# Wife's Affair Leads to Divorce: My Long Journey to Recovery After Divo Advice needed.



## ExisaWAW

I'm new to this site & need help. My wife was a classic WAW who went through a MLC at 39 and had an affair. We have 2 girls (8&12) and when I caught her, she wanted a divorce. I never saw it coming. After the divorce, she dated like crazy and has been seeing the same guy for 8 mos now. I still hope for a miracle reconciliation. She really wants us to be friends and at times, I have acted that way towards her. 

For much of the time after the divorce, I did everything wrong by pining over her and trying to get her back. During the marriage, we were very wealthy. I took a voluntary severance package a couple of weeks before I found out about her affair & I still haven't found work. She got a lot of money in the divorce & she doesn't work. 

Ok, from everything I've read, I should do a 180, go dark (she'll hate this because she really wants me friendly), get another great job, and move on with my life. 

Hopefully she will see the huge change and start wondering why I'm so disinterested. As for her relationship, that's tricky. He lives 1.5 hours away & he has 3 kids. He's crazy about my ex but this is her first serious relationship since the D, so I am praying that it runs it's course soon. 

Is there anything else I should be doing to improve my chances? And, I'm a religious guy, so I've been praying everyday that God will lead her back to me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tacoma

*Re: Help! Divorced for 11 mos & still want reconciliation. Advice needed.*

She's been gone for almost a year and has a whole new life & new relationship.

What makes you think she's interested in coming back?

I think you need to consider the 180's main purpose and start focussing on that.

The 180's main purpose is to help you move on to a new life without her.
Find a new relationship of your own.


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## ExisaWAW

*Re: Help! Divorced for 11 mos & still want reconciliation. Advice needed.*

Thanks Tacoma. You're probably right. She seems very happy. For some reason I still love her, despite everything that has happened and everything she did to ruin our marriage. I wish I could move on, but I can't.

I definitely need to continue to focus on getting my career back on track. She has not shown me any signs of wanting to reconcile. She is very pleasant towards me but never flirtatious. Over Xmas, she had me over to her house to open presents and she burst into tears a couple of times. She ran out if the room & I comforted her, telling her that we could have fixed our marriage. She wouldn't open up to me but I definitely saw regret in her eyes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tacoma

*Re: Help! Divorced for 11 mos & still want reconciliation. Advice needed.*

Have you been out with any women since the divorce?

Are you pursuing a social life?


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## ExisaWAW

*Re: Help! Divorced for 11 mos & still want reconciliation. Advice needed.*

Yes & no. I've met a few women through church and I've went out in a couple of dates. What I've learned is that I'm not ready for dating. I seem to compare them to my ex & it's hard considering I was married for 13 years and had two children with her. I realize that my ex is probably gone for good. I also know in my mind that I should forget about her, learn from the experience, and move on. 

However, like many who didn't want the divorce, I am struggling with my new reality. Holding out hope that my ex will one day wake up and realize she made a big mistake in leaving me is kinda foolish. Of course I know she loves me at some level, but like you said, she's clearly moved on and is in a new relationship. 

I know in my heart that if she would have tried, we could have fixed our marriage. We never tried counseling or anything. Simply put, she got bored and left. No matter how much I wish she'd reconsider, there's no indication she's interested in doing that. 

After reading through so many threads and learning about how so many other ppl in my situation are coping, I will probably still pray for reconciliation, but definitely do the 180 (for me), along w/ LC, and of course get my career back on track. One of the reasons the divorce has consumed me the way it has is because I was out if work for so long. Had I been working, I would have handled things much better. 

Even my pastor said I should make my interest in reconciliation known but then move on & leave it up to my ex to pursue me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dedicated2Her

*Re: Help! Divorced for 11 mos & still want reconciliation. Advice needed.*



> Over Xmas, she had me over to her house to open presents and she burst into tears a couple of times. She ran out if the room & I comforted her, telling her that we could have fixed our marriage. She wouldn't open up to me but I definitely saw regret in her eyes.


And, here you go.....Have you done anything else together with the kids? If so, STOP. Her familiarity with you has to completely go away, and you are going to have to stop hoping for something that is completely out of your control. You say you are a religious man, then it's time to figure out why God has you where he has you. I too explained to my ex I want reconciliation, however, I've moved on. The ball is in her court, and I will never speak of it again.

See, instead of praying that God brings her back, pray for both of you to be stripped of your flesh. It is from your own personal desires that you want your wife back. Getting our desires in line with God's is going to allow you to live an abudant life, a life of peace, joy, and love. You have been placed in a most honorable position because of hardship. Flesh is always broken through emotional pain.

Love your ex enough to let her go, and let God do what He needs to do in her life. Love yourself enough to embrace what He is trying to do in yours.


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## Married in VA

*Re: Help! Divorced for 11 mos & still want reconciliation. Advice needed.*

I agree with dedicated2Her above. 

In order to help understand your situation better, I have a couple of questions.

1. You said that you lost a lot of money in your divorce. Did your divorce go to trial in front of a judge or did you sign an agreement?

2. What is your custody situation? Did you just allow your ex to take sole custody or did you fight for custody? What was the end result?

When you answer the above questions, I'll give you more advice. You need to understand that your ex didn't suffer a mid life crisis. There is no such thing. That is just a term we use to justify adults, who happen to be middle aged, behaving like children. There is NO excuse for your wife's behavior. Marriage is a choice. It takes TWO to make a marriage and one to break it. Your ex simply got bored and decided the grass was greener on the other side of the fence. 

She will experience guilt in front of you because she knows in her heart of hearts that she is wrong for what she has done. You didn't say if she was religious but she also probably knows that her actions will subject her to GOD's judgment because adulterers cannot inherit the kingdom of heaven. 

Don't mistake her guilt for wanting to reconcile. Her addiction to the OM will overpower that and as long as you still go around her you will never get her back. She is too familiar with you and will relate you to the failed marriage. You can only start to go around her again when you achieve total indifference. Once you truly don't want her back you can start to be friends with her again. Live your life for you, stop wasting time on her, she's moved on.


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## ExisaWAW

*Re: Help! Divorced for 11 mos & still want reconciliation. Advice needed.*

Dedicated, thanks. I will no longer do anything with her & our girls. It only tears me up inside afterwards anyways. I am definitely letting her go now. 1 Corin 7:11 urges divorced women to reconcile to their husbands. I pray for reconciliation but I also pray for God's will. Thanks for your advice. 

Married, I signed an agreement. The divorce was getting very expensive (over $100K) & I couldn't take it any longer. 

We have joint custody & she is the custodial parent. I get expanded visitation where I can get them every Thurs after school through Fri morns and then the 1st, 3rd, & rare 5th wknds (from Thurs-Mon AM).

I agree with what you said about how she feels. She stopped going to church. I know she must feel guilty. I agree that I need to get to indifference.


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## Married in VA

*Re: Help! Divorced for 11 mos & still want reconciliation. Advice needed.*

You see, I ask this because I think you may be suffering from nice guy syndrome. Read the following two books for information purposes.

1. No more Mr. Nice Guy by Robert Glover
2. Married Man's Sex Life Primer by Athol Kay

Athol occasionally posts here. Both of these books will help you work on yourself so you can be ready for your next relationship whether that be with your ex-wife in a new marriage or the next woman you are involved with.

I personally would never sign an agreement on a divorce like what you signed. That makes me think you may be having some "nice guy" issues. Being a nice guy is not a bad thing in itself, but it hurts your relationships. If your ex didn't work, how did she get the money for an attorney to file for divorce? I also would never allow my cheating ex wife to have primary custody of my children. It would have to come from a judge that way. Did you just give in to the fear that guys always lose in court and just gave her what she wants? Most contested divorces don't cost anywhere near 100K. What did you spend your money on? Who filed the divorce?

Most cheaters who were church going Christians before their adultery usually stop going to church. The guilt is just too much. Also, you will hear sermons each Sunday which talk about how adultery is a sin. If you are in that sin, you can't sit there and listen to that. Hard-heartedness takes over and they stop coming back and fall away. Satan wins and that man/woman loses. Also, in church you know people who know what is going on. Good Christians will confront fellow believers who are caught in sin. Your ex is terribly lost and needs prayer. Most of all she needs a good, strong, Christian woman to explain to her the eternal consequences of her decision. 

As for you, you can't do anything to get her out of her sin. It is out of your hands. You give it over to God and wait for him to act if HE chooses to. You are no longer bound to her since she committed adultery.


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## Dedicated2Her

*Re: Help! Divorced for 11 mos & still want reconciliation. Advice needed.*



> I agree with what you said about how she feels. She stopped going to church. I know she must feel guilty. I agree that I need to get to indifference.


I agree with Married on the books....however, in regards to the above comment.

It really isn't about getting to indifference to a believer, it is about understanding and trusting God. The ability to humble yourself and place yourself before him saying "whatever you need from me, whatever you want to do in me". Trust.....Him. I have many friends that have reconciled. Let me tell you this, I am happy I haven't. Why? Because everyday I haven't, I have grown. If I was still married, she would be hindering me in that regard. It was necessary to be away from someone who is toxic. And trust me, a guilty person, is a toxic person. What is the definition of righteousness? Freedom from sin and guilt. Until she gets freedom that is only given through forgiveness and is able to live guilt free that comes only through true Godly sorrow, she is incapable of righteousness. That, my friend, is a hinderance for you as a man.

She may come back, or maybe, God is looking to do something in you beyond what you could imagine. That way, you can answer another woman's prayers, and be God's gift to her........as a new man.

Don't put Him in a box. Take each day at a time with no limits.


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## Married in VA

*Re: Help! Divorced for 11 mos & still want reconciliation. Advice needed.*

Dedicated,
Very true and well written.


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## ExisaWAW

*Re: Help! Divorced for 11 mos & still want reconciliation. Advice needed.*

Thanks Dedicated! This entire episode of my life has been quite an experience for trusting God. I don't know why I have been through what I have but I realize it's part of God's plan for me so that makes it a little easier to live through.

Jeremiah 29:11 states "For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." And with that I am confident that I will be okay.


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## Dedicated2Her

*Re: Help! Divorced for 11 mos & still want reconciliation. Advice needed.*



> Thanks Dedicated! This entire episode of my life has been quite an experience for trusting God. I don't know why I have been through what I have but I realize it's part of God's plan for me so that makes it a little easier to live through.
> 
> Jeremiah 29:11 states "For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." And with that I am confident that I will be okay.


You are welcome. But, here is the better part. This is not just about you being ok or God's plan for you. It's also about the people you will come in contact with. The people around you. That has been the big impact for me. My trials, my change, the man I have become has inspired others and changed them. It has had a domino effect with my relationships. I have seen 7 men's lives changed in direct response to what has happened to me. 5 of those men where separated and have been reconciled to their spouses. The other two, have seen amazing things, just in other ways. Everything works together for the good of those who love Him. You are called to peace, not bondage. Stop torturing yourself over your wife's decisions. Become who God created you to be.


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## mupostori

*Re: Help! Divorced for 11 mos & still want reconciliation. Advice needed.*

the thing that stops a believer or rightly put former
believer to stop praying because of Sin is the spirit of the devil
now who is able stand against the wrath of God .

I would rather you pray for deliverance from the hand of the devil


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## happyman64

*Re: Help! Divorced for 11 mos & still want reconciliation. Advice needed.*



ExisaWAW said:


> Thanks Tacoma. You're probably right. She seems very happy. For some reason I still love her, despite everything that has happened and everything she did to ruin our marriage. I wish I could move on, but I can't.
> 
> I definitely need to continue to focus on getting my career back on track. She has not shown me any signs of wanting to reconcile. She is very pleasant towards me but never flirtatious. Over Xmas, she had me over to her house to open presents and she burst into tears a couple of times. She ran out if the room & I comforted her, telling her that we could have fixed our marriage. She wouldn't open up to me but I definitely saw regret in her eyes.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ex

Nice guys finish last. What you should have done is asked "Are you happy now? Satisfied that you destroyed our marriage and broke up our family?" 

And then walked out the door.

Your ex has suffered no consequences. You will always be her Plan B. She knows it.

So pray tonight that God gives you the strength to find yourself, your courage and your balls to live your life to the fullest without her.

Because until you are really out of her life she will never truly miss you; nor contemplate what her horrible decisions truly cost her.

HM64


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## tacoma

*Re: Help! Divorced for 11 mos & still want reconciliation. Advice needed.*



ExisaWAW said:


> Even my pastor said I should make my interest in reconciliation known but then move on & leave it up to my ex to pursue me.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


After so much bad advice I've seen posted here from pastors and priests it's good to see some still understand life.

Your pastor gave you good advice, take it.

I wish you luck


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## ExisaWAW

HM, I'm sure you are correct. The part that is tough for me to watch is the appearance from her that everything is wonderful in her life. She exited the marriage with our girls, over 1/2 million in cash, and immediately found a successful guy who is crazy for her. He loves to flaunt her by constantly taking her out on the town & she absolutely craves the attention. 

I need to believe that she is trying to bury her shame & grief of ruining the marriage & destroying me in the process by putting so much effort into this relationship w/o taking any time to contemplate her actions and sort through her emotions. I agree that I need to continue to distance myself from her. I no longer have any heartfelt discussions with her. I keep it strictly business about the girls. I can really tell she missed those conversations. She even texted me after a disagreement over the girls asking me not to get mad and to please not do my "no communication" thing again. Wow, NC was having an impact. 





happyman64 said:


> Ex
> 
> Nice guys finish last. What you should have done is asked "Are you happy now? Satisfied that you destroyed our marriage and broke up our family?"
> 
> And then walked out the door.
> 
> Your ex has suffered no consequences. You will always be her Plan B. She knows it.
> 
> So pray tonight that God gives you the strength to find yourself, your courage and your balls to live your life to the fullest without her.
> 
> Because until you are really out of her life she will never truly miss you; nor contemplate what her horrible decisions truly cost her.
> 
> HM64


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happyman64

*Re: Help! Divorced for 11 mos & still want reconciliation. Advice needed.*

Ex



> I keep it strictly business about the girls. I can really tell she missed those conversations. She even texted me after a disagreement over the girls asking me not to get mad and to please not do my "no communication" thing again. Wow, NC was having an impact.


You need to learn to not be there for her.

The best thing you can truly do for yourself is "Let Her Go".

It is a powerful action.

It clearly shows that you are moving on in your life without her.

And you know what? She does not deserve to have an ounce of you in her life.

You can still be a great Dad. But a friend to her? No.

Some people say revenge is not necessary. I say the best revenge is living a life well lived!

So let her go. 

And if she tells you not to do the silent treatment on her just send her a text. "I have nothing to say"

If she tells you she misses you or the conversations you used to have. Just send her a text. "Remember, you fired me from being your Husband."

Sometimes a Battered Spouse needs to walk away. And it sounds like you do.

But do me a favor?

Make yourself a promise to love your kids no matter what.
Make yourself a promise to stop loving your Ex. She has not deserved your love for a while now.
Make me a promise to live your life that sets an example for your children to follow.

I have 3 girls. 11,13 and 19.

I make it my business to point out bad behavior, good behavior and exemplary behavior.

You do the same. Even if you use your Ex as an example.
Just do it respectfully.

I know from what values you have shown here that you will be happy again and find someone that shares your values of love, honor and marriage.

Sermon Over.

HM64


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## happyman64

*Re: Help! Divorced for 11 mos & still want reconciliation. Advice needed.*

Ex

Let me point you to another poster who has an incredible story.

He loved his Ex. It will move you. 

In what direction it will move you is your guess?

His name is JValley.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/49839-ex-wife-critically-ill-dont-know-what-do.html


Good Luck


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## ExisaWAW

*Re: Help! Divorced for 11 mos & still want reconciliation. Advice needed.*

HM, Wow. Thank you. I need to print this out. God Bless you & thanks again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happyman64

*Re: Help! Divorced for 11 mos & still want reconciliation. Advice needed.*

Exisa

God bless you and your kids.

I will remember you and your entire family in my prayers.

Now go and make yourself proud and put your families worries about you to rest.

Live long and prosper!

HM64


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## ExisaWAW

*Re: Help! Divorced for 11 mos & still want reconciliation. Advice needed.*

HM, thank you for your prayers. Ok, it looks like God is at work shaping things. I just learned from my SiL that it looks like my ex is talking marriage w/ her BF. I knew things were getting serious but it appears like they will be getting engaged any day. They have already been discussing logistical issues like where to live (they are 1.5 hours away), do they build an addition or buy a new house, etc. So much for my reconciliation chances. Part of God's plan, I guess. I choose to believe that some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers. 

After being together 14 years & raising 2 kids, she started dating right after the D was final, & got into a LTR just 3 mos later. This will be his third & her second marriage. I pray for my children. Their lives are going to continue to change so much. First a D, then a seldom home, unattentive mom, now a possible relo & a blended family. My ex is terrified of being alone & her biggest worry was not being able to make it on her own.

Wow. A lot to process. She seems hellbent on self destruction & there's nothing I can do but pray for her & my girls. ... and to let go.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happyman64

*Re: Help! Divorced for 11 mos & still want reconciliation. Advice needed.*

Exisa
I will say it again. 

Why on earth would you want to be married to a woman like that......

I think Gods message to you is to move on. 

Your wife had plenty of money after the divorce. She would have been fine for awhile as a single mom. To take time to heal. 

But no. She is marrying her bf of less than a year. 

Stay out of it. 

Protect your kids. 

And go find a real woman who is not selfish and shares the same values as you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ExisaWAW

*Re: Help! Divorced for 11 mos & still want reconciliation. Advice needed.*

HM, Quick update. First off, thanks for all the awesome advice. Today was a big day. I went to drop off my girls' suitcases at my ex's this morning after I dropped them off at school. As I drove by her house, I realized that Mr. Wonderful was there. I went home.

This is the second time that he has spent the night on a Sunday. Ok, enough already. I called my ex awhile later & asked if I could come over to speak to her.

Naturally she wondered what was up & I told her it was time that I leveled with her & got a few things off my chest.

She was a bit hesitant but finally said, sure, come on over. She & I have never really sat down & reflected back on our marriage until now. Since 11 months have past, we've both been able to reflect back on the 13+ years we were together. I sat down & told her that I realized her relationship with her BF was getting serious & I wished her well. I told her what she probably already knows, that I've had a very difficult time adjusting to divorced life & that I still love her. I told her that I am having a harder time adjusting because I am still out of work & that the divorce came out of nowhere for me.

We talked for over 2 hours. I had asked her to share with me what her fondest memories were. I just had to hear it from her that there were things she missed as well. She shared a lot of great things that made us both smile & cry. After we had talked everything out, it seemed time for me to say goodbye. I mentioned to her that I will continue to pray for her & our girls and she should expect to hear from me less frequently. I explained to her that in order for me to continue my healing process, that I couldn't keep pretending to be her friend anymore.

I gave her a big hug, grabbed her face, gave her a gentle kiss on her forehead, and said goodbye.

Please God, let this be an important next step on my road back!

Before my divorce, I had no earthly idea about co-dependance and would never have believed someone could be so in love with their ex that they would have such a hard time letting go. I have grown as a person SO much.

I know what I have to do now. Continue to focus on my job search & getting back into the field that I love. Truly let her go & keep all communication to a bare minimum except for our girls. I will continue to pickup/ drop off our girls at Grandma's & continue to find ways to minimize coming face-to-face with her. So, HM, I will pray for God to give me the strength to do all these things so I can move on. Hopefully I can stop thinking/ talking/ obsessing about her as well.

I will continue to check these boards until this Friday & then it's time to move on from posting here as well.


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## happyman64

*Re: Help! Divorced for 11 mos & still want reconciliation. Advice needed.*

Ex

I think saying goodbye was a necessary step for you. 

God will always be in our lives but it is up to you to make a conscious decision to improve your life.

What your wife did was not just a sin but she hurt you. And friends do not do that to each other.

Make a list.

A list of all the things you miss that you had during happier times.

The list should include those items that you want back in your life.

Then prioritize them.

Look at that list everyday. Dream about that list, obsess about that list the way you obsessed about your ex.

Realize that only you can make those accomplishments happen.

You did it once in your life and you need to do it again.

Consider it a new form of codependence. 

And Ex, if you need to leave TAM because it saddens you so be it. But there is also a lot of good people here that can help you understand your codependence and assist you in your education to beat it.

And lastly, close the door on your marriage. remember the good times. You will make new happy memories with someone else. I did even though I was very young. Age is not a requirement of love. Remember that.

Remember the bad times. Because they teach us valuable lessons that we can use in our new relationships. New relationships that are better because we are smarter, wiser and know what we truly desire in a mate.

I hope your ex gives you your space. She owes you at least that.

It is time for you to heal Ex. And when that new woman comes along that catches your eye, do not be shy.

Seize the moment!

HM64


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## ExisaWAW

*Re: Help! Divorced for 11 mos & still want reconciliation. Advice needed.*

As always, thanks HM. I'm so looking fwd to moving on with my life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happyman64

*Re: Help! Divorced for 11 mos & still want reconciliation. Advice needed.*



ExisaWAW said:


> As always, thanks HM. I'm so looking fwd to moving on with my life.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


And I am honestly looking forward to hearing about the improvements you will be making in your life.

Start today my friend.


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## Dedicated2Her

*Re: Help! Divorced for 11 mos & still want reconciliation. Advice needed.*



> As always, thanks HM. I'm so looking fwd to moving on with my life.


Stick around Ex. I've learned more after my divorce here than before.


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## ExisaWAW

*Re: Help! Divorced for 11 mos & still want reconciliation. Advice needed.*

Hm64 & Dedicated. I decided to make a few posts today & re-read the awesome posts in this thread from the both of you. I hope your Easter was a good one. As for me, I did something that I claimed I would not do... Something with my ex & our girls. I had been thinking about Easter Sunday and I asked my ex if she wanted to go with us to church. We were going to the church we used to attend as a family (not the one she refuses to attend that I had been going to). They just opened their new worship center that they had been saving up for 20 years to build. I also asked her if she would mind if I dropped the girls off late on Sat PM so she could get them
all dolled up Sun AM before church. I really didn't think it would be a big deal because she is much better getting them into their dresses, etc. shockingly, she refused, saying that she had a late evening planned with a friend. Wow, you mean she can't postpone 1 party day to help her girls on Easter Sunday.

I now completely understand why I shouldn't do anything w/ her & the family because its not good for my healing and it only helps her. I was a little surprised she said yes to going and she even recommended we go out go lunch afterwards. The day itself was magical. The church was amazing and one if the head pastors spotted us & came over and prayed with us for reconciliation if possible and for God's will in the end. I looked at her afterwards and she was tearing up a bit. This was a total surprise to both of us. This pastor has known my ex since she was 5 years old. 

I was emotional at times during the service because the sermon was great, I had my entire family at church, and I truly felt God's presence. Lunch was awesome as well. Our girls were on their best behavior and the time flew by. As I drove back from church, I asked my ex if I could stop by her house sometime over the next couple of weeks in order to teach our youngest learn to ride her bike without training wheels. To my surprise, she said no but I was welcomed to take her bike over to my apt complex to teach her there. Well, I have a two door sports car & told her I wouldn't be able to do that. Instead, I just asked her to spend some time with her or to have someone else teach her soon (that was odd). She's clearly setting up some boundaries. 

Well, yesterday I was reflecting on the great day we all had together and I sent her a text thanking her for attending with us & I invited her to join us 1-2 times a month at church. Well, she texted back that she didn't think that was a good idea. More boundaries. After thinking through this slight, I decided to finally take y'all's advice and stop all contact. I didn't respond to her text. I really really have to move on. Your advice is terrific. Now it's time to take it. The ball is in her court & I have to disappear from her. I will be pleasant if I have to interact about the girls over text but that's it. 

I have to get my life back on track and focusing on her is a lost cause. Y'all were right, she does not deserve my love. She has turned out to be a selfish, shallow woman who lacks basic compassion for anyone, including our girls. I may continue to pray for her salvation, but I'm even questioning if that's a good idea. 

Thanks for all your help & advice, it is greatly appreciated.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dedicated2Her

*Re: Help! Divorced for 11 mos & still want reconciliation. Advice needed.*

Ex, I'm glad you are starting to see things for what they are. Sometimes it takes us going through the situations to formulate that. My ex even asked me to go to lunch with her and the kids in between soccer games saturday. As much as I want to see my kids, I do not want to be around her.

One thing you will find with Waywards as they are away from you, is that typically they are very guilty.....being around them you get to experience first hand the lack of happiness. It isn't pleasant. At this point, the biggest gift you can give yourself is discovering who God created YOU to be. This is going to give you peace and happiness. Let me tell you what happens to a wayward when it turns out you are the happy one!!!! It wasn't supposed to be like that! Jealousy starts to creep in. 

Be happy, discover your passion inside for life! If she comes around down the road and changes to where you could love her again, ok. If not, ok. Do what you need to do, for you and for your kids.


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## happyman64

*Re: Help! Divorced for 11 mos & still want reconciliation. Advice needed.*

And I will add this Ex.

If your wife was sure about all her decisions and actions she has made in her life you would all be together, living in that big house and going to church together.

But she is not!

Now you see her for what she truly is. Beautiful on the outside (as viewed by the priest when he looked at that picture perfect family sitting in the pew together) and broken within unable to dress her girls for you or let you teach your youngest to ride a bike.

Just realize she truly does not care about anyone but herself. 

*SHe only values what she gets in life, not what she gives.....*

So my man are you ready? 

ARe you ready to get your life back together?

Are you ready to find that new job?

Are you ready to get out of that crappy apartment?

ARe you ready to find a woman who truly knows what love is? WHat honor is? 
What respect is?

I am not rich Ex. My wife and I struggle everyday to give our 3 daughters the best life and education we can.

I worked all day on Saturday with my BIL to make a few extra bucks. My wife and 3 daughters went to Easter Vigil at 8pm.

I was exhausted but I knew if I did not meet them at church (my oldest daughter came home from school just to spend Easter with us) they would be disappointed.

I made an effort to shower, shave and get to church right at 8pm.

I was at one end of the pew and my wife was at the other end with our 3 girls in between.

My wife was beaming that we were all together at church on Easter.

And that is why I went. I was happier giving than receiving. 

And my wife is too!

So my friend, as you heal, take a good look at your EXwife. 

Love her for who she used to be and remember her for who she is now.

She is not worthy of your love. She only takes, never gives.

Go find someone worthy of you.

I expect a monthly report Exisa.......

And Happy Easter by the way. When will you post that pic of your lovely kids on Easter????


----------



## lifeistooshort

*Re: Help! Divorced for 11 mos & still want reconciliation. Advice needed.*



ExisaWAW said:


> I'm new to this site & need help. My wife was a classic WAW who went through a MLC at 39 and had an affair. We have 2 girls (8&12) and when I caught her, she wanted a divorce. I never saw it coming. After the divorce, she dated like crazy and has been seeing the same guy for 8 mos now. I still hope for a miracle reconciliation. She really wants us to be friends and at times, I have acted that way towards her.
> 
> For much of the time after the divorce, I did everything wrong by pining over her and trying to get her back. During the marriage, we were very wealthy. I took a voluntary severance package a couple of weeks before I found out about her affair & I still haven't found work. She got a lot of money in the divorce & she doesn't work.
> 
> Ok, from everything I've read, I should do a 180, go dark (she'll hate this because she really wants me friendly), get another great job, and move on with my life.
> 
> Hopefully she will see the huge change and start wondering why I'm so disinterested. As for her relationship, that's tricky. He lives 1.5 hours away & he has 3 kids. He's crazy about my ex but this is her first serious relationship since the D, so I am praying that it runs it's course soon.
> 
> Is there anything else I should be doing to improve my chances? And, I'm a religious guy, so I've been praying everyday that God will lead her back to me.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Everything about this post screams "denial" to me. You had no idea the marriage was in trouble and still spend your days waiting for her to return. What more does she need to do or tell you? Would you prefer she just be nasty and tell you to f$#@ off? Maybe she just wanted out of the marriage but doesn't see the need to be nasty. But look at the reality here: She had an affair and when you found out she didn't even beg/minimize/promise to work on the marriage/etc, she just asked for a divorce. She's done with you. On some level she probably misses the family (thus the regret you thought you saw) but she doesn't miss you, at least she doesn't show any signs that she does. Are you sure your marriage was as good as you thought? Looking back the the famous 20/20 of hindsight are you sure there were absolutely no signs that she was unhappy? I'm not excusing her affair but when evaluating these things so YOU can move forward it's important to take a good look at the whole picture. If she were to come back wouldn't you want it to be because she missed YOU as opposed to the family or security, or because scripture told her she had to? As for the pining, begging, praying, etc you've done everything in your power to appear as weak as humanly possible to her and I promise you that's what she sees now. Take a good hard look at the good and bad times in your marriage and perhaps you'll see it wasn't as fantastic as you thought; heck, there's someone better for you out there. Even if you ultimately do R you can use this time to reflect and better yourself so you'll become a stronger man and partner. If you're a believer in God then you must accept that perhaps His plan for you doesn't include your ex wife, at least right now.


----------



## ExisaWAW

Thanks, man. Very well said. I really need to surrender to God and let Him guide me the rest of the way. I don't recognize her anymore. She's gone. 



Dedicated2Her said:


> Ex, I'm glad you are starting to see things for what they are. Sometimes it takes us going through the situations to formulate that. My ex even asked me to go to lunch with her and the kids in between soccer games saturday. As much as I want to see my kids, I do not want to be around her.
> 
> One thing you will find with Waywards as they are away from you, is that typically they are very guilty.....being around them you get to experience first hand the lack of happiness. It isn't pleasant. At this point, the biggest gift you can give yourself is discovering who God created YOU to be. This is going to give you peace and happiness. Let me tell you what happens to a wayward when it turns out you are the happy one!!!! It wasn't supposed to be like that! Jealousy starts to creep in.
> 
> Be happy, discover your passion inside for life! If she comes around down the road and changes to where you could love her again, ok. If not, ok. Do what you need to do, for you and for your kids.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ExisaWAW

HM, as usual, your words are awesome. You set a great example by making it to church. Yes, I am ready... Finally!

I'll report in monthly. 

God bless. 



happyman64 said:


> And I will add this Ex.
> 
> If your wife was sure about all her decisions and actions she has made in her life you would all be together, living in that big house and going to church together.
> 
> But she is not!
> 
> Now you see her for what she truly is. Beautiful on the outside (as viewed by the priest when he looked at that picture perfect family sitting in the pew together) and broken within unable to dress her girls for you or let you teach your youngest to ride a bike.
> 
> Just realize she truly does not care about anyone but herself.
> 
> *SHe only values what she gets in life, not what she gives.....*
> 
> So my man are you ready?
> 
> ARe you ready to get your life back together?
> 
> Are you ready to find that new job?
> 
> Are you ready to get out of that crappy apartment?
> 
> ARe you ready to find a woman who truly knows what love is? WHat honor is?
> What respect is?
> 
> I am not rich Ex. My wife and I struggle everyday to give our 3 daughters the best life and education we can.
> 
> I worked all day on Saturday with my BIL to make a few extra bucks. My wife and 3 daughters went to Easter Vigil at 8pm.
> 
> I was exhausted but I knew if I did not meet them at church (my oldest daughter came home from school just to spend Easter with us) they would be disappointed.
> 
> I made an effort to shower, shave and get to church right at 8pm.
> 
> I was at one end of the pew and my wife was at the other end with our 3 girls in between.
> 
> My wife was beaming that we were all together at church on Easter.
> 
> And that is why I went. I was happier giving than receiving.
> 
> And my wife is too!
> 
> So my friend, as you heal, take a good look at your EXwife.
> 
> Love her for who she used to be and remember her for who she is now.
> 
> She is not worthy of your love. She only takes, never gives.
> 
> Go find someone worthy of you.
> 
> I expect a monthly report Exisa.......
> 
> And Happy Easter by the way. When will you post that pic of your lovely kids on Easter????


_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ExisaWAW

You are correct. I am in denial. There's acceptance & denial and clearly I have not been accepting the obvious. As far as the state of our marriage. I was very happy. My ex had everything she ever dreamed if but was clearly still not "happy". Betraying your spouse & children is, in my view the worst thing you can do. I forgave her but I'll never forget it. It's the most selfish thing you can do & there's no excuse for it. 



lifeistooshort said:


> Everything about this post screams "denial" to me. You had no idea the marriage was in trouble and still spend your days waiting for her to return. What more does she need to do or tell you? Would you prefer she just be nasty and tell you to f$#@ off? Maybe she just wanted out of the marriage but doesn't see the need to be nasty. But look at the reality here: She had an affair and when you found out she didn't even beg/minimize/promise to work on the marriage/etc, she just asked for a divorce. She's done with you. On some level she probably misses the family (thus the regret you thought you saw) but she doesn't miss you, at least she doesn't show any signs that she does. Are you sure your marriage was as good as you thought? Looking back the the famous 20/20 of hindsight are you sure there were absolutely no signs that she was unhappy? I'm not excusing her affair but when evaluating these things so YOU can move forward it's important to take a good look at the whole picture. If she were to come back wouldn't you want it to be because she missed YOU as opposed to the family or security, or because scripture told her she had to? As for the pining, begging, praying, etc you've done everything in your power to appear as weak as humanly possible to her and I promise you that's what she sees now. Take a good hard look at the good and bad times in your marriage and perhaps you'll see it wasn't as fantastic as you thought; heck, there's someone better for you out there. Even if you ultimately do R you can use this time to reflect and better yourself so you'll become a stronger man and partner. If you're a believer in God then you must accept that perhaps His plan for you doesn't include your ex wife, at least right now.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## happyman64

*Re: Help! Divorced for 11 mos & still want reconciliation. Advice needed.*

Ex

You cannot deny where you are at this point in your life.

But you do not have to accept it.

I tell many on TAM that I believe in revenge.

I tell many on TAM that I believe in karma.

Revenge to me means having and living a better life than those that hurt me.

And karma is that those that hurt me feel consequences for their actions. Not to feel good that they are hurting but to pity them for their horrible decisions and lack of values.

Now start making your plans.

HM64


----------



## ExisaWAW

*Re: Help! Divorced for 11 mos & still want reconciliation. Advice needed.*



happyman64 said:


> When will you post that pic of your lovely kids on Easter????


----------



## happyman64

*Re: Help! Divorced for 11 mos & still want reconciliation. Advice needed.*

You have beautiful girls. 

Fortunately they look like you!


----------



## ExisaWAW

*Re: Help! Divorced for 11 mos & still want reconciliation. Advice needed.*



happyman64 said:


> You have beautiful girls.
> 
> Fortunately they look like you!


Thank you!

and, LMAO! Not sure how to take that. After learning about her affair, I did take a second look at their resemblance to me & even considered DNA testing.


----------



## happyman64

*Re: Help! Divorced for 11 mos & still want reconciliation. Advice needed.*



ExisaWAW said:


> Thank you!
> 
> and, LMAO! Not sure how to take that. After learning about her affair, I did take a second look at their resemblance to me & even considered DNA testing.


Sorry my bad.

I did not mean to imply they might not be yours but rather your wife will have to see your face in them everyday.


----------



## arbitrator

*Re: Help! Divorced for 11 mos & still want reconciliation. Advice needed.*

You deserve far better, Exisa! Just as I do in my situation!

And Happyman will always give you great counsel just as he's done for me! Just listen to the Man! He makes sense!


----------



## happyman64

*Re: Help! Divorced for 11 mos & still want reconciliation. Advice needed.*

So Exisa how are you doing?

Moving forward?

Making any plans for you???


----------



## ExisaWAW

*Re: Help! Divorced for 11 mos & still want reconciliation. Advice needed.*



happyman64 said:


> So Exisa how are you doing?
> 
> Moving forward?
> 
> Making any plans for you???


Thanks for checking in. Well, there's been a little drama with my ex MiL. She's in her 80's and some mild-mod dementia has been setting in. I visit her for a half hour or so on most days & lately I have seen a rapid decline with her cognitive abilities.

Naturally my ex sees her far less frequently than I do (and it's her Mom). She only stops by when she drops our girls off so she can run around town doing God knows what.

I let my SiL who lives out of state know what I was seeing with Mom & encouraged her to get with my ex and have a long sit down the next time she's in town to hammer out what's best for Mom. I'm thinking an assisted living facility would be appropriate. They have to take her car away & someone has to take over her finances. She's got 7 figures in checking/ savings/ investments & she is probably one random phone call away from giving it to some con artist. No doubt my ex will fight to get her to stay put so she has a place to dump our girls though.

Also, I just found out that my ex recently celebrated her 1 year anniversary with her BF. This is strange to me because we have only been divorced 1 year today. That means she started dating him before we were divorced....nice.

As for me, I'm hitting the job boards & reaching out to the recruiters. It's a slow process in my field with this tough economy. It will happen though. I just have to be persistent. 

I've been doing better at GAL'ing but that's going slow. I know what to do, it's just actually doing it that's taking some time.

A couple more things: This past Sat, my youngest had her annual school carnival. It was my x's weekend with them so I hadn't planned on attending. But, my 8 year old asked me to go (I've gone the past 6 years & it was always a family event). I went & ended up volunteering at a booth for an hour because they were short-staffed. My ex walked up to me (along with her WAS GF) and said "Hi! Fancy seeing you here!" in an overly friendly tone. It was obvious to me she wanted to continue to treat me as if nothing has happened between us and be all buddy-buddy. Well, for the first time, I just glanced at her and said "oh, hi" ... and walked right by her. I peeked back a few seconds later & she was literally frozen in her tracks. She's not used to me being so nonchalant. I was pleasant but made it clear I was not there for her. I saw both of my girls running around & they were thrilled to see me.

The school always has a silent auction to raise money. I looked around the tables & this year nothing caught my eye except for a $100 gift card to a men's clothing store. Well wouldn't you know it, my x bid on it. It shouldn't have affected me but it did. She never did anything like that for me (heck, I used to bid on half the stuff there if it was a SPA package or anything I thought my wife would like). Clearly it was for her BF. I know I shouldn't look at it this way but I was thinking, heck in a way I am paying for this guys gift-card (as all her $ is what she got in the settlement). So, like a moron, I bid on it too & walked away. Every time I checked back, my x had bid it up again. We did this all day. I'm sure all our former friends got a chuckle out of this. At one point I looked back at the table from afar & saw my ex crack up, look around for me (I assume), & she bid again. I couldn't handle it anymore & I bid the full $100 just to prevent her from giving it to her BF. Childish? Probably.

The other thing that happened was equally strange. On Sunday, I went to church, as usual. I texted my 12 year old in the morning to say hello, telling her I was heading to church, & telling her I would call her later in the day.

Well, after the service, I was walking in the lobby and who do I see walking right up to me??? My ex & my girls!!! This was the FIRST time in 12 months since our D that she's taken them to church (praise God). Talk about a bizarre, surreal experience for me though. Just one day earlier, I barely acknowledged her so as she walked up to me, she was far more tentative with her greeting. She looked at me awkwardly and murmured "hi". I was still reeling from seeing my family at church without me along side of them. I said hi back & commented that her dress was very beautiful (it was) and that the girls looked nice. She said thanks. The girls both hugged me. I wonder what's going through their minds. It had to have been tough for them to.

With that, I said goodbye & walked right past them. It felt even weirder than Sat. I realize all divorced ppl go thru this but it was super weird for me. I learned from my MiL later that my ex mentioned she saw me at church and "I didn't talk to her". OK, whatever.

Baby steps...


----------



## happyman64

*Re: Help! Divorced for 11 mos & still want reconciliation. Advice needed.*



ExisaWAW said:


> Thanks for checking in. Well, there's been a little drama with my ex MiL. She's in her 80's and some mild-mod dementia has been setting in. I visit her for a half hour or so on most days & lately I have seen a rapid decline with her cognitive abilities.
> 
> Naturally my ex sees her far less frequently than I do (and it's her Mom). She only stops by when she drops our girls off so she can run around town doing God knows what.
> 
> I let my SiL who lives out of state know what I was seeing with Mom & encouraged her to get with my ex and have a long sit down the next time she's in town to hammer out what's best for Mom. I'm thinking an assisted living facility would be appropriate. They have to take her car away & someone has to take over her finances. She's got 7 figures in checking/ savings/ investments & she is probably one random phone call away from giving it to some con artist. No doubt my ex will fight to get her to stay put so she has a place to dump our girls though.
> 
> Also, I just found out that my ex recently celebrated her 1 year anniversary with her BF. This is strange to me because we have only been divorced 1 year today. That means she started dating him before we were divorced....nice.
> 
> As for me, I'm hitting the job boards & reaching out to the recruiters. It's a slow process in my field with this tough economy. It will happen though. I just have to be persistent.
> 
> I've been doing better at GAL'ing but that's going slow. I know what to do, it's just actually doing it that's taking some time.
> 
> A couple more things: This past Sat, my youngest had her annual school carnival. It was my x's weekend with them so I hadn't planned on attending. But, my 8 year old asked me to go (I've gone the past 6 years & it was always a family event). I went & ended up volunteering at a booth for an hour because they were short-staffed. My ex walked up to me (along with her WAS GF) and said "Hi! Fancy seeing you here!" in an overly friendly tone. It was obvious to me she wanted to continue to treat me as if nothing has happened between us and be all buddy-buddy. Well, for the first time, I just glanced at her and said "oh, hi" ... and walked right by her. I peeked back a few seconds later & she was literally frozen in her tracks. She's not used to me being so nonchalant. I was pleasant but made it clear I was not there for her. I saw both of my girls running around & they were thrilled to see me.
> 
> The school always has a silent auction to raise money. I looked around the tables & this year nothing caught my eye except for a $100 gift card to a men's clothing store. Well wouldn't you know it, my x bid on it. It shouldn't have affected me but it did. She never did anything like that for me (heck, I used to bid on half the stuff there if it was a SPA package or anything I thought my wife would like). Clearly it was for her BF. I know I shouldn't look at it this way but I was thinking, heck in a way I am paying for this guys gift-card (as all her $ is what she got in the settlement). So, like a moron, I bid on it too & walked away. Every time I checked back, my x had bid it up again. We did this all day. I'm sure all our former friends got a chuckle out of this. At one point I looked back at the table from afar & saw my ex crack up, look around for me (I assume), & she bid again. I couldn't handle it anymore & I bid the full $100 just to prevent her from giving it to her BF. Childish? Probably.
> 
> The other thing that happened was equally strange. On Sunday, I went to church, as usual. I texted my 12 year old in the morning to say hello, telling her I was heading to church, & telling her I would call her later in the day.
> 
> Well, after the service, I was walking in the lobby and who do I see walking right up to me??? My ex & my girls!!! This was the FIRST time in 12 months since our D that she's taken them to church (praise God). Talk about a bizarre, surreal experience for me though. Just one day earlier, I barely acknowledged her so as she walked up to me, she was far more tentative with her greeting. She looked at me awkwardly and murmured "hi". I was still reeling from seeing my family at church without me along side of them. I said hi back & commented that her dress was very beautiful (it was) and that the girls looked nice. She said thanks. The girls both hugged me. I wonder what's going through their minds. It had to have been tough for them to.
> 
> With that, I said goodbye & walked right past them. It felt even weirder than Sat. I realize all divorced ppl go thru this but it was super weird for me. I learned from my MiL later that my ex mentioned she saw me at church and "I didn't talk to her". OK, whatever.
> 
> Baby steps...


Great baby steps. The right baby steps. I wish you took them a year ago or two years ago!!!

Keep it up for you.

And just the fact that she mentioned it to her Mom means she got the message.

She can no longer count on you. Why? Because true friends do not screw over true friends. Especially spouses.

Now go make some new ones and get that job.

Keep in touch.

HM64


----------



## hope4family

*Re: Help! Divorced for 11 mos & still want reconciliation. Advice needed.*

ex - i'm guilty of it. I have stopped doing it as well. Stop complimenting her. She doesn't deserve it, it's just an outer shell. The person inside is full of dead mans bones. Move on my friend. 

Finally, I am a Christian. She walked away, but that doesn't mean you walk away from your kids. Tell them that you love them, and stay strong.

If you are serious about helping yourself move on. Synthetic gave me some material that helped me through it all. 



synthetic said:


> Follow this list to the T and you should be 10 times the man you feel like right now within a few weeks. Don't backtrack. It'll only make the process more painful. (As a bonus, you might see your wife do a complete 180 and come back begging, but that's not really what you should be doing these things for)
> 
> *Synthetic's 10 Commandments*:
> 
> 1. Read this link - *Just Let Them Go*
> 
> 2. Follow the following rules: *The 180 degree rules*
> 
> 3. Read this book in the next 24 hours: https://7chan.org/lit/src/Robert_Glo...r_Nice_Guy.pdf
> 
> 4. Separate all finances and stop supporting her 'single' lifestyle
> 
> 5. Book a counseling appointment ASAP
> 
> 6. Doesn't matter how you do it, but *sweat the pain of anxiety out*. Treadmills are your best friend. Use them. This is very important: You need to physically feel spent before you hit bed every night.
> 
> 7. Think a lot, read a lot, and cry as needed - This particular link should be open in your browser at all times and read multiple times: DO YOU LOVE TO BE NEEDED, OR NEED TO BE LOVED?
> 
> 8. Find your social worth by socializing with as many people as possible (females work better). Spend times with friends, but don't just settle for your circle of friends. This is the best time to make new ones and feel attractive/attracted. You're not looking for sex or a relationship. You're looking for natural human attraction between you and others.
> 
> 9. Do whatever it takes to go on a trip that involves a long flight, preferably to a country where English or your first language is not spoken
> 
> 10. Start living an 'overly' fun life without feeling any guilt. This is the hardest task ahead. It's important to wash the guilt out of yourself once you have realized where it originates from via all the reading and counseling you've done.


Good luck man, betrayal hurts. But remember life is a journey, you are in the process of sanctification. Now go out and overcome evil with good.


----------



## ExisaWAW

*Re: Help! Divorced for 11 mos & still want reconciliation. Advice needed.*

Thanks HM64 & Hope4family! I'm proud of myself for showing her by my actions that I am moving on & treating her differently (appropriately so). Hope4fam, I've read that thread but thanks for reminding me of the info on page 1. I have printed it out. I never read NMMNG but started it last night. I will hopefully finish it today. 

I am making progress but this will take time.

Quick story. When I put my 8 year old to bed last night, I stayed up w/ my 12 year old to chat with her. She had been having some challenges with some cliques of girls at school & my ex & I committed to one another that we would have talks with her to ask about issues she's dealing with & to give her our support. Well, it's probably no surprise to anyone whose read my thread that my ex has not had a single conversation with our daughter yet. She shared some things that had been stressing her out at school, how she handled it, & where the issues currently stand. I let her know my view on these issues, encouraged her to keep positive & to do her best, & I thanked her for sharing these things with me (& I encouraged her to keep up the open communication with me).


One of her issues was created by her lying to a friend after a sleepover. Apparently my D changed her mind about hanging out w/ her friend the day after the sleepover. Instead of being honest with her friend, she made up a story (a lie) that she had to do something with her cousin & couldn't hang out with her. I asked her why she lied & how she thought up that story. Well, she said that her MOM helped her concoct the story. Unbelievable. Encouraging your daughter to lie to her friend. Well, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive. 

As it turned out, my D ended up running into her friend at the school carnival. Her friend was not amused having caught my D in a lie. My D was at the carnival with another schoolgirl friend & clearly was not w/ her imaginary cousin. 

I explained the importance of telling the truth & we ended up reviewing a children's version of the 10 Commandments (Thou shall not lie). As we reviewed all of them, we came to "Honor your wedding vows & be faithful & keep your marriage commitments". She paused me & asked, is that the one Mommy broke? Wow! I handled if the best I could. I tried to keep my reply somewhere between G rated & PG rated. Way back 1.5 years ago when she was 10, she wanted to know why it looked like we were getting a D. I explained to her that "mommy kissed a boy and that when you get married, you make a promise to only kiss your husband/ wife." This time, I simply asked her what she thought about what Mommy did. She teared up & couldn't really answer me. I hugged her, told her I loved her, & said she could talk to me about it anytime if she wanted to. 

It's unbelievable the carnage that adultery does to a family. Who knows how this will affect our girls longer term. Such a selfish act on so many levels.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## happyman64

*Re: Help! Divorced for 11 mos & still want reconciliation. Advice needed.*



> It's unbelievable the carnage that adultery does to a family. Who knows how this will affect our girls longer term. Such a selfish act on so many levels.


Yes the fallout from a divorce is horrible. Especially from the children.

But your actions now and in the future can curtail the damage. 

And by being proactive with your kids as well as being an example of how a good person lives there life and overcomes these trials in life; well you assure them of a great chance to be healthy, well adjusted adults.

On a side note your wife continues to show you just mentally and morally challenged she is.

Wow, what a Mom. She helps her Daughter concoct lies.

You handled the situation well......

HM64


----------



## Mr Blunt

*Re: Help! Divorced for 11 mos & still want reconciliation. Advice needed.*

Exisa
You seem to be making some progress in getting your wife out of your mind and emotions. I hope that you keep making progress in that area as you have a long ways to go. Do not be mean but no more compliments from you to your wife. No more trying to get her together with you for any reason and no conversation unless it is absolutely necessary. I maybe wrong but you seemed just a tad bit of a beggar for her affections in the past. If that is true then STOP that will reduce your self respect. Your wife already does not respect you so you do things to build up your respect for yourself.


*I would like to encourage you to make yourself concentrate only on you, your God, your children, and job. Every time you allow your ex wife to interfere with your concentrating, the less progress you will make and she may even put you back several steps*.


Your marriage is over and is completely dead and your ex-wife should aslo be dead to you. You can get a LOT better by having a better relationship with God and your children. I see that you and your children are connecting very well. In the years to come your children will be even more of a blessing to you and will be the only thing that matters from your marriage.

Even though you are in pain you have a very bright future. You have your children that will become even closer to you because they will continue to see that you are the only father that really loves them more than any other. You are spiritually free from your marriage and you have no fault in your wife’s betrayal.

You also have the advantage that you are willing to seek help. Get as many helps as you can and filter their advice through God’s word.


----------



## happyman64

*Re: Help! Divorced for 11 mos & still want reconciliation. Advice needed.*

:iagree:

Wise words Mr Blunt


----------



## Mr Blunt

*Re: Help! Divorced for 11 mos & still want reconciliation. Advice needed.*

Thank you Happyman

there are lots of wise words on this thread including yours. Now the trick is for the OP to follow them. The OP seems to be improving but may still be just a little soft in some ways. 

Hope I am wrong.


----------



## hope4family

*Re: Help! Divorced for 11 mos & still want reconciliation. Advice needed.*



Mr Blunt said:


> Thank you Happyman
> 
> there are lots of wise words on this thread including yours. Now the trick is for the OP to follow them. The OP seems to be improving but may still be just a little soft in some ways.
> 
> Hope I am wrong.


Give him time, its a process.


----------



## ExisaWAW

*Re: Help! Divorced for 11 mos & still want reconciliation. Advice needed.*

Thanks Mr Blunt (appropriate handle, btw) & H4F. It's a process for sure.

Ok, here's a completely random post that has nothing to do with my sitch really, just a proud papa bragging on his little girl. This video was taken 2+ years ago when my D was 10. She had never sang before in our presence, much less on a stage. I think it's great, but that's me. It's the Ella Fitzgerald version, btw. Enjoy.

Ovr the Rainbow.mp4 - YouTube

This is what life is all about. It's a shame I probably won't be sharing these proud moments along side my ex in the future. I'll still be proud of my little girls though, of course.

Divorce sucks. I can remember the pride I felt & the love I had for my ex & our family when I turned to my ex after her song ended. We were both in tears & I remember hugging her & telling her that I loved her.

Here's a few words from the song for all of us to think about:

"Some day I'll wish upon a star and wake up where the clouds are far behind me
Where troubles melt like lemon drops away above the chimney tops
That's where you'll find me"

I may change my ringtone on my phone to this for awhile.


----------



## Mr Blunt

*Re: Help! Divorced for 11 mos & still want reconciliation. Advice needed.*



> Originally Posted by Mr Blunt
> Thank you Happyman
> 
> there are lots of wise words on this thread including yours. Now the trick is for the OP to follow them. The OP seems to be improving but may still be just a little soft in some ways.
> 
> Hope I am wrong.
> *By H4F*
> Give him time, its a process.


*He can take all the time he wants but that will just draw out the pain and maybe pass up an opportunity for him to gain some respect and gain in other areas.*


It has been over a year since she has given herself to another man and been divorced and he is still somewhat adsorbed by his wife. She is history and the sooner he forgets her and concentrates on himself and his children the better he and his children will be. By him still being somewhat concerned over his ex-wife he is hurting himself. That is why I said the below in my earlier post to him.



> *I would like to encourage you to make yourself concentrate only on you, your God, your children, and job. Every time you allow your ex wife to interfere with your concentrating, the less progress you will make and she may even put you back several steps*.


I came to the conclusion that he is still concerned with her by his words below:



> *Quotes of Exisa*
> After the divorce, she dated like crazy and has been seeing the same guy for 8 mos now. I still hope for a miracle reconciliation. She really wants us to be friends and at times, I have acted that way towards her.
> 
> Is there anything else I should be doing to improve my chances? And, I'm a religious guy, so I've been praying everyday that God will lead her back to me.
> 
> I said hi back & commented that her dress was very beautiful
> 
> Also, I just found out that my ex recently celebrated her 1 year anniversary with her BF. This is strange to me because we have only been divorced 1 year today. That means she started dating him before we were divorced....nice.


I am blunt with my advice but I do have empathy for Exisa as he seems like a very good man. However, I think that Exisa will need more than my empathy to get a lot better. By being still concerned and interested in his wife he is beating a dead horse. *This world is hard and infidelity is very hard. With infidelity you need to face hard realities and take bold actions. He is wasting his time with being friendly, nice, and spending thoughts and energy on his ex-wife, she is GONE! Get tough, face realities, and take bold actions or you will be picking at your emotional scab and get more bleeding for your damaged emotions.*

Exisa
Your daughter’s singing was touching. Her angelic face is so sweet! I want to encourage you to help her weather this crises, get stronger, and develop into a sweet strong woman. She is an innocent child and so deserves to be helped with this tragedy in her life. *I think that you will be the best parent to help your children. Millions of fathers and daughters have been successful and so can you and your angelic daughter.*
Blunt


----------



## ExisaWAW

*Re: Help! Divorced for 11 mos & still want reconciliation. Advice needed.*

Mr. Blunt.

I'm going to be "blunt-like" in my reply to you. Thank you. I know what I MUST do. Everything you (& HM64) have suggested makes complete sense.

I am headed toward acceptance & I am moving away from denial. I would like to be going the speed limit of 65 mph. Unfortunately, at times, I am only able to go 5 mph. 

Also, thank you for your kind comments about my daughter.


----------



## happyman64

*Re: Help! Divorced for 11 mos & still want reconciliation. Advice needed.*

Ex

Nice video. And your is beautiful and sings beautifully.

I played her video for my 11 and 13 year old girls. They loved it.

Press on my friend. 5mph is better than zero in my book.

Press on.

HM64


----------



## ExisaWAW

*Re: Help! Divorced for 11 mos & still want reconciliation. Advice needed.*



Mr Blunt said:


> ...but may still be just a little soft in some ways.
> 
> Hope I am wrong.


No, you are correct. I have been soft. I'm getting better though. I had an epiphany today.

Here's the deal. A few things clicked. 

#1, I read through the Coping With Infidelity forum here & all I can say is Wow! These guys are far more blunt than Mr. Blunt. Thank God I never posted there or I'd have been chewed up & spit out. Tough love really. Made me look at myself in a whole new light. "Soft" is putting it mildly. Apparently I have to check my pants to see if I still have a pair! One of the threads suggested one poster go to the drugstore & buy two rubber balls until he was able to get two of his own! That one struck a nerve. 

I know I'm a catch. I worked hard. Went from nothing to a millionaire by the time I was 45. I provided for my family. I was devoted Christian. I was an excellent & faithful husband & was/ am an incredible father to my girls. I did EVERYTHING for my X & put her on a pedestal throughout our marriage (big mistake). My xW is trash for what she did to us and doesn't deserve me. I guess I'm finally getting that.:slap:

#2, I need to snap the hell out of it & get my career back/ get a job! If I'm being honest, I haven't worked on this as hard as I could have since all this happened. I spent too much time feeling sorry for myself & all that "happened to me". I'm tired of playing the role of victim! 

#3, I finished reading NMMNG. Geesh, was I doing all the wrong things...

#4, I learned that my x's BF was over my x's last night having dinner with my girls! Why I didn't realize this kind of thing was/ would be happening eventually is beyond me. This guy was there yucking it up with my my girls like he was their Dad. My oldest told me she dropped her iPhone & shattered the back & he had already ordered the part to fix it. 

And, my oldest told me how much she was looking forward to attending his company picnic with him on Saturday. issed: 

So what kind of man do I want to look like to my girls? A sad, broken shadow of my former self, living in a crappy apartment instead of our 7,000 sqft mansion on acreage with the $100,000 swimming pool? Or the confident, smiling father who took on all challenges that life had to offer and more often than not, overcame them with ease? 

I'm finally at the point where I realize that reconciliation is a pipe dream. I guess at some level I would I like it, but my x would have to beg for me back and change her act completely. I realize now that's NEVER gonna happen! I was played. I was a sucker. She got all she wanted from me & cast me aside like yesterday's garbage. It's up to me if I want to play the role of garbage or wake up.

GAL: I'm going out to jog later (yes, I'm an extremely healthy 48 year old who looks 10 years younger, so don't worry, I won't collapse dead after a 10th of a mile. I was jogging 6 miles a day for a warm-up before my work-outs a year ago). Btw, I haven't admitted it here yet but the girl I sometimes see is 21 (not Ms. Right but perfectly fine for a Ms. Right-now).

I'm strongly considering asking the Mods to move my thread to the Coping With Infidelity area because reconciliation should be the FARTHEST thing from my mind right now!

I haven't felt this good in a LONG time!!!! Watch out world! I feel like Fast Eddie Felson in The Color of Money.... I'm BACK!!!

Fast Eddie's Last Break: Paul Newman (1925-2008) - YouTube!


----------



## happyman64

*Re: Help! Divorced for 11 mos & still want reconciliation. Advice needed.*

Exisa

Great post.

All I will say is this.

The only thing you need to fight for and protect are your girls.

Your wife and her BF should mean nothing. They are just playing he game of "replacement".

Replacing you!

Do not let them win. You have the brains, the brawn and the connections to be successful again.

But mot importantly you have everything you need o be apply right in your head and your heart.

Now go slay the giants and claim God's rewards.

And the pool and house are really yours. But more importantly so are your daughters. 

Never let them forget it.....

HM64


----------



## ExisaWAW

*Re: Help! Divorced for 11 mos & still want reconciliation. Advice needed.*



happyman64 said:


> Your wife and her BF should mean nothing.


They don't!


----------



## ExisaWAW

*Re: Help! Divorced for 11 mos & still want reconciliation. Advice needed.*



happyman64 said:


> And the pool and house are really yours.


..It was sold months ago, so she doesn't live there, thank God. And, they are just "things". They never defined me, but I get your point.

Thanks, HM64


----------



## Mr Blunt

*Re: Help! Divorced for 11 mos & still want reconciliation. Advice needed.*

Exisa

It is easy for OM to play Santa Claus right now and impress your young children.

*However, in time your children will realize that this Santa Claus did not respect their dad or God and helped your wife betray thier whole family.*

You will win in time, the problem for you is that it may be years before you see that your doing the right thing will payoff.

No man can replace a good father you just have to keep doing the right thing, be patient, persevere, and have faith.

*Right now it is you, God, and your children; anyone that gets your eyes off of that is a detriment to your progress.*


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## ExisaWAW

Mr Blunt said:


> Exisa
> 
> It is easy for OM to play Santa Claus right now and impress your young children.
> 
> *However, in time your children will realize that this Santa Claus did not respect their dad or God and helped your wife betray thier whole family.*


Just so we're clear, he was not the original guy I caught her with. She went through quite a few before meeting this guy. However, we weren't technically divorced when they started dating, so maybe your point is still valid.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Mr Blunt

*Re: Help! Divorced for 11 mos & still want reconciliation. Advice needed.*



> By Exisa
> I know I'm a catch. I worked hard. Went from nothing to a millionaire by the time I was 45. I provided for my family. I was devoted Christian. I was an excellent & faithful husband & was/ am an incredible father to my girls. I did EVERYTHING for my X & put her on a pedestal throughout our marriage (big mistake). My xW is trash for what she did to us and doesn't deserve me. I guess I'm finally getting that


Exisa
First I want to congratulate you for having some moxy and admitting that you are a good catch. From your posts you are right on and you now seem to be healthier emotionally. 
However, by what you wrote above and in this thread your wife is very selfish and has even chosen her selfish desires over her children. You on the other hand are presented as a very good person and by far the best parent.

*I will admit that I have wondered a time or two as to why your wife would leave you; a man that is good and a very good provider and father.* Of course you do not have to tell us the reasons that your wife left you but it seems strange to me. As I have said in an earlier post I think you may be a little soft but that is no where near a reason to betray a whole family like your wife did.


I have seen betrayals when there was a 60%-40% problem; 60% problems with the WS and 40% for the BS. I have seen some betrays that were even a little more lopsided. However, in your case it appears that your wife has 95% problems and you have 5%. That is very rare and frankly I do not remember any one with that much of a lopsided relationship.

I know I may upset you but I am Mr. Blunt so here are my questions.

*Have you only presented your wife’s bad points and kept yours silent?*

*Why would a sane woman leave a guy like you?*

I know that you do noy have to answer but the way you have described your situation it seems very very rare.




Finally I want to say how much I think you are really thinking straight with your statement below.



> *It's up to me if I want to play the role of garbage or wake up.*



Very wise, very wise indeed!


----------



## ExisaWAW

*Re: Help! Divorced for 11 mos & still want reconciliation. Advice needed.*

Mr. Blunt, I'm far from perfect. But as regular of a guy as you'll ever meet. My ex used to tell me I had two sides, goofy or super serious. I'm a Gemini, so that's probably not too far off. What I haven't told you was that I was a bit of a workaholic. I'm not sure about this 60/40 or 95/5 stuff, but what I haven't told u about my x is that when I met her she was in her mid 20's and her parents still supported her. Her Mom & Dad had her very late in life (her mom was 43, I believe). You could say that she was a surprise. Her Sister is over 20 years older. 

Essentially, they raised her like a Grandchild & spoiled her rotten. She never wanted for anything. She shopped at Nordstrom & Neimann Marcus, her parents bought her a Camaro for her 16th birthday, etc., etc. She was an actress when I met her. She wasn't famous but mainly did commercials and an episode or two on some TV shows. Her parents bought her a house as well. When I got engaged to her, her Father finally stopped paying all her bills. Apparently it was my turn. She never learned the value of money. I wasn't wealthy when we married (I was 34) but I had enough to keep her in Bon Bons. So, in retrospect, I should have realized I could never keep her happy. 

So, from your perspective (and most others) she'd be a fool to leave a solid guy like me. But you have to understand that even though she was only in her mid 20's, she had only been with a few guys. She had nothing to compare me too, really. None of the guys she dated before me had much to offer her (especially financially). So, the rest as they say, is history. We got married, started a family, and I ended up being in the top 2% of income earners. Then, 6 years ago, we moved into a community of multi-millionaires and she went nuts! 

These people made me look like a pauper. She was mesmerized. She started hanging out with wives of the über rich & quickly devalued what we had. She would frequently talk about a new boat, car, or some other thing that our neighbors had bought. I would respond something like "gosh our stuff must suck to you". Yes, she would get mad at me. This happened frequently. The person she originally cheated on me with was a world famous physician. He was using her, of course. 

Some of her "desparate housewife" friends had been married several times, all to wealthy men. They ended up with lots of cash in their middle age because of profiting from their divorces. I honestly believe that she saw her chance to kick me to the curb, take the kids & the money, & run. She could call all the shots & find a new victim. Most of the guys she dated after the doctor were very wealthy. One was one of the top guys at a major defense company, on & on. However, these guys turned out to be successful on the outside but losers on the inside. One was an alcoholic, another was physically abusive. Aww, she learned the grass was not as green as she thought. 

But then... Success! Her current BF seems like a steady guy. He's a mid manager at a major defense contractor (actually works for one of her previous conquests, nice). He is 10 years older than she, divorced with 3 kids, and, interestingly enough his second wife cheated on him! Oh the irony! People tell me he looks & reminds them of me (interesting). So, she quickly sampled what was out there and ended up finding a guy like me who makes about 65% of what I made. But then again she now has $700k from the D. Well played. 

That's the story. I became boring to her, plain & simple.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ExisaWAW

*Re: Help! Divorced for 11 mos & still want reconciliation. Advice needed.*

Just realized I didn't answer your questions directly, Mr. Blunt. As for Q1, I dunno, I guess I was too serious for her at times & she wanted a multi-millionaire's lifestyle. 

As for Q2, you are assuming she is sane. Lol. Gosh, I dunno, my guess is her narcassism ran its course. After awhile, no matter how much you put them on a pedestal, they become bored & devalue their host and seek out other sources for their egos. I've also been told that she fits the classic MLCer. She was turning 40 & wanted to see what else was out there. She had the ability to leave the marriage with more money than most people see in a lifetime & she went for it. If I'm being honest, I think she should pack lightly for the afterlife because it's gonna be warm.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Mr Blunt

*Re: Help! Divorced for 11 mos & still want reconciliation. Advice needed.*



> Have you only presented your wife’s bad points and kept yours silent?
> 
> Reply by Exsisa
> My ex used to tell me I had two sides, goofy or super serious. I'm a Gemini, so that's probably not too far off. What I haven't told you was that I was a bit of a workaholic.
> I guess I was too serious for her at times & she wanted a multi-millionaire's lifestyle.


That being the case then your wife is a foolish woman as your bad points are not even close to being reason enough to do what your wife did.





> *Why would a sane woman leave a guy like you?*
> *Reply by Exisa*I dunno, my guess is her narcassism ran its course. After awhile, no matter how much you put them on a pedestal, they become bored & devalue their host and seek out other sources for their egos. I've also been told that she fits the classic MLCer. She was turning 40 & wanted to see what else was out there. She had the ability to leave the marriage with more money than most people see in a lifetime & she went for it. If I'm being honest, I think she should pack lightly for the afterlife because it's gonna be warm.



With what she has to offer what good smart man would want her? The Doc gave you one answer; he used her then he dumped her. Your wife can change as there is plenty of hope with true Christianity; however, you are in no way to take her back. She has crossed the point of no return for you. Of course you can do it anyway because you have free will choice. 

At this time your wife maybe attractive on the outside but she is rather repulsive in her thinking and actions. She only has a few more years with her looks to trap some poor soul. He will have to be rather dull to go for a divorced woman that betrayed her family and is so sold out to the elite lifestyle. *It is obvious that she somewhat traded in part of her children for riches.* That is not very attractive!



> Finally I want to say how much I think you are really thinking straight with your statement below.Quote:
> *Reply by Exsisa*
> *It's up to me if I want to play the role of garbage or wake up*.
> 
> Very wise, very wise indeed!



Exsisa, I do hope that you do everything to get over her; you are too good of a man to let this hurt you for the rest of your life. *You have plenty life left and there can be a whole lot of good left for you.*


----------



## happyman64

*Re: Help! Divorced for 11 mos & still want reconciliation. Advice needed.*



ExisaWAW said:


> Just realized I didn't answer your questions directly, Mr. Blunt. As for Q1, I dunno, I guess I was too serious for her at times & she wanted a multi-millionaire's lifestyle.
> 
> As for Q2, you are assuming she is sane. Lol. Gosh, I dunno, my guess is her narcassism ran its course. After awhile, no matter how much you put them on a pedestal, they become bored & devalue their host and seek out other sources for their egos. I've also been told that she fits the classic MLCer. She was turning 40 & wanted to see what else was out there. She had the ability to leave the marriage with more money than most people see in a lifetime & she went for it. If I'm being honest, I think she should pack lightly for the afterlife because it's gonna be warm.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I love the warm part Exisa. Your humor is showing. 

A very good sign!

I have a question.

Does her current BF know your Ex cheated on you???


----------



## Dedicated2Her

*Re: Help! Divorced for 11 mos & still want reconciliation. Advice needed.*

Exisa--- Coming from somewhat similar circumstances, I'll give you some insight. The one thing that has driven me through becoming who I am today is the thought of providing "the example" for my kids. 

Way too many people are near sighted when it comes to these things. Yes, your kids might enjoy the BF's attention for the time being. I mean, who wouldn't? It's new and exciting. However, understand what is paramount here. It is paramount that you become and live out what type of person you want your children to be. Don't tell them. Just do it. One day, they will choose who they want to be. At first, they could choose another path, but trust God that eventually they will become secure in their identity in Christ.

The one lesson in this, and it's a big one, is to become so secure in your life. (who you are, what you were created to be, how much you are loved because you are exactly what your creator desired for you) See, when you get there, it doesn't matter one iota what your ex does, who she sees, how she lives. Your kids will see through that. 

You have to get rid of your anger towards your wife. STOP. It is bleeding out in your posts. Until you get rid of that, it is going to be hard for you to find peace.

And I don't agree that reconciliation is a lost cause, however, it would take years and tons of growth from her. Very much a long shot because you don't want to ever put yourself in that position of being in a relationship with someone so selfish. However, I've seen some pretty cool stuff happen over time. BUT, it shouldn't even be a thought in your mind.


----------



## ExisaWAW

*Re: Help! Divorced for 11 mos & still want reconciliation. Advice needed.*



Mr Blunt said:


> That being the case then your wife is a foolish woman as your bad points are not even close to being reason enough to do what your wife did.


That's what I've always thought.



> At this time your wife maybe attractive on the outside but she is rather repulsive in her thinking and actions. She only has a few more years with her looks to trap some poor soul. He will have to be rather dull to go for a divorced woman that betrayed her family and is so sold out to the elite lifestyle. *It is obvious that she somewhat traded in part of her children for riches.* That is not very attractive!


I agree completely. However, she presents herself as a adorable fashionista w/o a care in the world! Very few people know the truth about what she did & I'm sure she's created plenty of stories to make her decision look valid in the eyes of her friends, etc.

Her current BF has NO CLUE he's dating a cheater. I'm not sure if it matters to him because from what I have been told, he cheated on wife #1 (wife #2 cheated on him). And, at 50 he's got this hot, 40 year old trophy GF to show off to all his friends (and she has lots of $$).



> Exsisa, I do hope that you do everything to get over her; you are too good of a man to let this hurt you for the rest of your life. *You have plenty life left and there can be a whole lot of good left for you.*


Thanks man. That's the plan for me moving fwd.


----------



## ExisaWAW

*Re: Help! Divorced for 11 mos & still want reconciliation. Advice needed.*



happyman64 said:


> Does her current BF know your Ex cheated on you???


Not a clue. God only knows what fantasy she's told the guy. He works near where we live but he lives over an hour away & has a completely different social circle. I'm sure this benefits my ex greatly because the chance of his learning the truth about her is slim to none.


----------



## ExisaWAW

*Re: Help! Divorced for 11 mos & still want reconciliation. Advice needed.*



Dedicated2Her said:


> Exisa--- Coming from somewhat similar circumstances, I'll give you some insight. The one thing that has driven me through becoming who I am today is the thought of providing "the example" for my kids.
> 
> Way too many people are near sighted when it comes to these things. Yes, your kids might enjoy the BF's attention for the time being. I mean, who wouldn't? It's new and exciting. However, understand what is paramount here. It is paramount that you become and live out what type of person you want your children to be. Don't tell them. Just do it. One day, they will choose who they want to be. At first, they could choose another path, but trust God that eventually they will become secure in their identity in Christ.
> 
> The one lesson in this, and it's a big one, is to become so secure in your life. (who you are, what you were created to be, how much you are loved because you are exactly what your creator desired for you) See, when you get there, it doesn't matter one iota what your ex does, who she sees, how she lives. Your kids will see through that.


Awesome counsel. That's exactly what I was thinking & what catapulted me into my current mindset! 



> You have to get rid of your anger towards your wife. STOP. It is bleeding out in your posts. Until you get rid of that, it is going to be hard for you to find peace.


I hear you. Trust me, my anger is fading into indifference (the opposite of love). As you may know, anger & love are closely linked. Indifference on the other hand, is the opposite of love. My cutting ALL contact with her these past several days has been amazing. In the past, not texting/ talking/ seeing her was difficult. For some reason this time it actually feels good.

I have received nearly a dozen texts from her. It's obvious to her that I'm not texting her back on purpose & she's livid!!! Remember, she is a narc. The vitriol from a narc who is not getting the attention they crave is something to behold. She has called me every name in the book for cutting contact with her. She knows that she can FYI text me any logistical thing about our girls. None of these texts require any response from me.

And, if I have anything to share with her, I can text my 12 year old & she can relay it to her. I understand it's not optimal to put a child "in the middle", so to speak, but simple messages like when/ where I'm going to pick them up for visitation can absolutely be communicated to my oldest, IMO.



> [reconciliation] shouldn't even be a thought in your mind.


It no longer is, thank God! Her perspective on life, her values, & her attitudes on the best way to raise our children would have to change SO much, it would definitely take some time. God has to do so much work in her, it may take years.

In the meantime, I will focus on God, me & our girls.


----------



## Dedicated2Her

*Re: Help! Divorced for 11 mos & still want reconciliation. Advice needed.*



> I have received nearly a dozen texts from her. It's obvious to her that I'm not texting her back on purpose & she's livid!!! Remember, she is a narc. The vitriol from a narc who is not getting the attention they crave is something to behold. She has called me every name in the book for cutting contact with her. She knows that she can FYI text me any logistical thing about our girls. None of these texts require any response from me.
> 
> And, if I have anything to share with her, I can text my 12 year old & she can relay it to her. I understand it's not optimal to put a child "in the middle", so to speak, but simple messages like when/ where I'm going to pick them up for visitation can absolutely be communicated to my oldest, IMO


Well, I was once at this place. However, one of the main cogs to who I am as a person and what I teach my kids is "always treat others how you want to be treated." If my ex texts me something in regards to logistics with kids, she gets a "thank you" or "thanks for letting me know". It's just simply saying, "I got your text and confirming the information". 

The point is you can display to your ex that she no longer has power over you. You are going to be who you say you are, regardless.....and that, my friend, is sweet redemption.


----------



## happyman64

*Re: Help! Divorced for 11 mos & still want reconciliation. Advice needed.*



> My cutting ALL contact with her these past several days has been amazing. In the past, not texting/ talking/ seeing her was difficult. For some reason this time it actually feels good.
> 
> I have received nearly a dozen texts from her. It's obvious to her that I'm not texting her back on purpose & she's livid!!! Remember, she is a narc.


Now you are learning Exisa.

It is not to hurt her but to give you control as well as the space to heal.

And she is a narcissist. I am glad you see that.

The key now is to take your new direction and gain momentum to doing new things in your life that make you happy.

Keep going forward.

HM64

PS
Do you find it interesting that she cheated on you, divorced you, took her "fair" share of your life, had you at her beck and call and now that you have severed the relationship which happens in Divorce, she is now trying to reel you back in.

Absolutely amazing.

Glad you are finally letting her go. Now she needs to do the same. 

Your WAW is a very selfish woman.


----------



## ExisaWAW

*Re: Help! Divorced for 11 mos & still want reconciliation. Advice needed.*



Dedicated2Her said:


> Well, I was once at this place. However, one of the main cogs to who I am as a person and what I teach my kids is "always treat others how you want to be treated." If my ex texts me something in regards to logistics with kids, she gets a "thank you" or "thanks for letting me know". It's just simply saying, "I got your text and confirming the information".
> 
> The point is you can display to your ex that she no longer has power over you. You are going to be who you say you are, regardless.....and that, my friend, is sweet redemption.


Great point D2H. Eventually I will of course respond to her in a curt, yet respectful way. At this point however, she needs to REALLY GET that I'm finally done.

One of her texts asked me what in the world could she have done to make me ignore her like this? Really? I mean really? She just doesn't get it. She once made me promise her I would no longer bring up her affair. Like an idiot, I said okay. I figured what was the point at that stage anyway? It's not like it would change anything.

What I find interesting is that my buddy is going through a sitch where his stbx is wanting reconciliation but only on her terms. No mentioning her affair. Just get back together like it never happened. Thank God for him he's not going for it.

I truly think my ex has so justified her affair in her mind because she wasn't "happy" in the marriage (my fault, apparently) that she just thinks we should go on as good buddies & I should be there for her whenever it suits her (on her terms, of course).

Rude awakening time. Yes, I will be "blamed" for doing this. Again, her texts called me every name in the book. She claimed that all the encouragement & continued love & kindness that I was showing her must all be BS & that I must have had some ulterior motive to treat her so kindly. More narcissism. I must, in her mind, "want something from her". 

She is so delusional at this point that it would take her to hit absolute rock bottom to ever look back at our life and truly regret her actions. I can no longer wait for that. God has big plans for my life. Whether or not they include my ex is a mystery. That's why it's finally time for me to Trust God & move on with my life.


----------



## Dedicated2Her

*Re: Help! Divorced for 11 mos & still want reconciliation. Advice needed.*



> I can no longer wait for that.


You should never wait for that. You are called to let her go and not to be in bondage.



> What I find interesting is that my buddy is going through a sitch where his stbx is wanting reconciliation but only on her terms. No mentioning her affair. Just get back together like it never happened. Thank God for him he's not going for it.


Pride has no place in a wayward returning to seek reconciliation. There must be a verbalization of wrongdoing. Brokenness, sweetness, tenderness....true Godly sorrow must exist in the wayward for it to work.


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## happyman64

*Re: Help! Divorced for 11 mos & still want reconciliation. Advice needed.*



Dedicated2Her said:


> You should never wait for that. You are called to let her go and not to be in bondage.
> 
> 
> 
> Pride has no place in a wayward returning to seek reconciliation. There must be a verbalization of wrongdoing. Brokenness, sweetness, tenderness....*true Godly sorrow must exist in the wayward for it to work.*


I agree with the above. But the reason it needs to be discussed by both spouses and the BS needs to retain control of the R with open two-way communication is because the BS is offer Reconciliation. It is a gift.

And the WS needs to recognize that it is a gift that is being offered by the BS.

By never bringing up the affair is a form of rug sweeping. The key is to deal with it and in time it can be a distant sad memory with many happy memories to put in front of it.


----------



## Mr Blunt

*Re: Help! Divorced for 11 mos & still want reconciliation. Advice needed.*



> God has big plans for my life. Whether or not they include my ex is a mystery.


One thing is for certain, you are not to take your ex-wife back as a spouse

Deuteronomy 24:4 
Then her former husband, who sent her away, *may not take her again to be his wife,* after she has been defiled, for that is an abomination before the Lord. And you shall not bring sin upon the land that the Lord your God is giving you for an inheritance


If you become successful with having a better relationship with your children, God, and yourself; your ex-wife will be a factor in your life about equal to a school mate you had in Junior high that was a distant friend. *How often do you think of that junior high friend? What significance does that friend have?*


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## happyman64

*Re: Help! Divorced for 11 mos & still want reconciliation. Advice needed.*

I do not think Exisa's exwife could ever be worthy of his love again.

I honestly think she does not have it within her.

JMO.


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## ExisaWAW

*Re: Help! Divorced for 11 mos & still want reconciliation. Advice needed.*

Wow Mr. Blunt, reconciliation w/ my ex is truly the furthest thing from my mind! That's in God's hands now. I'm not familiar with that particular verse or it's context. I'm not even interested in researching it. Too many other things to focus on. My pastor is praying for reconciliation along with God to change my exes heart. I'm going to let that go as well. It's just no longer something that occupies my mind anymore...finally.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ExisaWAW

happyman64 said:


> I do not think Exisa's exwife could ever be worthy of his love again.
> 
> I honestly think she does not have it within her.
> 
> JMO.


Finally, my fog is lifting. God is healing me. He is telling me it's time to see her for who she has become. And no, sadly, she is no longer worthy of my love. Whether or not she changes will be up to her & God's plan for her. I can't/ won't sit around & I realize now that God wants me to have a wonderful, abundant life. I will focus my time & energy on getting a job that was as close to what I did before I accepted the severance package.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happyman64

*Re: Help! Divorced for 11 mos & still want reconciliation. Advice needed.*



ExisaWAW said:


> Finally, my fog is lifting. God is healing me. He is telling me it's time to see her for who she has become. And no, sadly, she is no longer worthy of my love. Whether or not she changes will be up to her & God's plan for her. I can't/ won't sit around & I realize now that God wants me to have a wonderful, abundant life. I will focus my time & energy on getting a job that was as close to what I did before I accepted the severance package.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That sounds like the beginning of a great plan.

Call it Step. 2.


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## legiox

I could never see myself going back to my WAW.


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## Mr Blunt

> Finally, my fog is lifting. God is healing me. He is telling me it's time to see her for who she has become. And no, sadly, she is no longer worthy of my love. Whether or not she changes will be up to her & God's plan for her. *I can't/ won't sit around & I realize now that God wants me to have a wonderful, abundant life*. I will focus my time & energy on getting a job that was as close to what I did before I accepted the severance package.


Exisa
You sound a LOT better than when you first posted. Think that you are on your way to a much better life!
1.	Hebrews 11:6 
But without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is, and that He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him.


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## cledus_snow

wow, i just caught this thread. you're right..... you would've been torn to pieces on the CWI board. but you know what? it would've woken your ass up. you were played like a fiddle, my friend.

your wife is such a fake-ass person, it's totally beyond me how she believes her own BS. then again, you say she displays narcissistic characteristics. you definitely sound like the typical "nice guy." she saw that and pounced on it. that's why you never had a chance at recovering your marriage. women smell weakness a mile away- not very attractive these days.

anyway, your marriage is a done deal, so you need to move on. you need to detach from such a toxic person, plain and simple. make it clear to her that you're only being cordial for the sake of the children and that you only want what's best for _them_. 

remember that even Jesus got upset at times, or don't you recall the scene at the temple where he turned over tables because of his disgust at the greed being displayed there.


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## warlock07

I really like the progress you made over the last month. If it is anger that motivates you, so be it. 

Can I ask you something. How come she made so much in the divorce ?


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## ExisaWAW

warlock07 said:


> I really like the progress you made over the last month. If it is anger that motivates you, so be it.
> 
> Can I ask you something. How come she made so much in the divorce ?


Wow, I'm not sure I want to pollute my thread with those sordid details. The despicable things she (her lawyer) did during the legal wrangling is yet another reason I should never have spoke to her again. I'll PM you. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## warlock07

Unless it might get you into legal trouble, you might want considering posting it here. Some others might use your experience.

P.S: I hate women like your wife and the women she hangs out with. Gold diggers who contribute nothing to soceity


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## warlock07

ExisaWAW said:


> Wow, I'm not sure I want to pollute my thread with those sordid details. The despicable things she (her lawyer) did during the legal wrangling is yet another reason I should never have spoke to her again. I'll PM you.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Wow...What a vile piece of human scum your wife is. Absolutely entitled and not a speck of integrity.



> That's it man. My friends who know those details can't understand why I ever talked to her again. I'm beginning to see their point. She is evil.


Considering your posts earlier in the thread, I am surprised too. Why did it take you so long to hate her ? 

What changes have you made until now ? I think you also need some individual counseling. The changes you made need to last or you are at risk doing the same mistakes again. 

When do you plan to start dating again ?


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## ExisaWAW

warlock07 said:


> Wow...What a vile piece of human scum your wife is. Absolutely entitled and not a speck of integrity.
> 
> Considering your posts earlier in the thread, I am surprised too. Why did it take you so long to hate her ?
> 
> What changes have you made until now ? I think you also need some individual counseling. The changes you made need to last or you are at risk doing the same mistakes again.
> 
> When do you plan to start dating again ?


I was in one heck of a fog. I don't think I hate her. I pity her. I actually pray for her that God does whatever is needed in her so she sees what she did was wrong & repents. 

I've made a ton of changes. Mainly I don't trust people like I used to. It has to be earned now. I'm more skeptical. 

I have received counseling on & off. I feel some are better than others. Gosh, there's no way I'm making those mistakes again! I don't plan on putting myself into a vulnerable situation. I seriously doubt I'll ever be married again. Don't need to take that chance. I have dated here & there but nothing serious. I know not all women are evil but I'm just not willing to take that chance. 

I really thought I knew my xW! I slept in the same bed as her, knew all (most) of her secrets, and she was my best friend (so I thought) for 14 years. I was obviously taken for a ride. Interestingly, many of her friends who sided w/ me in the D told me they thought she was a gold digger too, lol. 

I just need to keep focused on the better life that awaits me. I'm going to put the past in the past. Learn from it? Sure. Make the same mistakes? Heck no!

I did get two beautiful girls out of the deal. That's a real positive. I also hold my head pretty high knowing how much I loved & provided for her & our girls. It's unfortunate that she turned out so evil. I'm sure if I would have married a better woman that she would have really appreciated her blessed life & we would have been incredibly happy. That wasn't God's plan for me. I have hope that a better life awaits though.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mr Blunt

> By Exisa
> I'm sure if I would have married a better woman that she would have really appreciated her blessed life & we would have been incredibly happy. *That wasn't God's plan for me*. I have hope that a better life awaits though.


Exisa
Maybe I am not reading your above post correctly but I am going to comment and you can tell me if I am off track.

Your post indicates that God did not want you to be “incredibly happy” in your married life. That also indicates that God is responsible and controls how your marriage turns out. 


*Questions:*
1	Do you think that God’s main purpose for you is to make you “incredibly happy” in your marriage?

2	Are you one of those people that thinks that God overrules human self will?

3	Did God choose your wife for you to marry or did you?

4	It was your wife’s free will that went against God’s teachings, right?

I believe it is wise to pray to God to guide you in your selection of a spouse. I also believe that it is wise to read the Bible and see what is important in selecting a spouse. *However, any spouse that is selected can use their free will to go against God*

I have seen people that think that God is responsible for our free will choices. The danger of that is that when things go badly some people will scapegoat God and it alters their relationship and faith in a negative way.

I am not trying to put you down. You are making such good progress but if I am correct then you may wind up having your faith affected in a negative way.

Like I said, I am be reading your post wrong so set me straight if that is the case


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## Jellybeans

Why would you even want her back? She did nothing to try to repair the damage she caused, wasn't remorseful/contrite and has been with another man for almost a year now. 

It's not like she told you how sorry she was and that she wanted your marriage and stopped cheating.


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## happyman64

ExisaWAW said:


> I was in one heck of a fog. I don't think I hate her. I pity her. I actually pray for her that God does whatever is needed in her so she sees what she did was wrong & repents.
> 
> I've made a ton of changes. Mainly I don't trust people like I used to. It has to be earned now. I'm more skeptical.
> 
> I have received counseling on & off. I feel some are better than others. Gosh, there's no way I'm making those mistakes again! I don't plan on putting myself into a vulnerable situation. I seriously doubt I'll ever be married again. Don't need to take that chance. I have dated here & there but nothing serious. I know not all women are evil but I'm just not willing to take that chance.
> 
> I really thought I knew my xW! I slept in the same bed as her, knew all (most) of her secrets, and she was my best friend (so I thought) for 14 years. I was obviously taken for a ride. Interestingly, many of her friends who sided w/ me in the D told me they thought she was a gold digger too, lol.
> 
> I just need to keep focused on the better life that awaits me. I'm going to put the past in the past. Learn from it? Sure. Make the same mistakes? Heck no!
> 
> I did get two beautiful girls out of the deal. That's a real positive. I also hold my head pretty high knowing how much I loved & provided for her & our girls. It's unfortunate that she turned out so evil. I'm sure if I would have married a better woman that she would have really appreciated her blessed life & we would have been incredibly happy. That wasn't God's plan for me. I have hope that a better life awaits though.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Exisa

Stay focused on the future. Take time now to build yourself back up. 

I agree with you that hating your Ex is a waste of your time and emotions. Put her in the corner of your life behind you where she belongs.

But I also will add one more suggestion.

Do not forsake marriage again. The key is finding the right woman. And with all your past experience I think you will be much more successful the 2nd time around in marriage.

But the key is fixing you. Focusing on your future and your beautiful daughters. For now.

I look forward to hearing about your future progress.

HM64


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## ExisaWAW

Mr Blunt said:


> 1	Do you think that God’s *main purpose* for you is to make you “incredibly happy” in *your marriage?*


Of course not. That would be silly.



Mr Blunt said:


> 2	Are you one of those people that thinks that God overrules human self will?


Oh, so now I'm one of "those people", huh!? (just kidding, lmao)

Actually, at a philosophical level, this has always intrigued me. At one level I realize God gives us free will, but OTOH, He knows exactly how things will end. Know what I mean? It's like I know I have free will, but once I choose, He says "I knew you would do/ choose that!"



Mr Blunt said:


> 3	Did God choose your wife for you to marry or did you?


I did (but He knew that I was going to choose her, right?).



Mr Blunt said:


> 4	It was your wife’s free will that went against God’s teachings, right?


Of course it was.



Mr Blunt said:


> The danger of that is that when things go badly some people will scapegoat God and it alters their relationship and faith in a negative way.


I blame God for nothing. Never have. Never will. *She* went against His will. I don't blame Him for that. It was her free will & her mistake.

Another mystery to us believers is why God "allows" *bad* things to happen (like my xW's adultery & the carnage that followed). I believe we just have to have Faith that God has a better plan for us and move on.

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11 NIV



Mr Blunt said:


> ...you may wind up having your faith affected in a negative way.


Naa, I'm good. And, God is good... ALL the time!


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## ExisaWAW

Jellybeans said:


> *Why would you even want her back?* She did nothing to try to repair the damage she caused, wasn't remorseful/contrite and has been with another man for almost a year now.
> 
> It's not like she told you how sorry she was and that she wanted your marriage and stopped cheating.


Hi JB, thanks for your post. I don't want her back anymore. Early on, I thought I did. God has healed me & the fog has finally lifted where I now see her for who she really is.


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## BW1

ExisaWAW said:


> Hi JB, thanks for your post. I don't want her back anymore. Early on, I thought I did. God has healed me & the fog has finally lifted where I now see her for who she really is.


Good for you! It's nice to hear stories of good healing. I am in the same boat, waiting for the fog to clear.


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## Mr Blunt

> Actually, at a philosophical level, this has always intrigued me. At one level I realize God gives us free will, but OTOH, He knows exactly how things will end. Know what I mean? It's like I know I have free will, but once I choose, He says "I knew you would do/ choose that!"
> 
> Originally Posted by Mr Blunt
> 3 Did God choose your wife for you to marry or did you?
> *Reply by Exisa*I did (but He knew that I was going to choose her, right?).


Sure He knew you were going to choose her. He also knew that Eve was going to sin and cause a world of hurts including having to have His son Jesus brutally butched on the cross. However, God did not take away free will did He?

*The fact that He knew you would use your free will to choose your wife has nothing to do with him being responsible*.




> Originally Posted by Mr Blunt
> The danger of that is that when things go badly some people will scapegoat God and it alters their relationship and faith in a negative way.
> 
> 
> Exisa
> I blame God for nothing. Never have. Never will. She went against His will. I don't blame Him for that. It was her free will & her mistake.
> 
> *Great statement Exisa!*






> Another mystery to us believers is why God "allows" bad things to happen (like my xW's adultery & the carnage that followed


*In order for God to have NOT allowed your xW’s adulrtry He would have had to take away her free will.*



> I believe we just have to have Faith that God has a better plan for us and move on.


*Another great statement!*


"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11 NIV
*Great scripture for this discussion!*


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## ExisaWAW

happyman64 said:


> But I also will add one more suggestion.
> 
> Do not forsake marriage again. The key is finding the right woman. And with all your past experience I think you will be much more successful the 2nd time around in marriage.


This will be tough but I'll leave myself open to the possibility. God did not want Man to be alone, so he created Women. I don't see how it's a sin to stay single. Perhaps my mindset will change over time but as I type this, I haven't forsaken marriage per se, just my faith in my ability to pick the right woman. 

You're probably right, I would be much better at selecting a spouse than I was back at 33. What bugs me is that I waited until I was older to get married for that exact reason. My parents were divorced & I never wanted that for me or my future children so I dated around, sowed my wild oats & was patient. I kissed many a frog until I met who I thought was my princess. 

I was still wrong. 

People CAN change. My xW was the sweetest, kindest, most thoughtful girl (young woman) I had ever met by far. And she turned into a selfish, narcissistic cheater without any concern for our family or our children. A really don't think she was always that way & I just missed something. In the immortal words of Forest Gump, "Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what your gonna get." 

My current philosophy is to live your life as close to God's word as you can, expect the best but don't be too surprised when things don't always go your way. Pick yourself up when you fall & realize God is with you every step of the way.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## maincourse99

*Re: Help! Divorced for 11 mos & still want reconciliation. Advice needed.*

Deuteronomy 24:4 
Then her former husband, who sent her away, *may not take her again to be his wife,* after she has been defiled, for that is an abomination before the Lord. And you shall not bring sin upon the land that the Lord your God is giving you for an inheritance



This is a verse from the Mosaic Law that is no longer binding on Christians. The law was abolished when Jesus sacrificed his life. Are you still performing all the animal sacrifices the law commanded?


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## ExisaWAW

Thanks Maincourse. I was going to ask my pastor about that verse today. The operative words for me were a husband who sent his wife away. I did not, so I didn't think it applied to my sitch. In any event, I think it's clear in the Bible that taking my ex back is up to me. I do not have to in cases of adultery but I could if I was so inclined. And, I must forgive her only if she seeks it. And she really hasn't in my belief. 

My mindset is the same as I've said previously. Focus on my God, my girls, & getting back into my field. Thanks for your post.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ExisaWAW

HELP!! Major update! I'm thinking about starting another thread but if I keep this here, at least folks will understand my background.

Here goes: Yesterday I was returning from traffic court (yes, I got into a fender- bender a month ago & it was my fault, darn it. The good news is I hired a lawyer to assist me because moving violations are a death nail to a background check in my job search because of the company car I would receive.) and I received the most bizarre text from my ex! 

Remember, I have been sticking to NC with her for a couple of weeks now & I know it must be driving her bananas. As a reminder, she's a narcassist and I have been essentially pining over her my entire 13 yrs of marriage, the year courtship before, & even for the majority of the year we've been divorced. 

Before I get to her BAT [email protected] CRAZY text, a little more background is probably helpful. Her current state of mind over the past several weeks: She has been extremely stressed out studying for taking her real estate exam. She has a job lined up in a tiny office where her BFF is the sole agent (remember, she hasnt worked fulltime in 10 yrs). As a reminder, her BFF also cheated on her husband but her xH threw her to the curb & never looked back (this guy is my hero). She has two girls the same age as our girls. 

Ok, remember that I had been encouraging her, helping her study, etc. etc. but elected to finally dedicate myself to NC & move on w/ my life after my oldest daughter was all excited about a dinner visit from my xW's BF, was looking fwd to going w/ him to his work picnic, etc., etc. Enough was enough. I had to refocus on getting back a high-paying job & no longer let my cheating xW & the emotional fallout I have been experiencing throughout keep me from the great life God wants for me. And, I don't want my girls to see me as a sad, unemployed shadow of the former confident, strong Dad they've always known. 

Phew, that's a lot of background before getting to the point of her out of the blue crazy text! Here's a little more before I get to the point: Through conversations with her Mom & Sister over the past couple of weeks, I have learned that my xW is understandably highly stressed over her real estate exam (she failed her practice tests & only passed the national portion when she took the official exam last wk, adding to her stress. She is scheduled to retake the state part this week). She hasn't worked full-time in over 10 yrs & never really enjoyed hard work. 

And, she has been uncharacteristically focused on trying to figure out why I all of a sudden stopped pining over her, helping her, etc. and went into strict NC. This REALLY drives a narcassist who I have SPOILED throughout our entire relationship NUTS!! You may recall that during NC she texted me wanting to know what in the world she could have done to bring about my "weird" behavior. Um, the only thing weird about my behavior is that I didn't kick her to the curb immediately after she cheated, showed no remorse for destroying our family, gutted me financially during the D, and refuses to self-reflect, admit wrong-doing, repent, and truly apologize. 

Ok, here goes. In her lengthy text, she states confidently that she is 100% sure that I have been reading her text messages from her phone and that it is a federal & state felony crime, punishable by prison time!!! She goes on ranting about why would I put myself through the torture of reading her personal information & that this invasion of her privacy has to stop. She said she didn't want to put the father of her children in prison but said it had to stop. She went on to say no wonder I have "experienced wild mood swings" recently & that this explains it. 

Oh dear Lord the cheese has slid off her cracker!!!

Way back when we were married & I was gathering information about her affair from her phone (it was in my name, btw), I hooked it up to our computer & used a software program to pull some sexting messages off her phone. But that phone is now my oldest daughter's phone & she bought a completely different phone that I have zero access to. 

She's NUTS!!!

I suppose she has been wracking her narcissistic pea brain trying to come up with why I would finally not care about her life anymore. But wait, there's more...!

Mother's Day came & went without a peep from me. No card. No call. No text. Nuthin'. As it should be tho, right? Again, you have to understand the PRODUCTION her highness is used to. In the past she would get expensive gifts, we'd go to an expensive brunch, flowers, everything. I remember back to last year, one month after our D was final came MDay. I gave her a sweet card, wrote a two paged heartfelt note, telling her how much I missed being her H & reminiscing over past Mom's days. She sent me a text thanking me for spoiling her so much over the years and admitting that I always made her feel special on MDay & that she was having "an emotional day" by herself. Boo-hoo. She wanted the D. There are consequences to the decisions we make in life. 

So, I was feeling good after court because after 30 days of ticketless driving, the charge will be dismissed & cleared from my record. After reading her text, I became quite angry. I was planning on stopping over my MiL's to share the good news about court. And my SiL is in from out of state. Remember, they both are disappointed in my xW & what she did & we get along very well. 

So, I stopped over, fuming about the text & shared it with them. My SiL stated that she knew it was coming & that my xW had told her about her "discovery" about my having access to her texts & she had planned on warning me so I would stop & not get into trouble. Oh boy! I told her all of this was BS and then I layed into my xW. I must admit that I went over the top a bit. I reminded her that her Sister was a cheater who couldn't keep her pants up & that she ruined a beautiful family & put our girls future in jeopardy because of her selfishness & evil. I was quite animated. We were all crying. I then stated that it was necessary for me to no longer communicate with them so I could heal & move on. The elephant in the room is always my xW. Even though I ask them not to bring her up, she & her life end up creeping into the conversation at some point. 

I kissed my MiL goodbye, told her I loved her, & headed for my car. My SiL walked me out, begging me to reconsider. She told me how much she loved me, that she knows her Sister did a very bad thing, but wanted to keep in contact with me & that we were always so close & she considers me her Brother & dear friend. I love her like a Sister too. I told her that maybe someday years from now when I have completely moved on & all this is far behind me, that I may call her one day & maybe we could be friends. For now though, keeping in contact with my xW's family was not a good idea (a counselor had even suggested it to me awhile back).

I also told her that I will be opening up my job search to other states. I don't like they idea of only seeing my girls a couple of times a year, but getting my career back on track is priority one. 

There you have it. My longest post ever. Advice welcomed. I have been praying for a sign to show me what direction to take & boy was it answered. Stay the heck away from my xW. Cut ALL ties & cut her out of my life completely & don't look back.


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## weightlifter

Cut all ties to her family? scratch head.

Uh certainly wouldnt give them anything that would help your wife against you but facebooking on occasion? 

shrug.

Then again if you move, distance will take care of it for you.

Also agree with several posts above.

WHEN you are ready. date. You will likely eventually find Mrs Exisa v 2.0 and TAM has certainly made you better at setting boundaries. This place is harsh. It makes you much much much stronger.

It hurt so bad because the other end, love feels so good. Look at it this way. 10+ years of good 1.5 of bad.

Think on this. When you date, in 6 mos, a year or whatever... Think how intensely wonderful that first sex after mutual "I love you"s have been exchanged...


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## ExisaWAW

weightlifter said:


> Cut all ties to her family? scratch head.
> 
> Uh certainly wouldnt give them anything that would help your wife against you but facebooking on occasion?
> 
> shrug.
> 
> Then again if you move, distance will take care of it for you.
> 
> Also agree with several posts above.
> 
> WHEN you are ready. date. You will likely eventually find Mrs Exisa v 2.0 and TAM has certainly made you better at setting boundaries. This place is harsh. It makes you much much much stronger.
> 
> It hurt so bad because the other end, love feels so good. Look at it this way. 10+ years of good 1.5 of bad.
> 
> Think on this. When you date, in 6 mos, a year or whatever... Think how intensely wonderful that first sex after mutual "I love you"s have been exchanged...


Thanks weightlifter. I don't like the idea of cutting all ties but I feel it's needed for now. #1 for my healing, #2 to demonstrate to the x that I'm really done w/ her. She will probably like it because she felt ashamed that I saw her Mom more than she did. I was there for her on many occasions when my x was to busy to be bothered. Now she won't have the added shame of her xH being a better Son than she is a daughter. 

I may FB, call, etc at some much later point.

And, I'm with you on one day getting into another relationship. I'm sort of open to it. People are different. Some are immediately healed once the dopamine is released after a new "love" interest comes along. For me, I'm more cautious. I don't fall head over heals. My logical side dominates at the start of a relationship. Obviously I've let my emotional side rule at the end though, kinda weird.

Anyway, thanks for your post!


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## happyman64

Exisa

Congratulations.

Step 2. Complete. 



> I kissed my MiL goodbye, told her I loved her, & headed for my car. My SiL walked me out, begging me to reconsider. She told me how much she loved me, that she knows her Sister did a very bad thing, but wanted to keep in contact with me & that we were always so close & she considers me her Brother & dear friend. I love her like a Sister too. I told her that maybe someday years from now when I have completely moved on & all this is far behind me, that I may call her one day & maybe we could be friends. For now though, keeping in contact with my xW's family was not a good idea (a counselor had even suggested it to me awhile back).


You just outlined Step 3.

I could not agree with you more. But keep the future open with them.

After you have healed. After you have obtained the job that will ensure your happiness and success.

I have other ideas about your kids that I will share with you later.

You are spot on.

Keep moving forward.....

HM64

PS
Your wife is crazy too! But that is her problem not yours.


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## Paradise

You don't need drama from this so backing away from the MIL and SIL may be a good idea but not sure why you need to banish them from your life since it looks like you have a good relationship with them. You just need to understand that blood is thicker than water and they will most likely at some point side with the ex. 

As for moving out of state....Man, I couldn't do it. I would work 5 jobs just to be near my kiddo. But, to each their own. I know this economy it is tough to find a job but I would try very hard. 

You need to quit worrying about the ex. If the threats are BS then document them and move on. I remember how it was to get those type of texts but eventually she will quit.


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## toonaive

From my experience, as i am sure with others here. One of the best decisions I made during my divorce process, was cutting ties with the in-laws. Doing so will really help you move on. You are starting a new chapter in your life, and the only ties you have to your last chapter, are your children. Keep it simple that way.


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## hope4family

ExisaWAW - I think you are making great progress.

My in-laws apparently really liked me too. However, I had to go the extra mile to politely put them "in the place of where reality is." 

I still see them. If not for me, they never will get the chance to see their grandson. I want my son to know his grandparents. This is my choice, I feel no obligation in it. 

However, I am on my own on raising my son for the most part. No point in completely burning down a bridge. Regardless of my feeling towards my in-laws daughter.


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## ExisaWAW

Paradise said:


> You don't need drama from this so backing away from the MIL and SIL may be a good idea but not sure why you need to banish them from your life since it looks like you have a good relationship with them. You just need to understand that blood is thicker than water and they will most likely at some point side with the ex.
> 
> As for moving out of state....Man, I couldn't do it. I would work 5 jobs just to be near my kiddo. But, to each their own. I know this economy it is tough to find a job but I would try very hard.
> 
> You need to quit worrying about the ex. If the threats are BS then document them and move on. I remember how it was to get those type of texts but eventually she will quit.


Thanks Paradise. Yeah, I really have bonded with my MiL (I call her Mom) & my SiL. But for the foreseeable future, I feel better with strict NC for now. Maybe someday, way in the future. 

I totally get that about blood/ water so nothing would surprise me, but they have made it clear to me what they think of my xW's cheating, etc. Yes they love the sinner but hate the sin.

As for moving out of state. It's definitely not my first choice, but getting a similarly paying job is. I want to be able to afford CS & have a life too. And, I have to somehow earn back the $700k I lost in the D. It's not optimal, but in 6 yrs for my oldest & 10 for my youngest, they'll have graduated & we can have a whole different relationship if they want.

As for worrying about the ex. Gosh, I hope it doesn't look like I'm "worrying" about her. Like it or not, I'm going to have to interact at some level with her for a lot more years. Getting help with the crazy stuff she does is what I like best about this site. I'm not worried, focused, or otherwise interested in her anymore...finally. I'm just looking for help in how to interact with her when I have to, but keep it to my terms. 

Now, she didn't come right out & threaten me, but I will document this wild, false accusation. I guess it could be considered slander. Hopefully she will give me space & stop all this.


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## ExisaWAW

Thanks toonaive & H4F. I guess I won't go out of my way to avoid my MiL when I'm with my girls, because after all, it's their grandma & I'm not sure how long she'll be around. 

So, I get your point H4F. I'm not contacting her when I'm not with the girls though. If I find they are getting to see her regularly when they're with my ex, I probably won't go over there with them much at all. My ex dumps them off there so often, I'm sure they won't miss her.

And, from what I gather she may soon be in an assisted living facility soon anyhow.


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## hope4family

ExisaWAW said:


> Thanks toonaive & H4F. I guess I won't go out of my way to avoid my MiL when I'm with my girls, because after all, it's their grandma & I'm not sure how long she'll be around.
> 
> *So, I get your point H4F. I'm not contacting her when I'm not with the girls though. If I find they are getting to see her regularly when they're with my ex, I probably won't go over there with them much at all. My ex dumps them off there so often, I'm sure they won't miss her.*
> 
> And, from what I gather she may soon be in an assisted living facility soon anyhow.


Difference between you and me. 

If not for me, they would not get to see their grandson at all. That's a key difference in my way of thinking. Plus, they really haven't done anything to offend me other then begging me to try to get their daughter back.


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## ExisaWAW

hope4family said:


> Difference between you and me.
> 
> If not for me, they would not get to see their grandson at all. That's a key difference in my way of thinking. Plus, they really haven't done anything to offend me other then begging me to try to get their daughter back.


I totally get it. My MiL & SiL would love for us to get back together but they know that my x is not interested so they don't ask me to pursue her (heck, they see the pursuing-type behavior from me not working anyway).

The only encouragement they used to provide is asking me to be patient with her, friendly, and saying "you never know what may happen in the future, especially if she ends up breaking up with him".

Now they have said a lot of negative things about her new BF & the sitch she is in with him. He lives far away & neither wants to uproot their kids & move, he loves his lakehouse & doesn't want to move, they'll have 5 kids between them, all the time they spend together is party time, wait until they start to try to tackle the hard work of trying to blend their families, etc. etc.

I think what you're doing H4F is awesome.


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## GettingBetter

EW, our sitch is definetely very similar. I am(was) very close to my inlaws. B6t unlike yours they did not want to get in the middle of it. In the begining I was asking them for help. To talk to her, but they refused. They did not want to hear that their dear daughter is a cheater. It was easier to listen and believe her. Few times her mom even said we married too young...that we always had problems, were arguing constantly. WTF?! We never argued, my ex was a typical conflict avoider. 
I cut ties with them, SIL, BIL...I do not need them in my life. I lost all the respect for them. But I am still nice to them, and to be honest they are to me too. But really we have nothing in common any longer, other than my kids. Who still live with them in two bedroom townhouse. I sent them a card for christmas...remembered their B-days (for the last time). 
Nah...don't need them. It was hard in the begining, but now it's like they do not exist any longer. I put them on the same one way train out of my life...together with my ex.


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## ExisaWAW

Well, I asked my oldest D (12) if I ended up having to move out of state to find a job, does she think she would still go to church. Her answer confirmed my worst fears for my girls. She said she wasnt sure, but probably not. It's no mystery that my x does not make church a priority for our girls. I think they've only gone 1-2 times in the 14 months we've been divorced. 

Even though I try to raise them to be God respecting girls, being in front of them for only 20% of the time (standard visitation) just isn't enough to make much of an impact. Since they are with my x 80% of the time, she will have the biggest impact on them, unfortunately. 

I don't mean to bash her but she cares only about herself & being with her BF. My girls are 8&12 & they still don't eat vegetables. Chicken nuggets, pasta and tomato sauce, pizza, and maybe 2-3 other foods are all they eat. Unreal. For the last 3 years of marriage I begged her to put other foods on their plates & exercise tough love to get them to eat other foods. 

She never did. 

She doesn't make homework a priority and thinks screaming at them is parenting. My oldest talks back, bullies her little Sister, & my youngest is crawling into her shell more and more, becoming more and more detached every day.

My x leaves them at grandmas, her GFs, anywhere she can during the week when she has plans with her BF. 

I'd like to stay in the area but I've been out of work so long, I had to open my search up to other states. I'm not sure how often I'll be able to see my girls if I move. Divorce really sucks but I have to move on with my life now. I didn't want this life for my girls but that's the way it goes. 

I pray that I find work around here soon. Or, if I have to leave, I hope my girls turn out ok.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LongWalk

Take any job to stay your children's lives
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GettingBetter

It breaks my heart reading your story. Probably because it is very similar to mine. We were never much of a church going people, but I was raised in strict catholic family. My x does not care much about religion or anything else. Maybe if she did she would not have done all the things she did. I feel sorry for you and your girls. I know how hard that is, even though i see my boys often. But in a way I feel that they do not see me much as a father figure but as a buddy. I do not do much homework with them,by the time I pick them up during the week it's already done. Even though I do practice math, reading and writing with them. I really do not want to be just a fun dad. I wanna be a real dad. But on the other hand their mom never takes them anywhere. Just this weekend i took them bike riding, to the park, ice cream, mini golf...you name it. Did everything they wanted to do. And even found some time to do some math practice. 
Just as your ex, mine is just looking to spend time with her BF. He already had a sleepover and kids were there. Confusing for them, but nothing I can do. I can not protect them from her mistakes. Sad...
Last night when she was picking them up after spending a weekend with her BF, she asked me if she can see our dog. Just told her next time. She started crying...I just turned around and left. Old me would stick around and ask her whats going on, but now I just dont care. I am not feeding her ego any more. 
I really hope you can find someting to stay close to the girls. I could not imagine the pain if I had to move. Any chance of finding something temporary in the area until something better comes up?
You and your girls are in my thoughts my friend. You will pull out of this.


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## ExisaWAW

GettingBetter said:


> It breaks my heart reading your story. Probably because it is very similar to mine. We were never much of a church going people, but I was raised in strict catholic family. My x does not care much about religion or anything else. Maybe if she did she would not have done all the things she did. I feel sorry for you and your girls. I know how hard that is, even though i see my boys often. But in a way I feel that they do not see me much as a father figure but as a buddy. I do not do much homework with them,by the time I pick them up during the week it's already done. Even though I do practice math, reading and writing with them. I really do not want to be just a fun dad. I wanna be a real dad. But on the other hand their mom never takes them anywhere. Just this weekend i took them bike riding, to the park, ice cream, mini golf...you name it. Did everything they wanted to do. And even found some time to do some math practice.
> Just as your ex, mine is just looking to spend time with her BF. He already had a sleepover and kids were there. Confusing for them, but nothing I can do. I can not protect them from her mistakes. Sad...
> Last night when she was picking them up after spending a weekend with her BF, she asked me if she can see our dog. Just told her next time. She started crying...I just turned around and left. Old me would stick around and ask her whats going on, but now I just dont care. I am not feeding her ego any more.
> I really hope you can find someting to stay close to the girls. I could not imagine the pain if I had to move. Any chance of finding something temporary in the area until something better comes up?
> You and your girls are in my thoughts my friend. You will pull out of this.


Hey man, I know our sitches are very similar. Trust me, the thought of moving away from my girls is gut wrenching. But, I have been doing everything I can to get back into management. I've even tried to go back into sales but they tell me I'm way over-qualified & they're afraid I will leave as soon as I'm offered a mgmt position elsewhere. Very odd catch-22. It's really the curse of the high-income people. These jobs are scarce. Had I realized this, I would have never taken the voluntary lay-off 1.5 years ago.

I think you are doing great GB! Don't feed her ego anymore. By cutting ALL contact with my ex, she is going mental. Just the thought of my possibly moving has her in a tizzy. She won't be able to have party time with the BF as often & now that it looks like her Mom is headed for assisted living, she can't dump the girls there multiple times a week.

Then there's her new job as a realtor. She has no earthly idea how hard & time consuming that job is going to be. And, less time with the BF, aww. Not my problem.

The BF sleeping over your x's place when your kids are there is sad. I realize it's just a matter of time for that to happen to me but I don't even want to know about it. I don't want her in my life at all; ever again. I won't be sitting by her at school functions, etc. She's kryptonite to me. I'll be fine with a job.

Hopefully it happens here locally. Thanks for your well wishes.


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## happyman64

Exisa

There are some things and some things you cannot.

You can only control yourself. So stay focused on yourself for now.

While it is disappointing how your wife acts, lives her life and does not influence your girls the way you would like, they will grow up.

They will want a relationship with you.

It will happen as they get active in high school on their way to college.

And that is when you can establish a better, healthier relationship with them.

Keep God in your life. Get your life in order and full of new happiness.

Then let it spill over into your daughters lives.

They will appreciate it more as they become your women.

Mine do.....

HM64


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## Hardtohandle

@ the OP. 

I don't know how to say this but just to say it. 

You need to get laid and you will see how it changes your mind. Your ex wife is doing it and so should you. 

Wife of 19 years left me and I wanted to die. Now I just walk into a bar with a friend and LITERALLY just call women over to us and they come. It is that EASY.. I just screw this and tried it out. It worked. Even the women say sometimes, I can't believe I just walked over to you guys. Its very funny sometimes. 

I have 2 boys 13 and 8 btw..

I was fortunate that a friend introduced me to someone that was able to cool my jets. Emotionally it is tough and she knows it. I'm a broken toy now. She deals with it and I can see when I am wrong and admit when I am wrong. 

It will NEVER be perfect again for you. Your a changed person now and you need to accept this new person. 

I care for this women and her two girls but it will never be the same for me. I am a harder man. No one will hurt me again like my Ex did. 

I don't think anyone here would tell you differently. Again you learned from your experience and you would be a fool to go down that road again.


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## ExisaWAW

Hardtohandle said:


> @ the OP.
> 
> I don't know how to say this but just to say it.
> 
> You need to get laid and you will see how it changes your mind. Your ex wife is doing it and so should you.
> 
> Wife of 19 years left me and I wanted to die. Now I just walk into a bar with a friend and LITERALLY just call women over to us and they come. It is that EASY.. I just screw this and tried it out. It worked. Even the women say sometimes, I can't believe I just walked over to you guys. Its very funny sometimes.
> 
> I have 2 boys 13 and 8 btw..
> 
> I was fortunate that a friend introduced me to someone that was able to cool my jets. Emotionally it is tough and she knows it. I'm a broken toy now. She deals with it and I can see when I am wrong and admit when I am wrong.
> 
> It will NEVER be perfect again for you. Your a changed person now and you need to accept this new person.
> 
> I care for this women and her two girls but it will never be the same for me. I am a harder man. No one will hurt me again like my Ex did.
> 
> I don't think anyone here would tell you differently. Again you learned from your experience and you would be a fool to go down that road again.


Thanks H2H, I remember reading some of your story. I was getting laid for awhile & it was nice, I have to admit. The problem was they were 21 & 24 (I'm 48).

It was nice to know women still found me attractive & the sex was incredible (wow, I wish 20-somethings did that kind of stuff when I was younger! I never would have gotten married, lol!!!).

Yes, I'm changed forever too. Thanks for your post, man.


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## hope4family

Thanks Ex. 

I'll feel less awkward when a 18/19 year old hits on me now. 

I'm 29.


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## ExisaWAW

hope4family said:


> Thanks Ex.
> 
> I'll feel less awkward when a 18/19 year old hits on me now.
> 
> I'm 29.


LOL, your welcome. I was at the pool this wknd & chatted with two 23 year old beauties and they both guessed I was in my mid to late 30's. All the working out is paying off!


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## hope4family

ExisaWAW said:


> LOL, your welcome. I was at the pool this wknd & chatted with two 23 year old beauties and they both guessed I was in my mid to late 30's. All the working out is paying off!


It's not the working out. 

It's how you carry yourself. Women are attracted to that. 

Invest in yourself. You will be rich. In due time, you'll have pick of the liter.


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## Healer

Why do you want her back? She cheated on you, and has moved on. You need to do the same.

Sorry to sound harsh - but do you really think God will enter her mind and magically make her love and want you again? I don't think it works that way...free will, and all.


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## ExisaWAW

Healer said:


> Why do you want her back? She cheated on you, and has moved on. You need to do the same.
> 
> Sorry to sound harsh - but do you really think God will enter her mind and magically make her love and want you again? I don't think it works that way...free will, and all.


Huh?

I don't want her back & I'm doing my best to move on. You are correct, God sets the rules & then leaves it up to us to follow or reject them. She chose to ignore His rules & our wedding vows & will suffer the consequences in this life or the next.

I'm going to be okay. It's just taking me awhile.

Thanks for your post.


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## hope4family

I think Healer got to the party late. That happens from time to time. Take it a day at a time Ex.


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## ExisaWAW

hope4family said:


> I think Healer got to the party late. That happens from time to time. Take it a day at a time Ex.


I'm sure you're right. I might add though that while I'm not holding my breath, God is a God of miracles and anything is possible. He must do His work in her & she must repent, etc. before any of that would be possible.

On another note, I truly believe I would be near completely healed if I had found work. Being out of work for 18 months is surreal. 

Don't let anyone fool you, this economy is very soft, especially for high income professionals ($200k+). The catch-22 is that when I apply for $100k jobs, I get the "you're way over-qualified" or "you will leave as soon as a better job comes your way".

Very frustrating. First time in my entire career I've been out of work. In the past when i went on interviews I would get multiple job offers. This is crazy.


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## hope4family

ExisaWAW said:


> I'm sure you're right. I might add though that while I'm not holding my breath, God is a God of miracles and anything is possible. He must do His work in her & she must repent, etc. before any of that would be possible.
> 
> On another note, I truly believe I would be near completely healed if I had found work. Being out of work for 18 months is surreal.
> 
> Don't let anyone fool you, this economy is very soft, especially for high income professionals ($200k+). The catch-22 is that when I apply for $100k jobs, I get the "you're way over-qualified" or "you will leave as soon as a better job comes your way".
> 
> Very frustrating. First time in my entire career I've been out of work. In the past when i went on interviews I would get multiple job offers. This is crazy.


Your doing good man. Keep it up, and i'm sure it will turn around. 

Realistically. I think there comes a time when a betrayed spouse has to pray for WS to turn around and then give it to God, and never mention it again. 

Why? Because constantly having it on your mind. Only prevents you from moving on and accepting Gods new blessings. Keeping a sense of hope alive, is like a cancer patient asking for the cancer cells to heal itself. Doable by God? Yes. Just its more likely you die in the process from said cancer.


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## ExisaWAW

hope4family said:


> Your doing good man. Keep it up, and i'm sure it will turn around.
> 
> Realistically. I think there comes a time when a betrayed spouse has to pray for WS to turn around and then give it to God, and never mention it again.
> 
> Why? Because constantly having it on your mind. Only prevents you from moving on and accepting Gods new blessings. Keeping a sense of hope alive, is like a cancer patient asking for the cancer cells to heal itself. Doable by God? Yes. Just its more likely you die in the process from said cancer.



Thanks H4F!

I completely agree. God wants me to be happy. I have been faithful to Him throughout this entire ordeal with my xW and even with the job sitch.

And yes, lifting it to God is what I am being taught right now. Once I completely am able to let go, that will be a turning point too.

*On another note, I have decided to renew my lease for another 6 months and stay put for now.*

When I told my girls I would be leaving, it crushed them. They cried uncontrollably & begged me to stay.

I just cannot bear to leave them now. Hopefully God opens a door for me here & I get a job soon.


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## Awakening2012

ExisaWAW said:


> On another note, I truly believe I would be near completely healed if I had found work. Being out of work for 18 months is surreal.
> 
> Don't let anyone fool you, this economy is very soft, especially for high income professionals ($200k+). The catch-22 is that when I apply for $100k jobs, I get the "you're way over-qualified" or "you will leave as soon as a better job comes your way".
> 
> Very frustrating. First time in my entire career I've been out of work. In the past when i went on interviews I would get multiple job offers. This is crazy.


Hi EWAW - 

So sorry to hear about the extended employment search -- that stinks! I can imagine how that would add to your stress. I hope you get a great job soon!

Cheers, - A12


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## ExisaWAW

Awakening2012 said:


> Hi EWAW -
> 
> So sorry to hear about the extended employment search -- that stinks! I can imagine how that would add to your stress. I hope you get a great job soon!
> 
> Cheers, - A12


Thanks, A12. Yeah, it has been quite a blow to my confidence (as if I needed another blow to my already battered self-confidence, right?).

I'm just getting very few bites. I'm hanging in there though. I've had tremendous career so far with lots of national awards in my field, etc., so I'm remaining hopeful.


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## weightlifter

ExisaWAW said:


> Don't let anyone fool you, this economy is very soft, especially for high income professionals ($200k+). The catch-22 is that when I apply for $100k jobs, I get the "you're way over-qualified" or "you will leave as soon as a better job comes your way".


soft 75K to 100K too. I turned myself into a project coordinator from project manager in one version of my resume. I do better with my full out resume by far.

Too many people looking in the 40K range also.


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## Garry2012

ExisaWAW said:


> You're probably right, I would be much better at selecting a spouse than I was back at 33. What bugs me is that I waited until I was older to get married for that exact reason. My parents were divorced & I never wanted that for me or my future children so I dated around, sowed my wild oats & was patient. I kissed many a frog until I met who I thought was my princess.
> 
> I was still wrong.
> 
> People CAN change. My xW was the sweetest, kindest, most thoughtful girl (young woman) I had ever met by far. And she turned into a selfish, narcissistic cheater without any concern for our family or our children. A really don't think she was always that way & I just missed something. In the immortal words of Forest Gump, "Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what your gonna get."
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This describes my X perfectly as well. It has been a hard thing to accept.

Keep forging ahead and taking care of yourself. sounds like you are doing pretty good.


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## Garry2012

So have you filed? thought about who will get the kids? I know my lawyer thought it was odd my X got a job before we divorced, because it lowered her Child support...I think that is true for you as well.


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## happyman64

Exisawaw

Just wanted to let you know I was thinking of you and your family.

I hope you are well on your way to finding yourself and rebuilding your life.

Merry Christmas,

HM


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## Justadude

ExisaWAW said:


> HM, I'm sure you are correct. The part that is tough for me to watch is the appearance from her that everything is wonderful in her life. She exited the marriage with our girls, over 1/2 million in cash, and immediately found a successful guy who is crazy for her. He loves to flaunt her by constantly taking her out on the town & she absolutely craves the attention.
> 
> I need to believe that she is trying to bury her shame & grief of ruining the marriage & destroying me in the process by putting so much effort into this relationship w/o taking any time to contemplate her actions and sort through her emotions. I agree that I need to continue to distance myself from her. I no longer have any heartfelt discussions with her. I keep it strictly business about the girls. I can really tell she missed those conversations. She even texted me after a disagreement over the girls asking me not to get mad and to please not do my "no communication" thing again. Wow, NC was having an impact.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Do some research on female NPD. If she craves attention, and cheated on you those are two MAJOR red flags. I'm in the same boat, and once I realized she has NPD, I realized there was NOTHING I could have done to save it. It's a mental illness issue with little hope of success. And believe me, that she seems very happy does not mean she is...I bet she seemed very happy with you to others on the outside. NPD's are incapable of true happiness, and worse are incapable of loving others. 

I bet her tears were more to do with a problem in her current relationship, than the breakup of your family.


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## Justadude

Sorry...just read your thread for the first time...and see you've figured the NPD thing out yourself. Your situation is so similar to mine, except I'm nearly as wealthy. 

Hope you are doing well...please check in and give us an update! God Bless!


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## LongWalk

He was emotionally brutalized. Some want to believe that Christian belief protects them from evil. They leave their guard down, assuming that a fellow Christian spouse will not violate the Ten Commandments. 

But the authors of the Bible knew human nature. I would like to ask Exisawaw if he has experienced uncertainty about his faith.

Ending his relationship with his MIL and SIL was a big step. 

When he took the severance package his ex decided she wanted to replace him as a sex partner. I don't think had any idea what sort of person he married. Some WS are rather ordinary. 

His was hypocritical, cruel, vain and greedy.



happyman64 said:


> Exisawaw
> 
> Just wanted to let you know I was thinking of you and your family.
> 
> I hope you are well on your way to finding yourself and rebuilding your life.
> 
> Merry Christmas,
> 
> HM


 _Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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