# Want Another Child But Marriage Isn't In Best Standing...



## RunFromYourWife (Feb 14, 2013)

My wife and I have 2 boys (5 & 3) and I really want a little girl. We both are in our early to mid 30's. Been researching natural methods of high probability to get a girl, but if we don't get one I would be happy with a boy too. I feel like that pretty soon I will be too old to have more children. I know that many people are having children later and later in life, but that quite frankly isn't for me. When I am in my mid-40's I want all of my children to be at an independent age so that my wife and I can be the least fettered in enjoying our lives together for the rest of our time on this Earth. 

Here is the problem...my wife and I are recently recovering from infidelity a couple months removed. We've decided to work on our marriage and move forward together. We are in a better place than we have been in a long time, perhaps our entire marriage, in terms of our focus on the marriage and connectivity with each other. At the same time, dealing with infidelity puts a major setback in your mind. I feel like time is running out for me to have kids, let alone I'd want a new baby to not be too far apart in age from her/his older brothers. It isn't an ideal time to have a baby considering my wife's career ambitions and everything else, but if we don't do it now then I fear it may turn into _never_. 

I have been bringing it up frequently with my wife and she has said we can get pregnant next year, but I almost feel like it would be too late then. My boys would be 5 and 7 years older than the youngest by then. 

*Is it unwise to have another baby now considering the recent unrest in our relationship? Are my reasons for impressing my desire for another child unreasonable? If my wife doesn't want to get pregnant soon should I just resign myself to not having anymore children?*


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

Only yourself and your wife can know if your relationship has heeled to the extent that another child would be sensible if you are not sure then please wait. 

As for what age is best to become a parent again there seem to be 2 schools of thought (amongst those who plan these things as opposed to just letting nature take its course).

Option 1 have them close together when you are young,
Pros, you will have more energy & you will still be youngish once they are independent.
Cons, money can be very tight early in the relationship and working lots of hours means you do not have time to spend with them.

Option 2 have only 1 or 2 and start later in life,
Pros, you should be more stable (financially & emotionally).
Cons, you could still have kids at university when you would have otherwise retired.

My wife preferred whatever god gives us method so we have 5 kids aged from 17 down to 2. So I will be 50 when the youngest starts school and if he does a 4 year degree I will be I’ll be 67.


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## RunFromYourWife (Feb 14, 2013)

I guess I should ask another question then...does a marriage have to be *going well* in order to decide to have children? Is it bad to have another child regardless because it would be better for the kids than having it with someone else down the line if we were to separate? LOL...is that selfish?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

RunFromYourWife said:


> I guess I should ask another question then...does a marriage have to be *going well* in order to decide to have children? Is it bad to have another child regardless because it would be better for the kids than having it with someone else down the line if we were to separate? LOL...is that selfish?


Yes, the marriage does need to be going well in order to decide to have children. Because she's the one pregnant (not you).


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## kittykatz (Feb 22, 2013)

I think if you have any doubts at all that you might not stay with her for the rest of you life, having another baby probably isn't the best decision. 

Its already going to be a less than ideal situation if you do end up breaking up, because you already have two kids together... which means your kids are going to have to go through having their mom and dad being split up. Thats definitely not an easy thing for a kid to go through. I've never experienced it, thankfully, but I know plenty of people that have. So why would you bring a third child into it and just complicate things even more? In my opinion it wouldnt be fair to the child. Its one thing to have a kid with someone if things are going well and youre confident that things will work, but then something happens... there are some things you can't really avoid. Stuff happens... but to bring another child into the world already knowing that your marriage isnt going good, I just dont think its right. If I were you and I had any doubts about the marriage, Id wait it out, see how things go. If it came down to it, Id go find someone else and then when I was ready enough and felt that the marriage was strong enough and was going to last, THEN I'd consider another baby... even if it meant having to wait a few years. Sometimes you have to sacrifice things that you want and wait a little while if it means that the outcome will be better in the end. Its definitely worth it.

Its your decision and I can't tell you what to do, but Im just telling you what I'd do if I was in your place. Id just think about it very carefully before you come to any decisions.


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## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

Which one of you was the unfaithful one? Only two months out from the discovery of infidelity is pretty soon to be pushing to have a baby. Given the infidelity, you'd be much wiser to really ensure your marriage is rock solid before brining another child into the mix. Were you already pushing to have another baby before the infidelity occurred? Or was this brought up afterward as a means to try to rugsweep the issue?


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## RunFromYourWife (Feb 14, 2013)

kittykatz said:


> I think if you have any doubts at all that you might not stay with her for the rest of you life, having another baby probably isn't the best decision.
> 
> Its already going to be a less than ideal situation if you do end up breaking up, because you already have two kids together... which means your kids are going to have to go through having their mom and dad being split up. Thats definitely not an easy thing for a kid to go through. I've never experienced it, thankfully, but I know plenty of people that have. So why would you bring a third child into it and just complicate things even more? In my opinion it wouldnt be fair to the child. Its one thing to have a kid with someone if things are going well and youre confident that things will work, but then something happens... there are some things you can't really avoid. Stuff happens... but to bring another child into the world already knowing that your marriage isnt going good, I just dont think its right. If I were you and I had any doubts about the marriage, Id wait it out, see how things go. If it came down to it, Id go find someone else and then when I was ready enough and felt that the marriage was strong enough and was going to last, THEN I'd consider another baby... even if it meant having to wait a few years. Sometimes you have to sacrifice things that you want and wait a little while if it means that the outcome will be better in the end. Its definitely worth it.
> 
> Its your decision and I can't tell you what to do, but Im just telling you what I'd do if I was in your place. Id just think about it very carefully before you come to any decisions.


What is the difference if we break up anyway since we already have 2 children? What's one more? You cannot guarantee any relationship, with my wife or a future one for that matter, is going to last forever. Let alone, I don't have forever. I am not having children after maybe another 1-2 years down the road. After that, I'm done. Working with a compressed timeline here.


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## RunFromYourWife (Feb 14, 2013)

Openminded said:


> Yes, the marriage does need to be going well in order to decide to have children. Because she's the one pregnant (not you).


We plan our pregnancies. It wouldn't be something she did not sign up to.


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## RunFromYourWife (Feb 14, 2013)

Waking up to life said:


> Which one of you was the unfaithful one? Only two months out from the discovery of infidelity is pretty soon to be pushing to have a baby. Given the infidelity, you'd be much wiser to really ensure your marriage is rock solid before brining another child into the mix. Were you already pushing to have another baby before the infidelity occurred? Or was this brought up afterward as a means to try to rugsweep the issue?


I have always wanted 3 or 4 children, and we have been talking about having a girl for probably 3 years. This is not a recent development.


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## kittykatz (Feb 22, 2013)

RunFromYourWife said:


> What is the difference if we break up anyway since we already have 2 children? What's one more? You cannot guarantee any relationship, with my wife or a future one for that matter, is going to last forever. Let alone, I don't have forever. I am not having children after maybe another 1-2 years down the road. After that, I'm done. Working with a compressed timeline here.


Well if thats the way you look at it then go for it... I know you can't guarantee any relationship but you're telling us that the relationship that you currently have with your wife is not the best that it could be... so that tells me that you are having doubts whether you're going to stay together. I just personally wouldnt bring another child into it if I was having doubts about the relationship.... Its not fair to the child. I would only bring a child into this world if I was with someone that I was happy with and could see myself being with forever. If we still ended up breaking up in the long run, oh well.... things happen. But at least it would be better than bringing a child into an already rocky relationship and already knowing that theres a good chance it wont last. Thats just me though. If you don't look at it that way, and you are determined to have a child within the next year or two, then by all means, do what makes you happy. Its your life.


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