# inlaws/second marriage



## serenitycat (Feb 12, 2013)

Hi - I am new and saw this board and thought I might post in case anyone had any thoughts and help for me. Thanks in advance. I am a 56 year old woman and I have been living with my fiance for the past three years and in the relationship for five years. We are both divorced and have adult children. I have always felt a kind of space between us and I wanted to get married. I told him this last year and he initially wasn't for it, but he decided we could get engaged and then he said ok to get married. I feel that it is important to be married if he wants me to interact and be part of the family also. He wants me to attend all the family events with him. He wants me to be happy and he doesn't want to lose me so he agreed. We have told everyone and will be having a wedding. I have always felt a bit insecure about being a girlfriend especially around his family. I'm not sure why I have a hard time interacting with his family, and I feel less than adequate. I am a professional and have friends and family who love me. Next month his daughter is getting married in another state and we will be attending the wedding and other pertinant events. For alot of reasons, and I am trying to work on and analyze myself I am dreading the wedding. I would rather not go and that is probably not a good attitude. Its not as much his daughter as I know she will be busy at the wedding and he will be doing his father things. My fiance saw the invitations and asked his daughter to include me on the invitations with our married name even if it is 2 months before our wedding because his daughter was going to put the exwife and her husbands name on the invitation and the next line just my fiance, he said our feelings would be hurt. She is not close to the step father and he actually broke up the marriage or was part of the cause of the breakup in a way. I love that my fiance thought that I should be included as he already knew that I was feeling left out of the family cause we weren't married. I told him that if we aren't married thats how people think of us. I am insecure in alot of ways and was in an abusive marriage for many years. My fiance is very particular and likes things a certain way, I know this about him and alot of time I try not to let it hurt me , I just know its him not me. Its probably me and not them but how to fix it. His family (siblings) are very into family pictures also and have them up all over the wall, including the pictures with his exwife in them, I feel hurt and bit uncomfortable about it. I dwell too much on these negative thoughts and it is bad for my overall health. How do I turn this around and how can I be ok with this whole event and weekend. I am trying to tell myself that he loves me and wants me to be with him at the event and I am his wife to be.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> *How do I turn this around and how can I be ok with this whole event and weekend*. I am trying to tell myself that he loves me and wants me to be with him at the event and I am his wife to be.


I think you should stop thinking about yourself here. This wedding isn't about you, but your step-daughter to be and her new husband. You are there in a support capacity, first for their marriage, and second for your fiance.

When you return, look into some individual counseling to sort through your insecurities. You should be okay with who you are and where you are in your life, and it doesn't sound like you are. This has nothing to do with your fiance, but all about you not feeling whole. Marriage to your fiance won't make you whole. Confidence comes from within, just like happiness. He is only supposed to add to what you already have not complete you.

If he loves you, treats you with respect, and shares you with his family you've already won. The marriage would/should only be the cherry on top. You have the cake, be content with that.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Are your negative thoughts obsessive?

If so, they are interfering with you having a healthy relationship with your partner. You may have an anxiety disorder. Do you feel the need to "compluse" when you have negative thoughts about your relationship for example get reassurance from your partner that everything is OK?


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## N_chanted (Nov 11, 2012)

well, i disagree a bit with the poster above. 

i know from the experience of being the second wife, that others have said to me "you knew what to expect" or that "i knew what i was getting into".

no, i absolutely did not. As a second wife, there are lots of things that creep in, UNEXPECTED insecurities. it's totally normal. and maybe a support forum would help?

please PM me, and i can give you the name of a couple of really good places to go. 

oh, and you are part of the family!! He included you, and wants you by his side....so smile, and be the RADIANT BRIDE TO BE THAT YOU ARE!!


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

BrokenHearted_kitten said:


> well, i disagree a bit with the poster above.
> 
> i know from the experience of being the second wife, that others have said to me "you knew what to expect" or that "i knew what i was getting into".
> 
> ...


I'm a second wife. In my experience, my husband treated me like I was his wife before we were married and when anyone had anything 'off' to say he squashed it. I was his choice and they just had to deal with it or not see us. So, needless to say, I never had to experience those insecurities. I didn't feel like I had to compete with wife #1. But then I happen to be a pretty self confident person... it wasn't a competition in my mind.


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## serenitycat (Feb 12, 2013)

Alot of times when we are with his family he will start saying stuff like "we sent our kids to this school, we went to this church, we had this wonderful meal here.." and he is talking about him and his ex and I feel wierd cause Im there. His daughters wedding is in his old hometown. I am not very self confident and I am trying to work on that - its true. I also know that its not his first choice to be married to me, that first of all he was very hurt by the divorce and that I had to insist that I wanted to be married to him. He would be fine just living together, but I said if he wants me to be family I would want to be married, otherwise I feel like "just the girlfriend" and I have heard his family use that term. I told him I feel insignificant to his family. I do look good for my age and am slim and trim, I exersize and eat fairly healthly. I can wear my kids clothes and they are in their 20's.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

serenitycat said:


> Alot of times when we are with his family he will start saying stuff like "we sent our kids to this school, we went to this church, we had this wonderful meal here.." and he is talking about him and his ex and I feel wierd cause Im there. His daughters wedding is in his old hometown. I am not very self confident and I am trying to work on that - its true. *I also know that its not his first choice to be married to me, that first of all he was very hurt by the divorce and that I had to insist that I wanted to be married to him.* *He would be fine just living together*, but I said if he wants me to be family I would want to be married, otherwise I feel like "just the girlfriend" and I have heard his family use that term. I told him I feel insignificant to his family. I do look good for my age and am slim and trim, I exersize and eat fairly healthly. I can wear my kids clothes and they are in their 20's.


If ourtwardly you look awesome, but inwardly you feel horrible you aren't going to feel good about yourself. The outside has to match the inside.

Insisting on being married is problematic. Forcing marriage on a man isn't very attractive and comes off controlling, don't you think? I understand that you want what you want, but honestly you should respect his views as well. After all he is the other half of this equation. His wants are just as valid as yours.

When it comes to his comments, I can understand you feeling weird to a point, but then I would have to rationalize that the man was married before and raised children with his ex. If you want him to never speak of her, I don't think that will happen. If he is constantly speaking of her, then yes I think I would say something about it, but the occasional reference shouldn't bother you. Maybe if it continues to be problematic for you, you shouldn't go when he's visiting family. 

Your hurt feelings and awkwardness are your responsibility to manage. If you're not protecting yourself from it, you can't expect it from him either. He has a responsibility too to protect you, but the issues I see here are more about you than him.


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## serenitycat (Feb 12, 2013)

In some ways I feel like I am forcing marriage and in other ways not, it is his choice ultimately and I told him I was getting resentful that he would want to live with me, cook, clean and sleep with me, go on vacations with me and have me attend all family functions, but "just be the girlfriend" He says family is very important to him. It is important to me and I see my family all the time. I see my kids every week without him.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

serenitycat said:


> In some ways I feel like I am forcing marriage and in other ways not, it is his choice ultimately and I told him I was getting resentful that he would want to live with me, cook, clean and sleep with me, go on vacations with me and have me attend all family functions, but "just be the girlfriend" He says family is very important to him. It is important to me and I see my family all the time. I see my kids every week without him.


It is his choice to marry you, but your resentment statement forces it down his throat. If you want to be married you should be with a partner that wants the same thing. Doesn't that sound more balanced? If you're cooking, cleaning, and all the above, THAT is YOUR choice. He's not making you do these things with him or for him. You should be doing them because you want to. 

The way you're going about it sounds like you expect some reward for doing things with him or for him. You can't and shouldn't manipulate or ultimatum a man to marry you. If you want HIM, this particular man, accept where he is in your relationship. If he told you he would be happy with a living together situation, accept that or leave him because you cannot.


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## serenitycat (Feb 12, 2013)

I feel like if I am to be the wife - I want to be the wife. I don't cook and clean for him, we do it together. We do alot of stuff together and then have some of our own hobbies. We love each other and he loves me, but I am not happy anymore in a living together arrangement. Its his choice to get married to me or to move on and mine too. I don't want to continue without marriage and if he is so against it he could say no its not for me and we would move on, he said he loves me and wants me to be happy. I have been with him for over 5 years.


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## N_chanted (Nov 11, 2012)

" It is his choice to marry you, but your resentment statement forces it down his throat. " 

see, i dont agree here. i think she is just telling him how she feels, being open and honest. Isnt that how it's supposed to work? he was open and honest back with her. besides, if he didnt want to marry her, he wouldnt have proposed. 

and if he didnt want to, telling her "nope, i want to live with you, and you be my GF. i want all the benefits of marriage, just without the formalities, and i dont appreciate you trying to convince me otherwise" or something to the like, would be him forcing it down her throat just the same. 

either way, they are both in a relationship together, and they both participate and contribute....that's what makes it a relationship. if either one of them isnt happy with the way things are, it's up to them to voice it. You cant fix what you dont know is broken!!


" The way you're going about it sounds like you expect some reward for doing things with him or for him."

is it wrong to expect something? maybe not a reward, but if i am giving and giving and giving in a relationship, i do expect something back! maybe it's respect, or love, or compassion....maybe it means he gets out in the garden with me to pull the weeds, or maybe it means that he has me on his arm, and introduces me as "my wife, significant other, love of my life....or the like". but yea, i do expect something.

a return i guess.

if i didnt get anything back, i wouldnt stay. i also would stop giving so freakin much. 

I dont think an ultimatum of sorts is wrong either. it tells him how important it is to her, and that it's a deal breaker for her. If she doesnt voice that stuff, he wont know how big of an issue it is for her either. Of course, it's up to him how he responds to it, either deciding it's not what he wants, and hitting the road, or thinking on it, and deciding it's what he wants too. 

"If he told you he would be happy with a living together situation, accept that or leave him because you cannot."

Why is he allowed to voice that to her, but she's not supposed to voice what she wants to him? 

i dont get that!


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> I don't want to continue without marriage and if he is so against it he could say no its not for me and we would move on, he said he loves me and wants me to be happy. I have been with him for over 5 years.


What you disagree on is timing. He wants to be with you. He wants to marry you (I would assume from you getting engaged) but he's not ready to get married today. Not tomorrow. Not next week. Not next month. Not in a year. What if he told you he would marry you in 2 years? Would that make you feel better? How about 5?

My point is, you two are on two different chapters of the same book. You can meet him where he is, or you can walk away because he can't catch up. IMO you are putting this all in his lap, when it sounds like he's just fine with you and the pace of this relationship.


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## Thoreau (Nov 12, 2012)

It is not his choice. IF he marries you, it will be because you DID force him.

He may love you so much, he marries you just so he doesn't lose you. Then the resentment begins to build.

You don't seem very serene.

Personally, I would run to the woods and live in a cabin alone for a while if I were him.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> Why is he allowed to voice that to her, but she's not supposed to voice what she wants to him?


They both are free to do what they want to.

She voiced what she wanted and he proposed. She's almost there. The issue is not that he doesn't want to marry her. He does. The issue is it isn't on her timeframe. His wants are no less important than hers.


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## serenitycat (Feb 12, 2013)

We do have a date set for the wedding. I say also - its totally his choice, I am not holding a gun to his head, he could very easily say no its not for me I don't want to get married, then I probably would have my choice to say then I want more and am not satisfied and would move on, he loves me and doesn't want to be without me. He loves family and wants me to be his family and I can't even begin to feel like Im family if Im just the girlfriend.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Honestly, I think you've got alarm bells going off in your head for some very good reasons. 

If he's still talking about his ex using the word "we" it's can be a subconscious hint that he's still not over her even after all these years. When he talks about himself and you, does he use we or more often resort to "serenitycat and I?" One of the things John Gottman found in his studies that couples that ended up divorcing had not used "we" in their video interviews when asked about how they'd met and other similar questions. Instead of "We met at..." they would say "I met Julie at..." 

I'm guessing that your discomfort around his family stems from seeing other subtle, unspoken indicators that they see the ex as somehow more valid than you in his life. It doesn't mean they dislike you. It just means they haven't fully transitioned to seeing you as a permanent part of his life. I think it's good that he's asking his daughter to list you with your married names in a way, but I don't see it as significant necessarily. It could be his way of "testing it" if you know what I mean. 

Proceed with caution. I can understand your impatience and I think it's smart to avoid being a convenience to him, but it can be just as bad to marry someone who isn't "all in" yet. 

It's my opinion that when small children aren't involved, it's fine to wait and keep finances separate for as long as necessary, especially when there are some hesitations on either part.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

serenitycat said:


> *We do have a date set for the wedding*. I say also - its totally his choice, I am not holding a gun to his head, he could very easily say no its not for me I don't want to get married, then I probably would have my choice to say then I want more and am not satisfied and would move on, he loves me and doesn't want to be without me. He loves family and wants me to be his family and *I can't even begin to feel like Im family if Im just the girlfriend*.


OK. I don't see the problem here. You have a date set. What else do you want?


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## serenitycat (Feb 12, 2013)

Just sometimes feel that I'm the second choice and I know I am in alot of ways. He would still be with his ex wife if she didn't leave him for another man and he spent a year trying to get her back. It took him a long time to date again and I was the first relationship. I often feel that he really respected her and her opinions - even though she cheated on him and more than once. I want him to shout out to the world how much he loves me and how we are together and especially with his family. I feel that it is true - that she is the "wife" and Im just insignificant when I am with his family. I'm sure alot of it is my feelings of insecurity but I want to be important to him and for them to know it.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

serenitycat said:


> Just sometimes feel that I'm the second choice and I know I am in alot of ways. He would still be with his ex wife if she didn't leave him for another man and he spent a year trying to get her back. It took him a long time to date again and I was the first relationship. I often feel that he really respected her and her opinions - even though she cheated on him and more than once. I want him to shout out to the world how much he loves me and how we are together and especially with his family. I feel that it is true - that she is the "wife" and Im just insignificant when I am with his family. I'm sure alot of it is my feelings of insecurity but I want to be important to him and for them to know it.


It sounds like you two need to have a serious discussion about this. He can't control what his family does or doesn't do when it comes to you, keep that in mind. All he can do is ensure they know you are HIS #1. Does he do that? If he doesn't do that, then that should be topic number one with him. If he treats you well at home AND around his family, you will have to self manage better. This is all in your head and how you feel you are perceived... and to be honest I think you put way too much value on his extended family and how they think of you.


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## serenitycat (Feb 12, 2013)

I guess I want to know how to best get through his family event, and especially the daughters wedding when I feel this way. He treats me great when I am with him and with our friends. I do put alot of value on what they think of me and due to my insecurity Im not looking forward to going somewhere and feeling like an outcast. And yes the wedding is not about me, but he is insisting I come and not giving me an option - well he can't force me but really wants me to attend. I would tell him its his choice to come along or not -by the way my family loves loves him and treats him wonderfully. He wants me to love his family and that family is important to him.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

It would hurt him if you didn't come with him to his daughters wedding. Is that what you want to do?

I also want to add you would be sending a very strong message to the rest of the family by your absence.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

I'm having a lot of trouble figuring out what you're trying to say and why you feel so bad.

Nothing sounds out of the ordinary to me. He was married seemingly for a long time, they had children together and his ex was a part of his life for a long time. That relationship ended badly and with a lot of drama due to his ex cheating on him. It took him a long time to put that behind him - if you read the infidelity forum, that is not at all unusual. The pain of betrayal by the person closest to you does not just go away. 

Eventually he put it behind him, met you, and you've been together for 5 years. It seems your relationship progressed to a very close one where you started living together and sharing your lives together. 

Except, you held back. You didnt' want to fully share lives unless you are married. You didn't really feel like you are "family" and require marriage for that. He agreed, proposed and you have a date set. He is asking that his daughter even include your soon-to-be married name on the invitations. He seems on-board with the idea of marriage and is committed to doing so and is promoting that with his family.

But you are still holding back? Why? Why are you so uncomfortable right now? It sounds like everything has progressed quite nicely between you. But you're miserable.

Do you really want him to be your husband, or do you want to be married to supposedly legitimize your relationship in the eyes of others? Are you sure you want to marry him? Do you love him and can you see yourself together for the rest of your lives?



> He treats me great when I am with him and with our friends. I do put alot of value on what they think of me and due to my insecurity Im not looking forward to going somewhere and feeling like an outcast.


Do _they _really make you feel like an _outcast_? Shun you to the side and avoid you? Talk about you as though you were undesirable? What makes you feel like an outcast? Is it really just that YOU think of yourself as an outcast?

To me, it looks like a lot of this is in your head and you have insecurities that will NOT be resolved even after marriage. Marriage does not fix our emotional issues and insecurity issues. Those are ours to fix.


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## serenitycat (Feb 12, 2013)

No I don't want to hurt him as much as not feel bad myself. 

I feel like they are already sending a message to me, that I am nobody important - that the ex is the wife, that her picture is on their wall. They don't seem excited (?) about us getting married, my family hugged me and him and said congratulations etc. I don't feel like getting excited about his daughters wedding and his family when they aren't excited about me. I feel like they don't like stuff about me, that makes me feel negative to them. I know I have a bad attitude and I really want to stop and enjoy but I have these negative feelings. I find it hard and feel insulted by critism easily. I have been in an abusive relationship for many years.


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## serenitycat (Feb 12, 2013)

I don't know - I guess I have alot of insecurity - I want him to be over the moon for me and be thrilled about me, I want his family to accept me and think Im a nice person and good for him. I want to go to the wedding and not have to worry about who i am going to sit with or talk to and if people accept me. I know its about me - I don't feel super worthy of love/ Its crazy and I know it.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

It's normal for them to have a relationship with his ex. She was in his life for a long time, she is the mother of their grandchildren.

They haven't known you nearly as long, and if you are distant with them and hold back because of your insecurities, they aren't going to get a chance to know you at your best. Just like if you don't go to this wedding - it tells them that YOU don't want to be a part of their family and that will make them hold back from welcoming you into the family.

Shy people are often mistaken as stand-offish. Your insecurities could be coming through to them and they think it means you don't like them.

Do you ever reach out to them? You want them to think you are nice, but are you nice with them? Do you treat them like you want to be part of their family? Do you invite them over for dinner? Call to say hello and chat? Have you thought of planning a special dinner out for his daughter and her soon-to-be husband to get to know them as a couple? That kind of stuff can go a looooong way to showing people that you think of them kindly and welcome them into your life.


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## N_chanted (Nov 11, 2012)

so you know, it's INCREDIBLY disrespectful for them to keep a picture of the two of them together, on the wall!!! A relationship with her, fine. i'm good with that....she was part of the family, but dont exclude or think less of serenity because she wasnt the first wife. After all, if he thinks enough of her to make her HIS family, could they not give her a chance too?

but absolutely, that photo...it needs to come down!!


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

BrokenHearted_kitten said:


> so you know, it's INCREDIBLY disrespectful for them to keep a picture of the two of them together, on the wall!!! A relationship with her, fine. i'm good with that....she was part of the family, but dont exclude or think less of serenity because she wasnt the first wife. After all, if he thinks enough of her to make her HIS family, could they not give her a chance too?
> 
> but absolutely, that photo...it needs to come down!!


I wouldn't judge this unless we know what the family dynamics are. Maybe their grandchildren would be upset if their mother was erased from the family photo wall. Maybe if serenity gave them a framed photo of herself and her fiancee they'd put that up, too.


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## serenitycat (Feb 12, 2013)

I have asked his family over, they don't like to travel (its 2 hour drive) and they come once a year, I have invited them to a bbq but they didn't come, they only come xmas. His daughter lives 3 hours away and we see her occasionally. We did go there in December for dinner and she came for christmas. I have a fair amount of friends and they like me and him and think we are a good pair and he is a nice man, its just his family that I feel insecure about. He actually is a loner and doesn't have friends. When we have a dinner party or party its all my friends and family. His family doesn't attend and I have invited them. I invited the daughters for fathers day last year - they didn't come either.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

serenitycat said:


> I have asked his family over, they don't like to travel (its 2 hour drive) and they come once a year, I have invited them to a bbq but they didn't come, they only come xmas. His daughter lives 3 hours away and we see her occasionally. We did go there in December for dinner and she came for christmas. I have a fair amount of friends and they like me and him and think we are a good pair and he is a nice man, its just his family that I feel insecure about. He actually is a loner and doesn't have friends. When we have a dinner party or party its all my friends and family. His family doesn't attend and I have invited them. I invited the daughters for fathers day last year - they didn't come either.


If you're in your mid-50's, his parents are probably old and don't like to drive long distances. My parents live an hour away and they never come to see me...I always drive out to them.

My boyfriend's mother lives a few hours away and never comes here to visit. His brother lives about 4 hours away and also never comes. I don't take it personally.

Is there any way possible for you not to take this kind of stuff personally, as though it's a commentary on you? I'm not picking on you...just trying to give you a different perspective because your perspective is really the only thing you have control over and changing it can help you feel less insecure.


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## serenitycat (Feb 12, 2013)

and of course thank you all for responding and giving me some perspective, I do appreciate being able to "vent" and ask for some kind of response, validation or to know that I am just being wrong. ITs the kind of thing that i am glad i can be anonymous as I don't really want to put it out there and don't want his family or kids to know of course, or him either...thanks again for all the support!


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## serenitycat (Feb 12, 2013)

His parents are deceased - his siblings won't drive - they are our age.


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## N_chanted (Nov 11, 2012)

ok, so i give up. there are boundaries people. honestly. 
i understand Serenity, because my MIL and FIL had a photo of H and his x up on the wall. this is after H and i were married, and AFTER we had OUR children. my MIL is a second wife. and she knew exactly what she was doing.....
All i am saying, is there is nothing wrong with the expectation that your STBDH stand up for you. with his family, children, parents or his XW. 

i'm sorry, a photo of them on the wall is just too much. they are not together, so why advertise like they are? 

clearly nothing i say holds any water here, so i'll climb off my soapbox. Serenity, you have the info i gave you. I hope you find it useful! Good luck!


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I would take some engagement photos and send them out to the family. Allowing photos on a wall to dictate how you feel in a relationship is petty IMO.


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

The pictures are "family pictures" in his siblings homes. There's not much you can say about that without looking pretty insecure. His ex was part of their lives for a long time, it's normal to have pictures around. 
Go to the wedding, it is his daughters special day - don't spoil it for him by refusing to go. Chin up, shoulders back, smile and be pleasant to everyone. It's not always about you, try not to be so sensitive about everything.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

If I was planning to marry someone and felt insecure about the way his family treats me, especially when I know HE thinks it's important!) here is what I would do: 

1. I would become very assertive and outgoing around them. 
2. I would listen carefully for what they say about the ex.

When I met my husband, he'd gotten out of a pretty long marriage, and he NEVER talked about her. In fact, on those rare occasions when her name came up (usually because I asked), he minimized the bad and always added "But she wasn't always like that." 

I wasn't sure if he was really over her or just in denial for a while there. Then I heard from his daughter that her aunt, who lives very close, was great friends with the ex and disliked others in the family, that my husband's sister was something of a cold fish, and that the extended family never really gelled well even though everyone lives within a few miles of each other. 

So I made it a point to host some family get-togethers and get to know these people by calling them when he wasn't around... just to say hi or follow up on something that was happening with their kids, etc. This unlocked a TON of information and established my position within the family very well. It turned out the ex became a meth addict in the last couple of years and betrayed or abused nearly everyone, and they were a little hesitant about me because they doubted his ability to choose well. (I am his 3rd wife - both of the last two were into partying, etc.)

Today, I get along with all of his extended family well, and I think it's partly because I established myself as confident, showed that I was fair and reasonable about those exes and other stuff, and that I was sincerely interested in them and not just going along to get along.


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## mrstj4sho88 (Sep 5, 2012)

serenitycat said:


> Alot of times when we are with his family he will start saying stuff like "we sent our kids to this school, we went to this church, we had this wonderful meal here.." and he is talking about him and his ex and I feel wierd cause Im there. His daughters wedding is in his old hometown. I am not very self confident and I am trying to work on that - its true. I also know that its not his first choice to be married to me, that first of all he was very hurt by the divorce and that I had to insist that I wanted to be married to him. He would be fine just living together, but I said if he wants me to be family I would want to be married, otherwise I feel like "just the girlfriend" and I have heard his family use that term. I told him I feel insignificant to his family. I do look good for my age and am slim and trim, I exersize and eat fairly healthly. I can wear my kids clothes and they are in their 20's.


*Sorry you should not force him to marry you. JMO he should marry you because he is ready. It does not sound like he is over his ex-wife. This could all backfire on you later. Whatever you do don't cause any problems at the wedding. You should just smile and be happy to be on his arms.You knew he had a life before you and his family may never change. You can't control what pictures his family has up. You can only control what pictures are up in your home.You are still just his girlfriend to his family. *


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## mrstj4sho88 (Sep 5, 2012)

serenitycat said:


> Hi - I am new and saw this board and thought I might post in case anyone had any thoughts and help for me. Thanks in advance. I am a 56 year old woman and I have been living with my fiance for the past three years and in the relationship for five years. We are both divorced and have adult children. I have always felt a kind of space between us and I wanted to get married. I told him this last year and he initially wasn't for it, but he decided we could get engaged and then he said ok to get married. I feel that it is important to be married if he wants me to interact and be part of the family also. He wants me to attend all the family events with him. He wants me to be happy and he doesn't want to lose me so he agreed. We have told everyone and will be having a wedding. I have always felt a bit insecure about being a girlfriend especially around his family. I'm not sure why I have a hard time interacting with his family, and I feel less than adequate. I am a professional and have friends and family who love me. Next month his daughter is getting married in another state and we will be attending the wedding and other pertinant events. For alot of reasons, and I am trying to work on and analyze myself I am dreading the wedding. I would rather not go and that is probably not a good attitude. Its not as much his daughter as I know she will be busy at the wedding and he will be doing his father things. My fiance saw the invitations and asked his daughter to include me on the invitations with our married name even if it is 2 months before our wedding because his daughter was going to put the exwife and her husbands name on the invitation and the next line just my fiance, he said our feelings would be hurt. She is not close to the step father and he actually broke up the marriage or was part of the cause of the breakup in a way. I love that my fiance thought that I should be included as he already knew that I was feeling left out of the family cause we weren't married. I told him that if we aren't married thats how people think of us. I am insecure in alot of ways and was in an abusive marriage for many years. My fiance is very particular and likes things a certain way, I know this about him and alot of time I try not to let it hurt me , I just know its him not me. Its probably me and not them but how to fix it. His family (siblings) are very into family pictures also and have them up all over the wall, including the pictures with his exwife in them, I feel hurt and bit uncomfortable about it. I dwell too much on these negative thoughts and it is bad for my overall health. How do I turn this around and how can I be ok with this whole event and weekend. I am trying to tell myself that he loves me and wants me to be with him at the event and I am his wife to be.



*How long have you been living with him?*


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