# I feel unwanted



## prettynothing (Nov 27, 2012)

Hello everyone.

Here is my dilemma.

I feel like my fiance of two and a half years does not want to have sex with me anymore. And it hurts.

I'm 23. 5'0. 100 lbs. Very pretty. I get hit on constantly and am always asked out. My boobs are very big and I have a nice err..backside, haha.


He is 24 and seems to just not want me anymore. Sometimes we would have sex once a day but lately it seems he does not want it anymore. And then I get upset at him or cry and blame myself and think I'm ugly. And he completely shuts down and refuses to talk at all.
Sometimes he says he doesn't wanna be with me anymore. But then takes it back.

I know I have issues but it just hurts my feelings that he does not seem to want me sexually. It makes me feel ugly and like there is something wrong with me. 

Am I wrong to expect sex once a day and feel hurt when he does not want too? I just really don't know what to do.

We live together and I work full time. He only works part time so I'm not home as often as he is.

Thanks..


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## Weathered (Dec 15, 2009)

Hi there.
Firstly, go easy on yourself - expectations give you a sense of inadequacy and make you want more than what you have. Being young and reasonably young in your relationship, it is normal to hope for sex on such a regular basis. Most men would be pleased for such an appetite. However, I did say *most*. 

Go easy on him. Not all men are wired to think of sex day and night. It is important, in fact crucial, for you to discuss your sex life with him and come to an agreement that works for the two of you.

Secondly, your self-esteem seems to be wrapped up quite tightly by how your fiance finds you physically. Then there is this awkward communication breakdown that seems to be a downward spiral for you both. You *need* to be able to communicate your feelings and desires at a deeper level and often. There are reasons why he speaks and reacts the way he does.

It is worrying though that he openly says he doesn't want to be with you anymore. Were they serious words? Again, you need to talk about why he says it and under what premise he comes to that conclusion.

Self-esteem is important to build, and I can only say it should be built outside the realms of what you see in the mirror.


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## prettynothing (Nov 27, 2012)

Hi thank you for your reply.


As I said, he completely shuts down when I'm upset. He doesn't react, won't speak and will only nod. The best way to describe it is to say he turns into a walking ball of depression.

So when I'm upset, half crying, half pissed off, I ask him if he even wants to be with me and sometimes he'll say no and I'll instantly stop and be like..wait, what?

Then he takes it back once he isn't a walking ball of depression.

I can't help it with the sex thing. I feel like as a man, he should always want me and sadly, I keep score and it's driving me insane. Like, a bit ago we had sex everyday for like a week and half. We didn't have sex for two days and did yesterday and now he's sick and just went to bed so that pushed me to finally post about this.

I know I'm being neurotic..but I just want him to say he doesn't want me anymore and then I'll just walk away. Why put up with someone that only wants you half the time?


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

The guy tells you he doesn't want to be with you any longer but "takes you back"? As in, gives in to you pleading to come back? Seriously, he shows you by his actions that you're not all that important. He tells you in his words that you're not important to him. It doesn't speak well of him that he works only part time while you're putting in your 40. They guy you give yourself to should make you feel better about yourself. He should make you feel like you are the most important being on earth to him. He should make you feel like you are more and can do more and are worth more than you'd ever thought possible. He should make you want to be your best. Is that what you have? You are 100%, exactly what someone needs and wants.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

So how frequently are you having sex? Everyday would be SWEEEET in my book; however, bear in mind that a healthy sex life does not have to occur daily. If he's having sex with you every other day then he is still well within the healthy sex life criteria. However, if you simply have to have it daily, then you may have to find a new man that will want to do that for you. 

Now if your sex life is much less frequent than every other day, then you have a legitimate gripe. Regardless of the frequency, if its not up to your standards, chances are he will never satisfy you from a frequency standpoint. Once married, he may decrease it even further. 

Bottom line is you need to have the talk with him about what he expects for a healthy sex life moving forward - just talk. No yelling from you and he cannot walk away to avoid the convo either. It must be discussed or it will remain the elephant in the room that neither of you will discuss.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

prettynothing said:


> Hi thank you for your reply.
> 
> 
> As I said, he completely shuts down when I'm upset. He doesn't react, won't speak and will only nod. The best way to describe it is to say he turns into a walking ball of depression.
> ...


Is part time work a recent development for him? If so, he may be depressed and not feeling like much of a man. As such, he may not feel that he's doing his manly duties as a provider and falling into depression. That could decrease his sex drive for sure.


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## prettynothing (Nov 27, 2012)

I've tried asking him if everyday was too much- should I not expect it? Would every other day be okay?

Sadly, I NEED to know what to expect. It's the type of person I am. 

However, he will only say that " it should be natural and not forced or timed or something, " and how can I argue with that?

It's logical but my way of being isn't so it's me that is built wrong.


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## prettynothing (Nov 27, 2012)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> Is part time work a recent development for him? If so, he may be depressed and not feeling like much of a man. As such, he may not feel that he's doing his manly duties as a provider and falling into depression. That could decrease his sex drive for sure.



We work at the same place. I'm a bit higher up and expecting a promotion soon. It's not work because he hates our work place and it's laughable to him. 

He graduated a while ago and is working on getting certifications ( he wants to be a personal trainer ) to get a decentish job. He is very broke and I pay for alot of his things. I had to pay alot of money to postpone his certifications because he wasn't ready a few months back and interestingly enough, it was cheaper to do that then to retake.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Crying and carrying on is a huge turn off. YOu might be driving him away.

He said tonight that he's sick. So now you feel rejected? He's sick... unless he's lying about it.


What else is not going well in your relationship?


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## prettynothing (Nov 27, 2012)

This is the issue. The only issue we have and it seems positively huge and depressing.

I need to know how to get out of this mindset. Or perhaps he just truly does not want me and I am wasting my youth


I have this fear that we will become this sexless couple that lives in separate bedrooms, like his parents do.


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## Kindabitter (Nov 23, 2012)

I have heard that guys like the hunt. Don't ignore him, but be involved with things other than him. If you are already, then be more involved and HAPPY. Guys love happy. (or so I'm told)


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

> I've tried asking him if everyday was too much- should I not expect it? Would every other day be okay?
> 
> Sadly, I NEED to know what to expect. It's the type of person I am.
> 
> ...


Well you don't need to argue that but your sure do need to discuss it. If you two cannot talk about your expectations then you are headed for trouble.






prettynothing said:


> This is the issue. The only issue we have and it seems positively huge and depressing.
> 
> I need to know how to get out of this mindset. Or perhaps he just truly does not want me and I am wasting my youth
> 
> ...


Huge red flag for me. Take it from someone that did waste too many years on a man that was not a communicator or HD like I am. WHen I finally took a good look at his parents relationship it became clear to me why he was the way he was.

I would do some serious thinking on this relationship.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

prettynothing said:


> I have this fear that we will become this sexless couple that lives in separate bedrooms, like his parents do.


I married a man like this and yes we did in fact end up sexless for longer than I'd like to admit. Looking to someones childhood will give you clues to how your marriage is going to look. Despite our best effort we ended up just like HIS parents and mine.

If I had to do over again I wouldn't have married him. I did in fact waste my youth on him. 

That's the bad news now here's the good news. I believe that it wouldn't have mattered if didn't marry him because the problem was in me. I think the hole in my soul was too deep to fill with sex which was what I was trying to do. 

What I didn't realize until I got into therapy was that I was in fact depressed and had anxiety. Oh and fear of abandonment, separation anxiety, low self esteem, codependency and a host of other mental problems that caused me to overreact to simple things like my husband not wanting sex with me every day. As I fixed ME the sex came back. 

Turns out a depressed, angry, crying woman isn't very attractive. Imagine that.

**I'd still think long and hard before marrying this man though. Or at the very least wait until you are happier. Things usually get worse after marriage not better.**


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If he has told you that he does not want to be with you, then you need to pay attention to what he said.

His actions are saying the same thing.

Did you cry and carry on when he told you that?


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## KendalMintcake (Nov 3, 2012)

You sound very needy in just your written word. What seems to be going on is you are really wondering how much he loves you and trying to validate it by parading a hot body in front of him. If he cannot resist you every time then you get the validation you are looking for. This is the wrong way to go about it and somehow you've come to believe that a hot body is the end all be all of male attraction. But te truth is that it is a blend of things from physical to mental to emotional. You need to in addition to fulfill his physical needs also his mental and emotional needs. Hopefully intellectually you guys mesh bit it seems for dang sure you arenkn two different emotional plains. Like others say, you need to show a little more confidence as guys really cannot stand (generally speaking) tears. Most of us have been raised to not know what the heck to do and feel more comfortable going away and coming back once the years are all blown over. So, how abut trying to tell realize that parading your body is not the answer and, that you should work on your own self esteem some more and build some confidence. If you do the right thing you should notice yourself not worrying anymore what he thinks. Btw, daily is an awful lot of sex. I am totally starved font and know that I could go five days straight bit sure I'd need a break after that 

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

You have a healthy, high sex drive and wanting it every day, that's every guys dream.

I know a guys in his mid 20's at work and his girlfriend wants it every day and sometimes 2 - 4 times a day. If she doesn't get sex for say 3 days, she gets mad at him!!! And she is hot like yourself.

Maybe he is stressed out because he only works part time? Not providing for you? Maybe it's his work? Or maybe he just has a low sex drive which isn't normal for a guy in his 20's.


I would say, since you're not married, move on unless his sex drive increases to your needs. Don't marry him expecting him to change.......


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

Move on.

Find someone who wants you.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Pretty,

It seems that you are a High drive and he's a Low drive

This will not change if you go forward with the marriage. Most likely it will get worse.

If you can't fix this issue before the marriage, call it off!

Consider yourself lucky enough to have realized this is an issue for you BEFORE you married him! Many who come here never realized this and attributed the low drive of their partner to factors such as stress from the job or planning the wedding itself.

Once he's working full time his desire will not go up!

Think long and hard about this relationship!


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

After reading this thread, I have a few points:

Firstly, wanting sex everyday is awesome, and kudos to you. That said, not everyone wants sex everyday (even a mid-20's man) so expecting it everyday is asking a lot. I think the typical relationship is roughly twice a week. Maybe try something like 3-5 times a week and see how that goes?

Secondly, this thread seems to point out the catch 22 men can find themselves in. As a man, it's almost impossible to turn down sex much, if at all, or people start thinking there is a problem. I mean let's be honest, just because a man doesn't want sex EVERYDAY does not mean that there's something wrong with him or that he's not worthy of you. I myself have only turned down sex a handful of times in my life and each time I got grilled as to why, like me saying no to sex is sacreligous or something. Many men face the same dilemma, once in a while we just aren't in the mood. That doesn't mean we are suddenly impotent, our T-levels are gone, we are having an affair, we need to go on a diet, or we find our mates unattractive. It just means that from time to time, men can actually not be in the mood for sex.

Thirdly, I'm a little shocked at some of the responses from the women in this thread, advising the OP to leave her man do to his lower sex drive. Once again, I repeat, she is asking for sex every day. To put it in context, the average couple has sex roughly 100 times a year. She wants it 365 times a year, or 3.65 times the average. And because he is unwilling to go to that level, she should leave him?

If this was a man saying he wanted sex everyday and complaining that his wife doesn't seem to always do it, I doubt anyone would be saying to leave. It's a ridiculous double standard.

My advise to prettynothing is to simply evaluate the importance of sex in a relationship to you in terms of frequency. Do you really need it every day? If so, then leave, but I suspect that you don't need it daily. Very few people actually NEED sex daily. 

If you elect to stay, I suspect you'll find that there are other issues at play here with your man. Firstly, there's the stress of getting a job and currently working part-time. For many men, there is actually an ego thing to having your partner earn more than you. That doesn't apply to me, but I know for many men it can be an ego blow to have their partner as the main income. Have you asked him if you making more money bugs him? It might and he might be distancing himself from you as a result unknowningly. This could explain the lack of sex.

Additionally, is there any other stress he's facing? Getting ready for these tests you mention to become a personal trainer? How are the finances? Any problems in the family? Marriage talk? Talk of kids? Anything else that could be causing stress?

I don't think that sex is the real root issue here, but rather a symptom. You may need to do some digging to get to the real issue.


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## MrHappyHat (Oct 24, 2012)

prettynothing said:


> Sometimes he says he doesn't wanna be with me anymore. But then takes it back.


Unless he said that in the heat of a nasty argument, then he doesn't want to be with you anymore, but he's too scared/lazy to break it off.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> After reading this thread, I have a few points:
> 
> Firstly, wanting sex everyday is awesome, and kudos to you. That said, not everyone wants sex everyday (even a mid-20's man) so expecting it everyday is asking a lot. I think the typical relationship is roughly twice a week. Maybe try something like 3-5 times a week and see how that goes?
> 
> ...


Some really great insight here but overall, if sex is an issue (regardless of it being a need or not) it is an issue that has to be surfaced with whatever other issues are underlying.

If the basic issue turns out to be a HD partner vs. a LD partner, she's better to at least postpone the wedding and try and work out a compromise than to go ahead and think things will get better when:

-He passes his tests
-He gets a full time job
-He gets that promotion he's been after
-He gets a raise
-etc, etc, etc

I think many HD individuals (myself included)either heard these type of excuses (or the corresponding "things will be better when the wedding is over, things will be better after I get pregnant, things will be better when the kids are older and I have more time for you....") or simply assumed them.

Oh yeah....That whole "I don't want to be with you anymore" statements? That's just pure mean. I say the next time he pulls that crap on you, you give him his walking papers


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

I do agree Toffer, it is a sexual issue, at least on the surface, and it does need to be addressed, however, if the OP also is expecting her relationships to involve a sexual partner that wants daily sex for an extended period of time, that as well will likely be an issue which will pop up for her over and over again.


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## JoeHenderson (Oct 3, 2011)

kingsfan said:


> After reading this thread, I have a few points:
> 
> Thirdly, I'm a little shocked at some of the responses from the women in this thread, advising the OP to leave her man do to his lower sex drive. Once again, I repeat, she is asking for sex every day. To put it in context, the average couple has sex roughly 100 times a year. She wants it 365 times a year, or 3.65 times the average. And because he is unwilling to go to that level, she should leave him?


There needs to be a lot of honest discussion about expectations and to see if there is a middle ground. 

Just because he can't or doesn't want sex everyday doesn't mean he doesn't love you, OP. That's a bit of black/white thinking. Consider other explanations.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

prettynothing said:


> We work at the same place. I'm a bit higher up and expecting a promotion soon. It's not work because he hates our work place and it's laughable to him.
> 
> He graduated a while ago and is working on getting certifications ( he wants to be a personal trainer ) to get a decentish job. *He is very broke and I pay for alot of his things. I had to pay alot of money to postpone his certifications because he wasn't ready a few months back and interestingly enough, it was cheaper to do that then to retake.*


Wait a sec...you two aren't married but your paying a lot of money to keep your man. How much resentment are you building up having to shoulder the load? Any reason why he isn't working full time? Was his major in school PT or OT? Why didn't he get his certifications right away when he first graduated? Something isn't right here, and IMHO sex should not be your major concern.

Also, edit to comment on your first sentence. He is not taking his current job seriously because it's beneath him? Just more to ponder here. You need to think long and hard about this guy because right now I think you are setting yourself up for a failed marriage. Again, the sex is not your major issue here. As a man, he should be feeling a sense of pride trying to be the provider. I don't think he wants to be a provider to be frank about it...


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> My advise to prettynothing is to simply evaluate the importance of sex in a relationship to you in terms of frequency. Do you really need it every day? If so, then leave, but I suspect that you don't need it daily. Very few people actually NEED sex daily.
> 
> *I don't think that sex is the real root issue here, but rather a symptom.* You may need to do some digging to get to the real issue.


This was what I was trying to say but you said it better than I did.

It isn't the root issue but I did suggest she NOT get married until she fix it as it only gets worse. This is a bad dynamic that rarely ends well for the woman.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> This was what I was trying to say but you said it better than I did.
> 
> It isn't the root issue but I did suggest she NOT get married until she fix it as it only gets worse. *This is a bad dynamic that rarely ends well for the woman*.


Or a man!


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Toffer said:


> Or a man!


I think it's agreed that to have sexual issues in a relationship sucks for whoever is facing them (or doesn't suck, depending on what you are after ).


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> After reading this thread, I have a few points:
> 
> Firstly, wanting sex everyday is awesome, and kudos to you. That said, not everyone wants sex everyday (even a mid-20's man) so expecting it everyday is asking a lot. I think the typical relationship is roughly twice a week. Maybe try something like 3-5 times a week and see how that goes?
> 
> ...




With all due respect and I think your points are valid however I think you have missed the subtext here.



> And he completely shuts down and refuses to talk at all.
> Sometimes he says he doesn't wanna be with me anymore. But then takes it back.


Huge red flag. Non communicator.

The other major one I picked up was that his parents relationship is distant.

From experience just these 2 things are enough to warrant some serious thinking about the relationship.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Holland said:


> With all due respect and I think your points are valid however I think you have missed the subtext here.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


You are correct those are possible issues as well. I guess in my wall of words I forgot to mention those as well.

I don't personally view the parents relationship as a red flag in itself yet unless the son views his parents relationship eviably. If he thinks they have a good marriage model, yet have a largely sexless marriage, then yes it would be a flag. 

As well, any time someone refuses to communicate in a relationship it's a huge flag. Whether its sexual or not. Communication must be available or it'll burn a hole in the relationship via resentment and misunderstanding.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

My bet is he isn't communicating because he's scared the OP will start crying, yelling or become otherwise intensely emotional.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> You are correct those are possible issues as well. I guess in my wall of words I forgot to mention those as well.
> 
> I don't personally view the parents relationship as a red flag in itself yet unless the son views his parents relationship eviably. If he thinks they have a good marriage model, yet have a largely sexless marriage, then yes it would be a flag.
> 
> As well, any time someone refuses to communicate in a relationship it's a huge flag. Whether its sexual or not. Communication must be available or it'll burn a hole in the relationship via resentment and misunderstanding.


Healthy communication is key, I learnt that they hard way.


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## Ostera (Nov 1, 2012)

Pretty, I have read the responses so far. Let me ask this. You state you 'need' sex everyday. I am wondering if one of the underlying issues is that although you are pretty, you have low self esteem issues and boost it by the sexual behavior. If that is the case your man may find that unattractive. Therefore, performance falls off. Do you think this may play a role in your relationship?


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Holland said:


> Healthy communication is key, I learnt that they hard way.


Sadly, me too. I think it was the biggest problem in my marriage to my ex-wife. Her unwillingness to communicate on some issues that put the spotlight on her (such as sex) led me to not want to communicate with her (likely due to resentment) so we just drifted apart. By the end we were just two people living in the same house with our kids but leading totally seperate and sometimes secretive lives and spent a good chunk of what little time we spent together fighting.

I think a lot of that could have been avoided if communication was open from the start.


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## prettynothing (Nov 27, 2012)

Ostera said:


> Pretty, I have read the responses so far. Let me ask this. You state you 'need' sex everyday. I am wondering if one of the underlying issues is that although you are pretty, you have low self esteem issues and boost it by the sexual behavior. If that is the case your man may find that unattractive. Therefore, performance falls off. Do you think this may play a role in your relationship?



Yes. I think so at this point. 

I don't like being rejected and I don't understand why he wouldn't want me so I blame myself. I'm pretty, make decentish money and am good at Halo. I feel like maybe any other guy would work a little harder to try to keep me but not him.
He doesn't seem to notice me sometimes. 

Like I said, he shuts down when I'm upset and it's impossible to talk to him so I have to drop how I'm feeling and instantly work on making him feel better.

But then I still feel bad.

He doesn't want me to leave him. Maybe it's the free ride or free sex, who knows. Part of me wants to stop being this loyal person to him. I'm 23. I don't do anything bad. I work and come home and make him dinner, buy him the special body builder stuff he needs, play him in Halo a few times and give him sex.

But whenever I seem to want anything, he can't give it. Like sex. It has to be on his terms, when he wants it. Not when I want it. So if I don't have sex when he wants it, maybe we just wouldn't have it? Who knows.

Maybe if I started going out, and drinking and coming home late and not answering his texts, he would realise that other people might like me too and want a shot. But he probably wouldn't care.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

prettynothing said:


> Yes. I think so at this point.
> 
> I don't like being rejected and I don't understand why he wouldn't want me so I blame myself. I'm pretty, make decentish money and am good at Halo. I feel like maybe any other guy would work a little harder to try to keep me but not him.
> He doesn't seem to notice me sometimes.
> ...


Read the bolded.

Many men come to these boards complaining about a wife who won't have sex with them, and then they rattle off a long list of things they do for her, such as the laundry, cooking, work full-time, etc. Rule number one we tell all those men is more chores/tasks won't get you more sex. If the woman won't give you sex when you are just being you, what's going to change if you turn into a maid for her?

The same applies to you. He's not giving you something you need (sex). So if your response is to cater to him, why would he give it more? He made a decision you don't like (declining sex) and in return to you try harder and give him essentially whatever he wants. That sends the message that his behaviour is not only acceptable, it's also correct.

I think you should start doing what you stated, go out with friends, get a hobby or just do something for you. If he'd rather play Halo than have sex with a (self-described) gorgeous 23-year-old woman, that's his call.

In the meanwtime, I'd also take an inner-look at yourself. It's not common for anyone, male or female, to need sex everyday. It seems to be tied to your self-esteem, that getting sex is a validation that you are attractive/worthy/admired/etc. 

It's great to have a healthy sex drive and either your current man, or someone in your future is going to absolutely worship the ground you walk on if you maintain that sex drive. But do it because you want sex for sex, not because of any sense of validation you get from it.


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