# What can I safely tell a counselor?



## Jadiel

I'm going to see a counselor on Monday to help me deal with my personal problems. I know technically they can't reveal anything you tell them, but does anyone know what exactly I cannot tell them? 

I know, I know, "be honest with your counselor!" Well obviously if I tell my counselor something like I routinely kidnap people and keep them in my basement, I'm pretty sure they can tell on me. That's an extreme example of course. 

Mostly I'm afraid for my kids. I'm afraid if I tell this counselor I have anger issues sometimes, or that maybe I'm not a 100% perfect dad, they'll just assume I'm awful and have social services come get them.


----------



## ChangingMe

I am a licensed counselor, and while it can depend on what state you're in, basically everything you say to your counselor is confidential. The only limits on that are if you discuss abuse to a child or elderly person, or if you are a threat to yourself or somebody else. If you say you have a plan to kill yourself or to kill someone else, then typically they have an obligation to break confidentiality for that. The hurting someone else thing varies from state to state -it's called "duty to warn." Some states, a therapist can get in trouble for breaking confidentiality on that; in others, you can get in trouble if you don't notify authorities. If you are really concerned, you can google the licensing board in your state, and they should have some information about confidentiality. 

Overall though, what you say in the counseling room will stay there. Your therapist is ethically obligated to keep your information private. When you get to your session, make sure he or she fully explains the limits of confidentiality. You need to feel comfortable opening up in session, and you won't be if you don't think your words will be private. 

As far as stressing about your kids: Therapist are obligated to report to social services if they hear of an instance of abuse. Anger issues don't necessarily equal abuse; neither does not being a perfect dad. If you talk about being abusive with your kids, then they more than likely will make a report. A report does not equal losing your kids though. Of all the reports I have had to make through the years (which is probably around 50), I believe CPS has opened an investigation on maybe 2-3. Even with those, I don't think any of the kids were removed from the house. And, honestly, if you say something to your therapist about your interactions with your kids that are reportable, then you really do need some help with this. 

Good luck on Monday. As a therapist and now a client in my own IC, I can attest to the benefits of counseling to work through your issues. I wish you the best.


----------



## Jadiel

Well I live in Maine, and CPS here are a bunch of nazis. 

This is their basic mindset: They see two cases. One is a guy, like me, who's probably made some mild mistakes and isn't a perfect dad.

The other one is a guy who regularly beats his wife and kids, has no job, ignores his family, and has a major drug problem.

They have to do SOMETHING or people are going to figure out they don't actually do anything useful for a living. But going after the latter man is way to much work. Real investigations, court, paperwork, lots of work.

It's much easier to pick the guy who's a small time offender of some trivial things, and just harass the crap out of him. That way they appear productive without having to do any real work.


----------



## Mavash.

I've been in IC for a long time and yes I had anger issues. My biggest downfall was yelling and I have spanked them a few times in anger. The only way to get help is to admit you have a problem.

I've been truthful and honest because I know I've done nothing that would cause CPS to think twice about me as a mother. If she did call I'd welcome the visit from CPS. They'd find nothing. 

I know other parents who have done way worse than me and they aren't even seeking help for it. I did.

For the record CPS here is a joke. My husband is a cop and he says he can't even get them to answer the phone most of the time. Even when the situation is dire he can't get them to take kids. Sad really.


----------



## EnjoliWoman

Jadiel said:


> Well I live in Maine, and CPS here are a bunch of nazis.
> 
> This is their basic mindset: They see two cases. One is a guy, like me, who's probably made some mild mistakes and isn't a perfect dad.
> 
> The other one is a guy who regularly beats his wife and kids, has no job, ignores his family, and has a major drug problem.
> 
> They have to do SOMETHING or people are going to figure out they don't actually do anything useful for a living. But going after the latter man is way to much work. Real investigations, court, paperwork, lots of work.
> 
> It's much easier to pick the guy who's a small time offender of some trivial things, and just harass the crap out of him. That way they appear productive without having to do any real work.


The fact you attend IC is a huge benefit though - you can say you are going tp IC to become a better person and father.

I didn't do this on purpose but one thing that was noticed in my custody issues during the psychological evaluaton was "mother seems motivated to continue to seek therapy and improve her parenting skills where father does not seem equally motivated". 

then again I WAS/AM a good parent who was trying to prove I wasn't nuts like the ex was claiming and have been investigated numerous times. 

1) I washed her mouth out w/ soap for lying to me when she was seven. ONCE. He reported it, judge said it was a little old fashioned but not abuse. 

2) he called because I wasn't providing proper nutrition (her lunch account at school had gone negative a few times but I always packed a lunch - she used it for deserts - my pantry was full and she was healthy - no problem.

3) she sounded "sad" and "scared" on the phone one night and she couldn't tell him why so he called the police to check on her. No problem - she was confused by the police coming.

4) he said I was abusing her - she had a bruise on her cheek she got playing in a bounce house. Report was unfounded.

I think there was one more time???? I don't remember - they run together. CPS just sighs when they have to come out now and are apologetic, saying "We have to investigate by law. We know he is trying to make a case for custody. We're sorry. This is a waste of taxpayers' dollars". They literally said that.

He stopped since he was diagnosed NPD.


----------

