# Husband want to track all expenses



## Lilly_confuse (Jun 2, 2021)

my husband thinks that i am financially supporting my family without his knowledge. Truly, i am not. i did save some money (as i am working too) in a seperate account. to be honest, i thought keeping money seperate , person can save it better as we dont touch it. he started tracing the bank account and questioning where this transaction go or where that goes, etc. and, i started explaining. And, then he does not appear to be satisfied with my responses he want to check other accounts and see if i am saying it true. this was hurting and really felt to my stomach. at some point, i then bluntly asked him "you dont trust me, you have a fear. isn't" . to this he said, i am just saying that i want to verify that if you are keeping this money then why you need it. i replied what is your suspicion, why i am keeping it aside. he did not respond. and i told him, you are suspecting me that if i am supporting my family behind you. He did not reply again. but i am certain this is the reason. i know, he logged int my account last night and browsing all the stuff. 
i just hate this. it feel i am not worth it, the one thing i proud that he trust me this but it does not look like.
i was reluctant and pissed off that i said no way i am answering you and no way i am showing my account. i dont know why i said but i was so angry. i also closed my acocunt and going to give all this money to him back. i dont care simply and it is just not worth it. 
what would you have done in this situation?


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

Other people might have other opinions, but family money is family money. And while it's fine to have separate accounts both parties should agree to it and secrets shouldn't be kept about it. I would have been very suspicious if my ex-husband had started saving money in a separate account without talking it over with me. And when I was married, we did track our money. Including giving ourselves discretionary money that didn't have to be explained. But we each agreed on how much money that was. We sat down every pay period and worked out our budget.


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## Lilly_confuse (Jun 2, 2021)

But what would you say if he has suspicions that wife is using money to support financially her parents. And, just to add he does not like wife's family at all. So, if wife satisfy his this need today then tomorow might be something else. Wife has to prove all life long. isnt it unfair?


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## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

Lilly_confuse said:


> But what would you say if he has suspicions that wife is using money to support financially her parents. And, just to add he does not like wife's family at all. So, if wife satisfy his this need today then tomorow might be something else. Wife has to prove all life long. isnt it unfair?


This is simply a boundary issue. I would feel uncomfortable with my husband having a side account. It is too easy to hide things and finances, in my opinion, should be open. We have separate accounts for discretionary spending but they are still connected to our shared online banking.

If it makes your husband feel uncomfortable, I’d suggest having more conversation about why he feels that way. It seems like he thinks you would lie or undermine him even though he’s expressed concerns about funding your family.


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## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

BlueWoman said:


> Other people might have other opinions, but family money is family money. And while it's fine to have separate accounts both parties should agree to it and secrets shouldn't be kept about it. I would have been very suspicious if my ex-husband had started saving money in a separate account without talking it over with me. And when I was married, we did track our money. Including giving ourselves discretionary money that didn't have to be explained. But we each agreed on how much money that was. We sat down every pay period and worked out our budget.


This is our method as well. Preset “fun money” seems to work well since we bypass the discussion about justifying our personal purchases.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

To each its own. What's OK for someone it's not OK for another. Boundaries abounds as there are people. 

Personally, I'm more than OK when my wife needs money for someone in her family and vice-versa. We don't have separate anything, we're one. Everything comes out of the we're one. Obviously, that's only us the rest of humans they all have their own niche situations to which they must agreed beforehand or the problems will arise sooner rather than later. 

In your own case, you must have an understanding with your husband as What's what .


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

So my wife and I have a joint account where we have an agreed upon amount that we contribute to every pay check (this is used for joint expenses and savings), the rest is our own money to do with as we want. Neither one of us gets a say on how it is used. It's not a huge amount and it works for us. I don't want to police her spending and I don't want her policing mine.

I have no worries about it, it's her money that she earned, I know what is in the main account which is the majority of where our money goes anyway. We discuss how we spend that. If she wanted to use her personal money to support her parents why would I care. Again that is her money. 

As far as using it on something like cheating as I always say on here, if my wife decides to cheat or do something to betray my trust that is her loss. I have no control over this, and the feeling of control is an illusion anyway. If she wants to abuse my trust she can find a way. I understand that and had to get to the point to accept it. I know it would hurt but ultimately I know I would be fine.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

There should be openness about finances.


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

Lilly_confuse said:


> my husband thinks that i am financially supporting my family without his knowledge. Truly, i am not. i did save some money (as i am working too) in a seperate account. to be honest, i thought keeping money seperate , person can save it better as we dont touch it. he started tracing the bank account and questioning where this transaction go or where that goes, etc. and, i started explaining. And, then he does not appear to be satisfied with my responses he want to check other accounts and see if i am saying it true. this was hurting and really felt to my stomach. at some point, i then bluntly asked him "you dont trust me, you have a fear. isn't" . to this he said, i am just saying that i want to verify that if you are keeping this money then why you need it. i replied what is your suspicion, why i am keeping it aside. he did not respond. and i told him, you are suspecting me that if i am supporting my family behind you. He did not reply again. but i am certain this is the reason. i know, he logged int my account last night and browsing all the stuff.
> i just hate this. it feel i am not worth it, the one thing i proud that he trust me this but it does not look like.
> i was reluctant and pissed off that i said no way i am answering you and no way i am showing my account. i dont know why i said but i was so angry. i also closed my acocunt and going to give all this money to him back. i dont care simply and it is just not worth it.
> what would you have done in this situation?


Where is this coming from?
Had you been giving them money secretly in the past?
If you had....then I guess he needs to verify because you weren't truthful before. 
If, on the other hand, you've never given money away behind his back then his high level of suspicion seems mysterious.


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

Maybe he's just listening to too much Dave Ramsey stuff. I know I get all gung-ho about tracking every penny after listening to this on the radio. 

Tell him to just stay away from Dave Ramsey if you aren't on board!


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

You put money in a separate account and didn't tell him about it beforehand. Unless you two have completely separate finances, that's pretty deceptive.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Lilly_confuse said:


> my husband thinks that i am financially supporting my family without his knowledge. Truly, i am not. i did save some money (as i am working too) in a seperate account. to be honest, i thought keeping money seperate , person can save it better as we dont touch it. he started tracing the bank account and questioning where this transaction go or where that goes, etc. and, i started explaining. And, then he does not appear to be satisfied with my responses he want to check other accounts and see if i am saying it true. this was hurting and really felt to my stomach. at some point, i then bluntly asked him "you dont trust me, you have a fear. isn't" . to this he said, i am just saying that i want to verify that if you are keeping this money then why you need it. i replied what is your suspicion, why i am keeping it aside. he did not respond. and i told him, you are suspecting me that if i am supporting my family behind you. He did not reply again. but i am certain this is the reason. i know, he logged int my account last night and browsing all the stuff.
> i just hate this. it feel i am not worth it, the one thing i proud that he trust me this but it does not look like.
> i was reluctant and pissed off that i said no way i am answering you and no way i am showing my account. i dont know why i said but i was so angry. i also closed my acocunt and going to give all this money to him back. i dont care simply and it is just not worth it.
> what would you have done in this situation?


You opened a secret bank account without his knowledge and started making deposits and want to complain about HIM trusting YOU?
You’re clearly in the wrong. Sorry.


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## ISeekSolace (Apr 14, 2021)

I am surprised to see the responses. Does he have a separate account like you for savings? Do you have a common account as well?


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## Asterix (May 16, 2021)

Lilly_confuse said:


> i did save some money (as i am working too) in a seperate account. to be honest, i thought keeping money seperate , person can save it better as we dont touch it. he started tracing the bank account and questioning where this transaction go or where that goes, etc. and, i started explaining.


This is vary suspicious. A couple of ways to look at having a secret bank account is this: You could be using that money to fund your activities that he does not know about. You could have a drug habit that you don't want him to know. You could be supporting a whole different family with that money. Heck, you could even be saving that money up so that once you have enough money, you'll just leave. 

You didn't mentioned the circumstances about how your husband found out about your secret bank account. If he found out by mistake and not by your own admission, then it'd make things even more suspicious.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

OP...please explain WHY you felt the need to stow money away WITHOUT telling him why. You will get more helpful responses.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

I do have a side account, I told my husband I was opening one and he has the password and details and can check any time. I like that he forgets about it 😊

Like you, it’s money that is out of sight and out of mind, and at the end of each year we go on a holiday, or buy something for the house.

What you did and the way you reacted (you’re not going to let him see it now that you’ve been caught!?!) speaks volumes about how you may treat him in other areas. It’s a great sign of disrespect and your tantrum is blame-shifting and deflection. You hurt his feelings and he is to blame??


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

And darling, you are looking for ways to prove your father right. You’re a married woman, not daddy’s girl anymore. I fear that you are looking for ways to leave your husband, perhaps subconsciously. Seek your husband’s approval, not your father’s. 

I mean this with kindness, I have seen this play out in my culture many times. Tell me, what will happen to you if your husband just gives up eventually and decides enough is enough? 

Can I ask something, have you told your family about this money? Discussed with them how you have been saving? When you had this argument with your husband, did you then tell your parents about the fight? Was the money secret from just your husband, or did your family know about it?

What happens when your marriage is over? Will your dad welcome you back with open arms? Of course he will, at the start... ‘We knew he was the wrong man for you! Welcome home daughter!’

And then what happens?? 

Your father knows you are slipping away from your husband.


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## coquille (May 8, 2018)

In many countries there are no laws that protect women financially in case of divorce. Women practically get nothing no matter what is the reason behind the divorce. For this reason, most women save money secretly because they want to have some kind of financial safety. In the US or Canada couples are financially transparent because the law is for the most part fair to women in case of divorce or separation, so there is no need to have a secret account. At the same time, men are also secretive financially with their women in countries where a son is supposed to help financially his parents, and he doesn't want to confront his wife's questioning and complaints, so he does it secretly. There is secrecy on both sides, but there is more reason for women to be secretive because they face a lot of financial insecurity. In many cases they are not really welcome back or just welcome begrudgingly by their parents because they become a financial burden on them.
OP, does this apply to you? Is it a cultural thing that you have been witnessing in your own family or is there any other reason why you are secretly saving? Looks like you reside in Canada, so there is no reason for you to have a secret account. You also wrote that you were the one who suggested to your husband that he might be suspecting that you help your family financially with these savings; even if he went silent, he did not accuse of this, but at the same time you said that he doesn't like your family. 
I think you should have an honest conversation with your husband about finances. Be honest with him and ask him to be honest with you too. You both might need some counseling to solve this issue, because it sounds like it is a symptom of something that goes beyond finances.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

Lilly_confuse said:


> But what would you say if he has suspicions that wife is using money to support financially her parents. And, just to add he does not like wife's family at all. So, if wife satisfy his this need today then tomorow might be something else. Wife has to prove all life long. isnt it unfair?


I think you and he are both focusing on the wrong thing. The real problem is that you opened an account that your husband doesn’t know about. He doesn’t trust you. And he shouldn’t. You just did something deceptive.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Lilly_confuse said:


> But what would you say if he has suspicions that wife is using money to support financially her parents. And, just to add he does not like wife's family at all. So, if wife satisfy his this need today then tomorow might be something else. Wife has to prove all life long. isnt it unfair?


Is that the case though? Do you financially support your parents without your husbands ok or knowledge? Did you open the other account after discussions with him or in secret? So much info is missing from your post.

I would hit the roof if I found my husband had another account I knew nothing about - I'd be wondering if he was planning to leave me.

We have a joint account, he's always been 100% open with me about finances and I have full access to everything. I do have an account of my own, that was opened when we sold my old house, but he has full access to it, and all earnings etc. go into our joint account anyway. That's how it should be in a marriage. From there, both parties can discuss and agree on separate "play money" accounts (or other types), but everyone needs to be on the same page about it.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Lilly_confuse said:


> my husband thinks that i am financially supporting my family without his knowledge. Truly, i am not. i did save some money (as i am working too) in a seperate account. to be honest, i thought keeping money seperate , person can save it better as we dont touch it. he started tracing the bank account and questioning where this transaction go or where that goes, etc. and, i started explaining. And, then he does not appear to be satisfied with my responses he want to check other accounts and see if i am saying it true. this was hurting and really felt to my stomach. at some point, i then bluntly asked him "you dont trust me, you have a fear. isn't" . to this he said, i am just saying that i want to verify that if you are keeping this money then why you need it. i replied what is your suspicion, why i am keeping it aside. he did not respond. and i told him, you are suspecting me that if i am supporting my family behind you. He did not reply again. but i am certain this is the reason. i know, he logged int my account last night and browsing all the stuff.
> i just hate this. it feel i am not worth it, the one thing i proud that he trust me this but it does not look like.
> i was reluctant and pissed off that i said no way i am answering you and no way i am showing my account. i dont know why i said but i was so angry. i also closed my acocunt and going to give all this money to him back. i dont care simply and it is just not worth it.
> what would you have done in this situation?


Is this your money that you earned working? If so he's out of line as long as you're paying half the home expenses. If it's all his money that he earns and you're not working, then I can't really blame him for wanting to see transparency. Certainly nothing wrong with separate accounts but that needs to be your money you earn.

If that is money you earn then he is really out of line and being controlling and suspicious and you may have to set your foot down and just don't budge because you do have a right to have your own account if you have your own money.


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## maree (Jun 13, 2011)

My husband and I have separate accounts. I dont have to tell him when I make purchases and vice versa. I also have my own savings account. This money is mine, at least in our relationship, and I get to spend it as I see fit. However, if my husband asks to see my accounts, I will let him. But he's never asked. I have asked to see his out of curiosity and he's obliged. I have told him how much money I have and vice versa. As a married couple I do feel we have a right to know this about each other, in all fairness.

Personally I get you are upset but I dont think you need to be. Transparency helps maintain trust. If your husband asks to see your account, let him, and offer explanation for his questions. When he doesn't find anything, move on. I'm assuming this isn't a regular pattern with your husband and he doesn't normally have trust issues?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Is this your money that you earned working? If so he's out of line as long as you're paying half the home expenses. If it's all his money that he earns and you're not working, then I can't really blame him for wanting to see transparency. Certainly nothing wrong with separate accounts but that needs to be your money you earn.
> 
> If that is money you earn then he is really out of line and being controlling and suspicious and you may have to set your foot down and just don't budge because you do have a right to have your own account if you have your own money.


Does it go the other way, too? Okay, so then I hope all of the men out there hear this from you: Just pay half of the home expenses, and _the rest of your income is all yours to do what you want with in a separate account_. 

So if someone makes 100k a year, after paying half of the "home expenses" they going to have literally thousands left over every month. Which they can put in a separate account and do whatever they want with and poo poo to the other spouse--- it's their money. What a spectacular set up for resentment, suspicion, discontent, and divorce.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

maree said:


> My husband and I have *separate* accounts. I dont have to tell him when I make purchases and vice versa. I also have *my own savings* account. *This money is mine*, at least in our relationship, and I get to spend it as* I see fit*. However, if my husband asks to see my accounts, I will let him. But he's never asked. I have asked to see his out of curiosity and he's obliged. I have told him how much money I have and vice versa. As a married couple I do feel we have a right to know this about each other, in all fairness.
> 
> Personally I get you are upset but I dont think you need to be. Transparency helps maintain trust. If your husband asks to see your account, let him, and offer explanation for his questions. When he doesn't find anything, move on. I'm assuming this isn't a regular pattern with your husband and he doesn't normally have trust issues?


Sounds like what’s mine is mine, what’s yours is ours to me, but if it works for you.....


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## anna2020 (Dec 3, 2020)

You two should've discussed it in beginning. And it's one thing to let him know something like : "Look honey, I have a separate account. I think I can save better etc" but not when you have another account as a "secret". Him tracing it, clearly an indication of him not trusting you. Relationship is based on trust. Just talk to him in calmly voice and you both should decide what the solution should be? Both parties should agree!


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Looks like she's not around, but I see she does work.

Do you work full time? 

I will say that you should not be supporting your extended family unless he agrees to it and, again, that you are paying half all the household expenses. I know someone who drained the life out of someone doing that.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Lilly_confuse said:


> But what would you say if he has suspicions that wife is using money to support financially her parents. And, just to add he does not like wife's family at all. So, if wife satisfy his this need today then tomorow might be something else. Wife has to prove all life long. isnt it unfair?


The problem is you already lied to him about the secret account. Listen… he felt suspicious, and his intuition was right, you were lying (hiding) something. This is going to make him think your hiding something else. I don’t blame him.


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