# Wife confessed to lesbian sex before marriage, confused...ugh.



## Nathan

I've been with my wife for a total of 14 years; we met when we were 17 and married 5 years ago. I would rate our marriage as A+ excellent. Sex, respect, communication, everything. We've genuinely enjoyed each others' company from day one and it only got better when we married.

About 8 years ago she went and visited a female friend of hers about 300 miles away. I didn't think twice about it...we've never had a trust issue. When she returned from her trip she told me that her friend made a pass at her while drinking ****tails outside her apartment. I thought it was sort of funny at the time; this girl had a history of promiscuous behavior so it wasn't a huge surprise to me. My wife (girlfriend at the time) told me the whole thing was really awkward and I never thought much of it.

As years went on I would pry a little harder about what really happened with her and her friend. Partly because I'm perverted guy and I sort of love the idea of my wife engaging in lesbian sex (or so I thought). It sort of became a joke after a while...

I don't know what came over me last week but for some reason I decided I was going to really drill my wife about it...it was all in good fun. We don't argue. Mind you, we're talking about something that (supposedly didn't) happen 8 years ago. 

Then, like a ton of bricks...my wife says "Ok...yes, she went down on me." I thought she was kidding. She wasn't. I almost fainted. I kept pressing for details for 20 minutes...each detail making me more nauseous...like I had opened this giant, giant, horrible can of worms. My wife's new account of the story as of 10 days ago is that "She tried to get me to take some pill, I refused, we were drinking and she said she was in love with me and wanted me to try having sex with her and that if I didn't like it I could stop." 

My first question was "How long did you let her lick you for?!?" to which she responded "It was nothing, like 20 minutes" -- this really made me sad! 20 minutes!?! She has now recanted and claims it was more like 5 minutes. She says that she felt weird, it didn't feel good, and she made the girl stop, at which point she went to sleep in the living room and drove home early the next morning... She said she cried the entire way home.

Here's the problem: I was reading the infidelity forum here and I can't possibly insult those people with my little story so I thought I would post it here. But...I still feel sick over this. Literally 10 days ago I believed every word my wife said...and now...I find a hard time believing anything from her.

I also regret that I was with her for my entire 20s and never thought twice about "experimenting" with another girl, etc... I feel robbed of that. I wonder if she'd told me the truth 8 years ago whether or not I ever would've married her.

We have a two year old daughter and I feel like I can't even look at her the same way I did 10 days ago. I used to look at my daughter and see my wife, my love for her, my dedication to our family and our marriage and honesty (blah blah blah...that stuff all seems like horses**t now) and now it's like part of me is broken.

Am I overreacting to this? I'm tired of feeling like a sucker. 

Don't laugh at me . I can already hear all the guys saying "Awesome!" -- Don't get me wrong...that makes it even harder to get over because my emotions are all twisted up with my hormones. I'm right there with ya. Had you asked me 10 days ago if I'd like to see my wife with another woman I would've responded with a resounding YES. How wrong I would've been!

Also worried that my wife is a lesbian. I'm not anti-gay or anything...just worried that MY wife is a lesbian.


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## DanF

I'm not going to laugh at you, but really, what do you want here?

You weren't married.
You knew that the friend had tried.
You thought it was hot.
You pressured your wife for 8 years to give you more detail.
You finally got all the details.
You got everything that you asked for and now want it all to go away.

Personally, I think the idea of a threesome is incredibly erotic. I would rather keep it a fantasy. You probably should have, too.

Now, all you can do I think is suck it up and do your best to put it behind you. Punishing your wife for giving you information that you have hounded her about for 8 years will likely drive her away.


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## Shaggy

No laughing.

She cheated in your relationship and lied about it for years.

You found out 10 days ago. So for you it just happened. You are 100% right to feel like you do.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964

Oh man. You must have known deep down something was up, or you wouldn't have kept pressing for all those years.

Are you sure she actually did what she says she did? Or did she finally tell you what she thinks you wanted to hear to shut you up about it? 

Oh, and this definitely belongs in the infidelity forum - don't feel like it would be 'bothering' those of us who hang out there


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## DanF

Hope1964 said:


> Oh man. You must have known deep down something was up, or you wouldn't have kept pressing for all those years.


Good point.



Hope1964 said:


> Are you sure she actually did what she says she did? Or did she finally tell you what she thinks you wanted to hear to shut you up about it?


Very good point.



Hope1964 said:


> Oh, and this definitely belongs in the infidelity forum - don't feel like it would be 'bothering' those of us who hang out there


Agree.

Girls are so smart.


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## Laurae1967

Shaggy said:


> No laughing.
> 
> She cheated in your relationship and lied about it for years.
> 
> You found out 10 days ago. So for you it just happened. You are 100% right to feel like you do.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree: This is a betrayal. She was your girlfriend and she cheated on you, it just happened to be with a woman. It's still a betrayal.

I would talk to her and tell her how upset you are, that it has disrupted your feelings of trust in her. You need time to heal. You need time to rebuild your broken trust in her. BUT you can get over this in time. Tell your wife you need her to be 100% honest and for her to be patient while you grieve and then move on from this.


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## LimboGirl

I'm so sorry for you. It is no different than if she had let a man do it. She should have told you before you married.

On the other hand, is it true? If you ask her if it's true you give her the opportunity to lie her way out of it again. I would think that if it wasn't true she would be telling you this after seeing your reaction.


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## Nathan

I'm sure that it happened. I think my wife would've taken any chance to retract the entire story and dismiss it as "messing with me" etc. I hoped that's what it was at first.

I don't want to make it sound like I "hounded" her -- this was something I've possibly brought up a half-dozen times very casually, jokingly over the past 8 years.

Maybe I was fooling myself by thinking this didn't belong in the infidelity forum. I wish it didn't belong there.

I feel like so much of our relationship was based on trust...and now there is none. I don't lie. I just don't. I was actually a boy scout. As such I've now lost all faith in my marriage and marriage in general...I've started working out, etc...as if I might find myself on the market again when my wife drops the next bomb. I didn't want this to be my life.

If a moderator wants to move this to the infidelity forum please feel free to do so. I won't be offended.

I keep asking myself..."What would I be doing if my wife had sex with another man instead of a woman?" The answer is: I would leave her. I would pack up and leave right now. I don't care if it was 8 years ago and before we were married. I'd love to start a new life with someone who wouldn't lie to me. I miss that feeling .


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## LimboGirl

Nathan said:


> I'm sure that it happened. I think my wife would've taken any chance to retract the entire story and dismiss it as "messing with me" etc. I hoped that's what it was at first.
> 
> I don't want to make it sound like I "hounded" her -- this was something I've possibly brought up a half-dozen times very casually, jokingly over the past 8 years.
> 
> Maybe I was fooling myself by thinking this didn't belong in the infidelity forum. I wish it didn't belong there.
> 
> I feel like so much of our relationship was based on trust...and now there is none. I don't lie. I just don't. I was actually a boy scout. As such I've now lost all faith in my marriage and marriage in general...I've started working out, etc...as if I might find myself on the market again when my wife drops the next bomb. I didn't want this to be my life.
> 
> If a moderator wants to move this to the infidelity forum please feel free to do so. I won't be offended.
> 
> I keep asking myself..."What would I be doing if my wife had sex with another man instead of a woman?" The answer is: I would leave her. I would pack up and leave right now. I don't care if it was 8 years ago and before we were married. I'd love to start a new life with someone who wouldn't lie to me. I miss that feeling .


You could try MC. Your decision to leave or try to fix this really shouldn't depend on the sex of the other person. She cheated on you before you were married. That's the reality.


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## CalifGuy

On the one hand, you two weren't married yet when she was with the other woman.

But, on the other hand, she lied to you for all these years and did cheat on you. She should have confessed to it when it happened or at least before you were married.

In my own marriage, my DW and I have spent all but about four nights together since we first had our first date. For two of those nights, a month into the relationship, I was with another woman who I had been dating prior to my wife. While this was wrong, I did confess to the sin within a couple weeks after it happened and my DW was free to stay or leave. Your wife, on the other hand, did not give you such a luxury.


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## Hope1964

When I found out my hubby cheated I kicked him out that very day. We actually reconciled.


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## DanF

Nathan said:


> I'm sure that it happened. I think my wife would've taken any chance to retract the entire story and dismiss it as "messing with me" etc. I hoped that's what it was at first.


It is rough, I'm sure.



Nathan said:


> I don't want to make it sound like I "hounded" her -- this was something I've possibly brought up a half-dozen times very casually, jokingly over the past 8 years.
> 
> Maybe I was fooling myself by thinking this didn't belong in the infidelity forum. I wish it didn't belong there.
> 
> I feel like so much of our relationship was based on trust...and now there is none. I don't lie. I just don't. I was actually a boy scout. As such I've now lost all faith in my marriage and marriage in general...I've started working out, etc...as if I might find myself on the market again when my wife drops the next bomb. I didn't want this to be my life.
> 
> If a moderator wants to move this to the infidelity forum please feel free to do so. I won't be offended.
> 
> I keep asking myself..."What would I be doing if my wife had sex with another man instead of a woman?" The answer is: I would leave her. I would pack up and leave right now. I don't care if it was 8 years ago and before we were married. I'd love to start a new life with someone who wouldn't lie to me. I miss that feeling .


On reading the other responses, I would like to add to my first response.
Everything in that post is true, but the other posters are right. She was unfaithful and held it for 8 years, not giving you the option then of leaving or working it out.
As far as the "hounding" goes; What may seem like a casual smartass remark to you could seem like more to her, especially given what you know now.
I have always casually joked to my wife about her fooling around. Stuff like, "That lot boy at your store looks like a young hottie. Are you showing him what a cougar can do?"
After the affairs and reconciliation, I didn't change that. One day she just told me, "Enough! Enough with the boyfriend crap!"
I stopped.

I hope that the two of you can work it out and be happy.


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## sadcalifornian

What you lost is the innocence in your relationship. For some strange reason, cheating with another woman sometimes does not come across as devastatingly as with another man. However, yes, it is still a cheating. 

As for your W's account of what happened, it sounds very fishy. She let her lick her xxxxxxx for 20 minutes, then changed to 5 minutes, and slept on the couch because she did not want to betray you further? So, she cried all the way home? 

I don't know. It just doesn't seem truthful. I don't want to incite paranoia here, but she probably had a full lesbian sex there, and crying on the way home is a total bull. 

Just a single instance like that does not make her a lesbian, but you must deal with it so that you can heal properly. You probably need to book MC to deal with this. Is there any other incident during your marriage that might raise red flag in hindsight? W's lesbian affair is often hard to recognize, as we would never think W spending time with another girl as any kind of sexual encounter. 

If possible, polygraph would help clear the air, but only you would know whether she would be willling to accept such radical measure.


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## aug

Is she still in contact with that female friend? Had they kept in touch since?


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## Nathan

They have not been in touch to my knowledge. My wife said her friend immediately tried to contact her after she drove home and apologized via voicemail; said she hoped she hadn't destroyed their friendship. My wife claims to have never returned her call.

About a year after this event my girlfriend (now wife) and I went through a 4 month rough patch. During this rough patch she changed. I got a little paranoid and ended up going through her cell phone bill. What I found was a series of very long (45 min+) phone conversations with a number...the calls were either late at night or during her evening commute. I called the number and a guy answered. I hung up and confronted her about it. She claimed it was a work friend and that they were just talking about "work" and "relationships". I freaked out a bit. She said she promised it was nothing and that I was overreacting...and that the guy she was talking to had a girlfriend (they are now married, too, in fact). 

I was talking to my wife last night. I told her that I felt betrayed; that I would never know what, if anything, truly happened. I'll never know if she enjoyed the sex with the other girl or whether my suspicions about her long late-night conversations with this other guy ever materialized into something more "concrete". She has too much to lose at this point for me to believe she isn't withholding facts in order to keep us (and our family) together.

On the polygraph note; funny you mentioned it because it was one of the first ideas I had last week. I thought I was CRAZY wanting her to take a polygraph test and I feel better knowing perhaps I'm not. She willfully agreed! I found this promising...but girls...are so smart. I feel like I'm dealing with a successful career con artist at this point. Last night she was crying in bed next to me and I apologized for keeping her up with my pontificating...she said "If it will keep us together, you can talk to me about this every night for the rest of our lives." The old me would've found this touching.

Supposes she fails the polygraph? What if she isn't lying but still fails? What if she has a breakdown and confesses to multiple affairs before our marriage? What if she passes the polygraph but is lying?

I'm still in disbelief that this is my life, now. Watching my wife hooked up to a machine with some stranger asking her intimate questions about her past. Hooray :scratchhead:


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## Hicks

I think it was reasonable for her to explore her sexuality at the young age of 23, prior to her marriage. What is unusual is that you took her from childhood to adulthood and had a 9 year courtship. People normally explore both their sexuality and really have a need to explore what they need in a marital partner. There are so many stories on here about wives who cheat who "never had a chance to experience anything else". I personally think there is a major difference between your pre-maritial relationship and your post marital relationship. And, you have to ask yourself are you willing to harm your marriage and the lives of your children becuase of your own insecurity? It really boils down to is she a quality, faithful wife and mother. 

Furthermore, you asked your wife about this event in a sexual / fantasy / humourous way. When she tells you the truth, you become insecure and strange. I think you have damaged her ability to trust you. You should tread carefully, because your own reaction is probably something she could not have predicted and she may lose her sense of security with you.


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## Juicy

From the sounds of things your W seems very sorry about the whole situation and doesn't seem like she wanted it to happen. I think when it happened she didn't want to tell you as she didn't want to lose you. For her it was a mistake and something she didn't want to happen. So that's why she probably never mentioned the whole story to you.

I do think she should have told you at the time it happened but she probably didn't want to risk losing you over something she regrets and did not want to happen in the first place. 

However the way you are feeling is normal. It is still classified as cheating. But I think your W did not intend for it to happen. The problem for you is you now know what happened and feel you cannot trust her. Other than this incident has she ever given you a reason not to trust her?

It sounds like a difficult situation and it will probably take time for you to get over it. Perhaps MC could help your relationship?

But I think you shouldn't regret being with her for all those years and not 'experiencing' with other girls. If at the time you were happy, don't regret it. Like I said, I don't think she intended it to happen so she probably didn't tell you as she felt too guilty.


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## HelloooNurse

All I can say is "be careful what you wish for.. because it just might turn out to be true" !


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## Patricia B. Pina

This thread should be redirected to the infidelity forum.


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## ashamed74

Nathan said:


> I've been with my wife for a total of 14 years; we met when we were 17 and married 5 years ago. I would rate our marriage as A+ excellent. Sex, respect, communication, everything. We've genuinely enjoyed each others' company from day one and it only got better when we married.
> 
> About 8 years ago she went and visited a female friend of hers about 300 miles away. I didn't think twice about it...we've never had a trust issue. When she returned from her trip she told me that her friend made a pass at her while drinking ****tails outside her apartment. I thought it was sort of funny at the time; this girl had a history of promiscuous behavior so it wasn't a huge surprise to me. My wife (girlfriend at the time) told me the whole thing was really awkward and I never thought much of it.
> 
> As years went on I would pry a little harder about what really happened with her and her friend. Partly because I'm perverted guy and I sort of love the idea of my wife engaging in lesbian sex (or so I thought). It sort of became a joke after a while...
> 
> I don't know what came over me last week but for some reason I decided I was going to really drill my wife about it...it was all in good fun. We don't argue. Mind you, we're talking about something that (supposedly didn't) happen 8 years ago.
> 
> Then, like a ton of bricks...my wife says "Ok...yes, she went down on me." I thought she was kidding. She wasn't. I almost fainted. I kept pressing for details for 20 minutes...each detail making me more nauseous...like I had opened this giant, giant, horrible can of worms. My wife's new account of the story as of 10 days ago is that "She tried to get me to take some pill, I refused, we were drinking and she said she was in love with me and wanted me to try having sex with her and that if I didn't like it I could stop."
> 
> My first question was "How long did you let her lick you for?!?" to which she responded "It was nothing, like 20 minutes" -- this really made me sad! 20 minutes!?! She has now recanted and claims it was more like 5 minutes. She says that she felt weird, it didn't feel good, and she made the girl stop, at which point she went to sleep in the living room and drove home early the next morning... She said she cried the entire way home.
> 
> Here's the problem: I was reading the infidelity forum here and I can't possibly insult those people with my little story so I thought I would post it here. But...I still feel sick over this. Literally 10 days ago I believed every word my wife said...and now...I find a hard time believing anything from her.
> 
> I also regret that I was with her for my entire 20s and never thought twice about "experimenting" with another girl, etc... I feel robbed of that. I wonder if she'd told me the truth 8 years ago whether or not I ever would've married her.
> 
> We have a two year old daughter and I feel like I can't even look at her the same way I did 10 days ago. I used to look at my daughter and see my wife, my love for her, my dedication to our family and our marriage and honesty (blah blah blah...that stuff all seems like horses**t now) and now it's like part of me is broken.
> 
> Am I overreacting to this? I'm tired of feeling like a sucker.
> 
> Don't laugh at me . I can already hear all the guys saying "Awesome!" -- Don't get me wrong...that makes it even harder to get over because my emotions are all twisted up with my hormones. I'm right there with ya. Had you asked me 10 days ago if I'd like to see my wife with another woman I would've responded with a resounding YES. How wrong I would've been!
> 
> Also worried that my wife is a lesbian. I'm not anti-gay or anything...just worried that MY wife is a lesbian.


I hope my wife has a story for me like that someday. How incredibly hot. I wouldn't let that worry ya sick.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Runs like Dog

There's a lot of LUGS out there. Look it up.


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