# Preparing for 2nd marriage



## 2ndHandRose (Feb 22, 2017)

My fiancé and I are preparing for what will be a second marriage for both of us. We have both agreed that we want to take the time to make sure we are ready for this before we set a wedding date.

He is 54 years old. Married for about 10 years prior to his wife leaving him. He has 2 adult children ages 28 and 22. His ex left when the kids were 4 and 10. He had full physical custody, she had visitation only for a long time although the daughter went to live with her for a while after she graduated from college. His son still lives with him and they both work in the same local machine shop. He owns a small 3 bedroom ranch house with nearby lake access. He also has a motorboat but he hasn't used it in years. He had an LTR that lasted about 3 years before the woman told him she just couldn't care about him the way he wanted her to. I think she hurt him more than his ex did. The son has some ongoing emotional issues from his mother's abandonment.

I am 46 years old. Married in 1994, divorced in 2003. One son age 15. My ex is no longer in the picture since moving out of state in 2008. I inherited my grandparents 5 bedroom 1850 early Victorian farmhouse along with 100 acres of land which is leased out to a local farmer. This house was built by my gggrandfather and has never left the family. I am a research librarian at a very small private college.

We both make good money based on the local cost of living, our combined income would be just under $100,000 gross. However I have no mortgage and almost no debt. He has about 10 years on his mortgage, a car loan, and quite a bit of unsecured debt. He also consigned student loans for both of his kids. He has a tendency to spend too much money on vehicles - he has a boat, a motorcycle, a sport truck, a classic Corvette, and holds the loan on his son's VW sedan.

We've been dating for 3 years. Known each other all our lives, our parents are friends. Grew up in the same church which we both still attend. He proposed at Christmas. We both have some significant concerns about formally merging our lives that we want to settle prior to marriage.

First, I don't want to take responsibility for his debts. I have a fantastic credit rating and I don't want to screw it up.

Second, we haven't been able to agree on which house to sell - we each very much want to keep our own. I refuse to let my house go out of the family also I have spent most of my adult life fixing it up exactly the way I want it. He thinks we should sell it, pay off all debt, and retire early. (FYI my house is worth about $250,000 NOT including the farmland which was appraised at about $6000/acre. His house is worth about $80,000). He wants to keep his house because he loves living on the lake. The houses are only about 15 miles apart but in 2 different school districts - my son would have to change schools if we moved to his house.

Third - my son and his son don't get along. I also think at 22 his son needs to get a place of his own. It was fine when his dad was single but now I think he needs to grow up. His father disagrees and intends to let him stay as long as he wants. I don't actually know his son very well but he strikes me as very immature for his age. Shows no interest in girls or dating at all. I've wondered if perhaps he's gay and afraid to admit it but it's not really my problem. Might just be a mistrust of women because of his mother.

Fourth - we are both Christians and don't believe in sex outside of marriage. I know I haven't had sex since my divorce and I believe him when he says he hasn't either. I think we both have fairly low sex drives because I haven't really missed it and he says he hasn't either. But I'm a little concerned that he doesn't even seem all that interested in kissing or making out. He says he's afraid of losing control and going to far so he doesn't want to start something at all.

Fifth - my dad really doesn't like him. Thinks he's egotistical and materialistic. This concerns me because my dad never liked my ex either and it turned out he was right. I get along fine with his parents. His siblings though not so much. His sister's 2 boys have actually bullied my son in the past. We don't see much of them though they are like 16 and 18 now. I think his brother and sister don't like me because they're afraid he's going to get hurt again.

There's a part of me that feels like maybe we should just stay together but not get married. But we really do love each other and want to live together, but recognize that we shouldn't do so unless we are married. We both come from very conservative Christian backgrounds. But we're having some real problems especially where the houses are concerned.

Hoping there might be some advice here from others who have gone through the ups and downs of making a second marriage work.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

Unfortunately, it doesn't look good


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## MrNightly (Feb 6, 2017)

Sounds like a good case for a Prenup.

However, if both parties don't want to merge your lives together completely, die to yourselves unconditionally, why get married? Not for the sex apparently!

Why not just date?


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

So, you two have significant incompatibilities in financial and family matters, you already have concerns about the possible future of your sex life, and neither of you seems terribly interested in the types of compromises it's going to take to iron out these major issues. Blending independent and mature households is hard. Blending families is hard. That you two aren't on the same page about some very major issues means that it's going to be even harder. Honestly, it just sounds like either you two are the wrong people for one another, or like this is the wrong time for your relationship. 

I suggest continuing to date, but not marry. If you do decide to marry, get both of you into couple's counseling with someone who can help you both figure out how to address the glaring issues in your relationship in a way that's not going to leave one or both of you angry and resentful down the line. And do it before you tie the knot.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

Don't sell your house. He wants to sell YOUR house to pay off HIS debt. What the hell is wrong with that picture?! 

And, I agree about the son that's still living with him. While he may like his son around, he's not doing his son any favors on learning to grow the **** up. At their ages, he really shouldn't be financing any of their crap. You're financially responsible and he's a spender. That is not going to go well when you combine into 1 household. 

Why do you want to get married again?


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

H would like to pay off ALL his debt!!! Sorry no, I think coming to the table with a small amount of debt is ok. Home mortgages, colleges, credit card debt in a large amounts is not something I would advise taking on. 

Your STB is looking to retire on your dime. 

Enjoying companionship at your ages does not require marriage.

As a side note, my BIL was considering marriage to a young lady with $150K college loan. I know love is supposed to trump all but a house payment sized school loan as soon as you say I do??? Moving on.


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## Grapes (Oct 21, 2016)

Since the house seems to be the biggest issue - What about renting your house out? that way you dont have to sell it, youll make some money and it will be there to sell later on. Make it an income property.

As far as blending families i don't have experience but it sounds like he has a very strong bond with his son and he doesn't want to loose it. I agree that the kids old enough to start on his own and should but you cant force him to do it. It sounds like you expressed yourself to him and thats all you can do. You need to decide if its a deal breaker or not. Talk to him about his future plans, what he sees down the road. If his kid will always be there you need to decide if you stay or go.

What are the issues between the boys? Legitimate gripes or typical adolescent immaturity?


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

2ndHandRose said:


> Hoping there might be some advice here from others who have gone through the ups and downs of making a second marriage work.


Like a previous poster, I'm also curious about why you don't just keep dating since being platonic has been comfortable for both of you. You mentioned that his 22 year-old son has issues that aren't really your problem. They are about to become your problem if you get married and live together.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

If I'm you, there is NO. WAY. IN. HELL. that I sell that house.

End of discussion.


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## 2ndHandRose (Feb 22, 2017)

Steve1000 said:


> Like a previous poster, I'm also curious about why you don't just keep dating since being platonic has been comfortable for both of you. You mentioned that his 22 year-old son has issues that aren't really your problem. They are about to become your problem if you get married and live together.


Even though neither of us has a huge sex drive, we both agree that we don't want to go the rest of our lives without it. Nor do we want to grow old alone. At some point both of the boys will have moved out even if it does take a while. I could use a man to help with the house and farm and he's honestly sick of doing housework alone. On top of that we really do love each other. We just really make each other happy. None of our discussions about our future has turned into a fight. We get along great and have a lot in common. Plus, with our combined incomes, we'd be able to do some traveling. It wouldn't be appropriate for us to travel together if we aren't married.

On top of that, he was recently diagnosed with kidney disease and I don't like the idea of him being alone if something happens. I don't think his son is capable of coping with it.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

After reading over your situation one more time....you are taking on an entire host of problems that truly are not of your doing or your's to clean up/address. 

Enjoy your home and companionship...most of all...enjoy the freedom of not taking on your STB baggage.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

2ndHandRose said:


> Even though neither of us has a huge sex drive, we both agree that we don't want to go the rest of our lives without it. Nor do we want to grow old alone. At some point both of the boys will have moved out even if it does take a while. I could use a man to help with the house and farm and he's honestly sick of doing housework alone. On top of that we really do love each other. We just really make each other happy. None of our discussions about our future has turned into a fight. We get along great and have a lot in common. Plus, with our combined incomes, we'd be able to do some traveling. It wouldn't be appropriate for us to travel together if we aren't married.
> 
> On top of that, he was recently diagnosed with kidney disease and I don't like the idea of him being alone if something happens. I don't think his son is capable of coping with it.


Your future has not turned into a fight but it is brewing. I would think that is the reason you are here. IMO I believe your STB should sell off his home and pay off all his debt.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I'm in my 2nd marriage and there's no way I would sell your house, pay off all of HIS debts, and move in with his mooching son who he's already told you can mooch as long as he wants. 

All of the risk and sacrifice will be on you while he gets all of the benefit. 

Keep your house and tell him he can pay his own debts. Like someone else said maybe you can rent your house and try living with him for a while. 

If he's in it for your company that should be acceptable.

And get a prenup.


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## 2ndHandRose (Feb 22, 2017)

Grapes said:


> Since the house seems to be the biggest issue - What about renting your house out? that way you dont have to sell it, youll make some money and it will be there to sell later on. Make it an income property.
> 
> As far as blending families i don't have experience but it sounds like he has a very strong bond with his son and he doesn't want to loose it. I agree that the kids old enough to start on his own and should but you cant force him to do it. It sounds like you expressed yourself to him and thats all you can do. You need to decide if its a deal breaker or not. Talk to him about his future plans, what he sees down the road. If his kid will always be there you need to decide if you stay or go.
> 
> What are the issues between the boys? Legitimate gripes or typical adolescent immaturity?


I live in a college town. The only possible tenants would be students. I've put a significant of money into renovations on both the exterior and the interior of my house and there's no way I'm letting college students wreck it.

We have discussed the possibility of him moving into my house and letting his son stay at his house with us moving there in the summer for boating season. We've also discussed renting his house since it's far enough from the college to be safe. But being lakefront it would rent best in the summer which would be the time he'd want to be using it. What I'd really like to do is turn my house into a high end AirBnB and stay at his house when mine is in use. But he thinks that would be too much hassle. I also don't think he likes the kind of maintenance my 10 acre lawn requires. The other possibility is keeping the house but selling the farm land. It would bring a lot of money. But I can't sell it until the current tenant's lease is up.

As for the boys, I think his son is jealous of the time my son spends with his father. And his son isn't very bright and I think he dislikes my son because he is extremely intelligent. Plus my son is popular and athletic and his son is neither.

We've already talked about holding off on marriage until my son goes off to college. Or we could get married but maintain separate homes until the boys are gone. At least that would allow us to have some sex life.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

2ndHandRose said:


> Even though neither of us has a huge sex drive, we both agree that we don't want to go the rest of our lives without it. Nor do we want to grow old alone. At some point both of the boys will have moved out even if it does take a while. I could use a man to help with the house and farm and he's honestly sick of doing housework alone. On top of that we really do love each other. We just really make each other happy. None of our discussions about our future has turned into a fight. We get along great and have a lot in common. Plus, with our combined incomes, we'd be able to do some traveling. It wouldn't be appropriate for us to travel together if we aren't married.
> 
> On top of that, he was recently diagnosed with kidney disease and I don't like the idea of him being alone if something happens. I don't think his son is capable of coping with it.


You do have some valid reasons for marrying. However, don't depend on having a marriage that includes making love. His sex drive seems to be too low. In other words, being so comfortable with a platonic three-year relationship is somewhat of a red flag if you are expecting a regular sex life. 

When it comes to traveling, consider places that you never imagined were possible.


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## CanadaDry (Jan 17, 2017)

If he wants to pay off his debt he needs to sell his house and make the sacrifice. If he refuses then you know what kind of man he is and should rethink marrying him.


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## 2ndHandRose (Feb 22, 2017)

CanadaDry said:


> If he wants to pay off his debt he needs to sell his house and make the sacrifice. If he refuses then you know what kind of man he is and should rethink marrying him.


I tend to agree in thinking he needs to be the one to sell. However selling the house will not pay off his debt. Housing is very depressed where I live and it's doubtful he'd get what it's worth. The only thing he owns with any real monetary value is the Corvette Stingray (she's mint) and neither of us want to sell either the 'Vette or the bike. And he doesn't want to sell the boat which is annoying since he hasn't used it in years. Sometimes I think he only keeps it because he likes to impress people with this long list of things he owns. My dad thinks it's ego but I know him well enough to know it's a low self esteem issue. The women in his past messed him up pretty good. My divorce was far less painful than his.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

2ndHandRose said:


> And he doesn't want to sell the boat which is annoying since he hasn't used it in years. Sometimes I think he only keeps it because he likes to impress people with this long list of things he owns. My dad thinks it's ego but I know him well enough to know it's a low self esteem issue. The women in his past messed him up pretty good. My divorce was far less painful than his.


So you're going to marry a man who has a 22 year old son mooching off him, has lots of debt, low self esteem, and (in your words) he is "messed" up from the women in his past. Even from the title of your thread, my take is you came here to get support to marry this man, even with some rather serious issues.

I could be wrong, but that's how it comes across to me. At this point, it sounds awfully risky. I wouldn't marry him, but that's only my opinion. Your life. Your choice.


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## 2ndHandRose (Feb 22, 2017)

Prodigal said:


> So you're going to marry a man who has a 22 year old son mooching off him, has lots of debt, low self esteem, and (in your words) he is "messed" up from the women in his past. Even from the title of your thread, my take is you came here to get support to marry this man, even with some rather serious issues.
> 
> I could be wrong, but that's how it comes across to me. At this point, it sounds awfully risky. I wouldn't marry him, but that's only my opinion. Your life. Your choice.


I know you're right. Sometimes I think I'm giving him too much leeway because I've liked him for so long. We grew up in the same church and I remember having a crush on him when I was a teen. Cried when he got married. When I moved back home after my divorce he was with his only girlfriend between his wife and me and I remember feeling sorry he was taken. Then she hurt him so badly and I kind of held off because I knew he would need time to heal. But I always watched him in church and dreamed about hi. When he finally asked me out I was beyond thrilled. But I think maybe I have let too much go because I had dreamed about him for so long. Now I know the bad along with the good and I'm having trouble taking a step back and trying to view things objectively. I think if we could have sex and see if it helps or hurts the relationship that would be a good thing but he's totally opposed to it. I understand because I was raised the same way but somehow it doesn't seem like it should be such a big deal at our ages and both of us with prior marriages behind us. It's not like we're virgins! There's part of me that is glad he is keeping me on track and part of me that wishes we could just have a more modern relationship.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

2ndHandRose said:


> Now I know the bad along with the good and I'm having trouble taking a step back and trying to view things objectively.


We all have to take the good with the bad when we marry; it just depends on how bad the "bad" actually is. What's the deal with the debt he has? Is it a result of spending too much on some of his toys? Also, what's up with the 22 year old son? Does the young man have a job? Any motivation? 

There are just some things you have mentioned that look like red flags to me ...


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

OP

just observation....but you inherited that house and land right? is it fair to say your financial situation wouldn't be as rosy if you didn't inherit a lovely estate?

what I am getting at is holding yourself as out so much more responsible financially isn't really fair when you were given something of that magnitude. would you have a mortgage over your head if you did not inherit that home? I would think so.

I do agree that he should not expect you to sell your home to pay off HIS debts....give me a break!!

I agree with others who have said he should sell his house and pay off his debts and at least move forward with you on a "clean sheet of paper"

as for the other issues...well welcome to blended familys. But who is to say that "traditional" familys don't have their issues as well.

best of luck to you.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

x598 said:


> OP
> 
> just observation....but you inherited that house and land right? is it fair to say your financial situation wouldn't be as rosy if you didn't inherit a lovely estate?
> 
> what I am getting at is holding yourself as out so much more responsible financially isn't really fair when you were given something of that magnitude. would you have a mortgage over your head if you did not inherit that home? I would think so.


This is the most illogical thought I think I have read here today. What does it matter if the FAMILY property was left to the family? 

Further, the OP could have simply let the property wither and become useless. Or sold it for gambling. She did the respectful thing for her family property. Improved it and kept it up. Stayed out of debt in the meantime. You want to shame her for it?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

2ndHandRose said:


> On top of that, he was recently diagnosed with kidney disease and I don't like the idea of him being alone if something happens. I don't think his son is capable of coping with it.


What is the prognosis with his kidney disease? Is it progressive? If so, how long before he is seriously disabled?


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## 2ndHandRose (Feb 22, 2017)

Prodigal said:


> We all have to take the good with the bad when we marry; it just depends on how bad the "bad" actually is. What's the deal with the debt he has? Is it a result of spending too much on some of his toys? Also, what's up with the 22 year old son? Does the young man have a job? Any motivation?
> 
> There are just some things you have mentioned that look like red flags to me ...


His debt is mortgage, raising 2 kids alone (his ex never paid a penny), always expensive trucks plus the Corvette which cost a small fortune, he has a huge DVD and cd collection, boat, cycle, helping both kids with college expenses, and a lot of traveling with his extended family pretty much every year they went to a different state park. I will say that he HAS been trying to pay off the debt since we have been together and he hasn't taken on any new debt that I am aware of in the past 3 years. I really think he ran it up out of sheer loneliness and boredom.

His son has a good job actually. He works at a local Diesel engine repair shop with his dad and his uncle. The place pays well and has great benefits. I truly believe he has ASD but he's never been diagnosed. He doesn't live at home because he's lazy he lives at home because he's afraid to be alone and he has no friends to live with. He has no idea how to take care of himself. He did manage to get a 2 year degree at a community college. He's very sullen and unfriendly even his own cousins don't like him. I don't really either but I do feel sorry for him. I mean his mother abandoned him at 4 years old and maintained a relationship with his sister but not with him. I'd say that's enough to screw up any kid. My fiancé says he had some counseling when he was a preteen but they quit because he refused to talk to the counselors so what was the point? I wish he'd find himself a nice girl to maybe pull him out of his shell but he doesn't even seem interested in dating. As I mentioned before, I've wondered if he may be gay and miserable because he feels he has to repress it. The extended family would NEVER tolerate it although I think my fiancé would handle it better than his son might think.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How much is the monthly payment on his house?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

You have an idealized fantasy of him. He's the one that got away and is your true love. All of these women have done him wrong and you can save him. 

Well now you can have him but it'll cost you. 

What's it worth?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How long have you been dating him?


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

Yeswecan said:


> This is the most illogical thought I think I have read here today. What does it matter if the FAMILY property was left to the family?
> 
> Further, the OP could have simply let the property wither and become useless. Or sold it for gambling. She did the respectful thing for her family property. Improved it and kept it up. Stayed out of debt in the meantime. You want to shame her for it?


shaming? really? I am happy for her that she INHERTIED her family estate. and good for her for making the most of it.

All I was pointing out is the OP made it known she has no debt, but he does, yet I can't say its because she was so frugal or worked so hard for it. if there is any shaming going on here...its the OP shaming her BF who isn't in the same financial shape she is when she was GIVEN a sizeable estate.


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## 2ndHandRose (Feb 22, 2017)

x598 said:


> OP
> 
> just observation....but you inherited that house and land right? is it fair to say your financial situation wouldn't be as rosy if you didn't inherit a lovely estate?
> 
> ...


I am one of 22 grandchildren. I inherited the family homestead because of 10 children and 22 grandchildren I was the only one willing to move in and help out my grandparents in their last years. My grandparents signed the property over to me while they were still alive and I took care of them for over a decade while most of the rest of the family ignored them. So while you are right that I wouldn't have the house free and clear otherwise, I do have it due in some part because of personal responsibility. I also supported my grandmother financially after my grandfather died and the SS benefits she was getting were cut. She was blind and diabetic so it wasn't either cheap or easy.

Oh and it wasn't a lovely estate when I inherited it. It was a house in desperate need of repair. To date I have sunk over 6 figures of cash into it. New roof and new siding on house and barn, new well sunk, repairs to original stone basement, new insulation, replaced plaster and lathe with modern wallboard, replaced coal furnace with natural gas heating, all new plumbing and electrical - you get the picture. Pretty much all my "disposable" income for the past decade has gone into this house.


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## 2ndHandRose (Feb 22, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> What is the prognosis with his kidney disease? Is it progressive? If so, how long before he is seriously disabled?


He's been told he'll probably need at least one kidney transplanted before he's 60 if he wants to avoid dialysis. He has a niece who is willing and a match but she's pregnant and has been told she can't do it until about 6 months after the baby is born and longer if she wants to breast feed. The son is also a match but refuses to do it. One of the reasons I don't like him much.


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

2ndHandRose said:


> I am one of 22 grandchildren. I inherited the family homestead because of 10 children and 22 grandchildren I was the only one willing to move in and help out my grandparents in their last years. My grandparents signed the property over to me while they were still alive and I took care of them for over a decade while most of the rest of the family ignored them. So while you are right that I wouldn't have the house free and clear otherwise, I do have it due in some part because of personal responsibility. I also supported my grandmother financially after my grandfather died and the SS benefits she was getting were cut. She was blind and diabetic so it wasn't either cheap or easy.
> 
> Oh and it wasn't a lovely estate when I inherited it. It was a house in desperate need of repair. To date I have sunk over 6 figures of cash into it. New roof and new siding on house and barn, new well sunk, repairs to original stone basement, new insulation, replaced plaster and lathe with modern wallboard, replaced coal furnace with natural gas heating, all new plumbing and electrical - you get the picture. Pretty much all my "disposable" income for the past decade has gone into this house.


I applaud your efforts. but to me, you sound petty talking about your BF's debts, listing a CD collection and other things he has. So he has an old boat he hasn't used in a while....probably worth next to nothing anyways. 

Franky given the tough situation he was in with his X walking and contributing nothing, it could be a lot worse. So he has a few cars and a truck. Doesn't exactly sound like he was living the high life on credit. give the guy a break, at least from the perspective of money.


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## 2ndHandRose (Feb 22, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> How much is the monthly payment on his house?


Around $600. He paid A LOT more for the house than it is now worth. Property values here have decreased drastically in the last 10 years. He bought the house after his divorce so not even 20 years ago and it's a 30 year mortgage. He also took out a home equity loan about 15 years ago to add on an attached garage for the Corvette and to renovate a kitchen he barely uses since the pizza place went in down the road a few years back.


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

wait you sunk 100k into the house...that is now worth 250 and 100 acres of land at 6k per acre? so all together 850K?

who wouldn't do what you did.



> Oh and it wasn't a lovely estate when I inherited it. It was a house in desperate need of repair. To date I have sunk over 6 figures of cash into it. New roof and new siding on house and barn, new well sunk, repairs to original stone basement, new insulation, replaced plaster and lathe with modern wallboard, replaced coal furnace with natural gas heating, all new plumbing and electrical - you get the picture. Pretty much all my "disposable" income for the past decade has gone into this house.


not many have an opportunity like that.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

I think it all depends on how much you don't want to be alone. I'll go against the majority and say alot of your issues are fixable. I mean come on, you love this guy but won't marry him because your worried about your credit rating taking a hit?? Really?? Maybe sell both houses and buy one you both like. Ok so this guy has a couple of cars, does that make him financially irresponsible? You are both conservative Christians and that's great, there aren't many people like that anymore and you've known each other your whole lives. That doesn't come every day. Just dating this guy forever is going to get old in a hurry I think that if you pass this guy by, you'll really be sorry.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

2ndHandRose said:


> His debt is mortgage, raising 2 kids alone (his ex never paid a penny), always expensive trucks plus the Corvette which cost a small fortune, he has a huge DVD and cd collection, boat, cycle, helping both kids with college expenses, and a lot of traveling with his extended family pretty much every year they went to a different state park. I will say that he HAS been trying to pay off the debt since we have been together and he hasn't taken on any new debt that I am aware of in the past 3 years. I really think he ran it up out of sheer loneliness and boredom.


All of those person issues do not make a good excuse for the kind of debt you say he has. Basically, he's like a lot of people who use buying things as an emotional fix.. a dopamine high. Does not mean he's a bad guy. But it does mean that it's financially unwise to tie yourself to him legally/financially. This habit of his is highly unlikely to stop.

You are, quite honestly, making excuses for the behavior and habits of a grown man. There is no way that you should be doing that. 

If you sell your property to pay off his debt, it is you who will be paying to educate his children, paying for his and his family's past vacations, etc. And tell me, who will be paying for your son's education and helping your son after you give it all away to him and his kids?

He needs to pay off his down debt all on his own. If it is more than he can pay, he can file for bankruptcy. Doing that would probably actually improve his credit score.

He has a mortgage.

Does he still have debt for this vehicles and boat?



2ndHandRose said:


> His son has a good job actually. He works at a local Diesel engine repair shop with his dad and his uncle. The place pays well and has great benefits. I truly believe he has ASD but he's never been diagnosed. He doesn't live at home because he's lazy he lives at home because he's afraid to be alone and he has no friends to live with. He has no idea how to take care of himself. He did manage to get a 2 year degree at a community college. He's very sullen and unfriendly even his own cousins don't like him. I don't really either but I do feel sorry for him. I mean his mother abandoned him at 4 years old and maintained a relationship with his sister but not with him. I'd say that's enough to screw up any kid. My fiancé says he had some counseling when he was a preteen but they quit because he refused to talk to the counselors so what was the point? I wish he'd find himself a nice girl to maybe pull him out of his shell but he doesn't even seem interested in dating. As I mentioned before, I've wondered if he may be gay and miserable because he feels he has to repress it. The extended family would NEVER tolerate it although I think my fiancé would handle it better than his son might think.


Ok, so his son has some challenges. But he has a 2 year degree, good skills and a good job. The kid is basically ok. He may never find a woman who would want to deal with his issues. That's ok. 

How much can the mortgage on your bf's house possible by? Maybe $400 a month? Why not let the kid live there and you and your bf and go to the lake on weekends. Maybe talk to your bf about it as a way to start giving his son independence. If the kid does not have to leave the house he has always known, then he can adjust to the change of him being somewhat on his own. Does the kid pay any room/board to his data right now? He could live there mostly by himself and pay some rent and buy his own groceries. That way it defrays the cost your bf keeping the home. 

I think that there is a HUGE red flag that your bf wants you to sell off your inheritance, which is your sole property, and just give much, if not most of it to him is beyond unbelievable. Like I said, it's a HUGE red flag. To an outsider looking in, he's looking for an easy way to get out of debt and retire early. And you are his ticket to all that.

If you are going to marry this guy, please see a lawyer and get a pre-nup that protects all that you have right now as your sole property. And that clearly lists all of his debt as his separate debt. Also find out your state laws about how your state handles sole property, pre-martial property and how to prevent comingling these with martial property.

You said that he had a girl friend for 3 years. Did they have sex?


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

x598 said:


> shaming? really? I am happy for her that she INHERTIED her family estate. and good for her for making the most of it.
> 
> All I was pointing out is the OP made it known she has no debt, but he does, yet I can't say its because she was so frugal or worked so hard for it. if there is any shaming going on here...*its the OP shaming her BF who isn't in the same financial shape she is when she was GIVEN a sizeable estate.*


And you are shaming her with the GIVEN part in your post. OP has not shamed anyone. She simply stated the facts of her STB situation.


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## 2ndHandRose (Feb 22, 2017)

x598 said:


> I applaud your efforts. but to me, you sound petty talking about your BF's debts, listing a CD collection and other things he has. So he has an old boat he hasn't used in a while....probably worth next to nothing anyways.
> 
> Franky given the tough situation he was in with his X walking and contributing nothing, it could be a lot worse. So he has a few cars and a truck. Doesn't exactly sound like he was living the high life on credit. give the guy a break, at least from the perspective of money.


I don't mean to come across as petty. However you have to admit a single dad making $40,000 a year shouldn't be buying a $60,000 classic car.

And he currently has about $30,000 worth of debt NOT counting the mortgage and his newest truck which I think he said cost $37 grand.

I honestly don't care about the money. I make just under $60,000 a year in a low cost of living area. I also get child support of about $900/month all of which goes toward my son's college fund. He could go to my college for free if he wants but I doubt he will. I just don't want to be responsible for debt I didn't create. And I don't want to sell MY house to pay off HIS debt. One thing he really doesn't seem to get about me is exactly how much the family home means to me. I've poured so much of myself into it that it's almost like it's a part of me. But at the same time, I feel like a horrible person for jeopardizing a good relationship over a house.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

2ndHandRose said:


> I don't mean to come across as petty. However you have to admit a single dad making $40,000 a year shouldn't be buying a $60,000 classic car.
> 
> And he currently has about $30,000 worth of debt NOT counting the mortgage and his newest truck which I think he said cost $37 grand.
> 
> I honestly don't care about the money. I make just under $60,000 a year in a low cost of living area. I also get child support of about $900/month all of which goes toward my son's college fund. He could go to my college for free if he wants but I doubt he will.* I just don't want to be responsible for debt I didn't create. And I don't want to sell MY house to pay off HIS debt. *One thing he really doesn't seem to get about me is exactly how much the family home means to me. I've poured so much of myself into it that it's almost like it's a part of me. But at the same time, I feel like a horrible person for jeopardizing a good relationship over a house.


You have answered your own question here. Many in this thread concur. Do not pay off his debt or get married until he sorts out his debt. He wants to retire on your dime. Throw in a Hemi Cuda as well.


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

2ndHandRose said:


> I don't mean to come across as petty. However you have to admit a single dad making $40,000 a year shouldn't be buying a $60,000 classic car.
> 
> And he currently has about $30,000 worth of debt NOT counting the mortgage and his newest truck which I think he said cost $37 grand.
> 
> I honestly don't care about the money. I make just under $60,000 a year in a low cost of living area. I also get child support of about $900/month all of which goes toward my son's college fund. He could go to my college for free if he wants but I doubt he will. I just don't want to be responsible for debt I didn't create. And I don't want to sell MY house to pay off HIS debt. One thing he really doesn't seem to get about me is exactly how much the family home means to me. I've poured so much of myself into it that it's almost like it's a part of me. But at the same time, I feel like a horrible person for jeopardizing a good relationship over a house.


while I agree a 60k car is stupid given his income level and financial situation....37K for a truck is really not that much nowadays.

and I agree with the sentiment here NOT to sell your home, and ESPECIALLY not to pay off his debt.

I already said he should sell his home, clean up his debts with the proceeds, and enter into this relationship with out being a burden. I just think your demeanor toward his financial situation is a little unrealistic. If the worst he has done is bought a sports car.....good god you might even get to drive it.


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## 2ndHandRose (Feb 22, 2017)

x598 said:


> wait you sunk 100k into the house...that is now worth 250 and 100 acres of land at 6k per acre? so all together 850K?
> 
> who wouldn't do what you did.
> 
> ...


I don't own the farmland free and clear. My grandfathers will states that if the land is sold the proceeds have to be split equally between his 10 children and 22 grandchildren. I wouldn't see much of that money. And the lease on the land which is $20,000/yr goes to support my uncle who is 100% disabled and has to live in a nursing home. Also the $6000/acre is the appraised value of the land. In our current climate, we'd be lucky to get $4000/acre which is what the farmer who leases it has offered.


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

2ndHandRose said:


> I don't own the farmland free and clear. My grandfathers will states that if the land is sold the proceeds have to be split equally between his 10 children and 22 grandchildren. I wouldn't see much of that money. And the lease on the land which is $20,000/yr goes to support my uncle who is 100% disabled and has to live in a nursing home. Also the $6000/acre is the appraised value of the land. In our current climate, we'd be lucky to get $4000/acre which is what the farmer who leases it has offered.


so if the land is worth 400k divided by 32 that's like 12.5k each.

so basically you have a 250k home free and clear. I mention this because others have thrown out the freeloader card ...."he's trying to retire off of you" when the reality is this paints a far different picture than your original post where you stated you owned the house and land.


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## 2ndHandRose (Feb 22, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> All of those person issues do not make a good excuse for the kind of debt you say he has. Basically, he's like a lot of people who use buying things as an emotional fix.. a dopamine high. Does not mean he's a bad guy. But it does mean that it's financially unwise to tie yourself to him legally/financially. This habit of his is highly unlikely to stop.
> 
> You are, quite honestly, making excuses for the behavior and habits of a grown man. There is no way that you should be doing that.
> 
> ...


He owes on his 2 year old $37,000 truck. The boat is long paid for. He owes for his son's college (his daughter did it on her own.) He has a lot of medical debt I believe his company health insurance is an 80-20 plan and I know he has a high deductible. It would actually be really good to get him on my employer benefits which are fantastic. The rest is random stuff on credit cards mostly vacation expenses I'm guessing.

He says he hasn't had sex since his divorce. His ex girlfriend is a friend of mine and she says they barely even kissed. However she also told me that was partially her fault because she was never physically attracted to him and she always pushed him away if he got too close.


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## 2ndHandRose (Feb 22, 2017)

x598 said:


> while I agree a 60k car is stupid given his income level and financial situation....37K for a truck is really not that much nowadays.
> 
> and I agree with the sentiment here NOT to sell your home, and ESPECIALLY not to pay off his debt.
> 
> I already said he should sell his home, clean up his debts with the proceeds, and enter into this relationship with out being a burden. I just think your demeanor toward his financial situation is a little unrealistic. If the worst he has done is bought a sports car.....good god you might even get to drive it.


LOL LOL He won't let ANYBODY else drive his baby. I can't even wear shoes in it.


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

I would not even think about marriage at this point. There is just too much baggage in the way of having a happy marriage for the two of you.

Sent from my LG-US996 using Tapatalk


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

His debts were his before you came into his life. 
They are still his. 
You're going to give him a heck of a lot if you sell your home and acreage, with not a lot in return. 

You need a prenuptial at the very least, but I'd strongly agree with others that there are simply too many incompatibilities to have a happy and stable marriage.


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## 2ndHandRose (Feb 22, 2017)

x598 said:


> so if the land is worth 400k divided by 32 that's like 12.5k each.
> 
> so basically you have a 250k home free and clear. I mention this because others have thrown out the freeloader card ...."he's trying to retire off of you" when the reality is this paints a far different picture than your original post where you stated you owned the house and land.


Sorry I guess that was confusing. On paper I am
the legal owner of the land. But if I decide to sell the proceeds don't go to me (just the land not the house). 

And I'm sorry I don't see that the house is $250,000 free and clear. Before I fixed it up it was such a wreck no one would have even wanted it. Holes in the roof, one side of the house was fire damaged, broken windows, missing shingles, etc. My grandparents raised 10 kids on the income of a small farmer. Didn't exactly have much left over for home repairs.

But I think we've really diverted from my original purpose. And it has helped to know that people don't think I'm crazy to think maybe I shouldn't marry BF any time soon if at all. Problem is how do I tell him this without hurting him? He'll probably think I've decided I don't want him just like his ex wife and his ex GF.


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

2ndHandRose said:


> Sorry I guess that was confusing. On paper I am
> the legal owner of the land. But if I decide to sell the proceeds don't go to me (just the land not the house).
> 
> And I'm sorry I don't see that the house is $250,000 free and clear. Before I fixed it up it was such a wreck no one would have even wanted it. Holes in the roof, one side of the house was fire damaged, broken windows, missing shingles, etc. My grandparents raised 10 kids on the income of a small farmer. Didn't exactly have much left over for home repairs.
> ...


well I thought your original purpose was addressing your concerns, where you voiced your hesitation because of his financial situation. I agree with you that his debt is a problem. IMO he is absolutely in the wrong thinking you should pay off his debts. I just don't think he is quite as irresponsible financially (but certainly no poster child) as has been painted out.

I would just tell him you want to be with him, but the debt has got to go. just be honest.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

2ndHandRose said:


> I don't mean to come across as petty. However you have to admit a single dad making $40,000 a year shouldn't be buying a $60,000 classic car.
> 
> And he currently has about $30,000 worth of debt NOT counting the mortgage and his newest truck which I think he said cost $37 grand.


You do not come across as petty or shaming your bf.

I agree that someone who makes $40K a year has shouldn't buy a $60,000 classic car and a $37 grand truck. And if he does, asking his gf/future-wife to sell her property to pay his debt is beyond selfish. It's hard to believe that some people are this self centered. You are right to be concerned about him expecting you to do this.



2ndHandRose said:


> I honestly don't care about the money. I make just under $60,000 a year in a low cost of living area. I also get child support of about $900/month all of which goes toward my son's college fund. He could go to my college for free if he wants but I doubt he will. I just don't want to be responsible for debt I didn't create. And I don't want to sell MY house to pay off HIS debt. One thing he really doesn't seem to get about me is exactly how much the family home means to me. I've poured so much of myself into it that it's almost like it's a part of me. But at the same time, I feel like a horrible person for jeopardizing a good relationship over a house.


If he does not understand how much that house means to you, then he does not really know you. He seems to not care how much it means to you, and that is yet another red flag.

I'm wondering what is chew at you is not really about the house, it's about what an enormous sacrifice he is asking of you... and his complete lack of understanding of who you are.

What is he giving up to balance what you would be giving up? I don't see anything that he is giving up. Instead what I see is him trying to take from you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

2ndHandRose said:


> He's been told he'll probably need at least one kidney transplanted before he's 60 if he wants to avoid dialysis. He has a niece who is willing and a match but she's pregnant and has been told she can't do it until about 6 months after the baby is born and longer if she wants to breast feed. The son is also a match but refuses to do it. One of the reasons I don't like him much.


You need to really think hard about the impact his health will have on you. I'm not saying don't be with him because of it, but instead plan in a way to protect yourself.

Last year I had a colonoscopy that went wrong. I ended up in the hospital for a month. I won't bore you with the details. It's the cost that I want to talk about here. My bill was over $200,000. I am lucky because I had good insurance through work and I had started Medicare a few months before because I was getting ready to retire. If I had only the insurance at work, I would have paid over $40,000 out of pocket after my insurance from work paid their part.

A kidney transplant costs over $265,000. That is if everything goes perfect. Then there is the cost of meds that he will have to take for life after that. And of course other things. If the two of you are married, you are as responsible for them as he is.

If the two of you are not married, he would probably qualify for Medicare and/or Medicaid. 

I'm not saying don't marry him or don't live with him. I'm saying think through all of this very carefully and do what is best for both of you.

I'm not sure that in the long run being married to you will help him with this medical costs, etc. It might be better to live together and let him qualify for financial help that he will need for medical care that you already know he will need for life.

Make sure you are doing this on your terms, in a way that is good for both of you, and not let yourself be pushed into giving up all that you gave worked so hard for all these years.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

2ndHandRose said:


> Even though neither of us has a huge sex drive, we both agree that we don't want to go the rest of our lives without it. Nor do we want to grow old alone. At some point both of the boys will have moved out even if it does take a while. I could use a man to help with the house and farm and he's honestly sick of doing housework alone. On top of that we really do love each other. We just really make each other happy. None of our discussions about our future has turned into a fight. We get along great and have a lot in common. Plus, with our combined incomes, we'd be able to do some traveling. It wouldn't be appropriate for us to travel together if we aren't married.
> 
> On top of that, he was recently diagnosed with kidney disease and I don't like the idea of him being alone if something happens. I don't think his son is capable of coping with it.


So then marry but keep your finances separate and keep the home.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Your friend who your fiancé used to date said they barely kissed because she kept pushing him away.From what you said he has never even tried to get you into bed.I think your fiancé sees you as the answer to his financial problems and that's about it.His son definitely sounds as if he has emotional problems,maybe mildly autistic.He may never move out so be prepared for that.I was in a similar situation to you except it was my fiancées mother who seen me as an atm,once I made it clear I wasn't going to play along she quickly showed her true colors.
Do not sell your house and make sure to keep your bank accounts separate if you do marry because there are a lot of red flags in your story.If you pay off his debts and then can't get on with his son you may find yourself homeless and broke.
And divorced.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

2ndHandRose said:


> He owes on his 2 year old $37,000 truck. The boat is long paid for. He owes for his son's college (his daughter did it on her own.) He has a lot of medical debt I believe his company health insurance is an 80-20 plan and I know he has a high deductible. It would actually be really good to get him on my employer benefits which are fantastic. The rest is random stuff on credit cards mostly vacation expenses I'm guessing.


Check with your employer, some company policies now allow a person to add a 'domestic partner' that they are not married to.



2ndHandRose said:


> He says he hasn't had sex since his divorce. His ex girlfriend is a friend of mine and she says they barely even kissed. However she also told me that was partially her fault because she was never physically attracted to him and she always pushed him away if he got too close.


Either he has little to no sex drive, or he is taking care of things himself. Few men could hold out with no sex for a decade or more. I doubt that there will be much of a sex life if you marry him. Just realize that you might have to accept a sexless or near sexless marriage.


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## 2ndHandRose (Feb 22, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> You do not come across as petty or shaming your bf.
> 
> I agree that someone who makes $40K a year has shouldn't buy a $60,000 classic car and a $37 grand truck. And if he does, asking his gf/future-wife to sell her property to pay his debt is beyond selfish. It's hard to believe that some people are this self centered. You are right to be concerned about him expecting you to do this.
> 
> ...


Wow! This is exactly the perspective I think I needed. I hadn't even thought of it like this before. Not necessarily his fault because I doubt it's deliberate but I don't think he DOES understand exactly what the house means to me. He grew up in a modern home and he's lived in his current house for less than 20 years. He doesn't understand how much it would hurt to give up the home that not only I grew up in but every generation of my family since the house was built. Not to mention it's just an amazing house and I love it almost as much as if it were a person. I quite honestly cannot imagine a family Christmas taking place anywhere else. My parents got married in that house. So did one of my aunts and one of my uncles. The same uncle in fact who was born in the house because he came too fast! My grandfather died there. Dozens of family pets are buried on that property. And almost more than anything that house is my link to my grandparents who were incredibly important to me. There are times when I honestly still feel their presence. I can't imagine leaving all that.

If I thought someone in the family would take it off my hands I MIGHT consider it. But none of them can afford it or want to live way out here in our little out of the way college town.

It's now obvious to me that I haven't done a good job of explaining to him why it's so important to me not to move. I think I may give him a very thorough tour of the property and let him SEE rather than just hear what I feel and why I feel that way.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Rose, 

Your concerns about living in the same home with his 22 year old son are valid. From the sounds of it, this would not be fair to your son since it will disrupt his home life.

I married a man who had full custody of 2 children (son 12 and daughter 10). My son was 10. My step children were abandoned by their mother and suffered for it. They did see their mother a for a week or two in the summer, but that was it. Now that I look back with 20/20 hindsight, I did my son a huge disservice. My step children have serious issues from being abandoned by their mother. I spent countless nights up with my step daughter while she cried about this. She was suicidal much of her youth. My step son dealt with is issues by acting out. Both disrupted our household horribly. My son's life was already disrupted because of the divorce between his father me. Then a few years later I added this disruption to his life. It was not fair to my son. I regret it.

I think I was very good for my step kids. Hey hated me when they were young. I was the evil step mother. But now that they are in their late 20's, they both say that I was the only parent they ever had to cared about them and helped them. They are very much in my life because they want to me now. So at least I feel ok about the fact that I helped them.

But I hurt my own son.

Moral of my story... don't do this to your son. He's 15 and at a very crucial age. The last thing he needs is a step-sibling who is like your bf's son. He does not need to be living in the same house with someone who is not going treat him well.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

2ndHandRose said:


> Wow! This is exactly the perspective I think I needed. I hadn't even thought of it like this before. Not necessarily his fault because I doubt it's deliberate but I don't think he DOES understand exactly what the house means to me. He grew up in a modern home and he's lived in his current house for less than 20 years. He doesn't understand how much it would hurt to give up the home that not only I grew up in but every generation of my family since the house was built. Not to mention it's just an amazing house and I love it almost as much as if it were a person. I quite honestly cannot imagine a family Christmas taking place anywhere else. My parents got married in that house. So did one of my aunts and one of my uncles. The same uncle in fact who was born in the house because he came too fast! My grandfather died there. Dozens of family pets are buried on that property. And almost more than anything that house is my link to my grandparents who were incredibly important to me. There are times when I honestly still feel their presence. I can't imagine leaving all that.
> 
> If I thought someone in the family would take it off my hands I MIGHT consider it. But none of them can afford it or want to live way out here in our little out of the way college town.
> 
> It's now obvious to me that I haven't done a good job of explaining to him why it's so important to me not to move. I think I may give him a very thorough tour of the property and let him SEE rather than just hear what I feel and why I feel that way.


Not only does your house have all that family history, you have poured your heart into refurbishing it... not to mention your financial investment. The way you talk about that is like it's a work of art to you... your artistic expression. Some people look at a house as simply a place to live and an investment. Others more like you. And it takes a special house to bring that out of a person. They way you describe the house, it reminds me of the house my mother's parents owned. Sadly it was sold when my grandmother died.

It was a grand old Victorian built in 1852. 3 stories and a full basement, 29 rooms in all. It was on a smaller piece of land... the yard & gardens were about 5 acres. Loved that place. It was not just a house.

I think you are wise to work through all of this before you marry. There are a couple of books that I think would really help the two of you work through all this. The purpose of the books are to help a couple structure their relationship so that it's strong, healthy and full of passion. It works. The book are not just something to read, they give you both work to do together. The books are by Dr. Harley. 

"Love Busters"

"His Needs, Her Needs"


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## 2ndHandRose (Feb 22, 2017)

I'm not that worried about his sex drive. Mines not that high either. I've managed to go without since 2003 and haven't really missed it much. Would it be nice? Yeah, once in a while. Can I live with only once in a while? Yes. As a matter of fact I've been more worried that once married he may want more than I do. 

And I do not believe he is using me for financial reasons. I've known him all my life and he's not that kind of person. He gives more than he can afford to our church. He gives both time and money to missionary causes. He teaches Sunday School and VBS and the kids at church love him. My son adores him and doesn't understand why we aren't married already. Actually my son brought us together my fiancé didn't think I would be interested in him and then my sweet boy told him I had a crush on him !!!


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## 2ndHandRose (Feb 22, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> Rose,
> 
> Your concerns about living in the same home with his 22 year old son are valid. From the sounds of it, this would not be fair to your son since it will disrupt his home life.
> 
> ...


You bring up another good point here.

My son is not close to his father. His father pretty much dropped out of his life when he started a new family with his second wife (his AP). They have not physically seen each other now since January of 2015 when my ex came home for his mother's funeral. His father sends him birthday and Christmas cards which he takes the money out of and then trashes. There are days when he hates him. I had originally hoped when my fiancé and I started dating that his son could perhaps be a friend to my son and maybe they could even help each other. No such luck. His son won't even talk to mine. He barely even talks to me. As a matter of fact he never really talks to anyone except his father. He hates his sister because she has a relationship with their mother. According to my fiancé his son did get close to his ex GF and when they broke up he was devastated. Which is probably why he won't let me get close.

My son will be off to college in 3 years. By then perhaps his son will have moved out. Maybe I should just tell him I think it might be better to wait until the boys are no longer part of our day to day lives. At least then he won't feel like I'm rejecting him.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

2ndHandRose said:


> He says he hasn't had sex since his divorce.


And he likely won't have sex with you if you marry him.

No man with a healthy libido goes without for that long.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You say that both of you are religious and do not believe in sex outside of marriage. Is sex the main reason that you want to get married?

When the Bible talks about marriage, it is not talking about an institution or legal contract that is made with the state. I've read online that some Christians are marrying in the Church and NOT via the state. Then they just have wills and a contract between them for any financial issues, etc.

As people get older, a lot of them do not marry due to financial reasons. But they are as committed to each other as any married couple.

Some of the reasons older people do this are things like getting medical coverage and other benefits. Another is social security. For example, some women do not have much social security benefits earned on their own. If they were married to a man who earned a lot more, they can draw on the ex's SS if they were married for 10 or more years before the divorce. I believe that if the ex dies before them, then they can get his entire SS instead of half of it. This is, of course, not gender based. 

My ex (2nd husband) did not work for 12 years of our marriage. So his SS is much lower than mine. He will be able to chose whichever his highest between my SS and his own. If he remarries, he could not do that.

I'm just throwing this out here since I have heard of some Christians getting married in the Church only. Not sure if you two would even consider that.


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## 2ndHandRose (Feb 22, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> You say that both of you are religious and do not believe in sex outside of marriage. Is sex the main reason that you want to get married?
> 
> When the Bible talks about marriage, it is not talking about an institution or legal contract that is made with the state. I've read online that some Christians are marrying in the Church and NOT via the state. Then they just have wills and a contract between them for any financial issues, etc.
> 
> ...


It's not about sex. We want to live together. We want to fall asleep together and wake up together. We want to do fun stuff on the spur of the moment rather than having to plan everything because we aren't together all the time. We want others to see us as an official couple. We can't do that because we both believe that living together without marriage is sin.

An added bonus would be to get him on my health insurance. I'm enough younger than him that I could keep him off the disaster that is Medicare for a few extra years. After what I've seen with my parents I have no use for Medicare at all.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Sounds like you are more into rescuing him than marrying him. Sorry. JMO.

P.S. - His 22 year old son sounds like a creep. Unless he moves out, I don't see why you would want your son anywhere near him. Again, JMO.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Just WAY too many red flags here to even consider marriage. He will drain your finances paying off his debt. And just wait until he hits transplant stage or kidney failure.... You will be up to your eyeballs in medical debt and as his spouse, they'll come after you and all your remaining assets (if there are any left) and strip you clean.

Just remain lifelong partners with no sex. Sounds like it works pretty well that way already.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Yikes, this is a really hard one. I can see why you are struggling with it.

I feel strongly that you shouldn't saddle anyone else with personal debt. I refused to come into my marriage with one cent of debt for my husband to take on. Would never have let him do that, no way. I'm not really sure how he so easily can swallow the thought of you paying off his debt. I would be so embarrassed to even consider having a future spouse do that, but obviously it doesn't bother him.

That being said, I could see it from the other side, reasoning, "We are going to spend the rest of our lives together, so let's work together toward our future." I don't necessarily hear him as a freeloading mooch. I think he is viewing his fiancé as his soon to be wife, and looking at the whole picture and figuring out how to crunch the numbers. I don't think he targeted you for your money/property. 

You have known each other your whole lives. That holds a high value that most of us can't comprehend because we have never had the opportunity to marry someone under those circumstances. It sounds like you really love each other and enjoy each other's company. Those are big things to consider giving up over financial stuff.

What I would lean toward in reguard to the whole picture is this: I would say he should rent out his house to his son. He has a good job, can afford it, and that would give you access to use it for the boating season. I would suggest that he sell his "baby" it is obviously beyond his financial means. (Luke 14:28 Live within your means). Also he should sell his truck he owes $32k on. To enter the marriage on more solid financial footing, sacrifices need to be made by both of you. He can get a reliable truck for $5-$10k instead. Whatever bills he has consigned for his adult kids, he should give them 6 months warning that he needs them to move their debt into their own names. Then, for whatever unsecured debt he has left, he should do a debt consolidation loan, or continue to pay it off now and after the wedding. If he isn't willing to do things such as this, then you will know his possessions are more important to him than you.

I would be very concerned that you have completely different ideas about budgeting/debt. That could cause you huge problems in your marriage. I'm not sure what you can do about the future, but I would not acquire any joint credit with him.

As far as your religious beliefs in regard to sex outside of marriage, I applaud you, and agree with your stance. It is good that he is trying to protect your relationship with God, that is a very important quality in a Christian husband. What it means for your sex life, I don't know in the long run.

So you have some serious discussions ahead of you. Get all your thoughts together and then plan a time to sit down and discuss these concerns and come up with solutions. Pray before you start your discussion, asking for Gods help in coming up with solutions and to keep things calm and kind.

I hope that everything works out for the best for you all.


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

2ndHandRose said:


> I live in a college town. The only possible tenants would be students. I've put a significant of money into renovations on both the exterior and the interior of my house and there's no way I'm letting college students wreck it.
> 
> We have discussed the possibility of him moving into my house and letting his son stay at his house with us moving there in the summer for boating season. We've also discussed renting his house since it's far enough from the college to be safe. But being lakefront it would rent best in the summer which would be the time he'd want to be using it. What I'd really like to do is turn my house into a high end AirBnB and stay at his house when mine is in use. But he thinks that would be too much hassle. I also don't think he likes the kind of maintenance my 10 acre lawn requires. The other possibility is keeping the house but selling the farm land. It would bring a lot of money. But I can't sell it until the current tenant's lease is up.
> 
> ...


In your OP you said your ex wasn't in the picture and lives in another State. How much time does your son spend with him?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Do not marry this guy.

He lives in his own world. He is set in his ways. His spending ways will weigh on your mind....heavily.

His wife and LTR girlfriend left him for a good reason. He is selfish and controlling. Lack of sex might be one another reason. His son might be gay. He might be....bi-sexual...or gay, also.

The only thing you two have in common [worth discussing] is that you are both low desire. That mortar won't hold the marriage together. 

Keep looking. Stay single.

You seem to have a level head on your shoulders. Why set it a-kilter now?


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## 2ndHandRose (Feb 22, 2017)

MrsHolland said:


> In your OP you said your ex wasn't in the picture and lives in another State. How much time does your son spend with him?


He hasn't seen him now since January of 2015 when my ex came home for his mother's funeral. He has 3 kids with his 2nd wife and seems to have no interest whatsoever in having a relationship with my boy despite the fact that for a while I was doing some admittedly unattractive begging for his father to be involved in his life. As I'm sure you can guess my son resents this immensely and harbors some pretty negative feelings about his father. However where my fiancé's son seems to use his mother's abandonment as an excuse to be permanently miserable, my son has used it as a fuel for his ambitions because he feels he has something to prove to his father.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

MrsHolland said:


> In your OP you said your ex wasn't in the picture and lives in another State. How much time does your son spend with him?


I took the "his father" in that instance to mean the fiancé. The fiancé's son is jealous of the time OP's son spends with the fiancé's son's (his) father.


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## 2ndHandRose (Feb 22, 2017)

SunCMars said:


> Do not marry this guy.
> 
> He lives in his own world. He is set in his ways. His spending ways will weigh on your mind....heavily.
> 
> ...


He's not gay. Trust me on this one. Is it really so hard to believe that someone could be a strong enough Christian to resist sexual temptation? Sexual lust is not his failing. Pride and materialism are.

His ex wife left him because she decided she didn't want to be a mother any more. And I've known this since before we started dating it's not just something he told me. And his ex GF admitted that she dumped him because she wasn't physically attracted to him. He's not a particularly good looking guy - about 70 pounds overweight and bald. Considering I'm 50 pounds overweight and prematurely gray, I'd be a hypocrite to let it bother me.

And I simply do not believe he's after me for money. Would a selfish money grubbing man give almost $10,000 a year to the church? I think he means it when he says it just makes more financial sense to sell the property that would actually make a profit rather than taking a loss. And he's right because financially it does make more sense. Especially when my house is way too big for 2 or even 4 people. As it is I keep half the house closed up most of the time. Doesn't change my mind about selling it but it's true.


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## IamSomebody (Nov 21, 2014)

2ndHandRose said:


> He's not gay. Trust me on this one. Is it really so hard to believe that someone could be a strong enough Christian to resist sexual temptation? Sexual lust is not his failing. Pride and materialism are.
> 
> His ex wife left him because she decided she didn't want to be a mother any more. And I've known this since before we started dating it's not just something he told me. And his ex GF admitted that she dumped him because she wasn't physically attracted to him. He's not a particularly good looking guy - about 70 pounds overweight and bald. Considering I'm 50 pounds overweight and prematurely gray, I'd be a hypocrite to let it bother me.
> 
> And I simply do not believe he's after me for money. Would a selfish money grubbing man give almost $10,000 a year to the church? I think he means it when he says it just makes more financial sense to sell the property that would actually make a profit rather than taking a loss. And he's right because financially it does make more sense. Especially when my house is way too big for 2 or even 4 people. As it is I keep half the house closed up most of the time. Doesn't change my mind about selling it but it's true.


Your fiancé is way beyond tithing. Why does he feel a need to give 25% of his gross income to a church rather than donate a little and pay down his debts? _*HUGE*_ red flag here. Something is off. I'm surprised the IRS hasn't challenged this donation. Even if he tithed, that would be $6,000 a year more toward paying off his debts.

IamSomebody


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Okay. My overall take on this is you came here just to verify ... what exactly? You are going to marry him no matter what a bunch of strangers in cyberspace have to say. Even if you were talking to family and/or friends f-2-f about this, they can't sway you. I've learned that people do exactly what they want to do, no matter how many people they ask for opinions or how many straw polls they take.

So marry the guy. You've heard our opinions, and they are nothing more than that ... opinions.

I still wonder why you want to marry this guy, but it's your life. I can only tell you as someone who has had six surgeries in the past three years for kidney stones that once there are problems, there ARE problems. Transplant patients DO get a second lease on life, but there are all sorts of physical limitations and issues that come with it. So if you think the two of you are going to travel extensively, take up dance classes, or kick up your heels with a bowling league, you had better rethink it.

My system has a problem with producing way too much uric acid; thus, chronic kidney stones and other assorted issues. I am also a cancer survivor. Chemo kills the cancer, but it kicks the survivor's butt, regardless of the garbage you read about someone running a marathon after chemo. Those folks are few and far between.

Marry the guy and let us know how it goes somewhere up the line.


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