# I am not sure if I want to be single?



## Cyclist (Aug 22, 2012)

Short backround.

Married 23 years. Just finishing a VERY long divorce. Will be final next month

Girlfriend of 2.5 years and I moved in together about a year ago.

I have 3 teenagers, she has 2. Im 45, she is 40. Only one teenager is with us full time, then we have them all every other weekend.

Shes beautiful, has a pretty solid job, and has a lot of qualities.

BUT,

There are things missing and we have been fighting like cats and dogs lately.

If its not about kids, its about finances, if its not that its her insecurities about just about everything. If its not that, its about sex. I have a pretty strong sex drive and hers is medium and she has NO want to be aggressive at all or initiate.

I should be happy. Most people probably would. But there are things that we just dont agree on. She is a perfectionist and almost to the point of being neurotic about certain things. Like the house. If its not SPOTLESS she cant stand it. I like a clean house also...but it doesnt kill me if the floor is not spotless. I can not seem to impress upon her the fact that she needs to relax.....just a bit, and go with the flow a little. Doesnt mean you go completly the other way and be a pig. JUST dont let things get to you so badly. Its hurting our relationship.

Our sex life can be wonderful. But of course I wish it was more often like it used to be and would like her to want me just a bit, just now and then come after me. She says its not in her. 

Anyway.....I dont know if I am overreacting, if I am being to picky, if I dont see the future as bright as I would like and just wanted a bit of input from you guys as I am a little frustrated.
At this point in my life I dont want to have the arguments and the fussing over things....I just want to enjoy the expriences that life has to offer.


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

what is the dilemma? It seems rather simple stay and these problems persist or leave and try and find someone else and ideally they would not be similar to your possibly soon be ex. 

Best of luck


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

As someone just finishing a divorce, I'm surprised that you chose to move in with someone else right away. I don't get the timing...you've been dating 2.5 years, but are just now getting a divorce? :scratchhead:

Anyway, sounds like too much, too soon. All relationships have the compatibility struggles like the ones you bring up, to varying degrees or varying types of struggles. Commitment means you've decided to work through whatever struggles and issues you have. I think you may not have committed in your heart, and may not want to or be ready to commit fully to her (or anyone) yet.


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## Cyclist (Aug 22, 2012)

norajane said:


> As someone just finishing a divorce, I'm surprised that you chose to move in with someone else right away. I don't get the timing...you've been dating 2.5 years, but are just now getting a divorce? :scratchhead:
> 
> Anyway, sounds like too much, too soon. All relationships have the compatibility struggles like the ones you bring up, to varying degrees or varying types of struggles. Commitment means you've decided to work through whatever struggles and issues you have. I think you may not have committed in your heart, and may not want to or be ready to commit fully to her (or anyone) yet.


I was separated and we were negotiating the divorce when we met. I wasn't really looking for something like a relationship but we met each other at a time in our lives where we kinda fit. We enjoyed our time together very much and have made it through some trying times. 

It's taken 4 years to get the divorce done..... I know that's rediculous. But it is what it is at this point.

Commitment is probably the issue. I may not be as committed as I probably should be. I would imagine she senses that and it has caused her some issues. You mix that in with exes and a boatload of teenage hormones and it becomes difficult. But to this point we have made it through.

There are just some things that I am having trouble overlooking. Like Springsteen says "you gotta learn to live with what you can't rise above". I'm having trouble living with some of the things like I said earlier. The inflexability, insecurity, and everything having to be just so. Funny thing is I used to be very similar and have learned to take things more in stride and have seen how much easier life can be.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

> I'm having trouble living with some of the things like I said earlier. The inflexability, insecurity, and everything having to be just so. Funny thing is I used to be very similar and have learned to take things more in stride and have seen how much easier life can be.


How did you learn to do that? Maybe that's something you can teach her?


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## cloudwithleggs (Oct 13, 2011)

She doesn't initiate it's not in her you say and no aggressive ****ing, meh, just don't get married. 

Initiating all the time gets boring fast, plus you as a man need to feel desired.


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## Cyclist (Aug 22, 2012)

norajane said:


> How did you learn to do that? Maybe that's something you can teach her?



I'm trying to express that to her. How if she would just relax a bit it would help. She thinks it's all in or all out.

Example.....I work from home. If she comes home and there is a dish in the sink the kitchen is a mess and she is NOT happy. A DISH. Now we keep about the cleanest house you could find....but if something is out of place it's a mess.

I've tried to help her relax, I help with all housework, I cook, etc. but she still thinks its all or nothing.


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

Sounds like you're enabling her to some degree possibly? 

Stop jumping through her unreasonable hoops. Stop arguing. Let her know that this is not okay with you, and if it doesn't change, you can't see living like this for the long run. Now, she'll likely cry, stomp, yell, throw a fit, or otherwise argue...because it has worked for her up to this point. Don't let it work for her anymore. Tell her it's not okay...and if she keeps it up, start pulling back.

There is nothing saying SHE has to be happy all the time at your expense. That means, if you are otherwise neat and orderly, but a dish gets left in the sink, so be it. She can clean it if it bothers her. She should not be making your life miserable by harping on you about it. Really...it's a freakin' DISH! Why is she getting bent out of shape about it?

I went through this to a degree with my W. She's not as neat as I am. Half empty coffee cups on the counter, table, whereever are the norm. As she is so wonderful in all other areas, I accept it. I tried to tease her about it, but it didn't change much. That's just her. If it bothers me, I pick up the damn thing and, gasp....WASH IT!!!! It's done in all of about 30 seconds, and we go on with life. Were it her taking me for granted, it might be a different story. But she doesn't, and it's not. So, I overlook small things. Maybe your W should do the same for you.

It's not about the dish. It's about her making a huge deal out of the dish. Stop letting her do it.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

You were married at 22? So I guess you were dating your wife from say twenty years old or younger? And you’ve three teenagers from your marriage.

It sounds like you’ve been with a “significant other” from say twenty to the age you are now. Which means you’ve never spent time by yourself as an adult. You will have probably changed in some deep and fundamental ways since you were a “young man” but you’re unlikely to have actually caught up with those changes.

You are also at quite a critical time in your life. Mid life is a time when as a man we “re-evaluate”. This entails looking back to see where we’ve come from and how we arrived at this point in time. It is a time of some introspection, to kind of “discover who we are today”. When we’ve done that we start to look into the future to see where we are going if we stay on the path we’re currently on. This latter seems like what you are doing now.

At the stage you’re at in your life we kind of have a strong need to “regroup” ourselves. To kind of re-baseline getting ready for the second stage of our life. At these times we may well look at our life up to retirement and beyond.

Maybe you need to be by yourself for a while, a year or two. To discover who you are inside amongst all the clutter of the life that goes on around you.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

I'm of the opinion that on the second go around you should not settle for someone that you are not 100% compatible with. You shouldn't on the first go around either for that matter but usually at that stage in life you don't really know any better. If these little issues aren't on their way to getting better I think they're only going to grow into bigger issues. I think you need to have a sit down and discuss where you think the relationship is going. You need to find a way to live together that is enjoyable for both of you.


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## Why Not Be Happy? (Apr 16, 2010)

Maybe she isn't the one for you...?...
Sit her down and talk about these things that are making you unhappy. See what she really wants and needs and see if it is a "match" with you.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Either couples counseling if BOTh of you want to fix things or go your own ways


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

Toffer said:


> Either couples counseling if BOTh of you want to fix things or go your own ways


All I can offer is this: Don't ignore the flags you see before you now. I did and am regretting staying with my new wife. I should have listened to my gut and ended the relationship a while ago.

Being single is pretty nice.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cyclist (Aug 22, 2012)

Guys,

All of you make some really great points and I want to respond to each of them. Time won't allow me to right now but I wanted to say thank you for the input. Obviously I have some thinking to do.


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## Cyclist (Aug 22, 2012)

donny64 said:


> Sounds like you're enabling her to some degree possibly?
> 
> Stop jumping through her unreasonable hoops. Stop arguing. Let her know that this is not okay with you, and if it doesn't change, you can't see living like this for the long run. Now, she'll likely cry, stomp, yell, throw a fit, or otherwise argue...because it has worked for her up to this point. Don't let it work for her anymore. Tell her it's not okay...and if she keeps it up, start pulling back.
> 
> ...


I may be enabling a bit but keeping a decently clean house is not unreasonable. BUT if I dont make the bed or have a clean kitchen she gets pissy. she doesnt scream and yell, she just gets pissy. I HATE pissy....lol

And you are EXACTLY right. The nail on the head. Its not the dish that is the problem. Its the REACTION to the dish. Ive said it 50 times.....ITS THE REACTION. Maybe you should say to yourself "maybe he was very busy today and just didnt have the time to make the bed" But I work from home and she doesnt understand how I cant take 5 minutes.....and 99 pct of the time I Do. Probably more often then not so she wont be pissy when she gets home, which really is the wrong reason. Being proud of a nice house is a much better reason, not fear of reprisal.

Ive tried the foot down "this is how it is method" I get things thrown back in my face that she thinks are unacceptable that I dont correct. Ughhhh. I just throw my hands up at that point.

Through all this I am realizing that I may be living someone elses life......and I need to reflect on if this is it will I be happy.


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## Cyclist (Aug 22, 2012)

C3156 said:


> All I can offer is this: Don't ignore the flags you see before you now. I did and am regretting staying with my new wife. I should have listened to my gut and ended the relationship a while ago.
> 
> Being single is pretty nice.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I know there were warning signals earlier on. At first it seemed we could do no wrong together. Now it seems we both get pissed over not only stupid things but also obviously the bigger ones.

As far as being single....I havnt been single very long in my life and I think I have a fear. Been through a lot with the divorce, my kids, the collapse of a very good business during this economic issues, etc. Its been tough and has shaken my confidence. I worry that maybe I am being to hard and if I was to leave that I am giving up a good thing and this is as good as it gets. Im sure everyone in this position has to decipher that point.


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## Cyclist (Aug 22, 2012)

AFEH said:


> You were married at 22? So I guess you were dating your wife from say twenty years old or younger? And you’ve three teenagers from your marriage.
> 
> It sounds like you’ve been with a “significant other” from say twenty to the age you are now. Which means you’ve never spent time by yourself as an adult. You will have probably changed in some deep and fundamental ways since you were a “young man” but you’re unlikely to have actually caught up with those changes.
> 
> ...


Yeah I have re grouped to a certain degree. Between the divorce and the close of a very large business my lifestyle has changed dramatically. I think differently about material things-once had a 4 stall garage full of sports cars and remember I still wasnt happy-and I like to live more for the experiences in life than the material things. While she is not materialistic per say, she does like nice things and wants a bit more than I do.

Being by myself scares me a bit, but also freedom excites me. Double edged sword. I want to be in a relationship that we see eye to eye about some issues that are important to both of us. Its getting clear that her and I dont and its tough to deal with. Im the kind of person that blames myself for a lot of things and dont want to walk away not knowing I did what I could and that I am just so hard to live with.


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## Cyclist (Aug 22, 2012)

MaritimeGuy said:


> I'm of the opinion that on the second go around you should not settle for someone that you are not 100% compatible with. You shouldn't on the first go around either for that matter but usually at that stage in life you don't really know any better. If these little issues aren't on their way to getting better I think they're only going to grow into bigger issues. I think you need to have a sit down and discuss where you think the relationship is going. You need to find a way to live together that is enjoyable for both of you.


Is there someone out there we are 100 pct compatable with? Or is it that some people are able to negotiate a peace that both are happy with?

My peaceful negotiations are not going so well! lol


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

Cyclist said:


> I may be enabling a bit but keeping a decently clean house is not unreasonable. BUT if I dont make the bed or have a clean kitchen she gets pissy. she doesnt scream and yell, she just gets pissy. I HATE pissy....lol
> 
> And you are EXACTLY right. The nail on the head. Its not the dish that is the problem. Its the REACTION to the dish. Ive said it 50 times.....ITS THE REACTION. Maybe you should say to yourself "maybe he was very busy today and just didnt have the time to make the bed" But I work from home and she doesnt understand how I cant take 5 minutes.....and 99 pct of the time I Do. Probably more often then not so she wont be pissy when she gets home, which really is the wrong reason. Being proud of a nice house is a much better reason, not fear of reprisal.
> 
> ...


I wondering from this description if she's getting upset about things completely unrelated to you and how the house is kept. She's fixating on these minor things you describe and unleashing pent up frustration that really has nothing to do with them. This leaves you walking on egg shells around her. 

Maybe raise this issue with her. It could be if she's confronted with it she will see it in herself and look for other ways to work off her stress.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

Cyclist said:


> Is there someone out there we are 100 pct compatable with? Or is it that some people are able to negotiate a peace that both are happy with?


That's the million dollar question. You allude to it in your other posts when you weigh whether you should be happy with what you have against your fear of the unknown. 

Personally, I think more often than not we settle for less than we should. That doesn't mean we have to leave someone first time they do something we don't like. It does mean however we need to be strong enough to demand what we want out of the relationship. We must decide what behaviour we can live with, what we can't and clearly communicate this to our partner. 

Remember your partner is just as afraid of going it alone as you are. Laying out deal breakers on the table will motivate her (assuming it's something she can live with) to modify her behaviour accordingly. If not, than you have a decision to make.


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## Cyclist (Aug 22, 2012)

Just an update

Soooo after Monday night snuggling up for a movie and then Tuesday night she had a severe headache....not a joke she really did.....last night she came home and was in a bad way. Work is getting to her, pressure, if a promotion is going to happen, etc etc. she was upset. I consoled her as best I could as well as cooking dinner, had my twin girls over and I helped them, and sat with her trying to help her

930 comes and I say let's get you to sleep, good night sleep will do you good. So we try and fall asleep. She is up and down and tossing and turning. I ask if she's ok, what can I do, etc etc. she wakes me up about 5 times but I'm ok with it, I'm trying to be the understanding guy. At 1230 she wakes me up and says "don't you even want me anymore?". We had snuggled earlier but it wasn't good enough of a snuggle.

She says this is all my doing, that she wants to be close but I don't. I said I want to be close and instead of complaining just be close. If you want to snuggle with me just do it, I've never turned her down. 

This was the argument until 230 AM. I'm like I've done all I can....I've been right here, I've been close....etc. she says it's not enough.

So I bring up the sex. All I've asked is that she initiates once in a while. 2 or 3 times a month, makes me feel wanted. You want my affection everyday, this is what I've asked of you but you can't seem to do it. Why? "its just not in me". 

I held back and didn't say that cuddling every night is not in me....

I'm being blamed for everything here. Seems as though I can't win and truthfully it's turning me off. I am being judged on my response to everything and she's taking everything a bad way.

I'm so frustrated right now I want to scream.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

Perhaps you should consider getting a copy of "The Dance of Anger" by Harriet Lerner. Personally, I think it's probably the best relationship advice I have ever read. It's a good tool for anyone trying to negotiate a difficult relationship. It's all about taking ownership of your own feelings. (i.e. nothing someone does makes you feel a particular way...you feel that way in response to what they do). It proposes a strategy for positive interactions that get to solutions rather than spiral into never ending negativity. 

For example...rather than her accusing you of not cuddling her enough...she could say she would like for you to cuddle her more. That way she takes ownership of her feelings without accusing you of anything and putting you on the defensive. It's a subtle difference but in my mind a powerful one.


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## Why Not Be Happy? (Apr 16, 2010)

Cyclist:
If you still want this relationship-----couples counseling would help. I actually think talking like you did can be helpful and useful but you both need to communicate.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

You sound like a really Nice Guy. You may want to look at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/18181-man-up-nice-guy-reference.html.

Next time she wakes you up smack her bum and tell her to go sleep somewhere else.


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## Cyclist (Aug 22, 2012)

Another update

I don't know if it's me or I just hold on to things or I'm taking everything to hard or what but I just seem to be withdrawing from this relationship and am not happy.

For instance. Every Friday I go to the local watering hole for a couple of drinks with some co workers. All guys, we sit and talk sports, business, etc etc. This last Friday we didn't get there until 5ish and I stayed until 630. She texted me said she was tired and wanted a nap, wew were to go out to dinner. I said ok. That's fine. I left the bar at 645 and thought I should give her a few more minutes to sleep. Stopped by and saw my kids for about 30 mins and got home at 730. 

I could tell right away she wasn't happy but I tried to blow it off and acted very happy to see her, big hugs, changed quick and we were off. For the next 45 minutes I got the cold shoulder. Then it came out.....her nap was shorter than I realized and she had been ready for 20 minutes and I must not be excited about seeing her because I didn't rush right home. Ughhhhhh.

She did get over it but it was a "discussion". I've asked for her to be more flexible and just roll with the punches but it doesn't seem to settle in.

These kind of things just stick in my gut. There have been about 4 instances since Friday of these type of things. All the way to "why do you want to take your daughters shopping when I can't spend any money right now so I don't want to go". Oh I dunno, maybe we could go for my daughter? ORI can take them on my own for a couple of hours? NOPE. That must mean I don't wanna be with her.

I want a loving relationship and a want to be together, but does that mean I give up anything we do apart? We can't spend 2 hours apart?

It just seems there is no flexibility, no give and take, and I am probably making it worse.

Truthfully it's turning me off. I'm tird of the fighting and the arguments and I am probably not helping matters. It's just that everything seems one way and not very much of it is mine.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Cyclist said:


> Commitment is probably the issue. I may not be as committed as I probably should be. I would imagine she senses that and it has caused her some issues. You mix that in with exes and a boatload of teenage hormones and it becomes difficult. But to this point we have made it through.



Commitment is NOT your issue. You're living with the chick for crying out loud.

Whatever problems you have aren't going to be solved by more commitment. Which at this point would logically be marriage. That kind of thing makes your problems worse not better.

You've been dating this chick how long? At most 2.5 years? If you're already putting up with this much crap, imagine how unhappy you'll be in 5 more years.

I think you need to sack up, and either stop accepting the b*tch treatment or get out. Sounds like you've got a case of the "nice guy" syndrome. There's nothing that special about any girl that would make it OK to feel like you have to walk on eggshells like you are.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

She sounds very needy.


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## Dreald (Aug 30, 2012)

She sounds VERY much like my STBX. Controlling, critical and OCD about cleanliness. To the point where water that dripped on the counter when washing my hands set her off. I could only pet her cat a certain way so hair wouldn't be released. 

I did as much as I could but got resentful when more and more of her issues were transferred to me. I accept that looking back I should have taken the No More Mr Nice Guy approach and dealt with it, but unfortunately it's too late. We're divorcing in the next month. 

Am I disappointed our marriage lasted only a short while? Yes. Am I disappointed that I no longer have to walk around on eggshells the rest of my life? No.

IMO, address the issues with her using NMMNG and see what results. If it doesn't correct it, try couples counseling. If that doesn't work, then deep down you know it's time to move on.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Dreald said:


> IMO, address the issues with her using NMMNG and see what results. If it doesn't correct it, try couples counseling. If that doesn't work, then deep down you know it's time to move on.


They aren't married, why waste time on counseling? This isn't an annoying habit, it's a deep seated character flaw. Be thankful he found out she's not good long term potential before he's into her for half of his possessions. If she can't shape up on her own, get out.


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

She sounds really high maintenance and insecure. I don't think it's your job to try and make her feel okay when what she's asking for is so unreasonable and seems to be escalating.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

It is one way. The nap on Friday is classic. Instead of calling you when she woke up she chose to simply wait and then get angry. 

If you pay attention you will discover that if you are constantly reassuring, and literally waiting on her, she won't complain as much. But if she has to wait on you she will get very mad. 

Same thing with sex. You are expected to initiate a lot so that she gets the ego reinforcement that you desire her. And she gets to frequently reject you because what she wants at the moment is always more important than what you want. 

This is 'all about her all the time'


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## Cyclist (Aug 22, 2012)

MEM11363 said:


> It is one way. The nap on Friday is classic. Instead of calling you when she woke up she chose to simply wait and then get angry.
> 
> If you pay attention you will discover that if you are constantly reassuring, and literally waiting on her, she won't complain as much. But if she has to wait on you she will get very mad.
> 
> ...



I am coming to this conclusion.

Case in point my daughters wanted to go to the mall Saturday. The girlfriend had no money to spend. She didnt want to go, and didnt want me to go. I had just taken her the weekend before to the mall and she seemed happy. I baught nothing for myself.

So she ends up going with us, against her will. So I finally said to her you dont have to wait around for us, go wherever you want to. She took that as "get the hell out of here" and truthfully its about what it was but in a very nice way.

This is a point of mine that I have said more than once to her.

Why cant she spend that time with my girls...I have twin 14 year olds....connecting with them? I would love to see her helping them pick out clothes and tell the twins how nice they look in them. Instead she says to me "there are so many things I would like to have here"

Really?? Why cant you give up your time for my daughters? I mean i cant tell you how many things I have done for hers...since she lives with us.

So it seems very one sided like you said. And I have always known it was like this a little bit but have turned my head to some things.

Meanwhile I have emotionally shut down and she knows it. We talked the last couple of night and I admitted that I really have shut down and while I am not treating her bad I certainly am not giving the attention she is used to. She cried last night and I tried to hold her and reassure her eventually it will be ok.....but I am thinking our days are numbered.

Im a little numb to the whole situation right now. Trying to change my focus onto myself, kids, and my business. Starting back at the gym today, got back on my road bike, etc.

If I am making the decision to leave its going to be a messy couple of months.

Thank for all your input


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Well breaking up will never get EASIER the longer you wait.

From what you've posted, your wife reeks of selfishness/narcissism


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## Why Not Be Happy? (Apr 16, 2010)

sounds like you've pretty much made up your mind. when you talk to her----tell her specifics (lack of connection/effort with your daughters, the nap/dinner incident, the neat freak issue, etc.) and let her know that this isn't what you want in a relationship.


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## Cyclist (Aug 22, 2012)

Why Not Be Happy? said:


> sounds like you've pretty much made up your mind. when you talk to her----tell her specifics (lack of connection/effort with your daughters, the nap/dinner incident, the neat freak issue, etc.) and let her know that this isn't what you want in a relationship.


About that lack of connection with my daughters it has been a bit of an issue for a while. She says that my daughters don't try hard enough.....I say she is the adult and should be the one trying to make a connection. My daughters are a little shy and their mother has tried to poison this relationship in the past, but shouldn't she really kind of take them by the hand a bit and make attempts at getting close? Like the shopping trip wouldn't it be wonderful if she grabbed them by the hand and said "how much do we have to spend girls?". And then helped them pick out some great outfits. She does it with her daughter. Instead it's me with my 14 year old daughters trying to suggest different outfits. I do have good taste in clothes but I just think she has again missed the oppurtunity to connect with them because she was pissed that she couldn't spend money herself.

She actually texted me and asked me to buy her something and for the first time I said no.

But then yesterday her flat iron quite and she went into pout mode.....and I gave in. Your right....I'm to much of a nice guy. But I'm reading the book!

I also have a fear of leaving that I need to address with myself. Her ex and his girlfriend have broken up and gotten back together 6 times in the last 2 years. I don't want that and if and when this happens I need to make a clean break and move forward.


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