# Son almost relapsed today & I am losing my faith



## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

My oldest son (age 27) called me today. I live about 3 hours away from home during the week as I got promoted. My WS are in the process of buying a second home and trying to work things out. My son has special needs but is fairly high functioning. When I got called up to go to Iraq in 2008 my son prayed to God to keep me from going and he said if I go he would not believe in God anymore. I could have retired and not gone but I had orders from two Commanding Generals to order soldiers to deploy to Iraq. These orders were very clear. So from 2002 till around 2008 I would be given a list of unit vacancies and then compare it with my list of available soldiers and then my job was to call the soldiers at home or work and inform them that I by authority of our Commanding General (CG) am ordering them to report on a certain date to deploy to Iraq. Typically requests to fill vacancies go through a command process and this can take months, so the Commanding Generals (I served under two different ones during this time), wanted things expedited and gave me the task. I had Brigade, Battalion and Company commanders get pissed off at me because I did not inform them as I plucked their soldiers for deployment. I got my share of ass chewing from these commanders but I always informed them that they can complain to the CG if they felt I was out of line. None of them did. So I sent soldiers to Iraq and some of them got busted up and one received four purple hearts. How could I retire and walk away from going to Iraq after I sent soldiers there and some of them were almost killed? I could not do it. My wife understood and supported me. But my son lost his faith in God.

No sooner did I leave for the deployment that my son started to drink and use drugs. My wife could not control him. When I came home I could not get him to stop but he at least did not cause problems. He was never out of control when he came home. 

My wife then had an EA starting in April 2010. I busted it up at the end of May 2010. I got help she did not. My counselor told me that she would do it again and if the guy was local it would go physical. My wife and I had talks about it. She said it would never happen. It did. EA started in early July 2011, went physical in September and ended at the beginning of December.

My son came home on September 6th 2011 out of control, drunk and all over a girl. He went upstairs got one of my pistols and threatened to blow his brains out. He knew the pistol was unloaded and I still have the image of him squeezing the trigger over and over again with the barrel up against his head. I got the pistol from him and we had him committed on Sept. 7th.

My wife had sex with the OM on September 9th. In the aftermath of the discovery she told me that her and the OM had planned to have sex on this date back in August and that nothing was going to stop her from having fun and excitement, not even having her son committed and seeing him with the gun up against his head.

My son got treated and was doing exceptionally well. Until today. We have been talking about his mother's affair and he has been under a lot of stress because of this.

Yesterday afternoon my wife texted me and says she is bored and lonely at home. I triggered. I went into panic mode thinking is this code for I contacted someone, etc. When I called her later that day I was not in the best of moods and she knew it. I ended up hanging up on her and we did not talk till this morning. I have talked to my wife several times today and she just seemed down and out of sorts.

My son called me about an hour ago and told me he went out drinking. That he went off on his mother this morning, using the F-word, saying why did you do this to dad and us boys. That she has cause him pain and that he cannot take it anymore. He went to a bar and had one beer. To his credit he stopped and then called me. He is a good kid and we talked a long time and he got his bearings back for the time being.

Me. I have had a career in the Army which has spanned over 36 years on Active Duty and the Reserves. I have served as an officer and now am a Master Sergeant. I have also served in ministry serving as an associate pastor but mostly as a chaplain in addition to working in Federal Service. The churches I served in were toxic. I can't tell you how many times I was burned by senior pastors lying, cheating, etc and these were both Main-line and conversative denominations. Hence, I started working as a trauma chaplain, nursing home chaplain where at least I could go home at night and not worry about church politics. I was really hurt by various pastors over the years. Now my Christian wife cheats on me. Last year and this year they were all men that were committed to their churches and families (at least they said so on their FB pages). In March of this year the OM posted of his abiding faith, denial of the devil, how great his church is, etc and a few months later he is F***ing my wife. 

My faith is almost gone. I told my wife the other day that you Christians who are faithful and true believers are just all liars, cheats and homewreckers. I told her that I now understand why during the church service they talk about passing peace of Christ. What they really mean is passing a piece of ass to each other, that it is ok to F*** each other, because hey we believe let's love each other. I told her that the day she first had sex with the OM I knew she went to the liquior store and bought alcohol. I said did you the two of you drink? She said, he does not drink because he says it is wrong. I said yea right, drinking is a big sin for him but f***ing another man's wife is just so cool.

I am just tripping today and needed to vent.


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## gonefishin (Oct 7, 2011)

I am sorry to hear this. This is very tragic. You sound like a great Americanand a great dad. As far as your wife goes you deserve better.
I hope someday your son understands the sacrifice you made for all of us. I hope someday your son realizes he will not solve anything in life by drinking and then blaming you for it. I am not the most religious guy but i do believe in God and I know I am responsible for fixing my own problems. I think that is the message for your son.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

My ex never missed an church event. Found out later the "chosen one" was the minister and was nailing her when she stayed around to "straighten up".


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## spudster (Jan 11, 2012)

Thank you for your service Thornburn.

I was in the Marines and served in Desert Shield and Desert Storm. Man I don't miss that sh*t at all, and I did not reenlist when my time came. I'm still hocking that dust out of my nose. I was proud to have served but a military career was not for me. My first wife had a hard time when I was gone but she really was patriotic and supported me the whole time. 

Unfortunately it looks like your wife has grown distant from you and she is giving you signals she is going to go AWOL again. Maybe it's time to give up taking the hill and go for Divorce.

We cannot keep people from changing... especially the ones we love and trust the most.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

I grew up with "Sunday Christians". People who are oh so pious in church on Sunday and on Monday it is back to the everyday lying cheating and stealing until next Sunday when they ask God to forgive them only to start the cycle over again.

I did not find God in a church. I found and continue to find him in remote natural areas where there are no people and I can be alone with my thoughts and prayers. For me, this is where God shows you the path, not in some stone building with a back-lit alter crowded with hypocrites trying to tell you what a good christian should be.

All are tested.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Sorry that this is your cross to bear. There's so many out there that are Christians in name only. They think that whatever they do will be forgiven, that Christianity is a free get out of hell card when it really isnt. The whole message has been all along to repent and sin no more.


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

My WW is a Christian. Observant, church goer, the whole thing. Same for her mother. I'm an atheist. It's perplexing that it was me who ended holding up to Christian morals in our house.

Some people are just doing Christianity wrong. They are just pagans at heart who happen to be baptized.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Some people are good, some bad. Some have good morals, others none. Some people are strong, others weak. These mixtures of people are in all walks of life, everywhere. 

Don't lose your faith. These people are not indications of there being no god. They are just examples of weak sorry individuals. Think of all the good Christian people you have met, the good chaplains, ministers and so on. I imagine they would be numerous. See these people for what they are. Maybe it is time to move on from your wife if you feel she will do it again, if she is not getting help to sort herself out. Do it for you & do it for your son. It seems she has hurt him a great deal. It is amazing how people can cheat and have affairs when their own children are also involved. Totally unbelievable. It has such a massive effect on them. Big shame how people can be so heartless and selfish. 

Do not look at these people and lose faith. Your faith is there to comfort you, and not to be proved to you at every turn.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Better to leave her then your God. I am afraid you are taking your eyes off of Jesus. Do not let a root of bitterness spring up in your life. Your boy needs you on your knees. Remember what it says in Romans 8:28.


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## JustaJerk (Dec 2, 2011)

> My wife had sex with the OM on September 9th. In the aftermath of the discovery she told me that her and the OM had planned to have sex on this date back in August and that *nothing was going to stop her from having fun and excitement, not even having her son committed and seeing him with the gun up against his head*.


What kind of a mother says and does such a thing?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

JustaJerk said:


> What kind of a mother says and does such a thing?


Good question Thorburn. How is your wife doing in reconciliation? How are you doing? Is it working?

How does she explain her actions now?


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

chapparal said:


> Good question Thorburn. How is your wife doing in reconciliation? How are you doing? Is it working?
> 
> How does she explain her actions now?


She is remorseful, etc. All positive. She lets me talk whenever I need to talk and answers all my questions even if I have asked them several times. She does not get argumentative nor defensive. We are looking for a second house so we can be together instead of when I come home on weekends. So we are moving forward, she seems 100% committed, I am not 100% committed as I know the odds are against me. 

She has her moods like yesterday when my oldest son went off on her about the affair. She texted me the night before telling me she was bored and lonely (during the week I live in another city) and I triggered, called her and hung up on her. I know she is dealing with crap as well as I am. I do try to listen to her but I keep thinking, she caused all of this.

There are several nagging questions that I keep bringing up that I have not gotten satisfactory answers from her.

1. Times they were together. 
a. I know for a fact that they were together 7 times. She can only remember 5. I keep giving her information about those other two times and she says she does not remember them. One time we came home from Disney on a Saturday and the following Saturday the OM left with his family to Disney. They met and had sex on Tuesday, after we came back and before he left. I told her WTH. You do not remember this. We came home from Disney and he was leaving for Disney and you do not remember talking about Disney with him. She said that she only remembers texting him about what she would recommend to visit and she said she does not remember talking to him about it. I just don't get it. I am sure this would had been a major conversation as they were together for about 5 hours that day. 

b. She told me that she was out till about 9:30 one night with him as he has to get up early for work and that was a late night. I told her I know that on two occasions she was with him past 9:30. One night she dropped him off near his house at 10:43 P.M. and another night at 10:30 P.M. I gave her my proof and she says she can't remember and she says it does not make sense. So I keep asking her about it. My suspicion is this. That something happened that she thinks is too much for me to handle and just goes blank. I have discussed this with her and she denies that there is anything more. She says she wants to remember as she knows it is important to me but she says she can't remember and does not want to make up a story just to satisfy me as she wants to tell me the truth. I had a thought the other day about this. She can no longer get on her facbook as I have control over it. The OM and OMW blocked my FB page. I sent the OM and the OMW each a message from my WS FB (never from mine). They both blocked me but not my WS. I can look around their FB pages with no problem from my WS account. I can't access theirs from my FB. When I go to search on my WS's FB page I just have to type in the first letter of either of their names and they pop right up on top. I am really wondering if his wife was not involved. Maybe over paranoid but why would they not block my WS from their FB? If I was the OMW I would have blocked my WS right away and had my husband block her as well. I just do not get it.

2. Her reasons why she did it keep changing. My IC told me that until she figures out why she did it it will be very difficult to move forward.
a. told me it was due to her mother's death in June.
b. Then told me it was just plain lust.
c. Then told me it was because our son threatened suicide with one of my pistols. She said it drove her over the edge. Bull, they already had a date set weeks prior to my son getting out of control. I told her this and she said yea, you are right.
d. Then told me she wanted fun and excitement.
e. Then told me it was due to my nephew and her sister telling everyone in March 2011 about her online affair in 2010. I shared this info with my nephew after he told my niece was cheating on him. I officiated over their wedding.
f. Then told me that it was because I had E.D. Ok, I come home from Iraq. She picks me up at Ft. Dix and we go to a hotel. I can't get it up but I am excited mentally. I end up in horrible pain down there and end up in the E.R. I get examined, everything checks out OK, the Dr. orders Viagra and then I was unstoppable. My wife had to finally tell me to stop as she was getting sore. I told her, WTH. I come home from war, we go to a hotel and it doesnot work but I have everything working within 4 hours and you are telling me that it made you feel like I had no desire for you? 
g. Then she tells me that she became numb and had a do not care attitude due to the deaths of her parents. She said that because of this attitude she would have done anything. She said if I had brought herion home she would have shot up. If I brought another woman home she would have joined in.
h. Then she tells me she does not know why she did it and that is why she is in counseling.
i. I could go on. It is like the flavor of the week.

I do not trust her and only believe what she does and not what she says. When she told me "everything", I only believed those parts that I could verify and I verified most of what she told me. There are parts to her story that I can't verify but they are minor things.

So I am moving forward, trying R. 

I have national boards to prepare for and due to this crap I missed a deadline in December and can't take them in April and will have to wait till October, as they only have them twice a year. My wife was counting on me getting another promotion but I have to take the boards first and once I passed the boards I get an automatic promotion. Part of me does not freaken care about taking the boards. 
I basically turned down a promotion to Sergeant Major because my heart is not in the Army anymore.

I feel like a robot trying to keep my head together.

On top of this my boss is telling me how great I am doing, that I am going to replace him and that I need to pass the boards and prepare to take over. He knows the situation and keeps praising me for how well I function at work. 

It is just hard as you all know.


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## spudster (Jan 11, 2012)

> I do not trust her and only believe what she does and not what she says. When she told me "everything", I only believed those parts that I could verify and I verified most of what she told me. There are parts to her story that I can't verify but they are minor things.


If you decide to reconcile, then you may have to come to grips with the fact that she may not tell you everything you want to know. I agree that there are probably some really awful things that she did with the OM that she does not ever wanting you to know about. She is still trickle truthing, and she is possibly still in the fog.

Man I feel for you. You have to learn how to love this whole new creature that used to be your wife. This stuff makes me believe in alien abduction and pod people.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

I would guess that most of the reasons for the affair that she told are all probably right. It is basically living out a fantasy I believe. A fantasy no one will ever know about. Between 70 and 75% percent of men and women admit they would like to have an affair if they knew they would not get caught. When people figure they won't get caught things go to far. 

I think its all about the allure of a new sex partner and a little bit of an emotional connection with women . But when they get caught and questioned they have had time to consider what they have done. Looking back on it they actually can't figure out why they would do something where so much was at stake and trade it for what amounts to be so little. Logically they can not believe what they did either, like they are looking at something someone else did and how obviously stupid it was. Some even commit suicide, have mental, breakdowns, waste away or in some way completely come undone.

One thing I think every betrayed spouse should do, is look into treatment for PTSD as has been mentioned in many threads here. After all, how many things could possibly be more traumatic than adultery?


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## JustaJerk (Dec 2, 2011)

> The OM and OMW blocked my FB page. I sent the OM and the OMW each a message from my WS FB (never from mine). *They both blocked me but not my WS.* I can look around their FB pages with no problem from my WS account. I can't access theirs from my FB. When I go to search on my WS's FB page I just have to type in the first letter of either of their names and they pop right up on top.* I am really wondering if his wife was not involved.* Maybe over paranoid but why would they not block my WS from their FB? If I was the OMW I would have blocked my WS right away and had my husband block her as well. I just do not get it.


...very peculiar, indeed.


I'm thinking they're swingers or in an open marriage, and your wife was involved in their shenanigans.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

The omw didn't block her so she could keep an eye on her. Its obvious why the om didn't block her. Om probaly made his wife block you and its obvious why he blocked you.

Why hasn't your wife blocked him?


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## Yardman (Sep 10, 2011)

Something to consider....

Maybe "God" intervened and caused your son to stop after 1 beer. Most people don't stop after 1 beverage when they "go back out".

What sort of "program" is your son in and what "treatment" did he receive?


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## Trojan John (Sep 30, 2011)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Trojan John said:


> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Does anyone know why so many posts from mobile devices fail?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Have you exposed his good Christian values to his pastor?

I agree with what you have to say about the lies and cheatng done by the ever faithful christins like the OM.

The best place to find a person to cheat withi is at church, not at a bar.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> Have you exposed his good Christian values to his pastor?
> 
> I agree with what you have to say about the lies and cheatng done by the ever faithful christins like the OM.
> 
> ...


LMAO You haven't been in the bars I've been in!


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

chapparal said:


> The omw didn't block her so she could keep an eye on her. Its obvious why the om didn't block her. Om probaly made his wife block you and its obvious why he blocked you.
> 
> Why hasn't your wife blocked him?


My WS can't access her FB account. I have not closed it so I can monitor some things. At some point I will just close the account.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Yardman said:


> Something to consider....
> 
> Maybe "God" intervened and caused your son to stop after 1 beer. Most people don't stop after 1 beverage when they "go back out".
> 
> What sort of "program" is your son in and what "treatment" did he receive?


My son went into a 20 day treatment facility near Philadelphia Pa. They were great. He has continued with group therapy locally and was put on an anti-anxiety medication.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> Have you exposed his good Christian values to his pastor?
> 
> I agree with what you have to say about the lies and cheatng done by the ever faithful christins like the OM.
> 
> ...


Shaggy, I talked to his pastor, his employer (who actually had more concern for me and knows the OM's pastor well). Right now I am in the process of trying to contact his brothers and parents, (they are all buggy Amish with no phones). The OM left the Amish church years ago and is living a modern life.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

chapparal said:


> Good question Thorburn. How is your wife doing in reconciliation? How are you doing? Is it working?
> 
> How does she explain her actions now?


My WS is doing most the correct things at this point. The last two times I had to drive home (last Friday and then Monday night because I had medical appointments for my VA claim) she called me as I was leaving work and talked to me till I got home, which was about a three hour drive for me. She did this because she knows I trigger on the way home. The OM lives along the highway and I can see his house, I have to drive past the bar where they first met in the parking lot when my WS picked him up for their first sexual encounter and of course all the motels where they had sex are all along my route home. 

So my WS now calls me and talks to me so I do not trigger and this is something she did on her own. This is just one of the things she is doing. She does not get defensive or arguementative. She did lie to me this past Saturday and I went off on her and she finally admitted to lying to me. It was really a minor issue but at the time it seemed bigger and I knew she lied and it set me off. 

We put an offer on a second house yesterday and it looks good. This is so we can be together at the end of the day instead of me living in an apartment 3 hours away. So in most things my wife is doing the heavy lifting in a very positive way.

Me. I drank a little last Friday but did not get blasted drunk. I am doing better and my WS's oldest brother (he is a senior pastor in North Dakota) keeps in contact with me. Only one brother has been in contact with my WS and her family use to be very close. None of her other family members have contacted her since I made her call them and tell them what she did. I have friends who call me several times a week. One of them is a Vietnam vet who is a social worker from a previous job. I have my moments and there are days that I wish I would have just walked away from her.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Please stop pressuring yourself. Don't make promises to her or yourself that you are going to remain married and just take things one day at a time. 

The important thing is for you to concentrate on your healing no matter what the outcome of the marriage turns out to be.

If you haven't done so already, please consider seeking the services of a professional therapist with experience in helping victims of infidelity and PTSD. *Don't make your personal recovery dependent on her actions or lack of*.

Oh and cut the booze completely.


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