# Christmas????



## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

This is going to sound a bit weird. My wife and I are working on R but we are only a few months into this process. Christmas is coming up do I buy presents as I usually would or what? We also have a tradition that went on for 29 years that I buy her something provocative to wear on Christmas Eve for just us. To make me go hmm even more a milestone birthday is coming up shortly as well.
I am not sure what to do and what message I want to send.


----------



## TheGoodFight (Oct 26, 2011)

mahike said:


> This is going to sound a bit weird. My wife and I are working on R but we are only a few months into this process. Christmas is coming up do I buy presents as I usually would or what? We also have a tradition that went on for 29 years that I buy her something provocative to wear on Christmas Eve for just us. To make me go hmm even more a milestone birthday is coming up shortly as well.
> I am not sure what to do and what message I want to send.


I'm struggling with the same thing. We are also only a few months in and I don't fell like getting her anything to be honest. I usually put something in her stocking like a new vibrator or something like that. I already have bought it but not sure I should put it in. 

As for a regular gift, I'm just not feeling it, but I want to work on the relationship too. I'm conflicted.

I know, not much help, but I can relate. I'll be watching this thread for others opinions.


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Have you asked her?


----------



## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Yes and she says "I do not deserve anything"

That is what is putting me deep in thought about this. Since we are trying to R I want to show that I care but I am not sure how far I should go.. and I do not want to appear to be a doormat either.


----------



## TheGoodFight (Oct 26, 2011)

morituri said:


> Have you asked her?


This is a good point and my be a topic of conversation that could lead to some emotional intimacy if done right. After all, emotional intimacy is all about sharing and knowing what you are both feeling.

It probably shouldn't start with a question like "Do you expect a gift this year" though. The answer to that is predictable and would be no. I'm thinking it should be more along the lines of "I'm feeling conflicted about the about the gift giving this year and we've always done ______ but now it feels different to me. How are you feeling about it?" Maybe get the discussion going that way and talk it out.

I know in my case my wife has already bought me some gifts.


----------



## Bartimaus (Oct 15, 2011)

Well for gawwwwd sake if she was the one to cheat don't get her a vibrator like TheGoodFight mentioned,,geeesh!
In my best Fred Sanford voice,,,"Wy you dummy".


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Take her shopping and buy her something a little bit more demure than in past occasions but that still emphasizes her feminine beauty.

A little bit of leadership on your part may help the two of you become more intimately connected.


----------



## TheGoodFight (Oct 26, 2011)

Bartimaus said:


> Well for gawwwwd sake if she was the one to cheat don't get her a vibrator,,geeesh!
> In my best Fred Sanford voice,,,"Wy you dummy".


Well she uses it when we have sex and I like it. But I see why that might look bad. I'd actually be just replacing the one we have worn out. 

OK that sounds even worse and is starting to make me depressed. I'll stop now.


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

If I recall correctly I did the usual stuff on my 1st post d-day xmas. Maybe a touch less due to finances. 

I don't think I considered any different but things had vastly improved by then, no signs of cheating, she quit her job, we were in full hysterical bonding mode, etc.


I did however forgo the anniversary stuff that year.


----------



## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I also told my W that I don't deserve anything. Yet, she's buying me stuff anyways. I gave her a list of things. Stuff that she can sell if needed. 

It also makes it hard for me to buy for her without looking like I'm trying to buy her off. But I got her things she will like, even if it is from me.


----------



## MAKINGSENSEOFIT (Oct 24, 2011)

I honestly don't feel like getting my wife a thing. We have two young children though so I will get her a couple of things from the children.


----------



## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

mahike said:


> This is going to sound a bit weird. My wife and I are working on R but we are only a few months into this process. Christmas is coming up do I buy presents as I usually would or what? We also have a tradition that went on for 29 years that I buy her something provocative to wear on Christmas Eve for just us. To make me go hmm even more a milestone birthday is coming up shortly as well.
> I am not sure what to do and what message I want to send.


There's not a hard and fast answer. My wife's birthday was 5 days after our final D-Day, and I had a couple of decisions to make: do I go ahead with the surprise outing with friends I'd been planning and a gift, or does everything get scrapped?

Ultimately, went ahead with the plans and the gift, because during that week, she demonstrated her commitment to changing her patterns of behavior and learning why she acted the way she did. She found and began attending a sex addicts anonymous program, all within those 5 days.

But, ultimately, it's up to you. Do you "feel" it or not? Would it just be actions born of routine or born of your feelings for one another? If the former, no need to get anything; if the latter, go ahead.


----------



## Patricia B. Pina (Nov 22, 2011)

Hi, mahike
It is really up to you to decide.

But to keep the christmas spirit alive I must say: Go for it.


----------



## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

My b-day was a few weeks after H found out, I think you call that DDay, right? Money was very tight back then, but he gave me a nail appointment. I didn't deserve it and I told him that over and over. He showered me with gifts that we couldn't afford during that time, none of which was deserved. I don't know why he did it. He's not doing it anymore. Yes, I will get something for Christmas and I know he has spent time and money to find something that he knows I will like. I have done the same but like every Birthday or Christmas since DDay, I feel like I have to go overboard and make it extra-extra special. I ordered him a beautiful leather briefcase, not a formal one but the kind that looks only good with patina. He showed me one like that and said he'd love one. I also bought him a ton of very nice polo shirts and dress shirts for work. He'll look so great in them.


----------



## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Usually my wife tends to outright tell me what she wants so I don't have to concern myself with guessing. If you can think of something that would be a couples thing for both of you that might be something to consider. Others here can probably give you better options but what if you bought her a gift card or paid for reservations somewhere that you could use as a bonding experience for the two of you? I dunno really.


----------



## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

If you`re trying to reconcile I would think you`d want to get them a Xmas gift.

You might be a bit more particular about the content of the gift this year but still get a gift.


----------



## Hopelessus (Oct 29, 2014)

We agreed not to buy each other gifts. I even hate the thought of it. We said any gifts we receive will be from the kids. I am having them choose everything. Only about 4 things.


----------



## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

Zombie Thread..................


----------



## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

MAKINGSENSEOFIT said:


> I honestly don't feel like getting my wife a thing. We have two young children though so I will get her a couple of things from the children.


Did this the last 2 years as I thought we were in R, and she never got me anything. Of course I expected it as she never got em anything in the past 10 years anyway. I always went above and beyond and she did the bare minimum. Never once bought something for me from the kids. 

Last year made a special trip to my parents so kids could spend the Xmas with GMA and GPA. Took all the gifts. When we sat down to open them I had one gift, and it was from my parents. The kids had a plethora (of course), as did the grandparents and she had a mound in from of her (many from the "girls"). I opened my one gift and sat watching everyone else. At least she teared up, then she got mad and blame shifted it on me as we had agreed not to get each other anything. I showed her that everything said it was from the girls only and didn't have my name on it. Of course she didn't reciprocate the gesture to me.


Get her a burlap sack to wear. Tell her. "here is your sexy lingerie this year!"


----------



## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

that sucks Squeak. Both the blame shifting and the fact that you got screwed gift wise. Been there, done that though I am lucky that my wife gets more for me than I do for her (though it all comes from the same source as we pool everything)


----------



## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

We are 4 months out & I'm the one that always cooks Christmas dinner for our entire family. I told everybody I wasn't going to have a dinner this year. I'm just not in the Christmas spirit, But I did get my H some gifts & he is getting me gifts as well.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I wonder what OP got his old lady 3 yrs ago?



One of the gifts I bought my FWW was a table saw.

She was smiling cuz we often use old boxs to wrap up gifts so until you opened the box you really don't know what you got.

Man that smile went a way real quick when she opened the box and saw it really was a table saw....it was the biggest gift under the tree that year and it was hers.

Just like my marriage...the saw still works great i just have to change the blade when it gets dull.


----------



## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

Devastated an lost said:


> We are 4 months out & I'm the one that always cooks Christmas dinner for our entire family. I told everybody I wasn't going to have a dinner this year. I'm just not in the Christmas spirit, But I did get my H some gifts & he is getting me gifts as well.


I read your story. I'm very sorry about what has happened in your life. 
but you made a smart choice vis-a-vis Christmas dinner - I think it sends the message that "life has changed" and "
things will NOT go on as usual"


----------



## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

At Christmas I will be eleven months from d-day, we are trying to R. Three months from d-day was our 19th wedding anniversary, we bought a couple gifts and went out. WW's birthday came next, by now I had entered a rage I'd never felt before. I talked to our MC and she said be genuine. She got a small gift from me and gifts from the boys. Christmas, this is my favorite time of the year. I have done my usual donations. I have thought about this extensively. I refuse to allow the affair to dampen any spirits on Christmas. What is Christmas? It is the birthday of Jesus. I am old fashioned and I'm sure I'll get ripped apart here. It is a time we celebrate the birth of Jesus. 

I will continue our family traditions, I would continue the family traditions if I divorced also. I refuse to allow the affair to dampen the spirits of my boys. My WW has worked her a$$ off during R, her spirits should not be dampened either. So my gifts, feelings, and love are genuine this year as with all the years before. I refuse to allow her OM to change my life and my traditions. Am I right or am I wrong, honestly I don't know.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

drifting on said:


> Am I right or am I wrong, honestly I don't know.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


As long as you are true to yourself and happy with your decisions, then you can never truly be wrong in matters of the heart.


----------



## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Squeakr said:


> As long as you are true to yourself and happy with your decisions, then you can never truly be wrong in matters of the heart.


Squeakr

I posted this and then thought I would get ripped apart. At least the first comment was a good one. I was hoping one would see that I am reacting from the heart and what I believe in.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

drifting on said:


> Squeakr
> 
> I posted this and then thought I would get ripped apart. At least the first comment was a good one. I was hoping one would see that I am reacting from the heart and what I believe in.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Whether you are setting yourself up for success of failure, only you know. The way I see it, as long as both parties are trying 100%, then it is worth attempting R if everyone can live with the past. If one party can not it is a futile effort.

Yours may succeed or fail, but at least you know you tried your best and can walk away with your head help high for that, no matter what happens. Only you can live your life and know what you can and can't accept. If it works for you, then good and if not, I hope things get better in the future. You only live once, so try to live without regrets.


----------



## MarriedTex (Sep 24, 2010)

Squeakr said:


> Did this the last 2 years as I thought we were in R, and she never got me anything. Of course I expected it as she never got em anything in the past 10 years anyway. I always went above and beyond and she did the bare minimum. Never once bought something for me from the kids.
> 
> Last year made a special trip to my parents so kids could spend the Xmas with GMA and GPA. Took all the gifts. When we sat down to open them I had one gift, and it was from my parents. The kids had a plethora (of course), as did the grandparents and she had a mound in from of her (many from the "girls"). I opened my one gift and sat watching everyone else. At least she teared up, then she got mad and blame shifted it on me as we had agreed not to get each other anything. I showed her that everything said it was from the girls only and didn't have my name on it. Of course she didn't reciprocate the gesture to me.
> 
> ...


I'm right there with you. You face a situation more extreme than mine, but the same scenario plays out at our holiday as well. 

In years past, I would put a lot of time and effort in identifying unique and worthwhile gifts for those on my list, including my wife. I delight in thinking about a person while shopping and then finding just the right thing for them - even if they didn't know or think that they wanted it. I'm actually very good at this and my family would even talk about how much they look forward to my gifts. 

So we wound up having same routine for about 10 years before I finally gave up. I'd usually get wife some neat, unique, thoughtful gifts. She'd give me a few token items, typically not reflecting much thought or effort. Then she would get mad at me for "outdoing" her on gifts. I wind up apologizing for getting her nice stuff - just to keep peace on the holiday.

She'd also get mad at the time / resources I spent on family gifts. (Not a budget or time buster by any stretch, but - admittedly I did put more effort into the process than she did.)

After years of doing this, resentment finally set in for me. I don't care about the gifts I get, but I hate being largely overlooked and then also having to re-assure wife that there's no problem in her overlooking me yet again. 

My only answer is detachment. I don't put a lot of effort in giving/selecting gifts anymore. It's a shame & I miss it. But I have to detach from Christmas if I'm to survive the holiday in tact. The hurt of being shamed / criticized for putting effort into gift-giving and then subsequently having to console her for her lack of effort on this front is a one-two punch that has effectively stolen this aspect of the holiday from me.


----------



## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

MarriedTex said:


> I'm right there with you. You face a situation more extreme than mine, but the same scenario plays out at our holiday as well.
> 
> In years past, I would put a lot of time and effort in identifying unique and worthwhile gifts for those on my list, including my wife. I delight in thinking about a person while shopping and then finding just the right thing for them - even if they didn't know or think that they wanted it. I'm actually very good at this and my family would even talk about how much they look forward to my gifts.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree: QFT. That is my life exactly. I was always good at finding special gifts at a good price so everyone enjoyed my thoughts. She would just grab something it always seemed with little thought, in fact several years she even forgot my birthday entirely. I could care less about the amount spent as long as thoughts went into it, and it was quite obvious that this NEVER happened. It got old. This is the first Xmas where I may somewhat get through decent as I have pretty much cut it out entirely. No decorations, celebrations, nothing. wish me luck.


----------



## MarriedTex (Sep 24, 2010)

Squeakr said:


> :iagree::iagree::iagree: QFT. That is my life exactly. I was always good at finding special gifts at a good price so everyone enjoyed my thoughts. She would just grab something it always seemed with little thought, in fact several years she even forgot my birthday entirely. I could care less about the amount spent as long as thoughts went into it, and it was quite obvious that this NEVER happened. It got old. This is the first Xmas where I may somewhat get through decent as I have pretty much cut it out entirely. No decorations, celebrations, nothing. wish me luck.


Do I understand correctly that she is an ex-wife? Or is she still around? If ex, re-focus your efforts on extended family you've been putting on back-burner for awhile. 

If you are still together, you need to have a talk before the holiday. Explain what you are doing, de-emphasizing Xmas. If you're making these cutbacks stealthily, it's just nothing more than passive-aggressive BS. You're hoping that the absence of your efforts will make her and everybody else notice what you've been doing all these years. Be authentic. Set expectations for what will happen this holiday. Be a leader.


----------



## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

MarriedTex said:


> Do I understand correctly that she is an ex-wife? Or is she still around? If ex, re-focus your efforts on extended family you've been putting on back-burner for awhile.
> 
> If you are still together, you need to have a talk before the holiday. Explain what you are doing, de-emphasizing Xmas. If you're making these cutbacks stealthily, it's just nothing more than passive-aggressive BS. You're hoping that the absence of your efforts will make her and everybody else notice what you've been doing all these years. Be authentic. Set expectations for what will happen this holiday. Be a leader.


I have to answer it as....both somewhat. She is a STBXW, there is no coming back from this as we already tried the false R route.

Legally still married but legally separated. Working on separation agreement being legalized/ completed and waiting the time to finalize the divorce (state requires 12 month separation, which requires separate residences, to be completed before divorce can be granted). 

So this is the first Xmas that we are officially apart/ separated. No turning back as I am not going to try the false R again. We both realize not doing XMAS together, in fact not even living in the same state, many hours apart, so there is no presumption that things will be as they have in the past. We have discussed with the kids that traditional routines of the past are through and will not be done this year, so nothing is hidden nor passive in this situation. Everything is out in the open and she knows that she will get nothing from me and the only thing I expect from her if more grief regarding everything.

Yep, I have taken charge and this is not being swept under the rug or slyly happening, all are aware of what is to transpire and the expectations of all parties. Hate it for the kids, but it has to be sometime, if not his year, definitely next, so no time like the present to stop the madness.

Also have very little extended family and all are traveling this holiday, so making the things even more surreal.


----------



## MarriedTex (Sep 24, 2010)

Would've "liked" the above post, but don't know if such a changeover is really something to "like", per se. 

Are kids with you or her? If you know you'll be alone that day, make arrangements to do something positive. Volunteer at a homeless shelter maybe? Keep yourself active. Sorry you find yourself in this situation. 

I would be tempted to sit with a bottle of Jack and watch basketball all day. Don't be me!


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

the guy said:


> I wonder what OP got his old lady 3 yrs ago?
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I was shocked to read this. I have admired your willingness to reconcile with your wife very much, the guy. It takes a lot of strength to reconcile with a serial cheater. You certainly have my respect.

But a table saw for Christmas?

If I had been her, I would have left the room. I would have locked myself in the bedroom and just sat on the bed, contemplating the insensitivity, perhaps insult, of that gift. I probably would have stayed in there, just lying curled up on the bed, until I had needed food or the bathroom.

I am sure your wife handled it with much more grace than I would have.


----------



## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

mahike said:


> This is going to sound a bit weird. My wife and I are working on R but we are only a few months into this process. Christmas is coming up do I buy presents as I usually would or what? We also have a tradition that went on for 29 years that I buy her something provocative to wear on Christmas Eve for just us. To make me go hmm even more a milestone birthday is coming up shortly as well.
> I am not sure what to do and what message I want to send.


I would buy nothing....NOTHING of a sexual nature. Break "tradition"...SHE DID!

She needs to EARN those kinds of intimate gifts back. Part of "earning" that is earning your trust back. Has she done that...after a few months? Well, there's your answer. 

If the R is going well, and she's really trying to make things right, buy her a small something that shows you acknowledge and appreciate that. A gift from the heart with some thought. Small, but thoughtful.

A big gift, or a sexual gift (at least in my eyes) tells her "thank god she didn't leave me". A smaller thoughtful gift says "thanks for trying to make things right...here's something to let you know I appreciate the work you're doing to make it right...but try harder and longer for gifts that show I love you and trust you as I once did".

JMO.


----------



## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

jld said:


> I was shocked to read this. I have admired your willingness to reconcile with your wife very much, the guy. It takes a lot of strength to reconcile with a serial cheater. You certainly have my respect.
> 
> But a table saw for Christmas?
> 
> ...


Yes

pretty ballsy, I kinda liked it though

I did make the mistake one time getting my wife a vacuum cleaner for her birthday early in our marriage.

reminds me of this:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W5RDAQFAh6Q

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_6D6eP6EMj4


----------



## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

I was tempted to send an excerpt from the Godfather to the POSOM who chased my wife in his idea of an EA last Christmas

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V7RMKq8RQj4

But as he got a close taste of it when I found out, my wife said it would be best to reconsider but would support me either way

'Let sleeping fish lie' I guess she thought


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

convert said:


> Yes
> 
> pretty ballsy, I kinda liked it though
> 
> ...


That second link was funny, but the first one was sad. Is that really how it feels?


----------



## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

jld said:


> That second link was funny, but the first one was sad. Is that really how it feels?


yes, when your young and in my case dumb that was 25 years ago.

we really needed a vacuum


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

convert said:


> yes, when your young and in my case dumb that was 25 years ago.
> 
> we really needed a vacuum


Do you both laugh about it now, though?


----------



## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

jld said:


> Do you both laugh about it now, though?


yes

and since we are older she even suggest gifts like this.

I am not fallen for it though


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Lol, convert. I would _love_ a new Miele vac for Christmas. But my Kenmore still runs fine, so I cannot justify it. 

For sure, we get more practical as we get older!


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

This might sound funny coming from me but I would go all out. I refuse to make choices that cause me to live in pain so if I had chosen to R, I would take full ownership of my marriage and full possession of my wife.

I'm not a halfway kind of man.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## BrightEyes86 (Nov 1, 2014)

I'm a bit curious what he wound up doing (if anything) for her that year.

I know the first Christmas during my R was a little rough. We sat down and talked about whether we wanted to get things for each other that year, finances were a bit rough too so ultimately we agreed not to. He did the sweetest thing though and it was a total surprise. I had given him back my wedding ring a few months earlier, but still wore my engagement ring. I told him to hang onto it while we worked through everything, and that if he decided he still wanted to be married to me he could give it back, and in the meantime we'd be "engaged" again. He surprised me with it on Christmas morning. He bought a HUGE snowman cookie jar, and the ring was in a box in the cookie jar. I cried, he cried, it was the best Christmas morning of my adult life. Goes to show that even when finances are tight, it's all about the thought that goes into it.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

BrightEyes86 said:


> I'm a bit curious what he wound up doing (if anything) for her that year.
> 
> I know the first Christmas during my R was a little rough. We sat down and talked about whether we wanted to get things for each other that year, finances were a bit rough too so ultimately we agreed not to. He did the sweetest thing though and it was a total surprise. I had given him back my wedding ring a few months earlier, but still wore my engagement ring. I told him to hang onto it while we worked through everything, and that if he decided he still wanted to be married to me he could give it back, and in the meantime we'd be "engaged" again. He surprised me with it on Christmas morning. He bought a HUGE snowman cookie jar, and the ring was in a box in the cookie jar. I cried, he cried, it was the best Christmas morning of my adult life. Goes to show that even when finances are tight, it's all about the thought that goes into it.


From everything I have heard, your H sounds like a very sweet guy. Hope you have a merry Christmas.


----------



## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

BrightEyes86 said:


> I'm a bit curious what he wound up doing (if anything) for her that year.
> 
> I know the first Christmas during my R was a little rough. We sat down and talked about whether we wanted to get things for each other that year, finances were a bit rough too so ultimately we agreed not to. He did the sweetest thing though and it was a total surprise. I had given him back my wedding ring a few months earlier, but still wore my engagement ring. I told him to hang onto it while we worked through everything, and that if he decided he still wanted to be married to me he could give it back, and in the meantime we'd be "engaged" again. He surprised me with it on Christmas morning. He bought a HUGE snowman cookie jar, and the ring was in a box in the cookie jar. I cried, he cried, it was the best Christmas morning of my adult life. Goes to show that even when finances are tight, it's all about the thought that goes into it.


That was so good to hear brighteyes, I'm glad you two are happy. My WW wedding ring made me trigger, she took it off for a while and then I asked her to wear it again. My problem was that she wore it while with the OM. I thought I was correct in asking her to no longer wear it but I was wrong. The ring was a symbol of my love, my vows , not hers. This is why I asked her to wear the ring again. Every now and then I will trigger over the ring but I've found I was having a bad day before I triggered. I do have plans to replace the ring which she has no idea I'm doing. So reading what you wrote here made me happy for you that he wants you to wear it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

convert said:


> Yes
> 
> pretty ballsy, I kinda liked it though
> 
> ...


Actually it's ok to get your wife a vacuum for a gift as long as there is a diamond tennis bracelet attached to the handle.


----------

