# How hurt/mad/sad would you be?



## Cup of Tea (Apr 15, 2020)

I dunno anymore. Maybe I'm being too sensitive, but then again maybe not. How would you have felt in my shoes?

So there's an elbow under the house that has been leaking forever. Mister has been aware of this for well over a year, but he keeps "forgetting." Now that I'm remodeling the bathroom, there is a gap in the floor and the insulation is gone so it can be heard loudly. Trickle trickle on plastic. All. The. Time.

I couldn't take it anymore, so I dove under the house and waged war with the mud, spiders, and wet insulation. 3 hours, $10, and 2 trips to the hardware store later, its quiet. The outside of the pipe is 100% dry. It was one of those barbed fittings that you have to heat the pipe a bit to get it to fit. I am very sore today and my knees are killing me. But its done.

So, Mister's folks were over, and they were just talking and watching TV while I was doing this. He surprisingly cooked chili dogs (he cooks maybe 1-2x a month if that), but when I got all cleaned up and went to serve myself, there wasn't any left. I know he didn't short me on purpose, but jeezus it would have been nice to have a hot meal after a job like that.

On the positive, Burger King has Spicy Nuggets back on the menu. Also, the more capable I am repairing the house, the more grounds I'll have to keep the house in the divorce right? I made some calls just for a consult with an attorney, but everyone is booked for months. I'm also seeking counseling, but need to know what my legal rights are. He is a very capable man, but seems so helpless at home. He does big jobs every now and then, but most of the adulting is left to me. I don't see things getting better and plan on filing at the end of this year, but we'll see what counseling does...


----------



## secretsheriff (May 6, 2020)

Is his behavior a pattern? I am more annoyed that he left you NO food than I am at his procrastination. He seems to send the message that you are invisible or unimportant. How long have things been this way.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Just curious what his excuse is when you talk to him about adulting around the house.

Had he invited his family over before you started the repairs?

He seems very inconsiderate and rude.

My wify does anything like that and I'm running her a bath with salts and serving her fresh fruit in my shorts and nothing else.


----------



## Cup of Tea (Apr 15, 2020)

secretsheriff said:


> Is his behavior a pattern? I am more annoyed that he left you NO food than I am at his procrastination. He seems to send the message that you are invisible or unimportant. How long have things been this way.


Its gotten a lot worse lately. He is pretty tubby with a bad back BUT is always ready and willing to do other stuff at work and his family.


----------



## Cup of Tea (Apr 15, 2020)

ConanHub said:


> Just curious what his excuse is when you talk to him about adulting around the house.
> 
> Had he invited his family over before you started the repairs?
> 
> ...


He gets really defensive: citing the things I haven't done yet (because I should be able to do it all, apparently) or he asks why the teenager can't do it. He pays his mom to do his laundry or stomps around if he does do it. 
You sound like a peach! I would have been happy with a hot meal. Its my house, too and I care about it a lot. I'm happy to make repairs as needed, but its not fair that I do it all.
His family just comes over whenever. We have food, WiFi, and no drama. Lol


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Cup of Tea said:


> He gets really defensive: citing the things I haven't done yet (because I should be able to do it all, apparently) or he asks why the teenager can't do it. He pays his mom to do his laundry or stomps around if he does do it.
> You sound like a peach! I would have been happy with a hot meal. Its my house, too and I care about it a lot. I'm happy to make repairs as needed, but its not fair that I do it all.
> His family just comes over whenever. We have food, WiFi, and no drama. Lol


Yeah he sounds like a big baby which is no fun.


----------



## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

what was his excuse for not saving you any of the food? Did you call him on being so inconsiderate? I sure hope so.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Cup of Tea said:


> Also, the more capable I am repairing the house, the more grounds I'll have to keep the house in the divorce right?


No, wehre did you get that idea from? In a divorce, the assets are simply split. Either the two of you sell the house and split to equity, or one of you buys the other out. This will most likely be a 50/50 split. That is unless, one of you owned the home before you married and/or one of you put your separate asset (cash) as a down payment on the house. The in some jurisdictions you might get credit for whatever was pre-marriage.



Cup of Tea said:


> I made some calls just for a consult with an attorney, but everyone is booked for months. I'm also seeking counseling, but need to know what my legal rights are.


There is a lot of info available online about divorce. Just search for something like "stateName divorce asset split".

There are also books available at places like amazon that cover divorce. Look for a book that is specific to your state.



Cup of Tea said:


> He is a very capable man, but seems so helpless at home. He does big jobs every now and then, but most of the adulting is left to me. I don't see things getting better and plan on filing at the end of this year, but we'll see what counseling does...


You covered this is some detail in your other thread. Has he agreed to counseling? Good luck.









He wants a parade for everything


3 of our 6 outside spigots have been broken for YEARS and I've lost track of how many times I've told my spouse about them. One of them keeps getting broken because he has ran it over 3 times. I love how he says "people need to stop hitting it." I keep the outside water valve shut off so the...




www.talkaboutmarriage.com


----------



## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

*


Cup of Tea said:



He gets really defensive: citing the things I haven't done yet (because I should be able to do it all, apparently) or he asks why the teenager can't do it. He pays his mom to do his laundry or stomps around if he does do it.

Click to expand...

*OMG.

What kind of complete LOSER pays his mommy to do his laundry, or stomps his fat ass around the house having a tantrum if he has to do it himself?

No wonder you want rid of this fool.

If you and Prince Charming can agree on an equitable property settlement, you can do your divorce online by downloading the appropriate paperwork for your state, filling it out, and filing it in your county court house.

Ask me how I know. 😁 😁


----------



## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Cup of Tea said:


> He is a very capable man, but seems so helpless at home.





Cup of Tea said:


> is always ready and willing to do other stuff at work and his family.


@EleGirl has solid info and good advice.

The characteristic you described points to his "reward". I'd guess his work environment respects him for his abilities. His family, mostly out of gratitude, gives the "...atta boy..." when he does it for them.

Let me ask you a question ..... it's a rhetorical question, you don't have to tell me....

Do you really want a divorce ? 

If you don't, this may be quite a simple solve. But, you will have to "fake it to make it".....

You will have to be willing to become a pragmatist. One who, instead of lamenting about what "should be"....simply goes ahead and does what WORKS.

Praise him when he does something you want him to do. Tell him that you admire him for his abilities. Cheerleader.

Your assessment is that "he wants a parade". I think you're right. Up to you.....


----------



## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Cup of Tea said:


> So, Mister's folks were over, and they were just talking and watching TV while I was doing this. He surprisingly cooked chili dogs (he cooks maybe 1-2x a month if that), but when I got all cleaned up and went to serve myself, there wasn't any left. I know he didn't short me on purpose, but jeezus it would have been nice to have a hot meal after a job like that.


I haven't been treated like this... so I can't relate. This part of the scenario alone though, as simple as it may sound, personally has me questioning whether he has your back. You wrote that he didn't short you on purpose... but you weren't considered either. Otherwise he would have set food aside for you, or offered to make you something afterwards. This isn't a stand alone scenario, otherwise it's unlikely you'd be raising it here. Curious though, if you expressed it felt a bit crap?


----------



## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Cup of Tea said:


> I couldn't take it anymore, so I dove under the house and waged war with the mud, *spiders*, and wet insulation.


----------



## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

1st that's awesome you fixed the leak and not so great that he didn't think of saving you some. When you noticed you had no dinner did you mention this to him? Did you ask him to make you something since you worked so hard? 

If so what did he say?


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

You were entirely too nice about this incident. Everyone knew they were leaving no food for you. Not that I would ever be crawling under the house and fixing a plumbing leak; but, if I had I would have been absolutely batshit banshee crazy. His parents would have slunk away in shame and never darkened my doorstep, again. He would be sitting in a corner sucking his thumb. 

Make this loser's life a living hell. You'll be doing the world a favor.


----------



## .339971 (Sep 12, 2019)

He may have not have shorted you on purpose, but they should have been considerate enough to leave you something since you worked while he sat on his keister. It's just rude.


----------



## Cup of Tea (Apr 15, 2020)

Anastasia6 said:


> 1st that's awesome you fixed the leak and not so great that he didn't think of saving you some. When you noticed you had no dinner did you mention this to him? Did you ask him to make you something since you worked so hard?
> 
> If so what did he say?


At the time, his family was over and I did not want to embarass him. I know that would only made things worse. I left for town instead because I was starving. He was asleep when I got back. 
The next night when I made dinner and he came to serve up, I mentioned that there was enough for everyone. He asks what I meant. I said I didn't get any dinner the night before and it would have been nice to ear after all that work. He says "I made more but you'd already left. Sorry." It wasn't genuine or sincere. He ate his dinner and went to bed.


----------



## Cup of Tea (Apr 15, 2020)

Blondilocks said:


> You were entirely too nice about this incident. Everyone knew they were leaving no food for you. Not that I would ever be crawling under the house and fixing a plumbing leak; but, if I had I would have been absolutely batshit banshee crazy. His parents would have slunk away in shame and never darkened my doorstep, again. He would be sitting in a corner sucking his thumb.
> 
> Make this loser's life a living hell. You'll be doing the world a favor.


I am on the hunt for an attorney. Problem is: my stepdad is a predominant attorney in this area, and I know they all talk to each other. And attorneys in the neighboring county wont travel. Everyone is booked out for at least a month anyway. Even just for a consult. 😔
Our other toilet has been overfilling and flooding our bathroom for a few weeks. He bought the part to fix it, then watched TV for 8 hours and went to bed. I fixed it, too. I even helped him with an oil change today. In the rain. Jerk.


----------



## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Cup of Tea said:


> Our other toilet has been overfilling and flooding our bathroom for a few weeks. He bought the part to fix it, then watched TV for 8 hours and went to bed. I fixed it, too. I even helped him with an oil change today. In the rain. Jerk.


Have you ever tried nominating a time to get these things done, along the lines of 'How about we fix it together - what time do you want to do this?'


----------



## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Cup of Tea said:


> At the time, his family was over and I did not want to embarass him. I know that would only made things worse. I left for town instead because I was starving. He was asleep when I got back.
> The next night when I made dinner and he came to serve up, I mentioned that there was enough for everyone. He asks what I meant. I said I didn't get any dinner the night before and it would have been nice to ear after all that work. He says "I made more but you'd already left. Sorry." It wasn't genuine or sincere. He ate his dinner and went to bed.


I can't help but wonder how it would have played out if you had seen there was no food left, and simply asked, 'Hey, any dinner for me?' Rather than fixing things for yourself immediately. I do find it confusing that you didn't feel he shorted you on purpose, yet when he expressed that he made more, that it wasn't genuine. How much do you speak up in the moment? While I'm challenging you a bit with this question, there's no doubt he's missing the mark on several things.


----------



## Cup of Tea (Apr 15, 2020)

heartsbeating said:


> I can't help but wonder how it would have played out if you had seen there was no food left, and simply asked, 'Hey, any dinner for me?' Rather than fixing things for yourself immediately. I do find it confusing that you didn't feel he shorted you on purpose, yet when he expressed that he made more, that it wasn't genuine. How much do you speak up in the moment? While I'm challenging you a bit with this question, there's no doubt he's missing the mark on several things.


I don't speak up at the moment sometimes because I typically get attitude back. So not only do I feel bad about my original problem, but now I have a large man-child huffing and puffing and sighing dramatically, which makes me feel even worse. He reacts worse when I have something negative to say, or when I express that I'm at my limit (this really offends him for some stupid reason) He wasn't always this way, but these last 2 years he has really regressed in his maturity, which has driven me away, but also made him more frustrated. Yet it does me go good to tell him how I feel to begin to fix things. Its a horrible cycle. 
.
And yes, dealing with the spiders and wet insulation was awful!! And the elbow was in a really awkward place. But like my boss says: these situations are "learning opportunities" and I can fix them in the future.The master bathroom has to be torn out next. I'm praying its not as bad as the main bathroom.


----------



## Cup of Tea (Apr 15, 2020)

heartsbeating said:


> Have you ever tried nominating a time to get these things done, along the lines of 'How about we fix it together - what time do you want to do this?'


We used to plan projects and execute them, but then he started asking his family to come over and help, then halfway through the day, ask me about cooking for all of them. I love them and have expressed that I am very uncomfortable with his 60yo mom and 70yo dad doing hard work. He still asks them anyway. 
He will do big stuff maybe 1-3 times a year, usually initiated by myself. And I do give him credit for replacing the well recently (with a cousin, sons, and dad)


----------



## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Why don't you just tell him that his family CANNOT come over until the work is done? I'm SURE he will push back, but tell him that YOU need to have to work completed and not have his family see your house in an unfinished state.
Just keep telling him that and do the work together. IF they do come over (he tells them to come anyway), when they get there, but say politely, "Sorry, I'm not ready to have anyone in the house until XYZ is complete. When it's done, we will invite you over"


----------



## Cup of Tea (Apr 15, 2020)

jlg07 said:


> Why don't you just tell him that his family CANNOT come over until the work is done? I'm SURE he will push back, but tell him that YOU need to have to work completed and not have his family see your house in an unfinished state.
> Just keep telling him that and do the work together. IF they do come over (he tells them to come anyway), when they get there, but say politely, "Sorry, I'm not ready to have anyone in the house until XYZ is complete. When it's done, we will invite you over"


Oh and he will. His folks are so ingrained with our lives, that it would cause a HUGE rift if I gave them the boot, even temporarily. They come up and watch the kids during the day sometimes, and also rely on us when they are low on food, money, or meds. (They have plenty, but have a bad habit of squandering). We share a lot, and I love them dearly, but there's lots of codependency. And we have WiFi! Lol

They even lived with us for a year while they raised their grandkids, and they'd stay with us during the week so the kids could go to our better school, plus watch our littlest one while we worked.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

How long have you been working on this fixer-upper (the house - not the husband)?

Didn't you say your FIL is a prominent attorney? Why are you expected to cover their bases as far as basic living expenses? You need to get out of that family because all involved will just suck you dry.


----------



## Cup of Tea (Apr 15, 2020)

Blondilocks said:


> How long have you been working on this fixer-upper (the house - not the husband)?
> 
> Didn't you say your FIL is a prominent attorney? Why are you expected to cover their bases as far as basic living expenses? You need to get out of that family because all involved will just suck you dry.


We've lived here 8 years. We've made some improvements (removed shag carpet, layers of wallpaper, plus other cosmetics). The house is solid with the worst of it being the water damage in the bathroom (its fixed good now). I'm not vain by any means. This house will never be the Taj Mahal, but its showing some wear and its bothering me. I do not want the best, hottest, and most expensive upgrades, but want to recreate a classic 1950s farmhouse with durable materials that will last and add value.

My step-father is an attorney, but its a small area and they all talk. 

I do love my in-laws, but they can be a burden sometimes. I typically keep a good stock of groceries for when they just stop by. They live 2 just miles away, so its frequent. I do depend on them for childcare and I don't mind helping them. Its kind of like a sitcom sometimes.


----------



## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

You’re not being too sensitive. It was wise to repair that because crawl space humidity levels over 70% can lead to fungus/mold growth.

My wife’s effective strategy to getting me motivated is just to threaten to call a contractor/plumber/electrician to come fix it... the thought of some guy coming into my home, flirting with my beautiful wife, touching my stuff, tends to get me highly motivated and very quickly.

My wife made a plate last night for our unemployed, adult son who was late to dinner because he was playing computer games with friends... it’s just common courtesy to set aside food for those late to dinner... especially if working! I’d recommend you express how hurt you were by that so hubby can planbetter next time.
Very impressed by your plumbing repair... the ladies in my life would never have attempted it!


----------

