# My husband left me



## hauntedsoul (Oct 16, 2012)

Things have been rocky in our relationship for a long time. Constant arguing about anything and everything. This isn't the first time he has left. This is the 5th time he has left me. We end up getting back together to just go through the same things. The last time he left, which was end of May this year, I asked him to leave because I found out he was pursuing women online. I let him come back and we agreed to try marriage counseling. We were only able to attend one session so far. We set up a treatment plan to help with anger and to get back that closeness we once had.

Every time he leaves, he tells other, especially other women he hasn't been happy in a long time. He is miserable and depressed, talks about how mean I am, and name calls. This really hurts for him to say these things. He does it every time and I don't understand why he has to say such mean things. I am not perfect in any way. I have my flaws and I am trying to work on fixing them. I have individual counseling set up for myself. 

Every time he leaves, he goes back to pursing women online. I wouldn't doubt he is doing it now too. It's very hurtful. All that ever runs through my mind is, "why am i not good enough?", "how can he sit there and pretend to be happy and say he loves me?", "why does he tell me he'll never leave?" I have a million and one things that go through my head that I can't function for a minute. 

One of the biggest issues in our marriage has always been his mom. She and I never got along. Our relationship is much better now but she's still a big issue. She can/does encourage him to do things, or gets things in his mind of what he should do, etc.

I just don't know what else to do. I love this man with all my heart. He's my first love and first marriage. We have been married almost 10 years. It hasn't always been easy but we have made it through. I do want him back. I want our marriage to work. It's so hard because he won't speak to me right now. 

Thank you all for listening.


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## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

*I just don't know what else to do.*


Yeah, you do. You just don't want to accept it, face it. You want us to put it into words for you.

He's a loser. Total and complete loser. You know it, but you're in denial. 

He's left you 5 times?! For other skanks?

You need to leave him. Just once. But forever. Get away from him, go "no contact", and allow your head to clear from the fog he's caused up in there.

Until you do that, things will never change. They don't need to. He's got a perfect life. Spineless wife that takes takes him back every.single.time and ho's on the side. 

I'm not attacking you, hauntedsoul, just being really REALLY blunt. Because the message needs to get through.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

You need to work on getting some self respect and rebuilding your life without him. Your next ten years will be a repeat of the first ten if you take him back a 5th time.


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## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

SecondTime'Round said:


> You need to work on getting some self respect and rebuilding your life without him. Your next ten years will be a repeat of the first ten if you take him back a 5th time.


/this.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*IMHO, your hubby is grossly immature, to the point that he is incapable of sustaining a true monogamous relationship with anyone, choosing to sack down most anywhere that he can get his "Willie" wet!

I would sincerely hope by now that you've had yourself tested for the presence of STD's! And don't let the front door hit you on the backside on your way to your lawyer's office to file for divorce on his worthless a$$!

This is a warped guy who has no regard for family and is grossly taking his pleasure wherever he can find it! To that end, you deserve far, far better!*


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You love your idea of him but that's not who he really is. 

Focus on figuring out why you keep holding onto a man who doesn't really care about you.


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## McDean (Jun 13, 2015)

You deserve better! Work on yourself, become a better you and let him do what he is going to do, in the end you will be better however it works out and most likely he we be doing the same things getting no where and missing out on so many things a good marriage can provide.


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## hauntedsoul (Oct 16, 2012)

Thank you all for your advice. I am just sad that he lets him mom manipulate him. He wants the single life and no responsibilities is what it all boils down to.


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## SouthernBelle822 (Jul 8, 2015)

This man has zero respect for you. Any man who can leave his wife five times, immediately start up conversations with women online, publicly shame his wife to other people, and call her names cannot possibly love you. After all he's done, he won't even speak to you?!? He should be humbly apologizing and trying to work on the relationship. If you stay with this man, over time, he is going to destroy every ounce of self-esteem you have left. He's only coming back because it's convenient and because he knows he can manipulate you. If he wanted the single life, he should've made that decision ten years ago. You sound like a kind and gentle person, and you deserve a man who will value, respect, and cherish you.


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## hauntedsoul (Oct 16, 2012)

SouthernBelle822 said:


> This man has zero respect for you. Any man who can leave his wife five times, immediately start up conversations with women online, publicly shame his wife to other people, and call her names cannot possibly love you. After all he's done, he won't even speak to you?!? He should be humbly apologizing and trying to work on the relationship. If you stay with this man, over time, he is going to destroy every ounce of self-esteem you have left. He's only coming back because it's convenient and because he knows he can manipulate you. If he wanted the single life, he should've made that decision ten years ago. You sound like a kind and gentle person, and you deserve a man who will value, respect, and cherish you.


Thank you for your kind words. I know. I am stunned that he won't talk to me, nor has he called to check on the kids. I agree with your comment about he should have made that decision 10 years ago.


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## hauntedsoul (Oct 16, 2012)

Now, he is going around saying that he is tired of being unhappy and depressed and how i never tried to do this with his mom, etc. He is turning it into about his mom. I didn't know I married his mom too. I would very much like for this to work. I love this man with all my heart.


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## McDean (Jun 13, 2015)

Ask yourself, if you were told with 100% certainty that he would behave like an adolescent forever would want to be with him? You need to proceed as if this is a possibly and focus on you. You can't change him and so spend your time on you!


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## hauntedsoul (Oct 16, 2012)

McDean said:


> Ask yourself, if you were told with 100% certainty that he would behave like an adolescent forever would want to be with him? You need to proceed as if this is a possibly and focus on you. You can't change him and so spend your time on you!


It's so hard. All i want to do is pick up the phone and call or text him.


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## McDean (Jun 13, 2015)

w​


hauntedsoul said:


> It's so hard. All i want to do is pick up the phone and call or text him.


Yep, all of us in scenarios like this want to pick up the phone. I have really struggled with the 180 but it gets easier. In the end it took me understanding that even if I picked up the phone I wouldn't be talking to my wife I would be talking to the person she is when in a total Fog...which makes the conversation barely above useless.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

hauntedsoul said:


> It's so hard. All i want to do is pick up the phone and call or text him.


And this is why he does what he does. You will take him back when he gets bored or can't find what he thinks he is looking for. You've been the security blanket for him. 

He isn't craving single life as much as he is just trying to find another to take care of him. He needs to believe you are done with the marriage, till that happens he will continue this pattern and never really change or grow up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hauntedsoul (Oct 16, 2012)

honcho said:


> And this is why he does what he does. You will take him back when he gets bored or can't find what he thinks he is looking for. You've been the security blanket for him.
> 
> He isn't craving single life as much as he is just trying to find another to take care of him. He needs to believe you are done with the marriage, till that happens he will continue this pattern and never really change or grow up.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I don't want to be the security blanket anymore. I want him to want to be with me and be with me because he loves me.

How do i make him believe this?


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## life_huppens (Jun 3, 2015)

hauntedsoul said:


> Thank you all for your advice. I am just sad that he lets him mom manipulate him. He wants the single life and no responsibilities is what it all boils down to.


Here you go. You know what he wants. Just give it to him. Stop torturing yourself. you can do better then him. Do not loose the precise time.


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## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

*How do i make him believe this?*


You can't. He doesn't want it, you won't change him. His behaviour and his choices are so ingrained, he has no desire, to change.

You're in a fog. Deluding yourself that he may change on day. But, from what you've said above, it's simply not going to happen. 


So how long do you want to stay in pain?


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## hauntedsoul (Oct 16, 2012)

DayOne said:


> *How do i make him believe this?*
> 
> 
> You can't. He doesn't want it, you won't change him. His behaviour and his choices are so ingrained, he has no desire, to change.
> ...


I was meaning how do i make him believe i don't want the marriage anymore?


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

hauntedsoul said:


> I was meaning how do i make him believe i don't want the marriage anymore?


Have him served with divorce papers and completely ignore him.


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## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

hauntedsoul said:


> I was meaning how do i make him believe i don't want the marriage anymore?


Oh. OK. Then Second Time has it right. Divorce. "i'm outta here" in black and white.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

hauntedsoul said:


> I don't want to be the security blanket anymore. I want him to want to be with me and be with me because he loves me.
> 
> How do i make him believe this?


The very love you are giving him is what he is taking advantage of. You don't make him believe anything. He isn't the prize, you and your life are. 

Either he invests and tried to work at saving this marriage or you need to be done. He should be moving "heaven and earth" to try and fix this and he isn't. Your letting him have the best of both worlds. Things get tough he plays the field and explores if anything better instead of fixing the issues. 

For your own self respect and esteem you need to draw the line in the sand. The pattern must be broken. Your happiness is not dependent on him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

hauntedsoul said:


> I was meaning how do i make him believe i don't want the marriage anymore?


You file for divorce.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

The reason he bad mouths you to others is because he wants to make himself look like the good guy, the victim.

Plus, it helps him get stupid women who believe his lies.

If you tells women 'I have a beautiful wife and I love her. Do you want to go screw?" He won't get any women.

If he tells women "I have been unhappily married to a mean, cruel woman who does not understand me." There will be women who just eat that up. They are looking for projects and he's a project. Poor baby needs someone to understand him. And of course the latest bimbo of the day thinks that she is so special that she is the only one who can make him happy.


You say that you love him with all your heart. I want to challenge that. I think that you love the idea of him. You love the man you want him to be. He's not that man. He's the man who cheats, lies and hurts his wife and children.

The love that you feel for him belongs to you. You gifted it to him and he's walked all over it. So take back your love and save it for someone who will treat you right.


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## MoUnit (Jul 9, 2015)

Oh sweetie, I completely understand what you are feeling. My husband left for the 4th time in 10 years. I have always tried to figure out what I have done wrong. The last time (not this time) he left me, I went to counseling and got my mojo back. He wanted me and so did several other men. You are in the same pattern that I fell into time and time again. He leaves, you beg him to come back, he makes you feel like you are the most incredible person in the word, it is great for awhile and then the pattern cycles.....I totally get it because I have lived it for the last ten years. It is what it is. You deserve to be happy- take that trail.


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

Who's got the link to 180? Its the best way to detach. So hard to start, so great when you feel it working.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Your WH is treating you callously and has no respect for you because you allow him to do as he pleases and treat you terribly.
You need to give him an ultimatum and tell him no more. He has left again, change the locks on the doors, get a good lawyer and go dark on him.
No person deserves to be treated like this, you must draw a line and do not allow him to treat you like this anymore. You do not have to tell him about your plans just proceed.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Read this

https://beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/the-180/


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## hauntedsoul (Oct 16, 2012)

He hasn't told me this because we haven't talked since he left but he told another person this. He said he did love me but the love fell apart because all we do is fight and argue. I remember hearing another person say that recently. He said he doesnt love me not anymore. 

How can someone just STOP loving you? If he didn't love me, why was he telling me every day many, many times a day until he left?


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## McDean (Jun 13, 2015)

hauntedsoul said:


> He hasn't told me this because we haven't talked since he left but he told another person this. He said he did love me but the love fell apart because all we do is fight and argue. I remember hearing another person say that recently. He said he doesnt love me not anymore.
> 
> How can someone just STOP loving you? If he didn't love me, why was he telling me every day many, many times a day until he left?


They technically don't stop loving you overnight but it usually builds. However, depending on what 'broke them' they could be dealing with something that altered their state of mind- major life events frequently kick these off. 

In either case, 180 makes a difference at a minimum for you personally over time in case they never flip back.


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## hauntedsoul (Oct 16, 2012)

McDean said:


> They technically don't stop loving you overnight but it usually builds. However, depending on what 'broke them' they could be dealing with something that altered their state of mind- major life events frequently kick these off.
> 
> In either case, 180 makes a difference at a minimum for you personally over time in case they never flip back.


All the arguing and fighting is what made him leave according to him. Now he is saying he is not in love with me and doesn't want to be with me. His mom of course has to send me messages about this. She says she doesn't believe it because its too soon for him to know that. I don't know but I am so tired of hearing it.


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## McDean (Jun 13, 2015)

hauntedsoul said:


> All the arguing and fighting is what made him leave according to him. Now he is saying he is not in love with me and doesn't want to be with me. His mom of course has to send me messages about this. She says she doesn't believe it because its too soon for him to know that. I don't know but I am so tired of hearing it.


Yep, at some point for all of us based on what I have read, we all hit the wall on 'hearing it'. My wife sends me a nice, friendly cutesy message and then when forced to talk starts telling me everything wrong about me as per usual....my patience is wearing thin with the hot and cold.

I've gone 180 100% and feel much better finally about myself and the fact that this might never work out....if it weren't for my daughter I don't know that I would even continue at this point....


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

Just because you love someone doesn't mean you can have a successful relationship.

Some people find this out early, some get married and grow apart.. there are all kinds of flavours of this. It's terrible. I'm so sorry for your pain, but for those of us who have been there -- start the 180. It will really help you.

Wishing you peace. Remember that all things pass. What you are feeling now won't be this way even a year from now.

180.


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