# DOA



## Kraquin (May 6, 2016)

Wife and I are early 50's, athletic, excellent health, no addictions, travel and enjoy several activities, have hobbies, known each other for about 40 years, been married for 11, previous marriages for both of us, no children between us.

I guess the easiest way to describe the main issue is that the person (my wife) I woke up with the day after we married was not the same person I married the day before. Sex took a nosedive as well as any other form of intimacy or affectionate gestures. I can't even remember the last time she spontaneously hugged and kissed me. 

Thing is I thought I was the cause of it and brought it up for discussion. Her response was that I wasn't the cause and that all that pre-marriage romance stuff was not necessary now. Still, I wasn't convinced so went to counseling (she wouldn't go) and over several years tried many approaches to coax even simple affectionate behaviors out of her but eventually concluded that it just wasn't going to happen.

Probably one of the most frustrating things is her unwillingness to go to counseling. I think she has a very passive-aggressive personality, is an incessant gas lighter and maybe has some issues with sex and intimacy from something in her past, what that is I'm not sure but it's like I'm competing with a ghost or being punished in place of someone else. Without a 3rd party I can't be sure nor do I have the skills to fix the issues if I was even in the ballpark. 

So over the course of our marriage it has been like watching a very slow predictable train wreck.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

How did the first marriages end? 

Sent from my SM-G920P using Tapatalk


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Kraquin said:


> Thing is I thought I was the cause of it and brought it up for discussion. *Her response was that I wasn't the cause and that all that pre-marriage romance stuff was not necessary now.* Still, I wasn't convinced so went to counseling (she wouldn't go) and over several years tried many approaches to coax even simple affectionate behaviors out of her but eventually concluded that it just wasn't going to happen.
> i


Wow. At least she was brutally honest. Now that she is married and got what she wants, you do not get what you want. What was your response to her on that or did you just rug sweep that marriage-busting comment?

Second question: Like many of us here, myself included, you put up with this attitude/marriage/lack of sex etc for 11 years. What has changed, either in you or your marriage to make this no longer acceptable?


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## Kraquin (May 6, 2016)

anchorwatch said:


> How did the first marriages end?
> 
> Sent from my SM-G920P using Tapatalk


I don't know why her marriage ended.

Mine ....... I was in the military and she couldn't handle the separation.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Kraquin said:


> I guess the easiest way to describe the main issue is that the person (my wife) I woke up with the day after we married was not the same person I married the day before. Sex took a nosedive as well as any other form of intimacy or affectionate gestures. I can't even remember the last time she spontaneously hugged and kissed me.
> 
> Thing is I thought I was the cause of it and brought it up for discussion. Her response was that I wasn't the cause and that all that pre-marriage romance stuff was not necessary now.


That is a pretty bold thing to say. Is she this way with all of your needs/concerns, or only intimacy?



Kraquin said:


> Without a 3rd party I can't be sure nor do I have the skills to fix the issues if I was even in the ballpark.


The only thing that would make this true is if you are completely unwilling to end your union over this issue.



Kraquin said:


> ...and maybe has some issues with sex and intimacy from something in her past...


This is in the running for understatement of the year.


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## Kraquin (May 6, 2016)

blueinbr said:


> Wow. At least she was brutally honest. Now that she is married and got what she wants, you do not get what you want. What was your response to her on that or did you just rug sweep that marriage-busting comment?
> 
> Second question: Like many of us here, myself included, you put up with this attitude/marriage/lack of sex etc for 11 years. What has changed, either in you or your marriage to make this no longer acceptable?


1. I'd never heard anything like that before and honestly didn't know how to respond. Through counseling I learned that being made to feel that something important to me is unimportant is my "normal" so as mentioned searched for what I had done wrong.

2. I suppose coming into my 50's and seeing my father in his 80's with one foot in the grave has placed some urgency on being happy. Some call it "mid-life crisis". I call it "realizing your mortality".


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Kraquin said:


> 2. I suppose coming into my 50's and seeing my father in his 80's with one foot in the grave has placed some urgency on being happy. Some call it "mid-life crisis". I call it "realizing your mortality".


My situation too. Even down to the father with one foot in the grave.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

You have to be willing to walk away to fix this. That means you tell her "Sweetie, if you don't fix this intimacy issue right now, I'm divorcing you and finding a woman in her 40's who will give me all the sex that I want."

You could also ask her to have an open marriage if you don't wish to split your assets. But that sounds miserable, living with someone who has no desire to be with you in the bedroom.


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## LadybugMomma (Apr 28, 2016)

Kraquin said:


> I don't know why her marriage ended.
> 
> Mine ....... I was in the military and she couldn't handle the separation.


You've been together for 11 years and have no idea why her previous marriage ended?? That shocks me.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

take the high road. the one that sets you free.


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## Kraquin (May 6, 2016)

farsidejunky said:


> That is a pretty bold thing to say. Is she this way with all of your needs/concerns, or only intimacy?


Intimacy always, other situations depend on who else may be involved or her own needs.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

LadybugMomma said:


> You've been together for 11 years and have no idea why her previous marriage ended?? That shocks me.


Also he said he's known her for *40 yrs.*..I was thinking maybe they were all friends so he knew her EX too !


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## Kraquin (May 6, 2016)

LadybugMomma said:


> You've been together for 11 years and have no idea why her previous marriage ended?? That shocks me.


I could make assumptions based on my experience with her but never considered her past any of my business.


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## Kraquin (May 6, 2016)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Also he said he's known her for *40 yrs.*..I was thinking maybe they were all friends so he knew her EX too !


I know her X and see him from time to time, nice guy.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Kraquin said:


> I could make assumptions based on my experience with her but never considered her past any of my business.


My turn. Same comment. * That shocks me.*

Really? "never considered her past any of my business."? And look what you have now?

Bottom line question: Do you love her and are you willing to spending the rest of your life with her in the same situation?


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

This is who she is now, she has spelled it out for you. You have two choices, stay and live like this or leave. She has no desire to go to counseling because she doesn't think there is a problem. At least you don't have children between you so you don't have to fight over custody.


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## LadybugMomma (Apr 28, 2016)

Kraquin said:


> I could make assumptions based on my experience with her but never considered her past any of my business.


With my H, it was important for me to know why his previous marriage ended as it was important for him to know why mine ended. 

I guess it gave me a little insight as to the person I was considering getting into a serious relationship with.

Maybe too, it's just my need to know everything personality?


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## Kraquin (May 6, 2016)

blueinbr said:


> Bottom line question: Do you love her and are you willing to spending the rest of your life with her in the same situation?


Good question and I have played out in my head what I would say if she asked me if I loved her or would marry her all over again.

I love her but I don't like how things have turned out. When she flipped the switch I would have given a couple ultimatums. Obviously she knew before we married what she was going to do.

The thing about remaining in the relationship is that I can't give a black and white answer. I know what she is capable of. I see how affectionate she is with other people. I know that the relationship is capable of being good, it once was. After reading so much about how others in similar situations have turned their marriages around I just believe that there is some button I haven't pushed yet but then again she's not helping me to find it............... which is also indicative of her control issues.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
you and your wife have very different ideas of what marriage should be. You (like myself) think that marriage should be built on love, intimacy, romance. She seems to see is as some sort of functional partnership.

You have no children.

Tell her that you want to go to a marriage counselor or a divorce lawyer.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Kraquin said:


> After reading so much about how others in *similar situations have turned their marriages around I just believe that there is some button I haven't pushed yet* but then again she's not helping me to find it............... which is also indicative of her control issues.


Not wanting to burst your bubble, but if you keep reading here you will also there are others in similar situations who have not turned around their marriages. There are also quite a few (mostly woman) who are ending their 25+ year marriages after having put up with their husbands for decades. 

You must realize that you cannot turn this around by yourself. There is no magic button to push or knob to turn that will do the trick. If you continue with that thinking, you will get nowhere and you will get more resentful. This is not about you. It is about BOTH of you and she needs to participate in fixing this. Remember, you have the power to walk away, but I take it that is not an option you are ready to consider. 

I clearly sympathize with you on the counselling. My W refuses to go too. That is a dead end for me. 

Who wants this relationship more? You or your wife? I imagine you do and so that puts all the power in her hands, as you already know.


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## Kraquin (May 6, 2016)

blueinbr said:


> Remember, you have the power to walk away, but I take it that is not an option you are ready to consider.


I have to be honest in that I'm not happy and haven't been for many years. I know I'm holding on to a lost cause. My counselor didn't/wouldn't specifically say that but it became the obvious conclusion. 

I would rather be alone and not be in a reciprocating affectionate relationship because ........... I'm alone than be with someone day to day who withholds it. 

There is a large underlying concern though. We live in a home that has been in my family for many, many years and I have invested A LOT of personal labor and materials in it. I also have a pension and other investments whereas my W came into the marriage with nothing to contribute towards security in our later years and has not made any effort to do so. It is like being between a rock and the universe ......... I can't imagine losing half my life's efforts to someone who is unwilling to work to fix the marriage, who hasn't contributed to our security and all in the span of a little more than a decade.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Wow, very sorry to hear this. If my wife said that to me I would have gotten the marriage annulled. Counselling is not going to fix this, she's going to have to change her mind on her own or the marriage will be doomed. Did she ever tell you why she feels like this?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Why don't you see a lawyer? With such a short marriage compared to the decades you spent building your assets, maybe she wouldn't get half.


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## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

You were bait and switched. Or she totally freaked out once the commitment and permanence of marriage settled in.

Regardless..

Do you really think that you can coerce or force her into wanting to have regular sex with you for the next 30 or 40 years?


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Livvie said:


> Why don't you see a lawyer? With such a short marriage compared to the decades you spent building your assets, maybe she wouldn't get half.


This. She can't get all of your stuff. Only half of what you earned since marrying her. If you plan your exit with an attorney/CPA, you should be able to do some stuff to ease your financial pain.

I used to pray to God to take my ex wife's life in a car accident, illness, heart attack, you name it. That's how miserable I was before I walked away. You can't put a price on your happiness. Lucky for me, I'm 34 and can recoup everything I lost.


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## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

Kraquin said:


> I think she has a very passive-aggressive personality, is an incessant gas lighter.


We used to do that in college all the time. We'd eat a bunch of beans, or cabbage, or other "flatulence producing materials". Then we'd head back to the dormitory. One guy would hold the lighter, the other guy would let one rip and we'd watch the fireworks. Not sure how this is relevant to the thread though?


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

You've made some headway with your counselor. Why shouldn't you have the love you deserve. Whether it's with her or without her. 

Here are some links that may help you continue.

No More Mr Nice Guy

Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No, Learn to Take Control of Your Life

It's a bit concerning you don't consider someone's past relevant to who they are. You ought to ask her where she got the idea that dating your mate ended when you get married. I suspect that's what ended her first M. Never the less, nothing will change until you do. 

Best.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Because we talk divorce, have you RECENTLY calmly sat down with her and explained that you think the marriage is in trouble and that you are not happy? Make sure you have the BEST time to do that, when stresses are minimal.

Get a copy of the book "5 Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. There is a quiz you and wife each take to help understand each other's type of love. If you want fast, there is a free app in the app store. Download it and take the quiz, then ask wife to do same. You might learn something about your wife. I did.

Did I mention it is free app?


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Typically, the law doesn't give a spouse any pre-marital assets. Also typically, the longer you are married the more you pay in terms of alimony. Most states have a formula based on the length of marriage. For example, a 10 year marriage might qualify one for 1-5 years of alimony where a 19 year marriage may entitle the lower earning spouse lifetime alimony. So, the sooner you file for divorce, the less you stand to lose.

IMO, the woman you married baited and switched you. She behaved as she was expected to behave in order to seal the deal and get you locked down. Once that happened, she no longer had to keep up the pretense. She admitted as much to you. Knowing that, it's clear that her behavior isn't going to change. If you're still unsure, ask her ex. I'd be willing to bet she wasn't any more affectionate with him.


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## zzzman99 (Oct 23, 2015)

anchorwatch said:


> You've made some headway with your counselor. Why shouldn't you have the love you deserve. Whether it's with her or without her.
> 
> Here are some links that may help you continue.
> 
> ...



Married Man's Sex Life Primer is what he needs


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

LadybugMomma said:


> You've been together for 11 years and have no idea why her previous marriage ended?? That shocks me.


Agreed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2ndchanceGuy (Sep 28, 2015)

I agree it sounds like a case of the bait and switch. It sounds like she even pretty much admits it .

This is my worst nightmare. It seems so common. These divorced women pour on the charm and sex till marriage then
you find out all they wanted was the security .... sad 

Good luck OP , have you thought about doing the "180" that is talked about on here ?


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

And that my friends is why I will never get married again if something happens to my marriage ie divorce or death God forbid.


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## Kraquin (May 6, 2016)

Mclane said:


> We used to do that in college all the time. We'd eat a bunch of beans, or cabbage, or other "flatulence producing materials". Then we'd head back to the dormitory. One guy would hold the lighter, the other guy would let one rip and we'd watch the fireworks. Not sure how this is relevant to the thread though?


On a forum like this I would think that most everyone would know what gas-lighting is ........ "a form of mental abuse in which a victim is manipulated into doubting their own memory, perception and sanity." 

If you're not being serious then the joke is on me I guess.


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## Kraquin (May 6, 2016)

zzzman99 said:


> Married Man's Sex Life Primer is what he needs


Yes, I read that book about this time last year.


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## Kraquin (May 6, 2016)

2ndchanceGuy said:


> Good luck OP , have you thought about doing the "180" that is talked about on here ?


Had to remind myself what that is. I've heard or read about that before somewhere.

The tank ran dry several years ago and I've inherently been in that mode since then. It doesn't/hasn't incited a change in her or prompted her to initiate any inquiries as to why I don't do what I used to do.

The only thing she has said in connection to my (in)actions is that she thinks I am "done" with her but wouldn't discuss it and said she would figure out how to make herself happy on her own.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Why did you stay married to her after she turned her back on you and your marriage?


Why are you with her now? She will make herself happy on her own. Accusing you as the cause of all the problems after she shut down after the wedding.


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## Kraquin (May 6, 2016)

ABHale said:


> Why did you stay married to her after she turned her back on you and your marriage?
> 
> 
> Why are you with her now? She will make herself happy on her own. Accusing you as the cause of all the problems after she shut down after the wedding.


Well like I mentioned I'd never heard anything like that before and honestly didn't know how to respond. I thought it was me so set off for several years trying different things and going to counseling. After many years there was quite the emotional investment. Hindsight is 20/20 so yes, I would have done things differently and wouldn't be with her now.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

She probably is passive-aggressive. My husband did just like your wife...as soon as we were married it was like a switch was flipped. I had seen some red flags before we married, one being that he showed little interest in me and I was the initiator 85% of the time. Shortly after we married husband rejected me one night, no reasoning which I thought was odd. I asked the next day what it was about. He told me he wanted me to know what it felt like to be rejected. Very odd comment coming from someone who was not approaching his wife in the first place. In our first year of marriage he had his first infatuation with another woman, seeking her for attention and her time, pursuing her yet he showed no interest in me. Why I put up with this for so long is beyond me now, 27 years. I have filed for divorce. All of my counselors have said that husband is PA and the counselor I am seeing now says he is also a narcissist. Fun!!! I wish you luck, it is not easy and it does not get better.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Kraquin said:


> Well like I mentioned I'd never heard anything like that before and honestly didn't know how to respond. I thought it was me so set off for several years trying different things and going to counseling. After many years there was quite the emotional investment. Hindsight is 20/20 so yes,* I would have done things differently *and wouldn't be with her now.


IMO 95% of the people here feel the same. We have iphones and HDTV, but no "do over" buttons. That is for our great, great, great grandchildren to enjoy.

So back to reality. I will post again today what I told another of us similar guys yesterday. You have a few choices:

1) Divorce and find another lover
2) Open the marriage
3) Have an affair or find a FWB
4) Use escorts. Clean good ones, not street h******
5) Stay where you are and be miserable.

Seems to me you would go with #1 if it did not cost you a lot of money. What price is your happiness? You only live once and we both are not younger anymore. 

Do the cost/benefit analysis of between #1 and #4. Let's say it costs you $200,000 in assets to divorce. Plus another $20,000 in lawyer fees. That's $220,000.

How many visits can you get with an escort for one quarter of that? $50,000 Quite a few.

I am just trying to open your eyes. Move fast because once you or wife develops a serious medical condition, you options go down drastically. When that happens. welcome to my world.


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## Kraquin (May 6, 2016)

blueinbr said:


> Move fast because once you or wife develops a serious medical condition, you options go down drastically. When that happens. welcome to my world.


How so?

She has had breast cancer. The Dr. offered a lumpectomy but she went for a double mastectomy. She didn't need chemo or radiation and brags about how well the surgery went and how nice looking her untouchable new boobs are. Regardless, all these marriage issues were present well before any of that happened.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Kraquin said:


> How so?


Ok, so the medical issue is behind her. That is really great news. I was referring to a chronic, serious condition that will not go away. If you think you will find a quality woman who will accept that you divorced a dying or seriously ill wife, you are crazy.

13 more posts from you and you can read my story.


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## Kraquin (May 6, 2016)

Kraquin said:


> The tank ran dry several years ago and I've inherently been in that mode since then. It doesn't/hasn't incited a change in her or prompted her to initiate any inquiries as to why I don't do what I used to do.


Yesterday had a conversation with my wife. She said she had noticed I have seemed angry and in a bad mood for quite some time. This proceeded into a discussion about behavioral influences. I tried to illustrate how her decision to stop being affectionate and limit sex after we married has incited the behaviors she sees in me now.

The fascinating thing is that she said that was all in the past. Then she explained to me how she is taking her cues from someone (though she wouldn't tell me who it is) on how to deal with issues. If I understood her correctly her philosophy now is to just move on from those issues that cause her to be upset or that can't be changed. She said she is taking this persons example without their knowledge. 

I suspect this person is her daughter whose husband has been quite the project. Her daughter is the most prideful person I have ever known and rather than learn from her starter marriage and provide a better life for her children she has chosen to stay with this guy and have her children acquire the same repugnant behaviors as their father. Despite his transgressions she just smiles and goes about her business. I can see where some people would look at that as admirable and it probably does keep the overt conflicts to a minimum but ................. it doesn't solve anything and it affects other people.

It does make sense in that I have noticed my wife either shunting engagement over issues or presenting a curiously uncharacteristic and pleasant attitude after a "lively" discussion. 

So what I took from it is she is going to pick and choose what issues we confront and if I don't like it then I should be like her and put it in the parking lot and move on with a smile on my face like she does. Again, that doesn't solve anything.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

The more important piece of the equation is what you intend to do with that information. 

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Kraquin said:


> Well like I mentioned I'd never heard anything like that before and honestly didn't know how to respond. I thought it was me so set off for several years trying different things and going to counseling. After many years there was quite the emotional investment. Hindsight is 20/20 so yes, I would have done things differently and wouldn't be with her now.


A woman my mother knew pulled the same stunt pretty much after she got married.

Her attitude was: "Well, what can he about it, now? Once you have them hooked you don't have to bother to try!"

My mother and some other friends warned her but she took no heed.

When he left her and filed for divorce she was stunned.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

Kraquin said:


> I don't know why her marriage ended.


:scratchhead:


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## Kraquin (May 6, 2016)

MachoMcCoy said:


> :scratchhead:


sure I can assume based on my own experience with her but I don't know specifics


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

The conversation that you speak of that she really does NOT care about your feelings. It's about her. This is less about sex and more about respect and consideration for a partner. She doesn't have any nor does she wish to figure it out. It seems that she doesn't think that you will move on?

No person can tell you to move on. It's on your timing and tolerance level. I am long suffering and tolerant. However, I am NOW divorced and I gave him every opportunity to make it right. Then, I moved on. Sometimes, when you don't see a light at the end and the relationship is so unhealthy....you have to do right by you.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Kraquin said:


> Thing is I thought I was the cause of it and brought it up for discussion. Her response was that I wasn't the cause and that all that pre-marriage romance stuff was not necessary now. Still, I wasn't convinced so went to counseling *(she wouldn't go)* and over several years tried many approaches to coax even simple affectionate behaviors out of her but eventually concluded that it just wasn't going to happen.





blueinbr said:


> I clearly sympathize with you on the counselling. *My W refuses to go too. That is a dead end for me. *


Update: I never would have believed it. After 10 years of my asking, my wife started IC. First session last week, and another on Wednesday. I found a therapist right near our house that is perfect location for her. She knew I was seeing a therapist (already had 2 of 6 free sessions) and I told her when my free sessions are over, I am going to move to the therapist close by the house and if I do then she cannot go there. She would have to find one much further away. She took the close-by option. 

I thought the odds of my wife starting IC was same as me being struck by lightning or winning the Powerball. Next week I probably will win the Powerball but be killed by a lightning strike.

What I think motivated my wife was that she saw me going to IC and reading the self-help books, including the ones on detachment and codependency. She thought I was doing all this to fix the marriage. I told her No, I was doing this to fix ME and help me understand my OPTIONS. I was purposely vague on what I meant on that. I told her that her IC would be to fix her, not the marriage. Maybe she saw the benefit of her starting IC. IDK and I don't ask. She is going and that is enough for me. At least for now. 

Don't give up hope.


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## Kraquin (May 6, 2016)

A couple things I want to add about the recent discussion with my wife.
It started off with talking about an event that I loathe and she knows it. It's not something I have to go to and haven't for a year or so but she will play the guilt card and try to get me to go. I personally have never understood that way of thinking. Why would you purposefully try to guilt someone you supposedly love into attending something that would make them miserable? To me she doesn't see me as a person but an object to complete some sort of picture in a social setting. The funny thing is this event is the only place where she will show any affection towards me.

This was followed by a discussion about finances. I have a pension from a previous career, I work full time and have a couple investments that I contribute to. My wife has a couple part time jobs because she likes the people and won't work full time. She has an IRA only because she inherited some money but she doesn't contribute to it and it's managed by one of those earnings sucking brick and mortar firms. So essentially it does nothing. I explained to her how those firms work cause all she did was go in, hand over her money and asked them to just not lose it. She won't move it because "it would hurt the feelings of the broker". So eventually I got her to agree to contribute $250 a month to it or something else I would set up. Yesterday when I came home from work there was $250 laying on my keyboard. I asked her what it was for and her response was, "It's my rent money or whatever to make you see I'm worthy". It was a very typical snotty response and just blows my mind that at our age she feels no obligation/desire/urgency to contribute and ensure some measure of post-retirement security.


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## Nix (Jan 23, 2012)

To me the biggest issue with your W's attitude is her apparent unwillingness to acknowledge that your needs matter as much as hers.

I am the high desire spouse. It's a painful issue for my W and me, but we talk about it openly and my W has told me numerous times that a healthy sex life is important to her and to the health of our M. 

It is possible to make a hi/lo desire situation work but both parties have to be willing to meet in the middle.

I'd like more frequency but I am getting what I need regularly and that in the end, is most important.

Sexual issues often are a symptom of deeper underlying issues, sounds to me that your W is very selfish and perhaps doesn't have as much invested in the M as you do - this was the undoing of my previous relationship.

Best of luck, I agree that you need to stand up for yourself and decide if this type of situation is something sustainable over the long term.


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## Kraquin (May 6, 2016)

Nix said:


> It is possible to make a hi/lo desire situation work but both parties have to be willing to meet in the middle.


That's not going to happen. She doesn't see the need for sex. She has made some pretty disparaging comments regarding men and sex and has even stated that sex on specific days of the week is off limits because she has too many other things to do. Regardless, I'm not the type of person that would find any pleasure having sex with someone who is only doing it as an obligation.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

What are you waiting for?

Give yourself permission to end it. 
You are the only one preventing you from ditching thr anchor and setting sail.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

Kraquin said:


> That's not going to happen. She doesn't see the need for sex. She has made some pretty disparaging comments regarding men and sex and has even stated that sex on specific days of the week is off limits because she has too many other things to do. *Regardless, I'm not the type of person that would find any pleasure having sex with someone who is only doing it as an obligation*.



I agree, it's not pleasurable in any way to have sex with a wife who is giving pity sex. 

If this has been going on for 11 years you have waited too long for any possible change by her. It's set in stone in her mind. 

And the reason is, she does not think you'll do anything about it. Meaning divorce her. 


Talk is cheap...action is what it takes. 

MMSLP book won't do much to help his marriage but it will do wonders for him to be in better shape mentally and physically for a woman who will give him the affection and sex he wants. 


Last piece of advice, if you decide to stay in this marriage you'll need to rule out any form of affair that might be going on. Not every women who acts like your wife is in affairs but what you describe is a red flag. The spouse who's in an affair will a lot of times hold back or completely stop affection and sex because it will seem like they are cheating on their affair partner if they have sex with their spouse. 

But you say it's been like this most of marriage so it does just sound like she's been doing this for so long it's normal.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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