# Marital Oppression- What to Do



## romancingstones (Mar 1, 2009)

We've been married about 3 years.
For at least the last year we have had arguments every month.

During our first year I burnt toast and he threw it in the garbage and told me I didn't love him or I wouldn't have burnt the toast. He requires his shirts to be folded a certain way, his food to be placed on the plate a certain way, his meat to be cooked a certain way or feels that I don't love him and don't put thought into him. He complains about sex and when that is going okay he complains about everything else.

I find it miserable doing anything because of the fear of the complaint I'll get. It makes me nervous and takes the joy from anything. I'm under constant evaluation. When I tell him this, he says it is just my way to excuse not doing anything and that if I loved him I would do it the way he wants. I tell him he should not be anal about everything and appreciate that I'm doing things.

Its getting harder for me to do simple things.
When times are good they are great, but that happens about 2 weeks out of the month and the other days I wonder if I should hurry and go.
Today I was excited about getting out and going to a ladies event. I told him I was going and he got upset and told me I didn't think about what he was going to eat for breakfast and my event was serving breakfast so I didn't have to think about him. He was upset and since there was food I don't know why he needed me to mention breakfast to him. I feel like he was looking for anything to be upset about. He said he just wanted me to mention breakfast even if I wasn't going to make it.

I got so discouraged by the accusation that I stayed home. He then informed me that he had plans for us later in the day. He didn't ask me if I wanted to go. I didn't go and he told me I don't support the things he does.

I feel like I'm going crazy. I know that he shares fault but he manages to make me feel like its all me and that I am a terrible wife, who doesn't do things right and never thinks of him.

I don't even know the question I have. How did I turn into this person I can't recognize. I stay home, I feel like I've quit living, I have no one. 

I think about leaving once a month and think I should go to reclaim myself. I can't change how he views thought and I feel if I change me I'll be a zombie. 

maybe I'm not cut out for marriage but so often I hate this situation that I am in and I am losing my ability to be me, to work and to take an interest in things.

Any advice? Is he controlling or is this what happens in some marriages? If I feel oppressed and he can't adjust should I exit?


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

You need to learn about how to enforce your boundaries. Setting Personal Boundaries - protecting self

Also codependency is another one you can look into. 

Your H is a manipulator. You have to learn how to know when you are being manipulated and how to handle it without becoming part of it.


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## Earthmother1970 (Oct 10, 2008)

If he won't go to marriage counselling with you, then leave now - especially if you have no children to worry about. He will not change without wanting to change.

Ask yourself this: With the way things are now in your marriage, can you imagine spending the rest of your life living like that?


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## T-Dub (Feb 2, 2009)

It seems like you are in prison! You need to start worrying about you and you only! He is a big boy, he should be able to make toast right? Tell him to go suck Canal water!!


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