# How to heal



## wanting to heal (Nov 25, 2009)

I've been a visitor on this site for the past month (to the day), and feel like putting my story out for advice.

Basic details - I'm 36, married for 14 yrs, with 3 children
My wife is 2 1/2 years younger than me. Great marraige, with only small bumps in the road.

On Oct. 25, she opened up to me that she had an affair with my best friend 11-12 years ago (doesn't remember exact dates). I still see this guy (we aren't as close now as we used to be, and I see why) twice a week. Once she told me, she was completely honest with me, and I asked ALL the questions I could think of over the next two days. We literally spent 3 straight nights not sleeping, and talking about this. I truly do feel that I know everything there is on this. Her reasoning for not telling me was that she was so humiliated/embarrased, she just hid it, and tried to not remember it, but was feeling so guilty lately that we have a great relationship, she couldn't hide it any longer. No one else knows other than the 3 of us.

I know it's quick, but I already am feeling better some, but I am having trouble sleeping at night, and I just continually do not "feel well". 

As far as my relationship with my wife goes, we talk now more than ever, and are intimate still. I do completely trust her, and am not mad at her. I just can't get over this lack of sleep and not feeling well (which I know is related to the lack of sleep). 

Any thoughts/advice would be appreciated. I will forwarn you, that I'm getting ready to go out of town, with little email/internet access, so I might not be back on to read replies for a few days. Thanks.


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## frozensprouts (Aug 1, 2009)

I may be way off here, is it possible that you are still upset about the affair? Did you get chance to be "angry" with her? If not, maybe telling her that you are angry at her ( if , in fact, you are angry- maybe you aren't, I don't know) and allowing yourself the time to let that anger out would help you.

best of luck and I hope you feel better soon.


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## forwardtherapy (Nov 25, 2009)

What is keeping you awake at night?
Uncertainty?
Fear?
something else like... 'Confession Lag'?
Okay, 'Confession Lag' is when you spend 3 nights not sleeping and then try to sleep as usual. It's kind of like jet lag in that your circadian rhythms have been upset by staying up all the night when your body thinks it was going to be sleeping.

Some people find talking through things like Uncertainty and Fear diminishes their effect. Certainly being able to come up with a name for this monster/pest/bug is a great start. Call it anything that suits and then start talking about it.

Physically, you could also Google 'sleep hygiene' and you will get some good tips about getting your body back in sleep synch. It is confused! It was deprived of sleep for 3 nights!


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## Nekko (Oct 13, 2009)

Either what the OP said or you're repressing some feelings you think it's not proper to have ...on the lines of 'but we're so happy, i'd rather just move on and forget about it than be angry'. Except the feeling of anger doesn't go away, you're just pushing it in the back of your mind. Since that feeling is 'running in the background' it takes a toll on your body and your sleep.


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

wanting to heal said:


> I've been a visitor on this site for the past month (to the day), and feel like putting my story out for advice.
> 
> Basic details - I'm 36, married for 14 yrs, with 3 children
> My wife is 2 1/2 years younger than me. Great marraige, with only small bumps in the road.
> ...


It's good that your wife shared this with you, it shows true trust and a desire to become even closer and more intimate with you to a much deepr level than you are now, and her past betrayal is a "cancer" in her heart preventing her from achieving that.

Be careful about how you show your feelings that you supposedly "still trust her and am not mad at her", this is potentially LETHAL to the relationship!!!!

Still trust her??? Not mad at her??? Are you being honest with yourself??? I would bet my last dollar that that's the last thing your wife wants you to say or demonstrate. I say she WANTS you let loose "how you really feel" because at her soul she is devasted by her own behavior and wants you to SHOW her that she is worth getting angry and jealous over, and she is WORTH the grave risk she took admitting the affair and that she is WORTH forgiving and becoming even more intimate with. 

My advice? Let it all out. Confront her BOLDLY, tell her everything you would have told her if the affair had just happened yesterday, and confront your best friend too if you haven't already.

Bare your soul, be BRUTALLY honest with yourself and to your wife. And then with a clear head and clear conscience, if forgiveness is truly in your heart you can move forward with dignity and integrity.

Best of luck to you.


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## Victorianprude (Nov 30, 2009)

Heal

Based on sleppless nights and not feeling right the posters are correct you need to vent the feelings, decide next course of action.

Best of luck, know the sleepless nights.


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## wanting to heal (Nov 25, 2009)

Thanks for the feedback. I've really done more self-digging, but I just can't seem to find anger or bitterness. I've asked TONS of questions, and we talk about it often, detail by detail. I would think that going over details would cause me to "blow up", but it doesn't. 

Anyways, thanks again for the feedback.


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## Victorianprude (Nov 30, 2009)

Heal,

Perhaps you are already on the road to healing, its been a long time since affair.

So the sharpness of a today affair is not evident.

Be well my friend and good luck.


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## wanting to heal (Nov 25, 2009)

Victorianprude said:


> Heal,
> 
> Perhaps you are already on the road to healing, its been a long time since affair.
> 
> ...


Thanks.


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