# Trivial Issue causing problems



## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

I need an honest assessment of how much of a whiner I am about this issue, please. Don't hold back.

I am a very light sleeper. My wife is a very heavy sleeper.

Since her weight gain, my wife is quite loud snoring at night. In addition, she has never discouraged the kids from coming to see her at night, so they will routinely come in and she will escort them back downstairs and sleep in their beds with them (essentially rewarding their behavior). Finally, she insists that the telephone ringer be kept on a wake-able level at night so that she can receive calls if someone needs her. Her friends, family, and coworkers (subordinates - she is in the medical field) call her as late as 2am and as early as 4:30am. (It is important for me to note that though she believes she needs to be on call for emergencies, she has not had a real emergency call in about 5 years.)

The net result of all this is I get woken up on average 5 times a night and it takes me time to get back to sleep. And I get angrier and angrier, especially as I get tired.

I have tried to tell her that I am a light sleeper and essentially put the ball in her court, but it didn't work. I suggest she see a doctor about the snoring but she will not go, since the doctor will ask her to lose weight. I installed a lock on the bedroom door, but she is too anxious to use it because she is worried the kids will cry out and she will not hear. I asked that she reign in her friends and work folks and have them respect quiet hours from midnight till 8am, but that fell on deaf ears too.

This morning after a crazy weekend of practically no sleep, I lost it and told her I was removing the phone from the bedroom and locking the door at night and it was her choice which side of the door she wanted to be on. That made me, of course, a controlling bastard who needs everything his way.

Am I being reasonable here? My solution is a bit drastic I admit, but I don't think my needs are all that unreasonable here.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

You have asked nicely and got nowhere. What other steps can you take, to show her this is a necessity for you? Does she have a cell phone? These can be put on vibrate to wake her if need be. How old are the children? (Hopefully they will outgrow this phase soon). As a light sleeper, and a night worker to boot, I can relate to your frustrations all too well. Perhaps your drastic actions will be a starting point for negotiations. Wishing you the best, (and restful sleep)! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

The kids coming in the bedroom and her going back to bed with them in their rooms needs to be dealt with. They need to learn to sleep in their beds and to stop getting up unless they are sick or its an emergency. This is an issue that you both need to deal with together. 

The second thing is, she does need to see a doctor about the snoring. My dad is overweight and has been snoring for years. They did a sleep study on him and he has sleep apnea. He now wears that machine to help him. He has had some good luck so far with the machine and he has said many times it has really helped him. Not only is he sleeping better but so is my mother because she isn't woke up by the snoring. 

If the doctor suggests she lose some weight, thats tough if she doesn't want to hear it. That just says she knows she needs to. I would just try to explain to her that this isn't just about her losing weight/snoring, its about her overall health.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

You need your sleep. I don't know how to get it, but you aren't making a big deal out of nothing. I would be irritated too!


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

My wife gets medical calls at night from her answering service, if it is an emergency. I'm a light sleeper, but she's not. Our phone goes silent at night because I hear the one down the hall. That was our compromise. 

And hopefully, the kids are old enough that they can learn to knock if it is a real emergency.

Sadly, you put yourself in an unwinnable situation with lashing out. Doesn't matter if her snoring is waking the dead, or moving the house off its foundation, in her eyes, you're a big brute. Life is unfair. Makes you wonder why life can't be unfair in our favor about half the time?


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

I agree about her getting checked out for sleep apnea. That can be a serious issue. 

If you talk to her about it, I would come across as you being concerned about her health. Try not to make it so much about the fact she needs to lose weight. Chances are, she already knows she needs to lose some, but when people harp to much or focus to much on just the weight issue, then it surely isn't going to make that person be motivated to try and lose any. 

Tell her you're concerned about her breathing and how you have heard people with sleep apnea can stop breathing during the night. If she is in the medical field, she should be very familiar with this. 

As far as the kids go, I do agree you both need to be on the same page about that issue. They need to stay in their beds. Even if she were to walk them back to their rooms, she needs to come back to bed with you, of if she chooses to get up and go stay with them in their rooms, then lock the door and tell her she made her choice when she chose to take them to their rooms and to say with them.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

It is very difficult to talk to her about her snoring but I have done the best I can. I never specifically mention the weight until she basically forces me to - she'll say, "Why go to the doctor, what's he going to say?", and I'll mention sleep apnea and weight and she will tune out. Her snoring is so loud that I wear ear plugs and keep a fan running for ambient noise and she still wakes me.

Our most recent chat about the kids was that one of the kids she sleeps with is 9 and that is way too old for co-sleeping. After stating that, I asked that she make a decision before she comes to bed: either sleep in the adult bed with the door shut, or start and stay in the kids' bed. Status quo of sleeping in the bedroom but having kids come up to an open door continued.

My wife is not directly related to patient care, so she does not "need" to get emergency phone calls unless there is a major issue such as power loss issues to buildings, etc. This is extremely rare and if this is all it was, I'd wholeheartedly be in favor of it. But no, she'll get friends phoning at midnight, family phoning at 1am to tell her what the little baby just did, or workmates calling her to say, "We had a minor glitch in Room 10 but everything is ok." I find those calls very inconsiderate... just because she can roll over and be asleep in a matter of seconds, doesn't mean I can! 

I am just resigning myself to the fact that unless I make a big deal (ie become the brute) about something, it won't get noticed. I can read her mood from a mile away and know precisely when the right time to offer to go buy chocolate ice cream is... I wonder why she can't see the same in me about this... but maybe learning she can't see it is just as important.


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## ren (Aug 1, 2011)

Sleep deprivation is extremely bad for your physical and mental health. I don't think it's unreasonable at all to demand that you be allowed to get the sleep you need. How you made your demand may not of been the most productive, but it's entirely understandable that you were upset. It may actually be the sleep deprivation that caused you to become as upset as you did, studies have shown that people who haven't had enough sleep are more easily provoked to anger (among other things).


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## ren (Aug 1, 2011)

Acorn said:


> I am just resigning myself to the fact that unless I make a big deal (ie become the brute) about something, it won't get noticed. I can read her mood from a mile away and know precisely when the right time to offer to go buy chocolate ice cream is... I wonder why she can't see the same in me about this... but maybe learning she can't see it is just as important.


You should try making a big deal about this without becoming the brute. This really isn't a trivial issue, your health is being compromised by her behaviors. Her health is potentially an issue as well, sleep apnea is serious business. You need her to understand that the current sleeping situation is not sustainable. Becoming the brute to get her to notice may work on some level, but if she can't see the problem here you really need a more effective method of communicating.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

I've had to get sleep studies because of a rare, but minor muscle disease, so I came to find out that most of the sleep study patients were there for apnea. My heart was briefly stopping a hundred times or more during the night, but it was from weak breathing muscles, and respiratory therapy has brought it back to normal. The doctor said that the same thing happens in sleep apnea, but it is due to airway obstructions. Long term, I think it is linked to quite a few health disorders, like heart attacks and stroke. Its not a minor thing.

On our phones, we can silence the ringer and voice identification of callers during the night. We also block most unknown callers. Down the hall, I can hear the other phone name the caller, but with a very low ring at night. To me, I can go back to sleep pretty easily if there is no loud ring. But if it says the name of her answering service, I get her up.


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