# If found out husband felt like this how would you feel?



## red oak (Oct 26, 2018)

What’s the tam fam thoughts here. Popped up in notifications this morning.
Men what are your thoughts too?


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Seems odd to me.


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## red oak (Oct 26, 2018)

Actually wonder if these to are different sides of the same marriage 








Husband averse to sex since pre-marriage


Hi all, I’m new here and found this forum via google after not being quite sure where to turn. Here’s a cliff notes version of my dilemma: My husband and I will have been married for almost 2 years as of this summer (together for about 4.5 years total). Long story short, there is little-to-no...




www.talkaboutmarriage.com


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

Each one of us is a flawed person, and the only people we have available to us are flawed people.

We settle, just as others settle when they choose us.

At some point, each of us is annoying and hard to live with. Each of us has red flags. Each of us is crazy.

The choices are - which imperfections are you willing to live with?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I'd not be happy if my husband of 2 years was straight out not very attracted to me.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Sounds like a TAM posting actually.

I can't relate because I'm sexually attracted to all women as long as a certain level of health and hygiene are present.

I would tell him to train his brain but he probably won't.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

He's discontent and unthankful.

So no matter what she changes, he'll come up with something new, because she isn't the problem.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

ConanHub said:


> Sounds like a TAM posting actually.
> 
> I can't relate because I'm sexually attracted to all women as long as a certain level of health and hygiene are present.
> 
> I would tell him to train his brain but he probably won't.


Lol that’s what I was thinking too. I’m like uhhh is his brain busted? “Our sex life is decent but I’m not physically attracted to her...”. wat?


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

I can't relate, because I could never be with someone I'm not physically attracted to.

Regarding the body changing and getting rounder after pregnancy, it's a possibility... but I hope you are also attracted to saggy breasts and stretchmarks.


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## red oak (Oct 26, 2018)

ConanHub said:


> Sounds like a TAM posting actually.
> I would tell him to train his brain but he probably won't.


From Reddit.
He Sounds immature for being late 20’s.


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

nevermind


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

This was posted here a little while back and had a lot of feedback on the thread.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

red oak said:


> From Reddit.
> He Sounds immature for being late 20’s.


Holy moly! This does look like the other side of that thread you mentioned!


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

In Absentia said:


> I can't relate, because I could never be with someone I'm not physically attracted to.
> 
> Regarding the body changing and getting rounder after pregnancy, it's a possibility... but I hope you are also attracted to saggy breasts and stretchmarks.


Geez!


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

In Absentia said:


> I can't relate, because I could never be with someone I'm not physically attracted to.
> 
> Regarding the body changing and getting rounder after pregnancy, it's a possibility... but I hope you are also attracted to saggy breasts and stretchmarks.


Just have to comment: Not everyone gets stretch marks. I had two children and I have one, and that's 1/4 of an inch long. So pretty much non existent.

Also if she's small breasted, she can get away with no sag. I breastfed for a total of 4 years 😮 and there was no sag effect. Because, small breasted.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Livvie said:


> Just have to comment: Not everyone gets stretch marks. I had two children and I have one, and that's 1/4 of an inch long. So pretty much non existent.
> 
> Also if she's small breasted, she can get away with no sag. I breastfed for a total of 4 years 😮 and there was no sag effect. Because, small breasted.


Yup. Mrs. Conan has always been petite, active and healthy. No stretch marks and her tiny tatas were just fine.

She actually looked even better after our second child and I couldn't keep my hands off her!


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

I personally don't think this is a recipe for long term success.

However I am going to court controversy with my next statements, that I am sure will annoy the more sensitive. Honestly, there are a lot of ugly people in the world (and that isn't a matter of taste). If only attractive people got married there would be a lot less marriages.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

sokillme said:


> I personally don't think this is a recipe for long term success.
> 
> However I am going to court controversy with my next statements, that I am sure will annoy the more sensitive. Honestly, there are a lot of ugly people in the world (and that isn't a matter of taste). If only attractive people got married there would be a lot less marriages.


Here's the thing. You can be crazy attracted to someone who isn't "attractive" by objective standards.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Livvie said:


> Here's the thing. You can be crazy attracted to someone who isn't "attractive" by objective standards.


Sure you can, but if we are honest there are some cases where the chances of that happening with someone are very small. Should these people wait until someone shows up whose taste is so unconventional, or is it possible you can be with someone because of more then just conventional attractiveness. I mean look at all these rich guys who are ugly but have beautiful wives. Even athletes and entertainers.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

sokillme said:


> Sure you can, but if we are honest there are some cases where the chances of that happening with someone are very small.


I see people every day who are average looking and not really attractive and they have partners who are attracted to them. Usually the partner is of the same attractiveness level.

Average, not really attractive people CAN be hot for each other.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Livvie said:


> I see people every day who are average looking and not really attractive and they have partners who are attracted to them. Usually the partner is of the same attractiveness level.
> 
> Average, not really attractive people CAN be hot for each other.


So in your mind there are NO ugly people?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

sokillme said:


> So in your mind there are NO ugly people?


I'm saying ugly people can truly be attracted to each other.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

sokillme said:


> So in your mind there are NO ugly people?


I did not get that from her post.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Livvie said:


> Just have to comment: Not everyone gets stretch marks. I had two children and I have one, and that's 1/4 of an inch long. So pretty much non existent.
> 
> Also if she's small breasted, she can get away with no sag. I breastfed for a total of 4 years 😮 and there was no sag effect. Because, small breasted.


Yes agreed. I had 3 large babies, the biggest my first was just under 10lbs and I got v large with each. No stretch marks at all. Also no saggy breasts even in my 60's. We are all different.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

Diana7 said:


> No stretch marks at all.


I always find this amazing. My stomach was ruined. 😭

I used to call it my jabba the hut belly. 😂


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

minimalME said:


> I always find this amazing. My stomach was ruined. 😭
> 
> I used to call it my jabba the hut belly. 😂


Me too sister! 
I call mine tiger stripes. 😂


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

Hi five!!! 🤗 












Torninhalf said:


> Me too sister!
> I call mine tiger stripes. 😂


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

minimalME said:


> I always find this amazing. My stomach was ruined. 😭
> 
> I used to call it my jabba the hut belly. 😂


Jabba! 😋


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

ConanHub said:


> Jabba! 😋


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Ladies just paint yourselves blue and show up in a bikini and the guys will think you're the Na'vi.😉


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

minimalME said:


> I always find this amazing. My stomach was ruined. 😭
> 
> I used to call it my jabba the hut belly. 😂


I think it depends on your skin type. My mum's half of the family all had/have really good skin. I am fortunate in that way especially as I was just so enormous with them all. Otherwise I would have probably ended up covered with stretch marks.​They are pretty common.​​


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

ConanHub said:


> I did not get that from her post.


Yeah I get that, but that is a quote, the question of this post is more a general and I am addressing the kind of general attitude that you always here with stories like this. Everyone deserves to have their spouse feel they are attractive and don't marry someone who doesn't think you are attractive.

OK I kind of agree but I am not sure it's as realistic as we like to think it is. Also, if you dress like a slob are 50 pounds overweight then maybe you deserve a spouse who give as much a priority to you being attractive to them as you do to yourself. Just saying. (I know that is not the quote)

And then you get down to the folks who are just not attractive. There are some people like that. (I know I shouldn't say that, everyone is attractive in their own way.) OK, sure but that "way" might not make you want to jump their bones. Just saying. What do you do about that. What do those folks do? They may go their whole life and not have many people find them attractive, and the ones that do may not be suitable to marry.

So in that context I think we should be honest. There are people out there who are gonna struggle with this, and assuming they are not going to get plastic surgery (which I am all for) or lose extra 150 pounds that they have had their entire life or whatever, there is a very good chance they may marry people who are not very physically attracted to them. They may be very attracted to them in other ways, and we shouldn't just discount the potential of a relationship like that. Is that necessarily a bad marriage?

Like if you took away the last paragraph of the quote would it still be a bad marriage?

I mean I could pretend like this never happens because it's not a very nice thing to talk about, but then this isn't an honest discussion.

Does it invalidate the marriage if the spouse isn't attracted assuming they still have a healthy sex life? How about if ones spouses appearance changes and say they age very fast or lose their looks. It happens. Probably happens more times then we care to imagine. Some guys for instance lose their hair and are not Bruce Willie, they may look weird. What do you do then?

My overall point is there is much more to marriage then being wildly attracted to someone. I am also not saying you shouldn't try to find someone who is attracted to you, but you better at least put as much work into being attractive then.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Here is a question (which I wrote in my post above but i know people skip my diatribes). To the folks that have a issue with the quote, would you change your mind if the guy in the quote above wasn't wishing his wife's body changed? Like what if he didn't write the last paragraph. Would you still have a problem with it.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Livvie said:


> Just have to comment: Not everyone gets stretch marks. I had two children and I have one, and that's 1/4 of an inch long. So pretty much non existent.
> 
> Also if she's small breasted, she can get away with no sag. I breastfed for a total of 4 years 😮 and there was no sag effect. Because, small breasted.


You are lucky then...  My point was that yes, he can expect body changes, but they can be both positive and negative, although I never found stretch marks or saggy breasts to be negative things. It happens and it's because of a natural process...


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

sokillme said:


> Here is a question (which I wrote in my post above but i know people skip my diatribes). To the folks that have a issue with the quote, would you change your mind if the guy in the quote above wasn't wishing his wife's body changed? Like what if he didn't write the last paragraph. Would you still have a problem with it.


Yes I would. The guy straight out says he's NOT physically attracted to his wife. That's the issue. Who wants to have sex with someone who isn't attracted to you? Part of the fun of a sexual relationship is that you WANT EACH OTHER and love your partner's body and they love yours.

Show of hands : who wants to be _married_ to someone who isn't physically attracted to you? Any takers?

And in that case it's not that she needs to lose weight or is sloppy, etc. She's slight, and he just isn't attracted to her body type, period. 

No thank you.

I've seen overweight, or just not attractive people (to me or probably generally objectively) be waaay into each other and attracted to each other.

This husband isn't attracted at all to his slender, slight wife. She's missing out on having a partner who wants her physically and lusts after her. That's too bad because there are men out there who could LOVE that body type.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

sokillme said:


> Here is a question (which I wrote in my post above but i know people skip my diatribes). To the folks that have a issue with the quote, would you change your mind if the guy in the quote above wasn't wishing his wife's body changed? Like what if he didn't write the last paragraph. Would you still have a problem with it.


Consider adding a TL;DR to your diatribes. I admit I skipped the last one. I'm not being critical because I write them sometimes, as well. Based on the lack of "likes" I get on them, I suspect a lot of people skip them. That's fine because it's often cathartic to write them.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

sokillme said:


> Here is a question (which I wrote in my post above but i know people skip my diatribes). To the folks that have a issue with the quote, would you change your mind if the guy in the quote above wasn't wishing his wife's body changed? Like what if he didn't write the last paragraph. Would you still have a problem with it.


I wouldn't if he didn't show it to his wife. That said, their sex life is bound to suffer if he is not physically into his wife, so to me he is still doing a disservice to her.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

sokillme said:


> Yeah I get that, but that is a quote, the question of this post is more a general and I am addressing the kind of general attitude that you always here with stories like this. Everyone deserves to have their spouse feel they are attractive and don't marry someone who doesn't think you are attractive.
> 
> OK I kind of agree but I am not sure it's as realistic as we like to think it is. Also, if you dress like a slob are 50 pounds overweight then maybe you deserve a spouse who give as much a priority to you being attractive to them as you do to yourself. Just saying. (I know that is not the quote)
> 
> ...


I would say that it feels deceitful if you are pretending you are attracted to them for the purposes of having sex. But we don't know if that's the case or not from the guy's post. I do agree as people age and change you may go through periods where you are more or less attractive to the other person and that there's more to marraige than being wildly attracted to someone. But how many posts have we seen on TAM where someone is on here with a failing sex life in their marriage because they married someone they KNEW they weren't attracted to? And they "settled" and married them anyway. Are they divulging this to their partner?

Sure when you're in your 20s you might as a man still be able to have sex with someone you're not attracted, but I doubt there are many men who can perform into old age with someone they were NEVER attracted to. There would probably be erm...mechanical issues shall we say?


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

The weird thing to me is pursuing someone you’re not physically attracted to in the first place.

I can think of many times when I was a young man where I met a young lady in college where I could tell it would be easy for me to get her to go out with me but I wasn’t into it. I have always had a massive sex drive but not for people I wasn’t physically attracted to.

My first date with my wife I was like, “Holy s*£*!!!” Anyway... So locking it down with a woman you’re not physically attracted to is borderline insane I think.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

ccpowerslave said:


> The weird thing to me is pursuing someone you’re not physically attracted to in the first place.


I don't want to sound arrogant, or whatever , but when I was in my early twenties, I did have a few girls trying it on with me, some asking in a very explicit manner! But I could never do anything with them if I didn't fancy them. I just can't wrap my head around the whole thing... it's a very strange thing to do.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

joannacroc said:


> I would say that it feels deceitful if you are pretending you are attracted to them for the purposes of having sex. But we don't know if that's the case or not from the guy's post. I do agree as people age and change you may go through periods where you are more or less attractive to the other person and that there's more to marraige than being wildly attracted to someone. But how many posts have we seen on TAM where someone is on here with a failing sex life in their marriage because they married someone they KNEW they weren't attracted to? And they "settled" and married them anyway. Are they divulging this to their partner?
> 
> Sure when you're in your 20s you might as a man still be able to have sex with someone you're not attracted, but I doubt there are many men who can perform into old age with someone they were NEVER attracted to. There would probably be erm...mechanical issues shall we say?


Using your scenario some people shouldn't get married then.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Livvie said:


> Yes I would. The guy straight out says he's NOT physically attracted to his wife. That's the issue. Who wants to have sex with someone who isn't attracted to you? Part of the fun of a sexual relationship is that you WANT EACH OTHER and love your partner's body and they love yours.
> 
> Show of hands : who wants to be _married_ to someone who isn't physically attracted to you? Any takers?
> 
> ...


Sounds like he is emotionally attracted to her though and that is enough to make him want to have sex with her.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

sokillme said:


> Using your scenario some people shouldn't get married then.


Man, the only reason that makes me glad I married is my son. He is not the only good thing to have come out of my failed marriage but he is the most significant one. I'm sure plenty of people on here who got burned in a situation like the wife in this scenario would rather not have got married.


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

I dunno. There have been some threads in TAM where the genders were reversed, and a similar situation existed, but just not as overtly stated. You kinda had to read between the lines to conclude that the attraction wasn't very strong, but it added up to essentially the same situation. Those posts weren't nearly as universally condemning.


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