# hope it works out. I feel I'm on the right track



## ferndog

I remember the first time I saw her (i was 14). she wore black boots a yellow skirt and black shirt. A year later I learned her name when I had her fo history class. My very first words to her to her where "will you be my girfriend". I asked on a friday she took the weekend to think about it. Me being shy, I avoided her for a while but on 2/5/91 during lunch, while she wore blue jeans, a long sleeve baby blue shirt and eating a cherry jolly rancher, she became my first girfriend, she gave me my first kiss, she became my first love, and this is my heartbreak:

when we were 28 she wanted to get married. I was not yet ready, I had nothing to offer her just love. Sure I had a parttime job and going to school but at 28 I should at least be at the start of a carreer. well i told her yes I would marry her once we had a house, money etc. she saved and saved and she picked the date saved for a house and planned the wedding. I knew she was the one so I didnt mind, My love was true I just had nothing going for me. Her dad fell back on house payments and asked her for help. She agreed but she would take over the house. in return she gave him and her brother 6 months advance of the wedding and free board to save and relocate. wedding came and went and they remained there 6 more months. she had enough and told them to leave. they left and i moved in. But her 17 year old cousin began to live there too. so here is my story. I married in 04 and never have i lived alone with my wife, with time her brother moved to the back house (now divorced with twins). her cousin still lives there and a friend also lives there. I am now 36, I became depressed without me having my wife alone (i felt my depression grow from the start). Its stupid but I've always been shy and felt uncomfertable with someone hearing us do the grown up. I became a loner i became distant. I to this day never gave my wife what I always wanted to. be a partner, financially and emotionally. and I hurt her by being distant in all forms. she kicked me out in sept and filled for divorce. I love my wife and I admit my fault and errors. I am a loving romantic caring person but I need to grow as a person and reach my potential and worst of all I love that woman so much, she is beautiful and faithful and loving. she wants no contact with me. I once whent to her work to take flowers and she was mad. she said only way was if i change and i must change for me not for her. I tried to talk to her on the phone but she wants nothing to do with me.I told her I would change and she said she wouldnt believe me. so here is my question

I understand I hurt her for a very long time. I was there but not a partner. Im being honest with myself and taking care of all my issues. It's been 2 months since I talked to her. I love her and the way I can show her is leaving her alone. We have mutual friends but I avoid them, I separated completely from her. I enrolled in school to finally finish (i changed majors before) and will be done in June. I stopped gambling (yeah trust me I know my faults). I changed my laziness for motivation. I sit everynight and write my feelings down. I mark my progress and how I feel. I regularly bother my family with texts to say I love them. I know that day will eventually come to face the music. but first I must accomplish my goals. and I mean do it right and be honest. it's been only 4 months but my focus on solving my issues (it was hard admitting them) has made me realize im a special person, and i like myself. I'll be fixed when I love myself. I'm just scared of that day if she ultimately says no. I plan to write her a letter with an open invitation to dinner. Ill be patient and give her time to think about it and I wont send it till Im fixed. 
so am I doing the right thing leaving her alone? I love her and with each day she might forget me but It's my love that keeps me away

is it right for me to avoid friends? I don't want them slipping and telling me something i don't want to hear at least while im still in recovery from my issues, 

I like myself. i have not felt like this in a while. is it normal to feel content and hurt at the same time?

i cry alot and i miss her. and she has my brother and sister still on her facebook. (i dont check it but my brother told me). she took our pictures down and changed her name. my brother tells me that the best thing to do is leave her alone and just get my sh together. im on the right track i think. any advice or help. I am progressing it's just some days are better than others. 
example: Today I was writting a paper for school and subconsciously grabbed my phone and was texting "i love you" to her when i looked down i remembered she was no longer mine and my eyes teared so fast. wow i love that woman


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