# Female who has slowly lost her soul! Am I wrong?



## lost_soul412 (Oct 10, 2012)

Hello – I’m new here and am hoping to gain some good and solid advice like I’ve read you providing to others. Now this is long so bear with me. I’m trying to condense it as much as possible but don’t want to leave out any important details:

I’ve been with my live in boyfriend for four years now. In the beginning things were wonderful. He was an amazing and wonderful man. Things progressed rather quickly because we were so “into” each other. He is recently divorced and has two younger daughters with his ex wife. I have one daughter who is in college. 

About a year into our relationship he started showing “signs” of infidelity. I’ve been cheated on in the past so I sort of know what to look for and I always seem to have my guard up. Well, I decided to check our cell phone records and found that he had been calling and texting his ex girlfriend. This is the girl he dated before me and right after he separated from his wife. Well when I called her and confronted her she said that she didn’t know who he was, etc. etc. When I confronted him about the number he said it was his boss’s wife. Well, it turns out that I find out it wasn’t his bosses wife. I found out that he called his ex and told her that if I called again for her to say that it in fact was his boss’s wife. So he actually took the time to call her to tell her that and then she lied for him when I called her again.

Anyway, there have been a number of situations in where he was contacting ex girlfriend through text behind my back. He works with one of them so I attributed it to maybe working issues.

I decided to move on from that. From that point though it was always in the back of my head so I would question things and whenever I did he would lose it on me. Never took the time to reassure. That made the situation even worse. He would make me feel that I was crazy for asking questions.

Well about two years ago I was working (I bartend) and I got a call from a friend of mine asking where I was because he just saw my guy at the bar with another woman. Now, that day I had a strange eerie feeling in my gut. Just like I knew that something bad was going on or going to happen. My boyfriend told me that my friend was lying. That he just wanted to be with me and break us up. My friend wasn’t lying. He called my daughter at around 11:30 at night to get my number. Then my friend said that he saw my boyfriend at the bar that my boyfriend actually said he was. I asked my friend who she was and he said some new woman who transferred to their company. They all work together. My friend, my boyfriend and this chick. Of course, it was a lie and he made me believe that it could possibly be so what did I do? I let it go..sort of.

A year after he was acting strange again, I was noticing white semen stains and sex stains on his underwear from days that we weren’t together all day and I got suspicious again. Checked the cell phone records and saw a number that he was texting like crazy. Did a reverse cell look up and found out that this is the woman that he was seen with at the bar. They had been texting constantly all day long until 5:00 when I got off of worked. The texting stopped. Of course I confronted him about it and they were just “friends”. A female friend (who is 12 years older than him) that my boyfriend decided to never tell me about. When I called her to confront her and ask her who she was she wouldn’t tell me. Got really defensive and said that I needed to ask my boyfriend who she was and that they’re just friends. Hung up on me. Defensive I’m assuming because she was caught. Anyway, he said he never told me about her because it was nothing serious, etc. etc. and nothing for me to be concerned about. Guess what? I let it go because he made me feel like “hmmmm…well maybe? What if I’m over reacting?”

I let it go. A few months down the road I was praying on it because of all of the signs and I wasn’t strong enough to leave. Well, after I dropped him off to the airport for a business trip I came home and he accidentally left his personal email up. To me, it was sign from God and I had to check. Well I found an email exchange between the two of them. It was her saying how she was sorry that she couldn’t talk long. That her phone was dying and that he’s going to have to call her from another phone because she knows that I check the records and he can’t or he’ll get caught. She said how she seemed so happy because she wasn’t as messed up over him like she was before. That she’s hoping he can know the REAL her now and that if he ever needs a friend that she could be a good one to him if he wanted to let her in. She said it was nice seeing you today. You still look handsome.

Well I called him while he was out of town and confronted him and he hung up on me. Wouldn’t talk to me about it. Kept texting me though on how much he loved me and it’s not what it seems, etc. etc. Well, when I finally did talk to him he told me that she had a major crush on him which is why she was so “messed” up over him. That he loved me and that he would never hurt me, etc. I told him so after I found out that you guys were texting you told her to stop texting because I was on to you and you decided to give her your personal email address to keep in touch?! How deceitful is that?!

I decided at that point to move out from our home. I couldn’t take it anymore. I had had enough. Well guess what? I found I was pregnant the week after I moved out and decided to forgive because of my “situation”. Well, I had a miscarriage about a month later.

Him and I met for ****tails one night and I could tell he didn’t really want to be there. He was acting very strange and started arguing with me. Told me that things were feeling “heavy” and that he just wanted me to take him home. Well I asked him why he was acting so suspicious and he started calling me crazy. To leave him alone, etc. etc. He threw me out of the house that we once lived in. I had a horrible feeling all night. I couldn’t sleep and woke up in panic and anxiety. I decided to drive by his house at about 7:00 am and there was a car in the driveway that I never saw. Well, I got out of the car and looked into the window and there was a girl standing there. Buttoning her shirt up! I was so traumatized and shocked..I didn’t know what to do. I walked around the back and he left the key in the door. So I walked in and on the living room floor there was a bed made and wine glasses, etc. I heard him upstairs saying to her “so are you just going to stay here?” and I started to walk upstairs and he walked down..he said what the hell are you doing here!? I said what the hell is going on and proceeded to go upstairs. Well, I walked into the room and guess who it was? It was his ex girlfriend. The one that he was with before me. I asked who she was because I couldn’t recognize her at first and she said “why don’t you ask everyone else?” Not sure what that meant. Doesn’t even matter…

I went downstairs and I seriously went to lose it on him and he grabbed me by the arm and threw me out of the house..didn’t say a word to me..said “come on, you gotta go”. This is the man that I had spent years of my life with. A week exactly after I had a miscarriage. I was so torn and traumatized. I left feeling like a zombie. 

I was hysterical. Called friends and family. He called me about thirty minutes after I left and said he didn’t touch her. That he happened to run into her at a bar in the area and she needed a place to stay because she was too drunk. I know that she lives about an hour away. I guess that explains the bed made on the floor and the wine glasses, right?

Well guess what? Out of fear of losing him for some reason I made myself believe his lies…

I’ve never let it go…he moved back in with me into the apartment that I moved to. He shaped up a lot. Got really sweet. Talked about marriage and for some sick twisted reason I believed him. 

Well, as of late. Things have been really rocky again. I don’t trust him so I question everything he does. The thing is though whenever something comes up he will not reassure me. He’ll say that I need to let it go because it’s the past and I need to stop acting crazy. I decided to check the cell records and he texted the older lady that he was seen out with that wasn’t so “messed up over him anymore” and of course when I confronted him it’s all work related. I asked him to let me see the texts and he deleted them. I told him that it looks horrible and like he’s up to something and he said it’s not a conspiracy. You’re crazy and make up all these conspiracies in your head. I told him that after all that’s happened of course I’m going to feel that way! Why can’t he just reassure me. He said I didn’t deserve it because I question him on everything. He said that he doesn’t know what I do because he can’t check my cell records. I told him he has no reason to not trust me! I’ve never done anything to him!

So yesterday we got into a huge argument because I wanted to talk about why he’s distant, etc. I sent him a long email expressing how I’m feeling and of course he tells me that I’m crazy, I’m a b*tch and c*unt and crazy and he doesn’t know why he’s with me, etc. etc.

I told him you’re with me because you’re using me. You have no car, a place to live and I’m wonderful to your daughter. I act like your wife and take care of you when I shouldn’t be, etc. etc. and all I’m doing is asking for reassurance after all that’s happened. He doesn’t understand how it looks bad to me. He won’t reassure though.

He made me feel so bad. I’m just at a point that I know that things are not looking good. I’m so afraid to leave and “lose” him to someone else because I know the good he has in him and he’s made me feel like if I would just shut up then things would be good. He said he would respect me when I earned it.

I’d like to mention that he has also been physically abusive at times and has threatened as well. Of course he makes me feel that I MADE him do it because I bother him so much and that if I’d just keep my mouth shut, etc. etc.

Am I wrong in any of this? I don’t know what to do? I feel like this is all my fault. That I’ve pushed him into the arms of another woman because I’m not normal.

I really am sorry for the long thread but I’m not sure who else to reach out to for advice. If my family knew about this they would be traumatized and I don’t ever want them hurt.

I look forward to hearing from some of you on whether it’s me? Am I wrong? What can I do to fix it? Should I just make him leave? My heart is breaking because I keep thinking that maybe if I just “live” like he wants me to and take things day by day that things would change. I love him. This is killing me.

I know I should be stronger as I’m an attractive woman with a great job, am so good to him and his daughters, etc. I’m torn though. Because I feel as if I’m to blame for the demise of our relationship. Because I’m obsessive and crazy.

Thank you so much in advance!!!


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## Jeffery (Oct 8, 2012)

your not obsessive or crazy he is a serial cheater, very selfish


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## lost_soul412 (Oct 10, 2012)

I'm bumping this up. I'm really hoping to hear from more people as I've seen there are over 76 views. I really need advice on how to go about this, please.


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## MisterRitter (Sep 1, 2012)

From your post it sounds like he is a serial cheater, you are not crazy, and the best thing for you to do would be to get out. Easy to say from the outside I know.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Wow. Just wow?

This guy has been lying and cheating on you every day you've been together. He tells lies lies and more lies. You catch him with a girl , the ex you've suspected before, and still take him back,

He must be either the most amazing lover ever or the best sweet talker ever.

My advice dump him cold. Let him use someone else as the recipient of his lies and cheating.


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## notperfectanymore (Mar 1, 2012)

Ok, so you have lived in denial for a long time...all that "letting it go" is denial....YOU DESERVE BETTER! Promise


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

lost_soul412 said:


> I'm bumping this up. I'm really hoping to hear from more people as I've seen there are over 76 views. I really need advice on how to go about this, please.


It sounds as if you are not married and have no biological children in this relationship. 

This man sounds abusive physically and emotionally. 

You have nothing much invested in this relationship. 

It seems like about two years???

If your not married, bail now.

Why waste your time with a guy who is already acting like and ass hat and you two aren't even married. 

You can get plenty of dates on Match.com, if you don't have time to look for a relationship. 

I know about ten people who found a great guy or gal that way. 

Do yourself a favor and let him go.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

lost_soul412 you actually already know what to do here. I'm pretty sure you do. Are you hoping someone comes along and tell you he will change?

Chances are it will not happen. People with his sort of behavior rarely change and you should not overestimate your ability to change his ways. 

Now, if you are good with an open relationship, that's one thing. If you're not, then you're in for continuous pain. Unless you just jump that ship.


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## Unsure in Seattle (Sep 6, 2011)

You caught him in the act! Cut bait.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

*He is a serial cheater. 

Dump him.*

Btw when she said:


> “why don’t you ask everyone else?


 this means to me that he has been flaunting her to all his friends.

Let toxic man and toxic chick have each other.

Oh. Do please get STD tested.


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## bribrius (Jun 29, 2012)

you arent in a committed relationship. im also a little amazed you broke into his house and seem to be stalking him.
unless he made a specific, straight out commitment to you, then you need to know where the line is drawn.
if you dont want to be with him. dont. But i had a girlfriend that acted like you once (she broke into my house too) and i wasnt happy. Because he has a right to do whatever he wants. He isnt married. you have a right to leave. That is your only right. you are going beyond the boundaries with the questions, stalking, and definatley breaking into his house. That is flat out against the law. Questioning all these other people, they are acting like this toward you because they look at it as none of your business. They lie to you because it isnt any of your business. Everyone sees this as you are basically on again, off again dating. But you. you are are the one that doesnt seem to understand the situation. he can see, whoever he wants. You arent even married. Understanding how you feel, i think you need to separate yourself, for you own good as well as his. And everyone he knows as you running around being this way i am sure is making everyone he knows uncomfortable. And they dont want to talk to you. You are the one outside of the circle. Not him, and not them. you are the outsider.
For the extent he is using you, he probably is. But it still doesnt give you all these rights to check, read, question, give people the third degree or break into his house. If a guy acted like you are they would probably be arrested for stalking and harassment.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

2 words:
*DUMP HIM!*


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## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

Lost Soul, I am so sorry you are suffering so much.

Yes, it is your fault. You allowed, trained, him to disregard you and have repeatedly reinforced this within your relationship. Many of us have done this. You are not alone.

His cheating and lying? That isn't your fault. You didn't do something that deserved such treatment. There isn't anything wrong with you. There is something wrong with him.

You need to realize you are a volunteer, not a victim of this man. You knew better. You have many years of happiness out there, a bright future full of love. I seriously doubt though it will ever happen with this guy. Stop the insanity and move on.

*hugs*


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I do suggest you get yourself some professional counseling, someone who has dealt with abused women. The fact that you kept taking him back, and trying to make it work,and yet still blame yourself is neither healthy nor the way things should be seen.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

I'm going to restrain myself here, God is telling you to dump him, now, forever, no ifs, ands, or buts.

Get into counselling to get some perspective, esteem and self respect. Start reading books to help with this. I'll suggest you start with The Art of Loving, by Erich Fromm. Please, don't torture yourself anymore. Get him out of your life. If he threatens you, or touches you again, call the police and press charges. I beg of you, please do this. You deserve better, please believe it.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

And please completely ignore bribrius's post.
You have been gaslighted heavily. You are displaying poor boundaires in the sense you are not protecting yourself enough against this user, not about the snooping a BFF who with one side of the mouth claims loving you but lie and cheat on your back.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

bribrius said:


> you arent in a committed relationship. im also a little amazed you broke into his house and seem to be stalking him.
> unless he made a specific, straight out commitment to you, then you need to know where the line is drawn.
> if you dont want to be with him. dont. But i had a girlfriend that acted like you once (she broke into my house too) and i wasnt happy. Because he has a right to do whatever he wants. He isnt married. you have a right to leave. That is your only right. you are going beyond the boundaries with the questions, stalking, and definatley breaking into his house. That is flat out against the law. Questioning all these other people, they are acting like this toward you because they look at it as none of your business. They lie to you because it isnt any of your business. Everyone sees this as you are basically on again, off again dating. But you. you are are the one that doesnt seem to understand the situation. he can see, whoever he wants. You arent even married. Understanding how you feel, i think you need to separate yourself, for you own good as well as his. And everyone he knows as you running around being this way i am sure is making everyone he knows uncomfortable. And they dont want to talk to you. You are the one outside of the circle. Not him, and not them. you are the outsider.
> For the extent he is using you, he probably is. But it still doesnt give you all these rights to check, read, question, give people the third degree or break into his house. If a guy acted like you are they would probably be arrested for stalking and harassment.


Bribrius, did you answer the question posed by the OP or did you just decide to pretend she was your ex-girl friend that you still seem to have issues with?

The OP and her BF are living together. In most jurisdictions that would give her right of abode. 

And if the door was left insecure or open and she has property in the house and it has been her place of residence for several years, then it is unlikely that it was 'breaking into the house.'


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

He's physically abusive - time to kick him out before he kills you. Call law enforcement when you do to to keep yourself safe. Change the locks. Get an RO.

Good luck.


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## lost_soul412 (Oct 10, 2012)

Hello all and THANK you for the responses! Yes, you are all right and he needs to go. I can confirm this even more. 

He has recently had his car repo'd and only see's his daughter once every other weekend. Anyway, I told him today that I'd take him to look for cars and this weekend. I asked him what he had going on and he was upset about that. Said that he's not sure of what he has going on within the next hour, next day, next week or month. I said, ok fine. I told him that he could use my car this weekend and he said he didn't want to rely on me for anything. So I said so you feel like you're relying on me for things? Would you even be living with me if you had the means to move out right now and a car? He said "there you go again. Asking dumb questions that mean absolutely nothing". I said I'm sorry but I need to know where my life is headed. It's ok to ask these things. Especially when you're acting distant and texting a woman that you had an inappropriate relationship with. He again said that it wasn't an inappropriate relationship, blah blah blah.

Well I get home today and he's drinking beer. I said I could use one to . I was planning on having a ****tail when I got in because my day was so hectic. He said my daughter wants me to pick her up. I said do you want to go today or tomorrow? Because I could go with you tomorrow. I'll get off of work early and everything. He didn't say much. So I came out and asked him what he wanted to do. I gave him a chance to go. He didn't.

Anyway, I had one beer and stopped drinking becasue my stomach started hurting. He said, I thought you were going to drink with me. He said I didn't pick up my daughter because you said you wanted to drink. I said I told you to pick up your daughter. Why are you blaming me for this? I told him that I can't continue to take the blame for all of the bad in his life. That I'm the one who helps him, etc. He told me to stop talking and I told him that I'm not done. That I'm hurt that he makes me out to be some evil person. I told him that I'm only here to help him. 

He got upset. Said that he just wanted to eat his dinner and to leave him alone. Walked towards our bedroom and kicked the door in. I went back there and said did you break the door? He said I hope so!

I told him at that point to get the hell out. I don't want him here. He grabbed his food and just ate it.

Then he comes out and I tried to calmly talk to him. I said, I'm not here to hurt you. I'm here to help you and I'm sick and tired of you making me out to be some evil crazy person. He said why are you saying this to me now? When I'm drunk? I said it doesn't matter if I tell you when drunk or sober! I'm telling you because I'm hurt. When I told you that I would help you find a car earlier..that doesn't make me a bad person. When I told you I'd go with you to get the girls and take off of work early so we can get there sooner than later..that doesn't make me a bad person. When I told you that I want to get pumpkins to carve with the girls this weekend. That doesn't make me a bad person.

I told him that it's not fair. That I can't win with him. He's unreachable. I told him that he doesn't appreciate anything that I do and he never has anything good to say. He never even thanks me! He said "oh because I'm living the high life with you , right?" I said I'm not iiving the high life with you either! What is that you want from me?! If you're not living the high life, WHY are you here?!?! He didn't have an answer as usual. Just his demeaning smirk that says "you're crazy"!

I told him that I can't do it anymore. That I can't keep talking about this. He said, "yah you said that last time so why are you saying it again?" I told him that it's MY fault that he thinks of me that way. But that I've had it. He said that he "let the argument" go along time ago. Why am I still talking? I told him to stop dismissing my feelings. And to stop walking around with that grandiose sense of entitlement. To get rid of that smirk because it's not funny.

He's just laying in the bedroom. Just laughted at everything that I said.

I'm seriously just fed up. I understand that yes, I may drive him crazy with wanting to "talk" and figure things out but that's who I am! I communicate! That's what people in healthy relationships do! Right?

If he would just TALK for once than maybe I'd stop. But he won't. He doesn't care to.

He really doesn't care about me. He is a true narcissist. It hurts me because no, we don't have a mansion but I'm proud of my place and all of the hard work that I've done to get here. If he's not living the "high life" why and the HELL is he with me!?!?!?

I just want him out. I feel like feels that there is better out there for him and that crushes my heart and self esteem because I've given this man 150%! What is "better" for him? My self esteem is shot. What does he expect? So now on top of everything else he doesn't like his surroundings? They're not good enough?!

I'm honestly afraid to tell him to leave right now because he's drunk. 

I'm also afraid of him leaving for someone else. I feel like why wasn't I good enough? Why?

Feeling so many mixed emotions right now. This man thinks that I'm a joke. It's only my fault.

How do I approach this?

Can some of you who have been in my shoes please tell me why I'm petrified that I'll come home tomorrow and all of this things be gone? I feel likei it's all my fault. Like I'm not good enough.


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## Michie (Aug 26, 2012)

RUN AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Michie (Aug 26, 2012)

Actually scratch that, wait til he leaves and change your ****ing locks!!!!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

Break up with him. Infidelity while cohabitating is a red flag. 

He has a perfectly good woman at home, but he has to go to his ex?

leave him and move on. He displayed some serious deceit by telling his ex to lie about who she was, thats a horrible quality in a possible marriage partner. Serial cheaters also get 10x worse after they tie the knot, cause then they get complacent.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

You're not good enough?.....It's the other way around!! He's a loser,user and abuser.Don't ever let someone like that affect your self-esteem....I mean c'mon you want to base your self-worth on this waste of space.If you want to have something to strive for just think of all the happy years ahead once this human vampire is out of your life for good.Take care.


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## lost_soul412 (Oct 10, 2012)

Good morning and thanks for all of the advice. This board is a Godsend! 

I know what I need to do and I’m getting there. I need to plan this out perfectly because he has been violent and I’m afraid that he’ll lose control once I really stick to my word. He’s never taken me seriously because I’ve forgiven him for the most horrible things. I’ve been his doormat in the craziest way. So I’m afraid of his reaction.

Also, I know that I shouldn’t take it personally but it’s so hard not to. Like I said before I’m an attractive woman (I’ve been told), have a great job, am responsible, take care of him, my daughter and his daughters like a good wife (when I’m not his wife), etc. etc. so I’m wondering WHY he would do this to me? It makes me feel like there is something wrong with me that I wasn’t good enough. That maybe I pushed him to this with my obsessive “craziness” that he caused.

According to him he never cheated on his wife. That he was a cheater a few times in past relationships until he got married and then decided to be a good, faithful husband and she wound up cheating on him and leaving him. His ex-wife and I talk and are friends. We’re on great terms for the children and just naturally have a good connection. I asked her if he ever cheated on her and she said no. That she cheated on him. So does that mean he does have it in him to be a good, faithful person? Or could it be that he did cheat on her and she was too busy cheating that she didn’t notice or care to notice? Or maybe she’s just a trustworthy woman who didn’t look for things?

I’m just wondering if any of you think it’s possible that he’ll stop cheating? Wake up and realize or be a better man for another woman? That would kill me.

I’m sorry if I’m completely delusional right now. I know I am. I’ve gotten stronger though. This I know because I’m here on this board. That is a HUGE stepping stone for me.

I look forward to hearing more from you!


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## Silverlining (Jan 15, 2012)

Lost_Soul

This relationship is not healthy and it's going to destroy you piece by piece. You are not able to Fix This!

Please read up on Co-dependency and how to escape an addictive relationship. 

This relationship in my opinion is your addiction, it's unhealthy and it's destroying you. The only way a relationship can work is if each partner contributes 50%. Are you satisfied with giving 90% and him only 10%. 

Quit enabling him. 

You need to correct your destructive thinking (why you feel you deserve his abuse). I would recommend seeking a peer counseling group. IMO


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

No, he will not change. It is not your fault he is the way he is. He is toxic and he will do nothing in the end but hurt you, emotionally and physically. There is nothing you can do to fix him. Please protect yourself, get him out of your life. Move to a different city if needed.


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## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

*BIG HUGS*

You should stop talking and I say this from experience. There comes a point that there is just no point anymore. You are NEVER going to get the answers and peace you seek from him. What you are doing with him is less effective than pissing in the wind.

I know the thought of him being with the OW is driving you crazy but you need to accept it and let it go. If you had of put your foot down the first time he treated you like this, had an affair, you would have gone through the normal crap associated with such things. Instead, you have let your fear of being alone/losing him create a perfect hell for you. YOU are the only one that can set yourself free from it.

I wish you the strength you need to deal with this properly. Love yourself. He surely isn't loving you.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Plan your exit, if you fear violence get some friends to make the physical separation safe for you. Write down the plan.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

lost soul....where do I start!

Firstly, if that really is correct, that he never cheated on his wife, I am surprised. Very. But that may explain some things. He is obviously a very messed up person...BTW it is not your job to fix him. You have put enough in, in that area, so it is time to stop trying. Maybe he is still hurt by that relationship, therefore all following relationships are paying for that loss and betrayal. DON'T whatever you do, feel sorry for him tho! He is choosing to treat you like dirt, and you are allowing him to. You are paying for HIS choice. What you do IS NOT working. Time to use a different method. I suggest ditching him would be the best possible solution for you. Stop the heartache. Even if you didn't ditch him, he has a pattern of behaviour with you, and that is an abusive pattern. The only way to halt that, only way, is to ditch. 

When you say are you not good enough for him, can I say, No you are not! Though 'good enough' is the wrong phrase. He needs someone who will either, be his cook, cleaner, wh*re and general slave, or, given what you said about his not cheating on his previous (that really has changed a lot of my planned advice) then maybe what he needs is a woman to basically keep him in line, kick his ass, and basically dominate him. Someone who won't take no sh*t. Ever. And thus he is too scared to treat her badly. 

You are too nice, too kind, too giving. And in his damaged way he is taking complete advantage of that. He will always walk all over you, he will never respect you. And don't think because he doesn't give it you that you don't deserve it. You do. Strange don't you think, you deserve respect for your kindness, your help, your support. You don't get it. He doesn't deserve it due to his cheating, lying, mental abuse and cruelty, physical abuse, the list goes on. And yet he gets it!

The way of the world. He has found you, and you look after him. You only make things difficult when you demand some respect and basic thought. Even a basic decency. You get barely that and you continue to want him. Why is that? 

The person who cares least for the relationship has the most power. It seems the case here. He cares, not least I would say, from here it seems he cares not one bit. And you want the relationship. He knows it. He holds all the power. And you give it to him. Allow him that. 

Don't forget, this is a 2 way thing. He is being a complete bastard, treats you terribly. He doesn't deserve you.

But you are staying and allowing it. Every time he treats you like sh*t and you stay with him, that is another day of you saying to him 'please treat me badly. See how much more I can take'. You are actually requesting him to treat you badly.

I am glad that you are here. And each post you have made, it is clear the difference in you. It is visible the confidence growing in you. Keep going and the penny will drop for you. I hope. He does not love you. He will never love you. You are a convenience to him.

When you fully appreciate that, you will not care who he goes off to. You will be of the mind of good luck to him, and bad luck to them. Feel nothing but sorry for his next conquest/victim. And happy to be rid of a man who has disrespected you to such a degree, a man who has used and abused you, belittled you, brought your confidence down to zero, to such a degree that you have disrespected yourself by staying with him, a man who has screwed with your head and messed with your mind, and that finally you saw the light. I hope it is sooner rather than later.

And as you are already seeing the light, don't be scared of getting rid. You could change the locks when he is out one day/evening. Then leave for a day or 2, to your friends or family. 

If that is not an option, you could ask him to leave. If he gets aggressive you will know what to expect. If that happens it will be time to put all in place so you can disappear easily and when he does not expect it. You could get all in place so that leaving becomes an option. Let us know what you think about leaving and how you plan to do it. There are always ways. Is it a rented house? Joint rent/bought? Whose name is the house in?


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## lost_soul412 (Oct 10, 2012)

Hello all - Remains, yes, the apartment is in my name. It is not joint. He lives with me.

I just really would like to know why he doesn't love me? I just don't understand. 

His wife I think he respected because she had his children and would hold them over his head. He said she cheated on him since day one, that he knew about it and that he would cry, etc. So basically the manipulater and abuser got a taste of his own medicine from her.

I know that he is damaged from what happened. She left him because of the other man and because finally one day he beat her ass. She got a restraining order, took his things and threw in storage and was done. He didn't see his daughters for months. She did to him exactly what he's doing to me and he "loved" her. Wanted to be with her. Gave her the world. I never got any of that.

Funny thing is when we first started dating I demanded respect. I didn't even let him move in with me until he filed divorce. He used to cry when I was ten minutes late from work. He would beg me to not hurt him, etc. Then things slowly started changing and here we are today.

Why was and is she better than me? 

It hurts me more than you may know to think that he doesn't love me and has never loved me. I'm traumatized by that. To think that he is only using me as a convenience after I've loved and loved and loved with everything in me.

Again, I know what I have to do. I just need a little more strength.

It hurts to know as well the good that I know of him. I fell in love with a totally different man. He's a wanted man by lots of woman. He's handsome, charming, smart, funny, has a great job, etc. etc. but yet is irresponsible financially, etc. It's really twisted.

I just know that he won't be single for long. He'll be on to the next. I'm probably the rebound girl that got the brunt of his hurt and the abuse and the next woman will get the man that I fell in love with and the man that I deserved.

It's crushing my heart and my mind.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

lost_soul412 said:


> Hello all -
> I just really would like to know why he doesn't love me? I just don't understand.


It's not about you. It's about him. He doesn't love the mother of his kids more, he just hates that she cheated on him. 

It damaged his ego. 

Maybe he is the type that wants what he can't have. 

In any case, given that he beat the mother of his children this suggest he is a habitually abuser and he may have a personality disorder. 

Given the crying and fear of abandonment, I would suggest you google borderline personality disorder. 

Please, take everyone's advice here and put your runnin' shoes on. 

Run, like the wind, dear girl, ruuuuuuuuuuuuun!

BTW: Be glad he doesn't love you because it seems he doesn't know what real love is.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

When someone describes a problem the way you do - "He said this & then I said that & then he said this, etc" - it's a marker of how invested the person is in the smallest signs of the give and take. You mentally record everything he says to you & this is an unhealthy sign of both his control and your own faltering self-image. You are literally hanging on his every word for a sign of his approval & you are terrified of his rejection.

So, I agree with everyone here that you need to extract yourself and reclaim your life. If you start to see the forest for the trees, you'll note that the years with him are just a small fraction of what can be a long, good life. You can actually start living that now.

If you're afraid of violence on his part, definitely plan well and get some reliable support for when you leave.


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## lost_soul412 (Oct 10, 2012)

I wanted to add also that when things are good they are SO good but when they are bad it's horrible. It's because of my questioning, etc. that they go bad (according to him). 

When we're out we get along so great, we laugh, we have things in common..not alot, but some things.

I guess he may love me but just not enough or he's too damaged to love anyone in a healthy way.

But yes, he beat her because of her cheating on him and according to her he never apologized or anything. Sounds similar to the few instances that I've had.

Just wanted to add that this is why so hard as well. Because of the good times.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Ah! I have seen the problem that you are facing several times here on TAM.

A person comes for advice -they have cheated- and some posters just cannot resist the temptation to say to them the nasty, hurtful things that they had wanted to say to their WS (Wayward Spouse) but never had the guts to do it.

Your situation is even worse! You have never cheated, but your husband (common law husband, live in boy friend, etc!) is treating you in the way that he should have treated his WS.

That's unfair on you. He needs to be gone from your life.

If he threw you out of your own property, that needs to be dealt with by the police, lawyers, etc.

"You have done nowt wrong, lass!" as my family from Lancashire would put it.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

He will be the same with the next woman, so banish the thought that another woman will not get a cheating, abusive nutjob.

I really think you need to reach out to your family or a close friend. Many of us have told you to dump him but you haven't & the crazier you make yourself about him, the crazier he could start acting & I fear for your safety.

Look, maybe he loved you in the beginning & you thought you were so lucky to have such a charming, good-looking man but he has showed you his true colors over & over. You are a smart, successful, mature woman. You know this man is trouble.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

lost_soul412 said:


> Hello all - Remains, yes, the apartment is in my name. It is not joint. He lives with me. * What on earth possessed him to have the audacity to throw you out of your own apartment and bring another girl in! And why, oh why, would you allow him back in and not throw him out? *
> 
> I just really would like to know why he doesn't love me? I just don't understand.
> * He doesn't love anyone. He doesn't know how to love. If he had an ounce of love, care, any of it in him, he would not do a fraction of what he has done. *
> ...


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## lost_soul412 (Oct 10, 2012)

Hello everyone - I'm appreciating all of the advice. I know that he will be away this weekend and I'm looking forward to some alone time and devising a plan. I will keep you all posted.

Thanks for the strength that all of you are giving me. At least my blinders are off and that is a huge step for me!!

xoxo


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> By Lost Soul
> 
> I look forward to hearing from some of you on whether it’s me? Am I wrong? What can I do to fix it? Should I just make him leave? My heart is breaking because I keep thinking that maybe if I just “live” like he wants me to and take things day by day that things would change. I love him. This is killing me.
> 
> ...


You are very weak and vulnerable. I say this because you have taken a terrible beating emotionally and you still ask questions like the ones above.

I am glad that you are getting help on this forum but we are not enough. As Emerald has suggested you should reach out to family or friends or whoever really has your best interests at heart.

I know it is as old as the hills but you really do need professional help. You are a good person but you really do not believe that 100%. Let a professional and others help you realize your worth because you do not.

Unless you get better you will not improve yourself to any degree. The man that you are with is very toxic to your well being. Get help, get stronger, and make a plan then


RUN FOREST RUN!!!!


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

lost_soul412 said:


> Hello – I’m new here and am hoping to gain some good and solid advice like I’ve read you providing to others. Now this is long so bear with me. I’m trying to condense it as much as possible but don’t want to leave out any important details:
> 
> I’ve been with my live in boyfriend for four years now. In the beginning things were wonderful. He was an amazing and wonderful man. Things progressed rather quickly because we were so “into” each other. He is recently divorced and has two younger daughters with his ex wife. I have one daughter who is in college.
> 
> ...


Lost Soul.

Dump his butt. Move on and find a real man.

You deserve better so go find better!


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Read "why does he do that?" by Lundy Buncroft. None of this is your fault. He is a user. He sounds like a narcissist. The world revolves around him. 
With my exhusband I was afraid when I left that he was going to either threaten to kill himself or destroy my stuff or make a public scene in some way. He had a history of threatening to destroy my belongings and locking himself in bathrooms and saying he was going to slash his wrists. 
I went to the domestic abuse shelter and got great help and resources. They changed the locks on the house for free, and had me do a safety plan, gave me a lot of great resources. I highly recommend that you contact a shelter and find out what they can offer you. I know they will tell you that when you tell him to leave to have someone else with you for your safety. Have you told friends and family what is going on?
I'm sorry you are going through this. You sound like you are afraid of being alone. 
I think you are stronger than you think. 
He is always going to be like this. It's very hard for abusers and serial cheaters to change even with therapy. 

You deserve so much better. Men like this hide their true selves in the beginning and romance you, until they feel they somehow have a hook in you. Then they let their true colors show.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

He is narcissistic and will turn on the charm as soon as he realizes that you are really dumping him. He will switch back and forward. You will be confused by this since you can see other peoples POV. 
.
He is only interested in seeing the world from his point of view and is probably incapable of seeing it from any other POV.

You will need pro help with this. I know this because I was with one. They do NOT like to be dumped. 

This is going to be very , very tough on you and your sense of self. PLEASE get into IC with a psychologist that can help you with this. 
This board is always here. People are on it 24x7 and if you need to just write "@@@##[email protected]@" that's okay. 

Look here.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

I'd urge you to hang around on this site for some time and eventually you will understand that this is not about your failings or even your feelings 

It's about what we often on her see as 'cake eating' 

They just want it all every fking thing tey want you cleaning up their svte shagging them with great sex supporting their lives they way they want it to be run and are intrinsically happy BUT then the weakness hit - the other sex - the inability to fend off a perfectly normal flirtation interest from the other sex. the tingle of 'excitement' runs amok in their tiny heads. 

They DO know how much it will hurt YOU and then make choices about simply carrying on and doing _just that_ with no glimmer of guilt or remorse. You're no longer in the frame you suddenly almost overnight become the inferior option and guess what? that's not _their_ fault 

BUT YOURS !! 

Oh yes - welcome to the world of personality disorder lead marriage destruction!

But that doesn't matter - who's the one being obliterated? you! not them. Who's the one who's bringing it down on your head ? THEM not you 

Your big problem at this juncture is that you're still in your own fog - 'love' . As you get trickle truthed and lied to more and more and hurt more and more you will find that your fog will 'lift' a little and you will astonish yourself and see this person for exactly who they are a feeble weak selfish twat who is 'happy' to fk up you life just for a few cheap shags here and there. Although you know this already the love keeps bringing up into your mind and memory all the 'good' times you've has but what gets better is that you'll soon realize they were not as good as you thought and this person *has not ever in reality been the person you thought* for most of the time you've been with them 

As to what to do ? you're on the right path and soon that decision will come a bit easier than you ever imagined

Good luck


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

lost_soul412 said:


> Hello all - Remains, yes, the apartment is in my name. It is not joint. He lives with me.
> 
> I just really would like to know why he doesn't love me? I just don't understand.
> 
> ...


 There's other stuff here my friend He's a cheat and cheats are liars and deceivers and if you think you have the whole story of his marriage that's a big mistake for a start 



lost_soul412 said:


> Why was and is she better than me?


 is she? How? he lies all the time



lost_soul412 said:


> It hurts me more than you may know to think that he doesn't love me and has never loved me. I'm traumatized by that. To think that he is only using me as a convenience after I've loved and loved and loved with everything in me.


This is admittedly harsh - it is very very difficult to feel you've had the wool pulled over your eyes for years by somebody but let that educate you to this kind of person. 



lost_soul412 said:


> It hurts to know as well the good that I know of him. I fell in love with a totally different man. He's a wanted man by lots of woman. He's handsome, charming, smart, funny, has a great job, etc. etc. but yet is irresponsible financially, etc. It's really twisted.


 Yes, but he's also able to look at another woman as their lips meet think of you for a split second and "think so fking what" and in that blinding moment he's cancelled out every possible good bit he has about him. that split second decision makes him a complete vindictive nasty bastvrd and not the person you thought he was so stop thinking he's all those good things because he's shown you that he very much is NOT 



lost_soul412 said:


> I just know that he won't be single for long. He'll be on to the next.
> and the next woman will get the man that I fell in love with and the man that I deserved.


 She wont she'll get that facade of a man that you fell for and now realize. Let some other poor sap fall for it 
You have to worry about you and make sure you never get into a position like this again with anybody as you deserve so much better



lost_soul412 said:


> It's crushing my heart and my mind.


I know and I and many on here feel it the same but light is at the end of every tunnel 

One big thing imagine you were saying this after ten or more years!! YES 4 years may seem long but you can get away now and learn from it and never be here again ! 

An opportunity I'd say


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## Disenchanted (Sep 12, 2012)

He's trying to get you to dump him, because he's too much of a [email protected] to do it himself.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Another good source:
Love Fraud


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## lost_soul412 (Oct 10, 2012)

Disenchanted said:


> He's trying to get you to dump him, because he's too much of a [email protected] to do it himself.


What makes you think that? I've told him numerous times this last week to get out. That its over and I want him out. Why hasn't he left and broken up
With me. I really honestly don't know how this makes any sense. Now on top of everything else, I have to add this to my list of confusion.

Does anyone else agree with what disenchanted said?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> By Lost Soul
> Does anyone else agree with what disenchanted said?


I don’t agree

What your husband is trying to do is not near as important as what you do.


Lost Soul, do you agree with what I d said below?




> I know it is as old as the hills but you really do need professional help. You are a good person but you really do not believe that 100%. Let a professional and others help you realize your worth because you do not.
> 
> Unless you get better you will not improve yourself to any degree. The man that you are with is very toxic to your well being. Get help, get stronger, and make a plan then
> 
> ...


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

He wants it all lost_soul. He wants you to love him. he wants to love you "in his own way" 
He wants to screw other people and lie to you about it. This is not a mistake. It is not a oops I slipped on a banana skin and landed in her private lady parts. [sarcasm] 
This is systematic, considered and planned on multiple occasions. 
He wants to treat you like your unreasonable because..

THIS IS WHAT THEY DO. 


You asked him to leave and he won't ?


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

lost_soul412 said:


> What makes you think that? I've told him numerous times this last week to get out. That its over and I want him out. Why hasn't he left and broken up
> With me. I really honestly don't know how this makes any sense. Now on top of everything else, I have to add this to my list of confusion.
> 
> Does anyone else agree with what disenchanted said?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes it is part of it it is a subconscious yearning to have it done for them. They feel lack of self esteem, feel they are not worthy and and so look for something else. All cheaters also lack real courage and find it easier to simply carry on until caught, which is why the responsibility to end it falls on your shoulders.

Conflicting with that is the fact that you re giving them the green light to go on lapping it up so they do what is EASIEST for them - keep lying fobbing you off whilst enjoying the fruits of the affair it's easier for them to simply carry on and watch you disintegrate under the mountain of lies and suspicion 

Cake eating 

Because of how you feel (your unconditional love for him) it's easy for you to take 'responsibility, to want to heal them, to take the blame even, as long as you get back to what you think was a good honest marriage

You will sadly realize it never was that in the first instance, you have been propping him up

It really is sad this but you will understand realize that this is not the person you thought you loved.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Headspin said:


> ..... you will astonish yourself and see this person for exactly who they are a feeble weak selfish twat who is 'happy' to fk up you life just for a few cheap shags here and there. Although you know this already the love keeps bringing up into your mind and memory all the 'good' times you've has but what gets better is that you'll soon realize they were not as good as you thought and this person *has not ever in reality been the person you thought* for most of the time you've been with them
> 
> Good luck


I second this!
And I second it again! And again!


Especially this bit: 
* a feeble weak selfish twat who is 'happy' to fk up your life *


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Headspin said:


> Yes it is part of it it is a subconscious yearning to have it done for them. They feel lack of self esteem, feel they are not worthy and and so look for something else. All cheaters also lack real courage and find it easier to simply carry on until caught, which is why the responsibility to end it falls on your shoulders.
> 
> Conflicting with that is the fact that you re giving them the green light to go on lapping it up so they do what is EASIEST for them - keep lying fobbing you off whilst enjoying the fruits of the affair it's easier for them to simply carry on and watch you disintegrate under the mountain of lies and suspicion


This, I feel, hits the nail on the head with regards to your question. 

Lift the confusion by staying on this site and reading other's stories. You will see this pattern time and again. The pattern of his behaviour and your reactions, questions, confusion. 

This last year (nearly) has truly been the most educating and eye opening for me. It has truly been a most positive and rewarding experience, as painful as it has been. My confusion is finally totally lifted, and my realisation is full. Total! 

And without him, and all his actions, I would never have come here and never have learned all that I did. I feel liberated, and educated. And I will never (I hope), I am positive truly of the 'never', fall for any of this behaviour again. Not only that, being here has given me confidence in other areas of my life also. These behaviours are all around us in one degree or another, and I won't accept it from anyone!


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## Disenchanted (Sep 12, 2012)

lost_soul412 said:


> What makes you think that? I've told him numerous times this last week to get out. That its over and I want him out. Why hasn't he left and broken up
> With me. I really honestly don't know how this makes any sense. Now on top of everything else, I have to add this to my list of confusion.
> 
> Does anyone else agree with what disenchanted said?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You need to get in touch with your anger, this man is crapping all over you and you should be pissed as hell at him.

You deserve better and you could easily do better, DO NOT let yourself be treated this way.


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## lost_soul412 (Oct 10, 2012)

Hello everyone, I’ve been away for a bit. A lot going on. I think I’ve officially had enough. I’m burnt out. Since he texted that woman again, I’m right back to square one with the obsessing and checking phone records, mistrust, etc. Yesterday he disappeared after work. From 2:30 to around 3:45. He claimed that he had just went home so when I texts and call and he doesn’t answer or respond the first thing I think is that he’s doing something wrong. Possibly with her as they work for the same company. I had a bit of a moment where I called numerous times and texted numerous times. I went into panic mode and angry mode and when I finally did hear from him I wasn’t happy. I questioned and I told him that he can’t disappear on me like that. He said that he’s not my slave and doesn’t have to check in with me constantly. He said that he was at home unwinding, his phone was on the charger and that he wasn’t giving a “F” about me. Do you know how much that hurt me? To hear him say that?

Anyway, I got home and he was sleeping on the couch after he promised that he would help with laundry and have it done for me because we had a lot to do after work. We were supposed to pick up a new dining table. So I was annoyed with that. I started laundry and said I was hoping that it would be done. I don’t ask for a lot. I said now that I have to do laundry along with everything else no we probably won’t have time to pick up the table or will we? He said that he wasn’t taking me to do anything after the way that I talked to him. I said how did I talk to you? All I did was say you can’t disappear on me like that. I said that reassurance is a pretty small price to pay considering all that he’s done to me. I told him that yes, I know I had a “moment” but I did so because he texted that woman and took me back to a place.

He immediately got up off of the couch shouting and said “how dare you bring that up again! How dare you accuse me” grabbed me and threw me into the bedroom and closet. He told me that I’m luck he didn’t beat my ass. I said all of this because of something that you did?!?! All of this because you won’t take the time to reassure me. He again said that I’m crazy, and whacked out and a **** and ***** and that all he was doing was laying on the couch and I had to bring stupid stuff up.

I told him that it was over and I wanted him out of my apartment. That he’s not going to treat me that way and get away with it. I told him the only reason I’m not calling the cops on you right now is because your ex-wife (the mother of his children) is getting re-married this weekend and I don’t want to do anything that could possibly cause a damper on her day.

He locked himself in the bathroom and wouldn’t come out. 

For some crazy reason this whole sense of overwhelming fear came over me and I started thinking that yes, I’m in the wrong and that yes, I deserved it. So I begged him to stay and let me talk..I felt the need to apologize for my end of upsetting him and the need to explain and prove that I’m not crazy like he says. I told him that I’m sorry for what I did to upset you but you need to, for once please look at things through my eyes. I’ve forgiven for a lot over the last few years and although I’m still with you I’m partially damaged. I don’t even know who I am anymore. I’ve lost myself completely. I said that yes, I’m crazy because I keep having hope and trying to get through to you because I love you and nothing works! NOTHING..it’s like I’m talking to and trying to get through to a brick wall!I told him that I’ve never called him insane or crazy or mean things! That when he says those things they scar me emotionally. He told me to stop talking that he’s tired of me repeating myself. I told him that I’m sorry but I’m a communicator and I’m an emotional woman and yes, I’ve had moments of craziness but not for no reason. That all I’ve done is try to love and be good to him. That after all he’s done, giving me reassurance for as long as I need it should not be an issue. I told him that he gets more angry though. This whole time as I’m crying and explaining myself to him he’s laying on the couch with some smirk on his face. He told me that nothing I say makes sense. That all he did was come home and lay on the couch. I said so you feel that you don’t need to apologize for anything that happened today and he said that no, he just came home and laid on the couch. I said you don’t need to apologize for threatening to beat my ass and for calling me horrible names? He said not a word. I said it’s so disturbing that you can lye here and act as if you’re holier than thou. That I’m the ONLY person who causes issues in this relationship. He told me that I sounded dumb and that I should feel stupid for talking. He said “don’t you feel stupid?”..I said yes, I do. I feel really stupid. I said that he hurt me and he will NEVER make me feel small again. He will NEVER make me feel like I’m the cause of the demise of this relationship. I told him that the only mistake I made was to love the wrong man. To give 150% of myself and there is nothing wrong with that. I told him that his narcissism, ego, pride and anger issues are the things that are crazy. I said at least I can acknowledge the issues that I must work on. I’m not too proud to do that. I told him that it’s unfortunate that he needs to learn things the hard way. He told me that I won’t need to worry about it anymore and that any person who lives within four walls of me would want to kill themselves. That all I want to do is talk talk talk. I told him that he could have left and he said no, because you didn’t let me. I said, I just felt the need to explain myself to you before you left. I just wanted to talk. I said, what kind of woman do you need? Someone who is emotionally shut down? He said no, a woman that doesn’t talk as much as you do. I just walked away in disbelief. I couldn’t say anymore because how could I argue with someone who is never wrong? How could a man who says he loves me be so shut off and evil and mean? 

I finished laundry and made a sandwich (one for him to because I’m too kind hearted). At the end of the night he tried to kiss me and I turned away. Then this morning again, tried to kiss and I turned away. 

I am this morning, in the biggest state of panic and anxiety. I’m so distraught. I feel like I have lost all respect and dignity for myself and like I’m literally walking around with a knife in my heart. I’m so afraid that I’m the one who pushed him into another woman’s arms because yes, I’ve had moments of insanity but I feel like with good cause. I feel like I’m losing him. That I ruined a good relationship. That if I would just keep quiet that things would have been fine.

I have no idea what is going on. I haven’t heard from him at all today with his normal morning texts and calls and why am I so scared? He could be moving right now for all I know. Or he could take last night’s fight as a good excuse to go out tonight with friends or whoever and be up to no good.

Why am I so afraid that this was me? That I’ve lost out? I don’t even know what to do. I’m so close to leaving work because I can’t function.

P.S. I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress disorder by my therapist. I also have occasional OCD which does not help with my obsessive thoughts of how he’s hurt me. This is not my fault though and I feel like he preys on that weakness.

Am I wrong in any of this?


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

lost_soul412 said:


> Am I wrong in any of this?


You are wrong in absolutely all of it. 

- You are wrong for staying with this worthless man.

- You are wrong for questioning yourself relentlessly.

- You are wrong for valuing yourself so little.

- You are wrong for not seeking serious professional help for yourself in this.

I realize that you feel caught in behaviors that you don't feel you can help.

This means that you have to reach out for real help, serious help. Not just advice that sounds good to you, that makes you 'wake up,' but then you can't help but ignore.

If you don't have the strength to GET AWAY from this man, you need to find someone who will provide that strength as you do it - a counselor, friend, family - someone to literally pull up your spine & stand in the way when you go running back.

Regarding the mindset of this POS that you 'love' so much, I think Headspin said it the best:




Headspin said:


> They just want it all every fking thing tey want you cleaning up their svte shagging them with great sex supporting their lives they way they want it to be run and are intrinsically happy BUT then the weakness hit - the other sex - the inability to fend off a perfectly normal flirtation interest from the other sex. the tingle of 'excitement' runs amok in their tiny heads.
> 
> They DO know how much it will hurt YOU and then make choices about simply carrying on and doing _just that_ with no glimmer of guilt or remorse. You're no longer in the frame you suddenly almost overnight become the inferior option and guess what? that's not _their_ fault
> 
> ...


Everyone here is telling you to get out, but you can't do it. So reach out & find someone, anyone, who will help you, someone who will drag you out if need be.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

> He immediately got up off of the couch shouting and said “how dare you bring that up again! How dare you accuse me” grabbed me and threw me into the bedroom and closet. He told me that I’m luck he didn’t beat my ass.


This should be the end, friend. You are trapped in the abuse cycle. The boiling frog effect destroyed any personal boundarie. You has no idea on how to protecdt yourself.
Start getting healthier. Go to some therapist, share your story. Hear her/him, let reality hit home.
Get rid of this loser. Step by step, a day at a time.
You will be OK.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

People have posted some great advice and support on here for you,but in the end they're only words unless you take the first step.So will you? What other impetus do you need to get you going in the right direction?


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## Disenchanted (Sep 12, 2012)

Holy sh!t so that's what real gas lighting looks like.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Dear Lost.

It is very easy for us to say. "get out, go now" It is quiet a different thing to find the strength to do it. 
I too have PTSD [although improving]
I too found and still do find it difficult to escape. 

I am Divorced now, but that does not stop me from missing the security of abuse. It is very, very hard to escape because we have to look at ourselves and accept that we allowed it to happen. There is something missing in us that allowed it and that is extraordinarilly difficult. 
I know that for me 19 months after separation it is an ongoing battle with my own psyche.
I can say that it does get better, up's and downs and weekly therapy help. Seeing yourself as important is so far from your pattern right now that it is difficult to see past that.

You have taken a giant first step. You should be proud of yourself in posting here. You should be proud of yourself for allowing yourself to feel that you deserve more. For allowing yourself to question his view of the world.

You asked him to leave, then backed down because of someone elses wedding .
You did his laundry, made him food.

Because you wanted to. Because you love this man, but the problem is that the man you see now is the man you married, not the charming, attentive, generous person you thought he was.

I am sorry but you will never see more than a glimmer of that man again. He will feed you just enough to keep you hopeful. No more, no less.
He will only see the world through his eyes. It is all about him. 
Listen to the words he uses. Listen to what he is really saying. Listen for empathy. You are not mad, or bad. You are not talking too much. You are finally seeing him for him.
This is good, but it hurts like hell. 
Remember this Lost. One of the most useful things you can say to yourself during the next few months.
_"That is only his opnion" _
This may seem like a harmless little phrase but it contains power. 
Power that will free you.


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

Dump him and start a new fun life!


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

Headspin, your reply was PERFECT!


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Lost! Please, you have to disengage with him. And stop loving him. And see him for what he is. Step back and open your eyes.

You have already lost him. He DOES NOT love you. Not even a little. He is manipulationg you. The reason he sits there with a smirk on his face is because he is enjoying watching you get upset and angry over him. He WAS cheating on you for that hour and half or however long it was. That is why he reacted like he did. He didn't want you to go on at him because he didn't want to hear it. He had no interest because he was not prepared to tell you what he was up to, because he was cheating. He got mad because you were pursuing a subject he didn't want to hear. Because he was cheating. Read up on manipulative behaviour for god's sake. Read it! And stop playing his game. 

You will not get anywhere with him. Nowhere. And like it or not, you are behaving exactly as he wants you to. He behaves how he likes, gets a rise out of you, plays you with his words and actions, and then watches you (loving it) come back down from your position and apologise! He absolutely loves it! He has complete control over you and you are giving it him by acting and reacting in the way you do.

He has complete control over you! 

Accept you have none over him. You are not his keeper, or his mother. You will not change him. He will always have sex with other women. He will always mentally and physically abuse you. Mental torture will become your friend. If you love him, let him go.

Next time he is at work and you are not, take the day off in fact, collect his stuff and throw it out. Leave it on the front for him to collect, and change the locks. I am betting he will be angry, but all will be fine. He is a coward. As soon as the police arrive he will go. And he will be off to use someone else, and you can breathe with relief.


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## WWife (Oct 12, 2012)

Lost, I'm sorry you're in such a terrible place and you are indeed in a horrible place. Reading your posts it sounds like you're doing what I tend to call "cycling" which is when you're so wrapped up in something that it consumes you: it's all you think about and you can't get any perspective. As an earlier poster pointed out, you're focusing on the most minute details of your second by second interactions with your boyfriend and losing sense of the larger picture.

What will help is if you're able to step back, get some distance. If it's too scary to think that distance means leaving him for good, then just think of it as not making a decision one way or the other and just taking a few days off. Can you get out of town for a couple of days?

I think it's clear to me and to everyone on this board that your boyfriend is physically and emotionally abusive. He's treating you horribly and you need to leave him -- for your emotional and physical safety. That it can be SO clear to us and not to you reinforces the idea that you need some distance. Especially since in the end it doesn't matter what we think: you're the one who has to ultimately come to your own conclusions.

Here are a few things I think you should think about:

What does love look like to you? Is it a husband throwing his wife in a closet? Is it a husband yelling? Lying? Not listening to his wife when she wants to talk? Is it calling her stupid? Look at your friends in healthy, committed relationships -- do they look like yours? 

If you stay with this man, what does your future look like. Not what do you *want* it to look like, but based on what you know about how things really are, what does it look like? IMO it looks like this: Day to day you will continue to support him. You will continue to cook for him. You will continue to cry and feel demeaned for wanting to talk. You will be afraid -- every moment you will be afraid that he will leave you, that he will snap at you, that he will kick down a door or that he will cheat. Is that what you want your future to be?

Now think about your past. It sounds as though in the past you've been a woman who has believed in herself, who has loved herself, who has valued herself. A strong woman who didn't second guess her emotions and didn't think she was stupid. It sounds as though right now that woman is buried inside of you and I'd bet the loss of that woman coincides with your relationship with your boyfriend.

The person you love should bring out the best in you, not bury it. 

Your situation is so difficult because your boyfriend has managed to bury the part of you that would have the strength to leave him. You need to find that part of yourself again. 

It sounds as though you're defining yourself by him. It's what my marriage counselor called an unhealthy sense of self: you've lost perspective of who you are other than "girlfriend to So-and-So." You're entirely reliant on him emotionally and have none of your own internal emotional stability. Otherwise, you would be sad to lose your boyfriend, but you wouldn't be terrified. 

I think it's admirable that you see the good in your boyfriend. I understand the temptation to believe that if you can just bring that good out and make it stay, everything will work out fine. First, realize that you can't do it -- no one can make another person change. Second, realize that you've tried to get him to change and failed. You've given him dozens of opportunities. You've talked to him, you've begged him, you've given him time. He still hasn't changed. He won't change and all you end up doing is wasting time hoping he will.

I agree that you should look into therapy. It sounds like you know what you need to do (leave him) but that you keep getting pulled back in by him. He's able to manipulate you -- to not only talk you out of leaving, but convince you you're stupid and horrible for considering it. It will take strength to confront that kind of manipulation and stand strong. I think you have that strength and I think a therapist will allow you to tap into it and hold on to it.

Bottom line: you deserve better. Don't let anyone convince you otherwise, especially your boyfriend.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Disenchanted points out that you are being gaslighted. I agree.

But this is an especially sadistic gaslighting. It's not a sly or desperate attempt to keep you from the truth.

It's in-your-face, gleeful, and self-satisfied. Your bf seems to enjoy watching you jump through hoops for him.

You are deluding yourself badly if you think either one of you loves the other. This is definitely not love you are describing. It's obsession & you could destroy your life with it.


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## Disenchanted (Sep 12, 2012)

WWife said:


> Now think about your past. It sounds as though in the past you've been a woman who has believed in herself, who has loved herself, who has valued herself. A strong woman who didn't second guess her emotions and didn't think she was stupid. It sounds as though right now that woman is buried inside of you and I'd bet the loss of that woman coincides with your relationship with your boyfriend.


And for crying out loud, YOU are not crazy.

Read about this:

Gaslighting - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia


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