# Ladies -does how you view yourself physically affect your sex life?



## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

I just came across this article, not entirely sure how accurate. The jist of the article:



> A recent study done to align with the DVD release of Bad Neighbors about women’s preferences in men had some pretty interesting results: 3 in 4 British women would choose a man with love handles over a man with a 6-pack, and 96% predict an unpleasant date with an abs-obsessed man.
> This study isn’t talking about what women find aesthetically pleasing though – it’s asking who you would rather have sex with. A fantasy is not reality, and as much as I have a (healthy) obsession with Ryan Gosling and his photoshop worthy abs, my typical dateable guy could probably be described a “hipster hobbit”.
> 
> Sex therapist Tracey Cox (excellent last name for her profession – just saying) delves deeper into why exactly that is, and her reasoning is all too believable and pretty sad. Truthfully, women don’t want a man with a perfect body, because they feel that theirs is far too imperfect. Here’s another finding from the study: 74% said they’d feel self-conscious about taking off their clothes in front of a perfectly toned guy. Here’s another statistic from author of “Not Tonight Dear, I Feel Fat” Michael Alvear: 50% of women have put off sex because they felt too fat.
> ...


Now obviously the study does lose some credibility since it focused on British Women . Curious though, have you ladies rejected your SO or avoided sex b/c you felt insecure about your own looks?


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Yes, absolutely. I could have written that.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

SecondTime'Round said:


> Yes, absolutely. I could have written that.


So why is it so hard to just accept your appearance? I guess I don't often hear this being an issue with guys, I have never backed off sex because I felt bloated or not quite on point? Why is it different with women?


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

No. Even when I felt insecure about stretch marks after my first baby, my husband was completely affirming. "They are beautiful," he said. "Let me touch them."


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

EllisRedding said:


> So why is it so hard to just accept your appearance? I guess I don't often hear this being an issue with guys, I have never backed off sex because I felt bloated or not quite on point? Why is it different with women?


Because I've spent 20 years with someone who makes me feel bad about my body (minus a few years when we were not together and I dated people who did NOT make me feel that way). It's programming I'm working really hard with my therapist to overcome as I detach from him.....again.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

SecondTime'Round said:


> Because I've spent 20 years with someone who makes me feel bad about my body (minus a few years when we were not together and I dated people who did NOT make me feel that way). It's programming I'm working really hard with my therapist to overcome as I detach from him.....again.


Sorry, didn't mean to come off as harsh with my response as it wasn't my intention. I was just genuinely curious as it appears a significantly large percentage of women feel this way to one extent or the other based on the article. Aside from being with someone who is an ass and treats you poorly, is it also societal pressures that make females feel like they always have to be put together to be attractive?


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

EllisRedding said:


> Sorry, didn't mean to come off as harsh with my response as it wasn't my intention. I was just genuinely curious as it appears a significantly large percentage of women feel this way to one extent or the other based on the article. Aside from being with someone who is an ass and treats you poorly, is it also societal pressures that make females feel like they always have to be put together to be attractive?


You did not come across harsh .

Maybe for some people that is the reason. It is not for me, though. Mine is solely due to the opinion of one person, which I fully realize sounds ridiculous. I'm a very attractive woman who gets a lot of attention from men. But one imperfect human being has the ability to make me feel awful about myself.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I have never rejected a partner because I felt insecure about my body my looks.

I find that most men don't really care if you have a stretch mark here or there when it comes time to get down.

I wouldn't deny a man sex either just because he had washboard abs (who would do that?!) but it really is more about compatibility - I prefer to sleep with someone I like.So whether he has washboard abs (and most people don't) or love handles matters not. It's all about where I'm into him/he's into me and sex happens.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

SecondTime'Round said:


> Because I've spent 20 years with someone who makes me feel bad about my body


UGH. Not cool, yo. I'm sure he's no adonis himself. Fact is, most men don't look like Michaelangelo's David.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

SecondTime'Round said:


> *I'm a very attractive woman who gets a lot of attention from men.*


That sucks that one person could make you feel that way. I say print up the bolded, get it laminated, and always carry around with you. Anytime you feel bad about yourself, read that statement to yourself as a reminder!


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Jellybeans said:


> UGH. Not cool, yo. I'm sure he's no adonis himself. Fact is, most men don't look like Michaelangelo's David.


He actually does have a very nice physique. His character ruins it all, though.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Yeah, character can make or break a man. Some men are quite beautiful on the outside and UGLY as SIN on the inside and that's what counts. 

Personally my lady juices don't get going for A$$HOLES.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

My wife has expressed some variants of this mindset. She is very self conscious of her perceived imperfections, and her desire is very much tied to how she feels about herself. She says one of the reasons she enjoys copious amounts of sex with me, beyond just the fact that it is always really damned good is the fact that I always make her feel like the most beautiful, sexy, attractive woman in the whole world, and she can totally let go of her insecurities.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

EllisRedding said:


> So why is it so hard to just accept your appearance? I guess I don't often hear this being an issue with guys, I have never backed off sex because I felt bloated or not quite on point? *Why is it different with women?*


I wish I knew!

From my own experience, after my first baby the weight gain, stretched tummy, stretch marks... I hated seeing myself naked and allowing my husband to see my naked felt like opening myself and baring the most unattractive version of me. "Look how disgusting and fat I am." 

How could anyone be attracted to THAT fat bloated body?

The fact that he wanted to have sex anyway reinforced to me that it wasn't ME he wanted, it was just sex he wanted. It wasn't make love to ME, it was that he needed a hole to stick it in.

That was how I felt for a solid 20 years. *His silence with regard to any sort of compliment reinforced my twisted belief that my body was disgusting and he just wanted a warm hole.*

As such I can't stress this enough...it is nearly universal among women that our bodies are not worthy and there is something,mor a lot of things wrong so how could you possibly want this body? So men you MUST be able to express sincere loving words specifically about her body OFTEN! Even if she brushes you off, keep doing it!

How I lost this twisted mind set? 

1. I saw how black women seemed to be larger and VERY happy with their bodies. Very sexual and confident about their bodies. Unafraid to wear overtly sexual clothing and confident their bodies were exceptionally pleasing to their man. I totally envied that attitude and supposed that they didn't pressure themselves to be model thin and playboy bunny proportional maybe because black women are under represented in media. As a result, their standard of beauty was derived from what they saw among their peers, and their peers were normal looking women. So they never developed this crazy notion that female beauty MUST look like this...

2. I noticed my own husband and most other men who also did not have perfect bodies, yet feeling fat never affected their desire for sex. Why was that? Why didn't men, who ARE represented in media with perfection as the model, fail to hold themselves to that ideal the way women did?

3. So I decided to adopt a realistic view of what beauty is. If my husband could still want sex with his growing beer belly, and other men with serious love handles still wanted sex, they didn't predicate their sexuality on being able to offer perfection. So I would no longer hold myself accountable to offer perfection.

4. All of this revelation happened when I was still a size 6 and looked damn hot! But it really took root when I quit smoking and gained 30 pounds, then got pregnant and gained another 50 pounds! Yes, during that period my self loathing was at an all time high but I was really struggling with keeping the new mindset. So once I lost almost all of that weight, that new mindset took root and grew firmly.

I will never be a size 6 again. I will never have a perfect body but neither do most men. So my husband's beer belly has served to help me remind myself to be realistic and focus on the good, what I love about my body.

A woman's body image would be better served by a man who also has some body flaws. Getting naked with Mr Perfect would put way too much pressure on most women.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Anon Pink said:


> I wish I knew!
> 
> From my own experience, after my first baby the weight gain, stretched tummy, stretch marks... I hated seeing myself naked and allowing my husband to see my naked felt like opening myself and baring the most unattractive version of me. "Look how disgusting and fat I am."
> 
> ...


I wish I could like this post a thousand times. Thank you.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> I wish I knew!
> 
> From my own experience, after my first baby the weight gain, stretched tummy, stretch marks... I hated seeing myself naked and allowing my husband to see my naked felt like opening myself and baring the most unattractive version of me. "Look how disgusting and fat I am."
> 
> ...


This is the biggest hurdle my wife faces in her dealing with her body image issues. Every relationship before me, she could look objectively and see she had the better body, was more attractive than her partner, and she took comfort in that. With me, things are different, and it is a source of insecurity for her, and add to that, her comparing herself to my ex-wife...


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

> 50% of women have put off sex because they felt too fat.


Not me! And I would encourage all ladies to look at your BMI ( Calculate Your BMI - Standard BMI Calculator ) and if it is under 26, embrace your curves.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

No, I have never turned down sex because of how I felt about my body. 



Lila said:


> IME it has nothing to do with how the other person looks and everything to do with how they make us feel.


:iagree::iagree:

My husband has helped me feel good about my body. I have several large scars from different surgeries I have had, including a 9 inch scar down my thigh, and my husband would ask to touch it. He loved to run his fingers along my scars and just loved my body, which helped me feel so much more confident.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

samyeagar said:


> This is the biggest hurdle my wife faces in her dealing with her body image issues. Every relationship before me, she could look objectively and see she had the better body, was more attractive than her partner, and she took comfort in that. With me, things are different, and it is a source of insecurity for her, and add to that, her comparing herself to my ex-wife...


Well stop being so damn perfect!


But don't get to this point cause this isn't gonna get you laid either!

View attachment 34090


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Anon Pink said:


> As such I can't stress this enough...it is nearly universal among women that our bodies are not worthy and there is something,mor a lot of things wrong so how could you possibly want this body? So men you MUST be able to express sincere loving words specifically about her body OFTEN! Even if she brushes you off, keep doing it!


Agreed with this. My wife was always in good/great shape, had our 3rd kid about 2 years ago and is just getting back to the gym as of this week. She is not overweight by any means but definitely carrying some extra weight still. For me though she still looks great, still drives me crazy (in a good and bad way at times lol) so I do try to give her positive feedback. It is tough at times b/c where I may see a beautiful woman so I don't necessarily see why she would need reassurance, she obviously may not be seeing things that way.



Anon Pink said:


> A woman's body image would be better served by a man who also has some body flaws. Getting naked with Mr Perfect would put way too much pressure on most women.


This does go both ways, probably not to the same extent. I can tell you I have seen pictures of women who would be considered Ms. Perfect, and regardless of what my hormones may be saying, in the back of my mind I do tell myself that I don't think I could be with someone like that b/c of the pressure I would feel as well to try to match that. I would like to think I could get over that and take the plunge lol, but it is something that does enter into my mind at least.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Blonde said:


> Not me! And I would encourage all ladies to look at your BMI ( Calculate Your BMI - Standard BMI Calculator ) and if it is under 26, embrace your curves.


Exactly Blonde!

She is smoking hot! But if she didn't show such confidence she would not look so hot. It's 90% in your brain and you have the power to fix that!


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

My husband makes me feel beautiful, but he also wants to feel beautiful in my eyes...he doesn't want to be the only one pouring out compliments and reassurance, he wants to hear it, too. So we both make sure to express our appreciation for each other's appearance regularly.

If I didn't actually feel that way about him, I wouldn't be able to say it, though. I'm sure that's true for him, too.

But Anon's H is different...he literally has a hard time giving compliments. Which isn't really the same as not giving them because he doesn't have anything nice to say. It is tragic, really.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> Exactly Blonde!
> 
> She is smoking hot! But if she didn't show such confidence she would not look so hot. It's 90% in your brain and you have the power to fix that!


She's also been photoshopped to high heaven, with a professional hair styleist, makeup artist and photographer. Yes, she is bigger than a stick, but most size 14 women who tried to live up to that picture couldn't, just as most size 3 women couldn't live up to a similar picture of a size 3 woman, because they aren't real.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

samyeagar said:


> She's also been photoshopped to high heaven, with a professional hair styleist, makeup artist and photographer. Yes, she is bigger than a stick, but most size 14 women who tried to live up to that picture couldn't, just as most size 3 women couldn't live up to a similar picture of a size 3 woman, because they aren't real.


I am comfortable in my own skin. Don't feel like I have to live up to anyone else. As long as I am in a healthy range for BMI, exercise, eat right, I'm happy. I'm probably double that model's age and feel really good about my wrinkled battle scarred (8 live births) size 14 self. 

When I look in the mirror, I like what I see.








Even more important, when I look in the mirror, I like *who* I see.


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## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

so... it's weird. Overall I feel pretty good about myself. If my marriage were still good I would have no problem being naked and having sex with the body I have now. However, thinking about being with a new person for the first time like this does give me anxiety. It's strange logic. I haven't been taking care of myself like I should through my marriage problems the last couple years and it has lowered my self esteem a bit... I was actually at my healthiest right around the time our problems started. I had never felt better about my body! Healthy weight, nice and toned... everything. And yet my husband didn't care... and I began to not care... eating like **** and not working out regularly anymore... like going months without doing anything. 

I've recently started back up again with working out every week in the last month... it's slow going. And I'm just realizing how different my body looks. I wish I was at my best, not sure i'll ever get back to that. Sad husband took it for granted and no one enjoyed my hard work at the time that I felt so good about myself. 

So.. in a nutshell, I'd be fairly confident as I am now with someone that I love and am comfortable with. But that is not the case with my pending divorce, so no... I'd be quite self conscious letting someone new see me naked right now.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Anon Pink said:


> Exactly Blonde!
> 
> She is smoking hot! But if she didn't show such confidence she would not look so hot. It's 90% in your brain and you have the power to fix that!


She is not size 14, closer to 8


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I do think that they things projected in our culture have a lot to do with the way many women feel about their own bodies.

We are bombarded with images of 'perfect' women. We hear men talk about young, hot bodies.. that's what they want. 

If a woman I the public eye is imperfect, no matter what her status is, it's her looks that are criticized. Look at the way reporters talk about Hillary... a lot of the time it's about her looks. This is reserved for women.

Eating disorders are pretty common in elementary school and junior high school age girls and the numbers climb into high school and college. 

When girls are bombarded with pictures/videos of women with perfect (photo shopped) bodies and hear the words about women who are not perfect it molds their image of themselves.

Look at the advice given to men on here and in the entire MMSL literature... guys are told to get in shape and then go get a hot younger woman. Why? Because she's intelligent, loyal, moral, and other good qualities. Nope because she has (presumably) a perfect body and so she's a great fvck. In the end that seems to be all that matters. Women get this message loud and clear. 

Some women are able to hold back the avalanche of this nonsense. Others are not.


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## SunnyWife (Aug 6, 2014)

During my 20-some years with my Hubby I gained 10 pounds for each pregnancy (4 kids plus two miscarriages) and Hubby didn't change his attitude toward me at all and always made me feel desired. I never turned him down but definitely felt the extra weight and it did bother me. I didn't initiate very often either. Honestly I was more tired and just not in mood but Hubby could still get me into the mood when he tried. 

Then, one day about 5 years ago I hit rock bottom with my weight and I knew the time had come to do something about it. I got smarter about what I ate (did a lot of reading) and also got the Wii Fit and lost about 40 pounds in 3-4 months. The other 20 came off over the next year or so and now I work to maintain that weight loss. And guess what? My sex-drive sky-rocketed. Hubby had never complained about the weight (tells me that he never really noticed it) BUT when the weight came off he sure noticed and appreciated it. And I certainly initiate more often now, actually I initiate more often then he does now.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I have never turned down sex over how I felt Body wise, through 6 pregnancies (gained at least 40-50 lbs with each).... thankfully as I was more sexually hungry during those times.. I did want the lights out though..and I know I made comments.. that "I have to look like a whale".. it never affected his erections.. so I was good with that!

Most self conscious with the stomach/ always will be.... he was never turned off by this..stretchmarks to him are "the battle scars of our children"...


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## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

I always FEEL ugly, even though I guess I'm not too bad.

Then I worry about hygiene (as in I haven't had a shower in at least two hours).

I have a body full of surgical scars. That is the worst part.


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## FizzBomb (Dec 31, 2013)

EllisRedding said:


> Curious though, have you ladies rejected your SO or avoided sex b/c you felt insecure about your own looks?


Nope. Absolutely not.

I'd never cut off my nose to spite my face. When I'm horny and want to have sex, pretty much nothing short of a tsunami would stop me.

I don't have any hangups about my body. There are also things about my body that I don't like - I wouldn't call it a hangup though. I'm in my late 40's and wore a bikini to the beach this summer. I was deciding between a one piece and a bikini - the assistant told me with my bod I'd be crazy to cover it up. I believed her too.  You know, it's true - the 2 piece made me look taller and I've always been slim with a flat stomach. I've got children but not through pregnancy so I don't have a post preg body like other ladies. If I did I wouldn't let that stop me from enjoying a healthy and exciting sexual relationship with my husband. Why deny myself and him? Just doesn't make any sense to me.

I can certainly understand those women who have been with partners who have criticised their body - that's mean and cruel. I certainly wouldn't want to have sex with someone like that. Like some posters I also have some surgical scars - meh, I couldn't care less about them. I can't do anything about them anyway so no point in worrying about them.


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## Kristisha (Apr 29, 2013)

EllisRedding said:


> I just came across this article, not entirely sure how accurate. The jist of the article:
> 
> 
> 
> Now obviously the study does lose some credibility since it focused on British Women . Curious though, have you ladies rejected your SO or avoided sex b/c you felt insecure about your own looks?


I must admit that it did crossed my mind so many times but when my husband wanted to have sex I would not let my body image affect the mood. Or what I would do is just ask him if he find me attractive to show me.

That silly tactics always works for me because I don't want to avoid sex just because I feel puffy that day, especially if I'm in the mood for sex


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## quiesedba (Apr 19, 2015)

I can understand this body image thing to a point. But the women that cannot seem to get over a few flaws and have to be reminded all the time about how they look great is getting old. 

Most men do not care if you have a few minor imperfections, they just don't care. What they do care about is the constant worry and concern that women have over it. Frankly, it's a major turn off. 

Everyone has flaws, the media air brushes everyone.... 

Ladies here's a tip.... if you are 5'6 250 , then yes you need to take care of yourself ,, for nothing else than health reasons. 

if your 5'6 140 then, just stay healthy, and do what you can to stay attractive as you age. I know my wife has had 5 kids, shes 5'6 130 she works at it, but if she was 5'6 150 ... so what.... get over it already


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

The way I feel about how my body looks absolutely affects my sexual desire. And why WOULDN'T we feel this way? Every social media message we get says if you do not have a perfect body, you are not desirable. And it's not just the media. Recently a friend of a facebook friend said "If you don't look like a Playboy model, don't expect men to want you." 

As I've aged, I've become more compassionate with myself and just try to focus on my pleasure during sex, but there definitely are times when he's going down on me and I suck in my belly so when he wants to look into my eyes he can actually see them. And at that moment I am not feeling sexual desire; I'm feeling self-conscious.


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## Jeffyboy (Apr 7, 2015)

My heart goes out to the ladies regarding the constant battle they have with feeling secure with their bodies. I can't imagine how tough it is. Just do your best to keep in shape and that's more than enough! We guys don't care as much as most women think.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

I shed my body insecurities about 5-6 years ago. I had many when I was younger and somewhat overweight. Now I am very comfortable in my skin. I have lots of scars and some puberty stretch marks, but I yam who I yam.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

'I yam who I yam' love that, Satya!

Our sexual intimacy is not a place for my self-consciousness. It's the place to let go and be present.


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## FizzBomb (Dec 31, 2013)

Satya said:


> *I yam who I yam*.


I love this too. I think to myself that I'm only (relatively ) young once and feeling horny - so go for it! I'm gonna milk these nice sexy, erotic feelings for all it's worth and let go thoroughly and just enjoy the mutual pleasure. :smthumbup: I had my libido go hide and seek a few years ago (due to surgery) and it made me really sad. So when I feel it - look out ..... I'm not going to let it go to waste. The last thing on my mind is what I look like because I'm so focused on enjoying.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

heartsbeating said:


> 'I yam who I yam' love that, Satya!
> 
> *Our sexual intimacy is not a place for my self-consciousness. It's the place to let go and be present.*


AMEN to that :smthumbup:


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

heartsbeating said:


> 'I yam who I yam' love that, Satya!
> 
> Our sexual intimacy is not a place for my self-consciousness. It's the place to let go and be present.


Completely agree! A good reminder to ones self!


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