# Looking thru holiday cards during THE time of the EA



## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

So has anyone else had the experience of looking thru the cards the WS gave YOU DURING the A? I was just Looking at the cards he gave me for our Anniversary, mothers day, my Birthday during which time he was having an EA. I can look back at ALL of those times and read emails to HER ON 99% of those days. It just kills me now to see those cards and know what he was ACTUALLY thinking and feeling and to know that when he gave me those cards he was really just going thru the motions I guess. Im thinking of just throwing them away, they're just triggers at this point...


----------



## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

A WS wrote on here about compartmentalization. Where the WS still loves the BS and the OM/OW. I don't know what to say. My b-day is a few days away. In 2010 it was on my b-day that my WS started her sexual EA with a guy she just met on FB a few days prior. I came home on my b-day. My boys were there to greet me, hug me and wish me a happy b-day like they have always done. My WS and I were planning on going out. She loved me, had that twinkle in her eye. My WS hugged me, gave me a kiss and said, "you are burning up", I had a fever of 102. I ended up in bed. At 11 P.M., on my b-day the guy on FB (who I approved) wrote to my wife, "You are pretty". That is all it took. The next morning my WS and I had planned on going out to buy an antique cabinet near where I worked. I came down on Saturday morning and my wife kept her back towards me. She did not offer to make breakfast or coffee (she always did prior to this). I was sick. I asked my wife if she was ready to go and she said for me to go. This was not like her, we always did things together. I drove her car to pick up the antique but ended up driving to the hospital and had Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever. When i told her i was going to be admitted she complained that I had her car and how was I going to get it home.

Needless to say I don't want her to do anything for me on my b-day. 

Thanksgiving 2011. My wife always makes a big meal. This past year I had to order all the food from a local restaurant. She was into her affair big time and could care less about the boys and me. So there will be no Thanksgiving celebration for a while.

So I do understand. If you throw them away you have lost nothing. Maybe chop them up and slowly add them to his mash potatos over the next month or so and don't let him know it.


----------



## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Thorburn said:


> A WS wrote on here about compartmentalization. Where the WS still loves the BS and the OM/OW. I don't know what to say. My b-day is a few days away. In 2010 it was on my b-day that my WS started her sexual EA with a guy she just met on FB a few days prior. I came home on my b-day. My boys were there to greet me, hug me and wish me a happy b-day like they have always done. My WS and I were planning on going out. She loved me, had that twinkle in her eye. My WS hugged me, gave me a kiss and said, "you are burning up", I had a fever of 102. I ended up in bed. At 11 P.M., on my b-day the guy on FB (who I approved) wrote to my wife, "You are pretty". That is all it took. The next morning my WS and I had planned on going out to buy an antique cabinet near where I worked. I came down on Saturday morning and my wife kept her back towards me. She did not offer to make breakfast or coffee (she always did prior to this). I was sick. I asked my wife if she was ready to go and she said for me to go. This was not like her, we always did things together. I drove her car to pick up the antique but ended up driving to the hospital and had Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever. When i told her i was going to be admitted she complained that I had her car and how was I going to get it home.
> 
> Needless to say I don't want her to do anything for me on my b-day.
> 
> ...


I have already told him I would rather not 'celebrate' our anniversary this yr- in june. B/c I know exactly what he was saying to her on that day last June. He apologized but doesnt really seem to comprehend the damage to my psyche about his not being able to lay off for that ONE damned day. Then coming home with a card and climbing all over me like it was a regular day. Makes me sick. The same goes for Mothers Day and my B-day all of which he brought me cards and gifts and wrote sweet little notes and probably had sex w/me like everything was 'normal'. I feel like such a chump when I read them.


----------



## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> I have already told him I would rather not 'celebrate' our anniversary this yr- in june. B/c I know exactly what he was saying to her on that day last June. He apologized but doesnt really seem to comprehend the damage to my psyche about his not being able to lay off for that ONE damned day. Then coming home with a card and climbing all over me like it was a regular day. Makes me sick. The same goes for Mothers Day and my B-day all of which he brought me cards and gifts and wrote sweet little notes and probably had sex w/me like everything was 'normal'. I feel like such a chump when I read them.


cant- you are not a chump but a champ. And what you are going through is normal. I am still hoping that my wife makes my b-day special but on the other hand I already told her not to do anything for me because that date is ruined. I am mixed up as well and all i can say is hang in there. 

You are reading them because the words on the cards should mean something and they don't. In fact they are causing more wounding. Get rid of them Cant - it is not helping you reading them throw them away. If you want R you got to let go of some of this crap.

And please stop dwelling on the cards and focus on something positive today.


----------



## ShatteredinAL (Feb 5, 2012)

I feel the same way about photos from previous vacations. I can't even look at them without flying into a rage knowing he was sneaking off calling and emailing her, meanwhile putting on this happy face in front of me and his family acting like all is well. Grr. I put every last picture away. It helps when they're not laying out in the open and you don't think about it as much.


----------



## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

ShatteredinAL said:


> I feel the same way about photos from previous vacations. I can't even look at them without flying into a rage knowing he was sneaking off calling and emailing her, meanwhile putting on this happy face in front of me and his family acting like all is well. Grr. I put every last picture away. It helps when they're not laying out in the open and you don't think about it as much.


Yep shattered, got that problem too. Pics haning in the hall. I have alot of cleaning up and putting away to do I think. This is ridiculous honestly. Its not supposed to be this way. Guess nobody said life was fair, right.


----------



## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

ShatteredinAL said:


> I feel the same way about photos from previous vacations. I can't even look at them without flying into a rage knowing he was sneaking off calling and emailing her, meanwhile putting on this happy face in front of me and his family acting like all is well. Grr. I put every last picture away. It helps when they're not laying out in the open and you don't think about it as much.


Agree. Disney 2011. WS was already having sex with the OM sneaking off texting him on her buster phone. The vacation from hel* Just to think that a month earlier we were in Ft. Lauderdale on vacation and my wife has told me that that vacation was full of passion and yet she was planning on having sex with the OM once she got back.

Can't look at pictures from the Disney vacation.


----------



## WhoIsIt (Dec 28, 2010)

I don't have any holiday cards, but even so my wife's EA was in November/December. I remember her being sort of detached during that time, and specifically I remember her admitting that she was, "just not into the holiday spirit this year."

She later claimed this was due to feeling guilty, not to being preoccupied with the OM. All this time I agonized knowing something was up, but stubbornly refused to search for any proof. Wish I'd come here then instead of weeks later.

She got off early from work on Christmas Eve and went to the OM's house. I've verified through other means that they didn't have sex, but nevertheless it's still a painful memory for me. She even sent the DB a message on Facebook that night, and was brazen enough to do it right in front of me (not letting me see the computer, of course). To this day, she won't tell me what she said to him, but she has claimed up/down/left/right that everything was well over by then.

Anyway, I'm going off track. Needless to say that the the holidays used to be my favorite time of year (from the time I was a little kid). Now...eh...


----------



## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Thorburn said:


> cant- you are not a chump but a champ. And what you are going through is normal. I am still hoping that my wife makes my b-day special but on the other hand I already told her not to do anything for me because that date is ruined. I am mixed up as well and all i can say is hang in there.
> 
> You are reading them because the words on the cards should mean something and they don't. In fact they are causing more wounding. Get rid of them Cant - it is not helping you reading them throw them away. If you want R you got to let go of some of this crap.
> 
> And please stop dwelling on the cards and focus on something positive today.


Thor I think it will be easier(for lack of a better word) to do when he gets away from her. Its hard to move on when he still has contact w/her. When she is still calling. When I can hear her voice. When I can see her name on his email, see her words. Ya see what I mean here. Im trying to push my way out of hell but its hard when the devil is still present...


----------



## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> Thor I think it will be easier(for lack of a better word) to do when he gets away from her. Its hard to move on when he still has contact w/her. When she is still calling. When I can hear her voice. When I can see her name on his email, see her words. Ya see what I mean here. Im trying to push my way out of hell but its hard when the devil is still present...


I know it is and would not want to be in your place. I would love to have a log cabin in Montanna where I could just get away with folks who understand what we are going through. Sit there and relax, tell stories, cry, and when we are at peace go home and enjoy life. But unfortunately, I have to get up everyday, get dress, deal with people's problems (and most of my clients right now are having infidelity issues), keep my head up, and hold things together. I would love to be able to go home at night (instead of a stinking apartment), have the dogs go nuts when I get home, cuddle up to my wife (even though I am still pis*ed). But lifes twists and turns do not allow it and we just muddle through and hopefully down the road we find that peace. Because you are right, we are pushing our way out of hell and it is not fun.


----------



## naperken (Feb 21, 2012)

Thorburn said:


> cant- you are not a chump but a champ. And what you are going through is normal. I am still hoping that my wife makes my b-day special but on the other hand I already told her not to do anything for me because that date is ruined. I am mixed up as well and all i can say is hang in there.
> 
> You are reading them because the words on the cards should mean something and they don't. In fact they are causing more wounding. Get rid of them Cant - it is not helping you reading them throw them away. If you want R you got to let go of some of this crap.
> 
> And please stop dwelling on the cards and focus on something positive today.


I had to do the same thing, I deleted all the incriminating emails I had saved, block OM & OMW addresses and numbers. If you truly want to R, you can't move forward if you keep looking back. It's hard to let go, but you have to... if for nobody else, do it for yourself.


----------



## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Burn those triggers, in your mind.
They hurt you, so why go that side?

If you are strong enough, say to triggers F off.


----------



## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Sometimes I think, I know in my case, it is like I want to keep remembering and thinking about what happened.

I find that at times it is almost like I want to dwell on what he wrote in the emails, what she wrote, etc. etc. There has been times where it is like I am in a trance and just want to sit and remember what he/she said in those emails....I don't know why I want to do that....it is like it is some kind of self destructive thing I want to keep doing. I remember one time we were watching tv and all of a sudden out of the blue, I had a flash of an email that she wrote saying to him that she couldn't stand it when they didn't have any communication for a couple of days because she missed him so much and needed to hear his voice..this thought just came out of the blue and it always sends me in a downward spiral of anger. Something about another woman saying that to your husband just hits me hard.....

I have on many occassions printed out his cell phone log from around that time..and looked over once again the phone calls he made (in my case he was calling places and organizations to help a new immigrant come to this country).......it is difficult because you want to let it go but at the same time it is like I am obsessed with OW and with what they said/wrote to each other. I feel at times like I will never ever get past what he did.....I want to but not sure if I can ever really let it go. 

It is hard because as I stated before our relationship still 6 months later has tension and friction in it and I keep thinking about how he told me that him and OW had flirtatious banter between them...I find that we have anything but that right now...so then I feel resentful if we have an argument in that I wonder is he thinking about how fun and flirty it was with her.

It is hard dealing with all of these triggers especially when they seem to come out of nowhere.


----------



## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

oh I know. Last night he said something about how much "mommy loves you" to our daughter. BAM!!!! There it was. B/C back in the summer when she was sick and seeing an oncologist OW sent a text while we were at the hospital "I expected to hear from you by now, Im in tears waiting" well according to him this made him more attached to her b/c of the supposed concern she was showing for OUR daughter. Despite the fact that I was THERE not sending a text. He waited until I got out of sight and answered her. ..He JUST told me about the fact that that made him really 'turn the corner' with her. So then the NEXT night he is saying some sentence to our daughter about mommy loving her so much and I had to leave the room. OMG. Where does it end?


----------



## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Its about the words he wrote in there. His own writting. Total bs. How will I, in the future, know when things he says are real or true?


----------



## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> Its about the words he wrote in there. His own words. Total bs. How will I, in the future, know when things he says are real or true?


I hope to get to that place. Right now my WS seems sincere. In 2010 my WS got involved with a guy online within three days of meeting him. It turned sexual right away. His father died during this time and my wife sent him a song via text for comfort. She only knew him about two weeks. How can you go from not knowing someone to loving them in three days. The dude said, "you are pretty" and then the hyper sex text with me next to her in bed till 5 A.M. then again starting at 7 A.M. for weeks at a time.

Yes, this is all freaken unreal.


----------



## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

I was watching a show one day and a woman said to a man you are still handsome as ever..and right away I thought about how OW would start her emails with "Hi handsome"..and he would say.."Hi beautiful" to her. It just punches me in the gut again and again when I think about that....

My husband calling another woman beautiful...nice!!!! That's something you get over quickly..not!

Right now, once again, I feel so angry toward him I just want to go home and tell him to get the hell out!!!!


----------



## ShatteredinAL (Feb 5, 2012)

highwood said:


> Sometimes I think, I know in my case, it is like I want to keep remembering and thinking about what happened.
> 
> I find that at times it is almost like I want to dwell on what he wrote in the emails, what she wrote, etc. etc. There has been times where it is like I am in a trance and just want to sit and remember what he/she said in those emails....I don't know why I want to do that....it is like it is some kind of self destructive thing I want to keep doing. I remember one time we were watching tv and all of a sudden out of the blue, I had a flash of an email that she wrote saying to him that she couldn't stand it when they didn't have any communication for a couple of days because she missed him so much and needed to hear his voice..this thought just came out of the blue and it always sends me in a downward spiral of anger. Something about another woman saying that to your husband just hits me hard.....
> 
> ...


Crazy isn't it? I could have written almost everything you said as my own. Why do I still obsess over the phone bills and old emails I printed off if I know it just causes pain and anger? My H seems to be genuinely remorseful, but he has fooled me before. I don't know if I'm just in a permanent self-protect mode or what. I'm sick of it, whatever it is.


----------



## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Thats where Im different I guess. I never look at the emails or any of that stuff. I have them printed. I NEVER look at them. Ive never read them all the way thru. I got to a certain point and decided that was enough. so I dont obsess over what SHE said to him. I more obsess over what did or didnt go on between he and I during that time. Dont get me wrong I think about it. I think about it often but not as much as what was going on between he and I at those times or in our family. Like the fact that our daugher was very ill in the summer and he was busy withOW and not concentrating on what he should have been. Or that our other daughter went off to college during that time and he was 'otherwise occupied'. Those are the things that bother me most.

I guess Im saying his relative absence gets to me because I now question myself as to when i will know when/if he is REALLY checked in and when/if he's basically just going thru the motions again. It's feeling like my/our life was a lie that kills me. Its reading a card he gave me on our anniversary that he wrote in his own hand that says " I'll always be right here beside you" and now knowing EXACTLY what he was doing THAT VERY DAY that leaves me questioning everything I thought Ive ever known about ....us.


----------



## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

ShatteredinAL said:


> Crazy isn't it? I could have written almost everything you said as my own. Why do I still obsess over the phone bills and old emails I printed off if I know it just causes pain and anger? My H seems to be genuinely remorseful, but he has fooled me before. I don't know if I'm just in a permanent self-protect mode or what. I'm sick of it, whatever it is.


I know the MC told me to stop reading them however I do have a great memory and remember exactly what was said...so to me unless I can delete them from my memory how do you forget?

I'm sick of it as well...I am going to have to get over the obsession I have with what he did...H wants me to focus on what the marriage was like previously and fixing that which I get but I always focus instead on what he did and I realize that is not helping us at all..instead it is causing fights/tension, etc. Luckily for me the OW did not know he was still married he told her he was separated and the moment she found out she stopped all contact with him..(luckily she lives overseas as well).

My anger isn't toward her but toward him. I find I look for any opportunity in a discussion to throw back at him what he did..I know that is not right but I still do it.


----------



## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> Thats where Im different I guess. I never look at the emails or any of that stuff. I have them printed. I NEVER look at them. Ive never read them all the way thru. I got to a certain point and decided that was enough. so I dont obsess over what SHE said to him. I more obsess over what did or didnt go on between he and I during that time. Dont get me wrong I think about it. I think about it often but not as much as what was going on between he and I at those times or in our family. Like the fact that our daugher was very ill in the summer and he was busy withOW and not concentrating on what he should have been. Or that our other daughter went off to college during that time and he was 'otherwise occupied'. Those are the things that bother me most.
> 
> I guess Im saying his relative absence gets to me because I now question myself as to when i will know when/if he is REALLY checked in and when/if he's basically just going thru the motions again. It's feeling like my/our life was a lie that kills me. Its reading a card he gave me on our anniversary that he wrote in his own hand that says " I'll always be right here beside you" and now knowing EXACTLY what he was doing THAT VERY DAY that leaves me questioning everything I thought Ive ever known about ....us.


That would be even more upsetting knowing that you were dealing with a sick child together and he brought someone else into it..that would piss me off! Plus how can a OW who knows he is married even think about continuing on with him...what a *****!


----------



## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

highwood said:


> That would be even more upsetting knowing that you were dealing with a sick child together and he brought someone else into it..that would piss me off! Plus how can a OW who knows he is married even think about continuing on with him...what a *****!


Oh it goes thru me like a knife. When we were at the hospital OW sent him a text "I expected to hear from you by now, I have been in tears waiting". For him(by his own admission) that was a significant turning point in his affection for her(her showing 'concern' for his daughter) What a joke. I get super pissed when I think about what we were facing with our daughter(possible cancer) and he was able to think of ANYTHING else. So as if that experience wasnt traumatic enough it will always be tainted with the 'time my H fell for some other chic' too. It makes me so mad because he went back to work that day and flirted his ass off w/her and I stayed here curled up in a ball thanking God that my child was ok.(guess my concern for her doesnt do a thing for him, huh)ANd its REAL. She was just playing him. ANd he let her. And OW is married too so if she has no concern for her own marriage, why would she have any for his, right? Her H IS gonna find out about this though as soon as mine gets a new job. You can count on it.


----------



## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> Oh it goes thru me like a knife. When we were at the hospital OW sent him a text "I expected to hear from you by now, I have been in tears waiting". For him(by his own admission) that was a significant turning point in his affection for her(her showing 'concern' for his daughter) What a joke. I get super pissed when I think about what we were facing with our daughter(possible cancer) and he was able to think of ANYTHING else. So as if that experience wasnt traumatic enough it will always be tainted with the 'time my H fell for some other chic' too. It makes me so mad because he went back to work that day and flirted his ass off w/her and I stayed here curled up in a ball thanking God that my child was ok.(guess my concern for her doesnt do a thing for him, huh)ANd its REAL. She was just playing him. ANd he let her. And OW is married too so if she has no concern for her own marriage, why would she have any for his, right? Her H IS gonna find out about this though as soon as mine gets a new job. You can count on it.


It stinks. The first time my WS had sex was two days after we had our oldest son committed for threatening suicide. I had to take my handgun out of his hands. I will never forget him telling me, "I will show you" as he held the gun to his head and kept squeezing the trigger. He knew it was unloaded. It was all over a girl. My wife ran out the house screaming. She had the date planned ahead of time when they would meet for the first time. She told me after D-day when I comfronted her about it, she said nothing was going to stop her from having fun and excitement. She spent the morning talking to my son who was at a mental health facility and me on my phone. Then at Noon left to pick up the OM and took him to a hotel for sex. I don't remember but I think we had sex that night. 

Yea it sucks.


----------



## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Thorburn said:


> It stinks. The first time my WS had sex was two days after we had our oldest son committed for threatening suicide. I had to take my handgun out of his hands. I will never forget him telling me, "I will show you" as he held the gun to his head and kept squeezing the trigger. He knew it was unloaded. It was all over a girl. My wife ran out the house screaming. She had the date planned ahead of time when they would meet for the first time. She told me after D-day when I comfronted her about it, she said nothing was going to stop her from having fun and excitement. She spent the morning talking to my son who was at a mental health facility and me on my phone. Then at Noon left to pick up the OM and took him to a hotel for sex. I don't remember but I think we had sex that night.
> 
> Yea it sucks.


Wow Thor. Ya got me beat Im sorry to say. That really does suck and Im so so sorry that happened to you. I really dont understand how they(your w, my H) could have had ANYTHING else on their minds other than the crisis' at home and being there for their families. It really does push the knife deeper that he let someone use MY daughter as a way to get to HIS heart especially at a time like that. It tells me that he is capable of anything at anytime. Until he proves otherwise, thats what I think.

One of the cards he gave me in Feb this year after DDay...."I am and always have been yours and only yours".....what a fvcin' joke.


----------



## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Do you wonder if you will ever get past it...even if he leaves the job? I ask because I struggle everyday with what happened and H has had zero contact with OW for 7 months...yet the triggers and the anger and resentment seem to continue for me.

Maybe it is just me..I don't know!

I find that because H's EA was with a filipino women anytime on tv or out in public..I get very tense when I see an attractive asian woman..all I can think is he thinking about her, wondering what would have happened with their relationship if it had continued, etc. I hate that....I hate the insecurity that it has brought to me...some people would say well he made his choice and he stayed in the marriage but to me that doesn't really help, it just brings out insecurities in me.

I struggle all the time with thinking that maybe I will not be able to get over it and the damage that it caused and is still causing....

At times I often wonder if I am made at myself for staying with someone that did that to me so I am trying to sabatoge the relationship instead of trying to save it, maybe I feel like he got a free pass because we are still together and he didn't have to leave.

All I know is I hate this and I hate feeling insecure and I hate triggers and thinking about what he/she said. I hate giving up personal power because I spend time dwelling on what happened instead of focusing on work, my studies, etc.


----------



## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Here's the part I dont get. Before I knew about all of this I was 100% committed to him. Did my best by him. Not saying I was perfect by any stretch but I gave him a whole whole lot. All the time I was busting my a$$ he was carrying on w/her. THEN, I find out and bust the whole thing wide open. I say "Im not sure I can get past this" I have lost alot of what I used to feel for him. I love him but I dont respect him right now. And I cant say Im in love with him right now(that is partly self preservation I think b/c he still has contact for work). I dont see him like I used to. I used to look forward to being with him, to seeing him to talking and all of the married things people do but now, Im just gettin' by. SO NOW, Im checked out somewhat and suddenly he's the one that wants to bust a$$????I just dont get it. Its like when they had you they didnt want you but now that you arent so sure, suddenly youre looking pretty good. WTF?


----------



## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

..and I forgot to add that I know that I allow myself to give in to these thoughts, etc. H tells me that I read into everything and make assumptions and I know I do, I assume that he is thinking that or some comment he makes I over analyze it. Just yesterday I accused him of not wanting to be in the marriage and he secretly wishes that him and his "girlfriend" could be together. He got mad and said that it doesn't matter what he tells me I think a different way and assume things.

I hate that I do that because in front of him it does show how insecure I am and to me that gives my power away. I always tell myself the best thing I can do is appear confident and not needy..yet I come across as anything but.


----------



## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> Here's the part I dont get. Before I knew about all of this I was 100% committed to him. Did my best by him. Not saying I was perfect by any stretch but I gave him a whole whole lot. All the time I was busting my a$$ he was carrying on w/her. THEN, I find out and bust the whole thing wide open. I say "Im not sure I can get past this" I have lost alot of what I used to feel for him. I love him but I dont respect him right now. And I cant say Im in love with him right now(that is partly self preservation b/c he still has contact I think). I dont see him like I used to. I used to look forward to being with him, to seeing him to talking and all of the married things people do but now, Im just gettin' by. SO NOW, Im checked out and suddenly he's the one that wants to bust a$$????I just dont get it. Its like when they had you they didnt want you but now that you arent so sure, suddenly youre looking pretty good. WTF?


Maybe that is what I do...self preservation. Sometimes I find that I like it when he wonders what's wrong with me..because I am acting sulky/angry, etc. I think it lets me know that he still wants to work on the marriage...I don't know. Sometimes I think I try to test him by pushing him to see if he will just give up and walk..then I can throw it back onto him.

I find it hard to totally let myself go and become this sweet loving wife..it is like I want to retain the anger because nobody ****s with me like that...

I think I also cling to the fact that when DDay went down he stated that he wasn't sure "what he wanted, he was confused"...but it was when I let the OW know that no he was still married not separated so she ended it with him..then all of a sudden he wanted to stay in the marriage, he wasn't confused anymore. I think for me if he had ended it on his own with her that might have made me feel better but alas both myself and the OW ended it for him...so what choice did he have? He has told me that if he had wanted to leave he would have left but I don't know it still doesn't quite reasure me.

****..this is just a vicious cycle that never appears to end.


----------



## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Krichali said:


> It's not just you Highwood, I feel the same way, you said it quite well, and I'm pretty much at the same stage as you in R. My MC said I have to work on letting the negative thoughts go; if I don't then I have made the choice for a future of unhappiness rather than a rebuilt happy future. But it is so hard, isn't it? I start thinking, "does this remind him of her?" but I'm afraid to ask in case it DOESN'T, and I don't want to be the one to GET him thinking of her. So I just carry on imagining that he is, and getting in a bad mood, when maybe he's just thinking of dinner or something! I hope that those who are further along in successful R can assure us that it does get better. Right???


It still amazes me the head games that you can play with yourself.....I know that I tend to overanalyze things that people say/do and usually make it out to be negative.

I have told myself that when you act insecure in front of him it is not attractive..you want to show that you are a strong confident person who takes care of themself and would be a great catch for anybody..instead I come off as *****y/whiney/negative, etc.


----------



## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

This is why Im quiet around my H alot. Im doing alot of thinking and trying not to say things unless they are fully thought out. I am NOT needy. I do NOT need him. I want him. I am doing my best to R. I have to say the 'want' I have for him has faded significantly. I think it will/can come back if/when he gets away from his job(her). But not before. Every day I have to hear her, see her email is just another day in hell. But I will not appear needy or whiney to him. He doesnt deserve for me to trust him enough to give my full emotion to him while he is still in contact with OW.


----------



## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> This is why Im quiet around my H alot. Im doing alot of thinking and trying not to say things unless they are fully thought out. I am NOT needy. I do NOT need him. I want him. I am doing my best to R. I have to say the 'want' I have for him has faded significantly. I think it will/can come back if/when he gets away from his job(her). But not before. Every day I have to hear her, see her email is just another day in hell. But I will not appear needy or whiney to him. He doesnt deserve for me to trust him enough to give my full emotion to him while he is still in contact with OW.


You know what..when I read your situation, it makes me realize that if she can cope with him still having contact and doing an amazing job at coping with it..then I really have to pull up my big girl panties and stop obsessing and giving up my power to some insignificant chick, who is no longer in the picutre and lives across the ocean ffs!!! You are my inspiration!!

I am thinking of you and hoping that the job works out for him!! Please keep us updated.


----------



## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

highwood said:


> You know what..when I read your situation, it makes me realize that if she can cope with him still having contact and doing an amazing job at coping with it..then I really have to pull up my big girl panties and stop obsessing and giving up my power to some insignificant chick, who is no longer in the picutre and lives across the ocean ffs!!! You are my inspiration!!
> 
> I am thinking of you and hoping that the job works out for him!! Please keep us updated.


Believe me I would buy that "person" a one way ticket to ANYWHERE she wanted to be other than square in the middle of fvckin up my life.(Yes, I know its HIS fault and Im dealing with that too)

Im glad you found a new way of lookin at it. Im glad. Hang in there, If she's out of the picture do your best to try to find a way to reconnect with your H before its too late. Provided thats what YOU want.


----------



## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> Believe me I would by that "person" a one way ticket to ANYWHERE she wanted to be other than square in the middle of fvckin up my life.(Yes, I know its HIS fault and Im dealing with that too)
> 
> Im glad you found a new way of lookin at it. Im glad. Hang in there, If she's out of the picture do your best to try to find a way to reconnect with your H before its too late. Provided thats what YOU want.


I know..I do want that! Thanks for your words of wisdom!

I hope it works out for you....I am thinking positive thoughts for your H's job situation!!! You must be on pins and needles waiting!!!


----------



## sunshinetoday (Mar 7, 2012)

I have been here too. My H gave me his "burner" phone the night of D Day. That's right- he handed it right over to me in the car. All the texts from the OW were still there. 

After I looked through it I told him I tossed it because it made me so mad. Not true. I kept it. For about 6 weeks I kept it. I looked at those texts, those times, those words...ugh....so many times. Playing back in my head, where was I this day...what were we doing when she was texting him this, and on and on. 

Finally one day (I thought I had them memorized-lol) I said, this is it. I can not look at this every few days. This was after I was really seeing true true remorse and change from him. I knew I had to get rid of that phone. But I wanted to hold onto it, in case OW came fishing-but ended up smashing the crap out of it. Someday's when I get in a funk replaying stupid things I almost wish I had it back to compare notes or whatever--to torture myself!! I know it was right for me to get rid of it. 
Pictures of us together during that time, I can still barely look at.


----------



## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

I wish I had a magic power for 24 hrs. My magic power would be 2 pronged


1-this agony I feel gone
2-this agony I feel....he feels.


----------



## WhoIsIt (Dec 28, 2010)

canttrustu said:


> I wish I had a magic power for 24 hrs. My magic power would be 2 pronged
> 
> 
> 1-this agony I feel gone
> 2-this agony I feel....he feels.


If you find that, please share. It always seemed like everything would be better if she could just know what I was feeling, how bad it really was. :scratchhead:

I guess empathy is just about impossible unless you've had the same experience.


----------



## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

WhoIsIt said:


> If you find that, please share. It always seemed like everything would be better if she could just know what I was feeling, how bad it really was. :scratchhead:
> 
> I guess empathy is just about impossible unless you've had the same experience.


I have said a few times "you just dont get it do you?" and unfortunately on a cerebral level the answer is 'yes' but on a gutteral and soulful level the answer is clearly 'no'.


----------

