# Need some advice...



## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

I need some advice. Admittedly, we have spoiled our children. Because we love them and we want them happy. But I think its created some problems. I have a 11 year old daughter and 5 year old son. By way of background, my H and I have had some marital issues over the last year and a half. I won't get in the details about that but my H had an affair with their babysitter and on top of that was not himself. For a brief period of time before I discovered the affair he was pretty angry and just not around (later he said this was due to guilt and not knowing how or if he could fix what he was tearing apart). We have reconciled and he is very committed to being not only a good father but good husband. I struggle with the betrayal and have my ups and downs which hurts everyone. I am pretty sure they have no idea about the affair but kids sense when there are issues. 

I'm sure all that plays a part in this but long before this these issues started. 

My daughter will work very hard at getting out of doing chores, even working harder at hiding the fact that she did not do them. She is in competition cheer which is very expensive, has a cell phone, and we're always giving her money for birthday parties and whenever she goes out with friends. We don't currently do an allowance because of the above but we do expect her to do some chores: Daily: Feed/water cats & dogs, daily sweep/scoop cat box, pick up her room and bathroom, and when not in school do the dishes after dinner. Weekly: clean her own bathroom and a couple days a week pick up the doggie doo. I dont' think its too much???

Problem is she is a horrible slob. We trip over her shoes and backpack walking in front door. You find pins and clips everywhere and when you ask her if her room is clean she says yes and while I can see she did clean somewhat it still looks as if a small tornado hit it. Now I know some of you can identify with this but you seriously have not seen how bad of a slob she really can be! 

I have to remind her about hygiene. She does not shower regularly without us telling her to and same with brushing her teeth. I feel like I have to babysit her. 

My son is 5. He is very clean, hygiene no issue. He gets dirty but likes to get clean. He just doesn't listen. He does struggle with some health issues (hypoglycemia and food allergies) and we carefully manage his diet as we see huge improvements in behavior when we do. He just plain does not listen. He CAN. Is not a disability. He just doesn't want to. Case in point. He spent a week up in a cabin with his daddy who was doing a remodel. My son was so well behaved that he was actually a help to my husband. He would ask him one time, to do something and done! Although it helped he spent lots of time running around outside. I work from home and sometimes he will be here (he's regularly in daycare) and its nearly impossible to work. He will end up fighting with his sister, making noise in my office, jumping on my furniture, and generally wrecking havoc in the house. 

I am trying to find ways to positively reinforce good behavior but also manage the bad behaviors. I have tried grounding my daughter, she's lost out on sleep overs, parties, and one time even a talent show the day of the show for not doing her chores. We give many many warnings. I was so shocked she didn't do her chores when told she'd miss the talent show, she'd practiced for months for. She was devastated but still didn't seem to learn. My son only seems to listen to me when I say it 4times, and usually end up yelling. 

Help! Any advice would be very much appreciated.


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## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

Our daughters must be twins seperated at birth! She is 11 and the same way...almost down to her exact chores  and we have the same problem. I have to remind her everyday to do them...and then she doesn't do them completely. She puts up dishes from the dishwasher that are dirty because she just doesn't look...in to big of a hurry. We've tried grounding, removal of TV from her room, none of it works. We too buy her whatever she wants most of the time...but we are seriously thinking about switching to an allowance tied to chores. x dollars for this chore and y dollars for that. In order to get it you have to complete the chore CORRECTLY, and she starts buying things that she wants (but doesn't need).

If anyone else has any ideas, I could use some advice as well.


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## JDPreacher (Feb 27, 2009)

My oldest daughter is 15 and is a slob...when she does dishes we are constantly finding them unclean...she does shower and take care of herself, even though she dresses like a clown at times. But for the most part she is an absolute slob...two weeks into a new house and her room, well, you can't walk on the floor from the clothes and papers and God knows what else.

My oldest son in almost 17 and is meticulous as can be...very organized, very tidy...

I'm somewhat in the middle, I'm not a slob but I'm not anal about everything either. I do like a clean house and my kids to be respectful and help out.

Much like your daughter, mine has the responsibility to clean up after and tend to the cat...and many a time the cat has come to me meowing and giving me hell because he is out of water or food and God forbid the cat doesn't have food!

I've tried paying her, punishing her by grounding her, cleaning her room myself...threatening to throw away anything that was on the floor...nothing seems to help.

So, for the sake of my own sanity and my blood pressure...I'm taking one of my psych professors advice...if she wants to keep her room a mess, then let her, she has to live in it, not us. Keep the door closed...especially if company comes over.

Since she doesn't go out of her way to help us in the house, we don't go out of our way to help her with anything she might need like a ride to a friends house or something special from the store. Those things have to be earned...so if she says "dad, I need or want this" my response is always, well did you do this or that in order to earn what you need?

One other thing to try is a bonus board...if you know something she really wants or wants to do...the put it as the end prize on a bonus board and make a list of things that need to be accomplished before she gets the bonus. If she doesn't complete them...she doesn't get the bonus. Whether it's something simple like her favorite dinner or a new toy, hell, even an IPOD for Christmas...it gives her something to work toward.

Preacher


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## LaBella (Mar 9, 2009)

A little while ago I read a post from somebody here about how to discipline kids, and she gave a website called *Loveandlogic.com *which has great ideas to help us deal with kids issues like the one you have right now. Check it out, it could have a good solution to your problem.

I have 2 girls, one is 15 and one is 10 (11 on Tuesday), they both keep their rooms somewhat clean, and my oldest has to clean their bathroom. My H is very anal about cleaning, so we do not have those problems. But with kids I have learn that you hit them where it hurts. We have taken the cell phones away, and for a 15 year with no phone to text is the worse that their can be, we have not allowed them to go to parties, sleepovers, etc. not even out to play with the neighbors. Mostly the 15 years old, the 11 yo is very good at helping and cleaning.

My oldest forgot to turn in a homework once (about 4th grade), a calendar for exercise that PE was doing that year. All she had to do was fill it with 2 1/2hours of exercise a week. She was doing Dance Competition and spent 20 hours a week at the studio, she had an A++ for that. I found the calendar a week after due date, got mad at her, told her that better late than ever to turn it in anyways so she would not have an F. She did not, I found it cleaning her backpack about 2 weeks after that, she got grounded for a month for that stunt, needless to say she has not done an stunt like that to get grounded for that amount of time ever again, she has done little things to cause her stay way from a party and the cell phone taken away for a few days, but those are things that any teenager would do.

My youngest learn her lesson very young too (about 6). We went to Nationals for a Dance Competitions when we came back the clothes were clean, just to put away. I left them on the beds told them to put it away, my youngest decided she was going to fix her drawers:rofl: Well she took everything out trew it on the floor and 20 minutes later told me she was too tired to fix it. At that point I really did not care, told her to just trow all the clothes back on the drawers, "we will fix them another day", but she refuse. I warned her that as soon as the kids see our car on the driveway, they will come knocking and if the clothes was not put away she would not go out to play and when Daddy came back from work was going to be very mad at her, to just do it, she wanted me to fix it for her, and I refuse, she had to clean her own mess. My oldest having learnt her lesson a few years prior :rofl: told her to do it, well she refuse. Time came to go outside and she had to watch the fun from the window, I was told that I was the worst Mommy in the world. When daddy came home she was watching a movie, he unplugged the TV and told her to fix it right now or he was going, for the first time and our lives, to use a belt on her. She cried but ended it up doing it and ground it for a few days. After that she has never done anything to caused her to be ground it, or priviledges taking away. 

They have to earn the money/priviledges they want. And they know that when they come and ask "Mom/Dad can I go to.... I need to buy.... our answer will be is your room clean the way we like it, did you do what we asked you to do, did you clean... did you walk the dog... and in general they are very good. Thank God.

Good Luck


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

Well I have there kids, 11, 9 and 6... yep all three fit the slob, same issues.

I have devised a plan.... a point system + and -

They get 5 points for an A on their report card, 3 points for a B no points for a C -3+ punishment for a D and a -5 and punishment for a F.

I listed all kinds of chores, weekly and daily...different point values for each.

+3 taking out the garbage
+5 for cleaning up the dog poop.

there are also negative values...

such as
-5 for hitting a sibling,
-5 for ignoring a parent command. 

you get the idea....they are listed on the fridge, The parents keep a running total for the week and they get 

$5 for 5-10 points
$10 for 10-15 points
$15 for 15-20 points
anything over 20 points for that week gets $20

My daughter just bought her own computer for $1000 with the money she has earned, I do not hand them the money it goes into a account in their name, they get a statement when the bank sends it out to our homes.

Sometimes they need to be reminded of the rules. No friends come over if thier room is messy, etc.


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