# WS goes with AP - think it happens more than we think?



## CantBelieveThis (Feb 25, 2014)

so I know now of at least 3 cases verified locally where the CS has left the BS for their AP upon DDay, and 2 of them have married and even have kids together now...
point is I think this notion of CS/AP never working out long term, or that they will never leave their BS might not be as we like to believe and I think unfortunately it does happen more than we think, and CS do leave their BS for AP and that it does work out just fine more often than not....
its sad and angers me, but I think it might be true...that has to be a totally devastating experience for the BS, to be discarded like garbage, tossed away for another lover and seen them work out long term......uughhh


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

I've never seen it close up but have heard of it. Had a work buddy marry a girl that I later found out was cheating on her live in bf years ago. As far as I know, they are still married. 

That tells me that it's likely rare, but does happen.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I think that is another myth that gets perpetrated here: that it never works out between the WS and their AP in the long haul. 

LoveMyJava's WW seems fully entrenched with her AP. And AllyBabe left Dingerdad and is now in a LTR with her AP. 

My best childhood friend's mom left his dad for another man and married him when my friend was a kid. They were together a good 35 years and seemed to have a stable marriage before the guy died about five years ago.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

People staying together doesn’t mean they’re happy. Marriages on average, that stem from affairs, usually have higher divorce rates than first marriages. Usually, because two cheaters realize that they married cheaters, and that’s when the problems of distrust come in. Or they cheat on each other and they don’t want to suffer another divorce, so they hang on to the second, third…marriage, as to not appear like ‘’failures.’’ It’s not always what it seems. Nothing to envy when a cheater marries his mistress, because they both lack character.


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## truster (Jul 23, 2015)

My unscientific view of it based on stories around here is that the WS does go with the AP quite often. However, the relationship lasting after, say, 10 years is the rare part. I'm sure real numbers on that are very difficult if not impossible to get, though.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Depends on what you'd consider long term, I suppose. The oft-cited stats are what... 3% chance of a WS and his or her AP making it 5 years? Or is 10 years?

Either way, yes -- it's going to happen from time to time. And yes, these cases will sometimes be seen in "clusters". Still, these instances are clearly the outliers.

Honestly, though, who cares? In 100% of these cases, the cheating Cheaty McCheaterpants is gone.

And that's _always_ good.

:smthumbup:
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## metallicaluvr (Feb 25, 2016)

there is no such thing as justice in this world. two AP's can live happily ever after...sigh


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Why is this a surprise to most folks? Often when you have an affair, you're already out of love with your spouse. It ain't like your pet dug under the fence and is running at large around the neighborhood and all you need to do is retrieve the pet and patch the hole.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

So the AP wins themselves someone who they know for sure will cheat when the going gets tough. 1 thing I have learned from TAM - you don't know what's going on in someone else's marriage. The only ones who really know are the people in that marriage. Sometimes not even them if they don't know they're being cheated on. All you know, these "happy" couples that emerge from cheating are still married. Doesn't mean neither is cheating. Doesn't mean either one is necessarily happy. I applaud the WS who come here to come clean with their spouse and try and fix their marriage. It's a rare one who owns their mistake and is willing to do the legwork to fix their marriage. The WS who leave for their AP are generally without the willingness to follow through on a marriage to someone they pledged to love and support forever. Maybe I'm in the minority here, but I don't see any particular profit in a BS who has been left by a remorseless WS feeling they are garbage. It's really a lucky escape from someone without morals or compassion. BS should count their lucky stars, and move on with someone who IS capable of being faithful and sticking with it when things get tough.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

I'm sure it happens but it doesn't matter. Once someone cheats and you divorce them, then whatever they do with their life is no longer your business. I was never looking for payback for my XWW, I just wanted her out of my life and beyond that, who cares?


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## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

I know a couple where the woman was engaged to the guy's friend, and they started screwing around behind his back, then they got caught, and actually married each other awhile later. They are still married after 15 years!

I've heard the guy tell the story about how they met, and it's like he's almost proud of it? like he won a prize. Or how he thinks it shows they were truly made for each other? ugh

there's usually an awkward pause after he tells the story....yeah, man, you just told a table full of people that your wife was a cheating wh0re, and you're a backstabbing 'friend'. ick. some people.


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## Blacksmith01 (Aug 12, 2013)

Then at the end of the day who really cares. Yes it hurts at first but put it in a different context. Would you really care if the trash took itself out?


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

My ex is with the d0uchebag that she left me for, for about 4.5 years now (including 6 mos or so while we were still living together). They also waited almost THREE YEARS before coming out to her family (and me) for some reason. I was like, "Oh yeah, that's Sancho. I recognize him from some research I did a few years ago. Cool." I really considered letting her family know who he is, but it had been long enough that I really didn't care enough anymore to bother. I'm sure she told them some fairy tale about how they met, but they are the ones that have to look themselves in the mirror every day. 

My ex is now battling breast cancer; lost all her hair, and is very sick from chemo about half the time. I fear Sancho might start seeing greener pastures, and take off. I honestly hope he doesn't, but people with no honor and integrity don't tend to stick it out through hard times.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

CantBelieveIt,

Even more often perhaps the affair is not discovered or is rugswept and the wife leaves you emotionally and remains bonded to the OM for years. That's another form of long term "success" for an affair.

Tamat


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## Zanne (Dec 7, 2012)

.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

I say affair partners should stay together. They're both cheats and deserve each other. Who else would want them, but another cheater?


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## CthulhuLives69 (Mar 14, 2016)

My ex-wife stayed with her AP. They've been together over twice as long as she was with me. 

5 years total with me and 13 with him so far.

There's a part of me that's glad they are together. At least she didn't cheat on me for a quick roll in the hay.

Then there's a part of me that thinks...the only reason she's stayed with him is she has put on 60+ lbs, aged 13 years and wouldn't be able to attract anyone else so has settled.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

ThePheonix said:


> Why is this a surprise to most folks? Often when you have an affair, you're already out of love with your spouse. It ain't like your pet dug under the fence and is running at large around the neighborhood and all you need to do is retrieve the pet and patch the hole.


Phoenix, are you a past cheater????


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

My dad was a serial cheater, but my mom didn't know it. He fell in love with his last AP, left my mom, married the AP, and they were together for over 10 years. He had a heart attack and became severely disabled. She was devoted to him. Despite being 15 years younger than my dad, she died of a heart attack six months after he became disabled.
One of my uncles left his wife of 30+ years for his AP. He divorced his wife and married the OW. I stopped speaking to my uncle, so I cannot comment on the state of his marriage, but since this is at least her third marriage, I doubt it will last.
I'm sure it happens all the time. Never assume it's just a fling.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

I'm (sort of) an example of this. See "my story" in private for details.


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

truster said:


> My unscientific view of it based on stories around here is that the WS does go with the AP quite often. However, the relationship lasting after, say, 10 years is the rare part. I'm sure real numbers on that are very difficult if not impossible to get, though.



Exactly.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

I think 3% is an absurdly low and unrealistic number. If I had to take a guess it's probably around 15-20%.

But I don't consider it a victory on their part, far from it. They deserve each other and the inevitable mistrust.

For me, it's like just two more cheats off the street that would otherwise be available to lie to someone else.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Evinrude58 said:


> Phoenix, are you a past cheater????


He's a former male escort.


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## CantBelieveThis (Feb 25, 2014)

I suppose I still get stumped by the seemingly endless cruelty levels of infidelity. Even almost 3 years after my own dday, is beyond me how can a CS do that , breakup their family, affect their kids and bail out with the cheating AP, how can they live with themselves ever??? I couldnt, even if I was in the so called "unhappy" marriage, cant do it. I could live with divorcing and then finding someone else after a good amount of time has passed....but thats about it.
If they get caught they should at least end it immediately, even with no R on the table, at the very least have some decency for the BS and your family, and get together with AP after divorce is final and done.
This hits close to home because my xWW had mentioned a couple times to both me and the AP how she didnt want to end things with AP even after dday when I found out, even thou this only lasted for a week, it was the week from hell that I will never forget.
what allows them to do this? is this all part of the "fog" , I guess not so much if there are CS that have walked away with AP forever, that cant be the affair fog...ugh, I bet you can tell am triggering today....


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Life is not fair and I think more WS leave instead of working on the marriage. They stupidly think that is the easiest route because too much damage has been done. 

Sadly the opposite is true, but how could they have fu$ked up soooo royally? Can't we BS understand that they deserved a second chance at love?...gag me!!!


Most WS truly believe that they don't love their BS anymore. After all, how can you cheat on someone you love? Fog? What fog? They are certain of one thing. Their love for the BS is long gone and they have been miserable for much longer than we think, but it wasn't until "their soulmate" appeared that they had the balls to set up a nest elsewhere. 

Don't drink their Kool aid! They villainize the BS in order to justify the damage they cause. The caring, loyal, honest, faithful spouse is replace by Mr./Mrs. Hyde! 

Don't forget very few marriages survive infidelity! Just look at the reconciliation part of this forum. Most of our relationships become a casualty of infidelity and don't weather the infidelity tsunami...sigh

P


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

metallicaluvr said:


> there is no such thing as justice in this world. two AP's can live happily ever after...sigh


Actually, come to think of it, I knew two couples growing up who's marriages started out as affairs: the first one I mentioned before, and the second one was a lady I knew well growing up who left her husband for a superior court judge. 

They have been married now for over twenty years. But their marriage, to me, does not seem a happy one. He (the judge) is a bona-fide narcissist, and she herself has long had a rep as one of the town bicycles. She had affairs and ONS all through her first marriage, and it would not surprise me if she has had a few on her new AP/husband. But that is just my speculation. 

What is interesting with both women I mentioned, is that both of them had affairs with and married narcissistic jerks. Neither of those guys was the kind of guy I would walk across the street to shake hands with. They were both unlikeable idiots. 

Seems to be a pattern.


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## weltschmerz (Feb 18, 2016)

CantBelieveThis said:


> so I know now of at least 3 cases verified locally where the CS has left the BS for their AP upon DDay, and 2 of them have married and even have kids together now...
> point is I think this notion of CS/AP never working out long term, or that they will never leave their BS might not be as we like to believe and I think unfortunately it does happen more than we think, and CS do leave their BS for AP and that it does work out just fine more often than not....
> its sad and angers me, but I think it might be true...that has to be a totally devastating experience for the BS, to be discarded like garbage, tossed away for another lover and seen them work out long term......uughhh


Litter begets litter. Sometimes they stick together like warts. Doesn't change the fact that they're still rubbish. Well, as time goes it dries up and you don't really notice it cos it doesn't smell as bad, just an annoying sight. Oh look, they spawned a couple of really ugly kids too, pity those unlucky children.


I think the advice on this site is good but it still follows the narrative of the WS being the ultimate prize - I'll show those no good cheating tossers, she'll come begging back.

This thread isn't much different from the "Crawling back" one.

I've wondered about this for a whole month now, why'd my wife fall for this wanker? Why was she willing to put my child and our marriage at risk for this knobhead? What would have happened had I not discovered the msgs? Would she have dumped me out of the blue?

The more I think about it, the more I realise that it just doesn't matter cos she's not who I signed up to be married to. That person doesn't exist. This is the real her, she must find it amusing going behind my back and taking the piss.

Well I'm taking the rubbish out before it stinks the place up.


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## metallicaluvr (Feb 25, 2016)

"the town bicycle" LOL MAN and yeah stupid women got attracted to *******s and paid the price


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

If we're talking people who were married and left for AP's, then went on to marry the AP, I've know 6 couples off the top of my head. 

If we're talking committed relationship without marriage and one partner left for an AP and successfully married, I've know many more over the years.

Since the list is shorter by a long shot, I'll just speak of AP's that married.

I am one. I left my exH and married my AP, who was single. We've been married 13 years, together for a total of 16.

My friend J was married to a woman named A. She became involved with a man named S, who was also married. A and S left their marriages for each other and have been together for somewhere around 12 years. They haven't married, but they live as if they are married and are raising a "yours, mine, and ours" bunch of kids together.

The other 4 of 6 I know personally are no longer together. 2 of those couples dated for between months and years, respectively, and then split up. The other 2 married and were divorced near, but under, 10 years later.

*time passes*

I talked to a friend and this came up. I need to revise. My friend R married Moose Head B!tch. (Long story on the nickname, but it fits)

Long story, but he's a bit older than the rest of us and was engaged to MSB in '89. They broke up and she almost immediately married someone else. After 20+ years, R and MSB reconnected. They had a brief affair and she left her marriage of over 20 years for R. They have been a couple for about 3 years and married for almost 2.

So, the total is now 7 relationships spawned by affairs, resulting in 5 marriages, 3 of which are intact, and 2 of which have lasted more than 10 years.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

MJJEAN said:


> If we're talking people who were married and left for AP's, then went on to marry the AP, I've know 6 couples off the top of my head.
> 
> If we're talking committed relationship without marriage and one partner left for an AP and successfully married, I've know many more over the years.
> 
> ...


Wow you have an interesting social circle >

And the kids in your friends "live in situation" I'm sure that is great for them....SMH


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

FYI a higher divorce rate for second marriages and third marriages exists even without infidelity - it makes sense that divorce in second marriage from infidelity would even be higher since you have two people coming together who cant trust each other and don't mind steamrolling other peoples lives including their kids to get what they want...

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blo...-high-failure-rate-second-and-third-marriages

I feel the worst for the kids who have to live through the messes their parents make....


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Uh....yeah....

MJ, if you ever consider inviting me to a party with your social circle....don't.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

You know, the only fitting outcome for either POSOM who "injected" himself into my marriage would be for the him to actually end up with my exWW long term. Now that would be a POSOM getting what he deserved.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Truthseeker1 said:


> Wow you have an interesting social circle >
> 
> And the kids in your friends "live in situation" I'm sure that is great for them....SMH


Most are people I've known since High School. The majority married young and stayed near where we grew up or left briefly and came back. We all stayed in touch and were witness to each others relationship catastrophes.

You have nooo idea about A and S and their live in situation. *shudder* 

Condensed version, I was J's friend before he married A. I did not exactly approve of the marriage, but J was so damn certain he was in love and she was it that telling him about doubts was useless.

During the marriage, she was diagnosed Bi Polar. The MM she was cheating with and who also left his marriage was diagnosed schizophrenic. They are completely unstable people and are usually only on their meds when children's services gets involved.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

MJJEAN said:


> Most are people I've known since High School. The majority married young and stayed near where we grew up or left briefly and came back. We all stayed in touch and were witness to each others relationship catastrophes.
> 
> You have nooo idea about A and S and their live in situation. *shudder*
> 
> ...



Can I ask you a question - how many extreme cases of infidelity do you know? I'm waiting for a story from you that goes like this - he ran off with his secretary - end of story - you certainly have been through a lot...


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

CynthiaDe said:


> My dad was a serial cheater, but my mom didn't know it. He fell in love with his last AP, left my mom, married the AP, and they were together for over 10 years. He had a heart attack and became severely disabled. She was devoted to him. Despite being 15 years younger than my dad, she died of a heart attack six months after he became disabled.
> One of my uncles left his wife of 30+ years for his AP. He divorced his wife and married the OW. I stopped speaking to my uncle, so I cannot comment on the state of his marriage, but since this is at least her third marriage, I doubt it will last.
> I'm sure it happens all the time. Never assume it's just a fling.


Good post. I agree. 

But it does tend to kill off another TAM legend that when one spouse leaves the marriage for the affair partner, that marriage almost never lasts.

And if one thinks about it, it also puts paid to the notion that once a cheater, always a cheater.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

bandit.45 said:


> Uh....yeah....
> 
> MJ, if you ever consider inviting me to a party with your social circle....don't.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Hehehe, I don't hang out with them very often. More an occasional phone call and a few Facebook messages these days. We do show up for each others big events like marriages, births, deaths, and serious illnesses, though.


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

bandit.45 said:


> Actually, come to think of it, I knew two couples growing up who's marriages started out as affairs: the first one I mentioned before, and the second one was a lady I knew well growing up who left her husband for a superior court judge.
> 
> They have been married now for over twenty years. But their marriage, to me, does not seem a happy one. He (the judge) is a bona-fide narcissist, and she herself has long had a rep as one of the town bicycles. She had affairs and ONS all through her first marriage, and it would not surprise me if she has had a few on her new AP/husband. But that is just my speculation.
> 
> ...


I think that many of us go for "types". The typing may not be exact, but still...


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

ThePheonix said:


> Why is this a surprise to most folks? Often when you have an affair, you're already out of love with your spouse. It ain't like your pet dug under the fence and is running at large around the neighborhood and all you need to do is retrieve the pet and patch the hole.


Let me give this a tune-up!

You need to have love, to lose love. In most cases of infidelity, love is secondary to ego, lust, selfishness. WS never had it to begin with.

Love is not the same for everyone. The wall of love has a foundation and has many interlocking bricks to keep it upright. The cheater is not a wall builder....rather is a wall breaker. 

The wayward pooch digs a hole and crawls out of the fenced boundaries of his owner. 

The wayward spouse crawls out from under the rock in the husband's garden...... and she does this at night to join the other slippery slugs in a quest for mucoid exchange and green leaf munching. 

Dogs do what dogs do [sometimes doodoo, in McGregor's yard]

Cheaters do what cheaters do. They do-in the marriage. Large mouth Bass..turdes ...they be.

I needed to clear this up. I have great respect for dogs.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Truthseeker1 said:


> Can I ask you a question - how many extreme cases of infidelity do you know? I'm waiting for a story from you that goes like this - he ran off with his secretary - end of story - you certainly have been through a lot...


Define extreme. :laugh:

I came from a huge extended family that was pretty tight knit and had a decent sized social group I stayed in touch with and added to since my early teens. I know a lot of people and most of them either were family or might as well have been family.

I know stories from "We met at a Goth club." to "We met at an illegal bar in Saudi."

Ah, hell. That makes 8. My Uncle K married when he was in the Army. After the first Gulf War, he decided to retire after 20 years service. He took a contract as a civilian in Saudi, his wife had an affair while he was gone, got busted by one of the kids when he was home for a visit, and they divorced. She married her AP and they're still together.

He had to finish out his contract in Saudi, and he got custody of the kids, so my parents and I got to take care of some young cousins for a couple years until he could come home. He met his current wife at an illegal bar while he was still in Saudi.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

sidney2718 said:


> Good post. I agree.
> 
> But it does tend to kill off another TAM legend that when one spouse leaves the marriage for the affair partner, that marriage almost never lasts.
> 
> And if one thinks about it, it also puts paid to the notion that once a cheater, always a cheater.


I always wondered if my dad was cheating on his second wife. He probably was. I wouldn't bother asking, because
1. He has lost most of his memory due to a brain injury from his heart attack.
2. He would lie if he was.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Evinrude58 said:


> Phoenix, are you a past cheater????


Three decades ago, I had a female friend who owned salon and spa that would set me up with mostly married women. I was single about half of this time. I've been out of that business since I married my current wife slightly more than 20 years ago. (she wasn't my client)


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Having analyzed my RSXW's dual affairs, I really think that she wanted one of the guys very badly! Moreso than he wanted her ~ she saw him as a bonafide prospect ~ he saw her solely as a FWB. That was good enough for her until such time that she desired some continuity in the relationship, so she shut his water off to find some other local guy who caught her eye and was stupid enough to sign her rather complicated prenup!

Anyone who disses her, or that she disses or cheats on, she simply wouldn't give a drop of the sweat off of her Size B saggers if they were literally on fire!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## weltschmerz (Feb 18, 2016)

arbitrator said:


> *Having analyzed my RSXW's dual affairs, I really think that she wanted one of the guys very badly! Moreso than he wanted her ~ she saw him as a bonafide prospect ~ he saw her solely as a FWB. That was good enough for her until such time that she desired some continuity in the relationship, so she shut his water off to find some other local guy who caught her eye and was stupid enough to sign her rather complicated prenup!
> 
> Anyone who disses her, or that she disses or cheats on, she simply wouldn't give a drop of the sweat off of her Size B saggers if they were literally on fire!*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


What does RSXW stand for?


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

My mother screwed around on my father many moons ago. Late 70s. She met the guy at work and ended up divorcing my father and married the OM.

Almost 30 years later they divorced after he screwed around on my "mother" (have not seen or spoken to her for two decades). I found this out from my cousin.

One data point.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

weltschmerz said:


> What does RSXW stand for?


*It's a registered acronym by one of my very dear friends here at TAM! 

With many thanks to @GusPolinski

RSXW = Rich, Skanky Ex-Wife*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

Interesting thread. It does make me wonder how often people get divorced and marry their AP without their spouse ever finding out. I think we all know more than one person that got the ILYBINILWY speech, ended up divorced, and their spouse all of a sudden gets engaged to an acquaintance or co-worker and claims that it "just happened".

I'm inclined to to think those relationships have a better chance of making it. Primarily because they don't have to deal with the pressure of family and friends for marrying the home wrecker or POSOM. People just kind of give them the benefit of the doubt. I've always been suspicious of divorced people who find someone really quickly, especially when they never gave their spouse a real reason why they wanted to leave in the first place.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

MJJEAN said:


> Hehehe, I don't hang out with them very often. More an occasional phone call and a few Facebook messages these days. We do show up for each others big events like marriages, births, deaths, and serious illnesses, though.


Good. They are not good for you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

bandit.45 said:


> What is interesting with both women I mentioned, is that both of them had affairs with and married narcissistic jerks. Neither of those guys was the kind of guy I would walk across the street to shake hands with. They were both unlikeable idiots.
> 
> Seems to be a pattern.


You surprised? I'm not. Scum is attracted to other scum because they can relate to each other. If he wasn't a narcissistic jerk he probably wouldn't be cheating in the first place.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

If there was cheating involved prior to hooking up, one or both of them will always be on their guard for the rest of their married life. If they can cheat with you, they can cheat on you and having done it once, makes it easier the next time round.

That can't be pleasant even if they manage to stay married. Something is lost in the relationship.


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## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

*Deidre* said:


> People staying together doesn’t mean they’re happy. Marriages on average, that stem from affairs, usually have higher divorce rates than first marriages. Usually, because two cheaters realize that they married cheaters, and that’s when the problems of distrust come in. Or they cheat on each other and they don’t want to suffer another divorce, so they hang on to the second, third…marriage, as to not appear like ‘’failures.’’ It’s not always what it seems. Nothing to envy when a cheater marries his mistress, because they both lack character.



But can't it be that when you marry the first time, you are naive to what you want in a partner, and then when you mature up, you know what exactly you want, find someone who fits, and make a wise and mature decision rather than a hormone-influenced one and are happy?


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## betrayed16 (Oct 23, 2014)

nirvana said:


> But can't it be that when you marry the first time, you are naive to what you want in a partner, and then when you mature up, you know what exactly you want, find someone who fits, and make a wise and mature decision rather than a hormone-influenced one and are happy?


Having an affair is not a sign of emotional maturity. It's the exact opposite. Maturity would be ending the marriage if you see no hope for it and seeking the "right" someone after that.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

betrayed16 said:


> Having an affair is not a sign of emotional maturity. It's the exact opposite. Maturity would be ending the marriage if you see no hope for it and seeking the "right" someone after that.


Agreed - Cheating to cope with martial difficulties is a character issue..


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Just as bad things can happen to good people, good things can happen to bad people. We all must find ways to cope with life, either way.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

My sister-in-law cheated on her husband with his best friend and when they got caught she married her husband's friend. They have been married 30 years and have twin girls. They are a very stable couple. All others I knew that married a cheating spouse ended up getting cheated on themselves. We live in a time where serial monogamy is the norm. The reasons for marriage really do not exist anymore and divorce is a billion dollar industry with do it yourself kits online. There are large websites for cheaters and easy access to others via social media.

When I lived in Texas when there were no alimony laws and a divorce cost $250, many marital arguments ended in divorce. Then the partners would have sex with as many people as possible before they remarried. Our neighbors were marred and remarried 6 times. The wife was a total s**t. We ate dinner with them and she put her hand under the table and started to rub my crotch. Her husband saw her and yelled at her. I tried to tell him I had nothing to do with it but he said it is his wife's fault because she has to have sex with any attractive guy she sees. I have also had another good friend's wife play with me under a blanket and find excuses to be alone with me. I knew their marriage would not last and when she became a masseuse, it was not long before she was giving a guy happy endings before marrying him.

If it helps, the divorce rate for second marriages is 62% and goes up to 83% for the third marriage. The more you marry the greater the chance of divorce. I think a lot has to do with why you got married in the first place. I have noticed that those who were together for a very long time before marriage do not do well. They are together for so long that they become comfortable with each other and figure that the next step in their relationship is marriage. Their love and sex life has cooled down before their marriage and it has nowhere to go but down from there. If you lived together for 5 years and then get married, you are entering marriage at the 6th year when sex and love has matured and cooled down. Marriage is not as exciting as it would be for those who were not together for a long time. They can explore each other, find out what living together is like and basically will not cool off for a few years. Then the wife, usually, meets a guy who courts her. Laughs at all of her jokes, tells her how sexy and beautiful she is whenever he sees her, while the husband stopped doing that I long time ago. So it really depends why you married in the first place as to the success of a second marriage.


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

manfromlamancha said:


> If there was cheating involved prior to hooking up, one or both of them will always be on their guard for the rest of their married life. If they can cheat with you, they can cheat on you and having done it once, makes it easier the next time round.
> 
> That can't be pleasant even if they manage to stay married. Something is lost in the relationship.


Some months ago, I drove by the POSOM walking by. I stopped and had a "nice chat" with him, as its been about 3 weeks that my WW moved in together with the POSOM into a new place.

I said something along the lines "What makes you think she won't cheat or runaway from you? She's done it 4 times already". I used fuzzy math inflate that number - F-him, they lied to me. Then I drove off - while he had a rather dumb look on his face. Minutes later, my wayward text me, pissed off I told him such a thing.

Oh well.

Little over a week, she left him.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

TaDor said:


> Some months ago, I drove by the POSOM walking by. I stopped and had a "nice chat" with him, as its been about 3 weeks that my WW moved in together with the POSOM into a new place.
> 
> I said something along the lines "What makes you think she won't cheat or runaway from you? She's done it 4 times already". I used fuzzy math inflate that number - F-him, they lied to me. Then I drove off - while he had a rather dumb look on his face. Minutes later, my wayward text me, pissed off I told him such a thing.
> 
> ...


lol
I know someone who did a similar thing. It was quite funny.


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## CantBelieveThis (Feb 25, 2014)

I would think BS whom their CS has dumped them for AP would have just as hard recovery as those that R or D? I know if my wife left me for another man and went on to live a full life openly, it would be very hard on me, maybe some issue I have that I need to fix with counseling because heck who says it might not happen to me anyways. 
Although am now in a good R I know very well I can't ever not think that will never happen to me and be that naïve. After you are betrayed just once you quickly learn that you need to always be prepared for the worse no matter how unthinkable it might be.... 

Sent from my SM-T700 using Tapatalk


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## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

I’ve seen this go both ways but the odds are against them. 

In my life time, I’ve known of 3 different couples where one of them was cheating and ended up divorcing so they could be with their AP. One couple lives in my neighborhood. Her BH moved out and her OM moved in. They have been together for close to 10 years now. I work with another couple who have been together for about 6 years and live together but have never married. The third couple moved out of state and I assume (Facebook) that they are still married. Of course I am not close to any of these couples, for obvious reasons, so I couldn’t comment on their quality of life.

Personally I’ve known at least 11 different husbands over the years, that were cheated on. All of them ended up divorcing. Only a couple of their XWW’s are still with their OP. The rest didn’t last more than a year, or two at the most. 

Personally, my first XWW and her OM moved in together after I kicked her out. They split up with in two months. My second XWW’s OM dumped her about a month before our D was final. :rofl:


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## Disposable (Mar 14, 2016)

CantBelieveThis said:


> so I know now of at least 3 cases verified locally where the CS has left the BS for their AP upon DDay, and 2 of them have married and even have kids together now...
> point is I think this notion of CS/AP never working out long term, or that they will never leave their BS might not be as we like to believe and I think unfortunately it does happen more than we think, and CS do leave their BS for AP and that it does work out just fine more often than not....
> its sad and angers me, but I think it might be true...that has to be a totally devastating experience for the BS, to be discarded like garbage, tossed away for another lover and seen them work out long term......uughhh


CBT~
I am leaning towards your belief as well because I know of at least two people where this happened. Not sure why research and surveys figure theses numbers to be in low single digits, but I would estimate about 10-20% actually leave their spouses for the APs.

Also, the two cases I am familiar with (1 deceased 1 divorced) were both long term relationships 10-15 years.

When you think about it, it makes more sense than staying. You thought you found something better, so go with it. For me, its his coming back home after philandering for so many years (I just found out a year ago) that makes no sense.


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## Disposable (Mar 14, 2016)

CantBelieveThis said:


> I would think BS whom their CS has dumped them for AP would have just as hard recovery as those that R or D? I know if my wife left me for another man and went on to live a full life openly, it would be very hard on me, maybe some issue I have that I need to fix with counseling because heck who says it might not happen to me anyways.
> Although am now in a good R I know very well I can't ever not think that will never happen to me and be that naïve. After you are betrayed just once you quickly learn that you need to always be prepared for the worse no matter how unthinkable it might be....
> 
> Sent from my SM-T700 using Tapatalk


CBT- 
Certainly having your spouse cheat on you is devastating and when they leave you for the AP it shatters your world. However, my WH has been acting out for about 8 years (I believe it may be longer, maybe the entire 30 years of marriage). This final time, he was caught having in a full blown affair by the OW's H.

Of course, he says it was first affair (Yeah, right)

Since then, he has been by my side, being the husband I have always dreamed of. Acts of love, conversation, attentive, etc.

So my point is, we are understandably and deeply hurt when our spouses cheat and leave us for the AP. However, I feel like things really get CONFUSING and FUZZY when they CHEAT BUT COME BACK. So basically, he has come out of his fog but things are very foggy for me right now.

I would love to hear from WS that come back and tell us why.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

The only thing that might help a relationship between Affair Partners is that they both know that they are capable of leaving.

In a long term relationship, where both people know that divorce is off the table, partners can take each other for granted. 

I used to play squash with a guy that was on his second marriage. He said he has told his current wife that he won't put up with a sexless marriage. He expects sex 3 times a week. And he adds, "She knows I mean it, because she knows that is why I left my first marriage."


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## CantBelieveThis (Feb 25, 2014)

Good points. My xWW gave me the ILYBNILWU speech (by the I already knew she was havin affair, but she didn't know that I knew) and even told me she didn't think there was any chance in trying. That felt like a stab right thru the heart...
I have since told her "do you realize what u have done?? After 15y together u just pop that on me out of the blue like that w zero warning!!! Do you realize because of this I can't ever trust you again that you won't leave or just come out again one day and tell me you are leaving me for another man?? " she looks down and starts crying obviously unaware of the extent of her doing. 
She swares on everything she will never ever leave me for another man or tell me out of the blue that she doesn't want me anymore, but I tell her that I can't trust in her not to do that ever again, that's one of the things that her affair killed permanently... 
Also I recall vividly the exquisite pain of her telling me she loved him and not me anymore, I thought at that point she would leave me for him even thou she didn't say it, I remember this feeling coming down on me that was so painful that still affects me, I felt totally tossed aside and discarded like an old toy, I immediately had images of them together and happy and just cringing in pain with that... 

My point is I really can't imagine how do those that actually have gone thru it manage to make it... I know myself and I would fall into a massive depression, I know it, so here I sit wondering how do I make myself stronger to deal with such a cruel outcome from a WS , because I no longer live with that total innocence like before her affair that such thing will never happen. How does one prepare for that so that if it does happen you are ready and don't fall apart like I would? 

Sent from my SM-T700 using Tapatalk


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

I am not saying that the wayward spouse doesn't normally move in with the AP. What I am saying is that the life they have together is significantly different to what they had going forward. There is much less of a warm, fuzzy feeling knowing that they cheated to be together. They are always suspicious of each other and as some of you have said, this can go on for decades - still, not much fun.


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## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

If it hasn't been said , before, it should be said , now. We have to stop thinking in generalities. Statistics are for fools and prove exactly squat.. There are so many variables in any marriage (let alone one where there is infidelity), that statistics can mean anything to anyone. Whether a WS goes with the AP and makes it ....or not, or stays with the BS and makes it...or not, depends on probably hundreds (if not thousands) of issues. Keeping an open mind is hard in the case of cheating, but it is imperative to try to keep it open. 
OK, carry on.


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

Oh, I forgot to add: The POSOM was concerned that my WW was having sex with another guy, or would have sex with another guy. She told me about him bringing this up to her, I think after I told him the "nice chat", then she tells me about it, after she left the POSOM.

I found that amusing. I think he/they had a _special kind of love _that is the same with typical co-worker relationships. But its all the same, their love becomes an ugly thing once its out in the light, when family and friends can see what they are doing and the fantasy starts to crumble.

Whatever, we're past that and working on *R*.

PS: A long time ago, I had an ex-GF who stayed with a guy for an extra year or so because she wanted to prove me wrong that he was a crazy loozer.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

If only I could have been so lucky that the soulmates would have stayed together....at least long enough to get the divorce done. 

If they had stayed together long term it wouldn't have bothered me. He is an absolute lowlife who is a full time drunk and was cheating on her within a couple weeks of her moving in with him. If that made her "happy" good for her.


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## Maxo (Mar 8, 2016)

ThePheonix said:


> Why is this a surprise to most folks? Often when you have an affair, you're already out of love with your spouse. It ain't like your pet dug under the fence and is running at large around the neighborhood and all you need to do is retrieve the pet and patch the hole.


Thank God the OM took her off my hands. I thanked him,seriously.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Another thing that could effect this statistic..I'm not sure...perhaps the reason why many cheaters R or are alone is because their affair partner does not offer them a future - so they have no real option to be with them...


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

CantBelieveThis said:


> Good points. My xWW gave me the ILYBNILWU speech (by the I already knew she was havin affair, but she didn't know that I knew) and even told me she didn't think there was any chance in trying. That felt like a stab right thru the heart...
> I have since told her "do you realize what u have done?? After 15y together u just pop that on me out of the blue like that w zero warning!!! Do you realize because of this I can't ever trust you again that you won't leave or just come out again one day and tell me you are leaving me for another man?? " she looks down and starts crying obviously unaware of the extent of her doing.
> She swares on everything she will never ever leave me for another man or tell me out of the blue that she doesn't want me anymore, but I tell her that I can't trust in her not to do that ever again, that's one of the things that her affair killed permanently...
> Also I recall vividly the exquisite pain of her telling me she loved him and not me anymore, I thought at that point she would leave me for him even thou she didn't say it, I remember this feeling coming down on me that was so painful that still affects me, I felt totally tossed aside and discarded like an old toy, I immediately had images of them together and happy and just cringing in pain with that...
> ...


This is pretty much the definition of codependency. Work on creating and recognizing value in yourself, without your WS in the picture. You need to be prepared for this outcome no matter how trustworthy your SO is, much less a proven cheater. The only person you can ever truly trust is yourself.


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