# Acts like a child



## Tigger (Dec 5, 2007)

My husband had to work yesterday. This place wanted to try him out for the day and see how he would do.

I had a very important ceremony to attend that evening. It took me 8 years to achieve this.

If anyone hasn't read my story, he has been out of work for over a year and not looking.

So I take him to work and all he does is moan and bi%tch about having to work one day.

I didn't say anything but was getting pretty tired of it.

So the end of the day he calls me to tell me he was at the grocery and to pick him up.

So I get there and had to wait on him 30 minutes. 
He comes out and proceeds to moan and complain and then he starts to complain about my stupid ceremony and how he wishes it was another day and he was tired and hungry waa waa waa

I thought he may have gotten me something from the store to celebrate my ceremony but he didn't. He did nothing. Not a card, gift, nothing. He had just bought junk food for himself and the cat and no food for me. 

So I get ready and he is still moaning and complaining acting like he is half dead. We get in the car to go and he was still complaining about the stupid ceremony. I was nearly in tears but I didn't say anything. I just was very quiet.

He said, you are being quiet and I said I was nervous.

Then he finally stopped his complaining.

As for the job, I think he acted like an idiot on the job so they won't ask him back. I am going by the things he told e. He said he didn't say a word to anyone the entire day.

I guess this just adds more to the evidence of him not giving a squat about me and my feelings or about anything that is important to me. He did nothing to make this important day special to me.

Just wondering if anyone has a spouse that acts like a child and ruins anything important to you? or is so passive aggressive whining and moaning if they have to do the least little thing they don't want to do.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

I dont know your entire story.. but that sounds really excruciating.

If you are giving an honest and fair account of everything - he is behaving like a damn infant. Do you think he would describe the events the same way you did?

Go ahead.. post as if you were him. Lets see it.

(maybe thats not a helpful exercise.. dont know..)


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## Tigger (Dec 5, 2007)

He would probably be less verbose than me just saying something like,
I had to get up and go to work early to a stupid job I didn't want.

It's honest and fair. This isn't the first time he has acted like this.


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## pink_lady (Dec 1, 2012)

Well, that was painful to read. I know exactly how you felt.

If you haven't, read 'Living With the Passive Aggressive Man' by Wetzler asap. The dependency (acting like a child), the complaining when he has to do anything (hatred of authority- unfortunately he sees YOU as an authority to fight against, hatred of expectations), making you wait (covert hostility). It's all in there.

The book offers suggestions for dealing with this personality for those who REALLY want to make it work, but the psychologist who wrote it also advises that leaving might be the only way to be happy. These men rarely will even admit they are causing the problems in the relationship, much less do anything to change. At the least it will make you feel like you're not the crazy one, and not alone.


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## Tigger (Dec 5, 2007)

pink_lady said:


> Well, that was painful to read. I know exactly how you felt.
> 
> If you haven't, read 'Living With the Passive Aggressive Man' by Wetzler asap. The dependency (acting like a child), the complaining when he has to do anything (hatred of authority- unfortunately he sees YOU as an authority to fight against, hatred of expectations), making you wait (covert hostility). It's all in there.
> 
> The book offers suggestions for dealing with this personality for those who REALLY want to make it work, but the psychologist who wrote it also advises that leaving might be the only way to be happy. These men rarely will even admit they are causing the problems in the relationship, much less do anything to change. At the least it will make you feel like you're not the crazy one, and not alone.


I thought you would understand as our situations are similar. 

I looked at the book on Amazon and the kindle edition is 9 and I thought I don't want to spend another dime on this nonsense!

Is that bad?

You are right, it is NEVER them for anything. They are always the victim and everyone else is picking on them. 

I noticed that a few years ago that he really liked playing the poor me card for attention.

He came in here and looked at my screen and there was Valentines day ad on it and he made a comment about how he hated it and what a worthless holiday it was. He knows I enjoy holidays.

I said well there are plenty of men out there who like it and will do nice things for the one they love. Then he said you like holidays. I said I sure do and so do many other people.



I also refused to give him a ride somewhere too.

Sorry Charlie but taxi service and other nice things I do are over.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

Tigger said:


> I thought you would understand as our situations are similar.
> 
> I looked at the book on Amazon and the kindle edition is 9 and I thought I don't want to spend another dime on this nonsense!
> 
> ...


Does he not drive? I have known men who can stand to see their partner's success.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Thank him for helping to make your decision easier. 

I agree with pink lady, that WAS painful to read.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

I lived with a victim for years. Waa-waa-waa. He shouldn't have been wearing pants, he should have been wearing a diaper. Dang, it IS draining.

So why haven't you dumped this big baby?


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## Tigger (Dec 5, 2007)

golfergirl said:


> Does he not drive? I have known men who can stand to see their partner's success.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No and refuses to learn.
Why should he when he's had me to drag him around?

He might be jealous of my success. I don't know.


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## Tigger (Dec 5, 2007)

3Xnocharm said:


> Thank him for helping to make your decision easier.
> 
> I agree with pink lady, that WAS painful to read.


I think come here and reading other similar stories helps me to open my eyes to how things really are.

It makes me think back to other times he has done pretty rotten things and yes it does make it easier to say this it the end.


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## Tigger (Dec 5, 2007)

Prodigal said:


> I lived with a victim for years. Waa-waa-waa. He shouldn't have been wearing pants, he should have been wearing a diaper. Dang, it IS draining.
> 
> So why haven't you dumped this big baby?


It does feel like that doesn't it!

Should have paddled him and sent him to his room! :rofl:

Draining is the correct word.

I haven't been with him that long. Not decades but you know the usual reasons, real estate, illness.


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## Tigger (Dec 5, 2007)

I'm thinking of how extremely passive aggressive he has been

would never come pick me up or meet me at the airport.
never helped me move
regularly does not answer my phone calls, text, or emails
keeps me waiting when I am picking him up from some place
doesn't call me and let me know he is running late. I have sat for an hour waiting on him one time. He had to work over and he never bothered to tell me and wouldn't answer his phone
never buys me anything for any occasion birthday xmas 
I have an injury and asked him to wash the car 6 months ago. he won't do it even though he knows I can't do it.
pokes around when we are getting ready to leave making me wait on him or making me late
pokes around getting out of the car so I have to remember later to lock up the car
seems to accidentally damage any new thing I get like camera, car, etc.

wow I had better stop now.


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

My H is one of these. I remember driving home from California together after I got my master's degree (a really competitive, intense program that I worked my butt off through, including holding an internship and a part time job to pay for it. He worked at a bookstore and didn't even do anything around the house. Red flag anyone?!!). Anyway, we're on day 2 or 3 of our drive, and I thought for sure there would be a graduation gift, or at least CARD for me... maybe a surprise dinner or something on the road.... but he didn't even mention it! Not even a congratulations! Finally I asked him, "didn't you even want to say congrats? Didn't you get me a card at least?" 

No, it hadn't occurred to him. Why I didn't break up with him at this point, I'll never know....


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## Tigger (Dec 5, 2007)

northernlights said:


> My H is one of these. I remember driving home from California together after I got my master's degree (a really competitive, intense program that I worked my butt off through, including holding an internship and a part time job to pay for it. He worked at a bookstore and didn't even do anything around the house. Red flag anyone?!!). Anyway, we're on day 2 or 3 of our drive, and I thought for sure there would be a graduation gift, or at least CARD for me... maybe a surprise dinner or something on the road.... but he didn't even mention it! Not even a congratulations! Finally I asked him, "didn't you even want to say congrats? Didn't you get me a card at least?"
> 
> No, it hadn't occurred to him. Why I didn't break up with him at this point, I'll never know....


I'm sorry. That is just terrible of him to do that. The person who is supposed to care about you the most just dismisses your accomplishment.

Yeah I understand about the not breaking up. I guess I have been in a fog of such with other things on my mind.


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## pink_lady (Dec 1, 2012)

Tigger did he present himself in a completely different way when you were first dating? It's like a male bait and switch.

Yep, this guy is the poster child for passive-aggression.

He would not 'get better' without intensive therapy. Guess you'd get to pay for that since he won't work.

What is your real estate situation?


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## Tigger (Dec 5, 2007)

pink_lady said:


> Tigger did he present himself in a completely different way when you were first dating? It's like a male bait and switch.
> 
> Yep, this guy is the poster child for passive-aggression.
> 
> ...


Yes, he did present himself differently but there were some signs that I missed. He presented himself as this downtrodden misfit and it tugged at my heart strings. He would talk about how mistreated he had been.

After I was smitten with him things started to change. I kept making excuses for his behavior.

He can be very charming when he wants to be.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

You are married to a child. Personally I couldn't remain that way, but thats just me. 

He seems to like to play the victim role, and will always do so unless some serious changes are made, and they will need to come from you. Its time to give out ultimatiums, and follow through with them. If not, then you need to make a decision on if this is how you want to spend you life.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

Why do you put up with such behavior? Its not going to just magically change.


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

Do you guys have kids?


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## happysnappy (Jan 8, 2013)

Tigger said:


> I'm thinking of how extremely passive aggressive he has been
> 
> would never come pick me up or meet me at the airport.
> never helped me move
> ...


Other than not driving, this is my ex. Our marriage was short and miserable. He would even throw himself on the floor kicking and screaming when I went to work. Crying because I obviously didn't love him. I got out and haven't missed having an extra child for one second. No regrets. My life is peaceful and mostly drama free. Get rid of the dead weight.


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## happysnappy (Jan 8, 2013)

And all his exes were crazy. Guess that includes me too now! ROFL. He also pulled the bait and switch. So much so that after we split and I was dating my 12 yr old said she didn't like my bf because he might just be pretending to be nice like the ex. Ouch


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Sorry to hear this, Tigger.

My first thought was, 'Why didn't you just tell him, "Get the eff out of the car! GET OUT! I will see you when I get home."' then drive off and leave him at home.

It's what I would have done to my 15yo (without the F word), and he was acting like one!


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Honestly, Tigger, have you considered going to make an appointment with a divorce attorney?

You WILL feel so much better once you talk to one and discover:

it IS do-able
approx. how long a divorce would take
approx. how much $$ a divorce would cost
what to expect during the process
what your rights are
 You will feel IMMEDIATE relief when you have the above knowledge because you will feel EMPOWERED knowing that you are no longer trapped in this mess with this man-child.

You CAN get off the crazy-train at the next stop! First consultation for a divorce attorney is often free (or low-cost). It will give you the peace-of-mind, security of knowing there *IS* a path out of this mess and there are professionals who can and WILL help you get out. With knowledge, you lose the sense of overwhelming helplessness.

*Do it for YOURSELF. Do it THIS YEAR, hell, do it THIS MONTH. (You, too PinkLady!)*
*HUGS* to BOTH you ladies.

I left my STBXH in May 2012 and have not missed him nor regretted it for one MINUTE in the last 8 months! My life is peaceful, upbeat, stress- and drama-free, empowering, positive! I feel JOYFUL every morning...something I hadn't felt in YEARS around STBXH. 

*I want *that* for BOTH of you women, too!*

.


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## Tigger (Dec 5, 2007)

CallaLily said:


> You are married to a child. Personally I couldn't remain that way, but thats just me.
> 
> He seems to like to play the victim role, and will always do so unless some serious changes are made, and they will need to come from you. Its time to give out ultimatiums, and follow through with them. If not, then you need to make a decision on if this is how you want to spend you life.


I am done. There is some property that needs to be sold first.


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## Tigger (Dec 5, 2007)

trey69 said:


> Why do you put up with such behavior? Its not going to just magically change.


I don't know. It just started out so subtle, the childish ways. It just puzzled me because he never ever seemed to get angry.


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## Tigger (Dec 5, 2007)

northernlights said:


> Do you guys have kids?


No, we don't.


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## Tigger (Dec 5, 2007)

happysnappy said:


> Other than not driving, this is my ex. Our marriage was short and miserable. He would even throw himself on the floor kicking and screaming when I went to work. Crying because I obviously didn't love him. I got out and haven't missed having an extra child for one second. No regrets. My life is peaceful and mostly drama free. Get rid of the dead weight.


Gee whiz, they should see a video of themselves having a tantrum.

He doesn't cry or have tantrums. He will sulk, pout, give me the silent treatment, refuse to eat and then complain about how he is starving.


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## Tigger (Dec 5, 2007)

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> Honestly, Tigger, have you considered going to make an appointment with a divorce attorney?
> 
> You WILL feel so much better once you talk to one and discover:
> 
> ...


I left my first marriage and it really was the best thing and did not ever regret it.

I have a good understanding of what the process is.

We have to be separated 1 year before filing.

I have property to sell and get myself sorted. I have to protect myself financially.

I feel good knowing I didn't wait 20 years to do this.


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## Tigger (Dec 5, 2007)

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> Sorry to hear this, Tigger.
> 
> My first thought was, 'Why didn't you just tell him, "Get the eff out of the car! GET OUT! I will see you when I get home."' then drive off and leave him at home.
> 
> It's what I would have done to my 15yo (without the F word), and he was acting like one!


lol you don't know how close I was to doing this!


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

Tigger said:


> lol you don't know how close I was to doing this!


It's gotta be hard. Your story sounded like my 12 yr old when I ask her to pick up the yard.


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## Shadow_Nirvana (Jan 1, 2013)

He sounds like a Nice Guy. While you obviously won't change your mind about divorcing him, give the book(No More Mr Nice Guy) to him as a divorce gift. Maybe that will wake him up and he'll get some help after all.

Look, I'm not trying to pull at your strings, but most guys like these have either been severely abused as a child, had to be the one who caretook a parent(usually the mom) and/or had no male role models. He literally hasn't grown up and he is still using the defense mechanisms that came in place to lessen the pain during infancy/childhood. He's probably unhappy at how life just isn't working out for him, but instead of looking at himself and changing his ways or asking for help, he'll try to keep doing the same thing over and over and over. I would even think that ,in his mind, he gives and gives in the relationship and never gets his share back.

Is he a loner? Does he have close male friends? Does he have any extroverted hobbies? I guess yes,no,no would be the answers?

While it's obviously better for a Nice Guy to start recovering while embraced by someone close, you obviously have had enough. So do him one act of forgiveness and at least force him to get some help. Maybe you'll help him break out of his chains of childhood.


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## Tigger (Dec 5, 2007)

Shadow_Nirvana said:


> He sounds like a Nice Guy. While you obviously won't change your mind about divorcing him, give the book(No More Mr Nice Guy) to him as a divorce gift. Maybe that will wake him up and he'll get some help after all.
> 
> Look, I'm not trying to pull at your strings, but most guys like these have either been severely abused as a child, had to be the one who caretook a parent(usually the mom) and/or had no male role models. He literally hasn't grown up and he is still using the defense mechanisms that came in place to lessen the pain during infancy/childhood. He's probably unhappy at how life just isn't working out for him, but instead of looking at himself and changing his ways or asking for help, he'll try to keep doing the same thing over and over and over. I would even think that ,in his mind, he gives and gives in the relationship and never gets his share back.
> 
> ...


Nice guys really aren't all that nice.

They are the sneakiest kind of abusers.

He has multiple opportunities to get therapy and it is all for free.

He refuses.

The way you present theses guys as abused loners is the reason so many of us get stuck with them. We try to help them. They just crap on us.

He may have had a bad child hood but that doesn't give him the right to abuse others.

Make no mistake, they control the relationship 100%. They make sure they get want they want and make sure you get nothing. It is how they operate.


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## Shadow_Nirvana (Jan 1, 2013)

Tigger said:


> Nice guys really aren't all that nice.
> 
> They are the sneakiest kind of abusers.
> 
> ...


I know that they are not nice. They are manipulative, comparmentalized, deceitful, resentful. But I also know that they get stuck in the rut they are in, because they seriously don't know any other way. They think they are giving and caring and everything should be perfect because they are "good and nice", but on the contrary they are emotional blackholes who smother the people around them and try to avoid conflict by shutting off. It is all part of toxic shame, even when they think they deserve good things, they go to extreme lengths to be unhappy and not get their needs met. They are terrible givers and receivers.

Look, I'm a recovering Nice Guy. Dad was physically abusive, Mom was emotionally abusive. They did a real tag team job. As a little kid I suffered through some kind of depression. I was the teenager who always thought "I'm such a nice guy, but girls want jerks." In my early twenties I dated 2 girls in my class who were diagnosed psychiatric patients. One told me I was like a girl and I was smothering her, then stopped answering my calls. Other cheated on me twice with her ex bf. See a pattern? Nobody is my Safe Person, that I can go to when dealing with my toxic shame(a part of the recovery process mentioned in the book) and it made things extremely hard. Btw I would still be stuck in the Nice Guy area, if it wasn't advised to me on this board to read that book. I got lucky and started dealing with my situation when I am 22.

I'm not trying to soften your heart with my warm stories. But he is what he is. And he doesn't see what's wrong. He probably won't see what's wrong for long years to come unless the vicious cycle is interrupted at some point.

Edit: Btw don't get me wrong, even with their transgressions my parents still were great parents. They just should have been more careful, I guess.


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## pink_lady (Dec 1, 2012)

But Shadow- she can't FORCE her husband to get help.

These men have to admit they have personality issues, seek out help _themselves_, and be highly motivated to change for anything positive to happen. Even then, from what I've read, it can take years of therapy.

I'm glad you started working on your problems at a young age, I'm sure that helped a lot. With men who are more set in their ways (my husband is 44 and has the same issues as Tigger's), I imagine it gets harder. 

I'm going to order NMMNG and give it to my H, though it will probably be when I'm on my way out the door.


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## Tigger (Dec 5, 2007)

Very true. He has to be motivated enough himself to change. He seems to be aware of his issues sometimes. It has been pointed out to him too. Even offered to make the appointment for him. He doesn't want to. Why would he when he gets what he wants without having to do anything to get it. These are deeply ingrained problems. I have to look out for my own well being at this point.


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## Shadow_Nirvana (Jan 1, 2013)

pink_lady said:


> But Shadow- she can't FORCE her husband to get help.


I'm not so sure about this tbh. There are some examples in the book where the wife shoves the husband to counseling out of frustration. There is one where the wife threatens to leave if he doesn't get counseling.(Of course there are more examples that the guy comes in himself.)

Female disapproval is the strongest motivator for a Nice Guy.


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## pink_lady (Dec 1, 2012)

In my case, even if I forced him to go (and paid for it as he does not work), I can't make him actually do the work or want to change, so what would be the point?

And also, I guess there's a limit to how much responsibility I'm willing to take for his life. I've got my OWN life to worry about (he sure the hell isn't worrying about it for me) and I'm not his mother. I don't want to be anyone's mother, never did.

I'll give him info, then it's up to him.


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## ravioli (Jan 23, 2013)

Tigger said:


> Nice guys really aren't all that nice.
> 
> They are the sneakiest kind of abusers.
> 
> ...


Your husband isn't a nice guy, he's a child and a weirdo. At some point you will have to take responsibility for choosing this man child. Many women get "stuck" with these type of men that you describe as your husband is because you were not able to discern good qualities in what a good man is. What causes you to attract a man with these qualities? These signs were there at the beginning but you probably ignored them.

You can't go around choosing flawed men then complain about how they are so flawed. No one should control the relationship 100%. The reason that he controls it is because you let him control it. You're giving him power and thus letting him run all over you. A person can only crap on you, if you let them crap on you.

Why would you try and help an abused guy by providing him sex and a relationship? Many men are in need of help. There are volunteer organizations that provides help to men with many problems who suffered through bad childhoods. If you are in the business of helping men, you should start with the yellow pages by providing your service. Giving them sex and "love" will not help the problem.


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## Tigger (Dec 5, 2007)

ravioli said:


> Your husband isn't a nice guy, he's a child and a weirdo. At some point you will have to take responsibility for choosing this man child. Many women get "stuck" with these type of men that you describe as your husband is because you were not able to discern good qualities in what a good man is. What causes you to attract a man with these qualities? These signs were there at the beginning but you probably ignored them.
> 
> You can't go around choosing flawed men then complain about how they are so flawed. No one should control the relationship 100%. The reason that he controls it is because you let him control it. You're giving him power and thus letting him run all over you. A person can only crap on you, if you let them crap on you.
> 
> Why would you try and help an abused guy by providing him sex and a relationship? Many men are in need of help. There are volunteer organizations that provides help to men with many problems who suffered through bad childhoods. If you are in the business of helping men, you should start with the yellow pages by providing your service. Giving them sex and "love" will not help the problem.


No thank you.
I won't allow you to push your attributional biases on me.


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## Tigger (Dec 5, 2007)

Just looked at the video of my special event and of course he deliberately messed that up too. 

There was a half hour of some guy's bald head and about 2 minutes of me along with him quickly zooming in and out shaking the camera around like an idiot.

Thank goodness there was a professional photographer there.


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