# I had to post a new thread - I am so lost!



## dante (Jun 2, 2011)

I know I won't get any answers to my questions, but I have to ask them anyway. I felt like I was moving on and now I feel completely lost. The wife left me almost three months ago and I have been fighting to turn a corner since then. I spent the first month trying to figure out a way to win her back, but now I know in my mind that she is gone. The problem is that my heart won't move forward.

She told me the other day that she thinks that the only reason that I have these feelings is because I like order and don't like change and that I never really loved her. She was just familiar to me and that is why I want her around. If that is the case, then why do I hurt so badly and why am I better when I don't talk to her and a complete wreck after I talk to her.

I am a mess at work. I can't get things done because I don't want to do anything but sit on the couch. I just want my wife back, but I can't have her because she has made up her mind and there is no convincing her otherwise. 

I am supposed to go shooting with a friend of mine today and she is going to come up and clean more of her stuff out of the house. I don't want to go and I don't want her to come up. I am starting to have a panic attack. I am currently sitting in my garage, smoking like a chimney and crying as I type this. Why did this have to happen. I was supposed to grow old with her and spend my final years with her. I don't know how to do this. Why does it hurt so badly if I never loved her? This is torture!

I guess I need a friendly voice right now. I try to be strong, but I just can't do it today. I try, but I can't. The worst part is that she still wants to be friends, but I can't just be friends with someone who I love. I have tried to be friendly, cordial, distant, and everything else, but nothing helps. Why? What does it take to move past all of this?

There are days where I am fine and make it through the day with nothing major happening, but others where I just want to die. I am so lost.


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## caughtdreaming (May 30, 2011)

I have no words of comfort for you Dante I'm sorry. I cried when I read this. I am also out of cigarettes. I feel this way too. I am so lost, I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know what it takes but I'm tired of fighting for it. I don't know how I became apart of the past and so easily forgotten about. Most days I am just numb, I don't feel present in my life. My head spins in circles and I am scared I am going to be like this forever.


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

Yeah is does feel like it'll never end.It will Dante....it does...but we need to go through hell 1st before that happens ...and that is the sucky part.
Well if it makes you feel better when you don't talk to her than try no to . For me it seems it works the opposite,when i talk to him i do better afterward.

I hate that so many people go through this,it is something that no one should feel...I also though that I'll be with him until death do us part i envisioned us old and caring for each other...i envisioned so many things and now...poof...he's not in it anymore

hugs guys


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## Qwilleran (Jun 11, 2011)

I can hear your pain and anguish and am truly sorry Dante!

I too wish I had an answer for your pain. I can only reflect on my own 19 month separation coming out of a 25 year marriage peppered by my SO's serial infidelity and comment on how I get through each day. Ultimately, in my situation I've had a chance to step back and look at the relationship for what it truly was and not how I thought it was. 

It is extremely hard to look at a failed relationship as it dredges up not only the inadequacies/failures of our SO but also of ourselves. Self reflection can be enlightening, scary, and downright painful. 

One of the lessons I have taken from this is that I will not let my SO's hurtful, disrespectful actions or opinions define 
my future well being. The relationship I had with my STBX was actually only ONE relationship with that person. It cannot define or predict any future relationship I may have with a SO in my life. I have value and I deserve respect JUST AS SURLY AS YOU DO! *You must hang on, believe in yourself, respect yourself and have faith that you deserve a relationship with mutual love and respect*. Anything less that this is not worth the effort. Try not to be hard on yourself and be content in that you tried your best in your relationship and your SO failed to see and appreciate this. IT IS HER LOSS!

If you find that you are at the end of your rope, tie a knot in it and hang on! This too shall pass in good time!

Take care!

Qwill


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## cherokee96red (Apr 23, 2011)

I sure wish I had all the answers, for you and me and everybody dealing with these feelings and emotions. But, alas, I don't. All I can offer is knowing that you are not alone in the way you are feeling. How comforting that is, well, I don't know except for the old saying that misery loves company.

I have been feeling stagnant, like I'm slogging through quicksand and between the patches of quicksand are bottomless holes of despair that I keep falling into. If only I had a steady source of income then I could battle and beat all these obstacles that have been put in my way. At this point I'm not living, merely existing. While others, STBX, appear to be doing just fine, moving on and all that rot. At least he could be suffering too.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Stop contacting her especially to tell her about your feelings and emotions.
So keep your heart out of your next contact with her...maintain a business like additude. 
For now use the forum to vent your emotions, get into counseling were you no longer need to talk to your future ex wife about how you are feeling and you can talk to someone else, even if you have to pat them. 

Keep your heart away from her and your heart won't get in your way.


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## caughtdreaming (May 30, 2011)

the guy said:


> Keep your heart away from her and your heart won't get in your way.


Really? Is this true? I feel like it is both my head and my heart making me feel this way, not just my heart alone.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

It was my experience when dealing with my cheating wife, that no matter how much I wanted to cry and beg, and as tough as it was I had to do the oppisite of what my heart wanted.

It worked, confronting my cheating wife in a a calm and business like manner empowered me. Not letting my emotion and true feeling get in the way of the confrontation help in making it very clear in what I wanted and what I was going to do.

I think wearing my heart on my sleeve only empowered my spouse. Were as, if I stayed guarded it kept my wife guessing...second guessing her choices and dicisions.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

I'm feeling lost too, really missing her companionship, but anytime I have any contact it just f*cks up my brain... I know I'm better when she's not around, but I'm so, so lonely, was lonely even before she moved out since she was so not in the marriage. I don't want to start some new g*d [email protected] relationship. I just want to be with the one I have spent the last 7 years with planning the rest of our lives together.

So do I have good news? Well not good or bad, but we're on new paths, you can go back or stay where you are but why would you really want to, this place sucks, the last place was ok, but there has GOT to be a better place out there and the only way is forward... we're also bound to find good people, women, who enjoy our companionship again, and even if its not the perfect match lets take what we've learned in this and keep ourselves first, enjoy being around other people, listen to their story and just give off love. My mom forced me to watch some christian preacher on tv this morning (is nice to be on vacation at home!) wasn't into the religious stuff much but their is a lot of wisdom, he was talking about timothy, and how we get past our shame and hardship by accepting it willingly, and that Is something I think you and I know how to do Dante.

Good luck, hope your day starts going better!


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## reindeer (Mar 24, 2011)

Dante you have inspired me of late and you will have better days again!
I have had a weekend of reflection, and acceptance. I yearn to speak to my husband who I am separated from. But I am day 21 of no contact he has not bothered to see how I am. 
I hope there will be good days ahead, as the future is all we have. At present I don't feel that I have anything to look forward to at all.
I would say you are not ready to be friends at all yet. It is too painful for you.
I do hope you start to pick up again soon, only you can think yourself into it. We are all in this together. Don't know what I would do without this site to post on, we can't make it better for you ut we do understand.


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## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

Oh Dante: My heart goes out to you. I know the pain exactly. It was so bad at times, I literally wanted to rip my skin off. But I didn't. What I did was drive off to a remote place and scream and cry. All I could say was a repetition of Oh My God, Oh My God, Oh My God the pain was excruciating.

And then that passed. And I became sad. And then that, too, is beginning to pass. But it took time. And when I was in it, it seemed forever.

You're right, who can think of dating or relationships when you are feeling this. No way. But that will pass too in time.

I don't know, I didn't have any magic I just had to go through the feelings. I was unable to escape like my stbxh because he has money to go on vacations and I don't. So I have to deal with the feelings without dodging them with busy stuff.

Are we better off because we had this pain? I am willing to bet a great deal of money (easy I have none) that in the long run we are going to be stellar human beings, capable of empathy, generosity and hope.

We will NOT let this overcome us, we will overcome it!

I mean that.


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## dante (Jun 2, 2011)

Thank you to all of my friends here, both old and new. I have only been on this site for a month, but I feel closer to most of you than many of the people in my life right now. I have not been posting since my first post because I was out of the house today...per my first posting. So here is an update.

She rode down with my best friend. Don't know if I have said this before, but she is living in his house right now. When I say this everyone always gives me that look of Ooooooo. It is not like that. I trust him explicitly and I know she is not having an affair. If I am wrong I give everyone here permission to say I told you so. 

Anyway, she rode down with him because he was going shooting with me at a local range and he has a big truck so she could take a bunch of her stuff. I didn't say much to her before we left. Not even pleasantries. I started to tear up so I told my friend that we needed to go now. 

Went shooting for a few hours and then came back to find a bunch of boxes in the garage ready to be loaded. Talked with her for about 5 minutes and then left again to eat dinner with my friend so that she could load the boxes. I didn't offer to help. Not my job anymore. If I thought that helping her would bring her back I would have, but it won't. 

Came back from dinner and she told me all of the stuff she took. Then she calmly got into the truck and left.

The worst part about all of this is how calm she seems most times. I am a quivering mass ready to explode and she seems like it is not bothering her. I felt better after she left and haven't cried since, but I know it will come. I am not looking forward to all of this, but I know I have to move forward since she is unwilling to work on any of this. I just hope that I can do it. 

Thanks again for all of your kind words. Isn't it interesting that many of us know what we need to do and can see these issues in others lives, but it is so much harder to see them in yourself. I know what I would say to someone who posted the kinds of things that I have posted here, but I can't or won't do them myself. What an oddity we humans are. Thanks again to everyone for helping me through this day. Here's to more better days ahead.


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## for better or for worse (Jul 4, 2011)

Dante, 

sorry to hear your situation, I am starting week 3 of a so called "trial separation" with my wife.

I am still unsure how our situation is going to play out, but I feel for you, I am in the same boat, this was a long weekend, and man was it tough, had friends to keep me busy though. 

It is amazing how we recognize it from the outside, however, are so unwilling/unable to change ourselves. well I'll tell you this, no matter the outcome, i have changed, and I am going to change more.... 

Here's to the future...


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## dante (Jun 2, 2011)

What makes a person stop wanting to work on a relationship. She told me what she said to her Psychiatrist that made him tell her she needed to get a divorce right away. Apparently I was controlling every part of her life. Now, to be fair, I do have a controlling personality, but not the way she makes it sound. In fact, in many ways she controlled me as well, but if I tell her that I would get the "you are just trying to turn this around on me" speech. I know because I tried to talk with her about this and that is exactly what she said. 

She would spend money on her hobbies and even when she started doing "money saving" hobbies it cost us a ton of money. If I said anything about it I would be the bad guy. I just don't get how she can be so blind to her own issues and how her therapist can say she is perfectly normal. I have a mountain of credit card debt to prove that she was not as frugal as she claims. Once again, I spent money too, but I spent on small things and she spent on small things and big things as well. I guess I'm just venting because I am financially screwed and she doesn't seem to get it. 

I guess the crux of tonite is how can someone only see your faults and not their own. She still thinks that the only thing she did wrong in the marriage is not forcing me to go to therapy earlier (before she stopped loving me) and that she didn't have the strength to "fix" me. Any thoughts?


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## enlightened1 (Jul 3, 2011)

It has been 4 months since I started to find things my husband was hiding. 
I never found proof of an affair, but there is enough to lose trust. 
I felt dead inside. I stopped eating, was unable to work (almost fired). I got little sleep. I was at my breaking point. 
I slowly started to realize there was no stopping him from doing what he wanted to do. I could not make him fall back in love with me. And to make it worse he said I drifted from him. 
I am now able to function better than before. 
I have set backs and I am getting stronger. Your not alone and there are people that care.


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## caughtdreaming (May 30, 2011)

dante said:


> What makes a person stop wanting to work on a relationship. She told me what she said to her Psychiatrist that made him tell her she needed to get a divorce right away. Apparently I was controlling every part of her life. Now, to be fair, I do have a controlling personality, but not the way she makes it sound. In fact, in many ways she controlled me as well, but if I tell her that I would get the "you are just trying to turn this around on me" speech. I know because I tried to talk with her about this and that is exactly what she said.
> 
> *I dont understand that either. My H did not even want to try counseling or anything. Even to see where the problem started. This is very strange to me and it makes me very upset. He is basically saying our relationship didn't even mean enough to even see what happened.
> 
> ...


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Why? Because patterns of behavior. I know with certainty that when my wife walks in the front door she will be crabby, demanding, distant and cold. She will chalk it up to "anxiety". Maybe that's true; I don't care. Because the behavior is predictable. She will walk in the door and barrage me with an interrogation, ignore anything I say to her unasked and then chain smoke for 15 minutes. This is carved in stone tablets it's that consistent. And after decades of watching it, I just fly off the handle at the first raised eyebrow or tiniest eyeroll or sigh or the slightest tick she's working herself up to tell me to do something. That's the pattern. 

So what makes someone stop working on the relationship is the realization that your behavior as a couple is patterned to not succeed at that. Even the happiest people are programmed to fall into the same toxic behaviors no matter what.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

A stand up comedian's BEST Relationship Advice in the history of forever!

YouTube - ‪Monique Marvez, Ron, Juan and Claudia‬‏


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## dante (Jun 2, 2011)

Ok. So I am having another bad day. I was supposed to go to a block party today, but I just can't bear to leave the house. I know I would probably have some fun at least, but I don't want to go. I feel numb. I want to go out but I just can't do it. How do you move on? With a good portion of her stuff gone the house feels empty, but there are still reminders everywhere. I am lonely and tired.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## caughtdreaming (May 30, 2011)

This "numb" feeling is very strange and scary. My mind and whole body is absolutely numb. I can't shake it off. I cant do anything, its like there is a blanket over my brain.


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## dante (Jun 2, 2011)

Everything feels fuzzy too. Like living in a dream you can't wake up from. This is the first time in a month i have been like this for more than a few hours. I am having a really hard time. Where is the fast forward button so I can really move on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## heart (Jul 3, 2011)

I think a lot of us feeling numb and empty right now. I feel that way too. I feel like one day my life was fine and the next it wasn't. Obviously not true but the way I feel. I have been drinking.... which is funny because I never drink but it eases the numbness a little. For me reading helps a lot. I have always been an avid reader and it helps me escape a little. I know what you mean about finding it difficult to leave, I have the same feeling. It's hard to see the world moving on as usual. Focus on the few things you enjoy that will help you take a break from the reality. I don't know if this is helpful but I am finding a good movie or book helps me take a break from the huge spectrum of emotions even if it is only a little while.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

I was out with my folks and child today, had some fun, my kid wore me down but I was feeling pretty good, looking pretty good, and not one attractive woman would even make eye contact, its felt like this a lot... gives me little hope that when I'm ready to start new relationships there will be few I can even make a connection with, definitely don't want to settle for less than I'm completely attracted to (even just looks) but don't want to be lonely anymore... its kind of daunting, feeling too old to be separated...


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## reindeer (Mar 24, 2011)

Dante and everyone, I too have crashed. No really bad days last week. Then an over thoughtful and reflective weekend-resulting in a day yesterday when I cried for hours. Not crying today, but exhausted. Trying to get on with things, but everything takes so long it seems. We will have better days. Better to go through this now than to bury it, just to re surface years down the line.


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## dante (Jun 2, 2011)

A question for the board. How do you deal with the fact that the woman or man that you were going to spend the rest of your life with becomes just a person you used to know?

This is the thought that has been bothering me today. My wife moved to another town and we have no children. So once the divorce is over I will probably never see her again. How do you deal with that?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Vod (Jun 23, 2011)

Dante I just read your messages and felt compelled to write you. You are in the depths of loss right now. The same feeling as if someone very close to you has died , but this is almost worse as the person you are mourning for is alive. 

First you need to give youself time - lots of it. Its a horrible cliche but time will start to heal you. As you slowly move forward what hurt like hell yesterday will not hurt as much tomorrow. All those memorys you see - the left behind hair clip, a photo , a chair where you sat will at the moment torment you. They are tormenting you becuase you are seeing the root of your pain in every corner of your life. This though will pass. 

You need to give yourself some care and attention. Your a human being with feelings and worth and much much value. Take sometime to attend to what YOU need not what you should feel. Be selfish if need be ... looking out for others will come later when you have regained your strenght and control over the pain you are feeling now. It will ebb and it will fade. You will never forget this time in your life but you will grow from it. And when you come out the other end just try think of the type of person you will become. 

In my lowest moments I refuse these days to give in to the pain and the loss. I return negative sad feelings with punch after punch of positivity ... even in the many moments where I feel I can not take another step. Do it enough times and you will actually start beliving and feeling that hitting back at negativity with a bucket load of positivity actually works ...

Do this for YOU and for no one else and you will come out on top. Sending you good thoughts - D.


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## caughtdreaming (May 30, 2011)

dante said:


> A question for the board. How do you deal with the fact that the woman or man that you were going to spend the rest of your life with becomes just a person you used to know?
> 
> This is the thought that has been bothering me today. My wife moved to another town and we have no children. So once the divorce is over I will probably never see her again. How do you deal with that?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is the same question I ask myself. We had no children either. I had to move far, far away. I will probably never see him again unless it's an awkward run in at the Christmas eve service when everyone is home for the holidays. Still with that, one of us probably will not attend. I will not see him again for the rest of my life :/


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

nickiblue said:


> i wish i know the answer to this one
> my H thinks we will be able to be good friends when this is over- my response is no way! never want to see him again once this is through


I dunno nicki, I would think this kind of feeling may also be different for those of us depending on how long our time was with our SO.

Dante, I do see your point on this especially as it would be in my case, I have been with my W since I was 14. 36 years! That's an awful long time (a lifetime for me) to consider someone gone and a stranger. It is so difficult but I would always consider her a friend if the D came to pass. It seems she is now having thoughts of reconciliation. Geez, I need a drink!


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## caughtdreaming (May 30, 2011)

brighterlight said:


> Geez, I need a drink!


me too.


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## dante (Jun 2, 2011)

I just feel so lost for so many reasons. She was only my second relationship and I never dated besides the other girl I was with for three months. Both of my relationships started because they approached me, not because I was such a smooth talker or looked good or anything. I am absolutely petrified around women that I am attracted to. I guess that makes me not an alpha male, but I just don't know what to say. I was horrible at asking women out and I always ended up in the friend zone when I did ask someone out. 

I am petrified about spending the rest of my life alone, but I am even more petrified of asking someone out (or just talking with them). I know I am not ready for this yet, but I still think about it every day. 

Many people have told me that they didn't like me much when they first met me. My shyness comes off as arrogance. Plus the fact that I am a reasonably well read person with knowledge in different areas makes me seem like I am even more arrogant. Even my stbxw didn't like me when she first met me, but I grew on her. Now all of the things that she liked when we were first dating are all of the things she doesn't like about me now. 

My confidence in my opinion is control, my knowledge is lecturing, how do I win in that case. And who would want a lecturing controller if my wife didn't want me? I guess I just don't know where to go from here. My self esteem is in the garbage and I am so lonely.


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## dante (Jun 2, 2011)

Vod,

Thanks for your words of encouragement. I know that things will get better, but it seems so far away right now. I try to do things for me, but nothing seems to make me happy anymore. I have a feeling that I am in a state of anhedonia and I can't get out soon enough. I would love to have things make sense and be enjoyable, but I just can't seem to get there most of the time. I am still trying to find myself and see what will be, but the pain seems to overwhelm most everything these days. Either pain or numbness. 

I will keep trying, I just need to give it time like you said. Thanks again for the words and the good thoughts.


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## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

dante: I can relate to the feelings you are having. I am in the 4th month of inhouse separation and those feelings have been coming and going. I had a tough last couple of days because my stbxh is coming back tomorrow and I am scared about those painful feelings returning. I don't want them back. I have never ever felt such pain in my life.

We have no children, either. I doubt very much we will see each other again, once the physical separation occurs. Sad, yes.

I cannot sit and torture myself about the future. I need to take care of myself. That means not thinking about tomorrow and repeatedly (if necessary) asking myself what am I doing at this very moment.

The future will take care of itself (it doesn't even exist) and the now we must take care of.

Hugs to you and all of us.


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## dante (Jun 2, 2011)

Nicki - I am not worried about a relationship yet, but I still worry about what I am going to do when I am divorced and have to re-enter the dating pool. This is the kind of stuff I wonder about as I am sitting alone in my house at night. I know I am not ready to date, even though my friends (mostly women by the way) are kind of pushing me to do that. I just don't know how I will do it when the time comes since I was so horrible at it when I was 15 years younger and had things in common with many of the women I was around. It just weighs on my mind is all. 

Sparkles - I am so much better when I don't talk with her. Talking reminds me of what I lost. The big problem is that we have not started the divorce process (I will have to because she doesn't have the money to do it) and a lot of her stuff is still in the house. She doesn't have anywhere to put it even if she did come and take it. The real catch 22 in all of this is that I am sad looking at her stuff, but it is even worse whenever she comes to get stuff. 

I am trying to take care of the now and not worry about the future, but I don't know how to get it out of my head. What a total mind-f*@k this whole divorce thing is. 

I hope you all have a great day. Mine is turning out ok, which is all I can hope for right now.


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## dante (Jun 2, 2011)

Okay. I hate to sound like a broken record but I had another breakdown today. All of my coworkers decided to go out for drinks after work today. I was so exhausted from work that I went home and slept for an hour. When I got to the bar I didnt want to drink so I ordered a coke and sat there feeling really out of place. I drank two sips and after about twenty minutes I left because I just couldn't be around anyone. I even ducked my head as I left because someone else I know was walking in. I just went home and cried for about ten minutes. Granted it seemed shorter than most of my crying jags. 

I just couldn't be around all those happy people. I wish I could but if I had stayed longer I would have broken down right there and probably ruined everyones night. Rationally I know I will get better but it is so emotionally and physically exhausting.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Runs like Dog
So what makes someone stop working on the relationship is the realization that your behavior as a couple is patterned to not succeed at that. Even the happiest people are programmed to fall into the same toxic behaviors no matter what.[/QUOTE said:


> OMG !!!!! And if you add into that mix ....
> 
> ~sammy


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## reindeer (Mar 24, 2011)

Dante this site has some good little articles on it.

www.divorcemag.com/articles



This one is relevant to you I think.

Tears
by Susan Pease Gadoua 
There is sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of over¬whelming grief and unspeakable love.
~ Washington Irving 

To cry at the loss of a loved one, a single nuclear family, or a dream, or at the injustices you may be experiencing in your marital dissolution is a healthy response to this life event. Having to divide as a couple or as a family is sad and painful even under the best of circumstances.


Crying is not a sign of weakness; it is a sign of being a sentient person. Those who try not to cry or not to feel sad do themselves a disservice on many levels.

Shedding tears is a way to cleanse the soul of grief and the pain of loss; it also provides physical benefits. Tears literally make you feel better by releasing toxins that would other¬wise build up in your body. If you’ve ever had a “good cry,” you know that after the crying ends, you actually feel more relaxed and calmer. Crying is a physical as well as an emo¬tional release in that it slows down your heart rate and helps you to breathe a little deeper and more fully. It moves grief out of your cells. It is cathartic. (Catharsis can be defined as an event that produces a feeling of being purified emotionally, spiritually, or psychologically as a result of experiencing an intense emotional experience or a therapeutic technique.)

When you allow yourself to shed tears and truly grieve, you move through the grieving process faster than if you try to squelch your emotions in some way.

One way to think about this that may help is that every time you allow yourself to feel sad, you are that much closer to being on the other side of the pain. Shutting down your grief doesn’t make it go away; rather it prevents you from moving through it. Your tears will flow when you are ready to cry and they will stop when you’re done grieving.

AFFIRMATION

Today, I allow myself to cry whatever tears I need to cry.


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## dante (Jun 2, 2011)

Reindeer,

Thank you. That helped. I am better today. I just can't stand the rollercoaster. It really sucks going from emotion to emotion. My head is ready to move forward, but my heart isn't. It is really messing me up right now and I can't get to that place that I need to be. I am sure it will come in time, but it seems like I take a few steps forward and then slide back. It's like the most sadistic game of chutes and ladders ever created. I guess I just have to keep moving forward. Thanks again, I have been reading a lot on that site. I appreciate it.


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## reindeer (Mar 24, 2011)

Glad it helped, also that you feel brighter today. I hate the roler coaster too. Mu H away with woman he had affair with before he left me. Told D he was away with 'just a friend'. LOL!!

I txt him last night bout a few things, got no reply. This puts me on a sort of high funnily enough. Makes me realise what a ---- he actally is, and makes me stronger. i just wish I could divorce him here and now, just don't have the money.


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## dante (Jun 2, 2011)

Reindeer,

I almost wish my wife were being really mean about this. It might make it easier to move on. She says the only thing she ever did to protect herself was to leave. I don't believe that but she still wants to talk and remain friends. I don't think that is possible for me at least. I can't go from loving someone as a wife to liking someone as a friend. Plus my family and some of my friends are really mad at her. There are dAys when I really wish she bad just left me for someone else. That would help me move on but would also destroy me. 

Oh well. I guess I just keep pushing on. Hopefully I can get the legal stuff going soon. Maybe that would help. Thanks again for listening.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## reindeer (Mar 24, 2011)

Yes it is a no win situation really. If there is no real reason you think why? If they have cheated on you, you think it is unfair.


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## 52flower (Mar 4, 2011)

Hang in there Dante. I relate to your personality and what you are going through. Filing & divorcing (6 months ago) helped remove me from his controlling unfair ways but I will always wish for what I probably will never get...respect. I would love to have the closure of him saying he made the choice to be with her & good or bad, that's where it is, final decision. And instead of making excuses, continuing to lie, & wanting to keep me on the side, that his actions respect & support me as a person who was his best friend. That would mean wanting my outcome to be as good or better than his, especially after what his selfishness caused for me. Yes, a dreamer; as much as I want redemption, it will probably never happen. But that's why there are good days when I don't care & still some low days when I think of how he treated me and it still makes me yelp "Ouch". People who have not been through betrayal don't understand how much it hurts & how it takes time to get over. When they say come out & have a good time they care & want you to be happy but sometimes the laughter makes you feel worse. It's OK. Be kind to yourself and accept what you are feeling. Good people like you should be loved & respected... & you should be the first to love & respect yourself.


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