# Need help from the ladies....



## helpinATL (Dec 14, 2009)

So, here's the long story short version.

I'm married. A year ago almost I met a girl in Vegas and we hooked up, she initiated it, I didn't. Long story short, my wife somewhat left me and moved back with her mother. She didn't know about the relationship but knew something was up. After months of fighting, and me cheating on her, she ended up leaving me somewhat. I have two kids with her. I haven't filed for divorce, and neither has she. I live 800 miles away, and she lives with her mother but our intent was to fix our marriage and I don't think it will work, nor do I know if I love her. I live alone in an Apt, she went wit the kids to her mothers. Its been this way for like 5 months. 

A year later, I am still with this girl I've been seeing that I met in Vegas. She loves me she tells me. I never "thought" about love because of my current situation, but she pretty much lives with me. She DID know I was married, but was unaware of my situation in respects to weather I was getting a divorce or not. We kinda left my issue of being married as a no-topic when it came to discussions. 

Then, the other night out of nowhere, she found naked pictures of my wife taken a LONG time ago. I'm talking years. And, of course she freaked out. We got in a fight, and she hit me. Now, I don't play that game (the hitting thing.) I also don't play the "snooping" game. Come to find out, I bought a new computer, and restored the new computer off a old computers image stored on a external drive. I sync'd my iPhone, and didn't even know they were there. After an hour fight, she left. Actually, I was so pissed I told her to get out and never come back. 

Well, she somehow got my password to unlock my phone, and found the pics on my iPhone. I honestly didn't know they were even there. What upset me is that she was snooping through my stuff. 

This was all about 4 days ago. After a couple text messages, we said the "goodbye, wish you luck, and never call or contact me again." 

Tonight I sit here, thinking I actually do love her, and I don't know what to do. I sent her a "are you ok" text message, and no response. Really, I don't know what to do. Half of me wants to go to her house, the other half thinks I'm better off letting her go and hopefully she can be happy.


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## noki (Dec 14, 2009)

It sounds like the Vegas girl is a little flighty, although it is easy to see why she would be snooping- she believes you're a cheater. (Almost divorced is not divorced, and she knows it!) I don't think it would be hard at all for you to get her back if you are interested, it seems like you hold the reigns in that relationship. A sweet gesture or two to show your sincerity would probably do it. But after all you have been through lately, maybe you should just take a break from women for a little while. It will give you a chance to clear your head.


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## helpinATL (Dec 14, 2009)

noki said:


> It sounds like the Vegas girl is a little flighty, although it is easy to see why she would be snooping- she believes you're a cheater. (Almost divorced is not divorced, and she knows it!) I don't think it would be hard at all for you to get her back if you are interested, it seems like you hold the reigns in that relationship. A sweet gesture or two to show your sincerity would probably do it. But after all you have been through lately, maybe you should just take a break from women for a little while. It will give you a chance to clear your head.


My problem is that I think I love her, but I don't know. I know she loves me, she told me a few weeks ago, and I stuttered with no response, not because I do or don't but because I'm still married and have thought through the relationship.

This has been somewhat a fantasy, however she didn't live with me in respects to her stuff being at my place. More like she had her own place, but spent every night, and i mean every night at my place. Granted, she knew I was married the first time I met her. We have been together for almost 11 months, 5 of which she pretty much lived with me. We get along great (can't say that for me and the wife.) I think the reason I didn't file for divorce is because of the kids. Today I sit here, alone, wondering what mistakes I made. I knew I was unhappy with my marriage, and its been that way for years. "Cheating" was bound to happen.

My problem is that I was actually happy with this girl. She went out of her way the last 11 months to make me happy, and I literally can see myself with her for the rest of my life. I have no complaints in our relationship.

The not getting divorced part is my fault. My wife lives 800 miles away, and its been that way for 5 months. I think I'm scared that I will lose my kids and that is why I didn't act on getting a divorced, and at the same time my wife wants to get back together. She wants to move back and be with me, and other than the kids, I don't know if I want to ever be with her again. 

I truly don't know what I should be doing. My problem is that instead of thinking about my wife, I'm only thinking about this girl, and my kids. That's why I'm wondering what I should do. I'm in complete agony of this girl, and I kinda wrote off my marriage a long time ago.

And about her knowing I'm married and still messing with me, I honestly can't blame her solely as I never stopped it, and that's because I was miserable from my marriage.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

So get a divorce and tell her you're doing it. Tell her you'll get in touch with her once it is final.

UNLESS her physically striking you is a routine for her. Then stay away from her.


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## helpinATL (Dec 14, 2009)

michzz said:


> So get a divorce and tell her you're doing it. Tell her you'll get in touch with her once it is final.
> 
> UNLESS her physically striking you is a routine for her. Then stay away from her.


Not that easy. First, divorce in this state, with kids takes forever (up to a year easily, there is a mandatory 6 month cool off period before you even see a judge.)

And I'm also wondering if her non-response to my text messages is a "get a clue don't ever call me again" or if its a way for her to make a "power move" over what our relationship was. SHE said she loved me. It could be that she doesn't know what love actually means, or it could be that she wants nothing to do with me. I don't know if I should just leave her alone, or if I should keep trying to reach out to her and see if we can resolve the issues.

If the hitting thing is routine, then I definitely want nothing to do with her. Keep in mind though, she did find naked pictures of my wife on my phone. Granted, not intentional on my part, but she did see them anyways. I'm sure that hurt quite a bit, and emotional reaction is one thing, however I don't agree with hitting as I would never hit her. I"m just not that way.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

if there is a true connection a year will hardly matter.

Just lay out a time line wiht her and stick to it.

Why keep her dangling with no end in sight?


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## helpinATL (Dec 14, 2009)

And if she "moves on?" What then? I don't know if "I love you" from her actually means that, or if she knows what it even means. Who knows. I was somewhat worried at one point that THIS would happen (minus the naked pics that caused the break up.) 

Funny thing is, I do believe in fate. We met in Vegas, and happen to live in the exact same city. At the same time, thinking of her messing around with other guys in the future makes me sick. At the same time, I do want her to be happy so I'm debating if this is it, and its time to walk away.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

OK, thinking it is a magical thing to hook up with someone in VEGAS, to me, is kind of funny.

If you truly have a connection with this woman then you have to rid yourself of the baggage holding you back. And even if she doesn't wait for you you still need to finalize your divorce.

Don't think of the failed marriage as your ace card in the back pocket in case your big bet doesn't pay off.

Sometimes what happens in Vegas really does stay in Vegas.


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## scarletblue (May 20, 2009)

These are two separate issues. 

First of all, file for the divorce. You're done with your wife and you both need to move on.

Secondly, if this gal loves you, then it's probably not over. If you're not sure if you love her, or are just infatuated with her, then take it slow.


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