# Wife Moved Out Yesterday.



## sadsoul (Aug 10, 2010)

I have been with my wife 10 years(6 married). We have a one year old daughter. Yesterday she decided to move in with her mother. Don't know if we can reconcile our marriage because right now I am the only one that wants to. I love her so much and hope she will come back. 

After 5 years of marriage my wife and I decided to have a child. To that point our marriage was pretty good. I kind of felt like that spark we use to have was not as bright but overall I think that we were happy. Happy enough to have a child together. I was a little less enthused about having a child than my wife. I am now happy we have a child. She is a blessing and I love her sooooo much. The pregnancy was tough for me. I guess I would say that I probably wasn't as supportive as I should of been. I guess my wife resented the fact that I was not as happy about the whole process. I am a worry wart and was more concerned about how having a child was going to affect our lives. When our child was born it was very overwhelming for me. I totally went into the "what did we get ourselves into" stage. I was insensitive to my wife by acting this way. My wife had a lot she was going through and I totally blew it. She had trouble breast feeding and it made her cry. Her emotions were all over the place. She cried all the time. I was totally lost. I think that she may of been going through postpartum depression but was not getting any help for herself. She needed me more than ever and all I did was complain about how tough it was being a parent. I whined about a lot of things. I may of been in depression as well but don't know. I was so selfish the first 3 or 4 months after my daughter was born. I was only concerned about myself. Friends would ask me what it was like being a parent and I would complain. I told them I had no joy in my life anymore. I had nothing to look forward to. My wife's job required her to travel away from home. She would be home only 3 days a week. I would be required to be a single parent and it was tough. My baby wouldn't sleep through the night at first and I had to take care of her with no support. Instead of dealing with it like a man I would whine more to my wife. I would call and tell her that I was miserable being a single parent. I knew that she didn't want to be away and I just made it harder for her. My wife had to travel 3 separate months in our child's first year and I complained each and every time she left. 

Eventually I became content. I got over myself and started working on being a good father. I started trying to work on our relationship. I prayed that my wife would become closer to me. We were less intimate. She started to go to bed a lot earlier than she use to. She lost a lot of weight and didn't have a apatite. She would want to hang out with her friends a lot more. Over the course of this past year, she would set down with me and tell me she was unhappy. We would talk and it always seemed that we would work through what was making her unhappy. She would be ok for a while and then become unhappy again. She started complaining about everything I like to do. If she went to bed early and I played on the computer, she said I cared more about the internet than being with her. If I wanted to get online and play a few games of of modern warfare 2 with work friends, she would say I cared about games more than her. Looking back I probably shouldn't of been doing those things when she needed me but that was me being selfish again.

About a month ago she said she was going to move out. I begged and pleaded with her to stay. I convinced her to stay and to go to therapy with me. The first time we went to therapy the therapist asked each of us our reason for being there. My response was to work on our marriage. Her response was to ease my transition toward divorce. I cried a lot and the therapist seemed to help me work through my grief. My wife actually seemed to like therapy as well. I felt like we were closer after our therapy visits. She would talk to me more. We went to three therapy appointments and I actually felt like things were getting better. 

Yesterday I came home from work. We set down and ate dinner together. Took care of feeding our daughter. I started to fold my laundry and she said she was moving out. I asked if there was a reason and she said that it wasn't going to work out between us. We were different people and she is basically indifferent to me now. She doesn't care if I am home or gone. She packed up her stuff with no emotion. I was crying and was just letting her know that I love her and I didn't want to her to go. I asked her to try to let the therapy work. She said that I was a good person and deserved someone better than her. Somebody that would make me happy. I was in such a state that it wasn't a good idea for me to care for my daughter at the time so we agreed that she should take care of her for a few days while I grieved. 

I have been really analyzing our marriage a lot over the past month. I should of known better than to act the way that I was acting. I truly love my wife and pray that she comes home. I only feel like it may be too late now. I have asked for forgiveness in therapy and have admitted to my wife that I am the reason for this whole mess. I will continue to go to therapy even if my wife doesn't want to go. I need to work on being a better person regardless of what happens.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Wow. You have messed up big time. It's not hopeless, but you have a LOT to make up for. If I were her, it would take a LONG time of seeing you turn 180 degrees around before I would ever trust you again. 

Are you up for that? A long road? NOT going out on dates with other women just because you have 'needs' but rather living a single, solitary life focused on proving to her that you can become what she needs (assuming she's willing to listen)?


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## sadsoul (Aug 10, 2010)

Im glad somebody actually replied. I have been analyzing this whole thing for a couple of days. I have been trying to come to grips with a reason I would behave so poorly. I started to analyze our relationship and still blame myself but maybe understand why I behaved so poorly.

Early in our relationship, we gave everything to each other. My number one priority was to make her happy. I have a college degree in business and her degree is in math. She wanted to move away from our home town to find a better job. I agreed because she was more driven than me and I was in love. She had a job before we moved and it took me a few weeks but I found a job that I loved as well. We were away from home less than 2 years and my wife decided we made a mistake. She decided to move back to our home town and make a career change. My wife had a good job and I was content with my job so I decided to try to change her mind. There was no chance that I could change her mind. She was so unhappy that she was mad that I would even question her decision. Being in love made me give up my job to support her. I knew my job prospects in a smaller town would be tough. Her career change would require some time in school and I would have to earn money to raise a family. I didn't have very good luck finding a good job. I found a job that I grew to hate and hardly paid our bills. She wasn't excepted into the school she wanted to get into and it would take a whole year to reapply. I supported her the entire time. We got married and with luck I found a better job but not one that had anything to do with my degree. I resented the fact that I had to work where I work but knew that one day my wife could support me while I made a career change. During my wife's time in school she had a lot of time off. I have been working a job since I was 15 years old(even during college) and never had the leisure time that she enjoyed. She decided that she wanted to have a baby. I was in a dead in job that was beneath me but paid the bills. The job I was in didn't require a degree. It was a blue collar manual labor job that any joe schmoe off the street could apply for. I sacrificed everything to make my wife happy but wasn't ready to have a child. I wanted to be ok with my life before I brought a baby into the world. My wife said her biological clock was ticking and she felt like it was now or never for us to have a baby. My wife was not even 30 years old at the time and having this discussion with me. I eventually give in and give her what she wants to make her happy. I wasn't happy with my life but felt like things would eventually be brighter for me. During the pregnancy and after my baby was born everything went downhill. I changed from being a giver to not liking my decision to have a baby. I was unhappy about being a single parent when my wife's work required her to leave. I started to get selfish and wanted change in my life. She made it through school and it was my time now. It was premature of me to act this way but she now had what she wanted and I never had a chance to do what I wanted. I sacrificed my needs and changed to a taker. Now my wife had a career that would eventually support us both but it was still going to take some time before I could make a career change. Her schooling was 4 years. Her time between schooling and me changing my career would require another 4 years. We had our baby the last year of her schooling. She was a doctor now and I had a college degree but was working a manual labor job to pay the bills. Most people would gut it out a little longer and try to make sure that there wife was happy until they could seek change but I went crazy I guess. I started to act selfish. I started to whine about being a parent. She started to resent me. I really don't know many blue collar workers that have a doctor wife. Not only did I act poorly but she was quickly out growing me. She made new friends and most of them were doctors. I hardly fit in with her friends. Now im in such a hole that I don't know if I can dig my way out. If she leaves me and I decide to pursue a career change, it would be at the expense of my daughter. I couldn't go back to school to do what I want to do without quitting my job and going to school full time. I would likely have to move to a larger town to also do what I want to do. I would have partial custody at best and that would make me sad. I love my daughter and almost feel like im stuck in a dead in job if my wife leaves me. I want joint custody and that means more sacrifice for me. I may be stuck in a dead in job for a long time while my wife celebrates her new life as a wealthy woman. I can't believe I created this mess.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Very difficult situation. One thing I have learned from a lot of experience with my W is this. If she asks me to do something, no matter how big or small I either do it, or I explain why I do not want to do it. But if I do it, or even if she persuades me to do something that I didn't really want to do - ONCE I DECIDE I am going to do it I don't complain about it. I just suck it up. Women are programmed to react very badly to men whining. You may reconcile or not. Either way learn this lesson well - whining will kill a relationship. It may be unfair but it is true.






sadsoul said:


> Im glad somebody actually replied. I have been analyzing this whole thing for a couple of days. I have been trying to come to grips with a reason I would behave so poorly. I started to analyze our relationship and still blame myself but maybe understand why I behaved so poorly.
> 
> Early in our relationship, we gave everything to each other. My number one priority was to make her happy. I have a college degree in business and her degree is in math. She wanted to move away from our home town to find a better job. I agreed because she was more driven than me and I was in love. She had a job before we moved and it took me a few weeks but I found a job that I loved as well. We were away from home less than 2 years and my wife decided we made a mistake. She decided to move back to our home town and make a career change. My wife had a good job and I was content with my job so I decided to try to change her mind. There was no chance that I could change her mind. She was so unhappy that she was mad that I would even question her decision. Being in love made me give up my job to support her. I knew my job prospects in a smaller town would be tough. Her career change would require some time in school and I would have to earn money to raise a family. I didn't have very good luck finding a good job. I found a job that I grew to hate and hardly paid our bills. She wasn't excepted into the school she wanted to get into and it would take a whole year to reapply. I supported her the entire time. We got married and with luck I found a better job but not one that had anything to do with my degree. I resented the fact that I had to work where I work but knew that one day my wife could support me while I made a career change. During my wife's time in school she had a lot of time off. I have been working a job since I was 15 years old(even during college) and never had the leisure time that she enjoyed. She decided that she wanted to have a baby. I was in a dead in job that was beneath me but paid the bills. The job I was in didn't require a degree. It was a blue collar manual labor job that any joe schmoe off the street could apply for. I sacrificed everything to make my wife happy but wasn't ready to have a child. I wanted to be ok with my life before I brought a baby into the world. My wife said her biological clock was ticking and she felt like it was now or never for us to have a baby. My wife was not even 30 years old at the time and having this discussion with me. I eventually give in and give her what she wants to make her happy. I wasn't happy with my life but felt like things would eventually be brighter for me. During the pregnancy and after my baby was born everything went downhill. I changed from being a giver to not liking my decision to have a baby. I was unhappy about being a single parent when my wife's work required her to leave. I started to get selfish and wanted change in my life. She made it through school and it was my time now. It was premature of me to act this way but she now had what she wanted and I never had a chance to do what I wanted. I sacrificed my needs and changed to a taker. Now my wife had a career that would eventually support us both but it was still going to take some time before I could make a career change. Her schooling was 4 years. Her time between schooling and me changing my career would require another 4 years. We had our baby the last year of her schooling. She was a doctor now and I had a college degree but was working a manual labor job to pay the bills. Most people would gut it out a little longer and try to make sure that there wife was happy until they could seek change but I went crazy I guess. I started to act selfish. I started to whine about being a parent. She started to resent me. I really don't know many blue collar workers that have a doctor wife. Not only did I act poorly but she was quickly out growing me. She made new friends and most of them were doctors. I hardly fit in with her friends. Now im in such a hole that I don't know if I can dig my way out. If she leaves me and I decide to pursue a career change, it would be at the expense of my daughter. I couldn't go back to school to do what I want to do without quitting my job and going to school full time. I would likely have to move to a larger town to also do what I want to do. I would have partial custody at best and that would make me sad. I love my daughter and almost feel like im stuck in a dead in job if my wife leaves me. I want joint custody and that means more sacrifice for me. I may be stuck in a dead in job for a long time while my wife celebrates her new life as a wealthy woman. I can't believe I created this mess.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Believe me, I TOTALLY get the situation you found yourself in. And I completely understand how you ended up doing what you did. No complaints from me there. Very understandable. 

But what to do now? I think she still loves you - barring the possibility that she is having an affair - but she is just as disillusioned as you are. The best thing to do I can see is to see how you can now fit into HER new world. You can't ask her to come back to what you had. Accept what she has now, where she's headed, and reinvent yourself to fit in there. You're a graduate, go out and chart a new course, to be in the same stratosphere as her and her friends. Start being a part of that world. Get to know who she is now. What she wants. And figure out how to be the one to provide it for her.

Go to marriagebuilders.com and print out their Love Buster and Emotional Needs questionnaires. Ask her to fill them out. Tell her you're trying to see what you could have done differently, so you can learn and grow. Don't tell her it's so you can get her back. Once she fills them out, sit down and chart a course.


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## sadsoul (Aug 10, 2010)

Thanks for the advice guys. I actually have some marriage books. I have the Love Busters book. I have a book about apologizing. I have the book His Needs, Her Needs. I also got The Five Love Languages. My father-in-law actually gave me these books back in 2006 when he was in the same situation as I am in now. He and my mother-in-law are now divorced. He said they were good books and would improve our marriage. They went on my book shelf and just set there collecting dust. Feel kind of sad I didn't read them earlier. He even wrote a nice short message in one of the books that I never noticed until now. Made me cry when I read what he wrote. My therapist gave me this book called Who Moved My Cheese. A small book about how people react to change. Im trying to work on my self and understand what I need to do to improve myself.

My wife and I are still communicating through text. Only about our daughter. General stuff like who is going to keep her what days and how are baby is doing while away. I have been very tempted to communicate that I want her to come home but I don't want her to shut me out completely if she gets annoyed. A few times I have slipped in I love you and miss you in the text. I was looking for some new music on itunes and made her a cd that I thought she would like. I slipped it into my daughters diaper bag where she would find it. She has only been gone since Monday and I have not seen her the entire time. Daycare makes it easy for her to not run into me during the week. She drops her off and I pick her up or vice versa. She actually said she was going to stop by with our daughter tomorrow in my latest text. She is probably just dropping our daughter off and getting some stuff out of the house. I am secretly hoping that she will at least say how she feels or talk to me about something other than just info about our daughter. Hoping she may say that she is fed up living with her mother and wants to move back in after one week is just silly. I don't know if I should push anything this soon. May not be smart to ask about our separation at this point. She did agree to go to therapy with me next time. This stuff is just so confusing. Just feels like there is no good answer for any of this.


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## Brewster 59 (Jun 19, 2010)

First of all it is normal for men to be worried or less excited about the change having a child brings with it. Second of all not to many men have to deal with being a single parent with a very young child.
What I am pointing out is that while you may have your faults you are not entirely to blame for this situation so dont be so hard on yourself.

Hopefully you and your wife will reconcile, but stop taking all the blame for the marital problems that makes it a lot easier for your wife to assess all the blame on you as well.


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

Agreed with what is already said, to reconcile with a woman when she is already emotionally unconnected is very very difficult, but I am the optimist so I will not say it is impossible but it would be close.

For the good man to reconcile with his woman, there must be the emotional connection. 

Right now you and your woman are not emotionally connected.

First things first, and first things are the facts:

1. A woman is not emotionally connected to a man when she is not attracted to him.

2. A woman is not attracted to a man if she is not respecting him.

3. A woman is only emotionally connected to one man at a time. 

For the things you have described, the emotional abandoning your woman during pregnancy, and essentially ignoring your responsibilities to step up as the good man during this time, this has withered the respect, attraction, and emotional connection from your woman.

Now the job situation being not in your favor, and your woman possible in the friendship of doctors and other well-to-do-men is even more danger to the possibility of reconciling with your woman.

But the worse danger I am seeing is in your typing, already you sound defeated even in asking for advice, so I can only imagine how your attitude and behavior also must reflect this to your woman. As long as she is seeing this, she is not going to respect you, be attracted to you, or emotionally connected to you.




sadsoul said:


> My number one priority was to make her happy.


And this is the mistake of many good men, even many of the good men that are coming to this very forum.

For a good man to live and behave in a marriage with this attitude is the sure fire way to end up in a sexless, miserable marriage that will make the man long for the day of his death!!! Take this to the bank.

Instead, and this is going for the good man wanting to reconcile with his woman as much as for the good man already in the stable, happy marriage, is for this one thing, and that is to have the courage and boldness and self leadership to decide for himself what he wants from life to be happy and successful, and to be the man to pursue these things, and then to invite his woman into his happiness.

For the good man and his woman, when he is the man to put this priority into practice, marriage is happiness and bliss!

So for the things that need doing, in attitude accept the responsibility for what you have neglected sure, but in your attitude do not be the defeated man!

Instead in attitude, take to action your desire to repair the relationship, to improve yourself and show in step by step how you are planning to be the father you need to be, and the husband you need to be, and to put these steps into place and, yes over time, eventually you invite your woman into this happiness.

This is what would be reconciling, but more importantly, these things must be done in proper order.

For to put the cart before the horse, so to say, is to your woman going to be merely inviting her back to the place she and you were before, which will not be appealing for her.

So again, pay attention to lay the important pieces of the foundation first: the respect, the attraction, then the emotional connection. 

These things are for the good man to take responsibility of, and to be a leader of himself to develop by his own behaviors and attitude.

It is a tough road, but these are the keys to help you to do what you are needing to do, and just as important, to not do what you should not do.

I wish you well.


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## sadsoul (Aug 10, 2010)

I agree with you BigBadWolf. I am coming around to your philosophy. I spoke with her briefly and it did not go well. No progress. Doesn't do any good begging at this point. I'll work on me and hopefully she comes around. She is moving into a apartment. 6 month leases suck. Looks like divorce will be coming soon. I was referred to as a black cloud tonight. I was hoping for something positive and got nothing. Sucks when you want to work on the marriage and the spouse is not concerned. Feel like we went two steps back today. :scratchhead:


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## sadsoul (Aug 10, 2010)

Nothing good has happened so far. My therapist is on vacation this week and I feel like my wife is moving farther away from me each day. Her grandmother died and she invited me to everything involved but has not totally agreed to go with me to any of the services. She did apologize for calling me a "Black Cloud." If I go to the visitation on my own, I will be there with only her family. Im going to go for support but feel a little weird about the situation im in. Im visiting with my father-in-law, who I respect and love as a person, but don't know what my wife told him about us. He is going through a hard time and is probably not too consumed with issues my wife and I are having but its still weird. Her whole family will be there. She has spoken to them about us and I do not think that most of what she said was positive about me. Hope I don't bring a "Black Cloud" over the whole thing by showing up. 

My wife and I still have a joint bank account. She already stated in a previous visit that she is going to move into a apartment next week some time. She is off some next week. I have the whole week off. She took $500 out of our joint account and transferred it to another account. Its obvious that she is taking what she needs for her apt. I totally respect this woman and hope she doesn't move all the money into her account. I still have to have a place to stay to partially raise our child. I hate the situation im in. I don't want her to move into another apt. I don't want her to split our account. If she does either of those things, it seems like im definitely going to be getting the divorce papers soon. If I act aggressive and call her about the money transfer, its just going to push her farther away. If I don't do anything and she takes all the money, or half without talking to me, I will still be very unhappy. Sucks to be me right now. I guess I will have to contact her. We will have to come to a agreement on how this is going to go down. If she feels entitled to half the money we currently have, even though she is a doctor and only contributed one years income as a intern to our account, I would probably have to give in. Its hard to be supportive and concerned about my well being at the same time.


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## sadsoul (Aug 10, 2010)

I know a lot of people will criticize what I posted. They will post how naive I am about not being concerned about my money. Im currently not in the state of mind to just let my wife go. If I was, I would of already opened another account and would be prepared to move the money I feel I should have into a new account.

My wife has still agreed to go to therapy with me next week. The therapy visit is before her move in. Thought it may be best to bring up the issue with a licensed therapist there to provide help. 

I sound like such a loser right now. I really have a lot to lose here. I may lose the woman I love and the mother of my child. I may lose most of the money in my savings. I really hate my life right now. Wish there was any hope to grasp on to.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

All I can say is that you don't HAVE to do anything. You don't HAVE to help her leave you. STOP her pulling the money out. Let HER fund her new life. You're being naive. Being nice will NOT get her back.


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## sadsoul (Aug 10, 2010)

My wife and I are on the edge right now. We are about to go to therapy(maybe for the last time) on Monday, Wednesday, or Thursday. I have been a pessimist the entire time. My search for hope may come to a end. I expect my wife to leave me. I expect her to move into a apartment and separate our accounts. I expect her to tell me she is filing for divorce. When I think like this it makes me sad. I know that a large percentage of couples file for divorce(probably more than 50%). I think about why some couples end in divorce and some stay together. The couples that end in divorce give up on the marriage. They look back to the bad times and don't see a bright future. My wife looks at me and is doing the same things divorced couples do. She looks down on me as a pessimist. She doesn't see a bright future. The same things she dislikes about me she is now doing. 

I think the couples that stay together for 30, 40, 50 years or more think like me. They recognize that things are going bad but don't look back on the bad things. They remember their marriage on the beach when they were in love. They remember their courtship and how much fun it was when they were pursuing each other. They remember the core of the marriage. All the way back to the vows they stated before God. They knew going into to the marriage that there was going to be bad times but trusted that their spouse would live up to the vows and make things work. They say things are bad now but we will work through it. We can make it work. 

My parents are a perfect example. My father left my mother twice in their marriage. He left for what he thought was good reasons at the time. He left for 6 months one time and 1 year another time. There is debate to whether he was faithful while he was gone(I lived with my mother and I know she was faithful). He treated my mother with total disrespect. He was the bread winner of the family. He made most of the money. He closed his accounts and took all the money when he left. No disregard for her well being. My mother didn't dwell on the negative aspects of the marriage. She always felt that they would work through their issues and be happy. My mom and dad are still married. They have been together for over 30 years. My dad has changed a lot. He use to treat my mother poorly but now treats her with the utmost respect. He quit a lot of his bad habits(being abusive, drinking, etc...) and is now a good husband and father. He is actually raising my sisters children(who he adopted) when she abandoned them. My parents are saints. They bail me and my wife out when we need a babysitter with no question. Don't even have to give them a reason. I call and say,"dad, I need you to pick up my daughter from daycare," and he responds,"sure son, i'll pick her up, you and your wife want us to make dinner." 

The worst part is that everything that has happened can be repaired. My wife and I have had a bad spell. We disconnected for a while. We were selfish and made bad decisions. We didn't work on our relationship like we should of and now may end up on the wrong side of the equation.


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## shadz (Aug 18, 2010)

my friend 

i beleive you need to stop thinking alot about every small thing ... you think too much about stuff could mean nothing , you are a fraid of doing anything so she will take it wrong way , i beleive you need to start relaxing and take a deep breath , you need to face the fact that you are separated and this could go for divorce , you love her yes but are you in love with her ?? 
when you do care less about everything you will be seeing things more brite and clear , don't put yourself in that black box and just have one thing in your day which is she will come back , am not asking you to go for divorce , but as much pressure you will put her in and put yourself in , things will go for worse , take a day off from everything , go some place you like , keep yourself busy 100% , this will help you to feel better and am sure you will start see things more clear than before. am sure your wife want that too , and when she will see this , if there is a chance things might come better . 
just don't think too much . it will kill everything


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## sadsoul (Aug 10, 2010)

I have good days and bad days. My wife has been gone for almost 2 weeks. Still real raw and fresh in my mind. I was having a bad evening when I wrote that last post. Still hard for me to let go and stop thinking about everything.


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## shadz (Aug 18, 2010)

I know it's still fresh man , and it's very hard to let go ask me ! and sometimes you do things and keep yourself busy so you just think about it 1 our out of 24 , but sometimes i feel like not going out , just sitting at home and think about her , and the good days , memories , which bring tears and chest pain .....
but at the end we need to move on , even if she will come back , you need to focus on yourself , your health , your work and your life , and let things goes with the flow , i know it's hard and the pain is unbeleivable , but step by step things will get better , it's just matter of time , you are the one who drawing the end , end of pain and misrable days . some people took them years some others took them weeks , men is stronger in nature and can handle tough times even if it's not totally their call.


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## sadsoul (Aug 10, 2010)

We went to therapy yesterday. She basically said she is not in love with me anymore. We will not be going to therapy together anymore. She hired movers and they are coming to get some stuff from my house. She will be coming with them. I don't want to be here but have to stick around to find out what she wants. We have discussed some of the big things she wants but I'm not sure about some of the smaller things. 

Our therapy visit was pretty ugly. I spoke with her before we went and she knows that I am depressed. I actually told her to not come if she didn't have anything positive to say. I was more than happy to go to therapy by myself. She came so I felt like she may have something nice to say. It was silly to get my hopes up I guess. I wrote her a nice letter to let her know how I feel and gave it to her before the therapy visit. I asked to her to read it later. Pretty much the first words out of her mouth were negative. It only got worse as the therapy continued. She related our marriage to a relationship I had with a high school buddy of mine. I use to have a bond with my high school buddy but we grew apart. She says that the bond we shared is no longer there. We were young when we got married and have changed over the 10 years we were together. The therapist seemed to be trying to pull her off the cliff so to speak. She reminded my wife that she had to have some love for me. That we were together for 10 years and had a child together. The therapist even reminded her that she has never really expressed at a therapy visit why she is unhappy and what caused her to grow apart from me. The therapist seemed to think that my wife may be throwing away the relationship when she doesn't even know the main reason she is unhappy. 

I am as lost as I have ever been right now. Don't know what to do. My wife's family came to visit with me and said they support me. They hope we get back together. They feel like we should of been going to church. They tell me that space probably will not work. I have to let her know that I love her and want the marriage to last. I have to show her that things will be better. That is why I wrote her the letter. Have to start trying to win her back. Now I am not sure that the letter did any good.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Did you ever snoop to see if she was having an affair? Having a baby can mess with a woman's mind; may do things you'd never suspect.


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## sadsoul (Aug 10, 2010)

No snooping yet. I really don't suspect cheating but who knows. She gave me her new address. I am still listed as her husband and have access to her facebook.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

The reason I ask is that if she DID find another guy, you can fight that. You can work to stop the affair and, if you do, the wife will often come back to the marriage. But it will never happen as long as she is getting some needs met by another man. So it would behoove you to find out.


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## sadsoul (Aug 10, 2010)

I know that the ball is in my wifes court now. She has not filed for divorce yet and will continue to go to therapy alone. Im praying that the therapist will help her come to terms with what is making her so unhappy. 

Besides working on my own issues, is there anything that I can do? Should I text her and try to make her laugh. Should I send her flowers? Should I write love letters? Should a write a apology letter?

Im so confused. Don't want to push her away even more. Tough situation. Do nothing and giving her space VS fight to win her back. :scratchhead:


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Well, if I was in your shoes, the FIRST thing I would do is do some snooping to see if she is seeing another man. Because if she is, you are spinning your wheels trying to fix the marriage until Other Man is out of the picture. Since she moved out, I would see if you have a friend who could follow her here and there, to see where she goes.


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

sadsoul said:


> I know that the ball is in my wifes court now. She has not filed for divorce yet and will continue to go to therapy alone. Im praying that the therapist will help her come to terms with what is making her so unhappy.


Nope. 

The ball is as much in your court as hers. 

Take the ball, and do what will make you happy.

If you sit around and do nothing, then your wife will leave you. 



> Besides working on my own issues, is there anything that I can do? Should I text her and try to make her laugh. Should I send her flowers? Should I write love letters? Should a write a apology letter?


The only text or letters to her should either be telling her to come to join marriage councelling with you with the time and location, or a text or letter telling her where you and your new girlfriend would like to meet her to drop off the divorce papers.

This last part is only said partially serious of course. But the attitude is indeed serious and accurate and should not be missed.

Take all the leadership for yourself to either stand up to save your marriage, or take the leadership to end the marriage ON YOUR TERMS with integrity and respect.

Fight, and fight hard. 



> Im so confused. Don't want to push her away even more. Tough situation. Do nothing and giving her space VS fight to win her back. :scratchhead:


A woman asking for space, is either asking to be left alone to pursue her affair or she is simply buying time to get herself set up for when she cuts her man loose, instead of crushing her man all at one time.

By no means to "do nothing". At the least, get to the gym, pursue your hobbies, get some new clothes, do only the things you enjoy doing and make you happy and bring you peace as a man. 

As if you are either going to woo your woman or woo some new woman, this is simply the time to be the best you that you can be.

And to agree with Turnera, it does sound like some affair man in the picture. If so, do NOTHING before you shut down that affair, as anything and everything else will be a waste of time.

In all these things I wish you well.


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## sadsoul (Aug 10, 2010)

My wife and I are still separated. No real progress. I am going to therapy. I am actually going to church with my spouses family. I have been working out more. I have been hanging out with friends. I have decided that I will do things that make me happy but still let my wife know that I love her. No pressure. I will continue to make myself better and also let my wife know that I love her. 

I don't think I will focus on her cheating on me(dont know if she is). I have no proof and I am not willing to piss her off by snooping. I could check her cell records but it would require me to reset her password. She would instantly know that I tampered with her account. Setting outside her house would be way too obvious. I have a very unique vehicle. The car I drive is not common. 

I will put my faith in the Lord and hope that my wife will come around. I'll give her a gift from time to time and hope that it makes her feel better. I don't want her to be unhappy.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

*sigh*

You may as well just get divorced then. Women want their man to fight for them. Not be a doormat. They don't respect doormats; they run from them.

But good luck.


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## sadsoul (Aug 10, 2010)

turnera said:


> *sigh*
> 
> You may as well just get divorced then. Women want their man to fight for them. Not be a doormat. They don't respect doormats; they run from them.
> 
> But good luck.


I just think the whole act of snooping is negative. If im not at peace doing it then there must be a reason. I don't know how pissing my wife off is going to make her any closer to me. I know that if she was snooping on me it would piss me off. 

I really don't understand the doormat thing. Should I be putting constant pressure on her to come back? I also don't know how me calling her or going over to her apt every other day is going to do anything but drive her farther away. 

I did say that we keep in touch because of our daughter. When I talk to her, I let her know that I love her and miss her. I have been giving her gifts that will make her smile.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Here's the thing. If she IS cheating, the advice you'd be getting is completely different from the advice you'd be getting if she isn't. If she is cheating, all these things you're doing - being nice, etc. - do NOTHING to make her want you. Because she is getting her Emotional Needs met by another man. 

Thus, if she is cheating, your number one goal to do FIRST is to get Other Man out of the picture, so that she starts seeing you again; with OM in picture, HE is all she sees; you're just a distraction who won't do the decent thing and get out of her life.

Lots of ways to get OM out of the picture, if that's the case. But you have to know, first. If you snoop and find nothing, tell her the truth and apologize and say "I was afraid I was not getting a fair chance with you and I had to know."


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## sadsoul (Aug 10, 2010)

Last weekend I really thought about her cell. I know that she changed her password before she left. I should of got the phone and looked at everything when she was home. I even got online and tried to hack it. I just don't know her password. If I reset her password using her social security number, I will definitely get busted. No question. I have to weigh the consequences. Is it worth making her mad to see her phone records.

Hanging out at her apt and trying to catch her in the act is hard as well. I would have to use somebodies car. I would have to find a babysitter for my daughter. I doubt my wife is going out with a OM while she has my daughter(who knows). 

I did have both computers at my house when she left. I took the desktop and she has the laptop. I could of put keylogger on it but I just don't know why but I trust my wife. 

Just a bad situation all together.


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## sadsoul (Aug 10, 2010)

Things have gone bad now. I guess I put to much pressure on my wife. I wrote her a love letter and last night I drunk texted her. I just said that I love her and wanted to know what she wanted to take me back in the text. She basically said that she did not intend on coming back and I need to accept it. She said that my love letters and gifts are inappropriate. I woke up today to find out that my wife unfriended me on facebook. I got pissed off and told her that she was heartless. I didn't understand why she would say that telling her I loved her was inappropriate. I didn't feel like the things I did would cause her to be so cold to me. I accused her of cheating on me. I decided against my good judgment to get her cell records. Its going to piss her off but she unfriended me on facebook. I know that it was wrong but I did it anyway. Nothing out of the ordinary on the phone records. A lot of texts to certain numbers but no weird phone calls to unknown numbers. The texts concern me. They are to a cell and I cant reverse look up the owners name. Things are backsliding a bit. At another crossroads now. Don't know what to do next.


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

I never thought my husband was cheating either and I still have access to his Facebook, Linkedin and his personal email(one of them). He still has me on his Facebook and he still shows married(our divorce will be final next week). If she is having an affair she will slip up somewhere. All cheaters make mistakes sooner or later. But don't make any accusations until you have a SOLID proof


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Hire a PI.


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## sadsoul (Aug 10, 2010)

turnera said:


> Hire a PI.


i am considering this idea. don't know how it will help.

My wife is texting one number a lot. No phone conversations. Just texts. If you were having a relationship with another person, could you keep it just to text? Seems like I would notice some long conversations if they were emotionally connecting. Very tempted to just call the number and see who is texting my wife. Use *67 and dial the number. Tried it out calling my land line and it blocked my cell caller id.

A couple of times I was texting her and at the same time she was getting texts from the other number. She responded to us both like it wasn't a big deal. 

Did a reverse look up on a site that you can pay and find out the owner of a cell. The cell shows to be owned by a female. Don't know if I believe the site. I had to pay $10 to get that info.


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## sadsoul (Aug 10, 2010)

I have a friend at work that used a PI and found it useful. Not to reunite with his spouse but to help get full custody of his child. The PI that he hired found enough evidence to help him. Dug through the trash and got photos. 

I really feel like my wife is not cheating on me. Maybe a emotional affair but not a physical affair. Who knows though.


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## friendly (Sep 21, 2010)

Quote: She made it through school and it was my time now. It was premature of me to act this way but she now had what she wanted and I never had a chance to do what I wanted

Quote: I will put my faith in the Lord and hope that my wife will come around. I'll give her a gift from time to time and hope that it makes her feel better. I don't want her to be unhappy
-------------------------------------------------------------------

Your story brought me tears. You're far from a selfish man. 

In your marriage, you have built up a wrong impression- her happiness is most important in the marriage. 

I know you want to make her happy because you love her so much but sometimes it's very dangerous to let a woman gets whatever she wants. 

That is a pitfall- once you fall into it, you can't get out. As soon she gets enough from you, she is always ready to pack and go, dumping you in the pit. Sorry, no offence, it's sad but true!

She didn't need you to be her husband to love her. She only wanted you to agree with her, including the divorce and freedom she desires the most. 

She only cares about what she wants, not what you want because she knows that you will eventually listen, give in to make her happy; all what she needs to do is to insist in having what she wants, since you have set the rule #1 Her happiness is the most important. 

Your wife has gone. Her mind and soul are apart from you. Sad but true! Better let bygones be bygones!

Be strong! You don't want to cry and you don't want to beg. You are a man! Get out from the pit! You can do it! No time to regret! 

You need a good divorce that allows you the most time to pursue your dreams. You can find a better job in a bigger town! 

A brighter future is awaiting you, now you just need to let go so you can do whatever you want in your life.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

sadsoul said:


> i am considering this idea. don't know how it will help.
> 
> My wife is texting one number a lot. No phone conversations. Just texts. If you were having a relationship with another person, could you keep it just to text?


Lots of people do.


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## love is messy (Sep 21, 2010)

Your story really brought tears to my eye’s because I feel a lot of what you feel. I too don’t want to believe that my husband is not in love with me anymore. One thing you said that your W said to you was that she wants you to be happy, to find someone that will love you back (or something to that sort). That’s the exact same thing my husband told me when we first separated. And I’m thinking…”no, I have the person I want”. So I understand how fustruating that feels, but sooner or later you will come to the acceptance stage.

I mean, you will realize that no matter how much you love a person, you can’t love enough for the both of you. And at the end of it all, if you give your heart and soul to a person then you deserve to get that back. And I too come from parents that have been together for a long time (26 years) and did go through their share of troubles. They almost got a divorce when I was young. My mom told me that she literally hated my Dad for a full year. But they made it and their still going strong. They are my heros. I feel sad b/c I feel like my son will be missing out on what I myself was blessed with (growing up with both parents, having my family together).

I too, like you, believe that marriage is about sticking it out and making it through hell and back with a person, because at the end when your old, you want to be able to look at that person with respect and love and say yes, look at what we went through but we’re still here, we didn’t give up. But you have to understand that not everyone feels and thinks the same way as you or I. _You cant fight fate._ There is a greater plan here. Maybe she is not the one that God has plans for you to spend the rest of your life with. Sometime’s we focus so much on our plans and our dreams for ourselves that we don’t take time to really give it all to God. Were here to serve his purpose, and I myself don’t believe that God intended marriage to be one person being in love and the other not loving them back. Hope this helps…


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## sadsoul (Aug 10, 2010)

Thanks for the advice. 

I don't know what to do. I go to therapy and ask the same questions. I get advice that says to accept what my wife is telling me and move on. I am definitely not ready to move on. My wife has been gone a little over a month. My definition of moving on and other peoples definition may be way different. For me that means giving up on the relationship. Eventually I will move on but not right now.

I also understand the male ego side of what people say I should be doing. They say that I am taking the female role. My wife is about to go out of town for a month again. People close to me say that she made the choices she is in and I shouldn't support her. She wants me to watch our child 5 nights and she watch her 2 nights a week. I get my baby during the week and she will watch her on the weekends. I also learned that this situation will last for 2 months. I let my wife know that this is unfair. I shouldn't be told that I get 5 nights and she gets 2 nights a week for 2 months. The therapist says that I am taking the hero role right now. Im stepping up when needed. Im not taking a female role. People close to me say that not giving her hardship is supporting her. I did let her know that I will do what I do because I love her and still consider her my wife. 

This whole thing sucks. My wife can choose to love me. She can choose to try to work on our relationship. She knows what is best for our baby and can choose to try to make our relationship work. She is doing what she does in spite of me and our child. Regardless of what she is doing, I still love her. I understand how she feels and don't blame her for nothing. 

Communication is key. We need to express how we feel. Eventually we will get to communicate together. I need to know my role right now. What I can do and not anger my wife. If she doesn't want to be my friend, thats ok right now. If she wants to work on us being friends, im ok with it. If she eventually wants to work on our relationship, I would be extremely happy.


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## sadsoul (Aug 10, 2010)

Sometimes I get hope. I feel like what I am doing is connecting with my wife. I gave her a CD and she posted a song from the CD I gave her on facebook. I play innocent and don't let her know that I know. I gave her a CD and it connected with her. She posted this song on facebook:

YouTube - "Hello World" by Lady Antebellum with lyrics

I am sorry if I broke any rules. I am emotional right now. I feel the same way she does. This is the song that I connect to since I have a 1 year old daughter. It made me feel so good when she posted it. 

Even if we connect on a level that she will not confess to it makes me feel good.


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## sadsoul (Aug 10, 2010)

She pretty much knows that I can log into her account if she is reading this thread. I hope she doesn't know.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Did you tell her about this place?


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## Jayster69 (Sep 29, 2010)

Dude, I REALLY hate to tell you this, but it is over. There is no hope for this. All of your attempts to win her back are pushing her away more. Here is the way it works. The more needy someone is the more the other feels smothered and the more they pull away. The more someone pulls away the more the other becomes needy. You need to break away from this downward spiral. There are plenty of fish in the sea and none of them are perfect or soul mates. She wasn't the one. Pick yourself up and carry on. Remember who YOU are. You need self esteem. You need to be able to make yourself happy. You don't need anyone else and shouldn't ever again depend on anyone else to make you happy. You definitely shouldn't make yourself sick wasting your time on someone that obviously doesn't deserve you.

Bottom line is you need to find independence. The only way any relationship will ever work for you is if you are the independent kind and so is she. You don't need her right now. All you need is true friends and self acceptance. A true friend is all you need in any future relationship as well. Someone that accepts you for you. Get away from her...she is poison.

If she is cheating, you don't want to stay. There will never be trust and it won't work out. Get some guts and stand up and end the nightmare now. Get out while she opened the door for you. The more you beg and cry, the more she will run away. If you show confidence in yourself, and you only can by truly leaving, then she might possibly see this change and find new respect for you. Whoever said the saying about the doormat nailed it. Get out now.

See your kids every opportunity you can and don't complain. When you finally file for divorce you should try for custody showing she doesn't have time to keep them.


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## sadsoul (Aug 10, 2010)

Thanks for the advice Jayster69. Everybody keeps giving me your advice or advice very similar to what you are saying. The sad part is that I don't have a life outside my family really. My life revolved around my wife and child. I have family. I have a few friends but nobody that I would call a best friend. I do think this is maybe part of the reason my wife left me. She has carried me socially for a while. I felt awkward hanging out with a lot of her friends. She tried to integrate me into her new life some and I was hesitant. Moving on is going to be tougher for me than her. Im going to have to force myself to be different. It will not come naturally for me. 

What I have been doing is not working. I keep struggling through. I keep trying to find some gray area between completely giving up moving on and sitting at home waiting for my wife to come home. Im slowly realizing that there isn't much of a gray area really. Im here alone. She knows how I feel and doesn't seem to care right now. She is taking the attitude that you guys say I should be taking. Her pulling away is having the affect that yall mentioned. The more she pulls away from me the more I want her to come home. 

I have been with my wife for 10 years. I don't know how to start. Maybe you guys can give me some advice about single life. Im 33 years old and I am clueless. I exercise already. I go to church. Im close to my brother but he is married and has kids. He is supportive but can only do so much for me. A lot of my work friends are married. I work hard and unfortunately have to work a lot of overtime. I have a baby half of the time as well. What do single people do? Seems a lot harder at age 33 then back when I was 21. Everybody I know has a wife and kids. Everybody is so busy with work and family. Being 33 and single sucks for me right now.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

No offense, but you're being a wimp.

WHY should she even care what you want when you accept cheating and do NOTHING to save your marriage?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

sadsoul said:


> What I have been doing is not working. I keep struggling through. I keep trying to find some gray area between completely giving up moving on and sitting at home waiting for my wife to come home. Im slowly realizing that there isn't much of a gray area really. Im here alone. She knows how I feel and doesn't seem to care right now. She is taking the attitude that you guys say I should be taking. Her pulling away is having the affect that yall mentioned. The more she pulls away from me the more I want her to come home.


 Waawaa.

Come on, sadsoul, grow a pair.

Have you done ANY reading about affairs? Surviving An Affair? Anything?

What you are doing will NOT stop her cheating.
It only makes you look weak and desparate, and I am here to tell you that NO WOMAN wants a weak man.

The more you hope and pray and wait and kiss up, the more she HATES you.

Are you going to fight for your marriage, or not?


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## sadsoul (Aug 10, 2010)

I have no proof that she is having a affair. If I knew for sure and was not doing anything about it, I could see why people should be calling me a wimp. 

I hacked her cell and can see all her calls. I have complete access to her facebook. Im monitoring my wife. Im not setting outside my wifes apt. Would that make me less of a wimp if I start stalking my wife. Should I get a gps unit and strap it to the bottom of my wifes car. 

I have a friend at work that used a private investigator to win full custody of his baby. Im talking to him. I haven't committed to go there yet.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I know lots of people who have put GPS devices or voice-activated recorders in their spouses' cars to find out IF they are cheating. You are fighting to save your marriage. Your wife is acting suspiciously. If you snoop and find out nothing, you can tell her the truth and tell her WHY you felt you had to find out, and you can move forward.

If you snoop and DO find the affair, you can then confront her and tell her to make a choice. 

Either way, you will know what you're dealing with. As it is now, you are in limbo, and you have no idea if what you are doing is helping or hurting your chances.


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## sadsoul (Aug 10, 2010)

This week will be 2 months since my wife left. She is going to be working out of town for the entire month of October. I had a bad moment when she dropped off my daughter the evening before she left. I asked to speak with her for a moment and she said ok. I let her know that I accept how she feels. I let her know that I understand why she left. The way the relationship was before was not good. I let her know that I feel like through therapy and through other learning(books, internet) I understand better the behavior that drove her away. I told her that I am willing to be patient. Giver her as much space as she needs. I only asked that when she got tired of being alone that she would consider giving me one more shot. I asked her to let me prove to her that I understand what went wrong. It didn't go well at all. She went totally negative. She said I didn't deserve another shot. She said that I have been selfish and controlling the entire marriage. She was not planning on giving me another chance. I cried a lot and was down for a while but for some reason I didn't get as depressed as I use to get. 

Over the next couple of days my attitude has shifted some. I think im entering the anger stage now. I can only think of the bad things in the marriage. I actually think that my wife leaving me has taught me a valuable lesson. Some good may of actually come from this mess. I went out to a party and had a really good time. Stayed out real late(something i haven't done in a long time). I took down all the photos of my wife. I put them in a closet. I deleted all the pics of my wife on facebook. Im going to stop worrying and try to have some fun. I started to do some online chat(something I haven't done through my whole relationship with my wife). 

I feel good. I have a more positive attitude. Don't know if this will last but it feels good now. 

This is for turnera. I know you are going to get on here and call me a wimp. Its not going to get me down. I am not concerned if my wife is cheating on me. It will hurt my feelings and if she is doing it with a friend of mine, I will probably get real upset. I may still hire a PI to find out. I still haven't found the guts to call the number she texts over and over again. I don't know why. 

I get to watch my baby during the week and she gets friday and saturday night. Its party time. No contact to her. If she initiates contact I will give a real brief reply but will not initiate any contact with her. She knows how I feel. No need to stress it any more. Only makes me hurt. Contact only shows my wife that im desperate and insecure. Nobody wants to be with desperate, insecure man. :smthumbup:


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I don't think you're a wimp. Personally, if my spouse cheated, I'd never have anything to do with him again. That's MY limit.

Basically, she is not a friend of your marriage right now. That alone gives you the right to walk away any time you want. 

The only reason I'd give you a hard time is if you said you wanted to work to save the marriage, because THAT would entail totally different advice.

I actually often advise people to go out and live their own lives, give the spouse a taste of their own medicine. PLUS, it gives you a sense of your being able to survive without them, if that's what ends up happening. 

I wish you peace.


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## sadsoul (Aug 10, 2010)

Thought I would post a update. Nothing really to update. My wife has been gone 3 months. Still hasn't filed for divorce. Not sitting around being depressed anymore. More in the anger stage i guess. It really pisses me off that my wife has all the power over our marriage and my child. She knows how I feel. She knows the consequences of us getting a divorce. Really the only consequence deals with our daughter. It sickens me to think that Im going to miss out on half my childs life. It sickens me to think my daughter might call some other man her father. I hate to think about my daughter needing me and I not being there for her. It angers me to see how casual my wife is about this situation. It is like she understands the consequences and it doesn't matter. Her hatred of me is so great that the consequence is worth it to her. 

I spoke with her recently and asked to talk for a few minutes. I said that I was still having difficulty moving on because I didn't understand what was irreconcilable about our marriage. Asked if she would go to therapy with me to help me understand. Said it may help me move on. Her response was to belittle me and bring up every bad thing i did over the past year. She said she has built up so much resentment for me that there is no love left for me. No apology will help. She said there wasn't anything irreconcilable. She just chooses not to reconcile. She knows the concequence of divore and doesn't care.

I pretty much threw a fit. Told her she was being selfish and was making a decision that will affect my life with my daughter. Said that is pissed me off that she wouldn't at least make a try to reconcile. Told her that her daughter may love her new mommy more than her when I remarry. How would that make her feel. Got a lot dirtier than that. 

Everything is still pretty messed up. I love my wife but my desire to keep trying is shrinking. Losing a lot of respect for her. Really don't know this new person. She is turning into a monster.


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## sadsoul (Aug 10, 2010)

I pretty much made the decision today to quit being mr nice guy with my wife. She wanted all the ornaments(fighting over stupid stuff). She said she had to buy a tree so I had to pay for the ornaments. I said she could have them but to please come get them when I wasn't home(she still has access to my house and I have no access to hers). I spent Thanksgiving alone for the first time in 10 years and wasn't thrilled about it. I was a little depressed. Told her it wasn't the right time for her to come over and start demanding stuff. She came by to drop off our child and said she was getting the ornaments now because she didn't have time to get them any other time. I started to talk to her and let her know how much my Thanksgiving sucked. Basically everything went downhill from there. It ended with me demanding her key and garage door remote. I said she has had plenty of time and access to get whatever she needed. Said I don't have access to her place and she was no longer having access to mine. Told her I was no longer accepting her mail. Said she needed to take care of it because it was going to be thrown away if got delivered to my house. Told her to get her own health insurance. I was no longer going to pay for it. The war is starting. Wish I could be a bigger person and not take this road but I just can't right now. I would still try to reconcile our marriage right now. As horrible as she has treated me. I know the consequences are so high that it would be worth it. She told me to get a lawyer because my demands are against the law. I actually already have a lawyer. Don't know if my demands are against the law but I guess I will find out.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Do you know about Plan B?


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