# How to help him get through this



## Deb1234 (May 31, 2009)

I know there are five stages to grief.

Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance

I am divorcing my husband. I think I am swinging back and forth between the depression/acceptance phases with a tiny bit of anger every once in awhile.

My problem is that my husband appears to be in the denial/bargaining/anger stages right now and I don't know what to do to make things easier on him and the whole family.

I would like to stay, if not friends, then at least civil with him, but it is difficult to do that when someone keeps swinging between trying to do nice things for me like trying to give me foot rubs (I tell him no) and buying me things to screaming at me that I'm a liar who has slept with half the world (I have never cheated).

I don't know what to do. I have to maintain contact with him almost daily because of the kids, so giving him some space will not work. I told him to call his old friend and talk things out (old friend went through a divorce not long ago) and the old friend just says horrible, mean things about me to him (boy, that one backfired). I can suggest he go talk to a counselor all I want, but I can't make him go. Even though I think we're finished as a married couple, I do still care.

Any suggestions? How can I help him get through this process a little easier? Is there even something I CAN do?


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

The thing is, *you* can't help him now. You're the cause of his pain, so every time you try to help him, it just brings the pain, the hope, the everything else back to the surface. I'm not blaming you, or criticizing you, but that's the truth of the matter. 

At this point, the best thing you can do is to limit contact to what is absolutely necessary. Discussions regarding the kids, required discussions about how to divide up property and debts, things like that. Any time he tries to turn it to something else, change the subject or end the phone call or meeting. If you feel the urge to talk to him about something else, resist the urge. 

He's probably still doing bargaining because every time you talk to him about something other than what's absolutely necessary, he gets hopeful that maybe you'll change your mind. I'm not saying you give him that hope, but since you're the one who wanted the divorce (at least, that's what I got from the way you wrote it), he'll probably take any little thing he can find and hold onto it like a lifeline.


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## bellringer (Aug 20, 2010)

I agree with atruckersgirl, you need to choose your words carefully, My stbx wanted the divorce(he has a gf) and yet the mixed signals from him are confusing, you say in your post even though I THINK were finished as a married couple, that doesnt sound like you even know what you want. My stbx had said things like regardless of what happens we still need to sell the house, he calls me for unrelated things about my son, like I smoke to much, he hangs at the house and watches my son and I play from his car, Just things that would make you think hes thinking about things. When I know in my heart its over, he confuses things. I dont call him for anything and I mean anything, this happened back in january and I can count on one hand how many times i called him, yet he calls me everyday all day, he was told by his attn only to call twice a day to talk to my son and he still dont get it, calls all day while son is in school. I let him go but he cant seem to let me go. or its his controlling nature. but choose your words carefully, he is hurting, it sucks. he is hanging onto anything that might say you want to stay together. good luck.


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## bellringer (Aug 20, 2010)

Heres another example, I just called stbx to tell him I would be purchasing tickets for the rocketts to bring my son on my birthday, he still pays the credit card bills so i run big purchases by him (of course i want the best seats) He says oh I seen that advertised, why dont you let me get them for your birthday, really. thanks


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## Deb1234 (May 31, 2009)

I appreciate the advice and will keep contact to a minimum. 

I know this marriage is over and will wait until he realizes it, however long that may be, before giving in to his attempts at "friendship".


Thanks


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