# Guilt!



## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

So I hired an attorney. I don't know my H anymore, haven't for a long time. See, I don't know what he's capable of and me leaving (after months of telling/asking for a separation), I just want to protect myself and my son. I don't know if we can work things out...dropped my son off today and he said, "you can move back in" "its lonely here without u guys" "I love you and I know u don't believe me"...no, I don't! He refused to leave, talk, agree to do whatever it took to work this out.

So....when he's served papers, he will be livid! Do I tell him before hand? I'm struggling with this...I don't like to keep secrets and has been the only one talking. Its not divorce papers, we have to be separated for a year. Its bascially a "separation agreement" for visitation etc....

What do I do????
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

Anyone?!?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

go about your life...be strong...if this is what you need, what you want, then go forth strong...


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

papers from a solicitor is what I am waiting for (and dreading), see my own solicitor in a week, just for advice.



> Its not divorce papers, we have to be separated for a year. Its bascially a "separation agreement" for visitation etc....


Are they conditions that have to be agreed upon, or is he being told he has to do 'this, that and the other thing' ?


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

My attorney said that we could meet and come up w/terms we both agree upon. If not, if we go to a hearing that will be set and a judge will decide for us. I've been asking him what he wants to do (about spending time with our son) and he hasn't answered me or says he doesn't know what to do. When I originally asked to separate, I was clear I wasn't trying to take his home or his child away from him...I'm still not. Our biggest problem is communication (I try, he doesn't talk) so I need some rules we both follow and are clear on. If we work things out fine, but if we don't, then we as adults needs to make the decisions, not leave my 9 year old making them. I've told him he wouldn't hurt my feelings if he wanted to spend time with his Dad in hopes he can enjoy his time without guilt....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

JustAGirl said:


> My attorney said that we could meet and come up w/terms we both agree upon. If not, if we go to a hearing that will be set and a judge will decide for us. I've been asking him what he wants to do (about spending time with our son) and he hasn't answered me or says he doesn't know what to do. *When I originally asked to separate,* I was clear I wasn't trying to take his home or his child away from him...I'm still not. Our biggest problem is communication (I try, he doesn't talk) so I need some rules we both follow and are clear on. If we work things out fine, but if we don't, then we as adults needs to make the decisions, not leave my 9 year old making them. I've told him he wouldn't hurt my feelings if he wanted to spend time with his Dad in hopes he can enjoy his time without guilt....
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


probably clear as mud, to him, maybe put it in a letter and send it to him, be very clear, very precise, short sentences (men, in general, do not notice subtle hints, thats why most of us are where we are today


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Sounds like he's either depressed or just plain clueless.

Are you sure he'll be "livid" about getting the separation papers? It doesn't sound like anything else has gotten much of an emotional response.


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## Why Not Be Happy? (Apr 16, 2010)

Hi Just A Girl:

What do you want? Tell him. That may get him to talk; if not you will have atleast said what you want. Also, what does your son want (not that he should control things bit it is nice to know what he is thinking).
Good luck.


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

Crankshaw said:


> probably clear as mud, to him, maybe put it in a letter and send it to him, be very clear, very precise, short sentences (men, in general, do not notice subtle hints, thats why most of us are where we are today



You know, I think you're on to something Crank!
Men are more general than women, but seriously.....

I want to spend more time together
I want to do more as a family
Sex is important to me, I wanna have it
I want us to talk more

Are these not simple? For the life of me...I don't know what else to do but pull out a "**** and Jane" book and use that as a guide LOL


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

Crankshaw said:


> probably clear as mud, to him, maybe put it in a letter and send it to him, be very clear, very precise, short sentences (men, in general, do not notice subtle hints, thats why most of us are where we are today





nice777guy said:


> Sounds like he's either depressed or just plain clueless.
> 
> Are you sure he'll be "livid" about getting the separation papers? It doesn't sound like anything else has gotten much of an emotional response.


I think anytime someone is served papers it would make u mad. I tried putting myself in his shoes and it made me mad.

Well...he can't be depressed, he doesn't believe in depression! (haha?)

And you're right....
Nothing has gotten his attention so far, he's losing me and I told him his pride would do that.


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

Why Not Be Happy? said:


> Hi Just A Girl:
> 
> What do you want? Tell him. That may get him to talk; if not you will have atleast said what you want. Also, what does your son want (not that he should control things bit it is nice to know what he is thinking).
> Good luck.


We have talked a little this past weekend. Something happened in his family that kind of opened the door. His youngest sister is having an affair w/a man she met on-line. She's been married for 10 years and her husband is great. She also thinks she could be pregnant (wow). I told him, everyone looked at us and thought we were happy. You just never know what goes on behind closed doors and what's really going on in someone's relationship.

Anyway, I've called the attorney and asked her to hold off for the moment. She still has my money and wasn't even in the office Thursday or Friday, so she can't be too far into it.

I want to meet with her again, see if he and I come up with an agreement, if we can't move on from there. I don't like the feeling of being sneaky....it's just not in my nature. I'm an open book and HATE to hide things....it eats me up inside.

Oh, and I told him what I wanted....we're working on talking more.


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## mentallydrained (Oct 7, 2010)

JustAGirl said:


> You know, I think you're on to something Crank!
> Men are more general than women, but seriously.....
> 
> I want to spend more time together
> ...


I agree about the letter. Only becasue H found many of my post here and said to me "I know you have said these things to me before but reading them (and the replies) wow it was like I got hit by a truck!" HOWEVER, now things are so fake and very unlike him that it's driving me nuts and farther into this funk of feeling I have no alternatives or choices.

So...I'd go with letter and I praise you on finding strength to find your happiness.


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

JustAGirl said:


> You know, I think you're on to something Crank!
> Men are more general than women, but seriously.....
> 
> I want to spend more time together
> ...


Ok, I didn't know the D word when referring to a children's book would be ****'d LOL Anyone remember those books? "See Jane run" I guess we can't talk about _*him*_ lol


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

My understanding - in my state - about "divorce" papers is that you can serve them yourself, but they encourage you to have an attorney or a sheriff do it in order to have proof of delivery.

If YOU deliver, then I think you need to obtain a signature or some sort of proofe.

Is it an option for you to deliver these papers yourself? Might take a bit of the sting off of things, yet he would still know that you are serious.

Maybe this will wake him up...?


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

emotionalwreck said:


> I agree about the letter. Only becasue H found many of my post here and said to me "I know you have said these things to me before but reading them (and the replies) wow it was like I got hit by a truck!" HOWEVER, now things are so fake and very unlike him that it's driving me nuts and farther into this funk of feeling I have no alternatives or choices.
> 
> So...I'd go with letter and I praise you on finding strength to find your happiness.


Thanks!

I have been both happy and unhappy during all this...
What I have found is that being honest with myself and with him has brought me much peace.

Of course after talking yesterday, he wants me to come home, he wants to work this out, still doesn't think therapy will help b/c those people just tell you what you want to hear and they just learned it from a book. He said that if we divorce, he won't do this again...he loves me and my family and he doesn't want to get to know another family...

All this sounds great? Right? I've been gone for a week, it took me leaving for him to even talk. But talking isn't going to work. Actions speak louder than words. I have to be happy and he has MAJOR work to do....Because after all this time, I've put up a wall, something I've never done with anyone else in my life.
He's hurt me to my core and I don't even know if I love him.


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

nice777guy said:


> My understanding - in my state - about "divorce" papers is that you can serve them yourself, but they encourage you to have an attorney or a sheriff do it in order to have proof of delivery.
> 
> If YOU deliver, then I think you need to obtain a signature or some sort of proofe.
> 
> ...


That's a great idea!
I've called my attorney to meet next week.
She wasn't in the office Thursday or Friday, so she hasn't even started on my papers yet.
I want to ask some questions, she rushed me the first time. I wasn't thinking clearly and was very upset. 
I think instead of rushing into something I don't understand, I'm going to be more educated and maybe ask if I can give them to him.....Great advice!! Thank you!


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## Why Not Be Happy? (Apr 16, 2010)

so, do you want to get divorced or do you want the things you said you do? or are you unsure? it is okay to be unsure... you seem to be conflicted based on two of your postings ie: I want.....
and then another saying you are unsure about your love for him and that you have a "wall" up. if he won't go to counseling with you---will you go without him? just trying to put some ideas out there. I understand your frustration and think you are doing a smart thing by thinking through your options. don't forget to take care of you.


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

Why Not Be Happy? said:


> so, do you want to get divorced or do you want the things you said you do? or are you unsure? it is okay to be unsure... you seem to be conflicted based on two of your postings ie: I want.....
> and then another saying you are unsure about your love for him and that you have a "wall" up. if he won't go to counseling with you---will you go without him? just trying to put some ideas out there. I understand your frustration and think you are doing a smart thing by thinking through your options. don't forget to take care of you.


Thank you!
I've been in counseling for 3 months now....still going.
I try to take care of me, but it's hard. For so long, I've taken such good care of everyone else, I forgot about me.
I am confused....and don't want to make a hasty decision even though I've been unhappy for years, and just get a divorce.
That's why I told him I wanted to separate.
If I can get thru these first really hard weeks, settle into a new life and take care of me and my son...maybe I can become clearer about what I'm actually feeling instead of worrying about his all the time.


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## Why Not Be Happy? (Apr 16, 2010)

sounds smart and reasonable.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Justagirl,

You're right, actions do speak louder than words. But remember that the right actions need reinforcement by you as well. I hope he gets his two by four moment and realizes what he may lose and seeks the guidance of books, therapy, etc.

My take on counseling is that if both parties aren't into it, it won't work no matter what. My ex w wasn't at that point and it just didn't work. She too built up a wall and then never let me penetrate it, even with the right actions. So be careful, because over time if positive reinforcement doesn't come back to him from you, his own wall of resentment will grow.

I suggest a couple of books:

The Five Love Languages (for him and you) by Dr. Gary Chapman
Being the Strong Man a Woman Wants by Elliott Katz for him.

Good luck.


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

Feelingalone said:


> Justagirl,
> 
> You're right, actions do speak louder than words. But remember that the right actions need reinforcement by you as well. I hope he gets his two by four moment and realizes what he may lose and seeks the guidance of books, therapy, etc.
> 
> ...


Thanks so much for your input.

I have read The Five Love Languages and let me tell you....
bells and whistles went off! Makes sense why I've felt un-loved! He was loving me in HIS language....while I was loving him in his, he never realized (I guess) that what little he did give me was enough to keep me going. Then that little became nothing, and my tank has been empty for YEARS!

I plan to buy him a copy (b/c I totally highlighted stuff in the other copy) and ask him to read it....but he probably won't. I've got a seriously hard-headed man on my hands....

He really should come to this site, BUT....it's just another site that ppl are telling you what to do and feel and blah blah blah lol


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## remmons (Dec 20, 2010)

My wife and I are currently going through a separation. My wife essentially feels the same as you do. Communication was probably our (my) biggest weakness. It took me going through this separation to finally "wake up" to what was going on, and that it was possibly too late to fix. I went through one heck of a wake up call in order to finally realize what was going on. Hopefully, it is not too late. I WANT to make my marriage work. My wife is currently undecided, but she has not filed for divorce as of yet, so to me, no news is good news.

Sometimes us guys just need to have it spelled out to us. We are not born with the gift of "subtle communication skills. We are direct, to the point. I need it put to me short, sweet and simple. Too much information is an information overload. Like this authors (Michele Weiner-Davis) publisher had put it, "Less is more". It is from this book. Divorce Busting® - Books on Marriage Problems - Book Sample: Divorce Remedy

I don't know how else to put the following. If your H is ready, he will take the necessary steps to reconcile. But if he isn't ready, or isn't fully aware of the situation, then nothing will work, short of papers being served. But trust me, papers being served will be just another shot of salt rubbed into the open wound. He will already be vulnerable, so another attack on him will put him further into the defense mode.

I also was a hard-headed man. If I can crack, then any man can. He will come around on his own time, in a manner which he can understand. Once he recognizes this, he will begin to understand and realize what is going on, and begin the repairing process.

What all this boils down to is this, do you WANT to save your marriage?
Does he want to save this marriage?
If the answer is "yes" to both then you two will do what it takes to reconcile and make it work.

If not, I will be sad to hear this.


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

Thanks remmons....

Right now, I don't know how I feel except for relief, sadness, loneliness, some happiness etc....
The problem with answering if HE wants to save the marriage is, his words and actions aren't the same. If you were to ask him, he'd say yes....but he won't DO anything about it.

So, here I am holding onto this ride and praying that when it stops, I'll be ok.


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## remmons (Dec 20, 2010)

> Feelingalone
> 
> I suggest a couple of books:
> 
> ...


Not to hijack this thread, but I feel that I could benefit by reading these also. I think that I am going to the library to look for these books.




JustAGirl said:


> Thanks remmons....
> 
> Right now, I don't know how I feel except for relief, sadness, loneliness, some happiness etc....
> The problem with answering if HE wants to save the marriage is, his words and actions aren't the same. If you were to ask him, he'd say yes....but he won't DO anything about it.
> ...


Hopefully I can share some insight from a guy's point of view. I wasn't necessarily a bad buy, but I could have been a better person too. I have taken the necessary steps to better myself, now I have to wait for her when she is ready.


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

Please do read those...
Well, I've read the first one and I'm telling you...very eye opening!

My H isn't a bad guy either....at all.
But neglect is hurtful and after years of that, I've put up a wall.
I wish it were easy to just get back all the feelings (good ones) but it's not. I still hold resentment and feel bitter....but currently working it out w/my therapist. I really wish he'd go....but continues to say that these people (therapist) learned things from books and only tell you what you want to hear....
I guess he's smarter than millions of people who find it helpful.

*sigh*


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Hey I once thought that way about therapy etc. Then I went to marriage counseling. I was open to it, my ex wasn't. I learned. She didn't. So there is hope he will see that some day too.


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

Feelingalone said:


> Hey I once thought that way about therapy etc. Then I went to marriage counseling. I was open to it, my ex wasn't. I learned. She didn't. So there is hope he will see that some day too.



Wanna bet on that? lol


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## remmons (Dec 20, 2010)

JustAGirl said:


> Please do read those...
> Well, I've read the first one and I'm telling you...very eye opening!
> 
> My H isn't a bad guy either....at all.
> ...


My wife is basically saying the same thing as you are. I had no idea that I was neglecting my wife, I thought that I was respectful, loving, very outgoing, open, and caring towards my wife. I guess that I did not give enough of myself. When she wanted company, I gave it to her. When she wanted to be alone, I left her alone. How was I to know that she was sending mixed signals?

Her therapist is working on her to open up, but she has fortified herself to the point where it seems as though nothing will get through her walls. Her therapist also does not have her full history, in which I feel that if she did, then she would better understand my wife and know what path to take.

I feel that I can read all the books in the world regarding repairing a relationship, but if only one party (me and not her) is reading them, then it is almost useless. At least I will (hopefully) gain the knowledge from the reading. A thought just came to me. I will read these books, improve on myself, and just maybe she will see that I have changed and that I do mean well. Only time will tell......


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

How much?


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

remmons said:


> My wife is basically saying the same thing as you are. I had no idea that I was neglecting my wife, I thought that I was respectful, loving, very outgoing, open, and caring towards my wife. I guess that I did not give enough of myself. When she wanted company, I gave it to her. When she wanted to be alone, I left her alone. How was I to know that she was sending mixed signals?
> 
> Her therapist is working on her to open up, but she has fortified herself to the point where it seems as though nothing will get through her walls. Her therapist also does not have her full history, in which I feel that if she did, then she would better understand my wife and know what path to take.
> 
> I feel that I can read all the books in the world regarding repairing a relationship, but if only one party (me and not her) is reading them, then it is almost useless. At least I will (hopefully) gain the knowledge from the reading. A thought just came to me. I will read these books, improve on myself, and just maybe she will see that I have changed and that I do mean well. Only time will tell......


Well I'm the one who was neglected, I'm the only one in therapy (and have in the past tried working on our relationship), I'm the one who has tried talking (and yes, I told him what I needed - but ignored it myself until I finally had enough - three years ago) I'm the only one reading books....so until he does something, ANYTHING....we will stay right where we are.

I'm done doing all the work....

I hope that you guys can work this out. I hate to hear of this happening to anyone who wants to stay together. But until you BOTH are on board, guess you'll be right here w/the rest of us in limbo.


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

Feelingalone said:


> How much?


Virtual dollar? lol


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

In that case, I'm in. Love the Palmetto state.


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

Feelingalone said:


> In that case, I'm in. Love the Palmetto state.


Ok....good!
*BET IT ON!*
Now what's the rules? We need rules lol

I love the Palmetto State as well....
Greenville/Spartanburg isn't that big but I'm about 30 mins from the mountains, or 45 mins from NC...OR my fav...3 hours from Charleston...great place to live! :smthumbup:


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## remmons (Dec 20, 2010)

JustAGirl said:


> Well I'm the one who was neglected, I'm the only one in therapy (and have in the past tried working on our relationship), I'm the one who has tried talking (and yes, I told him what I needed - but ignored it myself until I finally had enough - three years ago) I'm the only one reading books....so until he does something, ANYTHING....we will stay right where we are.
> 
> I'm done doing all the work....
> 
> I hope that you guys can work this out. I hate to hear of this happening to anyone who wants to stay together. But until you BOTH are on board, guess you'll be right here w/the rest of us in limbo.


I had no idea that I was (if I was) neglecting my wife, she had never told me. I felt, based on our relationship, that everything was o.k. I am sure that communication may have been lacking. I had tried talking, but she was not ready to open up. We cannot iron out any problems if communication is only one sided. I have since learned to back off and give her the time and space that she wanted. (Hopefully this does not send another mixed signal).

I have been seeing not one, but two therapists on a regular basis. One therapist is covered by the Church, the other covered by my insurance. I was seeing both therapists once every week, but due to the progress I have made, my meetings with both are now once every month. My wife is still seeing her therapist weekly. I have been told by a member of the Church that she still needs some work, and time.

I am sure that in the past that my wife tried working on our relationship, but if the hints are so subtle, then I will not pick up on them. I am a guy, I need things said to me short, simple, and to the point (I am afraid that this is an inherent trait for some men maybe....) Some guys are cursed from the beginning of not knowing, or understanding, what a lady wants....until it is too late. Hopefully with the knowledge that I have gained, I will more easily recognize the wants and the needs of my wife.

I hope and pray that the two of you can work things out as well. Hopefully he will recognize what is going on before it is too late.


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

remmons said:


> I had no idea that I was (if I was) neglecting my wife, she had never told me. I felt, based on our relationship, that everything was o.k. I am sure that communication may have been lacking. I had tried talking, but she was not ready to open up. We cannot iron out any problems if communication is only one sided. I have since learned to back off and give her the time and space that she wanted. (Hopefully this does not send another mixed signal).
> 
> I have been seeing not one, but two therapists on a regular basis. One therapist is covered by the Church, the other covered by my insurance. I was seeing both therapists once every week, but due to the progress I have made, my meetings with both are now once every month. My wife is still seeing her therapist weekly. I have been told by a member of the Church that she still needs some work, and time.
> 
> ...


Well idk remmons, wanna join in on our bet?? lol

I don't know about your wife, but I told my husband very specific things and he still chose to ignore it and not make me or my needs a priority...


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

To: Justagirl,

I'll have to think on rules. So your betting that you H will wake up, right? Oh, that's me, right. 

Yes Charleston is a beautiful place, haven't been in years. Been going to HHI. I'll be there again this July. And I'm just north on I-85 in the Queen City.

I can feel your resentment towards your H. What are your issues with him, specifically? I'd at least buy him the Elliot Katz book. It is a short book not written as do this, do that, but told as a story of a grandfather passing on the wisdom he has learned about relationships to his grandson on a day hike.

To Remmons:

All you can do now is to work on you. Sit back and really think about who you want to be. The Elliot Katz book you'd probably like. You might like Hold Onto Your N.U.T.S by Levine as well. 

And remember, improvement is a journey not a race.


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

Feelingalone said:


> To: Justagirl,
> 
> I'll have to think on rules. So your betting that you H will wake up, right? Oh, that's me, right.
> 
> ...





> Hey I once thought that way about therapy etc. Then I went to marriage counseling. I was open to it, my ex wasn't. I learned. She didn't. So there is hope he will see that some day too.


 I think the bet is more about him going to MC....right?? lol



> Yes Charleston is a beautiful place, haven't been in years. Been going to HHI. I'll be there again this July. And I'm just north on I-85 in the Queen City.


Well, I just love the coast, as long as I'm at the beach it doesn't matter much to me! I went last year in July, my son's birthday is on the 17th and a riptide took us out the next day...very scary! I was taken out w/my son and two other children, I thought it was over....



> I can feel your resentment towards your H. What are your issues with him, specifically? I'd at least buy him the Elliot Katz book. It is a short book not written as do this, do that, but told as a story of a grandfather passing on the wisdom he has learned about relationships to his grandson on a day hike.


Resentment? Really? You can feel it? lol kidding
*sigh* where do I start?
We don't communicate
I try, he gets mad and defensive
*We don't spend any time together*
*We don't have sex*
We don't kiss
We don't talk
We don't laugh
We don't hold hands
We don't eat together
He watches tv
I play w/our son
ETC ETC
After three years of trying, on my end....
Three months of asking for a separation (he ignores me)
I had enough and moved out....

The stress, resentment and bitterness was just too much to live in when you're the only one who seems to care about trying to make it better. He won't go to therapy and it will probably take an act of congress to get him to read any book unless it's Rush Limbaugh or Bill O'Reilly lol



> To Remmons:
> 
> All you can do now is to work on you. Sit back and really think about who you want to be. The Elliot Katz book you'd probably like. You might like Hold Onto Your N.U.T.S by Levine as well.
> 
> And remember, improvement is a journey not a race.


I agree with you on this!


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Are you sure we aren't married. LOL

How old is he?


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## remmons (Dec 20, 2010)

JustAGirl said:


> Well idk remmons, wanna join in on our bet?? lol
> 
> I don't know about your wife, but I told my husband very specific things and he still chose to ignore it and not make me or my needs a priority...


I'll have to pass on the bet, but thank you for the offer.

I do not want to deny that my wife had "probably" told me specific things of what she wanted, but I honestly cannot remember them. Maybe I need to take up the habit of keeping a journal. LOL



> To Remmons:
> 
> All you can do now is to work on you. Sit back and really think about who you want to be. The Elliot Katz book you'd probably like. You might like Hold Onto Your N.U.T.S by Levine as well.
> 
> And remember, improvement is a journey not a race.


:iagree:You are so right. It is not a race. I do not intend this to be. I know that she has other issues to deal with that predates my marriage to her, so I do understand that it will take her a longer time to heal and overcome her challenges. 

I will look for the Elliot Katz book that you have suggested.

My wife wanted me to be at a place where I was not comfortable at the time, and that was to become a member of her Church. I finally started to understand things and made the steps to become a member, but I am afraid that I may have started this a little too late. Since my wife's EA with another guy, I have jump started my progress. I have made the decision to continue on my path and to keep meeting the challenges that are set forth upon me.



> We don't communicate
> I try, he gets mad and defensive
> We don't spend any time together
> We don't have sex
> ...


I read your list, and I can honestly say that both my wife and I have done all of them, with the exception have a successful communication. I will admit this, there were times where she did try to communicate with me, but she did it in a resentful way, to where I did blow up, BUT only after being backed into a corner where I could not get out. I did not have the skill to communicate to her when I needed time to process these words and thoughts.

My father-in-law had told me (after our separation) that my wife always had to have things HER way, ever since she was a young girl. I have had her brothers and sisters tell me similar stories as well, they and I have become closer since the separation.


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

Feelingalone said:


> Are you sure we aren't married. LOL
> 
> How old is he?



:slap: 

he's 46
HOW OLD ARE YOU?!?! LOL


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

remmons said:


> I'll have to pass on the bet, but thank you for the offer.
> 
> I do not want to deny that my wife had "probably" told me specific things of what she wanted, but I honestly cannot remember them. Maybe I need to take up the habit of keeping a journal. LOL
> 
> ...


Sounds like you are really trying...
Just be open minded, that's one thing my H is not...at all!

And he's ALWAYS had it his way, guess it took me nearly 20 years to realize maybe I need it my way too!

Is my list hard for any of you men to do?
Am I asking too much?


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Thank goodness I'm not that old. LOL 

Sounds as though in some ways he is stuck in a major rut. Could be that whole passed 40 and getting closer to 50 thing. You might be surprised how that affects some guys.

Are these issues recent in the last few years?

How old is your son?


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

Feelingalone said:


> Thank goodness I'm not that old. LOL
> 
> Sounds as though in some ways he is stuck in a major rut. Could be that whole passed 40 and getting closer to 50 thing. You might be surprised how that affects some guys.
> 
> ...


He's stuck in a "I just give up" rut! GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
And he's one of these, "I don't believe it depression, it's just an excuse" so if he was feeling the "OMG I'm getting old", he would never admit to it or talk to me or anyone else about it!

These issues have progessively gotten worse over, I'd say the past 10 years....unbearable for me for 3!

My son is 9, 10 in July....
He's a trooper and said, the day I moved out and told him, "I knew this day was coming"....bless him.


----------



## Why Not Be Happy? (Apr 16, 2010)

watch it----I'm 46. 
And no JAG, your list isn't hard-----sounds pretty normal and fun!
When did things start to get worse-----anything you can remember that really made a change?


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## Why Not Be Happy? (Apr 16, 2010)

we were probably typing at the same time------sounds like a long process of decline.


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

Why Not Be Happy? said:


> watch it----I'm 46.
> And no JAG, your list isn't hard-----sounds pretty normal and fun!
> When did things start to get worse-----anything you can remember that really made a change?


LOL! I didn't say 46 was old LOL That's all on FA  j/k

Yeah...I guess it has been a long process of decline...
I wish I could have stopped it....but atleast now I've changed it.


----------



## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

You guys are having fun on this thread! I may join in


----------



## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Join in NRTQ, everyone needs to have fun. Why Not -- yes I said it but you are right it isn't nice to disrespect your elders so I apologize ---- LOL!

I agree that your list is normal and not overly burdensome. But alas his wrongful pride keeps him from reaching out to others. He's a man's man --- I don't need no stinking help, I'm a man. Yup pride.

I thought like that once too. Be strong, bear the burden, don't reach out. How wrong that was and is in a relationship. I suspect something is eating at his insides but his pride keeps him from doing anything about it. In the meantime he is destroying his marriage one agonizingly slow step at a time.

For that I'm truly sorry for ya JAG.

I've learned that being a real man actually means reaching out to others when in need, especially to other men. You have to put that pride aside.


----------



## Why Not Be Happy? (Apr 16, 2010)

so, JAG.....assuming not much changes (sounds like you expect very little)....what's next? do you have a plan?


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## Why Not Be Happy? (Apr 16, 2010)

when did you last speak to him and what did he say?


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

Hey FA, can I give you my ex H phone number so you can tell him that? LOL.

I don't care whether a man can lift 300lb and be a manly man, but I do care if he is capable to speak of his feelings. In my eyes that does not make him any less of a man, it make him human


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## remmons (Dec 20, 2010)

JustAGirl said:


> Sounds like you are really trying...
> Just be open minded, that's one thing my H is not...at all!
> 
> And he's ALWAYS had it his way, guess it took me nearly 20 years to realize maybe I need it my way too!
> ...


I am trying my best. I was possibly trying too hard in the beginning, but I have since developed a more regular speed to keep things at a more even balance. I have kept an open mind, that is what I feel has helped me out so much. And I am no longer afraid to take the next step, whether it be a calling in the Church, a counseling session, or reading a book (which I haven't read a book in years before December). 




The list is very acceptable. Looks like that I will have to take some notes and learn from it.



Since we are on the subject of age, I will be 45 in May. My wife turned 37 in last October.


----------



## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

notreadytoquit said:


> You guys are having fun on this thread! I may join in


Sure! The more the merrier!! 

And I agree....
Pride is a terrible thing to lose your family over....
My H knows me...I want to be told straight what you're thinking...I can handle it better than anything else!

Please guys...talk to your women!


----------



## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

Feelingalone said:


> Join in NRTQ, everyone needs to have fun. Why Not -- yes I said it but you are right it isn't nice to disrespect your elders so I apologize ---- LOL!
> 
> I agree that your list is normal and not overly burdensome. But alas his wrongful pride keeps him from reaching out to others. He's a man's man --- I don't need no stinking help, I'm a man. Yup pride.
> 
> ...


So NOW you're ready for a relationship!
Bet you won't make the same mistakes twice.
And I'm sorry things didn't work out for you and your ex...
But the next lucky lady that comes along will benefit from the past mistakes....isn't that something?


----------



## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

Why Not Be Happy? said:


> so, JAG.....assuming not much changes (sounds like you expect very little)....what's next? do you have a plan?


Well, I signed a 6 month lease where I am....
I am simply taking every single day, one day at a time.
I have an attorney on board, so if things don't change, I will proceed with a divorce and move on.

I just want my "happy" back!


----------



## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

Funny thing my now ex h is in sales and he never has a problem talking to clients, co workers directly except to me(he claims he has talked to me). Few years ago he had to deal with a coworker who had and affair with the CEOs secretary. He was even saying then: "How can he do that". Well, well not even 3 years later guess what he did? He is 43, I am 37 and his wh*** is 49.

So guys if you are thinking of having an affair and midlife crisis please go and buy a car(any car). I'd rather be paying off a car loan than pay for a divorce.


----------



## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

No not the same mistakes, I'll make different ones you can count on it. LOL

That is the irony of all of this isn't it. My ex said "it took this for to you to wake up." meaning filing for divorce and then proceeded to keep her heart walled up even while acknowledging my changes. She refused to look at herself though and her issues. And believe me she has issues too. So all the work I did for her, someone else will benefit from -- irony.

Oh well she ain't my issue anymore. But out of all this mess I got the greatest gift of all --- my son. Right now that is the only relationship I truly care about.

NRTQ: By the way we won Tuesday night 9 - 3.


I'm looking for a lucky lady. Are you out there? Anyone? Anyone? Buehler? Buehler?


----------



## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

notreadytoquit said:


> Hey FA, can I give you my ex H phone number so you can tell him that? LOL.
> 
> I don't care whether a man can lift 300lb and be a manly man, but I do care if he is capable to speak of his feelings. In my eyes that does not make him any less of a man, it make him human


What if a man can bench 300lbs WHILE watching Steel Magnolias and crying?


----------



## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

nice777guy said:


> What if a man can bench 300lbs WHILE watching Steel Magnolias and crying?


He'll pass my test.

I almost feel that in my next relationship I should schedule weekly meetings to talk about what we like/don't like in our relationship.


----------



## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

Feelingalone said:


> No not the same mistakes, I'll make different ones you can count on it. LOL
> 
> That is the irony of all of this isn't it. My ex said "it took this for to you to wake up." meaning filing for divorce and then proceeded to keep her heart walled up even while acknowledging my changes. She refused to look at herself though and her issues. And believe me she has issues too. So all the work I did for her, someone else will benefit from -- irony.
> 
> ...


9-3? Wow you have a Ronaldo playing on your team or what?That almost starts to look like American football score(I still don't get the sport after 15 years in North America)


----------



## remmons (Dec 20, 2010)

> notreadytoquit
> 
> So guys if you are thinking of having an affair and midlife crisis please go and buy a car(any car). I'd rather be paying off a car loan than pay for a divorce.


I bought an old, run-down Jeep. Does that count?

Anyway, it wasn't me that had the EA. Taking into account everything that my wife was going through, PTSD from the military when she was 18, two abusive previous marriages, depression, the economy, midlife crisis, her roller coaster ride of emotions, I have a lot going against me. But I STILL maintained a faithful marriage to her.




> Feelingalone
> 
> Oh well she ain't my issue anymore. But out of all this mess I got the greatest gift of all --- my son. Right now that is the only relationship I truly care about.


I wish that I could say this about my wife. I am still clinging on to hope. But I have to agree on one thing for sure, my 4 Yo daughter is the light of my life right now. She is my little princess. She is one of my greatest gifts. She is more important than anyone else right now, except for me, which I will do her no good if I am not taking good care of myself.


----------



## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

notreadytoquit said:


> Funny thing my now ex h is in sales and he never has a problem talking to clients, co workers directly except to me(he claims he has talked to me). Few years ago he had to deal with a coworker who had and affair with the CEOs secretary. He was even saying then: "How can he do that". Well, well not even 3 years later guess what he did? He is 43, I am 37 and his wh*** is 49.
> 
> So guys if you are thinking of having an affair and midlife crisis please go and buy a car(any car). I'd rather be paying off a car loan than pay for a divorce.


:lol:I need a new car!


----------



## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

Feelingalone said:


> No not the same mistakes, I'll make different ones you can count on it. LOL
> 
> That is the irony of all of this isn't it. My ex said "it took this for to you to wake up." meaning filing for divorce and then proceeded to keep her heart walled up even while acknowledging my changes. She refused to look at herself though and her issues. And believe me she has issues too. So all the work I did for her, someone else will benefit from -- irony.
> 
> ...


I agree about children...my son is my sunshine...and I don't know what I would do without his smile....


And somehow I knew you boys would throw in some sports in here, I have three older brothers so it's all good!
Congrats!


----------



## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

nice777guy said:


> What if a man can bench 300lbs WHILE watching Steel Magnolias and crying?


HE'S A KEEPER!!!

Wait...will he "talk" about it all though?


----------



## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

remmons said:


> I bought an old, run-down Jeep. Does that count?
> 
> Anyway, it wasn't me that had the EA. Taking into account everything that my wife was going through, PTSD from the military when she was 18, two abusive previous marriages, depression, the economy, midlife crisis, her roller coaster ride of emotions, I have a lot going against me. But I STILL maintained a faithful marriage to her.
> 
> ...


Bless your heart! ((((((HUGS))))))


----------



## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

To JAG,

Smiles are sunshine from my son too. There is a book you might like entitled Siddartha by Herman Hesse. It isn't a relationship book, but a book about the meaning of life. Not very long, but I found it eye-opening. Surprisingly it was written in the 20s I believe. It is a book that I will have my son read when he is in his later teens.



To NRTQ: No, no Ronaldo on the team. But we do have a Rooney.


----------



## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

Feelingalone said:


> To JAG,
> 
> Smiles are sunshine from my son too. There is a book you might like entitled Siddartha by Herman Hesse. It isn't a relationship book, but a book about the meaning of life. Not very long, but I found it eye-opening. Surprisingly it was written in the 20s I believe. It is a book that I will have my son read when he is in his later teens.
> 
> ...


Thanks for the recommendation...I'll check it out.
Lengths of books don't bother me, esp if they are good!
I read, "The Five Love Languages" in one sitting b/c I found it so eye opening!


----------



## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

I found it interesting and reflective. It's really about life. If you read it, remember it is all about the river.


----------



## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

JustAGirl said:


> HE'S A KEEPER!!!
> 
> Wait...will he "talk" about it all though?


Yes - he'll tell you why Steel Magnolias made him cry even more than Beaches or Terms of Endearment! How he wants to be a real man - like Patrick Swayze in Dirty Dancing!


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

nice777guy said:


> Yes - he'll tell you why Steel Magnolias made him cry even more than Beaches or Terms of Endearment! How he wants to be a real man - like Patrick Swayze in Dirty Dancing!


NOBODY PUTS BABY IN A CORNER!

*All good movies btw*
Sally Field makes me cry when she talks about Shelby and wanting to hit something....and then Olivia Ducacas (how ever you spell her dern name) says, "Here! Punch her Malin hit this!"

And I'd also like to clear up that not all us "Southerners" sound that way....but some are far worse lol


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

Feelingalone said:


> I found it interesting and reflective. It's really about life. If you read it, remember it is all about the river.


I like Rivers....lol


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

JustAGirl said:


> :lol:I need a new car!


 me too 

My daughter & sister have both told me I need to travel overseas, maybe when the house sells I'll go to the U.S, we can all have a meet 'n' greet (and bring the tissues!)


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## remmons (Dec 20, 2010)

JustAGirl said:


> Bless your heart! ((((((HUGS))))))


You are very thoughtful. Thank you.

I thought that I was weird or something when I cried on some movies, especially the ones where a miracle had happened or where a child had been reconnected with their parent.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Just to clear things up - I can not bench 300lbs - and I will usually leave the room if my wife turns on Steel Magnolias or Dirty Dancing.

I liked The Notebook...


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

nice777guy said:


> Just to clear things up - I can not bench 300lbs - and I will usually leave the room if my wife turns on Steel Magnolias or Dirty Dancing.
> 
> I liked The Notebook...


I also cannot bench 300lb, but I have yet to see a bag of groceries that come any where near that weight


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

Feelingalone said:


> To JAG,
> 
> Smiles are sunshine from my son too. There is a book you might like entitled Siddartha by Herman Hesse. It isn't a relationship book, but a book about the meaning of life. Not very long, but I found it eye-opening. Surprisingly it was written in the 20s I believe. It is a book that I will have my son read when he is in his later teens.
> 
> ...


Don't mention Wayne Rooney. He also cheated on his wife but woke up on time to save his marriage.


----------



## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

JAG,

Well some of us kind of hijacked your thread there, but we did throw in some humor and fun.

So what do you plan to do for yourself. Have you reflected of any issues which you might have? Cuz we all have our own issues we bring into the relationship which can be harmful. What have you discovered about yourself.

Tell us more, tell us more.............


NRTQ: Everyone is human, if I can forgive my ex, I can forgive Rooney too. I didn't say it makes any of it right, just human.


----------



## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

Crankshaw said:


> me too
> 
> My daughter & sister have both told me I need to travel overseas, maybe when the house sells I'll go to the U.S, we can all have a meet 'n' greet (and bring the tissues!)


That sounds like a plan...but we do have some big warehouse chains here, just so you can travel lighter....we'll pick up a case of tissues lol



> remmons
> You are very thoughtful. Thank you.
> 
> I thought that I was weird or something when I cried on some movies, especially the ones where a miracle had happened or where a child had been reconnected with their parent


You're welcome, sometimes we all need one. You're not weird for crying, someone telling boys when they are little that boys don't cry is probably why men don't know how to show emotion! Of I could be completely wrong LOL



> nice777guy
> Just to clear things up - I can not bench 300lbs - and I will usually leave the room if my wife turns on Steel Magnolias or Dirty Dancing.
> 
> I liked The Notebook...


The Notebook IS a great movie....
How about "Message in a Bottle"??? whew, that one makes me cry too!



> Crankshaw
> 
> I also cannot bench 300lb, but I have yet to see a bag of groceries that come any where near that weight


SO TRUE! But I don't think any of us women really care if their honeys can bench 300 lbs....as long as they can lift us!



> Feelingalone
> JAG,
> 
> Well some of us kind of hijacked your thread there, but we did throw in some humor and fun.
> ...


Oh, don't apologize about the thread! I love this...I love to laugh and you guys have definately made me feel better and laugh!

I guess I plan on being happy...I am most of the time, but I plan on making myself better, spending quality time with my son, having fun, living life without feeling bad for it. My H is a homebody and that's fine...but not all the time. I am very "fly by the seat of my pants"...grounded by life's responsibilites, but I still like to have fun....some of the best times my son and I have had together is get in the car and go explore. Hiking is fun too, anything together.

What I've discovered is that I am too "pleasing" and I need to take care of myself. I've learned that instead of saying, "I'm ok"...to say that I'm not and why. I put all the stress and burden on myself to keep anyone I love from having to feel it...that I must stop.


----------



## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Oh yes, the pit falls of "pleasing". Been there done that. For guys its called being Mr. Nice Guy syndrome. 

What makes you happy? 

Hiking can be great with your kid. Just the two of you out in the woods, climbing higher. Its about time to do it before the heat comes.


----------



## Why Not Be Happy? (Apr 16, 2010)

there's a good plan---take care of you, enjoy your son and take life as it comes a bit more.


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

Feelingalone said:


> Oh yes, the pit falls of "pleasing". Been there done that. For guys its called being Mr. Nice Guy syndrome.
> 
> What makes you happy?
> 
> Hiking can be great with your kid. Just the two of you out in the woods, climbing higher. Its about time to do it before the heat comes.


I guess the women's name for it is called "The Push Over Syndrome"? LOL Sorry....that was a joke

What makes me happy? Really? hmmmmmmm
God
My son
Family
Friends
Laughter
The Ocean
Music
The Sun
Kissing
Holding hands
Smiling beyond control
Staing into someone's eyes
Playing on a playground full of children
A child's laugh
Watching birds
Road trips
Windows down, music up and cruising
A good massage
A good make out session
Doing something for someone else who needs you
Dinner w/my high school girlfriends
A good compliment
to hear, "I love you and I miss you"
Anything outdoors and active
I could keep going, and that's not in order...but it's a start 



> Why Not Be Happy?
> there's a good plan---take care of you, enjoy your son and take life as it comes a bit more.


I'm trying...I've been SO stressed out lately leading up to this that it's taking me a few weeks, but I'm settling into some sort or normalcy now


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Never saw Message in a Bottle...but anyway...

"Be happy" is a great goal.

When our stuff hit the fan my first thought was "Save my marriage." But then I learned to focus on myself a bit more and realized I too just wanted to be happy. If that happiness included my wife and marriage, that would be great. Otherwise, I would just keep looking until I found something that worked.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Good list. Gosh I take it your number one love language is physical touch. 

You ever write that down and give it to your H? If not, maybe you should.


----------



## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

JustAGirl said:


> That sounds like a plan...but we do have some big warehouse chains here, just so you can travel lighter....we'll pick up a case of tissues lol


not a problem 



> SO TRUE! But I don't think any of us women really care if their honeys can bench 300 lbs....as long as they can lift us!






> What I've discovered is that I am too "pleasing" and I need to take care of myself. I've learned that instead of saying, "I'm ok"...to say that I'm not and why. I put all the stress and burden on myself to keep anyone I love from having to feel it...that I must stop.


pretty much the same here, my standard answer to 'are you OK' was 'just tired, thats all', BTW, I am stealing the above for notes on FB, ok


----------



## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

nice777guy said:


> Never saw Message in a Bottle...but anyway...
> 
> "Be happy" is a great goal.
> 
> When our stuff hit the fan my first thought was "Save my marriage." But then I learned to focus on myself a bit more and realized I too just wanted to be happy. If that happiness included my wife and marriage, that would be great. Otherwise, I would just keep looking until I found something that worked.


Message In a Bottle has Kevin Costner, Robin Wright Penn and Robert Redford in it...you and your wife might enjoy that together, definately a "chick flick" but it's good.

[/QUOTE]Feelingalone

Good list. Gosh I take it your number one love language is physical touch. 

You ever write that down and give it to your H? If not, maybe you should. 
[/QUOTE]

Yes, actually I'm bi-lingual "Physical Touch" and "Quality Time" are my two....which SHOULD make it super easy to love me. You can actually kill two birds w/one stone LOL

[/QUOTE]Crankshaw

pretty much the same here, my standard answer to 'are you OK' was 'just tired, thats all', BTW, I am stealing the above for notes on FB, ok [/QUOTE]

What are you stealing for FB?? lol I de-activated my account for the time being...and I tell ya, I miss the comments on my stupid statuses....Now that I'm alone part of the time, I could totally spend hours wasting away on there, but I take it to the gym...guess it's better that way anyway


----------



## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

JustAGirl said:


> Yes, actually I'm bi-lingual "Physical Touch" and "Quality Time" are my two....which SHOULD make it super easy to love me. You can actually kill two birds w/one stone LOL


<3



> What are you stealing for FB??


What I've discovered is that I am too "pleasing" and I need to take care of myself. I've learned that instead of saying, "I'm ok"...to say that I'm not and why. I put all the stress and burden on myself to keep anyone I love from having to feel it...



> lol I de-activated my account for the time being...and I tell ya, I miss the comments on my stupid statuses....Now that I'm alone part of the time, I could totally spend hours wasting away on there, but I take it to the gym...guess it's better that way anyway


let us know when you get back there


----------



## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

I've got a stone. Where is that bird?


----------



## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

Crankshaw said:


> <3
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I sure will! It's only been a couple of weeks but I miss my friends giving me a hard time lol
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

Feelingalone said:


> I've got a stone. Where is that bird?


Hey! I said TWO birds! See? Ur already tuning me out! LOL
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

What did you say? Can't hear you the tv is on. LOL

You ever write that list down and give it to your H? I asked this before but you "overlooked" it I guess.

I'm still thinking on the rules for the bet. What do you think?


----------



## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

Feelingalone said:


> What did you say? Can't hear you the tv is on. LOL
> 
> You ever write that list down and give it to your H? I asked this before but you "overlooked" it I guess.
> 
> I'm still thinking on the rules for the bet. What do you think?


HA! story of my life! 

Yes, I've written it down several times...sorry i overlooked it...guess I'm practicing lol

Rules:
Time limit
:scratchhead:
all I got...
Your turn lol


----------



## remmons (Dec 20, 2010)

> What I've discovered is that I am too "pleasing" and I need to take care of myself. I've learned that instead of saying, "I'm ok"...to say that I'm not and why. I put all the stress and burden on myself to keep anyone I love from having to feel it...


This is how I was until just recently, when I have finally come to terms that my wife had committed an affair. Now when they ask me how I am doing, I straight out tell them that "given the circumstances that my wife had an affair, I am doing good otherwise!"

Telling the truth does release the pressures that are built up inside.


----------



## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

remmons said:


> This is how I was until just recently, when I have finally come to terms that my wife had committed an affair. Now when they ask me how I am doing, I straight out tell them that "given the circumstances that my wife had an affair, I am doing good otherwise!"
> 
> Telling the truth does release the pressures that are built up inside.


I've changed that for myself too!
Even though this is hard, I've found myself calmer, less stressed and happier just letting go of trying to protect him from....life I guess.

I'm sorry for what you're going through, and if I divorce my H, I don't know that I'll get married again....


----------



## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Well good I don't hear you and you overlook things I say. We are off to a wonderful start. LOL. But I do like twofers. 

I must say you are holding up well, so kudos to you. So you told us what things make you happy, what are you going to do to make yourself happy then? Coz only you can make you happy. Something I forgot for a while but have reclaimed myself.

What is going on in your mind? What can others here help you with? 

Ever take your son and hike Crowder's Mountain in Gaston County, NC? It has some good trails, easier, medium and hard. Soon time to get out there before the heat is too much.


----------



## remmons (Dec 20, 2010)

JustAGirl said:


> I've changed that for myself too!
> Even though this is hard, I've found myself calmer, less stressed and happier just letting go of trying to protect him from....life I guess.
> 
> I'm sorry for what you're going through, and if I divorce my H, I don't know that I'll get married again....


My stress levels have dropped considerably once I made the decision to let go. I will not give up or lose hope for a reconcilliation, but by doing what I am, it is making my life easier to pursue the goals that I have set for myself.

As to getting married again? This was what I had thought after my first marriage until I met the woman of my dreams (or so I thought). I will never say never.


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

JustAGirl said:


> I'm sorry for what you're going through, and if I divorce my H, I don't know that I'll get married again....


yeah, I thought that after my first marriage, then I met the women who I thought was the one


----------



## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

Feelingalone said:


> Well good I don't hear you and you overlook things I say. We are off to a wonderful start. LOL. But I do like twofers.
> 
> I must say you are holding up well, so kudos to you. So you told us what things make you happy, what are you going to do to make yourself happy then? Coz only you can make you happy. Something I forgot for a while but have reclaimed myself.
> 
> ...


As long as we know all this going in, yes we're off to a great start!! LOL 

As far as my happiness, I'm open...maybe I'll start on my list! I'm very well aware that a person is responsible for making their own happiness...I've never depended on someone else for that...but then again, I'm happy 99.9% of the time 

My mind is all over the place...and there are people here that are being very supportive and that's all I can really hope for.

We've never been there...my H isn't the explorer we are, so if it wasn't close to home...we weren't driving anywhere lol. Gaston County...like Gastonia?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

remmons said:


> My stress levels have dropped considerably once I made the decision to let go. I will not give up or lose hope for a reconcilliation, but by doing what I am, it is making my life easier to pursue the goals that I have set for myself.
> 
> As to getting married again? This was what I had thought after my first marriage until I met the woman of my dreams (or so I thought). I will never say never.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

See? LOL
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

Crankshaw said:


> yeah, I thought that after my first marriage, then I met the women who I thought was the one


 you guys are steady convincing me I'm RIGHT!!!! lol Dern
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Yes, everything out in the open up front. LOL

If you had a bucket list, what would be on it?

Yes Crowder's is just west of Gastonia. Its a nice place. OF course you might get past Gafney. ha ha


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

JustAGirl said:


> you guys are steady convincing me I'm RIGHT!!!! lol Dern
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


1st marriage lasted 7 years, 2nd lasted 15 years, but I have just met a couple of really nice ladies, one lives in the UK, the other in the U.S


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

Well isn't that how anything should start?!?

A bucket list...I've thought about it, but then again, everyones doing it LOL

I know Gaffney...that's where my H is from....wait, u never told me ur name!!! LOL for some reason this song is runnin thru my head (and sadly showing my age) 

~I was tired of my lady
We'd been together too long
Like a worn-out recording
Of a favorite song
So while she lay there sleeping
I read the paper in bed
And in the personal columns
There was this letter I read

"If you like Pina Coladas
And getting caught in the rain
If you're not into yoga
If you have half a brain
If you'd like making love at midnight
In the dunes on the Cape
Then I'm the love that you've looked for
Write to me and escape."

I didn't think about my lady
I know that sounds kind of mean
But me and my old lady
Have fallen into the same old dull routine
So I wrote to the paper
Took out a personal ad
And though I'm nobody's poet
I thought it wasn't half bad

"Yes I like Pina Coladas
And getting caught in the rain
I'm not much into health food
I am into champagne
I've got to meet you by tomorrow noon
And cut through all this red-tape
At a bar called O'Malley's
Where we'll plan our escape."

So I waited with high hopes
And she walked in the place
I knew her smile in an instant
I knew the curve of her face
It was my own lovely lady
And she said, "Oh it's you."
Then we laughed for a moment
And I said, "I never knew."

That you like Pina Coladas
Getting caught in the rain
And the feel of the ocean
And the taste of champagne
If you'd like making love at midnight
In the dunes of the Cape
You're the lady I've looked for
Come with me and escape~
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

Crankshaw said:


> 1st marriage lasted 7 years, 2nd lasted 15 years, but I have just met a couple of really nice ladies, one lives in the UK, the other in the U.S


Awwwwwww (assuming I'm one)wwwwwwww
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

I meant you might not get past Gaffney -- ya know the cliche of women shopping.

Ever get stuck in the rain with a pina colada -- its only fun if you're at the beach.

Yeah, should of never made a movie about a bucket list -- now everybody does it.

And yes that makes you soooo old knowing that song!!!! LOL


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

JustAGirl said:


> Awwwwwww (assuming I'm one)wwwwwwww
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


you got that right, see, things are starting to look up, but you really must del some of your private messages, you have run out of storage space here


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

I've gotten stuck in the rain with a cold beer (does that count??) lol wasn't too fun..esp with the sand kicking up on my legs LOL I must try a pina colada though lol

Do u know that song or did u have to google it?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

Crankshaw said:


> you got that right, see, things are starting to look up, but you really must del some of your private messages, you have run out of storage space here


You hacking into my computer now?!?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Why Not Be Happy? (Apr 16, 2010)

great song-----lots of irony. have a great evening.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

No, didn't have to google it, I just remember that from when I was like 4 or 5. LOL. 

Cold beer is more my style....


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

Why Not Be Happy? said:


> great song-----lots of irony. have a great evening.


I know, right? Hope u have a great night too! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

JustAGirl said:


> You hacking into my computer now?!?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


nope, just tried to reply


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

Feelingalone said:


> No, didn't have to google it, I just remember that from when I was like 4 or 5. LOL.
> 
> Cold beer is more my style....


Ha...ha...ur fuuuneeeeeey lol

What kinda beer?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Yeah I'm a regular Johnny Carson. 

It depends. You?


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

Feelingalone said:


> Yeah I'm a regular Johnny Carson.
> 
> It depends. You?


Depends for me too....but it's usually something "light"....try not to have to do too many squats before I can have another! lol
*please tell me you've seen that commercial*


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

Crankshaw said:


> nope, just tried to reply


ok...all cleaned out LOL


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

Thanks for reminding me that I have a beer in the fridge. Maybe I will have one to help me relax. I think it's Sleeman's good old Canadian beer 

Cheers everyone!


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

notreadytoquit said:


> Thanks for reminding me that I have a beer in the fridge. Maybe I will have one to help me relax. I think it's Sleeman's good old Canadian beer
> 
> Cheers everyone!


:smthumbup:What are friends for??

Cheers!:toast:


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

OMG what has this thread turned into 
Yes I like wine too, red one(Chilean or Australian preferrably)


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

notreadytoquit said:


> OMG what has this thread turned into
> Yes I like wine too, red one(Chilean or Australian preferrably)


I know! We've just about covered all the bases on this thread but it sure has been fun!

I like a nice wine too....and YOU just reminded ME I have some in the fridge! woo hoo!


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

Now what are Feelingalone and Crankshaw drinking? Crankshaw I hope you are not somewhere flooded in Oz, maybe you can throw something on the "Barbie" as you call BBQ there?


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

notreadytoquit said:


> OMG what has this thread turned into
> Yes I like wine too, red one(Chilean or Australian preferrably)


Actually going to sit down with my sister soon and share a bottle of good white Australian wine


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

notreadytoquit said:


> Now what are Feelingalone and Crankshaw drinking? Crankshaw I hope you are not somewhere flooded in Oz, maybe you can throw something on the "Barbie" as you call BBQ there?


FA isn't weighing in (must be passed out from all the beer) lol



> Crankshaw
> Actually going to sit down with my sister soon and share a bottle of good white Australian wine


Niiiiiiice!


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

notreadytoquit said:


> Now what are Feelingalone and Crankshaw drinking? Crankshaw I hope you are not somewhere flooded in Oz, maybe you can throw something on the "Barbie" as you call BBQ there?


Nothing alcoholic has passed my lips for ages !

Na, if you fire up google maps, search for Bendigo, Victoria, that pretty much where I am at the moment, all the flooding is a long way from here.

Family BBQ, on to the list that goes !!


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

JustAGirl said:


> FA isn't weighing in (must be passed out from all the beer) lol






> Niiiiiiice!


I reckon I could probably get 2 glasses before I am completely drunk ! (probably, I rarely drink alcohol, nothing against it, not a fuddy duddy or anything like that!)


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

Crankshaw said:


> I reckon I could probably get 2 glasses before I am completely drunk ! (probably, I rarely drink alcohol, nothing against it, not a fuddy duddy or anything like that!)


If not drinking alot of alcohol makes u a fuddy duddy, then so am I lol
And I can drink two beers and feel it so, you're not alone 

Good morning all!


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Nope didn't pass out. Just enjoyed a movie and then reading. I drink mostly light beer as well.

So how many squats do you have to do today JAG? Those commercials are great!!!! Me I don't have to do any -- worked out yesterday before the beer. First day of P90X -- whoo. 

Well off I go.


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

Feelingalone said:


> Nope didn't pass out. Just enjoyed a movie and then reading. I drink mostly light beer as well.
> 
> So how many squats do you have to do today JAG? Those commercials are great!!!! Me I don't have to do any -- worked out yesterday before the beer. First day of P90X -- whoo.
> 
> Well off I go.


I was only kidding! You just weren't responding so i was making an effort to be funny.

No squats for me either....Diet Mt. Dew doesn't have any calories lol yet it's light 

Whew! P90X is tough....you think you're in shape until you work out to those! I'll be hitting the gym this week for my cardio and weight lifting....and maybe some squats lol

Have a good day!
I'm off to baseball practice this afternoon! LOVE IT!


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

If you guys want to work out you are more than welcomed to come and visit me in Canada. We have a sport here called snow shoveling. Very popular in the winter 

Shovels provided free of charge 

Off to watch Handy Manny and feed my munchkin


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## Why Not Be Happy? (Apr 16, 2010)

Okay---the baseball comment got me. My youngest son has started training/practice for high school baseball (pre-season). Batting cages, stratches, etc.-----all inside! And because of all the snow here in NH it'll be who knows how long before we get outside-----snow, more snow, cold....then mud season----then rain and another "freak" snow storm and then finally outdoor baseball on a field------so I'm jealous of you and your son getting to play outside.
any of you guys ever do "Boot Camp" classes? nice compliment to other training.
you must be "wired" with all the caffeine in your DEW.
enjoy your Sunday!
any new word from your husband, JAG?


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

I did bootcamp class in October for about a month. It was great. It was indoors. I really like the kickboxing based bootcamp. I could run for days on the threadmill and I won't break a sweat but this was really good. However I have to be careful with my sciatica what I do for exercize. I am thinking of swimming that's more low impact.

Yes JAG what is happing in your soap opera?


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

> Why Not Be Happy?
> Okay---the baseball comment got me. My youngest son has started training/practice for high school baseball (pre-season). Batting cages, stratches, etc.-----all inside! And because of all the snow here in NH it'll be who knows how long before we get outside-----snow, more snow, cold....then mud season----then rain and another "freak" snow storm and then finally outdoor baseball on a field------so I'm jealous of you and your son getting to play outside.
> any of you guys ever do "Boot Camp" classes? nice compliment to other training.
> you must be "wired" with all the caffeine in your DEW.
> ...


We had a great couple of baseball days....a little chilly but it was good to watch my little baseball player!

New word from H....hmmm not really.
I mean, we've worked out a schedule w/my son.
I've seen him, he says he loves me, misses me/us and has said I didn't have to leave, I could come home....We were around one another at the bb evals and practice yest. We get along, and have had an easier time talking about this and that. It feels just like it did when we were married, only I don't feel resentment, bitterness and stress around him now.

I know when I leave, I don't have to carry all that around and he can deal w/life how ever he sees fit. What do you guys think? If I don't feel anything other than "friendship" and "relief" now...what does that mean?


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

It's never a nice thing when family breaks up. I know in my case, even though husband cheated, disrespected me to heaven and back, I know things could have worked out if there was willingness on both sides. Not a day goes by that I don't think what would be like to have my family back. I think out of everything that happened I miss that the most.

Now is he willing to work things out? I don't know your story in detail but I would not give up yet. You can be separated and try to do counselling together, date each other see how things progress from there. You can always get a divorce. At least in this country that is a quickie procedure. You married this guy so at one point you must have loved him more than a "friend". Sometimes those feelings are buried at the bottom and all you have to do is reach for them.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

JustAGirl said:


> I know when I leave, I don't have to carry all that around and he can deal w/life how ever he sees fit. What do you guys think? If I don't feel anything other than "friendship" and "relief" now...what does that mean?


I'd say that's a pretty big deal...


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

JAG,

Ah baseball. I'm going to miss that this year. My lil guy wanted to do karate which unfortunately is twice a week in the evenings when the weekly practice and weeknight game happens. I've coached the last four seasons and I will miss it and the time I got with him doing that. Hopefully back at it next spring or maybe fall ball.

I think it just means that your resentment has lowered since moving out. And that is most likely a good thing -- you will see things clearer whether good or bad about your relationship. Although I did notice that you used the phrase "just like when we were married". A freudian slip perhaps or have you already decided?


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

notreadytoquit said:


> It's never a nice thing when family breaks up. I know in my case, even though husband cheated, disrespected me to heaven and back, I know things could have worked out if there was willingness on both sides. Not a day goes by that I don't think what would be like to have my family back. I think out of everything that happened I miss that the most.
> 
> Now is he willing to work things out? I don't know your story in detail but I would not give up yet. You can be separated and try to do counselling together, date each other see how things progress from there. You can always get a divorce. At least in this country that is a quickie procedure. You married this guy so at one point you must have loved him more than a "friend". Sometimes those feelings are buried at the bottom and all you have to do is reach for them.


My story is this...he's had trouble admitting there were problems, now he's having trouble admitting we need some sort of help. Before I left, we (I really me "I") told him that we needed to talk to someone to help us communicate. He refuses therapy. So, instead of holding is hand, telling him what I think...I'm gonna let him put on his big boy pants and figure it out. I'm done being his Mother...

I hate to see our family split up too, but after three years of begging someone to help you make the two of you better, I can't take it anymore, and I'm happier right now than I've been in so long!




> Feelingalone
> 
> JAG,
> 
> ...


I'm gonna post some pics I took over the weekend....
I'm ready for this baseball season, it's actually kid's pitch and should be interesting! What did you coach??

I think you're on to something w/the resentment. It's just nice not to have to feel a pit in my stomach or have to walk into a room where he is and neither one of us speak...I just can't stand that!

It was a slip and noticed it after I posted...I wondered who might catch that!


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

nice777guy said:


> I'd say that's a pretty big deal...


I'm listening....


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Just the contrast in feelings. The fact that you feel relieved when you are aren't together.

I felt a lot of different emotions when separated. Sometimes I really missed her - other times thought I never wanted to see her again.

But I don't think I ever felt 'at peace' about us being apart.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

I coached his tee ball and machine pitch teams. Next spring or this fall, he would step up to kid pitch or as we call it here minors. I don't know about down there, but here going to kid pitch means two practices a week and two games. 

THe past tense just jumped out. I liked your response regarding "big boy pants" to NRTQ. As I said before it is his pride keeping him from doing it. But you can't do it for him. 

So he's just on cruise control and not doing anything?


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

nice777guy said:


> Just the contrast in feelings. The fact that you feel relieved when you are aren't together.
> 
> I felt a lot of different emotions when separated. Sometimes I really missed her - other times thought I never wanted to see her again.
> 
> But I don't think I ever felt 'at peace' about us being apart.


It was just *so* bad right before I left....
And I had all theses feelings and emotions that felt bottled up even though I told him everything.
The lie (being happy lie) I carried, the smiling at my son through tears. the going to therapy and not being able to talk to him about any of it....he's never asked me about it btw.
I just feel like all the pressure has been taken off my shoulders.

And I miss the old him. The one that cared about life and spending it with me. The one that atleast had my love tank 1/2 full and cared to do so. I feel bad and sad for him....but at what point do you stop that and start living for you?


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

Feelingalone said:


> I coached his tee ball and machine pitch teams. Next spring or this fall, he would step up to kid pitch or as we call it here minors. I don't know about down there, but here going to kid pitch means two practices a week and two games.
> 
> THe past tense just jumped out. I liked your response regarding "big boy pants" to NRTQ. As I said before it is his pride keeping him from doing it. But you can't do it for him.
> 
> So he's just on cruise control and not doing anything?


Down here it depends on the coach really....
My son played "allstars" this past summer and they practiced every stinkin' day!! I seriouly was depressed when State was over and didn't know what to do! lol



> So he's just on cruise control and not doing anything?


 *PERFECT!* yes, that's exactly what it is!

So, I'm just taking life day by day and what happens, happens.
You can't make ppl do what you want them to....


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

You are right JAG, but at least there was no infidelity thrown in the mix there. That really doubles the pain and the problems that are already there.

Niceguy what is happening in your world these days?You have been quiet lately.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

notreadytoquit said:


> Niceguy what is happening in your world these days?You have been quiet lately.


Wife is back home. Things are getting better but I guess I'm still struggling with some resentment issues. Feels like there's still some space between us...but its better than it was a year ago. I guess thats progress.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Ah cruise control. What a horrible thing yet so many find themselves on cruise control. Creatures of habit I guess.

I hope he hits a speed bump soon. Got to win my bet -- whatever it is. LOL. What was it again, he wakes up and realizes it and I win and if not you win. So if you win, then you have to take me to dinner -- right LOL........

Life surely is like a box o chocolates, ya neva know whatcha goin to get.


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

Feelingalone said:


> Ah cruise control. What a horrible thing yet so many find themselves on cruise control. Creatures of habit I guess.
> 
> I hope he hits a speed bump soon. Got to win my bet -- whatever it is. LOL. What was it again, he wakes up and realizes it and I win and if not you win. So if you win, then you have to take me to dinner -- right LOL........
> 
> Life surely is like a box o chocolates, ya neva know whatcha goin to get.


The bet was....wait



> Originally Posted by *Feelingalone *
> Hey I once thought that way about therapy etc. Then I went to marriage counseling. I was open to it, my ex wasn't. I learned. She didn't. *So there is hope he will see that some day too. *
> 
> *by JustAGirl*Wanna bet on that? lol
> __________________


*Therapy!* I'm SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO winning this bet but I need to know what the deal is too...I think we started off by a hold on.....



> Originally Posted by *Feelingalone *
> How much?
> 
> *by JustAGirl*Virtual dollar? lol
> ...


But if you're a betting man, we can up the ante to something else 

I ain't skeer'd lol


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

I'm a betting man and I aint skeer'd neither


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## remmons (Dec 20, 2010)

nice777guy said:


> Just the contrast in feelings. The fact that you feel relieved when you are aren't together.
> 
> I felt a lot of different emotions when separated. Sometimes I really missed her - other times thought I never wanted to see her again.
> 
> But I don't think I ever felt 'at peace' about us being apart.


I am angry at my wife, but Imiss her too. I want to see my wife at times, but when I pass by her on the road or in Church, my anxieties start up. I want to say "hi" but I dare not for I can see it on her face that she doesn't want to talk and avoids the situation.....we communicate solely for my visitations with my daughter.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

remmons said:


> I am angry at my wife, but Imiss her too. I want to see my wife at times, but when I pass by her on the road or in Church, my anxieties start up. I want to say "hi" but I dare not for I can see it on her face that she doesn't want to talk and avoids the situation.....we communicate solely for my visitations with my daughter.


I've always thought that where there was anger or anxiey or any intense emotion that there was still passion.

But when someone feels like they just can't do it anymore - and no longer feel so angry or hurt - then they've truly started to check out of the relationship.

The opposite of Love is Apathy.


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

So I must still passion for my ex husband as I still get angry and hurt like hell many times.


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

Feelingalone said:


> I'm a betting man and I aint skeer'd neither


Dance off? lol Better yet....BREAK dance off! lol



> remmons
> 
> I am angry at my wife, but Imiss her too. I want to see my wife at times, but when I pass by her on the road or in Church, my anxieties start up. I want to say "hi" but I dare not for I can see it on her face that she doesn't want to talk and avoids the situation.....we communicate solely for my visitations with my daughter.


I'm so sorry...that's gotta be tough! I don't have it that bad, I don't act like I don't want to talk to my H, actually, it feels like we are friends again....and that's nice. 



> nice777guy
> I've always thought that where there was anger or anxiey or any intense emotion that there was still passion.
> 
> But when someone feels like they just can't do it anymore - and no longer feel so angry or hurt - then they've truly started to check out of the relationship.
> ...


I don't know that I've checked out completely. I just know the stress and pressure I was under living under the same roof with him became so bad I was feeling depressed and knew it was getting the best of me. Honestly, we've never had a lot of passion.....ever. We never faught (not really) b/c we swept everything under the rug and didn't address it. He is talking more now, and I'm sure he misses me, but has to feel some relief too from the way it was. So....with time, I will see how I feel but nearly three weeks in isn't enough. I think now I can think clearer and only time will tell....



> notreadytoquit
> So I must still passion for my ex husband as I still get angry and hurt like hell many times.


I don't know....I think sometimes we let people get the best of us. When you can't forgive, it gives power to the other person over you....let go and forgive. Take that power back!


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## Why Not Be Happy? (Apr 16, 2010)

Good Morning JAG:
I wish there was some magic fix for you but I think you may have it right-----TIME----time for both of you to figure out what you want and if your marriage is fixable. Because things got worse slowly over time and there was no "event" or real change it is a lot tougher.....
you guys are going to be in each other's lives as parents (at a minimum)-----I hope communication can improve atleast for that.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

notreadytoquit said:


> So I must still passion for my ex husband as I still get angry and hurt like hell many times.


I think JAG is right here.

No offense, but from what you've said before, I don't think he's thinking about you very much. And yet he's still taking up space in your head.

Somehow you've got to let it go. Easier said than done though.


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

Why Not Be Happy? said:


> Good Morning JAG:
> I wish there was some magic fix for you but I think you may have it right-----TIME----time for both of you to figure out what you want and if your marriage is fixable. Because things got worse slowly over time and there was no "event" or real change it is a lot tougher.....
> you guys are going to be in each other's lives as parents (at a minimum)-----I hope communication can improve atleast for that.


I know you're right! Since I told him I hired an attorney, (and he didn't blow his top) he has been very willing to talk about our son. We have worked out payment for afterschool and w/his baseball, we've worked out paying for some lessons w/the travel ball team. So, I think we are both on the same page as far as he goes.....and all I want is for my son to see us both happy. He and I have talked about how he will try to manipulate us by saying, "I'll just go stay w/Mom or Dad"...and we are going to try to be open about discussing that. So, as crazy as this sounds....our separating has helped a little....I just hope it continues to improve. My son is adjusting well...and my heart doesn't hurt so bad because of that.


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## remmons (Dec 20, 2010)

I am glad to hear that the two of you can come to a middle ground for the sake of your son. He needs to see that mom and dad can get along, this is healthy for him. Keep up the good work, it will be better for you all in the end.


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

remmons said:


> I am glad to hear that the two of you can come to a middle ground for the sake of your son. He needs to see that mom and dad can get along, this is healthy for him. Keep up the good work, it will be better for you all in the end.


Thanks! I hope things get better for you as well...
You know we're all here for you!!

You know, I think we all have "good" days and "bad" days...
So far, this is a good day for me 
In a fabulous mood! :smthumbup:


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

nice777guy said:


> I think JAG is right here.
> 
> No offense, but from what you've said before, I don't think he's thinking about you very much. And yet he's still taking up space in your head.
> 
> Somehow you've got to let it go. Easier said than done though.


No offence taken  I know you are right but like you said easier said than done.

JAG glad you are having a good day :smthumbup:


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

JustAGirl said:


> Thanks! I hope things get better for you as well...
> You know we're all here for you!!
> 
> You know, I think we all have "good" days and "bad" days...
> ...


you too, I have had a brilliant day, my daughter picked it up, heck, even danced a bit with my 'grand daughter' when we were putting the bins out


----------



## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

notreadytoquit said:


> No offence taken  I know you are right but like you said easier said than done.
> 
> JAG glad you are having a good day :smthumbup:


Thanks! Smile! It'll make you feel better! 



> Crankshaw
> 
> you too, I have had a brilliant day, my daughter picked it up, heck, even danced a bit with my 'grand daughter' when we were putting the bins out


YAY! It's such a beeeeeeeeeeeeeeautiful day here today! 70 degrees! WOOT WOOT!


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Dance off? OK, I might be a bit skeer'd no. LOL.....

Glad to hear your having a good day. At least that is what I think I heard over the tv...... LOL........


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## remmons (Dec 20, 2010)

The days seem so much brighter when there is happiness abound!



> YAY! It's such a beeeeeeeeeeeeeeautiful day here today! 70 degrees! WOOT WOOT!


(grumbling) Lucky girl! We are sitting at a balmy 18 degrees, with an expected high of 32.:scratchhead:


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

Feelingalone said:


> Dance off? OK, I might be a bit skeer'd no. LOL.....
> 
> Glad to hear your having a good day. At least that is what I think I heard over the tv...... LOL........


Yes! HAHA! WUSS!

What did you hear over the tv? Ok, you SCARING me now!
You saw me on the news?? :scratchhead:



> remmons
> The days seem so much brighter when there is happiness abound!
> 
> (grumbling) Lucky girl! We are sitting at a balmy 18 degrees, with an expected high of 32.


Whoa...heatwave!

How bout that global warming folks? huh? huh? :rofl:


----------



## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Huh, lost me on that one.


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

if you are all that warm, why don't you come and visit me in Toronto. I can offer you 18F feels like 7F and it is sunny outside and windy


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## remmons (Dec 20, 2010)

notreadytoquit said:


> if you are all that warm, why don't you come and visit me in Toronto. I can offer you 18F feels like 7F and it is sunny outside and windy


I was thinking that you might chime in here with your temps.

My sister lives up in North Dakota, and she hates the cold...:scratchhead:


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## Why Not Be Happy? (Apr 16, 2010)

we're cold here in NH too.


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## Why Not Be Happy? (Apr 16, 2010)

temp/weather that is....


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Its beautiful here -- 70


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## Why Not Be Happy? (Apr 16, 2010)

where are you?


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

NC


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

can you even buy a shovel in NC at home depot?


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

Feelingalone said:


> Dance off? OK, I might be a bit skeer'd no. LOL.....
> 
> Glad to hear your having a good day. At least that is what I think I heard over the tv...... LOL........


Ohhhhhh haha! I get it NOW! Its funny I thought u may have seen something on the news about the brush fires that happened here (right across from my house actually) I didn't realize u were already ignoring me DUH! *senior moment* since I'm not 
blonde lol
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

notreadytoquit said:


> can you even buy a shovel in NC at home depot?


I wouldn't know...shoveling is a MANS job! LOL
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

Aaaaaaaaaaaand I ran everyone off! LOL you guys and gals have a great night!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

I think they all headed up to Toronto to help NRTQ shovel snow!


----------



## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Nice -- you can only buy a shovel when the weatherman predicts snow and then everyone rushes out to get one and uh oh, they are all gone. Of course so is the bread and milk at the grocery store.

JAG --- sure you aren't blonde? Come on deep down just a lil? LOL.

No running off here -- just back from playing soccer. Two games and we won the championship. Just a rec league, but we beat the top two teams to win. WOOT! WOOT!

So how many times you been to William Bryce? Surprised u don't prefer Death Valley.


----------



## Why Not Be Happy? (Apr 16, 2010)

Hey JAG, I'm glad you keep your sense of humor going....
it's important. have you tried to have a sit down with your husband to see where he's at, set expectations, etc.?
good luck!


----------



## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

nice777guy said:


> I think they all headed up to Toronto to help NRTQ shovel snow!


I carry a small shovel in the trunk of my car with a bucket of salt as well and I have an all-wheel drive car.


----------



## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

nice777guy said:


> I think they all headed up to Toronto to help NRTQ shovel snow!


Ha! I guess so!
I'll just sit w/a cold beer and watch!



> Feelingalone
> Nice -- you can only buy a shovel when the weatherman predicts snow and then everyone rushes out to get one and uh oh, they are all gone. Of course so is the bread and milk at the grocery store.


 SO TRUE!!! No milk and bread ANYWHERE! lol



> JAG --- sure you aren't blonde? Come on deep down just a lil? LOL.


I'm positive... never heard of blonde American Indians



> No running off here -- just back from playing soccer. Two games and we won the championship. Just a rec league, but we beat the top two teams to win. WOOT! WOOT!


CONGRATS!!! WTG!!!



> So how many times you been to William Bryce? Surprised u don't prefer Death Valley.


 Sorry, no Clemsux fan here! I've been a few times....can't wait to go back. My son has never been to a Carolina game, would love to take him soon!



> Why Not Be Happy?
> Hey JAG, I'm glad you keep your sense of humor going....
> it's important. have you tried to have a sit down with your husband to see where he's at, set expectations, etc.?
> good luck!


No I haven't....and this is why. I've been trying to get him to talk to me for years, really hard the past three and trying to wake him up for the past 4 months. I'm tired of "seeing where he's at"....he's still stuck in the same place he has been. He and "Pride" are the best of friends, and until he decideds he wants to talk....I'm keepin' it movin'. Don't mean to sound mean or like a B, but I've waited to him to do something long enough....if he wants to discuss anything, he knows I'm here. And yes, I even told him that lol 



> notreadytoquit
> I carry a small shovel in the trunk of my car with a bucket of salt as well and I have an all-wheel drive car.


Ok...add some duck tape and explosives and I'd be worried LOL


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## Why Not Be Happy? (Apr 16, 2010)

fair enough-----
I hear you. Too bad he isn't listening...


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

:banghead:


Why Not Be Happy? said:


> fair enough-----
> I hear you. Too bad he isn't listening...


----------



## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Yup a cheeseless tunnel. Keep doing the same thing that isn't working. 

Oh my an *****.

My brother attended that fine University of South Cackalackey.


----------



## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

Feelingalone said:


> Yup a cheeseless tunnel. Keep doing the same thing that isn't working.
> 
> Oh my an *****.
> 
> My brother attended that fine University of South Cackalackey.





> Oh my an *****.


 I had to read that *THREE* times! 
Seminole/Cherokee....my Indian name is "Runs with scissors" LOL



> My brother attended that fine University of South Cackalackey


 Good man! 

Not so warm here today  Guess we shouldn't have been bragging yesterday!


----------



## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

You sure you don't have some blonde? LOL

Being ***** is ok, my son is part ***** too! For a long time he seemed to be Dances with Poop. LOL. Now he's more Runs with DS.

I'm sure they'd still welcome mid 50s.


----------



## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

female American Indian, now thats exotic, just so you know, but don't tell anyone I said that, OK


----------



## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

FA do you have something against blondes?


----------



## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

No I don't NRTQ. In fact I was married to a brunette, part American indian.

She was known as Dances with Other Men. LOL..........


----------



## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

OMG you really made me laugh. I guess that makes my ex H part Canadian Indian otherwise known Dancing with Other Women.

Glad you have nothing against blondes-the smart ones


----------



## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

Feelingalone said:


> You sure you don't have some blonde? LOL
> 
> Being ***** is ok, my son is part ***** too! For a long time he seemed to be Dances with Poop. LOL. Now he's more Runs with DS.
> 
> I'm sure they'd still welcome mid 50s.


No, not a blonde *NOT THAT THERE'S ANYTHING WRONG WITH BLONDES!!!* 



> For a long time he seemed to be Dances with Poop. LOL. Now he's more Runs with DS.


Thanks....Diet Mt. Dew stings coming outta my nose!! 



> *Crankshaw*
> female American Indian, now thats exotic, just so you know, but don't tell anyone I said that, OK


tee hee



> *Feelingalone*No I don't NRTQ. In fact I was married to a brunette, part American indian.
> 
> She was known as Dances with Other Men. LOL..........


 YOU...ARE...KILLING...ME! :rofl:



> *notreadytoquit *
> 
> OMG you really made me laugh. I guess that makes my ex H part Canadian Indian otherwise known Dancing with Other Women.
> 
> Glad you have nothing against blondes-the smart ones


I say we refer to our ex's/H's and W's as their given Indian name.... I need help with mine...I can't be clever twice


----------



## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

JAG,

I'm just glad I could help clear your nose out of all that smoke.

I don't know if I can make coffee come out of your nose but .........




Dances with O'Reilly or Sitting with Fox News seems somewhat appropo wouldn't you say?


Noticed that freudian slip again -- our ex's. Fool me once, shame on me, fool me twice shame on me.

Its ok to think like that -- it helps. Believe me.

And me thinks you may not be clever (sure you aren't) but are a lil devilish.

Oh, gotta go -- O'Reilly is on............. not but Top Chef is on


----------



## Babyheart (Feb 9, 2011)

Love Top Chef! But I didnt see tonights episode yet so dont spoil it for me. 

How's Big Bull Stink for a name?


----------



## Why Not Be Happy? (Apr 16, 2010)

funny.
Babyheart, what is your avitar?


----------



## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

Feelingalone said:


> JAG,
> 
> I'm just glad I could help clear your nose out of all that smoke.
> 
> ...


That smoke is from my peace pipe....hehe

Hey...how bout this one "Sits in no spin zone" lol
Nah...that was stupid! 

I didn't slip...I said "our ex's/husbands/wives...boy you're reaching...what you trying to say??? lol
And yes, I have to think that way...this could be permanent.
I've already stopped wearing my ring...UH OH! lol



> And me thinks you may not be clever (sure you aren't) but are a lil devilish.


 Takes one to know one 



> Oh, gotta go -- O'Reilly is on............. not but Top Chef is on


 Ha..Ha..Ha..


----------



## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

Why Not Be Happy? said:


> funny.
> Babyheart, what is your avitar?


Yeah, what is that? I like it...


----------



## Why Not Be Happy? (Apr 16, 2010)

JAG: You seem ready to make him your ex (his actions or his lack of action have brought you here). Are you going to give him a last chance/ultimatum? Sounds like he is so unresponsive..... could he be depressed? hang in there! we are here for you!


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

Why Not Be Happy? said:


> JAG: You seem ready to make him your ex (his actions or his lack of action have brought you here). Are you going to give him a last chance/ultimatum? Sounds like he is so unresponsive..... could he be depressed? hang in there! we are here for you!


Well I've been in limbo for so long...he's one inch away from being kicked to the curb! I've signed a six month lease where I am...after that, if there's been no change, effort on his part etc....we're done. I've already given him an ultimatum...we see how that turned out! lol

He could be depressed, but since he doesn't "believe in depression", don't know that he would admit it if he were.

I'm trying to hang in there....thank all you guys/gals for your support! I love being apart of TAM....and I hope that our struggles help others....I know it's helped me being here!


----------



## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Wasn't a reach -- just tired at the time or those dreaded senior moments.

Maybe I am a lil devilish and then again maybe I'm not. Only time will tell.

Have you told him your time limit/expectation that you are "done" in 5 months when your lease expires? If not, how will he know?

How is your son holding up?

That is why I come back on TAM to return the favor of support shown to me here. Got to pay that forward.


----------



## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

Feelingalone said:


> Wasn't a reach -- just tired at the time or those dreaded senior moments.
> 
> Maybe I am a lil devilish and then again maybe I'm not. Only time will tell.
> 
> ...


Bless you...I know what those senior moments are like!

I haven't actually said, "You have six months to get your s*** together but when he told me I could come home I told him, "I've signed a six month lease here, so...." I know...I know I need to come out and say it but why???? I've came out and said a lot of things he didn't listen to! 'WAH'

My son is good right now. Keeping him busy is helping and he's actually seeing me without tears in my eyes which is always a good thing. He enjoys spending time with both of us...and to be honest, we really didn't do much together so it can't be that big of an adjustment for him.

I don't know if anyone can learn anything from my situation at the moment, but maybe someone is in the same boat as I am and not feel so alone....

I've always felt like I'm the only woman on the planet that has an H that didn't want sex. I have friends who don't want sex w/their H's and I'm always telling them to try...once you get started, you'll get into it! JUST DON'T make them feel like you don't want to be with them...I know how it feels!!


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

JustAGirl said:


> Bless you...I know what those senior moments are like!
> 
> I haven't actually said, "You have six months to get your s*** together but when he told me I could come home I told him, "I've signed a six month lease here, so...." I know...I know I need to come out and say it but why???? I've came out and said a lot of things he didn't listen to! 'WAH'
> 
> ...


Hopefully you've done enough reading around here to realize that you aren't alone on that last part.

Are you planning to let him keep the house? Or have you even thought that far ahead?


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

You've got a lot of pent up demand going on, and for that I'm sorry.

See as a guy, you saying it is a six month lease doesn't scream let alone whisper to me that that is your line in the sand. Now that I"m on the other side of where I was, I might pick up on that. But where your H is I'm not sure he would put that statement together with final divorce.

I know you are tired of being the one taking action and trying (big wall of resentment), but without you, there might not be hope. Swing that big ole 2x4 upside his head.


Batter Up.............


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Feelingalone said:


> See as a guy, you saying it is a six month lease doesn't scream let alone whisper to me that that is your line in the sand.


:iagree:

We don't do "subtle" real well...


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## remmons (Dec 20, 2010)

nice777guy said:


> :iagree:
> 
> We don't do "subtle" real well...


X2.

Sometimes I need things spelled out for me. This must be a character flaw inherited from my dad.


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

JAG,

I don't know even now if my now ex H was trying to give me some clues(other than changing his behaviour over night which I attributed to stress from work due to the company being sold) but he definitely did not sit down and say: "This or that is not what I don't like, and if you don't change I am going to divorce". He certainly did not spell it out that way. He was working almost 12h days and I was busy with the baby. When we had our talk in Feb of 2010(before I found out about the affair but after he moved out of the bedroom)he claimed he had tried to talk to me. To this day I cannot remember one single instance and I have rolled the movie back thousands of times.

Now when I started my little "investigation" in Jan 2010 I found out that he had signed up for an apartment search website. I found that suspicious but not at the same time. Because his contract was up and we were debating whether we come back to Canada or not. Again I did not want to make any accusations just based on that.

So with your husband I would just sit him down and say: Listen this is what is bothering me, it is affecting our marriage and if these issues don't get addressed divorce is the next step.

Even if you have done it already do it one more time.

I wish my ex H has done this instead of pursuing an affair and lying to me even when confronted. And trust me one should not have a problem communicating with me: I speak 7 foreign languages(english one of them) and my ex H worked in sales so he was not shy.

So as one last effort sit down and tell him in simple words the way things are. If he still ignores all that then you have every right to pursue what you are pursuing now. He needs to understand the seriousness of the problem.

You mentioned somewhere on this thread that he does not believe in depression. Mention that again and see what he says. Sometimes people "wake up" from their depression when they realize what they are about to lose.


----------



## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

nice777guy said:


> Hopefully you've done enough reading around here to realize that you aren't alone on that last part.
> 
> Are you planning to let him keep the house? Or have you even thought that far ahead?


He can keep the house if he buys me out, otherwise, we will have to sell it. We discussed that when I asked why he refused to leave....


----------



## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

Feelingalone said:


> You've got a lot of pent up demand going on, and for that I'm sorry.
> 
> See as a guy, you saying it is a six month lease doesn't scream let alone whisper to me that that is your line in the sand. Now that I"m on the other side of where I was, I might pick up on that. But where your H is I'm not sure he would put that statement together with final divorce.
> 
> ...


I hear you guys, I do....I'm just waiting for him to do SOMETHING....I want to see some sort of effort other than, I miss you, I love you...you can come home. I know I can come home....that's OUR home. You feel me? lol

And I don't have a 2x4 will a DeMarini Voodoo work??? Just sayin' lol


----------



## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

notreadytoquit said:


> JAG,
> 
> I don't know even now if my now ex H was trying to give me some clues(other than changing his behaviour over night which I attributed to stress from work due to the company being sold) but he definitely did not sit down and say: "This or that is not what I don't like, and if you don't change I am going to divorce". He certainly did not spell it out that way. He was working almost 12h days and I was busy with the baby. When we had our talk in Feb of 2010(before I found out about the affair but after he moved out of the bedroom)he claimed he had tried to talk to me. To this day I cannot remember one single instance and I have rolled the movie back thousands of times.
> 
> ...


I have tried and tried and tried....
I will sit him down again, maybe ask him where his letters are, ask him if he's read them and if he has any comments. Seriously, it's been like talking to a wall. I'm just trying to figure out how I'm feeling right now...I've been so caught up in his feelings, or what he might be feeling or is he mad? sad? upset? whatever...so right now...I'm waiting to see if maybe I can get rid of some of these ill feelings towards him to even consider working it out. I'm telling you, three years, 4 months is a long time to feel the way I have....


----------



## Why Not Be Happy? (Apr 16, 2010)

3 years and 4 months??!!!?? Pretty specific.....
tell us more.


----------



## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Then I believe you should just file if you are going to wait for a sign. That for you is a cheeseless tunnel. He's at his end of the couch and you are on the other. (And no I'm not yielding on the bet.) But if you have already discussed the house etc., which I didn't catch (most likely a prolonged senior moment) and he hasn't woken up. I'm not sure dropping the house on top of him will do anything. 

I can only imagine your frustration. I wasn't even that bad...... LOL

I think his indian name should be Head up his [email protected]#... LOL


I feel ya............ and I .... Was going to say something else, just too easy.

He has let his inner lil boy take over -- bad news.....


----------



## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

Why Not Be Happy? said:


> 3 years and 4 months??!!!?? Pretty specific.....
> tell us more.


**Very specific** The reason? I had one of my best friends go thru the same thing w/her H....she told me to write stuff down b/c over time I wouldn't remember what I was going thru. How time could slowly creep by and at some point, if you don't stop the madness....you'll wake up 80 wondering what happened.

My feelings of neglect started probably before my son was born. He's nine...right after he turned 1, I was in a car accident. I was in a wheelchair for four months. My H had to take care of everything, including a child that was sick w/ear infections etc all the time. It was hard! Our families pitched in and helped alot but I was so sad/mad I couldn't do much or hold my child. I recovered and thought to myself, this man has stepped up and did what needed to be done.....how could I be unhappy? I felt guilty for even asking for attention or sex b/c of what he had to do. As time went on, I felt more and more alone....sad, and like I had a room mate instead of a soul mate. I started telling him how I was feeling, he seemed to try for a few weeks and then slip right back to his ways. All the while, I was trying to put it out of my head and put my needs aside and just be happy with the cards that were dealt to me.

In the past three years, starting on our anniversary, I've really started pushing him to make some changes and not for just a few weeks. We had to CHANGE something or nothing would change. I asked him on our anniversary, "Are you happy?" His response, (raising his voice I might add) "What do you mean am I happy?" I get this reaction every single time I try to talk to him. He's defensive and not open at ALL!

So time goes on, and I try here and there to spark our love life, I get turned down etc and I start getting bitter. It pops off again on the next anniversary. Same conversation, same result. "I love you" he says..."WELL SHOW ME! DAMN!"---nothing. 

So here I am....three years and four months. Four months ago, I told him I wanted to separate. He's known this and NOT ONCE tried to spark up a conversation about anything. Just day to day life stuff like I had never said those words. Totallly being passive aggressive. Refusing to leave, refusing therapy, refusing to talk...Just saying (even in front of my son), "Yeah, I'm probably wrong, I don't do anything right"...I never EVER said words anything like what's he hearing....why is that?
Because he doesn't listen to what I'm saying, he's hearing what he wants to hear....

I'm done w/being his mother....he has one of those.


----------



## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

Feelingalone said:


> Then I believe you should just file if you are going to wait for a sign. That for you is a cheeseless tunnel. He's at his end of the couch and you are on the other. (And no I'm not yielding on the bet.) But if you have already discussed the house etc., which I didn't catch (most likely a prolonged senior moment) and he hasn't woken up. I'm not sure dropping the house on top of him will do anything.
> 
> I can only imagine your frustration. I wasn't even that bad...... LOL
> 
> ...





> I think his indian name should be Head up his [email protected]#... LOL


 :iagree:



> I feel ya............ and I .... Was going to say something else, just too easy.


 I leave myself wide open all the time....:slap:



> He has let his inner lil boy take over -- bad news.....


 GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR I know!


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

If some how you could get him to read something, have him read Hold On To Your Nuts.

One of the biggest points made is silencing your inner lil boy.

Leaving yourself "wide open again"


----------



## Why Not Be Happy? (Apr 16, 2010)

JAG:
Thank you for sharing....I understand your frustration. I think it is very difficult to move forward and improve things when you are the only one trying to do so.
Sounds like a complete lack of passion on his part------does he live the rest of his life the same way?


----------



## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Why Not Be Happy? said:


> JAG:
> Thank you for sharing....I understand your frustration. I think it is very difficult to move forward and improve things when you are the only one trying to do so.
> Sounds like a complete lack of passion on his part------does he live the rest of his life the same way?


Does he work every day? Or just kind of when he wants to? Does he have any kind of passion there?


----------



## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

Feelingalone said:


> If some how you could get him to read something, have him read Hold On To Your Nuts.
> 
> One of the biggest points made is silencing your inner lil boy.
> 
> Leaving yourself "wide open again"


He better hold on to his nuts cause I'm not gonna! LMAO! j/k!
Ok....here we go, get him to what? Read a book? Can I change the cover w/an O'Reilly book cover? lol Or a golf book??



> *Why Not Be Happy?*
> JAG:
> Thank you for sharing....I understand your frustration. I think it is very difficult to move forward and improve things when you are the only one trying to do so.
> Sounds like a complete lack of passion on his part------does he live the rest of his life the same way?


He's not a very passionate person at all....
And I loved him so much that I turned myself into someone to please and be with him. I did that, and I realize I've lost myself trying to be a good girlfriend, then wife and now wife/mother. It's sad really, we were different before we had our son. We've talked about that a little, and although I realize things have to change in your life, you don't have to stop living because you have a child....it's just so sad to me that he is content w/working, coming home, working out, making dinner and sitting in front of the tv....sad!



> *nice777guy *
> Quote:
> Originally Posted by Why Not Be Happy?
> JAG:
> ...


He works for himself. He is working right now and has a pretty fexible schedule. He worked for an engineering firm like me (although we never worked together thank goodness!) and; he got laid off and he and his buddy decided to start their own painting business. Now, they had done some painting on the side (b/c they are the best I've ever seen...not sloppy, don't leave paint where it shouldn't be....really quality work) and decided to try this out. They have stayed pretty busy and I know it's hard work, but he has enough energy to work out. But his lack of passion isn't b/c he's tired ALL the time, I think it's in his personality. I just don't understand how I fell in love with someone who wasn't passionate....but then again, I've changed too!


----------



## Why Not Be Happy? (Apr 16, 2010)

I'm really not sure where you can go from here....
if you tell him what you want (and it is reasonable) and he won't change..... ???????


----------



## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Figured you'd say that about reading. Oh well had to give it that ole college try once more.

At least he is working out. That's something unless its just 12 oz curls.

When did he get laid off? About 3 years ago or more recently?


----------



## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

Why Not Be Happy? said:


> I'm really not sure where you can go from here....
> if you tell him what you want (and it is reasonable) and he won't change..... ???????


I know....that's why I'm at a loss....



> *Feelingalone*
> 
> Figured you'd say that about reading. Oh well had to give it that ole college try once more.
> 
> ...


He got laid off a year ago in March...and yes, I can read between your lines!


----------



## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Now that is funny, I'm doing that P90X as well. LMAO.

I knew you were clever. It was just a thought. A lay-off can bruise a guy's ego, that is for sure.

Well I'm out of ideas. 

Let's see if Head Up His [email protected]% does something.

Man, I won't mention working out again to you......... LOL


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

Feelingalone said:


> Now that is funny, I'm doing that P90X as well. LMAO.
> 
> I knew you were clever. It was just a thought. A lay-off can bruise a guy's ego, that is for sure.
> 
> ...





> Well I'm out of ideas.


Now you know how I feel....sheesh!




> Man, I won't mention working out again to you......... LOL


:rofl:!!! working out is great....just don't skip your cardio with ME! lol Get it???
We were both gym rats for a long time.
He worked out and competed while I taught group fitness.
I taught everything there was to teach (no pole aerobics wasn't even a thought back then) so, up until I had my son, I was teaching classes....I loved it.
You have to give up things you love for your children that you love even more!

I'm back at the gym (Coops) but just a member and I love it!
So, don't worry about talking about working out, although I actually LOL'd on that one!!


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

OK, I'm skeer'd now.

Let's see:

Brunette - check
part american indian - check
teaches work out classes - check

My god you are my ex-wife...............LOL

I'm now known as Run for Door.........

Of course you can't be her:

Sees other men while still married and living together -- unchecked
Understands that child comes first -- unchecked
narcissistic -- unchecked.

I assume your cardio involves LMAO.........

But do you do pole dancing aerobics? Inquiring minds want to know. LOL
Seriously, my ex


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

Feelingalone said:


> OK, I'm skeer'd now.
> 
> Let's see:
> 
> ...



Wow...if I were you I'D stay away from me!!! lol

I haven't done any pole dancing aerobics....although I've wanted to check it out. I pass a place all the time, just haven't gone it...

You're ex was a pole dance instructor?


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

This is me staying away..... LOL 


No she wasn't a pole dance instructor, but just about anything else.

No I was saying seriously my ex is a brunette, part american indian, trainer type.


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

Feelingalone said:


> This is me staying away..... LOL
> 
> 
> No she wasn't a pole dance instructor, but just about anything else.
> ...


Which now bring us to the conclusion that you should find a blonde,non-american, that stays away from the gym. But most importantly who will accept you for who you are and be faithful and love you unconditionally.


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

notreadytoquit said:


> Which now bring us to the conclusion that you should find a blonde,non-american, that stays away from the gym. But most importantly who will accept you for who you are and be faithful and love you unconditionally.


Well...there ya have it


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## Why Not Be Happy? (Apr 16, 2010)

JAG: Anything new from your husband? Is he reaching out at all?


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

He hasn't really had to....my son was asked to play on a travel ball team (it's his allstar coaches team) and they stepped in for a team that dropped out Sat and Sun had practice so, I've been around him. He did hug me Sat and say something in my ear.....(The hug caught me off guard, but part of it is habit too)


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

You had great weather for baseball. That was an amazing weather weekend for this time of year. We hit 81 yesterday. It was a great day to be outside.

The hug was reaching out -- and it was something physical which is your love language.

Babystep for him perhaps?


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

Feelingalone said:


> You had great weather for baseball. That was an amazing weather weekend for this time of year. We hit 81 yesterday. It was a great day to be outside.
> 
> The hug was reaching out -- and it was something physical which is your love language.
> 
> Babystep for him perhaps?


It was BEAUTIFUL! I am so worried about tonight's weather! I am (and have always been) terrified of tornados!!! And here I will be alone!! I plan on hitting the gym right after work and have warned a couple of friends they might see me tonight LOL!!

Hugs and pop kisses were normal for us, up until maybe the last few weeks...he wasn't speaking/making an effort and neither was I....

So, maybe it was a baby step for him....
Did nothing for me....b/c what he whispered was once again, about him....

~I used to think I made you and our son feel safe, I realized it was that _you_ made _me_ feel safe.

That could mean so many different things...I just didn't try to analyze it...I'm just tired


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

just sit down and have a straight talk with him. Lay it out to him in bullet points, powerpoint whatever necessary. Ask him what he plans to do about it.

This going back and forth will get exhausting for both of you and you will both reach that point of no return.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Maybe he is getting his bearings, like you he has been adjusting to the new "normal" of you and your son not being there. Maybe there has been some begining of self realization. That he realizes he was looking to you for his happiness -- which no one should do.

I don't know since I'm not in his head.


If tired -- go to bed. LOL


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

JustAGirl said:


> I used to think I made you and our son feel safe, I realized it was that _you_ made _me_ feel safe.


???

Is he afraid of storms too maybe?

What if he had actually pulled something meaningful out of his rear end? Or what if he had just hugged you and not said anything? Would it actually help...


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## Why Not Be Happy? (Apr 16, 2010)

JAG: I know you are very frustrated and pretty much "checked out" because you are not getting any help from him on your relationship.
What do you want next? Do you have a time frame?
Stay safe tonight!


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

notreadytoquit said:


> just sit down and have a straight talk with him. Lay it out to him in bullet points, powerpoint whatever necessary. Ask him what he plans to do about it.
> 
> This going back and forth will get exhausting for both of you and you will both reach that point of no return.


Maybe I will when I'm ready.....
I've done it so many times prior to leaving.
He needs to put on his big boy pants and figure some things out for himself.



> *Feelingalone*
> 
> Maybe he is getting his bearings, like you he has been adjusting to the new "normal" of you and your son not being there. Maybe there has been some begining of self realization. That he realizes he was looking to you for his happiness -- which no one should do.
> 
> ...


What is this? "Pick on JAG DAY"??



> *nice777guy *Is he afraid of storms too maybe?


:rofl:



> *Why Not Be Happy? *
> 
> JAG: I know you are very frustrated and pretty much "checked out" because you are not getting any help from him on your relationship.
> What do you want next? Do you have a time frame?
> Stay safe tonight!


I don't know what to do next, just taking it day-by-day 

Thanks......
If you guys don't hear from me tomorrow, send someone to look for me lol


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Is it storming bad down there? It hasn't started here but the dark, ominous clouds have moved in.

Take care of yourself tonite. Thoughts will be with ya through the storm.

On the bright side, the storm should lower the wild fire threat.


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

Feelingalone said:


> Is it storming bad down there? It hasn't started here but the dark, ominous clouds have moved in.
> 
> Take care of yourself tonite. Thoughts will be with ya through the storm.
> 
> On the bright side, the storm should lower the wild fire threat.


Yep it was bad here but I made it!
Went to the gym and freaked out with the rest of everyone!


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Glad you made it through. No gym or workout for me today -- my rest day. And I'm resting.


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

Feelingalone said:


> Glad you made it through. No gym or workout for me today -- my rest day. And I'm resting.


so is the storm there yet? So of my clients from Eastern Canada started calling me today about potentially cancelled flights. I told them I work in a travel agency not the weather channel(the only job in the world where you cannot be fired if you are wrong). Tomorrow should be fun at work.

I got to find some way to excersize. My sciatic nerve killed me today. I tried swimming we'll see how that works out. 

JAG any more news tonight from hubby?


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

Feelingalone said:


> Glad you made it through. No gym or workout for me today -- my rest day. And I'm resting.


Mondays should be a rest day...*sigh* I did not and I'm TIRED!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

notreadytoquit said:


> so is the storm there yet? So of my clients from Eastern Canada started calling me today about potentially cancelled flights. I told them I work in a travel agency not the weather channel(the only job in the world where you cannot be fired if you are wrong). Tomorrow should be fun at work.
> 
> I got to find some way to excersize. My sciatic nerve killed me today. I tried swimming we'll see how that works out.
> 
> JAG any more news tonight from hubby?


Not really...we talked on the phone but its mostly about our son...no real change, but its good we can talk 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Hey JAG, what's going on? Hope you are doing ok.


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

JAG why don't you make a point of actually sitting down with him for the purpose of discussing your relationship and spill out what is on your mind? This limbo is killing you both. Then you will at least see the reaction on his face. At least at the end if you do get divorced you can say with clear conscience that you tried everything.


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

Feelingalone said:


> Hey JAG, what's going on? Hope you are doing ok.


Hey there....I'm doing pretty good! Hope you are too!



> *notreadytoquit*
> JAG why don't you make a point of actually sitting down with him for the purpose of discussing your relationship and spill out what is on your mind? This limbo is killing you both. Then you will at least see the reaction on his face. At least at the end if you do get divorced you can say with clear conscience that you tried everything.


I will at some point....
I've tried countless times and I'm just tired of it.
I think he needs time to figure this out a little without me trying so hard to get him to talk....
He's very stubborn, so letting him realize some things first might actually help him open up and be able to say some things without being defensive or blowing up....or I could be totally off lol

At this point, if we were to divorce, I already feel like _I've_ done all I can....it takes two.


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

Any news JAG?


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

notreadytoquit said:


> Any news JAG?


No...not really
My son is starting baseball right now, so we've had to communicate and work together for him. So, it feels very much like a friendship, and we need to be that for our son.

No real drama...but then again, we've always lacked passion lol

Thanks for checking on me!

How are you doing???


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

Don't give up trust me the other option where I am it's not pretty. Have a serious chat with him asap. You initiate the discussion.

I am doing ok. Just crazy busy at work. I still have my ups and downs. I try to have more up moments than down but it does not always work that way.


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## NRG (Nov 9, 2010)

JustAGirl said:


> Resentment? Really? You can feel it? lol kidding
> *sigh* where do I start?
> We don't communicate
> I try, he gets mad and defensive
> ...


Have you sent this specifically to him, and let him know you want to work on it, but these things need to be done? I ask, because men are straight communicators. They need some akin to a task list for it to be done.


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

NRG said:


> Have you sent this specifically to him, and let him know you want to work on it, but these things need to be done? I ask, because men are straight communicators. They need some akin to a task list for it to be done.


I have....
Guess he doesn't like his "honey-do" list


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## NRG (Nov 9, 2010)

JustAGirl said:


> I have....
> Guess he doesn't like his "honey-do" list


LOL. What a d1ck. Have you talked to him about it?


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

Yeah....I get no where, so I moved out!

All I get now is, I love you, I miss you, you can come home.

What I want is....
1. What do you want me to DO to prove I love you?
2. Although, I don't believe in therapy, I will go and give it 100% and try to have an open mind

That's what it's gonna take...
And yes, I've told him this.....

*head-desk*


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

JustAGirl said:


> What I want is....
> 1. What do you want me to DO to prove I love you?
> 2. Although, I don't believe in therapy, I will go and give it 100% and try to have an open mind
> 
> ...


better the desk than the wall (you will either break your head or break the wall!)


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## NRG (Nov 9, 2010)

JustAGirl said:


> Yeah....I get no where, so I moved out!
> 
> All I get now is, I love you, I miss you, you can come home.
> 
> ...


I know I sound like a broken record, have you conveyed this in the same terms? ... well sh1t. Desk is better than nothing. Have him PM me.


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

Crankshaw said:


> better the desk than the wall (you will either break your head or break the wall!)


Haha! You funneeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey! lol


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

JustAGirl said:


> Haha! You funneeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey! lol


to bring a bit cheer to someones life is a great thing to do.


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

NRG said:


> I know I sound like a broken record, have you conveyed this in the same terms? ... well sh1t. Desk is better than nothing. Have him PM me.


Yes....broken record! lol

Someone needs to talk to him....

Listen, he's a good person, a good father and man....
But he is so stubborn....I need to slam his head on a desk!!


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

Crankshaw said:


> to bring a bit cheer to someones life is a great thing to do.


You're right! :smthumbup:


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