# OK - Here We Are Again.....I just don't get it....



## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

I've had two hospital stays with bleeding ulcer problem in my stomach. Makes me sick, and my hemoglobin drops into the range where I have to be transfused.

I have to be on blood-thinners because I have atrial fibrillation. I threw a clot about 1-1/2 years ago, it gave me a stroke. By God's grace, I have no residual damage from the stroke.

My wife is LIVID. She is calling my doctors herself. She wants this problem FIXED.....NOW.... before Christmas eve...

I think I have sufficiently explained this to her. The docs do not want to clip or cauterize these ulcers. They want them to heal naturally, because they assess the risk of doing work on them is higher than the risk of leaving them alone. They are afraid they will give me more bleeding, not less.

In the midst of the rather heated (she was heated, not me) discussion I had with her, it comes out of her ...... "....they are going to screw around and you are going to be in the hospital on Christmas....I am not going to miss my time with my grandchildren...".....

To which I replied, ".... you can go.... if I'm in the hospital, you have nothing to worry about....I am professionally cared for 24/7 in here...."....

To which she replied "....but it will ruin it....".

Ok. I ask you. I don't have the foggiest idea WHY going to her son's house and her sister's house would be "ruined" if I weren't there ??
I just don't get it.....

What the hell is the big deal ? Why must I be there ?

And, she was angry at the doctors again last night. I am two days out of the hospital. I'm 67 years old. I've survived 4 heart attacks and 2 strokes. I've had a triple bypass, 5 cardiac stents, and a bovine aortic valve replacement. I have congestive heart failure and stable angina.
I'm 100% dependent on a pacemaker. I was winded and had to sit down after 3 successive trips up a half-flight of stairs carrying groceries into the house. 

It's as if she thinks these doctors should have some kind of magic which would turn back the hands of time to 10 years ago before any of this happened. She says ".....this is not what I signed up for...."....

To which my unspoken reply is "....I really didn't want my heart and circulatory system to go bad, either, I didn't sign up for that....".


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Your wife sounds like a nasty witch. She cares more about her Christmas plans than your own health. 

You sound like a tough dude to survive all those medical issues .... but mostly....survive your wife (based on some of your other post).

BBBAAAAA....hum bug .....


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Is she trying to convince people that you are really a happy couple and she wants you there to back her lies up?
In your own words you are plan B and the only reason she’s still with you is because her affair partner couldn’t finance her lifestyle like you can.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Have you considered that getting rid of your wife would cure your ulcers?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Oh....

Some, no, most people display stress irrationally.

She both loves you and loves no stressors.

Your pain, your dire situation is hers......too.

Through sickness and health, you are hers.

Yes, it may be duty love, dunno, not all of it sounds that way.

God Bless you for hanging in there. 

May you live 'some' many more Christmas's.



THRD-


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

The ulcers may, in part, be due to whatever meds they have you on.

Pain meds, aspirin, blood thinners and NSAID's come to mind.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Yes, I agree with @SunCMars. She is worried. Her brain will be overtaken with worry if you are hospitalized. This 'ruins' it for her. When my son was in HS, he heard me talking on the phone about something and told me not to tell him anything bad before his birthday because that would ruin it. Yes, it sounded selfish, but I know he didn't mean it that way.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

SunCMars, I think maybe there is more of a background here. Upon information and belief, OPs wife openly admits he is plan B and the only reason she isn't with her affair partner is because he can't provide for her like OP. This doesn't seem to be a "she's really medically worried about her dear spouse" situation.

OP I agree with the poster who suggested your health might improve if you got yourself out of this toxic relationship. You need to focus on your health and not be derailed by these nasty situations with your wife.





SunCMars said:


> Oh....
> 
> Some, no, most people display stress irrationally.
> 
> ...


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Livvie said:


> SunCMars, I think maybe there is more of a background here. Upon information and belief, OPs wife openly admits he is plan B and the only reason she isn't with her affair partner is because he can't provide for her like OP. This doesn't seem to be a "she's really medically worried about her dear spouse" situation.
> 
> OP I agree with the poster who suggested your health might improve if you got yourself out of this toxic relationship. You need to focus on your health and not be derailed by these nasty situations with your wife.


Context is always important. This certainly changes my reaction.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Why? She’s concerned your health will impact her life. It’s obviously all about her and always will be. But you already knew that. 

I’m sorry for what you’re going through.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Livvie said:


> SunCMars, I think maybe there is more of a background here. Upon information and belief, OPs wife openly admits he is plan B and the only reason she isn't with her affair partner is because he can't provide for her like OP. This doesn't seem to be a "she's really medically worried about her dear spouse" situation.
> 
> OP I agree with the poster who suggested your health might improve if you got yourself out of this toxic relationship. You need to focus on your health and not be derailed by these nasty situations with your wife.


This touching close to home thread deserves a proper response. I will get back to this later. We have chores to do.

TJW's wife sounds like our landlord's wife (THRD) in many respects.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

alte Dame said:


> Context is always important. This certainly changes my reaction.


HEY! :grin2:

Wait for my latest, well thought-out post!
This, coming later.

Both you and @Livvie are correct.

I feel I am more correct, the corrector-her.

Uh, I hope... :|


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Andy1001 said:


> In your own words you are plan B and the only reason she’s still with you is because her affair partner couldn’t finance her lifestyle like you can.


If this is TRULY the case, then I hope your will leaves nothing to her (even if you leave your half of the marital assets to a charity..doesn't matter). _*Anyone*_ but this manipulative, opportunistic, greedy shrew.

You deserve SO much better.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

I am so sorry about your maladies and your shrew of a wife. 

I think you've "ruined" it for her because any caring and loving wife would be in the hospital with their beloved, Christmas or no. She doesn't want to do that, and if she stays away, she will look bad to others. So, she will probably stay with you in the hospital if it comes to that (I hope it doesn't!) just for impression management and mama ain't happy about it.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

lucy999 said:


> I am so sorry about your maladies and your shrew of a wife.
> 
> I think you've "ruined" it for her because any caring and loving wife would be in the hospital with their beloved, Christmas or no. She doesn't want to do that, and if she stays away, she will look bad to others. So, she will probably stay with you in the hospital if it comes to that (I hope it doesn't!) just for impression management and mama ain't happy about it.


This rationale is good.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

I'm guessing she is worried about perceptions. If you are in the hospital and she isn't there by your side she won't look like the dutiful loving wife, and that pisses her off. She wants everyone to view her as a wonderful wife and wonderful person.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I am not going to 'stick up' for TJW's wife.

I will attempt to 'splain' her.

She is unfiltered, she is unapologetic, she is tactless.

*Yes, everything revolves around her.*

However, she takes most of her responsibilities seriously.

In the end, she is cool, not cold.

She comes off as cruel because she has little empathy for others. Maybe none.
Her grandchildren probably get the most, if any empathy that is available.

Whatever comes to her mind is important and she must reveal it. And, you must agree with it.

Those who do not understand her and agree with her are merely blind....or stupid.

She does love TJW. 
*In her own way.*

TBH, at this point in time, she may be 'just' going thru the motions with her husband. She is detaching.
She is burnt out, though she was never was on fire.
She, is that slow burner.

Her ex? The one she lived with for 10 odd years?
Yes, he was a FWB.

She is co-dependent.

She does not easily give up on anyone. She just plods along.

Her EXBF is not her enemy, so she does not cut him out of her life. She sees him as not a threat.

She comes across as a (not) passionate woman, not one to seek out sex for loves sake.

That is not to say she would (not) drop her drawers for a passionate man who caught her eye, and who pursued her. 
She is only human.

Her constant criticism of her husband's achievements and situation are those feelings that she can't keep bottled up. That filter problem of hers.
She is frustrated, and you are going to hear about it.

She has a bad habit of comparing you to other men?

Why? To show you how 'you' must act and be. 
She is teaching you!! 
Why is it you take offense? 
You NEED to hear these things. 
How else are you going to learn?

She speaks her feelings out loud. And cares not if it bothers or offends others. 

Yes, she is standing in her own light. 
Such a large ego. 

Yuck!


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Here are a few of @TJW's earlier posts



> We're not divorced. Still married, living in the same house. And, I really didn't think I had any obligation
> to hang around people who make me uncomfortable, even if I am married. I do it for her so she can have me
> around at family functions there.
> 
> I don't want to give the impression that I'm mistreated there, I'm not. It's my own feelings.





> This is a three-part question.
> 
> Does your spouse love you ?
> And, please explain how you know.
> ...


She expresses desire to other men? 

The fact is normal, doing it in front of you is cruel.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Maybe IT is as simple as you married the wrong women?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

@Blonde wrote:



> 70 hours a week is a LOT!!! Makes me wonder if you have any time left over to spend with your wife? Easy for women to become disconnected and invest our energy elsewhere if we feel neglected.


You worked all those hours to pay the bills, we understand that. 

Your SAHW, got lonely and critical. This is normal on her part.
Yes, she should have gotten a job to take some of the financial load off of you. 
Ach! She selfishly did not.

She rode your' horse until you broke down and then complained.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Another earlier quote by you about her earlier and EXBF:



> Their relationship was FWB. My W wanted to marry but the guy didn't want it. They lived together off and on because neither of them could afford to be autonomous. My W tells me that they were strictly roommates for about the last 10 years, but they attended things together, like family, etc.
> 
> Mooch is the operative word which describes him. He is a lazy-assed, reefer-blowing, grow-your-own couch potato. Anywhere he's invited with free beer and food, he'll be there....if he can get someone to give him a ride. I get the impression that this is a recent change, *my edit* (with him going back to work, being productive, held a job, etc.)
> 
> I don't know about his relationship to his own family. My WS's family, however, is one which is extremely loyal to their friends, and mostly, they are extreme extroverts who like to have lots of gatherings, meals, etc. It occurs to me that they have a set of relationship standards which always seeks not to "exclude" anyone - the parties get very large


Your wife likely treated her EXBF the same way as you. She kept at him to improve himself. 

Damn, he didn't!

She tried for more than 10 years to educate him, maybe more!

Then, she latched onto you and likely showed you the same behavior.

Later on, she unwittingly blamed you for his uninspired behavior. She got him and you mixed up. 

She could not change her behavior when she went from him to you.

A leopard cannot change its stripes. She views herself as near perfect and everyone else as flawed.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Cooper said:


> I'm guessing she is worried about perceptions. If you are in the hospital and she isn't there by your side she won't look like the dutiful loving wife, and that pisses her off. She wants everyone to view her as a wonderful wife and wonderful person.


Yes, this is likely her present state of mind.
She is dutiful, not a loving human being.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

So she clearly doesnt go along with the 'In sickness and in health' part of marriage.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Andy1001 said:


> (I am) plan B and the only reason she’s still with (me) is because her affair partner couldn’t finance her lifestyle like you can.


And, my ability to do that is gradually slipping away.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

TJW said:


> I've had two hospital stays with bleeding ulcer problem in my stomach. Makes me sick, and my hemoglobin drops into the range where I have to be transfused.
> 
> I have to be on blood-thinners because I have atrial fibrillation. I threw a clot about 1-1/2 years ago, it gave me a stroke. By God's grace, I have no residual damage from the stroke.
> 
> ...


Maybe your general health would improve, or at least be less negatively impacted, if this shrew wasn't involved with you?

Mrs. Conan would slay dragons for me and rip the heart out of a Ridley Scott alien to protect me.

I can't comprehend being with someone as pathetic as your wife.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Blondilocks said:


> Have you considered that getting rid of your wife would cure your ulcers?


Bullseye.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

TJW said:


> And, my ability to do that is gradually slipping away.


 @TJW, you need to do this with your wife:-


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

No, please, do not fire her!

She is your taxi driver and medicine giver.

And the Uber driver will not sit by your hospital bedside.

She is absolutely stressed out and cannot keep quiet about it.

She serves a definite purpose, yes, a less than loving one. Tolerate her.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

TJW....

You are one who is mentally sharp and whose body is now in retreat.

...........................................................................................

Live out your days with your head up. Keep doing the good fight.

God bless modern medicine and your will to survive.

...........................................................................................

Many of the rest of us will one day wear your shoes.

May we exhibit your strength and your pluck.
...........................................................................................

There are only two tragedies in life.

One is not getting what one wants and one is getting what one wants.

Oscar Wilde-

............................

When one gets what one wants, their are no more dreams. 



THRD-
The HeadMates-


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## cp3o (Jun 2, 2018)

SunCMars said:


> When one gets what one wants, their are no more dreams.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


True of some I'm sure; but ISTM that many simply start wanting something (anything) different - even if only to repeat the attainment.

It is an old saying, and if it has any truth it is but a generalisation...........

We all grow through our childhood developing an image in our mind of the person we want to marry. Few find someone who matches that image precisely and wants to marry us; so we compromise.

Men tend to find the woman nearest their image who will marry them and accept that she is not the perfect match.

Women tend to find the man nearest their image who will marry them and set about changing him into their perfect match. 

The attempt does not lead to the marriage ending - it ends if she succeeds; because she will become bored.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Ach!

If one cannot run away, gods, one can only hobble away, there is no joy in leaving!

Leaving needs to be a proud statement, not that declaration of defeat.

Sometimes the half eatin', that old cold chicken stew in the pot, is 'all there is'.

And all there will be.

At some time in the past, it was the chicken's best suit and the gardens rave.
Give them their last and best review.

A meal, is only meager if one remains hungry.

Sigh....


UlyssesHeart-


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Your sorry ass POS W wants nothing more than for you to kick the bucket. She can then run off with her

destitute boy-toy and spend your $ on him. WTF do you stay? D her, relocate to another state.

What $ you don't blow on D, donate it to St. Judes. Personally I would tear muscle in my fingers

giving her the middle finger.


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## RubyRing (Jun 13, 2016)

She says ".....this is not what I signed up for...."....


Actually, she DID sign up for this. Those marriage vows say "in sickness and in health".


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

@TJW My heart goes out to you. Do what you can to be the best advocate for the best-possible care relevant to you. You already know the drill; you've given it to others. Be the best @TJW you can be, and do not let your "wife" (in name only) get you down. Do not let your wife ever let you question, what's the point? I have some concern that your wife's attitude about the care you're getting (that it's not enough, that there should be something magical they can pull out of a hat so you'll be fine) might cause you to be a bit reactionary in response, and possibly overlook some options. 

Don't let a specific disease description define your capabilities. Congestive heart failure is scary stuff. But your body is adaptive. My lungs run at 28% on the 25/75% benchmark test for exhaling CO2. Basically a measure of lung efficiency. 2 points off a clinical definition of COPD. But my VO2 max is 140% for someone my age; I can ride a bicycle easily 100 miles (I'm almost 64, by the way). I also have a bone marrow cancer. To an ailing patient, doctors generally won't admit people like me exist. 

Don't let your hell of a home life convince you that living a great life is beyond your grasp. Maybe there's really nothing that can be done. Just make sure that your home life isn't precluding such options.

I am so sorry to hear the details of your situation. And I understand that my own bizarre circumstances, a body that has adapted, may not be relevant at all, and I'm sensitive to the possibility that I'm sounding like someone who thinks there's always hope and maybe that's just not realistic so hearing it makes things worse. You'll be in my prayers tonight.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

@TJW, I'm not defending your wife in any way, shape, or form, but I will tell you that having an unhealthy spouse is stressful on both spouses. Not everyone copes with stress successfully. Both parties are more than ready for the problems to be solved. It sounds like she's not good at managing stress or accepting reality. She needs to learn coping skills and support you. If she's unwilling to do so, kick her to the curb.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Since this post is several months old, I just was wondering how you are feeling now? Healed? Stronger? Better?


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Thanks for asking, I am doing better by receiving iron infusions. I found a good hematologist who is willing to prescribe it and she is looking into the possibility of stimulating more erythropoietin production in hopes the blood marrow factories will catch up to schedule and partially relieve my anemia. 

No plan for actually trying to stop the bleeding has been proposed. I think I'm making some progress at getting DW to understand this. There's no "magic pill" that is going to make me 45 years old again. I do the best I can, but I'm tired and still anemic, 67 years old, and have survived 4 minor heart attacks and 2 strokes. I was bound to a wheelchair only a year ago. 

My cardiologist is recommending adding a third lead wire to my pacemaker. I'm reading about this but not yet understanding how this will smooth arrhythmias and make my heart pump better. I go to see them next week. I think his recommendation is called a biventricular pacemaker, I'm a candidacy match for this, having heart failure which is not too treatable with medication.

A big part of this is that DW and I have much different temperament and personality types. She is described well as "type-A" - always in a hurry, always stressed. I frustrate her because I'm "type-B", laid-back, I just don't want too many doctor appointments which interfere with my work schedule.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

TJW said:


> A big part of this is that DW and I have much different temperament and personality types. She is described well as "type-A" - always in a hurry, always stressed. I frustrate her because I'm "type-B", laid-back, I just don't want too many doctor appointments which interfere with my work schedule.


Trigger warning and apology in advance for being so blunt.

You won't have to worry about your work schedule if you're dead. I'm with your wife on this one. One too many doctor appointments may be dangerous to your health.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@TJW,

I'll see if I can explain the biventricular pacemaker theory in layman's terms. As you know, my Dear Hubby passed away from heart failure. He had left ventricular diastolic heart failure. So in normal terms, you know how a heart has four chambers: Left Top, Left Bottom, Right Top and Right Bottom? Well his heart failed on the left (which is the side that pumps oxygen-rich blood from the lungs to the body), and on the bottom because the muscle got bigger and stiffer. Heart muscles are supposed to be strong, but soft enough and thin enough to relax and be a little flexible in between beats--his got really thick, then the left lower chamber wouldn't fill with as much blood, so it tried harder and got bigger and stiffer...and so on. 

Now the RHYTHM of a heart is supposed to be pretty steady, but arrhythmia means "Hey the rhythm is wrong," We kind of typical think of a heart as boom-boom (pause), boom-boom (pause)...right? Well that's the top chambers contracting then relaxing, the lower chambers contracting and relaxing, and then a timing pause. If you have arrhythmia, the beat is off. It could be faster...slower...or most likely in YOUR case, the two sides aren't beating together (so it might sound closer to bah-boom, bah-boom (pause)... or boom-boom, boom-boom (pause). A biventricular pacemaker means that it sets the pace on both of the bottom chambers. Bi=two ventricular=bottom heart chambers pacemaker=set the rhythm. 

So if a person starts with left ventricular heart failure (the bottom left chamber is either TOO soft and loose and kind of stretching out OR it's too hard and stiff and can't relax), that means the body doesn't get the oxygen-rich blood it needs. So often, right-sided failure is caused when left-side failure gets serious. The right side collects the used blood from the body and sends it to the lungs to get oxygenated. So the left ventricle (bottom) starts to fail and there is increased fluid pressure. Some fluid builds up in the lungs The right side starts to fail, and blood backs up in the veins causing edema in the feet, ankles and abdomen. 

A biventricular pacemaker helps the heart keep the pace to be as efficient as it can be, and it takes some of the burden off the heart--keeping it going as long as possible.


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