# The thrill is gone... well, at least for her...



## lucid confusion (Aug 2, 2011)

first time poster - although, I have been lurking a bit, looking for similar stories, or some kind of validation that I'm not going nuts.

Here's the story:

Met my wife in college over 20 years ago - been living together for about 16 years and married for about 9 years. Up until 3 months ago, I would have told you we had the perfect relationship - we don't really fight and rarely have disagreements. We have many of the same hobbies and generally enjoy each others company - can't really complain about what happens in the bedroom either. We are very supportive of each other. Many people who know us would say that we are the benchmark for an ideal marriage.

Ok, so let's go back to 3 months ago - out of nowhere she tells me that she's been thinking about spearation for quite some time. At first I didn't believe her, I thought maybe she was just having a rough day, but she persisted and I had to consider the idea. At her request, I researched and found a couple therapist. We went approximately 6 times, at which point we collectively decided that individual therapy (for her) would be best. We stopped couple therapy, and as unpleasant as it was, things started to get worse after that - she wouldn't talk to me about anything and she seemed to be getting more distant.

Out of frustration, I left for several days. Part of me just needed some time alone, but mostly I thought it might rattle her cage a little - that she might see how important I am to her and that she really does need me. It sort of worked (or so I thought) and she asked me to come back - even crying on the phone. the day after I return, she tells me that she only asked me to come back is because she doesn't want me to be sad anymore. So it would appear that we are back where we left off.

Over the span of the last 3 months, she has said more hurtful things than I have heard from her the entire time I've known her: she doesn't know how to fall back in love with me, she doesn't look forward to seeing me after a business trip, she feels trapped, I don't do enough housework, I'm too angry/depressed, I don't read enough, I'm not kind or giving enough (selfish), she would cheat on me (or has thought about it), my conversations are not stimulating enough (boring?), our lives are too boring, etc, etc... Anyway, you get the idea...

So I'm left wondering what to do. In spite of all this, we still get along pretty good - we're nice to each other, sleep in the same bed, and seem to care about each other - even show some affection (although not publicly - oddly enough). She says she still care about me - somehow she has conviced herself that I can't take care of myself if she leaves (thus, the trapped feeling).

I won't try to defend myself here (no real point), but I can tell you that much of this is very unfounded - I am fairly self sufficient.

The dilema for me is that I don't generally hang around if I feel like I'm not wanted - I've been like that my whole life. I've left several jobs for not feeling appreciated (rightfully so, but that's another story). I feel like there is too much to walk away from - much more good than bad, but I don't know how much of the "I don't love you as much" I can take. I haven't felt this lonely in a long time.

To stay or to go...

Love to hear your thoughts.
Thanks for reading - if you made it this far!

Lucid Confusion.


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## capacity83 (Feb 13, 2011)

hey buddy,

Im sorry to hear that. Any kids involved? Didnt sound like u have kids in ur post. 
I myself too went through a very similar situation. However, not as long as your relationship and me and my ex wife are rather young. Me 27 and she is 23. We do have a 4 yr old child though. 
However, ive done a lot of readings in the last 5 mths after we separated and sought a lot of advise. I even bought a e-book (magic of making up) to try help me get her back. Read countless books such as the five love languages, John gray's books and multiple experiences in different forums (divorce busting as well).

I realized that women (even some men) leave or "fall out of love" for one very straight forward reason. 

That is, she has found someone else or something else that is more important than the marriage. In my case, my wife is young and beautiful. She knows that finding another man ( she is currently dating ><... after 5 months) wont be hard as she is in the clubbing scene a lot. Whats funny is she even told me that she will not "love" again which i find it amusing she's now dating someone and doesnt even have the guts to tell me first hand up. Im not saying ur wife is seeing someone else but she may have met someone at a shopping mall, the local diner, gas station or whoever that may have shown interest in her. 

The thing is, it's human nature to feel wanted and appreciated. She's probably allowed herself to emotionally detach from you for quite some time now. Physically, probably not yet as you are still sleeping in the same bed. 20 yrs is a long time together and it isnt easy to just walk away. She's probably allowing herself some more time to physically detach from you buying herself time. 

As for the reasons regarding house work, dont read enough and all the lame reasons WAW(walk away wifes) give, are just an excuse. They just want out and will use any faults or mistakes u've made whether big or small. 

I guess my point comes down to, if someone loves you, just as how they did in the beginning of any relationship, they WILL want to be with u regardless of how badly u treated them. Using these reasons are a sign of resentment. And yes, she does need IC for this. You cannot talk sense into someone that is ready to pack her bags and go. They are way ahead of you in terms of checking out of the marriage. Ive been there, done that. Ended up hurting myself even more for trying. 

My advise is, why be with someone who doesnt love you the same? 
If u still want to work on this marriage, try the 180. Give it a shot. It may work, it may not. 

Hope my advise helped a little.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Just taking a poll, are you still supposed to cut the grass and paint or any of that stuff in this situation?


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## lucid confusion (Aug 2, 2011)

Thanks for the post Capacity. I am very new to marriage problem solving so I don't know all the lingo just yet. When you say she needs "IC" - what does "IC" mean? Also, can you elaborate of what an "180" involves? I've done some quick on-line research, but it seems a little vague at best. Seems like the general idea is to stop pursuing and even intentially distance yourself from your spouse, with the hope that they will discover the error of their ways and love you more? I also read that it may be more about changing perceptions and general aditutes about the situation. As with many things involving emotion, this may be much easier said than done. Unfortunately, a particular flaw of mine is that I wear my heart on my sleeve - I can be a bit emotional (I don't cry or get "mushy" or dramatic, but I am sensitive and fairly easy to "read"). Let's just say that I am not a good poker player!

We don't have kids - just a dog.

Ten-year-hubby, I am the last person to give advice regarding the situation, but I would take a more pragmatic approach to "chores" or home repairs - does it need to get done? If something is broken then it should probably be fixed - truth is, it will help you as much as her (or him). Just don't do it (only) for her (or him) - think of it more as for the greater good, the big picture. So, now that I've used up my 2 cents...

For everybody here: Knowing my situation (roughly) what are some good books on the subject? At this point, I'm not sure a book on relationships or marriage would be helpful because I am not the one who wants to leave. Sure I have some involvement (as the "other" in the marriage), but even I know that I can only change myself. how about a book about re-learning how to love myself (actually, that sounds a little corny, but you get the idea...) I've been very sad and angry for a little too long now and I need to feel like there could be a light at the end of the tunnel regardless of the outcome.

Thanks again for reading and for the help.


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## capacity83 (Feb 13, 2011)

lucid confusion said:


> Thanks for the post Capacity. I am very new to marriage problem solving so I don't know all the lingo just yet. When you say she needs "IC" - what does "IC" mean? Also, can you elaborate of what an "180" involves? I've done some quick on-line research, but it seems a little vague at best. Seems like the general idea is to stop pursuing and even intentially distance yourself from your spouse, with the hope that they will discover the error of their ways and love you more? I also read that it may be more about changing perceptions and general aditutes about the situation. As with many things involving emotion, this may be much easier said than done. Unfortunately, a particular flaw of mine is that I wear my heart on my sleeve - I can be a bit emotional (I don't cry or get "mushy" or dramatic, but I am sensitive and fairly easy to "read"). Let's just say that I am not a good poker player!
> 
> We don't have kids - just a dog.
> 
> ...



IC = individual councelling. 
180 = basically means no begging, pleading, give ur wife some space. hang on.. ill try find the link for u.
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/considering-divorce-separation/27357-can-someone-explain-180-me.html here u go. 

No doubt the 180 isnt easy to implement. Relationships involve a lot of emotions (up and down) and attachment (both physically and emotionally). The 180 isnt "really" about getting ur wife to love you again. In fact, its purpose is to slowly detach urself from your wife and when your wife sees that your moving on, she might realize what she is missing out on. However, like i said earlier, it may help or may not help your situation. 

My advise to you is.. act happy even if its hard to do. Dont be needy. Dont bring up ur relationship issues unless she does. Just take it a day at a time. I realise thr were a lot of mistakes i did which drove my ex wife further away. We would talk for hours and hours with me trying to change her mind (no arguing). It didnt work. Nothing worked. 

I guess a few things you could do is..

1. Start making changes ur wife wanted yrs ago. Dont tell her. Just do it. Dont expect anything in return. If it means, cleaning up the house, do it without telling her "oh hun, ive cleaned the house". She will notice it.

2. Appearance: Pick urself up the latest men fashion magazine. Buy some new clothes. Get a new haircut. The thing is with men and (women), when they get comfortable(married), they dont really care about their looks, weight etc. 

3. Keep busy. PIck up a new sport/hobby/interest. Take the dog for long walks. Dont follow her around the house like a leech. 

Signs ur wife may be cheating or is interested in someone else, OR EVEN thinking about dating someone else( doesnt matter if she has met HIM yet or not ). 

1. Ur gut feeling tells ur that she is
2. She dresses nicer now. Puts on perfume. Buys new clothes. 
3. Is out often (late nights - apparently with family or girlfriends - however its normally out with their girlfriends AND guys). 
4. Online dating - this one is common. If shes on the computer a lot, it might be someone shes talking to. 

Thrs more but i guess u'll have to find out urself. 
Hope this helps. Gluck.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

There's very likely another man involved.

Check phone records, bank records, email and keylogger her computer.


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## lucid confusion (Aug 2, 2011)

Thanks for the clarification.

Truth is, I think I'm still in the denial phase of the process - deep down I still think she'll snap out of it.

Here's the odd thing: somehow I've convinced myself that I'm special and the relationship is special. As I read about separation and divorce, I see someone elses story - not mine. It can't happen to me, it could never happen to me - I have something different, something "special".

It sucks to think that I'm just having the same crappy experience that many other people have had, and will continue to have - it's just how it works (or often does).

Guess now I'm back in the anger phase of the process...


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## capacity83 (Feb 13, 2011)

lucid confusion said:


> Thanks for the clarification.
> 
> Truth is, I think I'm still in the denial phase of the process - deep down I still think she'll snap out of it.
> 
> ...


Hey bud.. i know how u feel..my ex wife told me herself (this was a month before she dropped the bomb one me) that we will never be apart and will always come back together no matter what. I myself felt we had something special and that nothing is going to stop us from being together. I guess i was wrong.
Your right in saying its the same as everyone else. Theres no difference in how it's going to end. Some turn back, some just dont as they think the grass on the other side of the field is greener. Only after they have experienced that it isnt greener on the other side then they tend to regret their decision. I cant wait for this day cos by time she decides to come back, ill be so very happy to turn her down. 

Dont get me wrong buddy.. she has put me through hell for the last 6 months since she dropped the bomb. 

I know ur in denial, we all are at the beginning. We all try our best to save it, change ourselves etc, treat them better. However, this behaviour is just going to pressure them more. 

I mean u have to understand that you cant force someone to be with you and you certainly cannot force someone to love you. It takes two to tango in a relationship. 

Another alternative is,

move out. Find somewhere to stay. Be it ur friends place or family or even rent a room somewhere for a month or two. Dont contact her. Maybe google what they call " the no contact" rule. This may work. This may not.


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## dontKnowMe (Jun 1, 2011)

I see very frequently the hurt spouses saying things that their ex will realize that the grass isn't greener on the other side. Consider this: if your spouse stayed with you they would have regretted it for never taking the chance at being happy. In fact the grass very likely IS greener because they'll live a life with LESS regret.


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## WaterWarrior (Jul 30, 2011)

Maybe you could consider reading "the female brain" there is a section in the book regarding women of your wifes age and giving up on what other people think and the reasons behind it psychologically. 

Also I believe that you should just give her what she wants, she may back down, but it is only out of fear. She probably really wants to leave but doest trust herself as to why. I think once a womans heart has moved on, its nearly impossible for an outside factor to change its reasoning. She will have to make the call, but hopefully you wont be there for her then and she will be happy too.


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