# How to handle flirting wife



## Billymac (Nov 23, 2010)

My wife had a girlfriend from work and we would hang out with her and her husband. We would go camping together, go to dinner and go away for ski weekends, etc. I didn't dislike them but they were my wife's friends. I could get along with them fine and did enjoy hanging out with them as time went on but they were still my wife's friends. 

So, the couple has since divorced. The wife moved far away but the husband is still around. He's made every effort to stay in touch with us and I've played basketball with him and invited him on a few guy trips with my other buddies. He's a good guy and I have no real issue with him. He will stop by the house every couple of weeks (sometimes unannounced which is irritating) and we will occasionally grab a bite and a beer with him to see how he's doing. Again, he's not a bad guy at all and he's been going through a rough patch. 

My wife is, let's say friendly, and she has in the past crossed a few of my lines when drinking but we all make mistakes. I had planned to go out of town with some buddies for a backpacking trip the upcoming weekend and had invited this friend along as well. This friend stopped by early that week to drop off something and while there mentioned he wouldn't be able to make the trip because he was volunteering for a race that weekend. He also mentioned a band that was playing that my wife liked and she immediately, while my friend was there, ordered 1 ticket. I thought to myself, I guess my wife and this friend will end up at this concert together. It made me feel a little weird but whatever. 

So, as the week moved on my backpacking trip fell through, weather, injury, work. Everyone bailed. So, my wife said why don't you come to the show with me. Great, I thought. I ordered my ticket and we went. We had a good time and we did indeed end up hanging out with this friend and some of his people. At one point I left my wife and this friend in the crowd to go speak to a mutual friend of ours, just for like 30 seconds to say hello. When I returned my wife and this friend were like hugging and and dancing. No biggie, except I had to stand there awkwardly until they stopped. It also bothered me that as soon as I walked away they were arm in arm. Like they were waiting for me to leave. 

After the show we met up with this friend and his group of friends. We were trying to get a table but it was crowded that night so we were waiting in the front. We were starving and they said it was an hour wait so my wife and I and this guy decided to go somewhere else to get some food. My wife led the way and I said a few words to one of the guys on the way out so I was a little behind them. My wife had held the door for this friend and as he walked past she slapped him on the ass. She then looked up and saw me and realized I had just seen her do this and laughed a little uncomfortably. 

I said nothing and we walked to another restaurant but ended up just leaving because there were waits everywhere. After we said our goodbyes to the friend I, as calmly and casually as I could, asked how she would feel if I smacked one of our female friends on the ass. It then turned into an all out meltdown. She denied doing it, then said she did it to both of us, then said I was making things up and was delusional. I then lost my cool and we had a very bad fight. I ended up punching the windshield in her car and breaking it. I didn't intend to break it I was just angry and we were both fueled by alcohol. Not my finest moment I know but she was lying to my face about smacking this guy on his ass. 

It's now been almost a week and we finally talked last night. I told her I was uncomfortable with her around this friend and I wished she could not act this way toward him and others. She accused me of being controlling and delusional again. She does not deny smacking him on the ass now though as she did that night. It don't know what to do. Am I being a control freak? I feel like she crossed a line and I am justified in feeling hurt and uncomfortable around this guy. From her perspective I don't want her to have any friends and I'm just trying to control her and what she does and who she is friends with. I've not once asked her to not be friends with this guy. I've just expressed that I am uncomfortable around them and asked her to change her behavior when around him. 

Does anyone have any wisdom they could lend me on this one?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Your wife's behavior is disturbing... what you say makes it sound like something is going on between them.

If you talk to her again, she is just continue accusing you are trying to control her. What I would do is to keep an eye on what's going on between them. 

For example putting a VAR (voice activated recorder) in her car, secured with adhesive backed Velcro under the front seat. Most cheaters use their car as a private phone booth while driving around. You might capture her side of some interesting phone conversations.

Check her cell phone bill. Is she calling/txting a number a lot? Check her phone for the context of texts.

Do not confront her right away if you get some evidence that shows she's up to no good. Get copies of everything and store them in a safe place. And then come here and talk it out with folks to get a plan of action. Never confront without a plan and without solid evidence.


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## imperfectworld (Jan 18, 2015)

^ +1. And keep your cool physically. Don't jeopardize yourself in a few heated moments.


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## DoneWithHurting (Feb 4, 2015)

Set up your snooping tech... then tell her in no uncertain terms that she can no longer be friends with this man and you tell him to stay away as you find their relationship too close for comfort. Take the lead. Be controlling. Stomp down hard. If your wife says you are controlling so be it! Be controlling. She is flirting and most likely this guy was planning on fvcking your wife while you were gone on your trip.

If she fights, tell her to get out and you will divorce her. 
Stop it before it escalates.
Remember what players do...
instigate, isolate, escalate.

There is a chance they've already been doing it.
Why did they get divorced?
Was he cheating on her?

Sorry you are here.


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## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

yep, sounds like tip of the iceberg stuff. If they are that comfortable to do that with you in the room, imagine how they act in private together.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

That she denies slapping him on the rear, when she knows you saw him, and then threw a big tantrum of denial says a lot.

Don't like the dancin either. If they danced while you were still in the group that's one thing. But RIGHT AFTER YOU WALKED AWAY is a big red flag. Like they were biding their time.

VAR (voice activiated recorder) In the car is a great idea. Tips on VARS can be found here:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/209754-standard-evidence-post.html


Just curious. Why did this guy divorce? How long ago was the divorce?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Is this the same woman in your thread from five years ago?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Ah, the "controlling" card. This is a pretty common tactic, and it's meant to shame you into feeling like a knuckle-dragging, misogynist neanderthal.

It's pretty clear that your wife has some pretty poor boundaries. What's not clear is the extent to which she's crossed or is crossing them -- and/or allowing others to do so as well -- when you're not around. I'd agree w/ the others here in that some _discrete_ sleuthing would be in order.

I'm not saying that there's anything going on between your wife and this guy, but I am saying that you'd be a fool if you didn't start digging a bit.

ETA: Chap already asked, but I'll ask as well... is your wife the girlfriend from the thread that you started back in late 2010? How about the friend... is he the guy mentioned in that thread?


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

How old are you and your wife? As this guy is your wife's friend and he is divorced, I would be not too close to this guy. Stop your so called friendship with him. Your wife is definitely interested in this guy and pursuing him. Slapping a guy in his rear end and hanging out with this guy is not healthy to your relationship.

What is disturbing is that your wife denies that she slapped this guy's rear end, right in front of you, and denied it. She rewrites the history and made it as if you are crazy. Set your boundaries right away and do not be friends with this guy any longer.

Let trusted people know what you have observed. Extra pairs of eyes will be in order. Observe and be vigilant. Do not be a victim to anxiety, brought on by your wife's behavior.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

In 2010, you mentioned your girlfriend being touchy and feely about one particular male friend. They hang out together, she tells you that she was interested in him, and they watched porn together. You watch porn together to have sex. Do you not understand this grave situation? Is this the same woman that you married? If this is the same woman, God help you. You definitely need to see a psychologist and work on your self-esteem. You are battered psychologically.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

I hope to God you didn't end up marrying a woman who was touchy feely with another man.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

Good thing the backpacking trip was cancelled. Weird that she ordered one concert ticket when she heard the friend was going. I agree with the others. Quietly do some investigative work. The first and easiest is to simply check the cell phone bills. 

She's too comfortable with the friend. He's now unattached and she clearly likes him. Even if they haven't crossed the line into physicality, the slap and the hugging and dancing could easily be gateway incidents. Not a good idea to let your wife be close to a single man.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

OK she now knows how you feel about her behavior. Now it's up to her to heed the warning and act like a respectful wife to you. If she doesn't then you have a good idea that there's more to it and don't be afraid to let her know that you'll end things in a heartbeat with her. The ball is in her corner now. Just keep an eye on er to see what she'll do about it.


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## IamSomebody (Nov 21, 2014)

Keep a VAR on your person anytime you might be with her, especially at home. You don't want her to try and claim you physically abused her and call the police to have you thrown out of your home.

I'd think about ripping this "friend" a new one and telling him to stay away from your home and wife. Make sure you have the VAR, and other things the experts here advise, in place first.

IamSomebody


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

If your wife is the same lady who was your girlfriend in your thread from five years ago, then I would say this behavior is nothing new and really to be expected.

She is a serial flirt, and her behavior now (and then) is completely inappropriate.

You are not overreacting. But I don't see how you can change her ingrained behavior -- it seems deeply rooted in her personality. It looks like nothing much has changed in those five years.

Decide whether or not you can live with a wife who behaves this way.

(If this is not the same woman, sorry for the confusion.)


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## Noble1 (Oct 25, 2013)

Sorry to read about your situation.

Unfortunately, if you drop down to the the CWI section, there are all too many stories that start out just like yours.

For me (and I am hyper vigilent) I would look for other threads where weightlifter and gus post and follow their advice.

Either you find something or there is nothing to find, but either way, you are protecting your marriage and relationship.

Keep cool on the alcohol and as many people have said many times...its time to STFU.

Good luck.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
She likes to flirt. You may get her to hide it, but i doubt you can stop it. You need to decide if you want to stay with someone like that.


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## another shot (Apr 14, 2015)

I have hard stops on boundaries. IF my wife slapped any man on the a$$ I would want her ever again I am filing. She can $hit talk all she wants about me being controlling. I am calling bull$hit on that because it's a boundary violation. 

I would also tell her "friend" not to come by any more and tell her it's him or me and the conversation is over. She pushes back, I am going to the lawyer. 

Not cool

The other advice is get off the booze and the angry outbursts and just take care of business so you remain attractive to your wife. If she does not value you like she should, you will find out when you destabilize the marriage by calling bull$hit with this disrespectful boundary violation.

What really pi$$es me off is her lying to you when you saw it with your own eyes. 

I am betting she has already been more inappropriate than you know about. 

To be fair, I do not believe in opposite gender single friends when married.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Noble1 said:


> Sorry to read about your situation.
> 
> Unfortunately, if you drop down to the the CWI section, there are all too many stories that start out just like yours.
> 
> ...


This is the best place to start...

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/209754-standard-evidence-post.html


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> I hope to God you didn't end up marrying a woman who was touchy feely with another man.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


After looking at the thread from November 2010, it appears that he did. She had inappropriate friendships before the marriage, she now has inappropriate friendships within the marriage. 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/18961-guy-friend-who-interested.html

What's the definition of insanity??
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Billymac,

The odds of you coming back to post are probably less than 20%, but if you can clarify whether or not the male friend from the first post is the same male friend from this current post that would be appreciated.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

I have not read the thread that others have commented on, but regarding this situation, I think she was acting inappropriately, and if i smacked some other guys arse, my husband would be REAL upset, not that i would as its not something i would do as i am a married woman, and do not think its something you do at all even with a FRIEND.

If this is the same lady you spoke about some time ago, then it seems to me that she is a flirt, and shes known for being a flirt with what you have said about her before from reading what others have posted about her, and until you come back and tell us if its her then we can really advise you.

Whatever anyway, the fact she lied and said she did not slap his arse is very worrying as the whole thing is very worrying tbh about their whole relationship, and i really would not be happy at all with her carrying on this friendship.


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## Muse1976 (Apr 25, 2015)

I fell for you, but at the same time, if this is the same woman that was your girlfriend from the thread 5 years ago, what exactly did you expect. You received a multitude of very good responses back then about the blatant disregard for your thoughts and boundaries. 

If this is the same woman that had p1ss poor boundaries back then and started issuing marriage ultimatums, what makes you think her lack of boundaries has changed.

One thing of note. If my wife slaps another man on the ass and we make eye contact after that slap and then she denies that she slapped him on the ass, she would find herself with divorce papers on the table the next morning. Then we would be having a very long talk about boundaries. Especially after you have told her that you are not comfortable with the situation.

Please come back and answer these questions for us. Sorry you find yourself in this situation.


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

You need to have a sit down with her. And you need to be very firm and don't let her tell you that you're controlling, etc.

Be frank. She crossed the line.

I'd tell her that the marriage is at risk and there needs to be boundaries set with what you can accept and what the consequences will be.

I'd put my foot down so hard they measure it on the richter scale. 

She sounds like a piece of work.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

OP:

the best course of action right after the slap would be to have shut down the night right then and there. but those are always hindsight is 20 20. I think you handled it well.

in general she is treating you with too little respect and you are treating her with too much. I think the best comeback IMO that any guy can make to the "controlling" accusation or the "insecure" accusation is to simply say -- 
"No, in fact I'm secure in the fact that I need my wife to both love and respect me, and to display both through her behavior. and secure in the fact that I can find a woman who gets that. the only question is whether or not you are that woman.".


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Cut that slappable ass out of your life. Your GF is so clearly out of line. Why do you put up with her shyt? Seriously. Do you like yourself? 

She needs dumped. She is a cake eater in denial.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Billymac said:


> I didn't intend to break it I was just angry and we were both fueled by alcohol. Not my finest moment I know but she was lying to my face about smacking this guy on his ass.




Um, your anger issues are just as bad or worse than her flirting issues.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> Um, your anger issues are just as bad or worse than her flirting issues.


Yes, but not as bad as her lying and sexual foreplay.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Windshield bit is not cool man, and she has ample reason to cover up any crap that she might be worried about you getting mad about.

FWIW, my buddy's wife was also a shameless flirt. She actually came out and propositioned me one day. He just got mad when I told him, and thought I misinterpreted her casual flirty behaviour.

His best friend though didn't misinterpret anything when she set her sights on him next.

My call? Go dark, get your anger under control, and go a bit magnum PI. 

Time will tell. If they're gonna cheat, there's likely gonna be a flurry of comms heading up to that point.


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## Angelou (Oct 21, 2014)

Sneaky..


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Billy will be back in another 4 years, this time wondering if anything is up with his wife being away at concerts with other men, doesn't come home all weekend.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Billymac (Nov 23, 2010)

First of all, thank you all for your comments. Secondly, yes this is the same girl from 5 years ago. Before you all accuse me of being a spineless wimp the scenario from 5 year ago played out in what I felt was an appropriate manner. She started insinuating an ultimatum with regard to marriage and I quickly made my own ultimatums which were, these guys are gone, period. This did indeed happen and they have been non-issues since. A couple of years later we got married. This "friend" is not from before. He is genuinely a nice guy and I don't hold him at fault in this situation. 

I have kept my eyes and ears open for our entire marriage and she has not once given me reason to believe she is doing anything shady or behind my back. I have some ways of checking that she is not aware of (at least I don't think she is aware of). It's always possible but I can't live my life looking over my shoulder. If she's is the type of person to cheat (and I don't believe she is) then I will find out eventually and will deal with it then.

I completely agree that I acted inappropriately by smashing the windshield which I fixed two days later. I understand that my bad behavior deflected from her bad behavior and I will not act this way in the future. I simply didn't know how else to express to her how F'n pissed I was at the crossed boundary and blatant disrespect. 

I also agree that alcohol is a contributing factor to the entire scenario. She likes to drink and I also drink but not nearly as often. When she drinks these types of behavior are more common.

Since then we cooled off for about a week where we didn't speak much at all and then I finally said we needed to discuss the situation. firstly, I apologized for breaking the windshield and not controlling my anger. I also apologizes for the screaming match which ensued. I explained to her that I didn't know how else I could exhibit how hurt, angry and disrespected I felt and that shouting and breaking things seemed to be the only thing that got her attention. In the past she has definitely used the caveman, UN-evolved guilt trip to make me feel like an idiot when I was hurt or upset about her behavior. She would just tune me out and not hear me. 

Next, I explained that while how I behaved was bad that it should not deflect from her bad behavior. I told her it was unacceptable and was not something that I would tolerate. As you all know this is not the first time she has done something that crossed the line and these scenarios are always prefaced with alcohol. I told her that I will divorce her before I will put up with this and I do mean it. I'm not a puss. 

I suggested we attend some counseling to work on figuring out our boundaries and to try to help understand each other and our boundaries. I think the entire scenario made me realize how unhappy I am. I'm always anxious to go to a social event because there is usually some incident that ends up with a fight or me feeling disrespected. Not always but it has happened more than once. I noted to her all of the occasions when she has behaved this way and asked how many times do you think I'm going to put up with this? I made it clear If it continued we were done. 

I did get and read the book "no more Mr. nice guy" as suggested somewhere and it has helped me understand myself a bit. I'm working on me and I'm going to stand up for what I want, need and deserve.

I come from a very religious background (although I am no longer religious myself) and divorce is not something to take lightly and I do think we both want our marriage to work. I know I paint her in a bad light but we are all imperfect and I feel that if we could understand each others needs a bit more we could possibly get past these issues. I do think her boundaries are messed up and I think her upbringing, which is drastically different than mine, is to blame for most of it. She had no one to show her what a wife should be while I had very good examples of a healthy respectful marriage in my upbringing. My goal now, if she is willing, it to work on these boundaries and try to come to some mutual agreement on how married people should act. Maybe it will work, maybe it won't. I have to try. 

I do think she genuinely loves me although when I let her behave this way with out standing up for myself I think it lessens her respect for me and it will eventually kill the marriage. She behaves badly, I get angry, she denies her behavior is wrong and calls me weak and insecure for not being ok with it. We don't talk for a week or so then finally make back up. I will forgive as I've been taught to do and I have a few more times left in me I feel. If things don't change I will walk away though. As calmly and as directly as I could I explained this to her the other night. I love you but this is bull**** and I will leave your ass was the gist of the conversation. 


Anyway, Thanks for your comments and advice. I really do appreciate it.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

I think the biggest problem you face is her alcohol intake. Never mind the flirting, alcohol is the fuel that is fanning the flame here.

It is obvious that drinking is the contributing factor in all of these situations, but you already know that.

Personally, I would schedule an appointment for counseling, set up healthy boundaries for her flirtatious behavior but more importantly, address her drinking problem. And whether she is or is not an alcoholic doesn't much matter, because either way she can't HANDLE alcohol.

The very fact that you dread social outings is indicative of the underlying problem. You have stated that you now realize how unhappy you are with this dynamic.

If she wants to save her marriage, she needs to give up the booze (socially and otherwise) and commit to being the best partner she can be. If she chooses the bottle over you, well, that tells you all you need to know.

Best of luck.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Billy, thanks for coming back to respond.

I agree with Clam. The alcohol has to be cut back, for both of you. It seems to lower your wife's inhibitions. She may be playing, but it's at a minimum inappropriate. 

Keep your radar up. There are many instances here where a spouse ends up with a "good friend, nice guy/girl type". Full blown 007 not necessary, but just keep eyes and ears open.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Your wife sounds like a cheater waiting to happen. No boundaries and dishonest. Good luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

she sounds like a pretty bad emotional investment for you. you love goes in, out comes pain for you. you might make her understand how 'secure' you actually are - perhaps by moving out next time she has one of these episodes. i.e. you are so secure that you believe, if it comes to that, you'll do just fine without her.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

I too am a God fearing man but I don't force my views and beliefs on Mrs.CuddleBug.

Mrs.CuddleBug used to flirt a bit, similar to your wife, but that was before we got married and were only dating. I didn't like it either to be honest.

Once married, it all stopped and no more guy friends. Lots of female friends and co workers is about it.

Sounds like you are a "nice guy" and she is the trouble maker type. You are there for her, strong and faithful, while she flirts, says things and smacks a guys bottom and sees nothing wrong with this and when caught, she tries to giggle her way out of it.

You are hurt and angry, say and do things you normally wouldn't do. But that's a normal reaction to an unfaithful wife.

Then you apologize to her? You are the "mr. nice guy" and she knows it. Time to be an alpha male type.

I had an ex girlfriend way back that was very similar to your wife and in the end, she said I was smothering her but in reality, she was seeing another guy. Everyone found out the truth, her parents really loved me and got mad, kicked her out of the house at the end of the month. Serious.

I find alcohol brings out peoples true selves, so if she is a flirty horn dawg in hiding, watch out.

Another buddy of mine was dating a hot girlfriend and she had many guys friends, texting, flirting and drove him crazy. He told me this all the time at the shop. He had a huge fight with her about this too. She then minimized it, decided he was a good guy compared to all the other guys she had, got pregnant, have a child together and now she is pregnant again. She settled down and he is cool once again.

Some women want to settle down and some still want to flirt and party, even when married.....


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

I never understood why some people could be so stupid to marry people that they KNOW are not compatible with them out the gate. Seriously, what kind of recourse is there? Tell you to divorce because you ignored all your instincts and decided to take the plunge after you "put your foot down"? 

My hunch in all this? She has guy friends and she crosses boundaries. She simply doesn't tell you about them anymore. That's why it's so fvcking important to carefully consider what you're doing before you elect to marry someone. I have no clue if she is an actual cheater. Again just a guess, but most likely you are observing the beginnings of an affair happening, but it's not too far and he's slowly getting more attached. 

Gee, you REALLY think he bailed on your backpacking trip for volunteer work?


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## techmom (Oct 22, 2012)

happy as a clam said:


> I think the biggest problem you face is her alcohol intake. Never mind the flirting, alcohol is the fuel that is fanning the flame here.
> 
> It is obvious that drinking is the contributing factor in all of these situations, but you already know that.
> 
> ...


:iagree:
Some people get into all kinds of trouble while drinking because it tends to lower inhibitions and boundaries.

You need boundaries in this marriage in order to solve any of her flirting problems...seriously.


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