# Can a LD wife ever win?



## HappyHappyJoyJoy (Feb 24, 2012)

My marriage is the most important thing to me. So, I will begin by saying divorce is absolutely not an option and never will be. I am happily married to one of the best men I have ever known. We just have a...what do I call it...a kink...

I'm soon to be 34 years old with 3 boys under age 5. My husband and I have been married 10 years, together for 12. He's soon to be 35. We have always gotten along great, so much so that we have few friends who can tolerate how close we are. There really isn't much to complain about in our marriage.

But then there's sex.

I have a LD and always have. But, my husband is probably the highest of high when it comes to sex drive. We are stark opposites. He wants it morning, noon, and night, and every moment in-between. And I'm not talking quickies. He wants an all out performance of not one but AT LEAST two sessions. To him, there's never enough sex.

Yes, I knew this early on. Yes, I did satisfy his needs for years. Yes. All of them. And to my own demise. I am completely tired out. I have nothing left. And now, I'm the bad guy.

My husband knows he has an abnormally high sex drive. For years he watched porn, masturbated and did anything short of cheating to satisfy his needs when I couldn't. He'd masturbate, have sex with me, and masturbate some more. I thought it was out of control, but it didn't bother me. I live by the rule that a happy husband means a happy home.

That is until it started to bother me.

I started feeling like I really had no purpose other than to satisfy his sexual need of the moment. And if I couldn't he'd simply find another way. I started feeling like he just needed me for sex. I started seeing things differently. I wasn't a wife but a moral sex partner. Someone who he could be comfortable doing whatever with. Whatever he wanted sexually I would perform. No holds barred. I wanted to be his fantasy. His porn star. Then I realized those dang porn stars have really messed it up for me. I am incapable of being a porn star. Every. Single. Day.

I've gone through doctor visits, painful bouts, and physical drainage all to satisfy his needs. And the mere moment I say I can't he pouts. I don't get a hug, a rub, nothing. And I am the type who needs hugs.

Which brings me to physical contact. It goes without saying that I can't brush up against him in the kitchen without him getting an erection. But, it gets worse. If I don't want him lusting after me I have to be covered from head to toe in sweats or a grandma flannel gown. I can't even dress comfortably in my own house! And forget about kissing. If I even wanted to kiss him it only takes a second for his breathing to get heavier, his tongue to get aggressive, and now I'm on the floor.

And he wonders why I don't kiss him.

My needs? Sexually, they are met. I do enjoy sex with him, and he enjoys pleasuring me. He just doesn't leave me any time in-between to want to be pleasured again. As a result it comes off as me not wanting him. Now he feels like I'm having sex because I have to, not because I want to. 

But aside from that, what I really need is time with him without the mention of sex. It never happens. We can't watch a movie without sex coming up; it's all over the television. We're far from family, so we've never been able to take an actual date night away from home; no babysitter. So, everything pretty much reminds him of having sex with me.

To be honest, I've lost what I need. I don't even know anymore.

I know this post is growing longer and longer, but I feel like I have to give all of the important factors in this. 

In his defense, he is willing to make changes. He's stopped masturbating (I'll admit I've had a hard time believing someone like him can stop altogether, but he says he has) and every session isn't in front of porn. We have decided to designate days for sex so I can get some sort of a break, and I know it's hard for him. He's a great father, and I am a stay-at-home mom, so he takes care of us beyond measure...another reason I believe he deserves whatever he asks for. 

But tell me this. I'm giving him the life of a HD husband that he desires, but when can I live the life of a LD wife? Will I ever be allowed to make demands for my sexual (or lack there of) needs? I understand a husband's needs, and I understand how much sex means to a HD man. But I'm not happy with the amount of sacrifice I am making. I completely adore my husband, but this life is making me hate sex.

I am at my wits end.


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## SomeLady (Feb 21, 2012)

I'm not sure how you qualify as a "LD" wife. I don't know how often you would like sex, but it sounds like you have done a lot to try and please your husband.

I think it's wonderful that you care so much about your husband. It's also sort of sad that you think this is all your responsibility. I don't know how high is too high, but it sounds like your husband needs to orgasm two or three times a day, every day, or else he feels really frustrated? 

That sounds like a huge burden for him to bear. It sounds like an awful lot to be put onto your shoulders.

I don't know what sort of treatment there is for this, but I think he would be happier if he had less sexual compulsion.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

Your husband is a sex addict. Two or three times a day, every day is way too much and unrealistic.

I love sex and I would like to make love every single day, but I can live with four times a week.


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## Jeff74 (Feb 11, 2012)

FirstYearDown said:


> Your husband is a sex addict. Two or three times a day, every day is way too much and unrealistic.
> 
> I love sex and I would like to make love every single day, but I can live with four times a week.


While I agree that two or three times a day seems like a lot, I would be very hesitant to say with certainty that he is a sex addict since I do not know what is considered normal.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

He sounds like a sex addict to me too.


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## HappyHappyJoyJoy (Feb 24, 2012)

I just finished re-reading my 2am rant and see that I really didn't ask much of a question. It was just that...a rant. I am glad, though, that I got it off my chest.

@SomeLady, I say that I'm an LD because I really don't have a regular desire to have sex. I can go weeks without it and be fine. Your synopsis of 2 to 3 times a day is correct. Without it he feels frustrated. He'll go without it as much as he can, but the fact remains that he wants it. It sort of hovers over my head when he's not getting it.

@FirstYearDown, we've had the 'you're probably a sex addict' talk. And he agrees he probably is one. He knows his needs are unreasonable. But, I've enabled them. So, now that things have changed (to roughly 5 days a week), it's like I've been lying to him all these years. How could things change? Why now? That's what he's left feeling. And I feel bad for it.

@Jeff74, that's exactly why I've done what he wanted, because I didn't really know what was too much. I'm flattered that he wants me at all! I can't imagine a life of my husband not being attracted to me, and I am all too aware that it could be that way. But with everything I DO do you would think that a break would be okay.

He always tells me that his satisfaction doesn't get stored away. He says that time without it is the equivalent of dog years, so one day without sex is more like 7. 

So, you're telling me that this is a lot even for an HD person? If so, then maybe we should speak to someone. I just thought that men need and want sex all the time. Period. And that women, as wives, should give in to his needs. I mean, men think about sex constantly, right? And I don't want my husband out and about unsatisfied. That's just asking for trouble! Sex, to me, is one of the biggest factors in marriage failure. When the sex is right everything else just falls into place. 

What do you HD spouses do for your spouses to help them get through? I need to hear from other HDs. I need to understand why the need for sex is so detrimental. I mean, I need a friggin cupcake every now and then, but I'm not pissed off all day when I don't get one. (Not to minimize it; I couldn't think of a different analogy.) Can you give any suggestions I could pass on to him?


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## SomeLady (Feb 21, 2012)

HappyHappyJoyJoy said:


> I just finished re-reading my 2am rant and see that I really didn't ask much of a question. It was just that...a rant. I am glad, though, that I got it off my chest.
> 
> @SomeLady, I say that I'm an LD because I really don't have a regular desire to have sex. I can go weeks without it and be fine. Your synopsis of 2 to 3 times a day is correct. Without it he feels frustrated. He'll go without it as much as he can, but the fact remains that he wants it. It sort of hovers over my head when he's not getting it.
> 
> ...


What he said about one day without sex being like seven struck me as weird. I wanted to say that he has no self-control, but it's not exactly that. It sounds like his sexual "desire" is more of a compulsion. 

I could see a man using it to JUSTIFY an affair, or using prostitutes, but I don't think a man could say "You won't have porno sex with me two or three times a day, seven days a week, so I was forced to have an affair with this woman who will do that." No woman will do that. 

Can I ask why you discourage him from masturbating? I'm just curious what the thinking is, there.

Anyway, your husband has a problem and you can't be his band-aid. It's not fair to either of you.


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## Havesomethingtosay (Nov 1, 2011)

Jeff74 said:


> While I agree that two or three times a day seems like a lot, I would be very hesitant to say with certainty that he is a sex addict since I do not know what is considered normal.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


REALLY!!!!!! REALLY!!!!!! You got got be kidding?????? Who are you people who don't know what normal is.......

That's like saying an 500 lb man isn't fat, because we really can't say what normal is..... 

I promise you 3X/day+ masturbating to porn is NOT NORMAL.....

HappyHappyJoyJoy, your husband needs counseling and immediately. I think 98% of people claiming sex addiction (especially those caught in affairs) are lying, but your husband has serious serious issues and probably childhood trauma that needs to be explored. 

All I can say to the OP is "you poor thing"........


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## HappyHappyJoyJoy (Feb 24, 2012)

When he masturbated it felt like a punch in the gut. Here I am doing everything I can to satisfy you and you STILL have to masturbate? When I first told him how I felt I explained that if he still needed sex then he should at the very least ask me first before resorting to masturbation. Give me a chance to say no. I don't think a married man should have to masturbate. He had no qualms about stopping. 

I also don't think allowing him to masturbate will help him through his sexual needs. It'll only make him want it more.

This may come as a surprise, but I'm really shocked to hear the opinion that he has a serious problem with sex. Although I know his desire is excessive, I honestly thought it was normal man-ism. You want it, you get it, you want more, you get more, and the cycle continues. I'm not saying I disagree, but I will say I've always thought that men generally have a sexual addiction, that they're naturally wired that way. 

Besides my end of the issue, what makes his sex drive a problem if he's not cheating?


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Hi happy ~

Honestly, it sounds like your husband uses sex as more of a coping mechanism - maybe to relieve anxiety, stress, whatever. When a person orgasms, there are chemicals released in the brain that give a person a 'feel good' and euphoric feeling. Some people can definitely become addicted to this feeling, just like a junkie would with drugs. And as with a junkie, they often require more and more in order to get the same level of euphoria.

A person who has to be constantly stimulated - especially if they start to diverge into chronic masturbation (e.g., multiple times a day) may be over the top of normal, and it should be considered whether they have a problem with it.

The fact that your H gets upset about it is also an issue. A marriage is a partnership between two people. Both of those people have needs and desires. Each partner should be trying to meet those legitimate needs and desires. Where is your partner meeting your needs for connection and closeness? It doesn't sound like he is very much, but he expects you to meet his as much as possible and gets upset with you when you don't. That is a sure-fire recipe for you to start feeling used - which you have alluded to in your post.

Somewhere, there needs to be a meeting in the middle for both of you. He needs to work to meet your needs, and you need to work to meet his. But all of that needs to be within reasonable bounds.

At this point, I think you guys should see a counselor together - I'd suggest a sex therapist to begin with - somebody who specializes in sexual issues. That way you can work toward some kind of middle ground, and if your husband does have addictive tendencies regarding sex, those can be worked on.

You may want to do some research in this area. Here's a site specifically for people who are affected by a spouse's excessive sexual needs: Hope & Help for Family & Friends of Sexaholics

You've been a great wife, Happy. But, even the most humble of things needs fuel in order to run - and it doesn't sound like your H has been willing to fill up your 'love tank' in the way that you most need it, while you have been striving to fill his. See if you can't get some balance back in your relationship with each other before you run completely empty.

Best wishes.


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## SomeLady (Feb 21, 2012)

Men are generally wired to be horny, true. But, few men over the age of... I don't know, 21? can even orgasm three times a day, seven days a week. 

And, most men don't get sulky and bitter about not getting any from the woman they love until it's pretty damn infrequent. 

I'm not sure what to say about masturbation. My religion teaches that it's wrong. That said, I also think it's kind of natural. I don't think it's anything like cheating, unless the spouse is literally ignoring their partner altogether because they'd rather masturbate. Sometimes, a guy just wants to rub one out in the shower as a sort of stress reliever. It's easier than pleasing a partner. It's faster. And, if a husband feels like he's already putting a lot of demands on his wife for sex, masturbation would be a way of avoiding that.

There may be something to his masturbating only making his compulsion worse, but I don't know.

His sex drive is a problem because he is frustrated all the time. If he could really be happy with sex 5x a week, then masturbating 14 more times a week, that would be better than feeling rejected and frustrated all the time.

For some reason, I'm reminded of a toddler who still needs to suck on a binkie in order to self-sooth. There's something about this compulsive behaviour that makes me think of that.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

HappyHappyJoyJoy said:


> Besides my end of the issue, what makes his sex drive a problem if he's not cheating?


Because he gets bitter, unhappy, and angry about it and let's all of that fall right back on you. A mature person learns how to handle their disappointments and frustrations in life without having to resort to taking it out on other people or going off the deep end in compulsions.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

dose he have a really stressfull job?

maybe he is using sex as an exscape from stress.

as A man with a high sex drive (I could easily have sex daily) his sounds exsessively high.and should warrant further investigation. weather it be physical or mental.

But there are 2 people in a marriage and he should be open to some sort of compromise.

I think he very well my be addicted to porn/sex. 

I don't know if he could have some sort of medical problem that somehow is increasing his sex drive to very high levels but I would look into that also.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

I am a high drive husband whose wife's drive has definitely tapered of the past few years

We have sex 3-4 times week 1 or 2 of those session are porn star sex.
I am perfectly happy with the amount of sex we have and do masturbate a couple of times a week because I have a high drive.

Men do not think about sex "all the time" and your husbands needs are excessive.

However like most women you turned on the porn stars libido to interest and hook him and now you want to turn it off because you're tired of it and he's already hooked.

He was probably thanking the stars above he finally found a woman who had similar needs and undoubtedly it was a factor in why he ended up with you.

Cutting it off now leaves him feeling like he fell for a bait & switch which if you want to be honest is what happened by your own words.

I have no clue why you want him to stop mastubating as it's pretty much the only thing that's going to keep him off you.

He does have a problem but I'm sure he thought he found a woman for which his problem was actually a benefit and now your telling him it was a lie/
From his point of view anyway.

I don't really know what you can do to gt him past this because while you're justified in the way you feel he is just as justified in the way he feels
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SomeLady (Feb 21, 2012)

*However like most women you turned on the porn stars libido to interest and hook him and now you want to turn it off because you're tired of it and he's already hooked.*

How on Earth do you know this??


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## SprucHub (Jan 13, 2012)

HappyHappyJoyJoy said:


> When he masturbated it felt like a punch in the gut. Here I am doing everything I can to satisfy you and you STILL have to masturbate? When I first told him how I felt I explained that if he still needed sex then he should at the very least ask me first before resorting to masturbation. Give me a chance to say no. I don't think a married man should have to masturbate. He had no qualms about stopping.
> 
> I also don't think allowing him to masturbate will help him through his sexual needs. It'll only make him want it more.
> 
> This may come as a surprise, but I'm really shocked to hear the opinion that he has a serious problem with sex. Although I know his desire is excessive, I honestly thought it was normal man-ism.


While I do not agree that wanting sex a few times a day is not "normal", I think needing sex a few times a day and pouting without it is immature or a symptom of something - sex addiction or another need he is unaware of not being met. [I am mid 30's and want sex every time I see my wife. However, I get sex about every time I see a comet - an exaggeration.] 

That said, is it the masturbation or porn use that bothers you? Without the porn, it is really just a physiological act, like scratching himself. Would you say a married man should not have to scratch himself? Porn, for many men, is just a lubricant - a backscratcher that moves things along. But, many women find it offensive and an intrusion into the marriage. 

If he wants full on sessions, and is ok not masturbating, then it may not be just the sex he is after. That is, he is trying to emotionally connect to you in a way that he intuitively understands. Maybe reading a book on connecting emotionally will help ease his need. 5 love languages, while I think base, may help.

Also, you do not owe him for providing for you. It is what you agreed to. He wants to provide for you the same way you want to provide for him. I work, my wife is a SAHM. She works hard, her job is demanding. It is our money, not mine. 

Now, I am going to check an astonomical calendar.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

Nothing wrong with married people masturbating, as long as it doesn't interfere with a couple's sex life.

I do it. Certainly not multiple times a day because I get enough sex and I don't have time to touch myself all day. Girlfriend has sh!t to do.


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## HappyHappyJoyJoy (Feb 24, 2012)

I definitely don't want to give off the impression that he doesn't compromise because he does. He truly is a great heart. His job is demanding, and just the idea of having the responsibility of being the sole breadwinner would be too much for me to bear if the table was turned. He comes home from a hard day of work and makes dinner (EVERY day...he loves to cook), puts down the kids, and never complains. He really is a great person.

Given the frequency of sex we've had in the past, the mere fact that we don't have sex every day is a hell of a compromise in my book. I also realize, however, that it's not okay to be so frustrated when we skip a day.

He has cut down his sexual intake tremendously in an effort to make me happy. But it doesn't come without a cost. That cost is his frustration. I see from the responses that even that is unreasonable. I have a lot to think about and discuss with hubs.

@SprucHub, you are right in many ways. He has even told me he feels duped into believing I was his sexual match. But what he, and maybe you, don't understand is that to _me_ I AM his sexual match. Even others in this discussion have said that no woman can do what I've done. And yet I do it out of the love of my marriage and my husband. Why is it that because I need a break that all of a sudden I'm the bad guy? I liar? 

Where you are wrong is in my intention. I never intended on changing my sexual habits with him. I thought I could hang. I never imagined it'd become difficult. The reality is I want to make my husband happy, and if it meant a whole lot of sex my thought was hey. I can do that. Now that we've reached this point I simply don't have anything left. Hell, even a baby, who breast feeds upward of 20 times a day in the beginning is eventually weaned to other forms of nourishment. I guess I thought it would eventually die down. Some.

As for the question on what part of masturbation bothers me, I can easily say it's the porn. I get that porn helps move things along, but I think it's been a thorn in our marriage in that there's an expectation set on what should be done in bed. Or could be done in bed. Plus, I like to think I can satisfy him enough to not need to watch other women doing other men. I laugh at the idea that he could masturbate without porn. So, the only option is to cut out masturbation. But I am perfectly willing to rethink that given your comment, Spruc. You've helped to clarify masturbation.

I think it's important to also point out that we've been together since we were 21 years old. So before then we really did not have many 'adult-like' situations. I think a lot of our sexual experience was part of us growing up together. It should be considered that where we are today could be the natural progression of things.

Thank you all for your responses and help. This forum is a life...or shall I say marriage...saver.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

SomeLady said:


> *However like most women you turned on the porn stars libido to interest and hook him and now you want to turn it off because you're tired of it and he's already hooked.*
> 
> How on Earth do you know this??


She said so in her OP.



> I have a LD and always have. But, my husband is probably the highest of high when it comes to sex drive. We are stark opposites. He wants it morning, noon, and night, and every moment in-between. And I'm not talking quickies. He wants an all out performance of not one but AT LEAST two sessions. To him, there's never enough sex.
> 
> Yes, I knew this early on. Yes, I did satisfy his needs for years. Yes. All of them. And to my own demise. I am completely tired out. I have nothing left. And now, I'm the bad guy.


Now as a woman you may not see it this way but trust me, from a mans point of view this is a bait and switch.

In those early days did the OP go ahead and "satisfy his needs" without telling him it was really too much for her?
If so why?

I think I already know the answer I`m just curious.

Please understand I`m not bashing the OP and I do think her H is off the charts with his sexual needs but I am pointing out a valid complaint he most likely will have with this situation.

Edit:

And here is the validation of my assertion.



> @SprucHub, you are right in many ways. He has even told me he feels duped into believing I was his sexual match.


He`s not in the wrong here.
If she led him to believe this was going to be their normal sex life from the beginning he has a valid case for a bait & switch.
It will cause resentment.


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

I almost guarantee that if he can give up the porn his desire will normalize. That will be tough for him, but possible. I suspect he's addicted to porn.


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## HappyHappyJoyJoy (Feb 24, 2012)

@tacoma, you sound very much like my husband. My last response should've also been directed to you. I do agree with the idea that my actions _could_ be viewed as a bait and switch, but in actuality it isn't. It's unreasonable to believe that anyone can spend a lifetime satisfying an HD man's sexual needs without some level of burnout. And if you ask me, it's a freak of nature to not burnout.

No, I never disclosed the sex was too much for me in the beginning. That's because it wasn't. That's what I'm having a hard time getting hubs to understand, and I have a feeling you're in the same boat. The fact is I enjoyed pleasing him (and still do) as much as he needed. But I mean c'mon. How valid is it to complain about a woman needing a break? A woman who obviously is perfectly willing to give you what you want if you can, in return, give us what we want. 

Have you ever considered that it's the HD's actions that led to the feeling of sex being too much? Because if it wasn't too much in the beginning, there was obviously a fray somewhere along the line. And the sexual downfall isn't the fault of the HD's spouse's urge to please his/her spouse. You would think the friendship between the two could sustain the relationship just as much as sex. Why is it that sex is the marriage? How could you possibly be frustrated with the person who loved you enough in the first place to give you what you wanted?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

HappyHappyJoyJoy said:


> How could you possibly be frustrated with the person who loved you enough in the first place to give you what you wanted?


If it's a sex addiction and I believe it is then it's his crutch, causes his selfish behavior and he is a bottomless pit of neediness.

He's frustrated because you're attempting to stop enabling him. He needs to find other outlets to release stress and anxiety. There are other ways you know besides having sex morning, noon and night.

Most women can't keep up with that forever.


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## nader (May 4, 2011)

This is not directed at anyone in particular, but I think everyone should have the experience of being both HD and LD within the same marriage so the other person can understand how it feels.

I've often wondered what would happen if my drive plummeted while my DW's drive skyrocketed at the same time.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

nader said:


> This is not directed at anyone in particular, but I think everyone should have the experience of being both HD and LD within the same marriage so the other person can understand how it feels.
> 
> I've often wondered what would happen if my drive plummeted while my DW's drive skyrocketed at the same time.


I agree with this and I've actually had the benefit of being on both sides. Was HD until perimenopause then became LD.

It's much much easier to be LD no doubt. Honestly I do not miss my drive as my husband is still LD. I can only dream that his drive skyrocketed (never going to happen) because I probably would totally get even.


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## HappyHappyJoyJoy (Feb 24, 2012)

> It's much much easier to be LD no doubt. Honestly I do not miss my drive as my husband is still LD. I can only dream that his drive skyrocketed (never going to happen) because I probably would totally get even.


Although a joke, this is so unsettling. I wish it wasn't looked at as getting even, as if being the opposition is a choice.


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## SomeLady (Feb 21, 2012)

tacoma said:


> She said so in her OP.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


What I objected to was your assertion that she did this in order to trick him. To hook him. To land a husband. It sounds to me like she did what she could because she loved him. She also said earlier that she thought this was normal for men. I got the impression that she felt a woman's job is sexually satisfy her man as much as he wants her to.

While he may feel let down that the sex isn't on tap like it used to be, that's really not the same thing as her pretending to be a porn star just to hook a guy.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

SomeLady said:


> What I objected to was your assertion that she did this in order to trick him. To hook him. To land a husband. It sounds to me like she did what she could because she loved him. She also said earlier that she thought this was normal for men. I got the impression that she felt a woman's job is sexually satisfy her man as much as he wants her to.
> 
> While he may feel let down that the sex isn't on tap like it used to be, that's really not the same thing as her pretending to be a porn star just to hook a guy.


While I would not necessarily use the term bait and switch, it is clearly a big change in position, and one that has the strong possibility of leading to resentment. If a husband, through natural thought and consideration, decided that he did not want children, whereas before he did, it would no less of an issue. Even if unintentional and well meaning, these changes really destablize a relationship.

With all that being said, what the husband is asking for seems excessinve. I am very HD, and the regiment described makes me exhausted even thinking about it. It seems MC and perhaps IC for him to help address how he deals with stress, as it appears that sexual release is his manner of choice.


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

The fact that the OP is HERE, leads me to believe that if we're going to call this a bait and switch, which it IS, then we have to be fair to the OP and understand that the switch or "change"/shift/whatever was unintentional.

OP is in a ****ty situation because in her own words, which I really believe, she "thought she could hang."

She really tried. She knew what she was getting into, she assessed it carefully, and she was confident that she was capable of handling it... It does not make you a bad person to "bite off more than you could chew." It happens to the best of us. The evil bait n' switches are those that are intentionally carried out with tricking the partner as the PURPOSE instead of an unintended result.

I don't think she did anything wrong, but I don't think the husband is doing anything wrong either. There are many couples HERE that have sex daily, sometimes more than once... But they can handle that. We don't say they're addicted.

Now, how do we get them to match again?

The husband works, and cooks when he gets home, and helps out with the kids. I can't imagine why he wouldn't deserve his sexual match unless he just didn't pick correctly.

He did pick correctly because she was that way, but she now wants a break. 

I think both spouses can make efforts to meet more in the middle, he gets a bit less sex than he wants, she gives a bit more...

But the OP has no right to tell him not to masturbate if she's not giving him what he needs. That is petty.

And how the heck can he have a sex addiction? It's NOT interfering with his life? People with porn addictions have problems with helping their spouses, going to work, fulfilling responsibilities, etc.

This husband works, cooks/cleans, does his share of the parenting, what more could he be doing??? He sounds very responsible and he can clearly keep tabs on his own life. I don't believe he is addicted, sorry, just very very HD.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

HappyHappyJoyJoy said:


> Although a joke, this is so unsettling. I wish it wasn't looked at as getting even, as if being the opposition is a choice.


My story is nothing like yours so don't let me make you unsettled. My husband NEVER TRIED to meet my needs. In fact he cut me off. THAT is why I'd be tempted to get even (btw I wouldn't do that - I'm not childish - it was a joke).


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Interlocutor said:


> And how the heck can he have a sex addiction? It's NOT interfering with his life?


He gets pouty, annoyed and pissy when he doesn't get it. THAT is a problem.


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

Mavash. said:


> He gets pouty, annoyed and pissy when he doesn't get it. THAT is a problem.


It is a problem... What I meant was that he still does what he needs to meet his wife's and his family's needs above and beyond the call of duty.

I don't think his drive is an interference as much as it's kind of immature and of course inconvenient to the OP. I don't sympathize with the latter, but with the former I agree he should be communicating his frustration more maturely, to be less immature.

But I won't blame him for being frustrated. No way.

Maybe he needs to learn to communicate better?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Interlocutor said:


> But I won't blame him for being frustrated. No way.


What about her frustration? She doesn't get any hugs or nonsexual touching....ever and LD people need that.

Sexual addiction or not the guy sounds incredibly selfish thinking only of himself and his needs. He has a blatent disregard for hers which is why she is here.


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

Mavash. said:


> What about her frustration? She doesn't get any hugs or nonsexual touching....ever and LD people need that.
> 
> Sexual addiction or not the guy sounds incredibly selfish thinking only of himself and his needs. He has a blatent disregard for hers which is why she is here.


I'm just going by this. He doesn't sound selfish, from the horse's mouth.

This does not sound like a blatant disregard for his wife's needs, just a disregard for ONE of her needs.




HappyHappyJoyJoy said:


> I definitely don't want to give off the impression that he doesn't compromise because he does. He truly is a great heart. His job is demanding, and just the idea of having the responsibility of being the sole breadwinner would be too much for me to bear if the table was turned. He comes home from a hard day of work and makes dinner (EVERY day...he loves to cook), puts down the kids, and never complains. He really is a great person.



And where does she say he's not willing to hug her or show affection? I can't find that... I tried rereading. 

I found where she says that he gets excited when she hugs him or touches him... A credit to her! She must be a smoking hot wife! 

Mavash, I'm not disagreeing with you. He needs to handle his frustration better. Pouting because you didn't get sex one night is immature. Yes. He needs to talk to her maturely, understand maybe he's not getting sex today, and continue to show affection without pouting, PROVIDED that the OP makes a high effort to let herself become aroused/be more receptive more often, maybe even when she's not in the mood initially, because that is who she married. He has never changed on her, so did she pick wrongly then???

If I thought I could get my wife flowers everyday because that is what she wanted and I knew this before marrying her, it's just the way she was, and then one day I realize I can't keep up, as immature or pouty as she gets, is that my wife's fault later for continuing to be that way, a way I knew she was before I married her???


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## SprucHub (Jan 13, 2012)

HappyHappyJoyJoy said:


> I definitely don't want to give off the impression that he doesn't compromise because he does. He truly is a great heart. His job is demanding, and just the idea of having the responsibility of being the sole breadwinner would be too much for me to bear if the table was turned. He comes home from a hard day of work and makes dinner (EVERY day...he loves to cook), puts down the kids, and never complains. He really is a great person.
> 
> Given the frequency of sex we've had in the past, the mere fact that we don't have sex every day is a hell of a compromise in my book. I also realize, however, that it's not okay to be so frustrated when we skip a day.
> 
> ...


Glad I could help on the masturbation point - although I was not suggesting allowing porn. Personally, I think it is no big deal, but my wife does and I respect that. Maybe a compromise on the type of porn (a video of you), or some other solution like you talking dirty to him while he does it?.

I said nothing about bait and switch. I think there is only so much he can expect from you and you are great for doing as much as you've done. I've before paraphrased Dan Savage in saying, of a man who expects daily sex, imaging if your wife wanted to stick something into you every day. That is why I think masturbation is a good compromise. Blame Tacoma for the bait & switch stuff. Also, I think the issue re frustration may not be "sex". Sex may be his way of feeling loved, and the less there is, the less love he feels. Since his desires are unreasonable to fill, maybe you can help him understand he is loved in a different way. Hint, guys secretly or not so secretly love compliments. Eye contact also helps.

His frustration should wane. If not, the frustration is not the amount of sex, but likely his view you are not doing enough. Nip this in the bud with frank discussions and maybe an MC if necessary. I do not feel you pulled a bait & switch because it sounds like you are trying. Life is tiring and people change, especially after having children. What if you got sick? A bait & switch is intentional. The fact that you care so much, says all I would need to hear.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

> And where does she say he's not willing to hug her or show affection? I can't find that... I tried rereading.


Here is the quote. With him it's either sex or nothing. 



HappyHappyJoyJoy said:


> I've gone through doctor visits, painful bouts, and physical drainage all to satisfy his needs. And the mere moment I say I can't he pouts. I don't get a hug, a rub, nothing. And I am the type who needs hugs.


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## Lionelhutz (Feb 2, 2012)

I'm sexually frustrated but I agree,that your husband's driver truly seems over the top. 

It would seem there is no other option but compromise and so far it does sound you are the only one doing the compromising.

He needs to give you are break and he needs to learn to function without constant sexual gratification...it can be done.


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## Jeff74 (Feb 11, 2012)

Havesomethingtosay said:


> REALLY!!!!!! REALLY!!!!!! You got got be kidding?????? Who are you people who don't know what normal is.......
> 
> That's like saying an 500 lb man isn't fat, because we really can't say what normal is.....
> 
> ...


I should have been more specific. I meant that I have no idea how many times per day a person needs to masturbate for it to be considered an addiction. 

Regarding a 500 lb person, there are plenty of medical charts which show what's normal based on height (bmi, etc),

I just don't like how people throw around the word addiction..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

Mavash. said:


> Here is the quote. With him it's either sex or nothing.


That's just plain immature. No excuse. Thanks for pointing that out. He should remain affectionate while they work out their frequency of sex problem.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## effess (Nov 20, 2009)

I've noticed a lot more LD spouses wandering over here. They are brave :rofl:. I wish more would post here for perspective, even though every HD spouse jumps all over them channeling all their anger and frustration about their own situation onto the LD post-er. And I'm a HD spouse myself, so I get it.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Hypersexuality - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

First of all you sound like you love him a lot. I would see a sex therapist if I were you, together. His desire level is not normal. Its bothering you, he's not happy, and there really shouldn't be anything in your life that consumes you that much. I feel bad for both of you. I know there have been times when I'm really in the mood a lot and my h isn't, and I can't masturbate for whatever reason, and it physically hurts. 
Please get some help!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bottled Up (Nov 12, 2011)

HappyHappyJoyJoy, I do believe you were never out to maliciously "bait and switch" on him. Tacoma has some good points, but what I think is an oversight is that people can change over time... their bodies and needs can change. That's not something people can usually control, and if that's what has happened to you then surely it's not your fault and surely that doesn't quantify you as a bait-and-switcher.

However, the issue you're dealing with is that your husband's body/needs are not changing with yours. So you're coming into a situation in your lives where your needs are not on the same page anymore. But also considering your husband's needs are so incredibly high, that exacerbates the dilemma even more.

Why don't you get your husband to start smoking pot on a regular basis? That might calm his drive down and start giving you the breaks you need. And yes I'm completely serious. Maybe if he starts smoking pot he'll calm down to a normal human drive and not be superhuman drive anymore...


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## gonefishin (Oct 7, 2011)

HappyHappyJoyJoy said:


> I just finished re-reading my 2am rant and see that I really didn't ask much of a question. It was just that...a rant. I am glad, though, that I got it off my chest.
> 
> @SomeLady, I say that I'm an LD because I really don't have a regular desire to have sex. I can go weeks without it and be fine. Your synopsis of 2 to 3 times a day is correct. Without it he feels frustrated. He'll go without it as much as he can, but the fact remains that he wants it. It sort of hovers over my head when he's not getting it.
> 
> ...


I think you need to talk to him and tell him what you told us. Three times a day is a bit much. I went through this with my wife, I was asking for at least three times a week. It was more like once or twice and when she took a pass I did get upset. I guess it is all relative. I think in this situation you need to talk to your husband. The fact that he needs it 24/7 is all in his head.


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## Gratitude (Feb 12, 2012)

Bottled Up said:


> Why don't you get your husband to start smoking pot on a regular basis? That might calm his drive down and start giving you the breaks you need.


WTF? Seriously? That's an excellent idea, give him drugs. It doesn't matter that he'll be stoned and has his children around or has to go to work.

Look I'm not some drug basher I had my fair share of fun when I was younger. And a bit here or there, not going to be life altering. But perhaps my view is a bit different as I have previously lived with and known people severely addicted to pot. And yes I'm serious. It happens.

I don't think replacing his need for sex with drugs will help. Unless prescribed.

Whoever said it before, I believe a sex therapist is a great idea. I imagine he/she could diagnose if it is an addiction, and what steps they can take to go forward in their marriage.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I find it interesting that when a WOMAN expects sex 3 times a day, and the man feeds into that and then changes his mind, that no one here is calling it out as a bait n switch. Then, she just needs help.

OP -- Yes, his drive is very high. Mine is similar, but I have also had to learn how to deal with the fact that it is unreasonable. I think you would be better off getting him to talk to someone.

I know you might feel guilty, but people and situations change. That is one of the first things he needs to learn. One of the first things I had to learn too. Your feelings matter too.


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## Lionelhutz (Feb 2, 2012)

DawnD said:


> I find it interesting that when a WOMAN expects sex 3 times a day, and the man feeds into that and then changes his mind, that no one here is calling it out as a bait n switch. Then, she just needs help.
> .


I don't know if that is necessarily true or if so at least I haven't seen it. Sex three times a day over the course of a number of years is simply unrealistic for most people, male or female.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Lionelhutz said:


> I don't know if that is necessarily true or if so at least I haven't seen it. Sex three times a day over the course of a number of years is simply unrealistic for most people, male or female.


RD's wife expects that and everyone ripped her a new one telling her she was unreasonable. But now that a woman is saying her husband expects it, she bait and switched him.


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## frankd (Feb 22, 2012)

I just joined in. 
In my humble opinion, I think the husband is being extremely insensitive and unrealistic. I know how he must feel, because a touch from my wife, or heck even a smile will set me off and I just gotta have her. But really, it's not candy and you don't have an unlimited budget. A guy gets horny, so what? He's got to cool his jets until the time is right. 
It sounds to me like she is very accomodating and he should be appreciative of that. Therefore, he should give her some consideration and take it easy - it's not a marathon. 
We've been married 22 years and it never gets old, so don't rush it!


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Time has a way of changing us all. My ex insisted that I was an addict for thinking we should be having sex at least three times per week baring lack of availability. Turned out that she was having it far more than that, only not with me. Presently, I am willing anytime the possibility arises. If it doesn't, I can always do as I did for most of the twenty years I was married and give myself a hand.
No way would I consider forcing a woman to accommodate me, but don't expect it to be an issue in the future since I plan to have no more long term relationships.


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## Bottled Up (Nov 12, 2011)

Gratitude said:


> WTF? Seriously? That's an excellent idea, give him drugs. It doesn't matter that he'll be stoned and has his children around or has to go to work.


Alcohol is a "drug" too... you react to this making it sound like pot is heroin or something... 

If you did the research on pot you'd find out that scientifically it is less harmful than both alcohol and cigarettes, yet both are legal. The illegality of pot it simply politically-driven, otherwise it's effects are scientifically minor if taken responsibly.

Some of the legalized pharmaceutical drugs prescribed by counselors are even worse than pot too. To each their own... it's an option if she wants to think about it. Hers (and his) prerogative.


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## TallJeff (Nov 1, 2011)

HappyHappyJoyJoy said:


> I'm flattered that he wants me at all! I can't imagine a life of my husband not being attracted to me, and I am all too aware that it could be that way.


Well imagine how he feels when you won't kiss him then. Or when you go 2 weeks without sex. Because that's how he's feeling.



SomeLady said:


> I could see a man using it to JUSTIFY an affair, or using prostitutes, but I don't think a man could say "You won't have porno sex with me two or three times a day, seven days a week, so I was forced to have an affair with this woman who will do that." No woman will do that.


Oh that's untrue. Most may not. Some most certainly will.



SomeLady said:


> Men are generally wired to be horny, true. But, few men over the age of... I don't know, 21? can even orgasm three times a day, seven days a week.


Again untrue. I do at least 3 times a day nearly every day. Late 30s. And I know some of my male friends do the same.


But I think the OP & hubby need to come to an agree. If he's the sole bread winner AND makes dinner AND puts the kids to sleep, the OP should have plenty of energy.

Compromising at say 3x per week with the understanding that every hug & kiss (which the OP needs and deserves) in between need not signify the start of sex.

And that if he's gotten it 3x in the last 7 days, he CAN NOT complain. 

Those seems like an example of fair ground rules.


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## marriedinnh (Mar 25, 2012)

Doesn't addiction have criteria like:

Can't stop if you wanted to... but she says he's stopped taking matters into his own hands and has cut down to 5 days a week?

Is impairing work or family life... but doesn't she say he's supporting his family and they get along great?

I'm not saying she doesn't have a valid concern, clearly she does. But it doesn't seem right to make an off hand diagnosis like that.





FirstYearDown said:


> Your husband is a sex addict. Two or three times a day, every day is way too much and unrealistic.
> 
> I love sex and I would like to make love every single day, but I can live with four times a week.


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