# new to talking..



## joshtried (Jun 14, 2009)

ok, so ive been married for 4 years now... recently i find myself being extremely angry and my wife all the time.. i think its ridiculous the stuff she does or doesnt do. im dont consider myself sexist or anything, but believe a household should be farely equal. that being said, i am the sole provider. the way i think about a household is that whoever works should do less of the house stuff. if both work (and contribute all their money regardless of the amount), then both should split all the "chores". we do have a 18m child, and i do understand that in itself is more work, but at the same time, i wipe 4x as much butt and probably change at least 2x the amount of total diapers she does due to line of work (im a nurse).

anyways, i find myself getting really angry recently, due to stuff like diapers being left around (alot less after i threatened divorce.....) and the house in general not being clean. its past the point of irritation. im down right angry all the time. im sick and tired of being angry already. all we do is fight.. and it is always (least it seems that way) her sniping me for a correction i made towards her.. ie: one day i asked her why she mixed my clean and dirty clothes into one pile when i asked her to pick up the floor (well after she is finished)... well, then i go to do laundry and am in the process of folding.. she comes in and snipes off "why did you mix my and the babies clothes". of course i start to say im not done, and she gets all irritated/irritating and says if you wanna make this a fight that she can. im just so sick of it. i grew up in a purty broken home, and i dont want that for my daughter, but at this point i feel that just having one parent around would be better for her... and i wouldnt wish that on anyone. 
for the love of god dont post "you should seek couseling". i think that is such a load of crap. how are you going to listen to someone that is not in your marriage, and let them tell you how your marriage is wrong, when your spouse is trying to tell you.. especially when the spouse has told you the EXACT same thing... same with friends, how is a friends opinion in our marriage more valid and sticks better than mine. and if that is truely the case, you must think that i am trying to gain something only for myself, and that this marriage means nothing to me.. 
ive tried this dialog with her.. and it just doesnt work.. more fighting. everything is fighting. im so tired of fighting... and im getting so angry that all we ever do is fight. anyways, thats guys and gals


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

If your current situation and discussion haven't worked.....why not seek counseling? (Don't get mad).

Counselors will not GIVE you advice or TELL you what to do! At least they shouldn't for the most part. Counseling can be a safe place to vent and unearth the real reasons of behavior. Give it a try....you have nothing to lose. 

By the way. Don't expect counseling to be a (1) hour a week miracle. Things did not occur overnight nor will any positive changes occur overnight. This will take work and time on both of your parts.

Resentment, on your side, more likely both sides is starting to build. This will only lead to more walls being brought up and a breakdown of the marriage.

I say do what you can and try everything.


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## joshtried (Jun 14, 2009)

the sad thing is, im currently in the phase where if she would just be an adult and want to live happily, things would be great. i wont say i hate appologies, but i really dislike them. if you truely want to appologize, do what you say your going to do and lets move on.. 
anytime ive had friends deal with a counselor, they always come back and say the counselor said we need to do xxxxx.. the sad thing is either spouse has said the same thing, and thats my whole point against them.. why cant spouses just listen to eachother when there is a legit complaint? (legit complaint begin why did you mix my clothes and walk away vs. why are you sepperating clothes how you want...)


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

Am so with you on this, J. I am one who does not like fighting. I can't bear it, so when it starts up I just get so angry. 

I agree she should be taking care of the house, since you are the primary moneymaker. I am seeing a few things here:

1) Having an 18 month old is stressful for everyone. Heck, I would imagine BEING an 18-32 month old is stressful, it is a very dynamic developmental growth period. Your wife, who is home with this active, challenging child probably could use you taking over as soon as you get in the door. I know you are dead tired when coming off a nursing floor, so you two are going to have to get creative. What I would do is FIND someone to watch the baby for the evening after you get home at say 7:30pm (assuming you work days...) OR have someone to watch the baby for 10 hours the day you get off a night shift.
The baby needs someone to take over, as your wife is full up with the baby, and you are full up with a long shift, so both of you need a break from the baby. Get a relief sitter, not just to separate from the stress of the baby but to also give you two some alone time to talk.

2) You sound tired; is your nursing job a stressful area? Do you work 12 hr shifts, three days a week, or do you work more than that? Do you work nights? The dynamics of your work schedule could be the cause of additional stress, especially if you are working nights and extra 12s. 

3) If your wife is not taking care of things as she once did, then there may be some depression and or anger going on. Often, when a new baby is added - and 18 months is STILL a "new" baby...and it is a FIRST baby, the woman is taken by surprise at how much WORK this little 28 pounds of energy can be! She may be angry at herself for not handling it well (baby, house, grocery shopping, etc) she may be depressed as often happens to women who get cooped up with a child for hours on end, she may be angry with you, as she was thinking: wow, he gets home in an hour, and i get a break. I don't think it reasonable for you, after a 12 hour plus shift to take over the child, hold it a bit and yes, change a diaper, but take over and watch it closely, no, you need some help to relieve you both. Your job is extremely stressful, as is hers. I am not saying you can't do it, you COULD just suck it up and do it, because it isn't going to last forever, but am suggesting relief help would help solve some of the stress.

I do not think you are being too picky when you ask she not mix the clean with dirty clothes. My sons do it - and i hate it, too!

It appears you two are picking at small stuff, and that is just an underlining sign of stressors building. 

DISCOVER the stressors and you will be better able to fix the fighting. EXPLORE this together in a mature, reasonable, helping fashion...when you don't have the kid around to constantly be jumping up to take care of in the middle of the discussions.


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## joshtried (Jun 14, 2009)

i work 12's (13 with report on both ends) at least 7 days every 2 weeks. i only work fri-sun/fri-mon and only nights with the mid week days off, and im on call kinda random like.. other than that, i DO take over for at least a little bit when i get home.. normally it is at LEAST a meal.. sometimes more sometimes less depending on the load the night before.. when i wake in the evenings on days im not working (i cant switch days and nights, so i sleep all days..) i take over the kiddo for a while. for 1 i know it helps, and for two i just dont want to hear her (the wife) for like an hour.. it sucks waking up and doing nothing but arguing. i also figured that me staying up nights would lessen the arguing, since she should be asleep.... but it just makes the arguing while shes awake that much worse... im on what feels like my last leg.. my friends say shes wrong, her friends say shes wrong, my dad says im wrong and her parents think shes wrong... so 3/4 ppl that arent us feel shes wrong about everything we argue over... i KNOW we are both to blame, because i shouldnt have let it get to arguement, but i also know im not creating this many... AHHHHH!!! lol


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