# Never getting to spend any money on myself



## mom2threekiddos (May 19, 2010)

Ive seen over the past (almost 7 years of marriage) that I rarely get the chance to take money and spend it on myself. Even if its just a dollar or two. My birthday was recent here and my husband bought me a .50 cent card from the dollar store, let the kids pick out a card too, and then got me some tulips, which the kids saw and said mommy would like those. 

We normally always get to have the person who's birthday it is pick where they would like to eat that night for dinner, but that night my kids and my husband threw a fit to go to Chuckie Cheeses.  I so badly wanted chinese, and instead, I had to be the one to watch the kids play games and let my husband play games like a child would do. So it wasnt really a good birthday this year for me. 

Days later I see my husband picking up a guitar for himself. Not even two weeks after my birthday. He has no problem picking up items he wants, but puts a guilt trip on me if it were me that would do something like that for myself. 

So, im asking here if any of you l ladies or men have spouses that likes to put guilt trips on you for purchasing an item for yourself? Something that you would like to get for yourself or even items you need?


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## Crypsys (Apr 22, 2010)

Can't say that we do mom. My wife and I both have opposite spending habits, but we spend the same amount of money. We each get around $75 per week as our own personal spending money. My wife tends to spend it weekly buying clothes, or shoes, etc. I will save mine and buy myself a big ticket item (my most recent purchase was a HD projector).

I think you both need to set aside a set amount of money you each can spend on me stuff and go from there. That will then make it equal. It doesn't matter who makes more money, it should be split 50/50.


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## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

Nope. Till I get out of grad school, we are broker than broke. I honestly don't care what I "get", as long as my kids have what they need, and some of what they want. My H feels the same way-we sacrifice a lot so that he can stay home with our kids while I work FT and go to school PT. We both agree that things will be different in just a year or so. For now, we talk about every purchase we make (over $10 lets say), and he trusts me to make sure that there is money avaialble for the necessities and our kids. Since we are on the same page, it works for us. Sounds like you guys need to sit down and come to an agreement so that things aren't so one sided.


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## mom2threekiddos (May 19, 2010)

Mommybean said:


> Nope. Till I get out of grad school, we are broker than broke. I honestly don't care what I "get", as long as my kids have what they need, and some of what they want. My H feels the same way-we sacrifice a lot so that he can stay home with our kids while I work FT and go to school PT. We both agree that things will be different in just a year or so. For now, we talk about every purchase we make (over $10 lets say), and he trusts me to make sure that there is money avaialble for the necessities and our kids. Since we are on the same page, it works for us. Sounds like you guys need to sit down and come to an agreement so that things aren't so one sided.


I see it somewhat like you two do. We had to file bankruptsy last May, and since then we've had no credit cards and living paycheck to paycheck. We got back our tax returns this year and it was a pretty big amount. We put that into our savings. We use that money for things we NEED. Not things we want. With three kids, one income, its hard not to want to spend some extra cash on things we want, but I myself, spend any cash on things we need. Thats why the other day when my husband decided to pick up a guitar that costs us $30, I was in shock! I mean, I havnt picked up anything for myself in YEARS! I took my birthday money and used it for groceries! Not anything for myself! I was just so shocked to see him think it was ok for take money out for something like a guitar that he wanted, not needed. 

We have all boys, and of course kids needs haircuts. Especially boys. But my husband has told me several times that girls dont need haircuts. Boys do, but girls dont. So me being the only female in the household, I dont NEED a haircut! My husband gets a haircut every month, the kids get one every 2-3 months, depends on how fast their hair grows. But for me, its been a year since Ive had a haircut. Im dieing to get one. He made the comment I should take some cutting tools to my parents and let them help me. We have hair cut places around town that cuts hair for $6.99! He thinks its rediculious for me to pay that money for a haircut when I dont need one. Needing things like deodarant, underwear, etc. I cant get. I have to run across him first. If we have the money, then i can possibly get it. Depends on if the kids need stuff though. They come first. It sucks not being able to get the stuff you need. 

If I could get a part time job and take the money home to live off of, I would in a heartbeat. But when you have two toddlers at home, theres not alot of jobs out there where you can take them to work and still be able to bring home some money. If i were to get a job, I'd have to pay for daycare for both of them. All my money would go to daycare. I wouldnt be able to bring home anything. So whats the point of working til they are in school and I dont have to worry about daycare costs?


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## Crypsys (Apr 22, 2010)

mom2threekiddos said:


> If I could get a part time job and take the money home to live off of, I would in a heartbeat. But when you have two toddlers at home, theres not alot of jobs out there where you can take them to work and still be able to bring home some money. If i were to get a job, I'd have to pay for daycare for both of them. All my money would go to daycare. I wouldnt be able to bring home anything. So whats the point of working til they are in school and I dont have to worry about daycare costs?


Guess it just depends on what you do for a living. We have 3 boys with another child on the way. My wife is a teacher and our youngest is in daycare. All of our kids though were in daycare at one time or another. Being a teacher though she is able to pick the kids up when she gets off at 3 instead of them having to stay there past 5.

I don't know about other parts of the country, but down here daycare isn't all that expensive. Our kids all went to a private church run daycare and it cost us around $300 per month per kid. What my wife makes in her teachers salary is much more then what it cost us for daycare.

But, I agree if your salary doesn't outweigh the costs of daycare, it doesn't make much sense to work.


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## mom2threekiddos (May 19, 2010)

Crypsys said:


> Guess it just depends on what you do for a living. We have 3 boys with another child on the way. My wife is a teacher and our youngest is in daycare. All of our kids though were in daycare at one time or another. Being a teacher though she is able to pick the kids up when she gets off at 3 instead of them having to stay there past 5.
> 
> I don't know about other parts of the country, but down here daycare isn't all that expensive. Our kids all went to a private church run daycare and it cost us around $300 per month per kid. What my wife makes in her teachers salary is much more then what it cost us for daycare.
> 
> But, I agree if your salary doesn't outweigh the costs of daycare, it doesn't make much sense to work.


Around here, Daycare centers costs around $200 per kid per week. So we would be looking at $1600 a month for full time child care. Part time child care isnt that much less. From what Ive seen and heard, part time care is around $160? per kid per week... which would be $320 a week, so around $1300 a month. With our situation, my husband's job requires that he gets everything done before leaving, no matter what his hours are. He works first shift, 6am - 2pm. There are days where he doesnt get home til after 3pm. Our oldest son is in kindergarten and school gets out at 2:53pm. He gets dropped off at school in the morning at 8am. So I'd still have to be the one to take him to school since my husband leaves the house for work at 5:30am. Finding a job around here where I can work for the hours of when our oldest is in school, say 8:30-2pm? plus the cost of daycare for our youngest two, would be insane. Jobs around here are starting at $7.25 an hour, me being able to work the hours of 8:30-2pm would be 5 1/2 hours each day, so just say 26 hours a week? which would be $188.50, but then you take taxes out of that, daycare costs would be $320 a week. Its not worth me working. Id be taking all of what I make plus more out of my husband's paycheck to have someone else watch them while i work part time. Same goes for like an evening job. I have to be the one responsible for making sure our oldest is dropped off at school and picked up. Thats the problem along with daycare costs for our two youngest sons.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

This issue isn't about your husband. It's about you. You watch him buy something for himself, yet you don't say anything. You want something, yet you don't say anything. You feel cheated on your birthday, yet you give in and go along, and don't say anything.

You get what you get (or not) because you go along with it.

Women are often taught not to make waves. But it doesn't mean being your family's doormat. It will have to be YOU who takes charge here. No one can read your mind.


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## mom2threekiddos (May 19, 2010)

turnera said:


> This issue isn't about your husband. It's about you. You watch him buy something for himself, yet you don't say anything. You want something, yet you don't say anything. You feel cheated on your birthday, yet you give in and go along, and don't say anything.
> 
> You get what you get (or not) because you go along with it.
> 
> Women are often taught not to make waves. But it doesn't mean being your family's doormat. It will have to be YOU who takes charge here. No one can read your mind.


Ive spoke to my husband about this. I havnt just kept this all in and kept it to myself. When I brought this up like I did the day be decided to buy his stupid guitar, when we only had less than $100 in our checking account, He didnt know what to say. 

You see, he doesnt think before he spends money. I on the other hand do. I dont just think were going to have enough money so I can buy whatever I want. He, whenever he see's something he wants, he buys it. No questions asked. I have to bring up to him how much we have available and if we have bills yet to be paid, and whatnot. Then he realizes after he buys something that he shouldnt have bought something. 

Now when it comes to gifts, birthdays, anniversaries, etc.... I dont see why its so easy for me to think of him and buy him a gift, but its so hard for him to do the same for me. If he hadnt of drove by the dollar store on my birthday, he admited he wouldnt have got me even a card. Yet, alone let the kids pick me out one or get the flowers. Last year I didnt get anything. Would have been the same this year as it was last year. 

Im speaking up, its just that he's not hearing me. He does want he wants, says what he wants and thinks only of himself.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Crypsys said:


> Can't say that we do mom. My wife and I both have opposite spending habits, but we spend the same amount of money. We each get around $75 per week as our own personal spending money. My wife tends to spend it weekly buying clothes, or shoes, etc. I will save mine and buy myself a big ticket item (my most recent purchase was a HD projector).
> 
> I think you both need to set aside a set amount of money you each can spend on me stuff and go from there. That will then make it equal. It doesn't matter who makes more money, it should be split 50/50.


:iagree:

Would watching other people's kids be an option for you? Even part-time, it might give you enough to feel a little above water.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

mom2threekiddos said:


> Ive spoke to my husband about this. I havnt just kept this all in and kept it to myself. When I brought this up like I did the day be decided to buy his stupid guitar, when we only had less than $100 in our checking account, He didnt know what to say.
> 
> You see, he doesnt think before he spends money. I on the other hand do. I dont just think were going to have enough money so I can buy whatever I want. He, whenever he see's something he wants, he buys it. No questions asked. I have to bring up to him how much we have available and if we have bills yet to be paid, and whatnot. Then he realizes after he buys something that he shouldnt have bought something.
> 
> ...


 Then you will have to set boundaries on what's acceptable. There's nothing wrong with taking that guitar from him and going back to the store and returning it, if you had already agreed not to buy something. But you have to have that agreement, first.

As for not buying you a gift, what did he say when you told him he hurt your feelings?


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## mom2threekiddos (May 19, 2010)

turnera said:


> Then you will have to set boundaries on what's acceptable. There's nothing wrong with taking that guitar from him and going back to the store and returning it, if you had already agreed not to buy something. But you have to have that agreement, first.
> 
> As for not buying you a gift, what did he say when you told him he hurt your feelings?


He's agreed to take the guitar back, but still hasnt done it. He's been saying he is going to take it back for two days now and still it sits here. If I didnt have three little boys to take with me, I would have done it myself. I think he tells me this, only to think I will change my mind and let him keep it. I keep telling him he has to take it back. but he doesnt say anything back to me.

As far as him not buying me a gift, he didnt say anything back to me about me bring that subject up. I just looked down. I told him It doesnt have to be anything big, but just knowing he remembered my birthday would mean the world to me.


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## mom2threekiddos (May 19, 2010)

swedish said:


> :iagree:
> 
> Would watching other people's kids be an option for you? Even part-time, it might give you enough to feel a little above water.


Ive been putting ads all over town to let others know Im available to watch kids part time. But for months now I havnt got any responces. It seems like alot of ladies here in town are posting this. I see a ton of them on craigslist. I still have an ad posted, but havnt had any luck so far getting people interested.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You realize you're treating him like another child, right? And he FEELS like another child.

You have to stop dealing with him the way you are, and find a new way of dealing with him. Try to get into his head, see things how he sees them.

Aside from that, it's time to set up a new way of communicating. Do some research on communication styles. It will help you learn how to deal with him.


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## mom2threekiddos (May 19, 2010)

turnera said:


> You realize you're treating him like another child, right? And he FEELS like another child.
> 
> You have to stop dealing with him the way you are, and find a new way of dealing with him. Try to get into his head, see things how he sees them.
> 
> Aside from that, it's time to set up a new way of communicating. Do some research on communication styles. It will help you learn how to deal with him.


If I stop communicating with him, our money would be gone, and our bills would be past due because we wouldnt have the money to pay for them! When he knows there is cash, he spends it without thinking we need that money to pay bills. I've tried handing over the finances to him, so he can be responsible at making sure the bills are paid on time, and making sure there is enough money in our account so the bills can get paid. But we ended up with fees because he spent the money on other items and we were negative in our account! Thats when I had to take over and make sure he didnt take every ounce of our money and spend it on items we dont need. Food, Bills, Clothing for the kids, etc all comes first. A guitar is not a need. Its a want. I can see if we had a bigger income, but we dont at this time. Its tight, and we cant afford to be spending our money on items we want at this point.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

So stop giving him access to money.


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## mom2threekiddos (May 19, 2010)

We have a joint account. I doubt he is going to give me his debit/credit card and sign anything saying he is off the checking account. Besides that, his paychecks are directly deposited into the account, so his name has to be on the account in order for us to get paid.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What I am trying to tell you, is that you have to put your foot down. You have to approach him as an EQUAL. NOT the 'woman' in the relationship. Men are programmed to see you as their mother's replacement. You have to up the ante to become his PARTNER. But it has to start with you.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

turnera said:


> So stop giving him access to money.


Unless he says 'take my debit card so I don't spend' I would think this is treating him like a child. I personally would not feel like a partner if I were in a marriage and denied access to the back accounts.

I'm sure it has been hard for both of you to have the finances so tight. Is there any breathing room from month to month at this point where you could both agree on a set amount for each of you? Even if it is a very small amount, it might give you both a feeling of a little independence instead of working to pay bills each month.


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## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

I live very similarly to you finance wise. Before, my H had some of the same spending habits as yours displays. But, it went beyond that. He had this feeling that I was trying to control him, when I would say he could not get this or that. The idea of control went into other areas of our marriage. 
What has changed now, is that his perspective on our relationship changed. He get it now...i'm not trying to control him...i'm trying to do the best for our family. Once we started working together, this past year....our situation has drastically improved. He does NOT have a debit card, and when I tried to get him one, he declined. He takes it if he needs it, and brings me receipts. He gets about $20 a week out of his paycheck (PT work) and the rest he gladly hands over to me. 
I guess my point is, his selfishness with money (and consideration of his wife) is not going to change until his perspective changes. You've gotta get to the root of the problem to change that. It is childish behavior on his part, so he's got to come to terms with the fact that he is a man, and it's his job to make sure his family has before anyone or anything else. If you two can figure out what makes him feel this way (for my H it really had to do with issues from his upbringing, once he figured that out, our marriage, and his crap behavior, changed beyond belief), then that WILL change the way he handles money, your feelings, and the partnership that you two are supposed to have.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

:iagree:

Great post, Mommybean!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

That's what I was trying to get to. You have to have THE TALK with him. I didn't have THE TALK, and now, having taken over the finances for 2 years, I'm $20,000 down on a $100,000 debt he rang up.


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## mom2threekiddos (May 19, 2010)

Mommybean said:


> I live very similarly to you finance wise. Before, my H had some of the same spending habits as yours displays. But, it went beyond that. He had this feeling that I was trying to control him, when I would say he could not get this or that. The idea of control went into other areas of our marriage.
> What has changed now, is that his perspective on our relationship changed. He get it now...i'm not trying to control him...i'm trying to do the best for our family. Once we started working together, this past year....our situation has drastically improved. He does NOT have a debit card, and when I tried to get him one, he declined. He takes it if he needs it, and brings me receipts. He gets about $20 a week out of his paycheck (PT work) and the rest he gladly hands over to me.
> I guess my point is, his selfishness with money (and consideration of his wife) is not going to change until his perspective changes. You've gotta get to the root of the problem to change that. It is childish behavior on his part, so he's got to come to terms with the fact that he is a man, and it's his job to make sure his family has before anyone or anything else. If you two can figure out what makes him feel this way (for my H it really had to do with issues from his upbringing, once he figured that out, our marriage, and his crap behavior, changed beyond belief), then that WILL change the way he handles money, your feelings, and the partnership that you two are supposed to have.



He doesnt get mad when I bring up our money issues. I dont tell him he cant have money for things. He has a debit card, I have a debit card. I just have to constantly remind him of how much we have and bills will be going out, so make sure you check how much is in the bank before you spend money on things you want. Me saying that doesnt bother him. He actually tells me thanks for reminding him. Otherwise he wouldnt be thinking about how much is in our account and just spend whatever he feels like spending. 

He works full time, and make $1600, thats our take home pay each month. By the time I take out all of our bills, which include: 

House payment
electric
gas
water
garbage
phone-tv-internet
car insurance
kids life insurance

All that comes to $1,000.00 Thats not including gas for the cars, groceries, or any household items, along with any dr co-pays we need to pay too. He says he doesnt feel like im treating him like a child. He just wishes we had more money for ourselves to enjoy, instead of knowing it all has to go to bills and stuff we need. I let him take any birthday money he gets from relatives and such, and he spends it on himself. I should do the same, but when I see we need groceries, or items for the house or kids, I'd rather not take money out of our account and see a negative balance, and just take any extra cash I have on hand and use that. I just have to get him to see that I need to do somehow treat myself to my needs too. Like haircuts and such. I only get a haircut once a year. I'd like to get it cut more often, but I go as long as possible til I break down and can no longer stand it.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Why don't you start up an envelope system? Look up Financial Peace University; maybe the website will describe it (and if you can afford to take the classes - around $100 for 10 weeks, by ALL means, take them - they are lifesavers). If not, they have books you can buy. Basically, you start a savings account that is automatic, comes straight into it before his check is written (set it up with his company); no matter what your bills are, you HAVE to have a savings account with at least $1000 in it. That way, when an emergency comes up, you have money to use for it instead of using a credit card. Start today.

Then, sit down and figure out what you spend money on outside of monthly bills. Make an envelope for haircuts, school supplies, groceries, presents (including saving for Christmas), entertainment, books/CDs/movies, car repair, car replacement, etc. Every paycheck, you CASH OUT what you don't spend in monthly bills like house and utilities. You take that cash (get it in $5 bills), and you put it into these envelopes, according to how much you think you'll spend in a year. 

For instance, if you have to pay a car license renewal once a year, and it costs $75, every month you put $5 in that envelope. By the time your next renewal period comes, you will have at least part of that money saved up, and you won't be having to dip into anything else to pay for it. If you spend $100 a month on groceries, put that $100 in a groceries envelope; when you shop, you pay for it out of that envelope ONLY; once you've spent your $100, too bad - you wait til next paycheck and exist on whatever you've got in the pantry.

It takes a few months of trial and error to get this down, but it is WELL worth it.


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## Leahdorus (Jul 28, 2008)

mom2threekiddos said:


> Ive been putting ads all over town to let others know Im available to watch kids part time. But for months now I havnt got any responces. It seems like alot of ladies here in town are posting this. I see a ton of them on craigslist. I still have an ad posted, but havnt had any luck so far getting people interested.


When I was looking for a babysitter, I didn't have much luck on craigslist, but I DID find some great ones on care.com Babysitters, Nannies, Child Care & Senior Home Care - Care.com - I think it's free for child care folks looking for work. For folks like me, looking for a sitter, there was a fee. Just another avenue you might consider exploring.


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## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

You don't think his behavior is a bit passive agressive? He says he appreciates you reminding him that bills need to be paid, or food needs to be bought...but then you say he overdraws your account buying stuff he "wants" because he gets frustrated that all the money goes to bills? Meanwhile, you "man up" and suffer with the bare minimum and are the adult in the house and do without, but have to remind him all the time that bills food and gas come first? 

Try adding up all the fees you have accrued over the past year due to overdrafts, late fees etc. I'm betting the amount would be more than enough to have gotten yourself a haircut more than once a year, or even just paying off a single bill. He IS acting like a child, and he has you defending his behavior, even if you are ticked off about it. What do kids do? They think of THEIR wants first and foremost....and they don't think of the consequences.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

The MAIN benefit of using the envelope system I suggest is that you are pulling the money OUT of the joint account, and putting it into the envelopes. That way, his debit card will no longer work!


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## TixyTwixy (May 22, 2010)

as "Crypsys" says try to have some amount as personal spending money where you should not give accounts for each other


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## galaxy (Jun 14, 2010)

I agree with Crypsys on this.

Set aside a sum for each of you to spend in anyway you want without having to answer anyone.


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