# Question for Men - Ranting, Venting, Sharing YOUR Emotions?



## Mer-Maid (Nov 23, 2013)

Women process verbally. When a woman is venting, ranting or sharing her feelings she sometimes gets annoyed when her husband tries to "fix" her problems. His desire to fix them is understandable since fixing an existing problem is only logical (a.k.a. the male mind) but she just wanted to get it out.

I've read many places that men like to process thoughts and feelings silently, then may later share if they feel the need.

*So my question is: do you ever just want to talk to your wife to share feelings or do you only discuss things when you've already come to a decision in your own mind or when you do want a "fix" (in that you want her opinion, input, etc.)?*


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

Pretty good question. Until recently I was horrible about holding everything in, then sulking.

The reason I'm at TAM, unfortunately, is due to some long ago infidelity I recently learned of. Since that day, I've learned to get things into the open much quicker, saying that I don't want this to fester into something bigger. Prior to DDay, it would fester and turn to resentment. Very bad.

I also now do explode and rant, which I'd never done before. That, however, is always on the same terrible topic.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

In general, I'm pretty emotional creature and usually share my thoughts/emotions quite easily with my wife.

I don't hide those feelings.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

In general I have no issue communicating my feelings. But I am also very deliberate about it and generally require time to think before I speak about them. So for example if my SO said something to me that upset me I may just leave the room. Think about what is bothering me about it and then come back 10 min later to discuss if that makes sense. 

For me I learned that going from emotionally upset to mouth isn't always the best thing because often I will think about it later and figure out that while upset I didn't say what I really wanted to say....so that means we now have to revisit the argument. And who wants to do that twice


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Wolf1974 said:


> In general I have no issue communicating my feelings. But I am also very deliberate about it and generally require time to think before I speak about them. So for example if my SO said something to me that upset me I may just leave the room. Think about what is bothering me about it and then come back 10 min later to discuss if that makes sense.
> 
> For me I learned that going from emotionally upset to mouth isn't always the best thing because often I will think about it later and figure out that while upset I didn't say what I really wanted to say....so that means we now have to revisit the argument. And who wants to do that twice


Yep

i simply don't make good decision when emotional or in anger......Never have. So I wait and calm down before I decide.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Wolf1974 said:


> In general I have no issue communicating my feelings. But I am also very deliberate about it and generally require time to think before I speak about them. So for example if my SO said something to me that upset me I may just leave the room. Think about what is bothering me about it and then come back 10 min later to discuss if that makes sense.
> 
> For me I learned that going from emotionally upset to mouth isn't always the best thing because often I will think about it later and figure out that while upset I didn't say what I really wanted to say....so that means we now have to revisit the argument. And who wants to do that twice


I am often very quiet until I have processed my feelings and emotions and then will discuss them when I know exactly what I want to say. I always try to communicate exactly the message I was to convey.


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

I used to hold everything in. My wife complained and told me she was there for me. So I started telling her everything. That made her stressed. So now I only talk to her about happy things or problems that I have some kind of a plan and solution for.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Mer-Maid said:


> *So my question is: do you ever just want to talk to your wife to share feelings or do you only discuss things when you've already come to a decision in your own mind or when you do want a "fix" (in that you want her opinion, input, etc.)?*


Answering for DH He is the verbal emotional one.I'm the one who tries to fix it on my own and share it only if I absolutely can't feel better by myself.He struggles with that but he's coming around to understanding the why behind it. He's very expressive when he's not happy or when he's feeling out of sorts. It's pretty nice actually,I never have to guess with him.I always know where our relationship stands from his viewpoint.


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## bbdad (Feb 11, 2013)

> I used to hold everything in. My wife complained and told me she was there for me. So I started telling her everything. That made her stressed. So now I only talk to her about happy things or problems that I have some kind of a plan and solution for.


This is similar to my wife. She wanted me to share more. I tried to tear down that wall I build around my feelings. As soon as I share about something, she would say I was emotionally weak or something like that. So, back up went the wall.

As you said, I only up things about me where I already have a solution. We can discuss details of what needs to be done to accomplish goals, but I don't EVER bring up my feelings to her, unless it is "happy" things.


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## learning to love myself (Apr 18, 2013)

My DH has never had a problem with venting/ranting.

He is actually working on not venting at everything that crosses his path (We like to call it being passionate).

He tends to get so passionate that it starts to feel directed at me.

I don't want him to hold back feeling and emotions, however he is super intense. He has high blood pressure and I'm not sure if I should ask him to keep stuff in, I'm afraid he would pop.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

MSP said:


> I used to hold everything in. My wife complained and told me she was there for me. So I started telling her everything. That made her stressed. So now I only talk to her about happy things or problems that I have some kind of a plan and solution for.


:iagree:

Right? This seems to be the dynamic in my house too. I've tried sharing issues with my wife and it usually ends up with her getting bent out of shape about them, which just ramps up both of our stress levels. Or she hangs on to the "issue" long past the time where I actually feel it was an issue. Sometimes I'd like to get some things off my chest too, but honestly it usually ends up just causing more drama.


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

Fozzy said:


> Sometimes I'd like to get some things off my chest too


I have discovered that this is what male friends are for, especially if you can find a mentor figure. The whole 'going to a wise old man for good advice' sort of thing used to be very common in societies everywhere, but is now extremely rare, although still found somewhat in religious groups. And for everyday stuff, there's always hanging out with your buddies to blow off steam.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

MSP said:


> I have discovered that this is what male friends are for, especially if you can find a mentor figure. The whole 'going to a wise old man for good advice' sort of thing used to be very common in societies everywhere, but is now extremely rare, although still found somewhat in religious groups.


It can also be found among message board members.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

My SO is generally a quiet type with other people. But he vents to me frequently, mostly about work. Sometimes about taxes, Fox News, religion...he doesn't _rant_ or get emotional about it, but he will vent. It's not a problem when he does and I certainly don't mind listening. I join in when it's something I'm passionate about as well (don't get me started on taxes!).

I vent and rant all the time, so he's used to it and knows I just need an audience to get it out of my head and away.


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## Duguesclin (Jan 18, 2014)

My wife, like many women, is very good at expressing her feelings. Most of the time I am not. I can be quite verbal, but it is not going to be about feelings.

However, there is one situation when I am more vocal about my feelings, it is when I am highly stressed. I feel silly afterwards, like it was something unnatural to me, but it certainly help me regain my bearings. It has happened a few times like when my older son was diagnosed with leukemia. I actually cried but felt compelled to talk. I actually still talk a lot about it. It is like I still need to process it.

But besides those situations, I think a lot and then talk, not the other way around.


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## Eagle3 (Dec 4, 2013)

_However, there is one situation when I am more vocal about my feelings, it is when I am highly stressed. I feel silly afterwards, like it was something unnatural to me, but it certainly help me regain my bearings. It has happened a few times like when my older son was diagnosed with leukemia. I actually cried but felt compelled to talk. I actually still talk a lot about it. It is like I still need to process it._

I don't think there is anything to feel silly about with this. What a scary thing no parent should have to deal with. It would actually be silly if you didn't have that reaction for that situation.


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## Mer-Maid (Nov 23, 2013)

Duguesclin said:


> However, there is one situation when I am more vocal about my feelings, it is when I am highly stressed. I feel silly afterwards, like it was something unnatural to me, but it certainly help me regain my bearings. It has happened a few times like when my older son was diagnosed with leukemia. I actually cried but felt compelled to talk. I actually still talk a lot about it. It is like I still need to process it.
> 
> But besides those situations, I think a lot and then talk, not the other way around.


I'm so very sorry about your son and the suffering you and your family have endured!

I agree with Eagle. It's completely understandable that you feel the urge to speak about what you're experiencing when it’s so serious! When something that far beyond regular life stresses strikes (the nightmare of a loved one being in danger and the helplessness that accompanies that situation) you’ll explode if you don't let it out. Talking is like a valve and it's a healthy way to release that pressure. Try to not feel silly because you’re just being human - and a good dad! Thank you for sharing something so personal with us!


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

I'm a woman and I don't rant or vent or complain. I prefer to work stuff out myself in my head first.

If I do have a problem and I talk to my husband about it I definitely want his ideas on how to fix it. And a hug. I never relate to any of that Men are from Mars bullsh*t frankly.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

In my experience, and it might be I am unusual, but complaining or getting highly emotional makes the woman in your life highly insecure. There have been times when my family has had some terrible things happen and it is harder if you have a woman in your life to support at the same time. However, if you make a fuss, you will have an insecure partner as well as the issue. She has to feel that she is emotionally supporting you and she will not be able to do that if you emotionally dump on her.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

In general, I go through a full internal process and decide whether or not my wife might be able to help me on it. Only then do I talk about it. And it’s seldom done. Why? Pavlov training….

If I’m facing a dilemma she isn’t helpful. Instead of finding some way to support me which is what I want, she feels the need to ‘one up’ so whatever she’s going through is worse than me. Or the other is taking it as a personal attack on her and getting angry. So she piles it on more, my issue is hardly a footnote, and nothing really changes except I feel even worse and more alone than ever. She might throw some scraps at it for a week or so at best… 

Silence or shallow talking is simply easier while I work it all out on my own without her. Basically, I learned she isn’t a person to go to if I need any emotional support or empathy even with venting. She’s the one I go to if I want to joke or kid around; “fun girl”. Important stuff, emotional stuff, isn’t her realm in my world. I have others for that who are good at listening, calling me out on my own sh1t, and ego stroking when I resolve things that bother me. Sucks… but my wife has removed herself from that position in my life.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

*Re: Re: Question for Men - Ranting, Venting, Sharing YOUR Emotions?*



Mr The Other said:


> In my experience, and it might be I am unusual, but complaining or getting highly emotional makes the woman in your life highly insecure. There have been times when my family has had some terrible things happen and it is harder if you have a woman in your life to support at the same time. However, if you make a fuss, you will have an insecure partner as well as the issue. She has to feel that she is emotionally supporting you and she will not be able to do that if you emotionally dump on her.


I would guess this is how my husband thinks as well. I don't know for sure, because he would never tell me. I don't think I have ever heard him say the words "I feel...", ever in our entire relationship. I have seen him cry in dire situations but even then its a silent cry...no talking involved and I just sit by him quietly trying to support him. 

I think about this a lot because:

1) I think this is a common thought process for a lot of men (must be the strong one who holds it all together for the women/kids) and it seems a bit...outdated? Old fashioned? Did fathers teach their children this idea? Did you learn it from your peers? 

2) As the mother of both a young son and daughter I have been living the reality of trying to raise them both with equal values and expectations but already see big differences in their thought processes when it comes to things like this. My son is 5 and is already adopting some of this behavior of wanting to be the strong one, not showing his emotions, feeling like he is there to protect his sister even though she is tough as nails herself and really doesn't need him to do it. 

I can appreciate that a man wants to lead and be strong, but there is something special about being able to show your vulnerability to your wife on occasion. It seems like such a tough and lonely road to be the one who constantly shoulders all of the mental burdens without ever having support to lean on.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

kag123 said:


> ....
> 
> I can appreciate that a man wants to lead and be strong, but there is something special about being able to show your vulnerability to your wife on occasion. It seems like such a tough and lonely road to be the one who constantly shoulders all of the mental burdens without ever having support to lean on.


I can certainly understand that. However, men and women differ. I think a large majority of women would agree with what you say here. However, whenever I have had a major issue in my life and opened up, if has not been a good idea. Most women would certainly believe they would help their man if he something major came up and in isolation I believe they would, however, such a thing (such as sudden death of a close family member) has two impacts, the man suffers and the woman has the man she relies on suddenly be much weaker than she is used to. The latter effect often has the bigger impact and overweighs the first.

This is just my experience and it is very limited (and I have no reason to think men would be different). But this assumption is not just a silly prejudice men have, but is often learnt the hard way in adult life. I do not think the women were selfish, they were just not ready for the shock of their man not being able to be as supportive and felt insecure for themselves first and foremost.


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