# Cheating Wife - 2 young sons



## cornudo (Mar 5, 2014)

This story sounds like so many others out there but I feel like I need to write it out and submit it none the less.

My wife and I have been married for 5 years. We have two young sons (2 and 3). Our life together at the beginning was great. Ever since our second son was born we have been growing apart. I worked a lot right up to the time he was born. Afterwards, life was so busy for us that we never really connected or re-connected. Our sex life went from good to once in 3 years. We started to disagree alot about household chores. She comes from a South American country where there are housemaids and hired help. I did not ask her to work, but I expected her to take care of the kids and house while I was working. But this quickly became overwhelming for her. I ended up caving and doing more and more of the housework as time went on, building resentment. Before I asked her to marry me, I asked whether she could imagine herself living and raising kids in our mountain community. She said that she could, now she mentions to me weekly that she wants to leave for some place warmer or a bigger city.

This last September we were planning to entertain two sets of people from her home country - her female cousin and an old male coworker who happened to be visiting the US. I felt something was wierd was up between the coworker and her but couldn't really believe my gut. He visited during an audit at my work so I was putting in a lot of hours and not at home often. After he left, there were all the tell-tale signs of an affair - cell phone was suddenly with her or hidden. Frequent texting, there was a call or two from her home country that I answered and the caller hung up.

I started spying. While nothing is sexually explicit in their texts, something obviously happened. She even mentions getting married to him and moving to Florida to start their lives over together. Soon after this, she sexted an old boyfriend from her home country with him sending her **** pics and her saying how wet she was. I have done a couple of soft confrontations not revealing all that I know. She steadfastly denies that anything happened. I told her a couple of time she should never text him again and yet she always did the next day. I think the OM is now kind of sick of her contacting him and they haven't texted in two weeks.

There is no alcohol or substance abuse for either of us. But she suffered under an emotionally abusive mother who, although she lives thousands of miles away, still causes her grief. She shows all the classic signs of entitlement - entitled not to have to clean the house, entitled to live in a big city (we do not, I love our rural mountain town), entitled to vacations and other expensive things that we cannot afford. Yet we still travel a fair amount and I gave her a great
life that she was not bound to have had she not married me.

I feel like I am beyond suggesting conseling. She carried this affair on basically in front of me and our children in our house, I will not be able to forget. My greatest fear in divorcing is the international component. My wife is a US permanent resident but not a citizen. Both of our sons are dual-citizens. Her country of origin is a member of the Hague convention but also has been critized by the international community for not enforcing the agreement. I have read
"the list" and am making progress to getting my affairs in order before starting down D road.

Things are not terrible between us. She has been nicer and more active working on the house lately. But I am living a lie and both for my sake and my kids, I will not be able to do that much longer.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

You can have your kids put on a watch list so they cannot legally leave the country. Her nice face may be an act, beware.

If the texting has stopped, I would confront her about what you know. When she still denies tell her you have set up a polygraph.

If you are seriously considering divorce start the 180.

The Healing Heart: The 180

Be sure and get the two books linked below immediately.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Does the OM live in FLA or was she wanting him to move there?


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Have you contacted an attorney? 

She does not sound like she is remorseful, or that you have enough evidence to confront her. Have you put in a VAR to see what she says on the phone? 

If she has cheated is that over your line in the sand? I would be concerned about her taking your kids to her home country. 

Sorry that you are going thru this experience. If she is already cheating this early in the marriage, that is never a good sign.

Good luck, but hopefully your attorney will help with some ideas to keep your kids here.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

There is a big difference in approach with and without kids. With children you want to work hard to resolve matters. Generally, you want to move where your wife will be happy. So to preserve the marriage, I'd ask her where she would be happy and consider some other location where you could potentially work. 

Do consider counseling. 

Certainly you shouldn't eliminate common sense and when you saw a seeming problem, the task was to get that jerk out of your house. You want to drive to save your marriage. 

Do note there are a lot of problems with "the list" that I assume you got from a divorce forum. The list was apparently developed by a group of lawyers who thought by telling men that they weren't tough enough and were entitled to get what they wanted, and then getting a group of feminist attorneys to tell women they needed to be suspicious and aggressive, you could have divorce proceedings lasting years and lawyers could make tens of thousands of dollars.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Yep. Lawyer up. Soon. Or sooner.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

cornudo said:


> I have done a couple of soft confrontations not revealing all that I know.


Face it my man. You're doing "soft confrontations" because you're scared sh!t to do anything more. You sense she has one foot out the door and you're afraid to push it. 
Here's the thing Dawg. She already left in spirit and soon the body will follow. You may as well start planning for your new life as a bachelor. Don't forget to file a new W-4 withholding statement with you employer claiming single.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Does she suspect you are going to divorce her?

Are you still intimate? Is she trying to manipulate you emotionally?

International child abduction is horrible.

One problem that you obviously see: if you divorce, she will not want to live in your community as a divorced woman. Moreover, you work too much to have 50/50 custody. Is this what worries you now?


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

How is her mothering? 
I can't imagine having 2 kids who are SO young and having the inclination to engage with other men - part of her 'entitlement' I suppose. And where does she get the time! Nothing is right in her world it seems, you, her marriage, living in a small town, not having servants etc. Poor her! 

Would she go back to her home country and leave the kids with you? Or take them back there behind your back?

This is a very complicated scenario. Find a lawyer who *specialises* in such a situation. Also perhaps let the authorities know the identity of your children to prevent her taking them out of the US. It might sound dramatic but it's not. No harm done if she doesn't but you are protected if she does. 

Sorry you are here.


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

Does she have her green card. Are you her sponsor?


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Take your kids' passports and put them into a safe box at a bank your wife does not know about. Or give them to your parents with strict instructions not to give them to your wife under any circumstances.

Airlines will usually require a notarized signed permission letter for one parent to take kids out of the country.

Talk to a lawyer, and cover your bases. But I think you don't have to worry about her taking them out of the country if you hide the passports and don't sign a permission letter.


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## cornudo (Mar 5, 2014)

Some Answers:

- The OM lives in her native country in South America, not Florida.

- I don't agree that men should move their family to keep their wife happy. I was perfectly clear prior to marriage where I thought we would be raising our family. 

- I am taking precautions with passports, etc. prior to telling her. I don't suspect she knows how far down this road I am.

- There are no lawyers in my area that specialize in internation child custody issues. The closest one did not want to bother with the travel to our area. I have talked to a few attorneys and found one that I like. She felt like 50/50 custody was probable.

- She does have her green card - she is now a permanent resident and I was her sponsor.

- Her mothering is good. Our intimacy is non-existant.

- I am scared ****less of confronting her - especially before I have more ducks in a row. Who wouldn't be in this situation? My kids could end up 4,000 miles away from me.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Do the kids have passports.....it might be a good time to hide them or lock them up were she can't get them.
If I'm mistaken they can't leave the country with out them.... At least by air
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Just make sure the divorce petition includes a court order barring her from taking the children out of Florida. If she does she'll have a kidnapping charge and then the FBI can step in. 

You need to put these issues to your lawyer. Quit guessing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cornudo (Mar 5, 2014)

I should clarify that we are in CA. FL is where she would like to move.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Whoooooaaaahhhhh......don't file for divorce in Cali! Are you nuts? Move to Florida, hold out for a year and divorce her sorry azz there. You're gonna get creamed if you file in Ca.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cornudo (Mar 5, 2014)

While financially divorce here doesn't look great, from what I have seen, CA is a consistent 50/50 state.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

You will get hammered for alimony friend. Don't delude yourself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Baablacksheep (Aug 29, 2013)

Just putting myself in her shoes for a bit. Does she have woman friends she can talk to? Do you or she have parents or family members close by? If she moved away from her home country and family that's some big adjustments for anyone, let alone getting married too. Please don't think I'm defending her actions, cause she has done wrong. Probably in the heat of new love the promise of living there didn't seem so hard, now that is changing as love dies. Bro I get you on the unfairness of working at your job and having to do work at home. That's another cultural difference you two have. I'm hoping you can work it out, for your kid's sake, and your marriage !!


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## cornudo (Mar 5, 2014)

She does have many female friends here. Many of which speak her native language. My family is an hour away and we see them often.

She lived in the US for a number of years prior to us meeting. She talks about her home country alot but also grudgingly admits that it is no place to have kids. Every single one of her family members have been kidnapped and robbed at some point.


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## Baablacksheep (Aug 29, 2013)

Ha, well she needs to be reminded of her families experience when she talks about the home country. Maybe not in a nasty way, just like when she says something wishing she could be there you agree and jokingly say something like "except for this little problem of getting a remote vacation every so often." She's remembering all the good, and really ignoring the reality. All I can say is date her like you did when you were courting.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

cornudo said:


> - I am taking precautions with passports, etc. prior to telling her.


It sounds like the kids already have passports. Just FYI if they do NOT have passports yet, they cannot get a passport without your signature. I don't think you have to worry about the kids being taken out of the country without your permission.

But she could take them out of state as easily as getting in a car and driving. There is nothing you can do to physically prevent it ahead of time, but you certainly can get the legal orders which would make it kidnapping if she does.

If it hasn't been mentioned yet, visit dadsdivorce.com and look for "The List". It is an excellent and comprehensive list of actions to take before telling her about the divorce. You can decide which make sense for you. Lots of excellent suggestions on how to document various things and how to protect your rights as a father.

As always, double check with your lawyer.

Also, consider getting a VAR to protect yourself. That's a Voice Activated Recorder. Once you tell her of the divorce she may make false allegations of abuse. She may call 911 and say you hit her. She may say you abused your kids. The VAR would be kept in your shirt pocket anytime you are interacting with her. This way you have evidence that you did not hit her, or you might get her to admit you never abused your kids.

Plenty of times there are false allegations made, and then the courts automatically default to worst case assumptions. There will be a restraining order, you will be restricted from seeing your children, etc. Your state may be a 2-party consent location, meaning it is not legal to record without her consent. However, it may still be worth recording because it is evidence to exonerate you of the false accusations.


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## cornudo (Mar 5, 2014)

I have seen an attorney. Finding a lawyer in our town is tough. There are four divorce attorneys - only one of which has a good reputation. And, sadly, she does not have experience in international custody issues. None of them do. The closest lawyer that does wouldn't consider talking to me because of the travel time to represent me in the local courts.

I have had an initial consultation and been in-touch with the attorney through email since. While the CS and SS are expensive - I could work through that. 

I have started a log of my parenting time. I have ordered a VAR. I am starting to separate our finances. The passports are collected. I have read the list. Hell, I even saw a counselor who recommended marriage counseling. I just can't see going through with couple's conseling after what's been done.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

cornudo said:


> I have seen an attorney. Finding a lawyer in our town is tough. There are four divorce attorneys - only one of which has a good reputation. And, sadly, she does not have experience in international custody issues. None of them do. The closest lawyer that does wouldn't consider talking to me because of the travel time to represent me in the local courts.
> 
> I have had an initial consultation and been in-touch with the attorney through email since. While the CS and SS are expensive - I could work through that.
> 
> I have started a log of my parenting time. I have ordered a VAR. I am starting to separate our finances. The passports are collected. I have read the list. Hell, I even saw a counselor who recommended marriage counseling. I just can't see going through with couple's conseling after what's been done.


You sound as if you don't love her Cornudo because she has gone too far. 


> I started spying. While nothing is sexually explicit in their texts, something obviously happened. She even mentions getting married to him and moving to Florida to start their lives over together. Soon after this, she sexted an old boyfriend from her home country with him sending her **** pics and her saying how wet she was. I have done a couple of soft confrontations not revealing all that I know. She steadfastly denies that anything happened. I told her a couple of time she should never text him again and yet she always did the next day. I think the OM is now kind of sick of her contacting him and they haven't texted in two weeks.


With what you say above I can't blame you if you don't love her any more and it will be hard to forget especially as it was under your roof. That takes some gall. If you know longer love her the case do as you are doing, lawyer up etc. What about an experienced lawyer in international divorce but have your consultations by Skpe. They can still charge you by time as they usually do.
Do you really think she would go back to her home country with the kidnappings etc? Try to find out. Calmly tell her that she seems so unhappy and does she ever feel she wants to go back home? Though Florida seems to be what's in her head which is worrying because she is clearly fine with having the kids live a long way from you. 
You still need a damn fine lawyer. Whatever is decided you will have to live with it until the kids reach 18. There's no going back and that's a long time.

She is used to servants and you do a lot of the work in the home so will she be able to cope being on her own with the kids? Maybe you could use that re custody. Parenting log is a great idea and also write down all the household tasks you do.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

I have to ask you a question.
Going 3 years without any type of intimacy surely must have given you a clue that something terribly was wrong.

After 6 months you needed to have confronted the issue. How could you be in such denial?


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

Wait a second. You have been married 5 years.
You state that you have a 2 and 5 year old child.
You state that you have not been sexually intimate for 3 years.
Where then did the 2 year child come from??????

You certainly need to have him tested for paternity.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

On second thought, maybe you need to paternity test both of your children as well.


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## cornudo (Mar 5, 2014)

My kids are 2 and 3. I shamefully have done a paternity test and both of them are mine. With one fairly recent exception, conceiving our youngest son was the last time we had sex.

Yes - I refused to confront the lack of sex and intimacy. No excuses for that on my part. Denial is the right word.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

cornudo said:


> She does have many female friends here. Many of which speak her native language. My family is an hour away and we see them often.
> 
> She lived in the US for a number of years prior to us meeting. *She talks about her home country alot but also grudgingly admits that it is no place to have kids. Every single one of her family members have been kidnapped and robbed at some point*.


Try to get court proof evidence of this. - her saying or writing this, or from independent sources.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

That you want to keep your kids, I understand. But I don't understand why you would want to stay in a sexless marriage?


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