# Whats my chances of a reconcilliation



## a14ndzz (May 14, 2011)

My wife has files for divorce and i have been served papers.We have been seperated for 3 months.I do not want this divorce because i still love her deaply and we have 6 children together one of them being a special needs child.She has given me reasons for the divorce as being me not spending enough time with her and the children,although we vacation every summer and i attend all of our childrens school and athletic functions with them.And we have had financial problems as well.Also she feels unappreciated and says i never tell her how nice she looks or how pretty she is.She also says i dont get my work done around the house as timely as i should,and that i dont attend church with her and the kids as much as she would like.
She talked about therapy about 6 months ago and i agreed to go but she backed out.But since we have been sep. we have been seeing 1 seperatly and she has told her that she is not working on our marriage now but is intersted in dealing with her stress and other concerns.I believe the stress of caring for the children as well as the financial aspect has led her to make this decision.There has been no infidelity on either part and we have had a good relationship up until now.we have been married for 16 yrs. and she was my first.I have told her my feelings but right now she is determine to through with the divorce but says that she may regret this decision someday but it is the best option for her right now.She also has agreed to continue therapy with me as a couple after she gets her issues resolved and has not ruled out the possibility of dating again in the future.Some advice or words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated because i can not understand this as well as none of our family or friends saw it coming either.


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

The best advice I could give is to work on yourself with the hopes that something may reignite the feelings she once had for you. Don't do it with the intent of getting her back, but with the intent of making yourself a better man. 

What I've learned throughout my whole ordeal is that you can't MAKE someone do something. Take this time to do some introspection on what you may have done to bring your relationship to where it is. I'm not saying that your wife is innocent, only that you can't change her or force her to accept her responsibility.


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## a14ndzz (May 14, 2011)

Thanks for the reply.I am going to continue working on myself and trying to move on.I have been having little to no contact with her since the sep.She told me she is done and wants out but she still shows a lot of emotion when we do talk,but also always lays the blame on me and has not admitted any fault of her own.So maybe after she is away from me for a while she will possibly regret her decision and will realize she acted in haste and that us being together is best for us as well as the children


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## vict0ria_b (Mar 10, 2011)

A: 

To me it really does sound like you still have a chance. The fact that she has agreed to go to therapy with you is a really good sign. When my husband and I where going through our separation (we are now back together) my husband would not go to MC with me but did agree to got and talk to my IC a couple of times about our situation. Even though she is not saying it directly that she is willing to make the marriage work pay attention to ALL the signs. 

Actions will always speak louder than words. BUT the hard part about this is that you still have to listen to what she is saying, and it will drive you crazy because I bet right now most of her actions are contradicting her words. 

Right now you are just along for her ride, do you best to keep her from backing out of the MC and focus on your kids. Don't forget to take some time for yourself. and if you haven't done so start doing the 180.


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## Lolabells (May 10, 2011)

The 180 def sounds like a good idea for people who are still living close/in the same house still. You guys have 6 kids! i dont understand how a woman can just walk away with such a sorry excuse? maybe Im just a bit more understanding but she cant expect you to do everything around the house AND work to support you all. I say focus on you, realize what you truly did wrong and turn it around!


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## a14ndzz (May 14, 2011)

Thanks for the ecouraging words!I am in the process of renting a house just down the road from where our house is now so i can be there for the kids as much as i can.I have living with my dad for 2 mos.As dedicated to our children as she is i can not understand why she would wnt to put them through this>She says that she and the kids are doing(just fine) with me gone now,I just cant believe that is true because the other day my 4yr old daughter asked me when i move am i going to get a new mommy to live with me and i said no honey daddy dont want no more mommies,so that tells me that all is not just fine.She also just keeps flip flopping on what the real issues are with our marriage.One week she says its not because of such and such and then the next time we talk and she gets upset and says that that is the issue so i dont think she knows why she is doing this other than she is just so stressed and feels like this is her only option.I also think she has a couple friends that me be coaching her along on this as well.Up until this point she has been a wonderful wife and the best mother i could have hoped to have had for my kids.My parents divorced when i was 4 and she has never been through this and thinks our children will not be affected but i told her from experience that she is dead wrong.By the way what is the 180 plan?


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## a14ndzz (May 14, 2011)

Just wanted to add a little more info on my situation.I also do my fair share of taking care of the children with watching them so she can have time out alone with her girlfriends etc.And help with homework,bathes,supper and changing dirty diapers etc.Also our son that is disabled has CP and also suffered a stroke about 2 yrs ago which severely damaged his brain even more.He was alone in his crib the night of the stroke and my now 10yr old daughter discovered him that morning.I think my wife is holding alot of guilt over this as well because now she seems like someone has to be holding him at all times and she has had him sleeping with us since it happened because she cant let him out of her sight.She tried to pressure me into having another child so we could use the cord blood for stem cell treatment in hopes that it would be a magical cure for will or (gods Will) as we call him.But i could not find anything to convince me that it would help him so with our financial situation and the stress of caring for 6 other kids i would not agree so i know she resents me for that and has told me that I had a chance to make him better but i was to selfish.I know that caring for will really puts alot of stress on her but ido what i can with the time i have.She is a beautician and works 1-2 days a week at her job and is upset that she has to be the main caregiver for him by taking him to physical therapay and the doctors.She wanted a large family and i give it to her and even thogh i would not take anything in the world for our kids i was done after 3 or 4 because i knew the stress would become a factor for her but she reassured me that she could handle it and that everything would be alright so i agrred to more.Maybe its just me but i dont see where i have done anything to deserve this.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Have you ever considered quitly looking into her activities, social site, emails, cell phone records? It almost seem like some one else is influencing her disicions. My be a toxic friend that was just divorced and is looking for company. An old flame that has reconnected with her. What ever the influence my be don't bother asking.. she will minimumize it and focus the blame on you.

So do some of you own research and see if there are some influences that are conviencing her to leave the secerity and stablity of a husband with 6 kids.

This research/investigation could give you a better understanding on whats really going on in her head. Especially when she hasn't given you one big underlying reason for leaving. 

You guys have alot on your plate there has to be something pretty big that is causing this.


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

a14ndzz said:


> She told me she is done and wants out but she still shows a lot of emotion when we do talk,but also always lays the blame on me and has not admitted any fault of her own.


Ugh, this is the story of my separation. It's amazing. In four years of marriage my husband was never wrong. He must be the most right person on the planet. (I am now venting, sorry!)


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## a14ndzz (May 14, 2011)

I honestly don"t believe it is another man.I think that it may be afriend of hers that is married but is really miserable in her relationship but says her family doesn't believe in divorce so she is staying married to her husband.My wife has been spending alot of time with her in the last couple years and about the time they started hanging around again is when my wife started to change.She also works with another girl that is just recently divorced.Our son also got sick about the time this started to happen as well.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

If she has filed for divorce, is still blaming you for everything and has shown no inkling of wanting back, consider it done.

The faster you learn to accept this, the better for you.


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