# Am I doing more than my share here?



## kevsand718 (Jun 3, 2010)

Okay, I just responded to a post I posted the other day and it got me to thinking if my W and I are really meeting in the middle or if i am doing more to please her. 

What I mean is an ugly thing came to the surface back in March. The ugly thing was her doing but I am told it takes 2 for it to have happened. Anyway Since that time I have made drastic changes on my part. We went to a counselor and I was told this ugly thing was caused by lack of communication by my W and me being to focused on business and not "noticing" my W needs needing to be met. So anyway as I told the counselor I would do anything / give up anything for my W. I have done this and then some. I have closed up my retail business, I brought my internet business to a crawl, I no longer use my home office, I use my laptop in a room we are both in so we are together. I help a lot more with the in house work. I get her a coffee every morning to start her day with. I do many things to let her know I love her and to let her know she is beautiful and I adore her. I would do anything for her. We go out on dinner dates every Friday night. Every Sunday she goes out with a friend to walk a few miles, chat and have coffee. I encourage her to get a pedicure / manicure once a month. I know there is more i just can't think of it right now. 

Anyway I am not upset that I do any of these things because i love my wife and enjoy doing these things for her. However It just seems like a lot and now I feel unsatisfied with getting nothing in return. I mean I am left with a scar from this ugly thing, I gave up the things that made us money and gave me enjoyment. I have no hobbies anymore because they are "too expensive". I liked to shop for clothes for my wife but she no longer likes the clothes that i like. So now I can't buy her clothes. The only thing that i want, truly want is for the sexual intimacy between us. She says she has no sex drive. Nothing I do can get her aroused. I mean nothing and I posted about this already. I basically have to wait till a possibility that she is in the mood otherwise it seems one sided. I feel worthless. I just want the intimacy between us. is that too much to ask?


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## MotoDude (Sep 15, 2010)

I'm almost in the same situation. Greenpearl put some in good perspective, just check out this thread http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/16487-understanding-your-husbands-sexual-needs.html 

I came across this thread by doing some search and lurk for a while before joining. This site has given me alot of answers with some good post which I used and follow. My wife seem to be more open now after sending her few msg from members post...and the article.

Yes, you are doing alot and being neglected of sexual intimacy. see if you can forward her that article to read.


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## mike1 (Jun 15, 2009)

Wow dude, I could have written your post. Except my wife didn't do an 'ugly' thing but as far as me putting in all the efforts, giving up pretty much most of my personal life, hobbies and other activities to make sure I'm taking care of her needs only to have almost nothing in return. 

I posted the link above a while back in this forum and for me it gave me a much better understanding of myself. If you think it would help then you should send to your wife. I sent to mine and it blew up in my face but that's happened every time I try to communicate what my NEEDS are, not wants or whims but actual NEEDS. So she has a history of not wanting to take care of me sexually and getting upset if I hint that I might want more then she's putting out. so use your judgment, I think it's some of the best material a wife can read if she genuinely loves her hubby and wants him to be happy and wants a great marriage. 

Good luck, you're clearly doing a lot and you've come more then half way. It's not too much to ask at all. Sexual intimacy is the very most basic thing that should exist between a husband and wife and shouldn't even have to be discussed. But I think many wives have been brought up in this feminist world where they've been trained to look down on men and their high sexuality. They've been taught that it's not important and do not understand it or the importance of it. Unfortunately we've been brought up in this same world too where it's ingrained in us to question our own natural needs and desires. There were times when I used to think 'am I asking too much'? But that's B.S., no we're not asking too much. We're men and we have basic physiological needs. We shouldn't be told to put those needs away and ignore them, pretending they don't exist.

And ladies, don't be mad, I'm generalizing when I say many women or many wives not all of you.


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## ButterflyKisses (Aug 30, 2010)

Woman here.
My H has agreed to hold off on the sex until we have some things ironed out - not saying that's right or wrong but he's willing.
I will admit I gained alot better insight on my H's need for sex by reading that thread though.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

kevsand718 said:


> Okay, I just responded to a post I posted the other day and it got me to thinking if my W and I are really meeting in the middle or if i am doing more to please her.
> 
> What I mean is an ugly thing came to the surface back in March. The ugly thing was her doing but I am told it takes 2 for it to have happened. Anyway Since that time I have made drastic changes on my part. We went to a counselor and I was told this ugly thing was caused by lack of communication by my W and me being to focused on business and not "noticing" my W needs needing to be met. So anyway as I told the counselor I would do anything / give up anything for my W. I have done this and then some. I have closed up my retail business, I brought my internet business to a crawl, I no longer use my home office, I use my laptop in a room we are both in so we are together. I help a lot more with the in house work. I get her a coffee every morning to start her day with. I do many things to let her know I love her and to let her know she is beautiful and I adore her. I would do anything for her. We go out on dinner dates every Friday night. Every Sunday she goes out with a friend to walk a few miles, chat and have coffee. I encourage her to get a pedicure / manicure once a month. I know there is more i just can't think of it right now.
> 
> Anyway I am not upset that I do any of these things because i love my wife and enjoy doing these things for her. However It just seems like a lot and now I feel unsatisfied with getting nothing in return. I mean I am left with a scar from this ugly thing, I gave up the things that made us money and gave me enjoyment. I have no hobbies anymore because they are "too expensive". I liked to shop for clothes for my wife but she no longer likes the clothes that i like. So now I can't buy her clothes. The only thing that i want, truly want is for the sexual intimacy between us. She says she has no sex drive. Nothing I do can get her aroused. I mean nothing and I posted about this already. I basically have to wait till a possibility that she is in the mood otherwise it seems one sided. I feel worthless. I just want the intimacy between us. is that too much to ask?


To me, you are a very good man. Your wife should be happy with you. I had said a sentence before: Infidelity is so common now, if a woman has a man who is faithful to her, she should serve him as her lord. 
I serve my husband like my lord. 
I have seen a lot of posts say that their wives have low sex drive. Like here, all of you guys' wives don't like to have sex. I don't know about other women. I can tell you reasons why I don't want to have sex.

1: Very bothered, hurt by people, can't calm down. 
2: stressed, a lot of pressure from work.
3: sick, taking medicine, medicine can cause problems. 
4: not happy with my life

I have overcome my problems because I want to be a happy woman and live a happy life. 
I never tried to starve my husband for sex since I enjoy sex so much. 

Wish all men and women understand their partners and fulfill their needs. 
Sometimes people are just selfish that they only notice what they don't have but don't notice what they have. They only want to fulfill their needs but not their partners'. They want people to be nice to them, but they don't need to be nice. Who gives them this kind of right to act silly?????


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## kevsand718 (Jun 3, 2010)

Ha, funny you mention that article. I sent the article to my wife a couple days ago and it didn't change a thing. I asked her what she thought of it if anything and all I got was "it's interesting" What am I suppose to make of that? I just don't get it. I must say that it is sad because I love this woman so much. We have been together 16 years, 10 of which married. We have 4 beautiful children and a happy home. I just wish we had the intimacy connection. It's all I want.. I feel like i'm a friend or something. We hug, kiss, hold hands but there is no sexual attraction to me.


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## candice912 (Sep 4, 2010)

Kevsand718, 
When I first read your question, I felt lost and wondered what this scar was. I went back and read some of your older posts (not all of them) but some things struck me. Maybe it will help you, well, I hope it will because I have felt the helpless painful rejection feeling you are having before. Okay, here is what struck me. You said that you two go on date night and you offer her an alcohol drink but she declines which is odd since she does with her friends. I smell the first fire! You also said that you guys discuss your children on date night. Second fire! You also said that she is worn out from all of the children and those 3 hours out on date night is all the free time. I think that talking about the kids is a huge libido killer on date night. What did you two discuss when you were dating? You don't have to tell me but tell her. The other thing is for date night, don't offer her a drink next time. Instead, go someplace new, order a bottle of champagne or wine with two glasses and tell her that tonight you two are celebrating just the two of you. If she says no thanks, get the bottle anyway and ask her to humor you for one night and at least have a toast. Personally, when i've been cooking, cleaning, feeling haggard and tired and my husband says I look pretty, it doesn't make me feel pretty or sexy at all. Of course I still want him to say I'm pretty, but I need something else to FEEL pretty and sexy. I need for him to treat me like we just met, like one of our first dates. Don't just take her to dinner, make her feel like she's lucky to have you, pull out her chair, take her coat, stand up when she comes to the table, get the door. I don't care if you don't see any other guys in the restaurant doing this. You escort her in the restaurant proud as a pea**** as if she's the queen of England. If you don't do this some other guy will do this for her. I know because my husband does it for me and I feel like a queen by the end. 

I know you are frustrated beyond belief right now, and feeling haggard yourself, but if you want results, don't give up just yet. Personally, I don't think your wife has a low libido. Don't explode yet, stay with me on this one...I did not say your wife made it up. She may believe that she has no drive anymore, but I'm telling you that I think her sex drive is just in hibernation right now and you have to wake her up. It's not that she has no sex drive, it's that she was hurt by you and that is why she will relax with her friends and have a drink, but not you. You have to make her feel relaxed with you. Have you ever watched her behavior with her friends? I ask, because I suspect that you are missing something huge. Her friends give her visibility and importance and that makes her relax and feel like having a drink, because she feels alive. She sounds dismissed with you, well that's what lead to the affair. She already gave you the answer, but you still aren't listening to her. Are you?She said she had sex with the guy from emotional affair, because he fulfilled her emotional needs. Yep, you need to be the one fullfilling those emotional needs of hers. She has already been wounded, so it is going to take extra effort and patience. Here is where to be careful...pay attention to every word your wife says and never interrupt her, then repeat it back to her, you can recap. Next ask her a question about what she just said. Be interested. The reason she tells you that she has no sex drive and wont let you buy clothes for her anymore (ahem, because you don't know what she likes anymore). I interrupted my own explanation, because her words are a big dart pointed at your forehead. The dart is "anymore". The reason she tells you this is just a wall to protect herself, because she feels really wounded. I'm not certain what you did to wound your wife, but you need to find out.Remember that there are two ways to wound somebody. First, you can wound them by taking something away(ignoring, forgetting). Two, you can wound them by giving them something (attacks, criticisms, blame, guilt). When you quoted her about sex, she sounded really wounded and faint. Give your wife back her voice, her spot as queen of your heart, and then you might get your wife back. Make it safe for her to come out from behind that big old wall from which she is hiding from you. Oh, while you are listening to your wife, if anyone else interrupts her, even the kids, you put a stop to it and defend your wife. Who ever it is, stop them and say, "excuse me, my wife was saying something important and I want to hear her." Can you see the dart yet? You made your wife queen long ago. Do it again today.


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