# Knowing what to do when....



## cknpro (Aug 6, 2016)

....when you get rejected.

....when you get tested.

....when you can't perform to your expectation.

....when....

I'm just starting to read the "way of superior man" book. It seems I can't get a digital copy so I'll order the paperback, but in the meantime I'm in the free digital sample. I've read Athol Kay's books, I've read Schnarch - Passionate Marriage, NMMNG, and countless others. 

Yet I struggle with recognition and reaction. 

Rejection is my Achilles heel. Hard or soft, subtle or overt. They all throw me a curve that I look like a retarded tee-baller swinging. The few time I am able to make a little contact, it seems to have no effect on the wife. Yet they all seem to get in my head and throw me down path of resentment, shame, self-resentment and anger. I know this is on me. I'm not going to change my wife, nor am I going to change wives. So I do the best I can, but always questioning myself. 

Case in point: last night/this morning. 

Last night sex was in the air and she knew it, though the night got late and I went to bed about 10:30 wiped out from a long day, a vigorous workout and a longer day prior. But she came to bed offering herself and actively working on me. I tried to accommodate and t old her I was wiped out and didn't have much energy to put onto this but I'd do what I could. She didn't seem to mind that and ended up giving me a rather fine BJ on her own initiation. She came back to bed after bringing me a towel and immediately picked up her tablet. I told her that I was going to cuddle with her a little but I couldn't with her doing that. She didn't offer to quit so I rolled over. I felt a little irritated and a little like a failure in that I should have been able to bring the hammer, but I didn't.

So this morning I vowed to myself to take charge of that and take the reins. I started with soft stuff - brought her coffee in bed, woke her up with a back-rub. Then I stayed close and rubbed on her a little while we finished coffee. Then I went in for some more "focused" rubbing. She pulled away and said "that was fine last night, but not this morning, sorry." I was a little put off but not out. Later I followed her into the bathroom and when the opportunity arose, I came behind her and embraced her. Nothing overtly sexual, but as soon as I did, she did the wide eyed sigh thing - which is her way to eye-roll without actually doing the eye-roll. She thinks she can get by without being called out for it that way, but I called her out anyway. It pissed her off, but I didn't back down. I hung around in the bathroom, made a little light banter when she finally said in a feigned humorous tone "you gonna stay in here while I shower and get ready?" That was all I could take. I said "no, I'm gonna leave you alone." Walked out and haven't said another word to her, now she's gone to work. She took my truck, as she expects me to do some work to her's today. I’m ambivalent about that plan now...

I can't help but think I was tested this morning. I can't help but think it is a control
thing going on here. I don't know if I handled it right or not but it was the best thing I could do without hanging around like a sad puppy or getting into an arguement. I felt it was the only way I could take control of the situation. 

But it feels weak and defeated as well. 

Suggestions welcome.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Yes, you disappointed her last night. She went all out to please you. You did not reciprocate 'enough'.

You were spent from your workout. Fair enough, but still overlooked by her. She was miffed.

The following morning you tried to get her worked up, but she had to get to work, this, your timing was not optimum, fair enough.

Timing and communication are your roadblocks to satisfying intimacy. Likely more roadblocks, yet, un-deciphered.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Dude you got a blow job!
Any day that ends with a blow job can’t be bad.
Now you are sulking,why not prepare something for this evenings entertainment and don’t leave all your energy in the gym.


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## cknpro (Aug 6, 2016)

Andy1001 said:


> Dude you got a blow job!
> 
> Any day that ends with a blow job can’t be bad.
> 
> Now you are sulking,why not prepare something for this evenings entertainment and don’t leave all your energy in the gym.



That is indeed a positive way to go forward. Thank you. Negativity is one of my weaknesses, along with impatience. I guess I need to get out in the shop and put this lift on her FJ and when she comes home at noon acknowledging my effort, which she is sure to do, I just act like nothing happened this morning and go forward. Acting like nothing happened has always been the most difficult thing for me. 

Fellow earlier mentioned communication and timing - both good points. I struggle with communication because it seems I either choose too little or too much. It’s been a hard balance. 

My wife has always been a gatekeeper and I’d always been a willing participant in her controlling ways. I’ve been trying to work my way out of that now for a couple years, but progress is slow - did I mention I tend toward impatience....


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

I dunno, it sounds more like you rejected her and are now feeling all butt hurt. Have you considered how she might have felt last night? She tried to get you engaged, but you were wiped out. Wiped out enough to get a blow job and offer nothing in return? My friend, I suggest you reread all of those books again and make an effort to comprehend them.

Rejection is a lesson. Try to learn from it.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Stop crowding her.

Your neediness is the enemy, not your reactions.


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

OP, I have major issues with rejection myself so I certainly empathize with you and with the awful feelings it leaves behind in its wake. It gets compounded and each new experience seems to hurt a tad bit more than the last. I've made some strides and I can tell you I feel so much better overall and the anxiety I used to suffer from as a result of what I perceived as rejection has decreased significantly. 

You will benefit from reminding yourself: IT IS NOT ALL ABOUT YOU, STOP TAKING EVERY THING SO PERSONALLY



cknpro said:


> Rejection is my Achilles heel. Hard or soft, subtle or overt. They all throw me a curve that I look like a retarded tee-baller swinging. The few time I am able to make a little contact, it seems to have no effect on the wife. Yet they all seem to get in my head and throw me down path of resentment, shame, self-resentment and anger. I know this is on me. I'm not going to change my wife, nor am I going to change wives. So I do the best I can, but always questioning myself.


It is great that you recognize the issue outright. What's even more impressive is that you accept that this is on you and not your wife. However it seems you've only been able to accept this at the surface level and are having a hard time putting that acceptance into action. So you've accepted that your sensitivity to rejection is a personal problem which means you need to fix something internally which means your wife is not responsible for this. So what exactly are you doing to fix things besides continuing to interpret and respond to things the same way?



cknpro said:


> I'm just starting to read the "way of superior man" book. It seems I can't get a digital copy so I'll order the paperback, but in the meantime I'm in the free digital sample. I've read Athol Kay's books, I've read Schnarch - Passionate Marriage, NMMNG, and countless others.


These books are excellent reading material for any relationship however your problem is not a relationship problem so I'm not quite certain how helpful these will be to your issue at hand. To understand my issues with rejection and abandonment, I researched these specific topics and explored my childhood experiences that lead to these issues. The latter is a work in progress. Rejection issues stem from childhood so pondering how your childhood contributed to your fears of rejection today will really help you realize that your issues have less to do with the experiences you're being faced with with your wife, and way more to do with unsatisfied needs from decades back (I'm assuming you're decades old lol). 



cknpro said:


> Last night sex was in the air and she knew it, though the night got late and I went to bed about 10:30 wiped out from a long day, a vigorous workout and a longer day prior. But she came to bed offering herself and actively working on me. I tried to accommodate and t old her I was wiped out and didn't have much energy to put onto this but I'd do what I could. She didn't seem to mind that and ended up giving me a rather fine BJ on her own initiation.


I am guilty of going above and beyond to accommodate my partner sexually despite being dead tired and getting super hurt when he has a hard time staying up for me. I'd interpret that as him not caring about me, he doesn't love me as much as I love him blah blah so much negativity, it's draining! Deep down though, I think it was something closer to a covert contract/conditional giving. It was more about me making the extra effort because I was desperate for any and all kinds of affection as a result of my rejection issues and because I was hoping it earn me brownie points for even more affection in the future, than it was about satisfying my partner sexually. So really question your own motives in this situation here OP.



cknpro said:


> She came back to bed after bringing me a towel and immediately picked up her tablet. I told her that I was going to cuddle with her a little but I couldn't with her doing that. She didn't offer to quit so I rolled over. I felt a little irritated and a little like a failure in that I should have been able to bring the hammer, but I didn't.


Cut the indirect crap OP, you should've just asked your wife very nicely to put the tablet down and cuddle with you for a few minutes. Once I discussed my rejection issues with my partner, I decided to stop shooting myself in the foot and just be direct about my needs (when I was certain I wasn't being unreasonable). As a man, you're at a higher risk of really turning your wife off when you get so defeated in a situation like that. That will only increase the likelihood of your wife seriously rejecting you. 

Also, is your wife into cuddling as you are? If not then this is one situation where you could choose to STOP TAKING EVERYTHING SO PERSONALLY and simply accept that your wife just doesn't feel like cuddling and take your sleepy self to sleep.



cknpro said:


> So this morning I vowed to myself to take charge of that and take the reins. *Bring down the hammer? Take charge? Take the reins? Of what? Your rejection issues are blowing this thing way out of proportion in your head. All that happened is your wife didn't want to cuddle, that's it.* I started with soft stuff - brought her coffee in bed, woke her up with a back-rub. *Is your wife's love language 'acts of service'?* Then I stayed close and rubbed on her a little while we finished coffee. Then I went in for some more "focused" rubbing. She pulled away and said "that was fine last night, but not this morning, sorry."*Ok so she told you exactly how she felt, in a non-threatening way. * I was a little put off but not out. Later I followed her into the bathroom and when the opportunity arose, I came behind her and embraced her. Nothing overtly sexual, but as soon as I did, she did the wide eyed sigh thing - which is her way to eye-roll without actually doing the eye-roll. *It may not be overtly sexual but I'm sure she knows you well enough to know what your intentions were. She just said she's not in the mood, no need to keep pushing, that's certainly not going to turn her on. You're going to come across as needy. Needy is not sexy.* She thinks she can get by without being called out for it that way, but I called her out anyway. It pissed her off, but I didn't back down. *Call her out for why? What was that going to achieve. Ok so you try to make a move after she says she's not in the mood? She gets annoyed. You call her out for displaying her annoyance. She gets even more annoyed. Now what? * I hung around in the bathroom, made a little light banter when she finally said in a feigned humorous tone "you gonna stay in here while I shower and get ready?" *You've annoyed her so she naturally doesn't want to be around you plus she's in the middle of getting ready, why stick around and make things even more awkward? Why the light banter, because you feel bad? *That was all I could take. I said "no, I'm gonna leave you alone." Why get so hurt because she asked you to leave? She wants a little space because she's getting ready and things are awkward. Don't take it personally. Walked out and haven't said another word to her, now she's gone to work. She took my truck, as she expects me to do some work to her's today. I’m ambivalent about that plan now...





cknpro said:


> can't help but think I was tested this morning. I can't help but think it is a control
> thing going on here. I don't know if I handled it right or not but it was the best thing I could do without hanging around like a sad puppy or getting into an arguement. I felt it was the only way I could take control of the situation.


Tested how OP? Some people don't fancy cuddling OP. Even despite my rejection issues, I too am not big on cuddling. My partner is the opposite, we had an honest conversation about it. Sometimes I'll engage when I can tell he really needs the intimacy, sometimes I gracefully opt out of engaging. I so appreciate that he doesn't take it personally at all. It avoids a lot of unnecessary bad feelings.

People in relationships wake up in the morning and don't feel like having sex all the time. This is not something unique to you. Doesn't seem like any control issues to me either. 

I'm going to counseling to deal with my issues now. One tool that I've found really helpful in identifying the link between everyday issues I run into and my rejection/abandonment issues is the Thought Record. You can run a google search to read up on it and figure out how to fill it out. It's really help me see that this thing comes up even in the workplace for me and can be so incredibly subtle. I had been torturing my own self by not recognizing my own problems and taking responsibility for my feelings. Yes our feelings are valid but very often our own interpretations/perceptions that result in these feelings, are completely irrational. So a situation that the average person can brush off very easily hurts us deeply and we sabotage ourselves by turning that hurt on the very people who love us, and the cycle continues.

Take charge by taking charge of your feelings and thought processes, not by trying to control your wife.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Keke24 said:


> *People in relationships wake up in the morning and don't feel like having sex *all the time. This is not something unique to you. Doesn't seem like any control issues to me either.
> 
> Take charge by taking charge of your feelings and thought processes, not by trying to control your wife.


Yes, you have morning people, you have evening people.
Some afternoon, some anytime people.

Find out which, rather, each is, and accommodate. 
Share the time zone discomfort and loving exception.

Once into it, time becomes irrelevant.

...............................................................................


And, of course, Mourning people...
People remembering Another, an Ex, or a no longer [with us] person..
Why did I write this?

Some day the Feds are going to pull my Concealed Harry License.


The Typist II- beta testing, still a prototype.


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## cknpro (Aug 6, 2016)

Ynot said:


> I dunno, it sounds more like you rejected her and are now feeling all butt hurt. Have you considered how she might have felt last night? She tried to get you engaged, but you were wiped out. Wiped out enough to get a blow job and offer nothing in return? My friend, I suggest you reread all of those books again and make an effort to comprehend them.
> 
> Rejection is a lesson. Try to learn from it.



I offered to “help her” - she didn’t want it. Last night was not about her wanting it for herself - as it hardly ever is. She accomplished her goal which was me. If she wanted more, that is on her to ask or otherwise let me know. But I asked anyway..


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

cknpro said:


> I offered to “help her” - she didn’t want it. Last night was not about her wanting it for herself - as it hardly ever is. She accomplished her goal which was me. If she wanted more, that is on her to ask or otherwise let me know. But I asked anyway..


You know buddy I’ve just read your other threads,please don’t take offense but you sound like hard ****ing work.
As little as a week ago you were having sex with your wife and using a vibrator and you have another one on order,obviously she is open(forgive the pun) to fun and games because you were also asking about suggestions for sex games.She freely gives you blow jobs which you accepted but didn’t reciprocate and because you just wanted to “cuddle” and she wanted to sleep you are butt hurt.You say your wife isn’t into spontaneity and likes to plan sex,well isn’t she the wife from hell! (Sarcasm)
There are hundreds of guys on this forum who would love to be in your position.Learn to appreciate the wife that you have before some other guy does it for you.


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## cknpro (Aug 6, 2016)

Andy, do I detect a little jealousy?


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

cknpro said:


> I just act like nothing happened this morning and go forward. Acting like nothing happened has always been the most difficult thing for me.




What is your interpretation of what happened that morning? Because to me, it sounds like nothing happened at all.


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## cknpro (Aug 6, 2016)

katiecrna said:


> What is your interpretation of what happened that morning? Because to me, it sounds like nothing happened at all.



Crap mostly in my mind happened. I did get some contemptuous reaction from her. But it wasn't terribly aggregious. 

Sex with us happens freely only when it is her idea and she is in control. Every other time that it is all my idea or initiation, there is almost always some level of friction that happens. This is not new. It is a LONG established pattern. The basic HD/LD dynamic where the LD controls that part of the relationship. I've been bucking the system lately. So I'm hyper sensitive about it. The truth is she took control last night, even though it was good, it was her controlling the situation. 

But we're all good now. I got the lift installed, broke a speed sensor cable, now what was a cost savings effort will probably be a costly fix to a screwup. But....it will all be ok. I'm taking the good advice given earlier.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

cknpro said:


> Andy, do I detect a little jealousy?


Oh yeah I am really jealous of a man who sulks because his wife wouldn’t cuddle him when he was “Too tired” to have sex with her.
Insanely jealous actually.🙄🙄🙄


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

cknpro said:


> Suggestions welcome.


Ya ain't gonna like it but you asked.

You're whiny, needy, and a huge pain in the ass.

There, I said it.

Is it the ALL ABOUT YOU show at your house or something? Spend some time reading around here and you'll see man after man after man crying into his Cheerios that he's stuck in a sexless marriage and hasn't had any intimacy since the Reagan Free Cheese Giveaway and would give his right arm for some passion and sex/intimacy at home. YOU have a wife who not only wants to have sex with you, but actively *initiates* it. You were too tired. Big deal, it happens. But she was still kind and loving enough to settle for satisfying YOU with a BJ, instead. She could have just said goodnight but she didn't. She went the extra mile for you. 

That's the part where you say thank you and shut the **** up and go to sleep. But you were 'irritated' that she didn't want to cuddle. Who the hell wants to cuddle after a BJ anyway? She was still wide awake and the only one who'd been satisfied was* you*, so naturally, you were tired and wanted to cuddle but she was still awake and not ready to lay down. BFD. That's hardly the crime of the century

What is it with you? It's like the ALL ABOUT YOU show over there. It's all about YOU and YOUR feelings and YOUR fear of failure and YOUR needs and YOUR constant desire to bolster your weak self image. It's painfully obvious that that whole morning sex thing was about YOU and feeding YOUR deflated ego. It had nothing to do with her.

I say that because the next morning, you turned into a Stave IV* clinger* and continually had to have your hands on her from the second she woke up, during her morning coffee and then insinuating yourself in the bathroom when all she wanted to do was take a shower and go about her business but there you were, still pawing at her like some horny teenage boy who can't take no for an answer. Jesus, the only thing you DIDN'T do was hump her damned leg. She CLEARLY wasn't in the mood anymore, but you just kept trying to push it because you wanted to 'take the reins' and show her what a stud you are. This was obviously all about YOU and your need to pump up your self esteem because you didn't give a DAMN about how she felt about it. Your need to feed your own damned ego completely overrode your need to respect her boundaries and the fact that she was no longer in the mood.

But the really ridiculous thing is you getting mad at _*her*_ because she wasn't in the mood the next morning!! Did she get mad at YOU the night before when _you_ were too tired? No, she didn't. In fact, not only did she NOT get mad, but she lovingly tended to YOU without any expectations other than pleasing you. And her thanks for that? You turn around the next morning and act like a complete immature ass-hat because YOU had something to prove to yourself and because she wasn't in the mood, she's suddenly the bad guy. This wasn't about sex; it was about *you* feeding your damned ego.

The only one trying to control anyone here is *YOU*. I'm amazed she didn't kick you in the damned 'nads and push you out of the bathroom because there's NOTHING desirable about a whining, needy, clingy little man who can't take no for an answer.

You've got issues. Serious issues.

JMHO, of course.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Ynot said:


> I dunno, it sounds more like you rejected her and are now feeling all butt hurt. Have you considered how she might have felt last night? She tried to get you engaged, but you were wiped out. Wiped out enough to get a blow job and offer nothing in return? My friend, I suggest you reread all of those books again and make an effort to comprehend them.
> 
> Rejection is a lesson. Try to learn from it.


My ONLY regret is that I can only 'like' this post *ONCE*.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

OP, are you seeing a therapist? If not, you might want to explore that option. It really sounds like you could stand to do a bit of work on building up your own self-esteem. Right now, your poor self-esteem is creating a type of narcissism within you. You're so worried that people are judging you, mocking you, disrespecting you, trying to control you, that you automatically assume other people's actions, reactions, behaviors, thoughts, and feelings are all centered on you all of the time. Thus, you're always trying to figure out what things mean in relation to you. 

If your self-respect and self-image were stronger and more stable, you would be better able to tolerate the reality that most people aren't actually that focused on you every minute of every day. Most people, including your wife it seems, really aren't trying to trick, mock, disrespect or control you. Your persecution complex is what's causing you to feel like everything your wife does or says is all about you. Until you get that under control, nothing she does is going to be enough to validate you and make you happy. You need to lean to validate yourself and make yourself happy. She cannot fill that void within you. No one can.


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