# Before I make the final decision- opinions please



## unsureagain (May 14, 2013)

Hi-

I am at the ledge, ready to take the last step to pull the plug on my marriage. After 25 years and with 90% of our relationship really good- lots of mutual respect, same values, love of family, we just can't seem to overcome our sexual differences. Or should I say, he can't be happy with what I can live with.

After being married for 9 years, I found out my husband was cheating on me- find emails, etc and confronted him. At the time he accepted all blame, wanted to try to make it work and we went to MC. It worked, and the reason I stayed was his honesty, and the fact we had an 18 month old daughter at the time.

During MC, it came out that he had many fetishes he never shared with me. It made him feel free to finally share all of these with me, while I was stunned. Who was this person I thought I knew? He confessed to crossdressing, really needing to wear women's clothes and feel "like a women". He became obsessed with lingerie, and wanted me to wear it. The issue was that he bought enough for 50 women, and again overwhelmed me and he complained when I did not wear it for him enough. I think I was afraid of feeding the frenzy.

I tried to accommodate him- he was my husband, right? I needed to just love and support him. The problem came when I started feeling like I was doing all of the accommodating. I tried to set limits- I was not comfortable being with him dressed as a women- he wanted to ship for women's clothes, shoes and lingerie for himself with me. I could not do it. I started losing my attraction for him as a male I explained. I needed to see him that way, but I was OK if he needed to do this on his own.

The requests grew- he started asking for anal play, then more play with him wanting me to wear a strap on. He continued to push my limits, with him showing up in lingerie to make love and blindfolding me so I would not have actually see him. He wanted more play acting, BDSM, me dressing up for him and him as submissive. 

I tried to go along with everything, but my heart was not in it. When he would come to bed with his leg's and chest shaved my heart would sink. It really started to effect my attraction for him as a man.

However, we still had an active sex life, 2-3 time per week with more lengthy "sessions" when time allowed.

To keep this shorter, I won't go into all of the reasons but we hit a rough patch over the last year and we have agreed to separate and move towards divorce. I change my mind at least 5 times a day- we have grown up together, we are still good friends but I don't think I can be what he wants me to be. Tearing our family apart is breaking my heart.

I guess my question after all of this is am I making too much of his fetish needs? Are these essential requirement to those who have them, or do you think he could tone them down and still be happy? I don't want to try again just to be in the same place 10 years from now again.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Yikes! A very complicated issue.

This is such an intensely personal issue, involving your boundaries and your own orientations as well. What might work for one person may not work for anyone else.

Personally, I think your boundaries are quite realistic and very accommodating. I can see how you have taken a lot of steps forward to try to meet him half way. 

But it seems like he needs more, and so he isn't willing to simply accept your boundaries. This is where the problem really lies. He keeps pushing for more while you have really done a lot to accommodate. he is not satisfied with how far you've come and you are not satisfied with how far you've gone. 

This does seem to be an impasse. I'm so sorry and wish I could offer more.


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## unsureagain (May 14, 2013)

Thanks Anon, you really nailed it with your comment-
"he is not satisfied with how far you've come and you are not satisfied with how far you've gone"


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I hope you stick around. There are kink issues that come up but not a lot of people experienced to reply.


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

It sounds like he has some bisexual tendecies with some cross dressing thrown in is this correct?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unsureagain (May 14, 2013)

I don't know about the bisexual tendencies- I started to believe so in the end though I don't know if he had admitted it to himself.

I was not experienced sexually at all before him- so I don't have much to compare it with. That is partly why I was so shocked when I first found out about it 10 years ago, it was really nothing I was prepared to handle. We were in MC so that helped, but at the end of the day since he was the one with all of the special needs, I felt like I was the one making the effort.

Part of me feels like there is a match out there that might make him happier, but another part thinks we are throwing away a great life and maybe compromise is still possible. However, I do not personally need/enjoy BDSM, certainly not the cross dressing and if he "needs" that to be happy. I feel like somehow I have let the family down by not being willing to accommodate his needs.


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## maynsx (May 21, 2013)

There are kink issues that come up but not a lot of people experienced to reply.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

i think you are amazing for being as accomodating as you have been. you are waaaaaay more open-minded than I would have been with the cross-dressing, shopping for women's clothes, shaving, and the kinky stuff you've done - not for your own enjoyment but for your husband's. I do not believe that your husband is like most men and you have an unusual sexual relationship. 

It is sad that you think that you are the one who is letting the family down by not accomodating his needs when you have been so accomodating. I think you've gone above and beyond.

I don't think this is an issue of you not being accomodating and you being the one tearing this family apart, I think it lays all on your husband. If these were his tendencies and if this is the reason this marriage might fail - if exploring and accepting and promoting his kinky side is a prerequisite for happiness for him, then he should have made sure that you were on board before you got married.

I guess that is water under the bridge now, but you cannot be blamed for this. His sexual needs are so strong that they can't be satisfied with a straight woman. There is nothing you can do about this.

If he thinks he'll find another long-term woman to have sex with him several times a week and entertain his sexual preferences, then good luck to him. You are a gem and he doesn't know how lucky he is that you are as accepting as you are.


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## unsureagain (May 14, 2013)

Thanks isgirl3. I think I carry the guilt because I did manage to keep the family together for almost 10 years by being the one to accommodate. However, the death of several members of my family including my father over the last year left my emotional glass completely empty. That made me realize that I could not go on putting myself last in this marriage. I could band aid it for a while but the real issues are not going to change.

I think I knew this, but seeing it here and having some support/confirmation by outside people has helped me come to peace with my decision- thanks.

On the bright side, we are still friends at this point and that will be my focus for the sake of our daughter.


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## jen53 (Apr 26, 2013)

this reminds me of my situation, re my topic in this thread, incompatible, 20years married - much the same, and I am on the edge of wondering if the future is with my husband - we get on and he has always said he never wanted to seperate, but my trust is gone after finding out about escort visits, TV meet and him giving oral to a TV, lots more-our sex life got a lot better for a while after I first discovered his fantasies and fetishes(same as your husbands)I too tried ot accept the crossdressing, thinking it was something between us, I felt relieved it was in the open and tought we would become closer - but then found reading his chats etc online that I was being "groomed" bit by bit the sex play became more and more about his needs, I started to feel I could be anyone, or worse thet indeed he was thinking about TVs or escorts while we were having sex, and he would be hoping while I was being accommodating I would give him permission to go off and see TVs for BDSM! It even fot the a stage where I wasa donning a wig, sexy lingerie and actually pretending to be a TV myself, realistic strapon whihc he was giving oral too - I looked hard at myself and realised this was not for my pleasure, it was all for him - he would lose interest come to pleasing me or my fantasies(which involved me being sub and such BDSM things)and the more I tried ot act out his fantasies, the more he seemed to need the real thing, hence arranging escort visit-and lieing to me.Our sex life is non existant at present, as he doesnt seem to want vanilla, and I have lost attraction for him, knowing he isnt desiring me ofr me..
I cannot compete with escorts, dominatrixs, his need to be humiliated etc - he seems to see a wife as a boss who makes him be a sissy and serve others. 
trust in his loyalty are dashed, he talked of moving to cornwall in a few years then I saw a post to a TV on a dating site saying, "hey, may meet up, moving down your way-(the security of a retirement of happiness with a trusted husband of 30 years has gone for good) I am stuck between being financially secure, and scared to start again(I have no intention of trusting a man again, what the point - all the nest building family making era has past)at 53 I am wondering whether I should just lay in the bed I made!! sacrifice for the sake of our family, no one would understand if I divorced him, he comes across as the perfect husband to all who know him


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## lovemylife (Feb 13, 2012)

Many communities have organizations that have training for people interested in this lifestyle. It would be beneficial to access a group like this to help you negotiate and determine if you two can come to an agreement on what you both can live with. 

I would recommend doing some research into things like limits Limits (BDSM) - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia and BDSM BDSM - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia for valuable tools for your situation.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

IsGirl3 said:


> i think you are amazing for being as accomodating as you have been. you are waaaaaay more open-minded than I would have been with the cross-dressing, shopping for women's clothes, shaving, and the kinky stuff you've done - not for your own enjoyment but for your husband's. I do not believe that your husband is like most men and you have an unusual sexual relationship.
> 
> It is sad that you think that you are the one who is letting the family down by not accomodating his needs when you have been so accomodating. I think you've gone above and beyond.
> 
> ...





IsGirl3 said:


> If he thinks he'll find another long-term woman to have sex with him several times a week and entertain his sexual preferences, then good luck to him. You are a gem and he doesn't know how lucky he is that you are as accepting as you are.


Your pretty sarcastic. A long term woman who will have sex several times a week, many times in positions and alignments of your preference is something that is very normal this day and age. Throw an affair ontop of it, and it's even more normal.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

I need more information. When you tell him your limits how does he respond?


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## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

A fetish, like most things in life, is fine so long as it does not impact regular life to a significant degree. I recently read an article about how the human brain can "fetishize" something without properly processing it, and that "fetishization" can lead to obsession. It certainly sounds as if your partner is obsessed with cross dressing and role switching/reversals. There might be deeper issues in play here. Has he ever been diagnosed bipolar? Could he be in a long manic phase? Is he seeing an individual counselor? Are you?


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## unsureagain (May 14, 2013)

Thank you for the replies. We are both in counseling and it has helped me with the understanding that it is ok for me to have different needs and boundaries than he does. I am sad tonight because we had a good talk about whether we should try again to make this work. It kind of came down again to him basically saying that the only thing I could do to make it work for him was to be more like he wanted me to be. I did not feel him trying to see things from my side or really trying to love me for who I am.

I have seen many posts here about HD vs LD and I think we definitely have some of that going on, but I am more than happy to have more sex, but he is specific to how he wants it. He wants me to be the tear the clothes of as he comes in the door kind passion. I feel for him, but I have never been that person, I love sex but I am more of the intimate slow build type.

I would like to think we could meet common ground, but I am losing faith.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

He is willing to give up on a marriage because you don't rip his clothes off? 
And exactly what does he think is going to happen? 
Do you think there is any possibility that he has had an EA? Because its hard for CDs to find someone who will accept them and be compatible. 
He's so lucky to have you. I just don't get how it would be worth the pain of a divorce for him. He has no guarantee of finding someone else who will be exactly what he wants.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

sounds to me like you both realize the gap of compromise is just to large.

no shame in moving on.


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## farside (Oct 27, 2012)

What pains me about this is that you write "90% of our relationship really good". It seems like you are in both individual counseling and MC and that is the key. If anyone can help you its them. There is also sexual counseling.

Sex Therapy & Other Counseling

As a man with a much more vanilla fetish, I need to say that what you have done has been above and beyond. There is a great sex advice columnist named Daniel Savage. He has coined this concept known as "GGG". It stands for Good, Giving, and Game, and it means one should strive to be good in bed, giving "equal time and equal pleasure" to one's partner, and game "for anything—within reason. The concept recognizes boundaries through communication.

It sounds like you have been the picture of GGG. The trick is that your partner has not been, You are entitled to boundaries. He needs to be giving" to you and respect those.

As someone with a fetish my view is it needs to be contained and only explored in ways which are consistent with my marriage vows. Interestingly for me, this has meant me not directly telling my spouse about it.

I hope he realizes what he has and understands boundaries.


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## SouthernMiss (Apr 25, 2013)

You're not making too much of his fetish needs. He's not a bad man because he likes to cross dress and likes you to wear a strap on. But it is an unusual women who could participate in this type of fetish.

Most women get turned on by traditional masculinity. A man who wants to look like a girl and get effed like a girl...if you're into that, ok. 

If you're not, devastating.

I could never accommodate this kind of thing. The strap on is one thing...but watching your man pretend to be a girl? Wow...no. No matter how much I loved him...no. 

But if you can, God bless you. You're in a very difficult position, and I don't envy you.

Act in love and honesty and emotional transparency. If you can do that, then whatever happens...you can live with yourself.


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## unsureagain (May 14, 2013)

Thanks for the insight. I believe that is why I am finding it hard to want to fight for the marriage. He asked me the other day if I had "moved on". I was little taken aback by the question as we have only been separated for a few weeks. I asked him what he meant, like it was a trick question. I was getting the feeling that he was putting it all in my hands, that if we were going to try and make it work I had to be the one to ask. So I asked the question back to him, and his answer is that he thinks he has but it is hard for him to really deal with the reality of losing everything we have built.

I asked him how important all of the cross dressing and other things were to him, could he live without it. He downplayed it but I think that this is where my issue of trust comes in. I think he could control or hide it for while but at some point it is going to be an issue. Do I deal with it now or later is kind of how I feel now.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I for one think that there is something unhealthy inside him that is feeding the drive he has for cross dressing , you dominating, and the rest of it.

It's not about the fun of the kink, it's something else, and that's why you indulging it didn't satiate it, instead it grew stronger and became controlling of him.

I know popular culture likes to say kink is healthy and normal, and for most instances I agree, but that prevents help being given when it crosses the lines from fun to being consuming.

My gut says there is something inside him that is missing, unhappy, unaddressed that is troubling him and driving him to this ultimately self destructive behavior. He wants your friendship and companionship, and even the marriage, but these inner demands are surfacing in these sexual desires.

Has he tried seeing a therapist that is experienced in treating issues that drive extreme sexual behavior?


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## unsureagain (May 14, 2013)

Shaggy, yes he is in counseling now. I even met with him alone myself as he wanted to hear my side of things. He could not talk about things that my husband shared with him of course but he did understand my side of things. He did say say that my husband is a "complicated" man.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

My dh is a cross dresser and we have agreed from the beginning that he will only do things I am comfortable with. 
I don't think the problem here is the CD, I think it's the lack of respect for the wife's needs and desires. 
Also cross dressing is not necessarily a fetish. It can start as one but it has a much broader purpose for many people than just a sexual one. 

If he were pressuring me constantly to do more I would be very unhappy. 
It is also not a kink, it's a gender identity. 
My dh has many wonderful qualities that are usually held by women but he also has a very masculine side. It's the best of both worlds. 

Your husband seems to be quite selfish and I don't think I could stay in a marriage like that.


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## CEL (May 7, 2013)

Unsure I guess I find this kind of simple. You tried to be VERY accommodating and it just was not enough if you go any further you will lose respect for yourself and cross a boundary you will regret crossing. As for him if this sex/lifestyle is more important than you and the life you have together then he has some major issues and you to let him go. You deserve to be with someone who is going to be there for you through thick and thin what happens if you get a medical condition that would preclude you from having that kind of sex with him? He would leave, you deserve better.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

Unsure,
After reading all of this I have such admiration for you and even for your husband to a certain degree. You appear to have and continue to make a herculean effort in saving this relationship. I do not believe most would have jumped through so many hoops.

There is one thing that I do not think has come up which I believe is so important and that is if you believe you and your husband share any intimacy at all. Is there any Emotionally? Is there any sensitivity in your sexual life or is it just all kink?


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