# What if its just too late!



## viviann11 (Jul 15, 2011)

I've posted a couple of times - so for more in-depth - please visit a couple to get a more detailed history - or by all means ask for more details on the points I'm going to try and make here. 

I had a serious discussion 3 days ago telling my hb that I am wanting to leave. This is not a surprise to him - We've been married 15 years - and in 2006 I did leave for 18 months and went back due to temporary circumstances - when the few months were up he guilted me (through my then 10 year old son) into staying. Ever since I have stayed and quite frankly resented it. During our period apart there were no issues resolved - by either one of us. I'll take my part in the dissolve of this relationship. He will not. He refuses to see or validate anything that I have a problem with.

What was it I had a problem with? Verbal and emotional abuse. Guilt and manipulation. After attending IC I found that I had lost who I was (sorry Shenendoah it does in fact happen_) I felt like I wasn't a whole person anymore. I assume most here know all about what can happen on the inside of a person who experiences this. Also I know that there are some out there who believe people in these situations are over dramatic and inventing stories or whatever.

Sorry to be a historian - but a couple of unforgettable examples would be - "Sometimes you eat like you're preparing for a famine" or "This is not like when you were a little kid when your parents farmed you out every chance they got" (when I had made a decision without consulting him of letting our son spend the night with a friend).... I know its all about control - I get it - have read about it - some things are just hard to get over.

So - that kind of stuff doesn't really go on much any more cause he knows I won't take it - but he has channeled it in different ways - like through our son who is now 13. Ok - on with it.

Now after living in the same marital house an additional 3 years (sleeping separate rooms no sex) he's having a hard time wondering why I don't want to work on it... So much more to add but don't want to hog up my own post. (Just ask if more questions) Has anyone else experienced its JUST TOO LATE thing? I have conversations with him - and he just shuts me down - and then case closed. The end of the conversation the other day was simply stated "If you leave I will resent you the rest of my life for taking away half of the next 4.5 years with our son." Then he walked out of house to an appt - never been brought up since. Let me tell you - it really messes with your mind. This is the way I feel is where he's coming from - (Don't care what your saying (not listening to what your saying) and I don't agree with anything you say so I'll get more angry and say something that I think will make you do what I want you to do. No matter how you feel about it.)

I just have a hard time with the staying together for the kids thing - when or how far do you go until that just doesn't work well for anybody? Oh yea... forgot to mention the alcohol abuse. Doesn't interfere with work, responsibilities (basic ones) etc - I just don't like the direction its heading.

I'm all ears and welcome all opinions... Thanks


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

More than likely, the kids already see you two as separate. It's probably not news to them that your marriage is in trouble. It also sounds like you found who you want to be, versus who you are. 

Perhaps it's time to call it quits and move on. Although you listed his flaws, you didn't list yours. Take the time to do that as well. It will come up later. Be honest and true to yourself.

File, and move on. Get the kids out of the toxic environment. They are the innocent victims. Consider counseling for them as well.

Good luck


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

Viviann11- Here's my opinion.

You're all over the place! 

But in answer to the question you pose as the name of your thread, "What if its too late?" well, if its too late, then its too late, and make the change.

However, I question whether or not its too late, and you do too.

So. You list your husband's failings as verbal and emotional abuse, poor communication skills, and excessive alcohol consumption. And for good measure, lets toss in general buttheadedness, which is a problem 98% of husbands suffer from due to being guys. 

And yet.....

You turn around and say that the verbal abuse has stopped because he knows you won't put up with it any more. You say that you sleep in separate rooms, but that he's "having a hard time wondering why I don't want to work on it..." 

What you do going forward is of course completely up to you. However, based on the very brief post you've made here, it seems like the marriage could be improved and saved.

Unfortunately, buttheadedness is a serious problem. Then again, your husband apparently thinks the union is worth keeping. If you elect to try to save your marriage, I recommend that you lay down some boundaries with your husband, that include limits on his drinking and insisting on joint marriage counseling. For your part, you have a lot of resentment towards him, and if you can't see any chance of letting that go, then counseling might not do you any good. 

So basically figure out what you want to do and then lay out a plan for achieving whichever goals you set.

Good luck!


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## viviann11 (Jul 15, 2011)

HerToo - thx for the response. For the record.. we only have the one son. I do have many many flaws - as we all do as human beings. I'm all ready to admit to mine - I view myself so far from perfect - with the added salt and pepper of being beat down for years and struggle with self esteem.. My first burst of power or getting it back is to stop being de-valued from the person who is supposed to love me the most. (well that should be me - and my hb at number 2 - as you'll see below - 

But he does not share the same introspect as to confront his. Thats all I'll say about him for now. *There is nothing wrong with him from his perspective* Here are some of what I feel are mine.... Feel free to comment. tx

1. I let people take advantage of me.
2. I'm all talk and no action (ie - losing weight, quitting smoking for good - (he quit )
3. Extreme co-dependant
4. I'm a follower - and ..... so proud *NOT* I myself followed into abusing alcohol - no excuse or blame - thats on me -
5. Back to number 2 - I just can't follow through!
6. too many more to list. Not to invite you to a pity party but hey... I heave so much crap on myself every day - its not a pleasure waking up. 
7. I'm fat at 49 and was a former gymnast in my day.
8. I drink a coke first thing in the morning.
9. As far as character flaws - I'm not sure what you want - just know that I'm trying to take responsibility for my own crap.


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## viviann11 (Jul 15, 2011)

Hey not like - tx for the response... Yep - I know I'm all over the place - just so much to say - and it hopped out un-organized - 

When I say the verbal abuse has stopped - I guess ..well not entirely true - I just am better at responding or lack of responding should I say. He'll still pop out with something out of the blue - but I don't respond like I used to. 

Also - yes we sleep in separate rooms... we have since our son was born almost 14 years ago. Master was on the other side of the house - I was freaked when he was a newborn - to leave him over on the other side - down a flight of steps and up another half flight - thought I wouldn't hear a fire or a break in - gosh I know I'm awful - then for years - well forever since - he blamed me for leaving the bedroom - when common sense told me long ago - he should have came with me - now he wants to be over there "with me" - I'm just not into it. He taught me well and now wants me to change back .... I can't do it.!

One more - (sorry - I know I'm venting - and these stories we tell out here are by no means complete) Sure. hb feel like the union is worth saving cause he will no longer have control - I don't feel any real connections with him - except that its his world and we all live in it. The conversation I mentioned in my post - I poured my heart out to him - tears streaming down my face. He showed no emotion - tears wise anyway - ok - yes he did - escalation into anger an insult and guilt like usual. I also feel like the weight of our married life - rests on my son and I - that we need to do what HE needs. All other needs go unmet. 

Uh -oh - I could go on writing here for hours. So I'll stop there. Could write a book. (Also - I know I'm not perfect - we all have to work - just feel like he thinks - I'm the one who needs to do it all.. tx for listening to my rant.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Vivian,

You did leave the bedroom. 

However, you don't really need to find excuses anymore. It seems like you already know what you need to do. There's not really a "right" decision, just the right one for you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

viviann: Welcome to the real world. The one where we look at where we are and who we are. All of those things you listed can only be changed by you. Pick only one, and work on it. I suggest a long-term approach to weight loss. I say long-term because that it what it's going to take to create a habit to stick to. For instance, go to the gym and got on the treadmill. See how long you can until you feel like you have to quit, then do 5 more minutes. The feeling like you have to quit part is a break-through wall that you have to get through. When done, look at how many calories you burned. Equate that to drinking a coke. How many cokes did you just burn off? It takes a long time to burn off one coke. So, the next time you want a coke, think about how long on the treadmill it takes to remove that coke. This is why I drink mainly water only now. I use the elliptical instead of the treadmill. I could barely do 8 minutes. Now I can 30 minutes at a fast pace. Each food item equals pain at the gym. Not eating them equals weight loss at the gym. 8 months to lose 65 pounds. More to go.

My point is that you need to take control of you. Empower yourself somehow. You are getting any younger, and you're not dead yet. Life is waiting for you. Start doing things you've wanted to do, but didn't for some reason. Get rid of the things in your life that provide no value, go experience that things that do add value to your life. 

I've been where you are, and I slide back to it from time to time. But now I had a taste of what change looks and feels like, so I can pull myself back up. Life is filled with struggles. Thankfully, there are resources like this board to help.

Good luck!


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

If he wants to work on the relationship... I would suggest the following:

Forget the stories. Let it all go. Go to counselling. Start fresh.
Reconnect as a couple. Go on dates. Learn how to be intimate again.
Forgive all the past comments. (a good idea to do this anyways)

He sounds like he is a direct kind of guy. So maybe he simply just means what he says, and there isn't another meaning behind it?
If so, try the 5 Love languages. Different communication methods. 

14 years in seperate bedrooms and you never met halfway?
He now wants to try. That is kinda worth something. 
Take some small steps. See if there is any respect there at all. Do you love him, at all?


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