# What were the signs your spouse was cheating? Let's make a list of red flags...



## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

I've lived through being cheated on, TWICE, so I know what the signs were in my case. But I'd love to know what others have observed. There does seem to be a script. So I'd love your input.

The sister of a friend of mine suspects her H of having an affair, but can't find proof. But I say, if your gut tells you so, then it's probably so. 

*I love you but I'm not in love with you.
*I just keep hurting you, so maybe I should hurt you one last time and let you go so you can find happiness.
*I'm confused
*I want our marriage to work but I'm lost at how to do that.
*See, you don't trust me!
*You can't tell me who to be friends with.
*He/She is just a friend.

And the signs....Attached to the cell phone, clearing web browsing history, secret email account, constant texting, new cell phone account so I can't look up history, and depression.


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## TextbookStuffHere (Apr 13, 2011)

I need space, constant shaving of legs, new underwear, health (weight loss) kick, face in laptop for hours at a time. Getting dolled up for work.


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

Sadly, when you trust your spouse 100% you don't look for signs. But there are always signs.

*Lots of afterwork functions, such as happy hours
*Increase in texting on phonebill
*Strong affirmations that something is nothing. "He protests too much" kind of thing.
*Catching them in small lies
*Drop in attention to you, such as phone calls or emails.
*YOUR GUT

Once last summer I had my H's car and was putting groceries in the trunk. When I saw his golf bag I had this flash of "what if I found condoms in here?". The thought came out of no where and I shook it off immediatley. Turns out, he had hidden the condoms in his golf bag.


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

I was completely oblivious. I got a strange phone call with someone saying "you should check on your woman". Reverse searched the number and it turned out to be the OM. Started digging one day and all the proof was right there.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

She goes to the mall for hours and doesn't buy a thing. Says "they" don't have her size. Wife does this numerous times.

Declines to go watch her kid's soccer game because she "needs down time." Turns out she jumps in the car and drives over the OM's house as soon as I and the kids leave for the soccer game.

Goes to the YMCA for hours yet returns home with her gym clothes clearly not even worn for a work out.


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## rider03 (Apr 7, 2009)

Some reverse psychology....why "I" cheated.

Because she didn't have sex with me for SEVEN years.

'Nuf said.


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## The 13th_Floor (Mar 7, 2011)

I love you more as a friend is the early warning sign in my eyes...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Craggy456 (Feb 22, 2011)

Unfortunately for me, he was too good at hiding it. I just happened to be messing around on his cell phone when I found the "I love you" texts to the OW


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## Workingitout (Sep 27, 2010)

Conversations about infidelity w/ friends went from "infidelity equals divorce" to "I wouldn't divorce him because of the kids". Odd change of perspective.

In hind site, she stopped talking about the OM. At first I had "nothing to worry about" as he was across the country. Then it became "nothing happened". They needed to hook-up for "nothing to happen".

Also, I would never trust a spouse with "don't worry, it's over" without calling the OM or OW and their spouse to reveal the affair! Hard lesson to learn!


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

Workingitout said:


> Conversations about infidelity w/ friends went from "infidelity equals divorce" to "I wouldn't divorce him because of the kids". Odd change of perspective.


Red flag for sure! I used to say "infidelity=divorce" and my H would say, "I'd forgive you." Yeah, because you knew you already cheated!


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## Anonymous_Female (Apr 16, 2011)

There was also a sudden bout of excessive, frivolous spending--but he was also at the peak of his PTSD (diagnosed) at the time, and it could have been a symptom of either.


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

Good ones, keep em coming!



Workingitout said:


> Conversations about infidelity w/ friends went from "infidelity equals divorce" to "I wouldn't divorce him because of the kids". Odd change of perspective.


This is one I never thought about, but it was certainly there. When we dated it was always that cheating was unforgivable. But that changed once we had kids. And he was also okay with hanging out with other guys who cheated, and while I voiced concerns about it I always got, "What? Do you think I'll cheat because they do?" Well, apparently it did some sort of desensitization!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Waking up in the middle of the night to find her gone. Waking up in the morning to find her a sleep next to me. Yes really this happened


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

the guy said:


> Waking up in the middle of the night to find her gone. Waking up in the morning to find her a sleep next to me. Yes really this happened


:O


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Anonymous_Female said:


> A strange female walked into my unlocked apartment at 10:30 at night and asked for my husband by name. That's a red flag if I ever saw one.
> 
> Unfortunately that's about the only one I got. There was also a sudden bout of excessive, frivolous spending--but he was also at the peak of his PTSD (diagnosed) at the time, and it could have been a symptom of either.


At least that one's pretty conclusive. Probably didn't have much doubt after that...


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

Yeah I do prefer the hard and solid proof. Leaves less room for gaslighting.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I didn't have a clue.

Scary.


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## StrugglingMan (May 20, 2011)

Same here. I knew she was depressed, that she was emotionally checked out of our marriage but wasn't seeing any of the signs that there was someone else. 

In typical bs fashion I thought it was all me and that if I was a better hubby etc that it would all blow over.


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## Anonymous_Female (Apr 16, 2011)

nice777guy said:


> At least that one's pretty conclusive. Probably didn't have much doubt after that...


Ah, a silver lining to everything. :lol::smthumbup:


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Never cared about the cell phone before, always left it laying around-then suddenly guarding it like the crown jewels.
Phone bills "MIA" for the past couple of months-when asked about them, you get "Don't worry, I took care of it."
Beating you to the phone when it rings.
You answering the phone, and getting constant hang-ups.
The spouse seems to go out of their way to avoid intimacy/being alone with you.
Always on computer, then suddenly closes window when you come in.
And, last but not least, coming home early, unbeknownst to her, and you hear her talking to someone on the phone in the other room-she is sighing, giggling, cooing, basically, talking to the other party the way she talked to you when you were dating.
(No, these were not me, but my cousin's "red flags")


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

I never had a clue. She became much happier during her EA. I thought "we" had gotten better. I was very wrong, and just happened to stumble on an email and found out.


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

Wow, this thread has turned really depressing.  

I think the best example is Decimated's post, "I want to have an affair". The parody of an affair is unmatched.


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## mswren7 (May 8, 2011)

Never had a clue either. He was very skilled in hiding what he was doing and acting as though nothing was different.

Looking back I can see some signs I missed, but I wasnt looking for it, I just never thought he would do that.

. Accused me of having a boyfriend over when the bed wasnt made one day. (They usually accuse you to take the guilt of themselves).
. Saying he was going into town early one day. (Really going to OW house for sex in her bed at 7am before work).
. Being emotionally closed off.
. Lack of sex.
. Getting confused about who he told things to. 
. Had a brick wall around himself whenever I tried to have a deep conversation with him.

I just think about how guarded he must have been in talking to me and my family to make sure that nothing slipped about what he was doing. He carried this on for 5 years. How could someone be so organised in their mind as to not let anything out accidently? My mind would be confused and under stress trying to hide something for that long.


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

One sign I missed was attitude. 

H sometimes seemed a little c*cky and entitled during his affair. There was a definite sentiment that _I_ was the one needing to do all the changing to make _us_ better. 

While in an affair, the DS seems to think they can do no wrong and have already started blaming you for their straying. Otherwise they wouldn't feel justified.


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

Yes, I agree with the overjustification, or the lies, which go into too much detail. Sense of entitlement is tops!


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

OP you're talking about vague squishy things like 'how' your relationship feels. Whereas most of the comments here are sadly comical about what people DO.

I'm more like you. I always have the antenna out twitching around. By the time we start getting weird phone calls and stranger people showing up at the house, we're already splashing around in the abattoir aren't we?


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

-Her coming home and starting fights with me over tiny little things on many days. 

-On other days she would be super sweet and nice. Looking back I realized on the times she would be mean and fighting with me, it was to justify in her mind what a bad guy I was. And during the times she was so nice, it was because of some of her guilt.

-She started going to bed very early, where before she would always stay up late to catch up on her TV shows. She claimed it was because she was so tired and stressed out from work. Found out later it was because she was getting up as early as 4 am to call the OM.

-We stopped going to church because she would sleep in almost all day on Sundays. Found out later through the phone records it was because she was staying up practically all night Fridays and Saturday nights talking to OM while I was asleep.

-Withdrawing emotionally and sexually. When she was awake at home, she would sit on the sofa and pretend to watch tv, when I noticed that she wasn't really watching tv, just staring off into space. I was like WTF?

-Always facebooking, and taking the laptop into the bedroom to be alone. Before she complained that she hated using the laptop in the bedroom because the signal was weaker. She also seemed to close or minimize the windows whenever I walked into the room when she was on the laptop.

-Strange calls from 1-800 numbers and they would hang up if I answered the phone. Found out OM was using calling cards to call our home from from Canada.

Like StrugglingMan and other BSs, I thought it was me, so I tried working harder and harder on the marriage, no matter what I did, it wasn't good enough. Then purely by accident, I stumbled upon her secret facebook account and of course, DDay.


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## Squiffy (Oct 26, 2010)

- He started staying later at work functions than he used to 
- He bought some nice new underwear
- At times he was very distant, at other times he was extra nice to me
- He started visiting a couple of 'male friends' on the weekends, previously he used to only see them at sporting functions
- One weekend he said he was going to help one of these male friends with some house renovations, when our own house is falling down around us (this was the thing that really aroused my suspicions as he usually hates fixing stuff around our house). In particular, he had a shower BEFORE he went - I mean, who has a shower before they go and work on a house???
- After he left to 'help this friend' I checked his email account and of course, there were all the texts!


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## uhaul4mybaggage (Jul 20, 2010)

Late night trips to the corner store for something I had offered earlier the same day to pick up. Trips should have lasted 10 min, but were taking 30-40 min. I was really stoopid. Er, trusting.


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

uhaul4mybaggage said:


> Late night trips to the corner store for something I had offered earlier the same day to pick up. Trips should have lasted 10 min, but were taking 30-40 min. I was really stoopid. Er, trusting.


Oh yeah, I forgot about this one. Always needing to run to the gas station for something, which was really code for "I need somewhere private to make an illicit phone call". I was trusting too! Damn it, we shouldn't have to kick ourselves for that!


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## Fenella (Jan 27, 2010)

Its almost like the DS all read from the same book - attached to cellphone, change from plan to prepaid to "save money" (more like have no bills for me to see), loss of weight, we had to buy a new car so he could be out and about in it, wanting to go and do lots of things away from home but never with me or our son, the evening dash to store to get sauce, wine etc etc.

Sometimes I think he is a very clever person but no he was very stupid, and I am the better person here which is what I remind myself every day.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

All of the above were definitely red flags, but I saw many more. Some of the more memorable ones though......

A bank statement to a secret bank account arrive at our 
house (after he forgot to pay his PO Box rental). It showed
where he was paying a woman $3K a month.

I found an empty condom box under my driver's seat after 
he borrowed my truck the evening before.

A woman sent him a "thank you" card to our business 
address. The card said plenty about their first date.

Yet, the idiot still denied he was seeing other women!


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

^^^ Yes, the denial is what gets me! They must think we're really stupid. I was stupid for awhile, but then I got wise. Wise enough to know that I only wanted to believe him, and that he was a lying cheat.


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

what I don't understand is why they continue with that denial even after divorce. I guess in the case of my ex cheating husband he lives far away from family and all mutual friends and people who have known him for years and it is easy to fool his 70 year old mother who is so naive it is almost sad


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

notreadytoquit said:


> what I don't understand is why they continue with that denial even after divorce. I guess in the case of my ex cheating husband he lives far away from family and all mutual friends and people who have known him for years and it is easy to fool his 70 year old mother who is so naive it is almost sad



I think, for them to admit, would mean that they've done something wrong. Remember they justify it to themselves over and over again in many different ways. My H even has his family convinced that it's just a coincidence that he's "moving on" with his high school sweetheart who lives 2500 miles away and has been my main concern since November and his mother knows it. You know, just a funny coincidence, right? And EVERYONE will buy it, right? Haha. Dumba$$. 

What's weird about H is that he's shut everyone out. His best friends and all family except for his mom and dad. Our mutual friends, everyone. I don't envy him one bit. What a way to live. I hope she's worth it.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

notreadytoquit said:


> what I don't understand is why they continue with that denial even after divorce.


I don't know. My ex-H does this too. He recently told me the fourth version of one story and when I called him on it when he went silent. He was caught offguard when I told him this was the 4th different version he'd told me about 1 thing. I just looked at him and said "It doesn't matter anymore."


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

Would you guys agree that small lies are often the beginning of the signs? Like lies about money and where they are. Then they cheat and it becomes much bigger lies. And they almost over-lie by telling too many details?


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Fenella said:


> Its almost like the DS all read from the same book - attached to cellphone, change from plan to prepaid to "save money" (more like have no bills for me to see), loss of weight, we had to buy a new car so he could be out and about in it, wanting to go and do lots of things away from home but never with me or our son, the evening dash to store to get sauce, wine etc etc.


Cheating generally follows a general pattern, that's why everyone's stories are so similar. Some of the minor details might be different according to the situation, but the general red flags are the same.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

RWB said:


> My first lesson, cheaters will lie to any and ever one.


And that is a very valuable lesson. They can swear on their parents lives, they can swear on their kids lives, they can even swear on the Bible. My wife's favorite: I swear to God! God is my witness! :lol:

Rule Number 1 After DDay: Do not believe a word out of their mouth. You can tell when they are lying because you can see their lips move. You can only begin to start to believe them after they have done the work to regain your trust. And that means being transparent.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

LonelyNLost said:


> Would you guys agree that small lies are often the beginning of the signs? Like lies about money and where they are. Then they cheat and it becomes much bigger lies. And they almost over-lie by telling too many details?


Well the basic notion is that lies beget more lies. And eventually if you are lying enough, you will f-ck up somewhere. It's hard to keep lots of lies straight.



lordmayhem said:


> Cheating generally follows a general pattern, that's why everyone's stories are so similar. Some of the minor details might be different according to the situation, but the general red flags are the same.


Yep. That is why they call it *THE SCRIPT*. And it is a total pattern--all the stories sound the same. 

That's why when we're reading stories from new poster, we can usually tell w/in the first 5 sentences what the deal is:

Example:_ "I have been married for X yrs and love my W/H very much. Lately they have been acting cold/distant and very irritable. We've been fighting a lot lately and I can't put my finger on it but something is wrong....He/she is saying they are done with the marriage. That there is is no hope for reconcilation/they do'nt want counselling/"I love you but I'm not in love with you"_

Fill in the blanks with more blah, blah, blah...

_He/she has been talking to/texting someone he/she says they are *just a friend *_(or,_ he/she has been weird with the phone/hiding their phone a lot or taking calls away from me). _

_I am committed to working on my marriage and know we can get through this."_

Then we ask _"Is your spouse having an affair?"_

Then they say (very matter-of-factly, if I may add), _ "Oh, no way. Never. My H/W would never do such a thing, in fact he/she hate cheaters and there is just no way. I am sure of that. No offense to you guys, but I know him/her very well. They wouldn't do that and anyway, don't have the time or motivation."_

If there is no OM/OW, great.

If there is, a few weeks/days later we hear *'OMFG...I just found out he/she is having an affair. WTFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF!"*

And we feel sad for being being able to predict it. Because it's not a fun thing to be right about. 

See, the waywards have a script, but so do the betrayed.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

There was another guy's post in the General section (I won't name names), and he pretty much said some of the things we said here: wife was unhappy, wanted space, went to stay with family for awhile, and I asked him "Wonder who the guy she's seeing is?". He went all up and down on me, implying that I was insensitive, ignorant, denying that there was an A, and even told me to "Stop being an ass."

Haven't heard from him in weeks: guess the truth hit him up the side of the head like a cast iron skillet.


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## Sunny12 (May 20, 2011)

Passwords on cell and laptop. Going out after work. Being mean to me.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

F-102 said:


> There was another guy's post in the General section (I won't name names), and he pretty much said some of the things we said here: wife was unhappy, wanted space, went to stay with family for awhile, and I asked him "Wonder who the guy she's seeing is?". He went all up and down on me, implying that I was insensitive, ignorant, denying that there was an A, and even told me to "Stop being an ass."
> 
> Haven't heard from him in weeks: *guess the truth hit him up the side of the head like a cast iron skillet*.


:rofl:

I think we've all suffered some minor tongue lashings from posters who "JUST KNEW" their hub/wife would never ever do something like that to them and their family. 

It's be funny if it weren't so serious. Or maybe it is a little funny.


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

puzzleandrazzle said:


> I think a big one is refusing to look you in the eye. Sometimes it's the simple things that reveal the most.


Good point. Forgot about that one.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Hmmmmm…let’s see.

She’s just about to turn 39 when suddenly she starts hitting the gym. 
Hires a personal trainer to the tune of 240 a week.
Hires a cleaning person “to help offset the new responsibilities at work”.
Loses a lot of weight over the year.
Started question the relationship “Where do you see us in five years?”
Repeated attempts to quit smoking.
Starts buying sexier clothes because “my old ones don’t fit”
Special attention to underwear.
Suddenly starts guarding her cell phone. Tells me she has to have a lock on it since she does work email on it.
Staying up late at night playing WOW…minimizing screens when I came down to ask her if she was coming to bed.
Getting mad at me at various times for things that were WAY out of proportion.
Asking me if I was “getting it somewhere else?”

Sex was still off the table for the most part except for quickies…always at her control.
Changes in attitude towards sex. One notable one was we finished and she had not come. She looked at me and said “well sometimes you just need to get ****ed.”
She announced she was leaving a few days after.
Broke up a 15 year marriage via email.

Posts to facebook that she married the most wonderful man in the world, only to explode at me the next day because I didn’t fill the dishwasher and proceeded a tirade the likes of which I have never seen.
All in front of the kids.

“ILYBINILWY”
“I don’t know what I want anymore. “
“The thought of touching you makes me ill.”
“I feel more like roommates”
“I think I was more in love with the idea of being in love.”
“I got married too early. I have never felt like I was a real adult.” (She was 25 when we got married.)
“I don’t know if I want to be married anymore…but I still love.”
“I have been fantasizing about what I would do after you died.”

Denial of anyone else but suspicious of me.
Accompanied with longer work hours after she announced. Showering when she came home from the gym.
Sudden appearance of “friends” whom she called “Dear Friends who I have known since before you” but had NEVER mentioned once in 15 years.
These new friends would give her LOTS of advice during the divorce.

Sudden furies and irrational outbreaks.
Couldn’t look me in the eye.
Suddenly claimed to be “afraid of me.”
Sharp increase in physical assaults. “Oh that’s just more of my bad behavior.”
Phone calls that she would take outside “so she didn’t disturb us”.

Followed by three months living with each other while she waffled about leaving. Kept telling me she was afraid of losing custody of the kids.
We already agreed to 50/50.

Three weeks after she moved out, I was out riding my motorcycle at 9:15 in the morning. I went by her house and noticed a Blue Bronco in her driveway.
She claimed it was one of her co-workers helping with her plumbing.

Flowers that she said she “bought for herself”.
(OMG. What an idiot I am…

Immediate contact with family friends after we split so “she could tell her side of the story”.
Total media blitz with the story about how she needed “personal growth and we were stuck.”

Encouraging me to date alternating with the possibility of reconciliation.

A very odd outbreak when the judge told us we had to wait a few more weeks for the divorce to be final because we had been on dates with each other. 
She never swears in public but she did that day.

Telling me to date after we started a possible R.
A man being in her life just a few weeks after the divorce was final.

The list goes on, but basically she had an influence on her which caused a dramatic shift in our relationship.
I have never been able to figure it out if it was an EA or PA.

All I know is I ran into one of her co-workers and bluffed a joke about her having an affair and they shuffled nervously and confirmed that the rumors had been flying about it for a long time.
It answered just about every question I had about certain things I could get a good grasp on.

The ambivalence about R.
The screaming fits that seemed like they were meant for someone else.
All the secretive behavior.
The constant restrictions being heaped on me…starting with the physical.

I finally got confirmation on it a few months ago.
It’s easier now.

I just wanted to know what was going on.
If I had known there was someone else, I would have attacked the problem much differently. 


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

Lets see here....

She was awake, breathing and talking. This was after D-day as far as the lying went.

Prior to D-day take all the posts previous to this one, bake at 98.6 degrees for 13 years and you have your cake ala bull****!!!


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Jellybeans said:


> I don't know. My ex-H does this too. He recently told me the fourth version of one story and when I called him on it when he went silent. He was caught offguard when I told him this was the 4th different version he'd told me about 1 thing. I just looked at him and said "It doesn't matter anymore."


I have noticed that they cannot seem to face the fact that they became truly sh!tty people.

They cannot face their own level of betrayal, deceit and all around scumminess. They would have to seriously hate themselves if they took a good look. Many cheaters seriously hate the behavior they engage in but have a disconnect in their minds so they do not have to vomit every time they look in the mirror.


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

ConanHub said:


> I have noticed that they cannot seem to face the fact that they became truly sh!tty people.
> 
> They cannot face their own level of betrayal, deceit and all around scumminess. They would have to seriously hate themselves if they took a good look. Many cheaters seriously hate the behavior they engage in but have a disconnect in their minds so they do not have to vomit every time they look in the mirror.


 Yup. Mine is so disconnected that if she were to detach any more from life she'd be a ghost.


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## interesting (Oct 27, 2014)

Always texting especially late at night.
Easily annoyed with every little thing I do.
Unaffectionate.
Making excuses to avoid family events.
Showing no interest in me after I returned from being gone several days.
Disappearing to make a phone call.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

IIJokerII said:


> Yup. Mine is so disconnected that if she were to detach any more from life she'd be a ghost.


You make me smile Joker!


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Too complicated to be simplified by mere list form, some of the longest affairs have happened because everything was normal at home with the wayward conscious of not rocking the boat thus does normalcy itself become a red flag?


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

I was clueless for the most part, TAM became my saving grace, only I found TAM a little to late. Her red flags;
He is just a good friend.
We only met a few times for lunch (what I didn't know is that was per week)!
I couldn't do anything right.
He (OM) became the topic of conversations with friends.
Angry with me all the time.
Telling me how awful his wife is to OM (irony is she understands now!!!)


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

drifting on said:


> I was clueless for the most part, TAM became my saving grace, only I found TAM a little to late. Her red flags;
> He is just a good friend.
> We only met a few times for lunch (what I didn't know is that was per week)!
> I couldn't do anything right.
> ...


You might want to start your own thread for support.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Zombie thread......


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