# Advice on how to end it



## Indian_Nerd_Dad (Dec 23, 2021)

I am 48-year old male (separated for 1.5 years, officially divorced for 7 months from a 22-year relationship, 19-years married) in good physical health and fitness (5'9, 200 pounds, 24% body fat, regularly get compliments from women on how buff I look) and comfortably employed, living in my own house (still paying mortgage) and helping my only child with her college tuition (for another 3-years). 

I recently decided to get back into dating.

A 48-year old woman reached out to me on hinge and I went on a date with her. She was much heavier than her profile pics which had only her face in all the pictures (no full body shots). She was below average looking in-person, but a nice single lady, with 3 kids (ages 16, 20, and 24). The conversation with her was kinda boring but drinking and interacting with other random strangers in the bar and barkeeps made the evening a bit better. Long story short, we ended up having sex on our first date at her home.

The sex wasn't great -- I did not enjoy it, but she did seem to enjoy it.

All in all, I don't think this is the right person for me. How do I go about letting her know she is not it? Since I am new to this dating scene after nearly 25 years, I thought I would get some advice from this community. Here are some questions running through my head:

Should I just tell her that I don't think we are compatible right away or should I slowly disconnect over a few weeks?
Should I give it another couple of more dates (though my mind is kinda made up at this time)?
Should I just ghost her (which does not feel good/right to me)?
Should I do it in-person, over a text message, or over a meal?
Thank you all in advance for your thoughts and suggestions. Happy holidays to all of you.


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## Teacherwifemom (5 mo ago)

I realize that for you it’s not because she put out on the first date, but if she keeps doing that she might get used to this conversation. Or not. Maybe it’s been a while for her and that was her goal. I wouldn’t ghost her; that’s mean. You shouldn’t have slept with her knowing you weren’t coming back, so at least don’t ghost her. Consider that conversation your penance lol.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Just text her. "I really appreciate your interest and openness, but I'm not able to reciprocate it. Best of luck to you."


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

It sounds like she (indeed) did enjoy you and the sex.

Why did she have sex on the first date?

One guess-

She likes sex, and she believes her chance of getting a second date or third date and then sex (as is more normal) isn't working for her.

She may not have sex with every 1st date, you might have been the lucky exception.

I know, you do not feel lucky.

You should.

I agree, tell her nicely that you really enjoyed that first date.
And, that she is sweet, but that the two of you do not have enough in common.

There is no easy way to say goodbye.
The kindest way is best.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Indian_Nerd_Dad said:


> I am 48-year old male (separated for 1.5 years, officially divorced for 7 months from a 22-year relationship, 19-years married) in good physical health and fitness (5'9, 200 pounds, 24% body fat, regularly get compliments from women on how buff I look) and comfortably employed, living in my own house (still paying mortgage) and helping my only child with her college tuition (for another 3-years).
> 
> I recently decided to get back into dating.
> 
> ...


Yep you shouldn't have slept with her knowing you weren't interested. But you should let her know you are moving on. Ghosting is a **** move.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Beware of face-only photos going forward. That’s usually not accidental. Not to mention the use of filtering. That’s another story in itself.


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## Indian_Nerd_Dad (Dec 23, 2021)

Anastasia6 said:


> Yep you shouldn't have slept with her knowing you weren't interested.


Good point. But here is my side (maybe an excuse) -- I live a little college town and there aren't much options for a 30-mile radius around me. And I haven't had sex for 3-years. So I let my judgment slip up. Nope, alcohol had nothing to with my judgement lapse. Just my hormones.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Indian_Nerd_Dad said:


> Good point. But here is my side (maybe an excuse) -- I live a little college town and there aren't much options for a 30-mile radius around me. And I haven't had sex for 3-years. So I let my judgment slip up. Nope, alcohol had nothing to with my judgement lapse. Just my hormones.


So let me get this straight...Your excuse for using her is I was horny. And men wonder why women don't want sex 'soon' in dating. It's because men will use you which gives the impression they are into you and there will be more dating but nope... just horny.

See if you had told her at the table. You don't look like your picture. I don't think I will consider a second date you KNOW you probably wouldn't have gotten laid. So what did you tell her?

But I digress. Certainly you shouldn't drag it out. Just tell her you are moving on. It's the least you can do so she doesn't sit around for weeks hoping you'll call or thinking she has something. Making excuses for you like oh it's the holidays he's probably busy.


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## Indian_Nerd_Dad (Dec 23, 2021)

Openminded said:


> Beware of face-only photos going forward. That’s usually not accidental. Not to mention the use of filtering. That’s another story in itself.


I am learning to look deeper into pictures now as I am going to through hinge profiles. For some reason, in my area (south-west Ohio), hinge is only showing me heavyset women in the 35+ age range. I don't know if all the women in the 35+ age group are generally going to be on the heavier side; or if it is Hinge for some reason its algorithm has decided to show me only heavyset women; or only those women come on hinge. In any event, my hinge and bumble options seem very unhealthy. Why aren't there weight filters on these apps just like height filters?


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Indian_Nerd_Dad said:


> I am learning to look deeper into pictures now as I am going to through hinge profiles. For some reason, in my area (south-west Ohio), hinge is only showing me heavyset women in the 35+ age range. I don't know if all the women in the 35+ age group are generally going to be on the heavier side; or if it is Hinge for some reason its algorithm has decided to show me only heavyset women; or only those women come on hinge. In any event, my hinge and bumble options seem very unhealthy. Why aren't there weight filters on these apps just like height filters?


You are 48. In reality it should not be showing you 35 years old.

When it shows you a match does that mean the women have to have accepted? Or is it just a potential match. Cause it does seem odd they are all overweight UNLESS those are only the women who also chose you. It would mean you aren't as marketable as you thought.

Maybe meet people at your hobbies like a running group or the gym.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Indian_Nerd_Dad said:


> I am learning to look deeper into pictures now as I am going to through hinge profiles. For some reason, in my area (south-west Ohio), hinge is only showing me heavyset women in the 35+ age range. I don't know if all the women in the 35+ age group are generally going to be on the heavier side; or if it is Hinge for some reason its algorithm has decided to show me only heavyset women; or only those women come on hinge. In any event, my hinge and bumble options seem very unhealthy. Why aren't there weight filters on these apps just like height filters?


FYI. Bumble and Hinge's algorithms "learn" who to show you based on your swiping patterns, as well as the patterns of the women in your area. If the thin women in the area are swiping left on men with similar traits as you (height, lifestyle habits, race, etc), Bumble and Hinge won't even show them your profile. 

Instead of using online dating, I recommend you involve yourself in activity groups in your area. Join the types of groups that attract the kind of women you find attractive.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Indian_Nerd_Dad said:


> I am 48-year old male (separated for 1.5 years, officially divorced for 7 months from a 22-year relationship, 19-years married) in good physical health and fitness (5'9, 200 pounds, 24% body fat, regularly get compliments from women on how buff I look) and comfortably employed, living in my own house (still paying mortgage) and helping my only child with her college tuition (for another 3-years).
> 
> I recently decided to get back into dating.
> 
> ...


Be direct, be clear, be kind, be gentle, don't use soft words that could be misunderstood, and do it now.

“I’m really glad we met but this doesn't work for me so I’ll be moving on. I hope the very best for you.”


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## Indian_Nerd_Dad (Dec 23, 2021)

Anastasia6 said:


> So let me get this straight...Your excuse for using her is I was horny. And men wonder why women don't want sex 'soon' in dating. It's because men will use you which gives the impression they are into you and there will be more dating but nope... just horny.


From the tone of your message, I am guessing you are woman. 

Saying I "used her" is bull$hit. Like all women, she is an adult and she made her own choices. I am unapologetically a man and so what I am horny -- it is just a state of me. Are you going to now proclaim women are never horny and always have great judgment and are 100% committed to every marriage/relationship they are in? 



Anastasia6 said:


> See if you had told her at the table. You don't look like your picture. I don't think I will consider a second date you KNOW you probably wouldn't have gotten laid. So what did you tell her?


Yes, like you suggest, I could have been rude but I was not rude. Instead, we just made small talk about her family and a bit about her work. We never discussed any relationship or intentions type questions. Our text messages before the date were all about sexual innuendo, including taking her clothes off. Yes they were raunchy (but we hadn't met in-person) and she could have cut them off at any time; but instead she kept me going. No, there were no conversations about intentions or relationships from either side. 

Next, are you going to say that it is the men's fault that the woman never brought up any conversation about intentions or relationship, etc.?


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Indian_Nerd_Dad said:


> From the tone of your message, I am guessing you are woman.
> 
> Saying I "used her" is bull$hit. Like all women, she is an adult and she made her own choices. I am unapologetically a man and so what I am horny -- it is just a state of me. Are you going to now proclaim women are never horny and always have great judgment and are 100% committed to every marriage/relationship they are in?
> 
> ...


Well I am a woman. So now you are saying in these nude pictures she sent you that you couldn't ascertain she was overweight? I assume these nude pictures included more than just her face?

I am not saying every woman is 100% committed. I am saying if you are on a date and you don't like the person chances are they wouldn't invite you back to their place if they knew you didn't like them. But they invited you accepted. 

Either way. Again my advice is to let her know as someone else said in no uncertain terms you are moving on. You asked I answered.

ETA: that's some nice ******** you got going there. It's rude not to **** her is your theory? Or you could have said hey I"m down for going back to your place (or my place whichever) but I just want you to know up front it's just sex I don't think we are compatible. So she could have decided if she wanted a sexual only relationship.

On her hinge account did it say I"m only looking for sex? I bet not. But yeah it's on her that she thought a date and sex might mean a second date.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Indian_Nerd_Dad said:


> Saying I "used her" is bull$hit. Like all women, she is an adult and she made her own choices. I am unapologetically a man and so what I am horny -- it is just a state of me. Are you going to now proclaim women are never horny and always have great judgment and are 100% committed to every marriage/relationship they are in?



I'm not going to respond for @Anastasia6 but i will say it was rather ****ty of you to have sex with someone you weren't attracted to or even interested in, simply to satiate your lust. I would say the same of women who accept gifts, free meals, and/or financial help from men they don't find attractive or have no interest in dating. 

Voicing ones intentions is a two way street. Do you think that woman would have had sex with you if you told her you thought she was fat and ugly? I don't think many men would continue to give gifts, go on nice dates, or financial support a woman who told him there wasn't a chance in hell she was going to have sex with him.


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## Indian_Nerd_Dad (Dec 23, 2021)

Anastasia6 said:


> So now you are saying in these nude pictures she sent you that you couldn't ascertain she was overweight? I assume these nude pictures included more than just her face?


These were only text messages. No pictures or videos were exchanged.



Anastasia6 said:


> I am not saying every woman is 100% committed. I am saying if you are on a date and you don't like the person chances are they wouldn't invite you back to their place if they knew you didn't like them. But they invited you accepted.


Again, I was just being respectful and myself. Yes, you are correct -- she invited. Yes, I accepted. I take responsibility for my part of it. But saying "i used her" etc. is totally unwarranted.



Anastasia6 said:


> Either way. Again my advice is to let her know as someone else said in no uncertain terms you are moving on. You asked I answered.


Yes, your advice is good and I will take it into account. However, you did not just answer my question; but also made comments about "me using her" and men in general -- "_...because men will use you..._"; and that is the one I am pushing back on.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Indian_Nerd_Dad said:


> These were only text messages. No pictures or videos were exchanged.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Push all you want. Still gave her an experience she probably wouldn't have chosen if she knew the facts.


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## Indian_Nerd_Dad (Dec 23, 2021)

Anastasia6 said:


> Still gave her an experience she probably wouldn't have chosen if she knew the facts.


If she wanted to know the facts she would have asked and clarified it.

Or maybe you are just projecting or maybe you are fantasizing that you represent all women and know what every woman has in her mind. Enjoy your fantasy.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Indian_Nerd_Dad said:


> If she wanted to know the facts she would have asked and clarified it.
> 
> Or maybe you are just projecting or maybe you are fantasizing that you represent all women and know what every woman has in her mind. Enjoy your fantasy.


yep so you tell her yet?


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Anastasia6 said:


> Push all you want. Still gave her an experience she probably wouldn't have chosen if she knew the facts.





Indian_Nerd_Dad said:


> Yes, you are correct -- she invited. Yes, I accepted.


Sounds like she used him to me.


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## Indian_Nerd_Dad (Dec 23, 2021)

Lila said:


> Voicing ones intentions is a two way street.


Yes, I agree, it is a 2 way street. So here is the intention message that we gave each other -- 

She initiated the connection
We had raunchy text conversations (no pictures or videos were exchanged) fully of sexual innuendo including me removing her clothes etc.,
she asked that I pick her up at her house on the 1st date
She assured me that her kids were going to be out at night as she had worked it out (not sure exactly what she worked out but I never saw or even heard anyone else at home), So she setup her home for us to be alone.
She also informed me that she had already taken the day off from work the next day so we could stay up late. So she had even worked out her work schedule the next day with her plans in mind.
Shew asked me back to her home and cuddled with me (I sat on a couch across her) and started making out with me 
She assured me several times she was fine with having sex before and during the intercourse. 
Not once she asked me about relationship or any thing else about me -- zero questions about me. z-e-r-o questions about me or any other relationship-type plans. Only sexual conversations or general small talk.
So from my end, her intentions were clear. AFAIK, she had made all arrangements up front to have a good time and I did my best to give her a good time (I spent nearly $300/- on the date if you want to put a monetary figure on it, including getting her roses (no, i had not seen her in-person before), her kids expensive french macaroons, and even her dog some treats). 

Conversely, here is a different situation -- 2 weeks ago I had a date with a totally different woman. We chatted, spoke on the phone. Then met for a date which went well. We were hands on each other during the date. Then she invited me back to her home. Turned out this 43-year old was living with her dad and was between jobs (I am assuming broke as well). She asked me to hangout until her dad went to bed. But I realized it was a bad idea and I made some excuse about work the next day and got the hell out of there. In this case, I recognized that this woman may be a bit desperate and so I used my better judgement and got the hell out. Different intentions and/or circumstances.

Not sure why, but to me it seems like people seem to typically just trash men while putting women on pedestals as saints and martyrs.


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## gold5932 (Jun 10, 2020)

What is the problem? You are both adults and wanted sex.


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## Exit37 (3 mo ago)

OP, she determined that you were going to be her stunt d!ck for the night, sight unseen. Nothing to feel bad about, unless you have an issue with being used for your body in that way lol. Just break it off with her nicely and move on.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Indian_Nerd_Dad said:


> From the tone of your message, I am guessing you are woman.
> 
> Saying I "used her" is bull$hit. Like all women, she is an adult and she made her own choices. I am unapologetically a man and so what I am horny -- it is just a state of me. Are you going to now proclaim women are never horny and always have great judgment and are 100% committed to every marriage/relationship they are in?
> 
> ...


There's a million of you out there.


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## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

You don't owe this woman anything. Ignore the bitter folks accusing you of using her. She's an adult and chose to hop into bed with you, that's on her. I seriously doubt you had to twist her arm to get her to do it, right? The decent thing to do would be to politely let her know that you just do not feel like you and her are a good match. Just ghosting is kinda rude, IMO. 

As you have quickly learned, pictures can be deceiving. In my OLD days, I showed up on dates and couldn't even recognize the women I was meeting, they are that deceptive with selfies. The more you do this, the more you will come to recognize the telltale signs. Face only pics, out of focus pics, and the obvious filtered pics. As a rule, I'd stay away from them all unless you want to be unpleasantly surprised when you meet.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Lila said:


> Just text her. "I really appreciate your interest and openness, but I'm not able to reciprocate it. Best of luck to you."


Yep that works.



Indian_Nerd_Dad said:


> Saying I "used her" is bull$hit.


Yep it is BS. Since as described, what you both shared was mutually consenting with no promise of anything more. You're both adults, her choices are her own responsibility, as your choices are also your own responsibility.

One thing for sure I haven't and won't settle for sharing sex, with someone who I found to be boring company and unpleasant to look at. Simply because I prefer to share sex, with people who I like and also enjoy sharing their company with.

That said your lines are your own to draw, which also applies to the woman you recently shared sex with as well.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

DownByTheRiver said:


> There's a million of you out there.


Your consistency with grabbing the wrong end of the stick is superb.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Indian_Nerd_Dad said:


> So from my end, her intentions were clear. AFAIK, she had made all arrangements up front to have a good time and I did my best to give her a good time (I spent nearly $300/- on the date if you want to put a monetary figure on it, including getting her roses (no, i had not seen her in-person before), her kids expensive french macaroons, and even her dog some treats).
> 
> Conversely, here is a different situation -- 2 weeks ago I had a date with a totally different woman. We chatted, spoke on the phone. Then met for a date which went well. We were hands on each other during the date. Then she invited me back to her home. Turned out this 43-year old was living with her dad and was between jobs (I am assuming broke as well). She asked me to hangout until her dad went to bed. But I realized it was a bad idea and I made some excuse about work the next day and got the hell out of there. In this case, I recognized that this woman may be a bit desperate and so I used my better judgement and got the hell out. Different intentions and/or circumstances.
> 
> Not sure why, but to me it seems like people seem to typically just trash men while putting women on pedestals as saints and martyrs.


The way you explain this sounds like either a) you paid for dinner and some flowers so regardless of your lack of attraction, you were going to get sex as an exchange, or b) you had pity sex with an ugly fat woman. Neither is pleasant. Have some standards man. 

We, as human beings and a society, should be treating others the way we'd like to be treated. I think this is one of those lessons that gets lost in the dog eat dog world of modern dating. 

I would ask you to really think about this the next time you're encountered with this situation. Ask yourself "how would I feel if I was spending money on a woman who found me ugly and fat, had no intentions of having sex with me, but was only hanging out with me for the gifts, dinners, and whatever else I could do for her"? You're still early in your dating career. You'll run across these types eventually.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Personal said:


> One thing for sure I haven't and won't settle for sharing sex, with someone who I found to be boring company and unpleasant to look at. Simply because I prefer to share sex, with people who I like and also enjoy sharing their company with


That's the part that makes it so wrong for me with the OP. It's not about the woman consenting; She obviously wanted to have sex with him. It's that the OP didn't find her attractive in any way yet had sex with her. That says so much about him.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Indian_Nerd_Dad said:


> Again, I was just being respectful and myself. Yes, you are correct -- she invited. Yes, I accepted. I take responsibility for my part of it. But saying "i used her" etc. is totally unwarranted.


Dude, forget all about it. You went to a date, she invite you to her house. You had sex with her (even though you weren't attracted to her). You didn't forced her it was mutual.

So please, stop apologizing to all these females poster harping at you because you shagged the date. Let them get over it, or shag you if they care so much.

If you were horny enough to have sex with your date regardless if you like enough is fine. Don't apologize to no one over it. To these women in their beautiful, sanctimonious hypocritical world, everything is a no-no, specially if you are a male. So screw them, and get your jollies up as much as you care, regardless of anyone in this world might say.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Lila said:


> That's the part that makes it so wrong for me with the OP. It's not about the woman consenting; She obviously wanted to have sex with him. It's that the OP didn't find her attractive in any way yet had sex with her. That says so much about him.


It doesn't surprise me one bit and I don't think it is really wrong or a bad thing. He hadn't had sex in 3 years. That is a lot of pent up sexual energy and I don't think there are many men that would say no to an opportunity like the one presented to the OP. In the passion of the moment she probably looked a lot better than in hind sight. This was two people well into adulthood that both wanted the same thing, sex. They both got it. Kudos to the woman since it seems she bagged a guy above her "SMV".


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Rob_1 said:


> To these women in their beautiful, sanctimonious hypocritical world, everything is a no-no, specially if you are a male. So screw them, and get your jollies up as much as you care, regardless of anyone in this world might say.



Would you advise that women continue to accept nice meals, gifts, and financial support from men they didn't find attractive and with whom they had no intention of ever having sex?


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Lila said:


> Would you advise that women continue to accept nice meals, gifts, and financial support from men they didn't find attractive and with whom they had no intention of ever having sex?


If they aren't strongly leading them on then more power to them.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

BigDaddyNY said:


> It doesn't surprise me one bit and I don't think it is really wrong or a bad thing. He hadn't had sex in 3 years. That is a lot of pent up sexual energy and I don't think there are many men that would say no to an opportunity like the one presented to the OP. In the passion of the moment she probably looked a lot better than in hind sight. This was two people well into adulthood that both wanted the same thing, sex. They both got it. Kudos to the woman since it seems she bagged a guy above her "SMV".


It's possible the horny got him and this is a one off situation. 

As far as SMV goes, for all we know they were equally attractive but he just wasn't into her. 🤷‍♀️. It happens. Time out in the dating scene has a way of opening ones eyes to our SMV.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Lila said:


> Would you advise that women continue to accept nice meals, gifts, and financial support from men they didn't find attractive and with whom they had no intention of ever having sex?


If the men are stupid enough, well yeah.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

BigDaddyNY said:


> If they aren't strongly leading them on then more power to them.


There's always leading on, even if it's weak. 

I'm no angel. I accepted plenty of nice dates and gifts from men I wasn't particularly attracted to and had no intention of having sex with (that need was covered by my FWB). I'm sure if I had told them I had no interest in them beyond a casual date and companionship, they would have told me to pound sand no matter how much they liked my company.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Rob_1 said:


> If the men are stupid enough, well yeah.


It's not stupidity that keeps these men on the hook. It's their eyes and their pecker. A good looking woman who knows how to work her sexual appeal is enough.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Lila said:


> There's always leading on, even if it's weak.
> 
> I'm no angel. I accepted plenty of nice dates and gifts from men I wasn't particularly attracted to and had no intention of having sex with (that need was covered by my FWB). I'm sure if I had told them I had no interest in them beyond a casual date and companionship, they would have told me to pound sand no matter how much they liked my company.


I think on the first date you can't fault either person for getting something they want even if they know it won't make it past the first date. If someone is willing to pay for a dinner or even if one is willing to have sex on the first date, well that is the risk they took by putting it out there with no commitment. Now if you accept a second date and all you are looking for is a free meal or sex you are moving into some slimy behavior territory.

This is all academic to me BTW, since I haven't been on a date with someone other than my wife in more than 35 years and I don't intend to be on the market, ever. My wife knows I'm using her for more than just sex


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Indian_Nerd_Dad said:


> Yes, I agree, it is a 2 way street. So here is the intention message that we gave each other --
> 
> She initiated the connection
> We had raunchy text conversations (no pictures or videos were exchanged) fully of sexual innuendo including me removing her clothes etc.,
> ...


So you were forced to have sex with her because she wanted to,🤔A decent guy wouldn't have met with her in the first place knowing that was all she wanted. 
If you really want a proper relationship then take more care of who you meet with.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Lila said:


> That's the part that makes it so wrong for me with the OP. It's not about the woman consenting; She obviously wanted to have sex with him. It's that the OP didn't find her attractive in any way yet had sex with her. That says so much about him.


Yes, this. 

I think it's gross to have sex with someone you have zero physical or mental attraction to. It's basically just ****ing live flesh. 

It reminds me of men who **** sheep or pigs (and yes, this does happen). It's just a lump of live flesh used as a masturbatory tool. I'm actually slightly nauseous thinking about it.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

BigDaddyNY said:


> I think on the first date you can't fault either person for getting something they want even if they know it won't make it past the first date. If someone is willing to pay for a dinner or even if one is willing to have sex on the first date, well that is the risk they took by putting it out there with no commitment. Now if you accept a second date and all you are looking for is a free meal or sex you are


This is an interesting topic in and of itself. Lots of debate, particularly on whether a woman should accept gifts or offer to pay for their half of the date if there is no attraction or chance of more dates with the man.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Livvie said:


> Yes, this.
> 
> I think it's gross to have sex with someone you have zero physical or mental attraction to. It's basically just ****ing live flesh.
> 
> It reminds me of men who **** sheep or pigs (and yes, this does happen). It's just a lump of live flesh used as a masturbatory tool. I'm actually slightly nauseous thinking about it.


That's a vivid picture 😂 but Yes!!! I was trying to put my thoughts into words. 

I think this is the other side of @BigDaddyNY point. After three years of celibacy, even the proverbial "sheep or pig" starts looking like a great option. 

Doesn't make it right but you both have a point.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Livvie said:


> Yes, this.
> 
> I think it's gross to have sex with someone you have zero physical or mental attraction to. It's basically just ****ing live flesh.
> 
> It reminds me of men who **** sheep or pigs (and yes, this does happen). It's just a lump of live flesh used as a masturbatory tool. I'm actually slightly nauseous thinking about it.


Damned, now I heard it all. Here we have your typical representation of the middle/old woman take on human sexuality looking out from her her tidy, pretty house into her tidy, pretty white fenced pretty garden.

How ridiculous to equate a simple human nature trait of a man having sex when freely given after 3 years of no sex and taking it. I guess that these middle age, old women that come here all sanctimoniously, thumping their chest and casting a man for having sex with a woman that he was not attracted to into the pit fire of hell to roast for eternity for it. I guess that when @Livvie was younger never had sex with someone just because she wanted sex (what a rarity for a human)

How nice for all these preaching moralists to think that we humans are some sort of moral, law abiding, god fearing souls, when the reality of life in this earth for humans have been, always was, and always will be that of humans, killing, raping, stealing, using, raging on each other. It happens every day, anywhere in this planet (unless you live so sheltered to not know). You are sitting all pretty moralizing from the comfort of your tidy house, while next door, your neighbor might be raging, beating, abusing his wife and or children or the woman might be having sex right in from of her pathetic, wimp of a cuckold. Ahh, but, all is dandy because you don't do that.

To @Indian_Nerd_Dad , like I said before, ignore the moralizing psycho-babble, and do as you see fit for yourself. You don't have to conform to no one's senses of morality but your own. do as your inner self tells you as far as dating is concerned.


----------



## Teacherwifemom (5 mo ago)

Anastasia6 said:


> Push all you want. Still gave her an experience she probably wouldn't have chosen if she knew the facts.


I disagree with this. She had no reason to assume there would be a second date. An absence of information is still information. It doesn’t sound like she inquired before doing the deed. She’s a grown woman. This is a known risk of a ONS on a first date. If you don’t know that, you shouldn’t be doing the deed on the first date with the expectation that it will lead to a relationship. I dare say it often has the opposite effect, even with attraction present. Further, this may have been exactly what she was looking for, and nothing more. I don’t think OP deserves the beating he getting here. That being said, this is why so many people don’t want to find themselves in the dating pool in middle age lol.


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## LeGenDary_Man (Sep 25, 2013)

Lila said:


> Just text her. "I really appreciate your interest and openness, but I'm not able to reciprocate it. Best of luck to you."


This reminds me of one of those "oops" moments...


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Rob_1 said:


> Damned, now I heard it all. Here we have your typical representation of the middle/old woman take on human sexuality looking out from her her tidy, pretty house into her tidy, pretty white fenced pretty garden.
> 
> How ridiculous to equate a simple human nature trait of a man having sex when freely given after 3 years of no sex and taking it. I guess that these middle age, old women that come here all sanctimoniously, thumping their chest and casting a man for having sex with a woman that he was not attracted to into the pit fire of hell to roast for eternity for it. I guess that when @Livvie was younger never had sex with someone just because she wanted sex (what a rarity for a human)
> 
> ...


You do realise that a lot of men don't act that way no matter what you may think. 
Some are actually decent men who respect themselves and respect women.


----------



## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> You do realise that a lot of men don't act that way no matter what you may think.
> Some are actually decent men who respect themselves and respect women.


Yes @Diana7, we all know about your predictable/immutable take on things.


----------



## Indian_Nerd_Dad (Dec 23, 2021)

Livvie said:


> I think it's gross to have sex with someone you have zero physical or mental attraction to. It's basically just ****ing live flesh.
> 
> It reminds me of men who **** sheep or pigs (and yes, this does happen). It's just a lump of live flesh used as a masturbatory tool. I'm actually slightly nauseous thinking about it.


Also should remind you of women who stick all kinds of things into themselves, have dogs lick their privates, stick fish and let it flap around as it dies, etc. 

Maybe what you need to think about more is that that is this vivid bestiality image you got and maybe that should tell you more about yourself and maybe how you are projecting your own fetish. I am not saying anything about your fetishes -- just don't project your fetish onto others.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Teacherwifemom said:


> I disagree with this. She had no reason to assume there would be a second date. An absence of information is still information. It doesn’t sound like she inquired before doing the deed. She’s a grown woman. This is a known risk of a ONS on a first date. If you don’t know that, you shouldn’t be doing the deed on the first date with the expectation that it will lead to a relationship. I dare say it often has the opposite effect, even with attraction present. Further, this may have been exactly what she was looking for, and nothing more. I don’t think OP deserves the beating he getting here. That being said, this is why so many people don’t want to find themselves in the dating pool in middle age lol.


We found ourselves in that position(48 and 49 when we met).

You have to be careful, have clear criteria and don't settle for second best. 
Be sure of what you are looking for eg serious relationship/marriage/nothing serious, and don't ignore red flags. 

I had a full page long list written down of what I wanted in a guy. I was tempted along the way to compromise because the sort of available guy I wanted was so rare, but kept hearing that voice 'dont settle for second best'.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Rob_1 said:


> Yes @Diana7, we all know about your predictable/immutable take on things.


We all know about yours too. Those poor men who simply can't help themselves and have no respect for women.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Rob_1 said:


> Here we have your typical representation of the middle/old woman take on human sexuality looking out from her her tidy, pretty house into her tidy, pretty white fenced pretty garden.
> 
> How ridiculous to equate a simple human nature trait of a man having sex when freely given after 3 years of no sex and taking it. I guess that these middle age, old women that come here all sanctimoniously, thumping their chest and casting a man for having sex with a woman that he was not attracted to into the pit fire of hell to roast for eternity for it.


Meh. I'm a middle aged/old woman who has experienced the modern dating scene. It's not a middle aged/old woman point of view to think the OP lowered his standards so far only to get his **** wet. It reeks of desperation and that's not an attractive quality. I think the same way of women who behave in similar ways. My feelings regarding the OP and his admission is similar to the feelings evoked when I saw Anna Nicole Smith with her old husband. Yuk. 

Maybe my feelings are biased since I have never had sex with a man I wasn't attracted to. The thought of doing so makes me sick to my stomach.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Rubix Cubed said:


> Your consistency with grabbing the wrong end of the stick is superb.
> View attachment 94752


There is far more vilifying women on this forum. I'm sorry you don't feel women should have an opinion but that's your weakness, not mine.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

BigDaddyNY said:


> It doesn't surprise me one bit and I don't think it is really wrong or a bad thing. He hadn't had sex in 3 years. That is a lot of pent up sexual energy and I don't think there are many men that would say no to an opportunity like the one presented to the OP. In the passion of the moment she probably looked a lot better than in hind sight. This was two people well into adulthood that both wanted the same thing, sex. They both got it. Kudos to the woman since it seems she bagged a guy above her "SMV".


He's above? What?


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> He's above? What?


Sexual Market Value. I was making the assumption that his description of her was accurate and relative to him. 

Bottom line is the pre-date texts certainly indicate she was coming for sex and she got it.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Sexual Market Value. I was making the assumption that his description of her was accurate and relative to him.
> 
> Bottom line is the pre-date texts certainly indicate she was coming for sex and she got it.


Yes, has anyone can tell from that one post of his about fish, he's a real prize.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Yes, has anyone can tell from that one post of his about fish, he's a real prize.


Well, in his defense it was @Livvie that brought bestiality in to the discussion.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Well, in his defense it was @Livvie that brought bestiality in to the discussion.


Why would that be a good defense?


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Why would that be a good defense?


He was responding to someone that equated him to a sheep ****er. Might as well respond to bestiality attacks with bestiality attacks.


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## Teacherwifemom (5 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> We found ourselves in that position(48 and 49 when we met).
> 
> You have to be careful, have clear criteria and don't settle for second best.
> Be sure of what you are looking for eg serious relationship/marriage/nothing serious, and don't ignore red flags.
> ...


Right. I totally get it. But the fact is there are plenty of men and woman of all ages out there not looking for that relationship and are just happy to shag. That doesn’t make them wrong, just different than what you were looking for.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

BigDaddyNY said:


> It doesn't surprise me one bit and I don't think it is really wrong or a bad thing. He hadn't had sex in 3 years. That is a lot of pent up sexual energy and I don't think there are many men that would say no to an opportunity like the one presented to the OP. In the passion of the moment she probably looked a lot better than in hind sight. This was two people well into adulthood that both wanted the same thing, sex. They both got it. Kudos to the woman since it seems she bagged a guy above her "SMV".


How is he above her SMV?


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## Indian_Nerd_Dad (Dec 23, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Why would that be a good defense?


It is not a defense but just pointing out the fact. The comment on the fish was based on an actual news article that I read several years ago, in which a woman had to go into the hospital because the fish deposited its eggs inside her vagina during bestiality.

I missed mentioning this in the other post -- think of this the other way -- in the context of this conversation, it could be easily construed that the other person basically called the woman a pig or just a piece of flesh (which was way far off from the intentions of just having a good time with another person).


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Teacherwifemom said:


> Right. I totally get it. But the fact is there are plenty of men and woman of all ages out there not looking for that relationship and are just happy to shag. That doesn’t make them wrong, just different than what you were looking for.


Yes, thats why I put 'nothing serious' on the list.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Indian_Nerd_Dad said:


> It is not a defense but just pointing out the fact. The comment on the fish was based on an actual news article that I read several years ago, in which a woman had to go into the hospital because the fish deposited its eggs inside her vagina during bestiality.
> 
> I missed mentioning this in the other post -- think of this the other way -- in the context of this conversation, it could be easily construed that the other person basically called the woman a pig or just a piece of flesh (which was way far off from the intentions of just having a good time with another person).


"Pointing out the fact"?


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Exactly which is why I don't understand why you're crying all the time since you're part of a big pack of bullies.
> 
> And then you try to cover your ass after attacking me by going around and posting likes on all my posts. Very mature.


If it makes me a bully for calling out your ******** of trying to make the OP feel like crap when he has done nothing wrong then so be it. If it was a one off or not your modus operandi it would be different, but it's not.
As far as CYA you will be hard-pressed to find my posts that do the opposite of what you do, generalize women and victim-blame them on their own threads.
e.t.a. I like your posts where you can keep on track. It would be pretty passive-aggressive to not click a like on one of your posts that I think is helpful because you make other misandric posts that I disagree with. I'm sorry if that confuses you.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Rubix Cubed said:


> If it makes me a bully for calling out your ****** of trying to make the OP feel like crap when he has done nothing wrong then so be it. If it was a one off or not your modus operandi it would be different, but it's not.
> As far as CYA you will be hard-pressed to find my posts that do the opposite of what you do, generalize women and victim-blame them on their own threads.


Oh, well you're a real hero.


----------



## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Oh, well you're a real hero.


My cape is at the cleaners.

I added this to my previous post before you posted to clear up any confusion.



Rubix Cubed said:


> I like your posts where you can keep on track. It would be pretty passive-aggressive to not click a like on one of your posts that I think is helpful because you make other misandric posts that I disagree with. I'm sorry if that confuses you.


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## gold5932 (Jun 10, 2020)

Why all the hatred? For God's sake, the woman wanted sex, made plans for sex, had him pick her up at her house. What women can't have sex now without a relationship? Get a grip.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Rubix Cubed said:


> My cape is at the cleaners.
> 
> I added this to my previous post before you posted to clear up any confusion.


Oh well you know how easy us women get confused which is why we shouldn't have opinions. If I might just suggest that you stop with the personal attacks and if you have something negative to say about women such as calling us man haters it's probably not against forum rules to do it in a general manner without pointing it at one person and making yourself a hypocrite. Someone reading your attacks on me would see you as the hater.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> How is he above her SMV?


An assumption on my part based solely on his descriptions. The physical description of her and his lack of attraction are what I was going on. I assume if she were higher SMV he would have been more attracted to her. 

If we assume the opposite, that she was higher SMV, then should we be giving her an equally hard time for bedding a guy she didn't find all that attractive?

I'm not a proponent of casual NSA by any stretch, but I recognize it is a fairly normal part of life for many people. Given that, I don't get why this guy is being given such a hard time for accepting the advances of woman that clearly wanted to have sex with him, even before the first date occurred. I get the impression she pursued him. Are we really going to be this harsh to a guy that was celibate for 3 years when he gladly accepts sex from a woman coming on so strong? They both used each other for what they wanted, that is the way I see it.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Damned, how quickly this degenerated to degenerates relishing in zoophilia and the sinful, disrespecting, low morality for those having sex with someone that you are not attracted and want to say sorry but I don't want to see you again, like if we all are some sort of earthly angels living that heavenly life on earth. Pathetic.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Oh well you know how easy us women Nope, just you get confused which is why we shouldn't have opinions. If I might just suggest that you stop with the personal attacks and if you have something negative to say about women Nope just a very few misandrists  such as calling us man haters it's probably not against forum rules to do it in a general manner without pointing it at one person tried that and making yourself a hypocrite Seems I'd be the opposite by practicing what I preach and not generalizing all women by your distorted view. Someone reading your attacks on me would see you as the hater. Thanks for your concern.


This post wreaks of projection.

@Indian_Nerd_Dad : Sorry about the threadjack, but you have done nothing wrong. On your original question just let her know that you weren't compatible. The ghosting thing is weak bull excrement.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Indian_Nerd_Dad said:


> Also should remind you of women who stick all kinds of things into themselves, have dogs lick their privates, stick fish and let it flap around as it dies, etc.
> 
> Maybe what you need to think about more is that that is this vivid bestiality image you got and maybe that should tell you more about yourself and maybe how you are projecting your own fetish. I am not saying anything about your fetishes -- just don't project your fetish onto others.



My....fetish?

What?

Huh?

My thinking having sex with someone you have _zero of any kind of attraction to_ is kinda like dudes ****ing animals has nothing to do with a fetish 🤣 I just have good skills of analogy.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

How many people on this thread have had sex with someone they have zero physical attraction to and zero mental attraction to? 

That's what's being discussed. 

****ing someone you have zero attraction to in any way.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Indian_Nerd_Dad said:


> Should I just tell her that I don't think we are compatible right away or should I slowly disconnect over a few weeks?
> Should I give it another couple of more dates (though my mind is kinda made up at this time)?
> Should I just ghost her (which does not feel good/right to me)?
> Should I do it in-person, over a text message, or over a meal?


How to break up:

My advice quick & unequivocal. Don't give somebody false hope. Don't be mean. And don't ghost. 

You do not have to go on another date & spend money to dump somebody. I'd do it by voice over the phone actually talking to them but if it was only 1 date (but no sex) a text would be OK. 

Once you know this doesn't work for you, end it. Cliche's are your friends here. Say things like
​I don't think we have long term potential​​I'm just not feeling it.​​]It's not you, it's me.​
Thank them for their time but be clear you are not interested. Wish them well then be done. Don't offer friendship. Disconnect on social media. Unless it's egregious like they didn't tell you they were still married avoid specifics. Never say something like you are too fat, or old or whatever. 

FWIW consensual sex, no matter how kinky, is not "using" somebody as long as you didn't lie to get them into bed. 

Happy dating.


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## Exit37 (3 mo ago)

Livvie said:


> How many people on this thread have had sex with someone they have zero physical attraction to and zero mental attraction to?
> 
> That's what's being discussed.
> 
> ****ing someone you have zero attraction to in any way.


Livvie, that's pretty common with OLD these days... In fact, it sounds like she went out of her way to make sure she could have sex with him that night, before she even met him. I actually agree with you, this kind of thing is not for me, but it's not uncommon these days imo.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Livvie said:


> My....fetish?
> 
> What?
> 
> ...


I don't think it is an accurate analogy. I can find something attractive or sexually desirable in nearly any woman. Can't say the same for an animal of a different species.

I don't think he had zero attraction to her. Something managed to get him erect. Is this really any different that paying for sex, or being paid for sex?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Rob_1 said:


> Damned, now I heard it all. Here we have your typical representation of the middle/old woman take on human sexuality looking out from her her tidy, pretty house into her tidy, pretty white fenced pretty garden.
> 
> How ridiculous to equate a simple human nature trait of a man having sex when freely given after 3 years of no sex and taking it. I guess that these middle age, old women that come here all sanctimoniously, thumping their chest and casting a man for having sex with a woman that he was not attracted to into the pit fire of hell to roast for eternity for it. I guess that when @Livvie was younger never had sex with someone just because she wanted sex (what a rarity for a human)
> 
> ...


Haa I'm not an old woman. And my house isn't very tidy, and my fence is green - not white - and my yard is a total mess because I don't have the time to "garden" and I don't put chemicals or fertilizer on my grass because dog.

Your assumptions about me are way off and kind of laughable but also really rude.

Actually, aren't YOU an old man??


----------



## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Exit37 said:


> but it's not uncommon these days imo.


Since humans exist in this planet it has been common.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

SunCMars said:


> It sounds like she (indeed) did enjoy you and the sex.
> 
> Why did she have sex on the first date?
> 
> ...


the better question is “why did YOU have sex on the first date” when you clearly weren’t that interested in her and how she looked?

if you don’t think a gal is awesome - don’t use her for sex! And yes, it is “using her” when you clearly weren’t interested in her as a person.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Livvie said:


> Haa I'm not an old woman. And my house isn't very tidy, and my fence is green - not white - and my yard is a total mess because I don't have the time to "garden" and I don't put chemicals or fertilizer on my grass because dog.
> 
> Your assumptions about me are way off and kind of laughable but also really rude.
> 
> Actually, aren't YOU an old man??



Don't kid yourself, I wasn't specifically describing you out. It was a visual analogy to all of those middle age, or old women, that now that they are not longer a raging hormones like when they were young, and somehow many of them don't remember when they were slutting around, now are nothing but a bundle of hypocrites, with their moral superiority.

Actually, I am an old man (70), tell me oh mighty, what that has anything to do with the price of gold today?


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Rob_1 said:


> It was a visual analogy to all of those middle age, or old women, that now that they are not longer a raging hormones like when they were young, and somehow many of them don't remember when they were slutting around, now are nothing but a bundle of hypocrites, with their moral superiority.


Thanks for clarifying this. I was wondering if you were describing me but I'm actually more slutty now than when I was young. I'm older and no longer have to worry about what others think of me. 

Old age does have it's advantages.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Beach123 said:


> the better question is “why did YOU have sex on the first date” when you clearly weren’t that interested in her and how she looked?
> 
> if you don’t think a gal is awesome - don’t use her for sex! And yes, it is “using her” when you clearly weren’t interested in her as a person.


Did you read this from one of his previous posts?

_She initiated the connection_
_We had raunchy text conversations (no pictures or videos were exchanged) fully of sexual innuendo including me removing her clothes etc.,_
_she asked that I pick her up at her house on the 1st date_
_She assured me that her kids were going to be out at night as she had worked it out (not sure exactly what she worked out but I never saw or even heard anyone else at home), So she setup her home for us to be alone._
_She also informed me that she had already taken the day off from work the next day so we could stay up late. So she had even worked out her work schedule the next day with her plans in mind._
_Shew asked me back to her home and cuddled with me (I sat on a couch across her) and started making out with me_
_She assured me several times she was fine with having sex before and during the intercourse._
_Not once she asked me about relationship or any thing else about me -- zero questions about me. z-e-r-o questions about me or any other relationship-type plans. Only sexual conversations or general small talk._


This date was 100% her looking for sex. No one was used. A horny unattached woman and a horny unattached man got together and had sex, nothing more. And this guy is here asking for advice on how to NOT string her along into thinking he wants a serious relationship. That gets him all this hate and statements about him using her? Makes no sense to me and I've never even experienced NSA sex.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Rob_1 said:


> Don't kid yourself, I wasn't specifically describing you out. It was a visual analogy to all of those middle age, or old women, that now that they are not longer a raging hormones like when they were young, and somehow many of them don't remember when they were slutting around, now are nothing but a bundle of hypocrites, with their moral superiority.
> 
> Actually, I am an old man (70), tell me oh mighty, what that has anything to do with the price of gold today?


You implied I was an old woman without a sex drive 🤣

Have you never read any of my posts? I'm very sex positive and as it happens usually siding with men in sexual scenarios in discussions on this forum.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Yes, however HE stated he wasn’t attracted to her and didn’t really like the way she looked and acted while having drinks.
Yet he continued by having sex with her.
you don’t like someone - don’t have sex with them.
That’s just a bad choice on his part.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Rob_1 said:


> Don't kid yourself, I wasn't specifically describing you out. It was a visual analogy to all of those middle age, or old women, that now that they are not longer a raging hormones like when they were young, and somehow many of them don't remember when they were slutting around, now are nothing but a bundle of hypocrites, with their moral superiority.
> 
> Actually, I am an old man (70), tell me oh mighty, what that has anything to do with the price of gold today?


Adding.... I've had plenty of sex but never slutred around and never ****ed a man I wasn't attracted to, so no I'm not a hypocrite.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

If I just wanted sex in my younger years - I simply stated that up front - being clear that I wanted nothing else.

just end it - less harm to her that way.


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## 2&out (Apr 16, 2015)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Did you read this from one of his previous posts?
> 
> _She initiated the connection_
> _We had raunchy text conversations (no pictures or videos were exchanged) fully of sexual innuendo including me removing her clothes etc.,_
> ...


Great post - agree. 

It makes me laugh that he in any way used her. She made it clear she wanted ****ed, so he ****ed her. No harm, no foul. End of story.


----------



## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Lila said:


> but I'm actually more slutty now than when I was young


Many women do that as they age, because they do not longer feel the need to put-up, conform, and/or care what anybody has to say about it. That's a woman that has reached a level of confidence with herself.


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## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

Indian_Nerd_Dad said:


> All in all, I don't think this is the right person for me. How do I go about letting her know she is not it? Since I am new to this dating scene after nearly 25 years, I thought I would get some advice from this community. Here are some questions running through my head:
> 
> Should I just tell her that I don't think we are compatible right away or should I slowly disconnect over a few weeks?
> Should I give it another couple of more dates (though my mind is kinda made up at this time)?
> ...


My thoughts are to let her down gently and don't drag it out over a few weeks or even a whole hour or so over a meal. It was one night, not a relationship. I think a text message will be okay for something like this.

As for the whole sex thing, she's a 48 year old grown ass woman, and if I've got it right, you both talked all sexy with each other before the date, she made sure her kids weren't home and cleared her schedule for the next day in anticipation of having sex with you that night. Where's the problem?

Plus, she did all of that before even meeting you, which means she planned to have sex with you without knowing, or possibly even caring, how you would feel about her in person or if the date was boring or if it turned out you both had nothing in common...etc.

And of course she knew her pics were only of her face for a reason and, logically thinking, therefore she knew you might not like her physically in person. Once again, knowing this, she still prepared ahead of time to have sex with you.

How is OP the bad guy for having sex with her? Because he didn’t find her attractive and had sex with her anyway? No one knows if she, too, didn’t find him attractive as well, and I would venture to guess she didn’t care because of all the pre-planning she did before knowing what he looked like in person--Seems like she just wanted some! What’s wrong with that?

Saying OP is horrible for having sex with her, insinuating the woman was taken advantage of when she clearly wasn’t, puts women back several decades with the notion that a woman can’t be in charge of her own sexuality, that a woman shouldn’t make the first move and that women shouldn’t want sex just as much (or even more) than men, because, you know, “good girls” don’t do that.

Putting women back in time like that at worst sounds like woman hating, or at the least, not very pro-woman.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Quit banging fatties, and if you do, don’t come on to TAM and share it. You’ll get crucified. Giving up sex is like giving your first born child for some here. I’ll never understand it.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

So was this on Tinder, a hookup app, or was this on a dating app?


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> So was this on Tinder, a hookup app, or was this on a dating app?


It was Hinge.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

BigDaddyNY said:


> It was Hinge.


Thanks. So it's described as a dating app that focuses on long-term connections.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@Indian_Nerd_Dad ,

What two adults do with each other in their private time is none of my concern. She didn't "use" you and you didn't "use" her--you were both clear and consented. 

However, I do have two words of advice for you. 

Speaking as a lady-of-a-certain-age, if I were on a date with a gentleman, I would hate to think that he'd spend $XXX and that would result in thinking that I "owe" him sex. So I'd advise only spending an amount that you are willing to walk away from without any feeling of what you get for it. And I get it--it wasn't a business transaction--it wasn't "owed" in that true sense. But advice #1 is to start with no one owing anyone anything. Make sense? That way, either one of you are free to walk away with no hard feeling. 

Advice #2 is be honest and upfront with any lady you meet--from the chatting online to getting to know each other, from the first meeting to the first date. Yeah, be kind--no need to be mean or a jerk--but if you aren't into her, but honest and say that. If you want to be FWB, say that. That way you are clear about who you are and what you want, and she can make an informed choice if that's what she wants or not. And thus, have the first meeting be "let's see each other in person" and if that goes well, THEN have an actual date with some romance and maybe something/something. And at any point--ANY POINT--you just decide you aren't that into her or it's not a good match, be honest and don't beat around the bush. "I have enjoyed chatting but upon meeting I just don't feel like we were a match. Thank you for your time and I wish you well." The end. Okay?


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## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

Lila said:


> Maybe my feelings are biased since I have never had sex with a man I wasn't attracted to. The thought of doing so makes me sick to my stomach.


Because you're a woman. Women tend to date up when it comes to sex only and men date down for easy sex.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Enigma32 said:


> Because you're a woman. Women tend to date up when it comes to sex only and men date down for easy sex.


I didn't know that men regularly had sex with women they had zip zero absolutely no attraction to. None. Nada.

I must ask. At that point, when you are attracted not even one smidgen in any way to someone, why? Why not wait for someone you have at least a glimmer of attraction to? Or do these men think they will never be able who get a woman who is even a bit attractive to them?


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## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

Livvie said:


> I didn't know that men regularly had sex with women they had zip zero absolutely no attraction to. None. Nada.


Because most men aren't advertising it. You won't even get many men admitting to it here, but most have done it. Bet on it.



> I must ask. At that point, when you are attracted not even one smidgen in any way to someone, why? Why not wait for someone you have at least a glimmer of attraction to? Or do these men think they will never be able who get a woman who is even a bit attractive to them?


Because when you're sitting there rock hard on a Wednesday and some ugly girl offers to give you a BJ in the back seat of your car, waiting for a prettier girl on Saturday isn't exactly helpful.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Enigma32 said:


> Because most men aren't advertising it. You won't even get many men admitting to it here, but most have done it. Bet on it.
> 
> 
> 
> Because when you're sitting there rock hard on a Wednesday and some ugly girl offers to give you a BJ in the back seat of your car, waiting for a prettier girl on Saturday isn't exactly helpful.


I think most of us would admit to having sex with someone I would never want any of my friends or family to ever see. I’d be too embarrassed. That said, those encounters stay dark…forever.


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## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

RebuildingMe said:


> I think most of us would admit to having sex with someone I would never want any of my friends or family to ever see. I’d be too embarrassed. That said, those encounters stay dark…forever.


Pretty much. It's those 10pm text only girls.


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## Indian_Nerd_Dad (Dec 23, 2021)

*Thank you all for your advise and for this conversation.*
*
As per all of your advice -- I met the woman in person, bought her really nice dinner, and let her know we are not a good match and ended it.*


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

I think that's a bit much. What's the point of spending time and money on a woman you won't ever see again- and on a woman who was deceitful as to her appearance in a dating profile. So what you had sex with her. I'm sure she got something out of it as well, you don't owe her a thing.

I would have simply dropped her a text and said thanks for a good time, I'm not feeling it so good bye and good luck. 

You'd have been better off having dinner with the next woman you meet who you actually connect with.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Trident said:


> I think that's a bit much. What's the point of spending time and money on a woman you won't ever see again- and on a woman who was deceitful as to her appearance in a dating profile. So what you had sex with her. I'm sure she got something out of it as well, you don't owe her a thing.
> 
> I would have simply dropped her a text and said thanks for a good time, I'm not feeling it so good bye and good luck.
> 
> You'd have been better off having dinner with the next woman you meet who you actually connect with.



Well, at least he was man enough, decent enough to tell in person. Regardless.


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> There is far more vilifying women on this forum.


As per usual, this isn't true... but you are excellent at tricking yourself into believing it is true.



DownByTheRiver said:


> Exactly which is why I don't understand why you're crying all the time since you're part of a big pack of bullies.


Ah yes. Your typical go-to. If someone makes a point you don't like, make sure to scream out "bad man is a bully!". It's your only defense because you never have any useful arguments.


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## CrAzYdOgLaDy (Mar 22, 2021)

Nothing wrong with this at all, just two adults making out and doing what adults do. 

Seems like she was really into the op. Maybe have one more date and see how it goes. If no electric sparks between you both, be honest with her and wish her well. 

Good luck dating and keep us updated.

Sent from my SM-G970F using Tapatalk


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

*Moderator Warning *We need to keep TAM classy. Accusations are flying around that are rude, crude and vile. Stop it.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Enigma32 said:


> Because you're a woman. Women tend to date up when it comes to sex only and men date down for easy sex.


If by "women tend to date up" you mean women have standards then I agree. From the general responses, a horny man really only needs a vagina with a pulse to have sex.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Livvie said:


> I didn't know that men regularly had sex with women they had zip zero absolutely no attraction to. None. Nada.
> 
> I must ask. At that point, when you are attracted not even one smidgen in any way to someone, why? Why not wait for someone you have at least a glimmer of attraction to? Or do these men think they will never be able who get a woman who is even a bit attractive to them?


I think the answer is there is always some level of sexual attraction. If there truly were no sexual attraction at all then he wouldn't have sex with her. And we ALL know that when you're horny and in heat of the moment inhibitions drop which also means what you find attractive and sexually exciting gets expanded.

There are some women that regularly have sex with men that they don't find attractive either.


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## Indian_Nerd_Dad (Dec 23, 2021)

CrAzYdOgLaDy said:


> Maybe have one more date and see how it goes. If no electric sparks between you both, be honest with her and wish her well.


That is kinda what I did. I had dinner with her, no chemistry or interesting conversation. At least she asked me 1 question about myself last night -- which university my daughter was studying (because I mentioned I won't be able to meet with her next week because my daughter is in town)? So I did get 1 question after all about myself in about 7 hours of in person conversation (both dates combined but excluding time for sex) and online chatting.

So when I dropped her off at her home I let her know that we are not a good match and that I was looking for something different. Wished her well. She seemed to take it well (as well as such awkward conversations go. there were no tears or snappy remarks, etc.).


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## Indian_Nerd_Dad (Dec 23, 2021)

Indian_Nerd_Dad said:


> Should I just tell her that I don't think we are compatible right away or should I slowly disconnect over a few weeks?
> Should I give it another couple of more dates (though my mind is kinda made up at this time)?
> Should I just ghost her (which does not feel good/right to me)?
> Should I do it in-person, over a text message, or over a meal?


Thank you all for your input. I did meet with the woman in person and let her know we are not a good match and broke it off. The break up conversation went ok (given it is an awkward conversation) and she seemed fine with it (no harsh words, etc.)

One thing that she said (during the breakup talk) that stood out to me -- "she seemed a bit surprised that I had decided that we were not a good match in just 2 dates and it would have to be longer". I am not sure if I needed 3 or 4 dates to draw this conclusion.

*This leads me to the following 2 questions (maybe I should create separate threads for these questions?) for the community to learn from your collective wisdom:*

*What do you all think? If I meet a woman and after the 1st date I decide "a strongish no!" -- does it make sense to do multiple dates to see if that changes (particularly if I don't find the woman physically attractive)?*
*Does it make sense for me to form a relationship with a woman that I don't find physically attractive? The reason for this question is the good old saying -- "be with someone who want's to be with you, rather than who you want to be with". So, as a man, what do you suggest if a man is not physically attracted to the woman, to begin with?*


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Indian_Nerd_Dad said:


> Thank you all for your input. I did meet with the woman in person and let her know we are not a good match and broke it off. The break up conversation went ok (given it is an awkward conversation) and she seemed fine with it (no harsh words, etc.)
> 
> One thing that she said (during the breakup talk) that stood out to me -- "she seemed a bit surprised that I had decided that we were not a good match in just 2 dates and it would have to be longer". I am not sure if I needed 3 or 4 dates to draw this conclusion.
> 
> ...


Easy,
#1 No
#2 No.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Indian_Nerd_Dad said:


> Thank you all for your input. I did meet with the woman in person and let her know we are not a good match and broke it off. The break up conversation went ok (given it is an awkward conversation) and she seemed fine with it (no harsh words, etc.)
> 
> One thing that she said (during the breakup talk) that stood out to me -- "she seemed a bit surprised that I had decided that we were not a good match in just 2 dates and it would have to be longer". I am not sure if I needed 3 or 4 dates to draw this conclusion.
> 
> ...


I agree with @Rob_1 no to both. 

If you go on a 1st date and your mind gives you a strong no feeling, just believe it. There is no reason at this point in your life that you should try to force a relationship to develop. It shouldn't have to be that hard. 

The 2nd one would make no sense. If you aren't physically attracted and you are seeking a physical relationship why bother?


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Indian_Nerd_Dad said:


> *What do you all think? If I meet a woman and after the 1st date I decide "a strongish no!" -- does it make sense to do multiple dates to see if that changes (particularly if I don't find the woman physically attractive)?*
> *Does it make sense for me to form a relationship with a woman that I don't find physically attractive? The reason for this question is the good old saying -- "be with someone who want's to be with you, rather than who you want to be with". So, as a man, what do you suggest if a man is not physically attracted to the woman, to begin with?*



I'm of the mind that physical attraction is the basis for all sexual relationships. It's one of the reasons why I do not encourage women or men to give people they are not physically attracted to "a chance" no matter how great they are otherwise. So my answers to both #1 and #2 are no.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Gotta ask. Why, why would a man who is dating around enter into a sexual relationship with a woman he isn't attracted to? Maybe there really is a lot to women saying that men don't want THEM, they just want sex.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Indian_Nerd_Dad said:


> Also should remind you of women who stick all kinds of things into themselves, have dogs lick their privates, stick fish and let it flap around as it dies, etc.
> 
> Maybe what you need to think about more is that that is this vivid bestiality image you got and maybe that should tell you more about yourself and maybe how you are projecting your own fetish. I am not saying anything about your fetishes -- just don't project your fetish onto others.


Since this post hasn't been removed, I just want to comment on how utterly repugnant the content is and maybe you don't realize how much it says about you're even aware of this stuff.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Indian_Nerd_Dad said:


> Thank you all for your input. I did meet with the woman in person and let her know we are not a good match and broke it off. The break up conversation went ok (given it is an awkward conversation) and she seemed fine with it (no harsh words, etc.)
> 
> One thing that she said (during the breakup talk) that stood out to me -- "she seemed a bit surprised that I had decided that we were not a good match in just 2 dates and it would have to be longer". I am not sure if I needed 3 or 4 dates to draw this conclusion.
> 
> ...


Wow, I read this thread and was aghast at some of the attitudes displayed by various folk. I will give you props for being man enough to let this woman know where you stand, though, that was decent. No judgment for having consensual sex, except I don't understand why anyone would want to bump uglies with someone they're not attracted to, it reeks of desperation and is not attractive. 

I vote no to both questions and can't understand why they're even up for debate. What's the point of entertaining someone you're not attracted to? It's rather counterproductive, since you're not going to be happy in the long run and might end up hurting someone if they end up being into you. 

I'm going to be burned for saying this but I'm going to since many people ask women who complained about lack of attractive options if their standards are unrealistic compared to what they can offer... Are you sure your attractiveness levels aren't matched? 5ft8, 200lbs, 24% is quite chubby for a man, so it's no wonder athletic women aren't swiping for you, they're in high demand by fitter men. Btw, I'm not saying this to disparage you, many people think they're more attractive than they actually are and tend to shoot above their pay grade, it's human nature. 

Anyways, there was no harm done, so no foul, just a learning experience. It's really hard to start dating again after being married so long, so congrats for breaking into the dating world. Good luck to you.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

BigDaddyNY said:


> An assumption on my part based solely on his descriptions. The physical description of her and his lack of attraction are what I was going on. I assume if she were higher SMV he would have been more attracted to her.
> 
> If we assume the opposite, that she was higher SMV, then should we be giving her an equally hard time for bedding a guy she didn't find all that attractive?
> 
> I'm not a proponent of casual NSA by any stretch, but I recognize it is a fairly normal part of life for many people. Given that, I don't get why this guy is being given such a hard time for accepting the advances of woman that clearly wanted to have sex with him, even before the first date occurred. I get the impression she pursued him. Are we really going to be this harsh to a guy that was celibate for 3 years when he gladly accepts sex from a woman coming on so strong? They both used each other for what they wanted, that is the way I see it.


I just don't think we have act a certain way just because others do.


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## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

Indian_Nerd_Dad said:


> That is kinda what I did. I had dinner with her, no chemistry or interesting conversation. At least she asked me 1 question about myself last night -- which university my daughter was studying (because I mentioned I won't be able to meet with her next week because my daughter is in town)? So I did get 1 question after all about myself in about 7 hours of in person conversation (both dates combined but excluding time for sex) and online chatting.
> 
> So when I dropped her off at her home I let her know that we are not a good match and that I was looking for something different. Wished her well. She seemed to take it well (as well as such awkward conversations go. there were no tears or snappy remarks, etc.).


If I was in that situation where it was just a one-night stand (and I have never had a ONS), I think I would prefer a text (in other words, something quick and brief) and not a guy taking me on a date just to tell me at the end that he didn't want to see me again. But, everyone's different and glad it worked out well.


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