# Wife had EA/PA, now working on marriage - need advice



## AG571 (May 10, 2011)

OK I'll try to do the cliff notes version, so if you need any blanks filled in just let me know.

My wife is an RN and travels quite a bit for her job, which is in cardiovascular research. We have 2 children (6 & 4) and have been married for 8.5 years. I was a pretty lousy husband for quite a while (lazy, overweight, etc) but always a wonderful father and never failed to show my wife and family how much I loved them.

Over time our sex life has really gotten worse and worse, and we began to resent each other due to the other's faults. She is not a warm and fuzzy person - never has been. She is a great mother but has always struggled with showing affection to me, especially in public. She is on her 2nd marriage while this is my first.

In retrospect I was very immature in my habits and have, since learning of her affair and how unhappy she was for quite a while, changed my ways. I have been to counseling on my own and we've had one joint session with more to follow soon.

When I told her I knew of the affair she immediately told me she was ending it. She said she never wanted to be with the other guy long-term and that she basically felt like she would be better off alone. The other guy has a wife and 2 children...his wife has no idea about this. He has also had 3-4 affairs prior to the one with my wife, but he told her this one was different because they "connected" on an emotional level, which I guess she was really missing with me.

They continue to work together, although they do not see each other much. He is out of state and does IT work for her company. I know that they have talked once or twice since the "breakup" but she is obviously still grieving over the loss of talking to him, etc. Meanwhile, I have done a 180 degree turnaround, not only for the sake of trying to save my marriage, but for myself and my future. She is absolutely amazed at the "new" me and says she isn't sure if I can sustain it. Then there are other times she says she knows I have changed for good. We still live together, sleep together, etc., but there is NO emotion from her. She says she loves me but isn't in love with me...a recurring theme I've found after reading up on this stuff. In our joint counseling session she basically said she is hoping her feelings for me return but doesn't know how long it will take and if they will return at all.

Yesterday I told her that I felt all alone in my efforts to right the ship and get us back on course. She said "just being here" is all I can give right now. She often mentions that she needs time alone to think things through. She has divulged any and all information I have asked and since we agreed to be completely honest with each other a few weeks ago I have not found 1 single thing she has lied about. The affair went on for 10 months so my trust in her was wiped out in one felled swoop. I am working on trusting her and said I would start by not snooping/spying on her but in return she must try harder to show affection toward me and put herself "all in" to correct our marriage problems and be together long-term.

She said she was "all-out" a month ago and is halfway-in now...and that she's come a LONG way to do that. I know I want this to work but it is extremely hard to be around her while knowing she isn't in love with me and is working toward falling out of love with this other guy.

I told her either she or him would have to leave the company, with my preference being him since he already lives out of town. She said he was "looking for another job" but I'm not so sure he's trying very hard. I have told her I want to talk to him and explain how important it is for him to find other work, but she is afraid I will do something rash upon meeting him. I tried to call him once but he didn't answer. I know almost all of the details of the affair and truly believe she has completely stopped "talking" to him, cold turkey. He tried to call her at 1 AM last week while she was out of town. She told him not to call her and hung up, then didn't answer when he tried to call 3 more times. I know this because the call length was like 20 seconds and the others were 0 seconds (went to voicemail I guess). Again, I have not caught her in 1 lie since we had our "come to Jesus" meeting about everything.

My dilemma is that I am so hurt and insecure (hurts to say that but it's true) now that I really do crave her attention and love. I find it hard to leave her alone after having 3-4 straight days of wonderful conversation and happy times with her alone and with the kids. We actually get along great as I am very easy to be around.

I got upset yesterday and told her I cannot stay in a situation where I am the only one giving "love". She says she loves me and asked me to be patient so we can continue marriage counseling to "see if the spark returns" where she can fall in love with me again. I really believe that this is what she wants but I have read and talked to many people who say this is a doomed situation and you cannot re-light the fire once it's out.

Has anyone experienced this situation? Should I stay the course? Do I owe it to my kids? I honestly love my wife with all my heart but I'm also angry that I'm not getting any feedback from all my efforts to move on from this. We are 1 month post affair being revealed/ended. How long do I wait to see if she comes around? In the one joint counseling session we went to the lady told me to be patient and give her space and time to decide what she wants. It's killing me to be around her and know what she's done and that she isn't in love with me, even if I was somewhat blind to it before actually uncovering the whole thing.

Please give feedback, advice, experience on this if you have any. Again, my #1 priority is to save my marriage because I love her and my 2 children, but I feel I must stand up for myself and let her know I won't wait around forever.


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## elph (Apr 2, 2011)

dude, i feel your pain...

im in a similar situation in terms of my wifes perspective...

i feel like im doing all the work while she heals from the love she had for the OM. and its f'n painful to watch...along with you insecurities i never had bubbled to the surface. 

the only differnce is that my wife isnt even half way there yet. whe still refers to me as her best friend and were still in the same house for our sons sake. ive been doing a 1880, but at the same time becoming the man that she fell in love with in terms of caring and attitude....but im also throwing in a "maning up" as well.

the one thing i am learning is that there is no time line for these things...they happen when they happen and it will test your patience and resolve. but the fact that youve decided to work at your marriage is huge and shows strength of character...that with the 180 should show to your wife that this is not a change of conveniance, but one that is long lasting.

its tough trying to rekindle that spark, but its been there before, so you have history on your side. but at the same time, the marriage and the person you married arent the same after the affair, but it could also be better...

just be patient, put in the effort, you absolutly owe it to your kids, theres nothing better than to give them a whole and complete family...and if it gets rough just look at them for inspiration, thats what i do.

also may i suggest reading "surviving the affair" and "not just friends" theyre both great books to help with perspective on this kind of things...and of course everybody here on TAM


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Nobody but you can know... but my 2 cents:
The *only* reason I am even considering working at it with my wife who cheated was because she *begged* and *begged* me to give her another chance, promised to "do the heavy lifting" in restoring US. 

Even with this commitment from her, I'm on the fence. Without it, sorry there is no way I'd have her in my house. 

All the attention you are giving the marriage & her to "hope" to win her affection back would be spent preparing to be a single dad were I to be in your situation.

I do not think that is what you want to hear, but it's just my opinion. As they say elsewhere on this site -- you've gotta think about "manning up"!!

Good luck to you


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

AG : - This guy is an experienced adulterer and will know what buttons to push with your wife , what moves to play when caught, how to take this underground, if you think your marriage has any chance of success without him being permanently out of the picture and your wife controlling the journey with a haphazard break the affair routine, think again. 

The following is the most effective way of giving your marriage the best shot of surviving.

Please stop implying the affair is your fault, the marriage problems are both our your faults, the affair is 100% her fault, do not downplay that. 

The OM must be removed, he has not stopped because your wife is managing you, do not underestimate the draw he has on her. Track his wife down, even if you have to travel to where he stays and tell his wife about the affair, provide what evidence you have. Tell her one of them must leave the job. 

Your wife has feelings for the OM as the bridge to the OM has not been irrevocably burnt down. Hence her difficulty in recovery. 

Next have your wife write a no contact letter to the OM, she may baulk and say no, if she agrees have a template of your choosing from the affaircare.com site link below, she writes you approve and send, write an addition from you if he ever contacts your wife again he will be charged with harassment. 

Articles

If she does not leave her job or he with the next month write a letter to the HR department stating that they are in an affair and using company time and assets to conduct it. You have given her the option to leave , this has to be done if she does not. The affair is ongoing even if it is in her heart so long as they work for the same organization in the same environment. Do not let her fight you , do not let her intimidate you with divorce etc...etc.. she may try this. 

Buy "surviving an affair" and "his need her needs " by Harley, the first will give you an idea of where you are now and steps , the second is to help bond you and your wife. 

Try the following , go to Marriagebuilders.com and book a call with one of the Harley's , your wife must be on the call, this is to give both of you some steps to help improve the chances of your marriage recovering, your wife needs tools to effectively start bonding with you. Thereafter carry on with MC in parallel, ask the MC how many marriages they have saved, change if you have to. 

The single biggest weapon the affair man and your wife have is *your fear*....do not fear, tell his wife, confront him, he is having an affair with your wife, fight for your marriage now. If your wife threatens you as she may still do ..do not fear, hold the line.


Only once all contact is permanently gone can you focus on recovery. Please do take this advice before it is to late.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

AG: expose the affair to the OM's wife STAT.


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## elph (Apr 2, 2011)

man eli just got me pumped up!!!!!!!

and hes totaly right too...be prepared for the worst but hope for the best....

But NO CONTACT is a must, as i too am finding out...


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Find out as much as you can about this guy (quitely) gather the evidence of the affair/ affairs. Nanes , numbers, dates, I mean dig and dig deep and spend some dough.

Once you have it all together contact the om and let him know everything you have on him and offer to send him copies. Let him know the the information will stay sealed as long as her never tells your wife about this conversation. His wife will never need to see what you have on him as long as your wife never ever getts wind of this conversation by anyone.
In addition you will keep guite as long as he breaks up with you wife and if your wife continues to contact him and or he continues to contact wife you will expose all the information you have to everyone.

So if its in his best interest to not tell your wife that you two talked and he does the break up then your blackmail has worked.


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