# Living-in-the-moment dating?



## ladyburrito

I'm a 50-year-old divorced woman. When I dated before getting married, there was always the get-to-know-you phase. With some men it was relatively "shallow", for lack of a better term, as there were only one or two dates. With others, as things progressed, there was more deep discussion. Talking about things like where we grew up, our families, our personal and professional hopes for the future, etc. 

Dating after being divorced, it's not that I don't care about those kinds of things - they just don't feel that important to me. I don't want to marry again. Part of me says, As long as I get to know this person well enough to know they aren't going to be detrimental or dangerous, I don't need to go into that much detail. I just want someone to spend time with, and not to sound morbid, to enjoy however much of my life is left. I don't feel the need to impress someone, or have them go overboard to impress me. 

Getting divorced closed the book on that part of my life and I want to open a new one. This time it doesn't have to have a table of contents, an index, and an appendix - it can be the Cliff Notes version and I'd be happy with that. I'd really love to know if anyone else feels this way. Thanks for reading.


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## Hiner112

When I was young I thought that I would get married and we'd grow together like my parents and grandparents. We'd share a lifetime of experiences. Our perspectives would mesh together as we shared those experiences. We would know everything about each other 

Divorced in my 40s after a 20 year relationship it is different. It would be impossible to meet someone with all of the same shared experience. The perspectives that I have on things are much broader now than at 20 and I won't overlap with them as much because of this. Like you, I'm hoping to one day find someone that I can get along with and have fun with but I don't expect that it will be as close.

On the bright side, I doubt that I'll run into some of the expectations I had with my ex. I won't need to be Prince Charming that can finish their sentences and never says anything wrong or forgets anything. I can have faults and limitations without resulting in weeks or months of resentment. I wouldn't expect that someone in their 40s (or at least dating someone in their 40s) to think that they are going to mold me into the person they want me to be like my 18 year old girlfriend (and eventual fiancee and wife) did.


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## Laurentium

I'm in my 60s and single. 



ladyburrito said:


> With others, as things progressed, there was more deep discussion. Talking about things like where we grew up, our families, our personal and professional hopes for the future, etc.
> 
> Dating after being divorced, it's not that I don't care about those kinds of things - they just don't feel that important to me. .... I just want someone to spend time with, and not to sound morbid, to enjoy however much of my life is left.


No, I still want to have that deeper stuff. It's just that, at this age, I'd hope we can get there more quickly, less beating around the bushes. I don't have time for a _"just spending time with"_ relationship, I'm really busy. If anything, the deeper stuff is _more_ important now. I still have my table of contents and my appendix, not to mention my footnotes, and I don't want someone who's just a pamphlet. 



Hiner112 said:


> Like you, I'm hoping to one day find someone that I can get along with and have fun with but I don't expect that it will be as close.


That seems sad. To me, younger people are the ones lacking in the capacity for depth and closeness.


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## ladyburrito

This is my first foray on this site and its forums, so I hope I'm replying in the right way (not sure about the quotes).

My parents have been married for 55 years, which is what I was hoping to have. I was 28 when I got married but still hoped for longevity. My folks went through a lot - got married at 18, my dad went to Vietnam, my mom had several miscarriages before she had me, she's a cancer survivor, you name it. My dad worked for the same company for 45 years. You don't hear much of that these days.

The man I'm interested in is also divorced. He has 2 adult kids (I don't have any). It's not that I don't care about his past, I just feel like the more I know about it the more I'll have to tell him about mine and we may not be together that long so what's the point? The world is such a different place now. I don't expect him to fit the role of a husband - I had one of those and it didn't work out for me. I want a partner, I suppose, to share my life with and not get all complicated and messy. I think he might feel the same way.

It's really comforting to hear someone is on the same page as me, especially a male point of view. Thanks so much for taking the time to read and respond to my post.


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## ladyburrito

I understand where you're coming from. As I said I'm 50, the man I'm interested in is just a few years younger, so we're not vapid twentysomethings who don't care about making a more profound connection. I suppose to each their own, as they say. I wish you the best in finding someone who can complete your life's novel.


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## SunCMars

What you say, and what you want, and what happens, happens for a reason.

And it may happen......
Not as planned.

If a man wants you, if he wants more than a romp, you may change your thinking, and eat quietly, and peacefully your words.

Love is more than want, it demands all that you have, all that can be given.

I suspect that you will soon fall.
Away from these thoughts, away from these words.

Why?

You, we, them, us....are not wired that way.

OK, I concede, that some are.

Are you that *person?

We shall see.

Keep us posted.

Come back, many times over the next few years.

*if you find your lost long friend, that, ha!, soulmate; can you let him dangle, can you chance losing him to another fine specimen of a lady? I think not.


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## ladyburrito

Well this is certainly the most unique reply I've received from my posting. I will be sure to follow up in the future. For now, I appreciate your time.


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## TXTrini

How long have you been divorced and dating ladyburrito? I'm wondering where you are in life and what you want for yourself. We seem to be in similar positions, older, no kids (I'll be 41 soon). I haven't been divorced long but I'm in love with my bf of 6 months and I haven't said anything bc I'm still trying to figure out what I want. Like you, I'm not looking to have children, quite honestly I'm not interesting in raising anyone else's children. Unfortunately men in our age groups almost always have kids and I'm trying to let go of the desire to be the priority in a partners life.

For anyone who thinks this is unfair to him, he also hasn't said anything and didn't want to label our relationship until I told him I didn't see the point in interacting with his social circle if we were just dating.



Hiner112 said:


> When I was young I thought that I would get married and we'd grow together like my parents and grandparents. We'd share a lifetime of experiences. Our perspectives would mesh together as we shared those experiences. We would know everything about each other
> 
> Divorced in my 40s after a 20 year relationship it is different. It would be impossible to meet someone with all of the same shared experience. The perspectives that I have on things are much broader now than at 20 and I won't overlap with them as much because of this. Like you, I'm hoping to one day find someone that I can get along with and have fun with but I don't expect that it will be as close.
> 
> On the bright side, I doubt that I'll run into some of the expectations I had with my ex. I won't need to be Prince Charming that can finish their sentences and never says anything wrong or forgets anything. I can have faults and limitations without resulting in weeks or months of resentment. I wouldn't expect that someone in their 40s (or at least dating someone in their 40s) to think that they are going to mold me into the person they want me to be like my 18 year old girlfriend (and eventual fiancee and wife) did.


This is exactly what I wanted when I got married. I agree it doesn't seem that meeting someone now after 40, there's not the same opportunity for growth as there was starting out at 20. Here's the thing though, as we've all experienced (presumably), we don't grow at the same rate or arrive at the same "destination".

I'm ambivalent if I want to still hold out hope for a true partnership again or accept not getting married again and just moving from relationship to relationship just for companionship. I know there's no perfect person out there for me, heck I'm not perfect! It seems like a huge risk to get married again, in case it doesn't work and I end up divorcing... again, at the same time I've always wanted to love someone with my all and have that love returned.




Laurentium said:


> I'm in my 60s and single.
> 
> No, I still want to have that deeper stuff. It's just that, at this age, I'd hope we can get there more quickly, less beating around the bushes. I don't have time for a _"just spending time with"_ relationship, I'm really busy. If anything, the deeper stuff is _more_ important now. I still have my table of contents and my appendix, not to mention my footnotes, and I don't want someone who's just a pamphlet.
> 
> That seems sad. To me, younger people are the ones lacking in the capacity for depth and closeness.


It's comforting to know there are men out there who still want this Laurentium, thank you.



ladyburrito said:


> This is my first foray on this site and its forums, so I hope I'm replying in the right way (not sure about the quotes).
> 
> My parents have been married for 55 years, which is what I was hoping to have. I was 28 when I got married but still hoped for longevity. My folks went through a lot - got married at 18, my dad went to Vietnam, my mom had several miscarriages before she had me, she's a cancer survivor, you name it. My dad worked for the same company for 45 years. You don't hear much of that these days.
> 
> The man I'm interested in is also divorced. He has 2 adult kids (I don't have any). It's not that I don't care about his past, I just feel like the more I know about it the more I'll have to tell him about mine and we may not be together that long so what's the point? The world is such a different place now. I don't expect him to fit the role of a husband - I had one of those and it didn't work out for me. I want a partner, I suppose, to share my life with and not get all complicated and messy. I think he might feel the same way.
> 
> It's really comforting to hear someone is on the same page as me, especially a male point of view. Thanks so much for taking the time to read and respond to my post.


Totally get it...


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## Livvie

I think second, later marriages can be potentially even more successful and happy than first marriages. There are many people who have been married for decades who are extremely unhappy. 

A second, later marriage can happen that is very happy, and even better than a first marriage. There can be wisdom in a second choice of spouse that comes from experience and maturity. I got married the first time at 25. 25!!! So young!! I'll certainly make a better choice next time. I know what worked and what didn't.


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## SunCMars

Without love and romance, what use is dating.
This dating without mating seems such a thin veneer to make yourself hidden behind.


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## SunCMars

The first to fall in love are the first to say they.....won't.


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## jlg07

ladyburrito said:


> want a partner, I suppose, to share my life with and not get all complicated and messy.


So with human relationships, there isn't really any "easy" button. It would be nice, but those pesky emotions eventually get involved and then complications, messy, etc. comes along with that.
Does NOT mean it's bad -- just that I'm not sure we are capable of having non-complicated relationships.
If it doesn't get deep and complicated, it's rather shallow and unfulfilling, no?


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## Hiner112

Laurentium said:


> I'm in my 60s and single.
> 
> 
> 
> No, I still want to have that deeper stuff. It's just that, at this age, I'd hope we can get there more quickly, less beating around the bushes. I don't have time for a _"just spending time with"_ relationship, I'm really busy. If anything, the deeper stuff is _more_ important now. I still have my table of contents and my appendix, not to mention my footnotes, and I don't want someone who's just a pamphlet.
> 
> 
> 
> That seems sad. To me, younger people are the ones lacking in the capacity for depth and closeness.


I would like the kind of deep connection I hoped for before but before there was more of an attempt to match up who we wanted to be and now it is trying to find a match for what you are. I think this is harder though I haven't spent any time "trying" yet. I have less hope and it is sad. Fewer games and more straight forward communication is encouraging though.



TXTrini said:


> This is exactly what I wanted when I got married. I agree it doesn't seem that meeting someone now after 40, there's not the same opportunity for growth as there was starting out at 20. Here's the thing though, as we've all experienced (presumably), we don't grow at the same rate or arrive at the same "destination".
> 
> I'm ambivalent if I want to still hold out hope for a true partnership again or accept not getting married again and just moving from relationship to relationship just for companionship. I know there's no perfect person out there for me, heck I'm not perfect! It seems like a huge risk to get married again, in case it doesn't work and I end up divorcing... again, at the same time I've always wanted to love someone with my all and have that love returned.


@TXTrini expressed some of what I was trying to say better than I did.


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## TXTrini

Livvie said:


> I think second, later marriages can be potentially even more successful and happy than first marriages. There are many people who have been married for decades who are extremely unhappy.
> 
> A second, later marriage can happen that is very happy, and even better than a first marriage. There can be wisdom in a second choice of spouse that comes from experience and maturity. I got married the first time at 25. 25!!! So young!! I'll certainly make a better choice next time. I know what worked and what didn't.


What about people who've been married more than once already? At some point, you wonder if you're cut out for marriage and question if what you can offer is enough. 



SunCMars said:


> The first to fall in love are the first to say they.....won't.


I don't think ladyburrito said she wouldn't, maybe she's afraid to love someone and be at that person's mercy and risk having her heart trampled on again. I know I am, but I feel it anyway. 



Hiner112 said:


> I would like the kind of deep connection I hoped for before but before there was more of an attempt to match up who we wanted to be and now it is trying to find a match for what you are. I think this is harder though I haven't spent any time "trying" yet. I have less hope and it is sad. Fewer games and more straight forward communication is encouraging though.
> 
> @TXTrini expressed some of what I was trying to say better than I did.


Thanks!

I'm still grieving for the loss of the dream I'd hoped my marriage would be, hope for the future is hard to keep alive. I wish I had some encouragement to share, my friend. All I can say for sure is, you've already been through the worst, how much more can someone hurt you now? No guts, no glory! I've read/heard it's harder for men to let go and move on, give yourself enough time to feel comfortable with the idea of putting yourself out there. 

It's funny you talk about fewer games and more straightforwardness, I'm finding it the opposite. People SAY they want that, then can't follow through, it's hard to lay your cards on the table when you're afraid of not being enough or the other person doesn't want the same thing. I'm very straightforward, yet finding it extremely challenging to be transparent, I just don't feel guilty bc my bf who also claims to be straightforward beats around the bush too 😁

Maybe we're all full of **** here bc we're simply trying to be "ok" with our situations and the possibility of never getting what we want. Is that where you're at too ladyburrito? I'm curious about your thought process.


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## NextTimeAround

> It's funny you talk about fewer games and more straightforwardness,


I don't think so. The guy I dated between marriages talked marriage, got my family believing he was ready and I was the one dragging my feet. From my side what I saw, was someone who wanted to squeeze into my apartment without discussion about when marriage would happen. He lived on the US east Coast when I loved in London so he was hardly moving to a hardship place. 

He was moving out of a colonial 3 bed 2 and a half bath house, yard and garage to move into my small 2 bed, one bathroom flat and he offered to contribute to the rent and then "I can make a lot of money off of him." He never told me how he was willing to pay, just "whatever you want me to pay."

I also couldn't understand his accepting a pay cut when he only interviewed with one company and got the offer within 3 weeks. 

I told him he couldn't live in my place if we weren't married so he needed to be sure that he is making enough to pay for his place and support his 4 star free time.

In hindsight, I think that he was hoping to take a sabbatical from work; be able to pack 2 bags and drop them off at my place and have his European tour.


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## ladyburrito

I've been divorced for about 6 months. I've been dating off and on for a while, most recently this one man has piqued my interest. He has 2 grown kids; I don't have any. Before I got married I dated someone who had kids - it didn't work out because A. I wasn't ready to be a parent and B. he wanted more kids and I can't have them. 

I haven't been able to see this fellow much at the moment due to the coronavirus stuff, so I can't really even say if we're in a relationship, and that's OK for now. We have time to let things take their course and see where it goes. If it doesn't go anywhere, that's OK, too. 

I don't want to get married again. If for some crazy reason it happens, then it happens. Thanks for your comments.


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## ladyburrito

Honestly, I don't know what my thought process is. Other than I don't want any drama. How's that for an answer? Haha


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## NextTimeAround

Just date a guy until the level of drama is unacceptable and know your boundaries. i decided after that guy, anyone that I dated was not going to have a relationship with my family. That would cause immediate termination of the relationship.

I also had a certain vision of what a longterm relationship would require - marriage. And what the guy wasn't going to get if we were'nt married - cheap lodging.

He also wanted to be treated like part of the family. While we were dating, my parents celebrated their 55th anniversary by taking their kids and legally married spouses; and grandkids on a cruise. Cabins at $2K each and this guy had the nerve to complain because he didn't get a ticket. this guy was 48 years old.


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## TXTrini

ladyburrito said:


> I've been divorced for about 6 months. I've been dating off and on for a while, most recently this one man has piqued my interest. He has 2 grown kids; I don't have any. Before I got married I dated someone who had kids - it didn't work out because A. I wasn't ready to be a parent and B. he wanted more kids and I can't have them.
> 
> I haven't been able to see this fellow much at the moment due to the coronavirus stuff, so I can't really even say if we're in a relationship, and that's OK for now. We have time to let things take their course and see where it goes. If it doesn't go anywhere, that's OK, too.
> 
> I don't want to get married again. If for some crazy reason it happens, then it happens. Thanks for your comments.


I never wanted and definitely can't have kids now, and my guy has mostly grown kids. We seem to be at similar points of our post-divorce journey, my divorce was final in March. I keep going back and forth about what I want, it sounds like you are too. Give yourself time to breathe, like you said there's no rush. I don't see anything wrong with living in the moment, considering how fresh everything still is, just be honest along the way and pay attention to your instincts. 



ladyburrito said:


> Honestly, I don't know what my thought process is. Other than I don't want any drama. How's that for an answer? Haha


😂 Amen! I told my bf before he declared we were in a relationship the only thing I was sure about right now is I want peace and honesty. Just take it one day at a time girl. Think about it, you had no control over anything in your marriage. Things happen, our spouse does/don't do something, all we can do is choose our response. I'm in a somewhat fatalistic mood about everything lately, feeling all kinds of things and trying to make sense of it all. 

I don't think it's a good idea to make any final judgements about what you want out of life just yet with respect to a relationship. Enjoy your freedom, enjoy male company, maybe you'll meet someone who knocks you off your feet. How far along are you two? Have you had sex? I'm not asking to mind your business TOO much 😁, but you might change your tune if he can rock your world.


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## TXTrini

NextTimeAround said:


> I don't think so. The guy I dated between marriages talked marriage, got my family believing he was ready and I was the one dragging my feet. From my side what I saw, was someone who wanted to squeeze into my apartment without discussion about when marriage would happen. He lived on the US east Coast when I loved in London so he was hardly moving to a hardship place.
> 
> He was moving out of a colonial 3 bed 2 and a half bath house, yard and garage to move into my small 2 bed, one bathroom flat and he offered to contribute to the rent and then "I can make a lot of money off of him." He never told me how he was willing to pay, just "whatever you want me to pay."
> 
> I also couldn't understand his accepting a pay cut when he only interviewed with one company and got the offer within 3 weeks.
> 
> I told him he couldn't live in my place if we weren't married so he needed to be sure that he is making enough to pay for his place and support his 4 star free time.
> 
> In hindsight, I think that he was hoping to take a sabbatical from work; be able to pack 2 bags and drop them off at my place and have his European tour.





NextTimeAround said:


> Just date a guy until the level of drama is unacceptable and know your boundaries. i decided after that guy, anyone that I dated was not going to have a relationship with my family. That would cause immediate termination of the relationship.
> 
> I also had a certain vision of what a longterm relationship would require - marriage. And what the guy wasn't going to get if we were'nt married - cheap lodging.
> 
> He also wanted to be treated like part of the family. While we were dating, my parents celebrated their 55th anniversary by taking their kids and legally married spouses; and grandkids on a cruise. Cabins at $2K each and this guy had the nerve to complain because he didn't get a ticket. this guy was 48 years old.


What a tool! 😂 Please tell me you nexted this sad ****!


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## NextTimeAround

TXTrini said:


> What a tool! 😂 Please tell me you nexted this sad ****!


It took a while. He would complain about something and then make an ultimate. I wouldn't change and he still hung around. I was hoping that he would just leave on his own. He kept coming around angrier and angrier so I had to do the hatchet job.

My parents really thought he was marriage material. I really believe that my parents don't hear me when I speak.


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## Casual Observer

ladyburrito said:


> ...I want a partner, I suppose, to share my life with and not get all complicated and messy. I think he might feel the same way...


For some, the true strength and meaning of a relationship comes with things do get complicated and messy. I think I feel more that way in my 60s than I did in my 30s. If you find the "right" person, that might be a comfort for each of you. The alternative feels more "casual" in a strange sort of way... "casual" at a time when many of us older folk are seeing more value in commitment and sharing and honesty.

I'm sure it works exactly the opposite for some as well, and you may be in that camp. Just don't assume that others you meet will be the same, and certainly don't assume there won't be just as many looking for a hookup in their 50s as in their 30s or 40s. An LTR based upon "uncomplicated and not messy" is kind of counter-intuitive in feel.


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## ladyburrito

Oh, yikes. I'm so sorry that happened, TXTrini. What is it that woman says in the internet video? "Ain't nobody got time for that!" lol. Yep, so going to avoid drama, I've had enough of it. Best wishes to you!


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## TXTrini

ladyburrito said:


> Oh, yikes. I'm so sorry that happened, TXTrini. What is it that woman says in the internet video? "Ain't nobody got time for that!" lol. Yep, so going to avoid drama, I've had enough of it. Best wishes to you!


Oh, we're together, it's started to get interesting 😆. Dude kept me wanting more, that's why I asked if you two were having sex.


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## ladyburrito

Not yet. The whole coronavirus thing is preventing us from getting together at the moment. Lots of emails, texts, and phone calls for now.


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## TXTrini

Oh, ok.


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## SpinyNorman

I think it makes sense that if you aren't looking for marriage or a similar relationship, the deep compatibility isn't that important. It sounds like you aren't, and IMO that is a perfectly valid choice. All I would recommend is that if someone seems to be interested in that, you let them know you aren't.

Your priorities might change some day, but cross that bridge when you get to it.


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## oldshirt

ladyburrito said:


> Dating after being divorced, it's not that I don't care about those kinds of things - they just don't feel that important to me. I don't want to marry again. Part of me says, As long as I get to know this person well enough to know they aren't going to be detrimental or dangerous, I don't need to go into that much detail. I just want someone to spend time with, and not to sound morbid, to enjoy however much of my life is left. I don't feel the need to impress someone, or have them go overboard to impress me.


I'm a 56 year old male. 

That above makes perfect sense to me. 

When you are 20, you have a whole lifetime ahead of you and are looking at creating a whole life for yourself including kids, career, community, place in the cosmos etc. 

There for the stakes are high and it is crucial that you make some sound life decisions and pick a good partner. 

At 50 you've already done those things and have checked off those boxes. 

Does it really matter what someone's childhood background and core beliefs on child rearing are when both of your children are grown adults??

Does it matter what their career is as long as they can make rent and feed and dress themselves and have a little left over for going on some dates and trips with you? 

As long as someone is an actual self-supporting adult and not some kind of predator or alcoholic/druggie or something toxic or parasitic etc etc as long as you enjoy being with each other and he can give you cuddles and orgasms, then what does any of that stuff really matter?

When you are 20 and you are looking at creating a life as well as a lifetime - everything matters.

At 50 when your kids are grown (mine aren't quite yet- I was in my upper 30s when the kids started coming) things that were critical at 20, really have no relevance now. 

Here is the 50 year check off list -

- self supporting and able to adult. 

- not alcoholic, addicted, a criminal or narcissist/psycopath/sociopath/schizophrenic or BPDer. 

-reasonably fit and healthy and not bad on the eyes.

- still has a working libido and able to perform and give orgasms. 

-not an Ahole.

- not looking for a caregiver. 

- fun to be around. 

That should be perfectly doable by any reasonable 50 year old and if someone has not been able to achieve all of that by 50 then "NEXT!"


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## ladyburrito

HOLY HOT SAUCE. You have no idea how much of a relief it is to get your response. Honestly this is 1000% the best one I've received!! A. Having this validation makes me feel like I'm not crazy, and B. that there are men out there who are on the same page (as I think the guy I like is). Thank you, thank you, thank you, oldshirt. Best wishes to you.


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## Livvie

oldshirt said:


> I'm a 56 year old male.
> 
> That above makes perfect sense to me.
> 
> When you are 20, you have a whole lifetime ahead of you and are looking at creating a whole life for yourself including kids, career, community, place in the cosmos etc.
> 
> There for the stakes are high and it is crucial that you make some sound life decisions and pick a good partner.
> 
> At 50 you've already done those things and have checked off those boxes.
> 
> Does it really matter what someone's childhood background and core beliefs on child rearing are when both of your children are grown adults??
> 
> Does it matter what their career is as long as they can make rent and feed and dress themselves and have a little left over for going on some dates and trips with you?
> 
> As long as someone is an actual self-supporting adult and not some kind of predator or alcoholic/druggie or something toxic or parasitic etc etc as long as you enjoy being with each other and he can give you cuddles and orgasms, then what does any of that stuff really matter?
> 
> When you are 20 and you are looking at creating a life as well as a lifetime - everything matters.
> 
> At 50 when your kids are grown (mine aren't quite yet- I was in my upper 30s when the kids started coming) things that were critical at 20, really have no relevance now.
> 
> Here is the 50 year check off list -
> 
> - self supporting and able to adult.
> 
> - not alcoholic, addicted, a criminal or narcissist/psycopath/sociopath/schizophrenic or BPDer.
> 
> -reasonably fit and healthy and not bad on the eyes.
> 
> - still has a working libido and able to perform and give orgasms.
> 
> -not an Ahole.
> 
> - not looking for a caregiver.
> 
> - fun to be around.
> 
> That should be perfectly doable by any reasonable 50 year old and if someone has not been able to achieve all of that by 50 then "NEXT!"


I get this, but....

So I'm 50 ish. Got married at 25, was married for less then 25 years. If i got married again in the near future, I could potentially have a LONGER marriage with my next husband, than I did with my first. It's still crucial to make good life decisions and pick a life partner wisely-- even if you aren't 20 years old anymore.

So while I wouldn't be having kids with my next husband, there are still things that matter, just different things. 

Child rearing still matters, in what role adult children have in his life, what his attitudes are about issues that could arise (will he want to move across the country to be near grandchildren when they are born, what happens if an adult child wanted to live with him if it encounters hard times, etc.). 

Attitudes about saving, spending, retirement!!! work/life balance , leisure activities, these can be huge.

Attitudes about sex and aging....

Attitudes about exes...

Lifestyle

Health and fitness...

I don't think the list gets smaller just because you are older. It just gets different.


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## SpinyNorman

Livvie said:


> I get this, but....
> 
> So I'm 50 ish. Got married at 25, was married for less then 25 years. If i got married again in the near future, I could potentially have a LONGER marriage with my next husband, than I did with my first. It's still crucial to make good life decisions and pick a life partner wisely-- even if you aren't 20 years old anymore.
> 
> So while I wouldn't be having kids with my next husband, there are still things that matter, just different things.
> 
> Child rearing still matters, in what role adult children have in his life, what his attitudes are about issues that could arise (will he want to move across the country to be near grandchildren when they are born, what happens if an adult child wanted to live with him if it encounters hard times, etc.).
> 
> Attitudes about saving, spending, retirement!!! work/life balance , leisure activities, these can be huge.
> 
> Attitudes about sex and aging....
> 
> Attitudes about exes...
> 
> Lifestyle
> 
> Health and fitness...
> 
> I don't think the list gets smaller just because you are older. It just gets different.


I would agree, but you are talking about marriage, @oldshirt was talking about a partner, and OP was talking about someone to go out with and specified she didn't want to marry. If you're talking about someone to go out with, it's pretty much are they fun and is it safe to go out w/ them. If you're setting up a household with them, lots of other issues are potential dealbreakers most of which have been mentioned.


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## oldshirt

Livvie said:


> I get this, but....
> 
> So I'm 50 ish. Got married at 25, was married for less then 25 years. If i got married again in the near future, I could potentially have a LONGER marriage with my next husband, than I did with my first. It's still crucial to make good life decisions and pick a life partner wisely-- even if you aren't 20 years old anymore.
> 
> So while I wouldn't be having kids with my next husband, there are still things that matter, just different things.
> 
> Child rearing still matters, in what role adult children have in his life, what his attitudes are about issues that could arise (will he want to move across the country to be near grandchildren when they are born, what happens if an adult child wanted to live with him if it encounters hard times, etc.).
> 
> Attitudes about saving, spending, retirement!!! work/life balance , leisure activities, these can be huge.
> 
> Attitudes about sex and aging....
> 
> Attitudes about exes...
> 
> Lifestyle
> 
> Health and fitness...
> 
> I don't think the list gets smaller just because you are older. It just gets different.


That is true.

I’m not saying those things don’t matter. I’m saying the stakes aren’t as high. 

At 50, one should be at least somewhat self-supportive and financially independent and likely no minor children to feed in which case if someone doesn’t trip your trigger - buh bye.

Another thing also when dealing with 50 year olds is they are pretty much the finished product and what you see is what you get assuming they aren’t some kind of con man or something.

In other words at 20 years old, everything is pretty much speculation on what someone is going to be. 

Will they become a drunk or druggie? Will they be able to obtain and hold down gainful employment.
Will they remain healthy and fit or will they get fat and slovenly? 
Will they be a philanderer/adulteress?

All of those things are wild cards and speculation at 20.

At 50 most people are what they are. 

If someone is clean and sober and has a good career, it is apparent. If someone is relationship material, that will usually be apparent.

If they are a drunk/druggie or chronically unemployed, that will be apparent as well.


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## SpinyNorman

oldshirt said:


> That is true.
> 
> I’m not saying those things don’t matter. I’m saying the stakes aren’t as high.
> 
> At 50, one should be at least somewhat self-supportive and financially independent and likely no minor children to feed in which case if someone doesn’t trip your trigger - buh bye.
> 
> Another thing also when dealing with 50 year olds is they are pretty much the finished product and what you see is what you get assuming they aren’t some kind of con man or something.
> 
> In other words at 20 years old, everything is pretty much speculation on what someone is going to be.
> 
> Will they become a drunk or druggie? Will they be able to obtain and hold down gainful employment.
> Will they remain healthy and fit or will they get fat and slovenly?
> Will they be a philanderer/adulteress?
> 
> All of those things are wild cards and speculation at 20.
> 
> At 50 most people are what they are.
> 
> If someone is clean and sober and has a good career, it is apparent. If someone is relationship material, that will usually be apparent.
> 
> If they are a drunk/druggie or chronically unemployed, that will be apparent as well.


I agree w/ all of this. 

OTOH if you're concerned about a potential partner's financial independence that isn't so straightforward. Someone can have a comfortable facade that is undermined by irresponsible credit practices. If they haven't done anything reckless, there is still the threat of job loss or expensive health condition, both of which become more likely w/ age.


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## oldshirt

SpinyNorman said:


> I agree w/ all of this.
> 
> OTOH if you're concerned about a potential partner's financial independence that isn't so straightforward. Someone can have a comfortable facade that is undermined by irresponsible credit practices. If they haven't done anything reckless, there is still the threat of job loss or expensive health condition, both of which become more likely w/ age.


Sure anything can happen to anyone at any time.

But my general point is at 20 you don’t know how someone will eventually turn out. 

At 50 they have pretty much already turned out.


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