# Questions about "EFT" and the book "Hold Me Tight"



## SandboxDweller

Yesterday in therapy, my therapist told me to get this book which I did, about EFT (Emotionally Focused Therapy). I can't put it down.

Has anybody read this? Put it into practice? What did you think? Did it work for you?


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## SeparationAnxiety

SandboxDweller said:


> Yesterday in therapy, my therapist told me to get this book which I did, about EFT (Emotionally Focused Therapy). I can't put it down.
> 
> Has anybody read this? Put it into practice? What did you think? Did it work for you?


RE: "Hold Me Tight"

This is the third book I am reading as I am preparing to separate with my wife in two-three weeks. About two weeks ago she told me that she wants to divorce me and we should meet with lawyers or start mediation. I was shocked and made all the classical mistakes (crying, begging, pleading, apologizing, etc...) Fortunately, we've been able to agree on a trial separation first, before taking this drastic step, even though she is certain that divorce is inevitable because she is no longer in love with me.

So far, even several pages in to this book, this is THE BEST BOOK I HAVE READ to date on the topic. It doesn't dilly dally - it gets straight to the one issue that can solve all your problems, no matter how diverse. And, it does so in a very believable fashion when you think about what the book is saying.

As I relate the author's words to my own marriage of 21 years, I totally get what I did wrong and what I can do to fix it and have a chance for reconciliation to happen.


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## 225985

SeparationAnxiety said:


> RE: "Hold Me Tight"
> 
> This is the third book I am reading as I am preparing to separate with my wife in two-three weeks. About two weeks ago she told me that she wants to divorce me and we should meet with lawyers or start mediation. I was shocked and made all the classical mistakes (crying, begging, pleading, apologizing, etc...) Fortunately, we've been able to agree on a trial separation first, before taking this drastic step, even though she is certain that divorce is inevitable because she is no longer in love with me.
> 
> So far, even several pages in to this book, this is THE BEST BOOK I HAVE READ to date on the topic. It doesn't dilly dally - it gets straight to the one issue that can solve all your problems, no matter how diverse. And, it does so in a very believable fashion when you think about what the book is saying.
> 
> As I relate the author's words to my own marriage of 21 years, I totally get what I did wrong and what I can do to fix it and have a chance for reconciliation to happen.


What is the full title? There seems to be two versions or books listed at Amazon.


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## farsidejunky

@Deejo and @jld both have read this book and think highly of it.

I tagged them to see if they would drop in on this thread.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## jld

farsidejunky said:


> @Deejo and @jld both have read this book and think highly of it.
> 
> I tagged them to see if they would drop in on this thread.
> 
> Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


Hi, far. Yes, I read _HMT, _but over a year ago. I really should reread it.

OP, I did enjoy the book. I don't have it in front of me, as I am out of country right now, but I remember she encouraged each partner to open their heart to the other, in complete vulnerability. The purpose was not to attack in any way, but just to expose our hurt openly, and not hide anymore. 

Have you heard the saying, "If we don't talk it out, we will act it out"? I think she is trying to get things out so the unkind actions driven by the hurt can stop.When we do that, our partner will usually be moved by compassion for our suffering. 

Our vulnerability can invite our partner's vulnerability, too. I told my husband nearly two years ago that I cry sometimes when I think about our son's cancer coming back. To my surprise, my husband told me that he cries about it sometimes, too. I did not realize that. His vulnerability was in response to mine, and it was a moment of bonding for us. 

The author also talked about attachment theory as applied to marriage. I am a strong believer in attachment theory as applied to childrearing. I breastfed my five children for years, did the family bed, and homeschool in a very relaxed fashion.

I think my husband in many ways has treated our marriage as an attachment experience. He is very committed and caring with me. I don't think he believes in divorce. He strongly believes in nurturing a wife and providing a stable base and commitment to her. He has never read _HMT,_ but I think he lives it.


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## SeparationAnxiety

blueinbr said:


> What is the full title? There seems to be two versions or books listed at Amazon.


The full title is: Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love
Author: Sue Johnson

I just finished reading. This book is EXCELLENT and I am going to try to apply the teachings to my relationship on the verge of separation (with my wife, started by my wife).

I am now going to start reading: Divorce Busting: A Step-by-Step Approach to Making Your Marriage Loving Again

I'll report back on how that goes...

I have managed in three short weeks to reconnect with my wife by being there for her emotionally and in conversation, yes acting somewhat like a tail (I know it's bad, but it's hard not to do it when you feel love for the other person), and overall agreeing to anything and everything. My story is in this thread.

She is still very upset with our two decades of marriage and that I was not there for her at various times and still thinks that our marriage cannot be saved. I continue the effort and now that at least we can talk, I hope it will get easier.

This book has helped me tremendously on the communication and connection side of things, as well as the next steps to take.


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## 225985

SeparationAnxiety said:


> I am going to try to apply the teachings to my relationship on the verge of separation (with my wife, started by my wife).
> 
> 
> I'll report back on how that goes...


Thank you SA.

I am expecting a PM from you in one month telling me the separation is on hold and that your relationship with your wife is much improved.

GOOD LUCK!ray:


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## SeparationAnxiety

blueinbr said:


> Thank you SA.
> 
> I am expecting a PM from you in one month telling me the separation is on hold and that your relationship with your wife is much improved.
> 
> GOOD LUCK!ray:


Whatever it takes (from me), I won't let her go. I love her and the kids so much that I am willing to change to whatever she wants me to be and will be there for her. A lot of men seem to give up too easily, but I won't let my kids be split between us for long due to custody or let my wife go unhappy, at least within my humble abilities. I know that I was too lax in my responsibilities as a husband and many times even as a father and it's time for me to "grow up" - a little sad coming from a guy in his mid-forties. On the other hand we have both been faithful and I know that deep inside she still loves me, I just have to help her let go of the pain of growing apart over the decades by showing lots of unconditional love and support.

As I go through this ordeal, I will try to keep this thread updated on what helps and what doesn't. The thing that has helped the most so far is to reconnect. This was not easy. I had to read several books to help me understand how to do this effectively - how to avoid arguments at all costs and be supportive, even as things were moving against me. I have to be thankful that I have reached this milestone before she physically moved out of the house.

Communication is key! That is blatantly obvious at this point. On the other hand, there are external factors that are not working in my favor. My wife "hangs out" with divorced girlfriends who are ever eager to offer her "helpful" advice on how reconciliation didn't work with their ex-husbands (i.e., projecting the behavior of their ex-husbands lack of permanent change on to me).


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