# Feeling TERRIBLE after having sex with my wife



## Jack I (Nov 23, 2012)

My wife had told me I would not be having sex with her at all,as those of you who have read my threads know.Things have gotten better between us in the last 24 hours,through discussions that we had....But she was still denying me of sex.I apologized for the way I behaved but I have a hunch she believes I only apologized so I could get sex.Well I pretty much begged my wife for sex....I felt pitiful,defeated,stupid...etc....Well we were washing the dishes today,and I brought it up again and she said maybe later.She was talking about other things afterwards while we were in our room.It was obvious to me sex wasn't a priority.It looked like she might have been about to call it a night,so I asked for sex again,and she got irritated.I felt so pitiful and whiny....I've never had to beg my wife for sex..Anyway she finally obliged.I enjoyed it,but I actually felt worse afterwards.I felt guilty for enjoying a session of "emotionally detached sex".The whole thing reminded me of a lovemaking scene in a film called "Drool"where the husband gets on top of his wife and grunts and moans in pleasure while the wife lays there without saying a word...Just looking for some advice and are my feelings of guilt justified?


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## east2west (Oct 19, 2012)

Ugh that whole thing makes me cringe.

Dude, I want you to go find a chalkboard, and write 100 times:

"I will never beg for sex for any reason."

What you are doing is seeking sex for the purposes of validation.

You want to have sex to feel like the relationship is ok.

But the relationship is not ok and having sex cannot make it ok.

Just forget about sex.

Don't talk about sex with your wife.

Act like you completely forgot about it.

Don't have sex with her again until she initiates it.

Get your act together outside the bedroom. I don't know whether that's physical, emotional or financial for you.

But whatever you can do to improve yourself and your situation. Do it.

Make yourself confident in who you are regardless of how things are going with your wife.


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## dubbizle (Jan 15, 2012)

If you are begging your wife for sex then you have a major issues and it sounds like she is either just laying there or going through the motions but hoping in her head that you just hurry up and finish ,so have you tried MC and if that went no where or she did not want it then you need to decide how long you are going to take her behavior.
Your choice comes down to either get ready to live out your life this way or get the divorce papers started [which may shock her into acton]and go find somebody else who wants you.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Please read the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy". It will help enormously.

Never ever accept table scraps. You are worth more than that!


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## Jack I (Nov 23, 2012)

dubbizle said:


> If you are begging your wife for sex then you have a major issues and it sounds like she is either just laying there or going through the motions but hoping in her head that you just hurry up and finish ,so have you tried MC and if that went no where or she did not want it then you need to decide how long you are going to take her behavior.
> Your choice comes down to either get ready to live out your life this way or get the divorce papers started [which may shock her into acton]and go find somebody else who wants you.


No,we haven't been to marriage counseling.I really don't want a divorce.We have been married six years and this our first real"rough patch".I would love to be able to settle this matter between just me and my wife.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Jack, you really p!ssed her off the other day. She's still acting up about it. Seems that it will take her a few days to get beyond the hurt.

Good for you for appologizing. Now she has to come around. 

This is where it gets tricky. If she has not come around in 1 week get the two of you to MC.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Maybe wait a day or two and then ask her how the two of you can get back on track?


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

NEVER beg for sex!!!!!

I agree with Elegirl..


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## jaharthur (May 25, 2012)

When you went directly from an apology, which she suspected was only to get sex, to begging for sex, you confirmed her belief that it was an insincere apology. She probably felt like your masturbatory device. Yes, you should feel guilty. Go back and read what everyone's been saying through your several threads and do some thinking about the advice you've been given.


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## Zing (Nov 15, 2012)

If she's always been like this even before the incident (after her weight loss) then I do feel for you...but if it's only lately after your fights that she's being like this then I totally understand where she's coming from...

I had an issue with my husband too - my hubby had been taking out his frustrations on me quite a bit lately and had a big blow-up with mean words a week ago...it took me nearly a week of apologies and a very un-involved session of love-making to overcome it...I've never taken so long to forgive him in the past for such episodes but this time I just felt it was too much...possibly she feels the same way too... but, now we're both totally on the same page now though...


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Never beg for anything mate, never be on your knees.

You're feeling horrible now because you've just destroyed your own esteem, your stature, your self-respect. You need to do a 180 asap because chances are your wife has just lost alot of respect for you.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Ok, that was weird.... PM asking me to reply. Are you SURE you want my $0.02??? Well, here goes....

Jack, you pissed her off. Yes, you apologized, but really, I have to agree with her. It seems you apologized just to get sex. Why? Because you started hounding her for it right after the apology! "I'm sorry honey.... Can we have sex now?!?!" Dude, it takes longer than a few minutes to get over something like that. Not everyone can turn around right away. 

And to make matters worse...you begged. Begging? Seriously, Jack? Sigh... it begging makes you look weak and pathetic. Could you do me a favor? Stop going from one extreme to the other? First you behave like an ass and now a whiny, pathetic wimp. How difficult is it to act like a normal human being? Why can't you stop vacillating between wimp and jerk? 

I told you in one of your other threads that being assertive is fine, but don't cross over into a$$hole... Same applies to crossing into pathetic. You can be understanding without being a milksop. Dude... knock it off!!


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## Thoreau (Nov 12, 2012)

Clearly, your rules aren't working.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Jack I said:


> Just looking for some advice and are my feelings of guilt justified?


Only you can decide whether badgering your wife into giving you some pity sex is worthy of feeling guilty. Some men would feel guilty and others wouldn't. As for my advice, I think you just need to make a decision and go with that.

If pity sex is for you, then keep begging and try not to feel bad. If you want a mutually satisfying sex life, then maybe you should start acting like a grown up and stop begging your wife for sex.


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## T&T (Nov 16, 2012)

I agree with everything Maricha75 said.

Jack, you need to SLOW down. Everything you've been doing lately, in a very short time I might add, is way too much for her to handle. My advice, forget about sex, slow WAY down and start communicating with her about her needs, not yours (That can come later) When you find out what she wants pick one or two issues at a time and talk about it weekly, not daily. It's way too much to take in and she won't be able to process it all. I guarantee, she's confused as hell right now. None of these issues are a "quick fix" Think about how you would feel if she was bringing all of this to your attention in such a short period of time. It's time to put her first my friend.

Best,

T


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## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

Jack I said:


> No,we haven't been to marriage counseling.I really don't want a divorce.We have been married six years and this our first real"rough patch".I would love to be able to settle this matter between just me and my wife.


I really don't know why so many people have an aversion to counseling. I hear so often, "I would rather settle this between the two of us." This can often be impossible because we do not see in our self the issues that an independent third party can see. So may couples have had no premarital counseling. We often lack the necessary tools to resolve conflict. A trained counselor can help give us those tools.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

Never beg women don't find that attractive period!


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## techmom (Oct 22, 2012)

Hello Jack,

I've read all of your threads. I've come to the conclusion that all of the action you took so far was to make you feel secure in your marriage. Your wife just went from morbidly obese to losing most of her weight. She's starting to look attrative now, and you are becoming insecure. You married her when she was obese, maybe because that would assure you that no other man would want her. Maybe not. 

Anyway, your recent actions is telling her that her weight loss is making you insecure. She lost the weight for her health, and she probably had low self esteem. Now her self esteem is improving and you can't handle it. Your talk of "rules" and whatnot proves this.

My advice to you is to stop all of this bs and chill. Your marriage is slowly coming apart because you are making issues out of nonsense. Just stop.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

The divorce rate for WLS is 80%. I can see why now. 
Be honest with yourself, really. Do you feel insecure?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## caladan (Nov 2, 2012)

Oh dear. Not good.

Dude, hit the treadmill, hit the gym. Slim down and tone up. And whatever you do brother, DO. NOT. BEG.


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## techmom (Oct 22, 2012)

diwali123 said:


> The divorce rate for WLS is 80%. I can see why now.
> Be honest with yourself, really. Do you feel insecure?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The more demands he makes, the less attractive he becomes because she knows that it is because of the weight loss. The best thing he can do is chill, visit the MMSL site to up his sex factor.

She already upped her attractiveness, he needs to increase his. He is scared of being left behind and rightly so. He was having sex before he started all of these things, now he may be caught in a sexless marriage because of his insecurity.


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## Jack I (Nov 23, 2012)

Stonewall said:


> Never beg women don't find that attractive period!


The crazy part is that I already knew this..I felt like I wasn't in my right frame of mind due to not getting sex and I just kept asking and asking.I never said"Please,baby,please,please,I promise I won't act up again"...I just kept asking a bunch of times throughout the day,which I guess would be considered begging.


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## Jack I (Nov 23, 2012)

techmom said:


> Hello Jack,
> 
> I've read all of your threads. I've come to the conclusion that all of the action you took so far was to make you feel secure in your marriage. Your wife just went from morbidly obese to losing most of her weight. She's starting to look attrative now, and you are becoming insecure. You married her when she was obese, maybe because that would assure you that no other man would want her. Maybe not.
> 
> ...


Well I don't think my wanting anal sex and condom-less sex is meant to feel secure in my marriage.These were things I really wanted for myself.So you think based on her weight loss I tried to talk her into anal sex and condom-less sex to establish control over her?


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## kindi (Apr 28, 2012)

You just walk up to her and say "can we please have sex now"

Really?

Try being affectionate first.


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## Jack I (Nov 23, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> Ok, that was weird.... PM asking me to reply. Are you SURE you want my $0.02??? Well, here goes....
> 
> Jack, you pissed her off. Yes, you apologized, but really, I have to agree with her. It seems you apologized just to get sex. Why? Because you started hounding her for it right after the apology! "I'm sorry honey.... Can we have sex now?!?!" Dude, it takes longer than a few minutes to get over something like that. Not everyone can turn around right away.
> 
> ...


I'm willing to make compromises but she didn't give me that many chances to explain myself today..She spends a lot of time talking to her mother now that she has moved in.I try to get her to have a private talk about our marriage,but she just keeps talking to her mother.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

So take her somewhere else.. out to dinner, for a walk.

Or send mom out for a while.


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## kindi (Apr 28, 2012)

Rather than asking her repeatedly for sex, get yourself really hard and go up to her from behind while she's doing laundry or the dishes and start shoving it up and down the crack of her ass while you grab her boobs and start pinching her nipples and kissing her neck.

See what happens and report back and we'll go on to the next step which involves removing clothing.


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## techmom (Oct 22, 2012)

Jack I said:


> Well I don't think my wanting anal sex and condom-less sex is meant to feel secure in my marriage.These were things I really wanted for myself.So you think based on her weight loss I tried to talk her into anal sex and condom-less sex to establish control over her?


These are things you are wanting her to do for you in order to prove her devotion and love to you, to validate you. She doesn't want anal, so you throw a fit saying she "owes it to you". She can't use birth control anymore because of the surgery, needs to use condoms, you throw a fit. If these things are things you want for yourself despite how she feels about them, then why do you insist on them? That proves that it is not about your "together time" in having sex, it is about you. And that is why she is withdrawing from you.


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## techmom (Oct 22, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> So take her somewhere else.. out to dinner, for a walk.
> 
> Or send mom out for a while.


The wife wants her mom there in order to cause a distraction. Jack is not giving the wife a reason to communicate because he is in the throes of wanting to be validated after the weight loss.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Jack I said:


> The crazy part is that I already knew this..I felt like I wasn't in my right frame of min due to not getting sex and I just kept asking and asking.I never said"Please,baby,please,please,I promise I won't act up again"...I just kept asking a bunch of times throughout the day,which I guess would be considered begging.


Yes, it's begging. Knock it off.

As for the suggestions by others of doing the 180? HELL NO! My GOD if you go to THAT extreme she's gonna think you have no interest in her at all anymore. Yes, she is gaining some self esteem. But guess what? I guarantee she still sees that 400 pound woman in the mirror. If you 180 her, she is gonna think YOU see that fat woman and are no longer attracted. And yes, I can say "that fat woman". I HAVE BEEN THERE! Even after losing 200 pounds, I STILL saw that 450 pound woman in the mirror. I got compliments from friends and family... but the one I needed was intimidated by the weight loss. HE is the one who had to reassure me.

So far, based on your threads, Jack, you have done this ALLLLLLLL wrong. So, now you need to sit her down and tell her what you're feeling. And, for crying out loud do NOT say anything with an air of entitlement! Just tell her the truth, without being an ass and without being a wimp.

I can promise you that if you do the 180 IN THIS CASE, you are just going to create more of a wedge. Yes, go to the gym, work out, etc. Yes, improve yourself. But I disagree with the idea of, essentially, ignoring her...IN THIS CASE. I truly think it is a lack of effective communication between you two... much like the way you were presenting yourself on here. You need to tell her what you said here... that you were WRONG to badger her into having sex. That you aren't going to do that anymore. And honestly? I think you need to be honest with her about your insecurities. Many will advise against this, but knowing what I do regarding weight loss surgery, you NEED to tell her how you are feeling about this. That you understand she did this for her health and that you are loving the "new her" and you are having difficulties expressing this in the right way. Trust me, my husband had this issue as well. 

We got through it, and so will you... but you need to stop begging, stop throwing so much at her, stop acting like you deserve certain things because she was incapable before. When she is ready for certain things, she will let you know. But, since you have said these things are more about exploring the "new her", and the new relationship you have, you need to keep in mind that she is, at the core, the same woman you married..same values, same phobias, etc. She may loosen up and do things she previously said she wouldn't, but then again, she may not. You were ok with NOT doing them with her before. You need to be just as ok with NOT doing them now...unless she feels comfortable doing them. Get it?

Anyway, do improve yourself, yes. DON'T go to the extreme that you aren't saying "I love you" or going on dates with her, etc. Especially with MIL moving in, you NEED date nights! You NEED to connect with her. Don't push her away, just don't be pathetic.

Sorry this reply was so long!


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Jack I said:


> I'm willing to make compromises but she didn't give me that many chances to explain myself today..She spends a lot of time talking to her mother now that she has moved in.I try to get her to have a private talk about our marriage,but she just keeps talking to her mother.


Do you go to bed at the same time or in shifts? If at the same time, start there. Start the conversation then, and don't get loud, angry, or accusatory. Don't bring MIL into the conversation either...except to say that you need to make time for just the two of you, without her mom. But do this every night. Discuss the day, how it went for each of you. I know, pillow time isn't MUCH time, but it's a start... providing you don't get into arguments.


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## Jack I (Nov 23, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> Sorry this reply was so long!


Never apologize for a long reply.At least not on one of my threads.You and elegirl have given the best advice on all the threads.I like how you can relate because you had the weight loss surgery also.


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## Jack I (Nov 23, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> Yes, it's begging. Knock it off.
> 
> As for the suggestions by others of doing the 180? HELL NO! My GOD if you go to THAT extreme she's gonna think you have no interest in her at all anymore. Yes, she is gaining some self esteem. But guess what? I guarantee she still sees that 400 pound woman in the mirror. If you 180 her, she is gonna think YOU see that fat woman and are no longer attracted. And yes, I can say "that fat woman". I HAVE BEEN THERE! Even after losing 200 pounds, I STILL saw that 450 pound woman in the mirror. I got compliments from friends and family... but the one I needed was intimidated by the weight loss. HE is the one who had to reassure me.
> 
> ...


So you're saying that your husband expressed feelings of insecurity to you?And you stayed with him...But I thought women are turned off by insecurity?....That's good to hear that it's possible to stay in a marriage even after a man expresses himself in this way...I think I got my hopes up a bit after she lost so much weight...Did your husband get kind of excited about your new body and want to try new things?..No I never considered doing a 180 cutting off all conversation with her and not going on date nights,etc...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Jack I said:


> So you're saying that your husband expressed feelings of insecurity to you?And you stayed with him...But I thought women are turned off by insecurity?....That's good to hear that it's possible to stay in a marriage even after a man expresses himself in this way...I think I got my hopes up a bit after she lost so much weight...Did your husband get kind of excited about your new body and want to try new things?..No I never considered doing a 180 cutting off all conversation with her and not going on date nights,etc...


The 180 is not about cutting off all converstion with your spouse. It's about stopping the emotional drama.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Jack I said:


> So you're saying that your husband expressed feelings of insecurity to you?And you stayed with him...But I thought women are turned off by insecurity?....That's good to hear that it's possible to stay in a marriage even after a man expresses himself in this way...I think I got my hopes up a bit after she lost so much weight...Did your husband get kind of excited about your new body and want to try new things?..No I never considered doing a 180 cutting off all conversation with her and not going on date nights,etc...


Yes, he did get insecure at one point. Drove me nuts. It's true, insecurity is not attractive. But the point is to TALK to the woman. If you don't, the insecurities will grow as will resentments. 

Yes, he was excited that I was a bit more.... uhhh... flexible lol. He was excited to try new things with me. Some things still remain off the table though. That's a mutual decision. And he didn't throw new things at me all at once... nor did I throw anything at him either. 



EleGirl said:


> The 180 is not about cutting off all converstion with your spouse. It's about stopping the emotional drama.


I get the point of the 180. But looking at the list, some of those things leave a bad taste in my mouth. Those things don't apply to this situation. And that's what I was addressing. 
#5. Don't talk about the future. 
#6. Don't get family members' help. Sorry, this one I disagree with especially. MIL is living with them. He's gonna need her onboard in order to get alone time with his wife.
#8. Do not buy gifts.
#9. Do not schedule dates together. Disagree. They need that alone time together.
#11. Do not say "I love you"
#15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.


I get that the 180 is for self improvement, I do. But my point is that THESE parts of it are going to be counterproductive in this case. Had my husband implemented THESE parts, we'd be divorced now. I was going through changes. He was trying to adapt to the "new me", *I* was trying to adapt to the "new me"! It was because we DID talk about things, and make time for each other that we got through his insecurities and my confusion. 

Anyway, that's JMO.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Jack you seem to be bouncing around all over the place demanding this, and then begging for that, and then asking TAMERs what to do.

I think you're not seeing the forest for the trees and that's why the details of what you're doing seem so erratic. Stop getting caught up in the drama and try to treat your wife and yourself with respect. This means don't beg and it means don't demand. 

There are marriages out there where two people are incompatible due to low drive versus high drive but that doesn't sound like the case here. I think you've made her feel like you don't care about her as a person and that you feel intitled to sex. Put yourself in her shoes and see if you feel respected.

I'm going to go out on a limb here and assume you were an only child or were your mother's favorite. If so then those dynamics growing up where you were catered too or where stomping off got results did not prepare you very well for compromise in an adult relationship. It's hard to know when your either taking advantage of someone or being taken advantage of by someone if you can't see things from both sides which I think you're having a hard time doing at the moment.


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