# When his friend blocks you on social media



## agirlandhershells

To preface, I am happily married for almost 3 years and together with my now husband for almost 6. This topic recently resurfaced for me about a week ago when a friend complained to me that her boyfriend had her blocked on Facebook. 

I'm not sure how to approach this situation since I feel like this topic has been on the back burner for years and I don't know if there is sense in "beating a dead horse."

Here's the situation:

When we started dating, I noticed that one of my husband's coworkers seemed to communicate on his Facebook with a frequency and intimacy that made me uncomfortable. She herself was recently married, but I felt like her posts were too "cutesy" and I felt almost embarrassed at how flirty they sounded on such a public platform (since I was the girlfriend, after all... and I never posted anything nearly as flirty and intimate).

Prior to dating my husband, I had experienced heartache after my ex cheated on me with a woman that I had long been suspicious of. Although I tried not bring baggage in to the relationship (many years had gone by), and I'm not a jealous person ( I am generally okay with him being friends with woman), alarm bells just went off with this particular coworker. I felt like I had a good sense of when a woman might not have the purest of intentions or feelings, and I couldn't get passed this current woman and her public posts.

We had been dating for perhaps 1 to 1.5 years when I first brought my concerns up. My now husband dismissed these concerns and said that they were only friend/coworkers and that I was reading too much into things. She was married after all, etc. It got to the point where I could no longer ignore the posts and I private messaged her. I explained that while I valued their friendship, and understood that they were close, that I was uncomfortable with some of her posts (I cited examples) and went on to say that I hoped she understood that if her husband were posting similar messages on his coworker's social media, she too may be concerned. I finished by repeating that I wished nothing but the best for their friendship, but please just be a little more mindful about how your posts might come off.

She responded by simply blocking me. And continuing to post on my husband's social media, except that now I couldn't see it. (this was verified years later by a third mutual friend's profile)

I should also say that I trust my husband 100%, and never for a second worried that HE might actually try to pursue something with her. 

Anyway, about a year later, I confirmed that she had blocked me and I brought it up to my husband (he was now my fiance). His response was angry. He was upset that I had messaged her in the first place. He accused me of creating an awkward situation after he had told me to back down and leave it alone. I lost that conversation and chose to not bring it up again. 

We have now been happily married for 3 years. Recently, I was able to to log on to a second social media account that allowed me to view both of their profiles. It seems like they are still in touch, she is still posting on his wall (although with much less frequency) and liking his posts/pictures. It's nothing crazy, and he is clearly not going above and beyond to respond to her or engage her. It still bothers me.

I know nothing will ever, ever come of that relationship. I believe that his coworker simply had a crush on him. I also believe she handled my private message poorly. Instead of assuring me, she made me increasingly suspicious by blocking me. At the bottom of it, I simply feel hurt that my husband is still friends with her on social media (they were not friends prior to working together for 3 years, and did not see each other after they no longer worked together.. it's been about 5 years since they have last seen each other.). It feels like he doesn't trust my judgement, or maybe like he didn't support me. 

Because they are still interacting, I feel like perhaps I should bring it up. Before I do so, I want to make sure that I am not overreacting or being crazy. 

Please help advise me on whether this is something to even be upset about before I act on my anxious feelings.


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## Hope Shimmers

Instead of focusing on your husband's co-worker and expecting HER to do the right thing, maybe you should have focused on your HUSBAND and expected HIM to do the right thing. What did you expect to get from your original communication from her? You told her that you thought her posts could be viewed as inappropriate and you were concerned as to how "they might come off". Why would you turn to her first regarding how their interactions might "come off" to others? 

This is REALLY passive-aggressive behavior, IMO. Why didn't you contact your husband first and insist that he delete her as a contact? Why did you contact HER and ask that SHE fix things the way you want/need for your marriage?


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## Marc878

Hope Shimmers said:


> Instead of focusing on your husband's co-worker and expecting HER to do the right thing, maybe you should have focused on your HUSBAND and expected HIM to do the right thing. What did you expect to get from your original communication from her? You told her that you thought her posts could be viewed as inappropriate and you were concerned as to how "they might come off". Why would you turn to her first regarding how their interactions might "come off" to others?
> 
> This is REALLY passive-aggressive behavior, IMO. Why didn't you contact your husband first and insist that he delete her as a contact? Why did you contact HER and ask that SHE fix things the way you want/need for your marriage?


Exactly. Get him a copy of Not Just Friends. 

Marriage needs full transparency and none of this crap. Period


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## EleGirl

I agree with the above two post.

And I'll add that you saw what happened when you sent her a message. She basically took it underground. That is what happens.

If I were you, I would just keep an eye on their postings.


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## Satya

This relationship is inappropriate and if your husband can't see that then you have a challenging road ahead. 

Agreed your focus needs to be on your H. He won't budge? Well, sometimes you've got to put your foot down. How would he feel if you were messaging your male coworkers constantly. 

Friends that are not friends of the MARRIAGE are NOT FRIENDS. PERIOD. Friends of the marriage respect both you and your husband and do NOT push boundaries. 

Clearly, this woman has a crush on your H. Maybe they've had a PA, it's possible. The fact she's blocked you means they can have their little world without you interfering. How does it feel to be a thorn in the side? 

I'd try to contact this woman's husband to let him know. 

Both your husband and this woman are investing time & emotion into someone other than their spouses. THAT IS EMOTIONAL CHEATING.


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## Pluto2

:slap:

Oh no, of course your H wouldn't do anything to violate your trust, like have at a minimum an EA with a co-worker-never in a million years.


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## Aspydad

You need to have his Facebook password and there should nothing that he does on any social media account that you do not have access to. You are married right?

I had some dude that used to date my wife in high school sending messages to her Facebook account. He was also posting things on her wall about stuff they had done in high school. He actually told her in one of his messages that when she came to her home town, that he would like to take her and me out to dinner - I was like wtf is this dude thinking?? I asked her who this Dude was - she told me and pointed out that he was recently divorced. I just simply told my wife that the dude needed to get a life and that you are not his long lost friend - then went on her Facebook and deleted him as a friend for her. She did not complain one bit - problem solved.


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## SimplyAmorous

Unfortunate situation.. 

I feel a husband & wife should always take the concerns of the other at heart.. have a deep discussion about the WHY's we are having an issue...-that her posts were suggestive , flirty, etc...and hopefully, because you are his wife, he cares how you feel... he would see your side in this.. 

If the tables were turned & a male co-worker was doing this on your FB , for instance..how would your husband feel? 

I know I know.. it doesn't always work out this nicely....but yeah.. it should... so then we have to dig our heels in deeper... 

At the very least you should have been direct & honest with your husband , if he refuses to do anything.. removing her...then you will have to contact the woman... THAT would have gotten a response for sure [email protected]# ... This would have been more transparent & he would have no recall to be angry at you for going behind his back..

Just BEST to go to our spouses 1st .. it is they who are committed to us..to solve from the home front & be united .. 



> *agirlandhershells said:* She herself was recently married, but I felt like her posts were too "cutesy" and I felt almost embarrassed at how flirty they sounded on such a public platform (since I was the girlfriend, after all... and I never posted anything nearly as flirty and intimate).


Can you give examples of what she is saying.. posting ? You did say you are hardly worried he wants to be with her.. so he didn't respond to her postings then..just ignored them. 

Would you say she is an overly friendly type who posts liberally all over the place... or has she singled your husband out ?? 

I'm guessing bringing this up again is NOT going to go well... my question is..

What is suffering in the marriage itself ?? Communication, sex, etc? I would focus more on how to enhance the intimacy with your husband ...how does he feel about transparency ??.. and these things will be easier to open up & talk about ... Without this.. chances are he will start defending himself again -and it will be a repeat of the above....

So you & he don't share passwords, etc ? Another very good idea... this too should be something offered "willingly"... not forced.....


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## phillybeffandswiss

You were just dating so, of course he was offended. It is the same claptrap I remember when my wife said "I have more guy friends blah blah blah." You address the person you are dating, not the other party first. Even if he gave you the brush off, she isn't dating you and owes her husband loyalty not you. She had every right to block you and keep talking to her friend. Letting it go for three years was silly on your part. This is when the "her or me" conversation starts and you set mutual boundaries. Let's be real, it bothered you because you had a friend reporting the posts to you once you were blocked. 


I had a family member my wife didn't like, FAMILY, guess who I didn't hang around or associated with as much? Hint, it wasn't my wife who I distanced myself from. 

It's time to put your foot down. No, it doesn't matter if it is old and the contact doesn't seem as bad.


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## Faiora

I'm coming in late here but I feel a need to say something because to me, it really looks like you're in the wrong here. 

If this situation happened to me and someone was sending inappropriate messages to my husband, first off he'd be the one to show me the messages and we'd both shake our heads about it. The whole idea of him liking whoever-it-is in that is ridiculous - my husband and I are a team and it's ridiculous for someone to think they can intrude on that. 

It's also ridiculous for me to expect to change someone else's behaviour. So, it would not be appropriate for me to say anything to her. If my husband is bothered by the messages (which he might be if they were frequent enough despite his lack of response), then he can have a private talk with her at work about it, or simply block the messages from showing up in his Facebook feed or something. Keep in mind, they work together and it can be really important to maintain a good relationship with all your coworkers, which sometimes means keeping your mouth shut about bothersome things. If she's being truly inappropriate, he needs to either talk to her privately about it or bring it up with HR. But it is absolutely up to him and not you. 

If your husband isn't willing to do anything about it then I guess what you need to know is why. And the only not-okay version of that is that he's enjoying the messages and wants to receive them. If he's trying to maintain good relations at work or something, then why not just laugh at the messages together or quietly block her?

But bottom line is, this isn't an issue between you and your husband's coworker, it's an issue between you and your husband.


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## NextTimeAround

you should have figured out who her husband is and posted equally inappropriate stuff on his wall.

The other thing that I want to point out is that whatever wisdom / experience that you bring from earlier experiences should not be booked as "baggage."

I had problems with inappropriate relationships in my first marriage. that experience helped me to identify this problem sooner when I started dating my now husband.


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## *Deidre*

Your husband should remove her from his friends list, you are his wife...and if you are truly uncomfortable, and she blocked you (that is interesting in and of itself) ...he should see that as a bad sign on HER not you, and remove her from his friends list. The fact that he doesn't care about your feelings on the matter, is telling. You say you are happily married, but...if this has been an obstacle for a while, he should respect you enough to stop entertaining her on social media. Actions, speak louder than words, and your husband's anger with you and not her, is telling to me. What it tells, I'm not sure, but he doesn't respect your feelings on the issue.


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## synthetic

> We have now been happily married for 3 years.


No you haven't.

Stop lying to yourself.


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## Marc878

He's your husband. He should remove her period. 

If that was me I'd be PO'd.

Facebook is notorious. A true marriage is no place for this behavior. He is giving her status in your life here???????


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## MattMatt

Faiora said:


> I'm coming in late here but I feel a need to say something because to me, it really looks like you're in the wrong here.
> 
> If this situation happened to me and someone was sending inappropriate messages to my husband, first off he'd be the one to show me the messages and we'd both shake our heads about it. The whole idea of him liking whoever-it-is in that is ridiculous - my husband and I are a team and it's ridiculous for someone to think they can intrude on that.
> 
> It's also ridiculous for me to expect to change someone else's behaviour. So, it would not be appropriate for me to say anything to her. If my husband is bothered by the messages (which he might be if they were frequent enough despite his lack of response), then he can have a private talk with her at work about it, or simply block the messages from showing up in his Facebook feed or something. Keep in mind, they work together and it can be really important to maintain a good relationship with all your coworkers, which sometimes means keeping your mouth shut about bothersome things. If she's being truly inappropriate, he needs to either talk to her privately about it or bring it up with HR. But it is absolutely up to him and not you.
> 
> If your husband isn't willing to do anything about it then I guess what you need to know is why. And the only not-okay version of that is that he's enjoying the messages and wants to receive them. If he's trying to maintain good relations at work or something, then why not just laugh at the messages together or quietly block her?
> 
> But bottom line is, this isn't an issue between you and your husband's coworker, it's an issue between you and your husband.



That is all well and good. But this is not you, your husband or a co-worker of his 

One size does fit all.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tech-novelist

"A U.K. divorce site found that even in Dec. 2009, 20 percent of "behavior petitions" (which is British lingo for "reasons to file for divorce") contained the word "Facebook" in them, meaning that the site was in some way to blame for the marriage's dissolution. Just a couple of years later, that percentage jumped to 33 percent.

Not surprisingly, *the number-one reason why Facebook was at fault in these cases was due to "inappropriate messages to members of the opposite sex."* "

The Real Reason Facebook Causes One-Third Of Divorces | YourTango


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## *Deidre*

Well, people making bad choices is what is 'at fault.' Facebook is just the catalyst for many people to act out what they were already thinking of doing.


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## Mr The Other

The above posts are probably correct. However, it is possible he is trying to minimize this as he sees it as nothing. He tells his colleague to knock it off, his colleague blames OP rather than him and blocks the 'evil' wife.


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## alexm

Hope Shimmers said:


> Instead of focusing on your husband's co-worker and expecting HER to do the right thing, maybe you should have focused on your HUSBAND and expected HIM to do the right thing. What did you expect to get from your original communication from her? You told her that you thought her posts could be viewed as inappropriate and you were concerned as to how "they might come off". Why would you turn to her first regarding how their interactions might "come off" to others?
> 
> This is REALLY passive-aggressive behavior, IMO. Why didn't you contact your husband first and insist that he delete her as a contact? Why did you contact HER and ask that SHE fix things the way you want/need for your marriage?


I agree and disagree. Sometimes taking matters into your own hands isn't such a bad thing. But yes, she should have spoken to hubby first, with an eye towards rectifying it. She did, technically, and he blew her off, so she followed the logical next step, IMO.

I had this type of thing pop up a few years ago, wherein a male co-worker of my wife's would do similar things on her Facebook. Nothing outrageous, but clearly with an agenda (no matter how small).

I spoke to her first, and received much the same response as OP's husband gave her. Which is to be expected, really. I trusted my wife (still do), and I understand the awkwardness of her (or OP's husband) having to have a "chat" with the offending party.

It did continue, but my wife did not reply or respond in any way that would give this guy any thoughts that he had a chance or anything. Fine by me.

Until he posted a rather inappropriate meme photo and tagged her in it. (something to do with wives and blowjobs, if I recall).

She agreed that was not appropriate, and deleted it, but said nothing to him (that I know of) - so I did. Sent him a message, and politely told him that was out of bounds, not just for the obvious reasons, but also that our teenage son is on Facebook and likely would have seen that picture.

He didn't respond to me, but instead sent her a message, saying I contacted him about this picture, that he was sorry (that he was drunk when he posted it, lol!!!) and it won't happen again. She never responded to him, at least through Facebook (and likely not in person, either).

I'm with OP on this one, more or less. You can handle these things any number of ways, and they're all likely to bite you in the ass, somehow.

But sometimes being passive and expecting your SO to handle it isn't reasonable. If I were in OP's husband's shoes, it would be awkward for me to tell my co-worker to knock it off. I still would, but not everybody has the where-with-all to do so. I believe my wife is like that, as well. She has to work with this guy, doesn't want any office drama, etc. But I trust her, and her general lack of responses to this guy is enough for me. If he wants to keep wasting his time, that's his prerogative. And if he's dumb enough to keep barking up the wrong tree, well that's on him, as well. Meh.


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