# Need advice from a woman



## Roundtable (Oct 4, 2009)

I am a husband who's wife is having an EA. We have been together for 12 years. We have had an emotional void in our relationship, which I see I was partly to blame for. This opened up a door for her to find comfort with the other guy. Now she says she is "done" with our marriage, and wants out. She claims she has been unhappy for years. I know this is not the case. I think her new found EA is clouding her vision of what we had. I can not understand how after 12 years together she can just shut down her feelings for me. Can any woman clue me in to what she may be feeling or thinking? I have not given up on her or us yet. She, and her 2 kids mean to much to me. I am just trying to grasp how she can do this in 2 months. Thanks in advance.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

She's on whatever drug it is that flows through our systems during infatuation. It completely clouds thinking and is strong enough to make her willing to risk everything.

Tough stuff to fight. So you have to bring the reality of her choices to the fore. She has to face what she stands to lose and also that this other guy isn't as great as he seems.


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## Roundtable (Oct 4, 2009)

Thankyou dobo. She claims you only get to live once, and she wants to be on her own & happy. She says she doesn't want a future with him. The grass is not greener and she knows it. He has a pretty checkered past that involves 2 dui's no licence, no job, on probation for a year, other legal issues he hasn't been to court for, has major medical health issues, and can't leave his home state which is 18 hours from us for a year. I don't know what she is thinking except that she enjoys his conversations and texts. He probably listens well, and tells her everything she needs to hear. I know I may have not been the best listener, and lacked proper communication. She has said she is sorry for the EA and the pain it caused me, but it continues. I hope I can save us.


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## tryingtocope24 (Sep 27, 2009)

Roundtable, I know how you feel I am in a situation where my wife of 24 years has checked out and plans on leaveing. I have taken the advice of others here. Take care of your self and kids if any. Let her do what she has to do because she is going to do it anyway. It has been a few weeks for me and I am feeling better. Yes, it hurts and it will contiune to hurt. I still don't sleep at night but I am a better person with the changes I have made.
Hang in there


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## Roundtable (Oct 4, 2009)

tryingtocope, thanks. It has been hard on me as well. The first 3 weeks were a nightmare. I wouldn't sleep much, smoked way to much, and lost 30 lbs in 29 days. On a posative side, I am now back to what I weighed in college. No love handles or beer gut, not that I had much anyway. It has gotten a little better in the 2 months since this came out. I sleep well, am trying to eat well, work out, and have accepted that I can't change her, only the things in myself that need changing. I stay posative around her, while trying to do my own thing so I don't look like I am waiting around for her. Inside I am just wanting to hold her in my arms and feel the love of my wife, but that time may not come. Time will tell.


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## tryingtocope24 (Sep 27, 2009)

wow we might as well be twins, my situation started april 1 got better then got worse. After her first meeting with the counsler it caved in. that was oct. 7. But she said 3 times she was leaving so it was not a shock. She has a decition to make not me. Time will tell for me to


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## Inturmoil (Sep 22, 2009)

Round & tryingtocope......it's nice to see someone else is in the same exact boat I am in.....13 yrs married with 2 kids and I got the same exact scenario....EA....said she is done...completely shut down her feelings...I am getting to the point where I can accept it but I am not there yet......keep your chin up...I am sure it will get better for all of us....whether we think it will or not right now.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Roundtable said:


> . I can not understand how after 12 years together she can just shut down her feelings for me. Can any woman clue me in to what she may be feeling or thinking?



I'm not a woman but I did stay at a Holiday Inn last night. 

I is unlikely your wife just shut down her emotions overnight. It was probably a gradual process and led to the EA. I've been through it too and we survived after a very long recovery. See "When is enough, enough" if you haven't already. Her vision is jaded because of TOM. Even if he is a loser her bond to him can be tight. In order to recover she will need to end all contact at some point. You are right, you cannot change her. Change yourself in the areas she feels the marriage is missing. Be strong and confident around her. Be consistent in your actions. Strap in, it will take time but it can recover. I heard many of the same things from my wife.


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## Roundtable (Oct 4, 2009)

I am so glad I stumbled upon this forum while trying to learn about how to save my marriage. About 1 1/2 months ago I was thinking of ways to end it, and make the pain stop, but I have since learned alot, and see that there are others here in my same boat, and that we can help each other cope with our pain. I hope the best for all our relationships however they turn out. Thankyou all! We will get through this.


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