# Really could do with some advice here..



## Dazed1

Hi Everybody

I'm new to the forum so hello!

I'm used to being the one that has all the answers; be it family, work, etc but this one is killing me - Any advice _really _would be greatly appreciated.

I'm early fifties and have been married for 25 years. I love my wife dearly but (cue eye-rolling) I'm not in love with her. Whilst I couldn't care for her any more than I do, I have simply lost any physical attraction to her - we have become - to my eyes anyway - great friends. She doesn't see it this way and is very much in love with me. The sex has never been that frequent or good - I don't seem to remember us ever being intimate more than a handful of times a year - maybe in the early days more frequently, but certainly in the last few years, a handful of times. There's a long story about our sex life; My sex drive was much higher then hers which was very low but I could never broach the subject and did feel rejected sexually........

We have separated a few months ago and I am in hell - I'm beating myself up for being so shallow; we have a great life (no money issues, great family and friends, etc) and we never argued; we genuinely agreed on pretty much everything from the way we raised the kids to what colour to decorate the lounge -can I really drive a wrecking ball through all of this because I don't fancy her any more? I'm also killing myself at how I am hurting her - she is a wonderful person and I've wounded her deeply.

I should point out that I have always been of the 'an affair is a betrayal of trust' mindset and a year ago I drifted into an affair with a woman I fell in love with (which has now ended) It's funny, because I don't feel guilty about the affair (my wife doesn't know, btw).

My question is simply this; I have to make decision as to what to do; do I go back and grin and bear it; accept the fact that I'm not attracted and 'in'-love with her, but do love her; do I accept that sex will probably be a thing of the past, but balance that with all the rest of the good things we have. Or do I leave and take the colossal fall out that will ensue.

Obviously, what I've given you above is the bare bones - there's tons more, but I'm just keen to get the knee-jerk reaction of the wider community.

Many thanks

Dazed1 (and I am!)


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## Yeswecan

Spill the beans on your affair. Let your W make her own decision to what she wants. You obviously don't.


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## SentHereForAReason

Getting my popcorn ready for the shelling coming your way. 

Sorry but I'm going to be a little bit shallow as well. I know people make 'mistakes' or bad choices but what I hope here is that your wife finds someone that will be true to her and not someone that once they figure out the affair is not going to work out, they are debating 'allowing' the marriage to continue.

So basically you grew older together, raised kids had a 'good' life and then your entitlement finally pushed you over the edge to get what you thought you deserved at the expense of her? 

Please don't give her a mercy marriage, let her be free, go through the pain now and find someone that will truly be in love with her.


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## Bluesclues

I agree. You must tell her about the affair so she is making decisions about her life with all of the facts. She may not wish to play friends/roommates with you. 

What is the reason she thinks you are separated?


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## Andy1001

I love how you are so sure about your wife’s love and devotion to you.
Wouldn’t it be terrible if she told you she doesn’t want you back,she has found a guy who knows how to make love to her and she is taking the house and half your pension.
Really terrible.


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## Buddy400

Dazed1 said:


> , but I'm just keen to get the knee-jerk reaction of the wider community.


Tell her the truth. That'll help you make up your mind.

More back ground on how the sex life went so wrong would help.

I'm of the unpopular opinion that there are some good reasons to cheat. Not many, but some.


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## oldshirt

Please be aware that many of the people here are betrayed spouses whos partner (or ex spouse/partner as the case may be) Gave them the I-Love-You-but-Not-In-Love-With-You (ILYBNILWY) speech after many months of even years of sexless marriage only to find out they were if fact having hot and heavy sex with someone else. 

People are going to smell blood in the water and go on a feeding frenzy here shortly. 

My suggestion is sit on the mountain and ponder what will cause the least amount of pain and suffering to your wife in the long run. 

She already knows/knew that you weren't all-in. She probably already suspects or even assumes that you are at least interested in finding someone else or perhaps even assumes that you have been with someone else. 

I can't give you a clear answer of course, but what I can offer is that I think it would be wrong for your to go back to your marriage and just suck it up and live with the chronic discontent simply out of guilt. 

If you truly want to try to make a go of it because you sincerely do want to have a life with her, that is one thing. 

But only do it if you are sincere and are willing to bear the heavy lifting and live with what you get. 

If you are only considering going back to assuage your guilt and to help you feel like you are chivalrous, then don't put her through that. 

With a clean break she may be sad initially, but she will be able to move on with her own life and do her own thing. If you go back just to ease your guilt and shore up your image management, then she will be stuck with some guy that is future faking with her just to alleviate his own guilt from screwing around and to try to not look like a jerk.


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## SentHereForAReason

Buddy400 said:


> Tell her the truth. That'll help you make up your mind.
> 
> More back ground on how the sex life went so wrong would help.
> 
> I'm of the *unpopular opinion* that there are some good reasons to cheat. Not many, but some.


I'll give you credit for at least realizing that 

There are good reasons to divorce, never any to cheat.


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## BluesPower

So here is my bashing for you. You are a jerk, you know what you did was wrong. You should have divorced first. You know all of that. 

Bottom line, affairs are wrong. Now, if you decide to divorce her, just don't tell her. I know that is wrong too, but in reality it is not worth it. Besides, she may know already or suspect and is actually glad she does not have to have sex with you. 

You should have come her years ago, we could have saved you some trouble. 

What to do now. 

Look, a lot of guys confuse LD women with women that are not really attracted to you. They may love you as roommates but romantic love, not so much. She is comfortable, you are comfortable, you have your money, but you have no sex. 

At this point you can try to talk to her, if you want to sex to return, but it won't. It really has nothing to do with her drive, or her age, she does not want to. 

Bottom line, if you want to be happy you have to get a divorce. 

While I have never been in a sexless relationship, I would never tolerate it, I want you to understand where I am at in my life and look for the difference. 

I am 54, GF 60 (hot as 2$ pistol). We are not living together yet so that is different. 

This woman love me and she loves to F*** me all the time. As high of a sex drive as I have, I have to work to keep up (pun intended) 

This is the difference between a woman that is really "in love" with you and one that is not.

It is your choice. It may be a hard one, but for me, i pick sex everytime...


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

stillfightingforus said:


> Getting my popcorn ready for the shelling coming your way.
> 
> Sorry but I'm going to be a little bit shallow as well. I know people make 'mistakes' or bad choices but what I hope here is that your wife finds someone that will be true to her and not someone that once they figure out the affair is not going to work out, they are debating 'allowing' the marriage to continue.
> 
> So basically you grew older together, raised kids had a 'good' life and then your entitlement finally pushed you over the edge to get what you thought you deserved at the expense of her?
> 
> Please don't give her a mercy marriage, let her be free, go through the pain now and find someone that will truly be in love with her.


I very much like this answer. It's better than I would be able to convey.


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## EllaSuaveterre

Tell her the brutally honest truth. 

Write down a timeline with names, dates, times, and places of everything you ever did with your paramour and give it to her, because even though this SOUNDS like it will devastate her more, the vast majority of people who have been romantically betrayed actually need to know every details about their betrayal before they can begin to move on. Like you have to know what kind of cancer you have and how bad it is before you can treat it. Then write a letter with all the reasons you don't want to lose her, and give that to her too. Let her decide what she wants to do with this information.

Accept that you have just blown your world apart. Accept that she needs between 2 and 5 years to overcome the heartbreak of what you just did to her. Understand that sometimes, affairs even give people PTSD. Accept that you can do very little, ultimately, to influence whether she wants to stay or go.

Read about affairs. Learn about the physiological factors of your love for your wife, and the love you may have felt for your paramour. What you read may shock you. Strongly consider getting therapy as you cope with your wife's emotional nuclear fallout and the horrific reality of what you're going through.

Give yourself credit for doing this. Seriously, all of the above is one of the hardest things a person will do in their lifetimes. Be gentle with yourself. Engage every day in healthy hobbies and self-care activities that make you feel calm and at peace. Do not, ever, under any circumstances, hate yourself. Doing all of the above is proof that you are still a good person at heart. There is no need for self-loathing.


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## happyhusband0005

Look you're unhappy, you have missed out on a lifetime of good sex, that scenario is not going to change. If you have not told your wife that this is the primary reason for the separation you probably should. But I the truth is you're never going to get what you need from this marriage. Life is short and once it's over thats it no redo. Be kind to your wife but your half way done so get the divorce and allow you both to pursue a happy second half of your lives.


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## azimuth

happyhusband0005 said:


> Look you're unhappy, you have missed out on a lifetime of good sex, that scenario is not going to change. If you have not told your wife that this is the primary reason for the separation you probably should. But I the truth is you're never going to get what you need from this marriage. Life is short and once it's over thats it no redo. Be kind to your wife but your half way done so get the divorce and allow you both to pursue a happy second half of your lives.


And what about her? Does she deserve a chance to work on it? Did she even get one? He may be prepared and excited to face single life in his 50s, but for women that's much harder, and she probably hasn't been planning for this. From her POV it'll look like he wasted the best years of HER life raising his kids and providing stability, cleaning up messes, taking care of sick kids, kid chauffeur, etc, and then after that's done he dumps her for someone younger and hotter. The OP will have to elaborate on what they've tried so far to fix the problems, but it looks like he just had an affair to satisfy himself and is now leaving, not even giving her a chance. I don't think that's fair.


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## azimuth

Dazed1 said:


> Hi Everybody
> 
> I'm new to the forum so hello!
> 
> I'm used to being the one that has all the answers; be it family, work, etc but this one is killing me - Any advice _really _would be greatly appreciated.
> 
> I'm early fifties and have been married for 25 years. I love my wife dearly but (cue eye-rolling) I'm not in love with her. Whilst I couldn't care for her any more than I do, I have simply lost any physical attraction to her - we have become - to my eyes anyway - great friends. She doesn't see it this way and is very much in love with me. *The sex has never been that frequent or good - I don't seem to remember us ever being intimate more than a handful of times a year - maybe in the early days more frequently, but certainly in the last few years, a handful of times. *There's a long story about our sex life; My sex drive was much higher then hers which was very low but I could never broach the subject and did feel rejected sexually........
> 
> We have separated a few months ago and I am in hell - I'm beating myself up for being so shallow; we have a great life (no money issues, great family and friends, etc) and we never argued; we genuinely agreed on pretty much everything from the way we raised the kids to what colour to decorate the lounge -can I really drive a wrecking ball through all of this because I don't fancy her any more? I'm also killing myself at how I am hurting her - she is a wonderful person and I've wounded her deeply.
> 
> I should point out that I have always been of the 'an affair is a betrayal of trust' mindset and a year ago I drifted into an affair with a woman I fell in love with (which has now ended) It's funny, because I don't feel guilty about the affair (my wife doesn't know, btw).
> 
> My question is simply this; I have to make decision as to what to do; do I go back and grin and bear it; accept the fact that I'm not attracted and 'in'-love with her, but do love her; do I accept that sex will probably be a thing of the past, but balance that with all the rest of the good things we have. Or do I leave and take the colossal fall out that will ensue.
> 
> Obviously, what I've given you above is the bare bones - there's tons more, but I'm just keen to get the knee-jerk reaction of the wider community.
> 
> Many thanks
> 
> Dazed1 (and I am!)



But apparently it wasn't bad enough for you to get a divorce sooner. 25 years is a really long time. Why didn't you talk to her about it? It looks like you just wrote her off and had an affair. And your description, IMO, seems a little like rewriting history to me. Not in that it wasn't that many times, but in that you weren't really that bothered by it. Most people (I am HD) would be in total hell, agony and frustration with only a few times per year. I would not stay for 25 years in that situation. What did you do to fix it? Try everything? Do you think she's worth a real chance if you haven't tried everything?



> She doesn't see it this way and is very much in love with me.


This really, really breaks my heart. If you ever wanted her to feel pain for the sexless marriage, then trust me now she is feeling more pain than you can imagine being separated and facing the rest of her life without her husband. Even if you come back it won't be the same and you'll be resentful of her. I wish you hadn't already separated.


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## happyhusband0005

azimuth said:


> And what about her? Does she deserve a chance to work on it? Did she even get one? He may be prepared and excited to face single life in his 50s, but for women that's much harder, and she probably hasn't been planning for this. From her POV it'll look like he wasted the best years of HER life raising his kids and providing stability, cleaning up messes, taking care of sick kids, kid chauffeur, etc, and then after that's done he dumps her for someone younger and hotter. The OP will have to elaborate on what they've tried so far to fix the problems, but it looks like he just had an affair to satisfy himself and is now leaving, not even giving her a chance. I don't think that's fair.


I agree it's not fair, but it is what it is. Going through life with sex a few times a year is horrible, yes he should have raised holy hell about this years ago no doubt, but would it have changed anything, not likely. I can't think of one sexless marriage story I have read here that ended in "ok its all good we're having great sex regularly now".

And she is not blameless here, women all the time say things like I don't want to have to tell him what I need he should know. Well I can tell every wife out there a general rule, if your only having sex a few times a year chances are your husband is very unhappy. She is likely aware of why he left, my guess is they have discussed it numerous times in the past. The thing is someone is only going to stand at your door and knock for so long. Eventually they are going to realize no one is coming to the door and leave. 

It is sad, it is unfair and if there is a chance to fix the problem he should take it, but I think we all know how this situation ends. 

On a separate point I will give a observation I have made. This goes for men and women but I think it is more important for women. It is a very common occurrence that sex lives get spotty after kids come a long we all know that. Well I believe that the use it or lose it rule applies to sex drive in many women. If you don't keep the sexy thoughts close they go away and can prove very difficult to get back. I have kids I understand that it is damn near impossible to keep up the regular sex life once babies come. But you have to keep something going. If you have no energy for real sex ladies masturbate. I mean often, maybe you can only get up the energy and time for sex once a week but you can think some sexy thoughts and masturbate easily in the shower before you fall asleep whenever. I know that is completely counter intuitive to many, but you need to keep something sexual alive in you plus a quick simple orgasm is a great stress reliever. Otherwise once the kids get a little older and there is more room and time for the sex life to come back, after years of putting that part of yourself aside often it doesn't come back. Maintain and cultivate your sexuality through the times when a sex life is secondary, use it or lose it.


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## azimuth

happyhusband0005 said:


> On a separate point I will give a observation I have made. This goes for men and women but I think it is more important for women. It is a very common occurrence that sex lives get spotty after kids come a long we all know that. Well I believe that the use it or lose it rule applies to sex drive in many women. If you don't keep the sexy thoughts close they go away and can prove very difficult to get back. I have kids I understand that it is damn near impossible to keep up the regular sex life once babies come. But you have to keep something going. If you have no energy for real sex ladies masturbate. I mean often, maybe you can only get up the energy and time for sex once a week but you can think some sexy thoughts and masturbate easily in the shower before you fall asleep whenever. I know that is completely counter intuitive to many, but you need to keep something sexual alive in you plus a quick simple orgasm is a great stress reliever. Otherwise once the kids get a little older and there is more room and time for the sex life to come back, after years of putting that part of yourself aside often it doesn't come back. Maintain and cultivate your sexuality through the times when a sex life is secondary, use it or lose it.


Well thanks for mansplaining our sexuality for us women. 🙄 You’re way off the mark for me. I worshiped my husband and wanted him all the time, always made time, and I couldn’t keep my hands off him. He was the one who was way more into his video games, hobbies and sci fi books to want to be with me. I was actually thinking of making a post about that because the more I told him I wanted it, the more he withheld.

As for the OP it seems like they didn’t have discussions and he wasn’t in a lot of pain over the lack of sex. She was good enough for 25 years though. Who knows maybe he sees someone else he can retire with and that’s spurring him to leave now. He also had an affair and said he was in love with his AP so I’m sorry I don’t have a lot of sympathy for him. He runs away from problems instead of facing to fix them.


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## happiness27

Dazed1 said:


> Hi Everybody
> 
> I'm new to the forum so hello!
> 
> I'm used to being the one that has all the answers; be it family, work, etc but this one is killing me - Any advice _really _would be greatly appreciated.
> 
> I'm early fifties and have been married for 25 years. I love my wife dearly but (cue eye-rolling) I'm not in love with her. Whilst I couldn't care for her any more than I do, I have simply lost any physical attraction to her - we have become - to my eyes anyway - great friends. She doesn't see it this way and is very much in love with me. The sex has never been that frequent or good - I don't seem to remember us ever being intimate more than a handful of times a year - maybe in the early days more frequently, but certainly in the last few years, a handful of times. There's a long story about our sex life; My sex drive was much higher then hers which was very low but I could never broach the subject and did feel rejected sexually........
> 
> We have separated a few months ago and I am in hell - I'm beating myself up for being so shallow; we have a great life (no money issues, great family and friends, etc) and we never argued; we genuinely agreed on pretty much everything from the way we raised the kids to what colour to decorate the lounge -can I really drive a wrecking ball through all of this because I don't fancy her any more? I'm also killing myself at how I am hurting her - she is a wonderful person and I've wounded her deeply.
> 
> I should point out that I have always been of the 'an affair is a betrayal of trust' mindset and a year ago I drifted into an affair with a woman I fell in love with (which has now ended) It's funny, because I don't feel guilty about the affair (my wife doesn't know, btw).
> 
> My question is simply this; I have to make decision as to what to do; do I go back and grin and bear it; accept the fact that I'm not attracted and 'in'-love with her, but do love her; do I accept that sex will probably be a thing of the past, but balance that with all the rest of the good things we have. Or do I leave and take the colossal fall out that will ensue.
> 
> Obviously, what I've given you above is the bare bones - there's tons more, but I'm just keen to get the knee-jerk reaction of the wider community.
> 
> Many thanks
> 
> Dazed1 (and I am!)


I think you need to determine what is priority for you. Do you want a pretty much sexless marriage with someone you really like being around otherwise or do you want to have a situation where you can have sex more often in an unknown realm of possibilities? 

Pick one.


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## BluesPower

azimuth said:


> And what about her? Does she deserve a chance to work on it? Did she even get one? He may be prepared and excited to face single life in his 50s, but for women that's much harder, and she probably hasn't been planning for this. From her POV it'll look like he wasted the best years of HER life raising his kids and providing stability, cleaning up messes, taking care of sick kids, kid chauffeur, etc, and then after that's done he dumps her for someone younger and hotter. The OP will have to elaborate on what they've tried so far to fix the problems, but it looks like he just had an affair to satisfy himself and is now leaving, not even giving her a chance. I don't think that's fair.


Golly gee, if she was not so complacent about her marriage and meeting her husbands sexual needs, MAYBE she would not be on the verge of divorce? 

Their marriage has been sexless for a while, how is he to feel about that. Did SHE talk to him about the lack of sex, did she lament being not being sexual, Oh, yeah, no she did not. 

And now that he has had enough HE should for sorry for her? Why is that exactly? 

Yes at 50 it can be harder for a woman, you know why? Because men are not as stupid as they were at 25. The begin to understand their worth as men. And there are so many HOT women that are coming out of sexless marriages that want to ****. 

And we as men are supposed to feel sorry for the woman that could not be bothered to even pretend to take care of their marriage, and the needs of their husbands?

Help me understand your thinking...


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## azimuth

BluesPower said:


> Golly gee, if she was not so complacent about her marriage and meeting her husbands sexual needs, MAYBE she would not be on the verge of divorce?
> 
> Their marriage has been sexless for a while, how is he to feel about that. Did SHE talk to him about the lack of sex, did she lament being not being sexual, Oh, yeah, no she did not.
> 
> And now that he has had enough HE should for sorry for her? Why is that exactly?
> 
> Yes at 50 it can be harder for a woman, you know why? Because men are not as stupid as they were at 25. The begin to understand their worth as men. And there are so many HOT women that are coming out of sexless marriages that want to ****.
> 
> And we as men are supposed to feel sorry for the woman that could not be bothered to even pretend to take care of their marriage, and the needs of their husbands?
> 
> Help me understand your thinking...



You should ask him why he led her to believe he was ok and happy for 25 years. He wasn’t happy but didn’t try or even tell her, or give her a chance to fix?

Yes of course I know there are HD women, I am one. The OP knows too, since he had an affair. But that was ok, since his wife whom he was married to for 25 years and is still in love with him never knew and still doesn’t know the reason for the separation, wasn’t having sex with him. 

The OP came here struggling with the separation. That is why I gave the advice I did. I personally wouldn’t have stayed for 25 years like he did, and I don’t understand why some women and men don’t like sex and put their partner through sexless marriages. That’s just something that doesn’t compute for me as someone who loves sex.

I think we need more information honestly. Why was sexless? What did they try? We’re either one of them unable/unhealthy? Religion? CSA? If it was so bad why didn’t he leave sooner? Was their marriage one where he had affairs on the side and she looked the other way? Now that the hard work of raising kids is over he can dump her, she served her purpose in his life? We need more info if he’s really struggling with it. If he’s not, then yeah divorce, move on, don’t look back.


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## aine

Dazed 1, tell your wife about the affair, then tell her why you did what you did, she will make the decision for you. 

Then enjoy yourself with a hot young thing and all the **** that comes with that. 
Your wife deserves a good man who loves her, cares for every inch of her body which bore children, sacrificed her looks to raise a family, and probably put up with a lot of **** in her lifetime. You do not deserve her. You deserve a hot bimbo who will drop you when a better looking, richer guy comes along. When your new GF finds out exactly what happened to your marriage, forget about lasting relationships. Far away fields are not always green. But whatever.


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## aine

azimuth said:


> And what about her? Does she deserve a chance to work on it? Did she even get one? He may be prepared and excited to face single life in his 50s, but for women that's much harder, and she probably hasn't been planning for this. From her POV it'll look like he wasted the best years of HER life raising his kids and providing stability, cleaning up messes, taking care of sick kids, kid chauffeur, etc, and then after that's done he dumps her for someone younger and hotter. The OP will have to elaborate on what they've tried so far to fix the problems, but it looks like he just had an affair to satisfy himself and is now leaving, not even giving her a chance. I don't think that's fair.


It happens every day, sadly.


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## aine

BluesPower said:


> Golly gee, if she was not so complacent about her marriage and meeting her husbands sexual needs, MAYBE she would not be on the verge of divorce?
> 
> Their marriage has been sexless for a while, how is he to feel about that. Did SHE talk to him about the lack of sex, did she lament being not being sexual, Oh, yeah, no she did not.
> 
> And now that he has had enough HE should for sorry for her? Why is that exactly?
> 
> Yes at 50 it can be harder for a woman, you know why? Because men are not as stupid as they were at 25. The begin to understand their worth as men. And there are so many HOT women that are coming out of sexless marriages that want to ****.
> 
> And we as men are supposed to feel sorry for the woman that could not be bothered to even pretend to take care of their marriage, and the needs of their husbands?
> 
> Help me understand your thinking...



BP, stop projecting! He was the one with the problem, did he every broach the topic with her? He had an affair, that is not the solution. A man of honor would have asked for resolution, if there was none divorced her and the ****ed someone else.


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## BluesPower

azimuth said:


> You should ask him why he led her to believe he was ok and happy for 25 years. He wasn’t happy but didn’t try or even tell her, or give her a chance to fix?
> 
> Yes of course I know there are HD women, I am one. The OP knows too, since he had an affair. But that was ok, since his wife whom he was married to for 25 years and is still in love with him never knew and still doesn’t know the reason for the separation, wasn’t having sex with him.
> 
> The OP came here struggling with the separation. That is why I gave the advice I did. I personally wouldn’t have stayed for 25 years like he did, and I don’t understand why some women and men don’t like sex and put their partner through sexless marriages. That’s just something that doesn’t compute for me as someone who loves sex.
> 
> I think we need more information honestly. Why was sexless? What did they try? We’re either one of them unable/unhealthy? Religion? CSA? If it was so bad why didn’t he leave sooner? Was their marriage one where he had affairs on the side and she looked the other way? Now that the hard work of raising kids is over he can dump her, she served her purpose in his life? We need more info if he’s really struggling with it. If he’s not, then yeah divorce, move on, don’t look back.


This is a reasonable reply and asks some good questions. 

Now, I do believe that OP tried to talk to her about these issues. And, in no way do I condone him having an affair. 

For me, I would have left years ago, if she was unable to embrace her sexuality. Many woman, and men I guess, never do, maybe the just don't really care for sex. 

So yes, I agree more information is needed, but on the other hand, this looks like the standard comfortable wife that does not mind not having sex and because of it, she will get a walk-away-husband. 

But I still say, that if he made a valid attempt to discuss the sexual issues of his marriage with his wife, and she still did not step up, well, she gets what she deserves. And I say the same thing to men, while I have a harder time understanding it, that are not providing for their wife's sexual needs. 

All of this sexless marriage stuff, begging for sex, and all of that, I will never understand. Don't think that I ever will...


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