# How/When to tell my husband I cheated on him.........



## dazedconfused (Nov 6, 2010)

Hello,
I have another thread going at the moment in the same forums.... heres the link if you need more info.......
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/19066-i-cheated-my-husband-now-what.html

Basically we have been together 6 years, married 3 and have been in a basically sexless marriage for a while as I started losing romantic/sexual feeling towards my husband a while ago, I have admitted this to my husband and although we are eachothers 'best mates' the sex is gone. We do a fair bit of nit picking/arguing because of the frustrations.......

In a nutshell about 3 weeks ago my husband & I were out at the races, had an argument during the day & when leaving I jumped on the bus to take us home & ended up next to an attractive & really friendly german guy..... ended up adding him on facebook & talked on there, just friendly chit chat & he told me he would like to see me again so I ended up seeing him twice & we slept together. 

I had a great emotional & physical attraction to the OM however ended things a few days ago, have removed his number & him from my facebook cutting off all contact as I know I did the wrong thing & can't try to heal my marriage while still involved with someone else....... was hard to do but i've done it.

My husband has no idea about me sleeping with the OM and we are due to start marriage counselling on Thursday (it's Tuesday afternoon now)....

My question is do I tell my husband before we go to the counselling or do I tell him during our sessions? I just dont know how to go about this & what I should do.

Any of you also think I shouldnt mention the situation at all? Im leaning towards telling him so need some advice. 

Thanks in advance

(Sorry to some of you if I sound so blunt about this, it is an upsetting situation for me too, however I just need to give you the facts so I can get some opinions)

We have agreed


----------



## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

Tell him and tell him why.
Don't spring it on him in counseling.


----------



## dazedconfused (Nov 6, 2010)

Okay, thanks I just wasn't sure how to approach the situation as I only ended it a few days ago & we are going to marriage counselling in a couple of days so have been trying to figure out what to say & how


----------



## Dowjones (Sep 16, 2010)

Sooner is far better than later. The longer you wait to tell him, or if you tell him a little at a time, his mistrust of you will increase.


----------



## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

If you tell him before counseling, he may see that you are sorry and want to save your marriage, in short, you are being sincere. If you tell him during counseling, he may feel that the counselor said something that made you feel too guilty or that they pried it out of you, and he may think that you had no intention of telling him, and that you may have no plans to be honest with him later.


----------



## disbelief (Oct 31, 2010)

If you are honest and up front it shows you want to be truthful. Not answering questions will increase his doubt his mistrust and negative feeling around the situation, at least that is my experience.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## dazedconfused (Nov 6, 2010)

Well guys i'm back and I confessed to my husband today, was so stressed out leading up to it, shakey all morning, trying to find 'the right time' to tell him, I figured no time was going to feel right to tell him terrible news so I just had to bite the bullet & tell him......

He was absolutely devastated..... disbelief was the first reaction then straight into the anger & wanting to know details etc.....

He actually told me he would have rathered not known but I really couldnt live with a lie, it was eating me up inside. I also came across something someone wrote on a forum (not sure if it was this one) but they basically said that because my husband has done no wrong, he deserves to have a choice with what to do with our relationship. BINGO! I have done wrong, therefore I don't have the right to lie to him and choose what happens with us also. 

I do have to admit one thing though, he thinks it only happened once, not twice. He does know everything else though, he also knows that it was a pre-meditated meeting & knows who the OM is etc...... I honestly think after seeing his reaction & having been truthful with everything (else) that I will leave it there. I am not going to tell him of the 2nd time as this wasnt just a drunken one night stand it was a sober, pre-planned meeting which he knows....... so he knows that the whole situation wasnt just some drunken accident, it was a big mistake but not an accident

I think it would be a different story if i lead him to believe it was a drunken one night stand but I think telling him it wasnt & that I knew exactly what I was doing is enough? I have cut off all contact with the OM & the only two encounters we had occurred within a 4 day period then I ended it.

Thoughts??

(Also we are off to marriage counselling tomorrow)


----------



## Dowjones (Sep 16, 2010)

D & C, you are making a HUGE mistake!! You have started out good, by being honest, but now you are backsliding and withholding all of the info he needs. If you truly want to have an honest, loving marriage, you can't base it on half-truths and evasion. For your own sake as well as his, TELL ALL!!


----------



## dazedconfused (Nov 6, 2010)

That's all I am going to say, I think what I said is enough & I am glad I said something at all.

I could have easily gotten away with not telling him anything, however I didn't.

All situations are different and I feel that I have done the right thing, especially after he said he would rather have not known at all. I would have only been digging the dagger in deeper.


----------



## dblkman (Jul 14, 2010)

Well consider the consequences if he did find out about the 2nd PA, it will feel just as deeply cut as the first one. You say you could have easily gotten away with it, how many times have others thought that very same thing and somehow it came out. It might take months or even years but you can best believe that it WILL come out! Better safe than sorry later.


----------



## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

You had the chance to come completely clean and you didn't? Think about this. He said he would have rather not known. I am sure that is true. But things have changed. And this may/will change him. First off, you can't be trusted. That is now at the forefront of his mind. You have no idea how that will play on his emotions. You really don't think that he could start to investigate on his own? He may not want to know more. But he may also not be able to help himself either. Your hope is that he will be as willing to rug sweep what you have done as easily as you have. This may not be true. 

I want you to know that right now, he is taking inventory of your time and attention. He will think of when you were out of his sight. And what or who you were doing while you were. You think you have dodged a bullet. You may have. But it is just as likely, if not more, that you have laid a land mine. Because the next time he finds out he won't look at you like you made a "mistake" (like you went over on your checking account). He will look at it like you are still a lying cheating spouse, who can never be trusted again. *REMEMBER, LYING ABOUT CHEATING IS THE SAME AS CHEATING AGAIN, BECAUSE IT IS A NEW EVENT.* But hey I could be wrong. It could cost you everything if I'm not.


----------



## Dowjones (Sep 16, 2010)

dazedconfused said:


> That's all I am going to say, I think what I said is enough & I am glad I said something at all.
> 
> I could have easily gotten away with not telling him anything, however I didn't.
> 
> All situations are different and I feel that I have done the right thing, especially after he said he would rather have not known at all. I would have only been digging the dagger in deeper.


D&C, "trickle truth", has caused as many divorces as the original affairs.. Why would you jeopardize all of your progress, at this point? He nay not have wanted to know, originally, but you can bet that he will be investigating, now and remember he now knows the OM's Name. What if he contacts him, or what if the OM spills the beans on the second encounter? It will look like you are still keeping secrets from him and continuing to lie. Really bad idea.!!!


----------



## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Dowjones said:


> D&C, "trickle truth", has caused as many divorces as the original affairs.. Why would you jeopardize all of your progress, at this point? He nay not have wanted to know, originally, but you can bet that he will be investigating, now and remember he now knows the OM's Name. What if he contacts him, or what if the OM spills the beans on the second encounter? It will look like you are still keeping secrets from him and continuing to lie. Really bad idea.!!!


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

This was done to me for an extended period of time. 

Very toxic to have to go through this.

Rip off the scab all at once. Much better for going forward.


----------



## Wolf359 (Jun 10, 2010)

Dowjones said:


> D&C, "trickle truth", has caused as many divorces as the original affairs.. Why would you jeopardize all of your progress, at this point? He nay not have wanted to know, originally, but you can bet that he will be investigating, now and remember he now knows the OM's Name. What if he contacts him, or what if the OM spills the beans on the second encounter? It will look like you are still keeping secrets from him and continuing to lie. Really bad idea.!!!





michzz said:


> :iagree::iagree::iagree:
> 
> This was done to me for an extended period of time.
> 
> ...


Please try not to do, "trickle truth" on him. It hurts way way worse and destroys all trust. Tell him everything now,so he will not pester you, and look and find more info. I know he is thinking, there is a lot more, you are not saying. In the end, it all comes out, and you look worse for it. Just my 2 cents. 


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


----------



## dazedconfused (Nov 6, 2010)

Thanks everyone for the input but I know my situation & will not be saying anything further.


----------



## Dowjones (Sep 16, 2010)

dazedconfused said:


> Thanks everyone for the input but I know my situation & will not be saying anything further.


Good luck with the continued deception. It just shows that you really are not committed to an honest marriage, so I expect you had better have a good divorce lawyer handy, and BTW, you will probably cheat again because you haven't learned your lesson, yet.


----------



## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

dazedconfused said:


> Well guys i'm back and I confessed to my husband today, was so stressed out leading up to it, shakey all morning, trying to find 'the right time' to tell him, I figured no time was going to feel right to tell him terrible news so I just had to bite the bullet & tell him......
> 
> He was absolutely devastated..... disbelief was the first reaction then straight into the anger & wanting to know details etc.....
> 
> ...



For me, honesty is always the best policy. What happens if that’s not the case? Well, the original deceit is covered by lies. Then the original lies are covered by … yet more lies and deceits.

And what happens after that? Well, the person becomes a “habitual liar”.

Is that the end of the story and the only consequence? No way. A person who habitually deceives and lies loses ALL of their CREDIBILITY and INTEGRITY.

What is the consequential loss of a person with no personal credibility and integrity? NOBODY, let alone your husband believes a word a person without personal credibility and credibility says EVEN IF THEY ARE TELLING THE TRUTH.

So in effect, nobody can believe a word you are saying even if it is the truth.

Of course you have already lost your personal credibility and integrity with your husband. He probably doesn’t believe a word you say. If you value your personal credibility and integrity then of course you will tell him the whole truth … and nothing but the truth no matter the personal consequences to you. If you do not value credibility and integrity then you will continue to lie and deceive.

With either choice you make you will very much likely continue to live your whole life that way.

To make that clear to you. You will either live your life with personal credibility and integrity or you will live your life as a liar and deceiver. This is for you as they say “One of Life’s Big Choices”. Which path you choose through your life is quite obviously up to you. Credibility and integrity is indeed a personal choice.

I hope you’ve learnt from the above.

Bob


----------



## josh1081 (Jul 10, 2009)

Dowjones said:


> Good luck with the continued deception. It just shows that you really are not committed to an honest marriage, so I expect you had better have a good divorce lawyer handy, and BTW, you will probably cheat again because you haven't learned your lesson, yet.



Agree completely
unfortunately because it's not an opinion, but something on here with a pretty strong track record. Hope for the best but keep your fingers crossed he doesn't find out more. 
I'd forgiven my wife's transgressions until a month later I found out there was alot more I wasn't being told and that'd put me on a year long emotional roller coaster.
Like I said, keep your fingers crossed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Workingitout (Sep 27, 2010)

My wife told me she "kissed a guy" during her rehab stay. I asked questions. She elaborated. It didn't make complete sense. The facts not adding up was emotionally torturing me. I confronted her. It scared her because she felt I knew something, somehow (recording phone conversations, contacting people from rehab, etc). It was mere speculation but I was convincing. 

She revealed much, much more! It killed me inside to hear what I heard, but I'm glad she was finally honest. She was happy that she purged her conscience. The guilt, shame and secrets were overwhelming to her. 

We don't have the BS lies & secrets hidden in our history. We can now move forward and improve our marriage based on a clean slate.


----------



## Mrs Chai (Sep 14, 2010)

Do you not want to tell him because you fear he will not forgive you for it? Unless he reacted violently, I don't see why you should have any fear of being honest. You were doing so well by telling him and now you backtracking - lying to him when its most important to be completely open and honest...


----------



## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

To the OP I wouldn't have said anything at all!! I've outlined the reasons many times before in a nutshell once all of the damage has been tallied more often than not it's just better not to know. 

I've stated many times if it's a one night stand or some half drunk mistake DON'T TELL ME!! Why screw up my utopia because you feel guilty. 

Best of luck to you and your situation!! I wouldn't say anything about the 2nd time just refocus on the marriage and move on!


----------



## cubsfn (Sep 23, 2010)

I wouldn't have said anything either, in my opinion all you did was clear your concisious ... if my wife cheated on me, I wouldn't want to know frankly.


----------



## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

cubsfn said:


> if my wife cheated on me, I wouldn't want to know frankly.


I disagree with this. While I did not want to know my wife cheated--I HAD TO KNOW the truth. Painful has it has been, it was the best path to pursue.

Sheltering a spouse from the truth has been offensive to me in my own life. Why? Because all of us deserve to decide how to live, who to live with, what to do with our lives based on reality, not fiction designed to "spare" us or to designed to continue a deception.


----------



## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

michzz said:


> I disagree with this. While I did not want to know my wife cheated--I HAD TO KNOW the truth. Painful has it has been, it was the best path to pursue.
> 
> Sheltering a spouse from the truth has been offensive to me in my own life. Why? Because all of us deserve to decide how to live, who to live with, what to do with our lives based on reality, not fiction designed to "spare" us or to designed to continue a deception.


I'm a firm believer in ignorance is bliss when it comes to ONS or one time mistakes in life. Principles being what they are read the forum and the pain, pain, pain, hate it, can't get over it, depressed, hate him, hate her, MC, more MC, often it would have been so much better to not know.

The rift is often too much to bear and requires years of repair for what was just a few minutes, hours, or days of poor choices. Clearly not worth it imo. Spouses hide little white lies all the time I don't want to know everything my spouse is thinking the good, the bad, and the ugly. 

This only applies to remorseful spouses that have stopped the affair and want to refocus on the marriage. I also don't believe all affairs are the same all are different. 

Good luck to the OP give us a update.


----------



## Dowjones (Sep 16, 2010)

Funny how it's always the doormice , who say don't tell.


----------



## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

Dowjones said:


> Funny how it's always the doormice , who say don't tell.


Lost me:scratchhead: Everyone is different for the record I DON'T WANT TO KNOW


----------



## Workingitout (Sep 27, 2010)

My marriage is so different now (post affair). We have a completely open, honest, transparent relationship. We don't even do the "white lie" stuff anymore. It's what intimacy is all about. Much prefer it.


----------



## jamesa (Oct 22, 2010)

Dowjones said:


> Funny how it's always the doormice , who say don't tell.


I say don't tell and I am far from a doormouse. 

It depends on the situation, if it is ongoing or there are major issues in the marriage it is a no-brainer, but if it is a mistake that you have no intention of repeating and you can live with not telling then I think that it is sometimes selfish to tell your partner. To assuage your guilt you hurt them forever.


----------



## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

Workingitout said:


> My marriage is so different now (post affair). We have a completely open, honest, transparent relationship. We don't even do the "white lie" stuff anymore. It's what intimacy is all about. Much prefer it.


That's awesome!! Just for clarity by "white lie" I don't mean lieing I mean sharing every little thought. No one is 100% open about everything every feeling, every aggravation, every want, or need. It's impossible. 

That's awesome for you guys!! There are exceptions, but for many on this forum the story line does not read the same.

Best of luck to you, your wife, and renewed love.


----------



## Dowjones (Sep 16, 2010)

jamesa said:


> I say don't tell and I am far from a doormouse.
> 
> It depends on the situation, if it is ongoing or there are major issues in the marriage it is a no-brainer, but if it is a mistake that you have no intention of repeating and you can live with not telling then I think that it is sometimes selfish to tell your partner. To assuage your guilt you hurt them forever.


This is the oldest excuse in the book. I won't tell my SO because it will hurt them. It frees you from being honest and makes you feel noble all at the same time. Some people will do anything to avoid paying the bill . You hurt them by cheating, not by being honest.


----------

