# advie on wife



## 44mag (Nov 6, 2014)

Let me start by saying I am a very insecure person I’ve had problems in the past and I see how the world is with cheating and lying to your spouse. I used to look at my wife’s phone and FB and she caught me more than once and she gets extremely mad when I used to do those things or when I ask too many questions in regards to her not being honest with me. I trust my wife and never thought she would be unfaithful or anything like that but now this is happening.

My wife is doing an internship for 3 months, she comes back in a week, during the beginning of the internship we were fine yes it was hard being 3000 miles away from each other but we both got used to it my insecurities showed up one day (don’t really remember the reason) about her getting hit on by her other male interns there are 10 of them and 18 females. She told me 44mag I’m with you, they know I’m married nothing is going to happen I just want you. I visited her about a month ago and it wasn’t good we fought a lot and didn’t enjoy the time we had together part of this reason was she was really busy that week and some days during the week I barely saw her and that frustrated me. I returned home worried about our relationship but not too long after I got home she sent me a handwritten letter that was very sweet and my doubts kind of went away. So here comes the main problem I started to notice that she was becoming more distant, she wasn’t as affectionate she didn’t text me as much and just something was different. Not knowing what else to do I logged into our phone account to see who she had been texting and calling. Basically for about 5 days now she has been texting this other intern all day (I know it’s a guy because before she left she gave me her room assignment for the internship which included his name and #). Like just today we talked on the phone at night and got off and I check the phone logs and his was the first message this morning and last at night. My wife has talked about this guy in general conversation and has said that they text but not that the text all day. There was some drama with the other interns who like this guy and thought my wife and him had something and my wife told me the whole story about the drama and that they were just friends and the other people in the internship were looking too much into everything that just because they text and talk that they are together. She told me it made her mad and again reassured me that she was mine and only mine. I can’t tell her I know that she has been texting him this much because she will freak out and say see 44mag you don’t trust me you never will and it will cause huge problems for me. I ask her why she is distant and she says she is unhappy with me right now because I worry about the relationship too much and I ask too many untrusting questions (I asked quite a few when she was telling me the intern drama) she says I always worry and always ask if our relationship is fine when she hasn’t done anything to prove otherwise (and I guess she is right in this part) So of course I relate her texting this other guy with the fact that I’ve been making her unhappy with my insecurities she is the type of girl that’s always had guy friends. So please people give me feedback on what you think is going on or am I again just being insecure. Thank you


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## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

And this is why you don't snoop! Now you're stuck with your own insecurities, some sort of vague 'evidence', and the inability to tell your Wife WHY you have these insecurities (because you broke her trust).

Read your own words:



> I ask her why she is distant and she says she is unhappy with me right now because I worry about the relationship too much and I ask too many untrusting questions (I asked quite a few when she was telling me the intern drama) she says I always worry and always ask if our relationship is fine when she hasn’t done anything to prove otherwise (and I guess she is right in this part)


You're driving her away. Keep it up and you may fulfill your own prophesy! The further away from you you push her, the greater the chance she will look for closeness (or some resemblance of it) elsewhere.

However, explain to her that you are not comfortable with her talking to other men frequently, especially about your relationship issues. That's often the way Emotional Affairs (EA) start.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

This is a bit of a 'what came first, the chicken or the egg?' sort of question. DayOne mentioned a self fulfilling prophecy, and that's exactly what I think has happened. Whether you picked someone who would by nature always feed your insecurities, or your insecurities pushed away a woman who would've otherwise stayed faithful, there's no real way to ever know, but the result is the same. As for what you can do at this point, well, what you've been doing up until this point hasn't been working out for you so well. Brings to mind the saying about the definition of insanity as doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. What you've been doing has ended up with her most likely starting an emotional affair, so if you keep going, I guess it doesn't take a genius to see what'll happen next.

It may be that her cheating was inevitable and a part of you knew that, desperately tried to prevent it. You can't stop her. She is her own person and will make her own choices. You can stop obsessing over it though. If she cheats, you'll live. It's not a life and death event. I think you need to seek help in starting to focus on other things in your life.

Edited to add: there'll be a tonne of advice from people telling you what to do when your spouse is cheating etc, but to be honest, I've never seen anyone actually save their marriage following it, only succeed in proving the infidelity, after which they soon divorce. Plus, I think you've been doing all of the stuff all along anyway, such as watching emails etc.


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## mr.bunbury (Oct 20, 2014)

The way I see it 44mag simply listened to his gut did some digging and found out that indeed there was reason to snoop around. That is standard male instinct, if he will deal with it correctly or not is another matter but a man not liking his wife texting another man all day, i call that a pretty reasonable thing to be upset about. No one should try and make him feel bad about it


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Yeah, I think you missed the part where he's been digging the entire relationship. The yard is full of holes and he's finally found something in one of them. No one is trying to make him feel bad about it, it is what it is.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

I understand that you feel insecure and others are telling you that you may cause a self-fulfilling prophesy. However, long distance relationships are normally fraught with concern and danger, and you have every right to feel concerned. I don't want to feed your insecurity but I think that you should always listen to your gut feeling. In my opinion you have every right to snoop.

If she gets mad about your snooping then she is focussing on the wrong thing. She needs to come clean. The simple truth of the matter, as you know, is that she is lying to you. And that is a pretty big deal! No matter what her justification is.

You need to ask her once again if she is telling you the truth and if she continues lying, then confront. Normally I would say to investigate further etc. but since she is so far away, this would be difficult over and above what you are already doing.

I would tell her that you know beyond the shadow of a doubt that she is lying and are concerned now about *why she is lying* and not just the emotional bond (possibly emotional affair) that she is building up. Do not tell her how you know.

She needs to cut off contact with this [email protected] who is clearly looking for something more. Men and women don't easily become just friends at work (or anywhere else for that matter). Especially when they spend a lot of time together and when they are not together, are constantly communicating.

Stop blaming yourself or justifying her behaviour - this is completely on her. She doesn't have to seek "solace" from another man.

Stay strong and, I would say ignore those who say that you are bringing this upon yourself. Get to the truth asap and c0ckbl0ck this guy asap. If you can. Else it may be time to face some tough decisions.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I think he should let her sleep with other men. How dare he impose any marital boundaries? I mean...really....


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## 44mag (Nov 6, 2014)

So whether i am wrong or right the consensus is that my wife does have something with this guy either emotional or physical? Is there no chance they are just friends and my wife is telling the truth?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Be an assh0le and do some more snooping. If you want to know for sure. Or live in uncertainty. Your choice. 

There is no such thing as privacy in marriage, despite what all these bleeding hearts say. Privacy is for taking a sh!t, not marriage. 

What there is in marriage is mutual respect, consideration, love, affection, and when it is earned....trust.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

44mag said:


> Let me start by saying I am a very insecure person I’ve had problems in the past and I see how the world is with cheating and lying to your spouse. I used to look at my wife’s phone and FB and she caught me more than once and she gets extremely mad when I used to do those things or when I ask too many questions in regards to her not being honest with me. *I trust my wife and never thought she would be unfaithful or anything like that but now this is happening.*


You are wrong on what's in bold, sorry.

The reason why you started snooping, was because you had a gut feeling something was up.

And no, you do NOT trust your wife....and thought she was hiding stuff/being unfaithful.

There is no such a thing as 100% trust. And if you have ANY doubts, there is absolutely no reason why your wife should not give you access to her phone/facebook etc.....

blaming someone for being insecure or snooping is usually an excuse of a person that is hiding something.

In a marriage/relationship THERE IS NO PRIVACY (ok fine, in the bathroom only). Otherwise, neither party should have anything to hide.



44mag said:


> My wife is doing an internship for 3 months, she comes back in a week, during the beginning of the internship we were fine yes it was hard being 3000 miles away from each other but we both got used to it my insecurities showed up one day (don’t really remember the reason) about her getting hit on by her other male interns there are 10 of them and 18 females. She told me 44mag I’m with you, they know I’m married nothing is going to happen I just want you. I visited her about a month ago and it wasn’t good we fought a lot and didn’t enjoy the time we had together part of this reason was she was really busy that week and some days during the week I barely saw her and that frustrated me. I returned home worried about our relationship but not too long after I got home she sent me a handwritten letter that was very sweet and my doubts kind of went away. So here comes the main problem I started to notice that she was becoming more distant, she wasn’t as affectionate she didn’t text me as much and just something was different. Not knowing what else to do I logged into our phone account to see who she had been texting and calling. Basically for about 5 days now she has been texting this other intern all day (I know it’s a guy because before she left she gave me her room assignment for the internship which included his name and #). Like just today we talked on the phone at night and got off and I check the phone logs and his was the first message this morning and last at night. My wife has talked about this guy in general conversation and has said that they text but not that the text all day. There was some drama with the other interns who like this guy and thought my wife and him had something and my wife told me the whole story about the drama and that they were just friends and the other people in the internship were looking too much into everything that just because they text and talk that they are together. She told me it made her mad and again reassured me that she was mine and only mine. I can’t tell her I know that she has been texting him this much because she will freak out and say see 44mag you don’t trust me you never will and it will cause huge problems for me. I ask her why she is distant and she says she is unhappy with me right now because I worry about the relationship too much and I ask too many untrusting questions (I asked quite a few when she was telling me the intern drama) she says I always worry and always ask if our relationship is fine when she hasn’t done anything to prove otherwise (and I guess she is right in this part) So of course I relate her texting this other guy with the fact that I’ve been making her unhappy with my insecurities she is the type of girl that’s always had guy friends. So please people give me feedback on what you think is going on or am I again just being insecure. Thank you


You know why she got mad? Cause she wants the cookie, and eat it too.

Chances are high DISTANCE killed your relationship....and fact that she started to engage with other males.......in time....nature takes it's course. Any opposite sex interaction will usually end up with connection of some sort.......now you see why I don't believe in opposite sex "friends"....amongst many other reasons.

Here is what I would do. I would establish CLEAR boundries on texting and friends. No texting or friendships with opposite sex. Class mate thing is fine of course, interacting etc (read: don't take above to extreme). But close friendships/texts etc is unacceptable. Try to also put her in your shoes, how would she feel if you had close relationships/texts with another female?

THEN I would watch her CLOSELY and see her reaction.

HOW she reacts to above is what will tell you the story.

If she agrees and goes along with it. That's a good sign.

If you get anger, defensiveness/offensiveness and disagreement. Break up with her. You don't want that kind of a person. She is simply not Long Term relationship material.

Be ready to lose her TODAY. For your OWN good.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening 44mag
I'm afraid that you have shown your wife that you don't trust her. When people feel less trusted, they can become less trust worthy - there is this sense that they are already being punished for a crime they didn't commit.

You can NEVER be sure that your partner isn't cheating. All you can ever know is that you haven't found out YET. 

She might be cheating, she might not - no one can tell. At this point you can snoop more and discover when she cheats, or show her that you trust her and maybe she won't.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

How much longer is she going to be 3,000 miles away that is a marriage killer and yes it is an emotional affair to say the least.
and your gut was telling you to snoop and well sadly you were right.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

44mag I suggest you ask a mod to put this in the cwi section you will get more focused responses.


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## bigbearsfan (Feb 11, 2014)

44mag said:


> Like just today we talked on the phone at night and got off and I check the phone logs and his was the first message this morning and last at night. My wife has talked about this guy in general conversation and has said that they text but not that the text all day. There was some drama with the other interns who like this guy and thought my wife and him had something and my wife told me the whole story about the drama and that they were just friends and the other people in the internship were looking too much into everything that just because they text and talk that they are together. She told me it made her mad and again reassured me that she was mine and only mine.


Sorry to the bearer of bad news but she just laid out her first cover story to you. Something happening where the other interns have caught on and she is just covering her tracks just in case it gets back to you! You need to squash this now before its to late!


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening 44mag
> I'm afraid that you have shown your wife that you don't trust her. *When people feel less trusted, they can become less trust worthy - there is this sense that they are already being punished for a crime they didn't commit.*You can NEVER be sure that your partner isn't cheating. All you can ever know is that you haven't found out YET.
> 
> She might be cheating, she might not - no one can tell. At this point you can snoop more and discover when she cheats, or show her that you trust her and maybe she won't.


Hi OP, and Richard:

(in bold)
a lot of people make this observation - the implication being that there is a cost to snooping on your spouse (e.g. gut feelings) if:

1 - spouse is not cheating; and
2 - spouse discovers the spying

but I think just like one does not want to be married to a cheater, you _also do not want to be married to someone who uses their spouse's suspicion and jealousy (unreasnable though it might be) as an 'excuse to prove them right.' _ 
that is a child's game. IMO the reposnsible, loving spouse of good character - that is nonetheless dealing with inordinate trust/jealousy issues from their partner - WILL NOT cheat as a result. on the contrary they will be sad, distressed about the lack of t5rust and want to work through it with their spouse.
Nor will they be quick to pull the divorce trigger based on one instance of unreasonable suspicion and snooping.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

44mag said:


> Let me start by saying I am a very insecure person I’ve had problems in the past and I see how the world is with cheating and lying to your spouse. I used to look at my wife’s phone and FB and she caught me more than once and she gets extremely mad when I used to do those things or when I ask too many questions in regards to her not being honest with me. I trust my wife and never thought she would be unfaithful or anything like that but now this is happening.
> 
> My wife is doing an internship for 3 months, she comes back in a week, during the beginning of the internship we were fine yes it was hard being 3000 miles away from each other but we both got used to it my insecurities showed up one day (don’t really remember the reason) about her getting hit on by her other male interns there are 10 of them and 18 females. She told me 44mag I’m with you, they know I’m married nothing is going to happen I just want you. I visited her about a month ago and it wasn’t good we fought a lot and didn’t enjoy the time we had together part of this reason was she was really busy that week and some days during the week I barely saw her and that frustrated me. I returned home worried about our relationship but not too long after I got home she sent me a handwritten letter that was very sweet and my doubts kind of went away. So here comes the main problem I started to notice that she was becoming more distant, she wasn’t as affectionate she didn’t text me as much and just something was different. Not knowing what else to do I logged into our phone account to see who she had been texting and calling. Basically for about 5 days now she has been texting this other intern all day (I know it’s a guy because before she left she gave me her room assignment for the internship which included his name and #). Like just today we talked on the phone at night and got off and I check the phone logs and his was the first message this morning and last at night. My wife has talked about this guy in general conversation and has said that they text but not that the text all day. There was some drama with the other interns who like this guy and thought my wife and him had something and my wife told me the whole story about the drama and that they were just friends and the other people in the internship were looking too much into everything that just because they text and talk that they are together. She told me it made her mad and again reassured me that she was mine and only mine. I can’t tell her I know that she has been texting him this much because she will freak out and say see 44mag you don’t trust me you never will and it will cause huge problems for me. I ask her why she is distant and she says she is unhappy with me right now because I worry about the relationship too much and I ask too many untrusting questions (I asked quite a few when she was telling me the intern drama) she says I always worry and always ask if our relationship is fine when she hasn’t done anything to prove otherwise (and I guess she is right in this part) So of course I relate her texting this other guy with the fact that I’ve been making her unhappy with my insecurities *she is the type of girl that’s always had guy friends*. So please people give me feedback on what you think is going on or am I again just being insecure. Thank you


OP:

Lila just posted some well-considered thoughts. However I see (in bold) something that justifies your suspicion now, in the past and in the future. IMO a woman with a tendency to have a lot of guy frends, including on insisting carrying over those friendships into her marriage, has a personality style that significantly raises the probability of her cheating. not sayin' she has a full blown personality disorder, it's just that a person with narcisstic tendencies - say - cannot stand to have only one "fan" of the opposite sex. Adoration from their marriage partner is never quite enough for them.

I would have a more general discussion with her and tell her that you want marital boundaries that essentially rule out close friendships with other guys. IMO people devoted to their spouse tend to 'get this' without prompting. not always perhaps....


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

nuclearnightmare said:


> OP:
> 
> Lila just posted some well-considered thoughts. However I see (in bold) something that justifies your suspicion now, in the past and in the future. IMO a woman with a tendency to have a lot of guy frends, including on insisting carrying over those friendships into her marriage, has a personality style that significantly raises the probability of her cheating. not sayin' she has a full blown personality disorder, it's just that a person with narcisstic tendencies - say - cannot stand to have only one "fan" of the opposite sex. Adoration from their marriage partner is never quite enough for them.
> 
> I would have a more general discussion with her and tell her that you want marital boundaries that essentially rule out close friendships with other guys. IMO people devoted to their spouse tend to 'get this' without prompting. not always perhaps....


I would just accept her for who she is and leave.

Find someone that is relationship material, OP's wife is NOT (something he should've identified and accepted during dating/pre martial stage).


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

OP, I don't totally buy into the "I'm naturally suspicious and insecure …" bit - people become this way because of what they have seen or experienced (as you have said in the start of your post). So you have had reason to be suspicious.

Add to this the fact that "she has always had guy friends …" again gives you a big reason to be suspicious. Generally, guys don't just hand around with girls unless they hope they will get something more than friendship from them.

Then, there is the distance thing and, as others have said, her being upset that you are concerned instead of also being concerned and maybe even sad. One is an enabling situation providing her with every opportunity to form, at the very least, an emotional attachment to the other guy, and the other is a red flag.

Finally, and this is the big one, she lies to you when you know that she has contacted and texted him more than she lets on. This is the biggest red flag. You just don't want to confront her with this because you are afraid of being told that you snoop too much ?!? You are falling for her manipulation.

As I said in my previous post, you have every right to be suspicious and concerned. Your gut is telling you so, the situation and evidence tells you so - hell, she even tried to prepare you for the possibility that you hear it from someone else by telling you that others (WHO ARE THERE WITH HER) think that something is going on.

How many red flags do you need ????

But … she is 3000 miles away and there is not much more you can do other than snoop in the way that you are doing. You could try hiring a PI to spy on them 3000 miles away and this might be expensive and inconclusive depending on the PI and where she is. You could confront with what you know, without revealing how you know, and watch her reaction. If she doesn't come clean about what you definitely know to be fact, then you know she is lying, and in this case you need to either find out why, or just accept that this is over and prepare to split.

Do not let others tell you that you are being overly insecure - many would be in your situation.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

You sound way too needy, and your wife probably lost attraction to you. First, get some self-confidence back. Work out, dress well, be playful, because attraction is part of love. 

Also, accept tthe fact that your wife may be cheating. Continue to gather evidence and be vigilant. At the same time, work on you. do high intense impact training. You should look that up on google. You maximize your work out in the shortest time. Create a life without your wife. You need a certain amount of independence from any relationship. It helps decompress you.

Third, you operated your life on fear. Not exactly the wisest thing to do. If you build yourself up, whether or not a relationship ends, no matter what. you will end up fine. Hell one day, you might end the relationship because you are no longer compatible. People are in constant flux, and you should always be striving to improve yourself.


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