# Went off on the In-Laws, wife wants a divorce



## KBneedshelp (Jun 17, 2015)

Not sure where to start with my story, so I'll just write what comes to mind and I am open to answering any questions:

My daughter just turned 1 and my FIL came to visit from Colombia, South America for her baptism/birthday last week. This past Saturday, we planned to go to Dutch Wonderland in PA (2.5 hours away) for her. My family, plus my FIL, MIL, BIL and his girlfriend.

We leave a 6:30 in the morning and have a great time at the park. 4pm rolls around and my daughter is having her afternoon bottle (should have had it at 3pm because we have a really good routine with our daughter) and I mention to my wife that we need to think about leaving. She tells me that everyone is having fun and she doesn't want to rush everyone out. I say okay at that time and move on. 

5pm - I again tell my wife that we need to leave. She tells me that my FIL wants to ride the bumper cars and then my MIL wants to ride the monorail. I go along and hope we can leave shortly. 

6pm - I am visibly upset that we are now taking family pictures and taking more time before we leave. My daughter has now fallen asleep in the stroller and was supposed to eat her dinner at 5pm.

7pm - Daughter is still asleep in the stroller as she's exhausted and we have now purchased the park photo souvenirs and the entire family is in the gift shop buying whatever. This is where I lose it on everyone and tell them to get the F*** in the car and go home. 

The reason I was so upset was the routine with our daughter. My wife implemented this routine and we have NEVER missed a feeding, bathtime, bedtime (8pm), etc no matter where we are. We even flew to Colombia to visit my FIL when my daughter was 8 months old and we still never missed anything on our checklist. But this particular day, she was too wrapped up in what her FAMILY wanted to do instead of her daughter, even after I reminded her time and time again. We didn't get home until 10pm and my daughter cried most of the way home obviously. 

Well of course her entire family hates me now and my wife listens to EVERYTHING they want her to do. They've all told her to leave me and she is seriously thinking about doing it. I had to beg her to come to a marriage counselor with me, but our appointment isn't until the 23rd and I'm afraid she won't make it before she packs up and takes our daughter away from me as her family wishes.

I've apologized to the entire family and my wife many times about yelling at them, but nothing is working at the moment and my wife won't talk to me. 

There's a lot more details involved, just wanted to get the basics out in the open first.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

You already know that was a boneheaded move. 

You apologized for it. As long as it was sincere...drop it. 

Odds of divorce over 1 incident...is very low. If her family is still around...talk to the fil and bil. Hang with them. ..i bet you'll get some stories of them doing the same things.

If this was just a one off...give yourself a break.

If there is more like this...then you need to fix that. Figure out why you do that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KBneedshelp (Jun 17, 2015)

MarriedDude said:


> You already know that was a boneheaded move.
> 
> You apologized for it. As long as it was sincere...drop it.
> 
> ...


This was the 1st time I've gone off on them. But my wife and I got into an argument in front of her FIL 4 years ago and he reminded me of that when I apologized to him. He sees it as a pattern. My father did have a history of doing this to my mother and they are now separated. My wife never witnessed this, but has heard stories from my mother, so she's convinced this is where we are headed. 

FIL and BIL have no interest in hanging out with me. FIL doesn't even speak English so it's hard for us to communicate. Their family is very tight and they see this as the ultimate sign of disrespect and there's no forgiving this incident (my wife's words)


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## KBneedshelp (Jun 17, 2015)

crobon said:


> I think you were unreasonable in sticking so rigidly to your daughters schedule when the inlaws had traveled so far and were enjoying their time in the park and you definitely were out of line with the cursing.
> 
> Sorry but if you think most people are going to support your actions I think you're going to be disappointed in the feedback you receive.
> 
> If you think your wife will take your daughter away you need to protect yourself legally by filing a restraining order preventing her from leaving the country. If she's got a passport, see if you can grab it and put it in a safe place.


I understand at this point I was being unreasonable with the schedule. I was just confused because my wife is so strict with me when it comes to the schedule that I'm just used to it now. I pick up our daughter from daycare everyday and if I'm even 10 minutes late, she screams at me for not being there on time for our daughter.


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## EVG39 (Jun 4, 2015)

KBneedshelp said:


> I understand at this point I was being unreasonable with the schedule. I was just confused because my wife is so strict with me when it comes to the schedule that I'm just used to it now. *I pick up our daughter from daycare everyday and if I'm even 10 minutes late, she screams at me for not being there on time for our daughter.*


*
* Well, looks like another shoe just dropped. It certainly sounds like she doesn't have a great deal of respect for you if she is treating you like that. You were certainly wrong in the way you behaved at the amusement park but now it seems like that maybe that was not an isolated incident. If she is screaming at you and you are tolerating it you have a much greater problem than your rigidity.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

KBneedshelp said:


> I pick up our daughter from daycare everyday and if I'm even 10 minutes late, she screams at me for not being there on time for our daughter.


Hmm... Explain the fight he witnessed.


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## KBneedshelp (Jun 17, 2015)

crobon said:


> Honestly if she's going to leave you over this one outburst it might not be worth holding on to her anyway, you'll be treading water for the rest of your relationship however long that lasts.


Your last statement is what I dread next and you're probably right, I'll need to tread lightly forever. I just can't think about being away from my daughter, not even one day.


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## EnigmaGirl (Feb 7, 2015)

I think both of your reactions are wayyyy over the top.

I have two children...one in teens and one in her 20s (they're both living, healthy, intelligent, and functional)...and with both my kids, I barely ever scheduled anything and they're excelling at life in general and seem to be pretty well-adjusted.

There's nothing wrong with having a routine for your children. Its great, however, RE-FREAKING-LAX about it. We're talking about one day off schedule. Jezus who cares?!? 

Honestly, if the kid falls asleep in her stroller...big deal. She's asleep and fine. Its GREAT to change routines with kids because children need to learn flexibility and adaptability. Its very important for later problem solving. Kids that have rigid routines don't learn to adjust for necessary changes and end up high strung about anything and everything. 

Kids need to learn how to self-regulate. They need to learn to adapt and frankly scheduling your entire life and your family's life around a 1 year old is absolutely, freaking ridiculous. 

Your reaction to this was controlling...and frankly just silly, in my opinion.

Your child is still little but for the future, consider this. Parents who are Nazis about regulating their children aren't thinking about the goal of child rearing.

Ultimately you are raising children who need to learn how to make their OWN judgments and decisions. You will not be around all the time. I taught my kids about food and cooking and would always make meals with them but I let them make their own food choices. There were days when they might eat a bag of marshmallows but believe me, they'd only do it once because they could figure out without my help that they get pretty sick of marshmallows. These days my kids are both health nuts that regularly cook for themselves. 

Sleep same thing. I would warn my kids about staying up past a reasonable time and when they disregarded me and were tired and dragging the next morning...I'd remind them of their decision not to go to bed the night before. My kids manage their own sleep time far better than I do these days.

And I could apply this to all other lessons with my kids...homework, jobs, exercise, etc. They need the tools to learn to do it themselves...but micromanagement as your kids get older is a really poor strategy for raising competent adults. It might make you feel like you're handling everything and you may be...but you're teaching them none of the skills required to make good choices on their own.

Helicopter parenting leads to 30 year olds that are still living on your couch playing Xbox all day. I know your child is only a year old but seriously ....relax. And think about your marriage and family. Unless the kid needed to be hospitalized after a stroller nap, your reaction was unnecessarily rude.

As far as her family getting involved in your marriage....unless there is abuse involved, they really shouldn't be allowed to comment...especially based on this one incidence. However, if this is an example of what you think is normal behavior all the time extrapolated to other issues, then I can see why they're giving her their opinion. 

I find it hard to imagine that they're suggesting that she leave you over just this incident. If they are....that seems equally as silly as what happened at the park.


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## KBneedshelp (Jun 17, 2015)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> Hmm... Explain the fight he witnessed.


The fight 4 years ago is somewhat related to the incident at the amusement park as I tried to explain to her that she's not the same person when her family is around. I'm almost invisible when her family is around and I confronted her 4 years ago as it was the 1st time I witnessed it (his first visit here and he usually stays 3-4 weeks at a time). 

I understand where she's coming from since she loves her family to death that I just accepted it and there have been no other incidents like it (he's been back 5-6 times and we've gone to Colombia twice). I don't argue and let her have her fun with her family because she needs it. But this time was different because I felt like she was doing it to our daughter and it got to me. Actually, the final straw was that we needed to pick up our dog from the dog hotel by 9pm or she would have to stay overnight, so I guess this time she was ignoring all 3 of us.


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## EnigmaGirl (Feb 7, 2015)

> I was just confused because my wife is so strict with me when it comes to the schedule that I'm just used to it now. I pick up our daughter from daycare everyday and if I'm even 10 minutes late, she screams at me for not being there on time for our daughter.


Good lord. So you're both acting like this with each other.

Both of you need to put life in perspective...particularly on this parenting issue.

Maybe its because I'm in my 40s but a lot of parents in this generation seem just way over the top to me as far as overscheduling and micromanaging their kids.


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## Morcoll (Apr 22, 2015)

so wait....you told your wife's parents and her family to 'get the f*** in the car'....?

wow. I know women are emotional and can say some nasty things in an argument (and men too) but to say that to her family...and you think she is disrespectful to you? 

I definitely would not feel good ending a trip with my daughter going home and living with you, frankly. I am a father, and my daughter is young, and no doubt dramatic, but you are my worst nightmare.


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## KBneedshelp (Jun 17, 2015)

EnigmaGirl said:


> Good lord. So you're both acting like this with each other.
> 
> Both of you need to put life in perspective...particularly on this parenting issue.
> 
> Maybe its because I'm in my 40s but a lot of parents in this generation seem just way over the top to me as far as overscheduling and micromanaging their kids.


I've actually never thought of how we handle our daughter as micro-managing, but I think you're exactly right. We tend to be very detail oriented when it comes to our daughter and I think it's our first child and we're were kind of clueless.

Now that you put it to me that way, I can see where it will be detrimental to her.


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## KBneedshelp (Jun 17, 2015)

Morcoll said:


> so wait....you told your wife's parents and her family to 'get the f*** in the car'....?
> 
> wow. I know women are emotional and can say some nasty things in an argument (and men too) but to say that to her family...and you think she is disrespectful to you?
> 
> I definitely would not feel good ending a trip with my daughter going home and living with you, frankly. I am a father, and my daughter is young, and no doubt dramatic, but you are my worst nightmare.


I completely overreacted and I'm not trying to justify what I did. I tried to keep it together and had a moment of weakness.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Well, I'm going in a different direction. 

Who set the schedule for care of your child?
Is she a stay at home mom?
Is this your first child?
Why was the feeding so important to you?


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## coffee4me (Feb 6, 2013)

I completely understand your wife and her family's relation to your outburst. I was reading this thread trying to figure out if there is a way to patch things up. I honestly couldn't think of one. 

People who don't understand the severity of the reaction were likely not raised in cultures or families where respect is so greatly emphasized. 

In my life I never spoke to my parents the way the way the OP spoke to his in laws. Therefore, I think how could I be with someone that would disrespect them on that level.


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## EnigmaGirl (Feb 7, 2015)

> We tend to be very detail oriented when it comes to our daughter and I think it's our first child and we're were kind of clueless.


I think its normal to be more rigid with your first and learn to relax with subsequent children. But I can tell you in my own experience, I'm glad that I had a laid back attitude about parenting...it really has resulted in independent children that are very low maintenance in later child-rearing years when some of my friends have struggled.

What's funny is that when my kids were little, some of those same friends used to kind of criticize my "hippy" parenting style. Their kids were on a strict clock for meals, sleep and play dates. I'm not the competitive type so I'd just laugh and shrug it off. My kids were healthy and seemed pretty happy so I figured I was doing ok. My mom had 5 kids and we raised free-range...and now, we're all successful, educated, happy adults.

I used to take my youngest one to the office with me when she was a baby. Her crib was in there. I can honestly tell you that I never clocked a feeding. I nursed her until she was over a year old and would feed her when she started crying her "hunger cry." Her naps were taken wherever I was...crib, car, grocery store, someone else's office in her car seat...with lots of noise. She didn't have a nap time, she would just go to sleep when she was sleepy. And today she's 15 and is a perfect healthy, absolutely beautiful, extremely happy, honor roll student.

I think you just need to relax a little. Your daughter can be off schedule and she's been just fine. 

I think like you and the other's have alluded to, the real issue isn't about your lovely baby at all. Its about the fact you and your wife have gotten off-track and have lost focus on each other. Regardless of what happened at the park, shame on her for letting her family interfere with your marriage. She should have the respect for you to work that out privately between the two of you.

I really hope that you two can sit down together and talk this through. I know its hard to imagine this now because your child is a baby...but the kids eventually leave to start their own lives but your partner, (hopefully), stays with you for life. So the quality of that relationship needs the primary focus.

Good luck. You sound like a really caring, loving dad and I hope you two are able to work things out.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Well, I'm glad you see that your actions at the park were 100% wrong. You need to relax. Parenting only gets harder from here (then gets easier, then harder again!) and flexibility often is the name of the game, especially on vacation!! When you look back in ten years, you're not going to say, "man, I wish my daughter had taken just a few more naps!" My sister's SIL would never (probably still to this day and her kids are way too old for naps) do anything at ALL during nap time for her kids. She could not deviate from the schedule.....not for anything. Mom's birthday? Nope. A baby shower? Nope. Wedding reception? Nope. CRAZY! 

With that said, it sounds to me like your wife's family may have seen this as the straw that broke the camel's back. Do you think they see you as controlling in other ways? 

My sis once stood up to my ex at a theme park (Animal Kingdom) when he was acting like this (he, also, wanted to leave and nobody else did). Yelling match. And, if you read any of my other posts/threads, you will see what kind of man he is and why my family hates him.

Now the thing about the dog.....that is pretty annoying. 

Does your wife actually SCREAM at you when you are late to daycare? Is this something you consistently do and it results in late pick-up fees?


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## KBneedshelp (Jun 17, 2015)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> Well, I'm going in a different direction.
> 
> Who set the schedule for care of your child?
> Is she a stay at home mom?
> ...


Who set the schedule for care of your child? - My wife, she selected the daycare because they speak Spanish and English.
Is she a stay at home mom? - No, she also works and drops her off in the mornings (7:30am) and I pick her up (4pm). I work 7-3pm and she works 8-4:30pm.
Is this your first child? - Yes and our only child, we will not be able to have others. 
Why was the feeding so important to you? - I don't have a good answer to this question other than it was drilled home time and time by my wife. She has set the entire schedule for our daughter. She has breakfast and a bottle at 9am (5oz), lunch at noon (wife makes homemade food for every meal), bottle at 3pm (6oz), dinner at 5pm, bath at 7:45pm, followed by bottle (8oz), brushing her teeth and in bed by 8pm. She has instructed daycare to follow the feeding times as well. She makes sure all of the portions are also controlled as well as the bath temperature (I draw the bath while she gets her ready for bath and I hear it if it's too cold or too hot). She has driven it home to me to much that I live and die by the clock on her wishes.


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## EnigmaGirl (Feb 7, 2015)

> People who don't understand the severity of the reaction were likely not raised in cultures or families where respect is so greatly emphasized.


This is a very relevant point.

My ex-husband was also from another country and he used to routinely put more emphasis on his family and their opinion than I was comfortable with. In addition, their wants were often more important than mine. It was actually one of the many reasons I divorced him.

Regardless of ethnicity though, I have a real issue with in-laws from anywhere getting involved in normal marital issues between two people. Obviously if there's abuse involved, that's different. But what the OP has described simply seems like normal marital conflict that needs to be resolved between the two spouses.

I think this OP has every right to be ticked about their interference.


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## KBneedshelp (Jun 17, 2015)

SecondTime'Round said:


> Does your wife actually SCREAM at you when you are late to daycare? Is this something you consistently do and it results in late pick-up fees?


Yes, she screams at me over the phone because she doesn't want our daughter to be at daycare any longer than she has to be. Daycare is an hour away from where I work (I work in the heart of DC). The latest I've ever been was 30 minutes late, so 4:30 and we've been doing this since August. They don't charge fees until 6pm.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Thank you.

One more question, with two parts, how often does she berate you for breaking the schedule and how do you feel after such an outburst?


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## Guitarman07 (Jun 21, 2014)

EnigmaGirl said:


> I think both of your reactions are wayyyy over the top.
> 
> I have two children...one in teens and one in her 20s (they're both living, healthy, intelligent, and functional)...and with both my kids, I barely ever scheduled anything and they're excelling at life in general and seem to be pretty well-adjusted.
> 
> ...


Wow enigma girl, nice post!

My wife and I have a 10 year old boy and have been married 16 years. Your post sums up EXACTLY the way we feel about raising kids, and just about life in general. 

The thought of a 30 year old still living at home screaming at other dudes through his headset on his xbox sounds like, umm, silver spoons the later years of Ricky Schroeder?

We now have started to have him cook basic things like macaroni and cheese (on the stove and microwave) to help avoid the classic "Mom! Where's the meatloaf!!" From wedding crashers 

On a serious note helicopter parenting seems to fail every time. All of our friends who have done so seem a bit jealous of the way our kid acts. Being a bit care free of human error offers the ability to laugh more. We may be lucky, but when something goes wrong and he laughs about it rather than whining over it I feel like it's a win. 

Strict schedules are for field trips at the museum. Life is full of hurdles and the next one is right around the bend. Learn to be a bit more care free in my opinion OP. It will add years to your life!


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## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

First off, the one year old got nothing from the amusement park.

Second, if you paid to get it, get your monies worth and enjoy it.

Third, babies sleep in strollers all the time.

Forth, it doesn't hurt to have an interrupted schedule once in a while. They aren't stepford kids.

Fifth...if my H ever told me to "F" anything, anyway, any how, etc...he'd be wearing his a$$ for a hat.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

LonelyinLove said:


> First off, the one year old got nothing from the amusement park.
> 
> Second, if you paid to get it, get your monies worth and enjoy it.
> 
> ...


Dutch Wonderland is geared toward the under 6 set. She may have had a BIT of fun, but still too young, I agree.


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## KBneedshelp (Jun 17, 2015)

I'll be honest, I don't care for my in-laws much, but's it not the family closeness that bothers me since their culture is so different than mine that I really can't relate. Basically, they are free-loaders. My wife and I give my MIL $300/mo for bills since she only works part-time. She also gets $300/mo from her son. Her dad hasn't worked in 15 years and we pay for to come here and pay for everything once he's here for 3-4 weeks at a time since he has no money. He can't even buy a cup of coffee for himself while he's here. 

He's been here since 5/29 and we've been out to eat 4 separate times, bowling, amusement park and a bar to watch a soccer game. Personally, I've spent over $700 on entertainment/food out since he's been here. No clue how much my wife has spent as she's taken him shopping a few times.

I feel like that should count for something when I ask to leave since they spent $0 on the day. I'm know I'm being insensitive to the subject, but I don't care if you want to ride bumper cars when I want to leave.


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## KBneedshelp (Jun 17, 2015)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> Thank you.
> 
> One more question, with two parts, how often does she berate you for breaking the schedule and how do you feel after such an outburst?


She berates me every time, but I make sure not to intentionally. Sometimes I get held up at work, but when I'm at home or anywhere uninhibited, I don't miss the schedule she set. 

I do feel disrespected, but not sure what I can do or say.


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## KBneedshelp (Jun 17, 2015)

SecondTime'Round said:


> Dutch Wonderland is geared toward the under 6 set. She may have had a BIT of fun, but still too young, I agree.


I told my wife this as well, but it fell on deaf ears. She wants to go to Disneyworld next year, but I also feel that's our daughter would be too young. She explained to me that she would have a blast hearing the sounds and seeing the colors. I don't get it.


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## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

KBneedshelp said:


> I'm know I'm being insensitive to the subject, but I don't care if you want to ride bumper cars when I want to leave.


Next time provide the ground rules ahead of time...

"We are leaving home for XYZ at 9am, and will stay until 5pm."


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## KBneedshelp (Jun 17, 2015)

LonelyinLove said:


> First off, the one year old got nothing from the amusement park.
> 
> Second, if you paid to get it, get your monies worth and enjoy it.
> 
> ...



First off, the one year old got nothing from the amusement park. -Agreen 100% 

Second, if you paid to get it, get your monies worth and enjoy it. I paid for everyone and I got my money's worth by 4pm. They paid $0 and still wanted more. 

Third, babies sleep in strollers all the time. - Yeah, I understand, but I felt uncomfortable since we still had a 2.5 hour drive home. That nap should have been in the car on the way home, not out in the sun.

Forth, it doesn't hurt to have an interrupted schedule once in a while. They aren't stepford kids. - Point taken

Fifth...if my H ever told me to "F" anything, anyway, any how, etc...he'd be wearing his a$$ for a hat - I'm currently wearing it :smile2:


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## EnigmaGirl (Feb 7, 2015)

> My sister's SIL would never (probably still to this day and her kids are way too old for naps) do anything at ALL during nap time for her kids. She could not deviate from the schedule.....not for anything. Mom's birthday? Nope. A baby shower? Nope. Wedding reception? Nope. CRAZY!


My DIL is like this. She literally schedules every event around the kids' nap time and she over plans stuff to the point that honestly, I often wish I hadn't participated because the fun gets sucked out of it.

I love her and the kids but honestly the kids are hard to handle because with any small amount of freedom, they go nuts. I try really hard to respect her wishes on the schedule but finally ended up telling her that if she wanted us to babysit, she was going to have to allow us some flexibility. I'm not reading a military schedule and synchronizing my watch every time one of the kids needs to take a poop.

She was really, really pushing for us to all go on vacation together last year and this year and I told my husband that there was just NO WAY. Vacation time is precious to me and I'm not spending it dealing with micromanaging our time. We do that all week due to work. I felt pretty guilty because honestly she's a lovely, sweet person...we just have very different ideas on life management. 

Vacations for me are planned very loosely because I like to know what's available to do and where it is but I don't like to guess what I'll actually be in the mood to do until the day comes. Maybe we'll want to sight-see...maybe we'll want to sleep, get drunk and lay on the beach all day...who knows? 

What's really funny is that strategic planning is basically the backbone of my career and I detail everything there to a tedious degree to remove the possibility of failure but I've found that "light" planning and the ability to be flexible and "roll with the punches" has been a far more valuable skill for my personal life. Rigid people tend to flip out when there's any deviation and don't work around things well, in my opinion. They often tend to annoy the hell out of people because their schedule is usually more important than everyone else's wishes. 

Sorry OP...got off topic a bit there.


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## coffee4me (Feb 6, 2013)

KBneedshelp said:


> I'll be honest, I don't care for my in-laws much, but's it not the family closeness that bothers me since their culture is so different than mine that I really can't relate. Basically, they are free-loaders. My wife and I give my MIL $300/mo for bills since she only works part-time. She also gets $300/mo from her son. Her dad hasn't worked in 15 years and we pay for to come here and pay for everything once he's here for 3-4 weeks at a time since he has no money. He can't even buy a cup of coffee for himself while he's here.
> 
> He's been here since 5/29 and we've been out to eat 4 separate times, bowling, amusement park and a bar to watch a soccer game. Personally, I've spent over $700 on entertainment/food out since he's been here. No clue how much my wife has spent as she's taken him shopping a few times.
> 
> I feel like that should count for something when I ask to leave since they spent $0 on the day. I'm know I'm being insensitive to the subject, but I don't care if you want to ride bumper cars when I want to leave.


So you have a lot of resentment already built up toward them and the get the f___in the car was more like F__ you! I paid the bill you leave when I say. 

You have some reasons to be resentful here but your resentment is aimed at the wrong people. Your wife is not setting limits with her family and she is hurting your marriage. Disrespecting your In Laws is a good way to end the marriage.


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## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

KBneedshelp said:


> Fifth...if my H ever told me to "F" anything, anyway, any how, etc...he'd be wearing his a$$ for a hat - I'm currently wearing it :smile2:


:rofl:


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## KBneedshelp (Jun 17, 2015)

LonelyinLove said:


> Next time provide the ground rules ahead of time...
> 
> "We are leaving home for XYZ at 9am, and will stay until 5pm."


Yes and my wife and I have talked about this for the next time (she then said there will never be a next time). It's just never happened before. If she wants to leave or if I want to leave (even family events like Christmas, birthdays), we mention it to each other and take off, no big deal. I guess I took that for granted while her FIL was here thinking it would be the same and it wasn't the case.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

KBneedshelp said:


> Not sure where to start with my story, so I'll just write what comes to mind and I am open to answering any questions:
> 
> My daughter just turned 1 and my FIL came to visit from Colombia, South America for her baptism/birthday last week. This past Saturday, we planned to go to Dutch Wonderland in PA (2.5 hours away) for her. My family, plus my FIL, MIL, BIL and his girlfriend.
> 
> ...



Another one with the entire schedule ordeal. It is nice to have a schedule. Keeps things calm and on track. But to stick to it on a day like you were having is over the top. I hate to say it..some folks use the baby schedule to get out of things. The child will not turn green and fly away if off the schedule for a day. 

The D is a bit extreme. So was your overreaction to off schedule.


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## coffee4me (Feb 6, 2013)

KBneedshelp said:


> She berates me every time, but I make sure not to intentionally. Sometimes I get held up at work, but when I'm at home or anywhere uninhibited, I don't miss the schedule she set.
> 
> I do feel disrespected, but not sure what I can do or say.


This is not doing your child any good to have a schedule only mommy sets. Some of the best advice I read about being a first time mom was that "dads do things different and you do your child a great disservice by not allowing your child to experience the differences". 

It took some will power on my part but when my former H set out to the beach with a spare diaper in his back pocket and that's it, I held back from insisting on my diaper bag of essentials. My baby boy came back just fine wearing no shirt as he and dad wiped their ice cream faces off with their shirts. Going out with dad was the coolest thing ever. How can you take that away from a kid.


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## EnigmaGirl (Feb 7, 2015)

> I'll be honest, I don't care for my in-laws much, but's it not the family closeness that bothers me since their culture is so different than mine that I really can't relate. Basically, they are free-loaders. My wife and I give my MIL $300/mo for bills since she only works part-time. She also gets $300/mo from her son. Her dad hasn't worked in 15 years and we pay for to come here and pay for everything once he's here for 3-4 weeks at a time since he has no money. He can't even buy a cup of coffee for himself while he's here.
> 
> He's been here since 5/29 and we've been out to eat 4 separate times, bowling, amusement park and a bar to watch a soccer game. Personally, I've spent over $700 on entertainment/food out since he's been here. No clue how much my wife has spent as she's taken him shopping a few times.


I can totally see why you're annoyed at this but truthfully its not unusual in a lot of cultures. The kids take care of the parents at a certain age. In some countries having kids is basically the same as investing in a 401K. The parents have an expectation that the kids will support them in retirement.

More and more it sounds like you and your wife just don't understand each other enough and aren't on the same page.

I divorced my ex after over 20 years of marriage so I'm certainly no expert on fixing long-term marital strife...so take what I say with a grain of salt...but it sounds like you guys really need to close ranks and have a series of heart-to-hearts to get to know each other's expectations better. You're just on very different pages about critical things...parenting, family expectations, life management, etc. 

The problem is that you both to be willing to work on this intensively together and she's going to have to make a commitment to keep her family from interfering.


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## KBneedshelp (Jun 17, 2015)

coffee4me said:


> So you have a lot of resentment already built up toward them and the get the f___in the car was more like F__ you! I paid the bill you leave when I say.
> 
> You have some reasons to be resentful here but your resentment is aimed at the wrong people. Your wife is not setting limits with her family and she is hurting your marriage. Disrespecting your In Laws is a good way to end the marriage.


You are correct. I started my outburst on my wife, but then it got out of control and I just targeted everybody as one. Lot of pent of anger came out all at once. 

Sorry, but forgot to mention that I actually thought that my wife had told her family that I wanted to leave (she speaks to them in Spanish so I don't always know what's going on), but that wasn't the case. She never said a word to them about leaving.


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## EnigmaGirl (Feb 7, 2015)

> (she speaks to them in Spanish so I don't always know what's going on)


I recommend you start taking some Spanish lessons.

Funny story, a good friend of mine got married to an Italian guy. For years, her in-laws (who speak English just fine) would speak Italian at the dinner table and she was pretty sure that her husband wasn't translating to her all the things they were saying.

So she started taking language lessons on the side and learned to speak fairly decent Italian in a couple years time. Her instructor fortunately also taught her some slang/slurs.

So over a holiday dinner, she figures out that they're talking all types of trash about her to her husband and he's asking them to stop and only translating the non-rude comments.

Finally they mention something about her cooking and she tells them in Italian a) they don't have to eat it if they don't like it and b) she's not the insulting thing they called her.

She told me that her mother-in-law literally turned purple and was speechless for ages. She said it was sooo worth every minute she spent driving to the classes and studying. Her husband couldn't believe she did it.

Funny enough, they not only apologized to her but the story is family legend and she and the in-laws are now are very close. They really respected her for standing up for herself and learning the language. 

Learning Spanish might be something your wife would really love you to do so that you can be closer to her and her family. Also, it would be great to teach your daughter to be bilingual and learn about your wife's culture. It might go a long way to being a great peace offering for upsetting her family. In addition, you'll know if you're in-laws say something nasty about you...lol.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

KBneedshelp said:


> I told my wife this as well, but it fell on deaf ears. She wants to go to Disneyworld next year, but I also feel that's our daughter would be too young. She explained to me that she would have a blast hearing the sounds and seeing the colors. I don't get it.


2 is way too young for Disney, unless you're part of a larger sibling group and happen to be the youngest. For an only child? WASTE of money. She'll get just as much enjoyment out of the sounds and colors at your local carnivals.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

EnigmaGirl said:


> I recommend you start taking some Spanish lessons.
> 
> Funny story, a good friend of mine got married to an Italian guy. For years, her in-laws (who speak English just fine) would speak Italian at the dinner table and she was pretty sure that her husband wasn't translating to her all the things they were saying.
> 
> ...


That is a GREAT story!!!


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Dude, yes you was wrong, but no help from your wife is even more so to me.
Her respect seem missing. More after reading of you paying for this freeloading fil.
MIL OK, but that bum would not be spending or getting use of 1 dime of my money.

He wants to visit, buy his own ticket, and pay his way.

Here is something you read a lot here " you have to be ready to end your marriage to save it "
To me that's especially true here, cause she has you lower than some freeloader bum-fil.

To be truthful, I would start the 180 on her butt, after telling her, me or them.
It may escalate things, but letting her know not another dime of your money going toward them, will make her see your are not taking her crap anymore.

Why no more kids?
Is her job so menial she will run home with your child?

Even so, fathers have gone on to have good relationships with their kids after D.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

You may have gone over the top but your wife is no innocent victim here. She seemed to care more for her parents than her husband and child.


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

KB, I agree with OldWolf57's comments, and will add a few of my own suggestions.

You've apologized now. Stop apologizing. Continuing to apologize for the same thing makes you look weak.

Stop letting your wife yell at you. Especially over trivial bull droppings. Letting your wife yell at you over trivial stuff makes you look weak.

Stop letting your wife dictate things like "ze baby villl have eck-sactly 5 ounces of milk at eck-sactly 5 pm!" Allowing her to control YOUR life down to this level of detail makes you look weak.

Are you seeing a pattern, here?

Starting to do the 180, as OldWolf suggested, is a great idea. 

I think a better idea would actually be to develop an interest in a hobby of your very own that is unrelated to your daughter or the evil witch of the South, whom you accidentally married. And pursue that hobby with some vigor and enthusiasm. And time away from wifey. Not much time, but SOME time.

If the extent of your sins against la familia is two arguments with their daughter in front of them in 4 years, and she wants a divorce, when she regularly screams at you for being 15 minutes late to pick up your daughter from daycare, well, your wife isn't the one who should be eyeing the exits, here.

P.S. Allowing daddy to mooch off of you for weeks at a time and paying his way up here makes you look weak. You should probably make your wife do it with HER money, going forward.

I think respecting other cultures and all that stuff sounds so cool!

Colombian culture is really strong on family.

As in wives should put their husbands first.

Man, it almost sounds like she is picking and choosing which parts of her culture to practice.

It makes you look weak, that you let her do that. You should start insisting that she treat you, her husband, with respect. That will make you look strong, confident, and secure.

Chicks like husbands who seem strong, confident, and secure.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

your wife sounds like a nightmare.
You made a mistake. The basis of that mistake is all the nighmarish behavior of your wife which has caused you to be in some sort of fog. You are conditioned to freak out when the baby does not get a bottle on time. Your wife created this in you (shame on you).

Get the baby's passport and put it in a safe deposit box like yesterday.

You need to stand up for yourself and let the chips fall. Standing up for yourself when she yells at you, when she puts her family first, when she puts the baby first, and when she gives people money.


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