# Too Young For This Drama-What To Do??



## aprilshowers82 (Nov 29, 2008)

My husband and I have been married 3 years. We have been together a total of 8. We met each other when I was 18, and a freshman in college. He was 23, living with his mother, but working and going to school. We actually met online, and things moved quickly. I had just broken up with my high school love of 3 years when we began talking to each other. My problem is that his jealousy is overbearing. After 2 nights of talking online when we first began talking, I revealed to him some extremely personal information. He ranted online that I didn't tell him the first night. 

When we started dating, he was constantly going to nightclubs, which I found made him interesting and intriguing. At 18, I had never attended any clubs, and looked forward to going with him. A month into our online relationship, he revealed that he doesn't like "club girls", and did not want me at any clubs..eventhough I was 800 miles away from him. That morphed into basically not wanting me around any men, and eventually girlfriends either..because they could let me into temptation. After about 3 months of online talk, he began accusing me of sleeping with people, including my ex(who lived 200 miles from me and didn't own a car). 

This jealous behavior escalated until we met each other in person after 8 months...I paid for him to come see me on Valentines day because that's the only way that he would come see me. He verbally assaulted me after we had sex, accusing me of sleeping with "the whole football team"..my ex was a football player. Rather than break up with him, I begged to understand him. I cried, I freaked out, and tormented myself. He was the second person I slept with. About 6 months later, fed up with having virtually no friends for over a year, I began ignoring his demands for me to stay at my home at night while he went to parties and clubs 800 miles away. I made some great friends, started working, and began going to parties regularly. My then boyfriend/now husband flipped out. He accused me of sleeping with my co-workers virtually everyday. But I never felt so free in my entire life the 3 months that I went out. I ended up having a pretty interesting emotional cheat with a guy I worked with, and we did kiss on multiple occasions. I really liked the guy, which made me feel horribly guilty and like a bad girlfriend. One night like all the others, my husband and I talked on the phone and he accused me of cheating-only this time he was correct. I found flatout lying to him unbearable, so I told him that in a druken stupor I had kissed this guy. He went bazerk and called me every name in the book. He said he wanted me to move 800 miles to be near him, that that was the only way our relationship would work. So I packed my bags(for other reasons as well), and moved to be near him.

For the first 2 years that I lived near him, our relationship was incredibly volatile. He accused me of sleeping with other guys, as always, only now that I had actually cheated, he had some real ammunition along with my guilt to feed the fire. He was still going to the club, but would press that I stay home for fear that he might get in a fight and get throw in jail if some man were to make a pass at me. I listened to him, partly out of guilt, and stayed in my dorm. After a year, I decided he wasn't going out anymore without me, and demanded that he stay home too. 

He hasn't gone to clubs in nearly 5 years, stopped drinking entirely(even w/ just the two of us), got a great IT job, and we got married and had a child. Problem is, I can't take not having close friends after 8 years. I'm only 26 and my husband is now 31. He is still very jealous. In fact, we came to my hometown for Thanksgiving, and we finally got to go on a date together. I told him that a guy friend of mine would like to meet up with both of us for a football game tommomrow, and my husband stated that he isn't interested..that he has to work. In addition, he stated that he is suspecious of me hanging around this guy who is the bestfriend of the guy who I cheated on him with. I've been friends with this guy since I was 10. We ended up in a big argument in which he stated that he still doesn't believe that all I did with the guy I cheated on him with was kiss him. He believes we were having sex and even thinks I had sex with my longtime friend since I used to crash at his house. 

The only time my husband wasn't jealous was when I was pregnant, and at the time we worked together. I was actually jealous then because he is the type that doesn't like to show physical affection towards me around other people he knows, but he is incredibly friendly with other women(always has been) almost in a way that I don't know him. I like outgoing people, as I am one, but my husband seems to only been friendly when he is not directly interacting with me. I have been a stay at home mom for 3.5 years now, and he has been working from home almost a year now. 

Jealousy is less of an issue, but now loneliness is the problem although I have finally made some older female friends(10-15 years older) that he doesn't mind me taking our son out with their kids during the day. Nonetheless, I feel I've aged so much in 8 years. I yearn to be with people my age. I want to go out to the occasional bar and have a drink or two-but my husband wont even do that with me. He has completely stopped drinking(after 15 years of partying) and now wont even have a sip of something with me at dinner! Further, our sex life died out 3 years ago with the birth of our son. When my husband first verbally accousted me, it was right after our first sexual encounter. He was my 2nd sexual relationship, I was his 10th. He puffed out his chest like he was a sex god at first, and it worked because he was more experienced and I listended to him-which he liked. 

I used to do anythng and everything he asked of me sexually, but he rarely ever responded to my request. In fact, he'd get upset that I had the nerve to make a request and would curse and throw tantrums and accuse me of all sorts of devilish things because of fantasies I shared with him and desires I had for the two of us. After I had my son, my desire for sex decreased..and my desire to have sex with someone who had no interest in pleasing me vanished. As a result, our marriage has been virtually sexless for years. 

I have bought books on sex, toys, suggested websites,etc..but he is just not a very giving lover. I'm am sexually liberal compared to him, eventhough he has had far more lovers. I want passion and a thrill, he just seems to want to get off. His way of initiating sex is to open his legs and say,"How about you give me some head." This pisses me off and turns me off. What do I do. I am quickly running out of any reason to stay in this marriage, and he too has mentioned divorce. He says I'm lazy,need to get a job(and be a full-time stay at home mom of our 3 year old), clean house better(much better), have sex with him, cook him 3 meals a day(since he works from home). I'm just tired and feel like I have little to look foward to in my current life with him.


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## Ask Eve (Jan 19, 2008)

This man is a control freak! Didn't you notice the give away signs even BEFORE you met him? Even after you and him first made love he was shouting at you yet you went ahead and married him!!!!

This man is VERY insecure and he's using you to get control and power. You're basically his doormat (and I don't say that to offend). As I see it you have 2 choices here:

1. Sit down with him and discuss boundaries in the relationship. You should be able to go out and have drinks with friends and he should be able to trust you. Explain to him how unhappy you are and how lonely you've become. You're 26 years old and you're living almost chained to the home.

2. The other alternative is to tell yourself enough is enough and leave. Tell him you need a break from him and find somewhere else to live for a while. Hopefully that will be the wake up call he needs.

~Eve~


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## aprilshowers82 (Nov 29, 2008)

I was 18 when we met and had just gotten out of a longterm relationship and my then boyfriend/current husband had me convinced that I was young, immature, and in need of "molding". In fact, he even said "mold" in relation to how he intended on working me. Yes, this screamed of "run the other way", but at the time I was recovering from an abortion that I felt incredibly guilty about. I think I felt like I needed guidance, or someone to hold my hand and help me through it. He posed as that person, which is why I stayed with him. He was the only person that I shared my pain with concerning that issue, and that tied me to him emotionally. 

I have discussed these things with him a lot. I am not a passive person, and so I ranting and rave right back at him when he begins behaving badly. It doesn't work, and I don't like who I am when I do these things. Our relationship involves regular screaming, cursing matches. I have tried writing letters, begging, and joining him. Nonethless, he will say with a straight face that we have a great relationship...eventhough I have told him for 7 years that we don't, and have begged him into counseling twice. I don't get it. He's a hardworker, nice to other people, and a decent dad. He will tell me, "go out with your friends", after we discuss things, and when I come home he will act strange around me, ask me who I saw, and if any guys hit on me. I honestly think that is all he cares about in regards to my friendships. I don't trust going out, even if he says that I should. He has run numerous as he calls it "test" on me, and I feel his compliance is just a trap-and everytime I have been correct. 

Because he is a good father, and both of us never even knew our own fathers, I feel like my leaving would be the cause of my son having the pain of no father in the home that we both grew up with.


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

Ask Eve said:


> This man is a control freak! This man is VERY insecure and he's using you to get control.
> 
> ~Eve~


:iagree: if you have had this for 8 years. its not about to just go away. he has serious issues. he is your own personal stalker.


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## aprilshowers82 (Nov 29, 2008)

justean said:


> : he is your own personal stalker.


I do feel like I have a personal stalker. Even before we met he demanded my email passwords and that I delete a social networking webpage. Seriously, I have no clue what I was thinking or have been thinking. He doesn't come off as a total psycho on a minute by minute basis and none of his friends(even long term) would suspect he is like this. It's only when he is deeply involved, I suppose, that this personality shows up. 

I am no perfect person, and that has also kept me with him. Anytime I discuss things with him, he craftily flips the script on me and makes the discussion about how many things I do and that he has done for me. I just can't stop thinking about our son when I consider leaving.


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

just remember no one is perfect.
his demands are his control.
as for children - its your child you must also protect.

i can tell you, yes i had stayed sometimes with my H for the sake of our children, but it didnt work. (early years)
i learnt it was better not to stay together for the sake of our children. at the time, i even found for our children they reacted better.
i know situations are different and outcomes can be certainly be different from my own.
but the thing i learnt from was trial and error. 
you have to find whats best for you.

your certainly not a happy person in yourself and in your relationship.
he keeps you like a caged animal and thats exactly what you are.
your freedom wil be allowed, when he allows it. 
i promise i see this situation going worse.


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## Ask Eve (Jan 19, 2008)

Can I ask your dates of birth? (Is he a Scorpio?) My bet is that he's had some bad experiences in the past (maybe he's been cheated with someone he cared a lot for) and he's now got a lot of insecurities. He's 5 years older than you too and thinks that this bullying is appropriate, after all he sees you as "his property!" He's also (like you) grown up without a father and because you're younger than him, deep down he might think you'll leave him for someone younger, after all his mom and dad split. There is a lot going on inside his head, it's getting to the root of what this is.

~Eve~


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