# Is he mean or am I just sensitive?



## sara_metricfan

Hi, my name is Sara. 

My husband and I have been together since 2005. I was only 17 when we married. I'm now 21. Our relationship is good then again maybe not. He's a great guy... he works hard... really hard, he's always stressing about money when we're actually doing pretty great for ourselves. He just stresses out a lot. We both work and I go to school. Oh and we have a 4 year old daughter together. He's a great father.

I personally think he's a great catch there is just some things about him that make me want to stray.

He stresses out a lot
He playfully or sometimes even mean spiritedly calls me a retard, stupid, an idiot.
He's not affectionate at all.
He says that he's given up on romance; he just really whips it out and tells me to well hmm "suck it" or says "hey you want to do it?". 
He says I don't help him out enough when I don't understand how else I can help him; I work, I do all the house chores (laundry, dishes, cleaning, pick up after everyone, cook--etc).
He has double standards. He'll for example talk about how having a threesome with a girl is O.K. but with another man it is not. --- We're not having threesomes.. it's just an example of his double standards.
He's "cheated" on me in the past. I don't know if it is cheating but my heart says it is. Three years ago he signed up for those adult sex sites. He only had the account for about a month and he swore up and down he never met anyone. I however think differently. 

I am always the one to want to leave and he's always the one convincing me to stay. He cries, pleads, begs. 

My best friend says that it's because he knows that he'll have a hard time finding a girl that'll "mommy" him. If he's hungry, I'll make him something. As retarded as this sounds I'll even take his socks or pants off of him if he asks me to.

I feel a little worn now. I feel like some sort of sadness in my heart. Like he doesn't respect me or even I don't know "see" me.

Sure there are times where things are good but it seems like the times that he calls me an idiot or gives me a look that all the good things seem to "blur".

Ah well.. I don't know what to do. This is more of a vent really. I'm just really sad right now.

Thanks


----------



## Syrum

I think calling you names is abusive.

He is treating you very badly. No wonder you aren't happy, you deserve better.

Someone who loves you will also take care of you, help you in the house, tell you they love you and how attracted they are to you., flirt with you, want to turn you on and have a mutually satisfying sex life. They will also do nice things for you, and really treasure you and love you.

I think you can plainly state your needs, ask for counseling and if he won't make the effort needed and sustain it, then I'd move on.


----------



## unbelievable

Pretty much every father stresses over money to some degree. It's just what we do and you wouldn't want a guy who didn't occasionally worry about the family finances. 
Name calling is juvenile, abusive, unproductive, and just plain stupid. I personally believe that bringing other folks into the marital bed (male or female) is just asking for trouble. Why would he want two when he's not taking care of the one he has?


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

He's abusive, not just mean.
This can happen to any woman.
It happened to me.
Among other concerns, I did not want my daughter to be influenced by a person like this. So I chose to leave the relationship. 
I tried all the different approaches of how to handle a bully or adapt to protect myself in abusive relationship, but he is still the same person. There's only so much adapting a person can do and still be a person. Your instinct to want to leave is a healthy one. Pay attention to it, not to the tears.


----------



## trey69

Sorry, but I'm not real sure why you feel he is a great catch. People who are great catches, don't usually call others names, or cheat, and not affectionate to the one he claims to love. 

You seem to enmeshed with him, or "into" him to much as far as doing a lot for him,and he isn't enough into you, not like he should be in a loving healthy way. I doubt this will get better, unless he enters into some kind of counseling. Expect more of this if you stay or unless he changes. The hardest part will be how long you should actually stay in hopes he will change, that may or may never happen.


----------



## whodoyouthinkyouare

Hi there hun. I'd like to share some things with you as I''m in a marriage similar to yours for 18 years - been together a total of 20. I can tell you first off - he will never change. These type of men never change. They TELL you they will change, but they don't. They TELL you it will never happen again, but it does. They TELL you over and over again but nothing changes. My husband has been emotionally and verbally abusive for years, unfortunately I was too young and too naive to know what "red flags" were when I was dating him and for the first few years into our marriage. Then when we hadour son it got worse. That is when someone said to me "he is verbally abusive". I said, huh? I thought abuse couild only be physical - then I got a few more eye openers as my parents gave me a book on it. THen I scoured the internet and I found SO MANY stories I was dumbfounded. Since I learned about what I was dealing with it these are the steps I have taken over the past eight years.
1. I have made myself more aware of the things he does and says. 
2. I have kept a journal (I will need it someday).
3. I have been detaching from him slowly.
4. I have dealt with more EA/VA.
5. I have asked him to go to counseling several times.
6. I have spoken with my pastor and now recently, with a person who is a therapist.
7. This week I will be opening up a savings account, getting things prepared for when I do leave (copy important papers), pack an emergency get away bag, because I'm anticipating it to escalate a bit when I tell him I want a separation.

We have a 9 yo son. He has also emotionally and verbally abused him. My hsuband also drinks whiskey every day 4-5 drinks - not a full-blown alcoholic, but a functioning alcoholic. We need to get out.

I'm only telling you my story to help you see that unless THEY (not you) are willing to make those changes, counseling, THEY admit they have a problem (and it's not just you being overly emotional or overly sensitive or crazy!), this relationship will not get better, it will only get worse. 

I wish you the best of luck and PM me anytime. GOOD LUCK


----------



## CallaLily

And what are the good qualities about him that keep you there?
Or is your self esteem so low you know nothing else to do?


----------



## younglove1

Wow Sara im in the same boat minus the baby. My husband works all the time and calls me names too and I baby him all the time and I'm on this site too wo.during should I just leave him. I feel your pain. What I am doing is I gave him an ultimatum either stop calling me names and being mean or I am out of the relationship.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

I stopped overthinking and signed a lease on a new place. After that everything is easy. I mean, putting energy into a dead end abusive relationship takes a lot of energy, once you divert the flow and add the multiplier of doing something positive for yourself and children, even if it won't be perfect, it's so much easier than one would think.


----------



## sara_metricfan

Okay-- lots of replies. I like that! It helps. Negative or positive feedback is great in my opinion because I want "fresh eyes".

The qualities I do like about him?
He provides for his family- never has there been a time where we went to bed hungry.
He buys things for me. Sure material things don't "make" a marriage but that's something I do like!
He's a hard worker-- he always finds jobs if he does get laid off. He is not lazy when it come to that.
He's a pretty good dad. I don't find him abusive at all towards our daughter!
He can really fix anything. Most guys I know are dumbfounded by tools. He just knows how to fix a car.. if the plumbing in the house goes out he'll fix it. He's really handy.
He strives to succeed. He only wants the best of the best and really wants to make something of himself.
He pays my way through school. Not much of a quality but I sure do appreciate it.

I wish he were more affectionate. I wish he were gentle--er with his words. I wish he didn't have double standards. I wish he didn't think my job was more of a hobby than a "real" job. He's always thought that his jobs trump mine. If we both had a 8 hour shift, I still do the cooking, cleaning... etc. 

I see that most of you have had experience when it comes to this kind of man. 

To be honest I don't know what to think. I have my moments, like last night, where I feel so alone and sad. But then most of the time I feel fine, like nothing ever happened and I just concentrate on my school.

A part of me wants to leave after I'm done school (I finish in October of this year, since I'm doing my school over the summer). Then another part of me starts to think "what if I leave and I make a horrible mistake? What if he isn't so bad? What if I never find a hard-working guy that'll give me things like he does (sounds a little materialistic here but I'm just being honest)."

Opinions? More advice? 

Thank-you.


----------



## onepotatotwo

You mentioned alot of things that he *does* but not alot about him specifically that makes you happy...know what I mean?
Sure he can fix a flat tire but he doesn't treat you right...
I get where you're coming from and I can see you doing the mental list of positives vs. negs... Unfortunately, that's just part of it...that's the analytical part. The emotional part is there too. 
Have you tried making a list of things specifically about his personality and how he *is* that you like and what you don't like?

I can't tell you what the right thing to do is because I'm in a bad way myself, but I can see that you are obviously unhappy with the situation and he isn't helping. From my own experience, it doesn't get better... How people are, it's how they are going to stay for the most part--no amount of promises will change that...


----------



## sara_metricfan

You know what onepotatotwo... I never thought of that. I did just list the things he does not what I like about him. 

Now that I think about it I don't like HIM. He's stubborn, he's self righteous. He's cynical, he's a pessimist by nature. 

The last (big) fight we got into was last month.

Last month he got into a car accident.

I guess he was driving and he looked down at the GPS and when he looked up the sun was in his eyes and he hit the car in front of him.

Fast forward 3 weeks later. I get into a car accident. My daughter either threw the balloon at me or it so happened that the wind blew it. Either way the balloon got stuck between me and the steering wheel. Next thing I know (I was driving in a narrow road where cars were parked on both sides of the road)-- I hit a parked car. My right head light hit another car's left tail light. 

My husband was furious. He punched a door. Yelled at me. Said I was stupid and how could a balloon cause an accident. Said that I can't drive any more-- well prefers me not to. He really made me cry that night. I didn't do any of those things when he got into a car accident. Sure he later apologized for doing that but from time to time he still says things "well if SOMEONE didn't crash the car"-- like he's never gotten into a car accident.

It stuff like that that bothers me.


----------



## Runs like Dog

That's a d^ck move. And anyway, who cares about minor fender benders? As long as everyone didn't get Medevac'd out with the jaws of life, who cares? Some sheet metal, some forcible rape by the insurance company? 

My wife regularly gets in minor accidents. And one not minor: she hit a washing machine left (somehow?) in the middle of the highway. My son totaled one car and beat the living hell out of another. My other son twisted my wife's arm to let him drive her 13 day old car, was speeding and hit a brick mailbox. My last fender scraper was around 1992 I think. A woman driving her son's BMW t-boned me in a parking lot. And before that, in 1979 a woman in my car dropped a lit cigarette on me causing me to rearend a 1970 Polara at a red light. Every 2 years or so 
I get another speeding ticket. So that's my vice. 

But if no one's getting injured or sued I figure, what the hell.


----------



## Runs like Dog

I did total a rental car about 15 years ago. A retread flew off a tractor trailer and tore off most of the bodywork on the front of the car. I left that one out.


----------



## Jellybeans

sara_metricfan said:


> You know what onepotatotwo... I never thought of that. I did just list the things he does not what I like about him.
> 
> Now that I think about it I don't like HIM. He's stubborn, he's self righteous. He's cynical, he's a pessimist by nature.
> 
> The last (big) fight we got into was last month.
> 
> Last month he got into a car accident.
> 
> I guess he was driving and he looked down at the GPS and when he looked up the sun was in his eyes and he hit the car in front of him.
> 
> Fast forward 3 weeks later. I get into a car accident. My daughter either threw the balloon at me or it so happened that the wind blew it. Either way the balloon got stuck between me and the steering wheel. Next thing I know (I was driving in a narrow road where cars were parked on both sides of the road)-- I hit a parked car. My left head light hit another car's right tail light.
> 
> My husband was furious. He punched a door. Yelled at me. Said I was stupid and how could a balloon cause an accident. Said that I can't drive any more-- well prefers me not to. He really made me cry that night. I didn't do any of those things when he got into a car accident. Sure he later apologized for doing that but from time to time he still says things "well if SOMEONE didn't crash the car"-- like he's never gotten into a car accident.
> 
> It stuff like that that bothers me.


Oh hello, double standards. Sara, your husband sounds like my ex-husband (namecalling, no affection, the snappy temper seemingly out of nowhere, the cheating, the looking online for sex on internet sitse (mine also maintains to this day that he "NEVER" met anyone. Um, sure).

Ask yourself: how does he make you FEEL as a woman? Respected? Valued? Appreciated? Loved? Does he make you happy? Does he enhance your life? Does he treat you as an equal? Listen to you? Validate you? Hear you out when you have a concern? Value your opinion?

Your hub has issues. And nothing YOU can do will change him. He can only stop this crap behavior if he so chooses to.
My guess if he doesn't think anything's wrong so he tells you that counselling is stupid. Does he blame you for everything? When he gets mad, does it say it's because of something that YOU did? If you are affectionate with him, does he blow you off?

He sounds like an emotional abuser. They get worse over time.


----------



## whodoyouthinkyouare

I agree with Jellybeans. Everything she said. :iagree:


----------



## sara_metricfan

He doesn't make me feel respect me, I feel like he doesn't value me or really appreciate me. I do however, in a weird way, feel like he does love me-- I don't think he'd move from from Florida to Canada if he didn't. He does tell me he loves me. It's not like he's complete frigid d-bag. I feel like he loves me but doesn't respect me--- if that makes sense.

It's funny though, I don't feel appreciated yet he says that I'm unappreciative-- I don't show it enough. I don't know how else to show it?

I know he's not going to change, and I'm really not waiting for it. 

All I want to do at this point is manage through this thing and finish school. 

Thanks for the advice too, it feels nice to be "heard".


----------



## onepotatotwo

I agree with Jellybeans...it does *not* get better. On some fundamental level, your H is not 'nice' to you. However he is as a person in general, *at home* where it matters, he sounds like a jerk. And like I said in my own post, you can't change someone else or 'make them like you'...

It's ironic how people can see the problems in other's relationships...but when it comes to our own, we seem to be blind sometimes. I'm just starting now to wake up to my own relationship problems...and I can see that my H is alot like yours and others here. For me, I'm beginning to realize I deserve better...again I must refer to the Horrorpops "I don't wanna be treated cold and often left alone....I deserve better than that..."
Those lyrics really stuck in my head and made me realize that that's exactly how I'm treated--cold and uncared for...And my H doesn't care how lonely I am just as long as he gets to go wherever he wants and do what he wants...

I hope you find a place of peace in your life too whatever you decide to do.


----------



## Jellybeans

Sara, another thing I was going to say was you guys got married REALLY young.



sara_metricfan said:


> . I feel like he loves me but doesn't respect me--- if that makes sense.
> 
> It's funny though, I don't feel appreciated yet he says that I'm unappreciative-- I don't show it enough. I don't know how else to show it?


Have you ASKED him how you can make you feel appreciated?

Thing is, this negativity he has, this name-calling, making you feel bad, holding you to a different standard, punching walls out over nonsense--is a problem HE has and it has nothing to do with you. 

Until he can see/accept his part in this, then you are facing an uphill battle. 

You said it all when you said:

_He doesn't make me feel respect me, I feel like he doesn't value me or really appreciate me._

I've been you before. People like your husband do NOT change.


----------



## SLRLeann

I read your first post and didn't read any responses. Wanted to say I've been married for 18 years and our marriage started off JUST like that. slowely got to where I basically kissed his but while he sat around and complained about what I did or didn't do right. 18years!. Your being a doormat and I think you know you are. I wonder if you lack a bit of self esteem to stand up and say "hey, take off your own socks and the next time you call me a retard knowing I don't like it I'll help you pack"

If he REALL does love you -- walk. He'll change. He'll wake up and realize it ain't gonna cut it no more. If he doesn't change ... trust me you don't want to end up 44years old realizing you've spent your entire life wishing he were different and kicking yourself in the butt for not doing something about it.


----------



## Jellybeans

I agree with SLR. If you walk and he doesn't want you bad enough to change, then you have your answer. I had to do that and he didn't even fight. Kept blaming me for it all. We're divorced nwo and he STILL texts me about how sad he is for losing everything yet HE is the one who filed divorce and kept thraetening divorce anytime we got into a disagreement.

To this day, he does not own that our marriage ended because HE terminated it all on his own. 

Crazy!


----------



## purrhotstuff

Sara it is not going to get better as you get older. Trust me, and as you get older, your fuse for that will get shorter shorter.

My father was like that with my mother. She put up with that crap for a few decades. Now they are both retired, and when they fight, she blows up on him in a second. My dad looks at her like she's crazy, even calls her that...but it's years of that resentment pent up and now spewing out. She can't help it. She took it for so long.

If you love your husband, seek some kind of counseling. If you are too afraid to talk to him about your feelings, in fear of retaliation, you got even bigger problems on your hands and you need to react accordingly.

His behavior will only get worse over time. Your inaction will reinforce his belief that it is perfectly okay to treat you this way.


----------



## sara_metricfan

Oh we've talked. It's just oh god pointless really. I've decided to leave him after I finish school this October. I'll be moving to another city with our daughter (I have a job opportunity there). 

I haven't seen him for the past two days--- he's at a friends. I do feel lonely and bored but I feel better too... just having him gone makes me feel better about myself.

It's been decided, the gavel has struck.


----------



## still

I understand this post is old but I feel as though I'm in the same boat. I am a sensitive type. I don't curse but sometimes I say things without knowing they're hurtful because I forget myself, so does that make me abusive? My mom used to smoke and when I was talking to her about my ex smoking in front of his kids not caring if they get sick or not, I forgot to tell my mom, no offense, but she did not say anything. Or I said to my son I don't know who your friends are they may be druggies? I sensed that he's thinking that I'm a bit strange to say that, prejudging people, but I was just concerned about him. He does not hang out with other kids anyway outside of school. Sounds like I'm crazy you think?

I thought Sara can relate to me and I just wanted to share how my husband treats me. My husband is not violent and would never physically abuse me or cheat on me. I totally trust him with that. However he is condescending, if that is the word, sort of look down on people. If he sees someone as dumb he will call you retard, dumb, stupid. I don't mind being called dumb, but not the other words. We recently were discussing something regarding school safety. I disagree and had my own ideas, and he used the word. I just took it and though it hurts I left him at that. After all he provides for me and my kids. I'm thinking I depend on him so much on everything. He talks about my son being retard as well, which I don't like hearing. 

His job is not stressful. Perhaps he wishes I found a job, even a part time. Thanks


----------

