# She wants speartion and i am fighting cause i dont



## dotnetdave (Aug 7, 2012)

This is my first post on here after reading quite a few different thread so though i would post my story and see if anybody out there can help me there is a longish story to this so will try to keep it short.

3 years ago i ended an affari after my wife found out etc and we did the councilling etc but only a couple of session as at the time we though we had sorted things. During this time she admitted and accepted some of the reasons as to why i had my affair and also said how much she loved me and wanted us to be together. One of the reasons was that i had felt she was too shy and not very sexually advertours after the birth of our son. So not long after getting back together we both talked and agreed to go into the swinging scene.

for around a couple of years things were brialliant, she had said things she didnt like about me and i had made steps to change as well some with success and others not so. but we were having a fantastic time and met some greta people and a particular couple how have become our closest friends.

Over the last 6 months i had started to feel and see things at parties my wife did that i wasnt entirely happy with, i mentioned them to her but she said to remember it was me who she ended up in bed with and sleeping which i accepted and was happy with with. Then in the last 4months or so at parties as started to feel like she didnt want me with her or at least when i touched her etc she shyed away from me, she put this down to just heat of the moment stuff and i thought fine.

Then over the last 3 months she was spending more time in the chat room and on msn just chatting to the point that it was every night for 3 - 4 hours. No matter wheather i sat in the room or not she didnt talk to me anymore and when i tried to i asked her to close her laptop but she persistsed. This made me feel unwanted and unneeded and i stopped doing all the changes i had made, such as going o bed together , smoking more etc. this was my way of trying to say "look at me"

2 weeks ago she dropped the bombsheel on me that she wants a separation, she isnt happy and hasnt been for a few months, she doesnt find me atrractive, i dont turn her on etc etc. I crumbleds and told her how i felt about her and how much i love her, she then went to our mutual close friend and spent several hours there before coming home. Next morning again i begged n pleaded with her etc, but all she said was it was too much too late. So on sunday night i went to see our mutual friends and poured my heart out to them saying what she meant to me etc. After an hour they said she felt all the opposite things i was saying to me.

So the wife and our son had already planned to go to relative the following week and that she needed time and space to think and not to smoother her. I talked alot with the male half of the other couple and he got me to make a lot of changes, like going to gym again, cooking\cleaning, stop smoking and face up to a lot of issues. They always said from the start they wouldnt tell the wife what i said and they wouldnt tell me what she said. So during her week again i tried so hard ot not smoother her, but there had been little sign both before and during the week that i though were hope. Still sharing a bed, her been naked, when i attempted to book a holiday she said "no, its not the right time yet" etc etc and i told the male fried all of these things i had seen

So she came back and said her feelings hadnt changed and that was it, i cried and pleaded with her, saying everything i felt and how i had changed and give me chance to prove it to her etc.

Then on monday i was chatting to the guy and something didnt feel right, so i put some software on her laptop just to see what she was saying on chat so i could gauage her feelings, I got the first report and she was chatting to him, normal stuff etc and said she could see i needed her help\support but she couldnt give it right now, which i thought was positive. Then the next report is what killed me, he started telling her the signs i had said i had scene and told her to stop them and also saying how she was doing the right thing and everything is my fault and they were proud of her and stand by her etc. Then the conversation got more sexually and the next thing is on cam he was masterbating for her and she was as well (common in the swingin scene i know) but they were talking dirty etc. I ended up going inside and saying nothing as she was getting ready for a funeral, so after she went i spoke to him and he said they just chat nothing else and then i dropped the bomb on him and told him i knew and showed him the pic.

So everything kicked off when she got back, now before this on monday i had booked to see a counciller on wednesday night and tol dher but she had said she wasnt inetrrested and we did it before and its over. On tuesday morning our "friends" txtd us both saying they were no longer going to get involved and backing out of the whoel situation (which i have to believe) since that and the wife not having a constant feed of been told what to think\do and that what she is doing is right her whole attitudt to me has changed.

We talked and i was plcid about a separation saying i wouldnt fight etc and helop her and be fair over things and our son as well as crying a lot, also she cried a lot and kept saying things like "we are doing the right thing arent we", "we will be happy after this wont we", i couldnt say yes as in my heart i wont be. So on wednesday again we talked i told her how i would fight for her and our marriage and show her the changes i had made were real and this was the kick up the backside i had needed. Again she was saying things like befor elookin for confirmation about what was happending and also said she felt heartless about not coming to counsilling and trying to save it. I gave her the option to still come and later in the day she said she though about it and wouldnt come but may in the future. She had always mentioed that my calmess and attribute to separating and been so agreedable etc had taken her back as she though i would fight for everything. So on thursday again like previous she was saying the same things to me and me to her but then in the evening i asked her ot read an article on separtion councilling, she read it on her own and then agreed that she would do it and i said can we both be open minded to it that is is niether soley about separintg or facing issues and deleaing with them to save things, which she agreed to.

Sorry this has been so long, but its as short as i could make it. please offer your advice as to what i should do as i really do love her and dont want to lose her. Since our "friends" stopped supporting her and just agreeing with everything she had said and saying it was all my fault she seems to be very confused now about this situation and i know in her heart she does still have some feelings and that i just need to get them out of her, she knows how i feel and that i will fight for her an dher marriage and not give up.


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## stupidGuy (Jul 13, 2012)

hello dotnetdave,

your in a difficult situation but I think there is some hope left. Your wife seems not to be sure whether or not she is making the right decisions. You should immediately stop to cry in front of her, stop asking her whether or not there is still hope etc. Work hard on detaching from her, continue going to the gym, meet with friends. Present as a self confident and vital man to her whenever you meet. Make her wonder what you are doing/feeling instead of telling her every move you make and every bit you feel/think. *If she asks* how you are doing, tell her something along the lines of that there are still feelings but that you are successfully working on detaching, that you feel a little better every day.

Last but not least, dont just pretend to detach but actually work towards it, it might well be the case that she is not coming back but if there is a chance it is imho by you detaching from her (at least to some extent). It will also help to balance the relationship in case of reconsiliation.

If your marriage is going to survive this, then you obviousely have to never meet/contact that other couple again. It might also be reasonable to stop going to these clubs (at least for some time)...

be strong


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## dotnetdave (Aug 7, 2012)

thanks for the advice and i am trying to do this , just breaking my heart so much, she still texts the female half of our friends but they have told both of us that they will no longer talk about the situation and give advice etc as they feel they may have caused more issue than they mean to.

we have a session with a counciller on firday now, so i have taken it a positive that she started last week been resolute to no go and it wouldnt help\change anything to the end of the week her suggesting\agreeing we go.

it really feels like since she lost the 100% support and advice that she was doing the right thing from our friends that she has mellowed and changed and does question herself more, she admited she has let her defense down a little during the week but then she goes cold again on me, but we have had some brief moments of normaility. We are sleeping in separate rooms at the moment which we both agreed and switch between who is in the main room and who is in the spare. At the moment she seems to resist letting me do certains things etc like washing\ironing her stuff but i have tried to ask to just let me

i am trying so hard to make positive changes and let her see the chnages without saying anything, and sometimes she does and other she goes cold. She had said she felt like this 2 montsh ago but has done nothing since to plan for this, also she saw a solicotr for 30mins free for advice and again since nothing has happen. It almost like she has gone so far but then stops and does nothing etc i am just so emtionaly stuck as to what to say\do how to act etc


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You do realize your wife is having an affair with at least the OM if not the OM his Wife and other people from the scene right?

This is the core of what is happening here. You are being dumped by her so she can continue her affair without you being baggage.

Did you show the "friends" wife the chat and the evidence of what he did? 

These things you are changing, while positive, aren't the cure for the marriage. You wife ending her affair(s) is. 

Your investigating revealed you were being played by these "not-friends" and lied to repeatedly by your wife. So while you're busy changing, they are laughing at you wasting your time, because it's your wife's desire to be with her OM that is causing this push away by her and her seeking divorce. You might be into swinging, but she's behaving exactly like a monogamous person who is cheating.


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## dotnetdave (Aug 7, 2012)

shaggy, part of me has thought that and at least for the last 3- 4 months she has been doing that with him and he has told me that she has said how lonely, unhappy she has been and just wanted company hence the online chatting etc.

in terms of the scene and been baggage i have never stopped her from anything and actively enoucrage the fun we have both had together at parties we have hosted and friends parties.

i havent shown the friends wife the chat and pictures yet and the wife things i have deleted them but i still have them. The wife was very very concenred about me not telling his wife and\or shoing her etc and that if i did it would destroy their marriage as well which made me suspiouse abou tthings. 

As i have said our "friends" have stopped giving advice and support since a week ago to her and me and now she has changed a lot in her attirbute and demeaner etc, such as the case in point about councilling which i have taken as a positive sign. Like i mentioned she has done nothing practical in taking steps to sepearte etc regarding the situation and just appears scared n frightned or getting hurt by me all over again.

i hear what your saying about her cheating etc and i also do udnerstand the things she has said and taking a good long look at myself i admit i screwed up. I did become lazy and stop working on the emotional side of things with her and instead just rebelled. but by god am i fighting to win her back now


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