# Should I worry?



## Hopeful123 (Mar 3, 2013)

My husband of 18 years is starting to text a previous coworker...at least I've started to notice. Is it innocent? He doesn't tell me about them and he rarely erases texts, except hers. He also gets emails, voice mails and calls from her occasionally. He doesn't do it often, though he does have a different phone at his office and voice mail which I never see. A few months ago I saw an exchange between them, where she sent a text and asked him to be on the lookout for a reference request for a job. She also left a voice mail on his phone, which sounded innocent enough, but the voice was so sing songy and high pitched that I barely recognized her. She said it was for a Directors position and she knew he would do her justice. He said it will be exceptional! He said if you get that job will you even still talk to me. She said, "of Course", you'll never get rid of me. He said, "that's a good thing, as much as I hate to admit it, I miss you! She sent back, Thanks. and BTW.....I miss you too. She said when are you coming back to Dallas? He told her Nov. 10, 11, 12. I didn't know he had business nearby and told me at the last minute that he was going to go by Dallas to visit our grown daughter and family since he was so close. He did do that, but there was some unaccounted for down time, that he seemed to be secretive about. I know they were close and he had lunch at least twice the previous year that I found out after they had both moved on from the same employer. He was her boss. She did some consulting work at his request at his new company after we had moved....across the country. She came out and spent several days working in his office a couple of different times. He always picked her up at the airport and dropped her off at her hotel room after group dinners...a couple of which I was asked if I'd like to come. They did seem a bit "guarded" together, at least when I was around. This was at least a year and half ago. They do stay in touch. I found an email last week, asking for another reference, he said of course he would "do her proud". Then he said in a later text, Got it and done...you owe me a drink! She said I would love to spend time with you and buy you a drink, I miss you! and BTW thanks. He said you are VERY welcome. I do know they talked for several minutes in between the two emails. I don't know that they have the time to actually see each other, but then they do both travel a lot, so I would never know. I did confront him about the visit to our daughter and he said he DID NOT see her when he was there. At first he said he didn't even talk to her, while there, but then tripped himself up after another question and said he had actually talked to her and "oh yeah, her husband too." He acted very suspicious. Do you think it is innocent, or trying to have his relationship with her....in the very least emotional, if not physical?


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## boogie110 (Aug 3, 2012)

Deleting only her texts...

Writing - I miss you....

Going to Dallas - where she is - and saying he's visiting family...


Anything he (a married man) is doing in hiding - where he would never do it in front of you with a member of the opp sex - is cheating.

You do not know what he is doing exactly, because he is hiding it from you.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

If they are workmates of longstanding it could very well be platonic.
The topics of the texts you saw are by and large about references - with a little bit of personal and borderline flirty chit-chat. What does your gut tell you? 

How is the state of your marriage? Are you empty nesters? 
Is she of the same generation? Do you know if her marriage is solid? Do they have kids? 

Have you expressed concern about the constant texting? How well do you know her? Do you know her husband?


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## Hopeful123 (Mar 3, 2013)

boogie110 said:


> Deleting only her texts...
> 
> Writing - I miss you....
> 
> ...


This is what I am concerned about...because I just don't know. I say to other friends I miss you...but never male friends unless they are close personal mutual friends. I think that is the difference.


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## Hopeful123 (Mar 3, 2013)

walkonmars said:


> If they are workmates of longstanding it could very well be platonic.
> The topics of the texts you saw are by and large about references - with a little bit of personal and borderline flirty chit-chat. What does your gut tell you?
> 
> How is the state of your marriage? Are you empty nesters?
> ...


I know it has been platonic for years, or appears to be, but then he was at work with her and I only saw her on occasion. The borderline flirty chit chat is the kicker here, because it is the very sort of chit chat we had before we started dating each other. I also worked with him and we had a great relationship in the office and became very close....and it turned into more than platonic. My gut goes from saying there is definitely something there to saying No, he is just a friendly helpful guy....which he really is. But he doesn't do that to every other ex coworker he's had so that is my concern. Our marriage is very solid I think. We enjoy being together, but I will have to admit that we have both taken each other for granted as a very demanding work schedule for him and lots of stress with elderly parent care has become a priority. WE are empty nesters. She is 20 years his junior..in fact she is just a bit older than his older daughter from a previous marriage. The OW is married and has three young children. I know them only from company functions once or twice a year and exchange of Christmas cards. I am not aware of any marital problems, but then I probably would not. It really isn't constant texting ( that I know of) but it is more the content and familiarity that bothers me about them and the voicemails....and the fact that he seems to hide them. I have confronted him and he just says there is nothing going on between us, when would I have time for that....I don't think there is anything physical. They are 1000 miles apart, but the emotional closeness bothers me. He has offered for me to check his phone, check his text, but I know he can and has erased messages and the work phone I could never prove otherwise. I don't want to drive a wedge between us for something innocent.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

RED FLAGS:
1. He doesn't do for others what he does for her

2. She's twenty yrs younger - platonic friends I know and have are usually of the same generation - not my son's generation

3. The texts "you owe me a drink" etc are at the very least fishing expeditions

4. Empty nester (mildly red flag) - especially if the nest emptied recently (2 or so yrs) for some this can be a signal that life has changed and changes are due. 

Don't turn down the offer of full transparency with regard to his electronics - but you won't find much there. Ask him though to do you the courtesy of not deleting any texts from anyone as you may want to view them from time to time. 

As you say, he has other covert means of communicating with her if he is of the mind to do so. You have expressed your concerns to him so there should be no doubt in his mind that this is an issue with you. 

You should swallow hard, stand up straight, look him in the eye and tell him you are uncomfortable with continued communication now that she no longer works there. If she must communicate with him regarding future need of recommendations she should address them to the family's home email. 

BTW are you also much younger than your husband? Did he meet you while still married to his first wife?


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

Yes, you should worry. Start snooping.


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## Hopeful123 (Mar 3, 2013)

walkonmars said:


> RED FLAGS:
> 1. He doesn't do for others what he does for her
> 
> 2. She's twenty yrs younger - platonic friends I know and have are usually of the same generation - not my son's generation
> ...


We are empty nesters for 10 years now. Made the move across country 3 years ago. He has gained some weight and is tired a lot, but no noticeable flags of an affair. We did know each other for several years prior to "meeting"...and yes he was married. He was separated off and on from his for wife for some of that time. I really didn't know him well then at all. He was actually married at the time we started seeing each other. I have never really felt insecure about any other relationship he has.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Read this book

Dr. Shirley Glass - NOT "Just Friends"


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

Hope1964 said:


> Read this book
> 
> Dr. Shirley Glass - NOT "Just Friends"


:iagree:

read the quiz, real eye opener.


Boundaries,what are yours?


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Hopeful123 said:


> This is what I am concerned about...because I just don't know. I say to other friends I miss you...but never male friends unless they are close personal mutual friends. I think that is the difference.


Saying this to a friend is one thing. Hiding it, being guarded, is totally different. Deleting texts takes it to a whole new level.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Hopeful123 said:


> He has offered for me to check his phone, check his text, but I know he can and has erased messages and the work phone I could never prove otherwise. I don't want to drive a wedge between us for something innocent.


Take him up on his offer, and let him know that deleted texts are not part of the deal. 

You are not driving a wedge, he is. Sort it now or watch while he continues. Be strong, assert your boundaries. This behaviour is crossing a line and needs to be nipped in the bud. Be a person who takes no sh*t and will not be disrespected. He is disrespecting you terribly. Do not get on your back foot, grab this by the horns and deal with what is going on. 

He is TOTALLY taking the piss by saying you can see all communication and then deleting it. Tell him he better bring his work phone home too, nothing deleted. If he stands by what he offers he will not delete, and show. If he is full of sh*t, he will turn this into a huge issue and have you believing there is something wrong with you, that you are paranoid, controlling, etc etc. If he says he is open, make him show that and be that. That is your only way forward.


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## Hopeful123 (Mar 3, 2013)

downloaded in on kindle last night....i am studying it now. Thanks


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## Hopeful123 (Mar 3, 2013)

The OW lives NEAR there, that is why I was concerned for time unaccounted for when he went to visit our daughter there...he could have visited on the way from his destination or during. Thanks for the offer though, I needed the laugh. Not going that route yet. I TRULY believe it is just emotional rather than physical right now, though I am NOW suspicious that it was more than that before we moved away.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Yes, I would be worried too. His behaviour is of someone who has something to hide. And it is not just friends. Friends don't cause you to hide texts and delete them. 

Have you downloaded his phone files? Have you found anything?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Remains said:


> Take him up on his offer, and let him know that deleted texts are not part of the deal.
> 
> You are not driving a wedge, he is. Sort it now or watch while he continues. Be strong, assert your boundaries. This behaviour is crossing a line and needs to be nipped in the bud. Be a person who takes no sh*t and will not be disrespected. He is disrespecting you terribly. Do not get on your back foot, grab this by the horns and deal with what is going on.
> 
> He is TOTALLY taking the piss by saying you can see all communication and then deleting it. Tell him he better bring his work phone home too, nothing deleted. If he stands by what he offers he will not delete, and show. If he is full of sh*t, he will turn this into a huge issue and have you believing there is something wrong with you, that you are paranoid, controlling, etc etc. If he says he is open, make him show that and be that. That is your only way forward.


:iagree:


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## fishfast41 (Dec 12, 2010)

I see BIG RED FLAGS here. You need to check this out NOW. Your husband is definitely hiding something from you.


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## fishfast41 (Dec 12, 2010)

Deleted texts=affair


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

fishfast41 said:


> Deleted texts=affair


Has anyone ever seen a thread on this forum where the suspected cheater was deleting texts from only the suspected affair partner and it did NOT turn out to be at least an attempt at cheating? I can't remember one where it didn't turn out that way.


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