# Need of companionship to identify ones self..type of addiction?



## mentallydrained

I know a lot of things listed here are medically related of sorts, but I just had a thought go through my mind from a thread I posted about the word committal.

Is it possible, and can one learn to change, if they have always tried to identify themselves, through relationships? Meaning companionship like boyfriend/girlfriend, husband/wife?

Brief synopsis....I have always had serious relationships growing up. Put those first over friendships of any kind. Two serious relationships from age 15 thru part of 21, then at 22, met my husband. I'm now 40, soon to be 41. Without presenting a novel, in nut shell I've mentally checked out of my marriage, no infidelity, just need for self identity, self happiness and esteem, just wanting to have that living and loving life feeling before it's too late.

H doesn't feel outside friendships are important. He states me and daughter are enough and needs no other form of relations. I however, cannot say that back. I love him for my daughter, for the deaths we have endured and get through, for some of my personal growth. He has not changed from day 1. I have. I'm at the check out point in that saying everyone hates "I love you but I'm not IN love with you". I myself hate reading that. It's like a bad repeating drama movie played way too much. Like 24 hours of A Christmas Story year after year after year.

So anyway....I was told I"m too committal, which I believe was transilation of too dependent. Not understanding or realizing until lately, and then reading the translation....I have always depended on male counter part for my identity and happiness. 

I feel so pathetic. Can this be turned around at my age? Obviously therapy is in order. I went for a while, guess didn't like where headed...which was path of no friends and I felt I messed up my life per say. Not to mention, realizing out growing my husband. The last session I was asked "Who is the one person that influenced your life as a childhood friend?" I was a deer in headlights, then broke down in tears as I had not one single person come to mind. 

Forgive me if I'm coming across selfish as I truly am not, or at least didn't think I was. Wow....what an eye opener. Thought I was to find things to help me feel better, not more self pitty in woe is me. How can I live and turn around my life. I'm the human of eor. Yet, he even had Winnie the pooh. So sorry for being a downer. Just, all those years of youth, and my fondest "friendships" were boyfriends. I was even a cheerleader! But...never hung out with them outside of what we had to do as a team. No over nights, no me going to over nights. Just didn't do it.

Now I know why I try so hard to make sure my 7yr old little girl makes lots of friends!!! She already makes comments about boys and her liking them visa versa and playing with them more. Hmmmm....I do not want the apple falling far from the tress in respect to this at all! Better pick up that apple quick and wing it!


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## credamdóchasgra

Look into codependence. 
Lots of times people define themselves through taking on their partner's addictions and/or issues, and this becomes an addiction in itself.
Check out "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie (I think that's the author).
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blanca

emotionalwreck said:


> I feel so pathetic. Can this be turned around at my age?


im almost 30 and im starting to think im too old to have the life i wanted. older people will of course think im insane, that i have plenty of time, and im sure that's the case for you also. 

i think the point is that you are trying to change and making some huge discoveries. you've taken a huge step in the last few weeks. if you can ever reach your ideal is yet to be seen, but the point is you're working towards it. that's what matters. you will either get worse or you'll get better and you are getting better. you just have to keep trying.


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## 4sure

Spend time with yourself. Get to know you. Make a list of all the things you like about you. What makes you cool. You first have to like yourself, then love yourself, and your esteem will rise. You will discover that a big world awaits you, but it's up to you to get moving.

Make friends. Check into taking a class, volunteer, whatever you like, surround yourself with people. Set goals, and achieve them. Break out of your shell. Do something that you haven't done, you will find just how fun it can be, and the high of saying, "omg, I can't believe I did that, it was great!!"

Relationships are important. With SO, friends, children, family, God, and yourself. Take the time, and energy that you have put into others, and put it into yourself. It's the little things in life that we are surrounded by that can give us the joy we crave. You have to look for it.

I wish you joy that you seek.


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## mentallydrained

4sure said:


> It's the little things in life that we are surrounded by that can give us the joy we crave. You have to look for it.
> 
> I wish you joy that you seek.


I am looking forward to ME. I know who I was and that is why, now at this age, I dont' want to lose anymore time not having and enjoying 'me' again. Especially since I see too much of the 'now me' in my 7yr old daughter. It's a HUGE eye opener. Thanks for the kinds words.


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