# Abused husband can’t get out – craziness even extends to DW accuses OM of [email protected]



## My_2nd_Rodeo (Nov 20, 2012)

Background – What you are about to hear will sound like one of those drunken couples on the show COPS, that is not the case. We live in a yuppie neighborhood. One of those couples that hides the problems from everyone outside very closed circle. So let me first give you a high level overview of me/her/us. 

About Me (mid 30s, no kids,6’2, in shape):

Personality: I’m docile, a fixer, a peace maker, a pushover, cannot hold a grudge for more than a few minutes, easy to get to say yes, loyal to a fault, don’t get intoxicated, watch my finances. 

I have a really good and well paying career. I’m a really good looking guy, but don’t care about that or use it to flirt or meet women (when I was in college, I had a few ONS that left me very empty and depressed – very disappointed with myself). Almost all of the women I have dated, in adulthood, have wanted to marry me. My point is, I have the pick of the litter if I so desire. However, I am a very flawed person and am attracted to the wrong types / longshots. Looks matter little to me, it’s something about the ego trip of being able to “save” someone. The really nice and healthy women I’ve dated – it didn’t feel right to me (too easy? too healthy? doesn’t mirror my abusive childhood? do I deserve her? – still trying to figure that all out. Going back to IC soon).

Don’t get me wrong, all that being said, I’m still a very very flawed person – like all of us.

My current wife (late 20s, no kids, only child, 5’2, petite) has severe mental disorders. Yes, I knew a good deal of this going in, but I thought it would be something I could quickly/easily fix. She has seen many psychiatrists and a too few psychologists. She’s on roughly 8 different hardcore medications (I can’t keep track of them all) and needs to be in intensive therapy… but is not – I am now insisting she starts that. She has not been institutionalized in her adult life (briefly as a teenager). All her issues are very hard to medically diagnose into one clean label. She’s been tagged with bipolar, borderline, attention-deficit, eating disorders, sleep disorders, and has suicidal tendencies, etc. 

She is still a highly intelligent functioning adult and is responsible for her actions… she’s not some drooling vegetable or psychopath. She only has a part-time job to offset her excessive “therapeutic” spending binges – I take care of everything. 

My tagname is due to this being my second marriage, and second time I am dealing with a DS. I won’t talk too much about my first marriage in this post because the main linkage is probably my inability to pick a healthy mate. I will say, I did everything to save that marriage (most of this on my own as my wife basically abandoned me abruptly after 2 sessions of MC… moved out & left with minimal contact). I read all the books (many referenced on this site), articles, went for pastor counseling, IC, MC (together for 2 weeks, then alone for 9 months after she left), mens retreats, divorce care group, christian support group, and a small mens group in my home. As you can tell, my desired R consumed almost all of my free time – even though the wife had left for an OM. The devastation is unbearable to recall. For those first timers here… I truly weep for you. On the bright side, it somewhat braced me for what is currently unfolding.

On to my current marriage. I’m going to have to kinda bullet point this since it would otherwise take 50+ pages in novel form:

We met when I was shopping; she was an employee working and picked me up (without prompting or even flirting, gave me her number and told me to call her for a date). I was taken by her confidence. From there, it was a whirlwind of dating to marriage ( 8 months from 1st date to married). I was/am her “prince” and her elder parents were very happy that she found me (their savior). She exhibited severe personality swings and outbursts (public and private), but it was progressively getting better and her parents said so as well. So I thought, ok, given enough time and work – I can fix her… it’s already working. My family was very concerned from day 1.

Ok, these things that happened, I feel that they aren’t that crazy because I’m caught up in this world of our relationship – it’s my normal. There’s so much more, but I can’t even recall all the stuff because it’s daily… I’m grateful if the day passes with just minor fighting (success). Well here goes some highlights:

-While wedding registry shopping, her mom and I picked out flatware that we liked, but she didn’t like it… which cause her to scream, shout, and roll (yes roll) on the floor of the busy shop. That was really embarrassing and I warned her that I would leave her if anything like that happened again.

-She ruined our wedding with her outbursts; she was going through a big episode the entire time and causing drama. However, the main trigger started with my pastor (I’m Christian, she’s agnostic) giving our vows and putting a bit too much Jesus in there. She said he insulted her and her non-christian attendees (in fairness, he was just giving a pretty typical wedding message for a pastor/priest).

- Because my pastor “ruined” her wedding (which means I ruined her wedding because I had him officiate), I had to take her to Vegas for a 2nd wedding a few months later – all top of the line (including new dress, suite, photography, etc.).

- I had to extend our honeymoon by several days ($5K and had to call work to get additional time off) because I “ruined” the first part of it. We did not have s6x at all after several days there… so I got into an argument over it. Yes, 5 days after the wedding and we still hadn’t done it. I believe the first 2-3 days were because she was finishing her period, but then 2 days after that we still weren’t, so I got really upset and we argued.

- On the return flight from our honeymoon… we were an inch from being blacklisted from the airline and arrested. On the flight, she got into a fight with a couple in front of us – she was having a huge episode, they became the poor target by annoying her (the woman looked at her weird, FYI another young couple returning from their honeymoon). So she got into a mostly shouting verbal fight, but some slamming of their chair back and forth (they were sitting in front of us). The stewardesses and captain had to get involved (in flight and all the way till we left the plane). The whole cabin of passengers were watching, several of them shouting and getting upset that the situation was bothering them – saying how they would never fly the airline again. One of the male stewardesses (man) was so irate at my wife’s behavior that the other stewardesses (women) had to physically hold him back from her and drag him back to their kitchen area. I explained and pleaded, with everyone, that she has severe mental disorders. I also backed up some of the lies she was saying about the couple. I also did a bit of yelling about their mistreatment of my wife (honestly, I was just trying to fake being irate at the other couple to deflect some of it back at them… really horrible thing to do, I was so desperate and panicked). After they moved our seats (and I quietly scolded my wife), she still couldn’t let it go… so after the plane landed she rushed off the plane after the couple without me (the crew held us both on the plane till everyone got off – purposely). She couldn’t find them till after they were on the shuttle curve with their bags. She grabbed a police officer outside the terminal and started explaining how they assaulted her on the plane. When I finally caught up to her, I begged the 3 police officers (yes they multiply quickly) to just forget the matter. I know those city cops wanted to arrest us something fierce, but I got out of it. She railed on me all the way home in the limousine because I didn’t defend her and stick-up for her – “what kind of husband are you!”. After the limousine driver dropped us off, he privately told me how very sorry he felt for me. I gave him an extra $100 for what he had to endure and because I was mortified. Again, this was a plane trip home from our honeymoon.

- She, indirectly, made me quit my church that I was a member of for 6years. She insisted that everyone there was out to get her and she didn’t want me going there. Although, after D-Day, she agreed to go with me to a different church (I insisted I wanted to go back to attending church). However, my faith is now a tool she is currently using to keep me from divorcing her. If it helps her and us, it actually makes me happy – so whatever.

- She wants me to get tattoos signifying I’m hers. She would especially like one under my wedding band. She hasn’t pushed this too much because she knows tattoos just aren’t my thing (I have no tattoos). 

- She, with full force, face punches and slaps me. She once attacked me in front of her Mom, and her mom tried to hold her back and begged her to stop punching me. However, most of this stuff occurs in private. Maybe 30 different incidents of this over our relationship, it’s died down a bit lately (although it happened last night). One night, it was so bad that I had to call my mom over to protect me (because she’s a woman) – huge blowout from that, I “was wrong” for involving my mom. 

- When I try to run (literally) away from her when our verbal fighting is intense (because she will escalate into violence very rapidly), she’ll: A) body block me into a corner, B) push me, C) grab me, D) chase me around the house, E) break down doors I’m hiding behind (once with a hammer… that scared the crap out of me, ala The Shining).

- I once tried to escape a fight by sneaking out the back of the house into my car to drive off. She heard my car start and sprinted down the street after my car, while screaming at the top of her lungs. I never tried that again. 

-Its safer to for me to sleep in the master bedroom with her, than in the spare alone. Last time I tried to sleep in the spare, she picked the lock at 3am. Luckily I had barricaded the door with an alarm… so it me woke up. She feels safer and more stable, to me, when I sleep next to her. Also, she’ll just harass me till the morning through the door (alarms, noises, banging on the door, shouting through the door, etc). This issue happened again last night. I wanted to sleep in the spare bedroom, but she didn’t want me to. So this time she took my door alarm. I was too tired to be harassed all night, so I caved into sleeping beside her in the bedroom. 

- My family fully believes that my life is in imminent danger… that she’ll kill me. She swears that I’m love of her life and she would never harm me in that way. I must confess, I do get scared sometimes when I fall asleep. 

- From engagement through today, she emphatically warns me that she’ll kill herself if I ever leave. I have threatened to leave many times, every time she sincerely threatens to kill herself (not some passing remark, but with dramatic tears and crying).

- She is a shopaholic. She racked up thousands of dollars in credit card debt that I am paying off (I cancelled her card, we don’t share any financial accounts).

- She has fully cut me off from my family. I’m not allowed to be with them without her, but she hates them and doesn’t want me seeing them. So, for almost 2 years now, I’ve missed all holidays and birthdays with my mom, brother, sister, nieces, and nephews. Due the estrangement, I wasn’t able to go to my brother’s wedding. My sister bitterly hates my wife’s guts and my wife hates her more. Just recently, I was trying hard to broker a deal to try to reconcile with my family… but my wife wouldn’t go along. My nieces and nephews are growing up fast – it makes me really sad.

Wow, I realized I hadn’t even got to the infidelity, sorry – running out of time. She keeps calling me and asking when I’ll get home, I’ve got to go. To be continued.


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35yr Male, No Kids. 2nd marriage 2nd time dealing with disloyal wife. EAs & PAs both times.
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1st Marriage: 2002 to 2004. Unfaithful Wife Left. I attempted a full court R, but she left w/ OM. 
2nd Marriage: 2010 – present (2yrs). Mentally ill DW. Marriage has been a nightmare for me due to her severe clinical mental illnesses. She wants an R, I’m struggling with that prospect..
2nd Marriage PA D-day Oct 19th 2012. Attempted PAs with 10-15 other men.


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## My_2nd_Rodeo (Nov 20, 2012)

Reserved for when I can get back to finish.

UPDATED:

Infidelity – 
After writing all that stuff about how she abuses me, I’m kinda drained. Actually writing about the infidelity is a bit easier. My wife is attractive and a good player – her insecurities need constant feeding of male attention. She never had a real relationship before me, maybe that’s why I allowed a few early on EAs to slide – she swore it was just her inexperience with serious relationships.

Most of my wife’s friends, before me, were men… many with benefits. My wife would use them then toss’em… Others she just flirted with and led them on… tease for attention or to get dinner/stuff. Let’s just say, if she had a blackbook, it would contain many pages. I made her toss out all the male contact information when we got engaged. 

Ah, but there’s this thing called facebook that allows old forgotten friends to quickly find each other…

What’s confirmed for sure: 

-Since the beginning in 2010, light EA’s with highschool crush she’ll reach out to talk to with (FB/texting) from time to time. You know, “that guy that got away.” Caught wind of it and demanded it stop or else. She violated that NC twice afterwards about six months apart. A few brief messages is all I could find, just a “how are you doing, I miss you” stuff. 

-Fall of 2011, I caught her s6xting with a young guy who worked outside her store in a kiosk (mall). Really graphic stuff about doing stuff in the parking lot. Not sure if it was a fantasy PA, the initial request for a PA, or a request for seconds on a PA. She sent him picks of her in lingerie. Under the guise of being her, I made him text back nude pics of himself (more for lols, but also to get leverage on the guy) – with my wife watching me do this as punishment. She convinced me it was a brief screw-up and nothing happened. I made her then call it off over the phone (in front of me) then I contacted the guy… he ran for the hills. He took a job at another mall 30 miles away. I told her we were over if it happened again. This sneaking around occurred a few days before, during, and after my birthday. I probably caught it before PA, not sure. It would have gone PA if I hadn’t found out. Why do they always ruin special days???

-winter 2012, I get a private facebook message from some random lady. Turns out, she was ratting on her fiancé about what my wife had been messaging with him (my wife’s blackbook friend). Bless that woman’s soul. For all you BS’rs… yes rat to the other BS. Well, EA and planned PA, but they couldn’t get the trip timing right before the woman found out. My wife swore that it was all talk. PA unlikely due to him living across the country and the messages revealed struggles getting schedules to work. “Ok, now I’m really warning you wife!” (just shouting, so pathetic of me). She swore on her life she’d never do it again.

Thought we were good. Come a month ago (yep around my b-day again), I start noticing the same signals/patterns that lead into this stuff, gosh DS are idiotic in their FOG. I even gave her some general advice to make the right choices in life. She knows what I meant, I know what I meant. 

D-Day: 
I’m at work a few weeks ago with an overwhelming need to go home and snoop. Completely out of the blue and unlike me (hadn’t poked around at all in 7 months). The 6th sense that a BS has sometimes has. Wife has a 5-10pm shift, so I’m good to do a little FB snooping. BAM! 

She was on her iphone using fb at work while I was home on the ipad… I was watching realtime messages of her asking for the OM for SECONDS that day. Yes, she went earlier that day to his place to commit the PA for the first time with him, and did so. Then she wanted for the same OM (who was a mutual friend that I treat very well, but didn’t trust) to come to her work for a second round. All sorts of dirty talk about what had happened transpired and watch she still wanted to do… I watched the messages going back and forth live. She even shot off a FB note to another OM bragging that she finally did the deed.

When that subsided (I guess she had to do some actual work), I went through the rest of her messages. 8 new guys and thousands of messages. 8 guys she had been trolling with for PAs – all of them were from her mental blackbook. One of them she had over to our house a few days earlier because he was supposed to fix something (she even asked me if it was ok). Another she went out on a date with after work. I’m unsure what happened in both instances. It was kinda pathetic how templated her trolls/conversations where… what a lazy cheater. It was pathetically funny & sad.

So I call her parents to come over and sit with me while we wait for her to get off her shift. I know she is violent and also suicidal, so I needed them there to 1) protect me 2) protect her from herself 3) be witnesses if the police were needed (and they were).

I told her I have a surprise for her, so “please come straight home from work”. Nope, she needed to have coffee with her “girlfriend” who was going through “stuff”. Hahaha… meanwhile I see her FB message a different guy (local ex boyfriend) about meeting up. They did. She didn’t get home till after midnight, which she has never done before. Meanwhile her parents and I know everything and are just waiting for her to “finish up” with OM2 and come home. She swears they just talked, but if they PA’d, he got sloppy seconds.

Ok, so she walks in the door after midnight asking what her surprise is that I promised… also confused why her parent’s car is in the driveway (they live several hours away). 

I asked her what she did, boom BS lies. I have none of it. With desperation in her eyes she starts crying (fake) and saying how she was [email protected] That holds no water with me (obviously she wasn’t, asking for seconds at work and going on and on with the OM in graphic detail over messages afterwards). My wife has no shame and keeps to the lie. I say we better report this to the police, she says no it was “kinda” was her fault that it happened… but she was definitely [email protected]!?

She loses it and has a full blown mental episode. She threatens to kill herself if I leave and agrees that she needs to go to the ER suicide watch and probably be committed. So I call the suicide hotline and explain what’s happening, they said they were sending the police. I then asked my wife, testing her, whether we should also report the [email protected] to the police when they arrive. She weakly says yes, believing I’m bluffing about telling them that (makes no sense). While the police are enroute, I call the OM and tell him he’s about to get arrested for [email protected] He does not hesitate coming completely clean about every major detail… which aligned with all the times and messages I had seen (they did not know I had this information). He was very apologetic to me and kissing my ass – he knows my wife is mentally ill and potentially could take the lie all the way. A few mins. later 6 state troopers arrive at the door (2 females). 

Of course, initially they look at me like I did something (wife was wailing). But I was calm, compassionate, logical, had witnesses, and my wife did not try to pull any funny business… so they quickly assessed and realized this was 100% all about my wife… I hadn’t done anything to her.

So I had to take one of the troopers to the side and tell him about the accusation of [email protected] I told him I didn’t believe it for a second because of the evidence I had, this guy did nothing wrong (NOBODY deserves to be falsely accused of a crime, especially that. My wife hurts true victims of s6xual assault with those false statements). Of course the law is the law, so the now the 6 troopers have to go through the procedures of a reported s6xual assault. However, they don’t believe it either for a second and my wife must have told something to the female trooper that made them not pursue it further.

We checked her in at the ER for suicide watch. She still had to get a s6xual assault medical check. She was released the following day.

Since then, life has been a greater hell. I had my wife delete (not suspend, full deletion) her FB account. Delete all male contacts in her address book. She has since ceased all contact with OMs – it was easier for her because it was more physical, not really romantic EAs. 

She has been begging to stay with me. Telling me I have to try. Threatening suicide. Telling me nobody will love me like she will. We were meant to be together no matter what. Not allowing me to sleep in the spare bedroom.

Well, seems like a no brainer… why don’t I go straight to divorce?

I can’t describe it, but I think I still love her. (I’m not “in love”, but companion type love). I pity her, some of this is just mental disorders. 

She constantly tells me that nobody else will love me like she does. That we were meant to be together for life, there’s no other option. My brain tells me I’m going through some sort of battered wife syndrome, but I’m paralyzed from leaving. I now understand why abused wives stay when everyone tells them to run to a shelter. My wife will find me. She will stalk me. She will harm me. She will destroy our home if I leave. She will try to ruin my career. She will falsely accuse me of anything in order to threaten me to return or be vindictive. She will attempt suicide to either kill herself or get attention.


Other thoughts that anchor me in the marriage – 
-I feel so ashamed, it’s indescribable. I don’t want anybody to know, especially co-workers.
-The prospects of going through a divorce with someone like this scare me.
-Failing for a 2nd time at marriage. I feel like an utter failure
-Not following my faith – not taking on the challenge, giving up too easily
-I just spent all my money buying and upgraded a brand new home (living here for just a year).
-guilt
-her parents are begging me to stay (they understand if I don’t), but they are heartbroken

So why am I here writing all this stuff? Honestly I’m just so confused and really messed up. Wow, I am in shock over what I just wrote – I can’t believe this is me, this is my life. What kind of person am I to go along with this? This can’t be real. I need some advice until I can get the courage to make a choice. 

I have a coworker just ask me why I’m here late the night before Thanksgiving… she doesn’t know that this is the only time I can write this… she doesn’t know that I, a person she has known for 8 years sitting next to her, has this crazy homelife… she also doesn’t know that I’m crying right now on the other side of the partition. I have to get out of here.


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## CorkonAFork (Aug 12, 2012)

:O Ok. So I'm guessing these are some of the highlights of the worst times, although not necessarily a representation of how it is all the time. 

Sounds like you are getting hit a lot. Probably in the same places of your home. I'd get some kind of hidden camera to capture that, or some of her other psychotic behaviour. 

Your next step will be to involve the police. They will make sure she gets the help she needs. 

Yes, SHE needs help. Not YOU. You can't help her. You need to understand this. You are ok, well-adjusted, yada. IT is SHE that is the danger, to you, and yourself, and to others around you.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

That was just the intro to a 2 year old marriage theoretically in the "honeymoon phase"? RUN!!!! Fake your death or whatever. Hell, convince her you are really a ghost. Just get away without getting you or family members killed in the process.


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

Leave while she is at work. Have an officer present in case she is tipped off. Live with someone she's never met or somewhere she cant find you. I understand that you love her, but no one deserves to be abused. It is NOT your responsibility to keep her alive. If she chooses to kill herself it is entirely on her. The infidelity although painful, is irrelevant. There is no fixing this. She needs more help than you can offer. Protect yourself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

WhereAmI said:


> Leave while she is at work. Have an officer present in case she is tipped off. Live with someone she's never met or somewhere she cant find you. I understand that you love her, but no one deserves to be abused. It is NOT your responsibility to keep her alive. If she chooses to kill herself it is entirely on her. The infidelity although painful, is irrelevant. There is no fixing this. She needs more help than you can offer. Protect yourself.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This plus once you leave, call her (record the call) and explain that you're leaving and filing for divorce. If she threatens your or suicide, call the authorities and explain that she has threatened to kill herself. They'll pick her up as a 5150 (danger to self and others) and keep her on a 72 hour hold. Cut off all contact, file for divorce.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Forget about the infidelity. No need to tell me about that after what you have already said about her behavior.

Divorce now! This is not a marriage - it is a hostage situation and you are the hostage.

Protect yourself. Do not worry about her, she is a controlling nut job.


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

What on earth drew you to this woman other than her need to be "helped"? Good lord, if you feel a need to help distressed women, open a damn counseling center or shelter...don't bring them into your personal life!

No amount of medication or counseling will turn this woman into a stable person. She's nuttier than squirrel chit. 

Just leave. You owe her nothing. She was like this before you, and she'll continue to be so long after you're gone. If you stay, you're going to bring kids into this psycho's world, and they'll be severely damaged.

You're going to wind up with a blood soaked towel where your penis used to be while the paramedics try to dig your junk out of the garbage disposal.

WTF?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I think if we don't hear from Rodeo we all can figure what happened!

I know better now a days, but back in the day I would have beat the phsyco out of her. Sorry man but this kind of women can bring out the worst in any man.

Maybe you should go get some bondage gear and tie her up at night.

Why do you stay?


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

*This story is absurd.*

You're guilty of impersonating a grown man, and she's innocent by means of insanity. I can fix this for you: *leave!*

You two have both been overindulged, over-diagnosed and over-coddled.

Toss out the counselors, doctors, retreats, religion, none of it's working for you.

You two need a big dose of real world. Go work for the Red Cross in a third world country, or join the Army, something, you're perspective on how life works is completely skewed, you're thinking needs a complete realignment.

I'm not kidding.

T


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## Michie (Aug 26, 2012)

All I can say, without thoroughly insulting your wife is this:

If (God forbid) something should happen to your family and you have had no contact with, do you want your last memory or conversation with them to be about how much they hate your wife, or the birthday or Christmas you missed. What if something happened to you???


Your wife is SERIOUSLY unstable, violent, controlling, manipulative, childish, malicious, and regardless of her mental instability she CHEATED, that was 100% her choice. Even if all past abuse and behavior could be waved away by her craziness, infidelity is a CHOICE.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## My_2nd_Rodeo (Nov 20, 2012)

I've added my second post below the first. Thank you. I don't have anymore time to talk right now. I will try to reply later.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

You need to have yourself evaluated. That you're not running like Forest Gump means you are also mentally ill, especially loving someone with multiple affair partners per day.

No chance for a family with her, she can't be trusted around anyone defensless.


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## Michie (Aug 26, 2012)

I can't imagine your pain and fear and the ache if pity of compassion, I can to a degree bit your wife is over the top.

If you have to run away........and you have to. You can't save her, she can't love and respect and cherish you as a wife.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Your wife is mentally ill. 

If you really loved her like you say you would check her into a mental hospital and you would divorce her. 

There can be no future in a marriage were only one person will be faithful, and your wife has NO intention on being faithful. She's mentally unhinged and is the very definition of "danger to herself and others" she should not be working, she should not be out and about. She should be in the care and treatment of mental professionals.


You should be divorced. She chose to end you marriage vows with at least one other man, and was proud of it. 

Check her into a hospital, with mental heath professionals, file for divorce. 

you should never have married her.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

And you married her....

Just the rolling on the ground in public would have made me and almost any other man run for the hills already.

File and move on. Stop looking for the fixer uppers. Get one that's well to do and can live on her own without you but wants to be with you for you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

My_2nd_Rodeo said:


> Other thoughts that anchor me in the marriage –
> -I feel so ashamed, it’s indescribable. I don’t want anybody to know, especially co-workers.


Your co-workers don’t need to the now complete story. Just come up with one sentence and use that.
I filed for divorce because after marriage I found out that she is into domestic violence and the destruction of property when angry. [/QUOTE]
That’s it. Just keep saying that until you have it down pat.


My_2nd_Rodeo said:


> -The prospects of going through a divorce with someone like this scare me.


Why should divorce scare you? You have not been married long enough to owe her anything but a few assets that you accumulated in your short marriage. Hire an attorney and tell her to leave you alone and only communicate with your attorney.


My_2nd_Rodeo said:


> -Failing for a 2nd time at marriage. I feel like an utter failure


You are not a failure if you learn from your mistake. What is your mistake? You made excuses for her very very bad behavior before marriage. 

You married her too soon. Date a person for 1-2 YEARS before marriage. That’s right, you need time to find out what they are like before marriage. When an adult woman throws a tantrum an rolls on the floor is a store because she does not like a flatware pattern.. run away quickly. Dump her. Drop any woman when who misbehaves in this manner. 

By the way, why is your MIL picking out your and your wife’s pattern? She overstepped her bounds. And you were not such a ‘good guy’ in allowing this. Sounds like a bad thing all the way around. 

You put up with MIL overstepping her bounds. You go with MIL’s choice and not your bride’s choice. Bride rolls on the floor like at toddler in her terrible 2’s… and yet you married her. Yikes.. 



My_2nd_Rodeo said:


> -Not following my faith – not taking on the challenge, giving up too easily


Please tell us where in your faith it says that marriage includes having to tolerate abuse.



My_2nd_Rodeo said:


> -I just spent all my money buying and upgraded a brand new home (living here for just a year).


You will still have the house. You can live there or sell it.


My_2nd_Rodeo said:


> -guilt
> -her parents are begging me to stay (they understand if I don’t), but they are heartbroken


They were hoping that someone else would take their mentally ill grown child off their hands. Of course they are heart broken. They are going to get her back… unless they grow a spin.



My_2nd_Rodeo said:


> -So why am I here writing all this stuff? Honestly I’m just so confused and really messed up. Wow, I am in shock over what I just wrote – I can’t believe this is me, this is my life. What kind of person am I to go along with this? This can’t be real. I need some advice until I can get the courage to make a choice.


To find the courage to divorce her… keep reading/re-reading your post here.

Tell her leave today. If she cries suicide have her committed on suicide watch. Have her parents pick her up. 

If you need someone to give you some back bone get some family and/or friends to stay with you until you break this addiction you have to her.

And stop trying to fix the unfixable.

And get some help for yourself. You have some serious problems


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## 67flh (Sep 26, 2011)

HERE'S JOHNNIE, redrum-redrum...buddy get your azz out before she kills you. total nutjob.


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## jameskimp (May 8, 2012)

It seems to me the only reason you're staying in this prison is because you love her? Love is overrated. Looking at this from a logical standpoint, I'd stand you're as much a lunatic as her for staying in this situation.

If I were in your shoes, I'd would've left ages ago, called her bluff on the suicide, and been with my blood family that really does love me.

And if she isn't bluffing, you aren't losing much. You win either way. The reason you are staying isn't for love, it's fear.

Get out.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

She is seriously abusive and you may well end up dead.

Leave her, she does not care for you at all, probably just your money. (and I would normally not make that accusation).

You deserve better, someone who does not hurt you, lie to you, cheat on you, threaten you with suicide to get her way.

Please please, contact your family and get some support and leave ASAP.

You may think you love her, but I think you are in love with the idea of a good relationship with her, and the glimpses of the fake person she showed you to get you to marry her. She is not that person.


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

cheatinghubby said:


> And you married her....
> 
> Just the rolling on the ground in public would have made me and almost any other man run for the hills already.
> 
> File and move on. Stop looking for the fixer uppers. Get one that's well to do and can live on her own without you but wants to be with you for you.


Nothing better than a beautiful, confident, indepependent woman who WANTS to be with you, and doesn't NEED to be with you. A woman who can, and better than that WILL walk away from you if you are not up to her standards. 

I want to work to keep my woman. Just the same as she'd better work to keep me, because I, also, am confident and idependent, deserve the best, and won't tolerate chit.

She's a lost cause. Again, you OWE HER NOTHING.

Sorry to say, she's not the only one crazy in this relationship. You need to own your personal craziness for putting up with 1/10th of this psycho's nonsense. Dump the nutty broad, and then get help for yourself and figure out why you think so little of yourself that this :lol: is the "best" you can do. And until you figure it out, do yourself a favor and do not date again.

Rolling around on the ground throwing a fit. Forbids you from seeing family. Takes in more d!ck than a truckstop hooker. And you allow her to think she's doing you a favor.

MAN....THE....PHUCK....UP...!!!!

Doormats attract dirt. You're covered in mud.


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## ItsGonnabeAlright (Nov 19, 2012)

Tony55 said:


> *This story is absurd.*
> 
> You're guilty of impersonating a grown man, and she's innocent by means of insanity. I can fix this for you: *leave!*
> 
> ...


I actually read the whole story, in some ways it reminds me of my marriage. But I was in the Army, and so was he. We've got the counselors and the doctors, and then I stopped the counselors. Nothing seems to work, but I'm pretty sure it's all his fault. And no, Im not just sitting here pointing the finger at him. In some situations it really is one person's fault. Unfortunately, I too have had many relationships where I have been attracted to people because I feel that I can save them. It has not ended well. And in this marriage, I will not be able to save my husband nor am I going to let him drag me down with him. I deserve to live just fine. I never cheated, or did things that were worthy of a divorce. He did, not me. I am 27, he is 30. We too live very well for our age and have done a lot of of traveling. And yes, the traveling has been overall somewhat disastrous. 
This woman is in need of something, I don't know what, but obviously the meds are not working.
Joining the Army or the Red Cross would be a very bad mistake. She would most likely not be accepted, and if accepted she is capable of going crazy and injuring or killing someone. 
You simply need to rid yourself of her and do your best to move on. That's what I need to do too, and don't even think about bringing children into that environment.


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## My_2nd_Rodeo (Nov 20, 2012)

***UPDATE** Tried to drop the D*

**UPDATE** Tried to drop the D bomb

Thank you all, your comments are really really helpful for my confidence and clarity of mind. 
So, on Thanksgiving eve, I felt very emboldened by all the comments here. I finally had resolve in my mind that I would go straight for a D. 

Since it was Thanksgiving Eve, I decided to just keep it to myself so that her, her parents, and I could just have a nice Thanksgiving (they were staying over). When I came home, she picked up on me being a bit emotionally cool, so she kept asking me over and over: “Do you still love me?” I was falling asleep (11pm) and finally could not take this repetitive question anymore… so I calmly (and as compassionately as I could) told her that I loved and cared about her, but I don’t love her in a way a husband should love a wife.

She then immediately asked whether I wanted a D. Ok, here was my shot – if I didn’t “man-up” now (thought about your post right at that moment Tony55) I might lose my chance. So, I delicately said that I was pretty sure that I wanted a D. Ummm… it got bad fast.

She ran out of the bedroom crying and banged on the bedroom door of the inlaws. She marshaled up her parents and that did not go well. The 3 of them teamed up on me till 3am in the morning. What you must know about her parents, they have been fully absorbed by her insanity. They spent decades with this issue and it has warped their minds – denial and enablement to the extreme. 

I am still irate over some of what was said, keep me sane here people (seriously, let me know if I’m overreacting):

-I was told, by her father, that I should not be talking to my psychiatrist or my mom about what’s going on (the only two people, aside from this anonymous board, that I have discussed this with – now I am feeling conflicted about posting here). He said I was putting a scarlet A on her. He doesn’t believe in IC or MC… go figure.

-They said that it’s been 3 weeks since D-day and I should get over it already

-They thought I was sending too many mix signals over the past 3 weeks since D-day. I said fine, I’ll stop, I want a D. (that kicked-off another 2hours of arguing).

-They said I invaded her privacy when I uncovered the affair

-They said that I did not deserve the full truth – what did I need it for, to besmirch her?

-My wife wanted a puppy (after D-day), so they just got her one, but I told them beforehand that this would not change us and I could still get a D and don’t count on me to take care of it (I always get stuck doing everything – cook, clean, choirs). They were concerned because they didn’t want to get stuck taking care of it if she had to move home. Well, you guessed it, they blamed me for ENCOURAGING them to get a puppy. FYI - Cute puppy, I love dogs, but I feel ZERO attachment towards this puppy. Also, my wife made me get rid of my two dogs when we got married – they are now staying with my mom. 

-I told them how I couldn’t be married to someone who physically attacks me. Appropriately, when I said that, she tried to attack me… they had to hold her back and scream at her to stop. They then proceeded to say how much she’s getting better from how she used to be…

So how did it all end? Well, in an effort to knock some sense into her parents, I told her dad how my wife goes on and on about how he used to be a drunk who beat her (her lies about him)… which then prompted for her to say it to his face… Well the fog dropped from his eyes fast. He remembered all the times she lied about him and misrepresented stories. She even said “Dad I remember when you were slapping me while I was in the car and you were driving!” He replied, “you mean that time when you first kicked out the car window and I was trying to hold you down!” After that exchange, her parents started to rally to my side. Her dad lectured her on not forcing me to do, say things, or make decisions right now. He, told her to stop nagging me about all this stuff – just leave me be.

She then spent an hour saying over and over how much she loved me, I’m the only one, there could never be anybody else… etc. I wanted to sleep in the spare bedroom, but she nagged me till I changed my mind (I realized there was no getting through to her). 

She then made me take back the D statement till at least after the holidays. She said she is going to really change and I just needed to give her time. I finally said fine, I’ll discuss it after the holidays. I know she will fail, but I also know that she won’t accept it either. 

So I’m drifting to sleep at 3am. She’s pretty much gotten 90% of her way. She then softly asks me “If we’re separated, does that mean I’m allowed to see other people?” WTF!!!!! 
I told her how revealing that statement was to me, she said “oh, please forget I said anything, I just didn’t know how separations work.” Her thoughts didn’t surprise me (I know she is a cheater), however I’m shocked that her thought process would have her ask that aloud to me… 

I feel myself detaching from her – and I like it. I really hope I can get her to agree to a D after the holidays.


----------------------------------------------------------------------
35yr Male, No Kids. 2nd marriage 2nd time dealing with disloyal wife. EAs & PAs both times.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
1st Marriage: 2002 to 2004. Unfaithful Wife Left. I attempted a full court R, but she left w/ OM. 
2nd Marriage: 2010 – present (2yrs). Mentally ill DW. Marriage has been a nightmare for me due to her severe clinical mental illnesses. She wants an R, I’m struggling with that prospect..
2nd Marriage PA D-day Oct 19th 2012. Attempted PAs with 10-15 other men.


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## My_2nd_Rodeo (Nov 20, 2012)

CorkonAFork said:


> :O Ok. So I'm guessing these are some of the highlights of the worst times, although not necessarily a representation of how it is all the time.


Definately highlights of the worse times. Most of the time she just stays in bed watching TV.  I do all the cooking, cleaning, choirs, etc. 

I struggle to think of good times, because even during the good times (like a concert), I am paranoid about her mental issues. I'm usually trying to "manage" her & her environment to avoid meltdowns... I do this while faking being happy.



CorkonAFork said:


> :
> I'd get some kind of hidden camera to capture that, or some of her other psychotic behaviour.


I got indoor security cameras, but I have to figure out how to get them to record a non incident (they stream video, but only record when the alarm goes off).


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## My_2nd_Rodeo (Nov 20, 2012)

TCSRedhead said:


> This plus once you leave, call her (record the call) and explain that you're leaving and filing for divorce. If she threatens your or suicide, call the authorities and explain that she has threatened to kill herself. They'll pick her up as a 5150 (danger to self and others) and keep her on a 72 hour hold. Cut off all contact, file for divorce.


I copped out a bit and am I'm going to leave after the holidays. I have an overnight/emergency bag I put in my car trunk for a quick escape if need be.

Although my brother has a house 3 miles from me, I still have to find a place to stay. I know he's affraid for the safety of his children - same goes for my sister. I don't blame them, nor would I want to put them in danger.


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## MrsOldNews (Feb 22, 2012)

I have no real advice to give you. But I truly sympathies with your situation. I'm glad you're starting to move your life in a more positive direction. When you finally depart and get your emotions sorted out you'll feel a huge sigh of relief, believe me! 

Whatever you do, don't let her suck you back in!!! And maybe a support group for abuse survivors or something to that effect will help free you of the guilt you obviously feel for leaving her.

Maybe also look into why you were attracted to such a broken person.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Stop it. Just stop it.

She gets branded with "the scarlet A" because she had one.


She is a brat.

You know what. If you want to help this woman you dump consequences on her fast and furious. 

She needs to grow the fck up and now. Not next week, not after thanksgiving or Xmas. NOW.

Next time this petite woman comes at you with fists flying yelling in a narcissistic rage. You wrap you arms around her pick her up. and restrain her with as little force as you can. 
You don't hurt her but you take immediate physical control This crap stops. 
IT STOPS TODAY.
You tell her this.

The tantrums. They stop. 
The screaming. It stops. 
This stops and it stops now!

You will no longer tolerate it. 


Stay cool. Detach. Contain the violence against you because your physically strong enough. Your a MAN. That is what she is screaming for a man to look after her, take control. be in charge. She is not emotionally developed beyond a teenager at best. 
You do not have to do any of this. 

You DO have to take control of your self. The situation. YOUR LIFE.

Expect her to become almost opposite as soon as you do this. 
Affection and gooey eyes will be instantly forthcoming.
Do not be sucked in. She is very used to getting her own way and manipulating you with tears, violence and sex.

DO NOT BECOME VIOLENT IN RETURN. You do not allow this anymore though. 

Got it?


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## ItsGonnabeAlright (Nov 19, 2012)

I'm glad to read an update on this and see that you survived. As bad as that night turned out to be, you're probably glad you said it, it had to be said. It's funny that her parents said you shouldn't be talking about this to other people, but it seems that they had a lot of opinions of their own, as if they were butting in. 

I too have been told to just 'get over things', by a good for nothing marital counselor. 
I am glad you did this. She reminds me of other people I know, It's obvious she is highly toxic and I feel sorry for that pup. She sounds like an uncontrollable person that still throws childish temper tantrums when upset. Even if she is at fault.
Someday people like you and me, in highly volatile situations will look back and say, "What the hell were we thinking?!"
It's obvious her parents want someone to get stuck with their demon child, hopefully she will move in with them, and they will have to put up with her crap. 
The woman should be committed in a mental institution.
Get away from her, before she drags you down with her.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

You need to stop this now.

Go see your lawyer, serve her the papers and move on.
You will never get this time back, you are wasting your precious time on a woman who treats you like a piece of poo.

Once it is over you will feel relief. And stop feeling bad for her.

Go to counselling and learn to recognise the signs of abusive women, so you don't get into a relationship with another one. 

Also learn how to balance being a good man with not being a doormat. It's OK to say no and have good boundaries.

Do not spend one more night with this woman.


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## The Cro-Magnon (Sep 30, 2012)

*Re: **UPDATE** Tried to drop the D*



My_2nd_Rodeo said:


> So I’m drifting to sleep at 3am. She’s pretty much gotten 90% of her way. She then softly asks me “If we’re separated, does that mean I’m allowed to see other people?” WTF!!!!!


ROTFLMAO!
I hate to say it, but I literally just burst out laughing while sitting here at my computer after reading this punchline after the long build up of your post. Un freaking belieavable! She has completely lost it!

Divorce her, get far, far away from her and her inlaws!


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You started out well but then you negotiated to a failure.

why are you staying? Do you think someone as abusive as her can turn it on/off by choice? You're wife is not emotionally stable.

Think of it this way:

A. she is in control and can control her outbursts which means all these years she has deliberately been using violent, and emotional threats to abuse you. - If this is True, then your wife chooses to abuse you.

OR

B. She is unstable and unable to control herself. She is a danger to you and possibly even herself. If this is true, your wife isn't choosing to abuse you, instead she is out of even her control and the abuse just happens.

Either way do you see it improving just because it's the holidays?

Either way you need to get out.

Right now you have time and likely a light work load to begin the divorce process. In January things will be busy again and the work of doing the D will be badly impacting your work and other things.

Right now is the best time for YOU to begin saving yourself.

Oh and as others have said, she wears the scarlet A because she chose to cheat.


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

*Re: **UPDATE** Tried to drop the D*



My_2nd_Rodeo said:


> She marshaled up her parents and that did not go well. The 3 of them teamed up on me till 3am in the morning. What you must know about her parents, they have been fully absorbed by her insanity. They spent decades with this issue and it has warped their minds – denial and enablement to the extreme.


*Over-coddled and over-indulged.*

When you said...
*"So I’m drifting to sleep at 3am. She’s pretty much gotten 90% of her way. She then softly asks me “If we’re separated, does that mean I’m allowed to see other people?” WTF!!!!! "*
I almost fell out of my chair, I'm sorry, if it wasn't so crazy, it would be funny.

Ok, so, your waiting until after the holidays. You should spend that time getting all the info you need for how to go about successfully separating from a potentially dangerous person. Find out if you need a cop there, a medic, whatever.

Just lay low while you prepare, don't piss her off, it's too dangerous.

T


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## hrdhtnmn (Nov 4, 2012)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I expect your going to find she's already got someone in mind to hook up with immediately.

So expect her to start doing that as soon as this coming week, just to hurt you.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> - She, with full force, face punches and slaps me. She once attacked me in front of her Mom, and her mom tried to hold her back and begged her to stop punching me. However, most of this stuff occurs in private. Maybe 30 different incidents of this over our relationship, it’s died down a bit lately (although it happened last night). One night, it was so bad that *I had to call my mom over to protect me *(because she’s a woman) – huge blowout from that, I “was wrong” for involving my mom.


I stop reading this here... Didn't even reach the infidelity part.

Dude, people can be here all day giving you advice. But deep down the problem is that there is something completely wrong with you. To say you need to man up would be the understatement of the year. And you have no excuse because you know she was like this before you married her. 

You are in eminent danger. This woman will kill you sooner or later in your sleep.


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## Hope Springs Eternal (Oct 6, 2012)

My_2nd_Rodeo said:


> I have to get out of here.


I got 2/3 of the way through this and thought you might write..."so I decided to kill her." Amazed that you haven't.


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## Hope Springs Eternal (Oct 6, 2012)

*Re: **UPDATE** Tried to drop the D*



My_2nd_Rodeo said:


> -I was told, by her father, that I should not be talking to my psychiatrist or my mom about what’s going on (the only two people, aside from this anonymous board, that I have discussed this with – now I am feeling conflicted about posting here).


I see here that you, too, require psychatric care. What is your diagnosis?


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## onthefence210 (Apr 29, 2012)

My_2nd_Rodeo said:


> **UPDATE** Tried to drop the D bomb
> 
> Thank you all, your comments are really really helpful for my confidence and clarity of mind.
> So, on Thanksgiving eve, I felt very emboldened by all the comments here. I finally had resolve in my mind that I would go straight for a D.
> ...


I feel so sorry for you, but the reality you've painted will never be easy to get out of without you committing to it and leaving her and your in laws out of the loop. She is not someone you can have a rational discussion about her actions and ultimate consequences. She has always had people using her mental illness as an excuse. So you either have to accept her behavior and stop trying to change/fix her or get the f*ck out. No note, no nothing. Go straight to a lawyer and handle everything thru him/her. And you need to keep a journal of the abuse, go to a freaking shelter for abuse victims because that is exactly what u are. You too need some serious help. You attracted a woman like this for a reason...figure that out and make the changes within yourself so you never end up with another woman like this again. 

I know it's hard. I've lived with emotional abuse my entire marriage. My therapist has compared me to a character in the Shawshank redemption. About living in a prison so long that it is just what we know. It's comfortable. And we get to decide when we get out if we comitt another crime to go back to what's comfortable to us? Or do we see the light and change who we are so that we can live happily in normal society? We aren't responsible for these people. We can't fix them or make them better. Yes they too deserve to be loved and believe me...the kind of love they need isn't anything you can give them. So you just need to save yourself before she does kill you. And stop letting her win. Yes, it's uncomfortable to set boundaries and apply consequences especially if you've never done it...but try it. It let's you take back some of your own power. The power to stop blaming her for doing awful things when it's you who lets her. 

Please get out especially now that you don't have kids. I wish I would have known half what I do now before I brought an innocent person into my mess. Good luck 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

There is something that you need to learn from your encounter on Thanksgiving… you cannot reason with her or her family. You are not strong enough to not be suckered into their nonsense. 

All the stuff you say her parents told you is crap. You have the right to discuss your marital issues with a counselor and psychiatrist. You have the right to snoop and find evidence when your spouse is cheating. They just want you to take their very disturbed daughter off their hands. They created this mess of a person, they need to deal with her not you.

I really don’t think you should wait until after Christmas. This gives her time to play all kinds of games with you, to cheat more, to lie more, to beat on you more. Shoot she even has time to get pregnant so that she has you trapped forever. 
Get away from her now. See an attorney to draw up divorce papers. Make sure you get a copy of all financial paperwork so that you can protect yourself there.

Arrange a place for you to live. Have that ready.

Now plan your exit… plan for a day when she’s out for the day, or evening.

When she’s not around remove all valuables to a save location, like storage bin.

Make sure that you take the copies of financial paperwork with you. You should leave her a copy as well.

Move out to this new place, even if it’s a motel room.
Do not tell her or her family where you are. 

Leave her a note that you have moved out and will not talk to her or her family anymore. Tell her that all communications will be trough your attorney. And of course put the attorney’s info in the letter. Be sure to tell her in the letter that yea, now she can see anyone she wants ….

If you fear that she or her family will harass you at work, tell them that if they come near your place of work that you will have a restraining order placed on them for trying to jeopardize your employment.

And then watch your back. My step son married a young girl who behaved a lot like your wife (except the rollin on the floor in the store thing). She ended getting her brother to try to kill my step-son in a drive-by shooting... they tired it at a target parking lot and later at my house.

Be careful this girl is nuts, you have no idea what she is capable of.

Just get away from her and stop talking to her at all. If you can move out of town, out of state do it.

ETA: I almost forgot this. On the day you move out, before she finds out, open a checking and savings account in your name and move 50% of all joint funds into you accounts. If you have any other joint assets move half into your name as well before.

As for the house, talk to your attorney about how to get her out of it eventually. If you put money into the house that was yours before marriage make sure you have the paperwork to give a clear audit trail to show that it was sole property that paid for the house... otherwise you will have to buy her out of 50% of the house.


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## mupostori (May 20, 2012)

This is what you get when you get yoked to an unbeliever (2 Cori v14-16). The grounds for divorce(sexual relations) are there ,so I don't see why she can use faith as a tool. I am disappointed in you Sir how can you let an unbeliever stop you from attending your church.I strongly believe your wife is demon possessed and the people at your old church were after those demons.Divorce is the way to go but this situation could be salvaged if you could get a pastor to cast the demons or you yourself could lay hands on her.

as for the issue of tattoos I refer you to Levi 19 v 28 

P.S unbelievers don't respond to this post


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

mupostori said:


> This is what you get when you get yoked to an unbeliever (2 Cori v14-16). The grounds for divorce(sexual relations) are there ,so I don't see why she can use faith as a tool. I am disappointed in you Sir how can you let an unbeliever stop you from attending your church.I strongly believe your wife is demon possessed and the people at your old church were after those demons.Divorce is the way to go but this situation could be salvaged if you could get a pastor to cast the demons or you yourself could lay hands on her.
> 
> as for the issue of tattoos I refer you to Levi 19 v 28
> 
> P.S unbelievers don't respond to this post


You cannot tell people on an open forum who can and who cannot respond to a post. Does not work.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> You cannot tell people on an open forum who can and who cannot respond to a post. Does not work.


:rofl: Sorry that was just funny.

But he said don't respond. 

And Op please don't make this worse by trying to cast out demons.

Just accept she is the devil  and move on.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*LittleDeer* said:


> :rofl: Sorry that was just funny.
> 
> But he said don't respond.
> 
> ...


I know ... I was chuckling to myself when I responded. The surest way to get a response is to tell people not to respond. 

It's like telling a kid to not get a cookie out of the cookie jar.


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

mupostori said:


> Divorce is the way to go but this situation could be salvaged if you could get a pastor to cast the demons or you yourself could lay hands on her.
> 
> as for the issue of tattoos I refer you to Levi 19 v 28
> 
> P.S unbelievers don't respond to this post



Mupostori, I'm a believer, and I looked everywhere in my Quran for "Cori v14-16" and "Levi 19 v28", and can't find them anywhere, can you please help me?

T


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## Foghorn (Sep 10, 2012)

Rodeo,

If you are a real poster, and not a troll (sorry, but your story sounds like that) then I have this for you:

You did not need the infidelity to get out of this marriage. Your marriage is abusive, your wife is sick, and this relationship is toxic. You are co-dependent. She's needy, and you need her to need you. 

File, get a restraining order, and leave this nutjob and her crazy parents far in the rear-view mirror. Find someone who loves and respects you.

Bottom line, the parents don't want you to leave her, because they need a 3rd parent just to watch over the Nutty McNutjob daughter. 

Is that what you want out of your marriage? To be another "Father" to a mentally ill woman? It's time to bail.


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## My_2nd_Rodeo (Nov 20, 2012)

Hi All, 

I'm going to give an update and reply to most of the people who posted within the next 15mins. I want to reply to everyone at one time so that I'm not drib and drab bumping my post to the top. There are a lot of other posters in desperate need and I don't want them to drop to the bottom of the forum.

***UPDATE***

As you know I've agreed to pause the D talk and wait till after the holidays to resume the discussion if I so desire. This was after my wife begged and pleaded to give her another chance/try.

I figure, what's the difference in waiting a month if it means she can remain calm and maybe not contest the divorce (which she is insisting she'll do to prevent me from leaving). I live in a state that a contested divorce will delay a D for about 1.5 to 2 years. I’m 35, so that means I’ll be in my early 40s before I can get into a real relationship (Divorcecare taught me to wait at least 3 years before starting to date) and mid 40s (earliest) before I could MAYBE be married and start to have children. I don’t want to be 70 when my kids are graduating high school. Ok, not that I’m thinking about relationships or am confiding/flirting with women… it’s just the pragmatic view of my time left on this planet.

I do have some legal options given her mental health, but they are a bit complex and not typically pursued in the courts. 

So, she can't move out. She can move home, but she'll need to take a new job. I also want to leaver her with medical insurance and a prospect for a career. So I’ve been researching medicare requirements and community college degrees that I would try to help her out on till she could start a real fulltime job w/ medical benefits. I love her as a person and do not want to leave her high and dry, despite everything she’s put me through. Frankly, she also doesn't move out because she is convinced we were meant to be together and it will all work out.

Luckily, there is not much to report back. She has scheduled IC for herself tomorrow (told her not to BS or beat around the bush… go for it immediately with the IC person). She's gotten books on how to save the marriage. She also got one book that she said was extremely hard to buy for her: "Almost a Psychopath: Do I (or Does Someone I Know) Have a Problem with Manipulation and Lack of Empathy?"


-We had a deep talk at my request. The thing about my wife and her condition(s), it results in a very shallow relationship. I conveyed this and she wants to get "deeper." 

-She keeps telling me that I need to TRULY give it a chance & try. However, I did tell her that the past 3 years I had many points where I pushed-on in spite of the extreme behavior. Giving her the time to delay D talks (end of holidays) and also trying to spend as much time with her as I can tolerate, that is my max extent of trying at this time. I will not do MC as long as she withholds the truth from me on what happened.

-I feel right now that my life is not in danger, but I know she turns on a dime. She can instantly become a different person, with no inhibitions of violence. I am concerned that if I keep talking about a D, in an effort to emotionally brace her for that likelihood, that she might give in to her darker side without any indications. Pure speculation that I should not entertain to be fair to her, however it does way on my mind that when the suddenly “goes silent”, bigger matters may be a hand.

-I’m proud that I’m making her pay for the copay on the ER trip on D-day (for her suicide watch and [email protected] testing). The hospital bill was close to $2500, the copay close to $500. I’m taking reasonable installments from her ($100 per paycheck). I’ll be darned if I have to pay for anything associated with that night! Also, I’m making her pay the co-pay on her IC sessions. I don’t want it be a freebie… the stuff that becomes optional. I want her to have skin in the game and demonstrate she is willing to sacrifice a bit of her shopping sprees in order to pay for her own betterment.

-She still goes on and on about she is going to change to save our relationship. I keep telling her that she should want to change for own benefit. It isn’t sinking in, and I fear everything she is doing now is very temporary.

-My resolve in getting a D is growing each min. (thanks everyone, that's kinda weird to be grateful for).

I do really struggle with posting here, I feel as if I'm gossiping... and I am in a way. However, it is such a good venting, since I really have no one to discuss this with right now. I've stopped giving updates to my mom, she is so scared that I don't want to feed her fears anymore (although my silence also scares her). 

One thing that I left out of my story, mainly because this isn't a mental health forum and I didn't want to derail. My family life growing up was extremely abusive at times. My mother had to flee in the night because my father had mental issues (bipolar, manic, it was the 1970s medicine) and would beat her without even knowing it. He committed suicide shortly after she fled with us (I was 5). After that she married an alcoholic NYC ex-cop that was beaten as a child himself. Me being the youngest... I was beaten (not too many times – 50ish over 8 years, but I hid in my room under constant fear... and I don't count a good old fashion spanking with hand or belt in that equation), got a few broken bones, and even strangled nearly to unconsciousness (in Disney World of all places, my sister saved my life). That was finally the tipping point where my mom asked me if she can get a divorce... weird to ask a 14 year old for permission to divorce... but I said heck yes and she did so). Then there was also violence with my mom (which her guilt carries to this day) and my siblings (2 way street on that). I did IC to move past all that, I feel as though I have... however I may have partially chosen this relationship to relive and/or to right/conquer the wrongs of my past. I’ll work that out in IC I’m starting soon.

In any event, I'm in the limbo. The holding pattern is till Jan 2nd, but my wife is already grumbling about that. She's manipulating me and already asking for an extension.


My wife took an STD test, the results were mailed I saw them with my own eyes (this actually happened a few days before thanksgiving but I forgot to mention it). All negative.:smthumbup:

My wife wants to desperately get pregnant, she makes no bones about attempting to do so. I also read, when I was previously snooping, that she had been trying to do so for months (not taking BC w/out telling me). I must assume she will have, or is having, s6x with other men and she WILL try to get pregnant by me. So, when we do have s6x (when I'm weak, rarely. She pushes it ) I use protection and flush it... which she protests against (allergic to latex is her reason). Probably TMI, but the silent readers going through a similar situation… you may be wondering… so there it is.

In a nutshell, things could be better, but there is at least some peace in the house. My wife’s expectations are way off and I'm unable to instill that there is a very high chance of divorce.

I’m now replying to posts. Thanks.


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## My_2nd_Rodeo (Nov 20, 2012)

WhereAmI said:


> I understand that you love her, but no one deserves to be abused. _Posted via Mobile Device_


She doesn't leave permanent marks or even puffy eyes. As a man, my wife mostly slapping or punching me around doesn't justfiy me as being somewhat "abused". I know I am to a degree, but maybe not compared to everyone else here. This seems normal to me at this point - most of you go through this and I'm being a drama queen. 




WhereAmI said:


> It is NOT your responsibility to keep her alive. If she chooses to kill herself it is entirely on her.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I just added a post discussing my background a bit, because it's now becoming more relevant. My father committed suicide when I was 5. I feel like I must atone for him. This is my ultimate weakness... I know it... she knows it. However, her suicidal threats & tendencies far pre-date me. She didn't just create this, she really has been and is suicidal.


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## My_2nd_Rodeo (Nov 20, 2012)

TDSC60 said:


> Divorce now! This is not a marriage - it is a hostage situation and you are the hostage.


It does feel like a prison life sentence. People can feel that way on year # 10 of a great 9 year marriage... so I don't want to feel like I didnt really try.



TDSC60 said:


> Protect yourself. Do not worry about her, she is a controlling nut job.


... an she calls me controlling to her friends. I gave her so much slack, she hung me with it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

My_2nd_Rodeo said:


> She doesn't leave permanent marks or even puffy eyes. As a man, my wife mostly slapping or punching me around doesn't justfiy me as being somewhat "abused". I know I am to a degree, but maybe not compared to everyone else here. This seems normal to me at this point - most of you go through this and I'm being a drama queen.


I know a woman who used to have fights like that with her husband. Like you he thought that he was a guy and it really was not all that bad that she hit him.. he could take it.


Then one night she picked up a phone and hit him in the head. He died.


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## My_2nd_Rodeo (Nov 20, 2012)

donny64 said:


> What on earth drew you to this woman other than her need to be "helped"? Good lord, if you feel a need to help distressed women, open a damn counseling center or shelter...don't bring them into your personal life!


My retirement ambition is to open a non-profit helping pregnant single moms (education, childcare, parenting, emergency shelter). Not as a frontline person, just more of the admin and strategy back-end. There are a few non-profits that do this, but I think I'd run things a bit differently.

The rest of your post was spot on. No good answer.


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## My_2nd_Rodeo (Nov 20, 2012)

the guy said:


> I know better now a days, but back in the day I would have beat the phsyco out of her. Sorry man but this kind of women can bring out the worst in any man.


It is a huge test at times. The one thing I keep telling myself, as she is fighting me, is that she is mentally handicapped. It's in her nature that she cannot control yet. It helps de-personalize the acts from the person... for better or worse.



the guy said:


> Maybe you should go get some bondage gear and tie her up at night.



We have that stuff, not my bag, but I'm for satisfying my mate (certain rules cannot be passed). So I'd be opened to all this with a healthy mate, but this feeds my wife's disorders... like a sex addict. She has bondage and [email protected] fantasies... which I did mention during all these arguments about her accusations of the OM.


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## My_2nd_Rodeo (Nov 20, 2012)

Tony55 said:


> *This story is absurd.*
> 
> You're guilty of impersonating a grown man


Tony, this saying will stick with me for the rest of my life. :iagree:

You're right about the skewed outlook on life. It was what I was born into - it is the world I know and am accustomed too.

I wish I had the courage to just drop everything and go overseas (I admire those people to do so).


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## Juicer (May 2, 2012)

Dude, you honestly think she'll hold up to her word to not contest the divorce until after the holidays? She is psycho. 
She agreed to not cheat on you when she took her wedding vows. We all know how well that went over. 

This ends in one of several places. 
Either the hospital because she put you there.
The court house with divorce and a restraining order
Or the morgue. 

Take your pick.


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## My_2nd_Rodeo (Nov 20, 2012)

Michie said:


> All I can say, without thoroughly insulting your wife is this:
> 
> If (God forbid) something should happen to your family and you have had no contact with, do you want your last memory or conversation with them to be about how much they hate your wife, or the birthday or Christmas you missed. What if something happened to you???


I have records and a special video tape for my family. I had to make a tape to tell them everything and offer a personal message. My mom knows the location of the material and my will. Yes, that is kinda sick. 

Regarding my family, I have a lot of work to do to UNDO the damage over the past few years. Even now, my wife insists that she be with me when I visit them (which I told her I WILL VISIT them from now on)... I had to tell her NO, and that her presence would not be welcomed initially.


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

Well, this is interesting.

*Here's what I think:*

Considering the abuse you've suffered as a child, you'll be fine with your wife, if nothing else, life has prepared you to deal with someone who's out of their mind (your father and step-father). _I'm not kidding about this_.
Don't have a baby. Do not create a child. Do not bring life into this world with that woman. Go to a sperm bank, store it, and get a vasectomy if you have to.
"Divorcecare taught me to wait at least 3 years before starting to date" That's absolutely ridiculous.

T


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Hi.
In some ways you are getting better.

She will go along with you about not contesting the Divorce as long as you go along with her. As soon as she realizes that she has LOST CONTROL it will be a different matter.
The books are good. It may be that she is serious. She probably even believes this. The reason she is doing it is because she has notices that she will lose her CONTROL. From what you say there is little empathy. This is horrible to see and the further you get away from her the more you will wonder how you didn't notice this before.

It is easy to manipulate you since you still say you love her. It is not a bad thing at this stage but perhaps consider why you still love her.

Have a think about that. 

She will contest the Divorce.

DO NOT wait 3 years post Divorce! 
The best way to get over a woman is to get over a woman 
I waited about 9 mins.. Still with her. Still think she is amazing and still get blown away by a normal person with empathy.


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## My_2nd_Rodeo (Nov 20, 2012)

chapparal said:


> You need to have yourself evaluated. That you're not running like Forest Gump means you are also mentally ill, especially loving someone with multiple affair partners per day.



:soapbox: QUESTIONS ON MY MENTAL ILLNESS 

(just creating a title, not actually shouting)

So from this post on, many of you have asked or said that I may be suffering from mental illness. No doubt my previous Update post, may have solidified your beliefs.


I'm very blunt about matters:

Mental illness runs in my family and my wife’s family. I didn't want to go here, but my other concern for any children w/ my wife would be the high probability of mental illness. Not that I wouldn't give everything I could to that child gladly, but that this was a very selfish decision and the child/person may have to pay because of us.


I've done a lot of self initiated IC because I believe in listening to others, to discover your weaknesses... then address those weaknesses . I worked really hard and was a whole person for a good portion of the period between my marriages. Very happy with life, downside was some occasional loneliness. During that time - I dated, I broke up, I was happy, I was sad... but it was all very natural and normal. 

So, I started experiencing anxiety attacks 1.5years ago. It was a result of my marriage, buying & moving to a new home, and being overworked. 

My wife started giving me her blue pills (xanax max dosage) , but I went to a professional quickly because I don't want to fool around with prescription drugs - that can be seriously addictive stuff.

So I saw a professional and she gave me klonopin to deal with the anxiety I had was experiencing about twice a day. Interestingly, it occurred once when I woke up in the morning and the other time when I left work. She also gave sleep aides, yeah because I had nightmares, but I didn't take those. Sleeping pills left me unrestful and I don't trust them. Finally, I was prescribed lamotrigine to stabilize my mood. 

I was able to get off the klonopin script quickly. I haven't had anxiety attacks in 9 months... not even through D-day+. Very good. My sleep is mixed - as would be expected of anyone coping with this stuff. 

No doubt, I’m in way over my head in this relationship and it has taken a toll on my mental and physical health. In many ways this relationship made me lose my identity and just broke me (as a person). 

So there it is. Seriously, I’m not mental - I'm close to PAR for our USA family lives.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

First do not have a baby with her. Ever. Your wife having a kid is dooming the kid to a life of abuse at her hands. She should never be allowed to have children in her care. Ever.

Second - I think your history has made you far too accepting of violence and abuse. It's become your norm, and so you let it happen. You've stayed with her this far and even now you're rationalizing why you will stay.

Please please do not let her have a child. No child deserves that kind of hell and abuse.


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## My_2nd_Rodeo (Nov 20, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Your wife is mentally ill.
> 
> If you really loved her like you say you would check her into a mental hospital and you would divorce her. .


On the D-day ER night, we did discuss it and she had a name of a place. I know, though, that her primary reason would be to have an "out" from her actions - a do-over ace up her sleeve. Also, she would love an excuse to quit working. She likely needs the help, but only she can want it.



Shaggy said:


> You should be divorced. She chose to end you marriage vows with at least one other man, and was proud of it. .


I keep reminding myself of your post, thank you. I also tell her this now when she says "It's not fair if you don't really try hard to save this marriage"


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## My_2nd_Rodeo (Nov 20, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Your...



WOW, everything was pretty spot on. Good advice, obviously I'm not doing it all, but really good stuff. Thank you.


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## My_2nd_Rodeo (Nov 20, 2012)

*LittleDeer* said:


> ...but I think you are in love with the idea of a good relationship with her, and the glimpses of the fake person she showed you to get you to marry her. She is not that person.


I think this is not too far off the mark, I have an ideal scenario where this all works out and she is "fixed". The relationship then becomes a "happily ever after" or something like that... 

This was a longshot where I ignored/defiant to the odds, and the longshot failed. Now she wants me to bet on her again.


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## My_2nd_Rodeo (Nov 20, 2012)

donny64 said:


> Nothing better than a beautiful, confident, indepependent woman who WANTS to be with you, and doesn't NEED to be with you. A woman who can, and better than that WILL walk away from you if you are not up to her standards.
> 
> I want to work to keep my woman. Just the same as she'd better work to keep me, because I, also, am confident and idependent, deserve the best, and won't tolerate chit.


Yes, I want that and am saddened that I may never have someone like that in my life. It's such a burden to be working so hard to hold something together, while the other person barely contributes.

I cook, clean, do the choirs, and pamper her way beyond I should have. Last night, she cooked the 4th dinner in the course of our whole 3 yr relationship (with her mother's help of course). She was so proud and asking me for a lot of praise... but I felt like, that's really basic stuff that not be given an abundance of praise.


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## My_2nd_Rodeo (Nov 20, 2012)

ItsGonnabeAlright said:


> I actually read the whole story, in some ways it reminds me of my marriage...


I know to a lot of people, this situation sounds really stupid and/or crazy. I know there must be other people going through similar circumstances. Thank you.


PS - so if I take your advice and get out, will you? Funny thing is I just helped out a friend going through a cheating other... worked out well... now I"m not taking my own advice.


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## My_2nd_Rodeo (Nov 20, 2012)

MrsOldNews said:


> Maybe also look into why you were attracted to such a broken person.


Good advice, I paid $200 bucks for the same suggestion


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## My_2nd_Rodeo (Nov 20, 2012)

ing said:


> Stop it. Just stop it.
> 
> She gets branded with "the scarlet A" because she had one.
> 
> ...


Really good post. When I had a deep talk with her the other day, I brought a lot of this up after reading your post... she seemed to agree to what I was saying.

In terms of how to deal with her violence. One time I tried to hold her in a bearhug (just stop her from flailing, not to crush her - about 2 years ago). Her anger and violence esclated. She bite me on the arm (over the shirt, so she didn't draw blood, left teeth bruises) and drew a sissors on me. So I didn't try that again.

On D-day, like a few other times, her mother hid the kitchen knives before she entered the room. Her mom did that, just 4 weeks ago.

I did lay down the law on the voilence/trantrums and she knows that the next time, very next time it happens, I'm gone and it's over forever. She agreed to that - I'm skeptical she will live up to the promise.


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## My_2nd_Rodeo (Nov 20, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> You started out well but then you negotiated to a failure.



I did waiver, and that led to a huge compromise (delaying a month). I don't want to do that again... and I know she is going to pull this again after the holidays.


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## My_2nd_Rodeo (Nov 20, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> I expect your going to find she's already got someone in mind to hook up with immediately.
> 
> So expect her to start doing that as soon as this coming week, just to hurt you.


She gave me a list of 14 men, that she admitted to EAs (again they were shallow EAs with the ;rimary goal being a PAs).

I KNOW she would be hooking up immediately if she thought we were a lost cause. I'm living my life as if she is hooking-up, staying safe and not worrying what's she doing (because I'm prepared for the worst). My apathy is growing.


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## My_2nd_Rodeo (Nov 20, 2012)

onthefence210 said:


> I feel so sorry for you, but the reality you've painted will never be easy to get out of without you committing to it and leaving her and your in laws out of the loop. She is not someone you can have a rational discussion about her actions and ultimate consequences. She has always had people using her mental illness as an excuse. So you either have to accept her behavior and stop trying to change/fix her or get the f*ck out. No note, no nothing. Go straight to a lawyer and handle everything thru him/her. And you need to keep a journal of the abuse, go to a freaking shelter for abuse victims because that is exactly what u are. You too need some serious help. You attracted a woman like this for a reason...figure that out and make the changes within yourself so you never end up with another woman like this again.
> 
> I know it's hard. I've lived with emotional abuse my entire marriage. My therapist has compared me to a character in the Shawshank redemption. About living in a prison so long that it is just what we know. It's comfortable. And we get to decide when we get out if we comitt another crime to go back to what's comfortable to us? Or do we see the light and change who we are so that we can live happily in normal society? We aren't responsible for these people. We can't fix them or make them better. Yes they too deserve to be loved and believe me...the kind of love they need isn't anything you can give them. So you just need to save yourself before she does kill you. And stop letting her win. Yes, it's uncomfortable to set boundaries and apply consequences especially if you've never done it...but try it. It let's you take back some of your own power. The power to stop blaming her for doing awful things when it's you who lets her.
> 
> ...



Thank you, I've decided to leave her parents out of the loop from here on out. I've also cautioned her about overburdening them with the details because her mom is clearly cracking.

She is very good at winning. I will resist this and try to get out. I also don't want kids with the woman she is, totally agree with you. Thank you onthefence.


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## My_2nd_Rodeo (Nov 20, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> There is something that you need to learn...


Good practical advice. I feel bad about breaking the promise to wait till after the holidays to talk to a lawyer about a D. I will really consider it because I know you're right, she will use the time to manipulate me more.

Luckily, I never co-mingled my accounts. I opened one credit card with her as an authorized user, which she maxed out and I closed 2 days after D-day. She also bragged on the morning of the wedding, on text message to her best friend, that she was excited that she didn't have to sign a prenup. It was in jest, but probably a grain of salt sprinkled in there somewhere.

She's on the deed, but everything put into the house was from me with a paper trail (most from my previous home equity prior to her). I bought her tens of thousands in jewelry, not sure how courts view those assets.


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## My_2nd_Rodeo (Nov 20, 2012)

mupostori said:


> This is what you get when you get yoked to an unbeliever (2 Cori v14-16). The grounds for divorce(sexual relations) are there ,so I don't see why she can use faith as a tool. I am disappointed in you Sir how can you let an unbeliever stop you from attending your church.I strongly believe your wife is demon possessed and the people at your old church were after those demons.Divorce is the way to go but this situation could be salvaged if you could get a pastor to cast the demons or you yourself could lay hands on her.
> 
> as for the issue of tattoos I refer you to Levi 19 v 28
> 
> P.S unbelievers don't respond to this post


Hey, I do know what you're trying to convey. I went through a huge crisis during my first marriage and did extensive research and study. PM me though with your thoughts, this isn't a Christian forum.

To everyone else, Christians are hyprocrites, the biggest of them all. No matter the "sin". 

2 main beliefs:

Love your neighbor as yourself.
Love God with all your heart.

I don't want to talk religion or politics on this forum -seems highly inappropriate to me IMO. So PM me.:smthumbup:


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## My_2nd_Rodeo (Nov 20, 2012)

Foghorn said:


> Rodeo,
> 
> If you are a real poster, and not a troll (sorry, but your story sounds like that)...


When I was 17 & 18, I was in the Sheriff's Cadet program. We had uniforms, did ride alongs, took training classes, etc.

One lesson was, there are 3 sides to every story... His side, her side, and the truth. I have done my best to be truthful here. I have not inflated or omitted portions of my story. There's really no point for me.

This does remind me of one MAJOR GOOD thing about her. She has rarely verbal put me down or named called me. That's a good thing for sure. 

I'm going to be tired for work tomorrow, so I don't want to waste time trolling. Thank you for the rest of your post.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I wonder if she is going to get pregnant, either by you or another guy this month.

Be wary, and demand a DNA test.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

I'm sorry you've ended up here - your story is heartbreaking.

First, no abuse tolerated. Ever. Period. Get out.

Second, you've been hardwired to think that you deserve abuse based on how you were raised. No one ever should be abused. You now have the ability to choose your life. Choose one where you are loved, cherished and respected. 

Third, do not have sex with this woman if you're intending to leave. Entrapment via pregnancy, STD, etc. are all too possible and unfair to you. Do NOT bring a child into the life that you grew up in - would you wish that on anyone? 

Run, don't walk, to a therapist who has experience in dealing with survivors of abuse. They'll be able to help you heal and stop this cycle.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

My_2nd_Rodeo said:


> On D-day, like a few other times, her mother hid the kitchen knives before she entered the room. Her mom did that, just 4 weeks ago.


Are you serious??? If her mom, the one person who knows her from head to toe, had to do this. You would be a fool to take her back right now.

Lorena Bobbit is all I can say. There would be no way I could sleep at night anywhere near a person like this.

And she drew a pair of scissors on you.......

As to jewelry, it's a gift and not part of the marital assets, so it's all hers.

IMO, cut and run. There are times to R and there are times you just pack up and disappear in the middle of the night and this is one of them.


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## My_2nd_Rodeo (Nov 20, 2012)

Hi all, 

The holidays are over... I survived, albeit severely depressed. 

I met her IC a few weeks ago; where I spent an hour laying this all out (I even printed out an info packet I created for him, basically stuff in this thread and other stuff). He knows that I pretty much want out, but I want to help her in the process & avoid a crazy D.

I want exit MC - she wants an R (but I don't think her mind knows what an R is or even what marital love is).

I'm at the point where I really want out, each day that passes, the more I realize she is too big a risk to take with the rest of my life (hopefully 50-60 years left on my ticker). For pete's sake, her IC sessions are about baby-stepping how to clean her side of the room. When it comes to choirs, she was "never taught how to do that growing up." So frustrating, sad, and a mix of bullcrap.

She's been doing IC. We went to a MC session with her IC counselor a few days ago - he's already now pushing 10 MC sessions... that's 4-5 months and $1K out of my pocket. I said I'd like to take it one session at a time every two weeks to giver her a chance to improve in between MC sessions. He made me agree to hold off on any more D talks for the next 2 weeks and to push myself to be affectionate. 

He made her agree to stop hounding me every minute about: "Do you love me?","Do you really want a D?", "Don't you think we were meant to be together?"... etc. Needless to say, she broke her agreement a few hours after the session.

For the next 2 weeks, she is going to work with her IC on how to 1) clean her side of the bedroom and 2) create a budget for herself (control her spending and payback all the people she owes money to). 

*I'm going to get my bonus in two weeks, I am really tempted to send her an email (evidence) that I want a divorce before that bonus comes. However, I know that email will cause untold damage if I send it. My bonus is quite large and could pay for 2 years of her basic living expenses - which I was hoping to offer up as a D settlement.* Any advice?

Oh, and yes. She said that she is going to lawyer up to contest the D - I tried to explain that lawyers would just wipe out money I could otherwise give her... I think that sunk it a little bit. Her IC ask her if she wanted to force me to stay, even if I didn't love her... point blank, she said yes.


Then she started setting up apartment tours. I knew about it, but she came to me and told me on her own. She asked me if she should check out apartments, I told her that would be prudent... why not plan ahead in case things don't work out.

Well, today she had those appointments and ditched all of them.

I want out, I just feel so horrible about leaving her.

PS - she only tried to slap me once a few weeks ago, since then no violence.

PPS - my mom, who wants me to bail so desperately, appreciates that I'm trying to ease out of the marriage. She wishes she tried that - she ponders whether my dad would be alive today if she had done so.


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## JMGrey (Dec 19, 2012)

My_2nd_Rodeo said:


> Hi all,
> 
> The holidays are over... I survived, albeit severely depressed.
> 
> ...


I'm late to this party but I'll add my own thoughts here. The person most directly responsible for your situation is you. How many warnings did you get and how many did you ignore? Even disregarding severe mental disorder, which you obviously are not prepared to handle from a clinical point of view, you married someone that not only does not share your faith (and by extension your principles), but openly maligned them during what was, for you a one of the most solemn moments a person can have.

You admit that you ignored blatant EAs, and obviously did not demand immediate NC with any and all FaceBook contacts when you determined that was her avenue of arranging her affairs. You have systematically shot yourself in the foot at every, single turn.

I don't know any other way to say it but that this woman is poison and I don't know how you'll stay with her without ending up just as broken. She does not respect, much less hold sanctity, for anything that is important to you. A marriage without common respect and a common set of principles, is one that is most likely doomed to failure and, coupled with her mental problems, in the most horrifically spectacular fashion possible. You clearly have the opportunity to get out of this very soon. I'd advise you to take it, immediately.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

The cheating is the last of the problems here.
She can - literaly - backstab him any given day.
The average 10 years old is more mature than her, only she's very dangerous.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

I think infidelity is the least of your problems with your wife. Please be safe


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

Keep on keeping on, Rodeo.

I think you are proceeding through the divorce process as well as you can with this nutcase wife. After all, you do want to come out of this alive and in one piece. Baby steps. But you definitely need to file. I'm not sure why the counselor said to wait...unless he's concerned for your safety?

Why is he pushing you to be affectionate? Doesn't he know you want a D? I'm a little confused.

You have more patience than me, that's for sure. 

Once it's all said and done, and the D is finalized, you definitely need to go complete NC with her. In fact, maybe you should plan on moving from the area (if your job would allow it.) You need physical distance from her. Go into hiding. The last thing you need is for her to harass you for the next several years, begging you to take her back, interfering with any new relationship, etc.

BTW, I wouldn't put too much stock in her threat to lawyer up and contest the D.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

MC is tryung to milk that cow as long as he can.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Before you offer anything up in a divorce you need to find out how your state handles support and division of assets. 

What does she thing contesting the divorce will do? It will not stop the divorce. One thing you might want to tell her is that you more that is spent on attorneys, the less she will get in a settlement.


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## HappyHubby (Aug 16, 2012)

Why don't you have evidence of her violent behavior? Do you? you should have recorded it. Have those recorders on hand and tell her you are divorcing for sure. She'll go nuts, lose control and attack you again. record it. Defend yourself as necessary.. or are you actually weaker than her? Have a friend over that you trust waiting in the background. This isn't a woman. It's a demon. and this demon has your mind body and soul. Divorce her now!


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## HappyHubby (Aug 16, 2012)

And if you have evidence of abuse how would the settlement go then? Could you get all money if you wanted to? would the process be sped up?


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Its too bad that "friend" did not just steal her away from you.
Tell here god told you in a dream that THEY were meant to be together.

No not serious, but I hope you can extrcate yourself with as little drama as possible. What a nightmare.


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## notperfectanymore (Mar 1, 2012)

My_2nd_Rodeo said:


> Hi all,
> 
> I want out, I just feel so horrible about leaving her.
> 
> ...


Ok, I have had time to read your thread, and it seems as though some "harsh" comments actually get thru to you...I'm taking a risk here, but am VERY worried about your safety so...

SHE AIN'T YOUR MOMMA AND YOU CANNOT FIX HER!!! IT IS NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY TO FIX HER!! IT WAS NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY AS A CHILD TO SAVE YOUR MOMMA!!!

Please please please put the proper protection in place for your safety and LEAVE THIS WOMAN!!! You deserve SO MUCH better...I promise...please keep us posted...


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

JMGrey said:


> The person most directly responsible for your situation is you.


Amen.

The things she's done are not symptomatic of how sick she is. It is symptomatic of how sick the *Rodeo* is. A healthy, normal person would not marry someone so whacked out.

I noticed, *Rodeo*, that you did not answer the question about what disorder you have. You can't fix her. The only thing you can fix is you. Starting a thread with "can't get out" in the title is actually the whole problem - the inability to bring yourself to leave her despite how crazy and dangerous she is.

I can't say, but there is some kind of neurosis/codependency going on. The literature is repleat with intelligent, professional people ground into dust by obsessively focusing on them, them, them (the crazy person) instead of the obvious problem in the neurotic or codependent who has the power to fix themselves and leave... but won't.

For a brief moment you addressed this when you said your counselor asked you to consider why you attract these kinds of people. I had the same problem. I got my lifetime problem of being prey to manipulative people fixed by recognizing that I had a problem. My radar was dysfunctional and I was too naiive, trusting, and kind. Too willing to be a fixer. To sacrifice self. I learned to stop fixating on what they were doing to me or to try making them "see" that what they were doing is wrong. 

Consequently I have a wonderful wife and family now. Beyond belief really. People criticize for having a wife so much younger and beautiful who knocks herself out for me. Well screw that - they're trying to tell me I'd be better off with an ex-wife who was abusive, older, uglier, etc.  No thanks, I'm not crazy. It was fixing crazy that got me this.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

My_2nd_Rodeo said:


> *I'm going to get my bonus in two weeks, I am really tempted to send her an email (evidence) that I want a divorce before that bonus comes. However, I know that email will cause untold damage if I send it. My bonus is quite large and could pay for 2 years of her basic living expenses - which I was hoping to offer up as a D settlement.* Any advice?


If that's what you want to do, do it. Don't stay out of guilt. Maybe living apart, she could learn to become self-sufficient.


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## My_2nd_Rodeo (Nov 20, 2012)

*Re: Re: Abused husband can’t get out – craziness even extends to DW accuses OM of [email protected]*



Wiserforit said:


> Amen.
> 
> The things she's done are not symptomatic of how sick she is. It is symptomatic of how sick the *Rodeo* is. A healthy, normal person would not marry someone so whacked out.
> 
> ...


Awesome post. I went dark to work on me.

Oh, inconclusive diagnosis on me, I asked- in several sessions - the external stresses overshadowed and made it hard to assess.


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## My_2nd_Rodeo (Nov 20, 2012)

Thank you all sooooooo much, all the papers are in and Im only a few weeks away from a formal
Divorce decree.

Much drama during the divorce, but I NEVER waffled, thanks to these posts. I feel soo liberated. It's terrible to celebrate divorce, but... I go to my mailbox each day now like a kid on christmas morning, hoping for the state decree to be in there. 

TAM saved one here.


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## helpandadvice (Sep 13, 2013)

I am not going to even read all of your post. I read the first couple paragraphs and my advice is easy ... get the f out. You deserve much better. If you had kids it might be different, but get out now while you can. You sound like me not being able to pick a healthy partner, except I have 3 little girls.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

helpandadvice said:


> I am not going to even read all of your post. I read the first couple paragraphs and my advice is easy ... get the f out. You deserve much better. If you had kids it might be different, but get out now while you can. You sound like me not being able to pick a healthy partner, except I have 3 little girls.


Look at the two posts above yours. His divorce will be final any day now.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

My_2nd_Rodeo said:


> Thank you all sooooooo much, all the papers are in and Im only a few weeks away from a formal
> Divorce decree.
> 
> Much drama during the divorce, but I NEVER waffled, thanks to these posts. I feel soo liberated. It's terrible to celebrate divorce, but... I go to my mailbox each day now like a kid on christmas morning, hoping for the state decree to be in there.
> ...


Under the circumstances, no it's not terrible to celebrate a divorce. Have a party. You are free. You get another chance at life.


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Under the circumstances, no it's not terrible to celebrate a divorce. Have a party. You are free. You get another chance at life.


:iagree:

And don't get married so damn quickly next time!

Top tip, If she shows _any_ signs of being bat**** crazy, and I mean any, walk away. You won't be able to fix her.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You might want to post her up on cheaterville.com as a warning to the next victim.


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## Want2babettrme (May 17, 2013)

Glad you are getting away from this dangerous WW.


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## My_2nd_Rodeo (Nov 20, 2012)

*Re: Re: Abused husband can’t get out – craziness even extends to DW accuses OM of [email protected]*



Shaggy said:


> You might want to post her up on cheaterville.com as a warning to the next victim.


Understand, but they are on their own... I can endure no more wrath from that woman... and she would flip out if she found out.

Plus the next sucker makes my monthly alimony checks disappear...


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## My_2nd_Rodeo (Nov 20, 2012)

*Re: Re: Abused husband can’t get out – craziness even extends to DW accuses OM of [email protected]*



WyshIknew said:


> :iagree:
> 
> And don't get married so damn quickly next time!
> 
> Top tip, If she shows _any_ signs of being bat**** crazy, and I mean any, walk away. You won't be able to fix her.


Yep, not happening - that lesson is seared into me.


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

Racer said:


> That was just the intro to a 2 year old marriage theoretically in the "honeymoon phase"? RUN!!!! *Fake your death or whatever. * Hell, convince her you are really a ghost. Just get away without getting you or family members killed in the process.


This is the most astounding piece of advice I've ever read on here. Strangely, it's not even out of proportion for the situation you were in.

Glad you managed to extract yourself, OP


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