# When to walk away



## Whatnow2018 (Jan 22, 2018)

I married my college sweet heart in 2016 after 7 years of dating. During ou dating there were some red flags, responding to inappropriate Craigslist ads, lots of porn,but never the physical act of cheating so I thought he would grow out of it.

Wrong. Not even a year into marriage I discovered (through snooping in his phone) that he had cheated on me. But not with just anyone, with an escort. He wanted to cheat on me so bad he went to the extent of paying someone for it. When confronted he brought up a lot of traumatic events from his child hood and immediately seeked counseling. Me being the empathetic person that I am, stood by him. He swore up and down he would do everything to gain my trust back and be the man I need.

Now, not even 6 months later I discovered he has paid for webcam sex. I am disgusted and feel like a fool for thinking he would change after I forgave him for the last incidence. He is now saying he is a sex addict and is going to seek more therapy.

I wish walking away was easy, but he is my best friend and we have worked really hard to get to where we are. But at the same time, I think history will keep repeating and should get out now before children are involved....

Would I be stupid to stay?


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## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

Because your hoping he will do the right thing and be faithful to you.. He won't, it's a game and he's having fun. I know there are sex addicts but I heard (I think Dr. Phil) that a sex addict is just a term. It's not real. He's just a cheater. For your peace of mind and happiness you need to leave this guy. How can he be your best friend when he is hurting you? I don't get it.


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## doconiram (Apr 24, 2017)

He has shown you who he is and what your future will look like. All you have to do is believe him. 

No kids, basically newlyweds... = GTFO now.


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## Whatnow2018 (Jan 22, 2018)

Best friend as in we are stuck together like glue and do everything together. When something good or bad happens he's the first person I want to tell. I feel like he thinks he can have both and it's extremely selfish and hurtful


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

I think he will cheat again.

You caught some things. He has probably done a great deal more cheating than you have discovered.

I think you would be stupid to stay if you are expecting him to be faithful.

He will get better at hiding it. So perhaps you won't catch him so often. If you can live with that, then maybe you will be fine. I know women who accept that.

Personally I recommend you leave your husband today, and don't look back. And get tested for Sexually Transmitted Diseases.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Yes! In your own words you would ge stupid to stay!

No kids still young can find someone better. Whos not a cheater.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

Whatnow2018 said:


> Best friend as in we are stuck together like glue and do everything together. When something good or bad happens he's the first person I want to tell. I feel like he thinks he can have both and it's extremely selfish and hurtful


Obviously there are things he does without you. And when some things happen he keeps it from you.

He uses 'sex addict' as an excuse while he eats cake.

Selfish is a good description. There are other words that will work as well.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Whatnow2018 said:


> Best friend as in we are stuck together like glue and do everything together.


Really?

So what did _you_ think of the escort?



Whatnow2018 said:


> When something good or bad happens he's the first person I want to tell. *I feel like he thinks he can have both* and it's extremely selfish and hurtful


That’s because he does.

Want to know why he thinks that?

Because you’ve been buying his bull****.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Whatnow2018 said:


> I married my college sweet heart in 2016 after 7 years of dating. During ou dating there were some red flags, responding to inappropriate Craigslist ads, lots of porn,but never the physical act of cheating so I thought he would grow out of it.
> 
> Wrong. Not even a year into marriage I discovered (through snooping in his phone) that he had cheated on me. But not with just anyone, with an escort. He wanted to cheat on me so bad he went to the extent of paying someone for it. When confronted he brought up a lot of traumatic events from his child hood and immediately seeked counseling. Me being the empathetic person that I am, stood by him. He swore up and down he would do everything to gain my trust back and be the man I need.
> 
> ...


So you catch him cheating and his go-to reaction is to vomit up a sob story about his crappy childhood?

Well, I hope you’re ready to hear all about it — for the rest of your life.

Unless, of course, you walk away.

Because it’s time to do that.

And while I won’t say you’d be stupid to _not_ walk away at this point, you’d be _at least_ naive.

Like VERY naive.

At some point, though, naiveté becomes stupidity.

See this guy for what he is (a serial cheat) and reclaim the rest of your life from him now.


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## pragmaticGoddess (Nov 29, 2017)

It sounds like he’s a selfish person. He’s selfishly fulfilling his needs as your expense. You cannot love him into changing for you. Unfortunately you cannot love someone into loving you. You cannot fix him. He needs professional help.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

at an absolute minimum, i would divorce. maybe later on he will get his **** together? probably not, but you will be in a much better place to decide if you want to give him that chance, if your life/finances are NOT intermingled with his. 

what he wants and what you want are not the same thing right now. if you really love him that much, you can always try again later.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Stupid to stay? Well, reality is that he's a serial cheater. Those usually don't change -- no matter how many promises they make. 

There will never be an easier time to end it than now. If you stay, then years down the road, when you have children and his behavior continues, you'll very likely wish you had taken the opportunity when you had it.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Openminded said:


> There will never be an easier time to end it than now. If you stay, then years down the road, when you have children and his behavior continues, you'll very likely wish you had taken the opportunity when you had it.


Very wise advice.

My motto about cheating: "Fool me once: shame on you. Fool me twice: shame on me. Fool me 3 times: shoot me in the head, because I'm a stupid idiot for giving you a 3rd chance after you already cheated twice!!"

Don't stick around and let there be a 3rd time.

Once is bad enough. Twice means it is part of who they are.


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## Primrose (Mar 4, 2015)

He's a serial cheater. These are the worst kind because they actively LOOK for an affair. 

Get out now. He will not change.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

Thank God you don't have kids. I know you fear like you would be losing your best friend and the investment of 8 years you made but this is a broken individual and no matter how hard you try, you cannot fix him and it's not really your responsibility to go that far anymore.

If you feel like there are more pros than cons in terms of what he adds to your life and happiness factor, I would honestly say this. I doubt he will ever change but go ahead and give him one last shot but the last shot will be shot defined and clear that if any boundaries are crossed, no gray area here, it's done.

- total transparency forever
- willingly allowing you access to all of his accounts and devices and no complaints when you want to check them
- couples counseling for a long time where you can keep him honest in counseling and also discuss the issues between you
- would also be beneficial for IC but the couples counseling would be great for the both of you and again, to keep him honest. (my soon to be ex-wife has been going to IC but lord only knows what she is telling the counselor and vice versa over the phone because it only seems to be validating my wife's extremely poor and damaging decisions)

If I were in your situation and knowing what I know now, that's where I would start with deal breakers. If he can't fulfill them then game over. Like any person with a heavy addiction, they need to experience rock bottom or a life changing event that opens up their mind to a totally different way of thinking and reality.


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## FalCod (Dec 6, 2017)

I wouldn't walk away. I'd run away.


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## Whatnow2018 (Jan 22, 2018)

Thank you all for the feed back. For the most part what I was thinking was validated.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

Whatnow2018 said:


> Thank you all for the feed back. For the most part what I was thinking was validated.


Not to out you on the spot but do you know what your next move is?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

If you haven't checked out the "Chumplady" website, I suggest you do it. It will be very eye-opening for you and you will quickly see that your situation here is pretty much a lost cause. 

They have a motto on that site that really is brilliant. And that is - "Trust that they suck."

In other words, you do not need our validation here. You've seen the proof with your own eyes. Trust in that. 

Trust that he sucks.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Whatnow2018 said:


> Not even a year into marriage I discovered (through snooping in his phone) that he had cheated on me. But not with just anyone, with an escort. He wanted to cheat on me so bad he went to the extent of paying someone for it.
> 
> Now, not even 6 months later I discovered he has paid for webcam sex.


I want to address this a little further. 

Julia Roberts' character said it best in the movie "Pretty Woman," - "men don't pay hookers for sex. They pay them to leave."

That is very much a true statement. Yes sex is obviously involved, but men can get sex from wives, girlfriends or really anyone that consents to it if they simply ask nicely. 

But the real root of prostitution is and the real product that they are buying and paying for is to have a sexual experience without having any kind of relationship or personal rapport. 

In other words, men pay prostitutes to *NOT * have a relationship or personal rapport with them. 

Does this sound like a person with whom to have relationship, marriage and home and family with??????????


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## dawnabon (Mar 11, 2017)

FalCod said:


> I wouldn't walk away. I'd run away.


Like your ass is on fire. 

Sent from my SM-G935V using Tapatalk


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## Laurenj (Feb 13, 2018)

Have you figured out what to do? It’s so hard, I’m in a very similar situation right now.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Laurenj said:


> Have you figured out what to do? It’s so hard, I’m in a very similar situation right now.


No it really isn't that hard. Just do the right thing and stick a fork in it. Unless you want to continue to live this kind of life.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

He was too big of a loser to find a willing woman and turned to a prostitute....
That speaks volumes. Just think what he will do when someone gives him the time of day and he thinks he's "in love"!!!!

He is having sex with prostitutes. There is no question about what you should do. He's given you a real gift in showing you his cards before you had kids with him. 

Work on your picker. It's broken pretty badly. You knew he was a cheater before you married him.

Yes, you SHOULD divorce him. You SHOULD never speak to him again.

What ARE you going to actually do? I'm curious..... Emotions suck sometimes. Ok, a lot.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Often when one writes a write up they pepper their statement with a lot of incriminating evidence, which then in turn makes you ask what exactly the question is..



Whatnow2018 said:


> there were some red flags, responding to inappropriate Craigslist ads, lots of porn


So all this while you were dating? How is responding to craigslist ads not a dealbreaker, more over to then be surprised when the man who responded to craigslist ads then went and paid for sex



Whatnow2018 said:


> but never the physical act of cheating so I thought he would grow out of it.


It was emotional cheating, eroding of trust, red flag waving..one does not grow out of being deceitful, these are traits which when not punished with consequences grow. Well you obviously know what happened.



Whatnow2018 said:


> that he had cheated on me.


You already suspected he was and thus you looked, I don't think you were surprised.


Whatnow2018 said:


> He wanted to cheat on me so bad he went to the extent of paying someone for it.


Again you say he wanted to cheat on you but this was his behaviour before and while he was dating you and yet you stayed and went on to marry him.





Whatnow2018 said:


> Now, not even 6 months later I discovered he has paid for webcam sex. I am disgusted and feel like a fool for thinking he would change after I forgave him for the last incidence. He is now saying he is a sex addict and is going to seek more therapy.


Again...



Whatnow2018 said:


> I wish walking away was easy, but he is my best friend and we have worked really hard to get to where we are. But at the same time, I think history will keep repeating and should get out now before children are involved....


What exactly is the question you're asking after posting all the leading and incriminating evidence?


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Narcissist don't change until life cuts them off at the knees.
Sadly papers may be the only way to help you and him.
my advice.....get out, now.


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## Machjo (Feb 2, 2018)

...


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

As long as you keep enforcing no consequences of what so ever for his foul behaviour this will keep happening for the rest of your life.


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## Lukedog (Nov 18, 2015)

Your best friends? Maybe that is how he sees you, how he feels about you. And not as his wife who should also be his (only) sex partner. He started the cheating process very early in your relationship, which tells you that his behavior will continue for the next 50 years. Do you want to live the next 50 years of your life worrying, doubting, looking over your shoulder and around the corners, looking for evidence all the time of who he is cheating with now? I wouldn't. You've already caught him twice. Lord only knows how many you haven't caught. Since you don't have children it is so much easier to get out now....and you won't be tied to him for the rest of your life. There is nothing saying that you can't still remain "friends." But I would tell him ... given the circumstances I can no longer be married to you.


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## whatever622 (Feb 17, 2018)

Trust me I understand your situation all too well. My husband of 24 years is a raging porn addict that claims he is trying to get sobriety from this. We lived together prior to getting married and the red flags were there I just didn't know they were. Our first year of marriage we went a year without sex because of him servicing himself. He claims he's never been with anyone else, but I don't believe him. I don't believe a word that comes out of his lying lips. I've finally realized he'll never get better and we need to separate so he can "find" whatever his "hand" is leading him to. I hope you do the same. No one deserves to be put this tormenting hell by someone that supposedly loves them.


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## MenDontCry (Feb 15, 2018)

Seems like my advice is far different than all the other advice you've received on here. The first question I would ask yourself is if you love him and want to even try to make things work? If the answer is yes to both of those questions then you need to truly know where his heart is and if he wants things to work. Next on the list would be communication. I'm not saying that he hasn't acted like a selfish ass-hole but theres something (at least in his mind) that isn't being fulfilled in your relationship. Does he travel for work often? Are you two intimate often? Do you two talk about sex and other intimate desires with one another? Would you be afraid to admit to your husband your sexual thoughts or desires? Would he be afraid to do the same with you? Marriage only works with fulfillment and honesty.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

MenDontCry said:


> Seems like my advice is far different than all the other advice you've received on here. The first question I would ask yourself is if you love him and want to even try to make things work? If the answer is yes to both of those questions then you need to truly know where his heart is and if he wants things to work. Next on the list would be communication. I'm not saying that he hasn't acted like a selfish ass-hole but *theres something (at least in his mind) that isn't being fulfilled in your relationship.* Does he travel for work often? Are you two intimate often? Do you two talk about sex and other intimate desires with one another? Would you be afraid to admit to your husband your sexual thoughts or desires? Would he be afraid to do the same with you? Marriage only works with fulfillment and honesty.


If he is unhappy in the relationship, then it is on *HIM* to tell his wife how he feels, and ask that they get help if they can't fix it themselves. There is *NEVER a good excuse for cheating.*

STOP blaming the betrayed spouse.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

MenDontCry said:


> *Seems like my advice is far different than all the other advice you've received on here.* The first question I would ask yourself is if you love him and want to even try to make things work? If the answer is yes to both of those questions then you need to truly know where his heart is and if he wants things to work. Next on the list would be communication. I'm not saying that he hasn't acted like a selfish ass-hole but theres something (at least in his mind) that isn't being fulfilled in your relationship. Does he travel for work often? Are you two intimate often? Do you two talk about sex and other intimate desires with one another? Would you be afraid to admit to your husband your sexual thoughts or desires? Would he be afraid to do the same with you? *Marriage only works with fulfillment and honesty*.


I agree with the first and last sentences. He was sleeping with prostitutes and lying, meaning there is no honesty. Marriage over.


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## MenDontCry (Feb 15, 2018)

Araucaria said:


> If he is unhappy in the relationship, then it is on *HIM* to tell his wife how he feels, and ask that they get help if they can't fix it themselves. There is *NEVER a good excuse for cheating.*
> 
> STOP blaming the betrayed spouse.


As someone whose wife recently cheated on him I have come to understand that there is a difference between blaming and understanding. There is Zero, 0, none, no, excuse for cheating. EVER. With that said, if things are to work out in the future then understanding where the breakdowns happened in the past can prevent them from happening in the future. Theres a difference between saying his cheating is excusable and saying that there is an underlying reason and if the marriage is to work in the future then tackling those issues is a must. He might not have felt that he was able to talk to her. She might not feel like she was able to talk to him. Maybe he tried in the past and felt rejected. Maybe she tried and he didn't listen. I don't know their relationship. I'm just giving food for thought. The one thing I can say unequivocally is that cheating is inexcusable and there are no valid reasons for it. However once it happens, identifying the reasons why the breakdown happened (it's normally never strictly a one party thing) and trying to tackle those issues as a couple is the correct path forward.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

MenDontCry said:


> As someone whose wife recently cheated on him I have come to understand that there is a difference between blaming and understanding. There is Zero, 0, none, no, excuse for cheating. EVER. With that said, if things are to work out in the future then understanding where the breakdowns happened in the past can prevent them from happening in the future. Theres a difference between saying his cheating is excusable and saying that there is an underlying reason and if the marriage is to work in the future then tackling those issues is a must. *He might not have felt that he was able to talk to her. She might not feel like she was able to talk to him. Maybe he tried in the past and felt rejected. Maybe she tried and he didn't listen.* I don't know their relationship. I'm just giving food for thought. The one thing I can say unequivocally is that cheating is inexcusable and there are no valid reasons for it. However once it happens, identifying the reasons why the breakdown happened (it's normally never strictly a one party thing) and trying to tackle those issues as a couple is the correct path forward.


If he is unhappy, and his marriage is repairable because he wife refuses to work on it with him, then he needs to file for divorce. Once the divorce is final, *then* he can begin a new relationship.


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## MenDontCry (Feb 15, 2018)

Araucaria said:


> If he is unhappy, and his marriage is repairable because he wife refuses to work on it with him, then he needs to file for divorce. Once the divorce is final, *then* he can begin a new relationship.


I 100% agree with this statement. Same thing applied in my situation. My wife should have talked to me instead of cheating. If she felt like there was no way forward she should have filed for divorce, but instead she took the coward way out and cheated. I only added my personal situation to let all know that I understand this situation from the position of someone who has been cheated on. It's also well and good to say what someone should have done, but her husband didn't do that. That's not to say that with proper counseling, communication, and honesty going forward that her husband won't know how to do the right thing in the future.


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