# URGENT: emotional abusive situation has reached a breaking point, what do I do now?



## Jasminka (May 4, 2017)

Hi,

I've been a silent reader for years, I posted for the first time 10 months ago, and since I can't link to my thread (not enough posts), I'll write a short summary:

I am 30, husband 35, 2 kids - 2Y and 5Y. I was trying to figure out if my husband has an OCD for cleanliness& order or if I'm the terrible wife he claims I am for not maintaining the house the way he thinks should be maintained. I've had to endure his tantrums, moods, yelling, punching walls, multiple divorce threats including when pregnant, blaming me for everything that goes wrong and saying I am a terrible, extremely messy wife (I went to college while having 2 kids, working and preparing for immigration, of course I can't maintain things to his perfection (we have hired help but still small things may slip). 
All of you said he's been extremely emotionally abusive and that I should leave him ASAP. All of these years, I thought I was losing my mind, and for the first time I've realized he was abusing me. 

A month or so after that thread I posted an update, where I realized I made him be this angry, because I was extremely sloppy: leaving the counter top messy, dirt in the sink, forgetting diapers, etc. Then I was told on the forum that my husband probably really loves me if he put up with this for so long. BUT, that post was written after his angry outburst and brain washing,it wasn't that bad as I wrote it on the forum - yes, once in a couple of days there would be too many dishes in the sink, or I would forget a diaper, or I would be absolutely exhausted and would want to rest when kids rest and not do endless picking up. Again, this was when I was extremely overwhelmed with work, immigration kids and school, and I slept maybe 6 hours at night the most, sometimes even 4 hours a night. 


I disappeared and stopped updating my thread because my husband caught my forum visits (thankfully not my thread) and convinced me to stay away "from people who wallow in each other's misery, and from getting stupid ideas into my mind from the forum" . I was trying my best for a while, but occasionally small things would slip and he would get tantrums and give me the silent treatments for days, yet wouldn't hold himself to the same crazy standards (he is ex army commander). I was so emotionally damaged and psychologically manipulated that I'ved stopped enjoying life, got bored from doing things I used to love, stopped enjoying spending time with my kids, thought I'm ruining his life and even thought the world would be a better place without me. 

A few days ago I was recommended a book - MODERATORS - Please delete the title if I don't have enough post counts - "Men who hate women and the women who love them" , about Misogynist men. This is the most accurate description of my life with him: psychological abuse , rewriting history, gaslighting, blaming me for everything, myself turning into a pretzel for him, etc. He ticked 12 out of 20 behaviors that describe the Misogynist man, while according to the author 10 signs or more- is the definition of a Misogynist man. All of the background history (his and my childhood) matched perfectly. I couldn't describe my life with him better even if I wanted to. I also realized I match nearly all of the signs of a depression. Continuing in the next post.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Who knows if he hates women or not. Whatever it is he is abusing you. Maybe you are a slob I don't know, what I do know is that -



> tantrums, moods, yelling, punching walls, multiple divorce threats including when pregnant, blaming me for everything that goes wrong and saying I am a terrible, extremely messy wife


is a clear pattern of abuse. Lots of people live with spouses who don't pick up after themselves, they don't punch walls. You shouldn't live like this even if you are a hoarder, no spouse should live in fear of their partner. That is just it, not much more to say to that.


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## purplesunsets (Feb 26, 2018)

I'm so very sorry to hear you are being treated like this. NO ONE deserves that kind of treatment. To be honest, there are so many red flags in what you've said that I would even suggest you go to a shelter with your children or try to find a safe place to go. It sounds like he could become physically abusive if you push him over the edge (let's say if you mention separating or something, which I personally recommend but it's your life)! 

That just sounds so sad. You must be miserable and in constant fear. That's not what a marriage is supposed to be like. I'm so sorry .


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## Jasminka (May 4, 2017)

continuing - 
Also, thanks to the book - I realized there were many red flags even before we moved in together, which had nothing to do with my cleaning or organization, but I was too young to understand them. He started with those s**t test and break up ultimatums from shortly after we met, each time testing how high I'd jump and humiliate myself. 

For the first time in so many years, over the past week I stopped apologizing all the time, started reading the book and decided to follow the plan, but I'm only half way through. I started working on my exit strategy, which would take at least 6 months, possibly more (because currently I work for his company :-( this was such a stupid idea) and we have a home to sell for a substantial loss, and large mortgage fines. I started thinking about the details and decided to consult with a lawyer. I figured I'd continue with the status quo, but this time without humiliating myself, until I get things organized and can confront him, and if he is not willing for counselling and for drastic changes- to leave him. Our situation is complicated because he is a business owner and can easily play with his finances (e.g. send money to his partner, leave in investments, etc. ) I need at least 6 months to work on finance, local certification and get a new job. 

A couple of hours ago things have escalated - after several days of silent treatment because of "me not being able to manage the house to normal standards and not showing love and appreciation for him for a while " , and me not apologizing like my usual self - basically I got out of the house for a planned workout (but I'm writing this post in a cafe instead) he sent me a cold email saying I've ruined our relationship, I don't appreciate him , I don't love him, I take everything for granted and that despite him trying to tolerate my behavior, I've ruined everything for us, and that we longer have a relationship, hat he doesn't see what else he can do, after so many attempts to fix me, only to live as roommates for the kids, but if I don't want to - he can leave. 

>>>> I have several questions: 
1. So, what do I do now? I can't afford to live on my own for at least another 6 months, I doubt I'll get any child support, we are tied in mortgage, have 2 small kids and are practically alone here. I don't have a family we can move in with. I was planning to confront him using the plan on this book, but I haven't finished it yet and will be able to do it only in a day or two . Do I confront him one last time for his emotional abuse? Do we keep living like roommates? Do I start the 180 plan? How do I keep my sanity in this situation? 

2. How do I keep my forum posting and lawyer research private- other than incognito window? How can I tell if I suddenly have keylogger or screen capturing software installed? 

3. Not sure if this is allowed by forum rules, if not - please ignore it -does anyone know reliable family lawyers who offer a free initial consultation in Canada - inToronto or GTA area? Or, any other recommended organizations or resources for Toronto/ GTA area? Please PM if yes. 

4. What do I do in daily life now until I can move? Treat each other coldly and politely like roommates ? I'm sure he will ignore me and will expect me to beg and apologize again like I've always done.

Thank you so much!!!


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## Cromer (Nov 25, 2016)

I remember something from my childhood that haunts me to this day, and I was only 7 years old at the time. My sister was 6. It's strange how some things are so seared into your brain from such a young age. Many years later I asked my mother about what happened, and she filled in the details. That's when what I remembered made sense.

My 2d stepfather was an alcoholic, and I even remember him drinking and telling my sister and me not to say anything. At the time, my mother worked part-time, he worked full time, and a neighbor watched us during the day. One night, he comes home drunk. My mother had dinner on the table, but it had been there for 3 hours and was cold. He went into a rage and started throwing things. He then started hitting my mother. I remember being under the table with my sister and hearing, but not seeing, everything going on. After a few minutes, my mother picked up a picture and hit him with it. I remember the sound and the glass on the floor and blood everywhere. The police came and took him away. My mother packed us up in the car at midnight and we drove hours to my grandmother's house. She went back to him and it wasn't long before there was another incident, where my mother went to a bar and caught him with another woman. He came home and nearly beat her to death. Thank God a neighbor called the police. I remember seeing her in the hospital and it was horrible.

What you do here is important. Do you want your kids to carry these kinds of memories for the rest of their lives? For me, my dysfunctional family upbringing made me more determined than ever to be the best husband and father that I could be. I wanted to build a family and life that I never had and could be proud of when someone mentioned my name (unfortunately it didn't work out, but I tried my best). But that's not usual for kids who witness their mother getting abused. In fact, just the opposite. Just something to think about and when you consider your next decision(s).


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## Jasminka (May 4, 2017)

purplesunsets said:


> I'm so very sorry to hear you are being treated like this. NO ONE deserves that kind of treatment. To be honest, there are so many red flags in what you've said that I would even suggest you go to a shelter with your children or try to find a safe place to go. It sounds like he could become physically abusive if you push him over the edge (let's say if you mention separating or something, which I personally recommend but it's your life)!
> 
> That just sounds so sad. You must be miserable and in constant fear. That's not what a marriage is supposed to be like. I'm so sorry .



Thank you. I am in fear, I constantly walk on eggshells and try not to avoid him. You've raised an important point I forgot about. I do feel nervous for my safety when officially announcing I'd leave him. He is 5'9'' , I am 5'1 , he is all muscles and combat fighting specialist. There was an instance years ago that I thought he was the one who broke our cat's thigh, though he claimed he got stuck between shelf. He never showed any signs of violence to me, but there was definitely wall and door punching and yelling.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Jasminka said:


> continuing -
> Also, thanks to the book - I realized there were many red flags even before we moved in together, which had nothing to do with my cleaning or organization, but I was too young to understand them. He started with those s**t test and break up ultimatums from shortly after we met, each time testing how high I'd jump and humiliate myself.
> 
> For the first time in so many years, over the past week I stopped apologizing all the time, started reading the book and decided to follow the plan, but I'm only half way through. I started working on my exit strategy, which would take at least 6 months, possibly more (because currently I work for his company :-( this was such a stupid idea) and we have a home to sell for a substantial loss, and large mortgage fines. I started thinking about the details and decided to consult with a lawyer. I figured I'd continue with the status quo, but this time without humiliating myself, until I get things organized and can confront him, and if he is not willing for counselling and for drastic changes- to leave him. Our situation is complicated because he is a business owner and can easily play with his finances (e.g. send money to his partner, leave in investments, etc. ) I need at least 6 months to work on finance, local certification and get a new job.
> ...


Where are you located? You don't have to be specific if you don't feel comfortable saying but just generally?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Here is another book that will help you:


*Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men*


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Here, to help with your exit plan.................


There are links to two safety/exit plan info sites.....

http://www.ncdsv.org/images/DV_Safety_Plan.pdf

Safety Planning ? Domestic Violence Resource Center

Below is a safety exist plan that I put together. You can look through all this and take what makes sense for you and make your own plan.....

Call 911 and they will help you get away.

* The National Domestic Violence Hotline | 24/7 Confidential Support*
If you are afraid your internet usage might be monitored call the national domestic violence hotline at 1 800 799 7233.

========================================

It is very hard to leave a marriage. Boy do I know that from experience. There is a way to make it easier… having a plan and having a strong support system. Just work your plan one step at a time. That way you are not look at a huge problem. Instead you are looking at small steps. 

If you search on the internet for "domestic abuse exit plan" or "domestic abuse safety plan" a lot will come up that you can look over. The one below is one that I added some things to base on my own experience.

*Get a support system: *



Find a local organization that provides counseling and help for victims of domestic abuse (emotional and physical). Get into counseling with them. They will have sliding scale counseling.


Also check into legal aid in your area.



Talk to attorneys and do research on the internet to find out your rights in divorce. Check on sites like Amazon for books about divorce in your state. Be informed. Check out legal aid in your area. Ask the domestic abuse organization if they have a list of attorneys who do pro-bono work or very low fee work and how specialize in cases of divorce with domestic abuse. Most will have such a list. Many attorneys will give a half hour free consultation. If you have a good list of questions, you can learn about your rights and how the local court system handles specific issues. You might even find an attorney that you really like.


Let a trusted family member, friend, coworker or neighbors know your situation. Develop a plan for when you need help; code words you can text if in trouble, a visual signal like a porch light: on equals no danger, off equals trouble. 
If you do not have friends of your own, start making them. Even if you don’t share your situation with them, just having a social outlet for you and even your children will help. One way to meet people is to go to www.meetup.com Search for meetup groups in your area. In most areas they have a lot of things to choose from. You just sign up and go.


*Set up a ‘safe address’ and ‘safe storage space’. *



If you have a trusted friend/family-member, ask them if you can use their address for some things and if you can store some things at their place… like a box of important papers. If you do not have someone who will help you out in this way, rent a PO Box and a small storage space. Use the ‘safe addresses for your mail. Use the ‘safe storage space’ to keep important things you will need like:


your mail from the ‘safe address’


All account info and ATM card for your personal checking account


Copies of all financial paperwork, filed tax forms, etc.


Certified copies of birth certificates, marriage license, passports, 


Car title, social security cards, credit cards, 


Citizenship documents (such as your passport, green card, etc.) 


Titles, deeds and other property information 


Medical records


Children's school and immunization records


Insurance information


Verification of social security numbers Make sure you know your husband’s Social Security Number and your son’s. 


Welfare identification


Valued pictures, jewelry or personal possessions
​*Financial Plan*


Consider getting a job as soon as you can if you do not already have one. This will give you access to money and independence.


*Your safety Plan: *

You need a safety plan just in case you need to leave immediately if things get out of hand. 



Know the phone number to your local battered women's shelter. 


Keep your cell phone on you at all times for dialing 911. It’s best to dial 911. You need to establish a record of his abuse. So call 911 and start creating that record. If you think that it is not safe for you to leave, ask the 911 operator to send the police so that they can ensure your and your child’s safety when you leave.


If you are injured, go to a doctor or an emergency room and report what happened to you. Ask that they document your visit. 


Keep a journal of all violent incidences, noting dates, events and threats made. 


Keep any evidence of physical abuse, such as pictures. 


You can get a VAR (voice activated recorder) and keep it on you at all times when you are around your husband. This way you can get recordings of the abuse. 


Plan with your children and identify a safe place for them. Reassure them that their job is to stay safe, not to protect you.


If you need to sneak away, be prepared. Make a plan for how and where you will escape. 


Back your car into the driveway, and keep it fueled. Keep your driver's door unlocked and other doors locked for a quick escape. 


Hide an extra set of car keys. 


Set money aside. Open a checking account in your name only and put your paycheck (or a portion of it) in that account. Do not use the address of the home you live in with him for this checking account. Use your ”safe address” to the account and keep all of the paperwork related to the account in your “safe storage space”. 


Pack a bag. Include an extra set of keys, IDs, car title, birth certificates, social security cards, credit cards, marriage license, clothes for yourself and your children, shoes, medications, banking information, money" anything that is important to you. Store them at a trusted friend or neighbor's house. Try to avoid using the homes of next-door neighbors, close family members and mutual friends. 


Take important phone numbers of friends, relatives, doctors, schools, etc. 


Know abuser's schedule and safe times to leave. 


Be careful when reaching out for help via Internet or telephone. Erase your Internet browsing history, websites visited for resources, e-mails sent to friends/family asking for help. If you called for help, dial another number immediately after in case abuser hits redial. 


Create a false trail. Call motels, real estate agencies and schools in a town at least six hours away from where you plan to relocate.

*After Leaving the Abusive Relationship*



 *If you get a restraining order, and the offender is leaving the family home: *


Change your locks and phone number. 


Change your work hours and route taken to work. 


Change the route taken to transport children to school. 


Keep a certified copy of your restraining order with you at all times. 


Inform friends, neighbors and employers that you have a restraining order in effect. 


Give copies of the restraining order to employers, neighbors and schools along with a picture of the offender. 


Call law enforcement to enforce the order. 

​


 *If you leave the family home: *



Do not leave your children with your abusive spouse/partner. Take them with you. Talk to your attorney and/or the abuse organization counselors to make sure you do this in a way that will not jeopardize your future custody rights. You don’t want to look like you are kidnapping your children.


Consider renting a post office box or using the address of a friend for your mail. Be aware that addresses are on restraining orders and police reports. Be careful to whom you give your new address and phone number. 


Change your work hours, if possible. 


Alert school authorities of the situation. 


Consider changing your children's schools. 


Reschedule appointments if the offender is aware of them. 


Use different stores and frequent different social spots. 


Alert neighbors, and request that they call the police if they feel you may be in danger. 


Talk to trusted people about the violence. 


Replace wooden doors with steel or metal doors. Install security systems if possible. Install a motion sensitive lighting system. 


Tell people you work with about the situation and have your calls screened by one receptionist if possible. 


Tell people who take care of your children who can pick up your children. Explain your situation to them and provide them with a copy of the restraining order. 


Call the telephone company to request caller ID. Ask that your phone number be blocked so that if you call anyone, neither your partner nor anyone else will be able to get your new, unlisted phone number.

​ 
Here are some ways you can find out things about your finances and some about how you can start saving money in your own name. I’m not putting them on the open forum because I don’t want to tip off people who are abusers.

Some of this might sound crazy. But you are completely in the dark and these are ways that people I know, even I, got the info we needed so that our spouse could not rip us off in a divorce.

Check his wallet and get photographs of any cards and other info that he has in there to include his driver’s license. Make sure to save them somewhere that he cannot get to, like on the cloud.

If he has a brief case do the same thing to it. Do you have a scanner at home? If not get one. I have a small portable that’s easy to use. That’s all you need. Just scan everything in his briefcase into pdf or jpgs. And again keep that info in a cloud account.

If you do use a cloud account, make sure that it does not create an account on your PC that he could see. There is a way to prevent that.

Does he have a home office or a place at home where he works sometimes? If so search it (often). Check the trash.. (I found out all kinds of stuff about my husband by searching his trash. Like I found letters from his affair partner. That’s how I found out about one of his affairs. I also found receipts and statements showing that he was moving money that I earned into accounts and investments in his and his mother’s name. 

Another thing that you might want to try is to go through the trash from his business if you can get to it. Just snatch the bags of trash out of the trash bin into your car, take them some place where he will not see you go through it and search. I kid you not, you can find stuff.

Get a key to his car. Make one if you need to. Then search it often. Search every cranny. Again I found all kinds of info that way. My then husband was hiding papers in the well where the spare tire and tools go. When he traveled, I drove to the airport, found his car in long-term parking and searched it. He was using his car to hide things while he traveled.

Get online and order his credit report. It could lead to all kinds of info on accounts he has.

Search the court records for any law suits. If he has a business, it might have been sued and he might have had to disclose financial info. Here where I live there is a website for the state of New Mexico where we can search on a person’s name to find all court cases of any kind… to include if they were sued, arrested and charged, divorced, etc. I’m sure that New York has something similar.
Make sure that you take an inventory of everything of value in your home. Take photos of everything. And do a walking inventory through the house. That way he cannot hide or dispose of things of value during a divorce.
=========================================
Now about money

Then open bank accounts in your name only. Use an address other than your home address. Also do electronic statements, etc. so that there is no paperwork for him to find. You can open a bank account with as little as $25.

If at all possible, every time you go to a store, get out cash. Even if it’s $10. I know a woman who did this. She’d get out between $40 and $60 with every purchase. It added up… to thousands over a few year period. Make sure that you throw away the receipts before you get home or keep them where he cannot find them. Do not put them in your home trash.

Go through your house and sell anything that you can. Just tell him that you are wanting to simplify your life and declutter. List things on craigslist and sell it. Put the money in your bank account.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

@EleGirl, I was hoping you would post your exit plan. OP I cannot even begin to imagine what it is like to live in fear of forgetting a diaper. Ele's advice is solid. Use it. My thoughts go with you.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

He broke your cat's thigh (even though he claims otherwise). He punches walls, it'll be you next, I'm sorry to say. Then your kids.

I lived with this type of behavior for 12 long years. I got help from my local YWCA. They have a superlative battered women's task force. Anything like that in your area?

I'm glad you want to get out. It will not get better, only worse. DO NOT confront him or tell him you're leaving. Follow the exit plan @EleGirl posted. 

Please be safe.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Yes. The thing that needs to be foremost in your mind is your children's physical safety and your own. 

Nothing else. Not mortgages, not what is mentally wrong with him. 

Talk to some sort of women's domestic violence support organisation. They are familiar with this kind of situation.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

If you're concerned he may hide money to avoid paying alimony or child support did the lawyer you spoke with recommend hiring a forensic accountant? If not, interview new lawyers and consider a forensic accountant if he tries anything shady. It's my understanding that, if you are forced to hire a forensic accountant due to him hiding money, you can request the court order your stbx pays the fees.


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## purplesunsets (Feb 26, 2018)

If you're in Toronto, there are quite a few really great Women's Shelters. I obviously can't say where they are but you can find them. I suggest looking for them on a public library. Don't use your phone or computer, just in case. That is supposed to be your safe place and if there is any trace, you'll continue to be in fear even if you are in a shelter.

I'm not an expert by any means but I have had a friend in a similar situation. The main thing is to recognize is that your children and you are in danger, even if he hasn't physically hit you yet. The chances of him "losing his mind" are very, very high given the information you've told us.

I'm so sorry. This is so unsettling to read, I can't imagine living it. Be safe and keep talking to us . We're here for you!


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## Jasminka (May 4, 2017)

Thank you so much for the detailed replies! 

I thought I had several months to work on my exit plan while trying to pretend things are normal (as in trying to do everything I can not to annoy him), but things have escalated so quickly over the past days, and I can't get back to my apologetic self which surprises and ticks him off even more. 

Though, I don't think he will get physically violent. I don't know if it is related, but he imitates his mother (she is the crazy one in the relationship with her husband), and no physical confrontations that I know of. 

I will consult with a laywer asap, haven't done it yet because I thought I have time, will open my bank account and transfer half of the money. Do you think this is crucial at this stage or can be done later before the official separation? If I do it now and he finds out he may stop paying for expenses or stop my work at his and his partners' company. I don't know if he will play with finances but he certainly can if he wants to and he can be revengful...

I don't think I need a battered women's shelter and I don't want to separate him from the children- I grew up without a father and have never imagined this for my children as well, though instinctively I started carrying the phone with me wherever I go at home. 

This time he was the one to send an email yesterday, saying our relationship is dead, that I caused it to be dead despite him giving me so many opportunities - and that he suggests he stays at home but we break up as a couple, or if I prefer he can leave. This is humiliatimg to admit, but I need him for finances now. 

I haven't replied and he texted me today saying if I saw the email and to decide what is better for me lol. A part of me thinks this is another of his attempts to get me apologizing and asking for another opportunity, but maybe he is resolved on breaking up too, which would make my life easier. I'm deliberating between responding with the real reason for this breakup, and telling him what I really think about him and that I stopped loving him , and between just saying : yes you are right, this relationship is dead , and let's continue as roomates with minimal contact until we sort the finances.


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## Jasminka (May 4, 2017)

Yes I am from Greater Toronto Area. I don't know if he broke my cat's thigh, but I suspected he did for years and still do. The thing that I'm afraid of the most is him getting no contact with our children to get revenge at me, I wouldn't be surprised at all if it happens. I grew up without a father and have never imagined in a million years that I would face a similar situation. 

I also know that everyone will be shocked - he looks so nice and romantic on the outside, people kept telling me how lucky I am. A week ago I confided with my aunt, whom I've very close to, and for the first time I told her everything. She was absolutely astounded and told me I need to sort money aside and talk to a lawyer ASAP. What shocked me the most is when she told me that my late mother kept telling her she thinks I am afraid of my husband. I absolutely didn't expect this because I portrayed a happy picture to the outside world and never told my mom anything... And my aunt thought my husband is a wonderful man, and thought my mom was imagining things. My aunt is in overseas though so I can't stay with her. I am relatively new in Canada, have some friends here but their husbands are friends with my husband so I can't tell them in case it gets out. I do have family here, I can tell them and I'm sure they will stand beside me and do everything to help - but the odds of it getting out and somehow reaching my husband are possible.


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## xMadame (Sep 1, 2016)

Not read everything, but I will tell you that if CAS finds out the bull**** that he has been pulling, you will have them so far up into your life as they can be.

Leave, go into the shelter, they will help you find a new home for you and your kids and help you deal with the legalities.




Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

Jasminka said:


> I thought I had several months to work on my exit plan while trying to pretend things are normal (as in trying to do everything I can not to annoy him), but things have escalated so quickly over the past days, and I can't get back to my apologetic self which surprises and ticks him off even more.


Forget somebody telling you to make an exit plan. You need to get out NOW. Speak with a domestic violence shelter in your area for them to approve your arrival. I'm posting a resource for you there in the Toronto area. Gather important papers and documents, pack a few changes of clothes and absolute necessities for you and the kids, leave, and go to the bank to transfer half the money into your own account. 

Women?s Shelter and Support | 211Toronto.ca

Domestic violence shelters give priority to women who are in imminent danger or are afraid they may be in imminent danger. To increase your chances of getting in, you cannot tell them "I don't think he will get physically violent." You have to tell them you are in fear that he will become violent because he threatened you or shoved you or told you that you better not leave him, or something like that. Tell them how he has been violent presenting by punching walls and all that stuff, but don't tell them you don't think he will ever hit you because you are wrong about that. He WILL hit you, and he's gearing up for it because you are not the little mouse you used to be. He knows he is losing his ability to control and scare you, and that is when they become violent. So to prevent that, you have to get out now.



Jasminka said:


> I will consult with a laywer asap, haven't done it yet because I thought I have time, will open my bank account and transfer half of the money. Do you think this is crucial at this stage or can be done later before the official separation? If I do it now and he finds out he may stop paying for expenses or stop my work at his and his partners' company. I don't know if he will play with finances but he certainly can if he wants to and he can be revengful...


Stop worrying about all of that and get out right now. Transfer funds after you leave. Talk with a lawyer after you get settle in a shelter.



Jasminka said:


> I don't think I need a battered women's shelter and I don't want to separate him from the children- I grew up without a father and have never imagined this for my children as well, though instinctively I started carrying the phone with me wherever I go at home.


In your initial post and here again, you make all kinds of excuses not to leave him. Stop doing that to yourself. You have to leave this man and don't have any choice about it. Having to separate your kids from their father is already a foregone conclusion. He will get visitation in the divorce.



Jasminka said:


> This time he was the one to send an email yesterday, saying our relationship is dead, that I caused it to be dead despite him giving me so many opportunities - and that he suggests he stays at home but we break up as a couple, or if I prefer he can leave. This is humiliatimg to admit, but I need him for finances now.
> 
> I haven't replied and he texted me today saying if I saw the email and to decide what is better for me lol. A part of me thinks this is another of his attempts to get me apologizing and asking for another opportunity, but maybe he is resolved on breaking up too, which would make my life easier. I'm deliberating between responding with the real reason for this breakup, and telling him what I really think about him and that I stopped loving him , and between just saying : yes you are right, this relationship is dead , and let's continue as roomates with minimal contact until we sort the finances.


You are going to have to start thinking independently. Stop thinking you need him because you don't. It's just convenient. When you go to a shelter, they will provide everything you need. When you find a new job, they will help with gas money so you can get back and forth to work. They also have resources to help you get housing. You can find out everything they offer when you call them.

He is not resolved on breaking up. He's just trying to provoke you to give him reason to harm you. Do not respond to his email. Pack your things while he is at work and leave. You want to get things off your chest and tell him how you feel and what you think, but you will only place yourself in danger.


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