# Fear, I hate IT



## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

There it is out in the open: Fear that mind killer (Dune)

I need to get this out on black and white, to see this feeling for what it is: Fear that stops my progress and personal growth!

What am I afraid:

A new life; alone
A new job
A new town
New friends
No money
These feelings

Fear stops me in my tracks. I am frightened but I recognize it so what to do? 

The flipside of fear , is Faith. So that is the answer, I want Faith to walk this path of unknown and change. Faith will strengthen me for the growth, the progress; the leap into the unknown.

This is now about me not the STBXH (sorry narcisstist): how I grow and become whole again.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Ah, you've been disenfranchised by a narcissist. Questioning your own intuition, or rather, your ability to act on it. 

First of all, celebrate your freedom. You can now act on your intuition. Follow that. Forget about black and white. Accept murky brown. Out of mud arose life.

Do the little things that please you, build up your trust in yourself. Things you don't like or that scare you are going to appear in your new life, but you can smile at them and be a gracious host, observe their nature, and let them be. If you don't interact too much with them at a personal level, it's not a problem. 

Leaving a narcissist is very hard. And you did it!!!!

One day you will be doing something like grinding the coffee and you'll hear that voice in your head of the narcissist telling you how to grind it, and you'll just laugh. What a stupid way for someone to spend their time, telling another adult exactly how to grind coffee - day after day after day.


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

I am worried about money and being alone, too. I broke down this morning thinking "now no one loves me." Maybe I just needed to cry because that statement is ridiculous. So many people love me much more than that dumbass did!


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

Fear is the devil...plain and simple. I too fear the being alone, but I wake up each morning know that God is not fear and he has given me the power to rise above my situation and move forward with living a good life. I am determined to do just that...live life to the fullest and make the most of whatever is going on. You pray for me and I will pray for you.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

I fear that I have given the best years of my life to the wrong person. However, I have a D9 that makes that worthwhile and not a mistake.
When I was a youngster, I had a very stern and scary Dad. I love him, dont get me wrong, but one did what they were told for sure.
This somehow made me afraid of authority as an adult, and it appears that as soon someone else is assertive and demonstrating a bit of backbone, that I completely cave, to my own detriment.
This is not an easy thing to reveal or understand about oneself. I have forever been submissive to those whom have some control of some aspect of my life. Business owners/bosses, people I have had as friends that later Ive seperated from, and for the last 15 years, my wife. 
What is it this fear comes from? I have no idea but it sucks and sometimes I feel like a coward. 
Grow a pair they say, get thick skinned, show some backbone. I am no pushover by any means, but perhaps more concerned with what I stand to lose by the actions of these people.
Of course, my stbxw wouldnt have listened to me anyways, whether I was assertive or passive. It was the upheaval that I feared, and consequently the sadness that would come from our divorce.
The sadness that my D9 will experience. 
The jealousy and sense of being the fool who is played while my stbxw pretends she is as happy as ever, is involving herself with new men.
I could probably use some IC in my life.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

One day we should have a TAM convention, with our usernames written on our shirt tags. In the middle of the room will be a huge pinata, and we all get a swack at it.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Shoo, well stated: "I am no pushover by any means, but perhaps more concerned with what I stand to lose by the actions of these people."

I'm in the same club as you. It's not fear per se, we don't sweat or have axiety, we've just been conditioned over the course of our lives to submit to what we believe deep down is scary or somehow wrong. Right now I effin hate it and just want a mulligan in life with the right skill set this time to deal with all this. Why do we suffer while at the same time so easily see how wonderful life can be.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Ive struggled with the definition of "doing the right thing in my own mind, even as it appears as concession to a tyrant".
I guess I lack the "axxxhole" gene? But, of course, lacking that, will not prevent others from assuming I have it.. LOL.

One thing that saves me above all this, is seeing one of my current friends who has been thru all of this, almost to a "T".
His wife had EA's, was controlling, demanding, and neglectful.
They divorced.
However, he currently is living with a woman, that simply appears to be as freaking awesome of a person, a perfect fit for him and his interests, and he with hers. I think it has to do with the "nature" of this person he is with. Somehow not totally focused on themselves... who'd of thunk it?


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## caughtdreaming (May 30, 2011)

Sparkles, I have a lot of fears too. Some of them are the same as yours. 

Losing best friend forever.
Moving to new town.
No Money.
Being alone 24/7.
Starting school again.
No vehicle at moment.
No friends. 
Trying to make friends. 
Not ever being able to pay parents back $$$.
Trusting people again.
Fear of not ever being able to move on in life w/out H. 
Recently Ive developed a slight fear of people in general.

Ive already accepted I will never have love again like I have loved. So I might be alone the rest of my life, some people are. 

I have a lot to overcome too.


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## caughtdreaming (May 30, 2011)

Shooboomafoo said:


> One day we should have a TAM convention, with our usernames written on our shirt tags. In the middle of the room will be a huge pinata, and we all get a swack at it.


YES.


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

Shooboom,. I will travel for that convention as long as my H can be the Pinata LOLOLOL and everyone hit him really hard ;o)


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## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

Fear does suck but it is just an emotion, right?
I am not going to let it paralyze me not this time and I have overcome it in the past as well.

So many unknowns.

Once I sell this house, then I will really be plunging in, this holding pattern will be OVER. I can't wait.

stbxh says the most confusing things because he is so confused and in denial. At first I was confused because his actions and words were in direct opposition to each other. I am no longer confused, I am not the one that allowed my pride and ego to dictate my actions concerning the marriage. He has to live with it.

One of the last things I said to him was when you come out of the fog (of whatever you're going through I can't even guess) 6 months or a year down the road you are going to say WTF did I do.

Is that consolation for me? It was when I said it but no more because how does it really effect this outcome. Not at all.


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## dante (Jun 2, 2011)

Sparkles

Nice dune quote. Forgot all about that one. Now I have to pull out my dune DVDs.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

dante: pull out the book not dvds. The book is fantastic and the movie does not do justice to it. The politics alone are intriguing.

Once, again I am up early, bed early and not able to take any action until this house sells. I did have someone else look at yesterday, and there was a couple that came twice and took many photos so perhaps....

You know what is another emotion I could do without that plagued me: HOPE. That one was pretty bad too. It get giving me false indicators. I read love in everything because I was desperate for hope that this wasn't over.


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## caughtdreaming (May 30, 2011)

Sparkles422 said:


> You know what is another emotion I could do without that plagued me: HOPE. That one was pretty bad too. It get giving me false indicators. I read love in everything because I was desperate for hope that this wasn't over.


I concur. The slightest indication gives me a significant well of hope inside but it is false, and I make it up every time.
I would like to stop this madness of driving myself insane, but I don't know how


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## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

caught: someone wise told me to stop picking at the scab. I would deliberately do things that reminded me or made me not trust again by my actions (he is unaware, not even here on another vacation) and get me emotional all over again.

Today, I went throught all photos and removed pix of me and a few others, then I went through all cabinets, draws etc...and threw out 3 garbage bags of stuff.

Why am I doing this? I have no idea, the house hasn't even had an offer. But I feel compelled. I am just getting ready, mentally. My divorce court date is 7/19 and things are beginning to move. I had stagnated for 4 months: anger, grief etc...Maybe I am getting ready for what I don't know.


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## caughtdreaming (May 30, 2011)

yes, I have always picked at scabs but don't feel like I even have a scab yet. 

Getting ready mentally is always a good step. 3 garbage bags, wow!:smthumbup:
I left everything when I moved so have nothing to get rid of, nothing to part with. Even wedding photos all photos I left there. Now I am thinking this might not have been a good idea. I just left everything there in the heat of the moment, I guess I was upset, and will not get that emotion of throwing things away and mentally parting with the memories. I do have my wedding dress here, but the "wedding day" to me was not significant, the relationship was.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Shooboomafoo said:


> Ive struggled with the definition of "doing the right thing in my own mind, even as it appears as concession to a tyrant".
> I guess I lack the "axxxhole" gene? But, of course, lacking that, will not prevent others from assuming I have it.. LOL.
> 
> One thing that saves me above all this, is seeing one of my current friends who has been thru all of this, almost to a "T".
> ...


Well said! I had my doubts that there were woman out there that ACTUALLY LOVE, CHERISH AND RESPECT you. I have been conditioned over so may years of marriage to just accept the fact that my job was to make her happy! It occurred to me that it is a two way street - you give love and you receive it in return. I was all give - she didn't see it. So here I am. I have been so bitter about this whole ordeal that I thought I would find it IMPOSSIBLE to find another woman with the right "nature." I also have a friend that has been married 18 years now and his wife is awesome. Always showing affection, sweet as can be and I have NEVER heard him complain. Is it just luck? I dunno! I know one thing, I am going to be very selective if there ever is a next time. I have always been a loving caring, respectful person; that won't change. What will change is that I am a more experienced person now - I will have a partner who is equally committed to making me a priority in her life, and I will do that in return. I will not be a doormat again! I am looking forward to new adventures and memories. I hope you guys find the same.


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## dante (Jun 2, 2011)

Sparkles,

I tried to read the books once but couldn't get through them. Maybe now is the time. Have you seen the scifi channel version? I thought it was better than the original movie. Just checking.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

dante: Yes, I saw both and the "syfy" (why did they bother changing the spelling?) one was pretty good.

His son's books are pretty decent too.

Have you been following Game of Thrones? I was until my stbxh cancelled hbo....but I will re-read the books.


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