# Married men why do you cheat



## gingerbell (Feb 13, 2012)

Why do you cheat on the one you love???


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

You know this isn't a gender specific question right? There are more betrayed husbands here than there are betrayed wives. 

Anyway. Me - I cheated because someone blew in my ear in just the right way in an environment (online) where my boundaries were weak enough to let it happen. I liked it - she blew my skirt up and in that online environment it felt like a video game. Once I realized there was a real woman on the other end I was already involved in something illicit. 

I was happily married to a wonderful woman the day my affair started - fortunately I still am 18 months after she learned of my affair. 

"Why" is perpetual question here and most of the time there really isn't a firm answer. Sometimes it's just hard to explain stupid.


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## Mistys dad (Dec 2, 2011)

I don't.

Your welcome.


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## sameold55 (Feb 13, 2012)

I am a faithful husband of 26 years who was cheated on 3 times. My divorce will be final in one week. I am still faithful to my wife today, and will be until the judge says we are no longer married.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

I'm very sorry that you were hurt.

Some choose to cheat simply because they can.

Some cheat because their needs aren't being met.

Some cheat because they feel taken for granted and emotionally abandoned.

Bottom line, many people cheat of either gender, because something is fundamentally missing from their relationship.

Love, communication, sex, respect, fun, spontaneity, investment, attraction ... whatever.

None of which are a valid excuse ... but people use them all the time. Husbands and wives, both.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

sigma1299 said:


> You know this isn't a gender specific question right? There are more betrayed husbands here than there are betrayed wives.
> 
> *Anyway. Me - I cheated because someone blew in my ear in just the right way in an environment (online) where my boundaries were weak enough to let it happen. I liked it - she blew my skirt up and in that online environment it felt like a video game. Once I realized there was a real woman on the other end I was already involved in something illicit.
> *
> ...


This absolutely terrifies me...it's completely out of my (or anyone's) control...this is what I mean when I say you just have to hope for the best. Of course, having clear boundaries helps, but in no way are boundaries foolproof. Rules were made to be broken, as the saying goes.


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## CruxAve (Dec 30, 2011)

Why do married women cheat?


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

This thread is so out of place considering there is a forum called 'Coping with infidelity'. Just saying.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

My bad Trenton. I take it then that this is the forum is where the cheating husbands come to hide and the CWI forum is where the betrayed husbands - more than betrayed wives -go to lick their wounds. I won't make the same error twice.


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## mikeydread1982 (Oct 7, 2011)

Because it is fun to hear other women screaming your name as they orgasm rather than hearing your wife say she doesn't like being on top because of body issues. Like I care that your boobs droop a little, you had my kid, it was quite fine.


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## Thewife (Sep 3, 2007)

Deejo said:


> I'm very sorry that you were hurt.
> 
> Some choose to cheat simply because they can.


Totally agree, I have seen some real life experiences of my H's friends who did this to their Wives just because they CAN.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

gingerbell said:


> Why do you cheat on the one you love???


People cheat because they choose to.


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## Havesomethingtosay (Nov 1, 2011)

mikeydread1982 said:


> Because it is fun to hear other women screaming your name as they orgasm rather than hearing your wife say she doesn't like being on top because of body issues. Like I care that your boobs droop a little, you had my kid, it was quite fine.


Why do people ask these questions over and over???? Usually only about one thing...... Sex and being wanted...... 

Women will maybe add emotional and feeling wanted.

Only ones who say otherwise are who I call serial cheaters and narcissists and their reason is "Because they can".......


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Havesomethingtosay said:


> Why do people ask these questions over and over????


Because they want answers and are trying to make sense of everything that happened.


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

Even though the question is a bit sexist I will have a go. 

I believe it is about our attitude towards risk. If we assume that men have evolved to want to spread their genes we can leave reward aside.

The desire to have sex with others will be a more or less constant factor in a man's life, but the sub-conscious risk/reward calculation may change due to various factors such as: testosterone levels; marital contentment; and social/financial status.

So, he is unfaithful because...

- he is too much of a risk taker 
- he doesn't value what he has
- he doesn't think he will get caught
- he thinks that even if he gets caught he won't lose what he has

So, it all boils down to risk in my opinion, and testosterone is known to affect our attitude towards risk. 

Before I get attacked for appearing to justify infidelity I am not. Trying to understand something is not the same as justifying it.


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## Havesomethingtosay (Nov 1, 2011)

johnnycomelately said:


> Even though the question is a bit sexist I will have a go.
> 
> I believe it is about our attitude towards risk. If we assume that men have evolved to want to spread their genes we can leave reward aside.
> 
> ...


So obviously I don't have enough testosterone, because the only reason I see why people cheat is sex (or spouse has grown unattractive being shallow as I am).....


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## Thewife (Sep 3, 2007)

Havesomethingtosay said:


> Why do people ask these questions over and over???? Usually only about one thing...... Sex and being wanted......
> 
> Women will maybe add emotional and feeling wanted.
> 
> Only ones who say otherwise are who I call serial cheaters and narcissists and their reason is "Because they can".......


I don't know if you are personally offended by "because they can" but I speak from what I see in real life. 

What can I conclude if a group of married men are posted to work in a developing country for a year where their fellow female colleagues (younger and prettier than their wives) are so ready for anything for the money. They all cheated on their wives some even married them and left their families with shock and children in deep ****. Should I conclude this as for sex or not being wanted? Both will not be correct because their wives (most of them) were so devoted and these men get to come home at least twice a month for a few days. So how to explain not 1 or 2 but close to dozen of cheaters cheating their wives? I can only say "they did because they had the money and they thought their wives will never know" In sum, they CAN. 

Sorry I was deeply affected by the trouble these families need to suffer esp the children.


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## sirdano (Dec 30, 2011)

I never did and was cheated and don't beleive eye for an eye. I think some think the grass in greener else were or want to take the easy path when something difficult happens in their life instead of working on the issues at home. This applies to both male and female cheaters

But I also beleive it take two to tango. Some one's needs are not being meet at home so they look for it else were.

And the ones that enable the cheater are no better. The have no moral respect for marrage.


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## NaturalHeart (Nov 13, 2011)

sameold55 said:


> I am a faithful husband of 26 years who was cheated on 3 times. My divorce will be final in one week. I am still faithful to my wife today, and will be until the judge says we are no longer married.


 

AWWWWWWWW I'm sorry but thank you for that


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Perhaps the question should be changed from "Married men why *do* you cheat?" to "Married men why *did* you cheat?". Just sayin'.


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## Early Grayce (Jan 19, 2012)

Because it's our primal instinct, it's in our genes. See; Adam & Eve.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I don't think the question was sexist. She simply asked why men cheat. She didn't say women don't cheat. Geesus. She had a husband that cheated, not a wife.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Early Grayce said:


> Because it's our primal instinct, it's in our genes. See; Adam & Eve.


So you don't have a brain to think?


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## Early Grayce (Jan 19, 2012)

that_girl said:


> So you don't have a brain to think?


Yes I do and therein lies the problem.


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## visitor2 (Feb 25, 2012)

My guess is that the type of men who cheat are self-centered narcissists -- which is similar to women who cheat. I definitely think there is a type of guy who cheats. The ones who do are a little more flaky, impulsive, tend to play fast and loose with the truth. Paradoxically, this type of smooth manipulative personality plays well with women.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

visitor2 said:


> My guess is that the type of men who cheat are self-centered narcissists -- which is similar to women who cheat. I definitely think there is a type of guy who cheats. The ones who do are a little more flaky, impulsive, tend to play fast and loose with the truth. Paradoxically, this type of smooth manipulative personality plays well with women.


I think that's a gross over generalization. You need to read some more here about cheating spouses.


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## Havesomethingtosay (Nov 1, 2011)

Funny (or maybe expected) that there are absolutely no cheaters who post on TAM, outside to say their mea culpas. 

Maybe one will show up to tell us why? Mr_confused will say it is because he was subjected to a unilateral sexless marriage, and women generally will say their husbands were emotionally unavailable or didn't listen at all. That's about it......


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## Early Grayce (Jan 19, 2012)

sigma1299 said:


> I think that's a gross over generalization. You need to read some more here about cheating spouses.


Very well spoken Sigma. Every man cheats mentally or physically, it's the way we're programmed. Sexually we behave just like animals in the wild in many respects.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Havesomethingtosay said:


> Funny (or maybe expected) that there are absolutely no cheaters who post on TAM, outside to say their mea culpas.
> 
> Maybe one will show up to tell us why? Mr_confused will say it is because he was subjected to a unilateral sexless marriage, and women generally will say their husbands were emotionally unavailable or didn't listen at all. That's about it......


I don't understand this statement. I've talked prolifically about my experience, my affair and everything I know and understand about it. Have also talked about regret, remorse and guilt? You bet, it's part of the deal. Some other cheaters here, certainly not all but some, have done the same or more than I.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Early Grayce said:


> Very well spoken Sigma. Every man cheats mentally or physically, it's the way we're programmed. Sexually we behave just like animals in the wild in many respects.


So do you mean to say that admiring a woman walking down the beach in a bikini is cheating, or equivalent to an affair? I have to believe I'm misinterpreting because the two aren't even in the same universe.


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## visitor2 (Feb 25, 2012)

sigma1299 said:


> I think that's a gross over generalization. You need to read some more here about cheating spouses.


There might be some exceptions but that's my personal experience knowing guys who cheat. All of them fit that profile.


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## mr_confused (Oct 14, 2011)

Oh, I wanna answer...pick me pick me...

I cheated because I wanted to feel wanted. I wanted to feel the touch of a persons skin, I wanted to have sex again before I died, I did not want to be celibate. I wanted a woman to connect with, I wanted to talk about things like my aspirations, fears, ambitions, things that happened in my day, what troubled me. I wanted to have a relationship with a person.

I know, how shallow.....

A better question for me, and probably many others, is why didn't you divorce rather than cheat? I can answer that separately so I don't thread jack.

There is often a misconception that men cheat for shallow reasons. Mmmm, not so sure...and this may be harder to handle for betrayed spouses (and I certainly don't want to upset anyone) but often I believe people are cheating for genuine reasons. I think many are staying married for shallow reasons - namely money, fear of change, the issues they'd rather not face, etc.. The marriage is done, not respected, valued, etc. (else this would not happen)- it merely exists legally.

As always, odd man out here, but I'll toss is out for consideration - and you can guess based on your own experiences. Between 0-100%, what percent of marriage were already toast and the infidelity exposed and killed it versus the number that were great and some random affair destroyed something wonderful?

I'm not asking whether the betrayed thought is was toast, but the one cheating. The question to me is not, why did someone betray another, the question is why didn't you come forward, be honest, and dissolve this marriage before seeking comfort elsewhere...

Cheating is wrong - but many are weak, cowards, whatever label you want - but they checked out long before the affair happened. They didn't want to preserve the marriage and have side action. They wanted to preserve the peripheral benefits of marriage while fulfilling the needs elsewhere - and it's usually not sex. Sex is the conduit to what they really wanted, which was to feel desired, wanted, needed, valued, and of course physically/sexually needed.

If it is truly a great marriage and someone cheats solely as a cake eating narcissist, I call them just fools. Anyone that really values their marriage and cheats is just an idiot. I honestly believe this scenario is more rare than people believe.

Just the sole opinion of someone whose done it....take it for what it's worth.


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## Havesomethingtosay (Nov 1, 2011)

mr_confused said:


> Oh, I wanna answer...pick me pick me...
> 
> I cheated because I wanted to feel wanted. I wanted to feel the touch of a persons skin, I wanted to have sex again before I died, I did not want to be celibate. I wanted a woman to connect with, I wanted to talk about things like my aspirations, fears, ambitions, things that happened in my day, what troubled me. I wanted to have a relationship with a person.
> 
> ...


C'mon, all that I highlighted is all rolled into one thing.... SEX.... Your wife did none of those things and you found someone, probably by accident who gave you that. Not judging at all. Just saying you prove my point. If you got that at home, you wouldn't be in this predicament.

But you are really a wonderful writer and I enjoy your posts and self flagellation.


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## mr_confused (Oct 14, 2011)

Havesomethingtosay said:


> C'mon, all that I highlighted is all rolled into one thing.... SEX.... Your wife did none of those things and you found someone, probably by accident who gave you that. Not judging at all. Just saying you prove my point. If you got that at home, you wouldn't be in this predicament.
> 
> But you are really a wonderful writer and I enjoy your posts and self flagellation.


The issues is that you are viewing sex and the item being specifically desired, what I am saying is that sex is the culmination of a more meaningful underlying relationship.

Sex in and of itself is solely masturbation using and body instead of you hand. 

You are an intelligent person and surely recognize that we are more complex than this being solely the act of inserting ourselves into a warm object. Beneath the act, there are emotions, chemical and hormonal reactions, it's two people connecting, good sex is predicated on desire, passion, emotion, and ideally love. There is more at play than something warm, wet, and willing.

If it were so simple, and I certainly have the means, I could afford myself a variety of random escorts assuring the variety of warm wet object you presume to be the motive. I have chose to remain exclusive to one woman simply for the mere fact were have an established emotional connection. I have in fact not slept with anyone else since my affair began, 3 years ago, nor am I interested or willing to entertain the idea of sleeping with another....And the nature of our relationship, as an affair, is spotty at best. I surely desire more sex than we have but would never stray and I certainly have ample opportunities, why is that?

While we men are akin to dogs in many facets, you underestimate the underlying motives. A man will stray often if they feel unwanted, belittled, emasculated - sex may be the avenue to recover this sense of worth & value - but it is not merely the act of intercourse they desire but the associated ingredients. 

I will tell you for me, it is not the absence of sex in my marriage that is the core issue - the sex would come naturally if the prerequisite conditions or love, mutual interest, empathy, and desire existed. I would certainly have been frustrated in my marriage if I remained sexless, but I never went to my wife and said - I'm sad cause we don't f*ck. I told her I am depressed because I feel my love is not reciprocated, I want to be desired by you, I want to touch and be touched, I want to feel that you are genuinely interested in me as a person inclusive of my intimacy wants and needs. I don't think any amount of sex, or frequency of blow job could bridge the gap of missing these things.

It's always easier to dismiss things based on what the surface reveals, but if your objective is to truly understand, being open to this concept will likely leave you better understanding the male psyche. I'm not saying we are of the same emotional complexity as women, but do think you are failing to understand the motives, and I'd venture to say many men don't as well. Most men, because we are taught early to shelter emotion, don't even understand their own wants and needs.

I can't speak for the gender in total, but I can tell you for myself, it's more than sex, a lot more and I'd be much more content with a woman that loved me but refused sex than a being given shallow sex regularly by someone that neither knew or loved me - unfortunately I have neither sex nor love in my marriage.

But in summary, you are right - if I got "that" at home, I would not have had an affair - but the "that" was not just sex.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Mr_confused said it well for me, as well. Would I have cheated if I was in a healthy intimate marriage? I'm reasonably confident I wouldn't have. I tried repeatedly to work on that aspect of our marriage with my wife, but saw things decline rather than improve. And stupidly (and selfishly) I thought if I could fill that missing part of my life with something else, I could hold on until the kids were out of the house. But I lasted for about 6 weeks before I decided that I needed to end the marriage.

Any other questions? I'm not proud of what I've done, and really with I'd done things properly and left my marriage before I cheated. But I don't rip myself apart over it. Just as I made a conscious decision to seek out someone else, my STBXW made a decision years before that to shut down our sex life and refuse to work on it. That would be (to me) the "love" part of our wedding vows. Without that part of our relationship, we ended up as roommates.

And yes, this can all be written off as rationalizing my actions. Oddly enough, similarly to a spouse who shuts down sexually might justify their actions...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I agree that many cheat simply because they can. And I'll add that it's just easy.

My ex had no problem finding women to cheat with. He is a pretty average looking guy, intellegent with a good humor. A med student and then resident. There were no shortage of women willing to ignore that he was married with a child. He was certainly willing to ignore it.

There are just a lot of people who are selfish and do not care about others.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

mr_confused said:


> Oh, I wanna answer...pick me pick me...
> 
> I cheated because I wanted to feel wanted. I wanted to feel the touch of a persons skin, I wanted to have sex again before I died, I did not want to be celibate. I wanted a woman to connect with, I wanted to talk about things like my aspirations, fears, ambitions, things that happened in my day, what troubled me. I wanted to have a relationship with a person.
> 
> ...


There are many reasons why someone cheats. I can understand your reason. If your wife refused sex with you, she was being emotionally abusive to you.

But there are many who cheat who do not have the problems you did. There are many who have a very active sex life at home and a spouse who is more than willing to engage sexuallyi and emotionally.


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## Havesomethingtosay (Nov 1, 2011)

Ok Mr_confused, I accept what you are saying, but I continue to say that for the majority of males (save the narcissists & serial heaters), all you are conveying, and very well I might add, is that we agree and that sex is the cherry on the Sundae of a healthy, happy marriage. For some sex is more like the whip cream or toppings or the ice cream. We all place it at a different level of importance in the overall.

If you have a happy, healthy, sexual marriage (and usually it does not require loads of kinky, wild sex), then there is very little cheating that occurs imo.

There is another thread where a man went to an escort after 10 years in a sexless marriage and stated how alive he felt and wished that feeling, even if just rarely with his wife who declared sex was over and there would be no discussion. For him divorce was not an option (though kids were grown), and he loved all other aspects of his marriage and is wife.


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## mr_confused (Oct 14, 2011)

Havesomethingtosay said:


> Ok Mr_confused, I accept what you are saying, but I continue to say that for the majority of males (save the narcissists & serial heaters), all you are conveying, and very well I might add, is that we agree and that sex is the cherry on the Sundae of a healthy, happy marriage. For some sex is more like the whip cream or toppings or the ice cream. We all place it at a different level of importance in the overall.
> 
> If you have a happy, healthy, sexual marriage (and usually it does not require loads of kinky, wild sex), then there is very little cheating that occurs imo.
> 
> There is another thread where a man went to an escort after 10 years in a sexless marriage and stated how alive he felt and wished that feeling, even if just rarely with his wife who declared sex was over and there would be no discussion. For him divorce was not an option (though kids were grown), and he loved all other aspects of his marriage and is wife.


I understand, and this is something I don't get - risking an otherwise wonderful - which seems increasingly rare - relationship purely for physical sex. I can independently address my physical needs  - granted not as fun - but finding love is hard - seems foolish to risk for a brief moment of pleasure. Makes no sense to me. Maybe someone that has done this can explain.


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## Havesomethingtosay (Nov 1, 2011)

mr_confused said:


> I understand, and this is something I don't get - risking an otherwise wonderful - which seems increasingly rare - relationship purely for physical sex. I can independently address my physical needs  - granted not as fun - but finding love is hard - seems foolish to risk for a brief moment of pleasure. Makes no sense to me. Maybe someone that has done this can explain.


But when one spouse unilaterally and happily cuts off sex (and the rest of the marriage is great), and the spouse has maintained appearances, health and looks, the question remains why???? 

To care so little about something so important to the other spouse (something that is enjoyable and fun I might add), has to be due to some psychological block. 

And then for the other spouse to be so understanding and to acquiesce (as you did for 2-3 years) is also perplexing.


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