# New here - struggling with infidelity &#x1f61e;



## mn374

Hi, I'm new here. I am hoping that joining this site will help me deal with the infidelity in my marriage. I am really struggling with coping right now. 

My husband cheated on me 13 months ago. Tomorrow is the first time that he will be going out alone, in the same situation that the cheating happened. He is going out with his friends, then a bbq at a friend's house, then downtown (bars). This is the exact same situation that led him to cheat... 

I know that I cannot keep him locked up forever, and I have known about this day for a month. I have been balling all day. 3 of my hubby's friends have tried to assure me over and over that they will be there and watching him for me. I know that I cannot keep him under my eye forever. At some point I have to trust him. 

I am unable to go and have known about this for a month. I thought I was ok with it but now I don't know how to handle it. I have been crying all day when my husband isn't around. How can I be ok with this and get through it?


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## Adelais

Personally, I don't believe a married man should be going out with his friends, then to a barbecue, and carousing at bars without his wife.

If my husband did that, I'd ask him to pack his bags before he left and find somewhere else to live if he wants to act like a wild and crazy single guy. 

As a married couple we do things together in the evenings. We go to barbecues together, or go out to eat together. Many times other couples are involved. He is not "locked up" as you said about your husband.

I'm serious.

Your husband needs to grow up.


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## arbitrator

*Your husband is a juvenile!

If he's cheating on you and you have unmitigated truth of it, give him the air!

You deserve far better out of a spouse! *


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## UpsideDownWorld11

mn374 said:


> How can I be ok with this and get through it?


Better question is why your husband who knows how triggering this is for you has such little empathy? If he is still hell bent acting as a single person does, this could be a recurring thing. People tend to suck at changing.


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## Adelais

He shouldn't have been carousing 13 months ago in the first place. However since he cheated, his carousing and "single guy life" should be permanently gone.

Have you told him how you feel?

If he cheats again, so much as flirts, kisses a woman, or grabs a woman at a bar, he needs to know that you will be divorcing him immediately. And you will need to stick to your guns.

He doesn't respect you or your marriage wanting to put himself in the same situation where he cheated the first time, and causing you to have to relive the adultery.

For the rest of his life he should be doing whatever he can to protect the marriage, and protect you from his selfish and irresponsible actions.


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## chillymorn69

You might come to the conclusion that you are really not able to forgive his affair.

What kind of marriage would that be ...always fearing that he will cheat again.

Yuck.


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## OnTheFly

mn374 said:


> I am unable to go and have known about this for a month. I thought I was ok with it but now I don't know how to handle it. I have been crying all day when my husband isn't around.


Did you let him know how you were feeling today?. If you gave him the impression that you were ok with it, how can he make an informed decision on how to proceed. Are his friends trustworthy?

Other than this particular issue, how was the affair dealt with? Counselling? Rugswept? Consequences?


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## mn374

Araucaria said:


> Personally, I don't believe a married man should be going out with his friends, then to a barbecue, and carousing at bars without his wife.
> 
> If my husband did that, I'd ask him to pack his bags before he left and find somewhere else to live if he wants to act like a wild and crazy single guy.
> 
> As a married couple we do things together in the evenings. We go to barbecues together, or go out to eat together. Many times other couples are involved. He is not "locked up" as you said about your husband.
> 
> I'm serious.
> 
> Your husband needs to grow up.


My husband doesn't go out alone often. After he cheated he didn't go out alone with friends for 8 months. He rarely goes to bars, 3-5 times in the last few years. The situation is that that they are doing a guys weekend and I had plans for this weekend anyway. The kids and I are visiting his parents, and he is doing this...


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## mn374

UpsideDownWorld11 said:


> Better question is why your husband who knows how triggering this is for you has such little empathy? If he is still hell bent acting as a single person does, this could be a recurring thing. People tend to suck at changing.


He does have empathy, I told him to go... There has been many times that I couldn't handle letting him go and he cancelled. It has been 13 months, when am I supposed to be able to trust him? I'm terrified of it happening again, even though he swears it won't.


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## mn374

Araucaria said:


> He shouldn't have been carousing 13 months ago in the first place. However since he cheated, his carousing and "single guy life" should be permanently gone.
> 
> Have you told him how you feel?
> 
> If he cheats again, so much as flirts, kisses a woman, or grabs a woman at a bar, he needs to know that you will be divorcing him immediately. And you will need to stick to your guns.
> 
> He doesn't respect you or your marriage wanting to put himself in the same situation where he cheated the first time, and causing you to have to relive the adultery.
> 
> For the rest of his life he should be doing whatever he can to protect the marriage, and protect you from his selfish and irresponsible actions.


He and his friends are doing a guys weekend, and I had other plans with the kids, which is why I'm not there. Some of his friends are single, some are not. He does know how I feel, but I did tell him to go... He knows that I am worried sick. He says I have to trust him at some point... When is that time supposed to be? I just want to be with him. It's made even harder because I am away for the weekend, with his parents. The thoughts of him bringing someone into our home drive me crazy...


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## mn374

chillymorn69 said:


> You might come to the conclusion that you are really not able to forgive his affair.
> 
> What kind of marriage would that be ...always fearing that he will cheat again.
> 
> Yuck.


I don't want to always fear that he will cheat again  At some point it has to end... We were doing well. I was stopped worrying when he went to the store, or if he went out with a male friend. This is bringing up too much


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## mn374

OnTheFly said:


> Did you let him know how you were feeling today?. If you gave him the impression that you were ok with it, how can he make an informed decision on how to proceed. Are his friends trustworthy?
> 
> Other than this particular issue, how was the affair dealt with? Counselling? Rugswept? Consequences?


I let him know that I was worried, but still told him to go... I need to learn that I can trust him...  I shouldn't have to learn to trust my husband... I can't blame him for going when I told him it was okay to go. I am not home now, and he's going tomorrow. I left with his parents for a weekend vacation with our kids. I just want to see him and talk to him. This is so much harder because I'm away. 

His friends have been good to me. The one who pushed my husband to tell me was a man who cheated on his wife a few years prior. He and his wife worked it out (he had a ONS, which is basically what my husband did). He has probably been the most supportive person in my corner, but he's a cheater himself... So how trustworthy is that really. His other friends are trustworthy, I think. They have all been on my side throughout this, not my husbands. 

We have gone to counselling in the past.


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## UpsideDownWorld11

A married person hitting bars up late at night while intoxicated, surrounding by intoxicated single or otherwise unattached people is a recipe for disaster. That's why most married men lose contact with their single buddies when they get married. Too much room for error. That and they know their wife would rip their balls off if they entertained such thoughts of going out to bars without her c-blocking. 

Your obviously not OK with it and rightfully so...just depends on where you draw your line and whether it's a firm line and not a moveable one. Like if it happens again, does he know you will leave or does he know you will stay?


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## sokillme

mn374 said:


> He and his friends are doing a guys weekend, and I had other plans with the kids, which is why I'm not there. Some of his friends are single, some are not. He does know how I feel, but I did tell him to go... He knows that I am worried sick. He says I have to trust him at some point... When is that time supposed to be? I just want to be with him. It's made even harder because I am away for the weekend, with his parents. The thoughts of him bringing someone into our home drive me crazy...


I think this is completely understandable. It's a little over a year and you may always feel this way. You have decided to choose a path that is probably going to be like that. I am married, I haven't done a guys weekend let alone one with single guys in 10 years. I have gone out to dinner with my guy friends and I do that once a month. Generally when you get married you forgo doing things that you would like when you were single. 

Is a guys weekend inherently bad? No. I'm sure I could do one and never even think about cheating. But that is me, your husband has already cheated. *What were the circumstances? How old is your husband? Do you have kids? * Also I would not make it a regular thing because I don't think it's a good idea for me to be around a bunch of single people, I am marriage and past that part of my life. I am older and have no desire to do that, I specifically did that kind of thing because I was looking for a mate. 

Anyway I am not sure what to tell you, trust is earned. He hasn't earned it but lost it. It's possible eventually the pain of being with him will become so bad it will not be worth the joy, at that point you won't want to stay with him. People like your husband just plain suck to be married to. They just do. One day you may feel the same way. 

I tell you one thing I wouldn't want my wife worried sick about anything. My primary role is to take care of her, in this case I don't think you are being unreasonable, so I would have to try to avoid stuff that made you worry so much. Especially if I had already ****ed up and broke her heart.

Just saying there are different kinds of men out there, you don't have to settle.


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## TJW

Trust ????

I want to say something about trust. There are two people you can trust. Yourself, and God. Anybody else? Fuhgedaboudit.

If you are going to continue your marriage, then you must trust YOURSELF that if your husband cheats again, you will continue to live, with the help of God, who is 100% trustworthy. 

Recognize that you do not NEED your husband. You may want to have your husband, and want to be his wife, but you will not die if you aren't, and you will not die if he does not change into a trustworthy man.


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## BruceBanner

It might be time to gain the advantage and blindside him with divorce. I doubt he'll change his ways and what his friends said about watching him is hilarious considering they are likely enablers who egg him on.


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## sunsetmist

Situations do not CAUSE cheating--low and/or lack of morals do. One must make a decision how they wish to conduct their life BEFORE the situation arises. You MUST talk openly. You encouraged and he took you at your word. Your fear and pain are almost palpable--bet you are having physical symptoms. Do NOT let him push you into agreeing to something with which you are uncomfortable. 

The fear of bringing someone into your home--a repeat? I'm thinking more counseling would be productive. As others have said drinking and all that goes with it create a dangerous environment. Is his lack of maturity a concern? Wondering if his parents know how you are feeling? Will he be checking in and doing ALL the things WS must do to reassure their partner?


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## sunsetmist

As Araucaria said: For the rest of his life he should be doing whatever he can to protect the marriage, and protect you from his selfish and irresponsible actions.

Will your worry change what happens? NO. Better to learn now if he will choose to be a faithful spouse deserving of you or if he chooses another wayward path.


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## mn374

*New here - struggling with infidelity*



mn374 said:


> Hi, I'm new here. I am hoping that joining this site will help me deal with the infidelity in my marriage. I am really struggling with coping right now.
> 
> My husband cheated on me 13 months ago. Tomorrow is the first time that he will be going out alone, in the same situation that the cheating happened. He is going out with his friends, then a bbq at a friend's house, then downtown (bars). This is the exact same situation that led him to cheat...
> 
> I know that I cannot keep him locked up forever, and I have known about this day for a month. I have been balling all day. 3 of my hubby's friends have tried to assure me over and over that they will be there and watching him for me. I know that I cannot keep him under my eye forever. At some point I have to trust him.
> 
> I am unable to go and have known about this for a month. I thought I was ok with it but now I don't know how to handle it. I have been crying all day when my husband isn't around. How can I be ok with this and get through it?


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## mn374

sunsetmist said:


> Situations do not CAUSE cheating--low and/or lack of morals do. One must make a decision how they wish to conduct their life BEFORE the situation arises. You MUST talk openly. You encouraged and he took you at your word. Your fear and pain are almost palpable--bet you are having physical symptoms. Do NOT let him push you into agreeing to something with which you are uncomfortable.
> 
> The fear of bringing someone into your home--a repeat? I'm thinking more counseling would be productive. As others have said drinking and all that goes with it create a dangerous environment. Is his lack of maturity a concern? Wondering if his parents know how you are feeling? Will he be checking in and doing ALL the things WS must do to reassure their partner?


I was an idiot for choosing my husband... He had cheated in every relationship that he had been in, except the one previous to ours. He said he changed and wasn't that person anymore. His relationship before ours was 4 years and she cheated on him in the end. I've talked to her, so I know the story is true. Why could he be faithful to her, a cheater, but not me...

He hasn't cheated in our home. When he cheated it was elsewhere, but I was home that time. I'm not home this time and I'm hours away. I don't feel like his is immature, but others might disagree with me... When he cheated he had been drinking a lot. He thought about doing it before drinking, the tequila just gave him the balls to do it....  His parents know to an extent. They know that he cheated, I told them a few month ago... They know he is going out tomorrow and that I'm upset but they don't know the full scope of it. They don't think he should be going to any bars. He is supposed to check in with me but sucks at it... He gets preoccupied when he's with friends (or doing anything really...) and doesn't notice my texts. I texted and called him once him last night at 10pm and it's 3:30am and he still hasn't texted or called back. He's supposed to be at home... He's probably just sleeping and left his phone somewhere else or on silent, but I can't help but worry...


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## mn374

BruceBanner said:


> It might be time to gain the advantage and blindside him with divorce. I doubt he'll change his ways and what his friends said about watching him is hilarious considering they are likely enablers who egg him on.


I don't want a divorce...  If I was going to divorce him it should have been done a year ago not now... He's my husband and my kids father/step father. He has only cheated once, on me, is it impossible for him to change... His friends didn't support our relationship when we started dating. They thought HE could do better...  that was a long time ago, and they have changed. But it's in the back of my head. One of his friends is probably the only reason I know about it. I don't know...


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## mn374

UpsideDownWorld11 said:


> A married person hitting bars up late at night while intoxicated, surrounding by intoxicated single or otherwise unattached people is a recipe for disaster. That's why most married men lose contact with their single buddies when they get married. Too much room for error. That and they know their wife would rip their balls off if they entertained such thoughts of going out to bars without her c-blocking.
> 
> Your obviously not OK with it and rightfully so...just depends on where you draw your line and whether it's a firm line and not a moveable one. Like if it happens again, does he know you will leave or does he know you will stay?


He doesn't go to bars often at all, only the odd time with his friends. Some of his friends are single and go regularly. I still don't like it though... He doesn't wear a ring and I hate that, especially when he's out... He could have done better than me... He wanted someone who felt safe after his ex cheated on him a handful of times. He's not unattracted to me, but I don't know when the last time I heard a compliment from him was. 

I don't know what I would do if he cheated again...  he knows how to push boundaries...


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## mn374

sokillme said:


> I think this is completely understandable. It's a little over a year and you may always feel this way. You have decided to choose a path that is probably going to be like that. I am married, I haven't done a guys weekend let alone one with single guys in 10 years. I have gone out to dinner with my guy friends and I do that once a month. Generally when you get married you forgo doing things that you would like when you were single.
> 
> Is a guys weekend inherently bad? No. I'm sure I could do one and never even think about cheating. But that is me, your husband has already cheated. *What were the circumstances? How old is your husband? Do you have kids? * Also I would not make it a regular thing because I don't think it's a good idea for me to be around a bunch of single people, I am marriage and past that part of my life. I am older and have no desire to do that, I specifically did that kind of thing because I was looking for a mate.
> 
> Anyway I am not sure what to tell you, trust is earned. He hasn't earned it but lost it. It's possible eventually the pain of being with him will become so bad it will not be worth the joy, at that point you won't want to stay with him. People like your husband just plain suck to be married to. They just do. One day you may feel the same way.
> 
> I tell you one thing I wouldn't want my wife worried sick about anything. My primary role is to take care of her, in this case I don't think you are being unreasonable, so I would have to try to avoid stuff that made you worry so much. Especially if I had already ****ed up and broke her heart.
> 
> Just saying there are different kinds of men out there, you don't have to settle.


None of his married friends have stopped being friends with the single ones, or totally stopped going out with them. They slowed down, same as my hubby, but haven't stopped... I didn't know most married men don't... 

He had a one night stand with a random person (his buddy had a girlfriend at the time, she brought a friend, who brought a friend - who my husband slept with...  ). He met her earlier in the day, they talked and flirted, went to a bar and drank, flirted... You get the idea. He slept with her and stayed out all night because he fell asleep after. So he spent the night with her...

My husband is 30 (I'm 27). We have 5 children. 3 are shared (5, 3, 1.5) and he is a step-father to two (10, 12). 

I want him to care more...  He knows that I worry and he doesn't like that but he doesn't really try to stop it anymore. He knows I'm not going anywhere... If there are other types of men out there I will never have experience with it. I'm not an idiot, this marriage and him is as good as I can get (for at least the next 20 years).


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## Spicy

Araucaria said:


> He shouldn't have been carousing 13 months ago in the first place. However since he cheated, his carousing and "single guy life" should be permanently gone.
> 
> Have you told him how you feel?
> 
> If he cheats again, so much as flirts, kisses a woman, or grabs a woman at a bar, he needs to know that you will be divorcing him immediately. And you will need to stick to your guns.
> 
> He doesn't respect you or your marriage wanting to put himself in the same situation where he cheated the first time, and causing you to have to relive the adultery.
> 
> For the rest of his life he should be doing whatever he can to protect the marriage, and protect you from his selfish and irresponsible actions.



:iagree::iagree::iagree: QFT!!!!!


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## Adelais

mn374 said:


> I let him know that I was worried, but still told him to go... I need to learn that I can trust him...  I shouldn't have to learn to trust my husband... I can't blame him for going when I told him it was okay to go. I am not home now, and he's going tomorrow.* I left with his parents for a weekend vacation with our kids. I just want to see him and talk to him. *This is so much harder because I'm away.
> 
> His friends have been good to me. T*he one who pushed my husband to tell me was a man who cheated on his wife a few years prior. He and his wife worked it out (he had a ONS, which is basically what my husband did). He has probably been the most supportive person in my corner, but he's a cheater himself.*.. So how trustworthy is that really. His other friends are trustworthy, I think. They have all been on my side throughout this, not my husbands.
> 
> We have gone to counselling in the past.


I believe you are operating out of fear. You have had a child to care for since you were 15 and now at 27 you have 5. Do you have a career? Could you support yourself and your 5 children if you divorce. You also speak of his friends thinking he could have chosen a better partner, as if you have little value.

You need to find your own value. You think you came to your relationship with "baggage." Not blessing, but baggage. But you are also a valuable person in your own right. You need to discover that value, and not rate yourself on what other (selfish, shallow and materialistic) people value.

Speak with a lawyer to find out your rights if you were to divorce. I'm not saying divorce him, just find out your rights, and financial situation, so you will get rid of some of your fear of losing him.

After my husband's affair and even though we reconciled, I still felt very insecure and dependent, because I had 4 children I was homeschooling and even though I had 2 advanced degrees I hadn't worked for an income for 22 years. 

I can say that some of that fear of divorce immediately went away after I spoke with a lawyer and learned how the courts would treat me and our children. I would have to go to work 40 hours, but he would have to pay me alimony for 1/2 the years we've been married as well as child support since the children would spend most of the time with me because of the nature of his job. Life would be hard, but not impossible. 

Eventually I realized I would actually be much happier with a smaller home that I could actually take care of, than living in a huge home on a huge property that the children and I have to maintain since he was gone all the time working. Even now in reconciliation, we are working toward downsizing so I will be happier. His ego and his big house are not as important to him now as is keeping me as a wife. But I had to be willing to lose him to gain my own happiness. 

Losing the fear gave me confidence to draw some firm boundaries. Some of them didn't have anything to do with women, going out or adultery. Just things that he knew bothered the heck out of me, that mattered, and that I was no longer willing to tolerate. If he kept doing those things, I was going to eventually divorce him and save myself much frustration for the rest of my life. I began to detach, and told him that I was emotionally preparing myself for the inevitable, since he obviously wasn't going to change those things. Well guess what? When he realized I was no longer "in the bag" and that he will lose me if he kept doing those things, he stopped. He didn't want to lose me.

Some people will only change when they have to choose between you and changing. If they think you aren't going anywhere, they could care less if their behaviors and choices make you unhappy.

So your husband's parents know about the affair. That's good. Does he care about their opinions about him any more than he cares about yours? Apparently not.

Personally, I think that cheater friend is not "supportive." He was just covering his azz so he can not have serious issues with you. What kind of person does a horrible thing like cheating, gets the chance to recover from it, and then encourages someone else to do the same thing?? An entitled person, that's who. He figured you'd get over it just like his own wife did.

That friend of his should have become an "ex" friend as soon as you found out that he was part of the affair. In fact every friend who was involved with the affair, knew about it, helped set it up, etc. needs to be on the "enemies of the marriage" list and distanced from. That is the consequence of having an affair. It hurts the WS and also any people who don't help the WS guard his marriage.

That is the general advice given here. Your husband should not only not be going out to bars again, but definitely not with the same people who instigated the last affair.

Everything is wrong with this situation. That is why you are so upset about it. It was not dealt with properly way back after the first affair happened.

I'm sorry I come across as harsh, however I also suffered from the upheaval caused by adultery and I read a lot of advice here, and my marriage is much more affair proof. My husband avoids everything he knows of that would entice him to cheat. We wouldn't have learned that had I not read here.

There are lots of books that could also help you.

Love Busters, by Willard Harley

Surviving an Affair

His Needs Her Needs, by Willard Harley

After the Affair

I hope he doesn't cheat this weekend.


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## sunsetmist

"I was an idiot for choosing my husband... He had cheated in every relationship that he had been in, except the one previous to ours."


"I'm not an idiot, this marriage and him is as good as I can get (for at least the next 20 years). Etc."


What sad statements. You know you married a cheater and yet you feel 'less than'? I'm thinking you would benefit from counseling and working on your self-confidence/self-image. Your responsibilities are great, but so is your example to your children. Let us know......


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## sokillme

mn374 said:


> None of his married friends have stopped being friends with the single ones, or totally stopped going out with them. They slowed down, same as my hubby, but haven't stopped... I didn't know most married men don't...
> 
> He had a one night stand with a random person (his buddy had a girlfriend at the time, she brought a friend, who brought a friend - who my husband slept with...  ). He met her earlier in the day, they talked and flirted, went to a bar and drank, flirted... You get the idea. He slept with her and stayed out all night because he fell asleep after. So he spent the night with her...
> 
> My husband is 30 (I'm 27). We have 5 children. 3 are shared (5, 3, 1.5) and he is a step-father to two (10, 12).
> 
> I want him to care more...  He knows that I worry and he doesn't like that but he doesn't really try to stop it anymore. He knows I'm not going anywhere... If there are other types of men out there I will never have experience with it. I'm not an idiot, this marriage and him is as good as I can get (for at least the next 20 years).


Why are you not out with them if some random women are. I hope you are not home babysitting?!!


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## mn374

I make decisions that are best for my family. They might be fear based sometimes, but they are for my family. He is the only father my kids have. My 10 year olds father FaceTime's her a couple times a month and sees her 1-3 times a year. He lives in another country. My husband is who she, and my 12 year old see as their dad. 

I am not working, my husband is the sole provider. Daycare for our kids would cost more than I'd bring in. That does add to the fear and what if's. I finished high school 2 years late, and have my bachelors. I have slowly been chipping away at a grad degree, but very slowly and no where near done. I wouldn't be able to afford daycare, let alone living expenses. I know my husband would have to pay child support, to some degree, but I don't want to live like that... Being divorced but still supported by my husband. We have a prenup agreement that my father-in-law encouraged my husband to set up. He's a divorce attorney.

I love my husband, I am not with him just because I couldn't afford to be without him. 

He didn't go out to the bars after the bbq. He said he went home, and texted me at midnight saying he was home and going to bed. Then didn't text anymore. I still have a hard time trusting that he didn't go... How long does it take to trust him again? I don't want to live like this. He has been acting sweeter yesterday and today. And that should make me happy, but I question motives.


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## Chaparral

When people show you who they are believe them. Especially when they keep showing you the same behavior.


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## Rick Blaine

Barbecues are okay, bars are not. Sounds like his friends and he don't care about boundaries. As others have posted, time for him to grow up.


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## Blaine

Hello mn374 Sorry for what ur going thru. So am I the only one with warning lights going off? He cheated in EVERY relationship except the one that she cheated on him? He goes to bars with men only, no wives and some of them are single? I always thought a guys day was golfing or playing cards and drinking at someone's house. He is missing a trip to HIS parents? He doesn't wear his ring? Then we get to the part where u think he settled for u and he has a prenup. My only advice is to get thru school asap and no more kids. I know this isnt what u want to hear. I usually tell friends if you take a cheater back they just learned that they may have to go thru hell but they can get away with it. BTW dont be surprised if 1 of his friends tries to seduce u. Good luck


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