# Caught wife in EA a month ago, now more shady behavior??? Help!!!



## NeoGeo (Nov 3, 2010)

Hi folks, I don't know where else to turn, since I have been advised "the less people you tell, the less people you'll have to explain things too"

My wife and I just celebrated our ten year anniversary in August. We started dating in high school. Nothing extraordinarily wrong with our marriage, pretty good with the occasional spat over money, etc. We have a 4 year old son and a 3 year old daughter.

A few weeks ago, I catch her over at another man's house at 10 PM. I check the phone records, and sure enough they have been calling and texting very secretive-like for several weeks. So definately a emotional affair. Was it sexual? I dont know and probably never will. I give her several chances to come clean, and when she doesn't, I get furious. (I got all the phone records unbeknownst to her).

So anyway, long story short, she downplays everything, admits nothing until I bust her on it and tell her I have the phone records. Then she says they were just friends and maybe some flirty texting. OM is a divorced guy with 2 kids, and I had a hunch that he liked her.

To her credit, she cut off all contact with the OM and apologized profusely. But I just can't forgive her! Argghh!!!

Fast forward, we have gone to marriage counseling and we've talked about communication. I'm not a good communicator, I'll admit. But dammit, I'm a good husband, father, and provider. I refuse to be blamed here, and she barely admits any wrongdoing. Only when the counselor asks her if it was inappropriate she says yes. 

It's been a few weeks since we went to counseling. Tonight, she is on Facebook. I walk up and she closes down a chat window with her boss. Background on her boss, he's 10 years older, married, Dentist - not a prime candidate for an affair, but they do chat in the evenings after work. Whatever. He has a history of cheating, which she told me about a long time ago. So I still have my suspicions.

So when she closes down the chat window, I get pissed! I sling her wine glass across the room (away from her of course) and it shatters into a thousand pieces. Wrong move, I know, but she it has been less than a month since all this went down, and now she is acting shady, hiding chat windows and such??? I am pissed!

We have a heated argument, and she can't believe I am acting this way. Like I'm crazy or something. I tell her to put herself in my shoes. But wait, she has no idea how much she has hurt me, or how she has destroyed my trust. NO IDEA.

I tell her I want her to delete her Facebook acct. I tell her she is not allowed to go on a work trip out of town (next weekend), unless someone else will be there besides her and him . She still thinks I am acting crazy and she can't believe I would think something is going on between her and her boss. I tell her, you have a history of cheating and so does he. She still says it wasn't cheating, she had no physical involvement with the OM. She can't believe I am accusing her of this.

She makes me feel like I am crazy, but I know I'm not!!! I have phone records, and the counselor who agrees with me that her relationship was inappriopriate.

If there weren't kids involved, I'd be gone, seriously. I won't put up with this sh$t. But the kids make everything so complicated. How can I rip apart our family? Or how could she have done this? Help, what am I to do?


----------



## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Set up a polygraph. If she refuses, you know she fd this other guy. Most likely she will confess. The question is, whether you are strong enough to deal with it? She cheated.


----------



## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Keylogger the computer. Google "Spectro Pro".

She probably was physical with the OM.

A polygraph may be of use too.


----------



## marga88 (Jun 17, 2010)

Your wife maybe bored to death, but that is not a reason to cheat. But until when can you go on not trusting her? it can be really exhausting and can affect your family. it's either you work things out or just leave her. don't let the burden be on your shoulder, tell her if she's not going to change, she's out of there.


----------



## Corkey88 (Sep 16, 2010)

You need to sit her down and ask her honestly, does she want to be in this marriage or not? She needs to answer this question honestly - look into her eyes when she does. 

If she says yes, there are some things that must be done and done without exception:

1. Facebook account is deleted or you also get access to her account. You get the username and password and you give her yours as well. Deleting it is a better option - FB is just one big meat market for married people and otherwise to hook up with old flames. If you have an inkling to cheat, FB makes it oh so easy.

2. You get to see her cell phone, anytime, anywhere..no exceptions. Complete and total transparency. The secrets and lies are over if you ever want to trust her again. 

3. No more contact with the OM! If she ever contacts him again, in any fashion, you will file for divorce. 

Just remember, you won't regain her respect by throwing things. You will by telling her that she comes back to this relationship on your terms....you set the limits. You will not be treated like a piece of crap and if she wants to do that, you file for divorce, petition for full custody of the kids, and tell her friends and relatives about what she did just so they know why this family is falling apart.


----------



## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

Perhaps i'm ole school, but if i catch my wife over another man's house at 10pm, i don't need anyone to confirm if she's cheating or not, because i will assume the worst his happening. To me there is boundaries of a marriage, and being over some guys house that i don't know anything about is a clear violatoin. Then with the shady stuff on top of that... 

Becareful, because she isn't even trying to admit any wrong doing. Continue to seek professional help, just try to get it through to her how serious this is.


----------



## Sadman (Feb 25, 2010)

This mirrors pretty much what happened to me around 11 months ago.
My wife was on Facebook talking to another man, developed into texts and phone calls and then she finally met up with him.
I was so upset, when she was found out she denied anything had gone on and they were just friends.

Only last night I brought up things as I do when I`m overly tired and stressed.

What didn`t help my recovery period was when my wife saw how devestatingly upset I was and she promised to end all ties, I would come home and catch her talking to him on Facebook or I would find out she had phoned him but with another sim card.

We have moved on considerably but sometimes the doubts and trust issues rear their ugly head.

Facebook and email passwords you should obtain from her, no more lies or secrets, it can get better.

Hopefully you can get over all this, the other person never appreciates the hurt it causes, they think it`s a little harmless fun.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Hey Geo, you are not ripping your family apart, she is. Set the boundries and its all in her court. Its her choice to rip the family apart and her choice to cross your boundries Then it will be her that created the consequences of her behavior.

Keep in mind the affairs are an end result of a troubled marraige if you both change your behaviors you have a chance, and if one decides they did nothing wrong then most likely they see no need to change. So good luck and I hope that both of you can see the behaviors that need to be changed with in your selves, so that both team mates can repair the marraige.


----------



## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

She's gaslighting you regarding her behavior.

Presume she is actively cheating and go from there.


----------



## NickCampbell (Oct 18, 2010)

But aren't you just treating the *symptoms* of the problem by telling her she can't go on the trip, has to delete facebook, show text messages, etc..? 

If she has decided she's going to cheat, do you think that's really going to stop her? That she will not look for some way to get around your rules?

Rather than spending all your energy blocking her from other men, find out *why* she is seeking attention from them - does she think she's not getting enough attention from you, does she just get off on being deceptive, desire new relationships with other men, etc etc. 

It's not that I don't agree she needs to be completely open and not hide chats, emails, text messages, etc...but what's the point if she's determined to cheat? A bunch of "you can't do that!" rules aren't going to quench someones desire to cheat, just inspire new and creative ways to get around it..

Rather than throwing a tantrum because she's on facebook chatting with people, what you need to do is get her *away* from the computer and to you - invite her to watch a movie together, cuddle, have sex or whatever activity you two do together than you both enjoy. On the nights she usually finds time to chat with other men, make that a date night instead. Refocus her attention on you.

I'm not trying to blame you at all, or take the wrongdoing away from her, it's just you have to realize you're not going to be there 24/7 with her, the desire to *not cheat* has to come from her, not you via some rule for her you came up with.


----------



## NeoGeo (Nov 3, 2010)

Thank you all for your replies.

She deleted her FB account, so that was good. We went to dinner alone last nite and instead of arguing with her, I just brought up the subject of Thursday nite by apologizing for the wine glass. I told her about me listening to Dale Carnegie, and how I realized that I am making the mistake of criticising. She said I have pushed her away. Again, instead of arguing, I said 'hmmm, ok'. She said she is good friends with her boss. I asked why did they need to chat if they work together, she said they cant talk about certain things at work. She is upset about the wine glass because it reminds her of her childhood with her dad with a severe anger problem. I said it will never happen again.

I may not be perfect, but I dont believe this BS about me pushing her away. I think she has come up with a justification for what she did. (Again, Dale Carnegie says humans will rationalize anything they do).

I have contacted a co-worker on FB, swore her to secrecy, and asked her if there was anything i should be concerned about. She told me that she thought long and hard how to respond. She said she likes her job and he is her boss. That said, she did not know anything for a fact. I pleaded with her to give me something to go on.

So now my red flags are up again, I feel something is going on.

This weekend, my wife and her boss are scheduled to go out of town for a Fri/Sat class. Just 2 of them. Thursday nite when I got upset, I demanded that both of them not go just themselves. Last nite, she asked me what I wanted her to do about the class, she said she would owe the office money if she doesnt go. I said just go.

I am detaching here. I have seriously thought about plan D. But I love the kids so much, I cant bear to think of them living with her and GASP another man down the road. This is a bitter, bitter pill to swallow. Of course I could prove the affair, but I think she would still get the kids. This sucks.

I can only hope her co-worker will come through for me and confirm yes or no. If no, I can probably deal. If she betrayed me twice, that's it. I really hope the co-worker comes back with nothing.


----------



## geo (Oct 29, 2010)

The trust part is hard to give when it's already been broken. I would guess unless your an overly jealous type, then the red flags are probably there for a reason !


----------



## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Ehh, not sure how to comment on your situation. Firstly, the evidences you provided to accuse her betrayal, are too weak to be considered as a cheating.
Secondly, you're not very sure yet, but you already have a judgement on your wife- guilty. Why can't you look at things more clearly first? You've already hurt her in a very unreasonable way by the time you found out she's clean with every man. How can you repair the damage in your marriage?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Don't know why my husband never considers that I was cheating when I had chatted with a man or when I sexually fantasized a man for my musterbation. My husband is very confident with himself. so there's no questions about the trust issue from him.
There's a limit for doing everything as long as your wife stays within the limit- as long as she never sleeps with any other man. She is considered not guilty.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## CH (May 18, 2010)

MsLonely said:


> Don't know why my husband never considers that I was cheating when I had chatted with a man or when I sexually fantasized a man for my musterbation. My husband is very confident with himself. so there's no questions about the trust issue from him.
> There's a limit for doing everything as long as your wife stays within the limit- as long as she never sleeps with any other man. She is considered not guilty.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Are you serious? So I can have an EA with another woman and tell her (the OW) that I only love her and she's so much better than my wife, etc... and it's not cheating because I didn't sleep with her yet?

The minute the profess their love for another person, even if there is no physical affair it's still cheating. When you give a part of your love and heart to another person without that person knowing about it then it's cheating.

If you told your spouse or SO that you're gonna have an EA and they say fine, ok then it's not cheating because they gave you consent. To go behind your loved one's back and hide the affair (emotional or physical) is cheating period! The minute you hide it from them, you've cheated.

You see the fine print, if you let your partner know and they say ok then it's all good. If you hide it and then they find out on their own then it's cheating. One part is consent (from what you post about your relationship) and the other isn't (which is what is happening to the OP). To tell the OP that his wife is not guilty is total bull, at another man's house at 10PM and the wife said nothing happened makes everything just fine and dandy?

NG, if you really want piece of mind, ask her for a lie detector test. If she says no right away then you know she's hiding more from you than you know.


----------



## mattphx (Oct 26, 2010)

Ehh, not sure how to comment on your situation. Firstly, the evidences you provided to accuse her betrayal, are too weak to be considered as a cheating.
Secondly, you're not very sure yet, but you already have a judgement on your wife- guilty. Why can't you look at things more clearly first? You've already hurt her in a very unreasonable way by the time you found out she's clean with every man. How can you repair the damage in your marriage?
Posted via Mobile Device.

SERIOUSLY!! Being at another mans house at any time alone and lying about it? Common sense is screaming cheater!

You made the right decision on telling her to go on her trip. Remember anything you do won't change her it has to be up to her. More control will jjust push her further away.

GOOD LUCK!


----------



## NeoGeo (Nov 3, 2010)

I am out of luck. The co-worker sympathizes with me and feels bad for me, but says 'trust your intuitions' and says she cannot help me.

The marriage counselor agrees that my wife's relationship with another man was appropriate, mainly because it was kept secret from me. Did they kiss or have sex? Were they sexting, or sending photos to one another? I will never know. I guess that is the worst part. She is not going to tell me.

I don't know what to do now. I guess the lie detector test.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

dude, she asks you about the class and you say its ok, come on
Please, what are you thinking?


----------



## MrQuatto (Jul 7, 2010)

Hire a Private Investigator to watch them on the trip. it will be expensive but it will be worth it. Best to plan what you will do when she returns and you discover she has had a physical affair with him. Signs are pointing that way and you need to know what you are going to do. 

Q~


----------



## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

mattphx said:


> SERIOUSLY!! Being at another mans house at any time alone and lying about it? Common sense is screaming cheater!
> 
> You made the right decision on telling her to go on her trip. Remember anything you do won't change her it has to be up to her. More control will jjust push her further away.
> 
> GOOD LUCK!



You can't accuse a woman guilty by guessing.

Even we know she lied about being at a man's house at midnight, let alone 10pm. It's still not an evidence to accuse her cheating. It doesn't work as an evidence in any legal cases. Luckily, you're not a judge, or you will put everyone in jail because of your guessings.

The evidence can prove she's lying but can also prove she's telling a while lie.

(white lie possible? men like to tell a lot also.) 

No signs nor evidences to show that she was attracted or interested in that neighbor. There's no constant phone records, email, online chatting...Nothing. To have EM, you need at least some constant contacts.

It can happen that we stopped by a neighbor or a friend's house without telling the spouse??

If she really wanted to cheat, she should have been there for sex but there wasn't any sex scene.

Since sex was not the purpose, why she should be accused cheating so badly?

Sometimes people tell white lies because they don't want you to worry & get misunderstanding.

People tell whilt lies all the time but you can't say every while lie is evil. 
________________________________________________
*To accuse a woman cheating, you need a stronger evidence because such accusation is done to destroy & ruin a person's characters & dignity. 

You can't do that only because of guessing & jealousy.

How did you repair the damage if the guessing is incorrect?


----------



## NeoGeo (Nov 3, 2010)

Update: Monday, after having a disastrous day at work where I was dog-cussed at work, I had emotional breakdown at home that evening. I started crying and really didn't stop until yesterday morning. At work, I could barely function. I went to the doctor, broke down again, and she gave me a prescription for Buspar and it is great stuff. Takes the anxiety and worry right out.

I also talked to the co-worker on the phone, and what she told me is not proof. Could go either way.

I told my wife last night that I can forgive one affair as a mistake, but two affairs indicates a pattern and I will not permit it. She swears that nothing is going on with her boss, they are just friends, and nothing has ever gone on. She said the first fling was a mistake that she has to live with. I told her I trusted her to go out of town this weekend. I am going to give her the benefit of the doubt.

BUT...



I am going to get a lawyer to get a court order for the content of her text messages. The tale of the tape will either confirm her story, or disprove it. I will know for sure, and I can either forgive or divorce depending on what was said.


----------



## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

Dead thread, but it would sure be nice to know how they worked it out, if indeed they did.  So many of these threads just end suddenly with no resolution. Too bad.


----------



## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

thummper said:


> Dead thread, but it would sure be nice to know how they worked it out, if indeed they did.  So many of these threads just end suddenly with no resolution. Too bad.


The OP was starting to "talk the talk" towards the end, but I doubt he had it in him to "walk the walk".

He metioned that he could forgive "one affair". Did he write that he'd found proof about the first OM?

His WS's interactions with her boss were shadey at best. I'm guessing that there was not only something going on between them, but it continued until the OP got hard evidence.

Then either he filed, or she filed for D. Either way, I'm not suprised that he never came back here to tell us. She played him and he didn't want to talk about it here?...

I think this happens a lot here.


----------



## hosea77 (Jan 14, 2014)

NeoGeo said:


> I am out of luck. The co-worker sympathizes with me and feels bad for me, but says 'trust your intuitions' and says she cannot help me.
> 
> The marriage counselor agrees that my wife's relationship with another man was appropriate, mainly because it was kept secret from me. Did they kiss or have sex? Were they sexting, or sending photos to one another? I will never know. I guess that is the worst part. She is not going to tell me.
> 
> I don't know what to do now. I guess the lie detector test.


I think the coworker just told you what you need to know...


----------



## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

MsLonely said:


> Ehh, not sure how to comment on your situation. Firstly, the evidences you provided to accuse her betrayal, are too weak to be considered as a cheating.
> Secondly, you're not very sure yet, but you already have a judgement on your wife- guilty. Why can't you look at things more clearly first? You've already hurt her in a very unreasonable way by the time you found out she's clean with every man. How can you repair the damage in your marriage?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Unless you stop the leak the ship will sink. Her behavior is not all the evidence he needs but it is a strong indication something amiss and afoot. What he must focus on is emotional control. He cannot lose his temper as he will stand to lose much more if she decides to become malicious and one who vision is clouded in rage cannot see clearly. 

You, I and everyone else knows that she either was going to, or finished having sex with this OM at 10 pm. Grown up's do not have sleep overs with someone of the opposite sex, let alone with good intentions for every one involved.


----------



## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

Ban thread.

Delete thummper.

Way to go, person, you got people replying to a thread 4 years old.


----------



## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

Alli3fire said:


> i agree with this 100%.


I don't. Why cater to a cheater and make yourself to look weak ?

Rules are needed and can act as a landmark to gauge actions by.

Rules and demanding accountability come first, not inward reflection


----------



## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

:rofl:


----------



## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

NeoGeo said:


> I have contacted a co-worker on FB, swore her to secrecy, and asked her if there was anything i should be concerned about. She told me that she thought long and hard how to respond. She said she likes her job and he is her boss.





NeoGeo said:


> The co-worker sympathizes with me and feels bad for me, but says 'trust your intuitions' and says she cannot help me.


 If there was nothing going on with your wife and the boss, there would be no danger of the co-worker losing her job by telling you this, so she would. Since the only thing that would endanger her job would be telling you that something is in fact going in between them, her unwillingness to discuss it, confirms that their is something going on between your wife and her boss. If there was any doubt, the co-worker telling you to "trust your intuitions" is a clear confirmation as the co-worker could dare without outright saying it. Besides if there was nothing going on, why would she feel bad for you?


----------



## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

ERM 4 year old thread


----------



## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

I am truly sorry for your pain. Unfortunately you are paying the price for offering up no consequences of whatsoever the first time round.

You would be smart to stop screaming at her and go undercover. Play dumb husband whilst you install Webwatcher on the computer, and hide a VAR in her car. Whilst you are at it GPS her car as well.

Youy will have your answers within a week.


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)




----------



## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

1st is her boss,---her boss as in her supervisor---or does he own the business

Either way----demand a poly for both the time she was at her first lovers house during the evening---and demand a poly as to what went on last weekend, while she was away with her boss

If her boss is just supervisory---then go to the HR, of the company she works for, and demand they look into sexual harassment----if her boss owns the business---tell him his extra curricular conversations stop with your wife---or you will file both sexual harassment, and emotional distress lawsuits against him-----you make sure he knows the lawsuits are being filed in the name of your children---as what he is doing is wrecking your mge., and their future

You need to stop being nice to your wife, at this point---she is cheating on you---whether it be via an ea, and a pa---she is cheating---and she needs to be held ACCOUNTABLE

She needs to be given boundaries with CONSEQUENCES----consequences that are not words----she needs to come off of all social media---she should only be allowed a phone that she can talk from---AND NOTHING ELSE----she is allowed NO CONTACT WITH MEN FOR ANY REASON---and you need to demand she sign a POST--NUP

You are hurting your children way more by staying in this toxic environment that at this point is full of misery and mistrust---they would be better off in 2 somewhat happy homes---so the kids are not a reason for you to back down, nor stay with your wife

1st things 1st----demand a POLY for both situations----if she is clean, then she can take the poly and it will prove only that she had an EA---if she has gone physical---she will either refuse the poly---or the poly will prove she is lying----go to your local police precinct---they will get you a reliable poly operator

Do not waste anymore time----you have lost your carefree lifestyle---you are in misery---you have lost peace of mind---and now you seem to need to be on drugs, to live a normal life---this is all the result, of what your wife has done-----DEAL WITH IT!!!!!


----------



## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

:rofl:


----------



## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

I guess maybe I should check DATES---before I sound off---oh well, I also wonder what happened??????


----------



## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)




----------



## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Who resurrects these threads ??????


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

jnj express said:


> I guess maybe I should check DATES---before I sound off---oh well, I also wonder what happened??????


Probably the standard rugsweep many BSs do when hit with infidelity. Then the resentment builds for years and the BS lives in misery. Then some come here and wonder why they haven't ever recovered and healed from the infidelity.

There's also sh!tty MCs out there that encourage the rugsweeping.


----------



## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

MsLonely said:


> Ehh, not sure how to comment on your situation. Firstly, the evidences you provided to accuse her betrayal, are too weak to be considered as a cheating.
> Secondly, you're not very sure yet, but you already have a judgement on your wife- guilty. Why can't you look at things more clearly first? You've already hurt her in a very unreasonable way by the time you found out she's clean with every man. How can you repair the damage in your marriage?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She's a married woman and has no business being at another mans house for no reason. Just like he doesn't have any business being at a divorced woman's house for no reason. She's the one that's causing this. Then hiding text messages is another way for this guy to feel like he does.


----------

