# This is a nightmare



## ItHurtsSoBad (Jun 9, 2010)

My husband of 24 years (he is 52) works for a company that is home a week and on the road a week. I just had a feeling something was not right although he was as normal as could be when he was home. I checked our cell phone calls and saw a number in Houston that I didn't reconize and I googled it and up comes Backpage with an "escort" on it in all her naked trashy splendor. OMG I almost had a panic attack. I called the number and the hooker called me back and I told her that I confronted my husband and he admitted he saw her and she actually told me that she was not a homewrecker but she does this for a living and yes she saw him and she even gave me some disgusting details. To make a long story short, he did admit it and after much crying and threatening on my part and telling him I knew much more he admitted he has been seeing these *****s for about 9 months. He said there had been about 6 or 7 of them. He just didn't know why he did it, but all the guys on the road with him does it he said. I am sickened by it. He begged me to forgive him and all the other crap that goes along with getting caught. He even went to church last week something he hasn't done in 20 years.

Now he seems to think that I am suppose to just forget it and move on. He gets furious when I keep talking about it. It's only been a month since I found out about it. I insisted he get a blood test for hiv and it was negative and he had not had the gall to expect me to have sex with him yet but its only a matter of time and the way I feel I think I would puke if he touched me.

I am wondering if I should go out and get laid just to feel like I'm getting a little revenge. I can't eat, or sleep or think of anything but what he has done. Please, how can I get over this? It's eating me up. Divorce would be so hard after all this time together but I swear at this moment I hate his guts.


----------



## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

I'm so sorry. Here's a HUG for you.

This type of thing can be so hard. At least he came clean about all of his stuff. That's something I never got--and my estranged husband was even doing the swinging couple's thing at one point. I know how hard it is to cope with infidelity. Time does help though.

You mentioned that your husband even went to church after a 20 year hiatus. Honestly, that's a good place for both of you to start healing. Perhaps you can talk with the minister. My minister and counselor really keep me going; and in some instances they have even worked together.

Hang in there.


----------



## iamnottheonlyone (May 9, 2010)

Don't expect him to stop cold turkey. He has a job that invites this. Counselling may not be enough. He has the attitude that you should just forgive him (and forget about it so that he can continue).
It is time for a new job. He needs to get off the raod. He is hanging with all these guys who do this. You can not trust him. And he knows it. No matter what you are giving him to meet his needs he currently has a need you can't meet. He needs to be transparent. Can you travel with him? Do you talk with him when he is away? That contact is very important just like any other communication.


----------



## savingGrace (Jun 10, 2010)

Honey there is only ONE word i can say "Divorce"


----------



## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

It Hurts So Bad.......GIANT HUGS TO YOU!!!!!!!!!
The part about him getting upset with you and wanting you to sweep his crap under the rug is because he now has to feel shame. Cheaters HATE to feel shame. He doesn't want to have to face the consequences of what he has done and the loved ones he has hurt, so instead he gets upset that you are holding his feet to the flame and making him "feel" this way. He did this to himself. NO WAY should he get a pass. 
You mentioned that he said that all his coworkers do this. Classic cheater talk. "Look, they are all doing it so I should too and it's not really my fault because look at all of them." It's called blameshifting. The other part of blameshifting will be him getting angry and trying to dig up "reasons" why YOU made him do this. You didn't love him enough, you didn't want sex as much as him, you didn't tend to his fragile ego. The list goes on and on. The bottom line remains, cheaters are cowards. The fact remains that cowards take the easy way out. If they are unhappy with something, they don't speak up, they just do what they want. Many will tell their loved ones "it was to spare you the pain" Bull****. It is to spare THEMSELVES pain. Self preservation. Now when faced with the consequences of his actions he is angry at you. HE doesn't want to feel bad about what he did. Again, classic cheater character. 
As for STD testing, HIV is one but you really need to have BOTH of you tested for Herpes. Even with a condom, Herpes can be transmitted through skin to skin contact. I am so sorry for that information. It must be like a dagger coming at you but you need to know the facts. 
As for him wanting forgiveness, there is a difference between regret and remorse. Regret is what a cheater feels when he/she is caught. Remorse is what a cheater feels when he/she realizes the total and utter devestation they have caused to the person they were supposed to love, honor and cherish. I will be real honest here. It sounds like his tears are about regret. 
DO NOT go out and have an affair as revenge. Of course you want to! DO NOT. Why? It will hurt him but it will hurt you MORE. Forget about him for a moment. You took your vows 24 years ago and maintained them. Don't cheapen yourself for him. Your dignity isn't worth that and he has proven he certainly isn't worth that!
I don't know what your next step should be. I would say counseling but he sounds like he has such entitlement issues it is disgusting. If he wants to REALLY work on the marriage, than HE needs to commit to intense therapy to figure out why he is a coward and why he needs external validation to make himself feel better. 
Again, GIANT hugs to you, my dear. My heart goes out to you.


----------

