# symbolism of the wedding rings



## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

to start out, I realize that this notion is mostly petty... I mean, it's just a ring, right? A piece of jewelry. No big deal. And yet somehow it became a declaration of the state of our marriage without me even realizing it.

I know others have made posts about the first time they stopped wearing their wedding rings. Normally during a divorce or separation. But I fit into neither of those categories, for now.

I don't really want this thread to be focused so much on my marriage problems (theres already a thread for that) but rather my choice with my rings. But a little background would be our marriage has been struggling for 2 years now, and we only in the last few months have been doing the real work in counseling together and separate. The main issues are my husband's anger and other things he is dealing with. It's been a very difficult road.

So, the rings. As things grew worse between us I remember a couple times I actually went out into public without wearing any of my wedding rings. I felt kind of bad about it, mostly because I noticed that my husband continued to wear his. Even when I would see pictures others posted of their work trips I would notice he was wearing his ring. Given the circumstances, this actually surprised me. I thought he wasn't. So I began this habit of only wearing my wedding band at all times, and skipped my engagement ring. 

Now it's been an entire year since I have worn the diamond ring. Only my plain wedding band gets worn. I didn't really intend for it to be that way... but now it's almost become this symbol of diamond ring=stable marriage. The diamond ring was given out of love and a commitment which I believe has been broken and needs to be repaired, so therefore it doesn't get worn. I wear my wedding band because I am married and I am trying to work on things with him. But now it's been so long that I have this determined feeling of that diamond ring will not be on my finger until (or if) things are ever stable again. Which, they might not be. 

So, enter the dilemma. For some reason my mother notices that I haven't been wearing my diamond ring. I don't even see her that often as she lives hours away! And yet she somehow always notices and asks me why I'm not wearing it. No one else notices, only her. I tell her it doesn't fit right now. My sibling's wedding is coming up next month and I am a bridesmaid and my mother specifically asked me to get my ring resized so I could wear it. Sigh. I don't know what to do. It's just a ring, right? Should I just go ahead and wear it for this wedding because who cares? Or should I continue with my decision of not wearing my diamond ring and only my wedding band? I don't think there'd be any close ups in any wedding photos. It seems so silly and insignificant, and yet it seems to be one of the ways I am able to say "no, things are not ok" for myself and to my husband. For some reason this choice makes me feel in control. It was more of a private decision, so I do not want to make an uproar or cause unnecessary talk amongst family members during the gatherings for the wedding. I don't want to make a statement to others. And yet I feel it might turn into that if my mother is so bothered by it. Or maybe not, since she has been the only one who seems to so fixated on it. 

so... tell me, how stupid is my thinking on this? Should I just get over it? Anyone else make similar decisions? Am I putting too much emotion into this dumb ring?


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## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

I don't think what you are doing is stupid. It's your own personal choice. I think it is very rude of your mom to try to guilt you into wearing the diamond for a family member's wedding. Your mom is the one that needs to mind her own business.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Its YOUR ring, therefore its only YOUR business. Why the hell does your mother care about this??

Editing to add, the symbolism of the rings has always been very important to me. It told me a lot about my own state of mind when I stopped wearing mine in my first marriage.


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## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

yeah I'm really not sure about her focus on this. I was actually kind of surprised, and thought after the first discussion about it long ago she would drop it. I didn't really expect it to become this repeated question. It could be because she's had weddings on her mind the last few years due to her children getting married in clusters and planning with them and seeing rings. Or maybe she senses something and is on to my symbolism and it would make her feel better to see me wearing it. My parents really like my husband. I do not know. It makes me uncomfortable every time she asks. Honestly, if we are able to work it out I'm not even sure if I could ever wear that particular ring again. A part of me would want him to sell it and get a different one. But, that is cart before the horse so it doesn't matter right now.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good afternoon all
To me the ring mostly serves as a sign to others that I'm married. It doesn't have a great symbolic value to me -I've lost 2 over the years.


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## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

see, it's interesting because men wouldn't have this same type of dilemma. Generally, a man only wears one ring that he receives at his wedding to symbolize that he is married. And generally a woman has 2; one that is given upon engagement that declares "I love you and WANT to marry you" and then the wedding band that is given at the wedding. I wonder why that is? Then the man has one ring that symbolizes one thing, and a woman has 2 different rings that symbolize 2 different things. I'm married, so I wear my wedding band, just like my husband does. And yet wearing my diamond ring seems offensive lol. Just seems interesting.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Your mom's issues should not be your issues.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Your mom doesn't know about all these issues you and your husband have been having. To her, your ring doesn't fit - that's it. _Because that's what you told her._

Maybe if you were open with her and told her about all your problems, she'd understand and stop asking about the engagement ring.


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

I CANNOTwear rings and watches so they (or even thinking about them) aren't in my universe.

No doubt that'll make me the 'thread weirdo', which I don't mind, cuz such differences give valuable lessons about perspectives.

Some people fret about stuff others don't give a monkey's about,,, and vice versa.

One persons 'normal' is anothers 'strange'.

So, from my perspective - Rings? Who's wearing them, not wearing them, when and where? Isn't there something positive you could be focussing on instead,, and making yourself HAPPY?

LET IT GO ADELINE! There's so much more good stuff you could be dedicating your brain to.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

I agree with others that your mom might have "mom intuition" that something is wrong; and asking about the ring is her way to get you to open up to her about it.

But it's still none of her business; if you don't want it to be. So:


Wear the ring to the wedding, just that one day, even though it feels weird

- or -


Don't wear it. Fib, and tell anyone who asks, you've been meaning to get it sized; but you just can't seem to get around to it.

I don't wear a band. Just a gemstone ring. I don't like diamonds.

And the past year hasn't been great in my marriage either. I took it off for a few days not too long ago to see if H would notice, and he didn't.


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## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

yeah, I kind of think if my mom hadn't been so observant that I probably wouldn't even be thinking about this right now. 

NoraJane- I know you know I don't want to tell her though. I just don't want that to be the focus of every family gathering or get together with her. Especially with the holidays coming up... I just want to fly under the radar and have everything be normal. I just don't want that type of attention from my family yet. I have thought about discussing with her eventually about my husband's specific problems after I am more aware of what he is dealing with. Maybe even my father as well. But that still wouldn't explain why I'm not wearing my ring. Anyways, I will be disclosing some of it to them, just not now and not every dirty detail.

Dutchman- well, that's how I felt. Many different people have different standards with their rings. Some don't wear rings at all, I know a wife who only ever had a plain wedding band, and another married friend who only has the engagement ring because it's beautiful on its own. That's why I didn't really feel too bothered when I started wearing my wedding band, I knew it wouldn't be screaming to the world "I HAVE MARRIAGE PROBLEMS" or anything like that.

intheory- for some reason it makes me feel a little physically sick to think about wearing it... silly, I know. I'm going back and forth. I feel like the only person who would maybe point it out would possibly be one of my sisters... I don't know. But maybe if my husband ends up attending with me it won't be as much of a big deal to everyone. You're right, I have felt at times that maybe my mother is speculating about things. I don't really want it to be any of my family's business right now though. 

Maybe i'll luck out and it'll be lost. Half kidding, but off the top of my head I'm not even entirely sure where it is right now.


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## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

Lila said:


> Adeline:
> 
> I don't have much more to add than what's already been posted by others but I did want to share with you my perspective on engagement rings/wedding bands.
> 
> ...


see, that's kinda funny because I actually feel the opposite! My wedding band is more the legal status to me. The engagement ring is more representative of the love he had even without the commitment of marriage.


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## jin (Sep 9, 2014)

What does your husband think? You don't have to care what other people think but he might care and/or take it very personally. 

In my case my wife stopped wearing her rings and I continued to wear mine. I felt embarrassed about it and stopped wearing mine as well. I have never told her this as I felt it was petty it was just a ring and there were bigger problems to deal with. But it was still there in the back of my mind.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Why is your mother telling you which of your own jewelry to wear at your cousin's wedding?

Seems very odd to me. You're an adult.

Re: the ring - plenty of people only wear the band because the diamond engagement may not be as comfy. Or for a million other reasons. Some wear both. Some wear none. Only you can decide what is right for you.


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## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

Jellybeans said:


> Why is your mother telling you which of your own jewelry to wear at your cousin's wedding?
> 
> Seems very odd to me. You're an adult.
> 
> Re: the ring - plenty of people only wear the band because the diamond engagement may not be as comfy. Or for a million other reasons. Some wear both. Some wear none. Only you can decide what is right for you.


it's a sibling, not a cousin. I guess it's because all her kids will be married now and so she's into the details. Telling me about peoples' rings, and then wondering where mine is I guess as she discusses comparison. Yeah I don't really know. Even knowing my mom I am a little surprised at how she won't drop it. Could be also that my wedding band is very thin and plain so it's quite obvious that I'm not wearing my diamond. Maybe if it were a little more jazzy like some peoples' are it wouldn't have been so noticeable that the engagement ring was missing. I think that plays a big factor in it.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

As many others have said, it's your choice, for your own reasons. You needn't explain yourself unless you want to.

Rings are generally symbolic, but the symbolism may be different for different people. Ours are inscribed "Emptiness holds what we choose". LOL It's a paraphrase from the Tao te ching.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

I wouldn't advise you to make up a new lie to cover up your old lie. What your mom wants is a picture that proves that all of her kids are happily married. Which isn't the case. So by giving in you could provide her with a comfortable lie. Interestingly you are living in a comfortable lie by not explaining why you won't be wearing the ring.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

Adeline said:


> Maybe i'll luck out and it'll be lost. Half kidding, *but off the top of my head I'm not even entirely sure where it is right now.*


^^^ Freudian


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Adeline said:


> it's a sibling, not a cousin. I guess it's because all her kids will be married now and so she's into the details. Telling me about peoples' rings, and then wondering where mine is I guess as she discusses comparison. Yeah I don't really know. Even knowing my mom I am a little surprised at how she won't drop it. Could be also that my wedding band is very thin and plain so it's quite obvious that I'm not wearing my diamond. Maybe if it were a little more jazzy like some peoples' are it wouldn't have been so noticeable that the engagement ring was missing. I think that plays a big factor in it.


Absolutely NO ONE else at that wedding is going to notice your rings! Even if they look, they wont be aware something is missing, sheesh mom...


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## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

intheory said:


> ^^^ Freudian


wait... I'm not seeing it. How is that a Freudian slip?

Or do you just mean that I subconsciously misplaced it because of my circumstances? ha, could be.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

You know, it might make it easier all round to just wear it - that will avoid all the "why are you not wearing it?" and "why didn't you get it resized?" questions...your mum doesn't sound like she's going to drop this.

For me personally, I always wear my wedding band. Always. I do sometimes take off my engagement ring, mainly when I'm cleaning or working outside or something. To me, the rings are a symbol of our love and commitment to each other. If I'm having a bad day or am grumpy with hubby (which isn't very often but it does happen), and I look down at the rings I always feel better - I guess they evoke feelings of warm fuzzy in me, lol.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

I'm with Frus...

You're making a mountain out of a molehill. Wear the darned thing for one day. Let the focus be on your sibling and not you getting 50 questioned to death on where it is.

You can put aside your moral internal battle until the party is over.


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## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

I read those that say it's your choice don't let your mom pressure you, and I'm like yeah, it's just a ring, I don't need to wear both.

And then I read those that say wear it for the day it's just a ring, and I'm like yeah you're right, I should just do it.

ha, so I don't know what to do. First step is finding it.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Adeline said:


> see, it's interesting because men wouldn't have this same type of dilemma. Generally, a man only wears one ring that he receives at his wedding to symbolize that he is married. And generally a woman has 2; one that is given upon engagement that declares "I love you and WANT to marry you" and then the wedding band that is given at the wedding. I wonder why that is? Then the man has one ring that symbolizes one thing, and a woman has 2 different rings that symbolize 2 different things. I'm married, so I wear my wedding band, just like my husband does. And yet wearing my diamond ring seems offensive lol. Just seems interesting.


So what you're saying is men should stop buying engagement rings.....

You're Mom's focus on your rings is probably more to do with her concern over the state of your marriage. I think she recognizes that there are problems and you not wearing your ring is a bright neon sign confirming it.


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## Anenome (Nov 3, 2012)

Maybe you've stumbled upon your answer; tell your mom that in fact you cannot find it, and saying it didn't fit was a fib you told because you feel awful that you cannot find it and are hoping it will turn up. "And you are not helping the situation, Mom, by making such an issue about it". Maybe that will teach her a lesson to accept the answer she's given and stop prying.

Then, you don't have to compromise your internal feelings on the subject by wearing the ring, and you don't have to open up about the marriage problems that are still very much a private matter between you and your husband.


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