# He Always Has to Initiate..



## OliveAdventure (Nov 23, 2011)

Don't get me wrong, I am all into intimacy.. I just get scared when I want to be the one to start it because I feel like I'm going to be rejected.. I have been rejected by him in the past (once was after a fight and he got emotional saying that's all i wanted from him)... Anyways, now I'm too scared to come onto him!! How do I get past this?? I want him to feel wanted.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

How many time has he rejected you sexually?

over the years how many times have you rejected him sexually?

intimacy is scary sometime but its worth it sometimes


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

I understand! It is a surprisingly difficult thing when you have been repeatedly refused.

Have you discussed it with your husband?

One strategy is to do alternating weeks. One week is your responsibility to initiate at least X times. Once, twice, whatever you two agree is the right number of times to have sex. He cannot refuse you except for unusual circumstances such as legitimate illness. Then the next week is his turn and you cannot refuse him except for unusual circumstances.

Another option is to change how you initiate. If you ask verbally, switch to a non-verbal method, and vice versa.

My wife refused me many times, and in a way that fed into my toxic shame issues, so I learned not to initiate. Now we are working on things and our relationship is vastly improved. Yet I find the same thought patterns when I think about initiating. I start off thinking about sex, but by the time there is an opportunity to initiate I have convinced myself of all the reasons she really doesn't want sex. I am making up the refusal in my own mind.

Are you doing anything like this? Are you aware of your thought patterns and specific fears? You may find a way to shut down the negative thoughts.

Remember, Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway! What is the worst case? What are you really fearing?


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## OliveAdventure (Nov 23, 2011)

Thor, thank you for your suggestion. I connected with the verbal method you mentioned. 

I only am afraid because of the intensity of rejection he has presented. Not his fault, but hurt me none the less. 

And to be honest, he has only rejected me a few times but they were pretty bad. During really weird times in our relationship.


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## bellamaxjoy (Oct 27, 2011)

My husband recently had a mid life crisis, EA. Since then I have wanted it more than usual, and since he has ED sometimes he doesnt respond as well as he wants ( I think, he has not said) I ask for it pretty much, and am lucky to get it once a week. It not only is starting to lead to frustration, it is leading me to question if he really is back in this with me. I know he is not carrying on, but he said some terribly hurtful things during the worst of our fighting. 
One time I said something, asked him basically why he was acting totally uninterested, and he said, it feels like too much pressure. I said, I can only think there are many men who would like that pressure, and that I didnt understand. I still dont. I am 48 and we have been together since my late teens. I love him and want this marriage, he is on anti depressants and seems like he is feeling better. He agreed to IC, we went to MC, but he really needs to be able to talk to a counselor himself. So all the right steps seem to be there, but the affection is nil. Now we never were totally sex maniacs or anything, and when the kids were younger ect, things were different. But I am starting to feel bad, and wonder if he really wants this marriage. sorryl.......


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## OliveAdventure (Nov 23, 2011)

Bellamax, that must be hard to go through especially because you have been with him so long. 

I wish I had some advice to shoot your way, but I don't have much experience there.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

bellamaxjoy said:


> My husband recently had a mid life crisis, EA. Since then I have wanted it more than usual, and since he has ED sometimes he doesnt respond as well as he wants ( I think, he has not said) I ask for it pretty much, and am lucky to get it once a week. It not only is starting to lead to frustration, it is leading me to question if he really is back in this with me. I know he is not carrying on, but he said some terribly hurtful things during the worst of our fighting.
> One time I said something, asked him basically why he was acting totally uninterested, and he said, it feels like too much pressure. I said, I can only think there are many men who would like that pressure, and that I didnt understand. I still dont. I am 48 and we have been together since my late teens. I love him and want this marriage, he is on anti depressants and seems like he is feeling better. He agreed to IC, we went to MC, but he really needs to be able to talk to a counselor himself. So all the right steps seem to be there, but the affection is nil. Now we never were totally sex maniacs or anything, and when the kids were younger ect, things were different. But I am starting to feel bad, and wonder if he really wants this marriage. sorryl.......



While I can't speak to the issues with the EA, I would recommend getting him to a doctor for a check up. Assuming he is at the same age you are, his drive and his testosterone may be lowered. Anti-depressants can also cause problems. Wrapping that up with ED, where he is not sure that he can follow through if he initiates, and he may just have decided that not starting things is the way to go.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Definitely have him see a doc. The ED meds are a miracle.


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## square1 (Oct 31, 2011)

I'm having this problem as well. Used to be fine if I tried to initiate both verbal and non verbal and it lead to sex great if not then no big deal but then he developed a porn addiction and for 6 months every time I tried to have sex I was rejected. When i found out why I was crushed. My self esteem went right down the toilet I felt ugly unwanted unattractive etc. He has since given up porn but I am still finding it difficult to bring myself to initiate sex with him. I want to and in my mind I plan it out but then chicken out because in my mind i tell myself he probably looked at porn and masturbated and will just tell me not now. I know he hasnt looked at porn during these times but i cant seem to stop the thought process because of those 6 months of being rejected. He has told me he wants me to initiate more and i explained my problem he understands but wants me to work on it. And i want to work on it. He worked on his problem and hasn't looked at porn since April so i need/have to work on this.


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## bellamaxjoy (Oct 27, 2011)

He uses ED meds, but they are expensive. He changed antideppresants because the lexapro made it worse. He is now on Pretiq and it is helping him feel better. unfortunatly, his doctor says the low T is being pushed by drug companys and doesnt prescribe it. I want to be understanding, but I need more than I am getting now, and I dont want to hurt or pressure him.....just gonna give it time........thank you tho~


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

I believe that men are still old fashioned and believe they have to initiate it and not be refused. The real question is how often do you refuse him. That leads men to other outlets. Once he goes there he doesnt come back so quickly. I repeat it seems everyone here is on some sort of drug that cant be right. Its best if you dont initiate it directly but make him know that you want him.


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

square1 said:


> I'm having this problem as well. Used to be fine if I tried to initiate both verbal and non verbal and it lead to sex great if not then no big deal but then he developed a porn addiction and for 6 months every time I tried to have sex I was rejected. When i found out why I was crushed. My self esteem went right down the toilet I felt ugly unwanted unattractive etc. He has since given up porn but I am still finding it difficult to bring myself to initiate sex with him. I want to and in my mind I plan it out but then chicken out because in my mind i tell myself he probably looked at porn and masturbated and will just tell me not now. I know he hasnt looked at porn during these times but i cant seem to stop the thought process because of those 6 months of being rejected. He has told me he wants me to initiate more and i explained my problem he understands but wants me to work on it. And i want to work on it. He worked on his problem and hasn't looked at porn since April so i need/have to work on this.



I am going through the porn issue right now, and post EA ( 2 months ago) He normally wanted it constantly before and during the EA... Now since he is hooked on the porn, he isn't interested,,,, at least not with me... He takes lots of meds which limits his "time" of performance. ( at least what we feel is the issue).


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## square1 (Oct 31, 2011)

Numb in Ohio said:


> I am going through the porn issue right now, and post EA ( 2 months ago) He normally wanted it constantly before and during the EA... Now since he is hooked on the porn, he isn't interested,,,, at least not with me... He takes lots of meds which limits his "time" of performance. ( at least what we feel is the issue).


It sucks to go thru this. And not sure what meds he is on but do they affect his self performance? My husband tried to tell me it was his BP meds that was causing our sex life problems (before I discovered how much porn he was viewing) and i believed him. Until I found all the porn sites. He was able to get it up 4+x a day for masturbation to porn but barely able to get an erection to have sex with me. He would have to touch himself alot to get a semi erection and during sex stop to masturbate to keep it up. He would also view a little porn right before sex to try and help him get an erection. Once he cut out the porn I would say roughly 2 weeks later he was able to get a full erection without any manual stimulation which he wasn't able to do before during the 6 months of constant porn viewing, yet he was still on the same BP meds. So it wasnt the BP meds.


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

Square1

Thanks for the info.. I have no clue actually how long the porn thing has been going on.. I have only unknowing to him, been able to access his computer in the last couple months. 

He does take BP meds,, blood thinners, arthritis and gout meds, he had Afib so takes heart pills for that, he has a kidney disorder so takes water pills also. I think it's like a total of like 11 pills a day.

BUT,,, he has even tried Viagra and another pill, and it doesn't seem to help, so I think it's a mixture of both. But i think a lot of it is the porn,, anymore I think the porn is on his mind while our "making love" if that's what you want to call it.


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## bellamaxjoy (Oct 27, 2011)

I have never refused my husband, and am always a willing and enthusistic partner!


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## OliveAdventure (Nov 23, 2011)

And here I am. Sitting angrily.. and pouting. 

I want him. I didn't tell him. He had no idea. and he left for lunch and it made me mad. 

All I can think is. . . I should have tried but what if he was unable to again? 

Ugh


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