# Visit Swing Club but not Swing to Enhance?



## nehemiah (Dec 6, 2014)

Hello. I'm a new member but have found the forum very helpful previously. I've been married for 15 years to an amazing and stunning wife. She is really really beautiful and that has led to the current issue. Please let me give some background:

I am an avid photographer, and because she is so curvy (but at ideal weight) and attractive , I've bought her a lot of sexy clothes and love photographing her. We often then have sex, and she seems to be turned on by modeling for me. We've never ever been close to even think about venturing outside of our marriage. My wife is very loving and has never refused me in over 15 years -- not even once (and usually seems very eager to please me). I see her in these very high-end sexy clothes, and I'm finding myself desiring to see her desired by other men (but not to actually do anything with them). There are no places she can wear these clothes to, except I found a "lifestyle club" where it would be welcome, and I'd enjoy seeing her there that way, but am concerned that it is opening a Pandora's Box. We would never consider ever going outside the marriage. I am at least a little familiar with the thinking of many of the regulars here, and know there is good advice to be had, so thank you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Have you discussed this with her? 

I would say to stay away from this idea. Here's why. You have a very good wife and a good marriage. She's right there with you doing the things you like. But now that's not enough for you. You want to take her places to show her off and have over men desire her.

I believe that you will not stop there. There is a natural progression to this sort of thing. Once one level is satisfied, you will need to take it to the next level... other men touching her, then her with other men, and so forth.

Do you really want to put a good thing on the line for this?


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## nehemiah (Dec 6, 2014)

EleGirl,

I'm very familiar with New Mexico (lived there for quite a while) and miss the Green Chile Stew and Sopaipillas with honey. The latter is something my wife really likes.

It's hard to argue with your reasoning as I'm sure you're right (things may try to naturally progress to how you've described). If there were options that were more fun than risky, I'd enjoy taking her out when she looks so good.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Why do you think you get off on the idea of other men desiring her. 

My take on it is that it makes you feel like the winner because she is yours and not theirs. It's an ego boost for you. So you are willing to put her out there in a way that might very well humiliate her to build up your own ego and turn you on.

I'm not trying to insult you here. that's the way I see it. I'm curious about your motivation.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Disclaimer: I despise swinging and sharing.

With that said, you have it very good. You would most certainly harm/taint/spoil your very good life with this urge. That is really all it is, an urge. We all have urges but our mind controls them. Sounds like you let this one get away with you a bit. Urges get stronger if we entertain them too much.

Your idolization of your wife is not good for either of you. She cannot be on a pedestal very long and remain healthy.

She is a flesh and blood woman with imperfections and she needs a man that will not worship her as divine. She married you and wants you and needs you to understand her as a faulty, needy human being.

You will destroy something precious if you keep entertaining this urge.


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## nehemiah (Dec 6, 2014)

Thanks for the replies. I didn't discuss this particular issue with her (I was about to ask as there is an event tomorrow being a Saturday). She probably would say no unless I was really persistent.

As for the origin of the desire, I do believe that there is an element of pride (not just this, but I think a lot of "sexual conquest" or cheating has some or a lot of pride as a root influence). I wasn't really sure myself, but apparently there is what is called the "hot wife" syndrome or lifestyle that when this sort of desire fully materializes that's what it leads to.

I've told my wife that I want others to see her. Her response was that if one has something nice, it seems good to enjoy it and be content without trying to tell or show others. 

I agree with her and your advice -- and I asked for it so I'm wanting to use good judgment and to be safe. I don't know if it's a fetish or something like it (or just pride?) -- that is a little harder just to switch off.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

nehemiah said:


> Thanks for the replies. I didn't discuss this particular issue with her (I was about to ask as there is an event tomorrow being a Saturday). She probably would say no unless I was really persistent.


This is not the kind of thing you pop on your wife one or two days before you want her to do it. Being persistent on something like this is call 'forcing' her. Not good at all.



nehemiah said:


> As for the origin of the desire, I do believe that there is an element of pride (not just this, but I think a lot of "sexual conquest" or cheating has some or a lot of pride as a root influence). I wasn't really sure myself, but apparently there is what is called the "hot wife" syndrome or lifestyle that when this sort of desire fully materializes that's what it leads to.
> 
> I've told my wife that I want others to see her. Her response was that if one has something nice, it seems good to enjoy it and be content without trying to tell or show others.
> 
> I agree with her and your advice -- and I asked for it so I'm wanting to use good judgment and to be safe. I don't know if it's a fetish or something like it (or just pride?) -- that is a little harder just to switch off.


You can chose to switch it off. You have a good marriage. Do you really want to destroy it?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

It really is an urge that is about you and not your wife.

My wife has a very high end, Playboy, pornographic style body. The kind you would see in "classy" porn magazines not hardcore or raunchy.

I have no feelings even close to what you describe.

It seems to be some kind of unhealthy imbalance.

Do you think you should be enjoyed on some similar level as you desire for your wife?

Hotwife is a serious objectification and imbalance in marriage.

Are you willing to be objectified by your wife?

If there is not an equal sharing of each other in this endeavor, then imbalance is in effect.

If you have children, you especially need to work on your root causes of this urge.

I am experienced enough to know about conquest, something I have never felt. Yet I have dated models, Budweiser girls and very tall bombshells. 

This is something in you. I don't claim to fully understand it but I know it to be an aberration. You are not viewing your wife like a flesh and blood human but more of an object. Hardly an equitable relationship.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I've been to a few sex clubs with my SO. One thing I'll say is that we never felt any pressure from anyone in the club to escalate. So it would likely only be you two that you need to control. 

You could also create a website, or even try camming with like minded people. 

C


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

Men that need to "show off" their good looking wives in this manner tend to be insecure. They need validation from other people, like "See the hot woman I snagged". I figure they probably had trouble getting girls is high school and college.


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## nehemiah (Dec 6, 2014)

Well I was thinking about asking her but decided to post here to get some advice before doing so. For now the idea is shelved and thought the responders deserved an update. Thanks.


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## Stillkindofhopefull (Oct 25, 2014)

Be really careful. I brought up something similar with my wife one time when things had slowed down...things ended up going downhill and that was one of the reasons mentioned.

My life sucks right now...well, it is very hard and we at separated and I hate it.

I would say don't do it and instead learn from the mistakes of others while you still can. I brought it up once, maybe twice...I really didn't recall at first, but she never forgot.


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## CaptainMyCaptain (Sep 19, 2010)

I have read some of the responses and have a different opinion than some of them. First of all, I am not suggesting it is a good idea to take her to a swing club. You will have to be the judge of that based on what you know about yourself and your wife. Secondly, I have a very beautiful wife and I like taking her out dressed sexy, but not ****ty, at least not in my mind. I definitely don't do it because of some of the reasons others posted. It is not about me, but about her. Let me explain. I KNOW how beautiful and sexy she is. She doesn't have to dress sexy to impress me or make me feel like I have a hot woman. However, she doesn't believe she is sexy. She will get more glances and have her ego stroked when she dresses sexy. This really makes her feel good about herself. It used to bother me that she wants others to notice her, but I have come to accept it. Besides, I reap all of the benefits of her feeling sexy. Like I said, I KNOW she is sexy, but things only get better when she feels it too. Do I like showing her off? Yes, is it to boost my ego as some have suggested? Not hardly.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Why not just both of you get all dressed up, ask her to leave some cleavage out and wear a micro mini...parade her around on your arm and watch the men gag on themselves. Is this not good enough for you? Do you have to see men looking at her naked or in lingerie?

What about taking classy sexy photos that don't show her face or most private bits and putting them online? (not here)

The above are two ways you could get a taste of other men desiring your wife, without putting her or her body at risk. And these two ways would still need her full informed consent in order to happen, but if she could handle these, they could be really fun maybe.

But if you really need to take her to a swing club and want to tell yourself it wouldn't progress further than that...you're fooling yourself. At least be real: if you go to a swing club you're going to swing. Maybe not the first night but it is going to happen.

My husband sees men checking me out all the time. He is tolerant of it as long as the men are respectful. He doesn't necessarily like it, but he feels something along the lines of "of course they're going to look at you because you're hot", and in that sense he does take a little pride. But the moment a dude spends a little too much time lingering with his eyes checking me out, my husband notices immediately and will sometimes move my body out of eye sight of the eye f*cker. Sometimes he'll make eye contact with the dude and give him the "stop checking out my woman" mean face. He never does this if men just give me a respectful glance. He says it happens everywhere, so often that there's no way he could have a problem with it. He says it is just a fact when we go out. And I'm not saying I'm exceedingly hot, (just normal hot), but apparently 90% of all women get checked over by 90% of all men, so if I walk through a room with 20 guys in it, more than a couple of them are going to look at me lustfully.

So ... what I'm wondering is....

Don't you ever see men admiring your wife, just randomly? While shopping, while walking down the street, at any time?

Because if you do...why isn't that enough? 

I guess what I'm saying is, my husband knows other men desire me and would love to see me naked or see me having sex or whatever. He wouldn't have to do anything in order to take in this phenomenon...just stand back while I walk through the room without him. If he's not on my arm, men don't typically look around for what man you are with, they just look at you. So he would see me turn heads all the way down the aisle the same way as if he wasn't in the room. 

Why couldn't you do this and just enjoy that much of it? Honest question.

I fear what you are really here for is to try to claim you just discovered the hot wife scene and want to discuss it. We get a lot of posts like that, "newbies" to the idea of hot wifery. Usually they disappear really quickly when someone challenges their story.


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## tbk (Apr 22, 2014)

I have one thing to add that might not have been mentioned (sorry, didn't read the whole thread).

I can relate to this considering I wanted something similar on my birthday recently when we were in another town.

It's not about pride with me at all. Since my wife is not a very libidinous person, and doesn't see herself as a hot girl that other guys might get wood over, I like when she gets this validation sometimes. Is that a bad thing? I don't know. I think part of it is I am ok when I am with her because like many men, I feel like I have control over it (not healthy).

Since my wife is reserved, seeing her look sexual and getting aroused by being somewhat of an exhibitionist turns me on. This is as far as we have gone though. We do not swing or do the hotwife thing.

I am simply talking about her wearing something that she would otherwise only think a "****" wears in public. 

So again -- I like seeing her be a little "****ty" sometimes I guess. Whatever that means to people.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I like my wife looking hot too but I don't get off on thinking about other men getting an erection from looking at her or wanting to fvck her.

Homicide......
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Whatever you do, do NOT try to persuade her or persistently raise the subject. If you feel you must open the question, raise it as "Would you be interested in going to X club just to see what goes on there?" or something similar. If she says no, drop it - it's not worth the potential damage to your relationship. If she says yes, then discuss it and agree to any rules or limits she wants to place on it, and do not push them. Let her propose any changes, and discuss them if before deciding.


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## tbk (Apr 22, 2014)

CaptainMyCaptain said:


> I have read some of the responses and have a different opinion than some of them. First of all, I am not suggesting it is a good idea to take her to a swing club. You will have to be the judge of that based on what you know about yourself and your wife. Secondly, I have a very beautiful wife and I like taking her out dressed sexy, but not ****ty, at least not in my mind. I definitely don't do it because of some of the reasons others posted. *It is not about me, but about her. Let me explain. I KNOW how beautiful and sexy she is. She doesn't have to dress sexy to impress me or make me feel like I have a hot woman. However, she doesn't believe she is sexy. She will get more glances and have her ego stroked when she dresses sexy. This really makes her feel good about herself. It used to bother me that she wants others to notice her, but I have come to accept it. Besides, I reap all of the benefits of her feeling sexy. Like I said, I KNOW she is sexy, but things only get better when she feels it too. Do I like showing her off? Yes, is it to boost my ego as some have suggested? Not hardly.*


Well...sorry. I should have read this post because this is what I meant. Thanks.


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## nehemiah (Dec 6, 2014)

Faithful Wife said:


> Why not just both of you get all dressed up, ask her to leave some cleavage out and wear a micro mini...parade her around on your arm and watch the men gag on themselves. Is this not good enough for you? Do you have to see men looking at her naked or in lingerie?
> 
> What about taking classy sexy photos that don't show her face or most private bits and putting them online? (not here)
> 
> ...


Thanks for taking the time to reply. Let me start by answering the last point that you raised. If you'll see my posts, I haven't been defensive, nor have I tried to troll anybody to get a reaction. I guess there are trolls on any discussion board, but that is also a easy way to invalidate people -- especially new ones. I asked in this forum because I respect the opinions of many here (for example, I agree with many that think that porn is more harmful than not, and that is due to my personal experience and reading the studies -- and appreciate those that try to give honest help to those members having difficulty).

Now, you bring up many good points. I think you and EleGirl are correct in thinking there is too much risk in things progressing if we went to a Swing Club. Due to the general advice here, I have abandoned that idea, and thank you very much for those that gave that advice -- it possibly could have saved my marriage and potentially prevented much harm to our family.

I will consider the options above. I have actually started getting some things together where I may be able to share some photos where my wife is not identifiable. It's natural I think to want to do more and more as time goes on, but I think leaving things at this level, and what you have suggested when we do go out -- I think the line shouldn't be drawn further than that as the risk is not anywhere near worth it. Thank you all very much.


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## chaos (Mar 9, 2012)

If it ain't broke, don't fu%$#@g fix it.


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## texasgladiator57 (Feb 15, 2015)

i would def take her but yall lay down the rules. if your marriage is as solid as you say it is - a new experience is always something you should go after. i mean if you want to. ive been with my beautiful wife for 27 years married for 20 shes a stunning 42 and i am 48. we take a walk on the wild side occasionally and we are the better for it.


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## CincyBluesFan (Feb 27, 2015)

nehemiah said:


> Hello. I'm a new member but have found the forum very helpful previously. I've been married for 15 years to an amazing and stunning wife. She is really really beautiful and that has led to the current issue. Please let me give some background:
> 
> I am an avid photographer, and because she is so curvy (but at ideal weight) and attractive , I've bought her a lot of sexy clothes and love photographing her. We often then have sex, and she seems to be turned on by modeling for me. We've never ever been close to even think about venturing outside of our marriage. My wife is very loving and has never refused me in over 15 years -- not even once (and usually seems very eager to please me). I see her in these very high-end sexy clothes, and I'm finding myself desiring to see her desired by other men (but not to actually do anything with them). There are no places she can wear these clothes to, except I found a "lifestyle club" where it would be welcome, and I'd enjoy seeing her there that way, but am concerned that it is opening a Pandora's Box. We would never consider ever going outside the marriage. I am at least a little familiar with the thinking of many of the regulars here, and know there is good advice to be had, so thank you.


You have a great life and great marriage. Don't pick at it or you could possibly lose it all. For what? A nut?


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## Luvsexywife (Oct 10, 2015)

I know this thread is a bit old, but in case the OP still checks back, here's my take.
I been married over 10 years and me and the wife are very into one another, lots of love, sex, respect and everything else that makes a great marriage.
She also works hard in the gym to look great and loves showing off her great figure. 
We like dance clubs where she can show off her body and dance skills and I know and see guys watching her and guess what, it's a turn on!
No, I'm not mentally deranged as some of previous posters would suggest.
So, a swing club is what you two make of it. Go, have ground rules in place before you do, have fun with it and I guarantee when you get home the sex will go to new heights!


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

For furthering your research and understanding a historical term for your desire is known as "Candaulism."

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Candaulism


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

nehemiah said:


> ....I've been married for 15 years to an amazing and stunning wife. She is really really beautiful and that has led to the current issue. Please let me give some background:
> 
> I am *an avid photographer,* and because she is so curvy (but at ideal weight) and attractive , *I've bought her a lot of sexy clothes and love photographing her. We often then have sex, and she seems to be turned on by modeling for me*. We've never ever been close to even think about venturing outside of our marriage. *My wife is very loving and has never refused me in over 15 years -- not even once (and usually seems very eager to please me). * I see her in these very high-end sexy clothes, and I'm finding myself desiring to see her desired by other men (but not to actually do anything with them). *There are no places she can wear these clothes to, except I found a "lifestyle club"* where it would be welcome, and I'd enjoy seeing her there that way, but am concerned that it is opening a Pandora's Box. We would never consider ever going outside the marriage. I am at least a little familiar with the thinking of many of the regulars here, and know there is good advice to be had, so thank you.





nehemiah said:


> ...As for the origin of the desire, I do believe that there is *an element of pride* (not just this, but I think *a lot of "sexual conquest" *or cheating has some or a lot of pride as a root influence). I wasn't really sure myself, but apparently there is what is called the "hot wife" syndrome or lifestyle that when this sort of desire fully materializes that's what it leads to.
> 
> I've told my wife that I want others to see her. Her response was that *if one has something nice, it seems good to enjoy it and be content without trying to tell or show others.*
> 
> I agree with her and your advice -- and I asked for it so I'm wanting to use good judgment and to be safe. I don't know if it's a fetish or something like it (or just pride?) -- that is a little harder just to switch off.





nehemiah said:


> Well I was thinking about asking her but decided to post here to get some advice before doing so. For now the idea is shelved and thought the responders deserved an update. Thanks.


I think you made the right choice. You sound like you are blessed with a hot loving wife who really cares about you and her marriage.

She gave you some very good advice on keeping and not sharing or show off what a good wife you have.

I wonder if you shouldn't do some introspection on the concept of " exhibitionist." As in you get off on being a bit of an exhibitionist and you like* dressing up and displaying your wife,* for others as in the photographs you take and wanting to take her to a swingers club. 

Trophy wife syndrome is real and alive. Many men like the idea of having eye candy on their arms in front of other men. 

Marriage is about compromise. She dresses up in the outfits you buy her, she lets you photograph her, now it is your turn to respect her wishes not to endanger the marriage by going to a swingers club. Yes, you probably did save your marriage by not going. 

You now have a learning opportunity to find out more about yourself and why you wanted that. You can hopefully figure it out and grow so that you and your wife can have an even better marriage.

Good luck.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

nehemiah said:


> Thanks for the replies. I didn't discuss this particular issue with her (I was about to ask as there is an event tomorrow being a Saturday). * She probably would say no unless I was really persistent.
> *


Please don't do this. This is a trust killer.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I never had to set my exW to do this. She was hot, always dressed to the nines, and men hit on her all the time. She never had self esteem issues, and I never encouraged it. It sucked. 

Believe me, you might get a some temporary jollies off doing this, but once your wife gets a taste for it, it will soon become a burden. Don't do it.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

bandit.45 said:


> I never had to set my exW to do this. She was hot, always dressed to the nines, and men hit on her all the time. She never had self esteem issues, and I never encouraged it. It sucked.
> 
> Believe me, you might get a some temporary jollies off doing this, but once your wife gets a taste for it, it will soon become a burden. Don't do it.


I fully agree. My ex wife was hot, too, and it never bothered me that other men checked her out, or hit on her - until she started making a "thing" of it. She liked it more and more, talked about it often, and eventually it became a clear obsession and ego-boost for her.


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## Apexmale (Jul 31, 2015)

texasgladiator57 said:


> i would def take her but yall lay down the rules. if your marriage is as solid as you say it is - a new experience is always something you should go after. i mean if you want to. ive been with my beautiful wife for 27 years married for 20 shes a stunning 42 and i am 48. we take a walk on the wild side occasionally and we are the better for it.


If the OP still checks, I too agree this can be a good experience but preperations and a deep understanding must be created. Whether it's a swinger's club or not, "no" still means "no" if other couples show an interest. 

Deciding to not do something for fear of what might go wrong is NOT the way to do things right.


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## JukeboxHero (Mar 3, 2015)

My take on this, is...it's like taking your prized jewelry collection to show off at a *Trade Show*, where the entire point of the show is to try an acquire someone else's collection.

Synonoms for Trade Show include; a dark alley, a den of thieves, any location where shady characters gather and try to "trade" their collections, or "borrow" from others.


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