# Holding on for dear life



## Lakesparrow

Hi, I am am 42, and my husband is 48. Our kids are 20 22 24. We've weathered a lot of storms. But I think I can't see another year living the way things are. Big issues: almost 2 yrs ago he lost his job, cashed out his retirement, and I learned he hadnt paid a year and a half of taxes which I've been stuck with and had my wages garnished to pay. When he had a good job for 20 years I stood way back. I did what he said, I gave him my paycheck. house in his name, car....only medical bills and utilities in my name. now I'm struggling to cover all the bills. He works odd jobs. He won't apply for a job. He is emotionally closed off from me. always has been a stonewaller. We reconciled at his behest after his damaging affair 9 years ago. Now I wonder why he wanted me back. He refused therapy, std testing you name it.

I have been the high drive spouse, but he has really let himself go basically on a levels. At some point I stopped wanting to be rejected, then purposely focused on everything I found aversive about him, and stopped initiating. Now it has been over 5 months with no intimacy. I've always been attracted to him and I'm not now. I feel incredible anxiety when he is close to me. Also people regularly think he is my dad. I hate that. I now find myself so unplugged from intimacy that I avoid hugs and everything. I know that his neglect has broken me. I was a one man nymphomaniac before. I hate this.

I am really mad at him. for not paying the mortgage or car pmt. When I work hard to earn to do it. and he pays online and I don't have passwords. I'm mad because he's a depressed and stonewalling brat. He won't take care of his health. I've always done the fix it stuff, drywalling plumbing you name it. But he is home now. why do I need to do it all.

I've told him how I feel. and last week said this isn't working for me and I'm thinking divorce. He hasn't said a word. He's acting like I never said it. I have a soft spot for him, I don't want to see him hurt, but I'm to the point where I think he needs a totally different woman than me. And I've outgrown killing myself to communicate w him. Honestly it's his loss. It took me years to be able to say, I'm smart, beautiful, motivated, and I'm a great catch. 

So....this is me, hanging on for dear life scared to death but lonely and pretty sure it's time to stop hoping he will suddenly wake up. pretty sure I'm going to waste my life sitting here w this man who acts like his life is over. PS his testosterone Is fine and it's not ed. He just doesn't want me.


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## Andy1001

First of all take control of the financial side of things. It’s your salary that is paying the bills,open a new bank account in your name only and make sure that your mortgage is being paid at least. 
Then start divorce proceedings,you can stop at any time if you decide not to go ahead with it.


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## 3Xnocharm

Lakesparrow said:


> I've told him how I feel. and last week said this isn't working for me and I'm thinking divorce. He hasn't said a word. He's acting like I never said it. *I have a soft spot for him, I don't want to see him hurt,* but I'm to the point where I think he needs a totally different woman than me. And I've outgrown killing myself to communicate w him. Honestly it's his loss. It took me years to be able to say, I'm smart, beautiful, motivated, and I'm a great catch.
> 
> So....this is me, hanging on for dear life scared to death but lonely and pretty sure it's time to stop hoping he will suddenly wake up. pretty sure I'm going to waste my life sitting here w this man who acts like his life is over. PS his testosterone Is fine and it's not ed. He just doesn't want me.


Why do you have this soft spot for him, clearly he does NOT reciprocate these feelings for you! He is acting like a spoiled child by refusing to work a real job for his family. Not mention, THIS is how he treats you after you forgave an affair?? Stop sitting there, and get to work divorcing this disrespectful leech. Cut him off financially, and stop stressing about not wanting sex with him, just let it go. What happens to him after the divorce is NOT your problem. You likely wont have to pay him support because he is fully capable of working and supporting himself.. right now he is just choosing not to. 

Clearly you are strong and capable... cut this anchor loose and get on with your life.


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## TJW

Be sure you go to a lawyer and find out where you stand. I was in a similar situation with a non-contributing wife years ago. My attorney was an honest guy who didn't try to use my case for money. He told me on the first visit "....you can't get rid of somebody like that....". He explained that I would be paying through the nose for years to come.

When one partner has income, the other doesn't..... the deadbeat sucks life out of the worker in the divorce. It's really fortunate that you're the woman in this. If the situation were in reverse, the husband would be shellacked.


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## uhtred

Dear OP. You have half your life ahead of you - don't spend it with someone who makes you unhappy.

Give it one final try with counseling if you want - but set an absolute time limit. Or probably you already know the answer.


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## farsidejunky

Who are you waiting on to give you permission to end it?

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## Diana7

I would have left after this 

'He refused therapy, std testing you name it.'.


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## MattMatt

Diana7 said:


> I would have left after this
> 
> 'He refused therapy, std testing you name it.'.


:iagree:


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## Lakesparrow

Thank you all for your thoughts. I think starting an account of my own would be wise. Saving for a first/last/sec rep feels pretty impossible atm. I've considered moving out of state to live w my bff. She's on the other coast. Since we live super small town...his town even after 23 years here....I feel like 3000 miles is how far I need to go lol. I was a hot minute away from running when 1. my 21 year old got a misdemeanor DWI out of the blue and lost his job/license 2. my daughter 2 hrs away, apt, in college got pneumonia and needed a mom rescue run then 3. I was promoted to manage a new program at work. I just finished my BA in psych in 17 and started here last June so it's a great opportunity. I'm in social work essentially and make under 40 a year in ny soooo $1 raise is a big deal. It's like all signs are pointing to me being selfish and ruining things if I run, but man I can't breath. literally. My PCP gave me Xanax because I'm not depressed just trapped atm. and sometimes I'm like a bird in a cage....the marriage, the house, the family, the job that really needs me atm and the guilt. omg the guilt. the lack of control. The fear of failure. This **** is real. Also I don't hate my h. I just realize at this ****ed up level that I've outgrown the person I am with him. I'm super low maintenance girl next door swim and knit and sit by the lake type girl....all I need is a few compliments and to feel like I'm good enough and I'm move mountains for people. 

Sorry I think I'm losing perspective. I've only seen his for 20 years. figuring out how to NOT be codependent is so hard. I feel like a bad mom and wife.


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## 3Xnocharm

You are neither a bad wife or a bad mother. You’ve been a much better wife than your disrespectful husband deserves, that’s for sure. You need to be happy to be the best mom possible, so make that happen. 




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## BluesPower

Lakesparrow said:


> Thank you all for your thoughts. I think starting an account of my own would be wise. Saving for a first/last/sec rep feels pretty impossible atm. I've considered moving out of state to live w my bff. She's on the other coast. Since we live super small town...his town even after 23 years here....I feel like 3000 miles is how far I need to go lol. I was a hot minute away from running when 1. my 21 year old got a misdemeanor DWI out of the blue and lost his job/license 2. my daughter 2 hrs away, apt, in college got pneumonia and needed a mom rescue run then 3. I was promoted to manage a new program at work. I just finished my BA in psych in 17 and started here last June so it's a great opportunity. I'm in social work essentially and make under 40 a year in ny soooo $1 raise is a big deal. It's like all signs are pointing to me being selfish and ruining things if I run, but man I can't breath. literally. My PCP gave me Xanax because I'm not depressed just trapped atm. and sometimes I'm like a bird in a cage....the marriage, the house, the family, the job that really needs me atm and the guilt. omg the guilt. the lack of control. The fear of failure. This **** is real. Also I don't hate my h. I just realize at this ****ed up level that I've outgrown the person I am with him. I'm super low maintenance girl next door swim and knit and sit by the lake type girl....all I need is a few compliments and to feel like I'm good enough and I'm move mountains for people.
> 
> Sorry I think I'm losing perspective. I've only seen his for 20 years. figuring out how to NOT be codependent is so hard. I feel like a bad mom and wife.


I get a lot of this, I really do. 

I have kids in that range, I know what that is like as well. 

I don't think your H ever really grew up, been there and it sucks...

Here is the deal, AT THE VERY LEAST start reading books about Codependency, you are A CODEPENDANT and as far as I can tell, you are that way with every one. 

I have done the things you are doing, and all I can say is that I ended up in the hospital with a stroke. I recovered fully, for the most part... But I am saying DONT DO THE THINGS THAT I DID... 

It does not work, you cannot save everybody, you cannot change other people, and most of all, you deserver to be happy. 

Start learning about codependency, just start there, and really work that angle. I think once you do, you will see how out of control YOU are and how you are allowing your H to take advantage of you, and even your kids. 

Please think about it...


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