# A post for the brave ones regarding cheatin.



## Gonecrazy (Oct 12, 2014)

Does anyone here think that cheating is a lesser evil than a break up? If you know your financial future is going to be effed, and you get along ok. There is just no more romance or sex. No DV or other problems. You have gone down the counselling road and are just at the point of giving up, but can't leave just to put you sexuality before your children's wellbeing.

Don't want to be inlove or start another relationship or give two hoots about love. Just need a good f$&k but not at the cost of your family's happiness. Would
You cheat?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Tell your mate you want an open marriage.

Why aren't you getting it at home?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Asking for an open marriage may work, but has its own problems. However, it could be worth a try, but if denied, I'd break up. Breaking up can sometimes be the best solution, but cheating really doesn't solve anything, and only creates new, usually even bigger problems.

As for the financial future - who can know? Unless you're too old to really develop new career and financial options, there is always hope and opportunity. Short term would be difficult, no doubt. Why is divorce so expensive? Because it's worth it.


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## Marriedwithdogs (Jan 29, 2015)

Seems like all you're waiting for is an opportunity. I personally wouldn't be able to live with myself. Sometimes things are better left in ones head as fantasies...then again that eventually gives birth to cheating if you think about it long enough. Tell her that you've been thinking about cheating bc of x,y,z. That may challenge her to change. If you are justifying why cheating would be ok, you've already checked out. If I ever divorce, I want to walk away with my name and my integrity. Also, your kids WILL find out and never look at you the same. Is 10-20 min worth of sexual pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Gonecrazy said:


> Don't want to be inlove or start another relationship or give two hoots about love. Just need a good f$&k but not at the cost of your family's happiness. Would
> You cheat?


Are you missing the emotional connection and love language of physical touch or just want to get off?


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## Gonecrazy (Oct 12, 2014)

Thanks for your responses guys. A little background history so you can better understand. Together for almost 11 years. First 3 years were great but life's challenges have really taken the edge off my happiness after children came along. My wife's attitude to sex and her sexuality have just done it for me. She has no confidence, and when we were first together I worshiped her, not just to help boost her self esteem but because I though that she was wonderful.

After a while married she just started rejecting me constantly. At first I didn't mind because I was in love. But it got to the point that I just never came on to her. Then she started giving me pity sex. I didn't notice at first but the look on her face one day as she was going down on me is still singed in my eye balls today. I then started feeling inadequate. I'm not good enough for her, if she enjoyed sex with me she would be more willing to make love to me. I got to the point that 2 years earlier, I suffered ED. I have recovered now with out any meds and now know that it was all from the stress, depression, performance anxiety. 

Fast forward to now. I have explained how I feel and she just thinks its silly and that she loves making love to me. Every time though, I start to feel guilty to receive pleasure from her, like I'm molesting her. I start to wonder weather she actually wants me or is this just some more pity sex that she feels obligated to give me. The only time we have sex, is when I'm asleep, she wakes me and starts me. I don't have a chance to think negative thoughts.

I expect a woman to be a little more forward in perusing me. I have has so much rejection and pity sex from her that the thought of making love to her just riddles me with guilt. I have never cheated on her or anyone in my entire life, and I am proud to admit that. But, I just can't stand living like this. I have given up so much to be a good father and husband and I just want descent, guilty free, regular sex.

Also, if anyone reading this actually knew my wife, they would want to slap my face. She is such a good woman, puts her children first, and we do work together quite well. I just can't walk away, lose the house we have worked on so hard to get, tell the kids they can't afford to play their after school sport, just do daddy can get some pu$$y. THAT makes me feel guilty.

I would much rather find a prostitute that can be with me on my time frame, i have no pressure to be awesome with her, and she won't fall in love with me or want anything more than her $150. I need to feel the excitement in life again. I need to feel my house hold slavery of working, coming home to choirs and homeworks and what not, that there is something great to look forward to. Half assed sex once per fortnight just isn't cutting it, and I feel I can't just let life float past me and take my happiness with it.

Thanks for reading.
Gonecrazy


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Something to consider....if the only reason you are staying married is to protect your self financially how is that going to get better with time? The longer you are married the more invested you become and that just makes divorce all the more costly. Also the longer you are married the longer you will be responsible for spousal support after the divorce. The children shouldn't suffer financially either, if you can provide for them now you can provide for them after divorce.

Personally I don't know how you could be emotionally invested in your marriage while having sex with strangers. How could you rub up against a prostitute and then go home and hug your kids? That's a disgusting way to live in my book.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Maybe it's in another post, but how often do you guys have sex? Once a month, twice a month, every few months?

If she is waking you up for sex, it's not really pity sex, IMO. heck if you are asleep, why not let sleeping dogs lie, if she didn't really want to sleep with you?


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## Marriedwithdogs (Jan 29, 2015)

I agree that if shes waking it up to have sex, it's nOT pity sex, it's bc she's horny. A lot of men say that the sex life has changed once kids come along( my h says the same) but isn't that to be expected? I mean is it really realistic to think that having sex whenever and wherever will ever be common place while you're raising kids. I think you need to stop being so doom and gloom about it , as she's still initiating and hasn't stopped having sex for weeks or months. It sounds like what you want is "new" excitement. In the meantime make sure you are wetting her whistle too!


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Prostitute? No that's not ok in any way at all.

Cheating? I'm sure many use your rationalizations but it still isn't ok.

An open marriage? That would be ok, but you have to realize it is a 2 way street. Your wife could go out and bang other men.

Either your marriage is acceptable or it is not. It may not be perfect, or even good, but is it acceptable? If so, you are married and act that way. If not, get out. Everyone including your kids will be happier in the end.

And your financial excuse is a bunch of crap. You're plenty young enough to recover from the costs and to build a livable quality of life.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Forgive me, I just reread your post again.

It sounds to me like you are looking for excuses to leave her. You aren't excited, you work hard, you come home to noisy kids, choirs. That must be awful on the ears. Just kidding I know you meant chores.

Life is hard work. Making a marriage work is hard. Building a family is even harder. Make an effort, date each other. Find a babysitter, go out. 

It seems to me though that you are grasping at straws looking for an excuse to effectively end your marriage. For financial reasons you don't want to. Fine. But what is it you really want? Sounds like to be single and dating whoever and whenever you want to.

And that's fine too. Walk away. If you aren't happy - you aren't happy. But don't go the cheater or hooker route. Your wife and kids are at least owed that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Gonecrazy said:


> Thanks for your responses guys. A little background history so you can better understand. Together for almost 11 years. First 3 years were great but life's challenges have really taken the edge off my happiness after children came along. My wife's attitude to sex and her sexuality have just done it for me. She has no confidence, and when we were first together I worshiped her, not just to help boost her self esteem but because I though that she was wonderful.
> 
> After a while married she just started rejecting me constantly. At first I didn't mind because I was in love. But it got to the point that I just never came on to her. Then she started giving me pity sex. I didn't notice at first but the look on her face one day as she was going down on me is still singed in my eye balls today. I then started feeling inadequate. I'm not good enough for her, if she enjoyed sex with me she would be more willing to make love to me. I got to the point that 2 years earlier, I suffered ED. I have recovered now with out any meds and now know that it was all from the stress, depression, performance anxiety.
> 
> ...


So let me get this straight. Your plan to get decent, guilt free regular sex is to cheat on your wife? Really?

Your wife is waking you up for sex, she's into you. She wants to have sex with you. You're not having regular sex? Want to see why? Go look in the mirror. That's the person keeping you from having regular sex.

There's two possibilities here. One, you got this wrong idea about your wife and either can't or won't overcome it on your own. If this is the case you should seek therapy to kill this mind worm before it kills your family.

The other possibility is that you're a selfish prick looking to cheat and blame your wife for it. If that's the case, tell her the truth and divorce her so she can find a better husband for herself and father for her kids while you go party with hookers.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

But it got to the point that I just never came on to her. Then she started giving me pity sex. I didn't notice at first but the look on her face one day as she was going down on me is still singed in my eye balls today. I then started feeling inadequate.

*Did you ever feel angry? You seem to have given her the message and she tried to fix things but you didn't have MC or anything so the issues were never resolved.*

I'm not good enough for her, if she enjoyed sex with me she would be more willing to make love to me. I got to the point that 2 years earlier, I suffered ED. I have recovered now with out any meds and now know that it was all from the stress, depression, performance anxiety. 

*Do you both work. How did she react to your ED?

Are you overweight? Lift weights. Build your upper body.*

Fast forward to now. I have explained how I feel and she just thinks its silly and that she loves making love to me. Every time though, I start to feel guilty to receive pleasure from her, like I'm molesting her. I start to wonder weather she actually wants me or is this just some more pity sex that she feels obligated to give me. The only time we have sex, is when I'm asleep, she wakes me and starts me. I don't have a chance to think negative thoughts.

*If she goes after you this way, you can do the same to her. Get her in the shower. Go after her with sex toys. Do you know when she orgasms?*

I expect a woman to be a little more forward in perusing me. I have has so much rejection and pity sex from her that the thought of making love to her just riddles me with guilt. I have never cheated on her or anyone in my entire life, and I am proud to admit that. But, I just can't stand living like this. I have given up so much to be a good father and husband and I just want descent, guilty free, regular sex.

*Read the threads of neuklas and Bagdon. Work on improving your self respect.*

Also, if anyone reading this actually knew my wife, they would want to slap my face. She is such a good woman, puts her children first, and we do work together quite well. I just can't walk away, lose the house we have worked on so hard to get, tell the kids they can't afford to play their after school sport, just do daddy can get some pu$$y. THAT makes me feel guilty.

*Did you ever discuss divorce?* 

I would much rather find a prostitute that can be with me on my time frame, i have no pressure to be awesome with her, and she won't fall in love with me or want anything more than her $150. I need to feel the excitement in life again. I need to feel my house hold slavery of working, coming home to choirs *A lot of us wish we came home to choirs*and homeworks and what not, that there is something great to look forward to. Half assed sex once per fortnight just isn't cutting it, and I feel I can't just let life float past me and take my happiness with it.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

I have said before that cheating is so much more than having sex with another person. That's not what destroyed my marriage. What destroys a marriage is everything that accompanies the cheating. The lies and deception. And every single moment you invest in another woman, you are stealing time from your family. 

Either fight for you whole marriage, or make a hard decision. Deciding to cheat should not be part of the thought process, IMO.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Gonecrazy said:


> *Does anyone here think that cheating is a lesser evil than a break up? If you know your financial future is going to be effed, and you get along ok.* There is just no more romance or sex. No DV or other problems. You have gone down the counselling road and are just at the point of giving up, but can't leave just to put you sexuality before your children's wellbeing.


You seem to be working from the presumption that cheating WON'T lead to divorce, and that you'd therefore be spared the "effing" of your financial future.

And you'll still have put your sexual needs ahead of your children's well being either way. After all, cheating puts their future at risk one way or the other, as your spouse may very well opt for divorce if and when she discovers that you've cheated and/or are cheating.



Gonecrazy said:


> Don't want to be inlove or start another relationship or give two hoots about love. Just need a good f$&k but not at the cost of your family's happiness. *Would
> You cheat?*


No. At least not w/o first being blackout drunk, at which point I probably wouldn't be able to walk, much less engage in sex.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

From what you describe a lot of the problem is your own insecurity, not your wife. That will follow you to your relationship with any woman. It's odd to complain about "pity sex" yet think of a prostitute as an alternative - I mean there's someone who REALLY isn't interested in you and is only in it for the money. 

Objectively your sex life sounds pretty good. I think you have to work on your self esteem.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Sex from a prostitute it similar to pity sex... do you really think that a prostitute wants sex with you? No she does not. She wants your money.. that's it. So she will grudgingly give you as little as she can and then grab your cash.

I'm with you.. your wife wakes you up for sex. She initiates. She wants sex with you.

You mention the look on her face when she was giving you oral... most likely you have no idea what she was thinking. You are assuming a lot here.

The problem is with you. You need to fix yourself.

My suggestion is that you save your financial future, your marriage and your children's future... by going to counseling, probably to include a sex therapist.

What it sounds like to me is that you have pent up anger/resentment towards your wife. And you have taken the passive aggressive path to expressing it.. by YOU withholding sex and blaming her. Very often ED in men is philological. 

You can fix this.

Cheating and prostitution will not help, not one bit. They will make sure that you end up divorced.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening gonecrazy
I think a prostitute is in every way worse than "pity" sex. At least with pity sex, your partner has pity, not contempt.

I really think counseling is appropriate. You are getting regular sex from your wife (which is better than some of us do), and it seems that some times she initiates. 

Do you know how to please her in bed - do you do everything you think she might enjoy?


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Gonecrazy said:


> I just want decent, guilty free, regular sex.


Famous last words of a soon to be cheater...

It's guilt free until they get caught. Then all of a sudden they are full of remorse. How many fake R's are built on this dynamic? 

The most delusional part is how they all think they are James fvcking Bond and no ones going to catch them. No one knows = guilt free.


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## Tommy509 (Feb 11, 2011)

Gonecrazy said:


> Does anyone here think that cheating is a lesser evil than a break up? If you know your financial future is going to be effed, and you get along ok. There is just no more romance or sex. No DV or other problems. You have gone down the counselling road and are just at the point of giving up, but can't leave just to put you sexuality before your children's wellbeing.
> 
> Don't want to be inlove or start another relationship or give two hoots about love. Just need a good f$&k but not at the cost of your family's happiness. Would
> You cheat?


I guess I'd say that as long as you tell her and she's okay with it and you're okay with her doing the same and you both agree that it's best for the kids, then it could work. Usually, though, once you've crossed that line, it changes everything between you.


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## Gonecrazy (Oct 12, 2014)

Hello Everybody,

firstly, I want to thank everyone for spending the time to read my post and give me your thoughts. Much appreciated. Normally I like to respond to everyone individually but there are too many posts and opinions and questions over lap so I'll just bunch it all together. Also sorry for the four day delay, been a little busy.

I do feel that my self esteem has taken a dive and that is something that I have to work on. Especially when I had ED, I was contemplating S. I guess I just find it hard to believe that she actually wants me but I read your responses and decided if she hits on me I'm just going to go along with it. The other night we made very loving and passionate love. I let her lead with heaps of fore play and she seemed to really enjoy it. I'll spare you the details.

I think I just really needed someone else to say that she wants me because I just found that hard to believe from past occurrences. I agree with the poster that said it is disgusting to rub up against a prostitute and then come home to my kids. Also, I know that it is just like pity sex, but at least it would be a fair trade and I would not feel like I was robbing her or something.

I didn't blame the ED entirely on my wife but I believe that the constant lack of interest played on my mind and led to it happening. My wife was very supportive and even said if I couldn't' get it up that she would be ok with using toys and my tongue. Once I tried to relax and not worry about it I was ok again. I'm 5'6" and 75 kg. I have pecks and abs with a little bubble wrapping.

When it comes to sex, some times she does not O and says that she enjoyed the sex and doesn't need to O, which makes no sense to me. Other times she can have two or three orgasms. I'm left scratching my head some times. I have been very open with her and asked for what she like and needs.

With money matters, I feel that I could never let another woman get so close to me again that I would never remarry or even date someone seriously. If we chug along as we are now, we will have our modest house paid off by the time I'm 60. that leaves 10 years for retirement savings which is not really enough. If we were to separate, I would legally have to give my wife $300 per week in child support which is not really enough, so I would probable give her $400, which would mean after living expenses, I would have nothing left. As you can see, I would not be able to own a home because it would be one wage and welfare going into two homes instead of two wages going into one. 

Counselors are d!ckheads, there I said it, and I know very well how that makes me look. Only one made sense to me and most of what she said I already knew, the rest didn't really help that much. I will not waist any more money and time on them. Too much to go into detail. You are my counselor.

And I'm sorry, but I just really can't stand coming home to choirs. They are always singing some classical crap. If they were spitting our some chilli peppers or foo fighters, I might not mind.......... Ok fine you got me, Gonecrazy is illiterate.

I really don't want to leave my wife. If I can't have the emotional connection, then I just want the physical one. Having an affair with a hooker means no emotional connection, and noting complicated. I do care about her. She is so selfless to her family, I think I just get left out and don't want to say anything.

I'm not saying I'm totally healed here. But the advice has really helped so thanks very much guys. Also, if you have asked me a question and I have not answered it, just ask it again, because I'm not ignoring you, just can't remember what else was said.

Cheers
Gonecrazy


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## KingwoodKev (Jan 15, 2015)

Gonecrazy said:


> Does anyone here think that cheating is a lesser evil than a break up? If you know your financial future is going to be effed, and you get along ok. There is just no more romance or sex. No DV or other problems. You have gone down the counselling road and are just at the point of giving up, but can't leave just to put you sexuality before your children's wellbeing.
> 
> Don't want to be inlove or start another relationship or give two hoots about love. Just need a good f$&k but not at the cost of your family's happiness. Would
> You cheat?


If there was a gun to my head and the choices were death or cheat I'd take death but I'd die clean.


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## lonelyhusband321 (Feb 18, 2014)

Nucking Futs said:


> So let me get this straight. Your plan to get decent, guilt free regular sex is to cheat on your wife? Really?
> 
> Your wife is waking you up for sex, she's into you. She wants to have sex with you. You're not having regular sex? Want to see why? Go look in the mirror. That's the person keeping you from having regular sex.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

THIS is why NF is a Rock Star!!!!!


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## lonelyhusband321 (Feb 18, 2014)

toonice said:


> i have said before that cheating is so much more than having sex with another person. That's not what destroyed my marriage. *what destroys a marriage is everything that accompanies the cheating. The lies and deception.* and every single moment you invest in another woman, you are stealing time from your family.
> 
> Either fight for you whole marriage, or make a hard decision. Deciding to cheat should not be part of the thought process, imo.


^^^this, op.....


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Gonecrazy said:


> Hello Everybody,
> 
> firstly, I want to thank everyone for spending the time to read my post and give me your thoughts. Much appreciated. Normally I like to respond to everyone individually but there are too many posts and opinions and questions over lap so I'll just bunch it all together. Also sorry for the four day delay, been a little busy.
> 
> ...


At least you're not coming home to this.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

I think you have completely misread the situation with your wife and blown it out of proportion into some weird thing.
No woman is going to wake her husband up for sex unless she seriously wants to have sex with him. Why on earth would she do that?
I'll bet your wife is feeling rejected and needs you to initiate more frequently.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

Gonecrazy said:


> Don't want to be inlove or start another relationship or give two hoots about love. Just need a good f$&k but not at the cost of your family's happiness. Would
> You cheat?


No. If you feel the need to cheat, then do your wife a favor and set her free from you.


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## Dogbert (Jan 10, 2015)

vellocet said:


> No. If you feel the need to cheat, then do your wife a favor and set her free from you.


:iagree:

OP, cheating is the most scummiest things you can do to her.

Why don't you seek some counseling instead? You need to have that moral compass checked out if you are seriously considering cheating on your wife.


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