# My wife cheated on me and don't know what to do.



## JoeEdward (Sep 8, 2014)

My wife cheated on me and don't know what to do. We were having problems with our relationship for a year or better before she was unfaithful. We were not talking and had resented each other. She works as a bartender and is around guys all the time and one of the patrons are who eventually got to her. After she was caught we split for a couple of months and now we started talking again. I currently rent an apartment but not big enough for the kids so I often stay at the house when she has to work. I love being around this woman but can't say that she does me. I mean she tells me that she wants to work on things and shows interest once in a while and that I am pushing her. This past weekend we did have sex but not sure it was because she wanted me just the sex. She goes out and party's now more than when our marriage was good. She tells me that I have nothing to worry about and that if she does have feelings for somebody else she would tell me cause she doesn't want to go through this again. She would rather hang with friends and coworkers when we are out and gets drunk off her ass and tells me that I need to find some friends to hang with. She talks like she wants to be with me in the long run saying things like we should buy bigger house or making plans that have me in them but are years away from the plans. We don't kiss and aren't physically close, when she leaves for work she seldom says by. Granted it has only been 4 months since this has all came out I feel like we are a lot closer to each other than we were before the affair just not as close as I would like to be right now. Am I pushing the issue by wanting more from her or is she just holding on till she finds something better. I would be interested in knowing what you think. I know I am rambling but if you want to know more let me know and I will continue on. I could write a book about how I am feeling.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Questions...

How old are the two of you and how long have you been married?

How many kids and how old are they?

What do you do for work?

Is she still seeing the other guy at all? Does he still come into the bar? Are they still involved at all? How long did the affair last?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

How long did the affair last?

Who was it with?

How did you find out?

Has she stopped seeing this guy?


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## JoeEdward (Sep 8, 2014)

The affair was a one night thing but spent a lot of time around him before and talked with him after so phyically a one night stand but emotionally for at least a couple of months. He was a regular there. She bartends at that bar maybe once or twice a month and has started at another bar in a diffent town. They no longer talk and she tells me that she hates him. We are 31 and 29 and have been married for 5 years been together for 10. We have 2 kids and they are 4 and 2. I found out about the affair because she stopped talking to her niece that would always talk and be over to the house. Even though we were having problems we would talk but she just seemed like she got further away. I eventually got onto her facebook account and read the messages and then her niece told me that was why they weren't talking. I work as an Electrician and make decent money.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

She's interested in having you as a backup and ATM, most likely. She's not interested in actually repairing the marriage. But she'll keep eating her cake for as long as you'll let her. Why shouldn't she?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

How long has she been working at bars?


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Joe,

What you've just described is a non-remorseful cheating wife who has checked out of your marriage and has ample opportunity to continue to cheat with the type of job she has. It's a shame you have children that have to go through this; but the advice is to implement the 180 to detach from her and to start the divorce process. It can always be delayed if she demonstrates remorse, quits working at bars, stops the GNO's, and is willing to do the heavy lifting to help you heal.

From what I read, I don't see there's much chance of her turning around; but if there is, it will be because she understands what it's like to lose her husband for cheating on him.


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## JoeEdward (Sep 8, 2014)

She's been working as a bartender since shortly before we started together. She is in school now and was working as a CNA in the hospice department. This is when she cheated cause she would have to travel far enough and didn't want to come home for the night so she told me she would stay with family in the area. Little did I know she was only a few miles from the house.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

Your WW does not seem to be showing any remorse for what she has done or doing anything to help you heal from her betrayal.

Time to wake her up to the damage she has caused and what she is at serious risk of losing.

Consult an attorney and get the paperwork necessary to start D.

Then sit her down with the paperwork in front of you and tell her that you have talked to a lawyer and are on the verge of filing D.

Tell her you are doing this because she has shown zero remorse for how she betrayed you and is making no effort to help repair the M....and you have no desire to remain married to a remorseless cheater who wants to just rugsweep the A and continue on like nothing has happened.

She needs to send a no contact (NC) letter, text, or e-mail to this POS and tell you exactly who he is....if this sh*tbag has a W or gf, you need to contact her and expose the A on his end.

This will make sure he has to scramble to save his own a** instead of thinking about ways to restart the A with your WW.

Your WW needs to provide you transparency to you of her phone, Facebook, etc, to make sure NC is kept.

Nights out drinking with her friends need to stop ASAP....on the path you are currently on, it is only a matter of time before she does it again.

Lastly, expose the A to both your families and all friends....tell them you might be willing to R, but not if she continues with her poor behavior and attitude and you are considering filing for D....ask them to assist you in getting the message across to your WW that she is on the verge of losing her family and life as she knows it, if she doesn't start doing the heavy lifting to fix this disaster she created.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

File for divorce. There is nothing here to save.


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## JoeEdward (Sep 8, 2014)

She wants me to be over for supper every night even when she doesn't work, then gets mad when I don't tell her where I am. Not sure if she's playing a game with me and maybe its cause I am playing a blind eye. I have asked to see her phone and get onto her e-mail accounts and she has no problem letting me. She tells me she has nothing to hide. It feels as though she is trying and I feel that she should show more interest in me if that's what she wants. She was the one that cheated. I told her the other day that I needed a girl toy and she about came unglued on me.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Joe, a lot of cheating wives don't get it. They either don't know what they have to do to save the marriage or they don't care enough. But there's no excuse for you accepting anything less than genuine, snot blowing, slobbering remorse on her part.

Nothing wrong with telling her that. Be decisive. Formulate your exit plan. Go see an attorney. Get the D rolling. That might or might not change her attitude. But you have to be willing to end your marriage to have a small chance at saving it.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

"I told her the other day that I needed a girl toy and she about came unglued on me."

Tell her,that if just the thought of this possibility upset her that much, she should put herself in YOUR shoes.

You are living that pain right now....and she is doing little to nothing to help heal it.

She continues to go out drinking and partying with her friends....the EXACT same scenario that led to her cheating before.

Ask her why you should trust her that it won't happen again.

She is paranoid about YOU stepping out?....who is the person that is still continuing the wayward behaviors that lead to A's?

Inform your WW that she better wake up to how you are felling and the damage she has done to your relationship/connection.

Tell her you have tried to be patient, but your patience is wearing thin.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

When people show you who they are, believe them.

This lifestyle she's leading is incongruous with being married and being a mother.

She needs to come to this on her own.

Oh, and I'd put good money down that this is only the affair that you've _caught_ her in.

In my heyday I banged many a hot waitress/bartender after hours at some club. It's just what many of them do.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

JoeEdward said:


> The affair was a one night thing but spent a lot of time around him before and talked with him after so phyically a one night stand but emotionally for at least a couple of months.


If they were talking after the ONS, then they were probably f*cking after the ONS as well. Anyway, how long after the supposed ONS did you find out about it?



JoeEdward said:


> He was a regular there.


And he probably still is. Seriously, why would we he stop going?



JoeEdward said:


> She bartends at that bar maybe once or twice a month and has started at another bar in a diffent town. *They no longer talk and she tells me that she hates him.*


*cough* Bullsh*t!

Hell, he's probably a regular at the other bar as well.



JoeEdward said:


> We are 31 and 29 and have been married for 5 years been together for 10. We have 2 kids and they are 4 and 2.





JoeEdward said:


> She's been working as a bartender since shortly before we started together.





JoeEdward said:


> She tells me she has nothing to hide.


I *really*, *Really*, *REALLY* hate to say this, but I'm going to do it anyway...

DNA your kids. You may very well find out that she's "hiding" a couple of affair babies, and in plain sight, no less.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

marduk said:


> When people show you who they are, believe them.
> 
> *This lifestyle she's leading is incongruous with being married and being a mother.*
> 
> ...


Exactly correct. It's probably great if you need some poor, naive sap to provide for a couple of affair babies, though.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Joe

It is obvious your wife does not know what she wants.

Hence the wanting to know where you are when you are not there but practically treating you like stranger when you are.

While you realize you cannot control your wifes actions you can certainly show her consequences for her actions.

1. Speak to an attorney regarding divorce. Know the answers before you ever tell her you have spoken to an attorney.

Then scare the crap out of her when you tell her you have met with an attorney and you would like to discuss the future of your family and marriage.

2. Show her what her life will be like without you in it. Right now you are the babysitter. You are there when she goes out to "bartend" or "party" wit her friends.

Do not settle for her behavior. She needs to grow up. And if she does not want to be an adult you will replace her with a woman who wants to be your wife and a good mom that puts their kids needs before her own.

3. Get your finances under control. Not under her control.

4. Move back in and if she puts up a stink hand her the key for your apartment....

Get tough my man. Show her tough love and then tell us what happens. How she reacts.

Keep posting.

HM


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

So basically she wants to keep you around, but if she finds someone better, she will let you know, because she doesn't want to deal with the drama again.

Time to move on completely. You were having problems before she cheated. And she doesn't seem all that interested on recommitting to you.

I'm glad you moved out- work on getting a bigger place if that is what's necessary to have your kids over.

Question- why did you move out instead of kicking her out? Because of the young kids, I assume?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

JoeEdward said:


> She's been working as a bartender since shortly before we started together. She is in school now and was working as a CNA in the hospice department. This is when she cheated cause she would have to travel far enough and didn't want to come home for the night so she told me she would stay with family in the area. Little did I know she was only a few miles from the house.


That's f--king LOW. A mere miles away, with you and two babies at home.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## z_man (Nov 1, 2013)

happyman64 said:


> Joe
> 
> It is obvious your wife does not know what she wants.
> 
> ...


I would suggest that his wife knows exactly what she wants; a provider husband to babysit her kids and pay her expenses, while she enjoys the single life.

Her wanting to know (freak out about) where he is and who he is with, is her way to gauge how invested the Op still is so she can plan accordingly to keep him on the hook.

Agree with everything else happyman64 posted.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

She might want the single life but then why would she get upset when he mentions getting a GF???

She has been with the OP since she was 19 if my math is right.

She is having an identity crisis. She made a very selfish decision to cheat. She does not know if she is a wife, mother, gf, single woman. 

And until Joe calls her out on her nonsense well we have seen what has happened so far. Not much...

And she continues to make selfish decisions by partying and living the single lifestyle.

Her decisions have consequences. But until JoeEdward shows her those consequences so she feels them nothing will change.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

badmemory said:


> Joe,
> 
> What you've just described is a non-remorseful cheating wife who has checked out of your marriage and has ample opportunity to continue to cheat with the type of job she has. It's a shame you have children that have to go through this; but the advice is to implement the 180 to detach from her and to start the divorce process. It can always be delayed if she demonstrates remorse, quits working at bars, and is willing to do the heavy lifting to help you heal.
> 
> From what I read, I don't see there's much chance of her turning around; but if there is, it will be because she understands what it's like to lose her husband for cheating on him.


I think I agree 100% with this.

If both of you cannot take near immediate steps to really reconnect and get her out of bars, then don't bother.

It may even be best to divorce and remain friends.


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

JoeEdward said:


> She wants me to be over for supper every night even when she doesn't work, then gets mad when I don't tell her where I am. Not sure if she's playing a game with me and maybe its cause I am playing a blind eye. I have asked to see her phone and get onto her e-mail accounts and she has no problem letting me. She tells me she has nothing to hide. It feels as though she is trying and I feel that she should show more interest in me if that's what she wants. She was the one that cheated. *I told her the other day that I needed a girl toy and she about came unglued on me.[/*QUOTE]
> 
> She's had her little adventure, but, by God, you'd better not even be thinking about doing the same thing! Now that's gutsy.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

happyman64 said:


> She might want the single life but then why would she get upset when he mentions getting a GF???
> 
> She has been with the OP since she was 19 if my math is right.
> 
> ...


Why does she get jealous when threatened by another woman? Because she will lose her meal ticket to the other woman that's why. He's her human ATM. Nothing more.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

She's a barfly. A poor choice for any kind of long term relationship.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

bandit.45 said:


> She's a barfly. A poor choice for any kind of long term relationship.


This is a tough deal. I gotta admit it is not a good setup for a marriage, but she is still Joe's wife. 

Joe, have you all confronted the fact that having her around half drunk men every night is just a bad situation? Does she want to get away form that scene at all?


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## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

JoeEdward said:


> We have 2 kids and they are 4 and 2.


DNA your kids. I know you love them but you’re testing your wife not them. Don’t say anything or tell anyone. At their age they will not know what you’re doing. Buy a DNA kit at WalMart, Amazon or almost any drug store for about $30. Swab the inside of your cheek and the kid’s with a Q-tip. Send it off with another $130 to a lab.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

JoeEdward said:


> She would rather hang with friends and coworkers when we are out and gets drunk off her ass and tells me that I need to find some friends to hang with.


So she wants you to get friends so she can go out with her friends without you, and get drunk?

If you two have any chance of this marriage surviving, then this type of partying and playing out the single life needs to be over and done with. She needs to choose...partying without you and being single, or the marriage. End of story.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

JoeEdward said:


> This is when she cheated cause she would have to travel far enough *and didn't want to come home for the night so she told me she would stay with family in the area.* Little did I know she was only a few miles from the house.


Ummm... clearly they slept together more than once.

It's so convenient for her to say, "It only happened ONCE." Overnights = sex.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

happyman64 said:


> *She might want the single life but then why would she get upset when he mentions getting a GF???*
> 
> She has been with the OP since she was 19 if my math is right.
> 
> ...


Cake eating. Wants him to stay faithful while she makes up her mind. My x tried this as well


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## WolverineFan (Nov 26, 2013)

A family is always worth fighting for and if there is any semblance of hope than doing whatever you need to do to save your marriage is commendable. Counseling is obviously a high priority. Very few relationships that have involved infidelity survive without help. If you would like some more specific recommendations send me a private message and I will respond. My thoughts and prayers are with you.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

JoeEdward said:


> My wife cheated on me and don't know what to do. We were having problems with our relationship for a year or better before she was unfaithful. We were not talking and had resented each other. She works as a bartender and is around guys all the time and one of the patrons are who eventually got to her. After she was caught we split for a couple of months and now we started talking again. I currently rent an apartment but not big enough for the kids so I often stay at the house when she has to work. I love being around this woman but can't say that she does me. I mean she tells me that she wants to work on things and shows interest once in a while and that I am pushing her. This past weekend we did have sex but not sure it was because she wanted me just the sex. She goes out and party's now more than when our marriage was good. She tells me that I have nothing to worry about and that if she does have feelings for somebody else she would tell me cause she doesn't want to go through this again. She would rather hang with friends and coworkers when we are out and gets drunk off her ass and tells me that I need to find some friends to hang with. *She talks like she wants to be with me in the long run saying things like we should buy bigger house or making plans that have me in them but are years away from the plans.* We don't kiss and aren't physically close, when she leaves for work she seldom says by. Granted it has only been 4 months since this has all came out I feel like we are a lot closer to each other than we were before the affair just not as close as I would like to be right now. Am I pushing the issue by wanting more from her or is she just holding on till she finds something better. I would be interested in knowing what you think. I know I am rambling but if you want to know more let me know and I will continue on. I could write a book about how I am feeling.



See the bold.

Do NOT buy a bigger house. In fact, do not have a joint bank account with her, joint credit cards, or joint debts. Or, joint anything.

Have your own separate accounts. Keep all your transactions separate from hers.


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

Unfortunately it would seem that you were too quick to forgive and forget. 

I mean what real consequences did you give her as a result of her affair?

You moved out into a tiny apartment, and pay rent, which inconveniences you, not her than you come back a few months later pining after her.

I suspect she only wants you for financial security, and as a babysitter for the kids when she works.

A truly remorsefull wife, would be bending over backwards to please you.

Not going out drinking, partying, with god knows who.

I honestly suggest a 180 is needed by you big time. Either she stops partying, and going out, gives you full access to facebook and other passwords, or you seriously consider seeing a lawyer and resolving this deal once and for all.

At the moment your wife has no incentive to change, she has gotten away scot free for her indescretions, and you are still focused on playing Mr Nice Guy.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

JoeEdward said:


> My wife cheated on me and don't know what to do.


This is saying enough... Being cheated on can be a terrible tragedy, similar or worse than losing a loved one.



JoeEdward said:


> We were having problems with our relationship for a year or better before she was unfaithful. We were not talking and had resented each other.


Looking back was there anything you could have done to help that situation other than being a sacrificial lamb?




JoeEdward said:


> She works as a bartender and is around guys all the time and one of the patrons are who eventually got to her.


Yes if you fight a lot and you have one of the relationship partners going out a lot or hanging out on the club scene, eventually many of the people out there will be more interesting. It won't be hard for them to say what she needs to say.



JoeEdward said:


> After she was caught we split for a couple of months and now we started talking again.


How did she get caught. I was going to ask about consequence, but whose idea was it to "split" after she got caught. If it was her idea, she likely continued on in her affair. If it was your idea because you weren't taking that crap, great idea.




JoeEdward said:


> I currently rent an apartment but not big enough for the kids so I often stay at the house when she has to work.


So you guys are still married and have an apartment which is mostly yours and a house where she is at?



JoeEdward said:


> I love being around this woman but can't say that she does me.


What do you love being around her for? How can you love to be around someone who doesn't love to be around you? Are you hanging onto a memory when you thought times where great?



JoeEdward said:


> I mean she tells me that she wants to work on things and shows interest once in a while and that I am pushing her. This past weekend we did have sex but not sure it was because she wanted me just the sex.


Sex is better than no sex. Of course unless you are following an OM, then your self respect is worth more.



JoeEdward said:


> She goes out and party's now more than when our marriage was good. She tells me that I have nothing to worry about and that if she does have feelings for somebody else she would tell me cause she doesn't want to go through this again.


Familiar.



JoeEdward said:


> She would rather hang with friends and coworkers when we are out and gets drunk off her ass and tells me that I need to find some friends to hang with.


Her true feelings, she doesn't want to be your only or main source of support. She has "friends" and talks to people, why can't you. I think it's not a bad advice and can help you guys balance. Find and make new friends centered around some of your outside hobbies and in your workplace. Do some things outside the house, even in bars instead of complaining about hers, give her something to complain about.



JoeEdward said:


> She talks like she wants to be with me in the long run saying things like we should buy bigger house or making plans that have me in them but are years away from the plans.


She knows you are a good provider and when she thinks of those nicer things, you equate to it. Others might not fit that picture.



JoeEdward said:


> We don't kiss and aren't physically close, when she leaves for work she seldom says by. Granted it has only been 4 months since this has all came out I feel like we are a lot closer to each other than we were before the affair just not as close as I would like to be right now.


Get close to YOU and let her decide to persue if she wants. You've already pursued her long and hard enough, with not a lot of reciprocation.



JoeEdward said:


> Am I pushing the issue by wanting more from her or is she just holding on till she finds something better.


Probably. I wouldn't push her, and I know it is super hard. Pray! Ask god to help you find your center and to become more self sufficient outside of her. 



JoeEdward said:


> I would be interested in knowing what you think. I know I am rambling but if you want to know more let me know and I will continue on. I could write a book about how I am feeling.


I could too. You see we don't help ourselves when we let these people feel like we are just an option. They have to feel like they have a prize. The world will tell them you are the prize. So enjoy yourself and have faith that the magic will rebalance things, and if it's not with her it will be with someone else.

I would get into myself and have fun, be less dependable, less reliable and depend on her less for validation. Find a way to completely fill that without her, if she wants to add to it fine.

perhaps one day she will truly come to appreciate the fine man she has, but right now she feels like she has so many options and she is your only one. Have options.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Please get your kids DNA tested more for her to show what you think of her word.
I would file for d then see how she reacts.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

It takes two to make the marriage work and as of now, your trying and she's giving nothing but lip service hoping that it will be enough to keep you hanging on.

That my friend is not a marriage let alone any compromise. She wants to hang out with friends and drink and you take care of the rest.

You have to ask yourself if you deserve better than your getting. Hell, your getting nothing so if it was me, I would be seeking a lawyer, handing her walking papers and moving on. All your doing right now is spinning your wheels.


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

JoeEdward said:


> My wife cheated on me and don't know what to do. We were having problems with our relationship for a year or better before she was unfaithful. We were not talking and had resented each other. She works as a bartender and is around guys all the time and one of the patrons are who eventually got to her. After she was caught we split for a couple of months and now we started talking again. I currently rent an apartment but not big enough for the kids so I often stay at the house when she has to work. I love being around this woman but can't say that she does me. I mean she tells me that she wants to work on things and shows interest once in a while and that I am pushing her. This past weekend we did have sex but not sure it was because she wanted me just the sex. She goes out and party's now more than when our marriage was good. *She tells me that I have nothing to worry about and that if she does have feelings for somebody else she would tell me cause she doesn't want to go through this again. *She would rather hang with friends and coworkers when we are out and gets drunk off her ass and tells me that I need to find some friends to hang with. She talks like she wants to be with me in the long run saying things like we should buy bigger house or making plans that have me in them but are years away from the plans. We don't kiss and aren't physically close, when she leaves for work she seldom says by. Granted it has only been 4 months since this has all came out I feel like we are a lot closer to each other than we were before the affair just not as close as I would like to be right now. Am I pushing the issue by wanting more from her or is she just holding on till she finds something better. I would be interested in knowing what you think. I know I am rambling but if you want to know more let me know and I will continue on. I could write a book about how I am feeling.


Well, and isn't it just the sweetest thing for her to let you know when she's feeling the mating urge with someone else again!  I know that must make you feel all better. I just can't understand how you can put up with this much disrespect from someone you're supposed to be married to. And yet apparently she's not willing to give you the same kind of freedom. She wants you to have friends to hang out with? Good. Take her up on that, and make sure a lot of them are female, preferably particularly good-looking ones. Spend a lot of time with them. Bring them up in conversation at home. Calls. Texts. Lots and lots of e-mails. Let's see how that plays out.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Hey sparky this stuff may seem over the top but these folk along with myself have been thru this crap...so trust us when we tell you that you are getting phucked over big time.

Listen to us....it's time to set some boundries and see exactly how much respect your old lady has for you when she crosses each and everyone of them.

I bet if you bugged her car, you would never trust this women again.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

marduk said:


> When people show you who they are, believe them.
> .


This soooo true!! Our own hopes makes us not at times, and can hurt us so. 

~sammy


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

Your marriage does not stand a chance as long as she's in the toxic bar scene. She's lying to you big time. Put a VAR in the car and you'll see. Better yet, stop wasting time and get the divorce papers going. You'll need them. Sorry.


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

:iagree: Now THAT advise is truly "commonsense"!


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## loyallad (Aug 1, 2014)

JoeEdward said:


> She goes out and party's now more than when our marriage was good. She tells me that I have nothing to worry about and that if she does have feelings for somebody else she would tell me cause she doesn't want to go through this again. She would rather hang with friends and coworkers when we are out and gets drunk off her ass and tells me that I need to find some friends to hang with. She talks like she wants to be with me in the long run saying things like we should buy bigger house or making plans that have me in them but are years away from the plans. We don't kiss and aren't physically close, when she leaves for work she seldom says by.


Okay Joe giant red flags: Parties now more than when the marriage was good. Nothing to worry about she'll tell you when she finds somebody better. Would rather hang out with friends and get drunk off her ass than be with you. You two don't kiss and aren't physically close. 
She has checked out of the marriage and probably not coming back. You need to go hardcore. Begging and trying to will her to be different hasn't worked. Nothing you do may work but if you want to try something it's got to be something that will rock her to the core and show her you want some changes. Seeing a lawyer and starting the divorce process is where I would start.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

If she keeps working and hanging around in bars, nothings going to change. It's going to happen again and it won't be a ONS... Come to think of it, how are you so sure she only screwed this guy once?...

Good luck. When she comes home from the bar, I'd have her hit the shower before you have sex with her.

And get an STD test done at least once a year until she finally divorces you. Emotional pain is one thing, but if/when she carries home a blood born pathogen, it's your actual life that's in jeopardy.

Actually, you should probably just use condoms, as I doubt she has/will. Why take the chance.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

You are the provider, father to her kids. She wants to have fun. If she gets pregnant again, watch out. Who will the father be?

Are you in shape?


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

Sorry to hear your story.
It sounds like you are very much just supporting her lifestyle at the moment. 
I don't like the cake eater definition much, but this sounds like a perfect example of that.
I'm sure she has some residual feelings for you, but mate, her female brain is telling her you are a loser. The longer this goes on, the bigger the loser you are.
What would she respect. A man who can stand up for himself. I think she would actually like you better if you dropped her ass. 
File for D man. 
If you really care for her, you have to 180 and D. Let her stand on her own two feet for a while and see how fun that is.
No man is going to support a recently divorced woman with children.


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

I would also like to comment on how ridiculous I always thought it was that us men had to use the 180 and D to change how a woman perceived them.

BUT THAT IS THE REALITY. A WOMAN'S PRIMAL DRIVE IS OFTEN VERY STRONG AND EASILY OVERPOWERS ANY LOGIC.

We are but simple creatures in a society too complex for our own well being.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Ditto the var in her car and one in the house for when you are away.

Check the phone bill records for numbers called/texted a lot for the year things went bad for the marriage.

Odds are the ons was not a ons. You have probably only seen the tip of a huge iceberg.

Who's paying her rent?

Who babysits while she parties?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

poida said:


> I would also like to comment on how ridiculous I always thought it was that us men had to use the 180 and D to change how a woman perceived them.
> 
> *BUT THAT IS THE REALITY. A WOMAN'S PRIMAL DRIVE IS OFTEN VERY STRONG AND EASILY OVERPOWERS ANY LOGIC.*
> 
> We are but simple creatures in a society too complex for our own well being.


Kinda late w/ this commentary, but I guess that my response to the part in bold would be something like...

"Welcome to being a 14-year-old boy!"


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

As Mach used to say, Elvis has left the building.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

The one thing I see in most of these threads is commonality that is so close you could just re-post another thread and change the names. The real issue in all of these instances is maturity, or rather the total lack of it. Have we done such a poor job of raising our kids that this is what society has become or have the rotten apples in society affected the whole bunch? A question for a philosophical thread perhaps.

In any event Joe, this is what *I* would do. Arrange a meeting with your wife where the two of you can be alone for a while. Sit her down and calmly tell her that she is behaving like a child and not a wife and mother. Tell her that she has responsibility that she is shirking big time and that your involvement in her destructive behavior has ended. Tell her that you are moving back to your home and that she must find a bachelorette pad to facilitate her lifestyle if that is her intent. If she says she can't afford it then tell her that really sucks for her but you're done financing her lifestyle. Explain to her that you need a partner in life and not a 29 year old selfish child to provide for. Tell her that anything short of a SINCERE immediate and dramatic change on her part will result in D, period. If she balks at having to give up her partying and drunken nights out tell her that you've been forced to give up the life you once knew so that she could have her cake and eat it too and that stops now. A grown up's life is about sacrifices and responsibility and it's time she grew up and faced her's. Do not joke or laugh or even smile through any of this, she must understand that you are dead serious. Also, try not to blow up in anger but rather state very sternly and calmly how your new life will be and it's her choice to be in it or not, IF she cares enough to make you want her back. This needs to be done NOW.

I hate to mention this but as others have said about this only being a ONS, is it possible that she wanted sex with you recently because she has missed her monthly event and wanted to have a plausible alibi for being pregnant? You stated that you felt it was not because she wanted you but just wanted sex. You might ask her that question in your meeting. Joe, this is sadly the reality of your life now until you stop this.

If there is any maturity in her at all, which I doubt, she will grasp the levity of this conversation and realize that she has stepped all in it this time. Use the money you are now spending on the apartment to find a way to have the kids provided for while you are at work and make strides to get on with your life without her. I know this is harsh but she either has no motivation currently to change on her own or she is not capable of change. Your new life will either force change in her or continue on without her. Either way you're better off than right now. Good luck.

EDIT: I need to pay attention to the timelines on these posts. Now I get the Elvis line.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

The OP is long gone. He realizes that this is much worse then what he's written here. That it's probably much more than a ONS.

He posted for one day, didn't like what we were telling him and climbed back under the rug.

If his WS still works at a bar, you can bet the farm that she's still cheating on him and will continue to do so until he at least stops playing here game.

The thing about playing hide and seek with the truth is eventually it will find you.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

Unfortunate but sadly, it is the reality. I guess he couldn't handle the truth. That's a pity.


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