# Is this division fair?



## SoupTime (Aug 1, 2011)

I have been married for 7 years. We have a 5 year old and a 1 year old. Another child on the way. For almost nine years I have worked hard(the job is mentally and physically challenging) to make my way up the ladder. It takes very good care of us now and I feel like my wife takes that for granted sometimes. I work over 50 hours per week and my wife has been a stay at home mom ever since our first child was born. 

Our division of responsibilities is as follows:

She takes care of the kids, does laundry, dishes, vacuuming, checkbook/bill paying, and tidying of the house. The tidying of the house is honestly moderate at best. Our 5 year old doesn't have to clean up after herself and the general tidying, cleaning is always behind. I cook most of the meals when I am home(her meal efforts are topped out at mac and cheese from the box, mostly sandwiches or going for fast food though). 

I work those hours. They are retail so they fluctuate which doesn't allow me to keep a sleep schedule. I also do all the house maintenance/repairs, 90% of yard work. My wife is anti-social when it's not to her benefit so I have to deal with anything involving interaction with other people. This means calling people when problems arise, making decisions(I definitely don't take decision making away from her... it's all her indecisiveness). 

So to get closer to the point: She watches plenty of shows during the day that she records(soaps, home shows, etc), puts almost no time into meal prep, regularly checks and maintains internet stuff such as facebook, crafting sites, and e-mail for volunteer work that she does for fun. She only has a busy day during laundry day twice per week. She gets really defensive when I ask her to do more or to maintain the sanitary stuff(sweeping, wiping surfaces). She feels I ask too much of her and always ask me for help getting cleaning done. Am I really unfair? I don't currently see it that way and am tired of this battle five years running. We are really trying to avoid divorce but we can't get along because she tries to play the victim/you're too demanding thing and I always feel she just wants to skate by with as little work as possible.

Thanks for any thoughts you can give on this....


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## Tool (Feb 14, 2011)

If she is a stay at home Mom, the house better be spotless and dinner better be ready when you get home..

I do not think it is too much to ask..

Of course she wants to skate by with as little work as possible, that is why she is a stay at home Mom lol..

Honestly I wouldn't stand for this BS..

My Wife and I both work, and my Wife is very lazy.. If I don't get the place clean it gets trashed and stays that way.. But of course she thinks I do not do enough around the house..


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Is the issue really about a fair and equitable division of labor between you, or is it because you don't feel like you are acknowledged for what you provide for your family?

I have never been a SAHM so cannot really relate to that, but I do know that when I was on extended maternity leave with both of my kids, I went crazy. Being home all day with little kids can kind of be like sinking into a black hole, sometimes, especially if you were previously working and out and about. I remember trying to clean up during the day, just to have everything undone behind me about as soon as I picked up. 

I think you need to look into the reasons why your wife is acting this way. Was she previously working, and does she feel like she is under-utilized by staying at home? Does she get out and about much, or is she only maintaining her contact with those outside by facebook and seeing what's going on in the world via TV?

You two need to talk about this - and maybe in a more neutral setting with a third-party, like a marriage counselor. Note that your wife is pregnant again. If she is somewhat down about her situation, another baby may not be likely to help it - and with 3 small children underfoot all day, the issues just get compounded.

Look at ways that you can help relieve the burdens for each other - look at ways that you can help build each other up, instead of tearing each other down. Why concentrate on only the negative things that you feel she doesn't do to your liking - why not concentrate on the positive things and go from there?

God Bless.


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## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

Tool said:


> If she is a stay at home Mom, the house better be spotless and dinner better be ready when you get home.. *Sorry, ignore me I'm off to the optometrist..............*I do not think it is too much to ask.. WELL MAYBE NOT IN DINOSAURLANDIA.......... ?????Of course she wants to skate by with as little work as possible, that is why she is a stay at home Mom lol.. !!!!!!!!!!!!! nothing to do with giving the kids the best care and best start rather than farming them out, I guess.........
> Honestly I wouldn't stand for this BS..
> 
> My Wife and I both work, and my Wife is very lazy.. If I don't get the place clean it gets trashed and stays that way.. But of course she thinks I do not do enough around the house..


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## Tool (Feb 14, 2011)

Do you go to the optometrist all day everyday..

Its not too much to ask, if you can watch TV all day you can do things around the house..

It is debatable about giving them the best start.. I personally like experience they receive interacting with other kids all day..


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Tool said:


> If she is a stay at home Mom, the house better be spotless and dinner better be ready when you get home..
> 
> I do not think it is too much to ask..
> 
> ...


I agree with that...In the summer I am a SAHM...so I do my job in the home.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Enchantment said:


> Is the issue really about a fair and equitable division of labor between you, or is it because you don't feel like you are acknowledged for what you provide for your family?
> 
> I have never been a SAHM so cannot really relate to that, but I do know that when I was on extended maternity leave with both of my kids, I went crazy. Being home all day with little kids can kind of be like sinking into a black hole, sometimes, especially if you were previously working and out and about. I remember trying to clean up during the day, just to have everything undone behind me about as soon as I picked up.
> 
> ...


I agree with this too  Good points all around.


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## ManDup (Apr 22, 2011)

You're putting in a 50 hour week, I don't see why she shouldn't.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

ManDup said:


> You're putting in a 50 hour week, I don't see why she shouldn't.


As a mom with a 5 year old and a 1 year old (and being pregnant again!) the OP's wife may very well be putting in much more than 50 hours a week - she just doesn't measure up to what he thinks she should be doing. When you are a mother, your 'job' as a mom is really 24 x 7 x 365 (and if she feels anything like I did with my last pregnancy I am surprised she gets anything done with a 5 yo and 1 yo while being pregnant.  )

OP and wife need to work on this together, get to the root causes of the issues.


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## MGirl (Mar 13, 2011)

Being a SAHM is a tough job. But it's still a job.

If it were someone else's house and she were being paid, say, $20 an hour or so, to take care of their house and their children during the day, she'd be working a lot harder.

Having said that, the problem is the psychological aspect. She's on facebook a lot and watching tv because she's trying to live vicariously though others' lives. She needs to get out of the house sometimes. Maybe take a class, find someplace to volunteer, take up a hobby, whatever it takes. 

You go to work, work a full day, and come home. She wakes up at work, works at work, and goes to bed at work. No change of scenery. It becomes so monotonous, tiresome, and never-ending that she loses the motivation to keep up with things. She has to have some sort life outside of the home.

You two need to listen to each other. Actually listen. Don't make assumptions while she's talking, just try to see things from her perspective. She needs to listen to you as well. As Enchantment wisely said, you need to sit down together and figure out what the core issues are.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

SoupTime said:


> I have been married for 7 years. We have a 5 year old and a 1 year old. Another child on the way. For almost nine years I have worked hard(the job is mentally and physically challenging) to make my way up the ladder. It takes very good care of us now and I feel like my wife takes that for granted sometimes. I work over 50 hours per week and my wife has been a stay at home mom ever since our first child was born.
> 
> Our division of responsibilities is as follows:
> 
> ...


My friend, the fact that you're even asking this makes me think that somehow you have gotten your head in the wrong place, probably from taking all your good efforts too seriously. This is an easy trap to fall into and no good can come from it.

The fact that she stays home and is responsible for the kids is enough on it's own. If she wants to and is able to do more, that's a big bonus. If not, share the burden or do it yourself. What doesn't get done doesn't get done.

Applying some kind of unilateral measuring stick to yours and her efforts is unloving and will kill your marriage. Let this all go and be grateful for what you have.


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## Avalon (Jul 5, 2011)

From a salary.com survey done in 2006, taking into account all the different "jobs" a stay-at-home mom does, 24/7/365...

"Stay-at-home moms work an average of 96.6 hours per week. Working moms do "mom jobs" 55.9 hours per week -- in addition to their regular jobs!

So what would mom's paycheck look like? Factoring in time and a half for overtime, stay-at-home moms would earn $115,431 a year, while working moms would earn $63,471."

Just some food for thought.... I'm a full time mom and work part time from home, and I NEVER get a sick day or a vacation day or a mental health day, I am either on the job as a parent or on call virtually every single minute of every single day of the year. I WISH I had time to sit and watch TV all day and play on Facebook, but I spent 15 minutes max on FB a day, and if I'm lucky I watch an hour or two of TV per week...


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

Tool said:


> If she is a stay at home Mom, the house better be spotless and dinner better be ready when you get home..


I do believe that if one parent is staying at home they should be doing most of the houshold chores. Not all though, because it isn't fair for one person to finish for the day and the other to have to keep going.

Moreover I am a very clean person and when I was home I kept my house very neat and tidy too, but sometimes things happen and those expectations of yours seem very unreasonable. i would be happy to keep things looking good if my SO was fair about it.



> I do not think it is too much to ask..
> 
> Of course she wants to skate by with as little work as possible, that is why she is a stay at home Mom lol..


Have you ever been a stay at home parent. I have worked and stayed home, and staying home with small children is a lot of work. So it asll depends on the situation.



> Honestly I wouldn't stand for this BS..
> 
> My Wife and I both work, and my Wife is very lazy.. If I don't get the place clean it gets trashed and stays that way.. But of course she thinks I do not do enough around the house..


There was a thread a few months ago here about a SAHD and he did almost nothing, you wouldn't believe how easy people thought he should get it, just because he had a penis.

Any one staying at home who is healthy should be doing their best to ensure their family is taken care of.

This does not mean doing everything, but a good portion of the share and what is reasonable depending on the day/ situation.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

To the OP, does your wife think her lot in life is perfectly fair? Who is the judge of what is fair and what is not? You're most likely both feeling the same way, that you put in your hours and work more than the other and it's "unfair". Your wife may feel that her stress never ends since there isn't any check out time and she's on call 24/7. Her being home for 50 hours a week allows you the luxury of working without care or worry about your kids. Is it fair that you disregard this luxury and take it for granted entirely, in fact, ask for more?

As a working person you also have the pats on the back and paycheck to gauge your accomplishments. As a parent, the payoff is far down the road and the criticisms are plenty. In fact, almost everyone has a few they'd like to share with you!

Tool, I get from reading this post that you aren't nearly as supportive or altruistic as you claim in your other post. Kids can get interaction with other kids without outsourcing them for 9 hours to a room full of germs and adult figures who have no real attachment to them when they're not even old enough to sit up on their own yet. Time to take a look at yourself and how kind you are to your wife. You have a case of the Me! Me! Me! 

Fair? Life is not really fair.


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## WhiteRabbit (May 11, 2011)

You work. You're on a schedule. You have a mapped day all day every day. You get a lunch hour.

She should be working. She should be on a schedule. She should have a mapped day. She should get lunch hour.

She needs to make herself a schedule. Just like she'd have if she had a job outside the home. As a woman who has busted her bum and was never really given the opportunity to stay at home with my son, I have trouble respecting these women who stay at home all day,every day and can't even learn how to cook a decent meal.
Fine, cleaning isn't her thing...whatever. How about just tidying up each day and then doing the floor scrubbing and bathroom cleaning twice a week?? Use the rest of the time to experiment with cooking skills. Go to the gym. Learn how to utilize time wisely. 

If she isn't on a structured schedule, she isn't going to get anything done and your kids won't learn how to optimize their time either. 

Being the stepford wife you seem to want isn't the answer either. There has to be a happy middle ground. Her job is 24/7. Yours is 40-50 hours a week...she should put in her 40-50 hours then the two of you should be splitting the rest of the home stuff evenly. 

Some stay at home moms are the most spoiled, bratty b*tches I've ever seen.

But then there are some that honestly work their a$$es off and have a husband who NEVER shares any home responsibilities with them simply bc they're the one who leaves the house to do their job therefore that makes them worthy of sitting on their butts the rest of the nights and weekends.<---these husbands are usually the ones with the wives who end up having EA/PA...


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Avalon said:


> From a salary.com survey done in 2006, taking into account all the different "jobs" a stay-at-home mom does, 24/7/365...
> 
> "Stay-at-home moms work an average of 96.6 hours per week. Working moms do "mom jobs" 55.9 hours per week -- in addition to their regular jobs!
> 
> ...


personaly I think this study is a bunch of baloney.


my wife is a stay at home mom and she dose not work 24/7/365
when i get home after an hour comute to and fro I help with the daily activities and coach baseball/boy scouts and do the car maitance plus help around the house as much if not more than her this attitude is toxic to any marriage.

marriage is a team effort and having an attitude that say I am never on vacation and your lucky that all you have to do is work 8 hrs a day is unfair and I would bet is just not the case in most healthy marriages.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

chillymorn said:


> personaly I think this study is a bunch of baloney.
> 
> 
> my wife is a stay at home mom and she dose not work 24/7/365
> ...


I agree but him doing the same thing with his 50 hours and set of comparables is not healthy either and is the same thing in the opposite direction.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Trenton said:


> I agree but him doing the same thing with his 50 hours and set of comparables is not healthy either and is the same thing in the opposite direction.


absolutley!


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## SoupTime (Aug 1, 2011)

Enchantment said:


> Is the issue really about a fair and equitable division of labor between you, or is it because you don't feel like you are acknowledged for what you provide for your family?
> 
> I have never been a SAHM so cannot really relate to that, but I do know that when I was on extended maternity leave with both of my kids, I went crazy. Being home all day with little kids can kind of be like sinking into a black hole, sometimes, especially if you were previously working and out and about. I remember trying to clean up during the day, just to have everything undone behind me about as soon as I picked up.
> 
> ...


Thanks for the input  I really appreciate all the feedback on here. I assure you I am not too demanding. My big flaw is that I am stressed from work so I am not always in the most loving of moods when I get home. I'm usually over sensitized from work so I really take a bit to get back into wanting to chat about random daily stuff. I definitely get moody and snippy, unfortunately 

Anyway most of my frustrations come from my efforts to let go of the fact I feel she just takes advantage of staying at home. I feel that too many people instantly assume that she is the equivalent of that "stay at home moms should be earning so much money for all the stuff they do" example. In order to earn that much money you have to do well in your job, right? Sound mean I know but it's true.


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## SoupTime (Aug 1, 2011)

Chilly and Trenton thanks for your posts and I agree with the fact those studies are not for everyone. In order to make those salaries indicated(if you were in the workforce earning them) you would need to compete with other workers for that job and thus perform at an expected level. I don't know why you're assuming I'm jumping all over her every day for what she doesn't do. It's currently bad between us and we argue about it all the time but for 2 years I tried to bring it up in a calm way. When I would get home from work there would be many things left to clean up in the house. The usual would be I would cook when I get home. Then I would take a few of those chores she hadn't got to yet. Over time I saw that she was spending so much time during the day on hobbies and free time while I would give up my free time to do these things. 

The purpose of my post was to get info. I think it's short sighted for people to assume the working spouse is in the wrong for expecting anything from the stay at home spouse. Why is it ALWAYS assumed that the working spouse doesn't have a high level of physical or mental demand on them? When I get home from my ten/eleven hour day I usually take 30 minutes to unwind and then I'm fully involved in taking care of the kids. If my wife wants a break she absolutely gets it. However she usually doesn't want to do anything on her own because all her friends are online or far away. This is definitely of her choice. She's very anti social and has no interest to meet people. She barely wants to leave the house most days because she just enjoys time inside.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

SoupTime said:


> Chilly and Trenton thanks for your posts and I agree with the fact those studies are not for everyone. In order to make those salaries indicated(if you were in the workforce earning them) you would need to compete with other workers for that job and thus perform at an expected level. I don't know why you're assuming I'm jumping all over her every day for what she doesn't do. It's currently bad between us and we argue about it all the time but for 2 years I tried to bring it up in a calm way. When I would get home from work there would be many things left to clean up in the house. The usual would be I would cook when I get home. Then I would take a few of those chores she hadn't got to yet. Over time I saw that she was spending so much time during the day on hobbies and free time while I would give up my free time to do these things.
> 
> The purpose of my post was to get info. I think it's short sighted for people to assume the working spouse is in the wrong for expecting anything from the stay at home spouse. Why is it ALWAYS assumed that the working spouse doesn't have a high level of physical or mental demand on them? When I get home from my ten/eleven hour day I usually take 30 minutes to unwind and then I'm fully involved in taking care of the kids. If my wife wants a break she absolutely gets it. However she usually doesn't want to do anything on her own because all her friends are online or far away. This is definitely of her choice. She's very anti social and has no interest to meet people. She barely wants to leave the house most days because she just enjoys time inside.


It's that you're competing at all that's the problem. If you can't empathize with her and you add to her demoralization (as she does you), eventually the resentment is overwhelming and things get worse and worse in the relationship. 

Have you ever stayed home and tried to be the main caregiver of your children for any length of time beyond a few weeks or as part time support?

Has she ever had to work 50 hours with all the pressure of being the sole provider for your family?

If neither of you have experienced what the other has, everything you think the other is feeling is based upon assumption anyway and the truth would be that neither of you have any idea what the other's lives are like. If you care about one another, caring that one or the other is saying it's too much or it's this way or that way should be enough to elicit support. The fact that it's not is the problem.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

SoupTime said:


> Thanks for the input  I really appreciate all the feedback on here. I assure you I am not too demanding. My big flaw is that I am stressed from work so I am not always in the most loving of moods when I get home. I'm usually over sensitized from work so I really take a bit to get back into wanting to chat about random daily stuff. I definitely get moody and snippy, unfortunately
> 
> Anyway most of my frustrations come from my efforts to let go of the fact I feel she just takes advantage of staying at home. I feel that too many people instantly assume that she is the equivalent of that "stay at home moms should be earning so much money for all the stuff they do" example. In order to earn that much money you have to do well in your job, right? Sound mean I know but it's true.


Are you communicating your frustrations to your wife? I don't think it's that unusual to need to 'decompress' after work. I have to do that myself. But, it might help her to know that you need that time. It may also help you to let her know that it makes you stressed if certain things are not done around the house during the day and you do feel taken advantage of. Just be honest - don't let it bottle up. Then listen to what she says and ask her about how she feels about her day. She may be climbing the walls all day long and need to decompress too.

I think the key here is some communication. If you've been trying to do that on your own and she is not responsive, or you just don't know how to start, would you be willing to have a third-party involved (i.e., marriage counselor) who may be able to help you navigate through this?

God Bless.


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