# Please help me



## pinkjacob

I'll try to keep as short as possible whilst still trying to give all details.
Me and husband together 8 years, married 5 two small children
He left me 3 months ago after he cheated (once) said I deserved better etc. turns out he cheated with our neighbour who is twice his age and deaf and had been working on him for months, telling him how unhappy he was and that he should leave me etc. he started seeing her, and it lasted two weeks, during this time we fought all the time, she told him to choose her or mine and his 'friendship' he chose me and left her, since then he has been very friendly to me contacting me all the time, turning up to see me, asking me to do things together. The OW was crazy, which has resulted in her now been arrested for breaking the harassment order we had out in place.
I decided a few weeks back that I couldn't cope been friends with him because I still loved him, so I told him this. He was upset, and even when I explained to him that very few women would accept our friendship and it might stand in the way of any future relationship for both of us, he said he didn't care, he would never choose anyone else over me, I asked why he was willing to risk happiness just to be my friend but he wouldn't answer me. Eventually we became friends again, and he always compliments me on how I've changed, and the weight I've lost, new clothes etc

He asks my advice, I am the first one he calls about everything, he calls here every night and buys me dinner after he finishes work even though he is absolutely shattered, he has taken me to his new place of work and introduced me to everyone. He hasn't spoken to any of his other friends in over three weeks, it's only me he speaks to and sees. He worries about me and is always asking if I'm ok and hugs me or we sit very close together. He talks about us doing things together, and we have discussed things that went wrong in our relationship. I am positive he still loves me, but is worried that things wouldn't change if we got back together ( he has told me this) he also said that when he was angry he said things that he didn't mean and he was very sorry for what he did. He has asked me to move on (about a month ago) but I told him I couldn't while he was still in my life so much, but he hasn't backed off, he wants to spend time with me everyday, and calls me when he has a break at work just to talk to me. 
He is so nice to me, brings me little gifts etc.
It is exactly as if we are still together only without the sexual side of things, or him living here. Although he does stay on the sofa some nights.

Other people that have seen us together also comment on the fact that it is as if we are still together too. So I am sure it's not just me reading into things, even his dad and stepmum have commented too. I would have thought he would back off after I told him I still loved him, as he had already said (when we first split) that he didn't want to lead me on if he had no mutual feelings. Could it be that he does want to come back, but feels his pride is at stake, or that things would end again? He obviously misses me or he wouldn't be here every damn day right?
Please help I'm going mad!
Thank you


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## This is me

Sounds like you answered your own question. I would say you are either moving towards reconciling the relationship or not. What you write about would say towards.

I think you both need to be on the same page, so bounderies need to be set or the madness will continue.

Is MC an option? Whats best for the kids should also be considered.

IMHO. Best wishes.


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## pinkjacob

This is me said:


> Sounds like you answered your own question. I would say you are either moving towards reconciling the relationship or not. What you write about would say towards.
> 
> I think you both need to be on the same page, so bounderies need to be set or the madness will continue.
> 
> Is MC an option? Whats best for the kids should also be considered.
> 
> IMHO. Best wishes.


Thank you for your reply, we have tried MC before but my husband doesn't like talking about his childhood ( he comes from a very abusive one) and the C always gets back to that.
I do think the kids would def benefit from having both parents at home together as long as we were able to work on our issues and make it s happy environment, which it was most of the time, I have honestly improved myself, the whole thing has put so much into perspective and I have a totally different outlook on what is actually important and what isn't worth my worrying and angst. He has noticed this.
About two weeks ago the OW started up again, before her arrest, and I said to him that If we were getting back together she was still actively trying to ruin it, he agreed and was really sad about it, but then said, it's nothing to do with her what happens between us.
Know I have to be patient but it's so hard!
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## TBT

pinkjacob;1252780r said:


> he said he didn't care, he would never choose anyone else over me


In a way he already proved this untrue once.It's only been 3 months so I'd be careful if you're considering R.He did make a choice here,so I hope you get it all out in the open,deal with it properly and set some boundaries with some real consequences.From an outsider looking in,all it seems like is that he left you for a bit,the main part of the storm has blown over and now he's back again.Anyway,whatever your choice I do wish you well.


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## Dewayne76

Yes, I agree. You're gonna have to sit down and talk to him and find out what HE WANTS! 

Tell him flat out, "Look, this has GOT TO STOP if you don't want to be with me. Do you want to work on us or not?"

You know your better half better than we do, find your best words for your situation and get the ball rolling. This will continue as long as you let it. TAKE THE LEAD! 

He may want to take it slow, which I would agree needs to happen. This isn't something you just "jump back into bed" with. You have to take your time, talk about things, put in some heavy lifting on this thing and see waht can work out. 

Good luck and be happy.


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## pinkjacob

TBT said:


> In a way he already proved this untrue once.It's only been 3 months so I'd be careful if you're considering R.He did make a choice here,so I hope you get it all out in the open,deal with it properly and set some boundaries with some real consequences.From an outsider looking in,all it seems like is that he left you for a bit,the main part of the storm has blown over and now he's back again.Anyway,whatever your choice I do wish you well.


Sorry, what I meant was, he said if he ever met anyone else and they had a problem with us been 'friends' he would get rid of them so as to save our 'friendship'. this whole thing only came about about a month ago after he had apologised for everything and regret of what he had done hit him. He is still very protective of me especially regarding the OW, he doesn't contact any of his other friends at all, only me, which is exactly how it was when we were together, he never felt he needed anyone other than me at all, and he has gone grime seeing them everyday,when we first split, to only seeing them when he takes me with him. Even his friends tell him to stop been a d**k and come home. And some have fallen out with him over what he did.
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## pinkjacob

Dewayne76 said:


> Yes, I agree. You're gonna have to sit down and talk to him and find out what HE WANTS!
> 
> Tell him flat out, "Look, this has GOT TO STOP if you don't want to be with me. Do you want to work on us or not?"
> 
> You know your better half better than we do, find your best words for your situation and get the ball rolling. This will continue as long as you let it. TAKE THE LEAD!
> 
> He may want to take it slow, which I would agree needs to happen. This isn't something you just "jump back into bed" with. You have to take your time, talk about things, put in some heavy lifting on this thing and see waht can work out.
> 
> Good luck and be happy.


Yes I agree things have to go VERY slowly! I don't think he could just move back in if we do reconcile, we need to get to know each other again and make sure it could work before we even thought about living together again, there is no way either of us would risk confusing the kids or getting their hopes up if we realise it isn't going to work. I love him, insure he loves me still, if he didn't, he wouldn't want to be around me or treat me like the most important person in his life.
It will be a long slow difficult process, but maybe the seperation really will have been the best thing and made us both realise what we did wrong first time round and make us appreciate each other more, it certainly seems that way already, I don't mean to sound nasty but he really doesn't have the intellectual ability to deliberately lead me on or be cruel, he is more physically minded than thought minded if that makes sense? 

He isn't deliberately cruel, yeah he's done some crappy things but he acted in haste as usual, that however is his issue not mine!
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## TBT

pinkjacob said:


> He isn't deliberately cruel, yeah he's done some crappy things but he acted in haste as usual, that however is his issue not mine!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


But when his hasty decisions affect you negatively they become your issues.He should be learning how to curtail that mindset.Whether its from something like ADD or FOO issues he can get help.If not,who's to say a similar situation won't play out in the future?


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## pinkjacob

TBT said:


> But when his hasty decisions affect you negatively they become your issues.He should be learning how to curtail that mindset.Whether its from something like ADD or FOO issues he can get help.If not,who's to say a similar situation won't play out in the future?


I hear what your saying, but in all honesty I do think the way I react to him makes him lash out, I am a much calmer person now and actually think before I speak, he seems to do this too now as well, I genuinely believe he still loves me, but he needs to realise that things could be different if he came back, the old relationship is dead, I agree with him on that, we would need to start a whole new one and leave the past behind, I have good days and bad, where I think I am seeing things that maybe aren't there, but he does seem to be giving the impression that he isn't fully decided that he doesn't want me, I don't know if he is worried that things would just go the same way again or if the OW would cause so much trouble if he came back, which is really sad for us.
Does it sound (from what I've written) that he isn't totally done with 'us' but isn't sure what to do? It isn't only me that thinks this so I'm sure it's not all in my mind, but impartial advice can be helpful, my family do not understand why I want him back, but I love him and I don't want to be told to just move on because I'm not ready to, not when there is a chance
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## pinkjacob

Ok so today I wasn't very well, I text him this morning asking if he could pick me something up from the shop on his way to work, he asked if I was ok and said he would try to bring what I'd asked him to but he was running late for work, I replied saying its ok don't worry about it, to which he replied 'no ill definately try,' he did bring it then went to work. He rang this afternoon while I was out so I text him asking if he was ok cos he'd rung, he replied saying yes he was fine just checking how me and kids were, I replied saying 'we were all fine thank u' he just came back with ' good, got to get back to work now cya later' I didn't respond. Half hour later he rings cos he's on a break, again asking how I am? (Hadn't we established I was fine half an hour previously??) I don't get it, why does he even care? I'm so confused
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## TBT

I could speculate from what you've written that he isn't really done with your relationship,but in what regard and with what motivation I'm not sure.If this were a new man in your life and he was doing all your H is doing what do you think his intent would be? He does have an intent,so why don't you be very clear and have him spell it out? You said you've basically drawn a line in the sand that if you can't have a loving relationship him you would rather not have him as a friend....that's up to you to enforce,otherwise you just send mixed messages.


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## pinkjacob

TBT said:


> I could speculate from what you've written that he isn't really done with your relationship,but in what regard and with what motivation I'm not sure.If this were a new man in your life and he was doing all your H is doing what do you think his intent would be? He does have an intent,so why don't you be very clear and have him spell it out? You said you've basically drawn a line in the sand that if you can't have a loving relationship him you would rather not have him as a friend....that's up to you to enforce,otherwise you just send mixed messages.


Hmm I see what your saying, personally if it were a new man doing this, I would think he was interested in a relationship with me, that's my personal opinion, maybe I'm not too good at reading men lol! You are right I told him I loved him etc and I would have thought he would have backed off from me so as not to give the wrong impression to me, but he hasn't at all. This weds is his day off and he's having the kids during the day but wants to spend the evening with me, this is his first day off in over three weeks, so he could easily have seen his other friends, but he says he only wants to see them if I go too??
Hmmm
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## TBT

Communication is key and as the wronged spouse you should be controlling the situation more or you may set yourself up for more heartache.What are your expectations...your bottom line...your boundaries? Seems to me you're in the once burnt,twice shy mindset and rightfully so.The fact that he basically ignores that you have told him that you couldn't be in a friend relationship with him,and then you never back that up sends the message you're not firm in your resolve and that he is in control imo.


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## pinkjacob

I just don't know what to do.
My mum rang me this morning mainly to tell me that my husband is never coming back and I need to get over it, I asked her how she knew this, to which she replied 'he told you himself' I admitted that yes he had said this in October after I had told him I wanted him back, well infact he said I needed to move on, I explained to him I couldn't move on if he remained so much in my life, but even though he knows that, he is still trying to remain in it, what my mum said really hurt me because I don't want to move on, I don't feel he really does either, she says he is just using me and he doesn't give a damn about me. I know she hates him so her opinion is understandable, but I love him and I want him back, but I'm so confused, if he didn't care at all he wouldn't want to be around me, I have said to him that If I was just a bad person that he left, why does he want to be my friend, but he won't answer me. He just says, because. What do I do, it's only been 3 months but it feels like a lifetime. He has already rung me 3 times today, over a 3 hour period. 
Do I continue as I am, or cut contact, I have tried LC before, but I just think it would piss him off and he would just think, well sod her then. What can I say to him, what can I do, if he wants to take things slowly and I suddenly say or do something wrong, surely that will push him away. I don't want to play games, I just want him back.
Does anybody think we have any chance of R at all? Or am I been stupid? Please please help me, I just don't know what to do


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## jmb123

pinkjacob said:


> I just don't know what to do.
> My mum rang me this morning mainly to tell me that my husband is never coming back and I need to get over it, I asked her how she knew this, to which she replied 'he told you himself' I admitted that yes he had said this in October after I had told him I wanted him back, well infact he said I needed to move on, I explained to him I couldn't move on if he remained so much in my life, but even though he knows that, he is still trying to remain in it, what my mum said really hurt me because I don't want to move on, I don't feel he really does either, she says he is just using me and he doesn't give a damn about me. I know she hates him so her opinion is understandable, but I love him and I want him back, but I'm so confused, if he didn't care at all he wouldn't want to be around me, I have said to him that If I was just a bad person that he left, why does he want to be my friend, but he won't answer me. He just says, because. What do I do, it's only been 3 months but it feels like a lifetime. He has already rung me 3 times today, over a 3 hour period.
> Do I continue as I am, or cut contact, I have tried LC before, but I just think it would piss him off and he would just think, well sod her then. What can I say to him, what can I do, if he wants to take things slowly and I suddenly say or do something wrong, surely that will push him away. I don't want to play games, I just want him back.
> Does anybody think we have any chance of R at all? Or am I been stupid? Please please help me, I just don't know what to do


Hello Pink,
Hope your are doing very well today!
I feel this and wanted to ask you:
Howcome he decides how your life is to be-He cheats,abandons his family for a crack woman(this implies he is not healthy emotionally)-then he sees to his mistake,leaves her-comes to you with this 'Friend-friend' drama(not letting you move on in the process)-the OW still has the audacity to poke her nose again(to which your H tells that this has got nothing to do in between you people-in my opinion he should ahve kicked her if he wanted)-He does not commit to R-And you still want this to work.
Why are you settling for a cheat who is playing the friend -friend drama and would not re-commit to R even when children are involved.Have you considered that you have grown unhealthy to attract and want that unhealthy man again in life.What about your self-worth and dignity.he cannot use you like this.

See even if a reconciliation is to take place,it should be with confidence and not walking on egg-shells or wishfulthinking;Please work on healing yourself;Ask him to backoff,till you know that you are not settling for a cheat ;If he is sincere ,he shall wait and do everythung to get you back;else mobve on;

Your mom loves you,what benefit does she get my hating that H of yours;she ould have been happy if ypu had a loving spouse,I am sure she sees how he is hampering in your progressing ahead.

Please move on;Set your rules just for you and take cntrol of your llife;

All the rosy,rosy thing he is showing you(calling you etcbringing stuff etc) ,he is trying to cool off what he did;Cheating is not acceptable in any manner;what respect did he have for you and the kids when he went sleeping with the OW;And please do not try to put the blame on the OW-she would not have dare approach your husband if he was of sound moral characters;And it is not like it was a one night stand thing,a mistake,it was a full blown affair;he is not a good man in my opinion;and is using you.For what do you love him;what has he got for you to love him anymore after he cheated on you.
I have much to say proivided you do a little self-introspection and see things for real with a clear head;


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## pinkjacob

jmb123 said:


> Hello Pink,
> Hope your are doing very well today!
> I feel this and wanted to ask you:
> Howcome he decides how your life is to be-He cheats,abandons his family for a crack woman(this implies he is not healthy emotionally)-then he sees to his mistake,leaves her-comes to you with this 'Friend-friend' drama(not letting you move on in the process)-the OW still has the audacity to poke her nose again(to which your H tells that this has got nothing to do in between you people-in my opinion he should ahve kicked her if he wanted)-He does not commit to R-And you still want this to work.
> Why are you settling for a cheat who is playing the friend -friend drama and would not re-commit to R even when children are involved.Have you considered that you have grown unhealthy to attract and want that unhealthy man again in life.What about your self-worth and dignity.he cannot use you like this.
> 
> See even if a reconciliation is to take place,it should be with confidence and not walking on egg-shells or wishfulthinking;Please work on healing yourself;Ask him to backoff,till you know that you are not settling for a cheat ;If he is sincere ,he shall wait and do everythung to get you back;else mobve on;
> 
> Your mom loves you,what benefit does she get my hating that H of yours;she ould have been happy if ypu had a loving spouse,I am sure she sees how he is hampering in your progressing ahead.
> 
> Please move on;Set your rules just for you and take cntrol of your llife;
> 
> All the rosy,rosy thing he is showing you(calling you etcbringing stuff etc) ,he is trying to cool off what he did;Cheating is not acceptable in any manner;what respect did he have for you and the kids when he went sleeping with the OW;And please do not try to put the blame on the OW-she would not have dare approach your husband if he was of sound moral characters;And it is not like it was a one night stand thing,a mistake,it was a full blown affair;he is not a good man in my opinion;and is using you.For what do you love him;what has he got for you to love him anymore after he cheated on you.
> I have much to say proivided you do a little self-introspection and see things for real with a clear head;


Hi thank you for your reply, you are right I do believe it started as a EA and then became PA after time, they were only PA once whilst we were still together, but yes it started again after we split. 
The OW is literally crazy, I can't even begin to explain the things she has done and said since they got together then split 2 weeks later, hence her impending arrest! So I do place blame on her, she has literally shown herself to be the most manipulative person I have ever known, she still continues to turn my husband against me, but he is having none of it. 
I don't think he currently will agree to R because of many differing factors including her been so close to where I live, he has struggled since we split (I don't feel sorry for him btw lol) he has lost 4 stone (as have I!) due to him not been able to eat and continually been sick through the stress of it all, he now suffers with gastritis as a result. 
I don't know why he is doing the friend thing, maybe I am stupid for been hopeful, but a lot of relationships start from friendships, the connection is already there in this situation, the memories, life we built etc, surely him wanting to spend more time with me is a positive? He seems to have dropped his friends, doesn't contact them see them at all, this is how it was when we were together, he felt that he didn't need friends because he had me, I tried to encourage him to retain other friendships but he just wanted to be with me and it still seems that way. He has every opportunity to meet someone where he works, there are about 35 waitresses in his age group, but he doesn't seemto have made any attempt to start anything. He finishes work comes to see me goes home day in day out. 

He is a very prideful person, who hates to admit he is wrong, or has made a mistake, he says I deserve better than him, and he gets upset when he says this, he has started saying he misses things but won't really elaborate (yes, sex is probably one of the things lol but not everything) 
I don't know why I want him back, I love him we had a good life (most of the time lol) and were really doing ok, until (and I know this part is actually true) the OW wouldn't leave him alone, it ate at him everyday, until he couldn't live with it and had to tell me, I have seen the texts she sent him about me, a very clever and underhand woman, I can tell you, she played a damn good game with humans unfortunately he joined in for a time.
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## pinkjacob

With him, not humans!! Sorry
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## jmb123

I hope other members would respond to you as well.
You really seem to feel that he is so naive as to get manipulated f=by any outsider and simply end his family;

He might be using you till the time he finds another;
See I am not trying to put things in your head;But he is not a baby to get affected by any person otside;Why did he let an outside influence come into your marraige;He did it willingly;he did not care for you.

And now he controls you;

And so what if the lady is there in the vicinity;how does it stop him from R;Why is she still in the picture?

And to be frank,why do you want this man who treats you like a piece of crap,he is still in touch with the OW; And why are you so needy to want this person in your life;

I really feel you think you are not good enough else howcome you would let someone treat you so badly;Just kick him out;He wants you and the family,let him try;
DO not pity him;You are fooling yourself;
And I a sure if he sincerely wants you,he shall come to you with sincerity and not play the drama he is doing now;
Perhaps he is on a ego-trip-wife wants me and the OW wants me too.
Let the OW have him really if he cannot stand for his family;

Today it is this woman,tomorrow it might be another;This will drain you f your sanity and well being;Grow healthy first and then you will make healthy and tight choices;


And you seem to take the PA and all that very lightly;
How old are you?
I can see that you are very much liking the recent attention you seem to get.But how long is that to last .Its not real in my opinion.


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## pinkjacob

jmb123 said:


> I hope other members would respond to you as well.
> You really seem to feel that he is so naive as to get manipulated f=by any outsider and simply end his family;
> 
> He might be using you till the time he finds another;
> See I am not trying to put things in your head;But he is not a baby to get affected by any person otside;Why did he let an outside influence come into your marraige;He did it willingly;he did not care for you.
> 
> And now he controls you;
> 
> And so what if the lady is there in the vicinity;how does it stop him from R;Why is she still in the picture?
> 
> And to be frank,why do you want this man who treats you like a piece of crap,he is still in touch with the OW; And why are you so needy to want this person in your life;
> 
> I really feel you think you are not good enough else howcome you would let someone treat you so badly;Just kick him out;He wants you and the family,let him try;
> DO not pity him;You are fooling yourself;
> And I a sure if he sincerely wants you,he shall come to you with sincerity and not play the drama he is doing now;
> Perhaps he is on a ego-trip-wife wants me and the OW wants me too.
> Let the OW have him really if he cannot stand for his family;
> 
> Today it is this woman,tomorrow it might be another;This will drain you f your sanity and well being;Grow healthy first and then you will make healthy and tight choices;
> 
> 
> And you seem to take the PA and all that very lightly;
> How old are you?
> I can see that you are very much liking the recent attention you seem to get.But how long is that to last .Its not real in my opinion.




He is not in any contact with the OW at all, she however lives next door but one to me which is the issue, whenever he calls here she comes out of her house to harass him, the police are now using the new stalking laws against her thank fully.
I am 31, I do not take the PA lightly, but if we are to ever move forwards it must be forgiven, not forgotten perhaps but forgiven.

I don't think he went looking for a PA but it happened, and I know he played his part in that.
I do appreciate your replies, thank you for taking the time to respond, I can't explain why I want him back, other than we have been through so so much (too much to go into lol) but always got through it together, maybe we had kids too early I don't know, that can't be changed, our lives were put on hold for a while to raise them which is perfectly normal I suppose but we were only just starting to get back to us having time together, it's sad if it all has to end, maybe I am wrong for fighting for it, and yes you are right he is in control I guess, that's something I need to address, 

Thank you again
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## jmb123

I am sorry ,if I did sound rude or demoralizing.My intentions are far from it.
May be I am so skepticle is because I saw a false R;I met my EX when I was 18,married for 9 years-no kids;Long separation and then reconciled only to get divorced now at the age of 29;It has been very painful for me;I had not learnt from the way he treated me earlier and blindly went back to him;And he treated me like piece of ****.
I have faced much humiliation and had done a lot of pleading and I hate myself for that;Just wish if I had esteem enough to leave him outright.
I just wish if you reconcile ,it should be a true one and you guys have a healthy and true relationship;if this is not the case better not be with him.I just wish yousee things clearly;
Wishing you the best in life.


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## pinkjacob

jmb123 said:


> I am sorry ,if I did sound rude or demoralizing.My intentions are far from it.
> May be I am so skepticle is because I saw a false R;I met my EX when I was 18,married for 9 years-no kids;Long separation and then reconciled only to get divorced now at the age of 29;It has been very painful for me;I had not learnt from the way he treated me earlier and blindly went back to him;And he treated me like piece of ****.
> I have faced much humiliation and had done a lot of pleading and I hate myself for that;Just wish if I had esteem enough to leave him outright.
> I just wish if you reconcile ,it should be a true one and you guys have a healthy and true relationship;if this is not the case better not be with him.I just wish yousee things clearly;
> Wishing you the best in life.


I really do appreciate your comments, when you are directly involved in a situation it can get a bit foggy as to what's going on, so outside help can be useful. I have listened to what you have said, I really have and I am sure I will know when enough is enough, I actually hope one day I will wake up and just be done with it but for now that doesn't feel right to me if that makes sense?
I don't want to be blindsided or hurt any more, but something inside is not ready to give up just yet. I don't want to come across as naive at all, it's just an instinct I guess.
Thank you again
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