# Dating while separated - like a long distance, illicit relationship!



## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

I moved out 6 months ago and have been dating one man while separated for about six weeks now. I really like him, but there are a few things that I'm having trouble with at present. 

We rarely get to see each other due to schedules and how far apart we live from each other (40 min drive). For example, from the last time I saw him until we can see each other next will be 12 days. I miss him, but he has kids and responsibilities as do I. Still, this is so very different from how dating was for me previously. Yes, I know it's good in some respects as it forces us to take things slowly, but I really just would like to see him more often.

It also makes me a bit insecure, honestly, as I like him quite a bit and don't want to be hurt. Not seeing each other means that things could easily fizzle out due to not spending time together. 

The illicit part is a bit odd, too. My STBXH knows I was doing online dating, but doesn't know I've only dated one man since I started. And going out in town with my "boyfriend" (what do you call the person you're dating when you are over 40 anyway!!) is ripe with potential trouble. The guy I'm seeing is actually concerned about his STBXW running into us in the town he lives in, as he wants introductions to be handled properly. Still, it makes me feel like we are doing something wrong. I'd much prefer to just tell both of them, but timing is everything. 

Not sure why I'm even writing this other than to get other's perspectives.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

> The illicit part is a bit odd, too. My STBXH knows I was doing online dating, but doesn't know I've only dated one man since I started. And going out in town with my "boyfriend" (what do you call the person you're dating when you are over 40 anyway!!) is ripe with potential trouble. The guy I'm seeing is actually concerned about his STBXW running into us in the town he lives in, as he wants introductions to be handled properly. Still, it makes me feel like we are doing something wrong. I'd much prefer to just tell both of them, but timing is everything.
> 
> *Not sure why I'm even writing this other than to get other's perspectives*.


Because you feel a little guilty? 

He seems to have some unresolved issues with his STBXW knowing. Red flag.

You aren't yet divorced and so it's tough to call him your boyfriend or whatever term a 40 year old uses, rather than AP. He's not really your AP because you have been separated so long, but it may "feel" like he is. 

Get all the loose ends tied up and you won't have to think about this, just have fun and live. 

Not trying to be mean, just attempting to answer your question honestly.


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## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

2ntnuf said:


> Because you feel a little guilty?
> 
> He seems to have some unresolved issues with his STBXW knowing. Red flag.
> 
> ...


I'm not really feeling guilty so much as uncomfortable. I do feel it's a bit of a red flag, but really we haven't been seeing each other all that long so why would he tell her he's dating someone new until we are farther along. She's online doing the dating thing and of course that's how we met, so there's no secret there.

And there's no AP. I've encouraged my STBXH to go out and date, as I want him to be happy and think it would be good for him. For a number of reasons he has decided not to for now.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

Why would either of you tell your ex anything? Your personal life is none of their business anymore.

If they happen to see you out with a new friend, that's fine, now they know.

If there's a reason to keep the ex informed and mollified, like they would be pissed off and stop negotiating the separation terms, then you should not be dating yet. Get the legal stuff done first.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

Personally, i wouldn't worry about dating until all the loose ends were tied up and finished; I never understood the rush, but that's just me.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

SurpriseMyself said:


> I'm not really feeling guilty so much as uncomfortable.


It's like you don't know what is wrong, but something in your gut is telling you there is, where there really shouldn't be?




SurpriseMyself said:


> I do feel it's a bit of a red flag, but really we haven't been seeing each other all that long so why would he tell her he's dating someone new until we are farther along. She's online doing the dating thing and of course that's how we met, so there's no secret there.


Why would he care then? He brought it up, right? I think that's what you posted. 



SurpriseMyself said:


> And there's no AP. I've encouraged my STBXH to go out and date, as I want him to be happy and think it would be good for him. For a number of reasons he has decided not to for now.


I know there isn't an AP. Don't care about what it is, but what you feel it is, inside. What is you gut trying to tell you?


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## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

I'd bet money that he is still married and living with his wife, that would make you the OW. Sorry.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Red Sonja said:


> I'd bet money that he is still married and living with his wife, that would make you the OW. Sorry.


I thought the same thing or at the very least, he's working to restore the marriage but is not ready to give up the new sex he's getting. The online dating sites are LOADED with married parents pushing the I'm separated or practically divorced tripe that's eaten up by desperate divorcees. 

I can almost understand meeting someone through an activity that a relationship develops but to be trolling online dating sites when the divorce is still not completed just seems desperate.

Either way, whatever happened to waiting until the divorce is FINALIZED before dating. This rush for sex partners, especially from parents in long term marriages is so unbecoming. Especially when you think about how many people who are divorce bound, change their minds before it's finalized.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Divorce then date.

There are reasons why this is complicated and it's not just because of the long distance.

If you divorce then date, it gets less complicated.

To many move on to quickly without developing insight about themselves and their relationship(s). Not saying you haven't but really you aren't divorced yet....how much insight could you have?

When you are already involved with someone else it creates muddy thinking.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

What does it say about a man who takes advantage of a woman dating while separated? I think it's obvious she isn't sure or has been so hurt, she needs to get away from her husband. There are almost always things that need resolved or worked through. There are many things we need to learn. 

At least, if a woman is divorced, she has made her decisions official and can only blame herself for falling for the wrong man. Any man having sex with a woman who is not divorced must not have much empathy. He's only in it for sexual release and improving his self esteem through the affections and praise of a woman who may not be mentally/emotionally altogether yet, after her marriage has broken up. 

I think separation is a great time for learning about ourselves through counseling and pursuit of our hobbies and interests without involving dating.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

It is somewhat suspicious that he can't feel confident about a possible situation where his ex sees you both together. Awkwardness happens.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

2ntnuf said:


> What does it say about a man who takes advantage of a woman dating while separated? I think it's obvious she isn't sure or has been so hurt, she needs to get away from her husband. There are almost always things that need resolved or worked through. There are many things we need to learn.
> 
> At least, if a woman is divorced, she has made her decisions official and can only blame herself for falling for the wrong man. Any man having sex with a woman who is not divorced must not have much empathy. He's only in it for sexual release and improving his self esteem through the affections and praise of a woman who may not be mentally/emotionally altogether yet, after her marriage has broken up.
> 
> I think separation is a great time for learning about ourselves through counseling and pursuit of our hobbies and interests without involving dating.


I wish I could like a few more times.

After a marriage of many years which includes kids experienceing a broken home for the 1st time both spouses should Be busying themselves with making their kids feel safe while simultaneously working on being self reliant. There is no way you're doing that if weeks after separating you're already in some strangers bed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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