# Happily married and considering an affair



## cvm (Aug 19, 2013)

I love my husband. I can't imagine my world without him. I'm considering having an affair. Is it lust? curiosity? Is it possible to spend time with someone else and not hurt my husband? Who will I be if I do this, even if he doesn't find out? I'm an emotional mess right now.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

If your are considering an affair, you probably are not happily married. Unless you are looking to have your cake and eat it to... Why would you have an affair if you are happy?.. Most people involved in affairs are not happy in/with their marriages and something is missing. Dorsn't mean it is right to do and usually people in these situations don't go looking to have one. 

Think of it this way, how would you feel if your husband had an affair? 

I say get out of the marriage BEFORE you have an affair.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

cvm said:


> I love my husband. I can't imagine my world without him. I'm considering having an affair. Is it lust? curiosity? Is it possible to spend time with someone else and not hurt my husband? Who will I be if I do this, even if he doesn't find out? I'm an emotional mess right now.


To answer your questions :

1) Is it lust? curiosity? A: Its total selfishness

2) Is it possible to spend time with someone else and not hurt my husband? A: NO ! In fact, its is quite possible one of the worst hurts to do to another person 

3) Who will I be if I do this, even if he doesn't find out? A: An absolute terrible person IMO.

Why are you thinking about doing something that is so destructive ?


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## calmwinds (Dec 10, 2012)

cvm said:


> I love my husband. I can't imagine my world without him. I'm considering having an affair. Is it lust? curiosity? Is it possible to spend time with someone else and not hurt my husband? Who will I be if I do this, even if he doesn't find out? I'm an emotional mess right now.


Who will you be? You'll be a cheater. Forever. You took vows. I suggest you go to the CWI section and just read a few threads. Most of the BS's there were never supposed to find out. There are also some very remorseful WS's there who would give their left arm to take back what they have done. If you want someone else, divorce your husband first. He doesn't deserve the betrayal. You can't possibly really love him if you're considering someone else.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

cvm said:


> I love my husband. I can't imagine my world without him. I'm considering having an affair. Is it lust? curiosity? Is it possible to spend time with someone else and not hurt my husband? Who will I be if I do this, even if he doesn't find out? I'm an emotional mess right now.


Ask your husband these questions. Find out how he feels about it.

Keep in mind that he will most likely find out about your affair, so letting him know ahead of time is the wise thing to do.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

cvm said:


> I love my husband. I can't imagine my world without him. I'm considering having an affair.
> 
> If you have an affair, it's more than possible that you will have to consider your world without him...
> 
> ...


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

They always will find out about an affair, no matter how much you try to hide it... You can't hide emotions forever.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

How would your husband react to the news that your are having an affair? Is this a deal breaker? 
Is it worth losing your husband and marriage over?

What is missing in your 'happy marriage' that leaves you wanting to have a relationship with someone else? What need will this new person fulfill for you?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Before you have an affair, why not arrange for your husband to have some fun time. Find him a very nice woman who will be good to him in bed, who won't ask him any difficult demands and won't use him as a person to share all her complaints to. Just give him lots of positive attention and easy fun sex for him.

Once he's taken care of you can go do your deed knowing he's taken care of.

Though you might view infidelity and the pain that comes from being cheated on very differently by then.


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## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

Maybe suggest a open marriage to your husband, then he will be given the opportunity to fulfill his lust/curiosity if he wants to.
Yes it might destroy your marriage but a affair is most likely to destroy your marriage as well and at least this way you won't be a selfish, cake eating cheater (which is what you will be if you have a affair).
Or maybe take someone counseling you feel this way to help find out why feel this and avoid betraying someone you love.


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## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

Something is wrong in your marriage....feelings/problems you haven't confronted, maybe your minimizing. How happy can you really be if you are feeling such strong urges to cheat? Maybe you are not cut out for monogamy?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

I thought the OP is a young women without much life experience. 

No, she isn't. She has been married for over twenty years. 

How old are you? Late forties? Early fifties? 

You love your husband! You can't imagine your world without him! 

I hope that you don't let your curiosity burn yourselves. 

If you do this, your husband will find out, and you will lose him, and you won't have a happy marriage and happy life anymore! 

Are you bored? If you are bored, find something else to do instead of throwing yourselves in a fire. 

Don't be confident that your husband won't find out. Don't be confident that bad consequence won't happen to you if you do silly things. 

And you are not young anymore, you don't have much bargaining power. If you lose your happy marriage, your chance of finding another happy marriage is little. 

Hope you be wise. Don't lose what is valuable to you. Sometimes a happy and peaceful life might be boring and not exciting, but comparing to drama and sadness, you would rather be peaceful and bored.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

If your marriage is as good as you say, and you still want to pursue variety, you will SHARE this idea with your husband and work it out with him involved.

There are two options most people who pursue this follow if they value their relationship. a) swinging, and b) open marriage. (Of course, there is always the option of doing nothing, or spicing things up with your spouse.)

Of the two, the first is the "safer" option as you do it together, so no secrets, no fault. It's still risky, but you both take it together. Option b) can work, but has far more risks both individually and for you as a couple. You'd both have to agree on doing this, and set your ground rules. In your situation, I strongly recommend against it, since you are willing to break you current relationship rules.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Mid life crisis.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## joygirl (Aug 19, 2013)

Why do you think you love your husband? I was going to say you don't love him but its a strange world and people love each other or convince themselves they do for a whole lot of reasons.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

If it is something you have to hide then why do it in the first place??


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## Carlchurchill (Jan 23, 2013)

wow, contradict yourself much? 

Although, it is not in our nature to be monogamous beings but something we learnt or adapted to in order to provide a good stable environment to bring up children. So you need to fight your basic urges!


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## Charmed73 (Aug 20, 2013)

I have been a child in a marriage where an affair was carried out, I was only 14 at the time but still remember it well. From how I dealt with it and view on it now. I know there was problems in my parents marriage possibly my dad was unaware of. It was mum who had the affair with his best friend. There was 5 children involved in the 2 marriages and my mum and the man she had an affair with have been married 23 years this year my dad is also happily married now for the last 20 years.

But I have found out things since as I say view things differently, the marriage was breaking down that is the only reason a person looks for an affair there is something missing from the marriage. If you feel you want an affair you have to ask the reason why? What is happening in my current marriage to make me feel this way. 

Don't have a affair whilst married, the damage and mental cruelty on the receiver is unfair and not asked for. 

If you love your husband as you say you do try to work out where the problem is and work it out and move forward, if the problem can not be worked out look for space in the relationship to help then if its still not right then separation is required. But before any separation you must look at why you have these feelings and why you want to look elsewhere

Sorry if I have not helped much, but that's how I see it from a child looking at it with her parents


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Charmed73 said:


> I have been a child in a marriage where an affair was carried out, I was only 14 at the time but still remember it well. From how I dealt with it and view on it now. I know there was problems in my parents marriage possibly my dad was unaware of. It was mum who had the affair with his best friend. There was 5 children involved in the 2 marriages and my mum and the man she had an affair with have been married 23 years this year my dad is also happily married now for the last 20 years.
> 
> But I have found out things since as I say view things differently, the marriage was breaking down that is the only reason a person looks for an affair there is something missing from the marriage. If you feel you want an affair you have to ask the reason why? What is happening in my current marriage to make me feel this way.
> 
> ...


:iagree: It's not just a betrayal to your spouse, it's a betrayal to your children as well.


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## NatureDave (Feb 19, 2013)

cvm said:


> I love my husband. I can't imagine my world without him.


Try to picture your life without your husband....because that is more than likely exactly what will happen if you have an affair.


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## His_Wife_77 (Jun 9, 2011)

You can't be THAT happy if you're considering an affair. Just leave him....


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## bbird1 (May 22, 2011)

cvm said:


> I love my husband. I can't imagine my world without him. I'm considering having an affair. Is it lust? curiosity? Is it possible to spend time with someone else and not hurt my husband? Who will I be if I do this, even if he doesn't find out? I'm an emotional mess right now.


1) You are "happily married" but you want to do something that may end your marriage.
2) You love your husband or so you say but you are willing to hurt him like this?
3) You can't imagine your world without him but you are considering a possible marriage ending affair?
4) Is this lust? I say no it's stupidity. You are either lying to yourself or us that you are happy and love your husband and couldn't picture life without him. If any of the first three were true you wouldn't risk them by even considering an affair.
5) It is not possible to spend time with someone else (not affair type time) and not hurt him. You will be take emotion, physical being, trust, love and much more from him and giving it to another. In the end this indeed hurts him because he was deprived of all of these things and you broke you word to him, family and god to forsake all others!
6) If you are an emotional wreck that is the LAST thing you want to do is wreck more of your life. Think you're a wreck now what happens when he walks and files Divorce papers? Oh and most likely the OM will bump your emotionally challenged butt as well.

If there is any truth to you are happy and love your husband do NOT have an affair and put it out of your mind now and forever. If however you are not happy or do not love your husband file for the divorce and when it's final then have sex with whoever you want with a clear mind that you honored your words to him, family, friends and god. 

You owe yourself that much. Be true to yourself, honor the pledge you made and the vows you took as long as you remain legally married (EVEN IF SEPARATED)!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

*Happily married and considering an affair*

This seems like an oxymoron.

You choice, if you want to. But don't be upset if he finds out and your marriage is o-v-e-r.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

CVM, if you have an affair you will be a CHEATER.
You say you "love" your husband, but feel the need to be with another man.
What this means is that you "love" what he can provide you financially, but don't appreciate what he does or doesn't do for you physically.
After twenty years, my advice would be for you to get a divorce and start providing EVERYTHING you want yourself.
I can assure you that NOBODY needs to be married in order to live a fulfilling life. In fact being single is the only way for some of us to do so.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I think that this is just a bait thread. OP just wanted to see us all rant.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Fozzy said:


> :iagree: It's not just a betrayal to your spouse, it's a betrayal to your children as well.


*... not to even mention your own extended family, as well as his, but to all of your mutual friends, both in and out of your community. And if any of them are ever fully exposed to the truth,(which far more often than not will be the case), then it will be your name that will end up being "mud," and it will be you that will be reviled ~ not him!

Those folks are far more supportive of your empathy and your vows of love for him; and not for some latent prurient sexual itch deeply embedded within your loins!*


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Would it hurt you if your husband had an affair on you?


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## Jferreira (Aug 21, 2013)

I love my wife and if I found out she did something like that or even thought about it seriously I would be devistated. That would be the worste hurt and I would never look at her the same. Dont do that to him.....leave him first.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

troll,


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> I think that this is just a bait thread. OP just wanted to see us all rant.


I'm seeing this a lot lately in a lot of different forums on here! Seems like it must be
troll season or something.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MyHappyPlace (Aug 11, 2013)

ladybird said:


> Unless you are looking to have your cake and eat it to...


I have never understood this quote. I mean, what the hell is the point of having a cake if you can't also eat it?? Ooh, I just want it to sit on the counter looking good until it gets moldy and dried out??


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> I think that this is just a bait thread. OP just wanted to see us all rant.


Probably. But even trolls sometimes spark interesting debate.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

MyHappyPlace said:


> I have never understood this quote. I mean, what the hell is the point of having a cake if you can't also eat it?? Ooh, I just want it to sit on the counter looking good until it gets moldy and dried out??


 Having your cake and eating too means having the best of both worlds.. Example - Having a husband/wife and having a lover on the side... That is what that means.


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## bbird1 (May 22, 2011)

The English idiomatic proverb has been miss quoted over the years.

The ACTUAL quote was "eat your cake and HAVE it too" Meaning you can not possess it and eat it they are not mutually exclusive. See the word HAVE implies you will possess it and if you eat it because it will be gone. 

But it basically means you can not possess and destroy something at the same time. You can not have your marriage and divorce her too.


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

bbird1 said:


> The ACTUAL quote was "eat your cake and HAVE it too" Meaning you can not possess it and eat it they are not mutually exclusive. See the word HAVE implies you will possess it and if you eat it because it will be gone.


Yes! Thank you!

The choice is between two pleasures that are mutually exclusive

You cannot have the hen for dinner and still have eggs in the morning.

You cannot light the firecracker and have it too.​
Etc., etc.


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

Don't do it. You will be a cheater. There will be devastating consequences.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

You really don't know the answer to this? Think you're an emotional mess now, go through with it and you'll find out what an emotional mess really is.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

bbird1 said:


> The English idiomatic proverb has been miss quoted over the years.
> 
> The ACTUAL quote was "eat your cake and HAVE it too" Meaning you can not possess it and eat it they are not mutually exclusive. See the word HAVE implies you will possess it and if you eat it because it will be gone.
> 
> But it basically means you can not possess and destroy something at the same time. You can not have your marriage and divorce her too.


Thank you. Love it. That IS how I've interpreted it but thank you for making it official.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

Are these serious questions?


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