# sexual issues with wife



## hubbytroubled (Nov 20, 2011)

i am having some trouble and wanted some advice. my wife and I have been married for over a year, and for the most part it is going well. the only problem is the sex. we usually have sex only once every 2 weeks or so. now i dont expect it everyday (even though i would be up for it), but she refuses to more then once a week, and most of the time its every other weekend. which is getting really rough on me.

to make matters worse. there are certain things that i want us to enjoy together in the bedroom but she refuses. we had talked before marriage and these are things she has done in the past, with previous partners, but she refuses to do these things with me. (these are things she knows i have never done, and want to experience with her, but she refuses even though she has with others before me).

my questions are, is it wrong of me to want to be intimate more then once every couple of weeks???
and second, if there are things i want us to do, and she has done it with people before me, is it wrong of me to want to experience that with her? 

i am being very nice about it to her and not pushing her, not mean at all, thats why i came on here because i dont want to step out of line, but these are making things really hard for me and i think our marriage

thanks for any advice


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

It could be very well that your not meeting her needs emotionally and physically. In order for us women to want sex, most of us need to be emotionally connected with our husband. Are you giving her affection without it leading to sex? Are you doing all you can to help her around the house? Are you complimenting her frequently? Perhaps her sex drive is a little lower right now. 

My husband has never ever pressured me into having sex/making love. It wasn't until he was meeting all my needs before I started initiating also. Also, I did not realize exactly how important sex was for a man and how it made him feel connected to his wife until a few months ago. My husband is very patient and waited patiently for me to come around. He, too, has a high drive.

We have been married 12 years and just these past few months is when I started initiating just about everyday. My husband has always put my needs before his. My husband also takes time every night to snuggle next to me for a minimum of 30 minutes without any interruptions from the kids or pets. We will talk, hold hands, and watch television. When our children were younger, the frequency slowed down to 1-2 times a month. When I broke my neck, the frequency was basically nothing for the first two years. The third year until present has picked up. I do live in chronic pain, so it's put some limitations of what I can do. However, my husband and I are fully connected emotionally and physically. We are very much in love with each other. He puts in a lot of effort as a husband and father. We are also the best of friends.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hubbytroubled (Nov 20, 2011)

thanks for the response. 
i am trying very hard to meet her needs. i always compliment her. i help around the house with chores, even though i stay very busy with full time work and school. but i try to do little things like the dishes when she isnt in the room so it will suprise her. 
and for the physical. i go out of my way to satisfy. i know that to want certain things you have to be willing to do things for your partner, and i feel that i go over and above. but she still refuses certain things in return.
like i said i am not being pushy with her but it is tough because i feel like im doing everything i can both emotionally and physically to make her happy, but dont get the same in return


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Maybe she forgot how important this is for you. My husband never told me how important sex is. I did figure it out though.

Perhaps you need to tell her gently and hopefully things will pick up. I told my husband that whenever he initiates, I'll be ready! He deserves the world for what he does for me. I hope your wife feels the same way to you as I feel for mine. Communication is so important. I wish you the best of luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hubbytroubled (Nov 20, 2011)

thanks again. i have asked her several times without being rude, but she flat out refuses. she says that "at least you get sex" and then when i say that i want to experience things she has with other people she says "thats the past." this really upsets me but i usually let it go. 
thanks again for the help


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## Prometheus Pyrphoros (Jun 16, 2011)

How frequently were you having sex before marriage?


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## hubbytroubled (Nov 20, 2011)

usually every weekend, 3 or 4 times during the weekend. 
and she always told me once we were married we would do more things. but that didnt happen


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## Prometheus Pyrphoros (Jun 16, 2011)

Glad to see you are online.

Most likely fact is you have been ensnared. It won't get any better and resentment will grow.

Do you have a child?

Myself, I would do one of two things:

- Explain to her what it means to be married and what you expect from her (and how sex with the woman you love is important to you) and let her know what your duties in this marriage are and you will stick to them
- Find someone else while there is still time

And yes, it is possible to not want to do certain things which were done before. It also does not have to mean she loved others more and loves you less. There is a time for everything. So it is possible, rare but possible.

Thank you.


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## hubbytroubled (Nov 20, 2011)

we dont have any children. the problem is the only issues we have are sexual, so i dont want to lose her but i understand if things dont get better i need to assess the options.

i have told her my desires and said to her that i will do anything she wants to do sexually, but she doesnt seem to care. i guess continually giving and not recieving what i want in return is getting old. 

and to the second question, do you think its wrong for me to want to do things i know she has done? i mean its not like im going to someone else to try those things, i want to experience them with my wife! if she had never done them then i wouldnt push it at all but i dunno just dont like that i cant experience what others have i guess. maybe thats selfish, but its the way i feel.

and the reason im not detailing those things is im new to the site and dont know the rules and dont want to be gross or anything


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## Prometheus Pyrphoros (Jun 16, 2011)

hubbytroubled said:


> the problem is the only issues we have are sexual, so i dont want to lose her


This is an all too common victim's point of view. Sex is a major issue, not some side issue. Also the fact you don't want to lose her.

The fact is you're getting just half a package. Your reasoning is that you have invested time and energy into this relationship and don't want to see it going to waste.

This is irrational. It has already been wasted and you not seeing it is not changing the fact.

When i go to the supermarket to buy hot dogs, I like to bring home the whole 8-pack, not the opened 4-piece one. Never mind I have been through the trouble of going to the supermarket and spending time at the deli or whatever isle and the package said 8 pcs, I believe I deserve the whole package if I paid for it.

If you are doing your part in this marriage (as I paid for my hotdogs) then it is wrong of the other party to not do their thing. Shows lack of emotional/sociological growth or just sheer selfishness and lack of respect for the spouse.

For a man it is possible to love more than one woman, you know. What you have with her is not special, even though from your point of view it may seem so.

As for the kinky stuff, she may just not want it any more. I don't do some things I have done although she would like to try. I do it sometimes but really don't want to. Just because she wants to. Not that I cared more for girls before her with whom I've done it with. No.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

hubbytroubled said:


> i am having some trouble and wanted some advice. my wife and I have been married for over a year, and for the most part it is going well. the only problem is the sex. we usually have sex only once every 2 weeks or so. now i dont expect it everyday (even though i would be up for it), but she refuses to more then once a week, and most of the time its every other weekend. which is getting really rough on me.
> 
> to make matters worse. there are certain things that i want us to enjoy together in the bedroom but she refuses. we had talked before marriage and these are things she has done in the past, with previous partners, but she refuses to do these things with me. (these are things she knows i have never done, and want to experience with her, but she refuses even though she has with others before me).
> 
> ...


It is NOT wrong of you to want intimacy with your wife more than every few weeks... its biological. Most all men want sex at least 2-3 times per week!

Now the rub... your wife has her own sex drive and rest assured its not likely 2-3 times per week.

The problem... Is when one spouse dictates the others sex life based solely on their drive! Marriage is a partnership.

Best: Find a mutual level that is workable.... in your case it is not unfathomable that that may very well be twice per month... however it is causing you stress so it should become somewhat more frequent.


BE careful... forcing someone into your individual drive in a marriage will tend to build lots of resentment. best to find a win/win. Don't lose the war to win a battle.


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

No, there is nothing wrong with wanting an active sex life with your wife. I think you need to explain to her how important regulard sex is for you. I would also tell her that expanding your sexual repertoire is also an important element of marriage for you. Tell her that you can't envision a longlasting marriage with her if she is not willing to work on a compromise regarding your sexual relationship.

I wonder if she feels that sex is "dirty" or bad. I wonder if she has some hang up about doing those other things with you because she views marriage and sexuality in a very conservative way.

I think you MUST be honest with her about your unhappiness with the sexual element and tell her that if she isn't willing to work on it with you, you are not sure about your future together. It has to be said. She may get upset initially ("how dare you say that!"), but I bet once she thinks about it, she will step up to the plate.

Sexual needs are an important element of a relationship. It's not an "extra", it's a basic.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Wander over to the NoMoreMrNiceGuy forums. It sounds like you're a real Nice Guy.


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## hubbytroubled (Nov 20, 2011)

thanks everyone for the advice, im really not sure what im going to do but i will be sure to take all of the advice in full


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

hubbytroubled said:


> thanks everyone for the advice, im really not sure what im going to do but i will be sure to take all of the advice in full



Good Luck...watch that it doesn't slip into a sexless marriage like mine. Try to work on her mind and pull her towards you. Women have stronger orgasms when the feel a strong emotional connection.

I just started a full on 180 with my wife after working my butt off to make my marriage better after her emotional disconnect. 
Two years... not great results. My turn to disconnect.

PS you already have more sex than I ever did! We only averaged slightly more than 1x mo.
I aim to change that to 2-3x per mo. If my wife comes around.

Have a plan you'll feel better. Don't stay unhappy.


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## Randy52 (Oct 15, 2011)

This problem will not improve by itself. Have a serious discussion with her. Maybe consultation with a professional could help. Suggest joint marriage counseling or perhaps even a seeing a sex therapist. It could be enlightening to see what is going (and HAS gone on) with her. Also, it would underscore to her just how urgent this matter is to you. Best of luck to you both.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

hubbytroubled said:


> thanks everyone for the advice, im really not sure what im going to do but i will be sure to take all of the advice in full


You got really good advice. Read it over and try to incorporate it into your relationship. You sound like a very nice man.... too [email protected] nice. Follow Thor's advice get the book and read like a bible. 

You also sound weak and unsure - I am certain this development has sapped some of your self-esteam since it was not what you expected going in. 

Apart from the sexual issues, you have to improve the dynamics in your marriage. From what you posted, your wife seems disrespectful and you are probably disrespecting each other. The way you relate now sets the tone for the future. 

Re: the sexual stuff. Can you be a little patient and work on the getting and receiving respect. Don't make the mistake of giving too much to get an improvement in your sex lives, concentrate on being a better man. 

Man up and every thing will fall into place, even inspiring her to do the things she promised. Don't act like a little boy and beg or whine. It will be difficult but, don't talk about what you want her to do so you can experience an act. That sounds weak and as if she is performing for you. 

Sex is something that you do together for mutual pleasure, the giving is not going one way, you are giving too, right? Don't make it sound one sided because it isn't but she may hear your request as selfish. 

She is right, although a bit thoughtless, she does not have to, but she can defiantly be inspired. What did those other guys have that you don't? Nothing but attitude.


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## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

hubbytroubled said:


> we dont have any children. the problem is the only issues we have are sexual, so i dont want to lose her but i understand if things dont get better i need to assess the options.
> 
> i have told her my desires and said to her that i will do anything she wants to do sexually, but she doesnt seem to care. i guess continually giving and not recieving what i want in return is getting old.
> 
> ...



:rofl::rofl::rofl: Did you just say the only issues are sexual? Sorry to blunt, but Im a man up wife (bc Im the one who wants more sex with hubby who is like your wife). In fact, he used to say "at least you get sex" to me as well. Your only issue is not sex... but control and lack of priority in your marriage and your wife not respecting your wants, when you are hers.

As far as the not wanting to do something she did with others... she could just not want to do that... nothing to do with you. That you could let go of, or decide not to push it since she doesnt want to. As for the frequency going down, way down, and the promise of doing more once you got married... thats my husband too. 

I read also that you are doing all these nice things in hopes it will make her come around, I can tell you it hasnt (obviously since you are here) and it wont. I did all those nice things too. Being that my husband acts more like a woman than a man (except for work), I had to "man up" and stop doing things he likes outside of the bedroom... cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping etc. My marriage had gotten so bad I had to stop it all to get the message across. You need to know this is what worked unfortunately (bc I love to clean and cook... it is very hard for me to sit around and do well computer stuff instead of clean). When he doesnt meet my need for sex more than once every 2-6 weeks (actually now if it goes beyond 3 days.... I stop again). 

You being the man, it comes down to things other than sex you provide for her... since you dont have children yet, she probably earns her own $ so it may be harder to pinpoint what to stop. Is there a date night she likes to or expects to go on? Do you pay for newspaper delivery and she loves to read the paper with coffee in the morning? Do you give her foot rubs or anything that comforts her? Oh, and for God's sake, stop helping out around the house like you mentioned you are doing. She may call you the pig for a while, but Im sorry but she is being just as pig like by not addressing the issue with you other than to say "at least you get sex..."

I know it sounds mean to take away these things, it took me a while to see that its just as mean for our partner to take away what they have. Being the better person with someone who is being childish, doesnt work, unfortunately. Instead join on your wife's level and tit for tat!:smthumbup:


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

toolate said:


> :rofl::rofl::rofl: Did you just say the only issues are sexual? Sorry to blunt, but Im a man up wife (bc Im the one who wants more sex with hubby who is like your wife). In fact, he used to say "at least you get sex" to me as well. Your only issue is not sex... but control and lack of priority in your marriage and your wife not respecting your wants, when you are hers.
> 
> As far as the not wanting to do something she did with others... she could just not want to do that... nothing to do with you. That you could let go of, or decide not to push it since she doesn't want to. As for the frequency going down, way down, and the promise of doing more once you got married... that's my husband too.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

You have to look at how much you gave during the sexless time frame and re-balance... The above poster is correct going overboard nice GETS YOU NOWHERE... been there done that. NEVER ever do more than 55% of the chores more like 51%.

I used to always make sure the house was immaculate including kids rooms NOW I pick up my stuff do general stuff like unload the dishwasher and take trash out...but all other messes from the rest of my family i now leave for them to pickup! no more Mr Clean, I take care of my messes and that's it. Its hard I naturally want to pick up but I stop myself and just walk out.

My wife wants to go sexless she can pickup all the messes that before I would.

Make them work harder... you aren't getting any anyhow. Eventually she will realize hey what happened?
Probably realize it's because shes not having sex with me. Hmmm choices. Sex or pickup trash.

Just start cutting back slowly...the more it drags on the more you cut back. If you get sex add random stuff back in for a while after. Condition her a bit that sex means overall a cleaner house and less work for her. Don't tie it to a single task just a general extra help after sex.
Also act happier after sex so she sees the effect it has.

She is controlling sex YOU control what you do. Keep it balanced.


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