# My Husband NEVER wants sex anymore...



## Hex (Dec 17, 2012)

I don't know what to do. My husband and I are both very young I am only 22 and he will be turning 26 this week. We dated for almost 4 years and got married on September 7th. We used to have sex all the time, like 2 times a day all the time. I told him before we started dating that sex in marriage was very important to me and that I did not want to suffer through what another female in my family did. We do not have any children and stress has been the same really. a few years back I had a late miscarriage due to some health problems (legitimate ones not self-induced) and ever since then he has treated me differently...I always thought it would pass over and blamed myself constantly for it.

Physically I am his type. I've never been a real thin girl but I am actually thinner now than when we first met...but he likes that...it is one of the reasons we started dating so fast when we met. I wear clothes he likes...stockings thigh highs skirts all of that kind of stuff it is again one of the reasons we fell for each other. He still likes those kinds of clothes he calls me sexy when I wear them and when we go on dates...The problem is I never believe him anymore...how can I? It is so hard to believe him when he calls me cute or pretty or sexy when he never even wants to touch me. We have sex once maybe two times a month and often times I do not reach completion and he just leaves me in bed 90% of the time when that happens. He makes up constant excuses for why he never wants sex and tries to tell me its not my fault but I know it has to be me somehow. He masturbates while I am at my classes and he has admit that to me so I don't understand why he doesn't want me. I have tried everything, E V E R Y T H I N G. I have initiated, I have waited, I have worn sexy clothes, I have slept naked, I have tried not letting him see me naked for awhile, I have literally done everything I can think of and nothing ever gets him going. Even if I catch him with an erection (when we wake up in the morning sometimes) he still tells me he has to pee and we can't have sex. I cry myself to sleep at night and it has gotten to the point now where we don't even sleep in bed together. I wait until he leaves for work at 3:30am before I go to bed. I love him. I love him so much but I feel like I am trapped and suffocating. I feel hideous constantly, I eat less and have anxiety attacks over this. It has gotten to the point where I do not buy myself clothes or shoes, even panties without asking him if he likes them first I am so scared that I will put something on my fat ugly body that will make him want me even less...I don't know what to do! I am crying as I type this and he hasn't even noticed.

I also want to add I have tried talking to him about it a LOT of times. He kept telling me he would feel better if we were married and that is one of the reasons I got married so early despite the problems here and there we were having. My family loves him and would be devastated if they found out we were having problems...I have no one to talk to, no one to turn to...I have been suffering in silence for so long and I just want some advice...please someone help me.


----------



## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Sorry you are here, I hope you are able to find some comfort 

Have you gone to counselling (alone or together) since your pregnancy loss? Are you trying to have another baby? Have the both of you talked about this?

1) Sometimes men react differently to a loss. And they are afraid to have sex, cause another pregnancy, and thus cause more pain.

2) There are a lot of reasons why men refuse sex, and everyone is different, but do any of these reasons seem plausible?

-An affair
-A medical condition
-Self esteem issues
-porn addiction
-inability to have an emotional bond with your partner
-resentment \ anger within the relationship

It's very very hard for a man to talk about these things. Especially if you are young, and you don't want to talk to family about what is going on. He may feel the same way, and thus won't talk to you.

Talking to him about it doesn't always help.

Have you thought of couples counselling?


----------



## Terry_CO (Oct 23, 2012)

Has he been to see a doctor about his low drive? It could be that his testosterone level is low. That lowers libido and could be directly causing his behavior.

If he'll agree to it, have him see the doc and get a blood test to at least rule it out


----------



## Hex (Dec 17, 2012)

deejov said:


> Sorry you are here, I hope you are able to find some comfort
> 
> Have you gone to counselling (alone or together) since your pregnancy loss? Are you trying to have another baby? Have the both of you talked about this?
> 
> ...


We did try to have a child again for awhile...He told me over and over for a few months he wanted a baby (I think it was because all his friends were having children)...We tried for a couple of months having sex regularly checking my cycle etc...but I didn't get pregnant...sometimes I think he doesn't have sex with me because I haven't given him a child....though the logic would be extremely backwards...

I questioned if he could be having an affair a lot of times but really when he is not at work he is at home he doesn't really go out much he likes to stay home play video games and interact with our dogs...

I worried about a medical condition too but he Masturbates when I am not home...

I don't know about self esteem....he is an up and down kind of guy is he messes something up he is mad at himself for days but he never puts himself down... (In regards to my self esteem I used to think I was the best thing since sliced bread always had my head held high never talked down about myself...it wasn't really until all this started that I started to hate myself...a lot.)

The porn addiction is a HUGE fear of mine. He does watch porn very regularly (my computers upstairs and sometimes when we are on skype I can hear it through his headphones) I am terrified that that is one of the reasons he doesn't want me because I will never look like a pornstar...I could starve myself for months and never look like one of them.

The emotional bond scenario scares me too...since we started dating I have seen him cry 3 times...maybe 3 times. I don't know if he really cares about me. I wake up crying from dreams where he gets hurt and I don't even know if he dreams about me at all.

The resentment...I am 100% positives that he blames me for the miscarriage...We did not get counseling when it happened because I was a full time student and we couldn't afford to time-wise nor financially really...(the pregnancy was a surprise) I am sure that he hates me for losing the twins...I hope he will forgive me someday but I am starting to think maybe he wont.

I have tried talking to him so many times about this but it has gotten to the point where he completely avoids me when I start the conversation...he doesn't even want to take the time to hear me out anymore.


----------



## Hex (Dec 17, 2012)

Terry_CO said:


> Has he been to see a doctor about his low drive? It could be that his testosterone level is low. That lowers libido and could be directly causing his behavior.
> 
> If he'll agree to it, have him see the doc and get a blood test to at least rule it out


We have spoken about this before too, but he wants to wait until he gets back from bootcamp (he is supposed to leave winterish 2013) so he has insurance in case something is wrong.


----------



## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Low testosterone. 
Stress. 
Could be carrying on an affair. 
ED. 

Easiest ones to rule out are the low testosterone/ED by taking him to a doctor.


----------



## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

It's a natural reaction after a pregnancy loss to immediately "try again". But that feeling wears off, but the pain remains.

There are quite a few online support groups for women and men who have suffered a pregnancy loss. I wouldn't "print and give"... but you could check them out yourself. Share what you find, if you think it's helpful. 

If he wont' talk about it, then yeah, he's defensive and doesn't want to deal with it. So don't bring it up anymore. 

Do some reading on your own. HIs Needs, Her Needs. That will help you "talk" about things differently. Not as in you are asking him to change or do anything differently, but being able to assert yourself, knowing what your needs are, what your boundaries are, and being able to effectively have a conversation that is based on "What are YOUR needs, and how can I meet those" and him being more able to tune into YOU. 

By all of that I mean when you are having conversations, they could be better if based on the relationship, not what he isn't doing for you. That's hard to take on a regualar basis, and most people will just tune it out. 

Chances are, he isn't very happy either. Find out why. Take the time to encourage him to open up about himself. Find out what his needs are, what's bugging him. 

And don't feel bad about doing a bit of snooping either. There could be something else going on.


----------



## Hex (Dec 17, 2012)

deejov said:


> It's a natural reaction after a pregnancy loss to immediately "try again". But that feeling wears off, but the pain remains.
> 
> There are quite a few online support groups for women and men who have suffered a pregnancy loss. I wouldn't "print and give"... but you could check them out yourself. Share what you find, if you think it's helpful.
> 
> ...


We didn't start to try again until earlier this year (around April I think) but he just got so frustrated with me not getting a baby that I feel like he has just given up on me. I constantly feel like I can't do anything right for him. 

I will look into speaking with him more (I am 1 semester away from finishing a minor in developmental psychology, so I am pretty familiar with the do's and don't of conversations). I feel like I have been trying to make sure to make the conversation more about fixing and less about blaming or complaining but I don't really know. I am so hurt about the entire thing that it is fairly difficult to take it out of context and look at it that way.

In addition the snooping...I snooped through his phone once while he asked me to hold it and found out he had been sexting with his ex (this was right after the miscarriage a few years back)...she lives really REALLY far away but I was still so hurt by it...I think I am subconsciously afraid that I will find what I am looking for if I snoop and therefor cannot bring myself to do it...


----------



## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Did you even talk to him about sexting his ex? What do you mean by sexting? You just let that slide??


----------



## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Well there's your answer. He is cheating and upset about the loss of the baby. I would move this to Coping With Infidelity. 
I'm sorry you are going through this. No matter what, him cheating is not your fault.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Hex (Dec 17, 2012)

deejov said:


> Did you even talk to him about sexting his ex? What do you mean by sexting? You just let that slide??


Yes we talked about it, like I said that was years ago and I know they don't talk because I manage our phone bill and I blocked her on all numbers...Once and awhile I will look through the text log on our verizon bill and I never really see numbers I don't recognize. I don't think he is cheating on me at all really. The big fear here is that he doesn't love me anymore and I don't know why...

I don't really appreciate the automatic assumption that he is cheating on me based on some text messages from almost 3 years ago.


----------



## Hex (Dec 17, 2012)

diwali123 said:


> Well there's your answer. He is cheating and upset about the loss of the baby. I would move this to Coping With Infidelity.
> I'm sorry you are going through this. No matter what, him cheating is not your fault.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I would not move it there and I honestly find this response incredibly offensive.


----------



## Indyuke2 (Jan 10, 2013)

I've never posted here, but when I read this thread I felt I needed to. My wife and I lost twin girls almost three years ago. It was one of the most painful things we had to go through, and being able to hold their beautiful little bodies after the D&E and seeing how perfect each finger, kneecap and nose was very heartwrenching and caused both my wife and I severe grief. One of the very few times in my adult life that I've ever cried, and the loss of our twins is still one of the only things in my life that brings me to tears even today.

Both my wife and I took the loss very hard, and I can say that the months after the twins death we literally tore each other apart emotionally... not about the twin's death, but about insignificant non-related stuff. We love each other dearly, but we didn't know how to deal with something like that, and even though it was no ones fault, we attacked each other. I'm a quiet guy, so my main bend was to withdraw... my wife, the opposite.

One of the things that turned a little sour and sparse was sex, and my wife and I both felt very gun shy about ever attempting to have another child again for a while.

The fact that your husband is viewing porn and masturbating while rejecting you sexually is a problem in your relationship as a couple. He likes sex and his testosterone level is most likely fine, but something has caused him to decide not to have sex with you. You are not at fault, you are his type, so softly approaching him in his communication style with the intent to figure out what's amiss will net you more progress than even minor manipulation and attacks will.

It's only been the last six months or so that my wife and I have been recovering from some of the pain and started to learn how to comfort each other rather than tear each other apart. Sex is still sparse, but we now have a healthy 1 year old with another on the way, but it took several years of learning first how to communicate with each other effectively, learning how to comfort and protect each other and build trust again, then approach our issues.


----------



## happysnappy (Jan 8, 2013)

Generally a sex problem is just a tangible result of a marriage problem. Maybe you are not filling his love tank. try reading "the five love languages". 

I would say the porn is an issue. He's replacing intimacy with you by using it. It is entirely possible he is having an emotional affair if not a physical one. It could be the loss of the baby. It could be many things and if he isn't going to talk about it I'm not sure what you can do other than to tell him you are unhappy and don't want to continue on in this manner.


----------



## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

you post your problem on a public forum. I don't know why you found Diwali's response "incredibly offensive." We don't know you. We don't know your husband. You act as though we're your personal friends and horribly offended you. We're just people here trying to give honest advice - you can take it or leave it but nobody insulted you here. If you didn't want to hear different people's opinions, you shouldn't have posted here. You'll probably find this incredibly offensive, too, but I think you need counseling to help with your poor self-image and incredibly low self-esteem problems. You are blaming your self destructive behaviour on your husband but you need to become the woman you once were. If you are so sure that your husband is the reason you feel so ugly and sad and crying all the time, then you should get a divorce. It also sounds like your husband has a porn addiction.


----------



## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

So you don't consider sexting cheating? Your husband is sexting with an ex and you are offended by me?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## shdbhappy (Jan 10, 2013)

I am really sorry that you are hurting the way that you are. I am your age and also married. At times i feel like i married too young but thankfully i can say i have a healthy marriage. 

I feel like you are too young to struggle thru all of these things.  How is your marriage in other areas besides sex?


----------



## Hopefull363 (Feb 13, 2012)

Your husband did cheat on you by sexting with an ex. You also mentioned that he was on skype looking at porn. Isn't skype a type of video chatting? That would mean he's interacting with a live person. That is cheating on you. Skyping is very different from looking at porn pictures or videos. If my husband were interacting with other women whether it be by video or by texting I'd consider it cheating and be extremely hurt. Watching porn is no big deal to me. I do it with him sometimes. As long as it's not all the time and we are both fulfilled sexually. 

At this point you should go to IC or MC. I would tell him all porn, sexting, skyping is done. Anything having to do with sex has to involve you and your needs have to be satisfied. Tell him exactly what you need and how you need it.


----------



## adotson2001 (Mar 7, 2013)

Hex said:


> I don't know what to do. My husband and I are both very young I am only 22 and he will be turning 26 this week. We dated for almost 4 years and got married on September 7th. We used to have sex all the time, like 2 times a day all the time. I told him before we started dating that sex in marriage was very important to me and that I did not want to suffer through what another female in my family did. We do not have any children and stress has been the same really. a few years back I had a late miscarriage due to some health problems (legitimate ones not self-induced) and ever since then he has treated me differently...I always thought it would pass over and blamed myself constantly for it.
> 
> Physically I am his type. I've never been a real thin girl but I am actually thinner now than when we first met...but he likes that...it is one of the reasons we started dating so fast when we met. I wear clothes he likes...stockings thigh highs skirts all of that kind of stuff it is again one of the reasons we fell for each other. He still likes those kinds of clothes he calls me sexy when I wear them and when we go on dates...The problem is I never believe him anymore...how can I? It is so hard to believe him when he calls me cute or pretty or sexy when he never even wants to touch me. We have sex once maybe two times a month and often times I do not reach completion and he just leaves me in bed 90% of the time when that happens. He makes up constant excuses for why he never wants sex and tries to tell me its not my fault but I know it has to be me somehow. He masturbates while I am at my classes and he has admit that to me so I don't understand why he doesn't want me. I have tried everything, E V E R Y T H I N G. I have initiated, I have waited, I have worn sexy clothes, I have slept naked, I have tried not letting him see me naked for awhile, I have literally done everything I can think of and nothing ever gets him going. Even if I catch him with an erection (when we wake up in the morning sometimes) he still tells me he has to pee and we can't have sex. I cry myself to sleep at night and it has gotten to the point now where we don't even sleep in bed together. I wait until he leaves for work at 3:30am before I go to bed. I love him. I love him so much but I feel like I am trapped and suffocating. I feel hideous constantly, I eat less and have anxiety attacks over this. It has gotten to the point where I do not buy myself clothes or shoes, even panties without asking him if he likes them first I am so scared that I will put something on my fat ugly body that will make him want me even less...I don't know what to do! I am crying as I type this and he hasn't even noticed.
> 
> I also want to add I have tried talking to him about it a LOT of times. He kept telling me he would feel better if we were married and that is one of the reasons I got married so early despite the problems here and there we were having. My family loves him and would be devastated if they found out we were having problems...I have no one to talk to, no one to turn to...I have been suffering in silence for so long and I just want some advice...please someone help me.


I want to respond first by saying this happened to me once. Seeing porn often takes your mind to a place you can't go back. You r not the problem the porn is he is addicted to it and you probably do look like a star but to his memory only porn arrouses him. Get rid of the internet or him before you lose them both.


----------



## adotson2001 (Mar 7, 2013)

women and men who use porn together for sex purposes can be a good thing but if one isn't watching then the other shouldn't either. It's called cheating.


----------



## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Hex said:


> I would not move it there and I honestly find this response incredibly offensive.



What you have witnessed is called "projection". Some commenters here see one thing in your posting that reminds them of their own husband, so they assume your husband is doing everything theirs did. I see that constantly on TAM!!

Now, more specifically to your situation, from everything you told us it doesn't sound like it's a medical problem or that he's cheating. I hate to say this, but it sounds like he has lost his attraction for you for some reason. It could be because of the miscarriage, but it could be because of many other reasons. It could even be because he has discovered he is gay. But you are both WAY to young to live a sexless life or have to deal with these kind of problems right now. These should be the best years of your lives. This forum cannot solve your problems, you both need to get into marriage counseling, and quickly.


----------



## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

adotson2001 said:


> women and men who use porn together for sex purposes can be a good thing but if one isn't watching then the other shouldn't either. It's called cheating.


OMG - another "porn = cheating" person. If that is true, then every man in the world is cheating.


----------



## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Hex said:


> I don't know what to do. My husband and I are both very young I am only 22 and he will be turning 26 this week. We dated for almost 4 years and got married on September 7th. We used to have sex all the time, like 2 times a day all the time. I told him before we started dating that sex in marriage was very important to me and that I did not want to suffer through what another female in my family did. We do not have any children and stress has been the same really. a few years back I had a late miscarriage due to some health problems (legitimate ones not self-induced) and ever since then he has treated me differently...I always thought it would pass over and blamed myself constantly for it.
> 
> Physically I am his type. I've never been a real thin girl but I am actually thinner now than when we first met...but he likes that...it is one of the reasons we started dating so fast when we met. I wear clothes he likes...stockings thigh highs skirts all of that kind of stuff it is again one of the reasons we fell for each other. He still likes those kinds of clothes he calls me sexy when I wear them and when we go on dates...The problem is I never believe him anymore...how can I? It is so hard to believe him when he calls me cute or pretty or sexy when he never even wants to touch me. We have sex once maybe two times a month and often times I do not reach completion and he just leaves me in bed 90% of the time when that happens. He makes up constant excuses for why he never wants sex and tries to tell me its not my fault but I know it has to be me somehow. He masturbates while I am at my classes and he has admit that to me so I don't understand why he doesn't want me. I have tried everything, E V E R Y T H I N G. I have initiated, I have waited, I have worn sexy clothes, I have slept naked, I have tried not letting him see me naked for awhile, I have literally done everything I can think of and nothing ever gets him going. Even if I catch him with an erection (when we wake up in the morning sometimes) he still tells me he has to pee and we can't have sex. I cry myself to sleep at night and it has gotten to the point now where we don't even sleep in bed together. I wait until he leaves for work at 3:30am before I go to bed. I love him. I love him so much but I feel like I am trapped and suffocating. I feel hideous constantly, I eat less and have anxiety attacks over this. It has gotten to the point where I do not buy myself clothes or shoes, even panties without asking him if he likes them first I am so scared that I will put something on my fat ugly body that will make him want me even less...I don't know what to do! I am crying as I type this and he hasn't even noticed.
> 
> I also want to add I have tried talking to him about it a LOT of times. He kept telling me he would feel better if we were married and that is one of the reasons I got married so early despite the problems here and there we were having. My family loves him and would be devastated if they found out we were having problems...I have no one to talk to, no one to turn to...I have been suffering in silence for so long and I just want some advice...please someone help me.



Your husband may be an LD person...Low sex drive...If that is the case, you will be able to compromise at best...Do not expect a lot of sex........
If he is inding hes emotional needs are not being fulilled, 
There is some hope....

my wife and I have been married 47 years...Our marriage was in a bad place, to the point of discussing divorce...After a big blowout, she said someone told her about a book that might help....I was so desperate I ordered it that day....Ten bucks on ebay...

The book was "The 5 Love Languages"...I had NO hope the book would help...When we got it, she started reading it, but after a couple of chapters had to do chores, so I picked it up and started reading...The premise is simple, The wording isn't psycological crap, and it made sense....I don't think I put the book down till I finished it......Then the wife picked it up, and finished reading it....

A person feels good about the person who fulfills them emotionally...It makes that person EASY TO LOVE...

The whole point of the book is that different people need different things to feel emotionally fulfilled...You speak the language you understand to your mate, and they reply in the language they understand.....If both don't speak the same languages they do not give their mate the emotional support they they crave...They become emotionally bankrupt....

There are 5 languages:
1 Acts of service
2 physical touch
3 Words of affirmation
4 Quality time
5 gifts


If you need "Physical touch" And your mate speaks gifts...
You are craving a hug, and sex, and she buys you a ROLEX......
You become emotionally bankrupt.....

Your wife craves "words of affirmation", and you tile the bathroom....She is going to be pissed....

You are both saying I love and support you, and both of you hear 
nothing but gibberish....

If two people decide they want to love one another, and want their partner to be emotionally fulfilled, The book will show both of them how...

People who learn how to communicate have less conflict...It's as simple as that...

Saturday my wife was in a bad mood...We are doing some work on the kitchen, and she felt she had wasted the morning because she couldn't find a light fixture....She came home and began acting out in a negative manner.....In the past I would have picked up on it, fed off of it, and a blowout would have ensued...DEAD CERTAIN.....

Instead I tried to tease and reason her out of her mood...Everything stayed light, and no fighting...

Sunday I lay down after breakfast to watch TV. The wife joind me and said she had been silly for being in such a bad mood the day before, and was very affectionate....

We had HONEYMOON SEX for 3 hours.....It was absolutely one of those lovemaking sessions that you always remember.....

It was not the first time we have done that since reading the book........

How much would a day like that mean to you.....

If you look up my threads last Oct.-Dec. You will se the absolute hell my life was then....If someone had told me they could make this big a change in my marriage, for $5,000 cash....I would have paid GLADLY.....Not bad for $10 on ebay....

Good luck
the woodchuck


----------



## leegmoser (Mar 11, 2013)

First off, sex does gradually dwindle down a little from those first few months of the bliss of a new relationship. It's a pretty common thing to happen. Secondly, what about job stress? IS he under more stress than he used to be? I know when I get stressed over my job my desire for sex is much less even though my desire for my b/f hasn't changed I'm just legitimately very tired. Third, sex takes far more energy for males and their orgasms also take more out of them, so if it is an issue with fatigue he might just not be able to handle it as well as when the relationship was still brand new ... it's a known fact we are putting out our very best selves in the new stages of a relationship. When comfort zone settles in we tend to be more the people we "really" are normally.

If you don't think stress or fatigue is at play then it could be boredom settling in. HOpe that isn't the case but some people get married and start feeling bored or that its getting stale or not as 'hot' as when single. I think that is silly but we can't change some mindsets. I truly hope this isn't the case as you are still very much newlyweds.

It's really bothering you so I would suggest asking him if you can have a sit down talk about it, and try to tell him how you feel without being accusatory or blaming. Focus on how it makes YOU FEEL vs starting off sentences that start off with "you always....fill in the blank". The last thing you want to do is put him on the defense because if you do it will make him feel even less desire for sex.

He might also be experiencing a mild ED problem. Men don't like to talk about this with their g/f's or wives as it embarrasses them even though MANY men go through it at some point in time or other. This is a hard subject to broach as it may make him even less amiable to sex if it embarrasses him or hurts his feelings. This is an issue he'll probably need to work out on his own. The anger he had when you touched yourself in bed is concerning and suggests maybe he is having an issue like this and the frustration and fear of the unknown about it is manifesting itself into anger.

If you have the means, I strongly suggest a psychologist who specializes in sex therapy or at least knows something about it. Regular psychologists are not always the best to help with intimate issues and some are better than others.

Good luck, I hope it works out.


----------

