# I want out, but when is a good time?



## christan-wife (Apr 16, 2013)

I have been miserable in my marriage for years. I have only been married to my husband for four years and I don't want to do it anymore. I sound like a child throwing a tantrum, but I just think that this is never going to get better. I feel lied to, cheated and he has taken from me the only thing in the world he had no right to, The ability to become a mother. I am 38 and I have no hopes of becoming a mom now. He has always had some excuse as to why we can't have children, mostly financial. I make very good money on my own. He had a good job, and unfortunately his past caught up to him and he went back to his former life of drugs and wanting to be out on the street making money. 

When we met, he was working as a counselor helping people get their lives together. He was going to church and was working towards getting his bachelors. He did reveal his past to me as a former addict, and that may have been my first mistake. I saw who is was when I met him, not who he was before. It went against what I believed in. Once and addict or criminal, always an addict or criminal. I gave him a chance because of his determination to succeed. 

But that was my mistake. We argued a lot over anything and everything. But especially about starting a family. I had to go as far as going through the bible and giving him a three page list of verses condemning him for preventing conception. We never had sex without condoms, even after getting married. We stopped having sex two years ago. I cannot get myself to even kiss him on the lips, much less get intimate. 

A year ago, he relapsed. After all the problems we were having, and the constant fighting, I thought it was finally my way out. But because of my religious beliefs, and pressure from the ladies I sought advice from, I stuck by him. I worried and called and searched for him. I even showed up at his men's bible group to beg for help in getting him home. But after three months, I wanted out, and I decided to leave him and get a place of my own. I did find a place and was close to getting a lease. He was in the hospital doing detox, and was supposed to go into rehab for 90 days and that was enough time for me to run away from him and never see him again. He did not go to rehab, and I was stuck. I lost all my savings and my 401k through all this. I was forced to pay rent on our apartment all on my own, and the car payments, credit cards and every expense by myself. And on top of that, the deposit on the new place, moving expenses, etc.

Now... to add to the mix, his mother is very sick. She does not have very much longer to live, so I feel like i'm evil for wanting to leave him now. He was never there when I was going through my mother's cancer and death, so I take it out on his mother too. I feel awful leaving him now that his mom will be dead soon.

So, now I am here, miserable. I am depressed and constantly wishing I could leave. 

Do I just pick up and go? Is there a good time to leave? I have been trying to save up, but honestly, through all this mayhem, my credit has been shot and I cannot afford to make a large deposit. My lease is up in October. I am thinking that I will just go then. I need help.. or more so, someone to tell me that it is ok to feel like this.


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

you cant ask your dads or maybe brother or sister for some help? or just move in with a friend ? Sounds like you need out now, it might not ever feel right if you bringing religion into the fold, sorry religious people. I appreciate the religion tie in and dedication, I really do, but I think this one has played out. 

I'm really sorry you don't feel like your going to be able to have children now, timing im guessing and not an actual medical condition? Its never too late thou, or at least you still have time to be a biological mom, adoption is always there.

Anyways, you need to take care of you right now, and only you.


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## christan-wife (Apr 16, 2013)

I wish I could go to my family, but they all warned me not to marry this man. My brothers are all I have left and they sensed something off about him. They do not know about his past, and my brothers will not be too receptive. One is a police officer and I cannot get him involved in my personal problems that can lead him to lose his job for protecting his sister. 

The only people I have to talk to, are the ladies from church, and right now, I don't want to deal with any religious stuff either. I and not turning my back on God. I am just not interested in the biblical solutions at this point. I am very resentful right now. 

The baby thing is all about the timing...,. I hope. I gave up going to the Dr. about a year and a half ago. I was spending money for nothing. Pregnancy was not going to happen if we didn't have sex to begin with. I am just glad I didn't start hormone therapy. At this point, being 38 and not having sex, I will never have children of my own. 

I thought about leaving again today, but I have to find a way to recover the money I lost because of his relapse and having to rush to find a place to live. I have nothing saved up. I think that is also why I am so anxious as well.


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## mattsmom (Apr 2, 2013)

ChristianWife,

My older sister pretty much condemned me to hell for leaving my first husband who was a cheating, abusive alcoholic. I am a Christian as well. I just don't put a whole lot of stock in religion. That being said, God didn't put you on this earth to be miserable. You need to save yourself, at this point, and have faith that God will provide for you. 

If you want to wait until the end of your lease to move on, I have a suggestion. I don't know how large of an area you live in, but look around for a local credit union. Find one, and start an account there. Their lending policies are much more lenient than traditional banks. They might be able to help you get the money for first month's rent and deposit on a new place.

I'm tangling with some of the same issues you are, with my own special complications. I truly hope you find the strength to do what is best for you. If there is one thing that I have learned, it is that you are the only person in this world who is responsible for your happiness. Take care of yourself, and be happy.

Blessings,
Mattsmom


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

christan-wife said:


> So, now I am here, miserable. I am depressed and constantly wishing I could leave.
> 
> Do I just pick up and go? Is there a good time to leave? I have been trying to save up, but honestly, through all this mayhem, my credit has been shot and I cannot afford to make a large deposit. My lease is up in October. I am thinking that I will just go then. I need help.. or more so, someone to tell me that it is ok to feel like this.





mattsmom said:


> ChristianWife,
> My older sister pretty much condemned me to hell for leaving my first husband who was a cheating, abusive alcoholic. I am a Christian as well. I just don't put a whole lot of stock in religion. That being said, God didn't put you on this earth to be miserable. You need to save yourself, at this point, and have faith that God will provide for you.


It IS OK to feel like this. You sound like you are done. Instead of waiting for the lease to be up, start making your plans NOW. That gives you plenty of time to come up with something, and if it only takes a month to get it together, then all the better. It doesnt have to be overnight, or right now, but making the plan will empower you. I am in agreement with Mattsmom here, God doesnt want misery for your life. You arent going to hell if you divorce. Dont let the church ladies dictate your life.


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## bravenewworld (Mar 24, 2013)

Christian - what could your life be without this person in it? I think God's will is that we live with truth and integrity. He does not want us to enable cruel behavior. If moving on is what's in your heart, move on. I know several alcoholics who got sober after their partner left. It was the best decision for everyone involved. 

Regarding not being able to have kids - not true. Start looking into fertility procedures and options. Several of my friends having babies are 40+


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## some_guy_mn (Mar 4, 2013)

Why wouldn't end the marriage at this point? It is not a foregone conclusion that everyone must be married to be 'good'.


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