# Need Help



## hoohagirl (Sep 12, 2011)

I am re-posting this here because I realized it was in the thinking about divorce separation and obviously I am already separated. Just looking for help and clarity.....

How do I even begin to describe this nightmare? I still cannot believe that this truth is my reality and I am doing my best to learn to accept that this is my life now.

My story began in mid May when my husband flipped out on me right before bed and told me that he was miserable in his life and he was miserable because of me. He vented at me for hours telling me how unhappy he was and how our marriage had been a lie for three years. That he had been unhappy and that all the good times and nice things he did for me were lip service. I was in complete shock. I knew he had been going through some depression but thought it was work related. I had no idea he felt the way he did about our marriage. I thought we were lucky and happy.

As the next few days passed he began to tell me that he didn't feel like a man and that something was wrong with him. He told me he had no self-esteem and he had disappeared. We talked about going to marriage counseling but agreed that he should see an individual therapist to determine what was going on with him first. Initially I was quite concerned about an emotional or physical affair as he had become very secretive of recent.

We went through that for a few weeks until one morning I awoke and found him and his stuff gone. He packed up his bags while I was asleep and went to his parents. He refused to talk to me or have anything to do with me for about a week and a half. I went through a major depression during this time.

About a week and a half in he decided he wanted a divorce and I told him he needed to come talk to me about it in person if that is what he really wanted. When he came over after hours and hours of him going back and forth about getting a divorce he decided it wasn't right and that he was going to move back home.

He moved back home the next day and we began marriage counseling immediately. I began having a really difficult time as I felt so betrayed and I also felt like he was home physically but not emotionally. I felt like he was just going through the motions but didn't care. When he came home he didn't even bother to unpack his stuff but lived out of his suitcase.

A few weeks later I was so disturbed by his emotional absence I told him to leave and figure out what he wanted. This was in early July.

At first when he left I was fairly sure we were going to get a divorce immediately. Whenever we talked he was extremely nasty and he vacated all of our joint responsibilities. I was so frustrated. He stopped going to counseling and began partying almost every night.

Finally in Mid August I told him I was going to move back to Oregon. I couldn't deal and I needed to move on if that was what he was doing. He asked me not to leave until he went to see a counselor. He wanted to see our marriage counselor because he liked her so much. I told him that would be okay. Apparently our marriage counselor told him she would give him four sessions and then if he wanted to work on the marriage he would need to find someone else.

After the four weeks my husband told me he still did not want to go to marriage counseling together and that he was thinking divorce. I began the process of trying to realize we were going to get a divorce but I couldn't seem to call a lawyer. We did not talk for about a month at all.

Three weeks ago he began calling and saying we needed to talk. I had been avoiding his attempts at conversation because I felt like he just wanted forgiveness and to be friends and that is something I was unwilling to give. Finally about three weeks ago I agreed to talk to him. We had a long talk where he told me everything he thought I had done wrong. I did not talk I just listened. Afterward he said he wanted to spend the following day together which we did and it was nice but awkward. Then he asked me to go out with him two more times after that and then nothing.

I got really angry and called him and told him that if he wanted to begin spending time together it would need to be scheduled. I didn't want to wait around and see if he was going to call or not or know if he was trying to work things out or not. He said he did not yet want to go to marriage counseling but that he was "trying to try." We agreed to spend time together on Mon, Wed and Saturday.

It has been hit and miss. It is very hard for me because I don't know what this means or what is going on. I feel confused and I also feel that I am beginning to drift away. This all started back in May and it just feels to me like this has been going on for a long time and he still does not know what he wants.

I don't know what to do. I feel like things need to progress and I need to see us making steps to solve our problems. I also need a commitment from him that he wants to work on our marriage. Something I can sink my teeth into. He keeps telling me that something is wrong with him and that he is not happy with himself. Until he figures out why he is not happy with himself that he cannot commit to anything.

My mental brain understands and agrees with this but my emotional side is beginning to shut down. I don't know how much longer I can feel like my life is in limbo. I love this man with all my heart but it does not feel like he loves me the same way. I feel like he just left after being unhappy without ever having said a word. I feel betrayed that all the sudden I am to blame for his unhappiness. I believe that happiness is a choice and that you have to work for it. I don't know how I can be held accountable for things when he never said a word.

He keeps telling me he has to start standing up for himself. My husband is a conflict avoider and it is very important to him that everyone love him. I agree that if he is not communicating his true feelings, he needs to speak up but I also feel like he says this like I have been walking all over him which is not true. I am tired of feeling like the bad person and tired of feeling like I am being blamed. I know I am a great person and I also know that if I had known he was unhappy I would have done everything I could to find a solution.

I don't know what to do. I am running out of hope and faith. I am beginning to feel like I don't know who this man is. If he loved me wouldn't he want to go to marriage counseling? How is it possible that after four months he still does not know what he wants?


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## hoohagirl (Sep 12, 2011)

Tonight he came over and cooked a very nice dinner and the evening was nice but I am having trouble because in the back of my head I am still wondering what all of this means. I feel I need to hear in words that he is committing to work on the marriage. Every time I have asked him for anything in the last few months he has turned me down. I have been terrified to ask him for anything to move us forward but am also losing all hope with the constant limbo state we are in. I had planned on giving him until the end of September as our anniversary is October 8th. I really felt that I didn't need to really tell him that I was really only giving him until the end of September because I wasn't making the decision to influence him but more a personal decision for me to know what my limits and needs are. 

Tonight I told him that I was wondering how he felt about our upcoming anniversary and if we should celebrate it. He felt like we should. I explained to him that it was difficult for me to celebrate it when he has been unable to commit to working on the marriage. He got a little upset and said he felt like he was by coming over. I told him that I need to hear the words and I need to have an idea of what that means in terms of what we should begin doing moving forward (marriage counseling?). He told me he needs to think about it and I felt so confused again and this time I told him that I didn't understand how he could say on the one hand that don't I see his actions as working on the marriage but he cannot making a verbal commitment. He said it wasn't that but he needs to think about what he is comfortable doing by agreeing to it.

He says that he feels that he always wants to say things that he may not really mean so he needs some time to think about his answer so he doesn't just agree with me to make me happy.

A good thing but gracious......so friggin frustrating!!!! I can't believe that our communication is this stunted and again I feel some hope one second and then no hope the next..... 

It seems to me like since he started counseling he has become dependent on her council. It feels like he doesn't want to say anything to me until he talks to her. I understand this but I also feel like at some point you either love me or you don't. You know who I am, we have been in a relationship for almost ten years and married for six, do you want to commit to working on our marriage or not? 

I'm so scared he will say no, if he does, I will have to walk away. 

I want to be loved enough to be worth fighting for.


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

Our stories are so identical it is scary that there could be another person out there dealing with the same hurt. Although you have it better than I did at least he did talk to you and try to make it work. My H left while I was at work ;o( Moved all his stuff and his daughters stuff and did not talk to me for a month. And then he didn't say anything relevant to what was going on with us. Just vanished. I too thought we were happy and moving forward. I still don't know what made him so unhappy then. He is chronically depressed I found out later. He too left his responsiblities for me to handle (although he did repay me in July) We never fought, I would get exasperated with him sometimes and his victimization, but no arguing. He too is a conflict avoider...with everyone. I basically know what he main issue was and too bad... he resented that I made him get married, but I was not going to do all the hard work and help him and raise his daughter as no girlfriend ;o( I totally accept this now, and I dont fell no ways tired ;o) Life has moved onward and upward for me. Being alone ain't so bad, but I did have a large support network to help me deal with the pain. The very best to you in what every you do. Another similarity, we were only married a short time (2years)


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## southernmagnolia (Apr 12, 2011)

What a terrible awful position he has put you in. The limbo must be a living hell and it's so unfair of him to do this to you. I'm sure it has brought out every insecurity and fear you've ever had. He keeps deserting you and is keeping you on a string. 

I think you are going to have to take the bull by the horns and make the decision for him and be the strong one. I think you are going to have to tell him that you are done and start working on protecting yourself and not be his doormat. Please look up the 180 and start doing it as it is what will keep you sane and get you strong. 

I'm sorry you are going through this.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

I hear ya. I am in the same limbo and its horrible. Up and down, round and round. No commitment from him that he wants to work on our marriage, but he comes over all the time, does nice things, wants to talk, calls me, etc. Still has not moved his stuff out or filed for divorce.

AND he is going to marriage counselling. He's told me its over he wants a divorce but he's participating in MC? I don't get it.

I also heard the same: I am miserable, have been forever, its all your fault, etc.

I love my husband so much but there is going to come a time where it wears me out, I can't take any more and I will just give up and file the papers.


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## hoohagirl (Sep 12, 2011)

I think a little piece is taken away every day this continues. 

Yesterday we got in a huge argument and it was more of the same; I broke him, I didn't fulfill him, I didn't make him happy..... It doesn't matter that he never said a word. He thinks there is something wrong with me that I didn't "see" it. 

He has started to temper some of what he says when we are getting along but as soon as things get tense it goes back to how everything is my fault. I am so sick of being blamed for everything. AND what I'm really sick of is that okay, fine, even if it is all my fault..... all I can do is apologize and try to understand what I did wrong and how I could do things better. I'm tired of feeling like I am being punished for something when I don't even fully understand what that something is and he won't talk about it in any concrete terms that I can grasp. It is all so vague. 

Towards the beginning of this thing the first time he moved out. We started marriage counseling about two weeks in. At our first appointment our MC asked us what our non-negotiable items are. For me it is having a sexual relationship and lying. My husband lied to me a lot. Most of it was so stupid that I didn't understand why and let it go. After our first appointment he called me the next day and said he couldn't come over and spend time with me because he was up all night thinking about us. I then found out that he went out to a concert and some bars with a group of friends. I caught him because the pictures were uploaded on Facebook. Today after all we have gone through and his "I'm trying to come back to you." he had uploaded some of the pics from this on FB again. I was so upset. Why do you want to remind me of a night that was such a huge betrayal? When I confronted him he said that he didn't know what I was talking about and when I told him he had even had a conversation about it on FB attached to the photo he still acted like he didn't understand. Then he told me I was making a big deal out of nothing. 

So help me understand. He was hurt by me so he left. I'm supposed to understand that him leaving me and leaving all of our joint responsibilities is justified because he was hurt. Why is it that when he hurts me I'm supposed to let it go? 

Please tell me when I get to be a human being again?


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Eow. Why are you waiting around for him? I mean, holy crap! How much more of this are you going to endure?!

He's been stringing you along for months and months! It's pathetic and childish. He's being an asshat to the extreme 

Time to move back to Oregon, in my opinion.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

yeah get the hell out dont let him do that. My wife thought i was going to be in limbo land after she signed a 12 month lease. Nope ill get the divorce papers.


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## hoohagirl (Sep 12, 2011)

Alpha, 
I know. I agree. I pray every night for the strength to give up. I used to pray for him to come home, now I pray to stop loving him. I don't know what is keeping me holding on. My mental brain knows that I need to do something and my heart continues to hold me back.


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## hoohagirl (Sep 12, 2011)

Well, I did do one thing right. When he text his apology and it was so casual " sorry, you were hurt, yadda, yadda, yadda....." I didn't respond. He text three times and I still haven't responded. I have a show this weekend so I'll be too busy to think about it. I'm hoping that maybe he can have some time to think about what he did wrong. I've always forgiven his mistakes, perhaps I was too forgiving....


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

"Sorry you were hurt"?? That's not actually an apology even. That doesn't take any accountability for having done something wrong to have hurt you or offer to make amends for it.

"Sorry you were hurt" is what friends and strangers say when we talk to each other about getting sick or having an accident....


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

Sorry you were hurt. Said in an offhand manner. I got that stock standard line too.

It felt like something he was saying to make himself feel better. Not a true, heartfelt apology. He's only sorry he's going to have to face childsupport and alimony payments for a long, long time.


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## hoohagirl (Sep 12, 2011)

Yes, it is very important to him that I see all the things I did wrong but he wants to blow over the lies and the inability to communicate with me that I wasn't meeting his needs and he wasn't happy. Many times over the last few years I went to him and told him I missed him and I was lonely in our relationship. I asked him why he didn't tell me any of those times how he felt and he said it was too little too late and he thought I was only coming to him for me. He doesn't want to talk about all of the lies, the secretive behavior or his leaving...... He only wants to talk about the fact that he has issues with me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Daisybell (Sep 17, 2011)

Wow - major similarities to my marriage too. My husband and I have been separated since July25th and he moved back to his mothers. We have a nine month old baby. When i told him to go on my birthday (25th July) because he had treated me so badly on that day and previously and he finally went, he never came back. I wanted him to go for a while to let me calm down and to give me some space as i was so upset and stressed out. He now says I threatened to kill him if he came back. Can't remember saying that, but if I did, it was in the heat of the moment and wasn't meant. Anyway, he went to stay on the south coast with his brother and brothers girlfriend and their two children and he developed this 'friendship' with a barmaid there. I only found out because i opened his phone bill and saw on the computer that he had booked a hotel in Brighton and had been looking her up on MySpace and Twitter etc. He says he was being a mate by attending a wedding in Brighton with her and it was purely platonic. Since then he has still been communicating with her all the time and went back down there last weekend rather than fight for our relationship. I know we woud have stood a chance if it weren't for her. 

So here I am with a baby and feeling destroyed and devastated. I have told him I still love him and he says he still loves me but won't agree to marriage counselling and says I have done too much to hurt him and it is too little too late. I am so cut up about it I can barely function.

So I know what you are going through. He was stringing me along for the last two weeks and things were a lot better and I hoped and thought we would eventually reconcile. He even spent the night and we slept together and he also came round for supper. And he won't admit to having an affair with this girl. He keeps saying it is platonic and they are good friends which is ridiculous as they did not even know each other two months ago. I feel for you. If I did not have my daughter, maybe I would find it easier to let go and be stronger, but I am financially dependent on him and don't know what to do. When will this pass? Will I ever feel better? God it hurts.


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## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

Daisy it will get better. One thing you have to be careful of is saying stuff you really dont want to happen. 

This will pass though and you can bet they are more than friends. It just takes time to get through this mess Im still going through it I have good days and bad days but its ok we can all make it.


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## Daisybell (Sep 17, 2011)

Yes I keep getting told not to be stupid and of course they are more than friends. In my heart I know it but I don't want to admit it. He keeps saying 'you never trusted me and you don't trust me now'. Refuses to tell me the truth.

I feel dead inside and don't know when this will end because I can't leave our house until we sell it and I don't know when that will be. He is off living the life of a single man and says it is my fault and that I caused the problems and 'removed him from the house'. 

How can he say he still loves me???? It is like stringing me along. It would be kinder to say he didn't love me.

I have never felt so awful.


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

They will say whatever makes it easier for THEM, but their actions should speak louder than any words. He is making priorities, and as hurtful as it is..he is not making his marriage one. Don't let him guilt trip you into believing if only you had not or said not something then things would be wonderful. There was and quite possibly still is a reason you said those things and if he wasn't treating you right or good...then good you told him to leave. You were facing the inevitable. Cheer up, I promise you things get better and the pain does not last. You even will have understanding. I will pray for you and you pray for me.


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## Daisybell (Sep 17, 2011)

Thank you, that's kind.

I wish I could fast forward a year so that this pain was gone.

It helps to hear from people who have been there and done that.

It is hard that only two months ago he was expressing his love for me. We have had our ups and downs and particularly since the birth of my daughter, but there were still ups. I thought we were solid. But he seems to hate me for making any demands on him as he was working hard. His company has had problems and financially he is making a loss, but I have had my own issues and have been stressed and I have done all the childcare on my own which has been hard. Why can't he forgive a little and at least agree to counselling? Because of the other woman I suppose..... She is all shiny and new and problem free and probably makes him feel good about himself which will then bolster his self-esteem. It is crazy, because she won't stay new and problem free forever. it is all fantastic in the beginning until real life steps in.

I thought we would be together always, I am so scared on loneliness and being alone. I keep thinking that I will never meet anyone else (am 36) and that this is it for me now. I feel fat and ugly and frumpy. Although the heartache diet certainly helps you lose a few pounds.
I am scared of slipping into depression. I cannot bare to think of him enjoying himself without a care in the world while he has left us here with little money and no support. Can you hate and love someone at the same time?


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

Does anyone else read stuff like this and feel like they need to apologize for their genders misdeeds. Sounds crazy but sometimes I feel guilty by association so to speak!


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

Well as my mother used to tell me "when at the end of your rope, tie a knot at the end and hold on" You are who you were, are and will be. The same beautiful person he married and share a beautiful baby with. He is tripping, plain and simple. When life got uncomfortable, he did what he knew to do....RUN. Just keep caring for your daughter and yourself and make it do what it do...you will be rewarded with tons of love from her and yourself. You are young and you have a lot of goodness still yet to come. I am 51 and I should be more worried about lonliness, but I am not...I got ME ;o) We are going to be fine, and in a few months you will be the one writing back to share the survivors story with those headed this way ;o(


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## whatonearthnow (Aug 20, 2011)

speaking as an indecisive man who hates confrontation and has never been in touch emotionally - I can say that even after a few individual counselling sessions, I can understand myself so much better.

it does sound like he is messing you around because he can't make a decision, or perhaps he is doing it so that someone will make the decision for him and then he can be seen as 'good' in everyone else's eyes.

You should try and focus on what you want rather than what he wants.

I do wish you all the best with everything


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## Daisybell (Sep 17, 2011)

Thankyou all.

He does indeed like to be seen as the good guy. He hates to be in the wrong or as seen to be doing wrong. Which is why he is blaming me I am sure.

It's rubbish because even though I am stubborn and have a lot of pride, I have put that aside and been really open and honest and said I am willing to do what it takes but he cannot even give me the courtesy of meeting half way.

I wonder if he will ever reflect on things and admit that he made a mistake or did not handle things well or admit his part in it or if he will always continue to deny deny deny.

I think it shows immaturity not to try. Ultimately why do I want to be with someone that I cannot rely on? But it is not so easy to turn off your feelings and forget the past and the good times. I was crazy in love with him. He was crazy in love with me. At least I know that to be the truth. It just upsets me that something that I saw as being for life is not for him and he says it is my fault and I made him do it. 

It is as though someone has died. I feel grief at the loss of our relationship and the loss of what we had. I find it hard to come to terms with the fact that we will never be together as a couple again, or share things as a couple or sleep together. All the intimacy is gone. All the plans for the future are gone.

Starting over is hard. It is not what I had envisioned for the future - particularly not with a baby.


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

I am or was in your shoes, I always thought if nothing else he needed me more than he did. It will forever hang in our hearts as to whether or not they regret the mistreatment of us by them. I think even if they do, they will never admit it.


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