# Friendship or affair?



## concernedwife (Jul 26, 2011)

I did have this posted in general but have moved it over to this section as the more I think about it the more concerned I am getting. 

My husband and I have been together 14 years, married for 12 and we have 3 kids. We have been through alot together including losing a child a few years ago. I find that we don't get to spend too much alone time together but we do try to make the effort to support each other and communicate as much as we can. 
Recently he has seemed a little off now and then but nothing too out of the ordinary. He has been spending a little more time on his phone than usual and some nights he is up late. This isn't too unusual for the nature of his job as he works when the kids are in bed. 
The other night my son was playing with my husbands phone when I took it off him as it was time for bed. The messages screen was open and I noticed some messgaes from a number I didn't recognise. It was only talking about a sporting match so I just figured it was one of the guys he was talking too. 
The same thing happened the next night and while he was putting the kids to bed I had another look in his messages and also his emails on his phone. 
The phone number belongs to another woman that he seems to have been emailing for weeks. As far as I could see there would have to be 50 emails or more from this woman. Some of it was harmless talk but some of it was what I consider to be flirting. I had to get a closer look so when he went to bed I got up and went through his phone again. 
Over the past few weeks they have gone from 1-2 emails every few days to 10 emails a day. He has complimented her on her looks and she has told him he is handsome. To which he just responded "thanks for the compliment" and made a joke. He has actually sent her old pictures of himself when he was younger.. showing her what he was like in his 'prime'. He responds to her emails within minutes of getting them and the conversations last all day. 
She actually enquires about the kids and me and how we are all doing as he seems to have told her EVERYTHING about our lives, including the loss of our child. He told her that she is "wonderful" for talking to him about it. But when she asks about us he just ignores it or glosses over it. 
He emails her from home, from work, at night, early in the morning. I can only gather he is seeing her semi-reguarly as some emails make references to discussions they have had. They both seem to email as often as each other.... what do I do about this? I am worried just as he hasn't mentioned her to me. 
Are they just friends? He doesn't have too many people to talk too aside from family so I don't want to overreact if he just needs a mate.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

It's the beginning of an Emotional Affair (EA) at the very least. Secrecy is the vital component, and he's already confiding in her the most intimate details of your married life. Those are already 2 red flags. You can probably count in the emotional and physical withdrawal from you. You may want to look further into this.

http://how-to-save-marriage.org/emotional-affair-signs/


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Sounds an awful lot like the start of my EA. Not to scare you but I went from "Hi" with my affair partner to being involved in a full on EA in about two weeks. Once it starts it will go fast. Mine was with an old flame I hadn't heard from in 20 years which contributed to the speed. I'd keep a very sharp eye on this, is he on facebook?


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## concernedwife (Jul 26, 2011)

He is on facebook as well as other sites. He doesn't use it all that often but she is connected to him on at least two sites that I can see. Then there is the emails and text messages (that have only just started).


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Facebook - I knew it. Facebook was my preferred way to communicate with my AP by far. The other isn't skype is it? Do you have access to his email accounts, and social media accounts? If so, do you still? All of my passwords changed once my EA started.


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## concernedwife (Jul 26, 2011)

I am really sick at the moment and we are fighting. A lot. He has been emailing her, telling her about our issues and confiding in her. 
I can't log into his private email account anymore or any of his networking sites. The only reason I know they have been emailing is because I checked his phone again.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

I'm so sorry. I really hoped mayhem and I weren't right, but odds were against it. You need to take swift and decisive action to let him know you will not accept this or live with a third person in your marriage. I'll defer to the betrayed spouses here on the best ways to do that. 

Affairs are very very hard to kill and it is very difficult to get the cheater out of "the fog". Unfortunately, you will have two hard jobs to do. First to get him to pull his head out of his [email protected]@ and leave the affair completely, and then to begin recovery for you, him, and the marriage - if that's what you both want when you get to that point. 

The good news is it can be done. My wife and I are better now than we were before my EA. 

Best of luck. There's lots of good advice and support here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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