# Need a Man's Perspective



## Crazytown (Sep 27, 2010)

OK, first let me say that I know I am obsessing over stuff that doesn't matter and I am also in therapy. Just so you know...

I am curious for a man's perspective on this issue. When I was separated from my husband and pursuing a divorce I had several boyfriends. My husband spent the whole separation trying to get me back. This is no exaggeration...he called me at least twice per day during the almost 2 years we were apart. He would beg for me back, tell me he loved me, tell me he missed me etc. He did things for me weekly, like cut my grass, remove snow etc. 

I knew he must be dating but I honestly couldn't figure out how he would have the time to have a girlfriend because he was so involved in my life. 

So, fast forward 2 years and we do get back together. Then I found out about the 4 or 5 girlfriends he had during the separation. These were women who slept over, who were introduced to my son and taken on trips with him.

My question is...if he was sooooo in love with me, why was he doing this stuff with other women? How can a man be that separated from his emotions? Was it just sex? Is that possible to be so detached?

What he said to me was that I told him to move on, he was trying to move on but that he never had feelings for any of these women. In fact he lost dating partners due to his obsession with me. For some reason I am not happy with this answer and want more male opinions.


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## jamesa (Oct 22, 2010)

I can only guess at what I would feel like if I were in his situation, as it has not happened to me. I think that I would do exactly what he did, well, maybe I would be too proud to beg, but I would try to build a life with a new woman. 

I can pefectly imagine forcing myself to try again and again while still holding a torch for my wife.


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## Orion (Jul 17, 2010)

Crazytown said:


> OK, first let me say that I know I am obsessing over stuff that doesn't matter and I am also in therapy. Just so you know...
> 
> I am curious for a man's perspective on this issue. When I was separated from my husband and pursuing a divorce I had several boyfriends. My husband spent the whole separation trying to get me back. This is no exaggeration...he called me at least twice per day during the almost 2 years we were apart. He would beg for me back, tell me he loved me, tell me he missed me etc. He did things for me weekly, like cut my grass, remove snow etc.
> 
> ...


Crazytown,

Feel free to take this with a grain of salt but your husband sounds very immature and I believe that is the main issue. Here's the thing, some men don't want to move on from a relationship because they do not ever want the woman to "experience" another man after them. Even though they are not with the woman anymore, they do not want the woman to have anyone else. It's possible that your husband's constant checking in and pursuing you was an attempt to stop you from moving on and experiencing another man. And, he then figured that he would stay with you. I would wager that if he knew for a fact that you would NEVER be with another man after him, his pursuit would not have happened.

As far as how could he have other girlfriends if he loved you, I don't think that he was "loving" you at that time. At least, not in the way that we view love. He was more consumed with a) his desire to have other women and b) his need to keep you from moving on. I think that love was on the back-burner for him. I mean, you and he were having issues and he took the opportunity to sow some oats. I will say that I don't think that all of them were "just sex". If your man is sloppy enough to introduce any random woman to his kids then perhaps it was just sex. But many men aren't trying to have women all around their kids unless she is a candidate for something more than just the bedroom. I hope this helps. Good luck.


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## Crazytown (Sep 27, 2010)

Ouch. lol.
Well, I agree he is very immature. And I do think he was starved fo love and companionship. He admitted as much. He also told me that he liked the attention from these women. His mother told me he treated all women like sh*t when we were apart too. 

I guess I have trouble coming to grips with the fact that he could care about anyone else while expressing his "love" for me. I was "in love" with another man and I can't stand to picture if he had those feelings for someone else. Double standard but that's how I feel.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Men can compartamentalize and separate love from sex.

Women, not so much.

So I would guess that it was just sex.

But since you dated also, why is it an issue? You mentioned that you know it's a double-standard, you're going to have to get over it if you want your reconciliation to work.

JMHO.


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## Crazytown (Sep 27, 2010)

I know I need to get over it. I have OCD tendencies and I guess my current obsession is with his exes. It's hard for me to let go but I know I need to in order for this to work.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Crazytown said:


> I know I need to get over it. I have OCD tendencies and I guess my current obsession is with his exes. It's hard for me to let go but I know I need to in order for this to work.


You're in counselling, that's a step in the right direction - keep it up!


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

For what it is worth ....

When I was 18, my long term (year and a half) girlfriend broke up with me. I was devastated and hurt. I spent the next year, running around like a chicken with my head cut off. During this time, I slept with lots of different girls. It was like I was trying to cure the pain with sex. I was trying to feel love, because I was hurting so bad. I think part of it was that I was trying to prove to myself and others that I was good at sex and that sex wasn't the reason she left me. 

The strange thing is I wasn't chasing after women. They were coming to me, almost like they were also trying to cure my pain as most all of them were aware of my girlfriend and our breakup.

Fast forward a couple of years and I met my future wife. We have been married some 23 years and while we are not without issues, we also have a great relationship.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

SadSamIAm said:


> For what it is worth ....
> 
> When I was 18, my long term (year and a half) girlfriend broke up with me. I was devastated and hurt. I spent the next year, running around like a chicken with my head cut off. During this time, I slept with lots of different girls. It was like I was trying to cure the pain with sex. I was trying to feel love, because I was hurting so bad. I think part of it was that I was trying to prove to myself and others that I was good at sex and that sex wasn't the reason she left me.
> 
> ...


Great story and perfect response to the OP! :smthumbup:


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## Crazytown (Sep 27, 2010)

SadSamIam- I think that you hit the nail on the head. I think that was his experience as well. Based on what other people told me he had a broken heart. He told me that too of course. He also said that girls would pay attention to him and it felt good, not that he was chasing them. He also said he was so messed up in the head that he did stupid stuff like having a girl he was with for one week sleep over in front of my son (not in bed together though). Plus the fact that YOU were 18 doing this and my husband is about 18 mentally (lol) I think I understand this better.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

I am glad my story helps you to understand your husband.

Get used to your husband being 18 .... I don't think men every 'grow up'. We may lose our hair and get a few wrinkles, but inside, we are really the same little boys we always were. Be thankful, just think how boring it would be married to some old guy.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Crazytown said:


> I am curious for a man's perspective on this issue. When I was separated from my husband and pursuing a divorce I had several boyfriends. My husband spent the whole separation trying to get me back. This is no exaggeration...he called me at least twice per day during the almost 2 years we were apart. He would beg for me back, tell me he loved me, tell me he missed me etc. He did things for me weekly, like cut my grass, remove snow etc.
> 
> I knew he must be dating but I honestly couldn't figure out how he would have the time to have a girlfriend because he was so involved in my life.


If you found time to date while he was involved in your life, then why couldn't he find the time himself?

If he was not there 24/7 at your place, there is time.



Crazytown said:


> So, fast forward 2 years and we do get back together. Then I found out about the 4 or 5 girlfriends he had during the separation. These were women who slept over, who were introduced to my son and taken on trips with him.
> 
> My question is...if he was sooooo in love with me, why was he doing this stuff with other women? How can a man be that separated from his emotions? Was it just sex? Is that possible to be so detached?
> 
> What he said to me was that I told him to move on, he was trying to move on but that he never had feelings for any of these women. In fact he lost dating partners due to his obsession with me. For some reason I am not happy with this answer and want more male opinions.


Accept his answers, they are true.

I don't see why you have such a problem with his answers. You were with other guys during your separation. And he was with other women.

You and he found a way to get back together. Moving forward isn't that what you want?

If I were you I'd focus on that. Not on whether or not he was in love with them or if he liked the sex, etc.

Does he question you in the same way?

If he does, same answer. Forget about it, focus on what you have now.


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## Crazytown (Sep 27, 2010)

No he doesn't question me anymore. We both want to move forward but then something will happen to trigger one of us. For example, he ran into one of my exes at the store. He can't believe I would be with this person and is grossed out by it (this guy is a totally different type than my husband). I have had instances like this too. I picture this one woman and she is not attractive, she doesn't work, lives off child support and welfare; she is a loser basically and I think why on earth did my husband sleep with THAT??? 

BTW- we are in couples counsleing too. I think time will heal this, like I said my OCD is flaring up or something lol.


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## Nekko (Oct 13, 2009)

I'm not a guy so maybe i shouldn't butt in. But i'll say it anyway (because maybe it helps, since i am human). When i thought my guy would leave me i already started staring around for other guys, constantly. It was a sort of "fill the void" and keep busy kind of thing and a defense mechanism (i was afraid of being alone). 

Probably the first thing i'd do if i ever broke up with my husband was to go have meaningless sex with a guy (eventually treat him like crap and like an object). Might not sound good that i say this and might not actually do it, but that's my first reflex. When you're lonely you desperately feel the need to have someone around and at the same time you want to treat them like junk because a person of the same sex hurt you. 

Which would probably explain this :"His mother told me he treated all women like sh*t when we were apart too."


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## Crazytown (Sep 27, 2010)

Good explanation Nekko. Thanks. I think that sounds pretty close...


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Crazytown said:


> OK, first let me say that I know I am obsessing over stuff that doesn't matter and I am also in therapy. Just so you know...
> 
> I am curious for a man's perspective on this issue. When I was separated from my husband and pursuing a divorce I had several boyfriends. My husband spent the whole separation trying to get me back. This is no exaggeration...he called me at least twice per day during the almost 2 years we were apart. He would beg for me back, tell me he loved me, tell me he missed me etc. He did things for me weekly, like cut my grass, remove snow etc.
> 
> ...



You’re H’s answer sounds reasonable to me. Not because it’s the way I would have gone about things, just that it sounds reasonable.

I wonder what answer you would be “happy” with? With these things we can keep on looking for the answer we want and accept that one and not the one we’re actually given by the person involved. By not accepting your H’s answer you are in effect denying the person he is plus you’re calling him a liar!



Do you not think you are not “happy” purely because he slept with other women?


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

Crazytown - You may want to consider yourself LUCKY that he dated. If he hadn't, and had spent 2 years celibate pursuing you, while you dated and presumably slept with other men, you'd likely find yourself with an extremely insecure and angry husband. 

When I was separated, also for about two years (in two separations), I dated but kept myself emotionally available to my wife. Now that we're back together, I still trigger around her other lovers but I remind myself that I was also with other women. If I didn't have those experiences, I would feel a hell of a lot of resentment once the euphoria of getting back together faded.

KWIM?

BTW: I think your line of thinking is very selfish. Why do you feel entitled to have been with other men, but feel your husband should have denied himself. You may want to explore that in therapy.


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## ThunderBritches (Dec 16, 2010)

Crazytown said:


> *I was "in love" with another man *and I can't stand to picture if he had those feelings for someone else.
> Then I found out about the 4 or 5 girlfriends he had during the separation. *These were women who slept over, who were introduced to my son and taken on trips with him.*


You are wondering if his relationships meant more than yours did.



It's sounds like during your separation:

You had sex.

He had relationships. 

It's no wonder you worry.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

seeking sanity said:


> I think your line of thinking is very selfish. Why do you feel entitled to have been with other men, but feel your husband should have denied himself. You may want to explore that in therapy.


Totally agree with this!:iagree:


Crazytown said:


> So, fast forward 2 years and we do get back together. Then I found out about the 4 or 5 girlfriends he had during the separation. These were women who slept over, who were introduced to my son and taken on trips with him.
> 
> My question is...if he was sooooo in love with me, why was he doing this stuff with other women? How can a man be that separated from his emotions? Was it just sex? Is that possible to be so detached?


Crazytown, come on, you have to be serious & realistic here. We are talking about a devestated Man, lost & lonely "missing the love of his life" . What did you expect him to do while you had many boyfriends during those 2 years?? That in itself was KILLING him. But he didnt give up!! 

I would totally believe every word he has said to you about all of this, he has the ACTIONS (cutting your grass, calling every day, being there for you so much that you felt he had no time for others) to prove this truth. He was still very very very much in love WITH YOU. And there you was, having many other men, he knew he might never get you back & be forced to move on himself. Why not have a few girlfriends to TRY desperately to get over you, I would think him crazy not too. Althouogh I am not a man, they are very capable of 
separatately Love from needing a release, or being with others when missing ONE woman and one alone. 

You are very blessed, Love Him & cherish him forever. You both made mistakes, but it seems to me the blunders are totally equal. Do you love him as MUCh as he loves you, that is my question?


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## discouraged1 (Mar 16, 2010)

He was just banging the skanks while trying to land this "hot" chick (you)....
Honestly he was trying to move forward but felt such great attraction (love) he had to keep trying to win you back.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

You are looking for a 'guarantee' about his love to satisfy your anxiety about life/everything. 

Remember, there are no guarantees. Take what you have now: his time, his commitment, his avowed love.

Asking the question was letting the OCD take over. You want reassurance that you are #1. All the reassurance in the world means nothing. What matters is the day-to-day unfolding of your lives together. Live in the moment, and redirect your thoughts when you start to obsess. Takes practice and medication, but it works. Good luck.


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## Crazytown (Sep 27, 2010)

Thank you all for your input. I KNOW I am being selfish. The problem is I can't stop these movies that are playing in my head. I am doing everything I can (medication, therapy, couples counseling) but about once a month (usually THAT time of the month) I am overwhelmed with these obsessive thoughts.
I know I need to forget about them, live in the moment, etc but it is easier said than done...


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Crazytown said:


> The problem is I can't stop these movies that are playing in my head. I am doing everything I can (medication, therapy, couples counseling) but about once a month (usually THAT time of the month) I am overwhelmed with these obsessive thoughts.


 Oh I sure know what you mean here ! I also feel like my brain goes in overdrive during the few days before my monthly. From reading, there is evidence that certain parts of the female brain is OVER-ACTIVE often getting stuck on particular thoughts -patterns, this is why men would like to stay away from us! My husband jokes he would like to put me in a cage sometimes during this part of the month - And put some duct tape over my mouth to boot. 

Write yourself a healing letter about all he has done for you in the past, what he is doing for you now, how he shows his love for you daily. Do this when you are thinking clear & feeling overwhelmed in his love. Then when you start feeling like this (when the brain starts acting up), get this letter out & read it back to yourself, assuring yourself this is Your hormones out of whack & not the reality of the situation.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

>>My husband jokes he would like to put me in a cage sometimes during this part of the month - And put some duct tape over my mouth to boot.<<

Sounds pretty dominant to me.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Crazytown said:


> Thank you all for your input. I KNOW I am being selfish. The problem is I can't stop these movies that are playing in my head. I am doing everything I can (medication, therapy, couples counseling) but about once a month (usually THAT time of the month) I am overwhelmed with these obsessive thoughts.
> I know I need to forget about them, live in the moment, etc but it is easier said than done...



Maybe your thoughts just need replacing? Get really busy doing something else. Find a new challenge in your life and focus on that. Maybe some “life ambition” that you, education, art, charity work that sort of thing. Idle minds, hands and all that!


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

That was funny Conrad. I am probably the one who started the cage comment about myself accually, but he refers to it time & time again. 

Here is a link explaining how our Cingulate Gyrus can become overactive during PMS. These examples are pretty extreme though. I do not think this is the norm. BUt still there are changes within our thinking due to our hormones. IT helps to understand this as it will pass. 
Images of PMS – Amen Clinics


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## chefmaster (Oct 30, 2010)

Crazytown said:


> Thank you all for your input. I KNOW I am being selfish. The problem is I can't stop these movies that are playing in my head. I am doing everything I can (medication, therapy, couples counseling) but about once a month (usually THAT time of the month) I am overwhelmed with these obsessive thoughts.
> I know I need to forget about them, live in the moment, etc but it is easier said than done...


You can prepare yourself.

Have you defined the precise emotion(s) that you feel while the movies are playing and why you are feeling that way?

Try it with the 15 listed below, if you're not comfortable posting the answers here on the board you can PM me or just evaluate it yourself to help narrow down WHY it's so obsessive. Or, of course, take it to your counseling session to better explain your problem.

Consider each one thoroughly and ask yourself am I feeling this, and if so...why?

disappointment
disgust
envy
exasperation
horror
irritation
neglect
nervousness
rage
sadness
shame
suffering
surprise
sympathy
torment
-----------
[Emotion]


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## kclqueens (Dec 19, 2010)

hi
get over it.
move on.
be nice to eachother.
stop talking about the past.
try your best to not breakup/separate again.
die happy.

best wishes


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

During those 2 years you allowed him to pursue you. You certainly didn't actively discourage him. And yet during that time you yourself slept with several boyfriends. 

In a sense you were both looking for an "upgrade" that never happened and now are back together. Either you want to be with him or you don't. Stop thinking about the past - you are both guilty.





Crazytown said:


> OK, first let me say that I know I am obsessing over stuff that doesn't matter and I am also in therapy. Just so you know...
> 
> I am curious for a man's perspective on this issue. When I was separated from my husband and pursuing a divorce I had several boyfriends. My husband spent the whole separation trying to get me back. This is no exaggeration...he called me at least twice per day during the almost 2 years we were apart. He would beg for me back, tell me he loved me, tell me he missed me etc. He did things for me weekly, like cut my grass, remove snow etc.
> 
> ...


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

MEM11363 said:


> During those 2 years you allowed him to pursue you. You certainly didn't actively discourage him. And yet during that time you yourself slept with several boyfriends.
> 
> In a sense you were both looking for an "upgrade" that never happened and now are back together. Either you want to be with him or you don't. Stop thinking about the past - you are both guilty.


Total agreement.

Grow up.


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## Crazytown (Sep 27, 2010)

Simplyamourous- Great advice I will have to get to writing.

chefmaster- "disgust" and "torment" I identified with the most. That's because I can't stand to picture him with someone else. The one I think about is the one that I mentioned before- she's not attractive and a real loser. I don't obsess over the other ones as much because I only know names, no details.
I know it's not rational because yes I slept with different men too. He should actually be more disturbed because I was "in love" with a man and told him. He only had one and two week "relationships". 


Update- we had a long talk this weekend. He had been feeling the same way about some of my past relationships. He got triggered washing our sheets (picturing another man in my bed) 
He was very understanding and once again reassured me. He reminded me that he dropped any girl immediatley who didn't like him doing stuff for me or talking to me so much. He reminded me that I told him to move on and find someone else because I was happy and in love with another man. He said he tried to date but never clicked with anyone. The circumstances around my son were not what I beleived either. He introduced these people as friends and they slept separately. They had kids too and the only way to see each other was all together. And, both happened only one or two instances. So, I understand. He was hurting and needed companionship.
See I am rational again already. LOL.


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## drdrfor (Dec 20, 2010)

You two are either getting together again, or you're not. If you want the new try to work, drop all the crap about who did what to whom; it's a dead-end. Sounds like the both of you have dirt under your nails, if you get my meaning. Neither of you will gain anything by trying to point out the other's dirty fingers. 

Move past the time and what you did while you were separated or move on.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Put each other in each others shoes...... wait you guys did. 

Your H bailed you out, that says alot and to stay in the past is wrong. What if your H stayed in the past? Would he have been there? 

Please move on, me & DS did and its been awsome! think about getting old together, the future, the new behaviors that were created from lessons learned from the past.

Good luck!


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## chefmaster (Oct 30, 2010)

Crazytown said:


> See I am rational again already. LOL.


Yes you are  and it's sounds like you're getting a handle on the situation too.


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