# Please Help with Sexting Wife



## Hank (Feb 26, 2012)

Hi everyone.

I'm 35 and I've been married about 1.5 years. My wife is 37. We have recently started trying to have kids but are not yet pregnant. This is the first marriage for both of us. I've done my best to be a very good husband, and have never strayed or emotionally cheated on her. Sure I look at other women but I don't take it further than that.

I have had the feeling for a couple of months that my wife was up to something. She has a work-issued blackberry and quite often when I would come into the room she would put it down quickly or something like that. Anyway, I became suspicious.

The other day I noticed that she left the phone unlocked after she left the room. I started going through some of her text messages and noticed some sexting between her and a man who works at her company but at an office in another state. I was not able to see the full extent of the sexting but I saw enough to really break my heart. She has mentioned this man before in passing, like when she's relating her work day to me.

I immediately confronted her and she acknowledged the behavior and became very remorseful and distraught. She said it had only been going on for a month or two and it wasn't very frequent. She cried for quite a long time... enough that I felt bad about how upset she was.

I was very angry for a few hours. I asked her if she used protection when she cheated on me because I needed to know if I needed to get tested for STDs. She said that she never did anything physical with him, but I said that I didn't believe her. I mentioned divorce and started packing a bag. Then I said that she should be packing the bag, so I emptied mine and she started doing so. 

After I heard her sobbing I went upstairs and told her to stop packing... and I didn't want her to leave.

She said again that they never did anything physical and the sexting was just joking around. This man works in another state and went through a break-up with his fiance a month or two ago. I do know that they talked about his now-cancelled wedding quite often when he was in the planning stages. 

Since he is so far away I am fairly sure that there most likely hasn't been anything physical, at least recently. However about 4 or 5 months ago my wife travelled on business to another location, and I am pretty sure this man was there for at least one of the days she was. 

I am trying to forgive my wife but I am caught up on the idea that she did something physical with him on this work trip. She swears that she didn't, and has said that she doesn't want to talk to him anymore and will do whatever it takes to make things right. The past couple of days she has tried to be very good to me with cooking, etc. and I can tell she is trying to make some type of amends.

I think I need help working through this and am too embarrassed to go to friends or family. I have a job offer in a city about 100 miles away and I want to take it. My wife has always said if I found a better job somewhere else she would be happy to quit her job, because she is not very happy there and wants to do what is best for our hopefully growing family. I am probably going to take the job and she is excited about moving.

I feel like I can forgive my wife, but there is a nagging "what if" in the back of my head... Like something is telling me that if I am going to end things I need to do it now before I have more invested in the marriage, in case I find out she was lying later or something happens again.

Again, I am not sure what to do or where to turn. I guess I need help figuring things out. I have been kind of in a fog for a couple of days, but I am now starting to get sad about this, and it's difficult to put out of my mind.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

Well you really have to think what would convince you if anything that you can believe your wife.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Things she needs to do:
Write a no contact letter to OM that you read, approve and can verify is delivered.
Give you complete transparency in everything - email, social media, phone - all of it - including transparency in being willing to talk to you about it.
Take ownership and be willing to be held accountable for her actions.
Be remorseful and do anything else you need to deal with this.


Additionally. Don't take this lightly, even if there was no physical sex she had a full on EA and virtual sex - that's a huge deal - I had one myself. Most of what you've described above I'd say is generally good - here's my big question though. People don't have affairs because everything is wonderful. She's missing something somewhere, in the marriage, in herself or most likely some combination of the two. If she doesn't identify what made her susceptible, what need the affair meet, she's much more likely to repeat.


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

Hi hank sorry you are here have you thought about a polygraph ? 

Good Luck
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

You have been married only 1 1/2 years and are trying to get pregnant; meanwhile she has been sexting another man for at least a month and was working with him out of town for at least one day. What is wrong with this picture?

1. DO NOT GET HER PREGNANT.

2. SEE A LAWYER.

She is in damage control and knows that constant tears will make most men become wimps. If the roles were reversed do you think she would be so forgiving as you? She has totally disrespected you and your marriage after only 1 1/2 years of marriage. I strongly believe that the chances of her cheating again are huge down the line. I am sorry but you picked the wrong woman. She has played you for a fool after only 1 and 1/2 years of marriage and all the while you were both trying to get her pregnant. She is a real piece of work. 

Finally don't you think it is interesting that she talked about him previously and was out of town with him in the past and then later the sexting began and continued at the very least for a month until you caught her. Do you really think this there is no correlation?....Oh please. Contact the OM's wife or significant other and expose this cheating to them. I guarantee you that you do not have the full story. Good luck.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Have her take a polygrapgh test, there a few hundred $, but shop around.

You should get the full truth so you know what you are going to forgive her for. Second set up boundries and the consequences if they are crossed.

Finally go get some help from a pro. You both still don't know why she has this behavior that caused her to start this type of addiction. It could be her need for validation or some type of sex addiction or past abuse that was never addressed. 

Don't be confussed with her unhealthy behavior and the marriage. Sure the marriage has its ups and downs and that the both of you can find someone to teach the both of you onhow to best deal with them as a couple, but her individual behavior also needs to be addressed so she can prevent this from happening again either in her current marriage or if you deside to leave, she will need to prevent this from happening again in her next relationship.

So in short do not sweep this under the rug or it will for sure happen again. In my case it was 5 years before my W unhealthy behavior kicks back in...especially when her marriage hit a rough patch. We are currently doing the work andhave found someone thaat is teaching us how to have a healthy marriage as individuals.

What I mean is you as a individual have choices on how and what you do to have a healthy marriage, and what you tolorate, and trust me when I tell you its not kissing the spouses but, but commanding respect and returning this respect that you want


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Stop trying to have kids until you sort this out.

You will need to get to the truth to make intelligent decisions.

It is unlikely she will give you the truth just from you asking her.

Tell her you need to see all of her communication devices immediately without her deleting anything. Look through them and see if you can find out the truth.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Another way of finding the truth is confronting OM, its a 505/50 shot ar best but its a good idea to get his side of the story.

Most likely she will want to protect her AP and thats a bad sign. There has to be consequences and one of them is out the OM.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

"The other day I noticed that she left the phone unlocked after she left the room. I started going through some of her text messages and noticed some sexting between her and a man who works at her company but at an office in another state. *"I was not able to see the full extent of the sexting* ... "

Why weren't you able to see the full extent of the sexting? Because it had been deleted? Or because your wife came back into the room? If I had my wife's phone in my hand and I had just discovered her sexts, there is no way I would give that phone back until I was done looking at what I wanted to look at, whether she came back into the room or not.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Of course, I would want to "forgive and forget", but I would always, ALWAYS, have that nagging feeling that she did it once, she may very well do it again, and next time, she's going to make sure she "gets it right" doesn't get caught.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

"She said again that they never did anything physical and *the sexting was just joking around*."

This is insulting to your intelligence. Have you ever heard of anyone who "joked" around this way? Sexual innuendo can come across as funny on occasion, explicit sexting is not humorous in any way.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Will_Kane said:


> "She said again that they never did anything physical and *the sexting was just joking around*."
> 
> This is insulting to your intelligence. Have you ever heard of anyone who "joked" around this way? Sexual innuendo can come across as funny on occasion, explicit sexting is not humorous in any way.


This is true for sure!!!!


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Get the phone/text records from the phone company. One or two months of sexting, she doesn't know? BS

Worked out of town 4-5 mos ago, 2 mos ago OM's wedding called off, 2 mosago wife starts sexting.

See if you can find out who OM was marrying and contact her. Again, get phone/text records. Go through phone to see if texts are deleted. If the texts are deleted come back here, you may be able to retreive deleted emails/texts.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

The thing I find coincidental is the timing of his marriage being called off and your wife beginning this sexting routine.

It`s an interesting coincidence..maybe,

I`d find the Om`s former fiancé and ask her why the wedding was called off


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Be very lucky she hasn't gotten pregnant yet.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Hank,

She needs to quit her job... as in yesterday!


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Go buy some condoms.

SERIOUSLY

Wear them until she comes clean.

You'll get the truth.


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## Hank (Feb 26, 2012)

Thanks for your thoughts everyone. I feel like I should add some more backstory.

The OM's engagement was called off because his fiance had been cheating on him with another man. What a tangled web we weave... His finance left him and moved in with the other guy. I guess he was pretty devastated. 

Anyway, PRIOR to checking my wife's blackberry, I did go through her personal email over the course of a few weeks. I did see an email from the OM, which was a forwarded email he sent to my wife that he received from his ex's sister. In it she was expressing her regret over her sister's behavior, and saying that she was very sorry that someone in her family would do that to him, etc. 

I also saw a response to him from my wife, which was very platonic and suggested that this experience would make him stronger, and that hopefully it would help him in his next relationship. There was no other email of any consequence between her and him, or anyone else. These emails are only a month or two old. 

In any case, I thought it was worth pointing out that I was able to thoroughly check my wife's personal email before I found the sexting, and the only emails between her and the OM were pretty innocuous. I've been monitoring it pretty closely over the course of the past couple of months, and there hasn't been anything from the OM other than that. 

Regarding the possibility of them carrying on over work email, that is possible I guess but the company is a government contractor where all email is constantly monitored by the security office and export control, etc. and I feel like if things were being done it would probably be over personal email. 



sigma1299 said:


> Things she needs to do:
> Write a no contact letter to OM that you read, approve and can verify is delivered.
> Give you complete transparency in everything - email, social media, phone - all of it - including transparency in being willing to talk to you about it.
> Take ownership and be willing to be held accountable for her actions.
> ...


Thank you for this post. I was able to have a calm discussion with her a while ago and while not promising her anything, I told her that in order for me to even consider us staying together, she had to agree to these things. She has done so without equivocation. I also told her I wanted her to take a polygraph, and she readily agreed. I mainly brought up the polygraph to gauge her reaction, and she didn't hesitate. If everyone thinks a poly is necessary I guess I will follow through on it.

I talked to a very close friend of mine and he said that he knew a guy who could recommend a marriage counsellor, and would try to help me find one. I also made marriage counselling a stipulation to my wife, and she agreed to that as well.

She seems very eager to do whatever I ask. I think I have made her understand that I'm not promising any outcome, but that these are just my required first steps to making things right.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Seriously, she needs to quit her job.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

So far so good.

You still do not know too much about what went on, other than what she told you, but it is good that she agrees to your conditions.

Talk is cheap. Actions speak louder than words.

You will find out more over the next few days when you check up on her. Her attitude will speak volumes in writing the no contact letter to the OM and allowing you access to her communications. Telephone contact between her and the OM using work land lines is still possible. Going underground with secret affair phones also still is possible.

Is it possible to look at her blackberry for additional sexts, or have all of those been deleted already?

Did she say how it escalated from what you describe as "pretty innocuous" emails to sexting that was bad enough "to really break (your) heart?"

Given that you've only been married a year and a half and she has already at least sexted a co-worker, I would need to be more certain of the truth before I could move forward in the relationship.

Be a little wary of her "biological clock" coming into play in her willingness to go along with all of your conditions. It would take at least a year or two to divorce, find another man, get married, and start trying for kids. It would be terrible to have a child and then have her start this type of behavior again because she didn't really fix what is wrong, just played along for fear of her biological clock getting "too late."

These two statements from your first post paint a contradictory picture:

_"I have had the feeling for a couple of months that my wife was up to something. She has a work-issued blackberry and *quite often* when I would come into the room she would put it down quickly or something like that. Anyway, I became suspicious."_

_"She said it had only been going on for a month or two and it *wasn't very frequent*."_


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

So there is nothing in her emails concerning her affair. Could she have deleted them? Or maybe she knew you could access them. You need to see several months records of the phone she was sexting with. You may be able to synch it with your computer.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Hank,

Ask yourself - how does she go from this guy being a complete stranger - to getting into email discussions of his relationship - to sexting - while he is working far away?

You just don't do that, UNLESS there was a hookup. 

Get her to a polygraph and find out what she has done with him and how they came to be such good friends. Because the story you've been told simply just doesn't add up.

She needs to quit that job and move on, and you need to notify the company that he's been using company resources to sext etc.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

bandit.45 said:


> Seriously, she needs to quit her job.


:iagree:

Even though this OM works in another state, but in the same company, then they can use their work email to continue the affair and take it underground and you will NEVER be able to verify NC.


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## Hank (Feb 26, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Hank,
> 
> Ask yourself - how does she go from this guy being a complete stranger - to getting into email discussions of his relationship - to sexting - while he is working far away?
> 
> ...


Well, I have known that this guy exists for well over a year. He is one of the company's IT people, so he travels to other offices. She first told me about him probably over a year ago, and I never really suspected anything. Before all of this happened she had even talked to him on her phone in front of me a couple of times regarding work stuff. This is how I first found out about him. She told me he was getting married etc. and was a pretty good IT guy, and had helped her out a lot with setting up things for her boss (who is an executive at the company) and other big shots.

Other than times that he would have traveled to her office, the only time I can think of that they could have been together would have been on this work trip. My wife always comes home directly after work, and has only gone out to eat dinner with girls from work a couple of times. She was always home by 8 or so when she did that. She has been pretty accountable during our marriage. It was only a month or two ago that I noticed her putting her blackberry down quickly a few of times, and got suspicious. I know I said earlier that it happened a lot, but now that I think about it it was probably just a handful of times.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Hank said:


> Other than times that he would have traveled to her office, the only time I can think of that they could have been together would have been on this work trip. *My wife always comes home directly after work, and has only gone out to eat dinner with girls from work a couple of times*. She was always home by 8 or so when she did that. She has been pretty accountable during our marriage. It was only a month or two ago that I noticed her putting her blackberry down quickly a few of times, and got suspicious. I know I said earlier that it happened a lot, but now that I think about it it was probably just a handful of times.


Sorry, but this means nothing unless you have access to her pay stubs. I've seen here and in real life, how people can take time off of work to meet their affair partner. They simply pretend to go to work and come home at their regular scheduled time. It's happened to some members of this forum too. I remember a time when I worked with this guy who had taken leave, then his wife called our work so she could speak to him and we told her he was on leave. She was pissed. Apparently he had taken leave to meet with his OW and pretended to go to work and come home each day.

So if I were you, I would check to see if her leave days/vacation hours match her current balance and that she hasn't taken any unscheduled time off that you don't know about. We have a member here who's WW's OM was 3 hours away, yet she was able to take the time off to go see him without her BS knowing.

That's why its important to get a hold of her paystub/leave statement. Many of us THINK we know our spouses whereabouts and wonder how the hell did they find time to fit in an affair? This is just one of the techniques that cheaters use.


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## kenmoore14217 (Apr 8, 2010)

If your wife has shown approval for her taking a 'poly' then I would seize the moment.


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

Please help me out.Because im seriously confused now..


*I have had the feeling for a couple of months that my wife was up to something. She has a work-issued blackberry and quite often when I would come into the room she would put it down quickly or something like that. Anyway, I became suspicious*

And then

*I immediately confronted her and she acknowledged the behavior and became very remorseful and distraught. She said it had only been going on for a month or twoTwo moths are hard le a couple.[/I] and it wasn't very frequent. She cried for quite a long time... enough that I felt bad about how upset she was.*

And then this

*She said again that they never did anything physical and the sexting was just joking around. This man works in another state and went through a break-up with his fiance a month or two ago. I do know that they talked about his now-cancelled wedding quite often when he was in the planning stages. 
*

Sexting??? really:scratchhead:


I fear that this has gone on longer then your wife has told you..

I mean conviniente break up of OM and wife to be.Dont you think.. Key logger NOW!! try to find out OM´s XGirlfriend

and talk..

And after this ..SHE IS seriously talking to him:wtf:


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## Why Not Be Happy? (Apr 16, 2010)

do not get her pregnant!


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

I agree that you should go back to birth control. Until you have divorced, or reconciled and strengthened your marriage, which will take months, at a minimum, you should avoid complicating your marriage with children.

Also, you are correct that you will never have a better time to divorce your wife than today. You have no children. You haven't been married long enough to accumulate much marital property/debt. So, practically speaking, a divorce should be straight-forward.

Assuming you want to reconcile, you need to follow the other posters advice. She needs to be transparent and up front with answering your questions.

Given that she was cheating so early in your marriage, it will be impossible, at least for a while, not to be worried that she will cheat again if/when things get tough. Even if she does everything right, and is sincere, it will take months or years before you feel comfortable enough to trust her again.

Also, check out Married Man Sex Life for some great information on strengthening your marriage. It's better than counseling.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

PHTlump said:


> I agree that you should go back to birth control. Until you have divorced, or reconciled and strengthened your marriage, which will take months, at a minimum, you should avoid complicating your marriage with children.
> 
> Also, you are correct that you will never have a better time to divorce your wife than today. You have no children. You haven't been married long enough to accumulate much marital property/debt. So, practically speaking, a divorce should be straight-forward.
> 
> ...


YES YES YES!!!

Any and all baby plans need to be on indefinite hold. If she protest - well that's part of the price she has to pay for cheating.


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## StrangerThanFiction (Jul 19, 2011)

Hank said:


> I also told her I wanted her to take a polygraph, and she readily agreed. I mainly brought up the polygraph to gauge her reaction, and she didn't hesitate. If everyone thinks a poly is necessary I guess I will follow through on it.



The other reaction to gauge is hers while you're sitting in the parking lot of the polygraph place about to go in. If she starts crying and says "there's more, but we only kissed. I swear" you better go in and get the whole story!


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## 5stringpicker (Feb 11, 2012)

I read these post and its commendable folks try to salvage a marriage after an affair goes public. If the affair's gone physical, why you want to know all the details. I don't understand wanting to go through this self-flagellation exercise. He screwed your ole lady just like you do. Probably multiple times. It doesn't get any better than that. Its like trying to put Humpty Dumpty back together again.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

5stringpicker said:


> I read these post and its commendable folks try to salvage a marriage after an affair goes public. If the affair's gone physical, why you want to know all the details. I don't understand wanting to go through this self-flagellation exercise. He screwed your ole lady just like you do. Probably multiple times. It doesn't get any better than that. Its like trying to put Humpty Dumpty back together again.


If you decide to divorce, then I agree. You know enough to divorce and you should probably just leave it at that.

However, reconciliation is another issue. Some people don't want to know what happened. Some people want to know everything. Did the DS do something with the AP that wasn't on the menu in the marriage? That's a whole other can of worms right there. Some people just can't fix the problem until they've learned everything there is to know about the problem.


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## 5stringpicker (Feb 11, 2012)

The problem is you're never going to be sure you know everything. There is always going to be the question, "are they hiding something". At the end of the day you're going to have two options. Am I going to stay in the marriage or am I going to leave.


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