# Am I being a baby, or was this rude?



## Natalie789 (Aug 24, 2013)

So I am having a bit of a debate with my husband and want a neutral (or as neutral as possible) third party to weigh in. He says I am being a baby and way over sensitive about something his sister said to me, I think it was very rude.

Here's the story, I'll try to make it short:

Things have been going very poorly for me financially and career wise. I have a college education, but I have been completely unable to find any sort of job in my field. I have literally tried everything, from going to networking events and job fairs, doing unpaid internships, freelancing for basically 3rd world wages, studying related subjects and doing online courses trying to learn new skills to add to my resume, and of course applying for hundreds of jobs online. I have even hired two different recruiters to help and they didn't get me anywhere. I am still unemployed despite all of this. Maybe it's because I'm unlucky or because I'm terrible in job interviews. I don't know why it hasn't worked, I just know I'm still unemployed.

The field I am trying to get into is very competitive, but I still feel horrible about myself. It doesn't help that my husband and I are doing terribly financially because I am not making enough money to actually help with bills. Anyone close to me knows that my unemployment and failure career-wise is a MAJOR source of insecurity and embarrassment for me.

Anyway, my SIL was hanging out with us one day and asked how the job search was going. She had just landed a great job in her field and was very happy about it. When I told her that it wasn't going well and I was still unemployed, she gave me this disapproving look and said, "it sounds like you just need to try harder." 

This really hurt my feelings because I don't know how to try any harder than I already am. My husband said nothing. He didn't defend me at all. Later when I told him how much the comment hurt my feelings he just rolled his eyes and said "quit being so sensitive she didn't mean it as an insult. She's just blunt."

So, what do you all think? Was that rude or do I just need to get over it because it wasn't a big deal?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

It was rude.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Perhaps you are a bit over sensitive because of the stress you are under. Honestly her comment doesn't sound that bad. The tone and intent of the comment are relevant but not something you can get across to us online.

Maybe she is like so many other people and just says what comes to mind, no ill intention meant.

Don't let it cause a rift between you and your husband, it really isn't worth it. Why not use the comment to fire yourself up, you said it is a very competitive area so you need to be motivated and enthusiastic, use the comment to do that.

Have you considered a job in a different field just to get you into the work force? It is far easier to get another job when you already have one.


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## Natalie789 (Aug 24, 2013)

Holland said:


> Perhaps you are a bit over sensitive because of the stress you are under. Honestly her comment doesn't sound that bad. The tone and intent of the comment are relevant but not something you can get across to us online.
> 
> Maybe she is like so many other people and just says what comes to mind, no ill intention meant.
> 
> ...


It's not really "coming between us" just something we've discussed. 

I am working with my husband's business for the time being which I hate. I really can't stand having my husband boss me around and he's definitely not the easiest person to work for. But I guess most people hate their jobs so....meh.


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

I think it was insensitive.


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

If the sister-in-law knew all that you wrote in your background explanation, her remark could be interpreted as insensitive. If she didn't know any of hat it be considered less so. Not knowing your sister-in-law I am in no position to know if she is blunt in her conversation all the time or just in this instance.

As for your husband, it would seem reasonable, or at least supportive, for hi to have said something about how hard you have been trying.


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## SoxFan (Jun 9, 2012)

It was rude. The statement from your husband that she is just blunt only excuses the fact that she is probably used to saying many things to many people that come across as rude. We have someone like her in our family also.

That being said, you know how hard you have been working to find work and hopefully your husband appreciates that, so I'd let it go. Although it would have been nice of him to show you some support.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

It was insensitive, but judging from your husband's reaction, I find myself wondering if he may feel that you're not trying enough, too. You've done plenty, but perhaps you're missing something. Is there a reason you didn't mention submitting applications personally? Getting to know the people who hire? It's not that you're unworthy, but more that in a high-tech world, making that personal connection counts for a lot more than you might think!


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

It was rude.


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## ManOhMan2013 (Aug 1, 2013)

Natalie789 said:


> So I am having a bit of a debate with my husband and want a neutral (or as neutral as possible) third party to weigh in. He says I am being a baby and way over sensitive about something his sister said to me, I think it was very rude.
> 
> Here's the story, I'll try to make it short:
> 
> ...


*OH DO I EVER FEEL YOUR PAIN!!! I AM SO SORRY YOUR SISTER IN LAW IS SO FOOLISH! (Okay, let me calm down). sigh.... I PROMISE YOU one day your sister in law will be out of work AND THESE VERY SAME WORDS, IN THE VERY SAME SELF RIGHTEOUS UNCOMPASSIONATE WAY WILL COME BACK TO HER!!! I PROMISE YOU!!!!! It may take years, but it will happen! I have been out of work for OVER 4 YEARS! I have tried everything too. I know what you are going through. I am very sorry!!! The economy and job market are a lot worse than people realize!!! Hang in there. I wish you the best. You have every reason to be upset!!!! YOU HAVE EVERY REASON TO BE UPSET AT YOUR SISTER IN LAW!!!!*


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Her comment was rude & insensitive.

With that being said, I find that many people are like her. They ask a question & don't really want to hear the truth if it's "bad news." With people like that, I can't be bothered telling them my problems. I stick with "everything is fine."


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## wilderness (Jan 9, 2013)

People in general tend to be totally clueless about how difficult it can be to find a job for some people- even capable people. I think the comment was rude, but it's the norm so I'd cut your sil some slack.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Any time someone tries to make me dismiss MY FEELINGS, I have learned that that person is a jerk. That person doesn't care about my feelings and probably isn't too in touch with their own.

It was rude. You are not a baby. He lacks compassion.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

1) Might I ask your age?
2) I feel your pain. I may literally be forced to start a business as the market for my age group is very very low.
3) Generically what field is your degree?
4) First impression is it is rude. Between a 4 and a 7 on the rudeness scale where 0 is very slight and 10 is calling both you and your mom swear words.


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## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

In this current climate many and stress many people across the world who have studied hard, undertaken low wages to get the so called skills in demand are having the same issue as you. People in some and it some minority vocations are finding job seach simple and its reults rewarding. Your SIL has, I suspect a career where movement is fluid and opensings come around reasonabley well. Good for her. But it is insensitive to make try harder comments. The more interviews your knocked back on the lower your esteem. Thats a simple one. However, sometimes you just need to look at the role you apply for and think. I'll venture elsewhere, bring in some cash and take the pressure off. Ive met many highly skilled people who are doing what some consider to be manual, unskilled roles and these have stayed employed for years. Might be a moral in here somewhere? Try stepping back, taking something else and be aware not to show the potential emplyer what all the qualification are in your skillset. That way youll get a money maker and can then if you feel you want to seek another role more in keeping with the view you have. It also works wonders when you go to an interview and are not desperatley hoping for the post. You actually will be more relaxed and confident. Interviewers sense this.

As for your SIL - let it go. Life can bite you on the rear when you think your above it all. Her bite may just be waiting


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

It's not about her SIL. It's about her husband's reaction to her when she said it hurt her. Her SIL can say whatever she wants. But when your husband doesn't have your back or says you're a baby because you FEEL SOMETHING...that's shetty behavior...and feels like crap too.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I mean, just a simple, "Yea, it was insensitive...but she's blunt....sorry it stung." Is better than "you're being a baby."


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

She was rude, but you can stand up for yourself, don't expect your husband to do it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Natalie789 (Aug 24, 2013)

KathyBatesel said:


> It was insensitive, but judging from your husband's reaction, I find myself wondering if he may feel that you're not trying enough, too.


You hit the nail on the head here. We've gotten in a couple of fights where he has said things like "you don't deserve a job." and "you have nothing to offer (to an employer)" and things like that. He said when I talk about it with his family I am, "making a fool out of myself." I thought the point of family, in-laws and otherwise, was that you could talk about things that are bothering you without judgement? I guess not, so I have stopped talking to people about my job issues.

He then takes these things back when he isn't mad anymore, but the fact that he said them in the first place makes me think he truly does believe them about me. 

Now I am working for his business and he thinks I should just keep doing that. I don't really get paid (He gives me $100 per week and uses the rest for our bills, which I guess is fair) and it isn't what I want to do with my life at all. I'm miserable with it, and I tell him that.

His response: "Do you think those people working at McDonald's want to do that with their lives? Get over yourself. Why do you think you are better than everyone else? You're not. Just work hard and hope that it leads to something you want to do." The problem is I don't see how the company and what I'm doing with him could lead to what I want for my life.

...sigh....


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## Natalie789 (Aug 24, 2013)

SoxFan said:


> It was rude. The statement from your husband that she is just blunt only excuses the fact that she is probably used to saying many things to many people that come across as rude. We have someone like her in our family also.


Yep, she's the youngest in the family and basically gets away with murder. I have heard her talk to a lot of people like crap and her family just shrugs it off. She is in her late 20s and reminds me of a teenager with the way she acts sometimes. I just steer clear of her when I have to. When we are in the same room, we basically just ignore each other, which is A OK with me!

She made one remark over email about me that was extremely rude. My husband sent her an email saying he had a bad feeling about her current boyfriend, you know trying to look out for his sister. She took it as a huge insult and then starting attacking me and our relationship.

One time I was trying to be nice and inquiring about the city where she lives. I asked if such and such neighborhood (where she did not live) was as bad as I have heard. She gave me a look and said "no just all the white people see black people there and assume it's bad." They are african american, I am white. Again, my husband says it's not an attack or rudeness, just her being sick of hearing people talk badly about that part of the city. Umm ok she's lived in that city for a year and doesn't even live in that part of it.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

If anything I'd say it was ignorant. She probably didn't intend for it to be or even really think about what she was saying. It was an insensitive comment to make regardless.

If she's someone who has never struggled to get a job, been unemployed for a long period of time, or struggled financially without much of a support system then it's probably easy for her to say something insensitive like "just try harder" regarding a situation she's never even been in, probably doesn't completely understand, and can't relate to.

Unfortunately, there are a lot of people out there who don't bother to look at another person's situation and attempt to imagine what it would be like in that person's shoes. Let alone feel any type of empathy for them.


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## ShyEnglishman (Aug 23, 2013)

Natalie789 said:


> Yep, she's the youngest in the family and basically gets away with murder. I have heard her talk to a lot of people like crap and her family just shrugs it off. She is in her late 20s and reminds me of a teenager with the way she acts sometimes. I just steer clear of her when I have to. When we are in the same room, we basically just ignore each other, which is A OK with me!


What she said was insensitive. I'm not sure I'd call it rude. No offence, but your current job search strategy clearly isn't working. That's not to say that you're not doing everything to make it work because it sounds like you're putting in 100 times the effort that most people make and I salute you for that, but maybe its time to step back re-evaluate, and devise a new strategy. You said you'd done unpaid internships. Could it be that you are selling yourself short? Could prospective employers be wondering why you work for free? Sorry to say it, but might you be coming across as desperate? I wonder if your sister in law meant something like that but simply doesn't have tact?

I wish you look in your job search. I feel quite sure that if you put in even a fraction of the effort you describe, you will succeed. Its just a matter of time.

As for how to react to your SIL and husband, maybe tact is just not a strong point in their family? I'd just shrug it off.

One other thing to consider regarding your husband's response. If your SIL goes round upsetting people all the time, could it be that as her big brother, your husband is just tired of having to mop up the mess she leaves wherever she goes? That's not an excuse, but it's something to consider when deciding how to deal with him.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It was rude and insensitive... unless you have been slacking off and she knows what you have and have not been doing. But let it go. She's feeling like finding a job is easy right now because she just got one.

Your husband's works are the ones that are a problem. Stop talking to him about this. He is upset because you are not bringing in an income.

How long have you been unemployed.

STOP working for your husband. It's causing trouble between the two of you. You really need to get a job doing anything.. yes even at McDonald's, Walmart, whatever. Or advertise your skills in the services section of Craigslist. Do anything to stop working for him and get a job.

Then once you have a job, start looking for your next job. Slowly you can move towards a job you really want. It's a lot easier to get a job if you already have one.


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## ManOhMan2013 (Aug 1, 2013)

Natalie789 please watch this video. It talks about the losing the old self and finding the new self (the dark night of the soul.) It's kind of what you might be going through. I know it is with me and my unemployment.
Paul Ferrini - Dark Night of the Soul - YouTube


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

I'm so sorry you are going through this. 
Your SIL was rude and mean. 

Why are you working for your husband for free? Stop that!!


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## Natalie789 (Aug 24, 2013)

ShyEnglishman said:


> You said you'd done unpaid internships. Could it be that you are selling yourself short? Could prospective employers be wondering why you work for free? Sorry to say it, but might you be coming across as desperate? I wonder if your sister in law meant something like that but simply doesn't have tact?
> 
> I wish you look in your job search. I feel quite sure that if you put in even a fraction of the effort you describe, you will succeed. Its just a matter of time.


I just saw this. Unpaid internships are the norm in this field. A friend of mine did five AFTER graduation before she finally landed a full time job. She was working unpaid for about 2 years straight until she got the job. It might seem excessive, but it is very common.


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## jane1213 (Aug 10, 2012)

Oh dear that was rude . Regarding the job hunting maybe you need to apply to companies in different cities . Maybe it is time to work in a different field and work your way up ? I know people with no college education working in banks. Maybe you need a diploma or something for that . Also , u can get career advice with someone . Though it is pricey but I think it should work .


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Nat, you are selling yourself short. You're letting him use you as slave labor. For $100 a week, a minimum wage would be about 10 hours. If I was in your shoes, I'd refuse to work more than that and go get a McDonald's job! Or apply for my field until I got a better paying job. 

It sounds like your man may be crossing a line into emotional abuse, which goes beyond simply being rude or insensitive.


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

Are you putting your husband's business on your resume? If you are that MIGHT be part of the problem...

Potential employers don't take too kindly to people who work in a 'family business'. They don't see it as a 'real' job. Even if you've been doing it for 10 years, they see you as having been Unemployed for 10 years...

...unless you know how to write a DYNAMITE resume! 

It's not hopeless; just more difficult.

Vega


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Sure what your SIL said was insensitive but why did she say it? I would bet she is just echoing things your husband has said to her. It could just be a matter of perspective, what you may feel is an exhaustive job search your husband seems to feel you aren't trying hard enough. 

It sounds like your husband doesn't have much respect for you, and my guess is he shares those feelings with his sister. I would certainly stop working for your husband, you can make that same $100 a week about anywhere and have a little more self respect. I haven't read all the post so am not sure what your degree is in but there are lots of college degrees that are a waste of money due to changing economic trends or fields saturated with qualified candidates. I say this because maybe you are trying to kick life into a dead horse and there just aren't enough opportunities in your field in your area. 

Make finding a job an obsession, log every resume or application, log every interview and conversation with any potential employer, log the actual number of hours a day you are searching or gathering information. Have a professional create a resume for you, practice interviews with a friend or family member. Always follow up an interview with a thank you e-mail, and then another e-mail 5 days later asking if the position has been filled or if you are still under consideration. Do not be afraid to apply at the same business every few months, persistence pays off.

By logging everything some things may come to light, such as the amount of time you are actually spending on your job search and also certain patterns. Patterns such as you get interviews but no call back, that would tell you your resume has enough horse power to get you in the door but maybe your interview skills fall short.

Anyway.....bottom line is your SIL was rude, your husband shows a lack of respect.....prove them both wrong.


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## YupItsMe (Sep 29, 2011)

It was insensitive but now that you have an answer it is time to let it go and get back to things that matter


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

Natalie789 said:


> You hit the nail on the head here. We've gotten in a couple of fights where he has said things like "you don't deserve a job." and "you have nothing to offer (to an employer)" and things like that. He said when I talk about it with his family I am, "making a fool out of myself." *I thought the point of family, in-laws and otherwise, was that you could talk about things that are bothering you without judgement? I guess not, so I have stopped talking to people about my job issues.*
> 
> He then takes these things back when he isn't mad anymore, but the fact that he said them in the first place makes me think he truly does believe them about me.
> 
> ...



I've found that family is often the very people who DO judge their relatives.
Take a cruise around TAM, read for yourself how terrible family can be.
I think your SIL was being rude to you, it does seem she was deliberately saying something to hurt you.
Her comment was not flippant, it was intended to wound.
Let that be a reminder to you, that you can't share with her, otherwise it can very well be thrown back into your face.

I feel for you that you haven't been able to get a job in your field, I've been underemployed since '07 & I don't see it getting any better soon.
This IS the new normal in the US, with the attitude from employers that we should be falling over ourselves being grateful we have jobs.
My advice to you is go find those internships, while working any kind of job you can find that would allow you to work the internship, while not working for your husband.
Of course it's going to tough to work 2 jobs at once, but in the end it will be worth it if it leads to getting a job in your field. 
It doesn't matter what the paying job is if it allows you to pay your bills & still work the internship. 
It won't be forever, it is worth the sacrifice if you can achieve your goals.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Natalie789 said:


> You hit the nail on the head here. We've gotten in a couple of fights where he has said things like "you don't deserve a job." and "you have nothing to offer (to an employer)" and things like that. He said when I talk about it with his family I am, "making a fool out of myself." I thought the point of family, in-laws and otherwise, was that you could talk about things that are bothering you without judgement? I guess not, so I have stopped talking to people about my job issues.
> 
> He then takes these things back when he isn't mad anymore, but the fact that he said them in the first place makes me think he truly does believe them about me.
> 
> ...


Agree with you....sigh.....

Your husband is also rude & insensitive just like his sister. He should be your biggest cheerleader in your job search but he is kicking you while you are down.

My advice to you is to keep working for your husband, stop complaining & keep pounding the pavement looking for a new job. Keep your job search to yourself even from your husband because he is not supportive.

His comment about people working at McD's is ridiculous! He doesn't know their situation as he puts them down also. 

I also went through a 3 yr. job search & recently landed my perfect job. I got all the usual rude comments from ignorant people with jobs LOL about not trying hard enough. I learned very quickly who my "supporters" were & did not share info with toxic energy vampires.


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## Natalie789 (Aug 24, 2013)

UPDATE: I still haven't found work, but I found out my SIL got LAID OFF about two months ago! Her comment happened a while before that.

She has a master's degree, but now she is a part-time barista living with her mother. I'm tempted to tell her to "try harder." But I'm not that mean.


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## ManOhMan2013 (Aug 1, 2013)

Natalie789 said:


> UPDATE: I still haven't found work, but I found out my SIL got LAID OFF about two months ago! Her comment happened a while before that.
> 
> She has a master's degree, but now she is a part-time barista living with her mother. I'm tempted to tell her to "try harder." But I'm not that mean.


*What did I tell you in my response to you? I promised you that someone will tell her the same thing she told you, TRY HARDER! Now she will know how you feel. Don't call her and say "try harder." I have a feeling you will be getting a call or email from her apologizing for her stupid insensitive statement towards you. Please let me know when this happens.*


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## Unique Username (Jul 6, 2013)

Natalie789 said:


> UPDATE: I still haven't found work, but I found out my SIL got LAID OFF about two months ago! Her comment happened a while before that.
> 
> She has a master's degree, but now she is a part-time barista living with her mother. I'm tempted to tell her to "try harder." But I'm not that mean.


Yep, don't do that. Your feelings were hurt when she simply made an ignorant comment. She was feeling good about landing that job, and simply spoke without thinking or knowing it would hurt you so bad. Sometimes we say things we don't really mean.

BUT - if you are financially strapped you SHOULD go out and get a job. Whatever job you can to bring in cashola while you are looking for your CAREER. Go to your University Placement office and let them help. 
Get a job so you have less of an employment gap.
Better to show that you were the best gall-darned Frappucinno maker while you were looking for the bigger prize. (And starbucks pays health insurance and other bennies to part-time employees so SIL actually did a smart thing. AND if she is single she might actually meet some cool dudes at the same time)

I would agree with your husband you are making a mountain out of a mole hill.


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