# A little info from the Ladies please.



## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

My story: distant wife for the past 11 years intimacy wise. We still have sex, but no fore plah
in the past 10 years she will not let me touch her below the waist with my hands. Sex is just sex, no emotion. She is 50. Any ideas on what the problem is? She wont talk about our issues, so Im left with trying to guess and ask people on TAM.
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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

If she won't let you "touch" her below the waist, how are you having sex?

Ask her what is up with that. Tell her you wanna touch her sexy body!


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

The only person who knows what the problem is is your W and she isn't telling. It sounds odd to me that she's able to have sex _without_ some prior activity in the southern hemisphere. Would she be amenable to MC?


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Cosmos said:


> The only person who knows what the problem is is your W and she isn't telling. It sounds odd to me that she's able to have sex _without_ some prior activity in the southern hemisphere. Would she be amenable to MC?


She will absolutely not go to MC.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Jellybeans said:


> If she won't let you "touch" her below the waist, how are you having sex?
> 
> Ask her what is up with that. Tell her you wanna touch her sexy body!


I dont really know how to respond to this without being TMI, but here it goes
I use lube and put it in. Sorry about the TMI.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Strange thing she doesnt like lube, but she wont let me do anything to prepare her properly.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

*1.* Your wife is either swimming in *resentment* over something (was it always like this?)....you say the last 11 yrs...what was it like before this...anything happen back then in your lives to bring about a change in her behavior? --that maybe she has *stuffed* and has built to mountain-ish proportions -unbeknownst to you? 

*2. * Menopausal ?...but you said the last 11 yrs -unless she went through it early at 39.... 

*3.* Could she be depressed ?

*4.* It is possible she was sexually abused in her past..

How does she respond when you tube it up and stick it in? I can't imagine doing this or how you could even enjoy the act if she lies there stone cold... are any words even exchanged? 

And on top of all of this, she refuses to talk to you about it...or marriage counseling...she leaves you nothing to work with...she has tied your hands behind your back.. she might as well hold up a sign that says "NO ACCESS ALLOWED"..

On your end...what do you feel she is holding against you ? Where have you missed it with your wife over the years... trying to gauge where her head may be at... or just a person's overall unhappiness with their lives -for whatever reason.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Thound said:


> She will absolutely not go to MC.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


And she won't talk about it?:scratchhead: Then you have no alternative but to either live with this (IMO) unhealthy state of affairs or issue her with an ultimatum.

I can't imagine tolerating the sort of situation you describe, and I'm sorry that you have done so for so long.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

SimplyAmorous said:


> *1.* Your wife is either swimming in *resentment* over something (was it always like this?)....you say the last 11 yrs...what was it like before this...anything happen back then in your lives to bring about a change in her behavior? --that maybe she has *stuffed* and has built to mountain-ish proportions -unbeknownst to you?
> 
> *2. * Menopausal ?...but you said the last 11 yrs -unless she went through it early at 39....
> 
> ...


Thanks for the reply. 11 years ago I got the ILYBNILWY speech. She had previously had a low paying job. She got a good paying job 2 years before I got the speech. She has had a lot of problems with her family, she said she would have left me years ago, but she didnt want to run home to mommy. I did do some things Im not proud of when I was youn, but cheating was not one of them. She thinks I had something going on with a coworker, but I didnt. I offered to do a polygraph she didnt want me to. I feel like she has put my face on everything that is or was wrong in her life. She has told me she feels like she is my mother. Since then I have detached and quit being needy. I dont cling anymore, that has helped. I have taken on more of a leadership role
When we got married I let her run everything. I thought that is what she wanted.

And yes before all this started I had no problems touching her. All my older friends said when she got close to 40 all hell was going to break loose. I never thought my wife would be like that. I guess I was wrong again.
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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Thound said:


> My story:
> in the past 10 years she will not let me touch her below the waist with my hands.


Turn her upside down?


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

lenzi said:


> Turn her upside down?


Lol thought about that myself. Thanks I needed that.
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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

Has she put on weight at all?

Sometimes this sort of thing can be a self esteem issue.

Perhaps she just feels old and undesirable.

I had the "what on earth do you find so attractive about me." speech recently.

It can be a vicious circle sometimes, because they don't feel desireable it affects their libido.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Thound said:


> 11 years ago *I got the ILYBNILWY speech. She had previously had a low paying job. She got a good paying job 2 years before I got the speech.* She has had a lot of problems with her family, *she said she would have left me years ago, but she didnt want to run home to mommy. I did do some things Im not proud of when I was youn, but cheating was not one of them.* She thinks I had something going on with a coworker, but I didnt. I offered to do a polygraph she didnt want me to. *I feel like she has put my face on everything that is or was wrong in her life. She has told me she feels like she is my mother.* Since then I have detached and quit being needy. I dont cling anymore, that has helped. I have taken on more of a leadership role
> When we got married I let her run everything. I thought that is what she wanted.


 It sounds you have both made your share of mistakes here... with never opening up talking about them....with understanding, forgiveness, resolving -as to put these things behind you......which has left her FILLED WITH RESENTMENT that she is holding on to.. until she is willing to talk about this....and yourself doing all you can to make amends.. have you apologized in your own way..offering an olive branch...to get it out on the table... and work towards re-building your connection...without this going forth, the intimacy will stay stone cold... she is bracing herself trying to not be there during the act. 

The whole "I'm not in love with you anymore"- did she meet another man when she took the higher paying Job, that helped her detach even more so? 



> *And yes before all this started I had no problems touching her. All my older friends said when she got close to 40 all hell was going to break loose*. I never thought my wife would be like that. I guess I was wrong again.


 Anytime we stuff our emotions --this can have a devastating effect on intimacy... the 40's -women generally get a higher sex drive..this could be very bad if she is not in love with her husband... our hormones do go a little haywire (happened to me too but I was the opposite of your wife, I was chasing my husband down, he was saying "Rape ~ Rape" - joking here of course)... ..then add a mid life crisis to that..yeah...better hold on for the ride!!


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Thound said:


> Thanks for the reply. 11 years ago I got the ILYBNILWY speech. She had previously had a low paying job. She got a good paying job 2 years before I got the speech. She has had a lot of problems with her family, she said she would have left me years ago, but she didnt want to run home to mommy. I did do some things Im not proud of when I was youn, but cheating was not one of them. She thinks I had something going on with a coworker, but I didnt. I offered to do a polygraph she didnt want me to. I feel like she has put my face on everything that is or was wrong in her life. She has told me she feels like she is my mother. Since then I have detached and quit being needy. I dont cling anymore, that has helped. I have taken on more of a leadership role
> When we got married I let her run everything. I thought that is what she wanted.
> 
> And yes before all this started I had no problems touching her. All my older friends said when she got close to 40 all hell was going to break loose. I never thought my wife would be like that. I guess I was wrong again.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You could try pulling a complete 180. I'm not into game playing, but I don't believe the 180 is about playing games - just taking back your own power.

Are you a good husband? Do you have any hobbies? Do you spend enough time with your male friends? Do you take care of yourself physically? When last did you revamp your wardrobe? My line of thinking is that as your W refuses to give you anything to work with, start work on yourself and make any necessary changes. Not for your W, but for yourself.

Also, how do you feel after having sex with your W? It doesn't sound as though it can be in any way fulfilling for either of you, and in your shoes I'd rather take care of myself (regularly) than have sex with someone who doesn't want me. Frankly, I can't see this being healthy for your self-esteem, and I'd put an end to her getting to play martyr...

At the very least, the 180 might shake your W out of her apathy and get her to start taking notice of you.



> _The 180
> 
> 1. Don't pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
> 
> ...


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## RedRose14 (Aug 15, 2013)

You have to get your wife to communicate with you Thound, she will be getting absolutely nothing out of the sex that you are having, and if she's getting nothing out of it she's not going to be very enthusiastic about the whole thing. She needs foreplay if she's going to enjoy it. You need to try and find out why she doesn't want foreplay and try to encourage her to have some foreplay, just a little at a time. When your sex life was better before she became distant what foreplay did she like? The lack of a satisfying sex life will only increase the distance between you, if you can encourage intimacy with her, you will become closer.

Good luck!


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

I agree with Wysh, has she put on some weight?


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

mablenc said:


> I agree with Wysh, has she put on some weight?


She has put on wieght. Shortly after I got the speech or right before I cant remeber that far back, she lost a lot of weight, but she has put it back on. She has always had selfesteem issues.

I know someone is going to throw out the affair thing, and Im not saying its impossible, but there are hardly if any oppurtunitys as she is either at work or home are with her mom. We live in a small town and Im kin to half of it
I think I would have heard something. We work at the same place and her office is grand central station. People in and out all day long.
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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

She did tell me when she was attending a well know diet organiztion that her leader basiclly said I was the reason she was over weight.
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## RedRose14 (Aug 15, 2013)

Thound said:


> She did tell me when she was attending a well know diet organiztion that her leader basiclly said I was the reason she was over weight.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That is absolute nonsense Thound, she is the reason she is overweight, she chooses to eat too much and not move around enough, it's her decision, something you have no control over and no responsibility for.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You just have to ask her straight up what the deal is.

Sounds like she has a complex about her nether regions. Does she think she smells bad or something? Had a bad past experience? Ask her--she is the only one who can answer.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

RedRose14 said:


> That is absolute nonsense Thound, she is the reason she is overweight, she chooses to eat too much and not move around enough, it's her decision, something you have no control over and no responsibility for.


Oh I know and she probably knows, but it goes back to my earler post where I said I think she has put my face on all of her problems

I want make another point. My wife is a LADY. She is sweet, tender hearted. Everyone loves her. She is not hateful or a b1tc#. I juzt think somethings are buried deep within her and I cant do anything about it.
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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Cosmos said:


> You could try pulling a complete 180. I'm not into game playing, but I don't believe the 180 is about playing games - just taking back your own power.
> 
> Are you a good husband? Do you have any hobbies? Do you spend enough time with your male friends? Do you take care of yourself physically? When last did you revamp your wardrobe? My line of thinking is that as your W refuses to give you anything to work with, start work on yourself and make any necessary changes. Not for your W, but for yourself.
> 
> ...


I have implemented a lot of the 180. I have lost 25lbs. I lift weights 4 times a week. Im looking rather buff for an old fart.

My DIL said something to the effect that my wife was worried I was going to leave her. I will never leave her unless she is unfaithful. That silly Bible thing.
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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Thound said:


> She did tell me when she was attending a well know diet organiztion that her leader basiclly said I was the reason she was over weight.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


lol I can relate in a way, sometimes on the weekend my husband wants to eat junk food and I cave, it's easier to be in the same plan. Not his fault he's not shoving the food down my throat, I cave easier for some reason. Anyway I find myself unconsciously avoiding touched near the waist line if I'm gaining weight. So compliment her if she looks nice and maybe tell her since she feels your are not helping her diet efforts ask her how you can help. A quick way to get pass the "don't touch me there" phase is to join her in the shower.  this always works
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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

She has made my dinner then fixed herself something else. I have told her to fix wjat she wants to eat and I will eat it too. If I dont like it I will go get something else. She is an amazing cook. Even her healthy food tastes good.
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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Cosmos said:


> The only person who knows what the problem is is your W and she isn't telling. I*t sounds odd to me that she's able to have sex without some prior activity in the southern hemisphere.* Would she be amenable to MC?


Um, I can do that! There are parts of my body that are way more erogenous for me than direct contact down there!


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Jellybeans said:


> You just have to ask her straight up what the deal is.
> 
> Sounds like she has a complex about her nether regions. Does she think she smells bad or something? Had a bad past experience? Ask her--she is the only one who can answer.


When this started she said it was painful when I touched her there. I don't maul it. I have always tried to be as careful as I can. I think it is an emotional or mental thing.

She has always been the "good girl" type person. Sex with the lights off. In the bed 99 percent of the time. She has never really liked me to give her oral (which I love ).

And it's not just the sex I miss. I also miss the intamacy. Does that make sense?


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

When we do have sex (2-3 times a month) she always has an O. Or at least she fakes one. If she is faking, I wish she would do it quicker as I am completely exhausted after we finish.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Thound said:


> 11 years ago I got the ILYBNILWY speech.


I don't see where you have since gotten the "IMAMAIRDLY" speech (I made a mistake and I really DO love you).

She told you what the problem is. Didn't you "HEAR" her? And she's not talking because silence on the issue is a lot easier than the can of s.h.i.t that gets opened with the truth.

She doesn't love you and probably won't ever again. Half of marriages end in divorce and a HUGE % of the rest have the wife emotionally checking out. And people are surprised to hear that their marriage isn't in that tiny minority that are happy.

I can almost GUARANTEE her problem isn't "down south". It's as far north as you can get (in her head, get it?).


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## LadyDee (Oct 1, 2013)

Thound have you researched Vulvodynia, a condition in women that can cause pain, even when touching.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

Could she be having an affair?


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Healer said:


> Could she be having an affair?


Highly unlikely. Doesnt mean she may be infatuated with someone. We started dating when she was 17 and I was 19. Been married 31 years now. I think she wonders about what all she missed out on.
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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

MrK said:


> I don't see where you have since gotten the "IMAMAIRDLY" speech (I made a mistake and I really DO love you).
> 
> She told you what the problem is. Didn't you "HEAR" her? And she's not talking because silence on the issue is a lot easier than the can of s.h.i.t that gets opened with the truth.
> 
> ...


Oh I heard her loud and clear, but I figured I could will her to love me again. Ultimatly she could have left at any time. If she didnt or doesnt love me, why would she stick around? I wished I knew aboit this site 11 years ago. Things would be a lot different today.
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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Thound said:


> When we do have sex (2-3 times a month) she always has an O. Or at least she fakes one. If she is faking, I wish she would do it quicker as I am completely exhausted after we finish.


She's faking.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

MrK said:


> I don't see where you have since gotten the "IMAMAIRDLY" speech (I made a mistake and I really DO love you).
> 
> She told you what the problem is. Didn't you "HEAR" her? And she's not talking because silence on the issue is a lot easier than the can of s.h.i.t that gets opened with the truth.
> 
> ...


couldn't have said it better myself. She stuck with you because she felt she had nothing better to choose. The marriage hasn't improved since then. Why should she?

Go get His Needs Her Needs and start following it.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Thound said:


> Oh I heard her loud and clear, but I figured I could will her to love me again. Ultimatly she could have left at any time. If she didnt or doesnt love me, why would she stick around?


Really? What did you do different? You know, to 'will' her to love you again. Because clearly, what you did BEFORE the ILYBINILWY wasn't working.

And she stuck around for the same reason billions of women have stuck around.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

turnera said:


> couldn't have said it better myself. She stuck with you because she felt she had nothing better to choose. The marriage hasn't improved since then. Why should she?
> 
> Go get His Needs Her Needs and start following it.


Only works if both read it and apply it. Yes I read it and applied it. Got zilch.
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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

turnera said:


> She's faking.


If she is I wish she would do it sooner so that I can catch my breath. I have told her on many occasions if she doesnt want one just say so. No need to fake.
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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Maybe we are normal. I dont see many people together as long as us all lovey dovey. Maybe this is what marriage morphs into.

After my dad died months later my mom told me would have left him several times if she could have. I had always thought they were always happy
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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Thound said:


> If she didnt or doesnt love me, why would she stick around?


Ahhh...The great question in life.




Thound said:


> Maybe we are normal.


I fear you are correct. You perfectly described my marriage (Except for the fact that my wife won't even FAKE an orgasm.)


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Thound said:


> Only works if both read it and apply it. Yes I read it and applied it. Got zilch.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


What are her 5 top ENs? What are your 5 top LBs?


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

Thound said:


> When we do have sex (2-3 times a month) she always has an O. Or at least she fakes one. If she is faking, I wish she would do it quicker as I am completely exhausted after we finish.


Can you feel anything?

Warning TMI.

I can often tell as I can feel my wife twitching, pulsing deep inside. Totally different to when she practices her kegels on me.

No great expert on womens O's I'm afraid so it might not be possible to tell with all women, perhaps someone else would know?


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

Thound said:


> Maybe we are normal. I dont see many people together as long as us all lovey dovey. Maybe this is what marriage morphs into.
> 
> After my dad died months later my mom told me would have left him several times if she could have. I had always thought they were always happy
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


What do you call normal?

Mrs Wysh and I are nearly 25 years in. We aren't tongues down each others throats on the street.

However we always kiss when either of us leaves the other. We hold hands when walking on the street.

We send "love you's" to each other.

We miss each other when we are apart.

We still make love regularly.

Yes it is not the lovey dovey of when I first met her, but I think it is a more mature love.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

WyshIknew said:


> What do you call normal?
> 
> Mrs Wysh and I are nearly 25 years in. We aren't tongues down each others throats on the street.
> 
> ...


You are a blessed man. Don't take it for granted like I did


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

Thound said:


> You are a blessed man. Don't take it for granted like I did


Oh yes, obviously, I was just trying to say that I think it rare that people are as lovey dovey as when young.

It just tends to settle down later in life. Almost a different kind of love.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

WyshIknew said:


> Oh yes, obviously, I was just trying to say that I think it rare that people are as lovey dovey as when young.
> 
> It just tends to settle down later in life. Almost a different kind of love.


I totally agree. And not everything is bad in our marriage. We talk we laugh, we enjoy our first grandchild. She just has so much stress with her family, and terrible self-esteem problems that seem to weigh her down.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

This weekend was going good and out of no where she starts her ignoring me and being distant. I asked her what was wrong and got the usual nothing. Im strongly considering moving out after the holidays.
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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Tell her that.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

turnera said:


> Tell her that.


I really don't think she will care. I have told her in the past I was considering leaving, and she would say was ok.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Obviously she didn't believe you.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

turnera said:


> Obviously she didn't believe you.


Empty threats I suppose. I dont think she wants to be married, but doesnt want to be the bad guy. I think she is afraid the kids will reseny her, but if I leave, I will tell the kids its because she doesnt care about me. I hope the wont hate me.
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