# Narcissism or differing ideals?



## klg1980 (Aug 8, 2016)

Yes, that is a weird title, I know. I will just dive in to the story and hopefully you guys can help me sort some things out - because my brain is melting and I don't know what's Up or Down anymore, so could use outside "feedback". :wink2:

I'm 35, single Mom of four and live in a remote place with no family around. I've been divorced almost 4 years now, and for the last 20 months I've been "dating" a man exclusively. I say "dating" because it took him the first 8 months of that 20 to decide he wanted to be IN a relationship with me, citing his very recent divorce and not being ready.

However, he spent the next 6-7 months after committing still texting and messaging random women (and a few chicks he used to date) slightly inappropriate things. We worked through that, and are now in a place where he has deleted all other women who aren't related by job or hometown or family. He even moved in next door to me, so our kids could have each other around and he & I could get closer, and begin 'feeling what it's like to be in each others lives every day'. The reason for that is because he says he isn't ready to move in together, far from it. We haven't been a smooth sailing couple, so I agree that would be bad and the neighbor thing is a good first step.

Where the issue NOW lies is his anger and what I want to call Narcissistic tendencies. I have Googled and spoken with a couple of Therapists (only able to do initial sessions as I have no insurance) and everything I'm being given screams out "Your man is a Narcissist, dummy".

He's also 35, divorced twice and mysteriously ALL of his Ex's are "psycho *****es who tore me down and made me this way". He also has a hair trigger temper. He is NOT abusive, he just becomes a cornered rat and lashes out verbally once angered. No matter how minor, or unintentional the thing was (sometimes just me saying something in a joking manner or trying to compliment him & it sounding weird). His favorite phrase is "Eff you. Leave me then." and no matter how I try to calmly explain or apologize, he takes DAYS to calm down and want to talk..........except his idea of talking it over (days later) is to have sex, ignore what happened and just carry on. Never addressing it - until the next fight, when it gets thrown in MY face. 

I get called "crazy" and "hormonal" and "B*tch" if I try to have a sit down talk about the things he does that hurt me or I want us to work on together. There is zero communication. The only thing I've ever told him I need in a relationship is daily contact of some kind. Whether a Good Morning, Have A Nice Day text or a note on my car or a knock on my door at night to kiss me goodnight. I feel daily contact of some kind isn't too much to ask. He does! If I mention it, all my words are misconstrued and next thing I know I am blocked from texting/messaging for hours until I "walk away and calm down and get your sh*t straight".

He is on vacation right now, for a government-affiliated conference & also to see his family in that area. He's not sent me a single picture (I asked cuz I've never been to that town & I'm a travel/history freak!) and sent me maybe 4 texts in 9 days. All antagonistic toned, telling me to leave him alone to enjoy his trip cuz he's "busy". He also has refused to add me back to his Social Media since he deleted me 4 months ago (after a nasty fight) so I can't even enjoy his posts & pictures from his sightseeing that way. :frown2:

I am a very intelligent, funny, attractive, caring woman who has climbed a heck of a life ladder all on her own & is now joining the Military (yes, I really am!) so I don't 'need' any man. I want this one in my life, and I am very deeply in love with him........but I am tired of the eggshells. I'm tired of asking to sit down & have a discussion and instead only ending up being told I must be hormonal again and he's sick of my crazy crap.

I can hold my own anywhere in life, I am well-spoken and have a sharp mind.....but I have allowed this man to make me a nervous, unsure, insecure mess with no confidence who is beginning to think she IS a crazy, hormonal pain in the butt. :surprise:


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Run. Who cares what label he wears.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Why on earth do you want this man in your life? He sounds horrible to have a relationship with judging by the information you just gave.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

This is a serious and genuine question, OP: Why do you feel that you don't deserve better than this man and this hopelessly dysfunctional relationship?


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

it's a sad thing that everyone on this planet (it seems) think they are entitled (or perhaps suited?) to be in a long term relationship or marriage.

some people just aren't there temperamentally or character wise to be in a relationship. it's a disaster waiting to happen.
some people are even incapable of truly loving another human being.
people with serious anger issues are in a category where they need to resolve their anger before getting involved with another person.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Dump him. Yesterday. You deserve so much better.


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## sissylo (Jun 22, 2016)

Joining the military is hard enough as it is, I've been there. His wreaking havoc on you is completely unnecessary and you deserve better. I hope for the best for you.


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## Síocháin (Mar 11, 2016)

@klg1980, your boyfriend doesn't sound narcissistic, he sounds hateful. By what you have posted, please love and respect yourself more. You do not need this in your life and he will suck all the goodness out of you. I am in the process of divorcing my passive aggressive STBXH. He has narcissistic tendencies as well. It will crush your soul and you will no longer recognize yourself in the mirror. 



klg1980 said:


> I can hold my own anywhere in life, I am well-spoken and have a sharp mind.....but I have allowed this man to make me a nervous, unsure, insecure mess with no confidence who is beginning to think she IS a crazy, hormonal pain in the butt. :surprise:


THIS ^^^^^ I have lived with for 24 years. Just end it now and learn from it. Figure out why you allowed his behavior so you won't do it again. Listen to the posters. They have helped me so much by just being here and can help you too.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

I guess I don't know why you say that you're in love with this guy. You seem to be intelligent enough to know better. Leave him before you end up in a relationship like mine.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

klg1980 said:


> I am a very intelligent


Obviously not if you're still with this LOSER.

Why are you so heavily vested in a d0uchebag who verbally abuses you and is courting other women behind your back?



klg1980 said:


> so I don't 'need' any man.


Yeah? Well put your money where your mouth is. 

Dump this clown before you do something colossally stupid like marry him.

Right now all he sees is a doormat to stomp his feet on. Get some self respect.


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## thefam (Sep 9, 2014)

I'm sorry but I'm really having a hard time buying this story. You have not said one thing about this man that is positive or appealing in any way, but you have listed a boatload of characteristics that are negative and frankly, red flags for being around your kids. Then you say you are "intelligent" and "don't need a man." Sorry, this just does not add up. If this is authentic then I don't see much anyone can do for you on a forum if you have not recognized that this man is not worth your time. Frankly, even considering staying in a relationship with him is self-abusive and abusive toward your kids.


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

klg1980 said:


> I am a very intelligent, funny, attractive, caring woman who has climbed a heck of a life ladder all on her own & is now joining the Military (yes, I really am!) so I don't 'need' any man. I want this one in my life, and I am very deeply in love with him........but I am tired of the eggshells. I'm tired of asking to sit down & have a discussion and instead only ending up being told I must be hormonal again and he's sick of my crazy crap.
> 
> :


You must not believe the above statement. If you believe it, this "man" would be ancient history. START BELIEVING IN YOURSELF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LIVE your beliefs, for real!!!


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

klg1980 said:


> I'm 35, single Mom of four ...
> 
> I am a very intelligent, funny, attractive, caring woman who has climbed a heck of a life ladder all on her own & is *now joining the Military *(yes, I really am!)


This is bogus. Why? Because my husband was a career Army officer. Let's just say I know more about the military than most people. So unless you have prior reservist experience or are joining the Coast Guard, the cutoff age for all other branches of the military is 34.

Yeah, right ... you are "deeply" in love with a man who calls you filthy names. I find this about as believable as the moon being made of cream cheese.


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## klg1980 (Aug 8, 2016)

I said I was intelligent, I didn't say I was perfect or knew what I was doing in life/love. A person can be very smart intellectually, but an idiot in relationship-world. I know my Pro's, but I also know my Con's. He has his positives, I just didn't extoll them as thoroughly because this post wasn't about gushing over the good times. It was to list the negatives and get feedback from neutral, third party eyes on those negatives and what they symbolize in a person & relationship.


Thank you for the replies and opinions, I appreciate those who took the time to read my novel and weigh in.


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## klg1980 (Aug 8, 2016)

Prodigal said:


> This is bogus. Why? Because my husband was a career Army officer. Let's just say I know more about the military than most people. So unless you have prior reservist experience or are joining the Coast Guard, the cutoff age for all other branches of the military is 34.
> 
> Yeah, right ... you are "deeply" in love with a man who calls you filthy names. I find this about as believable as the moon being made of cream cheese.




Nope. Air Force is now taking single parents AND up to age 39. Check your facts, things change.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

I did research the facts. You stated you were joining the "military." I am correct when it comes to your generalization. As of late 2014, the Air Force changed its enlistment age up to 39. The Marine Corps maintains a cutoff age of 29 and Army still maintain the cutoff at 35, which they changed from 34. The Air Force is the ONLY component of the "military" that has allowed candidates to be 39, and that is not applicable to the Air Force Reserve, where the age is still 34.

But I fear I parse words here. So what are the good parts about this man who calls you a b!tch, has a hair-trigger temper, and tells you to f^ck off?

Inquiring minds would like to know. Seriously.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

klg1980 said:


> It took him the first 8 months of that 20 to decide he wanted to be IN a relationship with me, citing his very recent divorce and not being ready.
> 
> However, *he spent the next 6-7 months after committing *still texting and messaging random women (and a few chicks he used to date) slightly inappropriate things.
> 
> ...


Nope, you sure didn't "extol" his virtues. This is what YOU wrote. Then you want to get defensive and say you want feedback from "neutral third party" eyes. Uh, yeah ... that is EXACTLY what you got in response to what you wrote.

But he's NOT abusive??? I suggest you get some serious counseling, because this goes way beyond pros and cons ...


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## klg1980 (Aug 8, 2016)

As someone brand new to this site, and these forums, I would certainly like to think you aren't always such an abrasive, rude, condescending person. Especially to new people. If you are, then there's something to be said for honesty with a tactful approach. You may not understand why I am doing what I am, or am with the person I'm with, or even why I came here to "ask for third party eyes" like I did - but your lack of manners toward a stranger looking for a place to openly discuss things bothering her is not only inexcusable, but a sign of someone who clearly has issues of their own.

Thank you for the people who gave their opinions, yes I appreciate them, and an even bigger thank you to the tactless and rude ones. They've shown me this isn't a welcoming place to chat with people in similar situations (past or present) who can understand and listen, and possibly even guide and befriend.

I'll see myself out. Deuces.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

klg1980 said:


> As someone brand new to this site, and these forums, I would certainly like to think you aren't always such an abrasive, rude, condescending person. Especially to new people. If you are, then there's something to be said for honesty with a tactful approach. You may not understand why I am doing what I am, or am with the person I'm with, or even why I came here to "ask for third party eyes" like I did - but your lack of manners toward a stranger looking for a place to openly discuss things bothering her is not only inexcusable, but a sign of someone who clearly has issues of their own.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Lol they're going to eat you alive in boot camp.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Lol they're going to eat you alive in boot camp.


Yep!


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

It sort of sounds like you already know what you need to do but you're just dragging your heels because it's going to be painful, and more than a little uncomfortable considering he lives next door.

I'd like to give you a little shove in the back to get you to finish it already, but sometimes that just makes people dig their heels in even further.

Probably a good idea to start planning for what you'll do when it ends, because unless you want to live like this forever, it's going to end at some point. Considering he's already divorced twice, even if you get married, it's a pretty fair bet it won't last.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You and your children deserve better. Get better and dump worser! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

klg1980 said:


> Yes, that is a weird title, I know. I will just dive in to the story and hopefully you guys can help me sort some things out - because my brain is melting and I don't know what's Up or Down anymore, so could use outside "feedback". :wink2:
> 
> I'm 35, single Mom of four and live in a remote place with no family around. I've been divorced almost 4 years now, and for the last 20 months I've been "dating" a man exclusively. I say "dating" because it took him the first 8 months of that 20 to decide he wanted to be IN a relationship with me, citing his very recent divorce and not being ready.
> 
> ...


You really think he's not abusive??? Really???


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

I am sure he can be wonderful at times, otherwise you'd be gone long time ago. But you also know deep down, that this is not what relationship should look like. In just twenty months he turned you into the scared, walking on eggshells lady, now imagine what will be left of you in twenty years. Because he will not get better, he will ge more abusive.

Run, lady. And don't get offended because people on this site are trying to tell you straight what's going on. He calls you "*****" and you are still with him, but here you can not handle few rough words from people who are trying to save your life? How will you handle military?


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

klg1980 said:


> As someone brand new to this site, and these forums, I would certainly like to think you aren't always such an abrasive, rude, condescending person. Especially to new people. If you are, then there's something to be said for honesty with a tactful approach. You may not understand why I am doing what I am, or am with the person I'm with, or even why I came here to "ask for third party eyes" like I did - but your lack of manners toward a stranger looking for a place to openly discuss things bothering her is not only inexcusable, but a sign of someone who clearly has issues of their own.
> 
> Thank you for the people who gave their opinions, yes I appreciate them, and an even bigger thank you to the tactless and rude ones. They've shown me this isn't a welcoming place to chat with people in similar situations (past or present) who can understand and listen, and possibly even guide and befriend.
> 
> I'll see myself out. Deuces.


See you! But if you do come back to read. Why are you with him? If you don't need a man, don't keep one around. Especially one that makes you feel like a nut job.

There is no point in being exclusive with someone who doesn't make you feel happy and secure. Otherwise you'll be back here sooner or later posting in the coping with infidelity forum.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

klg1980 said:


> Thank you for the people who gave their opinions, yes I appreciate them, and an even bigger thank you to the tactless and rude ones. They've shown me this isn't a welcoming place to chat with people in similar situations (past or present) who can understand and listen, and possibly even guide and befriend.
> 
> I'll see myself out. Deuces.


Well, I guess you only came here looking for justification for your poor life choices.

Only thing worse than a doormat is a 'know it all' doormat. The only thing we are reading is foolish ignorance.

No one is going to tell you, you are making a great decision staying with this loser. Wake up sleeping beauty.

At least get some individual counseling to address your obvious codependency and low self esteem issues. 

An "intelligent" person would do that much..... Deuces.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

klg1980,

I know that you think that some posts on here are being rude/mean to you.

I know these folks pretty well as most, if not all, of those posting to you here are long time posters. Because of this, I know that you are responding to what you wrote in a very honest fashion. They care. They could not be here giving of their free time if they did not care.

What you wrote about you boyfriend is not good at all. It's actually sort of scary. If this is what he's like when you are dating I can only imagine what he would be like after marriage. People are usually on their best behavior while dating. Abuse usually does not raise it's ugly head until after they are married and they feel that it's safe to start showing the ugly side of their personality.

Something I learned the hard way is that a person is really only as good as the worst that they do. So you know that that says about your bf. He's not a good person. He's rude, hateful, calls you bad names, tells you to f'off. Does not want to discuss the relationship, does want to learn what your needs are... but he wants sex. That about

I agree that you seem to be an intelligent person. I also agree that intelligence does not mean that a person is good at relationships. A lot of the people here on TAM fall into this category. A lot of us are well educated, intelligent and suck at relationships. But we have learned, or are learning, to up our emotional intelligence. 

I think that this is what you need to do. If you do, you will come to realize what you have to do. You have to leave this guy. This is not how a good man treats a woman.

To start with, please do a google search on "Cycle of Abuse". It will explain why sometimes he's sooo good. And sometimes he's soooo bad. See, if an abuser is bad/abusive all the time, then you would run for the hills almost immediately. You'd dump him fast. But the periods of when he's good is called a honeymoon period. He'll be good for a while to suck you in, then once he feels safe he'll start to feel stressed and you will feel a tension from him. This continues until he explodes again. And then after the explosion... it goes back to the honeymoon period. And round and round it goes.

The "Cycle of Abuse" is actually a spiral because the mean time between his abusive explosions will get shorter and shorter over time. Why do abusive people use a cycle of abuse? Because they learn that over time it trains their target to play the into the game. It beaks down the target's defenses, they become exhausted and unsure of themselves.

What is the purpose of abuse? Why are some people abusers? Abuse is always about control. He's working on you to break you down so that he has emotional control over you.

Please start reading everything you can find on the internet and in book stores about abusive relationships. You need to do this until you feel strong enough to get away from this guy. He's dangerous to your very well being. And to your children because your children are learning that this is what a relationship is like. You sons will grow up to be abusers like him and your daughters will grow up to be victims of abuse.

I really hope that you reconsider your intent to leave TAM. No one here has any bad feelings towards you. We are concerned.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

BetrayedDad said:


> Well, I guess you only came here looking for justification for your poor life choices.
> 
> Only thing worse than a doormat is a 'know it all' doormat. The only thing we are reading is foolish ignorance.
> 
> ...


Some of the post intelligent people are not good with relationships, basically they have a low emotional IQ. It's a pretty well known fact.

Berating the OP will not help her.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Some of the post intelligent people are not good with relationships, basically they have a low emotional IQ. It's a pretty well known fact.
> 
> Berating the OP will not help her.


And intelligent people don't go bragging about how intelligent they are after making a bunch of illogical decisions. 

Nothing is going to help the OP. She didn't come here for help. She came here for justifications in accepting her emotional abuse.

If you want to tell her to, "Give him another chance because he's such a great guy and this is a forum for reconciliations only" then be my guest.

That's all she wants to hear from you. Everything else is falling on deaf ears. I know a lost cause relationship when I see one.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

BetrayedDad said:


> And intelligent people don't go bragging about how intelligent they are after making a bunch of illogical decisions.
> 
> Nothing is going to help the OP. She didn't come here for help. She came here for justifications in accepting her emotional abuse.
> 
> ...


There are barely 2 pages of replies to the OP. She's hardly getting started here. 

My suggestion is that if you find the OP frustrating that this is probably not a thread that you should be on. You are basically attacking the OP... a bannable offense here on TAM.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> My suggestion is that if you find the OP frustrating that this is probably not a thread that you should be on.


That's fine, I can take a hint.



EleGirl said:


> You are basically attacking the OP... a bannable offense here on TAM.


I was not attacking her. I'm sorry you feel that way.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

I respectfully disagree with the moderator. The OP has four children. If she doesn't consider a man who speaks filth to her as abusive, I imagine the children have had a front row and center to this mess. Even if they have been shielded, to some degree, I'm sure they pick up on the "vibe" this cretin gives off. 

His previous wives were psycho-b!tches? One of his common phrases is "f-you"? Yeah, I DO get my hackles up and come down hard on anyone who posts on here that they're such an intelligent, hot ticket person who has their sh!t together, yet they prefer to see such mistreatment as NOT abusive ... then add children to the mix?

Sorry. If the OP wants to be treated like crap and get support for it, fine by me. But the children who are stuck in the middle of this? NO WAY. I stand by my response.

And a LARGE P.S. - The poster considers our responses tactless, but doesn't think a man calling her horrible names is not abusive - WTF?????


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

NobodySpecial said:


> Run. Who cares what label he wears.


So much this! 

And he's a narcissist.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

klg1980 said:


> As someone brand new to this site, and these forums, I would certainly like to think you aren't always such an abrasive, rude, condescending person. Especially to new people. If you are, then there's something to be said for honesty with a tactful approach. You may not understand why I am doing what I am, or am with the person I'm with, or even why I came here to "ask for third party eyes" like I did - but your lack of manners toward a stranger looking for a place to openly discuss things bothering her is not only inexcusable, but a sign of someone who clearly has issues of their own.
> 
> Thank you for the people who gave their opinions, yes I appreciate them, and an even bigger thank you to the tactless and rude ones. They've shown me this isn't a welcoming place to chat with people in similar situations (past or present) who can understand and listen, and possibly even guide and befriend.
> 
> I'll see myself out. Deuces.


Now take that same bravery, and tell it to the narcissist you're dating.


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