# Considering divorce



## Chantelle93 (Nov 12, 2021)

I’ve been married for 8 years and I think I’m at the point that I need to walk away. We’ve had mostly a troubled marriage with very few good times
The last eight months or so have been probably the worst throughout our marriage. I have been lucky enough to continue working throughout the pandemic and he got really upset with the fact that I managed to keep my job and was actually bring home more money because I had the time to pick up extra hours so it caused a big rift because I was now earning more than him and I wasn’t as stressed with the reduction in my travel to and from work. 
In the beginning of our marriage (19yr) we had quite alot of things in common but over the years I lost who I was. My husband is very possessive and I have very few friends because I can’t go out and see them without him guilting me for it or verbally abusing me after the fact. My husband also has no interest in me as a person and my goals or my job or anything I do. Over the years I’ve learnt not to bring up my work even when I just need to talk because he has said he doesn’t care - this has caused me to be very withdrawn even from my family and I’m extremely lonely. I am now the higher earner, pay all of the household bills, manage the whole household and still buy things for him and it’s gotten so bad he doesn’t even thank me. I don’t do this for the thanks but me doing literally everything from working 50+ Hr per week in health, to cleaning, washing, pet care, cooking & shopping - I just would like a little appreciation. The last straw for me was when we went out for dinner in on the way home I made an offhanded comment about a house we drove past and he made me repeat what I said until I change the words to something that he felt more comfortable with me saying and told me I can’t talk in that sort of manner around him and then got in my face when I said that I should be able to speak how I want without any issue when it wasn’t about him. 
I can’t be myself with him, I can’t talk about my day or things I want to do or see my friends. I recently started an online qualification and I got accused of cheating because I wouldn’t be around him during class.

while this all sounds ****ty, he sometimes does try and it makes me feel like I am asking too much when I ask for him to do anything in the house or help with bills.
I’m worried that i won’t know how to function without him and that I all damaged goods that I may be divorced before im 30. I’m stuck because I want to try make it work even though I know he won’t make the effort but I also don’t want to keep wasting my life.

Any advise ?


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Let’s see. You have a good job, you are capable of running a home doing all the cooking, cleaning, laundry and pet care and you wonder how you could manage on your own?
Not having an abusive bully to take care of would be the main advantage in my opinion. Also at your age there are a lot of kind, decent men who would love to have a partner like you and would treat you with the kindness and respect you deserve. 
Divorce this asshole you were unfortunate enough to marry and start living your life like you want to.


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## Chantelle93 (Nov 12, 2021)

Andy1001 said:


> Let’s see. You have a good job, you are capable of running a home doing all the cooking, cleaning, laundry and pet care and you wonder how you could manage on your own?
> Not having an abusive bully to take care of would be the main advantage in my opinion. Also at your age there are a lot of kind, decent men who would love to have a partner like you and would treat you with the kindness and respect you deserve.
> Divorce this asshole you were unfortunate enough to marry and start living your life like you want to.


Thank you ! I just don’t want to feel like a failure because I couldn’t make it work.


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## MarmiteC (Jun 28, 2021)

Hi Chantelle,

Is this behaviour new since he lost work, or has it always been there?


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## Chantelle93 (Nov 12, 2021)

MarmiteC said:


> Hi Chantelle,
> 
> Is this behaviour new since he lost work, or has it always been there?


He’s always been this way towards me. He had massive anger issues before I even met him but I married him anyways. He’s never physically hurt me but I do get shouted at and name called almost daily. The most embarrassing time happened at his families house and he was screaming at me infront of his sister claiming I had insulted him and she turned around and said I didn’t do anything to him and had no right to carry on like that. Unfortunately I was blamed for that too when going home.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Chantelle93 said:


> Thank you ! I just don’t want to feel like a failure because I couldn’t make it work.


One person can't make a marriage work. It takes both actively participating and your husband behaves like a spoiled child. Honestly, you have no idea how good a marriage can be when both partners pull their weight. 

Do not get pregnant! Or, you will be stuck with this jerk for the rest of your life even if you do get a divorce.


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## Chantelle93 (Nov 12, 2021)

Blondilocks said:


> One person can't make a marriage work. It takes both actively participating and your husband behaves like a spoiled child. Honestly, you have no idea how good a marriage can be when both partners pull their weight.
> 
> Do not get pregnant! Or, you will be stuck with this jerk for the rest of your life even if you do get a divorce.


Ha! No chance in that - I’ve already been shamed for wanting to be intimate with him anyways


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Chantelle93 said:


> Ha! No chance in that - I’ve already been shamed for wanting to be intimate with him anyways


Why are you still with him? Seriously, you don't have a marriage. You are a live-in nanny and housekeeper. Don't ever cave to that nonsense about changing what you say to suit him. That's horseshit. He's a bully and lazy to boot.


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## MarmiteC (Jun 28, 2021)

Blondilocks said:


> Why are you still with him? Seriously, you don't have a marriage. You are a live-in nanny and housekeeper. Don't ever cave to that nonsense about changing what you say to suit him. That's horseshit. He's a bully and lazy to boot.


What are you fearful of by leaving?


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## Chantelle93 (Nov 12, 2021)

MarmiteC said:


> What are you fearful of by leaving?


Because I’m almost 30, I have no close family, and very few friends. Besides my work, I don’t have anything else besides him. And also when you hear the negative things about you all the time, that stuff sticks with you and I end up feeling like I expect too much or I’m being unreasonable


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Most people don't get married until at least late 20s anymore, anyway. I'd leave 100%


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## MarmiteC (Jun 28, 2021)

Chantelle93 said:


> Because I’m almost 30, I have no close family, and very few friends. Besides my work, I don’t have anything else besides him. And also when you hear the negative things about you all the time, that stuff sticks with you and I end up feeling like I expect too much or I’m being unreasonable


You sound like a highly capable person Chantelle. I am in the same boat, my family are far away and my few friends also. But it's not as lonely as it might seem, and there are ways to make sure you're not lonely. 
I was as lonely in my marriage, so I figured better at least to be lonely without the obligation of doing what someone else expected of me.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Chantelle93 said:


> I’m worried that i won’t know how to function without him and that I all damaged goods that I may be divorced before im 30. I’m stuck because I want to try make it work even though I know he won’t make the effort but I also don’t want to keep wasting my life.


Before about age 25 humans think primarily with their amygdala, the emotion center of the brain. At around age 25 the brain finishes wiring itself and we began using the pre-frontal cortex, the logic center. You selected a mate at 19. This is literally +/- 6 years before your brain fully matured. And this is the reason divorce is more common among those that marry young. In an era where divorce is the end of about half of all marriages and the average age of divorce is 30 I am sure you won't be seen as "damaged goods". Jeeze, it's not 1950.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Chantelle93 said:


> Because I’m almost 30, I have no close family, and very few friends. Besides my work, I don’t have anything else besides him. And also when you hear the negative things about you all the time, that stuff sticks with you and I end up feeling like I expect too much or I’m being unreasonable


Just think - when he isn't around, you won't be hearing negative things about yourself. You might even develop some friendships who wouldn't have materialized because your husband is a negative nancy. This guy brings nothing but negativity to the marriage. He is a deficit in the register of your life.


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## justaguylookingforhelp (Nov 4, 2021)

Chantelle93 said:


> Thank you ! I just don’t want to feel like a failure because I couldn’t make it work.


It isn't your failure, it is his. And, for good or bad, relationships fail all the time. Anyone who judges you for your marriage falling apart through no fault of your own isn't worth having in your life anyway. I think you'll find you'll be much happier than you think once you start to move on. I am going through a divorce now and thought a lot of the same things you do now (worried about loneliness, how to manage, etc.) and those thoughts went away pretty quickly. Getting out of a toxic relationship was the best thing I've done. You can do it too and you'll be fine.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

Kids complicate everything and I don't hear any mention of kids....

This is uncomplicated....Just move on and be glad you aren't trying to figure out how best to raise kids...Which brings up another issue...If we assume you dont have kids, then don't you want to explore that possibility? You sure wont want to with this guy, and your best years for childbirth will soon start winding down...I wouldnt waste more time...


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Chantelle93 said:


> Thank you ! I just don’t want to feel like a failure because I couldn’t make it work.


You can’t “make” someone else be a good marriage partner. 

And more importantly, you can’t make someone be a good partner no matter how great of a partner you are.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

First thing, it’s actually him that’s worried about not functioning without you - that’s his fear being acted out by you. You’re capable. Given his possessiveness, and reluctance to actually give anything to you back, I would say all this combined is to make you feel weak and like you can’t live without him. (You can. This is like Stockholm Syndrome. You’re just used to the prison, and you become unable to leave it. Or like the mouse that repeatedly gets the electric shock, and needs to feel the shock) 

So the first step is that you MUST reconnect with your family and friends. This is imperative to your health. I would also go back to that course. His behaviour will escalate and the accusations will start again. But you must reconnect with them, and also start talking about this. Again, this is a common tactic to weaken you, and then you yourself stop seeing people yourself. You see how it works? He can probably innocently sat, ‘I never stopped you seeing anyone, you yourself don’t want to see anyone’. Because you know that the more you connect with your loved ones, that urge to speak will start consuming you. As well as the realisation that what you’re living isn’t normal. 

I have to now ask, from either side, has their also been any infidelity, even a close friendship from the opposite sex? Given how you describe the situation, if you’re unable to even see family and friends, I will assume you wouldn’t even consider a male friend or flirting. 

Does he have someone else? How is his behaviour around other women, and other people in general?


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## Chantelle93 (Nov 12, 2021)

Luckylucky said:


> First thing, it’s actually him that’s worried about not functioning without you - that’s his fear being acted out by you. You’re capable. Given his possessiveness, and reluctance to actually give anything to you back, I would say all this combined is to make you feel weak and like you can’t live without him. (You can. This is like Stockholm Syndrome. You’re just used to the prison, and you become unable to leave it. Or like the mouse that repeatedly gets the electric shock, and needs to feel the shock)
> 
> So the first step is that you MUST reconnect with your family and friends. This is imperative to your health. I would also go back to that course. His behaviour will escalate and the accusations will start again. But you must reconnect with them, and also start talking about this. Again, this is a common tactic to weaken you, and then you yourself stop seeing people yourself. You see how it works? He can probably innocently sat, ‘I never stopped you seeing anyone, you yourself don’t want to see anyone’. Because you know that the more you connect with your loved ones, that urge to speak will start consuming you. As well as the realisation that what you’re living isn’t normal.
> 
> ...


He did cheat on my birthday when i was 21, and then I found out yesterday that he is all over the dating profile stuff, and Snapchat.
Im not allowed male friends, and if i have a work function, I have to explain who every person is, and why I have to deal with them.
Him & his mother have a terrible relationship but otherwise, I dont know


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