# i went 180 and started counseling and have changed, now he's mad.



## momtoboys (Apr 22, 2012)

I havent posted in a week or so. Ive been going to counseling, the dentist (getting last minute dental work that i never did while married because i always put myself last! and even got my hair done and a pedicure and have been taking care of myself physically). I have went 180 and even realized the mistakes i made in my marriage and have worked to change them. (the nagging, and jealousy, etc.) to better my next relationship i am in.

Well my ex has realized i have changed, i havent revolved my world around him, im doing things for myself and the kids and enjoying life. He has noticed a complete attitude change as well. (i have struggled with anxiety and counseling has really helped with the anxiety and it did cause alot of my "attitude" that he hated. I was over whelmed). Well now he seems mad or annoyed or sad or i dont know! He keeps saying "im glad you changed, i just dont understand why you couldnt change these things while we were together, then our marriage would have been awesome". He even accused me of changing to try to get him back. No, i changed because i needed to and im a lot happier. 

Yeah things woulda been awesome for HIM if i changed earlier, but not me. He still hasnt changed anything. He still blames EVERYTHING on me. It's sort of annoying. I have even found myself bored by him now. I am just so glad i followed the advice and went 180 and im so glad i have started putting myself as a priority. 


is it normal for this sort of response from them when you go 180? I am even pleasant to him on the phone when he calls, always happy and up beat. I can say we have even became some what friends.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

YAY YOU!

A roommate of mine said something to me once that changed my life. She was a gorgeous, gorgeous girl so her life was a bit different than mine, but one time I was upset because my boyfriend was mad at me, and she said, "so what? Let him be mad!"

So I say to you, with a nod to my lovely roommate Minoo...SO WHAT? LET HIM BE MAD


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## UpnDown (May 4, 2012)

First of all, good for you. Glad to hear you are in a better place!!

When I did the 180 stbxw got mad for sure, started commenting on why I wasn't saying certain things and basically complaining about my changed attitude. Although, I do not think she thought of it as anything pure like me 'changing', it was more of me trying to 'get at her' in someway.

I used to need to do everything with her, never leave her side etc and when I started to express my disinterest in doing things with her (sitting by her at events etc) she got all mad.

She started to become a little nicer to me, but now she has turned a corner and from what I can tell is doing a dark/nc type thing against me. Doesn't say hi or bye to me (which she complained about previous that I had stopped doing) and even today I asked her while she was dropping the kids off "how are you doing today?" and she gave me this kind of 'why are you asking me' type look/response.

She has never come out and said what your ex has said, she's really not that kind of person .. keeps it all bottled up and explodes in other areas.

But let him blame you for everything, you have clearly started to claim your faults in the marriage and you don't need to worry about his feelings.

Keep working on yourself and let him stew in his own mentality problems.

Good for you!!!


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## momtoboys (Apr 22, 2012)

Thanks for the replies! I feel great. I thought id never feel better but i do. 180 really is about making yourself feel better. It works. 

up- thats so funny that she has started doing things that she complained about you doing like not saying hi or bye, haha. Thats too funny!


im wondering how all of this with him is going to pan out. Things would be so much better and even fixable if he'd change and admit his faults. He yesterday admitted that he has had issues since being back from Afghanistan but yet said i drove him to that point. Some how whatever he goes through is some how my fault, lol.


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## UpnDown (May 4, 2012)

Plan for it to pan out in divorce, it's your best mental option.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

momtoboys said:


> Thanks for the replies! I feel great. I thought id never feel better but i do. 180 really is about making yourself feel better. It works.
> 
> up- thats so funny that she has started doing things that she complained about you doing like not saying hi or bye, haha. Thats too funny!
> 
> ...


MTB,

When he starts telling you it's your fault now, how do you respond?


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## momtoboys (Apr 22, 2012)

Conrad said:


> MTB,
> 
> When he starts telling you it's your fault now, how do you respond?


I use to get defensive and angry and go off on him and point out his faults. Now I just say sorry I've done that and I know I've messed up and apologize
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

That's awesome!

It's a normal response...I mean, however he reacts is "normal"...

Just keep doing what you're doing


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

momtoboys said:


> I use to get defensive and angry and go off on him and point out his faults. Now I just say sorry I've done that and I know I've messed up and apologize
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Here's one better.

Agree with him that you weren't a good match and that's why you're moving on.


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## grenville (Sep 21, 2011)

momtoboys said:


> He yesterday admitted that he has had issues since being back from Afghanistan but yet said i drove him to that point.


Wow, he blames you for having issues after returning from a war zone?! I can certainly understand how he might have issues and might need some extra support in dealing with them, but there must be some serious level of confusion going on inside his head if he thinks you're the problem there. Has he had any help from the forces?

Good job on the 180 though, sounds like it's really worked out for you.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Conrad said:


> Here's one better.
> 
> Agree with him that you weren't a good match and that's why you're moving on.


This :lol:

That's exactly what they need to hear to experience the mindf*** that they caused in the first place.


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## ItMatters (Jun 6, 2012)

Good for you- and good comment, Conrad!


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## momtoboys (Apr 22, 2012)

Conrad said:


> Here's one better.
> 
> Agree with him that you weren't a good match and that's why you're moving on.


Conrad that's great advice! I did end up agreeing with him and even pointed out my own faults and said I agreed with everything he named off yesterday when he went on this rampage of the problems we had. He has not responded since I agreed with him lol.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

momtoboys said:


> Conrad that's great advice! I did end up agreeing with him and even pointed out my own faults and said I agreed with everything he named off yesterday when he went on this rampage of the problems we had. He has not responded since I agreed with him lol.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


MTB,

Agree with him on everything (except when he tries to be cheap with your settlement).

Give defiant people what they want.

Then there's no fight.

Key to this is you must realize he's in the habit of hurting himself to hurt you. I know it makes no sense, but it's what broken people do. If you look at your history, you'll see it.

Now, you are free to let him.


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