# Are we just setting ourselves up for disaster.



## lostlindsey (Jan 6, 2012)

Bottom line: husband had an EA. I am hurt and am trying like hell to forgive. I think that I could get over this because the love is still there. As is the attraction. I don't wanna keep tabs on him for the rest of my life which brings me to my question. How do I know I won't be back on here crying for advice because he did it again? I'm only 29 and I'm not the catch of the century but I'm not ugly either. Going into this marriage I honestly never even considered infidelity on either side because we were so in love and even now 10 yrs later I felt the same way and then I found out that he obviously didn't. He stopped immediately so I don't have the issue of fighting for him which by the way I would never do. If someone doesn't want me then I'm not gonna make them. I feel like he did it once, he could do it again- and I don't wanna waste time on a marriage that is doomed to fail. He knew how i felt about any type of infidelity. that is was a deal breaker yet he did it. I feel like if this marriage didn't work out and i ever remarried at least i'd go in knowing that no matter what you assume ppl are capable of just about anything so I'd be prepared. I'd like to apply that logic to this marriage but my husband was on such a high pedestal so it's extremely hard to see him as a former cheater. i can't even watch him sleep without getting angry.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

lindsey it takes an awful long time to get over adultery. If your husband is serious about recovery he would be doing his everything to put your mind at ease and evidence he is not only faithful now but will be in the future. 

You are correct you cannot continuously check on him however what may help feel more secure are the following:

Telling your family and him he cheated
He writes a letter to them both apologizing for his affair
He signs a post-nup that gives you all the monies and assets , leaves him with all the bills should you divorce him.


These are but a few ways of ensuring the message and consequences of any future affair will be felt.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

lindsey it takes an awful long time to get over adultery. If your husband is serious about recovery he would be doing his everything to put your mind at ease and evidence he is not only faithful now but will be in the future. 

You are correct you cannot continuously check on him however what may help feel more secure are the following:

Telling your family and him he cheated
He writes a letter to them both apologizing for his affair
He signs a post-nup that gives you all the monies and assets , leaves him with all the bills should you divorce him.


These are but a few ways of ensuring the message and consequences of any future affair will be felt.


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## Debbie Roxs (Dec 30, 2011)

If you tell your family he cheated they might hold it against him. It could ruin holiday get-togethers for everyone.
It's good you posted your problem but do you have anyone you can trust to talk with? Like a best friend or a pastor? If you work it out and stay together I think it would be best if your family doesn't know.
On the other hand if you split up I can't see a problem with telling them.


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

Your story sounds a lot like mine. In fact we were at my H's Dr. appt the other day and he says "I've been a good boy",, and then said how much of a stupid mistake it was and how sorry he is that he hurt me.... YET,, we get home and he takes a nap, so I look on computer and see porn and "xdating" )Yes, a dating site.. WTH!! So, (at least on my side),, I can only believe about a 1/4th of what he tells me... and I feel like he's just trying to be all sweet and apologetic so I don't get suspicious...


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## armywife0520 (Aug 29, 2011)

I don't know enough about your husband or the situation to make give you my opinion on what I would do but you seem like an extremely intelligent, strong woman and I think you just need to follow your instincts on this one. I know you were blind sided but you can't get out of the marriage solely out of fear it will happen again. You need to be completely open and honest with him about how you feel and maybe try counseling. I 100% know how you feel about not wanting to spend your whole life "checking up" on someone as I am in the same situation.. 20's and married to someone I feel like I need to spend my days making sure he isn't veering off course again. We do have a decision whether to stay in the marriage or not and I have chose to ride the wave because I firmly believe that I need to do everything I can to stand true to my vows, even if he hasn't. It is your choice and either way it isn't your fault so just picture your future.. if you can't see yourself letting this go and trusting again than you know what you have to do. Feel free to message me if you want to chat. God Bless


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