# Confused



## vn1955 (Jun 30, 2014)

Not sure where to begin. But as many on here, I guess the best way is just to pour out your heart. I've been separated for almost 6 months now. I discovered in April that my husband was talking/texting another women across the country- an old friend from high school. I confronted him and he left. Leaving me distraught and to care for our two kids. I am a teacher, and somehow I had to get it together to continue teaching the rest of the school year. Like many, I couldn't sleep, eat, and was completely heartbroken from the deceit. He treated me like crap in the beginning and blamed me for everything. He now has his own apartment and the kids don't want to spend the weekends over at his apartment, they haven't even seen his place. 

Things have now cooled down. I am slowly healing. We almost reconciled a few weeks ago, but suddenly changed his mind to come home. I want to work things out. I love him very much, but don't know if I can trust him. He goes to our kids activities and we talk, almost like we use to. He spends time with the kids at my house, even does chores like watering the grass and washing the kid's clothes. 

But I'm not sure if he really wants to come back. That's whats most confusing. I feel like he wants to come home. He's even said how ashamed and embarrassed he is. He says he misses me. He cries. But...he's still living at his apartment. He won't go to couples counseling. I'm ready to either reconcile or divorce. I just don't know where to go from here. More waiting?? Ask to reconcile again?? Or go forward with a divorce?? Our family and friends want us back together and they, like myself, don't know what caused all this mess. Any advice please!:scratchhead:


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

Just because you start the divorce process doesn't mean you can't still eventually reconcile. It can take a long time to divorce, and it's a lot of work on both sides. 

You are allowing him to live a separate life, but if that doesn't work out, he can always come back to him. He doesn't have to decide right now and is putting it off. By filing for D, you shut the door to that possibility and he will have to chose. 

So, file for D. Given him the conditions on which you would be willing to drop it and reconcile. Don't make the conditions easy, and make sure they are observable. Things like marital counseling, access to all passwords, accounts and phone. Any other thing thing that would make you feel more secure in reconciling.

It's not easy, and sorry you are going through it.


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## billy baru (Sep 23, 2014)

vn, I know what you're going through, and I'm sorry for both you and the kids. Spouses that walk away suck.

I'm with acoa, file the D. If your H freaks out, tell him in order to avoid the D a couple of things have to happen ( feel free to expand on these)

1. Immediate NC with the "old high school friend". If he left you and his family, I'd be willing to bet that she's a little bit more than that. If he's not willing to give that up, he's not good enough to be with you and your children.

2. Marriage Counseling. ( and Individual Counseling)

3. A heartfelt commitment to repairing and strengthing your M. I've heard of a couple of folks that went the R route that a "written contract" is a good way to go. While it has no legal standing whatsoever, sometimes writing out goals and expectations on paper and having both parties sign it may be a good idea.

All the best to you and your kids, chin up.

BB


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## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

Filing for divorce just put you on a path, a highway. There are plenty of potential offramps before you get there...


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## firefairy (May 21, 2012)

I agree with everyone else. You are allowing him to have his cake and eat it too. He is able to live his life without strings attached. He knows you have the door open if he decides he wants to come back home. It's almost like hes waiting to see if something better comes along first. 
Drawl your line.. either you work on getting back to together or you work on getting a divorce. Don't allow him to string you along.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

vn1955 said:


> like myself, don't know what caused all this mess. Any advice please!:scratchhead:


Sure
Your old man wanted his cake and eat it too. That didn't work when you busted him. He choose the other women and now that didn't work out ( when his fantasy become reality his new reality wasn't rainbows and unicorns).......you became his plan "B"...



That's your mess.

Now time to stop asking and start telling your old man what what and if he can't keep up then divorce his @ss.....

Ya you love your old man, but the game has changed and he is the phucker that changed it!

I'm thinking its time to command respect. Again its up to your old man to keep up or shut up so make you boundaries loud and clear and the consequences that come with when those boundaries are crossed.

Your old man has no room to negotiate if he wants....really want...I mean really really wants to help you heal


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

He's still checking out his options while keeping you around just in case. If you're ok being plan b just sit back and wait. Otherwise have him served.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## vn1955 (Jun 30, 2014)

Thanks everyone for the advice. I'm most definately will be giving him the ultimatum this weekend. We either begin to reconcile or the door to my home is shut and I'll begin divorce proceedings. This is no way to live. It confuses me and the kids. My eight year old heard us overtalking the other day and asked me if daddy is my boyfriend again. It's not fair to them or me. Whenever everyone posts about the emotional rollercoaster, they aern't kiddin.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Geez....haven't you guys spent enough time using words?

Why not file and have him served then it will be up to your old man to put up or shut up?

Then come this week end you talk and let it be known that it is up to him ...through his actions that you withdraw the divorce before it's finalized.

I mean....what the hell are you guys going to really talk about....he is going to say the same sh1t he's been telling you.

In short....and this goes for both of you....actions speak louder then words!

I say you see what your old man is really made of and either excepts the challenge to prevent the divorce from finalizing or says phuck it she's divorcing me any ways and get the hell out of your way.

But thats just me


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Geez....haven't you guys spent enough time using words?

Why not file and have him served then it will be up to your old man to put up or shut up?

Then come this week end you talk and let it be known that it is up to him ...through his actions that you withdraw the divorce before it's finalized.

I mean....what the hell are you guys going to really talk about....he is going to say the same sh1t he's been telling you.

In short....and this goes for both of you....actions speak louder then words!

I say you see what your old man is really made of and either excepts the challenge to prevent the divorce from finalizing or says phuck it she's divorcing me any ways and get the hell out of your way.

But thats just me


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Filing for divorce is the only real ultimatum you can afford at this point. Verbal ultimatums don't mean anything and almost always fall on deaf ears.

To be honest, if your kids are not reacting so badly to him being away, you're probably better off divorcing him. He ain't worth enduring a lifetime of mistrust, anxiety and fear of this happening again.


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## vn1955 (Jun 30, 2014)

After much thought, I've decided not to have a conversation with him, but file instead. All you wise and experienced people have given me the courage to file. I will not be a doormat. I am a beautiful and strong woman who deserves better. My self-esteem dropped to zero when he cheated on me, but I read so many posts of individuals who've gone through this and made it to the other side even stronger than before. Thank you...thank you...thank you...


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## vn1955 (Jun 30, 2014)

So he invites me to a baseball game. He knows how much I love baseball and states he has four tickets and asks if I'd like to go along with him and the kids. I say "no" have our son invite a friend to take. He gets upset and hangs up on me. Then he gives away the tickets and now isn't even taking the kids. Can you believe it? How selfish. Then calls again later at home sounding normal again asking how the kids are doing. Boy is this man going through some kind of crisis and I hate that he's put me and the kids in the middle.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

vn1955 said:


> So he invites me to a baseball game. He knows how much I love baseball and states he has four tickets and asks if I'd like to go along with him and the kids. I say "no" have our son invite a friend to take. He gets upset and hangs up on me. Then he gives away the tickets and now isn't even taking the kids. Can you believe it? How selfish. Then calls again later at home sounding normal again asking how the kids are doing. Boy is this man going through some kind of crisis and I hate that he's put me and the kids in the middle.


Sorry but how is what he did selfish? You upset him and he didn't go. So what? 

If you're going to do this right, you have to be mature about it. There will be moments when he will be genuinely hurt by you and he will hurt you back. That's what separation and divorce bring.

Either get ready to face the reality of your situation or continue to put up with his crap. It really is a choice.


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## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

Step back and take another look at that incident VN. YOUR actions hurt YOUR kids. What YOU did was petty and the whole family paid for it. You had a chance to do something as a family, whether you still consider him to be 'family' was irrelevant. He made an effort to be a 'family' even if just for an afternoon, and you slapped him away.


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## vn1955 (Jun 30, 2014)

synthetic said:


> Sorry but how is what he did selfish? You upset him and he didn't go. So what?
> 
> If you're going to do this right, you have to be mature about it. There will be moments when he will be genuinely hurt by you and he will hurt you back. That's what separation and divorce bring.
> 
> Either get ready to face the reality of your situation or continue to put up with his crap. It really is a choice.


You're right, Synthetic. I won't put up with this. I know he was hurt by me not saying "yes". I think he was expecting me to eagerly say yes. But I've been reading "Love Must be Tough" and I won't allow him to continue his affair and have me on the side.


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## vn1955 (Jun 30, 2014)

DayOne said:


> Step back and take another look at that incident VN. YOUR actions hurt YOUR kids. What YOU did was petty and the whole family paid for it. You had a chance to do something as a family, whether you still consider him to be 'family' was irrelevant. He made an effort to be a 'family' even if just for an afternoon, and you slapped him away.



I disagree, Dayone. It was HIS actions that hurt the kids. He could have easily said, "Ok, our son can invite a friend." What message would I be sending the kids. That's ok for dad to have an ongoing affair, leave us, have his own place, and yet, every once in a while, he'd like the perception of a "family". Wouldn't that confuse the kids? 

Since this incident, he's been especially cordial with me because now he understands that I'm moving on and I won't be at his beckon call. The kids will always be there for him, but I won't. 180 is completely working.

He's since asked what "we", him included, will be doing for Halloween. We're gonna have a frank discussion this weekend, he's either in ALL THE WAY or he needs to understand the consequences of HIS actions. 

I know he misses our family time, but HE chose to leave.


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## billy baru (Sep 23, 2014)

vn1955 said:


> We're gonna have a frank discussion this weekend, he's either in ALL THE WAY or he needs to understand the consequences of HIS actions.
> 
> I know he misses our family time, but HE chose to leave.


Having that discussion with the forms for the divorce filing just "sitting there" on the table might give him a well-deserved kick in the arse too. Fight back hard vn!!

BB


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

vn1955,

You can have as many frank discussions as you want, but only actions determine the outcome of this. 

That "frank discussion" will be forgotten within days. It's not a question of "if" but "when". 

As I said earlier, you're most likely better off divorcing him anyway, but if you really really want this to work out, you're still going to have to file for divorce and put him against a sharp blade for quite some time. This will not be easy. It'll result in many sleepless nights, but that's what affairs bring. 

Frankly, you should seriously consider moving on and divorcing regardless of what he does. It's just too much to handle for most people and they end up living miserable lives full of resentments for years. It's just not worth it.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

I agree with Synthetic. Your husband needs to feel his neck on the chopping block. He will not feel this by some "serious discussion". I already think he has you wrapped around his little finger. He CHEATS on you and has the nerve to ask you what WE are doing for Halloween. Have him served. It's a small price to pay to break this dynamic and his control over the relationship.


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## Relationship (Sep 29, 2014)

This is going to sound strange but family and friends want what is best for themselves. They like the status quo, even if that is not the correct answer. 

The question is not what they want, it is what you want. Just because he text-ed a high school girlfriend does not mean anything happened. My issue would be why he chose to move out over it rather than talk about it. He is the one with the issues. The question should not be if he wants to come back, it should be do you want him back. Only you can make that decision. Try to look at all issues objectively and decide what you want based on what is good for you, not the children, they will adapt.


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## vn1955 (Jun 30, 2014)

You are all correct. I'm taking a day off next week from work to begin divorce procedures. I've already asked him to meet me at the bank to remove his name from our bank accounts, and he has yet committed. So I mailed him the papers and hasn't taken them to the bank either. So filing for divorce is gonna really shake him up. 6 months of this is too much. I deserve peace of mind.


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