# Sexless marriage for years (I'm only 34F)



## Readytodecide (Mar 23, 2021)

So, I got married very young at 22, before I had much experience with men and also sex. I feel like he and I had chemistry from like 18-21, but I was SO young! Since then, I just never really desired the sex part with him that much. It is not a low libido at all. We separated because of some issues on his part. I did meet another person and experienced a very strong sexual chemistry as well as sexual compatibility. I ended up getting back with my husband though because we have a child. Now, we have 2 kids. I do not know how to explain the issue, but we have fun together and I love him, but it feels more platonic. I just do not feel drawn to him in a sexual way. Several months would go by between sex, and I know this is my fault and he wants to be sexual with me. I do feel bad about this and that he is missing out. Now, we do talk about this and I am honest. Sometimes I feel like with me, I am the same pole of a magnetic, if this makes sense, I almost want to push him away. I just do not know how to explain the feelings. I know we did have 2 kids and we do enjoy time as a family, but this other important aspect is killing me. Besides lack of chemistry we are also not that compatible, He is very vanilla and I do like a bit kinkier things. He is very conservative. But, I have never wanted to do the things I really like to do w him either. Also, when it comes to going down on him, it is like it is hard for me to work up to doing this with him. I have to really psyche myself out. I've loved to do it with someone else I am drawn to that way. Also, the sex feels mostly like, just that we are not a good fit, the feeling of it. Sometimes I have tried to get him to hurry up. I know this all sounds insensitive but I am being honest. I asked him if he feels unhappy and what do we do, he tells me sex is not the most important things and he loves us together as a family. I do not want to break the family up either, it is so hard, but I am missing that sexual part of a relationship and I really want that. I think about these problems every day. I am now 34 years old and I wonder if most of my younger years will have passed by and I do not get to experience a sexual connection again. People may wonder why I stayed, but it was how I was raised, mom who says stayed for the kids when she should have left. She will never claim she should have though but I know they had and still have many dysfunctions. She never learned and even pressured me to get back with my husband after we separated to stay together for family. I know I know the answer, but it seems too hard to take action on.


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## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

A couple questions for clarity. The issues that caused you to separate, was he unfaithful? I ask because you say during the separation, you found another sexual partner, sometimes one follows another. Also, you say you don’t do the things with him you enjoy doing...



Readytodecide said:


> But, I have never wanted to do the things I really like to do w him either.


is that an indication that you’re sexually active outside your marriage – I ask because you said you didn’t have a lot of sexual experience before him. Sexless marriages seldom end well, if you think there is a reasonable chance of this getting better, you should investigate that. You have kids and a family, it might be worth a shot. 

But, ask yourself very honestly if your urges and desires can potentially exist within your marriage or if you see them fulfilled only outside/beyond your marriage. Your post seems to indicate you aren't really in it to make it better and you see your spouse as sexually incompatible. If you've convinced yourself he can't fulfill your needs, you may have already talked yourself out of it. But that's a talk you need to have with yourself.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

In my opinion all relationships have problems. Perhaps not initially which makes the grass tend to look greener on the other side of the fence, but after some time goes by you are in the same situation. 

What it boils down to is asking yourself if you are a happy person and you take responsibility for your own happiness. If the answer is YES, then the next question is asking yourself when something happens that makes you happy, who is the first person you want to share that with. Whoever comes to mind is the person that is your soulmate. 

Now if you are someone that expects your spouse to make you happy, then you have a tendency to be emotionally codependent. This could also be your spouse. When this dynamic happens there are always one person blaming the other and using a lot of guilt to try and manipulate the situation back in their favor. Relationships like this break down and/or become pretty toxic at some point. They can however spur self development and grow out of codependency but it will not be easy. My point being is that this dynamic tends to dampen sexual attraction as time goes by. 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

During your separation, you had sex with others are totally detached from your husband. Now that you’ve had sex with a more exciting sex partner(s) you can’t get into your husband again. 

You may need a sex therapy to help you get past this or your quickly going to end up being a wayward wife, if you’re not one already. I’m sure you don’t want to be the type of woman who betrays her kids father. So if you haven’t already betrayed him, just work on leaving him if you don’t have the patience to do therapy with your husband.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

If I were you I would work on it real hard but only for a defined period of time. If you can't fix it, then figure out if you can live with it because if it doesn't get better it's not going to get better.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

I don’t think it’s fair to him that you stay, he really deserves someone that thinks about having sex with him even when he’s not around. He needs to have a woman who desires him. You are being honest, and you clearly don’t feel this way about him.

You married very young and I see this happen all the time in our community, infidelity is rife. I come from a strict culture where people don’t really date before marriage and many women and men say the same things you do, and cheat on their spouses. It’s heartbreaking and unfair. Feeling undesired must be the worst. 

I hope that he does find another women and that you too can find someone to fill your sexual needs. I think you should leave and sow your wild oats. 

And when he does find that woman and you see him come alive, please never ever contact him again, especially if you decide he’s a catch after all.


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

Hubby must be taking care of himself to be so lackadaisical about sex. Either that or he's lying and trying to convince you both that sex isn't important so that he can keep his family together.

I also don’t understand how he’s supposed to try kinkier moves when you’re struggling with the basics with him and sex is so infrequent.

So what’s he done to turn you off? You said you were attracted to him previously... what happened?

The grass is always greener... the next guy might be hot initially but guess what- at 30-ish too he’ll be some other gal’s reject.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Her poor husband is not lackadaisical, he tries to get with his wife but she’s revolted by him so she mostly shoots him down. 

looks like she got with a guy who was much higher sex rank than her husband. So now that’s her new standard. Of course none of these hotter guys are looking to wife her up but she’ll find that out after she hits the dating scene as a mid thirties divorcee with 2 kids.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

Just sounds like never were compatible on a lot of levels...I don't understand why you would have even had a second kid..

It's never going to get any better, iMO...


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

You’re both miserable and unsatisfied together but yet you both are involved in your children’s lives and want to be there for them.

Very understandable as well as commendable. 

But let me pose an honest question - is there any reason you both can’t be loving, supportive and involved parents with a divorce decree and in two different houses??


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## shortbus (Jul 25, 2017)

What he said, give your poor husband a divorce, for his sake.
Best of luck going forward.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

It often happens that a couple become too familial and start to feel more like a parent or sibling or their kid than a spouse. The mystery is gone. Certainly cheating isn't the answer. Do the right thing and just leave him rather than cheat. And of course, if you don't feel sexy with him, don't have sex, but do not expect any man to want to keep a wife who doesn't have sex with them for long. I think you need to realize even though you're friends and like each other, the marriage part is over and try to just get out of it, divorce or whatever, and try to do it amicably so you can be chill and mature sharing the kids. You can't expect him to hang around just to be friends with you. It will only end bitterly.


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