# i am seriously going into the depression lane :(



## fastcablecar (Sep 8, 2011)

Let me start with a little background about my life...

I met my husband 2 years ago... it was a great first year... but all change after we got married... then a year later we had our first 

baby, it got worst then we moved it got even worst!

I already know by heart that he is not ready to be a father, its that look you see in someone's face and it just breaks your heart 

but we both went to the clinic to have my ultrasound(i was so happy), i thought he was happy too...but then i saw his face when 

it was positive... it was the look of "are you sure you wanna keep it coz we can still get rid of it look"... i automatically told him if 

he doesnt want it then he doesnt need to be with me... im a big girl (career wise) and i can take care of myself and i can even 

take care of my baby, im not the type who will force my child to a father who doesnt want her in the first place. (this is still 

haunting me til now)

god i lost count on all the fights we had about our baby, i had to sleep on the floor next to the crib since he doesnt like it when 

she cries since he cant sleep this happened when she was like weeks old. He barely takes care of her (actually he never does not 

even a minute, hed be screaming and yelling that shes bad and annoying coz he cant calm her down) and I sooo envy all the 

fathers I see anywhere in this world who takes good care of their kids just breaks me down when I see one. We cant even go out 

the 3 of us all together coz he always say shes just gonna be a hassle so I had to leave her with my mom even if were just gonna 

go buy some groceries or we just want to get out of the house. This feels like NOT a family to me, it feels like I'm a freaking 

nanny taking care of someone else's husband and kid. and I'm the one driving too so chaffeur? lol .... 

i lost count on fights about money because he doesnt want me to be involve in that area since he's the one earning, he will be the 

one to budget the whole thing but thats just it, when he's the one who does the budgeting, our supply dont last for days, i always 

have trouble paying bills, i had to hide money just to be able to buy groceries for our dinner before and this was when before our 

baby was born. Our finances arent going too well if i leave it to him and if i dont get myself involve, yeah he pays for our 

daughters expenses but it always have to be an argument.

He's atheist, so he wants to exercise no religion in this family and im roman catholic, when i wanted our daughter baptized he 

got furious just by talking about it, he said he wants our daughter to choose on her own what religion she wants, and he's a born 

catholic too, he was baptized and all that stuff, I know we both have cultural differences but i never saw that as a problem, i 

respect his culture and his beliefs, im more in the neutral side, and i dont take sides. 

One time I caught him watching porn while I was sleeping and I was like so furious coz he was looking at asian girls, yeah i get it 

he's a guy but jeeez while I was sleeping? Come'on! And he complains alot about us not having sex all the time, jeez i just ad a 

baby, my head is more twisted than that manson artist, my hormones are messed up than ever and he doesnt even take care of 

me, I have to take care of him, cook for him, laundry, take care of our kid. And I wondered why I had anxiety lol...

I got serious issues, a week ago if my parents werent with me, my head was straight up giving up! My mom said thats marriage, 

you have to work it out. How can you work things out when one doesnt compromise? do i always have to be the one to lower my 

pride, give in just for the sake of our daughter? If you will know my husband too well which I really do coz for two years in this 

marriage all I did was take all in the sarcasm, the hurtful words all the things that hurt i had to take it in coz if i speak my mind 

we will never be together, i wanted to walk out that door a lot of times and countless even just in two years, but he always stops 

me, says hes sorry and that he will change, but now it feels like hes gotten nowhere with that change and with that sorry its 

everywhere. I'm always exploding now, most days coz I think I have hatred in my heart now. How would you feel when he's in 

the mood to talk or when he's happy because a new Macbook Air came out or watever or there was a new debate between 

atheism and some other religion blah blah that he doesnt care when our baby started to walk and I shared that moment with 

him and it felt like nothing to him, or when she started to do a lot of great amazing milestones and all he could say was "oh okay, 

thats cool (while eyes on his iphone playing on a game). Serves him right why our daughter ignores him most of the time and 

doesnt care for him at all and only tries to be nice to him when shes really really into a good mood(extra good mood). 

I cant help it, tears fall when I recall all the things that happened in my life. I had a nice career line and it felt something was missing, now I have a family of my own, its not working even to vise versa to the one I expected, even the unexpected is not even working. I was even thinking of leaving and not coming back, I'm sure he'd leave our daughter with my parents, coz thats what he said anyway. He keeps saying he doesnt want to lose me but he's doing it, he's doing the things that would make him lose me.. I already accepted all the faults his and mine and I feel I cant go on and everyday is just depressing. I was passing behind him cleaning the room and by accident I saw a message on his facebook from a girl coz he was switching his web pages and she said on her message "thank you for thinking of me!" .... alot of bad thoughts came into mind but he said it was nothing, it was just a job that his guy friend wants something translated in spanish and then my husband also said, shes just a distant friend but we used to see each other before, I held her hand while she was puking when she was so drunk... WOW.. okay distant ... okay... im not jealous, just a bit weeezy! 

SOrry if this was a bit too long... I really dont know what to do though, I feel like disappearing or dissolving into thin air.. 
I dont want to lose him(i think of that sometimes) not because he's financially supporting us sometimes but because I love him and he's not even affectionate nor sweet, i tried to be sweet to him and leave him love notes(high school stuff) but he says its corny... I used to tell him I love him even once a day, he told me I dont need to tell him that coz its annoying and he knows that already, so I stopped saying it then he asks me why i dont say it anymore? then that big fight last week, he said "you dont love me, you dont like me" and I was like "seriously? we have a kid together, im taking care of both of you everyday, i make sure you have your food and your clothes ready to your disposal... I tried to be more affectionate but you shut me out and when I am really sooo tired from all the chores and he wants to sleep with me he says I reject him when I just nicely said I am very tired can we just sleep and do it another day? or tomorrow.. he accuses me of rejecting him when he doesnt fulfill my needs.. ive been telling him for a millionth time that I dont need material things but I need him to be there for me and our child but he's grumpy and always not in the mood unless if I start talking about things that interest him (MAC, atheism, watever) oh boy..

main point of this thread really was I am getting worst with my depression. just yesterday, I was sitting in a coffee shop, I was reading this magazine and we were just talking about some things and eating our lunch, I suddenly wasnt hungry and my thoughts were lost, I was gazing outside and then blank out but i was conscious... my mind wasnt where it should be.. another thing thats bothering me now, my husband just placed a password on his computer and if he leaves the house with my dad going out for a beer he always leaves the computer on.. I NEVER touched it until the time he accused me of really checking him when I seriously wasnt doing anything and I never checked his emails, he accuses me of all these things when I didnt do anything. I barely could check on my emails and go on to my computer. Sorry guys if I bore you, I dont have anyone to talk to and I dont have my closes friends since they live in another country.


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## Confused_and_bitter (Aug 6, 2011)

My answer would be leave, NOW! do you really want your daughter to grow up around a man that doesn't care about her he is her FATHER! and yet it seems as she might as well be just a random child living at home. 

I grew up around a dad like that, and honestly I wish my mom would have left him because of how he did/does treat me. 

Please think you your daughter and how this will affect her an how it's affecting you! Is there anywhere else you can go? Can you get a job again? My mom is the same way in that she always says to work it out or stay together for your kid/s. But I don't see how staying in an abusive relationship will be good for my baby. Also, if you can get some counseling, individual or even marriage if you want to continue to work it out. It sounds like he should get some counseling himself. Did you both talk about having children before you got pregnant?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## fastcablecar (Sep 8, 2011)

Confused_and_bitter said:


> My answer would be leave, NOW! do you really want your daughter to grow up around a man that doesn't care about her he is her FATHER! and yet it seems as she might as well be just a random child living at home.
> 
> I grew up around a dad like that, and honestly I wish my mom would have left him because of how he did/does treat me.
> 
> ...


Yeah we did talk about it, at one point I can remember he was even excited about the pregnancy, but that was like 5-6 months after i got pregnant, its like a mood thing, if he's in a good mood hes nice and okay but if not then he's just grumpy and complaining about alot of things... COunseling wouldnt work with us since he doesnt even listen to me how much more from someone else, although he listens to his friends but thats just him, we are trying to work it out(i am mostly) he did tell me over and over again especially when i point out that he has a daughter, he did say he thought he would feel something special when she arrives but he said he didnt feel anything when she we had her at the hospital, i did saw him cry when she first saw her but come to think of it now if feels like probably that was just some spur of the moment reaction and it really wasnt something serious like "oh my, im a dad" kind of feeling, he told me last week that he still doesnt feel like a dad, i ask him what does it take for you to accept you are a dad? i even told him do i need to die or leave or do we need to leave you for good so you would realize it... i actually broke down last week the day after the big fight, i told myself ill just wait for that day for him to realize it and hope that i would still be the same. 

I have nowhere to go for now, we live next door to my parents temporarily, were trying to figure out where in europe should we settle but the problem is he doesnt want to settle in one place, he doesnt know where he wants to stay, and for me, i just want a simple place, nothing fancy, i know i can get a job, im not picky but i can even apply for management, i have a 4 yr degree course which he believes a just a stupid paper and doesnt worth anything (thats another case of my heartache) he doesnt have any degree coz he choose to skip college but he's good in his profession (web developer) as for me i did all that stuff parents should be proud of, never came home drunk and i dont smoke, never had problems with school, graduated college, never had a problem with career and im the aggressive type career wise, but now im helpless, where can i go, i would feel guilty leaving my daughter, shes clingy now coz shes just 1. im on observation mode now ... he said we will work it out but in my head im actually just waiting i just dont know what im waiting for yet but im waiting for something...


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