# Finally Busted



## MZMEE (Apr 17, 2018)

As many of you may know, I have had struggles with my husbands accusations around trust. He creates narratives in his head about my actions and continues to frustrate me with THINKING I am doing something wrong. It has been a roller coaster ride with him making progress and falling back. I have NEVER did anything he suspects me of, it's his own insecurities. I have tried tolerating it until he grows through it by continuing to be consistent with loving him and showing him who I am and not what his mind conjures up. I felt we were making great progress lately. Then this happens....

Yesterday he had guys night out. So he drives to his buddies house about 1:30pm and spends the whole day there and doesn't come home til about 1:00am. All this was just fine with me. He needed some time like this with his buddies. We even checked in with each other with little love texts and smooches. (I'm summarizing)

He comes home, showers (because his friends smoke cigars and he smelled like smoke). While in the shower his phone "bings" 3 times. Normally I let it go but it is after 1am. I admit I looked at his phone and it was just his son telling him he got home, but I did take it further and checked out the rest of his text messages. I don't know...something just compelled me to look (maybe I was wrong). So I came across a text he sent to one of his Ex. It said:

"Hey don't get mad at me but I'm sitting in traffic and a wave of horniness just hit me because i was remembering all of the good old nasty times we had" LOL" 

This text was sent at 2pm...not too long after he left the house to go spend time with his buddies. His ex responded by, in short, saying he is married and loves me and be happy (of course I am summarizing). She actually had more respect for me and the sanctity of marriage, not to play along. Unlike my husband who even if this thought came across his head, acted upon it.

I showed it to him and asked him why he would do something like that and of course it ended up being an all out ugly argument. He tells me he was really joking (which is BS) and making up all kinds of diversions and excuses. Whatever the reason, I think it is all BS because with all the freaking accusations and crap that I have dealt with from him and he turns around and does this to me. I am more than pissed! If this was reversed, he would chop my head off and scold me like a 14 year old child. I would have to hear about it for the next 10 years. But now that it is him...he wants to shut me up and start talking about other stuff and then get all irate because I am telling him how much this hurt.

So right now I am just numb. I don't even know what to say. He even had the audacity to say "it wasn't like I slept with her. It was wrong to do but you taking it too far." Are you kidding me!!!! The only reason I am so livid is because of all the hell I have taken from him and his accusations and mistrust for stuff I am NOT even doing. Yet he actually did something inappropriate and I am not supposed to react. It would have been better for him to just shut his mouth and take it. i didn't even get an apology. Just excuses. 

Again I just don't even know what to say to him because last night he just got defensive and tried turning the tables. This morning I refused to talk at all. My heart aches. My stomach is in knots and my mind is rehearsing words. I am so hurt and angry that he would disrespect our marriage like this, yet all his fears about what I could be doing has been the thorn in my side.

I just wanted to share this since you all have been on this journey with me. I dont' know what is next. I just know right now I feel sick.:crying:


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

His accusations are projection.

That text is not something that you send out of the blue. There has been more.

You need to start quietly snooping. 

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

MZMEE said:


> "Hey don't get mad at me but I'm sitting in traffic and a wave of horniness just hit me because i was remembering all of the good old nasty times we had" LOL"


He has such a way with the ladies. I'll bet he has to beat them off with a stick. 

With regard to him constantly accusing you of nonsense, I have to be honest. When these guys are riding you with constant accusations, it usually means they're up to no good *themselves*. A lot of them have the thought that if THEY'RE up to no good and _getting away with it so easily_, then surely their spouse is doing the same thing as well. Maybe your biggest mistake has been thinking his 'insecurities' are what makes him constantly accuse you of the nonsense he dreams up, rather than *him *being guilty himself. 

You might need to dig deeper because it appears he had absolutely NO qualms at all about trying to hit on his ex. *None* whatsoever. No acting weird or having trouble sleeping or feeling guilty or being moody or ANYTHING like that, which means he's practiced at this.

I think it would be extremely naive to believe that the one and only time he's ever stepped over the line (or tried to), you just HAPPENED to catch him. That would be horrifically serendipitous and the odds of that actually being realistic are next to zero. :frown2:


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

Yep I have a very strong feeling that all his past BS was nothing but pure projection. He has been up to no good.

I wonder what would happen if you sat him down and say look, obviously we have had our issues, you have expressed suspicions of me so many times over the years and now this. I don't feel like I can trust you at all. I think the best way to settle all these trust issues is to nip it in the bud and just both sit down for a lie detector test. I take one and you take one. Then after we both pass with flying colors we can both work on a level playing field and move on. 

I have a feeling he would say no way now how not ever. And I think there is a reason he would say no even with you offering to take the test also. 

I'm not really a fan of the lie detector thing in general but I would love to be a fly on the wall to hear his response.


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

Why are tolerating him and his BS ?
I think you should consider moving on
with your life!!

He accuses you of cheating and then you 
catch him doing this. Reading your other posts 
this has been going on far to long You should
not have to deal with any of it. He is cheating and 
probably has been for a while. I don't think he is going
to change either. He just plays nice for a while when you
are upset and then goes back to his old self. 

You seriously need to decide how much of this you can continue
to tolerate ? You deserve better than him for sure !!!


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

There is no good explanation for a text like that. The fact that she responded back also says something. She is still in contact with him.

An ex tried to contact me more than once after I was married. The first time 10 years into my marriage he sent me a letter. I didn't open it, but handed it to my husband to open, so he would know that I had absolutely nothing to hide, and wasn't concerned about the contents of the letter. It was a letter trying to reel me in. I didn't respond. 

Again, 10 years later he found where I lived and called. I wasn't home and my husband answered. The guy wouldn't leave a name. My husband warned me that it was probably him. A couple of days later he called again. I was ready. As soon as he identified himself I told him that I was married and had no desire to have a friendship with him, and to not call again, and I hung up.

He will probably show up again eventually, and he will get a brick wall again.

Your husband is on the prowl. Had his ex responded favorably, you bet he would have followed through.

Leave the dirt bag. He can only bring you more heartache.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Yes, there's a saying that we accuse others of what we ourselves are inclined to do, or actually are doing.

Fits perfectly here.

He's been up to no good.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I knew it! Classic cheater projection! 

Divorceable offense.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

I have thought that from your first post about all of this that HE was the one that was cheating, or wanted to cheat. 

Listen, you need to push this SUPER Hard if you want a chance to save your marriage. 

You need to do some checking, try and recover texts from his phone and hold his feet to the fire. 

I think you need to sit him down and say that he WILL go to counseling and HE WILL stop accusing you of wrong doing. 

Sorry, but if he does not comply at every level, you need to file for divorce. He has been abusive about all of this, and you need to wake him up of file for divorce...


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Sorry but that was so predictable. 

I hope you get out this time.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Didn't you also have a thread about his fantasies upsetting you or something similar (can't remember for certain) in addition to the thread about his lack of trust? Maybe she's who he's fantasizing about -- remembering what they did and wanting you to recreate it?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

And, no, you weren't wrong to check. Never ignore that feeling that's pushing you to find out the truth. There's a reason for that.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Just keep this in the back of your mind in case you need it. Long so may be overwhelming. Takes a while to load.

The standard evidence gathering post...

https://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...ence-post.html


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Your husband has two sets of rules -- those for him and those for you. He's mad you caught him. Nothing more. He wants you to rugsweep this and move on. At his age, change is highly unlikely. Keep that in mind as you go forward.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

MZMEE said:


> He tells me he was really joking (which is BS) and making up all kinds of diversions and excuses. Whatever the reason, I think it is all BS because with all the freaking accusations and crap that I have dealt with from him and he turns around and does this to me. I am more than pissed! If this was reversed, he would chop my head off and scold me like a 14 year old child. I would have to hear about it for the next 10 years. But now that it is him...he wants to shut me up and start talking about other stuff and then get all irate because I am telling him how much this hurt.


*shrug* That's just how mental abusers operate.

Maybe it's time to consider starting a new life. Surely you didn't marry him, expecting to feel like sh*t, be treated like sh*t, the rest of your life?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

farsidejunky said:


> His accusations are projection.
> 
> That text is not something that you send out of the blue. There has been more.
> 
> You need to start quietly snooping.


Or just leave. You aren't married to someone who loves you or puts you first. You're married to someone who hurts you. That's not love. And that's not supposed to be a marriage. No reason to stay.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

farsidejunky said:


> His accusations are projection.
> 
> That text is not something that you send out of the blue. There has been more.
> 
> ...


^^^^^^
This!


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## Ed3n (Sep 25, 2018)

A phone going off at 1 a.m. will ALWAYS get checked in our home if the person is not available. My husband can get called in to work, my mother is gravely ill, and our kids may be out driving. So, there is no privacy after about 10 p.m. after my husband goes to bed. So, don't feel bad about checking on his phone at 1 a.m. for all you knew one of his buddies broke down, or had an accident, based on the time. You had a logical reason to check phone. His response was typical of someone caught doing something they shouldn't be doing, and they know it.

His Ex seems to be concerned about his message, and tells him to behave because he is married. Is she someone that you could talk to? Maybe to explain the context of the message.

You may want to explain to your husband that you have given him NO reason not to trust you, and that you resent him treating you like an untrustworthy child. Suggest going to MC, because you are tired of be accused of crimes you did not commit, and it needs to stop. Since he won't listen to you, maybe the MC can explain that people often begin to live up to your expectations of them when you keep pushing. 

In my case my ex accused me of cheating on him for 10 years. He was cheating, not me, but I bore the brunt of the accusations and shame. So, after one particularly rude comment that he made, I decided I was done. I left him a detailed note about where I was with, who I was with, and exactly what I would be doing to that person. (I don't suggest that anyone does that. I was ready for a divorce, but I wanted to REALLY p*ss him off before I left. It worked!) 

Have you ever asked "If you are going to accuse me, why don't I just go ahead and do it? What would change? You beat me down with your insecurities, and I am sick of it! Why is it okay for you to sext someone, but I am always guilty of things I never even thought about doing?" Everyone has a limit as to what they will put up with. Have you figured out what yours is yet?

Seriously, you should get into at least IC as soon as possible. What he is doing to you is not healthy for your marriage, emotional or mental health, and even your physical well-being. Best of luck to you.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

MZMEE said:


> He even had the audacity to say "it wasn't like I slept with her. It was wrong to do but you taking it too far."


 You honestly have to ask yourself what you think would have happened had his ex NOT had a sense of decency and respect for your marriage.

What if her reply had been* different? * What if she'd told him she was interested in hearing more, or that she was getting all worked up now that he was bringing up the subject, or she started talking in detail about their past sexcapades, and they started musing about getting together for old time's sake, etc.etc. Do you _*honestly*_, in your heart of hearts, believe he wouldn't have jumped all over the opportunity had it presented itself to him?

Yeah, it's real easy to claim his "innocence" to you, and tell you all about how he had no bad intentions when he didn't *have* the opportunity to do a darned thing - except make a fool of himself.

I still stand by the belief that this ain't his first time hitting on someone. Not nearly.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Are you in therapy? That's a must first step.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Why are you with him?


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Personally I think his intent proves just as damning as if he had cheated, but I also believe he probably already has cheated on you. This scenario was a guy trying to get laid, telling you he would be partying with his buddy and would be gone for an extended period of time gave him the opportunity to find some sex. If the ex didn't bite I'm sure he moved along to someone else.

OP you may not of caught him in bed with someone but you have proof he was trying to bed someone, I don't see much of a difference. The guy can't be trusted, don't let him turn this back onto you, what he did is a big enough deal to end a marriage.


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## Slow Hand (Oct 4, 2015)

MZMEE said:


> As many of you may know, I have had struggles with my husbands accusations around trust. He creates narratives in his head about my actions and continues to frustrate me with THINKING I am doing something wrong. It has been a roller coaster ride with him making progress and falling back. I have NEVER did anything he suspects me of, it's his own insecurities. I have tried tolerating it until he grows through it by continuing to be consistent with loving him and showing him who I am and not what his mind conjures up. I felt we were making great progress lately. Then this happens....
> 
> Yesterday he had guys night out. So he drives to his buddies house about 1:30pm and spends the whole day there and doesn't come home til about 1:00am. All this was just fine with me. He needed some time like this with his buddies. We even checked in with each other with little love texts and smooches. (I'm summarizing)
> *
> ...



I just triggered a tad, lol, that's how I caught my ex, she came home and went straight for the shower. I went in like I did some times and she kept trying to not face me as she was hiding some hickeys. I think that's a red flag in my opinion.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Or shower the fluids or smell away.


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