# I am suspicious about my wife



## dadneedshelp (Jan 12, 2017)

I will start with a long story.

Our relation sexually was not good, maybe 10-15 times in 7 years. She refused it all the time.

No verbal arguments but she mouths off to extremes when she gets a chance.

Since last few months she started getting active sexually with me and seems to be well adept at what she is doing which was not at all the case earlier.

Has been talking about a store owner she shops her groceries at quite often, this was a year ago.

Two months ago she mentioned she was asking for him in the store and other clerks said, he went to his wife, just out of blue..she blurted it out just like that (red flag)

She visits this store 3-4 times every week for no reason apparently on pretext of buying groceries.

She usually takes off at the last half hour before this store closes not sure what the purpose is?

Last week getting suspicious about this whole thing, I tagged along with her, even though she was reluctant to me coming along with her. Once i was in the store, the clerk over was smiling the moment he saw my wife and the owner ( my wifes sex partner) was very nonchalant about the whole thing. And somehow she managed to stike a short conversation with this guy right infront of me.

I have two kids who are very small, my heart sank since that day. I dont know what to expect when i start looking for answers and what will happen to my little children if this leads to a broken home.

I will mention a few red flags:

1. She accidentally texted me "whats up" while driving ( she never does that, she never texts me while she drives), later she said was just checking on me

2. She goes to gym all dolled up sometimes, comes back home without even breaking sweat

3. She locked her phone and wont let me access

4. She avoids contacts with all her friends and my relatives ..well since last 10 years

i dont know where to start, what to do, whose opinion to take. 

Please help me, i hate saying this, i need to find a answer and find a path forward for my kids.


God Bless you all i hope someone shows me a way out.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

Your path forward is Divorce. You are in a sexless marriage anyway, so you are already living as co parents and roommates. She is most likely cheating, so she is not denied sex, only you are.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

What @barbados said.


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## Seppuku (Sep 22, 2010)

It depends on what divorce is like in your country. I doubt there will be any resolution, because you are already just room mates.

If you want to try to gather evidence for your own verification, we can help with that. Follow or go with her to the gym. Go to the store with her more often, ask why is she going to the store if she isn't buying anything.

Don't give away anything you know our suspect.


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## rzmpf (Mar 11, 2016)

You had sex 10-15 times in 7 years but you have two very little kids? How old are they? If they are under 7 you are either very lucky or they are not yours.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Not everyone is into sex as much as their spouse.

Your wife might be cheating on you, but she might not.

I think couple's counselling might be an option.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Had she always been private with her phone or just recent? Didn't quite understand is the shop guy married? Does she use a car to go to the store? Does she come home and takes showers quickly ?


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## eric1 (Apr 10, 2015)

The truth is on her mobile phone


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## Sparta (Sep 4, 2014)

OP please stand up for yourself. Unbelievable reason why this is happening because you let it. Why would you go so long without sex, right there is grounds for divorce on that alone. Look you know she is cheating on you need to be a man and stick up for yourself and leave her. Get a DNA test for each kid, They might not be yours. Just like Eric said everything you need to know is on her phone, get to her phone and go through it. there is software out there called Dr. phone you can recover deleted Texts. Your kids are better off in a broken Family then a very dysfunctional one. You need to file for divorce now..!!!


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Check the cell phone records for repeated text or calls to the same number. You will find your answer there. The dressing up and going out at odd hours, etc. Perhaps a PI is warranted.


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## JayOwen (Oct 26, 2016)

Yeswecan said:


> Check the cell phone records for repeated text or calls to the same number. You will find your answer there. The dressing up and going out at odd hours, etc. Perhaps a PI is warranted.


Unfortunately cell phone doesn't always produce a paper trail -- if it's imessage it won't show up in cell phone bill records, same for whatsapp and all the rest.
@dadneedshelp -- your situation shares a lot in common with mine, new friendship that you're not comfortable with, changes to sexual patterns after a long period of lacking, the changes to exercise, and in particular the locked phone.

My situation ended up being what I feared, yours could be as well. I don't know what advice to give given the fact that you have kids -- I struggle with my own situation as well! But if you've got these suspicions (especially if this is the first time you've ever felt like this) I would say trust your gut. Maybe that means trying to collect evidence seriously, maybe that means confronting her, I don't know. But I do think your feelings are valid, and you deserve to be respected.

From one dad to another, good luck to you.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

Read this post...don't look at the user name and just read it. Then give your honest assessment of what he should do. That will help you figure out the right course of action...

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/363777-i-am-suspicious-about-my-wife.html


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Herschel said:


> Read this post...don't look at the user name and just read it. Then give your honest assessment of what he should do. That will help you figure out the right course of action...
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/363777-i-am-suspicious-about-my-wife.html


Links back to this thread.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

Yeswecan said:


> Links back to this thread.


I feel like I am Vinny in My Cousin Vinny and you are Mr. Munster telling the jury how many fingers I am holding up...


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Hire a PI to follow her.


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

Do you have any way to follow her when she goes to the "gym"? Do you have access to her mobile phone to check for messages or unusual messaging apps? If she's using normal SMS to send messages (which cheaters often do), your mobile phone provider might be able to show you how many incoming/outgoing text messages there are per month, and what phone numbers are involved. If she drives a car, consider hiding a VAR (voice-activated recorder) in the car that will record any phone conversations she has.


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## dadneedshelp (Jan 12, 2017)

How do i access her phone, windows mobile, she wont tell me the PIN? any hacker that could help?
she takes quick showers when comes back from gym, any tell tale signs to figure out she just came back from some sexual encounter?
Any recording that i could do that will help? any suggestions? 
GPS trackers will help, but i need audio/video record her escapades, thats the only proof i will ever have.
She will not answer phone when she goes out and tells me i want to disturb her when she is shopping for peace of mind.

thanks for your genuine concern guys and fellow dads.

god bless.


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

Dad,

The question is what do you mean by a WAY OUT??? You have plenty of red flags, but now you have to decide if you want to do one of two things and only YOU can make that decision. We cannot give you a one sentence way out. Your choices are clear
(1) play ostrich and hope that this is nothing
(2) do EVERYTHING humanely possible to find out the truth.

Should you choose number 1, there is no advice that can help you. talking to her and begging for the truth will accomplish nothing but alerting her that you are suspicious. 

Should you choose option number 2, and i hope to hell that is your choice, you can start as other have said by ordering all your cell phone records. but your next step should be a VAR in her car, and a keylogger on your home computer if you have one. You are one step ahead of the game in that you have a pretty good idea who the potential OM is. Many BH here do not have a clue on that one, and you know where she goes to interact with him, at least some of the time. To the things you should do, I would add a GPS on her car.

now, none of can say for sure if she is cheating but the warning signals are there and DENIAL is your worst enemy. So, the way out, one way or the other is to find out the truth and she is not going to tell you if you confront her. Remember also, you are NOT in a court of law and you do not need to catch her in bed with him to be convinced. but you do need to make a plan as to what you are going to do if your worst thoughts are reality. And the absolute WORST thing you can do is beg and immediately forgive her if you catch her.

So your situation is probably not unique. You have choices. Either get out of infidelity if it is occurring or save your marriage no matter what she is doing. You may not be able to save your marriage and get out of infidelity but YOU do have a choice.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

dadneedshelp said:


> How do i access her phone, windows mobile, she wont tell me the PIN? any hacker that could help?
> she takes quick showers when comes back from gym, any tell tale signs to figure out she just came back from some sexual encounter?
> Any recording that i could do that will help? any suggestions?
> GPS trackers will help, but i need audio/video record her escapades, thats the only proof i will ever have.
> ...


She changed sex habits.
She locked her phone.
Dressing differently.
Avoiding close friends who would look unfavorably at an affair....
Unexplained time.
Won't answer phone when she's "out". That's just laughable. Yes, that's 100% affair buddy. Sorry. Peace of mind? That's disgusting. She wants peace of mind that her husband isn't going to interrupt her romps with her affair partner. Plain and simple.
Taking quick showers after she's been "out" as soon as she gets home? Uggghh.

We could go on and on.... Has she started shaving private areas or has new panties or sexy clothing that you've never seen her wear? 

Facts:
You haven't had romantic sexual encounters with your wife for 7 years. 
You are basically certain (correctly so) that she's cheating on you.
You know that she hasn't been happy in the marriage for a long time.


What do I advise? I advise you to see an attorney, file for divorce, and present her with papers. Unless you want an open marriage.
The consequences of filing: you will divorce and you are free to find a LOYAL woman, OR your wife will get scared and want to reconcile and stop cheating.

Are either of these consequences so bad? If not, follow the advice given.

Sorry you are in this. I know how much it hurts.


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

If she tells you she's going to the gym and the GPS tracker shows she's spending the time somewhere else, that's proof enough. 

The idea that she needs "peace of mind" while shopping is ridiculous and very suspicious behavior.

Sony makes a few excellent voice-activated recorders. 

If there is a place she tends to use her phone, you might consider installing a battery-powered hidden camera that will record her typing her PIN. This might even be possible in the car, depending on how cleverly you are able to hide the camera. 

While you are investigating, do not give her any sign that you are suspicious of her. Do not confront her until you have evidence. When you do confront her, do not tell her how you found out.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Tatsuhiko said:


> If she tells you she's going to the gym and the GPS tracker shows she's spending the time somewhere else, that's proof enough.
> 
> The idea that she needs "peace of mind" while shopping is ridiculous and very suspicious behavior.
> 
> ...


Please follow this advice. Very important you don't accuse or let her know until you have concrete, undeniable PROOF. She will likely gaslight you and her friends and family, and make you out to be a controlling, crazy husband if you do not have the proof on her infidelity. CHEATERS HATE GETTING CAUGHT. They will lie like you've never seen.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

BTW, weak men don't seem to be able to handle this simple concept, BUT:

One can yank her phone out of her hand when she's on it, change the passcode and lock it, and keep the damn thing until they are satisfied they have the evidence or information they need.
You are married, and considered one in the eyes of the law. That's your phone, too, my friend.
F her "privacy".


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

Evinrude58 said:


> She changed sex habits.
> She locked her phone.
> Dressing differently.
> Avoiding close friends who would look unfavorably at an affair....
> ...



This lays it out pretty clearly. The bolded is such a crock of **** that that is really all you need. You need to file for divorce at the earliest possible time. That will knock her out of her fog or at least get you closer to the truth. You can waste a lot of time investigating but the result is going to be the same.

She is cheating on you. 

One last thing. if you really need proof, there are semen detection kits you can buy. She can take all the showers she wants to be if she is throwing her panties in the hamper you can catch her.

But you have enough red flags to start a bull fighting school.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

The first thing you need to do is TAKE CONTROL here. You need to stop being so timid and mousy. I like the idea of just grabbing her phone from her hands.

Next, decide if you REALLY need any additional evidence. If seeing a video of her in bed with the other guy is the only thing that will convince you 100% then that's what you need to find a way to do. Frankly, the evidence is already overwhelming. But if you need more, like others have said start with her phone.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

DNH,

Sorry you are at this place in your marriage.

Do not let her know you know or she will become even more protective and secretive. For now act dumb. The thing you do not want to happen is for her to deny deny deny this can go on for years. If you expose without firm evidence they may turn it around on you and label you crazy.

Tamat


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## JayOwen (Oct 26, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> BTW, weak men don't seem to be able to handle this simple concept, BUT:


As someone who's recently felt the sting of this site's self-proclaimed "tough love" -- this sh*t is not productive. And, for the record, "forcibly remove her phone" is probably not the smartest approach.

I mean if you're going to advocate divorce then at least give advice that's not going to potentially come back and bite him in the ass in court...


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## rzmpf (Mar 11, 2016)

I would start with DNAing the kids because the circumstances point at an affair so strongly and because of the lack of sex the possibility of them not being yours is pretty high.

If one or both are not yours then you know she cheated and you have proof.
If they are yours you at least know and can concentrate on finding out if she is currently cheating.

I would also suggest legal advice, know what your options are if one or both are not yours, what the D laws in your state are, will having evidence of her cheating help you in case of D, how can you protect yourself and your assets in case you want to D etc.

But the most important thing is that you make up your mind what you want to do. Is D a valid option for you if she cheats, has cheated or just if the kids are not yours? Or is your M in such a bad shape that it doesn't really count anyway? Or do you want to stay no matter what?


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

She is breathing, she is cheating.

Take the phone, file for D.

DNA the kids and tell her to leave and get an std test.

Go see your attorney and file now.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

JayOwen said:


> As someone who's recently felt the sting of this site's self-proclaimed "tough love" -- this sh*t is not productive. And, for the record, "forcibly remove her phone" is probably not the smartest approach.
> 
> I mean if you're going to advocate divorce then at least give advice that's not going to potentially come back and bite him in the ass in court...


Snatching her phone out of her hand is suddenly going to bite him in court? How so?
Should he have a VAR to record HER craziness when he gets his hands on it and won't give it back? ok, maybe.

What I advised the OP was far more "productive" than slinking around wondering if she's cheating. At least he can get some real information and make a decision about what he needs to do.

If a man is so far gone that he's scared to even get his wife's phone and look at it---- I am 100% advocating for divorce. Being scared stiff and letting one's wife push him all over the place and do whatever she desires because he's scared of what she can do to him---- that attitude is what leads to problems in court. I never said he should get physical with her. That would be stupid. But snatching the phone and immediately going into a locked room--- that is exactly what he needs to do.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

First thing. Go online and check your phone bill.


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## drifter777 (Nov 25, 2013)

Let me suggest this again in case you missed it above.

There are "semen detector" kits available at the drug store - buy enough for several tests. When she gets home from the gym and hits the shower, grab her panties and test them. If it's negative then try the next time - maybe 4 or 5 times negative before you give up on this one. I'm betting you will get a positive test within the first 2.

The CheckMate Infidelity Test is one of the best I'm told & you can buy it pretty much anywhere they sell condoms & such.


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## ulyssesheart (Jan 7, 2017)

turnera said:


> Hire a PI to follow her.


Yes, good idea. I suspect he will find a PU. Two PU skunks.

Do you have a friend who would do this for you, if money is tight?


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## ulyssesheart (Jan 7, 2017)

Evinrude58 said:


> BTW, weak men don't seem to be able to handle this simple concept, BUT:
> 
> One can yank her phone out of her hand when she's on it, change the passcode and lock it, and keep the damn thing until they are satisfied they have the evidence or information they need.
> You are married, and considered one in the eyes of the law. That's your phone, too, my friend.
> F her "privacy".


This is the first time I have heard this tactic. Good one.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

" That's your phone, too, my friend. F her "privacy"."

I mean if she doesn't like it, what's she going to do, cut you off or mouth off some shytty remarks?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

VladDracul said:


> " That's your phone, too, my friend. F her "privacy"."
> 
> I mean if she doesn't like it, what's she going to do, cut you off or mouth off some shytty remarks?


Or even worse, the dreaded "judge, he even snatched my phone and read my sugar texts to my affair partner-- the pig!!! Now, how much alimony can I have???"


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## becareful2 (Jul 8, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> BTW, weak men don't seem to be able to handle this simple concept, BUT:
> 
> One can yank her phone out of her hand when she's on it, change the passcode and lock it, and keep the damn thing until they are satisfied they have the evidence or information they need.
> You are married, and considered one in the eyes of the law. That's your phone, too, my friend.
> F her "privacy".


You would often need the current passcode to change it. The best that he can do is take the phone while she has it open and disable the time out to give him enough time to look through it.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Do the following:

Talk to an atty to find out how divorce and custody work where you live. You need real information, not conjecture or stories from far away. Most atty's in the US will give a free 15-30 minute consultation. You can ask questions and find out how things generally work out.

DNA your kids. This is data you need up front. If they are young enough not to know what you are doing, you can just make something up. A strep throat test, or a family tree test. If they're older then I would wait to do the test. It may be possible to do a paternity test off of hair follicles from a hair brush or something similar. 

Gather all your financial data. Everyone should do this regularly anyway. Put all your account information in a secure place. I'd print it out on paper and put it in a file folder, and I would not store it on your computer for security reasons. Gather all of her info, too. If you're in the USA you can run a credit report on her for free. It will show all open accounts, so you can discover any secret bank accounts or credit cards.

Review all the bank statements for anything odd. Since she shops at these known times, look for charges at these times. Also look for suspicious charges such as hotels, restaurants, or gift items.

Carefully search for any hidden suspicious items. Secret cell phone (not likely since she is guarding her phone now), sexy underwear, condoms, hotel key cards, love notes, etc. Make sure you put everything back exactly as you found it. Search her dresser, her closet, and her car. Check all the little pockets and cubbies in the car including the spare tire and tool areas. Check pockets of coats etc hanging in her closet, as well as inside shoes/boots.

Those are the basic due-diligence searches you can do. To add to that you can see if she backs up her phone to the computer. You may be able to get access to a backup and thus see all her texts/emails etc. You could install a keylogger on the computer. You can put a VAR in her car (hide it well) and a VAR near where she may make phone calls in the house. You can put a GPS tracker in her car. You can hire a PI to follow her on a few of her trips to the store and gym.

While you're doing this initial investigation do your best to be normal. Don't indicate any suspicions because if she thinks you are suspicious she will work hard to hide it even better.

Get an STD full panel check by your doc. Yeah this sucks but you should do it for your own peace of mind.

There certainly are a lot of red flags in your story, so I think the chances are high she is cheating. But keep in mind that anything is possible. It is possible she has a crush on the guy but isn't having sex with him. It is possible she is cheating with someone else (maybe at the gym). It is possible she is trying to get your attention by acting suspicious, in some kind of misguided attempt at fixing your marriage.

Investigate, don't panic yet. And do not confront her with anything you find no matter what. Come here first before talking to her!!! If you find something and are upset, she may notice it. So prepare a few excuses now so you have them ready. Some big project at work is stressing you out. If you have an elderly relative or a friend with health issues, you can claim to be worried about them. If a flu or cold is going around, you can say you are feeling a bit ill and might be getting it. Just something simple to explain your mood.

This investigation should take less than a week. The VAR should get results pretty quickly because cheaters talk on the phone in the car.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

The only advice I can add is this:

Read the advice given by the previous posters.

Then, do it.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Her cell phone log/bill will more than answer all questions!

What that doesn't do can usually be confirmed by a well-hidden VAR placed inconspicuously underneath her car seat!

I'd recommend that you procure legal representation immediately to help you explore your custodial and property rights and options!*


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