# Why can't I hate him??



## Blonddeee (Dec 17, 2008)

I put up with his drinking, lies, and porn addictions for 6 years, we were married for 3 years and I finally got to the point that I knew I needed to move on and find someone that is ready to take on adult responsibilities. I finally filed after him not coming home one weekend with him out drinking, i got a text that he wouldn't be home and that was it. We don't have kids- thank goodness, I can't imagine how much worse this would be if we did. It's been a couple months and our court date is the end of June. We have been civil in person, when I filed I told him all i wanted was half the debt... which he has...tv...stuff in the house. I thought i was being fair and nice- well last week he went and filed a counter petition against me and he's asking for spousal maintenance- temp and permanent... he makes twice as much as i do so i know it's not going to happen, but I gave him everything, he also wants me to pay his legal bills, and give him all the keys to the house even though he wants to leave the loan in my name instead of refinancing the house.He has most of the stuff in it. I'm starting to get really angry becuase I put up with all his lies over the last 6 years and I'm still trying to be nice... I need to stop being nice- he's trying to screw me- having me take all the debt and support him... I just don't get it... I want to hate him, but I can still remember good things about him and feel bad about hating him... this sucks... i can't wait till this is over. I know from the way he's acting that I made the best decision ever by leaving... he's not the man i thought he was.


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

With no kids involved, you will both be complete strangers in a few months. He will move on to someone else and you will. Toughen up and get what is your's. You will regret it if you don't.


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## Sensitive (Mar 29, 2009)

Go ahead, and hate him. It sounds like he is taking advantage of you. Don't back down.


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

Like martino said, in a few months you 2 will be strangers.

Have your lawyer play hardball and get as much as you can. File for spousal support yourself and go after everything you want, not just "half".


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

Yes Blondee, take out the emotions and get what's your's. Like a business transaction.


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## Blonddeee (Dec 17, 2008)

Thank you- He's not going to walk all over me anymore... I'm going to be mean!!! Grrrr. I cried the week I filed and I haven't since... so i'm getting stronger. Thanks for the support!


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

I think maybe why you have not come to hate him yet is just a matter of time. Sooner or later there is that straw that breaks the camels back and that camel may have a very strong back, but sooner or later, it will break.

Maybe your just very strong... which could be a bad thing as
the straws will get more like tree logs over time.


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

Because of no kids, all Blondee needs to worry about is an agressive lawyer for her half.


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## 1nurse (Jan 21, 2009)

Hey there,

I know how you feel. My soon to be ex and I share no children either. When we first split up last October/08, I was very sad, depressed and upset. I still do feel that way sometimes but now it's like good riddance loser! With no children involved it's easier to make a clean break. I also don't know how people who share kids after a split are civil. Life will get better. There's always tomorrow. At least we have our health and our morals. Not everyone does. Be good to yourself and you stand by your convictions. Get what is coming to you!! :smthumbup:


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## Blonddeee (Dec 17, 2008)

I'm just going to let the courts decide what is fair... he should have just taken my first offer because I was giving him a nice deal, but oh well... 
This is an ad he posted for a roommate on craigslist- It made me laugh and very glad I don't live there anymore... 

I am a young professional that is seeking like minded individuals (male or female) to rent out one or two rooms in my large house. I have plenty of storage room for extra furniture and a two car garage that will be first come first serve. The monthly rent will be $600 which includes all utilities, internet, and cable. I dont allow pets so dont bother asking. You will be responsible for cleaning up after yourself and your guests, I am not your maid. Interested applicants can send me an e-mail for more information; however, if you cannot meet at a neutral location near Olathe or Overland Park area to discuss the lease terms and to put my mind at ease that you are a real person and not a scam artist, then dont bother even replying because that will be the first question I ask. I am a pretty easy going guy that has a steady job, Im just looking for a way to reduce my expenses.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

so I take it he's going to rent out rooms based on his gut feelings and not pay to do credit and background checks?
haha
he should watch that old movie: single white female.


lol


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## Blonddeee (Dec 17, 2008)

I was also thinking that maybe someone that is interested in renting would... I don't know... maybe want to see the house... before they go over a "lease". Trust me... I'd never call him a maid... he needs one though


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## 1nurse (Jan 21, 2009)

I think the ad says it all. :lol:


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## Freckles (May 14, 2009)

I know it's hard to let go of something that meant so much for so long. You wouldn't have put up with him for so long if you didn't love him that much. So it's only natural for you to have a soft spot for him in your heart now. Your use to him not being considerate - so the fact that he's doing it now isn't much different from how you lived your life with him. 

But if you are going to make a stand and divorce him - you need to hold onto that mentality and continue forth as strong as you can be. 

Don't give in to him now. It won't make things better. You will have regrets and you can't go back once things are in writing!

Get yourself a good Lawyer it will be sooo worth it and that lawyer will not let you get railroaded!


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## Blonddeee (Dec 17, 2008)

*UPDATE* I hate him... I can't stand him and if he thinks I'm going to be nice now he's got another thing coming. He filed and seperation of property thing and he thinks I'm going to let him take me off the title on the house and stay on the mortgage...I've been gone for 2 months and he's already had the gas turned off because he didn't pay the bill... so staying on the mortgage isn't really going to work for me and after the other thing he filed against me I'm going to ask for 1/2 of everything ie. the big new flat screen tv... it's only fair and I don't feel like being nice anymore. I feel kinda impowered hating him, I'm not going to waste much time with this hate because he isn't worth my energy, but it sure is helping me get through this.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

I love how you said, "he is not the person I thought he was." Seems obvious now, doesn't it? But SO many of us make the mistake of believing what we want to believe, rather than the reality before our eyes! Don't feel bad about it, just learn from it. Look at how the men you meet treat others, what they do in situations that require judgment calls or ethical decisions (does he return money if a store clerk gives him too much change?). At least you will know what is what and will get a chance to see the imperfections and help you stay grounded. You can love someone who is not perfect, but you cannot perfect someone you love.


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## YoungMilitarySpouse (Apr 9, 2009)

Girl, seriously. Dont let yourself get screwed over. If he makes more than you youre not giving him spousal support. Im not saying be rude or a gold digger by any means, just split it evenly you deserve it. 
You cant hate him because youre a good person and it sucks that he is a douche. When youre a good and caring person you just want to accept all the damage someone does to you to the point where you even blame yourself for things or think its your fault or you can still fix it or change him or any excuse you make up. I know this because Im the same way and its wrong. Try to step back and see the situation from an outside view. Or sit down and talk to someone. I know a lot of times I accept thing or convince myself to think a certain way but then I talk to someone for two second and I dont even try to bash him but I find myself trying to make excuses for him or something and he sounds so wrong and that says something


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## outinthecold (Apr 30, 2009)

Hate is a strong emotion, there is a thin line between hate and love between a man and a woman. 

You need to head for ambivalence. 

Feel nothing for him. Give no ammunition.

Anger is also an emotion derived from other feelings. You can't be angry at someone who you have no feelings for.

Do some birds eye examination of him. See him for who he really is, leave your feelings for him down below.

See the bully he is, see the masochist he has become. He is no longer the person you married.

Remember marriage is the cause of divorce and every marriage will eventually lead to divorce.

I say this only because it takes two to tango, it takes two to make a life, it takes two to keep it going, most people can't make it forever so they drop off, drop out.

It's no one's fault, it's everybody's fault

You will find love, you find the forever person, you just have to get rid of your dead weight right now.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Yeah, what he said.


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## Blonddeee (Dec 17, 2008)

Thank you all for your responses  I am trying to take this as a learning experience and I know now that I'm not going to settle next time, I want someone that's honest, doesn't play video games for hours everyday, would rather be intimate with me then watch porn, isn't a douch bag... I could go on, but thanks for the words of encouragement that I will find love again... it means a lot. I love this site because it helps me see what other people are going through and how they handle things and I'm not alone. Ok... I have a question... it's been a year and a half since i've had ummm sex, so do you think it'd be ok to just have that without a relationship (just to get it out of my system), I've never been that way, but do you think it would help to have a rebound or should I just wait till I meet someone nice and date them for a little bit...


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## recent_cloud (Apr 18, 2009)

i remember when i was where you are now.

i remember wondering what sex would be like with another woman after being monogamous for so long.

i wondered who it would be with, how long before it happened, how i would feel.

and then i met a woman.

and i learned when i'm thirsty i still know how to get a drink of water.

so it's ok to walk in the desert for a while. 

don't change who you are or try to be what you're not.


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

ooohhh recent... that's like all philosophic and such.

Blonddeee... Use the hate as a tool and not a crutch, then you should be fine. Plus it's easier to let it go when you don't need it any more


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## recent_cloud (Apr 18, 2009)

you texas women are tough, snix11. 

my words seem more 'and such' than 'philosophic' 
to me.

but that's probably because i've been walking in the desert a little too long now.


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## Blonddeee (Dec 17, 2008)

I agree...I don't want to change my values, I suppose I just need to go get a new battery operated "friend"...I like water...not a big fan of deserts... wish I lived on a boat  hee hee


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## recent_cloud (Apr 18, 2009)

Blonddeee said:


> I agree...I don't want to change my values, I suppose I just need to go get a new battery operated "friend"...I like water...not a big fan of deserts... wish I lived on a boat  hee hee



you'll be glad you made that choice, no doubt.

as i said, i've been where you are and am back there again, but this time i know who i am.

luquillo beach in puerto rico is my favorite beach, but i also like the desert. i knew some people in las vegas a few years ago and they flew me out there a couple of times a year for business/friendship. it was a wonderful experience.


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## scarletblue (May 20, 2009)

OK, I need you to listen to this. When I was getting divorced, I tried to be nice to make it as easy as possible for him. He pretty much did the same thing to me as your ex is doing to you, but add kids to the mix and a flase report to CPS (they declared it unfounded by the way). I was soooooo mad!!!!! Look what I get for being nice.

The deal is though: you can't let it get to you. Judges will appreciate you if you are mature and overlook all the other person's crap. Infuriating and unfair as it is, lol. You need to be reasonable, and mature which in the long run will make him loose all credibility with the judge. Ask for what is fair. Explain that if he wants the house, that you do not want your name on the loan because of credit issues. Nobody gets everything they want in a divorce.

My best advice to you, do not play his game, or stoop to his level. It could easily backfire. Be true to yourself. Be pissed, vent, etc......divorce judges have seen and heard everything, they can spot an idiot a mile away. Explain your side and your reasoning and let your ex make an ass out of himself. It will work out.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

And don't forget to stock up on batteries.


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## Blonddeee (Dec 17, 2008)

Recent cloud- I was using your metaphor regarding the desert... I actaully don't have anything against them  Vegas sounds like fun... I'm going to need a vacation. 

Scarlet- thanks for your advice... I know you are right. I would like to get through this with my dignity intact and he's doing a fine job of being an idiot so hopefully the judge will see that too, I mean I gave him a lot and I'm asking for very little and he still put in there that he's "supported" by me... he's just feeling sorry for himself i suppose. Court in June 25th, I will update everyone on what happens. 

dcrim- I'm going to make a run to costco and buy them in bulk


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## Icee (Mar 31, 2009)

Blonddeee be fearless, you already gave up the one thing holding you back (this jerk). Maintain dignity and be ruthless, there is no love in front of you only a business transaction which is the last step before you are truly free to having anything/everything you want.


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## recent_cloud (Apr 18, 2009)

Blonddeee said:


> Recent cloud- I was using your metaphor regarding the desert... I actaully don't have anything against them  Vegas sounds like fun... I'm going to need a vacation.


then allow me to change my response: vegas was fun, but the desert sux. now, living on a boat....very nice.

when your ordeal is over you'll be glad you started from a position of kindness.

but mymy your husband must be a piece of work because he propelled you from 'why can't i hate him' to 'does anybody know how to hire a hit man' in record time.


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## Blonddeee (Dec 17, 2008)

I have been on a few dates and all of them have been taller and bigger then my ex... hee hee... not that I need anyone to beat him up, but it's nice to know they could. Shoot... he did put in the counter petition that I'm not allowed to cause him bodily harm... wuss... I used to pinch his nipples, but that's as violent as I got


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Blonddeee said:


> dcrim- I'm going to make a run to costco and buy them in bulk


I miss that store! I lived a 5 minute drive from one in MD. Did 90% of my shopping there. 

Where I'm at now, nearest is a 3 hour drive. 

But we do have a Sam's club here. Just haven't been able to afford shopping there just yet. But soon...


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## Blonddeee (Dec 17, 2008)

Well dcrim... you have one with a cord... you'll be ok  
I added a album to my profile titled "the past" I really have no emotions looking at those pictures... so that's a good sign... what are you supposed to do with wedding pictures?


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## recent_cloud (Apr 18, 2009)

save the wedding photos. put them in storage, in a closet.

just don't throw them out, because that's like throwing out a part of your life, part of who you are.

your marriage certainly was not all bad, and i'm sure you made a beautiful bride (as all women do) and i'm sure your ex looks dashing (as we all try to look) and i'm sure it was a wondeerful day (except for that one faux pas).


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## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

Blondeeee....you're in OP/Olathe right? Guess what? I'm right up the road from you in Mission. Guess what else? We have the exact same court date w/my H is....25th of June....so know when you're there that there's someone else on this board going through the same thing with ya same date, same time, and presumably we'll be in the same court house...good old JoCo. I have yet to reach the hate stage. I'm still in the I can't understand why this is happening stage but our situations I think although similar differ too.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

....but mymy your husband must be a piece of work because he propelled you from 'why can't i hate him' to 'does anybody know how to hire a hit man' in record time.[/QUOTE]

OMG this is sooo funny! LOL:lol:


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## Blonddeee (Dec 17, 2008)

Oh wow  My old house...sniff sniff... was in Olathe. Is your judge James Vano?? I looked him up... couldn't really find anything...lol. Well I will see you at court... I wish you the best!! Let's hope it's not too painful... we'll get through this.


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## outinthecold (Apr 30, 2009)

How about just a few paper cuts, then throw salt on them.


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## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

Blonddeee said:


> Well dcrim... you have one with a cord... you'll be ok
> I added a album to my profile titled "the past" I really have no emotions looking at those pictures... so that's a good sign... what are you supposed to do with wedding pictures?


Speaking of wedding pics (I don't have formal ones because we JOP'd it because the H was going into the service at the time) and after that never had a formal ceremony.

Anyway...my question is what do you do w/the jewelry? I am no where near being able to let my rings go. Don't know if I'll ever get to that point. BUT if I do how do I go about getting what its worth out of it? My band is .5 c white gold w/channel set princess cut diamonds and my engagement ring is 1.5c w/past present future princess cuts and 4 channel set princess cuts on each side. My god I love my ring it's abosolutely everything I wanted. I can't bear to part w/it now not only because it's a gorgeous set but also it holds so much love and memories of my H and I and the good times when we BOTH were in love. Ugh!


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## Blonddeee (Dec 17, 2008)

I've taken my ring to one jewelry store and they didn't offer me much, I personally don't like looking at my ring anymore so I just want to trade it in for something I will wear. But you are going through a tough time right now, so you should just put them in a box until you feel you are ready to do something with them... don't do anything now, wait till you feel ready. You could always get the stones remounted into another ring or necklace... but just take your time, you will get through this and it will get better  You will always have your memories, keep the good ones and get rid of the bad ones


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

how about make it ino a necklace for your mother? My wife found a 1K Diamond on the ground, worth a couple of grand, we placed it on a necklace and gave it to her mother to have, the only condition was when she died, she willed it over to our daughter.

Maybe you can do the same make a nice necklace for your mother and have her give it to your daughter when you have one in the future.

OR even give it to charity, do something good with it. :smthumbup:

congrats on the "toy" purchase


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Blonddeee said:


> ...
> I added a album to my profile titled "the past" ...


Who's that GORGEOUS chick in the middle?!? You?!? Wow! Dang fool is your H!


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## Blonddeee (Dec 17, 2008)

Thank you!!! I think he's a fool too...life goes on and I don't have to deal with him anymore- yay  15 days until court... and it will be all over. 
GA- I like your ideas of what to do with the ring... thanks


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

Blonddeee said:


> Thank you!!! I think he's a fool too...life goes on and I don't have to deal with him anymore- yay  15 days until court... and it will be all over.
> GA- I like your ideas of what to do with the ring... thanks


Rings can be altered to be a cool pendant... or chopped up to make some earrings, depending on the design...

it can be very refreshing emotionally to rework them into something else.
I've done it.... and it felt good.
I also had a tattoo redone into something new and fresh...
to symbolize a new beginning in my life. I ended up going from controlling selfish jerk to a really great guy.
Dream it, believe it and go for it !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

not the tattoo?? The cardinal rule is to NEVER EVER put someone's name on your body! 

I have our last name and family crest from Ireland. 

It's a "cover all" for my wife and children 

So when my wife says, how come you won't tattoo my name on your body?" I reply" I do have it, your last name!"  hehe


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

GAsoccerman said:


> not the tattoo?? The cardinal rule is to NEVER EVER put someone's name on your body!
> 
> I have our last name and family crest from Ireland.
> 
> ...


As far as my tats... I have never had a name.
I have had some coverups and I like them very much:smthumbup:


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

I wanted to do a sexy one of my wife in a naughty school girl outfit with horns and a devilish tail and a naughty look.....she vetoed the idea... 

Would love to have it though


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## Blonddeee (Dec 17, 2008)

I agree with the never getting a tattoo of a name... a long time ago I dated a guy that had his ex-girlfriends name on his chest... right over his heart- gag  She told him that she was going to do the same for him, but never did...


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## outinthecold (Apr 30, 2009)

Have you read the book, "The Giving Tree" I'm getting a tattoo of the art from that book.

So many times I feel like the stump but from now on I'm going to be the mighty tree with four little girls catching apples in front of it.


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## Veronica Jackson (Jul 2, 2008)

Blonddeee said:


> I put up with his drinking, lies, and porn addictions for 6 years, we were married for 3 years and I finally got to the point that I knew I needed to move on and find someone that is ready to take on adult responsibilities. I finally filed after him not coming home one weekend with him out drinking, i got a text that he wouldn't be home and that was it. We don't have kids- thank goodness, I can't imagine how much worse this would be if we did. It's been a couple months and our court date is the end of June. We have been civil in person, when I filed I told him all i wanted was half the debt... which he has...tv...stuff in the house. I thought i was being fair and nice- well last week he went and filed a counter petition against me and he's asking for spousal maintenance- temp and permanent... he makes twice as much as i do so i know it's not going to happen, but I gave him everything, he also wants me to pay his legal bills, and give him all the keys to the house even though he wants to leave the loan in my name instead of refinancing the house.He has most of the stuff in it. I'm starting to get really angry becuase I put up with all his lies over the last 6 years and I'm still trying to be nice... I need to stop being nice- he's trying to screw me- having me take all the debt and support him... I just don't get it... I want to hate him, but I can still remember good things about him and feel bad about hating him... this sucks... i can't wait till this is over. I know from the way he's acting that I made the best decision ever by leaving... he's not the man i thought he was.


Stop thinking about the good things and start focusing on the bad ones. I had to quickly fall out of love as my rude husband ended our marriage on May 20, 2009!

Believe me when I say that I am the expert in faling out of love extremely fast. I took inventory of the negative things that made me frustrated, angry or sad. You are at war girl and its time you get your RPG's out. Do not give in to any of his wishes and grow a set of balls. Time to replace those good memories with the bad ones. Start thingking more about his alcohol abuse,the lies and what he does wen he don't come home.


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## outinthecold (Apr 30, 2009)

Focusing on the negative will only make you negative. 

Blonddeee, you have been a great help to me with my problem.

Let me say, follow your own quote

"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you learn to appreciate them when they're right. You believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself...and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together"

Focus on your future, visualize your future, work towards your future.

Be positive
Love yourself, How To Love Yourself In 17 Ways | Attraction Mind Map
You have your whole life ahead of you.

As Doctor Phil says, "You will remember this as something you did once, nothing else"


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## Blonddeee (Dec 17, 2008)

Thank you for the words of wisdom  I've been really happy lately... its weird because I didn't think I would feel this happy after leaving, maybe it's because he's being such an idiot right now that it makes me know that I made the right decision, didn't waste anymore time with him and I'm free to move on now. I did go to my lawyer last week and I asked for half... of everything... he's not going to like that, but he doesn't deserve me being nice to him anymore... so I'm just going to take what the law says I can have. Court is next week- yay!!!


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## recent_cloud (Apr 18, 2009)

just remember:

our judicial system is an adversarial system for good reasons.

your attorney is your advocate. let your attorney do the job you hired your attorney to do and fight for whatever your attorney thinks is worth fighting for.

and the judge will decide in the end what's legal, and hopefully, what's legal will bear some resemblance to what's fair.

other than that, be thankful you never got a name stain.


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