# Wife constantly puts me down, then blames me for her behavior



## rockr26

Hi all. I don't think there's much that can be said here to make things better, but at this point, I'm willing to try anything.

My wife and I have been married a little over 4 years. I love her right to death, but most of the time I can't stand to be around her anymore. 

She's very sweet and thoughtful some of the time (used to be most of the time) but the rest of the time, dealing with her is a nightmare. She is constantly yelling, insulting, snapping, and putting me down in front of others. I suck it up as best I can, but a person can only take so much, you know? 

It's reached the point where I'm lucky to go a day without a problem. I've always tried to be supportive, and be there for her when she has a problem. Usually, this is greeted with her somehow blaming me for the problem I'm trying to help her with. On the contrary, if something is bothering me, I never get an ounce of sympathy. 

Just today, we were sitting on the bed talking about when we're going to bring my car in for repairs. So far, we'd been having a good day. She mumbled something quietly about which day she thought would work better, and I said, "Hmm?" She then said, "Oh my god are you that stupid? I said..." Then she yelled what she'd said before. I said, "You don't need to yell at me, I didn't hear you because you were talking quietly." She proceeded to scream, "I wasn't f***ing yelling at you! You just hate me so much that you think everything I do is horrible!" I told her it upset me that she would call me stupid because I didn't hear her, and she denied having said it. Then she got upset because I was "lying and making stuff up about her." 

This is usually how these things go. Most of the time, I simply ignore it when she yells and insults me, and just continue the conversation because any suggestion that she might be treating me badly triggers a response similar to the one above. But I can't just ignore it all the time. The closest thing I've ever gotten to an apology out of her is "I'm sorry you hate everything I do."

I feel like I can't do anything anymore. The way I see it, I have two options in the relationship: I can simply let her treat me like crap all the time and pretend there's nothing wrong, which is miserable for me, or I can try to discuss these issues, which infallibly results in her screaming at me and telling me all about how her behavior is my fault. Her reasons for it being my fault range from "you're so stupid" to "you just hate everything about me" to "that never happened, stop telling lies about me."

I reached the end of my rope earlier this year, and made up my mind that I couldn't be in a toxic relationship like this anymore. It absolutely broke my heart to make this decision, and I cried about it for days because I love her good side so much, but I felt like I had to make the choice for me. 

But then, before I'd had a chance to set affairs in order and get out, she informed me that she was pregnant. Having a child is something we both dreamed of, and it was a happy moment. I simply couldn't go through with it in light of the news. 

See, my mother divorced my father when I was two. I do not blame her for this, in fact I am very grateful, as he is a scumbag. But regardless, growing up without a dad is hard. It really sucks. I remember feeling so crappy when my friends would tell me about the camping trip they took with their dads, and I didn't have a dad to do these things with. 

So I will not, I repeat, *WILL NOT* subject a child to that. 

But now, I'm stuck in a relationship that beats me down more and more every day. Don't get me wrong; again, I love my wife more than I can say, and when things are good, they're great. But more and more as time goes on, the bad outweighs the good. 

Oddly enough, she's been easier to live with since being pregnant. We have less fights even though she's more irritable... I don't know how that worked out, but there it is. Granted, it hasn't been extraordinarily better, but it's pretty significant. My best theory is that we're both excited about the baby, which puts us in better moods. She's been noticeably nicer to me, which makes it easier to ignore the times she's not so nice. 

But I won't kid myself into thinking it will last. With the way she treats me, I'm genuinely concerned about how she'll treat our child. If one little thing doesn't go exactly her way, you can bet your bottom dollar that she will throw a fit and scream and blame not only her problems, but her behavior on others. 

To be honest, I'm afraid. Afraid of what will happen if I stay, even more afraid of what will happen if we split up.

I feel like the biggest douche in the world for saying this, but this child is really the only reason I try anymore. I just don't know what to do anymore.

EDIT: Forgot to mention... The baby is due in mid-January.


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## anchorwatch

Has she always acted toward you this this way?

Why are you not giving her boundaries as to how you wish to be treated?


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## KathyBatesel

It's possible that hormones are influencing her moods when she's *not* pregnant just as much as when she is. Clearly you have some communication issues between you, too. 

My suggestion to you is to stop getting hooked. The very moment you see her starting to introduce blame or insults, make a simple, unemotional statement like, "I love you, but I will not tolerate blame or emotional outbursts. We can talk more when you're not feeling so angry." Then leave the room until she approaches you and is calm.


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## lovelygirl

Your wife is a selfish, inconsiderate, HUGE b*tch! She doesn't respect you AT ALL!!!!
How can you tolerate THAT??

You don't respect yourself enough to put your foot down and make her give it an end so don't expect her to respect you. 

If you shut your mouth and suck it up then no women will ever respect you, let alone the b*tch you have at home. 

Sorry for being so blunt but she needs to understand that you're not a child, you're her MAN. But you should behave like a REAL MAN, first.


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## in my tree

She sounds like she has major anger issues. As anchorwatch asked, is this a regular thing with her? How was she before you got married and does she treat others this way? I would also be afraid that she would treat your child this way, someday.

She cannot continue to talk/treat you this way. Your marriage will deteriorate and your sense of self worth is in danger. She needs to talk to someone about her issues and anger.


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## 22years

Sounds like BPD type
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anchorwatch

22years said:


> Sounds like BPD type
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I wouldn't assume that as of yet.

That's not that common.


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## Emerald

22years said:


> Sounds like BPD type
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Agree or unmedicated bipolar.

Hopefully poster "Uptown" will chime in with info about BPD.


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## rockr26

anchorwatch said:


> Has she always acted toward you this this way?


No. If she did, I never would have married her. This started off very small, after we were married, and has become worse and worse as time goes on.



anchorwatch said:


> Why are you not giving her boundaries as to how you wish to be treated?


I have. Again and again. Every time, she tells me she doesn't think she does anything wrong. This usually starts a fight because my telling her I don't like the way I'm being treated prompts her to yell at me about how I must just hate her.



KathyBatesel said:


> It's possible that hormones are influencing her moods when she's *not* pregnant just as much as when she is. Clearly you have some communication issues between you, too.
> 
> My suggestion to you is to stop getting hooked. The very moment you see her starting to introduce blame or insults, make a simple, unemotional statement like, "I love you, but I will not tolerate blame or emotional outbursts. We can talk more when you're not feeling so angry." Then leave the room until she approaches you and is calm.


I have tried this method again and again. She simply follows me around, screaming at me. Once, I even tried to drive away to take some space. She stood in front of my car and wouldn't let me leave.



lovelygirl said:


> Your wife is a selfish, inconsiderate, HUGE b*tch! She doesn't respect you AT ALL!!!!
> How can you tolerate THAT??
> 
> You don't respect yourself enough to put your foot down and make her give it an end so don't expect her to respect you.
> 
> If you shut your mouth and suck it up then no women will ever respect you, let alone the b*tch you have at home.
> 
> Sorry for being so blunt but she needs to understand that you're not a child, you're her MAN. But you should behave like a REAL MAN, first.


I used to call her out on these things much more often. But as it happened more frequently, I realized that saying ANYTHING about it, either angrily or calmly, simply results in her screaming at me. Then, she refuses to talk to me until *I* apologize for "making up lies about her."

...And don't sweat the bluntness.  Sometimes it's needed. I know that as well as the next person.



in my tree said:


> She sounds like she has major anger issues. As anchorwatch asked, is this a regular thing with her? How was she before you got married and does she treat others this way? I would also be afraid that she would treat your child this way, someday.
> 
> She cannot continue to talk/treat you this way. Your marriage will deteriorate and your sense of self worth is in danger. She needs to talk to someone about her issues and anger.


She does not treat others this way. I am often surprised at how nicely she treats everyone else, even people who treat us badly. Unfortunately, any time I mention the possibility of her getting help, she blows up at me. I've even tried presenting it as something we both need. I've suggested marriage counseling as a way to help us both, and she said, "Why? You're always just going to vilify everything I say, anyways."

In her mind, nothing she does is ever wrong. It's always someone else's fault. A lot of times, she'll deny having done or said things just a few minutes after she's done or said them. 

On top of nothing being her fault, *everything* is my fault. For example, several months ago, we were going to the grocery store. I was driving. Some idiot pulled out right in front of me while I was doing about 45. I immediately slammed the brakes and avoided hitting the person. I looked at my wife and said, "Damn, what an *******." She screamed at me and said that it wouldn't have happened if I payed attention to the road. I told her that the only reason we didn't wreck the car is that I *was* paying attention. But her mind was made up. She got out of the car and refused to get in, saying she didn't feel safe with an idiot driving. Then she walked the 5 miles back home. I tried picking her up a few times, but she kept refusing, screaming at me to get away from her because she was afraid of me, and making a scene So I drove home. When she finally got home, she was on her cellphone with her mother, telling her all about how I kicked her out of my car and forced her to walk home. When I tried to talk to her about it later, she said she wouldn't talk to me because I "put her life in danger." There is simply no reasoning with her. On the plus side, she has never been physically violent.

Edit: I must say, I'm impressed with the quick responses


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## anchorwatch

Ok I was going to say you're a Nice Guy and sugest Dr Glover's book. No More Mr. Nice Guy



rockr26 said:


> She does not treat others this way. I am often surprised at how nicely she treats everyone else, even people who treat us badly. Unfortunately, any time I mention the possibility of her getting help, she blows up at me. I've even tried presenting it as something we both need. I've suggested marriage counseling as a way to help us both, and she said, "Why? You're always just going to vilify everything I say, anyways."
> 
> In her mind, nothing she does is ever wrong. It's always someone else's fault. A lot of times, she'll deny having done or said things just a few minutes after she's done or said them.
> 
> On top of nothing being her fault, *everything* is my fault. For example, several months ago, we were going to the grocery store. I was driving. Some idiot pulled out right in front of me while I was doing about 45. I immediately slammed the brakes and avoided hitting the person. I looked at my wife and said, "Damn, what an *******." She screamed at me and said that it wouldn't have happened if I payed attention to the road. I told her that the only reason we didn't wreck the car is that I *was* paying attention. But her mind was made up. She got out of the car and refused to get in, saying she didn't feel safe with an idiot driving. Then she walked the 5 miles back home. I tried picking her up a few times, but she kept refusing, screaming at me to get away from her because she was afraid of me, and making a scene So I drove home. When she finally got home, she was on her cellphone with her mother, telling her all about how I kicked her out of my car and forced her to walk home. When I tried to talk to her about it later, she said she wouldn't talk to me because I "put her life in danger." There is simply no reasoning with her. On the plus side, she has never been physically violent.
> 
> Edit: I must say, I'm impressed with the quick responses


Now that I read this I think different. Search Uptown's threads on BPD and NPD. 

Good luck


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## rockr26

anchorwatch said:


> Ok I was going to say you're a Nice Guy and sugest Dr Glover's book. No More Mr. Nice Guy
> 
> 
> 
> Now that I read this I think different. Search Uptown's threads on BPD and NPD.
> 
> Good luck


Well, I'm not an A-hole, but I don't let myself get pushed around without standing up for myself. But I've stopped doing it with my wife (for the most part) because doing so only makes things worse with her. It's the difference between feeling like sh** for a few minutes and staying up until 4am arguing. If I said something about it every time it happened, we'd never get anything done because we'd be fighting all the time. And when we're not fighting, she at least treats me nicely some of the time. 

It should be noted that we never fight about money. We never fight about life decisions (a couple of minor disagreements here and there, but nothing notable). Sex has always been a healthy part of our relationship, with both of us "horny and willing", as they say, on a very regular basis. Even since the pregnancy, our "fun time" hasn't changed substantially. If anything, we're going at it more because we know we won't be able to as much with a child around.

The only thing we ever fight about is how she treats me. Every time she says or does something insulting, which is most days, I have a small mental battle with myself; should I let it go and have a peaceful day? Or say something and condemn us to a several-hour-long fight that will just end up with both of us saying things we'll regret? I used to choose the latter. Now I usually choose the former because it's less exhausting and less stressful.


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## Uptown

Rocker, I agree with 22years, Emerald, and Anchor that the behaviors you describe sound like classic BPD traits. Specifically, you mention


Flipping in seconds from loving you to hating you,
Strong verbal abuse,
Always being "The Victim," and validating that false self image by constantly blaming you for every misfortune (real or imagined) -- as you say, _"__everything is my fault.." _and another example of her being a martyr is the time _"she walked the 5 miles back home,"_
Lack of empathy -- as you say,_"I never get an ounce of sympathy,"_
Lack of impulse control, e.g., having to resolve every minor dispute RIGHT NOW -- as seems to have occurred when you were trying to drive away to get some relief from her rage and "she stood in front of my car and wouldn't let me leave."
Frequent rewriting of history -- e.g., "she was on her cellphone with her mother, telling her all about how I kicked her out of my car and forced her to walk home,"
Inability to trust -- e.g., _"she refuses to talk to me until I apologize for making up lies about her," _and
Event-triggered rages -- i.e., because she always carries enormous anger inside, you don't have to do anything to CREATE the anger; rather, you only have to TRIGGER the anger that is already there.



> when things are good, they're great.


Yes, when a BPDer is "splitting you white" and acting good, she is very VERY good. And when she is splitting you black, a BPDer is very abusive and horrid. Significantly, this rapid alternation between ecstatic highs and terrible lows has much the same effect as being on heroine or cocaine and alternating between the highs and painful withdrawals. It therefore should not be surprising that BPDer relationships tend to be highly addictive to excessive caregivers like you and me.


> Most of the time, I simply ignore it when she yells and insults me.


That's called "walking on eggshells," which is what spouses typically do around BPDer partners. That's why the #1 best-selling BPD book (targeted to the BPD spouses) is called _Stop Walking on Eggshells._


> She does not treat others this way. I am often surprised at how nicely she treats everyone else, even people who treat us badly.


The vast majority of BPDers are high functioning, which means that they usually get along well with casual friends, business associates, and total strangers. None of those people trigger the BPDer's two fears: abandonment and engulfment. There is no close relationship to be abandoned and no intimacy to cause engulfment. 

Heaven help them, however, if they make the mistake of trying to draw close to her in a close friendship. This is why BPDers typically have no close long-term friends (unless they live a long distance away). And this is why a HF BPDer can be generous and caring all day long with total strangers -- and then go home at night to abuse the very people who love her.


> The way I see it, I have two options in the relationship: *I can simply let her treat me like crap all the time ...or I can try to discuss these issues*, which infallibly results in her screaming at me.


No, both of those approaches constitute the very same option because both will result in your continued abuse in a toxic marriage. Because you cannot fix her or persuade her to fix herself, your two real options are (a) continuing to be an abused doormat or (b) walking out on her (or, what amounts to the very same thing, enforcing your personal boundaries, which almost certainly will result in her leaving you).


> This started off very small, after we were married, and has become worse and worse as time goes on.


The courtship period with a BPDer (i.e., person with strong BPD traits) is usually intensely passionate and wonderful. When the BPDer's infatuation over you wears off, however, her two great fears (abandonment and engulfment) will return, bringing with them the temper tantrums and distrust. This is why marriages to BPDers typically start going off a cliff shortly after the wedding, if not before.


> Unfortunately, any time I mention the possibility of her getting help, she blows up at me.


That is not surprising if she has strong BPD traits. BPDers are filled with so much shame and self loathing that the last thing they want to find is one more thing to add to the long list of things they hate about themselves. Moreover, because strong BPD traits are created in early childhood, the person has been thinking in this distorted manner for a lifetime. The distorted thinking therefore is such a normal day-to-day part of her thinking process that it typically is nearly invisible to the BPDer herself.


> It should be noted that we never fight about money. We never fight about life decisions.


BPDers typically create numerous fights over matters so trivial (if not imaginary) that both partners have great trouble even recalling what they argued about three days later. This happens because BPDers create the drama as a way of validating their false self image of being "The Victim." They also create the drama, when they are feeling suffocated and engulfed by intimacy, as a way of pushing their partners away.


> I've suggested marriage counseling as a way to help us both.


Rocker, if your W has strong BPD traits, MC likely will be a waste of time and money because her issues go far beyond a simple lack of communication skills. I caution, however, that BPD is a "spectrum disorder," which means that it affects everyone to some degree. That is, every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all nine of the BPD traits, albeit at a low level if the person is emotionally healthy. At issue, then, is whether your W's BPD traits are at such a strong level that they are undermining your M by distorting her perceptions of your intentions. 

Also at issue is whether your W's BPD traits are _persistent._ I mention this because even we "nonBPDers" can get a big flareup of our BPD traits -- sometimes lasting a couple of years -- when we experience a dramatic change in hormone levels. This commonly occurs, e.g., during puberty, pregnancy, menstruation, or postpartum. 

I therefore agree with Kathy that hormones is a factor worth considering, particularly if her tantrums did not start until one or two years into the marriage. Because Anchorwatch is well aware of this possibility when traits are not persistent, it likely explains why his very first question to you was _"Has she always acted toward you this this way?"_

I also caution that BPDers typically have a great fear of abandonment -- about which you have not mentioned a thing. I therefore ask whether you have seen evidence of irrational jealousy? The closest thing to this you have mentioned is that she has often accused you of lying to her -- indicating a lack of trust.

With regard to these important issues -- about the strength and persistence of her BPD traits -- I don't know the answers. I've never met your W and thus cannot know whether she actually has strong BPD traits. I am convinced, however, that you are fully capable of learning how to spot strong and persistent BPD traits if and when they are occurring. That is not difficult to do, when you've been living with a woman for four years, if you will take a little time to learn what red flags to look for.

I therefore suggest you see a psychologist -- for a visit or two by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you are dealing with. I also suggest, while you're waiting for an appointment, that you read my brief overview of BPD traits in Maybe's thread at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/33734-my-list-hell.html#post473522. If that overview rings some bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you and point you to good online resources. Take care, Rocker.


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## MuleM

Congratulations on your baby 

Staying married just for the sake of your child probably won't be doing him or her any favors, if things continue like this.

Ok, my advice.. Well maybe she is just as irrational and impossible to talk to as you said. But before you write her off I'd try experimenting with some other behaviors. What do you have to lose?

First, if I were you I'd go to the mirror, close your eyes, imagine her going off on you in one of these tirades. Imagine your typical reaction. Then open your eyes. If the expression on your face looks scared, beaten, or anything of the sort, then you may be contributing to this in some ways yourself. If you usually have an air about you like you're about to get attacked, you're vastly increasing your odds of it actually happening.
Very much like, if a dog starts whimpering, other dogs will instinctively jump on him. That's why dogs are so stoic by nature. Kids too in many ways. 

So..The next time she is in your vicinity and gives the impression of a fight brewing, be very careful of your posture and the expression on your face. Other people have suggested defining boundaries verbally which may work fine in many cases, but personally it's hard to imagine that not sounding at least a touch whiny. If I were you I'd just not respond, period. Let her rant and rave and leave the room. If she follows, leave the house. Do not come back until _she_ initiates making up and gives you a real apology. If you want to go to counseling with her, that would be a good time to suggest it:
Her: I'm really sorry, please come home.
You: Agree to marriage counseling.

Maybe I'm way off, and there's probably much more refined ways to handle it..but I just get the feeling from your post you may be allowing a lot of this just on the nonverbal aspect.


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## rockr26

Uptown said:


> The distorted thinking therefore is such a normal day-to-day part of her thinking process that it typically is nearly invisible to the BPDer herself.BPDers typically create numerous fights over matters so trivial (if not imaginary) that both partners have great trouble even recalling what they argued about three days later.
> 
> I also caution that BPDers typically have a great fear of abandonment -- about which you have not mentioned a thing. I therefore ask whether you have seen evidence of irrational jealousy? The closest thing to this you have mentioned is that she has often accused you of lying to her -- indicating a lack of trust.


Wow, first of all, thank you for the in-depth response. I can see you put some time into it. In regards to the two sections I have quoted, the first part made me stop dead while I was reading it. *This happens to us all the time.* Often, a fight starts because we're talking about something trivial like what we had for dinner a few nights ago, and she, for whatever reason, says something rude or snarky. I say something along the lines of, "There's no reason to be rude, what's the matter?" and this blows into one of the mega-fights about how she didn't say it and I'm making it up. Then, a few days later, though we're still bitter about the fight, we can't remember what started it. Partially because it was so trivial, and partially because in the fight, we will invariably drudge up old fights and grudges, to the point where the original issue is lost. 

As to the second part, my wife does not have any abandonment issues that I can detect. In fact, in the heat of nasty arguments, she's the one that says she wants nothing to do with me anymore, get out of my life, etc., etc. The trust issue you mention, the accusation of lies, I don't know what to make of. The only time she accuses me of lying is when she's insulted me or yelled at me for unwarranted reasons, and I call her on it. Then, she says that she never said those things, so I must be making it up. I honestly don't know if she actually believes this, or is just saying it to take the blame off herself. 

She is not the jealous type in any way. She has said and demonstrated many times over that she trusts me fully. She never snoops or checks up on me. We respect each other's space and privacy like that. 

Thanks again for the in-depth response... A lot of what you said really made me think. 



MuleM said:


> Congratulations on your baby
> 
> Staying married just for the sake of your child probably won't be doing him or her any favors, if things continue like this.
> 
> Ok, my advice.. Well maybe she is just as irrational and impossible to talk to as you said. But before you write her off I'd try experimenting with some other behaviors. What do you have to lose?
> 
> First, if I were you I'd go to the mirror, close your eyes, imagine her going off on you in one of these tirades. Imagine your typical reaction. Then open your eyes. If the expression on your face looks scared, beaten, or anything of the sort, then you may be contributing to this in some ways yourself. If you usually have an air about you like you're about to get attacked, you're vastly increasing your odds of it actually happening.
> Very much like, if a dog starts whimpering, other dogs will instinctively jump on him. That's why dogs are so stoic by nature. Kids too in many ways.
> 
> So..The next time she is in your vicinity and gives the impression of a fight brewing, be very careful of your posture and the expression on your face. Other people have suggested defining boundaries verbally which may work fine in many cases, but personally it's hard to imagine that not sounding at least a touch whiny. If I were you I'd just not respond, period. Let her rant and rave and leave the room. If she follows, leave the house. Do not come back until _she_ initiates making up and gives you a real apology. If you want to go to counseling with her, that would be a good time to suggest it:
> Her: I'm really sorry, please come home.
> You: Agree to marriage counseling.
> 
> Maybe I'm way off, and there's probably much more refined ways to handle it..but I just get the feeling from your post you may be allowing a lot of this just on the nonverbal aspect.


There never is an "impression of a fight brewing." She says something insulting or sarcastic, and if I ignore it, life goes on and she acts normal immediately after it was said. If I mention it and tell her how it made me feel, a fight ensues.


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## Uptown

> my wife does not have any abandonment issues that I can detect.


Rocker, the fear of abandonment, although one of the basic BPD traits, is not considered essential for a strong pattern of BPD traits to exist. I nonetheless have never encountered a BPDer who has no such fear and is not distrustful. I therefore am skeptical your W has a strong pattern of such traits. In any event, if you have time to read the post I provided a link for, I would be interested in hearing if you find most of the described traits to be applicable to her behavior.


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## sheer

You should try open marriage. It works!


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## anchorwatch

sheer said:


> You should try open marriage. It works!


WTF!!!

The OP has a serious life problem and that's your advice??? 

Get a life!


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## MidwestDave

rockr26 said:


> Hi all. I don't think there's much that can be said here to make things better, but at this point, I'm willing to try anything.
> 
> My wife and I have been married a little over 4 years. I love her right to death, but most of the time I can't stand to be around her anymore.
> 
> She's very sweet and thoughtful some of the time (used to be most of the time) but the rest of the time, dealing with her is a nightmare. She is constantly yelling, insulting, snapping, and putting me down in front of others. I suck it up as best I can, but a person can only take so much, you know?
> 
> It's reached the point where I'm lucky to go a day without a problem. I've always tried to be supportive, and be there for her when she has a problem. Usually, this is greeted with her somehow blaming me for the problem I'm trying to help her with. On the contrary, if something is bothering me, I never get an ounce of sympathy.
> 
> Just today, we were sitting on the bed talking about when we're going to bring my car in for repairs. So far, we'd been having a good day. She mumbled something quietly about which day she thought would work better, and I said, "Hmm?" She then said, "Oh my god are you that stupid? I said..." Then she yelled what she'd said before. I said, "You don't need to yell at me, I didn't hear you because you were talking quietly." She proceeded to scream, "I wasn't f***ing yelling at you! You just hate me so much that you think everything I do is horrible!" I told her it upset me that she would call me stupid because I didn't hear her, and she denied having said it. Then she got upset because I was "lying and making stuff up about her."
> 
> This is usually how these things go. Most of the time, I simply ignore it when she yells and insults me, and just continue the conversation because any suggestion that she might be treating me badly triggers a response similar to the one above. But I can't just ignore it all the time. The closest thing I've ever gotten to an apology out of her is "I'm sorry you hate everything I do."
> 
> I feel like I can't do anything anymore. The way I see it, I have two options in the relationship: I can simply let her treat me like crap all the time and pretend there's nothing wrong, which is miserable for me, or I can try to discuss these issues, which infallibly results in her screaming at me and telling me all about how her behavior is my fault. Her reasons for it being my fault range from "you're so stupid" to "you just hate everything about me" to "that never happened, stop telling lies about me."
> 
> I reached the end of my rope earlier this year, and made up my mind that I couldn't be in a toxic relationship like this anymore. It absolutely broke my heart to make this decision, and I cried about it for days because I love her good side so much, but I felt like I had to make the choice for me.
> 
> But then, before I'd had a chance to set affairs in order and get out, she informed me that she was pregnant. Having a child is something we both dreamed of, and it was a happy moment. I simply couldn't go through with it in light of the news.
> 
> See, my mother divorced my father when I was two. I do not blame her for this, in fact I am very grateful, as he is a scumbag. But regardless, growing up without a dad is hard. It really sucks. I remember feeling so crappy when my friends would tell me about the camping trip they took with their dads, and I didn't have a dad to do these things with.
> 
> So I will not, I repeat, *WILL NOT* subject a child to that.
> 
> But now, I'm stuck in a relationship that beats me down more and more every day. Don't get me wrong; again, I love my wife more than I can say, and when things are good, they're great. But more and more as time goes on, the bad outweighs the good.
> 
> Oddly enough, she's been easier to live with since being pregnant. We have less fights even though she's more irritable... I don't know how that worked out, but there it is. Granted, it hasn't been extraordinarily better, but it's pretty significant. My best theory is that we're both excited about the baby, which puts us in better moods. She's been noticeably nicer to me, which makes it easier to ignore the times she's not so nice.
> 
> But I won't kid myself into thinking it will last. With the way she treats me, I'm genuinely concerned about how she'll treat our child. If one little thing doesn't go exactly her way, you can bet your bottom dollar that she will throw a fit and scream and blame not only her problems, but her behavior on others.
> 
> To be honest, I'm afraid. Afraid of what will happen if I stay, even more afraid of what will happen if we split up.
> 
> I feel like the biggest douche in the world for saying this, but this child is really the only reason I try anymore. I just don't know what to do anymore.
> 
> EDIT: Forgot to mention... The baby is due in mid-January.


My friend, my wife treats me EXACTLY the same way, and it has nothing to do with hormones since she has had a hysterectomy. It has to do with someone that has a self esteem problem - or BPD as others have said.

This requires her to control you and to use you emotionally to make herself feel better about herself. She is immature emotionally and may always be that way. Sorry but that is the reality of the situation. 

As far as the divorce having a negative effect on your child? Yes it might, for the short run. But if a relationship is destroying your mental health, it will only end up damaging them even more in the long run. I am not suggesting you get divorced, just that you continue with this marriage with your eyes wide open. This is just my off the cuff opinion, for what it is worth. Based on my own experiences.

I often read the advice about "just get some courage and walk away from it, be a man". Ignore that. Real men don't give up when things get rough especially when a child is involved. Whether we like it or not, suffering is a part of life, and a relationship always brings some suffering, even a good one. Wisdom is knowing when the damage becomes so great that by staying you end up harming the ones you are trying to care for - only you can know when it is time to move on.


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## KathyBatesel

I'm not sure why, but my gut's telling me this isn't BPD. 

I'm sitting here trying to pinpoint why I don't think it is, since there are certainly many similarities between her behavior and BPD.... 

I think the "she's easier to get along with since becoming pregnant" might be part of why I am having doubts of this and never raised BPD as a possibility when I first responded to the OP.

Also, I don't see the OP saying anything that hints that she fears abandonment in any way or that her outbursts are tied to moments of intimacy that triggered her fears. 

I'm also skeptical about NPD even though her behaviors are similar in some ways to that, too. 

Certainly this is an abusive woman with severe anger issues and who doesn't feel love or respect for her husband, but whether it's because of a personality disorder or not seems premature to say based on the info in the OP. 

In any case, though, the OP needs to get out of that relationship as he originally planned to do, but this time he needs to take a little one with him.

That means strategizing his exit carefully, carrying a voice-activated recorder on him that he can use for his defense when she escalates into false accusations of abuse, etc., having an attorney who is known for being very effective, possibly getting restraining orders if she escalates to physical violence, and maybe even moving out of state when his divorce finalizes to prevent his next couple of decades from being monopolized by her behavior.


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## Uptown

:iagree:Kathy, it took me a while to get there, but I reached the same conclusion in my last post above, where I said: I nonetheless have never encountered a BPDer who has no such fear and is not distrustful. I therefore am skeptical your W has a strong pattern of such traits.​


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## KathyBatesel

Uptown said:


> :iagree:Kathy, I reached the same conclusion in my last post above, where I said:
> I nonetheless have never encountered a BPDer who has no such fear and is not distrustful. I therefore am skeptical your W has a strong pattern of such traits.​


I saw that, and I was glad to read it because I was feeling at odds with the idea and your statement validated my perception. Thanks!


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## lilwifey

there is always two sides to things in life


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## MuleM

MidwestDave said:


> I often read the advice about "just get some courage and walk away from it, be a man". Ignore that. Real men don't give up when things get rough especially when a child is involved. Whether we like it or not, suffering is a part of life, and a relationship always brings some suffering, even a good one. Wisdom is knowing when the damage becomes so great that by staying you end up harming the ones you are trying to care for - only you can know when it is time to move on.


If he wants it to change, he's going to have to stand up to her one way or another. Walking away from her mid-sentence when she's insulting him is one way to get her to think about what she's saying.

The fact that someone on here called his wife a b---- and he said he understood.. that illustrates the problem. At the moment he isn't standing up for himself, his wife, or the marriage. 

In any case, he does not need to abandon his child, nor try to take him or her away from his wife, either, even if he didn't want to remain married. His wife may have an attitude problem, but yes people can and do change. It's no reason to assume she'll be an unfit mother. Does she act like this around everyone, or just her husband? He did say she was not always like this.


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