# Ex girlfriend texting my husband



## Fleetwood (Aug 16, 2021)

I have been married for 6 months. About a month after I got married, my husband informed me he was watching his ex’s 2 dogs, for a week.(we didn’t live together til, we were married for almost 2 months, I was living in a different city still, a hour away). Apparently, he was close to these dogs, when they were together. I thought it was a little different, but went along with it. I was a little upset, that these dogs were never mentioned prior. Now, that we are living together, she still texts him, wanting to know if he wants to see the dogs. Sometimes, she asks for 2 or 3 days, sometimes just for the day. She lives 2 hours away, so it’s when she is passing through, or going out of town. I have voiced my opinion to my husband, that I don’t mind if it’s occasionally for the day, but nothing longer. We have 4 dogs of our own. I asked him if he told her that it can only be for the day, he said he did. I said, you are married now, and need boundaries. He agreed. Well, I happened to have his phone the other day(mine was dead), and see she had texted. Asking about watching the dogs in September and October for three days, each time. I feel very frustrated and upset. I feel my husband is not setting up a boundary with her and obviously she doesn’t care he is a married man. I know my husband loves me, but I don’t understand why she won’t leave us alone. She asks him about watching these dogs, like I am not here. There conversations are only about the dogs. However, she did ask my husband for a second chance, right before we met, he said, no. Maybe I am upset over nothing, but feel disrespected and disappointed in the situation. Any advice would be appreciated!


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

This should have been nipped in the bud before you & your husband got engaged. The boundary has been set without your knowledge: he watches the dogs. If that is all they talk about just deal with the dogs provided they get along with your dogs. If the conversations are more flirtatious, then you have a problem At that point, for the sake of your marriage, he has to stop talking to her at all about anything 

It is odd but the couple across the street made it work. When they were 1st married, he still watched his EX-W's dog periodically. I don't know for sure but I assumed that involved communication. Eventually the dog passed & the communication ended.  I don't hear about the EX any more except for the occasional story about the dog. My neighbors have been married for almost 15 years.


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## nekonamida (Feb 21, 2017)

She keeps asking because he keeps saying yes to her. She isn't the one that married you. Your husband needs to be the one to say no or better yet - let her go entirely and stop talking to her.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

You have her number. Text her and tell her that you can no longer accommodate her dogs. Let the chips fall where they may - it's better to find out where your husband stands now than later.


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

Put a stop to it ASAP. His ex is using the dogs to stay in touch with your husband. If your husband takes his wedding vows seriously...and hopefully he does...he will cut off all contact immediately. Sure you can contact the ex herself, but you shouldn't have to. If your husband loves you and cares for you, he wouldn't want to continue hurting you by keeping in contact with the ex. 

Would you put up with him watching a female co-worker's dogs and texting her? Of course not. And this is much worse since they had a prior relationship and were intimate.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

It’s a tool to keep contact so she can fish for your husband. Don’t be gaslit when he says it’s just because he likes the dogs. He likes her contact also or he’d stop it. No room whatsoever in a marriage for exes. 
I’d come down hard on this if I were you.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You have a choice. Be a chump or not. Your H is the problem here. Not his x.


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## NTA (Mar 28, 2021)

One thing I learned from my first marriage is that it is better to get involved and do things for yourself. Your h will either do the right thing and cut ties with her or divorce you.

Do you feel as if he puts her first, ie change plans to suit her needs; or due to prior plans to watch the dogs, he won't change like visiting the hospital for a parent or attending an event of close friends.....
Does he expect you to clean up after the dogs; spend the household budget on dog food for her dogs.....

If you do take this mater in hand, a couple of things to remember: Do not ever agree that this is about "your being jealous of the close friendship your h and she has." Of course, not. If she starts mentioning incidents just say "what is that supposed to prove."
or, there's the less accusatory assertion "you just don't want to help with the dogs." Ask her "And what your point is?"

Things you could do is make him late for receiving the dogs. Scheduling things about the same time. Once the ex has left after dropping off the dog, go do your own errands. Get dates mixed up. Any items that she brings over, make sure they mysteriously. Start asking about her husband and wonder why he doesn't come over. Try to be as sweet as possible at every turn. You may think of more.


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## Nailhead (Sep 21, 2020)

Fleetwood said:


> I have been married for 6 months. About a month after I got married, my husband informed me he was watching his ex’s 2 dogs, for a week.(we didn’t live together til, we were married for almost 2 months, I was living in a different city still, a hour away). Apparently, he was close to these dogs, when they were together. I thought it was a little different, but went along with it. I was a little upset, that these dogs were never mentioned prior. Now, that we are living together, she still texts him, wanting to know if he wants to see the dogs. Sometimes, she asks for 2 or 3 days, sometimes just for the day. She lives 2 hours away, so it’s when she is passing through, or going out of town. I have voiced my opinion to my husband, that I don’t mind if it’s occasionally for the day, but nothing longer. We have 4 dogs of our own. I asked him if he told her that it can only be for the day, he said he did. I said, you are married now, and need boundaries. He agreed. Well, I happened to have his phone the other day(mine was dead), and see she had texted. Asking about watching the dogs in September and October for three days, each time. I feel very frustrated and upset. I feel my husband is not setting up a boundary with her and obviously she doesn’t care he is a married man. I know my husband loves me, but I don’t understand why she won’t leave us alone. She asks him about watching these dogs, like I am not here. There conversations are only about the dogs. However, she did ask my husband for a second chance, right before we met, he said, no. Maybe I am upset over nothing, but feel disrespected and disappointed in the situation. Any advice would be appreciated!



They are called x for a darn reason. It is time to enforce the boundaries.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

why do people become ex if they are going to keep running around after each other


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## NTA (Mar 28, 2021)

For women, it could be that they "qualify as marriage material" but he's not as hot as all the bad boys. A woman will try to get the guy to accept "friendship" as way to keep her options open.

A guy is trying to keep his source for sex around until he finds a better option.

Some people just like the feeling that they can manipulate someone. Piss off the "friend's partner." According to narcissistic boards, the satisfaction that someone gets from successfully baiting others is called "supply." Some people really get off on making a couple argue because of them.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

She may trust him with her dogs, but you can't trust her, and he does need to nip it since he knows she's after him still. He will reason that if he wanted to be with her, he wouldn't be with you, but the fact is, and you can tell him this, it's too convenient to have a willing woman waiting in the wings for him to go have sex with right after you two argue or you turn him down for sex or are preoccupied with a baby.

So he needs to totally cut her off here in a way that pisses her off so she moves on and isn't still ready and waiting.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

DownByTheRiver said:


> She may trust him with her does, but you can't trust her, and he does need to nip it since he knows she's after him still. He will reason that if he wanted to be with her, he wouldn't be with you, but the fact is, and you can tell him this, it's too convenient to have a willing woman waiting in the wings for him to go have sex with right after you two argue or you turn him down for sex or are preoccupied with a baby.
> 
> So he needs to totally cut her off here in a way that pisses her off so she moves on and isn't still ready and waiting.


Excellent truth here


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

Fleetwood said:


> Well, I happened to have his phone the other day(mine was dead), and see she had texted. Asking about watching the dogs in September and October for three days, each time. I feel very frustrated and upset. I feel my husband is not setting up a boundary with her and obviously she doesn’t care he is a married man.


What was his response to her text about watching the dogs for all of those days? Did he say he can't, did he say he needs to discuss it with you, or did he say yes? That would change my response to him. It sounds like she's using the dogs to weasel herself in somehow, any way she can. Which means, she does not respect you. You should be articulating this to your husband until he gets it. I'd say nag, but that's such a generalization to women. Find a way to get that point across to him. Do not allow him to gaslight you or deny her feelings for him. Make sure there are consequences if he violates boundaries.


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

I would back up a bit and talk more generally about boundaries with your new husband. Tell him that the ex and dogs got you thinking about this issue, and you've read a bit on boundaries in relationships. If boundaries are new to him, you should stick to the concept in general for the first conversation. Learn about the purpose together, brainstorm what kind of marriage you want to have. 
Then later you can discuss the application of boundaries in your relationship.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

They're dogs, not kids.
He has dogs of his own at home.
She's his ex, not his current.

There is absolutely no reason for him to remain in contact with her. At all.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Nope. I'd have responded then and there "This is wife, we can no longer have your dogs at our place, please find alternative arrangements in future".


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## NTA (Mar 28, 2021)

Who cleans up after the dogs?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Some people call them dogs, other people call them pawns for contacting and interacting with their taken exes.

edit: tell your husband you’d like to be with him when the dogs are picked up and when they’re returned. I’ll bet my blue bell ice cream that suddenly the dogsitting requests stop coming. Make sure you go in with him to collect the doggies, and make sure along with a friendly smile, you give the most psycho-piercing-laser beam-shooting stare you can muster to the ex.

There’s no explanation that’s satisfactory that your husband can make that gives him need to be Alone with his ex when exchanging doggies- and he knows it.

problem solved.😋


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## NTA (Mar 28, 2021)

I agree with @Evinrude58 with accompanying your husband for the exchange. But I would say at the last minute "I can come and help you."

You don't want to appear as if you're looking for a confrontation. And it's better to catch them by surprise.


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## texbr (Aug 18, 2021)

I am sorry to hear about this situation and surprisingly enough I have actually heard of this happening to people a few times. I knew someone who looked after their ex's dog and I always found it quite odd. A few things:

1, I actually don't think you should try and take control of the situation and text her. She is your husbands ex not yours, and in my opinion he needs to be the one to set the boundary and tell her straight.

2. What are his replies to these texts when she is asking to look after them? What is his tone like?

3. I think this is a combination of his ex trying to keep a bit of control over him as well as her using him for a dog sitter. Whenever he says yes she probably still feels there is a bit of hope for them to rekindle things, thought I must say the fact she never says anything else in the conversations other than asking for a dog sitter makes me think she is actually using him to dog sit overall. 

4. I agree with what others said. I love animals and have been sad to not see some of my ex's dogs anymore when the relationship ended, but there is no reason to be seeing an ex's dogs when you are married. It is weird.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I believe the dogs are just an excuse to see him, on his ex's part. That's why it must end. Your husband may be oblivious to it, but he might not be. Either way, it needs to end...and he should block her number, too. No reason to stay in touch with exes once you get married. Unless they're an ex spouse, and you have kids together, and even then, there are still boundaries.


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