# Emotional cheating?? A bandaid for resentment?



## Hispetal (Apr 18, 2009)

I'm new here, and wanted to toss out something into the open because I'm not sure where to go with my situation. I'm fairly good at helping others by giving advice (I am constantly fascinated and interested in helping others), but this time I'm sort of in no-man's land with my own issues.

After 20 years of marriage, I have been quite happy and content....up until about the 17 year mark. The past few years I've held in a lot of resentment about my hubby, and have just sort of sucked it up (internalized it). We have two teens who keep busy schedules, and he travels a lot, so I get a taste for the single parenting routine as it applies to sailing the ship on my own a lot. Coping has been so-so, but gradually over the last six months I've made a friend online who has made me smile again, made me laugh, made me feel vital and important ... and he's receptive to my needs (as far as lending a good ear, etc). We give each other emotional support and adore each others' sense of humor. I do need a good laugh every now and then!! 

He lives in another country that I've been to several times, so I know and understand his culture. We have become closer and closer over the past few months and we only visit online and try to deal with the time difference. He's not married and leads that bachelor kind of lifestyle (generally speaking), and we have a lot of values in common.

Now, the question: Is this bonding with somebody a half a world away - truly considered cheating? Nobody in my family has suffered or been affectd by my relationship with this man, and I've not sacrificed ANY support to my family (i.e. - there's no change or decline in my role as mother and wife) while keeping in touch with him. This man fills some of the small voids in my life and keep my days intersting and thoughtful. I have dedicated my life to raising my kids and supporting my husbands career, and yet unfortunately, most of their needs have been put to the front of the line ahead of mine (a common occurance I'm guessing).

I find myself thinking about this guy a lot. I'm not sure how aware he is of the fact that he and his presence in my life - mean a lot to me. It's not a lop-sided situation, as I feel I am important to him, too.

Any thoughts out there? I'm trying to digest it all myself! :scratchhead:


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## reidqa (Mar 25, 2009)

Yes it is cheating,

And many a wayward wife has gotten on the jet never to return.

Are you contemplating this.


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## Hispetal (Apr 18, 2009)

No, I'm not contemplating that. I could not consider that at all, given that my kids need me... the family needs me. Possibly meeting him someday is something I'm not ruling out, but to jump on a jet and never return? No - I would NEVER abandon my kids. 

If this is considered cheating in one person's eyes, so be it. My visits with this man make me happy, and happiness is something I could use a little more of in my life.


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## reidqa (Mar 25, 2009)

I find myself thinking about this guy a lot. I'm not sure how aware he is of the fact that he and his presence in my life - mean a lot to me. It's not a lop-sided situation, as I feel I am important to him, too

**So how many steps are you away from lust 1, 2, 5. Please read your post over and over again.

**Now think about it.

Remember its but a plane ticket send over.


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## Hispetal (Apr 18, 2009)

Please read my post over and over again? I don't think I need to do that to decide what you're asking me. Hmmmmmm.....


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## reidqa (Mar 25, 2009)

I find myself thinking about this guy a lot.

Why are you thinking about ellctrons allot, you know that is what posts are until a real person is met. A picture could be fake, descrbe of life phoney. This is the internet.

So why, are you thinking of him as a child, lover or nobody.


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## reidqa (Mar 25, 2009)

Read the following:

Plenty of marriages fall prey to cybersex. Anything that consumes someone so much and distracts from a partnership is indeed an addiction. And addictions must be treated. 

You ask about other cybersex addicts. The world was shocked when the news hit that actor David Duchovny is a sex addict hooked on online porn. I'm sure you can identify with the torment of his wife, actress Tea Leoni. Duchovny was able to hide his real problem through his pretend role as the sex-driven writer on his show, Californication. As you have learned, pretending becomes reality. 

Emotional cheating can be very painful for an abandoned partner. Some therapists say that unless Flap A enters Slot B, cybersex is harmless. I am not one of them. I have counseled people who were discarded by partners, even though it was "only" through virtual sex. Emotional cheating can leave scars as deep as those perpetrated by the physical act. Don't apologize for feeling remorse. 

As you requested, here are some tips for you to cope: 

Go to a meeting of SAA, Sex Addicts Anonymous, and understand what your ex's addiction is all about. Also, get some support for yourself. 
Stop worrying about how to present your past to others. New dates don't need a biography of your woes. If a relationship is to unfold, your story will unfold, too—but it will unfold to loving ears. 
Don't blame yourself for your wife's betrayal. Instead, enumerate the things you enjoyed during your 19 years of marriage. 
Consider whether you noticed your wife pulling away from you. While you can't do anything about that now, you could sharpen your awareness of the signs before a future disconnect occurs. 
Be determined to rise above the betrayal. My e-Book "How to WIN When Your Mate Cheats" describes how a marriage can become stale unless two people actively and continuously nurture it. Focus on relationship nurturing in your next involvements.


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## Sensitive (Mar 29, 2009)

I completely understand. I have had many close friends overseas who are male. I had one that turned from friend to romantic interest. It is very easy to fall for someone online and feel like it is real and can't control the need to just log on. In my case, I slowly learned of the deceitfulness of some online men, and grew more distance from an relationaship online, no matter what site I meet him on. I don't deny that the need to feel connected is vital and important. It is easier than finding a real life friend. Since there is no mention of sex or romantic interest, then why not tell hubby all the details? I have done this with my husband, and find that he is doing the same online. We both crave international connections, and are quite addicted to the vast opportunities online. Do I see this as cheating and ruining our marriage. YES! Can I stop? Do I want to? I can't stop and don't want to, as Hubby doesn't want to either. It also doesn't sound like you are cheating or resenting your husband. You are even insistent that you are doing well at home with kids while Hubby is away. I don't see any reason to stop the online friendship, unless Hubby suggests it.


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## Hispetal (Apr 18, 2009)

aeiousimplicity said:


> ... It is truly devastating, & it is much worse knowing that your partner connects with someone on such a deep level than just sex.
> You should really discuss this with your husband.


Thank you for your thoughts here. You do present a valid point and it's appreciated. However, it immediately entered my mind that - to me - it is much worse knowing that you can't connect with your *partner* (hubby) on a deep level. That... is what is missing in my life, and it is devestating to *me*. I don't believe people have only one person that they can connect with on a particular level... I could probably go to my church priest and ask for an ear and receive some validation. Even after talking to my hubby about not being able to get that emotional intimacy and caring from him, it still doesn't click with him.

I'm going to consider counseling ONLY if he will cooperate. For now, I am comfortable with visiting with this other man and enjoying his company. I'm internet savvy and acknowledge the risks & understand the warning signs of predators and game playing, and this is not an issue for me.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Yes it's cheating. Before you give to much credit to this guy over seas. You need to remember a few things. Has the man you find such a connection with, invested anything more in you then several hours at a keyboard. Has he paid any of your bills. When your sick, does he take care of the kids. Does he leave his family to travel for business (which sucks). You have let this other man into your heart, because "he fills little holes in your life". So since you have a confidant and some one that "fills the holes". Does your husband get to fill his holes with a woman. Someone that understands what he is going through. Someone that knows he has a wife at home that doesn't value him and the sacrifices he makes for her and his family. 

You have found a man to fill emotional and communication needs that truly are the most important thing that a woman needs in a relationship. I am sure that you will not mind your husband filling his most important need in a relationship. Something that he gauges his marriage by. Something that unifies and bonds him to the other person. You wouldn't begrudge him a relationship that fills that hole, right?

THAT HOLE IS SEX. THAT IS HOW A MAN GAUGES HIS RELATIONSHIP WITH HIS WIFE. THAT IS WHY A MAN WANTS SEX AFTER A FIGHT WITH HIS WIFE. IT GIVES HIM THE REASSURANCE THAT HIS MARRIAGE IS GOOD AND STABLE. WOMEN THINK THAT THAT'S JUST A MAN BEING A JERK OR SHALLOW. NO, ITS HOW HE EMOTIONALLY CONNECTS WITH HIS WIFE.

So now that we have an agreement that you will have your emotional affair and your husband can have his physical affair. Everything should be fine in your marriage right? No? You're not OK with your husband having sex with other women? You don't like the idea of him getting that "little hole filled" in his life? 
I guess not, Huh?

Now you know exactly what you are doing. YOU ARE CHEATING BIG TIME. You have taken your marriage vows and wiped crap all over them. You have brought another man into your marriage. Who you have replaced your husband with in your heart. You have betrayed the father of your children. THIS ACT THAT YOU HAVE COMMITTED SHOWS EXACTLY WHAT YOU THINK OF YOUR HUSBAND AND YOUR MARRIAGE. How does it feel to know that your marriage is now something that is worth-less, because of what you have done.

So now that you know what you have done. You may go back to your POSOM and have him "fill your little holes". Just be prepared, for your husband to find a woman that appreciates him who will be more then happy to have him "fill all her little holes" emotionally and physically.


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## Hispetal (Apr 18, 2009)

Well, Initfortheduration ... I see your assessment of my situation is very detailed, with knowing only a small detail about me. And because I'm new here, don't know anyone at all, and have only read a handfull of posts, I can't help but become a bit defensive with the tone of your condescending reply. I expect opinions and ideas, but this sort of commenting falls under a LOT of assumptions you're making.

Wow.

I'm going to rethink about participating here. *sigh*


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Only knowing what you "said". And the justification, you try to give yourself. Don't you find it interesting, that a stranger on a board that really doesn't know you that well at all, could so passionately try to defend your marriage. Not you, not your husband, but your marriage. As far as it goes, I have one opportunity to shake you up a little, If you think that my assessment of the situation is wrong, tell me where? You threaten to not come here anymore. What exactly did you expect regarding an infidelity site. Did you think, people here are encouraging others to commit adultery. People that are on this site have experienced what you are perpetrating on your husband. You want an opinion? OK. Never speak or contact the other man again. You want an idea. Go and get your wedding album and pictures down. Look at them try to figure out what happened 3 years ago, that turned you against your marriage. Based upon experience. There is a good possibility that adolescent children came into the picture. We all love them but they can create an incredible amount of stress. They will also try to drive a wedge between husband and wife. They are a refining furnace that will test the metal of any marriage. Disagreements are more pronounced because parenting styles may differ. One parent may be a disciplinarian the other might be the one who spoils or is the one the kids run to. leaving the other parent feeling like an outsider. One parent may travel a lot. While the other holds down the fort on the home front. When the one parent breezes into town bringing gifts and release from responsibilities required by the other parent. This is one of the most destructive thing that can happen to a marriage. Parents need to be on the same page. This may or may not describe what is going on in your marriage. But many marriages do suffer from this. In closing. You may think I am condescending. But I'am condescending in defense or YOUR marriage. If you feel I have been too rough on you. That's your prerogative. Its your thread. Just ask me not to post. And I will obey your wishes. But until you do ask me. I will be up in your grill, trying to wake you up to the fact that when your husband finds out. He may not look at it as innocently as you do.


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## reidqa (Mar 25, 2009)

Wow a trully great post, right to the point.

Bravo.


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## MrMarriedman (Mar 4, 2009)

Trust me it's cheating. I have just caught my wife having an emotional affair with one of her co-workers. If you husband found out about his relationship it most likely would devastate him and quite possibly end your marriage. I understand that there are parts of your life that aren’t being attended to, my wife had the same complaints. The problem is that most woman believe that their partner should be able to "read" them and know what is wrong without any type of communication. 

If you truly love your husband and want to keep your marriage alive you need to sit him down, tell him that you are not satisfied with your current relationship and you BOTH need to seek marital counseling to fix this problem. Trust me what you think is innocent fantasies can quickly turn into lust which can and will lead to physical cheating. Just remember that if you wouldn't feel comfortable doing something in front of your spouse, chances are they are detrimental to your relationship. It is perfectly normal to go through ups and downs in your marriage but it is not ok to use the "downs" as a reason to step out of the marriage to satisfy your needs. Marriage is a lot of work but BOTH parties involved have to be committed to making it work. If either one strays it will not take long for the marriage to dissolve and after 20 years is this something you really want? Now I don’t know all the details but I know how it feels to be cheated on and it hurts, especially when I would have happily changed my actions to keep my wife from straying. Talk to him, tell him what you need, you’ll see, it will be even more satisfying then getting attention from another man.


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## Hispetal (Apr 18, 2009)

Thank you for your insightful comments, MrMarriedman. 

There has been a lot of compromise in our marriage, and we have talked about certain things that need fixing as our lives respond to changes and growth. I have had personal issues and behavior, which he hasn't always understood or agreed with, and I've been cooperative in making an effort to better myself and thus make us both happy. I'm proud of that, because hindsight is 20-20 and I'm glad I did. However, his unwillingness to compromise and make changes himself (regarding bad habits he has) - have made it a burden upon not only me, but the entire family in many specific ways. I'm hurt, and whenever I try to explain to him my feelings, he interrupts me and discounts my feelings, raises his voice and later, at some point, says things will change. He later does nothing to produce change and concludes that I should accept him as he is - period. (changes, like his excessive bar bills from happy hour, drinking in general, lack of contributing to household chores, etc.). 

Anyway - the reason for my post here was just to get opinions, and most of it is a consensus that yes, my actions are considered cheating. 

I'll either keep hoping he'll meet me half way and commit to some behavior modification, or seek counseling on my own. I'm exhausted by the confrontation and I'm tired of crying about it in my bedroom (I end up there and just let it out). I don't know if I'll continue visiting with this man much... I sense he's starting to lose interest anyway, or has possibly been preocupied with somebody in his city to keep him company... I'll see how things develop.


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## Sensitive (Mar 29, 2009)

Hispetal said:


> Well, Initfortheduration ... I see your assessment of my situation is very detailed, with knowing only a small detail about me. And because I'm new here, don't know anyone at all, and have only read a handfull of posts, I can't help but become a bit defensive with the tone of your condescending reply. I expect opinions and ideas, but this sort of commenting falls under a LOT of assumptions you're making.
> 
> Wow.
> 
> I'm going to rethink about participating here. *sigh*


I don't normally follow up on other threads, but I wanted to see how you were doing. I agree that people can be harsh on any anonymous forum. Opinions will differ, as will the tone or word choices. For me, I have found it easier to take replies in stride, and not too personally. People have different reasons for being on this forum. I am here to be supportive and offer my thoughts and stories, in hopes it can help others as well as myself.


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## Hispetal (Apr 18, 2009)

Thank you Sensitive - for taking the time. 

I know about the taking things too personally ... I try not to amidst a message board of strangers. It's just that I don't appreciate a series of assumptions and judgement passed on those assumptions. It's possible that there are those who simply thrive on drama. I'm basically a realist (and an eternal optimist) ... and, lol ... I have a healthy reflex for accusatory words. 

I believe I'm here for the same reasons as you.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Hispetal, I think some people simply do not understand that some of us have tried, repeatedly, to communicate our needs to our spouses. The utter and complete failure of those spouses to respond to our needs is a personal rejection of the deepest kind, and we finally get tired of it, having sacrificed ourselves for however long it took for us to STAND UP FOR OURSELVES. Please do not feel bad about what you have done--use it as the impetus to make one last stab at the marriage (if you want) OR the impetus to get out, before anything more serious happens. 

I've been playing the self-denial game for too long, so chances of being able to fix it now are probably nil. I take responsibility for that, but I also know my husband simply refused to meet me even half-way. He will actually admit that freely. And yet he turned it back on me saying "you didn't scream and cry about it, so how did I know it was important?" EXCUSE ME? A consistent effort over YEARS to get him to meet some pretty important needs and he claims I didn't make it known to him? Eventual withdrawal, which has now also lasted YEARS? I'm sorry, but I don't feel guilty about this. He was too lazy and self-involved, basically, and he DID know about my dissatisfaction. He chose not to pay attention, because it was easier for him. He may have to pay for his choices with losing me, just as I've paid for mine by living more than a decade in an unsatisfying marriage. I'm not going to let anyone who does not know me and the situation influence my thinking. They have not lived in my shoes! If it takes ending my marriage to regain myself, then that is what I'll do.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Hispetal said:


> Nobody in my family has suffered or been affectd by my relationship with this man, and I've not sacrificed ANY support to my family (i.e. - there's no change or decline in my role as mother and wife) while keeping in touch with him.


I highly doubt that. My wife engaged in an EA on line and it damn near ended our marriage. After 2 years we are still not whole again. She, like you, never met him. It started as emails then escalated to phone calls. She didn’t even realize she had fallen in love with him. She swore after I found out that she had lost her feelings for me years before and that nothing had changed. I knew something was wrong for a couple of months before I discovered the evidence of the EA. The lack of attention from her. The sex wasn’t the same. There wasn’t any passion in our relationship. She seemed disinterested in me and was terse on the phone……. And who did I blame? Myself!!! But the relationship jaded her view of me and the improvements I was trying to make in the marriage. Yes I was hurt and when I found out the marriage nearly collapsed. It hurt our kids because they were smart enough to know something had gone terribly wrong in the marriage even though we didn’t raise our voices. How would you feel if you had to try to console a crying 10 year old at bedtime because they know something is wrong and are afraid mom and dad are going to split. How are you going to answer those questions for your kids when you don’t understand how it happened in the first place? How will your husband? You are cheating and playing to with fire. End the relationship for good and concentrate on improving your marriage before it’s too late. If he won't change to help you both improve the marriage then divorce him on the merits of those faults. Don't allow an outside force to draw you away in a fantasy. You won't get any validation for your actions from me. I lived it and it still hurts like hell.


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## Hispetal (Apr 18, 2009)

In response to Amplexor:



> I knew something was wrong for a couple of months before I discovered the evidence of the EA. The lack of attention from her. The sex wasn’t the same. There wasn’t any passion in our relationship. She seemed disinterested in me and was terse on the phone……. And who did I blame? Myself!!!


That - is where I've been for several years already: Lack of passion in our relationship .. the sex is nearly non-existant ... and the tone in our communication with each other is all over the map ... ALL of that has existed - before I ever sought out the company and gentle ear of a dear man. And believe me - I'm fed up with the blame game.



> But the relationship jaded her view of me and the improvements I was trying to make in the marriage.


He flat out refuses to work hard at anything except his job and making sure he finds the bar after work to 'continue the work day' ... I'm running out of ideas to ask him to take this marriage seriously.



> You won't get any validation for your actions from me. I lived it and it still hurts like hell.


I'm not looking for validation for my actions. I own them and I'm still in the middle of working my way through all of this. I'm familiar with enduring the 'hurting like hell' while he has taken me for granted and criticized the way I keep the family and house going while he travels for business, travels for pleasure, and continues his self-absorbed life that my two teenagers can't ignore. It doesn't have to be another person that comes between spouses - it can be intangilbe things, it can be a hobby, or it can be liquor ... many assorted things. 

I'm sorry you are still hurting, and I can imagine the emotional and psychological blow of cleaning up and saving your relationship in the aftermath. 

As I continue to wrap my head around all of this, I appreciate the time that those have taken to respond to this thread.


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## fly_guy (Mar 26, 2009)

Put me on the ship with Amplexor. I've been there. It was painful. The thought that I was replaced by some guy who had no investments into my wife what so ever even if for a moment was devestating. What was worse? I didn't have a clue there was a problem. Maybe your husband does, okay.

Continue trying to tell him. Cut this relationship off. I once spoke to a very wealthy man who had many relationships across the country as he began to regret the things he was doing. He said, "If these women would spend half the energy devoted to their husbands that they devote to me, they wouldn't have a bad marriage." It seems that women a lot of times expect men to know what they want and think. Put it on paper, give it to him.

But I can promise you, keeping this relationship will only kill the chance of any future with your husband. He may be more clueless than you think. Talk to him and tell him your needs. Not wants, needs.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

fly_guy said:


> He said, "If these women would spend half the energy devoted to their husbands that they devote to me, they wouldn't have a bad marriage."


Some of you seem to have missed the point; the OP ALREADY devoted herself to her husband, cherished him, and was met with selfishness. She HAS expressed herself. His ongoing refusal to reciprocate has led her to look outside the marriage for what is missing, emotional intimacy. This whole "guys are clueless" crap is annoying as hell; SOME guys (and gals) are just SELFISH. Frankly, the very fact that my husband "needs" me to "scream and cry" and threaten to end the marriage JUST TO GET HIS ATTENTION is a reason for leaving, as far as I am concerned.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

sisters359 said:


> She HAS expressed herself. His ongoing refusal to reciprocate has led her to look outside the marriage for what is missing, emotional intimacy.


The problem with this is that she did it while she is married. In your own words “to look outside the marriage” is the error she is making. She should not start a new relationship until she has ended the current one. That is unfair to all involved. As I said in my previous post, if the husband won’t change and she is unhappy in the marriage, she should end the marriage on those merits. Not start a new relationship while she is still married.


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## stillINshock (Apr 9, 2009)

hispetel - Having been crushed by my husband's EA, please, for your husband' sake, for your family's sake, and for your sake, please take the high road. Don't stay in a situation that is bad. Don't show your children that a person should suffer through life. And call your husband on it. If he won't meet you half way, he doesn't deserve you. But please please please, take the high road. Leave the marriage being the good guy. Don't leave it being the betrayer. Your family will lose incredible respect for you - and you ultimately will lose it for yourself. The day after you leave him, meet someone. Do whatever you need to do. But while you are in the marriage, have the guts to be the good guy.


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## Hispetal (Apr 18, 2009)

Update:

It is done. It is over. Focused on my family 100% ... yet still trying to figure out how to make things better with where I am and what I have.

It hasn't been easy and likely won't be continuing on - but at least I still have my sanity, and my family has me. I just need to chart a course of improved balance.

I'm bitter, but at least I'm no longer distracted by the brief encounter I had that was nothing more than a filler for attention I desperately needed.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Great for you and good luck. I hope hubby does hes part do the things you want and need.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Great, now you can focus on your marriage. Have you told your husband that because of the way things are it leaves you open to bonding with someone else. Tell him that you fear you are in danger. Nothing wrong with that. Its called communication. Good luck.


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## They Call Me Smooth (May 5, 2009)

You know worst case you walk away knowing you gave it your all. At least then you wont wonder "what if".


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## Hispetal (Apr 18, 2009)

Thank you for the encouraging words. I can't fathom the walking away ... it would take something immensely devestating to make me consider that. 

Infortheduration, you do bring a valid idea. It sounds like something he ought to hear, but I don't know if it would be a step in the right direction for finding balance. I'll think it over.

I now just wish I could change my user name (it's directly associated with the man I befriended online and I'd rather not have it)....


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## findingpeace (Mar 14, 2009)

I didnt have a chance to read every post to your original question. But what i read is obviously what is known as an emotional affair. you said meeting him you wouldnt rule out well you just confessed you would cheat on your husband if given the chance you are walking on fire here and it would be best for you and your marriage if you ended this internet relationship I would ask yourself how would you feel if your husband had a relationship like this would you care ? if the answer is yes then you know what you are doing is wrong whos needs are you focusing on yours or your husbands how selfish can we be ?


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## Hispetal (Apr 18, 2009)

A few days ago I posted that the relationship is over and done. I guess it does pay to read at least the last few recent posts. 

"...how selfish can we be?" - wow, that's a loaded question. Sometimes people need to be a tad bit selfish - after realizing their own needs have been last in line for far too long (and that's where and when damage can be sustained).


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## Gomez (Jun 5, 2009)

I realized my wife was having an EA when she was bubbly about someone else, and more honest with him than me.

Before I ever got mad or offended tho I asked myself why it was happening. I reviewed the times I had brushed her off to play an MMO, refused or failed to ask her for sex and just masturbated, and yelled at her for minor failings.

Once I stepped outside myself and tried to take a birds eye view I knew exactly what was wrong and how to fix it.

You want to feel like more than just a maid and a butler, and if you do 100% of the work for your family there is no time to feel like anything else. That is a situation that will always breed an EA, that is the problem to fix, not weather or not you talk to the guy.

Unfortunatly unless your husband can really evaluate what he needs to do to make you feel like "you" again I worry about your mental state. You cant make him see it, he needs to want to be the husband that you need.

I think alot of people stop at "OMG its an affair" and then prattle on about all the things you should be grateful to your husband for, and never stop to ask you what it is you can laugh about with another man but not your husband and why? Thats the important part, not how close you are to buying a plane ticket.

My wife said something to me that made me realize I needed to pay attention, I hope you can find what that is for your husband too. If you can you will make your marriage better than ever, and connect more deeply with someone who understands you than you ever thought possible.

I think the advice you got in the first posts was too harsh.


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## Hispetal (Apr 18, 2009)

I haven't logged in for awhile - been immersed in family stuff! 

Gomez, thank you for taking the time to reply. I've been able to identify with everything you've said, especially this:


_I think alot of people stop at "OMG its an affair" and then prattle on about all the things you should be grateful to your husband for, and never stop to ask you what it is you can laugh about with another man but not your husband and why? Thats the important part, not how close you are to buying a plane ticket._

Yes, some of the advice and reactions I received here at the onset of my post left me somewhat bewildered :scratchhead: and not understood at all. I don't appreciate being pigeon-holed into some "situation" or "status" without having all the facts out there. 

I'm still working to communicate with my hubby, but he's so defensive, he's so fearful of having a heart-to-heart ... and honestly, I think he's in denial of the troubles we've had. Either that, or he knows there's trouble but won't talk about it because admitting it scares him for some reason - ???

Anyway, just trying to make it through the summer and figure out how the fall can approach with the least amount of stress possible. Fun times with two teens, he? (lol)


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## Dark Angel (Jun 17, 2009)

You should be proud of yourself for ending it.

Have you considered going to councelling on your own to see if you really are doing all you can? Maybe you can learn some stratagies for dealing with him.

Im very sorry hes unreceptive to change.

Start on yourself and perhaps yoou may get his attention and draw him in as well.

good luck.


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