# Stumbling through the 180



## pecub9 (Feb 4, 2013)

This is my first post on this forum. I have been following it for the last few months and lots of posts have helped me - especially on the subject of the 180 and 'letting her go'. Here's my story:

We have been married for 19 months now (and 15 before the separation). Before our marriage we had been together for 11 years – three of those engaged. I am 33 and she is 30. She has fertility problems and needs HRT and we cannot have children naturally.

In mid September last year I went on holiday with my wife to Turkey with a couple who were friends of her family. We were staying at a villa that they owned where nearby they were staying at another villa. Staying with them were another couple that we had never met. We spent a few evenings together having meals and a few drinks, and also going on a few excursions during the day.

When we came back I did not notice anything untoward, but in retrospect I can see my wife started becoming more distant. A couple of weeks later (the day after my birthday) my she tells me that she thinks there is no spark left in our relationship; we don't talk very much; we are just going through the motions.

I did not react as I should have done to this. There was a reason to this, and it was that a similar thing happened a year before we got married. We were both under a lot of stress at the time as we were buying our first home together and just as we were completing the purchase she told me she did not things were working with the same reasons as above. We 'tried' for a few months but it seemed anything I did was seen as trying for trying's sake. Things were miserable, and eventually she said she wanted to move out. She moved out with a friend of hers and probably a week or two later we sorted it out, got back together and were probably happier for it. I did discover she had been getting attention from someone where she worked. She told me she regretted it and was glad she did not get involved with this guy. Bear in mind this was the first 'wobble' we had had in about 10 years of being together.

I must admit when it happened the second time, I felt a bit fed up. I did not want to go through the same experience again so we agreed to spend some time apart. I moved out to stay with a friend of mine, and we met up a few times to discuss things. I did try and reason with her and remind her we are married and we made vows to each other (basically I did all the things that go against the 'let them go' principle). At this point I was suspicious that there was someone else involved but my continued probing was met with denials.

A couple of weeks passed with me trying to patch things up but with no response. I went back to our house to pick up some things and found her iPad on the sideboard. I decided to look through her Facebook messages and found some evidence that she was with someone else. From an initial of his first name and some comments I realised it was the guy from the couple we met on holiday. He is 46, married, with a daughter. I deduced from emails that she had slept with him 5 days after we took a 'break'.

After that I confronted her. She first said she was just friends until I told her how I knew. She said she could not believe what she had done but at no point did she say she wanted to get back together. Within a few days she moved out. A week later we met up and I told her I realised that I had not met her needs in the relationship and I was sorry for that. Of course, I was hoping she would come back but a few days later she told me she wanted to try with him as she felt that would make her happier. She is now living with him.

Since then we have met a couple of times to discuss business (such as the house) and that is about it. She has sent me a couple of texts and emails but that is about it. I have tried my best at the 180. Some of it has been easy but I keep going through rough patches.

I am looking after myself. I am going out with friends, I am doing well at work. I have started looking after myself physically – I have lost a few percentage points of body fat and have been doing weight training. I am looking better than ever. I have taken some weekend classes and I have spent more time with my family than before.

However, I keep thinking of her and imagining us being back together. I am almost certain it will happen, and I find myself almost texting her to remind her I still want us to get back together. I did find myself posting things on Facebook so she would see it and think of me. So I removed her as a friend – I was obsessing over it. She popped by the house and left me a note to tell her if I did that intentionally because it was upsetting her not knowing.

I have seen her parents a couple of times because we are still on good terms – they are not happy with her. I know she has been quite ill and has missed a lot of work. I know the other guy's wife is hassling both of them.

I just don't know what to do. The 180 seems to work but I still find myself wanting to text her. I don't want her to forget I am her husband and I think I still do love her. I keep thinking about the great times we had together – even right up to just before the ill-fated holiday. I am used to living on my own now but I do feel lonely. I have been on a couple of 'dates' – just a coffee or a drink – with some other women but honestly I do not feel like dating. I just cannot imagine getting intimate with anyone else and I can't understand how she did it so easily.

I'm not sore what I want from posting here. It has been cathartic just writing this down. I guess I just need some advice or to know what others have done in this situation. I am not so arrogant to think that mine is a unique situation.

Thanks for listening.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Not sure what to tell you. You seem to be doing everything right by sticking to the 180. I don't think what you're going through is ever "easy" to start. Even listening to people who go through the 180 successfuly a lot of them usually "fake it" and go through the motions but eventually it just seems like it seeps in.

Have you ever tried smiling for a day even when you feel like ****? Just smiling even though on the inside you're the opposite of happy. I have. And it's crazy how eventually you just start to feel better. I feel like the 180 works that way only slower but in a multitude of ways.

The best thing you can do is keep up No contact with her unless it has something to do with divorce or finances. If she brings up you all or the marriage, I'd refuse to talk about it unless she SHOWS YOU she's willing to change. And she might not be.

I haven't heard anything about any hobbies or hanging out with friends, etc. You need to get out more. Start getting into shape. Get some new hobbies. You can't stop thinking about your wife but you can start focusing on other things as a distraction. Show her you're more than capable of moving on without her even if you don't feel that way. Because like it or not you might have to in the end anyway.


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## Shadow_Nirvana (Jan 1, 2013)

Isn't the OM married? Why have you not exposed him? How is she staying with him if he is married?

Did I misread something?


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## pecub9 (Feb 4, 2013)

Thanks for replying.



Jasel said:


> I haven't heard anything about any hobbies or hanging out with friends, etc. You need to get out more. Start getting into shape. Get some new hobbies. You can't stop thinking about your wife but you can start focusing on other things as a distraction. Show her you're more than capable of moving on without her even if you don't feel that way. Because like it or not you might have to in the end anyway.


You must have missed my 6th from last paragraph. I am doing those things and I am in better shape than ever! I just keep worrying that she doesn't know how I feel.


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## pecub9 (Feb 4, 2013)

Shadow_Nirvana said:


> Isn't the OM married? Why have you not exposed him? How is she staying with him if he is married?
> 
> Did I misread something?


Yes he is, and the OM's wife has found out and is harassing the pair of them.


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## Shadow_Nirvana (Jan 1, 2013)

There are several things that made what you are trying to do an epic fail.

-Haven't filed for divorce(Right now, while you are masturbating to the memory of your wife, your wife is having sex with the OM..... A LOT! How are you okay with this?)
-Haven't exposed to the OMW(I still don't get how they are living together if he's married.)
-Doing the 180 for a wrong purpose(Stop what you are doing mentally. You and her are over for all you know.)
-Haven't started dating babes yourself(See the thread started by imadeamistake on how she(the cheater) got miffed and started getting interested in her husband when he got a new young gf-too bad it was too late for her.)


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

pecub9 said:


> Thanks for replying.
> 
> 
> 
> You must have missed my 6th from last paragraph. I am doing those things and I am in better shape than ever! I just keep worrying that she doesn't know how I feel.


Ahh I missed that. You need to stop worrying about what she's worrying about. That's something you have no control over and it's just going to make you feel even worse. Whenever you find yourself thinking about your wife try to do something ANYTHING that will distract you and get you thinking about something else.

And I agree with Shadow you need to file for divorce.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

As I have been always saying, coming from a guy who failed at this. You need to just move on. Either way it will either fix this or just bring you to the next phase in your life. 

My new analogy is Affairs are cancer to a marriage. If you had cancer you wouldn't wait a few months or weeks to figure out what your gonna do right ? 

Well same holds here. You need to act swift and hard.. Filing for divorce is not divorce. But it will be your banner of I'm not fu.cking around here. 

Either she will go OH, sh.it WTF this guy isn't messing around and come begging to fix this. Even if she does you give her some shade and tell her your not sure.. Even if you want to grab her and hold her tight and never let her go.. 

You need to show her your distant. I know its retarded. But this really does become almost primordial cave man instincts type of stuff. Which I can see you get.

Then wait a 4 or 5 days and then lay down the law on her.. Have the appointment ready for the marriage counselor and tell her to be there or else. 

The one thing I never thought about, which I recently have. When she meets you at the marriage counselor assuming she wants to fix this with you.. The first thing you do in front of the marriage counselor is ask for her cell phone and look through for his contact and text messages for this other mans text messages and calls. Once you find it, assuming it is in her phone. Call her out on it and ask her how serious can she be when on the first day of the MC visit she still has him in her phone. If nothing is there at least its a good start for you.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Stop contacting her and letting her know you're still waiting for her.

It makes you look weak and pathetic. And to a woman, that's one of the biggest turn offs.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

She's gone, friend, she started this while that trip, under you had her friend's noses, she has no shame destroying your marriage but HER friends! She's a home wrecker! There's no other name to this.
You ant justice, you want to regain control even for having the chance to dump her.
She's gone, she's no good.

File
Start f0cking around
Move on


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

pecub9 said:


> I have tried my best at the 180. Some of it has been easy but I keep going through rough patches. I did find myself posting things on Facebook so she would see it and think of me. So *I removed her as a friend *– I was obsessing over it. *She popped by the house and left me a note to tell her if I did that intentionally because it was upsetting her not knowing*.


It's counter-intuitive, but the more you seem "available" to her and that she knows you will take her back if only she asks, she will not ask.

It's when she thinks you have given up on her and moved on that she will begin to fear losing you forever and MAYBE come back to you.

Don't underestimate the toll her infertility has taken on her physically and emotionally. From a very young age, she probably saw herself as having children some day. Having gone on the whole infertility circuit is exhausting, and when it doesn't work anyway, very depressing. So she was not happy with her life - not that she wasn't happy with you, but she was not happy with her life, with her infertility and, like it or not, you are a part of that.

She is no happier with other man. That is obvious to me, her coming around to complain about being removed as a friend on Facebook is not something she would do if she had "moved on" from you. It's quite ridiculous, if you think about it. She cheated on you and lied to you about it, then left you for her other man, but she is disturbed that you removed her as a Facebook friend. If nothing else, that alone shows the power of your detaching and indifference toward her (even if she doesn't know you're really a pining mess).

No, she cares about you and doesn't want to lose you as her backup plan. She is lost. You were not the answer to her happiness. A new house was not the answer to her happiness. Other man is not the answer. Would children be the answer? Probably not, I believe happiness comes from within yourself.

But did the two of you ever talk about adoption?

I'm not saying you should do this, but I wonder how she would react if you posted on Facebook that you were thinking of adopting (as a single parent) and then sent her a friend invitation?

My advice for people who don't have kids is, unless the cheater turns into a snot-blowing begging-for-forgiveness blubbering mess upon being caught, don't even consider reconciliation.

If you did want to try to save your marriage, you would have to let her know. You could call her and tell her that you are giving her one last chance to reconcile with you and, if she doesn't take this chance you are giving her now, you will file for divorce and not look back ever. Tell her that you love her but that she cheated, and that you are giving her the gift of one last chance to be with you, someone who has loved her more than anyone else in her life. If she doesn't take it, right now, it's over. If she does want to try again, she has to cease all contact now and forever with the other man and let you do whatever you need to do to verify that she has, indeed, ceased contact and continues to have no contact. If not, goodbye forever, there's no need for the two of you to ever talk again, have a nice life.

You could throw in there that you have been through the toughest of times together, you have shared good times and bad, you took vows together, you have been through life's ups and downs together. You also could throw in that you are willing to address whatever legitimate complaints she has against you, as you would expect her to do the same for you as you rebuild your marriage.

Keep in mind before you try any of this reconciliation stuff, that she did kind of cheat with that guy at work, and now this, she did tell you she was unhappy with you before, and now this, so she does not feel the same way about you as you do about her and she is likely to cheat on you again.

I think you've already gone through the worst part, it will all get better from here, and she's given you a great gift of freedom - freedom to find a woman who will value you as much as you value her. There are women out there who will value your loyalty instead of seeing it as not having enough "passion."


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## pecub9 (Feb 4, 2013)

Will_Kane said:


> I think you've already gone through the worst part, it will all get better from here, and she's given you a great gift of freedom - freedom to find a woman who will value you as much as you value her. There are women out there who will value your loyalty instead of seeing it as not having enough "passion."


Thanks Will. I really am trying to be positive and I don;t think I am the blubbering wreck some may think I am from my post. I have had very little contact with her - it's just how feel inside. like others have said I need to just distract myself and got on with other things.

I have emailed her today to tell her I am getting advice from my solicitor to arrange a divorce settlement.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Why did you do that? Stop giving her info. Not even about lawyers.

Hang in there.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Acabado said:


> Why did you do that? Stop giving her info. Not even about lawyers.
> 
> Hang in there.


Seriously. Let her get served. Show her the same respect she's shown you. None.


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