# Feeling deceived



## lonelyandlostman (Sep 27, 2015)

So I fell in love and married a beautiful and interesting woman. When we met we had a connection that was strait out of a romance novel. She paid attention to me and listened to every word I said and paid attention like I was the most important thing in her world. She would do little things like matching my strides and matching my breathing when we would lie together. We had our own language where we would squeeze each other’s hands, and could have entire conversations without speaking a word. The sex was wonderful and eager and we did everything we could to please each other. She had lived in a small house with her family and had "moved” into my apartment before I knew what happened. Just one day I came home to a cooked dinner and great sex and love. She worked part time and I worked full time and before I knew it I wanted to be with this beautiful loving, attentive, sexual, and interesting woman I had met. To this day I can still remember every little part of the heaven I lived in. So I asked her to marry me. 

Now we have been married for 14 years and have a wonderful 8 year old child. After the first she did not want to have a second and wants to adapt. Things have changed in a way I did not see coming and am not sure how to deal with so won’t adapt as I don’t want to take responsibility for another child when I am not sure I want to stay. So now on my last leg about to give up I look to you, the nameless people out there looking for help. 

about a year after we met I was blissfully married and could not have been happier, but that changed just months after I said I do. She became bitter and complained about everything. I rented a house that was bigger than the one she grew up in and got her horse stabled at a top of the line stable for big money. Somehow she just found little things to be unhappy about. She complained that she hated the stove we had so I got her a new one, she complained about the house I offered to move. There was no making her happy. Before long she started vanishing till the wee hours of the morning to the barn and would not return my calls. She would flip out saying I was oppressing her when I wanted to know where she was when she finally returned home, I was sure she was cheating on me. The sex just stopped and when it did happen it was completely one sided. She refused to work anymore and got fired on purpose , and would not help around the house anymore. After about six months I had enough and told her I had made a mistake and wanted out. I told her to pack her **** and go home. 

Immediately she said she was sorry and the sex got better right away. I decided to give her another chance and moved us into a real nice apartment complex closer to her mom’s house. Things got way better and she started treating me like a man again and everything was happy once again. The happy wife lasted for about a year. I had always been one of the top workers wherever I went I climbing the ladder quickly working at least 60 hours a week to keep her comfy. I have always stayed in good shape and thought that it was my responsibility to maintain myself to take care of her and to keep her interested in me. So it bothered me when she just stopped doing anything but eating and sitting around and started to gain a lot of weight. I did not know what to do and tried to broach the subject once or twice but to no avail as it just pissed her off and I just gave up and accepted the fact that she was going to just be big. I felt like I had receive a bait and switch. Before long our sex life dried up again and I was unhappy with it, and at the same time the bitter angry woman came back. I was about to give up on her when she got pregnant. I was over joyed and as an added bonus her sex drive became almost insatiable and sex was incredible. At around the same time I had gotten my degree and gotten a professional job that I loved, and she was proud of my accomplishments again and I could not have been happier. 

Then in a whirlwind of bad events I lost my job because I failed to do an assignment and behaved like a child when I was reprimanded, this lead to my getting fired. To make this even worse I had just bought a home and had a child on the way. The sex stopped and the angry *****y woman came back over night. She not only would not support me in my darkest hour but let me know how this was all my fault and that she was thinking about leaving me. I looked around and the only thing I could do to give me a chance of getting back into the field I loved and support my family on short notice was join the military. She agreed that I should do it so we could make our mortgage. 

I found out later that she had planned on leaving me after all that had gone wrong and had only followed me because of the child. She joined me after boot camp and was very bitter and angry with the change in our financial and living conditions and she had to go back to work. She complained about her work every day and let me know that her discomfort was my fault. I was miserable, but at the same time our sex life was at its peak because of the pregnancy. We got through it and I took orders back to where we lived to make her happy. It didn't work. 

Since the day we got back to Washington she has stopped showing any interest in sex, and hardly gives me the time of day. I gave up on her doing anything to attract me, makeup, clothes, being fit, or even wanting to hear how my day went, my coworkers show me more affection. She feeds and takes good care of our son and listens to every word he says while ignoring me. I get so frustrated most days because she shows me no emotion or interest but claims to still love me. She doesn't even listen nor want to hear when I have a hard day, reacting with anger if I complain. All her love and attention goes to our 8 year old son. over the last five years she has driven me to the point of leaving her multiple times but when I finally break down in tears and tell her I an considering a divorce she always says she did not know I was being neglected sexually or emotionally and she starts to pay attention to me. Unfortunately every time the period of her trying gets shorter and shorter. Sex got so bad that I felt disgusted with myself whenever I had sex with her due to the fact that she made it obvious that it was an unwelcome inconvenience that she just wanted to be over. The weird thing is she does love me but not as a man. She shows no respect for me or what I do and honestly gives me so little of her attention that she will walk away mid conversation and profess to not remembering the conversation when I get mad. It feels like she just takes me for granted as an annoyance that lives with her that she has to put up with to get my money. 

The weird thing is I am a highly motivated man who is in the top 1% no matter what I do. I am hit on all the time at the gym or the bar because I am in excellent shape. I don't mention it to her because I don't want attention that way, but it seems she should show some interest. I have given her a huge house worth triple what others in this area cost and she has the best of everything. I helped her get her two horses over here and worked every available moment I had off, to fence her field, and raise her barn. I have given her every little whim or desire and even help around the house when I can. I work close to 90 hours a week when I'm not deployed and keep the house well maintained and the envy of the neiborhood so she can be proud. I supported her threw school and don't say anything as she keeps cutting down her hours, always looking for the easiest job she can get. She only works 4 days a week versus my 6-7 but has no time to keep up on her fitness, housekeeping, or me. She still loves me but she doesn't know me anymore, which is so painful because I can still read her and know her. I feel cheated as I have given everything and she is not willing to give me anything. It’s hard to describe but she will go and talk to almost anyone and she is all smiles and sunshine, then she comes home to me, and the change is stark, it’s all pissy and complaints. She never wants to be intimate because she had a bad day or our son was noisy, or the dishes are dirty. What I don't think she knows is that I see her purposely erect barriers between us when she knows I want sex. She will invite or son to bed or wait till the last minute to go to bed and then tell me she has to be up and cant. And when I do eventually angry and resentful she puts out but its always a quickie with an attitude of "Are you done yet". I have asked her fantasy and she claims she doesn't have any, and I have asked her to do things for my fantasies and she will agree to it next time, but next time never comes. Out of my requests I can’t recall one she has followed through on. They are simple things like foreplay and oral, or dirty talking, but shes just not willing. It’s gotten so bad that she doesn't even bother trying to buy me anything on birthdays or anniversary's but still expects something. My last birthday I received a gift, she got me a joke shirt that insulted my work ethic. She didn't mean to she just grabbed the top one from the pile while she was cloths shopping for our son. 

What it comes down to is she is lazy when it comes to me. She promises to do things but never delivers. If I ask her to do anything around the house it will only happen when I do it. We have lived in this house that was her dream for two years and she has not even unpacked completely yet. I have had to set up each room and buy furniture. I did not want the house we got, but it was her dream home so I got it for her. I decided to do everything I could to make this her castle, I landscaped the front yard making her flower gardens, and giving her a 40,000 sft yard and a play area for our son. I fenced the bottom 4 acres and cleared out all the brush and black berries so she could get her horses. All to make her happy so she would reciprocate the happiness. I landscaped the whole property and poured my love into it along with around $6,000.00 in plants and supplies. I went to sea and asked her to dedicate a few hours to weeding a week and to turn on the sprinklers every night. When I got home after three months it was all dead, all my hard work for nothing. She had not watered or weeded at all, instead she had went riding daily taking care of only her things. 

as an example about how bad her disregard is for my wellbeing, I almost killed myself fencing alone in the sun last summer. I was working alone as my wife was at the beach with some of her girlfriends. I hit myself across the head with the 80lb fence pounder while trying to force down a steel fence post, and cracked my skull open while working on the fence for her horses. I stumbled to the house leaving a thick blood trail and called the ambulance. But while waiting for the ambulance I called my wife who did not answer her phone. I texted her that I was hurt and had given myself a concussion but had called the ambulance. she texted back that concussions were dangerous and she would call every 15 minutes till she got home to check up on me. I told her not to worried too much the ambulance had said I just had a concussion. She returned home about four hours later and had not contacted me after the first text. She had forgotten while talking to her friends. When she got home she discovered that my head was split open and still bleeding and that I was suffering memory loss. I don’t remember much of that time but I do remember how hurt I was that she decided to continue hanging out with her friends and not rush home to check on me. This just shows how far down her priority’s I fall. 

I have asked her for years to see a doctor about her missing sex drive, she won’t. I have asked her to do things for my sake then, but she is only willing to do the minimum roughly twice a month. I have tried everything in my power. Every time I reach the point I am resentful ready to walk away I break down and tell her that things have to change or I'm leaving and she agrees to try whatever type of counseling or book I want. To that end we went to MC, but the councilor said she would have to meet me half way and she got mad and left. I have bought her books to read that discussed why I needed the sexual contact and to be respected in my home, so she could understand what I was trying to tell her but couldn’t get across, and she has not even read a single chapter. I tried to write down what I needed from her so she could see it and would remember, she has to date not done a single thing I requested either sexual or respect related. She will complain to me about her bad day but if I try to tell her about mine she will get angry and just ask for cliff notes. I'm in the Navy and she refuses to wear any navy pride related shirts I buy her but she wears an army pride shirt a friend gave her. She is not proud of me at all and that hurts because I have accomplished so much. She would not even take a day off work to come watch me reenlist and receive a commendation medal for exemplary duties. I didn’t want to reenlist as I hate working 80+ hours a week and leaving her every three months to go to sea, but I did it so we can afford her heaven. I live in hell so she can live in heaven and she is content, and I am lonely. 

Long story short I love my wife and want to stay with her but cant stand having no respect. The worst part is I don’t even think she realizes all the harm she does to me. Most days it just feels like I am an outsider in my own house. She has actually been trying again as I told her that I wanted to look outside the relationship for physical satisfaction but she still just gives me the bare minimum she can get away with. About the only time I am guaranteed sex if I am going out to a bar she has sex with me to ensure I won’t have cravings when away. That’s just so messed up that she only sustains me when I might stray. It’s like she starves me till I go to the neibours house then she feeds me so as not to risk me eating there. 

I am not ashamed to say I am crying as I write this in the middle of the night because I can’t sleep again. The sad thing is I know that there are hundreds of women out there that would gladly give me what I want and mre just to have a man like me, and she takes me for granted. What this all comes down to is I feel that when I agreed to marry her she was paying me at the gold standard, and once I was married it dropped to the silver, and after a year she just pays me enough to keep me from starving while ignoring my suffering. The sunny, skinny, respectful, worshiping, romantic woman I married is gone and I have a complaining, unsatisfied disdainful woman who doesn't think I am her problem instead. 
After writing this I think I am a fool for sticking around as long as I have. When I swore to be with no other I kind of assumed I would still be receiving love and respect from her. I think the question is do I just step out on her and steal my happiness, or do I just get a divorce. I will never marry again if I do. 

Recently she did start trying again and has put forth a little effort but I don't know if it’s just because she can see me eyeballing the door. The problem is I don't want to leave, but I feel I deserve so much more than her minimum effort........... In the end I don't know. I will end it here, I think I just needed to tell my story to someone and ask for advice, a little bit of personal therapy. I just needed someone to listen to my pain.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

It does seem like your wife has no respect for you, takes advantage of your giving nature, and worst of all doesn't want to have sex with you.

Most women aren't sexually interested in a man they do not respect and for whatever reason, your wife doesn't respect you.

However, you aren't respecting yourself either. You have continued to give and give and give begging for scraps of her attention, how is that attractive in anyone's book, make or female?

Read No More Mr Nice Guy, learn about covert contracts and understand this if you really want to save this marriage you have to be willing to throw it away. But before you attempt to throw it away, read the book I mentioned above. Don't try to change her. Just work on yourself for now.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

First of all you are not going to step out on your wife...she already did that....she has been stepping out of this marriage for years.
What I don't get is why do you love this women? what makes her so lovable?

I mean she cheats on you time and again and you continue to bury your head in the sand and yet one of the last paragraphes you write that you would be stepping out on her and you need to steal your happiness back.

What the phuck man how much emotional torture can you take? I think it's time to save your self from this toxic person you married!

Just remember people will keep dishing out shyt to you, as long as you keep asking for seconds.

Sorry but from were I'm sitting your old lady has your number and you ain't going anywere. And one more thing you might want to get checked out for STD's cuz it looks like your lady sure likes to phuck around a lot.

Seriously...you really need to get out of this toxic relationship.....for your own emotional health.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Anon Pink said:


> Most women aren't sexually interested in a man they do not respect and for whatever reason, your wife doesn't respect you.
> 
> .


From what I just read it sound like this women will have sex with anyone....respect or not.
OP made it clear she will have sex with him if he goes over to the neighbors.
My point here is his wife uses sex as a tool so having respect for all the guys she sleeps with doesn't mean shyt IMHO.

Again I still want to know what makes his wife so lovable?


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

From everything you wrote you were being her Housemaid/Gardner/Little *****. Not the man of the house. 

Check your T level as you are acting like more of a woman than she is. You are being WEAK in her eyes. Find your spine man! She has been cheating on you for damn sure. I guarantee you she could not pass a polygraph. 

Down size the house, file divorce and make her take a poly and find out how many other guys she has been screwing.

She has continued to force feed you **** because you take it and ask for more.


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

Why are you still married to this woman ? I would serve her with divorce papers long time ago.

No love,no respect. You almost killed yourself and she doesnt care. What do you need more ?

Sorry you are here but you need to respect yourself and stop be a nice guy. You have nothing to lose.

Serve her with D papers and then see how she reacts.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

Your problem is simple: Women don't respect men who give them everything they want without requiring anything from them.
You need to make it clear that either she gives you what you want (affection, sex, whatever it is) or you're out of there and she can fend for herself.


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## Mrs. Rodriguez (Aug 5, 2012)

Money doesn't buy love. You have it very backwards. You can't buy her. Gifts are nice but women need much more time and connection than gifts
But sadly your wife sounds like a spoiled gold digger. But you helped make her that way by always pleasing her when your needs aren't being met 
Sometimes it's sexy when a man says no
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

For gods sake man your nothing but her whipping boy and to make matters worse you come back for more. She's lied to your face how many times now promising to change and your foolish enough to believe her.

I think that wack in the head should have loosened up some grey matter and you would have seen what you have in real time. 

All your doing is giving her more ammo to shoot at you because you wont stand up for yourself. Time for you to find you stones and bring the hammer down and let her know that her ugly attitude and behavior has run it's course and she can take it someplace else. Stop buying this woman. All the money you spent has got you where? Right back to square one again. Get rid of those damn horses and tell her that if she wants something to ride then ride a broom and while she has it in her hand for her to clean her act up or leave.

It's up to you. You either start acting like a man or be prepared to get run over again. Stop begging for sex. Before I would want to lie down in bed with someone that pathetic I would rather relieve myself in the bathroom with a old Sears catalog. Wise up, wake up and take charge.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Dear lonelyandlostman;

Anon Pink has given you some incredible advice. To all the posters who don't understand why lonelyandlostman is putting up with what his wife is doing, it is because they don't understand what it is to be a *"Nice Guy"* as defined by Glover. A Nice Guy is a codependent "man" who has to have the validation and approval of a certain woman and will do just about anything (often in the wrong way) to try to get that approval/validation.

You really need to change yourself and how you interact with women before you will ever find a loving relationship. In such a situation, you might as well work on changing yourself with your current wife. If you get it right and she wants to save the marriage, you will win. If she doesn't want to save the marriage or you make some mistakes and end the marriage, at least you will have a better chance of success with your next marriage.

Good luck to you.



Anon Pink said:


> It does seem like your wife has no respect for you, takes advantage of your giving nature, and worst of all doesn't want to have sex with you.
> 
> Most women aren't sexually interested in a man they do not respect and for whatever reason, your wife doesn't respect you.
> 
> ...


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

she doesn't show you respect because she doesn't respect herself.

it's an equation derived from relationship competition: me and less power for you = more power for me. I + <<< U = +++ me. 

what is there not to respect? you say you are highly accomplished and good at everything you do. 
in excellent shape, get hit on by women. have the best house in the neighborhood. 

So. there's obviously a lot to respect.
however, if she overtly respects you for what you have accomplished, then she would relinquish any power she has over you and that's not how she wants it.
she has nothing to offer in the way of accomplishments to balance out the power. So.........
she has to put you down, deny you, treat you like [email protected] in order to get you down to where you question yourself and everything you do.
then, she's got you just where she wants you.

she's got the power and is on the higher side of that equation.

that's shy i say that subconsciously she Does respect you, but she cannot allow herself to act or feel that way on a conscious level.
it's a game.

and a sad one at that.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Do run a paternity test on your child. You need to know for sure.

Your wife is nowhere near normal. Something is very out of whack with her. Maybe she's just a narcissist. Maybe something more. Maybe just a terribly spoiled brat. Whatever it is, you're not going to Nice her back into being the wife you thought you were marrying.


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