# New here



## guilty and regretful

Hello, I have created an account here because I need somewhere to talk about a bad situation I have made in my marriage and I just didn't know were else to turn.


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## EleGirl

Hi, welcome to TAM!


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## chillymorn69

Hello


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## jlg07

Sorry you are here -- fill in the details and I'm sure you will get TONS of help here. TAM has seen most everything, so I'm sure folks can help/have been through what you are going through.


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## sunsetmist

Here, you will get honest, experienced, interested responses--whether you like them or not. No excuses, rug sweeping, etc. The more detail you supply, the better TAM will be able to assist. There will be diverse, sometimes biased OPINIONS/options.


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## Oldtimer

Welcome, there many people here who have helped a lot of people through trying times. Please don’t hold back.


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## arbitrator

*Not only are you, @guilty and regretful ~ in the unique position of seeking help for yourself, you also will be helping others who are in similar positions as you, who read about your plight!

Welcome to the TAM Family!*


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## bikermehound

hi how r u

Sent from my SM-N920P using Tapatalk


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## Evinrude58

A few things: Welcome to TAM.

1) Lots of people here have been cheated on (I'm one) and your story may trigger them to anger. Be prepared. We are anonymous. Who cares what we say..... Have a thick skin.

2) Don't tell us your excuses or try to blameshift.

3) Ask lots of questions, get some advice--- people here have experienced pretty much everything that can happen in a marriage, and experience can be useful if you can learn from it.

4) Try to figure out a way to fix what you have done so that you won't WANT for it to happen again. We might be able to help with that. 

Good luck, we can be helpful and patient, as well as hit you over the head with a rhetorical 2 x 4 if we think you need it.


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## Yeswecan

All ears. Welcome!


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## guilty and regretful

Thanks for all the welcomes, sorry it took so long to work up the courage to type this out. Please keep in mind as you read there may be things that sound like blame-shifting but it's not intended to be. I take full responsibility for what I've done and know that I am wrong. 

Back story: We've been together since we were 16, high school sweet hearts. Never been with anyone else. Married for 11 years 2 kids 7DD 4DS. Moved into new neighborhood in 2016. DH started having pain issues June of 17 it escalated fast and he ended up having SI fusion surgery May of 18. June 1 of 18 he woke at 2 am with a pancreatitis attack and I literally thought I saw him take his last breath. He survived and was a week in the hospital and had his gallbladder removed June 27th. Everything started looking up again. He was no longer in pain we were getting back to our regular lives and we were able to be intimate again without pain. 

Enter Bad choices: Through out all of this I've been drinking heavily (not blame shifting just fact)I went to a wine and paint thing with a friend and returned home around 8 or so in a state I should not have driven in. The kiddos were in bed and 5 minutes after walking in the door DH stated he was going to bed as well. I didn't want to go to bed so I texted my friends and asked if they wanted to hang out. Only one responded positively so I went to her house. I told DH I was going. He asked me not to be out too long. We started drinking talking and watching a movie. I got a call from DH around 10 asking where I was, I told him and said I'd come home in a little bit the movie wasn't over. I don't remember that phone call. Long story short we finished an entire handle of vodka, did a lot of kissing and other things but nothing below the belt (not that that matters what I did was still cheating in my book) I got another call around 4 am asking where I was and I told him I was coming home. I called him back 1 minute later to tell him I was coming home because I didn't remember the call. I don't remember walking home. At 10 am I woke up without much memory of what happened. I went downstairs to scrambled eggs coffee and a very understanding a wonderful husband. He made a joke about us scissoring and I broke down.

We have spent the past 3 days hardly eating crying and talking about how to fix this. I am utterly horrified about what I did. My only memories of that night are her giving me a hand massage, me giving her a back massage, Then I remember being in her room saying that this was wrong and I needed to go home. Her saying to just shut up and enjoy myself for a night, and puking in her bathroom.

My DH is being very strong and wants to work through this, he says he loves me and forgives me, he is very much so hurting and I don't know how to help him. 
I feel so much guilt and shame, I hate that I have done this to the man that I love who just over a month ago I thought I was going to lose! I hate myself for doing it and I almost feel worse that he is being so understanding. All I want is to move past this and prove to him that I love him and will never do anything like this ever again and I don't know how to do that. I just feel so worthless and horrible. I don't know what to do.


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## Evinrude58

So you were kissing, groping, and having a sexual type experience with another woman. You're married to a man.

Is this all correct?

So just for clarity, have you been in relationships in the past with other women?
Are you bisexual?
Is this a normal thing for you to have sexual thoughts about another woman?

The reason I think that this is important to ask is that if you are more sexually attracted to women than men, this could be a problem.

If this is truly a one-off thing, it's a weird one.

Problems you need to address:

1) face it, you've become an alcoholic. NO, NO, NO Not me, it's just been since all this health crisis with my husband. 
Yes, YOU. You are an alcoholic and need to never touch another drop of liquor of any kind. You can't do it? Well your marriage is doomed.

2) Are you heterosexual, bisexual, or homosexual? You need to figure that out. If you like women, that is a problem for your relationship with your husband who is a man.

3) You are a really poor decision maker and have problems coping with stressful situations. You need to get some counseling.

Some advice:

1 get some counseling
2 never take another drink
3 show your husband true remorse and never drink again and never go out late without him. Give him complete access to all communications like cell phones. He now has reason to fear your whole relationship.

The good: You don't sound like you're emotionally attached to this person, so although you totally cheated on your husband, you haven't been having an affair and I think this can be fixed if you are as remorseful as you say and are willing to do the work. Your husband may or may not be able to forgive you and move forward. If he can't and wants to divorce, bow out gracefully and give him a fair settlement. If he forgives you, realize it likely won't happen twice, and that he will have horrid memories of what you did and fear of what you might do-- for the rest of his life. It will be up to you to help him work on it, even when you're weary of his mistrust. It may take years for him to recover. 

Good luck. People make mistakes, although this is an odd "mistake". More like a really odd choice. You are not doomed, no matter what. You will get past this. We all have things we regret and want to leave in the past. I hope you get this one behind you and it stays behind you.


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## guilty and regretful

@Evinrude58 Answering your questions
Married to a man

Never been in a relationship with a woman or another man for that matter unless you count 2 weeks with a boy in the 7th grade.

I do not believe I'm bisexual because I've never fantasized about a woman before.

I have never had these types of feelings, thoughts, or desires before and didn't have them that night before going over there. I honestly thought we were going to have a few drinks watch a movie and I was going to come home. 


1) face it, you've become an alcoholic. NO, NO, NO Not me, it's just been since all this health crisis with my husband. 
Yes, YOU. You are an alcoholic and need to never touch another drop of liquor of any kind. You can't do it? Well your marriage is doomed.

I have accepted this and I have promised myself I'm done with the stuff because it's not worth my marriage. DH respects that choice and promises to help me stay strong.

2) I really do feel I'm heterosexual, or at most bi-curious. I find females attractive but I've never desired to be with one, and still don't.

3)I have an appointment to see a counselor on the books already to help me figure out how I let this happen. 


I honestly agree that this was the most bizarre and horrible thing that I have ever done. I appreciate your questions and advice. I am trying really hard not to let the regret and guilt eat me alive. I want to be here for my husband and love and support him through this pain that I've caused. I just feel so confused that I was able to do this to him. I never thought I was capable of being this crappy of a human being.


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## Tron

It sounds like your H wants to stay together, so this is fixable. 

Start by reading a couple of books:

1. Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass
2. How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful by Linda MacDonald

Follow the recommendations in those books and stop drinking. 

Make a plan, tell your H how you are going to make sure how this will never happen again and follow through.


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## Tron

Also understand that this is a process that could take years. 

You will have bad days and good days. 

Have some compassion and empathy for your H because he is going to trigger, his emotions are going to be all over the place and he will need lots of support and love from you.


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## Evinrude58

guilty and regretful said:


> @Evinrude58 Answering your questions
> Married to a man
> 
> Never been in a relationship with a woman or another man for that matter unless you count 2 weeks with a boy in the 7th grade.
> 
> I do not believe I'm bisexual because I've never fantasized about a woman before.
> 
> I have never had these types of feelings, thoughts, or desires before and didn't have them that night before going over there. I honestly thought we were going to have a few drinks watch a movie and I was going to come home.
> 
> 
> 1) face it, you've become an alcoholic. NO, NO, NO Not me, it's just been since all this health crisis with my husband.
> Yes, YOU. You are an alcoholic and need to never touch another drop of liquor of any kind. You can't do it? Well your marriage is doomed.
> 
> I have accepted this and I have promised myself I'm done with the stuff because it's not worth my marriage. DH respects that choice and promises to help me stay strong.
> 
> 2) I really do feel I'm heterosexual, or at most bi-curious. I find females attractive but I've never desired to be with one, and still don't.
> 
> 3)I have an appointment to see a counselor on the books already to help me figure out how I let this happen.
> 
> 
> I honestly agree that this was the most bizarre and horrible thing that I have ever done. I appreciate your questions and advice. I am trying really hard not to let the regret and guilt eat me alive. I want to be here for my husband and love and support him through this pain that I've caused. I just feel so confused that I was able to do this to him. I never thought I was capable of being this crappy of a human being.



My take on this:

You have been on a road to disaster ever since you started the drinking. You kind of reached the crux of the bad decisions with an atomic fireball, and have kind of awakened to where you are and how you got there.

I think you are thinking clearly now. Once you talk this out with your counselor and are able to forgive yourself, you may find it easier to start working on the other things in your life.
Your husband will likely be able to forgive this if you show him that you are truly repentant. 

Gotta stop the drinking. Everything else will likely fall back into place.
Good job on helping your husband get through all his health problems. Even basically good people do crazy things once in a while.


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## guilty and regretful

I've known for about 6 months I needed to stop the drinking and always rationalized that I wasn't that bad. I just chatted with a friend of mine who asked if I would be willing to go to some AA meetings and that she would go with me. I may see if my Husband would like to go instead and see if that helps us work out some of this as well. Thank you again for your encouraging words and advice. I am going to do everything in my power to renew our relationship and strengthen our marriage.


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## guilty and regretful

Also @Tron thanks for the book recommendations and for reminding me that this is not going to be a fast fix. I need to be patient with him and owe him the time he needs to heal and the proof that I am making us the priority.


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## Oldtimer

I think you’ve started on the right path to self healing and recognition of what may have brought on the situation. One of the things that haven’t been mentioned and as a man I would feel very emasculated at the thought of my wife involved with another woman, regardless of how drunk or incapacitated she was. 

You have stated that you want to help your husband, which is good, but you need to work on yourself as well. Seemingly you have started that process. Remember though even if at this point he is all in and said he forgives you, the anger and hurt will more than likely manifest over the next while.

AA is a positive and he may want to try alanon for a better understanding of the alcoholic mindset. 

Please keep the folks here updated as it may help in saving your marriage which is what you seem to want to do. 
In regards to the alcohol side, if you like, you can PM me as I spent a lot of time (10 years) on skid rows and have been a recovered alcoholic for 38 years now. 

Hang in there and keep the love going with your husband and children.


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## guilty and regretful

Oldtimer said:


> I think you’ve started on the right path to self healing and recognition of what may have brought on the situation. One of the things that haven’t been mentioned and as a man I would feel very emasculated at the thought of my wife involved with another woman, regardless of how drunk or incapacitated she was.


This is something that I didn't really think about. Thank you for pointing it out to me. He had expressed at various points in time dealing with his hip and back pain, that he felt bad that he couldn't do the things we normally would sexually. So this is most likely building on that. I always encouraged him and told him it was ok and we did other very satisfying things but I can see how this would be a very strong blow in his masculinity!


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## Adelais

You won't like what I am about to tell you.

You are going to have to end the friendship with your friend for 2 reasons. 1) She encouraged you to cheat on your husband 2) *with her*, and you now have a history with her that will not go away.

For your husband's peace of mind, you need to get her completely out of the picture.


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## Tron

Araucaria said:


> You won't like what I am about to tell you.
> 
> You are going to have to end the friendship with your friend for 2 reasons. 1) She encouraged you to cheat on your husband 2) *with her*, and you now have a history with her that will not go away.
> 
> For your husband's peace of mind, you need to get her completely out of the picture.


Oh yeah!

AND THIS!!!


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## TAMAT

GandR,

You are rare for coming clean so quickly.

You might offer to take a polygraph to your H, years from now he might doubt he has the complete story and have a breakdown as a result. This may be crushing him on the inside more than you know.

Looking at it from your Hs perspective I doubt he believes you stayed there all night and never had orgasmic sex.

The friend has to be completely cut off along with any other alcoholic types.

Has your H confronted the OW, does the OW have a SO who needs to be informed.

Since you kissed and exchanged saliva please get tested for oral HPV, avoid giving your H oral sex or kissing for at least six months to prevent infecting him which can result in oral cancers.

https://www.cdc.gov/cancer/hpv/basic_info/hpv_oropharyngeal.htm

Tamat


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## guilty and regretful

@TAMAT 

Oh my word I'm super scared now!! I have a dr. appointment for another issue on the 8th of August so I'll ask for further testing. It's too late to keep my husband safe if I've got something from her. God I'm such an idiot! 

I am going to for sure stop hanging out with my drinking friends. 

My husband and I had her come over yesterday and talked things out. She is very regretful and remembers less than I do supposedly. She has a SO and we will all work together to make sure everyone knows what when on.


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## TAMAT

I'm concerned that this woman is promiscuous and has been exposed to a larger population of other people who are also promiscuous. This is especially unfair to your H since you have kept an exclusive relationship so far.

If the OW is your boss your H should go to HR and get her fired so there is no further contact, work contact is contact, and your H will wonder what is going on at work. Possibly your H need for forceably suggest that OW fall on her sword and quit.

How does the OW SO feel about this?

https://www.nbcnews.com/health/health-news/silent-epidemic-cancer-spreading-among-men-n811466

Tamat


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## guilty and regretful

TAMAT said:


> I'm concerned that this woman is promiscuous and has been exposed to a larger population of other people who are also promiscuous. This is especially unfair to your H since you have kept an exclusive relationship so far.
> 
> If the OW is your boss your H should go to HR and get her fired so there is no further contact, work contact is contact, and your H will wonder what is going on at work. Possibly your H need for forceably suggest that OW fall on her sword and quit.
> 
> How does the OW SO feel about this?




To my knowledge she isn't promiscuous, she seemed as upset and confused as I was about the situation. We were acquainted enough to have shared lots of personal information about ourselves. (this was not the first time we'd shared drinks and watched movies) She has never cheated on her SO until this as far as our conversations had gone. Her SO is out of town on business so she hasn't told him yet but as far as I know she plans to when he gets home. As a spouse I wouldn't want to know until I got home that something like this had happened.


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## BarbedFenceRider

Araucaria said:


> You won't like what I am about to tell you.
> 
> You are going to have to end the friendship with your friend for 2 reasons. 1) She encouraged you to cheat on your husband 2) *with her*, and you now have a history with her that will not go away.
> 
> For your husband's peace of mind, you need to get her completely out of the picture.


Hell, I was going to go farther...She is a predator. She took advantage with the liquor. Yeah, OP has to own her sh!t, but this FRIEND? She sent the line, hook and sinker.... She needs to go. And a NC contact with your BH present as well!


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## TAMAT

Get to the OW H first and now, so OW does not have a chance to spin a different story, do it before he gets home.

The OW has done this before.

Don't forget that the OW did this to your children not just to your BH.

Tamat


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## Oceania

Whoa guys...
G & R a message is coming through here...


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## sokillme

guilty and regretful said:


> Thanks for all the welcomes, sorry it took so long to work up the courage to type this out. Please keep in mind as you read there may be things that sound like blame-shifting but it's not intended to be. I take full responsibility for what I've done and know that I am wrong.
> 
> Back story: We've been together since we were 16, high school sweet hearts. Never been with anyone else. Married for 11 years 2 kids 7DD 4DS. Moved into new neighborhood in 2016. DH started having pain issues June of 17 it escalated fast and he ended up having SI fusion surgery May of 18. June 1 of 18 he woke at 2 am with a pancreatitis attack and I literally thought I saw him take his last breath. He survived and was a week in the hospital and had his gallbladder removed June 27th. Everything started looking up again. He was no longer in pain we were getting back to our regular lives and we were able to be intimate again without pain.
> 
> Enter Bad choices: Through out all of this I've been drinking heavily (not blame shifting just fact)I went to a wine and paint thing with a friend and returned home around 8 or so in a state I should not have driven in. The kiddos were in bed and 5 minutes after walking in the door DH stated he was going to bed as well. I didn't want to go to bed so I texted my friends and asked if they wanted to hang out. Only one responded positively so I went to her house. I told DH I was going. He asked me not to be out too long. We started drinking talking and watching a movie. I got a call from DH around 10 asking where I was, I told him and said I'd come home in a little bit the movie wasn't over. I don't remember that phone call. Long story short we finished an entire handle of vodka, did a lot of kissing and other things but nothing below the belt (not that that matters what I did was still cheating in my book) I got another call around 4 am asking where I was and I told him I was coming home. I called him back 1 minute later to tell him I was coming home because I didn't remember the call. I don't remember walking home. At 10 am I woke up without much memory of what happened. I went downstairs to scrambled eggs coffee and a very understanding a wonderful husband. He made a joke about us scissoring and I broke down.
> 
> We have spent the past 3 days hardly eating crying and talking about how to fix this. I am utterly horrified about what I did. My only memories of that night are her giving me a hand massage, me giving her a back massage, Then I remember being in her room saying that this was wrong and I needed to go home. Her saying to just shut up and enjoy myself for a night, and puking in her bathroom.
> 
> My DH is being very strong and wants to work through this, he says he loves me and forgives me, he is very much so hurting and I don't know how to help him.
> I feel so much guilt and shame, I hate that I have done this to the man that I love who just over a month ago I thought I was going to lose! I hate myself for doing it and I almost feel worse that he is being so understanding. All I want is to move past this and prove to him that I love him and will never do anything like this ever again and I don't know how to do that. I just feel so worthless and horrible. I don't know what to do.


How do you know you didn't do anything more then kissing if you can't remember anything? Did you know this girlfriend was into you? Do you usually get that drunk? How old are you? Do your other friends know? I am assuming you are cutting her off right? You say "All I want is to move past this." That should not be your thinking. Your thinking should be all I want is for him to heal.


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## sokillme

guilty and regretful said:


> To my knowledge she isn't promiscuous, she seemed as upset and confused as I was about the situation. We were acquainted enough to have shared lots of personal information about ourselves. (this was not the first time we'd shared drinks and watched movies) She has never cheated on her SO until this as far as our conversations had gone. Her SO is out of town on business so she hasn't told him yet but as far as I know she plans to when he gets home. As a spouse I wouldn't want to know until I got home that something like this had happened.


I would not trust a word this person says. You need to cut her from your life completely. 

Are you your husband's one and only? If so you might want to be mindful of that as this will probably be a point of contention. You will now have more sexual experiences then he has. The that feeling of him being unique for you will be gone now in his mind. That's rough. It may be easier since it was another women, for some men I think it is. Just be aware of that.


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## TAMAT

GandR,

You wrote, *We were acquainted enough to have shared lots of personal information about ourselves. (this was not the first time we'd shared drinks and watched movies) *

This is part of the cheaters script, they engage in intimate conversation making the other person feel like they have a certain bond or specialness with you, as a bonus they may say "I never told anyone this but...." etc. 

Another big part of the script is to complain about their spouse in the hopes that their seduction target joins in, if they are good they will have the same complaints you have about your spouse. It's even better than that if they can get you to start complaining about your sex life. 

All of us are vulnerable to this kind of seduction and intimacy because it feels so good and we want to believe people are decent and do not have bad intent. 

Tamat


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## guilty and regretful

sokillme said:


> I would not trust a word this person says. You need to cut her from your life completely.
> 
> Are you your husband's one and only? If so you might want to be mindful of that as this will probably be a point of contention. You will now have more sexual experiences then he has. The that feeling of him being unique for you will be gone now in his mind. That's rough. It may be easier since it was another women, for some men I think it is. Just be aware of that.




I am my husbands one and only. He had ample opportunity to cheat (travels a lot) and never did. He has actually stopped friends/coworkers from cheating in the past. He did have 2 girl friends before me but we started dating at 16 so it was a LONG time ago. I am 34 he is 34 OW is 31.

As for the question of "did I know she was in to me" No. I am seeing signs in the past now that I have a clearer picture that she may have been i guess. We always got teased about turning lesbian when we were drinking with friends including my SO and her SO. Maybe this was a manifestation of that teasing I don't know. I am a very physical touch person but respectful of my friends who are not so when I find someone who is like me I tend to act out on that part of me. This is something I will obviously work on as well. My desire for physical touch should be limited to my husband and my children. Hand shakes for everyone not hugs unless we're actual family from this point forward for me!

Also I guess I don't know for sure that we didn't do more than just kiss and grope but that is what I do remember, my husband and I have talked about if it went further and the doubt and hurt for that is something he's dealing with and I am owning up to. 

My main goal is to help my husband heal. When I said move past this that is what I meant. I do not wish to brush this under the rug and forget about it. I want to help my husband know that I love him and I will do whatever it takes to reestablish trust with him. 

This morning my husband said he only got that sinking feeling in his stomach once and was able to sleep ok. He has started eating again and we are talking a lot. About the affair and about the little things in life that we always used to. I in no way think that he will ever "get over this" in a way, but I am hopeful that over the next few months or even years we will be able to reconnect in a better way and continue to move forward. I am committed to him and will forever love him even if he decides at some point he can't cope with what I did to him.


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## guilty and regretful

TAMAT said:


> GandR,
> 
> You wrote, *We were acquainted enough to have shared lots of personal information about ourselves. (this was not the first time we'd shared drinks and watched movies) *
> 
> This is part of the cheaters script, they engage in intimate conversation making the other person feel like they have a certain bond or specialness with you, as a bonus they may say "I never told anyone this but...." etc.
> 
> Another big part of the script is to complain about their spouse in the hopes that their seduction target joins in, if they are good they will have the same complaints you have about your spouse. It's even better than that if they can get you to start complaining about your sex life.
> 
> All of us are vulnerable to this kind of seduction and intimacy because it feels so good and we want to believe people are decent and do not have bad intent.
> 
> Tamat


I have always been a very trusting and naive person. I don't want to see the bad in people. I will obviously have to change that.


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## Evinrude58

I have seen this happen in the past with an ex gf. A woman that was just kind of a friend (one of her kid's friend's mom), started wanting to hang out and have a few drinks. Then all of a sudden, they wanted to have sex with my gf, who was disgusted and said no and cut her out of her life.

I do think other posters are correct here. OP very likely had a woman that was setting her up for this. Probably disappointed she didn't have a new f-buddy. The comment she made about "just have fun and enjoy it"--- that's pretty telling. Lots of pressure there.

I totally agree that this person should be cut off forever as a "friend"...


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## Adelais

guilty and regretful said:


> Then I remember being in her room saying that this was wrong and I needed to go home. Her saying to *just shut up and enjoy myself for a night*, and puking in her bathroom.


At most your friend is a predator. At least she is not respectful of your boundaries, your marriage, or you in general.


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## personofinterest

1. Cut off this friend for good

2. Make sure you are 100% honest with your husband. Even telling him that you cannot remember everything

3. No more drinking

4. Create a list of precautions to shore up your boundaries

5. Read "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from An Affair." I know it was a one night thing, but the stuff in there about empathy and remorse is essential

6. Be absolutely trustworthy


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## Andy1001

A few things I would like to ask/point out. 
1. What are the chances that your drink was spiked by this predator. 
2. Some men don’t really consider what you did as cheating,if it had been a guy friend who agreed to hang out you would probably be facing divorce. 
3. Stay away from the booze,remember the first time you cheat is the hardest. After that it becomes easier.


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## guilty and regretful

@Evinrude58 

Thanks for the example you shared. It's difficult for me to see that someone I thought was a good friend could be like that but I've come to realize I was sheltered too much and too trusting. 

@Araucaria 

I never viewed women as potential predators. Lesson learned the hard way  I will be more vigilant in the future of female "friends" refilling my drinks without asking me if I want more. She will not be someone I spend any time with.

@Andy1001

Come to think of it my glass was bigger than hers. Spiked I don't know, bigger yes. I would not have gone to a guys house for drinks alone, that has always been a rule for me. ( I fully understand that I wasn't the picture perfect version of a rule follower that night) Apparently I will have to extend this rule to women as well. I view what I did as cheating and I was the first one to use that word after my husband teased me about scissoring with her when I got out of bed that morning. He made the joke and I went and started crying on the couch and when he came over I said "I'm so sorry I think I cheated on you last night" he agreed.
@personofinterest

Thanks for the book recommendation I will add it to my list for sure. I am following the other advice you mentioned as well.


No more booze, no more of the OW in my life, and a focus on making sure my husband feels and knows he is loved, respected, desired, and that he is the most important person in the world to me.


Thank you everyone for your honesty and your questions. I've been able to do a lot of soul searching and thinking. Keep it coming if you see anything else you want to point out or ask and I'll be checking in to see what you have to say and keep you posted. 

I'm so tired emotionally and physically right now but I'll keep pressing on and moving forward at my husbands pace.


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## BarbedFenceRider

"I'm so tired emotionally and physically right now but I'll keep pressing on and moving forward at my husbands pace."


Make sure you do get enough rest and stress relief. Go workout or engage in your hobby if you got one. And always, make sure you communicate to your BH. Let him know why you are tired, let him see all of you, all the time. If gives reassurance that he is involved and you need him.

But if you don't take some time and get ample rest, you may just implode and build resentment. Destroying all your hard work. You are so lucky he is giving you room to show him your love. Keep it up.


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## sokillme

guilty and regretful said:


> This morning my husband said he only got that sinking feeling in his stomach once and was able to sleep ok. He has started eating again and we are talking a lot. About the affair and about the little things in life that we always used to. I in no way think that he will ever "get over this" in a way, but I am hopeful that over the next few months or even years we will be able to reconnect in a better way and continue to move forward. I am committed to him and will forever love him even if he decides at some point he can't cope with what I did to him.


I think in the end what you both will find is that your marriage is forever changed. There will be some mourning over this for both of you. He is probably doing that now as I am sure this is apparent to him, but it probably will become more apparent to you as time passes. That doesn't mean it can't still survive and thrive. @Mrs. John Adams would be are resident expert on this. Hopefully she will be along to help. She has experience, but I will let her tell her story. She is also much more positive and uplifting than I am. 

One thing I would say, I would be hard pressed to think it would be better. I would advise you not to say this to him because from his perspective if he though his marriage was good to begin with and he was a good spouse you saying you want a better marriage would probably just be another slap in the face. My first question would be "what was wrong with the marriage?" Next "Is this how you tried to solve the problem?" A problem he may or may not even know existed. Finally "How will I ever have a better marriage now that I know my wife has been intimate physically with someone else? I mean are you kidding?" And if you think of it that is really counter intuitive. I would find that whole line of thinking insulting. Maybe if you said you want to be a better wife, that seems right, better marriage? Again my thinking would be "Your lucky if you get to have a marriage at all, now I have to do better? I didn't cheat!" 

This line of thinking causes me to wonder was your marriage really as good as you thought or say now? I mean if you were getting drunk and hanging out all night with friends, got intimate with one of them and are now even saying you are hoping for a better marriage? Were you really blindsided or was this the inevitable end point of someone who was very unhappy and didn't deal with the problem in a healthy way. Are you now after the fact avoiding the elephant in the room. Maybe you really want out and you just feel guilty? I say that because I don't know one married women in a good marriage who is out very late with her friends getting stone drunk and watching movies. They are usually with their husbands. It needs to be said and thought about even if it's hard. 

Finally hopefully he won't rug sweep as lots of men seem to want to do, especially ones who are not good at expressing their emotions. A lot of times this stuff comes back years later. But if he doesn't want to deal with it I would write out a detailed timeline while it's fresh in your mind. If it does come back there are usually questions and you won't remember what was going on. This can be a problem. Maybe journal what you are feeling so if he asks years from now you will know what to say. 

I wish I could just write (It's all going to be fine, love conquers all) posts as it would be easier, but if you want a chance you got to really ask the hard questions and hear the hard answers. Infidelity is a huge life changing deal. Even if it's one night and only kissing.


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## guilty and regretful

sokillme said:


> One thing I would say, I would be hard pressed to think it would be better. I would advise you not to say this to him because from his perspective if he though his marriage was good to begin with and he was a good spouse you saying you want a better marriage would probably just be another slap in the face. My first question would be "what was wrong with the marriage?" Next "Is this how you tried to solve the problem?" A problem he may or may not even know existed. Finally "How will I ever have a better marriage now that I know my wife has been intimate physically with someone else? I mean are you kidding?" And if you think of it that is really counter intuitive. I would find that whole line of thinking insulting. Maybe if you said you want to be a better wife, that seems right, better marriage? Again my thinking would be "Your lucky if you get to have a marriage at all, now I have to do better? I didn't cheat!"
> 
> This line of thinking causes me to wonder was your marriage really as good as you thought or say now? I mean if you were getting drunk and hanging out all night with friends, got intimate with one of them and are now even saying you are hoping for a better marriage? Were you really blindsided or was this the inevitable end point of someone who was very unhappy and didn't deal with the problem in a healthy way. Are you now after the fact avoiding the elephant in the room. Maybe you really want out and you just feel guilty? I say that because I don't know one married women in a good marriage who is out very late with her friends getting stone drunk and watching movies. They are usually with their husbands. It needs to be said and thought about even if it's hard.



I will admit that our marriage had been struggling a little over the past year dealing with all his health issues and the stress that goes along with that. He missed 3 months of work because his leg felt like it was either missing or on fire all while his back felt like someone was stabbing him over and over. He had 3 epidural steroid injections, tons of pain med changes, lots of physical therapy. At least 7 ER visits. Then the surgery and his pancreatitis attack that almost killed him and left him in the hospital for a week. then the Gall bladder removal....Needless to say I didn't get much attention and actually was told by him to F**K off once. NONE OF THAT IS AN EXCUSE FOR WHAT I DID!! Honestly it's not an excuse. I just am realizing I was feeling neglected and hurt and maybe this was some sort of horrible reaction to that. We had talked about all that I was feel during that time so I honestly thought I'd dealt with it.


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## Idyit

@guilty and regretful

I admire what you are doing here and with your husband. Introspective, showing remorse, learning, self-critical, willing to do the heavy lifting to repair your marriage...not something we see every day here.

Keep moving the chains. You're doing great.


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## TAMAT

GandR,

Do you intend to continue to work with this woman? I don't think that is healthy for your marriage. Hopefully you can force the OW out of the company.

Did kissing die out in your marriage before this affair, because if it did your H will feel very cheated. His interpretation is that this proves it is him that's the problem. This will be one of the thousand thoughts and angles running through your Hs head at light speed.

My W has let on that she kissed a girl, but I don't know who, it kills me because women are what I denied myself to stay loyal to her and I can never be another woman.

Never say that it was only kissing as kissing is more sensual than sex it where sex and love cross each other.

I also sense that you are minimizing something and are afraid to tell your H the complete truth.

Tamat


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## guilty and regretful

@ Tamat

I do not work with her she was just a friend and I will not be continuing it. 

our physical relationship took a down turn but we had talked about it and things were starting to get better. 

I consider kissing cheating honestly. Until that night my Husband was the only person I'd ever done anything more than hug and hold hands with. 

I appreciate your concern that I'm holding something back but I am not I have been trying to remember everything that I can so that we can get it out and work through it. 
@Idyit

Thanks for the encouragement!
@BarbedFenceRider

Thanks for the advice to still take care of myself as well. I do understand that if I implode it's bad for both of us.


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## BarbedFenceRider

GnR how would you describe your relationship with the in-laws and your parents? And now after the infidelity? When your husband was in the hospital, were they around more to help or support? How would you describe your support system earlier in the marriage and to now?


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## Blaine

Try not to be so hard on urself. Yes you did things you should never have done especially the driving. It is called learning. If you can truly stick to not drinking u should be ok BUT get the counseling I think both of u need to learn more about what is inside of u. He is ur only relationship and today that is hard. so work for it and dont be surprised if ur friend comes back for seconds so be ready


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## guilty and regretful

BarbedFenceRider said:


> GnR how would you describe your relationship with the in-laws and your parents? And now after the infidelity? When your husband was in the hospital, were they around more to help or support? How would you describe your support system earlier in the marriage and to now?


the In-laws relationship is good on both sides. I don't see that changing honestly. He told me he doesn't plan on telling anyone in his family because he doesn't want them thinking badly of me. He is adamant that he is still committed to me and wants to continue our relationship and is being overall the most amazing man I could every imagine. I really feel we are going to pick up and move forward. My parents were able to come down and help out with the kiddos while he was in the hospital and his supported us a bit financially because they were too far to come out.


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## guilty and regretful

Blaine said:


> Try not to be so hard on urself. Yes you did things you should never have done especially the driving. It is called learning. If you can truly stick to not drinking u should be ok BUT get the counseling I think both of u need to learn more about what is inside of u. He is ur only relationship and today that is hard. so work for it and dont be surprised if ur friend comes back for seconds so be ready


Thanks, I have a therapy appointment on the books (next month but still). I am really not wanting to drink but My husband has said that he's ok with me having a little with him only. I told him I will never drink with anyone other than him IF (big if) I decide in the distant future that is something I want back in my life. We have always enjoyed drinking together and I think he doesn't want to lose that little bit of fun we had with it. I told him I would rather lose that fun than him. He said I'd never lose him. He is absolutely amazing and I die a little inside every time he says things like that because I know I hurt him so bad. Working on forgiving myself and being the wife he knows I can be!

I will not be having contact with her other than chance meeting at places I don't know she's going to be. (grocery store ect)


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## Blaine

Sounds like u are saying all the right things but try to understand. You and he are rare in this world and believe it or not some people dont like that. But you have society telling you its ok, u have lots to experience, things to try. It will be a battle. Part of that fight is making ur marriage the strongest it can be. Learn about yourself as much as u can. Talk to each other even about things u want to hide, explore each other's interest. If one of u had a hobby the other hated it wouldnt mean they had to give it up or the other would have to join in. U can be supportive on the side lines


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## MJJEAN

I'd really, really, like to bring home how predatory this woman is/was and how very important you see that and understand it. Both for healing, keeping the resolve to keep her out of your life, and for the future so that you don't make the same mistake and let another predator into your life.

She knew you were in a rough patch recently. She invoted you over for movies and drinks to get you comfortable with being there having drinks. She waited until her SO was away and then invited you over. She then proceeded to deliberately get you very drunk likely in order to seduce you. When you protested the make out/grope session she ignored your feelings and basically told you to submit to what she was doing.


She groomed you and then took advantage of your trust knowing you're married and that this could destroy you and your husbands lives.

https://www.google.com/search?q=gro.....69i57j0l5.2615j0j7&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8

She is not a nice person. Yes, you need to be more aware of the bad in people. There's no shortage of it, that's for sure.


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## guilty and regretful

Blaine said:


> It will be a battle. Part of that fight is making ur marriage the strongest it can be. Learn about yourself as much as u can. Talk to each other even about things u want to hide, explore each other's interest. If one of u had a hobby the other hated it wouldnt mean they had to give it up or the other would have to join in. U can be supportive on the side lines


We have always been a great team so we will battle together. 

He called on his way home tonight to ask if it was ok for him to pick up some Jim Beam for the weekend. I told him yes as long as he promised not to pour me a drink. I have no problem with him still being able to enjoy a good whiskey or beer to relax. I'll just enjoy the benefits of a tipsy husband later that night 

Edited to add: If he shows interest and is ready.


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## TAMAT

GandR,

Another possibility is the the OW and her H are swingers and this was a prelude to getting you into a threesome with them.

I hope your kids are not friends with her kids.

You might want to read "fall in love stay in love", "surviving an affair" and "his needs her needs" all by Dr Harley.

Back in 2008 the ideas from Dr Harley really helped my marriage.

Tamat


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## TAMAT

GandR,

I'll add as others have said, getting someone drunk with the intent of having sex with them is really really revolting, this is something I remember other 14 year old boys talking about when I 14 years old and none of us had any sense.

Tamat


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## Uselessmale

G&R,

Find someone you trust to talk to. Somebody that will listen and let you talk. Don’t panic. Things happened that you didn’t want to, stresses in life overwhelmed you and your husband ( I know about chronic pain. It will drive you crazy). You have been talking, that’s good, quit or slowed drinking, that’s good , you’re on your way back. If nobody has told you you’re human and sometimes we screw up. Hardest thing will be to forgive yourself( I have that problem too) but DO IT. You will be alright. I’m sure of it.


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## TAMAT

GandR,

What this woman did to you was similar to what Bill Cosby did, I think she needs to be shamed publically just like him or that Harvey Weinstein. Expose her widely without warning or threats.

I very surprised your H didn't give her a beat down frankly.

Tamat


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## guilty and regretful

@Uselessmale

I have a friend that I've known my whole life and we have been talking about everything. She has been very helpful and supportive being on both ends of cheating. I am working on forgiving myself and trying to focus on the positive thoughts not the negative. I love my husband and I know that I can make the changes I need to ensure I don't put myself or him in this position again. 

@ Tamat

My kids and hers were friends and this will be a difficult thing to break off for them but I plan on distracting them with play dates with other friends to keep their minds off of them. They do go to the same school so they will see them from time to time. 

I will do what I need to do to make sure none of our other mutual friends have the same thing happen to them.


I am done drinking. Sober a full week now! I had a headache all week, it was brutal but it's going down. I didn't realize how hooked my body was to it. I'll continue to keep you all posted on things.


Edited to add: @TAMAT My husband is very angry with her but he is a really good man and doesn't tend to use his fists for anything. I've only ever seen him want to do violence once when someone close to him was dealing with domestic violence. (he let the cops handle it)


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## Blaine

Good luck GNR let urself dry out and you should start feeling better.


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## Uselessmale

You’re going to be alright!


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## sunsetmist

Congrats on your one week sobriety. You CAN do this.


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## guilty and regretful

I wanted to update you all on how we are doing. Our spontaneous road trip was wonderful. The kiddos had a great time and my husband and I were able to laugh and have fun as well. I feel like a lot of healing happened for both of us. We did talk a bit more about everything and we were able to come up with some guidelines for both of us and ideas of how to continue to reconnect as a couple more often. 

I know it will still be a long road but we are both feeling hopeful and happy. We are still very much in love and committed to making each other feel loved and respected. 

I am 2 weeks sober and plan to keep it that way :grin2:


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## sunsetmist

Congrats to both on your working together and honoring commitment. Glad trip was special. Bigger congrats on 2 weeks sober!!


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## Oldtimer

So stoked to see your update. Very proud of you in your sobriety and so happy your trip was great.
Wondered about how you were doing. Happy that everything is working out for you.


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## guilty and regretful

Wanted to post here again to say that things are going well. We went on a date tonight and though I really wanted a drink while sitting at the bar waiting for our table, I said no. Our marriage is still healing but it is healing strong. I think we are going to be ok. I may move on to a sight more appropriate for those who struggle with alcohol, though I may still check in here from time to time. Thank you all for your support and advice! 

3 weeks sober


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## aine

guilty and regretful said:


> Wanted to post here again to say that things are going well. We went on a date tonight and though I really wanted a drink while sitting at the bar waiting for our table, I said no. Our marriage is still healing but it is healing strong. I think we are going to be ok. I may move on to a sight more appropriate for those who struggle with alcohol, though I may still check in here from time to time. Thank you all for your support and advice!
> 
> 3 weeks sober


Join AA or Sober Recovery to have the added support for your sobriety


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## guilty and regretful

4 week  Sober!! I didn't know I could do it but I did. My husband and I are doing really well and though I'm sure it will come up from time to time we are communicating better and being more intentional in our time spent with each other.


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## SunCMars

...


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

Just to say.. you sound like you do drink too much.

I myself took a 20yr hiatus from drinking before I can regulate drinking again. And have to remain over cautious even now. But it can be done. I do NOT recommend AA for many reasons. Hang in there.


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## guilty and regretful

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Just to say.. you sound like you do drink too much.
> 
> I myself took a 20yr hiatus from drinking before I can regulate drinking again. And have to remain over cautious even now. But it can be done. I do NOT recommend AA for many reasons. Hang in there.


Yep I had a problem I pretended not to have. 4 weeks sober is great but I know I have more time before I can touch the stuff again, if I ever do. I have found myself to be happier, more focused, and actually less stresses since I stopped drinking. It's really nice. My husband is going to try it out for a bit now as well because of the changes he's seen in me. I think so good times are in store for us.


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## Oldtimer

Very proud of you both for your efforts. Your life will change and be so much better. Congratulations


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## guilty and regretful

Bringing this post up from the dead to update everyone who helped me through this difficult time. 
My DH still struggles with what happened occasionally, it comes up every few months and mostly when he's stressed and not sleeping well any way. 
We continue to talk it out and support and encourage each other.
I'm in therapy and it's going really well. DH joined me on my last session and decided to schedule one of his own because of some lingering health issues and possible career changes are stressing him out.
I went 6 months with out having a drink. I do have wine once in a while now but I only buy one small bottle and cut it with sprite to make sure I don't over do it. I also only drink when my DH is with me and never in party situations. I take occasional 3 month breaks from it to be sure I don't walk down the same road I did before. 

No more contact with Her (as we call her now) I did find out from a mutual friend of ours that about 6 months after what went down with me she tried to seduce my friends husband. He turned her down and went home immediately and told my friend what happened. They no longer have contact either.

Thanks again for everything and ask any questions you might have, I'll try to check in.


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## TAMAT

GandR,

Thanks for updating, I recall your post because I believe it is similar to something my W did, although it was more like 20 years ago.

I suspect she made out with a friends sister, but I also believe she would never tell me because of what she thinks I would do.

Did you get tested for oral HPV since you can get that from kissing, this can lead to oral cancers not to mention other STDs she might have had?

Did you out the OW to her H or expose her widely, to get her to move, I can't believe it is healthy to have constant triggers when you see the OW, did your H ever confront the OW.


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