# My wife and my mom



## Bamf75 (Jan 21, 2011)

Hello;

I'm new to this website and to this community. I will first introduce myself; I am a husband and father to a 5 month old son. I turn 25 yrs old in March, I work at a power company in my local area, and I live with my in-laws currently due to economic reasons. The main reason I am writing this is because I am lost and desperate for help on an issue that has been hurting me and my family for the past 2+ years. This may or may not be the best place for help however, I believe I have tried a number of different resources with my current debacle.

The issue I am having is the popular my wife vs. my mother issue. I have been trying to resolve issues between these 2 for what feels like an eternity but for 3 years now. I have met with 4 different family counselors that specialize in family issues and I still feel like I don't know what to do. 

It all started 3 years ago when I made the mistake of moving from my hometown to go live with my girlfriend (now wife) and her parents in a different state. I was not happy there and depressed. I wanted to leave as soon as I could and I had these discussions with my girlfriend about it at the time. She told me to wait till she finished her semester at school and we would figure something out. However, I made the mistake of discussing my problems with my mom (who lives far away) of how miserable I was there and how much I wanted to leave and that I thought my girlfriend seemed controling and manipulative. So my mom... simply said to leave and encouraged me that I needed to get out of that relationship. "Don't be there if you are not happy." So... thats what i did. I left and left a note for my girlfriend.

Obviously, my girlfriend was crushed, hurt, and confused. My mom also sent her a nasty email about how she was controlling and this/that. Just attacking her with assumptions from what I told my mom. So, now... with me leaving and my mom's email. My girlfriend was furious and angry now (so was her family). She wrote my mom an email back attacking her and saying really mean things back. She calls it "defending" herself and to this day I don't agree with that completely. Which i will explain later.

Let me first say that I regret every minute of pain I caused my wife at that time during our relationship. I was immature, stupid, and afraid of committment. I owned up to my mistake and I apologized to her and her family over and over. I loved her and I realized I made a huge mistake.

With that said... Her and I got back together after a few months. It was a struggle, but we worked it out and she moved back to where I was (my hometown). I was very grateful that she even wanted to attempt to try and repair the damage that was caused. I basically changed my attitude and my whole life around, but I believe part of that was because I was happier now that I wasn't living with her parents.

The damage between her and my mom never healed and I don't think to this day it will ever be healed. As time moved on, My mom eventually did apologize to my girlfriend, realizing that she should of never got involved in the problems I had with her. However, my girlfriend at the time didn't think she was sincere or really sorry. They went back and forth on emails of anger and attacks/accusations. (keep in mind they have never physically met eachother). I did the best to my knowledge to try and repair the damage between them, but it seemed the more I tried the more damage I caused. My girlfriend thought I was defending my mom and mom thought I was casting her out of my life and so forth...

So... another major event happened around 2 years later from previous event. My girlfriend got pregnant with my son. Her and I decided to get married and move in with her in-laws again except this time we rented a house together and split the rent to help our financial situation. I didn't like it but now that I have a son coming I knew I had to make this sacrifice. I told my mom and my mom handled it very badly. She was not supportive and was upset about the whole thing. Which made my wife confirm her belief of my mom that she is this completely mean person and will never change. 

So, after my son was born I was hoping to have my side of the family come visit us to meet our son. However, My wife does not feel comfortable with my mom visiting and wants nothing to do with her. I on the other hand, have moved on and would like my mother to be apart of my son's life. My mom may be a lot of things but I believe she is a good person and has just made bad decisions in the past. She did even apologize about how she reacted when I told her I was married and was having a son. 

I tend to let things go and move on and so I forgave her. My wife on the other hand seems to still be upset about all that has happened over the years. I understand how my wife can still be upset but how she is handling it I am worried. She seems filled with hate anytime I bring my mother up even if its not about drama. I ask her to come to comprimise and see if my mom can get a hotel room and I will bring my son to them so they can visit so that she doesn't have to be present with them. Only response I get from my wife is that I am being selfish and not understanding of her feelings. After numerous attempts to try and repair the damage and always worried not to side with anyone... I feel like no matter what I do it always be this way. 

I can accept the fact that my wife and my mom will never get along. I still want my mom to be apart of my life and my son's life and my wife seems to not support that and actually prohibits that. 

I understand this is a long read and I apologize. There will still be pockets of things that I might of missed. So if you have questions please ask and I will asnwer them honestly. I just want to do the right thing and be honest.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Well I think you’ve learnt the lesson to never again involve your mother in your marriage problems. I always think it’s very wrong to involve parents, or children, in problems to do with a marriage. I can’t see that you mother’s going to change and she’s the one that needs to. If you are truly committed to your own family that is perhaps where your heart and energy should be.

Maybe in time if over the coming years you only ever tell your mother the good things about your family life your mother just might change. And your wife might see that change and things will be different.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

You have to take your wife's side. You have to acknowledge your wife's feelings. Your Mom was wrong and she has to live with the consequences of her own stupidity. Don't ruin your life or your marriage over it.


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## Izabella (Dec 22, 2010)

Bamf75 said:


> Hello;
> 
> I'm new to this website and to this community. I will first introduce myself; I am a husband and father to a 5 month old son. I turn 25 yrs old in March, I work at a power company in my local area, and I live with my in-laws currently due to economic reasons. The main reason I am writing this is because I am lost and desperate for help on an issue that has been hurting me and my family for the past 2+ years. This may or may not be the best place for help however, I believe I have tried a number of different resources with my current debacle.
> 
> ...


your first mistake was to ever bring your family or friends in to relationship problems,you know that now,but you cant change it now.
your mom should have known better then to attack your the gf and just been your support.
i think what might help is to tell your mom all that you relize now,everything you said ect..let her know your greatful that she was there when you needed her,but that the emails and things that were said to your wife is hurting your marriage,and the chance for her to be a part of your babys life.ask her to please say sorry and mean it and start over with your wife.

tell your wife everything you did and said to your mom and let her know your mom was just trying to be protective of you then.to give your mom another chance.let her know that you love your mom and she will be a part of you and your babys life and it would be nice if she could be to

best of luck to you


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

Could you talk to your mother, over the phone, in front of your wife? Tell her that you'd love to have her visit, but that if her being there makes anyone uncomfortable she'll be asked to leave. I think it would be the fairest way of dealing with this. You're asking your wife to take a chance, but giving her an out should things go wrong.


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## Bamf75 (Jan 21, 2011)

WhereAmI said:


> Could you talk to your mother, over the phone, in front of your wife? Tell her that you'd love to have her visit, but that if her being there makes anyone uncomfortable she'll be asked to leave. I think it would be the fairest way of dealing with this. You're asking your wife to take a chance, but giving her an out should things go wrong.


My wife gets upset whenever I talk to my mom over the phone when she is not around because she thinks we would talk bad about her. I can understand why since it happened before. However, Its not like that anymore. I can honestly say Im a much more mature adult... especially after my son was born. My only concern is having my son being able to see his other grandma.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I am going to venture a guess here, but I am betting money on my being semi-correct. 

Your wife doesn't like you talking to your mom when she isn't around, because she doesn't want to come home to find a NOTE on the counter and you gone. THAT is the problem with you and her. YOU need to fix that and guarentee with all that you are that no matter what, that won't happen again, ever. 

As for the communication with your mom, you need to sit down with your wife and tell her you realize how wrong it was to tell your mom things about your relationship and that it won't happen again. I made that mistake before too, and had to learn this same way. Sucks, but it can be overcome.

While talking with your wife about your mom, set some unbreakable boundaries with her. If you mom says anything even mildly insulting, you will ask her to leave until she can repsect your wife and marriage. ( This can be sticky, sometimes people find things insulting that others don't) Say these boundaries with your mom. Mom, if you can't respect our boundaries, we can't allow you to have a part in our family. I am betting that your wife is concerned the second your mom is alone with your child she will start badmouthing her. Probably a HUGE fear on her part. Does any of this make sense to you?


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

I can relate to your post. Some of those same things went on between my former MIL and me. Early on I felt I was not good enough for her son. Unfortunately some things were said, and those things haunted my marriage for 20 something years. And I always felt my estranged husband put his mother's feelings before mine. In essence I spent 22 years being second best. I did learn a valuable lesson though. I will not make comments about my childrens' mate choices. I will accept them because my children love them.

Everyone else has given some good suggestions. But, this is a tough one since it is a fine line to balance on. I've got one other idea--it is something I actually did at Christmas. My two daughters and their older brother are like oil and water. My daughters don't even want their brother in the same house with them. Anyway, I had all three of them for Christmas. The holiday began on a really nasty note, so I knew I had to try something different to save the holiday. I went to each of them with a request. I basically told each of them what I wanted for Christmas--that was a warm, loving, family together. And it worked. I got my Christmas Wish.

I'm thinking with Valentine's Day approaching this may be a good opportunity for you. Find a way to tell each of them how much you love them and how important they are in your life. And find a special way to ask for your Valentine's Wish.....for them to find forgiveness in their hearts, so that you can have a whole family again.

Hope something works, so that that wonderful baby will have a complete, loving family always behind him.


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## lime (Jul 3, 2010)

You need to reestablish trust with your wife. THAT is your first priority. You need to protect her from your mom, and honor her wishes for the baby.

THEN, you can start discussing WITH your wife about the boundaries you want to establish TOGETHER with your mother. It makes sense that you want your child to have a relationship with his grandma. But a healthy relationship is much, much better than an unhealthy one! In fact, NO relationship is going to be much better than an unhealthy one.

In order to establish a healthy relationship there, you need to sit down and talk with your wife. If there are issues between her and your mother, they will ultimately hurt your son and stress him out as he grows up--it's best to either fix the problem or avoid your mom until the problem gets fixed. It may never get fixed, and while that is unfortunate, it's the sad result of dragging your mom into your relationship problems--it does suck, and you have changed, but it was your mistake and you're the one who needs to take charge and fix it.


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

After I read your post, I remembered something I read...and I won't be quoting it verbatim, but you'll get the jist..."I might forget what you said, I might forget what you did, but I'll never forget how you made me feel". Undoubtedly your wife still remembers some of the things your mother said, but her FEELINGS are still reeling from the encounter. Your mother has a long way to go to repair that damage. It's going to be hindered by the fact that your wife isn't willing to meet her halfway. I'd tell her the greatest gift she could give me would be to meet my mother halfway. Just give her a CHANCE. And if mom blew it again, you'd never ask her to meet halfway again. 

However...I'd also put my foot down about the baby. He's your son too. It's never a good idea to deprive a child of any love. There are special bonds forged between grandparents and grandchildren..and no child ever suffered from too much love. You have every right to tell your wife that you're going to take the baby to visit grandma at the hotel room (that was a good suggestion, btw) and she has a choice...she can either come along and "supervise", or stay home...but you're going. It might cause world war 3, but you have posted nothing that would lend me to believe that visiting grandma would be harmful to your child. It's almost as if she's punishing your child for your mother's mistakes. 

They both behaved badly, and you're supposed to take your wife's side. However, at this point she's acting childish and is holding a grudge. Your mother has apologized, and I'm going to assume she's done better. An extended olive branch would be a gracious move on your wife's part. It is selfish though to keep the child from your mother, unless she's exhibited clear indications that such a relationship would be harmful for the child.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

I had a similar battle with my MIL when i first moved with my H. i found some emails about me between the two of them and it did not go well. i emailed his mom and blocked her email. very controlling and wrong on my part. i never said anything bad about her, though. she has said, and continues to say, some very nasty things about me. 

It was a very complicated journey and i feel for you as i know how stressed my H was/is about the whole thing. i feel we have since resolved the issue. Your situation is more complicated since your wife has lashed out at your mom. Frankly, i dont think it matters what a mom has said to the DIL or SIL, there are no grounds for retaliation. i would never disrespect my H by saying mean things to his mom or about his mom. As a women i think i can understand a mothers instinct to try and protect her child.


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## Shiksagoddess (Jan 20, 2011)

Continue to prove to your wife that you have her best interests. Continue to show that you will not throw her under the bus. Continue to show her that you have her back 100%. After time, tensions will ease. Then, you might consider asking her "what would have to happen for us to try and establish a relationship with my mother?" This way you can work together to hammer out some boundaries. It can't be all her way or all your way.

I also believe she has no right to forbid YOU a relationship with your mother. And unless she proves to be harmful to your child, she really has no right to forbid a relationship with your son. THAT is controlling and manipulative. That may be, however, a battle you choose later down the road.

- the shiksagoddess


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Too much email and bull****. Get them both in the same room and talk.


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