# New me too



## .... (10 mo ago)

Hi. First time.
Relationship 39 years. 1 adult child. We've been through a lot, including my horrors of former alcoholism, untreated (before) bipolar 2, and adultery (not 100% sure he knows but probably suspects). He has stuck by but trust wobbles a lot. The last year he flies off the handle at me whenever he perceives signs of my former behavior. He may well be right but I don't know how to change any more than I've done. We're so strongly united but it's so sad now. Thoughts?


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

What do you expect?

You were anything but a trustworthy partner before, and he likely panics a bit when he sees the slightest sign of a return to such behavior. 

Why have you not confessed the affair?

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## .... (10 mo ago)

Those things are 10 good years in the past. Would it help him or us to know I was worse than he knew? 
My post wasn't about my expectations, and I'm not challenging his behavior. I guess I wondered if anyone shared guilt and pain as well as love in marriage too.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

SMHB said:


> Those things are 10 good years in the past. Would it help him or us to know I was worse than he knew?
> My post wasn't about my expectations, and I'm not challenging his behavior. I guess I wondered if anyone shared guilt and pain as well as love in marriage too.


Not sure what the statute of limitations is on being a cheater. He has zero reasons to trust you. The fact that you’re STILL lying about your adultery proves that. Make all the excuses you want, you’re stealing years of his life and using lies to do it.


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## .... (10 mo ago)

The advice to confess might have been helpful if the tone of the two posts in which it was given weren't so bitter. I guess you're showing me that bitterness doesn't change?


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

SMHB said:


> The advice to confess might have been helpful if the tone of the two posts in which it was given weren't so bitter. I guess you're showing me that bitterness doesn't change?


It sounds bitter to you because you don’t believe your infidelity was wrong. A good person would confess and let the other person get on with their life.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

SMHB said:


> Hi. First time.
> Relationship 39 years. 1 adult child. We've been through a lot, including my horrors of former alcoholism, untreated (before) bipolar 2, and adultery (not 100% sure he knows but probably suspects). He has stuck by but trust wobbles a lot. The last year he flies off the handle at me whenever he perceives signs of my former behavior. He may well be right but I don't know how to change any more than I've done. We're so strongly united but it's so sad now. Thoughts?


If he is flying off the handle at any sign of the former you, then it’s very likely that he knows more than you think and it’s eating him up inside.

He may be thinking that you’re not _really_ a safe partner and haven’t truly repented of your former self. He’s scared you’ll do slip backward.

it would likely do you and him good to clear the air. Get it all out, everything. Give him some peace about it.
It could end your relationship but the way it’s going now may end too.

You know this or you wouldn’t be here asking.
At least if you come clean, there could be a chance to salvage what you have.


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## .... (10 mo ago)

Thank you for the civil reply, BeyondRepair. You're right about him. I'm still not sure about "coming clean" -- I've heard other trusted sources say the opposite.
Anyway, now that I realize that the first responder to this thread is a super-moderator, I'm a little freaked out by this forum and am going silent. But thanks.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

.... said:


> Thank you for the civil reply, BeyondRepair. You're right about him. I'm still not sure about "coming clean" -- I've heard other trusted sources say the opposite.
> Anyway, now that I realize that the first responder to this thread is a super-moderator, I'm a little freaked out by this forum and am going silent. But thanks.


Sorry to hear that.
TAM is a public place with tons of varying life experiences.

A lot of the people here been very badly hurt by infidelity-related issues in their past (myself included).
As such, the opinions are sometimes more direct than a person would like.

My suggestion is to ignore the status of people (Super Moderator doesn't mean they somehow are better than anyone else at giving advice)
Continue to post and answer questions, even the ones that might be a bit painful.
List to everyone and consider it for your situation.
Ignore the stuff that doesn't apply.

I recommended coming clean because if he has doubts about you, then he is sensing that he doesn't know the truth. Or at least he knows something doesn't add up. If you truly are ready to help him through the anything now, you can't do that while he still has doubts like that. He won't be fully trusting of your helping hands.

Prove you are open, honest, and fully his without reservation. I would have given anything in the world if my wayward wife had done that. 

Best of luck to you OP.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

.... said:


> Thank you for the civil reply, BeyondRepair. You're right about him. I'm still not sure about "coming clean" -- I've heard other trusted sources say the opposite.
> Anyway, now that I realize that the first responder to this thread is a super-moderator, I'm a little freaked out by this forum and am going silent. But thanks.


I just dont understand how anyone could keep such a secret from the person they say they love. What sort of marriage is it with such a dark secret?


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

Do your husband a favor and leave him. He deserves better.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

.... said:


> The advice to confess might have been helpful if the tone of the two posts in which it was given weren't so bitter. I guess you're showing me that bitterness doesn't change?


Interesting that you find my post bitter. In my head, as I was typing it, it was quite the opposite, albeit direct.

That said, your interpretation of my post being bitter likely has more to do with you than it does me.

You are pretty sensitive to judgment. Where does that come from?



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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Until you confess to your past indiscretions, you have no right to expect that he regard you any better than you have him.

No bitterness, just objective truth.


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## Asterix (May 16, 2021)

So, I'm a "armchair psychologist" (minus the psychologist part). Here's what I think.

You mentioned that your partner had to deal with your

• Alcoholism
• Bipolar 2 disorder
• Suspected adultery

All the while carrying a significant portion of the responsibility of running the household and trying their best to raise a child right. At what point does the person stop looking at all this as responsibility and starts looking at it like a burden? At what point that person starts feeling trapped in the relationship and tries to grin and bear it for the sake of the child? Because they know that you are not going to do a good job of raising the child and they would not get to be in the life of their child every day.

He may have lived through all the abuse that was heaped onto him and he may still be shell shocked and may have some sort of trauma/stress reaction to your behavior even after all these years.

You are saying that you are strongly united, but for all we know you may not have a good level of situational awareness and the same situation may look entirely different from his point of view.

I'm mentioning all this so that it'd help you when you start with your deep introspection and it'll help you to have some questions to ask of yourself to get to know who you really are deep down in your core. I'll leave aside the topic of adultery because it seem to be a touchy topic for you. I think it may or may not help him to know that you were/are worse than what he thinks of you. It is difficult to say. I think what will help this situation is for you to accept and know deeply that you are worse than what he thinks of you. I’m not trying to attack your person. What I'm trying to say is that any time is a good time to start to look deep within yourself and see what it is that we need to improve upon.

We do not always have the skills and tools to do so. So, IMO, it'll help you immensely if you start with individual counseling to get to the root of all your past and present behavior. Reading between the lines and I may be wrong here however, I don't think you have done much work towards self-improvement. Once you are at a place where you have a good understanding of yourself and where all these issues like alcoholism and adultery stem from, it would be a good idea to start doing marriage/couple's counseling. The suspected adultery causes havoc to a person's psyche. I'd urge you to read posts on this forum as well as survivinginfidility . Com forum to get an idea of long term effects of infidelity on the betrayed spouse.

I think he flies off the handle whenever he perceives even the tiniest signs of your former behavior, because he likely wants to nip it in the bud and he might worry that he'll have to go through all that nightmare again.

This is just an opinion of one random internet person. But I do hope that it helps you consider some of your choices.

Edited to add: I attest that I'm not a moderator (super or otherwise). I'm just a bonafide random internet stranger and I hope that providing with an alternate point of view may help you look at the situation differently.


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

You aren't going to get much sympathy for your cheating unless you go to that one subreddit where cheaters cheer on each other. Any other website is going to tell you the same thing you heard here. Sounds like a lot of your former behavior involves a lot of lying and deception. His constant weariness of skepticism sounds justified.


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