# Disengaging from husband's kids, don't want them in my home



## sfj

I'm disengaging from my husband's two kids after years of "blended family" dysfunction that I could not control no matter how hard I tried.

Now I feel in a bind because even though my husband is not all that involved with his kids (they are long distance) he can't disengage from his own kids. I understand that.

Is it unreasonable that I don't want them coming to spend days at a time in our home? Would it be unreasonable for me to ask my husband to spend time with them somewhere else? If it is reasonable how do I approach him about it?

I want these kids completely out of my life, so the thought of them invading my home causes me a lot of discomfort. Who wants somebody who is essentially an enemy in their home? 

Not sure what to do here. Me leaving is NOT an option as I would NEVER trust them around my personal things even if my husband was supervising. They are devious beyond belief.

Do I need to suck this up? Medicate myself? 

Any advice???


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## CLucas976

Does your husband stand by your side and support you in the "rules" so to speak of the house when it comes to his kids?

I've always had a blended family, and it's not until recently that it has posed a major problem. The problem being that the parents are butting heads on their kids and parenting techniques instead of standing as a united front, together, with one joint set of rules and expectations for all the "kids" involved.

If your husband can't calmly sit with you and have the two of you come to a joint set up that you will both stand by, then I'm not really sure, as I am already stuck in the middle of a similar chaotic situation and there is no resolve at this point, both parties just suck it up and its NOT healthy.


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## specwar

Wow, there are alot of things at issue here. Understand that at the base of this discussion is that we each choose what we allow to happen around us. If your husband doesn't back you then you must address that. You should not be undercutting each other. 

It is interesting that you are totally disengadged from the children that are yours (not biologically). You can say they are his all you want but if you treat the children as not yours then you are the equivalent of a stranger and they will no sooner listen to you than they would a stranger. Which is how most all of us react to a stranger telling us what to do.

Based on the limited information that you have given I would say that primarily you have to focus on getting you and your spouse on the same page. Understand what and where he stands and try hard to come together. In the areas that you cannot come together you at least need to have him help you by not undercutting you when you feel the need to step in. 

This will also take a lot of open discussion (away from kids) and re-affirming to each other how you both present a unified front. They should get the same answer from you as they do from him. And if he doesn't want to be the (bad guy) then you at least get agreement that he will send them to you. 

Engadge them in discussions consistently and they will come to know you again. It is through your discussions both positive and negative that they will learn that you have their best interest at heart and while they may not tell you (anytime soon) that you are right they will know it when they are alone at night thinking about what was said. Most of this is contingent on the fact that we are talking about normal well adjusted (spoiled) kids. If we are talking about drug addicted children then all bets are off and things are way out of whack.

At the end of the day you need to decide for yourself what type of environment you want to live in and take steps each day and make decisions with that goal in mind. 

For example. I told my children and wife that my goal is to create a home that is safe. There will be no attacking. No yelling of any kind where everybody will be treated with respect. disagreement will be discussed but at the end of the day the parent will make a decision and that will be final. There are no arguments, only discussions where each side makes their points and a decision is made. If my spouse and I disagree we speak about it privately most of the time unless we think that the children can learn from our discussion. Anybody who is not onboard with that will be very uncomfortable with the alternative. 

You can't make any changes as a stranger however, you must engadge for change to occur. Keep your engadgements small and build them over time. Then your disapproval will carry more weight if they understand by knowing you that you are only looking out for their best interests.


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## sfj

Thanks for the comments. The "children" are 17 and 19. They no longer require my care as they did as young kids so the dynamic has been different the last several years. They don't treat me with open hostility as my husband would never allow it. Now it's more of a passive aggressive thing where I am treated like I don't exist. For a long time this hurt, but I got over it and just reduced my contact. That's the reason I say I am "disengaging". 

I will agree it's a shame that all this happened in the first place, but the kids have been taught to hate me by their mother since day one. Actually they don't treat my husband all that well either. I'm just a much easier scapegoat since I don't have the bio-tie. Deep down I know they still love their dad. For me, they wouldn't care if I dropped dead tomorrow. After 14 years I just no longer want a relationship of any kind. 

My problem is I'm trying to balance what I need with what my husband needs, and truth be told what the kids need as well. I just wish to give them what they need didn't involve MY space being invaded by them. 

What is a reasonable compromise? I don't know.


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## tiredwife&sahm

sfj said:


> What is a reasonable compromise? I don't know.


None. When you married your husband you took on his kids for life. You can't tell him that you don't want them in your home, it is not your home. It is you and YOUR husband's home.If you love your husband pretend to love his kids.I have 2 teen stepdaughters, I completely understand you not wanting them around. I don't want mine around either as they have been mean from the start, one completely ignores me too . I understand this action because she is a kid that would prefer her parents be together, but I don't tolerate disrespect and she knows it so she doesn't cross those lines.She can ignore me all she wants,but as long as she does not disrespect me or break my rules, I could care less. Stepparents don't really need a relationship with their stepchildren, that's icing on the cake imo. You do however need boundaries and respect that's it. I have met many stepparents who spend years showering their stepchildren with love and trying desperately to build a relationship to only be hurt when they realized there wouldn't be one.As step parents, we have to understand that we do not have the right to demand anything emotionally from our stepchildren. Being attached to the bio parent doesn't mean the kids should be attached to you. They don't owe it to you to love you and vice versa. You are not their parent and they are not your kid. You do however, owe each other respect and if you have this you'll be golden. I know its harsh putting it that way but if you go into a blended family looking for more than you deserve, you're pretty much asking for all of the resentment and anger you'll feel later.Why not save yourself all of that and face the facts which is they may never ever accept you.Set your standards low. Only in a perfect world would all blended families end up like the Brady Bunch.


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## CandieGirl

If they are long distance, all the better if this is the way you feel. My H's kids are long distance as well, and it suits me. I know that when I married him, I took on the kids as well, but believe me, all that much easier that they live on the opposite coast. I've met them once. The younger one tried to challenge me almost instantly; I put him in his place fast. For the rest of their visit, he ignored me. So be it! The fact that they're teenagers almost guarantees some amount of hostility, but you don't have to play into it. Let your husband deal with his kids!

How bad are they that you don't trust them in the house? Are they violent? Theives?


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## sfj

tiredwife- I don't expect a relationship anymore, I've long been over that. At the same time I find it very difficult to "pretend" with them, which is why I am to the point of not wanting anything to do with them.

You are correct that my home is also my husband's home, and this is why I was asking about reasonable compromise. You say none, but I'm not so sure about that. We live in a condo so space is not unlimited, and having guests here impacts me, I can't just ignore it. What about limiting the visit to a certain number of days? Like a long weekend? Something else, I don't care if my husband wants to go visit them without me. Fine by me, but so far he hasn't taken the initiative to do anything on his own.

Candi no doubt he will be the one to deal with them. The reason I don't trust them around my personal things is because they don't have my best interests at heart and would think nothing of covertly trashing my space and belongings. Not in a criminal way (I hope) but definitely in a personal way. Last time my stepdaughter visited she decided to cook after we went to bed and I woke up to oil smeared all over the floor, dirty dishes, dirty counters, etc.... this after I asked her nicely that if she made food to please clean up. Sure my husband made her clean it up later but she did a half assed job and had a smug smirk the whole time. This is the kind of crap I am talking about.


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## CandieGirl

Ya, that would royally pi$$ me off, too...I feel your pain! My H's kids were total pigs the entire month they stayed with us. Couldn't even make their beds.


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## Mark Val

sfj said:


> tiredwife- I don't expect a relationship anymore, I've long been over that. At the same time I find it very difficult to "pretend" with them, which is why I am to the point of not wanting anything to do with them.
> 
> You are correct that my home is also my husband's home, and this is why I was asking about reasonable compromise. You say none, but I'm not so sure about that. We live in a condo so space is not unlimited, and having guests here impacts me, I can't just ignore it. What about limiting the visit to a certain number of days? Like a long weekend? Something else, I don't care if my husband wants to go visit them without me. Fine by me, but so far he hasn't taken the initiative to do anything on his own.
> 
> Candi no doubt he will be the one to deal with them. The reason I don't trust them around my personal things is because they don't have my best interests at heart and would think nothing of covertly trashing my space and belongings. Not in a criminal way (I hope) but definitely in a personal way. Last time my stepdaughter visited she decided to cook after we went to bed and I woke up to oil smeared all over the floor, dirty dishes, dirty counters, etc.... this after I asked her nicely that if she made food to please clean up. Sure my husband made her clean it up later but she did a half assed job and had a smug smirk the whole time. This is the kind of crap I am talking about.


Go for a constructive compromise...ask your hubby to instruct them diplomatically and respect your being and privacy and dont bother in blending but keep a dignified distance..Also They should know YOU are also their father's loving wife...!! if they are his loving kids !! Fair Enough..?


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## Jellybeans

sfj said:


> tiredwife- I don't expect a relationship anymore, I've long been over that. At the same time I find it very difficult to "pretend" with them, which is why I am to the point of not wanting anything to do with them.
> 
> Is it unreasonable that I don't want them coming to spend days at a time in our home? Would it be unreasonable for me to ask my husband to spend time with them somewhere else? If it is reasonable how do I approach him about it?
> 
> I want these kids completely out of my life, so the thought of them invading my home causes me a lot of discomfort.




Oh my. Well when you married your husband, his kids were part of the package deal. So they will always be a part of his life. Being that it's his home too, you're just gonna have to talk about what a good ompromise is. I do think it's unreasonable for you not wanting them to be at your home, being that "your" home is one half your husband's. 

You say you want them "completely" out of your life but they will be a part of it for as long as you're with your husband.

By chance, were you the other woman and he left their mom to be with you?


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## PBear

Personally, I think you and your husband need to deal with this as a team, and comes up with the rules needed for hanging out at your place. He has to be a parent, not a doormat, and demand the respect that you both deserve. After all, they made a mess in his kitchen and did a half-assed job of cleaning it up too...

If they don't abide by the rules, you need to both agree on the consequences. This is the same as anyone dealing with older kids. For example, even if he and his wife were together and they were treating the house like a pigsty, or smoking dope in their rooms, he would need to work with the other parent to arrive at a solution. It seems to me this is a similar situation, except because their his kids, he needs to be the heavy.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sfj

Jellybeans said:


> Oh my. Well when you married your husband, his kids were part of the package deal. So they will always be a part of his life. Being that it's his home too, you're just gonna have to talk about what a good ompromise is. I do think it's unreasonable for you not wanting them to be at your home, being that "your" home is one half your husband's.
> 
> You say you want them "completely" out of your life but they will be a part of it for as long as you're with your husband.
> 
> By chance, were you the other woman and he left their mom to be with you?


No I was not the other woman. There was no cheating that led to their divorce, it was that horrible realization that he was with the wrong person. Always fighting, different interests, etc... In fact it has always stumped me that the ex held on to so much anger. She was miserable too. But she did, and she became the kind of parent that thinks nothing of bashing the other parent to the kids. That is such a terrible thing for a parent to do, because I have seen first hand how detrimental this can be to parent/child relationships especially when one parent is long distance like my husband was forced into. 

I know it's his home too. Sigh. We're going to have to reach a compromise. I've decided to let him bring it up first. I got to thinking he may not want a long visit himself. That way he won't be defensive from the get go. 

Then I'll make sure I have wine, DVDs, earplugs, etc.


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## mag000

You are getting crazy and you need to take care of yourself. If this is only to get those kids out of your house space, it is a very easy option. Get it done for your own sake! SAVE YOURSELF


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## that_girl

Well, they're grown so it's not like you have to deal with them too much.

Be the adult here and just suck it up. Are they around a lot? Most teens aren't.


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## chantiq72

PBear said:


> Personally, I think you and your husband need to deal with this as a team, and comes up with the rules needed for hanging out at your place. He has to be a parent, not a doormat, and demand the respect that you both deserve. After all, they made a mess in his kitchen and did a half-assed job of cleaning it up too...
> 
> If they don't abide by the rules, you need to both agree on the consequences. This is the same as anyone dealing with older kids. For example, even if he and his wife were together and they were treating the house like a pigsty, or smoking dope in their rooms, he would need to work with the other parent to arrive at a solution. It seems to me this is a similar situation, except because their his kids, he needs to be the heavy.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think asking for the husband to be team up with us is not an option. My husband will probably say yes to me to the idea, but in reality, he will not "touch" his kid. I sense that father has this sort of guilty feeling toward their kid because of the seperation. I could be wrong, but that what I feel about my husband. My husband will never talk about dicipline to his daughter. He rather do it for her than have to talk to her about certain rules. 
For example, my step daughter always put her pad from her period in the trash without wraping it with toilet paper. Sometime, she just put it on the vanity or on the bathroom floor. I did talk to her, but she just turn deaf when I open my mouth. so I asked my husband to talk to his daughter about that. He will wrap the pad and throw it himself rather than talk to her. (I know it's probably akward for him, but someone gotta do it.).

To suggestion to your situation. I think to get them out completely is rather difficult unless you talk about it with your husband, and he agree. But remember, if he agree to your wishes, you have to be ready that your relationship with your husband will be at stake. Remember that "guilty feeling" that I was talking earlier, he will feel more guilty and he probably will think that you are the cause of the situation. I don't know how your husband is, but I did talk to my husband about engaging his daughter, he accept that. By disengaging is I don't want anything to do with her or taking care of her, but she still come to our house every weekend. My relationship with my husband was not at best at that time when we agree on that.

Luckily, my stepdaughter is now decided to not seeing her father anymore. My husband and I were fighting for a week after we got a letter from their lawyer. But, 3 months on, we're on our best shape. Stress free, and we feel like we are dating again. And even my husband admited eventhough he miss his daughter, he feel that he never been happier before.


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## girl friday

what is it with teenage step children and this passive aggressive stance they take with ignoring you. I get that too all of the time. I am lucky to get a hello and that is it. My step son will hardly stay in the same room with me other than to eat dinner and then goes off with his father and they have all their talks in private. It really gets to me but I have learnt to disengage in order to cope. 

I don't personally think that you can ask them not to come into your home, no matter how much you want to. I understand your wanting to completely but it is too unfair to your husband and will drive a wedge between you both. You need to find some way to deal with this yourself. Rise above it all and you will feel better for it in the end.


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## Mmommy1

My parents split when I was very young..maybe 5 or 6 years old. Both of my parents were re-married. My step dad completly took on the role of dad and is a wonderful man. Now my step-mom on the other hand, she has always given off a sense of attitude when my father has us around. We are all grown adults now, but she is never enthusiatic about of coming over for dinner or what have you. When we would go on vacation she would always be really close always holding onto my father. This man is not touchy feely affectionate..at what point he had even said something to her about it. I remember a particular time when we went to Key West and my dad trailered his motorcycle with us. My brother and sister always slept in late, as did my step-mom...and my dad suggested that me and him take him motorcycle out for breakfast at sunrise...well dont you know this woman butted in and said she wanted to go. Of course when the morning time came, my dad got me and we were gone to breakfast and back before she was even awake.

I love my step-mom, she even did a great deal in helping me plan my wedding.... but I have never felt "welcome" around her.

When my father married this woman, he had in her vows put the 3 of us (his kids) in the ceremony. She vowed to treat us as her own. 

You married this man knowing that he had children. As your husband, he does need to respect your feelings....but as his wife, you should never make him chose, and especially never ask him to spend time with his kids else where then your home. If they are messy, bring that up with the kids, dont complain to your husband about his children. Dont make your husband feel like he has to choose sides and cant bring his kids home, because if it came to that....a good man would choose his kids versus his new wife any day of the week.

If you value your marriage to him...then value his children as well.


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## Bobby5000

Is it unreasonable that I don't want them coming to spend days at a time in our home? Yes that is unreasonable. How would you like it if he said your children had no place in your home. Or I don't like your mother, explain to her she can never come near MY HOME. 


Would it be unreasonable for me to ask my husband to spend time with them somewhere else? Absolutely, it's his home too. I'd be shocked if a man was so dominated by his wife that he would let her tell him that his own children couldn't be in his home. (note I am a step-parent of two teenagers) 

I want these kids completely out of my life. No father should let his wife say that. People can try to work out problems, but a father should provide unconditional love. 

Me leaving is NOT an option as I would NEVER trust them around my personal things. You do have a right to maintain security. Take out checks, bankbooks, identifying information. Love does not mean an absence of common sense. 






Let me see if I understand your questions.


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## Jimena

I'm shocked that you don't see 17 & 19 year old children as not needing as much care. While their needs are different, they are still in need of your care, you and your husband.
You and your husband need to be firm about acceptable behavior while they are in your house. Your husband needs to recognize passive aggressive behavior and, together, you need to find creative means of discipline.
As for how their mother has tried to sour your relationship, know that children eventually learn for themselves who really supports them. Whether it was what she said when you first got married, or last week, these kids base their relationship with you largely on how you have been with them and the type of relationship you have with your husband


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## Head Wrecked

Try to appeal to them. You have been the step mom for many years. You should know there likes and dislikes. It will take you to be the better person to initiate but it may be what the relationship needs. Common Ground.... Music, sports, etc. If at this point you do not know anything that they like you may have to step back and wonder why. Maybe they have picked up on that over the years and built up some resentment.

I know you have been a motherly figure to them but the reality is they already have one. Try being the friend instead.

You got to try and break the routine of lets hate each other because I am done with you. Lets face it. That is not working and nobody is going anywhere unless there is a divorce between you and your husband and it does not sound like either of you want that.


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## Bobby5000

I have raised two step-kids and certainly have had tough times with them. I remember once being called to school by the vice-principal who presumably wanted to lecture me and became angry at the way my son spoke to me that he told my son to speak with more respect. That was a low point. High points have been my oldest son (I don't use the term step son because I think you should everyone equally) getting an excellent job, MBA, owning a nice home and having a substantial 6 figure salary in a down economy. 

Things are very goods with my kids and me. You have to have patient and work hard. It's non-negotiable. 

As others have noted, the primary parenting role comes from the natural parent and a step-parent who has a close relationship. If that has not come yet, be careful about being disciplinarian.


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## Trudi

With the holidays approaching I know how you feel. My husbands "child" is now 40 years old, has been a cocaine addict since he was 12. I hate having in our home. But every occasion here he comes and ruins it. There are small grandchildren and I try and keep them from him. My husband just yells at me when I grumble about his son coming. He is no support at all. His son calls him 4-5 times a day everyday and I feel there is no room left for me.


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## JohnPeel

I thought I might be able to deal with my wife not wanting my children staying over, but now after reading your post, Im not so sure. I am now wondering whether I should end it with my wife. 

If you haven't read my post, it might be a good idea to, because you do sound like my wife with regard to my children who are 16 and 19. My post is called, what would you do?

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/family-parenting-forums/61472-what-would-you-do.html


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## South Accountant

yes John Peel, end it. She can make somebody else happy...you do not deserve her.


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## JohnPeel

South Accountant said:


> yes John Peel, end it. She can make somebody else happy...you do not deserve her.


You must think all is OK then, so please help me understand where I am going wrong, and where I can put things right before it gets worse.

I just struggle so much without being able to have time on my own to see my daughters, friends and family. I am not even able to go to work, so we spend 24 hours a day together, 7 days a week, year in and year out. 

If I could just get to see my daughters, friends of family on my own, just one afternoon a month, things might be better.

My wife now wants to charge my daughters £5 per night to stay in the caravan, and of course my ex has run with this one and now my daughters arent happy again.

My CBT today suggested that I tell my wife that I should drive and see him on my own next time (42 miles), instead of my wife coming with me. He said this could be looked at as part of your treatment, and would of course allow you at least a couple of hours on your own.

I told him this will never happen, and my wife wont go for it, but I will run it by her in a few days when I pick up the courage. 

Yes, we have a lovely home with no mortgage or debt, new cars, near the sea, lots of land, my daughters still love me regardless, my ex hates me but nothing new there. And despite what you think, I do love my wife very much, but feel it is her that needs help as much as I do.

I havent seen my daughters for xmas in 7 years as my wife books a holiday to cover xmas and newyear so we arent around for the family holiday, and I hate it.

So, do you really believe you would be happy in a relationship, where you do as you are told, never have any time at all to see your friends or family on your own, can not go out to work because that would mean your having time on your own, are scared of making a mess, putting a foot wrong, or saying the wrong thing without the sh'' hitting the fan??????????

I doubt it. But if you have advice for me that might help me, then I would love to hear it please.


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## wifenumber2

sfj said:


> I'm disengaging from my husband's two kids after years of "blended family" dysfunction that I could not control no matter how hard I tried.
> 
> Now I feel in a bind because even though my husband is not all that involved with his kids (they are long distance) he can't disengage from his own kids. I understand that.
> 
> Is it unreasonable that I don't want them coming to spend days at a time in our home? Would it be unreasonable for me to ask my husband to spend time with them somewhere else? If it is reasonable how do I approach him about it?
> 
> 
> 
> I want these kids completely out of my life, so the thought of them invading my home causes me a lot of discomfort. Who wants somebody who is essentially an enemy in their home?
> 
> Not sure what to do here. Me leaving is NOT an option as I would NEVER trust them around my personal things even if my husband was supervising. They are devious beyond belief.
> G
> Do I need to suck this up? Medicate myself?
> 
> Any advice???


SFJ feel your pain. My posts will provide you background. If I had a crystal ball and saw how my life as a step parent would be/is Im sure I would have said I don't instead of I do. I think we all feel what you're feeling at some time or another. I think you are at this point because there was no unified parenting front combined with a lot of fathers feeling guilt especially if the kids live far apart. Guilt often makes a Dad focus on making the kids love him more than the ex, discipline/boundaries go out the door and lavish gifts replace normal parenting.

I'm learning to "suck it up" if I know the visit is temporary. I also have kids so Im careful what I say because my kids could be guilty about the same thing (dirty kitchen). This coming from a women who found her wedding ring from her first marriage a purse belonging to my step daughter that I promised to wash for her.

Give him the opportunity to enjoy his visit and if he doesn't feel pulled he will thank you for it and hopefully show his appreciation. Hide your valuables, go off and enjoy some much-needed "me time" during their visit. Do meals together and let them do their thing the remainder of the time. 

I wish you the best of luck. I'd hug you if I met you in person because most of the posts I've seen on this thread in response to your post resemble my life these past 13 years. My step kids are 24 and 27 (the younger one just moved out after living with his girlfriend for 9 months).
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera

Here's my advice, before you do anything else. Read these books, in this order: 
Hold On To Your N.U.T.S.
No More Mr Nice Guy
Married Man Sex Life Primer


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## Amplexor

Old Thread


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