# He doesn't initiate sex



## SunshineLady (Oct 14, 2013)

Hello,
This is my first post here. Hoping to get some advice. Little back story My husband and I have been married 5 years together 7 2 kids. He works a lot of hours, while I stay home with the kids.Overall we have a great marriage. Our sex life has always been pretty bland, but we were alteast having sex once a week. Over the last few years sex has went down to once a month then once every few months, and when we do, I usually have to wake him up when i come to bed. He says its because our schedules are off, so its hard. I feel like he just doesn't desire me, like he doesn't want to have sex with me. If i initiate it, he doesn't turn me down, he just never starts anything. I want and need to feel desired by him, I have never in my life met a man that didn't want or need sex. I've never met a man that didn't get hard pretty quickly upon touching ect... So the only thing i can come up with is it must be me? Anyone gone through this? Or have any advise? I've tried to casually bringing this up with him, but his response is just wake him up and he will give me sex. He doesn't understand, that i don't just want sex for the final result but more of the process and knowing he wants/needs/desires me. I don't know what to do at this point. Any help would be greatly appreciated.


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

Hi SL Nice that you came here for advice

Tell us ..How is his general health?

How old are you both?

Define bland sex


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## SunshineLady (Oct 14, 2013)

He is overall a healthy guy, works out, takes care of himself. He is 37 Im 29. By bland sex, i just mean normal, its is always the same, in the same order, same position ect.


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

There are several books available for this
Would he be agreeable to read some ?

How were things before children & marriage?

How long has this been an issue ?

Communications is critical

Rock his world That will get his attention


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/ladies-lounge/65161-do-you-have-responsive-desire-only.html

Read this thread with him


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## SunshineLady (Oct 14, 2013)

Im not sure if he would be willing to read them, as he doesnt feel like it is a problem. I would be happy to suggest any you know of.

Before Marriage and children it was weekly, has gotten longer in the last couple years gradually. 

He isnt really the type to talk about these things, and im having a hard time bringing it up to him, so that he sees it as serious but not that he feels I am saying he isnt good enough or something. Suggestions?

I will read the thread with him, thanks!


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## aeasty (Jun 5, 2013)

I honest don't know if it is a problem for him as I haven't reached that age yet but he might be having some issues with keeping it up just a thought
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Is he getting his sexual needs met through other means, i.e. masturbation and porn? Or could there be someone else?


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

SunshineLady said:


> Im not sure if he would be willing to read them, as he doesnt feel like it is a problem. I would be happy to suggest any you know of.
> 
> Before Marriage and children it was weekly, has gotten longer in the last couple years gradually.
> 
> ...


Well SL if your are going to resolve this you must get him to open up

Or just pay attention to his actions They will say more than what he says.

I would agree that there is something off with him.


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## SunshineLady (Oct 14, 2013)

Ive thought about him possibly having issues with keeping it up. I have never seen any sign that would be an issue. It has never happened when i was present, except the not getting hard right at the start, but once its hard it usually stays this way. He usually can get off atleast twice or three times before it goes soft. When I asked him if it was a problem he just says he is one of those guys that it takes a min. That he has to turn his brain off first ect. Could be true, ive just never met someone like that before.


He does masturbate and watch porn but we are very open about it in our relationship. He is only doing it about once a week. So i do not feel like this should be a problem, unless he just doesn't want to have sex with me. Early in our relationship, he did it every few days but it didn't affect our sex life.

I really dont think there is anyone else, he has never in our relationship given me a reason to question it, but i guess you never really know.


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

I am a big believer in giving 100% of my sexual energy to my wife

It has made a world of difference.


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## rdl3 (Oct 7, 2013)

This is actually very normal especially since you have been together for so long. Do not feel that there is something wrong with you. It is important for you to work together to bring back the passion in your marriage for both of you. Have the two of you done anything special lately like have a date night? Spending time together can help bring back the romance, which will then lead to other aspects of romance that you are desiring.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Tell him how you feel. Tell him some of the things you would like to with him. 

I would want my wife to share her desires with me. Too bad that I am not a mind reader. 

Maybe your husband is not a mind reader also.


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## SunshineLady (Oct 14, 2013)

I have talked to him about wanting him to initiate and his response is always if i want some i know where to get it. When i tried to explain what i want is for him to want it, he says he does want it, but never does anything to really show that. Im not sure how to say it to make him understand the difference


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## TikiKeen (Oct 14, 2013)

Sounds like he's gotten a little lazy...


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

SunshineLady said:


> Hello,
> This is my first post here. Hoping to get some advice. Little back story My husband and I have been married 5 years together 7 2 kids. He works a lot of hours, while I stay home with the kids.Overall we have a great marriage. Our sex life has always been pretty bland, but we were alteast having sex once a week. Over the last few years sex has went down to once a month then once every few months, and when we do, I usually have to wake him up when i come to bed. He says its because our schedules are off, so its hard. I feel like he just doesn't desire me, like he doesn't want to have sex with me. If i initiate it, he doesn't turn me down, he just never starts anything. I want and need to feel desired by him, I have never in my life met a man that didn't want or need sex. I've never met a man that didn't get hard pretty quickly upon touching ect... So the only thing i can come up with is it must be me? Anyone gone through this? Or have any advise? I've tried to casually bringing this up with him, but his response is just wake him up and he will give me sex. He doesn't understand, that i don't just want sex for the final result but more of the process and knowing he wants/needs/desires me. I don't know what to do at this point. Any help would be greatly appreciated.



Perhaps your hubby was really a low sex drive guy and he finally became his true self?

Most men will never turn down sex with their gf or wife. Even if they work long hours, nothing beats that closeness.

Either he is seeing someone at work or he's viewing porn or he doesn't find you as attractive anymore. These all are possibilities.

He may just be a passive guy. That means, he wants you to be the aggressor and initiate sex. Simple as that.

If he is viewing porn and relieving himself 1x week, I doubt its that little. He could be chatting it up with another lady for all you know.


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## WalterWhite (Sep 14, 2012)

SunShine Lady, he is cheating on you by getting off with porn. This is perhaps the #1 reason he is not hungry to screw with you. You are not being wise to condone his porn habit. Being the "cool" wife is being the foolish wife. He is cheating and giving his best to women made of pixels. It is cheating because someone else, even an image on a screen, is getting him off. The cool liberal folks think that his masterbating to pixel ****s is no big deal. I find it a massively bad thing for a marriage. Gosh, personally I'd rather make love and get off with my wife then some **** made of pixels. What he is doing is not healthy for a marriage and not normal.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

We have some similarities in our stories. I came to a point a few months ago where I was extremely blunt with nh husband about our sex life. Prior to this I never felt he was open to talking about it. Like you are saying - we were having sex the exact same way, same order each time. It was me doing the work. He would initiate but this would mean he would get me interested and then was doing no more.

He said he knew he had become lazy but was fine to go along with the status quo and I was never telling him how frustrated I was with the whole thing.

First of.all your husband needs to understand where you are coming from very clearly. You need to be blunt and hold no punches. You say you don't want to hurt his pride or to think he isn't good enough - well hes not being good enough! What if your situations were reversed and you were hurting your husband and ruining his self esteem and starving him in this way - would you want to know before things got to a very serious point?

When he clearly understands what is going on then he has the choice to change or not. You will not be able to change his course. Only he can do that and hopefully he will.


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## WalterWhite (Sep 14, 2012)

Miss Scarlett, it is not fair to put 100% of the burden on the husband Sex is a team endeavor, and BOTH parties have the equal burden to suggest ways to spice things up. I'm so glad my wife does not do as you suggest. If she did, I would no longer be married to her. We BOTH come up with ways to spice things up. If she placed that 100% on me, well, she is not that type of person. She is a great wife.


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