# newbie- feel so dumb



## Phh0000 (Dec 15, 2013)

I am brand new and grasping at straws to somehow make sense of the last 20+ years of my life. My husband has been gone nearly 4 months and this is my story.


We married young...i saw signs of lying in him but i was young too. We had a rough start- were short of money but made it work and over the years despite losing a son, and having two amazing daughters we became happy (so i thought) involved in community, church and our kids and became comfortable financially. This past summer, my dh told me out of the blue he was leaving. He left, told the kids and rented another place and was gone in 2 weeks. i was shattered and confused. he maintained he still "wanted to be friends"- he had always been very involved with the kids- he promised there was no one else etc etc etc.


Over the years there were many suspisions i had- totally finding out by accident. THe fact he kept his phone locked at all times and never told me passwords- connections with other women that he always maintained were only friends. But when i tried to ask him or even question him on anything- his answer would be- "i work all day for this family, i am exhausted and i come home to have a wife who questions/accuses me". I am a person who always likes to give ppl the benefit of the doubt- almost to a fault. he knows that about me and i guess he played on it? Because i felt so bad, i rarely if ever questioned him for fear of him acting so hurt and angry that i would even *suggest* he do such a thing. 


The weekend he left i we to the cottage for the weekend with the kids so they would not have to see him move out. He took his personal belongings and not much else but left 2 things on his nightstand. His wedding ring and the birthday card i had given him only a few weeks before with my handwritten note "happy birthday to the best thing that has ever happened to me"...why not throw those things out if they mattered so little to you? why leave that for me to see when i get home with 2 sobbing kids? 


Now several months later my head spins all the time-and its like all the things that i had swept under the carpet for years are now in my head as clear as anything. Obvious actual cheating where i saw texts and messages but somehow he had lied his way out of them and somehow maybe to get peace? i believed it- or didnt pursue it anyway. 

When he left he was nice and still friendly. But now the kids *who have been majorly over protected over the years* are finally opening up and saying they were aware of him being online messaging many other women over the years and had actually seen messages to meet up etc- but they kept it all in and didnt want to tell me. I dont blame them- i likely would have taken whatever his excuses were and believed him.

Shortly after he left i got a lawyer and he was mad. We had an agreement by email and he was willing to keep lawyers out of it to save money. So far he has never not paid- that is one thing (so far) he is doing. But now he is realizing this is costing him more than he thought, the kids are not reacting to him positively anymore and he barely sees them (he used to try to see them more but they are resistant to see him and it makes him mad) and somehow the few times he speaks to me he is yelling/swearing at me like its all my fault!! Since in 20+ years he very rarely yelled at me or swore it is out of the ordinary-i dont get it!! 


Since hes been gone hes also continually lying even about things he doesnt need to, (since we are not together anymore) i do not get it! I feel so dumb that i didnt kick his lying butt to the curb years ago but i guess he did me a favour by leaving all of a sudden because i would have been in this relationship forever. I have only ever been with one man- him and supposedly he had only ever been with one person too- me- ya ok. i now am aware of multiple relationships/rolls in the hay lol that hes had and a complete miriad of escorts that he visits.

I am so humiliated he has even not privatized his facebook and i get contacted from people who are mortified. My kids are on his facebook and they are embarrassed. I have emailed him to privatize his facebook but he has ignored my request. I just dont understand. He got what he wanted, a single life, a wife who didnt freak and slash his tires, i am looking after the emotional and physical well being of his two teenaged daughters and altho devastated are hanging in...why is this my fault? why is he still lying? why is he not at least respecting us enough to privatize his facebooK? 

I dont even know if this is the place to write this but if anyone reads this - thank you- i just needed to get it all out. I hate burdening people. my husband and i were both the people everyone else went to when they had problems- not the other way around. I dont want to burden anyone but could anyone out there be dumber than me?


----------



## JBeau (Dec 15, 2013)

Phh,

Hang in there, I am new to this forum also. I would probably not be good for advice right now, but I feel your payne, and hope things go your way soon!! If you haven't tried to reconcile with your husband yet, or feel R probably wouldn't work right now, maybe it's time for you to hit the 180's?


----------



## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

I assume his parents/siblings/etc know about his despicable actions. What has their reaction been? 

I didn't see any questions from you - so I suppose you are justifiably venting. However if I may suggest a thing or two:

1. get a lawyer (a shark - not a note-taker) Listen and learn. Hopefully the lawyer will perform discovery of assets. Followed by securing any/all such. (dismiss your fH rants about this)

2. arrange some counseling for your kids and yourself. 

I'm so sorry you've been treated so unfairly.


----------



## Phh0000 (Dec 15, 2013)

thanks for your answers- i have already secured the legals (much to his anger) and the house is mine and i am happy with the outcome financially i guess. The kids are both in counselling (finally- they refused at first but have their 4th session each this week)- his family is nice to me but they have only heard his reasoning for leaving "i just wasnt happy"- they dont know about the infidelity, escorts, pathological lying etc. -they just think its a simple case of "they grew apart"- true- no questions really just venting and i appreciate the responses


----------



## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Stop interacting with him. Limit communication to email and texting.

He cheated so much: very low

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


----------



## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

OMG I am sorry you are here with these kind of emotions. They are the worst to deal with, the frustration is so overwhelming. Coming home to find the stuff on the nightstand must have been another punch in the heart. I am glad you came here to vent your strong emotions - - that is a healthy sign, keep doing that.

You've been married for how long? 20 years - and your H just announces one day he's leaving and then posts ratings of escorts on his FB for the kids to see? WTF????? When did the infidelity begin? how old are the two of you? What do you want for your future? Do you want R or D?

You sound like you had suspicions but didn't want to rock the boat. It sounds like your kids have learned to respond in the same way. Time to stand up for yourself!!

You need a lawyers advice. OF COURSE he wants to save money and take care of it! Tell him no dice, if he wants to save money he can stop spending it on hookers!

Good Lord. OK, done ranting.

You've got to stop letting him make the rules for you. This is your life! He moved out and is still bossing you around? Time to start deciding what you are going to do. 

My heart goes out to you, I am so sorry your H is putting you through this. Hang in there, it gets better.


----------



## Stronger-now (Oct 31, 2013)

I am so sorry that you are here. 

You are right, he has done you a favour by leaving. You are not merely coasting along, looking the other way anymore. It's time to grab the bull sorta speak. 

So, what do you want now? Do you want to have solid proof of his affairs or what you know now is enough for you? If you want solid proofs, I am sure others will chime in. If it's enough for you, continue with the divorce. He has manipulated you and still is. 

I am not an expert, but your post about taking on the burden sounds like co-dependency to me. It won't hurt if you also get counselling and finding out why he got angry at you for retaining a lawyer affected you. Isn't it what divorcing couple do?

Finally, your STBXH sounds like mine. He was so angry when I decided to divorce his cheating butt. You know what helped? Just ignore him and give him no chance to lash out on you. His anger is his problem. You don't have to shoulder the burden of his anger. He chose to cheat, he chose to leave, now let him deal with the consequences. He may be angry because he doesn't like the outcome of his decision, NOT YOUR PROBLEM. You have enough craps he left behind to deal with. Good thing your daughters are teenagers, they can communicate with him directly. He can talk to you about the logistics of the divorce through your lawyer. Please shed the mentality that it's your responsibility to keep the peace. Like you said, he's lucky that you handle this gracefully, you just take and take all the humiliation he intentionally inflicts on you. If that's not enough for him, he needs to find out what is wrong with his head. And again, NOT your responsibility to fix him. 

Hug.


----------



## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

LongWalk said:


> Stop interacting with him. Limit communication to email and texting.
> 
> He cheated so much: very low
> 
> _Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


:iagree:

Limit all com to kids and expenses only. Don't respond immediately to any of his texts/emails. Wait a good while and be brief and unemotional in your responses. Do the 180 (see the link in my sig if you aren't familiar with the concept)

Forget about his fb strutting - it'll show others his true character. Also, consider setting his parents straight about the fallacy of "growing apart". But don't do this unless they bring it up. 

Don't be surprised if he 'suddenly' realizes he made a 'mistake'. The financial hit and demands of his gf are going to be heavy so in time he'll want to seek 'counseling' and some form of what will turn out to be limbo for you. Don't succumb to this form of manipulation.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Your husband is nowhere close to what you thought he was.

He is shifting the blame to you.

You might like to consider using CheaterVille :: Don't Be the Last to Know. on him. After all, this will warn other women what he is.

Don't force your daughters to see him. They clearly know their own minds on that one.


----------



## Phh0000 (Dec 15, 2013)

thank you so much for all the responses- i read the 180 thing- thank you for the advice sounds good. I am 44 he is 42 we have been married nearly 23 years.thanks for all your help everyone


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Phh

Good thing you went legal. 

He is only going to get angrier at you and the kids. He will start to want to control you with the finances.

It is inevitable. He is a loser. Is your divorce solidified?

Get it done and find a real man that does not need his jollies from hookers and values a family.

And if it was me I would tell his parents what their son is truly like and why he is not "happy".

Replace him. He deserves it and so do you.

HM


----------



## X-B (Jul 25, 2013)

Please do not worry about being a burden on here or with your friends. Now is the time to have friends to help you get through this.


----------



## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

I would go as dark on him as possible. Lawyer up and keep everything between you and the lawyer secret until you file or at your lawyer's advice.


----------



## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Phh0000
You will be far better off without this guy. At least he left you your children. So, see to it he provides for them and move on.
Sorry you are here.


----------



## Phh0000 (Dec 15, 2013)

thanks for the words of encouragement...i was feeling last week like i was getting stronger- getting over this etc,,,and then yesterday i saw him for the first time in a while.

I told him i was angry, and i have become aware of "many flings", escorts etc. I told him he basically stole my life for 20+years and that his kids are now messed up because of it- as they are now saying in counselling that they knew of his hookups by accident by seeing messages etc on his computer as much as 6 years ago! 

*He did not flinch, he did not show emotion, he said absolutely nothing until the end of my outburst when he said"i dont need to hear this" and walked out. 

I guess i was expecting a sorry or some emotion as to what the kids had seen over the years etc- but nothing nada- acted like he couldnt care less.

he was out of town on "business" last week but i have since heard it was not business at all but instead his 2nd vacation out of the country since hes left me. I realize he was screwing around when he was with me so obviously he is doing that now- but he owes me money for legal fees that he agreed to pay and was playing the "im broke" card. Stupid me- *almost* felt sorry for him.

Now i realize he clearly has enough money for vacations and hookers and he needs to pay me the "half of all legal fees" he agreed to in our separation agreement.

Is it at all normal to feel like you were moving on, getting stronger and then all of a sudden feel so sad and bad as if you moved 10 steps back- almost to how you felt the day he left?


----------



## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

OP, the only thing you should be sad about is the fact that you ever met him.


----------



## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Sorry you and your kids are going thru this horrible experience.

He has not told you he is sorry. He has not done anything to help you heal.

I hope you sold his ring to help pay with the legal bills.

Is he paying child support? 

Do something for yourself and your kids. Do a fun activity for the family. Also help your kids, by telling his family and yours what he is doing. Exposing is a tool to help bring out the truth. 

You have been given excellent advice to wash this man right out of your hair and your life. Keep your distance. He could have stds.

Someday this will get better. Hang on for your kids. they need you.


----------



## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Phoo, focus on making yourself strong. Like someone else said, only communicate with him about essentials: the children and finances. He doesn't care what you think, and he will use your angry outbursts, however much he deserves them, to cement in his own warped foggy mind, why he "needs" to cheat.

You are an excellent example as a mother. You have shown your children that a person does not have to be disrespected and stay in a M with a cheater. You also got your children counselling.

Your H will most definitely get a worse attitude before he gets a better one...if ever. You have nothing to be ashamed of for not knowing sooner. You didn't marry someone thinking they would cheat on you. Many people miss the "signs" because they want to give their (cheating) spouse the benefit of the doubt. He took advantage of your trust, and that is on him, not you.

Accept the reality that the man you once knew and loved is gone, and this man who lies and cheats is not the man you married.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Know that many of us know exactly the pain you feel, and we are here for you.

IMFAR


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

No more voice contact. Period.

From this point on, limit communication to email *ONLY*. That way there is a paper trail. This also prevents him from verbally abusing you the way he's been doing. If he continues to do this, then you get a Protection/Restraining Order against him.

You see, now he's mad that he's lost control over you. For the past 23 years, he's had you controlled. He was able to be a serial cheater for the longest time. Very similar to my father.

Then rake him over the coal in the divorce.


----------



## Phh0000 (Dec 15, 2013)

you guys are awesome, thank you for the replies- i guess i just need to get my feelings out. Like one of you said (and maybe more) the guy i once knew is gone...this new person (the cheater, liar etc) is a new person that i cant be with and dont want to be with. i guess i just find it so weird that although he is the wrong doer- he acts mad like i did something wrong.

I hope i am able to log back on here in several months and be able to tell someone else going through this that it does get better in time. (i hope)

thanks again for the responses xo


----------



## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

Oh, I am so mad at him right now. "I don't have to listen to this" and walk out?!*&^$#@!!! 

After what he's done? OMG

Please keep posting and let us know how things are going for you - If you feel you need support when this crazymaking nonsense happens. 

I hope you and your kids have plans for a stress-free holiday.

Please take care of yourself.


----------



## Phh0000 (Dec 15, 2013)

thank you lostwife, i have been trying to read on this forum as much as possible and wow- so many similarities between situations- the same cheaters script, the gaslighting all the stuff is just unbelievable to me. (i obviously have been living in a bubble) thanks for your support...

i was doing so well for about a month or so and now it is obvious there is another person on the scene. My youngest telling me "i was going to dads but hes going to a friends christmas party" and seeing him driving around in a vehicle that is not his (his girlfriend i assume)- it just sets me back to the day he left and i feel like crap all over again. 

I try to tell myself that the person i thought he was is dead and this new person (cheater, king manipulator, liar) is a person i would never want to be with anyway.

My insecurities take over tho and i think wow- this new person (harder for me to deal with than other "people" he had before) may be the person to make him not be a liar, cheater, manipulator...maybe i should have been different- then maybe we could have been happy...

part of me is sad too because i know he is in this new relationship and it brought me back to the beginning of when he was so attentive and so into our relationship- anyway i am just rambling- i guess i just miss the person he was or i thought he was and almost envious that this new person gets the good version of him- the attentive one, the nice one etc. etc. 

Is it possible with this new person he wont cheat, lie or manipulate? Should i even care? I know he behaves that way with me so i know i cant have him. 

sorry to ramble..typing this junk out actually makes me feel better


----------



## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

Phh0000 said:


> thank you lostwife, i have been trying to read on this forum as much as possible and wow- so many similarities between situations- the same cheaters script, the gaslighting all the stuff is just unbelievable to me. (i obviously have been living in a bubble) thanks for your support...
> 
> i was doing so well for about a month or so and now it is obvious there is another person on the scene. My youngest telling me "i was going to dads but hes going to a friends christmas party" and seeing him driving around in a vehicle that is not his (his girlfriend i assume)- it just sets me back to the day he left and i feel like crap all over again.
> 
> ...


Its good to express your feelings here, its much better than trying to express them to him!

You are mourning and its ok. You believed in your marriage and in him and thats nothing to be ashamed of. Don't take on this toxic shame. 

You know I have a hard time with the old person/new person way of thinking. For me, I have a hard time accepting that the cruel person and the love of my life are the SAME person. Thats what I've been blind to. But your process may be different and it may be a case of semantics anyway.

But back to the point. NO. The answer is NO, this new person will not get the "best" him. Sure you yearn for the days when he gave you all the attention, you think she's getting that, but she is going to get burned just like you.

Let him drive around in her car! Be glad she is the one having to deal with his energy. If he did all that to you? Be glad his focus is on her now. 

Your H is not facing his issues, therefore he will be taking them over to her house.

(((HUGS)))


----------



## Phh0000 (Dec 15, 2013)

honestly lostwife you are so smart..thank you for your words...i especially love "he'll be taking his issues over to her house" - true indeed i guess


----------

