# Anger issues/ counselling/ trying again



## alone_not_lonely (Mar 22, 2012)

Ok, a more direct and to the point post this time. Any information would be welcomed.

Stbxh is talking of reconciling, but I will not even think about it until he undergoes counselling for anger issues. Was wondering if anyone had a spouse/ someone they knew or had themselves gone to counselling/anger management classes and could give me an idea of whether it was effective or not? Is someone who (and I feel so ridiculous even asking this as I know how pathetic it sounds) has had a history of being an abuser physically, emotionally and verbally likely to respond to counselling? Or is the old "they will never change, just get worse" more correct? 

I only ask as I do not want to throw everything away, as he had his great points- I did marry him after all. Unfortunately, the other abusive anger related things have become too much, especially now there is a child involved.

Thanks


----------



## alone_not_lonely (Mar 22, 2012)

.... Wow. Ok, sorry all, I kinda feel even sillier for posting lol
Thanks to all who took the time to at least view, even if no one has anything to offer


----------



## alone_not_lonely (Mar 22, 2012)

Thanks airplane!

He did indeed have a very rough childhood. Abuse, neglect and abandonment. To my knowledge, he was never encouraged by either parent to receive counselling to help him with what happened. And up until this point, he has refused even entertaining the idea of counselling. 

I suppose then that this anger is something he has carried with him throughout his whole life (he does get defensive so quickly when asked simple questions) in varying degrees. After that insight from you, I'm hoping that if he actually deals with these issues in counselling that there might be some hope of having him deal with things in a way that doesn't stem from anger.

However, as nice777guy suggested in the other thread I tried to get answers from, it would be still wise to keep distance while he undergoes therapy and until he has a proven track record of good behaviour.

I certainly don't want to hope for something that is not going to happen, but those couple of sentences you just offered up make me start to think that if he wants it bad enough, and the right tools are given to him to help him cope, it could be done.

Many, many, many thanks!


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Abusers rarely change. 
I personally wouldn't go to any kind of counselling with someone who was physically abusive.

Nonetheless--I do think if someone WANTS to change, they can.

But the chips are stacked against it in this situation. Abuse generally gets worse over time.

My ex was extremely emotionally abusive and it never ev er changed--it got worse w/ each passing day. We are divored now and it is still there, just underneath the surface. I am afraid for his next piece, whoever she may be.


----------



## alone_not_lonely (Mar 22, 2012)

Jellybeans- thanks for your reply also!

This is the flip side of the coin you mention that I am worried about. While I seriously hope that counselling could help him, it's really about to what extent? I keep wondering if it will just be an exercise for him to get better at manipulating, etc?

So, for someone who has been through it... does what I am saying just coming across as the abused woman syndrome spiel?? I want to be able to give him a chance, but I don't want to fall back into that mode of thinking either, and the lines are kinda blurring for me at the moment since he mentioned he would willingly go do counselling.

Thanks again for the input, it is really valuable to me to get some different perspectives and to know someone wants to help


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

No, you don't come across as "abused woman spiel" but it does seem like you are still in the mode of thinking that "maybe you can help him." (wait a minute, perhaps that is 'abused woman spiel.')

Thing is, YOU can't change him. You can't helphim. He has to do that all on his own, of his own volition. Oh sure, you can be supportive and set boundaries w/ consequences, letting him know what you will and will not tolerate--but in the end, the choices are his to make about his behavior. 

Say you do give him another change--say you tell him "I will give you 1 more chance but if you are abusive to me again hitting me/mentally abusing me, I am out the door"--and then you don't walk--then you are enabling him/letting himn know you are ok being his doormat/punching bag. If you, however, take a stand and he continues the same pattern--then leave--it's better for you and everyone involved. 

If he changes, great. But just realize--that has to come from HIM. He is the abuser--he needs to be the one to stop abusing.


----------



## alone_not_lonely (Mar 22, 2012)

Lol- I can't trust myself with these sort of thoughts. 

I've come to the conclusion he can help himself with this. My son and I moved out about a month ago, he overstepped the boundaries big time. HE can organise counselling, HE can go to it, HE is the one that needs to get his sh!t in order.

Yes, I am happy to give him the support from the (distant) sidelines, and POSSIBLY another chance if he manages to prove that he is getting better. But I'm wondering if by doing that I am undoing all the good work I did by leaving in the first place. Aaagh. Then I hear about your story where you walked away and didn't go back (very inspiring, strong lady), and while I feel inspired, I then go all weak about it again lol.


----------



## melissa68 (Feb 10, 2012)

Alone I can tell you that the only way I think counseling would work for your H is if he chose to go just for himself....not because you want it, or to get you back or any of those things....but because he realizes he has a problem and wants to work on it period.
My stbxh was just like that...verbally, emotionally and a couple of times physically abusive. After the physical abuse, I demanded he go and get help. We went together....after several sessions I realized it was more becoming my place to 'let it all out' and not his place to get help so I told him he needed to continue to go without me....he didn't. Be cautious and let him prove to YOU that hes changing....on his own.


----------



## alone_not_lonely (Mar 22, 2012)

Thanks for the reply Melissa, I'm sorry to hear you went through that 

I will back off from this point, and not ask whether he has done anything about it and see how motivated he is to do it for himself. He has said he knows it has created a problem, but he aslo was so good at telling me what I wanted to hear. I want him to get help, and I want it for him so bad because I know that there is a good person in there... somewhere.... but I do also want so badly for him to want it for himself. Will practise doing nothing and seeing what comes of it.

So much gratitude to you guys for the replies, it has definitely left me feeling better about the situation and if I happen to report that I have fallen off the wagon here and let him anywhere near me before he has shown a hint of change... I will gladly accept any comments that come my way. I promise I won't be on here whining that I did the wrong thing


----------



## OldGirl (Feb 20, 2012)

Bump to help a friend


----------



## melissa68 (Feb 10, 2012)

It's so hard. My stbxh seemed to have times where he was so thoughtful and loving and such a good daddy to our little boy and those were the times I hung on for....and still would be in all honesty if he were willing to try. I guess that sounds pretty cliche....but I understand what you're saying about a good man living under all the anger and rage. I wish my stbxh would have an 'epiphany' and see the damage he's caused and what he's lost over his rages and running away and want to change. Even if we never got back together it would be so great to see a change for him and for our son... Hugs!


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

alone_not_lonely said:


> Then I hear about your story where you walked away and didn't go back (very inspiring, strong lady), and while I feel inspired, I then go all weak about it again lol.


It was not an easy decision to come to. I'd spent a very long time trying to talk to him to get him to see how his behavior was affecting our marriage/me, trying to get him to go to marriage counselling, crying, calling him, writing letters, the works--he simply did not want to acknowledge that he was hurting me. It was his way, or no way. He told me as much. 

Leaving him was 1 of the hardest things I've ever done--you see I loved him. But I did not love the monster that lived inside him. It's so hard to separate this person you love sometimes from the abuse once you are in it. I never thought I'd be one of those women who was in an abusive relationship--but I was. 

Read a STAT somewhere that says it takes someone about 8 tries before they finally leave an abuser once and for all. 

It hurt me to leave my ex--but the pain of staying would have been much worse. I was in such a bad place in that relationship--would go to bed and wake up crying. He simply did not care about my feelings and told me so. That is when I realized it was time to get the hell out of dodge. But in the thick of it, I couldn't see it for what it was at the time.

My heart really goes out to you and I hope you find your way. It sounds lke yu've already taken steps to get away from him.

Good.

And especially because you have children--raising them in an environment where daddy abuses mommy is in itself abusive. Your children will learn that behavior or learn to think they should tolerate it.

Be their role model.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

melissa68 said:


> It's so hard. My stbxh seemed to have times where he was so thoughtful and loving and such a good daddy to our little boy and those were the times I hung on for....and still would be in all honesty if he were willing to try.


That is the cycle of abuse.


----------



## OldGirl (Feb 20, 2012)

Glad you're getting more answers today


----------



## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

alone_not_lonely said:


> .... Wow. Ok, sorry all, I kinda feel even sillier for posting lol
> Thanks to all who took the time to at least view, even if no one has anything to offer


Don't feel silly. Good luck! Many of us would have liked our wayward to talk about R and yet they haven't.


----------



## alone_not_lonely (Mar 22, 2012)

OldGirl said:


> Bump to help a friend


Hehe, thanks lady, you're invaluable


----------



## alone_not_lonely (Mar 22, 2012)

Sorry Mama, I didn't want it to feel like a slap in the face to anyone. I hope things are improving for you


----------



## alone_not_lonely (Mar 22, 2012)

melissa68 said:


> It's so hard. My stbxh seemed to have times where he was so thoughtful and loving and such a good daddy to our little boy and those were the times I hung on for....and still would be in all honesty if he were willing to try. I guess that sounds pretty cliche....but I understand what you're saying about a good man living under all the anger and rage. I wish my stbxh would have an 'epiphany' and see the damage he's caused and what he's lost over his rages and running away and want to change. Even if we never got back together it would be so great to see a change for him and for our son... Hugs!


I hope for his sake he realises what he's lost in you and your son, and does something to better himself. It's sad when people are just too damn angry with the world and themselves and take it out on those who love them.


----------

