# If I tell him what to do, it isn't genuine....is it?



## Sjm5110 (Sep 29, 2017)

My hubby and I have sex probably once a month and I don't like it. I know he watches porn and I'm okay with that but, am I wrong for thinking maybe he should want to be with me too? It's getting unbearable, it isn't just sex it is me feeling wanted/desired like when we were dating. I can't remember the last time he looked at me with a sparkle in his eye. I don't understand why things have to change in terms of excitement in everything from morning conversation to having a drink together...

If I express this to him, the changes that follow won't be genuine, it'll be a lie. And I'd rather suffer than to know he's faking his affection/attention for me. 

I don't know what to do or think.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

You need to readjust your thinking. Sometimes we get so set in our ways and how we do things that we become too comfortable. Having someone point out that things have to change is not bad ...it can lead to good things...I don't look at it as if he is pretending...i look at it as if he is making an effort....different tone.

But you can stay silent and be miserable all you want, it wouldn't change things.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

He can't read your mind. So what other options than talking to him about the issue do you have? Are you saying he doesn't know about the disconnect you feel? If he doesn't, how do you expect him to figure it out?


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Is he watching porn and turning your down for sex? That is a not uncommon but very serious issue that is worth addressing. Or is there just no "spark" when you are intimate?


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## Sjm5110 (Sep 29, 2017)

uhtred said:


> Is he watching porn and turning your down for sex? That is a not uncommon but very serious issue that is worth addressing. Or is there just no "spark" when you are intimate?


He isn't turning me down; the spark...uh its still a little there if that makes sense. 
I guess I do need to just tell him about it.


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## Sjm5110 (Sep 29, 2017)

brooklynAnn said:


> You need to readjust your thinking. Sometimes we get so set in our ways and how we do things that we become too comfortable. Having someone point out that things have to change is not bad ...it can lead to good things...I don't look at it as if he is pretending...i look at it as if he is making an effort....different tone.
> 
> But you can stay silent and be miserable all you want, it wouldn't change things.



Yes, I think you're right about this. I didn't look at it that way, thanks.


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## Sjm5110 (Sep 29, 2017)

Faithful Wife said:


> He can't read your mind. So what other options than talking to him about the issue do you have? Are you saying he doesn't know about the disconnect you feel? If he doesn't, how do you expect him to figure it out?


I have told him we need more time together and that I feel invisible but nothing has happened. He doesn't address the issue and I don't want to seem needy, etc. 

But you guys ARE RIGHT. I need to let him know how I feel. In a way I just don't understand how he doesn't realize things are so different between us. 

When we were dating EVERYTHING was a fun adventure with a lot of 'physical time'. We were always laughing and having fun with everything we did. Now we don't smile or sit next to each other, sometimes I'll stay out a little later to see if he misses me and I promise I could be gone a whole week and he wouldn't care. 

Okay okay I'll stop grumbling and just talk to him about it but....but what happened to him always wanting to be with me and us laughing, etc. :crying:


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

Sjm5110 said:


> He isn't turning me down


Do you actually initiate? The once a month, who starts that?

I get the wanting to desired. Post menopause my wife basically never initiates. That used to bug me but she also never turns me down. So I’ve come to accept that if I want sex I have to make it happen.

That being said, how often does he view porn? It is a potential huge red flag.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I am going to sound pretty sexist here but I am categorizing this into male and female roles to make a point. 

Women want men to somehow just instinctively "know" the right buttons to push and how to push them. And they tend to think that if the men aren't instinctively pushing the right buttons that that must mean they don't love them or that they aren't any good or that they aren't the right match for them. 

Men on the other hand tend to think that if things are moving along business-as-usual and nothing is getting dent, bent or broke and as long as no one is complaining or saying anything - that that must mean every is hunky dory and they just keep on doing what they are doing. 

So from his point of view- 

- you know he is spanking to porn and you aren't complaining about it so everything must be ok. 

- in a man's mind, if he is getting any kind of regular sex AT ALL, he must be doing something right and he doesn't want to rock the boat and possibly lose what he has now. It's when the sex spigot gets shut off that men take notice and realize something is wrong. 

- he only makes love to you once a month and you don't say anything the other 29 days of the month so he figures things are ok. 

- he only needs to talk to you when something needs to be said and he can talk to you like any ol' person off the street and you are still in the house and are still having sex with him regularly so you must be ok with it and there for why put in any more effort?

To sum it all up from a man's perspective - if nothing bad is happening and no one is complaining about the status quo........then the status quo is all good.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

So let's apply that to your situation. 

Since you aren't saying anything about and everything is seemingly going along well for him and he is getting regular poontang - then in his mind, everything is fine and dandy. 

If you were to let things build up and build up until one day you blow a gasket and pack your stuff and hand him divorce papers, he will just be another one of these countless men that thought everything was just fine until he was shocked and "blindsided" by another "Walk-Away-Wife."

But here is the crux and what will be both of you two's biggest challenges, and that is to wake him up out of his fog and get him to realize that he needs to make a fundamental change in how he interrelates with you.

Hints will go right over his head. Just mentioning it once or twice will be attributed to you having a bad day or possibly having some PMS or something. 

Just mentioning it a number of times will be chalked up to whining or nagging or riding his arse. He may make a little change for a few days or a week or two and then will backslide back into his old habits. 

To get his attention fully, you are probably going to have to blow something up or do something that radically changes his view of how the marriage is or changes his lifestyle. 

If there is any good news here it is that this is one of the very few things that marriage counseling and therapy can actually help. 

My recommendation is to find a reputable MC in your area and schedule an appointment. Then with a stone-cold face and dead-serious tone to your voice, get his undivided attention and tell him the ol' "We-Need-To-Have-A-Talk."

Then tell him that you are seriously dissatisfied with the status quo and that you will no longer live way and something needs to be done about it or you will be at wit's end and can no longer guarantee you will remain in the relationship. 

Tell him that you have scheduled the MC and that the two of you can either attend MC and work together to make the changes needed for you to remain in the marriage -

- or that you need some "time and space to think about it to decide your next move," which will possibly involve you separating to give each of you time and space to think of how each of you would like to proceed.

Then if he refuses MC or does not participate fully..........then actually follow through and move out and decide from there where you want to go with things. 

But the think is you can not do this as a manipulation or tactic to get him to do what you want. This has to be for real. 

If he truly won't lift a finger to address your needs, or if he is cool with you moving out - then you know where you stand, so you might as well follow through and move on with your own life.


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## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

oldshirt said:


> *I am going to sound pretty sexist here *but I am categorizing this into male and female roles to make a point.
> 
> *Yup, you got that right.
> *
> ...


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

oldshirt said:


> I am going to sound pretty sexist here but I am categorizing this into male and female roles to make a point.
> 
> Women want men to somehow just instinctively "know" the right buttons to push and how to push them. And they tend to think that if the men aren't instinctively pushing the right buttons that that must mean they don't love them or that they aren't any good or that they aren't the right match for them.
> 
> ...


This is how a person with very low EQ would live. 

OP over here we have an agreement that if there is a significant drop in our sexual frequency then it is a major trigger point for a discussion on what is going on. A major change in frequency should be an indicator of problems even to the dimmest of people.

My guess is that your husband is selfish and not of the highest EQ level. Lay it out to him and tell him exactly what you have said here. If he genuinely loves you then the changes he makes to move back to being how you were before as a couple will be genuine.


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## Sjm5110 (Sep 29, 2017)

CharlieParker said:


> Do you actually initiate? The once a month, who starts that?
> 
> I get the wanting to desired. Post menopause my wife basically never initiates. That used to bug me but she also never turns me down. So I’ve come to accept that if I want sex I have to make it happen.
> 
> That being said, how often does he view porn? It is a potential huge red flag.


He says he watches it about once a month but, I know that isn't true. 
Only I initiate and it doesn't make me feel good. He does work hard and comes home tired; and has basically told me that really we just need to have sex on the weekends. But we're 27, I know women who's guys also work hard and want it twice a day. We eat super healthy so I know he doesn't have a dysfunction of any kind. I get a vibe from him that he doesn't want to have sex with me :'( 

I'm scared he doesn't want me anymore (what younger man can go so long without it when they have a willing woman?) and to make it worst I get really excited when other men give me attention (smiles, looks me in the eye, says I'm pretty, etc.) whether or not I find them attractive. 

UGH I know I have just got to let him know all this. At the same time he never opens up to me about anything, which is why I feel disconnected from him. I don't want to give too much and he give nothing in return. 
I know in marriage we should be beyond this point but....

I just have to talk to him.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

What a terrible shame that people stop dating after getting married.

I think that is one of the most horrible things can happen to a marriage.
Taking each other for granted after getting married.

It is human nature, but doesn't make it good. People (all of us including me) need to wake up
And realize more what a wonderful gift and how serious marriage should be treated.

Is there anything much worse than a stale marriage?
And almost always our own fault.

He needs a kick in the head!


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

jorgegene said:


> What a terrible shame that people stop dating after getting married.
> 
> I think that is one of the most horrible things can happen to a marriage.
> Taking each other for granted after getting married.
> ...


*Don't kick him in the head ~ kick him squarely in the a$$!*


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

What I think is that the married women I know who cheated listed not feeling desirable or attractive anymore as their prime reason. Their husbands took them for granted and like many today, live their sex lives online. Much easier and you can get into any kinky thing you want on any given day. 

I make my wife feel like the sexiest woman in the world and she is 65. I have always been that way despite living in poly triad and not being strictly monogamous. Today I gave her a nice hour long full body massage. I learned to massage as a night school a very long time ago. My wife has to chase me away most days and giggles when she sees the reaction I have to anything she does to tease me.

Another reason I heard was that the hubby never wanted to go out with them like when they were dating. They want to occasionally put on their best makeup, sexy dress and nice jewelry for a night on the town or even a nice restaurant. I have read a lot about how the current generation has less sex than mine. We had to go out and meet girls if we wanted sex or even something to think about when we masturbated since there was no cable TV or internet to even see an image of naked girls much less naked girls having sex.

Now guys do not have to go out to meet girls. It is far easier to masturbate to porn. No shower, shaving or getting all dressed up. The best part is that you can pretend you are doing any fetish that you feel like on a given day. Also no one to have to bring to orgasm other than themselves. No worrying about premature ejaculation or getting and maintaining erections. Also no more of the same sex over and over again as often happens in a marriage. 

Men keep needing more and more extreme images to get aroused over time. That causes two problems in a married sex life. First is that the hubby no longer wants sex with his wife like he used to. Once a month is good enough. The wife starts to fell that she is no longer attractive or sexually desirable. Every time she asks for sex, odds are that hubby had already masturbated that day or had done so all week that he just was not horny for regular sex.

This brings me to the second problem. Over time men need more and more stimulus to get aroused so that watching regular sex no longer excites them, both online and in real life. Online they can imagine all sorts of fetish play as the mood strikes them. Many men do have fetishes. Just look around the internet and find all the husbands complaining that their wives would not try their fetish. My wife did which is why we are still married for 45 years. 

Sex in marriage does get routine. The same things in the same order. You both know which buttons to press on each other and in what order to press them. Married sex is nice and comfortable but not as exciting as what you can imagine doing online. Your hubby needs to want to stop watching porn all the time. Porn desensitizes men to the type of sex most married people have. You also need to spice up your sex life. He has seen things that aroused him and simple intercourse or oral sex might not float his boat anymore. 

In my marriage we simply tried different fetishes and were not exactly monogamous all the time. I am not pushing my lifestyle, just trying to say that if your hubby finds sex with you to be just nice and not exciting anymore, you need to try things to spice it up. You do not have to bring others into it. For the last 5 years we have been monogamous but into a fetish that we both enjoy. In fact, for the first time my wife is more into it than I am. Sometimes we indulged each other's sexual fantasies even if we were not into them. Just try his fantasy once a month and all the other times have regular sex. Sexual kinks are things we want to do but a fetish is something we have to do.If not it gnaws as you. Look no further than the internet to see the millions of men with unfulfilled fetishes and how unhappy they are with their married sex life. I am lucky. My wife is game for anything at least for a short time. I have no sexual need, fantasy or fetish that has not been fulfilled and I had some crazy ones. 

Talk to hubby. Without being judgmental ask him what you can do to make sex exciting enough to stop masturbating to porn all the time. It is amazing how many couples are afraid to talk to each other about sexual fetishes or needs. They rather live unhappily than do so. Great communication makes for great sex. My wife and I share each other's sexual wants and needs all the time and sometimes we can merge what she likes with what I like and do that for a few years until it becomes boring again. Then we find something new and start all over again.

Sex produces the hormone Oxytocin which emotionally bonds a couple together. Without frequent doses of it, an emotional bond does not form strong enough to want you to have sex more often or feel intimate with each other. You can sit back and let watch your sex life die or do something. I know that I confessed about my excessive masturbating when I started to watch porn a few years ago. I made my wife a promise that I would not masturbate if she would meet me half way on how often I needed sex. I have not masturbated in 5 years and I still watch porn but save the arousal for my wife. Talk to him. Make him feel comfortable telling you about his sexual needs. What unfortunately happens many times is that one of the spouses, usually the husband, gets bored with vanilla sex no matter how sexy his wife is. Look at some of the hot celebrity men and women who have spouses that cheat on them and get bored with their sex life. Any good thing repeated constantly gets boring and boredom is the enemy of a good married sex life. Do something so that it is not boring anymore. My wife even watched porn with me to see what turned me on. She could not do what the paid porn stars did in many cases but she did enough to make me happy and content. Give it a try.


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## Sjm5110 (Sep 29, 2017)

Vinnydee said:


> What I think is that the married women I know who cheated listed not feeling desirable or attractive anymore as their prime reason. Their husbands took them for granted and like many today, live their sex lives online. Much easier and you can get into any kinky thing you want on any given day.
> 
> I make my wife feel like the sexiest woman in the world and she is 65. I have always been that way despite living in poly triad and not being strictly monogamous. Today I gave her a nice hour long full body massage. I learned to massage as a night school a very long time ago. My wife has to chase me away most days and giggles when she sees the reaction I have to anything she does to tease me.


Thank you for that, it was very insightful. 
I will talk to him about what his sexual fantasies are. 

I was under the impression that I was kinkier than him and have more fantasies. He likes sex but it has always been a little more traditional than my version of sex lol....however I am so turned on by just him that I have always been more than happy to tone it down in that department. 

I have brought the topic up to him again. He says he doesn't know how to focus on husband and dad and give me attention/affection/more sex; also he doesn't know exactly what I mean by more attention. 

After those responses I need a few days to calm down-I think they were ridiculous responses. However, given I don't really want to step out on him (nor him step out on me!) I will be as patient as possible and explain probably in a few days. 

Thank you again! This site is a great resource to understanding different perspectives and awesome advice.


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## Saibasu (Nov 3, 2016)

Maybe you shouldn't be ok with the porn. You said that you know he is doing it more than once a month, and you said that you have to initiate sex once a month. Why does he want to watch porn more frequently than have sex with his wife? That's not normal. That's a red flag. If he has a low drive, then he shouldn't be shooting one off in the bathroom when he has a wanting wife out there, begging to have more sex and intimacy. 

I'm not the norm on here, that's for sure, but for me porn is a HELL NO. I'm here, I'm willing,I'm adventurous and kinky as hell, so there should be no compulsion for a man in my life to sit behind a screen and watch other people screw. At least that's my opinion  I've dealt with so much crap in my marriage because of it.

If your ok with porn? Great. But are you ok knowing he wants it more than you? That doesn't seem right. You deserve intimate attention, hes a grown a$$ man so he knows what you mean. Tell him what you need,and dont be shy about it.

Cheers! X


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## David51 (Sep 12, 2017)

Sjm5110 said:


> My hubby and I have sex probably once a month and I don't like it. I know he watches porn and I'm okay with that but, am I wrong for thinking maybe he should want to be with me too? It's getting unbearable, it isn't just sex it is me feeling wanted/desired like when we were dating. I can't remember the last time he looked at me with a sparkle in his eye. I don't understand why things have to change in terms of excitement in everything from morning conversation to having a drink together...
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Reading all these replys make the cure to your ailing marrige seem so complicated. 
What kind of porn is he watching? Why can't you and he explore his fantasy's together? I'd love it if my wife would do that with me. Seems so much easier than a marriage counselor.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Sjm5110 said:


> If I express this to him, the changes that follow won't be genuine, it'll be a lie. And I'd rather suffer than to know he's faking his affection/attention for me.


Relationships are built on trust and communication. 

I assume you would likely want the credit card companies to automatically lower your interest rates? If you called them and asked, any lower rate as a result might be because they are afraid of loosing your business which you would just rather suffer a higher interest rate than have them be afraid of you.

Now obviously your relationship with your husband is not a business relationship, but come on? How can you have a relationship in which you refuse to communicate? Some men just don't get it, unless you point it out to them, draw a diagram or two, and then review about once a week.

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Sjm5110 said:


> Thank you for that, it was very insightful.
> *I will talk to him about what his sexual fantasies are.*
> 
> I was under the impression that* I was kinkier than him and have more fantasies. He likes sex but it has always been a little more traditional than my version of sex* lol....however I am so turned on by just him that I have always been more than happy to tone it down in that department.
> ...


 a few thoughts. Talk to your husband and then LISTEN to what he says. Believe what he tells you. 

If he doesn't know how to balance, husband, father, lover, trust him that he doesn't know how to balance those things. This tread is titled "If I tell him what to do, it isn't genuine...." If he honestly doesn't know how to make you happy or what will make you feel loved and cherished, why play an adult version of 20 questions and frustrate him for trying. Talk to him, tell him what it is that you need emotionally from him. Don't try to force him, but do tell him.

One of the things I learned in a Gottman, Art and Science of Love weekend training course was that to negotiate with a spouse on a gridlock issue, they recommend that you know and understand your spouse's reasons for not wanting to do something so well that you can explain their reasons better than they can. What the Gottmans were really trying to say is that before you try to negotiate a grid lock issue you need to have talked to your spouse and really closely listened to them to the point that you understand their "reality." You have to accept their reality and understand it so that you can offer suggestions or negotiate things that are along the edges of what they can do in a way that they may be able to accept.

Good luck.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

I've been married for quite some time, and I will freely admit that I still have this exact issue. The "but I want you to WANT to do it" issue. For us, it's not necessarily about sex, it's just my ingrained response to any problem I have with my husband. 

I feel that the action is somehow ingenuine if I had to ask for it. 

I still feel that way, even if my logical brain knows that I have to make myself abundantly clear and plain to get what I want, and that it is right and good for me to advocate for myself. 

For me, it boils down to a self esteem issue. If you really reflect inward, would you say the same about yourself? It is the voice in my head that tells me I am not worth the effort (clearly that's why he's not doing X, right?), or that I am the stereotypical nagging wife if I ask for something, and that would make me even more unattractive than I already must be! 

I still get caught in this type of thinking. And when people would say "Men don't get it" and make X,Y,Z excuse about how men can't read minds, I would think it was such a load of BS. I would think to myself, it's not that they don't KNOW, it's that they don't CARE. 

It's destructive thinking, though. They really don't know unless you tell them. 

Sent from my SM-N920V using Tapatalk


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## Sjm5110 (Sep 29, 2017)

kag123 said:


> I've been married for quite some time, and I will freely admit that I still have this exact issue. The "but I want you to WANT to do it" issue. For us, it's not necessarily about sex, it's just my ingrained response to any problem I have with my husband.
> 
> I feel that the action is somehow ingenuine if I had to ask for it.
> 
> ...


This is very much what is wrong with my thinking. While dating I never had to think like this, am not quite sure why I have to do it while married. But it is true in terms of my thinking. 

I don't want to be that stereotypical nagging wife. 

The just of what I'm getting from everyone is communication and patience. 

...is there a way to UPDATE a post on this forum? He and I are in the process of talking about it.

and thank you.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Thank you for talking to him.

I can not read my wife's mind. I do try , but sometimes she does not communicate, or maybe the problem is me. She does not like to talk about sexual things.

I would love it, if she shared what i am doing right, or wrong and if she is open to other things. She has told me that she does not like anything other than the missionary position.

She does not like me to give her pleasure or go down on her. Maybe I did that wrong, but she seemed to enjoy it, just felt guilty about it afterwards.

hope you keep talking. I will keep trying, but sometimes, it feels like check the box, got that off the list. 

Good luck to you. tell your H that he should be happy to not have duty sex or pity sex. tell him how lucky he is to get the communication.


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## Tony Conrad (Oct 7, 2013)

Porn is mental adultery in my book. No wonder there are problems.


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## flowersandsun (Sep 23, 2017)

I told my husband no more porn watching, i need your attention - to me its like a 3rd person in our marriage...he agreed it wasn't the best use of his time ...so you never know, just ask him and see if he's willing to change that activity and focus on you and perhaps initiating more...


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## drewg350 (Oct 14, 2017)

How old is your husband ??? I only ask because I was very similar until I went to the doctor and found out I had "Low T". With Low T, I lost all "feelings". I could really give a **** about my wife. Sure, I'd have sex once in awhile, and still masterbate, but it wasn't something I really yearned for. My wife said I was "stone cold, showed no emotion, and had zero empathy". I didn't know what my problem was, and I really didn't think I had a problem. But than I noticed changes in my body fat, penis size, and testicles. I also noticed my erections weren't real good either. I went to the doctor and they ran tests. I had below 100 MG's or basically no testosterone. Within a month of TRT, everything changed. I had "feelings" again, my penis and balls were back, and my priorities for my wife changed. We are both just starting over, and putting years of hurt behind us. I'm a new man and feeling like my old self. Just something to consider if he's in his 30's.


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## David Darling (Oct 22, 2016)

jorgegene said:


> What a terrible shame that people stop dating after getting married.
> 
> I think that is one of the most horrible things can happen to a marriage.
> Taking each other for granted after getting married.
> ...


This should be posted as a sticky!


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## drewg350 (Oct 14, 2017)

Tony Conrad said:


> Porn is mental adultery in my book. No wonder there are problems.


Dude, you're not serious are you ??? "porn is Mental Adultery" ??? Do you think if your wife used a vibrator on herself while masterbating that that's "battery operated plastic adultery" ???

I definitely think porn can be an issue if it's replacing your need for sex and your spouse/GF/BF feels neglected (which very well might be the case in this ops situation). But Cmon. My wife knows I watch porn and has no problem with it at all. My sex drive is really high. I'll have sex with my wife almost daily, and still get myself off 2, 3, 4, 5 times extra that day. Her sex drive isn't anywhere near as high as mine and I drive her absolutely crazy if I don't get off alot. I'm a "walking hard on". She prefers I take care of myself several times a day rather than chase her around the house nonstop. I don't expect her to fulfill my sexual needs several times a day. I'm happy she's now willing to have sex almost every day. My refractory period, even after getting off several times, is usually only a few minutes. Many times I'll get off, feel I'm done or had enough, and a couple of minutes later, I'm rock hard again. So I'll go another round. This can repeat itself several times, especially if I'm just sitting around and have nothing to do. So porn can be a useful tool. I don't look at porn and than get turned on. By the time I even consider looking at porn, I'm already horny and looking for release.


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## Tony Conrad (Oct 7, 2013)

Sjm5110 said:


> My hubby and I have sex probably once a month and I don't like it. I know he watches porn and I'm okay with that but, am I wrong for thinking maybe he should want to be with me too? It's getting unbearable, it isn't just sex it is me feeling wanted/desired like when we were dating. I can't remember the last time he looked at me with a sparkle in his eye. I don't understand why things have to change in terms of excitement in everything from morning conversation to having a drink together...
> 
> If I express this to him, the changes that follow won't be genuine, it'll be a lie. And I'd rather suffer than to know he's faking his affection/attention for me.
> 
> I don't know what to do or think.


Of course the porn is having an effect. It is a kind of mental adultery that he even may be addicted to. Our sexual drive should always be directed towards our wives. That is part of faithfulness. Playing around is easy but there are very difficult consequences in disengaging when you want or need to.


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