# Newly separated



## Kay kay

Jumping right in!!! How many times can a woman forgive infidelity??? Is it just 2 strikes your out??


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## MattMatt

It depends on many different factors.


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## sunsetmist

If you are using your real email address, change it for confidentiality.


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## Kay kay

How do I change my user name lol??


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## Diana7

Its not about forgiving, because you can forgive someone while still ending the marriage. Personally I would never be able to trust again after one affair, let alone two. I doubt I would ever be able to have sex with that man again either. 
IF, and I say IF I were to stay with a man who had cheated, I would make it completely clear that if it happened again he is out. 

If someone has cheated with two different people, then their spouse would be a fool to stay with the cheater or ever trust them again, as they clearly have no boundaries with the opposite sex or moral values or integrity.


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## sunsetmist

To change user name contact : @EleGirl 

She is Administrator.


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## MattMatt

Kay kay said:


> How do I change my user name lol??


You send a PM to @EleGirl who can deal with this for you.


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## EleGirl

Kay kay said:


> How do I change my user name lol??


What do you want your new username to be?


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## TJW

Diana7 said:


> they clearly have no boundaries with the opposite sex or moral values or integrity.


You know, in the aftermath of it all, the thing I kept saying to myself was "....geez....what a prize...."... and would sing a couple lines from "I guess that makes me the winner ??"

It was just so totally wonderful (not) to still be married to this person..... the one who has completely corrupt morals, the one who can't be trusted, the one who has blamed ME for all of her choices, the one who has continuously tried to point out how the OM is better than me, the one who has no respect for her vows, for God, me, or our children..... the one who has an itchy puss and is concerned far more with scratching it than the well-being and emotional stability of her family.....

@Diana has it right.... when I would express these or similar sentiments, people would say "I guess you don't forgive her".... to which I wouild reply, "...yes, I do. I have forsaken any right to retaliate against her for what she did. The question, however, remains as to whether I want to continue my marriage, whether the emotional price I will pay is actually worth it for someone of her character....."


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## jlg07

Kay kay said:


> Jumping right in!!! How many times can a woman forgive infidelity??? Is it just 2 strikes your out??


It is however many strikes that YOU can deal with. For many, it is ZERO -- one cheat, and we're done.
Others may try to get over the first, but if you are betrayed again (they show that they cannot be monogamous), done. Others seem to allow this a number of times before it sinks in that it won't change and they either accept it or move on.

All depends on how YOU feel, not anyone on a forum.

If you give more details about it, I'm sure there are folks here who can help.


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## Diana7

TJW said:


> You know, in the aftermath of it all, the thing I kept saying to myself was "....geez....what a prize...."... and would sing a couple lines from "I guess that makes me the winner ??"
> 
> It was just so totally wonderful (not) to still be married to this person..... the one who has completely corrupt morals, the one who can't be trusted, the one who has blamed ME for all of her choices, the one who has continuously tried to point out how the OM is better than me, the one who has no respect for her vows, for God, me, or our children..... the one who has an itchy puss and is concerned far more with scratching it than the well-being and emotional stability of her family.....
> 
> @Diana has it right.... when I would express these or similar sentiments, people would say "I guess you don't forgive her".... to which I wouild reply, "...yes, I do. I have forsaken any right to retaliate against her for what she did. The question, however, remains as to whether I want to continue my marriage, whether the emotional price I will pay is actually worth it for someone of her character....."


I am always surprised that people think that forgiveness and reconciliation are the same thing. For example, some adults I know have been able to forgive men who abused them as children. However they would never be able to trust them around their own children and have no contact. 
When adultery has happened is shatters the marriage, like a vase that is dropped onto the floor breaks into in a million pieces. Forgiveness is important whether you sweep those pieces away and put it in the bin or whether you make that decision to painstakingly put it back together again piece by piece.


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## turnera

Forty years ago, I told my husband that if I ever found out he cheated on me (I had just caught me EX-fiance doing just that), he would never see me again. I would immediately disappear and divorce. I meant it. There's no point being in a marriage where the other person isn't putting you first.


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## EleGirl

Kay kay said:


> Jumping right in!!! How many times can a woman forgive infidelity??? Is it just 2 strikes your out??


How many times do you think a man can forgive infidelity?

How many time could you forgive infidelity?


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## Prodigal

Kay kay said:


> Jumping right in!!! How many times can a woman forgive infidelity??? Is it just 2 strikes your out??


If I was playing baseball, the strike count would be important. In marriage, no fouls, no strike-outs, no walks to first. 

My husband knew where I stood from day 1 on this issue, and my stance never changed. You cheat, I'm gone. Seriously.


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## Kay kay

It's not easy ending things after 22 yrs and two children.


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## Kay kay

He cheated 5 years ago and recently. Both times he lied and said it was just talking and texting but no meet ups. After talking to the other woman I found out about the meet ups and sex. Then he finally admitted he had sex with the woman from 5 yrs ago as well.


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## aine

Kay kay said:


> He cheated 5 years ago and recently. Both times he lied and said it was just talking and texting but no meet ups. After talking to the other woman I found out about the meet ups and sex. Then he finally admitted he had sex with the woman from 5 yrs ago as well.


Kay Kay, so sorry for what you are going through but there is no hard and fast rule, each marriage is different and each BS is different.
I would suggest that you just get your ducks in a row. If he could do this twice and lie about it, he will not suddenly change. If he gets off the hook now he most definitely will do it again. Where are your boundaries? How old are your kids?
I
would suggest you go see a lawyer, it will give you some comfort at knowing that you are planning an exit
Expose him to his family, your family, etc
Can you expose the OW also, is she married?
How old are your kids, can they be told also
Ask him to leave the home or move out of the bedroom
Do the 180 on him (read up on the 180)
Get tested for STDs (and make sure he knows about it!)


Honestly, if you are willing to stay in a marriage where you are constantly worried about his fidelity then dump him, it would be no way to live. If you are prepared to have an open marriage where you can also go and play the field but stay together for the sake of the kids, then go for it. Personally that would be soul destroying, but each person is different.


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## 3Xnocharm

Kay kay said:


> He cheated 5 years ago and recently. Both times he lied and said it was just talking and texting but no meet ups. After talking to the other woman I found out about the meet ups and sex. Then he finally admitted he had sex with the woman from 5 yrs ago as well.


He has proven to you that he cannot remain faithful. You gave him the gift of forgiveness/reconciliation and he blew it, big time. You should be done this time. Period.


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## turnera

Agreed. Despite me saying one and done, I MIGHT have given my husband one second chance. But never a third one.


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## Diana7

Kay kay said:


> It's not easy ending things after 22 yrs and two children.


No its not, but its not easy living with a lair, a cheat and an adulterer. Don't stay just because its uncomfortable to end it, it will give him room and reason to cheat again and again.


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## Prodigal

Kay kay said:


> It's not easy ending things after 22 yrs and two children.


I can only speak from my perspective. I wouldn't find it very difficult to pull the plug on a partner who not only lied and betrayed me on such a fundamental level, but wasn't truly remorseful about cheating. JMO.


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## 3Xnocharm

Kay kay said:


> It's not easy ending things after 22 yrs and two children.


Sadly HE doesnt seem to share the same sentiment....


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## wilson

Kay kay said:


> It's not easy ending things after 22 yrs and two children.


How old are your children?

You mentioned two women, but chances are you don't know the full story. Rarely does a betrayed spouse know everything. So figure that there may have been another women or two he cheated with, along with assorted other women he flirted with and crossed various lines with. It's not like random women just knock on his door one day wanting to have sex. There's all that time before of reaching out, inappropriate conversations, lunches, etc.

You're right that it's hard to start over. That's what keeps many people in bad marriages year after year. But realize that the future will also likely be bad. You might be focusing on the effort it would take to start over and thinking it's too much, but how does it compare to the troubles you'll have in the future?


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## Kay kay

My children are 18 and 22. If I stay it wont be for them. He has moved out of our home and agreed to marriage counseling and to do everything he can to regain my trust. I am scared there were other women and other lies.


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## turnera

first step - polygraph

Assuming you even want to try. At your age and in this year of your marriage, I would ask why. There's a poster here who left her husband in her late 60s. She just couldn't deal with his infidelity anymore. She couldn't be happier.


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## 3Xnocharm

Kay kay said:


> My children are 18 and 22. If I stay it wont be for them. He has moved out of our home and agreed to marriage counseling and to do everything he can to regain my trust. I am scared there were other women and other lies.


There probably were, Im sure you dont even know the half of it. Tell him he needs to write out a detailed timeline of every single affair/indescretion over the entire length of your marriage for you to even begin to know if this is something you can deal with. I have a bad feeling he is not going to be forthcoming and will want to rugsweep.


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## Kay kay

Where does one go for a polygraph test for their cheating spouse other than Maury P.?


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## turnera

Just Google it. Most cities have at least one company that works with cops and companies and other people who need them.


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