# really confused and lost



## lost_ (Mar 6, 2009)

I would like to know where to find that dang instruction manual, it would make things so much easier.
We've been married for close to 10 years now, have two kids, and during this time, things have slowly eroded to the point where she doesn't know what to do anymore.
She is now distant, confused, cold, and only seems to be into the marriage on the weekends which leaves me feeling lonely during the week. Both of us work during the week so the weekends are about the only time we have other than the 3 or 4 hours during the weekday evenings after she arrives home.
A bit of background-
There are tons of issues to deal with but to save you from a wall of text, lets just say we were both taking eachother for granted, constantly arguing, and I became withdrawn from my family. In short, I was a grade-a a**hole, and she was the equal grade b***h.

It came to a head about a month ago and I finally realized where it was quickly headed and we agreed to work on the issues while she works on her lost and confused feelings. I agreed to listen to her issues, go to counciling, give her the time she needs without me hovering over her, not be so argumentitive, etc.. you know, the typical 'macho' guy b.s. thing I was doing before.
The problem is that everytime she comes home from work, she claims that there is so much tension that she feels a separation is needed as it is the only course that could fix the damage. I've put myself in a different frame of mind (more caring and feeling) and that's why I guess I'm not seeing it now. 

Now for the part I'm not understanding. We have yet to go to a councilor together, and she now claims that it wouldn't work anyway and that the separation is the only way to go. I don't want a separation for reasons that fall back on my moral grounds. (To save another lengthy wall of text here, lets just say that for me, absense does not make the heart grow fonder in this sort of scenario)
I've offered to come up with alternative solutions, but when I do, they are never good enough. She admits to not putting 100% of the effort she should have for the last month we have been working to save our marriage, however, I have made such a drastic switch back to what she wants but it feels like she is not noticing, even when I am blunt about it and point it out.
She is so isolated and distant from me now and shows no emotion to me that it feels like we are nothing more than roommates. 
I am trying so hard and it feels like she is just taking it and taking it and not giving anything back because she is so lost and confused. 
I'm not sure what to do next or where to go, and am quickly becoming lost myself. (not even sure if any of what I wrote makes any sense to anyone else.)


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## TIME (Mar 2, 2009)

Don't feel too lost, your story is a common one. I don't know if this will help you or not, but I was the one who asked my ex for a separation and then shortly following that, a divorce. I had started individual counseling and realized so much about myself that I had been ignoring. He did not like that I was becoming more myself again. We then had 2 group sessions together with both of our individual counselors present and it couldn't have been more uncomfortable for me. I felt like a wild animal being cornered by hunters. That was the end of that. 

I have a hard time understanding when people are slow to make decisions. I totally understand getting to the bottom of your feelings and weighing out all possibilities, but in reality, I believe we all know exactly what we want and need, but are often afraid to say it out loud, therefore living life under false pretenses. LIE

I KNEW when I told him we needed to separate that it was over. I had no desires towards him at all, I had no issues with him seeing another woman, I felt only friendship towards him which is all the further it should have ever gone in the first place but I was young and stupid and made some decisions that I will be paying for the rest of my life.

If you have a passion for your wife and she had a passion for you, try counseling. Gary Smalley has some great couples stuff. I hope this was helpful. I am just at the point in my life where I woke up to the fact that this life is short, and everyday lived in a lie, is a wasted day I could have been happy. We all deserve to be happy.


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## lost_ (Mar 6, 2009)

Well, I got a text message from my wife earlier this afternoon as I was leaving work saying "I have the kids".
I called her to tell her I was on my way home and she said "We're not there, we left".

Well, after the emotional tidalwave hit me and subsided, I managed to call and talk to her and she told me it was a separation and that she was living at a friends house and waiting until she gets paid next week to get an apartment.

She took off with my kids!
I pointed it out that it was wrong of her to go about doing it the way she did, and she agreed, but that doesn't stop the pain. The sheriffs department called her and said that she can't deny visitation, so at least I can see my children. 
She's coming home in a few to talk to me and let me see my kids. 
Hopefully we can set some guidelines for the separation, and work through this to be able to get back on track.
All I know is that I love her and I love my children. 
I feel like someone just reached into my chest and pulled out every organ in there. So much pain.


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## TIME (Mar 2, 2009)

lost_ said:


> Well, I got a text message from my wife earlier this afternoon as I was leaving work saying "I have the kids".
> I called her to tell her I was on my way home and she said "We're not there, we left".
> 
> Well, after the emotional tidalwave hit me and subsided, I managed to call and talk to her and she told me it was a separation and that she was living at a friends house and waiting until she gets paid next week to get an apartment.
> ...


well that was a very uncaring way to go about it for sure. I'm sure you are shocked and hurt. Sitting down and discussing it together would have been the way to go about it. But she has done it by herself. 

At this point, if you love her and feel like there is a chance to work things out, I would focus on asking her what she needs and what it would take from her point of view for things to improve. I say this only because if you focus the conversation on what YOU want and what YOU need, it will repel her from you. What you need and want is absolutely important but right now she needs to know that you care most about what she needs. Just a suggestion.


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## lost_ (Mar 6, 2009)

And that helps more than you will ever know.
It probibly just saved me from spouting off and saying something in the heat of the moment (Which I'm sure will happen anyway) that would have repelled her even further.

I miss them already.

We've been talking for the last month about what she needs and what I need and I think I came to the conclusion faster than she did about turning things around and working on them. Thats why it was a shock that this happened.
In hindsight, it was coming though, I guess I just didn't want to believe it actually would. You know, ignore it and just continue on with the hopes that it would just go away.

I'm just as shocked as everyone else about her sudden decision and execution of her method of leaving, and I know already that I'm going to be angry about that for a while. I guess I should bury that feeling until we are back on stable ground and wait until then to approach it and what it meant to me?

Right now I feel as if the pain is never going to stop and it's only going to get worse, but the logical side of my mind says that I know I have to be strong and carry through with this for her benefit.
I do love her and am still in love with her, and I really do hope that this is just a 'cooling off' period to let the dust settle so we can fix the broken areas and make or lives complete again. 
I've read so many horror stories about separations that were nothing more than a front for a divorce and that scares the living hell out of me to the point where I am scared to read any more stories on here about separation and trying to relate them to my situation in an attempt to ebb the flow of tears.


Edit - Well, We sat and talked until midnight and she headed back to her friends house for the night, but we are spending the day together tomorrow as a family and continuing to talk.
I may be counting my chickens before they hatch, but I have to admit this may have been what was needed all along. Not only are we agreed to work through the issues, but if it keeps up like the way it went tonight, she's coming back soon and we will continue to make things better.
I did give her the 'insistant' option of her coming back and if need be, I can move out. This was done strictly for the kids though. Once the 'newness' of the situation wears off, I know it is going to hit my children hard and I do not want to put them through that. So like I said, I gave the option that they move back, and I can move out and into a condo as a temp. measure. I'll still pick the kids up after school, and even stay at our home to eat dinner, but then head out for the night after that to give my wife the time and space she needs.


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