# Am I a Fool?



## Richard84 (Jan 31, 2018)

Please help. I've been married for over 2 years, together for 5. My wife won't stop speaking to her ex, and does so behind my back.

Very early on in our relationship, she continued communicating to her ex via phone and email. It was happening without me knowing, but I found out, and when I explained that I was not comfortable with this. She agreed not to speak to him again, but she thought I was wrong to ask for this of her. 

Two years later, I discover that the ex had sold his business, and was celebriting the sale with a party. Without me knowing my wife attended. During that evening they caught up, and made plans to meet again, to catch up properly without so many people around. I only know all of the above because I saw emails between the two of them after the fact.

Eventually I told my wife what I knew, and explained how upset I was. We fought. That evening she goes out, comes back around 10/11pm, and goes to bed. The next morning, she tells me she had spent the previous evening with her ex. Not in a spiteful way, more of a "I want to be honest with you" way. She says she needed closure because I forced her to end communication with him when we first entered our relationship. I got angry, so angry that I kick a hole in the wall. For the record is not in my character, and I had never done this before, but I felt betrayed. She claimed nothing happened that night, but I will never know. She said she wouldnt speak to him again. That she now has her closure. 

I believed her. 

Two years later, my wife is at this time struggling professionally and one evening tells me how low she feels, and that nothing would get her out of the negative mood she was in. She leaves for the gym, but when she returns, she is all smiles and laughter. A noticable difference. I wonder what is up, being married you notice these things, ofcourse. I don't say anything. She tells me she met her ex at the gym. I'm frustrated, but what can I do. She says it was a chance encounter, and she wouldnt see him again. I notice after this evening a routine, in which she begins going to this gym at that same time every evening, which she had not been doing previously. I decide one evening before she leaves for the gym to go with her, and work-out as her guest. We get there, and I'm on a treadmill at the back of the gym, I can see my wife on a step machine several rows ahead, and within 2 minutes of me being at the gym, I see the ex walk up to her, joking with her. Now, from the back of her head, I can see she tries to ignore him, I don't know what she says, but his grin quickly disappears, he looks around, and walks off. He doesnt approach her again. As we leave the gym, we fight. I tell her that this man was going to destroy our marriage. She tells me it was just unfortunate timing, and that she never usually sees him there, other than the one time she saw him there a few weeks prior. I ask her to perhaps look into going to a new gym. She is argues, says no, she doesn't think I have the right to ask her this, as the other gyms are 5/10 minutes further and not as good, but eventually she agrees to do so. 

Almost a year passes, I'm naturally suspicious of her by this time. I see a text she sends to someone in Florida, asking if there are any apartments for rent. I don't know any of my wifes friends moving down to FL, so I get a hunch, I go on Facebook, look up her ex, and discover from a post on his wall that he is moving to FL for 6 months. The post he wrote states that he was looking for someone to rent his apartment while he was away. But nothing about him looking for an apartment in FL, meaning this conversation likely happened between them elsewhere. I don't say anything, but my wife notices I am upset, she asks me to tell her why I was in a bad mood. I tell her that she should know, and to just tell me what she did. She claims to have no idea what I'm talking about, she continuously asks me to tell her what I know. I then blow up. I explain that I know she is still speaking to him, and we sleep in different rooms that night. The next day she admits to me she met him at his house the week prior. But nothing happened, and it won't happen again...

I need help, this reoccuring situation has driven me into a depression.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Unless you are actively in the process of making her your _ex_-wife, then yes.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> Unless you are actively in the process of making her your _ex_-wife, then yes.


I concur.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Yes you are a fool.


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

The other posters are right, but there's one thing I want to clarify before I decide how screwed up this situation is:




Richard84 said:


> I see a text she sends to someone in Florida, asking if there are any apartments for rent.


I'm reading that to mean that your WIFE is looking for an apartment in Florida. Am I wrong?


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## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

Agree with the others, OP. Nothing will change as long as she continues talking to him and you issue no consequences. It seems to be a cycle at this point. Time to start focusing and protecting yourself, because I'm betting this is only the tip of the iceberg.


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## MyRevelation (Apr 12, 2016)

You need a huge dose of self-respect ... your WW is making a fool of you, and get your head around the fact they are in an active physical affair (PA).


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## Richard84 (Jan 31, 2018)

GTdad, no, it appears as though he may have asked her if she knew anybody in FL that knew of any vacancies, since he was moving there. I'm pretty sure that is what it was. Her text stated " a friend is looking for a place in Tampa".


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

guspolinski said:


> unless you are actively in the process of making her your _ex_-wife, then yes.


^this
They have and are more than likely still having SEX. Get woke!


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Richard84 said:


> GTdad, no, it appears as though he may have asked her if she knew anybody in FL that knew of any vacancies, since he was moving there. I'm pretty sure that is what it was. Her text stated " a friend is looking for a place in Tampa".


Richard, who cares about a friend looking for a place in FL text. Your W is actively lying for years. You nod ok and take it for what it is worth. Furthermore, this is something physical and more than just talking. Your W has no respect for you. Years of lying, for me, is enough to move forward with D. It's obvious your W is not interested in the marriage. Only in OM.


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## Cromer (Nov 25, 2016)

Your wife is being very selfish. She is disregarding and disrespecting your needs/feelings about all of this and betrayed your trust. Ex's are always trouble. Always. 

For many people, dare I say especially women, a strong past emotional connection never really goes away, especially when they look back at that past relationship through time-worn rose colored glasses and compare it to realities of the current one. Case-in-point? The relationship carnage enabled by "let me find my old boyfriend" on facebook.

I wouldn't be so quick to buy that "nothing happened" during the past all-nighter's/visits with the ex. Something happened, or she wouldn't have gone in the first place.

You are still young in your marriage and she is taking you for granted and treating you like a fool. I waited too late, was far too trusting, and blindly believed the lies.

It looks like she may not have chosen you after all. I am sorry my friend.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Go see an attorney.

Give her the D papers. She is still actively cheating behind your back.

If you do not have kids with her, run.

At least get a separation agreement. She has had sex with him many times.

You are her second choice. She is not marriage material. You keep giving her chance after chance after chance, and she keeps cheating on you.

Has she been tested for stds? Will she sign the separation agreement?

will she take a poly? How can she love you and treat you this way. She still loves her ex. 

And he is her ex for a reason, but she likes the bad boy.

get her out of your life.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

Richard84 said:


> I need help, this reoccuring situation has driven me into a depression.


As long as you stay with her, you'll never completely feel carefree. Instead, you'll always be wondering what she's really doing and thinking. Currently, you've got the worst of both worlds: she's not your friend because you can't trust her and she's clearly not strongly in love with you. 

Whatever you do, don't beg her to stay and don't beg her to not see her ex anymore.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

I wouldn't use the word fool, but if you have any doubt that your wife has been having sex with her ex you're incredibly naive. She has.

If that's a deal breaker for you, you should go ahead a start the divorce process. If you're not sure if it's a deal breaker, then your next step is to get the honest truth from her. If she won't confess, then ask her to take a polygraph. If she refuses, then start the divorce process.

In the unlikely event she agrees to take the poly and passes, or does actually confess; post back for more advice. That makes it a little more complicated.

Sorry you're here.


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## Noble1 (Oct 25, 2013)

Sorry to hear about your situation.

While it may seem harsh and a possible over reaction.

I would follow the advice given above and nuke the marriage you currently have.

You can just tell your wife that there is no room for three of you in the marriage and as it seems she cannot keep her word to you about no contact with her ex, you are taking yourself out of the picture.

Before this can work though, you have to get to the point where you can leave the marriage as this marriage the way it is now is not healthy for you.

I didn't notice in your post if you have kids together or not. If not, then it is much easy to walk away.

Yes, walking away will hurt and may be even something you don't want yet - the important thing is that you will get to a better place.

Read many of the threads in this section and you will see a pattern from almost every story. While the circumstances may be different the pattern is the same.

Good luck.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Also to mention Richard.

For the sake of argument, let's just say she wasn't having an A with him. Even so, if they don't have any children together, there's absolutely no reason for them to be in contact. Period. In that circumstance, expecting no contact with her ex is a reasonable marital boundary. Once is bad enough, but more than once, spending time alone with him and concealing it from you should be unacceptable. And when it's unacceptable it is divorce worthy. 

I got divorced from my first wife 31 years ago after 8 years of marriage, no children. She's a good woman, I have nothing against her, but she has her life and I have mine. In 31 years I haven't spoken with her once, don't know where she lives, her last name, whether she has children, or if she's alive. It's not that hard.


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## JayDee7 (Sep 12, 2017)

You’ve been a fool to stay with her this long, you’ll remain a fool if you stay with her any longer. Don’t be a fool. Leave her.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

She's continuing to play you. Does that make you a fool? You tell me.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

@Richard84 ,

She has been in contact with her ex for the entire 5 years of your relationship and you don't think they are having sex. They have been the whole time and you would be wise to have yourself tested for STDs. You need to talk to a divorce lawyer and start the ball rolling on filing. You never had a marriage so there is really nothing to save. Kick her out of the master bedroom and let her have the couch. If you can get her out of the house you will be better off.

Do a search on this site for "the 180" and practice it to the tee until your divorce is final. You need to get angry and stop letting her use you. she has no respect for you and it doesn't sound like you have much for yourself. Divorce her and find a woman that loves you and doesn't expect you to share her with other men. Stick around and keep reading here and asking questions and all of the folks here will fast-track you out of infidelity. The action you are taking now will only keep you in limbo until she decides to leave YOU. Best of luck my friend, hang in there and don't forget to take care of yourself.

Link to the 180 :
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

The only thing more foolish you could do at this point is get her pregnant.

1) Stop having sex with her.
2) If you can't control yourself and not have sex with her, wear a condom. Don't. Get. Her. Pregnant. And, condoms are good at preventing diseases (but not perfect).
3) Stop kissing her. Diseases spread from oral contact, too.
4) STFU with her. Just stop saying anything about this other man. Stop saying anything about which gym she goes to or what kind of communications she is having with anybody. You look foolishly weak in her eyes, and you are giving her every key to the kingdom required to abuse you and cheat on you. Just STFU.
5) See your doc. Call them first, they may not do STD testing. You may have to go to a county clinic or a reproductive health clinic. Get a full battery of STD tests. You'll have to return in 6 months to repeat a couple of them.
6) Consult with an attorney immediately. They typically give a 15-30 minute free consult as a way to get your business. You can find out how divorce usually works in your location for someone in your position. You need this information.
7) See a therapist. You are engaging in self deception, and you have a serious lack of self respect. You deserve better than to be treated the way she is treating you.

Finally, you have the right to how you feel about her behavior. You don't have to comply with anybody else's belief system of whether you should be accepting of her being in contact with an ex-bf. I know it is a popular concept amongst younger generations who grew up with social media that everybody should be fine with having social contact with ex-lovers, but that is a bunch of crap. Unless you feel that way too, in which case you are entitled to feel that way. But obviously you don't! You are entitled to have your opinions and feelings that her behavior is not acceptable to you.

Your remedy is to either decide to live with the ongoing pain of her being in an affair with this guy, or you can decide her behavior exceeds your limits within a marriage. If the latter, you can either leave the marriage or you can set iron clad boundaries with zero tolerance for failure. Given her history of lying, deceiving, and violating her promises to you, I'd cut her free.


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

Well...I don't really think you are a fool, but she is making you look like one, and a chump. Really... Just hirer a PI if you absolutely need to have the proof, but get on with it and divorce her. She wants him, might as well make that her only option. 

Since she works out daily it would be EASY to catch them. Or you follow her and wait out of sight.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Yes, she has been taking you for a ride and you've been paying for the gas. 

Stick a fork in it and file for D. Tell her family why.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Richard84 said:


> GTdad, no, it appears as though he may have asked her if she knew anybody in FL that knew of any vacancies, since he was moving there. I'm pretty sure that is what it was. Her text stated " a friend is looking for a place in Tampa".


If you want to know what is really going on you have to stop confronting her every time you find something out. When you do that it drives anything she is doing underground.

Most people who are having an affair use their cars as private phone booths to talk to their affair partner. Once of the best ways to find out what is going on is to put a VAR in her vehicle. I suggest that you get a VAR (voice activated recorder) and hide it in her car. you can secure it up under the front seat using adhesive backed Velcro. Leave it there for a few days and see what you get. Keep in mind that this is illegal in that you it's illegal to record a conversation that you are not a party to. So if you do it, what you record is for your ears only and can only be used to prove to yourself that you are not being overly jealous, etc.

You could also hire a PI to follow her around and see what they can find out. This would cost a lot of money. But if you have the money, it might be worth it.

I'm suggesting that you find out more because you clearly do not have enough evidence yet to make you 100% sure that whatever she is doing is worth ending the marriage over. So get the proof you need.

And if/when you get more evidence, don't run to her and expose your evidence. Go to a lawyer and get your divorce drawn up and have her served.

Once you have all the evidence that you need to prove to yourself what is really going on, you can tell her that you know that she is meeting him, that she has no regards for your feelings about her relationship with him. You can tell her a few facts to let her know that you know what she's up to. But you cannot tell her the source. You really need to get a lot smarter about all this.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

There is no need to "catch them". THere is no need to "go dark".

There is only one need here. Get a lawyer and file for divorce. Please, even though it's hard, do NOT take her back. Do NOT listen to anything she has to say.

Your wife is a L I A R. She will always be a L I A R.
She has cheated on you with her ex your entire relationship. She has had numerous occasions to STOP. SHe has not. What is the best way to predict a person's future behavior? THEIR PAST BEHAVIOR. Her past if full of cheating and lying.

You already know you're ACTING like a fool, or you wouldn't have asked.

You already know what you SHOULD do.

Do it. Divorce this cheating, lying person. I assure you, there are other women out there, and a few of them are not liars and cheats. Find one of those.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

You can't keep someone in your marriage who doesn't want to be there...her actions denotes someone wants him and not you...I bet she would not even take a polygraph for fear she would fail.


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

Richard you are paying the price for your weak behviour towards your wifes actions. You need to act now in no uncertain terms. Your wife has continued to disrespect and lie to you over a long period of time. This has happened because you have enforced no consequences of whatsoever towards her. You have also gone about this whole situation wrong.

You need to man up and tell your wife if i catch you communicating in any way with your ex whether it be phone, email, facebook, in person, or at the gym we are done and headed for divorce. Say this in a stern calm manner. Be prepared to follow through on this. Failure to do so will relegate you to complete joke status in her eyes as she obviously lacks respect for you as it is at present.

Monitor her discreetly and don't let on you are doing so. Is your wife working or a stay at home? Do you have a joint bank account? If you currently support her cut off her finances, and seperate your pay into your own personal account. Inform her you will no longer be supporting an unfaithful, lying, deceiving spouse. When she wishes to change her attitude and commit to the marriage than you will revisit your financial support towards her.

You need to unexpectedly pop into her gym a couple of days after you give her this spill.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

Richard84 said:


> The next day she admits to me she met him at his house the week prior. But nothing happened, and it won't happen again...


One more quick note: Even if I knew I would not touch an ex-girlfriend, I would still not dare go to her house behind my wife's back because I value my wife's trust in me. There are some aspects of my marriage that I'm quite disappointed in, but still, I could never live with myself if I ruined the trust. For whatever reason, your wife doesn't feel that way about you. I hope you have the strength to get out so that you can have another chance to meet someone who would value you.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Richard,

You might be a fool for trusting a woman who is clearly addicted and in love with someone else, but your trust and tolerance are virtues that come from a good place. The crime in this matter is entirely on your W. 

Divorce your W and she will become the fool when she goes to the OM, there is nothing for you to save here, don't look back or let her persuade you.

In the meanwhile expose OM to high heaven, everyone who means anything in his life.

Tamat


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

StillSearching said:


> ^this
> They have and are more than likely still having SEX. Get woke!


Actually, the sex thing is one more factor.

The main factor is that she really shouldn't be in touch with her ex as if she weren't a married woman.

It's disrespectful and it isn't right.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

The only one keeping you in this is you.

You are a fool for punishment.

You're teaching her how she can treat you.


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## eric1 (Apr 10, 2015)

Dude


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

EleGirl's suggestion that you do some surveillance is spot on. My guess is that your wife is sleeping with the ex. Meeting him alone at his house with no sexual activity? Really? But the problem is that this is so hard for a betrayed spouse to face. So you believe the lies and convince yourself otherwise. So you stay in sort of a limbo, knowing something is wrong but trying to deny it. You don't want to leave her because just MAYBE she isn't really sleeping with him. If you can get her on a VAR talking to him, or have a PI take photos, you'll probably end up with the certainty and closure that you need. Whatever you do, don't stay in limbo. You've been in it long enough.


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

I am very much a fan of saving any marriage worth saving. The unfortunate reality is that you are her second choice, or Plan B. The one she really wants is the ex. Is that really what you want out of a marriage? 

I agree with the others. See a lawyer, then have her served divorce papers. Tell her you are moving on and she can have her ex so she'll be happy.

Grow some testicles and put an end to this charade once and for all!

Sent from my SM-N950U using Tapatalk


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## Sparta (Sep 4, 2014)

She has no respect for you at all you’re just a safe bet. You’re just a wallet to maintain her lifestyle. She does not want you for sex that’s her boyfriends job. So ask your self why be married you pay for her life receive no benefit. 

I’m with everyone else on here and your marriage to there’s no good POS wife. Teach her that she can’t treat you like this anymore and end the marriage. Don’t have any notions of fixing this it’s unfixable.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

No. You're catching on. Hand her the D papers. Let her ex have her, as she has always been his.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Your wife has obviously been cheating on you for years. With such a short marriage and no kids, have her served ASAP.

Separate your finances, institute the 180 so you can detach and work on building yourself up.

The longer you wait to file and kick her to the curb, the worse you will feel. It is so plain that she's laying the groundwork to get back with her ex. Fighting for her will most likely not work. Just let her go.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

OK just to summarise the collective thinking here:


Your wife has been in "contact" with her ex throughout your relationship with her. Do you know when and why she broke up with her ex? And how long after did you come into the picture ?


She has absolutely no problem with lying to you. How did it get to this level of disrespect ? Has she always paid lip service to what ever you tell her or is it only in relation to her ex ? She doesn't care what you think - she wants her ex in her life too (go back to my question on when and why did they break up and when did you come into the picture).


The chances are very high that she has been sleeping with him. You cannot possibly believe that it was a coincedence that he happened to just come to that gym on the day that you went in with her. They probably picked out that gym together for convenience.


You have let her off the hook with no consequences too many times. And each time you confront she takes it further underground.


You may need more tangible proof for your own closure but there is enough from what you have told us to say, just based on those facts you need to end this marriage and protect yourself asap. Are there any children involved ?


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Do you happen to know why her ex got rid of her?

If you enjoy tormenting yourself by caring about her antics, carry on.

Are you a fool?

Opinion ahead!

If you think your wife has ever been faithful to you, then yes, you are a fool.

I am pretty sure she has been having hot sweaty sex with her ex every chance she has had ever since she met you. She never had the slightest intention of breaking it off with him. She only told you she would to get you to shut the hell up. Then she just kept right on doing what she had always been doing. And she will keep right on doing it no matter what you do.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Richard, Richard, Richard, you know the score, don't you my man. Your chick has two stooges chasing after her and enjoying every minute of it. The ex, who is likely getting what he believes is free booty call, is thinking how lucky he is having a filly to ride while somebody else feeds and maintains her. At best she's playing Eeny, Meeny, Miny, Moe with you two guys. My guess however, is her apartment in Florida indicates you're going to get the old, "I love you but" speech and she'll be packing her clothes, swimsuit, and sun tan lotion.

My recommendation is you spend a little more time bird dogging her activities and if your suspicions are correct, tell her you know she still has a thing for the ex and you love her so much you're going to cut her loose so she can be with her true love. 

Other than perusing her phone, computer, VAR in the house/car, et cetera, you may want to track her. A Whistle dog tracker, planted in her car will do the trick. I have one on my red bone **** hound, who sometimes gets out and runs the neighborhood, and it will put me within 10 ft of her on a google map. Check it out on the internet.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

You've given her a NUMBER of chances, and she's had NO consequences for ignoring what you want. Now, she needs to face the consequences. You SHOULD NOT have to put up with her constant lying and flirting(or MORE) with her ex.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> I'm suggesting that you find out more because you clearly do not have enough evidence yet to make you 100% sure that whatever she is doing is worth ending the marriage over.


 I disagree with your statement that "you clearly do not have enough evidence yet to make you 100% sure that whatever she is doing is worth ending the marriage". He already knows for a fact that during his short years of marriage that she has gone behind his back to the other other man's (OM) house on multiple occasions, including alone at night. He knows for a fact that throughout his marriage she has been staying in contact with the OM behind his back. He also knows for a fact that she willingly lies to him in order to maintain the OM in her life. Additionally he knows that for everything that he does know, their is much more that he does not know. Based on these facts alone, it is at the very lease an emotional affair that has some elements of being physical, and that she has lied to him throughout the marriage in order to maintain a relationship with the OM. An emotional affair coupled with not being able to trust your spouse is reason enough to end a short marriage with no children.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Sounds like the ex really isn’t an ex...


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

If you're not convinced yet have a PI follow her when she goes to the gym.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

OP,

Your wife and her ex are having sex. One doesn't go over to an ex's house at night behind her husband's back, in order to eat pop tarts and shoot the ****.
They do that to slap nasties like there is no tomorrow.

Accept it.


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## scaredlion (Mar 4, 2017)

You have received some good advice. Now if I was in your situation , and being the person I am (I don't hurt anyone unless they hurt me first), I would flat out tell her if she continues to stay in contact with him or even so much as smiles at him across a crowded room, I am going to look up one of my old girlfriends or some other girl from my past and start the same relationship she has with her EX. Tell her you WILL find out if she contacts him and that anything she can do you can do also. You seem to be at a point where you either fight back or lay down in defeat. Of course I am a lot older than you and still think like I did in my day. I would already have had a serious face to face and man to man talk with this gentleman. I do wish you well.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Another opinion piece. About this girl. This piece.

I don't think her ex is necessarily a stooge, though. That guy got rid of her. He probably has another girlfriend now. To him this guys girl is just another piece of nookie for occasional fun.

That's why this girl hooked up with this Original Poster. The man she wanted, her ex, didn't want to keep her around full time, and she wanted someone to pay her bills.

So enter the fool.


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## OutofRetirement (Nov 27, 2017)

Richard, why do you think your wife does this secretly stuff with this one man, knowing how hurt you are by it? What is her motivation, in your opinion?

I don't know what to make of it. Whatever it is, it's not good. But without more info, it's hard to determine if it's bad or worse.

Did this guy break off with her, or cheat on her?

Did you start up with her almost immediately after they broke up, or sooner?

I do believe that a lot of men and women keep old ex's and current opposite-sex "friends" "just in case."

The meet up, which you read in text, who was the aggressor? It was his party, he invited her. She was at the gym, he made a bee-line to her within two minutes.


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## Richard84 (Jan 31, 2018)

OutofRetirement said:


> Richard, why do you think your wife does this secretly stuff with this one man, knowing how hurt you are by it? What is her motivation, in your opinion?
> 
> I don't know what to make of it. Whatever it is, it's not good. But without more info, it's hard to determine if it's bad or worse.
> 
> ...


Thank you everyone for your feedback. My wife going to the party was apparently orchestrated by a friend of hers. A friend who my wife told me had cheated on her husband with another man. As for the gym, I believe my wife knew he would be there when we went. I remember her telling me just before we entered the gym that she was nervous. I asked why, she said "Don't you ever get nervous before you work out?"


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

It appears you are being played. As this is deep underground, I recommend a PI. Once you have evidence, if at all, go to her boyfriend. Warn him off. 
Then, and only then when he is gone and she is isolated, do you confront. I have recently learned of the advantages of the isolation. It keeps them from leaving immediately on confrontation. It sets up a loop in their head where they are suddenly without an escape plan, and you can then be in the drivers' seat. One thing that I found with betrayed clients is the feeling of powerlessness. This gives you the ultimate power. Use it.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

I would bet she started going to that gym because he suggested it. I would check to see if she is still going there or if her ex switched gyms too. I would check a few times. You would not believe how many affairs we have seen take place at gyms. I would never let my wife go to one alone.

You can get a Sony voice activated recorder for about sixty bucks. Check how it works before you hide it n her car with Velcro under the drivers seat. Can you check where she goes and been using google maps on her phone and where’s my phone?


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Richard84 said:


> Thank you everyone for your feedback. My wife going to the party was apparently orchestrated by a friend of hers. A friend who my wife told me had cheated on her husband with another man. As for the gym, I believe my wife knew he would be there when we went. I remember her telling me just before we entered the gym that she was nervous. I asked why, she said "Don't you ever get nervous before you work out?"


Your W knew OM was there or could appear. Your W has a very toxic friend.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

Richard84 said:


> Thank you everyone for your feedback. My wife going to the party was apparently orchestrated by a friend of hers. A friend who my wife told me had cheated on her husband with another man. As for the gym, I believe my wife knew he would be there when we went. I remember her telling me just before we entered the gym that she was nervous. I asked why, she said "Don't you ever get nervous before you work out?"


So what's your plan?


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Richard84 said:


> Thank you everyone for your feedback. My wife going to the party was apparently orchestrated by a friend of hers. A friend who my wife told me had cheated on her husband with another man. As for the gym, I believe my wife knew he would be there when we went. I remember her telling me just before we entered the gym that she was nervous. I asked why, she said "Don't you ever get nervous before you work out?"


I doubt that a friend set her up to attend the party. She got an invite from her Ex and she went without your knowledge.

When she started going to the gym at the same time, it was obviously a pre-arranged meeting with her Ex. I doubt they spent all their physical exertions on the equipment at the gym.

Sorry, but your wife has been lying to you and cheating on you. Yes - secret communication and meetings with an Ex when she knows it causes you distress is cheating. But I think she has taken it to a physical level already. If you want to eliminate this pain you are in, get the source of the pain out of your life.


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## OutofRetirement (Nov 27, 2017)

Richard, you have been with your wife for five years, and she has been acting this way, and lying to you continually, for the whole five years together, and the whole two years. I don't believe anyone here can tell you anything you don't already know.

I don't know the right word to say it. You're kind of like the frog in the cool water, and year by year, the water has been getting hotter and hotter. At least as far as your awareness of her lying, you gradually have gone from cold to hot. At this point, you must be know the water is boiling. In reality, she has been a bald-faced liar from day one. She just was able to trick you initially. 

At this point, is there any reason you should give her the benefit of the doubt?

What I see are, let's say, 100 assertions she has made. You know for sure that 50 of those 100 assertions are lies. The other 50 assertions, you can't tell. There's not a single one that you can tell is full truth. 

Do you foresee that at some point she comes clean, gets rid of the ex, and is morally strong enough to not let her cheating friend influence her to cheat, too? I wonder if her girlfriend's husband says his wife's friend is being a bad influence on her cheating girlfriend (your wife). 

There are ways you can spy on your wife when you are not around. A private investigator is one. What is the difference in cost between a private investigator and a divorce attorney? If you like hands on, I have even know people personally who put tape recorders in their house and cars and caught the goods that way.

In any event, people with strong convictions don't hang out with friends who act against those convictions. If you strongly believe that bank robberies are wrong, you probably won't hang out with bank robbers. If you strongly believe cheating is wrong, you probably won't hang out with cheaters. Which tells me either your wife thinks cheating is acceptable, or at least it's not that bad. There is an old cliche, birds of a feather flock together.


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## skerzoid (Feb 7, 2017)

Richard84:

1. Have you even tried to see a lawyer? If not, you are a fool.
2. Have you considered having a friend go to the gym to take pictures with his cell phone? If not, you are a fool.
3. Have you gone 180 on her yet? If not, you are a fool.
4. Have you removed the pedestal that you have placed her on yet? If not, you are a fool.
5. Have you considered how codependent you appear? If not, you are a fool.
6. "She tells me she met her ex at the gym. I'm frustrated, but what can I do." Have you considered taking testosterone supplements? If not maybe you should.
7. Did you confront her X at the gym? If not, do you not know how weak that makes you appear in her eyes?? 
8. Have her served without warning. It will either knock her out of her crap or show you her true colors. Good riddance then!
9. Dude, they (her, her girl friend, and her lover) are laughing at you. I would rather die alone than be treated like that. Women are drawn to courage, not weakness. That's the law of the jungle. Be strong.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Richard84 said:


> Please help. I've been married for over 2 years, together for 5. My wife won't stop speaking to her ex, and does so behind my back.
> 
> Very early on in our relationship, she continued communicating to her ex via phone and email. It was happening without me knowing, but I found out, and when I explained that I was not comfortable with this. She agreed not to speak to him again, but she thought I was wrong to ask for this of her.
> 
> ...


Yes you are a fool. 

What else do you need to know.


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## doconiram (Apr 24, 2017)

Yes, you are an absolute fool.

GTFO of this mess.

She has no respect for you or your marriage...

She cares more about her ex.

Make her your ex.


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## stillthinking (Jun 1, 2016)

Maybe if you become the ex, she will start caring about you. Sounds like ex's are her thing.


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## skerzoid (Feb 7, 2017)

I think Richard has left the building.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Some people just want to believe anything than the truth, someday he'll wake up and smell the coffee.

PS Richard to your question...yes you are a fool


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## thedope (Jan 3, 2017)

I hope he is still lurking. Because he may not want to hear this but Afults who like each other don't go to a private house and just hang out. They had sex and Richard doesn't want to admit it. It's a bit a of a 2x4 but he needs the wake up call.


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

Richard, as long as you act like a doormat, your WW will wipe her feet on you. Grow a pair! act now!


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## DjDjani (Feb 10, 2018)

So sorry for you. But your wife is ****ing her ex for a long time. With her not admmiting to PA you wont get answers. Tell her you want poligraf for her or it is a divorce. Then you will now what to do next. But divorce her is probbably the best thing to do.


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

File for D now. That will get her attention. Do your 180. No matter what she says, keep the 180 pressure on.
Anyhow, you most likely know that this will end in D.


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