# Not sure where to go with this....



## HoneyBadger (Jul 9, 2012)

A little background before I get started:

I grew up in an EXTREMELY conservative home, and my parents were very involved in a traditionalist type religion where women stayed with their men no matter what (glorified property IMO). Despite that as a young adult I finally managed to convince my mother to leave her abusive husband, but I ended up getting financially entangled with her. Add in the years of brainwashing, and although I knew what to look for in a guy, I wasn't really clear on what I wanted in a _relationship_. So, when I met my now husband (10 or 11 years ago, I've already lost track) I had one option - stay with my mother or get married to get out of my financial and moral obligations. 

I did choose a good guy - we get along well (never even had a fight all these years - sure disagreements, but never a fight), he cooks, helps around the house, etc. Most of our marriage has been pretty "Independent" and we didn't even combine finances until 6 years ago. We've had some hobbies that we at least somewhat have in common, but usually one or the other is more into it, and then we also have our own things we do. But for the most part, we share a house, dinner and a bed, but that's about it. For most of our time together, this has worked well, most things have been a "give the highlights, but don't ask, don't tell on the details." Never really been an issue for us, at least that I'm aware of.

We do not, and will not have children. Neither of us has any desire to do so, he's had a vasectomy and I'm looking into options for myself. So that's not really a concern. Honestly about the only real financial obligation that ties us together is our house. We have pets, but even most of those have "their" human.

Here's where the dilemma starts: after getting away from where I grew up, I took time to find out what I believed. Turns out, my views on a lot of things, and specifically relationships didn't align with what I was raised with. I had basically gotten married to get away from my mother, and at the time didn't realize what I didn't know about myself (may have had an inclining, but not enough to sway my decisions). 

I never took the time to really get to know myself or what I wanted - I ran straight from my controlling mother to a committed relationship. Obviously skipped those years of "getting things out of my system" and my self discovery only took place after I was married. 

This all started to really bother me about 4-5 years ago. Ever since I've settled on what I personally think about relationships to be honest. Since then, I've debated talking to my husband about it - thing was, we got along okay, and I didn't have any pressing need to rock a boat that was steady.

This past year has started to become another story. For the first time in my life I've found my passion and made the decision to pursue it. This meant giving up some hobbies I've had since I was 5 years old (34 now). Through my personal pursuit of this, I've also made some good friends - and one in particular. He's someone who pushes me (in a good way), is interested in helping me better myself and pursue what I want (career and passion wise) - we just fit, click, and get along very well. To make things even more complicated there's some pretty strong sexual tension there as well...but a lot of that stems more from our connection in other ways than a physical attraction - but there's no denying there's some of that too. We've kept things PG so far, so nothing that I would feel any guilt over, even if I wouldn't want to share the gritty details with DH. 

I've needed someone like this in my life for awhile - it's been a LONG time since I've had someone who really understood me better than myself. DH has never been one to push me - he just kinda lets me do my own thing and he does his. It's always been that way. My friend and I would probably get into fights at some point if we were more than just friends - we've already determined that one :rofl:

*SO*, long story short, I've been wondering about separating for sometime, but never had the catalyst that made that discussion a requirement. I do NOT want to be the girl running around behind my DH's back, but I also don't want to die with all of 1.5 notches on my belt (hey, just being honest here). I'm also not as into the whole "combined everything" as I had hoped I would have been. Our priorities vary, and we're both pretty committed to our own paths. Unfortunately, he had his fun before we met, and has a pretty traditional view of relationships, so I doubt I'd be able to talk him into anything like an open relationship (I've put feelers out there while watching movies with that kind of theme, and he pretty quickly retorted comments that he found it very wrong).

I'm not burning any bridges too quickly here, but this stuff has been on my mind for years - and now I'm at a point that I need to decide how I want to proceed. As I see it my options are:

-Keep things the way they are and hope I can live with myself, be miserable and regret far too much of my life. And hope I don't do something I'll actually regret.
-Suggest an open marriage (don't see that going well, and although I'm fine with it being mutual, I don't know how we'd even go about setting up the rules, etc)
-Consider a trial separation to see how things go
-Just call things quits (seems a bit harsh)

:scratchhead: I don't deal with my emotions very well to begin with, this is making things really difficult (for anyone who's into personality stuff, I'm one of those very rare INTJ women....kinda like a dude's mind stuck in a girl's body, at least by social expectations).

Not sure what I'm looking for by posting here - maybe just opinions, even if they don't really change my situation.


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## MrsOldNews (Feb 22, 2012)

If your husband is such a great guy then just leave him so he can finally find someone who feels for him the way you feel about the guy you're having an EA with.

Your husband may be sad at first but once his heart heals I'm sure he will find someone who needs nothing but him to make them completely happy and not apt to stray.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Don't separate so you can have a fling. DIVORCE. Your husband is not your backup plan. If you want to be single, then divorce your husband so he can find a woman who wants him.

Be careful though, the grass is hardly ever greener. But don't be so selfish to keep your husband in the rafters while you test the waters with this other man. Divorce your husband then be truly single.


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## jh52 (Apr 29, 2012)

"This past year has started to become another story. For the first time in my life I've found my passion and made the decision to pursue it. This meant giving up some hobbies I've had since I was 5 years old (34 now). Through my personal pursuit of this, I've also made some good friends - and one in particular. He's someone who pushes me (in a good way), is interested in helping me better myself and pursue what I want (career and passion wise) - we just fit, click, and get along very well. To make things even more complicated there's some pretty strong sexual tension there as well...but a lot of that stems more from our connection in other ways than a physical attraction - but there's no denying there's some of that too. We've kept things PG so far, so nothing that I would feel any guilt over, even if I wouldn't want to share the gritty details with DH."

Sounds like a person who really is a great guy in pursuing a relationship with a married woman.  I am sure he says all the right things -- and your heart must just melt.

Just remember if you decide to leave your husband and try a relationship with this guy -- he cheated with you now (EA) and he will probably cheat on you.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

HoneyBadger said:


> As I see it my options are:
> 
> a) Keep things the way they are and hope I can live with myself, be miserable and regret far too much of my life. And hope I don't do something I'll actually regret.
> b) Suggest an open marriage (don't see that going well, and although I'm fine with it being mutual, I don't know how we'd even go about setting up the rules, etc)
> ...


I added letters to your choices.

Because you feel 'a)', your only option is 'd)'.

Any other choice is totally selfish on your part.


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## HoneyBadger (Jul 9, 2012)

Okay, maybe I'm not giving enough information here. Let's just say that there are reasons why I'd even need something else in my life, despite my own views changing over time.

I've sought out help to try to get things going between us again, and I've implemented those things. I've flat out told him in no grey what I needed from him. What I've gotten in response is either an excuse of he's too busy/tired/preoccupied/stressed or an "okay, yes dear" and then nothing.

I doubt most women would be very tolerant of not getting a compliment on anything other than their boobs for - well - years (be the compliment physical or on something they've done/do). No interest in supporting them in their pursuits. No interest in what they are doing, even when going out of their way to be sure to build their man up, show interest in his life, and compliment him.

Yes, he's a good guy, but let's face it, there's two sides to everything. I've laid out the worst about myself here, but left out the gritty details on maybe WHY I've gotten to this point. Someone reading between the lines could probably pick up on it, but suffice it to say that there's always two sides to things.

He's perfectly content to keep on with things as they are - let's face it, thus far as long as he does the things he agreed to before we got married, I've not made much of a fuss as long as he didn't bother me. I'm about as low maintenance as a wife can get. No drama, no fights, no nagging - he gets left alone and he likes that. He has no tolerance for even super minor drama - I've not met another female who's as low key in that area as I am (they may exist, but I've yet to meet them). He's a social recluse other than work, and as long as he's let me go do my thing, it's been okay. 

I'm not looking for "greener grass" as you put it. If I were to leave him, it would not be for another relationship. I'd be staying single the rest of my life, regardless of my sex life.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

No need to sell it to us so you feel better about having an affair.

Just do what you do, but be decent enough to leave your husband first. Divorce him and go be happy.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Doesn't matter if he is a good husband or a bad one. If you love him, or you don't.

An affair is wrong! Emotional or Physical! A marriage can't thrive when an affair of either type is happening.

Divorce your husband and be single. Then have sex with anyone you want. Be sure to do these two things in the correct order.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

It's ok though! Cause Honeybadger doesn't give a SHET! :rofl:

Sorry, OP, your name made me laugh. (those who don't know, it's a viral video on youtube!)


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