# Narcissistic husband



## Stassie (Mar 11, 2021)

Hi I am 26 years old alot of you will probably tell me that I am a baby still and that everything will get better .... well I got married 2 years ago I have been with him for 3 and this Friday is our 2nd year of beign married ... no he has not cheated on me but he has left a couple times ... he left the first time while I was at work cleared the apartment and left we fixed it somehow.... then this time did it again ... but to his parents up in the middle of nowhere... he plays mind games. He is 2 hours away from me now and it's been 3 weeks since this happened. He wants Me to now move up there drop everything that I have here including the fact that I am in nursing school. I am depressed, crying all the time and I can't take it anymore. He has torn me down he tries to control me so much on what I can wear on who to talk too.... I think he thinks this is just a stupid fight that I will forgive and move on ... and I can't anymore I am going to file for divorce I am drained .. heartbroken.. I don't deserve this. I wanted my marriage and I still do but I can't have someone treat me this way anymore. So yes he left but I guess I am pulling the trigger... I hope I can be okay again . I love him ...


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

File. Being with a narcissist is unbearable. Be glad he’s far away now. Do not move. Do not quit school - stay on track with your own goals!

Hopefully you don’t have kids with him.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

I am never sure entirely what a narcissist is (I believe there is narcissism in a great many people according to current definitions), but he sounds like a self-entitled bully and an idiot. What were (if any) the good points about him when you married him? Else you need to drop him like a hot potato!


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## Stassie (Mar 11, 2021)

Beach123 said:


> File. Being with a narcissist is unbearable. Be glad he’s far away now. Do not move. Do not quit school - stay on track with your own goals!
> 
> Hopefully you don’t have kids with him.


I had a misscarriage a year ago .... he was very mean to me and I am sure emotional abused played a role in to me loosing the baby . So no we have no kids I am about to get my Rn and bsn in nursing. For the first 2 weeks he was gone he kept coming down to see me he has not since... and he tries to say he will to control me into not doing things or seeing my friends and then last minute he says he can't come . I try to ignore when he brings it up so it dosent hurt me more . I told him to please not tell me he will come and then not come see me . It hurts . But he keeps doing it so I really don't know how else to handle that because ignoring has not worked. I don't even ask him to come see me I just ask to stop getting my hopes up.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

What was the situation that preceded him leaving? What was the fight about? Sounds like he is a drama queen and is trying to manipulate you into ignoring his childish behavior.


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## Stassie (Mar 11, 2021)

manfromlamancha said:


> I am never sure entirely what a narcissist is (I believe there is narcissism in a great many people according to current definitions), but he sounds like a self-entitled bully and an idiot. What were (if any) the good points about him when you married him? Else you need to drop him like a hot potato!


We met dancing country I love to dance.. he proposed to me at Disneyland.. when he was loving and caring he was the greatest husband. But when he was mean and like this he was the worst person alive . There was two sides of him . He would buy me flowers every week. He put a loan against his car so he could get me a stereo that I wanted. He would made sure when I was sick to not let me do anything but feel better and him take care of the rest.We were inseparable. Always together . He would turn on my car in the morning so I wouldn't get in a cold car.. and as I type this seems like there was more bad then good. The last thing he did was be there for me through therapy because I had whiplash from a car accident for 3 months he never missed a day. But he has left so many times now and he dosent see divorce coming I don't know what he is thinking my life is shattered.. I just can't take it anymore I am tired.


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## Stassie (Mar 11, 2021)

happyhusband0005 said:


> What was the situation that preceded him leaving? What was the fight about? Sounds like he is a drama queen and is trying to manipulate you into ignoring his childish behavior.


Every time it will be I want a divorce for whatever stupid disagreement so I simply said okay and he got mad and said I didn't care to fight for my marriage. So yeah manipulation at its finest.. I mean I am not going to force him to stay he says that he leaves then he cools off and wants me back I just can't take it anymore and he doesn't like how people get involved in our marriage and put their 2 cents in . But these people see the toxic environment so they want to help . He is back to making it seen like we are not getting a divorce he is telling everyone we are not and that he left so I would follow him and move up there with him because he wants us away from the city.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

Stassie said:


> Hi I am 26 years old alot of you will probably tell me that I am a baby still and that everything will get better .... well I got married 2 years ago I have been with him for 3 and this Friday is our 2nd year of beign married ... no he has not cheated on me but he has left a couple times ... he left the first time while I was at work cleared the apartment and left we fixed it somehow.... then this time did it again ... but to his parents up in the middle of nowhere... he plays mind games. He is 2 hours away from me now and it's been 3 weeks since this happened. He wants Me to now move up there drop everything that I have here including the fact that I am in nursing school. I am depressed, crying all the time and I can't take it anymore. He has torn me down he tries to control me so much on what I can wear on who to talk too.... I think he thinks this is just a stupid fight that I will forgive and move on ... and I can't anymore I am going to file for divorce I am drained .. heartbroken.. I don't deserve this. I wanted my marriage and I still do but I can't have someone treat me this way anymore. So yes he left but I guess I am pulling the trigger... I hope I can be okay again . I love him ...


Go No contact Immediately. He is love-bombing and devaluing you at the same time to increase trauma bond. Pull the trigger and DO NOT look back. If you want resources to help you with this, let me know and I'd be happy to send them here. 

Narcs are crazy. My sister in law is one, it's no picnic. Can't imagine living with one. SMH.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Stassie said:


> I had a misscarriage a year ago .... he was very mean to me and I am sure emotional abused played a role in to me loosing the baby . So no we have no kids I am about to get my Rn and bsn in nursing. For the first 2 weeks he was gone he kept coming down to see me he has not since... and he tries to say he will to control me into not doing things or seeing my friends and then last minute he says he can't come . I try to ignore when he brings it up so it dosent hurt me more . I told him to please not tell me he will come and then not come see me . It hurts . But he keeps doing it so I really don't know how else to handle that because ignoring has not worked. I don't even ask him to come see me I just ask to stop getting my hopes up.


So I know you don't see this right now, but it is GOOD that he left. YOU will get better without his constant put downs and stress. In addition, DON'T worry if he will come down or not. Ignore that stuff. You make YOUR plans -- go see your friends, do what you want. If he ACTUALLY comes down and you are not there, well too bad for him.
DON'T get your "hopes" up -- your HOPES should be that he does NOT come to see you. You should just make the idea in your head that HE WILL NOT show up EVER. Live YOUR life. You may want to change the locks where you live since he left (not sure if you own a house together, or just rent, etc.) -- that way he can't just randomly walk in.
Concentrate on getting your degree completed, concentrate on YOUR life.

Why does ignoring not worked? YOU need to concentrate on OTHER things instead of him. If he sends BS texts, delete them and don't reply. Same with emails. If he calls, YOU decide if you want to talk at that time. If not, let it go to voice mail.

Think about what he did to you after you losing your baby -- is that REALLY a man you want to be with, love, and have kids with?

Honestly, can buying you flowers and warming up your car offset THAT treatment of you?


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

Threatening divorce over a stupid argument is trying to win a small skirmish by dropping a nuclear bomb. You filing might finally wake him up and get him to start working on changing his ways. I think it's more likely he will dig his heels in and get nasty, A true narcissist will never accept accountability and will blame everything on you so be prepared for that, you will just have to stick to your guns. If you give in it will only solidify for him that he can manipulate you with these behaviors.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

happyhusband0005 said:


> A true narcissist will never accept accountability and will blame everything on you so be prepared for that, you will just have to stick to your guns.


 🔝🔝 This!! She needs to file and never look back.


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## Stassie (Mar 11, 2021)

GC1234 said:


> Go No contact Immediately. He is love-bombing and devaluing you at the same time to increase trauma bond. Pull the trigger and DO NOT look back. If you want resources to help you with this, let me know and I'd be happy to send them here.
> 
> Narcs are crazy. My sister in law is one, it's no picnic. Can't imagine living with one. SMH.


Yes please get me help please


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

Stassie said:


> Yes please get me help please


You got it. I'll try to send you a private message, if I can figure it out. Also, don't feel bad, and don't feel stupid that you chose this type of partner. It's a lot more common than people think, sadly.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Well it sounds like he has many good qualities - quite possibly more good than bad, to be honest. However, he does sound like a petulant man-child and there is a great deal of growing up or maturing for him to do. He needs help in this department and certainly, a good counsellor could help him. This is what I believe needs to be done.


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## Stassie (Mar 11, 2021)

jlg07 said:


> So I know you don't see this right now, but it is GOOD that he left. YOU will get better without his constant put downs and stress. In addition, DON'T worry if he will come down or not. Ignore that stuff. You make YOUR plans -- go see your friends, do what you want. If he ACTUALLY comes down and you are not there, well too bad for him.
> DON'T get your "hopes" up -- your HOPES should be that he does NOT come to see you. You should just make the idea in your head that HE WILL NOT show up EVER. Live YOUR life. You may want to change the locks where you live since he left (not sure if you own a house together, or just rent, etc.) -- that way he can't just randomly walk in.
> Concentrate on getting your degree completed, concentrate on YOUR life.
> 
> ...


Thank you. What you just told me is making me see reality thank you so much ... I love him more than anything but I can't do this anymore I am not eating or sleeping and tomorrow is our anniversary I have no idea how I will get through it


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## Stassie (Mar 11, 2021)

happyhusband0005 said:


> Threatening divorce over a stupid argument is trying to win a small skirmish by dropping a nuclear bomb. You filing might finally wake him up and get him to start working on changing his ways. I think it's more likely he will dig his heels in and get nasty, A true narcissist will never accept accountability and will blame everything on you so be prepared for that, you will just have to stick to your guns. If you give in it will only solidify for him that he can manipulate you with these behaviors.


I don't have the address for his mom where he is staying but I have it for his work will the court take that and serve him there?


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## Stassie (Mar 11, 2021)

manfromlamancha said:


> Well it sounds like he has many good qualities - quite possibly more good than bad, to be honest. However, he does sound like a petulant man-child and there is a great deal of growing up or maturing for him to do. He needs help in this department and certainly, a good counsellor could help him. This is what I believe needs to be done.


Throwing my stuff because he told me to leave the apartment when I got covid is a good quality? I got cobid because I work with patients and I am exposed to it and he did nothing but treat me like I was nothing. When I got pregnat he had to go serve time in jail for a dui he lied that weekend because he was tired of fighting and I thought he was in jail and beign pregnat I was coping with when he never even went to jail he went to his moms. Telling Me that my marriage is more important than school . Leaving twice and clearing out the apartment then asking me to come back... removing the electric box so I wouldn't turn down the air when we would fight because he had told me to move out . Yelling at me when I would sit there and just cry. Calling him when I was pregnat for him just to be there and tell me he is to busy with work and now saying that I am the one making the decision to end it because I am not fighting for it? How can I... I am drained I am numb . I have wanted to hurt my self at times... so yeah how much more can I take .


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Stassie said:


> Throwing my stuff because he told me to leave the apartment when I got covid is a good quality? I got cobid because I work with patients and I am exposed to it and he did nothing but treat me like I was nothing. When I got pregnat he had to go serve time in jail for a dui he lied that weekend because he was tired of fighting and I thought he was in jail and beign pregnat I was coping with when he never even went to jail he went to his moms. Telling Me that my marriage is more important than school . Leaving twice and clearing out the apartment then asking me to come back... removing the electric box so I wouldn't turn down the air when we would fight because he had told me to move out . Yelling at me when I would sit there and just cry. Calling him when I was pregnat for him just to be there and tell me he is to busy with work and now saying that I am the one making the decision to end it because I am not fighting for it? How can I... I am drained I am numb . I have wanted to hurt my self at times... so yeah how much more can I take .


The good qualities I refer to came from you (your words not mine) and I must say it is a good list:


We met dancing country I love to dance
he proposed to me at Disneyland
when he was loving and caring he was the greatest husband
He would buy me flowers every week
He put a loan against his car so he could get me a stereo that I wanted
He would made sure when I was sick to not let me do anything but feel better and him take care of the rest
We were inseparable. Always together
He would turn on my car in the morning so I wouldn't get in a cold car
The last thing he did was be there for me through therapy because I had whiplash from a car accident for 3 months he never missed a day.
The petulant, childish behaviour - throwing tantrums and stuff, acting petty and mean - not so much! And this is what he needs help with. He may be a narcissist - I don't know (not an expert on this) but I do know he needs help - even if you decide to leave.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

Stassie said:


> Throwing my stuff because he told me to leave the apartment when I got covid is a good quality? I got cobid because I work with patients and I am exposed to it and he did nothing but treat me like I was nothing. When I got pregnat he had to go serve time in jail for a dui he lied that weekend because he was tired of fighting and I thought he was in jail and beign pregnat I was coping with when he never even went to jail he went to his moms. Telling Me that my marriage is more important than school . Leaving twice and clearing out the apartment then asking me to come back... removing the electric box so I wouldn't turn down the air when we would fight because he had told me to move out . Yelling at me when I would sit there and just cry. Calling him when I was pregnat for him just to be there and tell me he is to busy with work and now saying that I am the one making the decision to end it because I am not fighting for it? How can I... I am drained I am numb . I have wanted to hurt my self at times... so yeah how much more can I take .


How long were you guys dating before he proposed?


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

Stassie said:


> I don't have the address for his mom where he is staying but I have it for his work will the court take that and serve him there?


Just let your lawyer deal with having him served, they will know what to do.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Stassie said:


> Thank you. What you just told me is making me see reality thank you so much ... I love him more than anything but I can't do this anymore I am not eating or sleeping and tomorrow is our anniversary I have no idea how I will get through it


You will get through it by just doing one step at a time. Do what you have to/are supposed to do tomorrow.
If HE is so interested, HE will make an overture about it. You should think about if you want to deal with that or not. If you don't and are too hurt (COMPLETELY understandable) then DON'T! Don't answer his texts/phone calls or the door (if you decide to deal with it that way). Nothing wrong with that.
Anniversaries are a celebration of something -- right now, it doesn't seem like you want to celebrate this marriage (and the way HE is acting now, he probably doesn't either but may try to do something to manipulate you).


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## Stassie (Mar 11, 2021)

GC1234 said:


> How long were you guys dating before he proposed?


A year and half


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## Stassie (Mar 11, 2021)

manfromlamancha said:


> The good qualities I refer to came from you (your words not mine) and I must say it is a good list:
> 
> 
> We met dancing country I love to dance
> ...


I know it is just destroying me and I honestly appreciate you guys listening to me I am glad I found this community I needed women to speak to so bad and no one can really understand me and most of my friends go get drunk and party and that is not what I need right now I just need people to talk too


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

Stassie said:


> A year and half


Ok, so not an unusual time frame. Usually narcs are quick to propose. It's a whirlwind, they usually rush into it.


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