# Wife's relationships with ex-lovers



## SimplyAGuy (Jun 26, 2013)

Have just married a woman I have lived with for about two years. We are both on our second time around. Both have been swingers. She in the past with her ex husband and after her divorce as a single female. I only after my divorce as a single male. She claims that she and her husband had an open marriage and that he encouraged her to have sex with others. She also seems to have been very liberal all her life when comes to sex. I must say that I have as well. 

We live in the town where she and her husband lived for many years and raised children. I recently learned that some of her old friends that we have been socializing with including in our home are ex lovers. I have told her that I am wiling to put the past in the past but that I really do not want to socialize with ex lovers. We inevitably run into them in town anyway. I also asked that she not have regular contact through text or phone etc. 

She agreed reluctantly. And there were a few relapses where she did text or have contact but in general as far as I know or can know she is not having contact. (it does bother me that it would be very easy for her to have contact as she is home all day and some of the ex's work from their homes very near ours and are now single. Some were married at the time and some still are.) I recently learned that another old male friend had done some nude hottubbing with she and her ex husband. Then while at dinner with another couple they elude to my wife's crazy past and that this ex had told them something.. juicy. Not clear if he told them about the hottubbing or if there is more and he belongs on the "off limits as friends" list. 

I don't mean to be controlling but I just want it to be us with a fresh start and a future where I am not constantly reminded of the past. Well.. am I unreasonable? What do you think I should do?


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

SimplyAGuy said:


> Have just married a woman I have lived with for about two years. We are both on our second time around. Both have been swingers. She in the past with her ex husband and after her divorce as a single female. I only after my divorce as a single male. She claims that she and her husband had an open marriage and that he encouraged her to have sex with others. She also seems to have been very liberal all her life when comes to sex. I must say that I have as well.
> 
> We live in the town where she and her husband lived for many years and raised children. I recently learned that some of her old friends that we have been socializing with including in our home are ex lovers. I have told her that I am wiling to put the past in the past but that I really do not want to socialize with ex lovers. We inevitably run into them in town anyway. I also asked that she not have regular contact through text or phone etc.
> 
> ...


Do NOT be afraid of that word! Setting and enforcing boundaries is NOT controlling!


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

SimplyAGuy said:


> I don't mean to be controlling but I just want it to be us with a fresh start and a future where I am not constantly reminded of the past.


Sounds like you live in a smaller community and will constantly be reminded of the past. Short of moving to a new town, you are never going to be able to run away from it.

You need to ask yourself if you are really okay with her past. It sounds like you were okay with swinging while you were single, but now that you are married you want to be monogamous. I can see the viewpoint, but does your wife share the same view?

This would be a time to sit down with your wife and have a discusssion about how both of you feel with regards to this situation. Do you both have the same view or does hers differ from yours? Communication is key to resolving this issue.


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## SimplyAGuy (Jun 26, 2013)

Well actually on rare ocassion we still swing. Same room only. But this is a rare small compartmentalized part of our relationship. We have talked and we are both willing to give up the swinging but both are fine as a one is a while thing. We have had talks. Her view is that it really doesn't matter that she had sex with these people. She loves me and will never have sex with someone that I do not know about and in situation where I am also involved. They are now just friends. I see a difference between swinging where everyone and their spouses/SO know what is going on and these situation where these guys were married and their spouses did not know. I would not like to running into people we swing with everyday either. We have a few times run into them in non swinger situations but that is rare. We don't invite them to our home etc. I just want to have our life.. and if we swing it is something we do together.. Also when we do swing we only do it with people neither one of us had been with before we know each other. ie. only people we meet together as swingers.


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## SimplyAGuy (Jun 26, 2013)

I should clarify... the guy who was nude hottubbing with her ex husband and another woman.. is a friend.. and not an ex lover. According to her this was like 25 years ago and they have just been friends ever since. I worry that she is not telling me everything because she is afraid I will cut off that friendship which I just might if that was the case. It's complicated.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

I'm always astounded how some guys think that they can date and/or marry somebody that has such a liberal stance on sex and then expect them to magically turn into a lady again. You guys were swingers and the past comes back to haunt you. Give me a break.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I quit reading at the word "swingers".


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

IMHO pal you are treading on dangerous ground given your respective pasts, the fact that the two of you still do the swingers thing, even with the boundaries you have defined, and the proximity of all your wife's ex lovers. You are lighting matches when your relationship is doused in gasoline. Greatly increase the chances of seeing it go up in flames. Have fun while it lasts but don't say we didn't tell you so when the fire erupts.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

There are specific message forums for swingers, where they cover these kinds of issues but specific to those in the swinging community. Why not post your question there where people with relevant experience could offer advice? There are very few people here who would know what to do with your situation, since it is far outside of most people's experience.

.


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## Fleur de Cactus (Apr 6, 2013)

I think it will be hard for both of you to stop what you are doing. You liked each other because you swing and you still swinging!! I don’t see why you want her to stop what she likes to do. Before marrying her did you discuss this? I don’t see that you are going to change her. But if you go to swingers forum maybe you will find an answer there.


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

Swingers have been and always will be weird to me, and I see no point in being married if you are one because in the end it will only turn out badly in most cases.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

SimplyAGuy said:


> I don't mean to be controlling but I just want it to be us with a fresh start and a future where I am not constantly reminded of the past. Well.. am I unreasonable? What do you think I should do?


Here a quick protip: 

When you been swimming in a cesspool for a long time and decide one day you can't handle the smell anymore, its time to get out and shower. While I commend you for being so honest about your swinging lifestyle, swinging is just condoned cheating and will ALWAYS end up in a bad situation.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

You are tryinmg to have your cake and eat it too.

If swinging is OK and not harmful to marriage, then what is the harm of seeing a person she swang with?


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## SimplyAGuy (Jun 26, 2013)

Thanks for the thoughts. I realize that our lilfe is outside the norm. I wonder how much so though. I think you'd be surprised at what goes on in affluent communities in America. The amount of infidelity and swinging, I am coming to realize, is more prevalent than most believe. 

I feel that we are otherwise a normal couple and that swinging is a small aspect not a defining one. As such, I think a desire to not socialize with sex partners from the past is reasonable. She thinks that friendship is very important and does not want to give them up just because she (for example) was sleeping with the guy behind his wife's back for x number of years.

By the way, we happened to stop at a sex club last night and had sex with the door to the room open so people could watch us. We like the exhibitionism and to show the young folks how it's done. It was hot and exciting. We had sex again when we got home and then again this morning.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Why did you bother marrying her when you could just keep getting it for free?

Frankly there is disaster waiting your marriage down the road for the very reason that your wife doesn't understand that keeping ex lovers around in her daily life is a bad idea. She doesn't understand the very concept of devoting yourself to your SO. Instead she sees everyone including her SO in a sliding scale of what intimacy shell share with them today and tomorrow.

As much as swingers want to deny it, there very much is a series of hormones at work in the brain that bond you through sex to your SO. I believe that one of things that occurs in swingers, especially ones that have been at it with a lot of partners, is that they train themselves to not respond to those feelings of bonding that the hormones elicit. This is what lets them jump from partner to partner without worry or concern.

However there is no free lunch, by rejecting the feelings from those bonding hormones they also numb themselves to the ability to bond with their SO. 

And you are seeing this play out with your wife. She doesn't natively have those bonding feeling for you that would have made her on her own dumb those other sex partners out of her life so she could focus only on you.

I hope you have an exit plan for when you catch her cheating.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

So are you STILL swinging? Or did it stop when you two married.

The distinction is VERY important


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## SimplyAGuy (Jun 26, 2013)

Shaggy,

I think you are right. I do think about what I would do and I do worry that she is prone to cheat. "once a cheater always a cheater". However, I am not convinced that swingers have more vulnerable marrieages than non swingers. Give that the overall rate of divorce is over 50% how much can it add to the risk? People who break up over swinging (and some do) probably would have broken up over something else. It was a flaw in the relationship or the individuals not the activity. I know may swingers who have been married for many years.. over 30 in some cases. 
However, we have talked she swears she would never cheat on me ; would never have sex with someone I did know about and was there at the time. I guess I have no choice but to trust her and hope for the best.


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## SimplyAGuy (Jun 26, 2013)

We still swing on rare ocassion but 90% of time we go to a club for atmosphere and to socialize and then have sex with ourselves.. often where others can watch us. Frankly the sex is much better between us than with others. But we do oh once or twice a year end up with different partners.. always in same room.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

If you are okay with your wife having sex with other men, then I don't understand why a "relapse" text would bother you.


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## SimplyAGuy (Jun 26, 2013)

Emerald,

It is about trust and honesty. We agreed or I insisted but then she agreed to not have contact with ex lovers and then she did so. Haveing a form of sex together that involves other people does not change and perhaps even increases the need for honesty.


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

So if a swinger catches their spouse having an affair do they get angry and say - "you're only allowed to bang others that _I_ pick out for you", or is there even such a thing as cheating in those type marriages?? :scratchhead:


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## SimplyAGuy (Jun 26, 2013)

Cee Paul
Of course there is cheating if you have sex with someone behind someones back. It is not cheating if you both agree and tell each other honestly what you are doing. In our case we only do it together when both are present and can see what is happening.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

SimplyAGuy said:


> She thinks that friendship is very important and does not want to give them up just because she (for example) was sleeping with the guy behind his wife's back for x number of years.


I get it. You want honesty & trust in your marriage.

However your wife has a dishonest past. You say that she slept with a married man behind his wife's back. That behavior, according to your swinging rules, is dishonest.

Your wife has proven that she is not really an honest person. Her past & present behavior is consistent. 

I don't really think you can change her. Her marriage boundaries don't match yours.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Simply...have you checked out forums for swingers? All of your concerns are addressed there. I'm not chasing you out of here, I am just honestly curious...have you checked them out?


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## SimplyAGuy (Jun 26, 2013)

Emerald

I know this goes through my mind all the time. "How could she do that?" and more than once.. Claims her prior marriiage was terrible; she was lonely and empty and these guys according to her also had bad marriages. ( I argue that's not for her to decide) She says it was all a mistake (s) she regrets them but she can't change the past. I say then put the past behind us and don't have contact with these people. The problem is she had sexual relations with men from many aspects of her life.


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## SimplyAGuy (Jun 26, 2013)

Faithful wife

I did not mean this thread to be about swinging. It is just a backdrop. It is meant to be about asking a spouse to not have contact with ex sex partners. I would assume many couples have this issue.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Erm....I kind of don't think other couples have quite the same number of sex partners still in their lives, because they didn't swing with and sleep with their friends and friends' wives, etc....like your wife apparently did.

My husband has quite a high number of previous sex partners and I have literally never just "run into one" around town. Nor has he tried to keep being friends with any of them....because he didn't sleep with his friends, he slept with his lovers. One might call them FWB's but they were not actual friends in his life.

The swinging lifestyle presupposes a different type of acceptance of sexual behavior than most people accept...so even the friends of a woman who swings who she did not sleep with, are in a different range of friends than a non-swinging woman's friends.

I find it odd that you don't see it this way, and that you seem to think your situation is more common.

In short, NO my husband isn't friends with any of the many women he used to sleep with, because he doesn't want their friendship nor to have sex with them anymore.


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## SimplyAGuy (Jun 26, 2013)

Faithful wife
If he did want to stay friends with them, would you let him?


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## SimplyAGuy (Jun 26, 2013)

Am I wrong in sensing an edge to some of these posts? I can see why someone would not agree with what we do but why be angry? Perhaps I'm just being defensive


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Check out my blog....I actually talk a lot about the boundaries and rules we have in our marriage. But the answer is, no...if when we began dating he kept around a bevvy of chicks he used to bang, I simply would not have gotten further involved with him. Same goes for him with my exes. We have all paths to our bodies locked off from everyone else, including exes. Neither of us have any desire to be friends with exes.

.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Simply....Are you not aware that the mainstream community will always be more or less "against" the infidelity that is behind swinging? Whether that view is right or wrong, it will always be viewed that way.

Hey - for myself? I think swinging is great...if you are single. Swing away!

In marriage, I think it is fine too if the spouses are truly fine with it. Yet here you are, not quite fine with it, right?

.


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## SimplyAGuy (Jun 26, 2013)

Faithful Wife

I looked at your blog. It is very nice. Thanks.


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## SimplyAGuy (Jun 26, 2013)

Faithful Wife

I have no problem with swinging. But needs to be open and honest. I also don't want ex sex partners and lovers as friends. Now there are some couples we have had sex with together that are our freinds but the are OUR partners not hers and will someday be part of OUR past.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

So...again I will ask...have you checked out the swingers forums? This type of issue is covered over and over. Usually the answer is in coming up with a type of swinging contract between you and your spouse where you line out the rules and then both sign and agree to follow them. Again I urge you to get help from that community. They understand these issues where people who aren't swingers don't.

.


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## SimplyAGuy (Jun 26, 2013)

I have and they are much more cavalier than I choose to be. But again I think my situation is not about swinging although many respondents seem fixated there.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

My SO and I have swung, so I have a bit of empathy with your situation. 

From what I can tell, here's some of your issues...

First, the two of you needed to have a clear agreement on what was/is acceptable. None of this "reluctantly agreed to" stuff. That should have happened before you lived together, much less before you got married. As it is now... No idea how to re-skin that cat...

Second. Both of you need to put the relationship first. If one of you is uncomfortable with a situation or extra, there should be no hesitation over the next step. My SO and I have both been able to "veto" situations or other partners without feeling like we're disappointing each other. 

Third. There must be full transparency. No passwords on phones that aren't shared, no unknown email accounts, etc. Ideally, you should never feel like you're uncertain about some red flags. 

For my SO and I, we've found the sex club thing works best. As you've said, you can indulge your exhibitionist side, and if you both want to, you can be more adventurous. And at the end of the night, if you didn't share contact information, neither of you has a way of getting in touch with any of your extras even if you wanted to. But in your situation (small town, wife who's been around), I don't know what the answer is if she can't empathize with how you're feeling. Moving seems like the best choice... But if you don't resolve the core issues, it's only a matter of time before they crop up again

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SimplyAGuy (Jun 26, 2013)

Thanks Pbear

You are smarter than the average bear


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

SimplyAGuy said:


> Cee Paul
> Of course there is cheating if you have sex with someone behind someones back. It is not cheating if you both agree and tell each other honestly what you are doing. In our case we only do it together when both are present and can see what is happening.


Ohhhh I get it so then it's a form of........... _"supervised"_ cheating. :rofl:


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## SimplyAGuy (Jun 26, 2013)

cheating present participle of cheat (Verb)
Verb
Act dishonestly or unfairly in order to gain an advantage, esp. in a game or examination: "she cheats at cards".
Deceive or trick.

Cee Paul

There is no cheating if there is not dishonesty or deceit. You may not like swinging but it is not cheating. We all do not need to approve of others choices. We do need to be tolerant of others choices where they harm no one (else). Why does it bother you so much?


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Simply...Look, swinging is going to bother MOST people. It doesn't bother me for others to do it, but the fact is, MOST people are not down with that. This is why I keep asking you why you are on this forum, not a swinging one.

Then you said that the swinging forums are far too cavalier on things like being friends with ex-swinging partners.

You can't have it both ways.

At this or any mainstream marriage site, you will find opposition to your lifestyle.

At a swingers forum, you will find opposition to your jealousy.

That's just the way it is.

You may not understand Cee Paul's or anyone else's resistence to swinging, and that's fine.

But no one here (with a few exceptions like PBear) is likely to understand YOUR resistence to stop letting your wife have sex with other people but then having a problem when she calls them up for lunch the next day.

Which way do you want it? You seem to want to swing but then dictate to her who she can be friends with, and it just doesn't make sense to most of us.


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## SimplyAGuy (Jun 26, 2013)

Faithful

I would assume people on a site where people are talking about their problems and issues would be tolerant and supportive. I struggle with why because people do not agree with or choose to swing they would be mean and unwelcoming to someone who is doing nothing to them. 
People we swing with do not call her or contact her. The ex lovers are not swingers and are not people we or she have swung with. This post was not about swinging. I'm sorry if you don't want me on this site. I suggest you stop reading my posts.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

SimplyAGuy said:


> I would assume people on a site where people are talking about their problems and issues would be tolerant and supportive. I struggle with why because people do not agree with or choose to swing they would be mean and unwelcoming to someone who is doing nothing to them


I don't see anyone attacking you or being mean or unwelcoming, only goodnatured, well intended advice some of which is to maybe find a forum that has posters who can give you better advice than you're receiving here- since this board isn't home for too many swingers. You seem to be rather defensive. If you're like this in your marriage it could be the root of some of the problems.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Your still swinging. I don't understand why you should be able to dictate the relationship when your still in an open marriage. You can't have everything your way, you have to compromise with your wife. She has a say in it too.

Personally, this marriage will also fail if you continue to swing. "On rare occasions" is no excuse. Either your swinging or your not. 

You don't seem very willing to compromise with your wife.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Okay I have read this again and get it.

It would have helped had you not mentioned swinging because that's not your problem.

Your problem is you wife's continued friendships with ex lovers not swingers.

That is not okay in my marriage nor in many marriages here.

Just say no.

If you want you can search tam and find other stories relating to spouses having friends of the opposite sex.

Advice there would apply here and there are lots of good threads on that subject because its a hot topic right up there with GNO. Lol


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## SimplyAGuy (Jun 26, 2013)

lenzi

I may be defensive. I am sure that the joke and mocking emoticon, the reference to swimming in a cesspool, and comments like "i stopped reading at swinging" were all meant to be helpful and welcoming.


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## SimplyAGuy (Jun 26, 2013)

iminlovewithmyhusband

Although technically in an open marriage in that we have sex with others, I don't think this abdicates ones rights in a marriage to choose with whom when and where one has sex. Either one of us can veto any situation. We have firm ground rules and both must approve of others partners. And we only swing where the other is present. These swing partners are not at all the problem. They tend to be respectful of other relationships. This issue is with people she had been in affairs with which were dishonest who she still sees as good friends. Friendships she feels it is a big sacrifice to give up. She says she's willing to do it. I worry that she keeps some things from me for fear I will cut off other friendships which I just might if I find we are hanging with people with whom she had such relationships.


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## SimplyAGuy (Jun 26, 2013)

Mavash

You are right this is not about swinging. I never should have mentioned it. There are many couple on here I am finding with the exact same issue and most seem to conclude the same. ie. No contact with ex lovers/ sex partners


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## cavenger (Aug 26, 2012)

Here's the thing... Swinging opens up the relationship connection in people. If I walk in a room with a few women and 2 of which I have had sex with, the whole interaction is different. Sex isn't just an act.... It means something. And unfortunately you are paying the price for both herz and yours swinging past. I'm no prude and I have various fantasies that skirt the edge of swinging.... But I also know there is a burden to such decisions. I would highly recommend you stop swinging and commit your life to each other completely. Fantasize sure. But let it end there. Good luck.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

cavenger said:


> Here's the thing... Swinging opens up the relationship connection in people. If I walk in a room with a few women and 2 of which I have had sex with, the whole interaction is different. Sex isn't just an act.... It means something. And unfortunately you are paying the price for both herz and yours swinging past. I'm no prude and I have various fantasies that skirt the edge of swinging.... But I also know there is a burden to such decisions. I would highly recommend you stop swinging and commit your life to each other completely. Fantasize sure. But let it end there. Good luck.



This is a great point. I remember working somewhere where I met this women who took a liking to me. She texted me one day to meet up with some friends and at the end of the night we ended up at her place for some really good sex. After that it was so awkward at work and thankfully she transferred out somewhere else.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

SimplyAGuy said:


> lenzi
> 
> I may be defensive. I am sure that the joke and mocking emoticon, the reference to swimming in a cesspool, and comments like "i stopped reading at swinging" were all meant to be helpful and welcoming.


Ok you have two misguided posters out of over a dozen helpful and supportive members who have this notion that swinging is somehow a form of cheating and they weren't very nice about making their opinions known.

So what? No matter what the subject matter, you're always going to find some.. "dissent". It doesn't mean everyone is against you here, I find a lot of the advice to be rather well meaning and helpful.


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