# Facebook, Phone Numbers, Ex's and more



## Axolu (May 16, 2012)

Hi,

I've just joined up because I have an issue that I'd like more perspectives on. There's some similar threads here, but nothing quite matches.

Here's the backstory.

Have been with my wife for 21 years, married for 13, have 2 kids, all of us are healthy, no infidelity, both working, in short life is pretty good.

Last week a few people from my wifes college days starting friend requesting my wife, because she was in some pictures a mutual friend posted.

She specifically told me about one of them as he's an ex-boyfriend. Along with saying he's a great guy, they were really good mates, and how good looking he was. And she'd accepted his friend request.

Now this in itself isn't a problem for me. 

But then my spidy sense started tingling and over a couple of days this became more of an issue for me. Something didn't seem right, but I couldn't reconcile these feelings rationally - I trust my wife, this bloke is from 20+ years ago, lives 50 miles away, so why did I feel this was wrong?

So I spoke to my wife about my feelings, and her opinon was that I was being irrational, why shouldn't I trust her etc. 

Then a day or so later she reminded me that we met the same guy in a pub a few years ago, and he'd given her his phone number and asked her to call him so they could meet up (and she was quite up for going to meet him). I wasn't happy about that, and we argued a bit about it, but she eventually agreed with me and threw the number away.

I discovered her looking up this guy a couple of years ago (amongst other BF's and old friends), while I was out of the country (the joys of having parental controls on the PC, I check regularly on the kids and found this)

She tells me the motives for accepting his request and for looking them up are simple curiosity; what they look like, what they are up to etc, perfectly reasonable and I believe her.

After more talking and a bit of arguing, and soley because it was upsetting me, she unfriended him. 

She still thinks I was being unreasonable.

I don't think I was being irrational or unreasonable.

None of it in isolation would bother me (apart from the phone number thing), but when put together, the phone number, the glowing description of him, searching for him while I was away and now him asking to friend her on Facebook, it adds up to something I don't think is appropriate.

I've told my wife I trust her (and I do), but I don't trust this guys motives. Personally, I would not give my phone number to an ex who is in a relationship, nor would I friend request any married ex's on Facebook.

Anyone care to comment or got similar experiences?

Thanks,

Ax


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

You`re not out of bounds at all.

However you are far too trusting of your wife.
Her behavior is not what I would accept from my wife concerning an old boyfriend/lover.

Her interest in the Ex boyfriend has already gone beyond the mere "curiosity" she claims.

Keep that keylogger fired up my friend.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Axolu said:


> I've told my wife I trust her (and I do), but I don't trust this guys motives. Personally, I would not give my phone number to an ex who is in a relationship, nor would I friend request any married ex's on Facebook.


Here`s how you`re being irrational.

You clearly don`t trust the Ex because of how he acts yet your wife acts in the exact same manner and you trust her.

Why?

You say you would not give out your number to an ex who was in a relationship.

Would you accept or keep a number given to YOU by an ex?
Your wife did.

You say you would never friend request an ex on Facebook.

Would you accept a friend request from an ex on Facebook?
Your wife did.

Your wife isn`t giving you the simple respect you give to her by default.

Why? and why do you tolerate it?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

just a glimpse as to what can happen



F-102 said:


> Thanks for referencing my thread. I originally wrote it in response to one poster whose W had reconnected to an ex-BF on Facebook, and it outlined how it can go from "Hey, how's it going?" to "I hate my H's guts and I'm leaving him for you!"
> 
> Here's the unabridged version:
> 
> ...


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Heh, I love that list.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

I don't have time to post a detailed response. As someone who ended up getting cheated on, the biggest piece of advice I can give is:


TRUST YOUR GUT!!

You're not a naturally jealous person, when you get the spidey sense, there is a reason for it.


I would say with 90% certainty if you let this go unchecked she will be cheating on you, either emotionally, physically, or both. The more defensive and aggressive she gets about it, the worse your situation is.

Also, you need to read some books, No More Mr. Nice Guy is a good start. The fact that you're questioning whether or not this is ok for you to put your foot down tells me you are one of the "nice guys." It means you're ripe to get cheated on. Don't be a part of the club that finds out the hard way.

Establish and stick to clear, defined, boundaries. Establish transparency in your marriage.

Do not be manipulated by threats of being called controlling or a jerk.

Find out what your wife's needs are, make sure they are being met. Your wife is fishing for an affair partner, even though it's probably subconscious. Find out what she's lacking at home. That may be a serious need, or it may be that you're displaying a lot of weakness and she is out looking for a bad boy.

Boundary setting is a major sign of weakness. Your lack of ability to set and enforce boundaries (ie don't private chat with boyfriends) displays weakness. She'll keep testing you, the more you appease, the more she'll push to see what she can get away with. Starts with Facebook, moves to phone calls, getting drinks, ends up with sex.

BTW, 50 miles is nothing, that's a mere inconvenience. Read stories on here that started similar to yours that ended with 1000 mile, week long roadtrips with the family car just to hook up with the ex for a few days.

Read my story if you want, if my wife can cheat, yours can too. She has all the warning signs of someone about to start an EA which will turn PA.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

All of the above. Trust your spidey sense; have immoveable boundaries; ditch op sex friends; NO exes whatsoever, unless kids are shared.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Even if your wrong about his intentions or your wife's, she shouldn't have an issue with not communicating with someone if you're not comfortable with it. And you should do the same for her.

Ask her how she's feel if you started communicating in the same way with an old GF you used to sleep with?


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## Axolu (May 16, 2012)

Thanks for the replies. I was expecting less of the above flavour of posts and more of the "you're being irrational" !

Bit more back story, I do have an Ex on Facebook, but I didn't search her out, she Friend requested me, I accepted, and told my wife about it the same day. I don't interact with her on FB at all, it wouldn't feel comfortable, we have little in common and there's no friendship after our relationship. So I'm going to remove her from my friends list to create a level playing field. 

Having this Ex on FB is part of the justification my wife has used for adding this bloke - on paper, and in isolation that seems fair enough.

You ask me why I tolerated her accepting his friend request (well I didn't tolerate it, hence all this going on!). However I justify it because of differences between the sexes. Now I'm right up there with equal rights for women (and for everyone) But regardless of equality, there are differences between the sexes. In relationships, Males are generally predatory when looking for sex or partners, and while women can be predatory, my wife isn't and never has been and that's a description that all her friends and family would use. 

She justifies both accepting the phone number and the FB request thing as naivety on her part. For not thinking what this guys intentions may be. She says why would she throw away what we have for this guy and she just wanted to catch up.

Now I'll admit I have issues with that explanation. This guy played her back when they were involved and eventually rejected her. Why would she then feel any reason to get in contact with him? And say he was a great friend etc etc.

Unless she still has feelings for him. 

So I asked that, and she catagorically said she didn't have feelings for him (but she got angry at that point - and then my spidey sense was tingling again!)

So I'm stuck with a satisfactory resolution - she's defriended him, and won't add further Ex's. 

But I'm still stuck with the feeling something wasn't quite right with her explanations, so I'll be keeping a close eye on things...

Thanks again for your replies.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I do suggest that you install a keylogger for a short while to make sure things havent already started going down the inappropriate path


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Ax,

It was a great move to defriend your ex too! Make sure your wife knows it's out of respect for her and if she has issues with anyone else, you will honor her wishes


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Things went down the inappropriate path when she started looking old exes up on the internet. That doesn't mean we're all not guilty of it, but it's a HUGE red flag.

You'll see this advice around here a lot, "Trust, but verify."

Make sure you set up transparency in your lives, both ways. Now is a great time to have that conversation. Most people don't have it until it's too late (I sure didn't).

Phones, email, texts, FB, location, they should all be open book. Both spouses should have access whenever they need it with all the passwords. No hidden email accounts, deleting texts, or clearing histories. If she starts sneaking, that's the start of cheating (cheating starts when lying and covering up starts).

Most importantly, have the discussion about how she feels about the marriage. Listen intently, do not get defensive or try to prove her wrong. Find out what she is missing that is leading her to be interested in other people. Most women will not start looking into other men unless they are missing something at home. Make sure you are meeting her needs and speaking her love language (His Needs, Her Needs and the 5 Love Languages are good books to pick up).


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

And as AR stated, install a keylogger and just verify she's not sneaking around. Check the phone bill as well to make sure she's not calling him. This would have saved me a lot of heartache if I would have done it early.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Curiosity killed the cat.

Nip this.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

Show your wife this and ask if you are still being irrational

facebookcheating.com

Hooking up with ex's on FB is a huge source of infidelity nowadays.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Also watch out if she says this: "you're being controlling." Over and over on the forum I see men who are anything BUT controlling--they are not abusive, they treat members of both sexes with respect, they would never physically harm their spouse and they abhor emotional abuse as well--absolutely brought to their knees by this phrase.

These words have a tremendous manipulative effect on men who are good, loving, caring husbands. They leap into action to prove the opposite. And ironically, lose their wife's respect in the process--because the words weren't meant sincerely, they were manipulative tool used to achieve a specific, selfish and disrespectful goal.

Here is how to handle it if she says this to you. 

I love you deeply.
Marriage is sacred.
There are certain boundaries that are important to marriage.
Remaining in contact with an ex is not appropriate for a married person.
This man is not your friend. He is your ex. We have discussed him in the past, and in the past you have agreed that contacting him was not appropriate.
You know that I am happy for you to have friends and am supportive of your friendships that are supportive of marriage. This man is neither.


I also spotted a book that LeighRichwood (a betrayed spouse) recommends around here that intrigues me, it's called "Boundaries in Marriage" by Townsend, the summary says 
"Learn when to say yes and when to say no--to your spouse and to others--to make the most of your marriage Only when a husband and wife know and respect each other's needs, choices, and freedom can they give themselves freely and lovingly to one another. Boundaries are the 'property lines' that define and protect husbands and wives as individuals. Once they are in place, a good marriage can become better, and a less-than-satisfying one can even be saved. Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend, counselors and authors of the award-winning best-seller Boundaries, show couples how to apply the 10 laws of boundaries that can make a real difference in relationships. They help husbands and wives understand the friction points or serious hurts and betrayals in their marriage---and move beyond them to the mutual care, respect, affirmation, and intimacy they both long for."

I'd get a copy of this book if I were you, because it's clear that you've tried various ways of waking her up to the fact that this is inappropriate and you're unhappy with how she's handling it--but so far nothing else has worked. She needs to come to grips with the disrespect she's showing you and her marriage.


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## Axolu (May 16, 2012)

Update. 

Well we had another chat about things last night, she finally admitted that our of all her ex's, she had the strongest feelings for this guy. What I thought was a brief fling, happened over a year (not all sexual, but friendship, partying, kissing, sleeping together and finally the sex)

Now, hearing this cleared up the missing reason she's so been keen to be in contact with him again, something I couldn't reconcile given what I thought I knew previously.

But what it also does is raise the threat level of this bloke interacting with my wife. 

So we agreed some ground rules, no contact with Ex's unless you bump into them on the street. No contact on FB, phones, email, IM etc. I removed my Ex from FB too.

I'm going to monitor communications closely from now on though. Nothing to suggest it was outside of FB so far, checked the mobile records, and I'll be installing some more software on the PC. 

Thanks for your replies, while I don't think this is serious at this point, all your comments made me realise it could get serious and quickly, and I needed to do something to stop that happening, which I am now doing!


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Two thoughts--

did you get the facebook download, which will show messages and chats that are not on the page but are private, and that were deleted? Trust, but verify. When that hair on the back of your neck stands up, like it did last night, ignore it at your peril. Edited to say, I'm not so sure any more that facebook downloads get you all the info. you gravely need. sorry about that.

I hope that 'bumping into him on the street' isn't taken too literally. You'd be surprised how rationalization of a fantasy escape works in the mind of someone pondering cheating. "But you _said_, it's okay if I bump into him on the street!"


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Axolu - 

Let me relate the very brief version of my story to you just so you know how fast this can go south. 

Like you, I've been married 14 years and with my wife for 22 - two kids - life is great. 

In 2010, weeks after our second child was born we're sitting around watching TV one night and I get a friend request from a woman asking me. "are you THE (insert my name) who grew up in XX and used to Vaca in XXXXXXX with your parents??" I looked at my wife and said "Holy Sh!t - I wonder if that's XXXX XXXXXX??" She said "who's that?" I said, "a girl I met on the beach one summer a year or two before we met - we met a few times after that but she lived a couple hundred miles away so it just fizzled." That was the end of the conversation. That was a Sunday night. Understand - this woman and I had a really good chemistry 23 years ago but I honestly had not thought of her in at least 21 years - literally not a thought. 

So next Monday I go to work and accept the friend request with a question to confirm that she was who I thought she was. We spend the next couple of days of with the "are you married?" "how many kids" "where have you been in life" things and then it takes a turn. 10 days after I accepted that friend request we were swapping "I love you's" and starting down the road of sexting and phone sex. Hundreds of text and messages a day, phone calls every time I got in the car - the whole deal. 

I wont' retype the rest of my story - there's a link in my signature if you're interested. My point is old Ex's - especially ones where there was "something there" are supremely dangerous and can go from "Hi" to "I love you" in the blink of an eye - even if everything is wonderful at home - it was for me and I fell anyway. 

Be hyper vigilant - better yet - both of you delete all of your Ex's off of facebook today. No good can come of this - otherwise why is she putting up a fight to keep him as a friend. 

Take this extremely seriously - hell print out my story and show it to her (don't show her this site - you'll need it as a resource if this goes south). Tell her the set up that she's creating can lead to good people doing really bad things. 

Please please please nip this in the bud. You know something's not right - otherwise you wouldn't be on a marriage forum looking for advice.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Axolu said:


> Update.
> 
> Well we had another chat about things last night, she finally admitted that our of all her ex's, she had the strongest feelings for this guy. What I thought was a brief fling, happened over a year (not all sexual, but friendship, partying, kissing, sleeping together and finally the sex)
> 
> ...


Not only unfriend but block these folks on FB. 

Be aware some folks have multiple phones, email accounts and FB pages. Not saying she does but this can happen. Perhaps this just went underground. Hopeffully not.

I don't even like the meeting on the street. So if they meet on the street it is one thing to say hi but another to then go have lunch or a drink. I would make that boundary firmer. Like a casual hi is ok but sgut id down immediately. No extended chats or going anywhere then or at another time. No exchanging of contact information.

I could see the above being used as plausible denial fif caught with someone else. "Oh we ran into one another on the street so we went for drinks ...".

It looks like your wife was pursuing him. This was not a one way deal. But even if it was it was inappropriate for her to accept his contact. He is her favorite EX lover. NFW.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Entropy3000 said:


> *Not only unfriend but block these folks on FB. *
> 
> Be aware some folks have multiple phones, email accounts and FB pages. Not saying she does but this can happen. Perhaps this just went underground. Hopeffully not.
> 
> ...


Yup! And regarding the FB blocking...even if she were to "un-block" him, she can't block him again right away. There is a waiting period. Found that out when *I* unblocked my husband's OW briefly. I unblocked her from my page, not his...and had to wait to block again. Was the longest waiting period ever!



iheartlife said:


> Two thoughts--
> 
> did you get the facebook download, which will show messages and chats that are not on the page but are private, and that were deleted? Trust, but verify. When that hair on the back of your neck stands up, like it did last night, ignore it at your peril. Edited to say, *I'm not so sure any more that facebook downloads get you all the info. you gravely need.* sorry about that.
> 
> I hope that 'bumping into him on the street' isn't taken too literally. You'd be surprised how rationalization of a fantasy escape works in the mind of someone pondering cheating. "But you _said_, it's okay if I bump into him on the street!"


I just did the download thing the other day. Not sure if it's because she was blocked or what, but none of the information on his download showed the conversations with her. None. But it gave me an idea of how to keep track of my son, at least!


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Been in this situation myself and I did the same thing as you did (roughly). A preemptive strike is the best thing you can do, as long as you suspect something is amiss. Don't let "You don't trust me" or "Your controlling" bother you. You did the right thing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Axolu said:


> She still thinks I was being unreasonable.
> 
> I don't think I was being irrational or unreasonable.


You did the absolute right thing that a husband is supposed to do: Protect your marriage. 

Take it from a guy who's wife reconnected with an ex boyfriend from over 20+ years ago thru facebook. The good thing is you found out about it in time and was able to nip it in the bud before it got really serious. I didn't, and only found out when she was in the stages of making plans to leave our then 21 year marriage and kids for this guy from her past.

The more you look on the net about this subject, the more you'll learn that this is happening more and more often. Re-connecting with an ex lover/sweetheart is very rarely a good thing, especially when one is married. 

In your case, this ex-boyfriend of hers isnt that far away. When people re-connect after so many years, it can turn serious in a very short amount of time, which it does in many cases. What you need to discuss with her is what boundaries you both should have concerning facebook and other social media sites. Ex-lovers/sweethearts should always be off limits.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Axolu said:


> So I spoke to my wife about my feelings, and her opinon was that I was being irrational, why shouldn't I trust her etc.
> 
> Then a day or so later *she reminded me that we met the same guy in a pub a few years ago, and he'd given her his phone number and asked her to call him so they could meet up* (and she was quite up for going to meet him). I wasn't happy about that, and we argued a bit about it, but she eventually agreed with me and threw the number away.
> 
> ...


Always trust your gut!

My opinion based on personal experience and what is written all over this forum is that women frequently do not set out to cheat or have any conscious intent to be sneaky when they reestablish contact with an ex, yet it frequently gets out of control very quickly. Most especially I agree with the last sentence of yours bolded above, _I don't trust the motives of an ex-bf_!

This guy approached her and wanted them to meet up. Very very suspicious and very inappropriate imo for him to seek meeting alone with your wife.

Did you know he was an ex of your wife at the time?

I think there may be something simmering under the surface with your wife in terms of your marriage missing something. Yes she may have been innocently looking up old friends on the internet while you were overseas, but it is indicative of an unhappiness.

As far as her thinking you are unreasonable about wanting her to unfriend someone from FB, she is entitled to that opinion. My wife still has anger at me for asking her to unfriend an ex (I lovingly refer to him as Ass Clown) from FB a year ago. My spidey sense said this guy is fishing for another taste and he presents a real threat to my marriage. They dated over 30 years ago.

Too bad if your wife doesn't like your position on this ex. She can choose you or she can choose him, but she can't have both.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Axolu said:


> This guy played her back when they were involved and eventually rejected her. Why would she then feel any reason to get in contact with him? And say he was a great friend etc etc.
> 
> Unless she still has feelings for him.


She may or may not still have feelings for him. The explanation which I jump to across the interwebs based only on what you wrote and my own biases is that she may be drawn to try to succeed where she failed. It is a common relationship dynamic that we try to succeed in our next relationship where we failed in the past. For example, if a parent is cold to us as a child, we may unknowingly seek out a partner when we grow up who is similarly cold because we are trying to fix the failed relationship with that parent.

So wrt this ex, your wife might be drawn to try to prove that she was actually worthy of him after all. Since he dumped her she wants to show him he was wrong. And since he has approached her a couple of times now, she may feel he is accepting her rather than rejecting her.

Dangerous territory!


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

You're uncomfortable with it, and that should be enough for your wife to have absolutely no contact with him. Given what you've told us here, I don't think you're being at all irrational.


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## Axolu (May 16, 2012)

Thanks again for the replies, didn't expect so many nor the support and advice I've been given, it means a lot.

We spent the weekend in the country at a friends place, no PC, bad mobile signal and escaped for 48 hours which was great. I'm going to keep an eye on communications still, but we've laid some ground rules and removed ex's from FB which has put my mind at rest. 

If nothing else it's made me realise my wife and I need more time together, and not to be complacent in my marriage. I'm reading the 5 love languages book which I am finding useful and starting to put into practice - I can see times where I've spoken the right langauge in the past, but also the wrong one, and my wife likewise. Hopefully she'll read it and find it useful too. 

Ax


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

:smthumbup:

Also check His Needs / Her Needs and Love Busters. The first book is just excellent, after 5 Love Languages you will see how great a book it is. You'll want to give it to other young marrieds. Love Busters is sort of the opposite of His Needs and 5 Love Languages, and helps you avoid giving love with one hand and removing it with the other.


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