# Divorce for love or stay and be content?



## knightquest (Apr 11, 2014)

Hi,
I'm a married women of almost 5 years. My husband and I know each other since our college days almost 13 years ago. We live peacefully together and quite content. He is my best friend and my confidante in everything except one - my affair. 4 years ago I met a man at my temporarily job during my graduate school days. He shows interest but I eluded him and just keep a friendly relationship/conversation. Even though i'm already married then, no one know that fact. I haven't any intention of finding attention from the opposite sex but for some reason I was ashamed to admit that I am. To me the idea was surreal, I didn't feel like I was willing though it was free-will that I accepted to walk down that aisle. After a year of eluding, we became closer friends. I told him of my husband, but I only said we are engaged not married. My husband saw a few text/email from me to him and he confronted me about it. I told him nothing happen and that he is a friend. My husband warned me not to hang out exclusively with any male friends but in a group is a ok. I agreed but didn't actually didn't listen. thinking I have fancy thoughts in my head and want some loving attention, my husband takes me on mini-trips and being really nice to me like when we first dated. I know he is really good to me and love me. I have no thoughts of cheating on him. But then one day, my 'friend' got brave and kissed me. That first kiss changed everything. For the first time in my life, I felt passion. Months later we had an affair. 

When I know I'm falling in love with him, I tried to stay away. I tried ended this relationship many times, each time I came back to my husband try to make my marriage work, I tried to have some passionate feeling with my husband and each time I ended up contacting him again because I can't stop thinking about him. My husband has never elicit any of the feelings I have as I was wit him, no matter how much I try to replicate, explain, advice on what make me happy. So, I told my lover I want to have his kids. In my mind I want to be with him and at the same time I want to use this as an excuse to end my marriage. Being responsible, he told me to wait until we are married. He asked me get my affair in order with my fiance and join him on a trip to finalize our relationship. In panic, I ended our relationship. That night I went home to my husband and I got pregnant. I thought it was my lover's, was so very happy. I waited the result only to find out it wasn't. I was sad. That is when my lover found out I was married. I didn't volunteer the information, but through probing and clever questioning, I didn't deny. He was devastated. We are friends during my pregnancy and even after my son was born. I know we won't be together so I stayed away from him physically. I know we won't be together so I stayed away from him physically. I keep in contact bc communicating with him the only reason I was able to keep sane. I feel guilty for not able to focus on my newborn baby, my husband and my family but I can't think about anyone but him. While I live my life, taking care of my kid, any spare moments I have I would dwell in depression. Unless I get some communication from him, I can't function. I was a woman without a soul. Everyone notice that fact but thought it was a post-partum depression. I was so happy when he says he forgave me and love me still. I do my duty as a wife and now pregnant again with my second child. I told him i love him too and I only love him. I also tell him the truth about my condition. He is devastated. He says he is waiting for me, and unless I make a decision, we won't be together. His patient is wearing thin. He wants to build a life with me though knowing i lied to him and have 2 kids that are not his. I told him i will get a divorce, I planned to do so 2 months ago. The problem is I haven't a courage to start it. My husband is extremely good to me. He takes care of our son, he does everything for me so I'm stress free to have a healthy baby. He takes care of me extremely well. I know he loves me very much. Seeing that I don't have the heart to trash his love, his life. At the same time I want love and be love by the person I love. With my husband, he gives me respect (well until this truth reveal), love, shelter and a comfort home. I can only guaranteed love and respect from my lover. I will lose respect socially. My love is strong enough that I can throw everything I have in my life for him and start anew. I feel selfish for wanting that. I'm also think of my children and family. My children will not fully get the life that they should have with their biological parents and they will eventually suffer emotionally in some way or another when grows up. Then there is my family, they are strongly devoted Catholic and divorce is unheard of in my family. I will shame them and will be disown for following my heart. What should I do? Stay and keep this secret or go and start the divorce? Please help.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Act like an adult. Tell your husband the truth... that you are no longer attracted to him and you no longer love him. You love someone else. 

Because that is the truth no matter how much you try to dress it. 
You may respect him, you may admire him, but you don't really love him.

Give him everything in the divorce and take nothing for yourself except your personal property. 

Do not trash your husband to your friends and family. Tell them the truth why you are ending the marriage... because you are having an affair. 

Your relationship with this other man is infatuation disguised as love. If it were love, he would want you to not be an adulteress and he would value you enough to insist you stay with your husband. 

He wants you for sex and a good time. When he has had his fill of you he will dump you, or cheat on you. 

Either way, you do not have what it takes to be a good wife for any man until you grow up. Be the best mom you can be, but set your husband free and let him find a woman who will lust after him, honor her vows, care for him and love him.


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## mishu143 (Jun 20, 2011)

:iagree:


bandit.45 said:


> Act like an adult. Tell your husband the truth... that you are no longer attracted to him and you no longer love him. You love someone else.
> 
> Because that is the truth no matter how much you try to dress it.
> You may respect him, you may admire him, but you don't really love him.
> ...


:iagree: 100%


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

You're already trashing your husband's love, every time you communicate with your deadbeat lover. What sort of man actively pursues a relationship with another man's "fiance". 

Your poor husband and children 

You and your lover deserve each other.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It seems that for the last few years you have been fabricating drama. Why? You need to get help for depression and into therapy.

You have already ruined your marriage. What a terrible thing to do to a man who is a good and loving husband.

The affair relationship if a dead thing... it already is. This guy is not going to marry you. What does he do when you are with your husband and having children? Do you really think that he's not with some other woman?


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## tainted (Aug 16, 2013)

You're so deep in the fog. You're more honest with your lover then your husband. If you're too chicken to get a divorce just tell your husband about your affair, i'm sure he'll do the right thing and leave you.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

"You're already trashing your husband's love, every time you communicate with your deadbeat lover. What sort of man actively pursues a relationship with another man's "fiance"."

A useless, immoral piece of s**t....that's the type of man who does this sort of thing.

OP...this is what you have thrown your M, your family, and your dignity away for.

Tell your BH so he can D you and move on with a woman who understands loyalty and honesty.

You had SO MANY chances to prevent this debacle from happening and just blew through every 'red light' because of your selfishness.

Give your BH the truth...at least let him regain his dignity as a man by ending the M with you.

I'm sure he already suspects...especially since you admit he already questioned you about this POS. (one if the many opportunities you had to finally start acting like an honest and loyal wife, but then proceeded to ignore)


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