# Life events in your ex's family (but still yours, too...)



## TooNice

When my ex and I split 2.5 years ago, his grandmother passed away just before we reached a point where he'd have to tell her. I moved out, and he started bringing the GF to family stuff. But didn't really tell his grandpa... other family members told me later that Grandpa just looked very confused at the appearance of this new woman, and the disappearance of me.

I have not seen most of my ex's family since we split, with the exception of his brothers and their wives a few times. Grandpa, my FIL, extended family... it's just been too hard, and emotional, and weird. 

Grandpa passed away this morning. He was in his 90's, but still active and healthy, and it was not expected. 

I've known this would happen at some point. I just hoped that Grandpa would live to be, oh, I don't know... 103 or so. 

I will be at the funeral, but I will be somewhat alone. Yes, my son will be there, and my SIL and various other family members who I know still care about me. But my ex will be there, and so will my estranged stepdaughter. And there is a good chance that I will have to face the GF for the first time as well. But not attending is not an option. 

I know there is some routine to this... so I know what to expect, which parts will be awkward no matter what, and when I can make a graceful exit. But it will be hard not to break down. I need to keep it in the forefront of my mind that it's about Grandpa... it's not about me, not about my ex, or the GF, or my SD. But it's going to be so very difficult.

How have some of you handled these events?


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## 225985

What was the reason for the divorce?


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## TooNice

blueinbr said:


> What was the reason for the divorce?


As far as most of the family knows, we simply "drifted apart" during the course of our 21 year marriage. In reality, he had been in a relationship with his girlfriend for at least the last 5 years of the marriage, if not longer. (My guess is up to 10.)

She started going with him to family functions within 6 months or so. I know my SIL figured things out - she said they were very familiar with each other given that fact that the ink was barely dry on my divorce papers when my ex started bringing her around. Aside from his daughter, his family holds no ill will toward me.


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## ZedZ

I believe he will just pay his respects and be cordial....that's my guess...


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## farsidejunky

I have never had to face such a situation.

What I would suggest, however, is to remember the reason you are attending, which is to pay respect to the passing of a family member.

If anyone asks you about the end of your marriage, which would be in poor taste yet not terribly surprising, tell them, "Not today".

Then go in with your head held high and the focus on those that are grieving.


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## TooNice

farsidejunky said:


> I have never had to face such a situation.
> 
> What I would suggest, however, is to remember the reason you are attending, which is to pay respect to the passing of a family member.
> 
> If anyone asks you about the end of your marriage, which would be in poor taste yet not terribly surprising, tell them, "Not today".
> 
> Then go in with your head held high and the focus on those that are grieving.


Thanks for this. I'm not really worried about anyone asking about the divorce... I'm mostly fearful of walking in alone and having to see my ex (and potentially his girlfriend). 

You are right-I will need to focus on why I am there. That is what I have been thinking about-ways to do that.

I think it may help me to simply spend some time imagining the day and what it might look like and feel like to be there strong and focused on the family. Might help me deal with the tough moments when they crop up.


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## farsidejunky

TooNice said:


> Thanks for this. I'm not really worried about anyone asking about the divorce... I'm mostly fearful of walking in alone and having to see my ex (and potentially his girlfriend).
> 
> You are right-I will need to focus on why I am there. That is what I have been thinking about-ways to do that.
> 
> I think it may help me to simply spend some time imagining the day and what it might look like and feel like to be there strong and focused on the family. Might help me deal with the tough moments when they crop up.


Does the thought of seeing your ex scare you?

It shouldn't. You have character and honor.


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## TooNice

farsidejunky said:


> Does the thought of seeing your ex scare you?
> 
> It shouldn't. You have character and honor.


The thought of losing control of my emotions upon seeing him (and his girlfriend and daughter) is scary to me. I still have anger, and I am still sad about losing my family. I know the day is not about me, but I know these feelings will be there. I just need to keep them in check.

And thank you for those kind words.


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## Cooper

It sounds like you had a good relationship with the in-laws and I will say from my own experience they will be happy to see you and appreciative of you showing your condolences to the family. Be poised and reserved but don't for one second feel out of place, you have a right to be there and you will be thankful you attended. I think if you don't attend you would regret it.

I would say the only awkward part may be if you go thru a reception line and your ex is part of the family standing near the coffin greeting mourners. Honestly you could skip the line and just roam around expressing your condolences as you see people, that's how I have handled it. 

It sucks to have to see your ex wrapped up in his new life, just stay away from him and focus on others in the family. I'm sorry you will go thru this and for not only the loss of grandpa but the loss of your extended family by divorce also. I always say this....when you have kids the marriage vow of "till death do we part" sticks even after divorce, there will always be some involvement with the ex and the in-laws.


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## Diana7

TooNice said:


> When my ex and I split 2.5 years ago, his grandmother passed away just before we reached a point where he'd have to tell her. I moved out, and he started bringing the GF to family stuff. But didn't really tell his grandpa... other family members told me later that Grandpa just looked very confused at the appearance of this new woman, and the disappearance of me.
> 
> I have not seen most of my ex's family since we split, with the exception of his brothers and their wives a few times. Grandpa, my FIL, extended family... it's just been too hard, and emotional, and weird.
> 
> Grandpa passed away this morning. He was in his 90's, but still active and healthy, and it was not expected.
> 
> I've known this would happen at some point. I just hoped that Grandpa would live to be, oh, I don't know... 103 or so.
> 
> I will be at the funeral, but I will be somewhat alone. Yes, my son will be there, and my SIL and various other family members who I know still care about me. But my ex will be there, and so will my estranged stepdaughter. And there is a good chance that I will have to face the GF for the first time as well. But not attending is not an option.
> 
> I know there is some routine to this... so I know what to expect, which parts will be awkward no matter what, and when I can make a graceful exit. But it will be hard not to break down. I need to keep it in the forefront of my mind that it's about Grandpa... it's not about me, not about my ex, or the GF, or my SD. But it's going to be so very difficult.
> 
> How have some of you handled these events?


 In your place I would attend the service and then leave. I wouldn't go to any family gathering afterwards.


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## Diana7

TooNice said:


> Thanks for this. I'm not really worried about anyone asking about the divorce... I'm mostly fearful of walking in alone and having to see my ex (and potentially his girlfriend).
> 
> You are right-I will need to focus on why I am there. That is what I have been thinking about-ways to do that.
> 
> I think it may help me to simply spend some time imagining the day and what it might look like and feel like to be there strong and focused on the family. Might help me deal with the tough moments when they crop up.


Just go in and sit towards the back with your child. You dont need to be anywhere near you ex or his partner, and you can go after the service.Simple. 
My husband wasn't even allowed to go to the funerals of his ex wife's parents or sister when they died:-( He was completely rejected by her whole family after having known them for 23 years.


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## Diana7

Cooper said:


> It sounds like you had a good relationship with the in-laws and I will say from my own experience they will be happy to see you and appreciative of you showing your condolences to the family. Be poised and reserved but don't for one second feel out of place, you have a right to be there and you will be thankful you attended. I think if you don't attend you would regret it.
> 
> I would say the only awkward part may be if you go thru a reception line and your ex is part of the family standing near the coffin greeting mourners. Honestly you could skip the line and just roam around expressing your condolences as you see people, that's how I have handled it.
> 
> It sucks to have to see your ex wrapped up in his new life, just stay away from him and focus on others in the family. I'm sorry you will go thru this and for not only the loss of grandpa but the loss of your extended family by divorce also. I always say this....when you have kids the marriage vow of "till death do we part" sticks even after divorce, there will always be some involvement with the ex and the in-laws.


Once the children are adults there is no need for further contact with the ex except for the children's weddings.


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## arbitrator

*Both of my college grad sons, to a greater or lesser extent, periodically reside over there in the "mansion on the hilltop" with my RSXW and her new beau, with the oldest still filling me in on the inordinate goings-on in her daily life of unrepentant and debacherous skankery! 

To wit, I still couldn't find it within my inner core to spit into her lying, cheating guts if she were engulfed in flames! And while I may have made peace in forgiving her skanky a$$, I sure as hell have never forgotten what I was summarily subjected to!

To quote Dallas most infamous and effervescent villain, J. R. Ewing, "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer!" *


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## farsidejunky

TooNice said:


> The thought of losing control of my emotions upon seeing him (and his girlfriend and daughter) is scary to me. I still have anger, and I am still sad about losing my family. I know the day is not about me, but I know these feelings will be there. I just need to keep them in check.
> 
> And thank you for those kind words.


You will be fine, @TooNice.

Stop questioning whether you have the ability, and instead start believing you have the discipline to act as you choose.


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## TooNice

Diana7 said:


> In your place I would attend the service and then leave. I wouldn't go to any family gathering afterwards.


Oh, I am definitely not planning to stay for the dinner. I know I will be invited to, and welcome to, but no... I will gracefully exit before that time!


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## TooNice

Diana7 said:


> Just go in and sit towards the back with your child. You dont need to be anywhere near you ex or his partner, and you can go after the service.Simple.
> My husband wasn't even allowed to go to the funerals of his ex wife's parents or sister when they died:-( He was completely rejected by her whole family after having known them for 23 years.


I am sorry that happened to your husband. I cannot even imagine how that would fell. One thing I hold onto dearly is knowing that there are still people there who care about me and love me, even if I don't see them or talk to them often. My parents died when I was in my 20's and my ex's family was my family.


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## Cooper

Diana7 said:


> Once the children are adults there is no need for further contact with the ex except for the children's weddings.


That's a big maybe. There are weddings and funerals and babies and kids birthdays and possible health issues. I'm not saying there is or needs to be regular contact, there's just a good chance over the years of being around the ex relatives.


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## Hoosier

Married 30 years, xw had an affair, married OM. My xSIL is only one I have remained close with (not any of the 5 brothers) and my xMIL is getting a bit senile, and isnt sure whats going on all the time. 

two years after my divorce, my XSIL son got married (one of the few that still call me Uncle). I dreaded going to the wedding, which even tho it was outside, would cause me to see people I hadnt seen in two years, people who basically just discarded me. I figured that I would run into my XMIL in the reception line. So I practiced what I would say, practice my smile I would give while saying it, I practiced it over and over, tried to make it seem real, as I wanted to handle it well, as I know all would be watching and talking. Well I walked up to her, extended my hand, and said, "F! Why are looking good!" smiled, she smiled back, then realized her self and kinda turned away. I then stepped away. Easy Peasey. As for the rest of them it was simple staying away from them as they were as motivated as I to not come accross each other.

You can do it. Just stay in background, be there for who you need to be there for. Practice what you are going to say, keep it brief. Good luck.


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## Hoosier

Not to thread jack, but this brings up an interesting question. If/when my xw dies, if she predeceases me. Do I go to the funeral? I would want to support my three daughters, but with no contact last x years (currently almost 5) with any of the family, might be interesting. Anyone?


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## Cooper

Formally known as Hoosier said:


> Not to thread jack, but this brings up an interesting question. If/when my xw dies, if she predeceases me. Do I go to the funeral? I would want to support my three daughters, but with no contact last x years (currently almost 5) with any of the family, might be interesting. Anyone?


Hell yes you should go just to see her off!!

I would go for the sake of the kids but would certainly try to remain in the background.


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## Diana7

TooNice said:


> I am sorry that happened to your husband. I cannot even imagine how that would fell. One thing I hold onto dearly is knowing that there are still people there who care about me and love me, even if I don't see them or talk to them often. My parents died when I was in my 20's and my ex's family was my family.


His family are all in OZ as well, so he only had a few friends. I thought they were pretty cold and mean, especially as she was the one who met another man and divorced him, but of course she probably told them a load of lies and half truths. Fortunately we met very soon afterwards so he had me and my family. 

I actually still have contact with my exes family, we meet only occasionally because we all live so far apart, but we email regularly etc. Interestingly my ex hasn't seen or been in contact his family for years. I guess he will come to their funerals when they die, and I certainly will go with my husband and maybe adult children, so that may be embarrassing as I have a closer relationship with them than he has. Not sure how that will work, but I haven't a clue if he has another lady or not. Time will tell.


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## WonkyNinja

Formally known as Hoosier said:


> Not to thread jack, but this brings up an interesting question. If/when my xw dies, if she predeceases me. Do I go to the funeral? I would want to support my three daughters, but with no contact last x years (currently almost 5) with any of the family, might be interesting. Anyone?


I would say yes. Regardless of what happened between you and your XW she is their mother and they will need your support.


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## Diana7

Formally known as Hoosier said:


> Not to thread jack, but this brings up an interesting question. If/when my xw dies, if she predeceases me. Do I go to the funeral? I would want to support my three daughters, but with no contact last x years (currently almost 5) with any of the family, might be interesting. Anyone?


I very much doubt that either of us would go to our exes funerals. All of our children are way into adulthood now and don't need us to accompany them. Your daughters may well be married and have their own husbands and children by then anyway. 

Neither of us has seen our exes for about 11 years now. The only time we may see my husbands ex again is if his youngest son ever gets married and being that he is 30 now and has no girlfriend, I cant see that happening for some time.


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## WonkyNinja

TooNice said:


> I am sorry that happened to your husband. I cannot even imagine how that would fell. One thing I hold onto dearly is knowing that there are still people there who care about me and love me, even if I don't see them or talk to them often. My parents died when I was in my 20's and my ex's family was my family.


I'm sorry for your double loss.

Can I ask how come your daughter is estranged from you? 

FWIW I think you let your XH off very light by not telling his family that he had a 5 year affair going on.


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## TooNice

WonkyNinja said:


> I'm sorry for your double loss.
> 
> Can I ask how come your daughter is estranged from you?
> 
> FWIW I think you let your XH off very light by not telling his family that he had a 5 year affair going on.


Thank you. My son went off to college right before I got my own place, so it was quite a shock going from a family of four to essentially living alone. I'm really better off for it, but I miss his family terribly. And it's a kick in the gut to know that the OW gets to spend time with them. 

You can ask about my stepdaughter, but I don't know the answer. She never bothered to tell me why she felt I no longer have a place in her life. My son does not understand, either, but I am happy that the two of them still have a good relationship. Whatever her issue is with me is hers alone, until the day she chooses to discuss it with me. I do know her bio parents are both narcissistic, and her mom has a long history of cutting people out of her life if she does not reap a benefit from keeping them around. My guess is that this is similar.

I never saw a reason to spill my ex's "secret". People are smart, and they figure things out. I feel as though exposing him would just make me look vindictive and bitter. And my son is an adult, but does not need to have the details laid out in front of him. I would rather he make his own opinions about his father, and the woman in his life. My whole issue with this funeral is that I don't want to come face to face with the OW. Hopefully, she will have enough brains to stay out of my way.

I know that I have done nothing wrong, and that his family has always cared about me. I don't need any more than that.


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## Absurdist

TooNice said:


> Thank you. My son went off to college right before I got my own place, so it was quite a shock going from a family of four to essentially living alone. I'm really better off for it, but I miss his family terribly. And it's a kick in the gut to know that the OW gets to spend time with them.
> 
> You can ask about my stepdaughter, but I don't know the answer. She never bothered to tell me why she felt I no longer have a place in her life. My son does not understand, either, but I am happy that the two of them still have a good relationship. Whatever her issue is with me is hers alone, until the day she choosing to discuss it with me. I do know her bio parents are both narcissistic, and her mom has a long history of cutting people out of her life if she does not reap a benefit from keeping them around. My guess is that this is similar.
> 
> I never saw a reason to spill my ex's "secret". People are smart, and they figure things out. I feel as though exposing him would just make me look vindictive and bitter. And my son is an adult, but does not need to have the details laid out in front of him. I would rather he make his own opinions about his father, and the woman in his life. My whole issue with this funeral is that I don't want to come face to face with the OW. Hopefully, she will have enough brains to stay out of my way.
> 
> I know that I have done nothing wrong, and that his family has always cared about me. I don't need any more than that.



But you are a strong lady TooNice. You have many people on this board standing in the background cheering for you.

You will handle this just like you have handled everything else during this saga. You will handle it with grace and dignity just like you usually do.


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## farsidejunky

Absurdist said:


> But you are a strong lady TooNice. You have many people on this board standing in the background cheering for you.
> 
> You will handle this just like you have handled everything else during this saga. You will handle it with grace and dignity just like you usually do.


QFT.


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## browser

If I was in your place I wouldn't attend the funeral at all.

They are no longer your family, the connection you had to them was through your exhusband and that is over.

I certainly wouldn't want my exwife at any funeral for any of my family members.


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## TooNice

@browser - I am sorry that you feel that way. I am grateful that I don't share that perspective. I do agree with you in that I'm sure my ex does not want me there, but I was a part of his family for more than 21 years. The fact that they are "no longer my family" as you put it, was through no choice of mine, nor of any one of them. I have every right to be there to pay my respects to a man I adored, and to hug and give condolences to those he left behind. Not to mention being there for my college-aged son. 

I lost enough in all of this. 
@Absurdist and @farsidejunky - Thank you both. You are too kind.


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## TooNice

Update: It looks like I won't be there long. My son is home from college and needs to get back for classes resuming. He and I will probably do the visitation the day before - just for the first hour or so, then I will drive him to where he can catch a ride back to school. Mutually beneficial and low pressure (for my son, too; he really dislikes stuff like this). 

So it shouldn't be too bad. I think. 

I still hope the OW has the brains to stay far, far away from me, though.


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## farsidejunky

No matter what happens, you will be okay.

Okay?


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## TooNice

farsidejunky said:


> No matter what happens, you will be okay.
> 
> Okay?


You know what? I will be. I know that.


I just told my son over dinner that I while I usually miss having him around, I hadn't realized how much I needed to spend some time with him. We have spent a good deal of time together since he got to town yesterday, and it has been so nice. He understands me more than I give him credit for, and decompressing over the loss of Grandpa together has been healing for us both. He knows full well how much I have lost in the divorce. He knows how much I love that family. And while we never discuss her, I think he also knows more about the OW than he lets on. 

Being at the visitation together, and leaving together, will be good for both of us. He won't let me be alone.


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## farsidejunky

He sounds like a good young man.


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## Diana7

TooNice said:


> Update: It looks like I won't be there long. My son is home from college and needs to get back for classes resuming. He and I will probably do the visitation the day before - just for the first hour or so, then I will drive him to where he can catch a ride back to school. Mutually beneficial and low pressure (for my son, too; he really dislikes stuff like this).
> 
> So it shouldn't be too bad. I think.
> 
> I still hope the OW has the brains to stay far, far away from me, though.


This is what I would have done anyway, just go to the service, sit well away from your ex and OW and go after the service ends. There shouldn't be any need for you to have contact with them if you do this.


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## TooNice

The visitation was yesterday. My son had to get back to college, so he went early with his dad and had some family time before things started. I got there, went through the line, and my son and I left after about a half hour. With the exception of my stepdaughter, everyone was very loving and kind and seemed genuinely happy that I was there. My sd said hello and acknowledged me, but that was it. The OW was there, but was wise enough to keep her distance from me. One person did ask me very kindly if it was awkward for me to be there. I thanked her for asking, looked around the room a little, and said no... not at all. I said they would always be my family. 

I had a moment to spend with Grandpa, and was so grateful I went so that I could say goodbye to him. 

The funeral is today. While I would have preferred to have been at that, I feel that yesterday went well. Most importantly, everyone was truly celebrating the peaceful end for a genuinely good man.


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## Diana7

TooNice said:


> The visitation was yesterday. My son had to get back to college, so he went early with his dad and had some family time before things started. I got there, went through the line, and my son and I left after about a half hour. With the exception of my stepdaughter, everyone was very loving and kind and seemed genuinely happy that I was there. My sd said hello and acknowledged me, but that was it. The OW was there, but was wise enough to keep her distance from me. One person did ask me very kindly if it was awkward for me to be there. I thanked her for asking, looked around the room a little, and said no... not at all. I said they would always be my family.
> 
> I had a moment to spend with Grandpa, and was so grateful I went so that I could say goodbye to him.
> 
> The funeral is today. While I would have preferred to have been at that, I feel that yesterday went well. Most importantly, everyone was truly celebrating the peaceful end for a genuinely good man.


I am so glad it went well. 

We don't do the visitation thing in the UK where I live, is that common there?


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## TooNice

Diana7 said:


> I am so glad it went well.
> 
> We don't do the visitation thing in the UK where I live, is that common there?


Thanks. 

Yes, it is common practice. Sometimes it takes place right before the funeral, but it is often the day prior. Just a few hours to allow people to come through and pay their respects to the family personally.


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## Diana7

TooNice said:


> Thanks.
> 
> Yes, it is common practice. Sometimes it takes place right before the funeral, but it is often the day prior. Just a few hours to allow people to come through and pay their respects to the family personally.


Oh OK. I don't think that is common here. 

Hope the funeral goes well.


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