# how do I tell my husband Im lonely and need his attention without........



## tdtanner

Help me out here, I could really use the advice, Im lost.... Ive tried to talk to my husband a million times, but nothing i say gets through to him. He's the kind of person that freezes up and tries to avoide all serious communication. We have been married for 7months, so yeah were still "newly weds". when we first got together and first got married things were great between we were intamate on a regular basis, and he was very affectionate and complimented me all the time, but shortly afterwards he started pulling away and now he's not affectionate at all, he never hugs or kisses me unless I iniate it, when I iniate intercourse he doesnt act interrested, he does iniciate intersourse occasionally maybe 1time every other week or so but when he does it's usually by saying lets do it or get naked and when he says that it completely turns me away from the idea. I am currently 6 1/2 months pregnant with out son which would make sense for him to be less attracted to me now since I am a huge whale however this problem started before I even started showing. No matter what I do or how hard I try he never compliments me, and it's not like he pulls away from me but he does act annoyed if I try to hug or kiss him during the day it seems the only time he wants to give me any attention is at bedtime. I know he's not cheating since he cant drive because he's on house arrest for the next 12months, and I take him everywhere he goes and thats only to work, so Im haveing a hard time figuring out the problem. Ive tried telling him Im lonely, Ive tried explaining how I feel, Ive written letters, verbally told him, sent him e-mails and even tried communicating through music but now it's like were just going through the motions... he does tell me he loves me very often that is the only thing that hasn't changed, but everything else has even how we have sex has changed it used to have emotion with it and feel meaningful but now it's again just going through the motions with no meaning and afterwards he just rolls over and goes to sleep, every time.....all he does is play video games and he constantly wants other people over, we already have 3kids so when we do get an overnight babysitter I woulkd love to spend an evening of just me and him, but he never wants to he always wants someone here and if it ever is just me and him he stays absorbed into his video games, or a phone call to some family member or on here playing games. He acts asif I bore him and he cant stand to be around me unless he wants to have sex, any other time I feel invisable and it hurts me badly, so any adive here on what to do and how to be heard? 
(sorry please forgive my spelling it's 6am and Im still not asleep, yeah Im so distrought over this behavior that's it interferes with everything, including my sleeping and eating)


- - - Broken and Lonely =/


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## MarkTwain

tdtanner-

Wow, that's a sad situation.

I think there are lots of things going on. First of all your husband sounds depressed - could it be the house arrest?

The other thing is your communication is so low, that you need to make the most of things. You want more intimacy, but you say when he initiates it lacks all finesse. 

Until your mutual communication skills are better, you have to go with what you've got. His saying "let's get naked" is the best he can manage right now. Why not try meeting his request with enthusiasm?

H: "Let's get naked"
You: "MMmmmmm"

Try to be exciting, and get excited. You can only improve something if you have it. If you shut down, you won't have anything to work on. So don't shut down, work with what little "romance" he gives you. Over time, you can show him what you want, but if you shut down, you will never reach that point.

As for being pregnant - that is when a woman is in full bloom. Very feminine indeed


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## Blanca

My H treated me this way, too. It was really hard and confusing for me. I tried everything. Eventually I learned to meet my own emotional needs, though. I stopped talking to him as much and I picked up my own hobbies. 

I do think your H sounds depressed. Video games and the need for friends over all the time. he sounds lonely.


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## lostangel78

It sounds like maybe he is a bit scared and nothing personal to any men but I have learned that when men get scared or unsure they pull away from the ones that are trying to love them the most. Being pregnant and on a hormonal rollercoaster only makes you feel worse. my hubby always told me pregnant women are the most beautiful women. And maybe your hubby feels that way too but is scared you'll think he is lying because that's not how you feel. I know with our first prgnancy after I started getting bigger my hubby was scared to have sex for fear of hurting the baby. I read this article that showed that first time parents usually do not have sex but maybe once a month during pregnancy. Give him time after the baby is born and see if he doesn't change. But don't give up on him.


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## ncreb24

I agree with Mark Twain on this one. It does sound like he is depressed and bored (being on house arrest). Try something like leaving little love notes around the house for him (like near his razor in the b/r, in the cupboard where the glasses are) this may snap his boredom and he may try doing the same for you. Also since you are doing all of the driving, stop and get some message oils or something and have some fun before the "sex" than the "sex" is no longer just sex but it becomes intimacy......believe me..there is a difference. Hope this helps


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## tdtanner

thanks for all the advice everyone honestly i hope it is just stress makeing him this way, but honestly Im not sure he just went on house arrest and he's been actin this way for a few months well 4months and we've only been married 6 1/2 months so thats why Im so worried, I feel like he doesnt even want to be around me at times, when I kiss him or hug him he doesnt pull away but he does sigh asif Im annoying him, and he's so critical at times, and he jokes around with me all the time, but none of it is funny most of it hurts my feelings, but than he gets pissed when I tell him he's upset me. I just wish there were something i could do to get back on track like we were, when he would hug me and compliment me and actuallii made me feel wanted, because the last 4months Ive felt very unwanted and unloved and very ignored and invisable and he doesnt care about anything Ive said. Oh and the note thing, Ive tried it... he's one of those guys when I try to do sweet things like that, he finds it corney and laughs about it, here lately he makes me feel like an idiot. Im not sure why I feel this way, but he's ignored me and laughed and ignored me to the point that I feel ignorant, childish and stupid most of the time thats why I shy away from initiating anything with him anymore and when he asks whats wrong i always say nothing because i already know that he doesnt wanna hear it and will make me feel dumb for bringing up my feelings. I know it sounds like i should just give up to some people, but I cant for 2main reasons 1, I love him and want more than anything for this to work and be like it was and #2 he just started his house arrest and its a 12month sentence so I do have to live with him until february1st of next year (2010) so I need to find a way to make this work otherwise Im going to go nuts cause I live in a house with all children under the age of 5 and him and Im lonely and yeah I understand that he might get lonely to thats may be why he's slowly moving his brother in after me telling him no he cant live here, but how can I be expected to respect and understand his needs when he laughs and ignores and gets angry over mine? Its like lately I feel like the only reason he is actually still with me is b/c he needs a stable place to serve his house arrest at and he knows that Im his only sense of stability cause his mom kicks him out to often, I dont feel like he actually wants to be with me at all and this marriage is just more convience for him than emotion and it hurts, I hurt. well put it this way, I wrecked and tore the van up pretty good tonight, I come in and tell him about the wreck and he jumps to check out the van and than gets an attitude and tells me he's pissed and starts *****ing at me, it really upset me that here I am pregnant just ina wreck and doesnt check on me or ask how Im doin and if Im ok, he just yells at me instead for wrecking my mothers van...... it's just simple things like this incident that make me feel like he doesnt care about me and that Im nothing important in his life and leaves me crying myself to sleep alone because now its to the point that I cant even get his to hold me at night he now faces the other direction and gets annoyed if I hold him or ask him to hold me. I dont know anymore, Im lonely I know that much and Im upset and right now still a little shaken over the wreck cause I still havent felt the baby move and it's been 6hours, but I see the doctor in 5hours so I'll find out then if everythings ok, listen, I know that I sound winey I know and Im sorry,but I figure thats what this site os for, its the one place I can wine and ***** about my marriage it it be accepable, lol.. noone around me really cares to talk to me about it or listen so Im here to talk to you all, complete strangers that might be able to comfort me in some way and maybe even give some helpful adive. Again though, thanks for all the above mentioned advice and input. I just pray things will get better soon. K, thanx and bye.......

-tdtanner =/


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## Blanca

I am really sorry for what you are going through. How did the dr. appointment go? is the baby ok?

your H sounds like he is in a very selfish place right now. He's miserable. it sounds like he is intentionally pushing you away. A lot of the things your H is doing sound very similar to the things my H did when i first moved with him. I was so miserable and so confused. He used to be really sweet to me. I got so depressed. I didnt have any kids though, so i know it must be even harder for you. 

One thing, though. When your H asks you what is wrong, dont say "nothing." You should not, however, tell him what is wrong. He hasnt earned that level of emotional intimacy from you. I do this with my H all the time. For example, last night i was upset. He asked me what was wrong. Now, ive learned talking to my H at night is bad idea. He just falls asleep. we used to get in horrible fights about it. So i do not talk to him at night. and even today, im kind of upset but i still dont want to talk about it. I used to say "nothing" because i didnt want to deal with it all. That just creates more problems. believe me, when you say "nothing" your H thinks "nothing." Tell him you are upset, but dont elaborate. Like today, my H is going to come home and ask me what is wrong. Im going to tell him that i appreciate his concern, but im just not ready to talk about it. 

It took me a long time to get to this point, though. i used to get resentful that i couldnt talk to him. I used to hate him b/c when i did share all my feelings with him, i would end up more hurt b/c he didnt respond the way i needed. i thought it was b/c he was a selfish jerk. i wont say that thought doesnt still cross my mind, but its less extreme. 

When i was trying to sort through all the hurt and pain, my counselor talked to me about boundaries. I did a little research of my own and found this webpage: http://www.mudrashram.com/dysfunctionalfamily2.html
Read through it, and then do the circle diagram exercise that's towards the end. It was a break through for me.


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## tdtanner

thanks your extremely helpful,cause thats exactly how it is right nowi feel like he just doesnt care at all about anyone but himself and its very painful Id give almost anything just to have the attention he once gave me, and no he never wants to have a conversation with me unless its about his needs if its about my needs it always starts a fight. as for the pregnacy, the baby is ok so am I all i did was tear up the van on one side but me n baby are both sill in good health so thats a huge positive. I'll try the wesite link and hopefullii itll help me like it did u... again thanks


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## tdtanner

I read through the site and did the activity you were talking about along with another that i saw towards the bottom of the page and for anyone that goes to that link, well the page is actually very informative and helpful in alot of different situations I also recommend it to anyone that may be experiencing family and relationship problems, and thnak you for showing me the link. Now Im off to bed to deal with my angry husband, cause yeah now hes mad at me because Im on here looking for adivice on how to save my marriage instead of talking to him, though if he'd talk to me I wouldnt need to be on here would I? So when I said something about ustalkin he got mad said we werent gonna have any kind of conversation any time soon and when to bed to continue to ignore me like hes done all day, I dont know what to do anymore I try and try and try and Ive even stopped trying all together and nothing seems to work with this man. I know I came in from work and sat by myself in my room for 3hours and cried most of the time and he didnt even notice I wasnt in the living room watchin him play his game. I feel asif its pointless for me to even care about my marriage I dont feel like we have a marriage at all I feel like were roomates, nothing else were roomates that occassionally sleep together we dont act like were married, we dont talk, we dont touch and it hurts so much and he doesnt even care all he does is make mean jokes and ignore me. Idk Im goin to bed though,.... goodnight


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## Blanca

tdtanner said:


> Now Im off to bed to deal with my angry husband, cause yeah now hes mad at me because Im on here looking for adivice on how to save my marriage


My H gets mad when im on marriage forums. He used to throw little fits and go to bed (no really in the beginning this would really bother me. Id cry all night). its been some months now and he's actually really curious what i do on here. ive asked him not to read any of my posts (i say a lot of things i would never say to him...yet) and i think he's finally realizing he's missing out. Yesterday he went on while he was at work and asked me which ones i replied to. He said he felt "left out" and realized that i never talk to him anymore. well, HALLELUJAH! it only took three years and me finally ignoring his anger tantrums for him to realize this.

I used to cry all the time about my marriage too. The loneliness and disillusionment were too much sometimes. I couldnt believe this was the man that promised to love me. I just couldnt believe he would treat me so badly. It hurt so much. I really feel for you. 

I know it really hurts right now, but if you can learn to distance yourself from him (emotionally and physically) it can get easier.

Im glad that website helped you. It changed me emotionally 180 degrees.


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## brad

I was your husband for the first three years of my marriage. I had trouble with intimacy. I could be the romantic guy with every woman I was with in the beginning and then it would fizzle for me. I traced it to my family who never showed love for one another. 

It finally turned for me. My wife started accepting the way I was and stopped pushing, pleading, and demanding. It gave me space to see how good of a wife she was. My heart finally connected. 

Unfortanatly when I started to become affectionate towards my wife she in turn became angry with me for all the years of neglect. We are working on things now.

Start backing off and being a fun person to be around. show your husband you are your own person who could survive without him. It may give him a different perspective of the situation.


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## faheemswife

I understand your post to a point. Why should a wife have to play these games to get you to open upp about your problems , this is person you chose to SHARE your life with that included those issues that you think you cann't handle if your wife treated you that way you probably would have left her or thought she wasn't happy with you , as you can see I am going through something similar my husband and I have been married for almost 2 years we have a 14month old daughter we aren't on the best of terms I was a very indpendent woman before Igot married but of course after being with someone for a while you begin to depend on them to handle certain things it just comes with the territory my husband is a control freak we have seperate everything we don't come together for anything , we aren't close anymore before the baby we would lie in bed and talk , have all night sex and fall asleep and maybe do it again. Now, we could go a month without even touching at first it didn't bother me because I was preoccupied with the baby and I still am to a degree - but we are starting to argue a lot and I am seeing that he really isn't interested in my likes or activites that make me happy I like to go out to dinner , go to movies enjoy picnics and do other family friendly things when I call and say "let's do something" the answer is I don't want to but he never calls and says hey lets go out this weekend and it includes something that I want to do with him - now don't get me wrong he will do for his daughter but any adult time out of thie question. I know some might say hey your not giving him sex so of course he's not giving you anything , my reply is why reward ignorant behavior I can't see lying in bed with him whispering sweet nothings when I know a week from now we will be right back here being unappreciated and ignored ... HELP


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## tdtanner

I understand what everyone is say, but I agree with the last post... why should I have play games to get his attention when he vowed to always be here for me? I know that if I distance or detach myself than things will be ok and I'll be better, but in order to do that its like Ive given up on the marriage all together and I dont wanna do that, I wanna stay attached and I want a fighting chance to make it work simply b/c i know myself and i know once i start creating any kind of distance I wont be able to stop and I'll become cold and just no longer care and eventuallii even grow to hate him whereas right now Im just hurt extremely badly Im mainly sick of crying myself to sleep everynite ith him next to me pretending to not even notice. He gets angry cause I talk to everyone Im close to about my emotional struggles and yet he never wants to listen to me, its like he wants me to be emotionless, a robot almost. I threatened him that I was going, well I told him that I was thinking about going to stay with my parents for a while until we could settle things and he says whatever rolls over and doesnt even act like he cares (that was 2days ago) well Im stil here and theres not really a change instead we got into a huge arguement today and he's the kind of person where he will bring everyone else around us into the arguement and try his best to make me look bad and Im so tired of it, Im exhausted all together ya know.... oh and for the one that made the comment about you not wanting to reward your H with sex, well my situation is different, mines more like I wish we actually had a close enough marriage to have sex, but we dont anymore... my H wont even touch me anymore and if he does it's really nothing special anymore just a hey lets do it k, its done... goodnight and boom Im invisable again ya know, and even that only happens maybe twice a month now and like I said before were just now reaching month 7 of our marriage. I feel like he doesnt wanna be here and he's only here b/c he knows Im a good safty net while he's on house arrest. Oh well, thanks everyone... goodnight.


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## MarkTwain

tdtanner said:


> my H wont even touch me anymore and if he does it's really nothing special anymore just a hey lets do it k, its done... goodnight and boom Im invisable again ya know, and even that only happens maybe twice a month now and like I said before were just now reaching month 7 of our marriage. I feel like he doesnt wanna be here and he's only here b/c he knows Im a good safty net while he's on house arrest.


I just want you to know that you *can* fix your life. You need to dig deep into your inner resources to find the answer. Never stop looking. There is no telling if you can carry your husband with you, but you do have control over yourself.


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## brad

It's interesting to hear the above two women talking about "why SHOULD I have to do this and do that. It SHOULD just happen because this was the promise to me.".

Good luck with this attitude. I wish all marriages were Hollywood love stories that just flow in one linear pattern. They are not. You have to rise above yourself and your selfish desire to have the other person complete you or please your every whim. 

Your next husband might have qualities that will make this one look like a prince. I'm not saying it's okay to just accept the person outright as they are but it's a start to accept them and work with them. After all is dont you wonder why you are togeather with this person and what potentially you can bring to them and vice vera?


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## faheemswife

Yes I do feel a bit of entiitlement because I vowed to go through anything with you and I have done that plus some I have given you a child supported you with your business and you feel like you have the right to give me the silent treatment or brush me off like I don't exisit I have tried to reach out and I have gotten nothing in return NOTHING at all and I'm supposed to continue making you feel like the king of the world while you continue to treat me like crap? so I'm supposed to give you sex because it makes you feel good but the emotional support I desire will have to wait so what do I do to find my salvation nothing grin and bear it ? Relationships are supposed give and take not keep giving until that person has nothing left, now that is selfish.


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## Blanca

tdtanner said:


> I understand what everyone is say, but I agree with the last post... why should I have play games to get his attention when he vowed to always be here for me?


I had this thought not too many months ago. I was angry. Why should i be the one trying when he's the one that's screwed everything up??? It made me angry to think of being the one to work on the marriage while he just made jokes and played video games. 

I'll give you my reason. but you'll have to search inside yourself for your own motivation. My reason: i hate being miserable. pretty simple. i didnt like who i was becoming, how i was acting. so why do i work on my marriage? well, its not for my H. Its because wether he's being a jerk (in my opinion) or not, i want to know at the end of the day that im proud of who i am and what im doing. I want to feel good. so if im not going to leave him, i have to ask myself, 'what kind of person do i want to be while im with him.' my answer has nothing to do with the kind of person he's being. I work on how i relate to him, how i am acting in general, not for him, but for me. 

so for me, its not a game im playing anymore to try and get his attention. believe me, distancing myself from him in the beginning was a control thing. but now its realizing i dont like who ive become, and i have to realize on what level we relate well and start from there, instead of pushing a more intimate level we are not ready for. i act the way i act not to try and control him, or make him love me, or get him to change, but b/c i want to feel good about me. 

If your motivation to work on your marriage is to get your H to change, then you will always be disappointed. you will be resentful. you will play games. and your life will become emotional chaos. If you want peace in your marriage, you have to find peace in your own heart first. 

Once you reach a place that you do feel good again, that doenst mean you have to stay in the marriage. but it does mean you will be acting, not reacting. You'll feel good again. 



tdtanner said:


> I threatened him that I was going, well I told him that I was thinking about going to stay with my parents for a while until we could settle things and he says whatever rolls over and doesnt even act like he cares (that was 2days ago)


i used to threaten my H all the time. It wasnt really that i wanted to leave, i was hoping to spark some kind of love out of him. it never worked. it hurt so badly that he never responded to these things.

But for me, threatening to leave was a control game. a game i usually lost.


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## faheemswife

Yes I do feel a bit of entiitlement because I vowed to go through anything with you and I have done that plus some I have given you a child supported you with your business and you feel like you have the right to give me the silent treatment or brush me off like I don't exisit I have tried to reach out and I have gotten nothing in return NOTHING at all and I'm supposed to continue making you feel like the king of the world while you continue to treat me like crap? so I'm supposed to give you sex because it makes you feel good but the emotional support I desire will have to wait so what do I do to find my salvation nothing grin and bear it ? Relationships are supposed give and take not keep giving until that person has nothing left, now that is selfish.


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## brad

faheemswife said:


> Yes I do feel a bit of entiitlement because I vowed to go through anything with you and I have done that plus some I have given you a child supported you with your business and you feel like you have the right to give me the silent treatment or brush me off like I don't exisit I have tried to reach out and I have gotten nothing in return NOTHING at all and I'm supposed to continue making you feel like the king of the world while you continue to treat me like crap? so I'm supposed to give you sex because it makes you feel good but the emotional support I desire will have to wait so what do I do to find my salvation nothing grin and bear it ? Relationships are supposed give and take not keep giving until that person has nothing left, now that is selfish.


Quit treating yourself like a victim. Subconsciously it is something you enjoy. Start treating yourself well and you might see changes in your husband.


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## tdtanner

yeah the threatening to leave is also a control thing for me I suppose, I say it in hopes that it will change something in him and make him appriciate me or pay more attention to me, but your right... it doesnt work all it does is make me feel worse. I have been doing better the past couple days, Ive been focasing on my life and my kids and not really worring about weather he's paying attention to me or not, I figure eventually he'll notice that Im no longer paying attention and than he might be willing to speak to me and if not oh well, cause I do deserve to be happy with who I am and still like myself when I lay down each night and thats what Im trying to do, Im just tired of the games and tired of crying and sick of careing so I dont anymore, I love him, but I love myself more so Im just trying not to let him get to me right now, I have a new baby due in a couple more weeks and 3 beautiful ones sittin here with me and thats enough reason for me to smile each day, hopefully he'll join in our lives again soon, if not oh well.


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## Serious

Just go talk about it, if he still loves you he would listen what is on your mind


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## LucyInSC

What a sad situation. You said you already have 3 kids and pregnant and only married 7 months. Your husband is on house arrest. Poor decisions on both your parts have created a difficult environment for intimacy and love to flourish. He has shut off from you. Maybe he is overwhelmed feeling that he cannot support his family financially or emotionally. What is he on house arrest for? Will that behavior be repeated or has he learned from his mistake? It sounds like you both need a lot of help. But no matter how you feel, please make sure you think of your children's welfare first and don't let them get lost in the crossfire.


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## LAwoman

I hope you have left this man. You have one life on this planet right now, as yourself, in this current form. Use it well. Don't give your energy to someone who gives you almost nothing back. Don't. Him being your legal partner does not make him exempt from treating you well. He should treat you the best of anyone in the world. But yet, he treats you the worst. So, get rid of him. Get rid of him and start over and use this as a valuable life experience. You CAN find a partner who will treat you right. Don't stop looking for him. And until you find him, you keep surrounding yourself with people that ONLY show you caring, support and love. Don't surround yourself with anyone else. No one is perfect and even the kindest people will sometimes **** up or do something thoughtless, but you always know when someone has your back and when someone does not. Give yourself only to people who have your back. Not for selfish reason, but because they truly SEE you and VALUE you. And only then, when you allow only those people to come very close to you, will you find that life is at its most wonderful. Trust me. Your husband (hopefully, now ex) is not part of that circle. He simply has not earned it.


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## TrueLOVEneverHURTS

How do you tell him you ask....JUST TELL HIM, why do you feel you must tip toe around him, tell him you need attention , you need affection, you need encouragement, Looks like he does not lack attention because he gets it around his work , by that I mean seeing people talking with them and the such and then he comes home and plays his games and when hes not doing that he has friends over....he is so full of attention he cannot relate to you and how you feel empty and lonely inside. Tell him you need and must have one on one time without the games and without the friends , its my guess he still wont change , so he needs to feel your pain , by that I mean go visit with friends of yours when he is home, let him watch the kids, fill your self with attention from others , laugh again, smile again , spend time with people who care about making you happy, have your friends over have fun with your girlfriends , feel loved again, when he wants sex make him wait , make him work for it, if he was your boyfriend you would not let him talk to you like that when he says get naked.......next time he says that say why or say no, if hes smart he will make you feel like a lady ...cuddle you, hold you , tell you how good you feel in his arms, tell you how much he loves you and needs you in his life ....he cannot miss you or sex if he gets it so easy . Make him respect you as a woman. while your having your own life outside of his bubble , your friends , your books your phone calls or chats on line and your outings ...even if it is only to your mothers house or your sister or friend ...it will show him you have a life also ....make sure he is not having an affair with someone at work, it does happen more often then you think.....stop buy his work talk to his co workers , if that is not possible then invite them over for dinner so you can get to know them...or go out to dinner with them .....always remember LOVE never HURTS.......don't allow him to treat you like the maid or the babysitter and don't mother him or I should say stop mothering him, stop always making sure he is always taken care of.......make him cater to you , he should be giving you feet massages instead of playing those games...don't give in and don't give up you are a QUEEN.:smile2: Go to your parents , let him walk to work and make his own meals ......maybe he wants you to leave , maybe he has someone else.......


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