# Games



## MC169 (Feb 23, 2021)

I have been separated from my wife for almost a year now and having a hard time moving on. She had me move out making me believe the space would help us fix issues and I would move back in. Less then 3 months later she was in a relationship and sleeping with someone else. Few months go by and she leaves the relationship and says she wants to be with me. 2 days later she wants space again...she has now started seeing this guy again but tells me she doesn’t know what she wants. The mind games are killing me. We have a young child together which makes it even worse. Just looking for some advice so I can move on from this person who has ruined my life. I am 37 and we were together 8 years married 5 Been in therapy for over a year for this. I will never say I am perfect and the marriage had some issues but nothing terrible. She always says I never cheated on you but in my mind when you sleep with someone while still married with no papers filed that is cheating. Any advice to help me through this would be very appreciated thank you.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

I’m sorry you are here. Most times when spouses want to separate to fix things someone else is involved. Was she seeing this man before she moved out?


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## MC169 (Feb 23, 2021)

Before I moved out she had left her phone and a text from him popped up when I was sitting there. I am sure there was a EA going on. I know for sure that she started sleeping with him a few months after I was out of the house. I never would have left if I knew it wasn’t to try and give her space to fix the marriage but just to sleep with someone else. I got played and it hurts so bad


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

I’m sorry you are in pain. I know the hurt. The logical mind says the affair had already started. What do you want?


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## MC169 (Feb 23, 2021)

I have been reading everything I can on TAM for a long time now and it’s nice to know that I am not alone in feeling betrayed by someone you once loved so much. I have been very depressed with everything I know the people on here can help with tough love and advice thank you again for any help you can give me.


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## MC169 (Feb 23, 2021)

I just want to move on but still have the feelings of wanting to text and reach out even when it’s not about our kid and just feel stuck. I have tried to do the 180 but failed


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

If I were you I would follow the advice we have seen many many times on here and you have probably read. Don't wait for her, just file yourself. Do a complete 180 don't ask about anything other than your child. Work on you, your health, your career, make your life about you and your child, the wife you had is gone and is unlikely to come back. Get excited about what you can make of your future. As long as she has you sitting on the sidelines she keep playing the game.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

You know what you need to do. She is cheating on you and wanted "space" so that she could go bang another guy. Was that part of your separation agreement?
I doubt it.

You need to see a lawyer ASAP, get YOUR plan together and stop leaving the status of the relationship up to her.
Keep implementing the 180 so that YOU can start detaching -- you have to do this. If you can't you may be too co-dependant (there is a book about this that I don't remember the title of at the moment -- might be co-dependent no more). Stay close with your kid -- go do things with him/her. IGNORE your wife. You need to keep yourself heatlhy, keep close to your kid and build that relationship, and get YOUR plan together on how to get rid of her. You are in love with the IMAGE of who you thought she was -- she is showing you now who she really IS.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

MC169 said:


> I just want to move on but still have the feelings of wanting to text and reach out even when it’s not about our kid and just feel stuck. I have tried to do the 180 but failed


Do it again...and again.


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## MC169 (Feb 23, 2021)

I defiantly agree that I am still in love with the image of what I thought she was. She has become someone I do not know. All my friends always warned me about her but I was blinded by what I thought was love. My daughter has major issues with loss and I have tried to keep everything civil for her. She is my world and I want to find myself again and be the best dad I can. My biggest problem now is I tend to think of my wife with this man all the time and it makes me feel so angry and hurt just want that pain to leave.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

MC169 said:


> I defiantly agree that I am still in love with the image of what I thought she was. She has become someone I do not know. All my friends always warned me about her but I was blinded by what I thought was love. My daughter has major issues with loss and I have tried to keep everything civil for her. She is my world and I want to find myself again and be the best dad I can. My biggest problem now is I tend to think of my wife with this man all the time and it makes me feel so angry and hurt just want that pain to leave.


I'm no expert but what you're dealing with is the point of the 180. To put you in a place that you are indifferent about her. Focus on you and building your life up. Anger is understandable, but it serves no purpose, and provides no benefit. When you are feeling negative emotions, anger, sadness, jealousy, whatever, do something productive. Plan something for you and your daughter to do, do a quick workout, whatever to put the negative energy to a positive use.


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## MC169 (Feb 23, 2021)

My biggest problem has been letting go for sure. She has said really hurtful things like marriage was a commitment to you and just a piece of paper to me and the classic I love you but not in love with you I have been trying to focus on my job and being the best dad I can for my daughter but my mind just won’t see how bad she is for me makes no sense


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

MC169 said:


> I have been separated from my wife for almost a year now and having a hard time moving on. She had me move out making me believe the space would help us fix issues and I would move back in. Less then 3 months later she was in a relationship and sleeping with someone else. Few months go by and she leaves the relationship and says she wants to be with me. 2 days later she wants space again...she has now started seeing this guy again but tells me she doesn’t know what she wants. The mind games are killing me. We have a young child together which makes it even worse. Just looking for some advice so I can move on from this person who has ruined my life. I am 37 and we were together 8 years married 5 Been in therapy for over a year for this. I will never say I am perfect and the marriage had some issues but nothing terrible. She always says I never cheated on you but in my mind when you sleep with someone while still married with no papers filed that is cheating. Any advice to help me through this would be very appreciated thank you.


Separation usually means dating other people. That doesn't diminish what your wife chose to do with that time. She clearly is not happy in the marriage. She needs space so if I were you I would file papers and give it to her. Get 50/50 custody of your kids. That way they don't miss anybody. I think you're the one that's going to have to be proactive here instead of waiting around to see what she comes up with next. Because the problem with that is she's just going to keep pushing the envelope and if you accept her after she's crossed boundaries you're really not happy about, things are not going to get better. She's going to know you'll put up with it and she can still come back. 

I think you need to get with an attorney. And then if you want to move on and are having trouble with it emotionally because you just can't get past it, the wise thing would be to get an agreement for the court to set it up where the only thing you can communicate about together is the children and through one of those email sites set up edpecially for divorce parents where anything they write is saved and can be used in court. Because what you should not do is leave the door open where she can pull your strings when it's convenient for her.  It will prevent you from being able to start a new relationship because no new woman is going to put up with that. 

Good luck.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

How about you start thanking the Lord that she is someone else's problem, now. Let her pull her crap on someone else. When her current gig with this jerk ends and she starts making noises about you coming back, don't even consider it. 

She has shown you who she is so believe her. You're just a stop-gap for her until she finds someone more pleasing.


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## MC169 (Feb 23, 2021)

Thank you for all the replies I know what I need to do it’s just the hardest thing I have gone through in my life. She always says she doesn’t know what she wants after she broke up with him the first time she told me she wanted me back and 2 days later said she didn’t she is now back with him. After all she has done to me my heart still loves this women makes no sense to me why. Focus on my daughter and myself is my main goal


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

MC169 said:


> I have been separated from my wife for almost a year now and having a hard time moving on. She had me move out making me believe the space would help us fix issues and I would move back in. Less then 3 months later she was in a relationship and sleeping with someone else. Few months go by and she leaves the relationship and says she wants to be with me. 2 days later she wants space again...she has now started seeing this guy again but tells me she doesn’t know what she wants. The mind games are killing me. We have a young child together which makes it even worse. Just looking for some advice so I can move on from this person who has ruined my life. I am 37 and we were together 8 years married 5 Been in therapy for over a year for this. I will never say I am perfect and the marriage had some issues but nothing terrible. She always says I never cheated on you but in my mind when you sleep with someone while still married with no papers filed that is cheating. Any advice to help me through this would be very appreciated thank you.


If you are just separated then yes it is cheating. Where does your daugher live? She must be so confused by her mums comings and goings poor lttle thing.


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## MC169 (Feb 23, 2021)

She lives with each of us. I get her most weekends but it has been very hard on her. She has been very sad with the situation and has seen me very sad. I believe her boyfriend has 2 young kids of his own and works with her. His ex cheated on him and now he is sleeping with a married women. I hope karma is real because damn this hurts


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Use your anger to help you detach and get you moving on YOUR plan.
As for your daughter, tell her in an age appropriate way WHY you are sad "Mommy has a boyfriend and you are not supposed to do that when you are married to someone. That makes me hurt and sad, and we won't be married anymore. BUT we both love you -- you did NOT cause this at all, and I will always be here for you -- even if you just want to talk about how sad YOU are"


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

MC169 said:


> I have been separated from my wife for almost a year now and having a hard time moving on. She had me move out making me believe the space would help us fix issues and I would move back in. Less then 3 months later she was in a relationship and sleeping with someone else. Few months go by and she leaves the relationship and says she wants to be with me. 2 days later she wants space again...she has now started seeing this guy again but tells me she doesn’t know what she wants. The mind games are killing me. We have a young child together which makes it even worse. Just looking for some advice so I can move on from this person who has ruined my life. I am 37 and we were together 8 years married 5 Been in therapy for over a year for this. I will never say I am perfect and the marriage had some issues but nothing terrible. She always says I never cheated on you but in my mind when you sleep with someone while still married with no papers filed that is cheating. Any advice to help me through this would be very appreciated thank you.


If she can't make up her mind, YOU make it up for her. Don't allow it. She goes...she's gone. That's it. DO NOT under ANY circumstances, take her back. Let her go stay with Joe Schmoe.


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## MC169 (Feb 23, 2021)

I feel so bad for my daughter all she wants is us back together but I know I would never be able to trust her again and need to let her go. I was not perfect in the marriage but I was never abusive and never cheated and would have never broke my wedding vows. She has told me it’s a piece of paper to me and a commitment to you regarding our marriage which tells me everything. Just need to let go


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

MC169 said:


> I feel so bad for my daughter all she wants is us back together but I know I would never be able to trust her again and need to let her go. I was not perfect in the marriage but I was never abusive and never cheated and would have never broke my wedding vows. She has told me it’s a piece of paper to me and a commitment to you regarding our marriage which tells me everything. Just need to let go


Well, what was not perfect about it?


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## MC169 (Feb 23, 2021)

Just agreeing on things mostly like more kids or moving. We had bought a house and she wanted to move right away and I didn’t but once she kicked me out she wanted to stay. We both smoked and she quit and wanted me to I had a hard time stopping but did and havnt in over a year. Mostly general disagreements but very little that I would consider breaking a marriage. She found another man very quickly so I suspect that was a big part why.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

MC169 said:


> Before I moved out she had left her phone and a text from him popped up when I was sitting there. I am sure there was a EA going on. I know for sure that she started sleeping with him a few months after I was out of the house. I never would have left if I knew it wasn’t to try and give her space to fix the marriage but just to sleep with someone else. I got played and it hurts so bad


then stop it...she fooled you once then twice...stop the insanity and just file for divorce do not wait for her at all, and sell the house...tell her you own half the house and you no longer allow her to fool you again. put the screws to her....time to grow up and put on your big boy pants on. right now you look pathetic in her eyes.


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## dadofdogand2 (Dec 20, 2020)

MC169 GET OUT of the relationship while you guys are not angry and it gets worst. Believe me it can get worst. I read your story and thoughts process and thought I was reading something about myself and what I was/am going through. But my daughter is 5, and I also have son age 3.

Please get out of the relationship. You'll find some other common red flags in other infidelity stories. She checked out already. You don't need any further proof or find the physical aspects with the other person(s).

You can do a legal seperation instead of a divorce depending your state live in. That way maybe years years down the road there can be reconcilation (not likely but hey) while you are still amicable. 

Feel free to message me or whatever but reading yours really hit home for me since it is very similar as far as age, dating timeline, your feelings, what's taken place thus far, etc.

Please, get out of the relationship though. Share legal and physical custody, but do not live together and do not be married anymore.


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