# 11 Years Since Divorce and Ex Wife is Still Bitter...Dispute Leaving for Another Guy



## 342693

Title pretty much sums up my situation. Ex wife cheated, moved out to be with another guy and later married him. Once I found out about the affair, I slammed the door shut, healed from the pain and moved on with my life. I'm happy and my ex knows it. We have two kids together and share 50/50 custody, so unfortunately I still see her and have weekly interactions. 

For the past 11 years, 90% of the time, she is rude and tries to talk down to me. She lies a lot too. I stand my ground, but also don't let it bother me since it just reaffirms my decision to move on after the affair. But come on....it's been 11 years, you left for another person and moved on. I should be the bitter one, not her. I am cordial and polite when we interact and I do that for the kids and myself. 

Has anyone else dealt with a similar situation? My friends tell me she's a classic case of the grass isn't greener. But I would really like to get along with her. But it seems like when I'm realy nice, she's even meaner.


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## Numb26

SCDad01 said:


> But I would really like to get along with her.


Why would you?


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## 342693

Numb26 said:


> Why would you?


For the kids...plus, so I wouldn't have to deal with her b*tching all the time. I don't like drama.


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## Numb26

SCDad01 said:


> For the kids...plus, so I wouldn't have to deal with her b*tching all the time. I don't like drama.


You are divorced, you don't have to deal.with her *****ing, drama or anything else unless you allow yourself too. I don't with my EX, when she starts I stomp it out.


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## Hiner112

I'm with @Numb26 on this. You shouldn't have to deal with very much of the ex's drama. Being divorced gives you the right to hang up the phone, close the door, go home, or tell her to go home. Unless it directly involves the kids or other mutual obligations, you can either shut it down or just smugly laugh at it.


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## UpsideDownWorld11

11 years? How old are your kids now? I kind of put my ex on ignore for the past 5 years and we have 50-50 custody. With young ones it would be difficult but as daughrer has gotten older, I really have very little to talk to her about unless it's some school or doctor thing and that we can usually handle over IM or venmo. I minimize any social contact I can. It works for us.


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## Marc878

Look up grey rocking,
I have 3 friends who went through this scenario. They developed a hard no contact policy and say it’s the best thing they’ve done.
Keep everything separate. You have your time, she has hers nothing shared.
Pickups/drop offs take 2-3 minutes. No need for interaction. You just leave
All birthdays holidays are kept separate.
Never go into her home nor allow her into yours.
Communication is text or emails kids only. Ignore everything else.

You get no drama no fuss. Makes life easier and simpler. Kids adjust.

For whatever reason you are keeping yourself in this. Why?

You’re only getting this abuse because you allow it.


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## Hoosier

After 11 years the fact that this is a problem tells me who the problem lies with........you. Why do you care? You need to do some serious disconnecting. What she is doing should be water off your back. And yeah! how old are your kids? even if they were 1 they are now 11 and surely can come meet you at your car. You should not be having any interaction with her at all.....at all. Seriously, you might want to check out some counseling, help with the off load.


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## Diana7

If the marriage ended 11 years ago then I am guessing the children are what, mid teens ish? If so then you dont need to talk to her every week or even at all, you can make the arrangements with them now, they are quite old enough.
I have no idea why you are still communicating with her so much. There is no need except for in an emergency.

Any vital communication can be done via email and when you collect them you can wait in the car. It's pretty simple.


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## jlg07

I agree with Marc787, NO need for contact anymore. There are apps for co-parenting which list all events, etc. and you can handle who's doing what in the APP, not by talking.
Have the kids dropped/picked up someplace neutral so that you don't have to interact with her at all.
If any issues, she can use the APP to contact you about whatever the kids need.


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## Benbutton

Yep, been there. My xw was very similar towards me until I completely cut her out. My only communication was regarding appointments and schooling. I had 50/50 as well and whenever she pulled any **** I would just send her a pic of the divorce decree. I also beat her in court twice.


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## sokillme

Look up gray rock technique. Do that consistently and she will give up.


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## RandomDude

Ex-wife remains a good friend of mine, no cheating or bad blood, but even then our social interactions are very limited.

I have a daughter with her as well but we don't have weekly interactions. When we do exchanges it's a wave. Sure every now and then we have a family outing with our daughter, former in laws, my partner and hers and there's nothing awkward about it but that was like what? Once or twice a year. For issues in regards to our daughter it's maybe 3-6 times a year. We all have our own lives to live and we happily live it, and we give each other space for the sake of our own partners as well, like duh.

I understand that my situation in terms of amicability may be preferable but it also isn't always achievable or the norm. But despite this amicability she's so disconnected from our lives even as a friend so I don't get why in your situation you need to see your ex more than you need to especially since you ain't exactly getting along.


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## OnTheFly

Perhaps the adage, “living well is the best revenge” is true in your case, and it really, REALLY bothers her.


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## DTO

Numb26 said:


> You are divorced, you don't have to deal.with her *****ing, drama or anything else unless you allow yourself too. I don't with my EX, when she starts I stomp it out.


This. My ex showed some of this when my then-GF was moving in. She made a nasty comment and I told her nicely to watch herself.

Problem solved. But it worked since I set a boundary early on. If you haven't done that, you need to start.


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## Arkansas

my ex hates me - similar situation

that's fine with me, because I have no interest in seeing the evil witch

I think they have to think you're an awful person because that helps them justify what they did .... hey, if you were a good person then why did they do what they did right? nope - you had to be the problem, and so they live like that


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## Luckylucky

You’re nice and polite, she’s mean.

You’re killing her with kindness and she don’t like it 😬


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## Rob_1

SCDad01 said:


> But it seems like when I'm realy nice, she's even meaner.


It seems that after all these years you have learned ****. With women like that, you let them know in not uncertain terms that you don't give a ****, and to **** off. Then you gray rock them. That's the worse insult that you can do to them. They can't live in peace knowing that they are being ghosted. 
You really don’t need to interact with her at all. Kids or not kids. Dude get on the the program already.


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## *Deidre*

Sounds a bit like NPD, here is some info on it:






Narcissistic personality disorder - Wikipedia







en.wikipedia.org





I've read similar stories to yours on here, and narcissists want to control everything...they want to move on, but have you still sitting around pining over them. The fact that you're happy, she lost control. It's hard to deal with these types after a break up, but I'd just cut the conversations short as soon as she starts drama...''hey, it was great seeing you, talk to you soon.'' And walk away. Give it a try, and you'll feel better. Keep control of your emotions and life, and stay classy. 🙌


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## 342693

Thanks for the replies everyone. I didn't do a good job summarizing things, so let me clarify a little better. The ex and I rarely talk....it's mostly over email or text. And I never reach out, it's always her. It's always about the kids...some legitimate stuff like doc appts, etc. But other times it starts about the kids, but evolves into a ***** session from her, finger pointing and accusing me of stuff that is BS. I ignore most of it, but some I have to reply to since it involves the kids. 

She is very bitter and angry at me. I work hard, have a nicer house, drive a nicer car, have a beautiful wife and am happy. But she wants me to be miserable I guess. That's the part I don't understand since she left me. I don't like stress and conflict and would prefer a business like approach to raising our kids, where we get along because we have to and there is no need for hostility.

Has anyone experienced something similar? Does the tension/hatred/hostility ever end?


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## 342693

Marc878 said:


> grey rocking


I've never heard of that, but just looked it up. Definitely something I start doing. Thanks.


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## Rowan

I divorced by ex-husband when I found out he'd been a serial cheater our entire relationship. We had an exceptionally amicable, inexpensive and quick divorce. 

And....8 years later, he's _still_ pissed at me, bitter and angry that I "destroyed our family" and mad that I "screwed him over" in the divorce. Even though he was the cheater. Even though we split all the financial accounts 50/50, we each kept our own inherited property and our individual vehicles, he kept the marital home, he paid me no alimony, and we had no joint credit cards or other debt beyond the mortgage. Even though he got more time with our son than he even asked for and he paid the minimum state-required child support (which went directly into our son's college savings account via a payroll deduction so it never even hit my accounts). 

He's angry and bitter for much the same reason your ex-wife is, OP. Because they are selfish, self-centered, miserable people who don't like dealing with the consequences of their actions and are fundamentally incapable of admitting fault or wrong-doing because it would damage their self-perceptions. So, you and I are the "bad guy", because it obviously can't possibly be them. 

The absolute best thing you can do is minimize contact to the greatest extent possible. You aren't friends. You don't have to be friendly. Just be minimally cordial and don't engage any more than is absolutely necessary. You don't need to talk about anything unless it's an emergency. The kids can come to your car at custody swaps. Better yet, arrange swaps during the school year to coincide with school pick ups and drop offs - you drop off the kids for school and she picks them up, or vice versa - so you and your ex-wife don't even need to see one another. Communicate as much as possible through email. Ignore anything that isn't directly pertinent to a matter concerning your children. Even if she's ranting, ignore it and respond only to the part of the message that's about the kids. If there's nothing about the kids in a message, don't respond at all. Don't chat, don't make small talk, don't share about your lives. And, no matter what she does or says, give her nothing of yourself emotionally. Gray rock.


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## Taxman

From a psychological standpoint, and I am in no way a psychologist, this appears to be massive amounts of projection. The anger is outwardly directed as that is the only coping strategy that she can withstand. I have seen this several times before. Rubber and glue situation. She, will (unless there is some kind of intervention) be angry and bitter for the rest of her life. The anger is really translated as "Damn you for knowing that I betrayed you"


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## RandomDude

SCDad01 said:


> Thanks for the replies everyone. I didn't do a good job summarizing things, so let me clarify a little better. The ex and I rarely talk....it's mostly over email or text. And I never reach out, it's always her. It's always about the kids...some legitimate stuff like doc appts, etc. But other times it starts about the kids, but evolves into a *** session from her, finger pointing and accusing me of stuff that is BS. I ignore most of it, but some I have to reply to since it involves the kids.
> 
> She is very bitter and angry at me. I work hard, have a nicer house, drive a nicer car, have a beautiful wife and am happy. But she wants me to be miserable I guess. That's the part I don't understand since she left me. I don't like stress and conflict and would prefer a business like approach to raising our kids, where we get along because we have to and there is no need for hostility.
> 
> Has anyone experienced something similar? Does the tension/hatred/hostility ever end?


Strictly communication in writing then. Worse comes to worse forget co-parenting, adopt parallel parenting. 

Co-parenting with high conflict is worse for your children than parallel parenting I'm afraid.


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## Marc878

SCDad01 said:


> I've never heard of that, but just looked it up. Definitely something I start doing. Thanks.


What you should realize is no one can affect you unless you let them.. This is your life. No one else’s. 
You control your end. That’s all you can do. I would also be truthful with the kids. They aren’t stupid and will learn most from you. Would you want them to learn to take abuse from someone or stand up for themselves?


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## NTA

also be careful of anyone who appears to be sniffing around on her behalf. That can happen.


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## 2&out

Do all you can to just ignore her. Taxman is correct - my first ex was angry/bitter/pissed to the day she died.


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## jlg07

So, next time when she veers off the kids into a b*tch session, just tell her "STOP -- you left me, if you have problems that is on YOU" and then just stop the conversation. If she continues, just say "sorry I have to go..." and hang up.


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## Diana7

SCDad01 said:


> Thanks for the replies everyone. I didn't do a good job summarizing things, so let me clarify a little better. The ex and I rarely talk....it's mostly over email or text. And I never reach out, it's always her. It's always about the kids...some legitimate stuff like doc appts, etc. But other times it starts about the kids, but evolves into a *** session from her, finger pointing and accusing me of stuff that is BS. I ignore most of it, but some I have to reply to since it involves the kids.
> 
> She is very bitter and angry at me. I work hard, have a nicer house, drive a nicer car, have a beautiful wife and am happy. But she wants me to be miserable I guess. That's the part I don't understand since she left me. I don't like stress and conflict and would prefer a business like approach to raising our kids, where we get along because we have to and there is no need for hostility.
> 
> Has anyone experienced something similar? Does the tension/hatred/hostility ever end?


How old are your children?


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## Nailhead

They simply hate when they see the other kicking butt and taking names.


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## 342693

Diana7 said:


> How old are your children?


17 & 14


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## Marc878

IMO you distance yourself to the point there is no interaction. Your kids are older so there’s nothing that can’t be communicated by text or email. Pickups drop offs should be easy. You pick them up and just stay in your car. Drop off let them out then drive away. Where is it written you have to have a chat?

ANSWER: nowhere.


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## Trident

Not understanding why you have a need to get along with her. You say it's "for the kids" but they're older, it just doesn't matter.

Both of you are renting each other space in the other's head.

Waste of energy


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## 342693

Marc878 said:


> IMO you distance yourself to the point there is no interaction. Your kids are older so there’s nothing that can’t be communicated by text or email. Pickups drop offs should be easy. You pick them up and just stay in your car. Drop off let them out then drive away. Where is it written you have to have a chat?
> 
> ANSWER: nowhere.


Totally agree. And trust me, I have no desire to chat with her. But when she emails me about the kids, it's always in an accusatory tone or she flat lies and tries to pin stuff on me that is not true. I let the majority of it slide and not bother me. But there are some things I have to reply to since it's about the kids. And trust me, if I ignored it, I'd get a letter from her lawyer. My point was why can't she get on with her damn life? I hate the BS and unfortunately, can't cut her off 100% because of the kids.


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## Marc878

Look into getting the court monitored email. Perfect for this situation. A friend of mine uses it. Cut out all verbal interaction. There is no law that says you have to talk.


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## Jamieboy

My MIL hates my FIL with a passion 35 years on from their divorce, as in your case she was a disrespectful cheater, My FIL was treated like a mug, but yet, he moved on years ago and my MIL is still bitter, made our wedding interesting for sure. 

So what im saying is, dont expect her behaviour to change due the passage of time sadly


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## Blondilocks

Rowan said:


> I divorced by ex-husband when I found out he'd been a serial cheater our entire relationship. We had an exceptionally amicable, inexpensive and quick divorce.
> 
> And....8 years later, he's _still_ pissed at me, bitter and angry that I "destroyed our family" and mad that I "screwed him over" in the divorce. Even though he was the cheater. Even though we split all the financial accounts 50/50, we each kept our own inherited property and our individual vehicles, he kept the marital home, he paid me no alimony, and we had no joint credit cards or other debt beyond the mortgage. Even though he got more time with our son than he even asked for and he paid the minimum state-required child support (which went directly into our son's college savings account via a payroll deduction so it never even hit my accounts).
> 
> He's angry and bitter for much the same reason your ex-wife is, OP. Because they are selfish, self-centered, miserable people who don't like dealing with the consequences of their actions and are fundamentally incapable of admitting fault or wrong-doing because it would damage their self-perceptions. So, you and I are the "bad guy", because it obviously can't possibly be them.
> 
> The absolute best thing you can do is minimize contact to the greatest extent possible. You aren't friends. You don't have to be friendly. Just be minimally cordial and don't engage any more than is absolutely necessary. You don't need to talk about anything unless it's an emergency. The kids can come to your car at custody swaps. Better yet, arrange swaps during the school year to coincide with school pick ups and drop offs - you drop off the kids for school and she picks them up, or vice versa - so you and your ex-wife don't even need to see one another. Communicate as much as possible through email. Ignore anything that isn't directly pertinent to a matter concerning your children. Even if she's ranting, ignore it and respond only to the part of the message that's about the kids. If there's nothing about the kids in a message, don't respond at all. Don't chat, don't make small talk, don't share about your lives. And, no matter what she does or says, give her nothing of yourself emotionally. Gray rock.


He's angry because you divorcing him proved he isn't all that and you didn't love him enough to overlook his little peccadilloes. Cue the world's smallest violin. A healthy "Oh, STFU" should suffice. Maybe, an extension of your middle finger to make the point.


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## Tasorundo

People are who they are. It sucks that you cannot change it, but that is how it will be forever most likely. Perhaps if her new man cheats on her and leaves she will change, but that is about all that can do it.


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## Diana7

SCDad01 said:


> 17 & 14


At that age they can do all the contacting themselves. There should be no need for her to contact you unless it's an emergency.


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## Rowan

Blondilocks said:


> He's angry because you divorcing him proved he isn't all that and you didn't love him enough to overlook his little peccadilloes. Cue the world's smallest violin. A healthy "Oh, STFU" should suffice. Maybe, an extension of your middle finger to make the point.


I figured out long ago that it works if I just stare at him briefly, like he's a small child who's interrupted an adult conversation to say something perplexing but not worth addressing. And then I just return immediately to whatever pertinent topic has led me to be engaging with him in the first place, as if he'd never spoken. If he contacts me via email or text, I just ignore everything entirely except any actual question or concern about our son. Zero emotional energy for him. It enrages him, but is helpful for me. 

But.....I'd be lying if I said I didn't get a little charge of glee when I don't respond and he loses his ****.


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## Divinely Favored

SCDad01 said:


> Title pretty much sums up my situation. Ex wife cheated, moved out to be with another guy and later married him. Once I found out about the affair, I slammed the door shut, healed from the pain and moved on with my life. I'm happy and my ex knows it. We have two kids together and share 50/50 custody, so unfortunately I still see her and have weekly interactions.
> 
> For the past 11 years, 90% of the time, she is rude and tries to talk down to me. She lies a lot too. I stand my ground, but also don't let it bother me since it just reaffirms my decision to move on after the affair. But come on....it's been 11 years, you left for another person and moved on. I should be the bitter one, not her. I am cordial and polite when we interact and I do that for the kids and myself.
> 
> Has anyone else dealt with a similar situation? My friends tell me she's a classic case of the grass isn't greener. But I would really like to get along with her. But it seems like when I'm realy nice, she's even meaner.


Next time she has attitude give her a look of serious concern and ask like you really care..." Have you lost your happy place?"


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## ElwoodPDowd

SCDad01 said:


> Has anyone else dealt with a similar situation? My friends tell me she's a classic case of the grass isn't greener. But I would really like to get along with her. But it seems like when I'm realy nice, she's even meaner.


Yep, my former wife of 30 years was exactly the same, even down to the cheating.
12 years later she still blocks me seeing our 4 children and bad mouths me to anyone who will listen.


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## Chuck71

When she runs diarrhea from the mouth / test...simply respond 

1-I'm sorry you feel that way.... if she persists

2-I see things otherwise..... if she still persists

3-Done yet?...... an old vet from here, Conrad would preach this and it works

I added a fourth..... Remind me to give a ***k 

When she implodes, end call / text. Let her own her own anger.

The only reason she is miserable is she regrets what she did. Her next H did not pan out as she

anticipated. And it's of course, you're fault LOL! 

You have a happier M than her
You have nicer things than her
You have a better rapport with the kids than her

You upgraded, she downgraded.... she can't handle that. Po snowflake! 

The court monitored emails is an excellent idea


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