# can it work?



## past mistakes (Sep 23, 2011)

My wife and i have been married for 9 years. We knew each other for 18 months before we got married. Twelve of those months i was deployed to another country where i cheated with two different women. I was 20 years old at that time. When i returned from my deployment we got married and immediately got pregnant. six months later i told her about my indescretions only after she kept insisting that i was hiding something from her. From that point she has never trusted me. We had two more children since then. She has stated several times that she wants a divorce and i have told her that i dont want a divorce and i want us to work out our relationship. It has been pretty much like that for nine years with few and far between bouts of peacefulness.

I had unprotected sex while i was on that deployment and she requires me to get a physical every year to determine if i have any STD's. Well this year i get my physical a week ago and i didnt ask for the full on blood work to check for STD's ( i didnt either last year and i had to go back and get them done) and she told me that she is through with worry about her health becuase she is still sleeping with me. She said we are only together for the kids. She wants to sleep in separate rooms at home and she doesn't want me to see her naked anymore. She said "she's not going to ask me about my personal life anymore because as long as were not sleeping together its not her business"

I desparately want to mend my relationship with my wife but she has said she doesnt want it to work out......so can it work out? Can one person will a marriage to work out if the other person is dead set against it?


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

past mistakes said:


> I desparately want to mend my relationship with my wife but she has said she doesnt want it to work out......so can it work out? Can one person will a marriage to work out if the other person is dead set against it?


The short answer to this is unfortunately - no. If she's dead set against working on your marriage there isn't much you can do. What you can do is make some decisions of your own based on her position. Personally I wouldn't live that way. I grew up in a house where I believe my parents stayed together just for my brother and I. They did a great job of providing a loving home and I never suspected anything was amiss until I was an adult, but as an adult I've had to spend some time rewriting my idea of a successful and happy marriage cause I didn't see it growing up. There are worse things than divorce, even for kids. If she's totally over the marriage and refuses to work on it I'd start divorce proceedings. While there is no guarantee of this, you may find it's just the impetus to get her to realize you might actually leave and get her to work on the marriage - word of caution - don't bluff on this - only start down the D road if you mean it. 

Fundamentally if your wife has checked out your marriage is over regardless. You might as well try to separate amicably and move on.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

sigma1299 said:


> The short answer to this is unfortunately - no.
> 
> Fundamentally if your wife has checked out your marriage is over regardless. You might as well try to separate amicably and move on.


Sigma nailed it.


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## past mistakes (Sep 23, 2011)

Thank you for your posts. We haven't ever actually tried couple counseling so i am going to see if she is willing to try that before i even consider ending it. We've been together for nine years and she has know the entire time that i cheated before we got married. If she wanted to it to really be over wouldnt she have left by now....


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

If you haven't tied counseling I would definitely give it a shot. A change like divorce is so scary and intimidating to some people that they would endure almost any hellish known to avoid stepping off into the unknown. Others will vow to stay in a marriage for "the kids" at all cost, which while a noble sentiment and kids should always be a serious factor, may not always be the best answer for the H, W or kids. My parents I think fall into this latter category. Some people still just don't care and will hang out until the other person gets feed up and leaves. 

I would sure give counseling a shot first. Hopefully she'll be open to it.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

past mistakes said:


> From that point she has never trusted me.
> 
> *She has stated several times that she wants a divorce *and i have told her that i dont want a divorce and i want us to work out our relationship. It has been pretty much like that for nine years with few and far between bouts of peacefulness.
> 
> *I desparately want to mend my relationship with my wife but she has said she doesnt want it to work out......so can it work out? **Can one person will a marriage to work out if the other person is dead set against it*?


No. One person alone cannot "will" a marriage to work. And one person alone cannot restore/repair/have a marriage.

If she wants out, as hard as it is, and it sound slike she's been saying so forever, you need to open up the door of your heart and let her go.

It sounds like she never forgave you and/or accepted that you cheated on her & has resented you since. 9 years is a long time to have wasted (both of you) if only one person wanted the marriage.

You are both better off w/o without eachother since you have fundamentally differences (she wants to be divorced, you want to be married). Youa re both doing yourselves a disservice by staying together in name only. 

This isn't a healthy relationship.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

past mistakes said:


> If she wanted to it to really be over wouldnt she have left by now....


She is already gone.


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