# Don't want to give up...but is it worth it anymore?



## ruralmisfit (Aug 11, 2011)

At what point do you know/realize that you have tried everything you can, but your marriage is simply never going to get any better?

My husband and I have been married 13 years, together nearly 15. The relationship has had its ups and downs through the years. When it's good, it's really good; when it's bad, even hell looks better. 

We both have dysfunctional family histories that I'm sure contribute to how we "learned" to do marriage. I was verbally and physically abused severely as a child, mother with personality disorder, both parents alcoholics with highly volatile relationship. His father was an alcoholic and walked out one day never to return. His mother has been married multiple times -- I think she's on number four or five right now. 

We have so many issues that I have tried working on, but I can't seem to get him to work with me on fixing them. They are the pretty common ones:

Respect: Put simply, he seems to have none for me. He doesn't tell me when he makes plans, if he has to work late, if something is bothering him. He doesn't stick up for me when my family attacks me. I am the complete opposite, telling him everything -- schedule changes, kids' appointments, if there is something I think is going on (with the marriage, if he's having a bad day, et cetera). 

Communication: There are times we communicate very well, but most of the time we can't seem to communicate at all. When it comes to marital issues, we can't communicate because he refuses to acknowledge that he has had any role in the breakdown of the relationship. He spends hours rehashing things that have occurred over the last 15 years and wants to spend the entire time having his feelings validated and having me apologize -- over and over and over again -- for hurting him "that way." I prefer to communicate re: problems with the intent of identifying the problem, and then finding a solution for it. He prefers excuses. Aside from that, we don't talk about much of anything, and when we do it's one- and two-word clipped conversations. 

Intimacy: He thinks I should be "ready" just because he is. For years I have told him that I feel cheap because of how he approaches sex. He will either say, "I feel like hunching," which I find degrading and disgusting, or he will start kissing and groping me to let me know he's in the mood. Aside from this display of affection, there is none, so in my mind, I equate every touch of his at this point to mean he wants to have sex. I have told him I need more foreplay, that my LL is to stimulate my mind...but he either doesn't get it or doesn't care because he will not do anything different in this regard. I finally got to the point where I have told him, "If you can't talk to me, if you can't act like you are attracted to me or interested in me, I will not have sex with you." So...we haven't had sex in months. 

We separated for a month in May, and I spent a lot of time identifying what I needed to get from this relationship to continue to stay. Because I don't expect him to read my mind, I talked to him about it, I sent him an e-mail summarizing the biggest points from that conversation, and then asked him to tell me what he heard me say I needed...just so I knew he was really paying attention. He committed to doing those things, and he came back in June.

The first two weeks were nothing short of amazing. The difference is during the same conversation he told me what he needed from me -- less work, more initiated affection, time alone -- and I did everything I could to meet every one of his needs. We went out on dates -- that I planned; we snuggled more and watched movies (I hate movies!); I packed his lunch, I cooked his dinner every night -- I work 60 hrs a week most times so this doesn't always happen!. In short, I put everything I had into meeting the needs he identified, and he loved every minute of it. BUT aside from "coming along for the ride," he didn't do anything to try to meet any of my needs. That's the sum of our marriage: He wants to come along for the ride, he doesn't want to put any effort in it, and he essentially told me that by his reciprocating when I initiate things, he should be fulfilling any needs that I have.

Long story short, after it became clear that I was giving 100 percent and he was just enjoying the ride, I pulled back, to see if he would pick up where I left off, to see if he would take the initiative to keep the ball rolling, per se, to keep things going the way they were. He didn't. The very day I stopped planning all of these things and meeting his every need, he had a fit, "I knew it. **** would just go back to the way it's always been." Is it too much to ask that we're both giving and receiving to make this work?

He says I'm controlling...but he won't make any decision without me telling him which one to make.

He says I yell at him too much, and I do at this point. I told him before that, in the spirit of Dr. Phil, I do it because it works. I could say the same thing to him 130 times and he wouldn't hear it; the minute I yell at him about it, it's like the light bulb goes on and he finally gets it. I keep telling him that I would love to change the dynamic because it's not healthy, but until he starts listening to me when I speak, I haven't found any other way of getting him to pay an ounce of attention to me. 

He tells me that I won't let him do anything fun with the guys. Sometimes I don't. Sometimes there are other things going on -- with the kids, things that need fixed around the house (water leaking through the ceiling into dining room is the last example) -- that absolutely need attended to. Other times I have told him to go, he will find an excuse for why he can't -- no money, can't take off work, et cetera -- but then blames me and says it's my fault he couldn't do it. I absolutely do not mind him going and doing things with his friends, but it's like he makes plans, finds some reason why he can't go, and then blames me for it, as if I'm sabotaging his guy time...when most of the time the reason he can't go is because he can't take off work. In fairness, though, I have also said that if he can't ever make the effort to spend time with me, make plans for us, then I absolutely have a problem with him spending two or three weekends a month doing guy things. We have not been out together but once -- aside from the instances mentioned above -- in almost a year and a half. 

I am at my wit's end here. I have read self-help book after book after book and tried implementing the techniques. I have tried being very specific with what I need from him, not expecting him to read my mind. I have talked until I'm blue in the face. I have kicked him out hoping it would wake him up; and then I have let him back to try it again. 

At what point do you say "enough"? I'm at a point where I don't know that I have anything else to give him. I just can't keep filling him up and allowing myself to be depleted, day after day after day.


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## Krissteene (Sep 2, 2011)

Sounds like my situation minus the kids. Men just dont want to grow up. I too read self help books, went to therapist even went away for a month at a time, nothing works when its broken and only one of you is trying. Im still in the situation trying to figure out, or should i say, get enough guts to make my move.. life is too short to live miserably. I would rather be happy alone, then miserable with him...


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## Madbunny (Aug 9, 2011)

Intimacy: He thinks I should be "ready" just because he is. For years I have told him that I feel cheap because of how he approaches sex. He will either say, "I feel like hunching," which I find degrading and disgusting, or he will start kissing and groping me to let me know he's in the mood. Aside from this display of affection, there is none, so in my mind, I equate every touch of his at this point to mean he wants to have sex. I have told him I need more foreplay, that my LL is to stimulate my mind...but he either doesn't get it or doesn't care because he will not do anything different in this regard. I finally got to the point where I have told him, "If you can't talk to me, if you can't act like you are attracted to me or interested in me, I will not have sex with you." So...we haven't had sex in months. 

Hmmm sounds familiar.As if being told " I think we should bone" makes me just melt doesn't it for most women?? Ha and heaven forbid if you say no right, then you are getting it somewhere else.Your situation is very similar to mine ,except that i give in cause I just don't want to hear the bs and accusations.Yet it feels like crap cause I am faking it to please him.. heck my marriage is about him.I have no helpful advice but I feel ya and can totally relate, and not just on the s*x issue.I am a good listener and you can pm me if you need to vent


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## ForlornHubby (Aug 15, 2011)

ruralmisfit, I'm a guy and am at a point very similar to you in the underlying "is it worth it", even if some details are different. 

My wife has tons of qualities, but she has a couple of defects that really drive me up the wall: one is the fact that she's completely inflexible and unable to compromise. The other thing is that she seems to pin every evil/mishap that happens in our life on me (even if she has to resort to on some far-flung thing I should have done at some stage to prevent it or she has to rewrite history a bit) - not wholly unlike your husband.

For a long time there has been a disconnect on my marriage - both sides to blame - but I have always hoped it work out for the best... I always chose to ignore the things above, for example, and felt that it was mainly her lack of interest in sex that was our problem - and in that sense I admit, like most guys, that my focus was probably a bit off.

But recently, I have found my wife got some male "friends" on the Net so I went into firefighter mode to try and save our marriage. I've been bending over backwards to try and patch things at a deeper level but I find that "let's make an effort" is only prompting me to do anything. I believe she herself has given up and is only going through the motions to keep the house and the kids... and I personally am going out of my mind with her unwillingness to fight and really don't know what else I can do.

I don't know where I'm trying to get to with this... but I just wanted to say that I empathise with what you're saying and that some guys are also doing one-sided efforts like you are...


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