# Feeling sexually harassed



## altaclara29 (Jul 30, 2014)

Feeling sexually harassed
Is it sexual harassment when your husband constantly badgers you to take naked or scantily dressed selfie's when he's out of town? and, you let him know you're not comfortable with that? I've taken a number of selffees for him over the years that he could look at now, but he always seems to want something new. Plus I think it's a little disgusting. I also think it's a lack of respect on his part when I've expressed how I feel and he disregards it. So I'm curious how many people here feel comfortable taking naked selfie's of themselves for their spouses? And if you aren't comfortable how do you tell your husband without him having a snit fit. I don't nag my husband about anything other then, perhaps, drinking too much diet soda occasionally. Especially when his medical tests come back with health issues. Pardon any typos or misspelled words, I'm using Siri on my phone.


----------



## thefam (Sep 9, 2014)

I would love to do it for my H, but he has a work-issued phone so he keeps it clean. Worse he does on his phone is talk sports trash on twitter between rival sports teams fans.

I wish he would get a burner just so we could ...umm ... sext and send sex-lfies. 

I guess it just goes to show ya that one person's disgust is another person's desire ... so if you don't want to do it he should respect that. 

What about it disgusts you so? Are you afraid they could be made public somehow? Or is just the act of taking them disgusting to you?


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

A lot of people feel the way you do about taking naked or scantily dressed selfies. I'm another person who would never do it. The main reason that I would not do it is that once you send that photo out, you have lost control over it. You have no idea where it might end up. In a perfect world you could trust the internet, phone connections, and your husband. But we do not live in a perfect world. 

I would definitely never take a naked selfie. Scantily dressed can mean a lot of different things. You are the one who gets to decide what you are comfortable with. If you have explained your limits to him and he continues to push you to show more than you are willing to show, then he's harassing you and showing disrespect for your limits.

So the question is, what are you doing to do about it? How much does this hurt your feelings for him?


----------



## altaclara29 (Jul 30, 2014)

wow! lucky you! that's nice you have that kind of relationship with your husband. i'm not in that kind of relationship. my husband has taken the fun out of anything sexual. nothing is ever enough. if you take one photo, then he wants 10. and, then, he wants them every day. the more you do the more he wants. it's just his thing, which has turned into my thing, which has made everything not fun. i've asked, pretty much, all my friends this question and not one has shown any interest in participating in naked selfies for husbands pleasure. so, i was wondering if the rest of the world is into it. my husband has a tendency to turn anything you say into something sexual. but, he won't talk about normal stuff. it's the whole broken connection thing and he communicates like a neanderthal, no feelings, just grunts and mopes. so, you seem to have a good thing going, i hope it stays that way.

the disgusting part is that nothing seems respected, it all seems gratuitous and lascivious. it's like he's overdosed on porn.


----------



## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
if you are constantly asked to do something sexual that you don't want, and you have told him to stop asking, then it is harassment. 

It is worth considering why he wants you to do this, and why it bothers you - maybe there is a compromise.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

altaclara29 said:


> wow! lucky you! that's nice you have that kind of relationship with your husband. i'm not in that kind of relationship. my husband has taken the fun out of anything sexual. nothing is ever enough. if you take one photo, then he wants 10. and, then, he wants them every day. the more you do the more he wants. it's just his thing, which has turned into my thing, which has made everything not fun. i've asked, pretty much, all my friends this question and not one has shown any interest in participating in naked selfies for husbands pleasure. so, i was wondering if the rest of the world is into it. my husband has a tendency to turn anything you say into something sexual. but, he won't talk about normal stuff. it's the whole broken connection thing and he communicates like a neanderthal, no feelings, just grunts and mopes. so, you seem to have a good thing going, i hope it stays that way.
> 
> the disgusting part is that nothing seems respected, it all seems gratuitous and lascivious. it's like he's overdosed on porn.


Does he use a lot of porn?


----------



## altaclara29 (Jul 30, 2014)

I'm not sure if he watches a lot of porn. In the past he has, and he knows my feelings on this. I'm not opposed to porn, but, I know it can become addicting and have adverse psychological effects if you rely on it for primary pleasure. And, as a woman, I find it mysogynistic. He says he wants the pictures of me because he misses me, which is fine, but, I've taken pictures over the years (we've been together 16 years) so he has many year's worth of pictures to look at. At this point, I'm finished. I would think the compromise would be to look at older pics of me (older and in within the last year and prior to that). But, when he's away I like the time to do what I want without having to go home, get dolled up, put something slinky on, blah blah blah. It's like he has to make my free time his. I feel like it's a manipulation on so many levels. But, of course, I can't tell him this, because he can't handle the truth.


----------



## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

He can't handle the truth, You badger him over Diet soda. To me it looks like the lack of respect goes both ways. I don't personally have any pictures of my wife that I didn't take myself. And we do not transmit. Although there is more than one problem in your marriage, you are correct that his requests constitute sexual harassment, and you are perfectly within your rights to refuse those requests. Technically he is also perfectly within his rights to dissolve the union legally. I'm not saying your choice is the fault. Just pointing out that he may not be happy. The fact that you treasure your time away from him makes me question your happiness.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How often is your husband away from home and for how long?

How many of these days when he's away is he wanting you to take pictures of yourself to send to him?


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

What medical condition does he have that is worsened by the consumption of diet soda?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## altaclara29 (Jul 30, 2014)

Firstly, I never said I "badgered" my husband about diet soda, I simply remind him usually via news periodical how damaging it can be for your health. I have never nagged, nor even harshly chided him about anything, ever, because I understand his incredibly delicate psyche can't handle a real conversation. He doesn't go away often, maybe a few times a year to visit his kids in another state. It's almost like I have 2 children, but one provides the income (because he convinced me to give up mine, which was all my rental properties that brought in around $200k a year, which, in hindsight, of course, was incredibly stupid, but he realizes I've invested a huge amount of $$$$$ from the sales of said properties.) As long as I keep things on a light fresh and easygoing level, things are fine. I have my own avenues for adult interaction, but the older I get the more I realize how women's voices are diminished by the needs of barbaric men and it's frustrating. Plus, his behavior is rubbing off on our son, so i have to have plenty of gentle conversations of how NOT to treat women if you want them to love you back.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

My wife would not go for this idea. 

So I would not ask her to do it.

Your husband needs to grow up.


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

I don't think that the guidelines for consenting to sex in a marriage extend to creating pornography, even if it's meant only for his consumption. Here's the thing, when people travel, they are constantly having these ridiculous contests in bars to see what kind of photos they can get from their girlfriends/wives.

Moreover, when I was married I consented to Skype sex with my then-husband. Under the condition that he promised me that he would not record anything. So, he recorded stuff. Even though I asked him several times during the married encounter if he was taking shots regardless of his promise. It turned out he was. He later used them to harass me, by showing them to me 'accidentally', he was very eager for me to 'help' him with his computer.

Here's the thing, if your husband is PRESSURING you to do anything sexually outside of your comfort zone, and won't take no for an answer, you should have some extra awareness about what this says about his character and what that could lead to (situation such as I experienced.) I should have paid more attention to the warning signs, but I wanted to be a 'good' wife and stupid me thought that guys have 'different' needs when it came to sex and feeling secure in a relationship. My bottom line now is that everyone needs respect and trust and understanding in a relationship, the wife has just as much right to refuse such a request as the husband has to ask politely (once). If you say no, that's it for a while, and you can even tell him, I will let you know if I change my mind. Then, he doesn't need to keep asking. 

You are right to be concerned about sending explicit photos of yourself over the internet, or allowing them in any case. Once they are created, they are there forever. There are new laws about revenge porn, particularly in my state, but the enforcement is going to be dicey and in any case we all know that the laws and enforcement thereof can't erase someone's perception of you, whether it is right or wrong it is there, they will have seen your photo and already come to a conclusion. Think about what you want in your life, and what you don't want, and act accordingly. Saying no does not make you a party pooper, a prude, or a bad wife. Saying no makes you, you.
He married you, and providing him with explicit photos was not part of the marriage vow, nor could it ever be in any kind of prenup except the most crooked unenforceable one.

Also, I don't think that looking out for a loved one's health is a bad thing at all in a marriage. If he is drinking a lot of diet soda, driving too fast, smoking, not sleeping enough, spending too much, buying too many lottery tickets, etc. of course a spouse should express their concern, and disappointment if it is a change from the normal.


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

altaclara29 said:


> my husband has a tendency to turn anything you say into something sexual. ... it all seems gratuitous and lascivious. it's like he's overdosed on porn.


No, I don't think he's overdosed, he is just h*ll-bent on trashing your brain to be conditioned with these thoughts when he's not around to make the comments...

Be aware, it will take years to eradicate such thoughts from your own mind and return to normal thinking should you ever choose to leave this relationship. What you describe is not normal. I would suggest that this behavior is deliberate. 

On top of this, he convinced you to leave off your own activities when it came to generating income.

Regardless of what he is doing, what are you doing as a grown adult in terms of choosing what to expose yourself to and what compromises and actions you are making under the influence of people you choose to be in a marriage with. Is this something you think that you were intended to do, is this your sole purpose in life? I had to ask myself these questions, I had no good answers, and I realized I was brainwashed. It is a game the manipulative play...how much can I get someone to go against their so-called principles in life...what can I coerce this person into doing...it is control, power, manipulation. This is not what marriage is supposed to be, but any time we allow it to happen in a marriage, we are half of the problem, at the very least. Without our cooperation, it could not happen. We create and feed the beasts that torment us, and then we accept them as part of ourselves. If you leave, the longer you stay, the longer the 'beast' will be inside of you. Operant conditioning is very, very bad.


----------



## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

altaclara29 said:


> Firstly, I never said I "badgered" my husband about diet soda, I simply remind him usually via news periodical how damaging it can be for your health. I have never nagged, nor even harshly chided him about anything, ever, because I understand_* his incredibly delicate psyche can't handle a real conversation.*_ He doesn't go away often, maybe a few times a year to visit his kids in another state. It's almost like I have 2 children, but one provides the income (because he convinced me to give up mine, which was all my rental properties that brought in around $200k a year, which, in hindsight, of course, was incredibly stupid, but he realizes I've invested a huge amount of $$$$$ from the sales of said properties.) As long as I keep things on a light fresh and easygoing level, things are fine. I have my own avenues for adult interaction, but the older I get the more _*I realize how women's voices are diminished by the needs of barbaric men *_and it's frustrating. Plus, his behavior is rubbing off on our son, so_* i have to have plenty of gentle conversations of how NOT to treat women*_ if you want them to love you back.


OK I give up. What you are teaching your son is that he is worthless and that women will treat him with contempt, as long as he brings home a paycheck. Good luck with that.


----------



## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Repost here what you posted in the thread by VSGlen. It will help others to understand. It helped me and I'm thick.


----------



## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

Have you considered that rather than him lacking respect for your wishes in regards to selfies, you are in fact lacking respect for his? You're denying him something he's asked for, then getting offended that he doesn't respect your wishes. Slightly hypocritical wouldn't you say?



> if you take one photo, then he wants 10. and, then, he wants them every day. the more you do the more he wants. it's just his thing, which has turned into my thing, which has made everything not fun. i've asked, pretty much, all my friends this question and not one has shown any interest in participating in naked selfies for husbands pleasure.


So, you consider it a bad thing that he can't get enough of you? You would prefer if he couldn't care less about you sexually? And of what consequence are your friends opinions on the matter? Their responsibility is to serve their husband, not yours. Your friends sound rather unwholesome, if they in fact encouraged you to refuse doing something for your husband, just because they don't think it's important. It's important to your husband, so if you care about him, it should also be important to you.

Your husband may have problems, but from what I'm hearing, so do you. It sounds to me as though you guys don't communicate intimately very well, if at all. Which needs to be fixed at all costs. 

And as for him looking at pictures of you from years back, or even last year, let me ask you a question. When you're longing to see someone, say your parents, a best friend, etc., why not just look at an old picture of them?

But, I think that all these issues stem from both of you succumbing to selfishness. As long as you both continue to pursue your own agenda and desires at the expense of the other, things will keep going downhill.


----------



## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

If you are not comfortable with this I would not do it anymore. I too would not be comfortable with this and I would wonder why he had to have more. I also would not be comfortable with his possession of your pics. Is he the type that share the pics bragging to friends? Would he use the pics against you if things don't work out?

Do you feel like he can't get enough? Do you think maybe it's not just you he is wanting naked pics of? You think he might have a porn addiction?


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

altaclara29 said:


> Firstly, I never said I "badgered" my husband about diet soda, I simply remind him usually via news periodical how damaging it can be for your health. I have never nagged, nor even harshly chided him about anything, ever, because I understand_* his incredibly delicate psyche can't handle a real conversation.*_ He doesn't go away often, maybe a few times a year to visit his kids in another state. It's almost like I have 2 children, but one provides the income (because he convinced me to give up mine, which was all my rental properties that brought in around $200k a year, which, in hindsight, of course, was incredibly stupid, but he realizes I've invested a huge amount of $$$$$ from the sales of said properties.) As long as I keep things on a light fresh and easygoing level, things are fine. I have my own avenues for adult interaction, but the older I get the more _*I realize how women's voices are diminished by the needs of barbaric men *_and it's frustrating. Plus, his behavior is rubbing off on our son, so_* i have to have plenty of gentle conversations of how NOT to treat women*_ if you want them to love you back.


Like the above poster, I too am put off by your comments because you have a son.. is this what what you are teaching your son about being a man?

I'm sorry that you have some bad experiences with your husband. But as the the poster above has pointed out, your view of men in general seems very distorted.. sort of sick really. 

A large portion of the posters trying to help you here are men. I don't think that insulting them is going to go over well. Sexist statements that paint half the human race this way are not productive and will not go well for you here on TAM.

There are good men and women on this earth. There are also some number of lousy men and women on this earth. One of the first things to learn is that we should take people as individuals who are who they are all on their own. 

Men are as capable of loving as women are. Many men treat women well.


----------



## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

Mr. Nail said:


> OK I give up. What you are teaching your son is that he is worthless and that women will treat him with contempt, as long as he brings home a paycheck. Good luck with that.


yes I agree.

First, I don't like the term 'sexual harassment' in marriage. It sounds too much like a work relationship and not a marital one. It would be more appropriate to talk about boundaries and incompatibilities IMO.

Secondly, I feel the OP's comments which you highlighted shows me that she has some animosities towards men. The comments to me are unacceptable. General statements against either gender like she made are inappropriate IMO and her trying to drive it home to her son is not ethical


----------



## jdesey (Dec 6, 2015)

He should just accept it and drop it. In my case my gal just doesn't like me to give her oral. Although she loves giving it to me. She thinks her Ginny is ugly. So I finally just gave up on it. Yes I love to do that, but she's uncomfortable with it. 
Your husband is being selfish


----------



## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

Go to Google and search "amateur nude". That will give you an idea where these pics end up.


----------



## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

altaclara29 said:


> Feeling sexually harassed
> Is it sexual harassment when your husband constantly badgers you to take naked or scantily dressed selfie's when he's out of town? and, you let him know you're not comfortable with that? I've taken a number of selffees for him over the years that he could look at now, but he always seems to want something new. Plus I think it's a little disgusting. I also think it's a lack of respect on his part when I've expressed how I feel and he disregards it. So I'm curious how many people here feel comfortable taking naked selfie's of themselves for their spouses? And if you aren't comfortable how do you tell your husband without him having a snit fit. I don't nag my husband about anything other then, perhaps, drinking too much diet soda occasionally. Especially when his medical tests come back with health issues. Pardon any typos or misspelled words, I'm using Siri on my phone.


I don't ask my wife to send me naked salfies, but I do ask her to send me selfies when she is dressed nicely (like in work clothes), and she still does not send them claiming to be "busy". So I guess it is an ego boost for women if their husbands want to see them naked? Not sure, but I think it is many times.

However, what I am worried about is the possibility that he may be uploading it somewhere or showing it to friends. Men may do that once the "mental connection" with their woman breaks and they no longer feel protective and don't care if other men see them naked. Beware of that possibility.


----------



## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Does he use a lot of porn?



OT, I am always intrigued when people use the word "use" when they talk about porn.  It's like porn is a tool of some sort. People don't "use" movies or use songs, but they use porn!


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

nirvana said:


> OT, I am always intrigued when people use the word "use" when they talk about porn.  It's like porn is a tool of some sort. People don't "use" movies or use songs, but they use porn!


Yes, people generally 'use' porn to an end(ing).


----------



## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

altaclara29 said:


> Feeling sexually harassed
> Is it sexual harassment when your husband constantly badgers you to take naked or scantily dressed selfie's when he's out of town? and, you let him know you're not comfortable with that? I've taken a number of selffees for him over the years that he could look at now, but he always seems to want something new. Plus I think it's a little disgusting. I also think it's a lack of respect on his part when I've expressed how I feel and he disregards it. So I'm curious how many people here feel comfortable taking naked selfie's of themselves for their spouses? And if you aren't comfortable how do you tell your husband without him having a snit fit. I don't nag my husband about anything other then, perhaps, drinking too much diet soda occasionally. Especially when his medical tests come back with health issues. Pardon any typos or misspelled words, I'm using Siri on my phone.


The easiest thing to do is to keep your response short and sweet.

If he asks, say this:

"No, I do not like taking naked pictures for you."

He will get upset. He will try to reason with you. He will possibly try to give grief or pull back from something that he used to do for you. If you give in, you feed the behavior. At some point you have to respect yourself enough to simply tell him the truth. It is okay for him to get mad. Try not to take it personally, and this will work far better.


----------



## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

If you don't want to take these pictures, simply refuse. His reaction is not your responsibility. 

It's pretty clear you have little (if any) respect for your husband. Has it always been this way? Are you looking to improve the relationship, or do you just want him to shut up?


----------



## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

nirvana said:


> OT, I am always intrigued when people use the word "use" when they talk about porn.  It's like porn is a tool of some sort. People don't "use" movies or use songs, but they use porn!


Some people equate porn to drugs.


----------



## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Yes, I do feel the same way you do about this. Naked pictures can always end up in the wrong hands or viewed by someone who was never intented to see them. I would tell him you're not going to do it anymore.


----------

