# Don't lie



## Sven (Nov 18, 2009)

Lying = pain.

That's just such a huge issue in a marriage. Is lying really worth the cost?


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## peacefully (Nov 13, 2009)

It is not worth the cost. However, some people are very selfish and they don't care or see the cost to other people. They are only concerned with themselves. They lie to shift blame and not take responsibility. It is cruel behavior.
From all I have seen and been through, I believe that people who lie about hurtful things, generally keep lying. You might get a glimmer of truth now and then, but they will always revert back to their behavior. A tiger can't change it's stripes.
Look after yourself, and protect yourself.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Was told today that I "made" my wife lie. I never realized I yielded that much power.

But if I could MAKE her lie, shouldn't I be able to MAKE her tell the truth?

Or did I lose my magic power after my first trick?


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## Bigsigh (Oct 26, 2009)

peacefully said:


> It is not worth the cost. However, some people are very selfish and they don't care or see the cost to other people. They are only concerned with themselves. They lie to shift blame and not take responsibility. It is cruel behavior.
> From all I have seen and been through, I believe that people who lie about hurtful things, generally keep lying. You might get a glimmer of truth now and then, but they will always revert back to their behavior. A tiger can't change it's stripes.
> Look after yourself, and protect yourself.


I'm not quite sure how to respond to this....if you're partner (me) is saying they need some help in a situation (for myself: a rebelious teenage step-daughter) and there is NO help offerered up. A crisis comes and said step-daughter are able to make it through and find each other. It's now good. We understand how the other was feeling. Father has left (step-daughter still living with us...me and my kids who she consdiers siblings after 10 years, living with us for three..) Anyway...he left after we worked it out says I was cold and cruel. I could very well say the same thing about him. i needed help dealing with the lying...stealing....disrespect, etc. At some point, the other perspective MUST come into play because that is where the hurtful feelings happen. People are selfish when they cannot see that someone else is hurting and label them as cold and cruel...

I dont know if I made sense there or not. The bottom line is there are feelings involved for all and if someone is selfish enough to not see the whole picture...then it makes you wonder who is cold and cruell....


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

nice777guy said:


> Was told today that I "made" my wife lie. I never realized I yielded that much power.
> 
> But if I could MAKE her lie, shouldn't I be able to MAKE her tell the truth?
> 
> Or did I lose my magic power after my first trick?


I think she means you make the choice to lie seem easier than telling the truth...What would your reaction be if she told the truth in these cases?

I'm not saying it's okay to lie, but open communication only works if both parties feel 'safe' doing so.


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## Sven (Nov 18, 2009)

That's a good point. My kids know that if they tell me the truth they will be treated fair. I make sure they know it. I want them to be more afraid of telling me a lie than whatever they did to get in trouble!

It's important to keep a level head.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Sorry - my reaction to "the truth" would have been a reasonable discussion. She wanted to go out - very late - with a man for drinks. If she was being honest, maybe it would have just been a lunch date - and we wouldn't be in the mess we are in today.


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## Sven (Nov 18, 2009)

Why do spouses think that is even remotely okay?


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

And my wife felt safe for 14.5 years telling me the truth. It wasn't until she started doing things that she knew weren't right that she started lying.

Not sure what flipped that switch - boredom? Need for excitement? Whatever happened, it hasn't been flipped back yet.


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## wherewegofromhere (Sep 1, 2009)

As wrong as it is, lying is a reality. And it's things that couples deal with all the time. And just to be clear, because some people don't consider this -- but lying by omission, to me, is still lying. 

Lying in marriages a lot of times is done to avoid conflict. "Well I won't tell my wife I'm meeting my ex because it'll make her upset." Or "I can't tell my husband I'm behind on this bill or he'll work even more hours."

And if the meeting with the ex-wife is harmless and doesn't result in anything but you know your spouse would be outraged regardless -- Is wanting to lie in that situation something that is really that impossible to understand? It's not right, not right at all-- but I don't believe that anyone here is so morally above it all that the logic of that is so difficult to grasp. 

Lies are like ticking time bombs.

They can and usually do end up causing more trouble than you wanted to avoid but I don't agree with the idea that it's always done to be selfish or out of some malicious intent. 

My husband has lied to me -- a lie that has now caused what I imagine might be irreparable damage but I can look it objectively enough to know it wasn't done to be cold and cruel. 

I agree wholeheartedly with swedish. It's a two way street and I don't believe people lie unless they're backed into a situation where they feel they can't tell the truth. 

My mother is one of the most devout Catholics I know and when I confessed to her a heavy secret and asked her what I should do with it she said to me. "While wanting to tell the truth every time, all the time is noble. It's not practical." 

It's one of those harsh dark truths about reality. 

And it could be for stupid things. Like "going out for milk" but really stepping out for a smoke. It seems small and a silly thing to lie about but think about what made your spouse feel that being caught smoking would result in. 

So when you confront your spouse about why they lied about something, I think it's very crucial to consider what part you may have played in it. 

Do we make it easy to tell the truth?


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Not only did my wife lie about going out with her female friend "S", who was really a guy from high school who had a big crush on her - but when I confronted her after finding 800 texts to one number within the first two weeks of her having her new iPhone, she TOTALLY covered it up further. I was actually apologizing to her before the night was over for overreacting.

My wife didn't just tell one lie, she's started a pattern of lying. And, regardless of her intent, I can honestly say she has lied to me more in the last 6 months than the first 14.5 years of our marriage.

I think its OK to say "No honey, your butt doesn't look big in those jeans.", but i don't think its ever OK to lie - repeatedly - about meeting someone behind your spouses back because you don't (supposedly) want to upset them.

Suprising thread here.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Now - its easier for me to understand the fun that would go along with sneaking around with someone. The attention that person is giving you. But to say they are lying to spare us somehow I think is a crock. They are lying to protect their new 'hobby'. I can understand the excitement of the hobby - but not repeated lies.

I feel I can no longer trust my wife when she tells me her favorite color. If she had said "I'm having these strange feelings and not sure I want to be here" it would have been hard - but we've gotten to hard. Hard has not been avoided.

Right now, honesty is the primary issue I see in my marriage. I don't feel I can work on anything else until I feel she's being at least MOSTLY truthful again. How do you work with / negotiate with a liar? If they agree to cut off contact - for the 10th time - why believe them the 11th.

I don't have time - but google "The boy who cried wolf." I can understand the thrill he may have felt, enjoying all of the initial attention. But I also think he got what was coming to him in the end - and it WASN'T the townspeoples fault.

Sorry - but you guys are dancing on a very sensitive nerve for me right now.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

One more clarification - yes - maybe if an "ex" from high school is passing through town and wants to meet you for lunch - maybe.

But how many people have met that "ex" thinking "oh, its only one time...", and then it turns into something more?

Seems like there's just something about those secret meetings that gets our juices and imaginations flowing.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

nice777guy said:


> And my wife felt safe for 14.5 years telling me the truth. It wasn't until she started doing things that she knew weren't right that she started lying.
> 
> Not sure what flipped that switch - boredom? Need for excitement? Whatever happened, it hasn't been flipped back yet.


So, she wanted to see a guy she'd been massively texting, etc...knew darn well it was wrong and lied so she could do it anyway....and somehow you 'made' her lie....I don't even get that one....I get why she lied...she is doing things she knows are wrong in the context of marriage and would not be able to defend the truth without looking bad....but to blame you...that's just nutty.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Had she said "I've been chatting on facebook with 'M' and we are thinking of going out for lunch one day", it would have been a much different discussion. Due to her history with him, it may not have been a pleasant discussion, but I would know I could still trust her.

Or - even better - "Hey, been chatting with 'M' and was thinking we'd get together with him and his wife for drinks some night."

She had a lot of different choices that didn't involve lying. But they probably didn't seem as exciting.

Like I said, this is my "hot button" right now. The lies snowballed - one to cover another - to the point that I'm not really sure what happened or what is still going on. Six months into trying to save my marriage and I don't know how to work with someone I can't trust.

Yes - we all have some blame and none of us are perfect. But there are a thousand different ways to deal with a marriage that you are unsatisfied with. A million different ways to make your life more interesting that don't involve compromising your marriage, your children, your family.

(nice777guy - steps off of soapbox and exits stage left...)


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## stormygal60 (Nov 29, 2009)

I think lying ( except for those little white lies like "no your butt doesnt look big") destroys your relationship. One lie leads to the next and soon you dont know whats true and whats a lie. and then the person being lied to is the one who starts to feel crazy!


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