# do you believe them if they say I love you?



## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

This was just something on my mind this morning. Do you believe your wayward when they say I love you? I am just contemplating it. In my case my husband says up and down he is still in love with me when I ask him, which isn't often I ask him that, I don't want to browbeat. I always say it first, which to be perfectly honest in my memory, I for the most part had always said it first, besides our first few years of marriage. 

My question is, do you ever question it, or do you feel they are just saying it back because you say it first. My gut says mine is telling the truth, but you know there is always that naggy little voice in the back of my head. What do you all think, do you believe them, and should I believe him?


----------



## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I believe they believe it. But it's nonsensical bull****.


----------



## Craggy456 (Feb 22, 2011)

I don't believe it for a second. and When he does tell me I just give him a half hearted smile


----------



## Lilyana (Apr 12, 2011)

My H hasn't said those words to me in 3 years or better.. if he said them now I know I wouldn't believe him.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I thin they do love you but they have started to compartmentalize their life the longer they are a wayward until the love isn't the same anymore that they feel.


----------



## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Depends if they are showing true remorse and guilt. If they are, they have decided they have made a serious mistake and are beginning to realize that they love you more than just as a Mom or lingering feelings from the marriage. If they say while still in contact with the OP or while still grieving that loss it's self preservation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

^ Agreed on the self-preservation thing. If they are still in contact with the OP, they are just saying it so they can believe it. It's BS.


----------



## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

Very interesting perspective. While I do believe for the most part there hasn't been any contact, it has come a long way from at the end of November where he said I love you as a person, but not in love with you to I am in love with you. I have seen the way he looks at me from time to time, and I do see it, the few times he has initiated affection, I can feel it there. In my case, I kind of wonder if he's just holding back because he's been hurt just as badly as I have and is just afraid to put himself completely out there if that makes sense. I am showing my remorse and guilt and I believe am doing a hell of a job to atone for my bads, and I know it will take a long time to become a trustworthy wife again.

We are all different people, while I don't "feel" the remorse and guilt on his end as of yet, I am not in his head, he could be beating himself up over it everyday, just isn't at the step to show his remorse, or shows it in ways I don't recognize, if that makes sense. I am not making excuses for my husband, I just try to see all sides.


----------



## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Yes, I do believe my SO. I can only hope he believes me when I tell him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

I don't. She hasn't said it lately, but she has said it off and on the past few months. One night, I was watching her chat. They were discussing this site. She doesn't know exactly what site, but she thinks I have a whole group of people watching her. lol

Here is some of that chat and the relevance to your question.

Her: I have to go back to my other name after 2moro. (She thought she had been sneaky in changing their screen name. A friend was able to find them  )

Him: Y?

Her: People that my husband know watch my other name

She calls me because she thinks I'm at her table. I play it off and mention the screen name that she knew I knew. We talk a few minutes. I say "I love you". She says "I love you, too."

Her: Yes . . . we r being watched.

Him: I can't just walk away

Her: I thought u would have by now


and so on and so on. The point, she could sit on the phone and tell me she loves me without missing a beat in her conversation to him. 

It will be a long time before I believe her when she says that.

Sorry for typing so much on your thread. Got carried away.


----------



## CH (May 18, 2010)

If his actions back up the words then yes believe him. If he's all talk and there is no love (that you can feel from him) then no, it's just 3 little words that have no meaning.


----------



## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

Like I said I don't feel it all the time, sometimes it's just words, but I have felt it at times, not alot but I have felt it, so I am inclined to believe him, but like I said there's that little voice that questions everything, I am sure he has that little voice too, I just need to tell that little voice to shut up sometimes and concentrate in the now instead of overanalyzing things.


----------



## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

HELL NO! Those words are just so vacant and hollow to me these days. If she did love me like she said, we wouldn't be in this mess. I can see that she is so "gun shy" now about relating any of her feelings to me about love because I just pay no mind to them. Its her own fault though. She's gonna have to live with the fact that anything she does to try and repair this falls by the wayside now. She asked me once- "Do you still love me?"- to which my reply was: "It doesn't matter anymore." I hate it when they use the words "love," or "soul-mate" to describe their feelings. Just a bunch of BS if you ask me. Like I said... we wouldn't be in this position if you REALLY loved me like you say you do. Go tell that to the guy you screwed. Maybe he'll believe you.


----------



## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

I believe you.. I believe you ... I believe you.. I believe you .. liar

sorry words from a song..


----------



## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

My H has still told me he loved me even after I found the proof of his sexual escapades but why should I believe him? You don't cause this kind of pain to someone you love. (It's been a week now since the last time he said ILY)


----------



## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

Sometimes I do.

Sometimes I wonder if it's just a show for my benefit.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

Good question.
I believe her to an extent. She say's "I Love You" and "Love You" but I think what she means is she loves me on more of a basic level. It has been a few months since D-day and only a little over a month since no contact. She always says it first…unsolicited. She is getting much more consistent and frequent. I will only say it in response to her. I think her feelings are disolving for the OM and growing towards me slowly...day to day. 

There is also the type of verbal "I Love You" question…what she actually say's. "I Love You" vs "Love You". 
I feel the complete phrase "I Love You" is more sincere and heart felt where as the truncated version "Love You" is much more casual and shallow. I am not impressed by the latter and don't consider it as genuine.


----------



## just_peachy (Apr 8, 2011)

DDay was 4/11/11. I haven't heard those words since, so there's nothing to believe or disbelieve there.

I have heard "I love you, but I'm not in love with you and "I haven't loved you for a long time," both sortly after DDay. The former is a load of crap; the latter I find easier to believe, sometimes scarily so, given we're supposed to be working toward reconciliation.


----------



## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

ok so I change my answer last night he said he doesn't have love feelings towards me, but said this morning he does love me, bull****. I told him that until he can get his head on straight, I will not give him the gift of the words I love you anymore until he can say them to me first and/or actually mean them. I am not going to waste my words of love on him, until he deserves them.


----------



## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

Sometimes I'm unsure if my W really means it because she had told me twice shortly after D-Day (Oct 2010) that she wasn't in love with me anymore, so sometimes when she says she loves me I think about all of that.

I've talked to her about it a few times and she said she didn't really mean it when she said it and she doesn't know why she said it and that she really does love me. Though she said it to me once when she was sober and another time when she was extremely drunk and I think people tend to express how they really feel when they are really drunk.


----------



## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

husband said the not love feeling bs last night while under influence, and has expressed being in love with me under the influence as well, so who knows. I just know he doesn't get to hear it again from me until he truly recommits to me, because it kills me when I don't always hear it back and wonder if it's because he didn't hear me or because he just doesn't answer.


----------



## Lilyana (Apr 12, 2011)

My H still hasn't said he loves me.. its been a long time, at least 3 years since he said it. He keeps whining to me about how hes confused, doesn't know what he wants. Wants to work it out but wonders if theres something better out there.. midlife crisis at 36? no I don't think so.. i think hes just a selfish prick.

I told him I loved him a few times these last few months.. with no reply back.. I have since stopped telling him. Yesterday i demanded he make up his mind by the middle of June. (our daughters birthday is coming up, I'm not wanting to make her birthday a traumatic 'mommy and daddy broke up on my birthday' event) so thats why I have given him that long. If he hasnt decided by then, I will decide for him.


----------



## Bigwayneo (Jan 22, 2011)

I am torn on this. She says it all the time to reassure me. Most of the time I just utter the words out. Do I lover her? Yes. The same? not even close. I felt like the luckiest guy in the world with her before the A. Now....well most of you know what it is like now.


----------



## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

I said I love you to him, didn't say it back.....I said you know that hurts, but I guess it is what it is...I just wonder when I cut my losses, I do love him so much, this is proving that I loved him more than he ever loved me, regardless of what happened in the past, because I stood beside him through some pretty mind boggling stuff, besides the swap. He got a dui years ago which caused him to lose his job, and I stood by him, he has that job back now, but he wanted to take an online carpentry class, I encouraged him. I just get effin tired of him rewriting history. I am just emotionally beaten, I have gotten into the habit of snuggling with him at night, at my initiation, I have found myself purposely staying away from him but to find myself all snuggled up against him while I sleep. I just don't know what to do. I love this man, I know he is still there, how the hell do I fight the emotional wall, how do I fight the back and forth, I will be back in the morning, I have two 4 day old kittens that a first time momma rejected that I am a mommy for now. Off subject from last sentence, how do I keep myself vulnerable and not shut down, because I am ready to just shut it down regardless of my love for him. My husband is a good man brilliant but how can he be so stupid?


----------



## loveless25 (Jan 5, 2011)

no I dont believe him. He still wont tell me who he cheated with. when he says he loves me i get this distant feeling. sometimes I dont say anything.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Why not? I believe that guy who says he's the lawyer of the royal family of Nigeria too.


----------



## JazzTango2Step (Apr 4, 2011)

I want to believe it, but wanting it sometimes isn't enough.


----------



## Lilyana (Apr 12, 2011)

Yeah i'd believe it, about as much as i believe that he stopped talking to OW.. smoke n mirrors.. b*llsh*t....can't believe anything they say


----------



## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

Right now I'll only believe it if he says it first, I can't say it to him knowing he won't say it back right now, it's too painful, he knows I do.


----------



## Lilyana (Apr 12, 2011)

some times love isn't enough.. sad but true


----------



## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

I know, and it breaks my heart just reading what you posted above, I am grieving right now at what could very likely happen. Maybe by grieving now, it will make it easier if he does leave.


----------



## Lilyana (Apr 12, 2011)

I think we all grieve a little bit for their departure even before they are gone


----------



## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

The one thing that I think is more likely than anything is this...let's say for conversations sake he isn't in the "fog", again I say IF. I think it's highly likely that he does have a great deal of love for me still, but has compartmentalized it where it takes it out from time to time, feels it and then puts it away, therefore not having those loving feelings because he is afraid to get hurt again and put himself out there. Either way I can't help it, but I was thinking about that possible scenario, while I would like to think that is most likely, I don't know, it's also highly and most likely in the fog. I get the not wanting to get hurt again, I totally get that.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Lilyana said:


> some times love isn't enough.. sad but true


This is true. Just because you love someone doesn't mean you should be w/ them.


----------



## Lilyana (Apr 12, 2011)

I don't think i necessarily love my H now.. I love the man he USED to be.. way back when he could show me he loved me. I keep digging for that man, but i think, wait no, I know that man is long gone.

Hence the mourning and grieving.. even though he is still physically here, he is not emotionally here, and hasn't been for a long time.


----------



## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

Whereas now for me, I do love him for who he is now, on this level...we still laugh, we still get along, we are still very attracted to each other. I see the man I love there all of the time, actually more often than not. I do love the way he is standing up for himself and says he is not going to take my "crap" anymore, even though I had to deal with plenty, but that's not where I am trying to go. The thing that is missing for him right now is the love, I do believe it is still there, hiding, but who knows. I love him now even though he can't show me he loves me now. It's not a desperate love, but love for who he is, and what he has the potential to become. Despite our behaviors, I am very proud of this man.


----------

