# MIL being manipulative



## psychocandy

Anyway, got son aged 8. MIL lives alone 15 miles away.

She babysits for us when my wife works and its difficult and we even get to go away for weekends. We really appreciate this.

Trouble is recently it seems to be with strings attached with her. She doesnt drive and when she stays for a day or two she always seems to milk it out as long as she can.

Dont get me wrong - shes OK to get along with but sometimes you just want your own space back.

Shes getting more and more manipulative as well with how she manages to wangle to stay all the time. For instance, shes offered to come up friday for a few hours to help out but then we found out shes been telling people shes staying for a week! We never even said that to her she just assumed it was ok.

Now, I dont want to be tight because the poor woman is obviously a bit lonely. And I dont want to stick my Mrs is in the middle because its not fair on her (we argue about her mother all the time).

But I feel her mother is really unfair forcing herself between us like this. She makes no effort to entertain herself at all and seems to think its her daughers job to look after her.

And I loose count the number of times shes hinted to move in!

And its stresing me big time. More than it should. Im constantly worried about it and arguments me and the mrs have about it.


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## rj700

I can definitely relate. My MIL moved in with us over a year ago till she could sell her house and get in at assisted living. She lost the house cause she has no control over spending (think hoarder), wouldn't take a reasonable offer for the house cause it was less than she wanted.

I see no end in sight. There are so many things she does that drive me crazy - and my W too. Even though she has 2 sons & another daughter, we're the only ones willing.

Sorry for the rant, but even with all of that I couldn't put her out or put the stress on my W to force something else to happen.

Is your MIL living there a total non-starter? She does help out, you do get day care/baby sitting out of it. If it was your mother instead of hers, would you be as resistant?

And I get wanting your space back. Its a very tough choice. Because it is either take her in and deal with that stress, or don't and put up with the stress it creates for your W. 

Is your wife insisting the MIL move in? Or is she just pushing for it? Is that what the arguments are about?


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## FirstYearDown

Maybe your MIL feels she has the right to intrude because of all the babysitting. I am not saying she is right, just trying to give you a different perspective.

It might be time to gently set some boundaries.


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## psychocandy

rj700 said:


> I can definitely relate. My MIL moved in with us over a year ago till she could sell her house and get in at assisted living. She lost the house cause she has no control over spending (think hoarder), wouldn't take a reasonable offer for the house cause it was less than she wanted.
> 
> I see no end in sight. There are so many things she does that drive me crazy - and my W too. Even though she has 2 sons & another daughter, we're the only ones willing.
> 
> Sorry for the rant, but even with all of that I couldn't put her out or put the stress on my W to force something else to happen.
> 
> Is your MIL living there a total non-starter? She does help out, you do get day care/baby sitting out of it. If it was your mother instead of hers, would you be as resistant?
> 
> And I get wanting your space back. Its a very tough choice. Because it is either take her in and deal with that stress, or don't and put up with the stress it creates for your W.
> 
> Is your wife insisting the MIL move in? Or is she just pushing for it? Is that what the arguments are about?


Kudos to you for taking your MIL in. Not something I could do...

Yes, I would be as resistant if it was one of my family to be honest. The thing is I've always said, if MIL was ill and couldn't live alone then it'd be different. Like you though, wife has 2 brothers and a sister so someone would have to step up.

BUT, MIL is not ill in the slightest but she makes no effort on her own. She plays on it. Shes got a lovely house but she'd rather be at ours. Shes got 4 kids who she sees at least once a week each. Yet she plays the guilt trip. For instance, if shes home she moans its too hard to cook for one person. 

I just think in her circumstance, she's got a bit of a duty to realise just how good her kids are. And to leave them have their own life as well without causing them hassle. It just annoys me that she thinks only of herself.

Wife does not want MIL here all the time either. She wants a normal relationship with her mother not one where her mother is there 100% of the time. But of course, its her mother so its difficult for her to see sometimes and of course its difficult for her sometimes.

Another complication is my dad. He's in not such good health and even though hes got his own annoying issues, he never puts on us. If he ever got really ill, it might be tough if he ever moved in because hes difficult to live with and I dont think it'd be fair on wife unless we were forced down this route.

Sometimes though I do wonder if MIL is causing hassle deliberately between us. After all, if we split up she gets to move in permanently possibly? :-(


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## psychocandy

FirstYearDown said:


> Maybe your MIL feels she has the right to intrude because of all the babysitting. I am not saying she is right, just trying to give you a different perspective.
> 
> It might be time to gently set some boundaries.


I think maybe your right. Sometimes I feel its got strings attached whatever she does for us.

Yeh, wife does her best but I do feel sorry for. Sometimes it seems a constant struggle having to watch what shes trying to get away with next.... :-(


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## FirstYearDown

If people attach strings to what they do for you, it is best not to take anything from them so that you are not indebted. I know you may need a babysitter but is it worth all the manipulation? At least if you paid some responsible teenager, there would be no strings attached. 

My mother offered to pay for our wedding on the condition that she plan it to her specifications. My husband and I did not want a wedding that had nothing to do with us. So we eloped.


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## Advocado

Does your son every go to stay with MIL at her house. Not saying he should be shunted there if he does not enjoy her company but if he enjoys spending time with her must it always be at your house.

Also, how about your wife's siblings babysitting for you instead on occasion. (By the way if MIL object to this - possible red flag as regards MIL motives in babysitting)

I do agree with FirstYearDown about taking care re strings attached.


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## norajane

She sounds lonely. Can you get her involved with volunteer work or charities or church activities or something?

Of course, that might cut into her baby-sitting time, but the busier she is with her own life, the less she will be in yours.


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## rj700

Psycho - what are the arguments about it with your W then?


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## psychocandy

rj700 said:


> Psycho - what are the arguments about it with your W then?


Most of the arguments are because she thinks I'm being too hard on her mother. Most of the time (90%) she agrees with me and can see exactly what her mother is up to but sometimes she lets it go which annoys me.

One of the arguments we have is that she lets her mother get away with it because its easier to upset me than her mother sometimes.


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## psychocandy

FirstYearDown said:


> If people attach strings to what they do for you, it is best not to take anything from them so that you are not indebted. I know you may need a babysitter but is it worth all the manipulation? At least if you paid some responsible teenager, there would be no strings attached.
> 
> My mother offered to pay for our wedding on the condition that she plan it to her specifications. My husband and I did not want a wedding that had nothing to do with us. So we eloped.


Yes, trying to do that at the moment. I'd be same as you....

IMHO, families do things for each other because they want to. She babysits for us, wife does LOADS for her as well but to attach strings is not on.


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## psychocandy

Advocado said:


> Does your son every go to stay with MIL at her house. Not saying he should be shunted there if he does not enjoy her company but if he enjoys spending time with her must it always be at your house.
> 
> Also, how about your wife's siblings babysitting for you instead on occasion. (By the way if MIL object to this - possible red flag as regards MIL motives in babysitting)
> 
> I do agree with FirstYearDown about taking care re strings attached.


Yes, he does sometimes. We've had to arrange things sometimes to do it like this. 

Wifes siblings - no chance at all with that one. But thats another subject. Before we had our son, we were ALWAYS looking after wifes sisters kids but since they've grown up, wifes sister wont look after ours.


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## psychocandy

norajane said:


> She sounds lonely. Can you get her involved with volunteer work or charities or church activities or something?
> 
> Of course, that might cut into her baby-sitting time, but the busier she is with her own life, the less she will be in yours.


We've tried and tried. To be honest, I'd be glad if she had her own activities and couldn't babysit.

But, she just wont make an effort at all. Would rather have her kids look after her and provide her with entertainment.


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## rj700

psychocandy said:


> Most of the arguments are because she thinks I'm being too hard on her mother. Most of the time (90%) she agrees with me and can see exactly what her mother is up to but sometimes she lets it go which annoys me.
> 
> One of the arguments we have is that she lets her mother get away with it because its easier to upset me than her mother sometimes.


Again, I can completely relate. My W agrees with me most of the time about her mother and what needs to happen. But there is never any movement in that direction. And since MIL lives with us, there are daily reminders & events/circumstances. I have deliberately tried to minimize this as I don't see any solution that doesn't involve major turmoil. I can't say that is a good option, so I am certainly not recommending it for you.

I'd move along the lines of what FirstYearDown & Avacodo says. Use a baby sitter and try to only use MIL at her house, not yours.


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## turnera

What's missing in all this is honest communication. Why can't you be honest with her?

Also, why can't you and your wife agree on a stance? If it KEEPS coming up, then you clearly need to sit down and establish what your stance is regarding her mother, or you WILL end up divorced.

How old is your wife?


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## psychocandy

turnera said:


> What's missing in all this is honest communication. Why can't you be honest with her?
> 
> Also, why can't you and your wife agree on a stance? If it KEEPS coming up, then you clearly need to sit down and establish what your stance is regarding her mother, or you WILL end up divorced.
> 
> How old is your wife?


But I can see wifes point of view - she doesnt want to upset her mother unnecessarily. But of course MIL knows this which is why she tries it on so much.

Wife same as me. early 40s.


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## turnera

Well, NO one wants to upset their mother. But she has an obligation to her husband now. Especially in her 40s! I thought you were going to say 20s, which would explain her reticence to stand up to her mom; in her 40s? She's got major guilt issues going on. THAT you can address.


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## FirstYearDown

Some people don't stand up to their parents for a greater good. It becomes a balancing act between asserting yourselves as a couple and being sensitive to a mother's sadness at "losing" her son or daughter. A lot of intrusive behavior from in-laws stems from not feeling wanted or needed.

We recently attended a charity gala that we did not want to go to. However, I have a very close relationship with my father and he is the head of this charity. Even though my husband and I hate parties, we felt that was a small price to pay in order to show support. My father had been asking us to attend for YEARS.


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## turnera

That's a big difference from your MIL ingratiating herself into your house every week for several days at a time.

What's needed IS a balance.


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## Chris Taylor

turnera said:


> Well, NO one wants to upset their mother. But she has an obligation to her husband now. Especially in her 40s! I thought you were going to say 20s, which would explain her reticence to stand up to her mom; in her 40s? She's got major guilt issues going on. THAT you can address.


Actually it's the other way around. As the parents get older it's less likely that a "child" will want to upset them, so the wife doesn't push back as hard. 

Guilt? I don't think so. But the issue is whether she will work with her husband to remedy the situation and can he come up with suggestions that don't put her in the middle of him and her mother.


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## turnera

I would disagree. The older you get, the more you hopefully start relating to your mother as adults, equals.


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## norajane

turnera said:


> I would disagree. The older you get, the more you hopefully start relating to your mother as adults, equals.


You do...but then your parents turn an old-age corner, and suddenly they are like your children and need care, both emotional and physical. Sadly, it happens.


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## turnera

IDK. My mom was 76 when she died and we never entered a switched role. We were always equals. She didn't expect me to help her, even when she was sick, though I told I was going to, anyway. I guess it all depends on what kind of dynamics were set in motion when you were younger. But that doesn't mean you can't shift gears at some point and stop being responsible for your mother's social calendar. I equate it with, when a young couple starts having kids, it can become time to say to the parents, 'we want to start our own traditions now, so we aren't going to be coming to your house on Christmas morning any more. We'll come later, but we're going to start saving that for our new little family.'


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## turnera

And the OP's MIL doesn't NEED care. He said she's in very good shape; she's just lonely and won't look elsewhere for companionship.


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## turnera

From what I read, the problem is that the MIL pushes herself into their lives and the daughter doesn't want to say it's an imposition to the mom, and now the couple are fighting about it because the daughter feels caught in the middle. Did I read it wrong?


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## KellyK

If you feel there are strings attached to her babysitting, then hire your own babysitter.

Then any discussions that come up about your MIL imposing herself on you can't include a discussion on how she gives of herself to you and can be addressed as it's own issue.


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## cloudwithleggs

I just don't really see a serious issue, why cut the MIL time with her grandchild, it is not just baby sitting it is a relationship with her grandchild, will the child be happy to see nana less, i don't think so.

Yes she sounds very lonely and your wife loves her very much i know doubt, you as a husband are putting your wife in a very difficult position that isn't necessary, how is the MIL imposing by just being there and helping out.

My mother died when i was in my 20's so i miss her very much, i would appreciate it greatly if she were still around.

You are very lucky that you have a kind considerate grandparent that obviously adores you as a family enough to want to be around you all the time, what a compliment.


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## turnera

So true!


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## psychocandy

turnera said:


> Well, NO one wants to upset their mother. But she has an obligation to her husband now. Especially in her 40s! I thought you were going to say 20s, which would explain her reticence to stand up to her mom; in her 40s? She's got major guilt issues going on. THAT you can address.


Yeh. Been together 20+ years, married 16 yrs.

Things did change a lot when her Dad died 10 years ago. Mother has got slowly worse and worse since then.


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## psychocandy

turnera said:


> And the OP's MIL doesn't NEED care. He said she's in very good shape; she's just lonely and won't look elsewhere for companionship.


For her age, shes 72, her health is VERY good. She only just gave up working a part-time job.

Yeh, shes lonely and I can see that and I'll help if I can. BUT, shes got 4 kids all who live within 30 mins drive (one son lives next street). One son takes her out EVERY Saturday, one daughter takes her out EVERY Sunday, son who lives around corner pops in to see her MOST evenings, we have her for Xmas, holidays, other times, take her away for weekends.

BUT, if she has to spend even one day or her own she moans about it. Or tries some trick to get to stay longer! Annoys me.

She should be so grateful of what shes got and make an effort to amuse herself sometimes I think.


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## psychocandy

Chris Taylor said:


> Every parent is different. My father-in-law was very sick but never wanted to impose on anyone. My mother-in-law was healthier but my wife felt she needed more support that she really did need.
> 
> It's the OP's view of the parent that makes him want to help, not the actual situation.


Yep, my Dad is indeed different and awkward in different ways. Day to day I dont hear from him - hes happy for me to visit him once a week and the odd phone call (he lives 45 mins away).

But, hes a nightmare when hes ill. His health isnt too bad but not great (hes 78). Lives alone. BUT hes the worlds worst hypochondriac and can really make a drama out of anything.

When hes is in hospital hes a complete nightmare. Last time a few years ago, he pretty much demanded I visit him every day.

Hospital was 90 mins from my home so he expected me to go to work in the day, drive there, visit him for a few hours, then drive home EVERY DAY. Bit much that I thought - I was getting home at 1030pm every night after being in work all day.


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## psychocandy

turnera said:


> From what I read, the problem is that the MIL pushes herself into their lives and the daughter doesn't want to say it's an imposition to the mom, and now the couple are fighting about it because the daughter feels caught in the middle. Did I read it wrong?


Sort of. I feel mother is pushing herself too far into our lives. Wife does think this too but doesnt want to force the issue with her mother so much.

I know wife is in the middle and I feel sorry for her. No way would I ever expect her to choose between me and her mother but sometimes I feel her mother is forcing this situation into this sort of thing.

If mother acted like a normal mother there'd be no problem but I feel she wants a special relationship with her daughter which comes before anyone else.


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## psychocandy

KellyK said:


> If you feel there are strings attached to her babysitting, then hire your own babysitter.
> 
> Then any discussions that come up about your MIL imposing herself on you can't include a discussion on how she gives of herself to you and can be addressed as it's own issue.


We are trying to do this. BUT too late we realised that sometimes shes been helping us out possibly not out of total kindness but because it suits her and she can get something out of the deal.

You can guarantee after she babysits for us she is worse for a week or two later. As if she feels we owe her. 

Only problem now is if we dont ask her she gets upset about this too. Its going to have to be gradual I think.


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## psychocandy

cloudwithleggs said:


> I just don't really see a serious issue, why cut the MIL time with her grandchild, it is not just baby sitting it is a relationship with her grandchild, will the child be happy to see nana less, i don't think so.
> 
> Yes she sounds very lonely and your wife loves her very much i know doubt, you as a husband are putting your wife in a very difficult position that isn't necessary, how is the MIL imposing by just being there and helping out.
> 
> My mother died when i was in my 20's so i miss her very much, i would appreciate it greatly if she were still around.
> 
> You are very lucky that you have a kind considerate grandparent that obviously adores you as a family enough to want to be around you all the time, what a compliment.


I hear what you're saying and sorry to hear about your mother - it must be tough.

I know we're lucky to have her but I still think there do need to be some boundaries somewhere and not a free for all.


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## turnera

And that will never happen until you talk to her honestly.


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## Advocado

I guess the first essential step is to actually sit down with your wife and agree exactly how much is too much/how much is not enough and what exactly is the level of contact the family want to have with MIL.

"we have her for Xmas, holidays, other times, take her away for weekends."​
e.g. every other Xmas, take her away for the weekend x times per annum, have her baby sit at your house max x times per month/annum, babysit at her house x times per month/annum. 

Once you establish/agree this as a couple, *together *spell this out, gently but firmly, to MIL so that everybody knows what to expect. Be honest with her about why you have decided on these boundaries. MIL may not like it, and maybe sulk for a bit to try to get you to relent or to make you feel guilty, but she will know where she stands and you must thereafter stick to the plan.

If you feel it will help follow up the joint discussion with MIL with a note confirming all so that there will be no discrepancy later on.

Just my suggestion!


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## MrsKy

How about this:

"Mom, you know we love you. We appreciate everything that you do for us. We just need our own space as a married couple and that includes you not living with us or spending every single day in our home. If you would rather not babysit, that is fine, but please stop holding the fact that you watch our our child over our heads. You are very healthy and my siblings also spend a lot of time with you; I'm sure you can find another way to fill your days."

She will not be be happy to hear this, but that is not your problem. I wrote my mother a very stern letter when she was trying to control our wedding. She said that I had "no manners" and I calmly said that it is very rude of her to try and make our day about her. 

We ended up eloping because my mother just wouldn't get off our backs about having a huge wedding to make her look rich. One of the reasons we did that was to set the expectation that only my husband and I make big choices and not my mother. It worked.:smthumbup: She stays out of our business now. Sometimes my mother will ask inappropriate questions "How much debt are you in? How much did you pay for your bed?" I just remind her that some things are private.


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## turnera

I think that people today have lost the art of giving bad news. It's often needed, rarely given. Telling her the truth will help ALL of you.


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## Advocado

Just wondering - is MIL just as interfering with your wife’s siblings and is your wife the youngest?

Setting Boundaries with the Mother-In-Law


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## psychocandy

Advocado said:


> Just wondering - is MIL just as interfering with your wife’s siblings and is your wife the youngest?
> 
> Setting Boundaries with the Mother-In-Law


Well, we seem to be the favourite at the moment. She does this a lot. She picks and chooses who she prefers to be with.

For instance, if wifes brother invites her over or invites her out frequently she'll refuse (because she doesnt like his wife or kids that much). But then she'll try and get us to take her out or something instead.

Yes, wife is the youngest by quite a bit. About 8 years younger than her next oldest brother.


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## psychocandy

Some good advice here- thanks. Especially the stuff about what we should say to her.

To be honest, wife is getting much better. At first it was just small things MIL was trying to get away with, but I guess as she had success she tried bigger things. 

The small things wife let slide but the bigger things she isn't at the moment and its causing her to get annoyed with her mother. Not ideal but its good because wife realises whats happening.


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## turnera

There's an amazing little book you both can read that teaches you how to say no to a loved one without getting them mad at you. I highly recommend it. In fact, my IC recommended it. It's called The Dance Of Anger.


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## MrsKy

Sometimes we have to stop caring about other people's reactions and just do what makes us happy.


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## Advocado

psychocandy said:


> Well, we seem to be the favourite at the moment. She does this a lot. She picks and chooses who she prefers to be with.
> 
> For instance, if wifes brother invites her over or invites her out frequently she'll refuse (because she doesnt like his wife or kids that much). But then she'll try and get us to take her out or something instead.
> 
> Yes, wife is the youngest by quite a bit. About 8 years younger than her next oldest brother.



This makes me feel even more strongly that you need to do something about this ASAP. Obviously I don't know your MIL but could she be the type to try and play one child off against the other. Sometimes by making one child the favourite a parent can isolate that child from their siblings who may feel jealous. Next thing you know, siblings are backing off from mom and the favourite (your wife) is the 'last man standing' so to speak. If your wife is finding it difficult to stand up to your MIL now, it will be 10 times more difficult when the other siblings are off the scene. You wife will feel like she has to give in to her mother coz basically mum has no one else (i.e. MIL has engineered things so that siblings are distant from both her and your wife and then she can more easily make your wife feel guilty about not spending time.

Now with your wife being the youngest - again this fits in. MIL will want to hang close to your wife simply because there is no one else down the line she can latch onto if she has indeed alienated all the older siblings. 

I might be totally wrong here and I know I am biased coz I am the youngest in my own family and my mother has narcissistic tendencies. It's just my alarm bells are ringing. So, PLEASE, do something about this now so that MIL knows you mean business. The longer it goes on the harder it will be to extract yourselves from her clutches - MIL will be older and frailer and your wife's guilt will go into overdrive. 

Just do do something about this NOW - my advice.


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## psychocandy

Advocado said:


> This makes me feel even more strongly that you need to do something about this ASAP. Obviously I don't know your MIL but could she be the type to try and play one child off against the other. Sometimes by making one child the favourite a parent can isolate that child from their siblings who may feel jealous. Next thing you know, siblings are backing off from mom and the favourite (your wife) is the 'last man standing' so to speak. If your wife is finding it difficult to stand up to your MIL now, it will be 10 times more difficult when the other siblings are off the scene. You wife will feel like she has to give in to her mother coz basically mum has no one else (i.e. MIL has engineered things so that siblings are distant from both her and your wife and then she can more easily make your wife feel guilty about not spending time.
> 
> Now with your wife being the youngest - again this fits in. MIL will want to hang close to your wife simply because there is no one else down the line she can latch onto if she has indeed alienated all the older siblings.
> 
> I might be totally wrong here and I know I am biased coz I am the youngest in my own family and my mother has narcissistic tendencies. It's just my alarm bells are ringing. So, PLEASE, do something about this now so that MIL knows you mean business. The longer it goes on the harder it will be to extract yourselves from her clutches - MIL will be older and frailer and your wife's guilt will go into overdrive.
> 
> Just do do something about this NOW - my advice.


I think you might be right. MIL does seem to pick and choose who she wants to be with sometimes. 

I think I mentioned that one brother does things saturdays with her, sister on sundays. She came to visit us the other week, on a wednesday. Wife heard her on phone thursday night telling brother it was ok because she was planning to stay with us all weekend (first we'd heard!). Wife was not happy (because we had plans anyway that weekend!) - she took MIL home on friday as planned. Example of how she does this - takes the preferred option if she can.

Wifes siblings also tend to keep their head down so to speak and let MIL come to us more often than not whuch doesnt help!


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## psychocandy

Away this weekend with MIL in tow. To be honest, I dont mind this sort of thing so much because its a normal activity you may do with family. Its something that we've invited her on (i.e. we control) rather than been forced into the position by her.

Shes a nice enough lady (although mildly annoying after a few days LOL) though so it should be OK this weekend (as long as she doesn't try to extend it by staying at our house next week!).


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## turnera

Should give you plenty of time to get her daughter to talk to her.


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## Advocado

Yeah, do all enjoy the weekend away - but don't let that sidetrack you from thinking about the longterm.

Did you and your wife agree the boundaries yet/when will you be talking to MIL?


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## Mizpah

I understand the struggle and strain of in-laws particularly the manipulative, self-inviting guest variety. In fact, his mother and brother pulled the same thing on us for weeks during their time up here (they're living down South) while we were settling the grandmother's estate, after asking to stay ONE night. They too started telling other people they'd be staying for the week, and it went downhill from there.

I let my resentment build, and my husband and I now have problems because we argued the worst and most we ever had during that time because I wanted my home and privacy back, or at least for them to be considerate guests. We have a 1 bedroom apartment, mind you. That was a mistake. My recommendation for you, as someone who has been there, is to have a calm, non-accusing, non-demanding talk with your wife. Tell her you don't mind her mother coming to visit, you appreciate all her help, and even enjoy her company, but you feel that her visits should be shorter and she should ASK you both how long she can stay, not assume. 

That way you aren't demanding for her to leave, stop coming, etc. Just a tweak in how it happens, and how often or how long. Wish you the best...


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## psychocandy

Mizpah said:


> I understand the struggle and strain of in-laws particularly the manipulative, self-inviting guest variety. In fact, his mother and brother pulled the same thing on us for weeks during their time up here (they're living down South) while we were settling the grandmother's estate, after asking to stay ONE night. They too started telling other people they'd be staying for the week, and it went downhill from there.
> 
> I let my resentment build, and my husband and I now have problems because we argued the worst and most we ever had during that time because I wanted my home and privacy back, or at least for them to be considerate guests. We have a 1 bedroom apartment, mind you. That was a mistake. My recommendation for you, as someone who has been there, is to have a calm, non-accusing, non-demanding talk with your wife. Tell her you don't mind her mother coming to visit, you appreciate all her help, and even enjoy her company, but you feel that her visits should be shorter and she should ASK you both how long she can stay, not assume.
> 
> That way you aren't demanding for her to leave, stop coming, etc. Just a tweak in how it happens, and how often or how long. Wish you the best...


Mizpah - thats terrible that guests expect to stay with you in a one-bedroom apartment! I'd say that no-one should expect to stay with you except in an emergency or max one night in this case. 

Assume you are in North America? Not sure where you live but from times I've been there hotels are so cheap so why cant relatives stay there?

You must have the patience of a saint. Its not fair of your husb to expect you to put up with more than 1 night max in a one bed appt.


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## Mizpah

psychocandy said:


> Mizpah - thats terrible that guests expect to stay with you in a one-bedroom apartment! I'd say that no-one should expect to stay with you except in an emergency or max one night in this case.
> 
> Assume you are in North America? Not sure where you live but from times I've been there hotels are so cheap so why cant relatives stay there?
> 
> You must have the patience of a saint. Its not fair of your husb to expect you to put up with more than 1 night max in a one bed appt.


It happens every time his family comes up North (yes, we live in North America) and while I understand that I would expect my teenage and preteen sisters to be allowed to stay with us since they couldn't afford hotels, I see that as a little different since his siblings are all adults and one of my clients has a 3 bedroom house (all used) and when her husband's family visits, from out of country, they still get a hotel for the visit due to lack of room.

I don't know if I had the patience of the saint since I pretty much demanded he kick them out after the second night, but I did put up with a lot. Especially his brother lying around in our floor on his "bed" doing nothing but being rude, especially when my family had a crisis due to a huge storm, and his mom overstepping and throwing his socks and my baking sheets away, washing my hand wash only SWEATERS in summer and ruining them...

Then she had the audacity to call my husband after and say there had been some things I had done during their stay that had bothered her, listed all my flaws, told him she didn't like how I treated him (hmm, maybe she sensed the underlying tension between us or maybe it was my asking him to take out the trash) and didn't want him to get "beat down" like a male family friend who is going through a divorce. He defended me, but that lead to more issues. We're now resolving everything, but I think the damage has been done with his family to the point of me just being civil when needed.

Sorry to be turning this topic around on me! Just venting a little I suppose  Hope your situation improves and that you get your house back!


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## turnera

Mizpah, I hope you told your husband that the next time they come, HE can stay with THEM - in their hotel room!


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## Mizpah

turnera said:


> Mizpah, I hope you told your husband that the next time they come, HE can stay with THEM - in their hotel room!


If I hear a whisper of them coming up North again (which they will be for more estate crap in October, but are supposed to be staying with someone else *fingers crossed.*) I will. I gave my husband a pretty shocked look when he was talking to his mom last night about her troubles changing the flights (she booked them for herself and his sister whose in college without checking the sister's midterm dates, and since the instructors obviously won't let her take them early or late, she's now scrambling to try to change them), and he asked her if they could fly into our airport, which would probably would have meant her (the sister always stays with her friends when she's here) staying with us instead of being a couple hours away, but our airport is more expensive to fly into/out of than the one in the city.


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## turnera

The time for that conversation is already come and gone, Mizpah. Have it today.


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