# This is actually happening



## Riptide

So where to start. Married 23 years , 3 kids with a 14 year old daughter that lives with me most of the time. I am a typical hard working, loyal Mr Nice Guys (not perfect of course but did not deserve this). Wife informed me that she was done with the marriage (to pursue another love interest) and she moved out several months ago. We moved her into an apartment where I have given her enough rental income to get by the next year while we sort out the separation and divorce proceedings. I plan on keeping the marital home and having my daughter stay with me during the week and visit the wife on weekends which has been the case so far.
Never though my marriage would fall apart so quickly and under these circumstances. She was the classic "grew up in a Christian home, seemingly had a strong moral compass. Met this OM at a church function of all places but I guess that type of thing can happen anywhere

Obviously the first month was hell (lost appetite, weight, trouble sleeping but slowly coming around and realizing that I could never take her back even if she did a 180 and changed her mind. 

Anyways just thought I would post and discuss with others that have gone through the same and what I can expect (emotionally and otherwise) over the next while. I have certainly gone from disbelief, despair, thinking I can't start over at age 45 to acceptance (slowly) and realizing that the damage that was done and how it was done is irreparable from my POV that I have no choice to move on...whatever that looks like


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## Stillkindofhopefull

Sounds like you are pretty content with not working it out. That can be a good place to be compared to others that struggle a lot more.

If you don't mind me asking, after 3 kids and 23 years of marriage, how are you accepting it so fast? Paying for her to stay elsewhere? 

Is there anyone else in your life that makes ending your current marriage easier?

How are your kids doing? The 14 yr old is the youngest?

Just curious. I'm not a long time member here but I had spent a lot of time on here when I went through my bit of hell and I don't recall seeing someone handle it as well as you seem to be, considering the time spent and the family and all.


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## Marc878

I hope you exposed her for the church going hypocrite she is????

It'll help get that off your chest and move on. Definitely cut all unnecessary contact. You'll move on a lot quicker. 

Sorry to hear what you're going through.


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## Riptide

We had a difficult time in our marriage almost 4 years ago exactly where she had a brief emotional affair that was devastating to me so I guess having gone through something similar, albeit it did not go this far, did probably prepare me somewhat. I did really focus in on our marriage for a good three years where I was the pursuer and she seemed happy with my effort but something had obviously changed and it felt I was no longer "the one". Part of going through that was I made a self determination that if something like that happened again that it would kill the marriage for me and certainly how cold and detached she made this separation has definitely altered my perception of the innocent girl I married and my desire to risk taking yet another chance on reconciliation. I am also wired that when I go through a crisis, I tend to process things rather quickly although (maybe self defence mechanism. I don't know) I do find a circle back to the same place a few times. I do know had things had gone this far in 2011 I would not be handling it the same then as I am now. I guess another part of it is I really hate being in limbo and I just want to push through this as quickly as possible, get closure and see how thing look down the road. I might regret moving too fast but right now but again I feel like I need closure. Another side element I think perhaps subconsciously is the fear of starting over at age 45 so it feels like if I waste to much time, I am not getting any younger. I can't say that this hasn't effected me deeply because it has but I guess just my way of dealing with it..for better or worse


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## Riptide

Hi Marc878

As much as I would like some personal satisfaction in doing that, I don't want to inflict any damage on our kids, especially our 14 year old who attends youth there. Although a mutual friend mentioned to me over coffee on the weekend that the pastor had questioned why my STBXW was joined in the arms of this other guy (divorced 3 years ago and lives in a basement suite) so they are exposing themselves for what they are. I was disappointed in hearing that but the angry part was when I told my wife that I talked to my family about our marriage and how she had left she said " oh that is good to know that they know. I would have preferred that not come out...out of respect for the children....OMG.


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## Kivlor

Riptide said:


> when I told my wife that I talked to my family about our marriage and how she had left she said " oh that is good to know that they know. I would have preferred that not come out...out of respect for the children....OMG.


Did she actually say that with a straight face? What she really means is "Out of respect for myself". Have you told her folks yet?

Kudos to you for handling this as well as you are. How is your daughter dealing with it?


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## Marc878

Riptide said:


> Hi Marc878
> 
> As much as I would like some personal satisfaction in doing that, I don't want to inflict any damage on our kids, especially our 14 year old who attends youth there. Although a mutual friend mentioned to me over coffee on the weekend that the pastor had questioned why my STBXW was joined in the arms of this other guy (divorced 3 years ago and lives in a basement suite) so they are exposing themselves for what they are. I was disappointed in hearing that (cuz it still does hurt) but the angry part was when I told my wife that I talked to my family about our marriage and how she had left she said " oh that is good to know that they know. I would have preferred that not come out...out of respect for the children....OMG.


They aren't stupid. At that age someone will definitely fill them in on what's happening. I'd rather them know up front than find it out from other sources. What's wrong with the truth if it's told carefully?

You need to read up on No More Mr Nice Guy. If not for now for your future. Women find that very unattractive.

You need some respect if not for you for your kids.


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## Riptide

Thanks for your response Kivar. That exchange about out of respect for the kids was done over text so hard to tell if it was with a straight face but hypocritical nonetheless. 

Her folks do know about this. I did talk to my father in law (good man) and apologized to him for "my part" in the failure in the marriage and that as the father who gave his daughter away that I owed him out of respect that I am sorry that it had come to this. He was greatly moved that I reached out to him man to man and that even though she walked out on the marriage that I was willing to accept my responsibility. I am not Mr Perfect Husband by any means but Integrity is very much apart of my DNA.


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## Riptide

Hi Marc

Yes unfortunately the truth will come out on its own so I will let that come out in its own time. I certainly won't lie to the kids when they ask when/how she met this guy but they are just dealing wit the fact that we are separated so no need to pile on things to quickly. Enough pain and hurt as it is.

My goal is not to win her back or get her to find me attractive... I did that in 2011 and that did not work so well in the end. I have no issue with self respect...just the opposite.


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## Florida_rosbif

Hey Riptide

The parallels between our situations struck me, again 23 years together, 3 kids (though eldest 17), 8 weeks ago wife tells me to move out, only to reveal a week later that she has had a 4 month affair with someone in our group of friends. I can confirm weight loss and lack of sleep were rapid consequences! In fact the latter has been a real problem for me - it's hard to pull yourself together and man up when you're completely wrung out by lack of sleep!

Well my wife did the 180 and has cut links to the OM, but that has just put me back in that limbo that you talk about, wondering if I can ever get over it and pick up our marriage again. In some ways I envy you as at least you know where you're going!

I'm obviously not an expert on these things, merely another victim, but I would say that exposing what she has done to you and your family is a positive thing. I ensured that all family and all friends know that our marriage is potentially screwed because of what my wife did, going as far as sending emails to friends around the world. Apart from the support that I got back in return, it actually felt good to do so because she really didn't like it! Why should your wife be allowed to crap on her family in this manner and just waltz away with her image untarnished? It also prevents future revisionist history, when she meets old friends and says "Oh yeah, I split up with Riptide because he was a bad husband" or some such ****.

I consider the only argument against exposure of the facts is that of male pride, "I don't want everyone to know that I'm such a sap that my wife cheated on me!". That is clearly so much BS, I'm not a sap and nor are you, so give her some consequences.

Take care man, hope you can pick up the pieces of your life and find happiness!


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## Riptide

Thank you for your response Florida. Yes it really does suck. The hardest part is letting go the "perception" of what you thought you had and the idea that we thought we were set in life and had control of our plan. Realizing that is an illusion - we did not have what we thought we had and being in control is wishful thinking. I am certainly not out of the darkness but that realization was sobering when a good friend spoke those words to me.

Full out exposure is a tough one for me..perhaps like you said apart of it is male pride but I honestly want to put my effort in getting through this, moving on with life and fast forwarding the next 12 months. If I thought I could take my wife back I might go the exposure route...if I thought the kids would not be effected and my goal was to have the OM dump her. He is already divorced so exposing him will do no good unless I am missing something. I would like to just get the separation agreement finalized and exposing and getting her pissed will just prolong that process so that is the angle I have chosen to play so far. I have friends that see her new relationship falling apart on its own and I think it will too so the karma bus is comin...she just doesn't know it yet. I could be wrong but that's how I feel


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## Florida_rosbif

Riptide said:


> I would like to just get the separation agreement finalized and exposing and getting her pissed will just prolong that process so that is the angle I have chosen to play so far.


Ok, that is a reason that I can understand, though it still feels like letting her off the hook! I think that you have to be on the receiving end of cheating to appreciate just how much damage it does - IT SHOULD HAVE CONSEQUENCES FOR THEM TOO, rather than them just dancing off into the sunset with their new partner.

As you wisely say, let's hope that they get run over by the karma bus!


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## MarriedDude

Riptide said:


> Thank you for your response Florida. Yes it really does suck. The hardest part is letting go the "perception" of what you thought you had and the idea that we thought we were set in life and had control of our plan. Realizing that is an illusion - we did not have what we thought we had and being in control is wishful thinking. I am definitely not out of the darkness or have my moments of despair but that realization was sobering when a good friend spoke those words to me.
> 
> Full out exposure is a tough one for me..perhaps like you said apart of it is male pride but I honestly want to put my effort in getting through this, moving on with life and fast forwarding the next 12 months. If I thought I could take my wife back I might go the exposure route...if I thought the kids would not be effected and my goal was to have the OM dump her. He is already divorced so exposing him will do no good unless I am missing something. *I would like to just get the separation agreement finalized and exposing and getting her pissed will just prolong that process so that is the angle I have chosen to play so far.* I have friends that see her new relationship falling apart on its own and I think it will too so the karma bus is comin...she just doesn't know it yet. I could be wrong but that's how I feel


Very wise man. Please give everything due consideration..in terms of the agreement...don't give away the farm -since she's in the fog -you don't have to. There are different levels of fair. For your own sake make sure she takes her share of the bad with her share of the good.


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## Nomorebeans

I didn't full on expose my now ex when I found out about his affair in February - for similar reasons as the OP. I didn't want him back, even if that were an option, because what he had already done was a deal breaker.

Now, I kind of wish I had, because it might have ended it. And though I don't want him back, I don't want his relationship with this ridiculous woman to succeed, either. We're divorced now (amazing how fast you can rush your family through it when your GF keeps giving you ultimatums), and after spending all of 11 days with her total from the start of the affair up to that point, he's moved her down here from another state, 10 minutes away from where our son and I live, and now our 13-year-old basically has a stepmother that he's known for less than a week.

I realize my ex will be with someone or other beside me. If it doesn't work out with this one, he'll dump her for someone else. God knows he can't be alone.

Like Florida says, I'd just like for there to be consequences for these two selfish idiots, and others like them. Yes, I know that's just the spite talking, but why should they have a moral breakdown and get to go about their lives as if they've done nothing wrong?

In reality, I think there are consequences. We just don't see them as soon or as dramatically as we'd like to. Because I have to talk to my ex regularly, he's alluded a couple times to me recently about things not going so well with his little friend since she's moved down here. Breaking News: The grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence, after all, and you can't polish a turd.

I understand why you're compartmentalizing it so well. I wish I were better at it - I should be, because my ex had at least two EAs that I know about before this one that rapidly became a PA (he met her in a church, too, by the way - at a luncheon following a funeral in one they'd both just attended - what IS it with these people?). He never admitted that's what they were, but that's what they were. One of them is still going on while he's with this one (he really should have been more careful about his smartphone pass code). I'd love to be a fly on the wall when this one discovers that one.

Sorry you're here, but glad you're feeling better so quickly. ZzzQuil helped me with that sleep deprivation thing. It took a few months, but my appetite and ability to sleep unaided did come back.

Is your daughter doing OK? I take it you haven't told her about the OM? I think my son is doing OK - we're doing our best to keep it amicable, and I never say a bad word about his Dad or GF to him, no matter how much I want to.


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## aine

Riptide, seems like you have things under control, no doubt the emotions will rise and bring you down but it is a process of just getting through it. Keep things stable for your kids. How old are your kids? I think the kids should know about this, they probably already do. Keeping things under wrap only protects your WW, she is the one hurting the kids not you. 
Older kids need to know that in life people are flawed and sometimes marriage is not all fairy tales and princesses/princes, this is the real world. They will then see how a BS acts, with integrity and perseverance, which is what you are doing. She will always be their mother but that does not mean you have to hide from them who she really is.

Exposing to the church is also important, if not for you, for your family. She is most definitely in the A fog, big time, you would be doing something for your family.


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## Riptide

Thank you all for your comments and support. I did browse this sight a few years ago when my wife had her first EA and the support system here can be invaluable. Looking back that EA did a lot of harm to our marriage and unconsciously I must have made a decision to just let her go if it ever happened again.It does seem like I am ahead of the curve in my recovery relative to how recent it has been since . I certainly was not in this place a few months ago and felt like a death in the family had occurred. Literally woke up one morning thinking I was still a married guy and found out over a Sunday afternoon lunch that she was done and wanted out of the marriage (two days later I found out about OM). I still have days where I struggle (Sunday evenings seem to be hard still) but I am eating better. Exercise and jogging also helps alot

My daughter seemingly is doing well. Initially she was very surprised because the wife and I did not fight or argue a lot. Distance had become noticeable in the last year but I attributed it to an increase in my work load in my job that kept me busier than normal. So when we discussed the separation, I will never forget the surprised look in her eyes and when she asked "this is just a trial right? I was the one who broke down when breaking the news and my wife, usually the emotional one was pretty calm about it all. I honestly don't recognize this person my wife has become. 

We discussed our situation with her school counselor and ensured she has the proper support to talk about her feelings and I offered to go in to co-counselling with her if that is something she needs. My daughter and I are very close so I am thankful that she is staying with me during the week. I adjusted my work schedule to allow me to go in later so I can be the one to get her up for school and I enjoy being that Dad for her. My wife even admitted that our daughter would be happier living with me so it was not a fight to have a majority of custody. Like myself, she seems to be adjusting well but of course I do feel very sad and responsible for letting her down


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## Riptide

Thank you for your reply no more beans. Yes I might have regrets down the road that I didn't expose but something tells me that she once these shiny new feelings dissipate, the baggage she brings will show up and she will eventually be in the same boat again. If not, I am determined to make a better life for myself. I am already a better dad to my daughter and we were very close before this.

I am sorry that you had to deal with an EA and a PA. Going through betrayal once is hell...going through it again but add a PA to the equation, well that just seems cruel and injust. Don't worry though, I am not a deeply religious person but I believe one day we all have to answer to the big guy upstairs and he will hold us all accountable for what we have done.

It is interesting you used the term compartmentalizing, you might be on to something. I know there is some anger down there that is bound to come up. It has in small spurts but I know the time and place for that is after the separation agreement is signed and I have knowingly parked it when I think about the betrayal and how I gave her a second chance after the first EA, how I was the pursuer afterwards and she said how ashamed she was and that it would never happen again..... only for it to happen again but worse.Perhaps compartmentalizing is my coping mechanism and eventually I will have to deal with this but for some reason I see myself in a better place down the road. It is weird though as my initial reaction was wanting to do anything to save the marriage and thinking I would be able to forgive her again. Know that she is gone, I can't even imagine taking her back

To answer the next question, no I have not mentioned OM to daughter or sons. I know that would kill the image they have of their mom and hurt them deeply. It is bound to come out but this is relatively fresh, I don't want to add salt to the wound. Is this the wrong choice? It would certainly upset the wife if they found out and I told them but I am more concerned about the kids than hurt her.


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## Goobertron

23 years is a really good run in my view. I myself was only married for 6 years but was in a 9 year relationship. It seemed to last a lot longer than that though . I remember realising the emotional context had completely changed and it felt like it happened in an instant. 

It's good if you can both move on. I focus on my child more as a divorced man. I actually lost weight during the separation and was able to keep it off by being more active and engaged. Child support can be a problem though. For me that means not only having to pay child support, which is about a day a working week's gross wage, but having to pay for a whole house of my own so that I can enjoy spending time with my kid. 

Therefore, I'd be really quick to end the financial relationship immediately and enter a formal process to protect yourself. The risk is you end up paying for everything out of guilt and the hope of reconciliation; and both aren't valid but emotions can get in the way of rational thinking especially if you keep talking to her.


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## Riptide

Yes I am definitely hoping for a quick resolution. I hate the feeling of being in limbo and I am just wanting closure and fast forward a year from now. Admittedly, I did try and stay in touch the first few weeks but have found keeping my distance is only helping me detach. At first I put the vibe out there that I would be willing to work thing out if she changed her mind and even proposed dating down the road if she dumped OM and we used the separation to live independently and see if we could rediscover a spark without having to deal with the daily grind of sharing a roof, paying bills etc. Having turned that down and into the arms of OM, that was the nail in the coffin and she is on her own when she falls. Having married at 22, I am using this time to discover some independence, be the best dad I can be and I know that when the time comes, I will find someone better or find peace in just being alone for awhile. Certainly, after 23 years, that feeling of being alone and no longer married (she took her ring off right away) was unsettling but I am getting used to it a bit more each day. Getting her stuff moved out, buying my own bedding and rearranging stuff in the house and garage also helped. I will probably repaint this winter too just to put complete the personalization of the space. She already commented that it feels like she didn't even exist here when she picked our daughter recently. I didn't say anything other than think " that's the whole idea" and I am going to get there quicker than you think. I have peace knowing I didn't desert the marriage and someday she will regret how she went about this. She did have a moral compass and conscious at one point, just don't know where that person went.


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## Marc878

Maybe she'll regret it maybe she won't but I'd never give her another chance. You deserve a life too.

This is all about her. She has not thought about you or even the kids. 

I'm sorry for you and hope you find your way to the life you want for a change. 

I suspect it'll play out the same as last. After the dream wears off will you be there again?


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## jld

I think you are wise not to try to extract revenge. The kids will form their own opinion over time. 

Considering she left you after you tried to meet her needs, it sounds like the marriage just ran its course. Again, wise of you to accept that, and move on. There is peace in that, I believe.


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## ButtPunch

jld said:


> I think you are wise not to try to extract revenge. The kids will form their own opinion over time.
> 
> Considering she left you after you tried to meet her needs, it sounds like the marriage just ran its course. Again, wise of you to accept that, and move on. There is peace in that, I believe.


Good advice here. Exposure is to end the affair and get your wife back. It seems this marriage is done. No need to expose. 

Don't hide this from your kids. They ask and you tell in an age appropriate manner. Mom has fell in love with someone else and we are divorcing because of it.


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## TheTruthHurts

No personal experience with divorce here but I have many kids and I did tell then very openly about my cancer when the youngest were 8. It's part of our life (I'm not sick but lots of dr visits) and I think they see it as something we do. Not who I am.

Personally I would be completely transparent and honest. Tell then that dad loves you and mom loves you and that will never change. Go through several examples - even people who end up in jail because of mistakes have their mom and dad right there with them. There is NOTHING they can do to make you not love them.

Then I'd contrast that with dating, relationships and marriage. We choose each other. We get to know the other person and if we're lucky we find someone honest and open and caring and wanting to spend the rest of their lives with you. But you have to keep working on that love because it's not like a child - parent love - it's a choice.

And then I'd be plain and honest. I'd say mom decided to end the marriage. There is nothing someone can do unless both people want to stay married. So I'll be dad forever and she'll be mom forever but I can't stay married to her. If they press I would be blunt but not judgmental. Mom decided to get a new boyfriend and I'm not ok with that so we can't stay married. But we'll work things out so you have a mom and dad just like a lot of your friends.

Kids aren't dumb. They'll see this. If they see you are ok being a whole person but not #2 they have a chance to develop positive relationships themselves.

No need to go into other details but the above are true and objective.


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## TheTruthHurts

BTW I would NOT say anything about mom falling in love with someone else - nothing about her relationship. You don't know she fell in love and I wouldn't add that judgement and elevate the relationship that way. It sounds "nice" but you'd job is to be honest, who and complete, not nice. Moms relationship is moms business - I would direct their questions about that to mom.

The only thing you know us mom said she loved you. Didn't turn out so well so you should not interpret moms thoughts for her.

That should be your firm, but not angry, boundary.


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## jb02157

I would like to see what her reaction is to everything a couple months from now when the love interest thing falls through and she comes crawling back to the OP. I hope that you won't take her back. If she wants to cause all the damage she has, she better be prepared to deal with it. 

Definitely expose what she did to the church and both sides of the family. Don't let her off the hook. I would also not pay for her to live elsewhere anymore. If that's her choice let her pay for it. POS women like this should know that they have to pay for unacceptable behavior like this.


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## ArmyofJuan

6 months.

That's about how long it will be when she realized she screwed up and tries to come back. Relationships that stem from affairs have a hilariously short life. Just be prepared for it when it happens.


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## bandit.45

Is she still going to church, playing the pious believer?


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## Riptide

Thank you all again. Some excellent posts here. I definitely can't say I haven't considered telling the kids. I just don't want to do it out of revenge and I struggle with the timing and how/when that conversation happens but I realize that is inevitable. I certainly will not lie if this other person shows up in their lives and they ask when and how I found out about it.

If you asked me soon after the separation, I would have definitely considered taking her back. That would only have been on the condition that she dump OM and take the time to do some self reflection (for both of us) and then start dating after living apart and see if we could rekindle that lost spark. I think we (I) could have done that but having her choose to go right to this other relationship with no break in between, I have lost all respect for her and the person I married is dead to me. 

As far as financial separation goes, I am keeping track of the money I gave her to cover her rental lease over the next year so as not to burden my regular account. I just hope that while she lost in the shiny new relationship that she will agree to my terms which in reality is quite fair (55% of existing net worth plus a healthy payout) but you know how things can get when lawyers get involved. Will see how that goes


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## Riptide

Hi Bandit. Nice to hear from you. I have followed this forum back in 2012 after my wife's first EA 4 years ago. here.

Yes she is going to church. Sadly, I asked my daughter recently if she goes with mom, as she has her on the weekends and no she does not take her to church with her (presumably so she can sit next to OM). I will definitely start pushing to have my daughter return home Saturday night if she insists on leaving her at her apartment alone Sunday just to return her to me early in the afternoon.


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## bandit.45

Riptide said:


> Hi Bandit. Nice to hear from you. I have followed this forum back in 2012 after my wife's first EA 4 years ago. You are like a local legend here.
> 
> Yes she is going to church. Sadly, I asked my daughter recently if she goes with mom, as she has her on the weekends and no she does not take her to church with her (presumably so she can sit next to OM). I will definitely start pushing to have my daughter return home Saturday night if she insists on leaving her at her apartment alone Sunday just to return her to me early in the afternoon.


Puke. I fvcking hate hypocrites like her. One reason I gave up on church long ago.


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## Steve1000

Riptide said:


> acceptance (slowly) and realizing that the damage that was done and how it was done is irreparable from my POV that I have no choice to move on.


I admire you for coming to this realization pretty quickly. I wish that I would have been able to think so clearly as early as you have.


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## Marduk

It's too easy RT. 

She hasn't had to deal with the fallout. With the kids, church, all that. 

All that stress which will likely result in her not being "fun" for the single other man, which will likely result in her getting dumped and crapped on from everyone when it comes out. 

So she'll look around, get scared because she's gone from the support of her community and two men to no community and zero men, and she may suddenly want to reconcile. 

What then?


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## bandit.45

You should at least tell your pastor what is up.


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## Nomorebeans

I asked my then husband to tell our son, when we sat down to tell him, to include the OW in the explanation for why we were separating and divorcing right now. I had spoken with a counselor beforehand who said, as did many folks here, that the best thing is to tell him the truth in an age appropriate manner, without judgment or editorializing. So my ex agreed to say the following: I've been unhappy in the marriage for a long time. I should have told your Mom how unhappy I was, but I thought she knew, so I didn't. I met someone else I'd like to be with instead, and that's why we're separating and divorcing.

The counselor thought, and I agreed, that it was best to do this because otherwise, he would have blamed himself. Especially given that we never openly fought and seemed to get along well. I'm a child of divorce, and I know my brothers and I blamed ourselves for many years because our parents just kind of separated without really telling us why. I didn't want that for him.

You can tell your daughter in a gentle way that is not unkind towards her mother. Like "Mom is interested in another man and feels she would rather be with him than me. But she loves you very much, is still your Mom, and that won't change" or something like that. She may ask you questions about the other man. Answer the ones you can with a simple fact, like how long she's been with him. But defer the ones that require a judgment or opinion to your wife. If she gets mad at you for telling her daughter, tough. My ex did, too, even though he agreed to be the one to tell him. I told him I asked our son if he felt I was right to insist he be told the truth, and our son said "Of course it was. I would have figured it out eventually, and then there just would have been more drama." He also told me that knowing this helped him realize there was nothing he (or I) could have done to change it, and that there was no way we'd ever get back together, so he wouldn't get his hopes up about that only to be disappointed later. I hate to use the word closure, but I do think knowing the truth gave him that.

He has a good relationship with his Dad now because his Dad is trying hard to redeem himself in his eyes and because I never say a bad word about him. Your wife can determine how good of a relationship she'll have going forward with her daughter by her future actions. She is not entitled to your lying and covering for her now - she has fired you from that job. Not meaning to be spiteful there - that's just a fact.


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## Spotthedeaddog

Riptide said:


> We moved her into an apartment where I have given her enough rental income to get by the next year while we sort out the separation and divorce proceedings.


muggins


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## Spotthedeaddog

Riptide said:


> . I would have preferred that not come out...out of respect for the children....OMG.


"Out of respect for the children" is the "correct" thing to say and thus justifies being able to make the statement. Since it justifies the statement, therefore, what the statement mentions MUST ALSO be justified... "out of respect for the children".

(see what I did there... I added the magic phrase too, and you know just because I put the magic phrase in you wanted to believe the statement was true too.)


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## Spotthedeaddog

Riptide said:


> Thank you for your response Florida. Yes it really does suck. The hardest part is letting go the "perception" of what you thought you had and the idea that we thought we were set in life and had control of our plan.


I very much get the feeling many men have "the plan". And sadly for many women, the only "plan" is to get a man, and then leave all the responsibility for making things work up to him.

As was said many years ago, but sadly less often these days
" A man is not a plan "


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## Riptide

Thanks again for every ones responses and support. I think a large part of my ability to move on this quickly stems from my experience from the EA 4 years ago and I did follow this site for a couple of years in the Coping with Infidelity Forum. I gained a lot of knowledge from following the many tragic stories (as well as triumphs) and had I not gone through this before and learned from this site, I am sure I would be a drivelling mess and dealing with things much differently. I know I put a good effort in the marriage post EA(more than she did) for over 2 1/2 years but admittedly we BOTH seemed to allow things to flat line and even allow some distance to grow as we both had a busier year than normal in our work schedules. She certainly did not put out any warning signs that we were in trouble or try to re-engage. I think she got used to me being the pursuer and when that stopped she totally disengaged. I know I put in a good effort and if she had communicated that she was so unhappy that she wanted out that I would have done something about it. She chose to wait until someone caught her eye to pack up and leave so my conscious is clean. Again, if this was my first rodeo with this, albeit this time it went a lot further, I would be in a much different state of mind. As each day passes, I let go a bit more each day and remember how young I was when I got married and that a little independence might not be so bad. Don't get me wrong , this is not linear. I do have times where I wish that this never happened but just have to remind myself that it did and nothing can change that and it is up to me how to proceed. Being in my mid 40's I don't want to be 50 yrs old before I get my .... together and subconsciously why I am forcing myself to push through and start new.


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## TheTruthHurts

Riptide I think that's a very honest and healthy attitude. 40s and older are actually good years for men - you may well find good women 5-15 years younger than you attracted to you as the power swings toward men as we age. A stable man who's raised kids, is established in life, and isnt out rutting like a younger man can be quite attractive to a younger woman who has come out of a relationship, especially if she is raising kids.

Just a thought...


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## Riptide

Thanks TheTruthHurts - that is encouraging for sure. Just not sure when I will be ready to start looking again but I know I eventually will. Initially I couldn't imagine being with someone else but how she left this marriage and rejected my offer to work things out only to have her jump over to OM, really killed things for me. I can actually imagine down the road being happy with someone else. When I don't know but I can start to picture that day. I gotta admit though, it seems very intimidating to imagine getting back in the dating game. How does someone my age even start to meet women? I wouldn't even know where to start. Not sure how successful online dating would be but for now I just want this settlement done so I can get on with my life. That needs to happen first. Something tells me that I will meet someone just as her new relationship goes down the toilet. Maybe just wishful thinking.


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## JohnA

I think in the main you are right in your decisions. She deep in the fog. Leaving the home and leaving her daughter. Yes she left her daughter. I think at some level she respects/fears you and those around her. So yes keep your focus on the reality of post divorce life. At all times be fair to yourself and your children. Save the you "fired me" until the divorce finalized, no matter how welled earned. 

The only point I see an issue occurring is with the children not knowing. Put the of your decisions in the "done book" and focus here on how and when to tell the children. Your other children are they older and in college/out of the house?

As to what to say from POV, "every marriage has issues, most with love and faith in each other can be overcome" so these are on both of us. BUT Adultery is always on the adulator and is their's and only their's to fix. She has choosn not to.

As to how to behave with her I think Satya(sp?) said it best "stoic and diplomatic". Or a true southern lady say "why bless you heart dear",


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## Riptide

Yes I struggle daily with the question of should I let the kids know or is it too soon in that they are just coming to grips with mom and dad no longer being together. My sons are 19, 21 and are on their own and are probably more ready for that conversation than my 14 year old daughter. I would worry about her reaction and its not really fair to just tell the boys. It will come out eventually...not a question of if just a matter of when. 

Not sure if this means anything or not but got a text out of the blue from STBXW asking about our companies family assistance program so she can seek individual counselling. Not sure if that is fishing or a sign that things are not as rosy with her new relationship but whatever. I just gave her the contact info for her to make an appointment with a counselor that will be covered by our companies family assistance plan. She then asked if she could take our daughter out to supper after school and left it to her to ask our daughter. My daughter declined and said she would rather spend the evening at home with me. Again, nothing earth shattering here but signs of a crack in the damn I am thinking.


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## Marc878

Riptide said:


> Yes I struggle daily with the question of should I let the kids know or is it too soon in that they are just coming to grips with mom and dad no longer being together. My sons are 19, 21 and are on their own and are probably more ready for that conversation than my 14 year old daughter. I would worry about her reaction and its not really fair to just tell the boys. It will come out eventually...not a question of if just a matter of when.
> 
> Not sure if this means anything or not but got a text out of the blue from STBXW asking about our companies family assistance program so she can seek individual counselling. Not sure if that is fishing or a sign that things are not as rosy with her new relationship but whatever. I just gave her the contact info for her to make an appointment with a counselor that will be covered by our companies family assistance plan. She then asked if she could take our daughter out to supper after school and left it to her to ask our daughter. My daughter declined and said she would rather spend the evening at home with me. Again, nothing earth shattering here but signs of a crack in the damn I am thinking.


You seem afraid of exposure. The truth has a way of working things out. They are a part of this family right? Especially at that age.


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## Riptide

There are 2 parts to that question I suppose. My first concern is the effect of how the news that good ol mom has a boyfriend and it started weeks before she left. I was wanting the news of separation to sink in before that came out, which it will. Probably sooner than later. I also want to get the separation agreement finalized as well. By telling them purely out of revenge would very likely make mediation difficult (which is where we are headed). I am not concerned in trying to win her back. I have let her go and what happens with her new relationship, well I could care less. I feel it will not last with or without my involvement or exposure


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## Nomorebeans

You wouldn't be telling them out of revenge - you'd be telling them because knowing the truth will help them process it.

You said yourself your daughter was shocked about the separation and said, "This is just a trial, right?"

You're setting her up to hope you could someday reunite and reconcile - and ultimately be even more disappointed - by not telling her the whole story.


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## LLady

It is amazing how those who are faithful church attenders are sometimes the worst. My husband was very involved in our church but still thought it was ok to pay for sex. 

I agree that sometimes being in limbo for too long forces you to push yourself quickly past what you feel for your spouse and into the next phase of reality. Other than my family being torn apart being lonely at night is the absolute worst! 

Riptide you are about my age so I try to look at the one positive is that I will still be young enough to enjoy myself once the dust settles. My youngest daughter is slightly older than yours and will be in college in a few years. Plenty of time to explore and reinvent! While marriage will never be in the books again that doesn't mean a person can't have a meaningful relantionship.

Stay positive in what you say to your child or say nothing at all. I know myself how very difficult this is. We have to break the news to our children in the next few days and I am dreading it even though he was the one who cheated. I want to scream so loudy what he did but that doesn't help our children. I can only pray they understand I am not taking the easy way out. 

Good luck with working through all the drama and stickiness.


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## Marc878

Riptide said:


> There are 2 parts to that question I suppose. My first concern is the effect of how the news that good ol mom has a boyfriend and it started weeks before she left. I was wanting the news of separation to sink in before that came out, which it will. Probably sooner than later. I also want to get the separation agreement finalized as well. By telling them purely out of revenge would very likely make mediation difficult (which is where we are headed). I am not concerned in trying to win her back. I have let her go and what happens with her new relationship, well I could care less. I feel it will not last with or without my involvement or exposure


It's your life and you have to deal with it as you see fit. Many times I've seen this because deep down there is hope it'll just blow over and it can be rugswept. The fear is that if you make them mad that possibility won't happen. So life can go back to the way it was????

I personally don't see that as a life worth living.


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## Riptide

Hi LLDADY - Just curious, how long since your DDay? Do your children know of the impending end of the marriage or is it the nature of how it is ending that you will be telling your children. I can appreciate the difficulty and dread in having that conversation. Yes, one of the hardest parts is that feeling lonely at night. I do really well during the day but my down turns seem to happen in the evening as well but gradually getting better.

Marc 878 - I am not sure where you are getting my apprehension of exposure as not wanting to ruin my chances of winning her back. Believe me, that is the furthest thing from the truth. The person I married is dead to me. Trust is gone and ruined forever and that is something that I will not accept in any relationship. I would rather just be alone than be with someone can't trust. If you are with someone you cannot truly trust, now that is a life not worth living


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## LLady

Riptide-I have know for 5 months something was wrong but actual Dday was about 2 months ago. The children have not been formally told but the fact that we are sleeping in separate beds is not hidden. I don't think it will come as a huge shock but still heartbreaking all the same. I'm not sure exactly what we will tell her but I told him that the standard "we don't love each other" was BS because I loved him very much prior to knowing what he had done. He will have to make it clear enough that he has in some way made it such that he has not kept his vow of being the husband he should be and therefore that it why we are divorcing. I don't want to make it ugly but I don't think we should lie either.

When do you plan to tell your children? Do you think they have some idea?


My husband is dead to me too but it's hard to let go of the hurt of the fact that my family should be intact. Our separation agreement is almost finalized and that took some negotiating. I was probably too generous but I just want this over as quickly as possible with the children taken care of.


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## JohnA

I agree that you need to get the divorce done ASAP before the fog clears. Her asking about IC though your company's health plan is a warning to get it done now.


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## Riptide

LLady - I understand the hurt and anger towards the spouse that our families should be in tact and it was not our decision to be in this spot. Obviously with her moved out the kids know of our separation but they have no clue that another person is involved. I wanted some time for our separation to resonate with them before they find out their church going mom had a boyfriend before she moved out. I know that realization that their mom is not what they thought she was will be difficult and will hurt them much more than my satisfaction in throwing her under the bus. I also want our separation agreement finalized before being the one to tell them so as not to prolong this. We are going the mediation route and I want to reach a quick agreement.I just want closure and her new relationship and the timing of it will get exposed eventually. Each day is getting harder for me to just not come out and tell them about OM but I struggle with the pros/cons of doing it out of revenge and just waiting for it to come out on its own.


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## ButtPunch

Riptide

My counselor told me that she had seen cases where the BS didn't tell the kids to protect the WS
image. Kids became more angry and resentful to the BS for keeping the secret and essentially lying 
to them than they were at the WS for cheating.


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## Tango in Triple Time

Haven't read all your replies, hope I'm not repeating.

You do sound like a nice guy. I was a nice woman when I got divorced. Figured we could do it the friendly way, he'd play fair, I'd play fair. Wish I had listened to everyone else, but we always think we are the exception. 6 years later he's hired two other lawyers trying to sue me for things he now doesn't like that are in our divorce papers, which is plain stupid. He got all the household items except the Fridge and washer dryer. We split all our money/401k/stocks and bills in half. I paid his truck gas bill for 6 months (over 2k)after our divorce, trying to be "fair" cause I made more money. Most divorces I've seen don't happen in a fair honest best for both type way. It's just not the nature of a divorce. 

Please please get a great lawyer, do not give in to unreasonable demands, watch out for YOU. You are vulnerable and most likely she will take advantage of that if she can.

Just read that the OM is not exposed as yet. What are you waiting for? YOU did nothing wrong. Why protect her and her deception? Sometimes it's ok to not be the nice guy.


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## tom67

14 is old enough to tell the kids the truth.
They will respect you for it.


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## ArmyofJuan

One thing to keep in mind is everything is temporary.

The odds that your WW will still be with the OM by this time next year is less than 20%. Most relationships that start out as affairs tend to fall about around the 6 month mark when the honeymoon phase passes and they realise the reality doesn't match the fantasy.

What that means to you is don't be shocked in a few months she starts snooping around and hinting about getting back together, especially if you start dating. It would be a bad idea to take the bait as they tend to go right back with the AP soon afterwards, usually for good. 

Look out for #1 (she is) and don't worry, there are tons of women out there just waiting for a guy like you to become available. Keep your head up and you will come out better than her in all of this. After all, you are not the one that has to tell future relationships that you divorced because you cheated.


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## Riptide

Thank you again for your responses and your advice does seem logical. I know I am getting closer to having that conversation with them as the separation is now behind us and that has resonated with them 

Tom67 and Butt Punch - the fact that the kids could resent me for not telling them is also on the back of my mind as well. I guess I struggle with how I bring it up. With the boys that no longer at home, do I just drop by and just to tell them that specific information wait for the time that we just happen to be together? 

Tango - also good advice. I am "hoping" we can solve this mutually through mediation and if I play fair, she will play fair. I probably should be more proactive and slightly aggressive so she doesn't try to take advantage of me being trying to be the nice guy that is hoping to play fair. We are going in for a second round of mediation later this week and if I get any sense of entitlement on her end I will lawyer up for sure. I will probably wait until the next mediation appointment before breaking news to the kids about OM. Certainly that could stir the pot and make things ugly but I know the longer I put that off the bigger the chance of the kids having resentment towards me keeping that from them and also the closer to Christmas we will get and I don't want to spill that news to close to that. I wish this was just a case of her leaving to see if she would be happier on her own and then eventually look at pursuing another relationship if that was the conclusion she came to down the road. Having it end this way just plain sucked.....not just for me but for the kids.


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## Vulcan2013

When you tell the kids, keep it simple, with no animosity. Just "Momleft me for her boyfriend."

I think you should expose to her pastor and close friends, especially mutual friends. This isn't revenge, it's you not living out her lies. Sunlight kills affairs. Not that you want her back, but for her own good. 

My perspective is as a man who had a serious EA, and porn addiction. I played the good Christian, and long-suffering husband whose marriage was going through a hard time. Implied that my wife was difficult (she was, I wonder why?). Keeping that fake, respectable, nice guy image was super important to me. It also kept me sick and in sin. I made my family complicit in keeping my secrets. 

I hated it, but exposure was the start of healing for me. 

I'd suggest a broadcast email laying out the facts (again, not with animosity, but a simple outline of the actual situation). You can end with saying you aren't going to reconcile, but requesting support for each of you. 

Understand, she's just saying you drifted apart, and she'll introduce the OM when the dust clears as someone who helped her through a hard time. Let everyone know, that's the man she cheated with. You aren't ruining her reputation, she's done that. 

Check out NNMNG and MMSLP if you haven't already.


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## JohnA

My experience with using mediation was very good. I would recommend as a first choice nearly always. Our mediator was impartial and professional. 

That said, the key word is impartial. So I did hire a "shadow attorney". I discussed with her the framework of what I could expect going in and we discussed at great length the final agreement. In the end this action actually changed nothing. It was also some of the best money I ever spent, perhaps the best.

Boy Scouts of America: be prepared. Who knew.

Riptide I strongly suggest you do the same. My ex and I had only "her dog" who wanted to divorce her for a long time. So I took him. You have children, retirement funds, etc. Now is the time to secure you and your children's post life period. If next month she does a 180: divorce in haste, repeat in leisure. I suspect remarriage in your case would be the only way the two of you might have any possibility of success.


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## 3Xnocharm

marduk said:


> It's too easy RT.
> 
> She hasn't had to deal with the fallout. With the kids, church, all that.
> 
> All that stress which will likely result in her not being "fun" for the single other man, which will likely result in her getting dumped and crapped on from everyone when it comes out.
> 
> So she'll look around, get scared because she's gone from the support of her community and two men to no community and zero men, and she may suddenly want to reconcile.
> 
> What then?


What then is that she is no longer his problem. Too bad so sad. 


Rip I admire the way you are handling things, and add me to the list advocating telling your kids as soon as you can. If they find out from anyone else, they are going to be shattered that you kept it from them. Telling them isn't revenge, its respecting their right to know.


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## JohnA

One final note. I sense you strive to inform your life though your faith. I also sense by your word choice you are Christian (church vs temple, etc).

While your faith may celebrate and encourage you to work for resurrection, renewal and forgiveness - it does not support being a schmuck.


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## Riptide

Yes I am leaning towards letting them know, sooner than later. Just need to figure out the words and if I should go out of my way to visit the older boys for the specific reason of telling them or just invite them over and end our visit with that news. 

I am hopeful that we can solve this through mediation. I told her I would like this settled before Christmas and she was receptive. I am proposing turning over a majority of our retirement portfolio and I keep the marital home and most of our debt to achieve 50/50 split then decide on a monthly alimony that we both know what I can afford. She seemed ok with that but is concerned the retirement portfolio won't allow her to buy her own house which is not really my problem. There would be enough cash that I give her as part of the split that she would have a healthy down payment down the road and it sounds like some of our retirement portfolio that isn't locked she could use some of that as well. I am hoping to get the financial piece to all of this resolved quickly.

I know I am going through with separation and divorce no matter what. Even if she did do a 180 next week, I could never take back a person I no longer trust or respect.


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## Marc878

I would be concerned about how my kids looked at this. Hiding the truth is almost like lying to them. 

Kids should have respect for their father as well. It seems like you are rolling over and doing nothing here. How will they look at this?

After your last comment on maybe reconciliation It appears you are trying to nice her back but I doubt that will work. 

Your actions show you are letting them rub your nose in it. Women find weakness very unattractive.

As for playing fair??? There is no playing fair from your WW or OM. He has nothing and will push her to take everything you've got. This is a big chance for OM!!!! You will see this later guaranteed.


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## Riptide

Marc878 - First of all its my wife's actions that are in question here. I am not the one who broke vows here nor am I the one who betrayed our family so we should put that in the right context. As I mentioned above, the truth will eventually come out.

I have no desire to win or nice her back so I don't see the point in trying to do anything other than get on with my life. My wife can think what she wants, if she finds my indifference to her unattractive I could care less. Everyone, including my wife can see how I have stepped up for my daughter, adjusted my work schedule so she can stay with me during the school week and take her to school each day, cook, clean and do all of the laundry. My daughter and I have always been close but we are even closer now and she will look back and see who was the one that stepped up for her during all of this.

I guess our next mediation appointment will reveal a lot. We are sitting down with our financial advisor on Saturday to discuss different options in dividing our investment portfolio. Once we determine what options there are we plan on putting together a joint proposal that we will submit to lawyers to finalize. I made it very clear that the house and equity are mine and she can have the investment portfolios as part of my payout. This appointment will reveal how easily a resolution will come to fruition


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## Marc878

I'm on your side believe me. 

Protect yourself. It's your life. 

What are you looking for here?

Most come looking for help, advice, opinions?

I once witnessed my dad put my mom in her place which was very unusual. It was 100% her fault. I didn't think he had it in him. I was just a kid but I was so proud of him for doing that. Respect from your kids is a good thing. 

I do hope it works out well for you.


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## LongWalk

Does or did your STBXW ever work?

You most definitely do not want your children asking you when OM came into the picture and have them go away from the conversation trying to construct a timeline of what caused their family to implode.

Your desire to keep the family home maybe wise. Your wife left you and the context of your children's upbringing. That will add to the sense of betrayal.

The idea that mom desires another man to lie a top her will not be pleasant for them. 

You are not in a rush to date and they will appreciate it.


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## sapientia

Try to get a cap on the alimony you pay. IMO, 45 is young enough to get a job of some kind. She can go to school, get a degree, in 5 years or less. Nursing, accounting.. lots of options that will provide stable employment.

I don't believe in alimony for life, regardless of the length of the marriage. Its demeaning to both people.


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## Riptide

To answer the first question - what am doing here? I guess there is a bit of the unknown of what lies ahead. To document my journey and seek advice as things arise. I do not expect this to be a linear journey nor a clean break as much as I want it to be. I really did struggle with my decision as to if/when if I should tell the kids or should I allow it to expose itself. I have gotten advice from both sides but I am leaning towards coming out and telling the kids. 

My STBW ex wife does work as an education assistant (teachers aid) and is trying to get a full time contract. She did have a contract last year. She knows she is going to have to get full time work.

Unfortunately, alimony is set by law here. If we don't figure out things through mediation, I could be on the hook for her for 12 years or half of our marriage (barring her becoming financially dependent with someone else or remarrying). Things are not in my favour by letter of the law unfortunately but she did indicate that she would not ask what the law says she is entitled to. I guess we will see. She did ask about moving up the separation date to allow D to finalize before the mandatory 12 months an I might use that as leverage and agree to do that if she doesn't ask for the moon.


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## JohnA

Moving up the separation a sure sign of the fog. Giving up current retirement funds in exchange for the home could well be the better finical option. If she does take this option what happens if she passes before 65 and is unmarried or married.


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## Chaparral

Check out dadsdivorce.com

Also google serial cheater.


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## Ynot

Riptide, I say this as someone who has been through a similar scenario, it is not enough for you to generally say you were not perfect. Take this opportunity to recognize exactly what you think your issues are/were and FIX THEM. Not for your STBXW but for you. I might have missed it, but I don't remember seeing any mention of what you have done to fix you.


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## Riptide

Good question regarding what would happen to the retirement fund in the event she passes before I do. I really don't know. Something to discuss once we get to the lawyers. I am sure she would be able to choose her beneficiaries as she pleases which I would assume and hope it would be the kids.

Yes, I do realize that I had a part in the marriage. I am an all around good guy and even she acknowledges this. I perhaps allowed things to slide and let distance grow between us this last year and did not share the how work was a struggle this year and was not as engaged in the marriage as I was post EA#1. But again, she did not attempt to let me know that she was feeling lonely and I thought since I was the primary pursuer the last 2 plus years that she knew I cared about her and we were solid enough to go through a dry patch. She does require a lot emotionally as is a self admitted co-dependant which explains why she did not reveal her unhappiness to me and desire to leave the marriage until she had the safety of finding another person to latch on to. She would not do well to be on her own.

I know that I can't assume things and I need to be more vocal in my feelings and not shut them in when I am under stress which this last year was. Her first EA was on the heels of a similar busy/hectic year at work and she felt neglected but dealing with it in the form of allowing someone else into a marriage before ending it is not the way to deal with things. I will need a woman that is more independent and does not require constant validation but at the same time, I do need to work on my communication skills better and show more affection regardless of my work or stress level. I cannot allow complacency or taking each other for granted to set in a relationship. I vow to be better and I hope I can live up to my promise I made to myself


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## sapientia

Sometimes, Riptide, good people simply grow apart. My marriage ended after almost 20 years. We were young and dumb and grew up into very different people. Our divorce was civil and we get on very well as co-parents. I'm now remarried in a very mature, loving relationship, so good things can come from difficult change.

Divorce need not be acrimonious. You won't read about it often on this site, but it is possible. Hold to fairness, look to the longterm, stay respectful even if its hard to do. 

My ex got the primary residence, he bought me out and we split our assets and investments. I declined alimony even though I was technically entitled to it. I didn't need it, however, so I signed my right to it away in the agreement. My exH can never say I treated him unfairly, and our son benefits from our civil interactions.

Don't give away too much, but be prepared to give a little to get a little.

Wishing you peace.


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## JohnA

Hi rip,

My understanding is:

If there is any residue left from the retirement fund in the event of death your divorce settlement can include ann agreement how it is distributed. A divorce settlement can also include provisions for mandatory life insurance with the payout schedule. Consenting parties can agree to anything they want. If there is no agreement then state laws are applied.


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## ThreeStrikes

In your State, if your ex co-habitates with another man, is that grounds to terminate alimony?

It is in mine.


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## Riptide

Thank you Sapentia - I hope my wife proves to be as amicable as she said she would be as it comes to finances but it appears that just splitting things 50/50 and giving her enough monthly to pay her rent is unsatisfactory. She seems to think she is entitled to more of my monthly income on top of giving her over 80K on top of 50/50. I am able to provide her rental income but she has it in her head that she deserves a house with a healthy mortgage that I should help her pay. She only work part time at the moment so she is a bit delusional. She is not financially savvy to begin with but I think her OM (divorced living in basement suite) might be filling her head.

Yes, I believe that if my wife co-habitates with another person then that would terminate the alimony.


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## Marc878

Riptide said:


> Thank you Sapentia - I hope my wife proves to be as amicable as she said she would be as it comes to finances but it appears that just splitting things 50/50 and giving her enough monthly to pay her rent is unsatisfactory. She seems to think she is entitled to more of my monthly income on top of giving her over 80K on top of 50/50. I am able to provide her rental income but she has it in her head that she deserves a house with a healthy mortgage that I should help her pay. She only work part time at the moment so she is a bit delusional. She is not financially savvy to begin with but I think her OM (divorced living in basement suite) might be filling her head.
> 
> Yes, I believe that if my wife co-habitates with another person then that would terminate the alimony.



She will try and take everything she can get. The OM has nothing and this is big for him. You can hope for her to be reasonable but she's a selfish cheater. You had better be prepared for what's coming at you.


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## tom67

Marc878 said:


> She will try and take everything she can get. The OM has nothing and this is big for him. You can hope for her to be reasonable but she's a selfish cheater. You had better be prepared for what's coming at you.


:iagree::iagree::iagree::banghead::banghead:


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## JohnA

Rip, your last post shot a red flare into the sky. Fair in who's mind? Peope in the fog are always moving the goal posts. You need a nuclear plan B. Go mediation, but have an attorney prep you first and guide you every step of the way. 

You also need to expose her actions to your pastor and any church elders he may suggest. If you are Christian I would advise a shepard can only protect his flock from dangers he knows. I would also he can only help her if he knows the truth. 

Your friends can only protect and help you if they know the truth. There is a lot of debate about exposing. While taking an ad in the local paper if out of bounds, at this point my suggestion is solid. 

What do you know of the OM. Dig, dig, dig. Why is he renting a basement apartment? Why did he divorce? Look he is advising her on the settlement, your WS is looking to bring him into your children's life, be prepared.


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## Marc878

JohnA said:


> Rip, your last post shot a red flare into the sky. Fair in who's mind? Peope in the fog are always moving the goal posts. You need a nuclear plan B. Go mediation, but have an attorney prep you first and guide you every step of the way.
> 
> You also need to expose her actions to your pastor and any church elders he may suggest. If you are Christian I would advise a shepard can only protect his flock from dangers he knows. I would also he can only help her if he knows the truth.
> 
> Your friends can only protect and help you if they know the truth. There is a lot of debate about exposing. While taking an ad in the local paper if out of bounds, at this point my suggestion is solid.
> 
> What do you know of the OM. Dig, dig, dig. Why is he renting a basement apartment? Why did he divorce? Look he is advising her on the settlement, your WS is looking to bring him into your children's life, be prepared.


He doesn't want to see this. He's hoping she's going to play nice. We all know how that turns out. Maybe he'll wake up in time but......


----------



## JohnA

I think he is on the fence. I sense he knows how to protect himself but is hopeful that he does not have to do what he knows in his head will need to be done. 

Note I did not say expose to the kids at this point. Only to those who can shelter him as hurt dude's sister and family have protect him. Although hurt dude's DDay was two weeks before the wedding.


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## Ynot

Riptide, your marriage is over. Stop worrying about saving face and start taking actions to make yourself happy. So far all I have read is your desire to protect your image, since you know, you are an all around good guy. Try being good to yourself for a change and stop worrying about what she wants, your pastor wants, or what your church wants.


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## sapientia

Riptide said:


> Thank you Sapentia - I hope my wife proves to be as amicable as she said she would be as it comes to finances but it appears that just splitting things 50/50 and giving her enough monthly to pay her rent is unsatisfactory. She seems to think she is entitled to more of my monthly income on top of giving her over 80K on top of 50/50. I am able to provide her rental income but she has it in her head that she deserves a house with a healthy mortgage that I should help her pay. She only work part time at the moment so she is a bit delusional. She is not financially savvy to begin with but I think her OM (divorced living in basement suite) might be filling her head.
> 
> Yes, I believe that if my wife co-habitates with another person then that would terminate the alimony.


Make sure you get a good lawyer. You are both still quite young and, unless she is physically incapable, she can get a full time job.

The decrease in her standard of living is the price she pays for divorcing you, the major breadwinner. Her lifestyle with you is a privilege, not a right. You signed on to a marriage/partnership, not taking care of a dependent for the rest of your life. Good luck.


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## Riptide

Yes, I made an appointment for my own lawyer for this Friday. I will be the one drafting up the first proposal to send to her lawyer. Going into this I was hoping if I offered her my best offer from the start and something that was very fair it done quickly. After our conversation last week, I will have to consider offering her less than I was initially going to in order to leave room for negotiation. I had a very good proposal that would cover her retirement as well as she would not have to worry about rental income for the next few years that was not met with much support. Now I am worried if I give her my best offer (which is very fair and more than she deserves considering she walked out and I have our daughter 54 days a week) she will use that as the starting point of negotiation which it will not be.


----------



## Gloomy

Marc878 said:


> You need to read up on No More Mr Nice Guy. If not for now for your future. Women find that very unattractive.


No, this is not true - I would LOVE to have a Mr. Nice Guy!! I am dealing with a swinger right now...I want "nice" !!


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## Riptide

Considering I have a lawyer appointment on Friday, I asked my STBXW about the framework of alimony after we split our finances 50/50 which leaves her a pretty healthy retirement portfolio plus enough free cash to not have to worry about rent for the next few years. I asked her if she would prefer the vehicle I bought for her a couple of years ago if I paid out the loan or give her the cash to buy her own and/or pocket the cash if she doesn't use all of the money to but a new vehicle. On top of this and another bit of cash to cover 2 more years of rent I offer a moderate monthly alimony payment that exactly covers her rent (minus bills etc) in the hopes that we can resolve this in one shot. She indicated that she would prefer a one time lump sum payment instead of a monthly alimony payment where as my offer was a compromise of a moderate lump sum payment plus a monthly payment that I could live with and covers her basic rent. I asked she give me a more exact figure of what that one lump payment would be and did not respond. Later in the day the subject of moving up the separation date came up in order to expedite the 12 month separation period that is required before a divorce can be finalized and she indicated that she would prefer that. Well, I basically told her that knowing she is in a hurry to D so she can "morally" consummate her relationship with OM that I am not going to give her the one time payment to support her new man who is divorced and living in a basement suite. Apparently as a Christian, she is withholding a sexual relationship until marriage so she is obviously wanting to divorce sooner than later which is fine by me actually


I also told her it is about time we tell the kids about this guy as I have been told that they were seen in the church parking lot with arms locked so if she was worried about respecting the kids, she should have been somewhat more discreet and not embarrassing herself like this. Anyways, things are about to get more interesting. It is unfortunate though as I was willing to take the high road, give her a fair deal for now and the future but her greed and lack of morality has killed any goodwill that I had to end this as nice as possible. Also, the kids are about to find out that mom has a boyfriend and did have prior to our separation. Maybe she might accept my deal now that she knows I have her figured and she does want to get remarried sooner than later and there is no way I am going to pay a huge alimony payment to cover their future house which he can't provide for her.


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## Riptide

I actually don't even care if she is in a hurry to marry this guy, actually the sooner the better as I can be off the hook for alimony sooner. The sticky issue is not dividing our assets 50/50 but how to proceed with alimony after we achieve that. By playing her cards that she wants to move up separation, why would I be so dumb to pay a hefty lump sum alimony payment instead of doing a monthly payment which would cease upon her getting remarried. This development in my opinion actually is a good thing....I hope anyways. This has stirred the pot a bit I am sure but whatever. She has every opportunity to exit this marriage with some integrity and class but she chose not to


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## Marc878

Riptide,

The OM will not marry her. He will squeeze every drop of $'s he can get out of you. This is his big chance. He has nothing. Your ex will happily comply.

She has proven she has no morals and has been consummating this affair since day one. Whenever that was.


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## Riptide

Yes that could be true as well. If she believes otherwise and knows that I am on to her fantasy, I am hoping she will see that it would dumb on my part to give her a large settlement just to get out of monthly payments. I think I might be wiser to do the mandatory 50/50 split and offer her just monthly and just watch the show unfold. 

You are right about morals. I laugh to myself when she says she is not giving away sex before marriage this time (like she did with me when we were both young). No but committing adultery is still ok though right? Dopamine - what a drug


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## Marc878

Give them what you want when you want or let them stew. It's worth the intertainment value.

How did she take the exposure hint? I wish you could find a better way out of this.

Ugh!!!!! He'll probably run thru with everything. He is poor for a reason. Obviously the church isn't much or they'd step in and move them out.


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## JohnA

Have you talked with your pastor and church elders? 

Her not having sex is a joke. 

She should by suggesting a lump sum, not you. You are right that time works for you. 

Great to see you starting to get off the fence. You need to memorise "you fired me and I am neither working for free or rehiring." and the biggie "regretfully this is really something you need to discuss with OM"


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## Spotthedeaddog

Gloomy said:


> No, this is not true - I would LOVE to have a Mr. Nice Guy!! I am dealing with a swinger right now...I want "nice" !!


read the book, no you dont.


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## sapientia

Good for you on the 50/50 agreement. Really, why should she expect anything more?

She wants the lump sum because she's figured out that alimony payments end the moment she marries or is common-law with a new guy.

Stick to the high road. Speaking from experience: be careful of laywers, they sometimes make the process more adversarial than it needs to be. If you need to give up a bit more to get her to sign the agreement quickly, do so but not too much.

My divorce was quick and clean, but I put the brakes on my lawyer, who really wanted me to fight for alimony. It wasn't worth it for a 30k difference in salary which actually flipped within 2 years of our split. Alimony, like child support, can go both ways, remember. I could have been paying my ex alimony now if I had insisted on it.

Also, make sure you get the parenting arrangement locked up tight. Agree to a specific schedule, holidays, school holidays, moving clauses, etc. You may think you don't need it now, but you never know down the road.


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## arbitrator

Riptide said:


> So where to start. Married 23 years , 3 kids with a 14 year old daughter that lives with me most of the time. I am a typical hard working, loyal Mr Nice Guys (not perfect of course but did not deserve this). Wife informed me that she was done with the marriage (to pursue another love interest) and she moved out 7 weeks ago. We moved her into an apartment where I have given her enough rental income to get by the next year while we sort out the separation and divorce proceedings. I plan on keeping the marital home and having my daughter stay with me during the week and visit the wife on weekends which has been the case so far.
> Never though my marriage would fall apart so quickly and under these circumstances. She was the classic "grew up in a Christian home, seemingly had a strong moral compass. Met this OM at a church function of all places but I guess that type of thing can happen anywhere
> 
> Obviously the first month was hell (lost appetite, weight, trouble sleeping but slowly coming around and realizing that I could never take her back even if she did a 180 and changed her mind.
> 
> Anyways just thought I would post and discuss with others that have gone through the same and what I can expect (emotionally and otherwise) over the next while. I have certainly gone from disbelief, despair, thinking I can't start over at age 45 to acceptance (slowly) and realizing that the damage that was done and how it was done is irreparable from my POV that I have no choice to move on...whatever that looks like


*As sad as it is to say, churches have more than their fair share of hellbent patrons! I would expose them both to the leadership of the church as well as to her immediate family!

And get yourself a "piranha" lawyer to further make her life as miserable as possible!

You simply don't deserve what she's putting you through! To hell with her, you take care of that family of yours ~ they are looking to you for your emotional support ~ and certainly not hers!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Riptide

My lawyer appointment is later this afternoon. I hope to have a proposal to send her way and get this done quickly. It has only been a few months since she walked out by I just want closure. I know I will never be able to trust her ever again so I am looking forward to being on the other side of this part of the process. As distasteful as it seems, I just want it done.


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## Riptide

Well a surprising an interesting development. Literally an hour before my lawyer appointment (she knew I had one) she finally texted me asking if I would be interested in what she would be hoping for in a settlement (Finally). Up until then all I heard is what her lawyer told her she could easily get if she wanted to rake me over the coals. Anyways, her proposal was not too bad actually. It is a bit more money upfront than I was planning but had no future alimony payments so actually I was pleasantly surprised. 

I discussed her text with my lawyer and he said if she is willing to do that proposal I should take it because being married for 23 years and me being the primary breadwinner, I could be on the hook for a lot more and a long time with monthly alimony if she were not to remarry or move in with someone else. So, it sounds like she sent her proposal to her lawyer, I am hoping her actual proposal is what she indicated via text because we could get this done rather quickly and I can get some much needed closure. Fingers crossed

She also went on saying how much she was sorry she hurt me and would always care for me and I deserve all the happiness in the future so perhaps some guilt has set in. Perhaps taking the high road and playing with some actual genuine integrity might just pay off. Will wait though until all I's are dotted and T's crossed before I get too carried away though. I still need to see the actual proposal and sometimes the devil can be in the details but I am much more hopeful than I was a couple days ago


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## TeddieG

Riptide, I'm just now catching up your thread. You sound like you're in a great place and handling things well. Sorry about the church angle. You wouldn't believe how many times I've heard similar stories. Ugh. 

Keep us posted.


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## Marc878

Riptide said:


> Well a surprising an interesting development. Literally an hour before my lawyer appointment (she knew I had one) she finally texted me asking if I would be interested in what she would be hoping for in a settlement (Finally). Up until then all I heard is what her lawyer told her she could easily get if she wanted to rake me over the coals. Anyways, her proposal was not too bad actually. It is a bit more money upfront than I was planning but had no future alimony payments so actually I was pleasantly surprised. I think when I called her out on her desire to move up the separation date so she can "morally" move in with her OM once she remarries that she knew I wasn't going to give her the huge lump sum but rather a modest one with monthly support which would end once she and her OM move in.
> 
> I discussed her text with my lawyer and he said if she is willing to do that proposal I should take it because being married for 23 years and me being the primary breadwinner, I could be on the hook for a lot more and a long time with monthly alimony if she were not to remarry or move in with someone else. So, it sounds like she sent her proposal to her lawyer, including advancing the separation date up 6 months so we can finalize the divorce by March instead of September. I am hoping her actual proposal is what she indicated via text because we could get this done rather quickly and I can get some much needed closure. Fingers crossed
> 
> She also went on saying how much she was sorry she hurt me and would always care for me and I deserve all the happiness in the future so perhaps some guilt has set in. Perhaps taking the high road and playing with some actual genuine integrity might just pay off. Will wait though until all I's are dotted and T's crossed before I get too carried away though. I still need to see the actual proposal and sometimes the devil can be in the details but I am much more hopeful than I was a couple days ago


The quicker you get this behind you the better off you'll be. I do hope this works out great on your end. Still sorry you are here.


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## JohnA

As to her wishes for your future happiness, barfing here.

No she does not, it just her trying to show the world she really is not a posw. 

Now if the karma bus shows up on time in feb after the settlement is finalized she will catch the posm in bed with another posw and realize she took a lot less money for nothing.


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## Marc878

Your wife is low class with no morals. Her actions speak louder than words


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## Riptide

Yes, I am really hoping to just get this signed off and DONE. It seems like everything happened so fast from my POV (probably not so much with her as she knew long before I did what she was up to). Getting closure will be a big relief and will feel like I can move on...whatever that looks like. Thanks for every ones support so far and I will keep updating as things materialize. I am sure there will be a few bumps in the road ahead.


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## Marc878

Look at it like this and I think you are. The time spent is sunk, gone. What really matters is your future. No matter what living with this would almost be impossible now. 

Look to your future and what you can make your life into something you want.

Good luck in a speedy resolution


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## JohnA

Yes there will be bumps. My friend, Nancy, is still getting them one year post divorce. Neither the posm husband and his 20 year younger trophy wife can't understand why everyone can't just be one big happy family and co parent the 14 year old daughter together. Jesus what dumb fcks.

Two sentence answer. She has a mother, respect that. Don't ask me to validate your adultery. Both are show stoppers and work every time. 

Fellow poster care to share your bumps?


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## knobcreek

45 is the new 32, plenty young to start over and your kids are older and will be off with their life soon enough. Good riddance to bad rubbish. She's now cheated twice that you know of, a third, fourth, and fifth is inevitable.

My wife cheated once (that I know about) three years into our marriage, I left for two years and eventually reconciled when she begged me back and showed what I considered to be remorse and she understood how hurtful the affair was. But I would never entertain a reconciliation if she so much as engaged in an EA or one night stand. It would be over and I wouldn't look back at all.

You never get over an affair ever, our marriage will never be what it could've been and that is sad. You do never feel like the one to her anymore, you always feel like second fiddle and a fall back plan. Hindsight 20/20 I would've never went back all those years ago, but alas here I am.


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## turnera

Riptide said:


> She also went on saying how much she was sorry she hurt me and would always care for me and I deserve all the happiness in the future so perhaps some guilt has set in.


Nah, that's Cheaterspeak. Every cheater says that.


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## Riptide

Hi Turnera - yes you are probably right. I heard the words but really they are just that ...just empty words. So far no real news or update. Still waiting to hear back from her lawyer as to a settlement agreement proposal. Sounds like she has an appointment next week. Sure would be nice to have everything signed off before Christmas but holy cow that is like 36 days away. Looking forward to 2016. 2015 really sucked... LOL


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## Marc878

Riptide, 

Look at the bright side of this. You don't have to get her a Christmas gift this year!!!!!!

You gotta look for those little spots of happiness where you find them. 😈

Trying to cheer you up! Hope it's smoother sailing for you.


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## Riptide

Yeah, that's the other thing. She asked if we could all do Christmas morning at my house with the kids. Hmmm. I would only be doing it for the kids. I am not sure what approach to take on that one. It would definitely be just for the kids. She would be doing her own thing with her OM later in the day so I don't know. I haven't answered yet


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## farsidejunky

I wouldn't. Don't set a precedent that you will later regret.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## Marc878

Riptide said:


> Yeah, that's the other thing. She asked if we could all do Christmas morning at my house with the kids. Hmmm. I would only be doing it for the kids. I am not sure what approach to take on that one. It would definitely be just for the kids. She would be doing her own thing with her OM later in the day so I don't know. I haven't answered yet


I wouldn't. She wanted separation give it to her. 

This is to smooth over her actions and make it look like you're ok with it. (Let's be friends so I can lessen any guilt feelings I may have) She's not your friend. Why involve yourself with her? She made it clear what she wants. 

I'd say I prefer my time with them and you can have yours. The less contact you have with her the better off you'll be. Have they been told yet?


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## Marc878

If you haven't told them yet. Be truthful. 

I'm sure she wants to try and make it look the best on her but the truth is the christian thing to do, right?


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## turnera

Riptide said:


> Yeah, that's the other thing. She asked if we could all do Christmas morning at my house with the kids. Hmmm. I would only be doing it for the kids. I am not sure what approach to take on that one. It would definitely be just for the kids. *She would be doing her own thing with her OM later in the day*


Not if this is happening, I wouldn't.

"Kids, your mom wants to be with her lover on Christmas day, so I don't feel up to pretending to be a complete family. We'll celebrate separately. If you want to see your mom, you can arrange that."


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## Marc878

turnera said:


> Not if this is happening, I wouldn't.
> 
> "Kids, your mom wants to be with her lover on Christmas day, so I don't feel up to pretending to be a complete family. We'll celebrate separately. If you want to see your mom, you can arrange that."


Perfect. 

Riptide, maybe it's time you actually tell it like it is. 

Why hide the truth?


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## Keepin-my-head-up

Here is what I learned and what I went thru.
Lots of things are going to hurt.
I took a date to a friggin Denny's and triggered.
It wasn't even the Denny's that we would go to!

Christmas will hurt, New Years, all special dates and places will hurt.
Most often though, they only hurt a few times, sometimes only once.
After that, your brain starts to move on.
It takes time but it does.

I also learned that you are the only one that can make yourself better.
People may empathize but no one is going to be losing sleep over this besides you.
Not your friends, counselor and especially not your ex.
You got to own the mind games.
You got to say screw that and take steps to beat them.
For me, I learned the guitar, gym, doing something every weekend I had my boys, hung out with friends and did things to make new ones.

You know what won't help?
Pretending that you and your stbxw are still married and having Christmas together.
You may feel happy at that moment but that will only make the crash harder when she runs off to the OM.

I also learned that when it was time to mourn I mourned.
While doing so, just know that no one really wants to throw you a pity party when you do it.
Think to yourself that your former loser isn't mourning with or for you.
Your kids are helpless in counseling you.
Their company is the only thing that they can offer you and it is effective as hell if you let it be.

There are times when you need to just let it out and be sad, scream, cry, etc...
All those other times when you feel a little down you just tell yourself that she ain't worth it!
She ain't worth ruining a day for anymore!
Talk less to her.
Treat yourself better more.
Every time you start missing her, start thinking of all the terrible things she did to you.
Get mad at that. Than start thinking of what you are going to do now to improve yourself and focus on that.
It takes time my friend, but the marriage is dead so what else you got besides you, your kids and time?


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## JohnA

She is once again not being fair to you. She is once again attempting to cake eat and get you to buy the cake. If you want to take the high road say:

"the choices you have made have ended a chapter in both of our lives. Your decision has and is causing me great grief at the loss of my marriage. This is a time of grieving and attempting to gain acceptance of the death of a marriage. Your request shows a lack of empathy and shows a lack of consideration of my loss. I cannot agree at this time."


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## Chaparral

a simple "we've got other plans" works great too.


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## Marc878

Please download and read

"No more mr. nice guy pdf"


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## Why Not Be Happy?

Any updates?


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## Riptide

Kids know about OM now.

Unfortunately, her lawyer appointment to draft up a proposal we discussed got postponed twice. Now looking at early next week to get in. I was really hoping to have a settlement signed before Christmas but that most certainly will not happen. Oh well, lets aim for early 2016. I just want it done.

Yes, I have decided to not do a joint Christmas. She can have her own with her OM and let the kids decide if they want to join her or not. They are old enough to decide


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## Marc878

Riptide said:


> Kids know about OM now.
> 
> Unfortunately, her lawyer appointment to draft up a proposal we discussed got postponed twice. Now looking at early next week to get in. I was really hoping to have a settlement signed before Christmas but that most certainly will not happen. Oh well, lets aim for early 2016. I just want it done.
> 
> Yes, I have decided to not do a joint Christmas. She can have her own with her OM and let the kids decide if they want to join her or not. They are old enough to decide


Did you finally tell them? How did they take it? 

How's she taking things?

Glad you did Christmas separate. You're getting divorced. She's trying to be a cake eater you know.

Have a good Christmas.


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## Riptide

The kids know about OM..it came out on its own but once it did come out I let them know that the relationship preceded her moving out. The kids are naturally shocked by it. 

When I told the ex about not wanting to do Christmas together with her and the kids (just the kids) ...well she got absolutely pissed. Got text after text and she hinted that our separation agreement that we discussed could change before her lawyer appointment...which apparently got delayed for a 3rd time last week.

We had our company Christmas party on the weekend. It was the most fun I had at one of those. I was able to mingle with everybody, let loose a little and go from one table to another like a free man. Normally, I would have to stay at one table with the wife as she would get miffed if I would get up and socialize and leave our table. This year, no such restrictions and it was a blast. I had a couple of female co-workers tell me they had some girlfriends in mind that they would like to introduce me too at some point when I am ready. I think I will do that on my own terms and timeline but I must admit, I was flattered that some of my coworkers thought I was worthy of being introduced to their girl friends. I am also not looking to just date a whole bunch of different women either and try on multiple relationships to make up for lost time in marrying young so something best left to my own device but again, it was nice to be thought of in that regard. It was a nice compliment and took it as such with a smile.


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## Marc878

Good for you. Maybe things are looking up.

Nice job on keeping Christmas separate and informing the kids.


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## bandit.45

Tell the ladies at the office thanks but no thank you on their attempts to play Cupid and set you up. Do not make yourself a sideshow attraction for their entertainment. Stay the hell away from that. 

Good job of shoving your WW's hypocrisy back down her throat. I loved her veiled threat of reneging on the agreement just because you won't do what she wants. What a harpie. I would threaten her back and tell her you will have no issue letting her pastor and church know that she is living in adultery. See how she reacts to that. 

Does her pastor and church know yet?


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## Marc878

Riptide said:


> The kids know about OM..it came out on its own but once it did come out I let them know that the relationship preceded her moving out. The kids are naturally shocked by it.
> 
> When I told the ex about not doing Christmas together with the kids...well she got absolutely pissed. Got text after text and she hinted that our separation agreement that we discussed could change before her lawyer appointment...which apparently got delayed for a 3rd time last week.
> 
> We had our company Christmas party on the weekend. It was the most fun I had at one of those. I was able to mingle with everybody, let loose a little and go from one table to another like a free man. Normally, I would have to stay at one table with the wife as she would get miffed if I would get up and socialize and leave our table. This year, no such restrictions and it was a blast. Even had some female co-workers tell me they had some people in mind that they would like to introduce me too at some point when I am ready. Maybe in a few months...just getting used to being alone and actually liking it somewhat now....of course I still have my daughter during the week so not entirely alone but you know what I mean. Although I must admit to missing some female company, just not that ready.


Riptide may be a ladies man just waiting to be unleashed!

I'd go fast and furious. Full speed ahead.


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## Riptide

Well its been a awhile since my last post. In the last few months I have been getting more engaged with my family back home and getting out and doing things with friends and expanding my social network in addition to spending time raising my daughter. In the last month I just started dating a lady that I have been enjoying spending time with and getting to know. Coincidentally this past week my ex informs me that she has ended her relationship with her OM and is texting me daily more or less telling me how regretful she is and how she realizes the qualities I have that she took for granted are not easily replaced yadda yadda .......

As much as I wish it never came to this in the first place and I would like to have my family whole, I know that starting over with her is not something I can consider. That would require opening up a lot of wounds that I have worked hard in dealing with the last year and then at the end of the day I would be left with a spouse I could never trust or be convinced her heart is where a wife's needs to be for anything to work. I now find myself feeling guilty about my new relationship which I am not sure why. Perhaps I felt it easier to move on while she was engaged in activities with her OM and I had no other choice to move on. Now that there seems to be a choice, I feel that I am the one that is disappointing my kids and putting the final nail in the coffin. It was much easier a few days ago when she was still with her OM. How messed up is that? And no, I have no intention of breaking it off with my new lady friend. This new development just makes me feel like the bad guy just when it started to feel like I was starting to find my feet again. FML


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## Marc878

Look man she put you through hell cheated on you with another man. Lied about it. This is your life no one else's. You have gotten yourself in a good place. Why feel guilty? You deserve this.

Your kids nor anyone else had to go through what you did. Did they? It's not their decision it's yours. Many who stay live to regret having to live with that long term.

You are smart and got tough. Stay there and continue on with the divorce and a new life. You could always date her if this other woman doesn't work out. 

You might have a better woman. Why take other mans left overs?

Never be a doormat or plan B. You're worth more than that!!!!!


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## JohnA

Hi riptide 

I chose to like your last post as it showed a man accepting reality and rebuilding his life one step at a time. 

As to your feelings towards the ex, I appreciate your mix feelings. Be kind and thoughtful of yourself first than your ex. Your posts consistently showed a person who put others first, at tmes to their own determent. But now is the time to to first consider your needs, wants, and dreams.

You need to be firm with her that you have no wish to open old wounds. If she really pushes you ask her what are triggers, what are mind movies, what is rugsweeping and tell her she has no idea of what reconcilation takes until she does explain them.


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## farsidejunky

That is normal, Riptide. It is more evidence that you are a good man.

But haven't you allowed her to do enough? To you? To your kids? Hasn't she wrought enough damage in her selfishness?

Why would you give her an opportunity to exact more? 

If you have some spare time, I want you to look up a thread. It is by @Hantei and has some similarities to yours. 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/320049-i-dont-know-what-would-right-title.html

Keep being great, Riptide, without your ex. 

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## Chaparral

You should not feel bad at all. Her actions tell you who she really was all along. Also there is a high probability, her being a serial cheater, that there are other mennin the woodpile you know nothing about.

She is simply reaping what she sowed. Thats a Bible verse she needs to memorize.


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## GusPolinski

Aside from whatever "guilt" you may feel (which is bullsh*t, by the way), your head is in a good place.

Stay the course.

ETA: Was your divorce ever finalized?


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## ButtPunch

Riptide said:


> Well its been a awhile since my last post. In the last few months I have been getting more engaged with my family back home and getting out and doing things with friends and expanding my social network in addition to spending time raising my daughter. In the last month I just started dating a lady that I have been enjoying spending time with and getting to know. Coincidentally this past week my ex informs me that she has ended her relationship with her OM and is texting me daily more or less telling me how regretful she is and how she realizes the qualities I have that she took for granted are not easily replaced yadda yadda .......
> 
> As much as I wish it never came to this in the first place and I would like to have my family whole, I know that starting over with her is not something I can consider. That would require opening up a lot of wounds that I have worked hard in dealing with the last year and then at the end of the day I would be left with a spouse I could never trust or be convinced her heart is where a wife's needs to be for anything to work. I now find myself feeling guilty about my new relationship which I am not sure why. Perhaps I felt it easier to move on while she was engaged in activities with her OM and I had no other choice to move on. Now that there seems to be a choice, I feel that I am the one that is disappointing my kids and putting the final nail in the coffin. It was much easier a few days ago when she was still with her OM. How messed up is that? And no, I have no intention of breaking it off with my new lady friend. This new development just makes me feel like the bad guy just when it started to feel like I was starting to find my feet again. FML


You tell her that door has closed.

That ship has sailed.

Do not feel bad because she made bad choices.

Plan B you are not.


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## Lostinthought61

Rip, there is NO choice, the choice was made when she left you for the OM, she made the choice you had to live with the carnage, you had to pick up and move on...she made her choice and now you are moving on, she does not have the right to come back and tell you that she made a mistake after she gets dumped...that is all on her, you are not moving on as potential Plan A with this new woman, or another woman if this does not work out....but you would always be Plan B for your ex.


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## Evinrude58

For the love of God, please don't falter. This woman ripped your heart, your dreams of a complete family, and your nuts by cheating. NOW she feels bad and misses her plan b'd husband? Wants the security he offered??????

wtf would you even CONSIDER letting her back in your life????

Feel good that you've been shown what kind of husband you were(she wants you back). And feel good about slamming the door in her face (she deserves it badly), and feel good the albatross is no longer firmly anchored around your neck.

Move on, sir. A new dawn awakens for you with a good, loyal woman.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 3Xnocharm

Good for you, but stop engaging her. Let her know to only contact you via text or email, and ONLY about your daughter. Should she deviate from from the subject, cut her off and stop replying. Im happy to read that things are going well for you!


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## threelittlestars

wow! 

Surprise! She now wants to go to plan B! 

Man, you are right. DONT BUDGE. see where your relationship goes with this woman and if it does not work out MAYBE you might try with her. Have her be YOUR plan B. and let her know it! 

Oiy. Karma bus is swinging by!


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## Riptide

Thank you all for the sound advice and reinforcing of what I know is the right choice which is to stay on the path that I was already on in moving forward and proceed with D. I did have a great weekend with my girlfriend as we went out of town and took in some events at a local festival. Needless to say when some photos of us together got posted on Facebook it sparked more outpouring of text messages from the ex detailing how devastated she is seeing me with someone else in an attempt to instill some guilt and plant the seed of reconciliation. Her messages were filled with regret of what she had done mixed in with bitterness that I seemed to find happiness with someone else and saying things that the person she sees from afar with someone else is now the man of her dreams. I am fearful however that she might be more demanding in her terms of finalizing our divorce and not agree to the things we verbally agreed to earlier as reality is sinking in at all levels. I guess time will tell but I would not be surprised that she now might suddenly increase her demands in a final attempt to hang on and make the road to divorce more complicated than when she was in la-la land with her OM.


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## JohnA

I thought the details of the divorce where hammered out and you where just is the waiting phase for the divorce to be finalized. Please clarify what points might pop up. 

As to her statements, stay the calm guy who first started posting here. He was a cool guy who handled himself well when life served up a shyt sandwich. I admire that guy, not because he was a hard ass but because he kept his cool, came up with a plan and fought his way out of limbo. 

Reconcile or not, stay that guy.


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## Marc878

This is your chance to make your life what you want. She took herself out of that equation by showing you who she really was.

I'd tell her we'll both be fine in the end but the train already left the station.


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## GusPolinski

Riptide said:


> Thank you all for the sound advice and reinforcing of what I know is the right choice which is to stay on the path that I was already on in moving forward and proceed with D. I did have a great weekend with my girlfriend as we went out of town and took in some events at a local festival. Needless to say when some photos of us together got posted on Facebook it sparked more outpouring of text messages from the ex detailing how devastated she is seeing me with someone else in an attempt to instill some guilt and plant the seed of reconciliation. Her messages were filled with regret of what she had done mixed in with bitterness that I seemed to find happiness with someone else and saying things that the person she sees from afar with someone else is now the man of her dreams. I am fearful however that she might be more demanding in her terms of finalizing our divorce and not agree to the things we verbally agreed to earlier as reality is sinking in at all levels. I guess time will tell but I would not be surprised that she now might suddenly increase her demands in a final attempt to hang on and make the road to divorce more complicated than when she was in la-la land with her OM.


Push forward w/ the divorce. If she keeps up w/ the bullsh*t, just grease the wheels a bit w/ something like this...

"Look, our time together has come and gone. It's done. No hard feelings or anything, it just is what it is. Time and time again, you've shown me that I'm just not the right guy for you. There's no shame in either of us admitting that. And if you'll step back and be honest with yourself... well, you _know_ it's true.

You don't want me, you just want 'familiar', and I'm sorry, but 'familiar' just isn't enough to sustain the kind of relationship that I want for us to model for our kids going forward.

I want _both_ of us to be happy. We both deserve that, and so do our kids. But we're not going to be happy together."

...or whatever. Ham it up all you like.

If you don't have kids (sorry, can't remember) then take the kid stuff out.

:smthumbup:
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Openminded

Unfortunately for you, she's out of the infatuation fog before the divorce is done. I always hope cheaters stay deep in the fog until the betrayed spouse is totally free and living their new life and couldn't care less. That way the betrayed spouse is less tempted to give any weight to a cheater waking up and deciding they threw their life away (which they did) for a Plan A that didn't work out so now they want Plan B back. Ignore her unhappiness. She earned it.


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## Riptide

JohnA said:


> I thought the details of the divorce where hammered out and you where just is the waiting phase for the divorce to be finalized. Please clarify what points might pop up.
> 
> As to her statements, stay the calm guy who first started posting here. He was a cool guy who handled himself well when life served up a shyt sandwich. I admire that guy, not because he was a hard ass but because he kept his cool, came up with a plan and fought his way out of limbo.
> 
> Reconcile or not, stay that guy.


Thank you John A. I appreciate the kind words and support. My plan is to continue to keep moving forward 

As far as the divorce proceedings are concerned, we did conceptually agree to terms through our mediation awhile ago but nothing got signed off through lawyers. I had a proposal sent to her lawyer a few months ago based on what we agreed upon but her lawyer cancelled her appointments multiple times so she ended up getting a new one which delayed getting things signed off. Now I am concerned that she might not be as motivated to finalize the divorce and string things along. I wish that I was able to strike while the iron was hot but delays in her lawyer(s) prevented thins getting officially signed off.


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## sokillme

Riptide said:


> Coincidentally this past week my ex informs me that she has ended her relationship with her OM and is texting me daily more or less telling me how regretful she is and how she realizes the qualities I have that she took for granted are not easily replaced yadda yadda .......


It's always the same with these dummies. Don't take her back OP she is a silly person. She is like a teenager, I am sure she is also texting the other guy as well. 

Also don't feel bad about your kids OP, you didn't do it she did, plus 2 of them are grown.


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## JohnA

@OOEnminded you post brought to mine the exchange between jack nicklerson and shrilly McClain(?) 

As he walking down the front walk she says "would it mean anything if I said I love you" he respond "damn I almost got away clean". 

Rip, I don't suppose those papers carry any weight now?


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## Palodyne

Wow, just finished reading this thread. Your STBXW really put you through it. You have nothing to feel guilty about in any of this. Not even for finding a new girlfriend. Your STBXW has been in a relationship with another man for a year or more, and I doubt very seriously they were abstinent. 

I also find her timing very interesting. You find a girlfriend and less than a month later, STBXW is on the phone trying to get you back. Reminds you of a child no longer wanting to play with a toy, till it see's another kid pick it up, then the child wants it back. In dealing with her on this, follow what Gus lined out, I think he hit the nail on the head.

Your kids are not going to blame you for not taking her back. They know she is the one who left, they know she had another man starting from before your separation, they also know you are a principled man. I'm sure they realize that taking her back would not be possible. So don't worry about any of that. And your not driving any nails in your marriages coffin, STBXW drove all the nails herself over the last year. What kind of relationship do the kids have with your STBXW now that they everything?


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## Marc878

Riptide, divorces are expensive because they're worth it.

She'll be showing up on your doorstep next. Don't let her in or better yet have your new woman answer the door and tell her youre not available.

You could tell her if she'll honor the original settlement you'll give her a chance to win you back after. Just no guarantees as the competition is kinda heavy.


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## JohnA

One of the things that struck me about this thread is how much better men do if they stay in the home and keep primary custody of the children. It keeps them focused and rooted. Time and time again the threads I've read if the husband let's her move out of the house on day one, instead of trying to keep her in the home to save the marriage, wether they reconcile or not they heal much quicker. Also the wife is more likely to try reconcile at some point. 

So once again STAY IN THE HOME, LET HER LEAVE rings true.


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