# Tonight Sucks - sad and lonely



## Ninja1980 (May 23, 2011)

I just feel like crying tonight, and I don't know totally why. I am overwhelmed with loneliness. So that's part of it. But I've been doing so well lately, this feels like a setback. (My full story is here, by the way.)

I miss my H, but not the one from the last six months, the one from originally. I wish he was here with me, and that we could hang out and laugh like we used to do. I could use a hug, for one thing. I could use a long talk with my life partner. I could use some love.

I have great friends, and I've been leaning on them to help me through the last few weeks since DDay (which will be three weeks tomorrow), and I told my parents what's going on last night and they were great and understanding and supportive. But I would love it if I woke up in the morning and it was December of last year and none of this had ever happened, it was just all a bad dream. I know I'll get through this, with or without H, one way or another, and I'll be stronger because of it. But tonight? Tonight SUCKS. I'm just sad.  I don't *want* to have to start over. I want to keep my marriage and start a family down the road like we planned. I want the alleged OW and her family to be relocated to a remote island where they'll be happy and prosperous but completely out of my (and H's) life. I want everyone to call me up tonight and tell me they just realized how badly H is treating me and they're sorry for it. I want someone to tell me they're sorry for how he's treating me. He gives me these generic apologies and when I ask what it's for he says, "You name it," or something and I just wish he would start listing things. I'm sorry I'm mean to you, I'm sorry I don't care about how any of this is effecting you, I'm sorry I'm an a$$hole, I'm sorry I'm so inconsiderate... and so forth.

It's a hard night. Just needed to vent a little. So glad this site is here.


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## yourbabygirl (May 28, 2011)

_But I would love it if I woke up in the morning and it was December of last year and none of this had ever happened, it was just all a bad dream. _

Same here!! Last December H has been asking me to go to MC together, I said NO, thought he was overreacting, because we are best friends, what is it that we can't solve just the 2 of us?? 

Apparently, a lot!! Cr*p!! I wished I hadn't been so hard-headed. I love him soooooooo much still.


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

I'm sorry for how he's treating you.

{{{HUGS}}}


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## Ninja1980 (May 23, 2011)

Thanks, BigToe.


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## Wyoming (Jun 6, 2011)

Ya tonight sucks, just know your not the only person hurting tonight. if you are alone and have noone to talk to and it gets bad send me an email we can swap stories and take our minds off the hurt


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## Kcrat (Mar 18, 2011)

I'm sorry Ninja. I have been going through the very same thing  I'll think I've turned a corner, and then out of nowhere I fall apart. I too do not want to start over...........have to be alone...........do everything alone...........pick up the slack all by myself...........Don't want it the way it was, but want a "redo" with HIM! UGH. Poor us. But we WILL prevail, and be happy, healthy people once again. I just know it!!!!!!!!! Good luck to you


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## yourbabygirl (May 28, 2011)

It sucks that we work several metres away from each but I cannot see him inside his office door.. His office light is open but I am not going to see him so at least he has a chance to miss me, to miss us.. This 180 is taking so much energy, I am not really doing anything for myself except wait in anguish that H will somehow find it in his heart to realise what he lost..

It sucks, but it's not that bad because I still know that there is no OW in the picture. He seems to be pouring all of his attention to his job.


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## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

We all have set backs. It's just how the process goes so don't be upset with yourself because what you are dealing with is perfectly normal.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## yourbabygirl (May 28, 2011)

It's almost midnight, I don't want to go home alone and sleep on an empty bed.. Why does it have to be so hard???


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## rider03 (Apr 7, 2009)

I'm sorry Ninja. Hang in there. It's a real rollercoaster but it all gets better with time. Everyone here is on your side.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Ninja, vent all you want on here; it's a great place to do it. I am sorry that you are having a bad moment.

YBG, I know what it is like to have your stbx working with you, mine works in my building also although on a different floor. I don't know if I could work as close as you do with yours, that would definitely be a problem for us. I don't know how it is at your job but is it possible for you to ask for a move or a transfer away from that area - that's gotta be tough!


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## DevastatedandConfused (May 3, 2011)

Everything you guys are saying sounds like it is me speaking. I've been staying with my parents whilst trying to sort myself out my own house. They have had to stay away overnight tonight and Im so sad and so lonely. I dont want this, I want to go home to my husband. I know Im lucky to have support from my family and friends, but when its not the one person you need , it just isnt the same. What does everyone do when they get this low? I feel so desperate and useless and I just dont know what Im supposed to do


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

I miss the person I'm fairly certain I never had to begin with. I am the master of over-romanticizing. My son had to kick my butt back in line today about getting all weepy (we passed the first place soon to be ex and I ever had dinner together). Soon to be ex isn't my son's father and my kid is almost 19-I'm not dragging kids into anything. I was just all *sigh* and he stopped me in my tracks. So lucky to have that kid.


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## yourbabygirl (May 28, 2011)

brighterlight said:


> Ninja, vent all you want on here; it's a great place to do it. I am sorry that you are having a bad moment.
> 
> YBG, I know what it is like to have your stbx working with you, mine works in my building also although on a different floor. I don't know if I could work as close as you do with yours, that would definitely be a problem for us. I don't know how it is at your job but is it possible for you to ask for a move or a transfer away from that area - that's gotta be tough!


No, I surely don't want to be transferred. I still want to see him, I ache just to get a glimpse of his face. I can't totally let him get out of my life. I know you would think I am being unfair to myself but we are also best friends, I don't want to lose that with the enormous distance caused by our separation, because if that happens he would really never return as my husband.. I am not sure.. I feel like all he is remembering of me right now is the nagging wife that he can't stand, the 'trigger' to his so-called mental condition, but if I become a good friend to him, he might see that our marriage wasn't all that bad and in fact we are great together.


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## Clinging (May 14, 2011)

I'm having a hard time today as well. I broke down and have texted back and forth to my H who has OW and I know it was the wrong thing to do. Even though I know what he did to me is wrong in so many ways, I still miss him so much. He was a part of my life for so long.

For those that can do the NC, I appauld them, they are a much stronger person than I am.

Heres to everyone having a better evening and day than yesterday.


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## WomanScorned (May 8, 2011)

Ninja1980 said:


> But I would love it if I woke up in the morning and it was December of last year and none of this had ever happened, it was just all a bad dream.




:iagree:

So wish I could build a time machine.....lonely here tonight, too. You've got plenty of company, I'm sure. It's funny how it feels like you're the only one, but there are really SO many people who have either been there or are there now. I have to keep remembering that.


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## yourbabygirl (May 28, 2011)

My body is almost feverish but my arms/hands are feels like icicle. Is this a normal sign of stress and grieving? Mornings are much worse for me when I wake up without him by my side.


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## Ninja1980 (May 23, 2011)

Clinging said:


> Heres to everyone having a better evening and day than yesterday.


:iagree:

Indeed. I'm feeling better this evening - hope everyone else is, too. Good days and bad, but thank goodness for this website and forum and all of you to commiserate!


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## WomanScorned (May 8, 2011)

yourbabygirl said:


> My body is almost feverish but my arms/hands are feels like icicle. Is this a normal sign of stress and grieving? Mornings are much worse for me when I wake up without him by my side.


I think it's normal.


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

yourbabygirl said:


> My body is almost feverish but my arms/hands are feels like icicle. Is this a normal sign of stress and grieving? Mornings are much worse for me when I wake up without him by my side.


Aw man, this is really sad 

I'm on a different time table than you guys. I'm usually ok at night because I am not a night person. I'm usually ok in the mornings because my stupid soon to be ex would sleep until at least 9am even on work days (computer guys get all the luxury hours). Weekends, damn noon at least. So anyway my mornings have always been staircase-only times.

My rough patches are during the day when we'd IM all day about our crappy jobs and stupid things coworkers did, etc. I keep thinking "oh man I can wait until I tell...." Oh yeah


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## MyTwoGirls (May 31, 2011)

I want to just say I also get those hole in the gut feelings about 90% of the time I'm awake since my wife left me for another a year ago...even though I have my 2 daughters with me 60% of the time I get a very lonely feeling because it doesn't seem I will ever fall for someone again...talk about wishing for a time machine, that is me!


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## cherokee96red (Apr 23, 2011)

Seems I have a bad day at least once a week right now. DD is tired of seeing Mom so emotional and weepy. I try my best not to let that happen. Also trying to hold my tongue with the anger and sarcasm. I think that's harder than not crying, at least for me. I have a good friend that I can let go and vent to. I have to watch what I post on my FB as nearly all of the family (both sides) are on my friends list and I'm fairly certain that someone is monitoring it and reporting any and every little thing. But de-friending any of them would be a red flag for sure.

Eventually I think I'll get to the point that I just won't really care what those few even think.


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

Bad night here. I've been thinking about stupid crap like cuddling with my evil soon to be ex. DAMMIT.


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## Ninja1980 (May 23, 2011)

*hugs staircase*
I am having another bad one, too. I started the separation of our finances today and e-mailed H (originally I was going to tell him tomorrow at MC, but thought - if it were me - I would want him to tell me, so I did) and he as a little *too* understanding about it. I think I expected him to be angry and lash out or yell at me or give me the silent treatment... no, he was basically like, "OK, can you tell me the details on the accounts that are now mine?" And that was it. This wasn't a test or anything, I truly did it to feel safer about our (my) money and I just don't want to spend any more time stalking the bank accounts to see what he's buying and then obsessing about what/who it's for. Anyway, for whatever reason his reaction (or lack thereof) made me really sad. Why doesn't he even want to talk to me? Why am I being treated like I've done something wrong? Ugh - I hate nights like this.

MC tomorrow, hoping it helps...


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## Wyoming (Jun 6, 2011)

nights are the worst for me too, going to bed after this post. this will be the first night i don't text her. talked to her this morning, not alot of help. God i just want to stop hurting. I have no friends or family even close. I wish i had someone going through the same thing so we could relate and talk, just someone to take my mind off of her.


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## sadand (Apr 2, 2011)

I don't need to wake up from the dream, I think we needed the separation and the work with MC, just don't think we needed to throw the whole thing out. And you know what, I am learning a lot about myself and I am ok with or without him


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## WomanScorned (May 8, 2011)

I think I have the most trouble during the day, ironically. I think it's because when something happens I think, "Oh, gotta tell him about this....oh yeah." And it feels like a kick to the stomach. It is like a death, only the person is still walking around and you still have to see him (I do anyway, we've got young kids). I think I'd be taking it better if he WERE dead.....at least he wouldn't have CHOSEN to leave me.


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## reindeer (Mar 24, 2011)

I separated from my husand 4 weeks ago. No plans to reconcile but meeting weekly at present, first time last Saturday.

He has moved into a room, just 10 minutes walk away. I avoid going past as I don't want to see if his car is there or not, so then my imagination goes wild. Nearly gave in the other morning on my way to work.

I avoid texting him as his txts are not the same as when we were together, so I don't actually like getting them. Also I want him to see if he actually misses me, and our home and our family life. last Saturday when we met it was nice. i think he wants us to be friends, and get through things ammicably. i still have hope. I try not to get into phoning txting tho however much I want to. It makes me feel stronger somehow.

He txt me Tuesday to say he just got back from work (it was late) and could he come around and take our dog out the following morning. I wanted to have a txt chat, not sure if he did or it was purely being curteous as I would be out. Anyway I simply replied'yes'. he answers only when there is a need to , so I am doing the same.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Yeah, I really love the standofish feeling of a one or two word reply. Today, she went to the doctor so I texted her that I hope everything goes well for her there (I never missed an appointment with her) and maybe I screwed up but I also told her that I understand the courage it took for her to ask for the divorce and I told her that she did a great job on getting the house prepped for sale (while actually, we both worked on everything but she had some good ideas on the staging of it). Know what I got in response to my text? well I think you all have been there - I got a "Thank You" in the reply. That was it. It feels like they are afraid to say more because they don't want you to think they are interested and fear giving us false hope. shhh yeah right!

From my vantage point it looks rude and condescending. And they say they want to be friends. Friends talk to each other like normal human beings.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

As part of my "180" or whatever face it is I'm putting on, I'm the one thats actually making my text messages concise and emotionless (and it kinda hurts though I don't feel any guilt shich is good)...

Sad thing is I've only had a cell phone for a few months and was just starting to love being able to text my wife nice notes before the marriage quickly came undone. As I found out my wife thought I was cold and mean/rude in my texts even though I thought my texts were pretty sappy and romantic - I even used emoticons once in awhile! Well, I wonder how mean/rude she feels they are now that they convey absolutely no emotion from me. (even more sad as it turns out towards the end of our relationship, when I snooped on her phone I saw that literally right in the middle of our playful text conversations she was actually having a juicy and explicit simultaneous text conversation with the OM, argh no wonder I couldn't stimulate her brain)


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Lon what a crappy situation to be in. I feel for you; I've been there but it wasn't texting, it was "business lunches." This was a long long time ago and we worked past that (I think). So, yes, I feel your pain.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

yeah its crappy, but I'm not really wanting any pity. If anything it all just makes it easier to move on. That is, it will be easier once I get past the part where I'm still holding on to the idea of working past this. Honestly it has just been such a shock, I knew things were not good, and in hindsight I guess I could say I should have seen this coming, but I completely shut down that as a possibility and put hope in its place.

What is hard for me is that I don't really view the infidelity as the cause of the failure of our marriage, but it is something that is preventing us from being able to work past it. It sucks that in her mind she had complete certainty the marriage was over (basically saying "I want a divorce" three days before going on the booty call was good enough for her to give her the green light) so now she is already "moving on" with new people, but to me it has still felt like an affair. Though I will admit it is getting easier to handle, I'm not the wreck I was a couple weeks ago.

I really appreciate the support I've been given by you folks on this board. It is really helpful to know what others are going through, to see how similar but different other marriages have ended, I hope I will be able to share more "good news" stories as I work through all this.


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