# New Here...married 18 years...Emotional/Verbal Abuse



## whodoyouthinkyouare (Jun 28, 2011)

Hello all. I am new here, but not new to marriage issues unfortunately. Since 2005 I have lived with emotional/verbal abuse. I have not been happy for a long time and most recently over the past year emotionally detaching as much as I can while trying to keep the peace for our 9 yo son. To make a long story short, we have been married 18 years and together 20. I am 41. He has diabetes since he was 32 and I had breast cancer last year (doing great now). Our son also has some minor delays with language and emotional issues which he receives counseling for. 

Until the past few years I hadn’t seen the red flags early in our relationship because I knew nothing of abuse or what it meant. Prior to us getting married, he would be jealous of me going out with friends (thought cause he loved me SO much), he drank a lot (but so did I and we did it together), he would get angry and punch walls and call me names during fights, one time he threw me across the bed. After all of these abusive episodes he would apologize profusely and tell me he loved me and it would never happen again. But it did over and over. 

Fast forward to 11 years later (all was good during this time that I can remember), we had our son in 2002 and in 2003 it all started and I began realizing what I had been dealing with. I would always be told “you are depressed, get some medication – you always take things too seriously, your job isn’t a job cause it’s not hard physical work (mine is brain work), I don’t do anything around the house, I’m lazy, I’m fat” and it went on and on. He would tell me I don’t NEED to listen to Audio CD books in my car, that’s it’s stupid. He would yell at me if I just got my vehicle washed but yet drove through dirty water on the way home with it. He would control me with telling me my friends were more important to me than him, my family was more important, etc. Would get mad if I went out (which wasn’t very often). He also emotionally and verbally abuses our son and this started when he was little before he could talk (4 yo). He gets irritated all the time with our son and he belittles him all the time and it makes him feel sad…he even asks when I pick him up from school “Is Dad home and I say no he’s working” I can hear the sigh of relief (that’s sad!). He’s gotten to the age now where he tells Dad “geese Dad, calm down you don’t have to yell”. When he was little DH would say to him when he couldn’t talk yet (geese, you can’t even say that????) I have SO MANY stories but I don’t want to make this too long. 

I’ve chalked his anger up to his diabetes, but he also drinks alcohol every day. He has 4-5 or more whiskey/pop every day. His family along with mine have seen his emotional outbursts most recently over this past year. He’s gets crazy MAD to where I swear to God the vein in his neck will explode. He has never hit me – ever. But I can’t seem to do anything right and he told me two weeks ago that every single thing that is wrong in our marriage is MY FAULT. Everything. More recently he calls me more than 4-5x a day whether I’m at work or at home (I work full time and always have). It’s about the most insignificant stuff too – “did you look up wolf spider on the internet” – “what’s this on the kitchen counter” – “I’m just bored” – “are you getting out of work early” and I am so busy at work and in my type of job, I can’t be taking these personal calls all the time because I would be a hypocrite as I tell my staff I supervise LIMIT the # of personal phone calls! “  LOL! 

This last Fri. night I went out (he was sleeping anyway cause he had to work) with my work friends on a pontoon boat ride and to the pizza place (son was out of town with Grandma). After we were done at 9:30 they talked me into coming out for a couple drinks to the local bar and I agreed. He called me and was yelling at me and actually accusing me of trying to find someone to pick up. I have NEVER given him a reason to think that I would be unfaithful ever – and I would never think of it. But he was convinced that’s the reason I was out. Over the past few years I have spoken with my pastor a few times and he also feels DH has possible OCD issues (that’s a whole ‘nother story) and is definitely emotionally/verbally abusive. While going through chemotherapy, I was continuing to work full-time and by the 3rd one my Dr. said you need to slow down and quit working and doing so much. My DH’s response “why did he tell you that, it’s not like you have a job like mine!”. WOW – I’ve been with him a long time, but I think a normal/supportive husband would have said “do what the Dr. says honey, you want to stay healthy through all of this so take it easy from now on…is there anything I can do to help with that?”. I don’t know ----or is spousal caring and loving not what I thought it was? 

I have gotten in touch with my EAP at work and they hooked me up with a counselor whom I’ve seen 2x one being this last Tuesday. He has instructed me to see a lawyer first to find out what my options are and how to handle “leaving” when it comes time. I can support our son and myself so I have no problem giving him the house since he has so much sweat equity in it. I’ve asked him NUMEROUS times to go to marriage counseling with me and he refuses. I’ve asked him NUMEROUS times to stop drinking but he feels he doesn’t have a problem that he uses it to relax before he goes to bed. He has this anger and hatred toward women in general and thinks they are all useless, worthless and whiney. He gets so angry when he talks about women he works with I just tune him out after a while cause I can’t stand to listen to his tone. The problem is, I don’t know why – I would feel horrible about leaving such a sick man – I mean he needs counseling, he needs help and I’m afraid he would kill himself if I left him. Advice or thoughts welcomed. Like I said there is so much more to this whole story, but I know I shouldn’t make it too long or no one will read it  I know I've done everything I can do to try and heal this marriage, but according to him I am the problem - so I guess my only alternative then is to go..... I guess I just would like to know if you also see the huge red flags?


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Obviously you can't live with this guy.
Make sure as part of the divorce settlement he is made to sign off on an insurance policy in your name/your son's name. The way he is going, he will not be around much longer.
It's not that he will kill himself if you leave, it's that he is clearly already doing that. Methodically, due to his condition and habits and choices.
The other thing is, in YOUR will, make sure you specify that he is not to have custody of your son, only supervised visitation, and what the reasons are, documented as well as you can, and have any financial assets that would be left to your son, put in a trustee account. 
Divorce is just the start. You have a child with this person so you don't have more or less issues to deal with due to divorce, just different ones.


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## whodoyouthinkyouare (Jun 28, 2011)

THank you so much for your note to me. My counselor also told me is killing himself as well. Even though he did give up the smoking two years ago, he thinks it's his "right" to drink every day and he's so much healthier now that he quit smoking, so now he can drink and no one is going to take that away from him he says. He tells me not to even say anything to him about his drinking - ever. 

What kind of damage does one do to himself drinking a LARGE bottle of booze every week (these are the large plastic ones)? I'm curious. 

Thanks again!


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Brain damage. It affects the ability to make choices. In a diabetic, this leads to life-threatening situations. 

Long-term blood sugar fluctuations are very bad. 
This can be checked by a blood test. 

The progress is one that leads to diabetic seizures.
While these can at first be treated by rescue glucose, eventually they will need rescue injections. There is also a mechanism by which the adrenals can take over and rescue a diabetic from a near-coma situation. Both the injection and the adrenals kicking in, use up excess stores of rescue hormones in the body. The injection doesn't really contain any life-saving medicine, just triggers the release of the hormones that save the life. So, if it has been used once, the next week or so is iffy for rescue injection.

I would suspect that when alcohol doesn't kill him quickly enough, his inhibitions due to brain damage will lead to abuse of insulin, not adhering to protocol and testing. 

I'd distance yourself now because caring for a diabetic in this condition that you are legally responsible for is a losing proposition. 

The best you'd be able to do is to have him declared incompetent as a danger to self and others (diabetics can act irrationally when blood sugar is unstable) if and when he progresses to that point, and then institutionalize him. You could MAYBE get him declared disabled and have a chance at Social Security and Medicare for him. But you would likely have to lose most or all of your own resources to do that. 

Divorce or legal separation would be most prudent and humane for all of you: your H, yourself and your son. 

Yes, your H is killing himself, and for what it's worth, he is not concerned at all what happens to you or your son. In fact, he is afraid to live and will enjoy your company in his misery. But, there are professionals who can provide him with that kind of company. If you allow him to drag you down with him he will lose all respect for you and despise you for allowing him to do that. This will only encourage him in making you suffer even more. It's a downward cycle.

If you want more insight, you can check the Joslin Clinic's web site. They have a message board that offers support for diabetic co-dependents, where the illness is used in a narcissistic suicidal self-sacrificing attention-getting manipulative way.

You will see the difference between healthy diabetics and people who have comorbidity of mental illness.


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## whodoyouthinkyouare (Jun 28, 2011)

WOW, thank you for all this information. It's unsettling, but makes complete sense. I am going to go check out that website as well. It is a downward cycle for him and it's unfortunate he doesn't see it. He's doing so well counting carbs and dosing his insuling but his BS's are still all over the place and I'm sure it's because of the alcohol. Thank you again.


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## whodoyouthinkyouare (Jun 28, 2011)

Hi again. I cannot find this message board. I searched Joslin codependency support, etc. but couldn't find that specific forum. Can you help me with a link possibly? Thanks!


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