# married 7 years, 2 kids, wife informed me she no longer loves me.. advice?



## Dad in Alberta (Sep 2, 2011)

This is my first post on the site, I'm hoping to hear from people going through something similar. I'm 33 and have been with my wife for 10 years now, married for 7. We have a 5 year old and a 6 month old. Our problems first came up as we struggled to have our second child. It took us 2 1/2 years to conceive our second and we went through fertility treatments and were on the waitlist for IVF. We managed to get pregnant without the treatments but lost the baby about ten weeks in. About four months later we conceived again and have a happy and healthy second boy.

My wife was/is a shift worker (currently on mat. leave) and for the entire period of infertility we would have to have sex around the time of ovulation whether we felt like it or not. Alot of the times it was forced and there were even times I wasn't in the mood! Then there were about 30 months of constant disappointment when we didn't conceive. My wife would be extremely depressed each month and was convinced that having a second baby would make her completely happy. While we are both thrilled with the second baby our marriage has not improved at all, in fact it's gotten worse.

First some background information on me. I was born and raised in a city in a family with 3 siblings. We all are university educated and I had a reasonably good childhood but our family was not overly affectionate. I remember one time being told "I love you" and it's really awkward and weird to think about hugging my parents of siblings. My wife comes from a family with two other siblings and a family that is much closer and from a small town. 

I have suffered from depression since my teenage years and it runs in my family. I also have obsessive compulsive tendencies when it comes to having a clean house, not over the top but I do like things organized and neat. I believe my wife benefits greatly in some ways from my OCD in that I do most of the laundry and other household chores, while she does the cooking. I think it's a good balance. Years ago I used to get on her about the messes she leaves but I've learned not to say anything and just clean up after her.. although it does annoy me.

We rarely have sex anymore, maybe once every few months, and that's not enough for me. I'd be ok with once every two weeks. We are both great parents but we both get stressed easily and then tend to take it out on one another. We will have a good month and then one little comment will bring everything we built crashing down and we have a big argument. This is a real problem because we've had yelling matches within earshot of both of our kids and it upsets them. 

My wife said this week that she has felt numb to our marriage for awhile now and says feels my "quirks" have annoyed her to the point that she no longer loves me. She says while there is still some physical attraction, my personality (little patience, quick to snap) totally turns her off. I've been on three different medications over the past 5 years in an attempt to curb my OCD habits and my negativity but so far it has not made any difference.

I recommended couples conselling which she said she doesn't want to do beacuse "we would have to find a babysitter for the kids each time and the counseller doesn't know us so how are they going to understand". She piled on a number of other things that she doesn't like about me. One, she loves camping while I don't (but I always go along and don't complain), Two, I'm not a man's man.. I admittedly cannot fix anything around the house and don't know how to change a tire.. and I can't help that I'm not interested in learning!, Three I'm not spontaneous enough.. she's bored with the same routine we have.

I have a great sense of humour, am a good Dad, and always there for my family. Anything my wife wants she gets. She has a shopping issue and spends too much and anytime I say something like: "do we really need that?" she'll snap at me. So I just let it go. She's put on some weight and I've never said anything about it and it really doesn't bother me that much. I never have any "ammo" to bring to the fight because of all the quirks that she may have I would never bring it up or tell her things I don't like about her because it would hurt her alot. 

I don't want to be a weekend Dad, but I agree that our marriage has changed and even I don't feel the same way about her as I did when we married.. but I figure time will have that effect anyway and with kids, etc. the personal time to be close isn't there anymore. I think the idea of divorce might appeal to me if we had no kids but I cry alot at the thought that my kids could grow up and not really know me or blame me for it not working out. I can't imagine just seeing my kids for a few days a month.

I don't know what I can do here. I don't think you can get someone to love you again who has fallen out of love with you. I really didn't think I'd ever be one of those divorced families. Now that my wife told me that it feels "weird and not natural" to even show each other affection (hug, kiss, etc.) I'm scared to even come home from work and give her a hug beacuse I know it makes her uncomfortable. 

Last night I just watched my baby sleep for 5 minutes and started crying. I'm really emotional and I'm embarrassed when I break down like that in front of my wife when she is calm as can be and has no emotion to the idea that we might break up. I'm very emotional and I feel like women in general don't respect a guy that is going to break down like I did. But it's not for us, it's for our kids. The thought of losing them kills me.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Dad in Alberta said:


> This is my first post on the site, I'm hoping to hear from people going through something similar. I'm 33 and have been with my wife for 10 years now, married for 7. We have a 5 year old and a 6 month old. Our problems first came up as we struggled to have our second child. It took us 2 1/2 years to conceive our second and we went through fertility treatments and were on the waitlist for IVF. We managed to get pregnant without the treatments but lost the baby about ten weeks in. About four months later we conceived again and have a happy and healthy second boy.
> 
> My wife was/is a shift worker (currently on mat. leave) and for the entire period of infertility we would have to have sex around the time of ovulation whether we felt like it or not. Alot of the times it was forced and there were even times I wasn't in the mood! Then there were about 30 months of constant disappointment when we didn't conceive. My wife would be extremely depressed each month and was convinced that having a second baby would make her completely happy. While we are both thrilled with the second baby our marriage has not improved at all, in fact it's gotten worse.
> 
> ...


I'm really not sure what to say other than I am sorry you are going through this. I know it's tough. Just try to be strong for your little ones and try not to let them hear you argue. It's good that you still go camping and such; just sorry you don't like it. I grew up camping, so it's a part of me to be outside with nature. I do wish you luck in your situation.

Edit: I do want to add that you need to express love to your children. Tell them every day that you love them.....several times a day. Hug them til they're blue in the face (not really, but hug them). Please do not deprive them of this healthy nurturing that you missed out on growing up. Your depression could have stemmed from lack of being shown love. (???)


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Hi Dad ~

I am so sorry you are going through this.

Go look through some of these threads and see if anything resonates with you:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/18181-man-up-nice-guy-reference.html

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/21278-thermostat-ultimate-barometer-your-r.html

Hopefully, some of the gentlemen from the Men's Clubhouse will wander over here and be able to give you some additional guidance.

But, I think your wife is crying out for you to be the MAN. She wants someone that she can respect, that she can count on, that is confident and self-assured, that has a vision and dreams and is willing to do things to achieve those.

She's also had a traumatic time of it - miscarriage, infertility, and now a new baby. Those hormones of hers are swinging all over the place right now. Is she breast-feeding? That usually depresses a woman's libido. Has she had any unusual depression-type symptoms after having the baby? Does she seem unusually overwhelmed? If so, has she been checked out by her doc?

Wishing you the best. God Bless.


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## HappyWife40 (Aug 23, 2011)

My husband and I have been in a similar situation. We have been married now for 18 years, but years six through nine were awful. Everything that originally attracted me to my husband really seemed to annoy me. Every month we had maybe one good day out of thirty. At that time we also had two small children and had been through two miscarriages. It got so bad, at one point he drove to the courthouse to file for divorce. He changed his mind in the parking lot, fortunately. 

One of the things that really helped was marriage counseling. My husband was also going through some depression, so he had some individual counseling as well. Over the next few years, I began to notice that instead of having one good day a month, we were having one bad day a month.

I think what also helped (and people may disagree with me) is time. Some of our problems were growing pains. Having small children can suck the life out of you. I also had to come to the realization that my husband absolutely needed sex and not just "go ahead and get this over with" sex, but real "I'm really into this and I want to be with you" intimacy. The more I treated him with respect, admired him and tried to be his "helpmeet" the better he treated me.

This seems to be one big ramble, so I hope it made sense to you. 

There are a few things I recommend to people going through marital difficulty:

_Love and Respect_ by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs (book)

_Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage_ by Mark Gungor (DVD series)

_The Five Love Languages_ by Gary Chapman (book)

Maybe these can help both of you. Best wishes!


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## HappyWife40 (Aug 23, 2011)

Enchantment said:


> Hi Dad ~
> 
> I am so sorry you are going through this.
> 
> ...


:iagree: Especially about the breastfeeding thing! My libido took a huge hit during that time.


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## Dad in Alberta (Sep 2, 2011)

my wife can't breastfeed... she tried with our first one for two weeks and it was more painful than the labour! Also, she wasn't producing enough milk. She tried briefly with our second child and the same thing happenned so she quit after the first few days. 

I do think she's depressed as well as I think we're both pretty similar in that we get stressed out easily and have bouts of sadness. She has essentially made this whole situation about me and claims that she's just fine and that her unhappiness is due to my quirks and negativity in general. I am starting to think that perhaps I'm just one of those people that is destined to live alone. Everyone would agree I am a great guy in small doses, but even my male friends that I lived with in the past find me difficult to live with. 

I also think when you come from a family where little love was shown and your spouse comes from a family that was quite the opposite it's tough because I really have to set my mind to showing affection, it doesn't come naturally. 

It's just been a really difficult week, I don't know how to act around my wife.. she's made it known she's not in love with me anymore and we had a really emotional fight. How do I move on from this?! 
Thanks for the resources I will check some of these out.


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