# At a crossroads in my marriage....and I have do not know what to do...



## Jayz (Jun 27, 2009)

*At a crossroads in my marriage....and I do not know what to do...*

I'm really glad to have found this forum. It is nice to have a place where I can talk so openly about my situation with some anonymity and be completely honest. Because in my real life, I certainly cannot.

I am really at a crossroads in my life right now in regards to my marriage and I don't know what to do.

I am 25 and have been married to my husband for 6 years. We got married so young. Although I did date quite a bit before we met, he was my first serious relationship. 
We have two small children together. And over the past 6 years of our marriage, we have had our issues just like any marriage, I suppose. Nothing big, though, and overall I would say that we've been pretty happy thus far, I guess. There have been times I have considered leaving him. Our relationship seems to mimic a roller coaster in that we go through phases of being really happy, then phases of hating each other and threatening divorce every breath. Mostly my problem with him is that he is very controlling and insecure. He goes out with his friends drinking a lot, but goes balistic if I ever mention wanting to go out with my friends. He gripes about money constantly. It seems he has turned into this sour person who never wants to have fun or laugh anymore. And that is so NOT me. I love to laugh. I love to joke and have fun. I love to be spontaneous and adventurous.

And he used to be that way. But he's let himself become this person that I just honestly don't want to be around anymore. There is no spark between us anymore, no passion, no fun. Nothing. We live like roomates. We do not even sleep in the same bed anymore. He would rather be out drinking with his friends than at home with me and our children. 
I have found text messages in his phone from another girl and when I question him about them, he gets really defensive and upset, which makes me highly suspicious.

For the past few months I feel like I am constantly walking on eggshells around him. I don't talk to him, because I never know how he will mis-interpret what I mean or turn it into an argument of some sort. I feel like I cannot be myself around him anymore. Like I have to put up a front of this person that he WANTS me to be...but that is NOT who I really am. Just so I will not piss him off and us end up in another argument. It is exhausting. 

Back at the beginning of the year, He took a job that required him to be gone out of town a lot, sometimes for weeks at a time. As bad as it sounds, him being gone so much working doesn't bother me at all. I feel much more relaxed and less stressed when he is gone. 

During the times that he has been gone, I have met someone online. It started out as just friendly chatter. He lives a couple hours away. We started joking about meeting up. Then the joking turned into serious consideration.....then turned into actually planning to meet....then turned into actually meeting one night. 

I knew it wasn't a good idea to meet him but in my mind I told myself that it was JUST meeting and nothing would happen because honestly I wasn't really even that attracted to him from what I had seen over webcam.
But then when I saw him in person, it was so different. He was so charming, and everything I find attractive about a man. We kissed that night and it would have probably went further, but ultimately I just couldn't do it and I walked away.

I kept thinking the guilt would set in any minute. But it didn't. It was the opposite. I wanted to meet him again and was excited over him.

A couple of weeks later, we met again. This time we ended up having sex. It was....amazing. We talk pretty much every day. He tells me he has strong feelings for me, and of course, I do for him as well. He's great. He's wonderful.

BUT.....he is married as well. What a situation, I know. 
I never thought I would get myself in a situation like this. At the time I met him, I was not looking to meet someone. In fact, I was the type that said I would NEVER cheat and that cheaters were horrible. But it just happened before I realized what was happening.

So now I am in the midst of this....affair...with a man who is also married....and it's a very difficult situation because I do have strong feelings for him. . He says he does for me as well. Ultimately I know in my mind that there really is no good way for this to end.

Do I want a divorce? I don't know. I know that I do not feel happy with my husband anymore. I feel there is nothing between us and that I have fallen out of love with him....even before meeting this other man. Plus we have children together, which of course complicates it that much more.
And then even if we do end up divorcing.....do I really expect this other man to leave his wife for me? I don't know for sure that he would. Heck, I do not even know him well enough to make a judgement call on whether he would or not.

It's such a hard situation. However, it's at a point right now where no one has been hurt yet....our spouses have no clue what is going on. We could end this right now and go our separate ways and continue on in our marriages and try to make them work out and they would never know about the affair we had.
But when I think of doing that.....oh man...I do not want to let him go. I do not want to end it. He is amazing and I haven't felt this way about someone.....ever.

And even if I do end it and attempt to work on my marriage....will I ever be happy with him again? I just feel so much that there is NOTHING between us anymore. We are two totally different people now. He doesn't understand me, and I do not understand him. We want different things out of life. We think differently. Am I supposed to spend the rest of my life walking on eggshells around him?

And I have already spoken to him in the past about going to counseling and he adamantly refuses to go. I doubt I could convince him, no matter what kind of ultimatum I gave him.

I just don't know what is the right thing to do. Please do not automatically judge me for the affair.  I know what some of you are probably thinking, because I used to think that about people too who had affairs. 
I just really need some guidance right now, some BTDT advice, maybe...something. 

Thank you for reading and I am sorry it got so long.....


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

People have affairs because they are not getting something at home that they find elsewhere.

I'm not condoning an A...but we are simply human with all the frailties and weaknesses that entails. 

It's time to make a decision. Do you want to stay in a marriage that isn't satisfying you? Or seek your happiness elsewhere. But NOT with a married man! He is having his cake and eating it too.


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## chenay83 (Jun 25, 2009)

Hi Jayz, it seems like you two got married before you had a chance to grow up and find yourselves. If you don't know who you are as a person it's kind of to know what you need in a partner. Sounds like neither one of you are happy it might be time to sit down and talk about going your separate ways. And by the way, leave the married man alone. Are you into him because of who he is, or because he offers excitement? Think about that.


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## SFladybug (May 25, 2009)

Whew - 

All I can say girl, is I have been there. I married young and then each of us stepped out one the other one. We stayed together anyway and fought through a lot of sh*t. We have been married for a long time and there are many times I wonder what my life would have been like if we had parted. There is a reason that one of the "outs" for a marriage is adultery. It REALLY AFFECTS both of you. Even if your respective spouses don't know, they KNOW. 

For your own sanity. STOP the affair now. Most stats show that even if it is the most wonderful relationship you can imagine, when faced the reality of hurting others (your kids for example) and living in real life, the bubbly exuberance of an affair does not last. So, you should stop the relationship (hard as I know it will be) and give your marriage a chance...but think about what you feel. Ask your husband whether he wants to be in the marriage and what he is willing to do to keep the marriage alive. If you can't find reasons to stay, then it's time to work out a separation/divorce that puts the least amount of stress on the kids. Staying involved with the other guy will keep YOU stuck longer. Clearing up the baggage with your husband will free you sooner (in whatever way that may mean). My heart is with you. I am writing here because I miss an old friend very much, so this forum is like my methadone.


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## recent_cloud (Apr 18, 2009)

you say you don't know what the right thing to do is, but really you do.

you just don't want to do the right thing.

and as you really already know, your husband is having an affair as well.

both of you have turned outside of your marriage for answers, excitement, relief, passion, whatever.

when it comes to married women who are emotionally vulnerable and succumb to a man who is charming, attentive, says the right things, you are legion.

and when it comes to a husband who enjoys the innapropriate attention of a woman who offers responsibility free sexual excitement, your husband is legion.

in no way do i wish to judge you (we are all imperfect and forgiveness is a wonderful gift).

so i say you both need to grow up and face the real world, that is, each other, and figure this dilemma out.

because you both are emotionally attached to someone outside your marriage i don't offer much hope.

but, if the affairs stopped and you both decided to try emotional honesty with one another you have a chance.

butbutbut at this point that needs to happen in a counselor's office.

either way it's time to decide to be a responsible adult, if only so you can end your marriage with emotional dignity.


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## Jayz (Jun 27, 2009)

I really appreciate the responses so far. Thank you all.

Chenay83 - 


> Hi Jayz, it seems like you two got married before you had a chance to grow up and find yourselves. If you don't know who you are as a person it's kind of to know what you need in a partner. Sounds like neither one of you are happy it might be time to sit down and talk about going your separate ways. And by the way, leave the married man alone. Are you into him because of who he is, or because he offers excitement? Think about that.


Yes, you are right that we got married before we had a chance to grow up....that is so true. I had no idea who I was and no clue what being married was all about. 
As far as the other man....that is a good question. I am sure right now it is mostly the excitement and thrill that is drawing me in. Although, I do admit that he is an amazing guy....everything I find attractive in men...he is. But as far as really KNOWING him...I guess I really don't.

SFladybug - 

Wow.....you have no idea how much it helps to hear from someone who has BTDT. 
So....if you had it to do over....what would you have done? Would have have divorced your husband? Or are you glad you stayed together?? What would you do differently?

recent_cloud - 
I do not know for sure that my husband is having/has had an affair. But to be honest, I just don't ever think about it. The thought of him having an affair just doesn't cross my mind, ever. The only time I have ever thought about it is when I found those txt messages in his phone from that chick....who he claims is just a friend of a friend or whatever....and he got all defensive when I questioned him about it. Doesn't look real good on him, but I still never really thought he was having an affair........
Sure, it's a possibility....but do I really honestly believe he is? No, I don't. But then again, maybe I am just being really naive.
And maybe I am also being naive to believe that he knows nothing about my affair. I feel like I am hiding it well, but then again, what if he can sense something is different??


I do not know what will happen with the other guy....I try not to really think much beyond the next time we will meet up.
I know I need to end it with him now before someone gets hurt. I know I do. I hope I can find the courage to do so....



Anyway.....thank you again so much. And keep the replies coming...I can use all the advice I can get.


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## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

Please ...please think about what you are doing. I agree with recent cloud. My first husband cheated and I lied to myself about it....pretended to believe him when he denied he was. Someone in this relationship has to step up and be the adult. I can see you have plenty of reason to leave him....and it does sound like he is having an affair..... but ask yourself...if you are so unhappy with him....why are you staying? And this married man you are seeing....what about his wife. If he is cheating on her ....for any reason...then he would do it to you. He might be doing it to you anyway. And if he isn't.....why hasn't he left his wife? Yes we all make mistakes and forgiveness is divine....but doing something on purpose that is wrong when you have another option is dangerous. I wouldn't ever judge you...for some of us who haven't had an affair....most of us have at least fantasized about it.....finding someone to love us unconditionallly ...take us away from our nightmare. But it is dangerous....remember....spouses..especially controlling ones have been known to do crazy things when affairs are discovered. For your own safety and that of your children...please consider all the possible consequences to your actions. Love yourself. Good luck.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

I feel it would be better for you to divorce than live like you are with your feelings and continue to have affairs.
You married young and maybe outgrew each other but it sounds like he is resentful and does not want to be a husband.

Think about this, if you stay 20 years go by and your still going to be like this, maybe worse. I'd get a divorce, he seems to not want to be married anyway and that way you will be free to date and fiond someone your more compatible with.


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## SFladybug (May 25, 2009)

preso said:


> I feel it would be better for you to divorce than live like you are with your feelings and continue to have affairs.
> You married young and maybe outgrew each other but it sounds like he is resentful and does not want to be a husband.
> 
> Think about this, if you stay 20 years go by and your still going to be like this, maybe worse. I'd get a divorce, he seems to not want to be married anyway and that way you will be free to date and fiond someone your more compatible with.


I am not so sure I agree with Preso on this one. You asked if I would do it differently, if I could go back. I have thought about that a lot...not that it does any good since we can't go back, only forward. For what it's worth (and I do not really know your situation) staying a marriage after an affair is hell...butbutbut (as recent_cloud likes to say), there are ties that keep us together. 

If I had left during his affair, I would have felt like a failure (I was still only 21). If I had left after my affair, I don't think the other guy would have stayed in my life and I would have felt like a worse failure. I might have found someone else with whom I was more compatible, but I will never know that. So, I stayed. 

In staying with someone who you love but don't feel very loving towards, it's a bit like having a disease. You do things to try to see improvement and sometimes it works and in other times, the disease takes over. Yes, I could have changed my decision to stay during these past years, but then I either would not have had my two wonderful children or they would have had to grow up in a house dealing with divorce. 

Now, looking back, I feel closer to my husband than anyone else, but we still have major intimacy issues. So, there is NO WAY anyone else can tell you the best decision for you and your marriage. I just know that most people who go through a divorce regret it is some way and often find themselves dealing with the same issues in another relationship. It is the idea that I could actually grow by staying in this marriage and the hope that there is a reason marriage is described as a "gift" from God, that I have stayed through many years where I have been unhappy. Still, I am a hopeful pessimist. I hang on and learn to find enjoyment of my life where I can. Hope this helps a little bit.


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## ga72 (Jul 5, 2009)

Guess I'll chime in -- been reading a lot of posts today... my head hurts from it all. I think the hardest thing to do, but that most people tell you is to just tell the "other person" goodbye and work on your marriage. I'm in a similar situation, only we haven't "consumated" the A, so I guess just an EA. But I feel how you do -- so right for me -- but yep, he's married too. Both of us have had issues in our own marriages prior to connecting, and we have known each other for 15 years, so after being friends for so long, it just grew into this. Anyway, I'm rambling (likely because I'm sad, stressed, down, fill in the blank)... you have to know that if you tell him bye, you might not stick with it... and that's okay... as long as you keep trying to tell him bye and then one day, you will be able to do it and stay with the decision. I have a small child too and it does make it more difficult to leave the marriage... but I think you have to do what makes you happy... what you need to do is just figure out if you can be happy in the marriage (without thinking about the other guy) or if you will be unhappy in your marriage... and if that is the case, then maybe you need to separate/divorce... but do it knowing you won't be with the other person you have said bye too... because if you end your marriage FOR him, you will not be happy... you will feel like you didn't really try to fix your marriage, if he doesn't leave his, you may get resentful, etc... hope this helped somehow... though I'm thinking it might not have. Ha.


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