# Do you think this is fair?



## SurfsUpToday (Dec 6, 2021)

My wife informed me that she is waiting for me to initiate to have sex. She does most of the initiating, but I am now currently in heart failure and to be honest initiating feels like mt Everest. I have been in heart failure since September 2021 and have pain, tiredness and fatigue so it seems like a hard thing. I don’t know I probably just have to find the energy somewhere. Do you think that is fair of her?


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## Helping Hand (Sep 8, 2020)

If you love her then dont think to put a step forward to satisfy her because she always have been initiating. Think from her perspective and you will understand it would be injustice if you dont do it.

Try your best because am sure she will appreciate the efforts you will take to initiate.

All the best !


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## SurfsUpToday (Dec 6, 2021)

Helping Hand said:


> If you love her then dont think to put a step forward to satisfy her because she always have been initiating. Think from her perspective and you will understand it would be injustice if you dont do it.
> 
> Try your best because am sure she will appreciate the efforts you will take to initiate.
> 
> ...


Yeah I figured this as I was typing it out. Doesn’t seem like anyone cares that I’m struggling, of course I also try not to worry her or anyone with my issues. Fake it till you make it isn’t working anymore for me.


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## Helping Hand (Sep 8, 2020)

SurfsUpToday said:


> Yeah I figured this as I was typing it out. Doesn’t seem like anyone cares that I’m struggling, of course I also try not to worry her or anyone with my issues. Fake it till you make it isn’t working anymore for me.


Yes u can fake it and am sure she will understand you are interested in initiating but your body doesnt allow you to do ao somehow, and she will start initiating again 


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

I would have a slightly different opinion on this. Maybe your wife is worried about initiating in case you don’t really feel up to it but do it for her. She may be afraid of you having a heart attack so she’s leaving the initiating to you when you feel like it.


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## CrAzYdOgLaDy (Mar 22, 2021)

SurfsUpToday said:


> My wife informed me that she is waiting for me to initiate to have sex. She does most of the initiating, but I am now currently in heart failure and to be honest initiating feels like mt Everest. I have been in heart failure since September 2021 and have pain, tiredness and fatigue so it seems like a hard thing. I don’t know I probably just have to find the energy somewhere. Do you think that is fair of her?


If my husband was in your situation I would understand how exhausted etc you are. I wouldn't be pressuring you because I understand struggles with health problems, especially the heart. I'd never forgive myself if something happened to you. Don't push yourself and only do what you are fit to do. You know your own body. Maybe have a Dr sit with you and your wife to explain your heart failure more to her, so she understands more and what your limits are. The last thing you need too is stress. Yes initiate if you feel up to it but don't force/push yourself if you are suffering.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

SurfsUpToday said:


> My wife informed me that she is waiting for me to initiate to have sex. She does most of the initiating, but I am now currently in heart failure and to be honest initiating feels like mt Everest. I have been in heart failure since September 2021 and have pain, tiredness and fatigue so it seems like a hard thing. I don’t know I probably just have to find the energy somewhere. Do you think that is fair of her?


If you are in heart failure and don't have the energy to initiate, is it even safe for you to have sex?

Is that what your question is, do you want to know if we think it's fair for her to expect sex...?


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

SurfsUpToday said:


> My wife informed me that she is waiting for me to initiate to have sex. She does most of the initiating, but I am now currently in heart failure and to be honest initiating feels like mt Everest. I have been in heart failure since September 2021 and have pain, tiredness and fatigue so it seems like a hard thing. I don’t know I probably just have to find the energy somewhere. Do you think that is fair of her?


This question is purely for trying to understand the situation and not a commentary on your efforts. If you don't have the energy to initiate sex, where is the energy for doing sex when she initiates come from? Are you able to engage after she initiates or is it more you get the erection and she then goes all cowgirl on you?


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

I never think that it is fair that one person should do all of the initiating.
Also, I never expect life to be anything like fair.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

SurfsUpToday said:


> My wife informed me that she is waiting for me to initiate to have sex. She does most of the initiating, but I am now currently in heart failure and to be honest initiating feels like mt Everest. I have been in heart failure since September 2021 and have pain, tiredness and fatigue so it seems like a hard thing. I don’t know I probably just have to find the energy somewhere. Do you think that is fair of her?


Honestly, her putting any pressure on a husband with a major ailment seems off to me. But maybe, she doesn't want to "kill you with kindness", so is telling you she only wants intimacy when you feel up to it. That would be normal IMO. After my wife had surgery, I straight up told her that it was up to her when we had intimacy, that I was not going to initiate out of concern for her recovery. Also told her that the doctor had to clear her for exertion before we could engage, even if she wanted to. What does your doctor say about exertion with your heart problems? What is the treatment plan and prognosis? 

Have you had a loving and fulfilling marriage until now? Or is she just carrying on with resentments built over years?

Getting well is your first priority, no matter what the wife wants.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

SurfsUpToday said:


> My wife informed me that she is waiting for me to initiate to have sex. She does most of the initiating, but I am now currently in heart failure and to be honest initiating feels like mt Everest. I have been in heart failure since September 2021 and have pain, tiredness and fatigue so it seems like a hard thing. I don’t know I probably just have to find the energy somewhere. Do you think that is fair of her?


She's leaving it up to you because of your health. I don't see why that's unfair of her. She's just asking you to make a move if you feel like having sex. If you don't feel like having sex then don't make a move. Would you rather she be trying to have sex with you all the time when you are too tired to do it?


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Andy1001 said:


> I would have a slightly different opinion on this. Maybe your wife is worried about initiating in case you don’t really feel up to it but do it for her. She may be afraid of you having a heart attack so she’s leaving the initiating to you when you feel like it.


This is also what I had initially thought as well.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

so you do not want to initiate sex with your wife?

did your doctor tell you you could not have any sex? OR did your doctor say you have to exercise to get stronger...and you are being lazy?

there are plenty of sexual things you can do with your wife that are NOT physcially taxing. Such as cunnilingus--you just sit there on the floor and pleasure her...no effort at all on your part.

Sure if you truly have a health condition that will give you a heart failure if you have any sex at all...then avoid it. But i suspect, as your wife also does, that you are dogging it.

Consider, if you do not start to initiate sex with your wife, she will likely find someone who will do that with her, and you might not even be asked for permission for her to do that.


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

You can never appear mentally or physically weak with a woman, they hate it. Listen to what your wife is telling you. She wants a strong man to have sex with her. Do this or she'll be finding someone else to.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

I'll start by saying that life isn't fair.
However given the circumstances, her stance is reasonable.
She probably doesn't really know when you are up to it.
Also, she would probably prefer not to have to call 911 in the middle of you smashing it.
If she totally cuts you off, you might have a legit beef.
I'd say to discuss it with her to work out a happy medium.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Talker67 said:


> so you do not want to initiate sex with your wife?
> 
> did your doctor tell you you could not have any sex? OR did your doctor say you have to exercise to get stronger...and you are being lazy?
> 
> ...


Dear OP, this is a great answer. There are lots of gently slow sensual as well as sexual things you can do with your wife, that don't require a lot of energy. I would wager that the both of you, even if it was not PIV sex and just sensual cuddling would get a lot of joy and bonding out of it.

There is a book that a sex therapist had my wife read, it was a series of interviews or stories of about 50 or so women who were in their 60's to 70's. It told about how they were either widows, divorced, they had medical problems that precluded their ability to have sex, or their husbands had medical issues where they couldn't have sex. it was called something like Still Sexy after all these years. I told about how these women either found ways to have sex, sensuality or emotional bonding into their lives.

At the time, I found it a depressing book, because I was in a sex starved marriage. However, it did open my eyes that there were ways to add joy and intimacy to a relationship.

Good luck.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Yes I think it's fair, more than fair; she's being considerate. She knows you are ill. Rather than initiating & forcing herself on you, she has decided to back off & let you come to her. I expect she is doing this so that you can initiate when you have the energy rather than constantly telling her no when you are not up for sex. 

I'm sorry you are not well but I do not understand why you are complaining that your wife is trying to be considerate of your energy levels.


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

Have you been rejecting her advances a lot? Rejection hurts, even when people know that there may be a good reason. Maybe she's just had enough of that.

Have you just given up on life due to your illness? If not, try to get strong, find other ways to pleasure her, as noted.


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## CrAzYdOgLaDy (Mar 22, 2021)

GOOGLED THIS INFO FOR YOU. HOPE IT IS HELPFUL.

HEART FAILURE AND SEX AND IS IT SAFE?

FOR ORIGINAL POSTER


If you're living with heart failure, you know that physical activity may leave you feeling fatigued or short of breath. If exercise makes you feel winded, you might wonder — is it safe to have sex?
Sex is typically a moderate form of exercise — it generally falls into the same activity level as climbing two or three flights of stairs. So it's not uncommon for those with heart failure to worry that having sex might further harm the heart, especially after surgery or a procedure. Also, heart failure medications may reduce the sex drive or cause unpleasant sexual side effects. More than half of people with heart failure say they are having a lot less sex or none at all due to their heart health. A little more than 3 in 10 report problems with sexual performance.

Remaining sexually active is important for maintaining a healthy quality of life and staying connected to your partner. How do you do that with heart failure? Follow your cardiac rehabilitation plan. Cardiac rehab is a supervised program including counseling, education and physical activity. It helps you improve your heart health and build endurance after a heart event. The American Heart Association says cardiac rehab and exercise can lower the risk of sex-related complications in those with heart failure.
The American Heart Association also says that sex rarely causes heart attacks, but it's a good idea to skip sex until your doctor says your heart condition is stable. For example, you're considered to have a high risk of complications during sexual activity if you have New York Heart Association Class IV heart failure or if you had heart surgery within the last one to two weeks.
While sexual intercourse may not be safe for your class and type of heart failure, kissing and touching are still OK. It's important to take all your medications as directed, and don't skip meds for fear of sexual side effects. Also, don't try over-the-counter herbs or supplements to boost your sex drive.
If you have any sexual difficulties, don't be shy about talking to your doctor. The American Heart Association and the European Society of Cardiology recommend that everyone with the disease be screened for sexual problems and offered counseling as part of their rehabilitation. Sexual counseling with your partner can help answer questions, build intimacy and provide useful tips on how to safely resume sex.

With
Rekha Mankad, M.D.


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## Quad73 (May 10, 2021)

Young at Heart said:


> Dear OP, this is a great answer. There are lots of gently slow sensual as well as sexual things you can do with your wife, that don't require a lot of energy. I would wager that the both of you, even if it was not PIV sex and just sensual cuddling would get a lot of joy and bonding out of it.
> 
> There is a book that a sex therapist had my wife read, it was a series of interviews or stories of about 50 or so women who were in their 60's to 70's. It told about how they were either widows, divorced, they had medical problems that precluded their ability to have sex, or their husbands had medical issues where they couldn't have sex. it was called something like Still Sexy after all these years. I told about how these women either found ways to have sex, sensuality or emotional bonding into their lives.
> 
> ...


@Young at Heart would you be able to verify the title and author of that book? I think it would be of great benefit here, and to others in higher age groups looking for alternatives to piv as well.


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## CrAzYdOgLaDy (Mar 22, 2021)

AND ANOTHER ONE FROM GOOGLE FOR ORIGINAL POSTER.


It is normal to feel anxious about having sex if you have a heart condition. But there is no reason why you can’t continue to enjoy a healthy sex life. 
Sex is no more likely to trigger a heart problem, such as a heart attack, than any other form of activity. 



How can a heart condition affect my sex life?

In most cases, sexual problems are caused by the heart or circulatory condition itself. Or by worries and anxieties relating to it. 
It is common to experience impotence or erectile dysfunction (inability to achieve or maintain an erection). This can sometimes be a side effect of your medication. 
Do you have a heart or circulatory condition? You may experience the following symptoms: 

loss of sex drive

impotence or erectile dysfunction

vaginal dryness

difficulty reaching orgasm.

Why am I experiencing a loss of sex drive?

A loss of sex drive, or impotence, can affect both men and women. It is a common problem and may be a side effect of your medication. Anxiety can also have a huge impact on your sex drive and your ability to orgasm. 
You should not feel embarrassed to talk to your GP, nurse or cardiac rehab nurse who will be understanding and can offer you advice and support.

Are you worried about any side effects of the medication you’re taking? You can speak to your GP to see if they can change or reduce your dose. 

Or you could call our Heart Helpline to speak to one of our cardiac nurses. They can provide you with more information and support. Call on 0300 330 3311 (similar cost to 01 and 02 numbers).

How soon can I start having sex again?

Whether you have angina or are recovering from a heart attack or heart surgery you should be able to continue having sex as soon as you feel well enough – usually around two to four weeks after a heart attack. 
If you’ve had surgery it might be longer. Find a position that works for you and doesn’t put too much strain on your wound. It might be helpful to place a small cushion against your wound between you and your partner.
Sex is just another form of exercise. You should be fine to have sex if you can walk a mile on the flat in about 20 minutes. Or climb two flights of stairs in 20 seconds. 

How can I reduce my anxiety about having sex?

There are lots of things that you can do to reduce your anxiety about sex, such as:

talking to your partner or GP about any worries you have

finding new approaches to being intimate, such as have a cuddle and pleasuring each other. You can still be sexually intimate without having sexual intercourse

changing the time when you have sex, such as in daylight hours when you’re less tired

keeping the room and bed at a comfortable temperature

choosing a relaxing atmosphere.

When you are ready to start having sex again, think about the following:

avoid having sex after a heavy meal as there is a risk of indigestion after eating which can mimic chest pain. This may cause you to feel lightheaded or dizzy during digestion

avoid too much alcohol before sex as it could make you lightheaded and can increase the risk of arrhythmias

find a comfortable position that works for you

ask your partner to take a more active role

if you have a GTN spray or tablets, keep them where you can reach them just in case you need them.


Where to get more information

The Sexual Advice Association (SAA) has downloadable factsheets on a number of symptoms and sexual problems. You can show these to your GP and partner to help start a conversation. 
The SAA has created the SMART SAA app. Giving you information and advice on what you can do if you have any type of sexual problem or concerns. You can use the app yourself or with your partner. Download it via the App Store, Google Play or via the Sexual Advice Association website.
If you want to speak to a specialist doctor or therapist you can try: 

nstitute of Psychosexual Medicine – provides both private and NHS doctors specialising in sexual health across the UK. Although be aware that for a NHS consultation you will probably need to be referred by your GP. 

College of Sexual and Relationship Therapists – provides private consultations across the UK. You can search by location for a therapist. 

If you decide to have a private consultation, be aware that fees can vary. It’s worth ringing around to make sure you find someone you like, and that the timing of the appointment works for you (consultations over Skype and telephone are often available). The outcome is usually better if you go as a couple.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Quad73 said:


> @Young at Heart would you be able to verify the title and author of that book? I think it would be of great benefit here, and to others in higher age groups looking for alternatives to piv as well.


Still Sexy After All These Years by
Leah Kliger and
Deborah Nedelman

Some of the 9 thruths can be a little depressing for a man who emotionally needs sex with his wife. 

Some other resource sites.

AARP Great Sex without intercourse

Joan Price (Senior Sex author) website

Cornell University "How To" on Sensate Focus

Enjoy


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