# Sexually frustrated...add me to the list



## Tango in Triple Time (Jul 14, 2015)

Sex with my husband has never been great, but in the beginning I thought we’d figure each other out, and it would be as great as it has been with other men. The quality as well as the frequency has never been there. He was 5 years out of a marriage that was sexless the last 3 years, which should have been my first clue. He said it didn’t bother him as the sex had never been very good with his exwife. He’d only dated one person for a couple of months in those 5 years of being divorced. He was busy being a dad and wasn’t really interested in dating at that time. 

We’ve been together 4 years now, the sex is decidedly not better, the frequency is even less, and I’m struggling. I don’t know what else to try. The first year I jokingly would comment on the frequency and he would always have excuses, mostly he’s tired. He suggested I initiate more often, and get him in the mood. I was initiating, but doubled my efforts. Typical scenario is I suggest we go to bed a bit early as I kiss him lightly on the mouth, on the face, towards his ear and say how’s that sound? Sure, sounds fine and turns towards the tv. Or a sexy text in the day (can’t wait to see you naked tonight), to which I’d get an OK text back. Of course when we finally get to bed, he’s tired, yawn…..and zzzzz. 

Being subtle didn’t work. I can do not subtle. So next I try getting in bed, not asking just start stroking him, licking him, he gets hard, and ….lays there expecting me to finish him. Never touching me at all. At first I would, thinking I’ll show him how great it can be and he’ll want to have sex more. Kept this up for many months, how dumb is that? Didn’t happen that he suddenly had some passion for me.

About the only time we have sex is on the weekend mornings that he is off. Of course, there isn't any kissing. Sigh. Yes, I mentioned that as well. So sometimes we have sex 2 times a week, sometimes just 1. I know this frequency isn’t bad to some people, but it is for me, especially since there isn't any real passion. God, he's just boring. And I can only do so much. I'm getting irritated just typing this. 

I just do not know what to do anymore. Last night we had the discussion again, that I want more sex. The only reason we had this discussion was he asked what was wrong. I said, I'm sexually frustrated. Again he said, initiate more! I laughed (cried inside), and reminded him how that’s been working great for him, but hasn’t done a thing for me. Long long discussion, which I ended after asking him for suggestions on how to change things, to which he replied, I don't know. You are the one with the problem, not me. I stared at him, shook my head as tears poured down my face and walked way. I hate that I get so upset and cry, then I can't even speak. 

Outside of this, our relationship is very good. He does his share of the housework, he prefers to spend his free time with me (I’m the one that needs a little space) and he’s a genuine good husband. He said to me last night, as he snuggled up with me in bed, isn’t snuggling like this enough? I wish it was, but no it’s not. I took my pillows and slept in the guest room, once again being the reject. 

He texted me this morning saying he was sorry I was so sexually frustrated and would work on the problem. He’s said this before, it gets better, then ends up worse than ever. We are in our early 50’s. I’m honestly hoping my sex drive will nose dive really soon. 

In the meantime, what are the coping strategies I could try? I’m surprised to see so many people here with the same situation. I know now that I should have bailed out in the first few months, but I had never been in a relationship that the sex didn’t improve over time. But I didn’t bail out, and now I just need to learn to cope somehow.


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

Once or twice a week isn't horrendous, how often would be enough? Would 2 to 3 be workable for you? Schedule a night midweek so he know Wed. or whatever it is his job to initiate. Put it on the calendar on his phone with a 4 hour advance notice. DING, gotta connect with the wife tonight . 

As far as no kissing goes, put some demands on that. 

Are these weekenders in the morning, I think that is kind of normal. I'm in that age bracket and I am much more up for it in the morning than late at night when I am ready for sleep. So, on the mid week time start earlier and don't wait all the way till the normal bedtime.


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## Tango in Triple Time (Jul 14, 2015)

It's been two weeks now, so we are sliding down hill. 

How do you demand someone kiss you? I've asked him, do i have bad breath? Am I a bad kisser? What's with the no oral from you? Yes, no oral sex or kissing. I am very clean, in fact I'm paranoid about it now because I've never had anyone not love kissing and oral sex, so I've wondered is it me? He says I'm fine. He's a very lazy lover.


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## Tango in Triple Time (Jul 14, 2015)

I stopped the bj's a few months ago.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Tango in Triple Time said:


> Sex with my husband has never been great
> 
> ...He was 5 years out of a marriage that was sexless the last 3 years, which should have been my first clue. He said it didn’t bother him as the sex had never been very good with his exwife....
> 
> ...


First, I would suggest you get a copy of MW Davis book the Sex Starved Marriage or the Sex Starved Wife and read it carefully.

Second, I would suggest you tell you H that you would like the two of you to go to a Sex Therapist together, not because he is broke and needs fixing and not because you are broken and need fixing, but because the two of you need help in reconnecting and finding a compromise that can work for the both of you.

David Schnarch in his book the Passionate Marriage says that there is a High Demand and Low Demand aspect to all things in a marriage. He also feels that marriage is very hard because each member of the couple is growing and pushing or pulling the other along, such that each is stretching and growing and trying to find new compromises that bond them together. One of his famous examples is that one partner may love chocolate ice cream for dessert every night and the other partner may hate chocolate ice cream but will have vanilla ice cream for dessert once a week. There is not right amount of chocolate ice cream or ice cream in a "good" marriage, it is all about compromise and what works for the couple. Likewise there is no "right amount of sex" in a good marriage, the frequency, quality, variety is a compromise that may work at one age and not at another and so needs to be periodically addressed.

After reading that to my wife, she agreed to go to a Sex Therapist that helped save our marriage. She had rightly felt that she with her very LD and inhibitions was not "broken" and in need of fixing. She went because she loved me and understood that it would benefit "us." 

In some respects you H told you correctly that this is YOUR problem. He also told you that he is willing to work on it. Now you need to guide him into his growth, learning, stretching, and new compromise as you grow, learn, stretch and compromise.

MW Davis believes in first fixing yourself, working on changing yourself and the way you are viewed by your spouse. She also has lots of suggestions on how one partner can change the dynamic in a relationship. It might not always be an improvement, but with trial and error you can improve your situation if you spouse is willing to change, but it has to be change that they initiate (you can encourage positive changes).

For me in my road to recovery from an SSM, I first fixed myself by Getting a Life (code words in the MW Davis book) and then providing my wife with unconditional love so she felt loved and cherished. That gave her the safety to explore change on her part. The Sex Therapist really helped expedite the change on my wife's part, but it involved soul search for both of us and compromise and exploring options on my part as well.

Good luck,


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

There are so many possible reasons as to why he is like this. He sounds extremely LD or maybe even asexual based on his sexual history.

It really isn't you. I think he loves you but he is not being HONEST with you about his sexuality.

If you can't get him to really communicate about this & he continues to say "it is your problem, not mine" then addition to a sexual problem, you have a huge communication problem. I am so sorry, but you really don't have a great marriage.

Stop trying so hard. It is only frustrating both of you. I wonder if he would consider marriage counseling?


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Tango in Triple Time said:


> I stopped the bj's a few months ago.


Put yourself inside your H's mind. Do you think he noticed your stopping giving him bj's? IF you were him and his wife stopped this do you think he would take it as a signal that her feelings for him are less or she cares less about pleasing him? How would such feeling make you feel about doing things you know she wants you to do?

This is part of the "dance" that MW Davis talks about where couples push each other away and create a downward spiral that leads to divorce. If one partner chooses to stop doing the dance, then things can be reversed, but it takes one partner to be dedicated to saving the marriage and even then it may not be saved, but at least it has a chance.

Whether you want to believe it or not, you are part of the problem. 

Good luck.


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## Tango in Triple Time (Jul 14, 2015)

Wait a minute. I DID give him bj's for almost 4 years, with oral from him less than a dozen times. I did this to encourage good sexual attention between us. I got NOTHING sexual in return, and I started resenting giving giving giving. So I stopped them. How is that encouraging a downward spiral? I'm tired of giving giving giving. This is not a one way street.


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## Tango in Triple Time (Jul 14, 2015)

Young at Heart - I fully understand I'm part of the problem and I'm more than willing to work on it. But I can't do it alone. 

What exactly are you suggesting I've done by stopping the bj's?


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Young at Heart said:


> Put yourself inside your H's mind. Do you think he noticed your stopping giving him bj's? IF you were him and his wife stopped this do you think he would take it as a signal that her feelings for him are less or she cares less about pleasing him? How would such feeling make you feel about doing things you know she wants you to do?
> 
> This is part of the "dance" that MW Davis talks about where couples push each other away and create a downward spiral that leads to divorce. If one partner chooses to stop doing the dance, then things can be reversed, but it takes one partner to be dedicated to saving the marriage and even then it may not be saved, but at least it has a chance.
> 
> ...


sorry, i disagree. she is not part of the problem, at least in this respect. when a man gets married, unless he's a complete dolt, he KNOWS that sex will, should, better be about sex to a large degree.

in my mind no getting around that. that's the truth, plain and simple, and he's being a lazy, foolish dolt and as one of the above posters hinted at, he knows this at some level and chooses to deflect the issue to her. selfish and childish. step up to the plate man-boy or don't get married!

however...............I do understand maybe what you are saying (and maybe the author you refer to) is that the truth and reality do not necessarily intertwine. the truth is he is a lazy dolt in denial. the reality is; so what....that doesn't solve the problem.

i get that, so maybe in that sense she could be doing things that she's not and that makes her 'part of the problem'.

since he is being a bum, she has to carry the water up the hill?

doesn't change the truth though


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Young at Heart said:


> Tango in Triple Time said:
> 
> 
> > I stopped the bj's a few months ago.
> ...


Ummm. What about the fact that she gave them for 4 years UNRECIPROCATED? What about her feelings? The fact that it was one sided for 4 years surely made HER feel that he doesn't care about HER. I sure wouldn't continue, either!!


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Tango in Triple Time said:


> Young at Heart - I fully understand I'm part of the problem and I'm more than willing to work on it. But I can't do it alone.
> 
> What exactly are you suggesting I've done by stopping the bj's?


One of the strengths of the MW Davis SSM and Divorce Busting method is that one partner can change things "alone." But not in the typical way. For example, when I was in an SSM, I started treating my wife differently in a way that she could no longer give her normal response, she would have to change how she responded. It could be for the better or not, that would be up to her, but it would be different. MW Davis points out and encourages you to do 180's that change the way your partner has to treat you, but allows your partner to chose what that change is. Depending on what they do you either provide them with reinforcement for a change you like or modify your 180 so they have to do something different again. You keep that trial and error 180 process up until much like Skinner or Pavlov you teach your "dog of a husband" new tricks that you like. :wink2:

In my SSM, I was the one who was HD and my wife was the one refusing to have sex with me. I decided that I wanted to give it one last chance at saving the marriage and staying with the woman I loved, but who made me feel miserable. Was it fair or one-sided that I had to fix things? Maybe, but I ultimately realized that I was part of the problem and so I should be part of the solution. I did everything in my power to fix myself and my marriage and with the help of a sex therapist, my wife decided to make changes that did save our marriage and bring us closer together.

What am I suggesting you have done. I am suggesting you have, by dropping the bj's, taken an active part in the relationship downward dance that MW Davis talks about. You and you H can either keep dancing and keep hurting each other or one or both can stop and try fixing things. 

Let me give you an example from my life. According to Chapman's 5 languages of love, I am a touch and words of affirmation love language guy. That means I need "touch" (which is not sex) and words of affirmation (praise) to feel loved and cherished. In college I had a girlfriend who twisted me around her fingers. She would sit on my lap, run her fingers through the hair on my head and tell me I was the smartest and most hard working man she had ever met. I felt I was in heaven with that woman. Things didn't work out, but she knew how to make me feel loved and cherished in my love languages. During my SSM, my wife made sure I was never touched by her, even accidently and that she really didn't praise me for much.

After reading Chapmans 5LL book, I learned that my wife's LL's are acts of service and quality time. As something that my wife views as an act of service, each morning I bring her a cup of coffee in bed for her and a cup for me. We start the day by slowly waking up drinking coffee in bed together. Then after she is awake, we talk about what we are going to do today. That way I make sure she starts each day with an act of service from me and some quality time with me. She feel loved and cherished by what I do. It often leads to sex on the weekends.

One of the things I learned from Glover's book No More Mr Nice Guy was that I was (no longer) a Nice Guy and as such I did a lot of covert contracts. In my example above, I bring my wife coffee and make sure we share some quality time with absolutely no expectation for any kind of quid-pro-quo. That is I provide my wife with unconditional love. I don't expect anything in return. If I expected something in return my wife of 44+ years would know and feel that I was trying to use her not that I was making her feel loved and cherished.

No look over your post, where you say


> I DID give him bj's for almost 4 years, with oral from him less than a dozen times. I did this to encourage good sexual attention between us. I got NOTHING sexual in return, and I started resenting giving giving giving. So I stopped them. How is that encouraging a downward spiral? I'm tired of giving giving giving. This is not a one way street.


Ask yourself about your motivations in the above post. You are rightfully angry at the way you have been treated, but if you want your marriage to improve you need to drop that anger, because he knows it and it will not help you at all.

A healthy marriage is not a one way street it is about each partner focusing on the other. However, a good marriage is also not a "if you want me to do y, then you have better do x in return." Such an exchange, especially if it is not stated is called a covert contract by Glover. So if you don't tell him that you are withholding BJ's because he is not doing x,y,or z then not only have you participated in the dance discussed by MW Davis, but you have put him in the position of being a mind reader to solve things. 

He will spot the change and know their is a problem, but he will have to guess at what he needs to do to solve things. He also won't feel real loved in the process.

Again, what worked for me in my SSM was to drop my anger, fix myself, provide my wife with unconditional love, support her positive changes, bring in a change agent (a Sex Therapist) to expedite change, be willing to compromise to find solutions that would work for the best of us and promise myself that if it didn't work I would move on and find love in another marriage. 

I could have just felt like the victim, a financially successful man whose wife refused to have sex with him. Instead I wanted to try once last chance to fix our marriage. You mileage may vary.

Good luck.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Livvie said:


> Ummm. What about the fact that she gave them for 4 years UNRECIPROCATED? What about her feelings? The fact that it was one sided for 4 years surely made HER feel that he doesn't care about HER. I sure wouldn't continue, either!!


She doesn't need to continue. She can divorce him and move on.

However, if she doesn't want that, she does need to be part of the solution. She gets to choose what she really wants. I was just trying to share what I learned the hard way.

When I dealt with my children or I deal with employees that have not done well, I learned long ago to focus on the future not the past, as I can't change the past. That doesn't mean you can't fire a bad employee, but if you want to keep them, then you need to let go of the past and focus on the future.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

jorgegene said:


> however...............I do understand maybe what you are saying (and maybe the author you refer to) is that the truth and reality do not necessarily intertwine. the truth is he is a lazy dolt in denial. the reality is; so what....that doesn't solve the problem.
> 
> i get that, so maybe in that sense she could be doing things that she's not and that makes her 'part of the problem'.
> 
> ...


That is more of what I was trying to tell her.

I would add one additional observation and that is that they are not in a Sex Starved Marriage. He is having sex with her, just not at the frequency and quality that she would like. He is therefore making some effort, maybe not as much as she wants or deserves, but he might not be the "bum" "lazy lover" he is being made out to be. They may need a "neutral party" like a sex therapist to wade in and help figure out a compromise that can work for both of them or provide the H with some educational materials so he can provide the quality she wants. Such things may be beyond the wife to do in a way that the H can accept.


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

does he have low T? Going sexless for awhile and not having an issue with it suggests low T.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Young at Heart said:


> That is more of what I was trying to tell her.
> 
> I would add one additional observation and that is that they are not in a Sex Starved Marriage. He is having sex with her, just not at the frequency and quality that she would like. He is therefore making some effort, maybe not as much as she wants or deserves, but he might not be the "bum" "lazy lover" he is being made out to be. They may need a "neutral party" like a sex therapist to wade in and help figure out a compromise that can work for both of them or provide the H with some educational materials so he can provide the quality she wants. Such things may be beyond the wife to do in a way that the H can accept.


yes, maybe calling him a 'bum' is a bit harsh, after all, we don't even know the guy.

however, i get real peeee'od when i hear men or women obviously avoiding sex, or slacking off big time without a valid reason just to please themselves. of course we're tired sometimes. of course it's not the right timing sometimes. of course some of us need sex more often than others. i get that.

but when the dude says to his wife " I don't know. You are the one with the problem, not me" that tells me he's coming from a place of selfishness and immaturity, and also, that he is deflecting the issue on her. VERY immature.

there's a pattern here and if she's being as objective as she sounds to me, he is a lazy @#$%. maybe not a bum, but somthin.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

i will also add, you are right that 1/time/week is not really a big problem. 

the problem is not even kissing while making love even when asked? this guy is not trying in ernest to please his wife.


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## Seppuku (Sep 22, 2010)

Your husband sounds a lot like my wife. Sadly, the LD spouse is usually oblivious to the harm they are causing. I used to get a lot of the exact same responses - you have to get me in the mood, I'm just tired, and the big one: "you're making a big deal about nothing."

I recall setting up some time, putting our then only child to sleep early, making dinner, candles, soft music, massage - the works; all of the things she told me would get her going. Do you know what she did? She put her hand on my chest after I'd spent 20 minutes massaging her, and told me that she's tired, and asked if we can do it in the morning.

Of course morning came and went and I remained frustrated.

So I said all that because I want you to know that there is hope - my sex life is a little better than it was, she doesn't reject me as much as she used to. I'd say it was about 95% rejection at its worst, so eventually I just stopped initiating. Now it's maybe 70% rejection.

What did I do? I just kept communicating to her how her rejection affected me, that it was important to me to connect with her in that way. Its getting there, I hope.

You're approach might have to be a little different - is he a "chaser?". If so, start going out with friends and just tell him you're going out. See if he asks where or with whom. Don't tell him. Be gone for two or three hours and don't call him, but don't ignore his calls either. You might have to do this a few times before he wakes up and starts wondering what's going on.


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## Seppuku (Sep 22, 2010)

Tango in Triple Time said:


> Wait a minute. I DID give him bj's for almost 4 years, with oral from him less than a dozen times. I did this to encourage good sexual attention between us. I got NOTHING sexual in return, and I started resenting giving giving giving. So I stopped them. How is that encouraging a downward spiral? I'm tired of giving giving giving. This is not a one way street.


Wow - just had to say this sounds like my situation, always giving and very very rarely receiving.

Has he noticed that you've stopped? If he doesn't care then maybe he is asexual and really doesn't care either way.

If that's the case and that's his normal, then you have to decide if you want to stay with him.


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## Tango in Triple Time (Jul 14, 2015)

jorgegene said:


> i will also add, you are right that 1/time/week is not really a big problem.
> 
> the problem is not even kissing while making love even when asked? this guy is not trying in ernest to please his wife.


It's only a big issue if my level of desire is at 4-5 times a week, which it is easily.


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## Tango in Triple Time (Jul 14, 2015)

Seppuku said:


> Wow - just had to say this sounds like my situation, always giving and very very rarely receiving.
> 
> Has he noticed that you've stopped? If he doesn't care then maybe he is asexual and really doesn't care either way.
> 
> If that's the case and that's his normal, then you have to decide if you want to stay with him.


He's noticed definitely, but he would never ask why, just as he's never asked for one, but responds instantly if I start. He is oddly uncomfortable talking about sex. I say odd, maybe he isn't and I'm just too comfortable about it.


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## Tango in Triple Time (Jul 14, 2015)

Young at Heart said:


> First, I would suggest you get a copy of MW Davis book the Sex Starved Marriage or the Sex Starved Wife and read it carefully.
> 
> Second, I would suggest you tell you H that you would like the two of you to go to a Sex Therapist together, not because he is broke and needs fixing and not because you are broken and need fixing, but because the two of you need help in reconnecting and finding a compromise that can work for the both of you.
> 
> ...


I appreciate your long thought out response even if I don't agree with some of the things you say. I have a life, a very successful career, large loving family, many friends, a great husband, and activities I enjoy. You don't know me other than what I've said here, and getting a life has nothing to do with the sex issue. Maybe I'm not understanding what you meant. 

The ice cream - great example except I'm not trying to get him to eat the chocolate ice cream every day, but he could go to the ice cream shop a few times a week with me. 

My husband does feel loved unconditionally, as do I from him. I feel rejected and sexually frustrated, I know he does not do this on purpose to make me feel this way. It hurts him to see me frustrated, and it causes disharmony but it doesn't change my love for him.

The man is absolutely crazy about me, spends all his free time with me, and on and on and on. He's not as sexual as me. That is by far our biggest challenge. He's not a jerk or a bum. He is a lazy lover, but I think in HIS mind he's tries really hard. He would be shocked if he knew I thought him lazy.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Tango in Triple Time said:


> He's noticed definitely, but he would never ask why, just as he's never asked for one, but responds instantly if I start. He is oddly uncomfortable talking about sex. I say odd, maybe he isn't and I'm just too comfortable about it.


There it is again - lack of communication.

It's not you honey & don't let him get away with telling you it is. That is passive-aggressive & disrespectful.

I really do think you need to get him in front of a counselor so he/she can get him to talk. If he is uncomfortable, maybe the right counselor can gently guide him. Good luck.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Tango in Triple Time said:


> Wait a minute. I DID give him bj's for almost 4 years, with oral from him less than a dozen times. I did this to encourage good sexual attention between us. I got NOTHING sexual in return, and I started resenting giving giving giving. So I stopped them. How is that encouraging a downward spiral? I'm tired of giving giving giving. This is not a one way street.


I was in the same boat as you and did the same thing. Bjs for years. Giving them didn't help fix our sex life and stopping them didn't make him suddenly wake up and be a good lover but don't start giving again, it makes things worse for yourself. 

I'm still having issues with quality of sex so I wish I could tell you what works to fix a lazy partner. I've written him a NSFW sex story about how I'd prefer the session go. I've shown him videos or couples being passionate. I've shown him physically (kiss me like this, touch me like this) I've tried sending naked pics and flirting all day to try to get him excited enough to show more energy.
I've also had the big, long talks with him where I've told him clearly that if it doesn't get better I will leave. It didn't really work for me, a few bumps up here and there, but it doesn't hurt to try

I've made a little progress by standing my ground and not accepting crappy sex. Stopping everything that was one-sided for him and positive reinforcement when he does do something I enjoy.


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## Tango in Triple Time (Jul 14, 2015)

Thanks Emerald - Communication is always the key isn't it? Apparently we aren't good at it.

I've told him in the past to ask for a bj if he wanted one because I would ask for whatever it was I wanted. He said, ooh nooo, I'd never do that. I laughed and asked if he was kidding me. Oops, he wasn't. Has NEVER asked. I'd find it a turn on to be asked. Not demanded, not bulled, but "Honey, I'd love you to blah blah blah me" Nope, it's not happening with him.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

It always sounds to me like you are the dominant partner, SGC. What I think you would like is a relationship of equals. 

But I don't think your husband is wired that way. I think he is a sub who wants to pretend to be a Dom, while the actual domme takes care of him.

I think you are right to reject this. It is a bad deal for you, as it does not meet your needs, but only his.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Tango in Triple Time said:


> Thanks Emerald - Communication is always the key isn't it? Apparently we aren't good at it.
> 
> I've told him in the past to ask for a bj if he wanted one because I would ask for whatever it was I wanted. He said, ooh nooo, I'd never do that. I laughed and asked if he was kidding me. Oops, he wasn't. Has NEVER asked. I'd find it a turn on to be asked. Not demanded, not bulled, but "Honey, I'd love you to blah blah blah me" Nope, it's not happening with him.



Yup. How hard is it to say "Babe, are you up for sucking my ****?" 

Is he able to ask/order what he wants for dinner at a restaurant?

Is he able to ask for what he wants/needs in regards to non-sexual things?

Even 3 yr. olds are able to ask for what they want/need.


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## Tango in Triple Time (Jul 14, 2015)

He says he doesn't want to force me to do something I don't want to do. He claims if I want to do it, I will without him asking. Which is googly speak for I don't want YOU to ask ME to do anything sexual, and if I don't ask you (to suck my d*ck) maybe you wont ask me (to do anything sexual). 

Yes, he orders just fine at a restaurant. He's perfectly fine with me making most of the decisions. For example, where we spend holidays, what we do on the weekend, who we socialize with, etc. His answer is always, Honey I don't care where we go or what we do if I'm with you. If I tell him lets go on a date this weekend and you plan it, he will, no problem. But his preference is for me to handle it. Lazy? Maybe. Truly doesn't care and will have fun anyway? Probably.


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## Tango in Triple Time (Jul 14, 2015)

Slowly - No changes even after telling him you would leave if the sex doesn't improve? Ouch. Maybe leaving would be a wake up call for your husband. Leaving for me is not an option, as the rest of the marriage is good. Then again, we are in our early 50's. If I was 25, 35? That would be a tough call.


How's the sex been in your previous relationships?


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Tango in Triple Time said:


> Slowly - No changes even after telling him you would leave if the sex doesn't improve? Ouch. Maybe leaving would be a wake up call for your husband. Leaving for me is not an option, as the rest of the marriage is good. Then again, we are in our early 50's. If I was 25, 35? That would be a tough call.
> 
> 
> *How's the sex been in your previous relationships?*


Terrible at best and abusive at worst. 
I have gotten changes, just not enough. 

I keep thinking it would be easier if I was 45-55 rather than now at 30, kids at home, working towards moving up in the world. 

Have you tried something like dirty texting? It might open him up more if he can text you "I want you to...." vs. saying it to you. Then you can kind of keep growing from there.


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## Tango in Triple Time (Jul 14, 2015)

Oh the texting....that's another story. I used to text all sorts of sexy, dirty stuff to him. His responses ranged from Oh, ok, & Yes. 

But he's a very prolific texter otherwise.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

ok, i need to give the guy a break. in your last few posts, you've painted a different picture of him.

a very good guy generally. a very passive sort of happy go lucky guy who treats you good in almost everything?

but sucks at sex.

here's the thing i keep that i keep coming back to: 

i don't buy the idea that low drive or lazy lover spouses are oblivious to the frustration they foist upon their spouses.
when we decide to get married, it should be a very serious decision. we must think it through and realize that marriage has commitments.
life will no longer be the same. we are now one, not two. and almost universally, that means frequent and quality sex.
you know this. you cannot escape this, or pretend it isn't.
if you don't like that idea, either don't get married (no one putting a gun to your head) or find a person and agree beforehand that sex is not that important.
if you are remiss in this area, then you must blame your self and how dare you blame the other person.

there is no shame in not being a great lover.
most of us aren't, even though we might like to think so.
the word 'great' means exceptional and that by definition would exclude almost everyone.
but we owe the marriage our best effort.

that's the truth. over and out. i shut up now.


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## Tango in Triple Time (Jul 14, 2015)

Jorgegene - Nail and head have now met! 

I certainly didn't mean to paint him as a jerk. He's not. He's exactly as you say, happy go lucky, fun guy who treats me like a queen for the most part. I'm just sexually frustrated, I want more, better sex. Or coping strategies. But after reading more and more here I'm thinking I should shut up. 

Last night he did suggest I get some of our old toys out & put fresh batteries in and use them. I told him sure if masturbation was the answer, I wouldn't be complaining. He said he'd be helping me, and he'd probably get aroused as well. Now THAT's a possible solution. 

Yippee!


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
A sexual mismatch in a relationship is really miserable even if everything else is OK. The HD/LD problem is very common and very difficult to fix (many many threads here on this).

Usually there is nothing the HD person can to do make the sex life better, the LD person just doesn't have the passion for frequent exciting sex. 

I believe that anyone who really desires to become a good lover can - it is the desire to please your partner that matters, the techniques can be learned. 

You are left with:
leave
cheat
live like a nun / monk.


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## tornado (Jan 10, 2014)

Common problem in a HD/LD situation. The HD bends over backwards goes above and beyond for their spouse. The LD spouse sees no problem but you should remind him if YOU have a problem, it's also HIS problem. The sad part is I'm completely convinced that these problems never truly get better, some people comply but it's never with the desire the HD is looking for. I can tell you there is no magic word, magic dust, or magic clothing that's gonna change your Husband into this man who ravages your body like you hope. Sorry and good luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Tango in Triple Time said:


> .... *I have a life, a very successful career, large loving family, many friends, a great husband, and activities I enjoy*. You don't know me other than what I've said here, and getting a life has nothing to do with the sex issue. *Maybe I'm not understanding what you meant.*
> 
> .....*My husband does feel loved unconditionally, as do I from him. I feel rejected and sexually frustrated*, I know he does not do this on purpose to make me feel this way. It hurts him to see me frustrated, and it causes disharmony but it doesn't change my love for him.
> 
> The man is absolutely crazy about me, spends all his free time with me, and on and on and on. He's not as sexual as me. That is by far our biggest challenge. He's not a jerk or a bum. He is a lazy lover, *but I think in HIS mind he's tries really hard*. He would be shocked if he knew I thought him lazy.





> For me in my road to recovery from an SSM, I first fixed myself by *Getting a Life (code words in the MW Davis book)* and then providing my wife with unconditional love so she felt loved and cherished.


You may have a career and activities, but Getting a Life is a lot different. My wife has a doctorate and a high powered position at a University, I am recognized internationally in my profession, we have activities, a large loving family, etc., but we both needed to "Get a Life" before we could improve our marriage.

I will again suggest that your read MW Davis book to understand the concept from the author. GAL is much more that career, family, and activities, it is being emotionally centered, having a very positive attitude about the difficulties life hands you, not having any hint at co-dependence, doing things to please yourself and not requiring validation/approval, even in sexual matters from you spouse. I am sure that this paragraph is not doing it justice, so again, I urge you to figure out what the code words mean from MW Davis. A different take on it for men defined in Glover's book is to become a integrated man, who is utterly fascinating, and happy about his progress in improving himself and his situation. Again, I probably am not doing the concept justice.

If you have "A Life" and "feel unconditionally loved" by your H, then why do you think you feel sexually frustrated? 

Is it all your husbands fault? Have you and he perhaps done some form of conditioning to each other where both of you were active participants? 

One of the hard lessons I had to learn from reading Chapman's book the 5 Languages of Love, was that the ways I showed my wife how much I loved her, meant nothing to her. It was only after I changed how I expressed my emotional love to her (in ways that were at first foreign to me) that she felt loved and cherished. That is when she felt unconditional love. 

Since you make your H feel unconditionally loved, what are his primary and secondary love languages and do you shower him with love in his love languages each day? 

If you are unsure of what I just said, then you might want to read Chapman's book the 5 Languages of Love. It changed me and how I viewed and understood what was important to my spouse. We had been talking past each other about emotional love for over 40 years, before I figured out what my wife needed from me and how I had emotionally hurt her badly year after year. 

I really am trying to offer you positive suggestions and I really do wish you the best of luck in achieving what you want in your marriage.


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## litnetlys (Nov 6, 2015)

Talking can be great fun


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Tango in Triple Time said:


> Thanks Emerald - Communication is always the key isn't it? Apparently we aren't good at it.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

Tango in Triple Time said:


> It's only a big issue if my level of desire is at 4-5 times a week, which it is easily.


I'd say not wanting to kiss your partner while making love is a big issue regardless of your level of desire.


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

Young at Heart said:


> If you have "A Life" and "feel unconditionally loved" by your H, then why do you think you feel sexually frustrated?


Because the person who married her isn't interested in having sex with her and when he does it is meaningless and without any form of passion?



> Is it all your husbands fault? Have you and he perhaps done some form of conditioning to each other where both of you were active participants?


This sounds like victim blaming to me. 



> Since you make your H feel unconditionally loved, what are his primary and secondary love languages and do you shower him with love in his love languages each day?


He isn't interested in meeting her needs, and those of the relationship, at all so the solution is that she needs to shower him in his preferential way daily? 



> If you are unsure of what I just said, then you might want to read Chapman's book the 5 Languages of Love. It changed me and how I viewed and understood what was important to my spouse. We had been talking past each other about emotional love for over 40 years, before I figured out what my wife needed from me and how I had emotionally hurt her badly year after year.
> 
> I really am trying to offer you positive suggestions and I really do wish you the best of luck in achieving what you want in your marriage.


I take it that you are trying to offer positive suggestions but what has come through is that one partner is supposed to do everything the other partner wants before anything gets reciprocated which is an ironic solution to what should be an equal relationship.


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## Left alone wondering (Nov 7, 2015)

OMG this post drives me crazy, I been married 21 years & still can't talk about sex with my wife she won't give oral & if I'm lucky we have sex once a month right after her period but often I miss the window & it becomes 2 months so I masterbate 2 to 3 times a week to get by. I'n shock that your post a Woman wants more, I have always felt it's men that want sex & woman just try to deal with it. I want sex with her so bad but just won't happen tried many things over the years nothing works. I want now to just find another for sex only, perfer another married woman without sex in her marriage also. Why would that be so bad???? 
Or really what would be best is see a doc. or something to no longer have sexually uges if that's possible.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

WonkyNinja said:


> ... take it that you are trying to offer positive suggestions but what has come through is that one partner is supposed to do everything the other partner wants before anything gets reciprocated which is an ironic solution to what should be an equal relationship.


All I can suggest is that she (or you) read the MW Davis book, in which the HD partner in a sex starved marriage can do things to save and change the marriage. 

So yes, one partner can initiate change (by using the tools that MW Davis lays out), but can't guarantee the outcome or the course of the change. 

It will ultimately take two to save the marriage. MW Davis does have a pretty spectacular approach for one person, the victim if you like, being able to take control of their own life and initiate change.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

Left alone wondering said:


> OMG this post drives me crazy, I been married 21 years & still can't talk about sex with my wife she won't give oral & if I'm lucky we have sex once a month right after her period but often I miss the window & it becomes 2 months so I masterbate 2 to 3 times a week to get by. I'n shock that your post a Woman wants more, I have always felt it's men that want sex & woman just try to deal with it. I want sex with her so bad but just won't happen tried many things over the years nothing works. I want now to just find another for sex only, perfer another married woman without sex in her marriage also. Why would that be so bad????
> Or really what would be best is see a doc. or something to no longer have sexually uges if that's possible.


It would be bad because that is called cheating on your wife. Have you talked to her about having an open marriage? If you want to sleep with other women then she should have the chance to sleep with other men. There actually are actually a lot of women who are in sexless marriages and would like to have sex more often then they are having. It's more frustrating for women then men because all men like sex (so I have heard) so when your husband doesn't want to have sex with you it really does a number on your self esteem. You have two choices, accept the situation (which you have for now and I know if frustrating) or get a divorce. It's very difficult to get a spouse who has a low libido to change.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Left alone wondering said:


> ...I want sex with her so bad but just won't happen tried many things over the years nothing works. I want now to just find another for sex only, perfer another married woman without sex in her marriage also. Why would that be so bad????
> Or really what would be best is see a doc. or something to no longer have sexually uges if that's possible.


What would be best? Been there. I would suggest you buy a couple books first. MW Davis, the Sex Starved Marriage, Glover's book No More Mr. Nice Guy, then start working on changing yourself and your situation as outlined in those two books. If you like the changes in yourself and your marriage, then bring in a sex therapist as a change agent to expedite the changes. If you don't then seriously consider divorce and moving on.

Having sex with a married woman is likely to blow up in your face. Having sex is called "making love" for a good reason. Sex will release feel good bonding hormones that will bring two people closer together emotionally. You will want to be with your regular sex partner rather than with your wife or your sex partner will want to be with you rather than her husband. Cheating like that will create an emotional relationship you can't control.

If you have to cheat pay a sex worker of some kind, as she will have no emotional involvement with you. All she is looking for is your money. Still, I would not recommend cheating, whether with a happy ending massage, stripper, or escort.

As to getting a doctor to do something to kill your sex drive? If you masturbate, you probably really don't want that. A best case scenario would be for you and your wife to get interesting in chastity play, but that isn't going to happen. Most likely you wife isn't having sex with you for what she considers to be good reasons. When I was in an SSM, my wife was angry at me, very, very angry at me and wanted to make me unhappy and wanted next to nothing to do with me sexually. So there was nothing she would have been willing to do that would have made the lack of sex with me easier on me. 

Again, doing something to destroy your libido won't work. If she can't hurt you emotionally by not having sex with you, she will find another way to emotionally hurt you. There is a fundamental problem the symptom of which is lack of sex. 

Good luck. You asked about the best way. It is to learn that this is fairly common, that there are good resources out there on how to deal with your situation, and then implement some of the things that others have done to remedy your problem with your wife.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

naiveonedave said:


> does he have low T? Going sexless for awhile and not having an issue with it suggests low T.[/QUOT
> 
> THIS, why does people always look over THIS. He's in his 50s! Men should always check T levels FIRST!
> 
> ...


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