# Family vacation while separated- what to do?



## maxter (May 24, 2011)

Looking for some advice on family vacations. Here's my story (it's a novel, sorry):
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/consid...about-loose-my-mind-trapped-cant-get-out.html

What do you do about family vacations during a separation or even after divorce?

I'm not physically separated from my W (yet), but we already put money down and made plans for a week in Myrtle Beach with our two girls in July. Now just a week ago I find out my W is still involved in her EA (one-time? PA) after a year of seeming calmness. Everything in my world is falling apart and I don't really feel like spending a week in a condo with the W after all this. Maybe in two months I will feel differently, but right now I can't stand the thought of 'relaxing' with her.

But then there are my two girls who are really looking forward to this trip. I feel guilty for not wanting to go and taking this adventure away from them. I think my W would still go without me but ohh the damage to the kids not having both mommy and daddy together during this yearly vacation.

Any suggestions?


----------



## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

TD, I had a long winded post to put here but it was something you probably did not want to read. So all I am going to offer is my sincere wishes that you get to resolve this to your satisfaction. You don't dererve this. BTW, and PA is enough to dissolve a marriage. You would need to prove it though. I know that is not what you want; you can work through it and forgive her but you will never forget. My issue with your situation though is that she has been at this a long time. It doesn't seem like a one time affair. Serious red flag there! Maybe it's time to move on. I wonder if you kept any of the text/phone records of their infidelity. It'll help you if there is a custody battle. You may not need that if you go for 50/50 but you should have that as your ace in the hole if she gets ugly about custody. Terrible that I am even mentioning this but protect yourself.

As for the vacation, maybe you can ask family members to take you and your W's place. I know, it is not the family vacation you expected but can you really pull it off for a week if you go with her? Think about it. You will probably make yourself sick if you have to be together every minute for week.

Or, maybe by then, you can try to pretend and act for a week that all is well. I think your little ones will pick that up.

Too bad we all even have to be on this forum - that's how I really feel. Sorry man.


----------



## Smokey (May 20, 2011)

I am in a similiar situation. We have been planning a trip to Yellowstone for months. We bought the trailer back in March, new tow vehicle, all ready to go. She left today, says she'll be back, and doesn't want to be away from her kids. We were supposed to leave Memorial Day (this Monday) for the two week trip. I am still going to take the 3 kids. It definitely won't be the trip I was planning, but we will have fun. My kids are awesome, and they are the best medicine for what I'm going through.


----------



## maxter (May 24, 2011)

brighterlight,
I have to chuckle alittle bit when you mention text msgs and records and such. I have an effing file folder full of this crap that's about 3/4" thick. I have phone records, emails, letters, etc.

About the PA, that confirmation came out in the most recent email from a week ago. She talked about lying in bed after and discussing things with the OM. It's in black & white, written out by her hand and sent to his email address. I always suspected as much because I tracked her to a hotel about 1 1/2yrs ago where she stayed for over 3hrs. That was probably the moment. She always maintained they just met at the restaurant for lunch, talked and lost track of time. What a crock!

Anyway, not sure what I'll do when it comes time to go on the vacation. Right now I'm feeling too much emotional pain to go.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Why don't you go with the kids? If you're headed for divorce or separation, there's no time like the present for reality to make it's presence known to her. That by her continued affair, she will be missing out on family functions.

Sadly, this also means the kids won't have their mom there. This sucks. But is it better to have one mostly happy parent ther, or two parents that can't stand to be in the same room as one another? And again, this is the future reality.

Who knows, maybe this would be a wakeup call for you too, giving you an added incentive to work through things. I'm not saying you need that or should even consider it, but there you go.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Twindad, great that u kept records. Not to throw it in her face but to protect yourself from no custody battle - JUST IN CASE. I can tell you that I know your pain! I bet you that probably wanted to throw up when u read about laying in bed and "discussing" things. Sick man, i've been there! 11 years ago she had an EAt that ended up in a PA. a coworker. She was going to lunches with him and I asked her to stop; she didn't. They talked about personal matters in our marriage. I will have to probably PM u to tell u the story but believe me, I know your pain. In the end though we worked things out. I forgave her - it was a long time ago.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## maxter (May 24, 2011)

brighterlight said:


> Twindad, great that u kept records. Not to throw it in her face but to protect yourself from no custody battle - JUST IN CASE. I can tell you that I know your pain! I bet you that probably wanted to throw up when u read about laying in bed and "discussing" things. Sick man, i've been there! 11 years ago she had an EAt that ended up in a PA. a coworker. She was going to lunches with him and I asked her to stop; she didn't. They talked about personal matters in our marriage. I will have to probably PM u to tell u the story but believe me, I know your pain. In the end though we worked things out. I forgave her - it was a long time ago.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She has no clue I have this file on her. Never mentioned it or threw it up in her face although I've wanted to many times. Given her previous poor behaviors early in our marriage, I felt I needed to keep proof of all her goings ons. Yes, the day I read this particular email was excruciating and very painful. Especially so because of the way she worded it from her perspective in that they had just 'made love' and she truly loves him and so on. They even talked about his other affairs and wife as just being plain old sex. But between him and her it's more special, it's 'love'. OK now I want to puke.

Now the strange thing is I pretty much felt in my gut they did have a PA sometime during all this the last three years given the circumstancial evidence. But even so I was actually learning to forgive her over the last year because she gave the appearance of working on the marriage and things were calm, she had direction with going back to school and getting a full time job recently. Last night we actually talked for 30 mins about separation and the finances required to do it. It was a dry, matter of fact talk- no emotions coming out. Just having a sensible talk with her makes me feel better today. I still love her deeply and today at least I would even consider trying to save the relationship. But she's so far off track in her mind I don't think she could put forth the massive effort needed to overcome at this point even if she wanted to. She doesn't realize it but past efforts, while good at the time, won't even be half of what she would need to do for recovery now.


----------



## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

TD, dude, I am so sorry. See what I meant about puking feeling? Man, I tell you that the PA was a bullit through the heart but the EA I love you's, the emotional attachment to the OM and the talking about our private matters - well, that was no bullit, that was her sticking her fist in chest ripping out my heart taking it in the yard, running it over with the lawn mower then rinsing the pieces off the driveway with the hose into the gutter. I hope that is descriptive enough. Yeah, overly dramatic but hey it's how I felt. So sorry you have to look at the evidence but awesome that you have it.

How in the world is it that we still love these woman so?????


----------

