# 3 years of marriage- husband's 2 emotional affairs and 1 one-night stand



## Healing&Praying (Jul 6, 2010)

I am such a private person so posting this is awkward. I have been married for three years to the man I dated for ten years prior to marriage. He was my first love, first boyfriend, and I was a virgin when we married, in which he told me he was too. This past December I discovered (by way of noticing excessive text messages on the phone records that I had never looked at before) my husband was engaging in an emotinal affair with an old girlfriend that he had reconnected with on facebook- it started as an innocent "hey how have you been" thing and then becam deeper. When I found out I was crushed...I was 7 months pregnant. I made it clear that I was willing to work things out but he became so distant. 

Months later I learned of another emotinal affair that occurred AFTER I found out about the first one, but this one was much less emotional. Crushed, yet again, I was willing to work things out, but my husband was still distant like he was keeping something within. He couldn't hug me or kiss me, barely could look at me, and had minimal conversation with me.

One night he told me he would answer any question truthfully. I asked if he had sex with anyone during our marriage and even before (since we dated so long and he told me he was a virgin as well). Well he confessed to two sex partners in college, one of which was during our relationship, and he had a one night stand while I was pregnant at a party that was on the night of an event that I had begged him to attend with me. So this makes a one night stand and two emotional affairs all within my 9 month pregnancy (my child is now 5 months old). My soul, my spirit, my world was crushed. I immdiately began working on divorce papers because I ha no more hope.

Once it became real to my husband that I was walking away he snapped out of his stuper and has apologized, begged for forgiveness, begged me not to file the divorce papers, and now actually acts like he loves AND likes me. 

I am now in an emotional limbo. I feel happy that he now wants our marriage to work along with me, but I feel so much pain that at times it became physical pain. I feel like an idiot. I saved myself for this man who has lied to me so much, and though he loves me, I fear that thats not enough. I close my eyes and envision him with these other people. I am an emotional wreck and having an infant seems to magnify it because I feel that he has violated our child since this happened during pregnancy and played out even after our child was born.

I am afraid that one day he will say "never mind" and walk away. I am afraud that he will not be able to handle my loss of trust in him and how ever long it may take to regain it. I guess I am saying that I believe that I can heal and get past this but am afraid of the process. I keep telling myself that to get past the fear I have to just go through this- I just wish I could get some gurantee that I will not go through this again.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I wish I could give you a guarentee, but there isn't one. If there was I would give it to everyone here that has had to go through this, myself included. 

First I wonder if talking to a counselor by yourself to figure out what you want is possible? They can help you clear your thoughts and think things through and get to what you really want. 

The next thing you would need are your boundaries. Passwords to email accts, facebook, access to his phone and records, etc so you know what he is doing. Then obviously you would need a good marriage counselor to help get you to work through and on the issues that are going on. 

Everyone here has given me wonderful advice when they say not to jump to a decision too soon. Take your time and find out what you want, there is no schedule to this kind of stuff. Best of luck honey and hopefully someone here can chime in with more advice.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Confession time for me HP. I too had a one night stand soon after we were married, not too dissimilar circumstances to you and your husband and my wife did find out about it. I think it something to do with gaining experience, being attached at too young an age or whatever. It is so very wrong.

I know why I stopped. I was so afraid of passing on an infection to my wife and knew I’d never be able to forgive myself if I did. I went the next nearly 40 years with my wife and never again went outside our relationship.

I was to find out a few years later that my wife had an affair. That got put behind us as well.

Your husband has been honest and transparent with you, not much more you can ask than that. If you still have love for him then weather the storm for a bit. Make it time limited. Give it say 3 or 6 months and see how you feel about things then.

Bob


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