# "Work Dinner" thoughts



## angrybuttrying (Jun 17, 2013)

Just seeking some thoughts on the idea of a wife having dinner with a co-worker, just the two of them. He is located out of town, and travels to town frequently, etc. He's married, and I really don't have a legitimate reason to suspect anything.

However, was wondering about boundaries and what others felt were appropriate in this situation. 

To be honest, I'm not entirely comfortable with it. Not really jealous, just have this old-fashioned notion that it's not all that appropriate. 

Thoughts?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Well, I'm of the opinion that men and women can be friends with each other and not want to rip each other's clothes off in a public place, so take it for what it's worth. But I think it's ok. I never worried about stopping my STBXW from doing that, and I don't worry about my SO. I go out for dinner or lunch with a good friend of mine occasionally, and she happens to be female. Sometimes with our partners (she's married), sometimes without. 

Just my $0.02...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Have you told her how you feel about it? 

You probably don't have anything to worry about, but that's not the point is it? You aren't 100% on board and that's valid. She should know that.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

I think it's worth talking about.
What is her reason? She feels sorry for him being alone?
Or she wants to accomplish work? 
When my wife has done such things, she talks about the reason, knowing that a wife / mother going out to dinner should have to explain why.


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

I have on occasion had dinner with a (married) female colleague while out of town. Everything's professional and above-board.

But I guess that may not always be the case with everyone. It's a legitimate area for at least a little concern.


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## Eden1973 (Sep 9, 2013)

angrybuttrying said:


> To be honest, I'm not entirely comfortable with it. Not really jealous, just have this old-fashioned notion that it's not all that appropriate.
> 
> Thoughts?


Well what really matters is that YOU are NOT comfortable & that is completely ok. Ask yourself why? Is he a gut reaction thing or is something off in general with this scenario? 

Be upfront in honest with your spouse & let her know that you don't know why but you aren't comfortable with it. You two talk through it.

Now is he a boss that needs to discuss sensitive company business outside of the office? What's the purpose of the "dinner" meeting? Can you join them?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Btw, I should add that I don't necessarily feel that your feelings are wrong or invalid. If my SO came to me and said "Hey, I don't feel all that comfortable with you going out for dinner with xxx", I'd talk to her about it. In the end, I'd likely compromise with inviting her out every time I went for dinner with xxx. And I'd do so with no hard feelings or resentments. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ScorchedEarth (Mar 5, 2013)

angrybuttrying said:


> Just seeking some thoughts on the idea of a wife having dinner with a co-worker, just the two of them. He is located out of town, and travels to town frequently, etc. *He's married*, and I really don't have a legitimate reason to suspect anything.
> 
> However, was wondering about boundaries and what others felt were appropriate in this situation.
> 
> ...


Yeah... that don't mean a thing honey. Look around, read around. You have every RIGHT not to like it. Let her know how you feel. If she loves and respects you, she will find a way to get out of it. If she starts putting up defenses, that doesn't necessarily mean she's a cheater, but it DOES mean that she doesn't respect you enough to understand how uncomfortable it will make you. 
Unfortunately, our social mentality has become a "Me first" one. Which is great... if you are single and unattached. If MORE people actually paid attention and cared about how their spouses felt about things, the institution of marriage would not be the sham it has become. 
I'm in your corner. Take it from me, those workplace relationships often turn out to be the most destructive.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Where is the dinner to take place?

It could be legitimate, but it could also be a red flag. If it were me I would ask where they are going and what time she will be back. Decide if the time is reasonable. Allow for travel and time to dine but not time to sit around in the bar and drink.

Bottom line is if they cannot complete their work together during work hours then he needs to stay over night and come to the office the next day. Not meet with a married woman after hours.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

ScorchedEarth said:


> Yeah... that don't mean a thing honey. Look around, read around. You have every RIGHT not to like it. Let her know how you feel. If she loves and respects you, she will find a way to get out of it. If she starts putting up defenses, that doesn't necessarily mean she's a cheater, but it DOES mean that she doesn't respect you enough to understand how uncomfortable it will make you.
> Unfortunately, our social mentality has become a "Me first" one. Which is great... if you are single and unattached. If MORE people actually paid attention and cared about how their spouses felt about things, the institution of marriage would not be the sham it has become.
> I'm in your corner. Take it from me, those workplace relationships often turn out to be the most destructive.


While all of the above is fine and correct, you also have to recognize the sacrifice you would be requiring of your spouse. Assuming this is truly about business, she is losing an opportunities to work and network with co-worker. In some fields, that networking can be very important. So depending upon how you approach this, her defensiveness may be a reaction to what you are asking her to give up.

Keep that in mind when you raise the issue.


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## Devotee (Sep 22, 2013)

With no legitimate reason to suspect anything, then I would not feel it is inappropriate. 

I've had many lunches with male friends and coworkers over the years and kept the relationships completely platonic. 

As far as boundaries go, I trust my H in these situations, unless he starts giving me reasons to suspect otherwise. He rarely has one to one lunches with coworkers or female friends, but if he did I would be fine with it. I trust him fully. 

But if you are feeling a bit off about it, then I would discuss it with your W.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I think the fact that it's dinner and not lunch makes it more intimate. They could be completely innocent... but there is a big difference with having lunch and having dinner and it's not just portion sizes.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

I've had legitimate, above-board dinner meetings with married women and unmarried women in the past. No problem. however, I've also had such dinners with professionals in my field where we ended up in bed (not married, so not quite the same thing). 

I've also known others, married and not married, to play both sides of the table, so to speak. 

If you have no real reason to wonder, and they have nothing confidential (business or other) to talk about, why wouldn't you go with her? Nothing wrong or unusual about that. 

I personally would not be comfortable, even if I knew the guy. In the past, I would've been OK with it. Being cheated on changes your mental mapping a bit.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

angrybuttrying said:


> To be honest, I'm not entirely comfortable with it. Not really jealous, just have this old-fashioned notion that it's not all that appropriate.
> 
> Thoughts?


I'm with you on this one. I wouldn't like it one bit either. In fact in my current company that's how an affair started that led to both people leaving the company. Unfortunately, in today's business world, this situation difficult to avoid. If you think you're up to having a discussion and you don't think your wife will go on a feminist tirade", tell her how you feel about it and that if she has an option, you would like her to avoid going to the dinner. If it's not possible or she refuses to cancel, then it's time to discuss clear boundaries and what is acceptable to you and what isn't.

EDIT: I just read one of your other posts. *Your wife had an emotional affair in the past!* I changed my opinion; you need to tell her she can't go. Why? Because she has proven herself untrustworthy. Sorry dude, that's how I feel.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

Sometimes... depending on the job... schedules are so crazy and putting in 12-16 hour days and meeting with 10 people and traveling from city to city... is that the case?

Sometimes.. meeting over dinner is a good, productive way to work a business deal. Its not the same as just 'going out to dinner with a colleague' if that makes any sense. Yeah - it starts gtting into that gray area between personal and professional life but make no mistake - business is also about personalities and working with people you respect and making sure everyone understands where everyone is coming from. 

Again - I think it depends on the nature of the job and what sort of business discussions we are talking about and what is expected to get accomplished. Flatly sating 'its inappropriate' is wrong, as is flatly saying 'no problem'.

The biggest deal makers in my company and the C-level execs work their a$$es off - and dinners together with business partners and vendors and the like are par for the course. Same for people working on big projects and need to (once in a while) meet for a face-to-face meeting - and yes sometimes over dinner when it makes sense to do so.

Does it pass the 'reasonable sniff test'? Co-worker that rarely comes to town? 

If I felt the way you are expressing it.. I would simply make sure she understood my concerns - but think carefully about where your feelings are coming from. Fear? Jealousy? Why? If she is a professional - this is far from abnormal...right?

Maybe shoot her a harmless jab... 'Hey Hot Stuff.. - you know your not supposed to go off having 3 martini dinners with strange men, right'? Maybe you can diffuse the situation with humor and let her know about your darkest fears all at the same time. You may come off as insecure - but I think the bigger mistake would be to not say anything. Hell - maybe she will be impressed that you care enough to say something.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

If it's a working dinner, they can stay at the office and have something sent in. If it's for pleasure, then there you go.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

I had a vendor take me to Mortons once to hash over some things and work out a problem over a fantastic meal and it was also a thank you for sticking with them after some issues. It was probably $4-$500 bucks for the 2 of us. Yeah - it was both busness and pleasure.

Not the same as 'delivered' or 'take out'.

;-)


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

No way!
I don't even lend my tools to my neighbors, why would I lend my wife to some out of town strangers?

Its been my experience that every time I loan something out it comes back broken.

Sure I don't like sharing but I don't mind helping out once in a while and bringing my tools over and lending a hand. Just like I wouldn't mind escorting my own wife to a business dinner.

At least when I'm present my things won't get used and abused and a degree of respect is used with my tools when I'm around. Its just a boundry I have when I lend things out.

If you dont want me around then don't ask me to use my stuff.

Again its been my experience that every time I lend someone something it comes back broken and used!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

In the end its up to your wife to respect your boudries and respect the protection you have to offer.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

Yup, to reiterate, if you're not invited too, it's not a business dinner. And that's not OK.


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## angrybuttrying (Jun 17, 2013)

To close the loop, thanks for the responses.

To clarify a few things, he is a peer that comes into town quite frequently, and it's not unusual for their common boss to take them to dinner and drinks. Within the past two weeks, there has been significant "movement" within the organization, restructuring, etc. and they now have a new boss, which is what they will be discussing at dinner, etc. In addition, and I know I sound like I'm defending this, another associate is also going to dinner, so it's not just the two of them. 

I'm comfortable with the situation now, and while I believe that trust is a conscious decision one makes, being comfortable with various levels of trust is sometimes difficult.

Thanks again.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

angrybuttrying said:


> ..I'm comfortable with the situation now, and while I believe that trust is a conscious decision one makes, being comfortable with various levels of trust is sometimes difficult.


Well said.

Lots of people have been burned on this board so they see fire everywhere. Doesnt mean they are wrong really - but I believe you have given up more than you expect when you do not have that kind of trust in your spouse. One of the premier benefits of marriage is being able to have that trust. Without it what do you have? Not much.

At the same time - old age has taught me not to put myself in needlessly risky situations when it comes to flirting (not the word I want) with the opposite sex. Must we assume a harmless dinner is 'risky'? But that is something 'I' do and wouldn't make a habit of dining and cavorting and possibly find myself surprised. If my wife wants to go out to dinner with a co-worker - I am totally fine with that... in fact encourage it. She is an adult, professional, smart, and I trust her completely to make that judgement call.

I may feel quite differently if our marriage was having other issues. In that case - its always worrying if one or the other is going outside the relationship for what might start looking like an escape or relief mechanism.


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