# Divorce Discernment



## jovigirl54 (Jul 5, 2017)

Where do I begin….. 

The reason I am here, is I am struggling with a decision on whether or not to divorce my husband. Now I know this something no-one but myself can decide, yet I am seeking some guidance or insight into how we got to this point and to come to the root of my desire to do this. 

Here is some brief history:
-We met when we were 15 and 16 respectively, we are now 29 and 30
-We were each other’s “first”
-We became pregnant when I turned 16 and decided to keep our son against all our families wishes
-When I met him I knew that he was a bad-boy so to speak. He had a good heart but was involved with the wrong crowd and made the choice to do drugs. Nothing in particular he was addicted to, but it was always something. He is addicted to the act of feeling high period.
-When we had our son I held out hope that he would change his ways. He didn’t. He was in and out of jail for theft and drug use before he even turned 21
-We broke up and got back together more times than I can count. We started to have what I call a co-dependent relationship where even though I knew he was flawed, I stayed. 
-I cheated on him a handful of times, which sometimes ended up in a breakup, but eventually we’d end up back together.
-He never had a solid job, thus the Financial burden was always on me
-Fast forward past a lot more drama, and periods of time where I thought he was clean…. Things got better. We actually sort of “grew up” in a sense and I felt like the crap was behind us. He had a solid job, and I felt like we had already been through so much in our youth that sure..why not.. let’s get married. That was 2011. 

From 2011-2015 things were pretty good. I sort of always had a feeling he was lying or sneaking something behind my back…but I tried to ignore it because I wanted so badly for us to finally live our life free of that. I was in denial. On the outside he was a good husband, and a great father. We even had our second son in 2014. The year after he was born was riddled with my anxieties of his issues at work, side effects of ADHD medication that he had been put on, and noticing that he was taking his meds too fast. Our son has ADHD and his own prescription and suddenly his medication was disappearing too. My mom started telling me her prescriptions were going missing as well. I knew it was him. I just knew. 

Mid 2015 I finally caught him red-handed with stolen prescription pills. Pain Killers, Adderal, etc. I kicked him out and filled out the Divorce Paperwork…but I didn’t go through with it. Because I was scared, and I think I may have confused my love for him with separation anxiety? Because let’s face it, he had been hurting us for years, just not in the ways you typically hear about. 

I accepted him back in under the condition that he go to NA meetings and do drug tests every other day. I drug tested my husband every other day for 6 months. Talk about exhausting. He stayed clean, and here we are in 2017 and he is still clean. 

Here is where it gets confusing for me. After all of that past, all the opportunities I had to leave and for good reason…. I didn’t. Now that he is clean, sober, has a good job, and is genuinely doing well and seems to finally be himself, I am feeling anxiety about staying in the marriage. 

Around the time I caught him, I started subconsciously working on myself. I successfully lost 60lbs over the past 2 years, and started hiking, working out, etc. I found a new love for being healthy, at least healthier then I was. He was supportive of all of it. Naturally I am starting to get attention from other men again, something I hadn’t dealt with in years. I have even built what I call, emotional affairs with a few different people during this time and am having severe guilt over it. This is concerning because if we divorce, I don’t want to jump into a relationship again….but I think I have some underlying issues I need to deal with myself in order to ensure I don’t do this.

I was open with him about how I am feeling, and he’s defeated because he really is trying to be the best he can be in life now, yet I am unhappy. I can’t seem to fully trust him any longer, and feel robbed of years of drama and pain. Instead of enjoying the healthy and sober husband I have, I am feeling like I want out. 

I do love him, of course… but am I really in love with him still? Was I ever? Am I just severely attached to the point of co-dependency. He’s never been with anyone else and I have handled all the financial aspects, etc of our lives since the beginning. He’s a nice guy but has never been much of a partner, or man so to speak. 

I am afraid of divorce because I feel guilt. Worry that he won’t survive, that he’ll relapse or something. I am not even sure what I am feeling. I guess I am just confused at why after all the issues we had, I feel anxiety to leave when life is finally good. Beats me. 

There is so much more I could go on about, but this is already too much as it is. Anyone want to jump in? Eeek.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

I think you should concentrate of fixing yourself first. Like you said you are really not ready yet to be in a relationship with anyone, but you are in one with him and he is the father of your children. He has cleaned up and now suddenly you are not into him, are you sure that it's not because your original attraction to him was because you liked the drama?

What was your childhood like? Is this kind of stability that you describe to have had for a few years foreign to you? I am not saying that it isn't true, that you are just over him, but I am also of the mind that some of this is you. After all you are having emotional affairs and seem like you are subconsciously trying to sabotage a stability that you guys have never had before. In other words why NOW when things are good are you feeling anxiety? You need to figure that out.

Point is some people who grow up in drama sometimes mistake that intensity for love. If this is you, you are not going to really be happy with anyone until you fix it. You may be just as much addicted as he is, except your addiction is the adrenaline that comes from continuous emotional intensity.


----------



## jovigirl54 (Jul 5, 2017)

All good points and things I've considered. My childhood was a bit rocky. My mother was a functional Alcoholic and single parent. I spent a lot of my younger years worrying about things a kid shouldn't need to. It was stable-ish I guess but always full of drama and anxiety. I'm trying to find someone to talk to but financially that is proving difficult. So here I am in these forums.


----------



## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

Too much drama.....You guys got started too early. You both have so much going against you......you in particular with regard to your all over the place emotions. You are being noticed by other men which is playing with your mind. You are obviously NOT, all in to this relationship so your chances of success are virtually nil with this attitude. Unless you are both on the same page in terms of making this work your chances of long term success are poor. Your results may vary, but I doubt it.


----------

