# Student loan debt



## Chicitymama (Jan 22, 2018)

So I’ve been married a little over 4 years. We have our share of problems but there is one that is entirely my fault that has come to light and is causing some serious strain. 

I have ~$35,000 federal student loan debt and about $11,000 in private loans. The private lender is my alma mater and they recently sued me and I got a default judgement on the case. I didn’t tell my husband, although I always insinuated that I had loans. I never actually sat down and told him how deep my school debt was. 

Fast forward to a couple days ago. The lawyer I hired to represent me when I got sued insisted I tell my husband. But I inisisted that I didn’t need to since it is my responsibility to pay back the loans and I don’t expect him to pay a dime out of his pocket. Long story short he provided my home address to the attorneys trying to collect on the debt. 

I’m out of town and my husband opened a letter and discovered it and he is so fumed, he hasn’t spoken to me in a couple days. He told me he’s not mad about the actual debt but mad bc I wasn’t brave enough to disclose it to him. And to be honest, I wasn’t. He is debt free, super responsible with money, and we have been broke for the better part of our marriage so it seemed like an unnecessary stressor to add to all of it. 

I don’t know what to do now...or how to make it better. I do think I’m at fault here but I have no idea how to talk to him when he is ignoring me. Any advice is appreciated.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

This is a hard one. As you know, you were wrong to not tell him. I assume these debts are from before you married him.

Did the two of you talk about finances, how much debt and saving each of you had before you married? All couples should do this before marriage to include providing each other with copies of their credit report.

All you can do now is apologize and do better in the future. Ask him what he needs for you to do to rebuild your credibility with him.

Maybe it's time for the two of you to have that discussion you should have had before you married.

And get the book "Smart Couples Finish Rich". It will help the two of you figure out how to climb out of this mess.


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

It's the least of your problems if you dont have a completely transparent relationship. Work on that and put action in place to chip away at the debt, even if you only pay off a little each week it will greatly reduce your stress. Can you consolidate the loans? Just pay a small amount now until you find a good job.


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## ZDog377 (May 31, 2015)

Lying to him about the loans is the worst thing you could have done. My wife lied to me about some of her debt and it still makes me mad to this day. How much do they say your monthly payment is and when do you have to start paying on it by?


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

DD1's "fiance"  has around 30k in student loans (dad busy with his '67 Corvette and ultraconservative activities to fund college). He's made it clear he's keeping it out of any future plans involving marriage, and that he's going to work feverishly to pay it off real soon.

I'm all on board with it, but can't help but wonder how this will impact their plans. Right now she's looking for an awesome studio apartment with garage etc in a hip area for $1000 - I'm paying half - while he's looking for a roommate in a not so choice part of town nearby. That's to save money to pay the loans. All the same, he can't pay it off before they elope  and there's no way he can provide for her compared to Dr John Federal Credit Union so... And there's no way I'm paying for a married couple's apartment while father in law is playing militia every weekend.

So, use common sense.


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## Chicitymama (Jan 22, 2018)

My federal loans are in deferment and I was planning on keeping the from defaulting until my kids are in school and I can work. The single private loan that I took was about 11 grand and I spoke to the lawyer and will be paying $50/month for three months at which point we will reassess and increase payments.


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## Chicitymama (Jan 22, 2018)

Like seriously he is furious and has barely spoken to me for more than a week. He told me that his cousin divorced his wife for hiding debt. Again I know I was wrong but it was never my intention to have him paying my student loan debt so I didn’t think it was necessary to bring it up.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

It's not about the loan details or what your intent on who should pay. The fact is you were not transparent with your husband. This lack of transparency has erroaded his trust in you. You will need to work to restore this trust by being forthcoming with your past and things that affect him and your marriage. Work on being open with what is happening to you with him.


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## FalCod (Dec 6, 2017)

Since he isn't talking, I would write him. I would hand write a not profusely apologizing and recognizing that what you did was wrong and that you regret it. I would offer, for when he is ready to talk again, a full financial disclosure. You'll come clean on everything with full documentation. There isn't much more that you can do. If he won't accept that, he has a problem.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

Chicitymama said:


> Like seriously he is furious and has barely spoken to me for more than a week. He told me that his cousin divorced his wife for hiding debt. Again I know I was wrong but it was never my intention to have him paying my student loan debt so I didn’t think it was necessary to bring it up.


Here's the problem. You are justifying lying (by omission) to him rather than understanding how bad this is to him. Even if it was your debt before marriage any issues like this can affect him if you two were to buy a new house and both needed to have your credit checked. Also, if there is a judgement due to default you are paying more in interest and fees than you would have paid if you hadn't defaulted so you are costing the family more money by your irresponsibility. My XW hid credit card debt from me once and I told her that if it happened again I'd divorce her over it, and I meant that. If you are married you either work together for the mutual benefit of your family or you don't. If he is working towards bettering the family and you are hiding debt, then you are actively sabotaging the family and putting an unnecessary burden on him. See how one sided and unfair this is? I'd suggest you try to understand it from this perspective and see if that can help you communicate and apologize properly to him.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

My Ex-W did something like this. She had to file for Bankruptsy early in our marriage and hid it from me, just went through her dad's lawyers. I was angry but eventually forgave her since luckily it didn't really affect me, though it was probably a forewarning of her future deceit. Anyways, she turned out to be morally bankrupt too, and that I could not forgive.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

john117 said:


> DD1's "fiance"  has around 30k in student loans (dad busy with his '67 Corvette and ultraconservative activities to fund college). He's made it clear he's keeping it out of any future plans involving marriage, and that he's going to work feverishly to pay it off real soon.
> 
> I'm all on board with it, but can't help but wonder how this will impact their plans. Right now she's looking for an awesome studio apartment with garage etc in a hip area for $1000 - I'm paying half - while he's looking for a roommate in a not so choice part of town nearby. That's to save money to pay the loans. All the same, he can't pay it off before they elope  and there's no way he can provide for her compared to Dr John Federal Credit Union so... And there's no way I'm paying for a married couple's apartment while father in law is playing militia every weekend.
> 
> So, use common sense.


Why doesn't her fiance just move into her apartment that you're paying half of? That would make the most financial sense, and it wouldn't cost you anything more than you're already paying.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Lots of moral, financial, and education related reasons. In summary, his family is not the living together kind (ultraconservative Evangelical) and while I'm not too concerned, I saw how her mom and I moved together and promptly liked work and money rather than the PhD's we wanted. We ultimately went back at 35 and finished but it was hell.

In 3 years once she clears her qualifier exams they can marry. That's the plan at least. Also by then he'll be done with his loans  and will have his license.

It's also deeper. For year 4 she's going to be overseas for her research, somewhere in Italy probably then a year to wrap it up. Then... The fabulous career choice of lecturer, instructor, associate or assistant faculty, then tenure hopefully. Not for the faint at heart.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

john117 said:


> Lots of moral, financial, and education related reasons. In summary, his family is not the living together kind (ultraconservative Evangelical) and while I'm not too concerned, I saw how her mom and I moved together and promptly liked work and money rather than the PhD's we wanted. We ultimately went back at 35 and finished but it was hell.
> 
> In 3 years once she clears her qualifier exams they can marry. That's the plan at least. Also by then he'll be done with his loans  and will have his license.
> 
> It's also deeper. For year 4 she's going to be overseas for her research, somewhere in Italy probably then a year to wrap it up. Then... The fabulous career choice of lecturer, instructor, associate or assistant faculty, then tenure hopefully. Not for the faint at heart.


My cousins daughter is in medical school in Ireland and I met her a few weeks ago when I was over on a visit.She was bemoaning the fact that university fees are now three thousand euro a year.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Epic lolz. DD2 is burning around $50k a year in-state medical school plus room and board. DD1 has full funding for her PhD studies so I'm "only" paying maybe $700-800 a month for her rent. When it's all said and done probably $500k combined for both. 

Ouch. Let's hear it for the proletariat.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

john117 said:


> Epic lolz. DD2 is burning around $50k a year in-state medical school plus room and board. DD1 has full funding for her PhD studies so I'm "only" paying maybe $700-800 a month for her rent. When it's all said and done probably $500k combined for both.
> 
> Ouch. Let's hear it for the proletariat.


Any member of an EU country can attend university in any member state and three thousand is the maximum they have to pay.Many people qualify for grants which lower the fees even more and in some cases it is completely free.
When my niece was in veterinary college in Edinburgh she qualified for grants which lowered her fees to virtually nothing.
And she stayed in my apt and never paid me any rent!!!


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

My daughters are EU citizens but the UK requires a 3 year residency to claim home rate... Oh well.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

<<back to the original issue at hand 0>>

OP, you need to understand that when one is married, one's financial fortunes are tied up with the spouse's financial fortunes. Whatever debt you are trying to pay on will affect how much money you can bring into the household. So all your protesting about how you planned to pay it back yourself ......... well, how much did you promise to your spouse that you would contribute to things housing, food, utlities, etc, etc,.......

If you're working and always crying the bluse that you're broke, well, ha may have assumed that you have toy boy.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Just in time:

https://www.marketwatch.com/story/i...arriage-2018-04-21?mod=MW_default_top_stories


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