# Statistics stay the same for long distance affairs?



## CaughtOffGuard2 (Jun 4, 2013)

Hi Everyone,
I have another thread which chronicles the changes as I learned more and more and now it's basically 100 miles from where I started. 

In short. My wife said she wanted to separate out of the blue (for me) and did not want to work on anything, or even talk about it. She gave several reasons but nobody she or I have told them to thinks they are divorce worthy. The conversation was very short and she cried the entire time as I left. I later discovered she was having an affair which she denied, denied, then admitted. She already cut me loose so she completely doesn't want to work on it and that's hard enough to cope with. We didn't fight and while she suffers from depression, I thought we were basically fine. 

1. I can't tell if she's just in a fog or if she really would have left me anyway, an exit affair. How can I tell?

2. The affair started emotional and went physical and the two of them decided I had to go. We live on the east coast and he is on the west coast. Are the same affair statistics valid? 1.5% they work out long term. 

3. Is the distance going to be a factor in ending the affair (like a normal relationship) or is it going to prolong it because they are separate and don't need to deal with day to day crap with each other?

Just looking for some insight or statistics.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

CaughtOffGuard2 said:


> Hi Everyone,
> I have another thread which chronicles the changes as I learned more and more and now it's basically 100 miles from where I started.
> 
> In short. My wife said she wanted to separate out of the blue (for me) and did not want to work on anything, or even talk about it. She gave several reasons but nobody she or I have told them to thinks they are divorce worthy. The conversation was very short and she cried the entire time as I left. I later discovered she was having an affair which she denied, denied, then admitted. She already cut me loose so she completely doesn't want to work on it and that's hard enough to cope with. We didn't fight and while she suffers from depression, I thought we were basically fine.
> ...


Hi,

the statistics are like any other; you can make anything of them but they mean precisely nothing when applied to your own circumstances. After all, if it works out for them then it's 100% in their case. The thing is, it might "work" for 2 years then fall apart. Either way, you're out of the picture.

The only way to tell if it's an "exit affair" (aren't they *all* if they get found out?) is to do all the things that are recommended to bust her out of the fog:

- expose to everyone
- tell the OM to get lost (difficult for you as your "wife" seems to have done that to you)
- tell your wife it's him or you (again, not a good sign for you)

Basically, if this POS is happy to take her on and she is happy to go, then there is sod all to work with - she's gone.

Is the distance going to have an affect?

Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but familiarity breeds contempt. Again, I can understand that you are in a lot of pain but it doesn't really matter unless she chooses you does it?

The only thing you can do is go dark. Don't call or text. Don't respond to her with anything but facts.

Divorce her immediately.

Withdraw half of any joint money and stop access to anything that you reasonably can.

It's all sounding harsh, but you're in a bad spot.


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## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

Statistics, people use them to convince themselves and once they have done that they try to use them to justify them to other people.

Save yourself while you can, if she is doing this now with a guy 100 miles away then any R will mean you would have to watch out for another guy fvcking her who is only a 100yds away!!

Do a hard 180 and I know this is hurting but you need to think clearly about what is best for you, she has chosen her path and needs to follow it, you need to choose your's now, what will it be? Chasing after her knowing she does not want you and has thrown you away? Or will you pick up the pieces of your life and cut her off, just think of it like this, if you turn your back on her and stop all contact then she has only her OM to keep her occupied and how long will that last? Who cares, by the time she has to deal with the fact that he probably has another 10 chicks on the hook you will be back in shape and back in the game.

Think hard on what will be best for you!! I do not mean financially either, but the trouble is that second guessing her every move in the future if she stays after you chasing her will seriously depress you!!! Your trust has been broken and she is seriously not interested in whether you care or not, she wants her OM, if it does not not work out in 2 years time then she will be calling back for you, then in time it all starts again, another EA and on to a PA, thing is she will always be hurting you, let her go and move on, easier said than done but I have had to do this in the past and it hurt like hell, but it taught me lessons, trust has to be earned, respect has to mutual, she is not respecting you and you should show her the door for that my friend.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Who is the guy she is having an affair with ?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

And this might seem very counter intuitive but go absolutely dark on her. No begging, no pleading, no getting angry. Just cut contact. keep reading some of the popular threads here to educate yourself on these matters. get some knowledge about the workings of a cheating spouse. Your wife is a run of the mill cheater. She is following the cheater's script.


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## CaughtOffGuard2 (Jun 4, 2013)

Thanks Chris, Wranglerman.

I had to see her today and it messed me up but otherwise I am trying to cut her off completely. We have very few things to interact about so she may not even notice me cutting her off. 

8 weeks since we separated. 3-4 since I suspected the affair and she denied it. Just 1 since she admitted it. I just found out the guys name today but I don't know what to do with the information, try to get him fired, have a background check run, what? 

We have a 12 month separation law before divorce unless I want to spend a ton to legally prove infidelity so I'm going to write up a separation agreement and make her sign it for the financial/material stuff. We don't have kids or property so it will be simple from a legal perspective. 

I'm having trouble seeing this new person as the wife I knew. It's just hard. I did go on a date last night and I think the girl had fun but I was 100% thinking about my (estranged) wife. I'm just not ready. 

In my head I keep taking comfort in the stats thinking their relationship will fade and fail and she'll regret this then at least it might be my decision what happens. If that happened tomorrow, I'd take her back. Could I actually get over all this and trust her, I'm not sure. Maybe we'd be doomed anyway.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

> So I got the dog Friday. We met and she hugged me and gave me some mail, etc. She asked if I was ok and I said I was good.
> 
> Today (Sunday) I thought our interaction was positive and I hadn't heard from her so to feel close to her I logged into her email again which was a mistake.
> 
> ...





> Tron,
> I called her mother who was shocked to learn about this other man. When I talked to my wife she said POSOM knew her family, was a widower, and was from their (small) town but her mother didn't know anyone who matched those conditions so maybe she was lying about his wife's death and he's married or something.
> 
> She was very kind to me, saying her heart breaks for me and how she never believed in cheating because her father had cheated on her mother (wife's grandparents, and my wife knows about all that), etc. She said she was going to talk to my wife and find out what's going on but also said stuff like "maybe she just told you that" so I can tell a part of her doesn't want to believe it.
> ...



OP's posts for context


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Your wife is not the person you think she is. You seem to have idealized her. You trust her way too much. Pick yourself up..


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

> Feeling very down I did a bit more snooping and found that she may have met this guy through work. I don't know what to do now though. He's on the board of one of a company that her's works with. I don't have any evidence though. What should I do here? Call his company? (I just found his name and address but nothing referencing the affair. I'd estimate I have 70% certainty).


Inform the company and find out if he is married. Save the evidence. Blow up the affair, D or R


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

"Absence makes the fond heart wander"

"Time wounds all heels"


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## CaughtOffGuard2 (Jun 4, 2013)

In my more lucid moments I think F her. But most of the time I just want her back. If it was like an argument and we got past it that's one thing. I'm not sure I understand the enormity of getting over infidelity. We're probably too far down this road now. 

I'm only thinking of the relationship we had, not where we would have to move forward from today.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

CaughtOffGuard2 said:


> Thanks Chris, Wranglerman.
> 
> I had to see her today and it messed me up but otherwise I am trying to cut her off completely. We have very few things to interact about so she may not even notice me cutting her off.
> 
> ...


What? This! CheaterVille :: Don't Be the Last to Know :smthumbup:


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

CaughtOffGuard2 said:


> In my more lucid moments I think F her. But most of the time I just want her back. If it was like an argument and we got past it that's one thing. I'm not sure I understand the enormity of getting over infidelity. We're probably too far down this road now.
> 
> I'm only thinking of the relationship we had, not where we would have to move forward from today.


COG2 

sorry bro, but you are in the undiscovered country. You will move fwd to something of your choosing but you cannot return to where you once were. That land no longer exists.

It's tough, really tough - the compass doesn't work, nothing is recognisable. But you must make decisions to strike out even when every fibre of your being wants to find that doorway back to what you thought was a safe haven - it wasn't. It's fruitless COG2, that doorway no longer exists.

After 11 weeks I'm still floundering COG2 but the difference is I can see what I need to do, I fully get it, taking action is the tough bit. But taking action for you is essential - together or not you must do it for you. 

The thing is - will you take the lead or your WS?


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## CaughtOffGuard2 (Jun 4, 2013)

So I got a call and text to ream me out a little but she said to stop calling her parents and said it wouldn't work because she didn't care because they abused her (which none of these details she ever told me, full post on my other thread). 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-...ewly-seperated-but-hopeful-3.html#post2740025




> The thing is - will you take the lead or your WS?


Horizon, what do you mean by this? I want to take the lead but I didn't think I had any options but to expose and ignore her.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Check spokeo.com. I will bet he's married and you can call his wife. This is the second most common lie.

Put him on cheaterville and watch him crash and burn. Send him the link.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

chapparal said:


> Check spokeo.com. I will bet he's married and you can call his wife. This is the second most common lie.
> 
> Put him on cheaterville and watch him crash and burn. Send him the link.


:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

If the OM has a wife (OMW) or a girlfriend (OMGF) expose the affair to her.


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## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

lordmayhem said:


> :iagree: :iagree: :iagree:
> 
> If the OM has a wife (OMW) or a girlfriend (OMGF) expose the affair to her.


Do and don't agree all at the same time :scratchhead:

Ok, do agree because the OM should not be d!cking someone elses wife so deserves to be hauled over the coals forever more for being a cheater!!!

But don't because, COG2 is still vulnerable and if his Ws OM is blown out the water and she has nothing to run off to she might just stay a while, but only until she catches the next love boat that is sailing by.

If he can just calmly let her go about her business and D then when all is said and done he can then post it up, that is better than right now due to her showing she is really not trust worthy for having done this twice before!!!


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