# I'm baaaack!!!!



## Itsmeagain (Jul 18, 2013)

Hi all,

I was on this forum under a different SN 2 years ago. I chose to keep the incidents apart, and stay anonymous.

2 years ago, my wife had gotten into a text affair. Fast forward,... The individual she was texting turned out to be a gay man, and she simply had so much fun talking with this guy morning, noon and night.
However, it did pull us apart, because the amount of time she spent talking with him, took away from me.



After I caught up with him, (didn't know he was gay), I issued a warning to end his affair with my wife. He took my advice, and ended it. My wife immediately wanted out of our marriage, because she felt I had no right coming between them.

After some "down time", it took about 6 months for us to work it out, and everything seemed to be normal.

Anyway... 2 years later, my wife tells me she's not happy. She feels that we "outgrew each other", wants more time for herself and she doesn't look forward to coming home to me.

We've been together for a total of 17 years, and have 2 children ages 9, 14.

She started a new job about a year ago. She works with a man that has a "way with women". He had a well known affair, but is still with his wife. His wife is a friend of my wife, so I don't have suspicions about the two of them.

What I'm seeing, is that she has more 'fun" at work, than with me. I'm 15 years older than her, and she works with people her age. They laugh all day, do lunch, and get their job done.
After work, she comes home, and talks to her female co-corkers until she's good and ready to hang.
I've expressed my displeasure at her always being on the phone, ....and that's part of her grievance. She says she doesn't want anybody telling her when she has to come home, when she has to hang up the phone, etc...
I don't care what she does, but while she's doing all this, guess who's taking care of the kids, and cooking dinner?
I have to leave work early, because her boss wants her to stay longer.. another biggy for me.

There's more, but I thought Id start here.

let it fly!!


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

Sounds like she's not into you. She wants to act like a single person and do whatever she wants without regard for you or what you want...she doesn't care.

What do you want? You can't change her, you can only change what you do. If you are not enjoying this life with her lack of respect, you have to put your foot down in some areas and compromise in others....have you tried the 180? 

I would figure out where you want to be in life and get there....like yesterday. Start taking excellent care of yourself, because no one else will. Exercise, eat right, and start trying to figure out what you want to do. 

I'm sorry your here, man. Sucks.


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## Itsmeagain (Jul 18, 2013)

tulsy said:


> Sounds like she's not into you. She wants to act like a single person and do whatever she wants without regard for you or what you want...she doesn't care.
> 
> What do you want? You can't change her, you can only change what you do. If you are not enjoying this life with her lack of respect, you have to put your foot down in some areas and compromise in others....have you tried the 180?
> 
> ...


I agree 100%.

I think I'm here, (if anything) to help me accept the truth, and move on. I won't crumble, nor will I try to force her to feel ways she doesn't feel for me. I will respect her feelings, and in ways, I do appreciate her honesty.

We've had our moments of good and bad, but worked through it.
Maybe it's time.

This morning I told her that I would give her what she wants. I told her that I would look for an apartment.

She just called to tell me "she's over it", and wants me to stay.

I didn't want to be cruel, so I just told her that people don't get over this stuff so easily.

She's obviously confused, and giving me the "she's being selfish" speech.
I asked her if she was cheating, and she said no. I also told her that I would understand an unhappy wife cheating, and would just move on without incident. 

Since the last incident, Ive gotten in touch with myself, and understand that people would do things because they're not happy. And if that's the case, I would understand.
I didn't succeed in making her happy, and she's entitled to be happy.

I would prefer to move on, than feel as if I'm depriving her.

I know it sounds as if I'm not fighting for my marriage, but that's not the case. I just feel as if I can't win this battle, no matter how hard I fight it.

She always gets her way, when she wants something bad enough. I truly believe she wants her independence.

We're together since she's 21 years old, and I was 36... now 15 years later her needs may be different.

Just a little direction and support will do it for me.


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## mattsmom (Apr 2, 2013)

Hey, Me. I'm sorry you're here. The only person in this world that you are responsible for (besides your children) is you. Likewise, you are the only person in this world that is responsible for you. That being the case, you have to look at your current situation honestly and decide what will make you happy.

Living with a woman who shows you no affection and very little respect can't be fun. What would a good marriage look like for you? Write that down and show it to your wife. If that's not something she wants or is willing to try, you should cut your losses and find someone that will. 

Your youngest is the same age as my youngest. All of my other children are grown and on their own. I had a talk with my 9-year-old the other day about promises and how sometimes, no matter how badly you want to keep the promise, sometimes you just can't. We then talked about how it's sometimes better to have two parents who are happy and live apart than it is to have two parents who live together in misery. Don't get me wrong, I have an amazing kid, but I don't think he's way above normal intelligence. That being said, he understood what I was saying, and actually agreed with me. Your kids will understand, as well. 

It sucks, and I'm sorry you're going through it. I wish you the best of luck and happiness.

Mattsmom


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

This is classic WAW, and a false reconciliation. This is just the beginning. Decide if you want to invest in your marriage, cause you have at least 6-9 months of work ahead of you.


http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...our-dealing-walk-away-spouse.html#post3224209


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

What do you want?

There are no guarantees. Maybe she is on the way out, or maybe this has been a wakeup call.

Of course if you try again it is a risk. But if you were going to try again, what would you do?


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

Thumper said:


> This is classic WAW, and a false reconciliation. This is just the beginning. Decide if you want to invest in your marriage, cause you have at least 6-9 months of work ahead of you.
> 
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...our-dealing-walk-away-spouse.html#post3224209


Why are you sure it is false? Not saying it isn't....just seems like a glass-half-empty prediction.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

Have you tried counseling yet?


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

You have to question the whole notion of Recon IMO. OK I'm not the best example and I know there are genuine Recon "success" stories or more precisely, people who are well down that path but even then it all seems too much like hard work.

And then there is all the shenanigans of false Recon - where I'm at.

It's as confusing as hell. The BS can't put a foot right and he /she's in a bloody minefield. Yes all situations are different but I'm wondering what most of us in Recon, or what we think is Recon, are hoping to achieve. Day after day of humiliation in a trust free zone - what a blast.

Better off spending the time repairing yourself and moving on when the time is right. Which is not easy as I have discovered. But at least I can work on myself in the meantime and get a good job.

My WS thinks I'm mightily impressed when she takes my hand at the supermarket, gives me a few squeezes and a cuddle and asks me if I'm her man. Wow! I'm rolling in it. I'm massively reassured and then more everything is back to normal nonsense, the once a night question "Are you OK?" and then silence. The beautiful music of my children a sweet soundscape to not much at all.

Bloody oath I have high expectations, why wouldn't I?

Recon - what a concept.


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

As far as my opinion of a false R. 

"i'm over it" just doesn't have that endearing, loving quality of I thought about it and over reacted, lets see if we can work on it feel to it.

This is more of a I want to be able to say I gave it my best effort but it just didn't work out feel. I wont have any regrets as I gave it my best effort.

I'm not saying the marriage is saved or even over, but this isn't it, its gonna take some time and effort, and a LOT of patience.

I'd start with some 180 work and see where it gets you, a lot of people think the 180 are rules to live by, but in reality its doing things the opposite of what you would have done in the past. She sounds like she needs some fun and excitement in her life. She's not only telling you that, she's showing you that. If you don't supply her needs, she's gonna get them elsewhere.

Theres things you can do that sound like they would be 180's, without more information anyways. 

1. get a sitter and take her out dancing, don't take care of the kids take care of your wifes needs too.

2. don't be upset she's on the phone, do things for her that she will have FEWER reasons to have to get on the phone in the first place.

3. She's telling you whats wrong, do you hear her? LISTEN and validate her concerns, address them if you can. Throw a "I'm sorry you feel that way, what can we do to work on that" comment out there. let her know your hearing what she's saying.

4. Some of your actions can come of as control, you both need lives away from each other, its perfectly healthy, but you also need lives together. Wouldn't it be nice if on your own nights out, when you got home you are happy to see each other? When was the last time that happened?

5. You need to seriously look at yourself, are there issues in the marriage, of course, but guess what, those problems are still half your fault. Own up, fix yourself, and your issues. Make some changes in your life.

6. Are you in a hurry to end your marriage? why push it then? If it happens it happens, but don't rush it out the door. Do you really think your going to walk away from 17 years and two children and be fine with just letting her go? 

7. I know many disagree with me on this, but if there is someone else again, a man that has a "way with women". Don't bring it up again, the cheating thing, you'll push her further away, underground even. Work on yourself, and make yourself the better option, make yourself the "man your wife is gonna be crazy to walk away from"

8. Your marriage is in a rut, fix that! Don't go for the same old routine, do some different things with her and her only. Take a dance class together, or a cooking class, find a sitter and get her out of town. Fix the routine/rut! or someone will be fixing it for you.

Don't let her just use this false R as a stepping stone to divorce, use it to fix yourself, your issues and your marriage. Give yourself a little mystery, join a gym, got out with friends, start or renew an old hobby. Right now your making it easy for her to walk away.

You don't need to use the LRT (last resort technique) yet, but you better get started on the work or you will soon. I wish you luck, I hope you find some resolve in what you need to do, and I hope you find some dedication that your problems are fixable and your marriage IS worth saving. Don't just walk away and have the regret that you took the easy path out.

PS You don't let tell her your doing any of the above, words are worthless, ACTIONS speak 10x louder. The words above are for your eyes, not your wifes.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Itsmeagain said:


> 2 years ago, my wife had gotten into a text affair. Fast forward,... The individual she was texting turned out to be a gay man..After I caught up with him, (didn't know he was gay)


He probably didn't know it either.



Itsmeagain said:


> His wife is a friend of my wife, so I don't have suspicions about the two of them.


Not following your logic here. Just because this guy's wife is friends with your wife, they couldn't have an affair?



Itsmeagain said:


> I'm 15 years older than her


Well that's a big problem on so many levels, one that you probably considered when you first got married?



Itsmeagain said:


> She says she doesn't want anybody telling her when she has to come home, when she has to hang up the phone, etc...
> let it fly!!


She doesn't want to be a mother and she doesn't want to be a wife, and you're enabling her behavior by picking up her slack.


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## Itsmeagain (Jul 18, 2013)

Hi All,

Read all the replies. Thank you.

I agree with every one of you. All valid points. Thanks again.

I've decided to let it play out on it's own. The experience 2 years ago was very traumatic for me. She dangled me like a rag doll, and had me in limbo for 6 months. I promised myself I would never succumb to that feeling again.

I chose to do a "simple 180". I removed myself from the environment a bit more than usual, and chose to put more responsibility on her, whether she likes it or not. Instead of her not looking forward to seeing me after work, I chose to "get a new hobby", by joining the gym, and letting her know that I won't be home when she gets home.
I made a complete break in the routine, and chose not to make the daily calls I would normally make (to discuss dinner plans, etc...)
Tomorrow, I made plans to take my children to the beach, and movies afterwards... without her. She questioned why I didn't invite her, I only mentioned that she's never home at that time, so I didn't bother to ask.

With regards to her decision to "get over it".. I addressed it as follows:

I sat her down, and told her I completely understand that maybe we have underlying issues. She agreed that she's bored with the marriage, but doesn't want to leave. I flat out told her, I didn't believe her, and she doesn't have to appease me for the sake of the children. I told her she didn't have to retract her excuses, and I wold go along with her.
I chose to let her know that as much as she's setting her rules of engagement, I would give her space, and anticipate that we end it in the near future. 
( I feel as if I'm the one pulling away) I can honestly say that I'm petrified at the pain she will put me through. I'm literally running out of fear.

*** There is just no way I chase my wife down the street** I cannot do this again.
If she wants her marriage, here I am. I'm sorry, but I still felt the sting when she mentioned outgrowing each other. If those feelings are there, there isn't much I can do to change it. I can only make the transition easy for myself and my children.

I acknowledge the very possibility that she's a WAW, with a false Recon.
All the signs are there.

SOOO... Do I try to entice her to stay, by showering her with love and affection? Apparently, she wants "space", so I ;m not too sure that'll work.

Do I do a 180?
Knowing her, that may be the best *answer* to her request to recon.

I don't believe a word she says. She's shown me the ability to look at me, kiss me, love me, and be a great "partner", while still not really here.

**With regards to the age difference:
Yes, I think this may be the actual cause of concern. 15 years ago, I was a real good looking guy for any woman at any age. I was fit, handsome, had it all.
The past few years have taken its toll on me. I've gained weight, naturally aged, lost a lot of hair, and can no longer do the things I was able to do.

I accept this as a valid reason for loss of interest.

What makes this worse, is that she's an ageless beauty. She hasn't aged at all. She was recently proofed for buying liquor. She's a head -turner, and I'm sure her ego is quite swollen from the attention.


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

I think you're doing all the right things given the circumstances. She may look at you as an authority figure (Daddy) and now resents you for being exactly what she needed at 21. She most likely depends on your stability, but isn't mature enough to acknowledge it. You married her before she fully matured and now she wants to experience the single life that she feels she missed. These are really big life cycle dynamics to overcome for anyone. When you called her bluff and calmly told her you were done she was shocked that you were serious and immediately reversed her direction. This is the proof that you need to reassure yourself that you're now doing the right thing. This is not over by a long shot. I would continue to systematically take her stability away and work on becoming more like your old self. If you're in shape you can still be attractive to other women even without hair. Don't ask how I know that :scratchhead:. The women you attract now may not be 15 years younger than you, but that might be a good thing. If you want this to work out you need to wait for her to come to you and express real love. Not desperation or fear. That may take a while as she has some maturing to do.

Peace


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## Itsmeagain (Jul 18, 2013)

Been a few days of my 180, and significant step backwards. Not sure if it'll get me anywhere, but it is getting her attention.

Yesterday, she called me an asked if I'd like to take a walk with the dog, after work. It's been many years since doing this, and if anything it raised a little suspicion.
Either a) She's looking to feel herself out a bit, or b) she knows she's no longer first on my agenda, and she's looking to put a little control.

I chose to compromise. I told her I had "things to do", and would be more than happy to meet afterwards. I made sure she fed my children (something she's been neglecting to do), and I met her about 8pm.
We walked on the beach, played fetch with the dog, and never discussed our relationship.

During the walk, she moved closer and held my arm. My insides had become a bit tense, because I wasn't too sure about her sincerity. I went along for the ride, and played nice. Afterwards, we sat on the boardwalk, then went home.
Watched some TV with the kids, and then retired for the night.

I normally leave for work after she leaves, but this morning, I decided to break the routine. I was gone before she walked out the door. She asked where I was going, I told her I was taking the dog for a walk on the beach, then maybe see if I could do a little bike riding in the trails. (the dog jogs along side with me). She seemed a bit curious about my sudden change of habit.

Tonight, we ate dinner together. 

I'm not dismissing the WAW theory. I believe that someone doesn't say what was said, without feeling something. I do believe she wants out.

I do think that maybe she's attempting to take me out of the 180, and render me more vulnerable, or perhaps she's decided that neither one of us has an "out", so she'd might as well play long.

your thoughts?


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

why do think its a step backward? she appears curious.


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