# Bearing the financial responsibiity in our marriage is killing me...



## MizMom (Aug 5, 2009)

Hi,

I've peeked around on these boards from time to time, and found some of the responses to be so insightful with real thought towards helping others, and now it's my turn to ask I guess. I know I'll be long-winded so be forewarned... 

I have been with my husband for 10 years. When we met, he was unemployed and had moved back in with his parents at age 25 (Yes I know.. RED FLAG RED FLAG RED FLAG! ) I had gone through something similar myself for a few months at about the same age however, and really thought it was a temporary thing.) We lived in different cities, so things progressed quickly, and within about 6 months, he had come to my city to live and work with me, (I hired him at the company I work for). 

He is a wonderful, sensitive, caring, compassionate and funny man. He is an amazing father. However, he really struggles with his career and becoming a financial partner in this relationship. We married 7 years ago, and had our son a couple of years later. During this entire time, he has only had 2 jobs that lasted more than a few months. 

The job I "handed" to him was golden. With a little motivation, he could have been at the company 10 years by now, but he wasn't motivated to make it anything more than it was. I personally witnessed his work ethic first hand, and wasn't impressed. But, I love him and tried to encourage and support him to work towards to take advantage of the opportunity, but to no avail. Eventually (about 8 months in), my boss asked me to let him go. I thought to myself "he's still young, he's still trying to find his place, his parents never encouraged him to do anything... with support, he'll really find a great career and support our family.”

Fast forward to 10 years later. He has had a lot of training (AZ and DZ, and also Bricklaying), but still doesn’t have a long term job prospect, and is unemployed again as of today. He has probably had 20 or more jobs over the years, and even a few opportunities with huge companies with benefits, etc. He has not been able to keep any of these jobs, and often goes for a month or three before finding another job. He is not the type of person to exhaust every avenue and connection, but rather chooses to surf the internet for job sites etc. He does not "pound the pavement" in my opinion, which I really have a hard time understanding. 

I am completely unable to put myself in his position, or see things from his point of view at this point. Aside from my 3 month 'spell' of unemployment at age 24, I have worked non-stop since the age of 13. I managed to get my degree while working 2 and sometimes 3 jobs. I have been at the same job for 11 years, and have never been let go from any job for any reason. I am 40 years old and have NOTHING economically to show for my years of hard work except DEBT, primarily due to his lack of economic contribution to the marriage. We have incurred so much debt by living off of credit during his periods of unemployment, that we are now finally at the point where we are unable to pay our bills, or get any credit whatsoever. Our dreams of having a second child and owning a home are pretty much down the tubes, and I feel so angry, bitter and upset. 

What really bothers me is his lack of responsibility for this issue. He blames everyone else for his situation. It’s always the economy, the employers, the agencies, the weather, and the unions, but has NEVER been his fault. I have tried to point out that if he keeps doing the same thing, he will keep getting the same results. In the past, I have supported, encouraged, and cheered him on…finally now am just so angry about it, I can’t even talk to him at all, and completely shut him out. 

I don’t feel comfortable talking to anyone about this because I don’t want my family and friends to see the true situation. It embarrasses me and would not put him in a favourable light. So here I am. Maybe I just needed to get this out. I’m not sure how much more I can take. I can't continue to carry this marriage and family financially all by myself. 

Thanks for listening.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

im a lot like your H. i really dont like working and have little ambition down that road. however, it was something my H and i talked about and he was ok with that. 

i dont work, and my h does. we have no debt. i go to school and he pays for it. we save religiously. i have the same car that i bought years ago (a 1990 truck). i would never buy a new car. such a bad investment. we dont even own a tv. i ride the bus. we rarely spend money. and im always trying to convince my H that buying a house is such a bad idea.

anyway, what im getting at is it cant possibly be your H's entire fault for the current state of the finances. i realize you are really angry about all this, and i really do not mean to offend, i just think you both must be bad with money. I mean, your H must stay home and take care of your child and you said is an amazing father. in my opinion that is a very rare and fortunate thing to have a parent at home. your child is lucky. 

you two are very different. but that doesnt make your H irresponsible- or make the debt all his fault. he's a good father. that's very important. you both just need to learn to manage your money.


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## Questioning (Aug 5, 2009)

If you have so much debt I am wondering if you're living above your means.
When two people get married it is a partnership. It sounds to me like when you were married you fully expected him to carry his half financially so that you can maintain a degree of living standard. But, he is not carrying his half of the burdeon to meet that living standard.
So I would think you have to consider this - If he cannot contribute financially are you willing to lower your standard of living to accomodate both of you - make real cutbacks in order to get you guys out of debt. Who is pushing the spending?
If you want to keep your standard of living then you may want to consider moving on without him.


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## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

So, since he is not working, I assume he stays at home and takes care of your child and the house? My husband does not work....he is at home with our two children while I work and go to school to get my Master's Degree. Yeah, living on MY salary alone, our finances are VERY tight....but we live within our means. That means, as long as our kids have all that they need (and they do) then we go without pretty much ALL of our wants. It's a conscious sacrifice. By the time I am out of school, both boys will be in school at least part of the day, and the plan is for me to get a job at a University that pays for dependent tuition, so that my H can go to school for free. Yeah, that means he still won't be working, but we WILL still live within our means, even below what we could afford on paper would be fine by me. 
You've been with him for 10 years. Knowing his pattern of behavior very early into the marriage, you still chose to stay. What are you in debt for? Are they frivilous purchases, or did emergency household/medical/automobile repairs cause your debt to accrue? I just don't feel that you can place ALL of the blame on him...you contributed to the behavior by spending if you knew you should not have been, but even more so, you've contributed by staying in the relationship. It seems you either need to adjust your standard of living (it CAN be done) or you need to decide if this is the dealbreaker in your marriage.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Your husband sounds very much like my ex. I started working at the age of 12 and haven't stopped. Why? Because I need food, clothing, shelter. I would have loved to be home when my kids were young, and yes, it did cause a lot of resentment to build over the years.

I do agree that if my ex was great with staying home and raising the kids, although not ideal for me, but I would have welcomed that vs. paying a full-time nanny.

Interesting what I found out when we separated. Nanny said 'I'm going to miss Tuesday at the Movies' I guess it was BOGO free day at Blockbuster and he would bring 2 movies for them to watch. Who the heck was watching my kids?!

Anyway, I feel your frustration. Been there, done that, but no longer wearing the t-shirt


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## klewless (Jul 17, 2009)

I hate to be blunt - but get out now. I'm right here with you. My husband is an functional alcoholic and stopped going to work 5 years ago. I was pregnant at the time and should have left then. He's stayed home to watch her but still spent like he was working. 

If you can't both agree to a budget and stick to it and work toward being on steady ground financially, you need to just get out. The years of resentment of trying to make it work and picking up the pieces after a financially irresponsible spouse aren't worth it. 

He's done other things - besides the money- that have me looking at how to get out now but I wish I'd done it before.


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## MizMom (Aug 5, 2009)

Thanks so much for your responses...

I can see that I definately wrote my message during a very emotional time.. with the latest firing fresh in mind (he lasted 3 days at this job). 

We definately were not thrifty during the early year or 2 of our marriage... younger, new relationship, etc. 

We actually live on a very thirfty budget, and I do long for more, but I am not a materialistic person whatsoever. It's just hard because I work so hard (a full time job and an occasional part time job), but am not able to go see a movie, or take our son to a ball game or something, because we can't afford it. 
Our debt is primarily due to living costs... to be fair, we should have been more frugal during these times, and learned our lessons a bit too late, but always felt like it was temporary setbacks. 

He's always worked nights whenever possible to accomodate our son, and is, indeed a wonderful father. Unfortunately, we're not in a financial position to have one of us be a stay-at-home-parent. 

I don't think it's ALL his fault, but I think that if he just seemed to be trying more...seemed to be concerned about it more... seemed to WANT it more...that would make it a lot easier. 

Again, thanks so much for your responses and thoughts. 

Take care!


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