# Wife able to climax in her past: never with me



## GavinM (Jan 13, 2014)

As the title describes I have an issue that I wish didn"t bother me but it does but I"m also far too embarrased about it to talk to anyone I know in person. 

Essentially, I'm aware that my wife was able to (repeatedly) reach orgasm in her past relationships (one relationship in particular). This is something that we've never been able to do together. I know this really shouldn't be that important and there are definitely far more imnportant things in a relationship but it still does cause me some concern. 

I know more than I probably should about my wife's past including some very specific details. I also know that this in prior relationship (before we were together) was flawed in many ways but that sex was definitely not one of them.] One thing I should state is that other than in the bedroom our relationship is pretty good. We have a very happy family and get along well as a couple. Or at least as well as most couples with a young family and after being togehter for a while. My wife is a great mom and very successful professionally. She's maybe a little more direct than I like and she's definitely 'set in her ways' and stuborn but Im sure if anyone was noting the areas I could improve the list would be long indeed. I consider myself very lucky to be married to her; she's a good partner, kind and respectful. 

Still our sex life, which was never great, has defintiely diminshed over time. Ive always known that she has never been able to get what she really wanted out of our sex life. She's never (directly) complained about this and she's always done her best to reasure me when I ask her if this or other shortcomings in the bedroom bother her but I know it does, at least to some extent. In terms of technique I have certainly always tried my best and there is definitely no lack of effort. Ive always been more than willing to provide oral sex for as long as she wants. However over the last number of years she has even lost interest in this and admitted that while she enjoys receiving oral sex she prefers it only breifly as a prelude to the 'real' act and not as end in itself. 

When I first met her I knew that sex was very important to her so the fact that she is frustrated is a big "trade-off" for her but its not like I would ever expect her to be unfaithful. Of course I know she still fatasizes about other men and masturbates regularily (althouhg always alone) but its not like i would ever be comfortable to intrude on this aspect of her life, especially when I know she's unsatisfied in bed. 

Im curious if anyone has every had a similar or related issue. How have your dealt with it and how did it turn out? 

Thanks


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Have you two ever candidly talked about sex - specifically what types of things that you could do that would really get her off? Why do you know about your wife's past in so much gory detail? Was it her that offered it up to you unsolicited, or was it something you dug for? I could understand if it was you that did the digging, but if she is the one that broached it with you then I see this as pretty disrespectful. 

From your OP, I'm guessing you feel that she is above your station - that you married up and she married down. It's not a good vibe to have. I hope you don't project the feeling of inferiority to your wife. Overtime, if you keep coming across as unworthy, she'll start to think of you as unworthy. 

Communication seems like it would be key here - not about past lovers but about what types of things you can do to become a better lover for her.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening GavinM
TALK TO HER. Seriously, find out what she wants / likes. Everyone is different, there is no way you can know without her telling you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How often does she go solo? Could it be that she's taking care of her own needs?


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Age, body changes, and health can change things for both genders.

It can have absolutely nothing to do with a particular partner.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

It sounds like you guys have an emotional barrier that keeps you from being genuinely intimate. Did you guys ever have good chemistry? You say she's never really gotten what she needs from you but have you ever discussed what she needs? Do you watch a lot of porn that might interfere with your technique? How is your fitness? How is her fitness? You guys really need a candid talk and maybe a sex therapist, because you're both missing out on so much.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

I think it is an important issue. I know if sex never gave me an orgasm I'd want less and less.

being able to rock your partners world is a big part of marriage in my opinion.

maybe your oral skills are not as good as you think.or maybe she just takes longer than most. might want to ad a toy or vib to the mix.

open honest talking will be the most helpful.


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## ariel_angel77 (May 23, 2014)

Why would she tell you that exes gave her multiple orgasms and you don't give her any? That's pretty hurtful. You two should be focused on the fact that she hasn't gotten any with you and work on that issue.

See if she can show you what she does to herself that gets her off and see if you can do that. If she can orgasm to the thought of ex lovers but not to you, then there's a huge problem.

This is exactly why people shouldn't have sex before marriage.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

GavinM said:


> As the title describes I have an issue that I wish didn"t bother me but it does but I"m also far too embarrased about it to talk to anyone I know in person.


I wonder if your wife is just as embarrassed to talk about it with you, too. Maybe that's why she won't tell you what's what.

I suspect she might have trouble having orgasms when she's with a man. I know, I know, you said there were other guys...



> Essentially, I'm aware that my wife was able to (repeatedly) reach orgasm in her past relationships (one relationship in particular).


You are aware that's what she's told you. You don't know for a fact that it's true. Neither do her former partners with whom she supposedly had those orgasms. It might be true, but you don't really know for a fact.



> This is something that we've never been able to do together. I know this really shouldn't be that important and there are definitely far more imnportant things in a relationship but it still does cause me some concern.


It should be cause for concern, and it is important. I don't know of any orgasmic woman who would not want to have orgasms with her husband if she actually is capable of having orgasms with a man.



> Still our sex life, which was never great, has defintiely diminshed over time. Ive always known that she has never been able to get what she really wanted out of our sex life. She's never (directly) complained about this and she's always done her best to reasure me when I ask her if this or other shortcomings in the bedroom bother her but I know it does, at least to some extent.


She believes that she is the problem. That she's the one that's "broken." Otherwise, she would have complained long ago that she wasn't having orgasms and would have wanted to work on that with you. If she really had orgasms in her past sexual experiences, she would absolutely want to "fix" that issue if she weren't having them with you. 


> In terms of technique I have certainly always tried my best and there is definitely no lack of effort. Ive always been more than willing to provide oral sex for as long as she wants. However over the last number of years she has even lost interest in this and admitted that while she enjoys receiving oral sex she prefers it only breifly as a prelude to the 'real' act and not as end in itself.


Since you know about her sexual history, how did she have orgasms in the past with the other men? Through oral? Hands, vibrators, g-spot? Vaginal? Anal? All of the above? Has she ever described to you what way she is most likely to orgasm, and what she'd like you to do to have an orgasm? Has she ever suggested showing you how to use a vibrator on her since the other options didn't work?



> When I first met her I knew that sex was very important to her so the fact that she is frustrated is a big "trade-off" for her but its not like I would ever expect her to be unfaithful. Of course I know she still fatasizes about other men and masturbates regularily (althouhg always alone) but its not like i would ever be comfortable to intrude on this aspect of her life, especially when I know she's unsatisfied in bed.
> 
> Im curious if anyone has every had a similar or related issue. How have your dealt with it and how did it turn out?


I could be entirely wrong, of course, but I really do think it's worth understanding whether she really has ever had an orgasm with a man. She might have performance anxiety or trust issues or some other issue that's preventing this. Give it some thought.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

The sexual issue is a symptom of other problems. It sounds like she has put up emotional barriers. This is usually done to protect one's self from real or imagined harm.

Work on taking down the barriers. If they come down and she feels safe, the sex life will improve.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Dude...

What is it that she got from other guys, and this one in particular, that you're not giving her?

And when she masturbates and fantasizes about other guys, what is she fantasizing about?

Is it stuff she wants that you aren't _willing_ to give her, or is it stuff she wants that you _can't_ give her?


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

OP

I agree with others here that this issue shouldn't be minimized. I.e. not obvious that you are all that "lucky" to be married to her. Great mom, great professional. But You are not her child or her employer. Is she a great wife? I'm sensing no.....


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

I'm going to go the route that it's mental, not physical.

You say she's had a poor relationship (or more) in her past, yet she was able to enjoy good sex. So the man wasn't up to par in the relationship, but in the bedroom was another story.

Along you come, somebody who she sees as a good partner (perhaps her first one), and all of a sudden, the sex blockade comes up. Maybe because she doesn't want to relive these past relationships in any way, shape or form. Maybe sex was the only good thing about these relationships, and she's not able to bring that with her to a good partner that loves and respects her.

Somehow, she may have put good sex in the category of "it only happens with bad men". As you are a good man, she is not able to allow herself to have hot sex with you.

I'm not a woman, but I'm under the impression that women who are orgasmic... just are. If the technique is wrong, they will tell us, especially when they're in love with us. Those of you who are capable but require time and patience and exact manoeuvres, I can understand how changing partners could be an issue. In my experience, women who are multi-orgasmic do not necessarily require specific techniques to achieve an O. They just can.

I'd venture to say this is her problem, not a his, in that there's a mental block here. Therapy would be a great start.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

i tend to agree on the mental block thing!

are you saying she can masturbate herself and have a full orgasm, but when you masturbate her she can not? Can you use he exact same sex toys she uses and get no effect? that does not make much sense. i mean, she can fantasize about Justin Beiber just as well with you rubbing her as when she rubs herself--just sayin

the other possibility is that your technique really is lacking something. A lot of women do not like oral, or will only want a little oral the quickly move to PIV sex, so that is not that unusual. What you probably do have to do is rub her body all over, find what spots really turn her on (back of her neck, nipples, ass, whatever), really get her motor running BEFORE you insert your penis. Then really work hard with your penis for a long time. 

Sounds like all you need it to redouble your efforts, get her to have a few good orgasms, and she will be "over the hump" and be able to expect and enjoy orgasms again.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

GavinM said:


> Still our sex life, which was never great, has defintiely diminshed over time. Ive always known that she has never been able to get what she really wanted out of our sex life. She's never (directly) complained about this and she's always done her best to reasure me when I ask her if this or other shortcomings in the bedroom bother her
> 
> Thanks


Gavin, are you getting what you want out of your sex life?
Does she need you to reassure HER that it does not bother you?

Right there is your problem.

She's a crappy sexual partner to you as well, and yet, you are the one with shortcomings.

The reason she can't orgasm with you is that you are so insecure. The very fact that you had to find out about her past partners is a huge red flag regarding your insecurity.

Do not ask what this other guy did to give her orgasms. That will only cause her to think about him in relation to sex and you in relation to bad sex. Trial and error is what you have to do. Amp up your masculinity and eliminate your insecurity. Read MMSL and the Man Up reference in the Men's clubhouse.


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

GavinM said:


> I know more than I probably should about my wife's past including some very specific details. I also know that this in prior relationship (before we were together) was flawed in many ways but that sex was definitely not one of them.] One thing I should state is that other than in the bedroom our relationship is pretty good. We have a very happy family and get along well as a couple. Or at least as well as most couples with a young family and after being togehter for a while. My wife is a great mom and very successful professionally. She's maybe a little more direct than I like and she's definitely 'set in her ways' and stuborn but Im sure if anyone was noting the areas I could improve the list would be long indeed. *I consider myself very lucky to be married to her;* she's a good partner, kind and respectful.
> 
> Still our sex life, which was never great, has defintiely diminshed over time. Ive always known that she has never been able to get what she really wanted out of our sex life. She's never (directly) complained about this and she's always done her best to reasure me when I ask her if this or other *shortcomings in the bedroom *bother her but I know it does, at least to some extent. In terms of technique I have certainly always tried my best and there is definitely no lack of effort. *Ive always been more than willing *to provide oral sex for as long as she wants. However over the last number of years she has even lost interest in this and admitted that while she enjoys receiving oral sex she prefers it only breifly as a prelude to the 'real' act and not as end in itself.
> 
> ...


Your whole post reeks of polite consideration, which I am sure makes you a great husband, but it is probably what prevents you from becoming a great lover. Your post mentions what *she* wants what*she* needs and your shortcomings again and again. 

You need to stop being so considerate and take what YOU want sexually from your wife. Forget about making her come and being the ideal lover and do what you want with her. Dominate her and push the envelope a little. Make her feel like your need to take her is urgent and you are going to get what you need. 

At the moment you are the sexual equivalent of a polite shop assistant and that is not what turns most women on. Be a little selfish, stop trying to make her orgasm and just f*ck her, thoroughly. Once you stop trying so goddamn hard her orgasm will come naturally.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

I agree this is likely her problem.

Check out some reading with David Schnarck or something like that.

Secondly, if she is feeding those fantasies she is continuing to train her brain and body to respond to only certain things. This is a kind of porn effect.


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## rubymoon (Jul 21, 2014)

OP, maybe you should believe what she says?.. You say that she reassures you about this and that, but you KNOW that... In fact, you don't know anything beyond of what she is telling you. And she may be telling the truth. 

Random thoughts: sex was important to her long time ago, when you just met. She is now older, and her hormonal levels changed. She may be fantasizing about you while taking care of herself. Not sure how exactly you learned about her past relationships, but is it possible that you were misinformed? I bet it is, because you weren't there when she supposedly multi-orgasmed with another man.  

1mln$ question: do YOU get what you need out of it?


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## inquizitivemind (Jul 16, 2013)

OP, I taught my husband how to please me. I never wanted to avoid sex with him and masturbate to please myself. I really think you should listen to others advice and realize there may be something emotionally keeping your wife from intimacy with you.


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