# I don't want my father at my wedding! Will i regret this?



## HoneyMagnolia (Oct 9, 2016)

I feel like I am all over the place – but I need advice and I’m not sure where to turn as no one I know irl has had this issue! ​Growing up I had a very close relationship with my father I was a totally daddy's girl I was the only girl with two half brothers, He could do no wrong in my eyes and I was the apple of his eye but when I turned eight my father was sent to prison to do a 20 year sentence, I was devastated and didn't understand why, Although my parents where separated my mom took me to visit him weekly. Growing up I learnt more about my father through others and I was shocked to learn he is a very respected man for all the wrong reasons and people are afraid of him.. but what sickened me was what he was sent away for.



By the time I turned eighteen I cut all contact with him I decided I wanted him out of my life. Fast forward 11yrs- Most of last year I ignored his calls and letters I now live in a different state and I am due to marry this December, Unfortunately my dad heard through the grapevine that I'm getting married - he somehow found me and thinks we can pick up where we left off. I told him straight out that I am having my gay bff walk me down the aisle and I don't want him anywhere near the wedding. I could see he was broken hearted. 



He keeps pleading with me not to do this to him that I am still his little girl and always will be.. he went on to say he wont walk away from my life regardless of my hurtful words to him he begged me not to cut him out of my life.. but I did that a long time ago. Am I being heartless or am I being wise?


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

Why did it take your upcoming wedding for him to decide that he wanted a relationship with you? Is his ego going to be hurt because someone else walks you down the Isle? Whatever he was put away for, you need to think about that. Do you want that in your life? 

Sent from my SM-G930V using Tapatalk


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## Manchester (Oct 7, 2016)

You are being heartless.

He might have done something to someone else for which he served his time, but he did nothing to you. 

He brought you into this world (along with your mother) and took care of you to the best of his ability until he was taken away because he made a bad choice and broke the law. 

Why are children so damn selfish.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

You probably will regret it when he does. It doesn't mean you are right or wrong, but given time and understanding of people and motivations and the mistakes we make, we always tend to regret when we play the hard line.

We don't know what he did, so it's hard to give proper advice, but you may feel good about yourself letting him come (not walk you down) and showing you can forgive even though you won't forget. You may spend nights unable to fall asleep if you don't let him come, but you won't spend one night not falling asleep because you let him come.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

If it is not too painful to share, what was he jailed for?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Manchester (Oct 7, 2016)

I have this feeling we're never going to get the answer to that one.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

tropicalbeachiwish said:


> Why did it take your upcoming wedding for him to decide that he wanted a relationship with you? Is his ego going to be hurt because someone else walks you down the Isle? Whatever he was put away for, you need to think about that. Do you want that in your life?
> 
> Sent from my SM-G930V using Tapatalk


Because someone told him she was getting married?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HoneyMagnolia (Oct 9, 2016)

tropicalbeachiwish said:


> Why did it take your upcoming wedding for him to decide that he wanted a relationship with you? Is his ego going to be hurt because someone else walks you down the Isle? Whatever he was put away for, you need to think about that. Do you want that in your life?


He actually started to try and contact me after he was released and as I said I chose to ignore his efforts. From what I've learned he is still the same person he was previously, nothing has changed. I know he's trying to win me over by wanting to pay for the wedding.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

HoneyMagnolia said:


> He actually started to try and contact me after he was released and as I said I chose to ignore his efforts. From what I've learned he is still the same person he was previously, nothing has changed. I know he's trying to win me over by wanting to pay for the wedding.


Was what he did so vile and evil that you want nothing more to do with him?

Or not?

Is it possible that your view of him might have been tainted by other people?

You see, if you hide these important facts from us there's nothing we can do to offer you any meaningful help or advice.


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## HoneyMagnolia (Oct 9, 2016)

Surely you guys can put 2 and 2 together with a 20 year sentence.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

First you need to evaluate why you dislike him so much. If it's because you find his criminal past upsetting and frightening than I would say absolutely do not invite him to your wedding.

If your feelings are based more on the fact that he was an absent father then maybe you should re consider.

I was married at the age of 28 and had washed my hands of most of my family. My soon to be wife insisted we invite them to the wedding, even though I was against it. I ended up being happy they were invited, honestly for my moms sake, she was very happy to have all her kids together again. I have never become close again with my family but they are there on the fringe, the anger and hate washed away a long time ago.

If you are angry with your father because of him not being there for you this is what I would do. First off realize you are fully an adult now, you and he are on the same level, don't let his being your biological father intimidate you.

Talk to him one on one. Tell him because of all the years of separation and him not being there you lost that family connection with him, and because of his criminal life you are not sure you want him as part of your life. Tell him he is invited to the wedding as a guest and he needs to stay in the background, he will not be walking you down the isle, he will not be toasting the new couple. Maybe you could let him do the father/daughter dance, but thats up to you. 

Do not let him pay for the wedding, that's a no brainer no matter how you look at it. That instantly attaches strings and you don't want that.

You may find that the adult you has a different perspective of your father than you did as a kid. Or you may find he's the scum of the earth, in which case as a mature adult you can say to him, "you are not the kind of person I want in my life"


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

HoneyMagnolia said:


> Surely you guys can put 2 and 2 together with a 20 year sentence.


I would also love o offer input, but I'm trying to put two and two togheter and i still have no clear answer as to what you are up against. Hopefully someone else will know and can help you. Sorry honey!


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## HoneyMagnolia (Oct 9, 2016)

Spicy said:


> HoneyMagnolia said:
> 
> 
> > Surely you guys can put 2 and 2 together with a 20 year sentence.
> ...



He was sentenced for murder.


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## HoneyMagnolia (Oct 9, 2016)

Cooper said:


> . Maybe you could let him do the father/daughter dance, but thats up to you.
> 
> Do not let him pay for the wedding, that's a no brainer no matter how you look at it. That instantly attaches strings and you don't want that.


Thanks for the great reply but I definitely don't want a father / daughter dance with him.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

HoneyMagnolia said:


> He actually started to try and contact me after he was released and as I said I chose to ignore his efforts. From what I've learned he is still the same person he was previously, nothing has changed. I know he's trying to win me over by wanting to pay for the wedding.


Thanks for the clarification. From what you wrote above, he hasn't shown remorse by changing his course in life. I would personally not reward him with an invite to your wedding or any access to your clean lifestyle. He wasn't thinking about you all the time he has spent being a thug. Now he is being sentimental. He should have considered that long ago. He doesn't get to wedding cake have and eat it too. He can't have it both ways. His lifestyle was his choice, not yours. He abandoned you for a life of crime. You grew up without him, into a lovely woman. That is HIS loss. It is a shame he didn't try to be a good person too, and that he STILL isn't trying.

I wish you tons of happiness with your new husband and bright future.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

HoneyMagnolia said:


> He actually started to try and contact me after he was released and as I said I chose to ignore his efforts. From what I've learned he is still the same person he was previously, nothing has changed. I know he's trying to win me over by wanting to pay for the wedding.


If he hasn't changed his ways, then no, do not allow him in your life. You'd be inviting crime into your life. It's a no brainer for me. 

Now if he was reformed, then I'd be saying something completely different.


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## Julius Beastcavern (May 11, 2015)

I'm curious as to why you mentioned your friends sexuality in the OP, does this have anything to do with why you do not want him at your wedding?


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## Manchester (Oct 7, 2016)

This story sounds weird.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

No weirder than some.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

It is your wedding. Tell him to F. O.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

I didn't invite my father to my wedding (my brother walked me down the aisle and gave me away). Reason was because I didn't want WWIII to start between my mom and him. They both had the emotional maturity of a five year old. The fact that he lived 2000 miles away made it much easier for me. Never had a single regret.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

HoneyMagnolia said:


> He was sentenced for murder.


I read that sometimes people are falsely imprisoned for things that they didn't do........ like the Central Park five.

How certain are you that the punishment fit the crime?


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## Manchester (Oct 7, 2016)

NextTimeAround said:


> I read that sometimes people are falsely imprisoned for things that they didn't do........ like the Central Park five.
> 
> How certain are you that the punishment fit the crime?


The 5 who were imprisoned were guilty of some crimes that night- they were part of a group of 30 teens who entered the park that night and caused havoc, assaulting many innocent people, and those 5 teens confessed to the crime.

When someone else subequently confessed, the 5 who were jailed from between 6-13 years had their sentences commuted and they won a combined whopping $41 million dollars from NY City which comes out to about 1 million per defendant per year of imprisonment. 

They are currently suing for even more, at one point they were asking for $250 million.

This for a group of hoods who were guilty of other crimes for which they were not prosecuted.

Now that sounds fair to the taxpayers.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

HoneyMagnolia said:


> Thanks for the great reply but I definitely don't want a father / daughter dance with him.


OP you are a free willed adult, bottom line is it's your wedding and your day, manage it as you wish and disregard the guilt ridden influences of others. 

If you never want the guy in your life then so be it, don't invite him to the wedding and don't encourage any communication with him, don't stress over it, just wash your hands of him.


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## Manchester (Oct 7, 2016)

Given the history if you do invite him I suggest metal detectors at the entrance to the reception.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

HoneyMagnolia said:


> Surely you guys can put 2 and 2 together with a 20 year sentence.


 @HoneyMagnolia Actually, as I am not in the USA, and live under the legal system of England and Wales, I can't put 2 and 2 together with a 20 year sentence.

I am sorry, but you will need to be more specific.


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## Manchester (Oct 7, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> @HoneyMagnolia Actually, as I am not in the USA, and live under the legal system of England and Wales, I can't put 2 and 2 together with a 20 year sentence.
> 
> I am sorry, but you will need to be more specific.


They posted it was MURDER.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Manchester said:


> They posted it was MURDER.


I suppose it depend on the circumstance, who the victim was, etc.


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## Manchester (Oct 7, 2016)

Well he got 20 years that's some pretty serious murder if you ask me.


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

Manchester said:


> Well he got 20 years that's some pretty serious murder if you ask me.


Depends on the jurisdiction, and even the jury, but 20 years strikes me as a little light for murder. But I'm in Texas so ...

The OP can certainly exclude her father from the wedding, but without hearing more details it's hard to say whether it's a decision many of us would embrace.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Manchester said:


> You are being heartless.
> 
> He might have done something to someone else for which he served his time, but he did nothing to you.
> 
> ...


Bullsh!t.

He was a man with children who committed some serious crimes to catch a 20 year sentence. Men taking care of their children to the best of their ability do so honestly so that they can be there to raise and support them. He made his choices knowing it could result in his incarceration and his children living on the outside without a father to provide for, guide, and protect them. He was the selfish one.

I stopped talking to my father when I was 6. It was my choice. I knew he was married and had another family with his wife and I learned that he did much more, personally and financially, for his legitimate kids than he did for me. I told him to go away. He did. For years, he'd contact my mom and ask if I wanted to talk to him yet. She would offer me his contact info each time in case I wanted to call or write to him. I never did. 

She kept in touch with him via letters for my entire childhood and adolescence. One in particular he sent when I was about 15 stuck in my memory. He told her that I would someday marry and want him to walk me down the aisle. :rofl::rofl::rofl:


36 years, two marriages, and 3 kids later I have zero desire to be in contact with the man.


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## Manchester (Oct 7, 2016)

MJJEAN said:


> Bullsh!t.
> 
> He was a man with children who committed some serious crimes to catch a 20 year sentence. Men taking care of their children to the best of their ability do so honestly so that they can be there to raise and support them. He made his choices knowing it could result in his incarceration and his children living on the outside without a father to provide for, guide, and protect them. He was the selfish one.


You don't know the circumstances. It could have been self defense. I've read stories of women being thrown in jail after they finally fight back at their abuser and knock them over the head with a bat and crush their skull.

He could have had prior offenses for drugs or something and the judge gave him a strict sentence because of the piled up offenses and the "murder" might not have been premeditated or whatever.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Manchester said:


> You don't know the circumstances. It could have been self defense. I've read stories of women being thrown in jail after they finally fight back at their abuser and knock them over the head with a bat and crush their skull.
> 
> He could have had prior offenses for drugs or something and the judge gave him a strict sentence because of the piled up offenses and the "murder" might not have been premeditated or whatever.


If you re-read the OP, you will see 


"He could do no wrong in my eyes and I was the apple of his eye but when I turned eight my father was sent to prison to do a *20 year sentence*, I was devastated and didn't understand why, Although my parents where separated my mom took me to visit him weekly. *Growing up I learnt more about my father through others and I was shocked to learn he is a very respected man for all the wrong reasons and people are afraid of him.. but what sickened me was what he was sent away for.*"

This isn't the description of the behavior of an otherwise innocent man or one who acted in self defense. 

If he had piled up charges that lead to a stiff sentence his next go round, we call that a career criminal. Career criminals are NOT good parents. They are people who repeatedly break the law and get caught for it. Clearly, they know that continuing their criminal activity endangers their ability to be there to raise their children, guide them, protect them, and provide for them. Knowing this, they selfishly continue on their path.


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## Manchester (Oct 7, 2016)

Oh- when you put it that way.

He doesn't sound like such a nice guy.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Manchester said:


> Oh- when you put it that way.
> 
> He doesn't sound like such a nice guy.


Which is unfortunate for the OP. His actions are still causing her unnecessary upset.


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