# I have zero desire for my husband



## Anewme

I have been with my husband for 17 yrs and for the past 10yrs I feel no connection at all. He was very emotionally abusive 10 yrs ago and thats when I lost all attraction to him. I would force myself to have sex with him because i felt guilty, like I was being a bad wife. I cannot have sex with him anymore, it makes my skin crawl. I know this sounds horrible, but its how I feel and I want to end it. Does anyone else know what Im going through?


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## Zookeepertomany

I have been there. First before you can even fix it you have to choose the road you want to travel. Road 1 divorce or Road 2 fix it. Once you truly decide which road you want to travel then you can make a plan.


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## trey69

Anewme said:


> I have been with my husband for 17 yrs and for the past 10yrs I feel no connection at all. He was very emotionally abusive 10 yrs ago and thats when I lost all attraction to him. I would force myself to have sex with him because i felt guilty, like I was being a bad wife. I cannot have sex with him anymore, it makes my skin crawl. I know this sounds horrible, but its how I feel and I want to end it. Does anyone else know what Im going through?


Have you ever talked with a counselor about anything that has happened? I'm a firm believer than when someones inner core is damaged, whether its from emotional abuse/mental/ or even physical abuse, I believe that part of them is shut off from the person who hurt them. So its understandable why you might not feel close to him or desire. How are things with him other than the lack of desire you feel for him?


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## IrishGirlVA

I agree with Trey. You have had years upon years of resentment built up. Has your husband been remorseful for the abusive he inflicted upon you? Are there still times when you see that side of him? 

In general, when people pull away from their loved one, it is because they are protecting themselves as opposed to punishing the other. There is something inside of you that is afraid to open back up to him again and be vulnerable. And yes, what he did to you all those years ago is deplorable and disgusting. However, are you able to see the person he is today as opposed to the person he once was? Do you believe he changed? 

If you can't move on from this than do not spend one more day with a man you do not respect and cannot be a wife to. You deserve to find peace and happiness in your life. If you don't have it in you to forgive (and that's OK if you don't) then you need to move on. Hasn't 10 years of misery been enough? 

And yes, I have been been down this road before. I could not forgive so I left. My biggest regret was not leaving sooner. I'm a very happy person today.


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## agreenbough

I think a lot of men don't realize that women need that emotional connection in order to want sex. I have the same problem off and on, because my husband is emotionally unavailable. He probably wouldn't describe himself that way. He'd probably say I'm the one who's emotionally unavailable. But I have become conditioned by him to keep my feelings to myself, which creates distance between us. There was an incident about two years ago where I felt totally disrespected and undefended by him, and things have been different for me since then. Sweeping it under the rug does not make it go away.
No advice, just, I know how you feel.


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## MrK

agreenbough said:


> I think a lot of men don't realize that women need that emotional connection in order to want sex.


So are we going to be taught about it or just continue to be made the scapegoat WHEN it happens?

And it WILL happen. Again and again and again until we start talking about it.


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## agreenbough

We're trying to "teach" you when we try to talk about our feelings and expect an actual exchange. When my husband YELLS at me because he doesn't agree with or understand my feelings, I back WAY off. Not just in talking about my feelings, but physically as well. Do you need to be taught to talk to other people - other than your wife - with respect? No? Then why do you have to be taught how to talk to your wife with respect?? When someone verbally slaps you, do you want ot get all lovey-dovey with them? I sure don't.


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## coffee4me

Anewme said:


> *I cannot have sex with him anymore, it makes my skin crawl*. I know this sounds horrible, but its how I feel and I want to end it. Does anyone else know what Im going through?


Been in your shoes. Honestly, don't know if someone ever comes back from this place. When it gets this bad. I did try, dates etc. but when you have to force yourself to hold someone's hand much less sex. I couldn't get even to a neutral feeling about touching him. I read a lot about relationships and reestablishing a connection but I don't see success stories that go from skin crawling to love making. I had to end it for both our sakes.


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## nogutsnoglory

agreenbough said:


> We're trying to "teach" you when we try to talk about our feelings and expect an actual exchange. When my husband YELLS at me because he doesn't agree with or understand my feelings, I back WAY off. Not just in talking about my feelings, but physically as well. Do you need to be taught to talk to other people - other than your wife - with respect? No? Then why do you have to be taught how to talk to your wife with respect?? When someone verbally slaps you, do you want ot get all lovey-dovey with them? I sure don't.


Individual Therapy, Marriage counseling, or divorce. Those are the options. If you want to fix it go for the first 2 if they do not work there is always option 3.

Rug sweeping until your partner is no longer loved by you is largely your fault. You can't expect people to change just because you are not happy. As you are not unhappy or express it as being un happy all of the time they feel it is not their fault. Bad day, work stress, you feel fat, your getting old and unattractive, its that time of the month, menopause, We guys do not know which to pick and the only way to know the rules of any game is to be given the rulebook. Now this is a 2 way street so guys out there this goes for you as well. I just hear so many woman are "out of love" and claim their needs are not met, yet so many men come on here and talk about the surprise of finding out about an affair and once DDay occurred are told their wife needed to feel wanted, respected, connected emotionally etc... There is a general breakdown that occurs and due to the higher emotional needs of a woman it is largely upon you to communicate those needs to your spouse. If he will not listen you have options. See above..


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## chillymorn

I think when it gets to the my skin crawling stage then its over.


and that happens to both sexes. I've dated women and had it happen to me they just made my skin crawl and at least for me theres no comming back from that.


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## unbelievable

Not trying to be argumentative, but if you haven't been an actual wife for the past 10 years, what are you? Why are you still occupying the position? Wouldn't it make more sense to move on, have the life you want and permit your husband the chance of having a real relationship? He was abusive 10 years ago so you've been emotionally abusive for the past 10 years and intend to continue the practice until death overtakes one or both of you? If he makes your skin crawl, why don't you crawl on out of that relationship? I wonder what he's getting out of this arrangement besides misery.


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## Theseus

Anewme said:


> I have been with my husband for 17 yrs and for the past 10yrs I feel no connection at all. He was very emotionally abusive 10 yrs ago and thats when I lost all attraction to him.


If I understand this correctly, he was abusive 10 years ago, but not since that time? 

If that is true, that is a long time to still hold resentment. If you can't get over it by now, I don't think you ever will. I really don't understand how you could remain married to someone who makes your "skin crawl" unless you enjoy torturing him for revenge.


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## coffee4me

I think that is something that is so hard to understand about people. I did not want to touch my X but we had a long history together and I did care for him. I was there to comfort him through sickness, parents passing and emotionally supported him. I kept the house running and we both loved our kids. Even though I had lost much respect for him and did not desire him sexually. 

He always thought that my withdrawal stemmed from me just being LD. Just like I see many men here say their wife is LD and that's the only problem in their marriage. I often wonder if that's how their wife feels. 

My X was actually happy in our marriage and thought I took great care of him. He told me that after we split. We had talked many times of the things that weren't working for me but his understanding of my issues with him never translated into actions. 

I do wonder though , how did he not know I didn't want him to touch me. How did he not sense my stiffening when he hugged me. He says he never sensed that because he never felt that way about me. I know this hurt him tremendously.  I also know it would have been worse of me to continue the marriage.


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## Thound

End it
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ihavetried

This is ANEWME...I had to change my account info because I got locked out of account. Anyway, let me go into more detail. I left my husband in 2000 and I got my own place for a year, he harassed me the entire year, threatened to kill himself, moved into my apt complex, would sit on my porch at night to see if anyone was coming over etc..etc..I took him back out of pure guilt which I know was SOOOO STUPID AND IDIOTIC!! I did not want him back, however our daughter was four at that time and I could not go on with all this drama he was delivering. Now that my daughter is a senior in high school I feel that I have done my duty as a mother by protecting her emotionally and she will be off to college soon. I do NOT like torturing myself like someone asked on this thread..I have told my husband that I don't have any feelings for him and that I want a divorce. He again started the whole guilt trip thing and he looks so pitiful that I again feel extreme guilt. Let me also say that I come from an abusive upbringing, my father was very abusive to all 5 of his girls (not sexually). I told myself I would never let another man abuse me, I think this is one of the reasons that I cant get over the way my husband treated me. I do forgive him, I just have no feelings for him. And yes he is a changed man and would make a great husband for someone else..


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## Ihavetried

unbelievable said:


> Not trying to be argumentative, but if you haven't been an actual wife for the past 10 years, what are you? Why are you still occupying the position? Wouldn't it make more sense to move on, have the life you want and permit your husband the chance of having a real relationship? He was abusive 10 years ago so you've been emotionally abusive for the past 10 years and intend to continue the practice until death overtakes one or both of you? If he makes your skin crawl, why don't you crawl on out of that relationship? I wonder what he's getting out of this arrangement besides misery.


I have no idea what he is getting out of this arrangement, he doesn't want to let go for some reason. I think I have been such a shoulder for him to lean on that he is scared to lose that. I know it sound dumb to say he was abusive 10 yrs ago, but the damage is done, my heart was broken. I am not occupying the position, I have not wore my ring in 2yrs and I told him to find someone else that can love him the way he deserves, but he refuses to. Guilt is riding my back day and night. I have prayed to God and asked him to let me out of this marriage and give me peace with my decision.


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## Thound

Ihavetried said:


> I have no idea what he is getting out of this arrangement, he doesn't want to let go for some reason. I think I have been such a shoulder for him to lean on that he is scared to lose that. I know it sound dumb to say he was abusive 10 yrs ago, but the damage is done, my heart was broken. I am not occupying the position, I have not wore my ring in 2yrs and I told him to find someone else that can love him the way he deserves, but he refuses to. Guilt is riding my back day and night. I have prayed to God and asked him to let me out of this marriage and give me peace with my decision.


Most likely he still loves you. I know I dearly love my wife even though her love for me is not returned.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ihavetried

I have never talked to a counselor, I acted as my own counselor and decided that total detachment from him was what I had to do. I have (in my mind ) been single for the past ten years.


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## Jung_admirer

coffee4me said:


> Been in your shoes. Honestly, don't know if someone ever comes back from this place. When it gets this bad. I did try, dates etc. but when you have to force yourself to hold someone's hand much less sex. I couldn't get even to a neutral feeling about touching him. I read a lot about relationships and reestablishing a connection but I don't see success stories that go from skin crawling to love making. * I had to end it for both our sakes.*


This statement triggers me. It is NEVER within your purview to decide what is best for your partner. Decide what is best for you, please.


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## Ihavetried

No one is blaming anyone, I was totally in love with my husband, would do anything for him and never thought I would stop loving him. He turned on me and betrayed me..a total 360 which a lot of people tell me was because he was young was afraid of losing his freedom and may have felt that he got himself into something he wasnt ready for. I can understand that, but what I can understand is the verbal abuse, rudeness, making me feel like I was a bother to him and calling me names. I cant accept that someone who says they love me would hurt me that way. I dont love him at all anymore and I am very delicate with his feeling and I would never want to see him hurt. Thats just what you should do for another human being.


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## Ihavetried

I had to change my user name, but this is anewme and no I don't enjoy torturing him. I have asked him for a divorce and he begs and pleads with me not to, I look at him and feel so guilty, like a bad person for being honest. I want to be honest with him and myself, I am sad a lot of the time, I just want to be free from this marriage...


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## Ihavetried

Thound said:


> Most likely he still loves you. I know I dearly love my wife even though her love for me is not returned.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He tells me he loves me so much that he cant imagine losing me. He didn't show this love to me until I told him I wanted out of this marriage 2yrs ago.


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## Zookeepertomany

Than be free and file for divorce.
I don't understand the question, you have apparently made your mind up. Martyr complex suits no one.


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## Thound

Ihavetried said:


> He tells me he loves me so much that he cant imagine losing me. He didn't show this love to me until I told him I wanted out of this marriage 2yrs ago.


Do you think you might be just punishing him for past mistakes?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## A Bit Much

Ihavetried, you don't need anybody's approval to do what you feel you have to do. Not even your husbands. And guilt is such a useless waste of time. Guilty?? Of what? Not wanting to be his verbal punching bag ever again? If you have forgiven him fine, that in no way means you have to stay married to him suffering the rest of your life. If you can't stand him touching you, then you need to go. Don't continue the suffering.


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## Burned

Thound said:


> Most likely he still loves you. I know I dearly love my wife even though her love for me is not returned.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:

I had read in my wifes journal that she cringed when I touched her, I didn't touch her nearly as much after reading that but she just couldn't tell me for some reason that she didn't love me like a wife should until after the EA's and PA's. Better to do it now than to keep putting off the inevitable.


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## Decorum

nogutsnoglory said:


> Individual Therapy, Marriage counseling, or divorce. Those are the options. If you want to fix it go for the first 2 if they do not work there is always option 3.
> 
> Rug sweeping until your partner is no longer loved by you is largely your fault. You can't expect people to change just because you are not happy. As you are not unhappy or express it as being un happy all of the time they feel it is not their fault. Bad day, work stress, you feel fat, your getting old and unattractive, its that time of the month, menopause, We guys do not know which to pick and the only way to know the rules of any game is to be given the rulebook. Now this is a 2 way street so guys out there this goes for you as well. I just hear so many woman are "out of love" and claim their needs are not met, yet so many men come on here and talk about the surprise of finding out about an affair and once DDay occurred are told their wife needed to feel wanted, respected, connected emotionally etc... There is a general breakdown that occurs and due to the higher emotional needs of a woman it is largely upon you to communicate those needs to your spouse. If he will not listen you have options. See above..





coffee4me said:


> I think that is something that is so hard to understand about people. I did not want to touch my X but we had a long history together and I did care for him. I was there to comfort him through sickness, parents passing and emotionally supported him. I kept the house running and we both loved our kids. Even though I had lost much respect for him and did not desire him sexually.
> 
> He always thought that my withdrawal stemmed from me just being LD. Just like I see many men here say their wife is LD and that's the only problem in their marriage. I often wonder if that's how their wife feels.
> 
> My X was actually happy in our marriage and thought I took great care of him. He told me that after we split. We had talked many times of the things that weren't working for me but his understanding of my issues with him never translated into actions.
> 
> I do wonder though , how did he not know I didn't want him to touch me. How did he not sense my stiffening when he hugged me. He says he never sensed that because he never felt that way about me. I know this hurt him tremendously.  I also know it would have been worse of me to continue the marriage.





agreenbough said:


> We're trying to "teach" you when we try to talk about our feelings and expect an actual exchange. When my husband YELLS at me because he doesn't agree with or understand my feelings, I back WAY off. Not just in talking about my feelings, but physically as well. Do you need to be taught to talk to other people - other than your wife - with respect? No? Then why do you have to be taught how to talk to your wife with respect?? When someone verbally slaps you, do you want ot get all lovey-dovey with them? I sure don't.


I personally think these are great posts.

I love this by agreenbough because it highlights the disconnect between how men and woman think, my wife am I still struggle with this after 26 years and raising 4 kids. Her with debilitating MS these last years, and my needing to step up, but I am a better man for having been married to her.

"when we try to talk about our feelings and expect an actual exchange. When my husband YELLS at me because he doesn't agree with or understand my feelings,"

Feelings for a woman = actions for a man.

The man can feel nagged , the woman unloved.

If this goes on, its only a matter of time until the corpse stops twitching. 

Any anger or aggressiveness by the man however slight will damage the relationship here, its not a debate, the wife is invested emotionally in what she is saying.

It often comes off as an unwelcome "expectation" to the husband (ok to me) but its his place to understand that a woman is different than a man and to take what she is saying not just as some random idea that she thinks would be good, she is asking you to be the man she needs. Not talking about being a door mat here, I have been that too, being passive as a male (my hand is up) is very hard on a woman.

Its humbling to admit that I have had to learn, in this regard, how to be a husband from my wife.

If you are passive aggressive or co-dependent in any way it is not something to ignore.

I regret that the op's marriage is at the point it is, there are so many layers to it.

And perhaps so little time.

I wish you well.


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## Ihavetried

Obviously you have no knowledge of being sensitive to others feelings. I have said many times in this thread that he guilt trips me,, I am asking for advise on how to help him let go so I can get out of this. If you are going to be an ass about it please dont respond, I am dealing with and you're not helping..


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## Kobo

Ihavetried said:


> Obviously you have no knowledge of being sensitive to others feelings. I have said many times in this thread that he guilt trips me,, I am asking for advise on how to help him let go so I can get out of this. If you are going to be an ass about it please dont respond, I am dealing with and you're not helping..


Him letting go is not your responsibility. Believe me, he'll live.


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## Thound

Kobo said:


> Him letting go is not your responsibility. Believe me, he'll live.


:iagree:


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## Decorum

Ihavetried said:


> Obviously you have no knowledge of being sensitive to others feelings. I have said many times in this thread that he guilt trips me,, I am asking for advise on how to help him let go so I can get out of this. If you are going to be an ass about it please dont respond, I am dealing with and you're not helping..


 I sure wish this had not fallen behind my post, ha ha.

I think what you have to think about and maybe read on is how a man is wired to protect "his woman" not letting go happens in the animal brain.

There is no rationalizing with it.

He will suffer and hopefully move on, but it will cut deep, it's biology.

He is driven against all logic. He will have to face the reality of it to move on, there is really no way to prepare him for it beyond what you have done.

You need to find a safe place to go dark on him, any contact will only make it harder, and possibly put you in danger.

Just one man's opinion.

I wish you well


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## Thound

I truly wish you both well


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## EleGirl

Ihavetried said:


> I have never talked to a counselor, I acted as my own counselor and decided that total detachment from him was what I had to do. I have (in my mind ) been single for the past ten years.


Then you gave yourself bad counsel. You need to either fix it or leave. What you are doing is wasting both of your lives.

You say that you pray that he finds someone else and lets you go. That's a cop-out. If you want out of the marriage, then YOU get out. He does not have to let you leave. You have the right to leave. So do it or fix the marriage.

And yes your feeling of love can return if you work on it.

Read the books "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Love Busters". They are a pretty good map on how to get that loving feeling back.

You have hung on the anger and hurt for 10 years AFTER things got better. There is only one reason that someone holds on to something like this... because it give them power over the other person. Using it like this is abusive.

Holding on to anger and hurt for years is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die. You are the one who will die (an emotional/spiritual death) from this poison you are holding on to so tightly.


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## Zookeepertomany

No one is insensitive.
The advise is to file for divorce and quit stringing him along. He hurt you years ago, it was a crap thing to do, he apologized AND he changed his behavior, it wasn't good enough for you. He didn't make you take him back, you decided to go back to him. You then you decided to become a martyr. You decide to wallow in your pain and focus on the past instead of the present/future.


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## coffee4me

Jung_admirer said:


> This statement triggers me. It is NEVER within your purview to decide what is best for your partner. Decide what is best for you, please.


I'm sorry something I said triggered you. In the end I did do what was best for me. When I say I did it "for both our sakes" I mean that he never would have let go and it was not good for him to be married to me if I no longer loved him. I had to be the bad guy in every respect. I guess to the people here I deserve to play that role because I was the one that lost love and respect. Even so doesn't mean it didn't hurt like hell. 

I know how the OP feels. She's not looking for permission perhaps just reassurance that she's doing the right thing. Just because you have lost some respect for your spouse and don't desire them sexually does not mean you lose all feeling for that person. So when it comes time to be cold to that person because you have to be firm when they try everything to get you to come back, its very hard.


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## EleGirl

coffee4me said:


> I know how the OP feels. She's not looking for permission perhaps just reassurance that she's doing the right thing. Just *because you have lost some respect for your spouse and don't desire them sexually does not mean you lose all feeling for that person. So when it comes time to be cold to that person because you have to be firm when they try everything to get you to come back, its very hard. *


Yep I'm dealing with this. It's very hard.


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## meson

Ihavetried said:


> Obviously you have no knowledge of being sensitive to others feelings. I have said many times in this thread that he guilt trips me,, I am asking for advise on how to help him let go so I can get out of this. If you are going to be an ass about it please dont respond, I am dealing with and you're not helping..


He is a husband fighting for his marriage. Your the one who is betraying the marriage and his trust. You are the one who is living a lie. You have the power to end it and stop living the lie. Do your husband a favor and leave him now. He needs to know that you are gone and move on with his life.


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## Ihavetried

Zookeepertomany said:


> No one is insensitive.
> The advise is to file for divorce and quit stringing him along. He hurt you years ago, it was a crap thing to do, he apologized AND he changed his behavior, it wasn't good enough for you. He didn't make you take him back, you decided to go back to him. You then you decided to become a martyr. You decide to wallow in your pain and focus on the past instead of the present/future.


Quit calling me a martyr, that is not true of me!! If you had read carefully you would have noticed that I said I had forgiven him, but the damage was done. I don't have romantic feelings for a man that called me an effn ***** and told me he hated me. I'm wired differently then a lot of women..just because I forgive him it doesn't bring back the loving feelings.


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## Ihavetried

meson said:


> He is a husband fighting for his marriage. Your the one who is betraying the marriage and his trust. You are the one who is living a lie. You have the power to end it and stop living the lie. Do your husband a favor and leave him now. He needs to know that you are gone and move on with his life.


Do you need glasses? I clearly said that I told him I don't want this marriage so how am I living a lie??


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## unbelievable

meson said:


> He is a husband fighting for his marriage. Your the one who is betraying the marriage and his trust. You are the one who is living a lie. You have the power to end it and stop living the lie. Do your husband a favor and leave him now. He needs to know that you are gone and move on with his life.


He doesn't have a marriage. He's got a piece of paper, the pretense of a marriage, and a life sentence. When the hearse is heading toward the cemetery, it's going to be a little too late to live....for both of you. If you don't already, there will be a day you wish you had those 10 wasted years back. As sad as that is, 20 would be even more pifitful.


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## Coffee Amore

So what is preventing you from filing for divorce?

You said your daughter is now grown. You don't need to stay with him for her sake. And if I go by the way you write, it sounds like you're in the US, so what's preventing you from filing for divorce? You don't even have to show fault to file for a divorce.

I'm not against you. I just don't understand why you haven't filed the paperwork for a divorce and moved on since the timing now seems right for you.


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## EleGirl

meson said:


> He is a husband fighting for his marriage. Your the one who is betraying the marriage and his trust. You are the one who is living a lie. You have the power to end it and stop living the lie. Do your husband a favor and leave him now. He needs to know that you are gone and move on with his life.


He mistreated her for 10 years. He cheated on her. She's told him who she feels and that she wants a divorce.

Sounds like she's not living a lie. He knows the score. He's not an innocent party here by a long shot.

Neither one of them seem willing to actually file. That's not her doing alone.


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## Plan 9 from OS

EleGirl said:


> He mistreated her for 10 years. He cheated on her. She's told him who she feels and that she wants a divorce.
> 
> Sounds like she's not living a lie. He knows the score. He's not an innocent party here by a long shot.
> 
> Neither one of them seem willing to actually file. That's not her doing alone.


Yes I agree the husband is an ass and has been a terrible spouse. But the problem is that if the OP no longer wants to be married, then she needs to pull the trigger and divorce her husband. As long as she continues to live there and not do anything, then she is living a lie. She can't pray for a divorce and she's clearly not going to get the husband to do it for her. If she wants it, she has to do it. Then, if needed, get a restraining order against the husband coming within 100 ft of her or something.


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## unbelievable

Too pissed to be a wife but too timid to pull the plug. Each of us are completely responsible for who and what we are. If someone is living a fraudulent life, that is on them. You only get one life. If you piss it away, blaming someone else won't give you another day.


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## Ihavetried

Coffee Amore said:


> So what is preventing you from filing for divorce?
> 
> You said your daughter is now grown. You don't need to stay with him for her sake. And if I go by the way you write, it sounds like you're in the US, so what's preventing you from filing for divorce? You don't even have to show fault to file for a divorce.
> 
> I'm not against you. I just don't understand why you haven't filed the paperwork for a divorce and moved on since the timing now seems right for you.


After all these comments..I am going to file! I have waited long enough and I want my freedom from this role Ive been playing.


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## Burned

You should file for your reasons and not from any comments you see here. This is advice from people that have either been in your shoes or you husbands. I know it can be hard advice to follow and nobody really know's your whole story but the advice given here isn't ment to be a personal attack on you. I wish you the best in whatever you decide to do.


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## meson

Ihavetried said:


> Do you need glasses? I clearly said that I told him I don't want this marriage so how am I living a lie??


Yes, I do need glasses. From the point of view of actions you are saying inadvertently that you still want to be together since you haven't left. A lot of men, me included, consider actions more than words. You say one thing and do another. I meant to sound harsh to help you see it as I would of my wife told me the same.

No offense intended. I just think you need to endure the pain and drama sand move on for your sake, not his.


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## meson

EleGirl said:


> He mistreated her for 10 years. He cheated on her. She's told him who she feels and that she wants a divorce.
> 
> Sounds like she's not living a lie. He knows the score. He's not an innocent party here by a long shot.
> 
> Neither one of them seem willing to actually file. That's not her doing alone.


Agreed, he is not innocent at all. In fact he's a jerk but she owns her own actions not his. Her actions of staying contradict her feelings and therefor mislead him into thinking there is a chance of continuing. I consider this an action based lie. Just saying she doesn't want him anymore is not enough. She needs file and end it because he is unwilling to do so.


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## Decorum

Ihavetried said:


> After all these comments..I am going to file! I have waited long enough and I want my freedom from this role Ive been playing.


So you have a plan to end it but no plan going forward but...



Ihavetried said:


> I have never talked to a counselor, I acted as my own counselor and decided that total detachment from him was what I had to do. I have (in my mind ) been single for the past ten years.


Can you complete the saying "A doctor who _ _ _ _ _ _ himself has a fool for a patient."

I think you need to get out of there, being who you are, you will not grow there.

But but but, you way overestimate where you are at as a person.
Your behavior has been conflicted and erratic. You loved him sooooo much and would do anything for him, now your skin crawls because he call you a 8itch. (Yes I know that is not the only reason) but you are mad at the wrong things.

Here is what I mean, when you can look at a person who is an a$$ and say with benevolent indifference "Its him not me" you will have a more mature attitude, (sorry, it sounds condescending, please don't take it that way).

It would be way more easy to walk away under those circumstances, and be relativity guilt free, (but in pain for his pain, yes).

The fact that you are reacting to certain posts indicates that you do not understand YOUR role in this mess. (that is way more than JUST getting back together, last time)

You are trapped in subjective self-examination when objectivity is called for.

I am just telling you that you are not seeing the big picture.
Yes I am thinking like a man, I know you are emotionally invested in this even though you want out.

If I were visiting your home and it caught on fire, and you acted the same way, "I cant leave all this emotionally important stuff, I have to try to rescue it". We would have a VERY straightforward objective talk right before I drag you out of there (respectfully of course).

After you end it the hard truth for you begins, or not.

It will take some time to work through this, maybe this will be a catalyst for him to do the same.

If you are going to file, begin thinking what comes next.

Give yourself some time (and effort). Go to counseling is my advice! (and not one who will coddle you, but will call you out, if not find another)

I am being a bit blunt here but this really makes NO sense...



Ihavetried said:


> Quit calling me a martyr, that is not true of me!! If you had read carefully you would have noticed that I said I had forgiven him, but the damage was done. *I don't have romantic feelings for a man that called me an effn ***** and told me he hated me.* * I'm wired differently then a lot of women*..just because I forgive him it doesn't bring back the loving feelings.


You don't have to justify your feelings.

But from over here it seems some of that "wiring" requires some attention.

I do wish you well, Take care!


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## Jung_admirer

coffee4me said:


> I'm sorry something I said triggered you. In the end I did do what was best for me. When I say I did it "for both our sakes" I mean that he never would have let go and it was not good for him to be married to me if I no longer loved him. I had to be the bad guy in every respect. I guess to the people here I deserve to play that role because I was the one that lost love and respect. Even so doesn't mean it didn't hurt like hell.
> 
> I know how the OP feels. She's not looking for permission perhaps just reassurance that she's doing the right thing. Just because you have lost some respect for your spouse and don't desire them sexually does not mean you lose all feeling for that person. So when it comes time to be cold to that person because you have to be firm when they try everything to get you to come back, its very hard.


...and I should have been more tactful. You have a path to travel and relationship is there by design to support/nurture you Spiritually, Physically, Intellectually, Emotionally & Socially (SPIES). We suffer as individuals when we neglect this self-care. We suffer as parents when we fail to nurture this "otherness" within our children. And relationships suffer when partners are unwilling or unable to support one another with these needs (SPIES).

I am not certain there is a "bad guy" role here, just one that led to disconnection. If you are saying you have no energy to reconnect, that also is not the "bad guy" role. Self-care must necessarily trump all other forms. You need not apologize for that, but you must move through the wake of its repercussions. Painful indeed. Kindest Regards-


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## Theseus

EleGirl said:


> He mistreated her for 10 years. He cheated on her. She's told him who she feels and that she wants a divorce.


Actually, she says he mistreated her 10 years ago, not for 10 years. There is a difference.


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## Ihavetried

There is a whole lot more to this story, however it would take too long to explain. This is not what I wanted when I married him, I never pictured feeling this way. I'm here..its happening to me..I have to make a decision and its scary I'm not even gonna lie about that. Some people on this thread have gotten hung up on the whole "ten years ago" statement. Understand this, it was really bad ten years ago and I left him for a year because of it. He stopped the verbal and emotional abuse, however the connection was lost. I cant tell you the why's and the how's, I can't tell you why I felt an overwhelming need to stay and try to make it work, I just did. I personally think it had something to do with the way I was raised "you made your bed.." type of parenting. At the end of the day it is what it is...


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## agreenbough

I think people got overly hung up on the 10 years ago thing, too. So you can pinpoint when things changed - the time frame really isn't the issue. I had minor issues I just sort of shrugged off for a long time, with feeling like my feelings didn't matter much. But the incident for me that I mentioned earlier when my husband yelled at me in a situation where I was the only person who acted appropriately, and defended people who had behaved like asses towards me, changed things. He apologized eventually for the way he treated me, but continues to defend the other people. And I don't feel cherished by him because of it. He then wonders why I am not as enthusuastic as he thinks I should be. But if I try to explain, he blows me off. "That's all in the past!" Well, no , it's not, because it was never resolved. Nothing gets resolved, and time passes.


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## agreenbough

That's it exactly.


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## VFW

Ihavetried said:


> There is a whole lot more to this story, however it would take too long to explain. This is not what I wanted when I married him, I never pictured feeling this way. I'm here..its happening to me..I have to make a decision and its scary I'm not even gonna lie about that. Some people on this thread have gotten hung up on the whole "ten years ago" statement. Understand this, it was really bad ten years ago and I left him for a year because of it. He stopped the verbal and emotional abuse, however the connection was lost. I cant tell you the why's and the how's, I can't tell you why I felt an overwhelming need to stay and try to make it work, I just did. I personally think it had something to do with the way I was raised "you made your bed.." type of parenting. At the end of the day it is what it is...


You have obviously decided to divorce your husband and whatever the reason, you certainly don't have to justify it to me. However, you did come here for comments so I have a couple for you. 

First you ask (How can I make this easier for him?), the answer is you can't. Bad news never gets better with age, so just make your plan and move decisively. From your time of departure forward, have as little contact as possible with him as is absolutely necessary. The more contact you have the harder it will be for him. He will probably not like you in the long run, but such is life.

Secondly, he was abusive and you left for a year. You say you allowed him to guilt you into returning to the relationship and did self counseling for the next ten years. You may be good at your job, but you are a lousy counselor. It appears that you are projecting a lot of the relationship with your father onto your husband until they became one in the same. It has fester now to the point that even if he achieved sainthood, that he could not be redeemed in your eye. I suggest that you invest in individual counseling so that this does not perpetuate to the next relationship. Also wait until the legal battles are over and the ink is dry on the decree before you take the plunge into another relationship. I hope that with time, counseling and healing that your next 10 years will be better than the last.


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## endlessgrief

Some things just get inside of us and stay there festering, rotting until we can no longer look the other way or wish the verbal/physical abuse away. So we cope. When we cope, we are doing ourselves a great disservice because that is when good old RESENTMENT comes to the party and you are screwed! (or not screwed in this case).;

It's very scary feeling this way about the man you married isn't it? You probably pray your feelings for him may come back but the more things stay the same, the more distant you are going to become, which I am sure you already found out.

I am in the same boat as you are: WELCOME TO THE HELL BOAT MY FRIEND!!!!! After years of neglect and major alcoholism and broken promises, I had to teach myself to deal with it (and lots of therapy). You cannot make someone change and you cannot change strong feelings you have about this matter. 

It's hard to be in a marriage where the connection is lost or broken and the affection is nil. It is very lonely. I know first hand now why people have affairs so they can feel desired and touched again. But that road is full of landmines.

My advice? Get some Astroglide 

If you wish to share more details and just talk things through, I would be happy to talk with you privately because we are going through the same thing. 

Take care!


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## Emerald

OP -

I ended a long marriage where there was abuse. My ex-husband wanted to stay married.

I spent years pleading with him to AGREE to end the marriage together.

You see, it's EASIER that way when the choice is mutual - no one has to be the bad guy, blah, blah, blah.

I don't think your husband will ever agree to divorce you. Stop waiting for it. If you truly want a divorce, you will have to initiate it. It is scary. Your life will change in ways you cannot predict. It takes tremendous courage to start a new life.

I wish you well.


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## Kendra45

I've been there. My husband was emotionally and verbally abusive for 6 year of our marriage and during that time I thought he was a disgusting human being and only had sex because I wanted it (which was rare) or because I felt guilty. If you don't mind me asking, why are you still married? Does your husband know he makes you sick? Have that conversation.


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