# How did you find out?



## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

I have a friend who, I tried to get her to sign up here but she wouldn't for fear her husband might find out. So I told her I would ask the question here for her. 

The question is, if you had a gut instinct something wasn't right with your spouse, (like a possible affair) how did you go about finding out for sure? Did you investigate things yourself? If, so how did you go about it? Did you hire a PI? If so about how expensive are they? 

She did say she thought a PI might be to high, and her doing some investigating herself, I think she feels she will get caught because her skills in hiding things aren't great. She just wants some kind of peace of mind. Suggestions?


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

I found out when I went into my wife's email looking for responses to an Evite (she threw me a birthday party and was the host). I saw something suspicious, and then I dug further into the email history and found the smoking gun.

Some people will say she should just ask him, but I disagree. He probably won't tell her. If she has legitimate suspicions, she should check his email, text history, internet browsing history stuff like that first. 

But it's hard to fully respond to this question without knowing the reasons she is suspicious of him. Could she just be paranoid?


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## Tzu68 (May 9, 2011)

My H suspected something was going on...I did all the typical things a cheating spouse does--I pulled back from him, I wasn't as affectionate, I wanted "me time", I picked fights and I didn't communicate with him. He asked me if something was going on and I lied and denied---so, he installed a Web Watcher program on my computer. It's easy enough to do and your friend can watch every keystroke her H makes on the computer--she'll find out passwords, see what sites he goes on, etc. 
If she has a gut feeling about her H being unfaithful, her gut is her best guide.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Thanks for your reply. Yes, it could be that she is just paranoid. However, I think thats what she wants to know for sure. 

I asked her about emails or his cell etc. She said she hasn't seen any weird or unusual emails or texts, and he doesn't seem to be overly protective of his phone. Here are a few things she mentioned that has been going on, for awhile now. 

*He never comes straight home after work. He always finds some excuse to stop by the store or something even when they really don't need anything. 

*He is distant, seems very disconnected. They have always had a bit of a rocky relationships because he never communicates about things. She can;t understand why the big disconnect, and she doesn't know what to do if he wont talk to her about what it is.

*He seems more depressed now than he has been in the past. He wont seek help. He blames her for things. There have been times when he accuses her of having an affair, when she hasn't.

*His actions do not match his words as far as when she asks him whats wrong...he always says nothing when clearly there is. 

*He spends alot of alone time. Not much time with the family. When they want to have family time at night he is usually outside doing whatever. Internet history is ALWAYS cleared. of course that could be porn, but she doesn't have a major issue with that. 

*The latest thing has been when she was on her way in from a meeting...her husband was supposed to be at home with their son who was sick. He is 13. When she pulled in the driveway, her husbands truck wasn't home. When she went in she asked her son where was his dad, he said he didn't know he thought he was in the other room. So her son didn't even know his dad had left! 

So she decided to text him and not tell him she was home to make it look like she was still gone and to see what he would say he was doing. She text him how were things at home..he replied with fine. She asked him what was he doing (her husband) he replied by telling her he was in the back yard pulling weeds! Umm no he wasn't, he wasn't even home! So she says ok, she is on her way home.....not 10 minutes later he pulls in the drive way. 

Nothing was said until later on when their son went to bed. She tells him she thought he was pulling weeds but when she got home, he wasn't there. He then tells her he had to run to the store. If thats the case, then why didn't he just say he had to run to the store instead of lying and saying he was home in the back yard? And their son who is 13 would have been fine for his dad to run to the store for 10 minutes down the road, so lying about what he was doing was just odd, and the fact he didn't even tell his son he had left! Thats just careless. 

So its stuff like that, that makes her wonder. I think too, she feels like since he seems distant and depressed (which could be from anything) I think she sometimes wonders if he has either done something in the past or is doing something now, that makes he act like that. Maybe some guilt/shame or something, because he sure wont tell her whats wrong.


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## Tzu68 (May 9, 2011)

People who are honest neve have to make up excuses for their whereabouts or lie...or delete computer history. 
Sounds to me like she needs to dig further and Gabriel is right--point blank asking will only make him lie right to her face and cause further problems. 
I don't know if anyone would just be truthful if asked about cheating---unless they were completely callous and cold and hated their spouse and really wanted out of the marriage in an immature way. Most lie to buy time and save their own a**. 
I'm sorry your friend is having to deal with this stuff.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

She could hire a PI, install a keylogger, show up where he says he's at, look at the phone history...

Is there anyone in particular she suspects as the OW? 

One's gut, unfortunately, is usually right. Not always, but a lot of times it is.



Tzu68 said:


> I don't know if anyone would just be truthful if asked about cheating


Not true. My husband and I both confessed. But we are in the minority.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Tzu68 said:


> People who are honest neve have to make up excuses for their whereabouts or lie...or delete computer history.
> Sounds to me like she needs to dig further and Gabriel is right--point blank asking will only make him lie right to her face and cause further problems.
> I don't know if anyone would just be truthful if asked about cheating---unless they were completely callous and cold and hated their spouse and really wanted out of the marriage in an immature way. Most lie to buy time and save their own a**.
> I'm sorry your friend is having to deal with this stuff.


Thank you. Well she did say the clearing of the history, she asked him about before, and he said he does it because the files need to be cleaned out everyday to make the computer run better. She said she finds that to be a bunch of BS. Clearing it once in awhile maybe, but not everyday. She did say its probably porn but that doesn't matter to her, so not sure why he is clearing it. 

The whole lie about where he was and needing to run to the store but telling her he was out back pulling weeds is just weird to me. Of course he told her that not knowing she was already home. If he had run to the store and its where he was, that's what he should have said. The lie was pointless unless he was doing something or somewhere else.

She knows not to point blank ask him. He will deny it, I mean he can't even be honest about his whereabouts.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> She could hire a PI, install a keylogger, show up where he says he's at, look at the phone history...
> 
> Is there anyone in particular she suspects as the OW?
> 
> ...


I think she feels a PI would be to expensive. Keylogger shes not sure about because he is computer savy. 

I don't think there is anyone she has in mind or suspects.


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## stoney96 (Jul 20, 2009)

CallaLily,

I suspected my wife for years, just a gut feeling.

I finally saw a random note on her facebook, and checked further to find that notes were deleted.

So, I logged online, and checked the cell phone bill, and low and behold, I found two secret affairs going on. An EA with the FB person, and one PA with another.

In my case, a PI wouldn't have helped, as they only met about once a month for an hour or less.

But, they always need a way to communicate.

First, check his cell phone logs, then install a keystroke logger.

But, tell her to trust her gut. I didn't for 18 months, and that just let it go on longer.

Stoney


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## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

I'm not sure why he felt the need to lie about him being at the store, unless he wasn't there. 

She needs to pay more attention to exactly what he is or isn't doing. Thats good she doesn't see anything unusual in his emails or with his cell phone, but that doesn't mean nothing is going on. Some people are really good at hiding things.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

I firmly believe that one's gut tells more than any factual evidence that can be quickly deleted/removed, unless a person 'witnesses' unsavory events... there's just something in changed demanor, not being their 'normal' self that only someone who intimately knows them can just tell...
In my case, however, it was a couple emails in the Sent folder that were not deleted that allowed me to bring forth the confrontation. With that in hand, it sounded like I knew more than I did - but my gut told me I was right. The confession followed... but the full details had to get dragged out over 3+ days


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Thanks for the replies. It looks like some of you found out through emails or texts etc...but what if the situation is a little different, like my friends? What do you do or how do you go about it rather, if emails and the cell phone don't seem to be an issue? 

I'm a firm believer in gut instinct as well, although mine has been wrong in the past. Sometimes it can be good at telling you something is up but not always what it is thats up.


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

He's cheating. Go with the gut. I'm living proof of that. Plus those red flags. Unfortunately for any man I date from here on, there will be no free passes. She has reason to be suspicious.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

LonelyNLost said:


> He's cheating. Go with the gut. I'm living proof of that. Plus those red flags. Unfortunately for any man I date from here on, there will be no free passes. She has reason to be suspicious.


Based on him lying about his whereabouts with the store? Because she said herself other than him being distant, depressed acting, the store issue, and him not really communicating, (which has always been an issue) she said shes just not sure. I guess she feels like if she had more concrete things to go on, like a weird text or phone calls it might be more easy to tell.


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

CallaLily said:


> Based on him lying about his whereabouts with the store? Because she said herself other than him being distant, depressed acting, the store issue, and him not really communicating, (which has always been an issue) she said shes just not sure. I guess she feels like if she had more concrete things to go on, like a weird text or phone calls it might be more easy to tell.


Go check out my post I started a couple days ago asking what people saw as the red flags. Might give you some insight. 

The lies start out small and snowball. Does she have access to his phone records? And tbh, my H did the clearing of the internet history. For $100 you can get some pretty decent keylogger software off the internet, and you can view EVERYTHING they do remotely from another computer. It plays it back like a video. She would see what he was doing, his emails, who he chatted with, what they said, etc. Small price to pay for piece of mind.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Does he hide is phone/take it everywhere with him and/or have passcodes? That is usually a huge red flag.

But again, with zero proof, nada.


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

Like others, I had that gut feeling that something was wrong. I'd been monitoring her text messages for a while, and had seen inappropriate texts between her and a new co-worker. Said co-worker had no vehicle, so she was giving him rides home. I figured, though, that the texts were all talk, based on texts to a close friend who she'd told about the sexual tension between herself and the OM, but said specifically that nothing was going to happen, because she didn't want to cheat on me.

Two weeks later, sensing something further was wrong, I checked texts again, and saw one to her friend that said she'd dome something stupid the week before, then proceeded to give her some of the details.

That's how I found out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Does he hide is phone/take it everywhere with him and/or have passcodes? That is usually a huge red flag.
> 
> But again, with zero proof, nada.


No, she said he isn't secretive of his cell phone...she hasn't seen any unusual texts or emails...


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Let's not be too hasty. I am a non-cheater. I have a password on my phone and the phone is encrypted. And so is my laptop. Which has its own two-factor login plus a few more layers beyond that. I use 3-4 different email accounts at any one time not including blind drops from mailinator. And the browsers are setup to trash everything on exit. All the time. 

And my phone is never not on my person. Unless I'm asleep or in the shower.

Just basic secure computing hygiene.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

I think anything is possible and I'm not saying for sure whether he is or isn't having an affair, because I do not know for sure. 

I will say his behavior sounds a little odd, BUT doesn't mean he is cheating. Its good he isn't protective of his cell phone and that you don't see any suspicious emails or texts.

Him telling you he was pulling weeds when he wasn't home and then later telling you he was at the store and didn't even bother to tell your son he was gone, was odd. However, its highly possible him not telling your son was just a careless and thoughtless move on his part. The lying part about the pulling weeds and the store, I'm not so sure about, but once again doesn't mean he was cheating. Especially if this was a one time thing. If it has happened more than once, then that might be a different story.

I'm sure its frustrating to have a spouse who will not open up and tell you whats bothering them. Him being distant/depressed could be about anything. Perhaps he has thought about cheating, feels guilt for it, even though he has never followed through with it. 

Anyway, I understand her wanting to know. She will either need to hire someone, or do some things herself.


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

there must be no REAL guys around here/now.

sure maybe he's cheatin' but pardon me for not jumpin on the bandwagon here/now.

he may be suffering at work and not telling u as per manly man
habits/traits/behavior.

could be depression fall-out stuff too from same/above sentence.

could be generalized depression period. u know, whats the meaning of life; does my W really really love me; does God really exist; where's Jesus when i need him; how are we gonna
make it to/past retirement $$$;

u digg?:scratchhead:

i would approach him on all above topics 'cept cheating.

do as others say n snoop. yer marr'd, its ok. if u get enuff
hard clad evidence, not the wishy washy kind that could easily
be explained away, then and only then do u confront him.

o'wise, u pour out all the love u have on him and see him thru
whatever it is he's going thru.:iagree::smthumbup:

shalom......daughter.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

cb45 said:


> there must be no REAL guys around here/now


Yeah there is..I posted above you..thats why I gave a different take on it..I'm not going to jump in and say he is cheating..there might be other possible reasons for his behavior...


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

After reading your post about your friend's suspicions, my heart sank. I'm convinced he's cheating or there's something very serious on his mind. She should trust her gut, I think that's very telling. You can tell when something is "off'". 

For sure read the thread about "red flags", in hindsight it all seems so clear. Granted, I delete my browser history sometimes just because I'm a little embarassed by some of my stupid web surfing. Nothing I should care about, but you can still feel like a dork for reading manga or something online. 

My main concern is the little lies and not coming home right after work. My H used to meet up with the OW after work. So as not to raise suspicions, he'd still be home relatively ontime. He'd lie about what time he left work or text he was still at his desk when he was at a bar with OW. The time he met her at a hotel, he texted from the parking lot "Just leaving work now!"

The lying is a huge red flag. My H now tells me how he used to lie a lot, even when not with OW. If he really was running late at work, he'd say he had already left then leave 10 minutes later. Like the 10 minutes even mattered? The lying becomes habitual.

I would suggest snooping around in his car. My H had kept condoms in his golf bag in his trunk. Who knows, maybe your friend's H has a prepaid phone. My H was never protective of his phone, even though he used it to call or text the OW. I should've checked the cell call log the month he went over on texts. 

Also, have your friend check atm withdrawls. My H paid cash for the 2 hotel afternoon visits. Fyi... decent hotels let you rent a room for an afternoon for "business meetings" and "interviews". Cheaters don't need to go to a pay by the hour dive to get a bed.

My H was really good at hiding his A. He had a second secret gmail account within two weeks of starting the A. However, just yesterday I found a sent email to OW in his regular gmail account that he forgot to delete last year. If your friend's H is cheating, he'll slip up eventually.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Thanks Saffron...I'll get her to read the "red flags" post. 

She did say he has always been one to not come right home after work, thats nothing new. He has been seen by mutual friends of theirs out at the grocery stores or department stores before after work.


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## Tzu68 (May 9, 2011)

CallaLily said:


> I think she feels a PI would be to expensive. Keylogger shes not sure about because he is computer savy.
> 
> I don't think there is anyone she has in mind or suspects.


I consider myself pretty computer saavy and didn't suspect or detect a thing on my computer.
I agree with other posters---she shouldn't jump the gun and do anything drastic until other avenues have been dealt with first.


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## michelleM68 (Jan 22, 2011)

check bank statements!!! also, is there a way to pay for a keylogger without the family credit/debit card? id have thought about doing that in the past but it would show up on the bank statement.


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