# Ex issues with daughter



## Riven (May 4, 2012)

Short history, I left my ex 12 years ago come this Sept. due to major depression issues on my behalf. Our relationship was good, I just had massive depression issues and couldn't seem to get support. Me leaving (with out daughter who was a year ) sent him into massive depression and he went through pyschocounseling, etc. We never got back together and he ended up having two other kids with a... very un-nice materialistic person. They are no longer together. Their youngest daughter, age 4, was diagnosed with bone cancer in March. Because it is my daughter's half sister and I do care about the well being of my ex we are helping with a fundraiser. It wasn't intentional that I'm practically running it, I kind of got drawn in because no one else was taking control of it sort of deal. Anyway, since this has started, he again asked me to forgive his back child support, which is currently at 5000+. I considered it, but denied him.

Originally he was to pay $419 plus 1/2 daycare and medical plus must carrying insurance on her (he did none of those things other than occasional cs), about 1 1/2 - 2 years ago he miraculously got the money for a lawyer and got it reduced to $297 with no additional benefits. 

Currently he's paying $200ish/month, not even enough to cover the basic amount. He went off on how "hard I've made his life" and he can't see his daughter because I moved "half way across the state" and all of that. He has multiple DUI's, and now can not drive without an ignition lock, he's had two kids (the ones above), gone from job to job, and rarely sees his daughter. 

She is almost 13, and he's only been to ONE of her school events, the only time he sees her is when I take her there if I'm going to visit friends, family, etc. I am very upset that he is blaming his life issues on me, I have went out of my way to try to get him to see his daughter, last fall we drove out of our way when picking up a horse to drop her off to visit and when I went to pick her up I couldn't get him to reply to the phone, when I got there I walked in and he was sleeping on the couch while she was upstairs with her half siblings. I've been a single parent getting no child support, working full time and going to college full time. I'm sorry that I have no pity for him and his current situation. I'm tired of taking the blame and I'm tired of snide comments. His daughter still thinks he's wonderful, and I don't bad mouth him, but after this fundraiser I'm helping with, I'm ready to cut ties and be done with it all. When she was young I offered him the chance to relinquish his rights and he denied it with a passion, several years ago then he wanted to so he didn't have to pay child support. I'm so frustrated and don't know what to do. My dad was never there, and I never wanted that for her which is why I have tried so hard to keep her dad in her life, but I'm tired of doing all of the "work" and getting "kicked" for it basically. I know that part of my problem is I still see the person he was, and the person he could be instead of the person he is right now. Advice?


----------



## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

I'd leave it up to your daughter if she wants to see him. Have her call him directly and make arrangements. 

He's very irresponsible and it's not your fault. He's being a dead beat dad. 

I hope his daughter is successful in her treatment. 

And please make sure the fundraising money goes directly to her treatment.


----------



## Riven (May 4, 2012)

Thanks LittleDeer, I always give her the option to go or not to go to anything with his family. 

We are working on getting in with a group that will help handle the money from the fundraiser to make sure it is used appropriately. That was a concern from more than just myself. According to him all I worry about is money... so he probably assumes I'm helping with this to what... steal it? Honestly he needs mental help, and I've told him that, but since I can't control that... I'm just trying to figure out how to deal with what I can control.


----------



## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

My ex used to say all I cared about was money too, one day I said " I pay for our daughter happily, you are the one who always tries to get out of paying child support, perhaps it's you who only cares about money?" 

It is sad for your daughter though. But without you being the one doing all the work, she will see how lazy he is. My daughter did. I like you never bad mouthed him, but without me pushing the relationship, it fell away. She knows for herself how her dad is.


----------



## Riven (May 4, 2012)

How old was your daughter when that happened? I'm sorry because I know this sounds kind of mean, but I've been waiting for that day.


----------



## daffodilly (Oct 3, 2011)

Riven said:


> How old was your daughter when that happened? I'm sorry because I know this sounds kind of mean, but I've been waiting for that day.


I suspect if you leave it entirely up to your daughter to arrange visits (eg. contact him, asking him to come see her, etc) she will find out pretty quickly how little effort he makes, and see that if not for you they wouldn't even have a relationship.


----------



## Riven (May 4, 2012)

That's basically how it is now. I think part of it is that he sweet talks her in texts, oh I love you, oh I miss you, how was your day, good night all of that. 

I'm just frustrated with all of it. He's not the person I knew at all, even his own family can't stand him half the time.


----------



## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

If you do try to arrange for her to see him try to detach from him as much as possible. I know it's so difficult. 
But you have to think of it like you are business associates. No talking about money. If he brings it up tell him to go through a lawyer. 
Try to do planning of visits via email or through a third party. Keep it just the facts. 
Trust me my ex is a pathetic person and I get it. But think of this as you are doing it for her. Do not ever expect him to change, to give you credit for anything or to be generous.
You have to communicate for her and that's it. He is a sad little person and nothing he says about you has any relevance. 

I know it's so hard to detach. I still have problems doing it with my ex. He's a mess.


----------



## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Good advice here.
You are not to blame for his choices. He decided not to get help, you decided to be a parent.
I feel you pain, too. My STBXH rarely visits, and usually its when I've asked him if he plans to see the kids. I'm stopping that. He no longer texts, never calls. The kids are learning. It hurts that they have to, but I agree with you, you have to stop doing all the work.


----------

