# Help.



## Marguerite (May 11, 2014)

I have been married for 2 years, I am 29 he is 32. Our sex was hot for the first year of dating but he stopped initiating because he said he just wasn't sexual. Yes, I married him because I believed him but 3 months into our marriage I found porn. We went to counseling and things got better but I find that I have to initiate every time we are intimate. He has now put rules on it.. Ex: no sex during my period, no sex if I have had a glass or 2 of wine, no sex leading up to my fertile days. I am hurt and find myself fantasizing about other men... A lot. I can't talk to him about this issue anymore because it makes everything worse. I have stopped initiating and just masturbate when I feel the urge. We are having sex about once a month now. Any advice on what I should do would be helpful.


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

Marguerite said:


> I have been married for 2 years, I am 29 he is 32. Our sex was hot for the first year of dating but he stopped initiating because he said he just wasn't sexual. Yes, I married him because I believed him but 3 months into our marriage I found porn. We went to counseling and things got better but I find that I have to initiate every time we are intimate. He has now put rules on it.. Ex: no sex during my period, no sex if I have had a glass or 2 of wine, no sex leading up to my fertile days. I am hurt and find myself fantasizing about other men... A lot. I can't talk to him about this issue anymore because it makes everything worse. I have stopped initiating and just masturbate when I feel the urge. We are having sex about once a month now. Any advice on what I should do would be helpful.


Interesting how all the conditions about sex are based on your behaviour/condition. Very controlling and abusive. 

Is he still into porn that you know of? 

You can't talk about it because it makes things worse. 

Time to leave. Really it is.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Wow! Sounds like he need therapy because it doesn't sound like he actually got to the heart of the issue.

First, explain that you need him to make you feel like he is sexually attracted to you. Explain to him that you can respect his rules, no sex during period and no sex if you've been drinking, but only if he can step up and initiate often enough to make you feel desired, wanted, and cherished.

Actually, I think you should explain all that, but also insist he get into therapy, maybe with a PhD therapist who also specializes in sex therapy.

Your H may not be a very sexual guy, but it also sounds as if he's got some hang ups. Find out now how workable his sexual issues are NOW! Don't put it off. Years from now, you will be even more miserable.

Life is too short to have bad sex!


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## Marguerite (May 11, 2014)

Thanks guys. He says he doesn't look at porn anymore but who knows. Yes, I feel controlled because of his rules. He spends all of his free time on the internet. We have had a lot of arguments about this but nothing changes. I get no attention from him sexually. We take baths together a lot but I want to be touched. Ugh. This absolutely sucks.


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

Yes it does absolutely suck and you have been married such a short time. 

What is he doing on the internet all that time I wonder. 

Any idea?

How often per week would you like to have sex?


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## Marguerite (May 11, 2014)

Looking up sports stuff as far as I can tell. He is really into sports. He says he isn't comfortable initiating. But now I am at the point where I can't do all the work. His motto is this is the way he is, get over it. I am about done with this situation. I don't think it will ever change.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

There is a book that I think you need to read. What you are going through is not all that unusual.

_Why Men Stop Having Sex: Men, the Phenomenon of Sexless Relationships, and What You Can Do About It_ by Bob Berkowitz and Susan Yager-Berkowitz


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## Marguerite (May 11, 2014)

Is it my fault he won't touch me? Should I back off? I think I do need to read that book.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Marguerite said:


> Is it my fault he won't touch me? Should I back off? I think I do need to read that book.


No it's not you. It's him.

"...in the vast amount of couples consulting me about desire complaints it's the women who want more and the man who always have the headache." [Dr. Bernie Zilbergeld]

Most women in your position think that there is something very wrong with them because, after all we are taught that men are ready to will to have sex at anytime. We are taught that it's women who are low drive (LD) and finding the excuses all the time to avoid sex. These stereo types are just not true. Men are as likely a women to withhold sex.


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

It's not your fault he won't touch you. Rejection is hard to deal with at the best of times. 

I think his motto say's it all. And his actions back it up.


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## Marguerite (May 11, 2014)

What should I do? Should I leave? He makes me feel so unattractive and when I explain this to him he tells me I have low self esteem and I shouldn't let sex intertwine with my self esteem. He does do a good job about making me feel like this is my issue. I was rejected a few months ago and I got emotional and shed some tears. His response was "do you think you need anti-depressants?"


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Marguerite said:


> What should I do? Should I leave? He makes me feel so unattractive and when I explain this to him he tells me I have low self esteem and I shouldn't let sex intertwine with my self esteem. He does do a good job about making me feel like this is my issue. I was rejected a few months ago and I got emotional and shed some tears. His response was "do you think you need anti-depressants?"


I think that you need to leave. Do it now before you have children with him. It's a LOT harder to leave after you have children. 

There is no way for you to know if he is truly LD (low drive) or if he is being passive aggressive and this is just a way for him to punish you. Either way he's being emotionally abusive of you. He is systematically down your self worth.


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## Marguerite (May 11, 2014)

You might be right, Ele. Once he rejected me and then a few minutes later he changed his mind. When I told him no he got mad and said something along the lines of not asking him again or something like that. I immediately thought he was controlling me with sex.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> I think that you need to leave. Do it now before you have children with him. It's a LOT harder to leave after you have children.
> 
> There is no way for you to know if he is truly LD (low drive) or if he is being passive aggressive and this is just a way for him to punish you. Either way he's being emotionally abusive of you. He is systematically down your self worth.


This!

Bottom line, even if you were 100% into saving your marriage it would be a long road and there is no way you can force him to change.


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

He is controlling you with sex. 

Time for you to take the control back.


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## Marguerite (May 11, 2014)

I have thought this for awhile. I wonder why he would want to control me? Every time I bring up fixing our sex life he shuts down and if he opens up he tells me the situation is messed up and the more I talk about it the worse it is for him to want to be intimate with me. At one point he told me he has no desire for me because this has always been an issue with us. "If we always fought about football do you think i would want to watch football?" Was his response.


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

You fight with him about the time he spends on the computer and he still spends time on the computer. 

Why does he want to control you? Why does anyone. 

Usually so they feel superior and love the feeling of power and control. Later he may use it against you. When the time is right. 

When he needs something, or wants you to do something for him, he will work that into you getting sex some how.

And football isn't sex or intimacy. And in a way he is controlling you already, he won't talk about sex because it upsets him and makes him less available for it. He has given you guidelines for sexual behaviour that are unilaterally decided by him. And of course this gives him more time for "sports" on the computer. And you are now afraid in a way to speak your mind. That's kinda like a gag order he's got going. "If you talk about sex, you won't have any" .


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Marguerite said:


> I have thought this for awhile. I wonder why he would want to control me? Every time I bring up fixing our sex life he shuts down and if he opens up he tells me the situation is messed up and the more I talk about it the worse it is for him to want to be intimate with me. At one point he told me he has no desire for me because this has always been an issue with us. "If we always fought about football do you think i would want to watch football?" Was his response.


He wants to control you because he is insecure. People who are abusers use the abuse as a way to control the other person.

He is using passive aggressive tactics to control you. By doing this he can act like he's actually the innocent, aggrieved person here. Look at how he compares what he's doing about sex to watching football. What a load of nonsense. He's comparing your sex life.. an essential part of marriage... to a game people watch for enjoyment. And you bought into it... you want to be reasonable to you buy into this nonsense excuse of his.

Look, if he so asexual or LD, that's fine. No one has to ever have sex in their life. But he owes it to you, as his wife, to be honest. He owed it to you before you two got every far involved to tell you that he has little to no interest in sex. A person who is very LD or asexual should look for a person with matching sex drive to marry. There are even dating sites for asexual people.

But he might not be LD/asexual. He might just find that controlling you is more important to him. Or he might have psychological issues related to avoiding the close bond that sex creates.

Whatever he going on with him, he is not being honest with you. Instead he's making your the culprit. That book I suggested talks about marriages that go through this. There area few in there that remind me of your story. IF you read the book, you will see what your future with him is if he is going. It's not good at all.


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## Marguerite (May 11, 2014)

Thanks for the help guys. I will probably look into breaking this marriage. He won't change or communicate with me. This is my harsh reality but it is what it is. I am only 29 and no children. My best friend has given me the same advice, but I always think this will change. It hasn't and I am still here hoping for a miracle.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I think that you will create your own miracle. It will happen the day you leave him. My point being that we are the only ones who can save ourselves.

Having been through something similar I have a lot of empathy for you. I stayed too long.. way too long. Don't do that to yourself.


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## Marguerite (May 11, 2014)

Ele I would love to hear your story. It might help me in my situation. Would you PM me?


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

Understandably you are hoping for a miracle. He is hoping your sex drive goes away and you are hoping his returns. Which miracle will happen first? 

I only offer this advice having lived with a controlling person for 20+ years. I heard the same things. It affected me deeply. 

I don't hear or take that abuse anymore. Nor do I think about it at all. It is truly liberating.


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## Marguerite (May 11, 2014)

You can PM me too, CanadianGuy. Thanks again for listening.


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