# Is it possible for men to change for the better after divorce?



## LovingHearts (Sep 3, 2012)

I have written in a couple other threads about the demise of my marriage. Here is a recap:

Husband and I are mid-30s with 2 children (5 yo daughter and 18 month son). He previously worked in IT, but lost his job due to tardiness a couple years ago when I was in a full-time masters program and pregnant. His excuse was that our then 2 year old was "difficult" to get ready for daycare and get to work on time. Considering he didn't have to be at work until 9:30, that was no excuse to me. Anyway, he was unemployed for 8 months, but found contract work. I then graduated and found a high paying job with which I could support the family for a few months with him staying home with our son at the time (he was only 6 months old and we wanted to wait until he was a year to put him in chlidcare if possible). He turned a year old in April and at that time, I quit my first job due to it being way too many hours and stress. I started another job, but took a huge pay cut. My husband was to start looking for jobs, but chose instead to focus on "fantasy baseball" and other nonsense. We do not have a marriage anymore. There is no intimacy, nothing, so he chose to focus his energy in something else. I get it. But he's not supporting his family. He is a "stay at home dad" yet I do everything like grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, and giving baths in addition to working.To this day, he has not finished his resume to find a job. He is focused on playing fantasy sports.

We have discussed divorce and he knows it's coming. He thinks I'm out for blood, but I believe he thinks that because he, himself, is highly passive aggressive. I don't have a passive aggressive bone in my body. What you see is what you get. So he's projecting on me. He thinks I want to "steal the kids" from him. I tried to talk to him the other day about how I want him to be a huge part of their lives and I think he softened a bit. I asked him if he would try to do this amicably and he said yes.

Here's the deal: I work 4-10 hour shifts, 7a-5p. I was hoping he'd agree to getting them off to school/daycare in the mornings once we separate. I believe he'll be a better father once we're apart. We are genuinely miserable living with each other. My attorney said "There's no way he's going to step up and get to your place early enough to watch them in the morning without making you late. He showed in the past he couldn't get to work on time." I am assuming she's right. I was just hoping he'd like to be the one to get them off to school a couple days a week at least so he could spend more time with them as we both agree it's better for them to be with me most evenings. Maybe I'm just overly optimistic.

Overall, when we do divorce, is it likely he'll step up and take responsibility as he should? Or will I still end up doing it all? Obviously you all don't know him, but I tried to give you an idea of what's going on.

Thanks in advance.


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

A chance, but a very very tiny slim chance, but if the threat of d hasn't motivated him, I doubt the actual d will.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

He hasn't hit bottom yet. Besides fantasy baseball, he probably is a Internet porn addict.

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## wtf2012 (Oct 22, 2012)

LovingHearts said:


> I have written in a couple other threads about the demise of my marriage. Here is a recap:
> 
> Husband and I are mid-30s with 2 children (5 yo daughter and 18 month son). He previously worked in IT, but lost his job due to tardiness a couple years ago when I was in a full-time masters program and pregnant. His excuse was that our then 2 year old was "difficult" to get ready for daycare and get to work on time. Considering he didn't have to be at work until 9:30, that was no excuse to me. Anyway, he was unemployed for 8 months, but found contract work. I then graduated and found a high paying job with which I could support the family for a few months with him staying home with our son at the time (he was only 6 months old and we wanted to wait until he was a year to put him in chlidcare if possible). He turned a year old in April and at that time, I quit my first job due to it being way too many hours and stress. I started another job, but took a huge pay cut. My husband was to start looking for jobs, but chose instead to focus on "fantasy baseball" and other nonsense. We do not have a marriage anymore. There is no intimacy, nothing, so he chose to focus his energy in something else. I get it. But he's not supporting his family. He is a "stay at home dad" yet I do everything like grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, and giving baths in addition to working.To this day, he has not finished his resume to find a job. He is focused on playing fantasy sports.
> 
> ...


I just wanted to point that as the breadwinner, you are assuming (or hoping) that the kids will stay with you and he will come over in the am and pm and be the nanny so you can work. 

I get that he hasn't been around much. I get that he isn't much of a father in your opinion.

But something for you to think about it. If it were reversed and you were a man and your husband was a women. You would be hoping to get them on your 3 days off. Your husband would be planning to claim the virtues of a being a stay at home parent to the judge. He would be saying how can she take care of them when she has to work such an odd shift. etc

Now depending where you live, the courts may truly be gender neutral. 

If you husband truly is worried about not getting what he thinks is fair or best for your kids, he will get attorney that will tell him to step the f#ck up. I can tell you, while I was probably a much more involved parent than your husband, I am became super dad once the threat of not seeing my kids except for every other weekend was apparent. If your husband considers himself to be a parent, you filing will be a swift kick in the rear. 

What you need to do is document what you do as the bread winner and child care just in case it goes to court. You need to do this starting yesterday. 

Are you planning on 50/50 coparenting time?


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

I think you have an overly optimistic view of divorce.

He will have zero obligation to assist, or help make your lifestyle work by coming over in the morning to watch the kids.

As someone else pointed out, if he gets an attorney that is any good, it is likely you will be paying him support.

Or if/once he gets a job to support himself, he isnt going to be available to assist you.

There is a fundamental truth to divorce that doesnt get talked about much. Overall, the partner that is most on the ball is also the partner that generally gets most screwed over.

I think it unlikely that he will change in a manner that works to your benefit.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

My ex h was not working nor helping with the baby or house chores. I have no idea what he did with his time while I supported him and the child. I was the one bringing the baby to daycare, coming home and doing the rest. He'd leave with my car once I was home. I did later find out he was going on "dates" with other women. I did leave once I had solid proof of cheating. I filed for divorce. Since my ex was unemployed, he used my lawyer and I set the terms, they were more then fair. I did not have to pay alimony and he took on his own massive credit card debt.(he had a spending addiction) I took custody of the child since he was a very poor example for a father(I won't go into details). I asked for $200 flat a mo for child support. I know it wasn't much, but I really wanted out. I was tired of the abuse as well. My exh did ended up having one of his gf's move in 3 days after I left to support him. He eventually got a job due to CS threatening to take his drivers license away due to unpaid support a couple years later.

It is so hard to predict the future. My exes behavior worsened over the years. I did not care about him at all, nor did I ever wonder if he'd be able to make it on his own. I did hear the threats from him and the threats wanted me to push things along faster. The day I left was one of the best days of my life! It was a HUGE weight that lifted off of my shoulders and I felt free. Life only improved as time went on. I did remarry 6 years later and we've been married 14 years now. 

Good luck. I'd be furious with fantasy football while unemployed. Your h has his priorities mixed up. People normally don't change who they are unless they see they are the problem.


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## LovingHearts (Sep 3, 2012)

Deejo said:


> I think you have an overly optimistic view of divorce.
> 
> He will have zero obligation to assist, or help make your lifestyle work by coming over in the morning to watch the kids.
> 
> ...


Yes, I guess I am overly optimistic. I was not hoping that he would "assist" me; more so hoping that he would like to see his kids as much as possible. I can likely change my work schedule to five 8's if needed, and it may be what I need to do. I can also hire someone to watch them in the morning if I don't want to take them to childcare early.

I was more talking about him watching the kids if he already has a job that starts later in the morning.

In any event, I see it wasn't a great idea. I don't think I thought it through.

With these kids being younger, I was hoping that they would stay with me more during the week because of scheduling. But I do want him to be a big part of their lives. 50/50? I'm not sure if that's exactly how it would work out. But I want what's best for them, which would be to see their dad as much as possible. Again, likely too optimistic. But that's how I see life.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Here is what I can tell you unequivocally about divorce, and I have a good one in the scheme of things; nobody gets everything they want.

If your partner wasnt a very good husband and father prior to divorce, its long odds that he'll step up after the fact.


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## LovingHearts (Sep 3, 2012)

Deejo said:


> Here is what I can tell you unequivocally about divorce, and I have a good one in the scheme of things; nobody gets everything they want.
> 
> If your partner wasnt a very good husband and father prior to divorce, its long odds that he'll step up after the fact.


Thanks so much for your input.

We have recently discussed divorce and he feels hurt by the fact that I want one. But I cannot understand why. The other day when I came home from work I asked if he could take the kids outside while I made dinner. It was only half an hour or so and I wanted them to get some fresh air. He said, "Why can't you ever take them outside?" I said, "Why can't you make dinner?" To that, he rolled his eyes and said, "I do everything around here."

I'm not sure how he sees that he does "everything." What he does is stay home, take our daughter to kindergarten, watch our son during the day, play tons of fantasy sports online, sometimes empty and load the dishwasher, and clean up after meals. I make all dinners unless we go out (rare), pack my daughter's lunch, go through my daughter's school folder and help with homework, laundry, groceries, buy the kids' clothing and other items, and clean as often as I can. Sometimes his mom helps with cleaning on weekends if I haven't gotten to all of it.

It's sad to me that he cannot see the extent of how ridiculous his behavior is. Quite frankly, I have given up on our relationship. But I do want what is best for the kids -- and two parents not getting along is not what's best. I guess I am optimistic and see things from a place of personal growth, even if it's a really tough situation. I need to remember that he's likely to see this in a much more negative light because he tends to be more negative and think others are "out to get him."

In any event, thank you for your thoughts, much appreciated.


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