# Can intimacy and connection be created ?



## cervelo (Mar 19, 2013)

I haven't posted for a long time. My original post can be read here:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/reconc...art-isnt-but-you-want-try-reconciliation.html

My wife and I have been working on our relationship since I had a PA a few years ago. Both of us have been in individual counseling and things were OK up until the end of last year. It seems that again I had buried some emotional needs in order to prioritize her needs in the aftermath of the A. In December I just became overrun by the feeling that our communication and relationship was quite...logistical and functional. We really only engaged in conversations about work/the kids/money etc...I had tried on a number of occasions to bring the conversation to a different level to try to be more vulnerable to try to connect more deeply but without success. I really began to question what the future held and did I love her. This is where things become difficult because of the overwhelming confusion I felt. It's amazing how often I read the word confusion when searching this forum! Long story short I felt quite down about the whole thing and couldn't hide this any more - we have a very difficult conversation after Christmas where she asked me if I loved her and I answered honestly by saying I didn't know. Now those of you who have been through this will understand that feeling while those of you who haven't will probably say you should know if you do or you don't. Anyways, I ended up moving out as I felt it was the only respectful thing to do and I have been out since. 

On reflection I see that there is an emotional connection missing in our relationship. There is a depth and connection that we haven't had or worked on. We have both agreed to go to couples therapy with a view to understanding if there is any way to make our marriage work.

My question is: Has anyone out there experienced a similar lack of connection and successfully worked on it through couples counseling ? I'd love to hear your experience.

Thanks!


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Several years ago, my wife emotionally disconnected from me and ended up in an emotional affair. When the affair was over, she still could not reconnect. It went on this way for a couple of years. Eventually she did and we have been very happy in our marriage and with each other since. Here is a bullet list of some of the things that helped.

Read The Five Love Languages. Both of you. It is a very simple concept that can get the two of you to speak to each other in your language. We had been together for more than twenty years at the time and we really didn't know what told the other that they were loved.

Spend time together as a family but more importantly as a couple. 

Find a common interest/hobby to work on together. We took ball room dancing lessons. 

Do not underestimate the ability of sex to build emotional bonds. We had been sexless for a couple of years as she felt she had to be "emotionally invested" to partake. Once I required it as part of our reconciliation the last bricks in her emotional wall came down pretty quickly.

The whole story is stickied in the Reconciliation Forum.

Good luck.


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