# No sex



## Littlemisssunshine33 (Jun 6, 2012)

This is my first post here. I have been lurking for a while looking for some advice and decided to post my story to see if you kind people can offer me some advice.

I am 38 and I have been married for 6 years, known my husband for 15 years and we have two young children together. We get on well, very rarely argue but our sex life is non existent and to be honest has never been great. I have always lacked a lot of confidence in the way that I looked. My husband has never really done anything to boost my confidence. I am 5ft 7in, size 12 and have a curvy figure butI was always flat chested and think this is what led me to having no confidence in myself. When my husband and I did have sex he would never take my top off.

13 years ago I seriously considered getting a breast enlargement. I looked into it in great detail and decided to leave things as surgery carries major risk and if I did have children then my breast would hopefully increase in size then. As previously mentioned my husband and I didn't really a normal sex life. To conceive my children I had to tell him when I was ovulating so we could have sex. My husband also doesn't like having sex in the week as he is too tired. 

After the birth of my son and around my 35th birthday I told my husband how unhappy I was about things, especially the lack of sex. He told me he didn't have time for me now but would have time for me when the children were older. I couldn't quite believe what I was hearing. He is not a particularly affectionate man and never tells me he loves me or I look nice. I have asked him if he is having an affair or is gay, but honestly don't think this is the case as he very rarely goes out. His reply was no. I just don't think he is interested in sex. When I read on here how men can't go more than a few days without sex I do wonder what is wrong with him!

I know this is slightly different as it isn't a case of us ever having a good sex life and then it going downhill, it has never been great and part of me has accepted that I am never going to change him. However, a couple of years ago, after having my two children I decided to have a breast enlargment. My husband wasn't happy and refused to talk to me about it. He didn't agree with what I was doing and didn't want anything to do with it. I can honestly say that for me it is the best thing I have done and wish I had done it when I was 25. I felt much happier with my shape and felt that my body was finally in proprtion. Following the operation he never asked me what I thought, if I was happy with the result, could he have a look. It took him many weeks before he even saw me without any clothes on. 

Following out chat about how unhappy I was, nothing has really changed. I just keep thinking that if it was the other way around and I knew how unhappy he was I would be doing something about it. I feel so lonely and unhappy in my marriage and in my heart know that if it wasn't for the children I would have left him. We have had sex 3 times this year and he tells me what we have is reality and I want the fairtale. Well after reading posts on here I know this isn't reality. I feel as if I have been robbed of a proper sex life and have a lot of catching up to do. I know this is my fault as I married him knowing that the sex wasn't great. 

About 1 year ago I met somebody else. We are only friends and we get on brilliant but we are both very attracted to each other. I almost feel that I have met my soulmate. I would never do anything with him because of my husband but it is very hard as he is everything my husband isn't.

What I am asking is, do you think my husband is normal for being so dissinterested in sex? There is no history of sexual abuse, he would never agree to go to counselling as he doesn't see there being a problem. What can I do to change things? I feel as if we go around in circles and have given up. I just feel so disappointed with my marriage and everything I am missing out on. What can I do? 

Thank you for reading, sorry it is long but wanted to give you some background.


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

Either that or he is a heavy porn user and like many married men has come to prefer porn and masturbation to partner sex.

Some medications will also kill libido, especially SSRI antidepressants.

If he ever suffered from any kind of sexual dysfunctions like losing his erection or being unable to ejaculate during sex this can turn a man off partner sex pretty fast.

Childhood trauma, abuse or being the child of an alcoholic parent can cause a fear of intimacy, sometimes subconscious, which makes sex unpleasant. Often this fear doesn't show itself at the beginning of a relationship but rather after it solidifies. Sometimes a wedding or the birth of a child can bring it on. This in itself can cause a man to suffer from sexual dysfunctions which are cause by sexual/intimacy anxiety.


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## Littlemisssunshine33 (Jun 6, 2012)

Thanks for your replies. Yes, I have thought he probably has low testosterone but not sure how I can him to the doctors to get it checked. He doesn't seem to think there is a problem.

There is no evidence of any porn use, have checked the computer and nothing. Also when we do have sex it is very good and there are no problems with erections/premature ejaculation. From what I can see he had a happy childhood, both parents still married and he is close to them. He is not on any treatment and has no other medical problems.

I just think he has no interest in sex and don't see how I change this. Part of me is desperate for him to notice me, I take care of myself and am told that I am very attractive, I don't know what else to do. I find myself desperate for sex and to the point where if I am out and see a good looking man find myself imagining having sex with him!!! Sorry, I probably sound like a nutter.

Thanks for your replies


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

You don't sound like a nutter -- you sound like a normal, and very frustrated, woman.

You can't change who he is. If you cannot convince him that this is a dealbreaker for your marriage, then I don't know what options you have. I'm really sorry.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

You say you're 38; how old is your husband?

FYI, you can also look at porn via smartphone, look at his phone and then check the bookmarks and browser history. Not to say it is porn, but perhaps.

Does he spend a lot of time on the computer in general? Does he play interactive games, or facebook? Does he spend time in chatrooms? 

Also, you know about inprivate browsing, right? That conceals your Internet history almost entirely. How tech savvy are you?

I don't mean to fixate on porn, because he may very well have little interest in it; just covering the bases before rejecting that angle.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Littlemisssunshine33 said:


> Thanks for your replies. Yes, I have thought he probably has low testosterone but not sure how I can him to the doctors to get it checked. He doesn't seem to think there is a problem.
> 
> There is no evidence of any porn use, have checked the computer and nothing. Also when we do have sex it is very good and there are no problems with erections/premature ejaculation. From what I can see he had a happy childhood, both parents still married and he is close to them. He is not on any treatment and has no other medical problems.
> 
> ...


Was he ever interested in sex? When you were dating and first married (before kids), how was he? Did he persue then? If so, how did you react?


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## Shiksa (Mar 2, 2012)

My H was not interested in sex for years. After reading on this site, I thought he might have low testosterone from the symptoms (other than lack of sexual desire) and went from the angle of him feeling better to approach him to see the doctor. yes, I was right. He just started shots and so far so good. He is also feeling better: able to keep his concentration and not feeling so tired in the afternoon and sleeping better.


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## Aristotle (Apr 4, 2012)

Littlemisssunshine33 said:


> Following out chat about how unhappy I was, nothing has really changed. I just keep thinking that if it was the other way around and I knew how unhappy he was I would be doing something about it. I feel so lonely and unhappy in my marriage and in my heart know that if it wasn't for the children I would have left him. We have had sex 3 times this year and he tells me what we have is reality and I want the fairtale. Well after reading posts on here I know this isn't reality. I feel as if I have been robbed of a proper sex life and have a lot of catching up to do. I know this is my fault as I married him knowing that the sex wasn't great.
> 
> About 1 year ago I met somebody else. We are only friends and we get on brilliant but we are both very attracted to each other. I almost feel that I have met my soulmate. I would never do anything with him because of my husband but it is very hard as he is everything my husband isn't.
> 
> What I am asking is, do you think my husband is normal for being so dissinterested in sex? There is no history of sexual abuse, he would never agree to go to counselling as he doesn't see there being a problem. What can I do to change things? I feel as if we go around in circles and have given up. I just feel so disappointed with my marriage and everything I am missing out on. What can I do?


First, I want to commend you for being honest. Let's start with some things you can do.

You are having an affair, and although I am sure you think it's harmless, it's an emotional affair. A lot of people here on TAM feel an emotional affair is worse than if you did something physically, which you said you would never do, yet you feel this other guy is your soulmate. That's pretty baaaad.

Your husband doesn't have a chance at this point, because everything the other guy does so different than your husband, will seem so much better. The other guy is perfect, your husband is flawed. Your husband could turn it up to 3 times a week, the other guy would do it 3 times a day.

Before we go further, this soulmate/other guy, that seems so perfect right now? 3% of affair relationships last after the affair is exposed and the spouse leaves for the other person. Do you want to know why? That other guy isn't going to be perfect, in fact, he will probably be a nightmare. You are bottom feeding and your low self esteem leaves you open for any type of man who will give you any type of attention. End that affair now.

If his sex drive was your biggest problem with the marriage before, it isn't now. The biggest problem now is your affair.

How long after you had your breast done did you meet this new guy? Did you already know him or was it a few years after? I notice you got it late in life, I am just wondering if this new boost also helped with creating this emotional affair.



> An "emotional affair" is an affair, which excludes physical intimacy but includes emotional intimacy and can begin as innocently as a friendship. It may also be called an affair of the heart. Where one partner is in a committed monogamous relationship, an emotional affair is a type of chaste nonmonogamy without consummation. When the affair breaches an agreement in the monogamous relationship of one of the partners to the affair, the term infidelity may be more apt.
> 
> 
> This type of affair is often characterized by:
> ...


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## Aristotle (Apr 4, 2012)

Also, I am sorry I do not have much to comment on about his lack of sex drive. It could be a number of issues but with the "fog" you are in right now, thinking another man could be your soulmate, it really just wouldn't matter. You say you have been reading this forum and notice you are really missing out on a proper sex life. Please go over to "coping with infidelity" and look at how many men and women are DESTROYED by emotional affairs.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Aristotle said:


> First, I want to commend you for being honest. Let's start with some things you can do.
> 
> You are having an affair, and although I am sure you think it's harmless, it's an emotional affair. A lot of people here on TAM feel an emotional affair is worse than if you did something physically, which you said you would never do, yet you feel this other guy is your soulmate. That's pretty baaaad.
> 
> ...


I can't believe I missed that part of her post. These points are very good.

To the OP - a couple of things to consider:

You may be rewriting your history with your husband. In the fog of your EA, your are justifying your behavior by interpreting what happened before in a negative light, making things seem worse so that you current behavior is not as bad. Ending the EA is critical to allow you to truly evaluate your marriage.

Consider that your EA is effecting your husband's attraction to you. Your invovlement with this other man creates a distance from your husband that he may sense. If that is the case, he may not want to have sex with you for those reasons.

Again, ending the EA needs to be done immediately. If you can't, then be decent and end your marriage.


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## Littlemisssunshine33 (Jun 6, 2012)

Thank you everybody for your replies, I really do appreciate every bit of help!

iheart- my husband is 41. I have seriously considered the porn theory but I haven't seen any evidence of it. I know this doesn't necessarily mean it's not happening. I am not very tech savy at all. What is inprivate browsing? My husband often spends time in his study watching tv. His back is to the door and screen faces the door, he usually wears headphones so doesn't hear me when I enter the room. I have never caught him watching anything dodgy. He does go on facebook but to my knowledge doesn't use chat rooms.

Tall average guy- no he has never really been interessted in sex. On our honeymoon we stayed in a 5 star luxury hotel in Mauritius, I think we had sex 3 times in 2 weeks.

Aristotle- I was really shocked to see my friendship described as an affair, I never saw it as that, to me he is just a friend. Although reading through the description that you have posted I can agree with some of these points and it has shocked me. I don't really see him very often, maybe once every 4-6 weeks. I don't see how ending this would make things better with my husband. Is stopping seeing him going to suddenly want my husband to want to have sex with me? Sorry to sound so thick. 

I have know him for just over a year and this was after I had the breast enlargment done. I also know he isn't perfect and don't see any romantic future with us. I don't imagine leaving my husband for him. To me he is a good friend who I really get on with.

You and another poster talk about fog, what do you mean exactly? I don't see myself as not being able to think clearly because of my friendship, I certainly haven't rewritten any of the negatives with my husband.

My husband and I aren't particularly close and haven't been for a very long time. We almost live independent lives together if that makes sense. This hasn't happened since my friendship but for a good few years prior to it, at least. So I end this friendship and my husband is going to want to have more sex with me it that what you are saying?

Thanks again


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

This is exactly the kind of derailing that Amp and Halien were talking about on another thread. LittleMissSunshine came with a specific problem of an asexual husband, and a minor comment about a new friendship became the focus of some posters. Not good, guys. You don't have to project your issues on every single post.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Hey LittleMiss,

Just a word regarding the emotional affair, since it seems like many others have touched on the bsis regarding your husband and sexual frequency.

Firstly, I don't think it matters if you think ending it with this other man will improve your sex life with your husband. If it's something you shouldn't be doing, and I'll leave it to you to define if you should or shouldn't, then stop. It isn't helping matters any, and there's always the risk it could go further. Even if you don't picture yourself leaving your husband for this man, that doesn't mean it can't change down the road. Or maybe this man develops feeling for you in that way and approaches you about it. Then what? You're in an awkward situation.

Additionally, is it possible your husband knows about this man, and has feelings of concern or resentment towards him? If so, that could be a road block as well.

When it comes to this other man, take a step back and reverse the view. If you husband was engaging another woman the exact same way you are engaging this man, how would you feel? If you can stomach it, then fine, but if not, perhaps that should be a signal to stop seeing him, or at least discuss it copletely with your husband.

My marriage ended for a variety of reasons, but the biggest issue was emotional affairs. My ex got involved in several of them over the 10 years we were together. I firmly believe they all started out as a friend as well, but rapidly grew from there. I'm not saying you'll act the same way, but there's always a risk in my opinion.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

lamaga said:


> This is exactly the kind of derailing that Amp and Halien were talking about on another thread. LittleMissSunshine came with a specific problem of an asexual husband, and a minor comment about a new friendship became the focus of some posters. Not good, guys. You don't have to project your issues on every single post.


Not sure I see it that way. She describes her problem, and then in her own words and unprompted, adds mention of a new friendship that she describes as follows:



> We are only friends and we get on brilliant but we are both *very attracted to each other.* I almost feel that I have met *my soulmate*. I would never do anything with him because of my husband but it is very hard as he is *everything my husband isn't*.


Those are big red flags (and her own words) I think it is reasonable to question whether her husband is in fact asexual, or whether she is rewriting the history of her marriage.

To the OP - Search the fog in the Coping with Infidelity section. It discusses a spouse in an affair being in a fog, where they don't see things clearly, and where they rewrite their history.

With respect to sex early in the relationship, was he not interested, or did he just not push. That is, would he have been interested but you said or implied that you were not interested at that time. I am trying to figure out if he is resentful or has trained himself to not want sex anymore because he felt rejected by you, or if he is just a lower drive.

If he is lower drive than you, consider getting him to a doctor to get check his T levels and overall health. Also consider marriage counselling to address a need in the marriage that he is not meeting for you.

I do think you need to drop your friend. Despite you later post, you initially admitted that you are "very attracted" to him, that he is you "soulmate" and that "he is everything you husband is not." That is a dangerous relationship if you really want to fix your marriage.


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

Hey Sunshine...
my wife was a lot like your husband and still is. Up until very recently, we had very little sex. Part of it (for me) is not feeling desired. That is 75% of it. As far as my sex drive, for the first 18 years it kinda matched her drive. I knew she was never interested and I was too passive to push it. I know it is not me because she was a virgin at 25. It took a year for me to take her panties off. I was crazy enough to hang around that long.

It is different now... I let her know what I wanted. I talked a lot on how I felt. Sex went from 2-3 times a month which wasn't even good, until now at 3-4 times a week. My wife has come a long way and I know she is trying. For me... the more sex I have, the better it gets as far as my longevity.

In the past, I have gone several months without it and when the time came for sex... I really thought my junk wasn't working at all.

So I ALWAYS have to be the one to initiate. I gave up on the hugs... Not going to happen unles I am the one to hug my wife first. The words "I Love You" hasn't been uttered in way over a year. In the past, I was always the one to say it first. I don't remember her EVER saying it first.

I can understand it when somebody finds you desireable. It has happened to me. Deep down, I do not want to cheat. I know you don't either.

Try to be more assertive. Make him feel like a man. Give him back rubs. Try anything even if he doesn't respond sexually. You said it yourself... He has always lacked interest in sex. He is just very LD. it may take a lot of work on your part. 

For me, I don't want to be the one begging for romance, a date night away from the kiddo, hugs, or my wife saying something goo about my body, especially now that I am working out and looking better.

So I am trying to find things to say to give her confidence in hopes she finds me desireable? Right!


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## Aristotle (Apr 4, 2012)

lamaga said:


> This is exactly the kind of derailing that Amp and Halien were talking about on another thread. LittleMissSunshine came with a specific problem of an asexual husband, and a minor comment about a new friendship became the focus of some posters. Not good, guys. You don't have to project your issues on every single post.


^Your post is more of a derail than anything I've said here. In fact, I am now responding to the "derailing" when you already made it clear you didn't have an answer for her. There are 5 posts on the first page of this forum alone where we try to answer why a marriage is sexless. We read the first post and make a judgement call on what the problem could be. There are VARIABLES to every person's relationship. If you think my response is any type of "derail" then I apologize, but I truly feel you are off the mark here, and instead of dealing with the issues in this thread you are talking about the "problems of this board is so many people derail" 

HUH?!

I am positive you have already done so, but please read this again.



> About 1 year ago I met somebody else. We are only friends and we get on brilliant but we are both very attracted to each other. I almost feel that I have met my soulmate. I would never do anything with him because of my husband but it is very hard as he is everything my husband isn't.


This is a huge red flag. If her friend was so unimportant, then why mention him? If her friend was so unimportant, then why let us know she feels like he could be his soulmate. If her friend is so unimportant, why mention that they are both attracted to each other? This is a huge, and I mean absolutely huge red flag, and unlike the other 5 posts about a spouse not wanting to have sex, this issue may be something other than just a guy who magically doesn't like sex, that you didn't have an answer for. 

Sometimes lamaga, the answer isn't quite as simple as saying, "Well you can't change him so I don't know what you can do. Is it his medication, maybe his testosterone is low, or maybe he is addicted to porn and masturbates instead of wants sex."

This has nothing to do with "projecting" issues. I'm not going to argue again about the idea of "derailing" as this is a whole other issue entirely, and in my opinion, a very bad call in saying our comments were "derailing".



> About 1 year ago I met somebody else. We are only friends and we get on brilliant but we are both very attracted to each other. I almost feel that I have met my soulmate. I would never do anything with him because of my husband but it is very hard as he is everything my husband isn't.
> 
> What I am asking is, do you think my husband is normal for being so dissinterested in sex? There is no history of sexual abuse, he would never agree to go to counselling as he doesn't see there being a problem. What can I do to change things? I feel as if we go around in circles and have given up. I just feel so disappointed with my marriage and everything I am missing out on. What can I do?


My answer is still the same, get rid of this friend until you decide whether or not you want to continue this relationship. This biggest problem in this marriage as of now, until the friend is gone, is the friend. Come clean with your husband, let him know you feel this friend is like your soulmate, let him know you have been visiting this friend, let him know you feel this friend is everything your husband isn't, let him know how much you email, txt, and talk to this friend, and let him know you are both attracted to each other. Give your husband a heads up, your honesty could save your marriage. If he doesn't respond, still treats you the same, and continues to not want sex, then you KNOW your answer. It may be time to get out of that marriage. You will be surprised how many men appreciate their wives after they see, "Oh, so she isn't going to stay with me no matter how much I ignore her....." He can be the man you married, but be honest with him, communicate, and give him a chance to be the soulmate you thought he was when you married him.

I would ask if the friend is married or held back, but I already feel like I must hold back questions now, as I don't want to "derail" the topic any further.

To answer your question (although there are members on the infidelity forum that can answer this question so much better than me), the "fog" is a state a person is in when they are in an emotional affair. Partially, it's the feeling a person gets about their marriage when they have a new "friend" that seems to be so much better than their husband. It's the chemicals released in the brain because of the attention this new "friendship" provides. It's the feeling that resembles falling in love, being attractive, being attracted, and finding a "soulmate". This feeling becomes an addiction, and to keep this feeling, you rewrite your own marriage history and this new "friend" becomes everything your husband isn't, a horrible spouse. As the "fog" takes over, the cheating spouse tends to think her current relationship has hit an absolute dead end, it's hopeless. There is so much more...l.

Here is a book you may want to read. 

Not "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity


..... sorry for derailing the thread!


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## Aristotle (Apr 4, 2012)

One last comment and I will stop being an annoyance. Littlemisssunshine, If you truly want to see if your marriage is worth saving, you have the biggest relationship catalyst in the world. You have the answer to if your husband will ever change. All you have to do is give up this friend that you've known for a year.

Sit your husband down, show him your last emails to your friend, show him the talks you've had, tell him about the visits, tell him about the attraction, tell him that you think this guy could be your soulmate. That sounds self-destructive, I know. But if your husband cares about you, he will be mad at first, be realize, why did she tell me? She loves me more. She didn't have sex, she stayed faithful. I almost LOST her. This can change a man, I promise you. I am not an advocat of "cheating", but it's already happened. The bad things in your relationship pushed you to someone else, but you still have a chance to save your marriage. Apologize to him and let him know that you love him more than anything in the world but this guy is everything he isn't, but everything he USED to be. You want your husband back. 

You lose a friend, you write a no contact letter, you work things out with your husband. If things don't change, you have your answer. If this won't change your husband, nothing will. 

You are blessed right now to be in a grey area. Although you messed up by letting your feelings get carried away, and I assume some of things you are doing with this friend has been kept a secret, you are blessed that this can be that one answer to getting your spouse back.

And that's my advice for your sexless marriage. 

Good luck.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

lamaga said:


> This is exactly the kind of derailing that Amp and Halien were talking about on another thread. LittleMissSunshine came with a specific problem of an asexual husband, and a minor comment about a new friendship became the focus of some posters. Not good, guys. You don't have to project your issues on every single post.


You are way off base here. Like Thorburn said in another post, there is plenty of room for differing opinions. So don't be shy--and I know I didn't need to say that anyhow.

This happens to be one thread where no one suspected an emotional affair, the OP spelled it out.

Do you honestly think she's going to close the gap with her husband while she has a sexually attractive confidant on the side? 

lamaga, it's your bias that's showing, not Aristotle's. Sorry!


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