# Would you continue dating someone broke?



## stillcoping (Oct 14, 2012)

I met a wonderful and kind hearted guy last autumn when I was 4 months pregnant and we have been together for 10 months now. The father of my baby bailed on me and pretty much left me on my own so I was in my lowest when I met my now boyfriend. He has 2 kids (3 and 5, shared custody) from a previous relationship that lasted 10 years. He caught her cheating on him so to cut the long story short, she moved out and he was left with the house. The ex liked to spend and shop and was not so smart about finances. They took loans together in the past which she is now been refusing to pay. I dont even understand much what was the loan about but suffice to say he is in big debt because of it. He also built a business about 2 years ago and invested all his savings in it which has been up and down since. Sometimes he has customers, sometimes he doesn't so his income pretty much relies on whether or not he gets a call from a customer that needs his service that day. He used to have a high paying job in that same field in the past but he said he hates a 9 to 5 job so much, therefore he quit and built his own company but then it takes time to gain customers and when he has no customers, it bothers and worries me alot and I know it makes him sad too. He was talking about applying for welfare to help pay his mortgage or selling his house in case he goes completely bankrupt. 

It's been pretty depressing to me cuz I am the type who likes to save and always been mindful about the future since I grew up poor and do not wish to live in scarcity again. Now that I have a 5 month old daughter of my own, I feel like I owe it to her to give her the best possible future. I am not looking for someone filthy rich, just someone with a steady job/income. We do not live together yet but have plans to buy a house together in 2 to 3 years and even began talking about the future together and the possibility of marrying one day. We both dont want any more kids.

Now I am beginning to really doubt my choice if still wanna continue so a few days ago, I asked him to give me some time and space to think about things and he was obviously very confused and hurt and been bugging me to meet him and talk it out but I don't wanna hurt him more by saying it has something to do with his financial situation. Tell me, am I asking too much for wanting a better future for my baby? It just sucks that I finally met a wonderful man who loves and accepts me and my baby but then I also have to be realistic and think about her future at the same time. Should I continue or just move on? So confused and helpless. 

Thanks in advance.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Don't you think a guy who would date a woman 4 months pregnant by another guy might deserve the chance to get his act together?


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## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

wow...just wow!!! yes leave him now he deserves a much better woman than you....again wow.


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## EnigmaGirl (Feb 7, 2015)

Its very smart to be thinking about this now before you get too far in with this guy. 

I think the decision is really based on being really honest with yourself and figuring out what you want and whether you believe that long-term you can achieve that with this person.

Also, do you think his financial condition is truly temporary or is this how he lives his life? Is he someone with whom you can work on mutual financial goals together?

If you feel that he's a long-term financial liability, my advice is to enjoy the relationship...he sounds like a nice guy but not to make any serious commitment with him. I'd be honest with him about that.

If you feel that he's someone you can work with and commit to....first you need to make sure you understand the whole picture. I'd ask to exchange financial information including financial statements, credit scores, liability information. Once you get that picture, you can put together a plan. How are you going to work either alone or together to get the debt paid off...what are your shared financial goals moving forward.

There really are people who are down and move up financially and there are some that never seem to get their s*** together. 

Financial security is extremely important to some people (I'm one of them) so there's no way I'd get involved with anyone who's a financial liability or who I'd have to support in any way. But you should never discount a kind person who's a hard-worker and is interested in making a better life. If he's working his butt off to improve his situation and you have faith he can do it, I think you should give him a chance.

I wouldn't marry him or co-hab until he fixes his problems though. You don't want to take the risk of taking on any of his debt or having to support him when you have children to support.


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## stillcoping (Oct 14, 2012)

I am asking for a genuine advice. Not some judgemental smart ass crap. Like I have said, I am NOT looking for someone rich. Just someone with steady income to make ends meet. I have been very encouraging of him and supportive when customers are being slow that I always try to cheer him up in my own little way. Yes, that includes buying him gifts, clothes and even groceries/foods for him and his kids! I also pay most of the times when we have a date or eat out cuz I was very understanding of his current situation so please spare me your judgement.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## stillcoping (Oct 14, 2012)

Thanks Enigma. Yes he is a hardworker and thats one of the reasons why I am being patient of his situation, hoping and praying this is just temporary. Plus the fact that I may not be able to find someone wonderful again if I break it off and date around.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

its not smart ass crap...he does deserve better than you!!! really wow i should kick my wife to the curb because i make 75% more money than her and when she lost her job a few years ago i had to pay for everything. seriously leave him it would be the best thing you could do for him and his kids.

think about it say you started dating a guy and then you hit hard times and he then said ohhh sorry you dont make enough money for me bye bye.....again wow.

but it is your life i wont comment here again.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

I would continue if everything else is fine, but wouldn't move in with someone with serious debt issues until I see that there is a long-term effort to decrease debt and manage spending habits.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

You have a right to have standards and expectations concerning the person you are in a relationship with. If financial security is important to you, it just is. It is better to recognize it now than to move in with or marry him blindly hoping it will get better.

It seems as if the choices he has made and some setbacks have landed him in a spot that it will likely take a lot of time to recover from. Just the fact that he is close to applying for welfare shows things are quite dire. Being honest with yourself and him that it is an issue for you is the best way to deal with it. It might hurt his feelings but, honesty is the best policy.

I would not consider having a long term relationship with someone that has the financial burdens, and problems that you are describing. I am very financially responsible and always have been. So I would have a very hard time not judging and pushing the other person to work more to dig out of the situation. That is a recipe for disaster. Money is the source of so much couple stress and fighting, if you can avoid that from the start you should.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Every chick I have dated was broke. Or at least acted like it.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

SC, I think your answer really lies with what you feel his intentions/work priorities are. I saw a red flag with him not wanting a 9-5, but I also understand it's hard to maintain a 9-5 while trying to grow a business. I don't think you're unreasonable in wanting financial stability in your life or not wanting to take on mounds of debt if you marry. From what I'm reading, some see this issue differently. You are clearly not a gold digger, but sound to me just like an intelligent young woman.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

kristin2349 said:


> I would not consider having a long term relationship with someone that has the financial burdens, and problems that you are describing. I am very financially responsible and always have been.


This describes me as well. (Medical bills may be the only exception to this rule).


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## T&T (Nov 16, 2012)

His business is two years old, so it should be well started. Not established, but started...

What kind of annual revenues is he doing?

What does he do?

How much experience does he have in the field?

As a partner, only some can handle the ups and downs of being in business for yourself. You need to think long and hard about that because owning a business comes with serious risks. The risks are always there and they never go away. It also can be extremely stressful, at times. 

Working 9 to 5 isn't for everyone but it does have it benefits. It also carries risks too. Layoff, etc.


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## scatty (Mar 15, 2013)

It's obviously not a question about this man's character. He sounds like a gem!

It depends how poor he is. Does he live at a homeless shelter? Does he have a car? Is he eating ramen every night? 

We live paycheck to paycheck, and it sucks. It would suck more to live a good life with a lesser man. You can have both, but know what you are risking, no matter what path you take. I wish you luck and peace!


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

Given that money is in the top three things that married couples fight about, I think this is a smart question. 

My experience is don't make commitments based on promises. Apparently he has some good traits or you wouldn't be with him at all. But I would wait to live with him and get married to him until he is more financially stable. He may not like that. But you are right, you do have a primary commitment to your daughter and if you believe his needs will be interfering with your ability to provide for your daughter, you are better off not becoming a family. 

So if you like him, you can continue to date him until he gets his financial ducks in a row. If you are on the fence, the cut him loose.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

stillcoping said:


> I am asking for a genuine advice. Not some judgemental smart ass crap. Like I have said, I am NOT looking for someone rich. Just someone with steady income to make ends meet. I have been very encouraging of him and supportive when customers are being slow that I always try to cheer him up in my own little way. Yes, that includes buying him gifts, clothes and even groceries/foods for him and his kids! I also pay most of the times when we have a date or eat out cuz I was very understanding of his current situation so please spare me your judgement.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I agree some comments have been mostly knee-jerk projections. Here's the thing, this is why dating for a few years is always smart. If you really like him then give it a little time. Of course you should also pay attention how he manages financial decisions. We really should all do that.


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## T&T (Nov 16, 2012)

stillcoping said:


> Sometimes he has customers, sometimes he doesn't so his income pretty much relies on whether or not he gets a call from a customer that needs his service that day.


Can you clarify this please? What is he doing when he's not busy working? I hope he's out there every day trying to get new customers or visiting existing clients. If not, he will fail. 



> He was talking about applying for welfare to help pay his mortgage or selling his house in case he goes completely bankrupt.


In order to get welfare he would have to bankrupt the business. At least, where I live.


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

I'd take some time on making any life changing decision. You sound kind of all over the map. He's considering going on welfare to pay his mortgage but the two of you are talking about buying a home together in a couple years? What are his plans if his business fails? He sounds like an entrepreneur which comes with risks. Are you willing to have you and your child share in those risks? 
Both my first wife and I had lean times when we were first married. Many couples do. We persevered and made good raising three kids over 35 years. But in those first lean years we didn't have kids. Kids bring obligations and can limit options for both you and him. Take some time.


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## stillcoping (Oct 14, 2012)

It means just that. He has a work only when they call. No call, no work. And if he has no calls, he would stay in the bed and sleep until 1pm. It used to bother me but when theres a job, he's always up early and active. I already told him to be more agressive in finding prospects (his company is about refrigeration) but he said in his field, it does not work that way. You cannot bug people on the phone about your service or "steal" other company's customers. He said it is unenthical. 

We live in northern Europe where there is a good welfare system but it still demoralizes me to think that my future partner in life is too broke and might end up relying on that. He is pretty serious about me and have told me many times he wants to build a life with me since his kids and family have grown attached with me. He also quit his 9 to 5 job to be able to spend more time with his children when he has no work. He is a great dad, no doubt about it, spoils them even if he has financial burdens and that is one of the things that drives me nuts. I bought him groceries cuz I wanted him to help him save and be frugal even if these are his kids so when I see him spending money on them on weekends in fairs and restaurants, I feel like my sacrifices are useless.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## T&T (Nov 16, 2012)

stillcoping said:


> It means just that. He has a work only when they call. No call, no work. And if he has no calls, he would stay in the bed and sleep until 1pm. It used to bother me but when theres a job, he's always up early and active. I already told him to be more agressive in finding prospects (his company is about refrigeration) but he said in his field, it does not work that way. You cannot bug people on the phone about your service or "steal" other company's customers. *He said it is unenthical.*


Bullsh!t. You mean it's unethical to promote your company, skills and hopefully cheaper prices, due to low overhead? Bullsh!t!

It's dog eat dog and he's already set himself up for failure. 

The first year I owned my first business I was working 90-100 hours a week. He will fail. If I didn't have enough work I spent my time trying to find more. Lay in bed? Not a chance.

You need to have a serious talk about this.

ETA: What the hell is wrong with dropping by a customer to say hi? Answer-Nothing


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

I don't know about where you live but I don't know of any businesses that succeed waiting for customers to call. You have to get out and market and work to find new customers. That's a red flag to me. But maybe that is just an American capitalist perspective.


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## EnigmaGirl (Feb 7, 2015)

> its not smart ass crap...he does deserve better than you!!! really wow i should kick my wife to the curb because i make 75% more money than her and when she lost her job a few years ago i had to pay for everything. seriously leave him it would be the best thing you could do for him and his kids.


This is a woman with children to support....it would be completely irresponsible to get involved with someone that you already know has debt from previous relationships. We're not talking about life situations that happen during their relationship...this debt was previous to her and she may be taking it on and burdening her existing family with it. 

I wish more people would consider the financial state and the financial morality of the people they're getting seriously involved with. This OP is doing exactly the right thing in asking this question. I commend her.



> No call, no work. And if he has no calls, he would stay in the bed and sleep until 1pm.


Ok...this is a red flag to me. 

Look, he's got financial issues...so he has an obligation to get himself out of it in a concrete manner. If work isn't coming to him regularly in his current job...then he needs to go out and get a second job or go to back to get skills training/education. Sleeping until 1pm when you're broke...not cool...especially when he's talking about welfare.

This wouldn't sit well with me. Able-bodied young men shouldn't be on social assistance.

What you're looking for here is a go-getter....someone who is going to work themselves out of a tough situation with you when you have a problem in your relationship. I'd be worried about his lack of motivation.


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## T&T (Nov 16, 2012)

Maneo said:


> I don't know about where you live but I don't know of any businesses that succeed waiting for customers to call. You have to get out and market and work to find new customers. That's a red flag to me. But maybe that is just an American capitalist perspective.


Capitalism is worldwide for business owners. 

It's only governments that are socialist.

It's a GIANT red flag. He's sitting around waiting for customers to come to him. Failure, plain and simple. Or, poverty at best.


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## stillcoping (Oct 14, 2012)

He does promote his company in his own ways dont get me wrong. He does what he can, just not to the point of pestering them.
He has advertisements popping out in the tv monitors of some sport store. He has an fb page about his company and recently had a raffle promo for concert tickets so more people will share abd spread his page. Paid someone to make a professional looking website for his company and I applaud him for all his efforts but still feel kinda sorry for him knowing that his income relies on amount of calls he gets. I couldn't remove the nagging feeling that it may really take a long for his company to really take off like he said and be completely debt free. And by that time I will be in late 30s and may be too old to find someone new/more stable or start dating again if in case I get tired of waiting for him to sort his life out. He said if business fails, his last option is to go back working 9 to 5 even if he abhors it so much. But then he will still have a lot of debts to pay from the company and loans with his ex live in partner. And the thought really bothers me to the point that I am starting to lose physical and sexual attraction towards him. And I really hate feeling like this cuz he was there for me when I was pregnant and struggling all alone. Loving and helping me in many ways.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## T&T (Nov 16, 2012)

I still think sleeping in until 1pm is unacceptable on days off, but you didn't paint a clear picture of what he's doing earlier in the thread.

Look, some people can handle this lifestyle and some can't. You have to realize, if you married, whether you're involved in the business or not, you're both on the hook for it. Meaning, you'd better get involved because if it fails you will be broke too...That, or don't move in or get married for quite some time.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
there is nothing wrong with considering money in a relationship - it has a major impact on your life. You just need to balance it against everything else. Certainly someone being a good guy has a huge impact on how happy you are.

I don't think anyone can help you much - only you know how much different things matter to YOU.

No one should have called you selfish or anything like that. It is a perfectly fair question - just one that is difficult for anyone else to answer. 

My thought: If he makes you happy, then stay - that is worth more than any amount of money.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Sleeping time 1pm. Refusing to network for clients. Ineffectual passive advertising. 

Running a sole business whether he likes it or not is 75% sales. No customers, no profit.

He's a bum... A nice bum but a bum. He will fail with his socialist attitude guaranteed. 

Tell him he either gets a 9 to 5 or you walk. You want financial security so it is what it is. 

I think your mentality is cold but I also don't think you should have to buy him groceries either.

Just be honest and tell him you want stability and if he can't provide it then it not going to work out.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Do you get child support?

Do you have a job?

What percentage of your joint income do you earn?


Has he looked at the possibility of going bankrupt? Does that exist where you live?


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

How in the world will he buy a house WITH you when he's in debt up to his eyeballs??

More likely, YOU will buy the house and he will freeload.

Time to toss this one back.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Financial compatibility is just as important in a relationship as any other issue, if you two are at odds now then it will only worsen down the road. There is no reason for him not to be working full time, I have been involved in two business start ups and ALWAYS worked a second job for the steady income and benefits. If he is not willing to go the extra mile to get out of debt then he will always struggle. Starting a business is never as easy as putting a sign on your truck and waiting for the phone to ring, he needs to be hustling every day. 

I'm not sure why anyone is blasting you for worrying about this, the beginnings of relationships are all about learning about each other, and that takes time. You have been with this guy long enough to start seeing the real person, you see how he lives his life. If the way he lives isn't the way you live then it's time to face reality and move along. There's no crime in wanting a better life as long as you're willing to do you fare share.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Cooper said:


> *Financial compatibility is just as important in a relationship as any other issue, if you two are at odds now then it will only worsen down the road. There is no reason for him not to be working full time, I have been involved in two business start ups and ALWAYS worked a second job for the steady income and benefits. If he is not willing to go the extra mile to get out of debt then he will always struggle. Starting a business is never as easy as putting a sign on your truck and waiting for the phone to ring, he needs to be hustling every day*.


I so agree with this.. Myself & husband started out with what many would call ..."on the poor side".... he worked in a Grocery Store, he did move up to the Manager of a Dept but still this was not considered much... dating him for years.. I knew his work ethic was impeccable, that no matter what happened..if he lost his job & needed another... he'd shovel Sh** if he had to .. to keep food on the table & pay the bills.. and really I had the same mindset... so we were on the same page.. 

One thing we never fought about was money...we were both "savers".. even on a lower income.. we managed to save thousands for a down payment on a house.. we've never taken out a loan in our marriage except for our mortgage. 

When I look at how much money someone makes.. I assess not so much on THIS...but on some other factors to give a clearer picture....how do they handle their money.. do they waste it, then complain they are always broke...do they buy expensive cars they can't afford.. what is their credit like? 

Then you asses their Work Ethic.. . if they turn their nose at a lower paying job.. but bills are piling up.. ...this would be a waving red flag ...When you are down & out.. you take what you can to get you out of that hole.. there really is no excuse. Lots of people fall on hard times.. it's then when you see what they are made of.. 

His sleeping in every day, turning his nose at 9-5 jobs..having such a nonchalant attitude about his business with customers falling off like flies... not stepping up, getting more creative, advertising / networking , doing a website to bring more business to his door.. getting a job on the side ....all














's...to a very *lacking work ethic*..


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Hmm, I am buying a home that I can afford on my own. My name is going to be the only one on the mortgage. If me and my gf ever move in together, she will be responsible for paying half of utilities. If things do not work out with her, then I would not care about losing a roomie.

If she does move in, I would advise her to save money if things do not work out.

I learned that lesson the hard way when my fiance cheated on me and since the apartment was in her name, I was the one who had to find a place fast, and ended up staying with my cousins. Damn, was that awkward.

So, whether you stay with him or not, be sure that you can support yourself if his life never gets together and protect yourself against his debt.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

I think you are being smart. You've made bad decisions in the past and now have to start making good ones. The purpose of dating should be to evaluate future mates. You get to choose what is important to you, and if a man does not meet those criteria you should move on until you find one that does. You can and should be honest and direct with him as to why you are making your decision.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

From Simply Amourous:



> His sleeping in every day, turning his nose at 9-5 jobs..having such a nonchalant attitude about his business with customers falling off like flies... not stepping up, getting more creative, advertising / networking , doing a website to bring more business to his door.. getting a job on the side ....all 's...to a very lacking work ethic..


You should judge him by the above. Also, hopefully, he is not pooh-poohing the 9-5 drive to everyone he meets. He may one day want to get on someone's payroll again. And in my experience having worked on contract, interviewers are suspicious of people who worked for themselves and then are looking for a permanent position.

If he puts down the 9-5 work style while networking, people will remember this and not tip him off to other openings. And sometimes this kind of information about job applicants gets to the hiring manager.


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## T1215 (May 27, 2015)

I am a professional and very financially conservative . I married a guy who went from job to job, had no savings, and was in credit card debt. However, At the time I decided his good qualities outweighed the bad. After we had kids he became a stay at home dad, and now we have huge marriage issues based on his poor decisions (poor decisions financially = poor decisions in life). If I could do it over, I would have definitely looked for a guy with his head on his shoulders financially speaking, not for money, but for everything else that goes with someone who is reasonable with finances/life/etc.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

Continue to date him and see if his financial situation gets better. Do not buy a house with him even is his financial situation gets better. Get married first and then buy a house or don't get married and he or you buy the house on your own and then live together.


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## scatty (Mar 15, 2013)

I would not be with a man who went on welfare instead of trying to find ANY JOB to avoid that. Unless he is disabled, he could downgrade his life and work every damn day like I wish both me and my man were able to.


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## Row Jimmy (Apr 15, 2013)

The telling thing for me is you said you are already starting to lose attraction for him because of this. 

I would not move in together until he proves that he can pay his own way but I would continue to date him if you love him enough and think it might one day improve. His business doesn't sound like much of a business and his sleeping in until 1 and talk of getting welfare instead of finding a real job makes him a loser in my eyes. Welfare should be for those people that can't work or are in emergency situations, not for those who simply choose not to work because they are lazy or find daily 9-5 work annoying.


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