# She's demanding marriage or moving back..



## marriedornot (Oct 26, 2015)

need help -- my fiancé and I have been living together for about a year now....and I need advice. Lately, we fight all the time. Maybe you could give me some advice on how to get through to her.

She initially told me that she wouldn't move in with me, unless we were married. I eventually convinced her to do so -- even before we got engaged. But, it was clear she wanted a ring. She got it. 

Things seemed fine until she started a new job. (She quit her previous job when she moved across the country to live with me). She initially told me that it was okay if I handled the finances. (In order to get her to move here, I told her I could support her and her bills until she found a job).

As soon as she found a job (first month)...she balked at the idea of putting all of her paycheck in my account. I am paying the bills! I promised her that she could just spend normally and I would handle it. Well, she obliged and then when I started seeing her manicures and hair styling - I hit the roof! She is making 90k a year, but I have to pay off all the debt I incurred traveling to see her when we were dating. 

She has (now) scaled down her spending. But, then there was an issue with healthcare. My company is cheaper than hers...so I told her we could put it on my work plan. (That required a county "informal" marriage document). She agreed to do that ... to save 200 bucks a month. (We are going to get married anyway!) 

But, as soon as we did that -- now she is angry because I told her we aren't REALLY married. I don't want our family to know we did this and apparently she doesn't get that! She wanted to list herself as married on FB! When I told her that I felt she was trying to frame me -- she went nuts. She started sobbing and screaming at me -- telling me I ruined her life - because I apparently don't REALLY want to marry her. That's not true - but I don't like how she's demanding this now... 

Well, this woman doesn't understand ceremonies cost money! She says that her family is not happy that she is "living in sin" and she wants a wedding...or she's leaving. 

I told her that she has a fancy ring and that's going to have to suffice for awhile. She asked how long....and then had the nerve to ask for separate bank accounts! 

I make FAR more than she does ...and while she is supplementing my income -- it's weird that she wants to separate now. What is that about? 

I have gotten her health insurance -- and she is not grateful (obviously). She is constantly looking unhappy around the house. She says nothing is wrong...but I sense that there is. 

Her family dislikes me now and says they don't approve of our living situation. They won't even come to visit for the holidays because she's not married to me. She says that she expected that we would be married and I want a REAL ceremony... not just some court house thing.

What do I do to get through to her?

PS -- She used to be ALL over me and now she will hold my hand and have sex only every other day. I feel there's distance from her. She says that she is not distant and that she is fine....But, seriously we used to have sex 2 times a day.....Now, if it's once a day -- I'm lucky. She drinks at least 2 glasses of wine a night and says it's her "desert" but I just don't know what to do. I can't stand the fact that I think she's hiding money from me...


----------



## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

What is an "informal" county marriage document?


----------



## marriedornot (Oct 26, 2015)

It's basically common law marriage. We are married in the eyes of the state. We would have to get a divorce if we seperate...so she says that means i should wear a wedding ring and actually be married to her....

http://www.divorcenet.com/states/oklahoma/common_law_marriage_in_oklahoma

And after we filed the documents at the courthouse ...she was angry that I didn't treat it as a "big deal".... she was very weird about the whole thing. yes, it was my idea...but I made it clear even though the state thinks we are "married" ...I do not believe we are..... and we shouldn't tell people.


----------



## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Drinking 2+ glasses of wine a night seems rather excessive.

So what exactly is the hold up with getting married, finances (sounds like your income combined with hers should be fairly sufficient)?


----------



## gouge_away (Apr 7, 2015)

You are married!
If is public knowledge your a liar to pretend you aren't married.
If she wants a expensive ceremony, maybe she needs to cut back on the manicures to save up for one.


----------



## Cecezakat (Jun 20, 2015)

What the heck?? Her reaction sounds pretty spot on to me. You are stringing her along for not much good reason. The money she makes alone is enough to have a decent wedding, plus you say you make more than her? Have the wedding or let her go. You seem really ridiculous in how you are treating her. 

If she works and makes that much money, let her have some damn manicures and go to the salon. It's not your place to tell her how to spend her extra money.


----------



## Sure that could work (Jun 9, 2015)

from OP:_As soon as she found a job (first month)...she balked at the idea of putting all of her paycheck in my account. I am paying the bills! I promised her that she could just spend normally and I would handle it. Well, she obliged and then when I started seeing her manicures and hair styling - I hit the roof! She is making 90k a year, but I have to pay off all the debt I incurred traveling to see her when we were dating. 
_

She makes 90K a year and you say you make more but she has to cut down on manicures because you are paying off your dept from visiting her..........somehow she uses your insurance to save $200 bucks a month? Wow this little bit right here is kind of strange.

I can understand why she is upset with this arrangement. Besides the fact that you promised her marriage and apparently have no clear plan for that in the future, you also are using her money to pay what is really your dept. You are calling the account all the money is going into your account........this seems to be pretty one sided from the outside looking in.


----------



## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Umm you are married. If you have to legally get a divorce if you break up then you are legally married. If you wanted a traditional ceremony and all that why did you ever agree to this!?

Find some nice little get away a few hours from home, find a minister there and go have a quick ceremony and weekend honeymoon to satisfy all parties.


----------



## marriedornot (Oct 26, 2015)

No to her credit...she doesn't even want a ceremony. But I do..for my family. 

But she is mad because her family won't even come to the wedding anymore because we haven't actually "married" (because I told her not to tell people!")

I think I am doing her a big favor by giving her insurance. But, this desire to get seperate accounts is suspicious to me. I think she wants to have her own money to spend the way she wants. 

She got mad that I was questioning her hair ...saying "you said I didn't have to change my spending routiine...by moving with you!" 

Well, she needs to realize that I have to pay house taxes on the house she lives in ...thanks to me! She says "we are married now...so it's our house.. I give you my checks and I help pay the mortgage." What entitlement!?! Right?

We had an enermous fight last weekend because we were at dinner and she told me that she needs dental work and I told her that she needs to pick a problem! She wants to be formally married (costs money) and she wants to ger her hair done...and now she needs dental work to the tune of 5k! Apparently the insurance doesn't cover this and she ruined the dinner by telling me this.

The fight dragged on and on and I eventually told her if she makes so much money (as she likes to say ) then she can go buy a house of her own and we were done! She sstarted running for the door and sobbing!) I told her if she really loved me she would appreciate everyting I am doing for her and the nice house we live in and realize that I have to prioritize expenses....


----------



## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

marriedornot said:


> No to her credit...she doesn't even want a ceremony. But I do..for my family.
> 
> But she is mad because her family won't even come to the wedding anymore because we haven't actually "married" (because I told her not to tell people!")
> 
> ...


Why not have separate bank accounts and one joint account. You each pay your pro rata share (based on each person's income against the total) of the bills into the joint account. Whatever is left over you guys each spend as you see fit. This is how my wife and I handled our finances and it allowed us both to contribute to the household but also have our own money to do with without having to answer to the other.

So she is paying nothing towards the household?


----------



## marriedornot (Oct 26, 2015)

She pays all of her check to me...and I pay all the bills. I handle everytihng -- and I monitor her spending via text message when she makes a debit. She does not have an account. I handle all. She averages about 6k a month in surplus of her bills.


----------



## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

marriedornot said:


> She pays all of her check to me...and I pay all the bills. I handle everytihng -- and I monitor her spending via text message when she makes a debit. She does not have an account. I handle all. She averages about 6k a month in surplus of her bills.


So why not separate out as I suggested. The bills would still get paid, and after that who cares what she does with the rest of her money.


----------



## marriedornot (Oct 26, 2015)

Because she needs to contribute and help me pay the debt that I incurred from visiting her when dating etc! 

And then she tells me she wants to spend money on taking her family to dinner -- when they don't approve of me....i'm not allowing that!

I told her if we split finances she will pay 50/50 on mortgage etc. 50/50! She quikcly backed down from that idea because she knows that she will have zero money!

i have a lot more money than she does and after paying 50/50 on everything she will have nothing left. She says that's not fair becuase she makes less. I said ...to bad...this isn't obamacare!


----------



## ihatethis (Oct 17, 2013)

marriedornot said:


> Because she needs to contribute and help me pay the debt that I incurred from visiting her when dating etc!
> 
> And then she tells me she wants to spend money on taking her family to dinner -- when they don't approve of me....i'm not allowing that!
> 
> ...


Sounds to me that you have a control thing with money. Does she not agree that she needs to help pay for the debt for visiting her while you were dating?


----------



## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

marriedornot said:


> Because she needs to contribute and help me pay the debt that I incurred from visiting her when dating etc!
> 
> And then she tells me she wants to spend money on taking her family to dinner -- when they don't approve of me....i'm not allowing that!
> 
> ...


I am not saying 50|50. If you make 150k and she makes 100k, she pays in 40% towards the bills and you pay in 60%. As each of your incomes change the allocation changes. There is no reason to do a 50|50 split, especially if you make significantly more. Factor in the debt from your dating days if you want.


----------



## marriedornot (Oct 26, 2015)

Well, I could still dispute the fact that we are "legally married" on the technicality that you are supposed to publicly display yourself as married and i do not. She wants me to...but I have not.

She went nuts last night saying that if I didn't agree on a wedding date and a place asap ...she was done. I told her I think she's trying to frame me financially. I'm not divorced and I don't like this game she's playing. Why all of a sudden is she insisting on being married??? Something is not right!



Wolf1974 said:


> Umm you are married. If you have to legally get a divorce if you break up then you are legally married. If you wanted a traditional ceremony and all that why did you ever agree to this!?
> 
> Find some nice little get away a few hours from home, find a minister there and go have a quick ceremony and weekend honeymoon to satisfy all parties.


----------



## Sure that could work (Jun 9, 2015)

marriedornot said:


> No to her credit...she doesn't even want a ceremony. But I do..for my family.
> 
> But she is mad because her family won't even come to the wedding anymore because we haven't actually "married" (because I told her not to tell people!")
> 
> ...


Can't you really see from your posts how controlling you are towards your wife? Dental work or health issues are usually a non factor for arguing about money. Those are not incidentals and one really shouldn't be in a position to have to choose whether to seek a dentist or doctor. She gives you her checks and helps to pay household expenses and since she points this out you call her entitled? 

First you tell her to pay for a wedding you need money, but yet you are already married but don't want her to tell anyone.......


----------



## marriedornot (Oct 26, 2015)

She says that she should not be held liable for the debt from dating becuase she incurred more than I did....I have asked for receipts but have yet to see them! Plus we have to travel to visit her daughter out of state and now she wants to help pay for her college! My kids didn't have their college paid for ...even though I could afford it. I make 300k a year but I have a ton to pay in mortgage and taxes alone...

She says that since she is contributing 90k a year and not spending "much money" (I disagree) that her monthly surplus of 6k should go to these thins.



ihatethis said:


> Sounds to me that you have a control thing with money. Does she not agree that she needs to help pay for the debt for visiting her while you were dating?


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

gouge_away said:


> You are married!
> If is public knowledge your a liar to pretend you aren't married.
> If she wants a expensive ceremony, maybe she needs to cut back on the manicures to save up for one.


Apparently he wants an expensive ceremony.... "I want a REAL ceremony... not just some court house thing."

He is saying that he cannot marry her yet because he cannot afford the ceremony the HE wants.


----------



## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

marriedornot said:


> need help -- my fiancé and I have been living together for about a year now....and I need advice. Lately, we fight all the time. Maybe you could give me some advice on how to get through to her.
> 
> She initially told me that she wouldn't move in with me, unless we were married. I eventually convinced her to do so -- even before we got engaged. But, it was clear she wanted a ring. She got it.
> 
> ...


Man up....quit whining about money, and marry the girl....Or tell her you cannot commit and let her go back home to her family....

Debt from dating?????

If she was broke and you had to support her totally, would you marry her? What if she was pregnant, and was told she had to quit work and go on total bed rest....

I think she deserves better.....

Google John Wayne...He could act like a man...


----------



## marriedornot (Oct 26, 2015)

I did the healthcare thing as an under the rug thing...to help out with healthcare. i didn't want to tell people we were married and she acted shocked that I didnt want to wear a wedding band. 

The problem is I think she's trying to frame me...Why is she insisting on us being married so fast? Publicly? When we had a fight the other night she ran for the door and then she stopped and said ...No if you want me to leave you will have to kick me out of here...it's my house now too. I said NO IT'S NOT! We are NOT married! I will fight you til the end of the earth! And I will!

this morning she sent me weekend getaway places for a new year's ceremony...I just feel something is not right. She is trying to set me up....right? 

Is it fair for her to ask for marriage or leave? 



Sure said:


> Can't you really see from your posts how controlling you are towards your wife? Dental work or health issues are usually a non factor for arguing about money. Those are not incidentals and one really shouldn't be in a position to have to choose whether to seek a dentist or doctor. She gives you her checks and helps to pay household expenses and since she points this out you call her entitled?
> 
> First you tell her to pay for a wedding you need money, but yet you are already married but don't want her to tell anyone.......


----------



## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

I'm having some math trouble with this thread. This is what I am understanding.
She makes 90,000 / year. She spends 162,000 / year. There is an argument about 2400 / year savings on insurance that doesn't cover 5000 in dental work. Cutting back on hair styling will fix it?


----------



## Workathome (Aug 30, 2014)

marriedornot said:


> No to her credit...she doesn't even want a ceremony. But I do..for my family.
> 
> But she is mad because her family won't even come to the wedding anymore because we haven't actually "married" (because I told her not to tell people!")
> 
> ...


She should leave you. No woman with a career that makes 90K a year wants to be treated like this.

What culture are you from that you do not treat this woman as a partner?


----------



## marriedornot (Oct 26, 2015)

No she makes 90k a year...probably spends about 30k. The surplus should go to my bills from dating her and her engagement ring. 

I have a line of credit from her engagement ring that she freaked out about ...since she said that I shouldn't be counting her money toward the engagment ring or her family dinners.



Mr. Nail said:


> I'm having some math trouble with this thread. This is what I am understanding.
> She makes 90,000 / year. She spends 162,000 / year. There is an argument about 2400 / year savings on insurance that doesn't cover 5000 in dental work. Cutting back on hair styling will fix it?


----------



## Sure that could work (Jun 9, 2015)

marriedornot said:


> I did the healthcare thing as an under the rug thing...to help out with healthcare. i didn't want to tell people we were married and she acted shocked that I didnt want to wear a wedding band.
> 
> The problem is I think she's trying to frame me...Why is she insisting on us being married so fast? Publicly? When we had a fight the other night she ran for the door and then she stopped and said ...No if you want me to leave you will have to kick me out of here...it's my house now too. I said NO IT'S NOT! We are NOT married! I will fight you til the end of the earth! And I will!
> 
> ...


But here is the thing....from what you have said....you are truly and legally married. But you don't want to admit it or act like it. And yes that house is probably half hers.....the married thing will assure her of that depending on where you live. She didn't need to set you up......you did it on your own......LOL


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

marriedornot said:


> I'm not divorced ...


So you are married to someone else?


----------



## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

You want her to pay for her engagement ring? And for dates that happened a while ago?


----------



## marriedornot (Oct 26, 2015)

My bad...No...mis text. I meant "I'm divorced..." 

My problem is now she wants to spend money on her child's tutor etc....everything is about her kid....and her teeth...and visiitng her kid... enough! What about me? What about making ME happy?



EleGirl said:


> So you are married to someone else?


----------



## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

marriedornot said:


> No she makes 90k a year...probably spends about 30k. The surplus should go to my bills from dating her and her engagement ring.


While I think that both parties should contribute to the expense of dating, you really believe she should help pay for her engagement ring???!:surprise:


----------



## marriedornot (Oct 26, 2015)

I racked up a lot of spending..going to visit her constantly. I would go a couple of times a week (flying) beuase I missed her...but she now throws that in my face and said she never thought she would be "charged" for being visited....she says since she paid for a lot of our travels ..it was fair. 

It takes 2 to tango!



SadSamIAm said:


> You want her to pay for her engagement ring? And for dates that happened a while ago?


----------



## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Yikes. She'd be wise to get her own banking account, _at the very least._


----------



## Sure that could work (Jun 9, 2015)

marriedornot said:


> I racked up a lot of spending..going to visit her constantly. I would go a couple of times a week (flying) beuase I missed her...but she now throws that in my face and said she never thought she would be "charged" for being visited....she says since she paid for a lot of our travels ..it was fair.
> 
> It takes 2 to tango!


Apparently from reading your posts it takes only you and your wife's paycheck to tango.

I am officially at a loss for words after reading the word "I" so many times...........


----------



## marriedornot (Oct 26, 2015)

So, you think it is fair for her to demand a wedding by New Year's? 

She says we are already married...I say "no!" So, she wants to make it "official" by my standards....and she wants some stupid small wedding ...since we can't afford a big one.

I told her even a "small" wedding will cost 10k ..that we don't have. I think she's trying to frame me here. She acts like we are married and we are NOT. Sure, we have a formal document for the insurance...by I know my lawyers could fight on the technicalities...I don't agree that we are formally married. I try to do a favor by giving her this for insurance ...and she's using it against me! 



Sure said:


> Apparently from reading your posts it takes only you and your wife's paycheck to tango.
> 
> I am officially at a loss for words after reading the word "I" so many times...........


----------



## Cleigh (Dec 5, 2013)

Who charges their partner for dating them? That's what it looks like to me. You had travel costs to date her, so now you make her pay for it. It's like making your child pay you once they are an adult for all the years you spent money on them. 
She should leave, find someone better.


----------



## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

marriedornot said:


> I racked up a lot of spending..going to visit her constantly. I would go a couple of times a week (flying) beuase I missed her...but she now throws that in my face and said she never thought she would be "charged" for being visited....she says since she paid for a lot of our travels ..it was fair.
> 
> It takes 2 to tango!


You should have had this discussion before travelling there a bunch of times. To only bring it up now is wrong. You are throwing it in her face. 

If she was posting here, I would tell her to file for divorce. 

You are so 'out there' that I have a feeling you are just having some fun with us.


----------



## marriedornot (Oct 26, 2015)

Fun? No, I'm a man who has been divorced before and was taken to the cleaners...I will never let that happen again. I gave my ex everythign she wanted and she cleaned me out...

Now, I think this woman is framing me to do the same... Something is not right.





SadSamIAm said:


> You should have had this discussion before travelling there a bunch of times. To only bring it up now is wrong. You are throwing it in her face.
> 
> If she was posting here, I would tell her to file for divorce.
> 
> You are so 'out there' that I have a feeling you are just having some fun with us.


----------



## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

I was engaged in October and married in December, indeed on New Year's Eve. Now, one could debate the intelligence of that given some of our relationship's problems, but ... yes, it is indeed doable. I can say for certain our wedding cost no where near $10,000. 

And with the amounts of money being thrown around that you both make, the complaints about money frankly, amuse me. How do you have a combined income of what, $180,000 + and you are saddled with debt? She has more -leftover- than than we make together.



> I did the healthcare thing as an under the rug thing...to help out with healthcare. i didn't want to tell people we were married and she acted shocked that I didnt want to wear a wedding band.


So basically, you are asking her to commit insurance fraud with you and keep it on the downlow. How do people with an -extra- income of $6,000 + a month randomly get "informally" married for $200 a month? Thank makes no sense to me at all. 

It sounds to me like you are using -her- honestly. You control all the money, you monitor her spending like her father. She isn't allowed a separate account. You are punishing her for your ex-wife. You got a high income career woman who is likely high-maintenance. You likely like her "look" PS - that costs money. You want her to -pay- for the glory of dating you. It sounds like you plan on "making up" for that old divorce with this woman picking up the tab.


----------



## hotshotdot (Jul 28, 2015)

Your "wife" has every reason to be upset. She told you she wanted to get married before moving in with you, you convinced her to do it anyway. She even moved across country to live with you, giving up her job & independence. She lands a job & you expect her to hand over her paychecks without being married. She makes good money, you make even more, yet you're complaining about manicures & hairdressers? Where does her paycheck go? To pay off your debts from traveling to see her? All of it? Does she not get a choice of how her earnings are spent? What else are you spending her money on that doesn't leave enough for her to get her to get her hair done? At 90K a year for her income alone, it's perfectly reasonable to spend money on manicures & hairdressers - plus those niceties not only allow her to do something that feels good to her but often it's part of the job image too. I'm having a hard time understanding your difficulty with this. Are you also expecting her to be paying half of your mortgage for the house you live in because you now share it (even though the house is yours & not hers in any legal way)? You need to sit down & plan your budget together. 

There are plenty of ways to split the household bills that don't require you to take all her money & then control how she spends it. Set up a household budget together. Have her contribute a fair portion to the shared household expenses based on her earning ability (not 50/50). Remember that she is not responsible for your debts, you are. You should be saving some money every month to pay down your debts if she's sharing the expenses you would normally have alone (utilities, food, insurance, etc.). If she has extra left at the end of the month she may choose to help you with your debts but that should be her choice, it is not her obligation even as your wife to pay for debts you incurred prior to marriage. 

The fact is you ARE MARRIED in the eyes of the law. The way that you are denying being married to this woman who you are living with & sharing finances with is probably a huge slap in the face to her. All she wanted was to get married, when you finally do (for health insurance reasons) you won't acknowledge the commitment you both made. Just accept the fact that you are married, you no longer have to save for a big wedding now, and let your wife be happy that you've finally married her.


----------



## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Starstarfish said:


> It sounds to me like you are using -her- honestly. You control all the money, you monitor her spending like her father. She isn't allowed a separate account. *You are punishing her for your ex-wife*. You got a high income career woman who is likely high-maintenance. You likely like her "look" PS - that costs money. You want her to -pay- for the glory of dating you. It sounds like you plan on "making up" for that old divorce with this woman picking up the tab.



You have some serious issues dude! 

Set her free. She deserves a man without baggage to boot.

You're a control freak. No one would want you, if you would of shown your true colors while dating.

Poor woman!

I hope she dumps you yesterday. Maybe you will see that she is not your X. Maybe then you will start appreciating HER!

Not one person has posted on your side. Doesn't that tell you something? 

Bibi


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Your girlfriend is right in everything she says and you are so wrong it's really unbelievable. I think this is a troll thread.
She should not pay your "dating debt". That's ridiculous. She should not pay half the house note. I noticed you want her to pay the note, but it's "your" house. Wow You are legally married. No lawyer can get you out of that.
She is an idiot for being in love with a money grubbing control freak. If I were her I'd divorce you before you ruin her life.
I just hope if she gets pregnant, you don't make the baby pay rent, and pay the debt on the little fellow's hospital bills when he turns 18. 
You do know something is wrong with you, right?


----------



## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

Also, not telling people you are married doesn't somehow legally protect you from being married. So if that's your big hope, then ... you are already SOL.

Of of the requirements for a Common Law Marriage in your state is:



> there must be an actual and mutual agreement between the parties to enter into a permanent and exclusive marriage (this must be a current agreement; being engaged or agreeing to get married at some point in the future doesn’t count.)
> 
> the parties must hold themselves out to the community as husband and wife.


So ... basically, yeah, you signed papers saying those two things are true for insurance reasons. Yet to swear they aren't true. So you are A - a fraud, and B a liar. And then wonder why she's angry.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

marriedornot said:


> Fun? No, I'm a man who has been divorced before and was taken to the cleaners...I will never let that happen again. I gave my ex everythign she wanted and she cleaned me out...


It would really be good to have some more info so that we can understand your situation better.

How long ago was your divorce final?

How long were you married to your ex wife?

How many children do you have with your ex and how old are they?

How many children does your now wife have, and how old are they?

How long ago was her divorce?



marriedornot said:


> Now, I think this woman is framing me to do the same... Something is not right.


Your current wife has been living with you about a year.

Let's pretend for a moment that she is framing you. Exactly what do you think she's trying to gain by framing you?

She would be entitled to 50% of all assets that the TWO of you accumulated since the date that the you established your common law marriage. That's probably the date that you both signed that document.

She is right that the house you live in is her HOME. That means it's her legal residence. As such you have no right to throw her out of her legal residence. She has no right to throw you out. It would be the same if the two of you lived in a simple apartment. If you wanted her out of the house, you would have to file an eviction notice, and follow your state laws for eviction. Since she can prove a legal common law marriage, a judge will not throw her out until a divorce is final or the two of you agree on who is moving out.

It's where you both live... what is a legal residence is not the same as home ownership.

When did you buy the house? She would be entitled to 50% of the equity that the home accrued in the time you two have been in a common law marriage. How much did the house go up in value in the last year? Probably not a lot.

She would get half of all cash assets that you could not prove were yours before the common law marriage. Plus, you would get 50% of any cash assets that she could not prove were hers before the marriage.

So I don't see how she can be framing you... it's pretty cut and dry. 

.


----------



## marriedornot (Oct 26, 2015)

She IS a liar saying we are married... She said that since I told some as*hold on the phone the other day that she was my "wife" (customer service for healthcare) that she is LEGALLY my WIFE. I told her I was doing her a favor and that she is sadly mistaken.

I also said that since I have not called her my wife to my family or anywhere else...then we are not agreeing to all the stipulations of being "married".

I just don't like it that she's forcing it down my throat.

Elegirl to answer your questions: I have been divorced for 3 years. I have 2 Kids...to whom I pay child support. I do not pay anything more than that including their health insurance deducitbltles. If their mother can't pay...then my oldest (20 years old) can pay her own deductible. I keep receiving collections notices but I'm not paying that...I'm not a bank.

So my "fiancé" has a child and she wants to pay for a 200.00 a month TUTOR for her child????? Ummm no! We have bills to pay including a wedding...that she keeps pushing. 

I know SHE doesn't want a courthouse wedding...but I want something significant for my family. She doesn't care because her family has already discounted our relationship because they think I'm a monster or something...I think she is telling them bad things about me! They won't even meet me..how could they possibly hate me? 



Starstarfish said:


> Also, not telling people you are married doesn't somehow legally protect you from being married. So if that's your big hope, then ... you are already SOL.
> 
> Of of the requirements for a Common Law Marriage in your state is:
> 
> ...


----------



## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

> So my "fiancé" has a child and she wants to pay for a 200.00 a month TUTOR for her child????? Ummm no! We have bills to pay including a wedding...that she keeps pushing.


This can't honestly be for real. 

Hey, it's convenient, there's that $200 a month you got back by asking her to commit fraud by letting you call her your wife to everyone but well ... anyone who matters.

She isn't "pushing" a wedding. You signed legal documentation to both the state and this insurance company (and possibly your employer) that this woman is your wife. You refer to her as "your wife" in order to maintain a fraud. 



> I told her I was doing her a favor and that she is sadly mistaken.


If I was her, I'd move out yesterday. Anytime someone tells you they are "doing you a favor" by being with you, you know exactly where you stand.


----------



## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

marriedornot said:


> I know SHE doesn't want a courthouse wedding...but I want something significant for my family. She doesn't care because her family has already discounted our relationship because they think I'm a monster or something...I think she is telling them bad things about me! They won't even meet me._.how could they possibly hate me?_


*OMGoodness! I don't know you and I really really dislike the way your coming across. It's what you say and how you say it that is frustrating and yes HateFul! I am not surprised they don't like you one iota. She needs to LEAVE YOU!*

and for crying out loud, stop asking for her to pay for when you were dating her! You are coming across as sooooooo cheap!





[/QUOTE]So my "fiancé" has a child and she wants to pay for a 200.00 a month TUTOR for her child????? Ummm no! We have bills to pay including a wedding...that she keeps pushing. [/QUOTE]

*You don't get to decide what she spends on HER child. She works, it's her money she is going to use not YOURS!*

Were you this controlling with your XW?

You need therapy and the sooner the better. I don't see another way to get helped. 

I hope you learn from your mistakes for the next poor woman that falls in love with you.

Bibi


----------



## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

I'm going to agree with her on this, an engagement ring is a gift. If you couldn't afford that much ice you should have bought less. Modern dating is more of a share thing but in my day expecting the gal to pay for anything would have been in bad taste. 

The lesson to be learned here is Financial Compatibility, you haven't got it.


----------



## marriedornot (Oct 26, 2015)

I'm sorry, I'm just upset. I just don't understand why she can't protect "us" and understand that her money and my money...go to OUR debt first. I am not out to help her ex husband pay for their kid's tutor?!!

It's not critical...the kid is only getting a "c" and the ex husband should pay this...not her.

I saw that she deleted text messages off her phone between them and I know she is secretly giving him money for this kid and I don't like it one bit. She denied it but I could tell the texts surrounding it are deleted.

She said that she just didn't want me to get involved and she would "handle it'...well (if she isn't hiding money) how is SHE going to handle anything since her paychecks are deposited into my account?

I think she is trying to pay him for this ...and she has absolutely no respect for me and "US".

And she really thinks demanding a "ceremony" by New Year's is going to make me feel better?

Things are calm right now...but I KNOW (I went through her emails) that she is planning to leave me if I don't agree to marriage by New Years.

That's so unfair to me! I want a family wedding -- why can't we wait until we are out of debt???

EDIT: I should also point out that she asked to see the allocations on my checking account and she got mad that I had attributed her lingerie purchases to "her" spending. She said that was a slap in the face because she bought those things for ME. I told her that it didn't matter....she is buying lingerie...period. It was HER decision.



Bibi1031 said:


> *OMGoodness! I don't know you and I really really dislike the way your coming across. It's what you say and how you say it that is frustrating and yes HateFul! I am not surprised they don't like you one iota. She needs to LEAVE YOU!*
> 
> and for crying out loud, stop asking for her to pay for when you were dating her! You are coming across as sooooooo cheap!


So my "fiancé" has a child and she wants to pay for a 200.00 a month TUTOR for her child????? Ummm no! We have bills to pay including a wedding...that she keeps pushing. [/QUOTE]

*You don't get to decide what she spends on HER child. She works, it's her money she is going to use not YOURS!*

Were you this controlling with your XW?

You need therapy and the sooner the better.

Bibi[/QUOTE]


----------



## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

[/QUOTE]I'm sorry, I'm just upset. I just don't understand why she can't protect "us" and understand that her money and my money...go to OUR debt first. I am not out to help her ex husband pay for their kid's tutor?!![/QUOTE]

Not really, she feels the need to assist in her child's education. THAT is priority too. You just don't want to see it. You may not be her husband for long, her kid will always be HER kid. 

You are scary! 

Bibi


----------



## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

So you send money for your kids one of whom is -20- but you expect her ex to pay all of the bills associated with her child why?


----------



## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Yikes, so many wtf moments in this thread 

Honestly you two just don't sound compatible. You both appear to have a lot of baggage from previous marriages and are probably not ready to be back in a relationship. The best thing to do, let her move back with her family and go your separate ways.


----------



## marriedornot (Oct 26, 2015)

I pay child support and car payments for them....but she is not legally required to pay this money and I think this is another sign that she's out to get my money...she thinks money grows on trees! 

90k doesn't go very far when you have a car payment and school loans (HERS!) to pay....she only has one credit card to pay off but what about car insurance and everything else? And my electric bill iS FAR higher now that she lives here! 

I told her the dental work may only be 5k (Only is her word) but she ONLY brings in 6k (after her bills are paid a month..) That doesn't include any of her clothing and make-up. 

Her argument is that I should be grateful for her bringing in an extra net 6k a month....while I am....I don't want her to think she can go spending that money...



Starstarfish said:


> So you send money for your kids one of whom is -20- but you expect her ex to pay all of the bills associated with her child why?


----------



## sixty-eight (Oct 2, 2015)

I almost hope you don't follow any of this advice. just keep going. let things run their natural course.


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Dude,
Your thought processes are bizarre.

You would want a woman that didn't value her own daughter? 
You are so screwed. She must be a feeaking saint for putting up with your miserly ways this long. 

It's all about you and your debt. She sees her pay as being all about her and her daughter. Exactly what should you do for her?


----------



## marriedornot (Oct 26, 2015)

I think she should value our relationship first and then the rest will come...

Her employer changed payroll systems this week and I am very concerned that she is hiding money from me. She tells me her direct deposit is delayed because of the payroll issue and the fact that she went from "contractor to employee" and she showed me some inter office emails...but I think she is hiding money from me.

I don't understand why she continues to do this to me... I don't want any surprises..

She says I shouldn't be tight on money since she has a 10k "credit" for her expenses...But I don't like this mystery.

Why isn't her check coming? Something is wrong.



Evinrude58 said:


> Dude,
> Your thought processes are bizarre.
> 
> You would want a woman that didn't value her own daughter?
> ...


----------



## marriedornot (Oct 26, 2015)

How do you think we have baggage from pervious marriages? Personally... I agree she has guilt over her daughter...and that her contributes to her constant need to pay for tutors etc or go visit her....


Again -- do you think it's okay for her to demand that we have a "ceremony" by New year's? She wants this to say we are formally married....she wants to do it on her own NOW -- to which I say NO.

We would have to put this on the credit card to get married by New Years and I don't feel as if going into debt is the right thing to do....and she says either marry by then or she's done.

What do I do to make her understand it isn't that simple...

She is upset because I did a simple civil ceremony with my ex and says I won't do the same for her.... 



EllisRedding said:


> Yikes, so many wtf moments in this thread
> 
> Honestly you two just don't sound compatible. You both appear to have a lot of baggage from previous marriages and are probably not ready to be back in a relationship. The best thing to do, let her move back with her family and go your separate ways.


----------



## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

marriedornot said:


> I think she should value our relationship first and then the rest will come...
> 
> Her employer changed payroll systems this week and I am very concerned that she is hiding money from me. She tells me her direct deposit is delayed because of the payroll issue and the fact that she went from "contractor to employee" and she showed me some inter office emails...but I think she is hiding money from me.
> 
> ...


Dude, you need to do this woman a favor and leave her so you can stew in your own paranoia and controllingness. 

If she is NOT your "wife", then she has EVERY RIGHT TO HER OWN MONEY, and that includes NOT depositing HER check into YOUR privately controlled (by YOU alone) bank account. 

I am hoping that she will REFUSE to give you ONE DIME of her money unless and until YOU come up with a financial plan that's FAIR to BOTH of you. Right now, it's ONE SIDED, and it's favoring YOU. 

I'm also hoping that when she finally LEAVES YOUR A$$, that you get into some serious therapy. Your thought process is so bizarre it's scary. 

Until you have your thoughts under control, you shouldn't even consider dating, let alone, getting married.


----------



## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

marriedornot said:


> Again -- do you think it's okay for her to demand that we have a "ceremony" by New year's? She wants this to say we are formally married....she wants to do it on her own NOW -- to which I say NO.


Do you think it's o.k. to string her along for over a YEAR without making any solid plan as to WHEN the two of you could marry? 



> We would have to put this on the credit card to get married by New Years and I don't feel as if going into debt is the right thing to do....and she says either marry by then or she's done


Based on how controlling and paranoid you are, I'm surprised she's not done with you already...



> What do I do to make her understand it isn't that simple...


Actually, it IS 'that simple'. You two are already legally married, whether you like it or not. All you have to do is start acknowledging it to friends and family and BINGO. And the beauty of it is, YOU didn't have spend a DIME. 



> She is upset because I did a simple civil ceremony with my ex and says I won't do the same for her


You already did a simple ceremony with her.


----------



## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

marriedornot said:


> How do you think we have baggage from pervious marriages? Personally... I agree she has guilt over her daughter...and that her contributes to her constant need to pay for tutors etc or go visit her....
> 
> 
> Again -- do you think it's okay for her to demand that we have a "ceremony" by New year's? She wants this to say we are formally married....she wants to do it on her own NOW -- to which I say NO.
> ...


I think you mentioned that your ex wiped you out. Also, you seem very insecure that your current lady friend is up to something to take your money, and it is obvious you want to have complete control over how she spends every cent. Sounds like baggage to me as it sounds like you are in a sense trying to protect yourself from what you dealt with when you were with your ex.

You also said you convinced her to move out to you, so yes, she has every right to expect a wedding ceremony. you just don't want to go through it.


----------



## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

EllisRedding said:


> I think you mentioned that your ex wiped you out. Also, you seem very insecure that your current lady friend is up to something to take your money, and it is obvious you want to have complete control over how she spends every cent. Sounds like baggage to me as it sounds like you are in a sense trying to protect yourself from what you dealt with when you were with your ex.
> 
> You also said you convinced her to move out to you, so yes, she has every right to expect a wedding ceremony. you just don't want to go through it.


Absolutely agree with this. OP, you probably shouldn't even be in a relationship until you resolve your own issues.


----------



## hotshotdot (Jul 28, 2015)

You should consider yourself lucky she still wants to marry you at all based on your controlling behavior without being married. Your debts are your debts, not hers. You took that on yourself. She does not owe you for travel expenses while dating, that's something you took on knowing full well she had no obligation to reimburse you for (did you plan to sue her if things didn't work out?). The engagement ring was a gift, she shouldn't have to pay for that either.

If you are living above your means then you need to cut your expenses. You shouldn't be using her to pay your debts. Let her pay a share of expenses that'll make your life easier but you can't expect her to turn over all her income (much more than her share of expenses) & then have you nickel & dime everything she spends. Have her put an amount into a joint account each month to cover her share of the household expenses & the rest she can spend how she wants (on manicures & her child & lingerie, etc.). Then you won't have these disagreements. If she wants to go ahead & have a wedding ceremony (since you won't accept the fact that you are legally married) then she can pay for that out of her money. 

I really don't understand why you feel the need to treat her like a child & control how she spends her money. She is not your ex-wife, stop punishing her for something your ex did. Seriously, what makes you think you have the right to control her finances? If you aren't married, her income isn't yours to spend! Isn't it better to know that she's with you because she loves you & not because she can't afford to leave since you took all her money???


----------



## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

marriedornot said:


> I make 300k a year but I have a ton to pay in mortgage and taxes alone...


If you're making $300k a year and you are buried under debt, manage your money better. Sell that house, pay off your debts, and start over.

The rest of your story makes no sense to me, and I'm having a hard time believing it.


----------



## sixty-eight (Oct 2, 2015)

hotshotdot said:


> . If she wants to go ahead & have a wedding ceremony (since you won't accept the fact that you are legally married) then she can pay for that out of her money.


all of your advice was great, except for this ^

and only because she just wants to tell people that they are already married. He maintains that they are not married, and wants to have a ceremony. She is fine with that, but wants the ceremony before New Years. He says that's too soon because of money.


----------



## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

norajane said:


> If you're making $300k a year and you are buried under debt, manage your money better. Sell that house, pay off your debts, and start over.
> 
> The rest of your story makes no sense to me, and I'm having a hard time believing it.


Yes. The numbers thrown around on this story hurt my brain. This has to be a troll.


----------



## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

Wearing a wedding ring does NOT make you legally married any more than NOT wearing one makes you 'single'. 

Saying vows in front of friends and family does not make you any more married than NOT saying them makes you UN-married. 

Not telling friends and family that you're married does NOT make you UN married.

What makes you legally married is SIGNING A MARRIAGE LICENSE...which you HAD to do in order to present it to the insurance company. 

You can not hold yourself out to be married to SOME people and NOT married to other folks. 

Dude, you *are* legally married. The laws in all 50 states and a number of other countries would recognize yours as a legal marriage. 

Wanna know something scary? Your wife probably already knows this. If she wanted to, she could probably leave you right now and take a good chunk of your assets. She's not an idiot. 

But instead, she wants a formal marriage ceremony with you. She TOLD you she wanted to be married BEFORE she moved in with you. You 'convinced' her to move in with you without formulating any plan or timeframe to marry her. For all she knows, you never had ANY intention of having a formal ceremony...or to get married PERIOD. The fact that you keep telling HER that you're "not married" speaks VOLUMES about your character. Plus, you seem to expect her to trust YOU (that you'll marry her 'someday'), yet you have no trust in HER (you keep saying that you think she just wants you for your money). Yet, you are still WITH this woman. WHY? 

Because you think that if you can CONTROL her and CONTROL her money, that you will feel 'safe'. Sorry pal, but if you really believe that she's after your money, you shouldn't be with her at all...

If I was her, I would NOT be depositing my check into YOUR bank account any more. And when and IF you DO decide to go through with a ceremony, I would make sure that you open a JOINT bank account BEFORE that day. 

There is so much wrong with your thinking about this. You DO have a lot of issues that you need to resolve BEFORE you continue with this relationship. But, you don't want to see it.


----------



## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

marriedornot said:


> Why isn't her check coming? Something is wrong.


Thank gawd! Something sane in this insane thread!

She is rerouting her paychecks...yay!

She is getting ready to leave you...double yay!

Say buh bye to your problems with her. She won't be with you much longer. 

She Rocks!!!

Bibi


----------



## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I'm absolutely friggin' speechless at this thread. Holy cow!!

- She does NOT owe you A SINGLE DAMN DIME for YOUR CHOICE to visit her while you were dating. That you would even bring this up is highly offensive.

- She should not pay for her engagement ring.

- She has a right to her own bank account if she wants it. 

- You do not get to decide whether or not she spends money on HER DAUGHTER.

- She doesn't have to ask your permission to get her hair done, nails done or buy clothes or anything else when she is contributing 90K a year to YOUR bank account. She's more than covering her share of expenses.

Final fact - you sir are a first class jack ar$e and I sincerely hope that she leaves your sorry ar$e before the sun sets today.


----------



## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

frusdil said:


> I'm absolutely friggin' speechless at this thread. Holy cow!!
> 
> - She does NOT owe you A SINGLE DAMN DIME for YOUR CHOICE to visit her while you were dating. That you would even bring this up is highly offensive.
> 
> ...


Yes to all of this!!!!!!


----------

