# How do I stand back up?



## slam.sidd (Nov 7, 2021)

I have to share and my message is long, so please bear with me.

The year was 2002, I was like 18, single, happy, and enjoying my life. My family decided (joint family system) that I needed to be engaged. So I was asked and I said yes. They had a girl in mind, she was 15. We were engaged for 7 years when I had a car accident which shattered my life. I lost my looks, an eye, and got like 5 different surgeries within a year. I was still on bed when she tells me that she wants us to be married. I was reluctant but gave in and we got married. A couple years later we were blessed with a beautiful son. She said she didn't want anymore kids and that was that.

I found a job and we were getting by. Something changed. She started to fight with me and leave home to go back to stay with her family for days, weeks, and sometimes even months. I trusted her so much to see all that in a different light. I thought about it and decided that she was just spoiled which is a very common thing where I am from. 10 years went by, I suspected things but I never checked, even though I was hurting because I was too afraid. I was dragging the marriage somehow.

In July 2020, she was at her parents for last two months as usual and called me to come pick her up. I went and immediately felt that the woman in front of me wasn't my wife. The next day, I found her texting, I went up to her and asked her to hand me her phone. She refused. I snatched it away from her and then gave her a chance to come clean before I check the phone. She didn't want to check the phone so she she confessed that she has been talking to some other married guy. She even confessed that she has slept with him once as well. At that time, it was all that I needed to hear. We had a huge fight for like 2 to 3 days. I kept it all to myself. And for the sake of my love for her and my son's happiness. We decided to stay together provided that she stops all that. We stayed in the same home for 3 months during which I found out that there was more to the story. The lying and deceiving never stops. She admitted that she knew that guy since before marriage and has been in contact with him. That is when I found out why she was always cold and distant. She left us in October last year and we have been on our own since then. From what I hear, she is happy.

On the other hand, I was fired from my job because I couldn't focus. I am talented and can do many things but all I do is think about her. I am fed up with this. I don't want to hurt on her account. My son misses her but refuses to go see her. He will be 11 in 2022. I have stopped all contact with her. I have cried my heart out. I have prayed, meditated, and have been taking depression and anxiety meds. Nothing seems to work. It's been a year, I want to move on but I can't. I am stuck and suffering. Even the smile on my son's face and his needs don't make me feel even the least bit motivated to stand back up and power through. We don't have many psychologists in my country cause you know men don't need to cry, vent, and all that B.S. Last 19 years of my life keep haunting me. Is there any hope for me? How do I move forward?


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

I'm sorry you're going through this. 

There are some online programs for things like CBT, DBT, and mindfulness, which may help. Maybe do a search to see if you can find anything like that online. You may also be able to find a therapist online or who will do virtual visits. 

For the meds, you may need to try different meds and different combinations of meds (if you haven't already). 

Other things that help are staying active, eating well, finding new hobbies, meeting new people, etc.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

The one and only thing that kept me going after the very traumatic ending of my marriage was my children. I was all they had.
You are all your child has so please do all you can to get help, counselling, medication, family and friends support etc..
Eat healthily, take exercise, get out and about.

Time will help as well.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

slam.sidd said:


> I have to share and my message is long, so please bear with me.
> The year was 2002, I was like 18, single, happy, and enjoying my life. My family decided (joint family system) that I needed to be engaged. So I was asked and I said yes. They had a girl in mind, she was 15. We were engaged for 7 years when I had a car accident which shattered my life. I lost my looks, an eye, and got like 5 different surgeries within a year. I was still on bed when she tells me that she wants us to be married. I was reluctant but gave in and we got married. A couple years later we were blessed with a beautiful son. She said she didn't want anymore kids and that was that.
> I found a job and we were getting by. Something changed. She started to fight with me and leave home to go back to stay with her family for days, weeks, and sometimes even months. I trusted her so much to see all that in a different light. I thought about it and decided that she was just spoiled which is a very common thing where I am from. 10 years went by, I suspected things but I never checked, even though I was hurting because I was too afraid. I was dragging the marriage somehow.
> In July 2020, she was at her parents for last two months as usual and called me to come pick her up. I went and immediately felt that the woman in front of me wasn't my wife. The next day, I found her texting, I went up to her and asked her to hand me her phone. She refused. I snatched it away from her and then gave her a chance to come clean before I check the phone. She didn't want to check the phone so she she confessed that she has been talking to some other married guy. She even confessed that she has slept with him once as well. At that time, it was all that I needed to hear. We had a huge fight for like 2 to 3 days. I kept it all to myself. And for the sake of my love for her and my son's happiness. We decided to stay together provided that she stops all that. We stayed in the same home for 3 months during which I found out that there was more to the story. The lying and deceiving never stops. She admitted that she knew that guy since before marriage and has been in contact with him. That is when I found out why she was always cold and distant. She left us in October last year and we have been on our own since then. From what I hear, she is happy.
> On the other hand, I was fired from my job because I couldn't focus. I am talented and can do many things but all I do is think about her. I am fed up with this. I don't want to hurt on her account. My son misses her but refuses to go see her. He will be 11 in 2022. I have stopped all contact with her. I have cried my heart out. I have prayed, meditated, and have been taking depression and anxiety meds. Nothing seems to work. It's been a year, I want to move on but I can't. I am stuck and suffering. Even the smile on my son's face and his needs don't make me feel even the least bit motivated to stand back up and power through. We don't have many psychologists in my country cause you know men don't need to cry, vent, and all that B.S. Last 19 years of my life keep haunting me. Is there any hope for me? How do I move forward?


I will tell you how to stand. You just do, until you are strong enough to stand up.
It's called role playing. You play the role of a strong man until he becomes you.
The more you play the strong man, the more you will become the strong man.

A woman who starts, out of the blue, making your life unpleasant is usually trying to get rid of you.
The major reason for getting rid of you is because she has given her heart to somebody else and she thinks she is committing an affair by having sex with you because you are now the stranger to her.
However, as somebody pointed out, your wife may have never felt fully embraced by you despite her willingness to marry you in light of your injury.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I'm sorry. It sounds to me like you were never all in and she had to have felt that.

I don't get the feeling you ever appreciated that even after your accident, when a lot of women would haved bailed, she still loved you and wanted to marry you.

It was ****ty of her to have an affair, but I'm not surprised she ended up leaving.

So for now, as others have said pursue your own interests, focus on your kids, and take care of yourself. In the future do not settle for someone you're not excited about.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

True enough. That is true.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

When did she say she started sleeping with him? And does his wife know?


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## starrider (Jul 21, 2020)

The best way for myself when I went through my husband leaving was living well. I would always advise my children to love their other parent. It should be between the adults and not for the the children to handle. This will be better for you because your childs happiness will improve both your lives.
Look at it this way, suppose your wife left this world. As a parent, you'd be strong and mourn your loss and keep living. Thankfully she hasn't but in a way, the grief can be as painful as a loss of life. I hope you can pick yourself up by whatever means and start anew because you sound as though you are still quite young. You'll most likely find a new partner that you are better suited to share your life with in time if you get healthier.


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## Sufi22 (Nov 30, 2020)

I'm sorry you are in this mess. It's a terrible time for you. But given what you've shared you need to help yourself and let the relationship go. The main thing now is getting your life back together so you can focus on your son and being strong for him. Why did she abandon her (your) child? Why is he so angry at her that he refuses to see her? I hope you're not attacking her. He will need to have a relationship with his mother at some point, hopefully soon. At the same time; remember that if you need internal support ask yourself what kind of person leaves their 10 year old like that?


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## slam.sidd (Nov 7, 2021)

Sufi22 said:


> I'm sorry you are in this mess. It's a terrible time for you. But given what you've shared you need to help yourself and let the relationship go. The main thing now is getting your life back together so you can focus on your son and being strong for him. Why did she abandon her (your) child? Why is he so angry at her that he refuses to see her? I hope you're not attacking her. He will need to have a relationship with his mother at some point, hopefully soon. At the same time; remember that if you need internal support ask yourself what kind of person leaves their 10 year old like that?


Thank you for your comment. About the kid, he was always attached to me more than her. He saw that she was always the one to initiate a fight. And I always tried to calm her down. Talked to her in soft voice even when she was throwing a tantrum. He knew that she gets what she asks for. She made the kid live without her for shorter periods of time in the beginning like few days. Then it turned into weeks, and then into months. Even when he was very young she never woke up to give him the bottle.
When she left the last time, I tried to stop her even though I knew it was in vain. You know, if me swallowing my pride can keep the kid and mother together then so be it. She had no intention of stopping. I asked her if she goes this time, I will have to tell people that the marriage is over. She said, "go ahead". So I told people that the marriage is over. I didn't tell them the truth, just that she doesn't want to live with us anymore and most of the people already know that she frequently visits her home and is rarely here with us. 
A couple months ago, she called me and said that she was sorry, and wants to return. And that she has ended the affair. I didn't believe her and just said let's stay in touch for few days and see how it goes. I went to see her with my kid, we spent a day together. Remained in touch for like two weeks or so. Toward the end found out that she was lying about ending the affair for the 5th time. She cried and said that she is serious this time but I told her that I don't see any way for us to live together because there is no end to her deception and cruelty.


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## slam.sidd (Nov 7, 2021)

manfromlamancha said:


> When did she say she started sleeping with him? And does his wife know?


She told me that she has slept with him once in 2020. I later found out (after checking her data) that she was lying. She then said that it was twice. But those are the only two times which she couldn't deny. Plus, she has this philosophy that what I don't find out about is fine. So, you see there is no way for me to find out when it started. But I feel very strongly that it started before my accident, before marriage because that is when the other man got married. They must have met before his marriage. You know taboo love going away for marriage asks for one last night together or something. Why, because that is what she told his wife when she called my ex and requested her to leave them alone (via text messages).


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

slam.sidd said:


> She told me that she has slept with him once in 2020. I later found out (after checking her data) that she was lying. She then said that it was twice. But those are the only two times which she couldn't deny. Plus, she has this philosophy that what I don't find out about is fine. So, you see there is no way for me to find out when it started. But I feel very strongly that it started before my accident, before marriage because that is when the other man got married. They must have met before his marriage. You know taboo love going away for marriage asks for one last night together or something. Why, because that is what she told his wife when she called my ex and requested her to leave them alone (via text messages).


Cheaters only admit to what you can prove, at the lowest level. If all you can prove is a kiss, that is all they will admit to.
Probably the best advice is to arrange for a lie detector test, telling her that she has to come clean before the lie detector test in order to save the marriage.
If she chooses to come clean, she has to write a time line from the beginning as to how it all happened and when and where.
That's if you and her want to save the marriage.


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## slam.sidd (Nov 7, 2021)

lifeistooshort said:


> I'm sorry. It sounds to me like you were never all in and she had to have felt that.
> 
> I don't get the feeling you ever appreciated that even after your accident, when a lot of women would haved bailed, she still loved you and wanted to marry you.
> 
> ...


I respectfully disagree. I loved her very much, and I still do (a heart wants what a heart wants). I never disrespected her in front of anyone or when we were alone. The only problem I had was her language (curses, abuses, mean things about my siblings and parents. Even when I knew that she has a temper, I treasured her. I was reluctant to get married because I wasn't sure about my own future after the accident and didn't want her to suffer with me or do what she eventually did. She said that she wants to take care of me and that we won't have any financial problems because of some land that my and her family owns.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

slam.sidd said:


> She told me that she has slept with him once in 2020. I later found out (after checking her data) that she was lying. She then said that it was twice. But those are the only two times which she couldn't deny. Plus, she has this philosophy that what I don't find out about is fine. So, you see there is no way for me to find out when it started. But I feel very strongly that it started before my accident, before marriage because that is when the other man got married. They must have met before his marriage. You know taboo love going away for marriage asks for one last night together or something. Why, because that is what she told his wife when she called my ex and requested her to leave them alone (via text messages).


Thanks for the clarification. What I am struggling with is that this sort of behaviour is extremely taboo and not tolerated in the slightest in your country. How is she managing to get away with this and more importantly, I am amazed at how you are handling this. Help me understand what is different here?


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## slam.sidd (Nov 7, 2021)

jonty30 said:


> Cheaters only admit to what you can prove, at the lowest level. If all you can prove is a kiss, that is all they will admit to.
> Probably the best advice is to arrange for a lie detector test, telling her that she has to come clean before the lie detector test in order to save the marriage.
> If she chooses to come clean, she has to write a time line from the beginning as to how it all happened and when and where.
> That's if you and her want to save the marriage.


I think we are past that. Even if I force her to a polygraph, I will find out the truth but that is not going to make her sincere with me and my son. Hence, the cry for help. I know we don't have a future together but loving someone for 15 years and then finding out that all of it was false and pretend. It darn breaks your heart.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

slam.sidd said:


> I think we are past that. Even if I force her to a polygraph, I will find out the truth but that is not going to make her sincere with me and my son. Hence, the cry for help. I know we don't have a future together but loving someone for 15 years and then finding out that all of it was false and pretend. It darn breaks your heart.


I don't know the laws of your country and you're right to divorce when you have children. 

I totally get that about your heart.


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## slam.sidd (Nov 7, 2021)

manfromlamancha said:


> Thanks for the clarification. What I am struggling with is that this sort of behaviour is extremely taboo and not tolerated in the slightest in your country. How is she managing to get away with this and more importantly, I am amazed at how you are handling this. Help me understand what is different here?


She is managing it with lies. She lied to her parents about everything, tried to make them believe that I had gone crazy suspicious and it was not possible for her to stay with me any longer. Her father called me and asked me to be reasonable. I offered to show him photos of her with the other guy in their family home. He went quiet. I can't discuss it with anyone because that will be welcoming the ridicule, insult, and humiliation. In the beginning, and even now and then, I do think about suicide, murder, public humiliation and such but the saner head prevails because what will that accomplish. My son lost her mother, I lost my love, and my wife. We have to move on without her but we don't know how to. 
Regarding, your question about it being taboo in my country. You are ignoring one very basic fact. When you celebrate, the whole world celebrates with you. When you suffer, you suffer alone. As long as her parents are okay with what she is doing, no one will dare accuse her of anything. During last one decade, divorce rate has sky-rocketed here. There is this saying in my language that an amateur doctor will kill you curing your headache. We as a nation are not ready to have liberty as individuals since we lack the fundamental morals to use that liberty wisely (well, some of us). For example, during our last days together, I told her that she owed me the truth. I have wasted 19 years of my life on you. At least, tell me the truth before you leave me for another man. She said mockingly, "I don't want have to and I don't want to".


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

slam.sidd said:


> She is managing it with lies. She lied to her parents about everything, tried to make them believe that I had gone crazy suspicious and it was not possible for her to stay with me any longer. Her father called me and asked me to be reasonable. I offered to show him photos of her with the other guy in their family home. He went quiet. I can't discuss it with anyone because that will be welcoming the ridicule, insult, and humiliation. In the beginning, and even now and then, I do think about suicide, murder, public humiliation and such but the saner head prevails because what will that accomplish. My son lost her mother, I lost my love, and my wife. We have to move on without her but we don't know how to.
> Regarding, your question about it being taboo in my country. You are ignoring one very basic fact. When you celebrate, the whole world celebrates with you. When you suffer, you suffer alone. As long as her parents are okay with what she is doing, no one will dare accuse her of anything. During last one decade, divorce rate has sky-rocketed here. There is this saying in my language that an amateur doctor will kill you curing your headache. We as a nation are not ready to have liberty as individuals since we lack the fundamental morals to use that liberty wisely (well, some of us). For example, during our last days together, I told her that she owed me the truth. I have wasted 19 years of my life on you. At least, tell me the truth before you leave me for another man. She said mockingly, "I don't want have to and I don't want to".


All you will do is walk from the marriage and figure out child support for the kid. Your wife is the one who will have to deal with the cultural consequences of being an unfaithful wife.
That's revenge unto itself, if I understand the Indian community on this issue.
She likely will never marry again to a man of good standing, so she's up a creek without a paddle right now.
You don't need to be angry about. When a partner has an affair, it stops being marriage. It is now a business arrrangement in how to divide the assets.


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## slam.sidd (Nov 7, 2021)

bobert said:


> I'm sorry you're going through this.
> 
> There are some online programs for things like CBT, DBT, and mindfulness, which may help. Maybe do a search to see if you can find anything like that online. You may also be able to find a therapist online or who will do virtual visits.
> 
> ...


We only have a suicide helpline in our country which is impossible to get through. No psychiatrist to be found anywhere, even in our metropolitan. So we have a pretty lax policy regarding medicines. We get 99% of them OTC without any prescription. So if you can recommend any, I will be grateful. I take Alprazolam 0.5mg which makes me sleepy. I can't drink, I can't smoke pot. I don't have access to any narcotics.


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## slam.sidd (Nov 7, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> The one and only thing that kept me going after the very traumatic ending of my marriage was my children. I was all they had.
> You are all your child has so please do all you can to get help, counselling, medication, family and friends support etc..
> Eat healthily, take exercise, get out and about.
> 
> Time will help as well.


Did you ever learn to trust again?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

slam.sidd said:


> Did you ever learn to trust again?


I think the key is to NEVER blindly trust again.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

slam.sidd said:


> She is managing it with lies. She lied to her parents about everything, tried to make them believe that I had gone crazy suspicious and it was not possible for her to stay with me any longer. Her father called me and asked me to be reasonable. I offered to show him photos of her with the other guy in their family home. He went quiet. I can't discuss it with anyone because that will be welcoming the ridicule, insult, and humiliation. In the beginning, and even now and then, I do think about suicide, murder, public humiliation and such but the saner head prevails because what will that accomplish. My son lost her mother, I lost my love, and my wife. We have to move on without her but we don't know how to.
> Regarding, your question about it being taboo in my country. You are ignoring one very basic fact. When you celebrate, the whole world celebrates with you. When you suffer, you suffer alone. As long as her parents are okay with what she is doing, no one will dare accuse her of anything. During last one decade, divorce rate has sky-rocketed here. There is this saying in my language that an amateur doctor will kill you curing your headache. We as a nation are not ready to have liberty as individuals since we lack the fundamental morals to use that liberty wisely (well, some of us). For example, during our last days together, I told her that she owed me the truth. I have wasted 19 years of my life on you. At least, tell me the truth before you leave me for another man. She said mockingly, "I don't want have to and I don't want to".


Thanks for the explanation. I am familiar with your country. You say you have proof and this silences all the people she lies to about this. She must have a lot of "courage". because if this proof gets out to the more fundamental community, her life is at risk. So she must really feel that she is protected. And if I understand this correctly, you are not exposing the truth to save yourself from ridicule. I would imagine that if you exposed the other man he would get beaten up by the public or even thugs for hire. So he is risking a lot too.

You need to stand up for yourself and be a role model to your son. Your wife is garbage and you know this (I don't believe in "the heart wants what the heart wants"). You are simply avoiding standing up for yourself because either (a) you don't know how; or (b) you are afraid to; or maybe (c) both!

Overcome the fear but prepare for some pretty bad consequences for her. And make sure that she knows what's coming if she continures. And then definitively divorce her. She needs to feel the consequences of what she has done. There was an honourable way to handle it if she did not want to be married to you and a dishonourable (and disrespectful) way and she chose the latter. Make a plan to expose and execute.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

i am not sure we here in the West can comment. we do not have arranged marriages, so two people agree to be married without family forcing them to do it. that implies that a contract was made that says: we love each other and want to be married and stay together.

in your case, since this was arranged, how do you even know if she EVER wanted to get married?

Why didn't your families FORCE HER to stay in the marriage. They made you two get married, they should have actively kept her from cheating on you when she was at her mom's house.

In any event, obviously she is long gone. Divorce her, and never look back.
Work on yourself. and get another job....you do not want to be unemployed longer than the very few months it takes to get this vile creature out of your mind!


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## slam.sidd (Nov 7, 2021)

manfromlamancha said:


> Thanks for the explanation. I am familiar with your country. You say you have proof and this silences all the people she lies to about this. She must have a lot of "courage". because if this proof gets out to the more fundamental community, her life is at risk. So she must really feel that she is protected. And if I understand this correctly, you are not exposing the truth to save yourself from ridicule. I would imagine that if you exposed the other man he would get beaten up by the public or even thugs for hire. So he is risking a lot too.
> 
> You need to stand up for yourself and be a role model to your son. Your wife is garbage and you know this (I don't believe in "the heart wants what the heart wants"). You are simply avoiding standing up for yourself because either (a) you don't know how; or (b) you are afraid to; or maybe (c) both!
> 
> Overcome the fear but prepare for some pretty bad consequences for her. And make sure that she knows what's coming if she continures. And then definitively divorce her. She needs to feel the consequences of what she has done. There was an honourable way to handle it if she did not want to be married to you and a dishonourable (and disrespectful) way and she chose the latter. Make a plan to expose and execute.


She would never even have dared to cheat if this was 30 years ago. Most likely, someone from her own home would have noticed that she were coming back home to often and would have restricted her visits. Secondly, as I mentioned earlier, this is not the same community anymore. Now, if people find out someone (be it may a woman or a man) is behaving indecently, they try to find angles on how to get some. 

To prove fornication here in a court of law requires two eye-witnesses (law amendments during last two decades). And even though the parents know that she is in the wrong here, they can do more than dialogues. If I expose her, that will leave a stigma on my kid's future (so does divorce but it is still the lesser of two evils). And yes, the other man is risking a lot but I don't think getting him beat up will solve anything. She is good-looking and I am pretty sure, he is not the only one. And speaking of honorable, this affair started years before our marriage. It seems as if I am the one who cut in. I told you that a lot of mildly educated people here completely lack the social moral fiber.

Then again, there is truth to what you have said. I don't know if I am afraid or not, or if I handled it correctly, but I do know that I am hurting, my son is hurting, and she is having the time of her life.


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## slam.sidd (Nov 7, 2021)

Talker67 said:


> i am not sure we here in the West can comment. we do not have arranged marriages, so two people agree to be married without family forcing them to do it. that implies that a contract was made that says: we love each other and want to be married and stay together.
> 
> in your case, since this was arranged, how do you even know if she EVER wanted to get married?
> 
> ...


Thank you for the comment. We were engaged for 7 years before marriage, we could meet, call, and have fun, engagement has sort of become a social acceptance for kids from two different families to get to know each other in a safe environment. There were nights we spent talking. Before I confessed to her, I kind of asked her if this is what she wanted (frankly speaking, I didn't have much experience with women, she was only my 2nd romantic attachment). 

I asked her if there was anyone else that she would rather be married to (and I do believe at that time, there wasn't). Then after 4 years and my car accident, when she insisted on marriage, I asked her again because infidelity from my beloved has always been kind of a nightmare for me. She again said no, there isn't anybody (only this time, she lied).

Her mother is the one that calls the shots in their home. I later came to find out that they used to fight a lot over this affair. Most of the time, if she were there and they had a fight, she would call me to come and pick her up. Spend a few days with me, then return and resume. They could have forced her to save/keep her marriage if it were like 20 to 30 years ago because marriage here is a contract between two families and each one is responsible for their own end. I know about at least 4 marriages from previous generation which came to the verge of divorce due to infidelity but were saved by elders. They all have kids my age now, and are living happily. Now, it's becoming less and less effective.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

slam.sidd said:


> Thank you for the comment. We were engaged for 7 years before marriage, we could meet, call, and have fun, engagement has sort of become a social acceptance for kids from two different families to get to know each other in a safe environment. There were nights we spent talking. Before I confessed to her, I kind of asked her if this is what she wanted (frankly speaking, I didn't have much experience with women, she was only my 2nd romantic attachment).
> 
> I asked her if there was anyone else that she would rather be married to (and I do believe at that time, there wasn't). Then after 4 years and my car accident, when she insisted on marriage, I asked her again because infidelity from my beloved has always been kind of a nightmare for me. She again said no, there isn't anybody (only this time, she lied).
> 
> Her mother is the one that calls the shots in their home. I later came to find out that they used to fight a lot over this affair. Most of the time, if she were there and they had a fight, she would call me to come and pick her up. Spend a few days with me, then return and resume. They could have forced her to save/keep her marriage if it were like 20 to 30 years ago because marriage here is a contract between two families and each one is responsible for their own end. I know about at least 4 marriages from previous generation which came to the verge of divorce due to infidelity but were saved by elders. They all have kids my age now, and are living happily. Now, it's becoming less and less effective.


its a little off topic, but if there are TODAY no benefits of the arranged marriage (such as the spouse's family keeping them in line if they want to cheat), then why keep up that tradition.

Sounds like its time to find a spouse the more modern way...i.e. finding them by yourself!


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

slam.sidd said:


> She would never even have dared to cheat if this was 30 years ago. Most likely, someone from her own home would have noticed that she were coming back home to often and would have restricted her visits. Secondly, as I mentioned earlier, this is not the same community anymore. Now, if people find out someone (be it may a woman or a man) is behaving indecently, they try to find angles on how to get some.
> 
> To prove fornication here in a court of law requires two eye-witnesses (law amendments during last two decades). And even though the parents know that she is in the wrong here, they can do more than dialogues. If I expose her, that will leave a stigma on my kid's future (so does divorce but it is still the lesser of two evils). And yes, the other man is risking a lot but I don't think getting him beat up will solve anything. She is good-looking and I am pretty sure, he is not the only one. And speaking of honorable, this affair started years before our marriage. It seems as if I am the one who cut in. I told you that a lot of mildly educated people here completely lack the social moral fiber.
> 
> Then again, there is truth to what you have said. I don't know if I am afraid or not, or if I handled it correctly, but I do know that I am hurting, my son is hurting, and she is having the time of her life.


Again, thanks for your explanation. Here is my advice:


Get her out of your and your sons lives as quickly and as painlessly as possible - tell her you are giving her the freedom to do what she wants but not as your wife!
Then work on yourself - healthwise, appearance wise, financially and most importantly, mentally. Get all the help you can and take time to do this. Spend time with your kids.
Retain any proof you may have of her infidelity and bad behaviour. Then down the line, when the kids are older expose both her and the POSOM.


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## slam.sidd (Nov 7, 2021)

manfromlamancha said:


> Again, thanks for your explanation. Here is my advice:
> 
> 
> Get her out of your and your sons lives as quickly and as painlessly as possible - tell her you are giving her the freedom to do what she wants but not as your wife!
> ...


Ideally, this is exactly what I want to do. Self-pity, loathing, jealousy, hurt, agony, and rage keep attacking me. I can't spend even few minutes without the image of them together. Then again, she is a ****ty person but she is my son's mother. I can't stop them from interacting. She calls him once or twice a week or every ten days, that one call throws me off. And I am back to square one. I want to go numb. 

There is this song in my language, "god, the tragedies you showered upon me failed to kill me, try throwing some joy my way to see if that does it". Something has to change. I have seen that the hope for a better future helps me to move forward. I tried working, that helps if I keep myself busy. But then again something happens, one call, one mention of her in a conversation, a small trigger, and everything slips away. 27th October last year was the day when she left. It's been a whole year. And I am nowhere even close enough to gain my footing. I need something to take the edge off when that happens. Twice I came very close to paying off some people to have that guy's leg chopped off. 

I don't want to live in anguish. So please if anyone is reading this, if you can suggest any medication, which can help even a little, please let me know. Every little reinforcement helps. This might not be a big thing for you to do. But for me it could serve like an anchor to keep me afloat.


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## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

Late to this, but is there a physician you can talk to to prescribe some medicine? Or some form of therapy?

Unfortunately, the only way to get through this is with time. It's gonna suck for sure, but the timeline for recovery is 2-5 years. Barely scratching the surface in your case.

You said it's hard to be motivated even with your son, but go over something you said. Your son is struggling while she's out there without a care in the world, "having the time of her life," in your words. 

That's exactly why you must keep moving forward. It will be hard. You will be hearing from her and it will possibly send you spiraling, but don't bottle up what you feel. Embrace what you feel and keep trucking along. Because you want to give your son a better life than this - than the one she left in shambles.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

lifeistooshort said:


> I'm sorry. It sounds to me like you were never all in and she had to have felt that.
> 
> I don't get the feeling you ever appreciated that even after your accident, when a lot of women would haved bailed, she still loved you and wanted to marry you.
> 
> ...


What?? The man had a serious accident! Staying with him didn’t mean she did it out of love.

She didn’t bail, but it doesn’t sound like she was actually spoon feeding him and wiping his but. Given she spent so much time at the parents. I’m familiar with this culture and these patterns. He also gave her a choice to bail. Was probably most convenient to have a sick spouse so she could continue to do what her parents and culture would not have allowed.

Taking into account cultural considerations, she probably wasn’t allowed to marry the guy she met before she married him, so she played along and took advantage of the situation.

To the OP, I am really sorry for what you went through, and that she didn’t love you. This is a terrible thing to deal with, but the best thing possible for you, is that she’s gone. I know you’re still thinking about her every day, that’s going to take time. But at some point, you’re going to need to get angry about this.

It could be that your depression/anxiety is repressed anger. You seem sweet and caring, and not very angry. In fact, you seem to care more about her than YOU. And let’s face it, she had plenty of support from her parents and lover. Who was supporting you???

When you actually realise that you need to give that care and compassion to you first, rather than her, you’ll finally be able to be that father to your son. Oxygen mask first - and the rest will follow.

Reading your story on paper was greatly saddening. Imagine reading a story about a man like this. Or watching the movie. Could you be excited about a happy ending where the man finds his self-love? And starts to stand straight, look good, and take his son by the hand full of confidence?

It starts like this, and eventually, you won’t even think of her. I promise.


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## slam.sidd (Nov 7, 2021)

Luckylucky said:


> What?? The man had a serious accident! Staying with him didn’t mean she did it out of love.
> 
> She didn’t bail, but it doesn’t sound like she was actually spoon feeding him and wiping his but. Given she spent so much time at the parents. I’m familiar with this culture and these patterns. He also gave her a choice to bail. Was probably most convenient to have a sick spouse so she could continue to do what her parents and culture would not have allowed.
> 
> ...


Thank you for the comment. Most of what you have said is true. Only a couple corrections. Her affair started before I had that accident. At that point the other guy wasn't married. He did propose her (if what she told me was true). She could have married her and no one would have stopped her. In our society, men can marry more than one woman. She could have left me at anytime and had married him before the kid was born or even before marriage or after. I have mentioned that she never bonded with the kid as his mother. In fact, to stop him from coming back with me, she would some time tell him that if he went back with me, I would sell him to the kidnappers when he was 4 or 5 years old (he told me that a couple years ago). 

After marriage, I spent like a year and half on bed (I had severe episodes of vertigo due to concussion in the accident, they had to cut the spilled out part of my brain to avoid infection). The moment I found out we were expecting, I started working out. Applied for job in 36 companies (I didn't look very good cause of skull reconstruction surgeries) and landed a good job as a script writer for online chat support in Telenor (I was never a dull man). The point is that I stood up and made her proud when she needed it. She wanted us to live separately, I rented a place, found a servant to help her with daily chores and kept going. However, she would still take the servant with her and would leave me behind alone and spend months at her parent's. 

She took a broken man, cheated on him for 15 years, and left him devastated. I can't even begin to imagine what my son is going through. I will stand back up cause I don't have a choice, and I want to do it for my son. I have started working on two different projects to keep myself busy. And now I feel that my son is depressed cause he is starting to experience odd illnesses. Yesterday we went to see an orthopedic to have his mysterious pain above the right ankle checked out. He was unable to diagnose and just said that it was calcium and vitamin deficiency. I told him that I have been regularly feeding him fruits and milk formula ever since he was 1. He prefers fruit over junk food. Now I am planning to take him to a physiotherapist to see if he can help. Now whenever she calls him, he gets depressed. I don't know if I should stop it or not. Apparently, its not doing him any favors.

I don't want to stay stuck on her. Hence, I asked if someone can tell me what I should take to manage the depression. I hate myself for missing her and being sad for her.


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## slam.sidd (Nov 7, 2021)

Spoons027 said:


> Late to this, but is there a physician you can talk to to prescribe some medicine? Or some form of therapy?
> 
> Unfortunately, the only way to get through this is with time. It's gonna suck for sure, but the timeline for recovery is 2-5 years. Barely scratching the surface in your case.
> 
> ...


Thank you for your kind words!! May you and your loved ones be blessed!


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## Chaparralredux (Apr 21, 2021)

Are you getting any kind of support from your family? How close do they live? Your son also needs support from family and friends. Is this something friends know about? Who knows about the divorce? Will you have to pay alimony?
Why do you think she wants to come back now?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Sounds like you had an arranged marriage, so you can't expect that to end up a love story. You have to be realistic about it. 

That aside, I'm very sorry for your trauma and having to cope with everything. I suspect there's a reason your 11 year old says he doesn't want to see her and I suspect that is cultural as well, but he's only 11 and he shouldn't get to decide he never wants to see his mom. He will regret it one day or the experience will color him for life and make him bitter. You make him spend time with her. 

The sooner you just accept there is no going back to any type of love relationship with her, the better. You can do whatever you need to do, possibly, as far as keeping up appearances, or maybe you can divorce. I don't know your options. But you must face that this is what it is. You just do like everyone else and put one foot ahead of the other each morning. Good luck.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

When are you going go to stop covering for her and exposing her affair to everyone and also tell the OM wife....stop acting like a doormat and expose her shame to everyone.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

slam.sidd said:


> She calls him once or twice a week or every ten days, that one call throws me off.


So, simple -- STOP answering the phone when she calls. She is perfectly capable of finding some other way to talk with her son if she really wants to. This way it will NOT trigger you.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

slam.sidd said:


> I don't want to live in anguish. So please if anyone is reading this, if you can suggest any medication, which can help even a little, please let me know. Every little reinforcement helps. This might not be a big thing for you to do. But for me it could serve like an anchor to keep me afloat.


the best MEDICATION???

join a gym, work out every other day lifting weights, and get a buff body. Eat only healthy stuff. cut back on alcohol, no drugs. Do some aerobic exercise on off days. Improve your self image and your health.

Your demeanor will improve in a very short time!


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## slam.sidd (Nov 7, 2021)

Chaparralredux said:


> Are you getting any kind of support from your family? How close do they live? Your son also needs support from family and friends. Is this something friends know about? Who knows about the divorce? Will you have to pay alimony?
> Why do you think she wants to come back now?


I can't discuss it with anyone. I told my father what had happened and he looked at me like I had slapped him by telling him this. Same goes for my elder brother. It's a joint family system with separate sections. People do know about the divorce because I told them but they don't know the reason. She hasn't still filed for alimony. She wanted to come back to prove that the divorce is a lie and I have gone crazy or something so whatever I say is just a joke (I think).


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## slam.sidd (Nov 7, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Sounds like you had an arranged marriage, so you can't expect that to end up a love story. You have to be realistic about it.
> 
> That aside, I'm very sorry for your trauma and having to cope with everything. I suspect there's a reason your 11 year old says he doesn't want to see her and I suspect that is cultural as well, but he's only 11 and he shouldn't get to decide he never wants to see his mom. He will regret it one day or the experience will color him for life and make him bitter. You make him spend time with her.
> 
> The sooner you just accept there is no going back to any type of love relationship with her, the better. You can do whatever you need to do, possibly, as far as keeping up appearances, or maybe you can divorce. I don't know your options. But you must face that this is what it is. You just do like everyone else and put one foot ahead of the other each morning. Good luck.


It was an arranged engagement. It was still up to us to decide if we wanted to get married or not. And we had 7 years to get to know each other. I fell in love with her. She fell in love with someone else. She made me believe she loved me and there was no one else. My son and I just have too many things to do. Studies, sports, video games, and so much else. Even when we were not divorced he was never happy to leave me behind and go with her. Even when he went, (after he was like 6), he would call me to come and pick him up after a couple of days.

I never discouraged them meeting. I never discouraged them speaking on the phone even though I could see that each interaction makes my son depressed and sad. Now I am not comfortable with him suffering. If she stays away, we do miss her but it is not as intense as when she contacts. I am scared that he would get stuck on her just like me. In fact I think he already is.


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## slam.sidd (Nov 7, 2021)

Lostinthought61 said:


> When are you going go to stop covering for her and exposing her affair to everyone and also tell the OM wife....stop acting like a doormat and expose her shame to everyone.


Exposing her will make me a laughing stock, and stigmatize my son.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

slam.sidd said:


> It was an arranged engagement. It was still up to us to decide if we wanted to get married or not. And we had 7 years to get to know each other. I fell in love with her. She fell in love with someone else. She made me believe she loved me and there was no one else. My son and I just have too many things to do. Studies, sports, video games, and so much else. Even when we were not divorced he was never happy to leave me behind and go with her. Even when he went, (after he was like 6), he would call me to come and pick him up after a couple of days.
> 
> I never discouraged them meeting. I never discouraged them speaking on the phone even though I could see that each interaction makes my son depressed and sad. Now I am not comfortable with him suffering. If she stays away, we do miss her but it is not as intense as when she contacts. I am scared that he would get stuck on her just like me. In fact I think he already is.


She probably married you because her parents wanted her to or because he wasn't available because of whatever his situation was. You might be better off with freedom.


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## crushed2x (Nov 14, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> The one and only thing that kept me going after the very traumatic ending of my marriage was my children. I was all they had.
> You are all your child has so please do all you can to get help, counselling, medication, family and friends support etc..
> Eat healthily, take exercise, get out and about.
> 
> Time will help as well.


Agree 100% my kids got me through the toughest times. Being busy helps and working out is Super important and helpful. Unfortunately I am going through it again with another disappearing cheater and my kids are all grown and out, and my neck is pretty bad so I can't work out... By the next time I get my heart broken I'll be down to about 75 pounds and one foot squarely in the grave, or both. Being on the wrong end of a cheater is one of life's hardest journeys. The advice here is great


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