# Husbands crazy jealously over my ex BF in HIGH SCHOOL driving me NUTS!!!!



## savannah (Apr 4, 2008)

_Hello, It's been awhile since I was here. But issues have not changed. My husband have in the past years shown signs of depression, I don't know for sure becasue he won't go to a doctor. But its been non stop depression, complaining about life in general, work, money... everything under the sun. 

Biggest issue that sparks it all is his insane jealously over my ex boyfriend in High School that mind you, I have not seen since I was 20! I never cheated on him over this guy AT ALL, but because he feels I had a real close relationship with this ex BF, he is always so jealous of him!

My husband and I met soon after I broke up with my highschool boyfriend, and to this day he thinks I have plans to run away with a person who might as well be non existent! I have not seen or talked to this person in 20 years, but my husbands insane jealousy, makes him think I am , or sneaking around, or lying... It's insane!!! Affecting our relationship now, and I don't know how to change his thinking! 

He's been this way for 20 years and sadly, I guess I just let it go. Now I am so sick and tired of this, that I just ignore his comments.. I mentally have no strength to fall into his conversation traps, depression issues! We have two wonderful kids and he is missing out on our family life over this crazy idea, plus depression, whining about life in general! 

Sometime I feel that I am going crazy! Thought of leaving, but I just can get myself to do it. Somehow I still think something will work out... but lately I feel so sad to think this is my whole life... in a blink of an eye 20 years can pass again, and this is all there is to our marriage.

We hardly talk, he's always suspicious of me, our relationship depends highly on whether he is in a "good mood"... kids walk around him like eggshell, because they also get his bad mood if they interact with him.

HELP! Am I the only one with such a crazy problem??? I feel so alone sometimes, like he's not even there at all....  _


----------



## Mello_Yellow (Feb 22, 2012)

What kind of comments does your husband make? Did he know the ex BF at all? Just trying to get a feel for what all is taking place. It is rather odd that your husband would still be acting this way after 20 years.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Do you ever bring up your old boyfriend? Do you have anything still related to him.. pictures? gifts he gave you?

I think that you first need to deal with your husband's depression. Since he will not go for meds, perhaps you should look into non prescription things that could help him.

There are things like St. John's Wart, SAM-e, DHA, Valerian and many more. 

SAM-e is prescribed for depression in Europe very often as it's safter, cheaper and over the counter. It is said to work as well as many of the prespecription drugs. It's also a chemical that our bodies make.. but some people become depleted in it, especially as we age.

You might want to do some research on the internet for things that can help him.


----------



## TKIGuy (Mar 14, 2012)

Sounds like he may be a bit more than depressed. There is a certain amount of paranoia and there is clearly a pathological in security. Your husband needs some professional help. You have to talk to him and try to get him into therapy.
Good luck


----------



## savannah (Apr 4, 2008)

@MELLO YELLO - No he does not know or ever have even known my ex BF, I lived in a different city then and neither shared any common friends. BUT he did know that my ex BF would try and still call me even after we broke up, and I was seeing my husband-- I never entertained the calls, so I don't quite understand that even after 20 years, he is acting like this was just yesterday! He makes comments "suggesting" I am with someone.. Like "Why are you late" , "who did you go to lunch with" , "Why are you so dressed nicely?" - Im very upset because my life revolves around work & home , I commute 60 miles one way to my work and have little to no time to do much of anything, why in the world would he think such awful things?? 

@ELEGIRL - Yes, I am looking into this. Will he actually take it? I don't know. He realizes he has some form of depression, but has to much pride to go in to a doctor to get help. I have tried, with no advancement ...

@TKIGUY - yes paranoia is part of it, he will sometimes have a bad dream- YES a dream and then be angry at me becasue he had some crazy dream about me! How insanely ridiculous is this?????

Thank you all for your insights , I feel like I deal with this over and over and over .. it never ends!


----------



## lost soul (May 20, 2009)

I had wrote a long post on how your thread reminded me of being a kid and seeing my parents go through their drama but after proofing it , , , it didn't seem to fit. Then I was gonna send you a message and thought we're all anonymous so what's the diff public/private

So from reading other posts that you've posted you seem to have good common sense, which most times is better than intelligence. You been in it for 20 yrs, have kids and are not gonna leave. That's pretty much my ground also and this is my stand. SELFISHNESS , , , We've put up with a lot of frustration and we deserve to spoil ourselves ! ! ! ! What ever hobby you have or thing you love to do..... Take it to the next level or even better all the way to the top. I'm into classic cars and have a three car garage and it's full because I deserve it. If your gonna stay with him and see it through and he's not gonna make you happy, , , make yourself happy. The first chance you get pack up the kids for the weekend or by yourself and spend money. You'll come home and he'll be pissed off,,,, and think to yourself "Oh Well"


----------



## lost soul (May 20, 2009)

OMG my wife has dreams of me cheating also and in the morning be giving me attitude trying to tell me about her dream as we hurry up trying to go to work ! ! ! Wow I thought my wife was the only nut in the world hahahha I love here though


----------



## savannah (Apr 4, 2008)

@LOST SOUL - yes I do try and "IGNORE" him for the most part- but we live under the same roof and we aren't necessarily in a mansion for me not to see him.. so it still is difficult. But I try and do my own thing... have fun with the kids, and basically TRY and at least make MY existence as best I can. HAHA but I do like your point! My friends tell me to spoil myself all the time... its not a permanent fix, but heck, it sure makes you feel good! 

And yes, this crazy dream thing happens at least once a month, he's even gotten better now, he used to not talk to me for days after having a dream! 

I feel like I'm going insane!


----------



## abandonedcompletely (Dec 21, 2011)

Oh my goodness, My husband is the same way, though I didn't know it was still going on in his mind until I found out this year what he's really been thinking.

When we first got married, he was insanely jealous. I told him I wasn't going to put up with it and I thought it stopped when I stopped working and became a SAHM.

Here, for years, my husband thought I called my ex, from 25 years ago, when he would leave for work. I had no idea he thought this, but it certainly explains his awful treatment towards me.

Believe me, I never him a reason for it either. All I did was take care of the kids and the home. I never went anywhere. And when I separated from my husband for 2 years, I certainly didn't call my ex-boyfriend.

Now, If I sit outside, my husband is checking to see if I'm talking to anyone (like a man). I just think "what the heck???, what, am I going to jump some guy's bones?"

I find it insulting to my character. I am not that kind of person and never was... I don't deserve that...

There's only so much you can do to reassure someone, but if they have deep seeded insecurities, only counseling will help. All I know is that I am not going to be made to feel guilty when I'm innocent, nor am I going to stop doing what I enjoy, like visiting family because of his jealousy.

It's my husband and his insecurities. It's something he is going to have to deal with. 

My heart goes out to you for I know how difficult it is dealing with feeling you have to defend yourself when you've done nothing wrong. It's exhausting and infuriating.


----------



## savannah (Apr 4, 2008)

@ABANDONDCOMPLETLY- OMG! I thought I was the only one dealing with this crazy situation! He often looks at me whenever I even look at my phone, thinking I'm texting "someone"!

It is very frustrating to have to reassure him I'm not doing anything wrong... The ahrdest part is I travel a lot for work, and constantly gives me grief by "suggesting" he does not know what I do when I travel... Sadly my main concern when I travel was feeling awful that I am leaving my family for days.. not getting together with someone!

I've tried for years and years to re-assure him... With the way things are going he will continue to be this way even when we are in our 80's! 

What bothers me is that this is such a waste of life NOW... dwelling on something that isn't there... missing out on everything that we should be enjoying NOW...

I'm at a loss, and frankly numb from repeated occurences of the same old thing... I have reverted to ignoring his "attitude" and snide remarks... but I am not truly numb, it still hurts to hear this and no matter what I say, I can't do anything more...

We went to marriage counselling- but did not go well. Counselor wanted to uproot his insecuries... and suddenly stop at "We'll continue next week".. so for a week he would be so angry at the newly brought up issues, and made it hell at home for me...

Just today he texts me saying he can't trust me! Why is he doing this????!!!


----------



## abandonedcompletely (Dec 21, 2011)

Yeah Savannah, no matter how much you try to reassure them, it's never enough. The only thing that helps is for them to become more assured in themselves.

Sadly, they do it to control, hoping to prevent the person from leaving, but usually it has the opposite affect.


----------



## itgetsbetter (Mar 1, 2012)

If he has been this mistrustful and paranoid for two decades...virulently fixated on this man you haven't seen or heard of in all these years... his problem is not mere depression. Your husband sounds like he has a profound mental health issue. Be careful. These sorts of problems can worsen suddenly and quickly. I'm not a psychiatrist, but if he worsened....he could become even more irrational and possibly dangerous.


----------



## savannah (Apr 4, 2008)

@ABANDONEDCOMPLETELY- Yes, sadly that is true, I cannot MAKE him realize he is being ridiculous in his assumptions... this is why its been this way for so long!

@ITGETBETTER- Yes, thanks... will keep watch at this closely...


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Sorry if I missed this, but you have not seen this guy in 20 years. have you had any other contact with him in that time via mail, FB or phone call? I am thinking not but just wanted to make sure.


----------



## savannah (Apr 4, 2008)

@ENTROPY- Oh no! Last I saw him was REALLY after High School ! He did try and talk to me then. try calling my house, etc. But we were kids! And who's bf/gf doesnt try and get back together with you after breaking up at that age??

I never responoded to those attempts, more so to let go of the relationship. Then my relationship with my H (then new bf) got more serious... and hee we are.

But no. No emails, calls, nothing since. So all this assumptions being given to me are "what ifs" in his mind... He tells me , I "could" do this and that... then is angry for the "possibilities" even though it has not happened!


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

savannah said:


> @ENTROPY- Oh no! Last I saw him was REALLY after High School ! He did try and talk to me then. try calling my house, etc. But we were kids! And who's bf/gf doesnt try and get back together with you after breaking up at that age??
> 
> I never responoded to those attempts, more so to let go of the relationship. Then my relationship with my H (then new bf) got more serious... and hee we are.
> 
> But no. No emails, calls, nothing since. So all this assumptions being given to me are "what ifs" in his mind... He tells me , I "could" do this and that... then is angry for the "possibilities" even though it has not happened!


Wow ....

And I guess you are not screaming you olds BFs name during sex. Nevermind. 

So he some sense of inadequacy?


----------



## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

Wow, this thread really throws a different light onto it. 

Your husband sounds extremely insecure. He might be bringing up the old b/f --not because he really thinks you are or would cheat--, but just because he wants/needs to hear you deny it. He needs to hear that you are faithful/ still love him. 

I really feel for you. He has deep seeded insecurity issues. They are starting to really wear you down. So now, when You ignore it, it is different from your past reactions...so he thinks, something has changed to make you not deny it anymore.

He really needs counseling. You must really love him deep down, to put up with it for 20 years.


----------



## savannah (Apr 4, 2008)

@ CHELLE D - Yes, it is a very hard 20 years, had we not have had children, I would have surely gone insane or left! Yes, that is true as well... I think he always wants to hear me say that I am not doing anything wrong.. but how long can and do you have to say this to someone?

When we first met, henever showed signs of insecurities - funny becasue I avoided men who seemed insecure because I was always afraid of being in this type of relationship... But here I am.

Part of this, was brought onto another thread I started about Depression/Bi polar issues... someone mentioned it could also be Borderline Personality Disorder - that maybe its some old deep seeded issues HE has personally in life.

Well not sure if this is realted, but to me it does. He grew up with very controlling parents, second child of four kids, none of the kids were ever given their own mind, so to speak. Everything had to be done according to what mom or dad said... no excuses, or questions. They were not allowed even allowed to choose what profession they wanted in life... parents dictated the "perfect" profession for them.. all 4 kids went to college, done what they were TOLD to do.. and NONE of the 4, are even in the profession they were told to be in now, because later in life, when mom and dad were far, far away... they gained the freedom to change their mind... To this day, my H ad his siblings chat about how their parents wasted their life... supressing them from being who they were and speaking out for themselves... 

I think that he has a lot of parent dependence growing up as they were never shown how to "deal" with issues... mom and dad fixed it for them...so now an adult with his own issues, he is helpless and clueless and confused on how to fix everything... 

Its no wonder parents should really be careful how they impact their children growing up - This could be added "insecurity" issues he never lost as a child...


----------

