# New Wife In The Fog



## YPbPr (Apr 23, 2012)

I discovered this website over the weekend and thought it might help my marriage. I was wed at the beginning of the year after a three year courtship. We are both mid-30's. This is my first marriage and her second. Her first marriage lasted about three years and she had a few more years of single/dating/relationships before meeting me. When we met she was in a souring relationship of about year. I guess I seemed new and exciting. We spent time together via a mutual friend, hung out in public settings, and talked a lot. I made a pass after I very fun night with her (maybe our 2nd or 3rd encounter) which she rebuffed saying she couldn't let it go there or else what would I think of her? Soon she left her boyfriend, we started dating, and we moved in together. Quickly, perhaps after 3-4 months of dating.

Throughout our relationship, my wife and I have had repeated communication patterns — mostly my fault. The cliche, immature, man-boy stuff: I hear and don't listen, it takes me forever to do something, I think with myself first and her second, I shutdown when serious matters occur, I'm a bit flighty and lack direction at times with an air of uncertainty. I'm very carefree and have a tremendous positive outlook on life. If I'm a feather blowing in wind, about to be grounded, I know there will be another gust of air to take me where I need to be. She's all work, business, strategy, game-plan, logic, security. The perfect match? No. But, we loved each other. 

I've recently been reading "Good Husband, Great Marriage" and it's been an eye-opener. I'm coming to terms with my own failures and putting her first. Perhaps too little too late...

About a month into the marriage we had a disagreement that my wife contends "flipped the switch." Meaning, she had enough. Bear in mind, I'm really trying to look beyond our marriage time and chalk things up to 3 years... Not months. 

Unfortunately, I didn't know this or feel this from her at the time. We worked through the fight and I thought things were looking up. It took until about late-March for me to realize that things were changing. It was the increased activity with work: more meetings, more client dinners, staying late, etc. After all, she just got a major promotion. 

In the beginning of April, she stayed out very late in a neighboring city. A place she always tried to stay away from. In fact, client dinners and work nights were other items she always tried to get out off. Now, I guess, it comes with the turf. She showed little communication (almost not texting, no calls, updates, etc) all night and came home very, very late (for her). I was already asleep but she woke me up to say she was sorry — about 30 times. I kinda felt something was up even though she was apologizing for "working."

I starting taking notice: new clothes, a new hair appointments, increased work meetings, dodgy answers to simple work/location questions. It wasn't adding up. I decided to dig into her e-mails (keylogger). I almost made it out of an hour of research thinking I was over-reacting until I started finding EA-type e-mails with her new client. Ugh! 

I immediately got it. She was looking to fulfill her needs outside of the relationship. Of course, I thought back to our own meeting and felt good about a PA not occuring. Not to say the EA doesn't hurt but I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt. That was until I saw some salacious correspondence with crazy innuendo. On the surface, I thought they had a PA but after looking at it with some lawyer and cop buddies they felt otherwise. Perhaps, it was just a mid-day lunch; however, there note mentioned how excited she was to see him the next week. 

From here, I started pressing more. Without acknowledging the e-mails, I talked about how things weren't adding up. I felt as though something was going on. She told me she was going to be honest and that, yes, her guard is down and she having feeling for someone else. She added that maybe she should spend the weekend alone (she also mumbled about getting a furnished apartment). Very painful stuff to hear. Oh, and by the way, I have plans to work late next week.

She stated all of that in the morning last week and I saw some therapists and really dug into my book. Upon her return home, I said I was willing to do whatever it takes to get this marriage right. She was receptive. I said we would need to get into MC (she had been to her therapist once already). She said yes. I asked she not leave for the weekend. She obliged. Further, she said she wasn't going to to work late next week.

I was elated. I really felt this was the moment we would start working from. Naive? The first day was great. The second day was OK. Now, three days from that moment, she doesn't want to go to MC, she's uncertain if she can really do it, she needs more time, etc. 

That's a lot for a first post and I'm sure you've all seen this before. The potential DDay (if hasn't happened already) is late this week. My strategy is give her the benefit of the doubt, keep improving myself, and be the man she wants. If she needs more space I'll give it but if she positions herself for the DDay (that is, I see it coming), I'm thinking about applying the 180. An NC is going to be very difficult in this situation given the business relationship. This is a client that means BIG business for her firm.


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## Traggy (Jan 26, 2012)

The more you try here, the more you are going to push her away. Groveling, begging, pleading, etc. are very unattractive to women, especially women that have checked out in a EA/PA with someone else.

Her emotional needs are being met by someone other than you. You are losing and the more you try, the further and further you are going to push her away.

Do the 180 now and stick to it


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

> Perhaps too little too late...


It is entirely possible that it IS too late. All you can do is your best; perhaps the 180 is the best avenue.

May I respectfully suggest that you look at this from HER perspective as well? 


> We are both mid-30's...mostly my fault...immature, man-boy stuff...I'm very carefree...She's all work, business, strategy, game-plan, logic, security


Perhaps after 3 years of being the 'parent' in this relationship, she decided she wanted a partner. By the mid-30s, I would think most people are beyond the 'playing' stage and ready to settle down and get serious about career, marriage, family. 

You BOTH have ownership in this. YOU acted like an immature boy. SHE knew how you were and married you anyway. SHE had an affair. In the last couple of weeks, YOU have now gotten 'religion' (so to speak) by reading a book and want another chance. SHE may be unwilling to let go of 3 years of disappointment in having to be the parent because you NOW want to man-up. Expecting her to say 'okay, one more time because THIS TIME you're on board' is not very realistic.

Not saying you're wrong, just saying that it may, indeed, be too late with your wife. If so, continue to learn/grow so you don't make the same mistake twice. Ditto for your wife.


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## YPbPr (Apr 23, 2012)

Traggy said:


> The more you try here, the more you are going to push her away. Groveling, begging, pleading, etc. are very unattractive to women, especially women that have checked out in a EA/PA with someone else.
> 
> Her emotional needs are being met by someone other than you. You are losing and the more you try, the further and further you are going to push her away.
> 
> Do the 180 now and stick to it


I agree. I just hate hearing it  



SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> It is entirely possible that it IS too late. All you can do is your best; perhaps the 180 is the best avenue.
> 
> May I respectfully suggest that you look at this from HER perspective as well?
> 
> ...


Fair points. Thank you. You didn't seem confident about the 180 though.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

She was in a relationship when she met you.

Now she has met someone else.

See a pattern?


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

Eek bet she's still in a relationship with this guy..I don't know..Seems like you're making this too easy for her
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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