# Should married couples have secrets.



## Ele_D (Mar 6, 2008)

Seenario: There is a married couple, the wife's/husband's friend confides in him/her and tells him/her a secret. The husband/wife finds out that the friend confided in their partner and asks what the friend told their partner. Should the spouse keep the secret or should they tell their partner?

In my opinion there should be full disclosure in marriage, no secrets.

My friend believes that she shpuld protect her friend's trust and not tell her husband.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Your friend is right. Although you shouldn't keep things from your spouse per se what if they worked for the CIA or a civilian contractor should they tell you military secrets they know? No they are better to keep it a secret.

draconis


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## reddevilmary (Mar 3, 2008)

It is a dangerous path to protect secrets from friends over the well-being of a marriage.


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## Maxie (Mar 9, 2008)

I don't think a married couple should keep secrets from each other if it concerns them as a couple. But I would never betray a friends confidence about something that concerns only them and not my spouse. Ask your spouse why do they want to know? Are they truly concerned about your friend? Or are they just being nosy? If they are just being nosy then no you should not tell your friends secret, being married to someone doesn't mean you have an obligation to feed them gossip. If you feel the need to tell your spouse everything then you should forewarn your friend before they confide in you that you will be telling your spouse, if your friend trusts you with a secret they have a right to know that you won't be keeping it. Then at least you have been honest with your friend, and they can decide if they want your spouse to know or not. To not warn your friend in advance is being dishonest and could put the friendship at risk. What if your spouse tells someone else and it gets back to your friend? Marriages are important relationships - but so are friendships.


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## Dixiemagnolia (Mar 15, 2008)

I am new to this site and boy! did I jump at this post. I thought it was just what I wanted to hear about. Wrong...well sorta. My question is about spouses having whole parts of there lives secret from the other. 

I don't think it is OK and I bet there are those of you out there who agree with me.

My husband is not the cheating sort of guy. With another woman anyway. He cheats on me with his hobby of collecting guns, his very right wing political life on forums dedicated to guns and his kids, especially his daughters. 

He orders/buys guns, ammunition, and gun paraphinalia without talking to me about it first or last or ever unless I happen to trip over the boxes and even though I have told him many, many times that it hurts me for him to separate me from his kids and have endevored for the whole length of or marriage to make him an intergrated part of my children's lives...and succeded, he still does both.

I am really tired of being third or fourth or fifth behind his kids and guns. 

HELP!


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## helena (Mar 3, 2008)

it is better for couples to really be transparent in this category, no secrets between each other. and there would be a better life too because you would know everything and anything about each other.


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## mollyL (Dec 31, 2007)

I have to come down on the side of telling your spouse. I tell my hubby everything, as he does with me. Of course I know my hubby will never divulge anything I ever tell him. Even though we may know other's secrets, the secret stops there.


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## Immortalone (Mar 5, 2008)

mollyL, let me get this straight for my own thoughts. A friend comes to you and tells you a secrect. They trust in you that you will tell no one. You turn around and tell your spouse but think that he will not tell anyone else. Why is that? You just broke your friends trust by telling your spouse. If you yourselfe can't be trusted then what makes your spouse so trust worthy? 

My self. I would not tell anyone. I would simply tell them hey, such and such told me this and asked me not to tell anyone. I need to keep his/her trust just like you want to trust me. Leave it at that.


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## lorip_curtiss (Apr 6, 2008)

you know I have been wondering the same thing. What if the secret you knew was about a mutual friend of mine and my husbands? Then should I tell him the secret, even if it may mean my friend would maybe never talk to me again.


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

I think alot depends on the friend and the secret.

As far as I know me and my wife share all information with each other, like our own little gossip circle.

But it also depends if my friend from HS told me a secrect and has no real bearing on my wife, no reason for me to tell her. If it was a mutual friend, then depending ont he secret....maybe.

It really is a judgement call, can that spouse keep or will they blab it to someone else???

Alot a variables here.


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## sweetp101 (Mar 13, 2008)

A secret is a secret. If someone asks you to keep a secret, do not tell. I have one really close friend. We have quite a few secrets. I would never want her to tell my secrets. And I know she would never want me to tell hers. 

My aunt always told me to 'never let your right hand know what the left one is doing.'


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## carmaenforcer (Mar 7, 2008)

This is a great question, for it weeds out the truly honest from those just getting by. 
Someone wrote that their Aunt had given them the advice, not to let your right hand know what the left is doing, this it truly sage advice for a long lasting relationship, till you are found to be a liar and never trusted again.

I am one of those truthful to a fault people and so am on the side of full disclosure. I however see the appeal and benefits of lying. Many an occasion could I have saved myself a tun of grief if I only were to have lied. 
Sometimes I guess you just don't have a choice, I also am going to have to resort to lying soon in my relationship, when I cheat on my Wife for neglecting me sexually. I did warn her ahead of time that this would be a consequence of her not taking care of my needs and so I am half justified but I doubt this would matter much to her, so I will simply have to become a liar as well as a cheat, unfortunately. In for a penny in for a pound, right...

Can we say, slippery slope!!!


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## onthego (Apr 10, 2008)

Quite simply put, NO.

By talking to others first about your issues instead of the person involved, you will continue to erode the safety and trust in your relationship. By talking to others about your issues instead of the person your conflict is with, you could be playing the role of the victim or martyr.


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## onthego (Apr 10, 2008)

Another point to ponder:

Believe it or not, you may actually be enjoying the sympathy and attention from other people that you are getting from complaining about the situation with your partner.


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