# Husband Can't Take Care Of Kids, Feeling Resentful



## ImaginationStation

First off, happy July 4th to all of our American friends! Now, for my problem:

My husband easily gets frustrated and annoyed when he has to take care of the kids. Today I woke up with the stupidest cold. I hate being sick. Mainly because I know I am going to be left to deal with the children regardless. My husband is on a two-week vacation from work, and he's been playing his stupid computer game today since the moment he woke up.

He gets frustrated when the kids are running around touching everything, even though he could easily just get off his ass and check on them or move the stuff they aren't supposed to be touching away. No, he gets pissed off because they aren't allowing him to play his game in peace. 

Then he leaves the house stating he needed a break. It's been about two hours. Pretty much the whole time he was on the computer. I'm left in the dust once again and we've talked about this many times top the point where if I bring up anything anymore he says "everything is always my fault" "i'm so sick of fighting" etc. 

My mom asked me to go to the states with her for two or three days for my birthday, just a drive down for shopping and I leave on Monday. There was a huge fight to begin with with that situation because he gets "jealous" if I get to do something that he wants to do. 

I'm feeling the resentment build up from all of these different issues, I have told him many times I don't feel like he has my back at all, and yet, I still feel like I get walked on all the time in this house...

I have broken out all over my face due to stress, my time of the month just stopped today after one day which is completely abnormal (I am not pregnant) and I just am SO unhappy. 

Every little comment like, oh, I was at the computer for 2 hours, not really watching the kids, just yelling at them, and now I need a break. F you. I can't just leave the house during the day while you're at work and walk out. 

Mostly a vent as you can tell. Thanks for listening


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## NobodySpecial

I am thinking there is a lot more going on for you here. I am betting a dollar that there is a lot more going on than the kids. Without writing a book, can you tell us a little about how you guys got started? How were the early feelings? When did the feelings start to change, assuming that they were good in the first place?

But if this is a vent, then I say that is sucky. Can you get someone to sit the kids while you take some time for yourself?


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## ImaginationStation

Hi nobody special, 

We just had someone sit the kids. If you'd like my full story you can get the jist of it from my other posts if you like.


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## EleGirl

ImaginationStation said:


> Hi nobody special,
> 
> We just had someone sit the kids. If you'd like my full story you can get the jist of it from my other posts if you like.


I'm not sure why having someone sit for your children in the past precludes you from having someone help with them when you need it.

Let's face it, a SAHM needs to have breaks from the kids. When you are sick it's ever more important. So if your husband will not take care of his own children then you need to find a way to get a break.

Hiring a sitter will do this. At times like this you can hire a young teen who just watches them when you are at home. I've done this, it works great. I found a high school girl to do this.

You are married to a man does not seem to care a lot for you and the children. What are you doing to address that?


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## Bobby5000

Read Men are From Mars Women are from Venus. You two have gender issues in addition to the fact that he has some communication issues and is somewhat introverted and perhaps mildly depressed. 

As to the trip, I'd try to be positive and appreciate to him, (tell him there's something in it for him) and go and have a nice time.


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## ImaginationStation

EleGirl said:


> I'm not sure why having someone sit for your children in the past precludes you from having someone help with them when you need it.
> 
> * I mean we just had someone take the kids last week for 4 days.
> 
> Let's face it, a SAHM needs to have breaks from the kids. When you are sick it's ever more important. So if your husband will not take care of his own children then you need to find a way to get a break.
> 
> Hiring a sitter will do this. At times like this you can hire a young teen who just watches them when you are at home. I've done this, it works great. I found a high school girl to do this.
> 
> Not everyone can afford to hire a sitter. I know we sure can't.
> 
> You are married to a man does not seem to care a lot for you and the children. What are you doing to address that?
> 
> Not a whole lot. He's a nice, caring guy, provides financially, but is really starting to get on my nerves with his negative attitude towards pretty much everything in life. Today he has spent a total of almost 10 hours so far playing video games both on thye computer and on the tv.
> 
> I'm just at the point where I am going to do what I want, and I am going to change my life for the better.


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## richie33

Some men think all the have to do is provide. It's a shame cause years will go by real fast and he won't be able to get those back. 
We found a great sitter on Care.com, hopefully that's ok to mention. 
Everyone needs time to get away for a bit. It's healthy.


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## EleGirl

ImaginationStation said:


> Not a whole lot. He's a nice, caring guy, provides financially, but is really starting to get on my nerves with his negative attitude towards pretty much everything in life. Today he has spent a total of almost 10 hours so far playing video games both on thye computer and on the tv.


The way your husband is spending his time fosters the bad attitude he’s developing. This is getting to be a huge problem in a lot of marriages. Some people get to the point that they cannot function off the computer and video games. Look up game addiction, computer addiction. There are reasons that this happens. It causes changes in brain chemistry. (I’m not talking about a reasonable amount of gaming/computer use. What you are dealing with is excessive to put it mildly.)




ImaginationStation said:


> I'm just at the point where I am going to do what I want, and I am going to change my life for the better.


Yes you need to do this.

But you really need to tell your husband in clear terms about the problems you have with your marriage and the way he’s behaving. Write it down and give it to him in writing… or email it to him. That way he might actually read it.


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## JustHer

Break the computer.


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## staarz21

I absolutely despise grown people who ignore the kids for computer/video games! There is simply ZERO excuse. If your kids are quite young and have have a early bed time, scheduled nap times, dedicated "quiet times" THOSE are times he can play his video games. 

If your children are a little older he can play more...It's not that hard to figure out. 

So the question is, why is he avoiding spending time with them/you when you really need the help?

Has he always been this way?


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## Ms. GP

For the moment, I am also a sahm. I have activities outside the house and will leave the children with my husband a few times a week. He does the same thing too. I would suggest just leaving the house to run errands, work out, etc. He will figure it out. He's a grown man. You don't babysit your own children. You parent them. It sounds like he's a little too comfortable with you being home all the time.


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## marriedmanhere

My wife was/is a SAHM and I am the sole provider for the family. But I have planned a lot my time off from work as family time. I cherish the time with my kids and would not take anything for it.

I know that my wife and I are setting patterns in our children's behavior. If a boy grows up seeing that is father does not want to spend time with him, how do you think that boy will view time with his own children someday.

If a father does not show his daughter love, will she seek it in any man that shows her some?

I am never too busy to be with my children. They are both teens now and do not need as much supervision. 
It is easy to let them get involved in their phones or video games, so I try to come up with family things to keep us all together. I know in a few years that they will be out of the house. 

Will the OP's husband be happy or sad when his children leave?


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## Unique Username

Sorry this is happening to you.

Not uncommon - sadly.

He is being selfish and childish.

You have every right to be resentful.


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## bbdad

Tell him to man up and take care of the kids. I can not stand when other dads won't do anything for the kids. I take mine to movies, to the gym, swimming, to the parks, etc... I consider it a privilege to get to spend time with them. Dad's that shirk that responsibility and gift just really piss me off.


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## Wiltshireman

OP,

I am sorry to hear your problems and I agree whole hardheartedly with the sentiment expressed by most poster that your other half needs to "Man Up".

Personally I have always gone out of my way (when work allowed) to spend extra time looking after our kids (we have 5), enjoying activities together but perhaps I was better prepared for fatherhood than some.

As the oldest boy in a large family I looked after my little brothers, as a scout I helped run the cub troupe, as a junior leader at church I assisted with running the Sunday school etc. The nurturing side of my nature was given room to grow.

I can only hope that your partner can overcome his fears and experience the real joy that spending time with your children can bring.


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## Samayouchan

omg this is me


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## jasmine1

Sadly this is me too. The resentment is ruining my marriage. Sorry I have no advice.


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## Bobby5000

He is not good with communication and gets on the computer to get away. Your yell at him for being on the computer which reinforces his negative view of people in general and you in particular, which makes him want to escape more. 

I would try to work on a mutual solution, suggesting you would be more positive, appreciate him more recognize its hard to take care of kids but asked to do computer less. Try to talk and be positive.


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## babbles

Wonder how he would cope like I do with a wife being gone overseas for the second time in 16 months for 9 months. I have to do it all!! My hats off to any single parent who has to do it for real!!


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## Bobby5000

I think your husband is a little depressed, has control issues, and the manner in which you approach things increases the problem. Suggestions, 

1. Start discussions in a comfortable environment, not while the stressful situation is occurring. Begin with compliments, not criticism, 

2. Try to get your husband to talk, start discussions with the idea of working on some solutions. 

3. Tell him how you appreciate some of the things you do. 

4 Recognize men approach criticism the same way women approach useful and constructive suggestions men make about how they can exercise and lose weight. Go gingerly.


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## tenac

This is an interesting thread, even though it's a bit old, the person who started it hasn't posted for about 4 months, however upon reading the older threads there are lots of problems here. Lack of intimacy, even before the marriage, porn addition which he kept secret, when he wants sex from her he just takes it even to the point it could be considered rape.. the list goes on. Yet here she is complaining that he won't help out with the kids. That's the least of her problems. It would be like someone saying "I've got a leaky sink and it's leaving a puddle on the floor" and meanwhile someone points out that the house is engulfed with flames and maybe they should be calling the fire department rather than the plumber.


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## Bobby5000

A few comments. 

1. If he is on the computer, he tends towards being introverted and his response to conflict is to try to avoid it. 

2. I would try more positive reinforcement. Tell me he is doing a good job with the children, that some conflict is inevitable, and he may feel frustrated but shoulder through it. Try to initially give him a short time with the kids, compliment him, and try to allow him to build some self-confidence. 

3. You use some bad words and I think that increases his stress. I would try to avoid it and be calmer.


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