# Is it ok for your husband to chat online with a bunch of women?



## striving

So my husband chats A LOT online (on Facebook) with other women. He justifies them by explaining they are from his childhood home, from a school he went to, a distant cousin of a cousin, etc. But it really hurts. Especially when he and I don't hardly ever talk, let alone go on dates, etc, etc. He finally stopped erasing all the conversations, since I talked to him about it a few months ago by asking what he had to hide, etc. I don't understand why he keeps close contact with all these women...why not any guy friends? And I ask myself, of my buddies that I have held dear in the past (not dating, just good friends)...would I chat with any of them like that? And the answer is no, because geez, that's just awkward - especially when they're married! And wouldn't I feel just sick if the wife got online or something? It would be awkward and embarrassing! So what's the deal with my husband doing this all the time? Am I blowing this out of proportion?

He's SO HARD to talk to, b/c he usually explodes, gets mad, puts his laptop away (only lasts a day or two till he gets it out again), etc. So I have to think long and hard before I bring something up. Today I was going to suggest we run to the bedroom, but when I saw him sitting there w/ a huge grin on his face while chatting w/ 3 different women on FB, I just felt sick and I couldnt say it.

Another reason I don't chat with guy friends online is because I don't trust my feelings. I'm so vulnerable, hurt, lonely, with gaping wounds...if any guy were to even smile at me and say hi, I just might jump on him and beg him to take me away.  (just kidding) So it worries me b/c we have a bad marriage and I wonder how much satisfaction he's getting out of these chats.

Anybody else have a spouse with good friends of the opposite sex, or spending time chatting online with them?


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## Syrum

He is cheating. Maybe not physically but definitely emotionally.

If he explodes, perhaps write him an email explaining your feelings.

I am afraid that unless you are afraid to make ultimatums and follow them through, that his behaviour will continueand he may even chat on you, as EA's usually end in PA's. 

I would tell him that he is putting a lot of effort and time into freindships with women, that he should be putting into your relationship if he really loves you. Then I would ask for marriage counseling and a commitment to change. Tell him that it's not negotiable, and if he isn't willing to do that then tell him you are prepared to start a new life without him.


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## striving

I usually try to stick to the Bible, and I can't find where ultimatums between spouses might be backed up...? And I'm not leaving. Unless he were to have a PA, then I would. We have kids.

We actually have gone to 4 sessions of marriage counseling but every time has been a disaster on the way home afterwards. Last session the counselor asked him if he thought he just might be lazy (he would never do his share of the homework). No one has ever, ever said anything negative to my husband...on the contrary, any congregation he's worked with (he's a pastor) praises him and thinks he's the best person ever. So that's the kind of ego he's got goin' for him.

After the last session I was driving and crying on the way home and he got so mad that I was crying, that he opened the car door to jump out - not to harm himself at all, but to threaten to get out of the car and go home on his own. Long story, but I tried so hard to plead with him and ask him what did I do wrong and could he just think about what he's doing, etc. Anyways he told me not to talk about it so I've been so traumatized and will find it very hard to be intimate again. Though it's not the first time that he's acted like he's going to jump out of the car (again, he would never hurt himself...super high ego...but as a threat to me). Loooooooong story. Whatever.


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## Syrum

I hate to be blunt, but he knows your not going any where, he's actually emotionally abusive, and it's never going to change. he has some serious issues, and is obviously only concerned about himself. 

Nothing is ever going to change, you will have all the days, weeks, months and years ahead to enjoy more of the same.


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## PFTGuy

If he enjoys chatting online, or exchanging flirtacious messages by email, I suggest you try to communicate with him through that medium. He's trying to meet some need that isn't being satisfied in your relationship...if you can find a way to be involved with meeting his need, I think you may have better luck solving the problem. I base this suggestion on my own experience, being the guy who was chatting online with women and knowing why I did it, and on a book about marriage called "His Needs, Her Needs." Maybe I'm wrong, maybe it wouldn't work in your case, but it's just a thought and I hope it helps in some way. Good luck...


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

Nope, it would not be okay with me. My hubby and I agreed that continual causal chatting with opposite sex was not okay in our marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cb45

*O*bviously in a healthy rel'shp, chatting with women wouldnt be a big deal, depending on the conversation methinks, & the time invested ( & divested from time spent with u). :sleeping: 

in yer case, it seems not. but that aint gonna stop him as he knows what he can get away with, with YOU. 

Or...

maybe he doesnt know? 

Thats entirely up to you, no?  

go "get/sick 'em tiger!!!!!!" :smthumbup:


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## bettbailey

This is definitely a conversation we have had in our home. My husband is a "flirty" type and it gets worse the older he gets. He is 42 and the last couple of years it has gotten so much worse. He was "chatting" or responding to posts by other women, one being an ex-fiance... I asked him why he felt the need to talk to other women, especially if they were from his past. He didn't have an answer. I don't think it is any need you are not meeting nor do I think it sounds like emotional abuse... Men and women alike want to feel like they are still attractive to other men and women. That is why we spend so much time on working out, applying make up and dressing nice. We don't want another mate, just to think we still look good/still "have it". Aging has a way of making us feel insecure. Online relationships (flirting/chatting) can become emotional affairs very easily, but I do not agree that you should end it due to that. However, it does need to stop. Many relationships end due to online "chatting" sessions, so be very careful not to allow yourself to think it is harmless. Affairs usually begin with feeling understood and connected emotionally... As a Pastor, he should see this type of thing often enough to see its' dangers and know that loving and cherishing a spouse is as much about respecting their feelings as well as meeting their physical needs. I'm praying wisdom and discernment for you both.


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## boto227

striving said:


> So my husband chats A LOT online (on Facebook) with other women. He justifies them by explaining they are from his childhood home, from a school he went to, a distant cousin of a cousin, etc. But it really hurts. Especially when he and I don't hardly ever talk, let alone go on dates, etc, etc. He finally stopped erasing all the conversations, since I talked to him about it a few months ago by asking what he had to hide, etc. I don't understand why he keeps close contact with all these women...why not any guy friends? And I ask myself, of my buddies that I have held dear in the past (not dating, just good friends)...would I chat with any of them like that? And the answer is no, because geez, that's just awkward - especially when they're married! And wouldn't I feel just sick if the wife got online or something? It would be awkward and embarrassing! So what's the deal with my husband doing this all the time? Am I blowing this out of proportion?
> 
> He's SO HARD to talk to, b/c he usually explodes, gets mad, puts his laptop away (only lasts a day or two till he gets it out again), etc. So I have to think long and hard before I bring something up. Today I was going to suggest we run to the bedroom, but when I saw him sitting there w/ a huge grin on his face while chatting w/ 3 different women on FB, I just felt sick and I couldnt say it.
> 
> Another reason I don't chat with guy friends online is because I don't trust my feelings. I'm so vulnerable, hurt, lonely, with gaping wounds...if any guy were to even smile at me and say hi, I just might jump on him and beg him to take me away.  (just kidding) So it worries me b/c we have a bad marriage and I wonder how much satisfaction he's getting out of these chats.
> 
> Anybody else have a spouse with good friends of the opposite sex, or spending time chatting online with them?


No it isn.t, I am now in the middle of a marriage wreck site, that started with Facebook, which has not yielded proof positive, but has left a trail of smoking guns that have only resulted in my wife and I going fully toxic because she will not have engagement about this despite her lies being coming out on several occasions. It is simple to an honest person, man or woman, if you want to demote your husband /wife to that level of disrespect, wait till the injured party is asleep, leave, live with your lies and dishonesty, move to an uninhabited spot on Earth and stay there till you realise the incredible damage you are capable on another Human Being!!!!!!!!


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## striving

PFTGuy said:


> If he enjoys chatting online, or exchanging flirtacious messages by email, I suggest you try to communicate with him through that medium. He's trying to meet some need that isn't being satisfied in your relationship...if you can find a way to be involved with meeting his need, I think you may have better luck solving the problem. I base this suggestion on my own experience, being the guy who was chatting online with women and knowing why I did it, and on a book about marriage called "His Needs, Her Needs." Maybe I'm wrong, maybe it wouldn't work in your case, but it's just a thought and I hope it helps in some way. Good luck...


Yeahhhh....sighhhh...then we go back to the ugly and almost impossible task of give and give and give...acting flirtatious or chatting with him or whatever...when I don't feel the least bit of attraction to him whatsoever, and in fact feel very traumatized and in a deep pit of struggling so hard to love someone that seems unloveable. And to my credit, I've tried things like that before...I've texted him, hid pictures of myself (yes, those kinds of pictures) in his wallet, sent him emails, etc...he hates texting and won't text back, and won't chat with me or engage in my attempts. But again, I havent made those efforts every day for the past 11+ years, so maybe I lose points for lack of perseverance.


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## striving

bettbailey said:


> As a Pastor, he should see this type of thing often enough to see its' dangers and know that loving and cherishing a spouse is as much about respecting their feelings as well as meeting their physical needs. I'm praying wisdom and discernment for you both.


Yeah, you'd think. Hugest most painful deception of my life...to think that a pastor would have a conscience great enough to try to "practice what he preaches." I know pastors are ordinary men, same struggles, etc., I suppose I just thought that he would live more of what he knows to be true, more than the average Joe. I did catch him sex-chatting once online - he lied fiercely about it for a good 24 hours before he had to tell me the truth b/c I stood my ground and knew he was lying. I don't believe that's happened again. I think in HIS mind, these chats with women friends are harmless...but of course I know good and well where it can lead to. Especially for the women who are enjoying his attentions.

I guess (???) I'll talk to him about it? It's not gonna be pretty though...meaning, his reaction. I'm not the kind to yell and cry and slam doors. I speak quiet and think a while before I say something (during serious conversations). He's going to be mad and cancel his Facebook account or something stupid and unnecessary, probably react in his usual fatalist/pessimistic way. Yay me. Can't wait. What fun.


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## striving

So I talked to him and of course it turned into an argument - not as bad as other arguments at least. He said he didnt know that when he got married he'd have to renounce all his friendships, and other dumb irrational things like that. But in the end he said ok fine, he won't chat with women on FB anymore, if it bothers me, still insisting he doesn't see anything wrong with it. And I just checked and I don't see much chatting, except it bothers me that he erased the conversation he had with one woman that was the longest and most involved conversation. Makes me wonder if he said something else to her and then erased the whole thing.

Meanwhile it continues to agonize me - the haunting from my past (see other thread) and the longing to have the wonderful, in-love, date-night, vacation/anniversary gettaway kind of marriage that my high school sweetheart seems to have with his wife. Ugh!


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## annagarret

ahhh NO its not right. Is he Christian? what is he getting online that he can't get at home?


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## striving

Worse. He's a pastor.

I hate to give a bad name to pastors, and I'm not. Don't judge all pastors by the behavior of my husband. Just a side note. 

I've read the chats. At least once he stopped deleting them. They are just chit-chat. I didn't perceive much flirtation. Maybe he's just looking for what I'm looking for - a human connection, a friend, someone to talk to.

You'd have to read my other thread maybe to catch up on the whole story. Summary: rotten marriage.


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## annagarret

striving said:


> Worse. He's a pastor.
> 
> I hate to give a bad name to pastors, and I'm not. Don't judge all pastors by the behavior of my husband. Just a side note.
> 
> I've read the chats. At least once he stopped deleting them. They are just chit-chat. I didn't perceive much flirtation. Maybe he's just looking for what I'm looking for - a human connection, a friend, someone to talk to.
> 
> You'd have to read my other thread maybe to catch up on the whole story. Summary: rotten marriage.


I am sorry, I didn't mean to judge. Men and women, pastors and their wives alike , we all are just humans......with all the same kinds of trials.

I know from my hubby and I being friends with our pastor and his wife that it is a very , very lonely career for the two of you. You can help him by planning other activities away from the computer where he can chat, reach out to other pastors and their wives in a network for support or ,like our pastor says, I dont want to be part of the congregation on my time off and just go out with other people.......try local moms groups that have the same kind of values as you and take your hubby out, pretend you are having an affair with him....


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## striving

Thanks for the response and I didnt think you were judging to begin with...it was just a preemptive strike.  Yes, all human, all make mistakes.

It is painfully lonely. His first love has always been, and will always be the church. They love him and he adores them. They lift him on a pedestal and believe he can do no wrong. If they need something, he will come running - most often at the family's expense.

Our problems go deeper, and I wish it were as easy as simply taking all the initiatives (again and again) in romancing him or planning activities for him. It's been 12 yrs and that hasn't worked yet. Personally I have a solid friend base, tho I can't talk to them about marriage on this level - but they are wonderful girls that lift me up.

Thank you for your response.


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## EleGirl

Have you considered installing a keystroke monitor on his computer? I would not trust that he has stopped. He could just move to a different site.

My husband did a lot of chatting with women when we first married. Then he started to meet some of them and had PA's with a couple. Some of the women were in EA's with him. To him it was a game or an ego boost.

My rule is that if he ever does so much as chats online with a women he's out of here.


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## striving

It's a laptop, would that work on a laptop?

I'm really sorry about the affairs your husband had.


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## lonely_wife_

I am having the EXACT same problem! My husband and I have been married about 2 yrs now. After we were married, we got our first place together and moved in. Within one month I found him having an online affair with a girl overseas.. and chatting with loads of others - always on webcam etc. I HATED it. He tried to tell me his friend was the one doing it and whatever. I found out he'd been dating this girl online since before I even met him! He denied it and denied it for so long. Then tried to say he wasn't chatting to her any more. This went on for a year. Then when he was in hospital in January 2011 for 2 weeks, I paid for some internet on the dongle for him and I caught him STILL having the affair, saying he wanted to be with her and all this. 

Anyway, I STUPIDLY forgave him.

He has since done NOTHING to reinstall my trust. He chats on the internet ALL the time. He works overnight and has his laptop with him chatting on skype and facebook all night - for 10 hours! He will then come home and get on it again before going to bed. Then gets up, goes to work and starts again! He even sits on his laptop all day on his off days. He has no interest in doing anything with me. I asked him for TWO hours a week to do something special together, he said he could not understand what I was on about, said we're always home together. I said all we do is watch TV and you're always on your laptop. He refused to understand how quality time is important. 

Anyway, he will not stop chatting online. He comes from a different cultural background and he says they're his class mates from back home, they're his friends girlfriends - and says how can I be doing anything when they have boyfriends? Well, the girl he was having an affair with also had a boyfriend. Did that stop them? NO!

I don't believe a WORD of it. It is all excuses. He goes insane if I bring it up and ignores me. I get the silent treatment and then he says 'I don't have time for this conversation' and refuses to discuss it with me. 

Even if they're his "class mates" and his "friend's girlfriends" - that does not stop anything... and given his previous history I am pretty sure I know what he is up to. 

When he was having the affair online during 2010, I was sure something was going on, but he'd deny it and deny it and go crazy at me, he would shout and say "NO TRUST NO LOVE! If you don't trust me, then you don't love me!" - total emotional abuse and manipulation. He would tell me I'm mental and I need to be admitted to a mental home. He calls me stupid, tells me I can't use my brain. He shouts, rages, he gives me the silent treatment for days on end - he ignored me for 5 days once.. he is so self obsessed and can't stop looking in the mirror. He has delusions of grandeur and thinks he is amazing at everything - to the point he will sit and brag about himself for hours and put other people down to make himself feel better. NOTHING is EVER his fault, even when he is the one who has CLEARLY done something bad to someone else. There will be excuse after excuse as to why it was someone else's fault. I have pretty much figured out that he has Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

For the longest time I thought I was going insane, I thought I had bi-polar and all sorts! Then I read about Narcissistic Personality Disorder and I realised that it was him, not me!

The girl he had the affair with isn't the only one he was flirting with the entire time.

He also chats to girls on the phone but will NEVER call them when I'm around. He only does it when he's out or I'm not home. NEVER when I'm here. He says 'why do you need to know about them? they're my friends, I've known them longer than you'... 

Today it all blew up because he's been chatting to his "friend's girlfriend" on skype cam and I got so p*ssed off! I told him I'm sick of it, I got so upset and cried so much. He said he cannot see anything wrong with it and will never stop talking to whoever he wants to.

I asked him if he cares how it makes me feel, keeping in mind the history of him chatting online, and he said no, he does not care how it makes me feel because he is doing nothing wrong.

What else is there to do apart from divorce? I cannot live like this and he will not stop it. It is his choice, he can live with it.

He has made it CLEAR that chatting to women online is more important than making me feel happy and secure, trying to restore the trust and not keep opening up old wounds, more important than spending time with me and that he would rather do that than have a good, happy marriage. 

I am devastated. I invested EVERYTHING of myself into this man. I stood by him through everything, have given him everything and done everything for him. He is so blind. I tried SO hard to make my marriage work, but it never will because he does not care about me . He is a liar, an emotional abuser and a cheat 

And by the way, YES! A key logger DOES work on a laptop because in 2010 I KNEWWW something was going on but he would never admit it, so I installed one on his laptop and caught him at EVERYTHING. 

He speaks a different language as well as English and one day him and his friend were sitting on the sofa and he was showing his friend the girl's photos on her facebook page and I was sitting RIGHT across from him.. I knew because I was on my laptop watching what he was doing on the keylogger. I felt I had every right to know what was happening behind my back and I don't regret it for a MINUTE. I will NEVER regret doing it because I found out EXACTLY what type of person he is.

He has a new laptop now and he puts passwords on everything - even his mobile phone. Everything of his is private and he says he will only tell me things that he thinks I need to know, everything else is private and I don't need to know about it.

He has even said things like, if I ask him where he's going when he says 'i'm going out', he will say "why do you need to know? it's none of your business"... or he tells me he doesn't want me to know anything about his life.

I mean, HOW exactly is this a marriage? It's an abusive, insane, horrific dictatorship and I want OUT as soon as possible. I will not waste ONE more minute of my life on this....... this... narcissistic dictator.


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## lonely_wife_

oh, and the BEST keylogger I found was Keylogger, Remote Computer Monitoring, Keylogger Software | WebWatcher

Ok, so it costs a bit but it is AMAZING and can never be detected!... and it will definitely work on a laptop!


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## I Know

striving said:


> Thanks for the response and I didnt think you were judging to begin with...it was just a preemptive strike.  Yes, all human, all make mistakes.
> 
> It is painfully lonely. His first love has always been, and will always be the church. They love him and he adores them. They lift him on a pedestal and believe he can do no wrong. If they need something, he will come running - most often at the family's expense.
> 
> Our problems go deeper, and I wish it were as easy as simply taking all the initiatives (again and again) in romancing him or planning activities for him. It's been 12 yrs and that hasn't worked yet. Personally I have a solid friend base, tho I can't talk to them about marriage on this level - but they are wonderful girls that lift me up.
> 
> Thank you for your response.


No the chatting is not OK, normally. But your husbands profession is not a "normal" one. The very best preachers, ministers are like your husband. They are charismatic. They are there anytime anywhere for anyone. It's part of building a strong church. So to some extent attracting female possible congregants is part of the job. 

BUT sex chatting online? That's out of bounds. Practically speaking divorce is very bad for the careers of ministers. If he does not come clean with you, you may have to use the threat of divorce. Keep up w/ the MC.


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## Noel1987

Yeah it do matters alot If I will do the same i will be killed brutally


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## Lostwouthim

MIne's done that for years, he just recently told me he wanted a divorce 2 weeks ago and then I had to dig to find out about his EA that's turned PA. I don't think that he thought that I was that smart to uncover the truth. ONLine chatting is not always alright especially if you ever find the other person hiding information. IT's an emotional affair - Why aren't you getting his emotions- your his wife! That's one of the issues between my husband and I we lost that emotional connection when we didn't grieve with each other. Good Luck, build a new you! I just keep telling myself he's made the decision and it's going to be her, even if I have some hope, because I can't give him that power of control anymore and I have no idea how things are going to turn out for the future.


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## dallasapple

I dont know if its O.K for your husband to chat with many women online all the time but its nto O.K for my husband to..Sounds like you arent O.K with it so thats your answer..

Oh but especially if he had no interest in chattign with ME or taking me out...

I knwo some people can be irrationally jealous ...but others are righteously jealous and thats what I would catergorize you as based on what you have said..

Dallas


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## badbane

just read op and my answer is "" uuuuuuuhhhhh NOOOOooooo"""


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## bahbahsheep

I dont like your husband.
I don't care if he is a pastor or if he is well respected in the church...for as long as he does not cherish his woman in his household, he is not a real man

and to threaten to jump out of a car to get home by himself? 

well isn't that a form of emotional blackmail?!

and if divorce will reflect badly on him, why cant he just make an effort to mend things?
At least he wont need to go through the suffering that both of you have to go through.


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## Bellavista

To be honest, this sounds like a huge out of control ego problem. 
A pastor especially has to be careful of his friendships with other women, they are in a vunerable position where women will tell them their problems. Things can get out of hand very quickly, especially with a huge ego thrown in.
I have seen & heard it so many times, a pastor who is constantly praised & lifted up (more than the God they claim to represent), begins to think they alone are the reason for the church to exist.
I have no answer for you, except to pray. This may have to get worse before he comes to repentance, as he has to realise how bad his behaviour is.


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## CallaLily

This post was from 2011, hope they have worked out something by now.


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## noelle

I did not read the entire thread so I am not aware if there are any new developments. I do not think it is "okay" but in my opinion I think you should pray on it and allow God to convict your husband to stop. Keep praying and trusting in the Lord.
Don't do anything!!

Exodus 14:14 The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.

1 Peter 2:18-3:7 Slaves, in reverent fear of God submit yourselves to your masters, not only to those who are good and considerate, but also to those who are harsh. For it is commendable if someone bears up under the pain of unjust suffering because they are conscious of God. But how is it to your credit if you receive a beating for doing wrong and endure it? But if you suffer for doing good and endure it, this is commendable before God. To this you were called, because Christ suffered for you, leaving you an example, that you should follow in his steps. "He committed no sin, and no deceit was found in his mouth." When they hurled their insults at him, he did not retaliate; when he suffered, he made no threats. Instead, he entrusted himself to him who judges justly. "He himself bore our sins" in his body on the cross, so that we might die to sins and live in righteousness; "by his wounds you have been healed." For "you were like sheep going astray," but now you have returned to the Shepherd and Overseer of your souls.
Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to adorn themselves. They submitted themselves to their own husbands, like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her lord. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear. Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.


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## Hira

It's bad and you have to attract him towards yourself, as such things happen only when your husband has lost attraction towards you.


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## 45188

striving said:


> So my husband chats A LOT online (on Facebook) with other women. He justifies them by explaining they are from his childhood home, from a school he went to, a distant cousin of a cousin, etc. But it really hurts. Especially when he and I don't hardly ever talk, let alone go on dates, etc, etc. He finally stopped erasing all the conversations, since I talked to him about it a few months ago by asking what he had to hide, etc. I don't understand why he keeps close contact with all these women...why not any guy friends? And I ask myself, of my buddies that I have held dear in the past (not dating, just good friends)...would I chat with any of them like that? And the answer is no, because geez, that's just awkward - especially when they're married! And wouldn't I feel just sick if the wife got online or something? It would be awkward and embarrassing! So what's the deal with my husband doing this all the time? Am I blowing this out of proportion?
> 
> He's SO HARD to talk to, b/c he usually explodes, gets mad, puts his laptop away (only lasts a day or two till he gets it out again), etc. So I have to think long and hard before I bring something up. Today I was going to suggest we run to the bedroom, but when I saw him sitting there w/ a huge grin on his face while chatting w/ 3 different women on FB, I just felt sick and I couldnt say it.
> 
> Another reason I don't chat with guy friends online is because I don't trust my feelings. I'm so vulnerable, hurt, lonely, with gaping wounds...if any guy were to even smile at me and say hi, I just might jump on him and beg him to take me away.  (just kidding) So it worries me b/c we have a bad marriage and I wonder how much satisfaction he's getting out of these chats.
> 
> Anybody else have a spouse with good friends of the opposite sex, or spending time chatting online with them?



http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/49802-pointers-ladies.html I will just point you to this thread right here..


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## Gmoyer3292

I am going through this right now with my wife. I confronted her and
she refuses to stop. quote we are just friends.


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## Serif

Things like this aren't harmless... they harm you.

There IS an emotional connection there, he is giving them something that belongs to you.

The anger is a defense mechanism to protect himself. The long and short comes to this. In his vows, he probably said something along the lines of "forsake all others". Is he a man of his word or not?
You DO get to challenge his behaviour on two separate grounds: 1) As a wife you have the right to demand more attention and focus than other women. 2) As a fellow believer you have the duty to call him on behaviour that doesn't fit Biblically. 
How does it not fit Biblically? Well... I'm going to do a whole new thread about husbandly duties. Quick version, when he married you he gave up his rights to protect himself AHEAD of you. At the very most it can be equal protection.

This thread hits close to home. I was a pastor, I resigned due to emotional stress. But in amongst all that I was too emotionally connected to a young woman in our church. Upon realizing that I was I broke all connections with her, but looking back I kick myself again and again. If I had observed my attitude in anyone else, I would have spotted the danger immediately and advised them. Yet with myself, I did not see my own heart-sickness. In fact, and this may sound rather familiar... I got rather angry when my wife expressed her feelings on the matter, maintaining that she was a sister/ daughter to me. I almost wrecked my marriage because I wouldn't let people talk to me about it. By the grace of God I saw clearly... but man do I get angry at myself from time to time for not seeing what I should have!

Peace to you sister.


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## jenimarie

striving said:


> So my husband chats A LOT online (on Facebook) with other women. He justifies them by explaining they are from his childhood home, from a school he went to, a distant cousin of a cousin, etc. But it really hurts. Especially when he and I don't hardly ever talk, let alone go on dates, etc, etc. He finally stopped erasing all the conversations, since I talked to him about it a few months ago by asking what he had to hide, etc. I don't understand why he keeps close contact with all these women...why not any guy friends? And I ask myself, of my buddies that I have held dear in the past (not dating, just good friends)...would I chat with any of them like that? And the answer is no, because geez, that's just awkward - especially when they're married! And wouldn't I feel just sick if the wife got online or something? It would be awkward and embarrassing! So what's the deal with my husband doing this all the time? Am I blowing this out of proportion?
> 
> He's SO HARD to talk to, b/c he usually explodes, gets mad, puts his laptop away (only lasts a day or two till he gets it out again), etc. So I have to think long and hard before I bring something up. Today I was going to suggest we run to the bedroom, but when I saw him sitting there w/ a huge grin on his face while chatting w/ 3 different women on FB, I just felt sick and I couldnt say it.
> 
> Another reason I don't chat with guy friends online is because I don't trust my feelings. I'm so vulnerable, hurt, lonely, with gaping wounds...if any guy were to even smile at me and say hi, I just might jump on him and beg him to take me away.  (just kidding) So it worries me b/c we have a bad marriage and I wonder how much satisfaction he's getting out of these chats.
> 
> Anybody else have a spouse with good friends of the opposite sex, or spending time chatting online with them?


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## jenimarie

no its not ok! ~


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## DT4379

No its not okay its a form of cheating


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