# How do I calm him down??



## xBaby-Louisex (Nov 1, 2010)

I cheated on my man and he left me. It's been months but he's still so angry at me for it. How can I try and calm him down??, how can I make him listen to what I have to say when he won't even talk to me without telling me to f*** off??,:-(. Please help me.


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## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

Not much. Take it from me, he needs to get this out of him without being forced. I'm in the same boat right now. Don't want nothing from her right now- not even HER remorse. Just too damn mad!


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Most of us here have been the victim of a cheater. Please do not be offended if you find little sympathy. Is this your husband or boyfriend? You only refer to him as "your man". I do not even know how to describe into words the pain that is caused by this type of betrayal. You can imagine but you cannot know. The best thing is to let him be angry. He needs to go through the grieving process and you pursuing him makes things worse. If he wants to be left alone, leave him alone. Dont call, dont chase, dont beg, dont email, dont stalk him online. Give him distance. Give him time to cool off. What you did to him by cheating was inexcusable. Actions have consequences, now you need to accept that. However, in time, your man may come around and he may want to talk to you. But then again, he may not. No guarantees.


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## xBaby-Louisex (Nov 1, 2010)

ahhhmaaaan! said:


> Not much. Take it from me, he needs to get this out of him without being forced. I'm in the same boat right now. Don't want nothing from her right now- not even HER remorse. Just too damn mad!


Yeah but it's been months,:-(. He left me back in July. I love him so much, I really do,:-(. I just don't know what to do because it's tearing me apart being without him and he knows it. He says he doesn't believe how I felt about him before he left, But I told him, if I didn't love him then I would of walked away when he did. But I am still trying to fight for him, and taking every knock back along the way and getting up again. I know he still has feelings for me, but I think he's just scared of being hurt again. What do I do??, :-(.


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## xBaby-Louisex (Nov 1, 2010)

AppleDucklings said:


> Most of us here have been the victim of a cheater. Please do not be offended if you find little sympathy. Is this your husband or boyfriend? You only refer to him as "your man". I do not even know how to describe into words the pain that is caused by this type of betrayal. You can imagine but you cannot know. The best thing is to let him be angry. He needs to go through the grieving process and you pursuing him makes things worse. If he wants to be left alone, leave him alone. Dont call, dont chase, dont beg, dont email, dont stalk him online. Give him distance. Give him time to cool off. What you did to him by cheating was inexcusable. Actions have consequences, now you need to accept that. However, in time, your man may come around and he may want to talk to you. But then again, he may not. No guarantees.


Thank you for your comment. I am not looking for sympathy, I'm just looking for advice. I know what it feels like to be cheated on, when I was 14, my boyfriend at the time cheated on me and left me.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

xBaby-Louisex said:


> Thank you for your comment. I am not looking for sympathy, I'm just looking for advice. I know what it feels like to be cheated on, when I was 14, my boyfriend at the time cheated on me and left me.


So, if you already knew what it felt like and you already knew the pain it would cause, why did you do it then? I would like to know because my cheating husband said he knew it would hurt me but he did it anyways and he can never give me a good reason as to why.


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## KathyGriffinFan (Apr 4, 2011)

Your man meaning husband or boyfriend?

And not to be sarcastic, this is an honest question, if you loved him so much, why'd you cheat?


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## xBaby-Louisex (Nov 1, 2010)

AppleDucklings said:


> So, if you already knew what it felt like and you already knew the pain it would cause, why did you do it then? I would like to know because my cheating husband said he knew it would hurt me but he did it anyways and he can never give me a good reason as to why.


Because my boyfriend when I was 14, when he cheated on me and left me, I didn't do anything, I accepted it, I acted like it didn't bother me much. Although I was hurt and that, I didn't do anything, I tried getting hin back but he had made his choice and he would of rather of been with her than me. Plus, I knew it was going to happen brfore it did anyway, so in a way, I was prepared. Basically, I think that because I did nothing when he cheated on me, that it's made me think that I should expect everyone to be just like I was. I am easily forgiving. Then, when I was on the rebound from that ex, I got with another guy to try and make him jealous, that relationship lasted 2 and a half years, but I cheated on my boyfriend at the time numerous times, reason being- Because everytime I admitted to cheating, he took me back, and he said these words to me 'I don't care what you do or with who, do what you want, as long as I have you, I don't mind.' So him saying that made me think it was ok to cheat on him even more. After 2 and a bit years, I met my man, we were talking by text for a good few months, and even then, when I didn't know what he looked like, I had fallen for him. Because I cheated, my man thinks that I never loved him.

Sometimes people cheat and they don't mean to, it just sometimes takes over and you can't think straight, temptation sometimes gets the better of you. Have you properly sat down and spoken to your husband about it all??, and told him how you felt when you found out he did it and that??
I'm not going to say 'Once a cheater, always a cheater' because people can and do change.- I have.


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## xBaby-Louisex (Nov 1, 2010)

KathyGriffinFan said:


> Your mean meaning husband or boyfriend?
> 
> And not to be sarcastic, this is an honest question, if you loved him so much, why'd you cheat?


I cheated because I was childish, and I couldn't break an old habit. I cheated a lot on the boyfriend before him and got taken back everytime.- I guess I expected every guy to be like him.

I am not proud of what I did. Infact, I hate myself every day for cheating.


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

Sorry, you sound like a nice person, but I think you are being selfish about this. You lost the privilage of being with "your man" by cheating on him. 

You don't have a clue what he feels like. That 14yo crap is nothing. If you are grown and have spent anytime with him.....or had kids....he's probably had a gun in his mouth at some point since July. Thats what it's like when you've been married a while, and have kids.

But you sound like you 18-22ish.


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## xBaby-Louisex (Nov 1, 2010)

it-guy said:


> Sorry, you sound like a nice person, but I think you are being selfish about this. You lost the privilage of being with "your man" by cheating on him.
> 
> You don't have a clue what he feels like. That 14yo crap is nothing. If you are grown and have spent anytime with him.....or had kids....he's probably had a gun in his mouth at some point since July. Thats what it's like when you've been married a while, and have kids.
> 
> But you sound like you 18-22ish.


I am 19.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

it-guy said:


> Sorry, you sound like a nice person, but I think you are being selfish about this. You lost the privilage of being with "your man" by cheating on him.
> 
> You don't have a clue what he feels like. That 14yo crap is nothing. If you are grown and have spent anytime with him.....or had kids....he's probably had a gun in his mouth at some point since July. Thats what it's like when you've been married a while, and have kids.
> 
> But you sound like you 18-22ish.


:iagree: My thoughts exactly. I dont care about what happened at 14. That means crap.


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## xBaby-Louisex (Nov 1, 2010)

AppleDucklings said:


> :iagree: My thoughts exactly. I dont care about what happened at 14. That means crap.


Yeah well I was just explaining why I think I cheated.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Well, maybe this is the time in your life when you stop 'what you've always done' and grow up. Learn from the consequences you are now getting from your wrong actions. 

Or maybe just consider this is your karma catching up with you. It happens. 

What makes a difference is whether you learn from your mistake and come out the other end a better person who DOESN'T cheat on the person they supposedly love.


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## xBaby-Louisex (Nov 1, 2010)

turnera said:


> Well, maybe this is the time in your life when you stop 'what you've always done' and grow up. Learn from the consequences you are now getting from your wrong actions.
> 
> Or maybe just consider this is your karma catching up with you. It happens.
> 
> What makes a difference is whether you learn from your mistake and come out the other end a better person who DOESN'T cheat on the person they supposedly love.


I have grown up now and I have learnt from my mistakes. I won't cheat on anyone. Him leaving was the hardest thing I have ever had to go through. Seeing him hurt made me change my ways, it made me realise that I should of controlled myself.

My infidelity was cyber cheating.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Good luck to you, Baby Louise. We all do hope you have learned your lesson. No offense meant but when you are in your 30's to 40's like most of us and have been married 15 or more years, what happened to someone in their love at 14 holds no ground.


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## xBaby-Louisex (Nov 1, 2010)

AppleDucklings said:


> Good luck to you, Baby Louise. We all do hope you have learned your lesson. No offense meant but when you are in your 30's to 40's like most of us and have been married 15 or more years, what happened to someone in their love at 14 holds no ground.


Thank you. No offence taken.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

As someone who has cheated on their marriage... If I would have got found out, I would not have expected any sympathy or forgiveness from my wife. As others have said, that can be the price for stepping outside the relationship. All you can do is give him time and space, show him that you're truly sorry, and if he feels he can forgive you, you can try to make things work. But if he doesn't, all you can do is move on with your life.

C


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

NOBODY wants to feel pressured to stay in a relationship, NOBODY. Pressure is a sure fire way of repulsing the object of your affection. Needy people repulse, strong people attract.

Instead of pleading, promising, threatening, your man, try to build yourself to be the person you want to be, not as a tool to manipulate others, bu so that at the end of the day, you can look at yourself in the mirror and feel good about who you are.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

fwiw, Louise - and I tell this to EVERYONE - 19 is too young to be in a serious relationship anyway. You are NOT done maturing and growing and changing. You just aren't. I can dig up national news stories that prove that the human brain doesn't stop developing all its synapses (which create what you believe, your morals, what you want out of life) until around the age of 25. 

So...if you pick a guy who you say you're madly in love with at age 17 or 18, and you make all your life decisions to fit being with that person, and you wake up one day at 24 or 27 or 30 and you're stuck with someone with whom you now have nothing in common, and now you have 2 or 3 kids so you can't just end it...would you not have been better off remaining single and just dating for fun til you were at least 23 or 24 and THEN starting to look seriously for a good mate?

You remind me of the age-old saying: "Hire a teenager, while they still know everything."

fwiw, my daughter is 20. And she would agree with me. She's been single for a year and a half and couldn't care less - she's too busy studying in college and trying to raise her GPA so she can get into a prestigious graduate program. Guys keep asking her out, asking her why she doesn't 'pick' a boyfriend, and she tells them she doesn't want to have to mess with them when she's got so much other stuff to do.

Have you ever considered focusing on planning and developing your future for YOU, and putting boys on the backburner in the meantime? Just dating guys for fun?


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

Going to back up Turnera on this, I've read the same articles about the maturing brain... all true.

Take this time to focus on yourself and who you want to be as a person. If I could put my 40-year-old brain in my 19-year-old body... I'd date more and focus on finding a fulfilling career. Probably wouldn't change my college experience, those were some fun times. 

Realize he's no longer "your man" and let him live his life while you live yours. Then maybe some day, after you've both experienced more of life, you'll find your way back to each other again. 

I had a friend who cheated on her boyfriend freshman year of college. They had been each other's firsts and together for two years. She had to confess because she picked up an STD. Needless to say, they broke up. Fast forward years later and post college graduation, they ended up dating again and getting married. 

Enjoy your youth and learn from every experience, good and bad.


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## xBaby-Louisex (Nov 1, 2010)

PBear said:


> As someone who has cheated on their marriage... If I would have got found out, I would not have expected any sympathy or forgiveness from my wife. As others have said, that can be the price for stepping outside the relationship. All you can do is give him time and space, show him that you're truly sorry, and if he feels he can forgive you, you can try to make things work. But if he doesn't, all you can do is move on with your life.
> 
> C


How do I show him I'm truly sorry??, I have said it many times but he doesn't believe me. What can I do to make him see that I really do mean it??


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## xBaby-Louisex (Nov 1, 2010)

morituri said:


> NOBODY wants to feel pressured to stay in a relationship, NOBODY. Pressure is a sure fire way of repulsing the object of your affection. Needy people repulse, strong people attract.
> 
> Instead of pleading, promising, threatening, your man, try to build yourself to be the person you want to be, not as a tool to manipulate others, bu so that at the end of the day, you can look at yourself in the mirror and feel good about who you are.


I get what you're saying and I have tried to be the person I want to be, but then I just crumble again,:-(.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Baby Louise, as hard as this will be to hear, there is nothing more you can do. You have said sorry. You have shown remorse. But you can't make him want to forgive you. Cheating, whether emotional or physical is the ultimate betrayal that cuts it's victims very, very deeply. The best thing to do now, is to step back and give him his space. This will give him time to cool down, time to think and maybe with time, he will be open to talking to you again. I hope it works out for you.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

xBaby-Louisex said:


> I get what you're saying and I have tried to be the person I want to be, but then I just crumble again,:-(.


ALL of us have to live with the consequences of our actions. We don't have a magic wand to undo what we've done. To move on with our lives, we have to make peace with the fact that we have no control over the actions of others, only our own.

Use this time to seek professional help to address and resolve the issues that have made you a serial cheater. If you don't then this is going to be one more in a series of failed relationships with more to come later on.

Good luck.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

take your lesson and all of it's pain and allow it to help you grow into the person you are going to be... 

Your relationship with him is likely over. But, you have learned an important lesson. Thank him in your heart, Move on. Grow. You will be Ok.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

> Use this time to seek professional help to address and resolve the issues that have made you a serial cheater. If you don't then this is going to be one more in a series of failed relationships with more to come later on.


Right. 

And you'll wake up when you're 40, having gone through 3 or 4 husbands who leave you after you rip their heart out, and you'll still be alone.

This isn't about him, Louise. It's about you. 

A man doesn't define you. Did you read what I said earlier?


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

No one actually stays that angry for that long. It devolves into brooding resentment. He's not mad at you, he's punishing you. BIG BIG difference. It's not anger, it's hate.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

xBaby-Louisex said:


> How do I show him I'm truly sorry??, I have said it many times but he doesn't believe me. What can I do to make him see that I really do mean it??


Couple things... If you've done what you can to show him, through actions and words, then there may not be anything else you can do. He either will accept and believe that, or he won't. You can't MAKE him believe.

Second, like others have said... It just may be over. He may not be willing to forgive you for what you've done. That's his perogative. And you may just need to accept that and move on.

Just because you want him back doesn't mean he'll ever want you back. I'm sorry to say that, but it's true. To some people, what you've done is unforgiveable, and it's simply the end of the relationship. So your best bet at this point is to start moving on with your life. If he wants to try to pick things up again, he will.

C


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

As you said, YOU forgave so you expect everyone else to forgive. 

Many, many people simply have no tolerance for being cheated on. Period.

And there's nothing you can do about 'making' them think differently.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Baby L, all you can do is move on. You cheated, have seen how wrong it was and apologized and that is all you can do. He doesn't want to be with you anymore and that is his choice. 

If you have already said sorry and expessed remorese and he hasn't responded to you, you can't do anything else. 

There is nothing else to see here. So move forward and in the future, don't cheat.


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## xBaby-Louisex (Nov 1, 2010)

turnera said:


> Right.
> 
> And you'll wake up when you're 40, having gone through 3 or 4 husbands who leave you after you rip their heart out, and you'll still be alone.
> 
> ...


Yes I read what you said earlier.


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## xBaby-Louisex (Nov 1, 2010)

Runs like Dog said:


> No one actually stays that angry for that long. It devolves into brooding resentment. He's not mad at you, he's punishing you. BIG BIG difference. It's not anger, it's hate.


How can I try and make him come round and stop hating me though??


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## xBaby-Louisex (Nov 1, 2010)

PBear said:


> Couple things... If you've done what you can to show him, through actions and words, then there may not be anything else you can do. He either will accept and believe that, or he won't. You can't MAKE him believe.
> 
> Second, like others have said... It just may be over. He may not be willing to forgive you for what you've done. That's his perogative. And you may just need to accept that and move on.
> 
> ...


I'm trying to move on but it just seems so difficult.


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## xBaby-Louisex (Nov 1, 2010)

turnera said:


> As you said, YOU forgave so you expect everyone else to forgive.
> 
> Many, many people simply have no tolerance for being cheated on. Period.
> 
> And there's nothing you can do about 'making' them think differently.


I wish I wasn't so forgiving but I can't help it. I can be evil but really, that's a cover up, really, I'm sweet, kind, loving and caring inside. I just have these weird outbursts of evil and do things that I don't really want to do and I end up hurting people I care about as a result of it. I don't know why it happens, it just does and it's been like this for years now. When I'm really happy, something I don't mean to do always messes it up. It's like I'm not meant to be happy,:-(.


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## xBaby-Louisex (Nov 1, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> Baby L, all you can do is move on. You cheated, have seen how wrong it was and apologized and that is all you can do. He doesn't want to be with you anymore and that is his choice.
> 
> If you have already said sorry and expessed remorese and he hasn't responded to you, you can't do anything else.
> 
> There is nothing else to see here. So move forward and in the future, don't cheat.


He has said to me that somehow he has seen no remorse from me for what I have done.


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## MisguidedMiscreant (Dec 28, 2010)

Work on you, that's all you can do, you seem to have a grasp on why you cheated, work through that. He has to work on himself, he's probably going deal with the trust issues, self-esteem, and anger. After you've worked on yourselves, you can then work on a relationship whether romantic or platonic.

By the by, did you confess or did he discover?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

xBaby-Louisex said:


> How can I try and make him come round and stop hating me though??


Hmm that's a tough one. What do you think? Does he believe you've come clean completely? If yes then you have to tell him in no uncertain terms that the past is the past and we can't de-invent ourselves. You can apologize from the depths of your heart and either he accepts that or he doesn't. But in the end, if your relationship is broken it's broken. You have to convince him that being hateful no matter how he feels justified isn't going to fix anything. You're both stuck because of it. Is that what he wants? Just to be hateful? 

If I were a psychotherapist I'd say your husband is stuck in Kubler-Ross phase of grief. I think that's what he's experiencing, a stage of grieving. He has to move past that. You can help him with that by calmly explaining to him he's GOT to move forward, one way or another. Either up or out. But in any case 'this' isn't doing anything except for being toxic and horrible.


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## xBaby-Louisex (Nov 1, 2010)

MisguidedMiscreant said:


> Work on you, that's all you can do, you seem to have a grasp on why you cheated, work through that. He has to work on himself, he's probably going deal with the trust issues, self-esteem, and anger. After you've worked on yourselves, you can then work on a relationship whether romantic or platonic.
> 
> By the by, did you confess or did he discover?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Unfortunately, he discovered it. I had a virus on my laptop and he was going to get rid of it for me, so I gave it to him to work on overnight and he got curious because of my past and curiousity got the better of him. He looked at my saved msn conversations and read every single one between me and a guy I used to like in the past. Late that night/early morning, I recieved a text from him saying 'I think we need to talk.' I freaked out realising what he had discovered and I started saying sorry a lot and I said 'Please don't leave me' and all that. That night, he ended it with me through text. He has never actually told me in person that it's over. He has only told me via text or facebook mail or msn.


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## xBaby-Louisex (Nov 1, 2010)

Runs like Dog said:


> Hmm that's a tough one. What do you think? Does he believe you've come clean completely? If yes then you have to tell him in no uncertain terms that the past is the past and we can't de-invent ourselves. You can apologize from the depths of your heart and either he accepts that or he doesn't. But in the end, if your relationship is broken it's broken. You have to convince him that being hateful no matter how he feels justified isn't going to fix anything. You're both stuck because of it. Is that what he wants? Just to be hateful?
> 
> If I were a psychotherapist I'd say your husband is stuck in Kubler-Ross phase of grief. I think that's what he's experiencing, a stage of grieving. He has to move past that. You can help him with that by calmly explaining to him he's GOT to move forward, one way or another. Either up or out. But in any case 'this' isn't doing anything except for being toxic and horrible.


He doesn't believe I have come clean completely because my story doesn't fully match up tp the conversations he read. He read stuff in a different context than the one they were meant in. I don't know what he wants. To be honest, I just think he does still have feelings for me. It would explain why he doesn't meet up with me anymore and why he's being so angry with me because whenever we meet up (Since he left) he had always ended up letting it slip that he still has feelings for me. The reason why he's so angry is either because he is still hurting from what I did, or it could be that he is trying to cover up his feelings- Turning love into hate because he's scared of being hurt again.


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## MisguidedMiscreant (Dec 28, 2010)

xBaby-Louisex said:


> Unfortunately, he discovered it. I had a virus on my laptop and he was going to get rid of it for me, so I gave it to him to work on overnight and he got curious because of my past and curiousity got the better of him. He looked at my saved msn conversations and read every single one between me and a guy I used to like in the past. Late that night/early morning, I recieved a text from him saying 'I think we need to talk.' I freaked out realising what he had discovered and I started saying sorry a lot and I said 'Please don't leave me' and all that. That night, he ended it with me through text. He has never actually told me in person that it's over. He has only told me via text or facebook mail or msn.


Damn and he was helping you too but he's still communicating with you, right?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## xBaby-Louisex (Nov 1, 2010)

MisguidedMiscreant said:


> Damn and he was helping you too but he's still communicating with you, right?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No, he isn't. He's so angry at the moment,:-(.


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## MisguidedMiscreant (Dec 28, 2010)

xBaby-Louisex said:


> No, he isn't. He's so angry at the moment,:-(.


Well, he will when he's ready but you have to face your fear and accept the certainty that it may be a while if he ever does. Continue to work on yourself so that you won't do this again and hope that you haven't "killed" the man you love.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## xBaby-Louisex (Nov 1, 2010)

MisguidedMiscreant said:


> Well, he will when he's ready but you have to face your fear and accept the certainty that it may be a while if he ever does. Continue to work on yourself so that you won't do this again and hope that you haven't "killed" the man you love.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thank you so much. .


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## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

All I can say is- You're too DAMN young to be going through this hell. At some point, you or he must decide on a conclusion to the matter. But, like I said, the ball is in his court right now.


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## xBaby-Louisex (Nov 1, 2010)

ahhhmaaaan! said:


> All I can say is- You're too DAMN young to be going through this hell. At some point, you or he must decide on a conclusion to the matter. But, like I said, the ball is in his court right now.


I know the ball is in his court right now. I just don't know what to do. What do I do??, I am so confused.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

xBaby-Louisex said:


> How can I try and make him come round and stop hating me though??


You can't "make" anyone anything. 



xBaby-Louisex said:


> I know the ball is in his court right now. I just don't know what to do. What do I do??, I am so confused.


You don't "do." You have already "done."

Chick, it's up to him now. You have already said your piece. I believe you said he ended it 7 months ago and hasn't been receptive to you at all. Move on.

You learned a hard lesson but a good one to learn.

And btw, I would give anything to be 19 again. Just for even a weekend. Man, that was the life! Sigh.

Now look at me getting all nostalgic for those days...


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

xBaby-Louisex said:


> I wish I wasn't so forgiving but I can't help it. I can be evil but really, that's a cover up, really, I'm sweet, kind, loving and caring inside. I just have these weird outbursts of evil and *do things that I don't really want to do *and I end up hurting people I care about as a result of it.* I don't know why it happens*, it just does and it's been like this for years now.



Ok I had to come back and respond to this.

No no no no no no no. You may have "outbursts" but everything you DO is because you WANT to do it. You said you "don't really want to" but that is more cover-up talk. Nobody "MADE" or "makes" you do anything, you go it? Nobody ever ever. You are 100% resonsible for your actions. It's not an outside force making you do it, not an imaginary devil on your shoulder whispering "Try it," not some malevolent force in your chest beckoning you towards danger/poor decisions. Until you learn this, you have a very long hard road ahead of you.

As for "not knowing why it happens"--again that is another BS excuse. It happened because you chose it, you decided it. Nothing less than that.

Start owning your actions, start being accountable. If not, you're going to have a lot of problems in life. For real.


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## xBaby-Louisex (Nov 1, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> Ok I had to come back and respond to this.
> 
> No no no no no no no. You may have "outbursts" but everything you DO is because you WANT to do it. You said you "don't really want to" but that is more cover-up talk. Nobody "MADE" or "makes" you do anything, you go it? Nobody ever ever. You are 100% resonsible for your actions. It's not an outside force making you do it, not an imaginary devil on your shoulder whispering "Try it," not some malevolent force in your chest beckoning you towards danger/poor decisions. Until you learn this, you have a very long hard road ahead of you.
> 
> ...


I honestly don't know why it happens, but it's just like my mate gets and he's Schizophrenic....


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## xBaby-Louisex (Nov 1, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> You can't "make" anyone anything.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


You say move on, like it's easy. It isn't easy. I have tried to move on but I can't. How long ago that he left doesn't matter...., he has told a few people that I know recently that he still has feelings for me but he's scared of being hurt again.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

You should be willing to put as much patience planning effort into fixing this mess as you did screwing it up. Put your power to good, not evil, girl.


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## xBaby-Louisex (Nov 1, 2010)

Runs like Dog said:


> You should be willing to put as much patience planning effort into fixing this mess as you did screwing it up. Put your power to good, not evil, girl.


I am willing to put in all I have for him.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

xBaby-Louisex said:


> I honestly don't know why it happens


This is a major problem. You haven't owned it yet. Stop deflecting the blame elsewhere. YOU did it. Nobody else. It happened because you decided it.



xBaby-Louisex said:


> You say move on, like it's easy. It isn't easy. I have tried to move on but I can't. How long ago that he left doesn't matter...


Baby L, I am a woman who just got divorced 2.5 weeks ago from my husband who I cheated on. My husband! He filed. I am older and wiser than you and can tell you that I made the stupidest choice of_ my life _ of which I will forever have to live with. I get to wear the Scarlet A forever, no matter what, no matter if I meet someone new and don't cheat, it will never change the fact that I cheated on my husband. It sucks. And this was almost a decade-long relationship. The cheating was NOT worth it. It is not easy to "move on." It's hard and every day helps a little bit but the pain of betraying someone is not something that is light. It's a cross to bear. A heavy one. It's a scar I inflicted on myself, of my own volition, that will never fade away. It will always be there. My story is a long one and I won't bore you with the details but again, it was a choice that _I_ made. Nobody *made* me do it. You need to understand that you made the choice to cheat. You and only you. 

I know it hurts you especially since it resulted in the end of your relationship but that was a consequence of your actions, as decided by your boyfriend. He may come around. He may not. In the interim, it's not up to you. You have messed up big time so try to LEARN from this. Repeating this again means you didn't learn a thing.


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## xBaby-Louisex (Nov 1, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> This is a major problem. You haven't owned it yet. Stop deflecting the blame elsewhere. YOU did it. Nobody else. It happened because you decided it.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I am not going to repeat it. Plus, the cheating wasn't entirely my fault. Basically, what happened was, a guy mate was masterbating on webcam to me. I looked away every time he tried showing me and I switched of his webcam. I must confess that I was a little encouraging sometimes by saying dirty things, but sometimes they weren't really aimed at him, they were just normal chat. Thing is, when my man found out, I got all the crap, but my mate didn't even get a talking to. My mate didn't suffer at all, he had a girlfriend but she has taken him back.

If roles were reversed and he did this to me, I would have a word with them both, not only my partner.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

xBaby-Louisex said:


> If roles were reversed and he did this to me, I would have a word with them both, not only my partner.


And that would be your choice. His choice was to break up w/ you. As for your mate's partner girlfriend, she made the choice to stick with him.


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## xBaby-Louisex (Nov 1, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> And that would be your choice. His choice was to break up w/ you. As for your mate's partner girlfriend, she made the choice to stick with him.


Yeah but it doesn't seem right, the fact that a guy was doing that over me and my man didn't have a problem with it enough to have a go at him or something.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

It may not seem right to you, but not everyone is the same. 

Funny, yeah?

I have some friends (a couple) that separated right with my hub did. She cheated on him. They worked it out. Still together. Been together as long as me and hubs were. So see, some folks decide to work it out, others don't.


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## xBaby-Louisex (Nov 1, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> It may not seem right to you, but not everyone is the same.
> 
> Funny, yeah?
> 
> I have some friends (a couple) that separated right with my hub did. She cheated on him. They worked it out. Still together. Been together as long as me and hubs were. So see, some folks decide to work it out, others don't.


I really do hope me and my man can work it out though,:-(. I love and miss him so much.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

xBaby-Louisex said:


> How can I try and make him come round and stop hating me though??


Louise, every single response to you has said this:

YOU CANNOT MAKE HIM DO ANYTHING. IF HE HASN'T CONTACTED YOU BY NOW, HE IS NOT COMING BACK. EVER.

So why do you keep asking it over and over again? You don't like the answer we're giving you, so you pretend we didn't, and ask again?

Do you see how odd that is?

We're not trying to be rude to you. We're trying to tell you - from our considerable amount of experience and knowledge, being much older than you and having been through a LOT more relationships than you - *he's not coming back*.


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## xBaby-Louisex (Nov 1, 2010)

turnera said:


> Louise, every single response to you has said this:
> 
> YOU CANNOT MAKE HIM DO ANYTHING. IF HE HASN'T CONTACTED YOU BY NOW, HE IS NOT COMING BACK. EVER.
> 
> ...


He has contacted me, numerous times. Plus, How do you know what is going on in his mind??, everyone is different!, You may be older and had more relationships than me, but that means nothing. I have learnt a lot in my life. I may be young but I might of been through more things than you. Do not judge me. I know what he's like and I know what I'm like. I came on here for advice, not for you to judge me on my age or what I have done. I didn't want to argue with anyone, but you and other people on this have judged me. I cheated, I know, I know it was wrong, I know I hurt him, I shouldn't of done it and I wish I didn't....,I know all this, so why tell me??
I'm fed up with everyone judging me on my infidelity...., I'm not the same person as I was when I did it because I changed and I'm not likely to go back to cheating.

Most of you think 'Once a cheater, always a cheater', but really, people can and do change if they find it in themselves to.
No offence to anyone, I'm just sharing my opinion.
People do not come on this site to be judged or to be told they have done wrong. They come on here to SEEK ADVICE.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I'm not judging you because you cheated. I couldn't care less that you cheated. I'm telling you that you have spent maybe 5 to 7 years as anything other than a child. I'm telling you that, because all you seem to care about is CHANGING HIM, you are not thinking like an adult. ALL 19 year olds think they are grownups. It's part of growing up. And then, at around 25, they look back and think OMG I can't believe I thought I was so grown up back then - I had SO much learning and changing to do! But boy, back then...I knew everything I'd ever need to be an adult.

And then they start LIVING life as an adult, face challenges, make adjustments, change their opinions, become less sure of themselves and the world, stop thinking in black and white, and accumulate experience and knowledge. 

And unless you've been living on your own for the last 3 or 4 years, working full time and attending school full time, and maybe caring for younger siblings...no, you are NOT a grownup yet. You're still a teenager. As harsh as that sounds, the reason I'm telling you is that you CAN learn from people like us.

But so far, all you've done is say 'Yes, but.'

Yes, but I want him to change.

Yes, but I want him to forgive me.

Yes, but I want him to stop hating me.

Yes, but I want him to come back.

And what answers have you gotten?

_You can't._

And then what do you do?

You come back with "yes, but."

Are you ready to accept the advice you got?

We're not trying to rag on you. We're trying to help you get to a NEW place in your life, one of acceptance, one of understanding your limitations in life.

If he's contacting you, there may be hope. But here's the rub: There is NOTHING YOU CAN DO to make him change - only HE can decide.

What CAN you do? You can focus on yourself - improve yourself, work on college, work on a career. And, if he does contact you again, SHOW HIM how you have changed YOURSELF. Get him interested in the NEW you. The more mature you. The you who thinks things through, improves herself, is good to her family and friends, is attentive to people, and is growing up to be a beautiful, nice, thoughtful young woman.

Maybe then he'll decide to take another chance.


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## xBaby-Louisex (Nov 1, 2010)

turnera said:


> I'm not judging you because you cheated. I couldn't care less that you cheated. I'm telling you that you have spent maybe 5 to 7 years as anything other than a child. I'm telling you that, because all you seem to care about is CHANGING HIM, you are not thinking like an adult. ALL 19 year olds think they are grownups. It's part of growing up. And then, at around 25, they look back and think OMG I can't believe I thought I was so grown up back then - I had SO much learning and changing to do! But boy, back then...I knew everything I'd ever need to be an adult.
> 
> And then they start LIVING life as an adult, face challenges, make adjustments, change their opinions, become less sure of themselves and the world, stop thinking in black and white, and accumulate experience and knowledge.
> 
> ...


I have matured, I think things through, I am good to my friends and family and I have improved myself.
The reason for the 'yes but''s is because I am just trying to look at more options...., trying to figure out different ways to approach things. I am trying to work hard at college in order to get a good career.

I'm sorry I had a pop earlier.


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

I don't think anyone is tyring to judge you, so many of us wish we were in your position. Young, single, and your whole life ahead of you.... such opportunities! 

You did ask for our advice, many of us are just trying to impart what we've learned through our own experiences with infideltiy. It's not so much what or how much one experiences, it's what one learns from their experiences that is important. 

Be it as the cheater or the faithful partner, every bit of advice or comment given comes from our own life experience with unfaithfulness. It's also what we've learned from counseling, research, and extensive reading on the topic. There's a wealth of information out there, I recommend the book "After the Affair" by Janis Abrahms Spring, PhD.

You say you've learned your lesson about cheating, but you can't be sure why it happened. That's like someone saying, "I failed that math test, I hate that I failed it, I don't know why I failed it, but I won't fail it again." Need to know why you failed, in order to not fail again.

If you want a chance with your ex, you should try to uncover why you've cheated in the past. Not just this instance. Speaking as the loyal spouse, if my husband was telling me he didn't know why he cheated, or sometimes he just does evil things, I wouldn't be trying to rebuild. We'd be talking to an attorney, not a marriage counselor right now. 

It's not only the remorse or the desire to stay faithful that is important, it's the self awareness in knowing why you cheated. Was it for ego, hard to say no, fun, etc.... really reflect and try to pinpoint what need or desire was fulfilled from cheating. It helps those that are betrayed feel you're taking real steps in discovering your weakness, so it may be prevented from happening again.

Just thought of something, my husband thought for sure I'd leave him when I found out he cheated. I love him enough to try and work on our marriage. Now he says he's never felt so loved. He's so happy I love him enough to try. Once your ex is done grieving your indiscretion, he needs to love you enough in order to forgive and move forward. He may still have feelings for you, but is it enough to reconcile? It may come down to how much he loves you, and sadly it may not be enough. Not trying to sound harsh, but I would hate to see you pine for someone that doesn't love you enough to forgive and move forward. Good luck!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

xBaby-Louisex said:


> I have matured, I think things through, I am good to my friends and family and I have improved myself.
> The reason for the 'yes but''s is because I am just trying to look at more options...., trying to figure out different ways to approach things. I am trying to work hard at college in order to get a good career.
> 
> I'm sorry I had a pop earlier.


You say you think things through...earlier you said you have trouble because 'evil takes over' and you do bad things.

Which is it?

Saffron is right. If you were serious about improving yourself, you would be seeing a therapist, or a priest, or some professional, to find out why you have poor impulse control.

Focus on that - YOU - instead of HIM.

iF you were truly working on yourself, FOCUSING on yourself, you wouldn't be so desperate to have a man. You'd be ok BY yourself.

And if you truly do this, work on YOU, he may notice the changes and be interested again.


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## Franklin Tank (Oct 18, 2010)

I dont know if hell ever take you back. Ever man has their line. Some dont care if you cheat because in the end your still theirs and they won the war but some draw the line a little closer, they see a sign of infidelity and they'd rather not have it. This man seems to draw the line close. I would continue to try to be friends with him, accept that hes not your man and maybe overtime it can start again.


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## couple (Nov 6, 2010)

xBaby-Louisex said:


> How can I try and make him come round and stop hating me though??


It's a thin line between love and hate (hey, wasn't that a song). Hate can easily be turned into intense desire. Guys are weak and while a little sex won't solve underlying problems, it can often provide the closeness that enables you to get on the road to recovery. As base as this sounds, you need to engage with him however you can. If he hates you, it means he also loves you intensely at the same time. Sorry to be so blunt but you need to appeal to him through his sexual desires for you.


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## xBaby-Louisex (Nov 1, 2010)

couple said:


> It's a thin line between love and hate (hey, wasn't that a song). Hate can easily be turned into intense desire. Guys are weak and while a little sex won't solve underlying problems, it can often provide the closeness that enables you to get on the road to recovery. As base as this sounds, you need to engage with him however you can. If he hates you, it means he also loves you intensely at the same time. Sorry to be so blunt but you need to appeal to him through his sexual desires for you.


Thank you so much for your comment,.


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## MGirl (Mar 13, 2011)

turnera said:


> I'm telling you that you have spent maybe 5 to 7 years as anything other than a child. I'm telling you that, because all you seem to care about is CHANGING HIM, you are not thinking like an adult. ALL 19 year olds think they are grownups. It's part of growing up. And then, at around 25, they look back and think OMG I can't believe I thought I was so grown up back then - I had SO much learning and changing to do! But boy, back then...I knew everything I'd ever need to be an adult.
> 
> And then they start LIVING life as an adult, face challenges, make adjustments, change their opinions, become less sure of themselves and the world, stop thinking in black and white, and accumulate experience and knowledge.
> 
> And unless you've been living on your own for the last 3 or 4 years, working full time and attending school full time, and maybe caring for younger siblings...no, you are NOT a grownup yet. You're still a teenager. As harsh as that sounds, the reason I'm telling you is that you CAN learn from people like us.


Words of Gold, Turnera.

Take it from someone who got married at 19, had a baby at 20 and basically grew up very quickly, these words cannot be more true. Keep an open mind and learn from those who are wiser, Louise  I wish I could go back in time and tell my 19 year old self that.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

couple said:


> It's a thin line between love and hate (hey, wasn't that a song). Hate can easily be turned into intense desire. Guys are weak and while a little sex won't solve underlying problems, it can often provide the closeness that enables you to get on the road to recovery. As base as this sounds, you need to engage with him however you can. If he hates you, it means he also loves you intensely at the same time. Sorry to be so blunt but you need to appeal to him through his sexual desires for you.


 Oh, well, THAT is a great way to get a relationship back on track - trick him with sex. What a great connection that will be...not. 

fwiw, I don't believe in teaching a 19 year old to use her body to get what she wants.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

A cheating wife is very much a case by case basis to be dealt with. Marriage ties a couple together in so many ways that the unpicking of the shared history and assets can be a harder pill to swallow than working the infidelity issue through.

Cheating girlfriends should get dumped without fanfare every single time. I would never advise your boyfriend to take you back. Never.

Lick your wounds, learn from your mistakes, find someone new.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Atholk said:


> Lick your wounds, learn from your mistakes, find someone new.


And don't cheat next time.


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