# Is hope lost??



## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

Hi all-
Ive posted on here how me and my guy are trying the long distance thing. He’s been gone since middle of July. We talk/ text daily and nothing has changed in that area at all. In fact, we’ve gotten closer if that makes sense. The only problem Is we haven’t seen each other since he left. Oh he’s had a time up there too. Meaning: new job, hectic hours, an ex who leaves town with the new hubby and sticks him with the kids every chance she gets. He told me 2 nights ago that he really thought he would get away this next weekend- ( visit me!!) but forgot his ex is going to Vegas and you got it- he’ll have the 16 year old with him and he’s a good dad so I don’t expect him to change this.
He also stated he has been down and bored lately. Our convos the past few nights have been doom and gloom on his end. Like he doesn’t engage in sexy talk, I ask- do you want to do those things to me? His reply- yeah. If I were closer. Just negative talk in my opinion. 
I’m tryin to stay positive. I reply things like: we need to get our calendars out and schedule some time. Some how, some way lol. I also told him that I get bummed too, but I look forward to the day we will be together.

Right now I feel he’s lost all hope.
And I feel he’ll be dumping me soon saying it’s not working. Men? Ladies? Any help? Please tell me it’ll get better?


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## Luminous (Jan 14, 2018)

I have a similar circumstance to yours. Me and my girl haven't seen each other since March. Talk every day, text during the day as well.

We have both been feeling the distance thing for a little while now and it is starting to get to us. Moreso because for the past 4 months my (self employed) work has been busier than ever and I live alone.

I sometimes get tired of talking also, but in those moments I remind myself that she is feeling the effects too and do it to reassure her that I'm sticking in their for the long haul.

The problem is, is that you are in a relationship, without the physicality, and in my case we didn't have a choice in the matter (different countries and closed borders).

On two occasion since March, I have had a day off talking, because I felt I needed a break from just talk, and I wanted to have something 'more' to talk about when we next caught up with each other.

Maybe suggest having a day or two off, if you both feel you are up to trying. Communicate that this is not to be taken in a negative way, but just so when you do in fact talk next, it will be a little 'fresher' than before.

One thing as well regarding 'sexy talk', perhaps doing that via a video app (whatsapp or similar) might spice things up a bit if he can see you during all this. Us guys are visual creatures. I'll leave it to you to decide what is appropriate, but lacy underwear hardly fails 

Don't lose hope, look at it as a way to get creative.


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

But why does something feel wrong? He says he would do those things if he were closer. That’s not a good sign, right?

I take that as it’ll never happen. It’s 3 am and I can’t even think. I keep seeing the yeah. If I were closer message.


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## Luminous (Jan 14, 2018)

Before you go putting more weight on his answer, is there a plan at all for you guys to meet up again? Is there a date? Is there something for you both to aim towards?

Also, I can say as a man that without the physical bond of intimacy (sexual or otherwise), just 'talking' about it after being apart for a while, you don't get as motivated because it is almost like a tease if there is no end game (date) in sight.

Maybe have a talk with him about it.


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

I thought about texting him this morning a message something like this: I know you’re busy and have a lot going on- kids, job, acclamation of a new town. But I like to propose some ideas- here is when I’m off ( show him work calendar days we are off holiday) and say- I like to see you if you are free on these days?
Also if one weekend he wanted to split a hotel close to my apartment- my 16 yr old lives with me, and I’ve never left him alone but the hotel is close I could monitor nearby if I had to.

What do you think?


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## Luminous (Jan 14, 2018)

Sue4473 said:


> I thought about texting him this morning a message something like this: I know you’re busy and have a lot going on- kids, job, acclamation of a new town. But I like to propose some ideas- here is when I’m off ( show him work calendar days we are off holiday) and say- I like to see you if you are free on these days?
> Also if one weekend he wanted to split a hotel close to my apartment- my 16 yr old lives with me, and I’ve never left him alone but the hotel is close I could monitor nearby if I had to.
> 
> What do you think?


Sounds like a great place to start!

Just one recommendation, don't use the word 'but' when you are empathising with someone. 

Anytime someone says they understand whatever the person's grievances are, then follows up with a 'but', it all but null and voids your understanding in their eyes, as if whatever follows that is more important.

I think spit balling ideas like you are may help get him out of his funk. Get him thinking about other things than the norm.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Sue4473 said:


> I thought about texting him this morning a message something like this: I know you’re busy and have a lot going on- kids, job, acclamation of a new town. But I like to propose some ideas- here is when I’m off ( show him work calendar days we are off holiday) and say- I like to see you if you are free on these days?
> Also if one weekend he wanted to split a hotel close to my apartment- my 16 yr old lives with me, and I’ve never left him alone but the hotel is close I could monitor nearby if I had to.
> 
> What do you think?


Why 16 year olds, his and yours can't stay alone at home for a time, is beyond me.

Kind of abnormal to think they can't be left alone if they're trustworthy. 

Why do you think they can't be left alone!


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Why 16 year olds, his and yours can't stay alone at home for a time, is beyond me.
> 
> Kind of abnormal to think they can't be left alone if they're trustworthy.
> 
> Why do you think they can't be left alone!


He may have to! I do have a google nest camera. My fear is having a girl over or him leaving the apartment complex. There’s some not so good kids around the corner. Guess I have to trust


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Why 16 year olds, his and yours can't stay alone at home for a time, is beyond me.
> 
> Kind of abnormal to think they can't be left alone if they're trustworthy.
> 
> Why do you think they can't be left alone!


I was going to say the same thing. At 16 they should be fine for a couple of days. If you are worried is there a friend or family member who can pop in and be there in case of emergencies?


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Sue4473 said:


> He may have to! I do have a google nest camera. My fear is having a girl over or him leaving the apartment complex. There’s some not so good kids around the corner. Guess I have to trust


I think you need to give your son some space and trust. You don't need to by spying on him or hovering over him so much. Talk to him about being safe, safe sex, decision-making, the rules while you are gone, and consequences. Then trust him. 

Kids are going to do what they're going to do. If you son is going to make dumb decisions about other kids or have sex, it's going to happen regardless. At least the latter would be in a safe environment. My wife's parents never left us home alone but we probably had just as much sex in their house as we did in my parents house, who left me home alone every weekend. I had sex in cars, school parking lot, in the school, outside, on a jampacked bus, movie theater, in a church... Where there's a will, there's a way. Same thing for hanging out with the "bad kids".


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

bobert said:


> I think you need to give your son some space and trust. You don't need to by spying on him or hovering over him so much. Talk to him about being safe, safe sex, decision-making, the rules while you are gone, and consequences. Then trust him.
> 
> Kids are going to do what they're going to do. If you son is going to make dumb decisions about other kids or have sex, it's going to happen regardless. At least the latter would be in a safe environment. My wife's parents never left us home alone but we probably had just as much sex in their house as we did in my parents house, who left me home alone every weekend. I had sex in cars, school parking lot, in the school, outside, on a jampacked bus, movie theater, in a church... Where there's a will, there's a way. Same thing for hanging out with the "bad kids".


True. So true.
so am I being crazy? Was his reply bad?
When I asked him if he wanted to do those things to me ( sexy things I texted) he said yeah. If I were closer. My hormonal self took it as it’s never gonna happen.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I'd get tired of sexting someone I hadn't seen in months, had no concrete plan to see, and had no concrete plan to ever live in the same vicinity with.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Truthfully? Sounds like seeing you is very low on his priority list. Maybe he doesn’t know how to deal with a long-distance relationship — or is finding that’s not for him. Maybe he’s already dating and doesn’t want to tell you. Maybe it’s something else entirely. Only he knows what’s really going on. My suggestion would be for you to back away and see what happens.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Livvie said:


> I'd get tired of sexting someone I hadn't seen in months, had no concrete plan to see, and had no concrete plan to ever live in the same vicinity with.


I gotta go with this.

If heroic efforts aren't being made, by either side here, really, to get together then objectively there isn't too deep a relationship?

I'm not trying to be unkind but to offer an outside perspective, pls don't take it as a snarky comment it's not intended to be.

He may well be fishing in local waters because he's not making a huge effort to fish in your waters at present. 

Long distance relationships are hard. Especially newer ones.

But bear in mind I could be wrong! 

The most important thing is to take care of yourself now. If this thing is meant to be, it will happen. Remember your well being isn't dependent on his actions!

I'd certainly stop calling and texting him. See what he does. And look out for closer relationships if you're looking to have a bf.

Hang in there!


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

Openminded said:


> Truthfully? Sounds like seeing you is very low on his priority list. Maybe he doesn’t know how to deal with a long-distance relationship — or is finding that’s not for him. Maybe he’s already dating and doesn’t want to tell you. Maybe it’s something else entirely. Only he knows what’s really going on. My suggestion would be for you to back away and see what happens.


I don’t see how he would have time to date- if he can’t even find time for me. I will back off and see what he does.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He would have time to date, if he chose, because that person would very likely be right there. A quick coffee or whatever would take no time at all. But he’s the only one who knows if he is or isn’t and he’s not going to say. See what happens when you back off.


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

I am- will keep you updated.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I tend to be of the thinking that if he really wanted this to work, he would make the time to see you. When I was dating my husband, no way would he have been ok with not seeing me for 4 months. I would have had to simply make myself available, he would have made the rest happen.

It doesn't mean he doesn't want you Sue, or that he doesn't care, it just means he's seeing the situation for what it is.

This was never going to be sustainable without an end date in mind for the distance factor.


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

frusdil said:


> I tend to be of the thinking that if he really wanted this to work, he would make the time to see you. When I was dating my husband, no way would he have been ok with not seeing me for 4 months. I would have had to simply make myself available, he would have made the rest happen.
> 
> It doesn't mean he doesn't want you Sue, or that he doesn't care, it just means he's seeing the situation for what it is.
> 
> This was never going to be sustainable without an end date in mind for the distance factor.


I know. It sucks. No word from him today at all. Why distance yourself? Just text me it’s not working. It’ll hurt either way


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## Luminous (Jan 14, 2018)

You are wondering why he isnt texting you back. What you should be considering is that you are placing YOUR expectations on when a reply should be made, on him.

Don't necessarily jump to conclusions because someone hasn't responded in a time that you think is right.


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

Luminous said:


> You are wondering why he isnt texting you back. What you should be considering is that you are placing YOUR expectations on when a reply should be made, on him.
> 
> Don't necessarily jump to conclusions because someone hasn't responded in a time that you think is right.


Yes on point! And you know what? He just texted few minutes ago stating he just got through watching his sons football game. Tomorrow night is another game. Guess he wanted me to know the scores and how his son did.

We still need to talk, but tonite isn’t the night. He can frustrate me and make me smile all in one day. Sigh


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He may not be sure yet whether or not it’s working.

ETA: You need to slow down or you’ll drive yourself crazy.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

Sue4473 said:


> an ex who leaves town with the new hubby and sticks him with the kids every chance she gets. He told me 2 nights ago that he really thought he would get away this next weekend- ( visit me!!) but forgot his ex is going to Vegas and you got it- he’ll have the 16 year old with him and he’s a good dad so I don’t expect him to change this.


You know this for a fact?



Sue4473 said:


> And I feel he’ll be dumping me soon saying it’s not working.


I think that if someone really wants to be with you, they'll make the time to see you. It sounds like he's making excuses and blaming the ex wife. Who knows what the real story is.


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

Openminded said:


> He may not be sure yet whether or not it’s working.
> 
> ETA: You need to slow down or you’ll drive yourself crazy.


That’s no lie.


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

GC1234 said:


> You know this for a fact?
> 
> 
> I think that if someone really wants to be with you, they'll make the time to see you. It sounds like he's making excuses and blaming the ex wife. Who knows what the real story is.


Yep. Why would he lie about being with his son?


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Sue4473 said:


> I know. It sucks. No word from him today at all. Why distance yourself? Just text me it’s not working. It’ll hurt either way


Very true, but he likely doesn't want to hurt you so is avoiding it - the irony lol.

He could also be busy, but he still could have shot you a message "Hey - can't talk today, will call tommorrow, miss you". It's not that hard.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

Sue4473 said:


> Yep. Why would he lie about being with his son?


I just meant be careful, b/c some men over-exaggerate how their ex spouses are to gain your sympathy. I think it's manipulative...not necessarily saying your bf is like this, but keep your eyes open.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Pls continue to do what's best for you.

It's 100% good to have the mindset that the whole thing may not work out.

Quit texting him for at least a couple, preferably more days.


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Pls continue to do what's best for you.
> 
> It's 100% good to have the mindset that the whole thing may not work out.
> 
> Quit texting him for at least a couple, preferably more days.


What does not texting him accomplish? I’m not asking out of meanness but just a general. I’m sure if I go off the grid for a few days he’ll often wonder and will be texting- how’s your day or week been.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

A very good question. To evaluate HIS commitment to trying to draw closer, or attempt to foster closeness.


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> A very good question. To evaluate HIS commitment to trying to draw closer, or attempt to foster closeness.


So if he does text and ask or sends me what he’s cooked for dinner is that a way of fostering closeness?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

It shows at least peripherally that he's thinking about you in the moment. 

Conversely if he goes a couple days between texts, he's not.

Let him pursue you. It's really the only way to get an inkling of where thus thing is.

Now, he still could be keeping you dangling but you'll have to evaluate the quality and perhaps honesty in his intentions.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

It's a way of keeping a texting relationship alive. A texting relationship isn't a real life spending time together sharing life together relationship. It's an electronic relationship. Lots of people have electronic relationships with different people in their lives, but they don't necessarily translate into "real life experience" relationships. You know, where you see each other in the flesh and experience life together, in the flesh.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

If you are receiving few texts and continue to constantly text him anyway, it comes across as needy or clingy, imho. 


ETA: Which is why you need to back off. It comes across as desperate. Not attractive. Just keep living your life. If it was meant to be, it will.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Didn't you mention in one of your other post that he had been in town but didn't make any attempt to see you? Wasn't this a new relationship right when Covid hit? And then he moved?(Or was that someone else?) Now in this post you state he "forgot" his ex was going out of town and he was watching his son so couldn't come see you. What dad forgets that kind of thing? Did his text have a sad face emoji?

Honestly things have gone on too long, if he he wanted to see you he would have made the time, it's truly that simple. The sexting is fun but doesn't a relationship make, it sounds like you are much more invested than him. I think you need to see things as they are, you're not in a relationship, you have a text buddy.


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

Cooper said:


> Didn't you mention in one of your other post that he had been in town but didn't make any attempt to see you? Wasn't this a new relationship right when Covid hit? And then he moved?(Or was that someone else?) Now in this post you state he "forgot" his ex was going out of town and he was watching his son so couldn't come see you. What dad forgets that kind of thing? Did his text have a sad face emoji?
> 
> Honestly things have gone on too long, if he he wanted to see you he would have made the time, it's truly that simple. The sexting is fun but doesn't a relationship make, it sounds like you are much more invested than him. I think you need to see things as they are, you're not in a relationship, you have a text buddy.


Not sure what you’re talking about in he was in town and never visited? 
yes, he moved in July for a new job and his kids. What dad forgets? A normal one who’s so busy to check and see when his ex is going out of town. If my ex sent me a calendar invite and I didn’t hear from him- I be in the same way. I forget.

We do text a lot but for right now it’s all we can do until we can carve out time to get together. I know couples now who are 15 min away from each other and text all th me time- and they don’t see each other every weekend. To each there own I presume.


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

Sue4473 said:


> Not sure what you’re talking about in he was in town and never visited?
> yes, he moved in July for a new job and his kids. What dad forgets? A normal one who’s so busy to check and see when his ex is going out of town. If my ex sent me a calendar invite and I didn’t hear from him- I be in the same way. I forget.
> 
> We do text a lot but for right now it’s all we can do until we can carve out time to get together. I know couples now who are 15 min away from each other and text all th me time- and they don’t see each other every weekend. To each there own I presume.


And I just got to thinking....if he’s a texting buddy then great! A good relationship is a balance of friendship and a lover! We have both


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Sue4473 said:


> And I just got to thinking....if he’s a texting buddy then great! A good relationship is a balance of friendship and a lover! We have both


Do you though? It doesn't seem like it from over here. If you guys really wanted to see eachother, you'd make it happen.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Sue4473 said:


> Not sure what you’re talking about in he was in town and never visited?
> yes, he moved in July for a new job and his kids. What dad forgets? A normal one who’s so busy to check and see when his ex is going out of town. If my ex sent me a calendar invite and I didn’t hear from him- I be in the same way. I forget.
> 
> We do text a lot but for right now it’s all we can do until we can carve out time to get together. I know couples now who are 15 min away from each other and text all th me time- and they don’t see each other every weekend. To each there own I presume.


I must have you mixed up with another poster, sorry.


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

Update:

I really want uplifting advice lol. I’m trying and I think he is too. This is just our crazy life.

I had a talk with my guy. He’s still pretty down. He says he really thought the only weekend he had was this weekend and he did forget the ex going out of town.
Then he said every weekend from now until Thanksgiving is filled with band or football. And that’s where he’s at. And he says he’s not gonna wish for something that can’t happen.’m

He sounds so doom and gloom. All I says was I wasn’t giving up and we will just deal as it comes.


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## Luminous (Jan 14, 2018)

Sue4473 said:


> Update:
> 
> I really want uplifting advice.


You have been given it by various people. It is your emotional state that is preventing you from seeing it. 

Take a few deep breaths... Really, just try it. 

When you feel yourself about to hyperventilate (a slight exaggeration hopefully), return to the basics on just focusing on your breathing. Do it for a few minutes at least until you feel rested and calm(er). 

If you take the time to digest what alot of people here have said, rather than give it a quick glimpse, you will find some rather uplifting nuggets of information.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Sue4473 said:


> Then he said every weekend from now until Thanksgiving is filled with band or football. And that’s where he’s at. And he says he’s not gonna wish for something that can’t happen. ... He sounds so doom and gloom. All I says was I wasn’t giving up and we will just deal as it comes.


Why put all your eggs in his basket? I'd suggest you start giving serious consideration to dating someone else. This guy's head isn't into dating or relationships at this point in time. Life happens, and it sounds like he's dealing with lots of other stuff that takes precedence over a relationship.

Have you considered playing the field or just kicking back and taking a break from this relationship?


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Sounds like he doesn’t have the balls to end it, so he’s hoping you will.

I’m so sorry.


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## leftfield (Mar 29, 2016)

When I am in a relationship I want my partner (girlfriend/wife) to work with me. Meet me halfway, if you will. How are you meeting him halfway on this? It seems like everything is on him right now.


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

Luminous said:


> You have been given it by various people. It is your emotional state that is preventing you from seeing it.
> 
> Take a few deep breaths... Really, just try it.
> 
> ...





frusdil said:


> Sounds like he doesn’t have the balls to end it, so he’s hoping you will.
> 
> I’m so sorry.


Don’t know 🤷🏻‍♀️ Just think he’s down and frustrated. It’s hard especially with kids in activities all the time.


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

leftfield said:


> When I am in a relationship I want my partner (girlfriend/wife) to work with me. Meet me halfway, if you will. How are you meeting him halfway on this? It seems like everything is on him right now.


Can’t meet halfway right now. Weekends are all we have- so right now it looks like it’s not possible.
Maybe a friendship will have to do till time permits.


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## FizzBomb (Dec 31, 2013)

He’s got all the excuses under the sun for not being able to see you doesn’t he?
First he ‘forgot’ his wife was going out of town and he couldn’t leave his 16 yo. Now it’s band and sport practice every single weekend. Convenient, no?
Look, he doesn’t want to be with you. Ok. Sorry. You have to face it. He’s got zero interest in seeing you. Zero. If he’s suddenly got no weekends free in the foreseeable future that he couldn’t even see you once, then you need to entertain the possibility that he’s got another girlfriend. 

1. Stop texting him
2. Start dating other men

You are not even a priority to him.


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

FizzBomb said:


> He’s got all the excuses under the sun for not being able to see you doesn’t he?
> First he ‘forgot’ his wife was going out of town and he couldn’t leave his 16 yo. Now it’s band and sport practice every single weekend. Convenient, no?
> Look, he doesn’t want to be with you. Ok. Sorry. You have to face it. He’s got zero interest in seeing you. Zero. If he’s suddenly got no weekends free in the foreseeable future that he couldn’t even see you once, then you need to entertain the possibility that he’s got another girlfriend.
> 
> ...


Then he should tell me that. He knows me well enough not to string me along- for what purpose does he have? And yes there’s football like he stated all up to Thanksgiving. I even looked on the kids athletics school schedule. So no, not lying. My post was to see how people do this or when you both have kids and activities. Maybe I’m not a priority- time will tell, but he’s not lying on schedules,


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

If he's so busy until Thanksgiving, then why isn't he setting something up immediately after Thanksgiving? Or he really can't miss one single band/game? Parents have lives too. Hell, if he really wanted to he could come see you a Friday right after work and go home Saturday morning.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

...or SHE could go visit him!


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Sue4473 said:


> Then he should tell me that. He knows me well enough not to string me along- for what purpose does he have? And yes there’s football like he stated all up to Thanksgiving. I even looked on the kids athletics school schedule. So no, not lying. My post was to see how people do this or when you both have kids and activities. Maybe I’m not a priority- time will tell, but he’s not lying on schedules,


Ok how about some advice that goes the opposite direction. I'm like you, if you don't want to be with me then tell me. If you do and are having trouble I"m all in so I'll do what I can. 

How about force his hand. Instead of meeting him halfway meet him all the way. Offer o all the way to his town on the weekend. Find out what time you two can have a date while your kids hang out together at his house. They are old enough to be alone together. Say you'd like to watch a football game. 

If he turns that down because the whole weekend is football or such there's your answer. If you two don't want you kids meeting then yours stays in your hotel room and his at his house. But this will let you know where he's at. He's either truly overwhelmed or he's making excuses and lying to you. If he's overwhelmed you'd be brightening up his weekend and showing him you care for him. If he's lying and trying to distance/let go you should be able to tell by how the conversation goes.

Lots of people are having trouble with Covid now and many have trouble shuffling divorced life so he could be telling the truth.


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

the opposite direction. I'm like you, if you don't want to be with me then tell me. If you do and are having trouble I"m all in so I'll do what I can. 

How about force his hand. Instead of meeting him halfway meet him all the way. Offer o all the way to his town on the weekend. Find out what time you two can have a date while your kids hang out together at his house. They are old enough to be alone together. Say you'd like to watch a football game. 

If he turns that down because the whole weekend is football or such there's your answer. If you two don't want you kids meeting then yours stays in your hotel room and his at his house. But this will let you know where he's at. He's either truly overwhelmed or he's making excuses and lying to you. If he's overwhelmed you'd be brightening up his weekend and showing him you care for him. If he's lying and trying to distance/let go you should be able to tell by how the conversation goes.

Lots of people are having trouble with Covid now and many have trouble shuffling divorced life so he could be telling the truth.
[/QUOTE]

He’s telling the truth re: busy w games/band. But I need to offer up dates and times. If he doesn’t respond then I’ll know my answer. I’m letting my fear get in the way cause I don’t want to hear bad. But worrying isn’t good for me either.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

If he wants to see you, he will — even if it’s only for an hour or two. If he doesn’t want to see you, he won’t — and it’s better to find that out sooner rather than later. No benefit to postponing the end (if that’s what it really is) because the pain will still be waiting.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

Sue4473 said:


> Don’t know  Just think he’s down and frustrated. It’s hard especially with kids in activities all the time.


This will not change any time soon.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

Openminded said:


> If he wants to see you, he will — even if it’s only for an hour or two. If he doesn’t want to see you, he won’t — and it’s better to find that out sooner rather than later. No benefit to postponing the end (if that’s what it really is) because the pain will still be waiting.


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

Sue4473 said:


> Sue4473 said:
> 
> 
> > Should I just ask? Do you even want to see me?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You can absolutely ask but do you think he will really tell you the truth if he doesn’t?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

He moved, started a new job, is settling in, it getting to know his kids again. Why the heck haven't you offered to go visit HIM?


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

Openminded said:


> You can absolutely ask but do you think he will really tell you the truth if he doesn’t?


From knowing him- yes I think he would. I can see him saying of course I do but right now kids and life are happening. Now that’s not to say we can’t figure something out. If he’s willing. Cause at this point- why are we still in contact? I’m not just a pen pal. 
But he’s still in contact. So I will try offering to come see him when if it’s for a day.


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

Livvie said:


> He moved, started a new job, is settling in, it getting to know his kids again. Why the heck haven't you offered to go visit HIM?


I mentioned that he other day- that I could always come to him. I don’t drive highways due to an eye condition, but I’m not opposed to Uber or a bus. I’m willing to do whatever


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

What did he say when you offered to go to him?


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

Openminded said:


> What did he say when you offered to go to him?


Nothing yet. I know he read it so maybe he knows where I’m at. We’ve chatted a bit here and there , but I know he’s visiting with his son


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Don’t mention it again. See what he does with that.


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

Openminded said:


> Don’t mention it again. See what he does with that.


I will. Right now, I’m just letting him come to me, ask me questions, chit chat etc. I’m seeing what he does.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Do you think you'll remain friends with him if that's all he wants? Do you think he's just really busy, or do you think he might be trying to end the relationship? Surely you have some gut feelings about this.


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

Prodigal said:


> Do you think you'll remain friends with him if that's all he wants? Do you think he's just really busy, or do you think he might be trying to end the relationship? Surely you have some gut feelings about this.


I have many feelings lol. But typically my gut feeling is fear setting in and not my gut. I think he’s really busy. At first I thought he was losing hope and just sounded doom and gloom. 
We really couldn’t be friends after all we’ve been through and done.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Sue4473 said:


> I have many feelings lol. But typically my gut feeling is fear setting in and not my gut. I think he’s really busy. At first I thought he was losing hope and just sounded doom and gloom.
> We really couldn’t be friends after all we’ve been through and done.


I'm sure he is really busy, as are you. I'm sure between the two of you, you could come up with a way to see each other at least every other weekend. You could do it where you go to him one weekend, he to you the other. Then you're both only travelling once a month. Totally doable. But you both have to want that and be prepared to do it. I think you are, but he clearly isn't.

Even if you do make plans for Thanksgiving, what then? Do you wait another 4 months? Wondering wtf? There's no way this will last if that's the case. Not a chance in hell.

If I were you, I would call him and put the above scenario to him and see what he says. If he does anything but jump at it, there's your answer honey.


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

frusdil said:


> I'm sure he is really busy, as are you. I'm sure between the two of you, you could come up with a way to see each other at least every other weekend. You could do it where you go to him one weekend, he to you the other. Then you're both only travelling once a month. Totally doable. But you both have to want that and be prepared to do it. I think you are, but he clearly isn't.
> 
> Even if you do make plans for Thanksgiving, what then? Do you wait another 4 months? Wondering wtf? There's no way this will last if that's the case. Not a chance in hell.
> 
> If I were you, I would call him and put the above scenario to him and see what he says. If he does anything but jump at it, there's your answer honey.


Chatting a bit with him I found out that on his day off ( Friday) his boys came over and stayed. Saturday, one left and other 2 stayed. Then his mom came over last night- so she could take one son to eye doctor. He had full company this weekend! And games/band thereafter. My son is 16 but does nothing extra lol. I’m doing good just to get him through high school. 

So yes, I have a lot more time and resources to see him. I can’t just run off in a whim due to my responsibilities, but can let the foundation of me visiting and see if he takes it. I think it’ll be like this for awhile till kids get busy with gf, friends, life. 

He is worth waiting- IF he’s wanting the same thing. And I get what you are saying.... I need to see if he is, otherwise what’s the point.

Keep fingers crosse

Sue


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

If you judged him solely on his actions you would realize he is not that Into you. He’s a coward who doesn’t want to end it. He is stringing you along. It takes two to make a relationship work, and your working overtime. 

You guys don’t live that far away. There is no reason why you can’t meet in the middle and do dinner sometime. He can leave his son for a few hours. All I hear is excuses.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

What's concerning is that _before_ he moved, you said you saw each other only every other weekend. That's 4 days a month. That's not a strong base you had, to move to long distance


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

Livvie said:


> What's concerning is that _before_ he moved, you said you saw each other only every other weekend. That's 4 days a month. That's not a strong base you had, to move to long distance


🤷🏻‍♀️ Do the best we can.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Sue4473 said:


> Do the best we can.


He’s not doing the best he can.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Sue4473 said:


> 🤷🏻‍♀️ Do the best we can.


Yes. But what I'm saying is, even when you lived close to each other you weren't seeing each other very much. And, his kids weren't there when him taking up his time. So why weren't you seeing each other much when you did live in the same area?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Girl_power said:


> He’s not doing the best he can.


She's not, either. If my guy moved and started a new job, I'd be there the next weekend helping him unpack, set up, and cook him a special meal, etc. That's what couples do.


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

Livvie said:


> Yes. But what I'm saying is, even when you lived close to each other you weren't seeing each other very much. And, his kids weren't there when him taking up his time. So why weren't you seeing each other much when you did live in the same area?


It was just the type of relationship we had. We talked daily and felt secured that we didn’t need to see one another all the time. I can’t answer


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Sue4473 said:


> It was just the type of relationship we had. We talked daily and felt secured that we didn’t need to see one another all the time. I can’t answer


Well, if it wasn't a priority for either of you to spend much actual time together when you lived in the same place, I can see why it isn't now that you live 2.25 hours away from each other and he's exponentially more busy.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I didn’t realize you didn’t see him much when he lived near you. If you weren’t really that close then, moving 2.5 hours away wouldn’t improve it.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Every other weekend when he was living there? Sounds like it meant more to you than to him.


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

Livvie said:


> Well, if it wasn't a priority for either of you to spend much actual time together when you lived in the same place, I can see why it isn't now that you live 2.25 hours away from each other and he's exponentially more busy.


Yeah maybe this is what we have lol
The move happened so fast and we were still figuring us out. I’m going to play it out and see what develops.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Your pattern in the past has been the one who always cares more. That makes you the vulnerable one.


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

Openminded said:


> Your pattern in the past has been the one who always cares more. That makes you the vulnerable one.


How do you not care? Is this something that can be achieved? When you like someone, it’s just normal.. no?
But yeah I think I know what you’re saying. I do care. A lot


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Sue4473 said:


> How do you not care? Is this something that can be achieved? *When you like someone, it’s just normal.. no?*
> But yeah I think I know what you’re saying. I do care. A lot


No. The problem is that you invest too much, too soon in your relationships. You are all in every time. They are not. Guess who ends up burned?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

In response as to whether or not hope is lost, I'd have to say there isn't/wasn't much to hope about from the get-go. It sounds like he enjoyed your company, but didn't want to get really serious; at least, not at this time. 

I guess I still don't understand why you don't start dating other guys, or at least consider it. To tell you he's booked solid until Thanksgiving just leaves you hanging. I personally wouldn't wait around that long.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

Sue4473 said:


> How do you not care? Is this something that can be achieved? When you like someone, it’s just normal.. no?
> But yeah I think I know what you’re saying. I do care. A lot


Sue...you need to turn this level of caring towards yourself. I can’t see how you love yourself very much if what you are experiencing now seems like it’s worth your time and all of this worry. I think if you loved yourself a little more, you would see that you deserve so much more.


ETA: Maybe dating in general is not the greatest of ideas until you can learn to love yourself more. I know it’s not easy but if you take the time to do this, you will have so much more to offer the RIGHT man when he (finally) does comes along. Said with love


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## FizzBomb (Dec 31, 2013)

Prodigal said:


> I guess I still don't understand why you don't start dating other guys, or at least consider it. To tell you he's booked solid until Thanksgiving just leaves you hanging. I personally wouldn't wait around that long.


Me neither. I mean I’m not waiting around as a low to no priority with no plans to meet up.
I wouldn’t be waiting round that long to have sex that’s for sure.
How was the sex before he moved away?
He’s either got no sex drive or he’s test driving some new girlfriend(s).


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

FizzBomb said:


> Me neither. I mean I’m not waiting around as a low to no priority with no plans to meet up.
> I wouldn’t be waiting round that long to have sex that’s for sure.
> How was the sex before he moved away?
> He’s either got no sex drive or he’s test driving some new girlfriend(
> ...


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