# Question for ladies: how bad is this example of being self-conscious



## Hurra (Sep 13, 2009)

My wife who looks like she is in great shape usually wears a night gown to bed. A few nights it was so hot and our AC was not working that I've been lying on top of the bed sheets in my underwear. She has been on top of the sheets too but in her clothes, like shorts and shirts etc. She won't wear her night gown to bed for fear that I may see private parts. She was doing this all week and I finally got a new AC unit and she is back to a night gown. Am I suppose to accept this?? Because I feel pretty bad that my own wife doesn't have faith in me or something. I compliment her on a regular basis but he just says whatever. It also impacts our sex life horribly. She is the looker in our relationship, not me so I am not intimidating in the slightest.

What do the ladies think?


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

Are you saying that you don't see each other naked? How long have you been married? That's really really strange to me.

You never shower together or anything? Or is there "baby damage" that she ashamed of or something like that?

You should just ask her why she doesn't want you to see her naked, but maybe preface with "you so beautiful, why you don't want me to see you in the buff?"

I'm 7 months pregnant and think I look like a fat pig over most of my body, but my belly is not humongous yet. But I parade it in front of my H anyway, we been married for 8 years so what the heck.


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

How do you have sex if you can't see her private parts?

It's not really clear if this is a self-esteem issue on her part or something else. Have you asked her?


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## Hurra (Sep 13, 2009)

We have no kids. She thinks her bum is big but it's more normal than anything. She just says she is not comfortable. She was more comfortable before marriage. I rarely see my wife naked. I on the other hand strut around naked all the time, mostly to make a point. And maybe to excite her but to no avail.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

maybe she feels now that she's a wife she should be more "proper"?
Who knows why women do the things they do half the time.It's possible she's acting on some vibe she got off you at some point which probably wasn't a vibe at all but more likely a projection of how she feels about herself placed onto you.

Confused yet?

I imagine it's not so much an issue of comfort rather than an issue of not wanting to encourage physical contact.

or it could be the old fall back of not feeling emotionally safe with you for whatever reason and now she's covering up and closing off.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

I still say you should just ask her.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I used to be self conscious about my body for YEARS into our marriage... I always wanted the light dim, If I was naked, I might be a little embarrassed - and cover myself.. even though I liked when he grabbed me.. his teasing..

But he NEVER really tried to get me to OPEN up here.. he just allowed me to be comfortable... 

Looking back... I can see how utterly ridiculous this was.. Besides Pregnancy, those were my best years physically and I was hiding my body from my husband...

I would consider myself 'sexually repressed" back then...loved sex but yet felt it should be "hidden" or something... hard to explain as this is out the window now... I wanted a sheet over us.. we didn't talk about it ... Yeah... Open the subject up!! 

Do you feel any religious thinking has her hindered here? If her sex drive is really low, she may not want to give you ideas dressing more skimpy... When I got frisky in the past... I felt more liberated suddenly to slip something on and see his eyes light up plus it made me feel sexier.....I was always REALLY in the mood when I did that. 

Just my thoughts from someone who can identify some to what you are saying about your wife.


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## LoveAtDaisys (Jul 3, 2013)

I sleep clothed usually. It's partially a comfort thing, and partially because my dogs sleep in my room and I'm weirded out by the idea of sleeping naked with them on the bed. I have a pretty rockin' bod if I do say so myself (and I do!); I just prefer to wear something to bed.

It may just take her time to get comfortable with sleeping less clothed around you. Also, you don't say; are you just assuming no sex when she wears clothes to bed and aren't initiating? It may be that the clothes are less of a barrier than you realize  But the more you two are together and you let her know that you love her body the more confident she will get.


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## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

When we first got married...I mean the first week...the hubs gave me a real look-over, if you get my drift. It was SO embarrassing but I allowed it because he was my husband.

As he explored he kept telling me how beautiful I was and how much I turned him on.

That pretty much cured any resistance to remain unseen.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

LonelyinLove said:


> When we first got married...I mean the first week...the hubs gave me a real look-over, if you get my drift. If was SO embarrassing but I allowed it because he was my husband.
> 
> As he explored he kept telling me how beautiful I was and how much I turned him on.
> 
> That pretty much cured any resistance to remain unseen.


This! OP maybe you can try undress her? Just get your sweet talk game on if she resist?


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

I personally sleep in clothes/PJ's all the time and its just me in the bed. Maybe you wife is just a little up tight about being seeing nakes. Think of fun was to get her clothes off


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## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

I sleep in pretty lingerie on Friday and Saturday, t- shirts on weekdays because I go to bed and get up way earlier then DH.

Unless I'm getting a visit from Aunt Flo, I do not wear underwear. I've made it clear to the hubs that an, um, open door policy exists....


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

LonelyinLove said:


> I sleep in pretty lingerie on Friday and Saturday, t- shirts on weekdays because I go to bed and get up way earlier then DH.



Sounds like my wife.

During the week she sleeps in very little clothing.
But Weekends are _lingerie nights._


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## MiseryIsHere (Jun 20, 2013)

She does sound like she has some body image issues. Don't pressure her, just keep reassuring her. This is coming from someone who has been there. For me, once I opened up, it all happened very fast. Keep complimenting her like you have been and be patient. Take things slow. I know it seems like a long process but sometimes things still happen that make us suddenly self-conscious and they can go away just as suddenly.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

What does it matter?

She's sleeping. She feels more comfortable with her bum covered when not under the covers.

I don't get it. I like sleeping in pants and a tank. I just like it. It has nothing to do about how I feel about my body.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I sleep clothed. Long pants and shirt or long shirt. I don't sleep in the same bed as hubby since I have neck issues. Before my neck issues, I even had my own down comforter. Hubby never had any issues on my wanting to be comfortable.

As far as being naked in front of hubby, it took both of us years to be 100% comfortable. I'm still a little self conscious, but I've come a very long way. So has hubby. We have been married 13 year. He's very athletic and has a smoking body! I was athletic until I broke my neck and I try very hard to stay thin and in shape as best as possible!

I will never be able to sleep in my bed again, which sucks. It hurts my neck and causes unbearable pain. I only sleep a few hours a night anyways and I wake up every hour when I do sleep to get up and take a short walk around the house. My hubby supports me 100% and really tries hard to make sure I'm comfortable.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

LonelyinLove said:


> *As he explored he kept telling me how beautiful I was and how much I turned him on.*
> 
> *That pretty much cured any resistance to remain unseen.*


My husband always told me I was beautiful but he WASN'T a BIG Flirter by any means...and he NEVER went on like he lusted after me, telling me verbally I turned him on... it was all in his TOUCH... he was a quiet lover..

He's the type that wouldn't want me to look upon him like it was LUST...ya know... (that might have been [email protected]#).....

I believe his not being very VERBAL in these things.....didn't help me....I probably could have come out of my shell much earlier...had he done more of that. 

I feel what you said here LonelyinLove.... is surely part of this answer for sure.. at least from the Man's end... he NEEDS to knock himself out using *verbal affirmation* to assure her he loves her body and what it does for him, show his delight..


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## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> I will never be able to sleep in my bed again, which sucks. It hurts my neck and causes unbearable pain. I only sleep a few hours a night anyways and I wake up every hour when I do sleep to get up and take a short walk around the house. My hubby supports me 100% and really tries hard to make sure I'm comfortable.


Wow. That's sad. Have you ever tried memory foam mattresses?


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## ET1SSJonota (Dec 25, 2012)

I think the OP is attempting to show this is more than just "comfort" with the no AC story. I mean if you're sweating terribly, and instead of shedding layers, you're wearing WARMER clothes, then I think there's a little more there than just preferring covering in bed. 

OP, has she always been like this? You mentioned before you got married, was that the cutoff point, or has some event or change happened? I know my wife covers/wears more if she feels like she has gained noticeable weight/feels yucky. I simply try to gauge how bad it is in terms of truly feeling disgusting or just needing a pick me up, and if it's the latter I tell her to take it off so that we're together when cuddling. Usually does the trick!

In any case, you should definitely talk to her in a comfortable environment about this. Do not do so before/during/after anything sexual (unless she initiates!), or immediate before/during/after sleep to give the discussion the appropriate weight. Tell her how YOU feel (I statements), then tell her that you want HER to feel comfortable. Then take moderate to extreme pains to always praise her when she does show you!


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Are there any other indications that she doesn't love you any more? How is sex? Does she avoid you in other ways?


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

Well I stand corrected. I assume that married couple have no issue with being naked in front of each other after they been sleeping together for a month or so. I gain a bunch of weight a year after marrying but even then I had no problems with being in the nude with my H because... I don't know... we're one? I guess I never think to cover myself from him or him from me. I guess the test will be after the baby if my tummy looks rubbery and loose and saggy.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

Wish I could sleep naked ... I used to ... but then kids came along.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> Wish I could sleep naked ... I used to ... but then kids came along.



LOL. I don't sleep naked either. Too cold natured even in summer. 
But He have perpetual pass to remove sleepwear for total access whenever he want.


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## ET1SSJonota (Dec 25, 2012)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> Wish I could sleep naked ... I used to ... but then kids came along.


We have 3 kids, and pretty much sleep nude. We also have a door. What gives?


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## soulsearch (Aug 2, 2013)

It took years, but my wife finally started sleeping in just her panties. I'm still sure she's not completely comfortable like that, but I enjoy cuddling with her much more that way.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

ET1SSJonota said:


> We have 3 kids, and pretty much sleep nude. We also have a door. What gives?


Unfortunately my daughters are conditioned to come into the room when I'm sleeping. Don't even knock. I've been awoken countless times by a daughter jumping on me. I'm going to put that one on my wife. I was raised in a home where if the door was closed, I better have a damn good reason for knocking (and I would always knock) because if I didn't, I was putting my life at risk. Opening the door without knocking was a death sentence. My wife coddles my girls. She has an open door policy. 

I have attempted to lock the door a few times. Here is what happens:

Daughter: knock knock. Daddy? 
Me: Sweety, I'm sleeping ... I'm not ready to get up yet.

5 minutes later 

Daughter: loud knocking. Daddy? Come on!!
Me: Look, I told you I'll be out in a little bit.

5 minutes later

Daughter: BANG BANG! DADDY?!? How long are you going to sleep!!!

She's like a freaking snooze alarm.

My youngest is somewhat insecure and hates that kind of separation. She's getting better but my wife continues to cater to her.

I don't sleep with my wife anymore. We have separate rooms. Lots of reasons: she sleeps with a machine, she shakes the bed with her leg (nerve damage), she is morbidly obese and takes up too much room (on a king sized bed), she is a messy person and I like my room somewhat clean ... and we have different sleep schedules. We don't have sex anymore so that isn't a reason to lock the door (the kids would stand at the door anyway). I suppose I could now enforce the knocking/locked door policy but ... I'm used to it and I have to pick my battles.


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## ET1SSJonota (Dec 25, 2012)

Definitely feel you on the kids pestering at the door, but I'll take that and keep the wife uncovered in bed! Sorry to hear your situation.


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## soulsearch (Aug 2, 2013)

Just some guy who- those are terrible things! I'm sorry to hear it. I wish for you strength to keep going and facing lifes challenges.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

soulsearch said:


> Just some guy who- those are terrible things! I'm sorry to hear it. I wish for you strength to keep going and facing lifes challenges.


Thanks, I need all the strength I can get. It's a pretty miserable way to live.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

LonelyinLove said:


> Wow. That's sad. Have you ever tried memory foam mattresses?


Yes, I have a 4 inch memory foam mattress pad on my sleep number bed.:/. 

I don't even sleep in a bed, I can't.


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## Hurra (Sep 13, 2009)

*Re: Re: Question for ladies: how bad is this example of being self-conscious*



ET1SSJonota said:


> I think the OP is attempting to show this is more than just "comfort" with the no AC story. I mean if you're sweating terribly, and instead of shedding layers, you're wearing WARMER clothes, then I think there's a little more there than just preferring covering in bed.
> 
> OP, has she always been like this? You mentioned before you got married, was that the cutoff point, or has some event or change happened? I know my wife covers/wears more if she feels like she has gained noticeable weight/feels yucky. I simply try to gauge how bad it is in terms of truly feeling disgusting or just needing a pick me up, and if it's the latter I tell her to take it off so that we're together when cuddling. Usually does the trick!
> 
> In any case, you should definitely talk to her in a comfortable environment about this. Do not do so before/during/after anything sexual (unless she initiates!), or immediate before/during/after sleep to give the discussion the appropriate weight. Tell her how YOU feel (I statements), then tell her that you want HER to feel comfortable. Then take moderate to extreme pains to always praise her when she does show you!


Someone gets it. Yes, she wore warmer clothing. Her normal daytime clothes. 

No, she hasn't been this bad. I think before marriage she knew I expected this so gave in as much as she could but no need to do so now. 

Sex is not very good. There are more rules in the bedroom than at a strip club.


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## ET1SSJonota (Dec 25, 2012)

Hurra said:


> Someone gets it. Yes, she wore warmer clothing. Her normal daytime clothes.
> 
> No, she hasn't been this bad. I think before marriage she knew I expected this so gave in as much as she could but no need to do so now.
> 
> Sex is not very good. There are more rules in the bedroom than at a strip club.


Rules? Such as? Do you get to make up rules too?


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## Hurra (Sep 13, 2009)

*Re: Re: Question for ladies: how bad is this example of being self-conscious*



ET1SSJonota said:


> Rules? Such as? Do you get to make up rules too?


Lights off, no touching certain body parts, certain oral techniques on her is forbidden, no oral on me, no guiding her hand to areas on my body, kisses must be approached from a certain direction, must have a condom on at all times before I even go near her, no daytime sex (on rare occasion she breaks this rule), no getting her naked, no french kissing, no sexual teasing outside bedroom, any position that involves her getting off her back is refused. 

I have 2 rules. Rule #1 is that there are no rules. Rule #2 is to obey Rule #1.


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## MambaZee (Aug 6, 2013)

I'm really sorry to hear that, OP. Have you tried talking to her at all about why she's uncomfortable with nudity and sex? Would she even be willing to consider counseling, either alone or together?


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## Hurra (Sep 13, 2009)

*Re: Re: Question for ladies: how bad is this example of being self-conscious*



MambaZee said:


> I'm really sorry to hear that, OP. Have you tried talking to her at all about why she's uncomfortable with nudity and sex? Would she even be willing to consider counseling, either alone or together?


I did pour my heart out recently and didn't get much reaction. She seemed sympathetic but unwilling to change given the history since then. I may as well hand her divorce papers as to suggest counseling. Her reaction would be the same. But I am guilty of going along with it to keep the peace and plus I am horny and need some loving even if it's pity loving. I need some intimacy but the price of that is getting to high now.


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## MambaZee (Aug 6, 2013)

Hurra said:


> I did pour my heart out recently and didn't get much reaction. She seemed sympathetic but unwilling to change given the history since then. I may as well hand her divorce papers as to suggest counseling. Her reaction would be the same. But I am guilty of going along with it to keep the peace and plus I am horny and need some loving even if it's pity loving. I need some intimacy but the price of that is getting to high now.


Again, sorry, as I know from experience how much a marriage can suffer from lack of intimacy. 

If you can't resolve things with her, it looks like your options are to stay in a sexless marriage or get out of it. Would she even blink if you brought up divorce?


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## mace17 (Jul 12, 2013)

Hurra said:


> Lights off, no touching certain body parts, certain oral techniques on her is forbidden, no oral on me, no guiding her hand to areas on my body, kisses must be approached from a certain direction, must have a condom on at all times before I even go near her, no daytime sex (on rare occasion she breaks this rule), no getting her naked, no french kissing, no sexual teasing outside bedroom, any position that involves her getting off her back is refused.
> 
> I have 2 rules. Rule #1 is that there are no rules. Rule #2 is to obey Rule #1.


This may be way off the mark, but was she ever sexually abused as a child? I know I have some weird issues like that, not quite that bad but I will never feel comfortable sleeping naked and there are some body parts that I do not like touched.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

Hurra said:


> I did pour my heart out recently and didn't get much reaction. She seemed sympathetic but unwilling to change given the history since then. I may as well hand her divorce papers as to suggest counseling. Her reaction would be the same. But I am guilty of going along with it to keep the peace and plus I am horny and need some loving even if it's pity loving. I need some intimacy but the price of that is getting to high now.


Maybe I'm overly sensitive due to pregnancy but this make me angry to read is happening to either husband or wife. I wish a husband or wife could sue their spouse for not providing sex. Take them to court to show there was no reasonable cause to deny sex. I don't know what could happen with winners/losers but this just SO unfair to deprive. Or maybe an email service to send an email to their box with subject "Are You Depriving You Spouse?"

I'm 7 months pregnant and my hyper drive is still alive but the act is beginning to be a bit awkward. But really I can't bear the thought of my H having to go to sleep being rejected. It bad enough he will have to go 6 week after delivery. 

Too bad you can't get your LD spouse (husband AND wife) to just come on here and read the heartbreak.
/end rant


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

committed4ever said:


> Maybe I'm overly sensitive due to pregnancy but this make me angry to read is happening to either husband or wife.* I wish a husband or wife could sue their spouse for not providing sex*. Take them to court to show there was no reasonable cause to deny sex. I don't know what could happen with winners/losers but this just SO unfair to deprive. Or maybe an email service to send an email to their box with subject "Are You Depriving You Spouse?"
> 
> I'm 7 months pregnant and my hyper drive is still alive but the act is beginning to be a bit awkward. But really I can't bear the thought of my H having to go to sleep being rejected. It bad enough he will have to go 6 week after delivery.
> 
> ...


They can - it's called a divorce.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

karole said:


> They can - it's called a divorce.


Irony? Satire? Or humor? 

Oh and I've never bump my head or been run over by a truck.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

committed4ever said:


> Maybe I'm overly sensitive due to pregnancy but this make me angry to read is happening to either husband or wife. I wish a husband or wife could sue their spouse for not providing sex. Take them to court to show there was no reasonable cause to deny sex. I don't know what could happen with winners/losers but this just SO unfair to deprive. Or maybe an email service to send an email to their box with subject "Are You Depriving You Spouse?"


:smthumbup: Wow...



committed4ever said:


> I'm 7 months pregnant and my hyper drive is still alive but the act is beginning to be a bit awkward.


Some women get a turbo boosted sex drive during pregnancy.



committed4ever said:


> But really I can't bear the thought of my H having to go to sleep being rejected.


Every time I hear you say things like this, I can't help but to be attracted to your womanly and motherly wiving of your husband... Really does something to me to hear your mindset.



committed4ever said:


> It bad enough he will have to go 6 week after delivery.


Let him go 6 weeks or more if it's necessary. You want to be healed, and it's not going to be good for both of you looking back, if he penetrated you selfishly before this period. Just do other things while you wait.



committed4ever said:


> Too bad you can't get your LD spouse (husband AND wife) to just come on here and read the heartbreak.
> /end rant


Yes.


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## Hurra (Sep 13, 2009)

Naw, she's never been abused. Her family is as good as gold and she had no partners worth talking about before me. If she was abused, it didn't seem to matter before marriage. 

I am building up my nerve to consult with a divorce lawyer. I just want to know what I would need to do, evidence to collect, etc to strengthen my case even before handing her papers. Doing the work after handing the papers would likely be more challenging. 

For the record I want more from my marriage. I'm tired of giving and getting little in return. I miss the physical feeling, even just a sincere hug. She says she loves me all the time but actions speak louder than words. If she is not comfortable as a woman in the marriage than she shouldn't have gotten married in the first place. 

Thanks for all the replies.


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## ET1SSJonota (Dec 25, 2012)

Barring some sort of betrayal, I don't think it is right to go straight to a divorce lawyer without communicating directly with her. At the same time, it is important to understand that there are 2 people involved, and it is likely not all about her just wanting to deprive you. Have you read any of the recommended books? The 5 Love Languages, His Needs Her Needs, and Love Busters are all highly recommended here and might give you insight into your situation a little. Another one that was interesting was The Sex Starved Marriage.


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