# Day 1 of separation



## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Well, today is day one of our separation. Long story short, she had an online affair for about a year. Many false reconciliations after the crocodile tears and promises to end the affair. Affair went PA when she went to be his live-in girlfriend for 2 weeks. Was preparing for divorce when she supposedly had an eye opening experience and said she doesn't want a divorce and she wanted to work on the marriage. The first few days, her words, actions, attitude, etc. matched that statement. After a week, she contacted him. She was drunk, so after much discussion and another round of crocodile tears, I gave it a little longer. 2 more strikes the next week.

So, now, we are separated. We worked out terms where the kids keep the house. We share the house. I get 4 nights per week in the house with the kids while she stays at her sister's house. She gets 3 nights per week in the house with the kids while I stay at my parents' house. I know that won't work long term, but for now, it seems like a fair arrangement to me. I believe that will work until we are able to sell the house and stuff inside it to give us both some cash to start our own individual households.

I feel bad for the kids, but I feel relieved. I put in a long hard battle to try to save a marriage that totally sucked. Today, I feel free.


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## calif_hope (Feb 25, 2011)

Sorry man, you did your best with the resources you had. Unbelievable!

So, since the kids are in public school, she is expected to pay a portion of the households expenses right? So she needs a job, does she understand that?!

I'd be carefull now on how much you share of your intentions with her family, when it comes down to it blood is thicker than water. Just be careful, just saying.

Do you have a rule in place that the a## h### is forbidden in your house during her 3 days?

If anyone one deserves full custody for the sake of your kids, its you.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I've followed your story from the very beginning. You have done everything possible to save this marriage and your WS has done nothing but act selfish. She has taken every offer of kindness from you and slapped you in the face with it.

why aren't you moving to divorce instead of continuing to suffer through a separation. You know from her past that she will only continue to use every opportunity to contact and continue with the slime ball in CO. 

Protect your kids and yourself. Cut this selfish foolish woman who has chosen the OM in CO over her family out of your lives as fast a possible. True she is the mother of your children, but she's clearly chosen the OM over her children, her family, and her marriage.

The sooner she's gone, the sooner you can find a good wife and upgrade. Right now you're wasting good days of your life on her and getting nothing it return.


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## mayatatia (Jul 3, 2011)

Living in limbo is torture. You took positive actions, when all else failed. I know for myself, after years of trying to save my marriage, the decision to separate finally gave me peace. Best of luck to you. I know at times you will miss her, but in reality what we mourn is for that marriage that never was and never will be.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

you will be alright hurt, you know you can jingle whenever you need to, you made the right decision, as i have, no more going back.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Hang in there. Every day makes us a bit stronger and stronger !

~sammy


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

calif_hope said:


> Do you have a rule in place that the a## h### is forbidden in your house during her 3 days?


Yes, that rule was made perfectly clear. Neither of us is to ever bring a member of the opposite sex into that home, period. We'll be selling it in the divorce. Until then, as we share it, there will be no OM or OW in that home at all.

Also, neither of us is to bring another man or woman around the kids. No introducing them on the phone, internet, or nothing. The kids are to have absolutely no contact with OM or with any woman that I may become involved with.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

The kids are having a rough time. We talked for a while last night. I've spent two nights away and they miss me very much. I miss them even more, I believe. I get them tonight. I can't wait to give them all a great big hug and kiss. I don't care if I see STBXW again, but not being with my kids every night is absolutely killing me. Does that ever get better?


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

I guess her religion she supposedly received didn't last very long???? 

Tn, why don't you go ahead and file for divorce, seek primary custody of your kids, keep your home and let her have weekend visitation with them at her parents house?


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

karole said:


> I guess her religion she supposedly received didn't last very long????


 Not long at all, if ever.



karole said:


> Tn, why don't you go ahead and file for divorce, seek primary custody of your kids, keep your home and let her have weekend visitation with them at her parents house?


 I think we are pretty close on ironing out the details for an uncontested divorce. I would rather go that route for many reasons. A nice Harley in the driveway vs. lawyer fees. The extra trauma for the kids in a court battle. For now, the separation seems pretty fair. I hate not being with my kids each night, but that is the way it will be either way.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

You are a lot nicer than I would be in your situation TN, that's for sure. You are holding the cards in this game and won't play them. But, I suppose you are doing what you think best. I admire the way you protect your kids, but I think alot of times you use your kids as an excuse. I wish you the best and I do hope you will protect yourself during this process and don't let your wife walk all over you again.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

karole said:


> You are holding the cards in this game and won't play them. But, I suppose you are doing what you think best.



I do hold the cards, but there is a time to play them and a time to hold them. I had a great poker hand last weekend. I flopped a high flush draw and open end straight draw. There were 2 other players. I hit my flush on the turn. Player 1 bet fairly large. Player 2 called. I mistakenly raised. Player 1 still called, but Player 2 folded. I should have just called and most likely would have got more cash out of player 2. Player 1 ended up going all in on the river, with me having the best hand.

Anyway, we're not to the river yet. I have the best hand, so I won't lose the pot. Waiting and working things out amicably could save several thousand dollars and a lot of headache. That is plan A at the time, anyway. There is a plan B, but I'd rather not go there if I don't have to.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

Yes, I agree, but there are times when you get what you pay for. I would rather do without a motorcycle and hire a great lawyer, file for divorce and end up with my home, primary custody of my kids and her paying child support.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

I have consulted with an attorney. If I can get close to the expected outcome of using him without the thousands, I'll go for it. Even with the attorney, it isn't a gaurantee. I agree on getting what you pay for. I won't give away the farm to avoid the fees. Yet, the price warrants some work in that direction.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

TN, I hope for your and your kids' sake you do come out of this divorce the way you should, I really do. Maybe your wife will be one of those women who just want out and will do whatever necessary to end the marriage as quickly as possible so she can be with her other man. I really hope she is that type person and doesn't later decide that she will fight you tooth and nail for everything you own and custody of your kids. If she is in the giving mood at present, I'd go ahead and file for divorce and maybe she would agree to everything you want. It seems that that every time you start taking steps in the right direction, you always back down and end up in a worse place than where you started.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

mayatatia said:


> in reality what we mourn is for that marriage that never was and never will be.






Oh that is so painful to read.

~sammy


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Well,.. I dont know,,, my marriage "was" for several years in our life together. What I mourn for is for what she changed into beyond my control, the lack of having any influence or bearing on the issue, and the loss of it. To say the marriage "never was" discounts wayyyy tooo much.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

I agree with Shoo on the "never was" part. Out of 13 years, there were some good times. The three most precious people on the face of the earth were born out of that 13 year union.

Last night was very hard. It was my night with the kids. I enjoyed that part very much, until bedtime. My daughter cried and begged me for 10 minutes to come home tomorrow night. She said, "I'm not going to sleep until you and Mommy both sleep in this house." They gave all kinds of alternatives. I can live upstairs and she can live downstairs. They will not let us fight. They will be in the middle and refuse to leave if we start to argue. It's not fair to them to not have both parents every night.

I wanted so bad to explain to them exactly the reason we are not together any more. Explain just what that 2-week "vacation" entailed. How she called him after the supposed wake-up call. How she has chosen that POS OM over me and them. However, I understand that they are part her. Any knocking down of her will be internalized by them that they are bad. That is the hardest part of this whole darn thing. Seeing the pain she has caused them.

My oldest asked me, "Daddy, does it get any easier?" I almost broke down and cried. I told her, "I sure hope so. It will get easier with time." 

One day at a time. One foot in front of the other. One bite of the elephant at a time. I know divorce is better for them than continuing a bull**** marriage with their cheating mother. But, somehow, that doesn't bring much solace when they are crying and begging me to not stay somewhere else on my 3 nights away. I explained to them that I will not be with their mother. We both worked out what we thought would be best for them. That is why we came up with the schedule we did. Oh well, the hardest part of the week is past. Only one night away, tonight, and then I get them for the whole weekend.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

HurtinginTN said:


> I agree with Shoo on the "never was" part. Out of 13 years, there were some good times. The three most precious people on the face of the earth were born out of that 13 year union.
> 
> Last night was very hard. It was my night with the kids. I enjoyed that part very much, until bedtime. My daughter cried and begged me for 10 minutes to come home tomorrow night. She said, "I'm not going to sleep until you and Mommy both sleep in this house." They gave all kinds of alternatives. I can live upstairs and she can live downstairs. They will not let us fight. They will be in the middle and refuse to leave if we start to argue. It's not fair to them to not have both parents every night.
> 
> ...


My kids are grown up and married; I suffer deeply and my pain is more than anything I have ever experienced! I CAN'T IMAGINE WHAT YOU AND OTHERS ON HERE WITH SMALL CHILDREN ARE GOING THROUGH, I JUST CAN'T.

I will pray tonight, for relief from sorrow for everyone on here, including the children caught up in this mess.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

"Part of loving your mom is doing what she wants me to, even if that is wanting me to be away from her".
Dont know if thats the best thing to say, but thats what I told my girl.
She asked me last night if I thought mommy would get used to me being gone. 
All I could say was that I didnt know. But then I told her I was going to give her a couple boxes to put some of her toys and things in that she wanted to keep over at my house, and she started rattling off what was going and what was staying. She seemed to gain that inclusive feeling I intended.

Although I am still at the old house, and there hasnt been any time away yet, I have a feeling I will see my kid a lot more than every other week. My wifes still busy reliving her teenage life again, so all the better.

I hope for the best for you HurtTN, I gotta believe it will get better and this is just the newness of the situation. Get the makings for homemade pizza for their next visit.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Shooboomafoo said:


> Although I am still at the old house, and there hasnt been any time away yet, I have a feeling I will see my kid a lot more than every other week. My wifes still busy reliving her teenage life again, so all the better.
> 
> Get the makings for homemade pizza for their next visit.



Yeah, I don't believe my wife is going to want them very often, either. It's hard to live that 16 year old lifestyle with 3 kids in tow.

Thanks for the suggestion on the homemade pizza. Maybe I'll do that this weekend. My daughter has also been wanting to bake a cake for a while. Maybe we can make both this weekend.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Just wanted to say I wish you well TN.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Thanks, Pidge. I hope you're doing well while he's away. JB's suggestions to you for his return sound good to me. You don't even need new candles, if pumpkin are his favorite. It sounds like he would be very pleasantly surprised.

How old was your daughter when she had her trouble? My 9 year old is the one that is the most upset. She was kind of hyperventilating at one point last night. She's taking this very hard. I can tell it's hard on the other two, but not as bad as her. It took me a while to get her settled down.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

He loves pumpkin...lol. Hopefully he will get home at a decent hour so we can spend some time together. He'll have been driving for 10hrs so I know he will be tired. 


My daughter was 10 at the time. I feel for you and your children but, in time you will all be okay. I know it doesn't seem like it now. Maybe you could find a child psychologist to help her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Yeah, I think I will look for a child psychologist for all of them. How about making him a pumpkin pie to go with the other desert?


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

guys, I relate to the kids. Our single child is 4, and I am amazed how much strength and composure he has through this. He's broken down only a couple times but he knows his home life has gone through big changes and faces it. Last night I started talking to him about us having to find someone to rent out the spare room to in order to pay the bills - it will be weird for him that someone new will be coming to "live with us" especially as I am planning to rent out the master room, which was "mommy's" room for the past couple years due to my medical problem keeping me in the spare bed (big regret). My W was pretty much like a room mate, though she did spend some time with him so maybe he's old enough to pick up the clues that the renter is not trying to replace mommy or something.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

I found and printed out the required divorce documents. I talked to a lady at the courthouse about the procedures. IF we complete these forms and both agree to EVERYTHING, we simply take them to the courthouse and sign them in front of a notary. Then, 91 days later, the Plaintiff has to go to court. The judge will sign the final decree and it becomes final in 30 days. So, about 4 months from time of filing. Now, I have to get agreement on everything. If not, it will take much longer and 20X or more the $ ($275 vs. $5,500). I plan to complete these and present them to her to look over on my day with the kids. Hopefully, we will come to an agreement pretty quickly. If not, plan B is always there.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

So, you are filing for divorce and not a legal separation? If so, I believe you are wise to do that. She's in the mindset now that she wants out and will be more likely to agree to your terms. Whatever you do, don't let her dictate to you the terms of the divorce. 

I know it is hard seeing your kids hurt, but TN, they will be fine. Kids are a lot more resilient than adults.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

karole said:


> So, you are filing for divorce and not a legal separation?


The paperwork, etc. are the same until the final filing. Right now, I am thinking divorce. I may do legal separation until the end of the year. Actually, I guess the divorce wouldn't be final until then, either. With divorce, she has to get off of my health insurance, increasing her costs, increasing my alimony (according to my legal advice). With legal separation, she can stay on it, with no extra cost to me whatsoever (family plan). I had forgotten about that tidbit until you asked. lol 

Divorce gives her 4 months until everything is final to get her own insurance anyway. Right now, I just want to be done with this nightmare.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

HurtinginTN said:


> Yeah, I think I will look for a child psychologist for all of them. How about making him a pumpkin pie to go with the other desert?


I could go for some pumpkin pie....mmmmm
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

I got out last night and had an absolute blast. I met my brother and drank some beer and played some pool. We had never been to this bar and were confused at first why there would be a cover charge to a near empty bar. Then we figured out it was free longnecks til 11:00. 

I did a good bit of two-stepping, cowboy cha-cha, and sweetheart schottische. I even tried a few of the line dances I'd never heard of before. It was a blast. It felt very good to get out there.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Glad to hear you got out for a bit. Hopefully you had a beer for me?


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Glad to hear you got out for a bit. Hopefully you had a beer for me?


Yep, one for you, me, Pidge, Shoo, Lon, Pit, the 1st dance partner, the 2nd, 3rd, and 4th dance partners, the cute girl that didn't know how to dance, and maybe a few others. :rofl:


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Awwww, thanks for having a beer for me! Pool player huh? I used to be in an 8 ball league.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

pidge70 said:


> Pool player huh? _Posted via Mobile Device_


Not a very good one. Let's just say my brother and I got our money's worth on each game.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

My SO is a pretty good pool player. Last time we went out though I beat him 4 games in a row....I was pretty excited....lol
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Well, I've written her a letter to give her at our transition tonight. I've enclosed a blank copy of the divorce documents. I've told her that we should both complete a copy on our own. Then we can sit down and try to iron out the differences. I outlined the procedures and asked for the forms to be completed by next weekend. 

I suspect there will be some large discrepancies between hers and mine, especially in the areas of alimony and child support. Those will be the hardest to iron out. I believe everything else will be easy.

My brother was telling me last night what his first wife thought when they were getting a divorce. She laid out for him what she thought he was going to be paying her each month for alimony, child support, etc. He laughed at her and asked if she realized that was about 3 times as much as he even brought home each month. They ended up with near equal custody of the children where there was no alimony or child support of any kind. In other words, I know there will be initial discrepancies, but I do have hope we will be able to iron them out ourselves.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Good luck. I have a feeling she is going to be less than amicable when it gets down to the money.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

There will most certainly be differences at first. However, I have reality on my side. The income is a finite thing. I can't bring in $100 per month and her to expect to get $80 of it, or $300 of it (as in my brother's case). Also, I will point out if she fights it, there will be thousands of dollars less to split anyway.

Actually, it doesn't really matter either way. I'd rather not make lawyers the financial winners of our marriage, but that isn't really a big deal in the big scheme of things. The marriage is over. I'll be single soon. The cost of getting there is pretty irrelevant. I just think it is prudent to give this route a shot first.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

I hope for your sake she decides to be realistic and reasonable.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

TN, hope it goes well for you tonight. I have been fortunate in dealing with my W so far, she honestly has made the physical process of divorcing very easy. We just negotiated the other day, and basically are pretty close to something workable. Of course it will be expensive for me, but I can realistically make it work - I don't personally see how she is going to make it though, at some point I think she'll have to give up on her business and take a wage paying job, which is too bad she is really good at what she does, probably overdelivers to her clients way too much... not my problem anymore (phew!)


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Are you using attorneys or trying the courthouse route?


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Im sorry dude. really.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> Im sorry dude. really.


Thanks, Pit. We can both look back and say we gave it more than most would have. I miss the kids like crazy, but I had already gone through a lot of the emotional work of detachment from her. That book you recommended has helped. I used the story about the dog in the "Telling the kids" section when we sat them down to tell them.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Sorry she crashed and burned on you Hurting. You sound like your doing well adjusting to the direction it's going. I wish you all the best in this journey.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

wow, H.I.T ... Your reality is scary to me as I am close to following in your footsteps.( we are discussing separation first) I just wonder, when do you know you have given it your all ? How long has this mess been going on for you ? 

~sammy


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

TN, I am very sorry that it didn't work out for you; however, you gave it 110%, but she wasn't willing to put forth her share. You deserve someone better than her. You will meet someone who will love you and your kids. I'm a firm believer that things happen for a reason and it all works out well in the end. You sound like a great guy and I know you won't have any trouble meeting someone new. I am also a firm believer that you get what's coming to you eventually too and she will get hers and regret losing you sometime down the road.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

HurtinginTN said:


> Are you using attorneys or trying the courthouse route?


sorry, missed this question the other day (in case it was directed at me). I am going through attorney - the courts have a kit, except it makes no provision for infidelity so that means waiting until next May until we can file. Also, we still have to go through attorneys to get the inter-spouse agreements done anyway (property, childcare agreement, spousal support etc).


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## calif_hope (Feb 25, 2011)

TN.....
Are the kids attending public school this Fall or is she going to still homeschool them? Does she realize she has to find a job, is she looking for one?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MrQuatto (Jul 7, 2010)

Hurt, I too am sorry to that it came to this but I am so HAPPY that you will finally be free of this nightmare.

I also understand where you are going but remember you DO have a good hand. Make sure the pot your winning is adequate for what YOU and the KIDS need, my man.

Keep your chin up brother, we are with you in this.

Q~


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

sammy3 said:


> wow, H.I.T ... Your reality is scary to me as I am close to following in your footsteps.( we are discussing separation first) I just wonder, when do you know you have given it your all ? How long has this mess been going on for you ?
> 
> ~sammy


I certainly hope you don't follow in my footsteps. It has been a long, painful road. Only you will know when you have given it your all. I guess that is different for each person. There are many things I could have done differently, but I don't think the outcome would have been different. It just would have come sooner. My suggestion is if your spouse wants out, let them go. That "let them go" thread is dead on, in my opinion. It is impossible to compete with fantasy. Affairs are totally fantasy. Perhaps if I had forced the fantasy into reality from the very start, it would have all been over long ago. 

It's been around 13 or 14 months or so altogether. For several months, it was just playing a game online (Spadester) with him practically every night. In February, it escalated into phone calls. About a month ago, it went into a trip to be with him for 2 weeks.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Hey Hurt,

I was away from the computer for a few days. Before I left I had been checking your old thread for new action as I feel for you and wondered how her 'want the marriage' was lasting. 

I am sincerely sorry it didn't work out for you. You gave her a great deal more chances to do the right thing than most people would. For that you can hold your head high. 

I haven't seen any answers from you regarding your kids schooling for the fall. I hope they are going to public school as their test scores showed that home schooling wasn't working for them. Also, your ex will need to be working.

Be firm in dealing with the separation/divorce. You owe it to your children to do what is best for them. What is best for them is for you to be with them the majority of the time and for you to have the resources to look after them. You know that your wife hasn't been and won't be as committed to them as you have been and will be.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

woman needs to get a job, i have started my third week soldering on teeny tiny circuit boards, after doing daycare and staying home for 6 years, she needs to et her arse out there and hit the pavement!!!
me and h will be filing soon, as soon as our bankruptcy is through, and i am eligible for insurance thru the new job. 
i wish your w wasnt such a money grubby fool. i will not take alimony from my stbx, just fair support for my children, am in process of securing apt for me and the kiddies. 
i told you the other day you really need to put the kiddies in public school, but they are your kids not mine, lol. you do what you think is best, you know i got your back.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

They are being home schooled with several strict stipulations. The calendars (time invested) are to be kept up and inspected on my nights at home. All work done is to be kept for my review. They will be tested periodically on standardized tests. If the calendars get behind or the testing does not show significant improvement each time, they go straight to school. 

Those changes have been consistent. She is doing the actual work for the home school. She is cooking and cleaning the house. (Just like a good woman oughtta! J/K ladies!) I do believe in home-schooling for several reasons. If I didn't, they wouldn't have been for the past few years. It certainly has its benefits IF it is done correctly. As long as that is maintained, I am fine with it. I also intend to take some of my time on the weekends to work on it as well. She has made many positive changes. I was very pleasantly surprised at the amount and quality of work she got done last week. I think we are both better people apart than we were together. There is a song something like that. One of the lines says something like, "We're like fire and gasoline." 

I believe we can become good friends and work together for our children. Without the pressure of the relationship, we actually are able to get along well. I'm pleasantly surprised at that also. We aren't just dating and can go our separate ways for life. We have 3 young children so we are tied together for life. We might as well make that a cordial relationship. I don't think either one of us has any inclination of reconciliation any time soon, but it is nice to get along. I do believe we can work out the terms of the divorce amicably and continue to get along and become effective co-parents. Hell, that is basically what we have been for years. Soon, we will both be free to pursue other romantic interests and still be co-parents.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

HurtinginTN said:


> They are being home schooled with several strict stipulations. The calendars (time invested) are to be kept up and inspected on my nights at home. All work done is to be kept for my review. They will be tested periodically on standardized tests. If the calendars get behind or the testing does not show significant improvement each time, they go straight to school.
> 
> Those changes have been consistent. She is doing the actual work for the home school. She is cooking and cleaning the house. (Just like a good woman oughtta! J/K ladies!) I do believe in home-schooling for several reasons. If I didn't, they wouldn't have been for the past few years. It certainly has its benefits IF it is done correctly. As long as that is maintained, I am fine with it. I also intend to take some of my time on the weekends to work on it as well. She has made many positive changes. I was very pleasantly surprised at the amount and quality of work she got done last week. I think we are both better people apart than we were together. There is a song something like that. One of the lines says something like, "We're like fire and gasoline."
> 
> I believe we can become good friends and work together for our children. Without the pressure of the relationship, we actually are able to get along well. I'm pleasantly surprised at that also. We aren't just dating and can go our separate ways for life. We have 3 young children so we are tied together for life. We might as well make that a cordial relationship. I don't think either one of us has any inclination of reconciliation any time soon, but it is nice to get along. I do believe we can work out the terms of the divorce amicably and continue to get along and become effective co-parents. Hell, that is basically what we have been for years. Soon, we will both be free to pursue other romantic interests and still be co-parents.


I will pray it is so for you. In theory, this all sounds great. But in reality, you have to be prepared for some ill feelings if you see the other together with another person/new relationship; you will probably be tried at that time. If you are prepared for that, you have a better chance of dealing with it - don't let it sneak up on you; it will make you feel odd. Just my .02 cents worth.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

My prediction .....

The home schooling will work until:

1) You two get back together and she goes back to her old ways

or

2) She realizes that she isn't winning you back and so she goes back to her old ways.

Either outcome will not be good and your children will suffer.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

I fully expected to be enrolling them in school yesterday. She did keep it up very well for the first week. They are getting what they need at the moment. As soon as that is lacking, they will be enrolled in school. She surprised me with last week. Maybe she will surprise me and keep it up. Either way, my kids will get what they need. IF she is able to give it to them, good. If not, they will still get what they need.

She asked me something this weekend. I don't know what it was. She told me I didn't have to do something I was doing. I said I know. What could she possibly do if I didn't do what she wanted? Go have an affair? She already has. Get a divorce? The papers are on the desk. There are no bargaining chips on her end. Is she going to cut me off sexually? There is none anyway. lol. There is nothing for her to bargain with. I will do what I think is in the best interest of my children. I will give her a chance to redeem herself for her failure on the home-schooling the past year or so. As long as she is truly working on it and being effective. Remember, I am not only looking at the time spent, but the quality of their work as well.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

I think the writing is on the wall in regards to home schooling. It isn't going to work. When you find out, the school year will be a month or two in and it will be difficult for them to start after the year is underway.

I think you know her 'truly working on it' isn't going to last.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

brighterlight said:


> But in reality, you have to be prepared for some ill feelings if you see the other together with another person/new relationship; you will probably be tried at that time. If you are prepared for that, you have a better chance of dealing with it - don't let it sneak up on you; it will make you feel odd. Just my .02 cents worth.


I agree. That will be difficult. Especially if I ever meet this man from Denver. I am working on that. The thing is, there is nothing for us as a marriage. We will always be the kids' mother and father. So we are forced into a relationship of some sort for life. I have to prepare for that. She should prepare to see me happy with another woman some day as well. I am not foolish enough to believe it will be all rosy. But I will make it the best that I can.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

HurtinginTN said:


> She asked me something this weekend. I don't know what it was. She told me I didn't have to do something I was doing. I said I know. What could she possibly do if I didn't do what she wanted? Go have an affair? She already has. Get a divorce? The papers are on the desk. There are no bargaining chips on her end. Is she going to cut me off sexually? There is none anyway. lol. There is nothing for her to bargain with...


Shoulda told her that you never HAD to do anything to begin with, that you did it because of your love for her and your kids and family.

What is it about the waywards that gives them the right to think you are doing things because you HAVE to, or they are making you. Do they not understand the concept of commitment?


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

brighterlight said:


> Shoulda told her that you never HAD to do anything to begin with, that you did it because of your love for her and your kids and family.


Yeah, that would have been better.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

I assume that since she has decided to continue to homeschool your children, she cannot get a job and support herself? I guess that was a no-brainer on her end.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

When you divorce (you said you were working on it) how is she going to be able to afford her own accommodations if she is home schooling and not working?


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

karole said:


> I assume that since she has decided to continue to homeschool your children, she cannot get a job and support herself? I guess that was a no-brainer on her end.


She still needs to get a job. There isn't sufficient funding available for 2 households. That may have been some of her motivation, even though it was never spoken. However, that wasn't the choice - a job or homeschool the kids. Of course, that would be a no-brainer. She is convinced she can do both. We'll see how long that lasts. As I said, I didn't expect it to last a week. We'll see. I'm not too worried about it either way. At all, actually. The kids are getting what they need for the moment, I am getting what I need at the moment. One day at a time. 

She may think she is manipulating the situation, but I don't think so. She has fooled me before, of course, but now my eyes are wide open. I hold all the cards. For now, she has plenty of rope. I doubt it will be long before she tests it to see just how long it is. It is shorter than she thinks, so I hope for her sake she isn't running when she hits the end of it. (You have seen a dog on a slightly shorter chain, rope, etc. than he is used to, right?) Her rope is much shorter than she is used to.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

So she wasn't capable of homing schooling the kids before, and now she will be both holding a job and home schooling the kids. 

Who is watching the kids while she is working?

Enroll the kids in public school now so they get the full year there. That is what is best for them in your circumstance. There is no possible way that she will keep up with the home schooling, if she is expected to hold a job as well.

You said you would be doing some home schooling of the kids yourself. I see you doing most of it.

She has it great right now. She is still contacting the OM. She has a few nights away each week with her sister. She home schools when she wants to. You are working and paying for everything and helping with the home schooling.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Hope all is well for you!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

It's Wednesday! That means I get to see my kids in a few hours. That's always good.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Kids are great! My 2yr old's laugh can make a crap day absolutely wonderful!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

SadSamIAm said:


> So she wasn't capable of homing schooling the kids before, and now she will be both holding a job and home schooling the kids.


She has always been "capable", just not willing to put in the effort for the past year. Her priorities were elsewhere.



SadSamIAm said:


> Who is watching the kids while she is working?


Me. She can work weekends while I have the kids.



SadSamIAm said:


> Enroll the kids in public school now so they get the full year there. That is what is best for them in your circumstance. There is no possible way that she will keep up with the home schooling, if she is expected to hold a job as well.
> 
> You said you would be doing some home schooling of the kids yourself. I see you doing most of it.


Anything is possible. I agree it isn't likely, but I have decided to give her a shot on the school note. As long as it keeps up like it has been, it is good. Like she told me this weekend, she is a stronger person without me being there. She has been too dependent on me for too many years. Without me to be there for her to depend on, she has to step up to the plate. She has. 

I will be working with them some on the weekends. I would do that whether they were being home-schooled or in public school. My work on the weekends does not substitute for or make up for any work that she needs to complete through the week.



SadSamIAm said:


> She has it great right now. She is still contacting the OM. She has a few nights away each week with her sister. She home schools when she wants to. You are working and paying for everything and helping with the home schooling.


I also get a few nights per week alone. She has a schedule for home school instead of doing it "when she wants to." The reality of it is that I will end up paying some alimony, at least for a while. BOTH of us will suffer a decreased standard of living when the divorce is final. The money doesn't bother me. The one thing she doesn't have is me. Regardless of what she thinks and has acted like, I am beginning to see I'm not that bad of a catch. So, if she thinks that is "great", fine with me. Someday, I suspect she will not think so.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

HurtinginTN said:


> Regardless of what she thinks and has acted like, I am beginning to see I'm not that bad of a catch. So, if she thinks that is "great", fine with me. Someday, I suspect she will not think so.


Now you are dead on! Awesome! I am also thinking, with my situation, that when the green grass starts to show chinch bug rot, she will be thinking about the 36 years of REAL support and love that she tossed aside. The way I see it, like you, is that my next SO, if there were to be one, will be wondering what could be wrong with me, since she will be hard pressed to believe someone would let me go. I know, sounds very conceited but hey, I have done nothing but commit to my marriage for a VERY VERY long time - it is in my nature to be faithful and loving, therefore, I am easily subjected to hurt. It's a weakness and a strength. But yeah, keep your confidence up.


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

Like others, Hurting, I'm sorry you had to go through all this, but glad that the end is on the horizon. One question, though:



> Me. She can work weekends while I have the kids


Does she really expect to support herself and partially support the kids on a weekend job's pay?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Grayson said:


> Does she really expect to support herself and partially support the kids on a weekend job's pay?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



She has no concept of money. She's always gotten what she wanted. If we didn't have the money, I robbed Peter to pay Paul. And went into debt. That is changing. I just worked on a budget today for our new arrangement. She called to ask me to bring home cat food when we have our changeover tonight. I told her the cable and internet must go. She balked, but I pointed out there is only so much coming in. I will give her a copy of the budget tonight. If she sees some extra money in there magically, please let me know. 

I am a controller for a hospital. I do the budget for millions of dollars with very many different types of expenses. There is no wiggle room in that budget I created. My fault of our financial situation is not one of knowledge. It is one of fortitude. I tried to make her happy all these years by giving her what she wanted when she wanted it. See where that got me? 

Yeah, reality is going to hit her hard since I have shielded her from it all these years. She will see it soon enough. No amount of reasoning helped on the affair. No amount of reasoning will open her eyes to other realities either. It's going to take her falling, unfortunately.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

brighterlight said:


> I know, sounds very conceited but hey, I have done nothing but commit to my marriage for a VERY VERY long time - it is in my nature to be faithful and loving, therefore, I am easily subjected to hurt. It's a weakness and a strength. But yeah, keep your confidence up.


I don't think that sounds conceited. Nobody is perfect. But I know I am better than OM in every way I can think of. She has said I'm better looking. I make more money. I spend time with my kids as opposed to him who never sees his. I can give her an orgasm, regardless of her medication. (That one was a little comfort in that he never did. lol) Sure, I have my problems like everyone else. I don't, however, think it is conceited to look at your good qualities. Especially after having the total ego atomic bomb of your spouse having an affair.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

HurtinginTN said:


> I don't think that sounds conceited. Nobody is perfect. But I know I am better than OM in every way I can think of. She has said I'm better looking. I make more money. I spend time with my kids as opposed to him who never sees his. I can give her an orgasm, regardless of her medication. (That one was a little comfort in that he never did. lol) Sure, I have my problems like everyone else. I don't, however, think it is conceited to look at your good qualities. Especially after having the total ego atomic bomb of your spouse having an affair.


Right on! It's a wonder to me that they are willing to give up a trustworthy and loving person in order to fulfill this temporary fantasy affair. I mean, they have to know that at some point, the fantasy will end. At some point, when YOU are out of the picture, she will have to resume her real life. She will have to eventually deal with bills, kids, work, health, car maintenance, house maintenance, cleaning, cooking, washing, OM, etc., etc. So what then? Will she move on the next fantasy.

Between, Hollywood, Oprah, aha moments, Harlequin Romance novels, Twilight novels, and Fabio, we are f*&cked I tell ya. We can't compete with that. :rofl:


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

I don't understand why you are allowing this 'home schooling' thing to go on. 

You know that she can't make enough money working weekends to support herself. So, you know that your current plan of her home schooling isn't going to work.

So why not tell her she has to get a full time job and the kids have to go to public school?

The only reason I can think you aren't doing this is because you aren't planning on divorcing her.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

SadSamIAm said:


> I don't understand why you are allowing this 'home schooling' thing to go on.



I can understand what you are saying. When we had our long discussion working out the terms of the separation, I said they are going to school. I outlined the reasons. She said she will get very nasty and fight me every step of the way if I enroll them. She would at this point. We discussed this for a good while. I laid out what is necessary for me to consider allowing it. So far, she has met all of those requirements. As long as they continue to be met, I will allow it.

It wasn't so much as choosing the type of school they receive. It was a choice on what would be best for the kids. Right now, they are dealing with us not being together. I may be wrong, I certainly have been wrong on many things in the past. However, I believe the ugly drama that would be created at this particular point in time by enrolling them would be worse on them than whatever they may miss knowledge wise. 

By allowing her the chance to do it right, she is having to put her money where her mouth is. She says it is important to her. She must show that by her actions of doing it properly. So far, she has done a great job. Last night when I got home, the kids all showed me their stacks of school stuff and we went through it. They are excited about what they are learning. They are proud of the fact they are working on it like they should be. They are eager to learn more. I was never like that when I was in school. There certainly are advantages to home-school which I agree with.

Also, the house was clean. I had clean clothes. She is doing much more than she has in a very long time. As far as the marriage goes, I don't see any possible chance of reconciliation. She asked me what time I needed her to be back. I told her. That was about the extent of our conversation. I don't have any inclination of reconciliation. 

I know the home-schooling is against the grain for most of you. I know most of you think they should be enrolled and she should be working full-time, etc. That is most likely what will happen at some point in the future. For now, though, I stand by my decision to keep them in home school as long as my conditions are met.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

I have nothing against home-schooling. If the parent is committed and a good teacher and the family can afford it, then great.

I am just saying in your circumstance, it can't work. You can't afford two homes with your ex working only on weekends.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

SadSamIAm said:


> I am just saying in your circumstance, it can't work. You can't afford two homes with your ex working only on weekends.


I know. We can't afford two homes anyway until this one sells. With this current market, that may take a while, unfortunately. There are 5 houses for sale within a stone's throw of mine right now. She hasn't worked outside the home in 14 years. She isn't going to be able to just step into a lucrative position. Again, with the job market like it is, there isn't too much available. I was looking for over a year when I found this job. Those changes will come with time. For the moment, what we have is working. As we move toward selling everything, including the house, we will look at all of the other options. I agree with you that home school will not work once the divorce is final, the house is sold, and we have two separate homes. Those things are several months down the road, so I am content to let her homeschool for the time being as long as she continues her current path.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

It took you one year to find your current job. When is she going to start looking for work? 

How long is her sister going to let her stay with her 4 nights a week? How about your parents?

Seems to me, you need to start a plan that is going to work into the future. She might not get a great job, but she may make enough for the two of you to share an apartment until the house sells.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

SadSamIAm said:


> Seems to me, you need to start a plan that is going to work into the future. She might not get a great job, but she may make enough for the two of you to share an apartment until the house sells.


Good idea. The current plan certainly isn't long term on the staying with family part.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Good idea, but your wife isn't going to like it. 

She is cake eating. She is in her house all day, not having to work, home schooling kids when she wants, contacting OM when she wants, while you are paying for food, housing, etc.

Her having to get a job, will be a reality check for her. 

Another thing you should do is take control of all finances. Close all joint bank accounts/credit cards. Give her what you believe she will get in the divorce settlement in regards to alimony/child support. Make sure you adjust the amount for the things you are currently sharing that she will have to cover on her own when the divorce is final (food, utilities, housing, etc.).

This will be another dose of reality for her.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

SadSamIAm, great advice, but I don't believe TN will ever do that. Tn's wife is a cake-eating pro.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

SadSamIAm said:


> Good idea, but your wife isn't going to like it.
> 
> Another thing you should do is take control of all finances. Close all joint bank accounts/credit cards. Give her what you believe she will get in the divorce settlement in regards to alimony/child support. Make sure you adjust the amount for the things you are currently sharing that she will have to cover on her own when the divorce is final (food, utilities, housing, etc.).
> 
> This will be another dose of reality for her.


I don't care about what she likes or don't like. This "let's be friends" crap ain't working out too well. I called to talk to the kids last night. They were outside and I screwed up and got into a conversation with her. It quickly deteriorated into a fight. I can't seem to get over the anger. I'm done with her and know I should be mature about it and just let it go. Treat her as I would a co-worker, as JB always tells folks. Keep all conversations strictly about the kids and the divorce paper details. 

I'm sooooo ready to just move on. I went out and had a good time last night. I know I will be fine eventually. I just don't understand why I still let her bother me so much. 

There are no joint bank accounts or credit cards. I have worked up a budget and gave her a copy Wednesday night. She will get some cash each paycheck for groceries, medical, music lessons for the kids, etc. The cable and internet are gone, which she doesn't like one bit. She says I'm doing that because I'm "vindictive". I said, no, it's there in black and white. There are more important things that money needs to go for besides your affair. "But we all use the internet." Oh well, I hate it for the kids sake, like all of this sh*t, but I'm doing what I think I should do from now on. I don't give a rat's a$$ what she thinks.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

I know you have your reasons for the home schooling but, since the job market is so bad she could be spending time looking for a job while the kids are in school. She needs a HUGE dose of reality to smack her hard in the face. 

I know it's hard to not let her get to you. Everytime she does, she wins. 

Of course she sees you as being vindictive. I don't think she truly gets what she has done to you and your children. Maybe she does and is just truly that self centered. 

Her threat to fight you on the schooling issue is most likely due to the fact that she doesn't want to get off her @ss and be accountable. You have done too much for her and she ran the show. 

I am so sorry about the way things are going.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

I think you need to move forward with the divorce. Earlier in the thread you were talking about agreeing on everything, and proceeding with an 'uncontested' divorce.

How is this going? My guess is there has been no discussion because she is content with having everything the way it is (Home, Affair, time alone, no work, etc.).

I think it is time to get an agreement, get a lawyer and file.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

SadSamIAm said:


> I think you need to move forward with the divorce. Earlier in the thread you were talking about agreeing on everything, and proceeding with an 'uncontested' divorce.
> 
> How is this going? My guess is there has been no discussion because she is content with having everything the way it is (Home, Affair, time alone, no work, etc.).
> 
> I think it is time to get an agreement, get a lawyer and file.



I agree. She has not completed her copy. She wants to give the separation some time before filing for divorce "to give the kids a transition time". I told her it takes 4 months for the divorce to be final. That is plenty of "transition time." It's been a week since I gave her the papers. We either need to come to an agreement soon or I will have to go to a lawyer.

Her counsellor told her yesterday that her idea of staying separated a while before filing for divorce to give the kids a "transition period" was a good idea. "A professional said it was a good idea. If you really cared about the kids, you wouldn't push the divorce without giving them time to adjust to us being apart." Yep, she knows my buttons and just how to push them. 

Our kids are playing at a winery tonight. We'll have to put on our cordial faces in front of the kids. I'm going for sure. She said she is planning on it. She may change her mind, but we probably will be going together. Woo Hoo! Maybe she'll change her mind.

I told her again last night we just need to get it over with and file the papers. She is still communicating with OM after all of this. Therefore, there is no chance of reconciliation. We might as well just be done with it so we can both move on with our lives.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

HurtinginTN said:


> ...She is still communicating with OM after all of this. Therefore, there is no chance of reconciliation. We might as well just be done with it so we can both move on with our lives.


Soon the OM will tire of her too once he has had his fun and then Karma will strike her. Respect the karma gods; they can be ruthless!


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

You need to give her a deadline regarding the divorce. Come to an agreement on the divorce IN 10 DAYS, or you are going to a lawyer. If you don't put in a timeline, she will drag it on forever.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

SadSamIAm said:


> You need to give her a deadline regarding the divorce. Come to an agreement on the divorce IN 10 DAYS, or you are going to a lawyer. If you don't put in a timeline, she will drag it on forever.


That's what I've been mulling over today, the time frame. 10 days will be too short for a final agreement, but probably not for a rough draft. I suspect it will take a month or so to get everything ironed out, but I don't want to wait that long to get the ball rolling.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

brighterlight said:


> Soon the OM will tire of her too once he has had his fun and then Karma will strike her. Respect the karma gods; they can be ruthless!



That was a part of what I said last night in our argument. She said, "Well he doesn't yell at me." I said, "Well, we'll see just what he does when you do to him what you've done to me." It will only be a matter of time. 

At one point, we were fussing about money. She didn't like the budget I had worked up, especially the cutting the internet part. "You are always so consumed with money." Well, so that is why we have such a big house full of stuff all bought to try to make her happy and the debt to go with it. Because I've been such a miser. "He makes 10 times as much money as you do." Oh, that's when I really lost it. That's why he has a roommate and didn't send you money to come out to visit him months ago. Or come here himself. Mr. Moneybags? I don't think so. If so, I should have been a transmission mechanic instead of an accountant. I know I shouldn't have, but I was highly pissed off. I said, "Well, if he makes 10 times as much as I do, tell him to send me a check for 2 grand to reimburse me for the 2 week trip with his little wh*re." I know I shouldn't let her push my buttons. I'm working on that.

Yes, if they end up together, it won't last long. Either he will tire of her crap or she will be cheating on him before long or both. I know that's how it will end up, but it's not too much comfort at this point in time.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Plain and simple, he is using her as a piece of @ss. She doesn't mean anything to him or he would have either came to her or helped finance her trip. Of course he is saying sweet things to her, he has nothing invested in her. Geez, I wish he still played spades. Maybe I could eff with him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

HurtinginTN said:


> "He makes 10 times as much money as you do...


Wow, did she forget who is the father of her children! I wonder if she has ever stopped to think to herself; who would be the one that would be there for me if I were to get seriously ill or when I age and I start to look old? Him? Ummmm, doubt it. I don't wish illness on anyone but some things that happen in life are out of our control. Better think long and hard of what it is we are throwing away and what it's real value is because 10 times your salery won't be with her when she is no longer a convenient piece of a$$. 

Like I said, Karma is a b**tch!


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## RunningOnEmpty (Aug 29, 2010)

HurtinginTN, how are your kids taking all the changes?

How is the keeping the kids in the house, with you and your W in and out working?

I know you are doing this as a temporary measure, but I am considering doing this once my W and separate, at least initially to reduce the impact on the kids. On the other hand, I don't know if it will simply extend the confusing time for them, and doing something more clear cut could be beneficial.


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

HurtinginTN said:


> Yes, if they end up together, it won't last long.


You are right about that I'll wager. After a few months it won't be a fairytale anymore, it will be reality. Then she will look for the next fantasy. Hang in there man. The $2000 reimbursement comment sounds so much like something I would have said.


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

Have the courts ever agreed to a higher alimony or child support payment based on both parents agreeing to homeschool the children? It's a long stretch, but for that reason alone I'd put the children in school. You can show that she failed as a homeschooling parent. By giving her another chance you may be setting yourself up. Stop letting her call the shots. 

I know a lot of people don't see it, but it is possible to be a single parent who only works weekends. I handle the budget in this house and planned to work only weekends when I was leaning toward divorce. It's not hard to rack up 40 hours a weekend in the healthcare field and you're often paid more because it's hard to gain reliable staff on Saturday and Sunday.

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

HurtinginTN said:


> I know. We can't afford two homes anyway until this one sells.


*You *don't need to be able to afford two homes.

*You *need to be able to afford one. Which, since you've been the sole wage-earner for 14 years, it would appear that you can. In fact, since you've been providing the funds for it for that time, you can afford the home you're in now.

*She *needs to be able to afford one, as well...on her own resources.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

RunningOnEmpty said:


> HurtinginTN, how are your kids taking all the changes?
> 
> How is the keeping the kids in the house, with you and your W in and out working?
> 
> I know you are doing this as a temporary measure, but I am considering doing this once my W and separate, at least initially to reduce the impact on the kids. On the other hand, I don't know if it will simply extend the confusing time for them, and doing something more clear cut could be beneficial.


The kids are adjusting very well. Of course, they don't like it at all. They would much prefer to have us both there each night. My 9 year old was having the hardest time. She told me yesterday that she is getting used to this separation schedule. 

Some of the transitions have been a little rough, but for the most part, we don't even talk at the change over. I'll come in, she'll tell the kids goodbye, and go. I think the consistency of being in their own beds, having thier pets around, etc. helps. 

I sometime wonder about something more clear cut as well. However, I do believe this schedule provides a bit of a buffer and transition for them. Kind of a weaning process, I suppose.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

brighterlight said:


> Better think long and hard of what it is we are throwing away and what it's real value is because 10 times your salery won't be with her when she is no longer a convenient piece of a$$.


He doesn't make nearly what I make, much less 10 times as much. IF he owned the shop he works at, maybe. He is a floor mechanic and apparently not a very good one from the way my van still runs after he worked on it. She just said that to push my buttons. It worked.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I'm so glad the kids are adapting to being abandoned by their mom. You've been a great father being there to pick up the pieces and making their lives as good as possible.

I do want to warn you that it sounds like you may be slipping back into your old pattern of letting her eat cake. She's got her kids, she's got the home to raise them in, she's got you paying the bills, and now she's got the full freedom she wants with the OM.

Step back and take a look at what you're doing - are is it going the direction you'll be ok living with in the end? Are you ok continuing to finance her selfish lifestyle?

If it were me in your shoes the kids would be living as close to king hood I could afford, while the cheating wife would be signing divorce papers and having to deal with the reality of her abandoning the family.

Yes she is the mother of your kids - but once she ran off to the OM - she stopped being your responsibility to care about.


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## RunningOnEmpty (Aug 29, 2010)

Glad to hear the kids are doing well. That's my main concern in this whole situation. Thanks for sharing.




HurtinginTN said:


> The kids are adjusting very well. Of course, they don't like it at all. They would much prefer to have us both there each night. My 9 year old was having the hardest time. She told me yesterday that she is getting used to this separation schedule.
> 
> Some of the transitions have been a little rough, but for the most part, we don't even talk at the change over. I'll come in, she'll tell the kids goodbye, and go. I think the consistency of being in their own beds, having thier pets around, etc. helps.
> 
> I sometime wonder about something more clear cut as well. However, I do believe this schedule provides a bit of a buffer and transition for them. Kind of a weaning process, I suppose.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

I'm too damn old for the honky tonks. Or more precisely, too old for the day after the honky tonk. lol


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

HurtinginTN said:


> I'm too damn old for the honky tonks. Or more precisely, too old for the day after the honky tonk. lol


yeah man, waking up the next morning laying on the backyward lawn is really starting to give me a back ache. That never use to happen. Maybe my avatar tells a story; I dunno. :rofl:


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

lol. I did a good bit of dancing last night, but thankfully that wasn't one of the moves I tried.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Man, I feel good today. My mind is clearer than it has been in a very long time. It feels pretty amazing. This must finally be one of those days some posters talk about. There is no real reason for it, but I feel great. Can I really expect days like this to become more frequent? That is extremely encouraging, just thinking about it.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

Glad to hear you are doing well TN. I've been wondering how things were with you.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

I'm doing better each day. Well, it is still a roller-coaster, but the lows don't go quits so low. Today has been a great high. I've probably got more done today than I have in any of the past many weeks. I have been cleaning up my office. It is looking pretty good. I just came across a poem I had written to my wife. I didn't date it, so I don't know exactly when I wrote it. I believe it was back in the playing with him for hours, we're just friends, it's just a computer game, you're just jealous, etc. stage. It was obviously early on when I actually believed that crap.

I am color blind, so I used some of the things that entails. I also worked several of the places we have been into it. I thought it was pretty good. I know I put a lot of thought and work into it. I found it on the computer. Here it is:

It certainly bothers me not
That I can’t read the numbers of dot.
Tis a small annoyance that sometimes at night, 
I can’t tell the color of an approaching traffic light.
A beautiful rainbow would have even more grandeur
If I could see all of the subtle changes of color, I am sure.
I certainly enjoy the gorgeous hues
That each night grace the western views.
As the maples, oaks, and ash change in the fall,
I wish I could see as well as you all.
Of all this beauty that I see, 
I often wonder if it is even more so to thee.
If I could choose to see only one of God’s beautiful creations in its full hue,
I would choose to gaze upon you.
Even with my handicapped view,
Your eyes are more stunning than a sunset in Malibu.
A sunrise from Myrtle Beach
Does not compare to the eyes of my beautiful peach.
God’s sign that defies a future deluge of rain
Can not compare to the windows to my love’s brain.
Gatlinburg in mid-October has a lovely view, 
But nowhere near as lovely as you.

Damn! It was a good day. Now I'm crying again. Damn rollercoasters.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Man, don't beat yourself up by going back and reliving the past. Finding the poem is the same as finding the old wedding album. These things will probably continue to creep up but if you take them to heart you will not allow yourself to move on. Decide, to either try to see if she will work on reconciling or move on. If you move on, then move on. Re reading the poem over and over again is taking three steps back. If you decide to move on, then take three steps forward and when you run across something like this, accept it but don't dwell on it, it'll be just one step back to your three steps forward. But if you find something like this and try to hang on the past it reminds you of, and you keep re-reading it, you might find yourself taking too many steps back.

You will probably run across other stuff like this that will remind you of her. It is OK to grieve it, just don't let it consume more than a little bit of your time. Just my .02 cents worth.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

Tn, lots of familiar places in your poem. I live close to Chattanooga, TN, so probably not far from you. 

How are your girls adjusting? Still homeschooling? Has your wife found a job? Have you filed for divorce yet? Give us an update when you have the time.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

karole said:


> Tn, lots of familiar places in your poem. I live close to Chattanooga, TN, so probably not far from you.
> 
> How are your girls adjusting? Still homeschooling? Has your wife found a job? Have you filed for divorce yet? Give us an update when you have the time.



Chattanooga is about 3 hours away from me. I have a sister-in-law that lives in Cleveland. 

The kids are doing pretty well. On the surface, it looks to everyone that they are doing great. Reading that book, I see a little deeper. My son, 8, is having the hardest time. He had wrapped a present for me last night when I got home. He had made several things - a stuffed smallmouth bass(he caught his first fish last weekend. He sewed some rags together, colored them, and stuffed it like a pillow), a very cool picture with a note saying how much he missed me, etc. When I'm home, he sleeps with me. When my stbxw is home, he sleeps in his own bed. My girls are going away for Labor Day weekend with one of their friends. I told him we'll have a boy weekend and do something fun.

She is still meeting the requirements we laid out on the homeschooling. It was never a question on whether she could, it was always a question on whether she would. She has been doing a great job and I've told her so. 

She has not found a job. I have been using the van on the weekends taking the kids to the river, etc. I guess that probably isn't fair, but my take is that she spent a car on her trip. 

The divorce papers are still sitting on the desk. I'm not pushing it at this point. For now, I am content with the way things are. Not really, I would rather have a loving marriage. That isn't going to happen anytime soon. This time apart has helped me to see a lot of things, though. I am growing as a person.

The first week or two, I was hitting the bar every night I was off. This week, I have taken that time to chill out, read the book on helping the kids, do some work at my dad's farm, etc. I even rode the motorcycle to work today for the first time.:smthumbup:

My mind seems to be clearing up these past few days. I'm becoming more at peace with being alone. I am starting to see that I need to be comfortable with myself before I can truly be comfortable with someone else. I'm not going to be ready for a relationship anytime soon, so I don't see a rush on the divorce. I have a good deal of time with the kids. I have some free nights to do what I want. I thought yesterday that hunting season is coming up. I haven't hunted much in years, because I've always had so many responsibilities. Now, I have a few nights a week just to myself. I believe I'll start hunting again.

It's kind of weird for me to think about what I like and what I want to do for me. There are so many options out there. Would I rather spend my time, energy, money, etc. on a woman that loves me and is equally committed to spending the rest of our lives together? You bet. Is my wife there? No way. Will she ever be there? I doubt it. Will I meet a woman who does meet that description? Yes, when I am ready. For now, I am working on myself. Not for anyone else, but for me. Is that selfish? Maybe, maybe not. This isn't where I ever wanted to be. But I am learning to make lemonade.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

My husband is a hunter too, but like you he hasn't made the time to hunt the past few years, but he recently got into a new club, so maybe he will go more this year. Hunting would be a great activity to do with your son, or daughters for that matter. My husband took our daughter a couple of times, but she didn't like getting up before dawn and sitting in the cold very much! Best of luck to you TN, you are correct, there is a good woman out there for you and you deserve her!


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

HurtinginTN said:


> For now, I am working on myself. Not for anyone else, but for me. Is that selfish? Maybe, maybe not. This isn't where I ever wanted to be. But I am learning to make lemonade.


:smthumbup: Good for you! I love this!!

My stbexH got served court papers today - I fell apart but picked myself back up (with some friends help of course) and I plan to do just what you are....

It's time for me.....to make lemonade


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Another tough day today. She wants the van for the weekend to "go out of town." Yes, I do know what that means. 

The single vehicle situation is almost fixed. Next week, we will have a second vehicle. That will allow me to not see her all weekend. The sharing the vehicle on the weekend has made for a lot of contact. For this weekend, I have a temporary vehicle lined up. Not a rental, just borrowed.

My brother called me last night. He is a truck driver and is in Arizona. His wife wants to go dancing Saturday night with her friend and her husband. He asked me if I could get a babysitter and go dancing with her. I am considering it. Trust me, it would only be dancing, nothing at all inappropriate with her. I was talking to her and the friend she will be going with while watching their kids practice football a few weeks ago. I told them with all those kids on the field, where is the single mom section. They laughed and said they didn't know. I'm thinking this dancing invitation may have more than meets the eye. Nothing at all with my sister-in-law or her married friend, but maybe them trying to hook me up with someone else. 

I'll play that by ear and see how my day of fishing with the kids goes tomorrow.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

TN why would you accommodate her vehicle needs In any way?

Let her figure out her own transport. You still seem to being nice and reasonable with her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> TN why would you accommodate her vehicle needs In any way?


That was part of our agreement. The kids keep the house. Whoever is with the kids stays at the house. Whoever isn't gets the vehicle. That will be solved soon. We will have two next week. For this weekend, we have two vehicles. 

She has brought the vehicle back on the past weekends so I could take the kids to the river, etc. By our agreement, she didn't have to do that. Her saying she needs the van for the weekend is simply asserting the original agreement we made. I just don't like what she will be using it for. But, that is her prerogative at this point, I suppose.


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

Question: It was about a 16 hour drive for her to get to "Mr Wonderful," right? So...she needs the kids' only means of transportation "for the weekend.". She won't be leaving til you're home from work, I assume, and will need to be back in time for you to go to work Monday. So, she's driving, round-trip about 32+ hours out of a roughly 50-60 hour stretch of time? With no job of her own to pay for gas or food on the trip? (I'm giving "Mr Wonderful the benefit of the doubt that he'll pick up any food for the 16 or so hours she'll be there and conscious.) im glad you're getting into. Better place mentally, Hurting, but file those papers! Stop financing her tryst. Likewise, I notice the phrase "*We* will have a second vehicle." Without a job, how, exactly is she contributing to the payment of that vehicle. It sounds like *you* (alone) are about to have a second vehicle. If it were me, under the circumstances, I definitely wouldn't put her name on the title.

Sorry, but I really hacks me off to read how, even with divorce impending, she's gotten you to bankroll and equip her affair. You're doing better emotionally, but she still "won" - doesn't have to work thanks to homeschooling the kids, still has you providing the roof over her head, *and* gets to use your vehicle and money to drive longer than she'll actually see him for some action, plus buy her her own vehicle to do so whenever she likes. She really pi$$es me off without ever having met her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

Grayson - Great Points! Tn, please listen to Grayson. I too do not understand why you are having to finance anything for her. I understanding providing for your kids, but you should not be providing anything for her! IF I were in your situation, I'd tell her that she can get her FB to come get her or buy her a plane ticket, doesn't matter, it's her problem to figure out, not yours She is no longer your responsibility. I too think it is wise to go ahead and file.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Grayson said:


> She won't be leaving til you're home from work, I assume, and will need to be back in time for you to go to work Monday. So, she's driving, round-trip about 32+ hours out of a roughly 50-60 hour stretch of time? With no job of her own to pay for gas or food on the trip?
> 
> It sounds like *you* (alone) are about to have a second vehicle. If it were me, under the circumstances, I definitely wouldn't put her name on the title.


My guess is prick is going to meet halfway. She is getting the money she will get in the divorce. If there is extra cost, Mr. Wonderful will have to pick it up.

The second vehicle is a gift from her sister. If I was buying it, it would be in my name. Since it is a gift from her sister, she can put it in her name.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

Your are just too much of a nice of a guy TN,you know that? I hope you find someone who will appreciate that one day.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

I've been nice these past few weeks of being separated. I'm not feeling too nice right now thinking about her taking a trip to meet Mr. Prick. She could have just been saying that to push my buttons. It almost worked. She didn't like the fact that I rode the motorcycle to work yesterday. She kept trying to figure out why I was doing it. She said it was "out of character for me". I said, Well, obviously I need to do more things that are out of character. Look where my normal character got me.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Did you file for divorce/separation yet????


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

I've not pushed the papers at this point. That may be changing this weekend. The separation has been going smoothly and I wasn't in a rush to get the divorce. I do have the papers printed out and she also has a blank copy. Can you tell procratination is one of my issues?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Yes, I can.


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

Hi JB


Jellybeans said:


> Yes, I can.


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## upset/confused (Jul 26, 2011)

My H's too. Procrastination on going through with the work after he dropped the bomb. But not when it came time to physically separate to be with the OW.

I know things seem ok, but are you going to settle for once in awhile? 

File. It doesnt always means its the end. But it certainly will show her your direction.

I know you have an agreement....but stop being a doormat


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Crankshaw said:


> Hi JB


Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii, Crank!!! Long time no see, dear!


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

HurtinginTN said:


> My guess is prick is going to meet halfway. She is getting the money she will get in the divorce. If there is extra cost, Mr. Wonderful will have to pick it up.


So, if I'm understanding, she's "borrowing" (for want of a better term) against her divorce settlement? Such as, say she gets $1000 in the settlement, spends $200 on this weekend's booty call, you'll only owe her $800? If that's the case, get it in writing, and get a way to track every penny she spends on her "trip," be it requesting receipts or tracking via debit card records. Since the marriage is essentially over, it might be time to handle all money matters as purely business transactions. And, given your job, I imagine you'll do well in keeping all of those pertinent records.



> The second vehicle is a gift from her sister. If I was buying it, it would be in my name. Since it is a gift from her sister, she can put it in her name.


Fair enough.

In that case, I *would* put it in her name, making the financial responsibility for it all hers. Even if she gets the car free and clear from her sister, gas, insurance and maintenance is all on her, not you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Divorce will be filed Monday, one way or the other. I'll complete the forms and take them to her hotel room. I found where she is staying. I called the hotel and asked to be transferred to his room. They transferred it and there was no answer. It's only about an hour and a half away. I'll give them to her there. I'm going to ask my brother to go with me.


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## Powerbane (Nov 8, 2010)

God be with you man. 

Take your brother for sure.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Powerbane (Nov 8, 2010)

Send me the hotel and room number. I'll call all damn night for ya!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

-Midtown Inn, Clarksville, TN (931) 647-6536 You know his name


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

My brother is talking me down.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Powerbane, you are an angel. You were there with me that night at McDonald's. Here you are this night.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

I'm not going anywhere tonight. I'll be here. Sorry for the stupid moment. Divorce will be filed, but I will do no harm.


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## Powerbane (Nov 8, 2010)

About ready to go Demon - dammit - wish I were there with you. I know that area too. 

Drop the hammer buddy. Nice and cordial and keep your cool. Don't need cops or jail time. It ain't worth it. 

Get whatever closure you need and move on - the woman and love she once was has been turned to another. 

Sounds like a no-tell motel type of place.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

somebody should go and take pictures, evidence?


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## Powerbane (Nov 8, 2010)

Yup - Clarksville, TN Hotel - Clarksville Area Hotel - Mid Town Inn - Clarksville, TN - Close to Clarksville Riverfront lovely place. Looks loverboy is moving in. Scumbag.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Powerbane said:


> Yup - Clarksville, TN Hotel - Clarksville Area Hotel - Mid Town Inn - Clarksville, TN - Close to Clarksville Riverfront lovely place. Looks loverboy is moving in. Scumbag.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Could be why she was so accomodating the last few days -- waiting for loverboy?


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

I thought about driving there for that, but I wouldn't be able to stop for pictures. I have a friend with an ex-wife in Clarksville. Maybe I'll try to call her.


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## Powerbane (Nov 8, 2010)

Lol - just called. The manager has the main phone transferred to his cell phone. Moat cordial and his best Indiamen accent (no offense intended - I have many Indian friends) please to call me back in one half hour please. I am now taking my dinner sir. 

Hurt gets what I mean. Not many in TN that talk that way.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Powerbane (Nov 8, 2010)

And at $50 dollars for rack rate a night - damn a bargain!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

The fit hit the shan last night. The kids eavesdropped on my conversation with my brother. They know where she is and who she is with. I called his cell a few times, with no response. My daughter wanted to call. I left a message with "see you in a little bit". She called back to make sure I wasn't on my way.

The kids talked to her. She is pissed that they know. Of course, it is my fault for making them cry, not hers for being there in the first place. Taking them fishing. Update later. 

Yes, divorce papers will be ready when she gets home. She either signs or I go to an attorney.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Powerbane said:


> Lol - just called. The manager has the main phone transferred to his cell phone. Moat cordial and his best Indiamen accent (no offense intended - I have many Indian friends) please to call me back in one half hour please. I am now taking my dinner sir.
> 
> Hurt gets what I mean. Not many in TN that talk that way.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I called a few times to the room before she called back. "There is no one in that room." Excuse me. "Every time I try that room, no one answers." He was getting tired of interruptions in his night, apparently.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

TN good for you taking the initiative back.

Hopefully you've learned that each and everytime your wife is cooperative or nice it's because she is setting up another cheating episode. She negotiates with you, you go along, and then she throws you under the bus.

Get those papers served, cut off her money finally, and get her gone.

He was in CO now he is the next town over. How long until she has him meeting the kids. She is continually pushing this farther and farther, while you've been compromising and trying to find a least awful path. Only to find she has just gotten out another knife to stab you with. 

Question- does she still go to church? If so how does she reconcile her actions?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## gearhead65 (Aug 25, 2011)

TN, sorry to hear about the trouble. I'm in the same town as you. If you need to talk or vent, I'm available. Also you have serious balls posting the Hotel info. Not sure I would be able to do that. Nicely done sir!

You aren't to blame for the kids finding out. Unless they are younger than 1-2 then they have known Mom and Dad have been having issues for a while. Its just that they have details now. Don't sweat the static from the crazy one.

GearHead


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> Question- does she still go to church? If so how does she reconcile her actions?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She went for the first time in a long time last Sunday. Our kids played the violin and guitar at church. She went strictly for the show, but seemed to be moved. She was crying talking to a friend of ours. I actually had a little consideration of reconciliation this week. 

Kids are doing great today. We had a great time at the river. Now for showers, supper, and off to see the Smurfs at the movie theater.

My daughter, 9, asked me a bit ago, "Daddy, when you get divorced, will you get a girlfriend?" I said, "It will be quite a while, but someday I will." She said, "Good, I don't want you to die single." She talked about a timeline. 5 years? I said I doubt it will be that long. 2 years? Maybe 1 year? Maybe 1 month? Definitely not.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> He was in CO now he is the next town over. How long until she has him meeting the kids.


Well, not quite the next town over, about 2 hours away. I don't know if he has moved closer or drove all the way there to meet her. I suspect he hasn't moved, but I wouldn't be too surprised.

My 9 year old told me several things. My wife has told her that he has 2 daughters the ages of my daughters. I asked if she told her that he never sees his daughters. She also told me that she asked her mother if she could talk to him. She tried to call him, but he didn't answer. My wife, who agreed there would be no contact whatsoever with the kids until after the divorce was final actually tried to call him with the intent of letting him talk to my daugher.

Also, they informed me that on her nights here, she locks the bedroom door for "private time". I'm sure she is talking to him during that time, probably more. 

Last night, my daughter chewed her mother out for quite a while on the phone. Today, my daughter told me that her mother told her that she never loved me and she shouldn't have married me. I expect that kind of talk from her to me, but telling my daughter that is way over the line.

I believe she tried to call today. There was a call on the home phone and my cell phone from a "private number" about the same time. I didn't answer since we were at the river.

My daughter made my day tonight. On the way home from the movie, she told her sister and brother, "I feel like today is my birthday." They are going to be just fine. I'll continue to show them very much love every time I'm with them and call them when I'm not.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Common TN how many times does this woman have to stab you in the back before you put an end to it?
Give her those papers and get her gone. You know she's gonna try moving OM man into the house as soon as she can.

She has absolutely no scruples.

I'm surprised the church let someone of her complete lack of values or faith walk in the place.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> Give her those papers and get her gone.


She won't be back until Monday. She'll have them then.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

TN be wary of her when she s back. The OM and her will have been scheeming all weekend together. She will be really trying to work you over. 
She's quite a piece of work, you really need to get out and do some dating with much better women and soon after getting rid of her. 
She has hurt that part of you that can engage another adult of the opposite sex, and it needs to be rebuilt through interaction and contact. 
So don't wait five years, maybe wait 6 months, but do get out there and upgrade your SO
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> TN be wary of her when she s back. The OM and her will have been scheeming all weekend together.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Agreed here. Watch your back with this


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

So did you actually get he paperwork and fill it out already or are you waiting again? 

Your wife has been out of control for a long time now. Please protect yourself and your heart and be rid of her. She does not love you.

It's good that your kids know the truth, IMO.l If she tries to blame you or fault you for them knowing tell her "I am not going to lie to them. This is all your doing so you can deal directly with them about it. I am no longer going to cover up your affair. I want a divorce."


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

I've got the paperwork. I was going to fill it out this weekend and get her to sign it this morning and file today. I decided to spend that time with my kids instead. We had a great weekend, except for the blowup Friday night of course. They are all doing good. We had some small discussions about the divorce Saturday and Sunday. No, I will not lie to them. I'm answering all questions openly and truthfully.

We found a green snake in the woods yesterday. I showed it to the kids and let them play with it for a while. My oldest now wants a pet snake. She asked me if she can have one and keep it at my place when I get my own place. 

My 9 year old said last night on the way home that divorce is a sin. I asked if one of her friends had said that at church when they were talking about it. She said they had been talking about the ten commandments at church one time and someone mentioned divorce when they were talking about adultery. I said that God does say, "I hate divorce." However, Jesus himself mentions adultery as grounds for divorce. They asked what adultery is. I told them when a married person has a boyfriend or girlfriend. "Like momma?" "Yes" 

Also, we discussed how I've actually spent more time with them during this month of separation than I did before. Before, I would split my time between them and their mother. Very rarely would she do anything as a family. So, I was stuck trying to balance time with her and time with my kids. They say I spent most of my time with her. Their perception is their reality. It probably was actual reality also. They all agreed that we have had more fun together this past month than ever. I told them that is how it will be with the divorce. I can focus solely on them. Eventually, some other woman will come into my life and compete with them for my time. Actually, I will not allow another woman in my life that competes with my time with my kids. Will I make sure we have time alone? Yes. Will I make sure we have time together as a new family? Absolutely. Now, will that requirement make it even more difficult to find a woman? Probably. That's fine, too. I need time to heal anyway. And to help them heal. 

I will complete my copy of the divorce papers tonight and tomorrow night. I asked her to please have her version completed by Wednesday night at the exchange of the kids. We'll exchange copies and then discuss the discrepancies on Friday night. Hopefully, we can iron out the differences next weekend and file next Monday. She just called and asked me if that was her copy that is half completed. I told her I had started completing it Friday night. That is not the final copy. If there is something she doesn't like, mark through it and put what she thinks. We'll fill out a final copy once we iron out the discrepancies. So, she is working on it.

I agree that they had all weekend to scheme. The kids will not go with her if she tries to take them to Colorado. If she even tries, I will go for full custody. I do believe it would be best for them to spend time with each of us. Anyway, one day at a time. I'll see Wednesday night how she thinks this is going to play out. Then we'll go from there. Other than her trying to take the kids there, I don't see what they could possibly scheme up. We're getting a divorce. There is no more trying to come up with ways to take it deeper underground or any of the other BS they have done all these months. I hold the cards.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Why does she need the paperwork to file? Usually only the party filing divorce needs to file the paper work and have the other party served.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Congratulations Hurt on moving on. Must be a tough way to live, but it sounds like you have given it time for you and the kids to be ready to make the break.

Good things will be coming your way in the coming weeks.


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

Just got caught up on your thread....
Good for you for moving forward!

I know this can't be easy - for you or your children....
Sounds like she is in a major fog w/the OM and clearly isn't seeing straight....thank goodness your kids have you! I agree with you being open and honest, if our kids can't depend on their own parents to be honest, who can they depend on? 

As far as love, you'll find it!
We all deserve it, and I'm sure you will take the lessons you've learned from this relationship and apply it to your next.
We are lucky, we have our childrens love - and it will take someone extra special to be added to their lives. But I know this....the next person to come into my life will have to love my son too....
He is the only person who will love me uncondtionally, and I'll never put him last 

Have a great Monday - I hope you all do!


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Why does she need the paperwork to file? Usually only the party filing divorce needs to file the paper work and have the other party served.


She doesn't have to. I am still hoping to put this dying horse down quickly and peacefully. IF we can agree on everything, we can both file the papers with the court and be done in 4 months for under $300. That is why I printed a copy for her to complete as she thinks and one for me to complete as I think. Then, we will get together and see if we can iron out the differences.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Hopefully it can be worked out as clean as possible. D is a total monster!


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Yeah, I know. I was just telling myself that no matter how it works out, the biggest thing is my kids. Who cares about the money? Money isn't important. My kids are the only thing that matters. I'm stressing about getting the house sold with 3 homes touching our property line for sale, valuing and selling all the junk in the home, a fair timeline and amount for alimony, child support, etc. On the alimony, my attorney I contacted said I would most likely have to pay some. I'm considering coming up with a number and offering it for a max of two years or until the kids meet OM, whichever comes first. I'm just brain storming at this point. I could handle living with my parents or brother for a while. I don't know. There just seems like so much, my brain is kind of on overload at the moment. I've been going through all of this mentally for quite a while, but it is still going to be a large task. It may be worth it to get an attorney, but I guess going through this process will at least get things in order and reduce the costs of the attorney.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You sound like a good dad. And you are right--your kids are the most important thing.

TN if you have time--an you post in Emb's thread over in Infidelity. I think you could have good advice for him.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Oh brother, these forms are a pain. She is pissed that her internet isn't working. Oh, yeah, I forgot the modem is in my bag I brought with me. Oops. I'm not being fair. She has given me 13 years and I don't want to give her alimony for the rest of her life. I didn't realize I needed to be putting aside money for her pension fund all these years. lol

I told her to call back if she wanted to discuss the details when she could talk in a calm voice. I will not put up with her yelling any more.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

Tn, you might as well retain your attorney. I hope I am wrong, be play nice. She is going to expect you to support her in the same manner after the divorce as you did before. She has no intent of getting a job. She will use the "homeschooling" as an excuse as to why she can't work and expects you to provide her with the same life style she is accustomed to. I know you said the attorney you spoke to says you will most likely have to pay alimony; however, with a good attorney and the situation you are in, it could be minimal. Be sure that the attorney you had a consult with is aggressive. Don't take one person's word for it, ask around and get referrals. 

You don't need to get so disgusted with your situation that you agree to everything your wife wants just to get it overwith. Stand tough!!


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

I did ask around. Several independent sources said he is the best around. Yeah, I'll probably be calling him back soon. I worked on the divorce papers a while last night. Her attitude last night makes me think I will have to get the attorney. I'll give it a week or two to see if we can work it out. The paperwork is more detailed and time consuming than I thought it would be. The biggest thing is going to be coming up with a value for all of the stuff in the house. There are hundreds of collectibles, lots of paintings, lots of jewelry, etc. that I have bought her over the years. 13 years of trying to buy her love, I guess. It may be in our best interest to sell as much of it as possible before filing so we can check the box saying we have already divided everything. The other option is for the court to divide it. I don't know how they would do that. Probably force an auction and we split the proceeds. That may be what we end up doing anyway to get rid of it quicker. I want it to be over right now, but I guess some patience would be prudent right now.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

karole said:


> She has no intent of getting a job. She will use the "homeschooling" as an excuse as to why she can't work and expects you to provide her with the same life style she is accustomed to.


I agree that is what she is thinking. As I've said before, I do agree with homeschooling in many respects. She has been doing better this past month with it. However, I am still on the fence. I know I need to pull the trigger quickly if I'm sending them to school.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

Does your wife realize that you want her to sell all her nice things? Your attorney and her attorney would work out a division of the property in the Divorce Agreement. I worked in a clerk's office when I was in high school and there was a couple that split everything they had, they even divided the hands on a grandfather clock, one got the hour hand and the other the minute hand. Don't remember who actually got the clock though. 
Prepare yourself TN. I know you'd like this to be a painless process, but I have a feeling it won't be.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

TN, I see advantages to homeschooling. However, if your kids have to go into public school, it isn't the end of the world. Public school will offer them many things that homeschooling can't. I guarantee you that if they do go into public school, they'll love it.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

I would be getting the children settled into regular school as soon as possible. With you wife "head over heals" in love with the OM, there's no way she can focus 100% on homeschooling. My husband and I home schooled our daughters when they were in the fifth grade. After a year I realized I could not give 100% to the cause. Unless your wife is completely dedicated your children will be better off in public school.


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## Why Not Be Happy? (Apr 16, 2010)

public school and more friends may be better for the kids-----especially now.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Yeah, that is what I'm thinking too. I should have pulled the trigger on that while she was in Colorado. She has fulfilled most of my requirements on home schooling. However, some are lacking. This weekend showed her level of committment to him. Also, the kids told me a few things this weekend about when she is there with them.

I'll have to work out a new arrangement for our custody, though. She will never get them up and get them ready for school in the mornings she is there. With the current schedule, I'm only there for Monday and Thursday mornings (and the weekends, but that is irrelevant for this). That leaves Tuesday, Wednesday, and Friday that I would be depending on her to get them to school when she is adamant about not wanting to send them. Ugh, divorce sucks! My inlaws live just down the road. They want them to go to school. I may talk to them about getting them to school on the days I'm not there. She certainly won't like that, but she doesn't like any of the consequences of her actions. Oh well, you can't pick up one end of a stick without picking up the other end as well. Actions have consequences. She chose her actions. She must accept the consequences of those actions.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

TN what consequences has she had to deal with here?

She is getting you go advance her $$$ so she can go for weekends with the OM

She is getting everything she wants from you. 

I'm not trying to be mean here. I'm trying to open your eyes to the fact that you make resolutions and everytime when push comes to shove she negotiates you down to letting get have 100% her way. 

Stop letting her cake eat. She needs to feel the pain if her choices. 

At this point that had changed for her is that she can now openly carry on with the OM and your still paying all the bills.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

Why can she not get the kids up for school? If she can't do that, how do you expect her to hold down a job?


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

karole said:


> Why can she not get the kids up for school? If she can't do that, how do you expect her to hold down a job?


It's not a matter of "can't". It's a matter of "won't". She wants to homeschool, partly at least to justify me paying her bills. Do you think she will put in the effort to get them up and get them ready for school when that is not what she wants?

I talked to my FIL today. He has offered to let me stay in an extra bedroom there on my nights away from the house. I asked if that is still an option. That way, I can go over and get them ready for school every morning. Another option is that my MIL said she would get them up and ready on the days I'm not there. That one sounds better, actually. None of my options are good. I just have to try to find the least shltty one.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

Good grief, what a nightmare. Hindsight is 20/20, but you should have stuck to your plan at the beginning of the year and started them then. I must say, I'm surprised that you admit she is homeschooling so she doesn't have to get a job. 

I don't know about the State of TN, but here, if your kids are tardy so many times or absent a certain number of times, the parents are held responsible and fined. This is another opportunity for you to let her suffer a consequence for something. Enroll the kids, tell her they're going and what time they have to be there. If she does not follow through, let her suffer the consequences.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

karole said:


> Good grief, what a nightmare. Hindsight is 20/20, but you should have stuck to your plan at the beginning of the year and started them then. I must say, I'm surprised that you admit she is homeschooling so she doesn't have to get a job.
> 
> I don't know about the State of TN, but here, if your kids are tardy so many times or absent a certain number of times, the parents are held responsible and fined. This is another opportunity for you to let her suffer a consequence for something. Enroll the kids, tell her they're going and what time they have to be there. If she does not follow through, let her suffer the consequences.


I notice a common thing with these threads with blatant cheating wives - their STBXH want to solve all their problems. Why can't she ask her parents to get kids off to school? Why can't she be left with responsibility and if she can't handle it then I guess she isn't responsible for 50/50 custody? You can't control everything. Unfortunately when marrying you chose sh!t for a co-parent. You can't fix that. I know, I had to accept the same. It was tough, he fell and the kids came to me. I couldn't save them from him until he suffered natural consequence to his irresponsible behaviour.
Mine couldn't make a decent lunch to save his life. Kids got given a lunch like poor kids. They were embarrassed, school called me, then called him, counselors got involved - bam couldn't have them school nights anymore.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Well, maybe that would be good for her to see some consequences. But it would also be bad for my kids. I wouldn't let them suffer consequences just so she can as well. That is what I want to avoid if I possibly can. My focus is on them.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

HurtinginTN said:


> Well, maybe that would be good for her to see some consequences. But it would also be bad for my kids. I wouldn't let them suffer consequences just so she can as well. That is what I want to avoid if I possibly can. My focus is on them.


You can't control everything. You can't save them from the woman you chose as their mother. It's a hard lesson, but rather than running like a chicken with head cut off trying to save her, you have to let her fall then rescue kids.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

TN your kids are already suffering because of her actions and so are you. She is the only one who isn't. It's no wonder she hasn't changed her actions. What reason would she have?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Sounds stupid, but you may have to stipulate that she has to get the kids to school on her days with them in the divorce settlement. This should go without saying, but maybe having it in there with a penalty of losing custody, might make her be responsible.

I think you need to go to a lawyer and quit worrying about doing the divorce for $300. It might cost a few thousand, but this will be the start of your new life. Sounds like custody and schooling and her working are all things that you won't be able to agree to in an 'uncontested divorce', unless of course you allow her to do whatever she wants.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

We all know you are thinking of your kids and I really admire you for that. I think she will get them to school on time TN. You are worrying about something that hasn't even happened yet and may not. If she doesn't, all the better for you in terms of custody. Tell the Judge it would be in the childrens' best interest to live with you and allow your wife every other weekend visitation due to her inability to get the kids to school etc.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

And it might be cheaper in the long run to pay someone to tell her "no". It doesn't seem as though you have much luck or skill keeping boundaries with her. If you turn it over to an attorney to deal with, you'll likely get much better results for you and your kids.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Damn it, I know. A leopard can't change it's spots. I'm not even concerned about the $300 vs the several thousand. It's just that IF she would be an adult and work things out amicably, it would be soooo much easier on the kids. I suppose that is just like saying IF she would give up this wonderful, perfect, ugly, greasy, worm, we may have had a chance at reconciliation. She is what she is. It'll be over soon enough, so I just need to accept that I have tried my best to keep it easy on the kids and deal with the ugliness she is going to dish out. They see who is trying to do what's best for them. They were excited about going to school anyway. They'll probably be happy with it. I was concerned with the divorce's effect on them as well. They made me realize my time with them has already increased in both quantity and quality with the separation. The school will most likely be the same way.


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

HurtinginTN said:


> Damn it, I know. A leopard can't change it's spots. I'm not even concerned about the $300 vs the several thousand. It's just that IF she would be an adult and work things out amicably, it would be soooo much easier on the kids. I suppose that is just like saying IF she would give up this wonderful, perfect, ugly, greasy, worm, we may have had a chance at reconciliation. She is what she is. It'll be over soon enough, so I just need to accept that I have tried my best to keep it easy on the kids and deal with the ugliness she is going to dish out. They see who is trying to do what's best for them. They were excited about going to school anyway. They'll probably be happy with it. I was concerned with the divorce's effect on them as well. They made me realize my time with them has already increased in both quantity and quality with the separation. The school will most likely be the same way.


Hurt, forgive me if you have already covered this but is the self centered way she has been acting a new thing that just popped up this past year? Has there always been that side to her but you were willing to overlook it until all this crap fell on you? If so man I don't see it changing.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Yes, she has always been pretty self-centered. Her sisters got together with her a few years ago. She called me crying saying they told her she was the most selfish person they had ever met. She has pretty much always done what she wants. I thought I was being a loving husband by allowing it. Well, hindsight is definitely 20/20. No, I don't see her changing either.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

CALL THE LAWYER and tell him to draw up the papers and have her served. Don't worry about what she wants or trying to please her. Let the lawyer type up the papers with what YOU want and if she doesn't like it, let her get her own lawyer. She is no longer your problem. You need to remember that.


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

HurtinginTN said:


> Yes, she has always been pretty self-centered. Her sisters got together with her a few years ago. She called me crying saying they told her she was the most selfish person they had ever met. She has pretty much always done what she wants. I thought I was being a loving husband by allowing it. Well, hindsight is definitely 20/20. No, I don't see her changing either.


Sorry man. Either way you go she is going to blame you for whatever happens in her life. Good to see you enjoying those kids man. Much of what you post about how she acts reminds me of a child throwing a tantrum when you tell them no toy on a trip to Wal-Mart.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Yeah, when she noticed the modem wasn't there last night, she sounded worse than any of our kids ever did at 4 years old or so when they were told no. I wouldn've driven home to spank her, but she might have liked it. :rofl:


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

karole said:


> CALL THE LAWYER and tell him to draw up the papers and have her served. Don't worry about what she wants or trying to please her. Let the lawyer type up the papers with what YOU want and if she doesn't like it, let her get her own lawyer. She is no longer your problem. You need to remember that.


yes. do this. she needs to learn empathy and selflessness. and she cant do that with enablers.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Well, I've got my part done. I came up with a child support number. I have completed a budget for myself and a reasonable one for her post-divorce. Of course, I'm keeping mine to myself. I'm thinking of giving her a copy of hers. I am considering offering her some alimony (my attorney said I will most likely have to pay some anyway) for a period of two years or until any of our children meet OM, whichever comes first. I have included this number in my budget and I'm good with it. Morally, I don't think she should get a dime. I'm debating on whether to even offer it. I'll see what she comes up with tomorrow night. Then I'll go from there.

I agree with all of you. I'm most likely going to have to get an attorney. But this has been a good exercise to go through anyway. It's worth a shot to save a few grand and to keep the kids from having to endure a court battle.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

Don't offer her anything TN because whatever you offer her is not going to be enough. She isn't going to cooperate with you. She expects you to maintain the same lifestyle that she is accustomed to. Let your lawyer work things out.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

I found out last night that all of her family is coming in for Labor Day. Most of her siblings live out of state now. I may try to arrange a meeting with her and all of them to see if they can convince her to iron things out ourselves without getting ugly. One of her sisters is an attorney. If that doesn't work, I'll come up with the retainer and see my attorney next week. I think I have a very fair plan laid out. I will point out to her that even in her best case scenario, she isn't going to get too much more than what I have laid out. It is also highly likely due to her recent trip with her boyfriend, that she will get much less. Also, if she does it peacefully, I will put "irreconcilable differences" as the cause for divorce. I believe I have to mark that for an uncontested divorce anyway. If she fights it, I will put "adultery" as the grounds. Her family wasn't able to convince her to stop the affair, so I don't know if they will be able to talk since into her that this is the best route on the divorce. But it is worth a shot.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

There you go again TN. You're looking for ways to reach out honestly and reasonable to her. Trust me while you seem to have a kind heart. She will find a way to use your attempts to further her selfish affair. 

You really are a nice guy. She callously using that against you each step of the way.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

I'm sorry. I must not have been clear. We are getting divorced. I have completed the papers. I am considering meeting with her family and her to convince her to iron out the details and just file the damn papers without having to get attorneys involved. I have absolutely no interest whatsoever in reconciliation. Of course, she is going to continue her affair. Only, it won't be on my dime or my time. It will crash in months, I'm sure. But that is too late. It is too late already. I'm done. Don't worry, I'm not so ready to be done with it that I'll screw myself too badly in the divorce. If she gets a little more than she should, fine. I would have had to spend that on the attorney anyway. There isn't much there at all. After looking at all of our assets and all of our debts, the net worth is less than what I make in 6 months. That sucks. I once thought I'd be a millionaire at 40. Anyway, there isn't too much to split. The kids are going to school. She has to get a job. We're selling the house, etc. I'll be done with her altogether soon enough. One way or the other, meaning we file ourselves or I hire an attorney. I don't really care either way. I have worked out a plan that is acceptable to me. If it is acceptable to her, we will be filing within the next week.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

She blew a gasket last night. At the changeover, I didn't say anything to her until she went out to the van. I followed her out and told her the papers are on the seat. I also told her I'm registering the kids for school. She went back in and locked me out of the house. I knocked and the kids came to the door. She told them not to let me in. I should have just walked away at that point, since she was putting the kids in the middle. I didn't. I told my daughter that it was my time and she wasn't even supposed to be there. She unlocked the door. I came in and told her to leave. She started yelling that I can't put the kids in school and all that stuff, of course right in front of the kids. They got all upset. She finally started to leave and my 9 year old was holding on for dear life and crying. She went outside with her for a few minutes. Then, they both came in. My daughter was still crying and my stbxw yelled at her, "What do you want me to do?" I think I flew across the living room. I don't know if my feet even touched the ground. I stepped in between them, opened the front door, and told her to get the f--- out of my house. None of this would have happened if she had just discussed it like an adult in private instead of bringing it in front of the kids. It took a while to get the kids settled down. We ended up watching Mary Poppins and eating popcorn. We discussed for a while that her mother and I were both very wrong for fighting in front of them. I made sure to reiterate again that our fighting has absolutely nothing to do with them. There is nothing they did to cause it and there is nothing they could have done differently to prevent it. I didn't say anything to her this morning at the changeover. I am still shaking mad that she would do that to our kids. I guess I am also guilty for not just walking away. Damn it. I hate it when she pushes my buttons and I screw up and continue to fight in front of the kids. Our interactions will be coming fewer and fewer soon. Maybe we need to set up a neutral exchange point, as in her parents house or something. I don't want to see her at all.

Sorry to ramble so long. I'm still very pissed off this morning.


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

HurtinginTN said:


> She blew a gasket last night. At the changeover, I didn't say anything to her until she went out to the van. I followed her out and told her the papers are on the seat. I also told her I'm registering the kids for school. She went back in and locked me out of the house. I knocked and the kids came to the door. She told them not to let me in. I should have just walked away at that point, since she was putting the kids in the middle. I didn't. I told my daughter that it was my time and she wasn't even supposed to be there. She unlocked the door. I came in and told her to leave. She started yelling that I can't put the kids in school and all that stuff, of course right in front of the kids. They got all upset. She finally started to leave and my 9 year old was holding on for dear life and crying. She went outside with her for a few minutes. Then, they both came in. My daughter was still crying and my stbxw yelled at her, "What do you want me to do?" I think I flew across the living room. I don't know if my feet even touched the ground. I stepped in between them, opened the front door, and told her to get the f--- out of my house. None of this would have happened if she had just discussed it like an adult in private instead of bringing it in front of the kids. It took a while to get the kids settled down. We ended up watching Mary Poppins and eating popcorn. We discussed for a while that her mother and I were both very wrong for fighting in front of them. I made sure to reiterate again that our fighting has absolutely nothing to do with them. There is nothing they did to cause it and there is nothing they could have done differently to prevent it. I didn't say anything to her this morning at the changeover. I am still shaking mad that she would do that to our kids. I guess I am also guilty for not just walking away. Damn it. I hate it when she pushes my buttons and I screw up and continue to fight in front of the kids. Our interactions will be coming fewer and fewer soon. Maybe we need to set up a neutral exchange point, as in her parents house or something. I don't want to see her at all.
> 
> Sorry to ramble so long. I'm still very pissed off this morning.


I'm sorry this all went down - don't beat yourself up now, it's over. This is the way it's going to be sometimes, until things are settled some. It would be nice if we could take all emotion out of it, but we are angry and hurting....I hope you feel better soon


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Sometimes the way a person handles a situation afterwards is more important than the incident itself. Sounds like you handled it well.

I think having at least one parent who is stable and loving is important for the kids -- and they have you.

It would be abnormal if parents did not fight.


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

Hurting - So sorry to hear about that. The schedule that my STBXW and I worked out has been in place for a couple of months and has worked well with our 50/50 split of time. All handoffs are done on school days so one of us drops them off at school on the handover day and the other one picks them up and keeps them for their time. There has been no need to be face to face for pick ups other than when there has been exceptional circumstances. (Switched days, work stuff or travel)


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Yeah, I think it will be easier when we get to that. Do you mind telling me your schedule? We still only have one vehicle for the time being. That necessitates the face-to-face at the exchanges. We'll have another one within the next week or two, so that should help.


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

HurtinginTN said:


> Yeah, I think it will be easier when we get to that. Do you mind telling me your schedule? We still only have one vehicle for the time being. That necessitates the face-to-face at the exchanges. We'll have another one within the next week or two, so that should help.


Not a problem. What we agreed and continue to stipulate to is the following 2 week rotation.

Monday after school pickup and drop off Weds am school - Mom
Weds after school pick and drop off Friday am school - Dad
Friday after school pick up and drop off Monday am school - Mom
Monday after school pick up and drop off Weds am school - Dad
Weds after school pickup and drop off Friday am school - Mom
Friday after school pickup and drop off Monday am school - Dad

And continuing on and on. We have made adjustments for one offs but pretty much have been doing this for a while and the kids adapted pretty good to it. We pretty much get every other weekend with some time for both of us during the week. Whoever has the kids on the days they have activities takes care of it and we dont need to meet face/face unless we choose to. Kids have been spared any animosity throughout by maintaining space and that has made it easier on both of us.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Thank you. I thought our plan was working out fine until last weekend. We were able to get along good enough for the face to face. Now, it would be best for us not to see each other at all. I can't stand her and she is pissed about the school thing. I think I'll suggest that schedule to see how it works. I do enjoy every weekend with the kids, though.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Hurt. It actually sounds like you did as well as you could have. 

It may be finally dawning on her that her cake eating is coming to it's end. She can be a WW and have you keeping everything going the way she wants it to be. 

You ARE filing she has left the marriage she is breaking the family and YOU are doing what is best for the kids. 

She acts like a petulant teenage ager who expects all things to be her way. 

Expect her to pullmore of this everytime you stand up to her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

HurtinginTN said:


> Thank you. I thought our plan was working out fine until last weekend. We were able to get along good enough for the face to face. Now, it would be best for us not to see each other at all. I can't stand her and she is pissed about the school thing. I think I'll suggest that schedule to see how it works. I do enjoy every weekend with the kids, though.


I know. I miss seeing my kids everyday but this is unfortunately one of the byproducts of a divorce. We try like crazy to protect our kids but the reality is that there are two different households being created out of one and kids will rotate in most joint custody arrangements. Your kids will be happier without being around the tension and you can use the time to build out and embrace your social life and have some fun. That doesnt make you a bad parent, it actually makes you a good CO-Parent which is in both of our futures.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

I just talked to weasel boy again. That makes 3 times today. This morning, my stbxw was late. She has a secret cell phone, still. She won't give me or her kids her number, but keeps it for him. I called him and he actually answered. I asked where she was. He said he didn't know. I told him to "call your little ***** to see where she is because she isn't where she is supposed to be." I hung up.

My van died on my several times on the way to work this morning. It had never done that before weasel boy "worked" on it in Denver. It has done it several times since. I took it to a shop today. It cost $169 to fix the vacuum hoses that weasel boy had knocked off when he was messing around. I asked the mechanic if the hoses could have just come off. He said, No, they had to be either knocked off by someone messing around in there or taken off. No one else has been under the hood of my van. I called him and left a voice mail that he owes me $169 for fixing what he screwed up on my van. He called back a little later. I asked if he was sending me a check. He just said, "Take it out of the parts I bought. They were about $300." He hung up. I called back. He answered and said, "What do you want?" in a very irritated tone of voice. I said, "You were repaid for those parts many times over, weasel boy. You owe me $169 for fixing your screwup". 

I know. I shouldn't be contacting the piece of **** at all. Actually, he is the only way I have to contact her and she was late, making me late to work. He screwed up my van as a mechanic. I am entitled to call the mechanic that screwed up my van. It did give me a little pleasure in that he was so irritated. He won't be hard to rile up in person. I may even be able to work up a swing from him. . . . Oh, the pleasure in that thought. There is not much I would like more than for him to take a swing at me.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

I thought I was through the angry stage. Is it normal to swing back and forth through the stages of recovery? I am so damn mad these past few days, I can't hardly concentrate. Mad at her for throwing her family in the dumpster. Mad at him for continuing to pursue a married woman with absolutely no consequences whatsoever. Mad at the tears my children have cried and will continue to cry because of what the two of them have done. Mad that they could be so damn selfish. Mad that there is not a damn thing I can do about it. (I know, divorce is doing something about it and I'll come out better in the end. I mean nothing I can do to keep that POS from being around my kids eventually.) Just plain mad.


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

Weasel boy. I like that. Might have to steal that one from you Hurt.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Feel free. My kids were also calling him weasel boy this weekend. My 9 year old informed me last night that I shouldn't call him weasel boy. Obviously, she had mentioned it to her mother and she had told our daughter what a fine, upstanding, wonderful man he is. Therefore, I shouldn't call him weasel boy. I said any man that engages in an affair with a married woman is indeed a weasel.


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

HurtinginTN said:


> Feel free. My kids were also calling him weasel boy this weekend. My 9 year old informed me last night that I shouldn't call him weasel boy. Obviously, she had mentioned it to her mother and she had told our daughter what a fine, upstanding, wonderful man he is. Therefore, I shouldn't call him weasel boy. I said any man that engages in an affair with a married woman is indeed a weasel.


He got a nicer name then the one I gave "my" OM. At least you can say yours in front of the kids. LOL


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## upset/confused (Jul 26, 2011)

I caution you to not become ugly like her. I know that it feels good to rile weasel boy up but in the end it will only hurt you TN. Please be careful and don't stoop to her level.

I don't remember if someone already mentioned it, but start keeping a log of your arrangements with the kids, and annotate when she is late or changes last minute. That helps with the custody.

File already...who cares what she thinks...quit being the nice one, she will continue to take advantage of that as WE all keep telling you.

It sucks, but JUST DO IT. Rip off that bandage and start healing.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

joe kidd said:


> He got a nicer name then the one I gave "my" OM. At least you can say yours in front of the kids. LOL



Oh, there certainly have been others. The kids are the reason I started using that one. If I'm consistent on one they can hear, then the others won't slip out in front of them. lol


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

upset/confused said:


> File already...who cares what she thinks...quit being the nice one, she will continue to take advantage of that as WE all keep telling you.


I don't care what she thinks. Next week, I will be filing. Whether we go to the courthouse together and file the mutually agreed upon document or I go to my attorney with my proposal and file it with him, I will be filing next week. I've talked to her brother these past few days. I do trust him. He is the beneficiary on my life insurance policy now. I would have never done that if I didn't inherently trust him. He has looked over my proposal and actually said I should put some more in it for me. I did before I gave it to her. He is coming into town this weekend for the first time since this whole thing started. He is going to sit down face to face with her and discuss things. Not trying to get her to reconcile, but the benefits of working things out amicably. He is also going to discuss with her the school situation and how home-schooling is out of the question now. She respects her brother more than anyone. I'll give him this chance to convince her to do things the easy way. He has pointed out to me and will to her that we all lose in a long, drawn-out court battle. Me, her, the kids, etc. The only winners are the attorneys, really. 

I don't really care which way it goes. I know it will be over 6 months from now or sooner. I'm a free man. I can breathe the fresh air and see the blue sky. Soon, I will be done with that woman that has drained me so much in every conceivable way (well, I just thought of one connotation that she never did, but anyway . . . ). I still hold out some hope that her brother can convince her to not fight me each step of the way. I don't care for myself, or about the money. I want this to end in the easiest, least destructive way possible for my children.


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

Hurt you know it will get so very nasty....just keep telling yourself that soon you will be free of all this bs.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Yeah, I talked to her a bit last night about the papers. She thought they were "ridiculous". I told her I don't care how she wants to play this out, the easy way or the hard way. In 6 months, I will be free from her for good. It's up to her to decide if the route to that final destination is easy or hard on her and the children. I don't care either way.

She didn't like the fact that I put on the asset division that I get all of the collectibles, most sellable furniture, paintings, jewelry, etc. I also put me getting most of the debt. I told her I had originally said she keeps everything and the associated debt. She didn't like the debt idea, so I re-worked it so that I get most of the assets and debt. I pointed out the bottom line. I am an accountant. The bottom line is 50/50. We can get there a thousand different ways. We can bicker over who gets each individual Hummel and spend hours researching the fair market value of each said Hummel. Or we can just agree on an estimated value of all of the stuff and be done with it. She seems to think she gets to keep all of her stuff, I keep all of the associated debt, she gets a fat alimony check for the rest of her life, etc.

Wow, reality is going to hit her across the face with a 2X4 harder than the one she hit me with regarding the affair. I remained calm and pointed out facts. Like I told her, what I have proposed is very fair, if not slightly skewed in her favor. I'm willing to skew it slightly in her direction in order to avoid the legal fees, extra harm to our children, etc. IF she does not agree and it goes to attorneys, she will receive less than what I am offering at this point. She has shown herself to be foolish for months with this affair. I believe she will be foolish and not accept my generous offer.


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

First off, I just can't bring myself to call this guy "weasel boy.". No, no...not out of any modicum of respect for the scumbag, but because, believe it or not, that is the exact same name I assigned to my former best friend/roommate in college after he flaked out on our entire circle of friends (his girlfriend included). While I've finally gotten over it all in the intervening years (in the bit picture, it was all fairly unimportant stuff), that name is reserved for him. 

That said, since it appears he's still local...did "Mr Wonderful" move to your area, or was it just his turn to travel for the extended booty call?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Grayson said:


> That said, since it appears he's still local...did "Mr Wonderful" move to your area, or was it just his turn to travel for the extended booty call?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



I believe he is back in Colorado. At least, that is what he said yesterday. He actually called me back last night to apologize for being rude. I just laughed. I said something to the effect of "I was just thinking about you. You will get your just deserts soon enough. She will be screwing around on you in no time. She made me feel ugly for 13 years. Now, she is telling me I am very sexy (I have made some physical improvements thanks to the Betrayed Spouse Extreme Weight Loss Diet) and that you are "not physically attractive." Also, you can't even use your little pecker well enough to give her an orgasm. You will most certainly reap what you have sown very soon. I kind of feel sorry for you. Actually, I don't. You are a POS and deserve everything you have coming to you."


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

I am truly not trying to be mean but....if she truly feels that way about "weasel boy" why is she still messing with him?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

pidge70 said:


> I am truly not trying to be mean but....if she truly feels that way about "weasel boy" why is she still messing with him?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Oh, she "loves" him, but she did say those things. Good question on the "why". I had a thought this morning on the way to work. In reading a lot of these threads, it seems that a lot of the WW crave more attention than their husband can provide. I worked from home for years. I would go out of town on work during that time and she'd call asking me to come home the first day of a 1-week trip across the state. She hated it when I would go, and it was only a few times per year. I'd even arrange it for her family to help with the kids when I would be gone.

I got a job a little over 2 years ago. Therefore, I wasn't there all day long every day any more. Now, I wonder if that had something to do with it. This punk had nothing better to do and could devote hours of undivided attention every evening. I had to work, etc. Now that she won't be getting any attention at all from me, I'm sure Mr. Wonderful won't be able to fill her bottomless attention tank either. Therefore, she will seek yet another and another and another, etc. Maybe some day she will figure that all out. Like I told her sisters one day, no man can make her happy. I couldn't. This man won't be able to. Nor the next, or the next, or the next. Not until she works some things out inside of herself.


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

HurtinginTN said:


> In reading a lot of these threads, it seems that a lot of the WW crave more attention than their husband can provide.


In my case "wanted" to....
He could give me attention, he'd just rather watch golf

Sorry, don't mean to hijack your thread but I need attention! 
LMBBO!


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

:rofl:


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

pidge70 said:


> I am truly not trying to be mean but....if she truly feels that way about "weasel boy" why is she still messing with him?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My own wife is still trying to figure out why it was someone she hates that pushed her over the edge to a PA.

Hurting's wife would probably spin some BS about the deep "connection" she feels for "Mr Wonderful."

The long and the short of it is probably that she's simply responding to the high that she experiences from her illicit liaison. The simple fact that this waste of DNA isn't her husband is enough to mask all of his shortcomings that she's admitted.

For now.

Once the divorce goes through and she's responsible for herself and - assuming for the moment that this happens - "Mr Wonderful" is openly her...whatever..., then she'll be movin on to the next shiny new guy who isn't her significant other.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Exactly!


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

HurtinginTN said:


> Exactly!


Hurt I don't mean to offend but she seem very high maintenance.
Ask Pidge I'm by no means an attentive man. She has come to the conclusion that I'm an "act of service" kind of guy. Working my a$$ off and taking care of things is how I show love. Sounds to me that you bent over backward and was still not enough. YOU deserve better .


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Man, I am struggling today. The bad wolf has been kicking the good wolf's ass for the last week. I can't seem to stop feeding him. There is no good in it, but this anger and bitterness has taken a very strong hold since her latest trip. I know I have to become civil with her, but I am so very angry. I'm angry that she has just thrown me, our marriage, our kids, etc. in the garbage. I know I can not control her actions. I also know I'll be fine and the kids will be fine in the end. However, I have to let go of the anger and bitterness. She will always be their mother and I'll always be their father. I have to become civil. 

I believe this anger is a subconscious way of protecting myself from further pain. If I stay angry at her, I will not ever even consider reconciling with her. If I never consider reconciling, she will never be able to hurt me again. Just typing that, it looks like I am losing my freaking mind. 

How do you just accept the reality of a ****ty situation and get over the anger, bitterness, and resentment? It is only hurting me and the kids. It is not hurting her. I have to be strong and feed the good wolf. Maybe on some level I want to hold onto this anger. Any help from you folks that know how a mind works better than I do?


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## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

Bitterness needs to be the first thing to get rid of because it eats at your very soul.

Anger is very understandable in this situation and it will take some time to get over the anger, because just knowing what all she is throwing away hurts and its very painful. Knowing what I know anger has helped somewhat get me through it actually. 

I wish I had the answer to accepting this reality but I think it takes alot of time and healing. Anger is a natural emotional response in these situations but it should subside over time. Wanting to hold onto the anger will actually prolong the healing process because when you stay angry it kind of keeps the sad emotions away.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

HurtinginTN said:


> Man, I am struggling today. The bad wolf has been kicking the good wolf's ass for the last week. I can't seem to stop feeding him. There is no good in it, but this anger and bitterness has taken a very strong hold since her latest trip. I know I have to become civil with her, but I am so very angry. I'm angry that she has just thrown me, our marriage, our kids, etc. in the garbage. I know I can not control her actions. I also know I'll be fine and the kids will be fine in the end. However, I have to let go of the anger and bitterness. She will always be their mother and I'll always be their father. I have to become civil.
> 
> I believe this anger is a subconscious way of protecting myself from further pain. If I stay angry at her, I will not ever even consider reconciling with her. If I never consider reconciling, she will never be able to hurt me again. Just typing that, it looks like I am losing my freaking mind.
> 
> How do you just accept the reality of a ****ty situation and get over the anger, bitterness, and resentment? It is only hurting me and the kids. It is not hurting her. I have to be strong and feed the good wolf. Maybe on some level I want to hold onto this anger. Any help from you folks that know how a mind works better than I do?


Maybe you could talk to Joe. I know he went through the same thing because of my stupidity. I really think he could help you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

That was different though. You fought for your relationship with him. She isn't fighting for anything besides alimony, lol. I guess he had to fight the same demons, though. I was doing pretty good at letting all those things go. Then, wham, she was with him again. I guess that shouldn't matter to me, but it sure has.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

You need to try and concentrate on you and your children. Every time she gets to you it let's her know she still has some hold over you. I know it is hard. I wish I could take away all this for you and your children.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

pidge70 said:


> You need to try and concentrate on you and your children. Every time she gets to you it let's her know she still has some hold over you. I know it is hard. I wish I could take away all this for you and your children.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I know. I kind of lost my focus this past week. I did have a great weekend with my son, though. My daughters were away with a friend, so we had a lot of time together. He said it was the best weekend ever. I believe he has said that the last 3 weekends in a row. How long can I keep that up? lol


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

HurtinginTN said:


> I know. I kind of lost my focus this past week. I did have a great weekend with my son, though. My daughters were away with a friend, so we had a lot of time together. He said it was the best weekend ever. I believe he has said that the last 3 weekends in a row. *How long can I keep that up? * lol


Until you tell him no 

Seriously though, you have to remember that you're grieving a big part of your life. No matter how "right" it is to take this action, it's a big loss. I think divorce is supposed to be one of the most stressful of all the life events out there. Anger is one of the classic 7 stages of grief and so it's totally normal to have those days off and on through all of this. It's not being angry that's wrong, it's wallowing in it rather than acknowledging it and moving on that can become a problem.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

COGypsy said:


> Until you tell him no



lol. Admittedly, my children have not heard that word from me very much this past month or so. Maybe I am spoiling them a bit too much, but I want to make them as happy as possible through this ordeal. Nothing too over the top, but an extra dollar or two at the arcade isn't going to hurt anything. Me trying to challenge my girls on the dancing thing where you have to step on the appropriate arrows at the appropriate time may have, though. I'm kind of sore. lol


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## calif_hope (Feb 25, 2011)

Regarding the "dance thing" arcade game.......keep it up, good practice for when you start dating again (when your ready).
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

COGypsy said:


> Anger is one of the classic 7 stages of grief and so it's totally normal to have those days off and on through all of this. It's not being angry that's wrong, it's wallowing in it rather than acknowledging it and moving on that can become a problem.


The anger was more intense this past time than it has been on my earlier trips around this stupid roller coaster. Today, the anger is subsiding as I round the bend to the depression stage. I can hardly concentrate at all today. I'll be glad when I get off this darn ride.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

calif_hope said:


> Regarding the "dance thing" arcade game.......keep it up, good practice for when you start dating again (when your ready).


The dating thing will be quite a while. But I do have fun dancing with my girls. My mom said there was a place she knew of that has dancing in a family atmosphere. My daughter loves doing some of the country dances around the kitchen. I've been thinking I'd like to take them somewhere with a real dance floor. Maybe I'll look into that place.

It's funny, because the kids and I talked about that. That would probably be a good business. We said we would call it the "Family Dance Club" or something like that. I found a bar that has some good dancing, but the dance floor don't even get started until around 10:00. I'm getting too old to close down a club and go to work the next morning. lol


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

COGypsy, I must be improving some, because your name doesn't trigger me like it used to. lol


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

HurtinginTN said:


> COGypsy, I must be improving some, because your name doesn't trigger me like it used to. lol


That's just because I'm a nice girl! I'm really from Texas, that "other place" is just where I've landed!


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Had an awesome weekend with the kids. It was pretty action packed, with their first college football game, visiting family, birthday party, etc. My daughter said last night this weekend was better than a holiday weekend. She couldn't believe we did so much. 

I was feeling very strong. At the exchange this morning, my stbxw had made me some coffee as I was getting ready. She walked me to the door as if to give a goodbye hug. I just walked out. I wanted to hug her so bad. She looked so good and was being so nice. But I just walked away. I do want to be cordial, but hugging or anything else just rips my heart out more. You would think it would be easy to just walk away after all of this. I guess those feelings take time to fade.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Did you guys come to an agreement on everything or did you have to file? One or the other was to have happened by now I thought.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

We are close to agreeing on everything. I had said I was filing last week one way or the other. That was the pure hatred talking as she was with him a couple of weekends ago. The reality is that we have a lot to get in order. Taking a little more time to get rid of all of the assets in the best financial way possible would be prudent. On the home, we have 3 properties adjoining our property currently for sale. My understanding is that if I file and it goes through the courts now, we would be forced to sale the house at auction. If I take some time to fix it up some and put it on the market, we would probably come out many thousand dollars better off.

We are working on liquidating everything and paying off some debt. I have a new place pretty much furnished whenever I get ready. One friend with a couch, another with a TV, etc. My biggest obstacle will be getting rid of our house. That may take some time. 

I'm getting back to working on things rationally instead of a knee-jerk reaction based on anger, etc.


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

HurtinginTN said:


> We are close to agreeing on everything. I had said I was filing last week one way or the other. That was the pure hatred talking as she was with him a couple of weekends ago. The reality is that we have a lot to get in order. Taking a little more time to get rid of all of the assets in the best financial way possible would be prudent. On the home, we have 3 properties adjoining our property currently for sale. My understanding is that if I file and it goes through the courts now, we would be forced to sale the house at auction. If I take some time to fix it up some and put it on the market, we would probably come out many thousand dollars better off.
> 
> We are working on liquidating everything and paying off some debt. I have a new place pretty much furnished whenever I get ready. One friend with a couch, another with a TV, etc. My biggest obstacle will be getting rid of our house. That may take some time.
> 
> I'm getting back to working on things rationally instead of a knee-jerk reaction based on anger, etc.


Good to hear you had a great weekend with the kids. Who did you go see? Vandy? BTW GO BIG BLUE! (UK fan here)


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

joe kidd said:


> Good to hear you had a great weekend with the kids. Who did you go see? Vandy? BTW GO BIG BLUE! (UK fan here)


We went to see Georgia Tech kick MTSU's butt. We were hoping for a different outcome, but that is what we witnessed. lol I went to school there (MTSU) and a buddy of mine had an extra ticket. It was also good to see him. I ran into several of my old friends there. The kids had a blast. My 9 year old has decided she wants to go to college there. "How old do I have to be to go to college?" 

I may have some tickets to take them to one of the Titans' games. One of our vendors at work offered 3 tickets for a customer appreciation day. I told him if he can make it 4, I'll take them. I wouldn't even attempt to pick 2 to go with me and leave 1 of them out. I hope they are able to come up with that extra ticket. They are for a skybox, fully catered, etc. Let's see weasel boy try to compete with that. :rofl:


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

HurtinginTN said:


> We went to see Georgia Tech kick MTSU's butt. We were hoping for a different outcome, but that is what we witnessed. lol I went to school there (MTSU) and a buddy of mine had an extra ticket. It was also good to see him. I ran into several of my old friends there. The kids had a blast. My 9 year old has decided she wants to go to college there. "How old do I have to be to go to college?"
> 
> I may have some tickets to take them to one of the Titans' games. One of our vendors at work offered 3 tickets for a customer appreciation day. I told him if he can make it 4, I'll take them. I wouldn't even attempt to pick 2 to go with me and leave 1 of them out. I hope they are able to come up with that extra ticket. They are for a skybox, fully catered, etc. Let's see weasel boy try to compete with that. :rofl:


Sweet. I'm stuck in Rams country so..... would like to find the time go to a game when the 49ers come to town though. Man I miss Steve Young. LOL


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Well, the Titans game isn't going to happen. It is free food, great view, etc. However, upon talking to the person offering the tickets, it is also free alcohol. It is going to be one heck of a party, so not a good place to take the kids to. He said I can have tickets, it just won't be appropriate for kids. I told him no thanks. It sounds like a lot of fun, but I choose to do something with my kids whenever I get the chance.

It is very frustrating sharing the house. I'm working on some repairs hoping to increase the odds of selling it quickly. I still have about 5 houses within 100 yards of my house for sale, 3 of which adjoin my property. I can't wait to have everything settled and have my own place and everything that entails.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

UUGGGGHHHH! We had an argument this morning at the exchange. My stbxw just informed me that our daughter had been sitting on the steps and heard me cussing out her mother. Of course, she didn't fill in the reasoning I was so pissed off. How is it that she can do all of this BS, I get pissed and cuss her out, and I'm being verbally and emotionally abusive? She mentioned today that she is not having an affair. We are separated, so it isn't an affair. What the hell is that? OK, we are living in separate residences, but we are still married for now. That makes it not an affair? Whatever! I'm just so ready for this **** to be done. Maybe I should just take the hit on selling the house as is with too much competition. I'll eventually recover financially, but if I have to interact with her too much more, I may not be able to recover emotionally. It just pisses me off so much that she has made her choice for this affair and I have to pay too many consequences for her actions. I only get to see my kids part time. I'll have to pay her alimony for a while. I get to look like the bad guy in front of my daughter. (OK. I shouldn't have been cussing her out. I just can't tell my daughter the reason because I'm not supposed to say anything bad to the kids about their mother. So, while I feel I was fully justified in everything I said, I will not be able to give that justification to my daughter.) The **** just keeps piling on. I feel like I'm totally losing my mind. Damn, I hate these days.


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## Powerbane (Nov 8, 2010)

Its an affair until you D. 

Keep all thoughts and verbalized thoughts to yourself especially around kids. 

How's it coming on the D papers? Has weasel boy moved in yet?


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Powerbane said:


> Its an affair until you D.
> 
> Keep all thoughts and verbalized thoughts to yourself especially around kids.
> 
> ...



My thoughts exactly on the affair. I don't know what she thinks it is called at this point.

I know. I have been doing a pretty good job of keeping quiet. This morning, I thought the kids were all still sleeping. I had just looked in on them and they were sound asleep. I'm really kicking myself in the ass that she heard. 

Still working on the asset division and home repair. I'm going to take a beating on selling it, so I want to at least fix it up some to help minimize the blow. I patched some holes in the wall this weekend. (Wonder where they came from? lol) 

As far as I know, weasel boy is still living in Denver. 

I hope you are doing well.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Do you really have to sell the house? If there isn't much equity in the home, why not let her have it and take something else in exchange. If she can't afford it and/or doesn't want it, then you keep it. Might be good as the price is down right now and so you wouldn't have to give her much for her half.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

HurtinginTN said:


> UUGGGGHHHH! We had an argument this morning at the exchange. My stbxw just informed me that our daughter had been sitting on the steps and heard me cussing out her mother. Of course, she didn't fill in the reasoning I was so pissed off. How is it that she can do all of this BS, I get pissed and cuss her out, and I'm being verbally and emotionally abusive? She mentioned today that she is not having an affair. We are separated, so it isn't an affair. What the hell is that? OK, we are living in separate residences, but we are still married for now. That makes it not an affair? Whatever! I'm just so ready for this **** to be done. Maybe I should just take the hit on selling the house as is with too much competition. I'll eventually recover financially, but if I have to interact with her too much more, I may not be able to recover emotionally. It just pisses me off so much that she has made her choice for this affair and I have to pay too many consequences for her actions. I only get to see my kids part time. I'll have to pay her alimony for a while. I get to look like the bad guy in front of my daughter. * (OK. I shouldn't have been cussing her out. I just can't tell my daughter the reason because I'm not supposed to say anything bad to the kids about their mother. So, while I feel I was fully justified in everything I said, I will not be able to give that justification to my daughter.)* The **** just keeps piling on. I feel like I'm totally losing my mind. Damn, I hate these days.



I wouldnt be too concerned about getting angry at your wife within earshot of your daughter this morning. As your daughter gets older she will remember that you were not happy with your wife's behavior -- and that's good.

Your kids should sense or know by now something is not right. 

Hopefully as they get older, they will know both sides of the story.


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

SadSamIAm said:


> Do you really have to sell the house? If there isn't much equity in the home, why not let her have it and take something else in exchange. If she can't afford it and/or doesn't want it, then you keep it. Might be good as the price is down right now and so you wouldn't have to give her much for her half.


I was thinking the same thing. After all, since Hurting's wife doesn't work, it would seem he can afford the house on his own. Might also go a long way towards getting full/primary custody, in that the kids aren't uprooted and get to stay in the same household they've been in. Between that and, y'know, not being the one to conduct an affair, including abandoning the kids and using the family's only means of transportation to drive halfway across the country for a two week booty call, sounds like a great argument for Hurting being able to provide the kids with the best environment.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

SadSamIAm said:


> Do you really have to sell the house? If there isn't much equity in the home, why not let her have it and take something else in exchange. If she can't afford it and/or doesn't want it, then you keep it. Might be good as the price is down right now and so you wouldn't have to give her much for her half.



Well, we were barely able to afford the house before all of this mess. With child support, alimony, etc., I will not be able to afford it. However, if those things were not in the picture, perhaps I could afford it for now and sell it when (if) the market ever picks back up. I did read an article that a major factory in the area is supposed to start production again around the first of the year. If that happens, the ghost town may actually start having more living beings, which need houses. I'll see if I can work out a way to do that.

Another problem is that we do have a fair amount of equity. Selling the house, even at today's estimated price, would give us enough cash out to pretty much both start fresh by paying off most, if not all, of the debt. I suppose I could try to find a way to buy out her half of the equity. Thank you for suggesting that, as it gives me another possibility to consider.


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

With rates where they are, you could also refinance to lower your monthly payment. One spouse can trade off something else as a buyout (401k, stock, future agreed value at time of sale, etc). It doesnt have to be cash. Also, the way the market is these days you dont know if you will truly be able to get a decent price and you both lose.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Sod said:


> Also, the way the market is these days you dont know if you will truly be able to get a decent price and you both lose.


Yeah, I know. I go back and forth on just wanting out and forget the financial loss to be patient and try to minimize the financial devastation.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

There was a funny occurrence this weekend. I feel kind of foolish for it, but it is actually pretty funny. I've been stepping up my work around the house. No, not in an effort to win her back. My motivation is really so she can't say she does all the laundry, etc. I was drying a load of clothes she had put in the washer. I came across this black, kind of lacy thing with a tie around it. I couldn't figure out exactly what it was. It was a more coarse lace as opposed to a fine lace lingerie type. However, the only thing my mind could come up with was a sexy outfit she had taken on her weekend with OM. Obviously, that got me pissed off and I almost threw it away. I folded it and left it on the dryer.

The next day, I was drying another load and my daughter was helping me. She picked the black thing up and tied it around her neck like a shawl. I thought, "Oh great, my daughter is playing with the outfit my wife wore for OM." I asked where that came from. Her friend had given it to her. It actually IS designed to be worn as a shawl. Well, I felt pretty stupid. Anyway, thought I would throw that out for anyone needing a good laugh this morning.


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

HurtinginTN said:


> Well, we were barely able to afford the house before all of this mess. With child support, alimony, etc., I will not be able to afford it. However, if those things were not in the picture, perhaps I could afford it for now and sell it when (if) the market ever picks back up. I did read an article that a major factory in the area is supposed to start production again around the first of the year. If that happens, the ghost town may actually start having more living beings, which need houses. I'll see if I can work out a way to do that.
> 
> Another problem is that we do have a fair amount of equity. Selling the house, even at today's estimated price, would give us enough cash out to pretty much both start fresh by paying off most, if not all, of the debt. I suppose I could try to find a way to buy out her half of the equity. Thank you for suggesting that, as it gives me another possibility to consider.


Look at it from this perspective, Hurting:

IF you keep the house (possibly with a refi), and that helps in getting primary or full custody, there won't be a child support expense. As for (grrrr...you know where I stand on this subject in general) alimony, I wonder what that number would be like in comparison to the expenses already being paid for an extra person (your stbxw)? Possibly the only difference is that those expenses would be much the same, just separately paid directly to her as money instead of food, utilities, clothes, etc.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

You may also want to check with an attorney skilled in asset/property issues. My cousin is a property/real estate attorney, and he has been quite helpful in my situation. My estranged husband basically abandoned our family home. After all the things he did to destroy us financially, there was no way I could continue the payments. I've been basically in this house for two years with no payments while the bank fumbles with foreclosure. As my cousin says foreclosure is a great option for me. We live in a high foreclosure area and mediation is required. Once we get to that point my cousin says my monthly payments should be no more than a few hundred dollars a month. That's much better than the $2,200/month we were paying.

Clearly foreclosure or bankruptcy might not be an option for you, but perhaps expert advice could give you more options.


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## MrQuatto (Jul 7, 2010)

Hurt, I take it the kids don't know what is happening? I kno wI am often in the minority but I think the kids should be told if they are over 10. They are old enough to know right from wrong then, the don't have to know the gory details but they should at least know that mommy is kissing someone other than daddy and daddy isn't going to stand for that and is leaving.

Kids aren't stupid, they may be ignorant of the specifics but they already KNOW something is happening and wrong.

Q~


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

MrQuatto said:


> Hurt, I take it the kids don't know what is happening? I kno wI am often in the minority but I think the kids should be told if they are over 10. They are old enough to know right from wrong then, the don't have to know the gory details but they should at least know that mommy is kissing someone other than daddy and daddy isn't going to stand for that and is leaving.
> 
> Kids aren't stupid, they may be ignorant of the specifics but they already KNOW something is happening and wrong.
> 
> Q~


They do know. I've never mentioned and neither have they any specifics, even "kissing". They are 8, 9, and 11. They have known for a long time she had a "boyfriend", what his name was, that they played online, etc. They knew when she went to Colorado for 2 weeks. They knew when she met him in a hotel in Clarksville a few weeks ago. She has tried spinning things with them. 

What I was told a couple of nights ago:

Mommy says you are emotionally and mentally abusive and that's why she found a man that isn't, (OM's name). 

I said that is a crock. "Well, you threw the modem against the wall, punched holes in the wall, and have cussed at her."

I admitted to those things. However, I pointed out that the affair had been going on for a long time before those things. Each of those few times had to do with the affair. They aren't getting the whole story.

She accuses me of trashing her to the kids since they knew where she was. I point out that her actions, not my words, are trashing her. It's like talking to a brick wall. She has totally re-written history in her mind to the point that I think she actually believes it. (I punched a hole in the wall, therefore she sought out an affair. In reality, I punched a hole in the wall after watching her chat very explicitly for hours online with her boyfriend while sitting in McDonald's as she thought I was at a bar playing pool.)

The kids know. I don't know how much of the actual activities they have put together, but they know the relationship between their mother and OM is not right and that is the reason we are getting a divorce. My 9 year olds eyes got big when she was talking about her mother being in a hotel with him. She said, "Daddy, are there 2 beds in the hotel room?" I said I don't know. "There better be." They either know the gory details or will put them together later on without me having to divulge anything.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

MrQuatto said:


> Hurt, I take it the kids don't know what is happening? I kno wI am often in the minority but I think the kids should be told if they are over 10. They are old enough to know right from wrong then, the don't have to know the gory details but they should at least know that mommy is kissing someone other than daddy and daddy isn't going to stand for that and is leaving.
> 
> Kids aren't stupid, they may be ignorant of the specifics but they already KNOW something is happening and wrong.
> 
> Q~


Yeah, I agree.

What have the kids been told?

They may be extremely confused.

If your wife truly believes what she`s doing isn`t an affair why is she reluctant to tell them the truth?

Edit:

NM must remember to read the whole thread.


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## kitkat1 (Sep 14, 2011)

I've been reading your post from the beginning.....which took a lot of time and I'm surprised I read it through all the way. I love the advice everyone is giving you and that you have a site like this to bounce ideas and your feelings off. My heart goes out to you and to anyone going through such a horrible thing. 

It seems to me that by holding onto the house (I get the financial issues, market in decline, timing, etc.) but it seems at this point that you are holding onto the house in an attempt to hold onto her. By holding onto the house you HAVE to see her every day or every other day for these exchanges. It would seem to make more sense to me to sell the house - cut your losses - take the equity and split it and get on with yourselves already. I can almost predict what is going to happen here if you stay in that house and keep these exchanges up. Her affair is not going to work out and will fall part soon, she will be seeking love and comfort from someone and will start being nice to you and you will eventually caving in and try the R deal which won't succeed and you will burn another 3-6 months doing that then have to start all over again with all the pain and torture you've been putting yourself through......just some thoughts.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

kitkat, I see your point. I do still get the idea of reconciliation going through my head from time to time. It passes much more quickly and comes around a lot less often than it used to. There has been too much damage done for me to consider it. There has been too much re-writing of history for her to consider it. It's been on the news lately that a local plant that laid off 2,000 workers a couple of years ago will be hiring about 600 workers back early next year and another 1,200 - 1,500 or so the next year. 600 jobs at $60,000 per year (guess) = $3.6 million annually in the local economy. For 2013 and thereafter, it will be about $10 million per year. That's a lot of dough for a fairly small town. I don't want to hold onto the house for a couple more years to wait for that extra cash to float around hopefully easing some of the housing problems though. 

I keep looking at my different options. None of them look too good at this point. I know I need to get moving on the Divorce. Heck, what is an extra $20k on the house going to do for me if I've already starved to death from lack of appetite? I need to start moving on, in every way.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Just popping in to say hi, TN  Hope you are well


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## kitkat1 (Sep 14, 2011)

TN: You are telling the story of a million broken hearts of people who are either going through or who have gone through the roller coaster you are on. I get tears when I read these stories that will most likely one day be my story too....and like you I've made excuse after excuse as to why I hold on and refuse to abandon a sinking ship. 

It seems like you are stuck and using the house as an excuse to continue to be stuck. If you continue to wait, with the hope of a better housing market, you are trapped for another 6-9 months in this indecision place. You are saying one thing but your actions or lack of actions are telling another story. I know the decisions you are making right now are brutal and devastating and maybe you are feeling like you didn't try hard enough or something....but you've done nothing wrong....you've been more then fair with your wife and the options you've given her. Do you want to be stuck in limbo land for another 6-9 months? Is that what you want for yourself? Is that what you want your children to see? 

You have come so far from your original post with your feelings, attitude, emotions, acceptance, etc. Now to get stuck on the house issue...it's just sad. I hope that you find the courage to do what needs to be done. My prayers are with you.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Just popping in to say hi, TN  Hope you are well



Thanks, JB. Coming back up on this rollercoaster today. I decided to quit smoking today. I wrote it down on my calendar. I looked back at the other dates. It has been 7 months and 11 days since I found those damn google searches. That is the day I started smoking again. I believe I'll quit today, put aside the money I had been spending on cigarettes, and go play some craps soon. 7 and 11 are good #'s for craps, lol. Unless you have already hit a point, then 7 is bad. Anyway, it sure doesn't seem like it has been that long.

kit, I know. I have thought of several different scenarios on the house from the advice others have been giving. I may be able to trade other assets for her equity in the home. I may be able to swing the mortgage for a while on my own. That way, I would be able to get both the divorce now and be able to sell the house when the market improves (hopefully). 

Either way, I have to get out of this toxic marriage. It is killing me. I wore a pair of shorts this weekend that I hadn't been able to get into for years. I had to wear a belt. It's time to stop losing weight and start putting some meat back on. lol 

I thought of one thing this morning that really sucks. All these years, I have always wanted sex about 1000 times more than she did. Now, I can't even start dating until the divorce is final. Then, I'll want to be in a relationship first. Realistically, no sex for me for at least another year or so. Punishment for morals? Her, on the other hand, has already had sex with her boyfriend in Denver and in Clarksville. They will be having sex whenever they get together, which will certainly be before I am in a relationship. And she never even wanted sex. Like I said before, there isn't anything at all fair about this BS.


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## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

Yeah but one thing about it hurtin is when all that is gone and the new has wore off she will be kicking her own self for what she thought was bad. And another thing you remained faithful to your vows that is something nobody can never take from you . My wife has been doing the same as yours but she has to answer for that not me.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Free longnecks tomorrow night, brother? I think I'll have to get the boots back out. Whiskey Dix Saloon in Murfreesboro has free long necks on Thursday nights til 11:00 pm. I believe I'll hit it tomorrow night.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

TN, why don't you sue for full custody of your children and to keep the house. Your wife could get her portion of the equity when you either sell the house, remarry or your youngest child reaches the age of 18. 

Also, are your children in public school? Did your wife get a job - if not, has she even looked?


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## MrQuatto (Jul 7, 2010)

HurtinginTN said:


> Either way, I have to get out of this toxic marriage. It is killing me. I wore a pair of shorts this weekend that I hadn't been able to get into for years. I had to wear a belt. It's time to stop losing weight and start putting some meat back on. lol


Yes, you are right on that. and you are also right that it is not fair. That's what sucks about situations like this. I know my words will be small comfort but one thing I can say, as will be backed by so many on here, that you ARE the better person for how you are handling this. It is hard all across the board, I know, and it will take a long LOOONG time to get to this point but there will come a day that you look back on this whole ordeal and not only can be, but WILL BE, proud that you were the better person through it all. 

Small consolation but consolation none the less, and... eventually that inner strength, that moral fiber, that course that you navigated will be not only acknowledged by others, such as family, children, friends, it my also be a role model and a source of advice for them when their times of trouble arise.

My $.02, as always 

Q~


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Kudos on quitting smoking! I wish you the strength to do it!
Ciggies are expensive (and unhealthy!)


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

HurtinginTN said:


> Free longnecks tomorrow night, brother? I think I'll have to get the boots back out. Whiskey Dix Saloon in Murfreesboro has free long necks on Thursday nights til 11:00 pm. I believe I'll hit it tomorrow night.


Damn! I'm moving there then. No free beer in Mo.


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## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

HurtinginTN said:


> Free longnecks tomorrow night, brother? I think I'll have to get the boots back out. Whiskey Dix Saloon in Murfreesboro has free long necks on Thursday nights til 11:00 pm. I believe I'll hit it tomorrow night.


Dang bro if I was off tommorow I would say hell yeah. Might have to do that next thurs.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

joe kidd said:


> Damn! I'm moving there then. No free beer in Mo.


The first time I went there was a month or so ago. I wondered why there was a $5 cover to an almost empty bar (my brother and I were there early). We got a little ticket for the first beer. I thought, well, that isn't too bad. Then I went to the bar for the second. The waitress gave it to me and walked away. I got her attention and tried to pay. She looked at me funny and said they are free til 11:00. I certainly drank my $5 worth. lol



Lostouthere said:


> Dang bro if I was off tommorow I would say hell yeah. Might have to do that next thurs.


I was hoping you would respond that way on my drive to work this morning. This is the second day of no smoking. The smoking area at Whiskey Dix is in front of the front door. I might want to give it a week before I go through the gauntlet. lol


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Kudos on quitting smoking! I wish you the strength to do it!
> Ciggies are expensive (and unhealthy!)


Thanks, JB. A few hours into day 2 now. Yeah, they are expensive, unhealthy, etc. Plus, there are some women that wouldn't date a man who smokes, I understand. Stopping now will widen the market when I get ready to go on the prowl again.


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

HurtinginTN said:


> Thanks, JB. A few hours into day 2 now. Yeah, they are expensive, unhealthy, etc. Plus, there are some women that wouldn't date a man who smokes, I understand. Stopping now will widen the market when I get ready to go on the prowl again.


I've tried. Always find a reason not to. I'm not pleasant when I quit so I will try again when Pidge and I have surer footing. I have enough in my life setting me off right now, no need to magnify it.  ( I know another lame excuse)


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

I hope the best for both of you. You have both been a great help to me and others. I told the kids last night that I wanted a cigarette. My daughter said she hopes I don't get all crabby. I jumped up waving my arms and yelling, I AM NOT CRABBY! WHY WOULD YOU SAY I WAS CRABBY!!! They got a kick out of it. Of course, they could tell I was kidding. Give me a few days and I might really have that reaction. :rofl:

I think I will start putting aside the cost of a pack every other day or so. That is how often I have been buying them. That might give me even more incentive. When the "quit smoking" fund builds up, I believe I'll treat myself to a trip to Tunica with it. That seems like a nice reason to quit in itself.


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## kitkat1 (Sep 14, 2011)

Great job on giving up smoking - true that some women don't want to date a smoker...always been my policy but I've never dated a smoker before so I don't really know, but at least you are making progress in the right direction - which is DOING YOU. Giving up smoking...going through a divorce all at the same time is very challenging I'm sure! Keep up the good work


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

HurtinginTN said:


> I hope the best for both of you. You have both been a great help to me and others. I told the kids last night that I wanted a cigarette. My daughter said she hopes I don't get all crabby. I jumped up waving my arms and yelling, I AM NOT CRABBY! WHY WOULD YOU SAY I WAS CRABBY!!! They got a kick out of it. Of course, they could tell I was kidding. Give me a few days and I might really have that reaction. :rofl:
> 
> I think I will start putting aside the cost of a pack every other day or so. That is how often I have been buying them. That might give me even more incentive. When the "quit smoking" fund builds up, I believe I'll treat myself to a trip to Tunica with it. That seems like a nice reason to quit in itself.


They are breaking ground on a new casino 8 mi from me. Sounds like a good idea.... quit, save the money and have some to gamble when it finally opens. I was teasing her saying when it does I'm quitting my job and playing poker full time. :smthumbup: Seriously though I think I could make a good living from it. BTW are you just going cold turkey or using a stop smoking aid?


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

joe kidd said:


> BTW are you just going cold turkey or using a stop smoking aid?


Cold turkey. I finished a pack on the way home Monday night. I decided I wouldn't buy another. I had been smoking more and more, 3/4 to 1 pack a day recently. I imagine I will get pretty crabby, but so far, I'm hanging in there. Maybe quitting smoking will also help with the weight loss. I've always heard a lot of people gain weight when they quit smoking. Now, if I can just discipline myself to hit the weights and add the weight in the right places, I'll be doing OK. I was doing OK with that for a while, but lately I haven't had much motivation to work out.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Day 3 of no smoking. It's kind of weird. It's like I'm also giving up all hope of reconciliation at the same time. I'm starting fresh in several different ways. I feel much stronger today than I have in quite a while. I can live without cigarettes. I can live without her. Eventually, I'll have to work on my obsession with this site and wean myself off here, too. lol Seriously, I probably do spend too much time here, but it is therapeutic.

I've had a facebook account for quite a while, but have never done anything with it. I had 5 or 6 friends on it, pretty much just her family. I'm not sure why we ever set it up since neither one of us ever posted anything there or anything. No pics, etc. 

Anyway, I've started looking on there at friends, etc. and added several friends this week. There are a lot of good-looking single women on the "suggested friend" list. Lots have 1 friend in common, which is a liquor store owned by my brother-in-law. Lots have 1 in common, my niece. I'm going to have to talk to her about some of these girls next time I see her.  Who needs a dating site when you have f_c_book? What are those other 2 letters? lol Maybe being single won't be so bad, after all.


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## kitkat1 (Sep 14, 2011)

Great job on the no smoking!! You have nothing to feel guilty about getting out there and mingling.....she had no problem doing it! I too find this site very therapeutic - it's amazing how many people are going through similar circumstances - the numbers are astonishing! Makes you wonder whatever happened to Integrity, Morals, Ethics, Loyalty....it's a different world we are living in. Keep up the good work


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Nickelback - Rockstar - I've listened to it a dozen times today. Got a heck of a tricep workout, can't hardly type. That part at the beginning sums it up for me. "this life hasn't turned out quite the way I want it to be." The way the dude looks on the video there at first looks how I feel. "It's the bottom of the ninth and I'm never going to win."

New start. No smokes. No woman that would prefer a little weasel. Working out to take the place of the cigs. Doing what I want for a change. First day of the rest of my life. It's kind of crazy. Like someone else has posted, sometimes the good days just seem to come out of nowhere. I feel like I've smoked some killer weed. I feel high as a kite and I haven't even seen any in months. I guess when you get so damn low, normal feels awesome.


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

HurtinginTN said:


> Nickelback - Rockstar - I've listened to it a dozen times today. Got a heck of a tricep workout, can't hardly type. That part at the beginning sums it up for me. "this life hasn't turned out quite the way I want it to be." The way the dude looks on the video there at first looks how I feel. "It's the bottom of the ninth and I'm never going to win."
> 
> New start. No smokes. No woman that would prefer a little weasel. Working out to take the place of the cigs. Doing what I want for a change. First day of the rest of my life. It's kind of crazy. Like someone else has posted, sometimes the good days just seem to come out of nowhere. I feel like I've smoked some killer weed. I feel high as a kite and I haven't even seen any in months. I guess when you get so damn low, normal feels awesome.


Good for you. I'm doing 12oz curls at the moment. If you want some workout music put in Megadeth Rust in Peace. Used to play that and work the heavybag.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

joe kidd said:


> Good for you. I'm doing 12oz curls at the moment. If you want some workout music put in Megadeth Rust in Peace. Used to play that and work the heavybag.


I need to get a bag. My FIL has one and I don't think he uses it. I've thought about that often when I really wanted to hit something. A bag is much better than a wall. It doesn't require any patching later on. lol. 

I might do some 12 oz. curls later also. I hope you have a good weekend. Hang in there, man. I hope you and Pidge are both doing well.


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

HurtinginTN said:


> I need to get a bag. My FIL has one and I don't think he uses it. I've thought about that often when I really wanted to hit something. A bag is much better than a wall. It doesn't require any patching later on. lol.
> 
> I might do some 12 oz. curls later also. I hope you have a good weekend. Hang in there, man. I hope you and Pidge are both doing well.


Thanks. Yeah get that bag it helps. You have my number if you need anything man.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

I appreciate it. When this cigarette fund gets high enough to warrant a trip to Tunica, we'll have to hit one of those poker tables.


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

HurtinginTN said:


> I appreciate it. When this cigarette fund gets high enough to warrant a trip to Tunica, we'll have to hit one of those poker tables.


Deal. LOL (pun intended).


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## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

HurtinginTN said:


> I appreciate it. When this cigarette fund gets high enough to warrant a trip to Tunica, we'll have to hit one of those poker tables.


Hey hey dont leave me out lol


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

TAM Tunica trip? A while back, the girls had a GNO on here. At least, I saw the planning for it. We'll have to have a boy's poker run. I volunteer to NOT be the DD. :rofl:


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

Lostouthere said:


> Hey hey dont leave me out lol


Hell no! I need your money too. :smthumbup: The more the merrier. Hell we will run the table!


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

HurtinginTN said:


> TAM Tunica trip? A while back, the girls had a GNO on here. At least, I saw the planning for it. We'll have to have a boy's poker run. I volunteer to NOT be the DD. :rofl:


No DD for me either. We will just play enough for them to give us a discount on rooms.


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## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

joe kidd said:


> Hell no! I need your money too. :smthumbup: The more the merrier. Hell we will run the table!


That sounds like a good plan lol.


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## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

joe kidd said:


> No DD for me either. We will just play enough for them to give us a discount on rooms.


No DD for me either need to be in walking distance lol


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Actually, they do give nice discounts on the rooms. The last time I went, we got a very nice room at the Grand (old name, now Harrah's) for about $50 per night on the weekend. It's cheaper through the week. Normally, that room goes for about $200 per night. The requirement was only 4 hours of play in the poker room. They have shuttles to take you from the hotel to the casino also. No DD even needed!


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

How do you like my new home? Who needs a house? Give me a poncho, fishing equipment, a gun and some ammo, and a knife and I'm good. lol Who cares how the divorce works out financially. I lived out of a tent for months in the desert. I don't require too much.

Another best day ever, according to the kids. I found out the Kentucky Headhunters were going to be at a local festival tonight. We went and had a ball. I used to have a cassette tape of them and danced to several of their songs in the clubs years ago. My girls danced in front of the stage tonight. The singer mentioned them a couple of different times. The guitar players handed them picks. I danced the sweetheart schottice (sp?) with my daughter to one of their songs. One of them reached out and shook my hand at the end of the song saying the dancing was awesome. Afterward, we got autographs and talked to them. I had a friend with a booth, so I went to help him a little. When we came back by, the band was getting a picture with someone. We asked that they enthusiastically agreed to a picture with my kids. Not only did they get autographs, they got a picture with just them and the band. It was pretty awesome! 

The kids are great. If it wasn't for me, they wouldn't have seen the concert. If it wasn't for the kids, I never would have shaken the hands of the men in the band and talked to them. We all had an absolute blast.

I wonder how their mother's phone conversation with loverboy across the country tonight compared? :rofl:


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## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

Nice HTN I bet her convo was not near as fun. I feel about the same way you do on that stuff. Ive had a little money and Ive had none so just take it in stride.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

I'm not worried about the money. I could live just fine in a tent. Don't worry, I will have acceptable accomodations for my time with the kids. Just a tent on my nights alone, lol. 

Thursday night in the 'Boro looking good for anyone? Whiskey Dix opens at 7:00. Free long necks til 11:00. I'll be at the back corner pool table around 7:30 or so with a long neck Bud (and hopefully with a long - legged blond, lol).


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

boo!!!  hey now brunettes are much more fun.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Wow! It looks like you're getting back into LIFE again. It's funny how time opens up when you stop catering to her selfish needs.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

Have you filed yet TN? Have you moved your kids into public school? Has your wife found a job? Please update if you are so inclined.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

paramore said:


> boo!!!  hey now brunettes are much more fun.


lol. Brunettes are welcome as well! I was just thinking about you this morning. It's been a while and I was wondering how you were doing. I hope everything is going well for you. Still on the farm or did you get an apartment? Have you filed yet? I think last time we talked you were waiting on something to go through.

No, I haven't filed yet. I'm not in a big rush. It doesn't really matter to me what is on paper. She emotionally divorced me long ago. I feel the same way. I want to get the ball rolling, but I don't want to talk to her. I also don't want to blow a few grand on attorneys. Like I said, I'm not in a hurry. I'm happy with the custody split as it is right now. As long as I'm seeing my kids as much as possible, I don't care about any of the rest. Those details will work themselves out. I'm also trying to decide on the best thing to do with the house. I have been working on it to make it more ready to sell.

I have had a facebook account for years, but never did anything with it. No pictures, only some of her family as friends, etc. I started adding things this weekend. My daughter had some pics on her digital camera and we added them. Actually, my avatar is from there as well. It was one weekend at the river my daughter took a picture of our little setup. When we got ready to go to the festival Saturday night, my daughters both said, "I like that shirt, Daddy. You look good in it." I said, OK, let's take a picture in this for my facebook profile. We did. I've started adding friends and looking up some folks. My sister-in-law's husband is part owner of a liquor store in town. The store is one of my friends. There are quite a few attractive women that pop up on the possible friends where we have the liquor store as a common friend.

Anyway, yes, I am starting to get a life again. It does feel good. I'm not interested in a relationship anytime soon, but it is fun to get out.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

perhaps you aren't in a hurry to get divorced, but you should file for legal separation just to protect yourself so you won't be liable for her debts, etc. I know you say that you don't care about money, but what's to stop her from charging tons of money on credit cards for her weekends with Pillsbury and then sticking you with the bill?


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

karole said:


> what's to stop her from charging tons of money on credit cards for her weekends with Pillsbury and then sticking you with the bill?


Zero credit!

I thought this might sound like a male chauvinist point of view that "kept my woman in line by making sure she didn't have any credit". No, she had credit cards over the years. She just went right through to the limit and beyond. She thought Buzz Lightyear said, "To the limit and beyond!!!!" and took it to heart. lol The zero credit is from her habits, not me being controlling.


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## MrQuatto (Jul 7, 2010)

paramore said:


> boo!!!  hey now brunettes are much more fun.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My motto has always been, "A blond can get my attention, but a brunette keeps it."

:smthumbup:

Q~


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

She could open cards in your name. Better check your credit report. Sorry to be so skeptical, but I've seen it done so many times to unsuspecting husbands/wives.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

karole said:


> She could open cards in your name. Better check your credit report. Sorry to be so skeptical, but I've seen it done so many times to unsuspecting husbands/wives.


It is sufficiently ruined as well. I couldn't get a loan for a bike a while back when I tried. Even if she wanted to, there isn't much damage she can do.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

One week of no smoking! I just looked back at my journal. A week ago I wrote, " Quitting smoking and "wife's name" today. This is the first day of the rest of my life." There has been no contact except for a few cordial conversations relating to the kids. 

A week ago, I had about 7 friends on Facebook. All of them were members of my stbxw's family. There were no pictures, etc. Now, there are some pictures, including some from my awesome weekend with the kids. I have 35 friends. That is nothing compared to the hundreds most seem to have, but not bad for 1 week starting from scratch searching for folks I haven't seen in years. I've not even tapped into the many friends I have made on here. These new ones came mainly from searching my home town, high school, etc. Once people started adding me as their friend, I searched their friends and sent other requests. It's pretty cool how it works. I know Facebook is a dirty word here since it was a tool in many of the affairs here. I would probably feel the same way if Facebook had been used in my case instead of Spadester. I do think Facebook is an enemy of marriage. However, it does look like it will be a whole lot of fun for a single man. The dating scene has changed a lot in 15 years. lol

I checked out a new bar that 2 of my new FB friends had down as a friend. Mondy night, the very attractive bartender (whose divorce becomes final November 4th) got a call from her daughter who has asthma. She was freaking out since her breathing treatment was at the babysitter's house. I told her I'll go get it and take it to her. My son has asthma and I know how you feel. She called back and her daughter was doing better. Another bartender came in a few minutes and she left.

I stopped back by last night to see if she was there. Her daughter was fine. We talked a bit. There was an attractive lady sitting next to me at the bar. After a bit, we started talking. She is a pre-med major and we talked about how intricate the human body was. I mentioned that happy tears and sad tears are chemically different (Thanks, Pit! :smthumbup. I was thinking, "Man, this is fun. An intelligent conversation with an attractive lady." Then, somehow something came out and I mentioned the divorce. I thought, "Great, here you are having a nice conversation with a pretty lady and you blow it by mentioning the divorce and kids. She's going to run for the door." She just looked at me and said, "Yeah, me too." She told me about her daughter and even showed me pics on her phone. lol She is also going through a divorce. Her husband cheated on her. 

Boys, this roller coaster ride looks like it may have a very fun ending! We didn't buy tickets for this ride. We have gone through hell on this ride. We deserve some fun and I believe it is coming for all of us. 

Now, what are the rules about dating afterward? Don't want a re-bound relationship. Don't want to wait years to date. Set a limit up front? No more than 2 dates with a particular girl for at least a year? Does that sound feasible? 

I kind of like the new set of problems! Gents, there really is some light at the end of the tunnel. I'm starting to see it more and more clearly. I got dibs on the blond on the right. lol Wait a minute, that brunette looks as good as Paramore. You can have the blonde. :rofl:


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

Good for you. As they say, don't blame the tool for the bad work performed by the person using it. Facebook itself is not the devil, its the morally bankrupt user who does use it for bad things. 

I think I am right there with you in thinking better days ahead. Definitely light at the end of the tunnel and I no longer think its a train coming to flatten me 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

HurtinginTN said:


> An intelligent conversation with an attractive lady." Then, somehow something came out and I mentioned the divorce. I thought, "Great, here you are having a nice conversation with a pretty lady and you blow it by mentioning the divorce and kids. She's going to run for the door." She just looked at me and said, "Yeah, me too." She told me about her daughter and even showed me pics on her phone. lol She is also going through a divorce. Her husband cheated on her. :


Hehe. Funny how sometimes you think LIFE is going to be a motherf-cker and it turns out being ok!! LOL. I remember during my own separation when I'd meet people or learn someone was going through a sep/divorce...I felt endeared to them. I was like, ME TOO!!! LOL. It felt...like a kinship under weird circumstances.

Re: dating/divorce--I say wait til you're fully divorced to begin doing that stuff. It's only fair to all parties involved. It's prob not a good idea to go straight from a marriage into a new relationshp so you can spend some time alone, review what went wrong in the marriage, your faults/partners' faults and work to correct the things you can. Get to know yourself again. Then move on, playa! 

I miss Paramore. If you are still in touch tell her Hello for me


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> I say wait til you're fully divorced to begin doing that stuff. It's only fair to all parties involved.


:iagree: I won't be dating until the divorce is final at all. Even after that, it'll be a good year or two before I consider getting into a serious relationship. If then. The more I look at this, the more I'm thinking I might just stay single a while. 

On that note, I thought about it this morning. My kids are my number 1 priority. They will remain my number 1 priority for the next 10 years or so. What woman would want to enter a relationship where she was number 1 a few days a week and number 4 the other days? How would I put another woman before my kids? Is 50 too old to start looking for a committed relationship? I guess that is too far into the future to think about right now, but that did cross my mind. Being single for 10 years, concentrating on my kids, and having an absolute blast both with them and the nights they are away don't sound too bad.



Jellybeans said:


> I miss Paramore. If you are still in touch tell her Hello for me


I hadn't heard from her in about 2 months. She had tried to work it out with her husband about the time I tried to work it out with my wife the last time. I believe both R's lasted about the same time (1 week or so). She posted on here yesterday, but that is all I've heard from her. I will tell her hello for you if I talk to her. Please do the same if you do.

Or maybe I'll just post about a hot blonde. That seemed to get her to react last time. lol


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## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

Hey you need to PM me where this bar is lol. I need to find some more to go too just to hang out.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Glad to hear you are doing well! Soooo, how come I was not invited on this little Tunica trip I heard about?....hmmmm?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

pidge70 said:


> Glad to hear you are doing well! Soooo, how come I was not invited on this little Tunica trip I heard about?....hmmmm?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Stay out of it woman! :rofl:


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Can't we plan a little boy time, please? I'm up to $15 in my cigarette / Tunica trip fund. That's about enough gas to get across town, lol. It'll be a little while before I'm ready to go. lol 

I hope you are doing well. This facebook thing is making me re-think my strategy. I keep finding friends on there and seeing friends of friends that make me seriously wonder why I should wait until the divorce is final before I start dating. :rofl: I wasn't in a hurry to make it final, but with sooooo much opportunity out there, I'm not getting any younger.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

joe kidd said:


> Stay out of it woman! :rofl:


:rofl: You beat me to the response. lol


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

joe kidd said:


> Stay out of it woman! :rofl:


You are such an asshat!....lol
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

Well keep building your tunica fund Im working on mine I think I got .68 cents lol. 

And where is that bar at


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Lostouthere said:


> Hey you need to PM me where this bar is lol. I need to find some more to go too just to hang out.


I'll just put it here in case anyone else lives in the area and would like to come out. If I'm not supposed to post details here, someone please let me know and I'll send it in a private message. I don't work there and I am not receiving any funding for advertisement. 

Whiskey Dix Saloon
302 W. Main Street
Murfreesboro, TN

I don't know where you will be coming from. It's just off the square. If you are familiar with the 'boro, turn on Main Street from Broad toward the square. It's on the left just before the court house.

I like to do the two-step, cowboy cha-cha, sweetheart schottische, etc. There used to be Rodeo's and Silverado's in Nashville as well as Denim & Diamond's in ******* (city near Nashville. Don't know why it was *'d unless it is because it is a common female name). There was also City Limits in Murfreesboro. Rodeo's and Denim & Diamond's have shut down. Silverado's and City Limits (renamed to something else) are both only open on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. I have my kids on those nights. Whiskey Dix has mainly a younger crowd (90% are half my age or younger, lol), but it's the only place I've found to do any dancing on the nights I'm available. If you know of others, I'd like to check them out as well.

It's a pretty nice place. The crowd don't start picking up until around 9:30 or 10:00. By 10:30 or so, the line is out in the street.


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## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

Good deal. Im familiar with the boro so I will have to check that out. Those others I am familiar with. Ill try and think of a few more to add to the list lol.


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

> There used to be Rodeo's and Silverado's in Nashville as well as Denim & Diamond's in ******* (city near Nashville. Don't know why it was *'d unless it is because it is a common female name).


I bet that "common female name" starts with "ash" or "mad," right? If so, both are flagged in the language filter because, together, they form the name of an infamous personals web site that caters to cheaters looking to hook up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Grayson said:


> I bet that "common female name" starts with "ash" or "mad," right?


Yes, Mad****.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

What,, no moshpit?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

^ Shoo, your avatar looks like he's been in several mosh pits. You need a smiling avatar, something FUN & light! 

The Whiskey Dix Saloon is a cool name. There's a little bar around here called Lil Miss Whiskeys that I think is a riot (the name and the place).


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

HurtinginTN said:


> Yes, Mad****.


there's a cheaters dating website that gets filtered here


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Shooboomafoo said:


> What,, no moshpit?


It turns into something similar to a moshpit later in the night. Country couples and line dancing til around midnight or so. Turn the lights down and play "shake your ass" music later on. I've never stayed til closing. I am probably too old to handle 2:00 in the morning there. :rofl:

I have a new friend on Facebook that wants to meet up tonight. She may come by Whiskey Dix. She's invited me to another bar later in the evening. Good looking 25 year old. It could be a very interesting night.:smthumbup:


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

OK, Where is that brake? What was that about waiting to date until the divorce is over? Where is that logical thinking part of my brain? Whoa, nellie, whoa! 

This reminds me of when I got back from Saudi Arabia after Desert Storm. The officers and such warned us that our tolerance level to alcohol was absolutely zero. Even if we could handle a 12-pack fine before we left, we should limit ourselves to a beer or two at first. It would hit us much harder after no alcohol for months. We got back and I went to call my girlfriend. By the time I got back to the barracks (probably 30 minutes), my best friend was passed out drunk spread eagle on the floor in his drawers. I got him up on his cot and later, he started mumbling something. "Tolerance level is zero."

My "tolerance level is zero" to attention from an attractive female. A few Facebook messages and that Dopamine is rushing around in my brain so much that I think some just sloshed out of my ears. lol My hands are actually sweating. Holy cow! Isn't that insane?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

HurtinginTN said:


> . By the time I got back to the barracks (probably 30 minutes), my best friend was passed out drunk spread eagle on the floor in his drawers. I got him up on his cot and later, he started mumbling something. "Tolerance level is zero."


:rofl: Hilarious!

Yeah now that you are an almost free man, you start to new notice the ladies a lil more. It's natural. I remember when a hot guy gave me his # soon after my divore. I hadn't even said hello to him, was just sitting, minding my business. I was like, "Oh yeaaah! I've still got it!"


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

HurtinginTN said:


> OK, Where is that brake? What was that about waiting to date until the divorce is over? Where is that logical thinking part of my brain? Whoa, nellie, whoa!
> 
> This reminds me of when I got back from Saudi Arabia after Desert Storm. The officers and such warned us that our tolerance level to alcohol was absolutely zero. Even if we could handle a 12-pack fine before we left, we should limit ourselves to a beer or two at first. It would hit us much harder after no alcohol for months. We got back and I went to call my girlfriend. By the time I got back to the barracks (probably 30 minutes), my best friend was passed out drunk spread eagle on the floor in his drawers. I got him up on his cot and later, he started mumbling something. "Tolerance level is zero."
> 
> My "tolerance level is zero" to attention from an attractive female. A few Facebook messages and that Dopamine is rushing around in my brain so much that I think some just sloshed out of my ears. lol My hands are actually sweating. Holy cow! Isn't that insane?


My take isn't necessarily correct, but if the other lady knows the score, you're both consenting adults. My ex held out almost 3 years on the divorce. I didn't live with him, didn't sleep with him, ticked off separated on tax return and I told upfront my marital status. I dated. It's nice to see you cutting loose.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

She knows the score. We know each other quite well, maybe too well. My brother was married to her sister. They have been divorced probably 8 years or so. I went to high school with her oldest sister. This sister is the one that taught me many of the country dances I'll be doing tonight. 

The last time I saw her was probably about 7 or 8 years ago. She was about 16 or 17. I hadn't seen her in several years before that. I was quite shocked that the little girl I had known had grown up to be so attractive. I said she probably didn't remember me. She said, "How could I forget? You looked so hot in your Marine Corps uniform." Yeah, that stuck with me. My wife and I had a fight about that. There was absolutely nothing inappropriate and that was the extent of the conversation. It did stick with me because my wife never made me feel attractive and here was this girl I hadn't seen in years that was almost grown that was attracted to me. 

Now, she is in her mid-20's. I'm still a lot older, but she seems to still have that attraction. And she looks damn good!!!!


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

HurtinginTN said:


> She knows the score. We know each other quite well, maybe too well. My brother was married to her sister. They have been divorced probably 8 years or so. I went to high school with her oldest sister. This sister is the one that taught me many of the country dances I'll be doing tonight.
> 
> The last time I saw her was probably about 7 or 8 years ago. She was about 16 or 17. I hadn't seen her in several years before that. I was quite shocked that the little girl I had known had grown up to be so attractive. I said she probably didn't remember me. She said, "How could I forget? You looked so hot in your Marine Corps uniform." Yeah, that stuck with me. My wife and I had a fight about that. There was absolutely nothing inappropriate and that was the extent of the conversation. It did stick with me because my wife never made me feel attractive and here was this girl I hadn't seen in years that was almost grown that was attracted to me.
> 
> Now, she is in her mid-20's. I'm still a lot older, but she seems to still have that attraction. And she looks damn good!!!!


Well why not go out and have fun! You deserve to feel good about yourself!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

golfergirl said:


> Well why not go out and have fun! You deserve to feel good about yourself!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree::iagree:

Having a good time with someone is perfectly ok. Just enjoy


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Ok, Sod, I take back the "no such thing as too much adult beverage" comment. I guess it had just been so long since I had too much, I didn't remember. Or it could just be like you said, this old body don't handle it as well. I'll have to get in better shape if I want to party with 25 year olds! Maybe I'll start taking a nap after work and hitting the club when it gets going around 9:30 or 10:00.

It went well last night. It was very interesting. I ran into a lady I'd met there a few weeks ago and played some pool. I did tell her someone may be meeting me there. One of her friends came over and we talked a while. She is recently divorced (May) with 3 kids. We hit it off pretty well. My friend showed up and we sat at the bar, talking and drinking for a while. It was nice to see her. She left to go to another bar, which she had already planned. She had stopped by this one to see me first. :smthumbup: I ended up dancing with the recently divorced lady a few times. 

I also over-indulged on the free long-necks. I guess partly because I was pretty nervous. At some point, I didn't feel too good and went out to lay down in the van. I woke up several hours later and drove home. lol I haven't done that in a long time.

I sent her a simple Facebook message earlier saying, "It was nice to see you last night." She responded, "You, too! I had fun!" So, this is what detachment feels like. I wish I had started this process a lot sooner.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Ladies, let me ask you a question. Two of the 3 women I talked to last night are mothers where their "baby daddy" is not involved with the kids. As we were discussing the our kids and such I mentioned that I have mine every weekend and Wednesday nights. They both looked like I had just said I was a billionaire or something. (2 different conversations at 2 different times) 

There was a thread a while back where several of the ladies were talking about what they find attractive. Loyal was one. Does being a good dad hit that top 5 list as well?

I'm just curious. I try to be the best Dad in the world because I love my kids. Nothing will change that. I just wonder if there is an added bonus of this being very attractive to potential future dates. I was kind of surprised by the reaction I got last night and wonder how common it is.


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

HurtinginTN said:


> Ladies, let me ask you a question. Two of the 3 women I talked to last night are mothers where their "baby daddy" is not involved with the kids. As we were discussing the our kids and such I mentioned that I have mine every weekend and Wednesday nights. They both looked like I had just said I was a billionaire or something. (2 different conversations at 2 different times)
> 
> There was a thread a while back where several of the ladies were talking about what they find attractive. Loyal was one. Does being a good dad hit that top 5 list as well?
> 
> I'm just curious. I try to be the best Dad in the world because I love my kids. Nothing will change that. I just wonder if there is an added bonus of this being very attractive to potential future dates. I was kind of surprised by the reaction I got last night and wonder how common it is.


Outstanding. Man you can see your transformation as your threads progress. I can almost see the new confidence you have in the words you type. It's gotta be secretly killing your wife not to see the sad sack that was there 6 mos ago. :smthumbup:


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Thanks! This site has been a tremendous help. Like someone had mentioned recently, I had devoted my whole life to her and my kids for over 13 years. I had totally neglected myself and all relationships with friends, family, etc. In one week, I have about 75 friend on Facebook. I've had conversations with several of them. Some of these friends I haven't talked to in 20 years and we are talking about getting together.

Yeah, it is a whole new life.


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

So how're things going, Hurting? Its been a while since we've heard. Have you filed? How are the kids doing? Has the stbxw pulled any more of her shenanigans? Inquiring minds want to know. ;-)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Things are going pretty well. Neither one has filed yet. We've just kind of been moving on. We haven't fought or anything in a few weeks. We don't talk much and then it's about the kids, etc. I've been going out and meeting lots of old friends on Facebook. It's sad that I have 3 friends with cancer. I've run into several old flames, but they all have new names. lol I'd say I am about 90% detached emotionally. It is what it is. The future looks pretty interesting instead of scary like it used to.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

good to hear- when do you think the divorce will be final?


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> good to hear- when do you think the divorce will be final?


I don't know. It will be at least 4 months from the time we file. I'm not in a hurry. Sometimes, I think I should just go ahead and file and get it over with. But, that piece of paper doesn't really make any difference. I've seen so many that focus on the date the divorce is going to be final as if it is a magic pill that makes everything better. Several seem to be disappointed when it comes and nothing is magically better.

I'm moving on and focusing on becoming a better person all around. I won't be ready to date emotionally for a while. I feel better now than I have in a very long time. I've listened to Nickelback's song "If today was your last day" about a hundred times this past week or two. I recommend watching that video.


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

That piece of paper certainly does make a difference. Not in the state of your emotional relationship, but in the state of your legal relationship. As long as you're still married on paper, you still have certain legal obligations, rights, responsibilities and liberties that don't apply when you're actually divorced. Likewise, the longer the papers aren't filed, and you continue growing your social circle, the more ammunition she has to make you look bad and get her way in the divorce. You know the marriage is effectively dead. She knows it. We all know it. But the judge doesn't know it. I wouldn't want you to even give the illusion of giving up the high ground in light of what all she's done.

And what have we ever done to you but give advice, that you want to torture us with Nickleback? ;-)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## maxter (May 24, 2011)

HurtinginTN said:


> Things are going pretty well. Neither one has filed yet. We've just kind of been moving on. We haven't fought or anything in a few weeks. We don't talk much and then it's about the kids, etc. I've been going out and meeting lots of old friends on Facebook. It's sad that I have 3 friends with cancer. I've run into several old flames, but they all have new names. lol I'd say I am about 90% detached emotionally. It is what it is. The future looks pretty interesting instead of scary like it used to.


Good to hear you are moving on emotionally at least. I'm struggling with that the last two weeks. I've made all the 'moves' I can up to now (filed D, filed custody, got a place, half moved in) but I'm stuck living under the same roof as my STBXW and doing the 180 the best I can while tending to our children's daily needs. We basically pretend the other doesn't exist while we're both in the house together.

And I'm lonely. Very lonely right now. I long for the days past when I could hug my W or cuddle with her in bed. I feel like we both have severed the tether of our relationship but I'm continually drawn back to past memories and what I have lost. I pray for the future when I'm better able to cope with the detachment part of this life changing event.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

Grayson is most certainly correct. You should go ahead w/the divorce to protect yourself.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

HurtinginTN said:


> I don't know. It will be at least 4 months from the time we file. I'm not in a hurry. Sometimes, I think I should just go ahead and file and get it over with. But, that piece of paper doesn't really make any difference. I've seen so many that focus on the date the divorce is going to be final as if it is a magic pill that makes everything better. Several seem to be disappointed when it comes and nothing is magically better.
> 
> I'm moving on and focusing on becoming a better person all around. I won't be ready to date emotionally for a while. I feel better now than I have in a very long time. I've listened to Nickelback's song "If today was your last day" about a hundred times this past week or two. I recommend watching that video.


I'll probably be filing mine in a couple weeks, just waiting for the lawyer to finish writing it up. Yesterday for the first time I started to prepare myself emotionally specifically for the reality of making it all official - I think it will be emotional, but I'm not expecting it to have any affect on my ongoing life. No Nickelback for me


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

maxter said:


> Good to hear you are moving on emotionally at least. I'm struggling with that the last two weeks. I've made all the 'moves' I can up to now (filed D, filed custody, got a place, half moved in) but I'm stuck living under the same roof as my STBXW and doing the 180 the best I can while tending to our children's daily needs. We basically pretend the other doesn't exist while we're both in the house together.
> 
> And I'm lonely. Very lonely right now. I long for the days past when I could hug my W or cuddle with her in bed. I feel like we both have severed the tether of our relationship but I'm continually drawn back to past memories and what I have lost. I pray for the future when I'm better able to cope with the detachment part of this life changing event.


Maxter, I can relate... At this point I'm definitely ready to date "emotionally" ie I want to real bad, which probably means that psychologically I should keep myself away, but honestly the idea of being ready first has lost its lustre (not that it ever really had any). I think I have emotionally detached, but it seems the only way to tell for sure is by going out with a woman and not get hung up on the separation, kind of a catch 22, because without the confidence it seems impossible to meet a worthy woman to date, yet you don't want to settle for less knowing that you are just using someone... atleast having the divorce still in the future gives me the excuse to not worry about my failing attempt at getting out there!


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## sh0t (Sep 1, 2011)

The papers matter. Believe it.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Grayson said:


> And what have we ever done to you but give advice, that you want to torture us with Nickleback? ;-)


lol. That song and video rock. I do get what you are saying about the legal part of the divorce. I was not able to be amicable for a while. Even though we were already separated and everything, that last weekend trip she took reallllllyyyy set me back in several ways. The total separation with practically no contact has been good for me to get myself back together. 

I'm getting to where I can talk to her fine. We are civil. I did tell her a few nights ago that we should probably go ahead and get the paperwork completed and turned in.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

maxter said:


> And I'm lonely. Very lonely right now. I long for the days past when I could hug my W or cuddle with her in bed. I feel like we both have severed the tether of our relationship but I'm continually drawn back to past memories and what I have lost. I pray for the future when I'm better able to cope with the detachment part of this life changing event.


Yeah, the lonely part sucks. I've started getting on Facebook and reconnecting with old friends. That has kept me pretty busy. I have one in particular that I plan to start spending some more time with. I'm planning on going to help him with some yard work this weekend, if he is up to the company. I served with his brother in Desert Storm. He was killed shortly after we got back. My friend was at boot camp at the time. I served with him for several years as well. He has cancer and is getting chemotherapy today. He has kids about the same age as mine. I think I'll start going over to visit him a lot on the weekends. Maybe you can find an old friend to spend some time with to help on the loneliness. 

I don't think I could have started becoming detached living under the same roof. It's hard even not seeing her very often at all. We've been separated 2 1/2 months now, so it's getting easier.


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

HurtinginTN said:


> lol. That song and video rock.


My mistake...I thought you said Nickelback. But I the song and video rock, it can't be them. 

(Sorry...there's only one Nickelback song and video that I like...and the video isn't the video for the song I like. Lol. Although I do get a chuckle out of hearing the overlapping recordings of their first two big hits revealing them to be the same frakkin music. And, had a fun exchange with a friend about their song "Photograph." In response to the line, "And what the hell is on Joey's head," I said, "It's called hair, doofus." A friend countered, saying that, if you see the video, you see he has something funny looking on his head. I came back with, "If your SONG requires a VISUAL aid to properly convey the meaning, you've failed as a songwriter." :-D )
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

lol. I admittedly don't know much about them. I just came across that video and it hit home with me for several reasons. That and the video about wanting to be a rockstar. It is filled with lots of things many people want. However, there is some wisdom thrown in there. There are a few questions asked.

1) What do you want?
2) What do you need?
3) How are you going to get it?

With my life completely changing, those are the very questions I am asking myself. I'm at a crossroads. I am basically free to do whatever I want. I need to answer these questions and work on getting what I want.


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

"Rockstar" is actually the video that I like. I can kinda tolerate the song, but it's nowhere near being a favorite. That said, any video with Billy Gibbons and (more importantly) Eliza Dushku is OK in my book. The song I like is "Figured You Out." It's just a good song for frakkin dirty. ;-) Don't think I've ever seen the video for it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

HurtinginTN, listen well to what Grayson is advising you. As for facebook, it's wonderful that you're reconnecting with old friends, but be careful what you post on your wall or on someone else's wall. Don't post things like talking about plans for going out, or meeting females, etc. All this can and will probably be used against you if things get ugly in court. Also, ask your friends not to post pictures that you're in and not to tag you in any pictures. It's probably not a good idea to have pictures posted that show you partying or drinking. If you must communicate with someone, do it thru PM only, that way nothing is visible on your wall.

My friend is going through his divorce right now and he brings me along on most of his appointments with his lawyer as moral support. She advised him that if he has facebook, to get off of it until the divorce is over. Fortunately for him, he doesn't post anything anyway, while his STBXW if posting all these lovey sayings about her boyfriends, posting pictures of her partying on her GNOs, etc. She's basically screwing herself.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

As always, thanks for the advice.


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## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

Glad to hear your doing pretty well HIT. Keep your head up and get those papers filed. its definately no magic pill but at least you are then officailly free to do what you want.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Grayson said:


> Likewise, the longer the papers aren't filed, and you continue growing your social circle, the more ammunition she has to make you look bad and get her way in the divorce. You know the marriage is effectively dead. She knows it. We all know it. But the judge doesn't know it. I wouldn't want you to even give the illusion of giving up the high ground in light of what all she's done.



I agree with this. I will post about life on Facebook. I don't have anything to hide. What I do will only show the positive changes I am working on. Which will serve a couple of purposes as a bonus side effect. If she wants to bring up the Facebook, it is there showing the things I've done with the kids, etc. Also, it shows potential future dates the time I am spending with my kids. I'm just planting seeds. Acorns, actually. It will be quite a while before I harvest the fruits of the effort I am putting in. 

Given all of that, why do we worry about what a judge would think? It is pretty obvious in many of our cases that the courts don't give a flip about affairs. Why would it matter if I found some magic love potion # 9 and slept with a dozen different women every day as far as the courts are concerned? (Note to self: start working on love potion #9) It seems like we worry about "looking good" to the courts when it doesn't really matter.


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## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

HurtinginTN said:


> I agree with this. I will post about life on Facebook. I don't have anything to hide. What I do will only show the positive changes I am working on. Which will serve a couple of purposes as a bonus side effect. If she wants to bring up the Facebook, it is there showing the things I've done with the kids, etc. Also, it shows potential future dates the time I am spending with my kids. I'm just planting seeds. Acorns, actually. It will be quite a while before I harvest the fruits of the effort I am putting in.
> 
> Given all of that, why do we worry about what a judge would think? It is pretty obvious in many of our cases that the courts don't give a flip about affairs. Why would it matter if I found some magic love potion # 9 and slept with a dozen different women every day as far as the courts are concerned? (Note to self: start working on love potion #9) It seems like we worry about "looking good" to the courts when it doesn't really matter.


The reason is the key you stated bro. The kids it plays a big part in what happens on that end.


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

HurtinginTN said:


> I agree with this. I will post about life on Facebook. I don't have anything to hide. What I do will only show the positive changes I am working on. Which will serve a couple of purposes as a bonus side effect. If she wants to bring up the Facebook, it is there showing the things I've done with the kids, etc. Also, it shows potential future dates the time I am spending with my kids. I'm just planting seeds. Acorns, actually. It will be quite a while before I harvest the fruits of the effort I am putting in.
> 
> Given all of that, why do we worry about what a judge would think? It is pretty obvious in many of our cases that the courts don't give a flip about affairs. Why would it matter if I found some magic love potion # 9 and slept with a dozen different women every day as far as the courts are concerned? (Note to self: start working on love potion #9) It seems like we worry about "looking good" to the courts when it doesn't really matter.


I'd worry about what a judge thinks because he/she's the one who will make a determination on custody of the kids. Up til now, you've had a very strong case for primary/sole custody. That she had an affair, period, wouldn't have much of an impact there. However, toss in the facts of her abandoning the family and taking the family's sole means of transportation for a two-week cross-country booty call, then her weekend taking that same sole means of transportation to again abandon the family so she could shack up with Mr. Wonderful, on top of her having no visible means of providing for the kids, and there's a pretty strong case in your favor.

Now, let's spin the current status like her lawyer probably will. Sure, she had lapses in judgment, but she's here for the kids now. You've been verbally abusive (she's shown willingness to use this tactic by using it with your daughter). And now that you've decided you're done with her, you're going out at night, spending money at bars when you know you should be more frugal for when the D is final, chatting up women, some of whom are half your age.

And that's me as a layman spinning things. Imagine what an attorney can come up with.

So, worrying about what the judge thinks isn't about the divorce itself. That will happen sure enough. It's about getting a disposition that's best for the kids, and that's going to be based on who can paint the better picture.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Point taken. Thank you, sir!


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

*Dad's divorce*


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

TN, you need to heed Grayson's warning. Legally, you are still married. You need to be cautious until the divorce is final. Don't do anything to portray yourself in a negative light. Hold off on the dating and partying until after the divorce. File and be done with it so that you and your kids can start your brand new life.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

You would think I would be over the blubbering mess stage by now. I have been doing very well for a while. Today, we got into it at the exchange. I fell into the pit and engaged her. I left, but she called and I answered. We talked the whole hour commute to work. I called lover boy a few choice words. She said that is not true (of course). I said he will always be a POS in my eyes and there is nothing she could ever do to change that. She said, "Well, you aren't worthy of getting to know him. He is too good for you." I hung up and haven't talked to her since. 

I know in my mind not to engage her. I have done very well for weeks in not doing that. I also know not to take anything she says personally. However, I can't stop the damn tears today. It's almost like I've reverted right back to D-day. I can't eat. I can't stop the tears. I even walked over and bought some cigarettes. I haven't smoked in a month or so.

Maybe I am just crazy. After all of this time, I shouldn't let her bother me like this.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Oh hellllll,, as if she was capable of making a determination on who was worthy of what.
Man,, FK that situation, and that moron shes in fantasy land with... Geez how ridiculous!!!!
Tell her to make sure he's not playing spades with any other women on the side... you know... for "her" sake....
just to get that seed planted.

Or dont.
It appears they will say and do anything to make what they've done to their lives and their kids out to be okay.
If theres nothing remotely tangible to use, they will simply lie.
But hey, Im still trying to make sense out of the insensible, and find logic out of the illogical. 
Dont get caught up in that... Its all crazy-talk.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

TN, please file and get out of this mess. She is not worth it. Let her go.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

I agree on the filing.

Hurt ... you are waffling. She doesn't take you seriously. She is cake eating and you are allowing.

The only answer is to file. It may or may not be the end. She may actually take you seriously. She may actually show she cares. Not sure if you want that or not.

Without filing you will be in limbo land forever. I know you have a ton of excuses why you can't file right now, but forget those and get it done.

My guess is she is still home schooling and if you test the kids, they will still be behind. 

You need to take control of the situation.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

HurtinginTN said:


> You would think I would be over the blubbering mess stage by now. I have been doing very well for a while. Today, we got into it at the exchange. I fell into the pit and engaged her. I left, but she called and I answered. We talked the whole hour commute to work. I called lover boy a few choice words. She said that is not true (of course). I said he will always be a POS in my eyes and there is nothing she could ever do to change that. She said, "Well, you aren't worthy of getting to know him. He is too good for you." I hung up and haven't talked to her since.
> 
> I know in my mind not to engage her. I have done very well for weeks in not doing that. I also know not to take anything she says personally. However, I can't stop the damn tears today. It's almost like I've reverted right back to D-day. I can't eat. I can't stop the tears. I even walked over and bought some cigarettes. I haven't smoked in a month or so.
> 
> Maybe I am just crazy. After all of this time, I shouldn't let her bother me like this.


No, its perfectly normal. Just don't break down in front of her. You've made great strides which is evident since you didn't do it in front of her. She knows EXACTLY how to push your buttons because she was your wife for many years. You actualy should take it personally, because she's doing everything to get under your skin. I don't know how much more personal you can get than that. 

Let it out dude as long as she isn't around to see or hear it. You will recover, I promise that. Eventually there will come a time when she can do everything to push your buttons and it won't affect you. That time is in the future. Believe me, I've been through it. For now, get busy so you can get your mind off of it.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

TN file the papers and cut loose this thing you were married to.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Powerbane (Nov 8, 2010)

Hurt - why are you you still engaging her or letting her engage you on this stuff? She talking to you like you're a roommate or girlfriend. It's like she wants you to be accepting of this S. O. B. 

WTF??

Come south my friend and bring the kids! 

Does she have a job yet? I'll bet not. You're letting her cake eat. She gets the financial and household needs met with you and gives her heart needs to P. O. S. 

Cut the crap. It's hard to face. We get it. Some of those out here have lived it and some are living it right along with you. 

Drop the rope buddy. It's not worth your mental health.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

I doubt she'll seriously start looking for a job until she's forced to. Until then, she's content to cake eat and live in affairland with OM. She has it good right now. Hurt pays the bills, while she doesnt have to work and gets to be with OM, while taking shots at Hurt. She's got a good gig going on, why spoil it?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

She isn't cake eating, she's feasting. Shes got her bf , her husband is out of they way nicely paying the bills, and watching the kids when she wants to run off to lover boy for a hookup.

Yep, that's an all you can eat feast.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## gearhead65 (Aug 25, 2011)

Unfortunately, he isn't the only one in that boat. I'm right next to him and neither one of us have a paddle. Oh, and lets not forget the name of the creek!

Hurt, File. Do it now, and make sure you put the co-habitation clause in the parenting plan. I dropped that bomb on my STBX before I left for work. You should have seen the look on her face.


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## gonefishin (Oct 7, 2011)

Just been reading this post: HurtinginTN.
The "piece of paper" does matter. You do not understand!! She is loves this. Once you file, and end up in front of a judge her life will change. She will have to get a job. You goal here is to tip her world up side down and then she will respect you. It is not about being a jerk; it is about respect. She started this mess, you end it. 
This piece of paper is not the end, it is the beginning. It may be the beginning with her or with someone else. Stop living in this fog.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

OK. I have a question. Maybe I have a false impression. If we file, does the asset division have to be done by the date of the final decree? She proposed something yesterday that makes sense, somewhat. Basically, we go ahead and split everything. Bills, assets, etc. She gets what she would receive in child support each paycheck. She is responsible for her part and I'm responsible for my part of the current bills. We both work on getting rid of all the stuff. She works on selling everything and I work on the home repairs. We set a date in the future to file, while working on getting everything in order.

My question is: If I just file now, will we have to sell the house at an auction when the divorce is final? Some have still co-habitated after the divorce was final. It is total hell sharing a house. If we are forced to sell the house quickly instead of completing the home repairs and putting it on the market, we will probably lose 20k or so (rough guess). If I can get the divorce without being forced to sell the house at auction, I would feel much more peace about it.

I suppose I just need to talk to my attorney about it, but I want to see what you guys think.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

After giving my wife the house, she was given the option to refinance or sell it by a mutually agreeable date. This was in 2 yrs time as it worked out for us.
Actually, it was the process of the mediation/attorney that suggested this long before we ever got to court.
The good thing is, after it is sold I still get 50% of the equity after mortgage is satisfied from the sale.
Be careful about the asset division though. You need to find exactly what your laws are in your state regarding what constitutes "marital" property. Sometimes only percentages of 401K's after the date of marriage are divisible. I dont know if it would be worth your while to trade some asset for lesser support, since you will be having part time custody of the kids too, and need the $$ to pay for everything too...?


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

> I doubt she'll seriously start looking for a job until she's forced to. Until then, she's content to cake eat and live in affairland with OM.


:iagree:

No offence HT but over time on the various postings you have made you have wavered following good advice, when you have finally taken it the door has closed and the impact and opportunity has been missed. 

Your wife in not your friend , she is playing you, she is sucking you dry because she knows you are a big softy who likes being abused.

Start taking action to pro-actively look after you and the children , your wife is no longer your problem , get her out of your life permanently and go dark on her. She will drown in la la land with the OM and one day when she comes up for air her life will be a mess.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

> Once you file, and end up in front of a judge her life will change. She will have to get a job. You goal here is to tip her world up side down and then she will respect you. It is not about being a jerk; it is about respect.


yes yes yes -----:iagree:


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

TN, this is a question for your attorney. Some stipulations can be put in the final divorce decree; however, your attorney would be best to advise you about those. Whatever you do, make sure that *everything **is in writing *- have the documents drawn up by an attorney - your situation is not a DIY.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

> Whatever you do, make sure that everything is in writing


Include a morality clause, one that states your children are not allowed around the OM are any other man who your wife is not married to. If your attorney declines fire them and get one that adheres to your request.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

HurtinginTN said:


> OK. I have a question. Maybe I have a false impression. If we file, does the asset division have to be done by the date of the final decree? She proposed something yesterday that makes sense, somewhat. Basically, we go ahead and split everything. Bills, assets, etc. She gets what she would receive in child support each paycheck. She is responsible for her part and I'm responsible for my part of the current bills. We both work on getting rid of all the stuff. She works on selling everything and I work on the home repairs. We set a date in the future to file, while working on getting everything in order.
> 
> My question is: If I just file now, will we have to sell the house at an auction when the divorce is final? Some have still co-habitated after the divorce was final. It is total hell sharing a house. If we are forced to sell the house quickly instead of completing the home repairs and putting it on the market, we will probably lose 20k or so (rough guess). If I can get the divorce without being forced to sell the house at auction, I would feel much more peace about it.
> 
> I suppose I just need to talk to my attorney about it, but I want to see what you guys think.


I seriously hope that the amount you determined you need to pay for child support takes into account what she could be making if she was working and the kids were in school.


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## Zzyzx (Aug 24, 2011)

Big advantage of filing now: debts she incurs after filing date are HER debts, they cannot be attached to you without your consent.

Generally speaking, it is true that asset values as of filing date are used to determine the division (bank accounts, etc.); this depends on the law in your state. In the case of homes, however, this may be replaced by agreement to split the proceeds whenever the home does sell. If the home is going to be sold, it's better to use the actual sale price as a starting point for division rather than someone's subjective appraisal value as of some date. Again, check for precedent law in your state. I would try to include in that agreement a clause specifying reimbursement for the home repair expenses before the division is made.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

SadSamIAm said:


> I seriously hope that the amount you determined you need to pay for child support takes into account what she could be making if she was working and the kids were in school.


Yes, that is factored in.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

HiT, how are things?


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

Hope things are ok, Hurting.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

It's going. Just been pretty busy. I think we'll be able to work things out on the amicable divorce. I think we're both ready to be done with it and move on.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

I made an appointment with a divorce attorney today. I was talking to a friend that is going through a divorce last night. (We went out once in high school.) She told me she is going to see a mutual friend that is a divorce attorney now. I believe they were going to meet today. The first available is next Wednesday. 

It's pretty ironic. My wife was in Denver screwing him on my birthday. Next Wednesday is her birthday. I'll be in a lawyer's office getting screwed.


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

I was just heading over here to post and ask how things are going. Glad you're finally moving forward with the long-delayed D. I take it that, since you're making the appointment with the attorney, that wifey-dear is still dragging her feet regarding doing it amicably? Of course, based on her past actions, that's to be expected...she's had no incentive whatsoever to give up her nice, cushy existence.

How are things otherwise? Thanksgiving go well? Kids in school and handling everything ok? Wifey-dear starting to pull her own weight or is she still freeloading her way to a rude awakening?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Hurt - I hope slime ball paid for the trip to denver. It isn't right for her to have you pay to have her cheat.

Frankly, she's such a piece of untrustworthy - you know what - that the POSOM and her now deserve one another. Two bottom feeders getting together.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Grayson said:


> I was just heading over here to post and ask how things are going. Glad you're finally moving forward with the long-delayed D. I take it that, since you're making the appointment with the attorney, that wifey-dear is still dragging her feet regarding doing it amicably? Of course, based on her past actions, that's to be expected...she's had no incentive whatsoever to give up her nice, cushy existence.
> 
> How are things otherwise? Thanksgiving go well? Kids in school and handling everything ok? Wifey-dear starting to pull her own weight or is she still freeloading her way to a rude awakening?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I was wondering how it was going for HiT too. I would imagine that STBXW is in for a rude awakening and reality will hit her eventually with the divorce, because then it starts to become REAL for her. She's had a very cushy existence alright, eating cake comfortably while HiT foots the bills, so she hasn't had any incentive. Like my buddies STBXW, the ride on the gravy train is going to come to an end.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

No, she has not worked on the amicable split at all. She wants to wait for this, then that, then this again. Whatever. It has to be done. I should have done it months ago.

Thanksgiving was a blast. I spent it in Colorado with her family and my kids. She didn't go. She met POS somewhere. Flying into Denver was a hell of a trigger. Also found a bunch of stuff just before I left. Actually found the damn phone, read some texts, saw a picture of POS, smashed it. She raised so much hell over that I called her parents to come over. Very ugly night. I've not talked to her since. Don't care to ever again, actually.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Common, TN why is she still mooching off of you! Cut that cancer out already.

Btw, good job on the phone! I would be making a mission to have every phone she has have a fatal accident.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> Btw, good job on the phone! I would be making a mission to have every phone she has have a fatal accident.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Won't happen again. She threatened to call the cops on that cheap little phone she had given her. Destruction of her personal property. When I came home from Thanksgiving, she wasn't home. There was a box for a Droid Bionic on the steps. I don't think she realized I was coming home when I did. I won't touch that darn thing.

She did actually have the nerve to ask me for money one night this week. I told her she can use whatever she used to buy her $500 phone. The gravy train has closed.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Seriously? Let her call the cops or better yet leave town.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

I would say I can't believe she abandoned her family at Thanksgiving but, that would make me a liar.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> Common, TN why is she still mooching off of you! Cut that cancer out already.


Appointment with divorce attorney a new friend is talking to about her divorce is set for Wednesday at 10:00 am. Funny thing is that is her birthday. Tempted to call her from the attorney's office to tell her happy birthday. lol


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

HurtinginTN said:


> Won't happen again. She threatened to call the cops on that cheap little phone she had given her. Destruction of her personal property. When I came home from Thanksgiving, she wasn't home. There was a box for a Droid Bionic on the steps. I don't think she realized I was coming home when I did. I won't touch that darn thing.
> 
> She did actually have the nerve to ask me for money one night this week. I told her she can use whatever she used to buy her $500 phone. The gravy train has closed.


Tell her to mooch off the weasel. Or, get a flipping job.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

pidge70 said:


> I would say I can't believe she abandoned her family at Thanksgiving but, that would make me a liar.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


After all she has done, I believe that is the lowest. Her family invited us all out for a cabin they had rented for the week in the Rocky Mountains. At the time of the invitation, we were civil. She declined the proposal and ended up going somewhere with OM. I know she was gone for a few days from the state of the pets when I got home.

She chose to be with OM instead of her kids and her family at Thanksgiving. Wow. Still can't believe the depths of her screwed up thinking.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

pidge70 said:


> Tell her to mooch off the weasel. Or, get a flipping job.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes, I did. I will leave a very limited amount of cash each payday. I have a note for her along with a budget. I will pay the bills and buy most of the groceries. If she doesn't like it, she is to call a mediator who has agreed to discuss this. The mediator already has a copy and agrees that it is fair.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

I don't understand. 

She doesn't work.

How do you pay for only 'most' of the groceries? 
How does she buy a $500 phone? 
How does she pay for getting to where the OM is?


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

SadSamIAm said:


> I don't understand.
> 
> She doesn't work.
> 
> ...


:scratchhead::scratchhead::scratchhead:

yea. please explain!


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

SadSamIAm said:


> I don't understand.
> 
> She doesn't work.
> 
> ...


I leave some cash, very limited, for any groceries she may need to buy for the home while I'm away. 

Good question on the phone. I assume he bought it. That is the only way I can think of. Unless she has somehow managed to squirrel away much more money than I give her credit for. I did ask her brother if he had given her an early birthday present. He knew nothing of it.

Again, I am assuming he is paying for it. One conversation a couple of weeks ago when I found out she had gone to Kansas City for the weekend with him kind of implies that he has given her a check card or something. She said she didn't spend a dime. I asked how in the world you drive to Kansas City and not spend a dime. She said, "You figure it out." 

Anyway, none of this really matters. I left a very small amount of cash with a written plan. Also, I left a note for her to call the mediator if she has an issue with it. I will not discuss it with her. I will only discuss it with the mediator.


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

Maybe this phone, too, can have an "accident" - like a little liquid inside the battery compartment - just enough to short it out while avoiding the moisture detection pads in the phone. 

Anyone asks - You didn't get this advice from me.


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

Time and again, Hurting's wife has demonstrated a (near-?) sociopathic ability to do and say whatever she must to foist all responsibility for her care on someone else.

From your last couple of posts, Hurting, it sounds like Mr Wonderful might be picking some of that up financially. So, which of them is planning to move closer to the other after the D?

Or, equally possible...they both may be under the impression that she's still successfully stalling forward motion on the D. As soon as she let's him know that her HiT gravy train is ending, he might realize that this crazy, cheating chick expects him to provide for her full time, leading to the inevitable dropping of her like a hot potato.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Grayson said:


> As soon as she let's him know that her HiT gravy train is ending, he might realize that this crazy, cheating chick expects him to provide for her full time, leading to the inevitable dropping of her like a hot potato.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I suspect this will happen. It's one thing to fork over cash for party time, travel, hotel, etc. It's another to fork over cash for day-to-day expenses. Reality will be hard for her.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

It's about time she face reality. This woman needs to learn how to take care of herself, it sounds like she has never had to. TN, did you talk to the divorce lawyer?


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

HurtinginTN said:


> I suspect this will happen. It's one thing to fork over cash for party time, travel, hotel, etc. It's another to fork over cash for day-to-day expenses. Reality will be hard for her.


I wonder if the OM is anything like you Hurt. You have no problem paying for her 'day-to-day expenses' and you aren't even in a relationship with her. 

How is the home schooling going? Have the kids been tested to see if they are keeping up?

Every once in a while I see a post on your thread and it pisses me off. The fact that you allow her to continue to use you and harm your children.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

SadSamIAm said:


> I wonder if the OM is anything like you Hurt. You have no problem paying for her 'day-to-day expenses' and you aren't even in a relationship with her.
> 
> How is the home schooling going? Have the kids been tested to see if they are keeping up?
> 
> Every once in a while I see a post on your thread and it pisses me off. The fact that you allow her to continue to use you and harm your children.


Indeed
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

And how *are *the kids doing, Hurting? Still being homeschooled by the leech? Or are they in public school now? How are they handling the whole situation? From your posts, they seem to be pretty bright, so I imagine they can see right through her shenanigans.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

karole said:


> TN, did you talk to the divorce lawyer?


I had to cancel that appointment because of a work conflict. I will re-schedule soon.


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

HurtinginTN said:


> I had to cancel that appointment because of a work conflict. I will re-schedule soon.


:banghead:

As much as I hate to quote Jar-Jar Binks.... "My give up."


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

Good Grief!!!!!!


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

They say that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and overt and expecting different results. I'm gonna be a little insane here.

Hurting, I feel for ya. Your leech has done you over, but good. But I'm not gonna play fair, here. I'm gonna play the kids card.

If your kids were hurt, you wouldn't let something like a "work conflict" get in the way of taking care of them, would you? Well, the longer this toxic cycle goes on, the more damage that's done to them. And you're one of the two people inflicting that damage.

So, finish reading this post, cuss me out for being an ass, then prove that your words about your kids' welfare being your top priority in all this are more than just words: pick up the phone, reschedule with the lawyer ASAP, and don't let ANYTHING keep you from going.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

Wonder if a phone call has been made....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Any update? I assume you you re-scheduled already, or are you waiting till after Christmas/New Years?


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

Probably the latter.

Then, it will be waiting for his tax refund to cover most of the attorney's fees.

Then, a big expense will come up to put it off again.

Then, before you know it, it will be the first anniversary of her two week cross-country booty call and she'll still be under Hurting's roof, whith him covering the bills and the groceries, while she sits back and does a piss-poor job of home schooling the kids who are sinking into the tar pit of this zombie "marriage"...it's dead but keeps walking around consuming the kids' proverbial flesh.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

Sunday begins a new year.

Hurting, will it also begin a new life for you? Will you finally give the zombie marriage a double-tap to the head? Or, like a character from The Walking Dead, will you just keep it locked up in the wrongheaded belief that there will be a cure?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

I think the zombie ate Hurting.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Grayson said:


> I think the zombie ate Hurting.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Either that, or I fear his WW turned on the waterworks again and he's trying to R. I hope not, but looking at the past threads and posts, it happens over and over and over again. Last time she cried a few tears, cooked lasagna and the next thing he posted was that he was going into R....until she contacted OM yet again. It's been False R infinitum. I hope I'm wrong.

Say it isn't so HiT! Please tell us she didn't suck you back into it! You were on here yesterday at 4:22 pm. 

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

It's been a long time since I've posted. A lot has happened. Facebook took many hours of my time. lol I re-connected with a few lovely ladies that happen to be divorcing or divorced as well. I have come a long way since first posting on here. Tomorrow is the anniversary of D-Day for me. 

We spent some time together at Christmas. We had only seen each other in passing for months. Nothing happened and there was no talk of reconciliation on either part. Divorce was on track. 

Several events happened in the past couple of weeks or so. The process of separating the Christmas decorations into two groups was hard for her (her words). The reality of divorce was setting in. I felt total peace with it. I actually had a couple of dates lined up. Then, she called and wanted to give the marriage a chance, if I would be willing. After a lot of thought and prayerful consideration, I decided to proceed with extreme caution. I also had a health scare. I have a heart defect that acted up. She was there and comforted me through it. 

We have gone on a couple of dates. Honesty has taken the place of deceitfulness. Intense IC is in place for her. At this time, I am supporting her in IC. She is the mother of my children and I need her to be healthy. Whether the relationship will go anywhere is not important at this point in time. 

I'm in a much better place mentally and emotionally. I'll continue taking one day at a time. I hope all of you are doing well.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

And what of her true love? Is she still in contact with him?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> And what of her true love? Is she still in contact with him?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Her true love is out of the picture for now. There has been some contact since she said she wants to come back. She was a total wreck last week. I actually considered (and she even mentioned it) having her committed. She knows there can only be me or him. She confessed to her slip of calling him. It's funny, because I knew as soon as she did it. There is no getting around the gut feeling. I've made it perfectly clear. If she wants him, she can have him. Go, if you want to go. Trying to have the cake and eat it too tore her in half in many ways. 

I went back and read the "Just let them go" thread. I wish I could have grasped that a year ago. I have been there for a while. I still am there.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

She didn't even have to make lasagna to get you to cave this time. :scratchhead:

Her and OM are only fighting right now, as soon as they patch things up, she'll be with him again. How many times do you have to go thru this? She's done this over and over for a year now and you have many False Rs. Sorry that she did suck you back in. Do you think she can be honest this time and really break it off with OM? Like you said, her TRUE LOVE is out of the picture FOR NOW. Those are the operative words, FOR NOW. You've been down this road before too many times.

I can understand why you haven't posted here in a while, it's as we feared. Good luck. Hopefully you won't end up with yet another D-Day & False R.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

Great googly moogly!

OF COURSE she wants to patch things up now. Mr Wonderful is currently out of the picture, and if the D goes through, she'll actually have to *gasp* work to support herself, rather than sitting back, doing a half-assed job of home schooling the kids the two of you are continuing to abuse emotionally by dragging this out, and having her every want and need provided for.

If she REALLY wants to rebuild the relationship (yeah, right...how many time before have you believed that her "honesty has replaced deceit" only to have that so-called honesty proven to be deceit?), here's how you can go about it: move forward with the divorce. Continue dating one another. If it works out, remarry.

Of course, it WON'T work out. She's shown her true colors too many times before. And, by FB taking up so much of your time in "reconnecting with lovely ladies" while still married, congratulations on completely nuking the high ground you had regarding disposition of custody of the kids.

I said it before, and I'll say it again, having freshly heard the line over the weekend: my give up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

his wife probably gets a discount by now at the pay as you go phone store


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Grayson said:


> And, by FB taking up so much of your time in "reconnecting with lovely ladies" while still married, congratulations on completely nuking the high ground you had regarding disposition of custody of the kids.


I should clarify that statement. "Reconnecting" simply means talking on Facebook. No physical meetings have taken place. No sexual chats, no nothing that takes away the "high ground." Simply talking. I was ready for a date and had set up a couple. One lady my brother's wife had wanted to set me up. We were going to go dancing with a group. One lady I was going to take out to eat the following week. 

Yes, I should have waited, and plan to wait, until the divorce is final. I just got tired of being lonely.


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

HurtinginTN said:


> I should clarify that statement. "Reconnecting" simply means talking on Facebook. No physical meetings have taken place. No sexual chats, no nothing that takes away the "high ground." Simply talking. I was ready for a date and had set up a couple. One lady my brother's wife had wanted to set me up. We were going to go dancing with a group. One lady I was going to take out to eat the following week.
> 
> Yes, I should have waited, and plan to wait, until the divorce is final. I just got tired of being lonely.


The high ground is charred cinder. Look back a few pages at our exchange about how your behavior can be spun by an attorney. You haven't even filed for legal separation, let alone divorce, but you're already talking to other women, setting up dates, communicating with them at such length that FB - in your own words - took up much of your time. In other words, you're beginning to exhibit the EXACT SAME BEHAVIOR that led to wifey's affair.

If you were that tired of being lonely, you should have filed. Period.

Now, you've got the parasite firmly reattached, more damage is being done to your kids every single day, and I predict that within the next three months, you'll be right back where you were prior to crocodile tears over Christmas ornaments suckered you back in.

The zombie is feasting on you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Well, Grayson. I've been thinking about responding to your post for a while. I decided to do it today. I thought I'd read your history first so I know more of where you are coming from. I understand now. You went through much of what I did, The man that won't be named, the lesbian, the Idiot. You're still with her and still working with OM (the Idiot?). You seem to have a lot of anger issues that come out on your posts to me. 

The zombie is not eating me or my kids. You know that gut feeling is always right. You had it as soon as "The Idiot" started working with your wife. You were right. My gut says OM is gone. I am currently supporting my wife in her intensive IC sessions in order to help her heal as best I can. As far as working on the marriage, I'm not sure I want that at this point in time. There has been a whole lot of damage done and I am not naive enough to think I can just forget it all.

The advice of "Just dump her and move on" has been very prevalent from the beginning. I happen to be of the opinion that marriage is sacred and not to be taken lightly. Sure, she did. "For better or worse" is in there for a reason. My belief that marriage should indeed be "until death do us part" has played a major factor in my delay on the divorce for all this time. Would things have been easier to just divorce her a year ago? Very possibly. It would have brought her into reality a lot faster. It would have saved a lot of trouble. But it wouldn't have been a magic cure. I know lots of divorced folks that are still stuggling with the same garbage.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Grayson said:


> you'll be right back where you were prior to crocodile tears over Christmas ornaments suckered you back in.


By the way, there have been no crocodile tears this time around.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

Good grief man. What are you doing? You must be a man who loves being in limbo because you continue to keep yourself in that state. I guess your wife has found religion again? This is your life and you have every right to make the decisions you have chosen to make; but, for the life of me, I do not understand them. Why you want to fight for a marriage that is doomed with a woman who cares NOTHING about you or your feelings is beyond me. Best of luck to you man, you are going to need it.


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## gearhead65 (Aug 25, 2011)

A marriage isn't dating. You can't/shouldn't dump someone whenever you see fit. Is he perfectly justified in killing the marriage to save himself. Sure, but only Hurting can truely determine when that is. I commend anyone who after going through what he's endured is willing to look over it and see if there is still something there. 

I'm in the same situation except she filed and then sat on it. When I look at it, there is still something there for us and our kids. But the one thing I have learn is this. I don't want the woman she was. That woman didn't see herself as my partner or equal. I don't want the woman she is now. That woman broke her vows and blamed me for all the problems. I want the woman who could be on the otherside. That woman can take stock of all that happened, see the truth from the lies, and learn something about herself. 

She is the only one worth having and I hope that Hurting can find or see the possibility of that woman in his wife too.

GearHead


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

I agree with Gearhead. I think Hurtin should not be criticized for trying to see if they can reconcile. I guess the negative comments come from people who see him as a doormat. Only he knows if his wife has demonstrated sufficient remorse to be worthy of his love.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

karole said:


> Good grief man. What are you doing? You must be a man who loves being in limbo because you continue to keep yourself in that state. I guess your wife has found religion again? This is your life and you have every right to make the decisions you have chosen to make; but, for the life of me, I do not understand them. Why you want to fight for a marriage that is doomed with a woman who cares NOTHING about you or your feelings is beyond me. Best of luck to you man, you are going to need it.


I do understand the frustration. I did play the doormat role for a very long time. We were separated for over 6 months with very little communication. It was mainly over the kids and technical things when we did. Of course, my postings were mostly venting over the worst parts of it all. Everything involved is not on these pages. Looking back, my posts here were mainly anger and fear driven. There is still anger. There is no fear.


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

Hurting, I've been trying for the past couple of weeks to figure out the best approach to this reply. I could make it all about me: " You're wrong and here's why my situation is different!" I could completely ignore your last reply to me, thus possibly invalidating anything I've said or may say in the future.

Instead, I'll just say that, yes, our stories share some commonalities. There are also a fair number of differences. At this time, I don't see a need to enumerate either the similarities or differences, especially since it would be a major thread-jack for us to start a back-and-forth here. Feel free to PM me if you'd like to swap perspectives on that without derailing your thread. I can just say that, not being you or your W, I can only do what everyone else here can do, and that's respond based on the information we've been given. Based on that information, I still think you're being played. (Hey...maybe I am, too.)

And, no...you're not detecting anger in my posts to you. Frustration, yes. But not anger. It's frustrating to see the same cycle constantly repeat itself for you. That frustration is heightened when you seem to take a step forward, then make two steps back. It's frustrating to see a lot of good advice tossed your way, only to have the cycle repeat yet again. And it's especially frustrating to see that your kids are (rightly so) your top priority in all this, yet they're the ones who are being hurt the most here.

How long have they been on this roller coaster now? Mommy and Daddy are fighting. Mommy has a boyfriend. Mommy took the van for two weeks to be with her boyfriend. Mommy and Daddy are back together. Mommy and Daddy are fighting again. Mommy left to see her boyfriend again. Mommy and Daddy are going to divorce. Mommy and Daddy are splitting time living at the house. And now, Mommy and Daddy are back together again. All the while, based on the independent testing you had done, they're getting a sub-standard education at your wife's hands.

A lot of us here have become invested in your story and want nothing but the best for you. If, as you say, you haven't been posting the whole story, it's important to do so. I do think it's worth noting, though, that so many people's predictions have been right on the money with supposedly incomplete information.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Well, the schooling has been turned around for quite a while. I strongly believe that homeschool is much better for the kids in many ways. I stand behind that conviction and will continue to support that, divorce or not. There is a structured curriculum that has been in place for a while now.

I know that she is working on this. I also know that the primary motivation for her is the kids. That is not an acceptable long-range motivation and I will not accept a poor or mediocre marriage "for the kids". However, I am willing to give it one more shot. She is not talking to him. She did flip flop a few times after she said she wanted to work on the marriage. I know to trust my gut and it says she is being open and honest. That is something that has been lacking in all of this ordeal. I can deal with honesty.

I agree that this roller coaster ride has been hell on the kids. It has been hell on all of us. I also know that I am not the totally innocent victim in this. Yes, it was her sole decision to go outside of the marriage. However, I have come to understand my faults that led to the horrible marriage. It was a 2-way street. Neither of us was a very good spouse. 

I have posted the truth in all of this. Just not all of the truth. Just her side of what she had done. I didn't post about the holes in the walls from where I succumbed to my intense anger over these things. Or my totally letting loose with my Marine Corps vocabulary, volume, and intensity on several occassions. I have felt like, and enforced that by only posting the bad things she did, an innocent victim. Perhaps I subconsciously sought out the approval of all of you somehow. I don't know exactly. I know I am a total wreck emotionally and mentally. You all have seen it and know it. I have not posted my failures during this process, probably as a subconscious effort to suppress my guilt in the way things have gone.

I didn't mean to sound argumentative in my earlier post. I appreciate the advice I have been given.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

If you have faults, its that you have been rugsweeping her affairs. Remember this thread that you posted?

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/23403-if-looks-quacks-walks-like-duck-duck.html



HurtinginTN said:


> *Several years ago, she had gone to Tunica with her brother*. Shortly after that, she went to visit her sister in Chattanooga a few times. I knew something was up. *Her sister told me my wife was trying to find a man that she had met in Tunica*. Apparently, she was unsuccessful in finding him. Back then, I confronted her about it. She swore nothing had happened in Tunica. I said something must have or she wouldn't have driven to Chattanooga (3 hour drive) looking for him. *Last night, she confessed that she kissed him in Tunica. She says that is all that happened, but I doubt that*.
> 
> If you suspect infidelity in your gut, you are probably right. Trust your instincts. Many of these threads are people wondering if something is going on. If you're here on this website, that means you have a strong suspicion. Trust your gut.


This latest OM is OM#2......that you know of. Despite HER family supposedly telling her its wrong....they *enabled her other PA*. And you KNOW it went farther than just kissing. She banged OM#1, and she banged OM#2 (?) many times. 

Is there an OM#3 in your future? Or will she re-connect with OM#2? Only time will tell. She has a definite pattern of behavior which is cheating on you. There's probably other affairs that you don't know about. How many times has she gone to other towns with one of her sisters or brother? It seems like she'll meet some man on the internet, then go meet him, just like this latest scumbag. 

BTW, I would hope that you haven't reverted to spoiling her like a princess that you used to do, like cooking, cleaning, doing the dishes and laundry, and then brushing her cats after work like you used to do. Who does she have brushing her cats now? Being a good husband doesn't mean giving her anything and everything she wants and catering to her every whim. Her own sisters told her she's the most selfish person they've ever seen.

She's a serial cheater, and in her case, "once a cheater, always a cheater" is most likely true.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> She's a serial cheater, and in her case, "once a cheater, always a cheater" is most likely true.


Well, time to come clean. I am a Nice Guy. Several of you have recommended the book, so you probably know it. It's been a while since I read it. I need to read it again. Many of the aspects hit me. Eerily so. 

In particular, at this time, is the secrecy part. Nice guys tend to put on an outward appearance, but there are hidden demons inside. Yesterday, I confessed for the first time to any person my demons. My wife asked if I had ever been with another woman during our marriage. At first, I lied. Then, for some reason, I decided to come clean.

I'm posting this here as a confession. Also, to give you folks that try so hard to help people on here some insight. I seriously doubt I am alone. Perhaps a high percentage of "doormats" are so because they know deep down how horrible they are.

I was in the Marine Corps for several years. The military culture in general is quite different from the mainstream culture. Strip clubs are the norm. Prostitution is accepted and condoned. Not by all, mind you, but I'd say a much higher percentage than the regular population. That is my opinion based on personal experience, not a fancy statistical survey.

Before I was married, I frequented many strip clubs. I partook of an occassional oral release from ladies of the night. A few years into the marriage, things weren't going well. I regressed and hit a strip club once when I was out of town. I also partook of the oral offerings on the street on a couple of occassions.

I felt guilty and went many years without such indescrepancies. After I found out about OM#1 (I had known something was there when it happened. She only confessed to the kiss when all of this came up.), I hit a couple of other strip clubs when I was out of town on business. I did kiss one of the strippers at a particular club. Again, I felt guilty and went years without more of this.

About 3 years ago, I started working in a city again. The temptation was strong to hit the old familiar strip again. Sex was almost non-existent at home. I succumbed to the temptation again on 3 separate occassions. I don't remember the timing. They may or may not have been before she started playing Spades with OM2.

One night during this ordeal with OM2, I had to work late and decided to get a hotel room instead of the 2 hour commute. I watched her playing Spades with him between my work. I didn't go to the hotel alone that night. I had intercourse with a prostitute.

So, rug-sweeping my wife's affairs were certainly not my only mistakes as a husband. I suppose rug-sweeping her actions only came naturally to me because I had been sweeping my own actions under the rug for a long time. 

I lied to myself, my wife, and everyone else. I portrayed myself to be (even in my own eyes) a loving, devoted husband. I understand how very sickeningly twisted that sounds. I apologize to each of you who has taken an interest in my story.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Wow !!!!! I guess the two of you deserve each other.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

When I find a perfect person, I'm gonna stuff him/her and put them in the Smithsonian.

I hope that you and your wife can forgive each other and build a new marriage. There is so much baggage here that it will not be easy.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Like LHM notes, nobody is perfect. You now have a lot of blame for your bad choices and indiscretions, and maybe can understand more why your marriage sucked.

going back to your first comment in this thread:



> I feel bad for the kids, but I feel relieved. I put in a long hard battle to try to save a marriage that totally sucked. Today, I feel free.


Is anything different now? Maybe just let her go, seek IC to deal with your own demons, become a strong father for your kids and try learning from your mistakes. A marriage don't work unless both spouses are invested, and since you were both rug-sweeping you will both be better off not in a relationship with each other.


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

MAJOR omission of info there, Hurting.

But, it only reinforces for me what my opinion has been, just with a different perspective: go your separate ways. Not just because she's toxic to you. Because you're toxic to each other.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

I just felt like posting an update today. The things I did were mostly prior to joining this forum. All of them, except for one of the strip club trips, were before her trip to Colorado. That is a big reason I was willing to work on reconciliation after her return.

One Bible verse really hit me hard shortly after I came clean. Romans 2.1, I believe that is the right one. "Therefore thou art inexcusable, O Man, whosoever thou art that judgest. For wherein you judgest another, thou condemnest thyself. For thou that judgest doest the same things." 

Another one is "Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice and be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you." I don't remember the book, chapter, and verse.

I have committed these to memory and they are taped on my mirror. I read them often and repeat them to myself often. I was ready to divorce her, but I decided to give the Love Dare a shot. I was surprised, actually. I've had it for a few years, but I thought it would just be really cheesy. It has actually taught me a lot about unconditional love.

I know this goes against the grain for most of you. There is a lot of bitterness on this site. I have spewed out a whole lot of venom myself on here. I've been struggling very bad with a big trigger the past few days, but I have improved a lot over the past month or so. It has been a huge relief to not have anything hidden in a closet. Just coming clean and being honest has been very helpful. It has also made me see my actions through other's eyes. It was easy to justify my actions at the time. Bill Clinton told the whole world, "I did not have sexual relations with that woman." That enforced the erroneous theory that BJ's don't count. Strip clubs are commonly accepted, etc. Now, I guard my mind closely to not have lustful thoughts. I have grown tremendously in several ways through this ordeal.

I hope all of you are doing well on your journey through hell. I'm sorry any of us are on this board. It is not a pleasant place to be. Thank you for listening.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Holy crap. I just found out today that you'd been posting and found this thread, and sat through this whole ordeal and I feel like I just watched a year's worth of soap opera. 

So...a few questions.

Are YOU in therapy? Is SHE still in therapy? Are you both in MC? Do you regularly check her phone and computer or monitor them? Did she give POSOM back the phone he bought her? Did she get her sister's car? If so, do you have a GPS monitor in her car? Did you go back and read NMMNG? WHAT have you changed in terms of putting her on a pedestal? What has SHE changed in terms of no longer acting like a spoiled brat? 

That's enough for now.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

HTN , I read your admission when you first posted it and refrained from posting until now.

No one is perfect , you will have to fix yourself and your wife should fix herself . The guidelines we gave you to bust the affair and R the marriage still apply. It takes two to save a marriage, two willing participants to R the marriage. 

You can't do it alone , question is : Is your wife onboard? 

It looks bleak and grey today, with a common goal both of you can get through this for yourselves and your children.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

Best of luck hurt.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

She still has that phone. There has been a lot of discussion about it. It's free, so why not keep it? There is a contract so he has to pay it either way, so why not use it? Of course, I don't agree with that logic. I do have a plan to get a replacement. 

I have not gone to therapy, but I have dug diligently into the reasons I have done the things I have done. I've been keeping a journal, reading some good books, and studying the Bible regularly. Lots of time on my knees. 

I know there is no hope for my marriage as long as she holds on to anything related to that man. That is her choice to make. Nothing I do can force her to do it. I'm just working on becoming that man that I should be. Regardless of what happens to the marriage. I am a better man than I was before all of this garbage. That is the only thing I can control, my own personal growth. She does claim no contact with him and my gut says it is true. I'll know if it is not.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

How many times have you been wrong before though?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

HurtinginTN said:


> She still has that phone. There has been a lot of discussion about it. It's free, so why not keep it? There is a contract so he has to pay it either way, so why not use it? Of course, I don't agree with that logic. I do have a plan to get a replacement.


Then why not do it today? You staying in your marriage while she keeps HIS PHONE puts you right back at Doormat #1 status. Come on, Hurt, you're stronger than this. Stop making excuses. Man up and LEAD your family like the Bible says to. THAT is what she's waiting for.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Can you take the phone and make a long distance call to a time info or something like that to use up the minutes and to cost him money? Bleed the OM dry. Hell cancel the phone when he gets the bill.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I really wish I knew what to say to you Hurt other than good luck


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Who's paying the phone bill?


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

He's paying the phone bill. "He has a good rate through his work." The phone issue will be addressed tonight.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

I say find a 1-900 number and max it out. 

Your wife will respect you if you stand up to this crap. If she doesn't .... oh well.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

SadSamIAm said:


> I say find a 1-900 number and max it out.


Seriously!

No, the real answer is to communicate your unwillingness to put up with it.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

HurtinginTN said:


> The phone issue will be addressed tonight.


Good.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

We had a good discussion last night. I showed her the phones that I had found that we can get on a family plan. She does not want to do that right now.

I had forgotten one very important factor. I am a wayward spouse. Or was. Her D-Day was only a couple of months ago or so. My actions were quite a bit in the past and there is no temptation on my part to ever go there again. I am quite disgusted with myself on the things I did. However, they are new to her. She is still dealing with that. We discussed it a good bit. It was a calm discussion and not a fight.

I have done what is recommended for wayward spouses. I told the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I answered every single question promptly and honestly. No trickle truth, no covering up, total and complete transparency. I have made many positive changes, but I have to give her time to process it. I can't push it. I was thinking about the case on here this morning of the couple where he had been posting for a while and then she started a thread as well. I can't remember the names, but she seemed very remorseful. Then, more information came out that she had made out with OM when she had already said she had told the complete truth. I believe the last I heard that they had decided to split. No matter how remorseful she was, that was an understandable choice on his side. It is her choice.

I do believe things are warming up, though. It will be a slow road, but one I must travel. I did things I shouldn't have done, so I must pay the consequences of moving slowly. As one good friend keeps telling me, concentrate on the relationship and not the affair. Build a relationship that is solid and there will be no worry about any other men.

If I hadn't been unfaithful as well, I suppose the hard road may be the way to go. But I was, so patience and understanding look to be the way to go. It has to come from her heart or it will be no good. I could force the issue on getting rid of the phone, but if it's not from her heart, she could just get another one. I have dug a very deep hole in the love bank department and it will take time to get a positive balance back. 

On a very positive note, she did give me an extremely uplifting compliment last night. :smthumbup:


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

I wish you both the best of luck. You are going to need it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

I don't see the significance of the phone situation and you being a WS!

What difference does it make? You are both WS. You both need the same in regards to your phones.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

pidge70 said:


> I wish you both the best of luck. You are going to need it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thanks, Pidge! I hope you are doing well.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

pidge70 said:


> How many times have you been wrong before though?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The gut has been right every time. There were times I ignored it and didn't want to listen to it. After all that surveillance stuff I did to try to convince myself the gut wasn't right, I learned to trust it. It is very wierd how that gut feeling works. I don't understand it, but I trust it. 

I just wish my gut worked as well in Tunica. My gut shots on 5,7 off suit rarely work out. lol


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

SadSamIAm said:


> I say find a 1-900 number and max it out.
> 
> Your wife will respect you if you stand up to this crap. If she doesn't .... oh well.



That thought has certainly crossed my mind. Oh, shoot, I forgot to hang that up 2 weeks ago. Good thing it was on the charger.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

HurtinginTN said:


> That thought has certainly crossed my mind. Oh, shoot, I forgot to hang that up 2 weeks ago. Good thing it was on the charger.


Why don't you then? Ate you afraid of him? Of her?

Come on: your wife is refusing to give up the phone her boyfriend gave her and is paying for.

Go outside, Say the above line to a stranger and ask their opinion?

You may have played, but she abandoned her children, drive across the country and lived with him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I fail to see what you being WH has to do with getting rid of a phone that you BOTH KNOW is bad for your marriage. Looks more to me like you just aren't comfortable shaking the doormat off your back. That's not a dis; it's concern. She will only respect - and WANT you - if you act more strongly than you have. 

You stated, she balked (and maybe brought up YOUR issues), and you caved. Back to Step 1.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

HurtinginTN said:


> That thought has certainly crossed my mind. Oh, shoot, I forgot to hang that up 2 weeks ago. Good thing it was on the charger.


I wasn't being funny. I was serious.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Burning the minutes may feel good, for the time being, but it will NOT solve the inequality in your marriage - only YOU can fix that, Hurt. And you know it. Time to use all that stuff you say you've been learning and LEAD your family.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

turnera said:


> I fail to see what you being WH has to do with getting rid of a phone that you BOTH KNOW is bad for your marriage. Looks more to me like you just aren't comfortable shaking the doormat off your back. That's not a dis; it's concern. She will only respect - and WANT you - if you act more strongly than you have.
> 
> You stated, she balked (and maybe brought up YOUR issues), and you caved. Back to Step 1.


Me being a WH has to do with the fact that she doesn't know if she wants to stay in a marriage to a man that has cheated on her for the whole marriage. I didn't get into the exaggeration of that statement (whole marriage). I did discuss it a bit in a calm manner. 

Burning the minutes would feel good temporarily. So would smashing the phone like I did the other one. That did feel good, actually. But she is right. The decision to give up the phone has to come from her heart or it's no good anyway.

Her compliment that came later in the night tells me things are going in the right direction. There are changes taking place. I'll be patient and back off on the phone. Sometimes you have to pick your battles. I choose not to fight that one. She knows my stance. I know hers. As 8YearsCheating has been telling me, concentrate on the relationship and not the affair. Once the relationship is rock solid, none of that will matter. There will be no desire or need for any other men.

42 Days ago, I was done. I picked up the Love Dare. I figured, why not give it a shot. I can stand on my head for 40 days. I thought it would be corny and stupid. I didn't think it would be any good. I was pleasantly surprised, actually. There have been very pleasant results. I'll continue with that path for now and be patient on the phone. It'll go soon enough.


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

HurtinginTN said:


> Me being a WH has to do with the fact that she doesn't know if she wants to stay in a marriage to a man that has cheated on her for the whole marriage. I didn't get into the exaggeration of that statement (whole marriage). I did discuss it a bit in a calm manner.


Well, that makes _perfect_ sense. After all, if she's unsure about staying married to you, the only reasonable course of action for her to have a cell phone is to continue to be beholden to Mr Wonderful, who she supposedly has had no contact with for months. I mean, it's not like there are pay-as-you-go phones available, or that she knows where and how to get one. Oh...wait....

Or, to put it less sarcastically, she doesn't want to get a phone with you on a family plan, because she's not sure she still wants to be tied to you. Yet she's more than happy to keep the phone that Mr Wonderful is providing, thus still tying herself to him. What's the gut say about that?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

Or, maybe she doesn't want you to be able to track her phone calls - ever consider that? Are you monitoring her at all now? I assume not.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

I do have access to the phone log. I also peeked at her journal. (I know! Invasion of privacy. Bad, Bad, Bad) The relationship finally died a natural death. 

As far as our relationship, it is cordial at the moment. She is having a hard time dealing with my sins. I am dealing with her actions as well. No more denial. We are both facing the facts and dealing with them instead of hiding them and sweeping them under the rug. 

I have also had an interesting few days in regards to releasing my hatred toward OM. In church Sunday morning, the teacher passed out yellow sticky notes at the end of the class. He said for us to write 3 names down of people to pray for. OM immediately popped in my head. For a long time, I have considered him to be my nemesis, my Dr. Doofensmirtz. At first, the thought of praying for him was very repugnant. However, it is giving me peace. Letting go of the hatred is very relieving. I realize that my hatred of him didn't bother him at all. But it has been eating me alive. Looking at him as a human being and working on a forgiving spirit has been very freeing.


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## KathyGriffinFan (Apr 4, 2011)

Hurt, you're still at this? Wow, I haven't read any of your posts since last year. Yeesh. 

She's cheating, you're cheating, you're doing this in front of the kiddos, she doesn't want to give up a phone associated with the OM...is this life worth it? Is this what you want your life to be?


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## rigcol (Jul 24, 2012)

I agree with Kathy Griffin Fan ... I've read through this and this is nuts.

I don't mean to sound harsh but as a fellow Marine infantryman, on active duty for about 17 years it saddens me to have read about the 'culture' of infidelity you talked about a few pages back. Trust me, I know this happens but I'm a believer in the leadership traits one of them being loyalty. If you were making the comfort based decision of engaging with prostitutes throughout your marriage, I'm quite certain your lack of loyalty towards your wife/family directly affected your marriage whether she was aware of it or not. You reap what you sow ...

Brother, I'm not judging you as we are all faulted and I pray that you both seek counseling and resolve your problems whether it be divorce or reconciliation for the sake of the kids -- after all, you are their example. Make it a good one. 

Semper Fi


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

rigcol said:


> I don't mean to sound harsh but as a fellow Marine infantryman, on active duty for about 17 years it saddens me to have read about the 'culture' of infidelity you talked about a few pages back. Trust me, I know this happens but I'm a believer in the leadership traits one of them being loyalty. If you were making the comfort based decision of engaging with prostitutes throughout your marriage, I'm quite certain your lack of loyalty towards your wife/family directly affected your marriage whether she was aware of it or not. You reap what you sow ...


Yes, I agree. When I first confessed, I used that as an excuse. To myself, mainly. There was no excuse. It wasn't throughout the marriage, not that that makes it any better. There were a couple of times about a decade ago. Then, I went through a period of a couple of months or so during her open online affair period where I frequently took a long lunch to areas I knew I could find some company. There were several during that short time frame. Once ever was way too many.

I agree 100% on the reap what you sow part. I sowed and I believed I reaped an abundant harvest. 

I have learned a lot during this process. There were a lot of wrong thoughts that contributed to my actions. A lot of wrong ideas. It has been a painful experience, but one I have learned from. 

Semper Fi, brother.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

KathyGriffinFan said:


> She's cheating, you're cheating, you're doing this in front of the kiddos, she doesn't want to give up a phone associated with the OM...is this life worth it? Is this what you want your life to be?


For what it's worth, I'm not cheating any more. It has been well over a year since my little month or two of total idiocy. It has been well over a decade since my other couple of infractions. What I did was wrong. I am very remorseful and repentant. 

But, to answer your question. No, this is not the life I want. I put up with it hoping for change. I deserve it for sowing my seeds of stupidity. Or at least I thought I did. I did the crime and I have done the time. I do believe I have served a fair amount of time for my sins. I have forgiven her and OM. She has not been able to forgive me. I have kept holding on thinking it will just take time. She has to go through the stages. I'd been working through the stages longer than she has so I should be patient and understanding. Blah, blah, blah.

Good question. Timely question. The answer is no.


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

Pardon my saying, Hurting, but now I seems like you're sticking around as a sort if punishment for your own straying...that you want the proverbial stink-eye and whatever other method of "How could you?" That she dishes out to you. That's not healthy. For you or (you guessed it) the kids.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## gearhead65 (Aug 25, 2011)

I'll share what I have learned so far. Do you like who you are right now? Do you like who she is right now? Do you like being in this situation? How do your kids feel about the two of you together? 

I hope that you can let go of your pain, guilt, and suffering over this. I'm guessing that is why you have held on this long. If you two are meant to be together you will be. Right now may not be that time.

Consider this holistically, what if, you forcing an end to this limbo is what is required for your kids to have a healthy understanding of how a relationship should work? And by not doing that, you are setting them up for pain in this area.

If she can't forgive 4 single instances over 10 years. Which I'm sure that for her is more than she did, why should you stay? Call a spade a spade. More time might help, or it might just show her what you're willing to continue to put up with. By the count you know of, she has 3 more to go until you two are even. Maybe then she can forgive you.

GearHead


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