# Is Retrouvaille effective?



## won'tstoptrying53 (Feb 7, 2012)

My story: married 20 years, two kids, one in college, one a senior in high school. I got the ilybinilwy speech about 5 months ago. She moved out about 2 months ago.

After being separated for almost 2 months, my wife said yesterday that there is a shred of hope that she will consider reconciliation. She also said she will attend a Retrouvaille weekend retreat with me, in hopes that will help. She thinks I've never been in love with her, and that we never had the connection she is looking for.

Just two weeks ago, she said there was zero percent chance of staying married. So there is a little progress, but not much.

Does anyone know anything about the Retrouvaille program? I would like to know if it would work for us.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Was another man involved?



won'tstoptrying53 said:


> My story: married 20 years, two kids, one in college, one a senior in high school. I got the ilybinilwy speech about 5 months ago. She moved out about 2 months ago.
> 
> After being separated for almost 2 months, my wife said yesterday that there is a shred of hope that she will consider reconciliation. She also said she will attend a Retrouvaille weekend retreat with me, in hopes that will help. She thinks I've never been in love with her, and that we never had the connection she is looking for.
> 
> ...


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Before anything will help, she needs to stop seeing the man she's been seeing that lead to the ILYBINIWY speech.


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## won'tstoptrying53 (Feb 7, 2012)

Does ILYBINIWY usually mean there is an affair going on?


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

won'tstoptrying53 said:


> Does ILYBINIWY usually mean there is an affair going on?


There's a thread from the last two weeks that a person asked this and different perspectives were given.


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## CruxAve (Dec 30, 2011)

Sounds like you're just a back-up for when things go sour with her affair partner. There was zero chance two weeks ago, because things were going well then.

She should be the one groveling and begging.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

her bouncing back and forth is her relationship with the OM going good and bad. She is using you as her backup when it isn't working out with him.


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## Happy Again (Feb 21, 2012)

Is Retrouvaille effective? We were one day away from divorce when we attended Retrouvaille 20 years ago. It was nothing short of a miracle for us. It so changed our lives that we have continued to minister in Retrouvaille ever since. The program gave us effective communication tools, but like all tools you have to USE them...and for us that means EVERY DAY.


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## cabbage65 (Feb 14, 2012)

we went but obviously didn't work for us. but stbxh's heart was not in it, i feel he just went so he could say he "tried". i'm sure it could help many couples as long as BOTH want to succeed.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

I met a friend on here who was on the brink of Divorce last year after a very long marriage. His W reluctantly agreed to go to Retrovaille at his request not expecting it to change her heart in any way... they went and both decided to give it some real effort, for them it has been a blessing and they are doing things as a couple to improve their marriage and their lives.

In his W's case she had not entirely checked out and was not having an affair.

ILYBINILWY is almost always because of an external factor. Her saying she didn't think you've ever been in love with her really is a poor excuse firstly because she has rewritten history to suit her behavior (you never would have married each other if you were never in love with each other) and secondly because whatever your feelings are yours alone, whatever her feelings are hers - it is not your responsibility to control her feelings nor is it not fair to blame her insecurity on you... if she was never in love then it was her moral duty to never have claimed your heart, as for you it was your choice to make her your wife because you wanted her to have your heart.

Projecting her own out-of-love feelings back onto you when you were still in the relationship is a cruel and hurtful move that should make you angry. She is entitled to her feelings but she doesn't get a say about yours, so man up and reclaim your own soul. BTW, just from what you have said there are FIVE BIG RED FLAGS of infidelity and as long as she is hiding the truth there is never any chance of genuine R.

The five flags in your story:

1) ILYBINILWY
2) her separating (to have time and space I presume?)
3) blameshifting (turning the lack of loving feelings onto you)
4) rewriting history (that you never had feelings of love or a connection)
5) saying there was zero chance of reconciliation then shortly changing her mind (ie more external factors usually in the form of "the fantasy relationship with other man is not working out for real" a.k.a. "the grass isn't greener after all")


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## Happy Again (Feb 21, 2012)

Here's the thing about whether Retrouvaille will or won't work for you. 

IF you are willing to do all that the team couples ask of you during the ENTIRE program -- meaning the Weekend experience AND each and every Post Weekend Session, then you have an 80% chance of saving your marriage relationship. These statistics are based on a 5-year study in two MAJOR US cities.

Of all the couples who went through the ENTIRE program in those two cities, 4 out of 5 couples were either still together or back together again five years later as a result of their Retrouvaille experience. The other 20% said that the program was helpful.

For some (and this was my husband's point of view going into our Weekend 20 years ago), divorce was the only solution to our problems...he only went to the program to PROVE to others that he did nothing wrong.

We have seen couples come to the program with divorce papers in hand and have witnessed them tearing them up on Sunday evening. Some tell us they plan to cancel or postpone their appointment with the lawyer. Some say they will wait until the three months has passed to make decisions about their future together. One couple we know got remarried to each other and several others have renewed their marriage vows.

Our philosophy is this: the only thing you have to lose by attending the program is your time, but you have EVERYTHING to gain!


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## Happy Again (Feb 21, 2012)

Cabbage65: I don't want to pry into your personal life, but I'd be interested to know if you attended all of the Post Weekend sessions.


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## Glad2share (Mar 20, 2017)

My husband and I went to attended Retrouvaille 3 years ago. It was on a recommendation from my husband's therapist. Neither of us are practicing Catholics, nor are we even Christian for that matter. Without going into details, we were both struggling from an extreme crisis in our marriage. We decided to attend Retrouvaille to help us save our 29 years of marriage, spending our 30th anniversary at the Retrouvaille weekend. 

Our experience was overwhelmingly emotional. We couldn't have been more impressed by the courage of the presenters and the support and love of the Retrouvaille community. Through this experience, we developed empathy toward each other and tools of communication that we would never have been learned elsewhere. That weekend and the post sessions thereafter not only saved our marriage, but made us better versions of ourselves. 

Retrouvaille, like marriage, is hard work and a major commitment. Both partners need to attend with open minds and open hearts. The biggest idea that my husband got out of it was that love was a decision, not just a feeling. Everyday you should decide to love your spouse by acts of kindness and understanding. We both feel truly blessed that we have been able to stay together, to enjoy life together and plan a future together.


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## Proverb98 (Sep 20, 2017)

My husband of 4 years and I are separated. It's been 6 weeks since I discovered his ONS affair. It's been a roller coaster ride. I don't know if I want to reconcile, but I at least want to try. He doesn't have anyone around him who supports our marriage, in fact most of his friends and family are encouraging him to give up and leave. There is a Retrouvaille weekend near us in two weeks and he agreed to go, but he doesn't hink anything will help us. He thinks it's too far gone. I'm hoping at the very least we will learn to communicate in a way that'll get us through the divorce ( I filed the day after Dday in a knee-jerk reaction), that is if we don't reconcile.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Proverb98 @Glad2share

Welcome to the forum.

The thread you posted in is five years old, if you need advice or help, you could start threads of your own.


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