# new to this mess



## thoughtitwasa (Sep 18, 2012)

Hi. 6 wks ago I found out my husband of 16 years had been having sex with prostitutes that he found on the internet. Also, lots of using the internet for porn, emailing women about sex to get a thrill, masturbation to all this stuff. 

There has also been heavy drinking. This last year his steady drinking increased to 5 nights a week from 7-1pm while playing video games in the basement. Some calling in sick from work because he'd been drinking. He drinks at home mostly, and doesn't get pass-out, falling down, raging, mean drunk. He gets "high." 

He struggles with depression and anxiety and has very a very negative way of thinking. He thinks everyone hates him, at work, at home. Stress of his career running into a dead-end. Family of origin issues. All things that I told myself were "normal" difficulties that people face in midlife and I spent years, and especially this last year, trying to be patient, understanding, supportive because he was a good person going through a difficult time. And he's my partner of 16+ years. And he's the father of our two wonderful kids.

I was completely shocked at finding out about the sex with prostitutes. He was going on his lunch breaks. He says it was 8 times with 5 different prostitutes. 

I have been putting energy into trying to take care of myself, being normal with the kids, staying up late at night talking with my husband, and getting daily stuff done. I am exhausted.

I don't really know what I'm posting for right now, but I could use any support. I feel like I'm going crazy. I had a bit of a revelation tonight while putting away the laundry that he made his choice when he had sex with those prostitutes. I somehow have been thinking that he was some kind of victim of his issues who 100% wanted to do right by our marriage and our family. I have felt myself trying to rationalize and minimize his actions. 

Soon after I found out, I told him that I needed him to not have sex outside our marriage, stop using the internet for porn/chat/whatever, start counseling, and stop drinking for two months (after two months we would revisit the drinking. He feels like he was using alcohol, but is not an alcoholic. He hobby brews and loves beer; it's a big part of his life/identity/social life) I just found out that he has had some beers -a previously sealed case in the garage was open, so I looked and there were 4 missing. I sat on it for a few days, to see if he would bring it up. He didn't, so last night I asked him about it and he said that he had decided that my request was unreasonable and that it was fine for a guy to have a beer once in a while. He said that he didn't feel that drinking was a problem and that I was off-base when including it with the other things. 

Writing it out I feel so stupid, but really in my head I am trying to find a way for this all to be alright. Thinking, maybe I need to give a little. The consequence of not giving a little is my kids experiencing the break-up of their family. I am devastated. I don't know what to do. 

Any opinions, perspective, experience is welcome and desperately needed


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

So if your request was unreasonable about the drinking, and "4 beers is ok", then is 2 prostitutes ok as well?

He cheated on you, he's obligated to make it all better by following your instructions.

He is crapping all over you and he now knows he can get away with it, as long as he gives it to you in small doses.

If it's going to work there must be zero tolerance.


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## thoughtitwasa (Sep 18, 2012)

Zero tolerance. I don't even know what that looks like. If I say it's not ok, and he does it anyway and says I'm the unreasonable one, what then? I'm sure this sounds dumb. Do I tell him to pack a bag and go stay in a hotel? What if he doesn't?


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

thoughtitwasa said:


> Zero tolerance. I don't even know what that looks like. If I say it's not ok, and he does it anyway and says I'm the unreasonable one, what then? I'm sure this sounds dumb. Do I tell him to pack a bag and go stay in a hotel? What if he doesn't?


You tell him you can no longer be married to him and you retain an attorney and you file for divorce.

If he won't leave, request sole occupancy and temporary sole custody of the kids when you file.

Make it clear you're concerned for your safety and the safety of the children.


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

I say go to the doc and get tested for STDs really soon. I am so sorry that you are going thru this. I would be totally devistated, hurt, angry and scared. That is awful..aside from the drinking all of those prositutes! I'd be packing his bags. I am usuallu understanding and all about reconcilling because I had an emotional affair but what he has done and is possibly still doing is going to ruin you. He is very toxic.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

I am so sorry you are dealing with this.

Don't let him rattle your thought processes. You aren't wrong.

You cannot allow someone who should be doing everything possible to save the marriage make any changes to what it is you need to be okay. Asking a man such as your husband to take a break from drinking for two months is beyond reasonable.

I hate to say this but the very idea he is not willing to make reasonable accommodations for you lets you know the marriage is a bust.


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## thoughtitwasa (Sep 18, 2012)

I'm so scared! Can 16 years of marriage really be gone in the blink of an eye? Can my kids go from a happy family life to broken family just like that? My brain can't get a handle on it.


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

thoughtitwasa said:


> I'm so scared! Can 16 years of marriage really be gone in the blink of an eye?


Your marriage was gone a long time ago, not in the blink of an eye, you just didn't see it until you opened them for the first time.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

He has very poor boundary control. Now you are going to see several posts, and many of them may sound extreme or dramatic. Now before we get to that, let me tell you what to expect if you take a tolerating accepting attitude of this behavior. 

(1)

"You said you wouldn't watch porn"

"What its just porn. Its no big deal, its not unreasonable to want to rub one out, you're being crazy"

(2)

"Omg you're getting drunk again"

"Its just beer, so what. Theres nothing wrong with me, and its not like I'm falling down drunk"

(3)

"I know you're talking to those prostitutes again"

"Its just talk alright. I'm not having sex I'm just chatting its nothing"



If you take this kind of tolerating position, expect him to respond with this kind of attitude and argument for most everything. 

He will not change because he thinks he doesn't have to. 

You have to show him that he have to. Trust me, that is the only way to get him back in the marriage and off the drink.

The drink is one of the worst addictions due to how easy it is to procure and how socially acceptable. 

To break it, hes gonna have to stand to lose something, and that something needs to be you. 

I used to smoke. I wasn't a chain smoker but I definitely had more than a few. My GF wasn't gonna put up with that though, and told me she would not raise a child in a smoking environment. 

My GF means way more to me than smoking, so after a patch and 2-3 weeks I stopped smoking. I haven't smoked in nearly two years and have no urge to. 

See a common misconception is to break an addiction you have to help them through it. Thats false. To fix it you need to get to the root of the problem, fix it, and cut off any other factors. Tolerating someone's addiction is only being a crutch and last time I checked a crutch doesn't fix a broken leg. It makes the person(addict) be able to get around easier and function, but that leg is still gonna be broken. Surgery fixes the leg. you need to be surgery to him, not a crutch.

Play hardball. The biggest way to drive this home to him, the biggest and best way is to have him move out. When he is sleeping in some ratty motel, he'll have to choose. 

His wife and home, or alcohol and hookers. 

This ultimatum is gonna come sooner or later, make it sooner.


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

Kasler said:


> Play hardball. The biggest way to drive this home to him, the biggest and best way is to have him move out. When he is sleeping in some ratty motel, he'll have to choose.
> 
> His wife and home, or alcohol and hookers.
> 
> This ultimatum is gonna come sooner or later, make it sooner.


Please.. this guy screwed prostitutes, he drinks despite her complaints, and that's just for starters.

He's not going anywhere without a court order.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

sharkeey said:


> Please.. this guy screwed prostitutes, he drinks despite her complaints, and that's just for starters.
> 
> He's not going anywhere without a court order.


With what precedent? She has no legal bounds to expel him from the marital home at this point, and they're not separated so what would you suggest?


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

Kasler said:


> With what precedent? She has no legal bounds to expel him from the marital home at this point, and they're not separated so what would you suggest?


I already suggested she file for divorce and in the divorce petition request sole occupancy and temporary sole custody of the children.


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## thoughtitwasa (Sep 18, 2012)

(1)

"You said you wouldn't watch porn"

"What its just porn. Its no big deal, its not unreasonable to want to rub one out, you're being crazy"



He has already said this. "Men look at porn. Men need to masturbate. Looking at porn and masturbating once a day is not abnormal." 

As with the alcohol, he agreed to stop. Because I asked him to, not because he thinks it's a problem. He has said that stopping the porn has been harder than stopping drinking. But he decided to go ahead and have a few beers. I don't know if he has decided to watch porn or whatever he was doing on the internet. He says he has not and does not plan to, as he does see that that is a problem for him.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

sharkeey said:


> I already suggested she file for divorce and in the divorce petition request sole occupancy and temporary sole custody of the children.


You don't file before the ultimatum. 

The husband already has self esteem problems and thinks everyone hates him. 

Ambushing him with D papers and trying to take the children with sole custody would only make things 10 times worse. 

If she files for D, hes gonna have to see that she came to him and tried to talk him back into the marriage, or his passive aggressiveness will ruin any chance or R and the divorce would be rife with mudslinging.

Please take into account the other persons temperament and logical responses.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

thoughtitwasa said:


> (1)
> 
> "You said you wouldn't watch porn"
> 
> ...


He needs to know its a problem. From what I read he is VERY passive aggressive and these are very difficult people to deal with. 

He'll say he'll do one thing to you and then do something completely different. 

When it threatens his marriage, he'll see its a problem.

And you have got to get him in individual counseling.


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

Kasler said:


> You don't file before the ultimatum.


If I had a spouse who screwed numerous prostitutes I'd file without giving any ultimatum, but hey maybe that's just me.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

sharkeey said:


> If I had a spouse who screwed numerous prostitutes I'd file without giving any ultimatum, but hey maybe that's just me.


You're right, this isn't you. 

Take OP's husband's personality into consideration and how he would act.

Ambushing him would only backfire. The same way filing D papers for a spouse who fell out of love would backfire.


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## thoughtitwasa (Sep 18, 2012)

He is in counseling. He did do that all on his own right after I found out. His work gives 5 free sessions per issue. He went to two weeks in a row, then he and his counselor decided to space the last 3 out by going every other week. I asked him if he planned to continue after the 5 free and he said he hadn't thought about it. I told him it was important to me that he continue to go, that it was something positive that he was doing that I could *see* 

I also started counseling, but have only had two sessions as my counselor was out of town for 3 weeks. I have an appt for Thursday. 

I really appreciate hearing all of your points of view.


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

My point of view is that you better pony up the bucks for counseling, it's going to take a lot more than 5 sessions to fix this mess.

And stop "asking him if he's going to continue".

It's not up to him.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

thoughtitwasa said:


> He is in counseling. He did do that all on his own right after I found out. His work gives 5 free sessions per issue. He went to two weeks in a row, then he and his counselor decided to space the last 3 out by going every other week. I asked him if he planned to continue after the 5 free and he said he hadn't thought about it. I told him it was important to me that he continue to go, that it was something positive that he was doing that I could *see*
> 
> I also started counseling, but have only had two sessions as my counselor was out of town for 3 weeks. I have an appt for Thursday.
> 
> I really appreciate hearing all of your points of view.


No prob. 

He really needs to continue that counseling because from the sounds of it he has several underlying complexes that are causing him to be so callous and near apathetic to your circumstances. 

After his cheating, you should demand he stay in counseling, and don't let him try to BS by saying "Well I need to find one first"

You find one, he goes and theres no change in schedule after his free sessions are done and no transitional downtime either.


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## thoughtitwasa (Sep 18, 2012)

Also, he told me that he talked to his counselor about the drinking, and the counselor doesn't think it is a problem. Apparently my husband almost skipped session #2 with thoughts of going to a bar instead, but did end up going to the session. He told the counselor about it, the counselor asked what were the chances that he'd stop at the bar after the session. My husband said zero, and counselor said "well, if you were an alcoholic you wouldn't have come here, you'd be at the bar." 

So my husband feels that his position on the drinking is backed up by his counselor. And I'm being unreasonable to ask him to give up something that he loves.

Geez, I'm making myself sick typing this stuff out. I haven't had much opportunity to talk to about this.


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

thoughtitwasa said:


> Also, he told me that he talked to his counselor about the drinking, and the counselor doesn't think it is a problem.


The counselor is inept.

Is the counselor aware he drinks almost every night and sometimes misses work because of the drinking?


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## thoughtitwasa (Sep 18, 2012)

sharkeey said:


> And stop "asking him if he's going to continue".
> 
> It's not up to him.


Yeah, it's been a really ****ty 6 weeks. I am starting to have some moments of clarity. I guess I have been wanting to see what he could come up with on his own. I guess I have been trying to see what he *does* so I can gauge where he's at, you know? I suppose that I am contributing to the problem. He is certainly showing me where he's at, and still I am afraid to face it. I was used to thinking of us as partners and respecting him.


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## thoughtitwasa (Sep 18, 2012)

sharkeey said:


> The counselor is inept.
> 
> Is the counselor aware he drinks almost every night and sometimes misses work because of the drinking?


I don't know what he has told the counselor, only what he has told me he's talked about with the counselor. He has been quite defensive that the counselor stuff is private and he feels it is intrusive for me to ask him for more than he wants to share. I told him that he could use his session tomorrow to talk about his drinking the beer after committing to me that he would not and he got very defensive, acts like I am overstepping my place.

I told my counselor about the drinking and she said "he's an alcoholic."


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

thoughtitwasa said:


> I don't know what he has told the counselor, only what he has told me he's talked about with the counselor.


You're getting the filtered version.. he hears what he wants to hear and then he tells you what he wants you to hear.


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## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

*hugs*

I can't tell you how sorry I am about this and that you are having to deal with this crap.

You need to decide two things. What do you need? What do you want?

Me, I need a husband who does not drink to excess more nights than not. I need a husband who will remain faithful in every way. I need a husband who leads the family and is considerate of me and our marriage. I NEED these things. I cannot do without them.

I want a husband that doesn't drink a drop. I want a husband that does his man chores. I want a husband that does not watch so much porn on the internet. I want... I can live without these things though it really does blow sometimes.

You take your "need" list and run with it. Write it carefully. It sticks in stone.

What happens after that is his choice. You have no control over him. His actions are a reflection of him only. You did not deserve this. You did not "do" this. It was all him.

Love yourself, those kids and breathe. It will, one day, be okay no matter what happens.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Porn. Never heard of anyone getting an STD and passing it on to their faithful spouse.

Prostitutes? You MUST get tested ASAP!


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## thoughtitwasa (Sep 18, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Porn. Never heard of anyone getting an STD and passing it on to their faithful spouse.
> 
> Prostitutes? You MUST get tested ASAP!


I did. It was one of the first things, that he get tested. I went and got tested in addition. 

I have had a difficult time with the issues of trust and sex in the last six weeks. I don't trust him and I have not felt like having sex. He is really missing it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Well OP. That's just tough luck for him now isn't it?

He betrayed you, the kids, the marriage, the family. You did nothing wrong but be a loyal, loving and from what I can see absolutely caring human being. He preyed on that and is now trying to worm out of the conditions you've agreed upon.

You deserve better. If you plan on staying at the very least he should be able to give up beer until you say so, it really is not that hard...unless of course he IS an alcoholic.


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## blueirisblue (Sep 14, 2012)

I'm not sure I can buy into the whole "because I say so" deal when asking for a change in a man's behavior. People will only change when they see and understand the reason to change. Threats and demands may work short term, but for a change in behavior you need to push forward the reward for the change. In your case a return to the loving and happy family lifestyle. I give you guys big props for going to individual counseling, but is it time to go together as well?


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## thoughtitwasa (Sep 18, 2012)

sinnister said:


> Well OP. That's just tough luck for him now isn't it?
> 
> He thinks I am rejecting him, punishing him for what he did, and "toying with him." I tried to explain that I simply and truly feel uncomfortable at the idea of being intimate with him right now, so soon after finding out that he's had sex with prostitutes multiple times and also all the roaming the internet looking for opportunities to feed his sexual/emotional "needs." And that he's been doing that while I was caring for our kids and cleaning our toilets. And that he comes home like nothing happened. And that I've spent a lot of heart energy listening and sympathizing with his family issues, and his work issues. And the dishonesty. And that he had good opportunities to open a conversation about some of this and didn't (we know of couples locally who have various marital issues and have discussed some of this stuff!) And that he was never going to tell me, and he thought he'd get himself back on track without actually addressing any of his issues. And stringing me along the whole time. And, in his mind, blaming me for a lot of his unhappiness. And. And. And. Too many Ands!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

sharkeey said:


> And stop "asking him if he's going to continue". It's not up to him.


Here's the thing. You don't HAVE to stay married to him. You're within your rights to kick him out AND make the courts make him pay child support and whatever else.

He needs to understand this, and that he is only there on your good graces. Being concerned for him is NOT going to help him. Protecting your boundaries is.

Read Boundaries in Marriage by Cloud and Townsend. A bit preachy, but the premise is sound: you have to have strong, firm boundaries on what is acceptable in a marriage. Currently, yours need to include no drinking and no porn. Period. 

The consequence for him crossing that boundary needs to be strong - I recommend separation, not divorce. That tells him that you want him to stay but he can't - until he comes to understand your side of this. 

Carefully explain that he has one more chance and if you find he has crossed the boundary line, your next step will be filing for a separation. No different than you would do for your teenage kid. "I cannot accept ABC and if you insist on ABC, you'll have to do it without me. Your choice."


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

thoughtitwasa said:


> He thinks I am rejecting him, punishing him for what he did, and "toying with him."


That is manipulation. He likely has done this his whole life to get what he wants - being the victim so you step back from what you want, and try to make it up to him.

Going the boundary route removes all this crap. YOU have a boundary, it's what YOU need for sanity and well-being. He can either accept your boundary and abide by it, or he can leave and have all the hookers and porn he wants - from somewhere else. 

Again, HIS choice.

It removes his ability to maneuver.


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## thoughtitwasa (Sep 18, 2012)

blueirisblue said:


> I'm not sure I can buy into the whole "because I say so" deal when asking for a change in a man's behavior. People will only change when they see and understand the reason to change. Threats and demands may work short term, but for a change in behavior you need to push forward the reward for the change. In your case a return to the loving and happy family lifestyle. I give you guys big props for going to individual counseling, but is it time to go together as well?


After finding out what he'd been doing, I was very shocked and hurt and angry and didn't try to hide it, but I have also been mindful to not act in a way that would make it impossible for us to work things out. 

I did, however, think hard about what I needed in order to not run out the door that first week or so, and came up with:
no sex with other people! duh!
no more internet porn/sex content
go to counseling
no alcohol for two months, and then we would revisit this one.

I decided that these were so important that if wasn't willing to do them that it meant he would not be moving toward a healthier way of living. And that I would not be willing to be in a married relationship with him. 

He seems to have agreed to the alcohol thing "because I said so." He seems to have agreed to the others because he feels they are necessary for him to get healthier. I have explained why the drinking is a serious problem for me and he had said he doesn't understand my point of view. 

The plan was to also do joint counseling, but I wanted to delay starting it because 1) I wanted him to have a few individual sessions first 2) I felt I needed to have a few individual sessions first 3) a couple of times, during intense conversations about all this stuff, he has pulled back right before saying something and when I say "what is it?" he says he would like to save it for joint counseling. I have no idea what is going on with him and I admit to being a bit frightened to being surprised like that and put on the spot in a joint session. 

After the last couple of days, though, I am feeling like it's now or never, even if I'm not feeling ready.


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## shannonc5460 (Aug 13, 2012)

I'm not all that "seasoned" here but first things first. Get yourself to a doctor and get tested! He had sex with prostitutes, get tested!!! Then make sure he gets tested!!! There are worse things than kids being from a broken home! It's new, get tested and get counseling and breath. No life altering decisions need to be made just yet. Take care of you and kids and leave him be. Can't stress enough to get tested!! Good luck and much love!


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## thoughtitwasa (Sep 18, 2012)

turnera said:


> Here's the thing. You don't HAVE to stay married to him. You're within your rights to kick him out AND make the courts make him pay child support and whatever else.
> 
> 
> I felt like I already was crystal clear with my boundaries and the reasons I was making them. Then I found out that he broke one of them. When confronted about it he refused to acknowledge that he did anything wrong because the boundary was unreasonable in his opinion. When I explained that it was crucial to *me* and that the next step is to tell him to leave, he very defensively started talking about all the good things he has done for me, the home he provides by having worked his way up in his career. He said it was his home, too, and that he would not leave.


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## thoughtitwasa (Sep 18, 2012)

shannonc5460 said:


> I'm not all that "seasoned" here but first things first. Get yourself to a doctor and get tested! He had sex with prostitutes, get tested!!! Then make sure he gets tested!!! There are worse things than kids being from a broken home! It's new, get tested and get counseling and breath. No life altering decisions need to be made just yet. Take care of you and kids and leave him be. Can't stress enough to get tested!! Good luck and much love!


We both got tested in the week after I found out and everything came back negative, thankfully. 

It's hard to "leave him be" when we are here together in our house interacting with our kids. For the first few weeks I was very focused on talking care of myself and going about my everyday stuff with the kids. Now, at 6 weeks, I find myself crying on the bathroom floor an awful lot


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

thoughtitwasa said:


> I have explained why the drinking is a serious problem for me and he had said he doesn't understand my point of view.


If nothing else, all that time he spends drunk and playing games, he COULD be engaging in fun activities with you and his kids. He COULD be playing monopoly, or teaching them chess, or doing a jigsaw puzzle together, or playing baseball in the back yard, or riding bikes, or going on a hike, or, at the very least, playing the video games WITH the kids. But he has checked out and is focused on his daily fix of numbness.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

thoughtitwasa said:


> I felt like I already was crystal clear with my boundaries and the reasons I was making them. Then I found out that he broke one of them.


Well, here's the rub, thought. A boundary is not a boundary unless the consequence is enforced. Without you enforcing the consequence, you're just complaining. And men will put up with a LOT of complaining from their women; in fact, it's a running joke among men.

The only thing he will understand is the consequence.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

thoughtitwasa said:


> He said it was his home, too, and that he would not leave.


 Hah! Did you laugh at him?

The courts will decide that, not him.


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## shannonc5460 (Aug 13, 2012)

I am so sorry, I am 4 months from Dday and still cry at the drop of the hat. It's what we do, unfortunately. Just keep pushing forward, go shopping with the kids or movies or with friends or just to the park. Anything he's not involved and talk to a lawyer, it doesn't mean you have to divorce if you don't want to but maybe he'll see you are serious and you'll know your options. (((((HUGS)))))


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## thoughtitwasa (Sep 18, 2012)

turnera said:


> Hah! Did you laugh at him?
> 
> The courts will decide that, not him.


No, I didn't laugh at him. I thought about whether it was time to make that final decision, what else I was still hanging in here for, what he could do that would show that it was a good idea to have him stay. 

I thought about what it might look like if I told him I need a separation and he refuses to leave the house. I wondered if I would leave the house, with the kids? And go where? Or would I file for separation and stay here in the house, with him here too? Do I sleep on the couch because he refuses to not sleep in our bed? After he ****s prostitutes on his lunch breaks and lies to me for years, and when confronted is defensive and blaming me, he gets to sleep in the bed?

And how do I talk to the kids about this? It was an incredible shock to me to have the rug pulled out from under me six weeks ago. So I'm going to have to explain to my kids that their Dad is gone, or that they and I need to move? Without telling them the awful details that would shed some light on why it is necessary?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You need to talk to a lawyer about your rights. You're making assumptions without knowing what you can and can't do.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

thoughtitwasa said:


> Or would I file for separation and stay here in the house, with him here too?


Well, a separation by definition would be in separate homes. If you are granted a separation, he will be legally forced to leave the home. Or he gets arrested and/or fined.



thoughtitwasa said:


> And how do I talk to the kids about this? It was an incredible shock to me to have the rug pulled out from under me six weeks ago. So I'm going to have to explain to my kids that their Dad is gone, or that they and I need to move? Without telling them the awful details that would shed some light on why it is necessary?


 Well, personally I believe in telling the kids the truth, always. Age appropriately. If they are 5 or younger, "Daddy wanted to have a girlfriend and marriages don't work right if you have a girlfriend or boyfriend. So we are going to live in two separate homes until we figure this out. But we both love you always."

Is it better to end up crying on the bathroom floor every day?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

thoughtitwasa said:


> Do I sleep on the couch because he refuses to not sleep in our bed? After he ****s prostitutes on his lunch breaks and lies to me for years, and when confronted is defensive and blaming me, he gets to sleep in the bed?


First, I would either change the lock on the bedroom - on HIS dime - so he can no longer sleep in the bedroom or I would tell him if he TRIES to sleep in the bedroom, you will call the police.

Second, if he blames you, it's probably a pattern you two have developed, wherein you put up with the blame, so I would stop that TODAY. If he starts in on blaming you, hold you your hand, say "I WON'T listen to you blaming me for your bad actions," and leave the room. You have to teach him to respect you by respecting yourself first. The way you talk, it sounds like he usually gets his way. Time to change that.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Why are you letting him call the shots here?? Please read my story. Your husband has NO say in what happens right now. He freaking CHEATED on you. With HOOKERS. Mine did too, and his a$$ was out the door so fast he didn't know what hit him.

What would you say to your daughter if she was you? "Well, just don't be too mean to him or he might not want to be married to you any more" ?? The guy had SEX with HOOKERS outside his marriage! That is scummy behaviour. He deserves to be treated like scum.

GET MAD at him. What he did to you and your family is UNACCEPTABLE.

You may not be able to force him into moving out, but you sure as heck can. If my husband had refused to leave I would have. Walked right away. The thought of spending time under the same roof with him after what he did made me want to puke. I know everyone says don't leave, but that wouldn't have mattered to me. I would have gone to 'visit a friend' for a few days and gotten a lawyers advice. 

As for the kids, yes it's hell on them. No you can't shield them from it. Your HUSBAND brought this down on you. If you allow him to walk all over you, what is THAT teaching your kids? Tell them the truth - that daddy did something unacceptable to you and that you need to be away from him for a while to figure out what's gonna happen. They'll cry and you'll have to console them - something else HE did. Left you to hold the bag with the kids. But you will do it because you have to. 

If you rugsweep this you'll regret it.


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## thoughtitwasa (Sep 18, 2012)

Hope1964 said "Please read my story." 

I just did. I lol'ed at :loser:


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

thoughtitwasa said:


> I thought about what it might look like if I told him I need a separation and he refuses to leave the house. I wondered if I would leave the house, with the kids? And go where? Or would I file for separation and stay here in the house, with him here too? Do I sleep on the couch because he refuses to not sleep in our bed?


It appears that you are not reading my posts, but I'll give it one last try before leaving this thread for good.

You stop asking him "if he will continue with therapy". You stop engaging him in these silly arguments where he justifies his cheating with prostitutes and nightly drunkeness by pointing out how wonderful he is. You stop talking to this man and playing into his manipulative games and you go see an attorney.

In your divorce petition you request sole occupancy of the marital residence and sole custody of the children. Your lawyer will help you with your recollection of events and with the wording so that the courts will hopefully realize it's not possible for you to both live together during divorce proceedings, and maybe there is even a threat to you and the children.. and this will set the stage for a permanent award after the divorce is final.

You don't leave. He leaves and he pays support to you. That's the goal. 



thoughtitwasa said:


> And how do I talk to the kids about this?


We'll get to that later on, it's going to be a while.


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## thoughtitwasa (Sep 18, 2012)

sharkeey said:


> It appears that you are not reading my posts, but I'll give it one last try before leaving this thread for good.
> 
> I am reading, but it may be a matter of only what a person is ready for is what they are able to understand  I have a feeling of being closer to your advice than I was a couple of days ago, and I know your words will still be here when I'm at that moment. So thank you for writing them.
> 
> ...


(about the kids) I'm guessing you've seen many like me come on this message board, and drag this process out for a long time. In some ways I do think I'm looking for people to say: it's okay to quit trying to be "nice" and "do what is right" (honor a commitment I made, exhaust all possibilities because we have kids.) That it's okay to simply say "no" to being completely disregarded and used by my husband and bow out of ongoing negotiations about our relationship. I am getting to that point in my head, but it's a real stretch for me because I was raised to please people and be "good."


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## thoughtitwasa (Sep 18, 2012)

thoughtitwasa said:


> (about the kids) I'm guessing you've seen many like me come on this message board, and drag this process out for a long time. In some ways I do think I'm looking for people to say: it's okay to quit trying to be "nice" and "do what is right" (honor a commitment I made, exhaust all possibilities because we have kids.) That it's okay to simply say "no" to being completely disregarded and used by my husband and bow out of ongoing negotiations about our relationship. I am getting to that point in my head, but it's a real stretch for me because I was raised to please people and be "good."


oops, messed up the quotes...


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

thoughtitwasa said:


> oops, messed up the quotes...


On this forum, you can go back and edit your posts and fix them.


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