# Nothing I do is good enough



## Steve1979 (Jan 25, 2018)

I mop the floors - "You must have used the wrong cleaning stuff, it still feels sticky."

I cook dinner - "It's too spicy" "I don't really like it" "You gave me too much"

I do the laundry "You didn't hang it properly"

I make the beds "You didn't put the pillows back right"

This has pretty much become my life lately. Criticism after criticism and god forbid I get upset about the constant critiquing of everything. "You don't need to sulk" "If I don't like it I'm just going to tell you."

It's pretty much been a constant for my 10 years with her. Probably worse right at the moment as I've been off on sick leave for a couple of months and managing all the household things.

She has literally not had to clean, cook, bathe the kids, do dishes, ANYTHING at all for ages.

I make her breakfast, lunch, dinner, clean up only to be made to feel like I haven't done anything all day.

Any advice on how to cope with this type of person? I'm about to just walk out as I've had enough of it. I can't tell her anything about how I feel, she's quick to say I'm too sensitive, taking it too personally etc. That's fine, but that doesn't change how I feel!


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Sounds like it’s well past time for you to stop cooking or cleaning.

Are you a stay-at-home dad?


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## Steve1979 (Jan 25, 2018)

GusPolinski said:


> Sounds like it’s well past time for you to stop cooking or cleaning.
> 
> Are you a stay-at-home dad?


I've thought about it but I just don't like mess myself and my child suffers if I stop.

Currently stay at home. Been having some PTSD issues and on long-term sick leave at the moment. I should be back at work soon.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Steve1979 said:


> I've thought about it but I just don't like mess myself and my child suffers if I stop.
> 
> Currently stay at home. Been having some PTSD issues and on long-term sick leave at the moment. I should be back at work soon.


Then learn to say this —

“That’s the way I like it. If you want it done differently, do it yourself.”

From what does your PTSD stem?


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## Steve1979 (Jan 25, 2018)

I was involved in a hostage situation, a riot in a maximum security division and a couple of times was a first-responder to a suicide. It only started to affect me years after it happened.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

I feel for you brother. I went thru the same thing. I was told how I ruined so many pairs of slacks because I washed them. When I told her I didn't feel appreciated I was told "I am doing the best I can and if you don't like it, I am leaving!" in return.
I am now divorced. If you can leave you should. No since in putting up with being abused.
FTR you sound like the prototypical Nice Guy. You do and do and then do more hoping to make everything better for her. In the meantime you give away so much of who you are that in the end you lose yourself. When it finally ends you find your self lost and confused. 
Take control of your life now and be happy


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## Steve1979 (Jan 25, 2018)

Ynot said:


> I feel for you brother. I went thru the same thing. I was told how I ruined so many pairs of slacks because I washed them. When I told her I didn't feel appreciated I was told "I am doing the best I can and if you don't like it, I am leaving!" in return.
> I am not divorced. If you can leave you should. No since in putting up with being abused.
> FTR you sound like the prototypical Nice Guy. You do and do and then do more hoping to make everything better for her. In the meantime you give away so much of who you are that in the end you lose yourself. When it finally ends you find your self lost and confused.
> Take control of your life now and be happy


You're not divorced? So are you still with that same woman Ynot? 

I do feel like I'm lost. I'm not going to lie, I feel like I am not even really a worthy man anymore. I don't even really see anyone now. Just feel like I'm too busy looking after the family. 

She is also EXTREMELY pedantic. I keep the floors tidy, like as in vacuum twice a week and mop once a week, spot mop if required. If I had a dollar for every time I thought the floors looked OK and she called it a pig sty I'd be rich!


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

I gotta be honest. You teach her how she can treat you. Why?

Is she some special snowflake that's irreplaceable?

IMO a nice calm cool FU is in order.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Steve1979 said:


> I mop the floors - "You must have used the wrong cleaning stuff, it still feels sticky."
> 
> I cook dinner - "It's too spicy" "I don't really like it" "You gave me too much"
> 
> ...


I had a similar situation.

I told my wife if there was any clothes she didn't want me to wash, I would just put them aside for her to wash, otherwise, if I wash something after reading the tag, I will wash and dry it my way.

As to cooking my wife cooks by following detailed recipes and not deviating. I tend to look up three recipes and do something in between and correct seasoning by taste. It drives her nuts. I tell her that if I am cooking I get to do it my way and if she doesn't like it she can make a bowl of canned soup. 

The point is you are not her servant nor her slave. When you do things, you get to control your own labor, unless you would obviously ruin something. If that is the case, you can always choose not to do something.

One nice thing to do is hire some things to be done that are important to your wife. Laundry I don't do because I won't do it her way, she can take to a professional dry cleaner & laundry.

Good luck, don't let her get to you. You have the right to set boundaries, as does your wife. If the boundaries don't overlap, there are other ways to do things.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I think that you have to make it clear how close you are to walking out over this. If it helps write it all down and explain that if things don't change drastically and she doesn't start treating you with some respect you will leave. With your mental health as it is, this wont be helping you to recover. Men need respect, just as women need love.
I think that some MC is desperately needed.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Dude stand up for yourself. Most people don't like mates who are pushovers. Tell her enough and your done, from now on she can do it herself. 

Like @Marc878 said you teach people how to treat you.


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## tribezulu (Mar 10, 2010)

This sounds a bit like my marriage. I do a lot around the house, and truthfully, I don't need my wife to complement me on it or anything. It's part of being a father and husband. What bothers me is when I work my tail off around the house, and all I hear about is what I didn't do, or what I didn't do right. 

Today I woke up, made my daughter her lunch and walked her to school, then went to work, picked her up after school, cooked dinner, cleaned the kitchen and then got her ready for bed, played with her and read to her. It was a really busy and productive day, so please don't comment on how I forgot to sweep the floors too. I'll get them tomorrow.

Not sure I'm the best guy to give advice. My old rule used to be "you can ask me to do something, or tell me how to do something, but not both." These days I usually listen to her thoughts on how to do something, and then either take it or leave it... the best idea wins!

One thing I will say, if your wife is anything like mine, you have to look out for yourself a little. Work hard, but don't be afraid to say "I've had enough. I'm taking a moment for me (or we) now". 

Good luck


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

You guys are too much.

Wife: "You cleaned the floor wrong. It needs to be this way."

You: "OK well next time you do it."

Week later

Wife: "Are you going to clean the floor"

You: "Nah, I will watch you do it, it's obvious you think you do it better then me."

Wife: "It's just blah blah blah"

You: "OK well you do it then."

Stop being so passive. If your relationship hinges on if you do the floor well or not you have much bigger problems.


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## HeartbrokenW (Sep 26, 2012)

sokillme said:


> You guys are too much.
> 
> Wife: "You cleaned the floor wrong. It needs to be this way."
> 
> ...


I think Ynot meant he is NOW divorced, instead of NOT divorced... I followed his thread when he was going thru it.

Sent from my SM-G955U using Tapatalk


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

HeartbrokenW said:


> I think Ynot meant he is NOW divorced, instead of NOT divorced... I followed his thread when he was going thru it.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G955U using Tapatalk


I didn't really mean him. 

I guess I should say though my post assumes that OP isn't just really bad a cleaning. I guess that could be the case though.:surprise:

Also men and women actually see differently, women have some advantage when it comes to cleaning because of that.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Steve1979 said:


> You're not divorced? So are you still with that same woman Ynot?
> 
> I do feel like I'm lost. I'm not going to lie, I feel like I am not even really a worthy man anymore. I don't even really see anyone now. Just feel like I'm too busy looking after the family.
> 
> She is also EXTREMELY pedantic. I keep the floors tidy, like as in vacuum twice a week and mop once a week, spot mop if required. If I had a dollar for every time I thought the floors looked OK and she called it a pig sty I'd be rich!


Yes, I am divorced. Over time, I became more and more unhappy, resentful and angry. Despite that, I continued to take on more and more to try to make her life easier. It was a vicious cycle. The more I did, the more she pulled away. The more she pulled away, the more I did, etc, etc, etc. 
I became morose and unhappy. I felt as though I was wasting my life. As though I was cuckolded, watching her live this great life of adventure and excitement and fun, while I toiled away taking care of all the backroom, downunder stuff of everyday life. 
I paid all of the bills. I cut the grass (we had 3 acres). I did the laundry. I cleaned the house. I made dinner most nights. She went on girl's weekends, cruises, Girl's nights, retail therapy, etc.
In the background the only sex we had was maybe once every week or two, with no passion. It was duty sex. At first the little tidbits worked and my mood would lighten. But then even that didn't work. There was never any spontaneity, no lust, no passion, no pillow talk. Instead it was just a quick screw, then she got up, showered and went about her business for the rest of the day.
When the time was right. She set the stage, pushed all the right buttons and set it all up for me to take the blame. She left, insisted we divorce immediately, refused to talk about and pretty much just walked away after 24 years.
So yes, I am divorced. That was 3.5 years ago. Today, I am still learning about who I am, what I want, what I want out of life. I allowed what happened to me happen to me. Perhaps I can say I should have known better. But I didn't. I was simply doing the best that I could. And in reality, so was she. As someone else said, we teach our partners how to treat us. That is exactly what I had done and that is exactly what you are doing.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

HeartbrokenW said:


> I think Ynot meant he is NOW divorced, instead of NOT divorced... I followed his thread when he was going thru it.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G955U using Tapatalk


You are correct. NOW divorced.


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## AtMyEnd (Feb 20, 2017)

Steve1979 said:


> I mop the floors - "You must have used the wrong cleaning stuff, it still feels sticky."
> 
> I cook dinner - "It's too spicy" "I don't really like it" "You gave me too much"
> 
> ...


I was in the similar situation, nothing was ever good enough or done right. I'd help do the laundry and she'd complain that I put things of hers in on the wrong cycle or in the dryer when they should've been hung, so I stopped doing her laundry and only did my own. When she complained that I was only doing my laundry and not hers, I told her that she always tells me I'm doing it wrong or ruining something of hers so she can do it herself. I did the same for a lot of thing she criticized me about, now I take care of my things, my sons things, and the basics around the house and that's it.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Steve1979 said:


> I mop the floors - "You must have used the wrong cleaning stuff, it still feels sticky."
> 
> I cook dinner - "It's too spicy" "I don't really like it" "You gave me too much"
> 
> ...



Yeah, this sounds a lot like my marriage. No matter what, anything I did was just never going to quite measure up to expectations. Any attempts to explain or defend myself or to call him out on his bull**** was met with "you're too sensitive" or "you're just acting crazy". I think there's just something about a perceived power differential that brings out huge amounts of disrespect and contempt in some people. For my ex-husband, it was that I didn't earn as much as he did despite also working full-time, doing 100% of the housework and taking care of our medically special needs child. For your wife, I would guess it's because you're no longer in a provider position and she perceives that you've accepted a 'subservient' role as caretaker of the home. Perhaps it's that she resents having to provide while you 'get' to stay home. Either way, she's clearly lost respect for you and is treating you like somewhat incompetent staff. Nothing you do is good enough because she no longer sees you has good enough for, worthy enough of, her. 

I found that I'm much happier as a divorced woman. I'm still working full time, caring for our son, and doing all the housework myself, but it's actually much easier to do it all without the constant barrage of critiques. Turns out that life is better when you don't spend every day with someone who seems to have a vested interest in helping you to feel bad about yourself. OP, if you want to stay married, you and your wife need to get into marriage counseling. But at the very least, you've got to learn to stand up for yourself and stop allowing her to treat you with contempt. Perhaps some self-help books or a good therapist could help you with self-esteem building and improved boundary setting and enforcement. Either way, though, if your wife can't or won't find some respect for you, your marriage is likely doomed - either because you'll eventually have had enough, or because she'll find someone she sees as more worthy of her respect.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Steve1979 said:


> She has literally not had to clean, cook, bathe the kids, do dishes, ANYTHING at all for ages.


Welcome to what it's been like for the overwhelming majority of WOMEN for more years than I can count (hell, just the post above mine proves my point). For a lot of these women, throw working a full time job on TOP of having to do all the domestic chores and child-rearing, and then we can talk.



> I make her breakfast, lunch, dinner, clean up only to be made to feel like I haven't done anything all day.
> 
> Any advice on how to cope with this type of person? I'm about to just walk out as I've had enough of it. I can't tell her anything about how I feel, she's quick to say I'm too sensitive, taking it too personally etc. That's fine, but that doesn't change how I feel!


Sorry, but again, women have had to deal with this bull-**** for many, many, many years and a lot of them still DO. Oh, and I forgot, we're also expected to become an insatiable sex kitten at 10:00 pm *after* we've busted our asses all day since 6:00 am. 

Ain't so much fun having to be Super Woman every day, is it?

If there's a magic answer for this, a whole lot of women would be _very_ interested in hearing it. Aside from running for your life, I got nuthin'.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Steve1979 said:


> I mop the floors - "You must have used the wrong cleaning stuff, it still feels sticky."
> 
> I cook dinner - "It's too spicy" "I don't really like it" "You gave me too much"
> 
> ...



Stop doing it. Let the crap in the laundry build up. Make box mac and cheese. Throw it on the table with a hot dog. Let the floors get dirty. Life is to short for repeated beatings.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Welcome to what it's been like for the overwhelming majority of WOMEN for more years than I can count (hell, just the post above mine proves my point). For a lot of these women, throw working a full time job on TOP of having to do all the domestic chores and child-rearing, and then we can talk.
> 
> Sorry, but again, women have had to deal with this bull-**** for many, many, many years and a lot of them still DO. Oh, and I forgot, we're also expected to become an insatiable sex kitten at 10:00 pm *after* we've busted our asses all day since 6:00 am.
> 
> ...


You missed the point! He wasn't talking about having to do the domestic work. The point was been criticized for never doing it correctly.

My wife is a stay at home wife. She does all the laundry, cooking, cleaning, etc. I never complain about what she cooks, how she cleans, etc. She does these things and I am happy they get done. I think generally, most men are this way. They eat what is cooked. If the wife cleans the house, it is probably cleaner than what they would do. Men typically don't complain about how these things are getting done. Only if they aren't getting done. I know there are exceptions to this, but I think that is typically how it goes.

I used to help with laundry. But I kept doing it wrong. Things that said hang to dry should have gone in the dryer. Things that say they could go in the dryer should have been hung up to dry. She is very particular about how she does things, so she does things.

I do help cook every once in a while. Typically, I get criticized for things like why I am so particular about measuring things (she just estimates). I get criticized for not knowing where something is in the kitchen. I ask for directions so I don't get in trouble for doing it wrong. Then I get criticized for asking about something that I should know. Depending on her mood, it can be very difficult.

I unload the dishwasher as I seem to be able to do that good enough for her. If I load the dishwasher, she re-does it, claiming that things won't clean properly like that. Or she can get more things in there. In my opinion, she often overloads the dishwasher and then things don't get cleaned. If I was to do the same thing, I would be criticized over it. I simply clean the things that didn't get cleaned. 

I feel for the OP. If for some reason, we had to reverse roles in our house, I know I would be faced with the same thing that he is being faced with. Never doing things good enough.


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## EasyPartner (Apr 7, 2014)

This. Is why I dont't do laundry lol.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

I did laundry once and got balled out. No problem. I think it was 1975. 

DW has been doing it ever since and likes it that way.

Here... Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life

or Boundaries in Marriage

BTW, get that job quickly.

Best


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## FalCod (Dec 6, 2017)

My first thought was to respond that that is how my MIL treats everyone. We solved our problem with her by staying at 1,000 miles away most of the time. 

More seriously, it sounds like your spouse doesn't respect you. Our society is not very favorable to SAHD situations. I know of several and only one that worked out (and that was one where it was a short transition in an otherwise very successful career). It sounds like you are going through a lot with your PTSD, but I don't think there is any way that you solve this without gaining her respect back. Meaningful work is the best way to do that. I'm sure that there are others, but being a good dad and housekeeper is probably not on that list. 

It sucks. It's easy to say that she shouldn't be like that. The sad truth is that it is very normal. It's not fair because SAHM's don't face this problem nearly as often. Life isn't fair.


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## NickyT (Aug 14, 2017)

Staying at home, either to raise kids or for other reasons, does not make you Cinderella. I stay at home, but I also tell my husband to clean up after himself. I expect he will make the coffee if he is up first and every once in a while I hand Mr. Big the toilet bowl brush.

Maybe deep down you do not value what you do?

Push back a little. If she wants her pillows pulled up, tell her she can pull them more. Unless there is safety or hygiene involved, life will go on. If she wants it done differently, she can do it herself.

You sound like a sweetie. Maybe too sweet. Some people take advantage when they live with that.


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

Laundry hung up wrong, pillows not in the right spot, no big deal she should take a chill pill.

But if the floors are sticky after you cleaned them, you didn't do a good job.
If you know she doesn't like spicy food, why make it?

Sounds like the two of you need some professional input, counselling.


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## Notself (Aug 25, 2017)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Sorry, but again, women have had to deal with this bull-**** for many, many, many years and a lot of them still DO. Oh, and I forgot, we're also expected to become an insatiable sex kitten at 10:00 pm *after* we've busted our asses all day since 6:00 am.


Supremely unhelpful. If you'd like to complain about how terrible life is for all women, why not just make your own thread and stop derailing this gentleman's?


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## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

Pretty simple OP, only do your kids laundry and your own. Only cook for your kids and yourself.
When she asks why you haven't done her crap, look her straight in the eye and say "I can't do anything to your satisfaction, so do your own **** yourself. Oh and BTW, if you don't like it, I can quit!"


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## SA2017 (Dec 27, 2016)

so far I like tribezulu's response the best. some of you guys are pretty confrontational.

My husband is the same way. I am a stay at home mom and I get up in the morning to get the kids ready plus his breakfast, medication to take, his lunch for work and drink. He has no typical home chores to do. warm meals are finish when he comes home, and home is neat and clean. but yet, he still find something to criticize and I just ignore it. Yes, it bother me sometimes, but I don't give him the power to rule my way of getting things done. i listen and decide if there is something I can improve or not. if not, he needs to mind his own business. 

don't take it to heart or too personal.


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## msrv23 (Jul 14, 2017)

It seems that both sides need some work. She has to find better ways to say what she thinks and you might need to take her inputs to considerations too because you can’t sinply disregard what the other wants simply because you do it. For example, you can’t simply cook things the pther doesn’t like because you cook. Compromise is needed. Then if the result is agreed upon, she has to let you do it your way.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Steve1979 said:


> I mop the floors - "You must have used the wrong cleaning stuff, it still feels sticky."
> 
> *"Ok, next time you can do it."*
> 
> ...


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