# Parents separating after 40 years-How should I feel??



## FirstYearDown

I am so confused and hurt right now. 

My mother is going to NYC, to take care of my brother after his knee surgery. Last night, my mother told me that she does not know when she is returning. She says that she is tired of my father and the marriage has been unhappy for 18 years, since my father's affair was disclosed. It was November 11th, 1993. The OW's husband phoned us at 3AM and all hell broke loose. I was a twelve year old turned into a divorce researcher and counselor. It was awful. 

I wonder why my mom didn't leave back then. She felt that she was still young enough to go back to school and start her life independently. My mother regretted her early marriage and having four children. 

The scary thing is, my father was silent when she broke the news to him. Apparently, my mom began to ask Dad, what he would do when she was gone over the last few months. 

One of the main issues is that my mother was a very traditional wife, who did 95% of the housework and childrearing. She created a master/servant dynamic in her marriage and in my adolescence, I started to speak up against the way she was being treated. I don't know why Mom only complained about being overworked, yet she never made any changes. 

They only stayed together for the children and subjected us to a dysfunctional soap opera for years. My parents' marriage made me afraid to become a wife. It is a miracle that I met a loving man, who patiently worked through my trust issues.

Does it make sense that I am sad and happy for my mom at the same time? I know that it shouldn't affect me, since I am an independent adult. The shock has given way to grief; is nothing sacred? I always thought that my parents would die married.

I really need help sorting this out. I am pissed that this happened, right after I wrapped up two years of therapy. Now I will need to return, because of all the buried memories coming to the surface.


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## Mindful Coach

I'm so sorry to hear you are going through this. Of course you are going to be upset. They are your parents and even if they had their problems, you still had a great deal of security knowing they were together. This is shaking the foundation of your family whether you are an adult or not, and even if it's for the best or not. You are going to go through all sorts of feelings and they are completely natural and healthy to have them. 

Talking to a therapist at this time would be a great idea. It will help you work through some of those feelings and memories.


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## FirstYearDown

No other responses? 

I guess it has to be a question about children, in order for members to share their thoughts.


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## omega

I really feel for you. My parents have been married for close to 40 years too. They've had their low periods, especially when I was in high school, I really thought they wouldn't make it. My mom also regrets having kids and being a traditional housewife / stay-at-home-mom all her life. My dad never cheated, though. I don't know how she would have handled it if he had. She probably would have left in the middle of the night LOL. I think if they divorced now, it would be really hard for me to handle emotionally. If they divorced over infidelity, I think I would understand it much more easily, because I would do the same.

I can definitely see why you are confused. If she wanted a divorce, why did she wait all these years to do it? 

(Funny side-note: when my parents got married, they had a prenup that said that if they divorced, my dad would keep any kids. This is probably what kept my parents together. My dad REALLY didn't want to have full custody of us without a housewife to do all the work! My mom knew this. I bet that if my dad ever thought about cheating, this one thing would have stopped him!)


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## aug

An affair is one deep betrayal that most people cant forget. It took your mom 18 years to find the right time and courage to leave. She's probably able to do that with your brother's assistance.

I would suggest she be allowed to experience what her life is like now without your father.


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## chattycathy

Just support mom. 
She is doing what she must do as a woman.
She is still alive and kicking and making choices about her life.


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## FirstYearDown

aug said:


> An affair is one deep betrayal that most people cant forget. It took your mom 18 years to find the right time and courage to leave. She's probably able to do that with your brother's assistance.
> 
> I would suggest she be allowed to experience what her life is like now without your father.


Mom doesn't talk to any of my three brothers, the way she confides in me about the marriage problems. 

Of course my mother is allowed to enjoy life as a single woman. I just don't understand why she waited so long. The longer you stay, the harder it is to adjust to life without your marriage partner.


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## FirstYearDown

omega said:


> I really feel for you. My parents have been married for close to 40 years too. They've had their low periods, especially when I was in high school, I really thought they wouldn't make it. My mom also regrets having kids and being a traditional housewife / stay-at-home-mom all her life. My dad never cheated, though. I don't know how she would have handled it if he had. She probably would have left in the middle of the night LOL. I think if they divorced now, it would be really hard for me to handle emotionally. If they divorced over infidelity, I think I would understand it much more easily, because I would do the same. My mother worked full time outside the home. It was a dirty, yet well paid manufacturing position and she was there for 25 years. Mom is very intelligent and she enjoys plays, literature and history. Yet she foolishly married at a young age, instead of chasing her educational dreams. My father does not stimulate her intellectually.
> 
> I can definitely see why you are confused. If she wanted a divorce, why did she wait all these years to do it? She said it was because of her children. I think she was also too scared to be alone.
> 
> (Funny side-note: when my parents got married, they had a prenup that said that if they divorced, my dad would keep any kids. This is probably what kept my parents together. My dad REALLY didn't want to have full custody of us without a housewife to do all the work! My mom knew this. I bet that if my dad ever thought about cheating, this one thing would have stopped him!)


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## Cooper

Sure you're going to be upset over the breakup of your parents marriage, even if you support the decision it's still a big change. I'm not sure why you're so hung up on why she waited till now, her reasons are her own, are you thinking since she stuck it out this long she may as well spend the rest of her days the same, unhappy and miserable? 

Why not just ask her what brought her to this decision at this time?


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## omega

I think it's definitely okay to support her on the one hand, and be sad and hurt on the other. Nothing says you have to be happy about it just because you support her. And you're still allowed to love you dad too!


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## that_girl

I don't know how you should feel as you are grown and still have your parents, they'll just be in different places now.

I was 12 when my mom divorced my stepdad and I was relieved and happy! They were an awful couple.

But I don't doubt that you are shocked and hurt and a little dumbfounded by this. We think marriages that last a long time will always last. however, I would be proud of my mom for doing something for herself and finding happiness...as it's not my relationship, but hers and I wouldn't want to come into the middle of it.


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## FirstYearDown

I haven't gotten involved, aside from listening and offering support to my mother. 

Nobody should live miserably. I just wish my mother was this brave, when she had more life left to live is all. 

I'm not going to bother to contact my therapist. It has been two years and I need to learn to handle my own problems, with the tools counseling has given me.


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## that_girl

Sounds good! How old is your mother?


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## LimboGirl

I recently read an article on the internet about how it is hard on adult children when their parents divorce. It mentioned what an earlier poster said about it shaking your foundation. Also talked about how the parent turns to the adult child for support and how this can be stressful. It was interesting. I think I googled how does divorce affect adult children. You might find it interesting.

My parents have been married for over forty years and are miserable. They have been for years. I still don't know how I would feel about them divorcing. 

I think you just need to give yourself time to feel all the emotions that will come with it.


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## FirstYearDown

Just spoke to my mother tonight. We were talking about that awful night and tears began to fall. I didn't let her know I was weeping. 

My mother mentioned that she "found something" on my father's cell phone, but she would not tell me what the "something" was. When I heard the poor woman say that she doesn't think the OW was the only person he cheated with, it clicked in my head. I strongly suspect that my mother found another woman's phone number or picture in the cell.

I feel a great deal of sadness for my mother. Tonight, she said that she lived in emotional agony for YEARS, because of her kids. Now she feels that she should have taken us and left. She just wasn't strong enough at that time. What a waste of life!


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## aug

She didnt waste her life if your brothers and you turned out to be decent people.


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## FirstYearDown

Thank you for that, aug. We all turned out wonderfully.


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## FirstYearDown

I have recently finished therapy and I need to learn how to handle my feelings independently. I understand your suggestion though.

I told my mother that I lost a great deal of respect for her, when she chose to stay with my father. Now she tells him: "I should have taken my children and left you!" Damn straight!

My father used to yell at us to clean the house, so that we would be distracted while he spoke to his hore on the phone.issed:issed: He had the nerve to imply that I was loose, just because I didn't marry the first man I dated and also when I moved in with my husband. Fool has no response when I bring up the reason he can no longer talk about MY morals. :rofl:

I'm going to write to my father and tell him how his cheating affected me. He does not like to take responsibility for his actions and he is impossible to have a rational conversation with. I don't know what my mother was thinking, when she married such a boorish dumbass.


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