# Only I initiate, but good success rate... OK?



## Cadmus (Apr 11, 2011)

In my 8 year marriage, since year 2(out of college) I have been the only initiator in the relationship. 

Well, I should add this tidbit, for nearly 3 years(until 2008) we were together with zero intimate contact. ZERO. I'm not sure how it started or why it persisted.. it just .. did. My father was ill and later passed, and I was way out of touch for a long time. It took me almost a year to realize how out of touch I was. I asked her why during that time didn't she say anything and she was worried about being turned down or making me angry or more depressed.

She has a very low libido(could be birth control, don't know) so she never really attempted to fix. Neither of us talked about it as a problem until I asked her if she was still attracted to me one night. She said yes, but it's not in her nature to instigate. I do get hugs and kisses, it's just sex that is the issue.

Since that time, I do all the initiating. I did a little soul searching, got over some really irrational fears of being turned down and since that time I'd say I'm 80% successful over the past few years. I hate to make a statement like that(I'm 80% successful in ML to my wife! woo!), but that's the gist.

I've told her I get insecure that she doesn't ever initiate, and since we did have that drought I keep having this nagging feeling that she couldn't care less about physical intimacy. The odd thing is, we get along swimmingly with or w/o sex for the most part.

Discussions are sparse on the topic, I know she gets a bit uncomfortable with it all(not easy for me either) She's not open to anything considered non-standard which I guess I am OK with? My last attempt was met with "we are not dogs." Ouchie I said, and that was that.

Kids is the near term next step and I'm worried we are going to devolve into a relationship that just stays together for the kid(s), and not for each other's intimate needs. Meaning I have needs and she can go without. She does not self-pleasure either. That's how low it is... product of the upbringing I guess.

Anyone living this way long-term? Permanently and doing well with it? It can drive me crazy to think if I did nothing there would be nothing, and why would I want that? Maybe this is just our balance?


----------



## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

I personally have never had an issue with who instigates.

If the other person accepts and you have great sex together - who in the hell cares who started the fire?

Sex seems to be the only place where people have an issue with who instigates first.

We don't see that tit for tat dynamic in a lot of other areas in a relationship (such as who initiates giving the children a bath first, who initiated starting dinner first, who intiated paying the bills first, etc.).

I initiate almost all the time (due to problems), and get rejected 80% of the time.

I am still initiating and still getting rejected, but I'll continue...I don't care who starts, I just want to participate and be there for the finish!


----------



## Cadmus (Apr 11, 2011)

I agree it's an odd thing to care about it. It bruises my self-confidence to know sex with me for her is not important enough to instigate, talk about, or for lack of a better word "adventure" with.

I tested this about 6 months ago by abstaining for 4 weeks. Not a single word from her about the lack of intimacy. I gave in b/c well I wanted to give in of course. However, the awareness of it all made me seem a bit insignificant in her life.

I tease on occasion about her lack of instigation and she gets very defensive and even angry about it. It's me being immature I imagine but it's my way of saying I'd like to not feel like I'm forcing sex at my whims on you, and then pouting when I'm denied. 

She told me once "Why now? We are going to sleep?" I just said Why ever? When's a better time? I was just met with nonsense.


----------



## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

I think it matters to some people who initiates. It matters to my dh. He says it makes him feel desired, wanted, loved...and because I love him I do it. It doesn't come naturally so I have to work at it. Most times on the day I was going to initiate he beats me to it which I jokingly say "I was thinking the same thing".

I don't turn ever turn him down either. Oh some nights I'm tempted to say "but it's 11pm..." in my whiny voice but I don't. I used to but I don't anymore. Whats weird is what usually happens is I end up liking it I just had trouble getting started. Our sex life is very important to me so I'm glad I'm with someone who respects that. I suggest you figure this out one way or another before you have kids. You sound like the type that might have trouble if she showers a baby with affection and then later says she's too tired for you.

Just a thought. I've had 3 kids so I know what they do to a marriage. Love them dearly but man they can wear you out.


----------



## ladyybyrd (Jan 4, 2011)

I don't initiate anymore I haven't for quite a few years. After hearing NO almost all of the time, It gets old.. So I have stopped.


----------



## YoungBuck (Mar 30, 2011)

A man saying NO to sex just blows my mind. I guess if my wife was a nympho and wanted it every time we laid eyes on each other I might get tired of it, eventually.....maybe. Haha. 

OP, sorry I have zero experience with your issue. My wife couldn't care less about sex and doesn't even acknowledge me when I ask. So you've got me beat.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## puffs31 (Aug 12, 2010)

It seems to me you just want to feel wanted. nothing wrong with that, but it completely sucks when you don't get that need met. She may never be the type to initiate, but it would sure be nice if a few times out of the year she would just because she loves you and knows how important it is for you to feel wanted, for you to not have to ask for it. I don't know what the soluution is, but I just wanted to say i think I understand and am right there with you.


----------



## Cadmus (Apr 11, 2011)

Thanks for the input all. I have told her it is important for me to feel wanted like you said Puffs. She said she understands and will work on it. That was in February and nothing has changed.

I'm a patient guy. We'll see how things go I guess. She doesn't have to initiate, but at least seem interested...


----------



## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Many years ago I felt like that, relatively speaking in terms of success rate. But over the long run it felt too much like work. And it involved too much guesswork. Then the wifey just used it to her advantage by being unavailable most/all of the time. She would crash out on the couch at 830pm. So what am I supposed to do? Wake her up every time? No thanks.


----------



## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

It really matters to me who initiates and i won't lie about it. 

I need to feel sexy and persued by my man. If I don't feel like I am my sexual desire plummets and I am far less likely to initiate. If he initiates a lot then I feel good, confident and sexy, so I then feel like I can initiate and I do in my own way, i am not usually sexually aggressive, but I may start kissing and touching him or dress in something he finds very sexy.


----------



## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

I like it a lot when my husband lusts after me and he wants to jump on me!

But my sex drive is higher than his, so very often I just climb on top of him and take his "virginity"!  That's his joke. 

I think a person who has a high sex drive initiates more often. 

So I enjoy his body once a day, he enjoys my body once in two days. We share our responsibility initiating!


----------



## Cadmus (Apr 11, 2011)

I had hoped that my pursuing more often that her confidence would rise and her interest as well. I am not a selfish person in bed, in fact pretty selfless... far more than my partner anyway.

I imagine this will hit another crescendo where I am frustrated or feeling a bit lonely and it's another battle.

I can't even believe there are women out there with high drives, I feel like all women must be chaste and calm in this arena. I'm brainwashed.


----------



## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Cadmus,

My husband was surprised too when he met me. 

He told me that a lot of women don't like to have sex. 

From what I am reading on TAM, it is a kind of true. But there are quite a lot of women who have high sex drive here! 

My sex drive has always been higher than my husband's. I always want more sex than he does. So he has to be taken advantage by me a lot!  But my husband is very good at keeping my sex drive, he is seducing me and flirting with me all the time, my sex drive has stayed high and now it is even higher. I am reaching my peak!


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Cadmus, it's obviously an issue for you that she never initiates, so no matter what advice you get here, you have to decide what's acceptable to you. 

A word of warning... If you have kids, things are not likely to get better sexually. At least, that wasn't my experience. The kids often become the center of the family, and intimacy gets fit into whatever time is left over. And of course, separating/divorcing becomes that much more difficult when children are involved.

And yes, there are women who have high sex drives. I have no idea if they're common or not. While I won't claim my current partner is up to GP's level (due mostly to the fact that we don't live together), she definitely keeps me busy and out of trouble. And this is at age 43... I very much appreciate the fact that she lets me know in no uncertain terms that she finds me attractive sexually, and I try to do the same for her. I don't blame you for wanting her to initiate at least some of the time.

Have you talked to your wife again about initiating, though? Perhaps there's some confusion about what initiating means to both of you. Or maybe she could try giving you a more subtle signal that she's in the mood instead of throwing you on the bed and having her way with you, if self-confidence is an issue. Even something she can do without looking you in the eye, like a sext message during the day?

C


----------



## perfectstranger (Aug 14, 2010)

I think PBear's point might be a good one. Maybe wife might be trying to initiate, but isn't as obvious?
When dh is interested, he's right there on me! It's pretty difficult to ignore. When I'm interested, I tend to just make myself available... which admittedly he can miss in our routine.
We've been together a few years, but we're still sorting out the signals. I think my "low-key" approach is because a slower start helps me get my mind totally on what we're doing. He doesn't always need that!


----------



## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

greenpearl said:


> Cadmus,
> 
> My husband was surprised too when he met me.
> 
> ...


I think green pearl that it doesn't matter if your drive is higher, because your husband doesn't reject you and he flirts with you everyday, showing you he wants you anyway. So that probably makes all the difference. This is probably why it works so well for you, you still feel desired and sexy to him regardless.


----------



## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Syrum said:


> I think green pearl that it doesn't matter if your drive is higher, because your husband doesn't reject you and he flirts with you everyday, showing you he wants you anyway. So that probably makes all the difference. This is probably why it works so well for you, you still feel desired and sexy to him regardless.


He doesn't reject me at all. He said I can take him at any time I want to! 

Last year I wanted sex three times a day, morning, noon, and night! He was very happy and excited about it. I wanted to see a doctor and stop it, he said no no no. He is my doctor. He loves his horny wife! 

I don't reject him either. Whenever he wants it, I am always there for him. Sometimes I just wake up from my nap, he is horny, I just let him take me. Sometimes I just want to give him a blow job, but then he wants to cum, I quickly run to the bedroom and assume my position! 

I think it is difficult for a couple to want to have sex at the same time. when he wants, I provide my body for him. When I want, he provides his body for me. It is still great sex and great feeling for both of us even though one of us doesn't cum. We provide the physical and emotional needs for each other!


----------



## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Whatever you have, bottle it and sell it.


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I still have a problem initiating I have not even done it. It never occurred to me, before reading the post from men on this forum, that it could effect my husbands belief that I feel attracted to him :sleeping:. Now that I know I am working up to it. Reading about women who do initiate and are accepted gladly by their husband and the positive feeling of men when it does happen is helping. 

My inhibition comes from indoctrination from nuns after 9 yrs of Catholic school. This is sometimes very difficult for some women. It comes from religion and from our culture. A woman being too interested in sex is a **** in this society. That effect does not magically disappear in marriage.

I'll tell your something that affected me. I overhead my husband and his brothers discussing a Madonna and they made negative comments about her sexuality. The gist was that she was a **** for being so free. My husband has said other things that confirm his attitude towards female sexuality. 

I think it is common for men to comment negatively about the freedom some woman take in their sexuality. I would like to caution men not to make negative comments about woman. 

It has an effect on your wife, she knows what you really think. Some men consider a woman marriage material only if she has few or no partner. Then they want this woman that has controlled her sexuality to be suddenly open for the kinky stuff. 

Most of the time it does not happen or it happens in the early stage of the relationship, when the man is attentive, complimentary and communicative in order to win her. 

If you have a wife who has suppressed her sexuality before marriage, it may become dormant. My advice is to take it slow and patient you will probably have to wake it up. 

Don't expect wild sex and try not to act disappointed. Have faith that it will be a process that happens incrementally. Being accepting and encouraging at every attempt may be best. 

I'll repeat that you have to expect success that it will work. That's what worked for me. I think inpatient, frustration and expressions of dissatisfaction works against the transition. 

Each woman is different with different experiences, draw her out about her feelings and try not to be critical of her notions or say she needs to change that. That is true but some things are better unsaid.

I overcame my inhibition but it was a process that took about 2 years. My husband was patient and encouraging. I always felt he accepted me right where I was and it was all about us not preformed expectation of sex acts he expected as the right of a married man. 

That does not help men who are already past that stage but if you are acting impatient and demanding it can cause resistance. She may feel that she does not want to be ordered. Not reasonable but, something to consider. 

I think even here, a patient attitude could be more productive. In my opinion, I think that doing stuff to be extra nice is counter productive and I wont work. It seems like the man is groveling and that is probably not going to increase desire.


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Just one other thing I wanted to mention, the initiation may be subtle at first. There is a big fear of rejection so she may test the waters at first. May not seem reasonable but remember, the inhibition is not from anything you did. The censors stay in your head for years. 

Stay alert, she may do something different like lingering close to you or taking a bath before bed when she usually takes a shower, coming to bed with an attractive gown, or talking to you nicely more than usual (working up courage).

Would be nice to hear from men who have been successful.


----------



## committed4life (Apr 2, 2011)

Cadmus you need to remember that as a male you must take the dominant role in the relationship I am sure when you were engaging to her you were the one that proposed, if the sex issue is your only major problem then it can be fixed.

if she is faithful and a good wife then you have a good woman with faults that can be fixed easily given the right steps are taking now, you may leave her for another woman but that other woman maybe more of an initiator but she may cheat on you I'm just saying.

I know of this great book that will get your wife heated and hot for passionate sex with you, it has over 500 Love Making questions for couples it teaches you how to drive your wife wild with months of hot sex here's the link give it a try Learn How To Spice Up A Marriage or Relationship your relationship depends on it.

it's up to you to spice things up, be a man and take action today
How To Spice Up A Marriage or Relationship


----------



## Lord Tremendous (Apr 14, 2011)

I used to get really hung up on this issue. My wife just isn't the type to initiate sex. Once in a blue moon she gets things started, which I find a huge turn on, but 99% of the time it's me who initiates. I tried holding out on her to see how long she'd let it go, but it just lead to a few very boring weeks. It's so good to feel lusted after, but alot of women just don't feel comfortable asking for sex, even though they love it and want it as much as men. Once I got over myself, our sex life resumed it's normal pace and both of us are satisfied.


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Cadmus,
Does she get aroused and seem highly engaged when you connect? 

Has she made an effort to learn your body? Does she make the effort to do things that you like? Or is this purely the "Cadmus Show" where you do all the work and she "lets" you have sex with her?

Has she let you learn HER body and what she likes? She doesn't need to do that through words, but she does need to cue you with moans/body language as to what she wants more of/less of otherwise how will you know?

Why is she "resistant" to trying new things? My take on that is, you try something at least a couple times. Unless it hurts or is really unpleasant you do it at least once in a while purely to please your partner. 

The biggest question for you though is this:
Is she "tolerating" sex until you have kids at which point she will play the game of "no one has sex very often with young kids". Which is actually very true in marriages where one of the partners never really liked sex to begin with but saw it as a necessary evil to sustaining the relationship. 

The kid thing can be a powerful tool of manipulation for a LD partner. They simultaneously play the guilt and stability cards. The guilt card is: "I can't believe you are pressuring me to have sex when I am exhausted from caring for YOUR kids". 

The stability card is unspoken: "I know he will put up with a much lower level of marital satisfaction to avoid a divorce now that kids are in the picture". 

The real key to all this is whether or not she really respects you and your needs as a man. If you truly are her highest priority in life, then this is all workable. That said, kids can change that dynamic greatly. You need to have a calm, constructive, non-threatening conversation with her about this topic before making babies. If she will not have that conversation, I think this is a high risk situation for you. 




Cadmus said:


> In my 8 year marriage, since year 2(out of college) I have been the only initiator in the relationship.
> 
> Well, I should add this tidbit, for nearly 3 years(until 2008) we were together with zero intimate contact. ZERO. I'm not sure how it started or why it persisted.. it just .. did. My father was ill and later passed, and I was way out of touch for a long time. It took me almost a year to realize how out of touch I was. I asked her why during that time didn't she say anything and she was worried about being turned down or making me angry or more depressed.
> 
> ...


----------



## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> Just one other thing I wanted to mention, the initiation may be subtle at first. There is a big fear of rejection so she may test the waters at first. May not seem reasonable but remember, the inhibition is not from anything you did. The censors stay in your head for years.
> 
> Stay alert, she may do something different like lingering close to you or taking a bath before bed when she usually takes a shower, coming to bed with an attractive gown, or talking to you nicely more than usual (working up courage).
> 
> Would be nice to hear from men who have been successful.


I agree with this. Sometimes I find it incredibley hard to initiate and sometimes when I think I am trying to do so and it is missed and it feels like rejection. It can be daunting to women who have been taught that women are not supposed to be that way. 

I do do try though, but not as regularly as I'd like and the fear of rejection holds me back. I also am more adventurous when he tells me what he likes and praises me for things I do do that turn him on. Also the sexier he finds me, the less I fear rejection and the easier it is to initiate.


----------



## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Sex is like fishing.


----------



## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> Sex is like fishing.


two of my most favorite things in the world. :smthumbup:

i do like for my SO to initiate at times.
if im not thinking about it at some time and she is feeling frisky then i like it. also it lets me know that she WANTS to do it with me as much as i want to with her and doesnt think of it as a chore.


----------

