# Geo Separation - Not sure I want to continue



## 4me2 (Jul 20, 2012)

Hello All. My first post. It’s taken awhile to do this since I often am not sure what I even want to ask – or if I just need to vent. My question up front – am I crazy to think wife had some sort of affair (see details below)? I did my best to make our story concise so ignore what may seem callous details. 

Wife and I were college sweethearts, she became pregnant, we chose an abortion (but mostly my decision) due to not ready etc., nobody knew about it. We marry at the end of college and it’s been 28 years now. 4 years into marriage she had an affair with a co-worker which 100% blind-sided me – prior to discovery a few times she broke down and cried out of the blue. She confessed that affair but I suspect it was going to be exposed as the other guys’ wife was fully aware and pressuring him to come clean. We reconciled and put all of it in the past, “life” was good, and we had two wonderful sons. 

10 years later – one night she cries during sex, which set me off with lots of crazy thoughts she was having another affair (the usual other things in a different context added to my suspicions). I plead for her to level with me if there was someone else, but she insisted there wasn’t. The only thing she could offer was she had continued regrets and guilt over the abortion which affected how she felt about me, caused intimacy problems, lack of desire for me, etc. She goes to counseling 3-4 times then quits saying it wasn’t doing any good, and was prescribed some mild anti-depressants. A few months later I get a call from a woman saying her husband and my wife were exchanging emails/calls of an explicit nature for some time. It turns out they met during a social event when I was out of town for work way before the initial guilt episode, they made out that night (only…they claim), then they had been having this distant thing going on by email/phone. My wife actually called the guy from home during a few of her work lunch hours at home and essentially had phone sex(!). This was mind boggling to say the least since she had never seemed very sexual (to me anyway). She never once mentioned this affair to the counselor for the few times she went. So…another recovery process, and all is “well.” In 2009 after my wife lost her job I was able to land a job in Germany – a dream location to quench my/our travel dreams. 

On to the current issue – after I spend a month in the states for work I return to Germany, and literally the day I return my wife cries…during sex. Of course this brought up the flashback phase of things, I plead for her to tell me if something is going on for a few weeks, blah blah blah. She goes back to relaying the abortion guilt and the other stuff - never really been sexually attracted to me, felt I was controlling, etc. AND…said she was 50/50 as to wanting to stay married. I said…well, why don’t we end it? She said no, I’m not ready to say that. 3 months prior to my job end she says she is staying in Germany (she could work up to a year beyond my departure). Same time - unless I'm crazy - it seems she starts to guard her cell phone, changes email/facebook passwords, . Meanwhile, sShe ends up seeing a counselor (which I don’t believe was quite qualified) that agrees she needs some time apart. This was mental anguish for me and our final months together in Europe were difficult, but I toughed it out and decided to continue doing what we normally did (travel) – with me occasionally flipping out. I’ve been back in the US since October 2012. We haven’t communicated much about “us” and instead only seem to discuss practical things like bills, etc. – but it’s hard anyway with the time difference. In the mean time, the longer we are apart the less I want to get back – a lot of it probably due to nagging doubts about her faithfulness. A month ago she says she is coming back mid-summer, loves me, I’m her soul mate, come to Europe to travel this summer before her return (which I’ve booked…), etc. The problem is I’ve really become disconnected and can’t say I want to continue our relationship. That is as much as I’ve relayed to her since it is difficult to Skype with time differences, but I’ve promised details in an email…some day. 

Help is requested to figure out if I’m a nut job, or legitimately dealing with a dishonest spouse that I should “quit.” I always seem to get hit with her abortion guilt which can’t be ignored (I’ve told her many times to get more counseling, as well as dealing with her crappy childhood/daddy issues), but start to feel it's an excuse for other behavior. Thanks.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

1) You're not nuts! This would wear on anyone.

2) She has been deceptive, cheated before and is capable of doing it again.

3) She doesn't seem to have a problem with wanting sex, just wanting sex with you. 

Why? 

Don't you excite her? 

Read this book and blog by brother member Athol. Get a glimpse of what you've been up against, before you decide to opt out of your marriage. And, no it's not a sex manual.

Married Man Sex Life 

P.S. The problem with long distance relationships is there isn't much physical bonding.


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## Alpha (Feb 18, 2013)

No you are not nuts at all. I don't believe the abortion line that she always goes back to. At the end of the day, although you talked to her about an abortion, she is the one who made the final decision. 

She tells you that she was never attracted to you, says you are controlling, and is 50-50 about ending your relationship, Then after you leave she calls you because she has a change of heart and tells you that you are her soul mate? Something smells really foul.

Where are your two sons?


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## yvonne123 (Mar 19, 2013)

no your not nuts just mixed up with all the stress-i agree with the comments above & i definatly don,t believe the issue that she claims to have about the abortion,this i think she is just using as an excuse-what to do in the situation is hard,could it be that she has realised that the grass isn,t always greener on the other side ?LONG periods apart are very rarlely good as to a certain degree a lot of people start to grow apart-however the main thing for you to remember at this point in time is that you are not nuts & that it appears she is capable of deception as has been proved-i wish you well & hope things improve for you


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## 4me2 (Jul 20, 2012)

Thanks for the replies. 

Our two sons are attending college near our hometown so they are living with me in our home. So...dealing with young kids isn't an issue (thankfully). They were in GM every summer with us, and they both became very angry when mom said she was staying. 

My sister-in-law (SIL) visited us while in GM in May just before my wife broke the news she was staying. The SIL asked my wife if there was someone else as well as she noticed how crappy my wife was treating me at the time. My SIL (wife's brothers spouse) has been my only sounding board - she struggeled over the years with her at times unfaithful husband as well (he tragically committed suicide 3 years ago). My SIL said she sees similar traits between the two siblings - doing crappy things, then spouse seems to have the "I said I'm sorry...why can't we just move on?" sort of attitude. 

I'm really struggling with all parts of our relationship and could rattle off a lot of things I dislike about her/us with ease right now. I don't know if that's the result of being apart, feeling abandoned (but that's less painful now), and/or the nagging suspicion that affair #3 has or did happen. I have a flight booked to spend 4 weeks this summer with her travelling all over before her return which she talked me into doing (not hard to do as I love to travel). I did say at the time that I AM struggling with everything between us. I recently told her I am having 2nd thoughts about going, and she said "just come out...," kind of like everything will be rosy once we are together, and (I suspect) to save face with friends back in GM that know us.

I've been putting off writing an email to her discussing my feelings and why I don't see us continuing as a married couple. The huge part is that I don't trust her anymore. I think I will treat the email as a "this is what I would say if we went to marriage counseling." I've been putting that off - it's painful after 28 years of marriage to put something like that in words.


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## Alpha (Feb 18, 2013)

I can somewhat relate to your situation and it sucks. 

Ever realize when you were a student taking a test that the first answer that came to your head was usually the correct or best answer? Same with your intuition. Trust it. You are second guessing whether or not your wife had a third affair. Give her the benefit of the doubt if you want but all the signs are there unfortunately----she stays behind, tells you she has no feelings, and your SIL notices she treats you like dirt. 

If your wife cheats once, you can forgive her and look back at why the affair happened and work on issues. If she does it a second time, that's almost unforgivable, but maybe you can dig deep into your heart and forgive again. But a third? Lest you want to be the doormat and get yourself trampled on once again, go on that trip back to Europe with her. 

How old are you? Are you pretty secure financially? It sounds like you are and it's also good your children are practically independent too. If I were in your shoes, I would write her a letter saying that you have changed your mind about Europe. Don't give her a long winded response about your whole marriage etc etc. Just say that you are happy to stay in the US for now and need to work on a few things. 

What you will work on is yourself. Create a list of what you need to improve and do it. Really do it. This should also include getting yourself into physical shape. Be the best man you can be and you won't believe how satisfying it will feel to you. Don't chase your wife. Let her wonder what you are doing. Act like you don't care because at this point you don't really care. But keep on working on yourself because there is a strong probability that you will fall into the radar of other women. Your wife I assure you will come crawling back, and when she does, you make the decision of whether or not you want to forgive a third affair. 

Right now she is the rod and reel and she is controlling pulling the fish (you) left and right. Cut the wire and free yourself.


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## 4me2 (Jul 20, 2012)

Yes - financially ok but my wife will return to the US jobless. And, as mentioned, we do have 2 kids in college. I'm 50, same as her. I am, and always have been, in decent physical shape and somewhat youthful looking (I've been kidded about that before). I work out at the Y 5-6 days per week which is a great outlet/stress reliever (ski season now keeps me going...but I'm in the habit so doubt I will let up). Really, the Y is about my only social interaction outside of work since it's too weird being around married friends now. 

I'm not trying to prove anything to her, get her jealous, or whatever to get her to come racing back. I feel awkward about that, but I guess I've been letting go. Cripes - it's been a year since her emotional episode so I've been withdrawing since then even though we did not part company until 5 months ago. I AM in the don't care phase and seem to be consumed with thoughts of divorce - when I wake in the middle of the night, showering in the am, etc. - anytime I'm not distracted by something else. I agree a short and to the point letter is in order. I originally thought about saying all kinds of things, but that is likely not neccessary. And - consensus seems to be something indeed happen with her resulting in the situation we are in. Thanks all.


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