# Checking in... Where's everyone at in their journey?



## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

Hi all. Just thought I'd check in since it's been a bit. My "I love you and I always will" thread was uber long so I thought I'd just make a new one. 

I'm still going back and forth with the proposed marital settlement agreements with STBX, but this last one was sent on Oct 31 and my lawyer has heard nothing and he hasn't mentioned it to me. We are on fairly decent terms, but he turns into an a-hole quite frequently. He's persistent in wanting me to be okay with the children staying home alone with his homewrecking skank while he's at work during his holiday visitations. We've gone back and forth about an additional weekday overnight. That convo took place at the school I teach at in the parking lot and ended with me walking away. And him yelling after me like some sort of child. "Get back here, we need to settle this!" Uh, no, that's not quite how you get me to conversate with you. I'm holding strong, except that I'm sort of trapped for Thanksgiving and might have to let them stay with her for two of the days. Only other option is to sit home alone on Thanksgiving, but I'd rather go visit family. Visitation seems fairly settled besides that. Everything else in the agreement seemed fine with him last time I checked. 

I'm a little more than 8 months past the beginning of our separation and I'm happier and stronger than ever. I enjoy my alone time, and I am okay with this life. I have some work to do to get myself straightened out financially, so that's a wreck. But I guess divorce does take a toll and I can't beat myself up too much about it. All I can do is work my hardest to repair my credit and have a fresh start. I've met someone incredibly cool and refreshing, and even though he's long distance, I can really see potential there. Amazing how you hold onto your marriage with all your might and look past all the flaws that existed. My current relationship is more solid and stable than my marriage ever was. Of course, it isn't ideal that I met him before my divorce was final, but I couldn't pass up this opportunity. The children adore him, he adores the children, and I'm happy. What more can I ask for? This divorce is going to be really nice to have over and done with. I've been working on it since APRIL! 

Hope everyone is hanging in there. I've watched some graduate to the Life After Divorce forums, new people arrive here at Going Through, and others just disappear. I know this journey isn't easy and we all handle it a different way. But just wanted to send you all some strength to help you through and offer some inspiration that things will be better one day soon. :smthumbup:

Anyone else close to the end of their separation/divorce journey?


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

Still separated. Communication might be improving, but only time will tell. 

I'm not enjoying the time alone, but I'm no longer depressed either. 

No immediate end in sight either way.

Good to hear things are still good for you. Blessings.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

anx said:


> Still separated. Communication might be improving, but only time will tell.
> 
> I'm not enjoying the time alone, but I'm no longer depressed either.
> 
> ...


Thanks, anx. So sad to hear you are going through this again. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right? Keep your chin up. Hope the light at the end of the tunnel shines through for you soon!


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## Craggy456 (Feb 22, 2011)

He's passed his 30 days to respond, we're taking it into default. He's hiding all his direct deposits and refuses to help me pay my medical bills or my car repairs. I'm paying $50 a day for a beat up rental car until mine is fixed. My credit cards are only a few hundred away from maxing out.
He's not helping to fill out any paperwork regarding the sale of the house. All the stress I've been through has cause me to have alot of write ups at work and one more "screw up" and I'm fired.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

I've been separated almost a year after he started drinking, stopped working and moved in with his ailing father, who promptly dropped dead 6 weeks later and left him a sizeable inheritance which under the law I have no claim to. 

Fortunately I carried on our family business and I have my own place with my kids and with the exception of the health insurance, which he pays and some other assorted expenses like clothing, I am able to support myself and the kids. 

He lives about 5 miles away in his father's house and has been on a rollercoaster of drinking, getting sober and then drinking again. Then a few months ago he informed me that he has had pancreatic cancer for two years and that was the reason he "got depressed" and stopped working. 

Yet he somehow managed to keep this from me and is conveniently now in remission and without the drinking he seems pretty damn healthy so though there is nothing concrete to support that he even has cancer. At this point I wonder if this a fabrication because that's pretty much his excuse for all his bad behavior and actions and he uses it all the time to gain sympathy..."Be nice to me 'cause I'm dying..." etc, etc...

So we've been on the emotional roller coaster with him treating me and the kids both well and badly over the past year. I've gotten to a point where I've finally put emotional distance between us. Ironically now he is wanting to live together again, tells me he loves and misses me, sends me flowers, etc. I find that all very nice but I have no desire to share my home or life with him again. 

But I have no plans to divorce him. If he does have a terminal disease it would do me no good to divorce him. 

If he isn't dying then he's truly mentally ill to have made up such a thing and it's status quo, which is a heck of a lot better than paying a divorce attorney and going through all that crap. Once the kids are out of the house (my daughter is a senior in high school, my son has 4 years of high school left) I'll make a decision about what it is that I'm going to do with the rest of my life. Still got a few years before then though. 

Right now divorce would just turn him into a nastier bastard who would make my life miserable. I see no point in that. It's far better and easier to be friends and it's much easier on my kids, especially my son, who is still attached somewhat to his father.

So I live my life day to day and enjoy it. I like having my own place and life with the kids is good. I have many activities and hobbies, some nice friends, I enjoy my work and don't mind hanging out with my H from time to time provided he isn't mean to me. If he is, I just leave and go home. The best part is that I am no longer emotionally invested in him the way I was. 

I have no plans to date or see other people. I don't want it, need it and it would just complicate things. I'm happy to be by myself, doing my own thing.


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## OutOfTheBlue (Nov 4, 2011)

Freak On a Leash said:


> I've been separated almost a year after he started drinking, stopped working and moved in with his ailing father, who promptly dropped dead 6 weeks later and left him a sizeable inheritance which under the law I have no claim to.
> 
> Fortunately I carried on our family business and I have my own place with my kids and with the exception of the health insurance, which he pays and some other assorted expenses like clothing, I am able to support myself and the kids.
> 
> ...


Well done for the stance you are taking. If he has pancreatic cancer and is in remission, then he is one of the very fortunate few who survive one of the most difficult to detect cancers and therefore one of the most fatal cancers.

If he is stringing you a line, then shame on him for using something that causes so much grief to so many innocent people, just to get your sympathy - if true, then he is sick.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

OutOfTheBlue said:


> Well done for the stance you are taking. If he has pancreatic cancer and is in remission, then he is one of the very fortunate few who survive one of the most difficult to detect cancers and therefore one of the most fatal cancers.
> 
> If he is stringing you a line, then shame on him for using something that causes so much grief to so many innocent people, just to get your sympathy - if true, then he is sick.


My H has been acting in such an erratic way for the past two years...it's a question of not knowing what comes first..the proverbial chicken or the egg. 

Was his drinking, depression and emotional/verbal abuse the RESULT of the "cancer". OR is the "cancer" the result of his emotional problems? 

All I can point to is that up to now, physically all his problems have been bound up in his drinking. As soon as he stops drinking he's quite healthy. Before he went into the hospital this past time he was vomiting and looked awful and kept saying he was dying. But he went in the hospital and the doctors treated his drinking problem. In fact, they seemed amazed that he HAD cancer. There was no record of his getting any cancer treatments at our local hospital of this. When I mentioned that he said "I went to the University of Pennsylvania and got treatments from a researcher there."

Now he is sober and is rehabilitated and seems fine. He's even eating normally again. Interesting....:scratchhead:

And a lot of things don't quite add up. He has pretty amazing stories: That he's had "special" treatments that have extended his life. That they wanted to amputate his leg and put him on oxygen because the cancer has spread to his bones and lungs. Yet now he's in remission? It's ALL gone? :scratchhead: :wtf:

Plus, when we lived together I kept pretty tight tabs on where he was. I ran our family business. When he started blowing off work I knew about it. If he was indeed away getting "treatment" then I would've known about it. I talked to someone I know who is a nurse and she said he'd have regular appointments for the chemotherapy along with blood tests. He told me that he he just went in "when it was needed"...so something is amiss. 

When we moved last year I packed everything up and found NOTHING to support his story. This past time he was in the hospital, I searched his house when he was in the hospital this past time and found NOTHING in there about any treatments or doctor's visits. No receipts, no health insurance statements, no prescriptions.... NOTHING. 

So many things just don't add up in a lot of ways....And he says the only one he told was his father, who is very conveniently dead. 

I also find it interesting that he told me just as I was starting to put emotional distance between us. The night he told me was right before I was going away on a trip without him and the first thing he did was beg me to stay with him. When I initially refused he started hurling guilt at me ("If you cared about me".) Then he started threatening to cut me out of his will and life insurance until I finally gave in. 

My H has a medical background and would know enough to piece together a story and the way he's been acting he's definitely not beyond fabricating something to gain sympathy. He doesn't just want sympathy, he craves and demands it. Plus, my own father died of cancer several years back. He knows how much that disease affects me emotionally. 

He had pancreatitis 14 years ago and that can be a component in later developing pancreatic cancer. Plus he describes how he feels from chemotherapy and there's just enough there to wonder if I'm just being paranoid..

Plus, to make up such a thing? He even brought his closest friends into his house to tell them about his illness, though I found it interesting that when the time came to actually tell them he had ME tell them! 

So he continues on as he did, spending his money, not working and now he talks about "getting his family back. " The doctor's say if he drinks, he dies. That he did do: He totally destroyed himself by drinking to the point that it's a death sentence. 

But the cancer? I still can't be sure. So I'm waiting and watching. If he's lying, I'll find out. If he's telling the truth then I'll be there for him. In the meantime, I've been doing a bit of research here and there trying to piece it all together. 

In the meantime it does no harm to just wait and see. I would just find it amazing that even he would make up such a thing.


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## 67flh (Sep 26, 2011)

freak on a leash, as someone whos lost my dad, brother,uncle,and a aunt from this horrible disease, i can tell you that he is doing some serious smoke blowing...steve jobs with all his BILLIONS couldnt beat this disease.


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## madaboutlove (Aug 28, 2011)

I had my second meeting with the divorce mediator tonight, it did not go well. We were making some progress on the division of assets and all of a sudden, the STBXH says, well maybe by the time 2 years comes, you will be married again. As I sit there in tears through the whole thing, I don't want this to be happening, he thinks, what, maybe I can get out of sharing some of my money with the woman I was married to for 28 years, the woman who should have been able to count on me to keep her safe in her retirement, feel free to work on her career, which she gave up to raise our kids and keep our home. Oh and just to get me off the hook a little bit, could you marry someone else sooner rather than later? I said, "I am done with this" and walked out. He actually had the ba**s to text me and ask if I was ok and did I want to talk!! Wish I had better news for the update. I have been taking care of myself, continue to go to IC, workout and spend a lot of time with family and friends. At least it won't be happening before the holidays.


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## desert-rose (Aug 16, 2011)

D-Day was 3 months ago. WH and I are separated, neither of us wanted to be, so it feels weird to use the word, but we're continents apart and not talking so that's what it is. We've only been married a year and four months (together 7+ years total) and after a family intervention gone very awry a month after our 1st anniversary (arguing got out of hand, family stepped in, tempers flared on all sides), he left and I didn't go with him (we were due to travel abroad for a couple of months to his hometown). We ended up in different cities. He's furious at me that his behavior and affairs have been exposed to my family and his and feels like I've abandoned and betrayed him. Very verbally abusive the two times we've spoken. He won't admit to the affairs or bad behavior (despite clear evidence, he's spinning stories), but is blameshifting and gaslighting me, derailing the conversation with anger and distraction, character-assassinating me to damage my credibility and save his pride. Only his mom buys his story and she is enabling him in this behavior because she never wants him to leave her house again. My family is still pressuring me heavily for divorce and wanting me to move back to town. I'm hoping every day that it will be the day he admits his behavior and we can move forward and try to work out our problems, but every day I'm heartbroken that it isn't so. He's mad at me and won't call. We've had some email communication, but that has stopped, too. I broke down and called once a couple of weeks ago, but no change in his attitude for 2 months, though he claims he has stopped speaking to the APs. He's still very ill, getting medical treatment, but still cannot control his anger or his mood swings. I worry about him every day and feel guilty that I can't be there to be supportive. I hate that he can't see that he's hurt me. He insists that I move abroad if I want to be with him but, there, it will be easier for him to be unemployed, abusive, unfaithful, and unremorseful about having betrayed my family. It would be a colossal rug-sweeping move and he certainly hasn't earned the right to such a demand. I've been advised that this would unsafe and foolish, considering that he won't admit to any wrong-doing and instead sees me as a traitor to him. I'm still hoping that he gets well soon and becomes again the logical and loving man I once knew him to be and not this cheating meanie. I'm devastated. Every day feels worse than the day before because I can't let go of hope and because I miss him terribly. I'm trying to be strong, to wait for him to realize his own actions, and fighting the urge to call him and plead for him to just have some integrity and at least talk to me about this mess honestly (one way or the other). I know that's the best approach, but limbo is killing me.  Neither of us wants a divorce, but we are at a stalemate because he has too much pride to admit that he made serious mistakes and without that, no change is remotely possible. Seriously, the word sorry goes a long way for such a small word if it's meant sincerely....Sigh. It's not a hope-filled situation and I'm sad and obsessing about it daily. Not doing well at all.


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## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

It was my 90th day of NC yesterday since I moved out of the marital home which finally sold.
It has not been easy at times. Actually, really hard. I still can't believe that he stopped loving me. I have seen him lurking in my neighborhood and FB was hacked a couple of times.
I ask myself hard questions when I am feeling lonely, Would I take him back? Honestly, after a PA chances are slim.
Unfortunately, I really can't turn to family (dysfunctional) and so I have leaned on God and friends.
Today is one of those days. Ex is away for 2 months and no doubt enjoying himself with his family. They don't know about the PA.
It's all a mess but today I am that mess. Sometimes I am angry and I want Karma to get him and then other times I can focus on myself.
Tomorrow will be better. And that's how I get through this grief, one day a time.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

67flh said:


> freak on a leash, as someone whos lost my dad, brother,uncle,and a aunt from this horrible disease, i can tell you that he is doing some serious smoke blowing...steve jobs with all his BILLIONS couldnt beat this disease.


My father died of cancer. He didn't last a year. Steve Jobs did last 8 years, but he also had a type of pancreatic cancer that allowed him to get a surgical procedure that helped in that respect. But it did get him in the end. 

According to my H, his "condition" is non-operable. They just can't do anything more for him. Oh, he ALSO told me that the "researcher" that used him a guinea pig was none other than the same fellow that Steve Jobs consulted.  Yes, my H says he had the same doctor as Steve Jobs! Amazing! 

Damn, is he a narcissistic type or WHAT? :slap:

Of course there are some who have survived pancreatic cancer and are still alive after 10 years. Wikipedia has them listed. There aren't many. When I brought up the low survival rate to my H he said "Well, SOMEONE is in that 5%, why couldn't it be me?"

It's not that I want him to have cancer, but I'm just finding it more and more doubtful. :scratchhead:


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Sparkles422 said:


> It was my 90th day of NC yesterday since I moved out of the marital home which finally sold.
> 
> I ask myself hard questions when I am feeling lonely, Would I take him back? Honestly, after a PA chances are slim.
> Unfortunately, I really can't turn to family (dysfunctional) and so I have leaned on God and friends.
> ...


It WILL get better! NC helps a LOT. It's either that or he'll make you so angry and hurt that eventually the pain of being with him will overwhelm the pain of not having him. But it's a long, hard journey towards healing or at least not caring. 

Hang in there and get yourself out and about. Hobbies are great things to have. Even if it's just going for walks.


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## OutOfTheBlue (Nov 4, 2011)

Freak On a Leash said:


> My father died of cancer. He didn't last a year. Steve Jobs did last 8 years, but he also had a type of pancreatic cancer that allowed him to get a surgical procedure that helped in that respect. But it did get him in the end.
> 
> According to my H, his "condition" is non-operable. They just can't do anything more for him. Oh, he ALSO told me that the "researcher" that used him a guinea pig was none other than the same fellow that Steve Jobs consulted.  Yes, my H says he had the same doctor as Steve Jobs! Amazing!
> 
> ...


I think you already know what is happening here. Sorry to say this but your H is sick but I doubt it is in the pancreas, more like the brain.

Keep up your stance.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

OutOfTheBlue said:


> I think you already know what is happening here. Sorry to say this but your H is sick but I doubt it is in the pancreas, more like the brain.
> 
> Keep up your stance.


I KNOW he's been sick in his brain. That's not an issue. At any rate, I don't plan to altar my MO at all at this point. I see no point in confrontation...far easier to just let things ride. Fortunately I'm rather practical like that. 

I guess I can't believe that a man who was once good and decent turned into this mess. It's sad to see. I've known him since I was 17. He's always been a bit arrogant and sanctimonious but to MAKE UP a fatal disease? Damn, I've had issues in the past but he's beaten anything I've ever come with. 

I wonder if he believes his own bullsh*t? Sometimes I really think he does, which is even scarier. Now he talks about us living together again? :rofl:

He's just living in his own Private Idaho, to quote an old B-52s song...


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

If I was any better, I would have to clone myself ;o) Quietly waiting to hear from the stupid one aout the final disposition of the divorce. I figure January or February. No romance for me, and just continuing to heal and move forward. Loving a alone time....now and not worrying about nothing. Don't try to spy on the STBEX, I don't know and don't care if he is seeing someong...but I do feel I should issue a warning that is wandering the streets LOLOL Reading books on the rediscovery of the real me and what I need, want and can take and what is an absolute no go for me. Just living life like it is golden ;o) Glad to read so many good reports.


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