# Now the sorry's are coming



## Lily_B (Jul 28, 2011)

Ugh, I am having a difficult day! My story is here. So today I sent him a txt saying we need to talk as I am having a difficult time lying to my family. They are wanting to do things together and i'm making up excuses as to why we can't join them, they know nothing as yet. He is telling me he's ended it, that it was foolish, how badly he is feeling, how he wants to make us work, etc. 

I am still so angry and confused about it all. My close friends that i have talked to, say, I need to make a decision for me, no one else. I have a tendency of putting everyone else's feelings first. If I am not thinking clearly, I would probably stay with H just not to hurt him, however, he has HURT me, he made this decision. 

Any comments on how you got past that feeling of bad for them even though they are the ones that hurt you. We have been married 20 yrs, it's a long history. No kids, but got involved when we were both young.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

One of the reasons you are hurting is you are lying to your family , stop, tell them what happened. They may have different views to you but at least then they understand what you are going through. By keeping this to yourself you are damaging yourself and causing a rift with your own family , the lie will one day slip out, rather tell them in a way that you control than they find out by other means.

Once the truth is out it is one more step forward for you to heal .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Riverside MFT (Oct 5, 2009)

I agree with Eli-Zor. I think you can tell your family that you are struggling with some marital issues right now. You can even tell them some of the basic things without revealing all of the hurtful details. You need support as you are going through with this. Maybe your family can provide you that support, maybe close and trusted friends, or maybe even counseling.


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## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

I've done this same thing, I haven't told very many people and I've realized that I should. I didnt talk about it to anyone for the longest time and it has only made things worse. I guess I felt that I would look like a failure or something, or that people would think that I was making a mountain out of a mole hill especially because the general public doesn't know what an EA actually is or how hurtful it is, most people think that an A is strickly physical.

I also had kept it to myself because I love my W and want to R so I didn't want people to think badly about her or badly about me for staying with her. Another fear was that people would play sides or something and tell me that it was my fault it had happened.

What are some of the things you have been worried about when it comes to exposure Lily?


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## Lily_B (Jul 28, 2011)

Thanks everyone for your comments.

I am not really worried about the exposure, I guess, it's more like the right time and way to tell them. I have told a few close friends and yes it definitely has helped to be able to open up. It's not an easy thing for me to do in the first place as I do not open up easily. 

I wanted to talk things through with the H last night, but it didn't happen. He is always txting now from work and saying nice things. Obviously the guilt has set in and sees the distance I have put between us. Let alone the fact that I told him I am thinking things through to see what I really want and need. That this is a true wake-up call.

It just makes it more difficult to think clearly with him being extra nice (which he obviously wasn't in his nature before PA).


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## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

I know the feeling, my W has been acting extra nice lately and I'm confused about it all. It kinda irritates me some times because I feel like it's fake or something, like she's sweeping it under a rug and pretending like the huge buldge on the rug is nothing while I keep tripping on it.

Some times I'm even uncomfortable by the way she acts or talks to me because she will say a bunch of sweet things to me or do something sweet and I start thinking to myself "Why am I so great all of the sudden? Apparently there was nothing great or special about me while the EA was going on, so why now?"

I'm glad I found this website when I did because I didn't really talk to anyone about this at all, I still can't really talk about it. If it wasn't for this website I don't know where I'd be today.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You need to make a decision for you and nobody else. 

As far as making excuses to everyone about why you both can't attend things--it's your choice what to tell everyone also.


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## Lily_B (Jul 28, 2011)

I so dislike the fact that my character is "put everyone else's feelings before my own". Even today, I was thinking things through and immediately thought of a message he sent yesterday saying "I do not see my life without you". I thought to myself, he would be really hurt and then I quickly turned it around and listened to all my close friends as well as this forum telling me I need to put my feelings first. I got angry and said to myself who hurt who here.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

lily, 

Oh I am getting the I'm sorry too. I love you, I want the marriage back, etc... All I know, is my life has changed as I knew it pre affair, as everyone on this forum will agree. It is a very long road that lies ahead. I am only 9 weeks away from my husband affair, and now pressure from him to move on. I told him, Hey,This is just the beginning!! I don't think he has no clue what lies ahead .

I am really sorry you are here . 

~sammy


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I think you and many other LS are pushed by the cheater to move quickly so they get the uncomfortable feelings over with quickly. That shows an unwillingness to ask for forgiveness and to atone. These are frequently the marriages here the LS, who is pushed to R and then move on is resentful and has to pretend to be happy. 

In addition in a few yrs the cheater may do it again because it was so easy the first time around. Then the LS feels a fool for wasting yrs and regrets giving his/her time to the cheater. Also it is not unusual for the cheater to go back to the OM/OW frequently before they decide and they may decide to leave while you think that you are working on R. 

Don't give cheap forgiveness if you think you want to R. Don't let the cheater back into your life until they demonstrate by deeds that they reload the pain they have caused understand why they did it, willing to work on the relationship and will atone. This takes time. But it is important to demand this at the outset. If it pushes the person away then bid them goodbye, you would have been miserable providing them with a family life for yrs while you are hurting.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lily_B (Jul 28, 2011)

sammy3 said:


> lily,
> 
> Oh I am getting the I'm sorry too. I love you, I want the marriage back, etc... All I know, is my life has changed as I knew it pre affair, as everyone on this forum will agree. It is a very long road that lies ahead. I am only 9 weeks away from my husband affair, and now pressure from him to move on. I told him, Hey,This is just the beginning!! I don't think he has no clue what lies ahead .
> 
> ...


I agree Sammy it is a huge change in ones life. Unbelievable to me how i'm just 2 weeks away and he already thinks things are better. It is still sinking in!!!

Hang in there!


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## Lily_B (Jul 28, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> I think you and many other LS are pushed by the cheater to move quickly so they get the uncomfortable feelings over with quickly. That shows an unwillingness to ask for forgiveness and to atone. These are frequently the marriages here the LS, who is pushed to R and then move on is resentful and has to pretend to be happy.
> 
> In addition in a few yrs the cheater may do it again because it was so easy the first time around. Then the LS feels a fool for wasting yrs and regrets giving his/her time to the cheater. Also it is not unusual for the cheater to go back to the OM/OW frequently before they decide and they may decide to leave while you think that you are working on R.
> 
> ...


I so agree with you Catherine and definitely one of my worries. I really do not to have any more of my life wasted, we only live once! The road ahead whether I decide to D or R will be long no matter which path I choose, however, in a few years, could it happen again? This is an unknown and not sure I am willing to risk it. I am hurt !


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## Lily_B (Jul 28, 2011)

He told me "this is a nightmare I want to awake from". My first thought was omg what is he thinking? He thinks he's in a nightmare????


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

He needs to step up and own what he did. He needs to confess to both families with you to not put you in the position of lying and to publicly take accountability of what he's done. IMO he only needs to do this to your very close circle of family AND anyone you feel it necessary to. I confessed to my family and my wife's for that reason and to show my wife that I was truly sorry and would do whatever it took to reconcile. He also needs to PROVE to you that he's ended it - full transparency to everything in his life. You shouldn't have to ask for this - he should give it willingly. 

About the increased affection from waywards - I can certainly see that this can be a smoke screen or guilty conscience on the waywards part but there is another alternative. I did the same thing when I was in my EA, I became much more affectionate to my wife. Here's why. I love my wife very much and my affair pointed out to me that affection, attention and flirting were missing from our marriage and that I missed it. I didn't realize these things were missing before my EA but once I realized it I started to do these things and they were genuine. Just pointing out that the possibility does exist that the new attention and affection are real.


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## Lily_B (Jul 28, 2011)

Thanks sigma! I appreciate your comments. He simply goes on with his life as if there is no problems, but then makes that kind of comment. Also, the words of affection are only coming thru texts and not when he is home. He definitely has Not stepped up and does not own it. More like he is just rug sweeping and that gets to me as well. I am not sure how to handle it - do I just tell him he needs to come forth with it all, but like you said he should be giving it all willingly, but he's not!


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

The thing is - and this goes back to your first thread - he's got to want to reconcile. He can say the words, but until it's what he really wants it's all hollow and false. This is where I think the betrayed spouses really have a raw deal. Not only do you have to deal with the pain and trauma of having been betrayed but you also have to do the work of getting your spouse out of the affair and the "fog." Anyone still in an affair is not thinking clearly, and it's very hard to get them out and lift that fog. "The 180" and other methods you can find on here are the best ways to intervene in his affair. Basically you have to ruin his fun, expose the affair, and force him to realize he can't have both his marriage and his affair. Once he realizes that - he'll pick - if you're still willing to give him a choice. When he comes out of the fog (he will sooner or later), if you then give him that choice, and he picks his marriage, then reconciliation can begin. Reconciliation starts with the things like no contact letters and transparency but they are the easy parts. 

If you force him to choose you run the risk of him choosing his affair or of so damaging the marriage that it is irrecoverable. However, if you don't force him to choose it will just be rug sweeping and extremely likely to happen again or continue (I'm not sure it has really stopped yet).


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## Lily_B (Jul 28, 2011)

He has said its our marriage he wants and that it is done with her. however, as i've stated he's not opened up at all about the PA, let alone been transparent in any way! He is definitely rug sweeping, I see it. Now all I know is that he's not communicating with her from when he gets home to bedtime, that's all I know. I own a business and work mostly from home, however, he works out of the home and is in the city center, which I know the OW is as well, as he did say he would sometimes see her at lunch. When I say, has she contacted you, he simply says "it's over with her".


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Lily-, 

So much of what you write I have too just been going through. Just a fight this morning, how all he wants is forgiveness and cant understand why I cant move on. I have told him I am empty and can not love him the way he wants, and if he cant live w me like that then he has the right to make that decision and leave . He had 22 months to get use to this mess where I have 9 weeks.

The rug sweeping is easy, but will make it so much more difficult. The other day a friend stopped by and saw my books and such on the table about affairs. She quietly told me this happened to her 10 years ago. We started to talk, 10 years later, the hurt and pain, disbelief, trust issues, hopelessness ,lovelessness, fakelessness, it is all there, with small moments of joy. That is what is left in her marriage. She said, it just changed her. 

~sammy


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## Lily_B (Jul 28, 2011)

Sammy,

I hear you. I am right there too, except for me it's only 3 weeks. Amazing how they think it's so easy to just forgive. I too told him last week that at this point forgiveness has not even crossed my mind. It's tough, we have a lot of family events coming up, wedding, family weekend trip. I am doing my best to just keep things calm and try to think things through as to what I really want.

I can imagine that your friend is 10 yrs in and is still dealing with it. It is something that cannot ever be forgotten.

Lily


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

I have been badgering my husband to his breaking point, but I still don't know if I can move on together, or if I want to. When I read this list comparing rug sweeping vs reconciliation ,my husband still doesn't meet all requirements. 

But with all his I love you, I want to be with you forever, I am sorry, his pressure, pushed me away,and when I would tell him I don't want to hear, "I loved you, I never stopped loving you," while he was sleeping with the OW,. and with my hurt anger, etc.. he has turned the tables, and is now acting again like he is victim and doesn't understand why I cant forgive him ! It is now me who is the bad guy. So the arguments start, and now go on, and on, and on... we are both so broken.

~sammy


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## Lily_B (Jul 28, 2011)

sammy3 said:


> I have been badgering my husband to his breaking point, but I still don't know if I can move on together, or if I want to. When I read this list comparing rug sweeping vs reconciliation ,my husband still doesn't meet all requirements.
> 
> But with all his I love you, I want to be with you forever, I am sorry, his pressure, pushed me away,and when I would tell him I don't want to hear, "I loved you, I never stopped loving you," while he was sleeping with the OW,. and with my hurt anger, etc.. he has turned the tables, and is now acting again like he is victim and doesn't understand why I cant forgive him ! It is now me who is the bad guy. So the arguments start, and now go on, and on, and on... we are both so broken.
> 
> ~sammy


I know, its a difficult situation. Have you discussed IC and MC at all? I am feeling strange lately. Feels like he has just forgotten what he's done. I know he hasn't, as he sees my attitude, but he won't even bring it up unless I say something.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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