# Disagreement about the kids, and how to handle things...



## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

my oldest is 16, and she is difficult to raise (she has a LD similar to Aspergers but much higher functioning), she really is, but, I think my husband is over the top hard on her. I get annoyed, and I lose my patience and I sometimes yell at her, but when it comes to the bigger decisions, I try to be reasonable-- I try to step back and think about what we are doing and why. 

He is very draconian and always wants to jump to the most severe punishments. I am trying to change her behavior through making her live with the consequences of her actions and decisions and he seems to me to be just punitive. 

She has a horse, she is a very successful equestrian. She is currently looking at colleges with teams. We will be selling her horse after she graduates high school...it is very very costly, we all know it and she understands (even though she wishes it could be different) that we must do this. My husband wants to SELL the horse at every infraction from talking back, to bad attitude, to grades not as good as he thinks they should be, to forgetting things, etc-- pretty common 16 yo things. Every time it is, you know, she doesn't DESERVE that horse. She is generally a good (if not difficult) kid- no drinking, drugs, sex, boyfriend issues, car crashes, you know...and other adults really like her alot. 

I find myself in the constant position of defending her, defending keeping the horse and then I get to argue with him like he is a child as he proclaims 'nobody gives a **** what I think around here'-- well what the heck, your 'solution' is ridiculous and reactive. 

The kid only gets to keep the horse for one more school year, to me, threatening to sell him isn't productive nor at all conducive to a decent relationship with her. 

I have agreed to reasonable consequences related to the horse- for example, when she had a very bad semester at school mostly because she was irresponsible about going for help and the like when she was supposed to, I was totally on board to saying NO to a horse show that would require her to miss 5 days of school...you know, no grades, no privledge to miss school-- at least it makes sense! 

The thing is, we live on a big property where he can hunt (he wanted that), he has a motorcyle, he has tons of hunting and fishing equipment, he is a member of the game club in town and goes to events and such... yes, it stretches the budget, but it is almost over, we aren't even close to going bankrupt and I am the way that works the crazy ass job to pay for it all. 

I just want him to STOP putting that on the table at every turn...it is exhausting and puts us constantly in an adversarial position with each other and I hate it.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

I'd sell the horse. Not worth it in my opinion. It's already stretching your budget and it's making you both crazy.

To clarify I tend to pick people over things and pets. And your dd will get over it. I can barely afford a new bike for my kids so I'm having a hard time caring about your giving up an obvious unnecessary luxury.


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

magnoliagal said:


> I'd sell the horse. Not worth it in my opinion. It's already stretching your budget and it's making you both crazy.
> 
> To clarify I tend to pick people over things and pets. And your dd will get over it. I can barely afford a new bike for my kids so I'm having a hard time caring about your giving up an obvious unnecessary luxury.


Wow..we have LOTS of unnecessary luxuries, including this bing honking house that sucks us dry of cash and time at every turn. Why does one person of the family get to dictate what is unnecessary? I think his stupid motorcycle is unnecessary.


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## SadieBrown (Mar 16, 2011)

magnoliagal said:


> I'd sell the horse. Not worth it in my opinion. It's already stretching your budget and it's making you both crazy.
> 
> To clarify I tend to pick people over things and pets. And your dd will get over it. I can barely afford a new bike for my kids so I'm having a hard time caring about your giving up an obvious unnecessary luxury.



I think you are totally missing the point. I don't think the problem is so much the horse as it is her husbands attitude and threatening the girl with it over every tiny infraction. 

Did you miss the part where the father also has plenty of 'toys' but it is the mother who pays for it?? Sounds like the father just wants it all for himself. 


The girl sounds like a typical teenager to me but the father sounds like he has some anger and control issues. 

Selling the horse may help the family budget, but it's not going to fix what is wrong with the father.


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

SadieBrown said:


> I think you are totally missing the point. I don't think the problem is so much the horse as it is her husbands attitude and threatening the girl with it over every tiny infraction.
> 
> Did you miss the part where the father also has plenty of 'toys' but it is the mother who pays for it?? Sounds like the father just wants it all for himself.
> 
> ...


Exactly...if we decided together we needed to sell the horse to make ends meet, then fine...but we don't. The problem is his approach to discipline and consequences. I imagine he'd find something else ridiculous after the horse is gone. Like I said in the OP, I doubt selling the horse is going make her suddenly decide to change her behavior.


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

SadieBrown said:


> Did you miss the part where the father also has plenty of 'toys' but it is the mother who pays for it?? Sounds like the father just wants it all for himself.
> 
> 
> .


And this...honestly, I don't behoove him his toys, I don't even mind paying for them, but if I choose to use my salary and forgo toys and stuff for me and instead do something for my kids, I want him to shut up about it.


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## SadieBrown (Mar 16, 2011)

Lisa, I tried to sent you a private message but I'm not sure if it went thru. Please let me know if you get it.


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## SadieBrown (Mar 16, 2011)

lisa3girls said:


> And this...honestly, I don't behoove him his toys, I don't even mind paying for them, but if I choose to use my salary and forgo toys and stuff for me and instead do something for my kids, I want him to shut up about it.



That's good, I think married couples should be generous with each other. But it sounds like he needs to tone it down with the daughter, constant stress and disagreements with her father is not doing her any good now or in the future. Her relationship with her father now will shape her relationships with men in the future. She doesn't need to see men as someone who is constantly making threats if she doesn't do just as he wants. Does he ever just sit down and talk to her calmly and explain what is expected of her and what reasonable consequences she can expect if she doesn't do her share? That would be proactive instead of reactive and works much better.


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

SadieBrown said:


> That's good, I think married couples should be generous with each other. But it sounds like he needs to tone it down with the daughter, constant stress and disagreements with her father is not doing her any good now or in the future. Her relationship with her father now will shape her relationships with men in the future. She doesn't need to see men as someone who is constantly making threats if she doesn't do just as he wants. Does he ever just sit down and talk to her calmly and explain what is expected of her and what reasonable consequences she can expect if she doesn't do her share? That would be proactive instead of reactive and works much better.


No, and I cannot even TALK to him about it...he starts the babyish responses like "oh so nothing I ever do is right around here" or "nobody cares about my opinion in this house"-- like talking to the door knob and just starts a fight.


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## SadieBrown (Mar 16, 2011)

lisa3girls said:


> No, and I cannot even TALK to him about it...he starts the babyish responses like "oh so nothing I ever do is right around here" or "nobody cares about my opinion in this house"-- like talking to the door knob and just starts a fight.


Yes, and it is a fight you will never win. If one of you is acting like a child it will just go around in circles and nothing will ever get solved.

The best thing you can do is not engage. When he starts making such childish statements simply tell him that when he is ready to discuss it like an adult then come and find you and then simply walk away. He probably won't give up that easy and it takes a lot of resolve to stick to you guns, but why get sucked into another pointless argument? Go sit in a dark room and count to 10000 if you have to, or go for a walk or anything to remove yourself from the situation. 

You can't control his childish attitude, but you can control your own reaction to it.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

What else does he feel ignored about? He's just overreacting to the horse in a desperate attempt to be heard. that means he feels shut out in a lot of situations, and not just this one time. maybe your lives have become too much about money and not enough about family. he's yelling at you and the daughter, you're yelling at your daughter and him. my mom and dad were in a similar struggle and it blew up in their face and tore the family apart. They both thought they were right but from my perspective, they were both wrong. I had a full ride scholarship to college, also. it doesnt mean much if home life is hell.


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

Blanca said:


> What else does he feel ignored about? He's just overreacting to the horse in a desperate attempt to be heard. that means he feels shut out in a lot of situations, and not just this one time. maybe your lives have become too much about money and not enough about family. he's yelling at you and the daughter, you're yelling at your daughter and him. my mom and dad were in a similar struggle and it blew up in their face and tore the family apart. They both thought they were right but from my perspective, they were both wrong. I had a full ride scholarship to college, also. it doesnt mean much if home life is hell.



I don't know...I think he is unhappy with him, but rather than doing something about it, he is blaming us. I cannot make him happy if he is not happy with his place in life. He SAYS he wants a job, but he doesn't try to get one, he SAYS he wants more company, but when I tell him I'll be home on Saturday afternoon for example, he says, oh great, I am going to take a ride on my motorcycle. I mean, cool with me- I don't care if he gets a job, nor do I care if he prefers some down time on his bike in the afternoon rather than hanging with us, but don't complain to me about your own choices. I used to stand on my head trying to please, but he wasn't happier so I stopped.


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## AvaTara539 (Apr 10, 2011)

I'm sorry but it sounds like this guy is a jerk. He wants to keep ALL of his hobbies and get rid of your daughter's passion and that's just selfish. Also no good can come of 'draconian' uber strict parenting. It's diminishing to her self worth already and then he wants to take away the one thing that might really boost her self esteem, her talent as an equestrian? That sucks!


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

AvaTara539 said:


> I'm sorry but it sounds like this guy is a jerk. He wants to keep ALL of his hobbies and get rid of your daughter's passion and that's just selfish. Also no good can come of 'draconian' uber strict parenting. It's diminishing to her self worth already and then he wants to take away the one thing that might really boost her self esteem, her talent as an equestrian? That sucks!


Yep, and the kid has had it hard...school is hard (she has a 3.1 GPA, but that is a struggle for her), social is hard, she is really uncoordinated in many ways, and she was bullied for years leading up to high school. She is a pain in the *** teen often times but geesh.


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## AvaTara539 (Apr 10, 2011)

Have you considered getting an MC to talk about these issues with you and your husband? For one disagreements over child rearing can definitely impact a marriage. And a lot of the time husbands who like having control a bit more than others (if they are willing to go to counseling to begin with) will respect the opinion of the "expert" and give the issue more thought than he might coming from you. Anything that gets the wheels turning is good


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

AvaTara539 said:


> Have you considered getting an MC to talk about these issues with you and your husband? For one disagreements over child rearing can definitely impact a marriage. And a lot of the time husbands who like having control a bit more than others (if they are willing to go to counseling to begin with) will respect the opinion of the "expert" and give the issue more thought than he might coming from you. Anything that gets the wheels turning is good


Sort of...my daughter is seeing a counselor herself, and the woman is a family counselor, so yes, we are going to chat with her about this...I hope he listens.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

lisa3girls said:


> Sort of...my daughter is seeing a counselor herself, and the woman is a family counselor, so yes, we are going to chat with her about this...I hope he listens.


My H sounds very similar to yours with punishments from left field. It's frustrating. He too doesn't join in family yet complains about being left out. We have done 3 MC and counselor offered (he accepted) IC. He wants to get better and that's all that keeps me here is hope things can get better. His fighting style is the same as your H. I'll update you as things progress.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

golfergirl said:


> My H sounds very similar to yours with punishments from left field. It's frustrating. He too doesn't join in family yet complains about being left out. We have done 3 MC and counselor offered (he accepted) IC. He wants to get better and that's all that keeps me here is hope things can get better. His fighting style is the same as your H. I'll update you as things progress.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The pisser of the whole thing is I can live with it if he prefers NOT to do things like go to horse shows or skating competitions...I get they are boring to him. But crap, don't refuse to do things with us, take off on your own or with your buddies when you want to and then complain you are lonely. I don't really know what he expects me to do exactly.


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