# Stress...I don't handle it well. Advice for me?



## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

I work full time and have a very stressful job. I take SSRI's for anxiety and a slew of stomach meds for poorly controlled IBS. 

Over the last 4 weeks I have been managing a project that has me working 12 hr days. I also have a 1.5 hr commute each way, which is not 7nusual for where I live. 

With the amount of stress I feel that my meds are either not working or I need to up the dosage by a lot or something. 

This affects my marriage because each night when I get home I am useless and spent. I shut down and dont have the energy to put effort into interacting much with my husband or my kids. I also suffer a lot from physical symptoms when my stress is high...severe IBS flares, migraine, panic attacks. I take meds to help me sleep because without them my mind races and I cant sleep. 

I have no sex drive when I feel this way. 

My husband is patient but I know he gets frustrated and cannot understand. He works full time too but not in management and I own that I have mental issues that seem to make me less capable of handling things that seem to come easily to others. 

I dont know what to do. Quitting isnt an option...I want to work and we need me to work to pay our bills. I find my job fulfilling despite that its stressful. But I am not even 30 and I wonder how much more my body can handle sometimes. I just seem to get so sick and it takes me a long time to recover each time. I feel like I have the body of a 70 year old sometimes. 

I do exercise and I am thin. I am on my feet all day at work. 

I dunno...any advice for me? If you are the spouse of someone like me, I would like to hear what you do and how you cope. I feel bad for my husband and kids because they get the worst of me,the leftovers but I feel physically incapable of handling anything else after work these days. 

My husband works a normal 40 hr week and has been doing the lions share of shuttling the kids around and most of the house work on weekdays. I cook dinner for the family 3very day as soon as I come hime and we sit together to eat, after that I am just brain dead and counting the hours till I can aleep. 

Maybe I need to reassess my meds? I do feel that they help...without them I couldn't function at all and was paralyzed with anxiety.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I used to be you and it got old. Climbed up the corporate ladder only to find it was making me sick. LOL

My answer was to change jobs. Same field just a less stressful company. I was 32-33 I think when I made the switch. It was kinda boring but at least I wasn't sick anymore. I eventually quit all together at 38 to raise my family.

This wasn't easy btw. It required some serious lifestyle changes and I had to pay off debt and stockpile cash beforehand.

Sorry that's all I've got.


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## Viseral (Feb 25, 2011)

You're only one person.

You can't "have it all" despite what society has taught you.

You can't have a high flying career, be a good mother, be a good wife, and take care of yourself. Something has to give.

Reduce your living expenses, change your job, focus on your family, and heal yourself.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

6 months after I quit that job friends told me I looked YEARS younger.


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## wife1981 (Jul 5, 2013)

My sister has this great job, makes more money than both of her older sisters. She travels, gets all the company gifts...last time I checked it was two free Ipads. Football games, baseball games, taking the customers out to dinner, drinking with them. She just came back from her second company cruise. You think she has the greatest job and life. Vegas going gambling with the customers, all expenses paid by the company. I get to see her once in a while when she isn't doing all of these things. She looks like hell, feels like hell, exhausted, stressed, unhappy in her relationship. I told her, money is not everything. There are other jobs out there that she can be successful in. She is scared and trying to build her resume. She is young, 26. She works hard, but has no life, no healthy relationship. Her own family doesn't even get to see her anymore. You have to do what is healthy for you and your family. Don't be afraid of change. I hope this helps.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

I think part of what is hardest in my marriage, is that I didnt seek out a career. I didnt seek management or glory or any of that. In every company I have ever worked, I have naturally risen through the ranks. I have had people tell me im a natural. Whatever that means. (A natural sucker..)

My husband went to school for nine years for his career. He has passion for what he does. He struggles to get recognized and get promotions. He has $300k in student loan debt to pay off. 

I got a bachelors because it was what was expected, I didnt desperately want it. I picked a major that I was only mildly interested in and gave college a "C" effort. 

And here I am, and here he is. And the higher I climb, the more of the "mom" role that falls on his shoulders. 

I have a ton of respect for SAHMs, but I dont want to be one. I want to work. I enjoy it. I need the mental stimulation of something that is mine apart drom being a mom or wife. Its just difficult finding balance. 

And I am so grateful for all the ways my husband helps and steps in when I cant. But there is resentment on his end, I can feel it. He enjoys my paycheck but resents how "effortlessly" I rose to where I am while he squanders around wanting what I have. 

He wants the glory and power and respect. I never cwred about any of that but I somehow have it. 

I am rambling. 

Right now unfortunately we are not in a position to quit or downgrade - at least in pay. We live simply and most of our money goes to paying down our debts. On top of the $300k student loan my husband came into our marriage five years ago with almost 50k in credit card debt. Add in two unplanned children and a sh!t economy. 

I appreciate the responses. It does help to know other people have btdt.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

kag123 said:


> I work full time and have a very stressful job. I take SSRI's for anxiety and a slew of stomach meds for poorly controlled IBS.
> 
> Over the last 4 weeks I have been managing a project that has me working 12 hr days. I also have a 1.5 hr commute each way, which is not 7nusual for where I live.
> 
> ...


I would definitely (been there myself) have your meds redone. SSRI's are not always the best meds for anxiety... they are a depression medication and mess with other hormones and chemicals in your brain... I take a something strictly for the anxiety and a lower dose SSRI... huge difference, I also suffer from anxiety attacks (don't know if you do) and have something I can take on the fly if need be.


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

You have my sympathy as I too suffered from stress for many years before I retired in my fifties. IBS etc.

You say you exercise, which is great. How often do you manage that? What form does it take?

Meditation and/or prayer can be helpful. Also deep breathing!

Nothing lasts forever, if that is any consolation. Looking for ways to lighten the load somehow would be a good idea. Changing employer, job location so you do not have to travel so much, finding a job where you can delegate to others might all help.

Studies suggest that going up the career ladder can reduce stress. They say CEOs suffer very little stress - they dump it on everyone else.

I would definitely plan to change your life before you reach 40.

Good luck!


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

kag123 said:


> I have a ton of respect for SAHMs, but I dont want to be one. I want to work. I enjoy it. I need the mental stimulation of something that is mine apart drom being a mom or wife. Its just difficult finding balance.
> 
> * * *
> 
> ...


You list two different issues here. One is that you need to work. The second is that you need to work this job due to debts.

So, what is your collective plan (you and your husband) to get out of debt? Do you have a budget? Plans for paying it off? A timeline?

If not, start on one. Working like you are with no end in sight can be demoralizing. So talk about how you can deal with the money issue and then discuss what job changes (for both of you) that you foresee as you get a better handle on things.

At some point, you need to figure out how to give something to you family and husband. If they keep getting nothing from you, there will be issues. Can you trade cooking for quality time with him?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

It's not surprising to me at all that your anxiety is so bad considering everything you have going on. The long commute and working 12 hour days have got to be a major stressor for you and stress = unhappiness. You'd have to be superwoman to go on like that every day and have energy for anything else.

The meds--can you see your doc to change them? If what they have given you isn't working, get something else.

The job/commute--can you find something closer to home with less working hours?

You can't keep going on like this unless you're made of teflon.


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

I have just watched the tail-end of a TV programme where a man changed his brain's behaviour significantly through just seven weeks of mindfulness meditation. He significantly reduced his anxiety levels and increased his positive thought patterns. The results were measured by examining the activity levels in different parts of his brain. It looked as though this was achieved by twenty minutes of meditation each day. Worth researching?


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

kag123 said:


> I think part of what is hardest in my marriage, is that I didnt seek out a career. I didnt seek management or glory or any of that. In every company I have ever worked, I have naturally risen through the ranks. I have had people tell me im a natural. Whatever that means. (A natural sucker..)
> 
> My husband went to school for nine years for his career. He has passion for what he does. He struggles to get recognized and get promotions. He has $300k in student loan debt to pay off.
> 
> ...




You are not a natural if you can't handle the stress that comes with additional responsibilities in a corp environment. Naturals thrive in those situations. I'm going to suggest that your moderately competent and an excellent faker in a world that is increasingly full of incompetents. Your college experience suggests that I'm correct. 

Your formula for life will end in a void. You must change the formula if you want a positive result. 

Peace


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

kag123 said:


> I work full time and have a very stressful job. I take SSRI's for anxiety and a slew of stomach meds for poorly controlled IBS.
> 
> Over the last 4 weeks I have been managing a project that has me working 12 hr days. I also have a 1.5 hr commute each way, which is not 7nusual for where I live.
> 
> ...



Really sorry you are going through this but I think you really need to have an honest financial discussion with your husband and either cutback or risk your body and mind literally collapsing under stress and diseases. 

Take the Dave Ramsey course and start making some cuts and try to chip away at that debt. 300K its just ridiculous. Get this debt taken care of as only death can clear you from it.


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