# Tangled web



## Jcolli367 (Mar 29, 2016)

I posted in another forum but this seems like a more appropriate board. My husband and I met in highschool and married 5 years later for a total of 20 years together. He is a serial cheater who now thinks he is a sex addict. He has admitted that he searches out relationships with other people and they seem to find him. I have become the detective who checks up and questions everything and assumes the worst. Two years ago I saw some text messages between him and another woman and kind of checked out of the marriage in a sense. At that time I started a friendship with a coworker and a few months ago it became physical. Not sex but physical just the same. I ended the relationship a few weeks ago and decided to move working areas so that I didn't see this person anymore. I started seeing a therapist and at my last appointment my husband called and apparently I hit the answer button instead of the dismiss button and he heard my entire session. He is devastated and I can understand completely. He heard things that no one should have to hear. I am completely numb at the moment. I don't know what to do. I never thought I would end up in this situation. I have never seen him in this state. He is showing more emotion than i have ever seen him show in our lives together. He wants to work it out and wants me to go all in on fixing things but I am in a total state of confusion. I am having a hard time opening up and allowing myself to be vulnerable. What do i do?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

he has been a serial cheater but now it is all about you cheating on him? There is something wrong with that picture. What has he ever done to make things right for you, sounds like nothing? His reaction is rich , typically selfish.
Tell him you have had enough of him and his cheating, you made a huge mistake but you need space to sort out your own emotions and you are not doing it for him but yourself. If he wants the marriage to work he also needs to get on a program and sort out his cheating/ addiction. Don't make any decisions right now.


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

Jcolli367 said:


> What do i do?


What is going to make the relationship work isn't an "everything I can do" approach. It is not genuine and speaks from desperation. In working with a client, I indicated that the one that is enlightened and actually trying to save the relationship has to be the one that is a point of stability. This entails not overdoing things and it entails not backing off completely. If we back off completely, the relationship crumbles. If we overdo things, we are only setting the relationship up for failure when the efforts (necessarily) dwindle.

Relationships don't fix themselves overnight. They could only do that if both individuals had the appropriate personal and interpersonal tools under their belt. Had they, there would be no crisis in the first place. You will be battling with vestiges of the past unhealthy relationship, from him and from you. You will only become overwhelmed.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Ever hear of criminals who "wanted to get caught"? They commit a crime but leave plenty of clues so the police can figure out who they are. So now you've done that. You probably always had in the back of your mind that it would be a great relief if everything was out in the open.

Well, now it is. Grab this opportunity to put EVERYTHING on the table for discussion... his cheating, your cheating, the issues that lead both of you to cheating, the need for therapy, counseling and/or divorce. The mistake you made may be just the thing to figure this whole mess out.


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## Seliah03 (Mar 13, 2016)

My husband is a serial cheater as well who is currently attending saa meetings for sex addiction and therapy. I understand completely the feelings you are having but you have to realize that yes you did something wrong in your relationship but you are not the one who broke it. Of course you are not going to be able to open yourself up and become vonerable because that had brought nothing but pain. Every time you let him in he broke your heart until eventually you started pushing him away and looking for love in other places. You made a mistake but he has pushed you into this position. If he cares about you and you care for him then there is always hope but it's a long hard road. My husband and I are not together but living together. He is doing everything he can to help himself become a better person and I have told him that I can't imagine us having a future together. He is getting help for himself..I have been supportive but I feel that the damage is too great. No one can tell you how you should feel or what you should do in this situation including him. He has to take his share of responsibility for your relationship being at this point.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Jcolli367 said:


> I posted in another forum but this seems like a more appropriate board. My husband and I met in highschool and married 5 years later for a total of 20 years together. He is a serial cheater who now thinks he is a sex addict. He has admitted that he searches out relationships with other people and they seem to find him. I have become the detective who checks up and questions everything and assumes the worst. Two years ago I saw some text messages between him and another woman and kind of checked out of the marriage in a sense. At that time I started a friendship with a coworker and a few months ago it became physical. Not sex but physical just the same. I ended the relationship a few weeks ago and decided to move working areas so that I didn't see this person anymore. I started seeing a therapist and at my last appointment my husband called and apparently I hit the answer button instead of the dismiss button and he heard my entire session. He is devastated and I can understand completely. He heard things that no one should have to hear. I am completely numb at the moment. I don't know what to do. I never thought I would end up in this situation. I have never seen him in this state. He is showing more emotion than i have ever seen him show in our lives together. He wants to work it out and wants me to go all in on fixing things but I am in a total state of confusion. I am having a hard time opening up and allowing myself to be vulnerable. What do i do?


What is it that you're hanging onto w/ such desperation?

Sure, your serially wayward husband is heartbroken NOW, but let's face it -- it won't be long before he's out on the prowl again. And Hell... that's assuming that he's not _already_ back at it.

End this sham of a marriage before you allow it to further compromise your integrity. And even if you're able to avoid falling back into that, it's highly unlikely that your WH will be able to display the same resolve.

End it now.


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

Wow....Freaking double standard your man has....

Sure an affair was poor coping on your part, but look, you ENDED IT and found yourself in counseling working on it. Your husband is entitled to the hurt he feels but if he shows you ANY anger its just wrong in my book. You stopped it, and YOU WERE TRYING TO BE A BETTER PERSON. he is still the same ****ty person who stuck his wick in too many holes. 

Please see how unhealthy he is. He obviously sees women as objects and you having another man in your life makes him think you don't belong to him. He is seriously flawed in how he thinks about the women around him. UNHEALTHY! You are not HIS to own, you have a heart and mind of your own and he abused that heart and mind. Should not be a surprise to him that he did enough damage that you might want to feel better. Does not make your actions RIGHT, it just makes your actions relatable to him, and he ISNT relating them.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

GusPolinski said:


> End it now.


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

It's a bad dynamic. So bad you find yourself buying into it. 

Exit while you can.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

Being married to a serial cheater & a sex addict must be torture. 
Dealing with one A almost breaks most BS. 
It must be like being in permanent false R. 

His reaction now that he's at the wrong end of it is interesting. 
He doesn't want to lose the anchor he had back at headquarters while he had multiple affairs. 

I'd be checking out of this mess permanently if you can. 
You already said you checked out of the M two years ago & started friendship with coworker.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Actually, he needed to hear that to find out what kind of a person he really is.

It might do him good.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
A significant part of the personality of a person who can engage in serial cheating is a sense of superiority to everyone else. They are better and consequently the pain they inflict is not significant because it does not pain them. This superiority also make them feel entitled to "special" treatment since they are, in their minds, very special.

What you have done, in part, is to force your H to see that he is not so special after all. He probably feels devastated by your "betrayal" but not so much as it pertains to his shortcomings but rather his trying to grasp how you could do something so common to such a special person. However, a portion of his angst may actually stem from his ability to see himself as not so important after all. It is this realization, if it indeed exists, that may be leverage for you to use to turn your marriage around, if you so desire.

There is no way to know the depth of his feelings nor the actual impact this has had on him however, if you have any desire to try and salvage your marriage this may be your opportunity. If you are inclined to do so, I would approach this from a position of extreme skepticism. He must prove both in word and deed that he truly understands the effects his actions have had on you. If he cannot then your only option is to either accept what you have had in this marriage or to leave.

Consider this carefully because, the reasons notwithstanding, you are now a cheater and will be carrying that baggage into your next relationship. I wish you good fortune.


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## Jcolli367 (Mar 29, 2016)

This whole mess has seemingly triggered something in him that I have never seen before. He went to see a therapist and is listening to marriage counseling audio tapes. He is praying and talking about joining a church. It is seriously throwing me off because this is not the person that I know. He has also confessed to me that he had a sexual relationship with the wife of one of his friends and that he visits massage parlors. He said that he ended the relationship in June of 2014 but I have a hard time believing it because she sent us both birthday cards and a Christmas card this past year and even texted him happy birthday and happy new years in January. We also had dinner with them last year and he was trying to make plans with them recently. I am so tired of being confused and feeling like a crazy person.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

OK, so expose the affair to the friend (OW's husband).
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## QuietSoul (Feb 11, 2012)

Wow. So sorry hun  x o 

As the W of a sex addict myself, I can relate to some of what you have been through. 

If he had beena serial cheater, I won't say it's impossible that he could be reformed, but I do urge you to protect yourself right now and focus on you so you can heal.

May I ask how long it has been since you broke it off? If a matter of weeks or months, I would not under any circumstances advise you to take him back. If there was ever a chance of that happening (and do not give him hope where there is likely none) he would need to do some serious work and come to grieve over the pain he has caused you. 

Re his current grief over your cheating, there could be a chance that it is a revelation for him , a lesson of empathy, of what it feels like to be on the receiving end of betrayal and what it is he has put you through. It sounds like he is making some sincere effort On his own account regardless if what you ultimatelyvqant re reconciliation, which is another good sign. But from my experience, that is not yet his "rock bottom". He has quite a ways to go on his recovery journey.

It is good that he confessed that to you, if it us the entire truth of the matter, bit if you feel it is not (and you have every reason to be suspicious) call him out on it. He may come clean completely or he may not, but it will show you where he is up to on his recovery journe . It could also be that this woman is also trying to maintain some appearance of a normal relationship with the both of you (**** her poison cards, she can stick them up her arse, how dare she!) And as for your H who had wanted to meet up with hervagsin, very unsober behavior right there. On a superficial level, heay have told himself that they were back to old times are affair days and could prove to himself thstbthey could have a mormsl platonic meet up. It's not uncommon for cheaters or addicts to think this way. 

Your H has a ways to go in his recovery, and above all protect yourself and guard your heart


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