# Ex-wife doesn't seem to want extra time with our daughter



## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

Our whole divorce process was pretty near perfect. We agreed on the amount of child support I'd give her and a 50/50 custody arrangement. For the most part, we've been consistent. I should thank my lucky stars. I even have full custody of our dog.


The part that I don't understand is that she works for the school district and I am self- employed and work most Saturdays as well as an occasional Sunday. She is off all weekends and holidays. In order for me to pay more child support I had to, I have to work when the business comes my way. Our daughter is almost 16, so she likes being home alone sometimes.


Over the Summer, on my days, she is at my place by herself while her mother was not working and doing who knows what...Most other people who work in education, usually have a Summer gig... Not her. I would think when she has time off from work like the week of Thanksgiving, Christmas, or Summer, she would want to spend time with our daughter so she's not alone at my place. Even our dog is alone at my place. I do come home for lunch to take him out. She doesn't seem to want the responsibility of him either...


Sometimes my schedule changes either because I go out of town for work or take a few days vacation with my GF and she lets me make up for my time away from our daughter when I get back. The only problem is that it may effect my alone time with my gf. My daughter really likes her though, probably more than she like me. She even likes her adult son and his gf. We all went to see the zoo lights and was near perfect. 


I guess my rant is that she would rather our daughter be alone all day with our dog instead of saying..." hey, being that you're working all day, how about I keep them and you can pick her up on your way home".


Then again, Maybe I should thank my lucky stars that she is so passive. I'm thinking about telling my ex I want more time with our daughter.


FYI... I'm in a very happy place in my life. I've come a long way from my unhappiness several years back. Y'all were there for my craziness, so just want to say thanks.


-Jaxson


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Your wife is who she is. No surprises there at all. Continue building your life and don’t give what she does or doesn’t do a moment’s thought. 

I was one who thought you’d spend the rest of your life married, and unhappy, to her. Glad that’s not the case.


----------



## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

Openminded said:


> Your wife is who she is. No surprises there at all. Continue building your life and don’t give what she does or doesn’t do a moment’s thought.
> 
> I was one who thought you’d spend the rest of your life married, and unhappy, to her. Glad that’s not the case.



I think I got to the point that I'd rather be old and alone in my own apartment with the possibility that my own daughter may not even want to come see me. That wasn't the case at all.


Most everybody I know tells me how happy I look compared to the lonely miserable person I was several years ago. I have this whole new lease on life. I wish I would've had the courage to divorce years ago.

you are right. She is who she is. That will never change. it was crazy of me to think she would.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Have you talked with your daughter about this? While I think it’s super crappy of her mom to not spend the time with her, maybe your daughter prefers it that way. Also since she’s 16, maybe she ought to have a part time job to help fill her time when you work. 




Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

3Xnocharm said:


> Have you talked with your daughter about this? While I think it’s super crappy of her mom to not spend the time with her, maybe your daughter prefers it that way. Also since she’s 16, maybe she ought to have a part time job to help fill her time when you work.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I get the impression the mother has shared custody and spends time with the daughter during her parenting time. Which actually makes this make sense to me. 

First thought, the kid is 16 and very close to adulthood. Not an age where they want to spend copious amounts of time with parents. If she were calling her mom and asking they spend time together I would see it differently, but that hasn't been said, so I'm going with kiddo is probably quite happy to have some alone time doing teenage things.

Second thought, a lot of divorced parents don't want to intrude on their co-parent's parenting time unless there is a special occasion, some event, or an emergency.

Third thought, good God, yes on the job! The Devil makes work for idle hands. Not to mention teens benefit from the learning experience.


----------



## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

OP, is she trying to get out of spending "her" time with your daughter? Or is it just that you think she ought to take your daughter during "your" time too? 

If it's your time with your daughter, then it's not your ex-wife's responsibility to take care of her - barring an emergency or actual neglect on your part, of course. Just as it wouldn't really be appropriate for her to ask you to repeatedly take your daughter during what should be "her" time. This is just what parenting as a divorced couple is all about. When it's your time, you're the parent. When it's her time, she's the parent. 

Sure, it might be really nice if your ex-wife wanted to spend some extra time with your daughter, or would volunteer to do you a favor by taking more time in the Summer so you could work more. But it's not a requirement. You two have 50/50 custody. If she's not using her 50, then she's probably a pretty crappy parent. But if you're trying to give her (i.e. "not use") part of your 50, then are you being any better?

And, if you got "custody" of the dog, then that's _your_ dog. You don't really get to now feel resentful that your ex-wife isn't volunteering to provide dog-sitting for _your_ dog. Just as you couldn't reasonably resent the mailman or a neighbor or some rando off the street for not volunteering to take care of your dog for you. It's not their dog. It's your dog. And, thus, your responsibility to make suitable arrangements for it's care. 

Your wife has more free time than you do during the summers? Yeah, that's kinda a bummer. But there's official paperwork down at the courthouse that says that her free time, how much she has of it or what she's doing with it, is no longer any of your business. Just as your free time is none of her business. Because you two are divorced. 

Is your resentment really about this current situation, or is it carry-over from the marriage? Perhaps it's time to work on creating more emotional distance between you and your ex-wife.


----------



## 2&out (Apr 16, 2015)

Don't try to make a problem where none exists. Unless I missed something daughter is fine with things as they are. Why upset the apple cart ? Make her get a job ? Seriously ? If she wants a job great. She can take the initiative and get one. Otherwise no. Let her be a kid for the short time she has left. She's got like 50 plus years to work ahead of her - why push her into all that "fun" ?


----------



## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

2&out said:


> Don't try to make a problem where none exists. Unless I missed something daughter is fine with things as they are. Why upset the apple cart ? Make her get a job ? Seriously ? If she wants a job great. She can take the initiative and get one. Otherwise no. Let her be a kid for the short time she has left. She's got like 50 plus years to work ahead of her - why push her into all that "fun" ?




Yay on the first part but boo on the second. She can choose something (even part time...what a luxury) that she enjoys which will give her a positive outlook on employment and also learn the value of earning her own money. There are SO many positives about engaging life! It would also help on a mental level considering the recent divorce. 

~the dog?
lol 


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


----------



## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

And speaking of the dog... I completely agree. He’s YOUR dog now. I haven’t heard one peep from my XH about “our” dogs. That’s ok because they are MINE  I’m sure they are grateful 


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


----------



## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

I wouldn’t raise the issue with your daughter, but of course be prepared to talk about it if she does. From what I recall from your posts during your marriage, it wouldn’t surprise me if your daughter has not felt the love from Mom she has wanted to feel, even if it’s been there. If so, that’s a reflection of your XW’s personality quirks, not your daughter’s worth.

For now, your daughter may be blissfully ignorant of the math... so, I wouldn’t bring it to her attention.

My 2 cents.

ETA: I’d also think long and hard about encouraging your XW to give up time with your daughter. I’ve not been in your shoes, but offhand it occurs to me that if Mom gives up the time easily, then daughter might feel as if Mom doesn’t want her around. As it stands now, daughter probably feels you both negotiated the most time you could each have with her.


----------



## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

I guess I am more concerned with how my daughter feels on weekends or a holiday, and over the Summer when she is alone at my place when I have a full workday and her mother not doing all that much. Maybe I hear so much about the fighting other divorced parents go through over time with the kids and I didn't experience any of that. I should be grateful for that. She is old enough to be home alone at my place or alone at her moms which she may like it better that way.

Like I said earlier, we had an amazingly easy divorce and both of us are flexible if the days switch, which it usually does.

I have to realize my baby is growing up and in spite of everything, our daughter seems well adjusted. And I may be creating a problem where it doesn't exist. What I find amazing is that when I started dating my gf, she encouraged me to go out to dinner even though she would be home alone. She's definitely not a baby anymore.

Ok... I'm good now...


----------



## Amplifi (Jan 22, 2020)

Same boat here, exwife values her free time far more than time with our kids. Sad.


----------



## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Sounds like you are paying too much for what you actually make. I had to work many hours overtime to keep up with my rent, utilities, food and clothing. I still had to cut grass on the side to have 20 bucks to buy a beer or two once in a while on my own. 

I could do nothing about what was reported because the paymaster was told to report at pain of imprisonment. He told me this to my face. 

You can, being self-employed. You are not writing off what you could. You could have made it look like you only made a certain amount, so that you could pay a reasonable amount of child support. It's like you told them you are flush with work and cash. When self-employed, you can never tell how business will be. 

It would have been better to pay for a good accountant and go over what you knew you could pay without sweating out whether you will have weekend work to stay out of jail. That's what could happen, if you don't pay what the order says. Even if you simply don't have it or would live in your vehicle after paying. 

You got yourself into this. See some professionals to help you get out. It takes six months of less income in my 'neck of the woods' to change an existing order in a negative fashion. Good luck. If you continue down this path, you may have nothing to retire on. Fight for fairness. Pay what you actually can after having a moderate living and retirement savings. Don't cheat your child out of life by paying too little. Just make it as fair as possible.


----------

