# Reconciliation revisited



## Dangit

Long time lurker - first time poster:
The Story: Mid 30's (both wife and I), married 8 years, together over 10, two kids under the age of 7. Wife and I have had a strained marriage over the last 2+ years and have been in MC for over a year. Things were gradually getting better this year, making significant progress in how we communicated and we even went on a short vacation in the spring (without the kids – almost a second honeymoon). I have always had some misgivings about her interactions with one of her co-workers, too many texts in my opinion but I did not think that there was anything too fishy. In late May I was walking by her phone and noticed a message pop up, on a gaming app notification, from this particular co-worker…it made my neck hair standup (not b/c of the content, which I couldn’t see, just that a male coworker is messaging my wife at 1pm on a Sunday). I did not have the code for her phone so I looked at her msn email account (we have it linked to the shared ipad) and started searching for emails to/from this guy…and then I found it (message stating that she missed him, was thinking about his body, etc…). Felt like I was having a heart attack and I immediately confronted her. She broke down, admitted to an EA for the past 4 months, gave me the details etc… We were in a really bad place. I was very shocked at what happened but I was willing to look past it as I love her dearly and we have a family to raise. The next days/weeks were rough but we decided that we were going NC with OM, continue MC, work on the relationship. No rugsweeping, EA was out in the open and discussed, she gave me the code to her phone and I checked it repeatedly. The next 6 weeks were awesome and we really reconnected like we hadn’t in a long time (my wife said it was the closest she had felt to me in years). I stepped up my game as a husband and I thought we had turned a corner.

But….there was always that nagging voice in my head that was like “4 months? Nothing physical? Etc…”. Last week when she was away from the house (but had left her phone) I downloaded a program to view the backup files…and the other shoe dropped. Found the graphic self-shot pictures she sent him (she maintained she never took a picture for him) and the deleted texts between the two of them. Tons of sexting, mentions of Facetiming sessions (I was out of town for work) and they go back way longer than 4 months. Obviously now I am in heart attack part II. And then there was the text from him “the parking lot is empty” which sent me into a full on panic. She gets home and I confront over the pictures, and then the flood of the truth starts. Full on PA for over a year, meeting a lunch and driving to his house for the entire afternoon, sex in the car, etc….Everything previously thought to be true was a lie. She truly had cut it off after the initial discovery but the scope and magnitude of the affair were completely off. Needless to say I am devastated. She felt that if I knew it was a PA that there would be no chance for us to reconcile (and she kept talking about how great the last 6 weeks were). Since that day I have limited my interactions with her (we are around each other with the kids but once they go to bed we do not speak). I don’t sleep in the bedroom or use the master bathroom. For the first time I am considering divorce…don’t know if I can look at her the same as now I play the movies in my head all day long. She wants to work on us and acknowledges that this is her fault and the betrayal could ruin our family. I honestly don’t know what to do as I can’t imagine leaving my family but I don’t even know how to take that first step towards reconciliation a second time (we have had no physical contact of any kind since the second discovery). She is remorseful but I can’t believe a word she says.

This post could go in “coping with infidelity” but I thought it would be more suited for the phase I thought we were in…reconciliation. Would appreciate any advice, part of the reason I am posting this is to get it off my chest and vent a little to strangers in an anonymous forum. This is an embarrassing situation and I don’t feel comfortable telling close friends (although I am going to set up IC and potentially attend support group meetings in my area). If you want to post a “hang in there” or “it gets better” that is cool too…appreciate the support.


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## tom67

Now you know why the marriage was strained there was a 3d person involved. Take your time considering r at this point. If she still works with him she is going to have to quit. If om has a wife/girlfriend she needs to expose to her. Tell your w the marriage is on hold until you decide what you are going to do.


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## cdbaker

I agree with Tom, except for the "Tell your wife the marriage is on hold" as I think that will just hurt her for no discernible reason. It is good that the truth has come out. If she is still working with him, then she needs to somehow transfer to another department/position or change jobs/companies entirely, especially now that it's known it was a PA. 

You mentioned that she shared with you her passwords and has opened herself up, so she has no privacy. That is a good measure for a very limited amount of time with the goal being to rebuild trust, NOT to police her long term. Doing so for too long will eventually build resentment in her, rightfully so, as she will reach a point where she knows has not done anything wrong (since the PA) and has been open with you long enough to have earned your trust back. She'll grant some extra time beyond that, but eventually you have to trust her again. That won't mean she needs 100% privacy again, it'll just mean you need to stop checking her stuff all the time without a really darn good reason.

Anyways, you should continue in MC, but also consider IC for yourself. She still loves you or at least doesn't want to see the marriage end or else she would have walked away when she was busted. Remember that for her, she faced a lot herself in deciding to stay. I don't know if her adultery was made public to others, but if so she likely faces that stigma of being a cheater now amongst anyone who knows, and that isn't easy to shake. It is almost always easier for a person in that situation to just walk away rather than fight back to undo what she has done. Simply being willing to do that shows value.

If you push her away for too long, she might eventually reconsider that resolve. So you really just need to decide if you want to reconcile or not. I get the impression that you DO want to, you're just struggling with the emotions involved at this moment. (Very understandable!) If that is the case, I would STOP pushing her away, closing yourself off to her, or even sleeping apart if you can. Find a way to begin the healing process (through friends you can reach out to, IC, church, any number of books on the subject, etc.) and share that plan with her. Tell her that you do love her, and you want to salvage the marriage, but that you are going to need time to commit to healing from what has happened. If you can summon the strength, I would also explain that you very much appreciate the understanding that she has shown thus far, her willingness to open herself up to rebuild trust, her support for what you are going through and acknowledge that the six weeks you referenced earlier were very rewarding for you as well. I think she will be able to understand what you need if you present it that way, but I also think she could use the affirmation that you appreciate and acknowledge her efforts post-PA as well. I think that will help strengthen her substantially while you work through the things you need to work through, which certainly won't be easy. Believe me I know!


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## thompkevin

I agree with tom and cdbaker. You do seem like you want to reconcile, you just don't know how to go about your emotions. Continue MC and work on building the trust again. Start the healing process and also, hang in there, it gets better.


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## biola

There is no timetable on recovery.It is popular around here that a betrayal of this magnitude takes anywhere from two to five years to get over.Right now you are all over the place,so you need some time to clear your head in order to take the best possible course of action under these circumstances. I don't know if its been stated,but does the OM work in the same building with your wife?If you answer in the affirmative then you give her the choice to either expose the affair in her workplace or she quit her job.Her response will let you know how serious she is about reconciliation.One step at a time brother!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dangit

All - thanks for the input/feedback. 

Yes the wife works in the same building/department. She has already started looking for either 1) a new job at a different company or 2) a transfer into another area which has no contact with his group. She maintains that she doesn't want to be with him (and hasn't been with him since the original discovery 7+ weeks ago - I don't have any evidence to the contrary).

I myself am all over the map emotionally and can’t stop the internal rumination on what I know happened and/or what else could have (I have been to one session of IC). Wife is giving me my space and we interact on my terms (we keep it civil in front of the children). I still can’t stand to look at her. We have been both tested for STDs (both negative). We are still sleeping apart, avoiding each other in the house. For now I just need to get my head screwed on straight before I can even think of approaching her to talk R (again)


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## cdbaker

Yes, and get it screwed on quick. You don't have to start trusting her fully today, but here is the deal, if you want the marriage to have a chance, even if you aren't yet positive that you want reconciliation yet, then you need to at least open up a little bit and not keep pushing her away.

A few things our (very good) marriage therapist shared with me three years ago when her affairs came to light, and after the first few weeks where I was unhappy with her commitment level/effort and how unpleasant she was being. Naturally as the victim, I had expected that she would be falling over herself to try to prove her love, her trustworthiness, her willingness to recommit, etc.

He told me that I needed to keep in mind that while her betrayal all but destroyed me emotionally, that she too was facing immense struggles of her own. She had to face me and our young child every day, knowing how much she'd hurt me. She knew our child was old enough to know that something was very wrong between Mommy & Daddy and she was stressing about it. As most of our family and a few friends had found out about it, she had to face the shame and damaged relationships that comes with that. As a Christian, she knew she had sinned grievously. This all made sense to me, but what I hadn't considered (and was very, very difficult for me to accept) was that the fact that in her last affair she had fallen hard for the OM. The therapist told me point blank, "Women more so than men can give their heart to only one man. For the last four months, *you have not been that man*." 

His point was that she had made the decision to end that relationship despite being in love with him and not me at that time. She decided that our marriage was worth it, that our relationship's good times and the love we had shared was worth the effort it would take to overcome the things that made it go south, which led to the affair. In the weeks following the discovery and her ending contact with the OM, she fell into a deep depression. The therapist reminded me that she had to go from the euphoria of an exciting, new, illicitly "naughty" relationship with a guy she'd fallen for, to suddenly losing it in a flash and facing incredible guilt, shame and loneliness herself and from others. 

Imagine any new relationship you've had in the past. You call or text every night before bed, throughout the day, you wake up with a "Good Morning Sexy!" text/call thinking of her, she is on your mind throughout the day and you can't wait to see her next, it's great! Now her formerly daily ability to dial up some dopamine via a text, call or visit with him was now gone instantly. That euphoria/dopamine she got to enjoy is an addictive drug, and suddenly going without can really screw with body chemistry and send someone into depression. She also experienced incredible frustration, because she struggled to look at me without feeling intense resentment for what she was going through. She knew most of it was her own doing so she couldn't exactly blame me for it, but most of her new misery is directly tied to me. In a very real way, she was sacrificing tremendously to return to me and give us another chance.

So ultimately the Therapist suggested that I give her a break and allow her to grief, mourn, heal, etc. in the same way that I needed to do the same. He reasoned that it is understandable that she might react with frustration, ambivalence or hostility to me trying to place additional demands on her too quickly while she is in that post-affair grief stage. Doing so then could cause her to relapse by reaching out to the OM again, or otherwise buckle under the weight of the combined grief and pressure. So yes she needed to open up her privacy to me to rebuild trust, she needed to go to extra efforts to prove her commitment to us, she needed to begin looking to me for her support, etc. but to expect that so soon isn't realistic or fair. He instead suggested that I take the first step towards rebuilding trust, as hard as it might be, by making it clear that I understand what she is going through as well, I'm sorry she has to go through that, and understand that she will need a bit of time before we begin our relationship healing. Yeah it was hard as hell to do, living with her those few weeks knowing that she was crying herself to sleep at times because she missed the OM, or gave her car keys and cell phone to a trusted friend when I was away at work because she couldn't even trust herself to not reach out to him in a moment of weakness. I got through it via prayer, support from friends, and remembering that I did love her and that what we previously had was worth the hurt to have a chance at restoring it.

Sorry for the long back story there, but it does sound to me like your wife may be going through some similar emotions/experiences right now. If so, she might actually be fully committed to restoring the relationship, but just too utterly overwhelmed by the pains of the situation. You might see her react with frustration at your insistence on knowing her whereabouts at all times, having access to her phone or other electronic communication devices/capabilities, requiring her to change jobs, etc. which are all perfectly reasonable expectations under the circumstances and she probably even understands that, but combined with what she might already be going through could just be too much for her to comply with a smile and understanding nod.

Just some food for thought. I think we guys make the mistake of believing we know what women are thinking/feeling sometimes WAY too often and doing so usually has negative consequences, lol.


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