# Cheating wife still talking to OM What to do?



## LostIn (Jan 19, 2011)

A quick synopsis of my situation:

Had a feeling that my wife may be cheating, checked the cell phone records and pretty much knew she was. I confronted her and she confessed to having an emotional affair for the last year and a half, which then turned physical 2 months prior. That was on December 20th, 2010.

Of course I was devastated, we've been married for 16 years together for 21. We have 2 children, 12 and 15 years old. I told her I forgive her and that we should try to work it out. She said shes in love with him, she still loves me but not IN love with me. A few days later after crying and anger and all the normal feelings I did some reading about this. She shows all the classic in a fog symptoms and there is no convincing that she would be making a huge mistake by not trying to fix our marriage. 

After she continued contacting the OM thru phone and texts, I told her that if she continued to do so she would need to leave. She did so and is staying with a person who knows nothing of the situation. She says that she has not seen the OM in person since I found out of the affair, but wants to.

I need some advice and where to go from here. She is still coming over to house almost everyday, seeing the kids, hanging out with us, cleaning a little, organizing pictures, went to the movies with us. It's crazy and I don't think I can keep doing this. The other thing is she is friend with the OM's (soon to be ex-wife, (not because of the affair)) and wants to continue to see her as a friend. I said no.

Should I just get on with my life, make the changes to myself that I realize need changing? 

Should I not talk to her unless it involves her seeing the children? (they are with me at our house). 

Is it time to just appear to stop trying to save the marriage? 

I have told 2 of my closest friends and her brother of the affair after she showed no remorse. We did see a marriage counselor once. She is now in individual therapy. I will be starting therapy next week. 

Thanks for your reply(s)!


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Wow! Sounds like my situation. Except when I reached the point I couldn't take it anymore, I told her to move out.

No contact except for the kids, and then only casual conversation when I did see her (mostly about the kids and the schedule). Sometimes she would get mad at me after the separation and I just ignored it, and just let it slide off my back (not as easy at it sounds).

In my situation, I had to get my "balls" back, and find myself again so I could once again feel like a man.

There's really good resources and/or links on this site about the 180 program, and the stick and the carrot technique. I'm not sure what the links are, though....sorry.... but they totally worked for me. After two months of this, my wife decided to come back, and we are now in councelling together. Only time will tell how this works out, though, but so far so good.

Hope things work out for you!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Yes , get on with your life. focus on being a better, stronger, confident person for yourself and your kids. Control the things you can control, and that is only you. You can not control her. Most likely she will find this confidence attractive and get her to start second guessing her dicisions.

Yes, in keeping your distance she will see the confident person that knows he will succeed and move forward with or with out her. This two will get her thinking about the dicisions she is making. So the furture the better, soon you will see her want more of you. then slowing you can start giving your self back.

No, this is the time you want to tell her you want this marraige more then anything, BUT you will not tolorate her behavior and NC is a most for the marraige to work. 

So until then you will stay focus on you and the kids and you no longer what to talk about rebuilding the marraige until the OM is completely out of the picture and you can verify this though her transperantcy (passwords etc.)

Tough love has worked for my cheating wife and many others on this site. 

Remember no cring, begging or pleading set that boundry and control what you can control. Its is in her court and the respect you demand will someday look attactive to her.

I suggest for now, expose the affair to everyone by asking for there support in rebuilding your marraige.

Good luck you will need it, this was and still is the toughest sh*t I've been through.


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## asdf974 (Jan 20, 2011)

Expose to everyone that matters to your wife and the OM.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Thank 974, I forgot that part.

In doing this it will make the affair more difficult to continue, and causing a riff in fantasy land. Remember main thing is getting OM out of the picture and confirming its over.


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## sorrysole (Jan 20, 2011)

LostIn get on with your life. A partner who physically cheats is unforgivable. I know many dont agree but I think it exposes a rotten core. The reality is that she couldn't care about you or her family at all and was focused on her own pleasure only to have done this. A reasonable partner who had any feelings would simply have told you they wanted a separation before starting a physical relationship.

Move on get your self esteem back and be happy.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

sorrysole makes a good point, what caused her to stop caring?


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

alpha and guy are right. You need to tell her that you won't be doing the family thing anymore. Tell her though you want the marriage it hurts your self respect to let it go on as it is. Make up a visitation schedule (ON PAPER) for her to look over. This will make it "real" to her. Tell her she doesn't need to clean the house, make meals or do laundry. Tell her you need to start moving on and will be contacting a lawyer. I hope you have cut her off financially. All these CONCRETE steps will hopefully help clear her fog. If not, then you know you have to take these steps anyways. Good luck.


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## LostIn (Jan 19, 2011)

Thanks for your replies everyone. I get the same consensus from each of you and I used a little of what each of you explained. 

Sorrysole, I don't completely agree with you, but I can see how you feel that way. If she does come back and this happens again
I'm sure I'll look at this different.

I sat down with her last night and told her she needs to choose, me or him. Told her that I am moving on with my new life, that I want her to be a part of it but moving on regardless. Told her if she decides to come back and work it out, great, if not we need to set up a schedule for her to come and pick up the kids when she wants. I told her I didn't want to hear from her again unless it involves the kids. If I don't hear from her today, I would then start calling our close friends and asking them to help with the situation. (She claimed I was only trying to hurt her). 

The guy: She stopped caring because in our relationship she was the giver and all I did was take. I was not there emotionally for her. I didn't help with the cleaning or other household stuff. I worked and provided (just like my dad). Period. I see my errors now...

This is going to be difficult... wish me luck...

Thanks again and I'll let you know how it turns out.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Expose to anyone supporting her. Tell the STB X wife / friend who will surely not like the idea that her friend is doing her STBXH.


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## LostIn (Jan 19, 2011)

Hicks said:


> Expose to anyone supporting her. Tell the STB X wife / friend who will surely not like the idea that her friend is doing her STBXH.


She already knows. Her relationship with her husband was over. She doesn't seem to care...


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Start talking to her like you have accepted the fact that your M is over. Don't talk to her about moving out, exposure, custody or even divorce like you're trying to make her see the error of her ways-tell her these things like a casual conversation, as if you're talking about the weather. Start showing her apartment ads, compare the rates of moving/rental van companies, casually talk about the pros and cons of moving to a place close by or out of state, whether or not you should sell the house and split the money. Answer all of her questions beginning with: "Well, after you move out and things settle..."

180 her!


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

And date her friends...


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## prabagarb (May 12, 2011)

Hi don't be *****, I am dead serious about that. Be a completely confident man and start dating other woman, don't show any emotional attachment with your wife, that doesn't mean not being gentleman. Be a good man but not a weak man. Guys are too way emotional about their wife than their wife about them. So if you want to get back your wife if you really care her, be prepared to the level of getting over her. How much you are being confident and being happy without her and show her that you are happy without her that will make her to realize losing a good life with you.

One important thing keep no contact or if it necessary just a 5 min contact in a week for two months, then talk about anything to her as a complete confident man. 

It sounds like I am rude but it is not. Wish you all the best


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Good luck Lostin. You have some great advice on this thread. I hope you follow it.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

LostIn said:


> She stopped caring because in our relationship she was the giver and all I did was take. I was not there emotionally for her. I didn't help with the cleaning or other household stuff. I worked and provided (just like my dad). Period. I see my errors now...


Affairs can happen even in good marriages. Read the book by the late Dr Shirley Glass PhD titled 'Not Just Friends'.

Your wife had an obligation to bring the marital problems that your behavior was causing up to your attention by suggesting marital counseling. If after doing this you scoffed at her and continued being a selfish jerk of a husband then she had the obligation to file for divorce. That is how honorable people do things.

*The choice to have an affair is hers and hers alone*.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

This got my attention.


LostIn said:


> Sorrysole, I don't completely agree with you, but I can see how you feel that way. If she does come back and this happens again
> I'm sure I'll look at this different.


I think in 6 months to a year from now you'll think differently. If you had a friend who's wife cheated on him like yours did what advice would you give him? 

Your brain is trying to rationalize staying with her just like her brain is trying to rationalize the affair. You are both too emotional to think clearly.

I get the impression that she is just biding her time until the OM's divorce is final before jumping ship and running to him. She may just try to pacify you in the mean time until she is ready. If she was stupid enough to do this it would be a guaranteed failure but don't try to stop her if she does. Some people have to learn things the hard way.

You have to take the tough love approach and have her face the consequences now. She has to be scared that she will lose you forever and get a chance to miss you. That means turning your back on her until she is beating down your door to talk to you.

You also have to develop habits that make you less of a taker. Don't tell her you are doing this, just do it and she will see for herself later.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

It's been 4 months without an update. I wonder what happened? She was sitting on the fence and keeping him on as a backup in case her affair with OM goes south.


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