# Im to young for marriage



## cnikkoaloysious2 (Sep 19, 2017)

Im just 21 and my girlfriend and I make a mistakes , The father of my girlfriend is so angry what should i do ?


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Do you mean she is pregnant?


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## cnikkoaloysious2 (Sep 19, 2017)

Andy1001 said:


> Do you mean she is pregnant?


Yes , she is pregnant and i dont know what to do


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## MarriedAHooker (Sep 20, 2017)

don't marry her


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Don't do anything until you think long and hard about it. Don't marry a girl unless you love her and more importantly, thinknshe has impeccable character.


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## Primrose (Mar 4, 2015)

Do not get married just because you are having a baby together. You are perfectly capable of being an attentive, devoted father without being a husband at the same time (unless it's what you want).


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## VibrantWings (Sep 8, 2017)

How old is your GF?


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## cnikkoaloysious2 (Sep 19, 2017)

VibrantWings said:


> How old is your GF?


She is 19


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## cnikkoaloysious2 (Sep 19, 2017)

Primrose said:


> Do not get married just because you are having a baby together. You are perfectly capable of being an attentive, devoted father without being a husband at the same time (unless it's what you want).


but his father want to married her dauther?


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## cnikkoaloysious2 (Sep 19, 2017)

Evinrude58 said:


> Don't do anything until you think long and hard about it. Don't marry a girl unless you love her and more importantly, thinknshe has impeccable character.


Thankyou , such a nice opinion 

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## cnikkoaloysious2 (Sep 19, 2017)

MarriedAHooker said:


> don't marry her


But why? 

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## mattayodemeyero (Sep 21, 2017)

Alot of folks make this decision poorly, or scramble to get married just because they are having a child. 
Everyone above is correct. 
21 is very young to get married in this day and age; and in this day and age, it is not considered odd to co-parent. In fact it would put alot less strain on the relationship to wait until YOU are ready, given the circumstances. 

Should your commitment to her be unwavering otherwise, I wouldn't bother with any external pressures- and just carry on as a guy and a gal who are about to have a child together.


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## RebelliousRed (Sep 15, 2017)

Speaking for experience and from witnessing countless other people get pregnant in relationships. It almost never works out. I know that is sad to say but it is true. Getting married because you are having a baby is going to cause resentment down the line. You can be a great father and a wonderful boyfriend without having to be married. Strengthen your relationship and see if its something you want to do down the line. You don't have to rush things just because you have a child.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Even though I can't disagree with all the replies....Yes...it would be a mistake to marry someone you aren't compatible with & if the love is not there, it will be a train wreck just getting started... 

But at the same time... the caravel attitude about sleeping with people we don't love and wouldn't want to marry ...is just sad in our world today.... What happened to the days where the man felt *a responsibility* to this baby he helped create (and to the mother)... was more careful to whom he slept with in case it resulted in a pregnancy... or at the very least the woman was.. so she wouldn't find herself in this awful situation... and it is an awful situation.. far too common.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Even though I can't disagree with all the replies....Yes...it would be a mistake to marry someone you aren't compatible with & if the love is not there, it will be a train wreck just getting started...
> 
> But at the same time... the caravel attitude about sleeping with people we don't love and wouldn't want to marry ...is just sad in our world today.... What happened to the days where the man felt *a responsibility* to this baby he helped create (and to the mother)... was more careful to whom he slept with in case it resulted in a pregnancy... or at the very least the woman was.. so she wouldn't find herself in this awful situation... and it is an awful situation.. far too common.


For the record to any person who is reading this. Not everyone shares this view. The world is full of fun new inventions like birth control. When a person is educated, one can take measures to decrease the chance of zero barring divine intervention. As Mary taught us, if god is going to intervene you are screwed anyway.

Having sex before marriage is a darned good idea. Go over the sex sub forum and read about why that might be.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

NobodySpecial said:


> For the record to any person who is reading this. Not everyone shares this view. The world is full of fun new inventions like birth control. When a person is educated, one can take measures to decrease the chance of zero barring divine intervention. As Mary taught us, if god is going to intervene you are screwed anyway.
> 
> Having sex before marriage is a darned good idea. Go over the sex sub forum and read about why that might be.


 Oh I fully realize I am in the minority.. are you kidding ! but it's still a sad state for the children born out of this.. this situation is far more common than getting married is... even with birth control..


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Oh I fully realize I am in the minority.. are you kidding ! but it's still a sad state for the children born out of this..


That is a fairly narrow view. It doesn't have to be. Thankfully! Or my husband would not have the parents he has today!



> this situation is far more common than getting married is... even with birth control..


Meh. Not with birth control used well.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

NobodySpecial said:


> That is a fairly narrow view. It doesn't have to be. Thankfully! Or my husband would not have the parents he has today!
> 
> 
> 
> Meh. Not with birth control used well.


 My narrow older fashioned view doesn't matter here...it's just a post, easily disregarded... maybe this pregnant 19 yr old doesn't want to get married either.. if so..everyone is happy ... no big deal... the kid gets shuffled from this parent to that parent, that will be his or her experience....

Had this happened to me... I would have been absolutely devastated if the guy didn't want to marry me, raise our family together .... 

I came from a broken home myself.. it wasn't such an easy time.. so yeah.. I wanted better for my own children someday.. that meant something to me... this is where I speak from.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

SimplyAmorous said:


> My narrow older fashioned view doesn't matter here...it's just a post, easily disregarded...


Man you are touchy. Why does it bother you so much when someone uses your PoV to extend a conversation?


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

NobodySpecial said:


> That is a fairly narrow view. It doesn't have to be. Thankfully! Or my husband would not have the parents he has today!
> 
> 
> 
> Meh. Not with birth control used well.


This literally made me laugh out loud. This is simply not true. Birth control is not fail safe. Lots and lots of people get pregnant while properly using birth control. I personally know lots of people this is true for, myself included.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Neither of you is too young to get married. What determines whether or not a couple is ready to get married is partly based maturity, which is correlated with age, particularly for anyone under 20. However, maturity varies greatly even in older people. A significant portion of adults seem to never move past the mental/emotional age of 12. However, I know many people who were married young and are still together decades later, my husband and I included. I was married the day after I turned 20 and have been married for 33 years. Any difficulties we have had (and all marriages have difficulty) were not due to age. In fact, I've noticed that a lot of issues that people have in their lives only magnify as they age due to attitudes and behaviors becoming further ingrained.

Other factors that determine whether or not a marriage will work are mutual respect and love, trust, holding the same core values, and both a willingness and ability to work through difficulties as a team. If you have these things, then marriage may be a good choice. If these items are not present, then getting married would probably create even more problems than you are currently dealing with.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

CynthiaDe said:


> This literally made me laugh out loud. This is simply not true. Birth control is not fail safe. Lots and lots of people get pregnant while properly using birth control. I personally know lots of people this is true for, myself included.


Yah. My version of "properly" extends a little further than what the gyn will tell you.I think most people would agree that relying on condoms is not a great idea. I DO wish that there were more reliable options for men. That would make the doubling up prospect a lot easier. Among other positive benefits.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

I am going to differ from others here. 
Honestly if you are man enough to have sex with her, stand up and be counted and do the right thing. Marry her and don't simply but your tail between your legs and run. You and she both created the problem, now fix it. Do what is best for the baby, the innocent in all of this. Marriage is usually best for the baby, I don't give a **** if you are too young to get married, if that is the case then you are too young to be having sex, period.
If you have to sacrifice so be it, then you might think twice about having unprotected sex, no point in crying over spilt milk now.
If the marriage doesn't work out then deal with it when than happens. Too many young men think they can do whatever they want and then run and dump the problem on the parents of the girl, very chivalrous not! 

in the words of a famous comic, BE A MAN, DO THE RIGHT THING!


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## thefam (Sep 9, 2014)

cnikkoaloysious2 said:


> Im just 21 and my girlfriend and I make a mistakes , The father of my girlfriend is so angry what should i do ?


You should talk to your girlfriend and come up with a plan for that child that will give it the best life possible. 

Going forward stop having sex with women you don't want to commit to because this could happen again. The only 100% safe birth control is abstinence. That being said you probably want to go ahead and use some birth control even if you do get married. 

You can definitely be a good parent without being married but if you decide to go your separate ways it will be more difficult. My 3 older siblings are not my mother's bio kids and they HATED everything about shuffling back and forth between 2 households so much to the point that my oldest sister asked my Dad to get a court order to end visitation with her bio Mom when she was 14. 

Think of the child In all possible solutions.


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## thefam (Sep 9, 2014)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Oh I fully realize I am in the minority.. are you kidding ! but it's still a sad state for the children born out of this.. this situation is far more common than getting married is... even with birth control..


Yep sadly it is a minority outlook but I agree 110 percent.


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## thefam (Sep 9, 2014)

aine said:


> I am going to differ from others here.
> Honestly if you are man enough to have sex with her, stand up and be counted and do the right thing. Marry her and don't simply but your tail between your legs and run. You and she both created the problem, now fix it. Do what is best for the baby, the innocent in all of this. Marriage is usually best for the baby, I don't give a **** if you are too young to get married, if that is the case then you are too young to be having sex, period.
> If you have to sacrifice so be it, then you might think twice about having unprotected sex, no point in crying over spilt milk now.
> If the marriage doesn't work out then deal with it when than happens. Too many young men think they can do whatever they want and then run and dump the problem on the parents of the girl, very chivalrous not!
> ...


What an extreme viewpoint. Not going to say I agree totally but I LOVE it!


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

You haven't shared with us why you wouldn't want to marry her... so I'll ask without judgement, why would you choose not to?

Especially after a 5 year relationship although dating at 14/16 you guys were really just kids when you started :smile2:

Is your non-commitment to marriage now that she is with child what she broke up with you over in your earlier post?

I can imagine she is quite upset over such.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

cnikkoaloysious2 said:


> But why?


One of the problems with marrying a woman because she gets pregnant is that often times the women will go the rest of her life believing that you married her because she was pregnant and not because you love her. So she will always feel unloved. 


What is the society like where you live? How often do women raise children as single mothers? How much of a stigma is it on her if she has a child and is not married? 

In some countries/societies her entire life would be ruined by it. In others, like the USA and part of Europe, it's not a problem. 

Before we can really give you advice we need to know how your local society reacts to an unmarried woman having a baby.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

cnikkoaloysious2 said:


> Im just 21 and my girlfriend and I make a mistakes , The father of my girlfriend is so angry what should i do ?


In your previous thread you said that she broke up with you and you were upset about it. 

Are the two of you back together?


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

By the way... while it may help developmentally in many ways to aid understanding the emotional levels of maturity needed in a successful marriage, age has little to do with being ready for marriage.

I've known couples married at your age and have wonderful marriages 20 years later and I've know couples ten years older than you whose marriage fell apart in just a couple years.

If you work more with mutual selflessness and understand that the seeds of happiness begin with you and that even in struggles there are blessings, you may find your greater success comes much easier along with the love and respect you will build and continue to build.

Even for married people, a new life brings panic... don't let that panic cloud your ability to choose wisely either way you decide (marriage or single committed parent).

Either way, you will find a commitment required...


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> What is the society like where you live? How often do women raise children as single mothers? How much of a stigma is it on her if she has a child and is not married?
> 
> In some countries/societies her entire life would be ruined by it. In others, like the USA and part of Europe, it's not a problem.
> 
> Before we can really give you advice we need to know how your local society reacts to an unmarried woman having a baby.


Expectations of local society do play a big part...


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