# Making him choose between me & his mother



## bananajo99 (Jul 6, 2014)

My boyfriend and I dated for 4 years before we became engaged. He lived about an hour from me with his family, so I only really saw them on holidays and family gatherings. His relationship with his parents was hard for me to understand, as they were very controlling and extremely involved in his life. I am close to my family, but I am very independent and I usually do not include them in my decision making. I never interfered with the discussions he had with his parents, since it did not really affect me, however I did not like the way they would belittle him. He is a people pleaser and would always tell them what they wanted to hear to avoid conflict.

I have to say that his mom is a very aggressive and sometimes violent person. I did not grown up in this type of environment so this is something I cannot tolerate. His grandparents raised him the first few years of his life, so this is something he has gotten use over the last few years.

When we became engaged his mother was very opinionated and did not hold back on whatever she was thinking. She did not have any boundaries. Since this was affecting my life now (as she had opinions on the wedding, where we would live, how we would raise our children) I asked my fiance to step up with me and as a united front and tell her the decisions we have made together. She ultimately went off the deep end since she did not have control over his life anymore and was very disrespectful to me. I still tried to apologize to her about a misunderstanding (even though I didnt feel I was in the wrong) but she kept carrying on telling my fiance it was me or her. I couldnt believe a mother could put her son in this situation. I have never had anyone dislike me before and the fact that she really did not think I was good enough for her son hurt me so much.

Ultimately, he chose me but I could not go through with a wedding and build a life with a man knowing what he had to sacrifice. Even though it was not an ultimatum that I gave him, it still felt wrong to start a life together this way. I broke off the engagement and its been a year since we have seen each other.

We just ran into each other last week and neither one of us is over the other. He still wants to make it work and it determined to handle things better with his mother.

I am thinking about reconciling, but I cannot see having his mother in my life or my future childrens lives. The way I was raised in my family, I could not even comprehend this. I grew up with all 4 grandparents at holidays and my sisters in-laws celebrate with us as well. Family was always so important. I was always so excited to one day have in-laws and keep the family growing.

Could this marriage really work by keeping his wife and mother separate or should I just cut my losses and move on?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

What has changed between him and his mother?


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## ShameLessLover (Nov 5, 2013)

If you want this marriage to work.
1. You will have to develop a thick skin towards your to be in laws. Do not react, respond. Be respectful but diffuse the crap in a respectable way.

2/. As for in laws, its your husband;s job to make them understand or draw a line - NOT YOURS. Do not try to come in between them. Your husband has to decide what he wants.

If you think those two things are not going to happen. Do not Marry - it would be very stressful marriage.


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## bananajo99 (Jul 6, 2014)

Elegirl....he says that losing me opened his eyes to how controlling and manipulative she is. While she hasnt changed her behavior, he says that he has changed how he deals with her. I can only take his word on that which is scary.


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## bananajo99 (Jul 6, 2014)

ShameLessLover: Thank you for your reply. Your are right, I will have to develop a thick skin towards them which is hard for me because I am use to everyone just getting along and being pleasant. 

I feel that it is was his job to make them understand and he never did that. He says that he thinks he did, but he knows he couldve handled it better. He says that their relationship is different now and he has changed how he reacts to her. I guess I would have to see that to know its true.

His decision right now it to get back together and keep our life separate from her. I just cant see that being a long term solution.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

People break contact, or minimize it, with topic parents all the time.

There are ways of doing this that over time will actually defuse the situation. Perhaps the two of you could find a marriage counselor who you work with over the years in learning how to defuse the MIL. 

There are things that can be done that minimize her impact on your relationship. The best methods are ones that put the responsibility to behave well on her.

For example, when I married both my mom and MIL did not like each other. It was clear that there would be a meltdown between these two at the wedding. So we told them both that if they said anything that was out of line we'd just call a taxi to take them home. We would not allow them to ruin our wedding.

It worked. They both behaved like saints and had a great time.


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## bananajo99 (Jul 6, 2014)

Great advice Elegirl thanks! :smthumbup:


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