# Never thought it would happen



## hystyk_02 (Dec 16, 2014)

So I am like most everyone else who thought that their wife would never cheat on them. I am 33 and my wife is 35 and we have been married for 6 years and we have two beautiful girls 5 and soon to be 2. 

At some point in our marriage we started turning into room mates, we weren't meeting each others love language and we started to go to couples and individual counseling because we knew our marriage was not right. My wife had a break down 6 months ago and became depressed and empty and I did everything I could to build her back up, but I was not getting anything back in return. 

I work offshore and I am home for 28 days and I away at work for 28 days, never messed around nor even talked to another woman. D-Day was 6 days ago, her dad and step mom took the girls for two days and she said she was going to get stuff done getting ready for Christmas. Well I called her that morning and I could tell something was wrong and she told me. The night before, she wanted to get out of the house and she chose to go to a bar in out town. She started drinking and evidently some OM started chatting her up and she liked the excitement of it and then she ended up in his truck with him doing his thing. There was no intimacy, but there was excitement, but after it was over, she was beside herself and is so pitiful saying she screwed up and she never meant to hurt me and that she wants to stay married and that she cant believe she would put our kids through what she went through. I am away at work and I cant make it home for another week and I am beside myself because I am God fearing man and I want to forgive her and reconcile, but I am hurting so bad and I feel betrayed and I'm doing the best I can just to not curl up in a ball and lie on the floor and cry. We have been talking and I still love her and have feelings for her, I just cant get past the hurt and I don't know if I can be with someone who betrayed our marriage. I know our marriage was not perfect and I know the part I played in that, but instead of having sex with OM, she could have cried out differently. Her counselor strongly believes she is bi-polar and she is scheduled for an examination in the next few weeks. She already went to the personal Doctor because she is suffering from bulimia again and she is scheduled to get STD tested tomorrow. She has even agree to a Post Nuptial when I get home in case this happens again. She says she wants to reconcile and not give up on us, but she is saying she is so messed up inside it's hard for her and I will admit she does have alot of baggage.

I am just beside myself what to do and if I should even believe her because I hurt so much and she has ripped my heart and soul from me. I am trying to rely on God and my faith and I feel myself slipping everyday. So I am reaching out to here for help until I can get home and see my own counselor.


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## HarryDoyle (Jan 19, 2013)

First of all don't make any decision until you get home and talk face to face, AND you let your emotions calm down. It might seem like the end of the world right now but it's not, no matter what you decide to do. There are a LOT of us here who have been through what your going through, some of us reconciled, some of us haven't, I'm sure you'll hear from both. I decided to reconcile for a lot of different reasons and is been over two years and I'm glad I did, I just wouldn't do it again. So read all the advice and pick out what sounds best for you. Life WILL go on. Sorry your here.



/And if your a Godly man like you said, then pray. It got me through places I never thought I'd get through.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

When my old lady was was going to bars alone to pick up guys she found it addicting. The danger, excitement, and the attention was very addicting..

I hope your wife has a healthy support system that can watch out for her until you get home.

The point here is you need to expose this so the folks that love her and care about her and the marriage can help her stay away from this very unhealthy choice she made and could make again.


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## hystyk_02 (Dec 16, 2014)

Appreciate the advice, just having a hard time functioning these last few days and right before Christmas as well...All I can do is pray


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Don't expect God to magically fix things. Not on your time table, or his. He doesn't fix things in general. 

One thing I notice, is besides the obvious pain and anger, is you refer to your faith several times in your post. 
Are you reluctant to divorce because of your faith? 
Don't be. 

If you decide to reconcile with your wife, it should be because you love her. Not because of your religion, or broken vows, or your kids, or because God. 

No one will think any less of you if you decide to divorce either. Your wife broke her vows. She doesn't deserve a second chance. She doesn't deserve anything. 

Decide what you want to give her.


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## hystyk_02 (Dec 16, 2014)

We have told our Church small group and she has admitted to what she did to them.....I definitely want to make sure she stops making unhealthy choices, my emotions are just all over the place


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It takes some time to recover from something like this.. 2-5 years. 

One thing that you can do until you can get home is to do some reading that will help you:

What Are Plan A and Plan B?

When to Call It Quits (Part 1)

“Surviving an Affair” by Dr. Harley
“His Needs, Her Needs” by Dr. Harley

You mentions a Post Nuptial. If you do this, it has to go both ways. It applies if either of you cheats. In over half of marriages where one spouse cheats, the other has a revenge affair.


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## hystyk_02 (Dec 16, 2014)

Thats the thing, I am so torn right now I don't know.....I am trying to cope, but I feel so isolated and alone. I know I need to figure out what is going to be best for me and I do love her, I am just so hurt


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## hystyk_02 (Dec 16, 2014)

I agree, it would be fair to protect either of us.Im trying to read all I can, just the coping with the thoughts and being so far from home isnt easy


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Can you go on line and check your wiife's cell phone usage? It would be important to check to see if she gave her number to this OM and they are not in contact.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

As of 15 minutes ago you are no longer alone!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

hystyk_02 said:


> Thats the thing, I am so torn right now I don't know.....I am trying to cope, but I feel so isolated and alone. I know I need to figure out what is going to be best for me and I do love her, I am just so hurt


We are here for you. Never forget that.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Get your wife to get tested for STDs.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

How long has she displayed the symptoms of being bipolar? 


And you clearly seem to hold God quite highly. So I assume you went to church every week, and pray every night. 
Is your wife as devout as you are? And was she when you met her?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I hope your small group of church folks and especially her dad and step mom now understand that baby sitting for your wife is out of the question.


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## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

You must inform her folks and yours to get them around her as if she isn't monitored closely anything could happen, bearing in mind she had a break down 6 month ago and she is looking after your 2 children

No decisions until face to face and get her to write down everything she remembers as telling you over the phone will drive you insane
You will want details later as most people do


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## jewels465 (Nov 20, 2014)

So sorry you are going through this.


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## hystyk_02 (Dec 16, 2014)

She says she didnt, my internet connection is above dial up out here which freaking sucks


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## hystyk_02 (Dec 16, 2014)

Everybody knows, I did a good job of that


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## hystyk_02 (Dec 16, 2014)

I hope so.....


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## hystyk_02 (Dec 16, 2014)

She was when we met and she was just as involved, if not more so then I. I am not a therapist, but I can see the bi-polar in her in small amounts for a long time now......Doesnt matter what she has in terms of material, love, etc etc, it is never enough for her


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Is the information you are getting coming from your wife or have others been able to verify the STD appointment and the ONS exposure to the church group?

I'm concerned she is telling you what you want to hear and relieve some guilt only to do it again.

Right now your wife doesn't feel she is worth anything, the damage is done, she is broken and weak....combine that with the feeling her brain chemical generated when she was with OM (addiction) she needs help and support until you get back home.


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## hystyk_02 (Dec 16, 2014)

Other friends have confirmed she has told them and she did get medicine today for her bulimia. Grandparents watch the girls and so they do tell me she at least dropped them off and I can see the co=pays in our account


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## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

the guy said:


> Is the information you are getting coming from your wife or have others been able to verify the STD appointment and the ONS exposure to the church group?
> 
> I'm concerned she is telling you what you want to hear and relieve some guilt only to do it again.
> 
> Right now your wife doesn't feel she is worth anything, the damage is done, she is broken and weak....combine that with the feeling her brain chemical generated when she was with OM (addiction) she needs help and support until you get back home.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## hystyk_02 (Dec 16, 2014)

Ijust cant stop thinking about it and analyzing it and thinking about it again and I am barely functioning at work to be honest.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Just so you know, it's kinda difficult to figure out what question you are responding to when we only get the answer. 

So you'll notice at the bottom of each posts, are three buttons. I know two are Quote, and Multi. 
Quote lets you puts someone's post in your own, so you can directly quote a question you are answering. 
Multi is like quote, just multiple. 

Might make your post a bit easier when we have the full context. 

Like so:



hystyk_02 said:


> She was when we met and she was just as involved, if not more so then I. I am not a therapist, but I can see the bi-polar in her in small amounts for a long time now......*Doesnt matter what she has in terms of material, love, etc etc, it is never enough for he*r


that bolded part, is what scares me. 
I work in a jewelry store, and see those kinds of women everyday. Nothing their husband gives them, or does for them, is ever good enough. 
Granted, I don't know what the marriage is like, but I imagine not very happy, and that the wife clearly wears the pants. 

Personally, after hearing that, I would tell you to run. 
If she never has enough, what stops her from trading you in? For example, a single doctor that starts going to church? Or someone else that is around more than you? Or makes more than you? 
DANGER ZONE!

And I would echo what the guy says. 
I worry any contact you have with her will lead to her manipulating you into getting what she wants. 
And I think you are a nice enough guy to fall into that trap.


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## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

hystyk_02 said:


> Ijust cant stop thinking about it and analyzing it and thinking about it again and I am barely functioning at work to be honest.


Tell your foreman as you may endanger others depending on your job offshore and you need people to talk to there


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Do you think you can catch the next bird out due to family emergency?


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Your wife goes to bars and had a one night stand. She definitely had sex and that is the reason she is scheduled for an STD test with her physician. Do not have sex with her when you return. She can kill you with aids virus if she contracted one. I had a former student who recently passed away because of aids given to her by her cheating husband. You have two children. Save yourself for your children.

Your wife is a train wreck. If she is bi-polar, you have a greater problem in your hands. There are people here in TAM who have dealt with or married to bi-polar spouses. It would be good to hear their advice.


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## hystyk_02 (Dec 16, 2014)

Broken at 20 said:


> Just so you know, it's kinda difficult to figure out what question you are responding to when we only get the answer.
> 
> So you'll notice at the bottom of each posts, are three buttons. I know two are Quote, and Multi.
> Quote lets you puts someone's post in your own, so you can directly quote a question you are answering.
> ...


Your right....but is it a chemical imbalance that's causing it because she had a rough life growing up, a lot of tragedy and pain. 

I just dont want to look back and say I should or should not have tried to make it work, but I know how much it hurts


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

hystyk_02 said:


> Everybody knows, I did a good job of that


:smthumbup:

You will get through this we all do.

You did the right thing by exposing. Now you will have to count on friends of the marriage to support the marriage until you get back.


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## hystyk_02 (Dec 16, 2014)

Roselyn said:


> Your wife goes to bars and had a one night stand. She definitely had sex and that is the reason she is scheduled for an STD test with her physician. Do not have sex with her when you return. She can kill you with aids virus if she contracted one. I had a former student who recently passed away because of aids given to her by her cheating husband. You have two children. Save yourself for your children.
> 
> Your wife is a train wreck. If she is bi-polar, you have a greater problem in your hands. There are people here in TAM who have dealt with or married to bi-polar spouses. It would be good to hear their advice.


I know, I told her she had to get tested even though she said the OM wore a condom. I m here to hear advice because I am a wreck right now


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## hystyk_02 (Dec 16, 2014)

G.J. said:


> Tell your foreman as you may endanger others depending on your job offshore and you need people to talk to there


I did, but we are sailing from South Korea to Singapore and not a lot of options to get off the rig. I wish there was.


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## hystyk_02 (Dec 16, 2014)

the guy said:


> :smthumbup:
> 
> You will get through this we all do.
> 
> You did the right thing by exposing. Now you will have to count on friends of the marriage to support the marriage until you get back.


We were having a argument because I was asking questions and evidently she is upset I told everyone. My response was that her actions caused it, not me, I am just looking out for my kids and myu sanity being so far away.


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## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

hystyk_02 said:


> I know, I told her she had to get tested even though she said the OM wore a condom. I m here to hear advice because I am a wreck right now


Its very rare condoms are used so be careful

Get her to write down all the details she can remember...ALL no matter how graphic as you will want to know more than likely.....BUT not to tell you over the phone please
It will save later..."I don't remember" blubber


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## hystyk_02 (Dec 16, 2014)

G.J. said:


> Its vey rare condoms are used so be careful


Thats what she said, but I cant confirm, nor can I trust her, hence why I told her to go get tested. I want nothing to do with her right now anyway.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

hystyk_02 said:


> I know, I told her she had to get tested even though she said the OM wore a condom. I m here to hear advice because I am a wreck right now


I seem to remember a bunch of seasoned posters on here saying most of the time, when cheaters have sex, they don't use protection. 
Why? 
Because they aren't thinking logically. They are drunk on hormones.

And I am not a seasoned poster here, at the wise old age of 22, but I am cynical enough to not believe what people tell me. 

Want advice?
Stop believing everything she tells you.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

With out consequences bad behavior continues....exposure is just one of many consequences she will need to face for you to heal.

And if she is really remorseful, she own her sh!t and except any and all consequences you hand out.

I would have never kept my old lady around if it wasn't for her huge degree of submission.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Are you sure she is not pregnant?

Let me rephrase that, because you obviously don't and can't know until you get home. 

You may want to have a plan of how to handle the situation should she be pregnant.


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## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

When are you due home next ?

Can your mum or dad stay round there to 'look after her' or her parents....it will help you to know some one's there watching and also in case she has another break down

On no account anyone to look after the kids while she goes out to 'clear her head' or with a friend to 'cheer her up' or xmas shopping etc
Think cell block H


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

G.J. said:


> Think cell block H


No it's cell block "A" for adultery.

My old lady spent some time in there, but now she is cheater parole.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

It's possible she's minimizing. Could have been more than an ONS. Cheaters are liars. Having her write down a detailed record of events is important. Think of the questions you have for her. Think and plan.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

You are off shore and can't get back for a week, but someone needs to throw this out there. She may be a regular at the bars while you are gone (read some of "The guy"'s threads and imagine if he was out of town 4 weeks at a crack instead of a just heavy sleeper). She may have been seen climbing in or out of this guys truck and feared you being tipped off. If that were the case, a crying confession makes strategic sense, don't you think?

Was this a truck stop?


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

OP

You are at crossroads in your life. The decisions you make in the next few months are going to be huge to say the least. I encourage you to not make any decisions at all. There is plenty of time for you to process what has happened and for you to experience the stages of grief. 

If your wife is bipolar, that's going to be huge strain on your relationship. She is now a cheater and I think you mentioned that nothing is ever good enough for her. These are *TOUGH* qualities to have in a spouse and still be happy. 

If you want to give it another try, have her sign a separation agreement heavily favored in your direction. Tell her you need this to recover. That way if it doesn't work out the separation agreement becomes the divorce agreement. 

Don't just jump back in and try to reconcile. She must experience consequences to the point where she will never do something like this again. She has to believe that you respect yourself or she will never respect you.

Remember.....Take your time and do not commit to anything.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Sorry, but I have to state it. The regularly scheduled long term travel issues are hurting your marriage IMHO. If possible, try to get a job locally so that you can be together with your family regularly. I understand that these jobs pay better than what you can get locally, but they also cost a lot for the family.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

If it were me, I would tell her the only reason that I didn't file for D the day after I found out about her cheating is I'm at sea. I'm still seriously considering D and it still could happen.

When I get home, if I find out ANYTHING that she has told me is not true not true, or that she's left ANYTHING out, D is my only option.

If after I decide to R, I see, or hear ANYTHING that I think is related to her having contact with another man, I will file D a.s.a.p..



Set the ground rules now while she's still reeling from what she has done.

If you do decide to R and a year from now you think that you see a red flag, you'll be glad you were so clear now on what would happen if you even perceive that she might be talking, texting, IM'ing, emailing, meeting a OM. And if she can't show that the contact was on the up and up, your only option is to send her packing.

I say this because it sounds like you're away from home for a good number of days. You know that you'll now be wondering about what she's doing when your not home. She needs to know what it'll cost her if she ever does anything like this again.

I know that this all sucks, but I do give her credit for telling you about it the next day. It tells me that though she screwed up BIG TIME, she has a working Conscience. Many spouses would have waited until you got home to tell you, or never said anything at all.

Unless she was afraid that somebody saw her in the parking lot, letting you know so soon after it happened makes me think that you can have a successful R with this woman. To me, this could be the saving grace.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

02,

We've seen a number of betrayed husbands on here that were dealing with a cheating wife with apparent mental issues.

I offer two pieces of advice in that regard.

1 - Not to minimize her mental state, but you can't let her hide behind that to avoid consequences, or to do the required heavy lifting to repair the marriage. She still must own what she did and demonstrate remorse. That's if you decide to R.

2 - If she does have serious mental issues that were a factor in her infidelity; consider this. In order to trust her not to cheat again, you will be relying on these mental issues to be "fixed". And that is anything but a given. It's very possible that they can't be. You don't have an obligation to be her KISA (knight in shining armor), especially after she broke her wedding vows. Cheating is still cheating.


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## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

GROUNDPOUNDER said:


> When I get home, if I find out ANYTHING that she has told me is not true , *or that she's left ANYTHING out, D is my only option.*
> 
> Unless she was afraid that somebody saw her in the parking lot, letting you know so soon after it happened makes me think that you can have a successful R with this woman. To me, this could be the saving grace.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

Ask her direct did she think some one saw her as you will get to know anyway - you'll know reason why she told you next day if that was the case


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

I agree that her admitting this to you is a plus on her side; assuming she didn't think she would get caught. A vast majority of WS's will only admit to what they think you already know.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

badmemory said:


> I agree that her admitting this to you is a plus on her side; assuming she didn't think she would get caught. A vast majority of WS's will only admit to what they think you already know.


Sounds like it. Like a friend found out or saw something suspicious causing her to take some action. she she has to admit something but probably not all. That way the friend will be satisfied and not step in.


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

var and keylogger get them now


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

wmn1 said:


> var and keylogger get them now


Or as soon as you're back on land.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

wmn1 said:


> var and keylogger get them now


The OP is at sea right now. Which makes me think.

I hope that he can keep his thoughts about his Wife to a minimum while on the job(on the deck?).

I got into a car accident when I was going through my little slice of hell back in the day. I can't imagine being on an ocean rig and having my attention dulled by mind movies and such.

I hope he's doing o.k..


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

drunken one night stand. i hope thats all it was. my wife was EA that ended with a drunken one night stand. 

so i guess you could call it PA, but fortunately for the both of us she was repentant. 

sounds like your wife is too. 


my only suggestion for right now is that you be completely honest with yourself on how you feel. even more so if you decide to R. which i think you may. you are already taking steps for a successful reconciliation. 

if something bothers you, be completely honest. if you need updates on who she is with, where she is throughout the day in order to not worry if she is running around, say it. 

if you need gritty details, say it. be honest with yourself. and her. you will find out if its worth your time to reconcile or not. 

and understand that the gut wrenching feeling that you are feeling right now is completely normal. and it will pass with time.


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