# trust, jealousy, insecurity



## randomperson (Jul 13, 2010)

Hello, here is my story. I met my wife a little over two years ago, we were married a little over one year ago, and then we both deployed for a year. Shortly before we deployed I started to withdraw, I'm still not completely certain what the reason was. While deployed I was a lot more withdrawn, we got to see each other a few times over that year, but things were not going very well.

She returned a month before me, and then moved out into her own apartment about four days after I returned. I still love her and she still loves me, but I am moving soon and she will be staying where we currently are at for at least a year.

Neither of us has cheated on the other, as far as I know. Her issues with me were that I started to ignore her, and seemed a bit depressed, didn't want to do much of anything. So, I was emotionally and physically withdrawn from her.

My issues with her are that she still talks to multiple men she used to have physical and emotional relationships with. Before we deployed she had stopped talking to them, because I told her it made me uncomfortable. While we were deployed though I found out that she had been writing them letters. When I confronted her about this, she gave me some BS story. I don't even mind her really good male friends, who she has known longer than me, she knew them before we even started seeing each other. The issue I do have is that she is constantly meeting new people, mostly men, and she talks / texts / emails / messages them all the time. I think it is disrespectful. That, and the ex's. I also feel like she is hiding things from me, not necessarily lying, but omitting. I have to ask her very specific questions if I want to get any real answers, and it makes me distrustful.

Before I returned we did discuss that we were having issues and she did bring up the possibility of not moving with me, but she had not made a decision. When I returned I asked her if she had come to a decision and she told me she was not coming with me, even though she had really decided this two weeks prior to my return. Before she moved out and before I returned I told her that if she was not coming with me that we were getting a divorce.

I tried to end it three times after she moved out, but she somehow convinces me that I am being selfish and I need to try. So, I try, but I am distrustful, insecure, and now jealous. I am not usually a jealous guy, but I have become one I noticed.

Is it ridiculous to not want your wife to be in communication with multiple ex's? Or to become angry or frustrated when she is constantly meeting new guys who she them communicates with fairly frequently? I'm trying to figure out if I am overreacting and being unfair about the situation.

I really do love her and want things to work out, there is no one I would rather spend the rest of my life with, but I don't think I can handle being away from her for a year, and I am scared that after that year is up she will decide to leave me anyway.

I know I am to blame for her seeking emotional comfort with other people, since I pushed her away by withdrawing myself. I don't know how to fix it though, especially if we are to be separated for a year. Should I wait for her and try to work on things or just end it? It is causing me a great deal of stress and grief. And yes, I am seeking counseling for myself.


----------



## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

I am friends with a few of my exes. And my boyfriend is friends with a few of his. We both know, as do all of our exes, that there is no chance of ever rekindling a relationship with them. And they are all aware of the fact that he and I are together. So to me, being friends with an ex is not an issue. I would find it bothersome if he were becoming friends with new women all the time, as I'm sure he'd say about me. So I don't think you're being unreasonable to want that to stop. 

I find it odd that she moved out, but she doesn't want a divorce. Does she want a separation? Has she given any explanation for moving out? You guys have already been apart for your deployment. My boyfriend, until very recently, was an over the road truck driver. Now he's a local driver who's home every night. After all that time apart, the absolute last thing I want is time AWAY from him. I love the fact that he is now here every evening, for me to touch, kiss, hold, spend time with. So I would think that at this point, she doesn't really want the marriage. If you've been apart all that time, and now she wants to move out and not be with you for the next year...I don't see any reason for that other than her wanting out. The whole telling you she doesn't want a divorce sounds like a cake situation - she wants to have her cake and eat it too, by living her life the way she wants but having you to fall back on when she needs/wants to.

Maybe someone else will have some other ideas, but I think the best thing to do would be to tell her that either she goes to counseling with you and you live together, or you get divorced and move on. Good luck.


----------



## randomperson (Jul 13, 2010)

Thanks for the reply. She moved out because she was miserable / unhappy, and I don't blame her for wanting to leave, but I dislike that she left and wants to stay together. She is already living like I am gone too, she makes almost no time for me, especially not weekend time. She might try to have lunch together once or twice in the week, but on the weekends she makes plans to go out with her friends. She says she gave me a chance (i.e. while we were deployed), but I don't agree. It was a much different environment, we rarely saw each other, and even when we did I had other things on my mind. I don't like that she is holding that against me. I pretty much came to the same conclusion as you though with the cake analogy. I don't see how things can / will improve when I move away and she stays here, it just means more time apart. I would think that if she really wanted to make it work then she would have stayed with me and tried to work it out. She says she wants to stay here because she has her support network, friends and family.

On another note, she hates counseling / therapists and refuses to see them. I will still go to counseling for myself. Oh, I forgot a few more things. We did discuss how the relationship would possibly work when I move away. We both agreed to not date other people or have physical relationships with anyone else. She said she would come visit, although we did not discuss frequency, and it is on the complete other side of the country.

I just got a new phone when I returned home, and she put it on her plan, although I did not realize this until it was too late. I have talked about getting it off of her plan and onto my own, but she doesn't want that because she is afraid if we get divorced that she will never hear from me again... which is quite true, and I have never hidden that. I will absolutely not be friends with her if we end up getting divorced. I will not turn myself into one of the very same guys that I don't like talking to her now.

Anyone else ever run across a situation like this? If so, how did it work out? Was a separation good?


----------



## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

"Giving you a chance" while on deployment isn't giving you a chance. Unless your deployment was to some tropical beach sipping margaritas, you had other, much more important things on your mind.

Have you tried flat out asking her what kind of relationship she wants to have with you? The way she's acting (moving out but not wanting a divorce, getting a phone for you on her plan so she can try to keep in touch if/when a divorce happens) makes me think that maybe she honestly doesn't know what she wants. When you two got married, had it been in the works or did you both find out you were being deployed and decide at that point to get married? If it was a decision made after finding out about deployment, I would wonder if perhaps she married out of fear (not knowing what would happen while deployed) and now that that's over, she's maybe realizing that she might not really have wanted to be married after all. But she's not entirely sure, so she's trying to hold on to you, and yet still live the life she could be living if single, so she can try to figure out which one she wants. It's totally not fair to you, but it could be what she's doing. Heck, even if the decision had nothing to do with deployment, it could still be what she's doing. 

I would talk to her and see if you can find out if that might be what's going on. If it is, then I guess you decide if you want to wait for her to make up her mind or if you want to make it up for her and just file for divorce. If you do wait for her, I would recommend giving her a time limit ("You have 6 months to do what you want and if you don't know what you want by then, I'm filing"), and maybe set some ground rules ("If you have sex with another man during that 6 months, I'm filing") to keep her from taking too much advantage of your love and generosity.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

randomperson said:


> I tried to end it three times after she moved out, but she somehow convinces me that I am being selfish and I need to try.


Try _what_? Letting her have as many boyfriends as she wants while she's married to you?

Move on.

You deserve a wife who actually CARES about you.


----------



## randomperson (Jul 13, 2010)

Thank you everyone for your advice. Just wanted to give an update. I had my first real session of counseling the other day and it really clarified a lot of things for me. I talked to my wife and told her I was going to be filing for divorce, and this time she didn't fight me on it. I also convinced her to release my phone number from her plan so I can put it on my own. She says she still wants to be friends and stay in touch, but I won't be doing that, as it is not very healthy for me. I still love her, and probably will for a long time, and although I want her to be happy I can't handle watching her being happy with other people just yet.

I have spoken to her a few times over the past couple of days, but it seems that every time we speak the conversation usually ends with her being angry. I told her some of the things I did this last weekend, and she seemed angry that she wasn't there to do them with me. Maybe she had anticipated a different reaction from me when she moved out, it seems that way at times. I don't know. Anyway, I will continue going to therapy for me and see how things go.

After speaking with the counselor I guess it is completely normal for people to withdraw emotionally before, during, and a little bit after deployments. I tried to explain that to my wife a few times but I don't think she will ever understand. Before I made any final decisions about divorce I had a long talk with my wife though. I talked to her about the multiple emotional affairs she has been having and she did admit to them, but justifies them because she was unhappy with me. I asked her directly if part of the reason she wants to try to make things work is financial and she said no. I am inclined to believe her on that one. I also told her if we were going to try to make it work that she needed to set aside more time for me, to which she replied that she wanted to spend less time together. There were a few other things that went into my decision, but mostly it was that people who want to make things work don't usually move out and decide to be apart... for another year.

Thanks again.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Best of luck. And thank you for serving. Stay safe!


----------

