# Shared Custody and Chores



## Microwavelove (Sep 11, 2013)

My ex and I split custody of my 14-year-old pretty much in half. Thursday through Monday she is with me and spends the rest of the week with him. She also goes with him every other Saturday. 

Right now she has the same very simple chores that she’s had since she was 6 or 7. She wipes down the glass tables and mirrors, cleans her room and dumps the kitty litter. At 14 I feel like she should be doing more, but at the same time since she has less time at home and some of that time now is taken up either through social or school activities and I want to be able to do things together as a family, I also don’t want her using up a ton of the limited time she has with us cleaning bathrooms.

My question is, how do you manage sharing custody and helping around the house? If you have blended families, is it an issue and how do you make sure your kids that don't live with you full time are doing their share?


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

My 14 year old son has chores at my house. I'm not sure he does at his father's, but I figure that's no longer any of my business. He's always known that different families have different house rules, and he is to go along with whatever their rules are. We've just translated that from friends and family to the shared custody situation. At Grandma's things are this way, even if that's not how Aunt Janie does it or how we do it at home. At Mom's things are this way. Dad's may be different and that's all right. 

At home, he is responsible for picking up his room, keeping his bathroom clean, taking out the trash, wheeling the trashcan to the curb on pickup day and back that night, helping me put up the clean dishes, loading his dirty dishes into the dishwasher as he goes along, and putting up his clean clothes from the laundry room. He also makes his own food a fair amount of the time, as he's proficient with the oven and both the countertop electric grill and the charcoal grill outside. 

We're working on having him do his own laundry, but he's almost comically intimidated by the new front-load washer/dryer pair I bought a couple months ago.


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## Microwavelove (Sep 11, 2013)

Rowan said:


> My 14 year old son has chores at my house. I'm not sure he does at his father's, but I figure that's no longer any of my business. He's always known that different families have different house rules, and he is to go along with whatever their rules are. We've just translated that from friends and family to the shared custody situation. At Grandma's things are this way, even if that's not how Aunt Janie does it or how we do it at home. At Mom's things are this way. Dad's may be different and that's all right.
> 
> At home, he is responsible for picking up his room, keeping his bathroom clean, taking out the trash, wheeling the trashcan to the curb on pickup day and back that night, helping me put up the clean dishes, loading his dirty dishes into the dishwasher as he goes along, and putting up his clean clothes from the laundry room. He also makes his own food a fair amount of the time, as he's proficient with the oven and both the countertop electric grill and the charcoal grill outside.
> 
> We're working on having him do his own laundry, but he's almost comically intimidated by the new front-load washer/dryer pair I bought a couple months ago.


Mine does do her own laundry most of the time, so I guess I should be grateful for that!


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## Malpheous (May 3, 2013)

I have a D17 that's lived this way (similar)since 12. Remarried a few years ago.

She does her clothes, room and helps with dishes and anything else we ask basically. Though my wife (version 2.0) would like her to do more, to include a job, that's been a problem. Something that frustrates my wife because it's an area we disagree with. Like your concern, there's just so much time and after family time and homework it's not much left. I pick up some on the chores I'd otherwise have D17 doing if she were there full-time.

The reason she's not working, while I agree with my wife, is because the time she lives with her mother is a fair distance away making it difficult to work weekly at the same job. I get it form a management stance.

My daughter was on week-on/week-off with Friday exchange originally. Now we've changed it up again to every two weeks. my daughter felt there was too much back and forth movement without enough time between exchanges to relax and get comfy. Something to consider over the next couple years.

Rowan makes a great point. Never consider the situation at the other parent's. Its out of your control You can let them know how these things are handled at your home as a point of awareness, may spark a thought,, but that's it.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

> Right now she has the same very simple chores that she’s had since she was 6 or 7. She wipes down the glass tables and mirrors, cleans her room and dumps the kitty litter. *At 14 I feel like she should be doing more,* but at the same time since she has less time at home and some of that time now is taken up either through social or school activities and I want to be able to do things together as a family, I also don’t want her using up a ton of the limited time she has with us cleaning bathrooms.


Is there really more around the house that she could be doing, or is it just that subconsciously, you feel as if you are losing control of your ever growing and maturing daughter.

You do seem to see the answer yourself.... School is pretty competitive and so is getting into the university of one's choice or finding a job right after high school. 

Imagine the disadvantage of those kids who spend their time outside of school babysitting siblings, being a pretend adult because the parents want to dump more and more responsibility on them while their classmates have so much more time to study, take exams, do well and get a higher rank in their class which determines A LOT if not everything.

This economy more than ever is much more dependent on relationship building and personal skills.

As you implicitly question above, what advantage will she get from cleaning toilets.....


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Every family does it differently. I may be a bit lenient there. All through middle school kiddo had gymnastics 3 times a week for 3 hours in the evening and barely had time for homework. Since she only had 2 evenings free, that meant projects, studying, reading, etc. had to be done those evenings and since she was with her dad alternating weekends, that really only left the weekends with free time. I didn't want her spending her only free time doing chores - I wanted time for US. Really the only thing she had to do was put away her clean clothes and make sure the dirty ones hit the hamper.

Then I turned over the hall bath as 'hers' vs. guest bath and decorated it the way she wanted with the understanding she had to clean it now. It can get pretty skeevy. Finally she dropped gymnastics (wasn't really going to progress much more and school more demanding) and now she does a better job of keeping her room picked up and clothes put away but to get the bathroom clean I usually have to tell her that if she wants to do [random fun thing] then her bathroom must be cleaned first.

In the summer, now that she stays at home during the day, I do assign chores each day on a dry-erase board but I have more to do, too - like mow - so it helps. This summer she wants a job. I have shown her how to do laundry and she'll unload the dishwasher but that's about it.

I don't want to make her helpless or expect other people to do things for her but I also want her to enjoy being a kid and have some down time so each year and season is different depending on multiple factors.


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