# Self-help...?



## daison (Mar 3, 2011)

I have no idea what I'm doing!? I've been married for 6 years this year, been together 12. We have a 2 year old daughter who is amazing and I'm 6 months pregnant (which could well be the problem!?)

I feel really lost in my own head. My husband is for the most part an amazing person. He's by no means perfect but we enjoy being with each other. The problem here is definitely mine - but I don't know how to fix it!

I have this insane imagination. If I have to do some sort of self analysis of it I would say it's some sort of defense mechanism I developed growing up. Anyways, it's ridiculous to the point where I can bring myself to full on tears imagining worst case scenarios for no reason whatsoever. It makes no sense to me because I feel like I 100% trust my husband no matter what. He's given me no reason to ever doubt him or question the things that he does.

It's starting to cause fights in my marriage as my husband has in the last year and a half or so started a new job where he is away from home/the phone more often. Prior to this we worked side by side and lived together so there was never really any "down time". Now if he doesn't or is unable to contact me when he says he will I come up with the STUPIDEST scenarios in my head - anything from car crashes to strip clubs to muggings - and get myself so worked up that I'm in tears by the time he calls (only to tell me that the job site has no cell service).

Does anybody have any sort of...coping mechanisms to deal with, or preferably fix this. I'm a christian so I try to pray my way through it but it's just not working for me. Because I KNOW that he's ok/not doing anything wrong....so why pray about it? I'll pray to not worry about it but I'm starting to think the only way to deal with that is to tune right out and go to sleep. Which any mom knows isn't really possible with a 2 year old.

It's starting to get really bad. I don't want to lose what I have with my husband, or stress out my daughter and unborn baby. 

What a stupid thing to ask. I seriously have no idea what to do


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

What you are worrying is very normal. 

It also shows that you and your husband have a loving relationship, so you are thinking about him all the time. 

The problem is you are not living together, the physical distance is causing stress. I think it is not good for you especially now you are pregnant. 

If you can't move and live with him together, there is really little you can do to change his side. And telling yourself not to worry is difficult, few people can do that, especially for a couple who are in love. I can't do that. 

keeping yourself busy, supporting your husband by being strong, focusing on your two-year old and teaching her, spending time with friends and family, reading.................................


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## daison (Mar 3, 2011)

I should have been a little clearer, sorry  We do now live together! April 1st I moved to the city he is working in. He hasn't been working since we've been back but went to another city for some safety training in his field. So we've had a month and a half of being together all the time again, and now the first time he's away for a couple days I'm back at it again.

He thinks it's a trust issue, and I'm starting to believe it is even though I don't FEEL like I have a trust issue. Probably more likely to be some sort of insecurity issue. 

I'm glad you feel its good to worry lol. He doesn't think it's such a great thing, especially not when I can't even control myself and start jumping to stupid conclusions.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

daison said:


> I should have been a little clearer, sorry  We do now live together! April 1st I moved to the city he is working in. He hasn't been working since we've been back but went to another city for some safety training in his field. So we've had a month and a half of being together all the time again, and now the first time he's away for a couple days I'm back at it again.
> 
> He thinks it's a trust issue, and I'm starting to believe it is even though I don't FEEL like I have a trust issue. Probably more likely to be some sort of insecurity issue.
> 
> I'm glad you feel its good to worry lol. He doesn't think it's such a great thing, especially not when I can't even control myself and start jumping to stupid conclusions.


A lot of women are struggling with insecurity issues. It is not a good feeling. 

It IS a trust issue, you can help yourself by being more confident, but your husband has to help you by being precise. 

As human, we often struggle with a lot of our weaknesses, few people can really live a life easy and carefree. 

We can only do our best. Just read something yesterday, change what we can change, and accept what we can't change. 

But there is one thing I have to mention, doubting yourself, doubting your husband, doubting your relationship, all these things won't help you strengthen your relationship with your husband, on the contrary, it does a lot of damage, I think you know that very well.


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## JJG (Mar 9, 2011)

greenpearl said:


> What you are worrying is very normal


I have to disagree. I do not think it is normal to have this reaction when seperated from someone for only a short amount of time. 

You mention in your first post that the pregnancy may be the problem. Where you very hormonal/emotional during your first pregnancy? Would seeing the doctor help?

Do you have many outside interests or hobbies that keep you busy when your husband is not there?

Has he ever given you cause to doubt his fidelity?


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Just curious, are all of these imaginings related to fears while he is away? Are there other areas where you let the fears get out of hand?

My wife struggles with bipolar disorder, which is different, I know, but shares some of the same 'imagined fears'. Exxagerated feelings, regardless, can wear you two down. In my wife's case, she'll become convinced that I'm thinking or doing something, and her response is hurtful, at times. Medication helps somewhat, and its worth seeing a doctor to investigate options for helping you cope with these fears.

What's more common with us is for her to maybe notice that I missed the laundry chute with a dirty shirt, and begin to fume in anger because I'm trying to make a statement about how little I respect her as a person. I'd get home to an angry rant about how I am the worst excuse for a husband in the world. When I would explain that I missed the chute because I was getting dressed in the dark to keep from disturbing her, since she had a migraine the night before, the whole thing was just dropped, but the anger stayed.

Hopefully, you can see how tiring continual false assumptions can be. In your case, its obvious that you love him very much, and the fear is driven from your connection. But it is greatly exxagerated. Unless he has given you reason to doubt him, just talk to your doctor and see if there are optons to help you cope as you overcome this fear.

Hopefully, your church doesn't just attribute all of these types of fears to spiritual weakness. My wife avoided real help because too many told her that these kinds of things were just spiritual weakness.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

I suggest you speak to a medical doctor because you may have an anxiety disorder. These are relatively easy to treat but your pregnancy may complicate things. There's a couple of books by a Dr. David Burns, the Feel Good book and Feel Good Handbook, or something like that, which could help you begin to deal with your anxiety until such a time meds are ok. Look into it. Your obsession with loss is a clue to your condition and you can get help if you open up to your doc. Good luck.


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## gottago (Apr 27, 2011)

I agree with Sisters! Sounds like spot-on anxiety and I would recognize that anywhere. I had it too while and after I was pregnant both times. But mine was focused on my children. I would have these waking, horrible daydreams that some god-awful person would try to sneak into the girls' windows and do terrible things to them. And that was only one of many terrifying thougts I had to chase out of my head day in and day out. Irrational, and unfounded fear. I know exactly how you feel. Keep on w/ the praying technique (pray for peace and calm from w/in) and maybe ask your OBGYN about using natural sedatitves, like perhaps chamomile tea or whatever s/he thinks is best. 
I know this is so hard and its probably just due to hormones. You'll get through it. I did. Good luck!


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## daison (Mar 3, 2011)

You guys might be on to something  I usually do these things when he's away. But I often do do things like Halien said his wife does - completely irrational anger over stupid things. But these are fewer and further between. He's never given me a reason to doubt him ever (even worse is that many years ago I did do something that could have given him reason to doubt me - and yet he completely trusts me now).

I've always had issues with insecurity so I just assume it stems from that but I really need help with figuring out how to deal with it because it's starting to drive him (understandably) crazy.

I thought I could relate it to the pregnancy because in all honesty it was an unexpected, and to some degree unwanted, pregnancy (entirely for selfish reasons). I'm apt to deliver early and so have to take it super early, all of my hobbies are high activity - hiking, sports, etc which means I can't do them. No friends in town(we just moved here April 1st), so it's also a new church to us and I'm not sure how comfortable I am with them yet to talk about this kind of stuff. If they tried to tell me it was spiritual weakness I wouldnt' return (which they might! the first sermon I went to was about how God wants EVERYONE to be healed and if you aren't healed it's USUALLY a faith issue....riiighhttt).

So the night of posting my initial post, I managed to talk to my husband about things over the phone a little more. We kind of talked about the chances of me being depressed and talking about it at my next doctors appointment. But anxiety might make more sense (I've never been depressed before - though it runs in my family). I just thought depression because of being in a new town, left behind ALL my support - family and friends, can't really get out etc.

So yesterday morning I went to a mom's group at a church near my house and then later on went and had coffee with some people I met and I felt A LOT better. Yesterday was actually an amazing day. 

Yet I'm sure that it will happen again. I've always imagined the worst things happening to loved ones (If you read my diary from grade 6 you would see that the day my grandparents dropped me off from my vacation at their house I broke down imagining what I would do if they died before I got to see them again).


My next doctor appointment is June 16th. It's with a new doctor but I will bring it up anyways and hopefully he can make some sort of suggestion. In the mean time I will check out that book your recommended, sisters. 

Funny how I always thought I was so healthy and normal and now looking back I can see that this was actually a major ongoing issue throughout my life....so weird.


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