# How does an affair hurt a man's sense of "manliness"?



## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I'm very fortunate to have never been cheated on, nor did I cheat in my 13 years of my first marriage. I'm struggling to understand what infidelity does to a man (who I am dating and whose marriage ended due to multiple affairs). There is such a wall up - I can sense we are at a stalemate. Now that we've become physical (which I know he doesn't take lightly) it seems I'm shut out. I know it must have hurt his self esteem in so many ways and I'm trying to reassure him and make him feel his "manliness" is still intact where I'm concerned... 

As I said, I'm just trying to understand how this 'punch to the gut' changes a man's perception of himself so I can see how to best reassure him there's nothing lacking as far as I'm concerned. I feel his pain; I certainly have lurked and read the raw emotions here.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

I think it probably affects a man's feelings of manliness in the same way it would affect a woman's feelings of womanliness.

I guess his self-esteem would be badly damaged along with his trust in women / relationships.

The best way to deal with this is to boost his self-esteem in every way you know how, and teach him that it is safe for him to trust you. It might take time for him to heal from being so badly betrayed, but with lots of encouragement and TLC it's possible.


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## Bentley'sMom (Jul 10, 2012)

You seem like a very nice, thoughtful person. I am not a man, but I do know that men are more bothered by their partners physical act of betrayal and women more upset by the perceived emotional bond by their partner/spouse and the AP. I guess it boils down to men thinking they some how didn't satisfy their partner in bed enough. This is far from the case, usually, but is how men will perceive it.


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## jeff_r (Aug 17, 2012)

I certainly know how it feels. I've had it happen twice...first & second marriage. 

My story:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/53850-nurses-mortgage.html


First time, I didnt know a lot about what happened (2003/2004). The internet was different then, or I just didnt know how to find information back then. Basically, there were red flags...thought we were working thru them. Then one day she wanted us to be separated, said she was unhappy....the basic script that everyone hears.......I could tell she was distant. Found out she was hanging out with this other guy.....the rest is history.

I took it very hard. I could hardly work. She was my first love & couldnt see life any different. I was a buyer (as Dr Harley puts it) & was willing to do anything for us.

I thought about killing myself....I had everything to do it with. It would have been over in 5 min...no pain. All my troubles would have been gone.

Then I meet some women. I feel somewhat better. They still weren't what I was used to though. I was used to being with...well with her. Anyway...I met my then...now stbxw.


This past time was the worst though. I know everything that went on. We had a troubled relationship. She is very open & talkative about topics that I think are best kept quiet. She didnt like that part of my personality...I'm too shy....not confident enough...etc.
She is loud, extrovert (at least she thinks she is), very open about things in life, etc.

So yeah, it does make a man feel less like a man. I mean my stbxw is already on a dating site with a profile. 
She has sent guys pics of herself.....fellatio of a penis shaped lollipop, pics of herself in babydolls, & even pics of her vagina..with toys, etc

So yeah...I feel like sh*t.


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## Feeling_bad (Aug 18, 2012)

I just had it happen to me recently. Here's my story:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/53927-bad-night.html

It definitely hits a man's ego when a wife strays. For me, I had a wife who was drunk, aroused, and felt the need to get it on with a man. She had her husband (me) right there, but instead chose another man in the house where they sneaked off and I caught them. Made me feel like total sh#t. The fact that she chose another man hurts as much as the deed itself.


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## Bentley'sMom (Jul 10, 2012)

Wow Jeff, I guess you sure know how to pick 'em. So sorry this happened. Rest assured there are good women out there. I was totally faithful to my cheating, lying psycho, he is very average and chubby, I am not. So it has nothing to do with you, it's always their problem. I did feel less of a woman for a while, until I realised it had nothing to do with me or my attractiveness or ability in bed. His new woman is not that attractive at all, but suits his new plan. Part of his disorder is withdrawing sexually and devaluing.
With regards to all of the cheating, sometimes there is a problem with connection and intimacy but most of the time cheaters just want the thrill of something new, something a spouse can never compete with, as they are not new.
So regarding manliness and womanliness, it's rarely about that or the BS, it's more all about the cheater. If you can shift your thinking that way, it hurts less.....
Feelin bad, alcohol has a lot to do with it, but is never an excuse


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

being cheated on destroys your confidence, particularly your sense of sexual prowess

I suggest you make it clear how much he pleases you without sounding condescending, a tough balancing act


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Thanks everyone - it is sort of how I expected. I wanted to make sure I was doing everything I could. I really care about him and it's gut-wrenching to me what he's gone through. I do try to compliment and reassure him in a sincere and direct way so he knows where I stand and how I view him. I hope he can begin to see himself the way I do.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

It killed me to know that my wife had sex with another man and that she was more intimate with him in conversations and pictures then she ever was with me.

It was a hughe blow to my ego. Even worse it was someone I knew and someone I had little respect for.

Sounds like you really want to make it work. Let him know what you like, talk with him but take it slow. Let him know when he rocks your world that he really rocked your world. Yes us men that are former BS are really pretty fragile but we put up a good front for the rest of the world


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Phoenix2012 said:


> How aggressive are you in the bedroom?
> 
> It may boost his confidence and esteem if you really make him feel that you really want him.
> 
> It may make him forget all about that other stuff.


I haven't been very because we've only had sex once. As a single mother I don't get may overnight opportunities and he travels for business. It took him months just to kiss me but I didn't want to push myself on him sensing he wasn't ready. He was holding off on sex even though we came very close a number of times and I was more the pursuer once we got close. In 8 years of single life he's the only man to have given me an orgasm since I was married and I've told him he's amazing.

I want more physically but I don't want to push him away or scare him/overwhelm him. I know he'll be afraid to fall in love but I've known that I love him for over a month but don't want to tell him yet. I think he'll be too afraid of the risk still. But I know he's "the one" - a feeling I've never had, even when I married (too young). 

I'll try initiating that first kiss of the evening next time we're together, thanks.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

mahike said:


> It killed me to know that my wife had sex with another man and that she was more intimate with him in conversations and pictures then she ever was with me.
> 
> It was a hughe blow to my ego. Even worse it was someone I knew and someone I had little respect for.
> 
> Sounds like you really want to make it work. Let him know what you like, talk with him but take it slow. Let him know when he rocks your world that he really rocked your world. Yes us men that are former BS are really pretty fragile but we put up a good front for the rest of the world


Same with his WS. She was sending photos, texting, meeting guys, lying about travel, even kept a list of guys she had sex with. Not to mention he was engaged once prior to his marriage and she cheated, too, with a guy he knew and had little respect for.


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## jeff_r (Aug 17, 2012)

Phoenix2012 said:


> How aggressive are you in the bedroom?
> 
> It may boost his confidence and esteem if you really make him feel that you really want him.
> 
> It may make him forget all about that other stuff.



I guess my situation is different. 

My wife had multiples climaxes when we were together. 
Just about every time we had sex...3-4 climaxes
That was our deal. 

Now, the interesting part is that she has to help herself in order to achieve this. (mainly rubbing herself) 
Its always been that way. 

I tend to think that it might be that she has accustomed herself to having them only that way. She has stated that she always has done this, every since she was a teenager.

For about a year, year & a half....shes been reading erotic literature (50 shades of grey, etc.) She has a lot of them on her kindle. I know this b/c I see the credit care statements from Amazon.com. From what I can tell, she read the stories, gets worked up & masturbates. I've found toys in our couch cushions, when I get back from a long day at work.

What a hell I have been in. 

Her whole complaint about me is that I am passionless. She tells a guy on the dating site that she has been living in a passionless marriage.

I just wished I could find a woman that could talk to me & we could work out a long term solution to meet our emotional needs.


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## Unsure in Seattle (Sep 6, 2011)

To me, it wasn't my "manliness," per se- just more my self worth. I was more confused than anything else... her last EA partner was a skinny, short little nebbish that I could have broken in half if I was that kind of man. Not handsome, not particularly intelligent or witty. Fit, I suppose. Fitter than me,anyway, but there are degrees and there are degrees. Other than that, this bald little nothing WAS nothing. So I was more puzzled than anything else. I was using logic and not reckoning with her innate ability to daydream up romance and whatnot out of the most tenuous of commonalities.

I made me question what I had done and why wasn't I good enough, but I don't think I felt that I wasn't manly enough or anything like that. I'm pretty comfortable in my own skin, and, perhaps more importantly, my own head.


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## StagesOfGrief (Aug 19, 2012)

It sounds like with an ex-fiancee and a wife that cheated on him part of him has probably been partially conditioned to believe that women he gets close to will cheat on him. While it sounds as if it is no fault of his own it is an enormous blow to the psyche. 

It's not just the intimacy, its the lies, the deception, the bullsh*t of a fake life. How far removed from his marriage is he? I've just started the divorce process but I know I wont be ready to date for a year+ because I want to make sure I don't carry the hurt/mistrust from the past into a new and hopefully more positive relationship. 

You sound like a very caring woman. Just continue to be there for him. Reassurance. Be yourself, and if you are as good of a woman as you seem hell come around soon enough .


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

StagesOfGrief said:


> It sounds like with an ex-fiancee and a wife that cheated on him part of him has probably been partially conditioned to believe that women he gets close to will cheat on him. While it sounds as if it is no fault of his own it is an enormous blow to the psyche.
> 
> It's not just the intimacy, its the lies, the deception, the bullsh*t of a fake life. How far removed from his marriage is he? I've just started the divorce process but I know I wont be ready to date for a year+ because I want to make sure I don't carry the hurt/mistrust from the past into a new and hopefully more positive relationship.
> 
> You sound like a very caring woman. Just continue to be there for him. Reassurance. Be yourself, and if you are as good of a woman as you seem hell come around soon enough .


Thanks... a little timeline of second affair(s) - suspected summer of 2011, found travel/receipt inconsistencies and started checking on her since she'd cheated before. Last time they had sex was then. By the end of October 2011 he had absolute proof and they spent Thanksgiving apart but still living in the same house and they wanted to get through the holidays without drama. He found a place and moved out end of Jan/first of Feb 2012. We met online and chatted about everything under the sun for a couple months before our first date in April. Took a couple more months for the first kiss. So it hasn't been a full year yet. I try to remain cognizant of that.


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## StagesOfGrief (Aug 19, 2012)

EnjoliWoman said:


> Thanks... a little timeline of second affair(s) - suspected summer of 2011, found travel/receipt inconsistencies and started checking on her since she'd cheated before. Last time they had sex was then. By the end of October 2011 he had absolute proof and they spent Thanksgiving apart but still living in the same house and they wanted to get through the holidays without drama. He found a place and moved out end of Jan/first of Feb 2012. We met online and chatted about everything under the sun for a couple months before our first date in April. Took a couple more months for the first kiss. So it hasn't been a full year yet. I try to remain cognizant of that.


Everyone has their own timeline to recovery. He seems to have found a very understanding person in you. If he got back out there then he was ready to start part of that process. Make sure you stay true to yourself as well, there is always the possibility he may not be fully ready to let go of the past especially within a year. I wish you the best of luck!


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## river rat (Jan 20, 2012)

Enjoli, I don't think that I ever felt less "manly." For me it was the broken trust issue. I spent some time in counseling to come to grips w/ that. The permanent result is that I will never view "trust" in the same way that I did before. I suggest that you be aware of his damaged ability to trust anyone. Always be open, honest, and transparent. That's what a relationship should be anyway, but it is particularly important to those who have experienced betrayal.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

StagesOfGrief said:


> Everyone has their own timeline to recovery. He seems to have found a very understanding person in you. If he got back out there then he was ready to start part of that process. Make sure you stay true to yourself as well, there is always the possibility he may not be fully ready to let go of the past especially within a year. I wish you the best of luck!


Thanks - not giving him a deadline of a year - I just know that from grief counseling and divorce most psychologists/counselors tell you to take at least a year to process emotions and heal.

I always have been pretty transparent and a "TMI" sort of person anyway so I have no problem being VERY open and reassuring naturally without feeling I've compromised my privacy or that I've had to change to accommodate him. 

I tend to think he was ready to move on when he put himself back out there because he's known for so long and come to terms with his marriage ending well before he physically left the home. I'm patient.


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## Simon Phoenix (Aug 9, 2010)

Yep, I also felt like less then a man because like several others have stated, she showed more passion, lust, desire, and spontaneity in the year-long affair than the previous nine years with me combined. She never sent raunchy text messages to me and ignored the ones I sent her. Yet here she was, sending countless e-mails and texts to him, along with the kind of photos that Hustler would have a hard time publishing without pause. 

How does a man recover his self-worth after having his ego crushed into pixy dust? From what I found out, he was the guy she always wanted to be with because of his looks but could never have. Meanwhile, I was the nice guy who so happen to be there after she just broke up with her fiance. 

From the time I found out about her affair, I've always felt that I was nothing more than a space-filler, the guy who will never fill the shoes of the guy who blew her socks off since high school. I'm in the midst of a divorce and if it wasn't for the kids, I would've left a long time ago...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

Oddly enough, my sense of manliness had not much of a dent in it (although it hurt in so many other ways). It helped that the OM really squeaked upon confrontation.

Another helpful thing in times like that is noticing how women checking you out. Maybe point out (jokingly) to your partner when ladies do that on him.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Interesting question and I think you're showing great patience and understanding

If it helps it took me a long time to trust again

Ive had three long term wife / partner / wife the last two have ended up as serial cheats. Both with big mental issues which no doubt never helped.

After the first it really did knock me sideways. 

I took very obvious steps after the second one to not get hooked up for over a year. I needed a fresh slate and did not want to tar every women with the same brush in terms of trust.

It was actually a very good time for me that allowed me to explore me a lot more rather than dive straight into something.
In terms of losing 'manliness' I would'nt say that, just general confidence and lack of faith in people. I always feel I can be attractive to a woman in a natural way and I don't think my 'pulling' ability was troubled by it all. 

After a year or so I met my current wife and we've had 15 years, 11 married _and she's been cheating for the last 6/7 yrs!!_ 

Divorce is already coming. Bizarrely we 'pacted' to not cheat after my destruction with my serial cheat 2nd partner. She _would never do that_ to me after what I suffered before.

Guess what!

Right now how I can trust another woman again is about as impossible as it can ever get. God knows how I'll approach any kind of 'relationship' situation again - if ever

The fear however of being able to 'keep' a woman has however been heightened to the point of off the scale 

I always had faith in 'love' but whether that remains for me is a mystery 

Hopefully not for your man


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

Hi,

It hasn't (yet!) affected my sense of manliness; almost the opposite because I feel like I am over flowing with aggression much of the time.

The OM had a bigger willy than me but it hasn't even really bothered me in that department.

What bothers me a lot more is what she must have said when she was with him; the sounds she must have made, the fact that she sexted him and hasn't done it for me.

For me, however, it has simply diminished my respect for her. She chose a known liar and philanderer. If that's what floats her boat, then that is up to her. 

The only advice I could give is - don't let him down. I mean, in *nothing*. Even the smallest thing can send me crashing into depression and I know when I find somebody else I am going to be very sensitive to it.

You sound like a lovely person and I hope you two get along and that you are as good for each other as you sound.

Good luck


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

It affects each man differently. In my case, it took me a long time to deal with my stupidity in not seeing the twenty years of wasted efforts in thinking "we" were building something special, together.
Since I have never been considered the brightest bulb on the tree, I have always felt that I needed to put more time into providing financially for "our" family and always felt that my ex had the home front taken care of and would have mentioned anything she felt she needed and wasn't being provided.
When I discovered that she felt that I was so inept at everything other than footing the bill that she needed a series of guys to do it for her, it has taken me quite some time before even considering even dating since I'm the kind of guy who resists making the same mistake more than once.
Enjoliwoman, your toughest task will be gaining his trust.
As far as regaining his feeling of "manhood" goes, that's on him.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Simon Phoenix said:


> Yep, I also felt like less then a man because like several others have stated, she showed more passion, lust, desire, and spontaneity in the year-long affair than the previous nine years with me combined. She never sent raunchy text messages to me and ignored the ones I sent her. Yet here she was, sending countless e-mails and texts to him, along with the kind of photos that Hustler would have a hard time publishing without pause.


:iagree:

This


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