# Is my relationship normal?



## pkabad (Mar 29, 2013)

Hi,im new to this forum, i joined in order to see whether my relationship to my wife is typical, or if my wife's abusive... Or if im a bad husband.. We have only been married for 6 months and im 24..

Most of the day our relationship seems ok, we have good company with each other.. But there are a lot of moments which ticks her off at me.
Usually if i do something that annoys her, or that she doesn't like, she screams at me or insults me ironically.. Ive gotten so used to it i dont think about it anymore.. But ever so often, when we have a disagreement about something, she goes of in an episode where she screams at me, hits me, throw my things at the wall and says she wants to divorce me.. I try to never raise my voice back or hit her, most ive done is to take a hold of her arms.. 

The response which she projects to me i would expect if i had seriously mistreated her, but usually its ticked of by thimgs that i see as over reactions.. Like today, she started to scream at me after i looked at her computer when she was ordering some stuff online.. And i commented on the price, that it was more expensive than what i thought it would be.. After that a lot of screaming followed.. I asked her to lower her voice but she wouldn't.. Then she yelled at me to close the bedroom door, and i wouldn't until she lowered her voice.. Thats when the throwing of my things and hitting me started...

I feel really frightened of her when she is in this state..
I also feel that the constant threat of divorce from her every time we have an argument about something is making me very unhappy.. Sometimes her complaints are legitemate, like if some part of the house is messy.. But i dont feel she is entitled to act in certain ways that she does.. 

There seems like there is no moment for rational discussion about our disagreements or problems, cause her emotions jump directly to screaming insults and threats.. I sometimes think that if i behaved in this way, she would have left me a long time ago.. 

I don't know..
After these episodes she usually says she's sorry and that she cant control her emotions.. And we usually get back to normal again
But i cant help to feel sometimes that im married to a bully..

So is our relationship typical, or is something wrong?


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

She is a abusing you, nobody has the right to hit and throw things at you.

"After these episodes she usually says she's sorry and that she cant control her emotions"

This worries me, she needs to get medical help, please be safe. If she starts up leave, calmly get up and leave get help. Do her parents know about this? Did she exhibit this behavior while dating?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

By the way, yes couple disagree and argue but yelling, hitting and throwing things are not normal.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

It's typical for an abusive one. I assume that's not what you were looking for in a marriage. Don't tolerate the yelling, the name calling, and certainly not the hitting or throwing things. If she wants to act like a 5 year old she belongs in kindergarten and not in a marriage.
When she gets loud, calmly tell her you won't be disrespected and walk out. Nobody argues with themselves. If she threatens divorce, recommend a good lawyer and show her the door. She'd be doing you a major favor. If she seriously wanted to leave, she'd be gone. She threatens divorce as if it's just another ugly name to call you. They are words she uses as weapons. They hurt only if you let them. Once she sees they don't work on you, she'll quit. 
When she's rational, calmly explain that you aren't willing to live in a hostile home. You will both play this marriage game with mutual respect or you just won't play. There is no room for verbal or physical abuse in a marriage. Sane people can control their words and actions. Insane people belong in a mental hospital. Violent people belong in jail. She can get her head screwed on properly or she will find herself in either place. You've only got 6 months invested in her. There's very little motivation for you to suck sewage from this woman. Right now, you two are setting the roles you will fulfill for the rest of your life. You are on your way to being a forever abused, henpecked husband unless you stand up and demand respect. Divorce isn't great but it beats coming home to a war zone every day.


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## justforfun1222 (Feb 6, 2013)

Having been in an abusive relationship with my ex.. this is definitely abuse..mental, emotional, and physical. Not to label anything but with her mood swings the way you are describing them it sounds like she might have Bi-Polar disorder or something of the like. Be careful in this situation, women are not the only ones who end up in the hospital from domestic violence situations. We all want our marriages to work, we made that commitment, but it sounds like you have some deep thinking to do as to if you want to stay in this situation or not. What happens if you have kids and she is the same way with them? Please take care of yourself.. sounds like this could turn into a dangerous situation if she gets pissed off in the wrong way at the wrong time..


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I agree with the others. Your wife is abusing you by yelling, calling you names, hitting you and throwing things. You say that you are afraid of her.. you should be. I know of a woman who threw a land-line phone at her husband. It hit him in the head and killed him.

You wife says that she cannot control her anger and how she acts when angry? That’s a lie. She is absolutely in control of what she is doing. Like most abusive people she carefully picks the abuse she dishes out. 

Here’s the proof that she is in control. How does your wife behave in other situations? When she was in school, did she act like that? Did she call her teachers and classmates names and throw things and hit them? Does she do it in social gatherings or with her parents, siblings and extended family. Most likely you are the ONLY person she is acting like this with. She controls her anger and behavior when she knows she cannot get away with it. She’s been getting away with it around you, so she does it. Is the abuse escalating? It usually does over time.

Another bit of evidence that she’s in complete control is that she is so in control that the only things she is throwing and breaking are YOUR THINGS. She if she were out of control, she’d be throwing/breaking any and everything no matter who it belonged to. Does she break her own very expensive things.. nope, because she does not want to lose them.

Do you live in the USA? I only know the laws here about domestic violence. Your best bet is to just leave her and get a divorce. Most abusers never stop their behavior. You are in for a life-time of this if you stay with her.

If you stay with her, your best bet is to call the police the next time she physically attacks you and throws things. They will remove her from the house. She will most likely be forced by the court to go to counseling for her abusive behavior. But there is a problem. Since most abuse is by men against women, the police almost always assume that the man is abusing the woman. So you would need proof that she attacked you. What we normally recommend is that a guy get a VAR (voice activated recorder) and keep it on his person. This way he has a recording to play to the police of her attacking him. A hidden nanny cam in the house can do this as well. 

Whatever you do, never, ever touch your wife again when she comes after you in anger. Do not grab her arms or try to stop here. Just leave the house, get away from her. Or go to a room and lock yourself in so she cannot get to you. Then call the police. 


If you are going to stay with her I suggest you also go to a domestic violence abuse center and get counseling. The counseling is not going to stop the abuse. But it will help you figure out what you need to do.

But that’s one hell of a way to live… recording your wife to protect yourself, waiting to call the police, having to escape your house.

How long did you know her before you married her? Did you see this anger before that?


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## Gseries (Jan 6, 2013)

I've got a family member with exact same marriage. I eventually convinced him that W threatening divorce each time they argued was unacceptable. He told her this and she backed down. A lot had to do with her perception of marriage and her family history. She only hit him once but to me that's one time too many. That would require positive steps like counseling to forgive that. BL I feel bad for you get help now. Marriage should be something u cherish not fear.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## pkabad (Mar 29, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> How long did you know her before you married her? Did you see this anger before that?


I did know she had certain emotional issues when dealing with difficult situations and criticism.. Whenever we faced a difficult decision or situation she would react very strongly emotionally with screaming and crying, and how she wanted to break up, or give up on whatever problem we were dealing with, while i was trying to act more calmly.. But there wasn't any physical manifestation of her anger.. 

after a while she started throwing cushions at me, which i didn't really like, but didn't see as abusive per say.. 

But hitting me with her fists and throwing things is rather new..
I always asked her if she really wanted to break up when she said that she wanted to . and she always said that in the moment she wanted to, but not after it had past.. 

I knew her for two years before we got married.. Much of the first year was long distance, but the second year we lived together.. 

Although, being hit hurts.. probably not as much as if i were to be punched by i man, which i never have been.. Its the throwing of things and insults and degrading things she says to me that hurts me the most.. 

Although i try to swallow it, and not think about it after it happens.. It really impacts my well being, 
although i love her
these moments are becoming too difficult for me to handle.
Its difficult to make a decision on how to deal with it as well.. 
Cause if it was black and white the decision would be easy. But she is very sweet and supportive most of the time.. 


i could be in control of the situation, if i was the one who started screaming.. But im not, i always deal with our problems calmly.. if i did something horrible to her, i could understand it and deal with it as well, i could stop doing it.. But her angry episodes is motivated by many small things i do, that annoys her, and then it boils over.. she says.. Like asking her questions she doesn't want to answer, or, leaving my work-space in a mess.. and a lot of things that i don't realize are annoying to her.. 

Anyways.. I told her to start therapy a while ago, and i dont know if it works for her.. Cause these episodes still happen on a regular basis, like yesterday.. And her manifestation of her anger like hitting me and throwing my stuff around is becoming worse.. so i dont know how i should deal with this situation..


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

You have 6 months invested in this abuse, it's not going to change.

Divorce her before you bring children into this mess.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

The point about not bringing children into an abusive relationship is a real one to consider. She will do to your children what she is doing to you. Is this really the way you want your children to be treated by their mother?

You say that her hitting you does not leave you bruised so it's hard to take the physical abuse seriously. The problem is that at some point she could very well use something against you that will hurt you. 

For example one of my brothers was married to a woman who was much like your wife. One day he was holding their baby daughter when his wife started up one of her tirades and came after him with a butcher knife. He was able to get out of the house with his daughter. That was the day he left his wife for good.


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## devotion (Oct 8, 2012)

I saw some similar things in my previous marriage. Like you my wife wasn't really able to 'physically' hurt me because she's simply not that strong and I'm not that week, but its the action -- that someone thinks its ok to throw and take it physical -- that's the sign. 

I might give her the opportunity to change by telling her its NOT acceptable, but be ready to back that up with drastic action (ie leading to divorce) if necessary.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

First 
DO NOT HAVE ANY CHILDREN WITH YOUR WIFE!

Second
There is NOTHING normal about what your wife is doing. Her actions are very serious and will not get better with just time; probably worse!

Third
If you are willing to wait to see if the therapy is going to change things in her in a very substantial way then I take my hat off to you.

Fourth
If she does not change then you will only have a life of despair and pain if you stay with her. basically your life will be ruined.

Fifth
You do not have a child with her and do not have a whole lot invested in her at this point. If you do not make it with her then know that you have a very good chance of recovering and having a MUCH better life.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

PKA, I agree with the other respondants that you are in a toxic relationship with an abusive woman. The behaviors you describe -- irrational anger, verbal abuse, physical abuse, temper tantrums, and rapid flips between loving you and devaluing you -- are some of the classic traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), which my exW has. 

Of course, only a professional can determine whether her BPD traits are so severe as to satisfy 100% of the diagnostic criteria for having full-blown BPD. Yet, even when the traits fall well short of that diagnostic level, they can be strong enough to make your life miserable and undermine a marriage. Moreover, although you cannot render a diagnosis, you are capable of spotting the warning signs (i.e., the red flags) for BPD if you take time to learn what to look out for. 

There is nothing subtle about behavioral traits such as strong verbal abuse, temper tantrums, and rapid flips between Jekyll and Hyde. I therefore ask whether you've seen most of the following behaviors:

1. Black-white thinking, wherein she categorizes everyone as "all good" or "all bad" and will recategorize someone -- in just a few seconds -- from one polar extreme to the other based on a minor infraction;
2. Frequent use of all-or-nothing expressions like "you always" and "you never;"
3. Irrational jealousy and controlling behavior that tries to isolate you away from close friends or family members;
4. A strong sense of entitlement that prevents her from appreciating your sacrifices, resulting in a "what have you done for me lately?" attitude and a double standard;
5. Flipping, on a dime, between adoring you and devaluing you,;
6. Frequently creating drama over issues so minor that neither of you can recall what the fight was about two days later;
7. Low self esteem;
8. Verbal abuse and anger that is easily triggered, in seconds, by a minor thing you say or do (real or imagined), resulting in temper tantrums that typically last several hours;
9. Fear of abandonment or being alone -- evident in her expecting you to “be there” for her on demand, making unrealistic demands for the amount of time spent together, or responding with intense anger to even brief separations or slight changes in plans;
10. Always being "The Victim," a false self image she validates by blaming you for every misfortune;
11. Lack of impulse control, wherein she does reckless things without considering the consequences (e.g., binge eating or spending);
12. Complaining that all her previous BFs were abusive and claiming (during your courtship) that you are the only one who has treated her well;
13. Mirroring your personality and preferences so perfectly during the courtship period (e.g., enjoying everything and everyone you like) that you were convinced you had met your "soul mate;"
14. Relying on you to center and ground her, giving her a sense of direction because her goals otherwise keep changing every few months;
15. Relying on you to sooth her and calm her down, when she is stressed, because she has so little ability to do self soothing;
16. Having many casual friends but not any close long-term friends (unless they live a long distance away);
17. Taking on the personality of whatever person she is talking to, thereby acting quite differently around different types of people; and
18. Always convinced that her intense feelings accurately reflect reality -- to the point that she regards her own feelings as self-evident facts, despite her inability to support them with any hard evidence.
PKA, if most of those behavioral traits sound very familiar, I suggest you read more about BPD traits so you are able to spot the nine red flags. An easy place to start is my description of them in my post at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/33734-my-list-hell.html#post473522. If that description rings a bell, I would be glad to discuss it with you and point you to good online resources. Take care, PKA.


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## redwing_10 (Mar 29, 2012)

I have been in a similar marriage for 19 years. Not so much the physical stuff, although last summer there were several events of physical violence. But verbal abuse from the start. And threats of divorce. My advice... Run. Look at Uptowns list... I think my wife has BPD as well. My youngest turns 18 in June, and I am planning a divorce then... I should have done it long ago, but I was controlled by the threats and verbal abuse for years. Get out now...


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