# What has worked best?



## trapper (Sep 8, 2011)

What was the best “Man up” step that worked in your relationship? 

I have been reading this forum for a few days now( I think my eyes are bleeding) because I didn’t relies I wasn’t the only one with this issue, so many people on here have my same issues with a personal twist of course.

My Marriage of ten years is about to get flushed and I don’t know if I can do anything about it since I won’t see the wife face to face for another 6 months and I can’t get any communication for weeks at a time, making it a bit difficult. I have figured out that I am a procrastinator hence my current position, if I would have tried to fix this a few years ago I wouldn’t be typing now, Maybe. I have ordered some books Married man sex life primer, Hold on to your nuts and no more Mr. nice guy. These will be in and I will get started on them in about 12 days. 

I am hoping for the best but in the last few days since the initial depression wore off am preparing for the worst. I do love my wife more than anything which I think is the best thing ever but in that I think it has got me fouled up and is the cause of my demise as well. I would do anything to keep us alive but in the pit of my stomach feel like her mind is made up. She is a great person, strong and beautiful and it would kill me to lose her, all I can do is try. I want to change for the better but I don’t want to have to change who I am to please her if that makes any since.

Thanks, *


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## SockPuppet (May 16, 2011)

I feel kinda bad, because this is a good question and I have not been able to focus my thoughts enough to give a proper answer. Soon, young grasshopper.


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## RoseRed (Aug 27, 2011)

I can only respond with my perspective .. I have noticed my H implimenting these "man up" /"180" techniques and for some they have done wonders when it comes to his own personal growth and development, while other techniques when it pertains to me and our relationship have blown up in his face. Its a learning process... what he thought would be effective completely failed because, as we both have realized, he does not know, hasn't taken the time to get to know, or perhaps didnt care, over the past 25+ years, who I actually am as my core personality. It was if he had a limited 'what I want in a spouse' checklist, and if I fulfilled most of them, then he was fine with that and didn't care to go deeper. I have recently found out how short and shallow this "checkllist" is..it was quite a wake-up call! So now we are in the process of determining if we can rebuild this marriage. If he chooses to delve into a deeper meaningful relationship, or not. Either way, I must accept that he is who he is as an individual entity... if chooses to not want or he believes he is incapable of taking this marriage to the next level then I will have to accept that the marriage has run its course and it ends. I will no longer accept returning to the old 'status quo' of the past. One can change behaviours, but one should not comprimise on their own core personality, beliefs, values and morals for another... nor should a spouse ever want that of another. It boils down to deep routed compatibility...


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

RoseRed said:


> One can change behaviours, but one should not comprimise on their own core personality, beliefs, values and morals for another... nor should a spouse ever want that of another. It boils down to deep routed compatibility...


That kind of input is important. We rarely see a wife posting about her husband's efforts. What has worked, and what hasn't ... and why that may be the case. 

I quoted the piece above, because at it's very simplest, it encapsulates 'Man Up' ... for me.

Most guys come here hoping to reconcile their relationship with their wives. 

If they don't reconcile their relationship with themselves first, the other stuff is little more than window dressing.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

If you do nothing else, get physically fit and build muscle.


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## SockPuppet (May 16, 2011)

Communication is working for me.

We all have expectations and boundaries and who knows what, that we expect our SO's to respect and abide by.

without telling my wife explicitly what they are, how can she know? Thats a trap a lot of folks fall into, thinking that if somebody loves you, then they should automatically know what to do/ not do.


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## RoseRed (Aug 27, 2011)

Deejo said:


> That kind of input is important. We rarely see a wife posting about her husband's efforts. What has worked, and what hasn't ... and why that may be the case.
> 
> I quoted the piece above, because at it's very simplest, it encapsulates 'Man Up' ... for me.
> 
> ...


Thank you Deejo. The "manning up" title is bit of a misnomer.. should be like 'personing up'... man or woman, being true to oneself! Using any resources must be taken carefully as they are written in generalities for the mass public. Each person needs to think upon any action they take and the consequences it may hold... not only for the spouse... but for yourself as well.

If you truly don't know your spouse, implementing some radical behaviour change without thorough consideration can become a huge setback, and yet a huge learning experience as well. 

It could very well be this journey of discovery can in all honesty end the marriage... if there are key fundamental "wants" that cannot be met by each spouse... it will either be accepted and the individual has comprimised their own true entity or on the otherhand the 'want' will be fulfilled by an unwilling spouse... it is not given freely, lovingly, and the forced action is a ticking time bomb... in the name of saving the marriage .. for the sake of the kids... that isn't saving anything...just a bad bandaid... Or it has come to an end... i will have self-respect... and I would hold the x in high respect as well... he honestly admitted himself to me. We are, at the root of it all, each unique individuals set upon this earth for a short amount of time.

However it can also make a beautiful new marriage, with truly open eyes, with a truly loving heart... I'm sure its a mind blowing experience and I, being the terminal optimist hope for this, yet quite pragmatic understand the reality of it... a helluva hard work with no guarentees.


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## RoseRed (Aug 27, 2011)

SockPuppet said:


> Communication is working for me.
> 
> We all have expectations and boundaries and who knows what, that we expect our SO's to respect and abide by.
> 
> without telling my wife explicitly what they are, how can she know? Thats a trap a lot of folks fall into, thinking that if somebody loves you, then they should automatically know what to do/ not do.


:iagree:

just to add a note... as a spouse... it is also not only to communicate easily and openly... but be OBSERVANT! Actions speak much louder than words on both sides... watch and learn from your partner... you will see so much more than any word could express!


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

Atholk said:


> If you do nothing else, get physically fit and build muscle.


Spoken like a _true_ medical professional!:rofl:

(Not that I disagree with the importance of physical fitness, though:smthumbup


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## ren (Aug 1, 2011)

What seems to work best for me has been taking charge of the tone of our interactions. I used to nearly always let her negative attitudes spark misery, I didn't even realize it but I had ceded control over my own emotional state to her. Once I stopped letting her get to me things really started down a better path in our relationship. I'm still learning, but I've gotten much better at maintaining control. The most important part of this is that I've started recognizing my reactions to her and assessing whether they are actually productive. Before I would just react and let her push us into having a miserable time together, now I'm actively pulling her into having the best time together possible.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

trapper said:


> I have figured out that I am a procrastinator hence my current position, if I would have tried to fix this a few years ago I wouldn’t be typing now, Maybe.


Doing things, rather than just putting them off. Actions speak louder than words. 

I am getting more compliments as I actually do things around the house, rather than talk about them, particularly the home improvement project. Bonus points for including the kids to teach them/give my wife some down time.


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## SockPuppet (May 16, 2011)

ren said:


> What seems to work best for me has been taking charge of the tone of our interactions. I used to nearly always let her negative attitudes spark misery, I didn't even realize it but I had ceded control over my own emotional state to her. Once I stopped letting her get to me things really started down a better path in our relationship. I'm still learning, but I've gotten much better at maintaining control. The most important part of this is that I've started recognizing my reactions to her and assessing whether they are actually productive. Before I would just react and let her push us into having a miserable time together, now I'm actively pulling her into having the best time together possible.


:iagree:Chicks like to be dominated. True Story.


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## ren (Aug 1, 2011)

SockPuppet said:


> :iagree:Chicks like to be dominated. True Story.


It's taken me a damn long time to figure this one out, and I still don't want to believe it, but all the evidence is pointing there. True Story: Last night we're about to have sex and she asked what position I wanted. I say something about how I had been thinking doggy, then decided maybe her sideways, then decided maybe just straight missionary, I wasn't really sure because they are all great and so "while I figure it out I want my **** in your mouth". She's not been very prone to performing oral sex for awhile now and I've not been very prone to "demanding" it. I ask politely and I get turned down or at best get to lay back and enjoy a few minutes of generic BJ action. In this case I said it in a way that wasn't polite asking, and she was already laying down so I was in a very dominant position while she did it. I won't go into all the lewd details, but she started performing as enthusiastically as I've ever seen any woman in my life, and then she took it to the next level after I lubed her up and started teasing her in "an area she occasionally enjoys" while simultaneously holding her down and groping her with my other hand. I was just totally dominant through the whole thing in a way I never have been and she responded to it in a way I never would have believed. It was yet another incredible eye-opening experience of how positively women seem to respond to dominant behavior.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Pay attention.

LEAD. Be a smart, benevolent leader, not a demanding, posturing one.

Acknowledge, develop, and refine your own personal 'code'. One that is intrinsic to who you want to be, not who you think she wants you to be.

Oh ... and ... bow chicka bow wow ... That is all.


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

Deejo said:


> Pay attention.


Is this part of what works or just applied to this thread?



> LEAD. Be a smart, benevolent leader, not a demanding, posturing one.


Yup!



> Acknowledge, develop, and refine your own personal 'code'. One that is intrinsic to who you want to be, not who you think she wants you to be.


Even more yup! Most important!



> Oh ... and ... bow chicka bow wow ... That is all.


NOW you lost me...


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Being 'aware' and 'paying attention' should be at the top of the list in your personal code. It's pitifully easy to overlook, and pitifully easy to fix.

Bow chicka bow wow ... is representative of a musical bass riff often applied to late 70's porn. Even has it's own wiki on Urban Dictionary
In other words, good luck in the bedroom.


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

Deejo said:


> Bow chicka bow wow ... is representative of a musical bass riff often applied to late 70's porn. Even has it's own wiki on Urban Dictionary
> In other words, good luck in the bedroom.


You...don't...mean...to make this work you need........



A mullet and a moustache.........


NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!:rofl:


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## ManDup (Apr 22, 2011)

RoseRed said:


> Thank you Deejo. The "manning up" title is bit of a misnomer.. should be like 'personing up'... man or woman, being true to oneself! Using any resources must be taken carefully as they are written in generalities for the mass public. Each person needs to think upon any action they take and the consequences it may hold... not only for the spouse... but for yourself as well.
> 
> If you truly don't know your spouse, implementing some radical behaviour change without thorough consideration can become a huge setback, and yet a huge learning experience as well.
> 
> ...


Above all, of course, don't expect your spouse to know what they actually want. Most women love to be dominated, but part of that want is to not have to ask for it. It's kind of hollow if you have to ask for it. Beyond that, many women don't even know this about themselves. It makes it very hard on us men to know just how far to push it. I guess the rule of thumb is to push until you reach a boundary. For women, I think the trick is to surrender, because that is at the core of it all. You really don't want to lead anyway.


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