# MIL Can't Let Go of Grown Son



## LolaJ (Jul 16, 2012)

So we all probably have our MIL horror stories, and probably like most MIL horror stories, mine involves one with major attachment issues.

My husband's mom purchased an "investment" home close to her house when we got engaged. Since both my husband and I got laid off during the engagement, my MIL offered to have us stay in the house rent-free. It was our understanding that we would stay there until we could get out on our own.

A year later, we both found jobs and saved up money to move out. Sure, we will be renting a small apartment in the meantime, but at least we have some money saved up and will be able to save up more to purchase our own house in a year or two.

But my MIL doesn't want us to move out. Why? 

MIL reason#1
She says we can save so much more money by living rent-free in her house. Which is true, but we don't feel like mature adults living in her home. At some point we need to be responsible for our own lives and take care of ourselves. She doesn't see it that way. She sees it as us being irresponsible by not taking the "easier route" and save money until we're ready to purchase a new home. When my husband says he's 32 years old and she needs to learn to let him go and live his own life, she says he's just being prideful.

MIL reason#2
She tells us that she purchased the home we're currently staying in so that we can purchase it from her someday and live there permanently. We never agreed to this, and she purchased the home before we were even got married, and now she expects us to live near her without us having any kind of say. We're bound to the house and by not buying the house from her, we're being ungrateful. She said we're going against her will by not staying in the house, saving money and buying the house from her. What if we found a better opportunity elsewhere? What if we decided to move to another town or state? She says we're being ungrateful if we move away from her, because she "worked so hard to find us a nice house to live in" after we got married.

MIL reason #3
She thinks we're running away from the family...which is kind of true. Honestly, I think we'll go crazy if we stay in her house any longer. But we try to tell her that this move will actually be good. Maybe our relationship with her will get better when we're out on our own. Because we're not happy now. If we're in a happier place, maybe we'll be able to appreciate each other more. She doesn't see it that way, obviously.

My husband is 32 years old and it seems like my MIL can't loosen the apron strings. We're already in the process of moving and while we were packing items in the truck, she showed up and started crying and said we were making her "suffer." She made a big scene and accused us of "running away from the family." Now his entire family says we're horrible people for breaking his mom's heart.

We're not running away from anyone, our apartment is just a few minutes away from his mom. We just feel like we need our own space. 

Is that so wrong of us? I know we're being the reasonable ones here, but my husband's family is acting like we're the crazy ones! What the hell are we missing here? Maybe there's a better way to communicate with them, but I feel the reasons are just so obvious!

Sure, we can probably save a ton more money by living in her house, and we very grateful that she gave us a place to stay when we were down financially, but 1) I don't want to purchase the house we're currently living in, 2) We feel like we're being smothered the longer we stay in her house and 3) We're a married adult couple. We should be able to make our own decisions.


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

Tell her you'll buy her house from her. She can sell you the house at a price that will allow you to make payments and still save money. But definitely finance it through a bank - you don't want to be making house payments to her.


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## Hopefull363 (Feb 13, 2012)

I don't think they want to live so close to her. Live your life the way you and your husband want. Either she'll come around eventually or she won't. Tell her you are sorry for the misunderstanding but you both want to pick out your own house. Offer to sell it for her.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Good lord, don't buy that house! It is clear your H agrees with you and thank goodness for that.

This woman is being very manipulative. She does not want to help her son unless he obeys her. Very controlling. 

If she really wanted to help, she would rent the house to someone else and save some of the rental income to give you both as a gift when the time is right--like when you want to buy a house, or when you have your first child, etc.

All that matters is that you and your h are on the same page. Please do not feel guilty about wanting to be responsible for yourselves and to separate from so much family/mom influence and control. Set boundaries and insist that she respect them. Sure, seeing mom and making her part of your lives will add to your happiness--if she does not use the time to berate or try to manipulate you more, and if she respects the limits you set. You need time alone together, and you will want time alone with him and the kids when that time comes. 

Note that she changed her tune when you turned her down, by the way. First it was about "helping" you guys, and suddenly it is about you abandoning the family. She'll keep trying new tactics. Your h should have a serious sit-down with his mom (you don't need to be there) and explain what you and he have agreed on and he needs to be explicit about what the expectations will be--weekly visits, monthly, daily--it's up to the two of you to decide what feels right.

And be prepared, b/c the next thing she will be saying is that it is all YOUR fault and you have brainwashed your h. This is not a new story and the direction it will take is fairly predictable. Good luck!


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## jdlash (Jun 18, 2012)

It took 8 years of me putting my Mom before my W before it wrecked our relationship. I put my foot down very compassionately with my Mom and I am a much stronger man. My relationship with my W is starting to recover and my self esteem is off the charts compared to what it used to be.

Don't wait 8 years before waking up. Once you get married the only two people that get votes that count in your lives are you and your husband.


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## 23YearWife (Sep 3, 2010)

You've made the right decision. This is your husband's problem to deal with. Talk to him about it, but let him do all the interacting and explaining to his own family so you don't end up in a permanent triangle with MIL.


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## Ansley (Apr 5, 2010)

ug...get the hell away. get your own place. Be very appreciative to her though because she did give you a place to live and get back on your feet. Move to an apartment, house, condo..whatever but make sure you never ever ask her for any kind of financial help ever again.


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## alton (Jul 18, 2012)

Stop blaming the MIL and just move on. She's obviously just trying to help her son. Tell your hubby to make her understand and then move on. She'll deal with it.


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## LolaJ (Jul 16, 2012)

I guess I'll offer some more details as to why I'm maybe a little more than annoyed. 

I truly believe MIL does have good intentions, I'm not faulting her for that. What I am faulting her for is creating far more drama than there needs to be, basically because of her own needy feelings of wanting her children close to her. It's not a bad thing to want that, but life doesn't always work out that way. Children will settle down where they choose. I have a mother, too, and I'm sure she would love to have her kids and grandkids close to her. But my mother tells me that she only wants her children's happiness. She's not going to manipulate me through guilt to have me live close to her if that's not what we truly want.

But despite this, I've been supportive of my husband maintaining good relations with his family (I actually encouraged my husband to be more nice to his mother and extend invitations to his family, even though he's far more agitated with them than me).

I think his mom is lucky that I've defended her and her family, even though she's said that she doesn't care for me and that she wishes my husband never married. I just dismissed it as her talking out of frustration. 

His mom also told us if we don't buy the home, we're being ungrateful. She apparently feels that any time we say no to her, or that we can't do something she wants us to, which isn't very often, she goes nuts and says we're intentionally trying to make her suffer.

We would have been fine living in her house and saving money like she wanted us to, but the family laid down some very unreasonable demands of my husband recently (The family basically was trying to force him to switch careers and take a job that would really only benefit them in the long run). We decided it was time to cut the cord and live on our own. Sure, we won't save as much money as living rent-free, but at least we can take ownership of our own responsibilities.

If I held grudges, I would have influenced my husband to stop talking to his family altogether (his mom holds major grudges and demands her family members to stop talking to people if she doesn't like them. She did that to her own husband and now he doesn't have a relationship with his own brothers and sisters. MIL wouldn't even let her husband go to his mom's own funeral). 

She also purchased this house with three other relatives, and although they agreed to have us live in the house, she never told them of her plans of us buying it. They each have their own plans for the house and I know they want to make a profit on it. They plan to sell it in the next few years. The house is way too expensive for us and we won't be able to purchase it for the price I'm sure the other stakeholders want to sell it for within that time frame. My MIL seems to think that because she put in more for the down payment, that overrides whatever say the other stakeholders have. She doesn't have the money to buy them out. It just seems like a messy situation that we don't want to be a part of anyway.

So, no, buying the home is not an option for us. And yes, we will move out regardless of what MIL says. I'm just disappointed that the MIL can't accept it and she keeps calling with either threats or guilt statements.


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## Hopefull363 (Feb 13, 2012)

Your husband does back you up with his mother?


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## cjpa (Jul 17, 2012)

I am surprises (and impressed) that from what it sounds like, your husband doesn't give in to his mom's demands/wishes. Moms like that tend to raise men with serious "mom" issues, so good for him, he must be strong in that regard.

It's so easy for us to comment as we aren't living your life, but I say screw MIL and do what YOU two want, it is YOUR life and her "issues" clearly keep her from accepting that. Sounds more like she is just a big drama queen and is throwing tantrums in hope that guilt will get her way. Good luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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