# My wife and I only have good sex if she has been drinking



## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

My wife and I have been married 20+ years and basically have a good marriage but we rarely ever have sex unless she is drinking. On the rare chance that we have sex without her drinking, it is anticlimactic at best. She barely participates at all. If she has been drinking the sex is usually mind lowing. This does not happen often and tends to upset me when it does as I see no reason why the sex cannot be good with out alcohol.

Last night she got real drunk and tried to throw her self at me. I got upset and turned her away which got ugly fast. My only saving grace is that she was so drunk that she really dose not remember it to clearly. I have tried to discuss it with her but she does not want to and said I'm making a big deal over nothing. I know as a guy I should just be happy with sex any way I can get it, but this bothers me. 

Any one with similar situations or possible advise.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

I'm not sure what you are upset about. I know that when I have been drinking the sex with my wife is usually better. I get more into it and I worry less about my hangups with her. I wish she would drink a little more often and then use the same approach.


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## rush (Mar 29, 2013)

Well I kinda have same thing, wife never initiates sex with me, I usually have to ask which feels like begging to me. The last time she was drunk I was going to get lucky and she ended up hugging the toilet. Advice? I was hoping for some too as I have tried everything.....before you get married usually there is all kinda sex and then after your are latched it seems they don't feel the need. Our anniversary is next month and I bet it would be fine with her if there was no romance involved.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Perhaps she needs the alcohol to lower her inhibitions. Maybe something in her upbringing causes her to view sex as dirty or wrong, so she has to mute that filter.

Still, it's a problem that she drinks so much - is it possible that she's an alcoholic?

Anyway, alcohol can sometimes result in better sex for us, but often it's just as good without.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

I think your wife has a problem with alcohol and if it means getting sloppy drunk to get better sex, then you have a choice. Either let her drink herself into oblivion for sex or get her some help. Honestly, who wants to have sex with a sloppy drunk.


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## NewHubs (Dec 23, 2012)

My wife is more frisky after driving a few glasses of wine


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

I know a few women like this, that are unable to relax enough or lower their inhibitions enough to have good sex without alcohol involved.

I don't think I would care for only getting to have sex if my husband was drunk enough. I think I would take that personally - so I don't imagine it feels any better on the other side (to a husband.)

I find with myself, if I have been drinking the sex is more adventurous and more primal. If I have not been drinking it is much sweeter and more intimate. These days I have come to prefer the intimacy - but also this intimacy is a new thing to me /us.

Perhaps its time to strive for something new with her? (And also time to address her drinking.)


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

My wife was only capable of having sex with me after drinking. It was devastating to me that she could only face the idea of sex with her husband if she were intoxicated, and only on Saturday nights at 10 o'clock.

It turns out this is due to her childhood sexual abuse.

Before marriage the sex was frequent and very good. She was unrestrained and seemed to really enjoy sex. Alcohol definitely helped loosen things up sometimes, but it was not at all necessary. But then after the wedding it all changed.

If your wife has always always been like she is now, I agree with the comment Married But Happy made, your wife probably has some kind of toxic shame regarding sex. But if your wife was different before the wedding then I think it may go deeper and be related to some kind of sex abuse or other significant abuse in her childhood.


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

My wife is like this. If she's had a few glasses of wine, she can get a bit horny. She even admits that she needs to drink to have sex. Problem is, she won't drink because of the kids (meaning that she doesn't want to be drunk if they wake up overnight or hungover the next day). 

We would have good regular sex before marriage, so now I think it's partly self-esteem issues (she's a bit overweight, not too much), and mostly the fact that she could care less if she has sex at all. 

Last real good sex we had was a few years ago on vacation when we went to dinner (this is pre-kids), she had a few glasses of wine, and when we got back to our room, she tore off her clothes and we went at it. Doubt that will happen anytime soon, if ever again.


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## ScrewedEverything (May 14, 2013)

MissScarlett said:


> I know a few women like this, that are unable to relax enough or lower their inhibitions enough to have good sex without alcohol involved.
> 
> I don't think I would care for only getting to have sex if my husband was drunk enough. I think I would take that personally


I think this about sums up the issue most of the time. I know a few glasses of wine can be like flipping a switch for my wife. Now, I could take that personally but I don't. I think the cause of this behavior is, as Scarlett says, the alcohol helping my wife get past the inhibitions, self-consciousness, everyday cares, or whatever is that keeps people from getting freaky. Therefore the "problem" is more hers than mine. It's not like she's saying you're so damn ugly she has to get so drunk that she can't see you clearly before she can get it on with you. That would be something to take personally.

Not trying to trivialize the issue. If she will never do it without being snockered, something's wrong. It's something wrong that affects you greatly but it's not something wrong with you. Counseling might be called for but I just find it cheaper to keep a lot of wine around the house.


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

ScrewedEverything said:


> I think this about sums up the issue most of the time. I know a few glasses of wine can be like flipping a switch for my wife. Now, I could take that personally but I don't. I think the cause of this behavior is, as Scarlett says, the alcohol helping my wife get past the inhibitions, self-consciousness, everyday cares, or whatever is that keeps people from getting freaky. Therefore the "problem" is more hers than mine. It's not like she's saying you're so damn ugly she has to get so drunk that she can't see you clearly before she can get it on with you. That would be something to take personally.
> 
> Not trying to trivialize the issue. If she will never do it without being snockered, something's wrong. It's something wrong that affects you greatly but it's not something wrong with you. Counseling might be called for but I just find it cheaper to keep a lot of wine around the house.


Agree with this. My wife does see a counselor, but I think they spend more time chewing the fat then actual counseling. 

I don't take it personally either. In our case, my wife just doesn't have a sex drive, and could go the rest of her life without sex and be perfectly content.


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## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

drinking makes me horny too. My H plays along, makes fun of me and sometimes fulfills my lusty advances.

I love sex when I'm tipsy. It seems to be more wild and passionate.

I say bottoms up and enjoy!!


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

A few drinks to drop the inhibitions and relax: all good.

Getting bombed and sloppy: problem. 

There is a line that I (or my husband) can cross with alcohol, beyond which our behavior is no longer "sexy" to the other person.


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

She does not have a drinking problem. Most nights she has a glass of wine and that's it. This year there have only been three times when this occurred, last night being the third and the worst. But in her defense, we buried her mother yesterday who had been sick for a long time and I think getting drunk was actually good for her to unwind a bit. My daughter actually told me "dad you should have just screwed her and dealt with it". You gotta love it when your kids get old enough to discuss your sex life with them. 

I don't believe that she has to get drunk to have sex with me. She is just tightly wound and I think it relaxes her enough to put other things aside and actually want sex. Whatever the reason I would love it if she could do that more often without drinking.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

GettingIt said:


> A few drinks to drop the inhibitions and relax: all good.
> 
> Getting bombed and sloppy: problem.
> 
> There is a line that I (or my husband) can cross with alcohol, beyond which our behavior is no longer "sexy" to the other person.


She crossed that line last night. But it was not the norm.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DesertRat (May 1, 2012)

My best advice is to keep the liquor cabinet stocked.


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

Wow! His wife can only be herself in bed after drinking and people think this is ok? I'd be pissed!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## omgitselaine (Sep 5, 2013)

I guess with the alcohol and loss of some inhibitions ..... sex does feel better when one can just umm " let loose " and enjoooy without worrying about being prim and proper 

With that said umm which bottle of wine am I going to be chillen for tonight


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

Rayloveshiswife said:


> But in her defense, we buried her mother yesterday


Uh, yeah, she gets a pass on this one.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

I have no issues with someone loosening up with a drink. When it is necessary for them to drink in order to have sex, I think it is a problem.

Perhaps you two should see a marriage counselor. She probably could benefit from IC but you'll never convince her of it.


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## DesertRat (May 1, 2012)

Sbrown said:


> Wow! His wife can only be herself in bed after drinking and people think this is ok? I'd be pissed!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If all it took was a drink or two to get into my wife's pants i'd be ecstatic.


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## rush (Mar 29, 2013)

DesertRat said:


> If all it took was a drink or two to get into my wife's pants i'd be ecstatic.


agreed


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

Why do you want to have sex with someone that obviously doesn't want to have sex with you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Despite being raised in a theocracy that views liquor as evil, drinking is something my wife enjoys and it does improve sex considerably...


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

Sbrown said:


> Why do you want to have sex with someone that obviously doesn't want to have sex with you?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


With all due respect, you can kiss my ass. She is my wife and I love her. D is not an option for me the way it is for most people. I am also open to the idea that her problems may have been cause at least in part by me and as such can hopefully be fixed in time. 

I must say I am thankfully for the advise and opinions I have received here, but the members that are willing to throw everything away when conditions are not as they want them without even so much of an attempt to mend the marriage, makes me sick. I'm in this for better or worse. 

Sorry for the rant
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

Now a little catch up and about last night. I have been changing the entire way I approach and treat me wife. I have a problem with lack of assertiveness and always apologizing for everything. Last few days I have been trying hard to be asertive and not accept fault for everything, and last night she told me out of nowhere that she noticed a change in me and she liked it. That put me on cloud nine instantly. 

About last night. We drove to the beach to meet my step mother at my parents condo. The evening was wonderful and my wife really seemed to be relaxing a bit. After going out to dinner we all came back to the condo and watched TV and she had ONE drink. 

Before I finish let me say that my wife has unstated rules for having sex. It does not happen where other people can here us. It almost never happens at other people's houses and can never happen in someone else's bed. This is just the way she is. But last night was different. We slept in my parents bed. When we got in be she said she had planned on making love but the last minute trip to the beach changed things. I told her I was not taking no for an answer and started to pationately kiss her and then kiss her neck and nibble on her ears. She instantly melted and it was on from there. Although it was tonned down because our room was right off the living room and others were still up, it was awesome. Only time will tell if we have turned a corner or if this was a fluke. 

I love my wife
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

That would make me melt...


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## accept1 (Sep 23, 2013)

Sbrown said:


> Why do you want to have sex with someone that obviously doesn't want to have sex with you?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Although I wouldnt put it quite like that it is possible that your wife thinks you are 'using' her for want of a better word. She doesnt like being 'used'. As long as she is sober she puts up resistance. She doesnt want to make it 'easy' for you. She may not refuse you but does her best that you shouldnt enjoy it. 

There is not much you can do about it. No amount of explanations and counselling will help. There is a lack of love and she also doesnt usually know why. 

This wont improve so you have to decide your options. You can really 'drug' her every time.


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## cheese puff (Jul 24, 2011)

Thor said:


> My wife was only capable of having sex with me after drinking. It was devastating to me that she could only face the idea of sex with her husband if she were intoxicated, and only on Saturday nights at 10 o'clock.
> 
> It turns out this is due to her childhood sexual abuse.
> 
> ...


I was going to say the same thing my wife is the same way and she was abused.


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## 40isthenew20 (Jul 12, 2012)

Having a few drinks usually loosens most folks up, especially LD spouses. It's not a must, but a few drinks gets my wife in the mood more and she gets a little more kinky with the booze push.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

gbrad said:


> I'm not sure what you are upset about. I know that when I have been drinking the sex with my wife is usually better. I get more into it and I worry less about my hangups with her. I wish she would drink a little more often and then use the same approach.


Maybe it's the fact that the woman he loves wants no intimacy with him unless she's too bombed to think straight.

That's a bit bothersome.


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

Rayloveshiswife said:


> With all due respect, you can kiss my ass. She is my wife and I love her. D is not an option for me the way it is for most people. I am also open to the idea that her problems may have been cause at least in part by me and as such can hopefully be fixed in time.
> 
> I must say I am thankfully for the advise and opinions I have received here, but the members that are willing to throw everything away when conditions are not as they want them without even so much of an attempt to mend the marriage, makes me sick. I'm in this for better or worse.
> 
> ...


Lol I can kiss your azz? Really? No need to be upset at me for pointing out the obvious....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

It would be great if she was able to voluntarily remove the mental barriers that alcohol allows her to do, but currently she does not know how. As long as she doesn't have to get can't see straight drunk to want to have sex with you, I don't see a problem. If alcohol gets her into "party mode" where she wants to bang you, why complain?


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

treyvion said:


> If alcohol gets her into "party mode" where she wants to bang you, why complain?


In my mind with my wife, and perhaps the OP's mind with his, the issue is that she may not want to bang me. She is girding herself to be able to tolerate it. As if there is something fundamentally unpleasant about it, but she will do her duty once she numbs her mind sufficiently.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Now that I'm thinking about it, XW only did it if she had her fair share of 2-3 afternoon Seagram's Ice, early evening ration(half-bottle) of Beringer White Zinfandel, and late night half-bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, all under her belt!

Simply put, if she wasn't drinking ~ she wouldn't do it! And sometimes she just got too mellowed-out to even give it a try!*


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

The oftentimes frigid Dr. Mrs. LD may use alcohol to "get in the mood" but considering the amount involved (say a bottle of wine between the two of us) and the duration of the activity (2 hours..... Not bad for a stage IV LD ) I do not think she's Beyond during the key parts of the program. 

Scientific study of more alcohol has not resulted in improved desire or frequency so we leave it at that.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Rayloveshiswife said:


> Now a little catch up and about last night. I have been changing the entire way I approach and treat me wife. I have a problem with lack of assertiveness and always apologizing for everything. Last few days I have been trying hard to be asertive and not accept fault for everything, and last night she told me out of nowhere that she noticed a change in me and she liked it. That put me on cloud nine instantly.
> 
> About last night. We drove to the beach to meet my step mother at my parents condo. The evening was wonderful and my wife really seemed to be relaxing a bit. After going out to dinner we all came back to the condo and watched TV and she had ONE drink.
> 
> ...


This makes sense. You took her off the hook by saying you would not take no for an answer. Sge wanted this from you. To be assertive. But is sounds like she has some real issues around sex. This explains why she needs to drink or needs you to take charge.

So a little wine is fine ... but continue to take charge. She likes it. You took her off the hook.

I am assuming she does not drink socially when you are not around. I would keep that a boundary.


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## bbrad (May 30, 2012)

I wish my wife would smoke pot, man that lady is wound up tight. But only ten months out of the year.


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