# I feel like such and Idiot!!



## EastCoastHopeless (Oct 10, 2012)

I posted my story about a month ago (I think he's at it again). Unfortunately I didn't take the advice given and never confronted WS. I wanted to wait for more evidence and here I am a month later with none. 

My plan was to keep track of the dates and times when he was 'out of town' for work and match it up his bank statement. Well, bank statement came and he got to it before me. Which leads me to believe that he has something to hide. He NEVER opens his bank statements. His mail usually just pile up on the table. He'll open things he feel are important, but it's never his statement. Occassionally he'll clean up his mail and put it away. This time, his mail that I brought in is still on the table EXCEPT for his bank statement, and I have no clue where he put it. I've finally come to the conclusion that i'll never see it. But I also feel stuck. I don't feel that I have enough evidence to confront. Sure I have his past bank statement with questionable purchases, but I know him, and I know how he can flip it around or come up with a reason for the charges that despite how random it sounds, could very well be true. He's a rather 'random' person, if that makes any sense. I don't have access to his cell phones (he has 2), or email. I have access to his old email account, but only things i find on there are emails from before we were married. They're questionable but we weren't married so i'll leave it alone. The only other thing i've found are naked pictures of a couple of his old girlfriends on his PC. I found them because they were in the 'recent files' link. So with all of that said, yes I feel like an idiot because i've let things go.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Are you also on the bank account? If so, you should be able to go to the bank and have them print a statement out for you; or open up an internet account under that account.


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## EastCoastHopeless (Oct 10, 2012)

No, we don't have any joint accounts.


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## ubercoolpanda (Sep 11, 2012)

Have you put a VAR in his car? 

If he has an iPhone you can track it from the find my iPhone app.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

You're going about this the wrong way. 

I notice you seem like the person who needs the hard evidence before they can act with certainty. Theres nothing wrong with this, many people are like this. 

Since you need evidence of him doing something out of the ordinary, you will have to do something out of the ordinary as well. 

A very tried and true method is the Voice Activated Recorder in his car. Now the first thought you may have is that this is overtop and drastic, honestly it isn't. Get a VAR, get velcro, attach it under his car seat not near any levers or anything and you'll hear everything he says in that car. A lot of cheaters talk to their APs in the car since they feel its a safe place where they can't be overheard. 

Another method is a GPS. Same as the VAR, but it goes under the car itself. Get one that has real time tracking, where you can look online or on the accompanying part and see where the gps unit currently is 24/7 365 days a week. 

You've been trying low risk low effort methods of discovering this affair. All its done to serve you is give you a month of indecision and a lowering of your resolve. 

Hes cheating, and its time to get the dirt.


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## EastCoastHopeless (Oct 10, 2012)

He doesn't have an iphone, he has a Samsung.

Kasler - I've thought about a VAR and Gps but am clueless about what kind to get. Funds are limited right now so it has to new am inexpensive but reliable one. He's out of town this weekend, so i have a couple of days to get something.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

^ An inexpensive one would be tough. The battery life may be too short, or the it won't pick up the sound well if its one of the cheap 30-40 dollar ones. 

I remember theres a whole evidence gathering thread and people with much more knowledge than myself on which brands work best based on circumstance and even more options.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Prioritize on the VAR look at it this way, he's probably spending money on the affair. Why should you be pinching pennies?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EastCoastHopeless (Oct 10, 2012)

Ha....i wish i had pennies to pinch! But seriously, I'll look into getting a VAR. My lack of funds are unfortunately a result of this marriage. I pay pretty much everything: rent, daycare, food, irs, car insurance, on to of credit card and student loan. I'm down to a penny smh. Sorry, I'll resist ranting because i can go on and on, but I'll research VARs now. I did see that evidence gathering thread. I hate that I've let it get this far.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

EastCoastHopeless said:


> He doesn't have an iphone, he has a Samsung.
> 
> Kasler - I've thought about a VAR and Gps but am clueless about what kind to get. Funds are limited right now so it has to new am inexpensive but reliable one. He's out of town this weekend, so i have a couple of days to get something.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


CUE... WEIGHTLIFTER!!!! who does know a thing or two about vars and gps... No research necessary. I have 15 cheating wives under my belt. Maybe yours will be the first husband. I dont like cheating by anyone. That forsaking all others detail.. Yea I know, blah blah blah.

VAR=Sony ICDPX312. Use lithium batteries. Put it in voice activated mode. Best buy sells them. Its 50 bucks. The 30 dollar ones are Poo. Accept only sony.

Then go to Walmart. Get the heavy duty velcro and attach it under his car seat. Use it in voice activated mode. ATTACH IT FIRMLY!!!!! so even on a big pothole it stays put. make sure its not on any sound making mode. You can get 25+ hour of recording on them in that mode.

Get a second one and put it in whatever room he talks in the house when you are away. HIDE it well. make sure its not on beep mode.

GPS=Rdmu used ezoom successfully. They sell it at Radio shack and has an online map thingy.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

weightlifter said:


> CUE... WEIGHTLIFTER!!!! who does know a thing or two about vars and gps... No research necessary. I have 15 cheating wives under my belt. Maybe yours will be the first husband. I dont like cheating by anyone. That forsaking all others detail.. Yea I know, blah blah blah.
> 
> VAR=Sony ICDPX312. Use lithium batteries. Put it in voice activated mode. Best buy sells them. Its 50 bucks. The 30 dollar ones are Poo. Accept only sony.
> 
> ...


The drivers seat isn't always the best option. My WW - who is as dumb as a bag of hammers - found it when she dropped her sunglasses and had to scrabble around under the seat.

Even though that was busted, I left it a few weeks and found a far better place in a spare fuse box under the dashboard.

Get hold of some decent sound editing software too as you may have to try to filter out rumble, music from the stereo, wipers when it's raining etc. Audacity is a good start. There are others. Post back if you need more information.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You really don't need this nonsense! 

Could you file for divorce under irreconcilable differences, any way?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

EastCoastHopeless said:


> Ha....i wish i had pennies to pinch! But seriously, I'll look into getting a VAR. My lack of funds are unfortunately a result of this marriage. I pay pretty much everything: rent, daycare, food, irs, car insurance, on to of credit card and student loan. I'm down to a penny smh. Sorry, I'll resist ranting because i can go on and on, but I'll research VARs now. I did see that evidence gathering thread. I hate that I've let it get this far.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No wonder he is now cheating on you. You are not putting your foot down on anything. You are allowing him to contribute ZERO to your shared life and he is living off you! This man is a leech. 

He has no respect for you, just sees you as a meal ticket or worse, his mother. What is it that allows you to let him get away with this? What is it in you that cannot see the totally and utterly meaningless way in which he treats you?


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Can I just say this is ridiculous and it's because you are living in fear. Fear of what of what you suspect is true.

You can var and key log to your hearts content but I'll say this with hammer like finality - if your gut is telling you this - he is doing it - end of story. 

Just read partially your other threads - end of story anyway 

Now at this point it's simple - you sit him down, look him in the eye and ask him with authority "I'll wait here for 5 minutes while you go and get every bank statement of yours from the last year" 
"If you don't get them or stand here and make up any excuse (especially as you say he's so 'forgetful') to not get them WE ARE FINISHED and I WILL divorce you and there is nothing else to discuss.........don't be long"

It's actually that easy. If you make it clear the marriage is over and you are happy for it to be that way unless you get 500% transparency honest passes pohones etc etc etc 

Then watch his behavior melt anger shouting blaming etc etc 

Personally I wouldn't bother with all the rest of the investigative techniques - you already know it all


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## EastCoastHopeless (Oct 10, 2012)

Remains/Headspin - Yes, I have let him get away with too much. I admit that. I've been weak and I let things go. And he has a tendency to make me feel that things are my fault. But the more that i've been thinking and reading threads on this site I know that it's not my fault. There's never a valid excuse to be unfaithful.

As far as finances go, most major things are in my name because previous lessons have taught me that if they remain in his name we would be homeless by now. If I don't pay, things won't get paid, or they'll get paid once threatening letters come. But I have stopped feeling sorry for him when he's 'broke', and when he asks for money, I tell him I don't have it. Especially now that i've seen what he spends his money on. My focus is on me and our child. 

Now for confrontation -- sounds simple enough, but then in the process I fear I'll lose my backbone. I guess that's why i want solid proof. Something that he can't flip around. But the more I think about it, maybe that will never be. Something can always be flipped. (sorry if I sound like i'm all over the place, i'm thinking as i'm typing). So I will gain my courage this week. I will keep you all posted.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

So, he already knows he can successfully blameshift you and you take it. That ain't good at all.

As Headspin said - you don't need a VAR, bank account or anything. You have your gut. He's a master manipulator and you've bought it hook, line and sinker for a long time now.

Confrontation isn't simple, but let me ask you: What in the hell are you so afraid of by confronting him?


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