# What are cheaters looking for?



## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

I've read many threads about cheating for the past few years. It has been often stated that the cheater cheats because of "something missing inside of him/her" or in order to "fill a void" inside of themselves.

In your own opinion, what do you think is the "void" that the cheater is trying to 'fill'? 

Vega


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## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

They are looking for themselves.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

I can answer based on my wife's confirmations.

Part of it was to avoid having to do anything with her internal emotions towards me.

Part of it was having a sympathetic ear to listen to her issues.

Part of it was having similar tastes, and sharing day to day accounts.

Part of it was seeking emotional support that she felt he gave her.

Part of it was the excitement.

I summarized these points and she basically confirmed every one.
Started as a normal friendship, she fell in love. It was a daily thing for three years.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Vega said:


> I've read many threads about cheating for the past few years. It has been often stated that the cheater cheats because of "something missing inside of him/her" or in order to "fill a void" inside of themselves.
> 
> In your own opinion, what do you think is the "void" that the cheater is trying to 'fill'?
> 
> Vega


Sometimes it's for the "fun", the "challenge", the "ego", the "thrill", that they did something that made them feel extra special. We see it on TV so much, in powerful people we think it's something your supposed to do.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Vega said:


> I've read many threads about cheating for the past few years. *It has been often stated that the cheater cheats because of "something missing inside of him/her" or in order to "fill a void" inside of themselves.*
> 
> *In your own opinion, what do you think is the "void" that the cheater is trying to 'fill'? *
> 
> Vega


Must...not...make...sophomoric...joke...


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

Trying2figureitout said:


> I can answer based on my wife's confirmations.
> 
> *Part of it was to avoid having to do anything with her internal emotions towards me.*
> 
> ...


Except for the first item (she never claimed to have had any change in her feelings toward me--very effective compartmentation) this is precisely the way it happened with us. Eerily similar.

No wonder we're still trying to figure it out.


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## Cloaked (Sep 15, 2013)

I don't have a direct answer. 

She said it became an addiction because "you never gave me enough attention! He is a breath of fresh air." 

Her sister confronted her during the affair, she said OM told my wife that she needed to be treated special in a way that only he was able to.

Not sure if that helps. All I know is my wife had an affair because of her and she blamed me for her problems to protect herself from any wrong.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cloaked (Sep 15, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> Must...not...make...sophomoric...joke...


Giggity!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

Cloaked speaking as one who knows your wife's background I feel truly bad for you. She knows better.


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## idellzaiti (Mar 31, 2014)

They are looking for themselves.


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

In my stbx's case, he was looking for ego stroking, excitement and had a sense of entitlement.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I think everyone is tempted to do something bad from time to time. We all have urges and sometimes desires that we need to control. A cheater decides to let their urges control them. Most don't sound very rational when trying to explain their behavior. That is because they were being led around by their lower functions, not rational thought.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

I can only speak for myself but for me it wasn't all that complicated. I can't say something was missing. I had everything I always wanted. I view it from the standpoint that I was flawed. I liked flirting with and getting attention from women. If sober it wasn't an issue, if I was drinking things sometimes would escalate quickly. So for me I guess it really was all about ego.


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

It could be about feeling desired.

There are a few women who I wasn't attracted to until they started to flirt with me...That's a powerful aphrodisiac...Then I became bored with their flirts... If the stars all aligned during that flirting stage, sex would be hard to turn down...

It's easier to put blame on the BS..


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## hawx20 (Jan 10, 2013)

My wife just had the perfect storm during her MLC. She wanted to live the young and single lifestyle. She absolutely needed external validation. She needed to know she still "had it".

Well, she got it alright, but she is paying a very steep price. Sad thing is, every knew she never "lost it" and "had it" the whole time. Difference is, she had a loving and trusting husband back then.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

Attention, compliments, irresponsibility.


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

hawx20 said:


> My wife just had the perfect storm during her MLC. She wanted to live the young and single lifestyle. She absolutely needed external validation. She needed to know she still "had it".
> 
> Well, she got it alright, but she is paying a very steep price. Sad thing is, every knew she never "lost it" and "had it" the whole time. Difference is, she had a loving and trusting husband back then.


Holy hell, this kind of breaks my heart. Stupid, stupid woman.


My x paid a steep price too...he now says it wasn't worth it. Oh well....


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## loveforfamily (Mar 13, 2014)

Validation and quick self esteem.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

hawx20 said:


> Well, she got it alright, but she is paying a very steep price. Sad thing is, every knew she never "lost it" and "had it" the whole time. *Difference is, she had a loving and trusting husband back then.*


Pretty much sums up the whole ugly business, doesn't it?


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

In my ex-husband's case, it was, in no particular order:

novelty
excitement
escape 
external validation
entitlement

Pretty much the standard thrill-seeking behavior of any other deeply self-centered addict. His "drugs of choice" were cigarettes, alcohol, gambling, cheating and adrenaline-fueled sports/hobbies. 

But most interesting, and disturbing, to me is that he would also use his cheating as a sort of revenge. If he was unhappy with me about something I'd done or hadn't done (or that he _imagined_ I'd done or hadn't), rather than telling me, he would go out and have a one night stand. Then, because I didn't know he'd cheated on me, he would also get the thrill of having a secret. He enjoyed the high of knowing he'd pulled something over on his wife who was too blind/stupid to realize what he was up to. He liked making me look foolish, to himself, and others, as a way to punish me for things he was too conflict-avoidant and passive-aggressive to actually discuss with me.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Whatever they are looking for is secondary - it's how biology motivates the behavior through emotional manifestations. The biology is all about optimum reproductive success for an individual, even though it often does not seem that way. It has evolved over millions of years, so a mere 10 thousand or so years of culture barely makes a dent in the prevalence.


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## SteveK (Mar 15, 2014)

Trying2figureitout said:


> I can answer based on my wife's confirmations.
> 
> Part of it was to avoid having to do anything with her internal emotions towards me.
> 
> ...


My wife said all of that, plus he is giving her this nice life he lives as a tour guide, she can travel with him, meet new people, live her and in Israel.

He is also a broken sweet man and she can fix him.

Our Divorce Coach says it's all BS, it's that she has reverted to a little girl of 18 and wants to be swept off her feet like in a Hollywood movie. She feels like she missed this getting married to her college sweetheart so young.

HE ALSO SAYS IT WONT LAST. SHE MAY NOT COME BACK TO ME BUT HE GIVES THE RELATIONSHIP LESS THAN A YEAR.


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## WhiteRaven (Feb 24, 2014)

What are cheaters looking for? - A D. Give them what they want.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Vega said:


> I've read many threads about cheating for the past few years. It has been often stated that the cheater cheats because of "something missing inside of him/her" or in order to "fill a void" inside of themselves.
> 
> In your own opinion, what do you think is the "void" that the cheater is trying to 'fill'?
> 
> Vega


I know where the void was that my ex was trying to fill but everybody insists it doesn't matter.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

My XWW was looking for fat bank.


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## AwfullyGuilty (Oct 29, 2012)

I did not read through all responses, but I can give you my answer. I felt lonely, unloved, taken for granted. So when he smiled at me and looked at me as if I was the only one in room, I was lost. I wanted to love and be loved. 
Before I cheated, I always hoped for "prince charming" to come to save me from my own misery in my marriage. Back then i did not know I don't need to fall in love with someone else in order to find a strength to leave. I was looking for that strength. And then some people told me that I kept looking because my father was not there for me. Who knows. What I have done is inexcusable.


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## Sandfly (Dec 8, 2013)

Easy, hassle-free and on-demand.

To make cheating unlikely therefore, you need to make it:

difficult, full of consequences, and unreliable.


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## Ripper (Apr 1, 2014)

Their soul? It seems some were born without it.

I'm pretty twisted, but the thought of betraying another sentient being on such a level puts a pit in my stomach.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

I'm not sure all cheaters are the same, in my case my x was looking for a way to punish the guy who stepped up for her, me, to get even with the man who hurt her, her bio dad.

Made no sense then, make no sense now but this is what happend none the less


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Getting away with it.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Largely, the cheater is primarily looking for some kind of justifiable compensation to circumvent some missing factor that they feel that they are/were missing out on within the confines of their married relationship, albeit it sex, lust, money, power, attention, fame, revenge, et. al.

And the additional accoutrement perched highly on top of that multi-layered sundae of deceit is the innate sense of satisfaction that they internally and subconsiously derive in causing their betrayed spouse just as much overt or covert pain that they can possibly muster up!

That, I'm afraid, speaks to power!*


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## Twistedheart (May 17, 2010)

Lack of self-control, morals, ethics and just plain selfish. Lack of respect towards herself and me that ultimately led to no respect towards me. 

What I hope to get out of all this is that I will be able to sniff out these bad traits and personality flaws from a mile away.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

AwfullyGuilty said:


> I did not read through all responses, but I can give you my answer. I felt lonely, unloved, taken for granted. So when he smiled at me and looked at me as if I was the only one in room, I was lost. I wanted to love and be loved.
> Before I cheated, I always hoped for "prince charming" to come to save me from my own misery in my marriage. Back then i did not know I don't need to fall in love with someone else in order to find a strength to leave. I was looking for that strength. And then some people told me that I kept looking because my father was not there for me. Who knows. What I have done is inexcusable.



There were always strong women (single) in my life who ran completely functional households with no man around. 

EVERY woman I know, with the exception of my sister, are terrified to live without a man and have never been alone. 

Many women are unhappily married but looking for someone else before they jump ship.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Validation, to be with someone who hadn't cheated on me and who hadn't broken my heart, someone who shared my interests instead of dismissing them. To know that someone found me attractive and wanted my body and my soul.


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