# Women Advice - Sex Growing Pains!



## ptomczyk11 (Feb 9, 2015)

Hi,

I've always initiated sex with my wife, I can probably count on 1 hand how many times she has initiated sex. At the beginning of the relationship it never bothered me to initiate sex because I would get denied a lot less than I do now. But the longer I'm with my wife the harder it is for me to keep on initiating sex because I'm exhausted of either being turned down or if we do have sex it feel more like a chore than passionate sex.

I'm starting to get a good grasp and understanding in our relationship. It always revolves around the same discussion of me not always meeting her needs emotionally/affectionately and she not meeting my needs sexually...I'm sure most can relate.

She says that she wants to be wanted emotionally/affectionately and have me initiate being lovey-dovey with her; which I admit I fail at sometimes, because she usually takes the lead role here by initiating and then I reciprocate. But I have initiated this before, but the part that disappoints me is I'll do this for her to meet her main "wants/needs" in our relationship but then my main "wants/needs" of her initiating sex does not occur. 

It makes me feel great, knowing that my wife wants/needs me sexually and by her initiating sex I will get my main "want/need" satisfied and she will get her emotional/affectionate "want/need" met to by me initiated this. Knowing that my wife actually wants to have sex with me by her initiating sex, is something that would make my desire of having sex with her all the time diminish because she has shown me she wants me sexually and not just emotionally/affectionately. However, I start getting feelings of resentment towards her when I give her what she wants but my sexual needs are still not being met.

We've talked about this before and she will say it's a lot easier for you to give me my emotional/affectionate "wants/needs" more often than me being able to get worked up for sex after a long day of work, that takes a lot more effort on my part. So just because it takes more effort to meet my needs than her needs, I have to be okay with not having my sexual "want/needs" being met? I feel that's a cop out...

I know my wife is physically attracted to me because when we do have sex; it is great! I just wish that I could do something to make her understand how important sex is for me in making me feel closer to her emotionally/affectionately. Whenever we don't have sex for a while, I feel like a ship that's just drifting further and further into the ocean...I just start feeling more distant from her. 

We have had discussions about this and she has told me that she almost resents me because of how distant I start becoming the more days that go by that we don't have sex, but then after we have sex I'm more lovey-dovey again. She makes a good point, but I just don't know what it is about having sex with my wife that makes it easier for me to put down my guard and just feel a closer connection with her. 

I'm sure my wife gets the same close connection when she gets her emotional/affectionate wants/needs met, but for me that closeness comes from having my sexual wants/needs met with my wife. I don't want to have sex with anyone but my wife, and I tell her that...but now I feel like my wife looks at me with disgust because I'm more emotional/affectionate with her when we have sex. 

How can I get my wife to understand the "high importance" of keeping sex alive in our marriage and her actually initiating sex and making me know that she wants me sexually instead of cuddling all the time without looking like a sex-monster, this way I can continue to provide her with what she needs emotionally/affectionately?

Thank you!


----------



## Kitt (Jun 3, 2015)

It really is a cycle.....you both deserve to have needs met equally. Honestly, if you are meeting her emotional needs, she should be willing to meet your sexual/emotional needs. I have no idea why people think being myopic is good for relationships. I initiate sex and emotional intimacy. My husband seems to not know how. It is a dichotomy to be sure, but I've learned to not take it personally mostly because we have a super sex life and emotional intimacy is reciprocated. 
Perhaps it is time to see a sex therapist so your wife can understand that is your love language.


----------



## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

I understand that when you don't have sex for a while you get distant from her but when you get distant she does't want to have sex with you. It's a cycle. My advice is to stop being distant and still be lovey dovey even when you don't feel like it you so she will want to have sex with you. I know that's easier said than done.


----------



## ptomczyk11 (Feb 9, 2015)

Thanks for the replies! It definitely is a cycle...a vicious cycle! hahaha...

I came across this article and it hits on all points of how I feel: Husband's Sexual Needs: Man Or Monster? - Marriage Missions International : Marriage Missions International

It is definitely easier said than done...the more time goes by without having sex it seems like I'm just more easily irritated. Things that wouldn't bother me before just start getting on my nerves which then makes me feel even more distant from her.


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

ptomczyk11 said:


> Hi,
> 
> I've always initiated sex with my wife, I can probably count on 1 hand how many times she has initiated sex. At the beginning of the relationship it never bothered me to initiate sex because I would get denied a lot less than I do now. But the longer I'm with my wife the harder it is for me to keep on initiating sex because I'm exhausted of either being turned down or if we do have sex it feel more like a chore than passionate sex.
> 
> I'm starting to get a good grasp and understanding in our relationship. It always revolves around the same discussion of me not always meeting her needs emotionally/affectionately and she not meeting my needs sexually...I'm sure most can relate.


Regular rejection would lead to resentment and or a desire/need for her to "prove" her love by initiating sex. I can totally understand that.

I think one thing you might be missing here is that for a woman, if her husband only shows affection when he wants sex, we feel used.



> She says that she wants to be wanted emotionally/affectionately and have me initiate being lovey-dovey with her; which I admit I fail at sometimes, because she usually takes the lead role here by initiating and then I reciprocate. But I have initiated this before, but the part that disappoints me is I'll do this for her to meet her main "wants/needs" in our relationship but then my main "wants/needs" of her initiating sex does not occur.


Hmm, this sounds as if you feel like if you take the lead on affection she should reciprocate by taking the lead on sex initiation? So, you're turning sex into a transaction? Since you do XYZ for her, she should then to abc for you?



> It makes me feel great, knowing that my wife wants/needs me sexually and by her initiating sex I will get my main "want/need" satisfied and she will get her emotional/affectionate "want/need" met to by me initiated this. Knowing that my wife actually wants to have sex with me by her initiating sex, is something that would *make my desire of having sex with her all the time diminish b*ecause she has shown me she wants me sexually and not just emotionally/affectionately. However, I start getting feelings of resentment towards her when I give her what she wants but my sexual needs are still not being met.


I don't think your desire for sex would really, actually diminish if she initiates sex. That doesn't make sense to me.

But I do completely understand how you can build resentment about being rejected.



> We've talked about this before and she will say it's a lot easier for you to give me my emotional/affectionate "wants/needs" more often than me being able to get worked up for sex after a long day of work, that takes a lot more effort on my part. So just because it takes more effort to meet my needs than her needs, I have to be okay with not having my sexual "want/needs" being met? I feel that's a cop out...


Are we still talking about her initiating sex, or just agreeing to sex. Because I have to tell you that unless there is a strong desire for sex, expecting her to initiate when she is stressed from the day IS asking too much. Women need to destress to have sex and Men want sex in order TO destress. I'm sorry but you can't expect both sex AND her to initiate if she has stressful days. However you can expect her enthusiastic participation when you initiate.




> I know my wife is physically attracted to me because when we do have sex; it is great! I just wish that I could do something to make her understand how important sex is for me in making me feel closer to her emotionally/affectionately. Whenever we don't have sex for a while, I feel like a ship that's just drifting further and further into the ocean...I just start feeling more distant from her.
> 
> We have had discussions about this and she has told me that she almost resents me because of how distant I start becoming the more days that go by that we don't have sex, but then after we have sex I'm more lovey-dovey again. She makes a good point, but I just don't know what it is about having sex with my wife that makes it easier for me to put down my guard and just feel a closer connection with her.
> 
> ...



As I've said, I completely understand your desire for her to initiate sex considering how her rejections have made you feel unwanted. I have to say though that for a LOT of women, initiating sex is terribly difficult. Taken into consideration that your wife doesn't seem to have a very high need for sex to begin with, expecting her to manufacture this desire then proceed to seduce you is, I'm sorry to say, a bit out of line in terms of reality.

So what can you be happy with?
Can you be happy with her flirting with you?
Can you be happy with her flashing you?
Can you be happy with her enthusiastically participating in the sex that you initiate because she is totally turned on?
Can you be happy with her agreeing to sex because she knows you need to feel connected and close and even if she's not so much in the mood she still wants you to know she loves you?

You've gone back and forth between wanting more sex with her and wanting her to initiate. I think you should stick with more sex and letting her iniatiation be a more passive kind, like sending you a flirty text, which lets you know she's totally open to sex if you want to get things rolling.


----------



## ptomczyk11 (Feb 9, 2015)

> Regular rejection would lead to resentment and or a desire/need for her to "prove" her love by initiating sex. I can totally understand that.
> 
> I think one thing you might be missing here is that for a woman, if her husband only shows affection when he wants sex, we feel used.


The rejection doesn't really make me resent her, it instead just drives me further apart because I don't feel as connected to her as a husband/lover.

I can definitely see how she would see it as feeling used, however, after we have sex is when I show the most affection towards her not before. It just makes me feel more connected to her after sex because for me it's a bond that no other woman would be able to give me because they are not my wife. I just wish she would see it that way too instead of having feelings of being used.



> Hmm, this sounds as if you feel like if you take the lead on affection she should reciprocate by taking the lead on sex initiation? So, you're turning sex into a transaction? Since you do XYZ for her, she should then to abc for you?


I don't see it as a transaction. In a relationship/marriage, I see it as a loving partnership; so if I'm meeting her primary emotional/affectionate needs that make her feel loved towards me, then why can't she meet my primary sexual needs that make me feel loved towards her?



> I don't think your desire for sex would really, actually diminish if she initiates sex. That doesn't make sense to me.
> But I do completely understand how you can build resentment about being rejected.


You're right, as a man, my high sex drive will always be there. However, speaking for myself, if she did initiate sex more often it would put my mind more at ease because it would make me feel wanted "sexually"; which is important to me, and in turn would make it easier for me to give her the emotional needs that make her happy. 



> Are we still talking about her initiating sex, or just agreeing to sex. Because I have to tell you that unless there is a strong desire for sex, expecting her to initiate when she is stressed from the day IS asking too much. Women need to destress to have sex and Men want sex in order TO destress. I'm sorry but you can't expect both sex AND her to initiate if she has stressful days. However you can expect her enthusiastic participation when you initiate.


Yes, knowing her she would never initiate sex but I would love to be able to run an experiment to see what our relationship would evolve to if she started initiating sex more often. Just based on my gut feeling I think it would do wonders for our relationship in making us both happy and meeting each others needs. When I initiate sex and she doesn't turn me down; she does enjoy it and is enthusiastic about it.



> As I've said, I completely understand your desire for her to initiate sex considering how her rejections have made you feel unwanted. I have to say though that for a LOT of women, initiating sex is terribly difficult. Taken into consideration that your wife doesn't seem to have a very high need for sex to begin with, expecting her to manufacture this desire then proceed to seduce you is, I'm sorry to say, a bit out of line in terms of reality.
> 
> So what can you be happy with?
> Can you be happy with her flirting with you?
> ...


I feel like I can say the same thing on the emotional/affectionate end. If there are people with low drive sex, I'm a perfect example of someone with low drive affection. So for me, showing emotion/affection is difficult, and I really don't have a high need for the emotional/affectionate style of love to begin with. 

However, since I know meeting my wife's emotional/affectionate needs is what makes her happy; I will make every effort possible, even if it's out of my comfort level and doesn't come naturally to me...to do these things to make her feel and be happy. But since marriage is partnership, I would hope that even if it's hard for her to manufacture the desire to have sex; if she knows how important that connection is to me for feeling loved and my happiness she would be willing to step out of her comfort level too.

Regarding "proceed to seduce me...", as a man I'm very easy to seduce; I'm not looking for a bed of roses...a simple hand in the upper inner thigh would most likely do the trick...hahaha.

You know what, you make a great point, I actually wouldn't mind initiating sex at all if she did give me some type of queue like sending a flirty text that would at least tell me there is high percentage she wants to have sex and she won't turn me down. My issue with my wife is there are NEVER any "sex queues", her queues are always "affectionate queues" which do not transition into sex. I wish she had just some type of "sexual flirtation" that at least would give me some type direction.

Thank you!


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

So if you can be happy and content if your wife will give you cues that she is open to sex if you get things rolling, I suggest you make this very easy for her in the beginning.

If you don't already do this, start. If you already do this, ramp it up a bit.

If it has been too long since you've had sex, send flirty text messages letting her know in a cute way, you desire an emotional connection with her through sex. "It's been X days since I've held you in my arms basking in the after glow. I miss that with you. Think sexy thoughts today. Think of the pleasure I will give you tonight." This lets her know you're looking for sex. This, hopefully, will get sex on her brain which will help her become slightly aroused. As soon as you're both home again, touch her often in no sexual ways. The later it gets, start touching her in slightly sexual ways. This is the kind of "grooming" that most women will positively respond to, provided their sex drive is relatively normal.

Sex has become a battle ground and you both are feeling the stress. You both have to agree that meeting each other's need is a priority, but you both have to make it easier for one another TO meet each other's need. IOW, you get her thinking about sex away before it's going to happen so it's easier for her to have sex on her mind and ready for it. By doing this, and her responding, she has to make it easier for you to be affectionate in a no sexual way.


----------



## ptomczyk11 (Feb 9, 2015)

Thanks for the reply!

Yes, those are all valid suggestions that I have to try putting into practice more often...

I consider myself a very witty guy, and in the past I would send her sexual humorous nudges about sex via text as we talk throughout the day and I'm sure she gets the sex hints and she will just "lol" it via text, but I know she understands where I'm heading. 

My issue is later when we get home, she starts dropping the "i'm so tired" bomb over and over; which is basically the kiss of death for me. Even if she really wants to have sex with me, I just can't bring myself to initiate sex because all I keep replaying in my head is "she's tired so I'm not going to force her into sex like a chore if she really doesn't want to have sex"...this is where I would love her sex initiation to come into play because then she can say "i'm tired" a million times but if she still initiates sex this makes me feel a lot more comfortable and I drive myself crazy reading into her "i'm tired" line. 

So instead, we are back on the couch she is cuddling with me and I'm rubbing her back; and to not get turned down again and to not force her into sex she get's her emotional/affectionate needs met and I'm just sitting there thinking...well I guess tonight doesn't look good either. game over, better luck tomorrow.

wash > rinse > repeat...


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

ptomczyk11 said:


> Thanks for the reply!
> 
> Yes, those are all valid suggestions that I have to try putting into practice more often...
> 
> ...



I don't suggest you tag yourself out. While I can certainly understand how being rejected often enough makes you risk averse, maybe neither you nor your wife were looking at this in a better way.

She is saying she's tired, you take it to mean she is not interested in sex, but what if it only means she's too tired manufacture the drive to initiate and is actually saying she needs you to help her get in the mood.

Please read this article about responsive desire.

'Sex Drive Doesn't Exist,' Psychologist Says; More Women Experience 'Responsive Desire'


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

ptomczyk11 said:


> It always revolves around the same discussion of me not always meeting her needs emotionally/affectionately and she not meeting my needs sexually...I'm sure most can relate.
> 
> She says that she wants to be wanted emotionally/affectionately and have me initiate being lovey-dovey with her; which I admit I fail at sometimes
> 
> ...


Hmmm...so that should help YOU understand how distant SHE feels when you don't really get what SHE needs. You play at being emotionally available, here and there, you play at helping with the housework once in awhile, but in the end, the only reason you DO these things is to get in her pants.

And trust me, she knows it.


----------



## life_huppens (Jun 3, 2015)

ptomczyk11 said:


> Hi,
> 
> I've always initiated sex with my wife, I can probably count on 1 hand how many times she has initiated sex. At the beginning of the relationship it never bothered me to initiate sex because I would get denied a lot less than I do now. But the longer I'm with my wife the harder it is for me to keep on initiating sex because I'm exhausted of either being turned down or if we do have sex it feel more like a chore than passionate sex.
> 
> ...


OMG!!! This is me, to the last point in your post. Granted, I have other issues with my wife, BUT, WOW. I do not know how long you been married, one thing I can tell you, what ever I have tried over many years, did not worked. I am at the point that no sex is better than been constantly rejected. I also hope that she does not use sex as a way of controlling you just like mine does.
P.S. Is there other issues, or this is it. Does she treads you well?


----------



## life_huppens (Jun 3, 2015)

turnera said:


> Hmmm...so that should help YOU understand how distant SHE feels when you don't really get what SHE needs. You play at being emotionally available, here and there, you play at helping with the housework once in awhile, but in the end, the only reason you DO these things is to get in her pants.
> 
> And trust me, she knows it.


I am not sure about OP, but I am in similar boat as he is. In my case I am damn sure that when I am back from work, I give her BIG kiss, and complement her. I also help in the house with everyday chores. There is no day when I would not complement her on her looks (She does looks very attractive), and other matters. I hug her when we pass in a hallway just to show her I love her, cuddle with her EVERY night before we fall asleep. And you know what, all I get when I ask (I learned not to ask too often) is: good night, I am tired or not in the mood, maybe tomorrow!!! Forget about her initiating sex act. 

Well, when you are in close proximity with a woman you still desire, it has an effect of getting you horny (in a lame language, I am not going to go into physiological details) what are you going to do? Definitely not feeling great about your partner deep understanding of YOUR needs. Oh...Well...
Sorry for releasing frustration here.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

life_huppens said:


> I am not sure about OP, but I am in similar boat as he is. In my case I am damn sure that when I am back from work, I give her BIG kiss, and complement her. I also help in the house with everyday chores. There is no day when I would not complement her on her looks (She does looks very attractive), and other matters. I hug her when we pass in a hallway just to show her I love her, cuddle with her EVERY night before we fall asleep. And you know what, all I get when I ask (I learned not to ask too often) is: good night, I am tired or not in the mood, maybe tomorrow!!! Forget about her initiating sex act.


There are two books you need to read. First, read No More Mr Nice Guy. You are showing the signs of a Nice Guy and women HATE Nice Guys and, over time, stop wanting to have sex with them. So read the book, do the work to CHANGE from being a Nice Guy, so that she will desire you again.

Next read The Five Love Languages. The things you describe are very possibly NOT her Love Languages (what Harley calls Emotional Needs). Meaning, HER LLs may be completely different and those things you describe doing may not only NOT making her like you, they may be pissing her off. 

I HATE romantic stuff, hugs, kisses, cuddles. If my H did that every night, I would be SO turned off. I, instead, care about financial security and domestic support. My H, for the first time in 6 years, is taking the lead in terms of protecting us financially; and it's making me care about him more, even think more highly of him. And if he were to actually fix some of the things broken around the house, I'd probably want to jump his bones. In other words, you need to know what your wife's LLs are instead of just assuming hugs and kisses and cuddles are what she wants.



life_huppens said:


> Well, when you are in close proximity with a woman you still desire, it has an effect of getting you horny (in a lame language, I am not going to go into physiological details) what are you going to do? Definitely not feeling great about your partner deep understanding of YOUR needs. Oh...Well...


Let me take a guess. You just can't help yourself from grabbing her breasts or her butt or her vagina randomly, because you desire her so much. About right?


----------



## life_huppens (Jun 3, 2015)

turnera said:


> I HATE romantic stuff, hugs, kisses, cuddles. If my H did that every night, I would be SO turned off. I, instead, care about financial security and domestic support. My H, for the first time in 6 years, is taking the lead in terms of protecting us financially; and it's making me care about him more, even think more highly of him. And if he were to actually fix some of the things broken around the house, I'd probably want to jump his bones. In other words, you need to know what your wife's LLs are instead of just assuming hugs and kisses and cuddles are what she wants.
> 
> Let me take a guess. You just can't help yourself from grabbing her breasts or her butt or her vagina randomly, because you desire her so much. About right?


Thank you for the reply. I will definitely look into books suggestions.
Financially we are doing O.K. so there is no point of tension there. It is not her worries.
As far as what she likes, she LOVES affection like hugging, cuddling and so on, big part of the reason I do it is because is what she told me during our long discussions what she likes and when she likes.

As far as your guess....I am not sure how you assumed this, but I can assure you it is not the case.


----------



## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Happilymarried25 said:


> I understand that when you don't have sex for a while you get distant from her but when you get distant she does't want to have sex with you. It's a cycle. My advice is to stop being distant and still be lovey dovey even when you don't feel like it you so she will want to have sex with you. I know that's easier said than done.


I think the above is the only realistic thing you can do that has a chance of working. Of course, it may not (or not to the extent you want), and it not, then you have hard choices to make.

If it's not enough but there has been a little improvement, she will surely deny that she's made too little change in response to your efforts. So, I suggest you give this a solid 6 months of effort, and document what you do to meet her needs daily, and document how she responds. If all is well after 6 months, toss the journal. If not, discuss the situation with her if you still think there's room for improvement. If she denies, show her the journal (and derive monthly statistics from it, even) and see what she says. Of course, if you're really not satisfied, you can divorce her then too - or, live with things as they are.


----------



## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

I have had more offers for a roll in the sack in the last three years than in the previous 20 of marriage.
No matter how hard the deprived may try, they'll never outlast those who are denying them.
AND, if they have the misfortune of losing their prostate, she will find a way to conveniently place the blame on him.


----------



## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

ptomczyk11 said:


> She makes a good point, but I just don't know what it is about having sex with my wife that makes it easier for me to put down my guard and just feel a closer connection with her.


I'm right with you on that. The euphoria is every bit as real and potent as falling in love for the first time. But like a desert plant, that feeling will go dormant without water. (Like an ocotillo...)

Couple of things to understand though.

Your bio-chemical makeup is of no account. Hers is what matters.

You're going to have to rise above your natural state and be emotionally intimate even if a part of your mind is truly not feeling it. 

Cast aside all notions of fairness and remember that the very idea of reciprocity is repugnant in and of itself. There is no meeting you halfway. There is no, "I'll make an honest effort to meet your needs if you make an honest effort to meet mine." That's the thinking of the dreaded, "Nice Guy."

I don't mean this to sound cynical. When a relationship is in a rut, it inevitably falls upon one person to roll up their sleeves and try to steer it out. Your presence here pretty much guarantees that it's going to be you.


----------

