# I'm separating too...



## NicoleT43 (Aug 14, 2019)

Hi all. I haven't completed my post in the New Members section yet as I'm still trying to process what's happened. Maybe I'll never complete it. Who knows. Either way, I'm here now. And maybe we will get to correspond. Cos I feel like I can contribute here. And I definitely get comfort. And conviction. Its nurturing. And addictive. Something that I also need to watch out for cos I am. A functioning alcoholic and nicotine addict. I'm at the stage where both appall me yet I cant seem to stop. It's almost apathetic self destructive. Anyway my husband and I broke up on our wedding anniversary 7? years ago after an argument we had about a (totally innocent) whatsapp btw him and a female friend of ours I wasnt comfortable with. Maybe he saw that as controlling when I laid down the law but he basically told me to get fc*ked. For interfering or angering him or not trusting him I dont know.. anyway I packed up and left. It wasnt the first time we have split. At that time I really wanted out. My heart was broken from not knowing what to do despite desperately loving this person who didnt seem to get you, despite wanting you violently.. We had, (still have) even up until this morning, and probs again tonight, share an incredible desire for each other. It can be extremely intoxicating.. however my husband is very emotionally closed off and distant with me and very much not an affectionate person. It's an incredibly lonely place to be since those things are some of my primary needs. He always has been, despite my attempts to get him to be otherwise with me. He always says that's how he is and if I dont like it I can leave. Is that because he just doesnt know *how* to deal with it? Deal with anything actually. Every issue we ever had was rugswept, we resolved nothing. He wasnt willing to work through anything. And resentment built.

I ended up seeing an old lover for a bit when we broke up, very casually, maybe three months in total. Had sex with him 1 and 1/2 times. I felt obligated to the sex. I felt it was eventually expected. I just wanted him to make me feel better, spoil me, hang out, feel appreciated (even if he just wanted to get in my pants) he still made me feel interesting, worthy of talking to.. idk.. When my husband asked me back I told him what I had done because I'd been on here before (yes a long time lurker), it broke his heart but after days of awfulness he decided he would give me another chance.. 7 years ago... he says he has but I dont think he has really forgiven me.. it comes up in every, every major fight and there have been more than many of those..

We are separating because we had a stupid fight a week ago and he told me again to go fc*k myself. Again. And you guys say a BS triggers? THAT brought back everything I have suffered over the last 7 years after being an honest WS (if there is such a thing). We were broken up! There was no structured separation. I loved him greatly but was tired of the fights I tried to move on.. anyway.

I want to use this time alone to grow. I want to get into meetings for my drinking and spend time in my relationship with Christ. I was reborn 6 June 2016. How poetic, ne?

Here to listen and help. You all have helped me tremendously over the years.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Have you learned your lesson?

Don't go looking to start a relationship casual or otherwise while separated. Don't even think about being with a man.

Learn to grow in Christ. Yes, pursue that.

Everything else will follow.


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

How do you have sex 1 1/2 times?


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## NicoleT43 (Aug 14, 2019)

You get started and you dont finish. Second time was an insane attempt in the backseat of his car. It didnt work out. I felt ridiculous and called it. I guess that stuff only works in your teens.


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## NicoleT43 (Aug 14, 2019)

I learned my lesson 7 years ago, yes. The hard part is having and loving a man who was already emotionally closed off before the breakup and, if we are meant to be together, helping him to share his heart with me now.


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