# No Sex?



## 77Jeep (May 31, 2011)

I have been happily married for 28 years. We have 2 sons and a nice home. 

My wife was never very sexually active even from the start. Sex was more of an event than spontaneous.

About 7 years ago she said "It hurt her to have sex". She has tried lotions and other various things. We have not had sex of ANY kind in over 5 years.

I love her to death and want to stay married. I am really at a loss. I have talked about a marriage counselor, but she is not interested? 

Can any one help me? Frustrated.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

77Jeep said:


> We have not had sex of ANY kind in over 5 years.


There you go. It has nothing to do with the fact that it hurts, even though it very well may. Many couples get over problems in their sex lives by trying different things. If I was told I could never have vaginal sex again in my life but could do everything else? No prob's.

My wife made up a different excuse for not wanting sex. She just made the mistake in claiming it was something I had control over. After I got it "fixed", no pun intended, guess what? Still no interest.

Your wife is just not into you. Not in that way anyhow. Join the club.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Does it also hurt her to perform oral or give you a hand job? Pain might be a plausible excuse for not having vaginal intercourse for 5 years but I can't think of a defensible medical reason short of coma or total paralysis for refusing one's partner sex in all forms.


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## 77Jeep (May 31, 2011)

She has never given me oral in our whole marriage. As to a hand job? I can count the # of times on one hand. 

We are now sleeping in different bedrooms. I told her I could not sleep due to her snoring. I love her but am at a loss? Beale.


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## sixteen miles (Jan 5, 2011)

Wow! 77 Jeep hang in there! I feel your pain as I am in the exact same situation with no sex or even touching or love for well over 6 years; but the W expects the same financial support and complains that I do not support them with enough money! I have accepted the fact that if I love her, as you do your wife I will stay and do my best to work through it. I think there is a medical or mental issue such as BPD or another PD with my W, but that is my case.

I would suggest as I did (she refused) for her to consult a medical doctor to find out a medical reason that sex hurts. How about other interaction; if she loving, does she support you? Does she act like a wife in other ways, just not sexual? There is more to love than sex, although I agree it is not a marriage without some type of sexual contact. It maybe that there is a lot more going on with her medically or mentally, or she must just plain not be into you anymore...it hurts and is a cruel tough thing. Please give us a little more details of what your life is like with her outside of just no sex. Good Luck.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

77Jeep said:


> She has never given me oral in our whole marriage.




First of all, I am sorry to hear you find yourself in this situation. I am constantly amazed at wives/husbands who will not go down on their spouses. TAM has opened my eyes to this a lot. 

Have you told her you want her to participate in a sex life with you? That you need it? Marriage counselling?


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

sixteen miles said:


> I would suggest as I did (she refused) for her to consult a medical doctor to find out a medical reason that sex hurts.


Didn't you read my post? It has nothing to do with the pain. Get off of that line of reasoning. She's not into him. That's what needs to be fixed.


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## 77Jeep (May 31, 2011)

@ Sixteenmiles. Yes she supports me and helps me a bunch. I am semi disabled as of 18 months ago. I have talked to her about going to a Dr. with her pain issue? She has tried a bunch of stuff? This was all before the no sex at all started. 

She hugs me, and we still kiss often and hold hands. 

@MrK I am not sure about your line of reasoning. We still do things and go places together. Have nice long talks and enjoy each others company. So IMHO I disagree, Jeep.


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## sixteen miles (Jan 5, 2011)

Well 77 Jeep that is a least a little something with the support and some affection. If there are no medical or mental issues (which I really think you need to dig into and be sure of, because it sounds like something going on) then you may have to face the fact that MR.K maybe right on track and she does not dig you right now for what ever reason. If she supports you, shows some affection but will not have sex then maybe you need to really confront her with an ultimatum. You say you have a disability; my assumption is that you have no trouble performing sexual activities? Maybe she is having an affair? 

Tough situation; dig in try to find when and how things changed; there is maybe more going on than what you think.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

She has no excuse. There are means available to her that she could use (mouth, hand, etc). She hasn't, so the pain excuse is irrelevant. The truth is she doesn't have sex because she doesn't wish to have sex and because she doesn't give a rat's backside what you want or need. You told her you moved out of the bedroom because she snored. Is that the truth or did you move out of the bedroom because you feel resentful over her withholding sex? Sounds like she's perfectly willing to deny you sex right up untill they throw dirt in your eyes.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Hi Jeep ~

How old is your wife? Has she gone through, or is she currently going through menopause? That can certainly cause pain and discomfort, but that's still no excuse for things to go on the way they have for as long as they have. Insist she sees a doctor - make an appointment and go with her. Insist she sees a counsellor - make an appointment and go with or without her.


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

I would sit her down and tell her in as loving a way as possible that you are very hurt that she has not appeared to care about your sexual needs in the marriage. I would let her know just how difficult this is for you and ask her what she would be willing to do to help meet some of your needs. Tell her you love her but that you can't imagine being married without any type of sex life for the remainder of your marriage. This is just being honest. Then listen closely to what she says.

Sometimes we don't want to hurt our spouses and don't say what really needs to be said. But you are thinking about leaving the marriage because you are so unhappy. She needs to know this so she can decide if she wants to do what she can to improve the situation.

Good luck!


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

We mostly stopped having intercourse a few months ago because it hurt her. And I could tell with certainty it DID hurt for a few reasons. And one of those reasons was that she has been very cool about having non-intercourse sex with me. In fact I give her an A++ for being a great sexual partner. She has shown love, passion AND commitment and I am sure she will continue to do so. And I have shown compassion, patience and commitment as well. 

She asked me one night about getting me a concubine. I asked her - "so is this someone you plan to pick out for me"? And she said "yes". So I nodded and shrugged and she proceeded to ask me for "specs". So she started with:
- How tall do you want her (I replied with my W's height)
- Weight (I gave my W's weight and added plus or minue 5 pounds, since her weight fluctuates about that much. 
- Hair color (I touched her hair and asked "what color would you call this"? She responded with "stop - ok - tell me what you really want" I came back with "oh yeah and aside from all this physical stuff she needs to be a bit argumentative, and maybe even difficult but in a funny way (because my W is just like that)
- She proceeded with "Now that I know WHAT you want, I need to know WHEN you want me to get her for you". And I just came back with "She's already here".









77Jeep said:


> I have been happily married for 28 years. We have 2 sons and a nice home.
> 
> My wife was never very sexually active even from the start. Sex was more of an event than spontaneous.
> 
> ...


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

Notwithstanding an unresolved medical condition, it is unrealistic for her to force you into a sexless marriage. Assuming your children are out of the house, or nearly so, this is the time when you should be rediscovering each other emotionally and sexually.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

MEM11363 said:


> We mostly stopped having intercourse a few months ago because it hurt her. And I could tell with certainty it DID hurt for a few reasons. And one of those reasons was that she has been very cool about having non-intercourse sex with me. In fact I give her an A++ for being a great sexual partner. She has shown love, passion AND commitment and I am sure she will continue to do so. And I have shown compassion, patience and commitment as well.
> 
> She asked me one night about getting me a concubine. I asked her - "so is this someone you plan to pick out for me"? And she said "yes". So I nodded and shrugged and she proceeded to ask me for "specs". So she started with:
> - How tall do you want her (I replied with my W's height)
> ...


Awww, perfect answer.


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## 77Jeep (May 31, 2011)

I am 53 my wife is 52. Menopause has come and gone. I have tried to talk to her so many times about this issue I am blue in the face. She just refuses to talk about it?

As to an affair? No I do not believe that. Part of my wife's problem is her low self esteem. Both of us weigh more than we should. It really bothers her how she looks and feels about herself. It does not bother me in the least. I have told her this. 

By disability does not prevent me from having sex. I am doing water aerobics 5 days a week to get past my issue. I am so much better now it is not funny. She is not doing a thing to try to help herself.

I go see a Psychologist and a Psychiatrist to help me with my mental health. She sees neither. 

I dunno, Frustrated.


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## Red347 (Jun 12, 2011)

I am going through a similiar problem with my wife. My feelings are that there are many things I agree to do for her that I do not like. I watch stupid dramas on tv, I walk around Walmart with her looking at drapery and such. I pay outrages utility bills, while spending more time at the office than at home, amongst other things. There are certain duties a wife *must* perform in a marriage, and sex is one of them. It mortifies me to think that a women believes there can be a relationship without sex, barring disability and sickness. I feel if she doesn't want to have sex anymore, well then, there are a whole lot of things I do not want to do anymore. For a man, it is a need, not a game. If she really loved you, she would deal with the 3 minutes (lol) of discomfort and please you.


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## Random User (Apr 29, 2011)

Red347 said:


> There are certain duties a wife *must* perform in a marriage, and sex is one of them.


Wow. Just... wow.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

MEM11363,

Your wife has difficulty with traditional intercourse but she apparently hasn't abandoned intimate relations with you. She does what she can and I think that's what a good spouse would do. I could happily live with that. As long as my wife was making a reasonable effort I would work through any difficulties with her. I just don't understand spouses who simply do nothing and seem completely fine with living as buddies with their husband or wife.


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