# Can a wife spoil her husband too much?



## helenbean (Aug 13, 2015)

I love spoiling my husband. Doing things for him makes me happy. If he wants a frappe at midnight I go and get him one. I am just wondering if one can be too available and too accommodating. I think men like a challenge and if one is wrapped around their little finger that may be a turnoff. What do you think? Can a spouse be too giving?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

helenbean said:


> I love spoiling my husband. Doing things for him makes me happy. If he wants a frappe at midnight I go and get him one. I am just wondering if one can be too available and too accommodating. I think men like a challenge and if one is wrapped around their little finger that may be a turnoff. What do you think? Can a spouse be too giving?


Yes.

There is a fine line. On one side of the line, it's giving and loving. On the other side, it's groveling and being subservient.


When I was very young I was married to a guy.. I was like you. If he wanted coffee, tea, whatever, I'd get it. After some time I noticed two things. One was that he never did the same for me. The other was that it became habit for him to basically order me around. 

After we divorced I asked him about it. He response was "Why wouldn't I take advantage of it?"

Basically he did not take it as love or me being nice. He took it as me being a stupid sap. And he was more than willing to take as much as I would give. And here I thought I was being loving. 

What's going on that your are asking this question. Does he do similar things for you?


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## lilith23 (Sep 6, 2012)

My husband can be pretty sacrificing (although he still has some boundaries I think), although I also try to be conscious and caring of how he feels. So I'd say that it'd depend on your level of giving plus how considerate the other person is. A rule would be that you shouldn't sacrifice your own well being for things that are not relevant (for example getting him latte in the middle of the night when it requires lots of effort after a tiresome day). Another rule is kowing how relevant an act is for your spouse and how much he/she appreciates it.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

Hmmm sure spoil away if you want him to brat. 

But seriously he's a grown man, a person, I'm unsure what's attractive about a man who can't use his own arms and legs and for instance operate a washing machine etc. 

Does he take care of you the same way, if so as Ele pointed out, that's different. If not he's unlikely to appreciate you.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

lilith23 said:


> My husband can be pretty sacrificing (although he still has some boundaries I think), although I also try to be conscious and caring of how he feels. So I'd say that it'd depend on your level of giving plus how considerate the other person is.* A rule would be that you shouldn't sacrifice your own well being for things that are not relevant (for example getting him latte in the middle of the night when it requires lots of effort after a tiresome day). *Another rule is kowing how relevant an act is for your spouse and how much he/she appreciates it.


and when it is dangerous -- more dangerous for you than him -- to do so.

I find the title of your thread a bit ironic. "Spoil" is a term that is usually negative. Yet, when applied to relationships it can be -- in a small window -- positive. Who doesn't want to be spoiled / taken care of to some degree / in a small window.

Moreover, I find the example that you give ironic -- what husband wants their wife trawling the streets after midnight and for a hot drink that will keep them up late.

So in answer to your question, yes you can "spoil" someone too much. Personally, I would concentrate on the traditional reasons that a husband takes wife ie, stay in shape, look your best, keep a reasonably neat home; cook him meals that would like to eat and be his social partner at both social and professional activities.

After that, expect him to do something nice for you.


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

I think as long as it is graciously accepted and returned in a way that pleases you, doesnt leave you feeling like you are being taken advantage of, whats the harm?


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## thefam (Sep 9, 2014)

helenbean said:


> I love spoiling my husband. Doing things for him makes me happy. * If he wants a frappe at midnight I go and get him one.* I am just wondering if one can be too available and too accommodating. I think men like a challenge and if one is wrapped around their little finger that may be a turnoff. What do you think? Can a spouse be too giving?


I know some women don't care about any type of "protective" behavior from a partner. Was wondering how you feel about him being okay with you going out at midnight alone to get something for him?


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

helenbean said:


> I love spoiling my husband. Doing things for him *makes me happy*. If he wants a frappe at midnight I go and get him one. I am just wondering if one can be too available and too accommodating. I think men like a challenge and if one is wrapped around their little finger that may be a turnoff. What do you think? Can a spouse be too giving?



As long as he demonstrates sincere gratitude it should be OK. 

The problem comes when you can't make him happy or console him due to unrelated issues outside of your control. Odds are you would then become bitter and compound his problems instead of helping them. In this case you also need to find your own happiness from within and share that with him to cheer him up as opposed to primarily finding your happiness from him. He should also be able to do the same for you and not expect you to be happy when he spoils you.

Cheers,
Badsanta


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## lilith23 (Sep 6, 2012)

thefam said:


> I know some women don't care about any type of "protective" behavior from a partner. Was wondering how you feel about him being okay with you going out at midnight alone to get something for him?


This is a good point. What a spouse requests and the conext can tell a lot. My husband would never ask me to get out in the middle of the night for that, nor would I do so, coz we are both protective of each other as well as caring (frappe/latte sounds like just a whim of the moment).


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

toonaive said:


> I think as long as it is graciously accepted and *returned* in a way that pleases you, doesnt leave you feeling like you are being taken advantage of, whats the harm?


It can be great when to partners are giving in such a way!


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

Leaving in the middle of the night for a coffee seems a bit much. In my head it would seem much more satisfying to go together and enjoy doing something a little crazy as a couple. More generally I think if you find spoiling your spouse gratifying, than do it as long as the acts are appreciated. I think the line is where the acts begin to be taken for granted and you begin to be seen as a servant. I can appreciate having my coffee made for me every morning like it was the first time but I think others will thank you the first time and then add it to your list of jobs.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

helenbean said:


> I love spoiling my husband. Doing things for him makes me happy. If he wants a frappe at midnight I go and get him one. I am just wondering if one can be too available and too accommodating. I think men like a challenge and if one is wrapped around their little finger that may be a turnoff. What do you think? Can a spouse be too giving?


As long as both spouses have the same mode of operation (generosity & giving), then I would say no. That's the magic that makes a marriage work.

But leaving at midnight to get coffee... a little extreme. He shouldn't even ask, or let you go, its midnight.


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## BWBill (Jan 30, 2013)

If it is a bad thing please don't tell my wife.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Just my opinion,but I can't imagine being spoiled to the degree that I would be accepting my spouse run out at midnight to get me a frappe. If I let that type of thing happen constantly then I would seriously have to question myself about myself. I believe in interdependence and that it's something that has to be worked on and the word spoiling implies extreme to an extent while it also can be one-sided.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

OP, can you give other examples of how you spoil your husband?


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Yeah a man that would ask for a coffee in the middle of the night is not a prize catch, sorry but that is just not good enough. 

But as to your question about spoiling him, that in itself seems really childish, we spoil children, not adults. As a partner it is great to give all that you have to offer but not to the detriment of your own safety and self worth. Everything in balance is my motto, we both do a lot for each other out of love and happiness, he often tells me that he feels like the luckiest man on Earth and I tell him that I feel like the luckiest woman on Earth, well balanced giving and receiving. What you describe is someone that is acting like a love sick puppy while the other takes advantage.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

We all should want to do things for those we love. I'll do anything for my wife. She does so much for me and I'm grateful for all her effort. I've had her get me drink/food, which of course, I'd do for her but sending her out at night ? No way. We live in a low crime area but I still wouldn't expect her to do something like that.


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