# I feel like I'm living a lie



## cubwm (Apr 19, 2012)

Ok, a little background. We are both 35, married for 13 years. I feel like I have always been very passive and taken a back seat. I have tried very hard to be the man she wants me to be. But lately, I have felt like I stopped being myself. We have two daughters, whom I love to death and try to be the best dad in the world. Lately, it's like we are a couple of friends trying to raise the kids. Two things lately have really pushed me close to the edge. 

First, her mom moved in. It was fine with me for a while, she was very upset because her mom had a situation, fine, whatever, but I thought by this point (3 yrs. later) she would be gone. Not only is she not gone, I don't think she has any intent to leave. In fact, wife wants to build on to accomodate her. I just want her to move out. I feel that we can't grow as a couple or be intimate when mother in law is sleeping across the hall.

Secondly, I have the potential for a career advancement, but it would mean a potential move. Again, she is unwilling to leave mother in law behind and wants her to move with us. I am against this and she is asking me to tell her mother that I actually want her to move with us so her feelings won't be hurt. If I don't do this, she is unwilling to support me in the career move. 

I just feel like I have lost myself somewhere in here. I don't want to break up for the kids' sake, but intimacy and sex are gone. We maybe have sex once a month.

Am I being selfish to follow my career path? I feel that if I was honest with her and told her how I really feel, she would want me to do counseling, but not couples. She would think I had just been lying and the issue was mine. When I was fixed, come back into the marriage and all will be well.

All advice appreciated, I am not by any means saying I am a victim or that I couldn't use counseling. But, what went wrong?


----------



## thankfulone (Apr 9, 2012)

cubwm said:


> Ok, a little background. We are both 35, married for 13 years. I feel like I have always been very passive and taken a back seat. I have tried very hard to be the man she wants me to be. But lately, I have felt like I stopped being myself. We have two daughters, whom I love to death and try to be the best dad in the world. Lately, it's like we are a couple of friends trying to raise the kids. Two things lately have really pushed me close to the edge.
> 
> First, her mom moved in. It was fine with me for a while, she was very upset because her mom had a situation, fine, whatever, but I thought by this point (3 yrs. later) she would be gone. Not only is she not gone, I don't think she has any intent to leave. In fact, wife wants to build on to accomodate her. I just want her to move out. I feel that we can't grow as a couple or be intimate when mother in law is sleeping across the hall.
> 
> ...


Is there room for compromise? Maybe a home or condo/apt. nearby for the mother in law instead of your house? I can see your side of the story (believe me, been there done that) but I can see your wife being protective of her mother also. Hell, maybe mother in law could babysit giving you guys time to work on your relationship.


----------



## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Some more questions:

1- Why did MIL move in? Health or financial issues?
2- Why is she still there?
3- Why wouldn't your wife agree to marriage/couples counseling?

Thankfulone is spot on with the ideas on how to deal with MIL issue.
You can implement these same solutions if you choose the career advancement path.

You have lots of other issues going on here too that need to be dealt with. Your frquency of intimacy falls under the sexless marriage definition. Are you the one holding back because MIL is across the hall or is it your wife?

Make arrangements somehow for the kids (you should do this not your wife) so that you and your wife can go somewhere for at least a few hours to talk about these issues. When it's all set-up and you've dropped the kids off, approach your wife and tell her that you need to talk. Have a plan where there's somewhere you can go (other than the house) and talk. Perhaps a park?

Tell in a calm non-threatening way that you're concerned about your relationship. Reassure her that you love her and the kids but that lately you feel more like a roommate with her than a spouse and a lover and you miss that. Tell her that you know that you also have responsibility for the current state of the marriage and your willing to work on your issues but that you need to know if she still loves you and that she wants to work on her issues too.

Please notice that I've said nothing about the MIL. Do not bring this up at this point. It will come out eventually (hopefully during a joint counseling session where you have a referee)

Tell her that you want to go to counseling WITH her and if deemed necessary you'd pursue IC too as long as she was willing to do the same.

Good Luck!


----------



## papa5280 (Oct 12, 2011)

The one thing I'm not hearing in your post is anything about actually talking with your wife about what you're feeling. If you feel like roommates raising your kids, no doubt she does too.

You two are partners in the problem. Why not be partners in the solution, too? Sticking your head in the sand and saying nothing is just widening the rift and making an ultimate split more unavoidable.


----------



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

cubwm, your situation definitely sounds frustrating. IMO you definitely need to be able to be yourself... I'm not sure exactly how you and your W will choose together to deal with your MIL, seems you got fleeced on that deal. At some point on your journey to being yourself again I think there will be sort of a manning up process, where you will need to live your life without being on eggshells, where if you want your W you will take her and not care who hears your lovemaking, where you will actually WANT your MIL to feel uncomfortable. It will be a matter of defining your own personal boundaries which you've let slide for too long.

As for your career path, if you think it is the right thing for you, then you must weigh that option heavily into the equation, of course it is often not great to uproot your children, but for many families that works, however until you get past the issues with MIL if you move there will always be resentment towards you that you only moved in order to passively get your way with MIL. If you decide it is the right thing to do for you and your family then at some point you gotta take the lead, but it largely depends on the role your W has in all of this (eg is she a SAHM, does she have her own career? etc).

Also, consider all the benefits that go along with having your MIL there too (eg free babysitting, maybe some good meals, your daughters having a close relationship to their grandmother etc.). If you can learn to be yourself in your own home again even with MIL there, perhaps dealing with her won't even be a problem anymore? If I were you I'd just focus on your relationship with W, have fun with her, make love to her and make it noisy, rock the house and let her mother hear the naughty things you are doing to her daughter (of course this would require a certain amount of courage, maybe of the liquid variety the first couple times).


----------



## cubwm (Apr 19, 2012)

Thank you all for very sound advice. To answer some follow up questions:

1. MIL moved in for health and financial issues. Very poor health, needed some care and exhausted resources due to medical care. However, she is fully recovered and could afford a place of her own.

2. Wife enjoys MIL living with us, they are extremely close. Lots of baggage. Were both devistated when Father in Law left for another woman. Had a close bond, continues still.


I didn't mind MIL living there, but have communicated a few times that I was willing to help find a new place, pay some rent, make a down payment, buy furniture, whatever we could do to assist. But, then the MIL and wife get upset like I don't want her around or like her. It's not that at all, but there's no convincing either one.

As for counseling, we have started down the road a few times. But, wife believes that by not wanting MIL, I have been lying and that I need spiritual counseling.

As for the sexless marriage. It is mostly her not wanting sex. It is my fault for not sharing my feelings, but most of the time, I just don't want the judgement that comes with sharing feelings. I used to be very open and communicate, eventually, it led to lots of judgements about me having unrealisitic expectations, being "dirty" about sexual issues, and needing spiritual counseling to be a better person. I feel that MIL fuels this to a degree.

Again, no question, I need counseling and willing to do the work, but have gotten several statements from her that she is a "Godly wife" and that I should strive to be a Godly husband. Ultimately, her belief is that if I would get spiritual counseling and be a "good Christian", all marriage problems would be solved. Not bashing Christianity, just putting it all on the table. Okay, I know I could do better, but is it worth it?


----------



## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Cub,

i take it you're not as religious as your wife huh? Do Not let her paint you as some type od sec fiend. You two need to get to a marriage counselor ASAP and have it explained to her that regulas relations between a man and a woman are normal and are a significant part of the marriage contract!

I'm sorry but you're in a tough place now. I think at some point you'll have to make a stand and tell the wife that the MIL has to go. You may want to cover this in coenseling though. Remind her that you married her, NOT her mom! You were happy to help out when she needed it but since she doesn't need help any more, it's time to change the living arrangement


----------

