# Heartbroken and Don't know how to cope



## VM092203 (Jun 22, 2021)

This is such a long story... and so hard for me to overcome. I feel so many emotions and I have no one to talk to about any of it. 

My husband and I have been married for only 2 years (tomorrow is actually our anniversary)
We have been together in a committed relationship for 12 years. We have 2 children of our own and a third child that we care for and have legal guardianship of. My husband has struggled with his mental health over the last few years and has had some issues with drinking/drug use. I have been supportive and have worked hard to get him to seek help. He recently started therapy and it seemed to have helped him up until I was laid off from my job. When I got laid off he suggested we go out of state to visit family and friends we hadn't seen in years. I agreed and we made plans. He was so anxious to leave, so I told him to go early and the kids and I would head there after school was out. He left 2 weeks before I did with the children. We communicated the entire time he was there, and everything seemed ok. He had been hanging out with a mutual friend of ours quite a bit. She has been a friend to us both for the entirety of our relationship. I trusted her and I trusted him. We will call her Carla.

There were a few times where she would text me and give me updates about what he was doing, or what they were doing, which made me nervous. Every time I talked to him, they were hanging out with his family together. When I would talk to his mom I would voice my "stupid" concerns, and she would reassure me that nothing was amiss. I got really anxious about it and mentioned something to him, he told me there was no way that anything would ever happen with them and reassured me. I also spoke to my friend about it and she, the same. I know her so well, we have been friends for so long. So I put my concerns on the back burner, went about my business, and when it was time for the children and I to head there, we did. 

We got there safely and we saw everyone. My friend wasn't there when I got there, but she came to see me the next day. She was so excited to see me, and I her. After seeing her that first full day of being there, she wasn't around as much for a few days. To myself, I thought... that's strange... they were together like everyday when I wasn't here...but I let it go. The first week I saw her here and there, the second week she came around almost everyday. It was just like it always was, we have so much fun together and she's so goofy. She gained a bit of weight from the last time I got to see her, but she does drink a lot and has a lot going on in her own life. We had a lot of fun for the duration of my time there. I am not a huge drinker so I think we drank together maybe like 3 times.

Carla and I had conversations about my husband and his struggles and she reassured me so many times that he loves me so much and has been good while being there without me for 2 weeks. She said that she tried to hang out with him as much as possible because she figured it would be better that she was there, rather than him hanging out with bad influences from his younger past. I agreed, and she did update me while he was there and I wasn't so I didn't think much of it. Plus, I know her type... and it's not my husband. LOL

Fast forward to the end of our trip. 2 days before leaving to come back home, I had a video conference for school that I needed to do. It lasted for 2 hours. I had planned on drinking with everyone when I was done with the call. When I went outside to be by the fire and hangout with my husband, Carla and Carla's brother, it was obvious that they were all drunk. I hadn't seen my husband that drunk in awhile. I was immediately irritated, like I had missed the fun and they were all too drunk to carry on real conversation. I felt like I had to take on the parent role and make sure no one got more drunk, or drove. I was visibly irritated. 

We all went into the garage. I was sitting on the floor and my friend was bending over talking to me. My husband walked over towards us and smacked her on the butt. I was immediately shocked... Why would he do that? Weird.... could more have happened in the 2 weeks I was not here? What is going on? A million things ran through my head. I looked at him, with a confused blank stare. He shrugged it off, she shrugged it off. I got more irritated, and continued talking to her. She sat down on the ground next to me. I looked up, and there was my husband, staring at her cleavage. I looked down at my own chest. I looked at her cleavage then back at him, with the "what are you doing right now" look on my face. He looked at me, his eyes got big and he nodded his head. It was in that moment, that I KNEW, there was more to this. Something happened. I looked at him and I said, "I knew it"... 

He then left the garage and I stayed. I didn't say anything to my friend. I made the excuse that I had to go to the bathroom and went to find my husband. He was so drunk... he started getting angry about me being irritated, and he started telling me all about myself. He then said something that upset me... so I walked away.

He yelled to me and said, "BY THE WAY, CARLA AND I TRIED TO F*** BUT I COULDN'T GET IT UP"... I was immediately in shock. I didn't know what to think. Every relationship has their fair share of stuff, and he had said things before to try and upset me, that haven't been true. I immediately walked to my friend because she heard what he said, and I asked her if it was true. She said, "no" and immediately started to try explaining all the good stuff he said about me while he was there hanging out with her... but she was stumbling over her words. It was in that moment that I knew SOMETHING ABSOLUTELY occurred. But what was it?

I asked her to help me find him and calm him down. She did. When I got them both together, in the same place, I said.... "Alright, while we are all here together.... WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED BETWEEN THE TWO OF YOU?" and my husband said, "I'm sorry that I said we tried to have sex, its not true...BUT we were both really drunk one night... it was my fault, she didn't do it... I did. I leaned over and I kissed her." 

I then said.... "OK? I'm supposed to believe that's all that happened?" and I looked at her... my husband then said, "I swear to god thats it. I kissed her, she pushed me away, then I kissed her again and she kissed me back" And I said, "For how long?" and he said, "Maybe a minute?" He then went on to say, they then stopped, realized how weird it was, talked about it.... he apologized to her and she to him. They then decided that they weren't going to tell me... and they went on like nothing happened. 

I looked at both of them, and I said.... "OH OK... WELL YOU SHOULD PROBABLY GO HOME WITH CARLA TONIGHT AND SLEEP IN HER BED BECAUSE YOU WON'T BE SLEEPING WITH ME", and I gathered my things, wrote everyone and everything off, and went to bed by myself. I hear Carla's car start, I heard her brothers car start, and they drove off. My husband didn't come inside so I assumed he went with her.

I just laid in bed. I just laid there, on my mother in laws air mattress, and cried. I wallowed in my own self pitty with feelings of anger, sadness, heartbreak and hopelessness. I could not go to sleep. around 3:30-4:00am, I heard the door open. I didn't here any cars in the driveway, so I was confused. It was my husband. It was pouring rain outside. He came into the room soaking wet, took his clothes off, put dry boxers on while stumbling around the dark room. I acted like I was asleep, and he scooted me over. He then had the nerve to lay down next to me and put his arm around me. In an effort to not wake anyone up I laid there. I laid there until he fell asleep (about 2 minutes), and then I got up, and went out into the living room and went to sleep on the couch. I woke up about an hour and a half later to him begging me to go lay with him. I was so tired I don't even remember if I remembered what had just happened the night before. I went and laid with him. I was there for about 10 minutes when I thought to myself.... "What are you doing? Why are you laying with this man...." and I got up and went back into the living room. He came out about 2 hours later and said, "can we talk about this?" and I said, "sure, lets go to the garage where we can have a private conversation"... so we did.

There, he immediately broke down crying. He said, "I am so sorry, I don't know how this happened, I love you with all my heart and I know you will probably never be able to forgive me. I swear to god nothing more than kissing happened. We both came to in the middle of the kiss and immediately stopped and talked about how weird it was. It's been eating at me and I think that's why I told you" and I then reminded him that he didn't tell me to tell me, he told me to hurt me. He then said, "I don't even remember what I told you".... I then reminded him of his classy delivery of the information the night before and he started crying again. He said, "I swear to god that nothing more than kissing happened and we both felt terrible about it. We didn't hang out for days after it happened and when it did happen we were both so drunk. We would never do anything and I don't know why it happened but I swear to god I would never ever hurt you"...

We have since gotten home back to our home state. I literally thought about the incident and what did or didn't happen. It's one of those things where, only the 2 of them know what actually happened... and I could just be being fed lies. He and I have talked about it in detail and he has answered every single one of my questions. He has been patient and he has apologized everyday. He told me that he is done drinking. He said that he promises he is going to be better for me and our kids. He started a cleanse to rid his body of everything and he really has kept his word since the talk we had in his moms garage. I can tell he is remorseful. I asked him if he has talked to Carla and he said no. I checked the phone records to see if he was lying. Her number is not on his text or call log... so that was refreshing to know. I am hopeful that he is really trying and that he is really willing to fix this. I gave him a laundry list of how this has affected me emotionally, and how this isn't something I can just get over in a day. All I want to do is cry, but I have 3 little girls who I have to hold it together for. Some moments during the day I don't think about what happened... but others, its all I think about. Tonight has been especially hard, obviously. I have no one else to talk to or tell because I am embarrassed. I think to myself, what have I done to deserve this? Have I been a bad wife? Have I not been exciting enough? Does he like bigger women(and if so, no hate), should I gain more weight? Should I be more in shape? What does she have that I don't? 

I tried to message her and ask for her take on things. I wanted to see if their stories lined up. She too said it was just kissing and that she came to in the middle of it and immediately stopped. She said they were both so drunk. Past that I couldn't get any answers from her. Now she won't even respond to me. I'm a little irritated actually. I was going to compare their answers and stories to see if there was any misinformation from one or the other. I literally can't stop running through the scenario in my head. What did I do to deserve this? Why did this happen? How do I get past it? How do I get rid of the feelings that another woman was better than me? I love my husband with all my heart. We have been through so much, we have had a great relationship, and we have had our rough patches. But he has never done something like this to me, and it hurts so bad to think we are to be celebrating our 12 year anniversary and 2 year marriage anniversary tomorrow. I feel unloved. I feel like I was betrayed and I don't know how to not feel this way.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

> What have I done to deserve this? Have I been a bad wife? Have I not been exciting enough? Does he like bigger women(and if so, no hate), should I gain more weight? Should I be more in shape? What does she have that I don't? Why did this happen? How do I get past it? How do I get rid of the feelings that another woman was better than me?


You haven't done anything to deserve this. Even if you were the worst, most boring, ugliest wife on the planet it wouldn't be a reason for him to cheat. His reasons for cheating are on him and issues with him, not you. He cheated because he wanted to, because he's a bit of a ****ty person. 

What does she have that you don't? She's an overweight, cheating, backstabbing, cowardly drunk. Does that sound like someone you should feel inferior to? Are those qualities that you want? She isn't better than you, not even close.



> I feel unloved. I feel like I was betrayed and I don't know how to not feel this way.


Feeling this way sucks but it's the reality of the situation. It's something that you're going to have to feel for a while but it does get better in time. It won't get better if you rug sweep this though, it has to be properly dealt with and that takes time. You should both read this book: How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald

Your husband treated you in an unloving way and you WERE betrayed. It will take a long time, and a lot of consistency from him, for you to believe his actions. It shouldn't be "I feel like I was betrayed", you WERE betrayed - x2 because it was a double betrayal. 

Is this "friend" married? If so you should tell her husband/boyfriend. He deserves to know as well. 

You're right, they could be lying to you. Your friend heard the story your husband gave you, it would be very easy for her to stick to the same one. It's definitely possible that your husband's original confession was the truth - that they tried to **** but he couldn't get it up/keep it up. So, tell your husband you want a polygraph and be prepared to follow through with that. 

You said you checked the phone records since coming home, but have you checked what went on prior to the trip as well? Why was he so antsy to depart early? They could have been having an emotional affair. Keep in mind, texting and calling is not the only way to communicate. You may want to look at what apps he has installed (and most likely uninstalled) on his phone. Check his social media as well, though those conversations can be deleted and cannot be recovered.


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## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

I only lurk nowadays, but your story resonates. 

I too believe that there is more to this. Something that you won't get out of either your husband or your "friend."

I too second the polygraph and checking for hidden apps. Watch his reaction. If he really says nothing else happened, then he should have no problem doing it.

You don't have to celebrate your anniversary if you don't want to. After all, it's now been tainted.

You feel betrayed because you _were_ betrayed and he did indeed hurt you. That's the simple fact.

I wish you good luck and safe healing.


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## VM092203 (Jun 22, 2021)

bobert said:


> You haven't done anything to deserve this. Even if you were the worst, most boring, ugliest wife on the planet it wouldn't be a reason for him to cheat. His reasons for cheating are on him and issues with him, not you. He cheated because he wanted to, because he's a bit of a ****ty person.
> 
> What does she have that you don't? She's an overweight, cheating, backstabbing, cowardly drunk. Does that sound like someone you should feel inferior to? Are those qualities that you want? She isn't better than you, not even close.
> 
> ...


I have looked at every app on his phone. He has zero social media and they did not talk before the trip. We both let her know we were coming. He left early for his mental health. Everything was fine before going. Other than his alcohol use. I restored old text messages and there are no messages that indicate anything else happened than what they said. But it still doesn't sit right with me. She is not married and does not have a boyfriend. It's crazy because she prefers to be with women, which made this so much more confusing for me


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## VM092203 (Jun 22, 2021)

Spoons027 said:


> I only lurk nowadays, but your story resonates.
> 
> I too believe that there is more to this. Something that you won't get out of either your husband or your "friend."
> 
> ...


Thank you, it really has been so hard. I don't know what to say or do. I don't know how to feel.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I agree with the others about a polygraph.


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## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

VM092203 said:


> I have looked at every app on his phone. He has zero social media and they did not talk before the trip. We both let her know we were coming. He left early for his mental health. Everything was fine before going. Other than his alcohol use. I restored old text messages and there are no messages that indicate anything else happened than what they said. But it still doesn't sit right with me. She is not married and does not have a boyfriend. It's crazy because she prefers to be with women, which made this so much more confusing for me


Unfortunately this situation will never make sense. He needs to do major soul searching and give you the answers you want. “I don’t know” or “I was drunk” are lazy and unacceptable answers. Even if the truth is ugly, that will at least provide some transparency. I would personally rather hear “I was bored or feeling trapped” over a bs “I wasn’t thinking” response. You are not the cause of his infidelity- this is on him. Mental health isn’t a fair excuse for what he did to you. Nor is alcohol.

Trust will be very hard to rebuild but it is possible if it’s something you want. Your husband needs to understand HE is the one who needs to put in the work. Robbing you of your peace of mind just because he was going through a “moment” is absolutely intolerable.


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## VM092203 (Jun 22, 2021)

moulinyx said:


> Unfortunately this situation will never make sense. He needs to do major soul searching and give you the answers you want. “I don’t know” or “I was drunk” are lazy and unacceptable answers. Even if the truth is ugly, that will at least provide some transparency. I would personally rather hear “I was bored or feeling trapped” over a bs “I wasn’t thinking” response. You are not the cause of his infidelity- this is on him. Mental health isn’t a fair excuse for what he did to you. Nor is alcohol.
> 
> Trust will be very hard to rebuild but it is possible if it’s something you want. Your husband needs to understand HE is the one who needs to put in the work. Robbing you of your peace of mind just because he was going through a “moment” is absolutely intolerable.


I definitely agree. It's so hard because I am the type of person who will do anything for my family. Even if that means I put myself and my own feelings on the back burner. But who's to say it won't happen again, and I will never know every single detail and it will eat at me. I am willing to do whatever it takes for us to fix this and move along. It's hard because my brain doesn't work like that. I want to be walked through every second of what occurred, how it occurred, how they let it occur when they, "love me and care about me so much"... I don't know how to build that trust back. He says he is willing to do whatever needed and he hasn't touched a drop of alcohol in 5 days. It's just so fresh, and not having people to talk to about it makes it that much harder.

I'm glad I found this forum. I am at least able to get my emotions out, rather than bottling them up. I don't want to talk about what happened constantly and bring it up every 5 seconds. I need to be able to accept it and move forward while still guarding myself and ensuring nothing like this ever happens again. But how?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Well, first of all you’ll never again trust him the way you once did and you shouldn’t. And obviously there are no guarantees that he won’t do something like that again. Your eyes are wide open now where they weren’t before. Keep them that way.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

The only way this would work going forward, is you would at some point have to forgive him for what he did. Currently you don't know what he did, so there is no way you can get to forgiveness.

Make him write down a timeline of what he did before you got there, when / with who etc., after he finishes that, tell him he will take a polygraph. I'm not sure if you even need to actually book one, just drive to the parking lot with him about 30 mins before a fake appointment and let him spill the beans.


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## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

VM092203 said:


> I definitely agree. It's so hard because I am the type of person who will do anything for my family. Even if that means I put myself and my own feelings on the back burner. But who's to say it won't happen again, and I will never know every single detail and it will eat at me. I am willing to do whatever it takes for us to fix this and move along. It's hard because my brain doesn't work like that. I want to be walked through every second of what occurred, how it occurred, how they let it occur when they, "love me and care about me so much"... I don't know how to build that trust back. He says he is willing to do whatever needed and he hasn't touched a drop of alcohol in 5 days. It's just so fresh, and not having people to talk to about it makes it that much harder.
> 
> I'm glad I found this forum. I am at least able to get my emotions out, rather than bottling them up. I don't want to talk about what happened constantly and bring it up every 5 seconds. I need to be able to accept it and move forward while still guarding myself and ensuring nothing like this ever happens again. But how?


You don’t owe him the illusion of peace. He should know you are tormented and how this has cast a grey cloud over the beginning and end of your day. This forum is great but this process and pain should be shared by the person who caused the whole ordeal. This isn’t just your problem.

I highly suggest finding a way to let him know you’re thinking of it even if you don’t want to go through the details at that moment. Otherwise you may put off the impression you have moved on from the issue.

I also agree you will never trust him the same way. It’s really sad when trust is broken like that.


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## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

VM092203 said:


> I am willing to do whatever it takes for us to fix this and move along. It's hard because my brain doesn't work like that. I want to be walked through every second of what occurred, how it occurred, how they let it occur when they, "love me and care about me so much"... I don't know how to build that trust back. He says he is willing to do whatever needed and he hasn't touched a drop of alcohol in 5 days.


Time for him to step up and prove it then. What else has he done besides stop drinking and answer questions? Did he cut off all contact with Carla - and I do mean _ALL_ contact? Is he going to get individual counseling for his mental issues and whatever the heck allowed him to think that he could get as close to Carla as he could thinking nothing would happen?

You can't carry this marriage by yourself. Words are cheap, and if he doesn't have what it takes to back them up, you're in for a very difficult reconciliation.

Watch him closely, if you think you're up for it. Usually in the intial weeks or months, they're very contrite. Until enough time passes that they begin to wonder how long they're going to be punished for their misdeeds or when you're going to be over it. Don't fall for it.


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## VM092203 (Jun 22, 2021)

Spoons027 said:


> Time for him to step up and prove it then. What else has he done besides stop drinking and answer questions? Did he cut off all contact with Carla - and I do mean _ALL_ contact? Is he going to get individual counseling for his mental issues and whatever the heck allowed him to think that he could get as close to Carla as he could thinking nothing would happen?
> 
> You can't carry this marriage by yourself. Words are cheap, and if he doesn't have what it takes to back them up, you're in for a very difficult reconciliation.
> 
> Watch him closely, if you think you're up for it. Usually in the intial weeks or months, they're very contrite. Until enough time passes that they begin to wonder how long they're going to be punished for their misdeeds or when you're going to be over it. Don't fall for it.


I appreciate your input, and I am definitely watching him VERY closely.


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## VM092203 (Jun 22, 2021)

moulinyx said:


> You don’t owe him the illusion of peace. He should know you are tormented and how this has cast a grey cloud over the beginning and end of your day. This forum is great but this process and pain should be shared by the person who caused the whole ordeal. This isn’t just your problem.
> 
> I highly suggest finding a way to let him know you’re thinking of it even if you don’t want to go through the details at that moment. Otherwise you may put off the impression you have moved on from the issue.
> 
> I also agree you will never trust him the same way. It’s really sad when trust is broken like that.


I have let him know that the hurt is still with me. I let him know every now and then, so he doesn't think I'm just peachy and everything is great, That is not the impression I intend to put off by any means.


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