# Need Advice



## Confused8520 (Apr 28, 2015)

My story is a long one so I'll try and cut to the chase of what my current issue is as best I can. I am 34 and my husband is 35, we have two boys ages 4 and 7. I found out about a "friend" he made at work in November and it has been a roller coaster ever since. I asked him to stop hanging out with her because I knew where it was going. Our marriage had been on the rocks for a while due to several years of constant tragedy in our lives. I could tell my husband was going through a mid life crisis of sorts and I could see the writing on the wall so I started working on myself and tried to be the person I wanted to be, especially when it came to our marriage. 

After months of suspicions, confrontations and denials, proof of messages but nothing else, I finally found proof that they had slept together at least once in December that I know of. He's spent all that time trying to cover that up in any way possible. Supposedly in March (when I found the messages) he realized what he stood to lose and stopped messaging her (which is all they were supposedly doing at that point, not sure I believe it). 

Things did seem to get better, he was more attentive with me and the kids and seemed to be happier again with our life. I still had a gut feeling which is why I kept digging and then found the evidence of them sleeping together in December (I discovered it at the end of June). He was immediately remorseful and said he's been working since March to try and move forward and he didn't tell me about them having slept together because he didn't want to lose me and he hoped we could just move forward together. 

So here is my dilemma. He still works with this woman. I know the general rule around here is that he must leave his job if we are to ever reconcile, but that is not a possibility at all. I'm sure people will say is his job worth our marriage, but at this point there is no other option. He has to stay at his job and she isn't going anywhere anytime soon as far as I can tell. He has agreed to stop being around her socially (no more lunches with coworkers if she is going, no more drinks after work if she is going, etc.) He has promised professional contact only. 

The only problem is, he doesn't want to abide by these rules forever. He seems to think that I should get to a point where I trust him enough again one day to let him go out with coworkers even if she is going. He doesn't have any other friends besides the people he works with so if he doesn't get to hang out with them, he doesn't get to hang out with anyone. And she is ALWAYS there. I know he can deal with it for a while, but can I really ask him to stop being around his friends forever? If he has no friends we are just going to end up back where we were when he cheated on me. He will be miserable and lonely all over again. We can do a lot together as a couple, but I think everyone needs friends. So how do we compromise? What do we do so that he can still be around his friends but I can be comfortable with it? At this point I don't see how it could be possible at all. And his attitude about how it shouldn't be a big deal if she is there because there are other people around blows my mind. I don't understand how he could ever think that was ok! He mentioned some hiking trip his coworkers are planning (of course she is going) so he knows he can't go right now, but hopes that one day we can get to a place where I trust him enough to let him go on trips like this. Am I wrong to think "hell no!"? I don't care how much I trust him one day, I will NEVER be ok with him going on a trip with her, EVER. And what if a work trip comes up and the two of them have to go? Even if other people went, I know I wouldn't want him to go. Is that unreasonable of me? At this point I almost feel like saying, if your social life is more important than our marriage, maybe we should just forget it. But I am still in that back and forth emotional stage so I don't know if I am thinking rationally at this point. Advice, please!


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

No, it is not unreasonable of you and it is about time your WH took full responsibility for what he has done. 

He has strung you along for a period of time. He is too young to be having a mid life crisis, he is just a self serving and selfish man who obviously doesn't have the maturity to stand up for his family and be a man when it is needed (i.e., in crisis). Do not blame yourself or circumstances for what he has done. Only he is responsible for that.

He has lied and trickle truthed you just to protect himself and save his own a** under the pretense of protecting you. His promises mean s***. He broke his wedding vows, also a promise to you. You have no reason to trust him at all and if he cannot get that into his head then your best bet would be to get a lawyer and file for divorce. In fact how do you know that this relationship has not already gone underground. A truly remorseful man would not be looking to go away on company trips with the women he cheated on his wife with!! This is bull ****! Ask him how would he feel if you were still hanging around an man you just had an affair with, I doubt if he would be so accommodating. 

Your WH is NOT remorseful because if he was he would not be the one setting the boundaries for your healing. He has lost all rights to doing that and only YOU should be calling the shots. If he really cared about you he would be bending over backwards to make it up to you instead of saying he will not abide by your rules forever. You have to nip this in the bud. he is not entitled to anything from you at all, ZERO.

You have to set the boundaries and if he wont agree then tell him as far as you are concerned they are a deal breaker, next step divorce, it really is that simple. Your WH is still cake eating by doing this to you, do not let him because it is more likely than not he will go right back to where he left off with the POSOW once he has you placated you, because that is what he is doing. Placating someone and actually giving a damn about how you really hurt them and wanting to make it up to them, are two very different things. He is already setting the boundaries for his own benefit without giving a damn about you and your wounded heart. You say" his attitude about how it shouldn't be a big deal if she is there because there are other people around blows my mind" this is clear evidence that he doesn't see the damage he has done and frankly only cares about his own feelings in all of this, classic unremorseful cheater syndrome. it is all about poor them. He minimises his affair.

Too bad if he doesn't have friends, he should have thought about the ramifications of his cheating earlier. He now has to live with the consequences. You say "he will be lonely and miserable all over again" why on earth are you so concerned about his feelings, what about yours, pls do not fall into this trap. He is in this position entirely because of his own actions, not yours.
If you give in on this you will spend your days and nights worrying about where he is, what he is up to, no one should live like that, it would be better to divorce him and have peace of mind. Tell him to get new friends, that is the price he has to pay.

1.Go 180 on his sorry ass
2. Get yourself a good lawyer and file for divorce (you don't have to go through with it, but your WH needs a reality check)
3. Get yourself some IC and surround yourself with a support network for the next half year
4. Ask him to go to MC, you will be able to see just how remorseful he is or how willing he is to make things right. If not then you really know what to do.
5. If the OW is married let her H know about this. Inform your family and friends about this, expose the affair, regardless if it is over or not, exposure will ensure it wont start again under the circumstances. Your WH has to be held accountable, you cannot do that alone. Do you have friends at his work place?
6. Ask him to read this Understanding Your Loyal Spouse | AFFAIRCARE

If he is not prepared to do the work for your marriage and is more concerned with going on trips with her and his social life, then you should just go ahead and file. I get the feeling he knows that he can 'sweet talk' you into seeing things his way by minimising, doing nice things for you for a while, etc, but that is just a facade. He needs to feel the pain and realise what he is going to lose. Confused, sorry to say it is time to be prepared to lose this marriage, it may or may not work out.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Confused8520 said:


> My story is a long one so I'll try and cut to the chase of what my current issue is as best I can. I am 34 and my husband is 35, we have two boys ages 4 and 7. I found out about a "friend" he made at work in November and it has been a roller coaster ever since. I asked him to stop hanging out with her because I knew where it was going. Our marriage had been on the rocks for a while due to several years of constant tragedy in our lives. I could tell my husband was going through a mid life crisis of sorts and I could see the writing on the wall so I started working on myself and tried to be the person I wanted to be, especially when it came to our marriage.
> 
> After months of suspicions, confrontations and denials, proof of messages but nothing else, I finally found proof that they had slept together at least once in December that I know of. He's spent all that time trying to cover that up in any way possible. Supposedly in March (when I found the messages) he realized what he stood to lose and stopped messaging her (which is all they were supposedly doing at that point, not sure I believe it).
> 
> ...


Sorry, but no. No contact means NO CONTACT.

FOREVER.



Confused8520 said:


> He doesn't have any other friends besides the people he works with so if he doesn't get to hang out with them, he doesn't get to hang out with anyone. And she is ALWAYS there.


Tell him to make new friends.



Confused8520 said:


> I know he can deal with it for a while, but can I really ask him to stop being around his friends forever?


For as long as OW is in the picture at all, yes.



Confused8520 said:


> If he has no friends we are just going to end up back where we were when he cheated on me. He will be miserable and lonely all over again. We can do a lot together as a couple, but I think everyone needs friends. So how do we compromise? What do we do so that he can still be around his friends but I can be comfortable with it?


Again, he needs to make new friends -- preferably, friends w/ whom he _doesn't_ work.



Confused8520 said:


> At this point I don't see how it could be possible at all. And his attitude about how it shouldn't be a big deal if she is there because there are other people around blows my mind. I don't understand how he could ever think that was ok! He mentioned some hiking trip his coworkers are planning (of course she is going) so he knows he can't go right now, but hopes that one day we can get to a place where I trust him enough to let him go on trips like this. Am I wrong to think "hell no!"? I don't care how much I trust him one day, I will NEVER be ok with him going on a trip with her, EVER. And what if a work trip comes up and the two of them have to go? Even if other people went, I know I wouldn't want him to go. Is that unreasonable of me? At this point I almost feel like saying, if your social life is more important than our marriage, maybe we should just forget it. But I am still in that back and forth emotional stage so I don't know if I am thinking rationally at this point. Advice, please!


You're not wrong. No contact means no contact, and it's FOREVER. If he can't abide by that, then you might as well tell him to GTFO.

Honestly, I'm not convinced that the affair is over.

Why can't he get another job?

Do you work outside the home?

What about OW? Does she have a husband or boyfriend? If so, has the affair been exposed to him?

What about the rest of your husband's work friends... are they aware of the affair?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Does he not understand that boundaries are forever? He messed up his marriage and the price he's got to pay is he can't see his friends outside work because the OW is part of the group. If he can't put his marriage -- always -- before his friends (and be grateful every minute that you gave him another chance when many wouldn't have) then you need to rethink being with someone for whom you aren't his top priority.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

OP has never returned since her initial post 12 days ago.

Therefore, I will refrain from giving any advice unless she returns.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

How are things Confused 8520?


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