# Emotional Affair: Worth overcoming?



## FriedEgg (Oct 28, 2009)

My wife and I have been married for one year, and together for nearly four. Throughout our relationship, we have had various issues that I deemed normall for a couple. For instance, she would say I wasn't doing enough to show I cared, or we would have an argument at times if I felt she was being irrational about something small. But, what I didn't think was normal was that she always tended to take our arguments to the extreme. She would often become incredibly emotional, cry uncontrollably, and say (often) things like "I don't think we should be together/engaged/married". It seemed that every time we had an argument, rather than being a bit peeved with eachother, talking it out, and then moving on, she would take it to the extreme right away. We also had issues communicating about our issues at times. I'm more of a person who likes discussing things out in the open, where she doesn't like feeling pressured to talk about things at times. From the very beginning of our relationship, there would be times where we would be having a great evening, and she would suddenly burst into tears. She would say that she was certain I would leave her someday for another woman. I would assure her that I would never do that, but she wouldn't listen to it. We nearly broke up once before we were married, just to add a bit of background.

When we got married, we began living with one another for the first time. I was travelling across the country every week for a year, and would be home on the weekends. As we adjusted to living with one another and being married, we had a tough time. I would ask her to make sure she took care of administrative things like her bills, laundry, etc. She would get a bit annoyed with me, saying that I was treating her like a child. I'm sure I could have worked on my tone at times, to be fair. Any time we would have a fight, she would say that I didn't show her enough attention or do anything to show I cared. I would point to some things I did, but she would sort of gloss over them. I agreed to try harder, and would work on it with no results. We continued to have the same argument, and she would often cast doubt on whether our marriage would work. I would stress that the first year is difficult, and that marriage is really hard work. She would continue to suggest the possibility of divorce, just months into our marriage, because she wasn't happy with the way I was treating her. She would often say, "I haven't been happy in X years" dating all the way back to the start of our relationship, even though I could tell she was happy OFTEN throughout. I had letters from her that apologized for the way she acted at times, but that she was truly happy with me and excited for our lives together. But, any time we had an argument, it would seem like she was changing her tune to support her current position. I started becoming a bit distant, worried that my wife was wishy-washy on her commitment to our marriage. I would often pay my wife compliments throughout our relationship. I honestly find her stunning and incredibly sexy. When I told her this, she would say, "You're just saying that because you have to." She would also often tell the dog, "Your dad doesn't care about us or love us." I would often tell her these things, and show her at times, but she would continue to say that I never make her feel pretty or express that I love her.

About 3-4 months ago, things got really rough for us. She would get upset more frequently and would get too upset to talk with me. Rather than work it out, she would go out to the couch to sleep. She would also spend more time out on the couch watching TV before coming to bed, and wait for me to fall asleep before coming in. We were going to move to a different state so I could attend grad school, and she was going to stay in our then current state for a month or two to save up some money. We went on a trip in August right before the move, and during the trip, we had another argument. She mentioned that she thought we should take a break from eachother while we were in separate states. She wanted me to evaluate other women, nothing physical of course, to determine whether I thought she was the right one for me. I insisted that she was, but she really wanted us to have a break. Before she left for home to start the break, she left me a letter that said she had found us again and that she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me, see our children grow, etc. I sent her an email a couple days later that said I missed her and wanted her to come out to live with me soon. I would send several subsequent emails, texts, phone calls that told her I wanted to really work on our marriage together (and improve the things I knew I needed to improve about the way I had been acting). At one point, she mentioned she wanted to move out here so we could work on it together, but after that she stopped responding. I would ask her why, and she would get upset and say she needed space before her weekend visit out here to see me. She basically didn't want to hear from me until she was ready. That's about the time I found the bomb.

Looking through the phone records, I noticed she had been texting a number every day, from morning through late at night, for the last 3-4 months. When I was trying to talk to her, she was texting this number instead. So, I asked her if she had been seeing somebody. She said no, and that I was being paranoid because she asked me for space. I asked her to explain the text messages, and she said it was a friend from work who she had been talking to since I was making her feel lonely. I asked her why she did that when I was trying to talk to her all along, and she didn't really have an answer. After our conversation, she said she still needed space.

Two weeks later, I surprised her for our first anniversary. I know she asked for space, but this day was important to us and I wanted her to know I felt the same way. When I was up in her bedroom at her parents house changing, there was a note laid out on top of her folded clothes in her suit case. It was written to her "friend" from work. It basically said things like, "the one-time fluke thing that became a habit", "seeing his expression in their children's faces", "that what they had was true", and that she loved him. I folded the note up and put it into my pocket. When she saw me, she didn't look happy to see me or hug me but said, "What are you doing here?" We eventually talked about the note, and she explained that she wasn't having an affair. When I asked her to explain the contents, she just said that he was taking their friendship too seriously and that the letter was written to end their friendship. I didn't believe her at all, but carried on to take her to dinner. I saw texts pop up on her phone from him throughout the evening. So much for the letter ending their "friendship".

She basically told me that she wasn't willing to cancel the plans she had made with her friends for that weekend, so I left two days ahead of schedule and returned home. Before I did, we agreed that we were both committed to still working on our marriage, but I told her she needed to cut all and every tie with that other man or I would be gone. She agreed, and I left for home. A few days later, she told me that she felt I was moving too fast in trying to repair our marriage. She wanted to crawl, I wanted to run. Fair enough, I backed-off until her planned visit to come out to see me.

A friend of mine met her to have dinner, and told me that her phone was getting blown up with text messages all night. He also said she seemed a bit guarded, and that she almost seemed to be hiding something from him. He also told me that she had somewhat fallen out with some of her friends, and that they suspected she was doing something awful to me. She had also blocked me from seeing her Facebook updates, friends lists, and her pictures from a trip she took shortly after we went on break. She hid all this once I found out about the other guy. (when I first asked her about it, she said facebook was screwing up and hiding her albums and updates from everybody. I then found out that members of my family were able to see everything; only I wasn't. It was clear she intentionally blocked me from all this.) Shortly before her trip, I asked her about all this. I told her that if she was serious about our marriage, she needed to finally come clean about what had been going on. She admitted that she had been having an emotional affair with this guy for a few months. She said that absolutely nothing physical happened, though. So, we pressed on for her visit.

When she came out, I had felt like I was being lied to throughout this process. She would tell me one thing, and then only admit it if I had hard concrete evidence to prove she wasn't being truthful. I had decided before her visit, that I would show her a great weekend. Nothing romantic, or talking about what happened, but just enjoying eachothers' company again. Everything went well, and we seemed to have a fantastic weekend. However, when we started talking the night before she left about our situation, I mentioned how important it was that she move out as soon as possible to start being together while we go through this. Before she came out, she had agreed to come out for good two weeks after her weekend visit. Suddenly, she was changing her story. Now she wanted to wait until after the holidays so she could save up some money before moving. I explained to her that this was admirable, but that we would be fine with the money we already have. I stressed that doing everything we can to save our marriage is the most important thing right now. She still said she wanted to wait two more months before moving out, rather than the two weeks she agreed to before. 

The morning she left, I sat her down and mentioned that I didn't think she was committed to our marriage. Waiting two more hellacious months apart would be an awful way for us start mending our marriage back together. I also mentioned how she didn't seem like she was really into me anymore. She didn't kiss me much that weekend, didn't show much affection, but did seem to be extremely happy. In short, combined with the fact that she kept pushing out her move date, I told her I didn't think it would work and that we should perhaps go our separate ways. I also mentioned that I was having a hard time believing her after all the lies she had been telling lately. During our train ride to the airport, she was incredibly quiet. When I said goodbye to her at the airport, I hugged her and wished her luck with everything, and she wished me luck on my exams. She said she loved me, kissed me a few times, and then we walked off.

On the train ride home, and that evening, I was a bit sad, but felt I had made the right decision based on what information she had been giving me lately. That night, she sent me a text thanking me for an amazing weekend and said she missed me. That next morning, she asked if I would be willing to come out to see her so we could celebrate our birthdays together. She wanted to throw me a special birthday weekend. I responded that I wasn't sure she had been listening to me the previous morning. She asked what I meant, and I replied that she wasn't willing to start working on our marriage together soon and that I had told her that wouldn't work for me, given everything that had happened. She then said she would move out in about four weeks and asked if that would be okay. I took it, and the fact that she wanted to celebrate our birthdays together as a sign that maybe she was coming around again and ready to work on our marriage. I was pretty excited as I hadn't see that for a while.

Then, the next day we were exchanging emails, and she ended up telling me that she didn't feel the attraction she had hoped for or expected that weekend. She said that she felt like she was walking on eggshells so she wouldn't trigger my "insecurities" or get me to start accusing her of things. I was shocked to read this, since I'm not an insecure person. But when you catch your wife having an affair, you tend to have heightened levels of attention to certain things and experience a range of emotions. Later, I told her what I had read from others who went through similar things: spouses who have affairs have difficulty feeling attraction for their spouse right away. It takes time to develop that again, since they have been giving and getting it from somebody else for so long. So, at that point she mentioned that she was committed to moving out here in about a month, that she still wants our marriage to work and wants to throw herself back in, that she wants to do everything we can to save it before deciding whether to end it, and that she doesn't currently have those same feelings for me that she did before.

So, here I am trying to decide what to do. When I told my parents and friends about the situation, they basically thought I was crazy to give her another chance. They heard all the stories about our arguments and situations from the last four years, and said a bunch of red flags popped up in their heads that this woman is not somebody I would want to spend the rest of my life with. Still, they encouraged me to make my own decision, but it's apparent that they strongly believe (all friends and family, without exception) that I have done everything I can and should end it. I have always been a fixer, to be honest. When I've been in long relationships in the past, I am never the one to end it but rather try to find a way to make it work. So, I find myself wondering why, after all the things that she has done to me, the affair, the lying, the constant inconsistency, I am still trying to save this. Don't get me wrong, I love her tremendously and think our relationship has alot of fantastic qualities that are rare, but I wonder if they outweigh the large issues constantly looming.

I wanted to come here to post this insanely long story with hopes that you all can offer some insight. I know many people here have gone through (or are currently going through) similar situations, so your input is tremendously valued.

Thanks in advance!


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## recent_cloud (Apr 18, 2009)

your wife is basically a good person; she's just too immature to be married.

she's confused although she's trying to do the right thing.

this marriage, the committment, does not bring out the best in her, but it does bring out what you see as the best in you.

you get to fix yet another person, or relationship.

fixing things is a hobby or a job, not an activity around which to build a relationship.

you should cut her loose because she doesn't have the maturity at this point to live up to the responsibilities of a marrige, and this marriage is just setting her up to fail again and again.

she needs moral permission to date, experience life as a single person, grow up, and learn how to be emotionally self-sufficient.

and you might also benefit from more time on your own.

you both sound like really wonderful young people, and you still have time to be friends, and who knows what else, down the road.


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## FriedEgg (Oct 28, 2009)

recent_cloud said:


> your wife is basically a good person; she's just too immature to be married.
> 
> she's confused although she's trying to do the right thing.
> 
> ...


My father told me the same thing regarding her not being mature enough for a marriage right now. She is really a good person, but just got mixed up into some things that are uncharacteristic of her.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

She may be immature or she may have borderline personality disorder or some other issue. I first thought borderline when you said how extreme she goes and how at the mere thought of losing you she wants to break up the relationship. 

She needs to be evaluated and treated for whatever it is that's wrong with her or you can expect more of this over time. No marriage should suffer this much in the first years.


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## recent_cloud (Apr 18, 2009)

as they saying goes:

listen to your father:smthumbup:

i'm sorry you two ran into such complications, but it's for the best to let her go, best for both of you.

and who knows, your story may not yet be over.

no one knows what time may bring.

just don't make her feel badly about the break-up, concentrate on the fact that maybe you're just too young and marriage is just too serious of a business, and it's time to have fun growing up again.


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## FriedEgg (Oct 28, 2009)

Thanks for the advice; I'm sure my dad would like hearing that.  I spoke with her last night about the situation, and suggested that perhaps she's just not ready to be married. She insisted that she wants to come out here and work on it with me, making sure we employ every resource possible (counseling) before we make a decision.

But, she's still acting oddly. Now she's going back on her claim that she had an emotional affair. She says that she was infatuated with his attention towards her, but didn't have any feelings for him. She has deleted him from her facebook account, which is at least comforting.


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

FE-- Please don't order her to do anything like that. She needs to WANT to do that. She needs to grow up and your still acting like a father/daughter.. Pull back and see how she wants to grow up..


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## scarletblue (May 20, 2009)

I think she needs to make up her mind on what she wants. She's flip flopping all over the place. It does sound like she is still very immature, at least when you argue.

It sounds to me like she doesn't know what she wants, but she wants to keep you hanging on while she decides. That is not fair to you.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

She sees she is losing you and she is trying to convince you that what she did wasn't so bad. 

Is there abuse in her background?


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## outinthecold (Apr 30, 2009)

Sorry dude, an emotional affair to a woman is the end all to cheating.

She made her choice, and it was a choice she made.

Anytime a woman needs space or whatever she says about that, it is over dude.

My X dragged it out but she already made up her mind and left emotionally.

Then it is just paperwork.


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## FriedEgg (Oct 28, 2009)

If she made up her mind already, why prolong it? Why take the huge effort to quit her job, totally uproot her life, and move out across the country if she already knows what she's going to do?
Why would she continue to lead me on, if that were the case? Despite what she has done, I don't think she's that kind of person. 

When I told her about the idea of me letting her go, she didn't seem to want to do that yet. She wants to try everything possible to save it first. 

I guess I'm wondering if those of you who have seen this before think it shows effort, or if it shows she's still being wishy washy.


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

FE- Dude if you want her back you need to push away. I know it sounds wierd but you need to see what she thinks she wants isn't what she wants. Its all confusing but trust the people talking to you. We all can't be wrong right? Not al the time does it work out but this does more times then being a doormat.. Remember there is money involved. She could be prolonging it to make her financially set. She is trying to get her ducks in a row. You are letting her do that. Your getting NOTHING fromthe relationship. Why would you want it right now?? Not saying it will always be this way but it is right now and its not healthy. Kick her out now...


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## recent_cloud (Apr 18, 2009)

yes she's making an effort, she's a good person

she's just too immature to get where she thinks she wants to be, and she's really confused.

she wants to do the right thing.

the question is, does she really want to be with you or does she just not want to have a divorce as part of her life story so early on.

that wouldn't even be a question if it weren't for the 'other man'.

and she has yet to be completely forthcoming about her affair, but again i don't think it's because she's duplicitous by nature.

again, it's just due to immaturity.

the only possible way i can see your relationship moving forward is under constant guidance for at least the first year.

and even then you have to avoid the potential of a father daughter relationship.

all signs point to you being the mature person and cutting her loose, at least until she grows up some.

guaranteed as well the 'other man' is very young and cannot fathom the serious nature of a mature committment and so he's going to continue to interlope.


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## FriedEgg (Oct 28, 2009)

I appreciate the insight everybody has provided. I decided that it would be best that she and I go our separate ways, and that I should file for divorce.


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## recent_cloud (Apr 18, 2009)

i'm sorry things had to come to this

with time you'll become more and more certain you made the right decision.

and as i said, because you two are so young, there's every chance you two might hook up down the road.

that is, if at that point, you're still interested

:bounce::bounce::bounce:


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

Trust is the foundation that all healthy relationships are built upon. Change is never easy, but often times it is the catalyst that fosters most of our personal growth. 

It wouldn't seem so, but I know it can be hard to leave a marital ship that's "taking on water", especially if you can still hear the band playing e.g. she's making concessions. In the end though, it's a decision that will likely save your life, not literally perhaps, but figuratively in terms of day to day happiness and overall satisfaction with living. LIL


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

FriedEgg said:


> I appreciate the insight everybody has provided. I decided that it would be best that she and I go our separate ways, and that I should file for divorce.



Thats great you are taking control back. If she doesn't fight for it by the end of the process she had no interest in being in the marriage any way.. This would be the outcome no matter what. Not saying you will divorce just showing her your not going to be treated like this any more..


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## FriedEgg (Oct 28, 2009)

So I called and left my wife a voice message on Thursday night, and she didn't return the call. The next morning I sent her a text message and asked her if we could talk. She sent back a reply that said, "Uh oh...am I in trouble for not returning your call last night?" I told her that I wasn't upset about that at all, but that I had been thinking about our conversation before (where I suggested she wasn't ready to be married) and wanted to share my thoughts with her. She said we would talk later. She sent me a text when I was at dinner that said, "I don't want to talk if it's going to be a bad conversation." I insisted it wouldn't be, and that was the last I heard of her for the evening. She sent me an unrelated text later in the evening, while I was asleep, that said how excited she was to go to a haunted house that evening. Yesterday we exchanged a couple texts, but as soon as I said, "Hey, want to talk on the phone for a few?" she stopped responding. I haven't heard back from her since.

I'm really perplexed by what this woman is doing. Part of me thinks she knows she messed up and violated her marriage vows a while back, and has already decided that she'll feel too guilty if she comes back to me. I also have a feeling she has also decided that she's going to be with this other man. But, it seems like she's feigning interest in saving our marriage, so people don't think she's thrown me to the side for this other guy. The only thing that doesn't fit is why she asked me, after her visit, to come out so we could spend a special weekend together. Once she started flip-flopping about her intentions to make our marriage work, I told her it wouldn't be a good idea for me to come out. I mean, if she was extending an olive branch to try to save things, why would she immediately start flip-flopping again?

As I mentioned before, I am definitely finished. I just need to talk with her to let her know I am going to file, and why I have decided to do so. But, for some reason she is avoiding this conversation. While part of me wonders if she doesn't want to hear it, the fact that she is refusing to be curteous and return phone calls seems to go against that.

Lastly, I'm debating whether it makes sense to tell her a big part of why I am doing this is my lack of trust in her and the story she has come up with about this other man. I feel like I am totally being played right now, and I really want to tell her that. I'm just not sure if that's a good idea.


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

FE-- I think it's best you let her know as little as possible now to make her wonder. I know you said you are done but I doubt that seriously. You just want better. I would have the conversation about wanting a divorce but don't contact a lawyer if you haven't already. Just let her know you are going to.. This should throw her into a tailspin. See how the fallout s after. If she is willing to talk and work on it take it from there. Just see how things ride but you are gaining control if you haven't felt it already. As I sad going through divorce doesn't mean you want to end it but just lets the other person know how serious it is.


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## FriedEgg (Oct 28, 2009)

She refused to take my calls, or return them, since I mentioned that we needed to talk. Maybe she knew this was coming. I need to start moving forward, rather than waiting for her to decide what she wants. If she doesn't want me or the marriage I can provide, then I'm not interested. I sent her a couple quick texts to let her know I've been trying to reach her to tell her I've decided to file for divorce. I said I regretted having to let her know this way, but since she wouldn't talk with me, it was my only choice since I need to move forward. 

I bet she will send an email or text trying to say she was willing to work on things (B.S.). Is it okay to ignore her for a while, or no?


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## recent_cloud (Apr 18, 2009)

no reason for you to be rude to her because she's being rude to you

and i think you're reading the situation right, as i said earlier, she's just too immature to properly handle the situation she finds herself in.

she's in over her head, it's up to you to be the more mature person and set things right.

as i said earlier, your wife, if not you, married too young.

you're doing what's best for both of you.

and as hard as it may be, i really don't see a need to be very specific with your reasons for wanting a divorce.

odds are she won't be interested in hearing anyway.

so, just tell her you marreid too young, gave it a shot, it ain't workin', i wish you well.

any criticism you have of her, given her immaturity, will probably just be seen as a personal attack, not as a critique or reasons to end the marriage.

i speak from personal experience.


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## FriedEgg (Oct 28, 2009)

She responded to my text, and said something like "I'm going to feel silly when my license and passport with your last name show up". I responded, asking if we could talk so I could explain my decision, and she agreed. I just told her to give me a call whenever she gets a minute.


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## recent_cloud (Apr 18, 2009)

FriedEgg said:


> She responded to my text, and said something like "I'm going to feel silly when my license and passport with your last name show up".


well now that remark pretty much makes the case for immaturity and should ease your mind some.

she's worried about the embarrassment of being divorced more than she is about the loss of the marriage.



FriedEgg said:


> I responded, asking if we could talk so I could explain my decision, and she agreed. I just told her to give me a call whenever she gets a minute.


something tells me she's gonna be very busy for a little while.

unless she has a question about marital property or the like.

good luck, and remember, a mistake is no longer a mistake but a college course completed if you learn from it.

:smcowboy::ezpi_wink1::ezpi_wink1::smcowboy:


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## FriedEgg (Oct 28, 2009)

recent_cloud said:


> well now that remark pretty much makes the case for immaturity and should ease your mind some.
> 
> she's worried about the embarrassment of being divorced more than she is about the loss of the marriage.
> 
> ...



Now she's begging me to fly all the way out there to spend the weekend together. She's asking me if I really want to end this remotely, so I imagine she wants me to come there so she can get some closure and have one last good weekend. I really don't want to. She hasn't given two craps about me for the last two months, and now she picks the time when I'm busiest to ask me to fly out.

I don't know whether I am being greedy here, but she seems like she only thinks about herself these days.


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

So don't.. She could also want to save it. Hoping you see her face to face and second guess your thinking. I would do it over the phone just to show her your determined to end the relationship the way it is now. If she wants it the balls in her court.


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