# Adult Step Children Who Ignore You



## wifenumber2

I've been reading about "disengagement" and considering it. 26 year old step son ignores texts when so ask him if he and his fiancé are joking us for a holiday meal (I even sent a second text offering to include his fiancée's father who lives alone to help them to not feel stretched. Yesterday, my Husband had a customer appreciation lunch at his business and he invited my son and me. His son stayed in an office away from me (there were no pressing business needs and he was listening with headsets). I asked my son if he saw him and they spoke about sports.

My husband made a dinner date with step daughter from his first marriage ( half-sister to step son) and her boyfriend. We were just getting out of our cars and I made a point to walk up to give her a hug. As I walked towards her (I was perpendicular to her) she quickened her pace and walked past me and gave my husband a hug. No gesture to me. Felt awkward, hurt--like an outsider. Later that night when she left she did hug us both. This came 3 months after my stepson and his fiancé arrived at the funeral home for visitation for my father-in-law. No hello, the fiancé just walked over to the half-sister and hugged her. I felt invisible. I was raised that when you walk into a room you say hello especially to someone older.

When my stepson and his other sister were young-- about 13 years ago about one year after getting married we went to a faith-based counselor . He met separately with the kids then met with us. I'll nevertheless forget his words "Don't even try to have a relationship with them--all they see you as is a bankroll".

I think I am to a point that I give up. I know I can't get out of seeing them but my thoughts are to be polite (say hello) and say no more and find another person or place and escape interaction.

Any of you going through the same thing? Anything work?


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## EleGirl

I have 2 step kids who are now in their late 20's. Raised them from age 10 as both their mother and father were not there for them.

All I can say is that step children can be very hard. Often times step mom is wrong because she breaths air. 

Just ignore them and go on with your life.


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## Cooper

If this has been going on for 13 years I would guess it's just an ingrained habit for them. I'm curious how you came into the picture, were you an affair partner? Is their mother the type that has spent the last 13 years bad mouthing you and her ex?
Give us a little history.

There can be dozens of reasons the kids have never bonded with you, some can be a result of their reasoning and some can be because of you, maybe your actions, maybe your personality.

The kids are adults, I suggest a candid conversation, just you and the kids, be respectful of their feelings. Don't be coy, tell them you need to understand why they don't accept you. Don't force them to try and like you or accept you, but just ask for the truth of why they ignore you and dislike you. Be prepared for some hurtful answers, but accept their truth for what it is, right or wrong, let them state their reasons without being interrupted. If they are way off base on something tell them the true facts, but don't plead and ask them to forgive and forget, and do NOT start an argument. 

The point of the conversation (which is years over due) is to clear the air. You will know where you stand and why.


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## wifenumber2

Cooper my husband and I met towards the end of his marriage. I liked him but when I heard he was married (unhappily) I steered clear for 2 years--dated another man for over 6 months and kept it professional. He asked me out 2 years later and he said he was divorcing. They were divorcing and had had issues (per him) for about a decade. So I went out with him and fell hard. If I could have done it over again I would have researched how far along he was in the process before dating him and I would have waited a year. Mind you, she was not faithful either but that doesn't excuse my involvement. Even his religious parents told me to stop feeling guilty because I didn't break anything that wasn't already broken.

My husband's ex did make disparaging remarks in front of us so I'm pretty confidant she made them for a while afterwards. She has issues with alcoholism and anxiety. She kept asking me for money and making snide remarks about my husband that I asked her on several occasions to only call me if there was a true medical or emotional emergency with the kids. She wouldn't stop so I did file a restraining order not to be nasty but to make it stop for all of us. That worked. She got remarried and if we meet up at a family event we are cordial.

The daughter is her's from her first marriage but my husband "rescued" his ex and took her daughter into his heart when she was 6 months old. When his ex was cheating and getting drunk he wanted to leave her but didn't because he was attached to her daughter. I get it that she wouldn't have any urge to go beyond superficial.

The son has had anxiety for some time and he is the youngest and per his sisters the spoiled one.

My personality towards them was very open and positive in the beginning. Then I started hearing things even my husband said he said. I'm referred to as "she, her". Have I had some bad behavior??? Absolutely usually due to my husband thinking he was funny but he hurt me so usually when I provoked or if I didn't say something back I felt like even I wasn't sticking up for myself. I would answer him if he said he was the king of his castle(business) in front of his son and fiancé, I'd remind him that he had his castle because I signed in his loan, put the house in my name as collateral etc. I got mad because he'd buy the son $245 sunglasses and not contribute to our household bills. My husband let his son and fiancé (girlfriend at the time) stay at our house for 9 months after he graduated. I didn't mind him staying but I minded her because I parent differently. They never made a point to be friendly and I felt like I was unwanted in my own home. I feel some of this is that my husband, like many divorcing dads, felt guilty and his need to impress him and maintain his affection resulted in his buying a lot of stuff and he tends to ignore me when his kids are there. I get it that it's good for him to have time with them so I just stay (since I'm invited) but am quiet. I think so many players are present as to why things aren't good: his ex, my hubby, myself and the kids are old enough to know better.


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## jld

Like Ele said, just let it go. Be gracious, but expect nothing. Don't be around them if it is not necessary. Less stressful all around.


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## wifenumber2

I agree with you and EleGirl. I don't want to be angry or hurt, I just want to minimize this whenever I can which is why I think detaching is my logical path. There's a part of me that wants so bad to get along since I am a people person and generally get along with people and can maintain long-term friendships so it's just sad that some of the people who are in my immediate family are the ones who don't want any part of me and they are pretty obvious about it. I understand why they may not want a relationship. It is what it is.


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## Omego

Your husband's behavior was totally unacceptable but that's now water under the bridge. 

As Ele and jld have said: ignore the step kids. Seems as though they are not worth your time.

And don't accept any more behavior from them or your husband which makes you feel uncomfortable (like adult stepchildren living in your house).
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jld

Yes, just detach. Tell hubby to see kids on his own. Absolutely no opening your home for them to live with you, unless they understand it is your home. Your house, your rules.

The only other thing I can think of would be to have an open hearted listening session with them. I have to warn you, though: you would really have to be ready to hear hurtful things, and just be empathetic. That is a pretty tall order.

Might be easier just to detach, and let your husband have his own separate relationship with them.


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## lifeistooshort

I agree that detaching is the best idea. My hb's daughter doesn't ignore me but doesn't really go out of her way to talk a lot to me. I wouldn't say she's rude, but we are very different people and she was almost an adult when I my her father. 

We have different lives and our paths don't cross much. 

I've been accused of hating her by hb because I apparently don't ask about her enough, but I'd bet she doesn't ask about me much either. We get along fine when she's around but she's living her own life. 

And we honestly don't have much in common. .... she's not really someone I'd hang out with and I obviously don't have the history with her that hb does. Don't get me wrong, she is a great person.....we simply have little to do with each other. 

So I'm polite and will chat with her but don't really go out of my way. Hb wishes we were closer but also admitted that she doesn't really talk much to me either. 

So I recommend that you be polite when they're around but don't go out of your way to push anything with them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera

wifenumber2 said:


> My personality towards them was very open and positive in the beginning. Then I started hearing things even my husband said he said. I'm referred to as "she, her". Have I had some bad behavior??? Absolutely usually due to my husband thinking he was funny but he hurt me so usually when I provoked or if I didn't say something back I felt like even I wasn't sticking up for myself. I would answer him if he said he was the king of his castle(business) in front of his son and fiancé, I'd remind him that he had his castle because I signed in his loan, put the house in my name as collateral etc. I got mad because he'd buy the son $245 sunglasses and not contribute to our household bills. My husband let his son and fiancé (girlfriend at the time) stay at our house for 9 months after he graduated. I didn't mind him staying but I minded her because I parent differently. They never made a point to be friendly and I felt like I was unwanted in my own home. I feel some of this is that my husband, like many divorcing dads, felt guilty and his need to impress him and maintain his affection resulted in his buying a lot of stuff and he tends to ignore me when his kids are there. I get it that it's good for him to have time with them so I just stay (since I'm invited) but am quiet. I think so many players are present as to why things aren't good: his ex, my hubby, myself and the kids are old enough to know better.


Ok, aside from the part YOU played (sounding a bit like the insecure affair partner trying to prove her worth), imagine how things might be different if your HUSBAND actually stood up for you, and told his kids that they're acting like inconsiderate jerks?

but more importantly, you signed YOUR house for HIS business, and he's not even paying bills? What's up with that?


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## wifenumber2

Turnera: I totally agree with your feedback. During the midst of this there was a lot going on and I'm learning now to take care of myself emotionally. The remarks I referenced happened because I was asked not to come back to the business in front of the son's finance because I was hurt with his "singsong" tone of voice when he said "good morning' to the finance as I was rushing to do some work for him 1st thing in the am before I left for my full-time job. I felt unappreciated. He didn't say thanks after I gave him his numbers so I did what I do to a lot of people I jokingly said "You're welcome". He accused me of being passive aggressive in front of her. He told me not to come back to work if I was going to be that way. He said, when you cross this threshold I am king of the castle. I had two options, 1) do what I normally do and just walk out or 2) not what I wanted to do but I was angry that he said this in front of her and felt that if I didn't stand up for myself, who would AND I felt the truth should be known. I paused in the door way and said that well you wouldn't have your threshold if and then I listed my investment. 

We had a lot of arguments and "silent treatments" for about a two year period. Now the son and his fiancé is out of the house and we have tried some things and as far as arguing/statements in front of his children, that is better but the damage is done. 

Now as to your question why did I sign for it. Initially, the bank wanted proof of my earnings so that the business would not be expected to support our household expenses. I did agree to sign 1/2 of the life insurance proceeds and was ok with that since I figured we could renegotiate that in about 10 years. The business of my signing and cross-collateralizing the house in my name came up with less than 48 hours before the closing. This financing happened in 2008 when banks were not open to loaning money. The business needed this building in order to make money. I'm old school and believe a marriage is a team. My father took risks and bought several buildings so I felt that he wouldn't purposely try to make his business fail. I was also afforded the opportunity to work on/to review the books. He tries to pay the monthly payments 2 weeks ahead of schedule so right now I'm ok with it. He has started to pay for more things on a regular basis but there is still some room to make things equal.


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## turnera

> He said, when you cross this threshold I am king of the castle


But he wouldn't HAVE the business unless you had signed over on the loan, correct? 

That makes you the queen. Are you making this clear to him?


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## wifenumber2

turnera said:


> He said, when you cross this threshold I am king of the castle
> 
> 
> 
> But he wouldn't HAVE the business unless you had signed over on the loan, correct?
> 
> That makes you the queen. Are you making this clear to him?
Click to expand...

Yes he "gets it". He actually seeks out my opinion on major decisions and will actually go with some of my suggestions so there is improvement. Looking back, I think he was going through some sort of mid-life crisis. He is not as quick to get angry and we have tried things to spice things up which have really made things better. He tells me often that he likes it when I'm confidant even a little *****y so I'm working on that. I'm still learning to break old habits.


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## Omego

Just to be clear: let him know that you are the most important woman in his life. Given this, it doesn't make any difference what x,y or z fiancé thinks of how you speak to him. If you felt slighted or neglected you have every right to express that. In no way should he take you for granted again.

It's just too bad if he is/was going through a mid-life crisis. He is not to take out his issues on you while putting up a polite front to everyone else.

You seem like a nice, generous person. Be careful not to be too much of either, for your own peace of mind.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mussi

Dear Wifenumber2,

I can only speak from my own experience with my Stepdaughter, aged 15. I started dating her dad 2 years ago, when she was 13, a difficult age one might say, and many did warn me. Her dad was going through a divorce at the time, but he and his ex remain businesspartners and are cordial. 

At first my stepdaughter wanted nothing to do with me,a s could be expected, and she didn't speak to me or want to meet me for 6 months; My partner got a bit pushy with her wanting to hurry things along, but I told him to leave her be, and to let her meet me at her own pace. 

Finally she got too curious about me and decided to speak to me on the phoen; We spoke fr 1,5 hours that first time and hit it off immediately. I made sure to express to her that I had no intention of playing a mom to her, that I was just her dads girlfriend and that of course I was hoping to have a positive relationship with her too. I told her, and tell her often that she is the number 1 priority in her dad's life and that she will remain his number one priority. When we finally met we just felt so much love for each other, and the love between my stepdaughter and me just keeps growing. I think the main contributing factor is that all teh adults involved make her happiness the priority, both her dad, her mom and I. 

It took her mother longer to want to meet me, but she did, and we get along great as well. I think she is relieved that her ex is dating someone who loves her daughter and wants the best for her child. I have to give her props for how she handled the divorce, it wasn't easy on her, but she never was vengeful and always put her daughter first, making sure not to hurt her relationship with her dad. 

I know I'm lucky, I have a wonderful partner, who is a good dad to his daughter, his ex is gracious and kind, my stepdaughtr is amazing. But I know that had I not put her needs first I would have been the one who suffered.

I'm not saying you didn't put his kids needs first, but when I read things like "Make it clear that you are the most important woman in his life" I disagree. I think it should be clear to everyone that his kids are the most important people in his life. This is a place where you can build a healthy relationship from, both with him and his kids. It may of course be way too late for this, but maybe they would be up for joint therapy with you to try to resolve things and to say the unspoken things that need to be talked about? 

Apart from that I would avoid giving his children your money, that just builds an unhealthy balance in which you of course will feel that you are owed some respect because you helped them financially, but money is not what will make the kids love and respect you, so that cannot work. 

All this being said, I don't know teh first thjing about your situation or your relationships, thsi is just the best advice I have to share.


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## Orange_Pekoe

wifenumber2 said:


> I think I am to a point that I give up. I know I can't get out of seeing them but my thoughts are to be polite (say hello) and say no more and find another person or place and escape interaction.


I agree wholeheartedly with this. 
I know it hurts, a lot. I was in the same situation with my in-laws, only I lived with them and experienced those kinds of situations for 3 years. No wonder husband and I are getting a divorce. I literally had to leave him and them behind and start a new life!

In your case, they do not live with you (I'm assuming) so you can be polite, but not overly-warm. Hugs etc. are overly warm, just be polite, a tad friendly, and move on to the next person.


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## wifenumber2

Mussi: 

Wish my situation was like your's but it wasn't. I think he didn't stick up for me when he saw disrespectful behavior or at least say "she's my wife, you don't have to love her I understand that but when you are in our house I expect that you would give her the respect she deserves as my wife". , their mother "poisoned the well" where I was concerned as I heard some of the things she said first hand in front of the kids. I could have done better as well and now that they are grown so could they. 

It has been 15 years and the youngest of his children is 26. At this point, they should be growing more and more independent (financially) and now that they are all in their own relationships I think they should take a look and see that we are all adults now and a little understanding that while they would have loved for their parents to stay married, it is not always meant to be. His ex has remarried. I can tell you that I do get ignored. I'm just trying hard now to be polite but detach and be with those who do like me. I'll be honest, it hurts. I have people who are strangers who are kinder to me than them. It's hard when he keeps talking about all their achievements and scheduling outings for us to join them and then telling me. I wish I could be genuinely enthusiastic but I'm not. I just tell myself, deal with a few hours of being uncomfortable for the sake of your marriage because that is important to him. I think to tell him how I feel would be useless at this stage because something recently came up and I was accused of being jealous and I told him that there is a difference between being jealous and being hurt because as your wife, even though you tell me to communicate my wants/needs clearly I am doing that now and yet they are not being heard or in this recent instance resulting in something nice for his son and finance.


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## turnera

You get this because you allow it. 

"Let me know when you're ready to defend me in front of your kids and your ex. Until then, I have better things to do than go with you and get insulted."


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## rachaelm

I have had several stepmothers and never felt the urge to 'form a relationship' with any of them but they were only part of my life during summer vacations. You have been in their lives a long time but they are unlikely to change at this point. I would be pleasant but not overly friendly to them. Do not accept disrespect, though, you don't deserve it. You are his wife and share his life. He will say he cant control what they do but he can inflict consequences for their actions. It could be a source of inner conflict to them, like they think if they are nice to you, it is somehow a betrayal of their mother.


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