# Ladies, I need your input.....



## trife (May 31, 2009)

First, sorry for the huge wall of text--I'd provide Cliffnotes if I thought they'd suffice. 

I need a woman's perspective on this situation right now. 

First, some background. My wife and I married back in November 2008 after dating for about 2 years, 8 months. Since then we haven't really had any major issues up until a few weeks ago. To cut to the chase, I found out that she was having a short but very involved emotional affair via text message and phone calls with some other dude. She works weekend, night shift as a nurse and I'm talking text message conversations from 8pm until 11am the next day. I only found this out because I was paying her cell phone bill for her online and noticed that she had used a TON of texts. I had mentioned to her recently that she never seems to shoot me a text while she's at work, which she always did before. She just replied that she is busy at work, which she undoubtedly is. So I found it odd that she would be using that many texts, and I'll admit--I was a little miffed that she couldn't talk to her husband but she could text all her friends and this guy a million times while at work.

Anyways.....I called her on it. She lied right to my face and tried to downplay the whole scenario. He's a friend of a friend, and she took it upon herself to contact him to help the fiancé of her work buddy get a job as an engineer. And she told me this well before I knew anything about the texting and phone calls, so I trust her on that. But obviously there's more to it because if it was just business, why the hell are you having a 15 hour text message conversation with another man when you're married?!! And why lie about it if you have nothing to hide!!! My curiosity got the best of me and I actually called the guy up with my wife in the room and asked him what was going on. He said that she told him that she was divorced!! Well, my wife begs to differ and says that he was there at work visiting another nurse when he was part of a *****ing session about marriages. I honestly don't think she would tell someone that she was divorced, so I trust her on that. She eventually admitted that she was wrong and that she could see how that would cause trust issues.

Fast forward to the next week, and my newly found trust issues with my wife got the best of me. I checked her phone records online and she had the audacity to talk to this guy on the phone for 40 minutes while driving MY car to come and get me at my job. And the clincher is that she called him and he called right back from a private number. So she admitted to doing this to see if I was checking her account--obviously I confessed to it and I honestly had no qualms about it. She starts freaking out about how I'm treating her like a piece of property by wanting to know her every move. I'm like this has never happened before until you gave me a reason to NOT trust you!!! So a rough week follows all of this, culminating in a huge fight. It was confirmed that she doesn't really want affection from me, which was another huge, red flag for me. We clearly have issues, and we acknowledged those and decided that we were not going to just let the marriage dissolve into nothing without at least trying to work on them (counseling). 

Keep in mind that in no way are we "stable" at this moment. We have good moments and bad ones. I feel like all I care about is making this thing work and I'm the one who has done all the work to contact and set up counseling appointments. Granted, my wife is a busy person but I feel like if its worth it, you MAKE the time to get done what needs to be done. So the kids go to their dad's house last week Wednesday and will be gone until tomorrow--perfect timing for us to go out and have fun again and reconnect. We hung out on Wednesday night and had a good time. Thursday, as well. Friday my wife works, but we had concluded that on Sunday she was going to use some vacation time so we could do something fun together since we had to get the kids the next day. Well, today (Sunday afternoon) after she woke up she comes out and says she's going to Florida until Friday! WTF!!!!? Keep in mind this is like 3 hours before she goes to work, and they're leaving straight from work. 

She had the opportunity to go there for free with 4 girlfriends from work. I'm happy that she gets to go, although I am somewhat jealous that I won't be able to enjoy the beach, too. But all in all, that's AWESOME that she gets a free trip. I even encouraged it a number of weeks back, and I stand by that. But on the other hand I feel like she's basically saying "eff you and our relationship--I'm going on vacation". I know we all need time with friends. We all need breaks. But damn--could she have picked any worse of a time to leave for a week? I had planned on hanging with her today and then taking the kids to do something on Monday and Tuesday. Basically I feel hurt, and I expressed this to her and she freaked out and acted like what I was saying was soooo unbelievable. She never acknowledged that hey--I have feelings, too. All that seemed to matter was she was going to the beach and it was free. Not once did she acknowledge that we REALLY need to work on our issues ASAP and that maybe being gone for a week could hinder that. 

And then there's the trust issue. Come to find out all 4 of the women she's going with are single and divorced. Sure, 2 are in serious relationships, but I guess I still kind of have an issue with that. And when I asked my wife that, she freaked out again and acted as if I had no reason to be so prodding and questioning. Umm, not even TWO weeks ago you were texting and calling another man!!!! How am I supposed to react to that?! And then she starts in on how she never questioned me all the times that I went back home to Michigan and blah, blah, blah. She refuses to acknowledge that the two scenarios are NOT the same as A.) we weren't married then, and B.) I didn't just get caught lying about an EA. 
*
So my question to you ladies is why would a woman do this? Why would my wife just up and bounce from the house during this very trying time? *I know it's a FREE trip to Florida, but damn--is our future not more important? We had planned to use these next few days to do some fun things together and reconnect since I had a few days off from work. I guess I feel like I'm on the back burner for a week while she goes and hangs out with the people she talks to and spends more time with than her own husband. Funny, she has no problem taking my money for the trip, yet she can barely even talk about it with me. 

Am I crazy for feeling this way? 

Sorry for the long read folks...I'm a wordy dude. Any help or input is greatly appreciated.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

Maybe they are just friends... 

I know for me, if I have no sexual attraction to a guy, I can certainly be and remain platonic friends.

Still, he would have to be some kinda strange guy to want to just sit and talk to a woman for hours and hours on end.
Could it be they talk to each other while they work? Being she's a nurse I can't imagine where she would have time to do that when working.

I would not be going and spending hours and hours talking to a guy as friends... but if I were I wouldn't hide it from my husband. That she tried to cover it up says something else is going on.

why don't you hire a private investigator to track her to florida, or hire on in florida? It would be worth it to know now if she's cheating rather than years from now.


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## trife (May 31, 2009)

Thanks for the reply. 

They're not just friends though--she admitted that she was lonely and that if I didn't intervene and nip it in the bud when I did, that it could have progressed. Why she's lonely is obviously an issue and one that I acknowledged I need to work on, but its never a good reason to step out on your spouse. 

As far as a PI goes, I'm not even to that point. Nor do I ever hope it goes there. I guess my main question is why in the middle of all this turmoil and us trying to mend and reconnect would she totally blow all of that off. I know she loves me. But I guess I just don't understand a woman's logic. As a man, I want to fix this crap ASAP and I feel like she should too, as she said she wanted to. But I guess the beach and friends takes precedence over our issues. I don't understand why if you acknowledge the issues why one would delay addressing them properly. 

Who knows...maybe this break will be a good thing.


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## Country Girl (Apr 19, 2009)

Sorry, but I'm going to be blunt here. It is time for a PI. You are to this point. You caught her texting another man (for many hours) and then she lied. Next, it is more important for her to go to Florida than spend time with you. Those things together speak volumes to me. She may or may not be had an affair, but she is sure headed in that direction.


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## perpetua (Apr 12, 2009)

I can see taking the vacation for one of two reasons: 1. To get away from the intensity of it all at home right now--just to get breathing room before diving back in to work on things; or 2) To avoid dealing with it at all, b/c I might have no intention of following through. So, without asking your wife, you can't really know--she could be using the vacation to HELP her work on things, or to help her AVOID working on things. In the big scheme of things, a few days away doesn't mean much--and there is no "fixing it" ASAP, as far as I know, so why be in such a rush? It will take a long time to rebuild trust and repair the damage her loneliness evidences, so maybe step back, let her go, and use the time to get yourself ready to be there for the long haul? Even in a crisis, you have to get on with living. . . I don't really know, but I hope you can work it out. Good luck.


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## trife (May 31, 2009)

Thanks for the replies ladies. Appreciate it. 

Honestly, I can definitely see what you're saying about taking a break from the madness of the past few weeks, perpetua. On top of our issues, my wife works 2 jobs and has 2 kids. Granted, I work just as hard, but at the same time I can see how she may need some space. And then again, when do you get a chance to go rent free in Florida for 4 nights? Doesn't happen often. I'm hoping and praying that she isn't going because she has no intention on working on our issues. 

I don't think that's the case though. Things were "cool" up until today when she decided to spring this on me 3 hours before she had to leave for work. I'm sure I overreacted a little to it, but that was my hurt speaking. To be honest, I'm glad she gets to go have fun with her friends. I feel its important to get away some. 

It's just the combo of the EA + timing + the fact that she's going with 4 divorced women. In no way do I want to generalize divorced women, but I just get an image of them all sitting around over some drinks telling my wife to get out of the marriage (she is pretty easily persuaded by others, except me--go figure). When I asked who was going she got kind of upset and exasperated, as if I had no right to ask her that. I feel like after the EA, she should be coming to ME to let me know all the details. She should be trying to win back my trust while I work on forgiving and moving on. I don't think she sees it that way. 

On another note, is it an omen that she's going with 4 divorced nurses that work the weekend, night shift?! lol I'm doomed. 

Ah well....maybe a few drinks will set me at ease for the night.


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## trife (May 31, 2009)

Should I be concerned that my wife won't respond to my text messages? 

Not that I've bombarded her with texts, but I sent out 2 to her today and I haven't heard a word back. She sent me a text to tell me that they made it to Florida safely (I asked her to call--go figure). I sent a response with a "have a great time and I love you", and I get nothing back which is unlike her. And I sent her a text an hour ago just saying goodnite and nothing. This woman lives on her phone so I don't think its a matter of not seeing the texts. 

I'm trying to tell myself that she is on vacation and she just wants/needs space. And I'm sure the latter part is undoubtedly true. I've told myself that I won't call her, but I don't think I should feel bad about shooting her a text here and there to let her know I'm thinking of her. I don't want her to feel like I'm stalking her while she's gone, but something just doesn't sit well with me about her NOT responding back. 

This sucks. Why must life be like this?!!


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

I think she's taking this trip not so much to avoid you as to test the waters with a PA. 

As mentioned, this is the time for a PI. 

If she can do this without getting caught, she'll do it again once she gets back and has learned from her friends about the pitfalls to watch out for. 

Having a girls night out is one thing (but in my case, it was actually cheating). Going on vacation with them is different. Someone is getting screwed here...and not in the good way.


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## MyKidsMom (Feb 5, 2008)

Oh honey is all I have to say. Do what you need to do but you know what is right here listen to your head and your gut not your heart. Something is a rye here.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

The 'freakshow' is the standard response to being confronted - and also rock-solid evidence that the 'friend' is much more than that.

Here's my guess ...
She either feels trapped or stagnant. Life is routine, boring, yadda, yadda. So, she is pushing the boundries with her life, and with you. You are part of the problem. The male in the affair, be it emotional or physical represents a solution - be it an escape, fantasy, intimacy, a connection.

My advice if you want results? Don't be there when she gets back. Don't answer her calls. Don't call her.

Before she gets home, go stay with family, or a friend, or hell take off yourself.

She isn't going to be invested in fixing your relationship until on some level she truly recognizes that it's at risk, and her behavior put it there.

You can sit around ruminating about what she's doing, and who she is with - calling her endlessly to either no return calls, or a callback wondering why you are freaking out. 
Trust me ... she doesn't get it. And the more you act hurt and reach out to her the less likely she is to get it.

Disappear, carry on about your business if you choose - but write her out of the equation. She will have to deal with that - and odds are she isn't going to like it. 
She will either realize that the marriage is truly in jeopardy and engage with you, or she will give you grief about your choice to take care of yourself. Either way, you have something tangible to address.
She is exercising control over the relationship to her benefit. I recommend that you do the same.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

If she needed the space, then your texting or calling isn't helping. Let her be--and yes, you do have a right to take care of yourself as you see fit. She may come back ready to work on issues or ready to bail--you won't know until she does. I disagree that she's using the trip to hide a PA--so don't assume that. BUT, do insist that she give you a straight answer on, "Are you going to work on this marriage with me now?" You are entitled to that. And depending on her response, you can decide what YOU want to do. 

Good luck.


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## trife (May 31, 2009)

Deejo said:


> The 'freakshow' is the standard response to being confronted - and also rock-solid evidence that the 'friend' is much more than that.
> 
> Here's my guess ...
> *She either feels trapped or stagnant. Life is routine, boring, yadda, yadda. So, she is pushing the boundries with her life, and with you. You are part of the problem. The male in the affair, be it emotional or physical represents a solution - be it an escape, fantasy, intimacy, a connection.*
> ...



So true. As a guy, I feel that I must know every detail about every damn situation, so I asked questions about this guy she was texting and calling. He's a big shot engineer here in town. I say that because we have been having MAJOR money issues the past few months. My wife, like a damn fool, went out and bought a vehicle that she couldn't afford and "let it go" about 3 weeks ago. Leading up to that point was utter madness over money stuff, so this rich dude seems like someone right up her alley. He's a way out of financial problems and ultimately, "security". 

As far as calling her endlessly, I haven't been. Same with texting. Like I mentioned, I sent her one last night and this morning to tell her have a great day. Nothing more, nothing less. Well, my impatience got the better of me and I called and amazingly she answered. I just said I was taken aback that I had got no response from her and she just kinda got quiet. I assured her that I wasn't stalking--just saying hi. Afterall, she still is my wife, right? Buuuuut, that's the last time I call or text her. If she wants to talk or whatever, she can call me. Obviously I'm a nuisance, so I'm not going to put myself in the position again. And good idea about not being here on Friday
. Odds are she'll go straight to work from the ride home, but we'll see. 

And here's the crappy part of all this today. Once again, my trust issues took over and I checked her call log online again. 2 calls from a blocked number. First, blocked callers don't call cell phones. Second, just 2 weeks ago these same shennanigans were pulled when she called him and then he called her right back from a blocked line. And the CLINCHER? The guy has a beach house in Florida. Why would he randomly call her today after 2 weeks? Hmmmm, I wonder. I don't want to jump to conclusions, because she may be trying to trick me. Last time I called her on the blocked number she already knew what I was pissed about before I opened my mouth because she claimed she was just seeing if I was still snooping. Well, I don't buy that because if that was the case you wouldn't talk for 30 minutes and then feel the need to hang up when I'm about to get out of work. So I'm not going to mention a word of blocked numbers at all to her...ever. When she gets home I will sit her down, look her dead in her eyes and tell me what happened. She has an uncanny knack for not being able to hide a lie very well, hence her cracking in about 2 minutes when I asked her about the texting/calls. 

I just want to know where we stand. I refuse to waste my time with someone who has already moved on and is not willing to attempt to make it work . The funny thing is that she agreed to going to counseling--we're scheduled for the 12th. Maybe we're too late. I'm hoping not. 

And to think I went to counseling today and felt kind of good after I left. Now I just want to get in my car, drive to FL and get to the bottom of all this. But that would only make me look like an arse and would definitely put her off, so I'll just sit here and contemplate my next move. Freakin' women (sorry ladies...I know it isn't all of you).


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Been there...got the dang t shirt. She's cheating. Wrap your mind around that and begin your exit plan. She won't be back to/with you. Get ready to move on. 

Change your locks now, today, tomorrow! 

Make her ask you for access. 

Don't asnwer the phone for several rings (just before it would go to vmail). Don't answer a couple of calls (tell her later you were "indisposed"). 

If she attempts to contact you while she's gone DO NOT respond! Let her wonder. 

I know it hurts, a LOT. But it is what it is. Take care of yourself first. Don't worry about. Don't think of her right now. Prepare to let it go...


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## trife (May 31, 2009)

dcrim said:


> Been there...got the dang t shirt. She's cheating. Wrap your mind around that and begin your exit plan. She won't be back to/with you. Get ready to move on.
> 
> Change your locks now, today, tomorrow!
> 
> ...



I'm not going to say that she isn't cheating right now, but I will give her the benefit of being able to explain all of this in person, one-on-one. We're married. If I just up and split without an explanation I feel like I'm not holding up my end of the bargain. And again, I'm not trying to be unrealistic here. It DOES look like something is going on, but I'll monitor what happens in the next few days here before I make my guess a "fact". 

At the end of the day, this is my wife. Yes, she got emotionally involved with another guy. No, I do not trust her at this point in time. Yes, some instances regarding this trip make me say "hmmm...". But then again, what if all these coincidences were just that? Of course, that's a pretty big what if given the circumstances. But I have to stay grounded. I think browsing this site has helped and hurt me, too. Hearing advice and stories definitely helps explain some of the things going on. But now I'm SUPER paranoid after reading some of these stories, and I'm just not that type of guy. 

As hard as it is, I have to attempt to take my wife's word for what it is, despite her deception in the past. And again, not to make myself sound like a chump--I do realize that all these signs are telltale behaviors of an affair. But like I mentioned, until I sit down with her and have a one-on-one, I have to hope for the best. As crazy as it sounds, I owe it to the relationship to stick around and see what happens. That said, don't think my next moves without her aren't being mulled over in my mind. 

Damn, who woulda thunk it--not even 6 months into the marriage. I guess the old adage about the first year of marriage being the toughest IS true. Madness.


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## scarletblue (May 20, 2009)

I have been where you are emotionally and it is definately not fun. All the "what if's" can make you crazy. At this point you probably have a worse case scenario running on a loop through your head.

I think at the very least, she is running from the problem by going on this trip. She hadn't planned on going until the last minute, right?
If she is with 4 gf's then it is doubtful that she is spending much time mulling over things about your relationship. That said, that could be all that is going on. Maybe she is just avoiding her problems and guilt.

Although, I don't like playing games, I do agree that it's a good idea that you not be there when she gets home. She needs to see your value again.

By the way, the first year of my marriage to my hubby was horrible! We got through it though. I wish you the best!


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

What it all comes down to trife, is deciding what _you want_.

Being able to identify what you want enables you to then make clearer decisions if specific actions bring you closer to what you want, or pushes it away.

For instance: if what you want, is to work it out and hold your marriage together, then you need to accept some factors. 
Being angry, challenging, and confrontational at this point, does not bring you closer to that outcome. 

If you know what you want, you also need to be able to decide what you are willing to tolerate or accept to get to that outcome. 

For the time being, she is going to continue talking to him, because, _that is what she wants_. Can you accept that she continues to have contact while you try to get to the source of the issues? 

Assume the worst. She's sleeping with him. Do you still want to work things out if you knew that were the case?

My entire point of this rambling is that right now, under these circumstances, the only thing that you have control over is you, and how you react to the circumstances. 

What I have seen frequently, in my case as well as many others here, is that the cheater simply pays you lip-service. They will agree to work on things. They will agree to counseling, they will agree to end correspondence with the other person, but it isn't a true investment. They expect you to carry the load. From their perspective _you_ are responsible for their unhappiness, so the onus is on you to meet their approval. They chose to cheat as a result of somehow feeling unfulfilled or unhappy - so consequently they don't really want to give it up, but they don't want to throw their life away either. So they continue to lie. 

It's a pretty ugly cycle. It is extraordinarily damaging. You can lose yourself, and your self-respect. You want to trust them, they will rant that you are over-reacting, 'it's not what you think', 'he's just a friend', 'I can't believe you won't give me the benefit of the doubt'; and all the while? They are betraying the very trust that you are trying desperately to recover.

The most important thing you need to know when you and she sit down, is not _what she's doing_, but what she _wants_. If she can answer that question, then the next easy question is; can both of you get what you want, together, married, working as a team.

If the answer for either of you is 'no', then steps become clearer.

Make the conversation solely about the relationship with TOM, and I promise you will walk away feeling frustrated and unresolved. Make it about how you got to this place, and whether or not you want to get out of it together, and you will have some answers. They may not be answers you like, but you will have them nonetheless.


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## trife (May 31, 2009)

Wow Deejo....good write up. 

I know what I want--I knew what I wanted when we got married. In no way do I have any illusion about it being easy after all of this, but I do know my wife is my heart. It is painfully obvious (more now than ever) that she just is in a BAD spot personally. Reflecting back the slow change is so obvious now, and I know that just isn't who she really is. All the people that I've spoken with who know her say the exact same thing. 

I've been trying to get my wife into counseling for awhile now. She had been going earlier in our relationship due to the face that her parents no longer speak to her due to her relationship with me. That is a HUGE issue for us and I have no doubt that it is at the root of all this. This whole month long debacle started as a result of our usual argument of me not making her feel like I have her back/feel like family. She has resentment towards me about all of this--she actually even told me that a few weeks ago. I've expressed to her that it was her parents choice to not have her in their life because of my race. And I've let her know that she places unrealistic expectations on me to compensate for that lack of a relationship with her parents. Is it any wonder this guy is an older, father figure? Nope. 

Anyways, it has been obvious that she is hurting, however she won't let me in. And this is even prior to the EA. Her walls started going up awhile ago and now they're REALLY up. It just is NOT like her. Its almost like she's another person. Scary. My wife isn't happy on the inside, although she portrays this bubbly, cheery woman everywhere she goes. I just hope that she can see that she needs work, as we all do. Looking back at our fights, it was always about how I made her feel. Granted, sometimes I have made her feel unloved, I'm sure. But I also know that my good deeds far outweigh the negative. I just wish she'd stop dwelling on all the bad stuff and realize we really do have a lot of good going for us. 

I'm really miffed about the fact that she hasn't attempted to call me since she left. We didn't part ways on horrible terms and I find it utterly disrespectful to not let your husband know what's going on. I mean, if she put the shoe on the other foot, she would be LIVID if I did this to her. And I don't want to control her or know her every move--I just want to be filled in on her life because I care. But all of that kind of makes it more obvious what's going on, I guess. Honestly though, her just blowing me off for five days REALLY makes me want to leave. It just isn't fair or right. 

Not sure what I'll do when Friday comes. Everything in me is screaming RUN FOR THE HILLS, yet I don't want to give her the easy way out. I feel like if I'm gone, her decision becomes that much easier. We need to confront this beast head on, whether she likes it or not. A resolution and plan of action is needed, regardless of if it includes us together or apart. I can't live life with someone who maybe wants to be married. I need to know she's fully invested in making us work, as I will be.


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