# I am so scared!



## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

After talking and talking and talking (all brought on by me) I am leaving! Without going into our story, basically he is and has been totally passive aggresive. Refusing to separate, refusing to give me anything I need, refusing to even ackowlege there is a problem....instead, he walks around like nothing has happened or that I've even said what I've said to him.

I'm scared and mad and just plain tired of it all.
I'm going to therapy (and have been for about 3+ months)
In that time, he has refused to go several times....
He says he loves me...how is that possible?

How can you love someone and: 
1. not hear or care what they are saying?
2. Refuse to even TRY therapy?
3. Not want to talk about what's going on?

The ONLY thing he's said is, "We don't need anyone or to separate, we can do this ourselves"

Really?!? I've been trying for three years! 

Our whole history is pretty much in my very first thread.
I've come here for support before and I need some encouragement. Not how to fix it, I've tried and I can't do it alone. I've tried talking to him and I have reached my breaking point....

I am struggling with up and moving out (during the week while he's on a job) and just leaving a note. An attorney I spoke to told me to do that....and I didn't want to, I wanted to tell him. But he's not talking....

My son knows that there are major problems and he and I have done more talking (very simple stuff and I am not going to bash his Dad...whether he does me or not) I have friends who are willing to take the day off to help me (one of which is a police officer-so I feel better if he was to pop in). 

Has anyone here done this? What should I expect?
HELP!

Thanks for reading...thought I would be brief but if you've ever posted here....you know what a challenge that can be lol

M


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

I'm not sure what the laws are in your state, surely you have discussed this with the lawyer. In my state whoever leaves the home gets nothing. You may get child support but as far as anything else nothing at all. It may not be like that where you are. Then again, you may not want anything either, house, alimony etc. Which is fine too, because I don't know what all you both share jointly.

However, I will say this, good for you! Good for you taking a stand and actually doing something. I'm not happy things are not going well for you, but I'm just saying at least you have decided to do something rather than continually sitting in a situation that may or may not change.


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## BoardNMom (Jan 10, 2011)

Good for you for taking that step. I think it has to be one of the hardest steps to take.

In my state it's a 50/50 thing. Doesn't matter who leaves the home etc...If both parties can agree then you can just use a mediator to determine how to divide it up. One person may get the house but they must pay the other half of the equity or it could even out based on 401k accounts and other assets.


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

Thank you! FINALLY...I was so scared and then no one responded, I got REALLY scared.

I am in the state of South Carolina. We HAVE to be separated for one year (unless there is abuse, alcoholism, adultery etc) before we can divorce. Everything that we have is split down the middle. So when I leave, I'm taking what I need....which in all fairness isn't even half. He is refusing to leave (even though his parents own a home that sits empty and there would be no financial burden) and trust me...I've asked so many times!
He is leaving me no choice....
I will officially hire an attorney and work on a "separation agreement" (b/c in SC there isn't a legal separation) and we'll go in front of a judge and the judge will decide who lives in our home.
Judges tend to rule for the mothers unless they are drug addicts, abusive or can prove to be un-fit....I am none of those.
I have tried so hard to be nice, please let's just take some time apart to see how we feel (him::we don't need it, we can fix this) Please go stay in your parents vacant home (him::they don't know anything and I'm not leaving our home, my son or u) Please go to therapy with me (him::I don't believe in giving someone money and I don't believe in therapy) My insurance pays all but $19.80 GRRR

So there you have it....
Not only does he not care about my needs and me, but he is forcing me to do this, which makes me so mad. I had hope for us, now I do not. If he won't even try now, why should I believe he would try in the future....time to move on!

*sigh*


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## BoardNMom (Jan 10, 2011)

I'm in NC and the laws are pretty similar. I'm sorry you are having to do this. Doesn't sound like he cares about your wants or needs at all though. I hope everything goes well for you and you are able to get what you need without too many issues.


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

BoardNMom said:


> I'm in NC and the laws are pretty similar. I'm sorry you are having to do this. Doesn't sound like he cares about your wants or needs at all though. I hope everything goes well for you and you are able to get what you need without too many issues.


Thanks! Now that I look back, I'm not sure he ever truely cared about my needs. I have been a good wife and Mother. I've made him my priority in my life...my #1. He's a good person, but I can't stay just b/c of that or my son. I am not the mother he deserves....I go to my bedroom (we haven't shared a bed in 10 years) and just stay there or we go in my son's playroom but the three of us never do anything together. I'm on the verge of tears daily b/c I walk around in a fog. I've plainly said, "we need to separate" and he just acts like I never said it. How frustrating!

I woke up in a panic last night, realizing what I'm about to do. It's so scary b/c I've been with this man for nearly 20 years.....I've never really lived on my own. So all this is new and very very scary. But I'm biting the bullet for happiness. At this point....it's hard to imagine I'll regret it or miss him.


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## BoardNMom (Jan 10, 2011)

well good luck with it all. I have been struggling with what I want to do to make myself happy lately a lot. I admire you for being able to do that.


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

BoardNMom said:


> well good luck with it all. I have been struggling with what I want to do to make myself happy lately a lot. I admire you for being able to do that.


It's taken me a VERY long time to get here....
Lots of pushing/pulling for some type of communication, therapy, leaning on friends and learning from some.

It isn't easy and as I am so close, I'm scared. Plain and simple.
But I've felt this way before and didn't do anything...I guess I've reached my limit. We all have them....


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## spartan (Jun 8, 2010)

well you took action and thats a great start i would say. The worst part in all of this is the uncertainty of the unknown. How do you know if you made a right or wrong decision right?

Either way, you took the action instead of letting the action come to you so whatever happens you did this for yourself! GOOD FOR YOU!

and i agree about taking the high road with the kids, post-divorce is most crucial to the kids and the way you handle yourself from here on out is how your child will respond


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## AlwaysThinkingMaybe (Jan 31, 2011)

I read your first thread after your reply to mine. Honestly when you first posted, I couldn't think we were that similar, cause with the avatar picture you have I never would have though we were so close in age.

You're right, our situations are similar, especially how I feel. Though, my husband and I still share a bed.

When I read this: "I woke up @40 and realized that I wasn't getting what I needed. Decided to sit down with him and try to tell him things I thought we could do and even as a family to become closer. I feel like he's given up on life and the adventure of it." .. I almost cried because its easily the same words I would have posted.

Be sure you have spoken to a qualified lawyer before you move out. I've known such horror stories from people who have gotten into that situation for the worse.


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

spartan said:


> well you took action and thats a great start i would say. The worst part in all of this is the uncertainty of the unknown. How do you know if you made a right or wrong decision right?
> 
> Either way, you took the action instead of letting the action come to you so whatever happens you did this for yourself! GOOD FOR YOU!
> 
> and i agree about taking the high road with the kids, post-divorce is most crucial to the kids and the way you handle yourself from here on out is how your child will respond


Thank you!
All I can really be certain of at this point is that I'm making a change. Would love for a miracle to happen and he open his eyes but sadly, he hasn't in so long, this can be the only thing that does. And do I want that back? See...the thing for me is, if I didn't leave, then he doesn't have to make any changes or even ask himself what happened b/c I am enabling him to continue the same pattern. It took weeks of therapy for me to see that....I really wish I would miss him.....but the "him" I knew has been gone so long. And don't get me wrong, I've changed too....but I think I was so into him and his wants and needs, I didn't put myself first. Well, I would say around 40 I woke up and asked myself..."what do I want and need?" It's definately not a one-sided, non-existant sex life with a man who says he loves me, but doesn't act like it. He is simply a roommate to me now....I feel for you men, rejection SUCKS! And depending on how it happens, can be devistating!

My son is the one I'm really worried about now....he knows things aren't good. I've gone thru how he will react over and over....I will just do my best to explain the situation, answer his questions and honestly and briefly as I can, hold him and just show him I'm fine and he will be too.


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

AlwaysThinkingMaybe said:


> I read your first thread after your reply to mine. Honestly when you first posted, I couldn't think we were that similar, cause with the avatar picture you have I never would have though we were so close in age.
> 
> You're right, our situations are similar, especially how I feel. Though, my husband and I still share a bed.
> 
> ...


In my state, it doesn't matter who moves out...but it has to happen before you can even get to a court hearing for an agreement. It's like a pre-divorce agreement that takes care of everything you own, assets, visitation etc. We can't be living in the same house and be considered "separated" and you have to be separated for a year before you can divorce. My husband refuses to leave, so I'm acting off advice from my attorney....and I've spoken with a few.

Our stories are similar...and what's sad is, it didn't have to get to this point. If he had even tried, we could quite possibly be happy! Best of luck to you!


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## spartan (Jun 8, 2010)

JustAGirl said:


> Thank you!
> All I can really be certain of at this point is that I'm making a change. Would love for a miracle to happen and he open his eyes but sadly, he hasn't in so long, this can be the only thing that does. And do I want that back? See...the thing for me is, if I didn't leave, then he doesn't have to make any changes or even ask himself what happened b/c I am enabling him to continue the same pattern. It took weeks of therapy for me to see that....I really wish I would miss him.....but the "him" I knew has been gone so long. And don't get me wrong, I've changed too....but I think I was so into him and his wants and needs, I didn't put myself first. Well, I would say around 40 I woke up and asked myself..."what do I want and need?" It's definately not a one-sided, non-existant sex life with a man who says he loves me, but doesn't act like it. He is simply a roommate to me now....I feel for you men, rejection SUCKS! And depending on how it happens, can be devistating!
> 
> My son is the one I'm really worried about now....he knows things aren't good. I've gone thru how he will react over and over....I will just do my best to explain the situation, answer his questions and honestly and briefly as I can, hold him and just show him I'm fine and he will be too.


I know what you mean as I am in a similar situation. I have not taken any action yet and I don't know which way to turn yet. I will guarantee one thing though- whichever route I take i am going to make sure I take that route allllllllllll the way to the end!!!


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

spartan said:


> I know what you mean as I am in a similar situation. I have not taken any action yet and I don't know which way to turn yet. I will guarantee one thing though- whichever route I take i am going to make sure I take that route allllllllllll the way to the end!!!


I'm so sorry....
Until I have started going thru this, I had no idea how emotional things get...how hard it is even when you know you need a break. Hang in there, lean on the people who love and support you...Come here often. I am the type of person that has to do everything in my power to make something work before I can walk away....and here I go


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

well...I moved out yesterday. Feeling every emotion there is. I feel relief and guilt b/c of that for my son. He took it pretty well when I sat him down and explained it. He cried a little but said he knew this was coming. Now I'm just trying to figure this out....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AlwaysThinkingMaybe (Jan 31, 2011)

Wow, that must have been difficult. How is your husband taking it? Did he try to stop you? Or did you do it when he wasn't home?


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

AlwaysThinkingMaybe said:


> Wow, that must have been difficult. How is your husband taking it? Did he try to stop you? Or did you do it when he wasn't home?


It was very difficult...I broke down many times. The people who helped me were very supportive and that helped. I moved when he wasn't there. I text him and told him, got my son and brought him here. I got my son a cell phone so he could call either one of us if he wanted. My H didn't respond to any of his texts lasy night or this morning...even wouldn't talk to him when he called from his phone. Finally, after I got him off to school, I called his bf (who works w/him and is a preacher) and told him I didn't want to put him in the middle but to please encourage him to call his son. After a few mins, he text me and asked if he went to school, if so he'd call him after school.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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