# down and out...



## Mave (Dec 6, 2011)

My wife and I have been together for 6 years though I love my wife very much we have never been truly connected... I am her best friend but she isnt mine. We have a house together, dogs, our families have connected very well and I have a good life with her. We even started talking about kids and her finishing school etc. 

these past few months I have fallen in love with another woman. No cheating physically, no kissing, no touching, but her and I have connected and bonded so much... its amazing how much you can love someone by talking and have no physical contact with each other she means so much to me, I even visited a lawyer about divorce... this isnt a "thrill" this is very stressful. I want to leave my wife but the damage that would do to her will be unbearable to me. 

I have decided not to leave my wife and not follow my true feelings for this other woman which in that situation hurt her and me very much. 
I think about her all the time but I made a promise to stay with my wife for better or worse. I know staying with my wife is the right thing to do because of the vows I made to her 6 years ago, but is it unfair to me? I know leaving my wife will break her emotionally and I cant bare to do that to her. Our lives revolve around each other...I cant tell her I feel we are missing something because she doesnt think anything is wrong because she is extremely happy... on a scale of 1-10 I am around a 6 with my wife...I am just so torn about feeling what has happened. Even though there was no physical contact between myself and the other woman I truly am in love with her. 
should I tell my wife... should I not?
I am in pain emotionally all by myself I have no one to talk to about this because they all think we are the perfect couple... we dont fight, we have a great life... we love each other... my family would think I was crazy and stop talking to me if I told them I fell in love with someone else... 
just so down about this...


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Stop the affair now! Refrain from any further contact. It will hurt, but you HAVE to do it.

You also HAVE to confess your emotional affair to your wife, regardless of what you do about your marriage. She will find out eventually. My wife discovered mine. It shows in our actions while we cheat emotionally on them. 

It will hurt her, and you. It's better to confess than it is to be caught.

Start there, and see where it goes. Remember, your wife has options too.

You are in the affair "fog" with the other woman. 

Been there, done that!


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## Mave (Dec 6, 2011)

Well we havent talked in a few weeks, we changed our numbers so we wouldnt be tempted to call each other. 
Her and I agreed if we continued it will go further than just conversation. 

the only problem I have with telling her is that I know she will forgive me... I know it sounds a little arrogant but I know my wife and she will forgive me, she will be hurt but then she will forget it and never want to talk about it ever again and move forward.

I almost feel as if I should just stay in my silence misery because I betrayed her trust... but how to start this conversation with my wife that I have cheated on her emotionally.

anyone have any ideas?


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## rightallalong (Dec 6, 2011)

not sure I agree with HerToo. honesty is the best policy for sure but can't help thinking you're just causing her pain and eased your guilt. You absolutely must end communication with this other woman. And are you really in love with her or are you in love with the way she makes you feel ? you need to discuss whats lacking in your marriage or you will just go and do it again at some point down the line


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## Mave (Dec 6, 2011)

Well like I said communication did stop... and yes I am in love with her... Its everything she does, from the way she wore her hair, to the look of her eyes, the shampoo she used, the way she ate, etc, its just her, how when I talk she actually listens and responds and I do the same... in 6 months she became my bestfriend and I was extremely comfortable with her and we just had an attraction to each other to the point that we knew if our mutual friends were having a get together we couldnt be near each other because it was all over our face, our body language the connection we had was insanely strong...

My wife and I.... well I am a good listener and she isnt... she depends on me... I make all the decisions especially with fiances... and hard to get her to work with me... she just wants me to tell her a number or a time and not really care about why... does that make sense?


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

Why isnt your wife your best friend. Since nothing has happened with the other I dont advise you telling your wife.


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## Mave (Dec 6, 2011)

She isnt my bestfriend because she doesnt allow me to speak to her... examples... she has a bad day at work I listen we talk about it and I help her cope with what happened. 
I have a bad day and I try to talk to her about it and she says yeah I dont know what to say... are you ok? I dont like to see you upset... that is how far it goes.
If I need to speak to her about something I am feeling I have to be very careful on how I approach her because she may take offense... There is so much I cant speak to her about because she cant handle me upset... so I tend to talk to my bestfriends about it and this is where my emotional affair started. My female friend and I started bonding and talking more... our feelings for each other grew.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

Sorry but she just isnt the counselor type thats all. Not everyone who replies here is either. I dont understand this forum really, they have a section where you pay per minute quite a lot and you can get it free on here.


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## Darkhorse (Dec 3, 2011)

It's funny how people talk about being disconnected, but never talk about how they tried to connect...they just use that as a base to somewhat validate why they are having an affair. No offense to you, OP, I just see it time and time again. However, you talk about your vows as reason to stay....did you vows mean nothing to you while you were falling in love with another woman? I don't know.

You need to put all of this energy into your wife  Obviously she had SOMETHING about her that you liked or you wouldn't have married her. If you just got married because it seemed "right", well...there you go.

I hope you come out to your wife about the affair and work on the both of you. Or decide to part ways so you can BOTH find happiness with someone who will appreciate you. Your wife needs to know that you are unhappy. She needs to know her happiness is a lie. Then she can decide what she wants to do. You say you think she'll just basically "get over it". Don't be so sure.


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## Darkhorse (Dec 3, 2011)

accept said:


> Why isnt your wife your best friend. Since nothing has happened with the other I dont advise you telling your wife.


Something did happen. He fell in love with a woman who wasn't his wife. It's called an emotional affair and in some ways, it's more damaging than an affair that was only about sex.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

I have had this argument on other threads. I believe its better that a wife or husband shouldnt know 'everything'. It does no good for the future.


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