# How long will little things set me off



## WillS (Sep 1, 2011)

I've asked a couple of questions here before and have gotten some great help after my wife's admitted EA and possible PA. My problem now is that I'm finding myself being set off by things that really bother me unexpectedly. For example, after talking a couple of nights ago she admitted she'd had a very strong attraction to a man she worked with, both physical and emotional. She called it a crush but that seems young. She said he knew about it and that she felt rejected somehow when he chose another coworker, to who is is now married. But this is a man she sometimes invited over to our home to eat, including after he was with the other coworker his wife. Dinner parties, out to movies, all couple stuff. I always felt he was a jerk and talked down and now I feel like I know why. I felt like she shouldn't have had a man eating at my table who knew how she felt, and that she left me in the dark about it. This all happened years ago and I feel like I'm only now getting the information I could have used to be able to deal with the situation. Under normal circumstances it would be less of a big deal. Her argument is that she has protected me by not telling me about her attractions to other men like him. Has anyone else dealt with this kind of thing? Is it not a big deal, am I overreacting? Why do little things like this seem to really bother me and how do I approach this?


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## sam83 (Jul 23, 2011)

Willis I looked through ur older posts u didn't say how long u were married if there any children how did u find out about the affair how did u confront her did u expose the affair got NC and full transparency and why u choose to reconcile with her and what is the terms u put for this to work


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## WillS (Sep 1, 2011)

Thank you for replying. We've been married for 9 years, no children yet. She told me about the affair man by admitting he'd been hitting on her at her work. I confronted her when she'd mentioned him a lot in various stories. It was like getting a little information at a time over many discussions. Eventually she admitted he was a man who talked with her a lot about her and his relationships, but he also hit on her a lot. Over time she admitted she also wanted something physical with him but she has said nothing happened. Others at her work have said they were involved in something but not physical. She no longer works with him and he is in another city. There has been no phone or online contact because I checked that. I am arguing with her for full transparency but she says she is protecting me by not telling me anything. But in one of these arguments the other night she began to tell me of these other men she was into and also revealed that some of them had been guests in our home and such. These are men she worked with or in some cases friends of mine. She said there had been "many," but then there had been only two. But when I pushed her she told me about six. I am most bothered by the men she invited around, though much of that happened years ago. I hate that I was sitting at dinner across from men who knew my wife was into them and in the one case talking down to me by one man in particular who I mention above. I have reconciled with her only in that we are still together but we still argue all the time after a long time has passed. I don't know how the terms work but she has said she will be honest but she cannot be it seems. She has said she is a bad wife and that I deserve better. She says this because I do not really hit on other women, though I have looked at other women. I have been approached by other women and turned them down. I have also always told my wife, but she doesn't do the same for me. I have told her because I want her to know so she's also not in the dark like I always feel. I feel like I also prevent anybody from ever doing wrong by our marriage by telling her everything, but she won't do the same for me.


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## WillS (Sep 1, 2011)

I should also mention that I consider her to have been in an EA, but she refused this and says it was nothing. I am overreacting she says.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

I agree with you. She has disrespected you very badly. She clearly was getting some thrill about having him in your home in front of her husband. She seems to have no problem wanting to get sexually attracted to other men. I do not see how you could ever feel secure in your relationship with such an attitude.


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## sam83 (Jul 23, 2011)

man I'm really sorry but u don't play it well here 

I'm not a R guy myself but if u want to do it at least do it right as mentioned buy guys here over and over 

first she should send NC letter which u approve at and full transparency those re not options to argue about told her she violated ur trust and to gain it back she should work on it u need every password in her life not allowed with any secret e-mail or fb or secret mobile u state it clear if found any it's over 

expose the affair to ur family and hers as well 

i'm sorry man but this woman doesn't respect u at all and she sees u as doormat who will accept any sh*t from her and u should prove her wrong u can reed some articles from menclub house about 180 rules and manning up and of course u should read through shamwow post to see how he finally has control to his life by doing the right things 

u don't have children do u know how many guys wish they didn't so they can run as fast as they can I don't encouraging u to leave or something but show her what she could lose by exposure and stay in separate room and seek IC for yourself to help u through this 

man this ur time to man up and stand up for yourself and you'll really like the new you and sure will be proud with yourself and if R worked she'll know well who u really re and what u can do and she'll think a lot before do any stupid or being not respectful again 

I wish u luck friend


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## WillS (Sep 1, 2011)

My problem is that she doesn't see what she did as wrong. For her, it was a bad thing because she hid it but not bad in itself. She's sticking to the idea that he was after her but she handled it properly. I think this doesn't work because she says hiding it was bad, but then she says about all this other stuff with guys she was into that she hides it because she wants to protect me. I don't know what I should do about this if she never admits anything. What's my move now?

Also, I am still wanting to know if little discussions, comments and so on will continue to hurt so much because they remind me of the EA (if that's what it was, which I believe). Will these things keep setting me off or hurting so much?


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

sam83 said:


> man I'm really sorry but u don't play it well here
> 
> I'm not a R guy myself but if u want to do it at least do it right as mentioned buy guys here over and over
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

WillS said:


> I should also mention that I consider her to have been in an EA, but she refused this and says it was nothing. I am overreacting she says.


She is gaslighting you at best and still emotionally involved at worst.

Try His Needs Her Needs togther. Define the boundaries of both your actions.


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## WillS (Sep 1, 2011)

I guess I feel like I can't get anywhere with her. I say I want honesty and she says she has been or will be. But within the same conversation her story will change and change. She wanted "many" men, or just two, or six or ? I feel like there's no reason for it because I've told her I will forgive but all I need is truth, but she will not give it to me and I can't understand why. I've been just going crazy trying to find out where I stand, and when she laughs at me or tells me there were other men she had her eye on, I don't see what I can do to regain the respect I need.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

I don't mean to be harsh but why should she respect you? Clearly there are no consequences to her actions in getting involved in emotional affairs. She clearly takes a perverse pleasure in telling you that she is sexually attracted toward other men.

I truly believe that your wife enjoys doing this to you which is why she enjoyed having the guy she was hot for come over to your home time and again in from of you. It is a sick thrill.

I bet if the roles were reversed she would never put up with such disrespect from you. Why would you love a woman who continues to tell you that she is sexually attracted to other men? She is emasculating you and you sit and take it. She clearly disrespects you. If you do not respect yourself then who will? There is no reason for her to change her attitude because there are no consequences to her actions. She continues to lie to you and change her stories. Is this really how you want to spend the rest of your life?....having a wife that lusts after other men? Surely even you must believe that you do not deserve to constantly be humiliated this way time and again.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

One other thing. A woman who constantly sexually lusts after other men will eventually act on these desires if she has not already done so which I would not be surprised. It seems very easy for her to lie and manipulate you time and again.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

Until you get all the answers that you want and she quits fooling around with other men, you will not have any peace.
You deserve an honest answer to any and all questions.
You also deserve for her to be faithful and not lust after others, have an affair, or be vague.

She doesn't respect you and until you put your foot down, she won't.


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## WillS (Sep 1, 2011)

I understand what you guys are saying. I think that she does those things but in fact doesn't want me to know about it. I think that's where the whole idea of protecting me comes in. I really had to pry those answers out of her. When she tells me things without prompting from me it's often out of the blue, like she says it kind of vaguely or without realizing how it would affect me. That is what I felt like when she told me her big crush was the guy who came to our house with his wife and was rude and talked down to me. That was in something like 2005, that's how long ago it was. 

What makes me mad now is that I was the only one at the table in my house not in the know. She and her coworker kind of rivaled for him and the other woman won. I have to admit that her whole infatuation with him began when we were in our first year of marriage, and I was not a good husband. I was in the midst of depression and was really checked out. So I guess I can get why she looked to him. But I don't know why I just found out a few days ago after he and his now wife had been guests in our home. 

But my problem might be deeper than you guys suggest in that I can't be sure she's actually torturing me. What I mean is though that would be bad enough, I actually think she genuinely gazes after these other men and truly doesn't want to hurt me. With my financial problems I couldn't blame her, I've been a good friend and husband in some ways, but I've really not been the go-get-em kind of man she wants or expects.

But how do I do as you guys say and find out what I need to know when it's past? How do I regain respect? How do I deal with these feelings when such a small admission can bring them to the surface? Am I being too tolerant of the interest in other men by my wife? I read that a man should be tolerant of that because it's normal for women to like other men than their husbands. But am I wrong and should I clamp down? Would most men? 

I'm sorry about all the questions but I'm really lost and each reply makes me think of more.


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## WillS (Sep 1, 2011)

Also, if I was to put my foot down as some are suggesting, how do I do that? How does a man today set down boundaries when I assumed those boundaries were a basic assumption of being married? If I didn't catch her with the one affair man until she said too much (and he was leaving) and never knew about the other men even when they were sitting across from me at the table, how do I stop this kind of thing going forward? I feel really inadequate these days anyway.


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## WillS (Sep 1, 2011)

And why would this happen anyway?! What have I done wrong?


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## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

I've asked a couple of questions here before and have gotten some great help after my wife's admitted EA and* possible PA.
*

It was a PA or it wasn't a PA there is no such thing as a possible PA. The reason you are having trouble with "small issues" is because you *never* addressed them in the first place and allowed her to sweep them under the rug. This is a huge mistake. You will continue to have fights that circle back to what happened in the past until she owns up and becomes transparent.

I read that a man should be tolerant of that because it's normal for women to like other men than their husbands.

This depends on the definition of "like." If like means: Hes a nice guy and I'm glad he fixed the fence. I would recommend him to a friend. Then its OK.

If "like" means: I think that guy is hot and wouldn't mind if he flirted with me. Maybe I'll invite him over for some drinks. Then NO this is not alright. 

My problem is that she doesn't see what she did as wrong.

That's not your problem it's her's. Yet...you make it your problem by not asserting yourself. 

And why would this happen anyway?! What have I done wrong?

There is nothing you are doing or have done that makes your wife unfaithful. It is a choice made by her, and owned by her. PERIOD! You are, however, allowing her to continue in her actions by not squaring your shoulders and saying "enough is enough." Your allowing her to cake eat by having no real consequences for her actions.


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## sam83 (Jul 23, 2011)

WillS said:


> And why would this happen anyway?! What have I done wrong?


Dude u r doing every wrong action in the book u r enabling here to cheat on u again and again if she didn't already doing it right now 

putting ur foot down by putting boundaries to ur marriage let her know how hurt r u how her friends look down at u because of her actions don't cry don't plead just be firm and strong if u can move out for few days will be great show that u r not afraid of losing her file for D if u have to and when she wants to R then put the rules 

and try to get IC for yourself to help u through this


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## sam83 (Jul 23, 2011)

and tell her no more trickle truth u want to know everything and if she really wanted to protect u she should stay faithful and not pursue other men 

tell her parents and yours her siblings she should face some consequences to think over her actions


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