# Seperation leading to divorce - thoughts needed



## spursy2022 (11 mo ago)

Hi all,
Back in April 2020 my wife asked for me space from our marriage of 5 years and relationship of 15 years in total. We lived together in a house and have a daugther that is now 4 and she has a son from a previous relationship who is now 15 and calls me Dad.

Following her decision to ask for space, i was distraught and i genuinely did not know how to handle the situation. I didnt want to loose my wife, my children and my home.
Things got pretty bad after she voiced this to me and i ended up leaving the family home and moved back to my parents house which is fairly local to them.

At the time of the seperation my wife told me she wasnt in love with me anymore, couldnt stand live or be around me, she told me to move out of the family home and go a rent somewhere to live for a 'while' with no timescale set and when i told her i wouldnt be able to afford to pay rent and still pay the mortage and contribute towards bills at the house she told me to go off and 'earn more money' in order to achieve it.

I saw a side of her that i had never seen before.

During the 'separation' period i would message her from time to time asking how she was feeling and if she would consider councilling and she would say she felt she was happier alone that in a marriage that made her unhappy and that she didnt think councilling would work as she didnt need 'somoene tell her how she already feels'.

Obviously i was devasted by all of this and it has taken me time to get back on my feet. I am still at my parents but have not filled for divorce against her yet. I think during this time i realised perhaps i didnt love her as much as i thought i did before we got married, and i am by no means a saint and have my faults like everyone does but i couldnt help feeling stabbed in the back by it all - i offered so much, helped provide a stable home for the kids and was working towards a better career path. 
I was snappy at times and ocasionally would take my moods out of her, but she was the same as me in this respect - to me it was just a normal relationship.

Subsequently, i have met someone else now who i enjoy spending time with and when i told my wife this she turned around and basically said she wanted me back, wanted to be a family again etc which filled me with guilt. She has said things to me like 'you have chosen your new partner over your daughter' in order to try and make me feel guilty, and i do feel guilty for this but why should I? it wasnt my choice to seperate. 

Lots of things have been said and done now and their is so much water under the bridge to the point where i wouldnt want to return to my wife - but why do i feel so guilty? what can i do to help me refrain from feeling this way?

Your thoughts and opinions on all of this will be greatly welcomed


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

If I am going to be honest, you sound weak and she sounds manipulative. 

You sound weak because you allowed an untenable situation to continue out of fear. Then you made the ultimate weak move by finding a girlfriend while you are still married. Strong people end their current relationship before starting a new one. Does this new girl know you are still married?

She is clearly manipulative because SHE is the one that insisted you leave, and wanted nothing to do with you, but now she suddenly wants you back, and says YOU are responsible for damaging your daughter? Bovine excrement. 

I would leave your wife without a doubt. She does not sound like someone who possesses the character to be in a stable relationship. 

You need some self improvement. Start with two books: Hold On To Your N.U.T.'s by Wayne Levine, and No More Mister Nice Guy by Robert Glover. Start there. 

Sent from my Pixel 6 using Tapatalk


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## MarmiteC (Jun 28, 2021)

Some people here will tell you that you shouldn't have started a new relationship when you're not divorced. If you both had agreement the relationship is over I see no issue with it personally.

Did you tell her you were ready to move on also before you did? If not, that may be fuelling some of your guilt if there wasn't mutual agreement.

I don't feel you have anything to feel guilty for.


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## spursy2022 (11 mo ago)

I asked my wife if she wanted to try again and try and resolve issues on several ocasions and she said no - i took that to mean that the marriage was over, before moving on. 
We never really had the conversation as such to say 'im moving on etc' but from the way she was behaving and the fact i felt i was getting nowhere with any reconcilliation quite frankly i gave up.

We were still talking at this time but had too for the sake of the children and to make arrangements.

My new partner is someone ive actually known for a long time and she found herself in a similar situation to be - so thats how we got talking and spending time together as we had that mutual ground.


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

Your wife thought that you would live out the rest of your days pining for her and working to provide for her. Once you got a girlfriend, your wife saw her plan falling apart so she then wants you back. She doesn't want you back, she just wants you to provide for her. She is a manipulative wench and she is using the guilt trip to keep you where she wants you. 

As far as the girlfriend goes, your former relationship with your wife was already over before you began the relationship with the girlfriend. Just because the divorce has not gone through yet is just a technicality. You have nothing to feel guilty about. Make sure your daughter is taken care of, go stone cold on the wife, and enjoy your new life with the new girl.


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

Don't take her back. First of all, women often use separation aka "needing space" as an excuse to sleep around or test out a new guy. Maybe that or he didn't work out and now she wants you back.

Don't do it. A couple years from now she'll do the same thing again.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Your marriage is over. Let's for argument's sake consider you going back; it would be a disaster again because none of the issues that lead to the break-up has been solved.

Basically, the moment she saw you moving on, she could not have that. That's bad news in itself for going back to the broken relationship. 

Moreover, do you think for one moment that she has not been with other dudes? Would you want to go back to a woman that was yours only, but not now? Can you accept that fact?

My advice: move on.


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

farsidejunky said:


> Then you made the ultimate weak move by finding a girlfriend while you are still married.


I disagree with this. She wasn't budging so why should he wait around? I do agree that he should have at least got the ball rolling with divorce though, and he shouldn't have allowed her to subject him to such treatment.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Benbutton said:


> I disagree with this. She wasn't budging so why should he wait around? I do agree that he should have at least got the ball rolling with divorce though, and he shouldn't have allowed her to subject him to such treatment.


Absolutely, for the life of me I can't understand people with the mentality, that you have to be divorce in order to move on. That's ridiculous. Every person is different, we all have different takes, and outlooks in life. Some can move on right away, others, even years after the divorce they can't. It should be decided by the individual as they see it fit.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Interesting scenario. She kicked you out gambling that it would result in a higher earning and submissive spouse. She gambled and lost. Now she is screwed and she knows it. Want her back? Go in with terms of surrender, get her to admit what she was up to. Point out that she was the one who kicked you out, so she can live with her decisions. If you no longer want her, tell everyone how she manipulated you into a separation. Life sucks when everyone gets the horse laugh at your stupid decisions.

I had something similar, her response was that she now had to let a whole bunch of strange ****s in her to replace a perfectly fine guy who needed a “tweak” or two to get him up to standards. She is remarried, not happily. Her ex is.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

spursy2022 said:


> I asked my wife if she wanted to try again and try and resolve issues on several ocasions and she said no - i took that to mean that the marriage was over, before moving on.
> We never really had the conversation as such to say 'im moving on etc' but from the way she was behaving and the fact i felt i was getting nowhere with any reconcilliation quite frankly i gave up.
> 
> We were still talking at this time but had too for the sake of the children and to make arrangements.
> ...


How long have you been seperated?


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## spursy2022 (11 mo ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> How long have you been seperated?


it will be 2 years in april, thats when i started to spend time away from the house but didnt move out officiially until august 2020


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## blackclover3 (Apr 23, 2021)

spursy2022 said:


> it will be 2 years in april, thats when i started to spend time away from the house but didnt move out officiially until august 2020


if you ever decide to get back to her ( from your Beta personality ) - please make sure you test her for STDs before you know what.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Rob_1 said:


> Absolutely, for the life of me I can't understand people with the mentality, that you have to be divorce in order to move on. That's ridiculous. Every person is different, we all have different takes, and outlooks in life. Some can move on right away, others, even years after the divorce they can't. It should be decided by the individual as they see it fit.


If I may be of service here, I don’t believe @farsidejunky is telling OP not to move on, but rather to do so in strength rather than weakness.

A strong man would have said, “You want space, YOU move out. This is the marital, family home that I’ve provided and if you don’t want to be part of the family, I won’t stop you.” Or “You wanted space and part of space means I don’t pay your bills anymore.” Or at least decided that she made a promise to him for life, she wants to break that promise, he loves himself more than to allow a life partner ti treat him like that, and he’ll give her all the breathing room in the world! Then gone off and filed for his own dignity. That’s acting from strength.

What the OP is doing is acting from weakness and fear. He let his spouse tell him where to live, when she wanted space, what bills he’d pay, how many jobs to work while she didn’t work at all, when and how long to separate, when and if they divorced, etc. And rather than refusing to accept that treatment from someone who supposedly “loved him” he went along with it. Then, he went from one woman to another. So now #1 says she wants him back and he’s letting her call the shots while he hurts his own life AND the life of this new lady. That’s acting from weakness.

It’s not the moving on. In fact, I believe it has been good for him to realize there are other women out there and he’ll be happy. But the reason I join far in recommending acting from strength is so the OP grows as a person. Make HIS OWN decision about his own life, don’t waffle, be decisive and ACT on his own choice what HE believes is best FOR HIM AND HIS CHILD. Wifey doesn’t call all the shots. He’s just as equally the daughter’s parent as she is, so he gets his say.

See what we mean? Act from strength. It shows character and moral fortitude.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Rob_1 said:


> Your marriage is over. Let's for argument's sake consider you going back;* it would be a disaster again because none of the issues that lead to the break-up has been solved.*
> 
> Basically, the *moment she saw you moving on, she could not have that.* That's bad news in itself for going back to the broken relationship.
> 
> ...


I have to agree with this. Just like clockwork, an ex wants you back once she sees another woman wants you. Doesn’t want to lose her plan b. She expected you to pine away for her indefinitely.

She broke the family up to test drive a new guy she was having an affair with. Seeing if she can take it to the next level without having to hide from you. Of course, it has not went anywhere because most affair partners are not looking to wife up a cheating wife with kids from 2 men.

Which bring up the last part, so you want to go back to a wife who kicked you to the curb and has given her best to at least one guy over all this time.

No dude, get your finances in order so you can move out on your own. It sad that her son, who calls you dad, did not come up in the equation of her thinking when she busted up the family but that is on her. You need to get the custody ironed out for your bio son.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Affaircare said:


> If I may be of service here, I don’t believe @farsidejunky is telling OP not to move on, but rather to do so in strength rather than weakness.
> 
> A strong man would have said, “You want space, YOU move out. This is the marital, family home that I’ve provided and if you don’t want to be part of the family, I won’t stop you.” Or “You wanted space and part of space means I don’t pay your bills anymore.” Or at least decided that she made a promise to him for life, she wants to break that promise, he loves himself more than to allow a life partner ti treat him like that, and he’ll give her all the breathing room in the world! Then gone off and filed for his own dignity. That’s acting from strength.
> 
> ...


I wholeheartedly agreed with your statement, but since you quote me, let me clarify that my statement was in reply to @Benbutton statement in reference to @farsidejunky's:



farsidejunky said:


> Then you made the ultimate weak move by finding a girlfriend while you are still married.


I was agreeing to the reality that you do not need to be divorced to move on to a new relationship. That's not being weak. Being weak is the way he went about it, the time he let lapse being in hopium with the wife, the meek and pathetic reactions to his wife's demands.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

spursy2022 said:


> I asked my wife if she wanted to try again and try and resolve issues on several ocasions and she said no - i took that to mean that the marriage was over, before moving on.
> We never really had the conversation as such to say 'im moving on etc' but from the way she was behaving and the fact i felt i was getting nowhere with any reconcilliation quite frankly i gave up.
> 
> We were still talking at this time but had too for the sake of the children and to make arrangements.
> ...


When she said she didn't want to resolve anything multiple times, over a long period of time, that was the end of your marriage. At that moment you should have filed, but you can't change that now.

You can fix it going forward, you need to file for divorce. She's been with other men while you pay the bills and as soon she saw her plan A dissolve, she thought maybe go back to plan B (you). If she brings up the daughter to guilt you, flip it on her, and say that she absolutely caused the end of the relationship, not you, period (fullstop).

If you go back, it will be nothing but problems. Sorry you are in this spot, but you need to realize your marriage ended long ago, you just never completed the paperwork.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Rob_1 said:


> I wholeheartedly agreed with your statement, but since you quote me, let me clarify that my statement was in reply to @Benbutton statement in reference to @farsidejunky's:
> 
> 
> 
> I was agreeing to the reality that you do not need to be divorced to move on to a new relationship. That's not being weak. Being weak is the way he went about it, the time he let lapse being in hopium with the wife, the meek and pathetic reactions to his wife's demands.


Let me preface what I am about to post with the following:

I have lost my desire to debate or argue my positions with folks on the internet, so rarely anymore will I engage with someone refuting a point I have made.

That said, @Affaircare put what I was trying to say far more eloquently that I ever could have, but she is only hitting about 95% of it.

The other 5% is my firm belief that it simply is not healthy to immerse yourself into another relationship with someone (not a casual hook up or FWB, but an actual relationship with longer outlook potential) when you are currently in, or freshly out of, another long term relationship... especially when you (proverbial) were the one that was dumped. 

Hook ups are amazing things for the freshly discarded. But rare is the person in a healthy headspace that just got dumped by their significant other. Hens-teeth rare. 

Sent from my Pixel 6 using Tapatalk


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I couldn’t even finish your post or read any of the follow up posts.

The person you married is a horrible spouse and you have no spine or balls and have allowed her to push you around. 

Get your balls and backbone back, send her divorce papers and bang other chicks.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Why did you move out when she wanted space? That’s dumb.

If she wants space she can pack her bags and go find a place and find a way to pay for it.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

You should have already divorced and I don't know why she didn't file for divorce if she's the one who wanted it, but I suspect it's because she kept bossing you around telling you what to do about money and where to live which really is up to a divorce settlement agreement and not her. 

I would feel like your marriage is already over and get that divorce ASAP because nothing is going to improve. There is probably something financial she thinks she is losing here. And I will also put a bug in your ear that if you're in the United States all the states have different rules about moving away from any children you're going to have any visitation with. Most of them make you stay within for example 30 miles. 

And that applies to both of you. Now it's possible you are not going to try to have visitation. But she may be thinking if she gets a divorce she'll be stuck in one place if you want visitation and that might be her motivation for suddenly not wanting a divorce. 

But I would ignore that and stay in close proximity because wherever you guys are when any custody agreement goes into effect is where you will both be stuck or within a small diameter of there. 

But your problems aren't going to be any better if you stay with her and if you found someone you think you get along with better, stay put and get a divorce. Do it with an attorney of your own.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Read up on rebounds. You have enough issues to resolve without adding more. Put your effort into letting her go and moving on. You’ll be better off longterm if you can pull that off.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

farsidejunky said:


> Let me preface what I am about to post with the following:
> 
> I have lost my desire to debate or argue my positions with folks on the internet, so rarely anymore will I engage with someone refuting a point I have made.
> 
> ...


I wholeheartedly agree with you. on your point. My point is that not everyone is the same. Some (like me) can do it, others can't.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

So did she find someone else during this time? If so, are you sure this started after the two of you separated?

In these two years have you been with other women? How far have things progressed with the new lady in your life?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

spursy2022 said:


> Hi all,
> Back in April 2020 my wife asked for me space from our marriage of 5 years and relationship of 15 years in total. We lived together in a house and have a daugther that is now 4 and she has a son from a previous relationship who is now 15 and calls me Dad.
> 
> Following her decision to ask for space, i was distraught and i genuinely did not know how to handle the situation. I didnt want to loose my wife, my children and my home.
> ...


Too late.

You shouldn't feel guilty, this is your life. Sounds to me like she tested someone else out, it didn't work out and now she wants her fall back, except you moved on. 

Again stop eith the guilt. Everything in life ends, your wife will get over it. I am sure that was exactly her take about you when she left.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

jsmart said:


> get your finances in order so you can move out on your own. It sad that her son, who calls you dad, did not come up in the equation of her thinking when she busted up the family but that is on her. You need to get the custody ironed out for your bio son.


i think this is much simpler than it seems, OP.
you told her it is over, that you were moving on with a new woman.
than means you will finally want an actual divorce. that means she gets half of the house, and half of other posessions. But right now she has 100% of the house and assets. so, she is in her mind losing half of her "stuff". By stringing you along, she gets to delay that loss, until in her mind she DOES find a suitable new husband.

She assumes you do not see this, and somehow think she has "come to her senses and loves you again". 
No, she just wants the goodies you bring. period. 
She is a manipulative person. you can go back to her, but it will not make you happy. you will in effect just be her slave, working hard so she can live nicely, and likely she will still be seeing other guys behind your back.

this other new GF sounds like a wonderful person! 

Just ask yourself an honest question, who will you be happier with, the new GF, or your manipulative stbx?


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

oldshirt said:


> _*Why did you move out when she wanted space? That’s dumb.
> 
> If she wants space she can pack her bags and go find a place and find a way to pay for it.*_


OP, do you know what "I need some space" REALLY means?

For a lot of people, it means they're involved with someone *else* and want some time away from their spouse to test drive the new model they're contemplating trading their current model in for. And that's likely what your nasty wife was doing. 

Why on earth would you even CONSIDER taking back this piece of genetic waste?


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

If your woman says she wants space you show her the door. You don't pack yourself up and leave.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

thunderchad said:


> If your woman says she wants space you show her the door. You don't pack yourself up and leave.


or at least move her **** and a couch down to the basement. she can get all the space she wants down there!


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Whatever, I would point out that she wanted you out, and now she has lost big time. I hope the daughter falls in love with the new partner. The woman who thought her ex needed a few tweaks? Their son found his stepmom to be the greatest. Never angry or dour. Never screamed at him to be what she wanted. Didn’t scream at his dad. His dad smiled a lot, Mom is pissed with the entire world, says that dad walked away from them, as the son grew, he began pointing out that Mom drove dad away. Son eventually asks dad to take him in. Mom goes ballistic. Dad reminded her that she wanted space, she has all she wants now.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Nope. Your wife (at this point in name only, let's be honest) is a manipulative piece of excrement. She wanted space, wanted you out, and now two YEARS later, wants you back on finding out you've met someone? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Nope. 

Why the hell would you even consider this??? You need to find where you left your balls and spine and put them back in.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Two year test drive did not work out. Been there. Not as long but the other guy insulted her, said that there was no way he would ever have a relationship. She was told that the sex was ok, but she was not wife material. Well she used to be. Her BH said that when she went to the other guy all bets were off. He found life without her more peaceful. He enjoyed his life, and eventually someone new. He never let his ex back in.


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

Never, ever, ever, take back a woman who leaves you or a woman who cheats on you. 

Women only do these things when they think you suck and they find someone better.

When that doesn't work out they come crawling back.

Don't be someone's second choice!


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

In this woman’s case, taking her back would be like trying to stuff a turd back up your butt.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

You've been together 15yrs and she has a son that's 15 but isn't yours?

Hopefully your new girl isn't a carbon copy of your wife.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

spursy2022 said:


> Hi all,
> Back in April 2020 my wife asked for me space from our marriage of 5 years and relationship of 15 years in total. We lived together in a house and have a daugther that is now 4 and she has a son from a previous relationship who is now 15 and calls me Dad.
> 
> Following her decision to ask for space, i was distraught and i genuinely did not know how to handle the situation. I didnt want to loose my wife, my children and my home.
> ...


Sounds like she already had someone else in her life. You needed to go so she had more time to play with new guy without being caught. Where you messed up royally is if she wanted space...you should have said "There is the door!" She probably had some fun and she realized it is not gonna work long term so she needs a sucker to keep paying the bills.


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## BURNT KEP (Oct 3, 2012)

Never abandon the marital home that was mistake number one. And I guess you are paying all the bills that can be a huge problem. Just file now I get out as soon as possible.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

2 years and you’re still “married” to this creature? You left your own home?
You’re feeling guilty about your new Gf and are too naive to see that wanting space means test driving another man? You moved out, still paid her bills, and allowed her to tell you to “go make more money?

I could tally up the huge f ups you’ve been running up, but you seem intent on building a bigger pile. File for divorce and get divorced.
That should be first priority. Second should be learning to give your ex wife the finger every time you see her.

what a wretch.


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

oldshirt said:


> In this woman’s case, taking her back would be like trying to stuff a turd back up your butt.


My wife once said I pushed a turd back up in her. Hmmm.


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## truststone (8 mo ago)

Diceplayer said:


> Your wife thought that you would live out the rest of your days pining for her and working to provide for her. Once you got a girlfriend, your wife saw her plan falling apart so she then wants you back. She doesn't want you back, she just wants you to provide for her. She is a manipulative wench and she is using the guilt trip to keep you where she wants you.
> 
> As far as the girlfriend goes, your former relationship with your wife was already over before you began the relationship with the girlfriend. Just because the divorce has not gone through yet is just a technicality. You have nothing to feel guilty about. Make sure your daughter is taken care of, go stone cold on the wife, and enjoy your new life with the new girl.


exactly!!!


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## truststone (8 mo ago)

Affaircare said:


> If I may be of service here, I don’t believe @farsidejunky is telling OP not to move on, but rather to do so in strength rather than weakness.
> 
> A strong man would have said, “You want space, YOU move out. This is the marital, family home that I’ve provided and if you don’t want to be part of the family, I won’t stop you.” Or “You wanted space and part of space means I don’t pay your bills anymore.” Or at least decided that she made a promise to him for life, she wants to break that promise, he loves himself more than to allow a life partner ti treat him like that, and he’ll give her all the breathing room in the world! Then gone off and filed for his own dignity. That’s acting from strength.
> 
> ...


you nailed this !!! SO please dont go back under any circumstances remeber what she said how she acted !! you have a life dont hrough it away for someone who clearly doesnt love you only loves that she can control you ,and i know you know this ?? just curious why you are even thinking about going back ???


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## truststone (8 mo ago)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> OP, do you know what "I need some space" REALLY means?
> 
> For a lot of people, it means they're involved with someone *else* and want some time away from their spouse to test drive the new model they're contemplating trading their current model in for. And that's likely what your nasty wife was doing.
> 
> Why on earth would you even CONSIDER taking back this piece of genetic waste?


Exactly !!! please read and listen to this OP


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## blessed18 (Jun 4, 2018)

I agree with those that stated that she is a manipulative person! She said she didn't love you anymore, couldn't stand living or being around you, and told you to get out, but still wanted you to take care of the household ya'll once share! I think you feel guilty because of the children, not so much regarding her! You loved her and all that you'll have gone through! You were really hurt for her to not talk to you about how she was feeling but then to just go to the extreme one day and kick you out. Something else has been going on with her for her to just up and do that! Now as soon as you tell her that you found someone else, now she's interested. If I read right, you kept checking on her to see if she wanted to go to counseling, and she said no. She wants you miserable but still wants you to take care of her. I would not pass go or collect $200. ASAP, I would file divorce papers. It's only so much one can do, it takes 2. She can't want you back after your into someone else but when you were by yourself, she didn't care! I wish you all the best and hope to hear an update later on what happens next


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

thunderchad said:


> If your woman says she wants space you show her the door. You don't pack yourself up and leave.


Yes.
She moves out. 

Unless, your moving out is the only way of not seeing her.

The lawyers and courts will settle out the division of assets, and children's issues.


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