# Dad doesn't seem too keen to stick to teacher's request....



## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

Within the past half hour I've heard my OH having a talk with our 9yo. The arranged plan was - given some bad behaviour surrounding his (2nd & hopefully bilingual language) homework - to tell son not to misbehave with his mum if he won't with his dad. What I heard as well as that was dad (OH, doesn't live with us full time) telling son that if he asks mum (me) a question about homework and I don't answer he should ask again and ask again for explanation. Trouble is that goes TOTALLY contrary to advice received from son's (other language) teacher who is trying to firm up on his poor concentration by making him responsible for his own work rather than relying on too much help/advice from me/us. OH knows that and has acknowledged that. Yet out of earshot of me he's pretty much going against it.
How to get past this without all of us falling out? Help please? ... oh yes and I know 'listening' in wasn't exactly fair but sometimes needs must........


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

I understand you want him to be responsible for his own work, but if he doesn't understand his homework, how can he do it properly? My sons both know that they are responsible for making sure their work is done, but they also know that if they cannot understand something on their homework, they can ask me and I will help them as much as I can. Some subjects, such as math, I am horrible with, but I can look things up online and have others I can count on to help me understand so I can help them understand. 

If he is asking questions about things you know without doubt that he understands already, then it's fine to tell him he needs to do it himself. But if he truly doesn't understand something, telling him he's got to figure it out on his own really isn't helpful. Sometimes we really do need some help from someone else.

I would seriously consider that perhaps your son's father isn't all that far off the mark after all.


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## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

That's hard to argue with (but I'll try).... You see (a) we're talking about sciences, grammar/comprehension/geography in a language I'm only basic in myself and OH is way lower on the understanding scale. Trying to explain when you don't necessarily understand yourself (googling doesn't always do the trick) is a big ask. I tell him ad infinitum - and nicely - that if he reads the chapter the answer will be there on the page. I can read sufficiently well to know if it is. But he still won't read thoroughly enough. (b) on the occasions when it's something other than an answer on the page - maybe a photocopied sheet with questions or whatever - his lack of understanding is because he hasn't concentrated in class 
OR and this is critical and came up in a LONG conversation with a couple of other (native to that language) mums yesterday: (c) the teaching of these subjects is being rather rushed and all the kids including a fair proportion of the native speakers (our son is the only NON!) sometimes struggle because they haven't spent the time in class having deeper explanations. But of course the parents have the understanding to help at home, as do we in his English subjects. In which he gets far less homework!!! Much of that is clearly an issue to take up with the school, and it has been/is being. 
The core need to get our son to take responsibility, though, remains. Thus far - and I have to take a lump of the onus myself because I'm the one with him 24/7 nearly 365 - not only is he not concentrating in school, forgetting homework, etc., but he does few of the chores etc you might expect. I clean his shoes. I have tended to get his books etc out for school in the morning. I will pick up his rubbish strewn in the back of the car. etc etc. Consequences to get him to do these things haven't shown much success and I admit I'm not too good at incentives because I prefer to get things done today myself rather than figure a way to do it 'nicely nicely' together. 
So you could say the problem is a bit wider and no, not all down to him... though he does need to learn responsibility for his own stuff where appropriate.


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