# Walk away wife situation



## Untitled hymn

Married 12 years 2 kids daughter 11 son 7. Married early at 18. Both of us busted our ass to make it through college she as a nurse and I as a teacher and then busted our ass to make it as professionals and parents but never worked on each other or our marraige. She started bringing it up 2 years ago that she wasn't happy and I didn't understand. I thought we had made it, we were successful have a nice house beautiful kids and pay the bills. She never made an effort emotionally so I thought everything was fine. Turns out she was just closed off. 

She was acting ill on dec 2nd and I asked her if she didn't love me and she said no and that she wanted a divorce. I became defensive again said we had no reason to be unhappy and all she could say was that I never help out and that this wasn't a partner ship. Naturally I told her I didn't understand but I wanted to remain married and I'd make whatever changes she wanted me to. The next morning and next day I did all the wrong things pursued her texted her 2 or 3 times quoted songs told her we could do she could have whatever she had been asking for. 

But I also started reading some things mostly googled how to win your wife back and some other stuff and began to get a grasp for where I failed her emotionally in the marraige and began to own my role and take responsibility for my part. Over the next few days I communicated that I was beginning to understand where she was coming from, empathized with her feelings, and tried to do some 180's and show that I was willing to change. 

A week went by and she told me that she could tell I was trying but didn't know if she could come back from where she was and felt like she needed to talk to an attorney and that maybe some space would be what we needed. She talked to a lawyer but didn't file papers and we agreed on some space after some what of an argument. I told her that if she wanted space that she should leave, after all I wanted us to be a family and the kids wanted us to be a family it wasn't fair for me to be the one to leave. She replied that she was not leaving her kids. I shared the same sentiment and told her that if I backed off that the kids would go with me part of the time and she agreed to that.

We talked to the kids and she told them she was unhappy and that we needed some space to figure things out. That night I left and she agreed for the kids to go with me. I've been out of the house for a week she's initiated a lot of contact with me as far as the kids were concerned and family functions. I'm trying to do the basics get a life which is impossible 180's which help a lot because I finally understood they were for me and I'm trying to detach. I've come up with a million things to say and just shut my mouth. 

She's got a crush on another guy weather she wants to admit it or not. I snooped her phone a few nights and found where she had been flirting some guy up. But it didn't look like he was real interested and never saw any indication where it had gotten serious yet.

I'm only giving her this space on the premise that we can still reconcile and that it may help. I am worried that she may be in fantasy land and just think she can move me out and keep everything the same. If it heads for divorce I'm prepared to ask for joint legal and physical custody and ask that I be the primary physical custodian based on my work hours and the fact that I teach in the same system as our children attend. She works 4-5 10 hour shifts a week an hour away and is not home to see the children before they go to bed 4-5 nights a week. She makes slightly more than I do so that eliminates alimony I've paid the last $20000 dollars worth of house bills and have always provided the health insurance so her ass could ride around in a new car. She will try and claim that she was the primary care taker but that has always been our grandparents (free child care)

We were married so young and so long there is very little distinction between my family and her family and as it stands now both sides are pleading for her to be reasonable and to give this marraige one last strong chance. But she's not talking to anyone about it like I said I snooped her phone didn't confide in anybody and no deleted messages except the new guys were always deleted the next day.

Right now I'm hoping for a slow down and a turn around in our marraige but I'm also preparing for the worst.

Talked to a lawyer and they said if she had not served me papers there was nothing to be done unless I wanted to draw some up. We talked hypothetically about the alimony, child support, custody issue. Pretty much I'm screwed with custody because it's an even tie considering most things and even though they say they don't make preferences the mother gets the nod when an adolescent female child is involved. 

Should be no alimony and if I were to get primary physical custody she would actually have to pay me child support. But the lawyer said based on the way women have men by the nuts in marraige and divorce that I could ask for that kind of custody but not count on it even if it's a no fault divorce and she is the one who initiates it. 

I texted the other mfer and explained that I knew she was emotionally attached to him and that I was trying to make things work between my wife and I. Not to threaten or anything because I figured it would be forwarded straight to her. I figured if he wasn't interested before he may get distant. Or hell it might backfire.

He sent me this long message back about appreciating the concern but I had the wrong idea about he and my wife, worked together along time ago blah blah confided in each other about personal stuff, wasn't intimate wasn't ever gonna be and that he wasn't my problem and from talking to my wife that he was sure that there wasn't another man.

But like I said I'm a school teacher I get lied to all the time.



I'd welcome advice and support but I mainly put this out there because reading other people's experiences has helped me cope a lot. Maybe some one else can relate here and receive some help one day.


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## MrK

Untitled hymn said:


> she wanted a divorce.
> 
> A week went by and she told me that she could tell I was trying but didn't know if she could come back from where she was
> 
> we needed some space to figure things out. That night I left and she agreed for the kids to go with me.
> 
> She's got a crush on another guy
> 
> no deleted messages except the new guys were always deleted the next day.
> 
> I texted the other mfer and explained that I knew she was emotionally attached to him and that I was trying to make things work between my wife and I....He sent me this long message back...*confided in each other about personal stuff*


I whittled out all the fluff. I forgot to include the "we married too young" part. It's probably most important. It all says She's gone and not coming back. I see nothing to indicate otherwise. 

Oh, and that bold part is code for "we may or may have not yet screwed, but we both want to". You know she's into him but think it's one sided? Bad news: NO (straight) man gives a rats ass about a woman's personal problems. He pretends to because it is a perfect road to her panties. "Oh, you're unhappy in your marriage? I can relate. I've been having problems in mine too. He doesn't deserve you. He doesn't appreciate you. If I had a woman like you instead of the ice princess I'm married to..."

You saw the texts that she likes him. He likes her. You are a bad guy. He's not. Married young. And number one clue that she wants to pursue men outside of her marriage...

She wants space.

Remember, the 180 is for you. It will NOT make her want you more. If anything, it gets you out of her hair so she can do what she wants.


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## ThreeStrikes

Sounds like your wife is having an affair...emotional at the least.

Bad idea moving out. You just gave her a license to continue her affair, and now you can't snoop/gather evidence. By contacting OM with such little evidence, they now know you are onto them and will be more careful.

My advice? File for D. Go for 50/50 joint custody (it's what I have). It's time to give her a dose of reality.

Separate your finances. Today. Cancel/lock all joint accounts.

If you can, contact OM's wife. In person. Perhaps she has more info for you.


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## cdbaker

Yeah moving out was a bad move. Even if she isn't in a physical affair, then at the very least it sure sounds like she is interested in pursing another man post haste. You mentioned she's been very flirtatious and deletes texts from men, that isn't just evidence, it's basically PROOF that she is eager to find a new man. Admittedly, she might very well just be interested in taking advantage of her newfound freedom to test the waters, have a fun fling or two under the auspices of "Making sure this is what she wants" but in any case, her attention and efforts are all being put into THAT and not into your marriage.

So again, moving out was a BAD idea. If she insists on pursing her flings, then it shouldn't be made that easy for her. If that's what she wants to do, then she can move out herself and leave the kids with you because the kids shouldn't be made to suffer and uproot themselves for her selfish purposes.

Next, I'd say you should keep going down the path you are on of trying to dig into all the different ways you failed her. Even with her focus being on outside selfish things, she'll still notice if you are making efforts to improve yourself and change things, so don't go about trying to seek her approval or be in her face about it or calling her attention to your effort. And do NOT try to start convincing her that you've figured it all out and are ready to try again, ready for your "2nd chance" either. It's only been a weekish, so not only will she not believe that you have changed anything yet, the reality is that you really can't have gotten it all figured out in such a short period of time. It'll take you at least a few months of reading, contemplation, counseling, prayer, etc. before you'll be in the right place mentally/emotionally to be worthy of a 2nd chance. Instead, if you really must, just say that you now realize that you failed her in a number of ways, and one way or the other, you intend to figure out and better understand each and every one of them so that you'll know for sure that they will never be an issue again, whether in this marriage or in your future relationships. (that last line is the clincher, it tells her that the efforts you are making and will make are for YOU, not just for her, and you aren't saying any of it just to try to make her give you that 2nd chance.)


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## wilderness

Move back into the house immediately.


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## Untitled hymn

There needs to be a walk away wife PSA on tv or something. It's the same story of men failing their women in the same areas without knowing it or under the guise of being "providers" 

Sucks that moving out was a bad idea. I felt like that was my last good chance at proving I could give her something she asked for and not be selfish. She has opened up some, actually wrote me a letter saying that she was sorting through her emotions, could tell I was trying, but didn't want to go back to where we were. Classic walk away wife verbiage. And I understand where she's coming from. She said she reconciled some of the small things but the big walls around her heart were still there and it would take time counseling and prayer and that she couldn't make any promises. Said she had her, our, and our children's interest in her heart and genuinely wanted all of us to be happy. 

I feel like her communicating that was a step forward and if I run back in the house it may ruin my last chance if there is one. 

Or the other more likely possibility is that she is trying me like a fool and is going to see how long she can treat me like a little bish and test drive the whole lot behind my back while I do all the bending over sacrificing and changing.


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## Alpha

My wife walked out on me. I did everything you did, all the classic knee jerk mistakes.

Separation is the first step to the end. 

I could rewind time, instead of getting all emotional and irrational, I think I would have....

FIRED THE BAZOOKA.

I realized you can't force someone to love you. And you can't get people to realize they love you if there is someone else in the picture (and in your case there is).

So you tell her, "Babe, you do whatever you want to make you happy. If you want to live on your own and explore what it's like to have someone else, that's your decision. Go figure out what you want to do. But until then, I don't want to see or hear from you. Once you've figured out things, give me a call and let's see if I have any feelings for you then."

Then serve her papers.

I think your marriage is on thin ice right now. Her letter is the perfect "cake eating" verbiage just like you said. She wants everyone to be happy. No s**t. She just doesn't want to feel guilty and wants to pass the blame because she is the one who just blew up the family. 

There's nothing you can really do now except just move on with your own life and forget about hers. Begging and waiting won't do you any good, in fact it will just make you insane like it did me.

FIRE!


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## wilderness

Your wife is trying to harm your innocent children. I strongly suggest that you move back in immediately as a countermeasure.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LongWalk

Move home. Tell her to leave so that she can go and test drive new men. If she gets hooked on experimenting but cannot land an LTR, there is some danger she will never replace you but end up broken. She may find someone else. Depends on her self esteem.

File for divorce. You can always cancel the divorce if you reconcile. Stop talking to her about anything but your children.

Your communal property should be split 50/50. It that means selling the house and both of you starting over so be it. Do not let her gain the house in a asset division that is unfair to you and gives your children the feeling that mom is stable and dad took off.

Your moving out sends the wrong message entirely.

Workout on weights. Get yourself into really good shape. You will feel for self confident and that will help you win her back at the liminal level or move on to your next relationship.

Read Bagdon, Kolors, Jerry123, GutPunch – all excellent threads about men fighting to save their families.


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## Untitled hymn

Planning my return home. We both have separate therapy sessions tomorrow, my session is after hers. I'm gonna lay out my plan for returning to therapy man and read his reaction. He's bad about communicating feelings between sessions anyway. I figure I can at least use that to make sure I'm doing the right thing and kind of get a free read off of him. 

I plan on explaining that I want us to work together to make this marraige work, that I understand my flaws and am ready to work on them but I am not ready to take 100% blame for this situation. If you want to work on moving forward great, if your not sure feel free to stay here and figure it out, if you have no intentions of working on it or if you need space you can go find it somewhere else.

Any other poignant phrases to throw in there?


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## wilderness

I strongly suggest that you move in before having any type of conversation with her. Once you are safely back inside the house, the discussion can happen.


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## bandit.45

Just move in. Don't ask. You have every legl right to be there. Just make sure you have a friend with you to act as a witness in case she tries to trump up a domestic violence charge and call the cops. 

Stop being undecisive. This tendency towards prevarocation is one reason she is no longer attracted to you.


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## Stretch

Take this with a grain of salt, but I think it was a factor for my wife.

Has your WAW ever said anything like "Growing up, I always new my mother was unhappy but she refused to leave my dad."

I am convinced my WAW got spooked because she was unhappy and I was not working to make our marriage better. Layer her mother's unhappiness on top of that and that was all the courage she needed to to leave.

Well friend, 14 months later she wants to come back (She actually started second guessing herself after about 7months). Unfortunately, I am seeing someone else and she now has a lifetime of regret to look forward to.

Call her bluff. Move back into your house and tell her to leave since she does not want to work on your marriage. Figure out the things you want to change about yourself and change. My guess is she'll come running back to you with her tail between her legs in less than a year.

Live your life while she tries to "figure things out" BU11SH!T

Stretch


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## vanessa365

The truth is she's trying to test out the waters, don't let her be a cake eater.


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## turnera

Untitled hymn said:


> There needs to be a walk away wife PSA on tv or something. It's the same story of men failing their women in the same areas without knowing it or under the guise of being "providers"


The thing is, she wouldn't have 'walked away' if there wasn't another man waiting for her.

The only thing you need to do right now is fight the affair - from your home. Move back in. Today. If she doesn't like it, tough. She's free to move out. Without the kids.

Move back in, inform her parents and siblings and best friend that she's having an emotional affair, and ask their help supporting the marriage at LEAST to the point of not having another man interfering with her mind. Tell them that, as long as the OM is out of the picture, you're willing to work on the marriage and, if she still feels the way she feels, you'll separate amicably. But teach them (in a nice way) about how the EA is messing with her logic, giving her schoolgirl feelings, and that needs to be dealt with.

Will she be mad? Probably. But she needs a strong man right now. OM seems strong because he's pursuing what he wants. You seem weak because you agreed to move out. Change that. Fight the affair. THEN deal with any issues you may have had.


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## turnera

Untitled hymn said:


> Planning my return home. We both have separate therapy sessions tomorrow, my session is after hers. I'm gonna lay out my plan for returning to therapy man and read his reaction. He's bad about communicating feelings between sessions anyway. I figure I can at least use that to make sure I'm doing the right thing and kind of get a free read off of him.
> 
> I plan on explaining that I want us to work together to make this marraige work, that I understand my flaws and am ready to work on them but I am not ready to take 100% blame for this situation. If you want to work on moving forward great, if your not sure feel free to stay here and figure it out, if you have no intentions of working on it or if you need space you can go find it somewhere else.


Waste of time. As long as she has OM in the wings, this is all weak and fluff. And don't do what your therapist tells you to do, unless he specializes in affairs.


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## Farmer_J

I agree with everyone else here. Ive been thru the almost the exact same thing, except we didnt have any children.

Take the advice that others are giving here. It is wise advice.

I bet your wife is being coached by someone about all this. I bet she has been confiding in a few of her friends about your marriage & how 'unhappy' she is. They have been telling her that she deserves happiness, that she doesnt need you & that your kids will be alright with it all in the long run....no use in her being unhappy for the sake of her kids.

1) Move back home. If the house is in both your names then you have every right to live there. With you out of the house, she can openly do whatever she likes with this OM.

2) Like you said, you know what it is like to be lied to on a daily occasion being a school teacher. Your wife is going to lie and divert the truth as much as possible if there is another guy involved. Why?, because she has a lot to lose if the truth comes out....her family will lose respect for her if they find out, friends will talk about her, etc, etc. She knows this, so she will try with all her might to not let this happen. She'll explain that he is just a friend...he's a friend that is trying to help her with the situation....which is all BS. But then why delete the texts....

3) I'd say even if you are going to D, I'd find the truth about your wife's involvement with this OM. You are going to have to be stealthy b/c they are now aware that you know about them. They are going to try to hide their involvement any way possible.

Find what you can about them. If the evidence is worth exposing, then expose them to everyone you know. At least your kids will know sometime in the future that their dad stood up for what is right & honorable.

4) This crap about marrying too young....just another diversion. For goodness sakes youve been married for 12 years & with 2 kids. She is just now figuring out that she married too young. This is just another justification for how she feels. I bet she was coached on this as well.

Don't let her be a cake eater.


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## turnera

FYI, exposure should be done to save the marriage, not to end it.


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## LongWalk

Come down strong and make her realize you are not going to let her enjoy a bit of strange penis while keeping everything else in life the same. The price of strange is divorce. Let her start thinking about bank accounts and 401s. Let her worry about custody.

Above all let her see that you are as happy as you can be under the circumstances. You will not die of loneliness, rejected by every woman on earth. You will move on to someone new. Maybe younger, prettier and more fun than she is.

Put POSOM on Cheaterville as soon as you know more.


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## Farmer_J

I forgot to add, that from your story....your wife really isn't a walk-away wife. That would imply that there isnt a third party involved. Actually I think this thread should be moved to the CWI forum.

Also another point I wanted to comment on... there are many thoughts on if one should expose to others.

Some believe that if you want to save the marriage you should expose. I think you'll hear a lot of folks here on this forum agree with that. Its good in theory...it brings the affair to light, it can get the WS to wake up from their fog, etc, etc.

On the other hand, there are those that feel that if you do expose, then you'll doom any chance of reconciling. 
Back 10 years ago this week, I got this advice from people on another forum (the other big marriage forum). 
My wife had sat me down & told me the story of what she wanted. That she had two paths in life....basically she was leaving.
I fell apart emotionally & left for a few days in order to give us both room to think. I found out that the very next day after our 'talk', that she was at another guys house eating supper with his family & having fun. It was a guy that she knew from a year long class that they took.

Anyway, long story short....I stuck around hoping that she would somehow change her mind & want to come back. I tried every way that i could to talk to her...trying to get her to realize what she meant to me....I tried to make her feel guilty....I tried crying to her...I promised her that life would be better...etc.etc.

This went on for about 10 weeks or so. I was just me trying to talk to her..trying to call her, email her, etc. She never initiated any contact with me during this time.

Then when our tax returns were due in April, she finally contacted me wanting to know if I could figure out our taxes & how she could get part of the refund.

I think this coldness from her finally sent me over the edge. I knew then she was never coming back & that she never planned to. She just wanted me to fade away like a past memory & not make a waves to mess up her future plans.

So, I exposed to her work mates when I delivered the tax forms to her office. She was gone at the time, but at least I knew that others would know what was going on. 

I used exposure as a way of ending it. 
I knew I wasnt going to let it end without people knowing what happened to us. I wanted everyone to know the truth.
I had to at least defend myself against the stories that she was probably telling to others about why we were divorcing.

Was it vindictive of me to do this...sure I suppose it was. But why should I have just taken what she was doing lying down. She wanted it all to just go away quietly....and I couldnt let that happen. 

Anyway, I too at the time thought my wife was a WAW. But that wasnt true. 

So I think exposing early on is the best way to handle this sort of situation. If it works out & you reconcile, great.....if it doesnt, at least everyone will know why.


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## turnera

Farmer_J said:


> On the other hand, there are those that feel that if you do expose, then you'll doom any chance of reconciling.


Not in my experience. Psychologically speaking, exposing gives the opportunity to make the cheating make the person FEEL bad, or at least realize that the cheating isn't worth the price of everyone's low opinion.


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