# Having a really rough time



## hurtinginohio (Nov 18, 2014)

Here is the link to my story on CWI. http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/233266-never-thought-id-here.html

Husband moved out last week, temporarily with a friend about 25 min. away, all he's taken is clothing and work stuff. I'm a mess, I'm dying inside, every day I wake up hoping it's all been a bad dream, but nope, I relive it again and again. I decided to post over here as well since I guess we are now separated although nothing official yet. He plans to get an apt. the first of the year, not sure how he'll afford it, we barely make ends meet the way it is. I can't eat, have lost 20 pounds, I can't focus on work, I'm just feeling so lost right now. Since it seems he has no plans to end his EA (just checked the phone records & he was texting back and forth with her all morning again), I don't know that I should hold on hope of reconciliation.

I just needed to get this out there with other people in the same boat, it's just so very lonely.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

I'm sorry you are in such pain.

Go talk to an attorney. Call the local bar association and find out who will provide a free hour consultation. His creditors can always come after you (and will) until you are protected. He left. Don't let him take one more item out of the house until there's an agreement. Do you have copies of all the financials? Tax records? Credit cards? Paystubs?

Are you working on the 180? Have you gone to the MD to discuss meds for anxiety/depression?

Have you exposed the EA? Few things end the joy (fog) of an EA/PA like have the families call him up and tell him what they think.


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## hurtinginohio (Nov 18, 2014)

Pluto2 said:


> I'm sorry you are in such pain.
> 
> Go talk to an attorney. Call the local bar association and find out who will provide a free hour consultation. His creditors can always come after you (and will) until you are protected. He left. Don't let him take one more item out of the house until there's an agreement. Do you have copies of all the financials? Tax records? Credit cards? Paystubs?
> 
> ...


I did expose it to his parents (he's an only child), but they are the kind who rug-sweep and keep things bottled up, no one really tells each other how they feel. I would like to expose it to her husband, but all I have is her cell phone number, no contact info for him at all. I'm already on zoloft, but not sure if it's helping. I'm working hard on the 180, it's tough especially with kids...


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## Jharm (Oct 20, 2014)

Hey, sorry to find yourself here. I know it doesn't seem like it but the sooner you stop all contact with him the easier it will be. People on here will tell you, that literally just last week I was a hot mess.. MESS... but once I stopped talking to her, I feel better. 

The longer you keep talking to him and not hearing what you want to hear, the more it hurts. When people here tell you no contact, listen!! It's hard. I still fight the urge but it's so worth it. Just make it past the first few days. As far as with kids involved.. Only talk to him about the kids. Make is short and to the point.

Go out with friends, see family. Do something just don't think about him!!! He doesn't deserve your thoughts right now.

Read this http://talkaboutmarriage.com/reconciliation/234361-new-reconciliation-already-confused.html 

These people on here have really helped me.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Yes, 180 with kids is hard. Try keeping all communication to text or email. Only respond to the communications that involve the kids. Ignore everything else. Let the calls go to voice mail. Handling communications this way allows you to digest what ever it is he says, and to formulate a brief response, and most importantly to allow you to answer only what and when you want. After a bit of this, it gets easier.


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## Faithful123 (Oct 29, 2014)

HIO I will go against the grain here and say that it doesn't matter now that there is someone else at this point. Deal with that later if required. Do not torment yourself with that, it is not productive and serves only to make you feel much much worse. Stop with phone records and the checking, it will send you around the twist. Trust me I've been there. 

Use this time to seek out help and improve yourself. Massage is also very helpful at this time, book in and have a remedial massage it will help. Seek IC and focus on you and becoming a better you. I would adopt the 180 for yourself and really live it immediately.

The feelings you are having a very normal, the pit in you belly the thumping chest, the lack of sleep the anxiety, lack of appetite and so on. This is normal, it is important to feel this so we can train our brain to manage it better. Just don't let it consume you. At present it sounds like you're really doing it tough, so definitely go to your MD and talk about some meds to help you over this initial hump.

In terms of managing it, think about coping mechanisms for your anxiety in the short term, things like, exercise, leaning on a close friend, keeping busy with a hobby, doing something you have wanted to do but never did. Focus on putting your needs first and not on getting him back. In essence by focusing on yourself you will become more confident and happy and that will be much more attractive. 

Its very tough in this early stage, its a loss and we tend to think way too far ahead, we catastrophise, so for now take little bites and do little things day to day that improve your feelings and circumstances.

Do the following, get some sleep, take a sleeping tablet if you need to rest, a tired mind is much worse in these circumstances. Panic and shock are normal, see your doctor about getting some meds to deal with it if needed. I know you don't want to eat, but force yourself to eat something regularly even if its small. I also didn't want to eat but forced down small bits of food. Make sure you lean on someone close a trusted friend/IC it will help to talk out your feelings. If there is one message you take from this it that what you are feeling is completely normal and in time it will get easier...trust me it will, you just cant see it.

I also felt desperately lonely and I have 3 kids most of the time. I live in a massive 5 bedroom house, which makes it worse. For me through IC I understood that my loneliness came from my childhood. With that said even today I still struggle with it, I am not 100% sure how to fix it, but feeling it is a start, no matter how hard it is. I read and watch TV, go for walks, visits museums alone, do things i don't feel like. I say hello to strangers more and its amazing how much better that will make you feel. 

Its natural to want him back, but you need to start detaching from him and turn this around and make it about putting your needs first. That doesn't mean you're writing him off in fact it means the exact opposite that you are becoming a better person.

Change your thinking slowly to see this a positive and use this time to improve yourself. I cant stress this enough, you may not see it now, but you will. YOU DESERVE BETTER!!!!!

READ THE 180....ADOPT IT FOR YOU.

Do not repress your feelings express them, cry when you need to its cathartic and you will feel better after it. Be kind to yourself. Be careful not to get too angry and too not become a victim in this. 

In this early stage it is really important to keep busy and occupy your time, otherwise you will dwell on it. Writing things down in a journal also will help, its hard to do and we get lazy sometimes, but I can say when I did I felt better afterwards.

This site is really good for venting seeking independent advice and alike, post away here even when you're struggling and you will get some clarity and independent advice on whats going on for you. TAM is online group therapy.

It will improve I'm about 4 to 5 months in now and on road to divorce, but am much stronger and happier than I ever was. I never thought I would be here today thinking like this, so rest assured if you do what you need to for you, in time you will also feel better and be better, whether that's with your husband or without. Get out of your head an don't think too much. Stay focused and strong. It will improve and R will only be possible if you become the stronger independent person for yourself.

I wish I could give you a hug....sometimes all we want is the caring and understanding of others, so for now please post whatever you feel you need to, there is no judgement here just safety and advice.

My thoughts are with you from afar (Australia).


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Your going through the withdrawal of the relationship. Once you detach, you will most likely divorce him. Your in the phase of wanting to cling on to a dead relationship, so you may not see that his disloyalty is a trait that you really don't want. His lack of respect, his imaturity, and other things will eventually kill your love for him. You will realize that he abandoned you, and disregarded your history and experience together for an infatuation.

Just detach, and all these things will become clearer. Work on yourself, hang out with friends and do something that brings fulfillment. If you can't afford the home, try selling, and downsizing. Learn to be thrifty, and perhaps seek a better job. It will take time and energy. You taking focus away from him and reinvesting elsewhere will likely kill your feelings fast. Learn to be a healthy independent yo without him. Ask yourself, can you be happy with a guy that will abandon you for something superficial. Infatuation is superficial, it has not been tempered by stress, experience, and working through issues as a team. So put the energy into yourself, and be selfish.


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## Faithful123 (Oct 29, 2014)

:iagree:


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