# Husband says I have the sex drive of a 90yr old woman ... we need HELP!



## JulieinPA (Nov 6, 2011)

Hi, I'm new here.

What BRINGS me here is our sex issues. My husband and I have been married for 11 years. We have 2 children - one who is 7yrs old, and the other is 16 months old. We live in a trailer - so there's not much room (or sound proof walls if ya know what I mean). And we actually SHARE one big bedroom with our 2 children. We have our Queen size bed, and then the kids have a bunk bed. However, the kids always end up co-sleeping with us. Our 16 month old is still nursing (we're actually in the process of weaning - so she only nurses at night now). So she's always in bed with us. Our 7yr old daughter will sleep in her own bed for a little while, then ends up waking up in the middle of the night to come over and snuggle up with one of us. 
During the day - our 16month old is VERY clingy to me. She won't let me out of her sight. If I even go to the bathroom she usually follows. I'm a stay at home mom - so the kids are always here. We don't take them to a day care or babysitter or anything like that. THey're here with me/us. Once in a while they'll go to their grandparents house long enough for hubby and I to get a bite to eat and get groceries. Then on a VERY rare occassion (maybe 3-5 times in the last 16 months) they'll go to their grandparents and both stay over night.

Somehow my hubby and I manage to have sex atleast once per week - or at worst - once every other week. I don't even know how we manage that to be honest considering the living conditions with the children always been here. We're lucky to be able to sneak off long enough to do anything.

Also - my husband is NOT romantic in any way whatsoever. In our 11 years of marriage I think he gave me flowers two times. Once for Mother's Day, and I can't remember what the other time was for (they were both very long ago). He never buys me ANYTHING special. I'm lucky if he remembers to get me a card for my birthday or anniversary, etc.
He doesn't ever do any house work. I'm lucky if he even picks up after himself - usually I have to do that to. So I clean all day, watch the kids, then in the evening I usually have a photo session (I'm a PT photographer) which lasts about an hour, then I get back home and get the kids ready for bed, put them to bed and either fall asleep with our little one, or get up and work on editing pictures until about 2:30am.

What the HECK does he expect! He says I have a sex drive of a 90yr old ... well does he think I'm going to jump him all the time wanting sex when he doesn't romance me, we get hardly any alone time, and plus I'm exhausted from a long day with the kids and work and getting hardly any sleep at night!??

How do we fix this?????


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## JulieinPA (Nov 6, 2011)

I don't want to come across as impatient ... but I'm DIEING for some advice/answers. I keep checking my post over and over, and it's getting views but no replies. I'm desperate!


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

Ask him what is he bringing to the table in the marriage to make you feel you like want to have sex with him? If it makes him mad, then you just hit the mail on the head with your question. He knows he is doing very little to make you feel desired, but yet expects you to have a ramped up sex drive. He needs to step up to the plate and help. If he can't, make your decision, don't live a life where your self esteem is shot based on what another person says.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Your problem is threefold. You need to solve each and they are on different time lines.

1. Kick the kids out of the bed. Create boundaries for where the kids can be. I've lived in a trailer, nobody said this is easy. Doable if you want it. Insist that kids sleep elsewhere - period. You have bunk beds, use them.

2. Start having alone time, when the kids cannot be in the bedroom. Again, I know it is difficult, living in a trailer. I can be done. I know this from personal experience. Figure it out, make sure there are interesting things for the kids in the other part of the trailer.

3. Work on getting into a better place to live. You need at least two bedrooms. Economics intrude, I realize that. So work on fixing that.


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## JulieinPA (Nov 6, 2011)

trey69 said:


> Ask him what is he bringing to the table in the marriage to make you feel you like want to have sex with him? If it makes him mad, then you just hit the mail on the head with your question. He knows he is doing very little to make you feel desired, but yet expects you to have a ramped up sex drive. He needs to step up to the plate and help. If he can't, make your decision, don't live a life where your self esteem is shot based on what another person says.


Thanks for your advice. That's exactly how I feel (I think I really just need validated that my thoughts and feelings are - or are not correct)I do feel like he's not bringing anything to the table, and he's being selfish. He expects me to be raring and ready to go ... yet he does nothing for me. Our marriage is great - we get along wonderfully and are happy. We just REALLY lack in the romance and sex department. Obviously.

We really REALLY need to fix this issue. I was thinking about having a talk with him (like you mentioned). I have told him before that he's not romancing me or doing anything for me. I think in his heart he has the intention to - but then when he gets the chance he doesn't think about it. It's as if he doesn't even realize .. until I bring it up, and then he thinks about it for the time being, but forgets all about it by the time he has a chance to do anything (like get me flowers, or plan a romantic evening, or even just do the dishes or something ... anything). For a while I just settled with "that's who he is" ... but I NEED something from him if he expects a sex drive from me. I just don't have the desire, and I honestly think I would if he would just step it up. I just don't know HOW to get him to step it up. sigh.

So anyway, thanks for the advice. A talk is definately in the plans for step one of fixing this issue.


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## JulieinPA (Nov 6, 2011)

michzz said:


> Your problem is threefold. You need to solve each and they are on different time lines.
> 
> 1. Kick the kids out of the bed. Create boundaries for where the kids can be. I've lived in a trailer, nobody said this is easy. Doable if you want it. Insist that kids sleep elsewhere - period. You have bunk beds, use them.
> 
> ...


I totally agree with all 3 of these! I really want the kids to sleep in their own beds. I'm still nursing my youngest one - I'm in the process of weaning her, and am only nursing at night. Which is why she's co-sleeping. Hopefully we'll be done with that soon.
And the other child - I don't know how to get her in her own bed. Even if we get her to go to bed at night (reading her stories, singing to her, talking with her, whatever) ... she'll sleep for about half the night and then wake up by early morning like 2 or 3am and come to us with the problem that she can't sleep and she's lonely and needs to sleep with us. She's the really lovey cuddly type. A big sweetheart. She simply adores us and we adore her. I don't know how else to get her back in her own bed - in a positive way. If I force her to go back to her own bed she gets upset and then can't fall back asleep. So right now, I'm not sure how to handle that.

Also - I do feel like there are other issues you didn't mention ... such as my hubby not doing things for me to give me the desire to have sex. So I don't think the kid/trailer issue are the only issues. But they do play a big part.

And believe me - I'm making a checklist of the recommendations I'm getting from you all that are replying! It's very helpful.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Do not take the approach that your daughter has to sleep in the bunkbed is an angry thing. Focus on how she is such a big girl now and has a special place of her own now.

Do something like let her pick out a big girl's bedspread, etc. Make it positive. But no matter what time it is, get her back in her own bed. Her anxiety will ease with your consistent reaction.

Your interaction with your husband is all you can control. If he is acting like a jerk, you can call it out. But if you mainly act in the mommy role, that will be seen as avoiding being his wife.

BTW, I'm not defending crappy behavior. He is not let off the hook in this. 

Living in a trailer is tough. Nobody chooses to have cramped space and no privacy because they love it. That long-term goal of getting out of one was a great motivator for me to do just that.


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## JulieinPA (Nov 6, 2011)

michzz said:


> Do not take the approach that your daughter has to sleep in the bunkbed is an angry thing. Focus on how she is such a big girl now and has a special place of her own now.
> 
> Do something like let her pick out a big girl's bedspread, etc. Make it positive. But no matter what time it is, get her back in her own bed. Her anxiety will ease with your consistent reaction.
> 
> ...


Well so far with our daughter we've tried letting her arrange and decorate her sleep space (her headrest, the wall by her bed, etc.), we've allowed her puppy to sleep in it's crate next to her bed (the pup is still in the process of crate/house traiing, so she has to be in the crate at night for now - until she's trained, then she can sleep right in bed with our child), we let her sleep with whatever stuffed animal/s she wants, we got her a horse blanket (she likes horses a lot), we bought her a puppy pillow (she loves dogs), etc. So we have really tried to get her in her own bed (all night). And we're always positive about it. We tell her that she's a big girl, and we tell her she's old enough to sleep in her own bed, etc. But endlessly - night after night she wakes up to come to bed and cuddle with us. We're at our wits end. sigh. You name it - we've probably tried it. :scratchhead:


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

JulieinPA said:


> We're at our wits end. sigh. You name it - we've probably tried it. :scratchhead:


You have to remove her EVERY TIME and put her back to bed.

I hope you realize that she feels replaced by your younger kid who gets to stay in the bed.


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## JulieinPA (Nov 6, 2011)

michzz said:


> Do not take the approach that your daughter has to sleep in the bunkbed is an angry thing. Focus on how she is such a big girl now and has a special place of her own now.
> 
> Do something like let her pick out a big girl's bedspread, etc. Make it positive. But no matter what time it is, get her back in her own bed. Her anxiety will ease with your consistent reaction.
> 
> ...


And yes, I do normally play the mommy role. I'm a very dedicated mommy and I adore my children. So I can see how he could feel like he might not get the attention he wants/needs.

He is to blame a lot to - so yeah, he's not off the hook for sure! But I do admit that there are some things that we BOTH need to work on - so I have things to work on to. I'm just not sure how I guess ... :scratchhead: does that make sense?


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## JulieinPA (Nov 6, 2011)

michzz said:


> You have to remove her EVERY TIME and put her back to bed.
> 
> I hope you realize that she feels replaced by your younger kid who gets to stay in the bed.


I wouldn't say she feels "replaced" by our younger child. But I'm sure that it does make it harder for her knowing that the younger child gets to sleep in bed with us and she is expected to sleep in her own bed. She adores her little sister and is a mother hen to her - but it isn't necessarily "fair" (especialy in her eyes) that our youngest gets to sleep in our bed. So I agree that ads to the issue.


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## InsecureSecurity (Aug 7, 2011)

Then put her back in her own bed. It will be tiring to do so, and you will feel like you have lost all your patience after about the third or fourth night of little to no sleep, but she will eventually get the picture. You need your own space as parents/adults. If you don't set that boundary now, then you will never have that boundary later in life. She keeps coming to bed with you two because she knows she can get away with it. She knows that the worst that will happen is that you'll buy her something knew for her bed. I had to do the same thing with my daughter. It broke my heart hearing her cry in her bed wanting to come back to our room, but it was worth it. Not she's little miss independent when it comes to her room. She cleans it, organizes it, and has no issues with jumping in her bed for bedtime, and this is at the age of 5. You can do, you just have to set boundaries.

You will also have to start doing that with your littlest one very soon. I understand the night nursing, but once you are done there is no reason she shouldn't be in her own sleeping area. Although I don't condone his behavior, he may be feeling neglected since he has absolutely no alone time with his wife. It's easy to say he's never been romantic, but you fell in love with him for a reason. Let him know that you like receiving little gifts from time to time. Let him know how sexy it would be to come home and see that he has cleaned up the house and put the kids to bed without you. Let him know you need him in your life because he's your husband, friend, and lover. If you don't communicate with your husband about all these things, then how can you expect them to get fixed?

EDIT: Holey moley! Lots of posts, one after the other.

I would say one of the best ways to "reconnect" with your husband would be to schedule a weekend (or a day if you can't afford multiple days away from work) to just have alone time for the two of you. Your children are old enough now that they should be able to easily stay with Grandma and Grandpa for a day or two. Use that time to enjoy each other in every way imaginable. That includes sex, intimate dinners, cuddling, and of course talking to each other. It's a great way to remind you both why you fell in love in the first place. Men (a lot, not all) need sexual contact to feel love, and women need emotional contact to feel love. You seem like you have two very distinct love language: gift giving and acts of service. He seems to rely on physical touch. Both of you want to receive love in different ways and you are both tripping over each other without really knowing why. Unfortunately, marriage is not 50/50. One of the spouses always has to step up and take control if things aren't going the way they need to be going. If you want a better marriage, you need to initiate the change you want to see. He may not know how to do that, but he may be willing to learn if you let him know what he means to you and how much happier the two of you could be.


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## JulieinPA (Nov 6, 2011)

InsecureSecurity said:


> Then put her back in her own bed. It will be tiring to do so, and you will feel like you have lost all your patience after about the third or fourth night of little to no sleep, but she will eventually get the picture. You need your own space as parents/adults. If you don't set that boundary now, then you will never have that boundary later in life. She keeps coming to bed with you two because she knows she can get away with it. She knows that the worst that will happen is that you'll buy her something knew for her bed. I had to do the same thing with my daughter. It broke my heart hearing her cry in her bed wanting to come back to our room, but it was worth it. Not she's little miss independent when it comes to her room. She cleans it, organizes it, and has no issues with jumping in her bed for bedtime, and this is at the age of 5. You can do, you just have to set boundaries.
> 
> You will also have to start doing that with your littlest one very soon. I understand the night nursing, but once you are done there is no reason she shouldn't be in her own sleeping area. Although I don't condone his behavior, he may be feeling neglected since he has absolutely no alone time with his wife. It's easy to say he's never been romantic, but you fell in love with him for a reason. Let him know that you like receiving little gifts from time to time. Let him know how sexy it would be to come home and see that he has cleaned up the house and put the kids to bed without you. Let him know you need him in your life because he's your husband, friend, and lover. If you don't communicate with your husband about all these things, then how can you expect them to get fixed?


It's funny, when I originally started this thread, I truly felt that HE was the one at fault here. And the more I read and think about it - I have A LOT to do with these issues. These replies are opening my eyes and making me think.

Anyway - I agree, something totally needs to be done to get our children in their own beds. totally. And yes, the more I think about it - he probably is feeling neglected. You's are right about that.

As for communicating with him - I'm the master of communication  Seriously. I tell him all my wants, needs, expectations, etc. HE on the other hand is not good at communicating at all. He doesn't really talk about stuff other than every day things. But not relationship stuff, etc. etc.
So I have told him many times throughout our marriage (especially since having our children) that I would appreciate flowers or whatever once in a while, and I tell him how wonderful it would be if he could just clean up a little bit when I'm extra busy and don't have time. I just told him that the other day when I had the kids all day, then had to run off to a photo session leaving the table a mess after supper and food out, and everything. I told him how wonderful it would be if he could clean up since I didn't have time. He did clean up the table. That was the extent of it - he didn't do the dishes or anything, so I did have to do that when I got back (which was the last thing I felt like doing after a long exhausting day). And I did give him credit for cleaning off the table atleast. I told him how much I appreciated it.

But yeah - I do communicate my needs and wants to him. Have been for years - but still - no romance, no flowers, the only attention I get from him is what I call the "hound dog" attention. He'll make comments about my body, etc. when he's turned on and wants "some." He has a GREAT sex drive ... he would take it all the time altleast once, twice or maybe three times a day. He is totally attracted to me and turned on by me. But that's the only time he gives me any kind of attention - is when he "wants it." Otherwise - I get nothing.


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## InsecureSecurity (Aug 7, 2011)

JulieinPA said:


> It's funny, when I originally started this thread, I truly felt that HE was the one at fault here. And the more I read and think about it - I have A LOT to do with these issues. These replies are opening my eyes and making me think.


Please don't take anything I said to mean that you are at fault. Marriage works both ways. You have issues and he has issues. Everyone has issues. The best thing to remember is that it's okay to have issues, as long as they are being worked on. From what you say later on in your post, it doesn't seem like he's doing much work. Unfortunately, this is where your strength as both a woman and mother can come in handy. You want a better marriage, then let him know you want it. Try to have sex with him a bit more often, but after doing so let him know how you felt about it. Let him know how sexy you find it when he opens up to you and lets you know how he feels. Men, contrary to popular belief, do enjoy the emotional connection from sex. It's usually when we the most connected to our spouses/mates. If things don't start getting better, let him know that it may be time to see a marriage counselor so that you both will have an outlet to speak to that is an unbiased third party. It may do wonders for you.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Hi julie ~

I really commend you for wanting to improve your marriage and being open to suggestions and to changing. That is awesome! 

There's a multi-pronged approach that needs to be taken, I think.

First is the sleeping arrangements that you currently have that impinge on both your sleep and your intimacy. Our youngest was like your little girl - constantly getting up and wanting to get in bed with us - even though he had his own room. Consistency is the key. It was a pain, but every time he got up, we simply took him back and tucked him in. It took a while, but eventually he got to the point where he just stayed in bed. We also got him a special 'friend' - a stuffed cat that he absolutely loved, so that he had a friend to sleep with and take care of.

For the baby, try and get a portable crib to set up beside the bed. The baby will then be out of your bed, but close enough to get to without getting out of bed all the time.

Tell your husband you are making these arrangements so that the bed is for you two alone.

Also be thinking ahead as to where you could create some privacy in your trailer as your children get older and more aware. If you are still in the trailer then, would it be possible to somehow divide the room, would it be possible to move beds or get portable ones for the living area so you and your husband have your own sleeping space? Can you start putting a little bit more money away each month so that you could move to something that would accomodate your growing family? Start some planning and dreaming. 

Next, it's really easy to lose yourself in your children when you become a mother. Sometimes we women inadvertantly and unfortunately relegate our husbands to the backseat. But, keeping your husband in the front seat with you, and the children in the backseat, so to speak, is really the model that a marriage needs. A strong bond between husband and wife makes them better fathers and mothers.

Since you are here and your husband isn't, I will suggest that you try and make the first moves to meet what your husband needs instead of waiting and expecting him to act. So, tell him you love him, tell him you appreciate him and what he does for your family. Be affectionate with him - hold his hand, hug him, run your hand through his hair. And see if you can't set up some more times for you two to be intimate together. You may find that as you re-prioritize him in into being a priority, he may be more than willing to do the same for you and may really start to listen to you - and act on it. But YOU can take control and take the first steps right now, today. 

Best wishes.


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## chouchangla (Nov 7, 2011)

Figure it out, make sure there are interesting things for the kids in the other part of the trailer.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

michzz said:


> Your problem is threefold. You need to solve each and they are on different time lines.
> 
> 1. Kick the kids out of the bed. Create boundaries for where the kids can be. I've lived in a trailer, nobody said this is easy. Doable if you want it. Insist that kids sleep elsewhere - period. You have bunk beds, use them.
> 
> ...


Yes, yes and yes.


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## finebyme72 (Jul 12, 2011)

As a married man with two young children (5 & 2), I completely understand this situation. We had to do the same thing with our older one and force him to stay in his bed - I didn't want our bedroom to end up being a slumber party for toddlers. As for the other part, was your husband romantic before the two of you were married? Did he buy you flowers, etc? If he wasn't, how do you think you can get him to change (if at all)? If that is a newer need, then maybe express it to him and see if you can get some accommodation from him.

Of course, it doesn't matter how romantic he is, if there are kids in bed, the amount of lovemaking probably won't increase. Getting the kids into their own space will have to be fixed first . . . Just my two cents.


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