# Is it Really a Male Instinct?



## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Seems that most men here agree that there is a visual process that we go through when we see a woman.

Two questions:

Are there any men who DON'T do this in some manner?

And do women really NOT do this - or something similar?

In other words - is it truly a Male instinct to check out or assess women the way that we do?

DISCLAIMER - INSTINCT OR NOT - it is not an excuse to cheat or be disrespectful.


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## Craggy456 (Feb 22, 2011)

Didn't seem to matter to my stbxh. He'll f*ck anything that has a wet hole


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Craggy456 said:


> Didn't seem to matter to my stbxh. He'll f*ck anything that has a wet hole


OK - sorry - to re-focus on the question - do you think he was doing mental assessments of women? (guessing so...)

And - do YOU do ANYTHING similar yourself on a regular basis?

Also adding the disclaimer that even IF this is a MALE instinct - it does not excuse unfaithful or outright disrespectful behaviors towards women.


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## Craggy456 (Feb 22, 2011)

nice777guy said:


> OK - sorry - to re-focus on the question - do you think he was doing mental assessments of women? (guessing so...)


Sure he did. If they came off as desperate, he'd take full advantage
[/QUOTE]
And - do YOU do ANYTHING similar yourself on a regular basis?

[/QUOTE]

Not in the way of looking for sex or affection.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Craggy - my apologies to you.

Again - men are visual, etc, etc., etc - but there are no excuses.

Not all of us behave poorly. I hope you don't write off the entire gender because your husband was a a$$hole.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

i "assess" women constantly, i would NOT act upon it while married

i think women do "assess" men too, just more descreatly. hell there are threads on TAm where they are gooshing over hunky movie stars


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

nice777guy said:


> Seems that most men here agree that there is a visual process that we go through when we see a woman.
> 
> Two questions:
> 
> ...


You didn't weigh in on your thoughts on this.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> You didn't weigh in on your thoughts on this.


I assess women all the time. I addressed this on the "women and men friends" and other threads.

I don't know what women are thinking. Its hard to believe that women don't do SOMETHING similar.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

nice777guy said:


> I assess women all the time. I addressed this on the "women and men friends" and other threads.
> 
> I don't know what women are thinking. Its hard to believe that women don't do SOMETHING similar.
> 
> YOUR thoughts, Peaches?


No man is ever happy with just one woman. A sad thing I have come to realize.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> No man is ever happy with just one woman. A sad thing I have come to realize.


huh? not true, and not really sure what that has to do with this thread.

Just looking at an attractive woman has no bearing on how happy a man is with his current SO.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> No man is ever happy with just one woman. A sad thing I have come to realize.


That`s not true.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

tacoma said:


> That`s not true.


Didn't you just spend the better part of several pages in another thread defending men and variety? That was what I was getting at. If one is enough, then why need more?


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

tacoma said:


> That`s not true.


Of course not, but man-bashing is fun!


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## bubbly girl (Oct 11, 2011)

nice777guy said:


> I assess women all the time. I addressed this on the "women and men friends" and other threads.
> 
> *I don't know what women are thinking. Its hard to believe that women don't do SOMETHING similar.*YOUR thoughts, Peaches?



No we don't. LOL

Of course I can't speak for ALL women, but no when I see a goodlooking guy I'll think "he's hot." That's pretty much it.

My husband and I have had conversations about this recently and I've just come to the conclusion that men and women think very differently. When we were watching TV and a guy I think is hot was on, my hubs asked if I wonder how big he is. Umm...no. I think he's hot. If his shirt is off I think "he's got a great chest/ stomach." I don't wonder about his size, whether he grooms himself down there or what he's like in bed.

I don't have a problem with what my husband thinks when he sees women. I know guys think differently, and I know he loves me and is very attracted to me.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I can appreciate a good looking person, but that's male and female alike.


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## bubbly girl (Oct 11, 2011)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> No man is ever happy with just one woman. A sad thing I have come to realize.


I don't think that means men aren't happy with one woman. My husband might notice other women, but he's mine and mine alone. I'm not sharing him with anyone else. I'm the only one that gets to touch his body and have sex with him. I'm the only one he actually loves. That makes me feel very special. Out of all the women in the world, he chose ME to make a life with and be the only woman he has sex with.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> No man is ever happy with just one woman. A sad thing I have come to realize.


You have framed this opinion on more than one occasion.

I don't know if it's a language issue or a perception issue.

Acknowledging that a woman is attractive does not equate to being unhappy with, or finding your current partner, unattractive.

Even if a man goes as far as imagining sex with said attractive woman (and we've debated this previously) STILL does not mean that we do not desire, respect, admire, and love our current partner.

This is about disclosure. And disclosing to your female partner that you have a mental 'checklist' of 'Wow!' 'Hmmm' and 'No Way', can be problematic. It allows your partner to interpret your behavior in ways you cannot anticipate, that are seen as hurtful and lecherous, effectively meaning that by believing you are doing a 'good' thing by being open with your partner, and being honest about checking out women because of your love of and trust for her, you are instead potentially burdening her with undue concern, suspicion and possibly hurt feelings.


I don't doubt that the dynamic you have posted about in the past, happens all of the time.

Woman asks her man if he checks out other women. He says 'No'. She feels secure.

Woman continues asking same question. Eventually, due to love, trust, or drunkeness, man says, 'Yes. but you are the one I love.'
Woman feels insecure.

Both men and women do it. And they do it differently. A woman is LESS likely to do it if she is happy with her man. A man is going to do it regardless.


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## I'mAllIn (Oct 20, 2011)

Of course I look, and so do pretty much all of my girlfriends. We look, rate, admire, and then most of us go home to our husbands and a few go off and mess things up. Pretty much same as men.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

The scanner is on automatic. I don't know if the scan is for all women per se. I am guessing there are some levels going on. So some noise level cancellation. Will I know if I have just seen a very nice looking woman? Likely. I think men are sensitive to the way women look, dress, smell, move and behave. I think men are hard wired to notice "at some level" not necessarilly at the conscious level a woman who is good looking, dressed attractively and who is smiling and staring right at you. Hard not to notice that.

Does any of this indicate I am not happy with my wife? Of course not. Does any of this mean I am looking to boff someone else? No. I am not even thinking about that. If she looks really hot I might at a higher level think ... "She's hot" and move on to the next micro-second of my life. In no way do I behave in a disrespectful manner. But I notice. I suppose if I lost my nads I might not notice any more ... idunno.

I don't write my woman no more


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

I really, really try not to notice, but the moment that a woman in form fitting attire passes by ....

Squirrel!!!

(Sorry to those who have never seen the movie 'UP')


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Deejo said:


> You have framed this opinion on more than one occasion.
> 
> I don't know if it's a language issue or a perception issue.
> 
> ...


Suffice it to say that my experience has framed my opinion as have every boyfriend I have ever had. In reading here, my suspicions are confirmed. 
I need to stay off this thread.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

i can absolutely guarantee that if i was sexually satisfied at home i would look far far less


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## I'mAllIn (Oct 20, 2011)

bubbly girl said:


> No we don't. LOL
> 
> Of course I can't speak for ALL women, but no when I see a goodlooking guy I'll think "he's hot." That's pretty much it.
> 
> ...


Well here's proof positive that women are not all the same any more than I think men are.
When I see a seriously hot guy, I mean a freaking 12, I absolutely do think I bet he's huge/would be great in bed/what I wouldn't give for just a taste of that. Great example is the movie Fast Five-seriously better than porn for me. Yet in spite of my visual nature and vivid imagination I've remained faithful to my husband. I don't think you can say guys think differently or all guys think the same or all women are less visual or any of those things. Everyone's different.


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## ReasonableMan (Oct 18, 2011)

I agree with what many of the guys have said here. Men are going to look. From what I've seen and read, women look as well. I think Deejo is right that men look regardless, whereas women may look for other reasons that have to do with her happiness in other areas. 

One thing I've read (and I have no link to this) is that women also tend to make more out of an encounter with an attractive other man even if these encounters are more rare for them. The study showed that whereas men look more (and look more often) than women do, women actually remember a given man for some time after he makes an impression on her. In some cases he becomes part of her "ideal man" concept that she recalls later when certain thoughts arise. 

Whereas for men, it was shown that though we are more thorough in our "checking out" of another woman, most of the time (though of course not always) once she was out of sight, she's also out of mind. I think this rings true for me. I may think that a woman is hot, but she's quickly forgotten and I move on to thinking about football or the next hot woman I see. Apparently women don't work this way and keep those few men who really appeal to them floating around in their memories. But that was just one study.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> Didn't you just spend the better part of several pages in another thread defending men and variety?


No I didn`t.
I`ve never given the "variety" argument for porn.
It`s stupid.




> That was what I was getting at. If one is enough, then why need more?


You`re equating porn with actual women.
Stop that, and lets not threadjack this OP.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Women look just as much as men do.

Men are just usually too oblivious to notice them looking.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

I assess everyone. I thought we all do? Don't we assess every aspect of our environment all the time?

I don't think about men sexually though if that's the question. I mean, I'm certainly not looking at their package or their abs or their shoulders...I am looking at their appearance overall and taking in details, their face and how it moves, their mannerisms, how they speak and what they say. Then I make judgments. I do this all the time with everyone and then re-assess my judgment each interaction I have with them. I store all of this in my handy dandy database of a brain which seems to have room for countless amounts of information.

I can say that I've never, ever assessed a guy for sexual satisfaction alone or pictured myself having sex with them. Even when I masturbate, I always use images from past sexual encounters with my husband or things I want him to do to me but don't have the courage to ask for, etc.

Even my fascination with Johnny Depp is not sexual, it's fascination more than sexual in nature.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I think there's a difference of looking and acknowledging someone is attractive and looking and winking or trying to get their attention.

We are not blind. We know what we find ugly and beautiful (for our own taste)...I see attractive people all the time. I don't think about sex with them, but I can't deny they are attractive.

My husband does the same, I'm sure. We just don't talk about it. Who cares just so long as neither of us is making a big production abotu someone we saw who was "sooo hot" or whatever. lol. But my husband does it for me where looks are concerned. many times I find myself comparing someone attractive to my husband. Hubs always wins


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Trenton said:


> I assess everyone. I thought we all do? Don't we assess every aspect of our environment all the time?
> 
> I don't think about men sexually though if that's the question. I mean, I'm certainly not looking at their package or their abs or their shoulders...I am looking at their appearance overall and taking in details, their face and how it moves, their mannerisms, how they speak and what they say. Then I make judgments. I do this all the time with everyone and then re-assess my judgment each interaction I have with them. I store all of this in my handy dandy database of a brain which seems to have room for countless amounts of information.
> 
> ...


Yea. This.


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## Soccerfan73 (Jul 30, 2011)

I enjoy looking at good looking women. 

But it doesn't mean I try to jump everyone I see. I actually am able to control myself! LOL


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I'll have to rent that movie "Fast Five" when I get Netflix again. I enjoy a good R rated or Unrated movie better than porn anyway. 

I am more like a man. Excuse me for rambling about this a million times. For me, depending on my horniness level at the time - what is happening in the brain -would determine my looking /ogling of men around me- whereever I may be. 

For a short time - I was an walking ogler.... I was seriously undressing every man I seen out & about, my mind felt like it was hijacked. (this was so NOT like me)!

If someone could have opened my head up & viewed what was going on, it would have been a dirty mindfield -or terribly embarrassing ! For me.... It had literally nothing to do with my love for my husband, or the health of our marraige , this was a different animal entirely........

.....at the same time, I was eyeing him up & down every moment he was near, hands roaming, waiting for him to walk through that door so I could attack him. My head peeking out of the covers just to gawk at him getting dressed every morning with "mmmmm" sounds licking my lips, I was constantly trying to lure him into bed, in the bathroom, I didn't care! 

He never cared how much I looked, he found it amusing. The more horny I was, the more action he got , that was his attitude, he has never worried about me straying. I am just a very expressive sharer of my dirty thoughts - but very very faithful to my man.

I do not notice guys now with that intensity -as I was , my sex drive has plummeted since that time, I am back from the clouds, less antsy, less sexually raring to go. Though I miss that a little. Even my orgasms were more intense back then, the connection was outrageously obvious. It was the entering of "CougarVille" or something from the Twilight Zone.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I look and I feel nothing.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

SimplyAmorous said:


> .....at the same time, I was eyeing him up & down every moment he was near, hands roaming, waiting for him to walk through that door so I could attack him. My head peeking out of the covers just to gawk at him getting dressed every morning with "mmmmm" sounds licking my lips, I was constantly trying to lure him into bed, in the bathroom, I didn't care!


To me - that's where the real problem is. So many of us at some point begin taking what we have for granted.

I'm not about to do an about-face and take blame for my marriage crashing and burning - but I do recognize now that I could have been more passionate!

Regardless - I think my wife still would have had her little MLC and gone bat$hit anyway. But - I probably missed out on a lot of good sex during all of those good years.

I don't think my looking at others ever really bothered my (STBX)W - but I think I understimated how important it was to remember to look at her more often too...


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

nice777guy said:


> To me - that's where the real problem is. So many of us at some point begin taking what we have for granted.
> 
> I'm not about to do an about-face and take blame for my marriage crashing and burning - but I do recognize now that I could have been more passionate!
> 
> ...



I think this is a good observation Nice Guy. I can honestly say when I took my husband for granted, I was NOT looking anywhere else at all -it was all about kids, projects, Church, busyness, absolutely nothing sexually related whatsoever, there was Zero roaming of eyes from my end. When they roamed, I used him to the maximum, ha ha It was Passion overload. 

If I was doing that and not into him, yeah, that would be a REAL problem , something would be majorly off.


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## OOE (Mar 17, 2011)

nice777guy said:


> In other words - is it truly a Male instinct to *check out or assess* women the way that we do?


Let me start out by saying that my brain first read the bolded text as, "check out asses." :rofl:

Yes, there's wiring in our brains that draws our eyes towards beauty.

However, just as we don't automatically punch someone in the face when we get angry, we should be able to control the urge to stare.

If I'm with my GF, I lock my eyes on hers. It's a conscious choice, and she appreciates it. Even more so if the woman in question is flaunting it.


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## iDeal (Oct 25, 2011)

okeydokie said:


> i can absolutely guarantee that if i was sexually satisfied at home i would look far far less


That's messed up...



I'mAllIn said:


> Of course I look, and so do pretty much all of my girlfriends. We look, rate, admire, and then most of us go home to our husbands and a few go off and mess things up. Pretty much same as men.


That's messed up...


I don't understand if this "assessing" is on a sexual level or if you are asking whether we just notice women?

I NEVER think about other women sexually, let alone look at them the wrong way. i find it disrespectful towards my wife (even if she is not there), unnecessary and shameful of me if i did. in a way, i would be letting my wife and my self down and while at it i would feel like the love we have in our marriage, what we stand for is all a sham? 

Its to the extent that i do not pay any attention to women, not because i feel like i have to because of my wife or consequences, rather my own ethics.

I can only be attracted to ONE woman at a time, and that is my wife.

Being a 100% honest here, i find my wife ten times more attractive and arousing than any other woman on earth. Thus she has a place in my heart that no other woman can fill, not visually, nor emotionally.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

There was a thread on this subject here >>>> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/24519-way-men-really-think-13.html (so many pages of responses!)...where a ton of men answered what goes through thier brains.... the majority of men seemed to agree with this - I felt this was the most balanced answer on there.... trying to explain that mental MALE instinct you are asking about Nice Guy.....



> *Originally Posted by unbelievable *I have already said that fixating on a woman (ie, imaging an actual sex act with her or fantasizing about her stripping) is a bit creepy and, of course, that is a choice. My point is that there is an immediate "yes", "no", "Maybe if I was drunk" sort of selection going on for the briefest of nanoseconds in every male brain (at least the straight ones).
> 
> Having been male for nearly 50 years, I have been "listening" to "yep", "nope", "no way in hell", etc every day for at least 40 years. Of the thousands of guys I have worked and lived closely with, they all seem to have the same thing going on.
> 
> Naturally, only a creton would attempt to act on those thoughts and one would be sort of a perv to dwell on the subject and create disgusting mental scenarios. I'm a Christian and I'm married. Neither experience rendered me blind or oblivious to my surroundings. The OP asked how men thought and I've given the most honest answer I can


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

iDeal said:


> That's messed up...
> 
> I can only be attracted to ONE woman at a time, and that is my wife.
> 
> Being a 100% honest here, i find my wife ten times more attractive and arousing than any other woman on earth. Thus she has a place in my heart that no other woman can fill, not visually, nor emotionally.


Sounds like you are describing commitment ... not attraction. I still find my ex very attractive and arousing, more so than most other women, but I chalk that up to having been pair-bonded. Even when we were happily married, I still found other women _attractive_.

If you are saying that your mind shuts out all signals of acknowledgment that another female is attractive and arousing, well ... that's messed up 



SimplyAmorous said:


> There was a thread on this subject here >>>> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/24519-way-men-really-think-13.html (so many pages of responses!)...where a ton of men answered what goes through thier brains.... the majority of men seemed to agree with this - I felt this was the most balanced answer on there.... trying to explain that mental MALE instinct you are asking about Nice Guy.....


Yup, I thought Unbelievable summed it up best as well. We then deemed it 'The Checklist'. It is primarily an unconscious activity. It seldom remains 'present' in your mind and generally does not, as UB pointed out, translate into actively sexualizing or fantasizing about the woman. That is distinctly something else, and if you ARE in a committed relationship, I would agree is not a good thing.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

I 'assess' both men and women. By that I mean I notice if someone is attractive - and I will notice their clothes, hair, face - SHOES .

It doesn't deviate into anything sexual for me personally - I don't wonder about men's 'packages' or how they would perform. Don't think about that at all - don't even really care.

However, I will admit that I have met and seen very many couples together, and sometimes I will wonder what they actually see in each other and what their lives (including their sex lives) are like. It's more just from an observer perspective.

I think people are fascinating, in both good and bad ways, and I tend to be a people watcher.


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## joshbjoshb (Jul 11, 2011)

I think many people confuse between assessing and being attracted. 

I believe that women look all the time at men, but not always in a sexual nature rather in a analyzing nature. They notice how he looks, if he is fit, etc But they do not feel so much physical attraction (i.e. they are not being aroused by just looking at a good looking guy), That it, most women.

I think that by men it's different. You can be the most faithful husband, and yet when you see an attractive lady you are becoming aroused even if you don't think about sex... something about the look, maybe the smell or the clothing. It just happens and you can't control it even if you want.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

joshbjoshb said:


> I think that by men it's different. You can be the most faithful husband, and yet when you see an attractive lady you are becoming aroused even if you don't think about sex... something about the look, maybe the smell or the clothing. It just happens and you can't control it even if you want.


'Aroused' is a term that implies sexualizing. 

If I see a woman that I find attractive, it does not translate into being sexually aroused.

Arousal for me personally, is not passive. To be aroused, the thoughts must move into the active mind. And again, personally speaking, this is rare.


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## iDeal (Oct 25, 2011)

Deejo said:


> Sounds like you are describing commitment ... not attraction. I still find my ex very attractive and arousing, more so than most other women, but I chalk that up to having been pair-bonded. Even when we were happily married, I still found other women _attractive_.
> 
> If you are saying that your mind shuts out all signals of acknowledgment that another female is attractive and arousing, well ... that's messed up


There just isn't anything to acknowledge... i do not find any other woman but my wife attractive.i don't turn my head at women, i don't acknowledge them in the slightest unless they somehow get in my way (not because im in a relationship but i just don't do it, why should i look over or pay attention to other women?) if a woman is worth my attention (a friend of mine or a friend of my wife's or someone who strikes up a convo etc...) for a split second i may think "shes pretty" and that's it, and i can honestly say that i dont check out asses or bewbs.

BUT i do perv on my wife....


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## LimboGirl (Oct 28, 2011)

nice777guy said:


> Seems that most men here agree that there is a visual process that we go through when we see a woman.
> 
> Two questions:
> 
> ...


Okay, here goes. I instantly know if someone is attractive male or female, but I don't always fully acknowledge it. As a woman, I admit there have been times when I have wondered how a man would be in bed. It's not something that happens with every man, though. When it happens with a stranger it is rare and surprising.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

iDeal said:


> There just isn't anything to acknowledge... i do not find any other woman but my wife attractive.i don't turn my head at women, i don't acknowledge them in the slightest unless they somehow get in my way (not because im in a relationship but i just don't do it, why should i look over or pay attention to other women?) if a woman is worth my attention (a friend of mine or a friend of my wife's or someone who strikes up a convo etc...) for a split second i may think "shes pretty" and that's it, and i can honestly say that i dont check out asses or bewbs.
> 
> BUT i do perv on my wife....


sounds like your mind is really working hard to water attraction down - you even contradict yourself by saying that 'only' your W is attractive while also acknowledging for a split second you may find someone else 'pretty'. I personally don't see how it is healthy to ignore what thoughts come across your mind, simply acknowledge your humanity and choose to act based on your morals (as you obviously want to).


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Married Man Sex Life: Bare New Zealand...


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Entropy3000 said:


> Married Man Sex Life: Bare New Zealand...


What retainer did Athol pay you and how much do you make per book sale?


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> What retainer did Athol pay you and how much do you make per book sale?


I just always figured that you were Jennifer.


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## Mephisto (Feb 20, 2011)

I assess basically every person I cross paths with. friend/foe, to trust or not to trust, threat level. This is not second nature, this is nature. We all do it every single day a thousand times over. We assess people and situations to adapt our responses appropriately. 

As to the sexual "ogling" that people are talking about, unless you are blind, you will notice beauty, regardless of your claims, it registers. It is human nature. I think the more pertinent question on this is whether or not you let your mind stay on that person and fantasize about any of their other qualities, package size, personal grooming, sexual appetites, marital status or availability, kinks and quirks. How far do you let your imagination run while looking at a particular individual?


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

I absolutely don't assess men. It doesn't occur to me to do it. I didn't do it when I was single, either, though. 

I don't know if my husband assesses women. I notice attractive women, and will glance at him out of the corner of my eye, and so far I've never even so much as caught him looking at the one I was noticing.

I'm not a very visual person, though. I think my husband is the hottest guy on the planet, and pretty much all my girlfriends think he's "meh". I'm also legally blind without glasses LOL.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Like I said it's a reflex. But at this point it really doesn't register consciously let alone with any physical or emotive trigger. I'm more likely to pay attention to someone who's a bit off or odd or dressed like they're insane than I am someone reasonably well put together. And I'm a little bit fat phobic and given that most people are overweight it's a big turn off.


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