# Feeling inadequate



## anna04 (Mar 8, 2018)

My XH and I have been divorced for a year now, but I still feel like I wasn't good enough. I caught him cheating on me with a man, and I just... I don't know. I knew he was bisexual from the very start, and the fact that he left me for a man makes me feel like I wasn't enough for him. I know, logically, that it means nothing, but still.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

anna04 said:


> My XH and I have been divorced for a year now, but I still feel like I wasn't good enough. I caught him cheating on me with a man, and I just... I don't know. I knew he was bisexual from the very start, and the fact that he left me for a man makes me feel like I wasn't enough for him. I know, logically, that it means nothing, but still.


I'm sorry this happened to you. You're right, it is illogical. He left you for someone who was completely different than you. You can never be a man. That doesn't make you inadequate as a woman. It makes you not a man.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

I bet all of us women wonder why men are attracted to other men. I'm always so incredibly disappointed to learn when some of my favorite actors are gay. It likes he's supposed to belong to someone who is built like and not someone built like himself. Makes me seem homophobic probably but I'm not. I guess it's a psychological thing that messes with my primal urge to populate and survival of the species and all that stuff.

And anyone, men and women, who are left take it hard in a deeper way than if the relationship/marriage dissolved for other reasons. Deciding it's over it easier to process than being left for another man or woman, so I don't doubt this is especially hard on you and makes you feel inadequate. That's not it though.

It might be my age, and it might be wrong to think the way I do. I do understand and accept homosexuality. But nothing will make me accept bisexuality or pansexuality. If a woman is lesbian and attracted to other women, I don't judge them. If a man is gay and attracted to other men, I don't judge them either. But bi's and pans are opportunists to me. Unless they are hermophrodite with both organs and hormones, how is it possible to be attracted to both sexes? It just seems they will take sexual pleasure however and whenever the opportunity presents itself, which seems pretty unreliable to me too. 

So I don't think you could place too much faith into a monogamous relationship with that type of person. I don't think you should feel inadequate because it's unnatural that you should be placed in a position to compete with the opposite sex for a man's affections. But I do think you may want to examine why you entered into a relationship with someone who is so confused and made yourself an option to him. He was never going to stay with you. Surely you knew that since you accepted his bisexuality. He won't stay with this guy either when the next guy or girl comes along. You should want more for yourself, so don't be opportunistic and give your heart to whoever comes along. Decide what you want and what you don't want and then stick to it. Be faithful to yourself and not someone who doesn't know what faithful means.


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## growing_weary (Jul 23, 2017)

I don't think it matters whether a person is hetero, bi or homosexual. Their predilection for stepping out, wandering eyes, or cheating, is what determines whether they will stray, not who they are attracted to. Things aren't so cut and dry. 

One can be attracted in varying degrees to both the opposite and same sex without it correlating to their propensity to cheat. Bisexual people aren't inherent hedonists. 

That said, OP, it may sting more for you to have been left for a man instead of a woman, but still you were left. All this shows is that the person you were with was not worthy of you. It doesn't matter who they left for at the end of the day if they are gone. What is important, and has been mentioned before, is how you will choose the next important people in your life and to notice red flags before they become close enough to affect you.


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## AbsoluteZer0 (Mar 8, 2018)

anna04 said:


> My XH and I have been divorced for a year now, but I still feel like I wasn't good enough. I caught him cheating on me with a man, and I just... I don't know. I knew he was bisexual from the very start, and the fact that he left me for a man makes me feel like I wasn't enough for him. I know, logically, that it means nothing, but still.


I've been through this. My Ex wife left to be with another female who was not at all attractive. She left me and I kept all 4 kids (3 of which weren't biologically or legally mine but who I love as my own) to go do that. It does weigh on you and you think that it must have somehow been your fault that you weren't enough to keep them around.

After being divorced for 8 years now...I can tell you that it wasn't me and it isn't you. If it wasn't going to happen then, it would have happened at another time. She was and he was self serving their own interests and you just didn't happen to be included. You and I were old hat...safe and comfortable but not exciting like this new thing. 

I have always been very fortunate in that I've been able to offload baggage that isn't mine to carry. It took a bit of time but I realized about 6 months after the divorce that this weight of what happened was not my weight to carry around and at that moment, it was pretty clear that I need to stop worrying about the things I cannot change and focus on those things that I do have power over. That you cannot change what happened or any of the circumstances means that you are stuck in a cycle that will never change until you choose to offload the burden and work on what you can do to be a happier person with a better life. 

I was still in a bad spot at 6 months after. Working with my Ex and her girlfriend at the same employer, no way to leave that place, had 4 kids at home that I had to tend to and all the financial and emotional responsibilities that go along with the kids. It was a whole lot to deal with at once, but diving into improving that situation and not worrying about why I was there made a lot of difference and suddenly things were bright where they once were dark because I could change those circumstances and I couldn't change the others.


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