# Wife with money, nothing is enough



## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

I am married to a South American woman..She actually comes from a pretty wealthy family, and when we met she was a very hard worker. We have been married 3 years and we have a 2 yr old son. 

I am a small business owner, and do ok for us at this point. We have a decent lifestyle. 

Since we met, it never was really possible for her to work, so she did not. Which was fine. She did not appear to be the materialistic type, as she was never into brand names, showing off etc. I thought we were on a great path.

However, the more I make, the more she can spend without a care in the world for any bills we have. If I have to say no it leads to crying, arguing, name calling etc. Recent examples could be a YMCA membership she all of a sudden needed, a certain pair of sunglasses for $120 when she already has 5 pairs, and even more spending money after i pay for her to see her family overseas. 

As for the above, during the same time within a few months I took her on a small vacation, bought her a new car, new Ipad, clothes etc. 

And now, as the last straw for me, she is away visiting her family, extended her trip to be gone during Easter (which really hurt me 2 weeks turned into 5 weeks ) and called asking for more money to spend.. I told her we cannot afford it.. She then mentioned divorce, speaking to an attorney, leaving me, living her life there, me never seeing my kid again, calling me controlling and a bastard.

Is this marriage basically over? How do I just forgive her for acting like that? How would you handle this in the future?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Do what you need to so she comes back to the USA. See an attorney about how you keep your daughter in the USA.


It sounds like your wife has at least on foot out the door. So you need to protect your relationship with your daughter.


Once your wife is back here you can see about a marriage counselor. It also sounds like it's time for your wife to go back to work.


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## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

It just is difficult with a 2 year old.. All of her degrees do not mean much here, and if she did work it would really just add a tiny bit monthly after day care, other expenses etc.

It feels like a no win. I feel like I cannot give in to her or it will just repeat the same cycle.. Ask, cry, yell receive.

This is not the same woman I married who used to appreciate things i did.. I have only given the best to her and our son.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Just make sure that she gets back on American soil. Then you can drop the bomb on her by filing for divorce yourself, as well as for temporary custody of your son. 

Just be nice, put up with her platitudes and placate until she gets home. But be certain that you do not wire her any more funds, without just and documented cause!


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

You marry a woman from a wealthy family and you're surprised she likes money?


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## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

unbelievable said:


> You marry a woman from a wealthy family and you're surprised she likes money?


Well, I think all women like money, as do all men. I pointed out she is not the stereotypical materialistic type, but she just has ways to waste it that are putting us in a poor financial position..If she has $100 in her pocket she will buy a bunch of junk we do not need.

When I put my foot down it leads to temper tantrums/threats/ name calling or even worse, crying and saying I am controlling her..


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

marriedman321 said:


> Well, I think all women like money, as do all men. I pointed out she is not the stereotypical materialistic type, but she just has ways to waste it that are putting us in a poor financial position..If she has $100 in her pocket she will buy a bunch of junk we do not need.
> 
> When I put my foot down it leads to temper tantrums/threats/ name calling or even worse, crying and saying I am controlling her..


How do you two handle the money? Is there a joint account that she has access to, or does she have to ask you for money?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

marriedman321 said:


> It just is difficult with a 2 year old.. All of her degrees do not mean much here, and if she did work it would really just add a tiny bit monthly after day care, other expenses etc.
> 
> It feels like a no win. I feel like I cannot give in to her or it will just repeat the same cycle.. Ask, cry, yell receive.
> 
> This is not the same woman I married who used to appreciate things i did.. I have only given the best to her and our son.


How old are the two of you?

What are her degrees in?

She could go back to school. Surely at least some of her prior credits would apply here.


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## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

Well, originally I thought she could help with my business and I agreed to give her 10%. My business is seasonal, so I really need to be careful on what we spend..

When we had the above arrangement, I paid for all the bills, nights out everything. That money was just for her. Somehow she managed to go through about 5k in 2 months. She died her hair brown then didn't like it.. Died it back to original blond.. Got highlights etc.. Just that fiasco cost about $2500. Then she would daily buy impulse junk and 30-40 a day would just disappear. 

So then I would still pay all the bills and give her $200 a week to spend. She saved and spent it all on a trip to see her family, and I had to give her spending money..

So basically yes, I give her a weekly amount, which is never enough.

We are both 37.. Psychology and law.. And at this point I am not sending her to 4 years of school, nor would she want to go.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

You married a South American woman and now she's back home on vacation by herself? Not only that but she also used the "controlling" card on you? This is not going to end well.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

marriedman321 said:


> We are both 37.. Psychology and law.. And at this point I am not sending her to 4 years of school, nor would she want to go.


I was thinking that if you divorce, she can go to school here so she can support herself.

If she has to support herself she might be willing to go to school.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

marriedman321 said:


> Well, originally I thought she could help with my business and I agreed to give her 10%. My business is seasonal, so I really need to be careful on what we spend..
> 
> When we had the above arrangement, I paid for all the bills, nights out everything. That money was just for her. Somehow she managed to go through about 5k in 2 months. She died her hair brown then didn't like it.. Died it back to original blond.. Got highlights etc.. Just that fiasco cost about $2500. Then she would daily buy impulse junk and 30-40 a day would just disappear.
> 
> ...


So basically you control all the money. It sounds like she has no real say in how the money is spent, except for the spending money you give her. And then you complain about how she spends that.

The issue about money might be more about your controlling it than about the amount.


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## HappyHubby (Aug 16, 2012)

coffee4me said:


> keko, in his prior posts he said she went to her home country to see her father before he died. She was supposed to return home in exactly 2 weeks. About the time of her return her father was basically going to die any day and she extended her stay to which he posted he was very upset. He didn't have to dwell long as his FIL then died. (About a week ago) He then gave his wife a week to return. She said she needs a few more weeks to wrap things up and not to just up and leave her grief stricken mother and extended her stay a few more weeks. (easter) So, all told it would seem she has been and intends to be in her country about 5 or 6 weeks.
> 
> I don't consider the death of a parent a vacation. I do think that his wife is calling him controlling for dictating to her term and timelines while her father was dying and she is grieving and dealing with a grieving mother.
> 
> ...


Well this puts his story into a whole new light.

Marriedman, you actually got upset that your wife wouldn't return upon your command while her father is passing away and her family is grieving? 

If this is true you are one cold-hearted psycho. You need help. IF this is all true it is clearly obvious to her that you are beyond selfish and YES CONTROLLING .. wow. Too many women may use the controlling card as part of a sh-t test but given this its spot on accurate.


Also, and of a lesser note, the YMCA pass stood out to me. That's a great way to stay active and live a healthy lifestyle if you take advantage of it. That should not be part of your list of useless things - only if she doesn't go. How about you get yourself a pass and go do some activities with her. If she ever comes back...


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## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

HappyHubby said:


> Well this puts his story into a whole new light.
> 
> Marriedman, you actually got upset that your wife wouldn't return upon your command while her father is passing away and her family is grieving?
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

As for money all of it is for her. I pay bills and have no income just for myself. She is the one with expendable income, not me. When you own a business different amounts come in at different times. I also have business expenses. I cant really give her control of the account unless I told her 20 things daily and it is way too confusing.

We have a nice gym where we live. I am not paying another 100 a month for another one. After her tantrum she forgot about it the next day.

Her story in n brazil changes daily. Now she was in a huge fight with her mom and will no longer talk to her. So my son and wife now have to stay somewhere else. I see these things coming where as she does not. It is always the same. Hence you go to a funeral then come back to your immediate family. So they were on the corner waiting for a cab with all of their belongings going to another relatives gouse. Disrupts my sons routine and he hears all this drama yelling screaming etc
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

marriedman321 said:


> Her story in n brazil changes daily. Now she was in a huge fight with her mom and will no longer talk to her.


Over what? Her boyfriend?


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## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

Machiavelli said:


> Over what? Her boyfriend?


Lol, no boyfriend in the picture.. Really have no concern over that.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

The posters have outlined two sides. Nowhere in your post do you ask her, honey how is your father, I am sorry I am not with you. (if he father was ill did you offer to go down and help her?.. that's what married couples do) If she deals with sorrow with money, perhaps while her father was ill, she needed funds, and establishing a new policy then was not the best place. 

Money is the chief reason for dispute and one reason why happy pre-marital relationships with great sex then become problematic when couples are splitting up limited funds. It can be hard with a girl who is used to being pampered, and before marriage, one does have to question marrying "high-maintenance" women. 

You are now married with a daughter, with the issue complicated by countries. I think you two should go to counseling. In terms of legal, you could check if there is a way to block your daughter's passport, so if your wife decided to simply leave, she cannot take her. Otherwise, I would try to discuss issues between you two, acknowledge fault where needed and work on your marriage first.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

This situation is just awful. Your wife is acting like a spoiled teen, much like my teenage daughter. My husband and I do not give into her demands, nor do we enable her.

If your wife wants these material things so badly, then she can work for them. Spending money this way will have devastating effects for your future, especially long term.

This would be a deal breaker for me. I'm a saver and not a spender. I need to live the frugal life. I don't care if others look down on me because I don't have the big "toys" others have.


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## Jibril (May 23, 2012)

marriedman321 said:


> Lol, no boyfriend in the picture.. Really have no concern over that.


Err... I wouldn't be so sure if I were you. 
Sure, there _may_ be nothing going on. But in your particular scenario, we have a spoiled foreign princess wife who always gets her way, and a husband who doesn't know how to put his foot down.

I foresee her gravitating towards a man who knows how to put her in her place/keep her in check in the near future, if she hasn't sought such a man out already. What, _exactly_, did she need three extra weeks for, again?

Make sure she comes back home. Then put your foot down. Lay down the law and make sure she knows it. If she throws her tantrum, just walk away - but don't back down. If she throws the divorce card out again, call her bluff. Start filing. She doesn't sound like marriage material at this point, anyway.


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## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

Not sure if these boards help at all. On one hand I am an insensitive and controlling jerk. And others are saying I am a doormat who cant put his foot down and is being cheated on while my wife went to her dads funeral with our 2 yr old. I mean it cant get more extreme than that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ostera (Nov 1, 2012)

marriedman321 said:


> Not sure if these boards help at all. On one hand I am an insensitive and controlling jerk. And others are saying I am a doormat who cant put his foot down and is being cheated on while my wife went to her dads funeral with our 2 yr old. I mean it cant get more extreme than that.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Many on here have an agenda... some believe that when couples are having issues there HAS TO BE SOMEONE ELSE. PERIOD.

I have seen many here who don't let the facts get in the way of their agenda.


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## Toshiba2020 (Mar 1, 2012)

You need to bail, if she is threatening to take your child over seas you need to do do something about that asap! Get an attorney, get the legal aspects arranged and then drop the ball on her that you want a divorce, you are cutting her off and that the child will be in your custody if she decided to leave the country.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

You said you were getting conflicting advice, I'll take a try reconciling. 

1. There are a group of people who experienced infidelity and therefore attribute virtually every problem to it. 

2. There is general agreement that your wife is spending too much and there needs to be some discussion of addressing it. That said, a number of people believe now is the wrong time to address it, and that if she is in the midst of a family tragedy, that is not when you need to be the tough guy. Others felt you could have offered to accompany her when her father was seriously ill. 

3. Marriage does require compromise. That said, there are women and men who say, you need to be tougher, you are an enabler allowing him or her to get away with something, and check with your lawyer. (I have no idea what lawyers are supposed to say in such situations other than you are going to end up paying me a lot of money, your wife will pay her lawyer a lot of money, we will each tell our client what he/she wants to hear as long as the money spigot is flowing and when it stops, we'll have to work things out. )


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## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

It's hard to describe an entire relationship with a few sentences. 

I am not being mean or thoughtless for not going, I would love to go to Brazil and console her. However finances and this time of year do not allow me to. 

I think a problem with me is this.. I wonder how many men feel this way.

I was never given anything, and worked very hard to earn what I do. So, what amount of gratitude do I deserve for sharing all of this with a woman I met and married?

None at all? Some? A lot? How many women out there are actually paying half the bills.. Sometimes even supporting their man? Being a single mom? I feel my wife sometimes needs to see the big picture instead of being fixated on small things.

One thing I read that makes sense is often times women want to be taken care of, but also want to be independent. They then resent the person taking care of them as that person is also making them dependent. Sort of a no win. That seems to be where I am at.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

You wrote, I would love to go to Brazil and console her. However finances and this time of year do not allow me to. But who decides. Isn't this a joint decision; maybe your wife would find going sufficiently important to use savings. 

When my granddaughter became ill in another state, my wife said she wanted to help and I accompanied her though there was a fair amount of cost and disruption. That's what married people do. I think this was a joint decision, and if she said it was important to have her with you, you probably should have gone. 

Both men and women feel unappreciated. The wife who cleans the house and takes care of children feels she is unappreciated and obviously the breadwinner feels his contribution gets ignored. 

If money is the issue, do recognize the tremendous costs associated with divorce, travel, support, etc. 

I would call your wife, apologize, tell her you understand how much she loved her father, ask if you can help in any way. I would try to save your marriage and not have the war about money occur in the battlefield of a grieving daughter trying to help her parents.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

marriedman321 said:


> Not sure if these boards help at all. On one hand I am an insensitive and controlling jerk. And others are saying I am a doormat who cant put his foot down and is being cheated on while my wife went to her dads funeral with our 2 yr old. I mean it cant get more extreme than that.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Welcome to tam.

I've already told you what to do. Play nice nice until you get your son back. Tell her whatever lie you have to in order to make that happen. Then deal with this.

One thing at a time.


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## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

Bobby5000 said:


> You wrote, I would love to go to Brazil and console her. However finances and this time of year do not allow me to. But who decides. Isn't this a joint decision; maybe your wife would find going sufficiently important to use savings.


I decide. We have no savings.. And if I did not make all of the other yes and no decisions she would not have even had the chance to go see her dad at all. I basically spent our last bit of money at the time for her to go. Emptied the account. Right before all of our other bills were due, so I was in a bad financial spot. 

Our lives improved a lot over the last 3 years, but I have paid for everything.. Everything for our son, for the hospital bill, for her to take 3 trips home, for every bill, 2 cars, all insurances etc. I buy my clothes at the goodwill. My wife and son have the best.

I did not expect her to earn an income, and since she had no debt that seemed to be a decent trade off. I dated plenty of American girls out of college who were almost 6 figures in the hole with no job. 

The problem has also been her mom.. Her mom never worked, lives in a million dollar condo on the beach, never gave one dime to us for anything but says things like "Oh your friend so and so visits Brazil 8 times a year.. Why don't you?" Then when my wife does visit her mom is too busy to spend time with her and ignores her.. Which leads to my wife crying, being hurt, and them fighting.

As for my business, we are busy 9 months of the year, so I must budget accordingly.. Yes, we can have 30k in november, but I should just allow my wife access? What happens when it is gone in February? My money control is about security and not controlling her.. I wish she had her own money.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

Speak to an attorney and tell him you want your daughters passport surrendered and file for divorce. You married a moocher and you are a paycheck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

marriedman321 said:


> As for money all of it is for her. I pay bills and have no income just for myself. She is the one with expendable income, not me. When you own a business different amounts come in at different times. I also have business expenses.


This is where I was going to go with the discussion. I'm a really numbers-oriented guy (more so than most) so I feel some people are missing the implications of what the OP is telling us.

First, he says he gives her 10%. Does that mean 10% of money coming in (sales, IOW)? 10% of profit? 10% of something else? We don't know at this point. Keep in mind that even what people calculate as profit might not all be available to bring home depending on business needs.

Second, he did say that whatever she gets is just for her. So, let's say - worst case scenario - he meets all the business needs and then gives her 10% of what's left over. That means he covers everything else (mortgage, cars, utilities, taxes, food, family entertainment and outings, his child's needs, retirement savings if he can manage it). Only then does he get personal spending money analogous to what he provides her off the top.

If he eventually gets the same 10% for himself as she, then all the household needs and joint wants consume 80% of his income. I don't know about everyone else, but most people I know don't have 20% left over to splurge after paying for everything the family needs. I suspect she gets more financial benefit than he does, and he resents her constant demands.

I see three possibilities here:

1) The OP's wife does not understand his business finances. She might not get that money does not come in evenly throughout the year, or why his profit is so low compared to revenue. I knew a tradesman whose wife simply could not understand why a customer check for $5,000 did not translate to $5,000 for the family (she assumed that his customers were buying their own materials).

2) The OP's wife does not understand the family finances. Does she have a good grasp on what it costs to run the home? Perhaps they have extra expenses because (as a small business owner) he does not have the usual employee perks.

3) His income is not high enough for her. She understands the financial reality but resents it and pressures him to give her what she wants.

Once she's back in the states, he needs to get his books together and lay it on the line for her. "This is the what comes in the door. It takes $XXX to run the business, and $YYY to run the household. We do okay but not great and cannot support your spending level".

Under no circumstances should he let her have control over the business finances or accede to her demands. I have a friend who let his wife push him around with the "I need XYZ and how you get it is your problem" attitude and it caused him real problems with his business (borrowing to pay bills, bounced checks).


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## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

DTO said:


> This is where I was going to go with the discussion. I'm a really numbers-oriented guy (more so than most) so I feel some people are missing the implications of what the OP is telling us.
> 
> First, he says he gives her 10%. Does that mean 10% of money coming in (sales, IOW)? 10% of profit? 10% of something else? We don't know at this point. Keep in mind that even what people calculate as profit might not all be available to bring home depending on business needs.
> 
> ...


Exactly..

To be more than fair, I was giving her 10% of total revenue. So if I did a job for $1000, she gets $100. That money was just for her. 

The problem arose when in about 2 months I tracked that I gave her over $5,000, just for her. I still bought the food, paid for every dinner out, bought her clothes etc. I thought by doing it this way, she might become more involved in my business, think of ways to help, etc.

She is not materialistic in the way we usually think of it, but more or less has been wasteful..Somehow that money disappeared on Starbucks, impulse buys on junk, her hair, $50 bottles of shampoo, etc. 

And no matter how many times I explain, the same questions occur..We just finished a job for $7000. I was paid.. So, she is accusing me of hoarding money.

What she does not get it that about 50% is profit. Which leave $3500.. I paid rent and car payments.. Subtract another $2000. Leaves $1500.. Then insurance, cable, internet, power. Subtract another 700.. I had $800 left. Subtract storage garage and our cell phones.. $500 left. Then food, and miscellaneous items for the week, leaves $400. I sent her that $400 so she had money for diapers and food in her home country during her stay. 

She then claimed I was punishing her for being away by only sending $400, and that I am controlling..I was just paid $7000!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

marriedman321 said:


> It just is difficult with a 2 year old.. All of her degrees do not mean much here, and if she did work it would really just add a tiny bit monthly after day care, other expenses etc.
> 
> It feels like a no win. I feel like I cannot give in to her or it will just repeat the same cycle.. Ask, cry, yell receive.
> 
> This is not the same woman I married who used to appreciate things i did.. I have only given the best to her and our son.


 That's because back then she was wooing you and on her best behavior. What you see now...the real thing.


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