# Feeling so unattractive



## SabrinaLovesJeff (Mar 6, 2012)

hi. my name is bree. a few days ago my fiance let me know that things about my body turned him off. I have stretchmarks from a child prior to our relationship and My breast are not perfky. And im not as slim as he want me to be but i am fairly slim. I want to make him happy. and pleasing him is what turned me on. Now that i no he isnt really attrcted t me it is hard for me to get aroused. because i feel so unattractive. it humiliates me. I feel he is just trying to make me happy and not really wanting to do it. Now I want to have sex with the lighs off and my insecurity is making me clammy. im shuting down even in affection and conversation. How can i get out of this rut? he say he wouldnt mind if i got surgery. am i being too emotional. should i toughen up. I am not sure how to deal with this. we are a fairly new couple and i am 5 years older than him (29) which make me already feel kindof bad. Please help. i really dont want to be so weak but i was already insecure before him, and he built up my self esteem, but now it seem he changed his mind. now im so intimidated by every beautifl woman that I see. i also have very short hair which im trying to get to grow, but its taking so long. Who is wrong here? me or him? he is a real good man, he deserve a beautiful woman that he wants but i already love him and he loves me. I am so hurt and afraid. answers please


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

> Who is wrong here? me or him?


Him.

Dump him and find someone who isn't such a dumbass.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

wow you're only 29 and he's already complaining? 

I don't know how he had the heart to tell you what parts of your body "turned him off". It seems rather cruel to put someone down like that. I agree with Mavash on this one.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Complexity said:


> wow you're only 29 and he's already complaining?


My thought exactly. What will he complain about when she's 40?

To the OP please please please I'm begging you do NOT marry this man. He will only make your life miserable.


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## needtobreathe (Mar 6, 2012)

Have you talked about this again? Or did you just leave it? I am sure you can make a long list of dislikes about him but that is not what a relationship is about. 
You need to communicate how you are feeling to him and regain your confidence through him constantly reassuring you that you are beautiful. You are beautiful!


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## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

You said he is a real good man who deserves a beautiful woman.

You deserve a real nice guy and nothing less. Now I think that if this is not something he has repeated over and over then perhapse he over shared and, it is clear, in a very unthinking mean way.
Do not beat your self up. If this is realy becoming an issue for you then please go see an IC asap. There is no reason to let your self get depressed here.

Have you asked him what he likes about you? Looks and all?I think if you heard those things it might help you out a little. 

If he meant every word and says negitive things about you often, always GET OUT while the getting is good. Because you deserve better then what you think he deserves.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

Mavash. said:


> Him.
> 
> Dump him and find someone who isn't such a dumbass.


Before you dump him, have a talk with him. Tell him how his criticisms made you feel unattractive and unworthy.
Then tell him something along this line.
"Jeff, I know that I'm not perfect and I'm sorry. I just wanted you to know that I do love you. I think you are handsome, sexy, and any girl's dream. Even though you have that mole on the back of your neck, the slight crook in your nose, and the pimples on your behind. I have loved you and thought that you were sexy despite the fact that you pick you nose in public, bite your fingernails, and have knobby knees. you were perfect to me, but ever since you have brought all of my shortcomings out in the open, your blemishes just seem to jump right out at me. Where I used to see a beautiful man, I now see Jugghead from the Archies.
I'm sorry, but I just can't be expected to live the rest of my life with such an ugly man.
Goodbye."


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

He wouldn't mind if you got surgery? You should toughen up? No woman can give herself to a man who makes comments like this.

Ask yourself why you have so little self-esteem to put up with these comments. You are still young; find a man who will love you for who you are. Do not stay with someone who belittles you. You deserve better. Go find it!


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Our word for the day is "projection". Projection is where insecure people find faults in others to hide said insecurities and shame that are hidden within themselves.

Edited to add: And to make themselves feel better by putting other people down.


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## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

with all the statements made above......


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## Stryker (Feb 3, 2012)

Complexity said:


> wow you're only 29 and he's already complaining?
> 
> I don't know how he had the heart to tell you what parts of your body "turned him off". It seems rather cruel to put someone down like that. I agree with Mavash on this one.



--She is 34......infer


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## Stryker (Feb 3, 2012)

Kurosity said:


> :iagree::iagree::iagree:
> 
> with all the statements made above......



--I dont, since they are not fully apt as depicted...


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## Stryker (Feb 3, 2012)

DanF said:


> Before you dump him, have a talk with him. Tell him how his criticisms made you feel unattractive and unworthy.
> Then tell him something along this line.
> "Jeff, I know that I'm not perfect and I'm sorry. I just wanted you to know that I do love you. I think you are handsome, sexy, and any girl's dream. Even though you have that mole on the back of your neck, the slight crook in your nose, and the pimples on your behind. I have loved you and thought that you were sexy despite the fact that you pick you nose in public, bite your fingernails, and have knobby knees. you were perfect to me, but ever since you have brought all of my shortcomings out in the open, your blemishes just seem to jump right out at me. Where I used to see a beautiful man, I now see Jugghead from the Archies.
> I'm sorry, but I just can't be expected to live the rest of my life with such an ugly man.
> Goodbye."


---With School and Nursery games,you cant resolve a Marital Issue...


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

Stryker said:


> ---With School and Nursery games,you cant resolve a Marital Issue...


They aren't married.
Anyone that is as shallow as Jeff needs an argument brought down to his prepubescent mental level. If Bree tried to reason with him, she'd get the thousand yard stare because he likely would not have a clue as to what she's talking about.


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## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

@ Stryker ~Did you actually have advice to give or is it pick everyone apart day in Stryker land? 

It is real simple Bree. If this is abuse then leave( constant negitive comments about you). Sometimes people say thoughtless careless things and that is not an excuse for his saying anything hurtful like that but people can be dumb or there would not be a need for places like TAM.

You are letting it cut you deep and that is something all together different. I still think that you should go see IC because stay or go it sounds like the damage to you is done (and can become a progressive illness). Please go see someone asap.

A side question are there any reasons you are staying with him after such comments?


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## Stryker (Feb 3, 2012)

DanF said:


> They aren't married.(hmmm.. some observation there, it was a test for inference,by me writing as marital issue)
> 
> ---
> Anyone that is as shallow as Jeff needs an argument brought down to his prepubescent mental level. If Bree tried to reason with him, she'd get the thousand yard stare because he likely would not have a clue as to what she's talking about.




---Resolve with a comprehensive understanding of situations, persons, traits involved..there can be change of attitudes brought in by strong realizations...

and surely I think Bree( as she too feels on her self-analysis) can have some changes in her shaping up and style , confidence to stun the guy of his "grievance" and uncanny criticisms...


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## Stryker (Feb 3, 2012)

Kurosity said:


> @ Stryker ~Did you actually have advice to give or is it pick everyone apart day in Stryker land?


you seem Curious to know of Stryker and his Stryker Land....

My view on advice is that , " In Multitudes of Right and Apt Counsellors there is Wisdom..."


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## endlessgrief (Feb 19, 2012)

I am going through this same exact thing except for having a child part. I think it is more cruel to complain about a wife's appearance after she gives birth. That is cold hearted. 

All we want is for someone to love us for us. Not our tiny waists and huge rack. Physical attributes should n't come into play years into a marriage. Your pain must be horrible. Tell him his **** is too small. I would tell you to hurt him in response, but that is WRONG. I am just angry right now about my situation so I will refrain from giving advice that might involve going to jail


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

The honest truth about someone's opinion about how you look... is it just their opinion. Not a fact. 
A fact is something you can prove in a court.
An opinion is like the wind.. so let it blow in one ear and out the other.

The important part is how you feel about yourself. That's the truth you should be concerned about. 

There will always be negative influences in your life. You can't run and hide from all the evil people who don't think fondly of you. But you can learn to not believe it.


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## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

I wish the o.poster would come back and add to her thread. I want to know if he says these things all the time? Or if it was a stupid remark that fell out of his mouth? 

I really hope that this self esteem issue is not allowed to go on unmanaged. I find that these kinds of things can really lead to a dark emotional hell if left unchecked.

I do hope Bree that you are feeling better about your self where ever you have gone good luck.



@Stryker~ LOL really I think everyone lives in "their land" but I do get what you were saying!


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

You need to leave him. He's not respecting you in any way! If you don't make him happy now, it will only get much worse after you marry him.

As we get older, our bodies metabolism slows down, which makes it very hard to lose weight. 

I broke my neck 3.5 years ago. I was a runner(36 miles a week) and now I can only ride a bike for a few minutes a day. It's not nearly enough exercise to lose weight alone. I watch what I eat, which is average. I eat one cup of cereal for breakfast and lunch(shredded wheat). I eat a small dinner. If it's a high calorie dinner I'll eat another cup of cereal. This is just to maintain the weight I'm at now. I've gained some, but luckily I still fit into the same jeans, barely.lol. I'm almost 40. Once in a great while I'll eat a couple squares of chocolate. 

My husband of 12 years is extremely athletic. He exercises daily running, biking and swimming. I'm extremely jealous I no longer am able to do this. He's very thin, but not once has he ever mentioned my weight gain. He actually is self conscious of his thinness. 

I also gained 80-100 pounds per child, I had 3. I was able to lose the weight of all 3 no problems, especially with the last two due to running a week after delivering. I bet you can imagine the stretch marks I have. My husband looks past them.

My husband is very turned on by me even when I've looked my worst. Not once did he ever comment my weight or imperfect body.


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## 1990 (Mar 3, 2012)

I dislike shallow people - find some one that loves you for who you are. You need to be comfortable with yourself and having some one telling you **** like this is ver damaging.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

What a jackass!!!!!!!
I bet you anything you're a knockout. It seems like the more attractive women are the most insecure about it. 
Honey do NOT marry this man! Why on earth would you tell
someone these things? 
You know why? Because he's afraid of losing you and he's afraid of you having power over him. He wants you to feel like no one else will ever want you and he wants you to feel like you're lucky to have him. That way he can act like a jerk and be an ass and you will put up
with it. 
Anyone that mean is just going to get more cruel after marriage when they feel they've got you and you can't leave. 
Please get some IC for yourself. You really need to work on your self esteem, esp after being with a man who tears you down.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

he sounds like a terrible BF leave this loser

What shocks me is there are women like yourself who love and want to please some men and ask for love back but instead of finding any good guy's you find the worst garbage you can find than cry about it. I think you deserve better however do you think you deserve better?

I wonder why you are even in this relationship but hey its whatever he sounds like a terrible guy.


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## luckycardinal (Feb 7, 2012)

I would SO SO dump this loser! I think that has been echoed here many times but it really saddens me to see that Bree would even choose to take this kind of crap. She must have severely low self-esteem. Guess what, if we live long enough ALL of us are going to age. Even the most fit or beautiful will lose some of the "outer" beauty as they age, but hopefully will gain more "inner" beauty. Personally, I would choose a homely man who loved me and treated me like a queen any day of the week over some self-important jerk even if he met society's so-called "beauty standards," which are a joke anyway as they have changed throughout history. I am a runner, healthy and fit but yes, I have stretch marks from my two beautiful kids. They were WELL worth it and I'd tell anyone who criticized them to go F- themselves. You should, too, Bree.

Plus, why in the hell is he with you if you are so defective and repulsive to him? That is what I'd want to know. Most people wouldn't even ask out someone they didn't have some basic attraction to. I'd send this jerk packing and how. 

P.S. Short hair is sexy, too....I got mine cut and have never had so many compliments - from men, too. Just look at young Cameron Diaz and how cute she was with her bob. You don't need long hair to be sexy at all.


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## rks1 (Jan 27, 2012)

I just wanted to add to this thread, as I've been in a similar place before, and am in a totally different place now. With past men, I've had them make extremely unkind comments about my body. I have struggled with overweight/obesity my whole life, and I didn't understand why these guys were even dating me if they had such issues with me in the first place... I guess they were just bored and I was a fill-in until they found someone 'better'.

However, with my husband, things are totally different. I am still classified as obese (despite working hard to lose weight). My husband, however, is slim-average and very handsome. He is a little over 3 years younger than me (I'm 30 and he's 27), and when I met him, he had many younger cute girls flirting with him. However, he was still the one who was crazy about being with me.

A few weeks ago, we were being intimate, and I got up naked to get something. He came behind me and hugged me from behind. There was a mirror in front of us, and I felt very shy to see myself fully on display in front of him in the mirror, with us both naked and my body being much wider than his. Yet he was happy and in love standing there hugging me. 

It's not that my husband has any sort of fetish for fat women. He actually prefers slim girls and recently had a talk with me about weight, as he is worried that I'll get diabetes if I don't lose the weight soon. He has told me that he really wants me to try to lose it so that we can have a long life together. However, he's always focused on my health and never for his own reasons. He is so affectionate with me, and doesn't criticize me or withhold affection.

I struggled badly with self-esteem as well, as previous men cut me down. However, now I'm with a man who deeply loves me. If this obese girl can finally find a handsome man who loves her unconditionally, then even you (with your so-called imperfect but slim body) can surely also do better as well.

EDIT: I also just wanted to add that after years of yo-yo dieting (gaining and losing weight) my breasts are no longer perky either as the stress of weight fluctuations has caused them to start flattening out and pointing the wrong way. However, my husband is crazy about them all the same.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Bree -- I hope that you're still checking in on this thread, and that you reply soon. His statements are a warning of what's to come. Hurtful criticism masqueraded as wanting to 'help' you is a red flag for an emotional/verbal abuser. If he's your fiance, you have probably confided things in him, shared your (bad) feelings about your body with him. He is using your bad feelings to control you. I'm sure he has seen your reaction -- the INCREASE in self-hatred. He may be projecting because he has issues, but he needs to deal with his issues without putting you down. 

It will only get worse. I speak from experience. I guarantee that losing weight, growing your hair out, surgery, starving yourself, becoming a sexual acrobat, dyeing your hair, changing your wardrobe, NOTHING, will be good enough for a man like this. And you will be living in hell, waiting for him to cheat on you. And he will. And he will blame you for not being attractive enough. No, your breasts are not perky anymore, and you have stretch marks -- because you gave birth to a child! That's a very good reason for why your body has changed, and nothing to be ashamed of. You need to love your body and your self. I have learned this the hard way over the last several years. YOU are the only lifelong companion you will have. Learn to love yourself, take care of yourself, and to recognize that you only deserve someone who loves you for you, not for what he wants to mold you into. 

A real man will find self-confidence sexy. Don't settle for a man who can only be turned on by you if you're emotionally beaten down. You (and your child!) deserve so much better than this loser!


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## luckycardinal (Feb 7, 2012)

You're SO right, angelpixie. I also like what rks1 said, but I think the main focus should be LOVING YOU - not being concerned about what some man (or woman) thinks of you. I used to hate my body - in fact, I used to be anorexic. I also got horrible, ugly breast implants in my 20s because I thought I was not good enough. I got those nasty things removed last year and I've never felt better. I am now free to run and exercise without pain and I feel beautiful and young again (I'm not old but I felt old with those things!). 

I know everyone's talking about Whitney Houston these days, but even before her death I started thinking of that song "The Greatest Love of All." I have always loved that song and it is really true, too. You are never going to find unconditional love from some "hero" who will save you from self-hatred (other than God, in my opinion - but you surely won't find it from some person). YOU have to be your own hero and learn to love YOU. 

Like I said above, none of us are ever going to stay beautiful (by society's standards, that is) for life. Everyone will age, no one (not even those bony actresses and models) is perfect. Even though I am fit and thin by society's standards, I will never be bony - I have a "big booty" that will never allow me to be a size 0 or fit those teeny tiny jeans that look like they're made for a kid, but guess what - I love ME now!! And that is so much better than fitting someone else's standard ever could be.


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