# Desperate for help in getting through this



## SAP (Apr 17, 2013)

I need to get a few second opinions, perhaps just a different perspective to help me through this. Recently my husband and I both engaged in infidelity, decided to forgive one another, learn from it and continue with life together. In doing so, we established a list of boundaries for our relationship. What's driving me bonkers is that he has a child from a previous relationship and the relationship he has with the child's mother teeter-todders on the boundaries we've established for one another. I sound like a crazy lady telling him he has to minimize how much he talks to his child's mother, but at the same time, given recent infidelities and my own insecurities, I see there is way too much room for a boundary to be crossed. I don't particular feel like they need to be "friends"; civil and cordial yes but not have a friendship in which they talk freely. On top of this, he feels I need not be involved in every conversation they have about his child, which I've helped to raise since he was an infant (he's 5 years old now). So I feel left out, which adds to my insecurities. I understand that drama in the past has made him feel like he needs to have that separation (which is a whole 'nother post in and of itself) but that separation is causing me a lot of frustration and insecurity, given recent infidelities. 

Can anyone offer advice in how to handle this? Since we established the boundaries list, we seemed to be doing better. But as of lately, her phone calls seemed to increase. He says it b/c she wants to speak to their son and I don't doubt that. I just see him on the phone laughing it up with her too, having what looks like a connection that if I were having with another man would be major grounds for divorce.

Desperate for help in getting through this....thanks in advance for any and all advice!

SAP


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

Can you give some some background regarding the infidelity on both part´s. And his EXWW. Like have the always had close contact?
Relationship in general between you 2


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## SAP (Apr 17, 2013)

Yes, certainly.
I had an emotional affair with some sexual acts (kissing). Physical lasted 3 days; emotional, one month or so. He had a sexual encounter as well, that almost but did not end in sex. He says it happened once.

His relationship with my stepson's mom has not always been a close one. When she got pregnant they were not in a relationship, so that caused a lot of drama b/c he chose to date me instead during the time. So all throughout the child's infancy, all up until he was 2.5yrs old, communication has been very basic and solely about the needs of the child. Transactional, if you will. Vs friendly chatting about the child. 
Its not that I want them to not have a good, working parenting relationship, but again I just don't feel like they need to establish a "friendship" to do that. Esp since they didn't talk as much when the child was an infant, which IS the time you'd think they'd talk more b/c he couldn't speak for himself. And also since one of our boundaries is not communicating with someone we had intimacy with or an interest in at some point in past. I feel like I'm being held to boundaries that he doesn't have to be. I understand he has to talk to her b/c they have a child. But it doesn't take away from the fact that I have to deal with sharing my husband's energy with another woman; let me do that, he'll be asking for a D. What I've asked him is to be mindful of is how easily it can be a cross in boundaries that he actually established.

Hope this helps.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

I'm going to go out on a limb here. While I totally understand that both of you messed up pretty badly here, I wonder if you both have been 100% honest and truthful with each other.

We don't know you, so you never have to minimize anything here. It's best to always just get it out.

You had "an emotional affair with some sexual acts (kissing)".

Really? Adults taking 3 days of kissing?

There wasn't more?

(trust me there's a method to my madness in asking)


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## SAP (Apr 17, 2013)

SomedayDig said:


> I'm going to go out on a limb here. While I totally understand that both of you messed up pretty badly here, I wonder if you both have been 100% honest and truthful with each other.
> 
> We don't know you, so you never have to minimize anything here. It's best to always just get it out.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SAP (Apr 17, 2013)

Someday...yes, 3 days of spending time together. Ran into an associate from past and started catching up on life, sharing his challenges with divorce and mine with my marriage. We spent time together for a couple of hours over a weekend, and he flew back home. No, we didn't have sex but were intimate (kissing, holding one another). He definitely wanted to have sex, I did too. But couldn't bring myself to go that far.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

SAP said:


> _Posted via Mobile Device_


SAP, do you feel guilty about the start of your relationship?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

I guess I should have asked this in my previous post, but do you believe he didn't have sex with his affair partner?

The reason I'm asking is that might be an underlying issue that is holding your brain hostage, especially when he's talking with his ex-wife.

Trust was broken on both ends here. One party is hard enough to deal with but this is both of ya who betrayed.

Now...if you guys established boundaries and he isn't truly adhering to them with the excuse that he HAS to talk to his ex because of the children, well...that isn't gonna fly and it most certainly isn't fair.

You're in a pretty pickle here SAP. I feel for ya's. Both.


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## SAP (Apr 17, 2013)

The affair? Yes. I always want and wanted my husband to be my all (my friend, lover, confidante, place of refuge). I never wanted to get that attention and desire from another man. It happened though. I'm not proud of it at all.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SAP (Apr 17, 2013)

SomedayDig said:


> I guess I should have asked this in my previous post, but do you believe he didn't have sex with his affair partner?
> 
> The reason I'm asking is that might be an underlying issue that is holding your brain hostage, especially when he's talking with his ex-wife.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SAP (Apr 17, 2013)

I honestly don't know. I've tried forgetting about it as much as I can, the actual act, I mean.

As for his child's mother, they were never married. Never even had a committed relationship. I know he's in a tough spot because he wants to keep peace and in order for him not to drug through court again, he's trying to make her feel comfortable in being able to speak to the chid freely, which I have no qualms with. Its when they are conversing about a child, who I'm expected to treat as mh own without any ounce of separation (because we have a child in our marriage) yet I'm not honored as his 2nd mom, in being included in conversations. I know this isn't the right thread for that part, I'm just venting.

But how can I communicate to him that he is walking a tight rope because of our recent past. And I do believe its unfair.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

SAP said:


> But how can I communicate to him that he is walking a tight rope because of our recent past. And I do believe its unfair.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Just like that. The main thing is to try not to be confrontational with your communication.

"Jack, while I understand that you have to talk to Sally about little Jack, I need you to hear me when I say it hurts me to hear the way you talk to her at times. Considering what we're going through, I think it's best if you just keep things impersonal with her."

That's about the best I can think of. I hope it helps in some small way.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

Nope. Not good. About 3 months before I married my H, he was doing this exact same thing with his baby's mama who lives 20 hours away. Slow increases in phone calls, giving me guilt trips when I asked why he was having any conversation with her. He always told me I was just worrying for nothing and he needs to talk to her about what's going on with his daughter. So I believed and trusted him. 

Eventually what was half and hour turned into 3 hour talks while I was at my second job. I would come home and they would still be on the phone. I would get ticked off but I didn't want to step my foot into what seemed to be their business.

On the way to our wedding across the country, we went to go visit his daughter for a week. I was pregnant at the time and "was not allowed to be around the daughter or her family" so I was cast out and forced to stay in my hotel the entire time sick as a dog. 

Needless to say, what happened that entire time was a rub and tug between the my fiancé (now H) and ex-GF. Her family knew what their "plans" were for each other. They all knew he was engaged and that I was pregnant. But they were supporting the relationship being built between them. While I was clueless sitting in that dark hotel room. 

So, is this normal for your H to be doing this? No it's not


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

You chose to date a man who was expecting a baby with another woman...sorry but this just comes with the territory. 

You are the step-parent. Unless you are wanting to be on the line during those calls (which I think would be a ridiculous request), I think you need to calm down about it until you are actually given a reason to not be calm. 

You both messed up but that has ZERO to do with the mother of your husbands child. 

So they get along now...you know what, in life, it is always better to have good friendly relationships with the people you share children with. It is better for his son if his parents are friendly. That doesn't mean lines are being crossed. They can have conversations where laughing ensues and it doesn't mean anything other than two parents commiserating.


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## SAP (Apr 17, 2013)

Thanks everyone for your advice. I've gained a lot of perspective.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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