# how much input should non-working spouse have



## livnlearn (Mar 5, 2012)

I'm asking this in the men's forum because it pertains to my situation, but certainly if roles are reversed, women, feel free to chime in. 

My husband is the main bread-winner. I stayed home when the kids were younger, and now only work part-time...25-30 hours, so I can take care of all kid/household related stuff. 

6 years ago he was frustrated with his job and saw an opportunity for advancement elsewhere, so switched jobs. I didn't like the idea of a switch, because while there was more opportunity, the hours were much worse..both in number hours and time of day. However, he was the one having to go to work every day so I voiced my opinion, and then had to let it go. At the time he expected advancement to happen in a yr. to 18 mos.. The advancement would not only be more money, but would allow much more flexibility and time for family.

Well, as these things go, circumstances changed at the company, and a hold was put on advancements..so while he is still up for the position, there is no timeline as to when it will happen, if at all.

Recently an opportunity opened up where he could stay at his current position, same pay, but much more flexibility in schedule so he would be able to be home more. However, he would have to forego ever advancing to the position he wants to get to. I would be fine with that. I am not a big spender at all..have very little clothing, old car, HATE shopping..I ask for and can live on very little. The kids are well taken care of in every way.

So I wanted him to take it. He has missed out on so much family time for the past 6 years. Our kids who were 5 and 9 when he took the job, are now 11 and almost 16. He has missed most of their sports events, school functions, etc.. He works weekends so only see the kids on the occasional work night...works many nights also. 

He has decided to continue on his quest for advancement. I am starting to get really resentful at the fact that all his time and passion goes into the job and his "job" as a husband and father always takes second seat. 

Am I wrong??


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## anonim (Apr 24, 2012)

How would you feel about him not working??

IMO non working spouses should have the same input as working ones except for personal spending money. If you want something for sole personal reasons you should earn it. I can elaborate if need be.


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## livnlearn (Mar 5, 2012)

anonim said:


> How would you feel about him not working??
> 
> IMO non working spouses should have the same input as working ones except for personal spending money. If you want something for sole personal reasons you should earn it. I can elaborate if need be.


asking how I'd feel about him not working is irrelevant I think.:scratchhead:

I'm not talking finances and who gets to spend how much. That has never been a problem. My husband WANTS me to spend on myself. I'm a really low maintenance person and just get no thrill out of material things. 

The issue is that I think he needs more work/personal life balance. I hate that our kids are growing so fast and he is missing it all. I hate not having him around and doing things as a family. I tell him all the time that he makes good money and I am totally satisfied. 

I'm afraid that will be the way it is going to happen here Mavash. He will have to come to it on his own. It's just frustrating because he will never get these years back with his kids and our marriage is suffering because we have no time together. When he IS home he is always calling work to check in and see how things are going, or they are calling him with problems. Then he uses me as a sounding-board for the stress work causes him. It just gets old.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Do you let him tell you what job you should take? What job you should quit?

Personally I ask my wife's opinion, but my career choices are my own. I very seriously considered her opinion when a job change meant selling our house and moving. Anyway, at the end of the day I'm the one who has to sit in this chair all day working with the people I work with. At the end of the day, I'm the one who has to come up with the mortgage payment and the car payments. You can't give me the responsibility to provide and then hobble my ability to do it.


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## Zatol Ugot? (Mar 5, 2012)

Your husband is going to be the final decision maker when it comes to his job and career path. With that said, you have every right (I would argue even a duty to you family) to make sure that he understands your concerns about the effects that his schedule and work efforts is having on you and the children. I'm sure that in his mind, he is doing the right thing by constantly pushing to do more, be better, get that promotion, get more money. It sounds as though he needs to be reminded that while ambition is a good thing, there is also such a thing as work/life balance. I would recommend that you sit down with him at a time when you know that you will not be interrupted and you have plenty of time. Be sure to let him know that you very much appreciate all of the hard work and effort that he has done for you and the family and that you think that his is an awesome husband and provider for the family. Then you can express your concerns about how his lack of time spent with the family is negatively affecting it and how you wouldn't mind having a few less dollars in the house if it meant that he would be around and involved more. Hopefully, if he is willing to listen to you and your concerns, you will be able to affect his decision process. 
If worse comes to worse, you can have a recording of _Cats In the Cradle_ by Harry Chapin playing while he sleeps to give him a subliminal message.  Obviously I'm kidding. Good luck.


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## ATC529R (Oct 31, 2012)

livnlearn said:


> I'm asking this in the men's forum because it pertains to my situation, but certainly if roles are reversed, women, feel free to chime in.
> 
> My husband is the main bread-winner. I stayed home when the kids were younger, and now only work part-time...25-30 hours, so I can take care of all kid/household related stuff.
> 
> ...


so he was took a job for advancement opportunity 6 years ago......and it was supposed to happen in 18 months?

I got news for him. it aint happening. at all! He should take the opportunity to take the easier schedule for work life balance. they would respect him for that. he keeps doing what he's doing and he's their lap dog.

he should take the other job and update his resume IMO


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

We use POJA. If I am thinking about a change I let her know. I listen to her. She can veto of course. But ultimately I have to make a career decision.

Because this is crtical to our marriage we talk about what any of it means to us as a couple.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I agree with POJA for many things. Which house to buy. Whether to trade in a car. Discipline for the kids. In fact, for which house to buy, beyond agreeing to a budget, I'm happy to let her decide. But when it comes to how I'm going to spend 50% (or more) of my waking hours it has to be my decision. Unless she plans on coming into work and doing the job she wanted me to do for me. 

Like I said, I consider her input; but the decision is mine. It's more of a Captain/First Officer situation than a committee (POJA) situation. And either of us might be captain, depending on the decision to be made.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

livnlearn said:


> Am I wrong??


Feelings are facts.

So nobody can argue about how you feel. I have a great deal of empathy for you because my wife and I have made the decision to hole up in an extremely rural lifestyle and raise our children away from pollution, noise, crime, gangs, the idiots running the public school systems, etc. 

So we're living on a LOT less money, homeschooling, and doing a lot of home production. Homesteader style. Nobody taxes us on the fish and game we harvest, the garden, the wood we use to heat, everything we build and fix ourselves...

And we do everything together. It's a dream come true for us. We have not been apart for more than a matter of hours in four years. People are amazed that our kids are like mini-adults, that they started reading by age two, how much science they know, and that they are already little athletes. 

But we share the same dream. That's what is different with you and your husband. I would not expect it to change. My goodness it has been so many years already. And really, the norm in this society is to go for more money and for family not to be so important. At least not like it is in some cultures like my wife's. 

When it comes down to being this dissatisfied, if a partner does not compromise with you then a person has to invoke consequences. I don't know what these would be in your situation. But why give a spouse 100% of what they want if you get 50% of what you want in return? The most common story on this forum is the husband who is not getting enough sex from his wife. Such a man gets immediate empathy here and validation of his plight.

People will tell this man not to be a doormat and accept his wife withholding sex. They will urge the invocation of consequences. Ultimatums. They will say that you have to be willing to lose the marriage in order to save it. 

I'll be a minority voice on this, but I'm with you all the way in spirit. You can't make your husband _want_ to stay at home more, but you can make that a choice he would rather accept than something else. Even there, this isn't as ideal as having someone who sees things the same way you do. But currently the resentment is building up on one side whilst the other is just fine with what's happening. A compromise may result in him resenting a sacrifice in career but mitigate your resentment - and the fact is you already put years in the bank so to speak. When is it your turn?

Good luck.


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## livnlearn (Mar 5, 2012)

Thanks for your responses. Wisefor and Zatol...thanks for understanding my concerns. No workingforme..my husband doesn't tell me where to work..however, as a result of his choice, I left the field I want to be in, and took a job that works around his crazy schedule. I am not "hobbling his ability to make mortgage payments"...our bills are met and we have money left over. 

ATC...yessss...you got it...he is totally their "lap dog". 

Zatol...haha.. that's funny...I sing "Cats in the Cradle" to him sometimes! 

Wisefor...I am totally in awe and admire the decisions you and your wife have made in regard to your family! We all complain about the "rat race" and talk about how we'd love to simplify our lives, but few are actually willing to make the sacrifices required. Kudos to you!


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

livnlearn said:


> Wisefor...I am totally in awe and admire the decisions you and your wife have made in regard to your family! We all complain about the "rat race" and talk about how we'd love to simplify our lives, but few are actually willing to make the sacrifices required. Kudos to you!


Thank you, I thought you would understand. 

Generally what happens in situations like yours where a woman starts resenting her husband is that her attraction to him wanes in proportion to the resentment building. It's not too fulfilling having sex with someone you resent. 

She gets short-tempered about things when they are together and becomes more withdrawn. She stops communicating with him because what is the point? Once you start down that path of living a different life in your head than what is being communicated between spouses, it's doom for the marriage. It might be an affair. It might be slowly drifting apart to divorce. 

But unless you shake this guy up enough to let him know how urgent it is to deal with, you are resigning yourself to the slow death.


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## Ostera (Nov 1, 2012)

Need help with the acronym: POJA


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Policy of joint agreement.


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