# Regretting upcoming divorce?



## Canis (Aug 9, 2011)

Gentlemen,

Looking for some insight and advice on my current situation. Myself and soon to be ex-wife have a long history of which I won't bore you with all the details. However, the important bits are as follows. Together 7 years, recently passed the 3 year marriage anniversary, with a court date for divorce next week. Throughout our time together she had regular episodes of insecurity about "how much I really loved her", "how I am not romantic enough", and other similar scenarios. We moved to a new town 2 years ago for my education.

She left our home approximately 8 months ago to move back to our home town. She had been extremely unhappy in the new town and it spilled over into our relationship. A few months later she visited me and said she was thinking about divorce. I fought at that time for a month to make every effort to visit as much as I could and turn things around. She maintained her opinion that she "couldn't put any more effort into trying to fix our relationship". I left it at that and figured it was the end. 

After pouring over this forum, I realized that I had been a classic "nice guy" for our entire relationship, and the actions I had been taking were dooming us. I had not completely given up yet. I moved back to our hometown for a job, and made one last effort to firmly tell my wife I wanted her in my life. She disclosed that she had since slept with another man, and had been having an emotional relationship with him during the month leading up to her deciding to divorce.

At that point, in my mind it was over. I felt betrayed and disrespected. I did not pursue anymore and we filed for divorce. I since have been dating another woman and it has been nice. Strictly for fun at this point. 

A few months ago my wife came back to me asking that we work it out. She stated that the event with the other man was over, and only sexual one time, and was genuinely apologetic. I thought long and hard. I had been generally happy since our split, feeling confident and optimistic. I consulted close mutual friends and family, who all stated that they thought it was the best for the both of us that we split up. And so, I decided that it was best that we continue on the divorce path. Now instead of her making the decision to leave, it was me. The tables feel as though they have turned. 

My wife came over last night to finish up some paper work for our divorce hearing next week. The finality of the situation has set in. I am racking my brain today trying to understand why I feel such regret about my decision. I interpreted that me feeling content and optimistic after deciding to pursue divorce as evidence that I may no longer love my wife. But now I am second guessing. Sure our marriage was filled with resentment, lack of intimacy and the whole nine yards. But we also had lots of wonderful times together. When the ball is in your court, you must live with all of the consequences of your actions.

Are these just pre-divorce jitters? Or am I about to make a huge mistake?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Armed with your new knowledge, don't you need to find out?


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

I'm always for saving marriages, so I would say give it another chance. Take what you learned during your separation, and make your relationship stronger than ever.

It wouldn't hurt to postpone the divorce a few months to give it another try. It is very common to have buyer's remorse about any decision we make. 

You can fall in love all over again. The one stumbling block will be getting over her affair. Hopefully it made her realize how very much she loves you.

Now you know the importance of good communication and joint decision making. Good luck, and let us know how it turns out! I am a sucker for a good love story.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Canis said:


> When the ball is in your court, you must live with all of the consequences of your actions.


Yes, you must. Hers includes having deceived you and slept with another man. If she is, and you are, truly interested in reconciling, give her one ... one, opportunity to come clean about her relationship. Because as it stands? You only have part of the truth. She's lying about the length, extent, and depth of her relationship. She was seeing him longer and having sex with him more than she indicated.

It didn't pan out ... SHE got the jitters when the affair came to an end and wanted to come back to you. 

What you choose doesn't much matter, just be relatively clear about why you are choosing it.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Canis,
The only way this might work is if you ask her if SHE is willing to COMMIT to the marriage 100 percent.
Let her respond and then tell her what you REQUIRE her to DO.
The commitment piece is key, but tangible, specific behaviors on both your part is what makes or breaks it.

A lack of desire on her part - sexual desire - is likely linked to the nice guy behavior on your part.


187]Gentlemen,

Looking for some insight and advice on my current situation. Myself and soon to be ex-wife have a long history of which I won't bore you with all the details. However, the important bits are as follows. Together 7 years, recently passed the 3 year marriage anniversary, with a court date for divorce next week. Throughout our time together she had regular episodes of insecurity about "how much I really loved her", "how I am not romantic enough", and other similar scenarios. We moved to a new town 2 years ago for my education.

She left our home approximately 8 months ago to move back to our home town. She had been extremely unhappy in the new town and it spilled over into our relationship. A few months later she visited me and said she was thinking about divorce. I fought at that time for a month to make every effort to visit as much as I could and turn things around. She maintained her opinion that she "couldn't put any more effort into trying to fix our relationship". I left it at that and figured it was the end. 

After pouring over this forum, I realized that I had been a classic "nice guy" for our entire relationship, and the actions I had been taking were dooming us. I had not completely given up yet. I moved back to our hometown for a job, and made one last effort to firmly tell my wife I wanted her in my life. She disclosed that she had since slept with another man, and had been having an emotional relationship with him during the month leading up to her deciding to divorce.

At that point, in my mind it was over. I felt betrayed and disrespected. I did not pursue anymore and we filed for divorce. I since have been dating another woman and it has been nice. Strictly for fun at this point. 

A few months ago my wife came back to me asking that we work it out. She stated that the event with the other man was over, and only sexual one time, and was genuinely apologetic. I thought long and hard. I had been generally happy since our split, feeling confident and optimistic. I consulted close mutual friends and family, who all stated that they thought it was the best for the both of us that we split up. And so, I decided that it was best that we continue on the divorce path. Now instead of her making the decision to leave, it was me. The tables feel as though they have turned. 

My wife came over last night to finish up some paper work for our divorce hearing next week. The finality of the situation has set in. I am racking my brain today trying to understand why I feel such regret about my decision. I interpreted that me feeling content and optimistic after deciding to pursue divorce as evidence that I may no longer love my wife. But now I am second guessing. Sure our marriage was filled with resentment, lack of intimacy and the whole nine yards. But we also had lots of wonderful times together. When the ball is in your court, you must live with all of the consequences of your actions.

Are these just pre-divorce jitters? Or am I about to make a huge mistake?[/QUOTE]
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

The "nice guy" behavior can be addressed. BUT, you have to be willing to live with what she's done in the past.

Are you?

Or does it depend on what she tells you?




MEM11363 said:


> Canis,
> The only way this might work is if you ask her if SHE is willing to COMMIT to the marriage 100 percent.
> Let her respond and then tell her what you REQUIRE her to DO.
> The commitment piece is key, but tangible, specific behaviors on both your part is what makes or breaks it.
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_[/QUOTE]


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

lovesherman said:


> It wouldn't hurt to postpone the divorce a few months to give it another try. It is very common to have buyer's remorse about any decision we make.


:iagree: And axe the chick you're dating. You can't work on a marriage while you're with someone else too.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Canis said:


> When the ball is in your court, you must live with all of the consequences of your actions.





Deejo said:


> Yes, you must.



:iagree:


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## ManDup (Apr 22, 2011)

Also, be aware that if you are the classic nice guy, and not used to making decisions for yourself, that some of the regret you feel is just the natural jitters we get when we act decisively. You need to determine how much of this plays into it and also make a rational decision about whether you really want her (and she you) or might be better off with someone else.


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## ozwang (Aug 11, 2011)

I say cut her loose and continue being happy like you are right now. Typical that after the fling with the OM didn't work out for her she comes crawling back, expecting you to be waiting for her.

Who's to say that if you get back together a year down the track, this doesn't happen all over again?

As far as I'm concerned, if my wife ever wanted to split....then had intercourse with another bloke....she wouldn't exist to me after that. Just my opinion.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

You can love your wife to death but without trust the marriage is nothing but a sham.


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