# Women when they hit 40



## NoMoreTears4me (Oct 21, 2015)

Ive been reading about Women and mid life crisis.

From what I gather women over 40 in long term marriages are more susceptible to affairs. For whatever reason, bordom, mid life, age, etc

My question is: How long if ever do they snap out of it and realize the grass is not always greener? That it would be better to work out marriage than to have had an affair?

Basically I was curious about personal experiences and if remorse ever surfaces.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

NoMoreTears4me said:


> My question is: How long if ever do they snap out of it and realize the grass is not always greener? That it would be better to work out marriage than to have had an affair?


As it usually happens, when they receive the proper consequences for cheating. Other times when the OM throws them under the bus. Sometimes both.


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## Heatherknows (Aug 21, 2015)

NoMoreTears4me said:


> Ive been reading about Women and mid life crisis.
> 
> From what I gather women over 40 in long term marriages are more susceptible to affairs. For whatever reason, bordom, mid life, age, etc
> 
> ...


To me it seems like you want to know why your wife who is in her 40's is having an affair and when will she "snap out of it."

Correct?


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## NoMoreTears4me (Oct 21, 2015)

No I don't want to know when she will snap out really. Its over I don't really care what she does. I think my biggest issue is what she has done to her family and I feel she should feel some remorse. Other than her happy go lucky its all about me attitude.

Maybe I was searching for is this a normal thing for some 40 year old women with affairs and what happens later on after the high wears off.

So No I don't want her to snap out of it to come back to me. I do want some sort of reckoning and remorse.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

I think that for some women 39 or 40 is a magic age when they are about to be "old." So they take a look at their life and decide that if they're going to have one last fling, it better be now.

It could be a way to feel young, or still desirable, or see if being single is better than being married, or just to see "if they still got it."

I don't think men are that different.


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## NoMoreTears4me (Oct 21, 2015)

marduk said:


> I don't think men are that different.


Im not saying they are. But I am a man in my 40's and would never do anything like that. Im trying to understand. I would never in a million years think she would cheat on me but she did. Ive read that a million times on here. And I keep reading about MLC etc.

I cant seem to find any stories where the ex wife realized the damage she caused. Or felt remorse of any kind. Since IM not getting that anytime soon. I thought it would make me feel better if I read about those that have.


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## TheGoodGuy (Apr 22, 2013)

I'm not sure age has much to do with it, or at least not enough to put an age on it. Both my ex-wives cheated and left me for "greener grass", one at age 21 and the other at age 32.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

TheGoodGuy said:


> I'm not sure age has much to do with it, or at least not enough to put an age on it. Both my ex-wives cheated and left me for "greener grass", one at age 21 and the other at age 32.




I agree that it's not about age. One of my BFFs cheated on her husband and left him for the other man and she did eventually feel remorse many years later, but it was really only after the relationship with the OM crumbled. Still, I do feel her remorse is genuine. In that time frame her ex moved on and also became a jerk, so she doesn't want him back, but she does feel badly for what she did. She's also a much stronger Christian now than she was back then.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

It took my W a few years to realize what she had done was wrong. She regretted her actions/behaviors and asked for forgiveness, and had to wait 2 yrs to receive it. 2 yrs of demonstrating her renewed committment, forsaking all others, and making amends to all family and friends she had impacted.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

for women (fairly or unfairly), our society places a strong value and self worth quotient on looks and attractiveness.

for men too, but society places more self worth for men on what they have accomplished rather than looks.

both i think are bunk personally, but it is what it is. doesn't matter what i think.

if this paradigm is true, then some women see their attractiveness wane (self worth) and attempt to 
recapture or reestablish their beauty or self worth in a sense by validating it via affair.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

NoMoreTears4me said:


> My question is: How long if ever do they snap out of it and realize the grass is not always greener? That it would be better to work out marriage than to have had an affair?


They don't do it because they expect the grass to be greener. They do it because they're no longer interested in the grass in their own pasture.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

marduk said:


> I don't think men are that different.


My ex was a serial cheater, but he left for one of the OW at the ripe old age of 52. No remorse, no regret. He left her and is now with someone else. No remorse, apologies, etc.

I don't believe its a male v. female thing.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Folks the exit affair is not done by a person who is "all there". Even if a woman wanted to end their marriage most do it deliberately and honorable. The exit affair, like starting to smoke crack is an emotional death sentence so I'm not surprised they would show no remorse. They have become numb(emotionless) in the process. Or as the bible says, "with sin comes death". Death to the spirit. Dude
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Today's courts make it a financially risk free event. The kids stability and well being take a distant back seat to her needs. Also, today's society glamorizes divorce through magazines, tv shows, and movies. The message is: The man she built a family with and was bye her side through thick and thin is not her true love. The fun carefree guy she's known for a few months, that has a long trail of broken hearts, is her soulmate. this new guy will change his ways for her and is going to love her kids and provide a exciting new life. 

Of course it doesn't work out that way but once you've gone and blown up your family, you have to make it work.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

NoMoreTears4me said:


> Im not saying they are. But I am a man in my 40's and would never do anything like that. Im trying to understand. I would never in a million years think she would cheat on me but she did. Ive read that a million times on here. And I keep reading about MLC etc.
> 
> *I cant seem to find any stories where the ex wife realized the damage she caused. Or felt remorse of any kind. Since IM not getting that anytime soon. I thought it would make me feel better if I read about those that have.*


A lot of cheaters never feel remorse, regardless of gender. I think it usually has to do with the fact that a lot of cheaters have underlying emotional/psychological issues that they refuse to address (or simply are unable to address), like narcissism, BPD, etc.

Those that do feel remorse are few and far between, and there are some here. There is AffairCare, but she stopped posting on TAM a few months ago--she felt it was her time to leave. There is Mountain Runner--he was a serial cheater for a really long time, but he had a "come to Jesus" moment, and has dedicated himself to being a better man and husband, and maintaining his fidelity. You could look for his thread(s?), but he's a guy, so maybe that won't be helpful.

Generally, cheaters don't get the warmest reception on TAM, for obvious reasons, and they tend to get run off... so you'll have a hard time finding someone (a female) here who has cheated, and is remorseful.


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## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

*From another thread:*



Graywolf2 said:


> I’ve seen it over and over again on these boards. Around 40 is a dangerous age for women even in happy marriages. My theory is they want to prove they still have it before they lose it. Sometimes an empty or about to be empty nest plays a factor.
> 
> It didn’t matter how attentive you were. One of the saddest things I’ve read is a BH telling his WW (wayward wife) that I always told you how beautiful you are to which the WW replied: “You had to say that because you love me.” A husband’s complements can never compete with a stranger’s.
> 
> ...


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## NoMoreTears4me (Oct 21, 2015)

Boy that hits home. I have told her for years and years that she made me feel like nothing more than a checkbook. I got to stop reading this stuff. I think its making me sink deeper into depression


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## Heatherknows (Aug 21, 2015)

NoMoreTears4me said:


> Im not saying they are. But I am a man in my 40's and would never do anything like that. Im trying to understand. I would never in a million years think she would cheat on me but she did. Ive read that a million times on here. And I keep reading about MLC etc.
> 
> I cant seem to find any stories where the ex wife realized the damage she caused. Or felt remorse of any kind. Since IM not getting that anytime soon. I thought it would make me feel better if I read about those that have.


I'm not an ex-wife, I'm still married but I cyber cheated and feel remorse. Feel free to read my threads.


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## In The Dark (Aug 24, 2011)

NoMoreTears4me said:


> Ive been reading about Women and mid life crisis.
> 
> *From what I gather women over 40 in long term marriages are more susceptible to affairs*. For whatever reason, bordom, mid life, age, etc
> 
> ...


I think people with poor boundaries or moral codes are susceptible to affairs. That's it. Sex or age in my opinion have little to do with it. The rest is us trying to figure out some reason for their poor choices but ultimately, that is it.


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## NoMoreTears4me (Oct 21, 2015)

So I guess you can only feel remorse if you still care for the person you left/cheated on. I don't think my ex cares for me at all and has not in a long time. 

I don't know why I keep dwelling on remorse. I guess I want her to feel the pain that I do. I want an apology or at least admit what you did. 

I cant move on.


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

At that age they cheat because they WANT to cheat.

Husbands are paying the bills,children are gone or almost gone.House is almost payed off.

One more thing,social networks are cancer for marriage. Why would any wife or husband post pictures of them almost naked and stuff like that ! Because they are looking for atention which is bad.

You can always find someone who is going to tell that you are the best,but when you find the truth about it it is going to be late.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

NoMoreTears4me said:


> So I guess you can only feel remorse if you still care for the person you left/cheated on. I don't think my ex cares for me at all and has not in a long time.
> 
> I don't know why I keep dwelling on remorse. I guess I want her to feel the pain that I do. I want an apology or at least admit what you did.
> 
> I cant move on.


Remorse requires emotions to which have been blown out of the water. This woman is now a zombie. Let this help you move on! She is most likely forever changed(gone)! DUDE


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

NoMoreTears4me said:


> I cant seem to find any stories where the ex wife realized the damage she caused. Or felt remorse of any kind. Since IM not getting that anytime soon. I thought it would make me feel better if I read about those that have.


I suspect some never feel remorse. It's likely that many do and never show it as they feel it makes them look weak. 

My EX had a meltdown when we separated. Was it 'remorse' over having hurt the family, or over being exposed and embarrassed? Maybe a mix of the two, I'll probably never know. Not really any of my business anymore. 

That's the nice part of making them your EX. You are now responsible for your own happiness. Don't worry about if she will ever 'snap out of it' or feel genuine remorse. Just make the best plans you can for you; and build a brighter future. One that doesn't include her.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

The only remorse I've witnessed personally is remorse over getting caught and now life is harder.

Sorry if that sounds cynical. There's some posters here that have me believing that another kind of remorse is possible... But I've never seen it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Heatherknows (Aug 21, 2015)

marduk said:


> The only remorse I've witnessed personally is remorse over getting caught and now life is harder.
> 
> Sorry if that sounds cynical. There's some posters here that have me believing that another kind of remorse is possible... But I've never seen it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Marduk I never got caught. I could have kept up my online affairs if I wanted. I didn't want to live like that and came clean by my own free will. I'm sure I'm not the only one to do that.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

NoMoreTears4me said:


> No I don't want to know when she will snap out really. Its over I don't really care what she does. I think my biggest issue is what she has done to her family and I feel she should feel some remorse. Other than her happy go lucky its all about me attitude.
> 
> Maybe I was searching for is this a normal thing for some 40 year old women with affairs and what happens later on after the high wears off.
> 
> So No I don't want her to snap out of it to come back to me. I do want some sort of reckoning and remorse.


My wife hasn't cheated on me. But she is nearing 50, so maybe that will be her time.

What I do know is that if she ever did cheat on me, she wouldn't show remorse and I wouldn't know of any reckoning. She would be too stubborn to admit making a mistake and she would do everything in her power to make everyone think that everything is great in her world. 

Just like she does now with me.

She might show you nothing, but deep down she could very well be feeling regret and wishing she made different choices.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

Here is my take on the situation, A women gets married starts having children and becomes a SAHM. She is cleaning, cooking, doing laundry, shopping, running errands, taking care of children. Hubby is busy with his job. She doesn't get much appreciation from hubby, children and society. Maybe she is feeling resentfull. She feels like a Mom and a wife but not much like a women. 

Fast forward to her 40's, her children are grown and having their own life, hubby is still busy with his job and she's feeling restless so she goes back to work. She starts getting recognition for her acomplishments, she is getting a paycheck, she is feeling more independent and she is around men (most affairs women have are with co workers). One man starts giving her attention telling her how beautiful she is, how much he wants her, it's exciting and nice to get attention especially since she is feeling older. This lifts her spirits, make her self esteem rise. She has an affair. Her husband is shocked, he never saw this coming. Once she has felt wanted it's hard to go back to being a wife again.


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## knightRider (Dec 31, 2014)

I have seen a few women hit middle age and start to "wander". Something about the kids becoming more independent and less need to be tied down to the current family. 

When the kids are growing up, couples tend to focus purely on the children, they forget about themselves. Once the kids have grown up it's often too late for the relationship.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Happilymarried25 said:


> Here is my take on the situation, A women gets married starts having children and becomes a SAHM. She is cleaning, cooking, doing laundry, shopping, running errands, taking care of children. Hubby is busy with his job. She doesn't get much appreciation from hubby, children and society. Maybe she is feeling resentfull. She feels like a Mom and a wife but not much like a women.
> 
> Fast forward to her 40's, her children are grown and having their own life, hubby is still busy with his job and she's feeling restless so she goes back to work. She starts getting recognition for her acomplishments, she is getting a paycheck, she is feeling more independent and she is around men (most affairs women have are with co workers). One man starts giving her attention telling her how beautiful she is, how much he wants her, it's exciting and nice to get attention especially since she is feeling older. This lifts her spirits, make her self esteem rise. She has an affair. Her husband is shocked, he never saw this coming. Once she has felt wanted it's hard to go back to being a wife again.


I agree this is the most common sitch for a female and its only after all this does she realizes what all she threw away. Then she is depressed(self hate) forever, but for that moment in time, the buzz was awesome I guess! DUDE


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## TheGoodGuy (Apr 22, 2013)

Dude007 said:


> I agree this is the most common sitch for a female and its only after all this does she realizes what all she threw away. Then she is depressed(self hate) forever, but for that moment in time, the buzz was awesome I guess! DUDE


Must be one hell of a buzz. Another thing I think is that cheaters are impulsive. They don't think how this could affect them long term, and only choose to fill their bucket immediately to fulfill their "needs".


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Gives me an idea. Whatjew think the market would be for a t-shirt that said, " I'm her starter husband", I'm her future ex, or better, "I survived being a starter husband"


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

TheGoodGuy said:


> Must be one hell of a buzz. Another thing I think is that cheaters are impulsive. They don't think how this could affect them long term, and only choose to fill their bucket immediately to fulfill their "needs".


But upon being found out, don't think they don't sober up fast as **** and beg you know to bang some new/other person. Its that sobering up from said buzz that hurts the ws the most. DUDE


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## NoMoreTears4me (Oct 21, 2015)

Is it unusual for a good mother to become neglectful during her affair? If you have read my story you know my ex is in florida for 2 weeks and another week for thanksgiving away from the kids. To me at a time when the kids need her the most.

So my question is can someone be in such a fog of the affair and "new love" that her own children take a back seat?


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## Heatherknows (Aug 21, 2015)

NoMoreTears4me said:


> Is it unusual for a good mother to become neglectful during her affair? If you have read my story you know my ex is in florida for 2 weeks and another week for thanksgiving away from the kids. To me at a time when the kids need her the most.
> 
> So my question is can someone be in such a fog of the affair and "new love" that her own children take a back seat?


Of course. Right now she is feeling sexy and desirable and filled with hope for an exciting and fantastic future. Her past is seen as dull and boring and the kids are probably seen as a nuisance right now.


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

NoMoreTears4me said:


> Is it unusual for a good mother to become neglectful during her affair? If you have read my story you know my ex is in florida for 2 weeks and another week for thanksgiving away from the kids. To me at a time when the kids need her the most.
> 
> So my question is can someone be in such a fog of the affair and "new love" that her own children take a back seat?


this is just her being selfish and not realizing the implications of her actions. Nothing more, nothing less. Mild form of narcissism...


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## NoMoreTears4me (Oct 21, 2015)

Ok

So what can I expect in the future. I would like to prepare myself now. Will she continue to neglect the kids? Will I see them much more than I thought.

Will she try to buy their affection when she is with them? How are my kids going to cope with a new mother that doesn't spend the time with them like she used to?

Is she going to try and replace me with the OM?

These kinds of questions scare the crap out of me.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

What happens most times is that POS toss her away once he's banged her for a few months and tires of her. Which is when they usually come crawling back with fake remorse. If she's found a POS that wants her for keeps, you and the kids are toast and if she's found that rare POS that's willing to take on another man's kids, then you can have serious problems. She will turn on you in such a nasty way. Accuse you of abuse to get you out of house, so she can move POS in. 

I think you need to document how she's abandoned the family. Record all your interactions with her. Many woman are coached to accuse the betrayed as abusive and controlling. The courts are so slanted against you. So you need to be wise and cover your bases. No fault means it's the man's fault.

Don't wait on her. You don't want to be her plan b. For her to abandon the kids as well, means she's a truly vile woman. Close that option of her coming back to you still dripping from POS. You need to file D and request full custody.


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## TheGoodGuy (Apr 22, 2013)

NoMoreTears4me said:


> Is it unusual for a good mother to become neglectful during her affair? If you have read my story you know my ex is in florida for 2 weeks and another week for thanksgiving away from the kids. To me at a time when the kids need her the most.
> 
> So my question is can someone be in such a fog of the affair and "new love" that her own children take a back seat?


Go read my story if you want a sad story of spousal/child abandonment.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Survivorgirl (Nov 18, 2015)

jorgegene said:


> for women (fairly or unfairly), our society places a strong value and self worth quotient on looks and attractiveness.
> 
> for men too, but society places more self worth for men on what they have accomplished rather than looks.
> 
> ...


I think there is something to this. My stbx cheated on me when he hit 42. He started saying he thought time was running out. He wasn't happy. I am sure it's a midlife crisis based on the fact that he had lost his dad a couple of years back and never got over it. But the driving force for him is status: he realized that he is never going to be that great research mathematician that he thought he would be. He had to take a job at a community college instead (his fault since he gave up tenure at a 4 year college and it didn't work out for him because he's an angry, entitled idiot):x Anyway, the driving force, I believe for his midlife crisis or exit affair, is unmet potential. He thinks he's so great and it comes from an overinflated view of who he is. So when he met a 30 year nanny who all of a sudden was all starry eyed and gosh, you're so wonderful.:surprise: he got the little ego boost he needed. For him, it was status and age. For me, his wife of 22 years, I did feel as if time was running out when I turned 40. You know how I handled it? I didn't freak out and have an affair but I was a depressed, wondering about my life. So there is some truth to for women, we begin to worry about our attractiveness and I guess for men, it's about status. But cheaters? IT'S ABOUT CHOICE.


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

NMT4M ~

I have read your threads and I know you are looking for answers for your sadness and your ex-wife's lousy behavior.

Ask 100 people here on TAM and you will get 100 different answers.

The fact is, none of us know if she will regret anything, we don't know if her affair will last, we don't know what she is thinking.

We can assume she is in a Affair Fog, we can assume she is selfish and we can assume she may have a personality disorder.

You can only control you and your feelings. And right now you are hurting. You miss her and you hate her. She broke up your family with a willing participant, the OM. 

Are they both cold and self-centered? You bet. 
Do they care about you and your sons? Nope, not at this moment.
Is she behaving like a stranger to you? Without a doubt.

I know you want answers. I know you want her to feel what rejection feels like. 

But the bottom line is you must do all you can to work on you. 
Go to therapy. Post here on TAM. Keep busy. Love you sons who are feeling a void. Don't allow your mind to wander into the abyss. 

VH


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## NoMoreTears4me (Oct 21, 2015)

I know your right. I keep searching for answers and there are none. I read and read all day long. Wake up at 3 am every morning wondering how and why.

I feel lost and without a future. I try so hard to move on and its so difficult and unfair. I do find comfort with others stories and the fact that I am not alone.

I have thought about therapy but just cant afford it.

My friends are probably tired of hearing me talk about it. I cant help it its all I think about it. I think I have read 90% of these forums. Everyday I do have AHA moments in other peoples insight and stories. I also like to get encouragement and comfort if only from strangers on a forum.

Regardless of how much I have learned I keep doubting myself. I keep saying its not true and that im crazy. I go from mad to sad to crazy in the course of 10 minutes. 

Thanks for the advice. I really do read all the replies and try to find the wisdom in them all. I just start over every morning with the same feelings. Its just so hard.


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

NoMoreTears4me said:


> I know your right. I keep searching for answers and there are none. I read and read all day long. Wake up at 3 am every morning wondering how and why.
> 
> I feel lost and without a future. I try so hard to move on and its so difficult and unfair. I do find comfort with others stories and the fact that I am not alone.
> 
> ...


NMT4M ~
I know you don't want to "shed any more tears," but it's not a bad idea to get some of that sadness out! You are in pain. It will dissipate, you will see! It is perfectly normal for your emotions to be "all over the place." You are right, you can always find a poster here on TAM that has been or is in your shoes.
VH


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## NoMoreTears4me (Oct 21, 2015)

I had not cried in weeks and the other morning I lost it while praying. I felt a little better after but man the pain is so real.

It makes me hate her that she hurt me like this. Someone who promised to be with me forever and never hurt me has become my worst enemy.


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## BashfulB (Jul 1, 2013)

NoMoreTears4me said:


> Ive been reading about Women and mid life crisis.
> 
> From what I gather women over 40 in long term marriages are more susceptible to affairs. For whatever reason, bordom, mid life, age, etc
> 
> ...


From everything I have read and absorbed from this website and others, most wayward women who cheat and leave or divorce their husbands never do really snap out of it. 

I think some maybe feel a bit superficially bad about hurting their BH, but they don't regret the decision to cheat and leave. You will often hear them say _"I admit I could have handled my split from my husband differently, but I do not regret leaving him,_" or _"Looking back, I should have divorced my husband first before I ever cheated on him, but I was so swept up in my affair thatI was not thinking logically at the time. Am I sorry for hurting him? Yes. Do I regret leaving the marriage? No_." Most husbands become liabilities to their wives once their role as co-provider and co-parent are no longer required.


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## BashfulB (Jul 1, 2013)

NoMoreTears4me said:


> I know your right. I keep searching for answers and there are none. I read and read all day long. Wake up at 3 am every morning wondering how and why.
> 
> I feel lost and without a future. I try so hard to move on and its so difficult and unfair. I do find comfort with others stories and the fact that I am not alone.
> 
> ...


I know what you are going through friend. Just take it one day at a time. You will heal and become more whole day by day. There is no short-cut to healing after what you have gone through. The best thing you can do is make sure you have as little contact with her as possible. Make sure you have someone to talk to, like a pastor or a counselor. It helps.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

BashfulBull said:


> *From everything I have read and absorbed from this website and others, most wayward women who cheat and leave or divorce their husbands never do really snap out of it.
> 
> I think some maybe feel a bit superficially bad about hurting their BH, but they don't regret the decision to cheat and leave. * You will often hear them say _"I admit I could have handled my split from my husband differently, but I do not regret leaving him,_" or _"Looking back, I should have divorced my husband first before I ever cheated on him, but I was so swept up in my affair thatI was not thinking logically at the time. Am I sorry for hurting him? Yes. Do I regret leaving the marriage? No_." Most husbands become liabilities to their wives once their role as co-provider and co-parent are no longer required.


I think true remorse form a wayward is possible, it does happen, but its rare.....the hardest thing for the BS to swallow is that it is a malfunction with the WS and not themselves...easier said than done..


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## TheGoodGuy (Apr 22, 2013)

I second finding a great counseler to help you process everything. Hang in there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nursejackie (May 22, 2015)

I had my A when I was around 30. I did feel like maybe I was losing my attractiveness. I felt like all my choices were made, I had my husband, my career, my house, my child and I was bored. I didn't think I was receiving enough attention from H. I was looking around at the 20 year old singles at work that were all partying and talking about their exciting life. 

I felt a sense of entitlement. Why not me? Is it all over? I had always loved the rush of infatuation. 

Read what I wrote over again. 30, 40, or 50.. it is an unforgivably immature reaction to real life. It is irresponsible no matter what the age or state of the marriage. Selfishness through and through. It shows a serious lack of self development or a personal defect.

If H had discovered it he most certainly would have D'd me right away. If I had then gone off with the AP reality would have hit eventually. Sooner rather than later and I would have had the kind of remorse that jumps out a window.

I hope you can find some peace and a wonderful woman who deserves your and loyalty.


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## knobcreek (Nov 18, 2015)

I think man or woman when you start nearing 40 you start really assessing your life, decisions you made and didn't make. You start really looking at it like your last chance to straighten your life path out and find happiness. For a lot of people man or woman this is the time they divorce, cheat, change careers etc...

I think with women the hormonal changes going on may have something to do with it. That's when perimenopause starts and estrogen levels go nuts.


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

NoMoreTears4me said:


> I had not cried in weeks and the other morning I lost it while praying. I felt a little better after but man the pain is so real.
> 
> It makes me hate her that she hurt me like this. Someone who promised to be with me forever and never hurt me has become my worst enemy.


NMT4M
It IS horrible to realize the person that you loved the most is exactly the same person who hurt you to your core. It does suck!
VH


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

Happilymarried25 said:


> Here is my take on the situation, A women gets married starts having children and becomes a SAHM. She is cleaning, cooking, doing laundry, shopping, running errands, taking care of children. Hubby is busy with his job. She doesn't get much appreciation from hubby, children and society. Maybe she is feeling resentfull. She feels like a Mom and a wife but not much like a women.
> 
> Fast forward to her 40's, her children are grown and having their own life, hubby is still busy with his job and she's feeling restless so she goes back to work. She starts getting recognition for her acomplishments, she is getting a paycheck, she is feeling more independent and she is around men (most affairs women have are with co workers). One man starts giving her attention telling her how beautiful she is, how much he wants her, it's exciting and nice to get attention especially since she is feeling older. This lifts her spirits, make her self esteem rise. She has an affair. Her husband is shocked, he never saw this coming. Once she has felt wanted it's hard to go back to being a wife again.


Let’s look at the other side
Guy gets married let’s say 27 years old His wife is a year or two younger.

She works in the beginning and in a year or two the spit out a kid or two.

Then another a few years later.

She stops work after the first born because they make a decision not to use day care.

So it’s a dollar down and the chase is on to pay for the American dream.

Now the husband is knee deep in the sh!t storm of obligations to wife and family to provide for the present and the future. He’s working many hours of OT and maybe a second job just to keep their heads above water. Giving her everything he thinks she wants. In reality she never asked for or wanted the extras that the “nice guy” provides she just wants to get through the day do what needs doing and get some sleep

Then one day he thinks >>>sh!t, here I am working my a$$ off and at home I’m in last place on the attention priority list. I am never getting laid anymore (cause his wife is knee deep…. literally in sh!t changing diapers and laundry feeding the little b*stards and she just can’t get enough sleep nursing and whatnot )

And the resentment builds and builds. One day some sweetie with red hair and green eyes comes along and they make that fateful connection.

He’s thinking hey I owe this to myself and the A is on.

Happens all the time usually at the 7 year mark 
That seven year itch is real

55


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## NoMoreTears4me (Oct 21, 2015)

I lived that and I did not , would not cheat. I know how that feels. I did not look at anyone.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

That hurt and sadness is there to help you detach and move on!! It's a good thing. It's also to enforce discipline on you with your next choice in a bride. It's all good. Have faith and be strong! Dude
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CTPlay (Apr 26, 2015)

NMT, 

I'm truly sorry for the pain you feel right now. Just typed words on a computer screen but understand that so many of us were at the stage you were at. Only time and right action to move forward will get you on the road to healing. 

Take it at your own pace. TAM will try to push you forward but everyone has their own schedule. Some do it in months, others do it in years. There is no right formula.

I really suggest you take an app called Headspace. It's meditation. Try it. 

You are looking for answers but in the end, your questions and the answers to those questions have no bearing on what your next right actions should be.

But in the end. Why do some cheat and why others don't? 

It's like asking, why do some people run away from danger while others run toward it.

It boils down to human nature, how they were raised, and choice. 

But in the end, it always comes down to choice. Some have the will and some don't. 

I'm sorry if that answer doesn't bring you any peace because only right action and time will bring you peace.


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