# What does seperation mean?



## Sunshine2013 (Aug 20, 2013)

My husband and I have agreed to separate for awhile. We have been having issues with him talking to and hanging out with his ex-wife. We fight all the time about it and when I get upset that he has seen her or talked to her he says I am crazy. Friday night I tried to read him some of the replies I got from this forum on a different post and he went ballistic. So I stopped ready and tore up the paper and then I was just being immature. So we didn't talk all weekend to each other and yesterday I decided to separate and told him I was moving out. I have been bringing up separating for several weeks and he always seemed real sad and hurt. Now he seems ok with it, but I am wondering if he is ok with it because he thinks that being separated he can do whatever he wants. I have never been separated before so I am not sure what I am supposed to do and not do. Any advice?


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Yeah, Separating is mostly used to do what ever you want and have your spouse sitting waiting. 

THis is a good read if you have not already: 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Separation means whatever you want it to mean - unless you discuss and agree on the terms and conditions. Essentially, there are two types, IMO. 

The first is a temporary time apart to reflect on the relationship and get some clarity about what each wants to do about it. Terms and conditions are defnitely needed here - such as agreeing to not see (or stop seeing) anyone else in a dating/romantic sense. There should be a time set when you get back together to discuss your insights and decisions.

The second is a separation on the way to divorce, without any expectation of getting back together. There are few if any mutual rules here, unless there are children in which case visitation and support must be worked out, and any common financial issues that will last until the divorce or other agreement is reached. You're both free to see whoever you want and do pretty much whatever you want.


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

I personally view separation as a prelude to a divorce. It makes no sense to be apart when you are having problems, as you need to work though the problems together. Kind of hard to do when you are living apart. I have seen very few "temporary" separations that ended up with a better marriage.

Separation should be the time you get yourself squared away and ready for life without your partner. Take care of all the mandatory paperwork, work through your emotions, and reflect on your relationship as you what you could have done better. Hopefully at the end of it all, you come out a better person with a greater self awareness and ready to face the rest of your life.

Don't do it with any expectation that he will change. Work on you and move forward with your life.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Whatever you do, don't assume he has the same understanding and expectations about what a separation means as you do. If you have concerns about something, bring it up and clarify it. For example, seeing other people. If its not discussed, either spouse makes their own decision about what's appropriate and behaves as they like. Based on your husbands actions so far, you'd be foolish to assume he's not going to talk (or more) with his ex. 

To me, separation is a limbo state moving towards divorce, unless there's an active plan that both parties agree on and work towards. But separating and hoping the relationship fairies will magically fix things... Not likely to happen. Even if you do decide to get back together because you miss each other, the issues that caused the separation in the first place still need to be dealt with. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I believe too separation is a preclude to divorce.

Everyone I know that separated eventually divorced.

Either you are committed on fixing the problem or you aren't.

And doing this to get someone to change rarely works.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

I separated, twice, once for a month and once for nearly three years, but we've worked it out. So don't assume that separation = divorce. With that said, separations usually happen because the couple is heading towards divorce, so yes, most separations lead to divorce. The idea is that a separation is supposed to be used only in certain circumstances where a couple needs time apart to focus on their own issues individually without judgement, and maybe to gain some perspective on what a divorce might look like.

The problem is when one of the spouses is already involved with someone else. I don't know to what degree your husband is involved with his ex-wife, but certainly it is at an unhealthy level, no doubt. I'd guess it is at least an EA. So you are concerned that he'll see a separation as being ok to do whatever he wants to do, and he very well may see it that way.

As "Married but Happy" said, the separation can be anything you want it to be. At the very least, I'd suggest going to MC and drafting a Separation agreement that you both agree to sign. and the MC can sign as a witness. Heck you can even get it notarized for legal purposes. (though it's value in a court room would still be questioned) In it, you go into detail over what the rules are while apart and dictate how you will manage the household. Who will pay the bills? Who will live where? How much contact will you be allowed to have with each other? Will you set times for seeing each other or going to MC? Will you be allowed to see other people? (This is a trick question. If you allow this, then just forget about saving the marriage right now.) What will you share with friends/family if asked about the marriage/spouse? What other expectations will there be? (Like going to IC, agreeing not to use porn, agreeing to not have contact with certain individuals, who will perform certain important tasks, etc.)

Granted, such agreements are only as strong as the people who enter into them, but writing them and signing them can still help make it a tougher line for untrustworthy spouses to cross. That, and is can help make a clear designation if someone were to break a rule. Like if you see him texting her on your cell phone bill and point it out to him, he could try to argue that you never said he couldn't, but then you'd have it written on that document on which he signed that excplicitly states "NO CONTACT". If need be, you could put an emergency exception on there, but require that the emergency exception would require that you be contacted and the nature of the emergency be explained to you once it has calmed down.

("Like you can have no contact with your ex-wive of any kind. The exception is if there is an emergency of some kind involving your daughter, in which case you must contact me within 12 hours to explain the nature of the emergency. If it is a personal "emergency" of your ex's, then we can send her a message together today asking her to not contact you for any reason outside of an emergency involving your daughter. Otherwise, she should be expected to handle her own problems without you.")

In your case, it's a tough situation. He is clearly emotionally invested in his ex, and she has more or less made it clear that she'd love to win him back. He may very well be more tempted to take it further in a separation when he doesn't have to deal with you being there to ask where he is going or was. I honestly have a hard time seeing him use the separation time the way it is intended to be used, just from what I have read from your posts.

Lastly... yeah I wouldn't read him these responses. While all of our comments on your posts are 3rd party perspectives from individuals not involved in the situation (good!) you have to remember that our perspectives are written based on only your side of the story and are thus biased to that effect (bad!), so he likely won't want to hear them if he has a different opinion of the situation, which I'm sure he does.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Or him txting his ex wife could be he and his wife finally deciding to work on their marriage again, which did come first. It all gets so messy... 

~ sammy


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