# Need you opinion.,,.



## Jessie13 (Feb 26, 2012)

I have been married to the love of my life for almost 28 years! I love this man more than he'll ever know. There have been times when our sex life has been almost not existant...I think partially from lack of communication. My sex drive has never been really high which has absolutely nothing to do with him...there have been many times when I haven't really felt like it but it was amazing and I enjoyed it. He feels like I don't want him sometimes and has even said he thought there was someone else! lol Since the day I laid eyes on him there has never been anyone else. He stays on his side of the bed so if anything happens its not his "fault'...I get so tired of being the one to iniate things all the time. I know he loves me and enjoys sex so how do I undo the hurt I have caused him and make him understand that he is sexy and that he makes me feel awsome!


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Jessie13 said:


> I have been married to the love of my life for almost 28 years! I love this man more than he'll ever know. There have been times when our sex life has been almost not existant...I think partially from lack of communication. My sex drive has never been really high which has absolutely nothing to do with him...there have been many times when I haven't really felt like it but it was amazing and I enjoyed it. He feels like I don't want him sometimes and has even said he thought there was someone else! lol Since the day I laid eyes on him there has never been anyone else. He stays on his side of the bed so if anything happens its not his "fault'...I get so tired of being the one to iniate things all the time. I know he loves me and enjoys sex so how do I undo the hurt I have caused him and make him understand that he is sexy and that he makes me feel awsome!


seduce him!


get all dolled up and tell him exactly what you wrote on here. Then rock his world by asking him what he wants sexually and then do it with gusto. with in reason of course if he sugests a threesome that might be a bit much but if he asks for you to masterbate or something that might seem strange try it you might like if.


I just used masterbation as an example it could be any number of things you probley alraedy know what he would really like suprise him with it enthuastically.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Does he respond when you initiate


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## Jessie13 (Feb 26, 2012)

I would say that probably 70% of the time he does respond when I iniate. When he doesn't I think that he feels like I don't really want to have sex but that I'm doing it just for him. I have told him that if I iniate it that means I want to do it...it doesn't matter if I just cant keep my hands off of him or if I do it just because I love him.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Hey Jessie, you should have him come to this site and have him read up on some of the issues other husbands have here with the frequency of intimacy and initiation! He'll probably walk away from the computer syaing "What an As*hole I've been! Come here NOW Jessie!"


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> I have been married to the love of my life for almost 28 years! I love this man more than he'll ever know. There have been times when our sex life has been almost not existant...I think partially from lack of communication. My sex drive has never been really high which has absolutely nothing to do with him...there have been many times when I haven't really felt like it but it was amazing and I enjoyed it. He feels like I don't want him sometimes and has even said he thought there was someone else! lol Since the day I laid eyes on him there has never been anyone else. He stays on his side of the bed so if anything happens its not his "fault'...I get so tired of being the one to iniate things all the time. I know he loves me and enjoys sex so how do I undo the hurt I have caused him and make him understand that he is sexy and that he makes me feel awsome!


Oh my ....when I read your opening post here, this sounded A LITTLE like me & my husband .. (we had a lack of communication ONLY with sex...but it was NEVER non existent, I had too much of a drive for that !)....

.... I can tell you, if you are marreid to the type of man I am .....he takes it very very personal if you aren't "into him", you said ... *My sex drive has never been really high which has absolutely nothing to do with him *...

This may be very true but I can tell you right now... that is NOT HOW HE SEES IT. Men , becaue of their high drive for sex and need, do NOT understand women not having this craving...total disconnet....

... my husband was OVERLY sensitive in this area -- and I was near oblivious to it, and I loved sex, would chase him down after a week of not getting it .... and guess what....he still suffered. 

He started to build a silent resentment towards me (he was feeling less loved & resigned himself to wait for me to come on to him after our 5th child).... even wanted me to "suffer" like he was. 

Even the BEST of marriages can have this going on -under the surface...

When I learned of all of this, opening up the dialog years later...... Oh lord, I had a river of emotions, I cried not realizing how I hurt my husband through the years, then I was MAD at him, near furious...because he was so quiet about what he needed (more frequency) all of those years, never starting one fight over it. I even learned his sex drive slowly declined because of how he put himself down, he was never the type of man to "use" a woman -just to get off---I literally HAD to want him too -or he was out of the game, it was Hollow if I was not 'into it, into him". 

I agree with Chilly ...... Seduce him, Show him how mad you are about him, how badly you want his body, flirt with him, tease him.... MEN want to feel their wife's DESIRE for them, this makes them feel abundantly LOVED, no other area has this much POWER (I believe)......My husband alwyas felt like he loved me MORE ...until I came into my sex drive with a force that was hard to contain. Now he doesn't question these things! It has opened up his vulnerability with me, showed me a side to him I have been missing for too many years. 

Your husband needs your







...it makes a heck of a difference to (some) men ...... if you are "just pleasing" him cause he wants it....OR YOU WANT IT BADLY yourself , which =









I think my husband would wither , even get a little depressed if I couldn't orgasm, it just MEANS "the world" to him. If he is a Pleaser by nature, this is just the way HE is....I can not emphasize enough how important it is ....for YOU ...to show him passion & enthusiam in the bedroom. This will spark him up and he will feel like a new man....

It will change your marraige.


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## SprucHub (Jan 13, 2012)

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

I am the H in the relationship. I am so devestated by what is going on and what has gone on. My W thinks nothing is wrong. I brought it up, showed her that it wasn't just me to whom sex was a need and am waiting. She says she is trying, but I do not buy it (trying when it fits into your schedule is not trying anything; making time in your schedule is trying). Essentially nothing short of SA's post will turn me around. I do not like her doing something for me. If there is no desire there from her end, it is just not worth it (that was our sex life for years (she liked sex when we had it, but for the most part just did other stuff to check me off her list for a week), until I realized it and was so turned off that I can barely stand to be in the same bed). If you ask her, she is the luckiest woman in the world, happy, provided for, loved, satisfied . . . Ask me, if there were no kids, she'd need the Hubbel to find me.

If you have these feelings, make them unequivocally known. Feel good about yourself and be open. Do not expect him to talk, just make him understood that you know you hurt him.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

SprucHub, Again you and I sem to be in a similar boat. Just to clarify, when you said "I am the H in the relationship" you didn't mean with Jessie 13 did you?

I guess the one difference is that my wife does many other things for me (and of course the kids) that show me how much she does love. She just can't get her mind around the sex issue

Last night we went for some drinks and a little dancing with friends. While I was already determined that I was not going to intiate anything so maybe she'd see that it isn't always about sex on my part (me doing something would mean she'd have to put out) she thanked me for a wonderful time, put on her sweat pants and one of my old T-Shirts (at first it looked like she was going to crawl in bed with me with just a pair of her cute panties on! ) crawled into bed with me, snuggled up close and went to sleep! 

Glad I really wasn't really expecting or, I think wanting, anything to happen! Thought for a minute she was going to show me she was open to the possibility (and then I would have intiated). Oh well. Think I'll just finish reading my book tonight!


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Toffer said:


> SprucHub, Again you and I sem to be in a similar boat. Just to clarify, when you said "I am the H in the relationship" you didn't mean with Jessie 13 did you?
> 
> I guess the one difference is that my wife does many other things for me (and of course the kids) that show me how much she does love. She just can't get her mind around the sex issue
> 
> ...


Hi Toffer ~

Aaarrrghh... why didn't you just make the moves on her?

You know one thing that always gets me is how men and women just miss the mark on each other. They write about it on here and you can see it from a mile away, but when living it they don't see it at all.

If you have the kind of wife that enjoys sex once you get going, but she just doesn't seem to 'get going' on her own until you start, then you have a pretty common female sexual response dynamic. MANY women do not become aroused until after you get in to it.

Desire In Women: Does It Lead To Sex? Or Result From It? | Psychology Today

Two things you can do. Start to read up on anything you can get your hands on regarding female sexual response - google "Rosemary Basson" and start reading about how many women are responsive sexual partners, not spontaneous sexual partners (in otherwords their sexuality responds to overtures from their partners, and is not manifested spontaneously on the spur of the moment). Men are typically more spontaneous, because their large amounts of testosterone help them out there tremendously. Women have much, much lower amounts of testosterone - and some women have very paltry amounts - a bulk of which gets secreted only during ovulation - so there's not even a consistent amount on a day by day basis.

Next thing - learn how to get to the point where you are THE man in your wife's life. Why do you have to defer to her? Why can't you set an expectation that intimacy is an expected part of your life? If she says no, shrug your shoulders and say "I'll get you tomorrow baby." Pursue her. Go read "Married Man Sex Life". I think the basics that is purports are sound - especially about learning how to be a man who has his own motivation and purpose in his life.

Sorry for the threadjack, Jessie. I will get to you next...


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Jessie13 said:


> I have been married to the love of my life for almost 28 years! *I love this man more than he'll ever know. *There have been times when our sex life has been almost not existant...I think partially from lack of communication. My sex drive has never been really high which has absolutely nothing to do with him...there have been many times when I haven't really felt like it but it was amazing and I enjoyed it. He feels like I don't want him sometimes and has even said he thought there was someone else! lol Since the day I laid eyes on him there has never been anyone else. He stays on his side of the bed so if anything happens its not his "fault'...I get so tired of being the one to iniate things all the time. I know he loves me and enjoys sex so how do I undo the hurt I have caused him and make him understand that he is sexy and that he makes me feel awsome!


Hi Jessie ~

Well, you need to let that man start to KNOW how much you love him! 

I totally understand what it feels like to have a lower drive. It's a common thing with lots of women. We are just different than men. It really, really helps if you have a man who isn't afraid to 'drive' that part of the relationship. I was lucky enough to end up with that kind of guy. If I didn't end up with somebody like him, I don't know what would have happened. So, I feel blessed everyday.

Some men, though, don't understand the basic differences in drives that can exist in a man and woman and will really take a woman's lesser drive as a rejection - they feel it so deeply - sex is one of the most emotional ways that they connect with their wives. And the women will either feel guilty that they are unable to be what their husband wants or will feel that everything is okay if he simply never articulates anything.

BUT, YOU can learn how to drive if you are so motivated, even if you normally would feel better about just being a passenger. Because once the cycle starts between you, it kind of starts to become self-perpetuating. 

I found the following books to be helpful:

Amazon.com: The Sexually Confident Wife: Connecting with Your Husband Mind Body Heart Spirit: Shannon Ethridge: Books

Amazon.com: Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships (9780393334272): David Schnarch: Books

Amazon.com: Intimacy & Desire: Awaken the Passion in Your Relationship (9780825305672): David Schnarch: Books


Try and be consistent with your H. Show him with your words, your actions, and your very body that you love him. If you do this consistently - and keep doing it - and as SA said - do it with enthusiasm on your part - in time he may open back up the part of him that is being carefully hidden away because it is afraid of being hurt again.

Let the next 28 years of your marriage be blessed with this.

Best wishes.


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## Jessie13 (Feb 26, 2012)

SA thanks for your post...it sounds amazingly like my situation!


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## Jessie13 (Feb 26, 2012)

SprucHub I think he now realizes that I know I have hurt him and he knows how sorry I am for doing it. The other day he told me how he felt about a situation after I asked him to be honest. It hurt my feeling a little and I couldn't help but shed a couple of tears. He said he should have just kept his mouth shut...I told him no thats why we were at this point now! I also told him that I felt like his actions we a reaction to the past. I am blessed with an amazing husband I just wish he realized how crazy I am about him Things are getting better though!


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## Jessie13 (Feb 26, 2012)

Enchantment thank you for your post it helps to know someone knows how I feel and thanks for suggesting the books!


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

talk talk talk talk talk.

j


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Well did you attack him and ravage him to peices yet?


the longer you wait the harder it will be just jump in and do it.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Enchantment, like other men here, I have suffered from years of rejection. This issue has been discussed mant times (and we spoke about it again last night (ps, we did have a very intimate experience after 

Sometimes she really seems to get it and then it goes back to the usual dynamic. I know I have to be the intiator almost all the time (probably 98% of the time) and I have no issue with that. It's after I get shot down multiple times that I am less inclined to try


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