# Would you marry a man divorced more than once



## iBolt

Hi Ladies,

Feels like I am intruding in a private party here but I will brave it out.

Just wanted to have your insights into whether or not you would consider a man that's been divorced more than once for a marriage partner.

IMPORTANT INFO:

I am putting this out there ONLY because my wife from whom I am separated at the moment and there's little sign of R, has a very good and intense way of making one feel they're rejects and not good enough. After a while of the constant emotional manipulations, you start to believe what she says. Some folks on here have suggested she probably suffers from BPD (http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/54701-confused-afraid.html and http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-...953-what-separation-meant-look-feel-like.html)

My counsellor is great and is helping to regain my focus and confidence. I would just like the input the experienced women on TAM.


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## Holland

Hi

yes I would if he was the right man for me. I am dating a man that has been married twice 

You haven't explained or really asked but I assume your ex is saying no one will have you? Is that right? If so don't buy into someone else's mind games.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

Yes, if he was the right man. Two men in our family whom are very decent and stand up men have been married more then 2-3 times. They've made poor choices in woman previously.

Also, my best friend has been married 3 times. She is now single and doing well on her own.

I'm on my second marriage, but I do not intend to ever be divorced to my husband. We've had a very healthy and strong marriage these last 12 years. My husband was also married once before me and almost married prior to his ex wife.


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## *LittleDeer*

Yes am currently engaged to one.


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## EnjoliWoman

It wouldn't stop me but of course would depend on the reasons. I would find it a good sign that you are in IC because you are learning about yourself - your needs, expectations, coping mechanisms, etc.


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## southern wife

My hubs had never been married when we met. I was married before......long before the days of TAM...............h#ll for that matter.......long before the days of the internet. Anyway, we've been married now going on 9 years!  Goes both ways...

Do not listen to a thing she says about you. Find yourself and go from there.


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## La Rose Noire

I wouldn't marry a divorced man, period. Divorced more than once? No way. But that's just me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## iBolt

Holland said:


> Hi
> 
> yes I would if he was the right man for me. I am dating a man that has been married twice
> 
> You haven't explained or really asked but I assume your ex is saying no one will have you? Is that right? If so don't buy into someone else's mind games.


Pretty much yeah. I have always been a bubbly and positive person. In great shape too (separation has made me even fitter). I am highly educated, run my own very steady business but I am divorced with three kids for whom I have sole custody. She just says crap to the effect of she is doing me a favour for which she reminds me all the time. Her negative and oft sharp criticism have really sucked a lot of my confidence. Now I know why people confess to crimes they haven't committed when under interrogation.


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## MrsKy

If my marriage was not successful, I would try not to remarry a divorced man. I could handle one failed marriage if the man did not have a psycho ex or children that he has full custody of. Sorry, but I don't want to play the mother role to anyone's kids. I admire those who can be a stepparent, but it is not for me.


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## iBolt

EnjoliWoman said:


> It wouldn't stop me but of course would depend on the reasons. I would find it a good sign that you are in IC because you are learning about yourself - your needs, expectations, coping mechanisms, etc.


I agree a'plenty with you. I am so much more aware and patient now that it's a bit indulging I think. As a divorcee, I just do not have the appetite for another and another etc. So my wife gets away with stuff that would have sparked a huge row in my previous marriage. 

PS: What is IC? I just about figured out what W, MC, TAM mean but I have come across so many acronyms that I am just absolutely bbt  = baffled by them


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## iBolt

MrsKy said:


> If my marriage was not successful, I would try not to remarry a divorced man. I could handle one failed marriage if the man did not have a psycho ex or children that he has full custody of. Sorry, but I don't want to play the mother role to anyone's kids. I admire those who can be a stepparent, but it is not for me.


Hey, you are not alone. Please bear in mind that every ex is potentially a psycho to someone. Depends on who is listening. My ex probably thinks I am a psycho for wanting to have my kids full time but then I am very 'maternal' and can sure multi-task with the best of'em. Hence, I don't need a nanny, cook or house cleaner.


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## Emerald

Only if he took ownership of his faults as to why he got divorced.


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## southern wife

iBolt said:


> PS: What is IC? I just about figured out what W, MC, TAM mean but I have come across so many acronyms that I am just absolutely bbt  = baffled by them


IC = Individual counceling
H = Husband
W = Wife
MC = Marriage Counceling
TAM = TAM


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## that_girl

Yea...I don't know. Depends on the circumstances. If the exwives are in the picture due to children, probably not.


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## Coffee Amore

No, I wouldn't marry someone like that. I might date them, but not marry them. 

One divorce wouldn't be a problem and stepkids aren't an issue for me, but two divorces would be a red flag for me. It's a red flag for serious emotional baggage. It would make me wonder about the person's ability to pick a partner, their contribution or lack thereof to the marriage dynamic. Two divorces could mean the person had extremely bad luck with the spouses or it could mean they have bigger issues having a serious relationship. I think after two divorces the person needs to step way back from relationships to figure themselves out.
Your mileage will obviously vary. 

I have a relative on my husband's side who has been married five times and another who was married three times. So seeing first hand how some people go from marriage to marriage without learning from the mistakes they've made has lead to me conclude I wouldn't marry a man who has more than one divorce.


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## iBolt

Coffee Amore said:


> No, I wouldn't marry someone like that. I might date them, but not marry them.
> 
> One divorce wouldn't be a problem and stepkids aren't an issue for me, but two divorces would be a red flag for me. It's a red flag for serious emotional baggage. It would make me wonder about the person's ability to pick a partner, their contribution or lack thereof to the marriage dynamic. Two divorces could mean the person had extremely bad luck with the spouses or it could mean they have bigger issues having a serious relationship. I think after two divorces the person needs to step way back from relationships to figure themselves out.
> Your mileage will obviously vary.
> 
> I have a relative on my husband's side who has been married five times and another who was married three times. So seeing first hand how some people go from marriage to marriage without learning from the mistakes they've made has lead to me conclude I wouldn't marry a man who has more than one divorce.


Those are some good rational reasons you give there. That you've seen how it's played out closer to home will affect how you percieve such a person. I think however though that such a person will need to be closely studied overa period of time. With the incredible amount of stresses on marriages these days, divorces going up, folks (men) not wanting to get married for several legal and personal reasons, I think more people are either going to stay single/cohabit to avoid divorcees or recognise that happiness can still be found with a divorcee. As forme, i know what i bring to the table that a new jack just won't get...you dig? Btw, if poor judgement is something that'll put you off, what will that tell you about such a person wanting to be in a serious relationship with you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SimplyAmorous

For me, it would all depend on what we had in common and ....hearing the whole story - the good...the bad & the ugly of why his marraiges failed and it not being 100% on the heels of each of his ex's ...It always takes 2, and I'd want a balanced version of what really happened. If the guy thought that was asking too much, I wouldn't be comfortable.


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## bahbahsheep

No. I would have trust issues with him.

so no.


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## galian84

Sure, if they're the right person. As far as ex-wives and kids go...my dad told me once, in every relationship, there will be problems. It's how the two of you handle the problems that matter. So it also depends on how he handles problems that his ex-wife (or wives) and/or child(ren) pose, if any. 

If he was aware of his part in the failure of his marriage(s), and has fixed or is in the process of fixing them, then yes I would marry him. If not, then he's just going to make the same mistake again with me. 

I'm dating a divorced man right now, with a child and an ex-wife in the picture. Initially, he thought he did nothing wrong, but as we go through the relationship, I'm beginning to see his part in why his marriage failed, and he is beginning to own up to them and trying to fix them. If this relationship leads to marriage, then I want to see how he handles his ex-wife and son, should they cause any problems for us, before marrying him.


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## Anonymous07

Coffee Amore said:


> No, I wouldn't marry someone like that. I might date them, but not marry them.
> 
> One divorce wouldn't be a problem and stepkids aren't an issue for me, but two divorces would be a red flag for me. It's a red flag for serious emotional baggage. It would make me wonder about the person's ability to pick a partner, their contribution or lack thereof to the marriage dynamic. Two divorces could mean the person had extremely bad luck with the spouses or it could mean they have bigger issues having a serious relationship. I think after two divorces the person needs to step way back from relationships to figure themselves out.
> Your mileage will obviously vary.
> 
> I have a relative on my husband's side who has been married five times and another who was married three times. So seeing first hand how some people go from marriage to marriage without learning from the mistakes they've made has lead to me conclude I wouldn't marry a man who has more than one divorce.


:iagree:

Personally, I could never marry a man who had previously been divorced. To me, marriage is a huge commitment and should be taken very seriously. I've watched too many jump into marriage realizing later they made a mistake or others who are just "not happy" and leave without really putting in a whole lot of effort to fix their marriage. The grass isn't always greener on the other side. If someone has been divorced multiple times, it's a red flag to me. Even if a person has only been engaged and then called it off, that is also a red flag to me. To me that just means they jumped into an engagement before really getting to know the other person and it shows poor judgement.


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## CandieGirl

Jamais deux sans trois as the French say; kind of like saying 3rd time lucky...

Personally, no. Marriage itself loses credibility to me if the person (man or woman) has been divorced more than once. And my own grandma got divorced twice! Sheesh!


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## WalterWhite

Anonymous07 said:


> :iagree:
> 
> Personally, I could never marry a man who had previously been divorced. To me, marriage is a huge commitment and should be taken very seriously. I've watched too many jump into marriage realizing later they made a mistake or others who are just "not happy" and leave without really putting in a whole lot of effort to fix their marriage. The grass isn't always greener on the other side. If someone has been divorced multiple times, it's a red flag to me. Even if a person has only been engaged and then called it off, that is also a red flag to me. To me that just means they jumped into an engagement before really getting to know the other person and it shows poor judgement.


You are too young or nieve to understand these concepts:

1. Sometimes people change/learn from prior marriages.
2. Sometimes it is not a person's fault.
3. Often those that never married are no less risky for marriage.

Why people make blanket statements and put ALL divorce people in the same boat is a mystery to me.

In other words, as you get older and wiser, you too will see that the question to have a relationship with a divorce person is Situational, unique, and in other words, depends on the person and his/her circumstances.

Had I shared your rigid criteria, I'd have never married my wife, whom is pretty darn near perfect.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

Anonymous07 said:


> :iagree:
> 
> Personally, I could never marry a man who had previously been divorced. To me, marriage is a huge commitment and should be taken very seriously. I've watched too many jump into marriage realizing later they made a mistake or others who are just "not happy" and leave without really putting in a whole lot of effort to fix their marriage. The grass isn't always greener on the other side. If someone has been divorced multiple times, it's a red flag to me. Even if a person has only been engaged and then called it off, that is also a red flag to me. To me that just means they jumped into an engagement before really getting to know the other person and it shows poor judgement.


My ex h severely abused me, held me hostage, almost killed me and my child, secretly taped me naked, had multiple affairs, smoked pot in the car with the baby, ect... 

Would there be any reason to live a lifetime like this? I think not.


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## ScarletBegonias

my criteria for marrying again have nothing to do with past marital status. people learn and grow as they age...i would be really disappointed if someone judged me by the mistakes I've made since i've learned from them and am stronger bc of where I've been.


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## WalterWhite

ScarletBegonias said:


> my criteria for marrying again have nothing to do with past marital status. people learn and grow as they age...i would be really disappointed if someone judged me by the mistakes I've made since i've learned from them and am stronger bc of where I've been.


I agree with you, that those that had prior marriages should not be eliminated out of hand. 

However, I do think that one's prior marital status/experiences must still be considered, however with the idea that that person might have learned, grown, and might better for it. 

To assume this is always the case is not good, because there are some divorce people that keep making the same mistakes over and over, and never learn.

For example, both my wife and I had concerns about how we were in prior marriages. We talked it through and we both admitted things we did in the past that were not good, and we both explained how we no longer do those things.

Sometimes those that ignore the past are condemned to be a victim of it.

I think the best way to go about this is to treat each person uniquely, case-by-case, and consider their situations, and even if they were the cause of the break up, if they can show growth, real change, and can admit fault, then in my mind they may well be a great candidate for a future marriage.


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## jman

I married a woman divorced more than once, didn't bother me the least bit


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## OhhShiney

WalterWhite said:


> You are too young or nieve to understand these concepts:
> 
> 1. Sometimes people change/learn from prior marriages.
> 2. Sometimes it is not a person's fault.
> 3. Often those that never married are no less risky for marriage.
> 
> Why people make blanket statements and put ALL divorce people in the same boat is a mystery to me.
> 
> In other words, as you get older and wiser, you too will see that the question to have a relationship with a divorce person is Situational, unique, and in other words, depends on the person and his/her circumstances.
> 
> Had I shared your rigid criteria, I'd have never married my wife, whom is pretty darn near perfect.



age is a big factor.I'm not sure anyone single at at age 55 could say they are baggage-free barring death of a spouse, but even that would not promise a lack of baggage

*never* married at 55 would be more of a problem to me than twice divorced with an acceptable storyline. 

as with most things, the answer is "it depends," and the wisdom of that answer gets more clear with age. hard and fast rules can shut out lots of good things along with the rest. Nothing is black and white.


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## Coffee Amore

WalterWhite said:


> What an arrogant & ignorant statement you made ;-)
> 
> Are you so unforgiving, and lack understanding?
> 
> What if a wife was getting beat up on a daily bases? Should she stay in the marriage so that her marriage keeps it's "credability", and so that people like you "respect" it?
> 
> Where is your understanding of humanity? No 2nd changes with you?
> 
> With your attitude, you are certainly NOT marriage material!


The original poster's question doesn't have a right answer. People can say no they wouldn't marry someone twice divorced and it doesn't make them inhumane or less of a person.

I'm not sure why CandieGirl's post caused you to react so rudely to her. Obviously it touched a nerve. She's speaking for herself. There's nothing wrong about her opinion. If she chooses not to marry twice divorced man, it's her business, her life. It's not for any of us to convince her otherwise.


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## WalterWhite

Coffee Amore said:


> The original poster's question doesn't have a right answer. People can say no they wouldn't marry someone twice divorced and it doesn't make them inhumane or less of a person.
> 
> I'm not sure why CandieGirl's post caused you to react so rudely to her. Obviously it touched a nerve. She's speaking for herself. There's nothing wrong about her opinion. If she chooses not to marry twice divorced man, it's her business, her life. It's not for any of us to convince her otherwise.


Her reasoning makes no sense, so that makes it invalid. It is not based on science, fact, experience, nor reality.

You want to talk about being rude?!? Rude is when one makes blanket statements that make ALL divorced people unworthy.

Perhaps next time you can think things through better, ok? ;-)


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## Coffee Amore

Nope, there's no right answer to the question ..Would YOU marry a man divorced more than once? 

It's a question that asks the individual, specifically a woman in this case, what she thinks. And it's interesting you answered this even though it's posted for the ladies. And CandieGirl and anyone else who doesn't want to marry a twice divorced man is perfectly fine to say so. They don't even have to justify their reasons. No one has to justify a reason for not wanting to marry a twice divorced man.

I'll think things through when you learn to not have so many misspelled words in your posts. But it's ok to say that, right since I stuck an emoticon like you did. Makes obnoxious statements more palatable, right?


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## WalterWhite

Coffee Amore said:


> Nope, there's no right answer to the question ..Would YOU marry a man divorced more than once?
> 
> It's a question that asks the individual, specifically a woman in this case, what she thinks. And it's interesting you answered this even though it's posted for the ladies. And CandieGirl and anyone else who doesn't want to marry a twice divorced man is perfectly fine to say so. They don't even have to justify their reasons. No one has to justify a reason for not wanting to marry a twice divorced man.
> 
> I'll think things through when you learn to not have so many misspelled words in your posts. But it's ok to say that, right since I stuck an emoticon like you did. Makes obnoxious statements more palatable, right?


Well, like Albert Einstein, I too make bad spellings. 

And in fact his scientific proofs were littered with misspelled words. 

Smart fellow scientists ignored the misspellings and understood his Physic laws (ground breaking). 

In contrast, all the idiots took away from his writings were pointing out his misspelled words. ;-)


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## Anonymous07

WalterWhite said:


> You are too young or nieve to understand these concepts:
> 
> 1. Sometimes people change/learn from prior marriages.
> 2. Sometimes it is not a person's fault.
> 3. Often those that never married are no less risky for marriage.
> 
> Why people make blanket statements and put ALL divorce people in the same boat is a mystery to me.
> 
> In other words, as you get older and wiser, you too will see that the question to have a relationship with a divorce person is Situational, unique, and in other words, depends on the person and his/her circumstances.
> 
> Had I shared your rigid criteria, I'd have never married my wife, whom is pretty darn near perfect.


I answered the question, "would you marry a man divorced more than once?", based on where I am now in my life. At my age, if the man was divorced already, it would set off a red flag in my mind. It shows poor relationship material, as they either jumped into marriage too quickly without getting to know the person or they didn't work hard enough at keeping their marriage healthy. At a later age, I probably would look more into it and may look at divorce differently, but right now, I could never marry a man who was previously divorced. That doesn't make me "too young and naive" to understand other concepts. I get those points, I just answered the question at hand in my current situation. 



I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> My ex h severely abused me, held me hostage, almost killed me and my child, secretly taped me naked, had multiple affairs, smoked pot in the car with the baby, ect...
> 
> Would there be any reason to live a lifetime like this? I think not.


I am very sorry to hear about what you have gone through, but I have to wonder if he always acted similar to this or somehow he suddenly changed after marriage to turn into this type of person. I'm not saying anyone should stay in that type of relationship, but there are typically 'warning signs' and red flags that are always present before marriage that many will ignore and/or not pay attention to. Just my opinion.


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## hookares

I still consider making marriage a one time endeavor to be the safest bet. Were I to enter into another long term relationship, I fear my issues with trust which are now engrained into my psyche would be unbearable for any potential mate.
At the same time, I find it strange that several BS members seem to equate a partner's past sexual history to be nearly the equivalent to post marital straying, so I'm fairly sure that I wouldn't be alone in showing caution, in spite of my not sharing this viewpoint.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

Anonymous07 said:


> I am very sorry to hear about what you have gone through, but I have to wonder if he always acted similar to this or somehow he suddenly changed after marriage to turn into this type of person. I'm not saying anyone should stay in that type of relationship, but there are typically 'warning signs' and red flags that are always present before marriage that many will ignore and/or not pay attention to. Just my opinion.


I tried everything I could to save the marriage. I went to MC, IC and tried helping him with his anger management. Were there signs, yes, but very subtle. We all make mistakes.

There is only so much abuse one can take. After 2 years I had the strength to leave. I was told daily how worthless I was. He still to this day calls me worthless.

My husband now was previously married. His ex w did the bait and switch with having children. After they married she refused to have a child with him.

This worked out great for me. My husband and I have the most fabulous marriage. We never grew out of that honeymoon stage and it's been over 12 years. I look forward everyday for him to come home from work. He's my best friend, my biggest supporter, my everything. We have never ever had any major issues come about in out marriage. We still hold hands everyday while relaxing watching tv or talking. My husband now is polar opposite from my ex.

Another thing, my ex h tried getting my daughter to do illegal drugs with him and she flat out refused. I just found this out from his sister. If I would of known prior, I would of been in contact with the police. She's now an adult and in intensive therapy for what he has done to her emotionally. I tried my darnedest to keep visitation at a minimum through these years.

I can't imagine what my life would be like without my husband. He's the most kindest, caring, gentle and understanding man. He's always put my needs before his own.


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## CandieGirl

Coffee Amore said:


> The original poster's question doesn't have a right answer. People can say no they wouldn't marry someone twice divorced and it doesn't make them inhumane or less of a person.
> 
> I'm not sure why CandieGirl's post caused you to react so rudely to her. Obviously it touched a nerve. She's speaking for herself. There's nothing wrong about her opinion. If she chooses not to marry twice divorced man, it's her business, her life. It's not for any of us to convince her otherwise.


Wow, looks like I missed that one 

I'm not sure what was said, because this poster must have deleted the comment, but I never EVER said that anyone should stay in an abusive marriage to avoid the stigma of divorce.

My own mother divorced my father when I was under 4 years of age due to the heinous abuse that he put us through. Fortunately, I remember very little of it.

My grandmother was divorced twice, as previously stated, once due to abuse, and another due to adultery.

I still wouldn't marry someone divorced more than once. If that disqualifies me as marriage material to anyone, so be it. I don't need science to back that up. Sorry. If you don't like it, Walter, you know what you can do.


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## CandieGirl

Coffee Amore said:


> Nope, there's no right answer to the question ..Would YOU marry a man divorced more than once?
> 
> It's a question that asks the individual, specifically a woman in this case, what she thinks. And it's interesting you answered this even though it's posted for the ladies. And CandieGirl and anyone else who doesn't want to marry a twice divorced man is perfectly fine to say so. They don't even have to justify their reasons. No one has to justify a reason for not wanting to marry a twice divorced man.
> 
> I'll think things through when you learn to not have so many misspelled words in your posts. But it's ok to say that, right since I stuck an emoticon like you did. Makes obnoxious statements more palatable, right?



Thanks for coming to my defense! Usually I get blasted for way worse than just saying I wouldn't marry a man divorced more than once.  What's the big deal? The OP asked a question, presumably expecting to get answers other than "Yes, I'd jump at the chance!". And while I hold this belief, I also believe that decisions such as these can also be made on a 'case by case' basis. Life isn't always as simple as yes or no.


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## Jellybeans

I would not marry any man again.

How about that?


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## arbitrator

Many years ago, being divorced from only one marriage seemed to be the "scarlet letter" of life. And then sometime a while later, that threshold got raised to two, and so forth! 

While giving it some form of due credence, please don't be falsely misled by statistical data/trends. After all, if it's the right person, and you've prayed long and hard about it and you absolutely know that in your heart that that person is the "right one," then that's all that you really need to be concerned about!

*"Beauty is truth, truth beauty, that is all ye know on earth, and all ye need to know!"*
*John Keats, Ode on a Grecian Urn, May, 1819*


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## donny64

La Rose Noire said:


> I wouldn't marry a divorced man, period. Divorced more than once? No way. But that's just me.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So, seeing how approximately 50% of women cheat (since we're talking about husbands here), should a husband divorce a cheating wife, he's no longer suitable marriage materal? :scratchhead:

Great way to weed out a huge number of men who make some of the BEST husband material out there! :smthumbup:


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## Jellybeans

donny64 said:


> So, seeing how approximately 50% of women cheat (since we're talking about husbands here), should a husband divorce a cheating wife, he's no longer suitable marriage materal? :scratchhead:
> 
> Great way to weed out a huge number of men who make some of the BEST husband material out there! :smthumbup:


Donny I think you are taking La Rose Noire's post too personally. 

Whether yo\u agree or not, the OP asked a question and she answered what she would do in that case. 

Of course divorced people can be great (I am one of them, hahaha) but not everyone wants to marry one, divorced once or twice or 8 times. Not everyone wants the same thing. And that is fine.

That's why life is beautiful: cause it's made up of all kinds of people and all kinds of opinions. 
Yay!


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## 45188

No..


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## ScarletBegonias

Jellybeans said:


> That's why life is beautiful: cause it's made up of all kinds of people and all kinds of opinions.
> Yay!


lol i can't help laughing...this line reminds me of something i'd say


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## donny64

> Donny I think you are taking La Rose Noire's post too personally.


No, actually not taking it personal at all. I've been divorced once, and it had nothing to do with infidelity. My point is if you have a man who was cheated on, and he believes in the vows and sanctity of marriage enough that he divorces a cheating spouse, seems like the type of guy who should get A LOT of consideration from someone who also placed high value in marriage and fidelity. Should he not? Why exclude such a high number of potential EXCELLENT marriage mates simply because his wife could not keep up on her end of the deal, and for him that was a deal breaker?

I also wonder if the opinion of these women who would "never marry a divorced man" would change should they find themselves divorced (let's say the husband cheats, or is abusive, a deadbeat, goes to jail...whatever) after they get it figured out that life is not a fairytale, chit happens, and some people just NEED divorcing!

Personally I'll take a woman who was confident enough and was not afraid to leave a screwed up, unrecoverable marriage over someone who won't and stayed out of fear, stigma, or the like.


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## ScarletBegonias

donny64 said:


> No, actually not taking it personal at all. I've been divorced once, and it had nothing to do with infidelity. My point is if you have a man who was cheated on, and he believes in the vows and sanctity of marriage enough that he divorces a cheating spouse, seems like the type of guy who should get A LOT of consideration from someone who also placed high value in marriage and fidelity. Should he not? Why exclude such a high number of potential EXCELLENT marriage mates simply because his wife could not keep up on her end of the deal, and for him that was a deal breaker?


i imagine when people answer questions like these, it's hard to consider ALL the possible scenarios before replying. 
I feel like most of the answers that are "no" might actually end up being "no but maybe with these exceptions" in real life.


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## CandieGirl

Case by case....


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## La Rose Noire

In the case of one divorce, I'm just not interested in dealing with ex-wives, children, alimony, child support or emotional baggage. This might change once I'm older and have less options to choose from, but as it is I have my pick of the crop at this age. 

2 divorces? I tend to the the man has too many issues and may be emotionally unstable. He is either a pain in the butt or he likes drama, is codependent, etc. 

There are always signs before a marriage. Always. Choosing to ignore the red flags habitually is a red flag in itself. 

Interesting to see people throwing hissy fits over it. Why does it bother them that some might find them undateable? We all have our preferences. Seems some are insecure with themselves and their choices.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## donny64

> Interesting to see people throwing hissy fits over it. Why does it bother them that some might find them undateable? We all have our preferences. Seems some are insecure with themselves and their choices.


I don't see anyone throwing a "hissy fit" here. But I do see some people looking at life through young, wet behind the ears, inexperienced rose colored glasses. With youth and inexpreience oftentimes comes a sense of confidence and optimism (most times an overly inflated sense), seeing the world as this great place where everything will work out for you. Where all of your choices seem to click, and you are standing on the bow of the boat shouting "I'm the king of the world!!!!"

Better hope you're not riding the titanic...

I've seen it a lot. These "perfect life people" who will not "do this" or "marry someone like this". They're young. But suddenly, before they know it, they haven't found that perfect (unrealistic) person, and they're old! And still unmarried. And then the questions come from their prospective mates...."why has he / she never been married? What's wrong with them? Forty years old and never been married?!!! Watch out for that one!!". I know several such people, and the stigma attached to that (from their point of view) seems to be every bit as bad if not worst than being divorced.

A question for you... Let's say in 20 years you find yourself divorced because your husband was abusive. Developed substance abuse issues he could not resolve. Cheated on you. Should you not be considered marriage material because while you made the best choice you could, you placed your trust in someone who was not worthy of it?

I will also say, that when I started dating again, those who had never been married were often much harder to date and consider for a serious relationship than those who had been married before.


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## Coffee Amore

Actually a poster did throw a hissy fit in this very thread and has "banned" next to his name now. 

I'm certainly not a young 20-something anymore. I would much rather date a twice widowed man (assuming he didn't kill his wives!) than a twice divorced man. But that's me.


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## La Rose Noire

donny64 said:


> I don't see anyone throwing a "hissy fit" here. But I do see some people looking at life through young, wet behind the ears, inexperienced rose colored glasses. With youth and inexpreience oftentimes comes a sense of confidence and optimism (most times an overly inflated sense), seeing the world as this great place where everything will work out for you. Where all of your choices seem to click, and you are standing on the bow of the boat shouting "I'm the king of the world!!!!"
> 
> Better hope you're not riding the titanic...
> 
> I've seen it a lot. These "perfect life people" who will not "do this" or "marry someone like this". They're young. But suddenly, before they know it, they haven't found that perfect (unrealistic) person, and they're old! And still unmarried. And then the questions come from their prospective mates...."why has he / she never been married? What's wrong with them? Forty years old and never been married?!!! Watch out for that one!!". I know several such people, and the stigma attached to that (from their point of view) seems to be every bit as bad if not worst than being divorced.
> 
> A question for you... Let's say in 20 years you find yourself divorced because your husband was abusive. Developed substance abuse issues he could not resolve. Cheated on you. Should you not be considered marriage material because while you made the best choice you could, you placed your trust in someone who was not worthy of it?
> 
> I will also say, that when I started dating again, those who had never been married were often much harder to date and consider for a serious relationship than those who had been married before.


Who said I'm looking for perfect? I'm just not interested in damaged people. I'm strong emotionally. I've walked away from a relationship when I saw the signs of abuse surfacing. Together 2 years too. I would have never married such a person and have to wonder about people who have. I just don't think they're emotionally stable. And to do it twice? That means they like to get burned. 

If I were to marry someone who became abusive, I would have to take responsibility on my part of it. Abuse never comes out of no where, the signs are always there, they are just ignored. A man would have every right to be wary of me. You think someone who ended up in a relationship that turned abusive made the best choice they could? That is where I disagree. As for infidelity, I might see how one could have no control over it. But if it happened more than once then again I would have no qualm with someone who wouldn't want to be involved with me. It would mean something about me is making poor choices or creating situations that lead to infidelity. 

My SO is 40 and never married. I would rather that then he be divorced. We have a great relationship. No abuse, no drugs (he has never done any in his life) and he has never raised his voice at me or anyone else. I stick to my principles and so does he. The fact that you would be so offended that someone might be wary of you simply proves you don't hold yourself accountable to anything. Another big red flag. 

By the way, statistics show that the odds of divorce actually increase with every marriage. A third marriage has 70-73% chance of ending in divorce. Gee, I wonder why that is?

Information on Divorce Rate Statistics
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans

ScarletBegonias said:


> lol i can't help laughing...this line reminds me of something i'd say


I know some of my posts come across so  sometimes. LOL. 




donny64 said:


> I will also say, that when I started dating again, those who had never been married were often much harder to date and consider for a serious relationship than those who had been married before.


This kinda reminds me of something. I have one friend (divorced) who prefers dating divorced women because they have that commonality. He is not interested in dating 'never marrieds.'

Life... gotta love it.


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## donny64

Coffee Amore said:


> Actually a poster did throw a hissy fit in this very thread and has "banned" next to his name now.
> 
> I'm certainly not a young 20-something anymore. I would much rather date a twice widowed man (assuming he didn't kill his wives!) than a twice divorced man. But that's me.


Missed that before it got deleted I guess.



> Who said I'm looking for perfect? I'm just not interested in damaged people. I'm strong emotionally. I've walked away from a relationship when I saw the signs of abuse surfacing. Together 2 years too. I would have never married such a person and have to wonder about people who have. I just don't think they're emotionally stable. And to do it twice? That means they like to get burned.


"Damaged people"? Why do you feel someone who is divorced is more damaged than anybody else out there, or even has a higher probability of being damaged than someone who never married?

It's good you saw the signs of abuse. Some people don't. Sometimes if comes out of nowhere. Sometimes there's a life changing event in the person who is the target of divorce, that while they were amazing in the beginning, this event changed them in bad ways. And some people are EXTREMELY good at "standing on their head" for months and years until they have their "hooks" in someone (marriage), and only then does their true side come out. 

I'm sorry, but if you think you can see all of that coming, and they will show up as "red flags", IMO you have too much confidence in your ability to see the future behavior of others. There are FAR too many outside influences on a persons life to shape them and determine who and how they will be over a period of time with any certainty.




> If I were to marry someone who became abusive, I would have to take responsibility on my part of it. Abuse never comes out of no where, the signs are always there, they are just ignored. A man would have every right to be wary of me. You think someone who ended up in a relationship that turned abusive made the best choice they could? That is where I disagree. As for infidelity, I might see how one could have no control over it. But if it happened more than once then again I would have no qualm with someone who wouldn't want to be involved with me. It would mean something about me is making poor choices or creating situations that lead to infidelity.


Here I must disagree. Very strongly. First, the abused party is in NO WAY RESPONSIBLE for abuse. Not that they were the victim of it, nor that they didn't see it coming. I've got too many years experience in life and in law enforcement to know better. Sometimes it does "come out of nowhere". Stresses later in life that were simply not there before when everything was "perfect". People change. People "snap". If you think you can see that coming and there will always be "signs", or that you'd catch all the signs if they were there, you are unfortunately very mistaken.



> My SO is 40 and never married. I would rather that then he be divorced. We have a great relationship. No abuse, no drugs (he has never done any in his life) and he has never raised his voice at me or anyone else. I stick to my principles and so does he. The fact that you would be so offended that someone might be wary of you simply proves you don't hold yourself accountable to anything. Another big red flag.


"Offended that someone might be wary of me because I don't hold myself accountable?" What on earth makes you think, first off, that I'm offended someone might be wary of me? I prefer they keep their eyes open and be wary of me, no matter if I'm divorced or never married! If they're not wary, and are not cautious about such a huge commitment to someone, that is not a person I want to be with. Someone who'd "jump in" without being "wary" of me, no matter if I had ever been divorced or not.

Secondly, what makes you believe I don't hold myself accountable for being divorced, and exactly what is it that I'm to be accountable for (seeing how you know nothing of my divorce circumstances)? I know, "it takes two". Or am I supposed to be "accountable" because I made a choice in a partner well before circumstances changed, and she changed?

Again, sorry, but I've got some bad news for you.... the ones who say they can see everything so clearly before making a choice, or that they're so smart that they'd be able to see the future writing on the wall are often the ones who are COMPLETELY blindsided when something bad happens. I'd caution against being so over confident in your abilities to pick up red flags.

Now, if you just want to play percentage games, that's fine. And I understand that to some degree. But, don't forget, sometimes with the greater risk comes the greatest rewards. I shudder to think I'd of passed up on my W because she was previously married. 

I've really got no dog in this fight. I don't think my previous divorce has ever had the slightest bit of effect on my dating success after divorce, and certainly no affect on winding up with my current W. So it's no skin off my back either way. I'd just (obviously) not date someone who was so rigid as to say "never" or "no way" to a previously divorced person (both by their choice and my own...not that I'd have one). That, in my mind, would speak to issues in and of itself.

What I am saying is this. There's a great number of some really great people out there who are either divorced through their own poor choices earlier in life, OR through ZERO fault of their own (an inability to salvage the unsalvageable is not a "fault"). People change and people learn. I'd look at the PERSON (and look deep I would) and not just their previous marital status.


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## donny64

Jellybeans said:


> I know some of my posts come across so  sometimes. LOL.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> This kinda reminds me of something. I have one friend (divorced) who prefers dating divorced women because they have that commonality. He is not interested in dating 'never marrieds.'
> 
> Life... gotta love it.


Marriage brings a ton of stresses with it that those who have never been married can only guess at. At least someone who has "been there" is aware of that. Maybe they failed the first time around. Maybe they'll be better aware on how to deal with it the second time around! 

I look at it this way. It is easy to look at a mountain and say you're going to climb that mountain, having never climbed it. You may THINK you have what it takes, but you don't KNOW. Who has the greater chance of making it to the top...the person who's never tried and has no idea what's in store for them, OR the person who tried, failed, and knows what it's going to take to make it to the top on the next attempt?


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## La Rose Noire

donny64 said:


> Missed that before it got deleted I guess.
> 
> 
> 
> "Damaged people"? Why do you feel someone who is divorced is more damaged than anybody else out there, or even has a higher probability of being damaged than someone who never married?
> 
> It's good you saw the signs of abuse. Some people don't. Sometimes if comes out of nowhere. Sometimes there's a life changing event in the person who is the target of divorce, that while they were amazing in the beginning, this event changed them in bad ways. And some people are EXTREMELY good at "standing on their head" for months and years until they have their "hooks" in someone (marriage), and only then does their true side come out.
> 
> I'm sorry, but if you think you can see all of that coming, and they will show up as "red flags", IMO you have too much confidence in your ability to see the future behavior of others. There are FAR too many outside influences on a persons life to shape them and determine who and how they will be over a period of time with any certainty.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Here I must disagree. Very strongly. First, the abused party is in NO WAY RESPONSIBLE for abuse. Not that they were the victim of it, nor that they didn't see it coming. I've got too many years experience in life and in law enforcement to know better. Sometimes it does "come out of nowhere". Stresses later in life that were simply not there before when everything was "perfect". People change. People "snap". If you think you can see that coming and there will always be "signs", or that you'd catch all the signs if they were there, you are unfortunately very mistaken.
> 
> 
> 
> "Offended that someone might be wary of me because I don't hold myself accountable?" What on earth makes you think, first off, that I'm offended someone might be wary of me? I prefer they keep their eyes open and be wary of me, no matter if I'm divorced or never married! If they're not wary, and are not cautious about such a huge commitment to someone, that is not a person I want to be with. Someone who'd "jump in" without being "wary" of me, no matter if I had ever been divorced or not.
> 
> Secondly, what makes you believe I don't hold myself accountable for being divorced, and exactly what is it that I'm to be accountable for (seeing how you know nothing of my divorce circumstances)? I know, "it takes two". Or am I supposed to be "accountable" because I made a choice in a partner well before circumstances changed, and she changed?
> 
> Again, sorry, but I've got some bad news for you.... the ones who say they can see everything so clearly before making a choice, or that they're so smart that they'd be able to see the future writing on the wall are often the ones who are COMPLETELY blindsided when something bad happens. I'd caution against being so over confident in your abilities to pick up red flags.
> 
> Now, if you just want to play percentage games, that's fine. And I understand that to some degree. But, don't forget, sometimes with the greater risk comes the greatest rewards. I shudder to think I'd of passed up on my W because she was previously married.
> 
> I've really got no dog in this fight. I don't think my previous divorce has ever had the slightest bit of effect on my dating success after divorce, and certainly no affect on winding up with my current W. So it's no skin off my back either way. I'd just (obviously) not date someone who was so rigid as to say "never" or "no way" to a previously divorced person (both by their choice and my own...not that I'd have one). That, in my mind, would speak to issues in and of itself.
> 
> What I am saying is this. There's a great number of some really great people out there who are either divorced through their own poor choices earlier in life, OR through ZERO fault of their own (an inability to salvage the unsalvageable is not a "fault"). People change and people learn. I'd look at the PERSON (and look deep I would) and not just their previous marital status.


Given the way you picked at my post from the beginning, you're obviously offended. Why would you care otherwise? I never said one divorced means the person is damaged. I already explained my reasons for that. But multiple divorces? You know, the actual subject of this thread? Absolutely. 

And yes I'm good at picking up red flags. I don't believe someone can randomly snap and strike. I can say with confidence that my boyfriend would never hit me. Signs, however subtle, are usually present within the first year. With my ex, true the actual verbal abuse didn't appear until stresses a year and a half into the relationship. But I was well aware of the fact that he had a temper from the beginning. It was just never directed at me. I know I ignored the red flags. I got out before it escalated. But to say that there aren't always red flags? Nope, I don't agree. People who are blindsided by a person's supposed "random" change of behavior are people I consider a little intellectually challenged. Sorry to say.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Anonymous07

Coffee Amore said:


> Actually a poster did throw a hissy fit in this very thread and has "banned" next to his name now.
> 
> I'm certainly not a young 20-something anymore. I would much rather date a twice widowed man (assuming he didn't kill his wives!) than a twice divorced man. But that's me.


Was he that mad at what I said? 

We're all stating opinions on here. I may be 20 something, but it doesn't mean that I'm stupid to have an opinion of never wanting to marry a man who has been divorced. I took my time dating and went into my marriage with my eyes wide open, because I wanted to make sure the man I married was right for me. I always made sure to look for red flags, which I had seen with ex-boyfriends, but never with my husband. I'm very blessed to have a great husband.

My aunt got married super young(right out of high school at 18) and her ex-husband was abusive. They divorced several years ago and she recently remarried. Her husband is also a divorcee after his ex-wife cheated on him. I am happy that she's found someone that is good for her. It has worked well for her, but it's just not something I would be interested in.


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## Jellybeans

This thread all boils down to:

Each person has their preference. Nobody's preference is better than another on this subject. If you want to date a divorced person, go for it. If you don't, don't. Respect everyone's opinion.

With that said, there are no guarantees in life. (Except, well you know, dying). And taxes. Taxes, too.


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## tacoma

I wouldn`t marry anyone whose has been divorced.

Not because they`ve been divorced but because they were stupid enough to make the same life rending mistake twice.


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## donny64

Lol. The "wisdom" of youth, and "clarity" and "knowledge" of those about things they have not yet done.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans

tacoma said:


> I wouldn`t marry anyone whose has been divorced.
> 
> Not because they`ve been divorced but because they were stupid enough to make the same life rending mistake twice.


Haha. Reminds me of that old adage: 

*"If you don't want to get a divorce, don't get married!"*


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## Holland

La Rose Noire said:


> ......
> 
> My SO is 40 and never married. I would rather that then he be divorced. We have a great relationship. No abuse, no drugs (he has never done any in his life) and he has never raised his voice at me or anyone else. I stick to my principles and so does he. The fact that you would be so offended that someone might be wary of you simply proves you don't hold yourself accountable to anything. Another big red flag.
> 
> .......


Personally I would be less inclined to partner up with a 40 year old man that has never been married than a man that has been divorced twice.


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## dixieangel

When I was in my early-mid 30s and dating, the men I dated that had never been married 35 years old plus, had a common trait. All of them were very highly selfish. Set in their ways. Didn't know the first thing about kids, marriage, family life. They scared me the most.

Of course, the few that had been married at least twice were scarey too...you had to wonder why. My second husband was divorced twice. I took a chance and now I know...wow. I didn't pay attention to the red flags.


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## heartsbeating

It'd really be a case of "it's not you, it's me"

.....I didn't really imagine myself being married, so I think Batman was the only man that could get me down the aisle. I love being married to him, but if I found myself in a different circumstance, I don't think another man could make that happen with me again. My heart wouldn't be closed off, but I can't explain it.


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## elisha_parker

I go with Coffee Amore, Instead you can find other dating partner and make a smart choice. But as far as marrying is concerned I would not suggest you to go with a man who has had more than one divorce.


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## KellyK

I would not marry a man who has been divorced twice.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

tacoma said:


> I wouldn`t marry anyone whose has been divorced.
> 
> Not because they`ve been divorced but because they were stupid enough to make the same life rending mistake twice.


I have to disagree with you. I met the man of my dreams! I can not believe his ex wife let him go. I was also previously married, so we were even. 

My husband didn't have any baggage into the marriage. He's a really great stand up man. The last 12 years have been wonderful.

Neither of us really discussed our past marriage or any past exes. We stay in the present and look forward to the future.


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## SunnyT

This is my husband's third marriage, my second..... and so far (7 years) it's just amazingly, sickeningly, awesome!!! 

Each of our previous marriages lasted 23 years. His first marriage was a teenage "mistake" (she's gone on to marry 9 more times.... ok, that is just stupid and icky). 

We dated for a few years before marrying, and TALKED about everything, we paid attention to actions, to how each of us treated others..... and then decided to marry BECAUSE we love WHO and HOW each other are. (That came out with such poor grammar! I hope it's understandable!) We TALKED, we understand baggage, we know where we've been and how we got here.


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## mrstj4sho88

MrsKy said:


> If my marriage was not successful, I would try not to remarry a divorced man. I could handle one failed marriage if the man did not have a psycho ex or children that he has full custody of. Sorry, but I don't want to play the mother role to anyone's kids. I admire those who can be a stepparent, but it is not for me.



Sometimes the children don't want a stepmother. Well you being upfront about it. Some marry people with kids knowing that's not for them.


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