# Can I ever trust him again??



## michelle2004 (Oct 12, 2009)

A few months ago my husband sat me down and told me how unhappy he was in our marriage. We have been married 5 years. I have been going to school, and we both work full time and our raising our little girl. I knew some improvements needed to made to our relationship, but figured most of our problems stemmed from the extra stress of school. Anyway, not long after I found out the other woman. At first I thought they really were just friends and their "friendship" was only beginning to border on the inappropriate side. For the next couple of months the situation slowly progressed to him deciding he was going to leave. He said his mind was already made up, but he never did. Depending on his mood, I guess, some days he seemed to want to work on things and on others he wanted nothing to do with me. Later I come to find out that during that time he continued to see the other woman, and was leaving me for her. Apparently he was having doubts about his decision because it never got to that point. I basically told him that he was either going to stay and work things out or he could leave immediately. I couldn't deal with his indecision any longer.

So he finally broke it off with the other woman, and decided to work on our marriage. The thing I am having a hard time dealing with now is trust. He does seemed committed to working things out, but I have secretly discovered that he has numerous female friends that he talks to throughout the day on a daily basis (monday thru friday) when he is at work. Most of them are casual friends, but that is how the affair started out. He discussed our relationship issues with some of them and they discuss theirs with him. Some are even slightly flirtatious. HOW CAN HE NOT SEE HOW THREATNING THIS IS TO OUR MARRIAGE??? I have made it clear to him that I can't deal with him having female freindships in which problems of any nature are discussed because I know where they can lead, especially right now when our relationship is so fragile. He is a very social person by nature, and I have always tried to be understanding of him having casual female friends. But after everything that has happened I don't know if I can handle him having any at all, ever again. My workplace is very male dominated, but I have always tried to distance myself from the men in my job, and I have never discussed my personal life with any of them. But I am a more private person than my husband. I just feel that he should discuss our relationship with me and not any other women. Even the ones that he is not discussing our problems with, I have a hard time dealing with. I am just so scared one of these casual friendships will turn into something more. Especially because they all seem slightly flirtatious now. I don't want to go through all of this again, but it almost seems like my husband can't control himself. How should I handle this?? Please help!!


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## chuckf75 (Sep 6, 2009)

If he wants the marriage to work, he most forgo the female friends. Period. They are too big a temptation for any of us as the "grass is always greener..."


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

He needs to be transparent during this time of trust building. 

Everything MUST be open-cell phone records/email/passwords/etc.

He needs to prove himself by his actions for however long it takes.

I had a friend that was unfaithful. It took her 3 years to prove to her husband. She finally said.."OK..this is it either you are going to trust me or else." He agreed and they been married another 9 years later.


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## Katrin (Nov 10, 2009)

Trust can be rebuilt, but only if you both really love each other. I don't agree in making the offending partner walk on eggshells through constant checks of emails and cell messages. He should naturally show you, in gestures that he can be trusted. It's easy to be so full of guilt, he will agree to such measures, but the guilt intensify and your partner will be come resentful. It will be hard to ignite a real spark, which is what you want. You know deep inside your heart if he is a good person who made a bad mistake, and if he is truly sorry for the pain he caused. You cannot force love, you can stay together for many reasons, but to be truly happy you need to feel genuine love in the relationship. You know your partner, and circumstances better than anyone. Listen to what your heart is telling you. You cannot force a person to be trustworthy, it needs to come naturally. Is he making the effort on his own??


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

Without trust, there is no marriage. Be sure you can trust him before you put your faith into him because if he is the cheater your making him out to be, it would be foolish to invest into the marriage and build trust.
As for myself, cheating is a deal breaker... there are no more chances and the marriage is over.
There are those who don't feel that way, but I do as I know I could never trust that person again and have no interest in making a fool of myself and wasting my time rebuilding something that is broken.


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## caramel_angel85 (Nov 16, 2009)

It's always easy for us to say we would just walk away, but when love is involved it is not that easy. If you truely love him, and you both truely want the marriage to work, sit down with him and explain how you feel, how he made you feel, how you are having a hard time trusting him and express all of these things. If he made you feel like you were worthless and unloved tell him that. After all of this if he still continues to ignore your request to leave other women alone, then you know that he is not truely trying to make an effort. Only you can decide if he is truely trying or not. And only you can make the final decision to stay or walk away.


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## scarletblue (May 20, 2009)

Pretty much all of my ex's affairs started with friendships. It started off as (usually) a co-worker. Maybe a bit of "innocent" flirting and joking. Then the friendship would get a little deeper and they could "confide" in each other. He'd tell her about his maritial problems, and she would tell him about hers. Then, of course, she would tell him how great she would treat him, and do this or that for him.

A woman even wrote a book on this sort of thing! A guide on how to take someone's man. One of her tips was to do what I just described.

If he wants your marriage to work, then he needs to back off on the friendships with females. That shouldn't be too hard to do if he is sincere on trying to make things work with you.


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