# In circles



## Tina12345 (May 16, 2013)

My husband and I have three children, one of which is his. We have been married for four years. I am breaking down again today after It seemed like I've had it all together the last couple weeks.

I have always had this gut feeling my husband is cheating on me. Finally I decided to do some looking and stop ignoring this horrible feeling. I got into his old email that I found and saw he had this account through a social feed, so i got into it. I found he posted a picture of his penis with his caption asking if anyone was in his area (this is when he was out of town). He also commented on several nude pictures of girls, asking them if they want to video chat and commenting on their bodies and what he'd like to do to them. He also "liked" about 4500 pictures of woman. I also noticed that he has had this account for a year and a half.
I didn't say anything for a week, but after he could sense something was wrong with me, I broke down and told him. 

His explanation was that he was drunk, our marriage has never been great and we have never been best friends. While I realized our marriage hasn't been that great due to his anger while he drinks, screaming and acting a fool and built up resentment on my part, I think there is no excuse. I haven't been all that happy and I didn't go do something like this. 

I know since I have found this, chances are he probably has cheated on me. I would also like to add that he is very much on the defensive side if I ask him anything regarding anything that could lead up to his whereabouts or even when I bring up what I found. From the beginning he cant keep his eyes off of other woman. His countless hide it, clean it up, distroy "catch" and history, video chat apps. Its all right in front of me that this man is obsessed with sex. He wants it all the time from me and honestly I see his character and I DONT want to have sex. It has always been about it and i am tired of it. In the past I have had sex with him, even at the times I didn't feel like it. I am for the most part done. I feel like all this time I was seeking his approval and love, I was not getting it because he was giving his attention elsewhere. 

The number one thing that turns me off is a man who will stick his thing anywhere, and when a man seems to only care about sex. I feel like I just don't care about this marriage anymore. Yeah I love sex but not that much where I will hurt my family.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

I'd advise posting on the 'coping with infidelity' section for this. Those folks have endured what you are and much worse (if you can imagine that). They also have great tricks for digging up more dirt.

I myself have been where you are, and worse as well. I'm glad you're not letting the 'I was drunk' comment fly, because that's not an excuse. Drunk or sober, we are all responsible for our actions.

Judging by the way you describe him, he is done with the marriage as well, at least done with all of it but the sex. You are done as well. Either get some marriage councelling or throw in the towel. Work to make the marriage better or go find someone who can make you happy. Only do it right, not like how he did it.

Btw, if he's defensive about you asking some questions immediately after you caught him, he's either cheating or holds little regards for you, or both. A spouse who really wants to make things work would apologize and open everything up to be exposed, not blame booze and get defensive.

Also, did you have a specific question, or did you just need to vent? Either way is fine, I just want to know if you have something in particular you need to address.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Do you love your husband? Do you want to stay married? If he leaves the boy behind to become a man, do you want HIM? How old is he?


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## Tina12345 (May 16, 2013)

kingsfan said:


> I'd advise posting on the 'coping with infidelity' section for this. Those folks have endured what you are and much worse (if you can imagine that). They also have great tricks for digging up more dirt.
> 
> 
> 
> ...





He says he want to be together and if we don't try we will walk away with regret. He has every excuse in the book. He has always been defensive about things. One little question and he gets attitude. I think he wants this marriage but he has sex obsessions and want other woman too, honestly! He says its not fair if I bring the account up. And I need to just take his word for it. He has shown sympathy once by crying but I think its just because he got caught. Yes I need opinions or assurance that i am not crazy. Because my husband says not all woman would handle it like me. Although I believe I have handled it well. I have been mostly silent and dealing with it on my own because he cant talk about it. Thanks


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## Tina12345 (May 16, 2013)

MrBrains said:


> Do you love your husband? Do you want to stay married? If he leaves the boy behind to become a man, do you want HIM? How old is he?






He is 28. What boy are you referring to though? We have a little girl together. I do love him but I feel like that doesn't matter. I am not willing to share my husband. I feel like I will probably find something more later on. I feel like my feelings and respect for him are leaving. 

I also snooped through his phone last night and saw a text from a ex-coworker. It said "I love you, I will call soon". And my husband replied "I love you too sweetheart". The odd thing is, this is a man my husband use to work with! I confronted my husband and he said it was just a joke to each other. It could very well be them just joking.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Tina12345 said:


> He says he want to be together and if we don't try we will walk away with regret. He has every excuse in the book. He has always been defensive about things. One little question and he gets attitude. I think he wants this marriage but he has sex obsessions and want other woman too, honestly! He says its not fair if I bring the account up. And I need to just take his word for it. He has shown sympathy once by crying but I think its just because he got caught. Yes I need opinions or assurance that i am not crazy. Because my husband says not all woman would handle it like me. Although I believe I have handled it well. I have been mostly silent and dealing with it on my own because he cant talk about it. Thanks


It is fair for you to bring the account up. What wasn't fair was for him to create it in the first place and post his junk all over the internet.

And I'll wager he cried because he got caught, but more so because he's scared for what getting caught could mean.

And not talking about it is not handling it well. Go talk to someone, a pastor, a counsellor, a family member, an old friend, someone. You need to let it out. Even talking out loud to the family dog helps, just because you can actually let it out (though don't do it in public or people think you're nuts).

Dump it all on here if you want, write a long, detailed explaination. A lot fo good folks here who wouldn't know you from a hole in the ground that have walked in your shoes to give advice.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Tina12345 said:


> My husband and I have three children, one of which is his. We have been married for four years. I am breaking down again today after It seemed like I've had it all together the last couple weeks.
> 
> I have always had this gut feeling my husband is cheating on me. Finally I decided to do some looking and stop ignoring this horrible feeling. I got into his old email that I found and saw he had this account through a social feed, so i got into it. I found he posted a picture of his penis with his caption asking if anyone was in his area (this is when he was out of town). He also commented on several nude pictures of girls, asking them if they want to video chat and commenting on their bodies and what he'd like to do to them. He also "liked" about 4500 pictures of woman. I also noticed that he has had this account for a year and a half.
> I didn't say anything for a week, but after he could sense something was wrong with me, I broke down and told him.
> ...



You are taking care of three kids. That is a job in itself.

He's viewed pics of many women and chatted with some of them.

It turns you off he has done this.

Does it mean he went out and had many PA's? No. It could just be pics and chatting.

I'm not justifying his behavior and the hurt you're going through. But since he is obviously HD, are you LD?

If he needs sex often and you not so much, feels like duty sex to you, etc. was a 50 / 50 compromise reached and kept?

If he wants sex every day and you could have sex 2x month, did you meet at sex every 2nd day, say 3 to 4x each and every week?

All men including myself look at other women. If I see a hot woman walking down the street, I will look. Men are very visual and have much higher sex drives. Does that mean I would run over, talk with her and have sex? No. It's just looking. Women are just as bad as men.

For me, I need sex often. I occasionally view porn and relieve myself because my LD wifee won't do anything about her sex drive. If my sexually needs were met, I wouldn't look at porn or other women that much.

Don't know if this will help you but when I first got married, my wifee was already LD and we were having sex once every 2 - 5 weeks due to her insecurities. This went on for many months and years and I started viewing porn and chatting with many women. I never ran out and had sex with them and it was just me being sexually starved and lonely. I even told my wife and I said to her, I will go cold turkey but I expect a much higher sex drive on your part in return. At first the sex was average in frequency but then she went back to her old ways again. So I started chatting and viewing porn again. I have given it all up as of many years ago and only occasional porn when I'm really in the mood. As a result, her LD over the 13+ years of marriage has left me sexually starved and I no longer initiate sex with her and I'm partially done. Again, don't know if this will help you.

HD Men or women don't do these things to hurt their spouses. It's usually from a lack of sex over a long time period, it builds and then you know the rest.


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## Tina12345 (May 16, 2013)

CuddleBug said:


> You are taking care of three kids. That is a job in itself.
> 
> He's viewed pics of many women and chatted with some of them.
> 
> ...



well thank you but no that doesn't help. Porn is bad for marriages, your focus is no longer on your wife but on more beautiful woman that your wife will probably never look like. You took an oath and you broke that. There is no excuses and blaming here except a flaw in your character and values. I will tell you what you've done to your wife. But you can easily do your own research on how porn hurts wives. For one it makes them very insecure and they start comparing them to those woman your watching and they feel inadequate. Also, their heart will grow farther and farther from you and sex will decrease even more. Woman love a man who they can respect, the more we respect you, the more we want you. I see the porn viewing as a weak man with not much self control or respect for his wife. He values his needs more than his wife. Will, I hope that helped you. My husband and I HAD sex almost every day. And now it is about twice a week. I think the lack of sex is not a great excuse and is not the issue here. It is his flaw in his character and a problem in my eyes.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Are you sure the "I love you" texts were to a man? Because its not unusual to hide an affair partner's phone number under a "same sex" friend's name in your phone book.

C


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## Tina12345 (May 16, 2013)

PBear said:


> Are you sure the "I love you" texts were to a man? Because its not unusual to hide an affair partner's phone number under a "same sex" friend's name in your phone book.
> 
> C


I *67 the number. It was an ex co worker and is confirmed a male


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## Sunny Days (Jan 26, 2013)

Tina12345 said:


> well thank you but no that doesn't help. Porn is bad for marriages, your focus is no longer on your wife but on more beautiful woman that your wife will probably never look like. You took an oath and you broke that. There is no excuses and blaming here except a flaw in your character and values. I will tell you what you've done to your wife. But you can easily do your own research on how porn hurts wives. For one it makes them very insecure and they start comparing them to those woman your watching and they feel inadequate. Also, their heart will grow farther and farther from you and sex will decrease even more. Woman love a man who they can respect, the more we respect you, the more we want you. I see the porn viewing as a weak man with not much self control or respect for his wife. He values his needs more than his wife. Will, I hope that helped you. My husband and I HAD sex almost every day. And now it is about twice a week. I think the lack of sex is not a great excuse and is not the issue here. It is his flaw in his character and a problem in my eyes.


Couldn't agree with you more. Similar situation and exactly how I see it. Thanks for sharing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

I meant you husband is acting like a boy. He needs to man up. You want him to be a man right? After reading your other posts I think you have several problems that need attention. He's got a lot of real issues to correct and looking at porn is the last on the list. That's fantasy and he is not ever comparing you to the look of porn stars. He's killing your self esteem. Id lay off of him for the porn for now and focus on the possibility of an affair. These texts are a concern. Get the number that these are going to, pay no attention to the name, and make sure he's not playing around with his buddy. Stay calm. Do not loose you cool. Alerting a drunk that your checking up on him could be dangerous. Have a plan and stick to it.


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