# I have a very high drive and my 2nd husband has a very low drive.



## danztchr (Jun 17, 2015)

I got divorced a couple years ago and met (or re-met) my new husband. We went to high school together years ago and then he contacted me through Facebook. I love him very much, more than my first husband, but this sex difference is killing me! Especially when it is my stress relief and I own a business, plus have 3 kids. 

My first husband and I were so compatible sexually. We'd have it almost every day, sometimes 2-3 times a day. Even when we separated we still would occasionally hook up. My new husband says he's never been all that interested in sex, always had a low drive. I'm now lucky if I can get him to do it once a week, but sometimes not even that. We were ok in the beginning, just dating, but a few months after he moved in it all went down hill. Of course it's not a deal breaker as we are now recently married. He's never been married before and was a roadie for 10 years so really hasn't had a ton of relationships either.

We've discussed it to death and I'm just really disappointed nothing's changing yet he promises again and again to work on it. he's always tired or not feeling good or he doesn't want it when he's stressed, opposite of me. 

I feel like I'm starting to just give up, not feel it (sexual desire) anymore and I really don't want that, but don't know what to do here. Sex with him is great most of the time. It has it's ruts of same thing/positions every time or awkwardness and he's not really into oral sometimes, but as a whole it's really good and connected. I just am at a loss. Until now I'd never met a guy who didn't like sex. I've tried initiating, doing things he says would turn him on more and nothing works and no matter how much he says he's attracted to me, why does this seem to play on my beauty or feeling sexy/beautiful and self-worth/esteem in a way? I dunno...


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

How was the sexual relationship with your current husband before you got married? Was he the same way before the marriage?


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

How old is he, is he on antidepressant, diabetic or blood sugar problem? He likely needs a complete physical/medical workup/blood work after discussing his "problem" with the physician. (see if he can get a referral to internal medicine/endocrinologists)


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

WHY ON EARTH WOULD YOU MARRY SOMEONE WITH THE COMPLETELY OPPOSITE SEX DRIVE??????????????????

It's your own fault.


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

danztchr said:


> I got divorced a couple years ago and met (or re-met) my new husband. We went to high school together years ago and then he contacted me through Facebook. I love him very much, more than my first husband, but this sex difference is killing me! Especially when it is my stress relief and I own a business, plus have 3 kids.
> 
> My first husband and I were so compatible sexually. We'd have it almost every day, sometimes 2-3 times a day. Even when we separated we still would occasionally hook up. My new husband says he's never been all that interested in sex, always had a low drive. I'm now lucky if I can get him to do it once a week, but sometimes not even that. We were ok in the beginning, just dating, but a few months after he moved in it all went down hill. Of course it's not a deal breaker as we are now recently married. He's never been married before and was a roadie for 10 years so really hasn't had a ton of relationships either.
> 
> ...


You can't change who someone else is dear.

Deal with it or move on.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

You married him knowing he had a low sex drive, accept the situation or leave. Maybe you should have stayed married to your first husband.


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## Todd (Jun 13, 2015)

poida said:


> WHY ON EARTH WOULD YOU MARRY SOMEONE WITH THE COMPLETELY OPPOSITE SEX DRIVE??????????????????
> 
> It's your own fault.


How is this helpful?

This is thread sh**ting. Back off, and go pick on someone your own size and with a mind and heart as small as yours.

Beat it. Scram.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Todd said:


> How is this helpful?
> 
> This is thread sh**ting. Back off, and go pick on someone your own size and with a mind and heart as small as yours.
> 
> Beat it. Scram.


there are lots of things that go into picking a life long mate, sexual compatibility is only one of them. a big one, but only one thing. 
she stated her ex was awesome at sex but (probably) lousy at a lot of other things (narcissistic, @hole, who knows?). now shes with a dude that she loves very much and is a good guy, but is low drive.

you also say, that you've 'talked this thing to death', so talking probably won't do any good. he says he'll try, try try, but he doesn't doesn't, doesn't.

unfortunately, i think you're stuck with a LD dude. try to get it as often as you can. that's about all you can do. one of his buddies needs to take him aside and whisper (no, SHOUT); "step up to the plate more DUDE!!!". don't know how lucky you are!


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

Just an observation, I'm not saying you should not expect more. 

Once a week is double, triple or 4 times as much as many LD women settle into after children. Is it fair to expect more? I don't know, I think maybe there is some level between once a month if you are lucky and every day+ which is fair to expect. Once a week may be pretty close. 

You are never going to get every day, find some number that is more reasonable and talk about that as a goal.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Modern life with busy schedules, social conformity, double incomes just to provide for shelter etc is not conducive at all to frequent sex for many people. When does your H get quality down time for himself? When you attempt to initiate, how do you go about it? I'm a bit of a LD guy, but not because I'm never up for it, just because when I need time to recover from the daily grind my mind goes to what comes easiest - usually eye contact and a smile from my partner does about 10x more to get me in the actual mood than dirty talk, sex jokes, or innuendo (even though I love all of that too). For a LD guy like me, the best way for my partner to initiate is for her to remove distractions, not create them.


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## danztchr (Jun 17, 2015)

Thank you all and any LD or semi LD men or women married to these men, please keep posting your thoughts, suggestions! That's why I came here. I've talked to friends and family but haven't found anyone who really understands or 'gets' it. 

It's ok for some people to have the stronger, more negative points of view. I understand and know I put myself in this situation and I'm not trying to whine, just find like situational people who can offer opinions, advice. Everyone's entitled to their opinions and like butts, everyone has one. :grin2: My first husband and I were very in sync, connected, compatible, but he was so into sex, that even though we were having it a lot, he began to feel we didn't have an emotional connection anymore after a few things (death of his father and me almost dying during our last child's birth) that he began to seek that and sex elsewhere not once but twice that I know of and that was the end of us. He was also very narcissistic and manipulative actually as time went on and things effected us. so no, I shouldn't still be with him and am glad I'm not.

I did chose this second husband man of mine because he has a huge heart, very kind, giving, not without faults (we're still adjusting money and blended family wise) and i love him immensely! More than I ever thought possible and more than I ever loved my first husband or anyone. He's so different physically from anyone I've ever been in a relationship with, but I am so turned on by him and everything about him. He makes me very happy. 

We didn't kiss until the 3rd date and when we didn't live together, sex was normal frequency to me. I noticed the lack more once we were living together and in fairness, a lot started happening with his dad's health decline, jobs, etc. outside factors. He is a smoker so I know that can have an effect. We're working on his quitting together. He also does need to get checked out for diabetes, funny you mention that, because it is rampant in both sides of his family. He never has issues with ED or anything, just being in the mood. We literally have to schedule it. I get let down a lot when I try to be spontaneous because he'll put me off. We have done toys some and lingerie. I think like other things, he's just not use to relationships and marriage and how it all works sometimes like this aspect. He is a very shy guy I should mention too, I mean that's the reason we never dated in high school when we first met because he was too shy. He doesn't think he's good at kissing or sex no matter how much I say that he is. I believe he was told that at some point. We don't kiss very often and like someone else suggested, I would love that! Even those little things of intimacy would be great. We do lil pecks all the time, but not deep, sensual kissing and I'm lucky if it happens even during sex. 

I do apologize to those of you who are lucky to get it even once a month. I do not mean to sound bratty or selfish in wanting more. I just have always had partners/relationships with like sex drive people and am not sure what to do here. 

Lon, I did like what you brought up and that could be true. I will try to be more aware of this. We almost never have sex except for late at night. There's been 2-3 times where he's surprised me early in the morning or mid afternoon, but that's VERY rare, even on weekends, his days off. 

Thank you again and keep your thoughts a coming! Thisisi a great place and I appreciate it.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

My guess OP is that this will never improve, you need to make a decision about if you can live this way for the rest of your life. Truly decide that and do all you can to stop resentment building on either side or your marriage will eventually fall apart.

The lack of passionate kissing is a big red flag. Some people appear higher drive at the start of a relationship but then fall back to their normal drive. 

Another red flag is when people that have a hard time having open and comfortable discussions about sex.

Your situation is the complete opposite of mine and I can see how you fell into this trap, not having experience with the LD man before. My first husband was very similar to your current and our marriage became sexless and even worse passionless. I ended the marriage after trying for many years. I have now re partnered with a very compatible man, not just in the bedroom but in life. We enjoy a fantastic and mutually satisfying sex life, daily plus, lots of love, fun and adventure. Without a doubt I would rather be heading into the rest of my life with a man that is compatible in ALL areas of life than what you have, a good man but not sexually compatible, you are in for some pain. Understand that now because attempts to change this will possibly be futile, you can't fix it so live with it or move on.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

danztchr said:


> He also does need to get checked out for diabetes, funny you mention that, because it is rampant in both sides of his family. He never has issues with ED or anything, just being in the mood.
> There's been 2-3 times where he's surprised me early in the morning or mid afternoon, but that's VERY rare, even on weekends, his days off.


Talk to the doctor about the problem and get the man a medical evaluation. Surprising you early in the morning may be an indication to low testosterone levels since T levels are higher in the morning for some men. Rule out medical problems before you decide to ditch this cat.... and you likely will


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

danztchr said:


> I do apologize to those of you who are lucky to get it even once a month. I do not mean to sound bratty or selfish in wanting more. I just have always had partners/relationships with like sex drive people and am not sure what to do here.


You have no reason at all to apologize to anyone for the issues in your sex life. Sure there some here who are in low or no sex marriages. These people are both men and women. And that makes sense because men choose to make their marriages sexless as often as women do. 

No one should not be posting things to try to make you feel guilty because you would like to improve your self life. Your life is what we are dealing with on this thread.

How old are you and your husband. Age can make a difference.

There is a process of elimination to determine what the issues are. You husband could very well have low T levels or other health issues that interfere with his sex drive. So see if you can get him to go to see a doctor for a checkup and to get his T levels checked. That's the first thing to do.

You say that he's not had any long term relationships before. Several things could be going on. 

A lot of roadies are pretty promiscuous... their job leads to that environment. Was this the case with him?

If he was not promiscuous, then maybe he either is naturally low drive (low T) or maybe he has just trained himself to not respond to his urges.

After the doc appointment. If it's not a health issue, going to a sex therapist might do you both a lot of good. Just make sure you tell him it's because you find him hot.


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## danztchr (Jun 17, 2015)

I am 37 and he's 38. 

He doesn't watch or look at porn. I've never seen or heard him even masturbating and even my ex would do that still even with all the sex, saw and heard him plenty of times. Have lived with current husband over a year and a half and no indication of that. He says he's never really done it much at all, no need. He says he was not promiscuous on the road and I believe him because again, very shy guy, does not come off at all as someone who's had a lot of sex honestly. In fact he quit that life because of how disgusted he was by bands cheating on their wives and wanting him to cover it up or show the wives a good time while they cheated. 

I know he needs to be seen by a doctor and he says he's open to it, but hasn't done it yet. I dunno if he'd go for the sex therapist though it might be a good idea...

Like I said before, this isn't a deal breaker, though it is not exactly what I'd like and can be frustrating. it's not going to make me pack it in and leave ever. I know also that you can't change people. I just want to find some way to find compromise, common ground. Meet in the middle of our 2 drives and perhaps it's not possible. Just want to see what others say, their experiences. Ya just never know. At least it's just nice to know I'm not alone.


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