# adhd / odd choice of love language..



## nader (May 4, 2011)

so.. last night I was cuddling with my wife, after being turned down for sex, and as we were falling asleep, I asked her, am I doing enough to make her feel loved? She said she knows I love her but she feels the most loved when I remember to do basic things like putting the toilet seat down, putting things in the right place, etc. The other day after taking out the Christmas tree I forgot to lock the back door and she flipped out.. I do forget to lock up every now and then and she gets tired of having to go behind me and check. 

She is on the OCD side and I am just a bit absent minded and forgetful at times, I try so hard to be mentally present and not drive her to madness with my scatterbrained-ness. She told me it is really about making her and our son feel safe and secure, that I would do anything to protect them. I guess what bugs me is how this is what makes her feel *the most loved* - more than flowers, jewelry, date nites, physical affection or regular things; just things any decent roommate should remember to do. I have taken medicine for this before and probably will again in the near future. 

I don't think she feels some rush of gratitude and warm-fuzziness every time she sees a locked door or a toilet seat in its place.. But for every time I remember to lock up or put down the toilet seat, I hear naaaaaaate!! she gets all exasperated and then lectures me for the next minute or so, putting a major damper on the whole evening.

In return, I told her the thing for me is physical affection.. more kissing, more sex, more cuddling, more oral .. all of it. She said that she would feel alot more willing if I remembered to do x,y and z, and that if she sucked me off every night it probably wouldn't make any difference. *I told her that we both should be giving it our best, and not just waiting until our needs are 100% met before we put forth more effort.* I just need her to understand that every time she refuses to kiss me back or turns me down with no good reason, I feel the same way she feels when I slip up around the house. Going to sleep I told her that this is every bit as important as the issues she's brought up with me. She was kind of like, ok, ok, like she was done talking.

This morning the put her arms around me a little while we were waiting to do laundry.. for a split second I thought she was going to do more but she refused. If she wanted to convey how much she loves me, she should be _hungry_ for me, but she isn't.

So, I think this our #1 reoccurring issue that we keep coming back to. We love each other very much but I just need to hear from some of you ladies (and gents!) on how to make this better - how to make her feel cherished and protected, and to unlock the part of her that makes me feel (physically) adored and respected like every husband wants to.

Obviously, remember to lock the damn door! But how to understand this and what is really making her tick here. we both think I think I'm a pretty swell husband, and I think try really hard.. but there is always room for improvement.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Is she ever hungry for you?

I have found in my marriage that my H and I are just very different sexual beings. My hunger ebbs and flows like the tides, the moon, and the seasons and his is as constant as gravity. 

At one point, he expected mine to be like his and couldn't understand why it wasn't and he would be hurt because of that. Which, of course, just made me feel somehow defective and hurt that he couldn't understand I was different.

But, we kept at it - learning about each other, observing each other, accepting each other - and we both slowly came to the realization that it is what it is, and we've had to learn to work with it.

Marriage is a constantly changing, dynamic work in progress, but too many people look at it as if it is static and unchanging.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Next time she has a go at you tell her she’s in for it, smile at her, chase her round the house and when you catch her put her over your knee and smack her bum.

And of course http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/18181-man-up-nice-guy-reference.html


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## nader (May 4, 2011)

> Is she ever hungry for you?


Every once in a blue moon she will jump me out of the blue and it will be incredible. Other times it is like she's doing me a favor. Or still other times, after I go down on her for like 5-10 minutes she will almost always beg for me to enter her and then it's almost always super hot. So it is definitely there but it needs to be unlocked. We have sex on average 1-3 times/week so I think we are fairly average in that regard. 

It just tears me up inside when she turns me down just because she doesn't feel like it. One night I asked 'what's the problem,' she said, 'I just don't FEEL like it,' and I responded, '*THAT'S* the problem!'

I realize I am better off than lots of people who post here but it still feels like something is missing.

'Bittersweet' I like your advice


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

nader said:


> Every once in a blue moon she will jump me out of the blue and it will be incredible. Other times it is like she's doing me a favor. Or still other times, after I go down on her for like 5-10 minutes she will almost always beg for me to enter her and then it's almost always super hot. So it is definitely there but it needs to be unlocked. We have sex on average 1-3 times/week so I think we are fairly average in that regard.
> 
> It just tears me up inside when she turns me down just because she doesn't feel like it. One night I asked 'what's the problem,' she said, 'I just don't FEEL like it,' and I responded, _'*THAT'S* the problem!'_
> 
> ...


You’ve got to do a lot better than that, that sounds petulant which of course is a massive turn off.

You’ve probably got to be somewhat of a different man, in that it’s you who has to change. It’s not all down to the man, my wife never said no in over 40 years but a lot of that was due to her values and beliefs of what being a wife is all about. But you do have to be creative in these things and not just expect to get your end away whenever you feel like it.

You have to make it good for her, for her to actually want you and to keep you. Read http://www.marriedmansexlife.com/, there are many good reports about it.

And what ever you do, do not be defensive about your wife’s attacks on you. Be playful and humorous about it and don’t let her see she’s getting to you.


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## nader (May 4, 2011)

Yeah I've been reading/posting here for awhile and I'm familiar with the generic manning up type concepts and I try to work on these.. last night when I said what I said I must have been in a bit of a rut and it doesn't always get to that point. 

But more specifically, I guess what gets to me the most is, according to her, *her love language seems to be 'stop doing/forgetting to do things that annoy me!'* rather than something positive and tangible. I guess it is some dialect of 'Acts of Service,' but it's just odd. It almost feels like some twisted way of turning the conversation into another airing of grievances.

Why is this??


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

People with Acts of Service as their Love Language DO get annoyed when a particular service isn’t carried out/performed. They actually feel let down and unloved. And your wife is proving that, but you seem to be in some sort of denial about it. It’s deep stuff. She’s said it’s important, you just forget, she gets annoyed and feels let down and unloved.

So by not locking the door you are actually DEMONSTRATING to her that you do not love her! Goodness if it’s that important to her make sure you get a reminder on your phone sometime before you go to bed. Locking doors should be profoundly important to you as well. You are there to protect and by not locking doors you are not protecting!

And of course you will at some point let her down. Nobody is perfect! You need to change your response to her when you do let her down.


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## nader (May 4, 2011)

I put a bunch of reminders of my phone just now.. That is one tangible, easy thing I can do that will almost surely help.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Here's another take that expands on the 'love language' concept. Pay special attention to the emotional need that is 'Domestic Support'. 

Maybe some of the other emotional needs are pertinent to your wife as well, and maybe some of them are additional ones that are relevant to you that she needs to know about.

The Most Important Emotional Needs

Best wishes.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

So ... she gave you a roadmap.

And you gave her one.

MEM has an excellent quotable about acknowledging that despite getting 90% of what you need to get, right, your partner choosing to focus only on the 10% you don't.

And that's bullsh!t.

Best thing I can suggest at this point is to focus on what she has asked you to focus on ... and ... cool things off emotionally. Don't get into the mindset of 'I just did x,y, and z ... so why aren't you holding up your end?'

You know whether or not you are doing a good job. You probably will need to get to the point where you are little more challenging about her lack of intimate response.

In a nutshell, she is focusing on what you don't do. And in the context you lay out, sounds like she is in a parent/child mind-set, and that is utterly toxic to intimacy.


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## alphapuppy (Jan 17, 2012)

It sounds like she is living in fear of something you can't protect her from. This is probably a lot deeper than your relationship. It's probably way down in her own brain.

That said, I agree with the poster who said that when you forget to lock the door, it's basically the same as her rejecting you. It is the message "Your needs don't matter to me right now."


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## alphapuppy (Jan 17, 2012)

PS I don't think her needs are all that strange, BTW. I feel so cared for when my spouse makes the physical space we share is neat and tidy. it shows respect for our domestic life. It's also easier to concentrate on feeling romantic when I don't feel like there is disgusting goo on every surface. Maybe it's OCD but just think of how nice a clean hotel room at a resort is when you first walk into it. I want my house to feel like that, like my oasis!


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## nader (May 4, 2011)

I may be overstating the locking up issue.. it is only a recent example. Other things include leaving lights on in the house, missing a spot if I am washing dishes. I think some of these things are legitimate and there are some times when she overreacts. But I do believe it all comes from wanting me to be her rock and someone she can count on to do things that need doing. And if it's important to her, it's important to me, just like sex/affection should be just as important to her whether she feels that way or not.

I'm always trying to wrap my head around it, but it seems no matter how hard I try there is always going to be something


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## alphapuppy (Jan 17, 2012)

It sounds like it could be a control issue. Again, probably deeper than your relationship. It's probably more about her. Can you see a therapist individually as well as together?


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## nader (May 4, 2011)

I think so.. but I don't feel like it's _primarily_ about control, as much as adjusting to a different lifestyle, sharing common space, etc. what makes you think it's about control?


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

nader said:


> I may be overstating the locking up issue.. it is only a recent example. Other things include leaving lights on in the house, missing a spot if I am washing dishes. I think some of these things are legitimate and there are some times when she overreacts. But I do believe it all comes from wanting me to be her rock and someone she can count on to do things that need doing. And if it's important to her, it's important to me, just like sex/affection should be just as important to her whether she feels that way or not.
> 
> I'm always trying to wrap my head around it, but it seems no matter how hard I try there is always going to be something


Is this type of behaviour “episodic” in that there’s peace and calm for a few weeks, “testing behaviour” for a few days or so and then peace and calm again? If it is episodic then look no further than the menstruation cycle. Some women do really suffer big time from it (and so do husbands because of it).

In these times I found it waaaaay better just to stay calm and duck. They are just having a go, a dig and I believe most of the time they well know it. The vast majority of women are totally in tune with their emotions 24x7, so they know what’s going on and they also know when they’re being unfair and ratty. And that’s why they really appreciate it when all you do is just duck and don’t add or subtract anything at all to their emotional state. They just appreciate the fact that you are not responding.

Then after a while (a few episodic cycles) because you are not responding your wife may well become truly appreciative of that fact. And if she’s anything like my wife she’ll modify her behaviour and not dig and poke at you “just” because she’s in one of her cycles.




I really would work on that security issue. And don't think of it as a non issue!!! Because again you are just telling her you do not love her. I think you have a massive amount of "waking up" to do. Read Awareness by Anthony de Mello before life really does pass you by.


Without security they don’t feel safe and that just adds to their negative emotions. I always took safety and security of the family and home as a really big thing. In your case I’d go further and ensure there are movement detectors outside the home so she feels even safer when she’s inside.


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