# I need to be taken!



## Needy_Wife (Mar 10, 2010)

I've been married for almost 4 years now. Many ups and downs, but some how we still pull through. It's getting to the point that I can almost put up with all the crap if he would just give me some sex. I mean, my God, I'm 28, not 80. I need sex, it's not even a want. 
When we do have sex, (which isn't often), it's the same old thing. Me doing all the work, and never getting off. I want some a**-slapping, hair pulling, can't get enough kind of sex. I have told him this many times, but my husband is a big guy, and he gets tired walking across the living room. He won't do anything to change this either. 

I am at my wits end. I honestly don't know how much longer I can't take this. Dealing with his attitude, his lack of energy to do anything, his ****ty parenting...and the sex. 
What do I do? Pleasing myself is getting reallllly old!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

Will he entertain the subject of relationship counseling?


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

You are way too young to be this sexually dissatisfied.

You have to find a way to get this across to him, or you have to make it clear that you will leave. I just don't think he's hearing you.

also, if he is that obese, that's a major health problem as well. You know that.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

Have you sat him down and asked him whats wrong? Is he on any medication that could be causing a lack in his sex drive? Is he under a doctors car for medical/mental issues. Sometimes certain medications can zap a persons libido. Is he depressed/stressed etc?


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## Needy_Wife (Mar 10, 2010)

lamaga said:


> You are way too young to be this sexually dissatisfied.
> 
> You have to find a way to get this across to him, or you have to make it clear that you will leave. I just don't think he's hearing you.
> 
> also, if he is that obese, that's a major health problem as well. You know that.


I know. I have left him before, and it was for the same reasons as above. My dad died though, and I went back to him because he was a comfort to me. 
It's gone right back to the same crap though. 
He refuses counseling, he thinks it's stupid to tell a stranger about our problems and just refuses to do it. 
His obesity really is a problem though. He won't change though. Plain and simple, he is ok with his life. He thinks I'm a nympho, and can't understand why sex is so important to me.
Since the beginning of the year, we have had sex, twice. One time, neither of us finished. 
I am so sexually frustrated! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Needy_Wife (Mar 10, 2010)

Jamison said:


> Have you sat him down and asked him whats wrong? Is he on any medication that could be causing a lack in his sex drive? Is he under a doctors car for medical/mental issues. Sometimes certain medications can zap a persons libido. Is he depressed/stressed etc?


No, he isn't on any meds. He refuses to see a doctor. I am sure he is depressed, but won't talk to me about it, or see a doctor.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Well, of course you are sexually frustrated.

You have an untenable situation and a spouse who refuses to get any help. I know what I'd do, but I cannot tell you what to do. I think you know, though.


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## Needy_Wife (Mar 10, 2010)

I do. But our youngest will be 1yo next month. He had health problems, and so I just started working again a couple weeks ago. It's going to take time to build the resources I will need to leave.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Yea...if my husband was that fat, didn't want to help himself or take my feelings into consideration about the situation, I'd have to go. I change my flaws. I work on making myself better, and I love good sex. I couldn't hang with a spouse who wasn't HD -or- trying to help his libido...


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

Unfortunately you can't make him want to lose the weight or see a doctor/counselor. Its something he is going to have to decide to do himself. Until you get the resources you need to leave, try to be as understanding and supportive as you can. If someone is depressed its hard to get them to see the light.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

lamaga said:


> Well, of course you are sexually frustrated.
> 
> You have an untenable situation and a spouse who refuses to get any help. I know what I'd do, but I cannot tell you what to do. I think you know, though.


I really don't like people dont think sex is a corner stone of marriage. Its part of being the best for your partner.

My only suggestion is to be firm....be awesome...be supportive to him.....hopefully he will get it and change. If you don't get a response, get counseling.

:smthumbup:


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## anonim (Apr 24, 2012)

lamaga said:


> Well, of course you are sexually frustrated.
> 
> You have an untenable situation and a spouse who refuses to get any help. I know what I'd do, but I cannot tell you what to do. I think you know, though.


sounds like your advocating an affair ^^


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

anonim said:


> sounds like your advocating an affair ^^


No, she was advocating leaving.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

that_girl said:


> No, she was advocating leaving.


That was what I got out of the comment too.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

anonim said:


> sounds like your advocating an affair ^^


What? That's a radical interpretation of the text.

I was advocating leaving.

Got some issues there, anonim?


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Needy_Wife said:


> I know. I have left him before, and it was for the same reasons as above. My dad died though, and I went back to him because he was a comfort to me.
> It's gone right back to the same crap though.
> He refuses counseling, he thinks it's stupid to tell a stranger about our problems and just refuses to do it.
> His obesity really is a problem though. He won't change though. Plain and simple, he is ok with his life. He thinks I'm a nympho, and can't understand why sex is so important to me.
> ...


Understandable. I get cranky if I don't get it within two weeks, nevermind twice in six months.

My advice would be to sit him down, explain everything you are saying here, and leave it in his court. Don't BLAME him, but point out this is a problem for both of you and you are willing to work towards a solution. just be clear to state that you NEED sex. Not want it, NEED it.

Then leave it alone, leave it up to him. You said you need time to build up the resources to leave, so it's obvious that's on your mind. After a few months or so, if nothings changed, then have a second sit down discussion, this time with an ultimatum. If he's not willing to change, you will effect change (whether that's divorce, an open marriage, whatever). Once again, leave it up to him to make the change you need, but also be ready to make changes if he comes back at you with things you can do to make the situation better as well.

I feel for you, I really do. hile my marriage wasn't like this, there was plenty of times without sex as well, and it is frustrating as heck to want someone so bad you could rip your eyeballs out, but to have them elect to watch TV or do a puzzle over havbing sex with you. It is insulting, hurtful, depressing, sad, embarrassing, disrespectful and demoralizing and I hope you find your situation better off in the future.

My condolences on your father passing as well. I hope you will be ok. God bless.


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## Paulination (Feb 6, 2012)

Needy_Wife said:


> Since the beginning of the year, we have had sex, twice. One time, neither of us finished.
> I am so sexually frustrated!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I seriously don't understand people. My wife at 34, has become LD over the years and she and the MC has me convinced it is due to some resentment with me not listening to her over the years......I have always been a good husband but for the last six months I have been a model one. I'm also in good shape and a very unselfish lover and yet I'm lucky if I get it once a week.

And then here you are with fatso who could care less about your needs and you want to bang him silly. WTF??

I was going to say that your husband and I ought to trade places for awhile and see how he likes it but then I notices you said you guys only did it twice this year so even my wife would be too much for him.

Your hubby doesn't know how good he has it, shame.


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## anonim (Apr 24, 2012)

lamaga said:


> What? That's a radical interpretation of the text.
> 
> I was advocating leaving.
> 
> Got some issues there, anonim?


more than some, less than others.

why not say something along the lines of 'I would leave if i was in your situation,' which leaves nothing to misinterpret that way, but then again i dont do meta communications well.


ominous statements sound... ... ominous...

carry on.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

anonim said:


> things unspoken sound ominous...


Well, to you, apparently.

Others get all verklempt when people openly advocate leaving.

So, it's a no win situation here. Thanks for reinforcing that.


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## Needy_Wife (Mar 10, 2010)

That's the problem though. I have done all these things. I've talked to him. I have begged him. He knows how important sex is to me. He refuses to get outside help. I have left him before. 
I know what ultimately needs to happen, but that's going to take time. 
But I also feel like I might explode, the sexual tension inside me is uncontrollable. 
I know that I enjoy a completely different kind of sex then my husband, and I can live with that as long as its there. The fact that I get nothing....

Anyone recommend some good toys? 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Oh, well, you don't need toys. Toys are not going to fix this, and you know it.

I'm sorry, hon.


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## MindOverMatter (Jul 1, 2012)

Needy_Wife said:


> That's the problem though. I have done all these things. I've talked to him. I have begged him. He knows how important sex is to me. He refuses to get outside help. I have left him before.
> I know what ultimately needs to happen, but that's going to take time.
> But I also feel like I might explode, the sexual tension inside me is uncontrollable.
> I know that I enjoy a completely different kind of sex then my husband, and I can live with that as long as its there. The fact that I get nothing....
> ...


Toys might -- and that's a big might -- alleviate some of your sexual tension. But they definitely won't fix things to the point where you will be in a healthy relationship.

Every single time I read about an HD wife married to an LD husband, I ask myself "How is it that there are so many mismatched people in this world?" (me being in one of those mismatches, of course).

It's a shame -- you seem WAY too young to be this sexually frustrated. I wish you the best, and hope you are able to find happiness!


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

I would use the your addicted to food angle. when people get so overweight that it effects the [eople around them not to mention health problems which most deffinatly will shorten his life. then its like beeing addicted to alcohol or drugs or porn or work or anything that could negativly impact your family as a whole. 

not to mention he feels selfconsious about it or because of his weight his libedo is down. 

I would tell him that if I was married to an alcoholic and it was effecting me and my family negativaly I would ask for change and this is no different.


if he would change his life style and lose some weight I bet his libedo would go up.


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## Vanton68 (Feb 5, 2012)

that_girl said:


> Yea...if my husband was that fat, didn't want to help himself or take my feelings into consideration about the situation, I'd have to go. I change my flaws. I work on making myself better, and I love good sex. I couldn't hang with a spouse who wasn't HD -or- trying to help his libido...


True! To me the SO not making an effort is a reflection of the whole relationship.

Side note: Every time I read the Thread Title I think about Liam Neeson killing everyone to get his daughter back :rofl:
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Vanton68 (Feb 5, 2012)

Needy_Wife said:


> That's the problem though. I have done all these things. I've talked to him. I have begged him. He knows how important sex is to me. He refuses to get outside help. I have left him before.
> I know what ultimately needs to happen, but that's going to take time.
> But I also feel like I might explode, the sexual tension inside me is uncontrollable.
> I know that I enjoy a completely different kind of sex then my husband, and I can live with that as long as its there. The fact that I get nothing....
> ...


What lamaga said about toys.

And what are your options now? 
Stay and be miserable.
Leave and try to find hot sex
Stay and try to find hot sex in an A (This and option 2, might take some work. Not every guy you are going to meet is going to be unselfish. As they say you may have to kiss a lot of frogs to find a prince)

Because you have tried everything you have a very limited path at this point. The options above are the only solutions this man can think of. I feel for you, your decision can not be an easy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 7737 (Feb 10, 2011)

In marriage there is no 'one size fits all'.
We all have laws, rules and 'commandments' that guide us through life.
Yes, 'thou shalt not kill'.....but what if someone was attacking your child with an axe and you killed the attacker to save your child. You have still 'killed'....you stole the loaf of bread because you were hungry and had no money....

Maybe having an affair CAN save a marriage? The Op has a 1 year old child....her options are, lets face it, few.
Maybe, just maybe, if she were tempted to seek sexual gratification elsewhere, it would give her the strength to carry on...maybe the sexual pressure in the house would be released and it would be better all round.

We all know murder, stealing, adultery is wrong...but life isnt quite so 'black and white'....there IS a shade of grey.

So Anonim....I am going to put my head above the parapet and say to NeedyWife... 'how about an affair?'.....


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

7737 said:


> Maybe having an affair CAN save a marriage? The Op has a 1 year old child....her options are, lets face it, few.
> Maybe, just maybe, if she were tempted to seek sexual gratification elsewhere, it would give her the strength to carry on...maybe the sexual pressure in the house would be released and it would be better all round.
> 
> So Anonim....I am going to put my head above the parapet and say to NeedyWife... 'how about an affair?'.....


No, No, No! Having an affair is the coward's solution. If her husband does not want to work on his issues, she should divorce and find a man who will be a good partner. Affairs never solve anything. She should communicate how serious this is, and let her husband decide what he wants to do about it.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Needy_Wife said:


> That's the problem though. I have done all these things. I've talked to him. I have begged him. He knows how important sex is to me. He refuses to get outside help. I have left him before.
> I know what ultimately needs to happen, but that's going to take time. _Posted via Mobile Device_


Frankly, if you've gone to these extremes and he just doesn't seem to give a ****, then he likely just doesn't give a ****.

I think it's time to lay an ultimatum and follow through with it. If you have to wait until you have the resources to do so, then do that, but get an ultimatum in your head and be ready to lay it on the line and follow through with it.

I wonder if he knows that you need him for support (emotional, financial, etc.) and therefore isn't to worried about changing because he thinks you can't leave. Getting yourself into a position to leave if you need to, and then letting him know you will leave if he doesn't change, may just be what kickstarts things.



7737 said:


> Maybe having an affair CAN save a marriage? The Op has a 1 year old child....her options are, lets face it, few.
> Maybe, just maybe, if she were tempted to seek sexual gratification elsewhere, it would give her the strength to carry on...maybe the sexual pressure in the house would be released and it would be better all round.
> 
> We all know murder, stealing, adultery is wrong...but life isnt quite so 'black and white'....there IS a shade of grey.
> ...


7737, I will applaud you for having the gumption to raise the possibility, though I don't agree with it.

I can udnerstand where you are coming from, and while I do think there is times where an affair can be argued as a reasonable idea, I don't think so here. I think lovesherman has it right, there should be a divorce in this case before an affair. Like it or not, both the OP and her husband took vows to be faithful that way and while it can be argued he broke those vows by not helping her met her sexual needs, two wrongs do not make a right.

Still, props to you for sticking your neck out there and saying what likely many of us were privately debating.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

7737 said:


> So Anonim....I am going to put my head above the parapet and say to NeedyWife... 'how about an affair?'.....


7737, you my friend have been spending way too much time on the cheaters website I think.

It has pretty much been established by everyone on this site anyway, that affairs are never a solution and hurt everyone involved.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Needy_Wife said:


> That's the problem though. I have done all these things. I've talked to him. I have begged him. He knows how important sex is to me. He refuses to get outside help. I have left him before.
> I know what ultimately needs to happen, but that's going to take time.
> But I also feel like I might explode, the sexual tension inside me is uncontrollable.
> I know that I enjoy a completely different kind of sex then my husband, and I can live with that as long as its there. The fact that I get nothing....
> ...


Hi needy ~

I think your user name says it all - neediness... YOUR neediness.

Is it possible that your level of neediness is not emotionally healthy for you, perhaps because it needs to be constantly fed by sexual attention from your husband?

Do You Want Your Partner To Stroke Your Ego Or Your Genitals? | Psychology Today

YOU have control over your own life, your own emotions, and even your own neediness. Think hard about what you really want out of your marriage with your husband, then be very honest with your husband and the boundaries that you establish.

Are you willing to work with an escalation plan - working through MC, or working through IC on your own - in order to try and save your marriage?

Because it will take BOTH of you to save the marriage, but it only takes ONE of you to start the ball rolling ... someone once wisely said "_I must do something" always solves more problems than "Something must be done_." 

Best wishes.


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## DocD (Jul 6, 2012)

Well I hate to be so blunt, but you need to make other plans for your own happiness. If this is what life holds for you at 28, an age when you should be peaking sexually, then you really need to find another partner who can GIVE as willingly as you do. Let's not kid ourselves, it will not get better. Be brave, you deserve to be happy.


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

Get him this book: The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011 | MMSL Primer | By Athol Kay | Married Man Sex Life

You're welcum.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

OMG.. I could have written this post myself. 

You have already talked to him about the problem and he isn't budging. 

Pleasing your self does get really old and in my case it made my drive worse. 

I remember using the line on my husband "Put out or get out" had little effect. As a matter in fact we had the sex conversation at least once a month. You can only beat a dead horse for so long.


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## Anomnom (Jun 25, 2012)

Needy_Wife said:


> He won't change though. Plain and simple, he is ok with his life. He thinks I'm a nympho, and can't understand why sex is so important to me.
> Since the beginning of the year, we have had sex, twice. One time, neither of us finished.
> I am so sexually frustrated!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I feel your pain, I'm in exactly the same boat. We've done it 3 times this year, me initiating those times too. 

He says 'we're not teenagers' when I bring up the subject yet again (I'm 34, he's 40!) and has called me a bad mother because I want to have sex more..heaven forbid huh


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Anomnom said:


> I feel your pain, I'm in exactly the same boat. We've done it 3 times this year, me initiating those times too.
> 
> He says 'we're not teenagers' when I bring up the subject yet again (I'm 34, he's 40!) and has called me a bad mother because I want to have sex more..heaven forbid huh


He does remember how you became a mother right (assuming it wasn't invetro)?


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## Anomnom (Jun 25, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> He does remember how you became a mother right (assuming it wasn't invetro)?


I know specifically the date of conception too..as unromantic as you can get..me saying 'I know I'll get pregnant if we do it today'. Nice way to get your husband to have sex with you


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Anomnom said:


> I know specifically the date of conception too..as unromantic as you can get..me saying 'I know I'll get pregnant if we do it today'. Nice way to get your husband to have sex with you


I knew the exact moment my child was conceived too... we were in the midst of renovations and had moved our master bedroom into the basement recroom... I knew her cycle, and we were so busy and tired we only had one shot at it, but the moment we were finished I just knew, it was a moment of complete clarity, almost spiritual - really it was, the one single purpose of my entire life almost. Complete and utter confidence from that moment throughout the pregnancy... then 9 months later the instant moment my son's head poked out I felt completely lost, the complete clarity was gone and it's pretty much been that way since.

Looking back at the romance, at the time it felt very deep to me, but not for her and now I realize it was not really pleasant after all, my incredible emotional well being feels like it was so overbearing on the whole thing and I feel really bad for how she felt ever since.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

Guy is too fat, has problems in sexual drive... Sounds like a possible case of Diabetes...


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