# I need advice



## katies (May 19, 2015)

It's my 50th birthday Thursday. We are planning on being at our lake home with 3 of our 4 kids (all adult) and my Mom and sister are also planning to visit. They will be at a hotel. Mom and Sister live far away so when sister comes to the midwest, she takes her DD (age 8) to see our Dad. Mom and Dad have been divorced for 40 years!
This freaks Mom out. She wants sister to choose for her daughter to spend time with either Mom or my Dad. And if it's Dad she'll have nothing to do with sister or the little girl. 
Last night Mom called and said she had many conversations with a child psychologist and how traumatic it is for the little girl to have this conflict. Ya think? I said, then don't have the conflict. She kept saying, but do you know what he did to me? I said i don't care. I don't care WHO sister spends time with, it's none of our business. Mom said she needed to be prepared when little girl talks about Grampa. I said how about you just don't care who she sees. I said if it was my granddaughter I don't care WHAT my husband would have done, it won't take away from time with her.
Mom is making my sister choose. And by all rights, my Dad is an a$$hole. He left us and had another family. But it's her right to have her DD see him/and his family.
I am LIVID that my Mom called me and wanted to know who they were seeing in the midwest (I have no idea, sister never told me, nor do I care) and I am LIVID that this week now has a damper on it and likely there will be a crisis when they arrive. I told her how UNFAIR This was to me.
Seriously, WHY would someone have this grudge 40 years later and let it affect their relationships now? She doesnt' get that he/or whatever that event is holding power over her now. 
I'm not sure what to do. 
I am questioning this "child psychologist" saying that it's traumatic for the little girl (of course it is) but she needs to cowboy up and just be in her life... 
I don't understand this at all. 
And, I'm royally pissed at my sister for horning in on this vacation because she did last year too - it's not a family reunion. I invited my Mom and sister invited herself.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

katies said:


> It's my 50th birthday Thursday. We are planning on being at our lake home with 3 of our 4 kids (all adult) and my Mom and sister are also planning to visit. They will be at a hotel. Mom and Sister live far away so when sister comes to the midwest, she takes her DD (age 8) to see our Dad. Mom and Dad have been divorced for 40 years!
> This freaks Mom out. She wants sister to choose for her daughter to spend time with either Mom or my Dad. And if it's Dad she'll have nothing to do with sister or the little girl.
> Last night Mom called and said she had many conversations with a child psychologist and how traumatic it is for the little girl to have this conflict. Ya think? I said, then don't have the conflict. She kept saying, but do you know what he did to me?* I said i don't care.* I don't care WHO sister spends time with, it's none of our business. Mom said she needed to be prepared when little girl talks about Grampa. I said how about you just don't care who she sees. I said if it was my granddaughter I don't care WHAT my husband would have done, it won't take away from time with her.
> Mom is making my sister choose. And by all rights, my Dad is an a$$hole. He left us and had another family. But it's her right to have her DD see him/and his family.
> ...


How would you feel if someone you felt close to said this to you about your rape or your husband's affairs?


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

jld said:


> How would you feel if someone you felt close to said this to you about your rape or your husband's affairs?


if someone told me that, 40 years later, I was carrying a grudge that affected my relationship with my children and grandchildren I would be mortally ashamed and realize I need to change. That isn't to say I didn't still hurt, but when it impedes the family situation, um no. 
And I would NEVER tell my own children what happened between their dad and I in a way that would impact their relationship with them OR make them choose.. I mean really?


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

"Mom called and said she had many conversations with a child psychologist" errrmmm wot?

Unless gramps is a child perv, time for Mom to grow up and get her big girl panties on (although beating she's actually psychologically incapable of doing that, as referring such things to an authority figure, points to her own patriarchial social issues). <-- also probably why your Mom and sister travel as a paired gaggle of hens/

So Dad's an ahole, but is he cooperative arranging around the Mom. good that daughter meets Grampa, but what are they going to do together - they are two strangers with not much in common. and when they part he's not going to have much contact so having some ideas what they can do to leave her a happy memory and a face to the name - but really there doesn't need to be more time than that with people who aren't going to have on going contact. Just knowing grampa made a special effort to see just her, is probably going to have the most impact (that and teaching her how to play poker  isn't that the kind of things grandpa teach their granddaughters?). 

the only "psych damage" if grandpa is a perv, or people kick up a fuss about him; which is probably the exact imprinting you Mom is hoping to achieve on the child. things like why they don't live together is as simply as grandpa did something that wasn't nice to grandma so they couldn't live together any more which is why we don't get to see grandpa much. Kids understand people being mean to each other, and don't need the details (or the old "when you're older") works. And if he seems ok to the daughter, it doesn't commit people to explainations, and things like "yes he's sorry now ("and has changed" if you're never going to see him alive) but grandma still gets upset about it" explains why grandma doesn't like grandpa (the obvious question to the childs mind) without making trauma or excessive drama about the issue.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

I agree with you katies...I think your mom should go to counselling for HERSELF instead of spending time talking to a child psychologist.


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## Nix2 (Jun 16, 2016)

katies said:


> It's my 50th birthday Thursday. We are planning on being at our lake home with 3 of our 4 kids (all adult) and my Mom and sister are also planning to visit. They will be at a hotel. Mom and Sister live far away so when sister comes to the midwest, she takes her DD (age 8) to see our Dad. Mom and Dad have been divorced for 40 years!
> This freaks Mom out. She wants sister to choose for her daughter to spend time with either Mom or my Dad. And if it's Dad she'll have nothing to do with sister or the little girl.
> Last night Mom called and said she had many conversations with a child psychologist and how traumatic it is for the little girl to have this conflict. Ya think? I said, then don't have the conflict. She kept saying, but do you know what he did to me? I said i don't care. I don't care WHO sister spends time with, it's none of our business. Mom said she needed to be prepared when little girl talks about Grampa. I said how about you just don't care who she sees. I said if it was my granddaughter I don't care WHAT my husband would have done, it won't take away from time with her.
> Mom is making my sister choose. And by all rights, my Dad is an a$$hole. He left us and had another family. But it's her right to have her DD see him/and his family.
> ...


I am very sorry that your mother is making YOUR big day all about HER. Your mom sounds like she has a narcissitic or borderline streak. Her behavior certainly fits the profile (selfishness, citing 'expert opinion' ie; a child psychologist to justify her warped views). 

I guess if I were you, since you do not want your sister there to begin with, I would tell her to stay away. It is your day and you should spend it with whom you wish.

That would solve the immediate problem, but I'm sorry your family is at war this way. I am having problems in this area too and I feel for you.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Are you able to say how you feel? Are you able to uninvite her if you dont want her there?

It's ok to have an opinion and it's OK to express it. I get this - my SIL has an amazing ability to try to call or get involved from afar when others are visiting us, and she used to try to get everyone involved in events (sort of pile all the relatives into your event). Alas many are gone now so maybe in time your problems will be solved due to the passage of time


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

I will tell my sister how I feel. Can't uninvite as she's from
Seattle coming Minneapolis way. Mom- that will be harder. Talked to therapist today. Set boundaries, she said. The sad thing- mom doesn't think she's doing anything wrong.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

katies said:


> I will tell my sister how I feel. Can't uninvite as she's from
> Seattle coming Minneapolis way. Mom- that will be harder. Talked to therapist today. Set boundaries, she said. The sad thing- mom doesn't think she's doing anything wrong.


Exactly "mom doesn't think she's doing anything wrong". Sorry but you have to be the first generation to change the dynamics even in your advanced years (he he I've got 4 more than you).


Seriously - this is your chance to be honest, be open and be true to yourself. It's your chance to speak your mind BEFORE you hold it in, let it fester and ferment, and then unleash it.

Healthy dialog means saying when your boundaries are crossed, and having the self esteem to know its ok if your needs are different than moms.

I get it. It'll take time. But the only one who can change this dynamic is you.

BTW I am blunt and my W avoids conflict - therefore she ends up with MORE conflict because these situations are allowed to arise. I get it. But you can change it. I hereby empower you!


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## Unicus (Jun 2, 2016)

Awwww......Happy Birthday, Katie. They missed that point. That's family for you.

Here's what I'd do: I'd get them all on a conference call and repeat for them what you so eloquently and intelligently did here for us, and tell them it's YOUR birthday AND YOUR RULES. If they cannot accept them, they should consider themselves uninvited.

And your mom using "Many talks with a child psychologist" to conflate her issues with the child's is really reprehensible for it's deceitfulness and bold faced manipulation. 

I'm with you on this, hun...


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

I'm not getting why this would be traumatic for the 8 year old. Only if Grandma makes it all about herself and personally traumatizes the kid. Forty years? Let me guess - your mom never dated or thought about remarrying after the dirty deed? She has kept this pain forefront and center all these years. Yeah, she needs counseling.

Since Sis won't be staying with you, you can't really tell her not to come. You can tell her that you don't appreciate her getting your mom all stirred up on your day of celebration. If they're going to make this all about themselves, then you'll mail them a piece of birthday cake. Good luck and Happy Birthday!


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

Nope she's in a long term relationship, 20 years now. But... I agree with the child psych. Last time this happened mom had a meltdown and the little girl WAS traumatized. She even asked her if she loved grampa more than gramma! I'm not sure why my sister is even doing this because of this incident! However, don't have conflict = no trauma. 
Why the child psych didn't say get over yourself I'll never know.


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

was it bad of me not to want to hear what he did to her? Why should she want to tell me? What does it have to do with me?


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## Pinksapphire (Jun 18, 2016)

I think you mother needs counseling and your sister needs to wait to be invited in future. Have a gentle conversation explaing how every family event becomes a drama and its you and your family and this poor child that suffers.

Your mother is like mine . Everything needs to be done to accomodate her and she "helps" in ways that are helpful to nobody at all. I feel your pain.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

katies said:


> was it bad of me not to want to hear what he did to her? Why should she want to tell me? What does it have to do with me?


A lot of grown daughters act as sounding boards for their mothers. If you are 50, she is probably 75 or so? She is unlikely to change at that advanced age, Katie. Or not without some empathy.

Why not show her some empathy? Empathy is not agreement. You can listen and empathize and in doing so, give her emotional oxygen and help stabilize the whole situation.


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## Unicus (Jun 2, 2016)

katies said:


> was it bad of me not to want to hear what he did to her? Why should she want to tell me? What does it have to do with me?


It's YOUR birthday, and your 50th! So, no it wasn't "BAD" that you didn't want to make it about her, silly. There's a time for her, and a time for you, and your birthday constitutes the latter for me. Besides, her need to unload on you isn't some empathy thing, it's really a very self serving way of her getting what she wants here...control.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

katies said:


> Nope she's in a long term relationship, 20 years now. But... I agree with the child psych. Last time this happened mom had a meltdown and the little girl WAS traumatized. She even asked her if she loved grampa more than gramma! I'm not sure why my sister is even doing this because of this incident! However, don't have conflict = no trauma.
> Why the child psych didn't say get over yourself I'll never know.


Wow. Wonder if her partner ever told her to get over it. He must feel real special to her. For your mom to put her feelings over those of a child is deplorable.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

katies said:


> I will tell my sister how I feel. Can't uninvite as she's from
> Seattle coming Minneapolis way. Mom- that will be harder. Talked to therapist today. Set boundaries, she said. The sad thing- mom doesn't think she's doing anything wrong.


If you properly set a boundary, it does not matter if the other person thinks they did anything wrong. 

Your boundary is what YOU set for your own protection (don't bring dad up) and the consequence that goes along with the boundary is what YOU then do to protect yourself (leave the room).

Notice how it doesn't require her participation, nor her understanding, nor her agreement?


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