# On the verge of separation but it's one sided or maybe I'm nuts



## JasonCaslo (Jun 4, 2017)

I am thrilled that I found this forum and I am looking forward to everyone feedback, thoughts and recommendations. My wife and I have been married for 15 years. We have been together for 21 total years. We have two kids, ages 10 and 12. 

Now on to the issues, maybe it warrants separation or maybe it's me. My wife and I rarely fight but the past 3 years have been quite a bot of fighting. We both chalk it up to the stress of raising kids, we both work, etc. Most of our arguments have been around my frustration with her poor time management, ungodly disorganization and the fact that she is incredibly slow at everything. The arguments then leads to me acting like a jerk and saying mean things. The worst part is it happens around the kids and I am sure it will impact them later in life if it hasn't already.

In her opinion (she is naive) this marriage is great! I on the other hand have told her for a year now that we have no "emotional connection". Sexual relationship is great and no complaints however we are just not connecting and I want more of a partner. Someone I can talk to, confide in, get advice from, etc. She is not any of that. She doesn't offer anything in terms of advice, she doesn't listen that well and I honestly don't feel like I can talk to her. When things are going on in my life or work I honestly feel it's easier to talk to her brother or even one of her best friends. They can relate, the offer advice and they listen. Recently, we had a long conversation and I felt for the first time she actually listened. However, the only response I got from her was "well it seems like there is something I am not giving to you or not giving enough". That was it, nothing else.

Now a few weeks later, it's back to the same. Am I nuts or is there an issue here? I am over thinking this and maybe it's normal and I am just too sensitive?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Is there any one person who are you seeking out more to talk with, to get advice from, etc? If so, who is that person?

I think that before you decide to divorce your wife (separation = divorce), there are some things you might want to try.

One is that no one person can ever meet all of another person's needs. You do have others you can talk to about things you want to get advice on, like her brother. So off-load that on other people. 

What sort of things do you and your wife do together, other than raise children? About how many hours a week do the two of you spend together, just the two of you, doing things that you both enjoy?


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## JasonCaslo (Jun 4, 2017)

Thanks for the reply, truly appreciate it.

_Is there any one person who are you seeking out more to talk with, to get advice from, etc? If so, who is that person? _

I would like this to be my wife. I don't feel like I can talk to her about anything. She literally just sits there and offers nothing, it's strange.

_One is that no one person can ever meet all of another person's needs. You do have others you can talk to about things you want to get advice on, like her brother. So off-load that on other people._ 

I totally agree and maybe I just have to accept the fact that she is just not the person in my life that I will confide in, etc. However, I question the type of relationship we have if we cannot even communicate with each other. It's crazy, I don't even know what's on her mind half the time.

_What sort of things do you and your wife do together, other than raise children? About how many hours a week do the two of you spend together, just the two of you, doing things that you both enjoy? - _

Honestly, not a lot we are wrapped up in the kids lives, school, sports, etc. plus that coupled with me traveling quite a bit for work.

My biggest fear is that I will meet someone one day who will actually sit and listen to my feelings, my fears, my hopes, my dreams and one thing leads to another and then you know how that story ends.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

JasonCaslo said:


> Thanks for the reply, truly appreciate it.
> 
> _Is there any one person who are you seeking out more to talk with, to get advice from, etc? If so, who is that person? _
> 
> ...


Yea, that's how a lot of affairs start. Of course if you are careful to not sit down and talk like that with a woman, the chance of an affair is less likely. And you do have 100% control over who you talk to and who you share your thoughts with. You could choose male friends for this. 

Was your wife always like this? Or has she become more and more disconnected over time?

Your marriage is in serious trouble. The fact that the two of you spend virtually no time together, just the two of you is a HUGE red flag. It pretty much explains what's going on.

There are two books that I think would help the two of you rebuild the connection in your relationship. 

"Love Buster" and "His Needs, Her Needs" (see links in my signature block below)

My suggestion is that you first read the books and do the work they suggest. That will help you talk to your wife about working on your marriage. Then talk to her, get her to read the books with you and then the two of you do the work together.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

JasonCaslo said:


> Thanks for the reply, truly appreciate it.
> 
> _Is there any one person who are you seeking out more to talk with, to get advice from, etc? If so, who is that person? _
> 
> ...


*
*

True, your marriage seems to be in trouble and you two are drifting apart. NO marriage can work on autopilot, if you leave it on auto pilot then things start to drift, it requires nurturing and watering like a garden.
However, from what you have written, I wonder what do you do for your wife, do you meet her needs? How do you show her you love her? Do you take her on dates, buy her flowers, remember special days, etc? If you have answered 'no' to these things then you are also culpable. 
In a marriage that is losing the connection between spouses it is often that one partner blames the other one. Whereas the blamed partner is probably unhappy too. 
If you are not meeting your wifes needs for love, affection, etc she will have little incentive to want to sit and listen to you going on about your work, hopes, dreams etc. That is too one sided.

I think you and your wife should sit down and have a heart to heart after you read the books recommended.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

I'm not trying to be snide here, but did you marry your wife because she was hot? 

All the references in your post to lack of emotional and intellectual connection suggest that could be a possibility, which is why I ask.


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## Remee81 (May 24, 2017)

I agree with the other posters here about the connection. U need to spend time with each other and reconnect. Has ur marriage always been this way is another question. Also, no one has mentioned you being critical about everything she does. She's to slow she's messy, etc. my brother in law sound all around just like u. Not spending time or talking included. I can't STAND their marriage, and personally, I don't see him work on anything and they don't talk because he is much more intelligent than her. He yells at her about everything she does, never starts conversation with her, I don't even see them interact at family parties unless he's yelling at her about the kids. She wants to bonk him over the head sometimes but otherwise seems happy. Idk how. I am far more intelligent than my spouse, but then again I can say that about most people. I find it unfortunate because it does make conversation harder but not about what's bothering me about life of the kids etc. I think u two should seek out marriage counseling because I see a lot of blame on ur end of this. Not all of it but a lot of it.


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## JasonCaslo (Jun 4, 2017)

Thanks for all the replies....I want to try and address everyone's questions in this reply. First let me expand on my relationship for a minute for purposes of clarification. No my wife and I had an awesome marriage and I certainly did not marry her just because she is hot. She was and still could be an awesome wife. She is awesome, trust me! Honestly, if we would separate I think it would literally shock the world. Our family and friends put our marriage up on a pedestal. I think where it's going wrong is the emotional connection somewhere in recent years got lost. Maybe you are right, we lost each other because we don't spend time together without the kids. They may be it and probably what it is.

I have asked her numerous times if I am meeting her needs and if she is still happy. The answer I always get is "yes I am still happy, I love our life, our marriage, yes we fight at times but that's what happens in marriages". 

I just ordered both books so looking forward to seeing what I can learn from them.

Lastly, yes I do criticize her. It's incredibly frustrating living with someone who has no organizational skills. My kids even see it and they hate it. She is late for everything, if we need to be somewhere by 2:00 we are guaranteed to arrive at least 30 minutes late. So yes living with someone like that for 20+ years takes it's toll. Her disorganization literally accounts for probably 80% of our arguments.


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## Kira (May 20, 2017)

I feel your pain and frustration. Unfortunately I don't have an advice to give. Unless it is "accept what is and bear for the sake of your kids". This is at least what I do while seeking for the help on another thread.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

JasonCaslo said:


> Thanks for the reply, truly appreciate it.
> 
> _Is there any one person who are you seeking out more to talk with, to get advice from, etc? If so, who is that person? _
> 
> ...


You didn't actually answer the question. Is there one person who you confide in more than the others? One of her female friends?
Confiding in her female friends or any other female is a massive mistake. I hope you will stop that asap. You need strong boundaries to prevent that happening. 

To be honest I am so sad that you are thinking of separation over this. She sounds like a good lady and just because she isn't exactly how you want her to be, you are thinking of leaving her and your children.:frown2: Can't you accept her as she is? So she does things differently from you, so what? Think of all of her good qualities and the promises you made to her. Think of your responsibilities to her and your children.
Get the thoughts of leaving out of your mind and pursue some long-term marriage counseling. Have a date night once a week. Have a weekend away together as often as you can.


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## Remee81 (May 24, 2017)

Have a talk with her about what bothers u. Nicely, and give her advice about how to improve the issues. I used to be late for everything now I couldn't even think of being even a minute late, and that is due to DH. I used to be disorganized and messy, he talked to me about it and we came up with what I would do on what days and it worked really well. Like today I am cleaning the bathroom, vacuuming and sweeping and mopping the kitchen (every day). Any laundry gets done and folded when there is enough for a load (three kids so every day) tomorrow I scrub down the kitchen, the next day it is the living room...etc. I actually have a chart. For the life of me, I don't know why, being intelligent as I am that I can't remember to do things on certain days but there u go. Find out what works for ur marriage and work these things out. 


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## Tex X (May 17, 2017)

Check yourself first. You're smothering your wife and she resents it. You're leaning on her way to much - approval seeking. You need to back off from your wife and focus on yourself. What can you do to make yourself better?

Oh and it sounds like you need more guy friends.


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## confusedgirl7 (Jan 18, 2017)

I can't give much in the way of advice, but I do offer my sympathy and best wishes for you to figure out what would make you happy. I am also struggling with someone who doesn't communicate (no matter how much I try to how I approach it), he is also slow at everything he does and always late for things (as you stated your wife is), we have no emotional connection and rarely spend time together. Long story short, I can relate. I don't think you're nuts at all for considering separation. It's hard living day in and day out with issues that eat away at you, especially when you feel like you're the only one working on them. I guess the only suggestion I can offer is marriage counseling. Since your wife has trouble communicating, it might help to have someone there to mediate and work through things. My husband and I are in marriage counseling right now and while I don't feel as though it is helping us, I have many friends who have said it has benefited them and saved their marriage.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Diana7 said:


> You didn't actually answer the question. Is there one person who you confide in more than the others? One of her female friends?
> Confiding in her female friends or any other female is a massive mistake. I hope you will stop that asap. You need strong boundaries to prevent that happening.


This was my thought exactly, too. You have no business confiding in any of your wife's female friends!


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## JasonCaslo (Jun 4, 2017)

I'm confused by your comment that I am smothering her? That is so far from the truth


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## JasonCaslo (Jun 4, 2017)

No I am not confiding in any of her friends. I would never overstep that line


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## Tex X (May 17, 2017)

JasonCaslo said:


> I'm confused by your comment that I am smothering her? That is so far from the truth


You're trying to focus too much on the relationship in order to "fix it", and in doing so you are pushing her further away. You're making her responsible for your happiness, and that is absolutely exhausting for a partner to endure. That is smothering her.


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## JasonCaslo (Jun 4, 2017)

Ok if the relationship is broken and I am trying to fix it, isn't that what we are supposed to do? If she is not being a good partner and I am trying to address it, isn't that her responsibility as a partner? I guess I am not following your logic


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

Has she always been this way and you are just at the end of your rope now, or is this new behavior?

What do you really mean you can't talk to her? Can you give examples of the types of conversations you actually want to have with her and how they usually go? 

You make it sound like her level of disorganization is extreme. Does she have a job outside the home? Could she have something like ADHD?

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## Tex X (May 17, 2017)

JasonCaslo said:


> Ok if the relationship is broken and I am trying to fix it, isn't that what we are supposed to do? If she is not being a good partner and I am trying to address it, isn't that her responsibility as a partner? I guess I am not following your logic


When you 'need' a relationship this badly, you come across as needy and weak, which is very unattractive. Like I said - check yourself first. Hang out with your guy friends more. Go to the gym. Focus on your hobbies. Work on you and make sure you've got yourself in a position of strength mentally and physically. Decide what you're willing to accept and what you will not accept in a relationship. Then make your wants and needs clear to her, and if she is unable or unwilling to comply, then you have a decision to make. Accept her for who she is or move on. You can't fix her - if she has issues then she needs to own that and be willing to make those changes to better herself. My point is that you telling her what she is doing wrong is shutting her down big time.


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## JasonCaslo (Jun 4, 2017)

Tex X said:


> When you 'need' a relationship this badly, you come across as needy and weak, which is very unattractive. Like I said - check yourself first. Hang out with your guy friends more. Go to the gym. Focus on your hobbies. Work on you and make sure you've got yourself in a position of strength mentally and physically. Decide what you're willing to accept and what you will not accept in a relationship. Then make your wants and needs clear to her, and if she is unable or unwilling to comply, then you have a decision to make. Accept her for who she is or move on. You can't fix her - if she has issues then she needs to own that and be willing to make those changes to better herself. My point is that you telling her what she is doing wrong is shutting her down big time.


Fair points and appreciate the clarification and you are right.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

JasonCaslo said:


> Now on to the issues, maybe it warrants separation or maybe it's me. My wife and I rarely fight but the past 3 years have been quite a bot of fighting. We both chalk it up to the stress of raising kids, we both work, etc. Most of our arguments have been around my frustration with her poor time management, ungodly disorganization and the fact that she is incredibly slow at everything. The arguments then leads to me acting like a jerk and saying mean things. The worst part is it happens around the kids and I am sure it will impact them later in life if it hasn't already.
> 
> In her opinion (she is naive) this marriage is great! I on the other hand have told her for a year now that we have no "emotional connection". Sexual relationship is great and no complaints however we are just not connecting and I want more of a partner. Someone I can talk to, confide in, get advice from, etc. She is not any of that. She doesn't offer anything in terms of advice, she doesn't listen that well and I honestly don't feel like I can talk to her


I'm not trying to be mean or put you down but this sounds like it came from a chick. 

Your role as husband and father is to be a provider, protector, mentor, spiritual leader and leader of the household.

If you need advice, spiritual guidence or a sympathetic ear, seek a therapist/counselor, clergy, trusted senior male relative etc. don't whine and ***** and spill your guys to your wife. Her role is not to be your mentor, counselor, spiritual guide etc.

She needs strength, guidence, support and validation from you. Not the other way around.

Quite frankly, I'm surprised you have a Sexlife at all because men leaning on their wives for guidence and nuturing is one of the biggest attraction and desire killers of them all. 

Seek trusted men that you look up to trust for your guidence and support and in turn provide those things to your wife.

She is not your mentor.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

So you criticize your wife like her father and make it abundantly clear that you're superior and she doesn't live up to your expectations, yet you're upset she's not a partner and you lack an emotional connection?

How do you expect someone you talk down to act like a partner?


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## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

I can relate.. My husband leans on me mostly for guidance and support for whatever is going on. I'll share my input whether he listens or not.. But he is not capable to do the same for me which is really sad.. Our relationship would be so much better if I could talk with him instead I share with friends because they are great listeners.. At least you connect sexually, cuz we don't have that either. Why not try marriage counseling? They might be able to help with communication/emotional support. Give it a few months and then decide. We have gone and they told us our communication is off and recommended us to come weekly--spouse wants no part of it.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

JasonCaslo said:


> No I am not confiding in any of her friends. I would never overstep that line


So why did you say this 
'When things are going on in my life or work I honestly feel it's easier to talk to her brother or even one of her best friends. They can relate, the offer advice and they listen'


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