# Newlywed on the rocks



## Mrs.Elliott (Nov 28, 2010)

My husband and i argue. i figured we would, we argued before we married, but people argue and i want to solve a problem when we talk about issues were having (majority of the problems are ones he has with me, thou most are understandable to discuss not bad enough to bring out such a response from him.)
I think he says things just to hurt me and doesnt care what comes out of his mouth. Then expects me to not fuel the fire more and bring the argument higher cuz im hurt. I just want to know how we can communicate better. He takes my disagreement of what he's saying so personally and he says its the way i said it hurt him first but id never mean to hurt him, but i dont back down when i feel confronted too strong. 
Does anyone know any methods of defusing an argument? and how we can heal this proper, cuz i after our recent fight i'm having trouble being as close with him. and thats important cuz were very close.


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## chefmaster (Oct 30, 2010)

Defusing an argument is much tougher than creating a healthy argument to begin with. Please check out: Making relationships work: The art of arguing


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

chefmaster said:


> Defusing an argument is much tougher than creating a healthy argument to begin with. Please check out: Making relationships work: The art of arguing


That is an EXCELLENT article! I have always felt arguing has much value. And this so explains WHY that is so true.

To truly communicate is to sometimes argue.


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

My husband and I used to have terrible fights, where dishes would be thrown.
This was during our engagement, when we had severe financial constraints to plan our wedding and controlling family on my side.
We eventually opted for what we wanted all along, a simple private ceremony. I also cut off my emotionally abusive, narcissistic mother.
We saw that our arguments were destructive and unhealthy. Now we make it a point for one of us to leave for an hour and take a break if it gets too heated.
We come back to the issue lovingly and calmly, expressing remorse for any harsh words and hold each other as we hash out the issue in a mature manner.
One of the tasks of marriage is to learn to handle inevitable conflict in a way that adds to the relationship.
It will take time, but it is possible if you are committed to growth together.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mrs.Elliott (Nov 28, 2010)

That was very helpful thanks so much. i even bookmarked it.

I know most of our arguments i dont want to have, and since he's ready to discuss them right then and i'm not, that a lot of the time i shut down and thats not solving anything. then i shut down and he keeps going thinking he's got an opening to tell me what he's upset about and all i want to do is drop it, till i'm upset he's still going on and on about something i didnt wanna discuss from second one. then i get snippy and he thinks that means i didnt care about what he's upset about. i keep telling him if he's upset about something small to remember it and well talk about them all at once, cuz after the 20th thing that day im so tired of being told what im doing wrong.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

I agree, ask him to give you 20-30 minutes to take a breather, and assure him you will return to the conversation when you're both in a better frame of mind.
I'm usually the one who wants to stick it out and my H shuts down. When he lets me know he will be back to resolve a concern later, Im more able to back off and let him cool down.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

A lot of times an argument is a person's way of trying to impose their will on the other. And too often the TOPIC gets argued about, and the ISSUE is not discussed. Then it becomes a communication problem. 
Let's play pretend...let's say that it's important to you to have your husband fill the car up with gas. It is simply something you really, really want him to do. He didn't do it, and the next time you went to drive the car it was almost empty and you had to put the gas in. So when you see him, chances are you're angry and arguing about him not putting the gas in the car. He's angry b/c he can't see what the big deal is. You can pump your own gas, right? 
If you explain to him that it's really important to you, and that you felt disrespected and that he didn't care enough for you to do this one little thing, then maybe you'd have a better chance of getting through to him instead of just griping about why he didn't put the gas in the car.
That might be a bad scenario, but you get my point. If you're arguing about something that there is no clear solution to, then you're going to have to simply come to a compromise. But it's important to discuss HOW you feel. Why whatever he did (or didn't do) upset you and how it made you feel. You might say "I know it seems really trivial, but it's important to me that you put the gas in the car. It helps me feel that you care about me". JUST AN EXAMPLE. 
And taking a break and thinking through the argument is a very good idea. Sometimes just cooling off allows cooler heads to prevail.


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## chefmaster (Oct 30, 2010)

Mrs.Elliott said:


> i keep telling him if he's upset about something small to remember it and well talk about them all at once, cuz after the 20th thing that day im so tired of being told what im doing wrong.


Still could use a bit more info:

Are these things he's saying you are doing wrong limited to a specific area like housecleaning or your attitude towards him?

The words that come out his mouth that hurt you during these arguments, on a scale of 1-10 how hurtful are they to you, and how loud does he get(are these calm, nagging type of discussions or an 'I'm about to blow my top!' kind of thing?

When you say "we are very close" what areas of your lives together are you very close in? Does he have complaints in these areas also or are these areas left alone?


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