# Husband not willing to work on marriage



## janiliya (Nov 8, 2012)

I am just too tired and depressed. I have been married for close to 1.5 years now and our marriage has been difficult from the start. My husband constantly lied to me about everything- matters of consequence and trivial issues leading to constant arguments. Somewhere down the line, I had completely lost all my trust on him and because of the quarrels we had, both of us lost respect to each other. His family was always rather mean and rude and interfered in our life although I had always gone out of my way to be nice to them. He never stood by me in such occasions and always fiercely defended and protected them even if it meant being abusive to me.
I was upset cos he had done everything wrong and I had no trust or respect left for him but I had done nothing wrong that he had to treat me with such disrespect. One fine day, my husband disappeared. I was away from home and he took with him all my belongings. Ever since, he refuses to speak to me, mend his ways or even return my belongings.
I want to give this marriage a fresh start and another honest try but my husband simply refuses to even talk to me. He has already filed for divorce without even consulting me and does not want to talk about it either.
I just feel sad and depressed that although I did no wrong, I am having to receive such ill treatment. I have lost control over my life.
What do I do to persuade my husband to give this marriage another chance?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

janiliya said:


> My husband constantly lied to me about everything- matters of consequence and trivial issues ...
> 
> I was upset cos *he had done everything wrong* and I had no trust or respect left for him but *I had done nothing wrong* that he had to treat me with such disrespect.
> 
> ...


I suggest you re-read what you have posted. Your husband CONSTANTLY lied to you. He did EVERYTHING wrong. You, on the other hand, did NOTHING wrong during your marriage.

You have no respect for him. He has filed for divorce and has no desire to contact you. But, you maintain you did NOTHING wrong during the marriage.

Now you want to persuade your husband to give this mess you call a marriage another chance.

Are you serious? Look at what you posted. I simply reiterated what you said in my response. He's done. And, sorry to say, you HAD to make some contribution to the failure of your marriage.

Perhaps you should get some counseling, because it sounds like you aren't aware of what you did to cause the marriage to end. If you did nothing to trash the marriage, then I would question why you want to reconcile with a man who ALWAYS lied to you and never had your best interests at heart.


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

If you really did "no wrong" or at least nothing to deserve the treatment you got then its probably time to let this chapter of your life end and start a new one. For some people (maybe your husband) a marriage is a license to threat their partner like dirt. The commitment part makes them feel like they can dump everything on you and get away with it. Maybe its time for you to find some strength, center a bit and know that you're worth more then this. Some counseling to deal with the feelings and understand the choices that got you into the position would probably be a good move too.


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## janiliya (Nov 8, 2012)

Prodigal said:


> I suggest you re-read what you have posted. Your husband CONSTANTLY lied to you. He did EVERYTHING wrong. You, on the other hand, did NOTHING wrong during your marriage.
> 
> You have no respect for him. He has filed for divorce and has no desire to contact you. But, you maintain you did NOTHING wrong during the marriage.
> 
> ...


Hi Prodigal,
I definitely did not adapt well to being married to him and got tired of his lies pretty early in the marriage. Like I said, somwehere down the line I had lost respect for him and that showed in our frequent fights.
He was never there for me, he neither stood up for me nor did he even take care of me when I went through an injury that left me immobile. While I was recouping from injury at my parents house, my husband left me.
When I said I did nothing wrong, I meant I did nothing wrong deliberately but I do agree and accept that I have reacted strongly on some occassions.
He has already left me and now I only want him to give this marriage another chance so that we both work on this marriage consciously.


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## janiliya (Nov 8, 2012)

Shoto1984 said:


> If you really did "no wrong" or at least nothing to deserve the treatment you got then its probably time to let this chapter of your life end and start a new one. For some people (maybe your husband) a marriage is a license to threat their partner like dirt. The commitment part makes them feel like they can dump everything on you and get away with it. Maybe its time for you to find some strength, center a bit and know that you're worth more then this. Some counseling to deal with the feelings and understand the choices that got you into the position would probably be a good move too.


Thankyou Shoto.
Yes, may be living in denial and hoping for my husband to return will not help. He has made his choice and stuck to it, I guess its time for me to assess the options I have and be ready to face its consequences.
Hope does not die easily and although I wish things get better between him and me, divorce seems more likely.
I hope I find the strength in me to forgive, to let go of the pain he's inflicted and to move on. Mayb I can take solace from the fact that living with him was not easy so living without him will be just as easy/difficult. Whether we re-unite or seperate, the times ahead will be tough and I need to brace myself for the difficult times.


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## pandorabox (Dec 7, 2012)

If you had problems from start then no point to rebuild as there is nothing to rebuild. Meet the right man and enjoy good marriage


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

Has has constantly lied to you, not been there for you, has been disrespectful and abusive towards you but yet you want him to give the marriage another shot? WHY? He is who is. I doubt he will change. This is no loner about him, its about why YOU would even consider trying to work things out. Is your self esteem shot? Are you afraid of being alone? My suggestion, I'm not sure what kind of belongings of yours he took but if you want them back, get the police involved, and he might be court ordered to give them back to you, then move on from this mess, you deserve better.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Hire an attorney to (1) get your belongings back and (2) represent you in the divorce. His taking all of your stuff while you were immobile at your parents' house due to an accident is just ANOTHER EXAMPLE of how he doesn't respect you (just like all the lying). Every broken relationship can't necessarily be fixed, and with some (like THIS ONE) you shouldn't even try.

Get into some counseling to help you move on from this relationship in a healthy way; you want to be able to move forward and have new relationships (not just DATING relationships) that are healthy, fulfilling and GOOD FOR YOU.


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## janiliya (Nov 8, 2012)

Yes, I am very worried about being alone. I am not a loser but currently feel like one. And my belongings are not just stuff, they are dreams that I had seen. EVery one of them, I worked hard to earn them and saw so many dreams. Every piece of furniture was carefully selected, saved hard for, every kitchen tool that I bought was with dreams to cook something special, every dress associated with memories.
Now I have nothing. It was every penny of my hard earned money, every dream that I dreamed and now I neither have my dreams nor memories/soveniers of my dreams. I am having start afresh - he mopped the house clean,taking away even my wardrobe along with all my clothes.
I have nothing left from my past life and I feel so angry that he stole everything that was mine although he had not contributed even a fraction of a penny in it.
Sometimes I feel I want to get back with him because I want to get back with my own old life. I am not a materialistic person but I just cant let go off the fact that he has stripped me of each and everything that was mine that all I am left of is bitter memories and pain.
Will I ever be able to get over this? I feel so lonely inspite of being around people who really love and care for me.


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## pandorabox (Dec 7, 2012)

janiliya said:


> Yes, I am very worried about being alone. I am not a loser but currently feel like one. And my belongings are not just stuff, they are dreams that I had seen. EVery one of them, I worked hard to earn them and saw so many dreams. Every piece of furniture was carefully selected, saved hard for, every kitchen tool that I bought was with dreams to cook something special, every dress associated with memories.
> Now I have nothing. It was every penny of my hard earned money, every dream that I dreamed and now I neither have my dreams nor memories/soveniers of my dreams. I am having start afresh - he mopped the house clean,taking away even my wardrobe along with all my clothes.
> I have nothing left from my past life and I feel so angry that he stole everything that was mine although he had not contributed even a fraction of a penny in it.
> Sometimes I feel I want to get back with him because I want to get back with my own old life. I am not a materialistic person but I just cant let go off the fact that he has stripped me of each and everything that was mine that all I am left of is bitter memories and pain.
> Will I ever be able to get over this? I feel so lonely inspite of being around people who really love and care for me.


Those dreams were with your husband - same with dresses with memories - they will never represent the dream anymore but nightmare and disappointment. Forget this stuff and move on. I know you lonely but it's much better to be lonely when really alone then with partner. It hurts less. Close this chapter - shi# happens and we have to get over it if we want to be happy. You still a big winner as you didn't waste years and years as many here did.


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