# Husband just moved back home



## myelw316

I thought I would post a reconciliation (though VERY beginning of it) story here, because when my H moved out, all I wanted was to read hope about other people working through this.

Here goes:

Our issues: financial problems, I was overly critical, he called an exgirlfriend out of depression, Emotional Affair started 8/22/11.

Found out about EA early September

H moved out Oct 4th (day before his 39th birthday and also the same week his work-partner/wife left for a paid for company trip that my husband didn't earn, b/c of bad year at work)

He was done.
Done done done.

I begged. Pleaded. Wrote emails, letters, cried. I wouldn't beat yourself up if you do this....I think for MY husband it's good that this happened, because he didn't think I loved him. (In fits of anger I have said 'I want a divorce' over the 18 years together....NEVER will EVER do that again!!)

He moved in to a bedroom at his mom's house about a mile away. No physical proximaty contact with the EA from 8/22/11 until 12/30/11. She lives 12 hours away. 

We dated off and on. He came on weekends for the kids to visit. It was all weird. Sometimes he'd act interested in me, sometimes not. 

All the while I kept believing we would work it out. I knew we would. Looked for hope and only focused on us getting together. 

Often in the face of him directly saying No, I want a divorce. I will 'always have love for you' (kind of 'but not in love with you'). I see no future with us. I see no reconciling. Doesn't matter....I did NOT believe it. I knew he was in a midlife crisis fog, knew he felt like a failure as a provider and there was nothing I could say (I tried it ALL) to help him feel better about him and make sure he knew I loved him no matter what. He only heard it from her.
I tried no contact. Ultimately it both hurt and helped. It made him convinced he would not be with me and made him see her sooner, BUT that being said, that needed to happen so he could make the fantasy world and reality world collide. 

Reality won.

I must say....you do get low. Very low. Just when you think you can't feel worse, you do feel worse. I had one lady I found with a similar circumstance on here and she was literally a lifeline to me. I would read and reread what her situation was, take the similar things in mine and hold onto hope....helped me through the bad days to focus on a better future. 
New Years Eve I did NOT spend with my H. He was with her. That was REALLY bad. The lowest was right after midnight sitting on our couch...kids went upstairs and I thought to myself...this is it. He is gone, he's with her. If he had wanted to be with me, he would have come straight back (He had driven halfway to see her on the 30th, so he could have come back for the 31st). 

I told myself the ONLY possible way this could end up well for he and I is if he is MISERABLE without me right now. It was the lowest night of my life. He had emailed me earlier at 6:38pm, that things with that situation weren't 'past the point of no return' (meaning no sex) and he missed me and the kids and he would miss us that night.

Didn't matter. I was so hurt at midnight I just didn't care. I really didn't. The next day at 3:30 I got a few texts from him saying it wasn't as easy to leave everything behind as he thought. He left at about midnight from being with her and drove straight home.
He doesn't want to discuss the situation there yet, and as of now, I am fine with that. I think we both need to be in a more secure place with each other to talk about that. 

If you are committed to your marriage and want to work it out, you need to come to a peace inside of yourself that what happens is each person's OWN journey. That is what I realized. My husband got to the place of he wanted to be with me and our life and whatever it took to get there was NOT ideal. It was painful.

Good things DID come out of it.

1. My house was basically nice, but our bedroom looked like an episode of hoarders! I cleaned it.

2. I was overweight still. Lost the weight.

3. 18 1/2 years with my H...we were dependent on each other TOO much. Got some independence.

4. I stayed at home to raise our kids. 4 of them:16, 14, 10 ...and 2! We were struggling financially. I started babysitting, selling on Ebay, selling some things at consignment stores.
You have to take care of the daily stuff and your kids and yourself. 

Make changes for the better. Something got you to where you were....use it. Either way things had changed, so I decided that during my 'good' moments I would come up with a plan.
I listened a LOT to upbeat music. 

That song by Andy Grammer "keep your head up" was on a CONSTANT loop. Also 'Brighter Than the Sun' by Colbie Caillat. 'Good Life' by OneRepublic. Whatever music works. 

I also read some books that helped. 

1. The Bible (which I know is touchy to bring up to some people, and I was not overly religious, but I did find it helpful, so thought I'd throw it out there. Esp. one passage somewhere in Ecc. which says 'this battle is not yours to fight, take your position, stand still and let God fight it for you'. That helped me because I wanted to control the outcome, and boy do you realize REALLY fast you can NOT control this situation. I handed it over to God, and learned some patience. A LOT of patience.
2. Also someone game me a Deepok Chopra book called Spontaneous Fulfillment of Desire which was good. 
3. And a Wayne Dyer book called 'There is a Spiritual Solution to Every Problem' and 
4. a book called The Divorce Remedy (can't remember the author).
Doesn't matter what books, but I'd go check out that self-help section!!!

This website.

Realizing you can't read your spouse's mind, so don't assume you know what is going on in that fog. My mother was able to know my H's thoughts better than ME!!! And I've lived with him for 18 1/2 years! But he and I think differently and I would 'decide' he must be thinking 'xyz' and my mom would suggest all these other possibilities.
She was correct WAY more often than me!

Keep your head up, whoever you are 
There is hope. 
Find your own happiness and joy and find hopeful stories and read the good helpful stuff listen to helpful stuff and walk through this bad time. You WILL come out of it one way or the other!!


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## Freak On a Leash

Wall of Text!  Paragraphs..WTB paragraphs!


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## myelw316

Sorry. Fixed it! LOL I just got on a roll!!


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## sadwithouthim

Thank you so much for the inspiration. I wish you the best.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Meatpuppet

Great story! I pray all ends up well for you and your family. 

Hope my story has a similar ending...

Keep us posted as to what happens. Stories like yours give us all hope...and God knows we need it.


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## dumbfounded2

Sounds very similar to mine and my H's issues. H is suffering through MLC and has been in a fog for past 1 1/2 years. He has been out of home a year yesterday, but has recently started reconnecting a bit. I have never believed his I love u but I don't speech and he has recanted that in the past 3 months...he began drinking but has no OW. Work is his mistress..I am at a point that I think it would be best if I withdrew and distanced myself..hoping maybe reality of this situation will become clear to him..up until now it has been all "my fault" (controlling him, running the house, undermining his authority with kids). Some of his complaints have merit and I have addressed them all during this journey. He has noticed, but seems to be hesitant to do anything about it.


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## HopefulWife2012

myelw316:

I am separated a little over a month now. My husband left me Dec. 27. Our 5 year wedding anniversary was Jan. 1.

I have tried to stay positive. Deep down I DO feel that we will be back together, but on the surface at the moment it is a really bad day. He told me earlier today that he has an appointment to file for divorce tomorrow.

We have been talking to each other the whole time he has been gone. We have also been intimate on three different occasions. He is back and forth as far as us constantly. He is a Christian man....I say that to you because you mentioned the Bible....and I truly believe he carries an overwhelming amount of guilt because of what he is doing. He has been physically sick for the last two weeks. One of those weeks he could not work. He was SICK. When he does work....it is 12-14 hours a day so he can forget about his life.

There are some very deep rooted issues with him that have let him to a faith based counselor....which I was happy to hear - at first. He told me this pastor told him to cut me off completely, that we weren't good for each other, to stop supporting me financially in any way......what? My husband just left me with bills that I can't afford and now he is supposed to just dump me ALL the way off? This man either cannot be a pastor, or my husband has told him only negative things......in any case. I am a mess today. 

I am moving 2 hours away. I decided this because I thought he needed some time and space to see if he really did want to be away from me. It is far enough away that being spontaneous would not work, but that we can still see each other if we would want to. Honestly, I need to be away from him as well. It is killing me to know he is just across town.

So, he misses me, he loves me.........and he wants a divorce. I am a mess. 

I wrote him a long email telling him how I have felt during our marriage. It was very honest, and also very loving. I still maintain the fact that I am called to be his wife....I still need to honor him, our marriage....and God. By no means am I a conservative Bible thumper....I am not...I have PLENTY of flaws. So during all of this, I have been kind, loving, etc. Maybe that has been my problem, I don't know. 

I am trying not to cry at the moment. I have done so much of that today my head is pounding. I haven't begged him or pleated with him.....I am absolutely positive he knows how much I love him......I am just.......waiting......and it is killing me.

Your last paragraph starting with "keep your head up. Whoever you are" made me break down. I don't know you, but I know you have felt this pain......and I want to thank you for those words. You have no idea how much they mean to me right now.


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## dumbfounded2

Do keep your head up and believe in your committment to your marriage. I have learned that men most often complain about 3 different areas in regards to their wives: 1. Weight gain 2. Too clingy (no new ideas) 3. Nagging Work on these areas and be honest with yourself. You are not a physical part of your husband even though we wives tend to want to be under their skin. Men don't work this way. They need their space and it is not a reflection of their love for us (we just interpret it that way). You are at a milestone year in your marriage; about every 5 years, your husband will reevaluate where he is and if he feels successful. This is very important; If he can't make you happy, he will feel defeated. He needs reassurance and constant complimenting (like a child learning new skills). I know this sounds silly, but if you learn this early, you will be miles ahead in your marriage. Anybody that knocks this approach will also struggle in their relationships. Men are not women and never will relate like we think they should. In fact if they did, we would not want them. Stay positive and still while the Lord works on this issue. Let the storm blow around you and he will (in time) approach you (it just will not be on your time). Do not allow intimacy between you until you resolve your marriage issues. This complicates things even though it makes you feel safe at the time. Men dont work that way. It is a physical release for them. Stay strong and work on the things you can change.


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## HopefulWife2012

I know my husband very well, if I push him, he just gets further away......I don't do that. 

I don't nag him, I am a bodybuilder, so the weight gain thing isn't there and he has always told me he wishes I would pay MORE attention to him.....so, none of that applies in my case.....and I am also moving to Phoenix, which is two hours away so the space things doesn't apply either.

HE left ME, I will not stroke his ego. I have been ignoring my own feelings throughout the whole marriage so that I could be there for him. I love him with everything in me and he knows that. 

I know not everyone has the same beliefs, but I am trying to let God work in our relationship. We have 3 very good friends who are either pastors or went to a Christian college with my husband. They area all urging him to stay and fight for his marriage. I - obviously - am right there with them. He goes to them, they give him answers. Right now, he just doesn't like the answers he is getting. My husband won't be able to deal with the guilt forever. I know him. He does have some serious issues to work through for himself without my interference though, and I have every intention of stepping back so he can do that. If it helps him feel better and work through trauma that has never been dealt with.....most definitely.

I will continue to fight for us.....even if he DID say he is going to file today. It can still change AFTER filing so I just need to shake off the pity and WORK. After all, that's what marriage is.......work.

Thank you for your kind words, I appreciate them greatly.


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