# Betrayed Spouses: Did you ever hear remorse or get an apology?



## FrustratedFL (May 18, 2011)

Curious how many BS ever heard remorse or an apology from the Wayward spouse? 

After 16 years of marriage, I tried everything to get him to wake up from the fog of his affair. He threw away all trust in our marriage, alienated family and friends and barely ever calls or sees his daughter. 

I am now 14 months separated and in the middle of divorce. I waited a long time thinking he would show remorse and come back on his knees begging. 

My daughter nor I have never heard an apology or any remorse. That makes me angry. When I speak to him about anything, he completely goes dark or ignores any conversation abut infidelity.

Tomorrow we are going to a bankruptcy attorney to figure out what the hell to do with all the marital debt. Not sure if he will even show up. He ignores all the debt, the need to sell the houses, any parental responsibilities or lawyer requests. 

I am moving on but am curious if others truly ever get an apology.


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

Don't expect one. Sounds like your STXH is one of those narcissistic types that can justify everything. 

Why would he apologize when he is incapable of feeling empathy? His brain doesn't work like that. 

Sorry. But, you will be better off without him.


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## mama2five (Dec 29, 2012)

My H has been with multiple women and Ive never recieved an apology either. I agree their brains just dnt wrk like that!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FrustratedFL (May 18, 2011)

Agreed - Truly manipulative. His own siblings call him a narcissist. 

I was the best person to ever come into his life and made a home, gave him a child, worked full time everyday of our marriage, deposited every dime into a joint account, LOVE my in laws and still maintain a close relationship with all our mutual friends. 

He has a mistress that has 4 duis on record, pending embezzlement charges, is guardian to a very troubled 12 year old, low life job and cheated with a married man. I forbid any interaction with my daughter and divorce papers have a special morality clause based on this. 

To each is own. I know I will never get an apology, just kills me inside. I will forgive him one day but not today.


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## Disenchanted (Sep 12, 2012)

My apology was a demand for 400,000% more than I'm worth in court.

The OM called and apologized though, which I guess is rare.


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

I got one....but he wanted to stay. Sounds like your stbxh checked out and will not be checking back in. You might get one when his AP turns away, but I would not expect one.


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

8 months out....not one yet and do not expect one...someone told me by the time i get one i'll be long gone...so true....my son just texted me and told me the only family we have is him, his brother and me...so she is alienated now....i no longer care if i get one bc i do not want her back or care what happens to her anymore.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

My ex once told me the fact she fell in love with her first OM was therefore nothing to apologize for. She did for the second two but by then we were on auto pilot towards a divorce.


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## goodwife4 (Jan 7, 2013)

ThreeStrikes said:


> Don't expect one. Sounds like your STXH is one of those narcissistic types that can justify everything.
> 
> Why would he apologize when he is incapable of feeling empathy? His brain doesn't work like that.
> 
> Sorry. But, you will be better off without him.


i agree with this !

my hubby did apologize and said whatever i needed to do and whoever i needed to talk to he would take it. it has been over 2 yrs now and i am still struggling but if he hadn't apologized we would be getting divorced like you.


good luck


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## kruppmart (May 10, 2012)

Never. And it will never happen. Because she thinks she didn't do anything wrong. Serial liar. Serial cheater. Enough said.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

goodwife4 said:


> my hubby did apologize and said whatever i needed to do and whoever i needed to talk to he would take it. it has been over 2 yrs now and i am still struggling but if he hadn't apologized we would be getting divorced like you.
> 
> 
> good luck


So are you better off still married?


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## Carlton (Sep 15, 2012)

Only 5 months so far for me. She has apologized and said that the affair was wrong, but it was a symptom of a bigger problem, yes, you cheated.

She says she is sorry, but still is cheating with new OMs and has shown absolutely no remorse or will to R. Fine, we are getting divorced anyway, but would be nice to let me know so I am not her babysitter anymore.

Would be nice to have her come begging back in a year or two, but it will be too late and I am not going to hold my breath on that one.


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## January (Jan 5, 2013)

No, I have not. It's been two years now since I left him. In fact, he once told me he would never be sorry for what he did because he has no feelings towards others.

And yeah, sometimes it does still bother me that he has never been sorry but life goes on.


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

starting to see a pattern here...lack of empathy towards others....i recall before my ex had the affair...she got a few cooks fired at her work and I said to her "those employees had families to support" she did not care....then when she was issuing me ultimatims i said you might lose someone you love over something small....didnt care....


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## mama2five (Dec 29, 2012)

Its sad to see how many of us here have been thru the same bs! And treated so lousy by the same type of ppl! Makes me sick.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

FrustratedFL,

Dont expect your STXH to feel sorry.
You should feel sorry for yourself and your daughter - for having stayed with him in the so called marriage.

He is not worth thinking about. I know it is hard, but you must move on.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

My wife was apologetic not for the affair, but for how it had hurt me..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

My wayward spouse did the same things. That was nearly seven years ago. I never got an apology, nor was he remorseful. 

We were financially well off and lost it all due to my estranged husband's behavior. You will have to look after your own financial well-being. If you need to file bankruptcy, you can do that alone as well.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

I guess I'm one of the odd balls. My wife has shown tons of remorse and regret and I got a very heartfelt apology...along with a 3 page hand written one just at Christmas. It really sucks to read about so many who never got even a truthful apology.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

SomedayDig said:


> I guess I'm one of the odd balls. My wife has shown tons of remorse and regret and I got a very heartfelt apology...along with a 3 page hand written one just at Christmas. It really sucks to read about so many who never got even a truthful apology.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Dig - there are a few of us out here. It took 4 DDs over 3 months, but when my husband finally went NC, he was very remorseful, and by that time it was almost too late - I was ready to check out, but I stuck around and am glad I did. He is very apologetic and says very often how sorry he is and how he hates what he did and who he became over that time. Something finally clicked. It has not been easy, but it has been worth it. The remorse and apology make all the difference in the world. 

What is so sad is that while he was still in the fog he apologized, even shed tears. He struggled. There were many different things that kept me checked in - obviously my children, that I can't just shut off love for someone even even though I was nearly destroyed, and that aside from this (not that "this" wasn't enough), I felt that he was a good person and at one point in tme we were great as husband and wife. Went out of his way to help others, hard worker, pretty good dad (better now - he really sees what he almost threw away)....but he did have a selfish streak to him...not so much to coworkers or friends, but more to family, more to me. He is much different now. I think he needed to be humbled to be better. Without remorse and apologies, I would have had to check out. 

If he did not stop the affair, and 6 months - 8 months later came back to me to apologize, it would be too late. If he ever left and came back, even after a week, I think it would be too late.


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## artlady (Jul 17, 2011)

I'm another of the "oddballs". I did get remorse, and a lot of apologies for everything he did while we were separated. To this day, two years later, he still feels ashamed and remorseful over what he did and everything he threw away. Granted, the apologies didn't start coming until two weeks after we got back together and I found out, and he didn't completely leave his fog until about a month after R started, because he still thought of her as his "friend" (until I started digging up dirt on her, and the way she wouldn't leave him alone), but they did. If he hadn't been remorseful or apologetic, I would have gone ahead with the D.

Now, the POSOW, on the other hand? Nope, she doesn't think she did a thing wrong, even going so far as to claim she "saved" our marriage, and that she didn't sleep with him! Only the tip of the iceberg of what was wrong/weird about her.


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## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

No. I have never seen any real remorse in her after I discovered her affair. She hasn't even given me a heart felt apology. She is only sorry she got caught. If I would have gotten these maybe I wouldn't be divorcing her.

Also, her POSOM didn't apologize either...he tried to blame and insult me instead. He is a total narcissistic.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Decimated said:


> She is only sorry she got caught./QUOTE]
> 
> I think is the basis for most of the remorse in betrayers- for those who have any that is.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

That's a hard question to answer. Mine felt really bad for the pain it caused me, but was also mad at me for ignoring her pleas and warnings. She does say it was the biggest mistake of her life, so there is plenty of regret.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

MattMatt said:


> My wife was apologetic not for the affair, but for how it had hurt me..
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I also got a "sorry for the pain, but not the affair" apology right before he went on to blame me for the affair, and blame our daughter for exposing. So in my book, that wasn't much of an apology. No real remorse, no suggestion of R


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I've gotten about a thousand apologies, and he is definitely remorseful. I'm one of the lucky ones.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

I think it may have something to do with how long the cheating has been ongoing. My ex has only uttered a word or two of remorse when she has been down on her luck and is looking for a handout.
The rest of the time, she proudly declares herself an entitled "player".


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## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

Heard the apology but no remorse. I was blamed for everything. Feels like lip-service to get me off my guard so he can relax again to continue cake- eating or find a new cake.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

I heard apologies, and what sounded like remorse, maybe even some superficial changes to make it appear genuine. But it was obvious it was not true remorse.

The more I hang around these boards the more I think that a person who is truly remorseful of their cheating, and that will genuinely never allow it to happen again, is few and far between.

Most people that are capable of remorse, empathy, regret, etc. will not cheat in the first place.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

COguy said:


> The more I hang around these boards the more I think that a person who is truly remorseful of their cheating, and that will genuinely never allow it to happen again, is few and far between.
> 
> Most people that are capable of remorse, empathy, regret, etc. will not cheat in the first place.


So true, and such a sad comment on the state of the human race, since some estimates have over half of married people cheating


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## Disenchanted (Sep 12, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> So true, and such a sad comment on the state of the human race, since some estimates have over half of married people cheating


Yeah, and it's a real problem for we BS's who are newly single! How to trust again?!?!


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I don't think anyone, once betrayed, ever really and truly trusts again. Certainly not blindly. Call me jaded, but I highly doubt there's a single person on this planet who is worthy of 100% blind trust in everything.

That was one thing I thought long and hard about before R'ing with my husband. Sure, I can't trust him, but can I really trust any man? Whether they deserve it or not, I am ruined in that regard, and wouldn't be able to trust anyone, ever again, 100%. In fact, it's easier to trust my husband now because he's so transparent to me now. How could I go into a new relationship and tell them they needed to delete themselves from facebook, give me access to all their banking and credit card info, and their work email, and bring their work computer home periodically for inspection, and let me snoop through their drawers if I want to? Who would put up with that??


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Hope1964 said:


> Who would put up with that??


Someone who didn't have anything to hide and understood the importance of transparency. Namely, one who's been a BS before.

I agree it's difficult though, especially in new relationships, and especially with someone who hasn't dealt with it before.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

No real apology. Just crocodile tears, blame and excuses on D-day. Then more blame, projection and rug-sweeping as time went on. 



Disenchanted said:


> Yeah, and it's a real problem for we BS's who are newly single! How to trust again?!?!


Not that I'd date now anyway with a 3 MO. old baby, but I am taking a hiatus until I learn more about myself and red flags when it comes to dating. I know you can't always tell who'd be a cheat and who wouldn't but I am naive. I am too optimistic sometimes when it comes to the good in people. Eventually I hope to have an intact family again but I don't want to bring my baggage/trust issues and don't want to settle for more of the same.


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## daggeredheart (Feb 21, 2012)

I got two- Our counselor supplied him with the article about true heart felt apologies. It took him roughly two months to get around to writing one- and it felt clinical and disconnected. It didn't help heal. 

Second apology was legit but way less formal. He was at work and I was online and he sent me a chat. Basically he was looking over the last year of our phone bill usages and noticed the spikes in the graphs. They started at Dday- he could see that my minutes increased to several thousand as I spent hours on the phone with my mom and best friend reaching out for help. He also noticed the lack of minutes on his end- highlighting his lack of attention paid to me (he was too busy showing it to her)....he really felt remorse then. 

For him, seeing that graph slapped him in the face more than my tears and listless eyes did in all those months prior. His brain works better when faced with data. Makes it sound like I married a robot or something but at least that apology was really from his heart.


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## Disenchanted (Sep 12, 2012)

Miss Taken said:


> Not that I'd date now anyway with a 3 MO. old baby, but I am taking a hiatus until I learn more about myself and red flags when it comes to dating. I know you can't always tell who'd be a cheat and who wouldn't but I am naive. I am too optimistic sometimes when it comes to the good in people. Eventually I hope to have an intact family again but I don't want to bring my baggage/trust issues and don't want to settle for more of the same.


I'll just probably never get married again. And even though it's a mixed blessing, now that I can no longer procreate I know that the mother of my children will never cheat on me again, because there will be no new mother of my children.

I've been cheated on by gfs in the past and the difference is staggering, incomprehensible even.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

COguy said:


> Namely, one who's been a BS before.


Someone should start a dating site for BS's. The only criteria is that you have to have been cheated on by someone you loved for a year or more.


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## Hurtin_Still (Oct 3, 2011)

....after 17 years of 'reconciliation', I have yet to get a true heartfelt apology ...or any signs of "I caused you pain" type remorse from my wife. The marriage counselor had her SO hooked on the concept of her one-nighter (or so I was told) being BOTH of our faults, that her attitude was always one of _"If we're going to go on ...then you need to let it go, because it was your fault too"._ 

....as others have mentioned here, any sense of trust is completely lost ...in both her and most other things in life. I try to block it out a lot of the time ...but it's lingering there in the shadows all the time. It's pretty much a miserable way to exist .....but it might not be so bad if she ever actually had moments of gut wrenching remorse or pain associated with her actions. It almost sounds as if I'm saying that I'd be glad if she really got punishment for her deeds so that I could feel better ...and ...I guess I'd have to say "Absolutely".


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

My stbxw's "apology" was a rather half-hearted attempt to justify and rationalize her betrayal. It was done more for her than for me. I posted it earlier on when I first joined this board and was in rough shape, emotionally. Re-reading it now, it is actually quite funny.


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## jupiter13 (Jun 8, 2012)

It has been 486 days of tears since D-Day. I have received several apologies. While I feel he truly is remorseful I do not see him doing the full disclosure I am seeking. (I still have many questions but we sort of end up with hurt feelings, I get mad and he don't want to deal with it.) He pours himself in to our company and is even expanding. He is a great provider he seems to pride himself with that the most. He has bought me expensive jewelry, he asks me to plan trips for us etc etc. Yet we are not talking about what happened. It has been 6 months since I asked him to fill out an emotional needs questionnaire. I bought several books, all I've read but he hasn't even opened one of them. It's like anything to deal with emotions is not a priority to him. I would think it should be since if I really wanted to be a b!~~th I could close the doors on our business today right now. I have even looked into suing the other couple that targeted him but in doing so I would be putting our reputation at risk. I can't do that. I have even thought about suing him (we live in no-fault divourse state) in case my statute of limitation ran out for an intentional emotion distress which would simply help take his butt to the cleaners. If he continues to drag his feet when it comes to the behavior I need to heal we will not be moving forward but I will give it my best shot. I still cry everyday, I still feel worthless and not good enough. She is still here whenever he touches me.


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## Kaya62003 (Jan 8, 2013)

SomedayDig said:


> I guess I'm one of the odd balls. My wife has shown tons of remorse and regret and I got a very heartfelt apology...along with a 3 page hand written one just at Christmas. It really sucks to read about so many who never got even a truthful apology.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I am not holding out any hope that my STBXH will apologize for anything. It has been a month and I filed for divorce today. So I am glad that you received a "real genuine" apology.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bee2012 (Dec 8, 2012)

Apology I got from my h who had an EA for 7 months "I never intended for a friendship to hurt you this much!". And from the OW? "I am sorry our friendship caused you pain and I do hope me and your h can be friends again."
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

Heartfelt apologies and tears on DDay 1 . The apologies became 'sorry... I told you' as she went back to him (unknown to me).

Since NC and DDay 2 increasingly 'genuine' apologies with the remorse and depth of apology increasing in line with the realisation that, for the first and last time in our 25 years together, she pushed me too far.

Is/was it true remorse? Is she only sorry that the posom turned out to be the lying cheat everyone else knows him to be? Is she only sorry she got caught?

Who knows?

Does it matter? Actually - yes. A lot.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

Disenchanted said:


> I know that the mother of my children will never cheat on me again, because there will be no new mother of my children. I've been cheated on by gfs in the past and the difference is staggering, incomprehensible even.


I agree. Once kids are thrown into the mix it's much harder. A lot of my anger comes from the hurt that he caused our two kids. I just don't understand how you can be so selfish. Our baby has not bonded with him so far as a father. My ex could literally be anyone else when he visits him and the youngest would not know the difference. And our oldest has been an emotional wreck in the last few months. Seeing my kids hurting hurts me and makes me so angry at my ex for the unilateral decision he's made to cause that hurt.


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