# seperated but confused about marraige



## WhatsLove (Aug 2, 2012)

My husband and I have been together for 20 years, married for 12, and have 2 small children (6 and 9 yrs. old). We were together for a long time before we had kids. When we were younger we spent alot of time partying and hanging out with friends. My husband was and still is a functioning alcoholic. He drinks 12-16 beers in one sitting about 2-3 times a week. He was my first and only when we got married and I believed the drinking would slow down as we got older. I was very NIEVE! We got married in our mid 20's and had children in our early 
30's. After my son was born it became clear that my husband was not going to help me with feeding my son, changing diapers, or bathing my son. He wouldn't even help me by watching the baby so I could take a much needed nap. I worked 40 hrs/week and still had to take care of a premature baby that woke up several times throughout the night. Not once did my husband offer to help me and when I would ask him for help he would flat out refuse. This is when the resentment started. I had helped my husband several times. I helped him get his driver's licence at the ripe age of 27! I helped him get the job he is currently in. I also helped him get his credit in order when we bought our house. I didn't understand why he wouldn't help me. If you truely love someone, shouldn't you care about their well being? Anyway, after my daughter was born he started to help out more and be a better father towards both our kids. He still drank alot, but at least he was offering to help out more. As the kids got a little older I started working on improving my career. Now my job requires that I travel twice a year for about a week. When I have traveled he calls me at all hours of the night in the hotel to make sure I answere. Sometimes when he calls I can tell he's been drinking because I can hear it in his voice. I worry about the kids when he's like that. He constantly accuses me of having an affair with co-workers and he always calls me at my desk throughout the day. When I get home he wants to know who I've been talking to, why I didn't answere my phone when he called, what time I'm leaving work so he can time when I get home. It's become a nightmare!!! He started to become more and more emotionally and physically abusive the past four years. The last time he got drunk he pushed me accross the room and slapped my face. He was trying to get me to admit to having an affair. I've NEVER had an affair! I ended up calling the police but he left before they got to the house. The kids were scared and crying! He thinks I've had an affair because I find it difficult to be intimate with him. He tries to kiss me and I turn my face. He tries to hug me and I can't return the hug. He doesn't understand that all the accusations and ungly things he's said to me the past four years has made me resent him so much, I can't even hug him without feeling disgusted. All I hear in my head are the ugly things he's said to me. At this point I feel like my feelings for him have changed. I feel like I have done so much for this marraige! I pay the bills, do housework, do yardwork, take care of the kids, work 40 hrs a week. I feel like I'm about to break! I don't need that from him. He moved out after I called the police and filed a short term restraining order. Since I dropped the restraining order we've been able to spend time together with the kids. He has said he's "SORRY" many times. He still hopes to move back home once his 12 month lease is up at his appartment. We still haven't had the talk about his drinking. Not sure I want to. At this point I'm not sure I love him anymore. I have more peace of mind when I'm not around him. I'm much more relaxed and happier without him. Still, I feel a little responsible for him, as if he were my child instead of my husband. I'm not sure I can mend this marrage. I know he wants to work on it, but I'm just not sure that I do. Anyone have some good advise? By the way, he refuses to go to a marraige counselor....


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## Patrick1959 (Jul 16, 2012)

Whatslove

Until your husband’s alcoholism is controlled your marriage situation will likely continue to deteriorate. Your best resourse may be Alcoholics Anonymous. If you have leverage with the separation and restraining order it may be possible to use this to get him to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. 

Also has he tried to quit drinking? If he has alcoholic withdraw than he may need to have a physician manage his detoxification/withdraw and this sometimes this requires hospitalization. You may want to speak with your family physician to get help with his alcoholism; this may also provide documentation that may help with leverage to control his behavior as well as to help protect you legally if divorce becomes your only option. 

Also alcoholism does not end when someone quits drinking; the recovery is a long hard journey that demands great effort. Quitting drinking, finding a sponsor who is a recovering alcoholic and beginning a 12 step program is the process that seems to have the best chance for improving the life of an alcoholic and those who love them. 

Below are links to the Alcoholics anonymous web site that has many resources you can read on line. The Big Book and the Twelve Steps are good resources to begin with. 

http://www.aa.org/pdf/products/p-30_isthereanalcoinyourlife.pdf
Alcoholics Anonymous :


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## WhatsLove (Aug 2, 2012)

Thank you for the information. The problem is that my husband doesn't think he has a problem. He demines himself as a "posessive drinker" and not an alchoholic....whatever that means. Thank you for the information. If he doesn't want to go, I know I probably should just to try and understand the disease.


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## miss812 (Jun 17, 2012)

I agree that the alcoholism needs to be addressed first. He has been physical abusive to you - therefore you cannot go back with him until he is sober and has been for at least a year. And that doesn't sound like it will happen any time soon. 

You may get some very useful info at an Al Anon Meeting. Welcome to Al-Anon Family Groups

It sounds like he wants to make things work with you. Would you be willing to work on it if he was sober? If so, give him an ultimatum... get help, or you are going through with the divorce.
Don't be with him just because you feel responsible for him – that is just enabling him. He is a grown man. he will need to hit rock bottom before he gets help and as long as you are around, he will not hit bottom. You need to focus more on his alcoholism than you do on the problems in your relationship, because they stem from his drinking. 

You might also want to consider getting supervised visitation. He doesn’t sound capable of taking care of 2 kids on his own and your kids shouldn't be around that.

Best of luck to you.


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## JayS (Jun 5, 2013)

Patrick1959 said:


> Whatslove
> 
> Until your husband’s alcoholism is controlled your marriage situation will likely continue to deteriorate. Your best resourse may be Alcoholics Anonymous. If you have leverage with the separation and restraining order it may be possible to use this to get him to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting.
> 
> ...


I agree totally. If abstinence, and rigorous follow up (the drinking is really only a symptom of deeper problems) isn't on the table, it likely won't work unless you just accept him the way he is and is going to be. Unfortunately, and I can attest to this as a recovering alcoholic, the illness progresses...it gets worse over time, and it sounds like it's bad enough already for you. AA is a wonderful place, and it works. I went to a treatment home initially...I needed to remove myself from the world just long enough to get a wake up call. But that is not to say that 12 step tables don't and haven't worked for years, because they do. You have a lot on your plate...set boundaries, be firm. Seek out support for yourself, to have the strength and understanding of how to handle this. 

My wife left me with the children. She is still hanging on to our marriage, but it is coming back in small, small steps. She is in counselling herself and talks to AL-alon members...(a group for spouses of alcoholics) She gets immense strength from those resources. I still don't get a kiss when I see her, and sex is not an option. But she tells me she loves me and wants to work it out. Because of those boundaries, I've used the time to focus on my own recovery, and develop a deeper respect for her. I was a good manipulator when I wanted her to see things my way. Most alkys are. Now, the games are off the table. It is a healthy step toward a stronger marriage. 

In your situation, he HAS TO acknowledge that there's a problem. He must become open to at least attending a meeting, counselling, anything. Denial is a deadly force in an alcoholic. If someone can at least put a crack in that wall of denial, then the wall may eventually come down. Suggest that he talk with someone in the field of recovery. Set a boundary that all marriage talks go off the table until he does. Many people enter AA or other treatments simply to get a job back, or the family...they come in for the wrong reasons...but many stay for the right reasons, having been made aware of what they are doing to themselves and loved ones. I hope you are able to find a path in this.


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