# destroying the evidence



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I'm having a hard time with deciding on what to do with the evidence that I have gathered on my wifes infidelity. I have destroyed the pictures and texting, but the phone records and back round checks are something I can't let go. 
From time to time we reference them to see who has sent her a text. The current issue was this weekend, when a guy texted "how have you been?" I found that the last contact with this # was Dec. '09 after the ONS that occured in Oct.22nd '09 around 8:00 pm. This affair was with a tourist. (a cop on a convention)
Anyway, we are very much commited to each other and she has never replied to these text or emails.
I would like to hear both the pros and the con of keeping this information.


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## Kidjakaj55 (Oct 5, 2010)

Hi

I am also the betrayed spouse and I feel for you. I know the gut wrenching feeling when a text or call comes in. do you check or not.

Don't be too hard on yourself as your feelings and actions are normal. our counsellor actually told me to check his phone and by doing this then it would help to trust, he was right, I now no longer check everyday, and on the rare time that I do it backs up what I already know...it is over.

Whether you keep the information or not depends on what it is, some could be soul detroying so if it is get rid of it.

for us... we have kept our notes from counselling and my journal, DH read the journal the other day and had tears in his eyes, so it is there as a reminder of where we were and where we are now, not to throw up in his face.

I also read it and it was gut wrenching to realise how devestated I was.

It is now 2.5 years since it all unfolded, it still hurts, I still react at times to peoples comments etc, but it is getting easier. 

The more effort we put in our marriage the stronger it is becoming. I still hurt and still hstruggle with my own self worth but it is getting easier.

My advise get rid of anything that has no value in moving your marriage forward to a safe place.

Take care

Kezza


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## avenrandom (Sep 13, 2010)

the guy said:


> Anyway, we are very much committed to each other...


If you are "very much" committed, then why do you need them around to remind you of the hurt? If you forgive her and are working together to move past it, then keeping it around would seem that you aren't really over it. What if she found it years down the road? It would really hurt her and bring her back down. 

A suggestion if you are adamant about being closer to her; Inform her that you still have it, and as part of the healing process, you would like to destroy the evidence together. It could hurt her that you still have this information, so you would need to contemplate that fact. The "ritual" however could bring you closer together. You could make a very romantic, positive, and marriage-building experience from something very negative and hurtful.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

At this point, keeping the evidence like the photos and texts would pretty much be holding onto resentment, and pretty much just continue to hurt you and your marriage--so I'm in agreement with your decision to destroy that evidence. 

However, there may be some measure of wisdom to keeping the list of phone/text numbers. In an instance such as the one that really did occur, you two can use it as an investigative tool to figure out who it is that's texting "out of the blue". I don't think holding onto the list is a particular act of not forgiving or not letting it go...but I DO have an idea. Since your wife has been demonstrating commitment and has been shown that she's working on the marriage with both words and actions, maybe as a symbolic gesture you could give HER the list. Ask her to hold onto it so when she gets an odd text you two can bring out the list together and review it together. That way you are demonstrating to her that you are not holding onto it anymore, and that the two of you are facing these things as a team.


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## Blue Moon (Sep 7, 2009)

I'm of the belief that whenever couples decide to stay together after an affair, the other person should have no problem giving open access to their phone and e-mails until trust is regained.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Awsome, I'm taking the the list that I have allready showm my W and printing it out for her to keep and the backround check stuff is going on the fire. I plan on making a nice romantic evening in front of the fireplace as a symbol of use moving forward.
I'm still thinken of keeping the list on the computor, just in case she looses it.

BM,
My W is doing a great job in that department, I couldn't ask for more in regards to her fourthcoming. Not only do I have access, I also receive her timecard and work receipts with regards to when and were she is. I dont even have to ask, she just understands its part of the healing.
AC,
The pics/text were severly harsh (naked) they had to go I just needed to have during the confrontation. I could never look or read them again. Talk about ambarressing for the W.. I never saw her look more ashamed. I'm glad that phase is over and done with. and healing has begun. 
Its been 8 months since the confrontation and I just needed some input on this matter, so thank you


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## Blue Moon (Sep 7, 2009)

Great. The only way you could possibly work things out is if she's a team player, and it sounds like she is. It's impossible to heal and move forward if you still have doubts in your head on if she's being faithful. Glad to see she's doing whatever she can to help alleviate those doubts.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

Good job :smthumbup: Now keep up the good work! 

(It's nice to hear a story heading in a successful direction. I think it encourages people.)


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