# How to deal with sexual incompatibility in marriage?



## Cuckold1967 (Apr 14, 2017)

Dear Readers,
my wife and I have been married for many years now. Our marriage has had its ups and downs, nothing out of the ordinary. But what troubles me most is that my sexual drive and sexual fantasies have never been reciprocated by my wife and, meanwhile, our sexlife has hit rock bottom. I wonder how to solve this issue as I do not want to leave her, not now, after all this time, and I still love her and adore her for many good reasons, including the fact that she has been able to put up with me for so long, despite all the disillusionment she has had to face in relation to me - still, even I could claim having suffered such disillusionement in relation to her: we were both too immature when we met, choosing an unsuitable partner as we did not know who we were ourselves.
So, as things stand, she has found religion and I have found porn, in particular cuckoldry has proved to be my pervasive fetish for decades now. I did try at several stages of our marriage to win my wife for it, but she has never made the slightest step in that direction, nor in the direction of any other sexual fantasy or practice I have come up with as being worth a try within the framework of sex involving no interaction with extra-marital partners. Hence, our sexlife has become monotonous, limited in its facets, and we have almost ceased to have any - the last few months have seen no sex at all. I wonder, therefore, what I should do, or say to her, in order to make things move forward again, but I find it hard to raise the drive to do so as the anticipation of the sex we might have then does not excite me much at all. It is my fantasies and my porn choices that excite me, not the sex with my wife. Is there a way out?
Thanks for your interest.
Please do advise me if you wish to do so and if you feel you may have a good idea.
Kind regards,
Cuckold1967


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

If your wife has found religion then you are stuck


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## Cuckold1967 (Apr 14, 2017)

Thanks for your reply - although it is disheartening to me.
I feel stuck though, indeed, because religion is not part of my worldview and I feel turned off by her "spiritual disengagement" from our relationship.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

There is no solution to this, OP, other than to leave. I speak from experience.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

You can divorce or you can stay and be miserable.
Or perhaps you can learn not to be miserable despite the lack of reciprocation in your sex life. Some do. Many try and fail.
Your life. Your choice. Good luck.


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## Mollymolz (Jan 12, 2017)

I think there's hope despite her religious beliefs for fulling SOME fantasies. I think your big one out out of the picture though. That would usually wouldn't fly in many relationships despite religion. Maybe try to see a sex therapist who would help you guys by starting to up the frequency of sex and then start to explore some of your tamer fantasies first. 

Sent from my E6653 using Tapatalk


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

So you want your wife to love you enough to sleep with other men? I don't mean to sound close-minded, but how can that even work? Would fulfilling your other fantasies be adequate?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

On the bright side, OP, you've already been cuckolded - by Jesus.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

What if your wife wanted to watch you with say a woman using a strap on because thats the only way she can really enjoy herself. Or maybe some beastailty ?


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

Op, how long have you and your wife been together/married?

Were your sex drives always mismatched? When did it start to hit a rut?

What is the disillusionment she has had to face in relation to you?

When did you 'find porn'? When did she find religion?

Besides cuckoldry, what other fantasies have you shared with her? What were her initial reactions? 

Must she fulfill these fantasies in order for you to enjoy sex with her? 

Does she have no sex drive or is she just averse to the type of sex you're interested in? How does your wife get her sexual needs met?

What is her opinion of your porn use?


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## Duguesclin (Jan 18, 2014)

I am not a religious person, but there is more hope in religion to improve one's character than with porn.

To get closer to your wife, I would strongly suggest you give up porn and become a principled man. Your wife will respect that.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I think there is a range in how many people share various sexual interests / kinks and you have to be aware of that when thinking about what you want in a sexual relationship.

Most people would consider intercourse, oral, using hands, kissing etc. to be reasonably expected in a passionate relationship. 

Other things are less common, anal, bondage, role playing etc. Its OK to ask, but you can't expect your partner to want to engage in all of those, but many people will engage in some of them. 

Then there are the more unusual interests, hard bdsm, multiple partners, and a bunch of other things I won't mention. Most people do not enjoy these things and won't do them. If you have a fetish for one of these and feel that you really need it to be happy, then you have to find a compatible partner, you can't expect someone to just decide to do these.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

I'm guessing the constant badgering from your spouse who gets turned on by wanting to see you have sex with other men might have caused her to lose her desire for him.

She most likely knows about the porn as well.

This has nought to do with religion. She just doesn't want to bang you.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Married but Happy said:


> On the bright side, OP, you've already been cuckolded - by Jesus.


This is NOT a well thought out post.

Jesus is in her life. 
Jesus is in her heart.
Jesus is not in her pants.

Not good...this one.


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## Lizzyb (Mar 29, 2017)

I have a question. These not to so normal fantasy/fetishes such as bondage and cuckold, how does one establish these? Is it through porn or does it just pop in the head all on its own? If you never watched porn or something to trigger would it st surface in your thoughts all by themselves?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

SunCMars said:


> This is NOT a well thought out post.
> 
> Jesus is in her life.
> Jesus is in her heart.
> ...


I'm sorry you don't like it. But anyone who puts someone else - including Jesus - ahead of their marriage is a POS cheater, IMO.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Women are unique creatures.

Under that bathrobe she wears, she has two handles.
No..not boobs.

One handle is for hot water.
One handle is for cold water.

One day, a while back, you reached into that robe and mistakenly turned on the cold water.
And....you broke the handle off. Now it runs cold for eternity.

You had a good wife. You had a good wife. You had a good wife.

You want fantasy. "Strap-on" a set of wings...fly to Never-Never land.
Yeoman Smee has a wench lined up for thee.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Lay off the porn partner.

Unless you made it very clear to her that you expected her to get fd by other men going into your relationship, you are way out of bounds here and I'm surprised she is even still with you.

You sound very unhealthy because you have trained your mind for so long on a porn fantasy that what you really have is slipping away.

You have tipped over the healthy boundaries line along time ago and your wife is probably more turned off by you than you are by her.

Get healthy and improve yourself. Stop with the porn. You obviously can't maintain a healthy outlook with using it.

That is my advice to improve your relationship with your wife.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Married but Happy said:


> I'm sorry you don't like it. But anyone who puts someone else - including Jesus - ahead of their marriage is a POS cheater, IMO.


Like him putting his porn addiction and **** fantasy ahead of her.

My wife and I put Jesus first but we understand what that means.

He flat out tells us to be committed to each other.

If she is using religion as a club to beat her husband with and a barrier to put between them then she isn't worshipping Jesus anyway.

Sounds like she is just turned off by her porn addicted **** wannabe husband.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

That is a really interesting question, and not easy to answer. I know that I, and others have had some fantasies before they saw porn. There is a woman I know who is into BDSM and once told me that as a little girl she would tied up her barbie dolls (not in a sexual way, but even at a young age there was some attraction). 

OTOH, I think porn provides or at least triggers a wide variety of interests as well. 

OTOOH, early art suggests that people have been at least somewhat kinky for a long time.

It would be interesting to know how kink varies by culture, and whether it is at all common in cultures without much media access. 



Lizzyb said:


> I have a question. These not to so normal fantasy/fetishes such as bondage and cuckold, how does one establish these? Is it through porn or does it just pop in the head all on its own? If you never watched porn or something to trigger would it st surface in your thoughts all by themselves?


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

It amazes me that someone would think that inviting or pushing your LD partner to have sex with other people would create more intimacy between you. It's just unrealistic as the porn itself. It doesn't endear you to your partner, it only makes her feel degraded and less safe. 

Do you need others in the room to get personal with your wife? Is marriage counseling to personal for you? 

Knock off the porn. Get realistic. It's not real. 

Get yourself into therapy. Your wife is real. Learn how to create real intimacy.


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## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

Cuckold1967 said:


> Dear Readers,
> my wife and I have been married for many years now. Our marriage has had its ups and downs, nothing out of the ordinary. But what troubles me most is that my sexual drive and sexual fantasies have never been reciprocated by my wife and, meanwhile, our sexlife has hit rock bottom. I wonder how to solve this issue as I do not want to leave her, not now, after all this time, and I still love her and adore her for many good reasons, including the fact that she has been able to put up with me for so long, despite all the disillusionment she has had to face in relation to me - still, even I could claim having suffered such disillusionement in relation to her: we were both too immature when we met, choosing an unsuitable partner as we did not know who we were ourselves.
> So, as things stand, she has found religion and I have found porn, in particular cuckoldry has proved to be my pervasive fetish for decades now. I did try at several stages of our marriage to win my wife for it, but she has never made the slightest step in that direction, nor in the direction of any other sexual fantasy or practice I have come up with as being worth a try within the framework of sex involving no interaction with extra-marital partners. Hence, our sexlife has become monotonous, limited in its facets, and we have almost ceased to have any - the last few months have seen no sex at all. I wonder, therefore, what I should do, or say to her, in order to make things move forward again, but I find it hard to raise the drive to do so as the anticipation of the sex we might have then does not excite me much at all. It is my fantasies and my porn choices that excite me, not the sex with my wife. Is there a way out?
> Thanks for your interest.
> ...


Please don't blame your wife's religion on her disinterest in having sex with people outside of her marriage. Many women, religious or not, would refuse to have sex with men who are not their husbands. If you consider this limited and a wet blanket to your sexual excitement, I highly suggest getting into sex therapy for the sake of your marriage.

There is always a way out- divorce. But if you have kids, try sex therapy first. If not, I think your wife should get out.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

It sounds like the porn is a response to her denying him sex in the marriage, compounded by her "finding" religion and using it as an excuse to deprive him of intimacy. So he turned to porn in response to her addiction to _spiritual _porn. Perhaps I'm wrong, but the timeline for the development of their problems isn't clear to me.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

Yours is a common problem and one that has a lot of married couples talking about monogamy and how it does not seem to work well if the divorce rate is any indicator. My wife and I stepped out of the monogamous zone and ended up having, and still have a great sex life into our mid sixties. We both agree that had we tried to suffer through monogamy when our sex life was dying, we would have divorced. Instead we have enjoyed a great sex life for 44 years and still counting. My signature below states a truth that dooms many a marriage. Seems that most rather go down with the ship rather than find another way to stay afloat. Funny how some friends of mine will rather divorce than give up on monogamy even when the reason for divorcing is that one, or as our last friends did, both are cheating. They rather cheat in the framework of monogamy then to simply give each other permission to do what they were doing anyway. I see no sense in destroying a life you built with someone over sex. Sex can just be sex as my wife and I learned. It does not have to be making love. Married 44+ years and other sexual partners have never come between my wife and I or made even a ripple in our marriage. Our lifestyle and solution is not for everyone but more and more married couples are making it work for them. We know because we have had sex with their spouses as they have with us.

This is from CNN news and worth a read: Rethinking monogamy today - CNN.com


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

Lizzyb said:


> I have a question. These not to so normal fantasy/fetishes such as bondage and cuckold, how does one establish these? Is it through porn or does it just pop in the head all on its own? If you never watched porn or something to trigger would it st surface in your thoughts all by themselves?


Bondage, cuckold and other things - freaky or criminal have existed BEFORE porn.


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

Vinnydee : Out of all your Open relationship friends that are "couples"/married... how many of them last 20, 40+ years?


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## Cuckold1967 (Apr 14, 2017)

Tatsuhiko said:


> So you want your wife to love you enough to sleep with other men? I don't mean to sound close-minded, but how can that even work? Would fulfilling your other fantasies be adequate?


No, I would like her to like sex and cuckoldry enough to want to sleep with other men and thereby cuckold me. 
If she did it only to please me, it would not turn me on at all nor would it turn her on. Lose - lose!


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## Cuckold1967 (Apr 14, 2017)

I realized it at 21 when my then girlfriend asked me if I would be ok with her seing a professor of hers for dinner. She described him to me as a person she feels interested in - as they share an interest in pedagogical issues (her field of study) - and who also impressed her as a mature man (he was in his thirties, she was 22). So, as she talked about him and I listened, my heartbeat increased and as I accepted her request and expressed my understanding for her interest in more mature men, I became enormously aroused. Instead of feeling jealous, I felt sexually excited at the thought of her seeing him and being intimate with him. - Ever since that day, I have been a cuckold, but largely in my mind because none of my partners after her had sex outside our relationship, not even those to whom I suggested it.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

Cuckold1967 said:


> I realized it at 21 when my then girlfriend asked me if I would be ok with her seing a professor of hers for dinner. She described him to me as a person she feels interested in - as they share an interest in pedagogical issues (her field of study) - and who also impressed her as a mature man (he was in his thirties, she was 22). So, as she talked about him and I listened, my heartbeat increased and as I accepted her request and expressed my understanding for her interest in more mature men, I became enormously aroused. Instead of feeling jealous, I felt sexually excited at the thought of her seeing him and being intimate with him. - Ever since that day, I have been a cuckold, but largely in my mind because *none of my partners after her had sex outside our relationship, not even those to whom I suggested it.*


So she screwed him? And how did your relationship with her end?

None of your partners after her were into cuckoldry, and that is the reason they came and went, and didn't stick around because they likely lost respect for a man who doesn't want them all for himself.

And that increased heartbeat and arousal....that doesn't mean you like the idea. It is just the normal response to prepare you to pound her through the mattress and displace the other dude's semen.

You misinterpreted your feelings.

The timelines in your current relationship are not clear, but I'm assuming it mostly stems from her losing respect after you brought up the cuckold thing.


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## Cuckold1967 (Apr 14, 2017)

This is how "things" went on and ended:

Well, yes, she did have a short relationship with him alongside me, without threesomes though, they only met in private, in her place, as he was already married. I was staying in my own place, so it was easy for me to give her that space she needed.
After this first guy, there was one other man, a superior of hers, during a placement she did abroad. Two months after that she broke up with me: she left the country to study abroad and, as she said, she had come to realize that she wanted an older partner and, much sooner than I would have considered that an option, found a family. I was devastated for a while, but I managed to recover through concentrating on my studies.

Sorry, I forgot what else you wrote ...


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## Cuckold1967 (Apr 14, 2017)

manwithnoname said:


> So she screwed him? And how did your relationship with her end?
> 
> None of your partners after her were into cuckoldry, and that is the reason they came and went, and didn't stick around because they likely lost respect for a man who doesn't want them all for himself.
> 
> ...


No, I didn't misinterpret MY feelings. But you are probably right to say that my "reveations" have put off previous partners as much as my wife, at least to a cnsiderable extent, depending on the case ven to the point of leaving me (probably) for that reason most of all.

The problem is, or rather was: How do you allow yourself to fall in love with a "hand" like mine? I.E.: One of my cards is "I love you" and another one, which 'must' be played too, is "I want to be your cuckold". I have also tried to play that latter card first - no success either!


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## Cuckold1967 (Apr 14, 2017)

ConanHub said:


> Lay off the porn partner.
> 
> Unless you made it very clear to her that you expected her to get fd by other men going into your relationship, you are way out of bounds here and I'm surprised she is even still with you.
> 
> ...


Upon reading you I felt: YOU ARE SO RIGHT! - But it is so hard for me to turn things around. Porn has also bcome an escapism to me. It's like what excessive sports or excessive alcohol or ruinous gambling is to others: A dysfunctional and disastrous "cure" to a problem whose cause resides elsewhere.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Cuckold1967 said:


> This is how "things" went on and ended:
> 
> Well, yes, she did have a short relationship with him alongside me, without threesomes though, they only met in private, in her place, as he was already married. I was staying in my own place, so it was easy for me to give her that space she needed.
> After this first guy, there was one other man, a superior of hers, during a placement she did abroad. Two months after that she broke up with me: she left the country to study abroad and, as she said, she had come to realize that she wanted an older partner and, much sooner than I would have considered that an option, found a family. I was devastated for a while, but I managed to recover through concentrating on my studies.
> ...


Time is a wonderful salve, a healer.

It allows old memories to magically appear. To form in an instant and as if "on cue".

The narrative continues.


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## Cuckold1967 (Apr 14, 2017)

I'm not sure what you're trying to say, but unless you are serious about conversing with me, I'd rather you don't.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I went back to the well...your first post. Then I re-read the other posts and slid them together. They do not mesh nicely...a little jagged as things are out of order and spaces seem unfilled... missing.

One thing pops out. 

1) Your wife likes mature men.
2) She could not land one.
3) For this reason she is unhappy. She may have "settled" for you. Ouch.

In a peekaan'-nut shell, you two are not compatible. That is it...no more to tell.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Cuckold1967 said:


> I'm not sure what you're trying to say, but unless you are serious about conversing with me, I'd rather you don't.


I understand. Weather the **** storm. 

No one likes to be critiqued. I am no different...believe me!

This is tough love from an Avatar. A faceless guy from the Ethernet.

Not all off it {from everyone here} is "on the mark", I realize this. 

Separate the wheat from the chaff.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Cuckold1967 said:


> Upon reading you I felt: YOU ARE SO RIGHT! - But it is so hard for me to turn things around. Porn has also bcome an escapism to me. It's like what excessive sports or excessive alcohol or ruinous gambling is to others: A dysfunctional and disastrous "cure" to a problem whose cause resides elsewhere.


I know exactly what you are going through. I've been there myself.

It will be very hard but is certainly doable. Do you have any resources to get some help?


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## Cuckold1967 (Apr 14, 2017)

SunCMars said:


> I went back to the well...your first post. Then I re-read the other posts and slid them together. They do not mesh nicely...a little jagged as things are out of order and spaces seem unfilled... missing.
> 
> One thing pops out.
> 
> ...


OK, SunCMars, now I get your meaning. 
Yeah, you may be right. My wife is 2 years older than me, born in 1965, and I am her second partner only.
Incompatibility always involves both sides, logically, and maybe she has never been so thoroughly attracted to me in sexual terms either?
I am not sure about all this, though, despite our 22 years of marriage, as sex has always been normal in practice and hardly spoken of otherwise.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

Cuckold1967 said:


> Upon reading you I felt: YOU ARE SO RIGHT! - But it is so hard for me to turn things around. Porn has also bcome an escapism to me. It's like what excessive sports or excessive alcohol or ruinous gambling is to others: A dysfunctional and disastrous "cure" to a problem whose cause resides elsewhere.




Ok well if you know this than that is a good start. 

Your situation is much like mine and my husbands. He is into cuckold as well, the fantasy of it not the reality of it, and I am not into it at all. He watches cuckold porn as well. 

So what you have to decide is realistically what is most important to you. If your answer is your marriage and your wife, then you have to work on that and do things that will help your relationship, like stop watching porn. 

But if this alternative lifestyle, sexuality part of you is more important than the marriage won't work. 

You can't have everything you want. You will not change her, she will never be into this fetish. Ever. So get that option out of your mind because it's not realistic. Stop obsessing over cuckolding. Seriously. A lot of people have fetishes but they don't only need to have that sex fetish to enjoy sex. You obviously at one time enjoyed the sex you guys we're having and that was enough for you. Now all of a sudden cuckolding has became so important and you obsession over it is making you think you need it to be happy and enjoy sex, this is a lie. Porn is ruining your marriage. You need to be stronger than this addiction. It brings you pleasure for a short period of time and then it's over and your empty again after.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

The problem is that people tend to go the path of least resistance, and the path that brings them immediate happiness and satisfaction. And In fact if we take that path we are doomed. That "happiness" is fake, and it's short lived. Immediate satisfaction is so the devils work. Seriously we won't live happy successful lives and have successful relationships. AND eventually that stimulus or whatever brought you that immediate "happiness" eventually won't be enough and you will need more of it, until it's a huge problem. 

Obesity, the love of food, the love of plastic surgery, the love of porn... this is all people taking the path of least resistance and when it's not balanced it will ruin lives. If you would rather watch porn than sleep with your wife, this is not ok. And it's not because your wife doesn't do what you want so get that out of your head. It is not ok to need porn, it is not ok to need porn to masterbate, To choose it over your wife. This is a problem. When things start to affect our lives and our relationships than there is a problem.

Because most people can balance porn and marriage, most people can balance their sexual freaky side without it ruining a marriage. Because porn, our sexual freaky side... is a little part of who we are, it's a small part of our lives. When we make it bigger than it is, when we make it who we are, when we make it more important than our relationships then we have problems.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Quote:
Originally Posted by @Cuckold1967 


> Upon reading you I felt: YOU ARE SO RIGHT! - But it is so hard for me to turn things around. Porn has also bcome an escapism to me. It's like what excessive sports or excessive alcohol or ruinous gambling is to others: A dysfunctional and disastrous "cure" to a problem whose cause resides elsewhere.





ConanHub said:


> I know exactly what you are going through. I've been there myself.
> 
> It will be very hard but is certainly doable. Do you have any resources to get some help?


Very few will, can admit this. This addiction..battle with porn.

With the younger generation, men and women look at it. In the past, it was mostly males....the visual thing [false assumption]. Women process images, just fine. 

Supposedly, billions are spent on porn. I suspect with the advent of free porn on the internet this dollar amount took a nosedive.

Supposedly, billions look at "it" occasionally....or habitually.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

I see your wife's refusal to participate in your cuckold lifestyle as reasonable for her. She shouldn't have to justify her refusal. You shouldn't ask for a reason for her refusal.

Personally I think it would only ruin a relationship. But if you did happen to find a woman who was up for it, and wanted to participate, fine, go for it. But you should never pressure any woman to participate in that.

Disease, jealousies by lots of people, all kind o' crazy problems even if you found a woman who wasn't ashamed of participating.

One thing for sure is it's just wrong to try to coerce your wife into having sex with other men, for any reason. Blaming her is wrong. Trying to obfuscate the issue by saying she found religion is a waste of typing. She may have found religion to try to cope with having to deal with your constant badgering to try to get her to have sex with strange men to satisfy your sexual perversion.

Oh well, I should probably not post.


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## Cuckold1967 (Apr 14, 2017)

WilliamM said:


> I see your wife's refusal to participate in your cuckold lifestyle as reasonable for her. She shouldn't have to justify her refusal. You shouldn't ask for a reason for her refusal.
> 
> Personally I think it would only ruin a relationship. But if you did happen to find a woman who was up for it, and wanted to participate, fine, go for it. But you should never pressure any woman to participate in that.
> 
> ...


No, it's fine that you speak your mind, I appreciate honesty although I'm not fully capable of it in my situation towards my wife.
That being said, I have never badgered her or coerced her into anything - I have suggested things and explained them, but never tried to apply emtional pressure. That at least you could believe me, and maybe your otherwise justly harsh post would have been phrased differently on that premise.

It is possible, however, that my wife found religion in HER attempt to cope with our marriage, with me, and my incompatibility with HER wishes or expectations. I wouldn't deny that. Still, she was open to things in sex at the beginning of our relationship when we were but briefly married and up until the second year. I don't mean she accepted becoming a hotwife, but she admitted the fantasy of a threesome for verbal stimulation during sex, and also the use of a vibrator to replace my penis. There was even a moment where she did consider seeing her ex again and she told me about having met him but having decided not to go further than having dinner. I think she was considering leaving me, maybe, but he may have no longer been a candidate for marriage and she has always been very concerned with her image in her extended family ... So she made her choice.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Cuckold1967 said:


> ....my wife and I have been married for many years now.
> 
> ...my sexual drive and sexual fantasies have never been reciprocated by my wife and, meanwhile, our sexlife has hit rock bottom.
> 
> ...


A few thoughts. I would really love to give and receive oral sex with my wife of 46+ years. Before and early in the marriage she promised me we could. She assumed that our love would grow and she would change. She didn't, it isn't going to happen. I have to live with it or leave. Sometimes you don't always get what you want in life and have to learn to move on.

The real issue for you is do you want to continue your marriage or not? Does your wife want to continue your marriage or not. If the answer for each is yes, then it is all about negotiating compromises that you both can live with. 

I would agree with others that cuckolding and a strong marriage are a hard combination to do well, at least in reality. You have probably pushed way too hard and your wife is probably way too turned off to the idea to every make it work in reality. I would also say I don't think it would work for very long in reality.

You might want to ask yourself what it is that you find arousing about being a cuckold? Is it the submissiveness, the humiliation, or is it the a lack of sexual responsibility? Are you OK with the lack of sex, you don't sound like you are, but some in the cuckold lifestyle are committed to lifelong chastity on the part of their hotwife/key holder? You talked about the professor and your girlfriend that you lost. Do you want to keep your wife? 

While there could be some ways to role play this, even that would likely not be good for your marriage, depending what it is that arouses you. If she dislikes you, doesn't want to have sex with you, she could humiliate you, lock you in chastity and still enjoy spending your money and being your wife (maybe). Then again, maybe sitting down with your wife and say that you understand she doesn't want to commit adultery, you understand that you were wrong to suggest it, and that you need her help to find happiness in the context of a committed marriage. 

If you like the idea of a cuckold and the two of you aren't having sex, because she doesn't want to with you, maybe the two of you can turn the non-sex into something that helps satisfy your fetish, like chastity. Maybe you can pretend that she is having sex with others, even is she doesn't role play that. Maybe if she is angry at you, you can get her to humiliate you in a cuckold context that satisfies your fetish? The problem with trying this is that if she get's into this kind of role playing, it could be the equivalent of negative affirmations. That is, if she humiliates you her subconscious is going to ultimately have less respect for you and think less of you as a "husband." 

Now my suggestion is for you to stop the cuckold porn and try to figure out how you and your wife can relate to each other in the context of a marriage. I would suggest that the two of you arrange for some sessions with a sex therapist, who may be able to help the two of you reconnect in a way that brings you both together in a meaningful way. 

Don't blame your wife's religion for your problems. You have a fantasy, that once was allowed to become reality with a girlfriend and professor and now you would like to continue that reality. Well unfortunately your wife isn't comfortable with the idea. You can't change your wife, only she can change herself. Maybe with help the two of you can find something else or something on the edge that will satisfy the both of you. If you can't and you must satisfy something your wife can't handle, then you need to think about divorce.

Good luck.


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## Cuckold1967 (Apr 14, 2017)

Thanks for your enormous and thorough effort, and your profoundly meaningful analysis and advice.
It is late here in my place, so I will answer you tomorrow.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Your sex life has fallen apart because she won't do what you want her to do.

That is tremendous coercion.

If you were merely making a suggestion and applying no pressure at all, her answer would make no difference to your attitudes and actions towards her.


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## happysnappy (Jan 8, 2013)

Porn causes many problems in excess and especially when it's obviously way over the top like in this case. Your wife is not a porn star and will never be. Your addiction is helping kill your marriage. Please seek help. Her religion has I would bet zero to do with her not wanting to be with you. Any faith I have ever belonged to does not condemn sex between spouses or anything they may choose to do within that marriage of that nature but only with one another. It's unlikely you'll ever get her to indulge your fantasy and likely if you did, you'd regret it pretty quickly. You need to do some searching within yourself and get your priorities straight before she wises up and leaves 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Cuckold1967 (Apr 14, 2017)

Hi William and HappySnappy,

You are both right to put it like you did - I may not coerce intentionally, but her knowing what turns me on and her not being tuned to provide that must have put her at odds with our sexlife. At the same time, as years have moved on and we are now at the beginning of our fifties, I have gradually developed difficulty of the physical sort satisfying HER needs in bed too, conventional as those needs may be, but still they require me to perform in ways I have gradually grown out of or lost the virility for, and my physical lack of endowment now affects me harder than it already did in younger years. So, you may see things in a slightly less harsh way towards me when you become aware that there are two sides to the incompatibility and it's not only my demands on her but her demands on me that have been posing increasing problems. Her interest in sex with me has not declined because I put pressure on her to be different, but because my being different from what she wants in a man has made me seem less stimulating to her even more than she may be a "disappointment" for me.

OK, then. Responses here have shown me that, no matre what, it is up to me to make a cut now and either leave her or leave porn, either abandon sex with her or make a step towards her, either dwell on in my self-pity and addiction or take responsibility and change myself to save my marriage.

Thanks for your letters, therefore, you have done me good, all of you taken together.

Kind regards, Jean


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Cuckold1967 said:


> ....in particular cuckoldry has proved to be my pervasive fetish for decades now. I did try at several stages of our marriage to win my wife for it, but she has never made the slightest step in that direction, nor in the direction of any other sexual fantasy or practice I have come up with as being worth a try within the framework of sex involving no interaction with extra-marital partners.


And exactly HOW was she supposed to indulge you in your cuckoldry fantasy if you claim you wanted to do it without any interaction from another person?

I find it hard to believe you didn't expect to add anyone else when you claim you tried to "win my wife to it" which I presume means you tried to get her to go for it.

While that may be YOUR fantasy, maybe it's not HERS to open herself up sexually to some random mouth breather so you can get your jollies from it.


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## _anonymous_ (Apr 18, 2016)

You need to determine what it most important to you. Is it kinky sex? Or, is it your wife? The two seem mutually exclusive here.

The longer you indulge your wants of a fantasy sex life in private (through porn), the longer your prolong your torment. Your wife will never go for it.

If she is truly important to you (as you say), drop the porn like the bad habit that it is. This vice is diverting your desires away from her and weakening your relationship. 

It sounds like you can have a normal sex life with her if you ease up on all the kinkiness. Unless she has become a complete religious wacko and is abstaining completely, why not enjoy intimacy with her, as she feels comfortable with? 

Woman you Love + Normal Sex Life > Kinky Sex with Other People (AND/OR) Kinky Porn


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## FeelingBetrayed (Apr 17, 2017)

I personally think that your porn addiction is a problem. Your wife will NEVER be able to meet the unrealistic expectation of what porn is. Porn is fake - they get paid. It's damaging to a relationship. It sounds like it has already damaged your relationship since you say the porn turns you on, not your wife. Have you ever considered not watching porn and instead focusing on sex with your wife?


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## FeelingBetrayed (Apr 17, 2017)

Cuckold1967 said:


> Hi William and HappySnappy,
> 
> You are both right to put it like you did - I may not coerce intentionally, but her knowing what turns me on and her not being tuned to provide that must have put her at odds with our sexlife. At the same time, as years have moved on and we are now at the beginning of our fifties, I have gradually developed difficulty of the physical sort satisfying HER needs in bed too, conventional as those needs may be, but still they require me to perform in ways I have gradually grown out of or lost the virility for, and my physical lack of endowment now affects me harder than it already did in younger years. So, you may see things in a slightly less harsh way towards me when you become aware that there are two sides to the incompatibility and it's not only my demands on her but her demands on me that have been posing increasing problems. Her interest in sex with me has not declined because I put pressure on her to be different, but because my being different from what she wants in a man has made me seem less stimulating to her even more than she may be a "disappointment" for me.
> 
> ...


Leave her or leave the porn? The answer seems simple to me. You say you love your wife and adore for for certain reasons. Drop the porn and focus on her. Focus on bettering your relationship. Have you gone to a therapist for porn addiction?


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## Cuckold1967 (Apr 14, 2017)

_anonymous_ said:


> You need to determine what it most important to you. Is it kinky sex? Or, is it your wife? The two seem mutually exclusive here.
> 
> The longer you indulge your wants of a fantasy sex life in private (through porn), the longer your prolong your torment. Your wife will never go for it.
> 
> ...


Thanks anonymous, what you advise is exactly my resolve; I just need to get that on the way and stick to it, hich has proven hard in recent years.


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## Cuckold1967 (Apr 14, 2017)

FeelingBetrayed said:


> Leave her or leave the porn? The answer seems simple to me. You say you love your wife and adore for for certain reasons. Drop the porn and focus on her. Focus on bettering your relationship. Have you gone to a therapist for porn addiction?


Indeed, right you are and so I will try.
As to the porn addiction I certainly have, I will try and overcome it on my own. I can't "hide" going to a therapist and I don't want to out myself to the health system either. Anyway: I can and have actually read up on how to overcome addiction in general and porn addiction in particular; I just haven't followed through with giving it a try yet.


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## Cuckold1967 (Apr 14, 2017)

FeelingBetrayed said:


> I personally think that your porn addiction is a problem. Your wife will NEVER be able to meet the unrealistic expectation of what porn is. Porn is fake - they get paid. It's damaging to a relationship. It sounds like it has already damaged your relationship since you say the porn turns you on, not your wife. Have you ever considered not watching porn and instead focusing on sex with your wife?


Porn may be fake in that it is paid, but it also possible to LIKE what is being played there for money. And it is visible to me that quite a few actors and actresses actually enjoy (some of) the porn they perform. - And I must admit that porn turns me on more than my wife does, and I can enjoy it for hours and days before I "have to" cum, and then it's really something! Sex with my wife has almost always been short and monotonous, without anything playful and light about it.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I've got nothing against porn in general, but like alcohol it can be abused. OP - you are an addict. In the same way that its OK to have a glass of wine at dinner, but not OK to end up on the street with a bottle of thunderbird in a paper bag, its OK to watch some porn for fantasy / novelty, but its not OK when it interferes with your marriage. 

I've got lots of kinky fantasies. I sometimes watch porn to indulge them, but I know its not real. I may ask my wife to try to indulge a fantasy, but I don't *expect* her to, and happily accept her letting me know that its not something she is in to doing

I do have a problem with my sex life at home, but its not a lack fantasy sex, but a lack of what most people would consider pretty standard sexual activities for loving couples. 


If you did find someone to indulge your fantasy, you would likely go on to ever more extreme things. Thats how addiction works.


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## Cuckold1967 (Apr 14, 2017)

uhtred said:


> I've got nothing against porn in general, but like alcohol it can be abused. OP - you are an addict. In the same way that its OK to have a glass of wine at dinner, but not OK to end up on the street with a bottle of thunderbird in a paper bag, its OK to watch some porn for fantasy / novelty, but its not OK when it interferes with your marriage.
> 
> I've got lots of kinky fantasies. I sometimes watch porn to indulge them, but I know its not real. I may ask my wife to try to indulge a fantasy, but I don't *expect* her to, and happily accept her letting me know that its not something she is in to doing
> 
> ...


Hi uhtred, thanks for your comment, which I feel is right. I am an addict, and with or without a wife to indulge in my fantasies with me, I guess I will (or we would, if things were so) have to be very careful not to go to far with the fantasies and never be able to find back to normal sex - the only type of sex I can get "at home". Of course, compared to my increasingly "vried" fantasies, "home sex" appears decreasingly attractive. A vicious circle - the pun is intended!


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Cuckold1967 said:


> ..... I guess I will (or we would, if things were so) have to be very careful not to go to far with the fantasies and never be able to find back to normal sex - the only type of sex I can get "at home". Of course, compared to my increasingly "vried" fantasies, "home sex" appears decreasingly attractive.....


May I suggest that you do some introspection on what sex should mean to you and what you view your fetishes providing to you.

Are your fetishes only for your gratification and not your wife's? Is that something that bodes well for a long term relationship? 

One of the things that the Sex Therapist that saved my marriage had my wife and I do, was to visualize what marriage and our sex life would be in 5 years, 10 years, 20 years, etc.

You might want to assume that you will be married to your wife in 20- 50 years and ask yourself what will your marriage look like. Then think about your sex life. Then think about what you would really like WITH your wife that would make her happy and bring you pleasure and closer together. 

Most men need intimacy (not raw sex) with emotional connection. Do you want to feel emotionally connected to your wife? If the two of you are bonded together and emotionally connected, how can you take little steps (right now) to move in that direction?

There is an interesting book written by women for women call Still Sexy after All These Years. It is based on interviews with women over the age of 50 who for one reason or an other (widow, medical condition, divorce, husband's medical condition, other) don't have a traditional sex partner and how these older women maintain their sense of sensuality and sexuality. Not for the feign of heart and at times depressing reading, but also inspirational.

So when you are 95 years old and living in a retirement assisted living facility with your wife, what do you want your sex life or intimacy with your wife to be like? Imagine that you move around your unit with the help of a walker as does your wife, that both of you have little flexibility and you have a medicine induced impotence. Is your image of intimacy realistic enough to survive that? What might be realistic considering any medical conditions that run in your or your wife's family? What can you start learning to enjoy now that will help hold the two of you together emotionally for the rest of your lives?

The time to start preparing for 80's and 90's is when you are much younger.

My suggestion it to really apologize to your wife, tell her you want to build and strengthen your marriage with her. 

Good luck.


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## Cuckold1967 (Apr 14, 2017)

Young at Heart said:


> May I suggest that you do some introspection on what sex should mean to you and what you view your fetishes providing to you.
> 
> Are your fetishes only for your gratification and not your wife's? Is that something that bodes well for a long term relationship?
> 
> ...


THANKS, your letter and advice have been appreciated and noted in my private folder on my PC, as I do with all the useful advice that I have the chance to collect here - this being the first serious site I find, - everything else I did use was frequently mainly, as it turned out, by sex addicts like me! - I have copy-pasted all the meaningful contributions to my issue in a word doc.


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## Cuckold1967 (Apr 14, 2017)

DEAR ALL,

thanks for all your comments and advice, all of it has been appreciated!

You don't need to write any more as I will no longer check this post out but rather get started on improving myself and my marriage:
Reduce porn gradually to a minimum that does not qualify for addiction or excessive use any more (quantity to be determined).
(Yes, I now, ZERO from the start would be ideal, but I want to set targets I CAN realistically realize rather than fail quickly and relapse totally.)
Approach my wife sensitively for intimacy, cuddling and ... sex. And during sex: no talk of cockrings, vibrators, chastity cages, 
let alone bring any of these toys to bed in the first place. Just the normal sex she cherishes and used to find sufficient.
Of course, I will have to shape up in relation to penetrative sex because I've lost stamina and sensitivity (the latter due to masturbation),
so I had erection problems already when we did have sex on occasions the past year (2016) - this year only once in January!

Voilà, I leave it to this and will return here say at the end of August to report back to those interested.

Thanks again and all the best to you, too.

Jean 1967


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