# please help!



## ugh (Jul 6, 2012)

ok so here it goes, my wife and i have been togeather for 8 years, married for 3. we were stuck at the hip for the whole time, if she wasnt home i couldnt sleep, and she couldnt eather. well she went out of town for work, everything was normal when she left. when she got back it was like a 180, didnt want to be around me, wouldnt kiss me, wouldnt tell me she loved me...nothing at the same time she started talking to a co worker ALL THE TIME i mean ALL the time, texting in the car, fb all night once she was home, text, fb, skype, the im's at work....well after a few weeks of this i broke down and basicly told her i thought she was cheating on me. she swore she wasnt and things started to get alittle better....but i still had it in my mind that she was cheating ( and btw i am WAAAYYY not a jellous person) well a month or 2 later i found some msgs on fb bascily having cyber sex with the guy she works with....i fliped out and way devistated. she couldnt give me a reason and just kept saying she didnt know why....she also told me that while she was out of town this"guy" told her he liked her ans she says he tryed to kiss her and she stoped him( i dont know if i beleve that)....i told her to find a new job and she said she didnt want to and that it would never happen again, i finaly said ok but NO contact with the guy. i cought her talking to him a few tims but never anything bad, i still freaked out alittle and she said she was sorry.....again.....a few months down the road her job pays for the both of us to go where this guy is, she goes out a day before me for work and calls me ans says she is going to a bar with some co workers but wanted to tell me the guy was gonna be there but she just wanted to tell me to be honest i was mad but thanked her for being honest with me and the next day i was there....we had a great time everyhting was good. about a month after we get back i start getting this weird feeling that somethings wrong, well i check her im"s and find the exact same thing!!!!! again she tells me she doesnt know what she was thinking she is seeing a councler and wants to be with me but the trust is gone, i told her to eather find a new job or im leaving. she says ok. that was about a month ago....since then she asked if she could stay till a class is over that her boss paid for...i said ok.....then it was i want to stay till this other thing......im starting to get mad but say ok......but it doesnt seem like she is looking for a job and its driving me crazy i have even emailed her jobs and she just keeps telling me she isnt going to take another job if she is making less. she loves the job she is at now and im not sure she will leave it.....i love her to death and want nothing more than to be with her but im a wreck thinking about the fact that she still may be talking to this guy....im scared to death that she is going to make be do something i dont want to do and leave......i just dont know how to get her to understand......she crys all the time for what she has done and i really do feel that she is sorry...i just dont know what to do.....i cant live like this forever....i have a deadline in my head that i gave her but i dont want to tell her that because i want her to want to find a new job to fix this....i dont want to feel like im forcing her to do it......what do i do!! o and we are closing on a new house in 2 weeks!......im so lost and heartbroken from all this....i was always the guy that never stressed out about anyhting and just let everything roll off my back and ever since this everything stresses me out, i lay awake at night trying not to cry because im scared my marriage is over....im not ready to give up but i just feel like im the only one trying to fix things


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## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

A marriage can survive income problems, a marriage can survive a whole host of problems, but what a marriage can not survive is having a third party (in your case the Other Man <OM>) involved in the relationship. 

There are a few steps you need to take. First and foremost, she needs to break all contact with the OM, write a No Contact (NC) letter, that you review and mail, and become 100% transparent with all of her accounts. This includes bank, cell phone, face book, IMs, anything and everything. 

She also needs to file her two week notice at this job ASAP. As I mention above, you guys can survive a hit to income, but you cant survive having the OM involved in your marriage.

Insists that she see an individual counselor on a regular basis. Once you feel that she has made some progress, begin attending couples counseling together. 

If you want to save your relationship, you will need to do things that seem hard. You must risk resentment from her, by insisting that she quits the job, goes to IC, maintains transparency and NC, and eventually goes to couples counseling with you to work on the marriage.

I would highly recommend that you be the sole owner listed on the title of the new home. You can always add her later if things improve.

You will need to verify if she is keeping to the no contact rules. In order to do that, you must buy a few voice activated recorders (VARs) and velcro one to the under side of the drivers seat of her car, and place one in an area of the house that she frequents. You should also install Mobile Spy on her cellphone and some type of monitoring software on the house computers and her lap top (if she has one).

Educate yourself by reading through this forum. I will post a link to get you started:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...e-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html#post430739


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## ugh (Jul 6, 2012)

Paladin said:


> A marriage can survive income problems, a marriage can survive a whole host of problems, but what a marriage can not survive is having a third party (in your case the Other Man <OM>) involved in the relationship.
> 
> There are a few steps you need to take. First and foremost, she needs to break all contact with the OM, write a No Contact (NC) letter, that you review and mail, and become 100% transparent with all of her accounts. This includes bank, cell phone, face book, IMs, anything and everything.
> 
> ...


thanks for the reply, she has started seeing a councler and we have plans for me to go with her after they work on her some, i have already been looking at everyhting, the only thing i cant check is her phone at work and her work computer.....and since she works with the guy it just stresses me out more...she swears she isnt talking to him anymore and i went as far as to call the guy myself and basicly told him to eather go away or make some room for her because it was one or the other....o and i forgot to mention the last time i caught her haveing cyber sex it was on her work I.M. .....thats something her boss can look at.....i also told the OM that it would be easy for me to let her boss know about it since she would be looking for a new job anyway....so i would think that with the threat of him being fired would make him back off if nothing else...but then again....


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If the other man (OM) is married, inform his wife of the affair. He will be so busy trying to save his marriage that he'll most likley not bother your wife again. Plus his wife has the right to know.

Put a keylogger on any computers at home. YOu can use a VAR (voice activated recoreder) in her car... velcro it to the underside of the driver's seat. If she's still talking to him, driving to/from work would be a very likely time for this.


If she will not quit her job, our marriage really has no chance of survival.. so file for divorce if she refuses. Maybe then she will get that you are serious.


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## ugh (Jul 6, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> If the other man (OM) is married, inform his wife of the affair. He will be so busy trying to save his marriage that he'll most likley not bother your wife again. Plus his wife has the right to know.
> 
> Put a keylogger on any computers at home. YOu can use a VAR (voice activated recoreder) in her car... velcro it to the underside of the driver's seat. If she's still talking to him, driving to/from work would be a very likely time for this.
> 
> ...


the OM isnt or else i would have done that long ago, and she car pools to work with my mom since she doesnt have a car at the moment. but i have everyhting covered at home....its her work im worried about....i even found a new skype acct. she made and didnt tell me about at the same time i found everyhting else....this really sucks because i just dont know what to do.....the last thing i want is a divorce, it breaks my heart to even think about not being with her......but if it comes down to it i will....


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Your mge., is gonna be over, if she doesn't leave her job, YESTERDAY

How many chances are you gonna give her----you know deep in your gut, he has already been inside of her---how many times, who knows---they could be doing it everyday at lunch---you will never know, she ain't gonna tell you, and you let her stay

You should not close on this new house, you do not wanna be stuck with a big house payment, if you are forced to D.

She is making contact everyday she goes to work----The changes in her attitude toward you, as she swings back and forth, are covering her, as she has her little tryst

You better draw your line in the sand, and it needs to be done, right now----stop the crying, moaning, and groaning, and tell her straight out---her mge. or her lover, and she makes her decision NOW----do not let her argue, discuss, manipulate, sweet talk, threaten, cajole---nothing, nada, zip-----its you, or him, and she decides now!!!!!!!!


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## loze (Jul 6, 2012)

I'm sorry. This must be terrible.
This is unacceptable. You can't keep making excuses for her. 
You deserve to be respected. If nothing else you deserve the truth. She's lying to you - I'm sorry but you have to know that. i know you know it in your heart.
I dont know how i would deal with this but I think I would confront the 'other person'; another persons marriage is a no go zone and clearly she isnt being honest. She is probably telling him lies too. Call him and ask to meet. Dont be aggressive, explain that you just want some answers and ask him to do this confidentially. Explain that you are broken and you need the truth. If he is decent he'll tell you. If she finds out and gets pissed off dont worry. This isnt not your doing, yes she many be unhappy but this is not a mature way to deal with her marriage problems with you - she has to step up be honest and leave if that's what she wants. She can not have it both ways and you cant allow this to go on. You have a life, you dont deserve to be treated like an idiot. YOUR FEELINGS MATTER!
Bottom line is that if you leave her you'll be devastated for a long time but one day you'll see you have integrity and you WILL meet someone who upholds their promise to you not because they feel obliged but because they have integrity. 
I really believe that even if she quits she isn't doing it for the right reasons. You need to get out for a while, asses you feelings and then let her pursue you if thats what she wants, if she doesnt you could never have kept the marriage anyway. 
Im sorry but her actions must have consequences or it will just manifest in new areas. 
You seem like a loving nice person but dont be manipulated. Take a holiday. Join a club. Get your own life. She'll soon realise this other guy was a fantasy and your her husband but hopefully by then YOU see its too late and you are whole again.


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## ugh (Jul 6, 2012)

the OM is out of state...and i think if i met him in person i would go to jail so that not a good idea....im not trying to make excueses for her and i dont plan on being walked on. i just want to make sure i have done everyhting i can before i decide to leave....


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

jnj express said:


> Your mge., is gonna be over, if she doesn't leave her job, YESTERDAY
> 
> 
> You better draw your line in the sand, and it needs to be done, right now----*stop the crying, moaning, and groaning, and tell her straight out---her mge. or her lover, and she makes her decision NOW----do not let her argue, discuss, manipulate, sweet talk, threaten, cajole---nothing, nada, zip-----its you, or him, and she decides now!!!!!!!!*


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

ugh said:


> well she went out of town for work, everything was normal when she left. when she got back it was like a 180, didnt want to be around me, wouldnt kiss me, wouldnt tell me she loved me...nothing at the same time she started talking to a co worker ALL THE TIME i mean ALL the time, texting in the car, fb all night once she was home, text, fb, skype, the im's at work....


They had something physical while she was on that trip - probably a "one thing led to another" one night stand. And she liked it. That is why she acted so strange when she got home and that is why she is cyber sexing him now. She lies to you about hidden accounts to maintain contact with him. She does not want to leave her job because of him. Everything is centered around the OM and her relationship with him. You are not even an after thought. You have told her how this makes you feel and how it hurts you - but all she can say is "I don't know why".

After only 3 years of marriage, this a sign that she has now checked out of the marriage. She is addicted to the attention of other men. The feeling of OM chasing her is addictive - she enjoys it. When this happens, sex is the price that a woman pays to keep the feeling going.

Your marriage is over. 

Get out while you can.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Know this: begging, pleading, and crying for your marriage are a huge turn-off, she will find that absolutely repulsive. So don't even bother. 

It's time to find your self-respect. You do not deserve to be treated this way.


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## Monroe (Jun 21, 2012)

I guarantee she is still talking to this guy... she is just better about hiding it.

Start digging for more information (keep looking through her FB, Skype, etc and make copies of everything you find.)... and find out if this guy is married. If he is, expose him to his wife and the company they work for. Affairs will usually not end until the fantasy of the affair is gone.

Your wife is not remorseful... she is seriously playing you for a fool. Start the 180.


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## ugh (Jul 6, 2012)

So no one thinks this can be saved at all?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Heartbroke (May 6, 2010)

No one can tell you if it can be saved till you know all of the facts. One of the best pieces of advise I got from here was that if you truley love your family and wife you need to be prepared to lose it. I know its hard but while they think they can have their cake and eat it to, your screwed. I am still trying to R with my other half but without her being honest I wouldnt even be trying now.


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## ugh (Jul 6, 2012)

Thanks, I really feel like it can be saved and I know she wants to save it too....its like she just doesn't get the connection with her job....she has been working on everything else...its just like this is the one thing she just doesn't get. She knows if it happens again I'm out.....I tryed to leave this last time but didn't for some reason.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

ugh said:


> So no one thinks this can be saved at all?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Anything is possible - but....

She would have to come completely clean about what happened on that trip to change her so drastically.

She would have to feel real remorse for what she has done and is still doing.

She would have to realize why she did what she did and recommit to you and your marriage.

From what you have written all she is giving you are more lies and the "I don't know why I did/am doing this" speech.

The only way to get her out of her fog (I hate that term) is to file the D papers and show her that you are prepared to show her the road. Sometimes this will give a WS a huge dose of reality - sometimes it just makes them hide it better.

No one can predict what is going to happen with 100% accuracy.

One thing I can predict with 99% certainty is that if you sit around hoping for her to wake up and change on her own you are in for a long and painful road with no end in sight.


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

I wish I could read your post.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

Whether or not this can be saved depends on both of you. 
She has to be willing to do anything to save your marriage.
You have to be willing to take her back. You have no moral obligation to take her back. You are completely justified in walking away now.
However I sense the nice guy in you right now. There is a time to be a nice guy. When you know your wife is screwing another guy, is not a time to be a nice guy. It is not the time to give her the benefit of the doubt. It is time to man up, and draw your line in the sand. Either she goes NC with him or you get D papers drawn up (even if you don't want D) sit her down one night alone. Then you put them on the table and tell her do not ever talk to OM again or I leave. Tell her you want every detail about her affairs and that if she is lying and you find out you will proceed with D. Tell her that if anything has happened she needs to come clean now or this is what it will take for R. 
Every lie she tells start writing on the paper.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

To the Original Poster,

All the advice /suggestions given here so far sound good to me.
But you must first understand that your wife is under the influence of what these guys on the forum call " the fog."

She is on a high 24/7.

Sometimes in a reltionship you may never know exactly what the other person in your arms is thinking. Given the right conditions some people WILL CHEAT .
If you think the marriage is salvageable then by all means follow the steps the
" veterans" on this forum have outlined ,and it may improve your chance of success.
The important thing is knowing how to " play your cards."


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Ugh:

I agree with all the other posts. As a betrayed spouse you need to get tough and if that doesn't work, file for divorce. 

Your wife seems to have had sex with this man. That is why she was cold and distant when she returned. 

She felt guilty and was having difficulty processing it when with you. Also, she felt and attachment and loyalty to the other man. 

Your wife best quit her job immediately, if not sooner, there is no excuse for staying there after what she did. 

Marriages can survive this, but you are in the fog about the marriage and she is in the fog about the illicit relationship.

Affairs are addictive. You need to keep her away from her cocaine.


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