# "I don't know"



## hockeymom (Sep 28, 2013)

The past few weeks the most spoke phrase from my mouth is, "I don't know". I think I'm lying to my self. I think I do know. Well, I don't know everything, but I do know I'm not happy, and this unhappiness is turning me into a person I don't like. Now I understand there are always two sides to every story and I'm sure my H will think differently about the things I'm about to say. I can tell the fact that can't be disputed.


I've been married since 1999. 
We have 2 beautiful daughters
2 awesome dogs
A house, which we are behind in
His mother lives with us
We both work full time
I'm a full time student
I'm a doer. I fix things
He's not a doer and would rather pay to have things fixed even though we don't have the $$.
He runs to his mom when the going gets tough and she bails him out. 
He's spoiled by me, my girls and his mother. 
I'm an enabler. I take on everyone's pain/stress so they don't have to. 
I'm a firm believer in picking your battles.
I'm laid back, but far from lazy
He doesn't like my friends, he finds fault and judges quickly
I like his friends
We have big problems.
His mother is extremely helpful, but annoying



I should have know in 1994 when we started dating that there was something wrong when he said, "this is the way I am, and I'm not changing". Here's were there may be two sides.

In 2000 after our second daughter was born she was sick. I decided to stay home with her and babysit to offset the money. When an ex boss called for help for a friend, I agreed and it turned into a 9+ year employment history that caused lots of problems. The job started fine, but odd. I worked for a small contractor and his wife. His office was attached to his bedroom. After a couple years of this weirdness I forced him to build me an office outside the home. I became friends with my boss, and there was a mutual trust between us. He taught me how to be a woman in a mans world (construction). When the recession hit and the housing industry tanked so did his business. I felt obligated to him and the company and agreed to be paid by barter. This went well for a while until the recession didn't seem to let up. I couldn't continue to be paid this way and went looking for another job. This made my husband happy because he was jealous of my friendship with my boss. He told me over and over to leave and find something else. There were times when I did, when that fell through, he encouraged me to go back. 

When I left for good in 2009 I decided to go back to school. Soon after leaving I was told that I was being investigated for stealing from his company. Because I trusted in our friendship and agreed stupidly to the barter agreement I walked directly into a legal battle and my trust in him made me look extremely guilty. It was my word against his and he had all the records. I maintain my innocence, but I was arrested and had to obtain a defense lawyer. This legal battle that has brought so much animosity in my marriage I don't think we can get passed it. It has changed me emotionally. My husband received a settlement for an accident and he used some of this money to pay my bail. Long story short, my ex employer stated I stole ALOT of $$, but "settled" on 10k and a apology letter after my mom and I hired a private investigator that had information that proved he was lying. Although my attorney believed we could win the case, their offer was "cheaper" than going to trial. So, after a 2 year legal battle, a lot of hurtful words said and family issues (him and my mother, who isn't afraid to say he isn't good enough for me). 

So, when I said earlier that he stated "I'm not changing", he didn't. It's his way or the highway. Even though he agreed to my barter payments and encouraged and discouraged my employment, he feels the legal battle was 100% my fault and I spent all his $$ from his settlement. I understand where he's coming from and feel responsible for the legal issues, but he is not clear from this as I was supporting our family and he had full knowledge. Needless to say, the only support I received from him during the 2 year legal battle was the money for bail. What's his is his and what's mine is ours is his motto. I can't live with the resentment.

Ok, I'm rambling but this was a big issue in our marriage that I felt responsible/guilty for and tried apologizing my way into him forgiving me. He told me that he was tired of fighting and didn't think he had any fight left. I cried and he began distancing himself from the family. 

Presently we are living two separate lives. He's never home and when he is he's miserable, ornery and always tired. He's bitter and nasty toward me and the girls. His resentment has gotten to me and now I don't feel as though I have any fight left. I starting going to counseling in hopes he would join me. It took over a month for him to go. Now that he is going, he'd rather be golfing. 

I have an aunt that's moving to down south and has offered me and the girls to stay in her home once she moves. It will help me and I will help with my elderly grandmother who lives downstairs. The home is a few blocks from my home now and it wouldn't be too much of a change for the girls and their schools. 

I don't know, I'm angry all the time. It seems he would rather be anywhere else but here with his family. Of course there is so much more, and if the thread grows I can indulge, but I just don't know. Do I stick this out in hopes that the counseling works or do I leave giving my girls two homes and a trial separation so he can see what it would be like without me. Do I walk away from a mortgage we are behind in. Give him the house and everything in it and start over? About 6 months ago I opened my own bank account and have began paying my own bills and tried to get him on a budget. This is hard because he has to keep up with the Jones and gets upset when he can't just go out and buy what he wants. He'd rather have money sit in his account and watch it accumulate instead of paying the bills, which consequently made us fall behind in the mortgage. 

I'm now about to complete my Bachelor's degree. I have a great job and room for advancement very soon and I will be making more money then I ever have and things have to be looking up. It's sad our marriage has taken this turn just as things are becoming more stable. 

Please help. I'm lost and don't know what to do.


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## KNIFE IN THE HEART (Oct 20, 2011)

Hockey mom,
There are a lot of issues here. Before you decide to move check with a divorce lawyer to see what your rights and obligations are. You don't want to be accused of abandonment and lose out on a settlement. 
If you aren't happy, it's your responsibility to figure out how to be happy. Your H has told you he isn't going to change. That gives you a choice. You either accept him the way he is and stay in the marriage or you decide you can't accept him and work towards ending the marriage. 
Counseling is an excellent idea for you to work on your issues. If your husband is not willing to go then it will do nothing for him. The only person you can change is you. You deserve to be happy in this life. And it's important for your children to see you working on being happy. It's a great life lesson for them. 
With regards to your court case, it's disappointing that your husband was not supportive. He should have been. That's what it means to be married. You are partners and you help each other through the good and bad. Obviously he doesn't feel this way about marriage. Are you willing to accept that for your life?
Only you can answer that question. 
Hope this helps a bit, keep us posted.


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