# Controlling with Money



## Nala051 (Jul 21, 2012)

Hello, I am new here and I stumbled across this website today while looking for some relationship advice. My boyfriend and I have been together for 11 years. We've been living together for 7 years and we have a child together. He tends to be quite dominant in our relationship - he expects me to do as he says with no question. Okay, I can deal with that because he doesn't ask me to do anything out of line. However, the thing that really bothers me is his need to control all of our money. We have joint accounts to pay all of our bills and expenses. I used to have a personal account too, but that's non-existant now. He does a good job at managing the money, but he keeps me out of it and leaves none leftover for me. For example, he gives me a hard time about simple things like cutting my hair a few times a year, while he cuts his hair every 3-4 weeks! I shouldn't feel bad about having to ask for money for normal things like that when I make more money than him! He won't even allow me to save up money on my own to buy christmas gifts. That all has to be done through him. I've tried taking to him about it many times, but he seems to get offended because he seems to think he's helping me by controlling everything. It's so frustrating to me to work so hard for my money, yet end up so powerless in the end. I need some advice!


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Open up your own account and start putting your money in it. You can tell him afterwards and make it a point to tell him that this is for you to control and you alone. You are not a child and do not need to be treated as such. Be sure to let him know that. You deserve to put a little spending money aside for yourself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Nala051 said:


> Hello, I am new here and I stumbled across this website today while looking for some relationship advice. My boyfriend and I have been together for 11 years. We've been living together for 7 years and we have a child together. He tends to be quite dominant in our relationship - he expects me to do as he says with no question. Okay, I can deal with that because he doesn't ask me to do anything out of line. However, the thing that really bothers me is his need to control all of our money. We have joint accounts to pay all of our bills and expenses. I used to have a personal account too, but that's non-existant now. He does a good job at managing the money, but he keeps me out of it and leaves none leftover for me. For example, he gives me a hard time about simple things like cutting my hair a few times a year, while he cuts his hair every 3-4 weeks! I shouldn't feel bad about having to ask for money for normal things like that when I make more money than him! He won't even allow me to save up money on my own to buy christmas gifts. That all has to be done through him. I've tried taking to him about it many times, but he seems to get offended because he seems to think he's helping me by controlling everything. * It's so frustrating to me to work so hard for my money, yet end up so powerless in the end. I need some advice!*




The part in bold is exactly why I have said ad nauseum , to every woman I know involved in a live in relationship with a man ,
*GET YOU OWN ACCOUNT, GET YOU OWN ACCOUNT,GET YOUR OWN ACCOUNT.*
Even if it means setting up a " secret account."
Your man/husband may be upset or angry if / when he finds out, but in the end it will help save his a$$.

To the OP, forget trying to reason.
Money represents POWER to a man.
He will never let go of YOUR MONEY even if you ask him nicely.
If you don't want to " rock the boat", too much , retain at least SOME OF YOUR MONEY and invest it.
You have a child and their future is at stake even if you cannot see it now.
Thank goodness you have a job and earn an income.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I'd be collecting my paycheck, cashing it, and putting a portion into the joint account and a portion into my own, or else insisting on an allowance that's purely mine to control. 

By not doing so, you're leaving yourself VERY vulnerable if your relationship should ever end.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

This is very bad news. My ex was like this. Horrible.

You are not married after 11 years, but live like you're married. That's all fine and good, but when shet hits the fan (if it does), you aren't protected and your money will be gone.

Get your own account. If he throws a fit about it, really question what you're doing with someone who is so controlling and wants a wife without making you his wife.


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

Your SO is treating you like a child, more than likely he sees you as one as well. 
I would stop the direct deposit into your joint account, open up a new account at a different bank & then give him money towards your joint bills ONLY after you've seen the account invoices or monthly statements.
Something tells me your SO is taking advantage of this situation & spending YOUR money on himself. 

There is NO way in hell that I would give all of my money to anyone & I sure as hell wouldn't let anyone dictate how I spend my money.
I have a father, I don't need my husband to dole out money to me like he was my father giving me an allowance.
Equal parter means equal say in how household expenses are paid & complete control of your own money.


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## Shiksa (Mar 2, 2012)

Besides his haircuts, how does he spend money for himself? Is he afraid if he doesn't have control over all the money that he won't have money for stuff he wants?

You are not married, its your money and IMO the bills should be split or a percentage of each person's paycheck put in a joint account and the rest is in control of the person who earned it. Are you sure he isn't putting money aside for himself in a secret account?

If he freaks out by you making changes in your financial contribution, that will give you an answer. Sounds like you are afraid of the answer.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

I guess my question is, why do you even have to post such a question? 

I'm guessing that you have lost (or never had) some self-esteem, b/c the answer to your problem is a serious "no brainer." He could not have taken control of your income w/o your consent. He cannot continue to control your income w/o your consent. Why would you need strangers on the Internet to tell you what is "ok" to do? 

Please consider what I have asked very carefully. Are there other ways in which he is controlling? Do you fear him? Are you so afraid of losing him (and thinking you'd never have anyone, if he left you), that you have permitted him to take and keep control? If so, you might really, really benefit from some counseling to understand why you do not see yourself as a prize HE has won, and a prize he should work every day to keep. You should feel that way about him, too. And yes, accepting the faults of those we love is one thing, but allowing them to have control, fearing to contradict them, being unwilling to value yourself MORE so that you don't stand for mistreatment--this makes a much stronger foundation for a relationship, b/c it is something you choose freely, not something you cling to out of fear.

But yeah, short answer: get your own account. God bless.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

KathyBatesel said:


> I'd be collecting my paycheck, cashing it, and putting a portion into the joint account and a portion into my own, or else insisting on an allowance that's purely mine to control.
> 
> By not doing so, you're leaving yourself VERY vulnerable if your relationship should ever end.












Seriously, get your own account. Save money, and I usually say honestly is the best policy, but I wouldn't give up any info unless asked.


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

1) Have you tried talking to him about this? And by talking to him about it I mean calmly and rationally. Without an accusatory or defensive way of introducing the topic?

2) Have you asked him why he feels he needs to do this? Is it possible he was in a relationship with someone who spent him into the poor house or something? Or that he has reason to think you might?

3) You make most of the money. You have a right to input in how it's spent. If he won't accept that, tell him you're just going to have sole decision-making over the money you earn. Period.

4) You NEED to have a bank account even if it's not used much. What if something happens and you break up with him?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Tell him this arrangement isn't working for you anymore. Explain that you will be opening an account and will start putting money in it for YOUR needs like haircuts and gifts. Tell him you will give him enough to cover your half of the living expenses and if he needs more HE can talk to YOU about it and you will happily consider his request.

Just say no to this rediculous arrangement.


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## Nala051 (Jul 21, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> Tell him this arrangement isn't working for you anymore. Explain that you will be opening an account and will start putting money in it for YOUR needs like haircuts and gifts. Tell him you will give him enough to cover your half of the living expenses and if he needs more HE can talk to YOU about it and you will happily consider his request.
> 
> Just say no to this rediculous arrangement.


Sorry it took me a while to reply, the internet has been crappy at my house lately. I talked to him about it on Saturday. I told him that I would be putting a small portion of my paycheck into my personal account. (I can't do it secretly because I am on a salary and he would notice the missing $) As expected, he got upset and we started fighting. He just was not getting it. I didn't talk to him for the rest of the day. Finally, yesterday he told me that he was thinking about our fight and he said that I should be able to have money to do things for myself. So, things seem to be better now. 

Thank you guys so much for your help. Next paycheck I get, the first thing I'm going to do is put that money into my account!


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## Nala051 (Jul 21, 2012)

that_girl said:


> If he throws a fit about it, really question what you're doing with someone who is so controlling and wants a wife without making you his wife.


I've been thinking about this. We've been together 11 years and still not married. He says that he wants to marry me, but he "doesn't know how to be married" because everyone in his family has had really bad marriages. He used his mom as an example. Honestly, her life is pretty screwed up, but that's because she constantly makes bad decisions, not because of marriage, so that's a bs excuse to me. He also said that he'll take care of me and our daughter the same whether we are married or not, so why should marriage matter? So, yeah, I'm not really happy with his reasoning, but I don't want to force him to marry me either.


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## anony2 (Apr 28, 2012)

Pfft. My ex was like this also. He told me that I couldn't get a job unless it paid 10+ an hour (as in it was NOT ALLOWED). In the country where I lived, 10+ an hour did not happen for women back then, so he was trying to prevent me from getting a job. 

I went and got my CNA and found out that I COULD get a job that paid less than $10 and I was happy with it...but he wasn't. He griped and complained because I wasn't at his beck and call but yet, he wanted the money from my job to go into the bank account, which was fine, until I found out that he wasn't paying the bills which he claimed to be paying when he took out the money.


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