# How to handle wedding anniversary after dday



## hawx20 (Jan 10, 2013)

I still have a few months before our anniversary but it will be the first since dday. I told her that our old marriage was dead. I tore up all the pictures of our wedding and that date no longer has meaning for me. If anything, I will be feeling very upset on that day and surely will not want to celebrate it.

Just wanted to see how other BSs handled it.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

The first anniversary came about 3 months after D-day. I basically ignored it. Tore up anniversary card from previous year. You sound, though, like you are in a more stable place now then I was then.

Suggestion: renew vows on a different date and make that your anniversary going forward?


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

1 small gift and dinner IF you mean R.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

OP just a suggestion but if R is going well and that is the direction you want to go then Celebrate the day in some way. It doesn't need to be a big deal. It can be a private dinner or some time for just the two of you to connect.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

It is good that you are thinking about it a bit ahead. But honestly see were you are. Just my opinion is since you were the BS you being there and working on R and buying a card. Be aware and open to the dynamic that was your old normal(was it good or lacking?). Balance that with what you want future anniversaries to be like. That will hopefully give you an idea of what to do and how to do it.

My H and I are in R he has done a bit more than usual and I'm glad its not some overboard grand gesture. Because I'd feel really odd and like it was just out of guilt. The stuff that means the most to me are as corny as it sounds, the little things.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Ah, yes. I remember that. 

We tried to pretend it was all good and well but something was off. Forevermore.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Nothing says I love you like having dinner then being served dessert and divorce papers. You let her skate big time. I hope it doesn't bit you in the butt down the road...


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## hawx20 (Jan 10, 2013)

BetrayedDad said:


> Nothing says I love you like having dinner then being served dessert and divorce papers. You let her skate big time. I hope it doesn't bit you in the butt down the road...


Damn I was wondering what happened to you! I havent had you yell at me in a long time.

Back on topic though, the point is I dont want to celebrate that day. It really has no meaning for me anymore. I see my marriage split in two....before and after dday.

Anything before, including our wedding date, is dead to me. I will never celebrate that day again.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

hawx20 said:


> Damn I was wondering what happened to you! I havent had you yell at me in a long time.
> 
> Back on topic though, the point is I dont want to celebrate that day. It really has no meaning for me anymore. I see my marriage split in two....before and after dday.
> 
> Anything before, including our wedding date, is dead to me. I will never celebrate that day again.


Then I don't know what you are asking us for. You already have your mind made up to NOT celebrate, so don't celebrate. You don't need anonymous people online to give you permission, and you do not want to listen to the advice of anyone who has an opinion different than yours. 

Thus, you aren't asking "What should I do?" and hen considering replies. You want us to approve what you've already decided to do. Just do it or don't...


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

You're still with her, the best anniversary gift she'll get for the rest of her life as long as you stay with her.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

hawx20 said:


> Damn I was wondering what happened to you! I havent had you yell at me in a long time.


I only yell cause you seem to be one of those tough love types (as am I). I do it out of respect. You seem like a good guy and I hate seeing this scorpion women manipulate you. You made up your mind so no sense beating you up about it anymore but it does just seem like your looking on TAM to get your horrible decisions validated rather than accept all the good advice your being given. Either way, I do hope things work out for you.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

My divorce papers arrived on my 10th wedding anniversary! We were still doing an in-house separation at the time. I haven't thought about that day since, it's just another day now


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## roostr (Oct 20, 2012)

This is my opinion, if you are going to R, then down play the next anniversary day for sure, but to say that the old marriage is dead and that date means absolutely nothing to me seems like a very bitter statement. 

I believe that will be counter productive to the marriage. 

That being the case, why continue with the marriage. The reason I think like this is that while my wife and I are in R, (my decision), I believe I made a commitment to fix the marriage as much as she has. With that said, I don't think being totally negative to that day will do either of us any good. Don't get me wrong, if I decided to divorce Id be throwing darts at the calendar on July 9th for a few years. 
To be totally honest, I'm having a much bigger issue with my D-Day anniversary coming up in a few weeks. That's the day that really pisses me off and I think its going to be a struggle not opening my mouth about one year ago. 
Just saying if you're in R, try not to show bitterness towards days like anniversary and valentines day, imo, it could create resentment.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

I recently found two anniversary cards the ex-wife gave to me that I had kept to show just how effed up her deceptive ways are. I ripped them up and tossed now that we divorced.

the first one was from 94 when in the depth of her still hidden affair, she mentioned how close she had become to me recently and that she loved me.

Probably penned that one at the jerk's house.

The second one was from the year before we finally divorced. she was rambling on about how we were meant to be together and that they she was so glad we had no secrets!

This when she was shoveling money out to a cult she joined from a bank account she barely acknowledged she kept in secret.

Wedding anniversaries are just another opportunity to deceive for some cheaters. 

I hadn't celebrated any of them since finding out in 2008 about her sick behavior.

I'm on a bright new path now that doesnt include her.

Whenever I run across anything about her in my possessions i toss them out.


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## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

The advice youve been given thus far has been spot on. I would simply add that the only meaning/power/impact/significance anything has over us comes from ourselves and how we reflect on whatever that thing happens to be.

If we want to assign meaning and power to something, it will have meaning and power, the inverse is also true, and that understanding is was helped me eliminate certain triggers that used to bother me. 

I refused to allow the knowledge that my fWS met the POSOM at a park I really enjoy to prevent me from enjoying it. Look at it as reclaiming something that is rightfully yours. The dates and places that were/are special to you should not be abandoned because of dysfunctional behavior on the part of your WS and the AP.


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## Welsh15 (Feb 24, 2014)

hawx20 said:


> I still have a few months before our anniversary but it will be the first since dday. I told her that our old marriage was dead. I tore up all the pictures of our wedding and that date no longer has meaning for me. If anything, I will be feeling very upset on that day and surely will not want to celebrate it.
> 
> Just wanted to see how other BSs handled it.


I know how you feel. DDay for me was last August after I caught my wife in a 3-year affair. We are 6 months into R. My 30th anniversary is this May. I still don't know how to recognize, if at all, what is now a very tainted milestone. Sad.


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## love=pain (Nov 26, 2012)

hawx20 said:


> I still have a few months before our anniversary but it will be the first since dday. I told her that our old marriage was dead. I tore up all the pictures of our wedding and that date no longer has meaning for me. If anything, I will be feeling very upset on that day and surely will not want to celebrate it.
> 
> Just wanted to see how other BSs handled it.


There have been a few here who have picked a new day or renewed their vows to start a "new" marriage and in theory it sounds great but with so much history both good and bad how does it all go away.
I would love to hit the rewind button back to the spot before her cheating or maybe even before we were married, do things differently with her or choose someone else but I just can't. 
What has been done cannot be undone and no matter how many pictures you tear up your history with your SO will always be there.

I will say I went a different route with some of it, now I have taken a laid back approach to our anniversary or other romantic days, I let her make the effort.
I did get our wedding pictures redone, we never had a complete set(actually tracked down the photographer got the original negatives) had a couple larger ones made up nice frames that stuff. 
We never had any wedding pictures hanging up thought it would be nice to focus on the good times, instead of trying to throw it all away just get back to the good.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

My thought is have a small present and card ready, but let HER do the work. Let HER set up dinner etc. See if the day is important to HER. 

This might be seen as passive aggressive or a sh!t test, but that's what I would do. Let her earn back the day. ONLY give the card and present if she initiates the celebration though.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

love=pain said:


> There have been a few here who have picked a new day or renewed their vows to start a "new" marriage and in theory it sounds great but with so much history both good and bad how does it all go away.
> I would love to hit the rewind button back to the spot before her cheating or maybe even before we were married, do things differently with her or choose someone else but I just can't.
> What has been done cannot be undone and no matter how many pictures you tear up your history with your SO will always be there.


The idea of "renewing the vows" really rubs me the wrong way. Especially when pushed by the WS. Only one person broke the vows.


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## Cloaked (Sep 15, 2013)

OM's birthday is the same as my wedding date. Still tempted to D because of that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Cloaked said:


> OM's birthday is the same as my wedding date. Still tempted to D because of that.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My condolences. *THAT* has simply got to be the worst trigger of them all. How do you get over the fact that the OM/OW's birthday is your wedding anniversary? 

I really don't know if I could handle that, and I wouldn't blame you if you couldn't either.


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## Hurtin_Still (Oct 3, 2011)

.....our anniversary is 1 day before D-day .....and my fWW is clueless as to why I'm not so enthusiastic about any kind of celebration or commemoration.

....of course ....she doesn't buy into the "her being clueless" thing ....she says it's that I'm "being ridiculous". Go figure?


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## hawx20 (Jan 10, 2013)

Dday was in November last year and anniversary is first week of October. I had no problem doing something for her birthday in February or Valentines Day.

R has been going very well so far, but still have zero interest in my anniversary. My old marriage is dead to me as well as that date. 

I dont know how I will feel/act on that day, all I know is I dont care to celebrate it.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Hawx20. Since the R is going well. This is where you and the wife should sit down and talk this out. Share your feelings about the date and then let her share her feelings . Things should be at the point were you both can come to an understanding about what the date means two both of you.

My first one was only a few weeks after D Day and it was not good. The following year we agreed to not celebrate our wedding anniversary but to celebrate our family. I know it sounds strange but it is how we dealt with it.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Let your wife know how you feel about the day and that you do not want to celebrate that day. Then she can be prepared not to celebrate the anniversary. 

Hopefully this will also give her some time to reflect on how your marriage has changed and be another reminder about her choices. 

If it were me, I would make sure to watch horror movies all evening. Anything like that to take my mind off the situation, at least for a few hours.


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

I gave him a generic card and everything else was a normal day. I didn't feel right pretending like we were happy like before, but I was in R so I didn't feel it appropriate to completely ignore it. We were 6 months out from D day on our anniversary.
I agree, you guys talk about it. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cloaked (Sep 15, 2013)

lordmayhem said:


> My condolences. *THAT* has simply got to be the worst trigger of them all. How do you get over the fact that the OM/OW's birthday is your wedding anniversary?
> 
> I really don't know if I could handle that, and I wouldn't blame you if you couldn't either.


We have talked about it. She doesn't expect me to be happy at all during our anniversary. I'll probably work that day just to avoid any awkwardness. I'll treat it as a day of mourning.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

How did it work out?


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## CantBelieveThis (Feb 25, 2014)

mine is coming up in may....i have yet to tell her i have no plans on celebrating it this year.....wondering what her reaction will be....


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