# I want a BJ = me being selfish



## JohnSmithh (Feb 5, 2013)

You guys know the story because it's written all over these forums. Prior to getting married, GF gave BJs. First few years of marriage, wife gave BJs. Now the word BJ in my house means that I am just being selfish.

I've been married for ten years and have three kids. My wife does not work and stays at home with the kids. This has worked very well, for the most part. 

The one thing she refuses to do is give me a BJ. It drives me nuts and I resent her a lot for not giving me this pleasure. She knows I love it. I tell her she's great at it. But she just flat out refuses now and calls me selfish. I get in the shower, shave up, soap up, and let her know that I'm ready.

I explain to her that even if she doesn't like it, she should do it because it makes me happy. I give her oral regularly. I don't drink. I don't use tobacco or do drugs. I don't gamble. I've never cheated. I provide her with everything she wants. But I am being selfish when I ask for a BJ.

I bought the Male Action Plan (MAP) book and follow that whenever we get in this rut. I come here to vent. It's therapeutic to be able to write this down. I have a lot of resentment built up against my wife over this. So much I know it's not physically or mentally healthy. I come to these forums and read a lot too. I know there's a lot of men out there experiencing the same thing.

One of the reasons I think our sex life in general is suffering is due to our sleep schedules. I'm in the military and leave the house at 430am and get home around 6pm. I go to sleep around 10pm every night. My wife stays up late and watches a bunch of shows she's DVRd during the day. She tells me this is her time to unwind because the kids are finally asleep. I've tried to stay up with her but the show's she watches are literally to painful for me to watch. Real Housewives, 16 and Pregnant, Bad Girls Club, etc. All absolutely horrible shows that teenagers watch. I tell her she's rotting her brain watching this crap. 

Thanks for listening guys. I wish everyone a good night.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

JohnSmithh said:


> I give her oral regularly.


Stop that.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Even behind a computer screen, I perceive your sense of selfishness. It's like you ask for it and you want to have your BJ, regardless of the possibility that she doesn't enjoy it.
You said you do everything for her, but are those acts of service what she wants??
Just because you think you do things right, it doesn't mean they are- because she simply doesn't see it that way. You give her oral regularly, but if she doesn't enjoy it , who cares? You give it because she enjoys it or YOU enjoy it? If it's the latter, then she could be right...you're selfish. 
With this being said, I'm not saying you're all wrong and she's totally right. But you should find her love-language so that she can feel desired just like you want to. If she doesn't feel desired and if her needs aren't being met then you insisting on getting yours met, will sound selfish.

There is a reason why she thinks you're selfish and when women have that feeling, usually they're right.




> I explain to her that even if she doesn't like it, she should do it because it makes me happy.


This screams "I'm selfish. I don't care how you feel about it. Just do it for me. I want it here and now!"
If I had a man tell me this, then I'd refuse giving him BJ for the rest of our lives together. 
Instead, I would prefer him to do things that PLEASE ME (not just him) and this would make me do things that please him (including BJs - if he gave me oral and I enjoyed it.)

Good night!


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

lovelygirl said:


> There is a reason why she thinks you're selfish and when women have that feeling, usually they're right.


And there you go, OP.

You're a bastard because you lack a vagina.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

There is always more to every story but if we go on your post OP then I don't think you are being selfish at all. BJ were given before and early on in the marriage so why should they not continue? Your needs are important and a loving partner should be giving. Does she say you are just a selfish person in general or with this one issue? 

I agree that you should stop giving her oral but be careful not to be passive aggressive about it or you may make the downward spiral even worse.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

lovelygirl said:


> Even behind a computer screen, I perceive your sense of selfishness. It's like you ask for it and you want to have your BJ, regardless of the possibility that she doesn't enjoy it.
> You said you do everything for her, but are those acts of service what she wants??
> Just because you think you do things right, it doesn't mean they are- because she simply doesn't see it that way. You give her oral regularly, but if she doesn't enjoy it , who cares? You give it because she enjoys it or YOU enjoy it? If it's the latter, then she could be right...you're selfish.
> With this being said, I'm not saying you're all wrong and she's totally right. But you should find her love-language so that she can feel desired just like you want to. If she doesn't feel desired and if her needs aren't being met then you insisting on getting yours met, will sound selfish.
> ...


I think you are completely missing the point she did it before... 

Or was she doing what she thought she needed to do to keep him in the relationship ? 

I give my GF oral because she likes it, not because I like it.. But it makes me *HAPPY* to see her pleased when she has an orgasm. But there are times it's literally fvcking work to do it that I end up going limp.. 

It's at those times it's her job to get it back up for me.. 

I think in this instance the OP is fair with his issues. Mind you I have no clue how old his kids are.. 

But for the OP... Did you ever think 69 ?


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Another thread of yours your mention this



JohnSmithh said:


> I spend a few minutes stimulating her.
> 
> It's interesting that you brought this up though because her definition and mine are different when it comes to seduction. She thinks it needs to be a production. I don't. I blame all the shows she watched for playing these delusions of romance. At the end if the day I've been up since 0400 and arrive hone around 6pm.
> 
> ...


Isn't it the same thing? Even though you don't want to, you should for her because it will make her happy? If she feels that sex is already a little blah with no seduction and just a "a few minutes stimulating her" and then


JohnSmithh said:


> Sensing she's not into it I finish as fast as I can. Then she asked if I already finished and I said yes. She let out a very disgusted sigh and went to the bathroom.


 I wouldn't be all excited about giving BJs either. Try some seduction, foreplay, mutual Os and fun and then start adding new things into the mix but IMO you have to fix the basic (sex) first. If she's already feeling used then she's not going to want to offer up more.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

I find that women that have everything given to them, become very ungrateful. Her watching show after show of witchy middle age women acting like brats doesn't help. Having said that, a woman has to want you. Your wife is not attracted to you enough for her to do something that pleases you. Sounds like you're getting duty sex, which she can do with her eyes closed and imagine some other guy is banging her.

You need to work on building attraction. You can't use logic, persuasion, whining, nor nice her into wanting to give you a BJ. It's easy to get into a rut and take each other for granted. 

You need to work on improving yourself. Go to the gym. Improve your fashion, hair, etc. These things can help. Make sure you're doing manly hobby and not sitting around the house watching TV while she's doing housework. Date your wife. Not just movie & dinner. Think outside the box. Think back to when you were pursuing her. Let her feel your desire for her. I recommend that you read the Love language book. You want to make sure that your efforts are targeted. You can be doing things that you think she likes but she can be like, eh.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

While this is not exactly on topic, I sometimes have this dream where I am able to give myself a blowjob. I then wake up and brag to my wife about it!!!!

...then I realize I can't finish the job and she has the advantage!!! She will usually give me just one or two gentle licks until I apologize for bragging and then I begin begging her for more. 

...long story short, every time I dream about being able to give myself a blowjob I eventually end up gladly scrubbing out the showers in the house until they sparkle just the way my wife likes them. 

Cheers, 
Badsanta


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Have you asked her why she gave them before and what's changed?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

JohnSmithh said:


> I tell her she's rotting her brain watching this crap.


First of all, stop doing this. She's allowed to watch whatever she wants on TV. Just because YOU don't enjoy something doesn't mean she's bad for enjoying it.

My ex, who is quite abusive, used to take this attitude with me about reading People magazine and thinking like that. I have a college degree and he only graduated high school, yet he still got on his high horse about me being interested in pop culture. Get over it.

As far as your sex issue, I agree with whoever asked you if you'd questioned her about why she won't do that anymore?


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## cosquin (Sep 16, 2014)

lovelygirl said:


> This screams "I'm selfish. I don't care how you feel about it. Just do it for me. I want it here and now!"
> If I had a man tell me this, then I'd refuse giving him BJ for the rest of our lives together.


Why??? I’m happy to do whatever my wife likes. It’s how love works. A good spouse does things just for the sake of his/her love though it’s not exactly what he/she enjoy to do.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

No you are not selfish.

Did bj's stop at the same time as you stopped spending time together? I can't understand why you are selfish now and not before. Do you know? 

Don't say she should do it weather she likes it or not. I am sure that you can see that she gets the impression that bj are more important to you than she is. I hope that is not the case. My impression is that you are so frustrated and angry that you have lost prospective. Before you approach her about this again, think about the quality of the relationship. You two don't spend time together, you don't share activities apparently, and you don't seem to like your wife. The bj thing seems way out of proportion to all of the other things in the relationship. Perhaps working on regaining a loving caring relationship will help. 

If you ask her for a bj when she is not warmed up sexually that may be a mistake. Try having an oral sex session. you give her and then she gives you. Does she orgasm with PIV or just oral sex or manual stimulation. If she does not orgasm when you have sex and you do, you are unlikely to be rewarded with a bj.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Please don't criticize her choice of tv, she doesn't need your approval for her tv preferences. That kind of attitude creates resentment and a parent child dynamic that will only result in less intimacy. 

You should probably stop asking, it doesn't appear to be getting you what you want. You can stop giving her oral, though you might find it's not as important to her as you think.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

OK since reading the quoted past post of yours it seems that perhaps you are a selfish person and lover. Might want to open your mind a bit about what is actually going on in your home and marriage.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

I'd stop worrying about BJ's and start worrying about the part where you don't sleep together. You are asleep before she joins you and gone before she is awake. And She has set this up. That worries me a lot more than a change in appetite after three pregnancies. BTW your employer is trying to get you single again. Some organizations prefer their people that way.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Gotta say, you have said some of the same things my husband has said to defend himself. "I'm a provider. I work and bring home the money. I am tired, too tired to put any effort into you or our relationship."

1. She's told you what she wants from you, but you think it's too much effort so you don't do it.
2. While being the provider is absolutely something for which she ought to be grateful it doesn't entitle you to a blow job on demand. 
3. You've been given advice about love languages, emotional needs....and yet you do the MAP. So how's that working out for you?

Now, get the damn books "5 Love Languages" and go to this web site and read about "emotional needs." Marriage Builders ® - Successful Marriage Advice also read about "love busters."


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

Fozzy said:


> And there you go, OP.
> 
> You're a bastard because you lack a vagina.


That is not at all what she said --or implied.

Yes point was that if you are being told you are selfish, it's most likely for a reason. What is that reason?


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Anon Pink said:


> 2. While being the provider is absolutely something for which she ought to be grateful it doesn't entitle you to a blow job on demand.



...yes... imagine if you can in a hypothetical world where she is the provider, she comes home all tired and while on her way to the shower she tells you to be ready to "toss her salad" when she gets out. Meanwhile you had a tough day at home and want to talk about how you are having trouble keeping rabbits out of your home garden and they just ate all your prized vegetables that you had spent the entire summer cultivating. However, she could care less about that and gets frustrated about you whining. She insists you can just buy you some organic tomatoes from the store the next day and that you right now you really need to get yourself ready to toss her salad. 

...then it does not happen, and the wife takes to the internet to complain about not getting her salad tossed. With virtually no mention of what happened in your vegetable garden, cause she does not have energy to deal with that.

Regards,
Badsanta


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

always_alone said:


> Yes point was that if you are being told you are selfish, it's most likely for a reason. What is that reason?


The reason could be that she is the selfish one.


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## inhope (Nov 17, 2010)

JohnSmithh said:


> The one thing she refuses to do is give me a BJ. It drives me nuts and I resent her a lot for not giving me this pleasure. She knows I love it. I tell her she's great at it. But she just flat out refuses now and calls me selfish. I get in the shower, shave up, soap up, and let her know that I'm ready.
> 
> I explain to her that even if she doesn't like it, she should do it because it makes me happy. I give her oral regularly. I don't drink. I don't use tobacco or do drugs. I don't gamble. I've never cheated. I provide her with everything she wants. But I am being selfish when I ask for a BJ.


Most women like seduction, they like being sexually aroused they love being desired and wanted by their man, long and slow or quick and fast can be equally effective. All positions, kinks, oral and BJs can be acceptable. Sex is then an experience of mutual benefit.
BUT here I guess, as soon as that shower goes on she is cringing and thinking "Oh God it is the dreaded BJ." 
She is NOT turned on, she is expected to perform for your sole satisfaction. 
Far from seducing her, here the BJ is a demand, a chore. She is supposed to acquiesce to your command.
What does she actually get out of sucking your penis for a while here? I guess absolutely nothing and that is why she is resisting and calling you selfish.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

JohnSmithh said:


> I get in the shower, shave up, soap up, and let her know that I'm ready.


With that sexy approach, I don't see how she can possibly resist. :grin2: As far as you going down on her, I'd bet $20 you wouldn't do it if you didn't like it. I'm right, ain't I my man.
Sides that, and repeat what I've said before, one difference between a job and marriage is after 10 or so years, the job still sucks.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

JohnSmithh, 
The first thing I would do is NEVER, EVER, NEVER, EVER ask for a blow job again. She knows, a thousand times over what you want. No need to ask again, ever. I have found that the very best way to get what you want sexually is to get your woman so freekin worked up with passion that she can't help but put that thing in her mouth.

The more you ask or talk about it, the less she will want to do it. Make her emotions and pleasure your priority and give it some time. You might be pleasantly surprised. What do you have to lose?


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

always_alone said:


> That is not at all what she said --or implied.
> 
> Yes point was that if you are being told you are selfish, it's most likely for a reason. What is that reason?


And if I made a valid point about a woman, but backed it up with "And when men have that feeling, they're usually right", you would think what?

In point of fact, yes he is acting a little selfish after reviewing some of his other posts, however it's not selfish in and of itself to want a BJ.

Catherine has it right--figure out what's changed from between the time his wife found it acceptable until now. It's possible his behavior is the cause, but we don't know that for certain. It's equally possible that it's her.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
I suspect that won't help either. She doesn't want to do it. 



UMP said:


> JohnSmithh,
> The first thing I would do is NEVER, EVER, NEVER, EVER ask for a blow job again. She knows, a thousand times over what you want. No need to ask again, ever. I have found that the very best way to get what you want sexually is to get your woman so freekin worked up with passion that she can't help but put that thing in her mouth.
> 
> The more you ask or talk about it, the less she will want to do it. Make her emotions and pleasure your priority and give it some time. You might be pleasantly surprised. What do you have to lose?


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
In a good sexual relationship, each is happy to do things to please the other. Assuming you are willing to do all that she wants in bed, she should be willing to do this for you.

If she found BJs truly horrible, there might be an excuse, but you say she used to do them. That sadly is a classic bait and switch, a selfish way for her to behave.

Really nothing you can do - as always the person who doesn't want sex holds all the power. 

You can refuse to do anything sexual for her, but that will turn your love life into a miserable barter system. You might get your BJs, but would it be worth it? 

Really nothing you can do - as always the person who doesn't want sex holds all the power.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> I suspect that won't help either. She doesn't want to do it.


Remember, she used to do it and do it well. There is a reason WHY she does not want to do it. I submit that the constant request for said bj is reason enough NOT to want to "do it."
It's like having your most beloved pet beagle hounding you endlessly for scraps at the dinner table. However, have that same dog lie quietly in the corner courteous and content and she's gunna get a piece of my filet mignon.


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

Married but Happy said:


> The reason could be that she is the selfish one.


Oh, absolutely. But it is most certainly not the only possible explanation, and given many of the other things that OP has posted, not even the most likely one.


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## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

First, even though I agree with you that the TV shows she watches are rubbish, sometimes a silly escape is a good thing. Don't make fun of her...she has every right to watch what she wants. I once was were she is, and after a day of kid demands, all I wanted was to be left alone, not dealing with one more person who needed my services. I know you work, but I've done both and working outside the home with adults is an entirely different thing from a SAHM with kids. There comes a point where you seriously consider slapping the next person that asks you for anything. 

As to asking and expecting a BJ...sometimes, just like an airplane landing, it's all in the approach. Do it well, perfect touchdown. Do it wrong, you crash and burn.

You can make love, or have sex.

You shower and shave...how about preparing a bubble bath for her first, let her get relaxed and to feel clean and fresh, then inquire about making love vs. she doing you.

Years ago my H used to ask for a BJ...instant turn-off. Now he says "I want to make love to you tonight and I'm going to do (insert certain sexual activity here) to you"....it gives me a heads-up so I know I can prepare (clean, fresh, lingerie) and the anticipation throughout the day makes it even better.

And edited to add...yes, he gets a BJ...every single time...without asking.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

the quotes from you other thread that slowlygoingcrazy copies here show that you do have a little work to do. Where is the romance? I bet that when in the past you were getting your BJs, you were also much more attentive and passionate towards your wife. Now you are provider, so you gave up on that part. But if you want your relationshp thrive and still be as it was at the beginning - well, you have to act like you did in the beginning. Romance, passion, time together. maybe a little sexting during the day.

And she did tell you that this is what is missing. 


You taking shower does not count as foreplay.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

UMP said:


> It's like having your most beloved pet beagle hounding you endlessly for scraps at the dinner table.


You must have a Beagle. Its what mine does. She's apparently more adept at working her technique to get food off the dinner table than this guy is at his technique to get BJs.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

ThePheonix said:


> You must have a Beagle. Its what mine does. She's apparently more adept at working her technique to get food off the dinner table than this guy is at his technique to get BJs.


But both end up in the doghouse!


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

My Beagle well be 16 if she makes it to December. Her "doghouse" is anywhere in our home she wants to be; but mostly the kitchen.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

Don't go down on her anymore since she won't recipicate. She is being selfish.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I read your other post. Things have beed bad between you for about 2 years. There was talk of PPD. Also, she seems to be really angry and resentful of you and her behavior towards you is very disrespectful. From what you describe, you are at times equally disrespectful, angry and resentful. How did you address these serious issues? You must have done if you can focus on getting a bj. 

This thread is very misleading. A few years ago you were not having sex and when you did, your wife shamed you and called you a perv. What happened since that time? Your marriage has become that of two adversaries who hate each other. Compared to that, getting a bj is nothing really.

Do you see yourself married to your wife long term? Do you love her or care about her? I have an even better question, do you think she loves you and cares about you. You need to pull out all the stops to get your marriage back on track if that is possible. Do you want a loving relationship with her or are you too drained to work hard? If you can get the energy, be proactive, make appointments for MC and IC. If your wife won't go, go yourself. Your wife very likely to be depressed. She needs treatment. You can't make her go but you can work on you and maybe you will be able to get her to accept therapy. Don't be passive. For the sake of your children, you need to act.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Others have touched on this, and they're right. Forget the whole "she's selfish" or "what she's watching on TV is affecting her" stuff.

BJ's are fairly simple to understand, imo, but getting them (and keeping them coming) is one of the trickiest things on earth. Especially the stand alone variety.

She has to be attracted to you, especially mentally and emotionally. You could be a physical specimen and that won't be enough.

She has to have the desire to please you. This is something that is not innate in all people. It isn't for your wife, so work needs to be done to recapture her desire to want to please you. Right now, it's not there.

As it's a very giving gesture, she needs to not only respect you, but be respected BY you. (this may be part of the issue right now)

She needs to trust you.


You need to put yourself in her shoes. Not literally, of course. I don't get stand alone BJs, but I do give my wife oral sex on it's own. She does not ask me to do this, or tell me she wants it. And she also is not always receptive, either. Other people here will tell you to stop doing things like this, but from my pov, I enjoy doing it, and I do not give my wife oral sex on it's own with the expectation that it will be returned. I give her oral sex just as much for my own enjoyment as hers, and so what? It doesn't mean that she is required to reciprocate, or better yet, view it the way I do.

My wife isn't like that (a pleaser), and she's allowed to be, as is your wife. Is it frustrating? Of course it is. But not everybody is built the same way.

Years ago I brought this topic up with my wife. She made the effort to give me stand alone BJs. She's always given me oral sex as foreplay, or as a finisher, but never on it's own. Never. When it's part of sex, she's amazing at it, and believe it or not, right into it. When she did it on it's own, after I talked about it with her, it was not the same. I wouldn't say she was "going through the motions" or that her heart wasn't in it - it was just not the same. _She wasn't sexually aroused by doing it_, and the difference was apparent. When it's part of sex, she IS aroused, and it makes an enormous difference.

It's since gone by the wayside, and I'm okay with that. The sheer fact that she responded to my concern and took action is enough. But because there was no possible way to get her "into it" (even though she started doing it) caused me to have no interest in receiving it. Long story short, physically it felt great, and I very much appreciated that she made the effort to please me like that, but nothing either of us could say or do would have made her truly WANT to do it, other than to get me off. And that's not what I desire(d). I think all of us men desire a woman who WANTS to do that and is into it, not just somebody who agrees to do it and goes through the motions.

I wouldn't imagine your wife, or anybody else's, would want their husband to give them oral sex in the same scenario. My wife enjoys it when I give that to her because she knows I'm right into it and I'm not doing it just for her. In other words, there's mutual satisfaction. My wife wasn't receiving any satisfaction by giving me stand alone BJs, therefore it was not pleasurable for me, apart from physically. Maybe some of you guys (or women) don't care about that, and that's okay.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

alexm said:


> Others have touched on this, and they're right. Forget the whole "she's selfish" or "what she's watching on TV is affecting her" stuff.
> 
> BJ's are fairly simple to understand, imo, but getting them (and keeping them coming) is one of the trickiest things on earth. Especially the stand alone variety.
> 
> ...


I understand exactly what you say about those stand alone bj's and your other examples. My wife is very similar.
Something I tried that helped for the stand alone bj was watching porn before and while she was doing it. For some reason she was more into it while I was watching porn......and I'm ok with that:grin2:

The other thing that helped was being VERY vocal during the process. Just as when you are giving stand alone fur burger and she is writhing and moaning, you get more into it. Same on the other end. Give her lots of feedback, it seems to help me.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

I have no problems with just bjs. Sometimes, I just need to take care of my man. He is tired, he needs some loving and my fire takes a minimum of 30 mins or so to start burning. So, on those nights when I want to because I just love him so, I take control and blow his mind. LOL.

Reason I have no problems, is because he is an unselfish lover. He puts so much time into me and makes sure I am enjoying things and I am feeling satisfied. And I enjoy him. I like how he looks, smells and tastes. 

He never asks me to do it. He never demands it. He never pushes my head down there. He never expects it. I do it because I want to. If ever he becomes an ass and starts demanding, it over and done with. 

This is my way of showing my love for him. Its my gift to him.

And thats how you get just bjs.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
It is wonderful that you are willing and happy to do that for him, and wonderful that he is a good lover who cares about your pleasure.

There are a lot of women though who will not do oral despite having loving partners who are good to them in and out of bed. While some (for whatever reason) find the act really repulsive, others just don't enjoy it much and don't see why they should do something that they don't actively enjoy.





brooklynAnn said:


> I have no problems with just bjs. Sometimes, I just need to take care of my man. He is tired, he needs some loving and my fire takes a minimum of 30 mins or so to start burning. So, on those nights when I want to because I just love him so, I take control and blow his mind. LOL.
> 
> Reason I have no problems, is because he is an unselfish lover. He puts so much time into me and makes sure I am enjoying things and I am feeling satisfied. And I enjoy him. I like how he looks, smells and tastes.
> 
> ...


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

brooklynAnn said:


> And thats how you get just bjs.


That's partially how you get them, yes, but not the entirety.

She still has to be a pleaser by nature. Some women fit all the requirements and such that you described above (or just as importantly, their man does) yet just don't have that natural, innate sense of wanting to please their man, at least in that way.

My ex wife, before the BJ's stopped (TMJ), needed a reminder on occasion that I enjoy BJ's. Once given this reminder (gentle, by the way, hinting, etc.) she was more than happy to provide and very much got into it, and enjoyed it. But unlike you, it would never happen without a little hint here and there.

My current wife might do them once in a while if I "remind" her, or otherwise hint at it, but she will not be into it at all, whereas my ex wife would. I was fine asking/hinting/reminding my ex wife once in a while, because she had no problem doing it, and even seemed to enjoy it, or get something out of it. My wife does not, so I don't ask.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

alexm said:


> That's partially how you get them, yes, but not the entirety.


And some women, no matter how much she wants to please her man, will not put a d*ck in her mouth at gunpoint.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

brooklynAnn said:


> I have no problems with just bjs. Sometimes, I just need to take care of my man. He is tired, he needs some loving and my fire takes a minimum of 30 mins or so to start burning. So, on those nights when I want to because I just love him so, I take control and blow his mind. LOL.
> 
> Reason I have no problems, is because he is an unselfish lover. He puts so much time into me and makes sure I am enjoying things and I am feeling satisfied. And I enjoy him. I like how he looks, smells and tastes.
> 
> ...


Yup. You have to marry a woman that likes doing it. So for those of us that married women that it doesn't just pop into their heads unbidden, we're pretty much SOL, because talking about it, hinting around it, asking straight out, etc etc etc is an instant turnoff. Yet the thought doesn't occur to them otherwise.

Catch 22.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

you guys a incompatible sexually.

its not likely to change.

she's not going to wake up one morning and think oh my god I love sucking my man off.

and your not going to wake up and say I'm never going to care if I ever get blown again.


accept it and love her for her good qualities or make it a deal breaker and move on.

good luck


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

chillymorn said:


> you guys a incompatible sexually.
> 
> its not likely to change.
> 
> ...


Tastes and personalities do change.

I never liked oysters, but for some reason kept trying them and now I love them.

I never liked tarter sauce, but for some reason kept trying and now I love it.

I never thought I could play golf and started at 23. I got to a 4 handicap when I was in my mid 30's.

When I started my job I absolutely hated it for years, now I love it.

My wife was meh about sex since day one. Now it's my bi-weekly stress test. Several months ago, after sex, my wife actually asked me "how can sex be this good after 20+ years?"

My philosophy is never give up, and pray. I actually pray as often as I can remember, to God, for a great sex life. 

One thing my wife said she will absolutely never like is anal sex. She has told me this since day one. Now, she accepts (and likes) a vibrator, fingers, tongue, small plug, and other assorted objects. It's only a matter of time. >


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

UMP, you're the exception that proves the rule, I'm afraid.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

Fozzy said:


> UMP, you're the exception that proves the rule, I'm afraid.


I am not an exception.

I am an average person.

However, in everything that I enjoy in life, I do take it to it's limits, with an absolute unwavering determination. Achieving great sex with my wife is probably the most gratifying experience of my life. It's like Christmas when you're 8 years old, every time.

It's so good that right after my orgasm, for a couple minutes I actually get depressed because I have just experienced nirvana and am left completely drained.

The reason I am here is to continually learn something new. I don't believe I will ever stop needing to learn more. But also I want to give people hope. In my mind, If I can do it, anyone can.

I need to add the fact that I am a Christian and I do pray, specifically for a great sex life. And, I am not talking about general prayer. I get really specific. God gave me this woman and in my faith, started the institution of marriage. Who better to go to for help than the one who started it all.

"with God, all things are possible" Great sex with my wife is no exception.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

@UMP

The reason I say you're the exception that proves the rule is that by your own admission, people's tastes and preferences change.

Certainly your own improvements played a role in it. But bottom line is that your wife was willing to be receptive to those changes at some point. Whatever switch got thrown in your wife's head that caused her to be ok with that stuff was just as vital as your actions. The two had to be in alignment.

A lot of guys do what you've done--get in shape, attitude adjustment, etc, and it makes not a whit of difference.

Focusing more narrowly on BJ's for the sake of keeping it relevant to the thread, if a woman simply does not find the idea appealing for it's own sake, it's generally just not going to happen--no matter how well dressed you are.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Fozzy said:


> @UMP
> Focusing more narrowly on BJ's for the sake of keeping it relevant to the thread, if a woman simply does not find the idea appealing for it's own sake, it's generally just not going to happen--no matter how well dressed you are.


Exactly. If you saw the look of revulsion on my wife's face when you make her think of putting a penis in her mouth, any penis, even Channing Tatum's, you'd know it doesn't really have a lot to do with me. If you think it's just a matter of time, well, be prepared to wait for the heat death of the universe.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

UMP said:


> Tastes and personalities do change.
> 
> I never liked oysters, but for some reason kept trying them and now I love them.
> 
> ...


hope springs eternal.


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## JohnSmithh (Feb 5, 2013)

I appreciate all of the feedback. I do admit, I definitely was fired up reading some of the replies.

I posted this on Tuesday, August 11th. I left home on Sunday morning for business and will return next Friday. I was hoping to have sex with the wife before leaving and unfortunately that didn't happen. After ten years, I think she's good for once a week. If I try to push for more, I get shutdown. So I guess I'll settle for my once a week sex life. I'm not happy about and Ive told her. She's fine with it.

I called and texted with her yesterday and let her know when I was taking off and landing. Haven't heard from here since then. I would normally get a phone call or a text but I have yet to receive anything. Looks like we're in a Mexican stand-off right now.

I'd like to stay married because I am concerned about what divorce would do to our kids. She came from a broken home, I didn't. I see the effect it has on her sisters and their lives. I don't want that for my kids. 

Like I said in my post, I use this medium as a place to vent. I don't feel like I can talk to anyone about it. I'm a company commander in the Army and it's just not something that people in my position openly talk about. We're supposed to be the ones getting it right. So thanks for listening.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Was your home stable, with loving parents? 

I would argue that unstable homes result in comparable damage.

My wife was not cut out to be an Army spouse, but did so for 11 years so we could get to retirement. Another year or two may have done our marriage in. It took us a year to reconcile. My son was starting to exhibit behavioral issues because we argued constantly, did not cherish each other or show affection, and just overall avoided each other. And our sex life was broken as a result of everything else.

How many times have you been in the sandbox? How many JRTC/NTC rotations? Gunneries? Remote QTB's? Other time away?

So I put this to you: 

What is she so resentful about?

Answer that, and you have found a huge piece of the puzzle.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

JohnSmithh said:


> I appreciate all of the feedback. I do admit, I definitely was fired up reading some of the replies.
> 
> I posted this on Tuesday, August 11th. I left home on Sunday morning for business and will return next Friday. I was hoping to have sex with the wife before leaving and unfortunately that didn't happen. After ten years, I think she's good for once a week. If I try to push for more, I get shutdown. So I guess I'll settle for my once a week sex life. I'm not happy about and Ive told her. She's fine with it.
> 
> ...


Just my humble opinion here.

shes not happy and your not happy but you guys are trudging on in an unsatisfying marriage .....for the kids and hoping that some day things will be different. 

make an appointment with a marriage counselor. when you get home stop and buy some flowers greet her with a big warm I love you and miss you. Give her a kiss like there's no tomorrow followed by a hug that's just tight and long enough. Then later when your alone say honey we need to talk.

Tell her you want to work on your marriage that you feel like your drifting apart and its been bothering you for sometime now. tell her you made an appointment for a marriage councilor and you would her her to come with you and try to bring things around where you both get what you need out of your marriage. Tell her you realize that there are things that you could have done better to be a better husband and you want to work on them as well as her working on things that could make her a better wife.

If she act indifferent then it time to $hot or get off the pot so to speak.


Good luck.


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## JohnSmithh (Feb 5, 2013)

farsidejunky said:


> Was your home stable, with loving parents?
> 
> How many times have you been in the sandbox? How many JRTC/NTC rotations? Gunneries? Remote QTB's? Other time away?
> 
> ...


My home was very stable. Grew up in the same town with the same friends. Very loving and nurturing. My Mom was and is still solid. I look at how she raised three wild and crazy boys and all the things we did and compare it to how my wife DOESN'T do some of those things.

Been deployed over ten times since 2002 with the last one being in 2011. Afghanistan five times, Iraq in 2003, Kosovo, and east Africa. Lots of time away but I'm telling you, it felt like we were stronger then. Time apart helped maybe. Always in the honeymoon stage.

She's resentful because she thinks I demand too much of her. I tell her that's right, I do demand a lot and you should demand a lot from me. I shouldn't come home to piles and piles of dirty clothes. She shouldn't have to tell me to fix things, etc. We've down marriage retreats with the Army and those are okay. We did a couples group counseling and that went well and made things better for a little while.

One of the main reasons we fight is that she calls me a work regularly to fix really easy stuff. She needs me to make appointments for the kids or figure something out which can easily be sorted out by a quick google search. I don't have time to be Mommy AND Daddy. And this where I don't feel bad because my Mom did all this stuff and more. She took the dogs to the vet, took three of us to baseball and soccer. My wife won't do that. "It's too far to drive" or "there will be traffic."

Like I said, I go to work at 0400 to be there in time for PT which starts at 0600. Takes me an hour to get home and I usually leave at 5 or 530. I get home and I'm hungry. Eat dinner, wrestle with kids, get kids ready for bed, read them stories, and by 830p they're asleep. As soon as I get home my wife hands it over to me. She basically quits and has me do everything. I'm a POS if I don't do the dishes. So I go from a fairly important job, have about an hour to collect myself for the drive home, and then step into job 2.

Thanks for the vent. Thank you for listening.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Have you tried to unpack why she feels overwhelmed? She clearly does.

ETA: And why do you resent her for feeling overwhelmed?


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## JohnSmithh (Feb 5, 2013)

farsidejunky said:


> Have you tried to unpack why she feels overwhelmed? She clearly does.


I think she wants to get back to working soon. She's doing several small projects and can't get them to take off. Seems to have a hard time balancing personal ambitions with home life. 

She wants to settle down I think. Wants her own home. Due to the military, we've moved three times in the past three years. So maybe she's restless. I do know she's stated several times how she wants her own home. I can retire in three years so maybe that's what needs to happen.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Maybe.

But the larger question (that is concerning) is you are guessing the answer to that question.

It means you are trying to piece the answer together because you don't know. 

Here is your 2x4.

Ask the damn question to her and find out for certain.

"Wife, there are clearly some things that overwhelm you lately. I have been hard on you and am very sorry for that. Help me understand what is going on that is causing you to feel overwhelmed."

Then ask bridging questions:

"How does that affect you?"

"In what way?"

And be empathetic. She is not a Soldier who is in front of you for popping hot or getting a DUI. She is your wife, and while you may disapprove of her results, do you really question her effort?

Empathy can help you help her sort through it.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

JohnSmithh said:


> My home was very stable. Grew up in the same town with the same friends. Very loving and nurturing. My Mom was and is still solid. I look at how she raised three wild and crazy boys and all the things we did and compare it to how my wife DOESN'T do some of those things.
> 
> Been deployed over ten times since 2002 with the last one being in 2011. Afghanistan five times, Iraq in 2003, Kosovo, and east Africa. Lots of time away but I'm telling you, it felt like we were stronger then. Time apart helped maybe. Always in the honeymoon stage.
> 
> ...


Sounds like you had a first class mom, but was she also a first class wife to your dad? At the risk of making you retch--how do you know your dad was getting the occasional BJ?

Not really fair to compare your wife's job of being a wife to you with your mom's job of being a mom to you. Apples and oranges.


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## JohnSmithh (Feb 5, 2013)

Hardtohandle said:


> I think in this instance the OP is fair with his issues. Mind you I have no clue how old his kids are..
> 
> But for the OP... Did you ever think 69 ?


Kids are 10, 8, 3. 

I wish she would 69. We used to but now she won't do it. Sex is only in our bed. Sometimes, when the kids are all asleep I'll start trying to fool around with her on the couch and she tells me to leave her alone or calls me a perv. When your spouse says that, it's extremely hurtful. Then she'll ask why I'm standoffish and I'll tell her, "because you basically told me to **** off."


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## JohnSmithh (Feb 5, 2013)

Fozzy said:


> Sounds like you had a first class mom, but was she also a first class wife to your dad? At the risk of making you retch--how do you know your dad was getting the occasional BJ?


Thanks, she was and still is. And you're right, no clue about their sex life. They're still married and going strong.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

JohnSmithh said:


> Kids are 10, 8, 3.
> 
> I wish she would 69. We used to but now she won't do it. Sex is only in our bed. Sometimes, when the kids are all asleep I'll start trying to fool around with her on the couch and *she tells me to leave her alone or calls me a perv*. When your spouse says that, it's extremely hurtful. Then she'll ask why I'm standoffish and I'll tell her, "because you basically told me to **** off."


Yeah, that one stings.


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## JohnSmithh (Feb 5, 2013)

Holland said:


> OK since reading the quoted past post of yours it seems that perhaps you are a selfish person and lover. Might want to open your mind a bit about what is actually going on in your home and marriage.


Great diagnosis, Doc.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

How often do you verbally bag on your wife about domestic stuff? Laundry and the like?

If you had to make a choice between good housekeeper and wife who wants to rock the bed--which would you choose?


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## JohnSmithh (Feb 5, 2013)

Fozzy said:


> How often do you verbally bag on your wife about domestic stuff? Laundry and the like?
> 
> If you had to make a choice between good housekeeper and wife who wants to rock the bed--which would you choose?


I never bag on her about the laundry. I just see it when I get home and I just kinda sighhhhh. I RARELY make comments about the house being clean because with three kids, that's not going to happen. I'm definitely a realist in that respect.

Definitely would choose the "freak in the sheets" over housekeeping. She knows that too. I'm in such a better mood. It's like a drug/reward. Makes me want to do things and makes me a better man. Like I'm being treated as a King. It makes me want to do anything for her like walk through walls or fight a grizzly bear.

However, when I'm neglected, I just focus on the kids and do more PT. It's very hard for me to show affection when I'm shutdown like that. Very hard.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

You may not be verbalizing it, but it's possible she's picking up on cues from you anyway. Is it financially viable to get a maid now and then?

ETA--the maid is as much for you as it is for her. I have 3 kids also, so i know how quickly a house gets destroyed. It's hard for me to relax in a dirty house, and it's hard for my wife also--you either have to train yourself to be ok with the mess, or bust your ass every night AFTER they go to bed.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Sighing is VERY condescending. It hasn't occurred to you that she picks this up and knows you look down on her? Yeah, that's a great way to facilitate sex.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JohnSmithh (Feb 5, 2013)

Fozzy said:


> You may not be verbalizing it, but it's possible she's picking up on cues from you anyway. Is it financially viable to get a maid now and then?
> 
> ETA--the maid is as much for you as it is for her. I have 3 kids also, so i know how quickly a house gets destroyed. It's hard for me to relax in a dirty house, and it's hard for my wife also--you either have to train yourself to be ok with the mess, or bust your ass every night AFTER they go to bed.


It's financially viable and something I could look into. But besides, the laundry and dishes, that's about it. It's a normal house.


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## JohnSmithh (Feb 5, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> Sighing is VERY condescending. It hasn't occurred to you that she picks this up and knows you look down on her? Yeah, that's a great way to facilitate sex.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I don't sigh out loud or make a scene. If anything, she can see it in my body language. Your replies are extremely helpful. Please keep dropping the knowledge on me.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

What's her "thing"? What is it that makes her feel the way a BJ makes you feel?


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

All male desire is evil. Or something.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Ask her what she wants and LISTEN to what she has to say.. Do NOT inject what YOU think she might be feeling or saying.. If it takes her 20 minutes to get something out just let it happen.. 

BUT do not in any way possibly impose any feelings or thoughts on her.. 

Repeat back to her so you understand what she is saying so you both are confirming it..

I know its retarded but I'm gonna tell you.. The both of you have to fight for your relationship.. You guys need to fight very hard to stay together.. Don't let this bullsh!t break you both up.. 

I really get the annoyance of hearing her say it's too far or too much traffic when it comes to the kids.. In my mind as well, it's our kids. Nothing is too far or too much traffic when it comes to them.. 

And yes it seems like she might have some poor time management skills.. But again I'm gonna be honest, I don't know your kids.. 

I can tell you good or bad my kids are like soldiers. They say Yes to me and not Yea... They get up off their a$$es when I get home and come to the door to say hello to me.. 

They never wrote on the walls in my home. They never threw a temper tantrum in a store.. They never threw a temper tantrum in my home.. 

Nutshell they do what I tell them to do.. 

In many ways it's great being a single parent and having this security of knowing my kids won't set the house on fire when I am not there.. But I also understand they might be a bit more reserved because of it.

But I don't have a clue how your kids are.. Maybe she just isn't just good with kids.. Maybe they have no discipline because of it.. Maybe you don't see it or get it since you come home for 6 to 630 and only spend a few hours playing with them before they are off to bed.. 

Again I don't know.. 

Look my EX wife was suzie home maker. She took care of the kids, cooked, baked for them, made cupcakes for the school, went on most of the trips, did all the stuff needed for school and such. 

I was the bad guy in the house with the discipline and such.. I hated being the d0uchebag to my kids.. 

But in the end my Ex wife left me and the kids pretty much.. She hasn't seen the oldest in almost 3 years now.. 

Do you get it... 

But I also get the resentment you get when she calls YOU a perv.. She had to have fvcked you a few times to have these kids.. But now you're a perv ?

My whole point is find out what the real problem is and take it from there.. Sometimes it takes several conversations before the truth comes out.. Counseling ?

Just fight for this like your life depended on it.. Let her know you're gonna do that as well..


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

In the (somewhat) words of the infamous Dr. Phil, if you want sex on Saturday you have to start the previous Monday. She needs to wrap her mind around it. Compliments and sweet-talk during the week help.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> In the (somewhat) words of the infamous Dr. Phil, if you want sex on Saturday you have to start the previous Monday. She needs to wrap her mind around it. Compliments and sweet-talk during the week help.


Are you ****ting me? I have to kiss my wife's ass for a week to get sex once on Saturday? :rofl: I'll pass.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Blondilocks said:


> In the (somewhat) words of the infamous Dr. Phil, if you want sex on Saturday you have to start the previous Monday. She needs to wrap her mind around it. Compliments and sweet-talk during the week help.


Not a universal truth. Some women want it every day.

Also, a guy that acts a certain way for a solid week for the purpose of getting laid? How is that not manipulative?

Nothing wrong with compliments and sweet talk. If she's not worth a compliment, why is she worth having sex with? But the whole gaming her for a week to get her in the mood business is kind of....ew.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

"But the whole gaming her for a week to get her in the mood business is kind of....ew."

As opposed to "I'm getting in the shower now. Be ready to suck my **** when I get out." 

Why do you consider treating your wife nicely as 'gaming'? Perhaps men would be happier with their sex lives if they understood that some women just don't want to be used. They need to feel an emotional connection, first.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Blondilocks said:


> "But the whole gaming her for a week to get her in the mood business is kind of....ew."
> 
> As opposed to "I'm getting in the shower now. Be ready to suck my **** when I get out."
> 
> Why do you consider treating your wife nicely as 'gaming'? Perhaps men would be happier with their sex lives if they understood that some women just don't want to be used. They need to feel an emotional connection, first.


See below



Fozzy said:


> Nothing wrong with compliments and sweet talk. If she's not worth a compliment, why is she worth having sex with?


My point is that telling a guy that he needs to be nice to his wife for the purpose of getting her in the mood for sex is the wrong message to send to a guy. He needs to be nice to his wife because she's his wife.


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## TJA (Aug 24, 2015)

Have you tried talking about the reasons she doesn't want to? 

It could be a number of things... For instance the taste, hygiene (it sounds like you've got this one handled though) and so on. 

But if you come out of the shower and expect her to give you a bj and on top of that show your frustration every time she doesn't she will likely never do it. 

Instead try not focusing on bj's for the next week or two and just focus on making her happy, really go the extra mile for her. Be as unselfish in and outside the bedroom as you can. And do it because you love her not because you wan't BJ's 

Then try letting her know how much you miss that part of your sex life.


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## Quigster (Aug 1, 2015)

JohnSmithh said:


> You guys know the story because it's written all over these forums. Prior to getting married, GF gave BJs. First few years of marriage, wife gave BJs. Now the word BJ in my house means that I am just being selfish.


I don't really understand why this sort of behavior is so common. Or, maybe I do understand it but I don't want to admit it. The women who pull the bait-and-switch are using oral sex to entice their men into marriage. After they've hooked their fish, there's no point in continuing to bait them.

I think your situation is similar to mine, though it appears your viewpoint towards the situation may be different. Do let me know if you ever arrive at a satisfactory solution, 'coz I sure haven't found one yet.


Quigster


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Quigster said:


> I don't really understand why this sort of behavior is so common. Or, maybe I do understand it but I don't want to admit it. The women who pull the bait-and-switch are using oral sex to entice their men into marriage. After they've hooked their fish, there's no point in continuing to bait them.
> 
> I think your situation is similar to mine, though it appears your viewpoint towards the situation may be different. Do let me know if you ever arrive at a satisfactory solution, 'coz I sure haven't found one yet.
> 
> ...


or the men, so adoring, romantic, and helpful stop being adoring, and romantic and and helpful once they "entice their women into marriage". Then they are surprised she is has changed. Bait and switch goes both ways.


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

Speak for yourself, no enticing involved - she was the one that wanted marriage .


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
It certainly can go both ways. Often though it seems to go one way. One person gets lazy, the other keeps trying harder and all balance is lost. I don't know if there is a gender bias in which way this goes. 




WandaJ said:


> or the men, so adoring, romantic, and helpful stop being adoring, and romantic and and helpful once they "entice their women into marriage". Then they are surprised she is has changed. Bait and switch goes both ways.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

WandaJ said:


> or the men, so adoring, romantic, and helpful stop being adoring, and romantic and and helpful once they "entice their women into marriage". Then they are surprised she is has changed. Bait and switch goes both ways.


Very good point and something I have to remind myself of daily!

For example, 24 years into my marriage I find myself having great sex but not touching my wife much in between sessions. I have found that she very much enjoys me holding her hand, kissing her and generally paying lots of attention to her EVERY day, not just the days I want sex.

As I once read, somewhere...."Foreplay happens immediately after your last orgasm." That's THE TRUTH !


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

No i do not think your being selfish as its something you really like, and if you like it you like it:smile2:... I have said it before many times on here, If i told my husband no more bj's he would collapse and faint on the floor as its his NO 1.

I often wondered what would happen and how my husband would feel if i never enjoyed giving them ( I do) so i asked him, not to long ago either i was intrigued so i said "would you have married me" " would it have changed anything" he said no i would just have to accept it... but he has no worries because i do enjoy them, and do not mind giving them.

I can understand tho how it must be for someone that does not like giving them. I have a friend who will not give them no matter what she hates them.. must be hard for her hubby, as shes told me he does feel hes missing something, but lives with it.

The thing is if its always been a part of your relationship and then they suddenly stop then i can understand why its pissed you off. Its like the cat without the cream:wink2:.

I would just speak to her and tell her how much you really miss them and how much it bothers you without being kept called selfish because i do not think it is being selfish. There are some things that i really enjoy and if my husband stopped i would feel a bit deflated and fed up. Give and take that is what its all about.


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

lovelygirl said:


> Even behind a computer screen, I perceive your sense of selfishness. It's like you ask for it and you want to have your BJ, regardless of the possibility that she doesn't enjoy it.
> You said you do everything for her, but are those acts of service what she wants??
> Just because you think you do things right, it doesn't mean they are- because she simply doesn't see it that way. You give her oral regularly, but if she doesn't enjoy it , who cares? You give it because she enjoys it or YOU enjoy it? If it's the latter, then she could be right...you're selfish.
> With this being said, I'm not saying you're all wrong and she's totally right. But you should find her love-language so that she can feel desired just like you want to. If she doesn't feel desired and if her needs aren't being met then you insisting on getting yours met, will sound selfish.
> ...


I do not think there is anything really wrong with that statement at all. I do not think its being selfish. I like keeping my husband happy nothing wrong with that. I have to say i hate seeing him unhappy, but it works both ways. Sometimes we all do things were not entirely happy with its life. This man could say that his wife is the one being selfish because shes denying him a thing that he loves???


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I think in an ideal world both partners would do things the other likes but neither would nag for it, it would be given freely. Provided of course it's not extremely unpleasant for the spouse, and frankly I don't know who gets off when they know their partner hates it.

I can't say that giving bj's are the most awesome thing I can imagine but I don't mind, especially because hb is quite generous with the oral himself. 

But if he got out of the shower and proclaimed that he was entitled to one because he'd gone to work he could kiss my arse. I work too, you aren't entitled to rewards for doing what you're supposed to do. 

Both genders have a tendency to get lazy after marriage and we have to make an effort to keep the connection going. It's a good idea to think back to what you did when you were dating and try to mimic that from time to time, or as often as you can.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
I agree with lifeistooshort - favors freely given by both is the ideal. 

There is no good solution when one of the partners does not want to do favors for the other.


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

Hey John--

Not sure if you're still reading, but I thought I would chime in as I see some parallels to my marriage here.

You've got the provider role locked down. Given how you described your childhood, it seems you assume your wife should have the homemaker role locked down too.

Only thing is your wife isn't up to it. She knows she's struggling and then you come home and she feels more pressure. Maybe you're explicitly putting pressure on her (like for sex) or maybe she just sees you killing it in the provider role and she sees herself struggling in her role and feels bad by comparison.

There's not a great solution to this dynamic, in my opinion. You could go the extra help route (cleaning lady, do more yourself, etc) but one side effect of this could be increased resentment from both of you because this will just emphasize how incapable she is.

You could support her in going back to work outside of the home, but my guess is that she will struggle even more in that dynamic because she will be inadequate both in the workplace and in the home.

My guess is she feels very helpless and insecure and her controlling sex is the way she feels more powerful compared to you.

My advice would be to just try to accept that she will never be an equal contributor to your family. Accept that you need to not only carry the financial load, but also do a disproportionate share of the household activities.

Learn to accept this without resentment. If you take on more at home and she senses judgment, it will backfire.

However, if you truly lighten her burden, maybe (big maybe, I'm afraid) she'll be relieved.

I think this has to be done surreptitiously so she just thinks life is getting easier on its own.

If she senses you trying to save her, she'll probably just resent you for that too.

Good luck.


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## Mrs.Submission (Aug 16, 2015)

Looks like a bait and switch to me. She gave BJs to get you to commit and to keep you happy for a little while. Now she knows that she doesn't have to do it anymore. Failing that, it could be that your wife has some hidden resentments and those feelings are manifesting themselves in refusing to blow you. 

While I don't think that you are selfish for wanting a BJ, the way you might be coming across could be turning off your wife. Telling her you're ready for a BJ and she should do it to make you happy comes across as demanding. Also, reminding her that you give her everything she wants could make your wife feel like a prostitute. I wouldn't like it if my husband acted like he was entitled to a sex act that I didn't enjoy. There are certain things that I have only done with my husband because he never badgered me. He was genuinely interested and sympathetic of the reasons for my reluctance. There was also some gentle persuasion only when I was aroused. 

Do you look down on your wife? I'm asking because of your comment about what she watches. Men often feel superior to women when they are providing financial support for us. Between your forceful comments about being owed blow jobs and the way you talked down to your wife, it could be that your wife feels disrespected and hurt by your attitude.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

FrenchFry said:


> Oh man, the *sigh* is pretty much the worst thing ever. If there is anything you could to to stop this it would be amazing.
> 
> I'm telling you, I hear the sigh from _downstairs_ and my body turns off immediately. I have no motivation to be remotely nice to my husband if he is giving me grief about laundry.
> 
> ...


I totally get this, FF.

The problem is you are telling him to stop without giving him something to do to hopefully improve things beyond that. That is the first step. Stopping gives relief for his wife. But what is next?

I have been in his shoes. It has taken a year and a half to recover. And my situation was probably not as advanced as his.


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