# To Confront or not Confront?



## newlife94 (Aug 11, 2011)

My situation is a little complicated...here is the basics- he is an officer in the military, currently deployed (where he started the affair). We live in a high cost area and I can't afford to live here with our kids alone- although I do work and know he will pay child support for our 3 kids. 
I have learned he has 2 secret email accounts, which I know how to break into....but when I do, he will know and be very angry with me for snooping and not having blind trust. He did the text book WS act- went to Iraq, started the A, blamed me for being the reason our marriage was falling apart, said he needed to "find himself", needed space...stopped calling (for a month!!), spent lots of money on stuff he would never have done before, cursed me, told me to file the paperwork, etc. When I was the calm, cool, rational person....he quickly learned he would not get the quicky divorce he wanted. His career is on the line here if his commander finds out. The OW is in the service as well and so her career is in jeopardy now. He thinks I am mad that he has a "friend" who is a female...he thinks I am so stupid that I don't know what was really going on. Even though I showed him the anonymous email I received that told me what was happening. 
The entire time he was telling me to divorce him, he was saying it was because he fell out of love...I should have known. In my heart I did know, but now I have way more evidence than I need and I know when I do get into the other email accounts it will be the nail in the coffin of our marriage. He has never admitted to the A, does not show remorse and got angry at me when I asked him why he was skyping with her after he asked for R. 
I know he wants to cake eat. What do I do? I am preparing financially...but I have to be careful, if he sees too much money moving he will know what my move is. Right now he thinks I am on board with R and will just offer blind trust, all the while he is hiding his email accts and lying.


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## kenken (Jun 21, 2011)

i dont know if im the position to tell you to not let him know that u spyed on him,as i did with my husband becuz my situation got worst when i told him that broke into his ym,now here's my thought,try to calm your self first and foremost,to my understanding wandering H are simply wandering,but the worst case scenario is that they might fall and leave you,he leave you becuz he will find stressful for naggering and ranting about the OW,ive also seen some wife who just kept their silence with all of the affairs of their partner and they won the battle with the OW,what i understood is that mistresses will do their everything to be perfect for the man they are hanging with,believe me,im not selling myself,but i was once the OW,i did everything sweetnes,sex,thoughtfulness and what not?i almost won over the wife,the only thing was i went of the country to get rid of the ridicolous affair,i wonder what could happen if stayed.now i am married with a man i thought who will love me and here in this forum.funny isnt?stay calm and sane,craziness will get u no where,let him do the papers and talking,kill him with kindness. just a thought,but again its all up to you. hugs to you!


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Save the evidence of the affair, confront him on his adultery and confront her and her husband or if she is single her parents. This won't go unless you report their adultery to the CO, I hear your concern over the money , look at it this way he wants to divorce you anyway . At least let people know the truth and ensure the OW is seen for what she is .

Exposure is not the end of the world for you, your husband will rant rave and threaten , many marriages recover from affairs, exposure helps kill the affair not the marriage .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bs193 (Jan 2, 2011)

Get a ream of paper and plenty of ink for your printer. Then sit down and access his email accounts. Print them all or forward them to your email account. Chances are, he probably already cleaned them up after you showed him the other email. 

Then contact the OW(you will have her email address) and, as I said before, introduce yourself. Make it appear like you know more than you really do but provide her a life line by telling her you don't think your husband said he was married; therefore, she probably won't have anything to worry about when you expose the affair to his CO. If she did know, this will put the fear of God into her. If she didn't, she may just give you more ammunition to work with.

As has been stated, this will destroy the affair and bring him back to the painful reality you are in. Time to level the playing field.


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## newlife94 (Aug 11, 2011)

I do agree that I need to expose them both. I do have all of her contact information. I have her mother's email, know where she lives, EVERYTHING. He has been in communication with her mom for months now, almost daily emails asking how things are going....I was disgusted when I read it all. I know way more than I ever thought. I knew there was the affair, but why would he be in touch with her family. Putting a picture of her dog on his desk at work....oh, it is just dispicable.
Last night he got very weird on the phone and I finally just asked him what the heck was wrong with him. (he is still deployed). He said that he knew I had gone through his email (only one account, he has 2 others I have not gone through yet.) He said that he hopes I found what I was looking for and that I had betrayed his trust. WTH? He had the affair and I betrayed him? He is still denying everything, says that she was his only friend and was helping him through a hard time (cause he asked for a divorce to find himself...hmmm, classic). She is recently divorced and was offering support. She is no longer deployed with him and has returned to her station but they still contact each other. I know when I break into the other accounts, the stuff will hit the fan, but he already said last night that he is "done, and not just with this conversation." He says he won't let me control him. He does not think he should have to look over his shoulder.
What the heck is he thinking? I am just going to let him cake eat?


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## bs193 (Jan 2, 2011)

No. Do what you need to do, and do it today. Email this person and her mother. You say you know you need to expose it, so why haven't you. Email them both, then don't accept his calls.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

There is no need to think about it , expose this to both their CO's and families.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## newlife94 (Aug 11, 2011)

I don't know why I am so scared to just hack the accounts. He is already blaming me for the entire thing. He says that I can't control him....for some reason he is really stuck on this control thing. Even started yelling at me last night that he wanted off the phone and I was trying to control when he could go. WTF??? I am your wife, you call me from Iraq and this is how you are? 
I told him that I felt betrayed that he had been taking her to dinner and having lunch with her everyday (for months before I found out) and he said that he had asked me for a divorce so it was none of my business. He NEVER filed any paperwork and the only thing that had been done was I!!!!! split our finances. When we decided to R, I put all our money back joint.....feeling like that was a dumb idea. I don't trust him now. He is saying this is why we can't work and making me feel like the D word is coming back.
Will exposing them really end the affair or make them take it underground? She is in Japan and he is in Iraq....I think she is trying to get stationed near him for the next duty station. Based on what I read in the emails.
This sucks. I have 3 children and I don't want to embarrass our family any more than it already is.


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## newlife94 (Aug 11, 2011)

When I read what I wrote, it sounds like I am trying to protect him???!!!! Why am I doing this? He is not concerned about me, he actually goes out of his way to with hold affection and attention. It is stupid of me to even care what he thinks at this point.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

You're a military wife. You've been brainwashed pre-deployment to hold a marriage together and to make unhealthy allowances for an unhealthy person who is behaving contradictory to the terms of the moral character he supposedly embraced when he enlisted or was commissioned. As a former officer in the US military I would say that being FAITHFUL and HONEST is not really all that difficult, especially when one is DEPLOYED and should have one's nose on the MISSION and setting a GOOD EXAMPLE and not opening up a breach in the FOUNDATION of what keeps EVERYONE WHO IS DEPLOYED mentally healthy and sound during a deployment. Your H has become one of the WEAKEST LINKS. If you attach yourself to him the way you have, tolerating his behavior and protecting him, you will subject yourself to the consequences he brings upon himself. Nothing good can come of his action. I am thoroughly disgusted with my own H's actions, and it is apparent to me that he has pretty much cooked his goose reputation-wise in our state's National Guard. I have my own support to deal with the mess he left behind and I don't invest any energy into a lost cause. He doesn't represent my morals or values and I have made that perfectly clear to his unit and to others. Think back into your subconscious to all those pre-deployment briefings about tolerance and support. Those are MEANT FOR THE DEPLOYED SOLDIERS WHO ARE MAKING AN EFFORT, not the ones who use their spouses as a doormat and the deployment as a hallpass maneuver.


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## bs193 (Jan 2, 2011)

Hack his other accounts and send the emails to the OW and her mother. Attach a family pic of the three of you so there is no room for misunderstanding. Also let her know your husband put his wedding ring back on the day after she returned stateside.

You feel like you are protecting him because he has manipulated you to feel that way. You are not being controlling but that is what he wants you to think. He will make everything out to be your fault and will manipulate you into believing that IF YOU LET HIM. Take a stand NOW!


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Blame shifting - he can't face himself in the mirror and accept responsibility. Copy or forward everything from those accounts and be sure to delete the sent messages from the forwarding. Notify ehr and her mother with the copies. Hold off on the CO's until you see his reaction. You couold ruin his career - until your sure your all done forever don't do that. IF you are done, notify the CO's. Strip all accounts and kill all joint accounts and notify Experiend, Trans Union and Equifax to put afraud alter on the account you seperated and no new joint credit is to be issued. Get moving girl!


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## newlife94 (Aug 11, 2011)

My cover is a little blown....he knows I went through one email account. I don't think he knows that I found out about the other 2. He is now with holding all contact. No emails and no phone calls, he is in Iraq so that is fine with me, it is giving me time to gather myself and plan for my children. He only wanted custody to avoid child support.....and said it on skype in front of the kids (the are 10-13). Way to go Dad of the year.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Lawyer up and close/clean out financials.


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## bs193 (Jan 2, 2011)

8yearscheating said:


> Lawyer up and close/clean out financials.


Sorry, but if you haven't already done this and emailed the OW and her mother, you are being the doormat your husband is expecting you to be.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Sorry bs193 - I hate it when newbies are called doormats. Help her, don't beat on her self esteem - it's already in tatters.


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## bs193 (Jan 2, 2011)

We can agree to disagree on tact. Sorry, but she needs to step up and help herself at this point.


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## newlife94 (Aug 11, 2011)

8--I do appreciate that. 
It is true though, he is playing me because he thinks I won't act. He thinks I am that deer stuck in the headlights and will not do anything.
Well, I revealed his A to his parents a while ago and when his brother called, I told him I thought there was someone else. I did not know if his brother was fishing for info so I did not say too much. His Mom and I have always been close- we've been together over 15 years so she is like my mom and not his. We talk for hours on the phone, even now. She is disgusted with the situation...but in the end I think she will try to protect his career. I won't. He is doing NOTHING to protect me, actually going out of his way to screw me over.
I guess my fear is with contacting the OW, she will just think I am the jealous, loopy ex-wife he says I am. I bet she would be surprised to hear about our being intimate when he came home for leave. Or if she is part of this game, she will deny it all and I won't get anything from the confrontation but her defending him and that connection getting stronger. 
I think what he is trying to do is play nice with me until we move to TX and then he will leave me for her (she is trying to get stationed there as well) and then he can cake eat by having the kids in the same town. He is playing all of this to benefit him and I know I need to find my nerve and just do what I have to.


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## GETTING PAST THE HURT (Aug 15, 2011)

newlife94 said:


> I guess my fear is with contacting the OW, she will just think I am the jealous, loopy ex-wife he says I am. I bet she would be surprised to hear about our being intimate when he came home for leave. Or if she is part of this game, she will deny it all and I won't get anything from the confrontation but her defending him and that connection getting stronger.


 What would be the point in this? Are you sure your done? If so there is no need to speak to her. Email her if you need to vent and be done with it. After knowing this man in and out for 15 years I would think this would be no surprise to you. When this was new to me in my marriage my mother gave me some great advice....." ARE YOU TIRED YET? cause if not there is nothing I or anyone else can say to you that will make you go. Marriage is not a boyfriend girlfriend thing. you either make it work on your end or your not, If not you have to be tired. Not ready to play games with her." I remember this cause every time I called her crying about what my H or the OW had done now she would repeat it(always hoping I was not. She really loves my H and hopes we will get it right) Be honest with yourself 1st: Is the Union worth it? If it is then fight but if you already have one foot out the door you are just prolonging your own pain playing games with them.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

newlife94 said:


> 8--I do appreciate that.
> It is true though, he is playing me because he thinks I won't act. He thinks I am that deer stuck in the headlights and will not do anything.
> Well, I revealed his A to his parents a while ago and when his brother called, I told him I thought there was someone else. I did not know if his brother was fishing for info so I did not say too much. His Mom and I have always been close- we've been together over 15 years so she is like my mom and not his. We talk for hours on the phone, even now. She is disgusted with the situation...but in the end I think she will try to protect his career. I won't. He is doing NOTHING to protect me, actually going out of his way to screw me over.
> I guess my fear is with contacting the OW, she will just think I am the jealous, loopy ex-wife he says I am. I bet she would be surprised to hear about our being intimate when he came home for leave. Or if she is part of this game, she will deny it all and I won't get anything from the confrontation but her defending him and that connection getting stronger.
> I think what he is trying to do is play nice with me until we move to TX and then he will leave me for her (she is trying to get stationed there as well) and then he can cake eat by having the kids in the same town. He is playing all of this to benefit him and I know I need to find my nerve and just do what I have to.


What is your goal? Protecting yourself? Attempting to repair marriage? Revenge? Waiting it out to see his next move? Until you decide what your ultimate goal is, it's hard to help because I think you've shown every direction in this thread. I would recommend until you decide, being more discreet with your actions (telling H about all you know, talking to his family etc) because you are slowly losing any advantage you might have in regards to saving evidence and protecting assets.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## newlife94 (Aug 11, 2011)

I am going in all directions. I feel betrayed, taken advantage of and sad. I have been fighting for my marriage this entire time. I do not want to divorce. I am trying to get him out of this stupid fog and have him see what he is doing to not only himself but our marriage. 
When he got mad at me for looking in the email, he said he was done- and not just with that conversation. He has not called for 3 days now and before he would call everyday. I am not sure what his next move is. He did not mention divorce again, so I am not sure if he is just needing space or if he is planning for us to split. 
I see so many telling me to confront him with what I know but I wonder if that will just make him mad. 
I am new to this forum and I am trying to figure out what to do without ruining any chance for R. If there is a chance, I want it.
He refuses MC and I have been seeing the Chaplain but it is hard to do a one sided thing.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

newlife94 said:


> I am going in all directions. I feel betrayed, taken advantage of and sad. I have been fighting for my marriage this entire time. I do not want to divorce. I am trying to get him out of this stupid fog and have him see what he is doing to not only himself but our marriage.
> When he got mad at me for looking in the email, he said he was done- and not just with that conversation. He has not called for 3 days now and before he would call everyday. I am not sure what his next move is. He did not mention divorce again, so I am not sure if he is just needing space or if he is planning for us to split.
> I see so many telling me to confront him with what I know but I wonder if that will just make him mad.
> I am new to this forum and I am trying to figure out what to do without ruining any chance for R. If there is a chance, I want it.
> He refuses MC and I have been seeing the Chaplain but it is hard to do a one sided thing.


Then I recommend firstly protecting yourself (printing or forwarding all info you have to your email) and following instructions on how to expose an affair. Exposure isn't for the faint of heart and follows specific instructions.
Best of luck to you!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GETTING PAST THE HURT (Aug 15, 2011)

Newlife,
I was just reading something called THE 180 thinking it would help me in the stage am am at now. I can say I so feel where you are at in this point of you marriage I and my H have done this roller coaster of empty threats many, many times. The bottom line once we let the smoke clear was pain. Most from our pasts that we did not talk about and the ones we were creating in our marriage. Anyway after reading THIS 180 I realized the most of this I had done automatically when I "Got tired" as my mommy put it. I thought it meant I was done but it made him think twice. Reading your last post I think if you just picked a few of these to work on doing it may help. Since he is deployed you may find clarity in these one way or another. 

180 is a list of behaviors from Michelle Wiener Davis, the author of Divorce Busting, that will help your spouse to see you moving forward as a healthy person. I would highly suggest that any new BS begin these behaviors as soon as possible. I am convinced that if I had implemented them, I would still be married. In retrospect, I did everything besides 180. I looked pathetic. No one wants to be perceived as pathetic. 180 makes you look strong. Strong is attractive. (Making it)

So here's the list:


Don't pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
 No frequent phone calls.
 Don't point out "good points" in marriage.
 Don't follow her/him around the house.
 Don't encourage or initiate discussion about the future.
 Don't ask for help from the family members of your WS.
 Don't ask for reassurances.
 Don't buy or give gifts.
 Don't schedule dates together.
 Don't keep saying, "I Love You!" Because if you have a brain in your head, he/she is at this particular moment, not very loveable.
 Do more then act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!
 Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.
 Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!
 When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don't push any issue? No matter how much you want to!
 If you're in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.
 Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that "they (the WS)" are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack thee of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life? with out them!
 Don't be nasty, angry or even cold - Just pull yourself back. Don't always be so available? for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you're missing.
 No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment? Make yourself be someone they would want to be around. Not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.
 All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!
 Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control? YOURSELF!
 Don't be overly enthusiastic.
 Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!
 Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you? HEAR what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!
 Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.
 Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.
 Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.
 Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.
 Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.
 Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It's not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don't care!
 Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.
 Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It "ain't over till it's over!"
 Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.
 When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don't work out with the OM/OW." (Poodle
papa)


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## newlife94 (Aug 11, 2011)

Thank you! I did print this when I registered for the forum, it hangs on my mirror! I have resisted the urge to email or call and leave him voice messages. When he first started the D talks, I think I did look pathetic....I was trying to convince him why he should not leave, crying and all the dumb things. Then I gained control of myself and promised that NO matter what he said or did, I would never say or do anything out of anger or to retaliation. And I didn't. I stayed the course. He would yell, I would tell him I was sorry he felt that way, but that I understand. He would refuse to talk and I would just let him go. That is what brought on the R. But I have to know he is sincere too. He never apologized for all those things, he was not going to stop communicating with her and calls me controlling. I am obviously not controlling him and never have. He just does not want to see the marriage for what it really was before he started this. He was having at least an EA, I don't know if it went to a PA since they were deployed.
I noticed he was being so secretive with email and keeping his iPod locked- so I had to know if it was still happening or if I was imagining things. So now that he knows I saw at least some of what was there. I think he feels guilt, but the fog has not left and he sees me as the enemy and keeping him from the fantasy life he envisions with her.
It is sad and painful to watch, but I am at a loss for what else to say to him. So I have to stay positive and keep my life as normal as possible for our kids and for my sanity. The family is still a family, he just has to see that.


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## bs193 (Jan 2, 2011)

newlife94 said:


> I guess my fear is with contacting the OW, she will just think I am the jealous, loopy ex-wife he says I am.


.....but you don't know how it will play out until it plays out. Your fear above is just an assumption. Your contact said he took his ring off when she was there but put it on when she left. Do you know she even knows he is married? Why would he put his ring back on when she left?

Contact her and tell her the truth. For all you know, he is playing her the way he is playing you.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

I agree with taking care of yourself and becoming self suffiicient. I completely disagree with a lot of the points of the 180 because they create a disconnenct that prevents R from starting in a healthy open and honest way and it is precisely controlling and deceptive. Go to mens clubhouse or search for a thread I started on the 180 and what I think is wrong with it. Remember that this is just one womans opinion. There are numerous others that advocate against the game playing aspects of the 180.
Find and read Not Just Friends by SHirley GLass for a healthier perspective.


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## GETTING PAST THE HURT (Aug 15, 2011)

8yearscheating said:


> I agree with taking care of yourself and becoming self suffiicient. I completely disagree with a lot of the points of the 180 because they create a disconnenct that prevents R from starting in a healthy open and honest way and it is precisely controlling and deceptive.


 I AGREE WITH YOU TO A POINT ON THAT 8year.
There are some points on the list that are controlling and deceptive. I see them and can only hope that someone who loves their spouse and just wants to get through this will see that as well. However there is more good then bad. As woman (and maybe men I am not sure) we can get lost in this stuff so badly that we begin to mistreat ourselves trying to save our relationship. I have read in your threads about that spiral of pain when tigers come up; Well we a ladies don't need a trigger for that our basic intuition will do it for us. Thoughts pop into our heads about everyday emotional things out of nowhere in the same way sex may pop up for a man. I really think in the stage of that she is at in all if this the list will help her disconnect a bet from it an remember who she is in order to see things from a different perspective.


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## GETTING PAST THE HURT (Aug 15, 2011)

newlife94 said:


> I think he feels guilt, but the fog has not left and he sees me as the enemy and keeping him from the fantasy life he envisions with her.



FYI- My H was the same way when he was in the affair. It was (per my counselor) his way of covering the guilt.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Getting, my intuition caused the same problems for me, women don't have a monopoly on that. Deception and being dishonest is not OK in any regard and the 180 pumps the heck out of it. You are trying to stop precisely that behavior so you duplicate it? Not me and not anyone else that wants to succeed with R.


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## newlife94 (Aug 11, 2011)

So another update....He did not call for 3 days. I was silent. He would usually expect me to send emails asking him to call, waiting for me to give him voice messages or whatever. I held tight, not to be a jerk but reallly just to gather myself and think. 
He called (from Iraq) to ask me how things are? I said things are going well...gave him brief update on the kids and left it at that. He asked how I was, I told him "doing well." Nothing more. He said that it was late and he needed to get to bed, but that he wanted to call and touch base. Ok.
Then he calls again (my evening time, his morning).... says that he is getting his next assignment orders soon and he thinks we are going back to Europe. Ummmm, "we" aren't going anywhere! He can go. I just said "well, good luck and I hope you get the assignment you want." He started talking about how we had to work on things with us but that he knows this is the right thing for us- to go back to Europe where we were so happy.
So then he calls again later to tell the kids (before telling me!!!) that the orders were for sure that we were going. Again "we." I did not really say anything, he asks what is wrong? I said nothing and that it was good news (for him). He said well, you don't seem very happy. I said no, I would be happy if things weren't how they are. 
He went on and on about how we will work through it. We got off the phone and that was the end of that conversation. That was yesterday.
He calls me this morning to tell me that he had a long day, blah blah blah- too much filler and not talking about the issue. 
I told him that I was not happy he got the kids hopes up- he asked why would I say that. A little history, before he started the affair, we were supposed to go back to Europe and then when this all happpened he changed his mind and asked for the assignment to be changed (to be near her....but he says to be near the kids so we could share custody).
Well that change of events devastated the kids. I told him it was not fair for him to give them this news without talking to me and being will to work with me.
He refuses to stop contact with her, won't delete her from skype and says I won't control him and tell him who he can talk to. He still denies the A and says the "we were friends and she was helping me through a tough time." OMG, I am not stupid.
So he got mad, told me he needed to go to bed and suddenly did not want to talk. Granted it was midnight there, but really, you have to work on this. 
Thoughts????


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## bs193 (Jan 2, 2011)

Did you contact the OW and her mother?


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## newlife94 (Aug 11, 2011)

I did not contact the OW or her mother. He is swearing they don't contact each other now, but then why the secret email accounts. He does not know that I know about them, but I am ready to just stop giving him the chance to come clean and out him. 
My IC said that she thinks he is trying to get me to say what I know, so that he does not confess to something I don't know. And maybe I should not reveal my hand. 
If I contact the OW, she will think I am the crazy lady he described I am sure. She has no clue that I am dedicated to him and his freaken' career in the military and I am actually a senior advisor for family readiness in his unit!! He probably told her how I try to control his friends and "hacked" his FB which makes me terrible somehow. W/e. If he had nothing to hide he would not be getting mad. 
I finally told him today that I am not going to be in a marriage where he is with holding affection because he has a foot in the door somewhere else. He is sticking to his story that she was just his friend and was helping him through a rough time. She had just recently divorced. I can see how helpful that is. Umm, how about talking to ME! Or the chaplain. He said he was so upset he could not talk to me. The chaplain would have represented something holy- who wants that in the middle of an A.
There is no way I have ever known my male co-workers parents...or emailed them daily! Sick. He is still in the fog and can't see clear. I hope when the fog lifts there is not a 20 car pile up. He has created so much chaos, but can't see a bit of it.
He should know that everyone that was talking about this in his office....they look at him different. Sad and disturbing. I am ready to move on. I don't even need to contact the OW, she can have this mess.


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## newlife94 (Aug 11, 2011)

So we talked yesterday and of course he got mad....sad that I am "baiting" him and that if I had something to say to just say it. That this was the reason why he was thinking we could not work it out....because I am "holding this over" his head. Ok. My question, because this is his stance. Although he still denies an A, he says "at that time, I was committed to my decision to divorce you. I needed someone to talk to and she is my friend." 
So my question, is that something I should learn to let go of. Since he asked for a seperation (not my problem he never filed any paperwork or did anything legal to make it so)...he was deployed (and still is) and maybe thought he could just get away with it????
I guess theoretically IF I had done something (which I did not of course) but IF I had, then he would have to overlook it and not hold it over me? 
Anyone ever encounter this? If it had been a legal seperation, is still considered an A. I am committed to R, however the images of him talking to her and emotionally abusing me at the same time haunt me. I know with time ....and when he is home with me, I can heal from this. I do consider myself very forgiving- or believe me with all he said to me, I WOULD be LONG gone. 
I would just like some others perspectives on this.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

No one can tell you what to do though many will try. If your not sure he did anything - put yourself in his shoes. Yes he did something wrong talking to another woman about his problems when he should have been working with you on them. But IF there is no proof he cheated and you were in shoes how would you react. Follow your gut AND your heart. Don't make rash decisions until you can talk face to face.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

newlife94 said:


> I guess theoretically IF I had done something (which I did not of course) but IF I had, then he would have to overlook it and not hold it over me?


Irrelevant. The point is this "friendship" makes you uncomfortable and he should respect you enough to cut contact with her.


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## newlife94 (Aug 11, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Irrelevant. The point is this "friendship" makes you uncomfortable and he should respect you enough to cut contact with her.


I agree Jellybeans....he won't budge on this. He said that I am acting jealous because I am believing a stranger who sent an anonymous email and not believing him. He says that he can have his own friends and that he is not talking to her as much as I seem to think he is. WTH???? 
I am very uncomfortable because I know more than he thinks I do (that he was in touch with her family and emailing her mom daily...omg that is just weird. it sounded like a high school girl introducing her new boyfriend) He sent her mom pictures of himself, so she could put a face to his name. He came up with a nickname because she could not call him by his first name...that it is the same as her ex husband. So he created this other identity.
I think his heart is with me, but for some reason he can't shake the fog. I know that me with holding on email communication is helping, because he is starting to reach out to me. It used to be that I would email him and now I don't send anything. He asked me to send a care package of home made cookies for him and the troops....I told him I would like to, but I have just got so much going on (with our 3 kids and my full time job- not to mention holding down the house while he is deployed). 
Avoiding discussing it will not make it better but he refuses to speak to a MC or even IC. I have been seeing an IC and our chaplain since February. I feel content with whatever the outcome, this will haunt him forever.


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## newlife94 (Aug 11, 2011)

I did not want to start a new thread but I may need to in order to get some advice. 
OK, I have interviewed for a job...in another state. I am basically being offered the job, but I will need to relocate with the children before he returns from deployment. Knowing what I know and not being ashamed to publically call him out on it- I am not worried about what people will think about me leaving while he is deployed.
The things I am thinking about are about R. He basically calls and acts as if nothing is wrong. Like I am all gung ho to move to the next duty station with him (which is supposedly overseas) and just never bring the situation up. I am not supposed to point out any of his faults since it is my fault all of this happened (because I snooped in his FB). W/e.
I am committed to my marriage and my family, but he continues to lie about the A. He won't acknowledge what happened and he will not end contact with her. She is stationed overseas right now (different country from where we are supposed to go). But he says they are friends and I cannot control him or tell him who he can talk to.
He says that he is different now and that we don't have to have the same friends and he can have his own private email. (he does not know that I know about his 2 secret accounts) I can log into them anytime I want, I know the answers to the secret questions (so dumb--after 15 years there is not a question that I can't answer about him). At this point, him thinking I am dumb is working to my benefit. 
My question....what is it with WS and their need for "control?" Really in the midst of the fog and the A, aren't they completely out of control!? After it is all over, don't they see the path of destruction they created with all their control? Wow.


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## southernmagnolia (Apr 12, 2011)

Do you know what gaslighting is?

This is what he is doing to you, trying to make you think that you are the crazy one. Trying to take the focus off of himself, making you doubt what you already know is true. He is also blameshifting, trying to make it seem like it's your fault. It's manipulative and cruel. Don't buy into it, trust your gut. 



Be strong, be brave, you know the truth in spite of his claims to the contrary.


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## newlife94 (Aug 11, 2011)

Thank you southern....I appreciate that. I know he is trying to hide stuff from me. It is driving me crazy, which is what he wants. He is trying to use the kids too. Making them excited about this assignment to move overseas (since that is where we were so happy when we were there before). He called and told them we were moving there, but did not discuss it with me. Actually we had gone 3 days without talking because he had gotten mad at me for looking at his email. He wants me to just forgive him, but apparently to him...I am not forgivable? I asked him that straight out. Told him that he did have an EA and that giving his attention to someone other than his wife was wrong. He did say that I was right, but still got mad when I said that his "relationship" with her had gone too far. He is sticking to the lie and won't admit to any more than I have said I know. I won't give up all that I know just yet. I am holding back because I know that with him in Iraq we should wait to address the other issues when he is back.


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## newlife94 (Aug 11, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Irrelevant. The point is this "friendship" makes you uncomfortable and he should respect you enough to cut contact with her.


Jellybeans.....you are absolutely right. Although it took me a while to finally see this situation for what it really is- he is cake eating for sure. He withholds affection from me, yes he is still deployed but he does not send sweet messages like he used to before the A, is not doing ANY of the heavy lifting and is actually doing the opposite!! In an attempt to prove a point (that he can have who ever he wants as friends....WTH??)- he is actually throwing this new "friends" name around and makes it perfectly clear it is a girl (she is 24 and he is 36-omg, give me a break)
So I finally got the hit upside the head I needed and exposed it to his command! I feel amazing and such a relief. Crazy thing- she already knew something was going on, BUT did not start an official investigation because I had not filed a complaint. Hmmm. So now that they have all the evidence that I have, game on. Sad as it is, he made the choice and I am allowing him to have what he chose.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

newlife, I just caught up on this thread and am glad to read that you exposed this, I think whether or not you could offer reconciliation you were right to do this. One thing that helped me with my choices was this Betrayed Spouse Bill of Rights someone once posted here. Exposing this adultery to his CO may end his career but his marriage should have been a higher priority and he was simply using his deployment as a cover for his immoral behavior.

I know it seems so crazy that your spouse can lie and almost so convingly even in the face of hard evidence. My WW had me believing for a little while that her PA wasn't even adultery... I can still see that SHE is actually somehow convinced it wasn't, but it is the textbook definition - but she somehow was justified because she was "checked out", just as your H tried arguing that at the time he was committed to his decision to divorce you - like that is supposed to be some reasonable justification??

That is affair fog speak, and it hurts to see your spouse lying to themselves I dare say as much as the lies hurt you, the lies seem to cut both ways and only the betrayed seems to feel the pain, the cheater is anesthetized by their own lust for some scumbag. It shouldn't be a dealbreaker because marriage is about so much more than just cheap sex, but it is a dealbreaker because it permanently changes both spouses in opposite directions and completely shuts down the dynamics of the relationship that made it work in the first place.

Anyways, I'm sorry you are here, I hope you can see that you did nothing wrong in this, you were being gaslighted and it shows in your story. Continue being strong for your children and know that you have done the best you can with what you've been dealt so have confidence that you will be better off for taking action and putting yourself first.


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## newlife94 (Aug 11, 2011)

Lon said:


> newlife, I just caught up on this thread and am glad to read that you exposed this, I think whether or not you could offer reconciliation you were right to do this. One thing that helped me with my choices was this Betrayed Spouse Bill of Rights someone once posted here. Exposing this adultery to his CO may end his career but his marriage should have been a higher priority and he was simply using his deployment as a cover for his immoral behavior.
> 
> I know it seems so crazy that your spouse can lie and almost so convingly even in the face of hard evidence. My WW had me believing for a little while that her PA wasn't even adultery... I can still see that SHE is actually somehow convinced it wasn't, but it is the textbook definition - but she somehow was justified because she was "checked out", just as your H tried arguing that at the time he was committed to his decision to divorce you - like that is supposed to be some reasonable justification??
> 
> ...


Thank you very much for your encouragement. I have done much thinking and reflecting on this situation I have been tossed into. My stbxh has some real nerve. He continues to blame me. He told me the other day that his soldiers (meaning the females of course) care about him and how dare I be jealous and try to make him feel bad for that. I told him that the kids and I should be the most important thing to him, he said that I will not tell him what is important.

OK, he refuses to stop talking to the AP, continues to disrespect me.....YES I have let myself be the doormat for too long. My aunt has told me day in and day out that she would support my decision to work on the marriage but the other day was the last straw even for her. He hung up on me after telling me that he will not call me again. WOW, thank you. He did call back 2 days later and then told me again that he was tired of "this" and that he did not want to do it anymore. He will not come straight out and ask for D, he wants me to do the work. He expects that he can blame me, because if I file he can play the victim- oh, poor me, she filed while I am deployed. I refuse to give him that satisfaction. I refuse to file anything. He needs to come here and face his children and do the work that it takes to end this M.
I can say that I am finally at peace with all of this. It has been 10 months and I am no longer scared, worried or devastated. I have been through the worst of it....it will be a difficult transition (I know I will not like this new single life, but I am hopeful that I will find someone someday to share my days with). I just don't feel like single life is for me. 
Thank you all for your support and for giving it to me straight...I should have listened to some advice sooner.


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## newlife94 (Aug 11, 2011)

UPDATE!!!!!
Ok, there is much to update...I will try to make this as short as I can. I have known about his secret gmail acct since August. Finally had THE gut feeling I was waiting for and broke in. The timing could NOT have been any better. (he is still deployed btw). I found everything, he was still in contact with her and she knew he was M!!!???!!! So I printed it all, every email, chat log, phone log (he has a google talk number). 
He called me when he realized his password was changed. Asked if there was something I wanted to say or talk about. I said nope. He said "don't lie to me." WTF???? Really you SOB, you want to call me a liar! That is pretty much what I said to him. He changed his pw back, started deleting everything. I laughed and said "you did not marry a fool, you deleted everything I just printed." :rofl:
He went silent when he realized it really was over this time. He could no longer gaslight me, he could no longer cover up a lie with another lie and he had to face me and tell me the truth. 
It was the most painful thing ever to read the words, but having been on this forum long enough to read the stories.... I knew all about the fog and how he demonized me and believed the rewriting of our history and all of that.
My question....how quickly can a fog lift? I think his has been lifting for about 4 months, SLOOOOOWLY. We were def in a false R for sure, but I already knew that from the beginning of R since I have been reading about it here. No remorse, wanting to rugsweep, never talking about what happened - oh yeah, cause NOTHING did since they were ONLY FRIENDS. I know the story and he was doing it all by the book.
He immediately started to panic when I told him I wanted D and that all I was waiting for was the truth. For me personally I could not D until I had all the pieces of the puzzle, I had to know for me. Some may be different, I know. 
So he offered to write her and tell her not to contact him again... WOW did he already know about the no contact letter??? Hmmm. He immediately gave me every password, told me I could have everything- money, cars, etc he did not care as long as I gave him a chance to make this right and that he would spend his life making it up to me. Offered a post nump and everything.
So.... only 3 weeks ago he said something similar to OW. She told him she could not be with a M man and that she could not "see it through" I am assuming she meant our D.
So, I wonder now if this is another false R? He wrote the do not contact, cc'd her mom. Cause we all know that SICK part of the story. 
I called OW, talked to her for 2 hours!!!! Did not yell or curse at her, simply wanted answers. She said her mom was in shock cause she was under the impression he was single.
UGH, this sucks. He is coming home from Iraq tomorrow. Only one week from our REAL D-day.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

newlife94 said:


> I laughed and said "you did not marry a fool, you deleted everything I just printed." :rofl:



Way to go!

Also, you may want to make a separate copy and secure it off somewhere so he cant find and destroy it.


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## newlife94 (Aug 11, 2011)

aug said:


> Way to go!
> 
> Also, you may want to make a separate copy and secure it off somewhere so he cant find and destroy it.


I made several disks of everything to be put in the mail tomorrow morning....to friends and family for safe keeping. :smthumbup:

Got that covered too! Thanks for the reminder though...need to do that before he walks in the door.


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## newlife94 (Aug 11, 2011)

OK, here I am about 11 most since DDay.... still angry. There are some triggers that come up daily that do not have as much of an affect anymore and others that just almost send me out of my mind. The other day, for the first time in a very long time- I heard her name... sent shivers up my spine and really made me angry. I wonder if hearing her name brings up memories or thoughts... I just can't stand it.
He has been doing his share of the recovery/reconciliation- working very hard to show me he loves me and has made the commitment to our relationship. The problem I have is that I am struggling with myself- I always told myself this was THE deal breaker. The only thing I would never get over. You know we all say that, we are almost programmed that once infidelity happens, the relationship is over. I never in a million years would have thought it would happen to me or that if it did that the marriage could be saved. Of course I want to save my marriage, I love him. I struggle because I feel he destroyed a part of me, changed something in me and now I am angry- I never was before. 
Anyone else struggling with the anger, hurt and pain.... almost a year later??? Is this usually the case?
I should say, having to be around military people everyday- seeing the air force uniform is even a trigger! 
Thank you all so much for your help. I really could not have done this alone.


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