# Marriage issues



## Droberts73 (Aug 6, 2018)

I hope this is the appropriate place to discuss marriage issues. I’m new here. Having some issues with my husband and I would like some input and thoughts. 

My husband has withdrawn money from our joint account which included some of my pay check. This all started when he was accusing/asking me about different people I had on my fb account. No I am not cheating. He also has removed his wedding band and blocked me from his fb. I’m puzzled by his strange behavior. Bills are due and without the money that he withdrew from our account I cannot pay them in which one was due today. Oh along with all of this he is giving me the silent treatment which has went on for 4 days. Last night however he did throw a pizza in the oven and brought me a plate, I did thank him. However he still did not talk. Needless to say I didn’t either because I guess to be honest I feel he owes me some kind of explanation on why he is behaving this way, an apology or something. I just want to know how would you handle this? Have you dealt with this? Thoughts? Anything. Thank you so much!


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

Not even sure where to begin. Removing the wedding band on it's own is a crime against the marriage, the other items on their own are very odd and need to be explained by him.

Removing the wedding band + all those other things together = an outright act of war against the marriage. 

Has he done anything like this before. Is this a young marriage, any kids. With everything else he just did it seems like he is projecting accusations against you (accusing you of what he is actually doing wrong)

He needs to start talking and fast. You will get more advice on what do to and what this might be from others. I have reached my quota of pulling the cheater accusation card today.


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## Droberts73 (Aug 6, 2018)

Thanks for the response. To answer your questions. Yes, he has done something similar before. A little over a year ago, I did find out he stopped taking his meds back then, Depression type medicine. He has always had a temper on and off. We have been married 24 years. He has never been diagnosed with any type of mental illness but I have questioned it. Back a year ago when he suddenly went off all his meds he flipped out and left me for about 3 weeks with no contact, come to find out he had been with another woman. I forgave him and let him back in because I do truly love this man with my whole heart. Kids? Yes, we had one together he passed away from a car accident 6 years ago he was 16 at the time. And no, he has had a temper even before losing our son and did crazy things before. I have one daughter from a previous marriage and he has one daughter from a previous marriage in which he doesn’t associate with which is another issue. I’m truly just at a loss. Just like now it’s 8pm and he hasn’t arrived home from work??!? I don’t know if he is doing this to upset me or is he truly working or what?


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## Raena (Aug 4, 2018)

stillfightingforus said:


> Not even sure where to begin. Removing the wedding band on it's own is a crime against the marriage, the other items on their own are very odd and need to be explained by him.
> 
> Removing the wedding band + all those other things together = an outright act of war against the marriage.
> 
> ...


I agree with stillfightingforus; you need to have a sit down talk with him to find out what is going on. Accusing you of things is one thing but removing his wedding band is on a whole different level.


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## Droberts73 (Aug 6, 2018)

But, what is your opinion?? Affair? Control? Bipolar? Or what?


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

He is most likely preparing to leave. You should prepare. 

Your statements about his past activities don't paint him as a stable individual. 

As for an affair, check his phone records. 

Best

Sent from my SM-G950U using Tapatalk


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## VibrantWings (Sep 8, 2017)

I think you should heed your own suspicions and find out what's going on with those meds. Sometimes, really horrible things can happen when people go off of them. 
For your safety, and others, I would have a serious talk with him about these mood swings and medications. Being married for a quarter of a century, I would say you have more than a right to insist. 
If he becomes too strange or violent/threatening, then don't hesitate to leave.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Droberts73 said:


> But, what is your opinion?? Affair? Control? Bipolar? Or what?


Look, we are a bunch of strangers sitting out here in cyberspace. We are not capable of diagnosing your husband's disorder, if there is one. However, I can give you my feedback/advice based on my life experiences. I married two alcoholics; one of whom was also a narcissist.

First things first, as we say in recovery (as in Al-anon). It doesn't mean squat diddly what he is. Even if you get a label/diagnosis as to what he is, what difference does it make?

What do *YOU* want to do? Because I can only tell you what I would do and what I did: I got my financial ducks in a row. I had a consultation with a good family law attorney. I apprised the situation based on the knowledge I gleaned. Then I figured out what would make ME happy for the rest of my life.

Screw trying to figure him out. First figure out who you are and what you want from life. Sorry if I'm coming across as harsh. But your husband is responsible for taking medication(s). If he refuses to do so, that is his right. You cannot force him to take care of himself, just I could not force the alcoholics in my life to get sober.

Something to consider ....


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

Back to his old ways. I see a lot of disconnect and defiantly pulling away when a spouse goes wayward. Not always, but its not uncommon. Thrown in the meds issue, and a history of depression, and I would guess he's back to doing what he did the first time around this block. 

Are you able to see where and how this money is being spent? Do check your phone bill. I don't always like to automatically jump to cheating, but I see some pretty good size red flags of that in your couple of posts. 

Take steps to protect yourself in the meantime. As they say, plan for the worst, hope for the best.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Droberts73 said:


> But, what is your opinion?? Affair? Control? Bipolar? Or what?


Not diagnosing but some things to think about. He sounds depressed and he may be Bi-polar but who knows without a doctor. 

I believe that he is cheating again but maybe not. But him thinking you are cheating is kind of a tell tell sign that he maybe. Cheaters are always afraid that they will get cheated on. 

My guess is that getting off the meds has made things worse. When he split for 3 weeks, years ago, could be a manic episode if he is by polar. But to get to the bottom of this stuff he would have to cooperate with the doctors and get a firm diagnosis. 

Also, the loss of your child, could be one of the issues. It could be that he did not work through the grief properly the first time after it happens. And that stuff always has a habit of coming back to bite you in the A$$ when you don't work through it properly. 

But, taking money out, not talking, and everything else, something big is going on with him.

I think you need to try to force him to talk, and find out what is going on. 

It is possible that he is getting ready to leave, but you wont know until he talks to you


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

I'm not a professional but he sounds bipolar to me.

I've had several friends over the years find out that they'd committed themselves to a bipolar partner who purposely neglected to TELL them they were bipolar. I have the feeling they'd had a history of having people run off on them when they told them upfront.

One friend was sitting on the floor just going through his briefcase when his bipolar live-in girlfriend went into a rage over god knows *what* and grabbed him by the hair and dragged him across the floor. Later on, she literally broke the bathroom door down when he locked himself in the bathroom, trying to avoid her and desperately trying to figure out what the hell was going on.

Of course they're not all violent, but if we're talking about someone whose AC/DC - behaving a certain way and then suddenly for no reason, enraging in irrational and sometimes anger-fueled or violent behavior, my bet is on bipolar.

Why on earth you keep putting up with this guy's **** just because you 'love him' is beyond me. You should have kicked his ass out the *last* time he pulled this crap and DESERTED you for 3 weeks. Pffft.


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## Droberts73 (Aug 6, 2018)

Thanks everyone for your thoughts, advice and opinions. Why do I stay and put up with it?? Because when he is good he is great! But when he goes off the deep end I start to question why I keep putting up with it. Last night I did think to myself why did I allow him to come back when he left me high and dry for 3 weeks..because I like to believe the best in people and I forgive easily but I also get very tired of the struggles, stress, anxiety and whatnot when he gets like this.
I did find last night he had opened up a separate checking account and put the money he had withdrawn from our joint account in there. I gave him an ultimatum either put the money back into our joint account or leave. Today he put all but 300 back into the joint account....


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Droberts73 said:


> I did find last night he had opened up a separate checking account and put the money he had withdrawn from our joint account in there. I gave him an ultimatum either put the money back into our joint account or leave. Today he put all but 300 back into the joint account....


Well of course he did. After all, if he can keep you on the hook and tolerating his nonsense, he'll do whatever he needs to do.

So I assume his putting all but $300 back in the joint account has made you okay with keeping him around for the time being?

May I suggest you think about "when he is good he is great." Uh, maybe not so great. Maybe just not as bad as he can be? 

Here's the thing I don't get: Why be with someone who is great, then treats you like crap and behaves like a loon? Doesn't CONSISTENCY count for anything???


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

The thing I would get to the bottom of is any mental health issues. If there's an issue there, everything else is just symptoms, and ones neither of you have much control over.

Call him on the not talking and taking money and say, I think it may be due to your condition and we need to see your doctor. The two of you need to see his doctor and describe all of the symptoms and get an evaluation. Of course, he doesn't have to take you along and w/o his permission his doctor can't discuss his condition w/ you and in that case you are just a passenger on the crazy train and you should just get off. Good luck.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

You are lost in this situation because you have no standards on which to base your response to it all. What we strangers on this board think shouldn't matter to you one bit. The only thing that should matter is that he is being extremely disrespectful and is treating you very badly. You should have a core basis of fundamental standards, beliefs, and self worth to guide your reaction to this. You have never had any standards for yourself or your husband to abide by and live up to. If you did, you would have known that _"I do truly love this man with my whole heart" is no reason to forgive infidelity. It only means you were too weak and had no boundaries to do what you should have done. The only thing you accomplished by forgiving him was to provide more opportunity for him to cheat on you again and become better at hiding it. There's no telling what he's been doing since then. A cheater has no respect for being forgiven, and the forgiving spouse has no respect for herself, and that's the reason he is treating you so badly now. He's not only disrespectful, but he's actually very brazen about it because you have not had the mental and emotional fortitude to demand his respect. You've just been sitting there taking his disrespect....and wondering why you keep taking it.

Instead of sitting there waiting for him to come home and hoping he will acknowledge your presence at some point instead of giving you the silent treatment, what you need to be doing right now is packing his belongings and then throwing them on the porch for him to collect whenever he does finally decide to wander back. You should have the nerve to show him you refuse to be treated this way and there will be consequences.

Just so you know, he has been prescribed medication for depression (more than one, no less), which means he has been diagnosed with a mental illness because depression is a mental illness.

However, that is NOT the reason he cheated on you, nor is it the reason for his behavior now. You can give it that excuse if you can't face the facts and bring yourself to respond in a self-respecting manner, but it won't help your situation._


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

Talk to him and ask him what do you do that upsets him. Is it all the guys you friended on Facebook? Secretive about your phone and computer use? My wife and I have Facebook pages but they are private and only have friends that we personally know. Why do I care what strangers do or why should I share my life with strangers. Why do people need to do that? I would not be too happy if my wife had all sorts of guys posting on her Page or Messengering her. She would not be happy if I did the same with women we do not know.

You are not going to get anywhere unless you get him to open up as to what is bothering him. I was cheated on by an ex fiancé and ex girlfriend because I never questioned where they were going or what they were doing. They were going to places where guys picked up girls and girls drank for free. Now I never trust anyone 100%. I learned my lesson about how a male can become a friend and then someone who listens and agrees with her all the time because his goal is go get in her pants. Then when she is mad at me and goes out for drinks with her male buddy, trouble happens.

I did not make the same mistake with my wife. We only go out with other couples. We do go out without each other for club meetings, bingo, etc.. but we are with other married people and at places where no one is drinking or trying to find a date for the night. We each have full access to each other's electronic devices but never check since just knowing we can look at it is enough to establish a high level of trust. We also both can track each other's iPhone so we know where the other is. We reply to each other's calls and texts almost immediately. We know each other's friends. 

To solve your problem all you need to do is establish boundaries and rules not only to make sure the other is not cheating but also prevent the possibility of cheating by avoiding places where mostly singles go. This has worked well for us over our 46 years of marriage. In short we do not do anything go make the other suspicious. Lest you think we are prudes, we shared the same girlfriend for most of our marriage and wife swapped with friends. However, we did it as a couple where we could see each other and make sure that fun sex did not turn into making love. We even had rules for that.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

StarFires said:


> Just so you know, he has been prescribed medication for depression (more than one, no less), which means he has been diagnosed with a mental illness because depression is a mental illness.
> 
> However, that is NOT the reason he cheated on you, nor is it the reason for his behavior now. You can give it that excuse if you can't face the facts and bring yourself to respond in a self-respecting manner, but it won't help your situation.


^^This.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

He is projecting his own behavior onto you, classic cheater move. For some odd reason, cheaters are terrified that the partner they are betraying is also doing the same thing... go figure.. It sounds like he is likely off his meds and you need to approach it the same way you did the bank account. Either he gets back on his meds (or new ones if needed) or you are OUT of there. And if he IS indeed cheating again... let him go this time.


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