# please help



## phantoms2010 (Oct 5, 2013)

my wife of 17 years is doing major damage to our marriage,she refuses to pay rent and has gotten us evicted twice now.i am fed up and stressed out,we have a 13 yr old daughter and she listens to her mom like she's god and can't understand my point of view due to her mother which is frustrating.my wife lies to me and will run up to the check the door for late payment notices or sends me to the store in order for me not to see these notices.i'm tired of being on an emotional roller coaster of not nowing where we will live.she expects someone to rent her a house with 2 eviction notices and bad credit!she takes all of my salary,i mean every single penny! I don't have any money to spend on my daughter if we ever go out,i have to ask for $5.in 17 years she has not saved at all and I am constantly worried about the future.she has taken my daughters college fund out and not told me,i love my daughter and am upset with the state of our relationship due to her mother badmouthing me all the time,i want her to have a good life but I can't handle all this stress because it's going to put me in the hospital soon.i don't know why she moves out of a decent place to live,which we should be lucky to have after 1st eviction notice,to have a uncertain future! this place paid for cable and water in rent so was a value! im afraid we will not ever have a decent place to live now and it's very stressful and im tired of her getting all of our money and not having a normal relationship where the other person gets us evicted and lies to me all the time.i want to be able to see my daughter because I love her but am afraid she will be vindictive and manipulate her into not wanting to see me.anyone have any advice or been in a similar situation?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Why do you let her control your family finances? Your paycheck comes to you, not her. Why do you keep movin into places that the two of you can't afford?

At some point, you have to take ownership for your role in the mismanagement of the family finances. Continuing to blindly hand over the money to her and expressing surprise and dismay when the next crisis comes along isn't solving anything. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Fleur de Cactus (Apr 6, 2013)

Do you both work? Why is she the one who has to send or write a check ? Next time be in charge .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## phantoms2010 (Oct 5, 2013)

I forgot to put that she is a total control freak and blows up at everything temper wise.we both do work and the problem isn't that we can't afford our rent,she just thinks she is above paying rent and bills.we both work at the same place and only have 1 car so $ is there to pay,she just won't.she has a computer @ work so she can go on anytime and get credit cards and not tell me about them.she has seen other people get themselves in this same situation and badmouths them and said they should know better(hypocrite).if I had control of money she would find it or take it without me knowing.how can you be in relationship with a person you can't trust?just doesn't work.last time we got evicted she physically fought with me over me having $10 to myself in front of my daughter! I couldn't fight back because she would have called police and made up a story and get my daughter to back her up,then im in jail.you are both right that I do need to take control of money,my dad has even offered to take our paychecks and pay bills and give us the rest but she would never agree to that I think.but if she did agree to that or me taking control I wonder if relationship could work out for my daughters sake,just don't know.thank you for responding!


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Dude,

You whole relationship sounds poisonous and toxic, not just the finances. And all you're doing by staying "for your daughter" is teaching your daughter what kind of marriage she should build later in life. Is this what you want for her? How old is she, anyway?

My advice, start getting individual counselling to work on yourself. Get healthy yourself, so you can make a decision about whether this relationship is or can be healthy, and go from there. The finances are just one aspect. The lack of respect and trust, the physical altercations, etc are all at least as big of issues to deal with.

C


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## phantoms2010 (Oct 5, 2013)

oh forgot to put she and my daughter are looking for a place now and I've made my mind up to not sign another lease I get burned on.i will give her money for child support and a little extra maybe.but I don't want to keep living like this and moving from place to place every year or two so im thinking about my own place and a separation or divorce and trying to be decent concerning joint custody of my daughter.whenever I accuse her of lying she starts yelling and saying she doesn't appreciate me calling her a liar even though I catch her red handed.there is something wrong there?i am so tired of being lied to,you should be able to be able to trust someone enough to pay bills or rent without having to treat them like a child,to have a normal marriage.wish I had one!never would have thought she'd take daughters college fund either without telling me but she is super sneaky and i'd have to watch her 24-7.


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## phantoms2010 (Oct 5, 2013)

pbear -good advice,she is 13 and your right about her seeing a marriage like this .should be about mutual respect.she gets my daughter to ask my parents $ out of savings account they set up for her later on for car,college ,etc because she needs it,sneaky huh?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Stop being the victim. You've taught her to treat you this way, and it's time to start changing that. You need to talk to a lawyer to find out what your rights and responsibilities are, both financially and with regards to your daughter. Do you have a place to live? You mentioned your father?

C


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## phantoms2010 (Oct 5, 2013)

yes -temporary til I get my own place,hopefully soon! they are looking around for place too and may want me to sign lease with them.i will not do that anymore but will give them $ to help but beyond that ,no.my dad has said he'd take both our checks and pay bills so $ to pay bills won't be around for her to spend or take.that would be a relief for me but don't know if she would agree to that.just comes down to how much she wants this marriage I guess.it's like she does all this deliberately to get out of marriage.


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## accept1 (Sep 23, 2013)

I understand where youre coming from. You have to make changes and thats not easy. You should have done it years ago but its not yet too late.

For a start does your wife want you or would she prefer a divorce.

If there is separation or divorce you cant force your daughter to visit you. The way you put it, it doesnt sound likely that your wife will encourage her.

You say you both work. Can your wife manage on her salary. 

You also say you have your father's support. How did he allow you to get into this mess. 

You seem to 'want' your wife at any cost and she most likely knows it. You have to start thinking it may be better to lose her. And I think you have also lost your daughter.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

When you see the attorney, get advice on child support, custody and visitation. This is how you take charge of your life. Educate yourself so you know where you stand, and you'll also find out where your wife stands. 

If you are separating, then your dad taking over the finances is moot. You will handle yours, she will handle hers.

YOU are going to have to think ahead. Once you come up with a child support figure (and the formulas are online so you can have an amount to pay even before you do legal paperwork)....only give her that much. Chances are she is always going to want MORE. 

She is going to screw up her bills and expect you to cover it...same as now. You have to get the child support agreement in writing. And when she gets evicted next time, and she will.... you allow daughter to stay with you. 

YOU have to show daughter what sane and responsible looks like. SOMEONE has to be a normal parent. 

Do your homework, figure out what to do. Knowledge is power!


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## phantoms2010 (Oct 5, 2013)

sunnyt -thank u for advice,went on a calculator to find out child support ballparks.i am also going to cover myself with payments in money orders so I won't get accused of not paying.i want to get child visitation rights in writing so I can see my daughter,asked her if she would have liked to come over and watch a movie or do anything but my wife said no,just a whole vindictive thing going on and on trying to hurt me more.i am so disgusted because she accuses me of mood swings but normal people with jobs should not get evicted when they have $ to pay bills.i have never met someone in my life that doesn't care about the future or setting their daughter up with a little savings account like they should be doing.her mom is in a nursing home and she never even goes to visit her because she says she won't know who she is but if that were my mom I would at least visit her.so I know I don't stand a chance in her heart,like she has 1!


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## Hopeless318 (Oct 7, 2013)

Have you tried dividing expenses and monies. So what that she's a control freak, you be one too, it's your money and home also! Assuming you love your wife and want to be married you could take on some of the financial responsibilities, starting with rent. Get two accounts, one with only your name and one with only hers. You're married so I don't think it really matters who's name is on the lease but if it does then only you sign it. In fact, why not get one first and then have them come with you? It sounds like you have given this women total control even though she isn't capable of handling it. I agree with PBear, stop being the victim, you have the means to work through this particular issue. Oh and if your daughter is showing signs of favoritism, don't give her any reason to dislike you more. You're the grownup, life isn't fair but if you act like a grown up and be reasonable your child will see the light eventually.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Two evictions = you suck at finances. Take the control away, do it for your daughter.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

One, read No More Mr Nice Guy. This week!

Two, go to the bank and set it up so that YOU control the finances. Don't tell her, just do it.


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## phantoms2010 (Oct 5, 2013)

the story just gets worse.my wife just got laid off work and has my daughter with her @ motel to stay.i gave her my check last week and with her check made close to $700 and she received her check this week making her have close to $1,000 and she has my daughter call and want more $ from me when I am trying to save my check this week so I can get on my feet again and start saving some $ for my daughter later on,should I give her more $ or say she has enough.i plan on giving her child support just don't think she should ask for more money when I gave her nearly 370 already this month,any advice?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Open a bank account in your name only. Have your pay go to that account. Your wife will not be able to access your money.

What state do you live in? I’m asking because it’s good to know this so that advice can be given that fits your state laws.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

accept1 said:


> If there is separation or divorce you cant force your daughter to visit you. The way you put it, it doesnt sound likely that your wife will encourage her.


this is wrong.

When the court puts in place a custody and visitation order, the child has to go where the order says that the child has to go. 

Then he can get him and his daughter into family counseling and see if the relationship can be repaired.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

phantoms2010 said:


> the story just gets worse.my wife just got laid off work and has my daughter with her @ motel to stay.


You are in an apartment or house, right? You cannot afford to pay for your wife and child to live in a motel. Tell your wife that she is welcome to move home. Tell your daughter that she has to come home and live at the family home. 
What kind of motel is this? Is it one of those cheap places that people rent by the week or month? If so it’s not a safe place for a 13 year old girl.



phantoms2010 said:


> i gave her my check last week and with her check made close to $700 and she received her check this week making her have close to $1,000


Stop giving her money. You are not obligated to give her any money at this time. You have an apartment/home with food right? So you have already provided a safe place for your wife and child. You cannot help that your wife left. You can see an attorney about getting your daughter moved back in with you.


phantoms2010 said:


> and she has my daughter call and want more $ from me when I am trying to save my check this week so I can get on my feet again and start saving some $ for my daughter later on,


Why do you go along with a child being the errand girl for asking you for money? If your wife wants money she can call you. When your daughter calls for money just tell her that if her mother wants money, her mother needs to come home with her. You cannot afford to support them living in a motel. This is ridiculous. You need to tell your daughter how ridiculous this is.


phantoms2010 said:


> should I give her more $ or say she has enough. I plan on giving her child support just don't think she should ask for more money when I gave her nearly 370 already this month, any advice?


Do not give your wife any money. Not a cent. Do not give child support until you have a court order saying that you have to give her child support. Right now you are still married. Your wife needs to come home with your child.

You need to open a bank account in your name only. You control family finances from here on out.

Your wife needs to start job hunting on Monday.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Oh, and get a VAR (voice activated recorder). Keep it on yourself at all times when you are around your wife.

If she starts to argue, refuse to argue and walk away. If she starts to beat on you just keep calmly asking her to stop. Get her violence on the recording and call the police.

They will arrest her if you have the evidence that you are the victim.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

do not negotiate with her. Tell her she's welcome to come back home. Tell her you're going to a lawyer to ensure that your daughter comes back home.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Are you freaking 12!!! Seriously! Grow up and take responsibility for yourself. Do Not give her your check. Get your self settled. Give reasonable support for your daughter, or better yet, have your daughter stay with you. What you can't do is let yourself be bullied by your wife.


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## rdl3 (Oct 7, 2013)

I think that this is something that you need to handle right away. This is harming your health, your relationship with your daughter, you credibility and of course your marriage. If you feel that your wife cannot see your perspective then you should consider therapy. If you feel your wife would not be cooperative in therapy then it could be helpful if you go alone.


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## WalterWhite (Sep 14, 2012)

Phantom,

You married a horrible person. And although she is about as worse as one can get, you have some blame too. A person like your wife cannot do what she does unless you have long ago conditioned her to do what she does. You have "taught" her to disrespect you and the family. You seem to play the victim too much. Man up, and flush that Puna-Theta out of your financial life. I realize you have a daughter, so you still have to deal with mom, but man, you cannot be married to such a Pen-Deja any longer, or she will destroy you from the inside out.


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## Wild Mustang (Oct 26, 2013)

You need your own separate bank account with your paycheck electronically deposited, if possible.

You can change your mailing address to a post office box for all bills to go to. Then *you* can pay the bills and start becoming responsible.

Consider canceling all credit cards with both names on the account. Then open an account in your name only.

An attorney can inform you about notifying all creditors that you refuse to be responsible for your wife's future debts. 

You must step up to the plate and do the right thing by your daughter. Are her college funds in a separate custodial account? If so, you/your wife may have to account to someone someday as to where that money went.


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## Navy3 (Apr 27, 2012)

hi, this is financial abuse. I've had yrs of it in my marriage. she sounds v domineering.

I opened a sole bank account& sole saving account. I was surfing about debt - repeat cycles. I came across the word "enabling" . when you keep giving her money you are enabling the whole thing to go round& round. 

this is hard with a young daughter but you need to put some boundaries in. you will be tested by her so think before you threaten, you must follow through with "the consequences".

things will only change when you hit your "bottom", she isn't going to change - why should she? it suits her v well the way things are. get your name OFF any joint credit cards asap.


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