# True remorse or a cover for underground affair



## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

My husband and I were trying to R from his EA/PA.

He didn't confess, someone outed him, anonymously. Not sure who.

R was rocky for 4 months than good for two. 

Then, another anonymous letter outs that he is going to strip clubs.

I found this disrespectful given we were in R. 

We separated and trying R. Sometimes he seemed remorseful other times defiant. I was on the fence about divorce but leaning toward divorce because I can not stand myself and the roller coaster of emotions. I am normally a calm trustful person. I hate snooping and being suspicious all the time.

When I confronted him about the strip club he admitted it, and said he was angry at me for keeping close tabs on him and for insisting he stop viewing internet porn.

The fact that he did this as a form of revenge scares me. I have thought about all sorts of ways to be vengeful toward him, but have never acted on any of them. 

For example his best friend is always telling other people that I am "hot". This has gotten back to me numerous times over the years. I hate to admit after learning of the affair I did think about having a revenge affair with his best friend, but quickly realize how immature and pointless that would be. It would hurt my husband, but it would also hurt me emotionally.

Yesterday I ask him for a divorce and tell him I am filing because I can not go through this again and do not trust him to change. He pleads with me to forgive him and to stay in the marriage. He said he loves me and made a mistake and wants things to work out very badly. 

He swears he is not seeing the OW. He swears he will never have another affair. He claims he loves me. He claims the strip club was because he wasn't viewing porn and was nearby and just stopped in for a drink twice.

I am so confused. Am I an idiot to believe any of what he says. 

Any advice?


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

This is a good guide that I found on another site.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

OK, I love the part where it's "your fault" that he's going to strip joints.

My ex used to tell me it was my fault that I was abused..."you make me treat you this way."

Don't fall for it. Make him own his actions.


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

Don't accept his blame shifting. The simple fact that he blames you is a display of no remorse.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

How many times did he use the word "controlling" ? 

Amazing that he claims to want R, but isn't willing to give up his secrecy. Dude just don't get it does he?


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Is this guy for real? he sounds completely immature and I don't sense any remorse. Remorse isn't "I'm going to strip clubs because you won't allow me to look at porn after you caught me having an affair". 

I think you should file for divorce and see if his attitude changes during separation. Go 180 on him hard and if you want to give him just a sense of the paranoia you experience, tell him about the best friend thing.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Thanks all:

Your replies were really helpful.

Complexity:

You asked, "is this guy for real?"

Apparently he was never real.

He was a figment of my imagination. I probably saw in him what I wanted to se. 

I mean seriously, I am an intelligent woman and I am pretty good at reading people. Still my cheating husband had me totally bamboozled. 

I truly thought he was an honest, decent, trustworthy guy.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

It happens to the best of us, Sara. You'll choose more wisely next time! Wishing you all the best...


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Go ahead and file, he then has the waiting period to show through his own actions to be a better H.

How long is the waiting period in your state?

I hear it takes 90 days to finalize a D in CA.

If he is a true quiter, he'll take being served as a finality to the M so he most likely will have the "all is lost mind set" but then again if hes a fighter he could step up. Who knows, but you can always keep pushing the date the D is finalized if he does step up, or even withdraw it.


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## JustMe321 (May 9, 2012)

Sara - 

I've had similar experiences in my R. My WH goes from very sorry, begging pleading...to...well, back to his normal routine. Sometime that routine includes things that should have been throw in the trash when all this exploded. I point this out and get the "fine, I won't have any friends" junk or other blameshifting crap. When I ramp back up to just ending it, the cycle starts again with him begging and pleading and telling me how much he loves me and will 'do anything' to save this marriage. Well then...do it, right?!? 

We just want them to 'get it' and show true remorse. I hear you and know how frustrating it is.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

Sara8 said:


> Complexity:
> 
> You asked, "is this guy for real?"
> 
> ...


You're not the first in this situation, so don't beat yourself up about it. You trusted him to be honest because you were honest. That's what one needs in order to make a relationship work and it is always a risk to trust. Unfortunately, he was fundamentally dishonest. It isn't your fault that you didn't see his lies because he actively hid things in order to foster the image of him that you were seeing. You deserve a relationship with someone honest who wants only you because you seem like a sincere person.


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## BigLiam (May 2, 2012)

I think divorce is the best path for you, Sara. Not just because your h is such an un- remorseful man, but because you seem to fall into the category of the vast majority of BSs. 
In most cases, one never gets past this.
I met a guy, a really handsome, intelligent guy once who told me that despite his wife's alleged remorse, he divorced her(Mori's story is like thi, I think).
he knew himself and knew that in a relationship he wanted to be kind, loving and respectful of his spouse. And, he knew that with her having cheated , it would not be possible for him to have those feeling for her, ever again.
Many of us who visit these forums are deluged with "success "stories of reconciliation, such tat we think it is possible for most. It is not.
Many nice, gracious, forgiving people just do not let go of this particular offense, despite the fact that they forgive easily in other situations.
One has invested so much, the pain is so great, and the cheater knew of the massive trauma. So, in the infidelity arena, getting pat this and reconciling is very rare.
You will find someone better if that is what you want.


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