# Is it really necessary?



## Pikita (Mar 30, 2010)

Ok, I don't really believe I'm in crisis but just today I felt just bad about my relationship and not really bad, but sort of bad for myself, my husband and I are high school sweethearts and I really really love him, and I know you can't really change a person and (I think) I can live with that, but somehow every time we've been trough some kind of trouble he shows me so much interest, love and I guess you can say love.

We've been together for almost 13 years this June but 4 of marriage, we have been traveling a lot because of his job and I love that part since it is always nice to know a lot of places and to really experience them, I haven't had a chance to work on my area which is graphic design so I turned into crafting and some knitting and crochet which I found out to be something that I really like as well, I know we will settle soon and I know some times someone has to put their life on hold to support the other and I don't mind doing that right now, and he has even thanked me for that, he says he likes me going up and down with him, and that is nice and I guess that is what I need.

I can't really complain about my Husband, he works hard and he has always been there for me, my confusion really is the details he can have (or doesn't really) towards me, I know as a girl we some times hide what we feel or want but I tried to say it really often, so for my birthday a couple of weeks ago i simply asked for more "love" as in hugs, kisses, and all that silly things... and I didn't get any "love" just a hug and some kisses but I sort of want that kind of "love" constantly through out the day, I can count how many kisses I get a day and I don't really like that

I really am trying hard to be a good housewife, I don't like cooking and I really try, I don't like doing house chores and I really try, I don't complain abut him playing video games I even like watching him enjoy playing, I haven't worked in a long time but I don't complain all I want is some "love" demonstration even in public, he is shy about it I guess but I need that, I want that and I don't really know how other way to say so he can do that and understand how important that is to me

I think this is more of a confession, is it really that bad that I really want to quit on us just because I don't get the "love" I want? and at the same time I'm scared that I'm feeling this way after all we've been through together, he's been my life for half of my life! so I need some advice please.


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## marcy* (Feb 27, 2010)

Some men are like that; a little shy.
He loves you, and love doesn't mean only giving kisses all day. There are to many other ways to show love. You have been together for a long time, and of course your love has gone at upper stage I would say. Maybe you are more romantic person than he is, but that doesn't mean that you love him more than he loves you.
Be thankful for what you have. He loves you, and appreciates you, even though he doesn't shows it the way you want it. Let him now. Maybe he doesn't know that you still after these years need to be kissed all day, in order to feel loved.


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## gfc777 (Mar 22, 2010)

Yet anotherone... Here's a copy of my response to another wife.



gfc777 said:


> Hmmm... I wonder if this is what my wife was thinking prior to deciding to leave.
> 
> My wife had told me on more than one occasion that she was upset with some of the things I did but we never really explored much of why she didnt like it. I just toned down those activities a bit and we kept on rolling on with our happy lives... Our lives were looking up, we had A LOT to look forward to. I was as happy as can be.
> 
> ...



Bottom line - Make him AWARE of your feelings and that you're considering leaving him! For both of your sakes.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

While I sympathize with gfc777, I have to say that even "making him aware" may not be enough--even gfc says he just kind of blew off her complaints ("just toned down"). I even told my husband that I was not his mother and I would NOT scream or yell about things--he either cared enough and respected me enough to make changes, or he didn't. I, frankly, did not want to be with someone who needed the relationship more than he loved me--and the sudden "fear" men display about losing the relationship does not feel like love to us women. It feels like the clinginess of needy child and pushes us away rather than draws us to them.


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## Pikita (Mar 30, 2010)

Thank you so much for your replies, they really help me a lot and I might understand both gfc777 and sisters359 points and I will try to talk to him about it.

I don't want to look like a child asking for all the cheesy love stuff, and its not the fairytale what I'd like either, I know its not good to compare yourselves to others specially since most of the times the personalities are different but I can't really help when I see other people our age that have been married for almost or sometimes more time than ours and do display their love in public, in a lovely kind of way not anything that will make you tell them to get a room... but at the same time they haven't known each other as much as my husband and I, 13 years is a lot and I can't complain about that, I just don't know if it meas their love is younger than ours?

I can only compare ourselves to what I'd like and I look at my parents and I see my dad leaving cute post it notes on the bathroom mirror for my mom to find and I like those little things and they have been together for 30 years! I think I'd like that.

I really hope talking to him will help and I really do appreciate your comments, they help, thanks again Deb for making me talk to him about it one more time, and thanks to all for your comments


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## gfc777 (Mar 22, 2010)

Sisters359, interesting analogy with the “needy child” thing. I’ve been considering this within myself for the past couple of weeks. I love my wife a lot! This I know. But the need/want for a relationship thing is something that I’m openly exploring.

I agree that “making him aware” might not be enough but after 13 years of being together (including 4 years of marriage) this is the least a spouse can do. I’m certain everyone here will agree, marriage requires work from BOTH husband and wife. If the husband is faltering, wife should at least make him aware and be open to working through/exploring the struggle (works both ways). If after putting effort into the marriage TOGETHER you still feel like you need separation, then that’s what you do. Not the other way around (again, just my opinion). Also, please know that it’s never a waste of time working on your marriage, I guarantee you’ll come out a better person for it, with or without him.

For a different perspective, think about what you said to your husband through your wedding vows. What does that mean to you and are you willing to do those things – not with guilt, with love. Don’t even think about if he’s willing to do those for you right now, this will become clear as you work on it.
Here’s part of a common “wedding vow” (yours may not have had this but I’m sure there was something similar...)

“I take you to be my lawfully wedded [husband/wife]. Before these witnesses I vow to love you and care for you as long as we both shall live. I take you, with all of your faults and strengths, as I offer myself to you with my faults and strengths. I will help you when you need help, and will turn to you when I need help. I choose you as the person with whom I will spend my life."

This was always clear to me at the time of marriage and I believe it’s the responsibility of the spouse to help the marriage when she/he sees a problem. In my opinion, running away does not help the marriage. If it did the highlighted line should read “I will NOT help you when you need help, and instead will drop you like a sack of potatoes and move on with my life because I’ve had a change in heart” . (sorry, I might be venting a little bit 

Anyways, good luck with talking to your husband. If you ultimately decide to leave the marriage at least you’ll have no regrets that you didn’t try.


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