# “I’ll try harder”



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

This is a spin off from another post where the LL partner said that they will “try harder” and it got me thinking about the phrase “I’ll try harder.” 

When I first heard that, I found myself strangely offended but couldn’t my finger on why.

I mean after all aren’t we supposed to commend people putting in extra effort?? 

But in matters of love and intimacy, Do we really want people to have to “try” to be with us??? 

What are your thoughts? Is it a comfort to be told that they will at least pay lip service to outing in extra effort? 

Or is a sign of darker things to come if they have to reach down and put in more effort to bring themselves to touch you?

Have any of you heard this phrase and instead felt it almost an insult?? 

Is it an encouraging sign of hope, or is it a bad omen?

What are your thoughts on “I’ll try harder”?


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

If they were saying it about dividing the chores in the household, and they actually followed through then that would be a positive thing. 

I don't think anyone should have to try harder sexually because you are correct that that means they are going to try to do something they really don't want to do and of course that is directly meaning they don't want to have sex with you that way or that often or whatever that I'll try harder was about. I don't think anyone should be put in that position where they have to try to do something that isn't comfortable for them at that rate or at that particular task. I don't think you should ask a person to try harder in bed. 

On the other hand if what they are saying they are willing to try harder to do is make time for sex that they themselves would like to have with you, that is okay. And of course that is a reality for people with very busy schedules and kids and whatnot. If they both want to have sex and still have any energy left over for it, they probably really do have to try harder to make it happen.


----------



## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

"I'll try harder" is said to deflect momentarily and/or for a period of time trying to do something that is not there, but said with wishful thinking, knowing perfectly well that it will not happens.

With my first wife, I did not wait for the "I'll try harder" moment. I left the relationship after a little more than three months of the no sex boloney. I have always understood that if the other person is not feeling it you cannot force it. It's not possible to feel that which is not natural to you. Sadly, too many people for some reason spend most of their life trying to make their partner to want them. That my friend is complete lack of self-respect and dignity.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

DownByTheRiver said:


> If they were saying it about dividing the chores in the household, and they actually followed through then that would be a positive thing.


Now I know what your priorities are! LOL 😆


----------



## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

I guess the phrase shows that person's willingness but it in reality it seems that if you are having to get to the point of constantly discussing it and thats the reply, it might be rather pointless by then?


----------



## Mybabysgotit (Jul 1, 2019)

oldshirt said:


> This is a spin off from another post where the LL partner said that they will “try harder” and it got me thinking about the phrase “I’ll try harder.”
> 
> When I first heard that, I found myself strangely offended but couldn’t my finger on why.
> 
> ...


It depends, if you have responsive desire, then yes, trying harder is absolutely a good thing and not an insult. All that means is that you'll try to keep it in your thoughts more because it's easier to do something else. Like tonight, I'm going to try harder and try and focus on that and not on being lazy and watching a movie instead.


----------



## AGoodFlogging (Dec 19, 2020)

"I'll try harder" is just code for "I want to end this conversation but won't do anything to improve the situation."


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Mrs. C and I have pretty much avoided this but the closest we came was her holding back, controlling and doling out the sex because a couple of bitter church ladies convinced her something was wrong with our marriage if she didn't.

I figured it out and had one serious, but loving, talk and she immediately took me upstairs and laid waste to me and has not let up since.

I guess I can appreciate someone trying harder but Mrs. Conan just fixed it immediately and never looked back.


----------



## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

oldshirt said:


> Have any of you heard this phrase and instead felt it almost an insult??


Wasn't insulted....at first. But after being told that several times with no subsequent ''trying harder'' it rang hollow.

That was many moons ago, and the situation is largely resolved, so it's not an issue anymore.


----------



## Quad73 (May 10, 2021)

Interesting subtle difference here for me. 

No one should ever have to feel they should try harder (being pressured) to do things they're not comfortable doing. 

But on the other hand, trying harder to try things outside of a "comfort zone" is almost mandatory and often greatly appreciated. That's basic exploration. After all, sex 101 itself when you're a virgin is definitely outside the comfort zone. It's 100% good to keep evolving and growing outside of what one is comfortable with, right?


----------



## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

It really depends on what "try harder" means, in context.

If it's in regard to something that they don't like to do, then I'm with DownByTheRiver - coercing your partner to have sex with you, of any kind, even with their consent is a losing proposition.

But "try harder" might be about "I forget to think about the things that you like that aren't on my radar, but need a nudge to remember", you're in a whole different position. That's like me remembering to bring home flowers every once in a while, because it's important to her, and I certainly don't dislike it.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Quad73 said:


> But on the other hand, trying harder to try things outside of a "comfort zone" is almost mandatory and often greatly appreciated. That's basic exploration. After all, sex 101 itself when you're a virgin is definitely outside the comfort zone. It's 100% good to keep evolving and growing outside of what one is comfortable with, right?


While I kinda get where you are coming from, that’s not really the same context of a LL spouse telling their partner they will “try harder” to meet their partner’s needs. 

It’s not about voluntarily working on broadening horizons or exploring new territory outside their comfort zone. 

.....it’s about trying to get someone off their back about something they don’t want to do in the first place. 

I didn’t “try harder” to lose my virginity for I wanted to have sex in the first place. It wasn’t something I had to “try” at, it was something I naturally did.


----------



## Quad73 (May 10, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> While I kinda get where you are coming from, that’s not really the same context of a LL spouse telling their partner they will “try harder” to meet their partner’s needs.
> 
> It’s not about voluntarily working on broadening horizons or exploring new territory outside their comfort zone.
> 
> ...


Yeah, I understand and agree with you. I should have quoted the post I was referring to.


----------



## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

I would find it offensive - first because I would never want to beg someone to live me the way I deserve/expect.
Second - because there is no “try” - seriously, you either do it or you don’t! 

I would take that comment as “I’ll tell you what you need to hear but I won’t make the effort for you”. 

I think it’s a smoke screen comment.


----------



## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

As to the phrase, "I will try harder" there are multiple thoughts for me.

First, it may either be, as some have pointed out, a way to end the conversation. However, it does indicate a recognition that one has pointed out something that their partner considers legitimate enough to agree with or so threatening that they want to end the conversation.

What I have learned over the years is that words are cheap, but actions are what really count. I'll try harder may or may not be a promise of a change in actions. It it is a promise to change actions, then it is good. If the actions don't change, then is is just meaningless words.

The problem I see is that meaningless words, destroy trust in your partner's words and ethics and that will destroy a marriage.


----------



## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

I have to admit it sounds immature and unserious to say, "I'll try harder"


----------



## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

So my wife she would try, not harder, but at all. She succeeded (twice yesterday).

I think the key with “try harder” is it’s a one and done. When someone says they’re going to try and then they don’t; that’s about it right?


----------



## Quad73 (May 10, 2021)

ccpowerslave said:


> So my wife she would try, not harder, but at all. She succeeded (twice yesterday).
> 
> I think the key with “try harder” is it’s a one and done. When someone says they’re going to try and then they don’t; that’s about it right?


My wife and I are going through something like this, and she's asked for a lot of re-trys. I honestly don't know if granting them is weakness, idiocy or love. I'm leaning more towards love as time goes by, as I can be impatient sometimes.

When someone says they'll try in some other area of life, e.g. lift more weight at the gym, and fail, is it one and done? Maybe I'm having trouble with the concept of 'try' and someone will help clarify. Interesting thread for sure.


----------



## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

Quad73 said:


> When someone says they'll try in some other area of life, e.g. lift more weight at the gym, and fail, *is it one and done*?


I don't think so. It takes time for people to change, and, to me, expectations are getting more and more unreasonable.

We're people - not machines.

Of course, it depends on what we're talking about and the severity of the behavior. But expecting to someone to just hop to, because you've expressed you want things to be different, is unrealistic

That's tyrannical and done out of selfishness - not love.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

minimalME said:


> I don't think so. It takes time for people to change, and, to me, expectations are getting more and more unreasonable.
> 
> We're people - not machines.
> 
> ...


I disagree with what you are saying but concede that much will depend on context.

If we take some of these people here that have not had any form of affection on intimacy for months and months on end and have been consistently rejected by their partner, and when they approach said partner about the lack of connection and constant rejection and are asking if there is something or something they are upset about or is turning them off etc, that is not tyranny or selfishness. 

And when their partner gives them the brush off and simply says, “I’ll try harder”, what are they actually saying?

At best they are saying they “try” to like them and “try” to want to be with them. 

Wanting your partner to like you and want to be with you, I do not see as something that is unrealistic or an unreasonable wish. 

By saying you’ll try “harder” is IMHO also acknowledging that you haven’t been putting sincere effort in the first place. 

Are we supposed to give kudo’s to someone when they say they’ll try harder when they are essentially saying they were negligent in the first place?


----------



## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

oldshirt said:


> I disagree with what you are saying but concede that much will depend on context.


I understand, and I expect to be disagreed with on this site.

I don't even have to read the threads anymore, because everyone's advice is 'divorce'.


----------



## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

I think we’re focusing too strongly on “trying harder” at something that’s a physical thing or requires a mental reframing… when the real issue might be closer to “try harder to understand what rejection feels to me,” Because that’s what’s so difficult for some of us. Do they know? If they do, what does that mean? That’s a frightening thought. Because it becomes more about them not wanting to give up control, at the expense of the relationship.


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

oldshirt said:


> ...it got me thinking about the phrase “I’ll try harder.”
> 
> When I first heard that, I found myself strangely offended but couldn’t my finger on why.


In my opinion, "I'll try harder" sounds like the phrase from someone being made to feel inadequate. 

I'm not perfect and when it comes to my issues I'll often own up to the fact that I might struggle with something by saying, "I am aware that I struggle with that and it bothers me as well." The conversation will continue assessing what things I have tried and as a couple evaluating what things of any has actually helped. Then that is following with a plan of action combined with trying to understand what some realistic expectations will be. Even better if it is something we can work together on as a team and help each other. 

Now having been in that position, if someone tells you, "I'll try harder" be very careful that you are not making someone feel inadequate and chipping away at their self confidence. If anything you want to say things that help a partner feel better about themselves as a way to help them work on being a better self!

Regards, 
Badsanta


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

badsanta said:


> In my opinion, "I'll try harder" sounds like the phrase from someone being made to feel inadequate.
> 
> I'm not perfect and when it comes to my issues I'll often own up to the fact that I might struggle with something by saying, "I am aware that I struggle with that and it bothers me as well." The conversation will continue assessing what things I have tried and as a couple evaluating what things of any has actually helped. Then that is following with a plan of action combined with trying to understand what some realistic expectations will be. Even better if it is something we can work together on as a team and help each other.
> 
> ...


That may be true when teaching some kind of student to do some kind of manual task or psycho-motor skill. 

But when an intimate partner rejects you and hasn’t laid a finger on you in multiple months, that is not a confidence issue or skill issue - it is an attraction and desire issue.

And attractions and desire are not something that one “tries” to do. It’s typically something you either have for someone or you don’t.


----------



## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

oldshirt said:


> But when an intimate partner rejects you and hasn’t laid a finger on you in multiple months, that is not a confidence issue or skill issue - it is an attraction and desire issue.


Or, as I mentioned earlier, a control issue. If we’re talking sex, both access and denial are huge; allowing access prior to marriage might gain a lot of things while denying later on might provide that same feeling of power and control. Access, on the other hand, if that’s seen as the norm, then where’s the power or control coming from? It isn’t. 
Interesting to postulate flat feelings of control may be intensified by conflict.


----------



## Ldziesinski (Nov 18, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> This is a spin off from another post where the LL partner said that they will “try harder” and it got me thinking about the phrase “I’ll try harder.”
> 
> When I first heard that, I found myself strangely offended but couldn’t my finger on why.
> 
> ...


I guess it would be in the context. As we get older and have families, and more responsibility, sometimes it is harder to find the time. Not that it is not something you dont want to do, but to me I would hope if I had to have those conversations it would be, I will try harder to make the time, and remember its a priority, and to not let daily crap get in the way of the relationship, since it is easy to get into the day to day swing.


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

oldshirt said:


> *And attractions and desire are not something that one “tries” to do. It’s typically something you either have for someone or you don’t.*


Completely disagree, but only within the context of there having been attraction and desire at some point. 

At a young age good sexual intimacy is all about hormones and friction. That changes as we age and sexual intimacy becomes overwhelmingly mental. The transition between those two does require some effort to rediscover one's self sexually. It is not easy for everyone. 

Seriously, if you are someone in your 40's to 60's, odds are what turns you on at this point in life is no where near associated with the things that would do it for you when you were a teenager. What changed? How did you learn about it? Did you open a handbook with detailed instructions on how your body is changing? Odds are you probably have invested a great deal of time reflecting on things in order to stay in touch with what it is that reliably turns you on. Some people either don't have time for that or don't inherently seem to be good about stying comfortable with their bodies as things change.


----------



## aaarghdub (Jul 15, 2017)

“I’ll try harder” is most effective when internalized… not externalized. I’ll try harder is something you tell your coach or personal trainer not lover.

Agree with many other posts… it’s a comment to end the conversation. Much like a kid saying “I’m sorry alright!”


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

aaarghdub said:


> “I’ll try harder” is most effective when internalized… not externalized. I’ll try harder is something you tell your coach or personal trainer not lover.
> 
> Agree with many other posts… it’s a comment to end the conversation. Much like a kid saying “I’m sorry alright!”
> 
> ...


I was just telling my wife last night, I do t want to hear her say she’s going to work on this or that (which she’s said many times without much change). What I want to hear her say is y’know, I just found myself making reasons and excuses, and I’m going to try and spot that and tell you about it. That, to me, is more important than “what needs to change” itself. It’s self-awareness in real time that kills things, I think.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Casual Observer said:


> I was just telling my wife last night, I do t want to hear her say she’s going to work on this or that (which she’s said many times without much change). What I want to hear her say is y’know, I just found myself making reasons and excuses, and I’m going to try and spot that and tell you about it. That, to me, is more important than “what needs to change” itself. It’s self-awareness in real time that kills things, I think.


All this can be grouped into the human trait no one like to be criticized. Tact is your friend.


----------



## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> All this can be grouped into the human trait no one like to be criticized. Tact is your friend.


I believe this issue is greatly magnified when one doesn’t want to ever look back at something and think, I could have handled that better.

Regarding tact in general, ideally you want someone to feel it was their idea, not yours. That’s the ultimate buy-in.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

badsanta said:


> Completely disagree, but only within the context of there having been attraction and desire at some point.
> 
> At a young age good sexual intimacy is all about hormones and friction. That changes as we age and sexual intimacy becomes overwhelmingly mental. The transition between those two does require some effort to rediscover one's self sexually. It is not easy for everyone.
> 
> Seriously, if you are someone in your 40's to 60's, odds are what turns you on at this point in life is no where near associated with the things that would do it for you when you were a teenager. What changed? How did you learn about it? Did you open a handbook with detailed instructions on how your body is changing? Odds are you probably have invested a great deal of time reflecting on things in order to stay in touch with what it is that reliably turns you on. Some people either don't have time for that or don't inherently seem to be good about stying comfortable with their bodies as things change.



That may all be true and our sexualities due evolve and change as we age.

But that doesn’t really change anything that’s been said here. 

Attraction and desire aren’t something that one tries. And if someone has to “try harder” to like you and want to be with you, that is a pretty ominous and foreboding sign.


----------



## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

oldshirt said:


> That may all be true and our sexualities due evolve and change as we age.
> 
> But that doesn’t really change anything that’s been said here.
> 
> Attraction and desire aren’t something that one tries. And if someone has to “try harder” to like you and want to be with you, that is a pretty ominous and foreboding sign.


Agree. If someone is going to have to "try harder" to want to kiss me or have sex with me, no thanks. They can just go **** off.


----------



## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Casual Observer said:


> I was just telling my wife last night, I do t want to hear her say she’s going to work on this or that (which she’s said many times without much change). What I want to hear her say is y’know, I just found myself making reasons and excuses, and I’m going to try and spot that and tell you about it. That, to me, is more important than “what needs to change” itself. It’s self-awareness in real time that kills things, I think.


How about saying, thank you dear for committing to this. What are the things you are the specific things you are going to do to make such a change actually happen?


----------



## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Young at Heart said:


> How about saying, thank you dear for committing to this. What are the things you are the specific things you are going to do to make such a change actually happen?


That hasn’t worked so far and it’s kind of silly to think it suddenly will. Best I can hope for is honesty. She’s got reams of exercises created by therapists and goals and promises on paper. In a way, past failures create an environment that makes future failures more comfortable for her. There was only one therapist who tried to hold her accountable (and me, too). That therapist fired her because she didn’t think my wife was honest and willing to give up her false narrative.

This isn’t supposed to be all about me though. I’m just pointing out different ways to look at the questions in the original post.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Casual Observer said:


> I think we’re focusing too strongly on “trying harder” at something that’s a physical thing or requires a mental reframing… when the real issue might be closer to “try harder to understand what rejection feels to me,” Because that’s what’s so difficult for some of us. Do they know? If they do, what does that mean? That’s a frightening thought. Because it becomes more about them not wanting to give up control, at the expense of the relationship.


Interesting point but I think it goes deeper than that actually.

The mountain lion does not care what the sheep thinks or how it feels. 

If someone has no or very little feelings for their partner, then their partner’s feelings have no concern for them. 

Maintaining power may have something to do with it but that still implies the relationship and other person still has a place of importance for them even if subordinate. 

I kind of agree with those saying that it is simply a blow off to get the other person off their back in the moment and leave them alone. 

In a way it’s like when the child is asking for some new toy or asking if they can stop for ice cream on the way home and the parent replies with, “we’ll see.”

The real answer is no but parent says “we’ll see” to shut the kid up in the moment and hope they forget about it shortly. 

They’re just saying it as an appeasement to get them off their back now in a manner that doesn’t set them off crying and carrying on at that moment.


----------



## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

oldshirt said:


> That may all be true and our sexualities due evolve and change as we age.
> 
> But that doesn’t really change anything that’s been said here.
> 
> Attraction and desire aren’t something that one tries. And if someone has to “try harder” to like you and want to be with you, that is a pretty ominous and foreboding sign.


If you have to beg someone to love you and make more effort to prioritize you - the relationship ship is already doomed.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I’ve never liked the word “try”. To me it implies considerable potential for failure (and that especially applies to sex).


----------



## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

If my partner tells me “I’ll try harder” that would be a signal for myself to try harder to retain an attorney.

I feel badly that OP doesn’t share those thoughts and therefore lives in unfulfillment and mediocrity.


----------



## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

oldshirt said:


> In a way it’s like when the child is asking for some new toy or asking if they can stop for ice cream on the way home and the parent replies with, “we’ll see.”
> 
> The real answer is no but parent says “we’ll see” to shut the kid up in the moment and hope they forget about it shortly.
> 
> They’re just saying it as an appeasement to get them off their back now in a manner that doesn’t set them off crying and carrying on at that moment.


This example was the exact example I was going to use...Glad I saw it when perusing the other posts to not be repetitive.. 

Saying "I'll try harder" is just a dodge or a stall...no question...the example provided is no different really...

I mean, stop and think about it...

We've all been with a partner (I hope at least), that basically what you had to "try harder" with is not to want to bone them in public or something...No one needs for this to be a chore, a duty, or anything else resembling those things...It should be something that is eagerly looked forward to, not coerced, not scheduled, and not needing the intervention of a therapist, etc..Once it gets to that level, then it's really not doing what it's supposed to do in your life....IMO, anyway...

With all that said, it's not easy to maintain this over the long haul...for a variety of reasons, but IMO/E when it starts very strong, then it's not likely to ever fade off, even if it's not as strong as in the beginning...It also helps to have a relationship where the other aspects are not causing intimacy to fall off...I would probably lose interest sexually in the hottest of women if she wound up being lazy, nasty, spent all my money, or any other general incompatibilities....

My .02 is know exactly what you want and never settle in this area...Too many people settle, that's why they are where they are....


----------



## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

OP, i suspect you have a damaged frame of reference--too many sexless months (or years) under the bridge.

if MY wife said "I will try harder" when we were talking about new kinky things to try out....i would be happy indeed. variety is the spice of life


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Talker67 said:


> OP, i suspect you have a damaged frame of reference--too many sexless months (or years) under the bridge.
> 
> if MY wife said "I will try harder" when we were talking about new kinky things to try out....i would be happy indeed. variety is the spice of life


As many of us have been saying, it's about context. 

A person knows when another is actually trying to accomplish a common goal with them as opposed to not caring about them and not wanting to be with them and are just giving them the brush off to change the subject and get them off their back. 

In many of these threads about the lack of connection and affection, one of the common things heard from the disinterested party is that they say they will "try harder." 

It's one thing to voluntarily try a new kink. 

It's something completely different when someone says they will try harder to like you.


----------



## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

oldshirt said:


> It's something completely different when someone says they will try harder to like you.


Its not always that someone doesn’t “like” or even “love” their spouse. It’s more of an inability to meet their partner where their partner is. Understanding where their partner is coming from and not doing what YOU think is nice but leaving YOUR comfort zone and entering that of your partner. Kind of a love languages thing but love languages makes it seem like it shouldn’t be that big of a deal. For some, it is.


----------



## A18S37K14H18 (Dec 14, 2021)

Whether it's about sex or anything else, saying one will try harder is worthless.

When someone tells you that, ask them WHAT exactly they are going to try harder at.

Are they going to initiate more?
Are they going to have sex in the a.m. (if they don't).
Are they going to have sex at night (if they don't).
Are they going to have sex once during the week and once on the weekend?
Are they going to read up on foreplay so they know more about it?

If they have offered excuses in the past, like they are too tired, but now say they will try harder, what exactly are they going to try harder at?

Give them a piece of paper and a pen and have them make a list of actual things they are going to try harder at.

If they are too tired, are they going to go to bed earlier?
Are they going to begin exercising as that gives folks more energy?
Are they going to begin eating better, drinking more fluids?

So, whatever they are going to try harder at needs to actually be discussed.

Otherwise it's just an excuse, they are just trying to end the conversation with you right then by promising to try and that's B.S.


----------



## aaarghdub (Jul 15, 2017)

oldshirt said:


> As many of us have been saying, it's about context.
> 
> A person knows when another is actually trying to accomplish a common goal with them as opposed to not caring about them and not wanting to be with them and are just giving them the brush off to change the subject and get them off their back.


This. Like the ice cream example earlier. You weren’t thinking about ice cream before they asked, you’re focusing on getting home and zoning out on your phone. You were focused on what you wanted to do and it didn’t include what the kids wanted.

The bottom line is the unsaid thing is they don’t have any desire to. Like the gym, you either like/want to go or you have to get prodded/guilted into going. Why do you think gym attendance skyrockets once you’re single again compared to the months before you got dumped? Because the “I’ll try harder” bill came due and you got cut off for non-payment.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

A18S37K14H18 said:


> Whether it's about sex or anything else, saying one will try harder is worthless.
> 
> When someone tells you that, ask them WHAT exactly they are going to try harder at.
> 
> ...


Not enough to just have them write stuff down. I think a key item is for the person to evaluate themself after a week or two. Create their own score card. Do the scary thing and judge yourself. That’s a real leap for some. It removes the “control” aspect when it’s not their partner saying they failed (because that’s rationalized as the partner wanting his or her way, which of course is seen as control).

Im just getting this figured out as I write. How do you turn the need to control on its head? Self evaluation could be something to try.


----------



## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

I'm not 100% sure it's trying harder to like you. To me, trying harder sounds as if they either feel guilty or feel inadequate. I'd be concerned with finding out what's behind those feelings.

IS the connection broken? Do they know that you like them (as a person, not just a sex partner)?


----------



## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

Do or do not. There is no try.

Trying harder is for an athlete. Or maybe a student with poor study habits. In a relationship context, "I'll try harder" sounds like there is an unspoken 'to be something I'm not' at the end of it. That can only be doomed to failure. It's also very uneven. Why does one partner have to try harder, while nothing is expected of the other? Relationships are about compatibility and compromise, not one spouse trying harder to conform to the demands of the other.


----------



## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

I don't think "trying harder" works for _anything._ It doesn't even really mean anything. 

To most people, "trying harder" seems to mean scrunching their face up a bit.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Laurentium said:


> I don't think "trying harder" works for _anything._ It doesn't even really mean anything.
> 
> To most people, "trying harder" seems to mean scrunching their face up a bit.


Not when I'm out fishing. I'm bona fide trying harder periodically. But similar, as that does come in spurts. Doesn't last forever.


----------

