# So angry but can't let it go!



## aeasty (Jun 5, 2013)

My problems after reading a few threads here don't seem half as bad but still trying to make a decision on the marriage
We are both 23 and have a 1 and a half year old I work full time and make a better the most living but with it comes travel usually 1 to 2 weeks a month and so much stress I'm the first one in my family to get grey hairs before 50. I have been with my wife since we were 17, in 6 years we have been through some ups and downs, she suffered from depression for a while and over came it now, we got married, had a perfect baby boy( little bit bias I know), bought a house and all the other ups and downs you get with a baby and a new home. In the last year we haven't really had a sex life and things are only getting worse, it has left me questioning the dynamic of our relationship and from my view and from some others(not just my family and friends) it has been an absolute battle to try and make it work. I have spoken to her on 4 occasions in the last 9 months and tried to explain my unhappiness in the relationship and even told her what I wanted exactly. I said I wanted to go away on weekend trips more (camping/fishing/motorbike riding/4wd'ing/swimming just outdoors having fun as a family and as a couple and with friends) I also said I wanted a more active sex life how I'm not happy with once or twice every other month isn't for me and I can do more or not at all meaning no more kids it was really bothering me always trying to romance her and sacrificing time on other things like sleep and finishing off around the house and work and being constantly rejected the 3 times before this she feed me the normal bs lines of I ll try but I'm tired with looking after our son (I do it most of the time when I'm home and I cook and clean and have a cleaning lady) but last time she told me "I only like romance, please don't talk about sex.....I only do it because you want it and I don't want you to leave" this has been eating at me for a month now I tried to ask what she doesn't like about making love she said "I'm like Kurt from glee"(I stared blankly at her like WTF) "He likes romance but soon as sex is mentioned puts his hand over his ears and sings lalalalalala I just don't want to know about it" I tried to ask if I had done anything bad recently to which she went to bed and closed the door she came out about an hour later and asked me to pick her back (it's a weird little thing we do I basically just scratch her back as if it was covered in itchy bites one at a time) when I said when I come to bed. I don't sleep well when I'm thinking this much, she stormed off and closed the door again, I went to go to sleep about an hour later and she had locked it locking me out of the room which had my keys and my wallet I would have just gone to a hotel for the night if I could of got my wallet I knocked a few times but she didn't answer I ending up couch surfing that night I woke up so angry and haven't been able to let it go since I didn't speak a word to her for 4 days I couldn't bring myself to even touch or look at her I sent her 1 text that morning as I left for work and it was "if something's wrong with Hudson text me" and the was all I could stand to say to her she tried calling and texting me but couldn't stand her at the time, after the 4 days she tried to kiss me while handing our son to me and I dodged her and took our son and she then asked why and I told her and she just looked at me told me get over it. I have been trying I forced myself for days to talk to her now I can talk to her and fake the whole thing emotions and facial expressions to match. Whilst I was at home the past week or so I haven't felt right just so frustrated and annoyed and unable to sleep within 2 days of being away I could sleep (unusual for me as I hate most hotel mattresses) but still frustrated and angry again. I'm probably putting this in the wrong topic but I am seriously thinking of leaving her just don't know if its save-able or if I can get rid of these feelings. I have been considering IC and MC but she is against MC and won't go, I guess what I want to know has any been in this spot with something seemly small just making you so angry and annoyed to where you are serious about throwing the towel in on it? And if anyone has a suggestions please be my guest
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## ZaphodBeeblebrox (Mar 31, 2013)

Go to IC. Vent. You need the outlet and the clarity that comes after you talk about this with someone.

The "she won't go to MC" is a bit of a deal-breaker. Offer her the choice: MC or separation. See what she chooses. If she's not willing to make the effort...


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## temperance (Jul 28, 2013)

You marriage doesn't sound as bad as a lot of us here for sure. But... I do understand where you are coming from, I also understand why she would react the way she did. Since your child is still young, her body, mind, hormones are going through all the to being a mom more than a wife. When she doesn't want sex that probably just means she is not really in the mood due to hormonal reasons or stress, it doesn't seems that she has any dislike on how you pleases her or she love or care you less. 

Check this link out it may help: Stage 5: Child Stage | 7 Stages of Healthy Relationships


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## aeasty (Jun 5, 2013)

Temperance thanks for your input but its something more then that to me it's like she now only see's sex as a way to have a baby, she now wants 4 kids instead of what we always thought of 2 maybe 3 anytime I mention well to have a baby you need to have sex she says it can happen other ways it is like the whole thought of it now repulses her and to actually do any activies like we used to is a joke she hates camping(we used to go every few weeks) and I've tried getting a sitter so we can just let go a d have fun but its like she wants to be 50yrs old without the fun if getting there
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## temperance (Jul 28, 2013)

I don't watch Glee so I have no idea...
Another possibility I can think of about the 'romance but not sex', is that maybe sex with you somehow causes pain and discomfort that scared her off but she doesn't want to tell you? Was she in a lot of pain after child birth? 
If she wants to have children with you that's a good sign, maybe she is just over the top on her being the mom as a priority but not a wife, and she demands you to understand as well that you should put your 'fatherhood' first. Forget about the 4 kids thing, she might change her mind after the second. 

I really think if you can convince her to go to MC will help. Tell her this is a major issue that hurts you, if this cannot be resolved you will consider a separation / divorce and see how she reacts. She definitely don't want the children to have no father, that might scare her to work things out with you.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Sounds like you have done a first class job of spoiling your wife and in the process, handed her the pants to wear in the family.

Look dude. Your not asking for anything out of the ordinary and your complaints aren't outrageous, just time with your wife.

You said when your home, you cook and clean, take care of the kid as soon as you get home and you have a cleaning lady come in so what the hell does she do all day? There are SAHM that have more than one child and do all of the above mentioned and still have time for their husband.

My advice would be to make her earn her keep. Get rid of the cleaning lady and she can learn how to push a sweeper, and buy her a cook book, point to the things you want in the book and tell her to make them. Stop being the push over nice guy doing all the things that should already have been done. She's home all day so she can do it. I understand that it's nice to pitch in and help but your being raked over the coals.

Sit her ass down and let her know that you and her have a problem that is getting more serious by the day and it's not like she doesn't know what it is. If needed, explain it to her and let her know that if this continues, this problem will get to a point where it's not fixable. Your the only one that can do anything about it. It boils down to your being taken advantage of. Stop being the nice guy and reclaim your pants that she's wearing. 

By the way, try to use paragraphs when you post. It's hard to read.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

Has she ever expressed any specific concerns about sex? Pain? Feelings of not being attractive? Low self esteem? Would she ever wear lingerie and if so, did she feel comfortable in it or embarassed? Have you tried talking her up for a month or two to see if it improves? (Complimenting her consistantly, speaking of her beauty, how good she looks at a particular moment, in a particular outfit, how sexy she looks when she steps out of the shower, etc.) Doing so WITHOUT expectations of immediate sexual activity that is?


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## aeasty (Jun 5, 2013)

6301 said:


> Sounds like you have done a first class job of spoiling your wife and in the process, handed her the pants to wear in the family.
> 
> Look dude. Your not asking for anything out of the ordinary and your complaints aren't outrageous, just time with your wife.
> 
> ...


If I don't clean then it doesn't get done its as simple as that I used to let it go and she wouldn't do **** for months, as for the cooking its about the same she will do some baking and make the kitchen a mess but wont clean it up and usually bakes 10 times what we need. I've tried to live like a slob but I cant it just does my head in as for our son she doesn't do anything with him all day so when I get home he knows I will play with him.

Cdbaker - I have tried everything I can think of with her and sex she has never said it hurts overly the odd time her or there but that's it sand usually we have slowed down or used lube then she has occasionally put lingerie on but more or less just complains about it being something (she hates g strings and most of the time they are) I'll try the month or 2 long of compliments but I don't have my hopes up.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Does your son go to daycare?

Does you wife have toxic friends?

Did you ever have a good sex life?

Does she orgasm?

Is she nursing?

Do you feel your wife is mentally slow?

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## aeasty (Jun 5, 2013)

LongWalk said:


> Does your son go to daycare?
> Not to day care but my mother takes him 2 afternoons from about 1pm till 6pm when I pick him up on my way home.
> 
> Does you wife have toxic friends?
> ...


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

"I'll try the month or 2 long of compliments but I don't have my hopes up."

I'll just point this out, that with that attitude up front, it won't matter. It won't work.

There are a number of good books out there worth reading, like "Love and Respect", "The Five Love Languages", "His Needs, Her Needs", "Love must be Tough", "Married Man's Sex Primer", etc.

A few more questions:

Does your wife have any bad sexual history? (Rape, child abuse, abandonment, etc.?)

What kind of issues has she complained about to you? Do you have any habits or tendencies that others might be alarmed by, or that she has expressed concern or frustration over?

What does your wife do with her day? Does she work, go to school, etc.? (Wondering why your son needs watched by parents from 1-6pm)


Just curious, but have you tried approaching her from an angle of compassion to ask her for her feelings regarding this issue that you feel is a problem? Meaning not approaching her in anger or only to express your own concerns and frustrations, but purely to ask for her side of the issue? I'd say it's pretty darn likely that she realizes that your sex life isn't what it should be, and feels that it is all her fault, and has probably had a lot of time to analyze herself regarding why that is an issue for her. However, she might not feel comfortable enough or safe enough to share that with you, fearful that you won't support her, that you might leave her if you decide that she isn't worth the effort it'll take to resolve, etc. 

So you might consider approaching her from that loving/compassionate angle, affirming for her that you love her deeply and want to understand her feelings, fears, concerns, etc. and work with her to help resolve any issues that can be resolved. You might combine that with an apology for your past behaviors, acknowledging that ignoring her for days, yelling/screaming, slamming doors, and heartless texts are not acceptable behaviors and you intend to never repeat them again. You've been very frustrated by the situation, as it leaves you feeling unloved and unrespected by her, as if she doesn't care for you or your happiness, while her happiness is very important to you and you want her to know that too. Since you are pretty sure that she DOES love you and DOES care about your happiness, you'd like to tackle this bump in the marital road together as a team.

Just a few thoughts. I know for my wife, she was so guilt ridden and ashamed of her lack of interest in sex, so afraid that if she was honest with me about how she felt that I would leave her, that she fell into depression, suffered from horribly low self esteem, etc., and all of the problems were just made dramatically worse through it all because I kept expressing my hurt/frustration as anger and judgement towards her, rather than trying to better understand where she was at and making her feel safe and secure with me to open up about the issue and tackle it together.


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## aeasty (Jun 5, 2013)

Cdbaker - I honestly could give up sex but it would have to be a no more ever thing like no more children unless we adopt which I'm fine with and some of the romance would die off at the start while adjusting but she does not want that she just wants romance till she feels she wants another baby then till she is pregnant more then happy to have a very plain sex life that isn't for me I'm a 110% kind of guy if you want a sex life then commit to it. As for the child care he goes with her just to give her a break during the week it's only a couple of days and she spends most of her day on social media which I have issues with and she know that(I have said calmly its a pet hate of mine) when I get home or if I am talking with someone and they get on any social media or if I'm spending quality time with someone ie going out for a dinner and they sit there on it especially when they have told me to leave my phone behind so I don't do any work while I'm out because its meant to be quality time
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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Sounds like she has no goals or purpose in life

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