# The Five Love Languages



## Riverside MFT (Oct 5, 2009)

What is your love language? Do you enjoy cuddling with your spouse? How about going out together? Do you like to receive thoughtful gifts from your spouse? Gary Chapman has identified 5 different love languages and describes them in his book <em>The Five Love Languages</em>. 

He says that everyone communicates and feels love in different ways. More often than not, we do not speak the same language as our spouse when we are communicating our love to them. Similarly, our spouse may try to show that he or she loves us, but we may misinterpret their actions because they are not speaking our language. 

The goal of this book is to help couples better understand each other and to help couples be able to better express and feel love from their spouse. Gary has also created an assessment where you can determine your own love language for free. You can access the assessment by going here:
The Five Love Languages | Improve My Marriage

They will ask you for your website but you do not have to give it if you do not want to. You will still receive the results of your test, you will just not have a hard copy of the results.

I would encourage you to take the assessment (hey, it is FREE!). I would also encourage you to have your spouse take the love lanuage assessment as well. Talk to each other about your results. Talk about things that they say or do that makes you feel loved and allow them to do the same. Then go and love your spouse in a way that he or she will understand.


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## miscommunication (Oct 1, 2011)

Actually read the husband version, desperate marriage and about to read five love languages for children. A definite must read for all couples. I wish I had read it ten years ago, my marriage would be in a better place.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

It is an excellent book. I always assumed that every human expressed and received love the same way! The book should be given to every newlywed couple.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Thor said:


> It is an excellent book. I always assumed that every human expressed and received love the same way! The book should be given to every newlywed couple.


I've also been reading on this site that "His Needs Her Needs" is also a fabulous read as well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## miscommunication (Oct 1, 2011)

Thor said:


> It is an excellent book. I always assumed that every human expressed and received love the same way! The book should be given to every newlywed couple.


I have actually given the husband version as a gift and have gotten several male friends to read it. It has really been helpful.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I really believe that one of the reasons me & mine get along so very well is... because we have the very same love languages in the exact same order, this is so evident we knew it before we took the 2 tests that we did in the past. I did my own thread on this http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...-languages-how-does-affect-your-marraige.html


I think it makes it all the "sweeter" when we genuinely desire to please cause it is what we enjoy doing ourselves !! 

Let's face it , the majority of people are selfish, I know I can be, so to be matched with someone with the same selfish desires as myself ... well heck , that is near Heaven!!

I also have the "5 Love Languages for Children" book, I can tell what my kids are...or so I think ...by observing them, interacting with them...I just know as they start bringing home dates, I will be having talks with them to explore these orders with thier prospective future mates, cause it can become a huge deal if one is more on the selfish side , not feeling or undestanding the other. A quality time woman should not marry a Work a Holic. It would be too hard on her. 

I had a freind who was purely a Acts of Service women, all she did was complain how he never helped her around the house, that was on the bottom of his list- while Physcial Touch was at his top -where it was at the bottom of hers = constant fights. Emotional connection lost. IN there case -ended in divorce. 

I know of an older couple, I was talking to her one day about her marriage, they both are "acts of Service" at the top....and they have a great marraige--over 40 yrs ... I asked if he ever compliments her on her cooking, she is a FABULOUS COOK..... she looks at me and said "NEVER" then went on to tell me something I will have a hard time believing....

SHe goes on to say ...in over 40 yrs with him, he has ONLY COMPLIMENTED HER ONCE ....she remembers the day and almost fainted -it was 19 yrs into their marriage, she had a black dress on ... my eyes about popped out of my head, I said, "well darn, I guess Words of Affirmation is not near the top of your list!" Cause surely she would have felt down , kinda depressed wanting more from him -if so, her cup would have been as DRY as the Sahara desert. 

So they were a good match too . I don't think too many women would have taken so kindy to never getting any words of affirmation like that! WOW


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## Riverside MFT (Oct 5, 2009)

The love language concept is really about giving of yourself to your spouse. It takes a concentrated effort to love your spouse, especially if you speak different languages. When I took the test, I was very high in Words of Affirmation and Physical Touch.


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## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

It made a big difference in our relationship. Mine are physical touch and quality time; hers are acts of service and words of affirmation. So I wanted her to cuddle with me on the couch and she wanted to be up cleaning the house etc. Now, I help her with the house and she cuddles with me on the couch.

Perhaps more than that, however, was the realization that, since words of affirmation is one of her love languages, my being critical of her for not wanting sex (physical touch) actually caused her to have less a desire to be intimate. Fortunately, I changed in that area which caused her to desire to be intimate with me.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I told hubs that all I want for Christmas is a love letter.  Hopefully that happens. He's a good writer. I've read some of his stuff.


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

I'm coming out with my own book, "The Eight Love Languages"
I will also be publishing "7 Minute Abs".


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

The one disagreement I have with the book is the way he joins Touch with sex. I am very much a touch person. It is literally like someone gave me an injection of Happy Love when my wife holds my hand. I get a real charge out of touch.

But it is not necessarily linked to sex at all. When I touch my wife it is literally a non-verbal expression of I Love You. It is not a manipulation to get sex, it is not a temperature gauge to see if I might get sex later on.

Sex has lots of touch involved, so I would say that it overlaps Touch quite a bit. But one can have meaningless sex without any feelings of love for their partner.


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## Riverside MFT (Oct 5, 2009)

Thor said:


> The one disagreement I have with the book is the way he joins Touch with sex. I am very much a touch person. It is literally like someone gave me an injection of Happy Love when my wife holds my hand. I get a real charge out of touch.
> 
> But it is not necessarily linked to sex at all. When I touch my wife it is literally a non-verbal expression of I Love You. It is not a manipulation to get sex, it is not a temperature gauge to see if I might get sex later on.
> 
> Sex has lots of touch involved, so I would say that it overlaps Touch quite a bit. But one can have meaningless sex without any feelings of love for their partner.


I totally agree. I think that sex can incorporate all five love languages and is not limited specifically to touch.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Riverside MFT said:


> I totally agree. I think that sex can incorporate all five love languages and is not limited specifically to touch.


Yeah, like in the children's book, it can be brushing your daughters hair, to hugging your son, or giving him High Fives, scratching your daughters back. Nothing sexually related at all. 

When I was growing up, or I should say after my Mom left me , I didn't get any of that "touching" and I know I struggled with some lower self esteem issues, I was very shy unless I knew someone. Me & my best girlfriend would scratch each others backs sometimes, that is about the most touching I ever got. Then when I met my boyfriend, he would run his fingers through my hair, always wanting to hold my hand, hugging me, very touchy feely --I then felt so much better about myself. 

So I think I was missing that growing up ! It doesn't have to be about sex, but come on, the more touchy feely you are, the more likely it is going to lead there -when you are an adult anyway!


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

I'm physical. I need to touch, cuddle and hold hands often.
Now that H and I are sleeping separate i'm feeling very 'skin hungry'. We used to spoon at night and our legs/feet were usually touching.
This is what I miss most of all.


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## I'mAllIn (Oct 20, 2011)

Wow, that didn't come out even close to what I thought it would. I was pretty sure I'd be all over Gifts and Acts of Service, but those were the last two by a long shot. Ended up Physical Touch and Words of Affirmation were tied. Learn something new every day.


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## annagarret (Jun 12, 2011)

I have read all the books and adore them!!! My love language is talk. When my DH listens to me talk and allows me to yap,yap,yap most of the time about nothing, I feel soooo good. I can feel the oxytocin flowing through my veins, sorry that's from DR. Grey's book.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

that_girl said:


> I told hubs that all I want for Christmas is a love letter.


Oh love this! :smthumbup:

I'm going to be a copy-cat and ask for this too!

We are struggling in our marriage at the moment and H has said he will do anything I ask him to to make things better. 
If I was a cruel woman I'd ask for a poetry or maybe a Haiku.
But luckily for him I'm not and a love letter would be just lovely.


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## TGTLTBTS (Sep 16, 2011)

Delup.....I just posted this same thing on my own thread!!! I finally gave up on the Wife Option and did the single option just so I could answer the questions with some sort of truth!! I like you felt worse but only made it to about question 10 before going the single route, which I agreed with the results of that one.

I definately felt they needed the "Neither of the above" option on the married version.

Maybe that means it is just that far gone???? I hope not.


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## Riverside MFT (Oct 5, 2009)

When talking about love languages, the author of the book "Gary Chapman" mentions that we often give love in the same way we want to feel it.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Riverside MFT said:


> When talking about love languages, the author of the book "Gary Chapman" mentions that we often give love in the same way we want to feel it.


I find this to be very very true. 

Though *Acts of Service *I get a little confused on, this is how it is at our house....... I feel it is "my place" as a SAHM to cook 3 meals , keep the house clean , wash & put clothes away, budget, pay bills, schedule, keep the calendar of family events in order, etc ... not sure these would be considered Acts of Service or not ??? Maybe this is just what is expected, and the Acts of service is beyond this, just as a man working to support his family is his "place", not an Act of Service? It would have to mean BEYOND that ?? 

I find this on the bottom of my list near Gifts -I guess cause I don't want any help doing these things, I like to do for myself many times ...for me, that would be a waste of our time together. 

And he does HIS stuff. If we need a helping hand, we will do it together of coarse - but otherwise we always arrange our schedules so if one is working, the other is working so we have more free time together....so we can enjoy that *Quality Time * -that we have on the top of our lists. 

So when is Acts of Service used.... when one feels loved cause they WANT their spouse to HELP THEM do these things ?? This is the impression I get. Or Maybe I am missing something, I forget how the book explained it. 

It could be so much more, like your husband running to the store for you when you are pregnant with a craving .... repairing a broken lamp.... a Dad fixing a bike for his son, etc. 

Here is one my husband just did for me, I accidently deleted a video off my memory card on our Disney Vacation, I really wanted this one... I was furious with myself .... He spent over a month downloading about 5 free programs -searching all over the net for new ones to try when it failed to peice it back together. He finally GOT it 2 days ago ! I was very very happy he cared that much to keep trying , even though I told him it was OK, I didn't need it that bad. PLus it was my fault for deleting the thing. 

I guess that was an "Act of Service". It did make me feel loved-cause he took the time.


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