# What else can I do now?



## Stephanie.Jackson (Jun 22, 2012)

I decided to start another thread since my old one kinda went all over the place. But I feel like I am at a limbo and that I could be doing more but I am not sure what else I could be doing...

I've moved out like he asked and got my own place.

I gave him the code to my place and although he forgot it, he did come by this morning to hook speakers up around the TV for me. And he stayed for about 45 minutes and we just talked about random things, but that may be because he had just finished working a 29 hour shift and he was dead tired on my couch.

I went to a counselor and I feel like NOTHING was accomplished with him, it was a pretty poor session and he didn't help at all. I feel like I need to keep seeing a counselor but now I don't know what we'd talk about seeing as my husband wouldn't be there I don't think. At least not yet.

I've been reading my books on being a better wife, and ways to cope with an affair, and why I may have had my affair. He's seen me reading these books and although he hasn't said anything about them, I can tell he appreciates it.

We had a long text message conversation last night while he was sitting at his work desk for 29 hours. We also had a 30 minute phone convo just for fun while I was grocery shopping. Neither of these conversations included the OM, the affair, or any anger. In fact, my mom and I are taking a painting class this weekend and are also looking into cooking classes so that I have new hobbies and things to discuss with him, and when I told him about this he got excited for me and was thinking about new hobbies he may look into.


Well I am kinda outta ideas now. And the idea of me just sitting here and waiting while not doing anything to help our marriage seems unproductive. He's going outta town for about 2 days again this weekend, which worries me because his dad is gonna drill back into his head that I am no good and to never talk to me again basically, which will set us back a few steps. Is there anything I could do???? And I am confused as heck about my counseling session still. Isn't that supposed to be helpful? The counselor was more confused than I was, and spent 25 minutes or so talking about his own dang marriage.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

I'm going to answer this because i sense this board is populated by many people who will have little sympathy for you and this thread will probably need a bump before long.

What you need to do now is suffer a bit. Not trying to be cruel or anything. But right now things are off your hands. You've relinquished the control of the relationship by cheating. If you want to have a chance at saving it then you need to allow your man time to position himself since you seem to be doing everything you can to make known you want to be with him. 

Just hope it's enough. It takes a man all his self control to swallow his pride and take a cheating woman back. Don't push it too much or he may snap. 

About the MC thing, listen to what is being said. He is not talking about his marriage. He is using it as an example of positive and negative things. And you really want to pay attention to that.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Just like nobody can control you, you can't control what your husband will do. Your husband is an adult and despite what sh!t his father might say about you, he is old enough to make his own decisions. Stop looking at your husband as though he was a child.


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## BigLiam (May 2, 2012)

Right, back off and try to live a life of integrity. Chips will fall where they may.
And, burn those stupid books. For the most part, they are worthless.IMO.


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## resetbuttonpushed (May 13, 2012)

Affairs take a lot of time to heal from, it could take months or years for your husband to have trust in you again, it could take months or a year for him to make a decision on whether to remain married to you... the deal with his Dad, just another consequence of having an affair you need to deal with. You need to also realize your husband is still in a state of shock, you have other stages to go through with him, and have yet to see his anger.... and hurt. I would journal your own thoughts, details of the affair entirely, because your husband will want to know all details, anything you have ever lied about, etc.... you can go ahead and use some time to write it all down... tell friends what is going on, confess to them, do you want them to hear it from him, or from you? He will out you to them....You can initiate the consequences early yourself, show your husband you are facing things head on, and find another counselor.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

And do not ever, EVER contact the OM again! For any reason! Think of him as dead.


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## BigLiam (May 2, 2012)

And, stop F'ing men behind your partner's back for a change.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

BigLiam said:


> And, stop F'ing men behind your partner's back for a change.


:lol:

Well, i saw that one coming... 

I forgot to comment on this bit



> which worries me because his dad is gonna drill back into his head that I am no good


Well, to be blunt, in the eyes of a caring father... You are no good. Just imagine having a son and finding out his wife was doing what you did!!! How happy would you be. To make it clear, right now your hubby is facing not only his own demons, the ones that you gifted him, but he is also having to justify himself to his own loved ones. Why is he staying with a woman that humiliated him like this?

Your part in that is make it easier for your hubby to defend you. Give no reason for a "i told you so".


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

*I feel like I am at a limbo and that I could be doing more but I am not sure what else I could be doing.

I've moved out like he asked and got my own place.

I gave him the code to my place.

I went to a counselor.

I've been reading my books on being a better wife, and ways to cope with an affair, and why I may have had my affair. He's seen me reading these books.

My mom and I are taking a painting class this weekend and are also looking into cooking classes so that I have new hobbies.

Well I am kinda outta ideas now. And the idea of me just sitting here and waiting while not doing anything to help our marriage seems unproductive.*

Sounds like you're ready to just put the affair in the past and live happily ever after with your husband, if only he would get over it already.

*Neither of these conversations included the OM, the affair, or any anger.*

Lack of anger is probably not a good sign for you at this point. The opposite of love is not anger, it's indifference. We get and stay angry at people we love who have hurt us. We get over it very quickly if we no longer care about that person and we divest ourselves emotionally of that person. 

*His dad is gonna drill back into his head that I am no good and to never talk to me again basically, which will set us back a few steps. *

Young marriage, no kids, cheating spouse: Most dads, and moms for that matter, and friends, probably would give this same advice.


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## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

Individual Counseling (IC) is something you may want to look in to. You mention having an unproductive session, sometimes it takes a few sessions to establish a good dialogue with the counselor. If a few sessions go by, and you still feel like nothing noteworthy was accomplished, look for a different counselor.

As mentioned in this thread, all you can do at this point in time is work on being a better you. 

Best of luck, and I hope you and your H have a chance to R.

-P


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## Stephanie.Jackson (Jun 22, 2012)

Oh my husband is most definitely angry, I am not saying he is indifferent. But he told me he wants to start seeing me when he believes most of our convos will be about our day to day lives and that this issue will be an afterthought. He wants to move past it I can tell. He is calling me baby, sweetie, bae, all the old terms of endearment again. He has also started joking around about the things we used to, and although when he asked me to move out he said we should start off seeing each other extremely slow, like once every week or two, he has actually been seeing me every day still. 

His dad can have whatever thoughts he wants. And no, if I had a son whose wife cheated on him, I am almost certain that while I would be disappointed in her, I wouldn't hate her or talk crap about her. Just like when my whole family thought he cheated on me 2 years ago, my parents were disappointed but still were supportive of our marriage and still made sure we could work it out (since we both wanted to). His dad is extremely self absorbed and doesn't even trust his own wife. He thinks he is God's gift to the world and talks down on everyone, including his son. In the past, his dad has swayed him to do things he shouldn't have done. I don't know if he is still listening to him or not, because even my husband understands how his dad is. I never looked at my husband like a child, that is another assumption made by someone on this forum. Not surprised anymore.

And no the counselor was honest to God just talking about his marriages. Only one reference he made to his first marriage was somewhat related to what I was even there for, and it was all of a 15 second part of his 30 minute ramble about his past. If you still think I just must have not been paying attention or putting the pieces together, he spent about 10 minutes talking about Vietnam and what TV shows him and his first wife liked to watch together 30 years ago -_-
I went ahead and scheduled an appt with a totally different counselor. I would have stuck around with him to see how he'd turn out, but with the army I only get 12 free sessions and so I'd like to get the most out of those 12 that I can, and if I need more than I will most definitely contribute out of pocket, as long as I find a good counselor. 

And I am sorry that because I want to do as much as possible to help him heal and mend our relationship (as long as that may take) that you assume that means I just wanna pretend like it didn't happen and just basically nag him to get over it. Sometimes I really wonder if yall are just halfway reading a post and then angrily typing a response that makes no sense or has any factual grounds to it. 

Oh, and I actually am enjoying the books. What is wrong with the books lol? It's been helpful so far. Plus it keeps me busy in my townhome  I can honestly say they have been more helpful then the first counselor I went to... that still irks me.


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## Stephanie.Jackson (Jun 22, 2012)

costa200 said:


> Your part in that is make it easier for your hubby to defend you. Give no reason for a "i told you so".


That's my goal. It seems like I've made several stupid choices this year which is totally out of character for me. And not just in my marriage, in other aspects as well. I need to get my head back on straight.


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## BigLiam (May 2, 2012)

Well, just don't do any more guys, okay?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Keep going to IC. Start waayyy back into your life and move forward. Dig and dig deeper. 

And then, you'll just have to sit with this for a long while. THIS is the 'afterglow' of an affair that isn't written in romance novels.

You made a choice to cheat. He made a choice to ask you to leave. Now you have to make a choice--- work on yourself, or sweep it away. For the time being, your husband and you are apart. Dig deep. Figure out the person you want to be and become it. Give no excuses for your actions. Just be still for a while.


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## BigLiam (May 2, 2012)

that_girl said:


> Keep going to IC. Start waayyy back into your life and move forward. Dig and dig deeper.
> 
> And then, you'll just have to sit with this for a long while. THIS is the 'afterglow' of an affair that isn't written in romance novels.
> 
> You made a choice to cheat. He made a choice to ask you to leave. Now you have to make a choice--- work on yourself, or sweep it away. For the time being, your husband and you are apart. Dig deep. Figure out the person you want to be and become it. Give no excuses for your actions. Just be still for a while.


Nice avatar. Saw "Brave" with the kids this weekend. Not bad, but I liked "Up" a little more.


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## Stephanie.Jackson (Jun 22, 2012)

Lol totally unrelated but every time you wrote "dig deeper" it reminded me of the Insanity workout 
But yeah that makes sense, I think I am beginning to do that on my own. Seeing as I've never taken a painting class or cooking class. And my regular nursing school classes start up in like 17 days so that should keep me busy.
Lol and no I am not looking for any other man. 

So here's a question. Sometimes he initiates contact and sometimes I initiate contact. About 65% of the time it's asking each other for favors or figuring out some quick info. The rest of the time it's us just talking and joking around like normal. Should I keep initiating contact some of the time, or should I just stop and wait for him to contact me? Cause in the beginning of all this, he said HE will initiate contact and seeing each other if he even decided to do that. But we're seeing each other daily and calling/texting each other about 10 separate times a day. I want to respect what he said earlier, but at the same time he isn't even doing what he was saying he would and so I feel if i just cut down on my contact with him it may make him feel I don't care anymore or something?


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## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

You should ask him that question, exactly as you've asked it here.


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## Stephanie.Jackson (Jun 22, 2012)

Yeah I guess. I am afraid of everything I do that is forward and assertive like that for fear of pushing him away, especially since I feel we are slowly making progress. I will wait till he comes home, whenever that is. Hopefully Sunday.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Well, if you push him away, you have your answer, no?

DO NOT LET FEAR GUIDE YOUR LIFE.

Get answers from him. Don't be needy, but just state that you would like to know clear boundaries as you respect his...now.

I would probably wait for him to contact if i was in your situation...hard as it may be. But don't rug sweep your affair. He is in a ton of pain right now and reaching out to you through silly texts, etc, is probably relieving some of his pain. However, don't think for a minute that his soul hasn't been ripped out or that you're on a clear path to reconciliation. That could and probably will take a LONG TIME.

Best you can do is work on you and implement the change in your life. Why did you cheat? Do you even know? Without blaming him for anything, do you know?


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## Stephanie.Jackson (Jun 22, 2012)

I have no blame to put on him. Yeah, okay our sex life wasn't good at all to me but it was to him, but that had nothing to do with it because I had been putting up with it and had no intentions of cheating. Not until he deployed for a year and I got lonely. So my choice to cheat (stupid stupid me) was pretty much all on me. No motivators besides pure loneliness. If the sex thing were maybe a motivation (sometimes I think what if we had mind blowing sex all the time, I would have turned the other cheek with the OM because I knew what I'd be getting when the husband got home), it would only be like 10% of it at best. IDK though, maybe in counseling I will discover it was more than that and I was longing for good sex again. But for now I know that me being lonely is what caused this affair and I place no blame on him.

I will just say to him I am confused and I will wait for you to contact me as I want to make sure you don't think I'm smothering you. Or something better worded but along those lines.


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## BigLiam (May 2, 2012)

Uh, you might want to hold off on the quality of sex complaints for the time being. I suspect that might hurt his feelings .


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Here's what you can do:

1) Never, ever cheat on anyone, ever again
2) Just live a good, positive life
3) If you want him back, do NOT go out drinking with friends, ever
4) Live like a nun
5) See if you can have couple's counselling

Eventually, hopefully, you can get back together. But it will take time.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

BigLiam said:


> Uh, you might want to hold off on the quality of sex complaints for the time being. I suspect that might hurt his feelings .


:iagree:

Actually, to be told you are no good in bed is not a deal breaker, it is a heart breaker. And usually worsens someone's sexual performance.


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## Stephanie.Jackson (Jun 22, 2012)

BigLiam, we haven't discussed any complaints with the sex since about 3 days post DDay (11 days ago). We discussed sex a couple days ago, but I was just telling him that the stuff he did the last two times we had sex were great and that's what I need. Nothing negative really.

Well the way I need to look at it is, we decided there will be no filing for divorce for at least 11 months because I need the medical benefits from the army and he wants the extra cash for housing. So basically I have at least 11 months that I can be around and live 3 miles away before having to worry about a divorce being filed.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Stephanie (BTW my youngest daughter name is also Stephanie - the one who turned me into a grandpappi ) I truly wish you the best for you and your husband, no matter what happens to the marriage.


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## Stephanie.Jackson (Jun 22, 2012)

Thanks  My parents are already grandparents due to my brother and his G/F 

Well, I went ahead and got another therapist but there are only a select few that the army deals with and so the one they set me up with has really good reviews, but can't see me for 13 days still. Kinda disappointing but I'll take it.


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## Stephanie.Jackson (Jun 22, 2012)

Would getting a GPS on my phone help? AT&T offers a $10 a month app thing where he could just open the app and it will show exactly where I am.
I texted him asking if I got it, would he ever use it, and he replied with "I don't think so". But I feel once I got him to use it once he would be hooked on it. He gave me a vague answer. He was normally a very nosey guy (we both are) and we have video cameras in our home and many times he would sit on his phone and watch me, then text me things like "is your cereal good" lol so I think he would enjoy it after initially using it.
This whole living apart thing isn't helping build trust tho.

** I texted him saying even if you only look once a day it will be worth it to me, and he just replied "I might" so I will go ahead and get it.


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## tiptoe1969 (Dec 31, 2011)

I am not sure if you have an Iphone or other but I found the ATT family GPS does not work as well as Find Friends application (this app is free too).


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## Stephanie.Jackson (Jun 22, 2012)

Yes, I have an IPhone. Really though, I will go look at this. Thank you!


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## StandingInQuicksand (Jun 4, 2012)

Get the My Life 360. That is awesome. I think it might be a small fee for the iphone app.


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