# How to handle WW Birthday after dday...



## hawx20 (Jan 10, 2013)

So my WWs birthday is coming up in a few days and I'm confused on what to do. Its less than 3 months since dday and although things between us are generally okay, I'm in the phase right now where I look at her and see the woman I love, and at the same time, the woman who nearly destroyed our family.

This confusion has been my biggest hurdle in our R. I'm constantly having this internal struggle about her. I want to spend time with her/stay away from her. I want to kiss her/dont touch her, etc. So the same thing is happening with her birthday.

Shes not expecting anything and part of me wants to surprise her, take her out to a nice restaurant, and get her a nice little gift. The other side of me keeps saying "Screw her, you dont have to do a damn thing for her...just say happy birthday and be done with it". 

Just wanted to hear from other members on how they handled their WS birthday, especially those that happened not to long after dday. I really dont know how to handle her birthday and just need some advice because my head/emotions are unreliable right now.

For the record, if this matters, she has been extremely remorseful, guilt ridden, and extremely loving. Again, those dual emotions see it as "I love the way she is/she should have been like this all along".


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

I would celibrate it but kind of low key. There is no point in hurting her feelings.

But to pretend things haven't changed is foolish too. Just make sure whatever you decide you can pull off.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

I agree with Chaparral, since you seem to be working on R, I wouldn't leave a lump of coal on her pillow. I also wouldn't make it the best birthday of her life. I would scale it down 60% from what you normally do.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hawx20 (Jan 10, 2013)

Chaparral said:


> I would celibrate it but kind of low key. There is no point in hurting her feelings.
> 
> But to pretend things haven't changed is foolish too. Just make sure whatever you decide you can pull off.



Emotionally I'm in pretty good shape. It still surprises me daily that I'm handling this as well as I am. I know her affair wasnt my fault, but I do have to accept some blame for the rut we were in.

Part of me wants to do something special because I want a different marriage then before and I want to be more exciting with her. The other part of me says she doesnt deserve anything more than a half assed "Happy Birthday" when we wake up in the morning.....


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Put the cheating aside for one day. Don't let it affect every special day and special occasion.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

A cake with "Happy Birthday, Dear Cheater!" on it would be in poor taste. How about dinner at home with simple nice cake. End the eveing with some rough sex, say something cathartic at the right moment.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

hawx20 said:


> So my WWs birthday is coming up in a few days and I'm confused on what to do. Its less than 3 months since dday and although things between us are generally okay, I'm in the phase right now where I look at her and see the woman I love, and at the same time, the woman who nearly destroyed our family.
> 
> This confusion has been my biggest hurdle in our R. I'm constantly having this internal struggle about her. I want to spend time with her/stay away from her. I want to kiss her/dont touch her, etc. So the same thing is happening with her birthday.
> 
> ...


Normal to feel that way.. I kind of split it down the middle.. took her out to eat, didn't get any flowers or card, told her ahead of time I wouldn't because reading 'to my wife' cards wouldn't be the best for me at the time.. Go out for a nice dinner, talk.. It's nice to dress up nice and go out. Treat it like any other day so you don't trigger.. She should understand.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

If you are committed to R and she is working hard the. I would certainly do something like a ice dinner and some time for the two of you to be together. 

Enjoy the day and best of luck in your continued R.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

Will_Kane said:


> Put the cheating aside for one day. Don't let it affect every special day and special occasion.


He's less than three months in... that's kind of soon to be pretending all is good, and buying flowers and surprises and cakes and 'my loving caring wife, how special our love is' type of cards.. Eventually I think you can get there, but right off the bat, it sure as hell has an effect on occasions that used to feel much more special.. I'd suggest keeping it simple, that'll make it easier to 'put it aside' as you suggest..


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## hawx20 (Jan 10, 2013)

russell28 said:


> Normal to feel that way.. I kind of split it down the middle.. took her out to eat, didn't get any flowers or card, told her ahead of time I wouldn't because reading 'to my wife' cards wouldn't be the best for me at the time.. Go out for a nice dinner, talk.. It's nice to dress up nice and go out. Treat it like any other day so you don't trigger.. She should understand.



Shes not expecting anything. Right now she doesnt even feel like she deserves anything. The other day her friends, who dont know about the affair, told her she was so lucky to have a great husband after I went out of my way to meet her and the park they were at and watch the kids so they could go run. She said that when they told her that it made her feel so horrible and unworthy of me.

Anyways, I was thinking of surprising her with a nice romantic dinner and just a small gift along with a hand written note from me. Thing is, we've never been the type to really celebrate birthdays other than a cake and making it her or my own day, so this would be a big surprise for her.

I just hate that feeling I have where part of me is excited and wants to impress her and the other side is screaming "dont do anything you dumbass".


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## hawx20 (Jan 10, 2013)

russell28 said:


> He's less than three months in... that's kind of soon to be pretending all is good, and buying flowers and surprises and cakes and 'my loving caring wife, how special our love is' type of cards..


Yeah no cards. I dont even want to touch those things.


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## brokeneric (Jan 27, 2014)

Write a heart-felt letter about what you feel and do you feel both of you should define the new marriage. Face it, the old marriage is gone, there is no old you, there is no old her. Get a nice cake. Cook the dinner. Nothing saying I luv you like a man cooking for his spouse. Just my .02.


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## U.E. McGill (Nov 27, 2013)

You need it to be from a position of giving. If you think giving the card is any kind kind of covert contract then don't do it (or anything for that matter). If you find yourself saying "I'm going to do this and she's going to see what a great husband I am!" Stop. 

Be clear and concise. Tell her "I'm not at a point to give freely". If she gets mad, let her deal with her feelings. 

Put yourself first. Fix yourself and the marriage will come as a result.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

Mrs. John Adams said:


> My perspective comes from being a WW. If you are committed to reconciling...if you believe she is remorseful...then you need to let her know you think of her as your wife and are on your way to forgiveness. I don't think you need to go overboard...but absolutely need to make her day special.. Make her a card, that says what you are feeling, give her a rose that speaks of hope, take her out for a quiet dinner, hold her hand and look into her eyes. She NEEDS to know you still love her and many times actions speak louder than words.
> 
> We celebrated Christmas shortly after our DD 30 years ago. My precious husband bought me a new ring...he looked into my eyes and said he bought it because it sparkled like my eyes. I have never forgotten...it wasn't the pretty new ring...it was the fact that he gave me hope. We have done many things wrong these past 41 years of marriage...but we have also done many things right.
> Best of luck to you and your wife.


To me, soon after DDay... Xmas was when I started dating my wife.. I proposed to her on xmas years later and gave her a ring.. it sparkled like her eyes. She later lost that ring, and eventually lost a second one I bought her.. I wasn't feeling three months after DDay, like my wife thought of me as a 'precious husband'.. She's working hard on that now, but I wasn't ready to make a day special for her at that point in time.. I felt like a fool for all those years she had been cheating and I was showering her with flowers and cards and romantic dinners.. I would have thoughts like "oh, that's why she kept saying not to get her any flowers when she was cheating".. She wanted gifts from her OM, they made her feel good, mine made her feel guilt... 

OP's wife knows he still loves her, because he's still with her. Being too nice can make her feel bad, not good... Done with my rant.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

I was split and at about the same time frame out from DDAY as you are. It has been a while ago, but if I remember, I did nothing. No meals, cards, cakes, or well wishes. She didn't expect it, and was treating me like crap anyway, so she got like in return. Of course in my case, I discovered right before my b'day her A's (yes several of them the day before) and on my "special day" got a call from one of them (he used to be what I thought was a friend) after he had been drinking to tell me to kill myself and do the world a better service by removing myself from it. Made my day that much more memorable and makes R hard to come back from.

I would opt for something very low key if I were you, at least something so you can show you are trying to be above things. Try to learn from my mistakes and not repeat them.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

The Emotional Roller Coaster, it takes time for it to subside. Basically just a card....no gift. If you normally give a gift, then you shouldn't give one because that would mean things are normal and the affair never happened. They should understand if they are truly remorseful.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Hawx,

You are doing a good job. You came to TAM before you had any concrete idea she was cheating. Your gut feeling was screaming at you. Keep trusting your gut.

If you think she is putting out earnestly now and you feel it, that is good. You need to reward her enough to encourage her but not to the extent that she takes you for granted.

Your emotional self confidence – you know you can make it without her – that means a lot. She can feel it. You have self respect and this turns her on.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Bake her a cake and celebrate with her and the kids. That's all you need to do.


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## hawx20 (Jan 10, 2013)

LongWalk said:


> Hawx,
> 
> You are doing a good job. You came to TAM before you had any concrete idea she was cheating. Your gut feeling was screaming at you. Keep trusting your gut.
> 
> ...


Thank you and thank all of you for the replies. The struggle between my heart and my mind are killing me. One says stay and love, the other says run away and never let her get close.

I try to listen to my heart more since thats the only way R will work. If you're gonna do it, then do it right, not half assed. Still, its a constant struggle to allow yourself to get close to someone who viciously hurt you.

Anyways, we never really did anything special for each others birthdays. I'd like to change that. Our old marriage is dead. This is the start of a new one and I dont want to make the same "mistakes" I made with the old. I do want to make this one special....not just for her, but for us. 

I'm thinking of surprising her out of the blue. Saturday will be a normal day and a few hours before I will just tell her to get ready. I will have a babysitter lined up, I'll tell her we're going somewhere and end up at her favorite "special" restaurant for a candle lit dinner. I will give her a gift shes been wanting for a while, nothing romantic like jewelry, but something shes always wanted, along with a heart felt written letter to her.

I wish my heart could be completely into it and I didnt have this voice in me screaming "how/why are you making her special?". I figure we have to start somewhere....

I've decided to be the best man and husband she could ever have. As hard as it is right now, I will treat her like a queen. If this R fails, it wont be because of me and if it does fail, then I walk away with my head held up high because she will never find someone like me and the loss would be all hers.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

Don't force the issue with the special gift, restaurant, etc unless you truly want to. If it feels fake and forced to you, then don't do it as she will see right through it all. Just do what is in your heart and what feels best for now. Doing too much is forcing it, and you can't "make" the new marriage over night you need to build it gradually to make it stronger and better, otherwise you will end up with another weak marriage like before.


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## hawx20 (Jan 10, 2013)

Mrs. John Adams said:


> hawx20....you are a good man bless your heart. She is a very lucky lady. Someday, she will convince you that she KNOWS it. It takes lots of time and lots of tears but it can work. John and I are living proof.


Thank you. Your story has been one of my inspirations and helped me have hope that things can turn around. I was surprised when she told me how it made her feel worthless and like total crap when all her workout buddies were telling her how lucky she was for having an awesome husband this weekend.

I'm really hoping that seeing the destruction she caused the family along with how close she came to losing me, really gave her a life changing experience. Time will tell but so far I have to commend her on how she is being. Shes back to being the wife I loved and wanted.



squeakr said:


> Don't force the issue with the special gift, restaurant, etc unless you truly want to. If it feels fake and forced to you, then don't do it as she will see right through it all. Just do what is in your heart and what feels best for now. Doing too much is forcing it, and you can't "make" the new marriage over night you need to build it gradually to make it stronger and better, otherwise you will end up with another weak marriage like before.


I'm not forcing it. I truly want to do it. I'm just torn in half right now with one part of me wanting to be loving with her and the other half wanting to hate her. I end up listening to the loving side more because I know the other side is just the pain talking. I know my life and marriage will never be like it was before. I will always have a slight doubt and will forever be cautious with her.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

hawx20 said:


> The other day her friends, who dont know about the affair, told her she was so lucky to have a great husband after I went out of my way to meet her and the park they were at and watch the kids so they could go run. She said that when they told her that it made her feel so horrible and unworthy of me.


If that's real - not some act she's come up with because she's read how to hook you in - then you making nice on her birthday is a bit of torture to her in itself.

She's going to feel even more of this if you do celebrate.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

hawx20 said:


> I'm not forcing it. I truly want to do it. I'm just torn in half right now with one part of me wanting to be loving with her and the other half wanting to hate her. I end up listening to the loving side more because I know the other side is just the pain talking. I know my life and marriage will never be like it was before. I will always have a slight doubt and will forever be cautious with her.


You are second guessing it and not 80% or better so it is essentially forced at this time. Whether you see that or not, she will and wonder about the true intentions. Hopefully she will be able to over look it, but since it is her special day, she may be even more the judgmental?? You'll never know what she truly thinks, just as you don't now and this could cause more hurt and pain than the intentions put forth by you. They always say the road to hell is pave with good intentions.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Squeakr said:


> You are second guessing it and not 80% or better so it is essentially forced at this time. Whether you see that or not, she will and wonder about the true intentions. Hopefully she will be able to over look it, but since it is her special day, she may be even more the judgmental?? You'll never know what she truly thinks, just as you don't now and this could cause more hurt and pain than the intentions put forth by you. They always say the road to hell is pave with good intentions.


The way I see it is that she will think he "is over it" already, that everything is back to normal, and then wonder why he triggers. Its not like we haven't seen that here before. Way too soon after DDay to be going all out like this.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

hawx20 said:


> Thank you. Your story has been one of my inspirations and helped me have hope that things can turn around. I was surprised when she told me how it made her feel worthless and like total crap when all her workout buddies were telling her how lucky she was for having an awesome husband this weekend.
> 
> I'm really hoping that seeing the destruction she caused the family along with how close she came to losing me, really gave her a life changing experience. Time will tell but so far I have to commend her on how she is being. Shes back to being the wife I loved and wanted.
> 
> ...


You can listen to the loving side, and be in a good R without forcing the romance right off. She's probably not feeling all that deserving of being rewarded or treated special right now if she's remorseful, and it sounds like she is. She's dealing with shame and guilt, and a surprise might not be as good as you'd like to think. There's still an elephant in the room, you need to see it, not ignore it and pretend it's not there. That's not how to get through R. Tell her exactly what you told us, how you feel, that you're fighting angry feelings, and hurt feelings, and loving caring feelings.. Don't treat her like a queen as an insurance policy for the future, in case your R fails.. treat her like a queen when she starts treating you like a king. It sounds like she's started, that's a good sign.. but give it time, three months isn't very long, it's okay to feel what you're feeling. Don't try to rush things, or supress them. If you get pissed looking at greeting cards, that's totally cool.. it doesn't make you a bad husband or father, or bad person, it makes you human and recovering from an emotional trauma..

My story is in R for almost a year, wife had LTA 5= years.. actually doing well, mind movies are all but gone, love life is more active than ever.. wife goes out of her way to make sure I always know what she's doing and who she's with so I won't need to do any spy work, still tells me sorry and thanks and how much she appreciates me letting her be in my life.. all those things that make R possible. My best to you in whatever you choose.. things get better with time, hang in there and keep the communication open and honest.


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## hawx20 (Jan 10, 2013)

russell28 said:


> Tell her exactly what you told us, how you feel, that you're fighting angry feelings, and hurt feelings, and loving caring feelings..


Oh she knows. I made if perfectly clear to her that I have these feelings. Over the years I've gained a masterful control over my emotions. Everyone I know, including myself, is shocked at how well I'm handling the situation. We go to counseling and setup a time once a week for us to sit and talk thoroughly about our situation. I have told her that even though I look and act perfectly fine, do not mistake me for being fine. I tell her each time we talk that I am still harboring a lot of resentment and anger towards her but I am doing my best to open up to her and letting go of the anger.

To be honest, taking her out is something I want to do not just for her. This is something I want to do for our marriage as well. I am guilty of not being the most outgoing person as I am very much a homebody. I never made a big deal out of birthdays, was never spontaneous, and quite frankly, boring. I dont want to be that way anymore. 

This marriage we have, and hopefully continue to have, will be different in every sense. I want to be better than I was. Its a new start, for both of us. Obviously I cant control her actions or feelings but I can control mine. If this R succeeds or fails, I want to know either way that I gave it my best.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

My feeling is that you should take the both of you out for a nice dinner. Time to reconnect and reflect is good and helps the healing process you are both going through.

As for a gift....

Give her two roses. One for love and one for hope. Tell her that every year on her birthday you will add two more. When you reach a dozen roses your reconciliation will be complete.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Cake+ Her favorite ice cream + RedBox. 

Why does this have to be so hard?


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## hawx20 (Jan 10, 2013)

bfree said:


> My feeling is that you should take the both of you out for a nice dinner. Time to reconnect and reflect is good and helps the healing process you are both going through.
> 
> As for a gift....
> 
> Give her two roses. One for love and one for hope. Tell her that every year on her birthday you will add two more. When you reach a dozen roses your reconciliation will be complete.


Hey pretty smooth there with the roses. I like it!

Going out somewhere would be nice and it would be for the reasons you just said. The fact that its her birthday just makes it a good reason.

Thanks for the idea!


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Cake+ Her favorite ice cream + RedBox.
> 
> Why does this have to be so hard?


Bandit, you're such a romantic. :rofl:


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## love=pain (Nov 26, 2012)

I handled most events like this right after dday very low key,you want to do something cook a nice dinner maybe just you and her not romantic but quiet, her birthday, anniversary, valentines day. 
This second year I did take her away for her birthday, she took me out to a romantic place for our anniversary not sure about Valentine's as it is close to 2 year dday thing I will see how I feel.

Probably the best thing I can tell you is do what you are comfortable with, don't stretch yourself if you don't feel it, if she truly has the remorse (sounds like she does) she will understand but I would try to do something as to not deflate her spirit(yeah she didn't give you the same treatment but what are you going to do)

Good luck


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

bfree said:


> My feeling is that you should take the both of you out for a nice dinner. Time to reconnect and reflect is good and helps the healing process you are both going through.
> 
> As for a gift....
> 
> *Give her two roses. One for love and one for hope. Tell her that every year on her birthday you will add two more. When you reach a dozen roses your reconciliation will be complete*.


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## hawx20 (Jan 10, 2013)

can i give that maple syrup a half like? You are feeding my dark side.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

1 medium gift and 1 dinner at something like Fridays. When she says she does not deserve it dont disagree but say something like, "But I need to build bridges to you not away from you."


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

All I'm saying is you are tormenting yourself over a trifle. 

When she is back to being a 100% wife, and on your side, and when you have healed to some extent, then you can break out the bouquets and diamonds. 

I don't think she is there yet. She still has too much self pity and inward focus.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

BTW you are already giving her a gift of INFINITE value:

A second chance.

Something that a majority of men are not capable of, myself included.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

She knows she is on probation. As long as you communicate, I think you can handle it. Most important now is that you listen to her. Be firm about important stuff.

You let her have her working out and telephone back. She has her life back. If she needs a bad boy from time to time, you have be him... in a creative way. 

Maybe a bottle of lube as a birthday present. Wicked grin as explanation.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

LongWalk said:


> Maybe a bottle of lube as a birthday present. GIANT BONER and "BEND OVER!" as explanation.


Fixed this for you.

You choose the hole you want to use depending on the mood....


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## hawx20 (Jan 10, 2013)

Let me preface this by saying I dont want to do this to make her feel guilty.

That being said, I like that she is feeling guilty. I want it to twist and turn in the pit of her stomach. I want her to never forget this feeling she has. I want her to never forget the pain and destruction she caused because of her selfishness and immaturity.

My approach to R might be unconventional, but i like it. I plan to be the best man I can be. I plan to be the best husband she could ever possibly hope to have. I plan to be much better than I ever have been. If she chooses to give that up, then so be it. All I know is, when I am old, I will have a loving woman by my side. Whether or not its her is up to her. 

I can guarantee her that she will never find someone like me. She knows, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that she used the only second chance she will ever get. She knows that I can leave her anytime I want. She never knew that before....she thought she had me in the palm of her hand. That was my big mistake which led her to take me for granted. I already told her that I took the knockout blow of losing her and stood right back up and kept moving forward. Leaving her now would not be hard if she ever reverts back to her old behavior or even slightly takes me for granted. I know my worth and I know what I can give a woman.


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## EI (Jun 12, 2012)

You're getting a lot of great advice here, hawx20. It's a very challenging situation for you to be in. Our 28th wedding anniversary was less than a month after D-Day and I can't tell you how unbelievably bizarre it felt to be standing in an aisle reading anniversary cards and trying to find one that "fit" the occasion. I can only imagine how painful it must have been for B1, my BS, as he stood there reading card after card, filled with sentimental musings and romantic notions, about a lifelong and enduring love that has withstood the test of time. It truly breaks my heart, even now, thinking about it. I don't remember exactly what the cards that we chose for one another said, although, I have saved them, as I have every card we have given to one another, over the years, in a special treasure chest that B1 made by hand for me many years ago. What I do remember is that we both did our best to find something that expressed our feelings. Nothing overstated, but not overlooked, either. 

I will tell you that the fact that you are still with her, still trying, still caring, still hoping, still loving her (even when you may hate her at the same time,) even the fact that you are on TAM asking others for direction (whether your wife knows that or not,) is the greatest gift that she could ever possibly hope or ask for. 

I believe that you should do whatever your heart, and mind, leads you to do. I don't think she will be expecting a lot, or much, at all. Especially, since you said that the two of you never made a big deal of birthdays in the past. I do think it's lovely that you want to create a new, better marriage than what you had before. I believe that reconciliation, after infidelity, has to be a new marriage. Just remember that your wife, as the WS, needs to be doing the heavy lifting (I hate that phrase..... not because I disagree with it, just because it sounds so..... yucky....  LOL.) At this point, for every gesture of kindness that you are giving, she should be giving you exponentially more. I think I hate the phrase "heavy lifting" because if the WS truly desires to reconcile, and for all of the right reasons, it shouldn't feel like "heavy lifting." It should be their greatest want, their need, their desire, their sole purpose, to help bring about healing to their partner, their families, their relationship, and ultimately to themselves. Of course, in order for that to potentially help bring about a successful reconciliation of the marriage, both spouses have to share that goal. 

I hope, for your sake, and for that of your family, that your wife is putting as much into this as you so obviously are.

Good luck to you. I hope you find peace and healing in whatever direction you ultimately choose to take.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

hawx20 said:


> I plan to be the best man I can be. I plan to be the best husband she could ever possibly hope to have. I plan to be much better than I ever have been. If she chooses to give that up, then so be it. All I know is, when I am old, I will have a loving woman by my side. Whether or not its her is up to her.


That's a great plan, but remember that being too nice can sometimes put you at the opposite side of the spectrum and women lots of times don't respect or want the KISA or Mr. Nice Guy either.


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## hawx20 (Jan 10, 2013)

Thank you E1.

Yes, she is doing a lot of "heavy lifting". Its mostly little things, but its all the right little things and things she would have never done before. For me, its all about the little things. 

A big reason why I'm taking this so well is because of how she has responded. I have to give her credit, shes been about as perfect as you could expect for a remorseful WS. Right now the negatives are coming from a lack of trust and my own insecurities.


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## hawx20 (Jan 10, 2013)

Squeakr said:


> That's a great plan, but remember that being too nice can sometimes put you at the opposite side of the spectrum and women lots of times don't respect or want the KISA or Mr. Nice Guy either.


Oh no. I learned my lesson. Thats where I went wrong the first time. I did go all Mr. Nice Guy because I thought I was doing what a good husband was supposed to do.

Now I'm striving to be Mr. Nice Guy with an edge. You treat me right and I'll give it back tenfold. You take advantage of me or take me for granted, and you'll find yourself sad and lonely. I will not tolerate all the things I put up with her in the past. I told her that I expect to be the #1 in her life, not including the kids of course. The second she slips me to #2, I'm gone. During her MLC, I figured I was lucky if I was in the top 3......No, I wont ever allow that to happen again.


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## DeterminedToThrive (Nov 2, 2013)

I don't know why, but the thought of giving her a gift so close to dday creeps me out and I would hate for you to give her a feeling that everything is better than it is. 

Does she have a favorite charity? What about a gift to that charity, dinner and a quiet evening.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Dude...ice cream and RedBox. Problem solved.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

hawx20 said:


> Anyways, I was thinking of surprising her with a nice romantic dinner and just a small gift along with a hand written note from me. Thing is, we've never been the type to really celebrate birthdays other than a cake and making it her or my own day, so this would be a big surprise for her.



nope. Have a low key event if you have to.


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## kalimata (Jan 29, 2014)

Have y'all ever heard of a Japanese Kintsugi bowl? I saw this posted on another forum and thought it would be fitting. The kintsugi method was developed in Japan hundreds of years ago to repair broken pottery. Here is an example: http://tinyurl.com/mxbxz4l

The kintsugi method uses gold to repair the broken pieces. The resulting pottery is often more beautiful and desirable than the original.

The kintsugi bowl is a metaphor for your heart and marriage. The old bowl is broken and shattered by her deceit and wayward actions. She can help build it back. If painstakingly rebuilt, the new bowl will be stronger and more beautiful than a new one. It is a fitting symbol for reconciliation.


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## Numbersixxx (Oct 10, 2012)

Give her a bag of Skittles:
https://heartiste.wordpress.com/2009/05/19/be-a-skittles-man/
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Take her to dinner some place nice. After dinner give her an empty box. 

Tell her if she wears only what is inside the box for the rest of the evening you will do your best to put a smile on her face.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

workindad said:


> Take her to dinner some place nice. After dinner give her an empty box.
> 
> Tell her if she wears only what is inside the box for the rest of the evening you will do your best to put a smile on her face.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


step 1... you put a hole in that box...


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

russell28 said:


> step 1... you put a hole in that box...


Yep. Warning NSFW: snl junk in the box (uncensored) - YouTube :rofl:


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

D!CK in a box! LOL


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Buy her an 18v cordless drill (Milwaukee, DeWalt or Bosch) and give it to her wrapped with a big bow. 

She'll get a gift she will never use, that you can borrow indefinitely. 

See how that works?


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

Just tell her that you are still hurting and she is going to have to make you with what you come up with. If she doesn't understand that.......make of it what you will.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

So skittles, romantic dinner, redbox, dik in a box and a power drill...


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## DarkHoly (Dec 18, 2012)

If you're serious about reconciliation there's no reason to deviate from what you would normally do. 

I think this is something that is lost on those who decide to reconcile. Of course you are entitled to feel your pain, express that pain. But if you decide to reconcile you are effectively stating that you intend to move on with this person and ultimately treat them as if you had suffered no wrong. That is what forgiveness means. People say they want to reconcile but don't really understand that, and thus enter this bizarre state where they're still with their spouse but not happy, not at peace, and I wouldn't imagine the wayward is either. For those types of people I would think that when they say they want to reconcile, what they really means is they want to have their old life back. Which is impossible. 

If you treat her with love now, as if you have suffered no wrong, you make a powerful impression on her, provided she's a human being. You will through your actions show her the difference between you and her. An affair is the precise opposite of love and selflessness. It is the opposite of the behavior of one who acts as though they have suffered no wrong. People who have affairs will go on and on about how he didn't pay attention, how she didn't give enough head, when in reality these are just retroactive straws after which they grasp. 

Treating her with love, as though you are suffering no wrong, shows her that you are the complete opposite. If there was ever a reason to hold someone in contempt, it would be an affair. But by loving her and showing her on her birthday that you love, cherish and take care of her, you are demonstrating in the best way that you choose not to let the rot of another corrupt yourself. 

Of course this is all assuming she is actually remorseful for her actions. This kind of churning is lost on those whom we could lovingly dub "cheaters with a high hand."


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

DarkHoly said:


> If you're serious about reconciliation there's no reason to deviate from what you would normally do.
> 
> I think this is something that is lost on those who decide to reconcile. Of course you are entitled to feel your pain, express that pain. But if you decide to reconcile you are effectively stating that you intend to move on with this person and ultimately treat them as if you had suffered no wrong. That is what forgiveness means. People say they want to reconcile but don't really understand that, and thus enter this bizarre state where they're still with their spouse but not happy, not at peace, and I wouldn't imagine the wayward is either. For those types of people I would think that when they say they want to reconcile, what they really means is they want to have their old life back. Which is impossible.
> 
> ...


If you decide to R, you're starting a process... you're not flipping a switch, from "being wronged" to "suffering no wrong"... He's 3 months in, pretending all is "normal" is fooling yourself.. it's not.


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## DarkHoly (Dec 18, 2012)

russell28 said:


> If you decide to R, you're starting a process... you're not flipping a switch, from "being wronged" to "suffering no wrong"... He's 3 months in, pretending all is "normal" is fooling yourself.. it's not.


I didn't know he was three months in. I understand it's not a switch, take it easy dude. I think I put in a segment where this is a transition. But would you agree that this is ultimately the goal? 

I don't think there's anything in my post advocating one to "pretend" anything.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

Mrs. John Adams said:


> Darkholy..as a ww I agree with you totally. Either you make the decision to move on or you don't. That's not to say there are not dark days, tears of regret, and moments of despair. But if you have always made Valentines day, birthdays, Christmas etc a special day...then you should continue to do so. If you have committed yourself to stay together then make every day count.
> 
> What I am reading here is a lot of "payback" stuff. Punish her by not acknowledging her birthday. I am sorry...that's just crap. There is no reason to go overboard and hire bands and clowns...but for heavens sake...it is her birthday.
> 
> ...


There's a difference between 'pay her back by ignoring her birthday' and 'toning it down because it causes triggers'...


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

DarkHoly said:


> I didn't know he was three months in. I understand it's not a switch, take it easy dude. I think I put in a segment where this is a transition. But would you agree that this is ultimately the goal?
> 
> I don't think there's anything in my post advocating one to "pretend" anything.





DarkHoly said:


> If you're serious about reconciliation there's no reason to deviate from what you would normally do.
> 
> I think this is something that is lost on those who decide to reconcile. Of course you are entitled to feel your pain, express that pain. But if you decide to reconcile you are effectively stating that you intend to move on with this person and ultimately *treat them as if you had suffered no wrong*. That is what forgiveness means. People say they want to reconcile but don't really understand that, and thus enter this bizarre state where they're still with their spouse but not happy, not at peace, and I wouldn't imagine the wayward is either. For those types of people I would think that when they say they want to reconcile, what they really means is they want to have their old life back. Which is impossible.
> 
> ...


You were done wrong.. by acting as if there was no wrong, you're basically pretending all is good. It probably isn't all good yet.. It's heading there, but there's a reason the experts say 2-5 years.. It's not an overnight process... It wasn't an attack on you, just observations.. I agree, it is a process, one that takes time and patience... dude.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

Mrs. John Adams said:


> EVERYTHING at this point triggers.


..but why go out of your way to force things that you know will be more triggery than things that aren't as triggery...

If he can do it, more power to him, I know in my case, special occasions just didn't feel so special so soon after dday.

I don't think acting as if all is normal, to show her you're above her or a better person or whatever the reason, is a good reason.. I think if she's remorseful, and you tell her "I'm just going to get you something little and we can go out for a nice dinner for your birthday, no cards because right now it's difficult for me to read them..." or "no roses, because those used to mean something special to me and right now they'll just make me trigger, eventually I'll be past this, but right now I'm not ready.." 

Something along those lines is acceptable imo..


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## hawx20 (Jan 10, 2013)

Well, for the first time in a few weeks, I triggered last night and I really dont feel like doing anything right now. Its weird the stuff that triggers you. She walked out of the bathroom looking very sexy and did a sexy pose for me. She was getting dressed to go to her workout class and she always looks incredible in her yoga pants and tank top.

Anyways, a few minutes after she left I imagined her walking out of the bathroom at a hotel doing a sexy pose while the OM was in bed waiting for her.....I tried so hard to squash the thoughts but this anger lingered inside me for a while. 

I just kept trying to calm myself down while she was gone and I felt the need to be with her. I had mentioned to her when she did that pose that I was anxiously waiting for bedtime so I kept telling myself to just keep the anger down.......

Well, her favorite show was on and it ran late....of course I could already see her getting tired so I pretty much knew nothing would happen. When we went to bed I just lied down and she basically told me she was tired but we could do something if i wanted......oh that pissed me off because it brought me back to before dday when sex with her was just "i'm tired but i'll give you sex to shut you up".....I'm pretty sure that wasnt her intention, but it just reminded me of that and caused me to trigger again....Luckily I didnt get mad at all, it just made me get back in the mode where I just didnt care anymore.....

I was doing so well not having a trigger for the longest time...I'm trying to get back to the way I was yesterday when I posted this but right now I just dont feel like doing anything...but i'm hoping to get over this small bump soon.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

hawx20 said:


> Well, for the first time in a few weeks, I triggered last night and I really dont feel like doing anything right now. Its weird the stuff that triggers you. She walked out of the bathroom looking very sexy and did a sexy pose for me. She was getting dressed to go to her workout class and she always looks incredible in her yoga pants and tank top.
> 
> Anyways, a few minutes after she left I imagined her walking out of the bathroom at a hotel doing a sexy pose while the OM was in bed waiting for her.....I tried so hard to squash the thoughts but this anger lingered inside me for a while.
> 
> ...


To the WS, she's just tired and had a long day.. and not in the mood.

To the BS, she's being cold again.. her offer is 'duty sex', like when she had an OM... He doubts if she really loves him, if the passion they've had recently is just her trying to appease him, or if she's really feeling love.... Was the OM a better lover, and now she misses him? It goes on and on... Did he get those poses? Is she doing that for me now, because she did it for him and feels like she needs to out of guilt? 

It's part of the process. 

The important things, she's trying with her sexy poses.. she did offer, and it wasn't to cover up an affair this time, or for lack of passion, it's because she wants to do the right thing and put you first, and make you happy.

You going into 'not caring' mode is your hearts way of protecting itself.. not letting her all the way back in, so she can't hurt you again. 

Keep focusing on what's real, and what's your imagination.. after an affair, the imagination has a hard time switching back to 'I know what's going on' mode after spending so much time in 'I have no idea what's going on, but I'm suspicious as hell that something is' mode...


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## DarkHoly (Dec 18, 2012)

russell28 said:


> You were done wrong.. by acting as if there was no wrong, you're basically pretending all is good. It probably isn't all good yet.. It's heading there, but there's a reason the experts say 2-5 years.. It's not an overnight process... It wasn't an attack on you, just observations.. I agree, it is a process, one that takes time and patience... dude.


I didn't say to act like nothing's wrong. I said you treat them and love them as if you had not suffered wrong. You forgot to bold the part where I mention you're entitled to being angry and express it. 

Like I said before, I don't expect someone to do this immediately. I never said it was a switch, and I never said or insinuated you should pretend nothing is wrong. But if someone is going to reconcile, the goal is to get to a point where the affair does not affect the way you treat the person.


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## hawx20 (Jan 10, 2013)

Mrs. John Adams said:


> EVERYTHING at this point triggers.



I know i just wrote a post about triggering, but nothing had triggered me for a good while. I actually want to do her birthday for the reasons you posted. I dont want to show her I fear losing her, I dont want to show her how hurt I am, and I dont want to "scare" her into staying with me.

I want to show her I'm relatively fine. I'm a strong man who has shocked everyone by how well I'm handling this. I want to show her how good of a man/husband she has and that she would have to be out of her mind to ever risk losing me again. In a way, I wanted to do this for myself, as well as her. 

I dont want her thinking of me as a broken and hurt man. I want her to think of me as a strong and secure man. Someone who loves her more than anyone ever could, would protect her better than anyone, and be someone she could always count on. I want her to see how "valuable" I am and she better protect that or she will lose it.


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## user_zero (Aug 30, 2013)

hawx20 said:


> Well, for the first time in a few weeks, I triggered last night and I really dont feel like doing anything right now. Its weird the stuff that triggers you. She walked out of the bathroom looking very sexy and did a sexy pose for me. She was getting dressed to go to her workout class and she always looks incredible in her yoga pants and tank top.
> 
> Anyways, a few minutes after she left I imagined her walking out of the bathroom at a hotel doing a sexy pose while the OM was in bed waiting for her.....I tried so hard to squash the thoughts but this anger lingered inside me for a while.
> 
> ...


you don't have to give her birthday gift if you are not there yet. there is nothing wrong with it. if you're still in pain (and you have every right to be) you don't have to celebrate her birthday. if I were I would just be honest (not necessarily rude) about it. I would tell her it's hard for me to celebrate the birthday of someone that hurt me so much.


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## hawx20 (Jan 10, 2013)

russell28 said:


> To the WS, she's just tired and had a long day.. and not in the mood.
> 
> To the BS, she's being cold again.. her offer is 'duty sex', like when she had an OM... He doubts if she really loves him, if the passion they've had recently is just her trying to appease him, or if she's really feeling love.... Was the OM a better lover, and now she misses him? It goes on and on... Did he get those poses? Is she doing that for me now, because she did it for him and feels like she needs to out of guilt?
> 
> ...


99% yes. All but the OM being a better lover. There is no way in hell that loser is better than me at anything, especially that! Bravo, that described me perfectly right now.



Mrs. John Adams said:


> ahh bless your heart. Those things just sneak up on you like that and spin you out of control. I see it happen to my husband. He always tell me he feels much better when I am around.
> 
> Take this opportunity to TELL her exactly what happened. She will only know if you tell her. and believe me...she WANTS to know. It will sting...yes...but her ultimate goal is to make YOU feel better. So when you trigger...tell her...and tell her what did it. That way she can also avoid doing that again. My husband likes for me to hold him and love him when he triggers. I don't know if that is what you need...but if it is....you must tell her that too.


Another great piece of advice! Its so strange to feel better when the person who did this to you is around. I didnt trigger until she left the house and my mind started racing. How do I tell her the thing she did made me trigger but its something shes done before (and I love when she does it), and it never triggered before? I dont want her to stop doing it because she looks sooooo good when she does stuff like that.

Like I said, shes done it a bunch of times and it never made me trigger. I dont know what it was that did it.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

hawx20 said:


> Well, for the first time in a few weeks, I triggered last night and I really dont feel like doing anything right now. Its weird the stuff that triggers you. She walked out of the bathroom looking very sexy and did a sexy pose for me. She was getting dressed to go to her workout class and she always looks incredible in her yoga pants and tank top.
> 
> Anyways, a few minutes after she left I imagined her walking out of the bathroom at a hotel doing a sexy pose while the OM was in bed waiting for her.....I tried so hard to squash the thoughts but this anger lingered inside me for a while.
> 
> ...


How often does she work out? Didn't she use her working out and gym as an excuse to cheat on you?

Can you tell us a bit more about the changes she made since D-day?

Have you made any more effort to find out more about her affair beyond what she told you?


You are getting back to old marriage gradually.A cynical part of me thinks she sexed you up a bit after D-day to manage the situation.


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## hawx20 (Jan 10, 2013)

warlock07 said:


> How often does she work out? Didn't she use her working out and gym as an excuse to cheat on you?
> 
> Can you tell us a bit more about the changes she made since D-day?
> 
> ...


No, the gym was never the excuse. In fact, it was me who told her to get back to the gym. I didnt want to live in a "police state". She has her facebook and email back, no cell phone because I broke it and our contract isnt up....I told her shes free to live her life as she sees fit. She will either love and cherish me, or she will decide to revert back....Either way, I'm good with myself if I need to leave her. Thats what matters. I know I will be okay and I want her to stay from choice, not fear. 

She has done a complete 180 and is back to being the woman i fell in love with, married, and lived with for several years. She has done pretty much everything right since I decided to stay. As far as her story, I'm satisfied with what I found out its not a concern anymore.

I dont think she sexed me up. Sure, we did/are doing the hysterical bonding but thats normal. I see the hurt in her eyes and I see the fear in her eyes when she thinks things arent right. She is afraid I will wake up one morning and decide to leave her. I think she would rather me say I hate her than say I dont care. Hearing me tell her I dont care cuts her deep. She told the MC that she wants me to hate her, because at least she knows I feel something for her. Shes afraid I just dont care at all about her.

I know this trigger was all on me. She didnt do anything wrong or to provoke. Your mind is your worst enemy sometimes and its just so easy to take your anger out on the WS.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

If there would have been no cheating then there would be no triggering. I'm not saying this to impede your progress in any way. Just to point out that it was all on me may not be a healthy approach. 

While I have no experience with r. I would think that discussing triggers with her should be healthy in the long run as she can hopefully provide some reassurance as you both progress thru the process. 

Good luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## love=pain (Nov 26, 2012)

DarkHoly said:


> If you're serious about reconciliation there's no reason to deviate from what you would normally do.
> 
> I think this is something that is lost on those who decide to reconcile. Of course you are entitled to feel your pain, express that pain. But if you decide to reconcile you are effectively stating that you intend to move on with this person and ultimately treat them as if you had suffered no wrong. That is what forgiveness means. People say they want to reconcile but don't really understand that, and thus enter this bizarre state where they're still with their spouse but not happy, not at peace, and I wouldn't imagine the wayward is either. For those types of people I would think that when they say they want to reconcile, what they really means is they want to have their old life back. Which is impossible.
> 
> ...


Nice reply and you are right I know I look back and wish I was there, I think you find comfort in the good things in your past and it can be hard to let them go especially when turmoil in your life forces you into the future that has so many questions. I guess those that have the skill to embrace their new future without fear or hesitation are the ones who are quicker to heal, wish I was there just not yet.

I agree with this thinking provided you can do it, nothing shows your love and commitment then doing some of the special things you used to do before Dday.
However it can be a tough thing to pull off if you just don't feel it, your heart won't be in it and she will be able to tell. Maybe that's a good thing she should at least appreciate you are trying.

I struggle with the whole love thing (I do love her not sure I love her like I used to or if I ever will) and so soon after your dday it is tough to plan and execute a special day when your emotions are jumbled.
Hope you find a good solution


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

hawx20 said:


> I know i just wrote a post about triggering, but nothing had triggered me for a good while. I actually want to do her birthday for the reasons you posted. I dont want to show her I fear losing her, I dont want to show her how hurt I am, and I dont want to "scare" her into staying with me.
> 
> I want to show her I'm relatively fine. I'm a strong man who has shocked everyone by how well I'm handling this. I want to show her how good of a man/husband she has and that she would have to be out of her mind to ever risk losing me again. In a way, I wanted to do this for myself, as well as her.
> 
> I dont want her thinking of me as a broken and hurt man. I want her to think of me as a strong and secure man. Someone who loves her more than anyone ever could, would protect her better than anyone, and be someone she could always count on. I want her to see how "valuable" I am and she better protect that or she will lose it.


You can be a strong man, and be broken and hurt.. The two are not mutually exclusive. She realizes now how valuable you are.. putting up a front won't change that, but it can make you build up resentments from bottling it all up inside... that's something to watch out for. If you're angry and in pain, tell her...


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## hawx20 (Jan 10, 2013)

workindad said:


> If there would have been no cheating then there would be no triggering.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I find describing my life after dday is best done with the term "relatively speaking".

I'm actually very fine right now....relatively speaking of course.

When I say it was all on me, I meant that relatively speaking. She didnt do anything last night to cause me to trigger. In fact, she did something I absolutely love seeing her do and dont want her to stop doing it. Shes done it plenty of times before but for some reason, something snapped this time. 

The thing about triggering is how random it is. There was no reason for me to trigger. I still cant figure out why I did. It just did.


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

hawx20 said:


> I find describing my life after dday is best done with the term "relatively speaking".
> 
> I'm actually very fine right now....relatively speaking of course.
> 
> ...


It's odd and uncontrollable at first. Hang in there man.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

Mrs. John Adams said:


> ahh bless your heart. Those things just sneak up on you like that and spin you out of control. I see it happen to my husband. He always tell me he feels much better when I am around.
> 
> Take this opportunity to TELL her exactly what happened. She will only know if you tell her. and believe me...she WANTS to know. It will sting...yes...but her ultimate goal is to make YOU feel better. So when you trigger...tell her...and tell her what did it. That way she can also avoid doing that again. My husband likes for me to hold him and love him when he triggers. I don't know if that is what you need...but if it is....you must tell her that too.


This is good advice.. I was having an issue with an intimate situation, and the wife asked if it was because she put on weight (she looks normal now instead of starved..).. I told her that I love her no matter what her weight is, I'm just dealing with some bad thoughts that will pass in a second.. thank her for being patient with me. We get through those moments, and they are becoming fewer and further in between because we talk about it..


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

Mrs. John Adams said:


> joe kidd...not just at first ....thirty years later....still... Maybe not as much or as often or as intense and maybe eventually you learn to deal with them better...but according to my sweetheart...they still come.
> 
> It breaks my heart...30 years and he still hurts. Look what I did to us


30 yrs? I can't see myself putting up with these for 30 yrs. That is truly depressing.


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## hawx20 (Jan 10, 2013)

Mrs. John Adams said:


> joe kidd...not just at first ....thirty years later....still... Maybe not as much or as often or as intense and maybe eventually you learn to deal with them better...but according to my sweetheart...they still come.
> 
> It breaks my heart...30 years and he still hurts. Look what I did to us


I dont know how I will feel in 30 years but if we're still together then, well I'd say the happiness far outweighs the bad.

I know I will never forget what she did. It will follow me until the day i die. I told my wife the other day that things will never be the same between us. Its not necessarily a bad thing though.

I kind of see it like our life was supposed to be point a to b. somewhere we got off the trail and we'll never get to b, but c may not be to bad. Sure, it will never be as good as point b, but point c can still be happy place.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

Mrs. John Adams said:


> yes sweetheart....it has been thirty years and he still triggers. I don't mean to be the bearer of bad news. Maybe you will be a lucky one and it will not happen to you! Keep your hope up!


Don't forget, the issue had never really been dealt with until very recently. So for you it was thirty years ago but to John it was yesterday. His recovery has just started.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Well, I'll tell you...

This thing with her going to the gym? That's a bunch of bullsh!t...

Gyms and health clubs are nothing more than meat markets for waywards. 

And that's all I have to say about that.


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## hawx20 (Jan 10, 2013)

bandit.45 said:


> Well, I'll tell you...
> 
> This thing with her going to the gym? That's a bunch of bullsh!t...
> 
> ...


Well I say gym but its really just classes that her friend runs. Kickboxing, spin, etc. Its not an actual gym like Golds or Ballys.

Plus, if she wants to cheat again....i say go for it. I'm not going to spend my life watching her every move in fear of her cheating. She saw the damage she caused to not only me, but to the children and our parents. So if she wants to do that again, then I hope she does because that will tell me this woman isnt worth crap and I'll gladly move on.


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## kalimata (Jan 29, 2014)

Have you thought about getting a Kintsugi bowl for her birthday? I saw this on another site and thought it was a great idea.

Kintsugi is the Japanese art of restoring broken pottery, dating back to the Shogun era. Kintsugi craftsmen repair the pottery and fill in the cracks with gold. The resulting piece is often more beautiful and valuable than the original. Here is an example:

http://tinyurl.com/lwtqglr

Use the broken pottery as a metaphor for your heart/marriage. With time and effort, the broken bowl can be made whole again. Once mended your heart/marriage will be stronger and more beautiful than before it was shattered to pieces.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

D-day last year was a week before my wife's b-day. I threw away every b-day card that came in the mail to her, the one from my mother ect, she does not know this to this day. So I am a year out and her b-day is on Valentine's day.

My wife has made big strides in trying to fix things and I am just doing the "Bandit" thing. Ice cream and a cake.

Too many triggers right now and her b-day (Valentine's day) is a big one.

Next year I hope it will be different. Hopefully you will have years to mend and will be able to celebrate these events in a different light.

I am thinking of just getting away for that weekend locally, just the two of us in a local hotel. Nothing fancy per se, but a little get away.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

bandit.45 said:


> Well, I'll tell you...
> 
> This thing with her going to the gym? That's a bunch of bullsh!t...
> 
> ...


Or... they aren't actually at the gym...


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## hawx20 (Jan 10, 2013)

I am up for doing something for her birthday but I have zero interest in Valentines Day. I think she needs to do something special for me on that day, even though its typically known more as a womans day.

As far as the gym, its literally a block away and they are always posting pictures and videos on facebook of the workout class. I'm not worried about her not being there


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

My WW’s bday was 8 days after DD. I took the kids to get her gifts. Told them to plan whatever they wanted. Kids made hotdogs for dinner, opened gifts, and her and the kids watched a movie together. I went downstairs and worked the heavy bag until I couldn’t lift my arms anymore. Then went to bed.

It wasn’t until the 4th year that I bought her a small gift and card. We’ll never really celebrate it again since she did make a really bad choice on that first one to see and screw her OP while I was getting gifts with the kids. One of those ‘unforgivable acts’. Because she is remorseful, she does understand that she's essentially forfeited celebration of that date. That small gift actually made her cry that I made an effort on what is a horrible memory for me.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Why didn't you drag her to bed instead of letting her watch TV?

Getting cøck blocked by the idiot box is worse than the OM.

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## brokeneric (Jan 27, 2014)

How do handle kids bdays after this kind of a mess?


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## maaz3231 (May 27, 2011)

I did not do anything special for my wife for more than a year after dday. She did not get a birthday present, Christmas present, Valentine's Day present...nothing. That changes eventually. However, to this day, I will never get her a card for anything and I will not accept a card for anything. She got me a card for our anniversary less than a month before she cheated. Of course the card said how much she loved me and wanted no one else. So cards may forever be out of the equation.


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## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

OP,

It depends on why you are doing everything. If you are doing it to be a better person, a better man or have a better relationship then great.

If you are doing out of fear or weakness then no.

You do need to make sure you do not reward her for cheating or minimize what happened. You can provide justification of the affair by showing that it was the fact you were a bad husband before and all these shows that you even know it.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey Hawx---I hate to rain on this parade---(rain that's a word I don't use anymore---we finally had a few drops of rain tonight---1st time its rained in all of jan.---our governor is about to announce we are going on water rationing)---but that has nothing to do with your situation does it

I would not recognize her B'day at all------as another poster said---aid the kids in getting presents from them for her, and let them give her a dinner, or whatever----you should take no part---it is too soon

She treated you and her family like you were meaningless, she gave herself to others, in many ways---and all of those situations were done with little or no thought of repercussions to you and the kids, and what it would/will do to you for the rest of your lives.

There has to be accountability, and she just cannot be allowed to go back to her lifestyle as it was prior to the A.

Maybe in a year or 2 you can have little celebrations---but at this point in time, you cannot be SOFT/EASY/NICE---it is contra to everything you are working toward, if you ease up---for that sends the message to her---that she can crap all over you---destroy you---take another man to her, as if she was discarding you----and basically it won't bother you THAT much, and you will continue on with life the way it was prior to her cheating, and "dissing" of the family--------it is tooooo sooooon for nice things to start happening----my vote----as far as you are concerned---her b'day does not exist in the year 2014.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

My WS first birthday after dday happened to fall on the same night my sister was throwing a big bash at her posh manse....

He actually thought I was throwing a surprise birthday party for him there and her invites were just a [email protected]#$#@%!!!!!!!

He said "you know I hate surprises"

I had to pick my jaw up off the ground, "Don't worry, it isnt a surprise party for you"

Lets hope your wayward appreciated whatever he gets from you, he is lucky to receive any gift at this point....

Hopefully, your spouse is not quite as narcissistic, I agree to keep it low key and tasteful. I felt the same around the holidays. I got him something beautiful but practical. Something he needed whether we stayed together or not. A new leather belt.


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## TOMTEFAR (Feb 23, 2013)

hawx20 said:


> Well, for the first time in a few weeks, I triggered last night and I really dont feel like doing anything right now. Its weird the stuff that triggers you. She walked out of the bathroom looking very sexy and did a sexy pose for me. She was getting dressed to go to her workout class and she always looks incredible in her yoga pants and tank top.
> 
> Anyways, a few minutes after she left I imagined her walking out of the bathroom at a hotel doing a sexy pose while the OM was in bed waiting for her.....I tried so hard to squash the thoughts but this anger lingered inside me for a while.
> 
> ...


I hope you told her that you triggered because of this. I hope you told her that it hurt you. You need to air your feelings and thoughts. You don't need to do it in an angry manner but you need to let them out. She needs to help you manage this.


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## TheFlood117 (Mar 24, 2013)

Give her a card. And within that card have there be Divorce Papers. Then a big happy birthday.....











No, no no. I'm kidding. You're reconciling so wish her happy birthday and try. TRY. To be nice. But you don't need to make a big deal about it. Not. At. All. Just be civil and nice to her. If you want to go out to dinner then that's cool. But I say no. But to each their own. 

In short, don't worry about it. Acknowledge her birth day then kinda just move on. Only interfere if she's like- 

"like I wanna go out and see my friends and drink and stuff, cause it's my birthday, blah, blah, blah". 

Don't let her leave your sight or proximity. 

Trust but verify, always with cheating wives.


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## hawx20 (Jan 10, 2013)

jim123 said:


> OP,
> 
> It depends on why you are doing everything. If you are doing it to be a better person, a better man or have a better relationship then great.
> 
> ...


I know I had nothing to do with her affair. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that it was 100% her selfishness. That being said, I know I wasnt the perfect husband. I know I could have been more romantic, more spontaneous, etc. 

I'm doing this because I want to be a better man and husband. I want a better marriage, even better than it was in the good years, before her MLC turned her into someone I didnt like.

I do nothing out of fear, especially in regards to losing her. In fact, I almost feel fearless in my marriage right now. I think its because I took one of the worst blows life could deal you, went through the pain of losing her, and I'm still standing tall. Thats why I chose not to live in a police state with her. If shes going to cheat again, shes going to cheat. I can watch her like a hawk and let her know that I am....but in my opinion, thats living a life of fear. So afraid she will cheat again that watching her dominates my life. I dont want to live like that. Shes free to do whatever she wants. Now I will verify from time to time, but only if I see a reason to.

My strategy for my marriage is to be the best husband I can be. Emotionally, for some reason, I am in a pretty good place right now, all things considered. I want to be the best I can be and if she decides she wants to cheat again, more power to her. I'll be on my way, with my kids, and waste no more time on her. She has done a complete 180 and is back to being the woman I loved. Obviously things arent perfect. We both know this. She has taken the brunt of my emotions when she needed to and hasnt complained one bit about doing so. 

I did tell her yesterday about why I was upset and she told me I need to tell her when I feel that way so we can get through it together. She got mad at me for not sharing that with her and then apologized for putting us through this. She told me she was a royal a-hole and back stabber, doesnt deserve the chance I'm giving her, and wishes she could change the past.

I had gotten over the trigger before I got home from work. The plans our still on for her birthday. I'm doing it for me as much as her. I'm trying to make myself better. I was trying to keep it a surprise for the last minute but I told her the entire plan I had. She started crying and kissing me....probably a mixture of happy and sad tears. She said she wasnt expecting anything and didnt deserve anything. I told her my reasons for doing it and told her I want her to be a better wife and me be a better husband. 

All in all, I feel good about this.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

maaz3231 said:


> I did not do anything special for my wife for more than a year after dday. She did not get a birthday present, Christmas present, Valentine's Day present...nothing. That changes eventually. However, to this day, I will never get her a card for anything and I will not accept a card for anything. She got me a card for our anniversary less than a month before she cheated. Of course the card said how much she loved me and wanted no one else. So cards may forever be out of the equation.


I had a fight with my wife during her affair, she got me a humorous card for our anniversary, and at that point I was waiting for any sign she still even liked me.. so it pissed me off. I should have seen that as a red flag, but just thought it was her being an insensitive jerk, not a cheating insensitive jerk.. She was with her OM for five birthdays, mine and hers.. ya, I also haven't been big into the cards, and probably never will be again.


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## hawx20 (Jan 10, 2013)

russell28 said:


> I had a fight with my wife during her affair, she got me a humorous card for our anniversary, and at that point I was waiting for any sign she still even liked me.. so it pissed me off. I should have seen that as a red flag, but just thought it was her being an insensitive jerk, not a cheating insensitive jerk.. She was with her OM for five birthdays, mine and hers.. ya, I also haven't been big into the cards, and probably never will be again.


I wasnt into cards much before the affair and now I surely will never be. Most are just so sappy, its a little ridiculous.

Reading them doesnt make me upset or sad, it just feels awkward. I hope my wife doesnt get me a card anytime soon. It would be really awkward if she did.


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## johnAdams (May 22, 2013)

I would go along with try to treat her birthday normal, whatever you did on past birthdays. I found out about my wife's affair the weekend before Thanksgiving. I did not yet know the details (I had not asked). We had a great make-up session and had a wonderful Thanksgiving. Between Thanksgiving and Christmas, I was told all the details. I was in one hell of a roller coaster during this time frame, but we had a very good Christmas and treated it like a normal Christmas. The only significant day that I remember bothering me was the first anniversary we celebrated after Dday. That would be about 4 months later. We always go for a nice dinner, which we did, but, it did not feel right. I was triggering terrible that night. Anyway, if you are serious about reconciling, I think you have to try to maintain a somewhat normal lifestyle. I like normal, I like things to go smooth, I do not like change, I like to feel comfortable with my life. Even though a bomb was dropped on you, you have to try to return to some degree of normal. By celebrating her birthday, you are not condoning her actions, you are trying to show her you still care. If you are reconciling, you care for her and have to show it. Just like she has to show you she cares and is remorseful for her actions.


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## 1812overture (Nov 25, 2013)

hawx20 said:


> I did tell her yesterday about why I was upset and she told me I need to tell her when I feel that way so we can get through it together. She got mad at me for not sharing that with her and then apologized for putting us through this. She told me she was a royal a-hole and back stabber, doesnt deserve the chance I'm giving her, and wishes she could change the past.


Since I know your story from a year ago, is it fair to ask you (and ask you if you asked her) why she didn't care about how you were feeling a year ago when all she could come up with was duty sex? You love your wife, and your family, and keeping them and making it truly happy matters. But. . . while you are saying you weren't a perfect husband (no one is) was she thinking that abut herself before her affair? 

If you are truly as at peace with her and yourself as you seem, then block all my future comments, because what I've got to say is inapplicable. But she put you through the ringer before her affair (or at least while she was having an affair, I'm not sure about the overlap). When she was doing that, and you were worried about your marriage and how you were losing her, you didn't have an affair. You tried to make things better. You tried to tell her how you felt.

She then jumps into bed with another guy, and suddenly NOW she wants to know how you feel? Have you asked her if she has made any special dinner plans for the night of the Oscars, which a year ago she preferred to you?


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## hawx20 (Jan 10, 2013)

Mrs. John Adams said:


> Hawx20 has made an impression on me...one that I admire and respect.



Thank you. The feeling is mutual.

1812,

You are right. I came here to TAM one year ago because of sex, the lack of quantity to be exact. She had become a very ugly person at times. She admitted as much. She told me she shut me out of her heart, de-prioritized me, and basically took all her issues about herself, and projected them on to me. In her mind, she made me the bad guy and acted as such.

I did the right thing. I didnt give up, I tried to work through it, but being with someone with that attitude is hard to do. I think, part of the reason I'm handling her affair so well, is because I may have checked out of the marriage at some point. I was still there everyday trying to make it work, but I cant say I was in love with the woman. 

So yes, her attitude and the way she treated me is just as hard, if not harder, to accept than the actual act of her having sex with someone else. She was definitely in some type of fog from the affair and her MLC. As I've said before, this MLC she went through really took her off the deep end. Some of the things she wanted/thought she could do were so absurd unless she was 21 years old without kids/husband/full time job. 

On dday, I think it hit her like a brick wall what an idiot she had become. Seeing the pain she caused me, the shame she now felt, and seeing the damage she did to the kids snapped her back to reality. As i've said all along, she betrayed her son more than she betrayed me. She didnt realize that until after she was busted. 

She says she saw the error of her ways and cant believe she got caught up with the lifestyle she was leading. She is back to being the woman I fell in love with, married, and lived with happily for about 5 years. Is it all an act as some of you think? Possibly. Only she knows for sure. Is there any WS who could ever be trusted right after dday? I know I can still be in love with her, and I hope she says the same. As for now, I am optimistically cautious about the whole thing. 

The thing that is different now is that I'm not afraid to lose her. I'm not afraid to divorce her if it needs to come to that. If she ever cheats or reverts back to her old ways, I'm gone. No third chance will be given. Life will continue with or without her. I'm not going to police her, watch her every move in fear of her cheating. I couldnt care less if she cheats again. If she wants to do that, shes going to do it regardless if I watch her like a hawk or not. I refuse to let fear rule my life. I know that I will be good with or without her in my life. All I want to be is the best man/husband/father I can possibly be. If thats not enough for her, well so be it. 

She will never find a man like me. Looking at her past history in men, specifically the AP (who is my stepsons father), she will never come close to having a man as good as me. She will either choose to have a long, happy, and loving life or she will choose to be stupid again. I know what I have to give to a woman. I'm not worried.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

hawx20 said:


> The thing that is different now is that I'm not afraid to lose her. I'm not afraid to divorce her if it needs to come to that. If she ever cheats or reverts back to her old ways, I'm gone. No third chance will be given. Life will continue with or without her. I'm not going to police her, watch her every move in fear of her cheating. I couldnt care less if she cheats again. If she wants to do that, shes going to do it regardless if I watch her like a hawk or not. I refuse to let fear rule my life. I know that I will be good with or without her in my life. All I want to be is the best man/husband/father I can possibly be. If thats not enough for her, well so be it.
> 
> She will never find a man like me. Looking at her past history in men, specifically the AP (who is my stepsons father), she will never come close to having a man as good as me. She will either choose to have a long, happy, and loving life or she will choose to be stupid again. I know what I have to give to a woman. I'm not worried.


Does she know this? 

I'd print this out and paste it on her mirror in the bathroom.


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## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Does she know this?
> 
> I'd print this out and paste it on her mirror in the bathroom.


Only words, Words not backed up with actions have no meaning over time.


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