# feeling attacked lately by in laws



## bell (Jul 10, 2011)

Im hispanic and my husbands family are white. Lately my mom in law has pretty much expressed that she didn't like hispanics pretty much...I think its bc she doesnt get along with some of her hispanic co-workers at work. (we live in a predominatly hispanic city) and when she comes over she asks a lot of funny questions regarding hispanic culture. she has commented many times that her kids didn't have hair until they were 2 and it was almost white blond, and she always asks if I had curly hair and what color hair I had. because our kids have a lot of hair and its kinda strawberry blond. also yesterday my sister in law saw me drinking a big red at their dads and kept asking what flavor it actually was and wanted to watch american niga saying stuff like theres only americans in this show, also she told me a while back not to take offense but that someone told her that big red was a drink that goes well with mexican food and that we like it for digestive reasons. They keep bringing up all these statements and comments and I'm starting to feel on the defense and thinking they want to get a reaction out of me its making me feel as if they don't accept me or something.


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## Sameold (Aug 11, 2011)

Well, there's ignorance and there's racism. You're feeling like this is the later, and it very well may be. There's also a slight chance, since it's a recent comment, that your mother-in-law is venting that she doesn't like Hispanics to you because she thinks of you as family and forgets that you're part of that group. (Don't get my mother-in-law started on American women!)
I wouldn't personally feel like the questions about the hair are racist, depending on how they're phrased, but does she have some sort of memory problem? Because asking continually about it might indicate she can't remember she's asked before. Might be worth bringing up to your husband in that regards. (We're black/white mixed. We get A LOT of hair questions/comments, from almost anyone who meets us. Ethnicity of questioner has no bearing on questions. The kids' hair varies from nearly as straight as mine to nearly as curly as his.)
Your mother-in-law is probably ignorant about the culture you grew up in (is there such a thing as Hispanic culture? I thought there were a lot of different cultures that made up the Hispanic group). What makes her questions funny, as opposed to curious? Like, if I asked you how you make a particular dish or what a particular holiday is for, would that be the sort of question your mother-in-law asks? Those are the sorts of questions I expect in a cross-cultural and cross-racial marriage as a matter of course.
Maybe they don't accept you. Sometimes people change, and maybe they'll learn better. Sometimes not. (Personally, I'd give the sis-in-law a big red--I don't know what sort of drink that is, I'm only familiar with the chewing gum of that name--and tell her you'd like to know what she thinks about it instead of what her acquaintances think.)
Unfortunately we can't make other people accept us. Can you, and your husband, talk over the issues and figure out what appropriate boundaries are and what the solution is when those boundaries are crossed by anyone, family or not? Your kids sound pretty little, but as they get bigger there will be times when other people, children and adults, say and do things that are inappropriate (and it won't be just one ethnic group that does it) and it's much easier to deal with when you already have a plan.


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## moonangel (Jan 19, 2011)

My SIL once asked me, "How do you run funerals in your culture?" It took me by surprise because no one has ever asked me that and I always thought funerals were all the same (either a coffin burial or a cremation and their appropriate ceremonies). Of course I realized quickly that she was referring to my parents's culture but they too do not follow their culture's burial tradition (traditionally, the culture follows a Shaman ceremony). My parents are Christians and want to have a Christian funeral when the time comes. I was offended but didn't show it. I told my husband (her brother) later that I thought she was rude (and he agreed with me). It made me realize that she didn't see me on the same level as her (and hasn't since the 9 years husband and I have bee married), as if I was below her or was raised in a completely different world. She is seriously judging me by the color of my skin which is too bad.

Anyway, I also mean to say that sometimes, if they ask, just tell them if you are proud of your culture. Make it clear that you are proud but don't rub it in.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Maybe she doesn't know how to act and thinks she has to include your culture in everything?

Sounds odd. My husband is latino and I'm white...not a big deal...but that would bother me too.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

We are a mixed couple and I am the first black person my in laws have ever met. 

Some of their questions are ignorant, but I know that they don't come from racist intent. They are just very curious.

I have had my husband's extended family ask if they can touch my skin and my hair. :rofl:

Sounds like your mother in law is racist.


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## desert-rose (Aug 16, 2011)

You should try and have a talk with her about the fact that she's offending you. If its out of ignorance, I can see how it's annoying, but maybe fixable. If it's out of malice, that's a whole different story and I don't know what to say about that.


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

I'd be tempted to construe the MIL's questions as interest and say something like, "Since you're clearly so interested in my cultural background, would you like to come with me to ________ (restaurant, party, concert, etc) of food / music / etc from my country of origin? I think you'd love it." And just keep doing that every time she mentions it, always have something new to suggest. Did you say Mexico? How about trying to take her to a Mexican film? Et cetera. Either she'll take you up on it and get over her ignorance and/or racism, or she'll stop asking!



FirstYearDown said:


> We are a mixed couple and I am the first black person my in laws have ever met.


LOL. How does that happen? The guy I was with for 3 years before I met my husband had parents like that. One of my friends traveled from the US to Europe to see me and the three of us went out for dinner. My BF at the time told his parents that she was black and his mom said, "I saw a black person once. I got scared and ran away." (I swear I am not making this up. While they're from a tiny mountain village in a European country where there have never been many people from anywhere else, they do have TV and watch tons of American movies.) I managed to say "Did you escape?" before I almost passed out of laughter.

Incidentally, that guys parents didn't like me either because my father is Jewish, and they were anti-semitic as well. His family had nothing to do with why we broke up, but I was so relieved to learn that my H's parents were both high school teachers and were in close contact with people from every background imaginable.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I dated a Japanese man for 3 years and I was the FIRST white person anyone in his family dated. Yea. We were going to get married but I couldn't handle his family's racism. Holy crap. lol.


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## bell (Jul 10, 2011)

sorry its been awhile since I logged on but thanks for the repsonses some of them made me lol in a kind light hearted way and had good suggestions. I know for sure my MIL is racist and I can tell in the extended family they get like that bc they are from up north and we are south. I am really not paying attention to it anymore. I just hope they don't really go overboard and attack me or the kids where it causes a big issue. Most of the times when this happens I go with the flow or act like I'm not exactly hearing their insulting questions or comments "in that way." but thanks if anything else comes up I will post it.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

I might just get a little sarcastic. The white people I see always seem to be eating tuna fish on white bread. What's up with that, and what's this preoccupation with mayonnaise. How are you Bob, fine, how are you. Nice, day. Do they say anything else?


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