying out loud, be a bit exploitative with your wife who wants to add more excitement to the bedroom. Do it for her...she wants it from you!!!


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## MrVanilla (Apr 24, 2012)

IndyTMI said:


> I believe your wife is looking for more passion from you. When you make love, are you caught up in a repeated sequence? Sounds like she is wanting to add more flavor to your love making and feels you are resistant to new things or change. She is repeating herself because she feels you are not getting it...and from your post, I believe she is right.
> 
> I'd start off with things you may fantasize about that you haven't tried yet or something she has suggested that you don't have a problem with. Surprise her with it.
> Even though you may not have a huge urge to a particular position with her, give it a try and once you see how much she enjoys it, it may in fact build your passion to have another go at it as well.
> ...


When she wanted sex when she was younger she got sex and she was _rewarded_ for her behavior. 

When I wanted sex when I was younger I didn't get sex, and was _punished_ for my behavior.

I think this might be the key. 

I look at your post and it all makes sense until you add 'more' passion. That's where you loose me because I don't get the more part. I've gotten this far!


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## Noble1 (Oct 25, 2013)

You are in a lucky position in that your wife wants to open up sex for her with you.

There are lots of places to get more information about sexual positions, new things to try.

More than likely, a lot of the stuff you read/find out about will not be for you and your wife, but there will be some stuff there that will be a 'good fit'.

Maybe see this as a way to not only increase your sexual life, but as a way to also increase the intimacy and 'closeness' of the relationship with your wife.

Good luck and have fun.


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## roostr (Oct 20, 2012)

There are many men who wish they had to deal with this issue. If it is what pleases her why not go with it, you just might take a liking to it as well. Maybe its me but I read a lot of posts about people being uncompatible about sex that causes issues down the road, resentment, Im one of them. I feel that some spouses make it a bigger deal than what it is (sex and fun) that it becomes an enormous issue and creates a wedge between them. I will never understand that, assuming all else is pretty good in the relationship. But if this is what she desires by all means give it to her, if not you will look like the selfish one in the marraige.


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

The reason I asked those questions is, if you are excited about having sex or just giving your wife pleasure, you could maybe translate that excitement into excitement for these diferent acts. I mean if regular sex excites you, then you could at least get the same level of excitement for doggie style. It's still sex. It still feels great.

I get that you're not comfortable with some things, but at least try the things that don't bother you much. Try to keep in mind that you are having sex, your wife is loving it! You are the man because you are giving her what she needs you to give her! That's exciting right? If you are doing something new and she's excited about it, let that excite you! YOU are the one doing that to her! Can you build some excitement off of that?


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

One "motto" i have in how I operate my marriage.

"If it's important to you, it's important to me".


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## Always Learning (Oct 2, 2013)

Vanilla,

It's called a feed back loop. She wants you to be excited about having sex with HER. Which will make HER excited to have sex with YOU, thinking that HER being excited for YOU will excite YOU more. Then the pleasure becomes endless.

She wants to know that you are thinking about HER, thinking about all the possible ways to do HER, all the possible ways to lust for HER. This will excite her. If she were a LD person she would not care whether or not you were thinking about doing her. This is what a lot of LD people do not understand. She will feel good knowing that you desire HER. Standard missionary every other week does not send the message that you desire HER. 

Your communication related to sex must not be very good if you have no idea how often your wife would like to have sex!


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## IndyTMI (Oct 26, 2012)

If my wife wanted to try something different, I'd be like, "You name it, I'm there!"

I so look forward to pleasing my wife each time we make love. I'm not there just to get my "O". I am quite enthusiastic and eager to have her curling her toes with excitement. Knowing that I am pleasing her causes my arousal to increase. Throughout the day, I send her text messages that I can't wait to see her, smell and touch her. Then, once I am home, I continue various amounts of foreplay as I kiss and caress her backside while she is at the kitchen sink or anytime I can sneak up behind her.
By the time we lay down for the night, she is pretty wound up with whatever it is I do next to her. She knows I have deep desire for her because of the things I build her up for.

Does your wife get to experience anything like this? I think it might just satisfy some of her needs.


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## MrVanilla (Apr 24, 2012)

Okay, I'm not communicating well. 

Let's try it this way...

Imagine a six year old child comes into the kitchen and finds a cake on the counter. The child knows _icing is good_ and stands on it's toes and reaches for the icing, and then an adult slaps the hand away saying 'No, you can't have that'. Sooner or later the child learns that trying to get icing is a bad thing - and it also stings. so the child stops thinking about icing.

That's what I learned about trying to express sexual urges from age 16 to 31. 

My LW was the child that was allowed to get icing any time she wanted... so _to her_ sexual urges are a good thing. 

This is behavioral conditioning simplified. 

This is what I'm trying to get over and I'm betting that the 'missing thing' I can't find is somewhere in there. 



I Don't Know said:


> I get that you're not comfortable with some things, but at least try the things that don't bother you much. Try to keep in mind that you are having sex, your wife is loving it!


I'm not comfortable or uncomfortable with the new things. They are just different. They don't feel any better or any worse. There doesn’t seem to be any reason to do them except that they are different. So it becomes very difficult to rationalize.



I Don't Know said:


> YOU are the one doing that to her! Can you build some excitement off of that?


I've never considered that perspective. I'll need to think about that. I always think that we do things together. I don't think about my _'doing something'_ to someone else because that's like thinking about reaching for the icing and knowing that I'm going to slapped. I have learned not to think that way. That's very interesting. 



Noble1 said:


> Maybe see this as a way to not only increase your sexual life, but as a way to also increase the intimacy and 'closeness' of the relationship with your wife.


I hear what you're saying, but it's very difficult for me to understand. My sexual life was fine, so the only incentive I have to 'increase' it is that she wants hers to increase. So yes, I tried her suggestions - and maybe she feels somewhat better - which is good - but there's no increase for me. It's just different for the sake of being different. 

As for "a way to also increase the intimacy and 'closeness' of the relationship" I honestly can not imagine how a change in mechanics could possibly do that. It's not your fault - but that escapes me entirely.



Hicks said:


> One "motto" i have in how I operate my marriage.
> 
> "If it's important to you, it's important to me".


Why do you think I'm looking for an answer?
Simplifying and re-stating the obvious... isn't much help. =) 



Always Learning said:


> Vanilla,
> She wants to know that you are thinking about HER, thinking about all the possible ways to do HER, all the possible ways to lust for HER.


I don't think about ways 'to do' anyone. =) Thinking about ways to do someone were never rewarded. You're asking me to invent new ways to get the icing off the cake - when every time I did that, I still got slapped. So eventually I learned not to think about it. This is a part of that conditioning. I don't know how to get past this.



Always Learning said:


> Your communication related to sex must not be very good if you have no idea how often your wife would like to have sex!


How am I supposed to know how someone else feels? 
What is she supposed to do? Tell me? I can't guess!



IndyTMI said:


> Throughout the day, I send her text messages that I can't wait to see her, smell and touch her. Then, once I am home, I continue various amounts of foreplay as I kiss and caress her backside while she is at the kitchen sink or anytime I can sneak up behind her...
> 
> Does your wife get to experience anything like this? I think it might just satisfy some of her needs.


Well, um, I wouldn't dare text her like that, so no. As for foreplay, that's difficult for me. I'm not that bold or blatant and since I don't really know when I'm supposed to initiate... everything I do is very subtle. I'll bet that I'm cautious like this because I'm probably fearing a rejection that I falsely believe is about to come. 

Funny, but having other people answer my question suddenly allows me the distance to see possible answers. 

Thank you all!


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## CluelessWif (Jun 20, 2014)

I am not going to tell you that you are lucky. If this causes distress and threatens your marriage you are not lucky.

It may have something to do with her age. I hit that age myself, where my sex drive spiked and I wanted to do new and different things.

I think the fact that she can have this conversation with you is an excellent place to begin. They are right when they say knowing is half the battle. It is good that you think about it, because that shows that you will do whatever you have to do to keep her.

Step one: set up some boundaries. Most of us normal (tongue-in-cheek) people are fairly clueless about how sexual experimentation, so things can surpass our comfort level very quickly. A suggestion for you would be no talking about previous sexual encounters. The very last way to make a man feel sexy is by telling him that some other guy did it better. Any experimentation between you guys should only be between you. There shouldn't be the ghosts of her exes cluttering it up.

Step two: read a book and some articles from Maxim and men's health. Get an idea for the type of things out there and figure out what is most in line with your desires.

Step three: for all intents and purposes you are a virgin here, so act like one. Go slowly and try new things slowly. Be very clear about what you are not willing to do. There are rules to this kind of thing and a firm 'No' is to be respected at all times.

Don't be afraid that you are going to end up in a dungeon covered in leather. This doesn't have to be crass. It can be a sensual, full body experience. Blind fold her, tie her hands to the headboard with a silk scarf.

Read some Stephanie Lawrence. Think provocative and thrilling rather than sleazy. Good luck!


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

MrVanilla said:


> I'll bet that I'm cautious like this because I'm probably fearing a rejection that I falsely believe is about to come.


After 18 years of marriage, it sounds like it's long past time to get over this fear of rejection. Have you been in therapy at all? If not, you might want to consider it. 

When you aren't excited about touching your wife in as many ways as possible, she sees it as your rejection of her. Men who are sexually attracted to their wives (and vice versa), have a desire to explore their lover's bodies and find all the ways they can give their partners sexual pleasure. Most people settle into some favorites, and then spice things up every now and then by doing something different. 

By being all "meh" about foreplay and sexual exploration, you're slapping her hands away when she reaches for the icing. Stop it. Because you know what results from being slapped away for years on end - it pretty much deadened your desire as a coping mechanism...no more cravings for you, no fantasies, nothing really turns you on in your mind, nothing is erotic to you.

If you can't find any passion for your wife within you, there isn't a good ending here. Passion and emotion are important when it comes to sex, as is the mind. Erotic thoughts and ideas are what keep sex exciting for people.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

MrVanilla said:


> She’s just going on about variations under the same general subject heading. So I don’t get that at all. not exciting to me. It’s just different.....
> 
> The other thing I don’t get: is that none of this is my doing. So why do I feel like I’m the one with ‘issues’ because I never wanted to do something I never knew existed? It feels like this impasse is all my fault because I kept my pants on when I was younger, and she didn’t.
> 
> ...


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## SeekingEcstasy (Jun 20, 2014)

I suggest you read "The Erotic Mind" as a start. I saw that suggested earlier and read it. It will help you identify where you are sexually and what might be holding you back. There is a survery and he suggest you keep a journal. Do those privately but they might give you ideas for discussion.

Depending on your wife, you might want to read "The Loving Dominate" and/or "Urban Tantra" together. Both of those cover much more than sex but I'm betting that your wife really wants more than sex.


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## MrVanilla (Apr 24, 2012)

norajane said:


> After 18 years of marriage, it sounds like it's long past time to get over this fear of rejection. Have you been in therapy at all? If not, you might want to consider it.


Actually looked for and found a therapist to translate. We weren’t communicating. The differences in our perspectives and experiences were so opposite that the underlying assumptions included in our everyday words were radically different. That took some work to get through.

Oddly… we stopped going as a couple and the therapist just wanted to see me. I’m still not fond of that, but I have learned an awful lot and feel educated enough to be able to speak about it. It was a hurtle. 



norajane said:


> When you aren't excited about touching your wife in as many ways as possible, she sees it as your rejection of her. Men who are sexually attracted to their wives (and vice versa), have a desire to explore their lover's bodies and find all the ways they can give their partners sexual pleasure. Most people settle into some favorites, and then spice things up every now and then by doing something different.


You know it’s not because I’m ‘not attracted’ to my wife! 

It’s because I’m very uncomfortable exploring someone else’s body. It’s _their_ body. I don’t see where I have a whole lot of business exploring it. I don’t see people as experiments or play toys. She’s a real live person like I am – so yanking on this or pulling on that, just to see what happens, has never crossed my mind. I wouldn’t put up with it being done to me – but that's probably another difference in perspectives - and I need to be able to recognize those. =)



norajane said:


> By being all "meh" about foreplay and sexual exploration, you're slapping her hands away when she reaches for the icing. Stop it. Because you know what results from being slapped away for years on end - it pretty much deadened your desire as a coping mechanism... no more cravings for you, no fantasies, nothing really turns you on in your mind, nothing is erotic to you.


Point taken! And… she also needs to realize that she’s re-enforced and enabled my behavior for 18 years and that yanking the rug out and suddenly changing the rules leaves me in a somewhat panicky state. It's been an awful lot of hard work to get this far, and my continuing to seek answers to things I don’t understand is a good thing. I could have dismissed all of this and just walked away. 



norajane said:


> If you can't find any passion for your wife within you, there isn't a good ending here. Passion and emotion are important when it comes to sex, as is the mind. Erotic thoughts and ideas are what keep sex exciting for people.


I have the emotion, and I have a passion for her – but that passion was directed toward what I knew sex to be, and not this great unknown. So, yes, I respectfully understand the limits of the problem, but some parts of the solution seem to still elude me. It’s why I ask these questions. =)

Thank you norajane for a very insightful post. 
I'm going to read this one several times! =)

*_addendum: I did read this over several times, along with my response and I had an eye opening moment. The single most difficult thing to do when it comes to breaking the habit of a well engrained conditioned response is to recognize the conditioned response so that you can break out of it. When I wrote: "I don’t see people as experiments or play toys." I realized that this is a conditioned response. I've thought that way for years. It's a rote answer - and right then I realized that if it's a rote, easy, and familiar answer... then it must be conditioned behavior. 

So now I am able to look at this and turn it on it's ear and examine other viewpoints!

It's impossible for me to put into words just how hard it is to see your own personal blinders when it comes to conditioning. The old way of thinking is so homey and comforting that you just don't see it. I looked right past it 5 times! _ 

Thanks again!


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

You have been here a long time. You've asked variations on this OP several times. 

Maybe your problems are bigger than a marriage forum can help with.


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

At some point you're going to have to trust that she isn't going to slap your hand anymore. Your wife is not only allowing you to have the icing, she's begging you to WANT and TAKE the icing.

I know it's hard. I was in a high rejection rate marriage for 12 years. I still get cautious about initiating. My wife now has NEVER rejected me, but I still take things as rejection sometimes or get hesitant.

*"I'm not comfortable or uncomfortable with the new things. They are just different. They don't feel any better or any worse. There doesn’t seem to be any reason to do them except that they are different. So it becomes very difficult to rationalize."*

If that's the case it also becomes difficult to rationalize NOT doing them. One thing we try to do in our marriage is this: "whoever cares more, wins" Works well for a lot of things. If she want's chicken for dinner and I'm somewhat indifferent....we make chicken. If I want to watch the new Transformers movie, which she could honestly care less about...we watch Transformers. If I want her on the kitchen table but she says it's uncomfortable....we go to the bed. 

It works for us anyway.

You're indiferent to the new things, but your wife wants them....she wins. IF you're truly indiferent to them there's no reason NOT to do them. Use her excitement for them to fuel your own. You're giving your wife what she wants and needs, man!!! That's exciting sh!t right there!


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## IndyTMI (Oct 26, 2012)

I Don't know hit the nail on the head...you do have to totally trust your wife.

In a marriage, trust is everything, so you should trust your wife with her intent and let her lead you.
Follow her guidance as if you are blindfolded and she is directing you to a destination. You are in a situation where you can't see what is ahead of you, but you trust her enough that she isn't going to cause you to trip over any objects along your path.
Trust her the same way in bed. Step outside of your comfort zone, tear down the safety walls you have built up and trust her enough to experience what she is offering. Force yourself to open up and become vulnerable to her. Allow her to prove you wrong...you get to eat the icing without getting your hand slapped.
Recondition your response expectation.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

How will you feel if your wife happens to meet someone that IS excited by her and she avails herself of the opportunity? Honest question, because i'm trying to gauge the depth of your connection with your wife and the general state of your marriage.

You sound kind of apathetic toward your wife, so if you wouldn't be all that bothered that tells you something.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

MrVanilla said:


> I'm not comfortable or uncomfortable with the new things. They are just different. *They don't feel any better or any worse. There doesn’t seem to be any reason to do them except that they are different.* So it becomes very difficult to rationalize.


It seems like you would be content with the same thing every time. Most people like variety, even if it's cosmetic versus fundamentally different.

Different positions, speeds, locations, times, etc., add a little change that keeps things fresh and interesting, even though fundamentally it's still just oral and/or PiV sex.

Having a fried egg over hard for breakfast _every day _is like vanilla sex - it's gets very boring very quickly, to the point where I _wouldn't even want _an egg any more. However, if sometimes it's scrambled, sometimes poached, sometimes in an omellete or quiche, then I can have eggs far more often and still enjoy them! The biggest killer of passion IMO is a boring, repetitive routine.


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## Abc123wife (Sep 18, 2013)

MrVanilla said:


> Okay, I'm not communicating well.
> 
> Let's try it this way...
> 
> ...


You have been posting the exact same problem for 2 years now. It seems you have a lot of excuses and reasons you won't try anything anyone suggests. So what is it that you hope to accomplish with these postngs? Has anything chaged between you and your wife in the last 2 years?


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## changedbeliefs (Jun 13, 2014)

Sounds like the root is just your really deep-seated issues with sex. There may be specific issues with your wife, but your own blockades need to be torn down first.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

What I was trying to say, is the gateway to solving this problem is the good feelings you get by doing something important to your wife.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

OP, are you generally resistant to changes in other areas of your life? You sound like you may be the _very_ analytical sort, and many very analytical people are discomfited by changes in established routines unless there is a clear and compelling logical reason for the change. And even then, quick or unexpected changes may still provoke anxiety. 

If that's part of what's going on here, then you need to understand that "because your wife needs this" is, in fact, a very clear and compelling logical reason for change in this area. If that argument doesn't work for you, then perhaps it's time to get back into marriage counseling or try a few visits with a sex therapist.


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## MrVanilla (Apr 24, 2012)

Abc123wife said:


> You have been posting the exact same problem for 2 years now. It seems you have a lot of excuses and reasons you won't try anything anyone suggests. So what is it that you hope to accomplish with these postngs? Has anything chaged between you and your wife in the last 2 years?


It's not the exact same problem - to me. 

When I first came in here I was angry and frustrated and my LW and I couldn't even communicate. We've made huge advances in communication and understanding each other's perspectives. We did the MC thing and the couples therapy thing and we worked hard to get to where we are now. 

So perhaps my questions seem somewhat similar overall... but the person asking the question is not at all the same! I wouldn't have tried anything new once and didn't understand her at all. Now I can try new things and although i don't exactly get it, I can do it. 

The reasons behind both her behavior and mine have slowly been unraveled, and now I have a decent grip on the issue without veering off. 

Even your answers have changed. 
I can recognize my own tunnel vision now and catch it. 
I am miles from where I was and some of that understanding came from your comments.

So yes. it might seem somewhat the same to the casual passerby... but to me the difference is huge. With each new question and answer, I see the change in me and in the way I understand your answers.

Thanks for your patience.


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## SeekingEcstasy (Jun 20, 2014)

You don't have to understand everything. It gets too clinical. You need to play and dance like Snoopy. Sex, at it's best, is people getting close, people pleasing each other, and people playing.


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## where_are_we (May 24, 2013)

I have not been on here for a long time. I remember Mr. Vanilla from when I was frequenting here last year.

If I didn't know better, I would swear that Mr. Vanilla and I are husband and wife.

So if I were your wife and I could tell you only one thing that I needed from you it would be:

PASSION

Now that word entails a lot. Passion can be demonstrated by you initiating sex, willingness to explore, giving feedback, showing some sort of reaction in your sessions.

I understand you are content with the same old, but I believe many people are not. You are expecting her to change and join you in your comfortable, never-changing environment. Would I be correct that you are content with all aspects of your life and do not welcome any change? Same job, same friends, same meals, same activities, never rearrange your furniture? (You get my point?).

Why can't you both change a little bit and find a common ground. I have been trying to do that for a long time, unsuccessfully. But I sense that is all she is asking you to do. Meet her halfway, or at least part way.


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