# I can't seem to ever say, do,the right thing!



## Believe21 (Nov 11, 2012)

I have been married for 6 years. The first year was great, the second year even better.I was on top of my career, had a wonderful circle of friends.enjoyed community service, and payed off my home! This is my second marriage, and took me a longtime to find someone whom was established in life(as I was convinced)and at 35yrs old, I was ready to travel, and be carefree, especially after surviving a deadly sarcoma ,that gave me a death sentence!! I had worked very hard in the real estate industry, and several other business adventures to almost retire. However, when the economy down turned, so did my assets.That's when I discovered my husband had none. And, in his last marriage owed $60,000 back child support. I ended up bailing him out on some financial issues he had ,while he promised to "make it up" . That never happened, and he eventually said, that was" never the agreement".To fast forward to now....I put my home up for rent, and after months of my husband's convincing,we both came back to school full time. We made a plan to complete school, get good jobs, and start again..." A new adventure", he promised..I became poor, and lost all my past social life and family connections...My husband got kicked out of school his first year due to a serious battery charge, which devastated me...We also got thrown out of our campus apt.I figured out how to remain in school, and established a new living situation, while my husband fought the legal system,I continued to back him all the way.( He has a trial coming up Dec 2012, which he has not given me any details about). On top of that,soon after,( unannounced to me), his 14 yr old son, moved in with us. I was told to "deal with it". This was where it really got bad. Since then, I have been yelled at, called a "*****", called "selfish", constantly told I am "disrespectful" to him and his son.I have nowhere to study, and expected to always be at home. Everything I say or do, is against them.My husband has called me "stupid" thrown, and destroyed my phone, computer, valuables,cut me off financially, and says I am the "source of his anger". He has turned off my phone, internet service, took my car keys, which caused me to miss allot of school.He constantly tells me he is "genius", "admired", highly "respected", and I do not acknowledge any of this! He tells me I am the intelligence of a 3 yr old, and must treat me as such!
He has been the one working, and I have been struggling through premed.Depending on what food he gives me permission to have ,and selling all my valuables to pay my debts, I have become very lost and confused! I have made it to my senior year, soon to graduate, and three months ago secured a government dream job.I am trying to build myself back up financially and emotionally. But, as I become confident again, I am told by my husband , I am "rebellious" and "disrespectful". The situation got worse, and I moved out, and lived in my car.He convinced me to come back, and the insults are worse. His son joins in agreeing with him. He convinced me that I needed help, and I almost lost my job, and school. I managed to get my head together enough to coast for now. I am normally a very confident, and independent person. Not anymore..I struggle with what I know I need to do, and with what I did so wrong? Please help me, if you can..


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## LearningLifeQDay (Oct 20, 2012)

Believe21...Hi, go live your life. You know how precious our time is on this earth. (I say this from personal experience and with high emotions.) If I was you I'd get in my car and just drive away in the other direction, but that's what I'd do...Good Luck in whatever life decisions you make.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

That doesn't sound like much of a marriage. I don't think anyone would blame you if you bailed on it. You deserve all of that wonderful second life you survived to have. But it seems like with your husband, it would remain just a memory of something good you might have had. I'm looking forward to professional positions in my future, and am excited because my kids and I can have our own house and also we can travel.


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## Believe21 (Nov 11, 2012)

Thanks for the reply....What I am trying to figure out is....What can I do to please him? To be "respectful"l, "admire" him and gain his acceptance? He hates that sometimes I forget "details", and if I asked for clarification... iHe gets angry and says, "there is no excuse for ignorance" ... Tells me often, to get ears cleaned out! He used to think this same thing was "cute", now says ruining our marriage..


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## Believe21 (Nov 11, 2012)

Well, I did just that again..tonight...This time have place to stay..But, feel that I did the wrong thing. He kept blaming me for all the mistakes or missing items he couldn't locate...I just left, bailed, again,,,But,know next several days, will be emails and text about how evil I am, and abusive to him and his son..I end up feeling he is right..


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

Believe21 said:


> Thanks for the reply....What I am trying to figure out is....What can I do to please him? To be "respectful"l, "admire" him and gain his acceptance? He hates that sometimes I forget "details", and if I asked for clarification... iHe gets angry and says, "there is no excuse for ignorance" ... Tells me often, to get ears cleaned out! He used to think this same thing was "cute", now says ruining our marriage..


You are suffering from battered women's syndrome. You are most likely experiencing very low self-esteem especially if you believe you are worthless and he is the only one who could love you. He is wearing you down psychologically and it may not be long if it hasn't happened already that he begins to assault you physically. Please, please go to a women's shelter and speak with a professional. There is nothing you can do to please this man. 

There is nothing wrong with you at all. You need to get away and do not contact him. He is a sociopath. You are his victim.


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

Believe21 said:


> Well, I did just that again..tonight...This time have place to stay..But, feel that I did the wrong thing. He kept blaming me for all the mistakes or missing items he couldn't locate...I just left, bailed, again,,,But,know next several days, will be emails and text about how evil I am, and abusive to him and his son..I end up feeling he is right..


He is not right. He is very very wrong to blame you for anything. 
Non of this is your fault. Turn off your phone, do not return his texts. Block his number. He will tell you he loves you at some point and that he is sorry and please come back. Do not go home. 

I am almost certain that he will stalk you at school/work etc. 
Go to a women's shelter and speak with them. Please do this. Please. Also phone the police and speak with an officer on duty and tell them what is going on in your life. This man is dangerous.


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## ConfusedWifey86 (Nov 6, 2012)

omg i am so sorry you are going through this, it sounds terrible. 
please dont think this is your fault!!!


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Believe21 said:


> He has a trial coming up Dec 2012.... has called me "stupid" thrown, and destroyed my phone, computer,... constantly tells me he is "genius", "admired", highly "respected", and I do not acknowledge any of this! He tells me I am the intelligence of a 3 yr old, and must treat me as such!


Believe, I suggest you read Kathy Batesel's excellent description of narcissistic behavior in her "JellyGator" blog. Her article is at Narcissism: Recognizing, Coping With, and Treating It. If her description rings a bell, I would be glad to discuss it with you and, most likely, Kathy will do so too.


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## YupItsMe (Sep 29, 2011)

He is tricking you. Read about battered womans syndrome. He is a controlling prick trying to eliminate yourself esteem so he can solidify control completely and it is worling but...


there is a way out by learnign what is going on, how the manipulation of your raw emotions works and getting strong to it. 

The key is he has you believing you cant make it without him. Thats all a sham. 

What would you tell your daughter, sister or close friend if they were in your situation. 

Go to a shelter and build a new life with support from outside his sphere of influence


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## oldgeezer (Sep 8, 2012)

Believe21 said:


> Well, I did just that again..tonight...This time have place to stay..But, feel that I did the wrong thing. He kept blaming me for all the mistakes or missing items he couldn't locate...I just left, bailed, again,,,But,know next several days, will be emails and text about how evil I am, and abusive to him and his son..I end up feeling he is right..


Why? Why are you evil? Do you actually do things intended to hurt and harm him / his son? Honestly? 

I doubt you do, and this may be his way of trying to manipulate you into doing what he wants you to do. You've got a couple of choices.. live with it or not live with it... and you can try to work on communicating with him and getting some kind of resolution about this, if you want to stay. 

In the meantime, being on / off, leaving for a while, and then getting shamed into coming back is just destroying you from the inside out. Being guilt tripped into re-joining a situation you believed you had to leave is an internal conflict of terrible proportions. Don't let it keep happening. End the cycle, one way or another.


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