# Women's perspective needed



## stuck in los angeles (Feb 15, 2013)

My wife has a male coworker name Joe she has known for more than 12 years. He's been married for as long as she's known him. My wife and I met 12 years ago at the same job, started dating shortly after. At the time we weren't really serious yet and were talking about people in the office and who's attractive, etc. At the time she mentioned (with emphasis) that Joe was very attractive. 

Fast forward to now after a stressed marriage of 7 years and some extended out of state work last year on her part (and Joe was there too). I started to get suspicious about her interactions with Joe to say the least. She insists she would never cheat, etc. But I noticed that she knows A LOT about Joe and his marriage. So while talking to her about this and reminding her that she one time said emphatically how she was attracted to him, she mentioned that she had told him that she had a crush on him. I asked her when she told him that and she replied that she didn't remember. I know that's bs because if she remembers that she told him then she remembers when, where, the setting, his response and all the details.

My thinking is that women don't tip their hand on something like admitting to a coworker that they have a crush on them for no reason. Since I don't think like a woman, I can only assume she told him to let him know she's interested and open to him. Am I correct? What other reason would a woman do this? Or it leads me to think that they have been together and she told him after being close. I could use some female insight on this.

We've been going to MC and things were better but she's again working out of state and Joe's been there off and on and I feel uneasy about it.

Thanks.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

What does she mean by 'a crush'? Just that she finds him attractive?

I suppose I can see myself telling a guy that I think he's attractive in certain contexts, but I'd be hard pressed to think of one that was purely platonic.


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## stuck in los angeles (Feb 15, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> What does she mean by 'a crush'? Just that she finds him attractive?
> 
> I suppose I can see myself telling a guy that I think he's attractive in certain contexts, but I'd be hard pressed to think of one that was purely platonic.


I don't know what she means by "Crush" other than that she finds him attractive. A thought just crossed my mind just now, that maybe in her mind it means she wants to sleep with him. But I always think the worst. She does have a little bit of a promiscuous history though.

The context of this means a lot. She shut down the conversation when I started to ask when. She will sometimes tell me things that I don't think she meant to and then stop. I need to learn how to get more out of her without being obvious, if that's possible.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

Since you suspect infidelity, I suggest you have this moved to the Coping with Infidelity section. You'll get good advice there, which will probably include spying software to track where she goes in her car and what she types on the computer.

If my husband he told me he had a crush on a woman at work that I knew he thought was attractive and he told her that, I would only conclude one thing - cheating or the intention to cheat. Of course she shuts you down when you bring it up. 

When people are being deceptive or outright lying, they get loud and angry and do what they have to get you off their back.

If I were you, I would really think she was cheating. Sorry, stuck.


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## stuck in los angeles (Feb 15, 2013)

I did a naive thing and asked her last year if she was cheating and mentioned that some of her actions were suspicious. A female friend of mine advised me to just ask. Stupid advise from her as she was married to a serial cheater.

Anyway, my wife is now very careful of what she does keeping her trail clean. If she is cheating, I think they're communicating on company email and company cell phones that I can't monitor. If I can cough up $5,000, I'm sure I can hire a detective but I can't afford that. I'm not privey to know when this guy is out there until he's there and trying to coordinate that whith a detective can get expensive quickly. I can install key loggers on her personal computer. I want her to think I no longer mistrust her so that she gets careless. Even though I make a good salary, I can't afford to live alone (California and child support to my ex) and do love her, so trying to keep it together even though most say to throw in the towel and file.

My gut instinct tells me the worst, I feel that they have had full carnal knowledge of each other. I just do. Many reasons posted in another couple threads here.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

stuck in los angeles said:


> I did a naive thing and asked her last year if she was cheating and mentioned that some of her actions were suspicious. A female friend of mine advised me to just ask. Stupid advise from her as she was married to a serial cheater.
> 
> Anyway, my wife is now very careful of what she does keeping her trail clean. If she is cheating, I think they're communicating on company email and company cell phones that I can't monitor. If I can cough up $5,000, I'm sure I can hire a detective but I can't afford that. I'm not privey to know when this guy is out there until he's there and trying to coordinate that whith a detective can get expensive quickly.
> 
> My gut instinct tells me the worst, I feel that they have full carnal knowledge of each other. I just do. Many reasons posted in another couple threads here.


Have you tried a VAR in her car?

Amazon.com: Sony Digital Flash Voice Recorder (ICD-PX312): Electronics

ooo I just found this one, never seen one like this.
Cool.

Amazon.com: [email protected] Spy Voice Activated Digital Audio Voice Recorder USB Flash Drive Long Battery Life 4GB HQ: Electronics


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Please listen to your gut and do whatever snooping you have to do.


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## Faiora (Apr 20, 2013)

I can think of one reason (other than cheating) that your wife would mention her crush... 

Maybe she mentioned it because it had become more clear he was unavailable, and she no longer thinks of him as crush-worthy. This is actually really common. It has some immature connotations, though. 

The best example: All those guys who find out (after getting married or finally finding a girlfriend) that the girl they liked in high school had a major crush on them. The girl tells the guy herself. Why? Because it's safe to tell him, because he's attached now, and she doesn't have to worry about the possibility of rejection (rejection is assumed if he's attached). 

Could be that.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

What does she know about Jims marriage? Is it rocky? The only time I would have said something like this would be if I was having a converstion with the guy, he was feeling down about his marriage, maybe a bit "put down" by it, but I would have fraised it as "I used to" have a crush on you, just to make him feel better. But no, I don't think I would say that because that is edging on inapropriateness.

If your gut is telling you something, listen to it. You have been feeling this way for a while, what are some of the other things that have happened?


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## stuck in los angeles (Feb 15, 2013)

Joe and his wife fight a lot. My wife said his wife "is a spitfire". His wife likes to spend money and likes to try to wear the pants. He's not letting her run things so they fight a lot. There's a lot she seems to know about him. Whatever I can think of to ask about him, she seems to know the answer. I keep all my email from my wife and I went back through when we were having troubles. I noticed that a couple emails from that time period like jokes she forwarded on to me came originally from him to her and she removed the part in the email where it shows he sent it to her but she forgot to remove the history further down where he was the sole recipient from someone else. Things like that make me wonder what he said to her that she felt the need to remove. This email activity was long before I had any suspicions, so it's like she was covering something up.

Another funny thing is that when she was at a company get together after work at the offsite location, she forwarded a picture to me of the group of 25 coworkers. I mentioned that I know a few of them but don't recognize the others. She listed all the names and also took the opportunity to comment that Joe was wearing "in the awful yellow shirt". Why would she care if he was wearing an ugly shirt? That's something a woman will do if she's with the guy, in my opinion.

When she's in town there's no unexplained time away. So I don't really feel she's doing anything at home but I do wonder if they have a hookup situation going on when offsite. Then again there's a lot of hotels around the office at home. They could be having nooners and I would not know.


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## stuck in los angeles (Feb 15, 2013)

tacoma said:


> Have you tried a VAR in her car?
> 
> Amazon.com: Sony Digital Flash Voice Recorder (ICD-PX312): Electronics
> 
> ...


The VAR's don't have long battery span. It would need to use be connected to the car battery.


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## MsStacy (Nov 11, 2008)

I once had a "crush" on a coworker. It was right before I was married to when I was newly married. The coworker was also newly married. We had many lunches together where we discussed our lives & spouses. I left that job shortly after, which was probably a good thing. I cannot give you a single good reason for your wife telling him she has a crush on him, other than feeling him out to see if he feels the same. (I never "confessed" that to my coworker, but it was clear the feelings were mutual.). I am confused why she shared this with you though. I never crossed any lines but I can tell you it doesn't sound good. Go with your gut.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## memyselfandi (Jan 10, 2012)

They are on a business trip together...people talk a lot amongst themselves..and the bottom line is..people learn a lot about each other.

That by no means make them lovers.

I think you need to learn to trust your wife a little more. Just because she says that she finds a man attractive doesn't mean she'd go out and have an affair with him.

She's married to you. 

Unless you have real reasons to mistrust your wife...let it go.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Are there other things going on with her, or with the two of you, that point to her being unfaithful? Is she pulling away, or changing how she dresses, or acting secretive with her phone? Personally, I have had a crush or two on a coworker in the past, and it meant absolutely nothing. I'm pretty sure everyone has a little crush at some point.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

A polygraph would be cheaper.


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

memyselfandi said:


> They are on a business trip together...people talk a lot amongst themselves..and the bottom line is..people learn a lot about each other.
> 
> That by no means make them lovers.
> 
> ...


Really?
You ever visited the CWI section of this forum? 


stuck in la. Have this thread shifted over to the CWI section. You will get good advice. Things may be deeper than you think, literally.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

BjornFree said:


> Really?
> You ever visited the CWI section of this forum?
> 
> 
> stuck in la. Have this thread shifted over to the CWI section. You will get good advice. Things may be deeper than you think, literally.


I remember the length of these business trips, one month or more, do you really have a marriage? That with the red flags what kind of future do you have? Just sayin.


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## stuck in los angeles (Feb 15, 2013)

tom67 said:


> I remember the length of these business trips, one month or more, do you really have a marriage? That with the red flags what kind of future do you have? Just sayin.


I agree. You posted a lot in my older threads so you're familiar with my situation. I was just looking at the schedule for all the potential work trips they could ask her to go on and there's a lot of them over the next few years. Some of her coworkers are married and travel all the time. Some of them use the opportunity to have affairs too, she's told me of some. It's almost all men in her circle of traveling coworkers which doesn't make me feel any better. 

I've made my mistakes in the marriage, been a bit self centered in my thinking and actions at times. Last year I had a revelation of sorts and started going to church. It has given me the strength to get through all the crap in my life without falling apart. I feel I've made changes in myself to save the marriage and I guess I feel I owe it to her to give her the chance to meet me in the middle. If she has had an affair, I can get past it but only if it has stopped completely. Obviously I cannot tolerate her continuing to carry on if she is.

The funny thing is that when I started making the case with her that there is too much coincidental red flags with Joe for there to be nothing, she told me that even though she did think he's attractive, he's an a-hole and that if she ever did have an affair, it wouldn't be with him. Then months later she lets slip that she told him she had a crush on him. I don't know how much they communicate at work but I have noticed he never misses a chance to text her on major Holidays. I guess he wants to make sure she knows he's thinking of her on special days while he's home with his family.

I think making her take a poly as a condition to continuing to work out of town is what I need to do. Bet she won't like the idea at all.


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## stuck in los angeles (Feb 15, 2013)

So the wife got home yesterday. When I got home after work, she got up off the bed and gave me a hug and kisses but the feeling was not what one would expect from a spouse they haven't seen for over a month. No real passion and she seemed a little apprehensive on approach. Seemed obligatory.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I think it's time to start snooping.


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## LaurenNabi (May 31, 2013)

Yeah, determining if your wife is actually having an affair would take more info than her telling her coworker that she used to have a crush on him. While it was insensitive to your feelings it very well could have been harmless. Sometimes you tell people years later that you used to have a crush on them because like someone else said the threat of rejection is gone because you have moved on. She might have been head over heals with him years ago but got over it because she married you and so years later felt it was harmless to let the cat out the bag about how she used to feel about him. Either way it was still insensitive to your feelings.


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## stuck in los angeles (Feb 15, 2013)

LaurenNabi said:


> Yeah, determining if your wife is actually having an affair would take more info than her telling her coworker that she used to have a crush on him. While it was insensitive to your feelings it very well could have been harmless. Sometimes you tell people years later that you used to have a crush on them because like someone else said the threat of rejection is gone because you have moved on. She might have been head over heals with him years ago but got over it because she married you and so years later felt it was harmless to let the cat out the bag about how she used to feel about him. Either way it was still insensitive to your feelings.


I have two older threads on her behavior. There's lots to be concerned about, many red flags to say the least. This is just the latest issue that taken with prior events only makes me more convinced that something is going on. That in my gut feeling that something was wrong and a lot of long 12-14 hour work days was the starting point over a year ago. Then combine that with extended travel, a sudden need for privacy with her phone, deleting texts, etc., there's a lot of classic red flags.


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