# Marital Happiness - Kids



## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

Men, how has/did having children effect(ed) your feeling of fulfillment in your marriage? If you had to rate your stress and happiness levels before and after, on a scale of 1 to 10, what would they be?


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

BioFury said:


> .....on a scale of 1 to 10, what would they be?


1=At birth 1 as it scared me that my wife might die, but she didn't.
10=After about a month when I could take the baby to a rocking chair and he would fall asleep on my chest. 
2=during the rebellious teenage years
10=when I became a grandfather and the grandchild would sleep on my chest


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

10 throughout. My daughters were what kept me in a rather unfortunate marriage...

Perseverance paid off at the end.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

My first marriage was never fulfilling, unfortunately, but some times were better than others. My son was a high point, but added greatly to my stress level. And of course it became even harder to leave. Research has shown that having kids usually has a negative effect on marital happiness and stress - I can confirm that.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

The stress in marriage went up with children, and up and up with each one born.

The happiness for me went down with each born, but not by much. I am sure for my wife it went up, and my wife made sure to compensate me.

However, the children own my heart.

Our baby girl died when she was 29. We failed her. She had birth defects. 

I have survivors guilt.

Sometimes I think the hole in my heart is so huge I did not think my heart was that big. Watching my two sons grow strong and healthy makes me happy, so why does that not fill the empty hole?

If my daughter had not been born there would be no hole in my heart. The place my sons hold would still be there. Does that mean my heart got bigger when she was born?

She has been waiting for us for over 5 years, and I still cry when I think of her. I remember her smile as she walked out the door the last day I saw her alive.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

This is all going to depend on if people are kid-oriented or not. 

One of the great disservices and one of the great lies and misrepresentations that are perpetuated onto the masses is that of children bringing happiness and joy to all and that we all "should" have children and that producing offspring is an objective that all people should embark.

And the companion misrepresentation to that is that people that do not reproduce are some how 'less than' and will invariably live a life of despair and loneliness and unfulfilment. 

The truth is there is not insignificant number of people that do not yearn for children, do not like having them around, feel no urge to reproduce and do not want to pursue the parental lifestyle. 

For those people, having kids is a miserable and exasperating experience. There is no joy or fulfilment in it for them. 

The great myth is that once they have kids they will come around and change their minds. 

That may be true to certain extent and as the kids develop and mature, some people will become less miserable but some will never see it a force of happiness and fulfillment. 

For some of those people it is simply a source of stress and aggravation and just another cross to bear. 

But for others there is a true dark side. 

Read a national newspaper and every day you will see a story of severe child abuse or neglect. Some of which resulting in serious harm or even death of the child. 

There are a few big national stories like Susan Smith who strapped her kids in the car and drove them into the lake because her boyfriend didn't want kids (and obviously she didn't either) and there are the Scot Peterson's who kill their pregnant wives because they don't want the loss of freedom and the burden of parental responsibility. 

those specific cases are the headliners, but for every one national headline story, there are many, many more similar events that get buried on page 3 of the local news and don't make the tabloids or national headlines. 

Those are the extreme examples but they are real. It is a reality. For a certain segment of the population, children do not bring happiness, joy, fulfillment etc etc etc 

For those people, pregnancy and babies and toddlers etc etc are a source of misery, stress, exasperation and loss of dreams and freedom etc. 

If there is a way that the world needs to change, it is that there needs to be more acceptance that not everyone wants children and that not everyone should have them. It needs to be OK to not have kids and the Nosey Nellies and the Budinski Grandmothers and Great Aunt Beulahs need to keep their noses out of other people's reproductivity and not pressure everyone into having kids. 

Noone should have children except for the people that truly and sincerely want to have them and want to take on that responsibility and are willing to freely give themselves to parenting.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

I would say the birth of the first child put the stress level of the marriage up to 10, and marital happiness to 0. Marital happiness at times would bump up some, but was always low after the kids came along. Marital stress always stayed high after that.

But there was a lot of happiness and fun with the kids.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Happiness 10
Stress levels 10

It changes your life for sure. But you get it back at some point (so they say).


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Odo says that for him, the answer would really depend on the ages of his kids. It's hard to stick to a hard number for "before" and "after."
His kids are for the most part, grown now.

I think the stress for him was also exacerbated by the fact that he and his ex wife had very different parenting styles (she was the "fun" parent).


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

She had a little boy when I met her and we had another 4 years later right after we married.

Stress levels have probably been high from the start but children, love and passion have always been part of us.

I absolutely love kids even though they are a pain in the butt often.

Having children didn't impact our sex lives, we probably had more sex after our second son was born.

Mrs. Conan snapped back into a non preggo body shape quickly and looked even better than before.

She also wouldn't stop wearing skin tight yoga shorts around the house so I really can't be blamed for going at her like a teenager.😁

We have probably experienced more marital problems as they left the nest and afterwards if that makes sense?


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## FalCod (Dec 6, 2017)

That's a tough question to answer. Kid's a such a mix. They take up a lot of your time. They are tremendously expensive. They can be ungrateful and difficult.

But they are awesome. They are so much fun. They help you see the world differently. 

Has it all be great? Definitely not. Am I glad that we did it? Absolutely. One of the best decisions we ever made.


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## username77 (Dec 27, 2017)

You can read my issues with my teenage son here:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/family-parenting-forums/406194-son-destroying-my-marriage.html

He makes my happiness a 1, my other two kids a 10, so I'll split the baby and say a 5. As parents we like to think that if we show them love and a healthy home-life that they'll grow up to be great kids. But in reality, how they turn out is largely influenced by genetics and the group of friends they surround themselves with.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

BioFury said:


> Men, how has/did having children effect(ed) your feeling of fulfillment in your marriage? If you had to rate your stress and happiness levels before and after, on a scale of 1 to 10, what would they be?


Stress:
Pre-baby: 10(stressed out with how I would be able to afford a child)
Small child: 2(W is an excellent other and did well with finances)
Teenage year: 2(by and large our kids are and have been on the straight and narrow)

Happiness:
Very happy throughout the years. 10 being very happy. I'm at a 10. We do so much with our children. Concerts, amusement parks,etc. Now that they are older we still go to concert from time to time. No more amusement parks. Thankfully! My W and I now enjoy our time together as our kids are independent.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Tough to answer because I am not quite sure what you are asking. Maybe better put, what aspects of a marriage? Are we talking solely about your happiness with your Spouse before/after marriage. Are you talking more from a family standpoint? I could say that I am very happy with all 3 kids, wouldn't change a thing. In some respects it has brought my W and I closer together, and in other respects it has hurt our marriage.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I always wanted children and for me it wouldn't be a marriage without them. I had three, the first at age 21. I was far happier at home caring for them than being at work full time, and I have never regretted it for a second. I would have been devastated if I couldn't have had children.


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## rockon (May 18, 2016)

As a man who would have loved to have a family, but can't (was born that way), it sucks.

Tried twice to have to have a family (marry a woman with children) but it was not in the cards.

Now at 53 I've given up. To old.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Young at Heart said:


> 1=At birth 1 as it scared me that my wife might die, but she didn't.
> 10=After about a month when I could take the baby to a rocking chair and he would fall asleep on my chest.
> 2=during the rebellious teenage years
> 10=when I became a grandfather and the grandchild would sleep on my chest


Yeah, pretty much the same for me!


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

My ex had a five year old son when we met. So instant family when we married. Happiness was a 10, stress was about 7.
About 2 years after we married we had a daughter. Happiness was a 100! Stress was about 10. After the birth of my daughter I became increasingly disenchanted with the corporate life style. I was always tired, from the commute, to the long hours, to the ever increasing demands of my time by the corporation.
Two things coincided which changed my life. I nearly died and my daughter was getting ready to start school. I realized that if I ever wanted to be engaged in her life, I had to change my way of life. So I quit my job and started my own business.
That business allowed me to be as involved as I wanted to be in my children's life. I saw every play, every recital, every performance, every game and every practice that I wanted to see. I only missed things if I had something else to do, and I tried to make sure that nothing else was going on. I get to coach my son's baseball and basketball teams. I got to coach my daughter's basketball teams. My happiness was a 100 on that front.
In the meantime, my wife was never supportive of my career choices. She wanted a pay check, she wanted security. I was secure enough as long as I brought home a paycheck every week, but to her I wasn't secure enough to be on my own.
So despite the fact that I always paid the bills and no one ever went without, there was a huge amount of stress. My happiness on that front dropped to about a 5 and my stress skyrocketed to about 100


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Having my daughters was the single greatest thing I ever did with my life. Happiness was always a 10. Raising kids was never stressful to me but I’m still going with 5 because they are girls and teen years are upon me lol. 

And life did get noticibly hard when I was left to raise them alone. I had to make a lot of career sacrifices that I can never again correct. But so is life and they were worth it...my x wife not so much.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

BioFury said:


> Men, how has/did having children effect(ed) your feeling of fulfillment in your marriage? If you had to rate your stress and happiness levels before and after, on a scale of 1 to 10, what would they be?


Having children destroyed my marriage. Parenthood revealed a lot of truly unpleasant things about my ex's personality that had been successfully concealed before the stress of children. Too bad I didn't have that revelation before deciding to have children. Or before getting married.

Now I'm quite happy alone with my children and without my ex, who basically ran away into the arms of someone childfree.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

I still can't believe how easy having children came to me. It was unexpected. I thought with my personality that it would have more personal challenges. 

I never regretted it - seriously, not for a single minute from my first born's birth 26 years ago. It didn't change our marriage, it didn't cause any (well, not much anyway) stress, and I got to coach youth sports 4 days a week for several years. I was sorry to see them move out.


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## roughgoofit (Jan 4, 2018)

Having kids (2) I rate at a 10. Added alot of stress to an already imperfect marriage. I could not imagine my life without them though.

That being said, now my marital happiness level is at 0 or 1. The kids are what is keeping us together now. They are both less than 5 years old.


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

roughgoofit said:


> Having kids (2) I rate at a 10. Added alot of stress to an already imperfect marriage. I could not imagine my life without them though.
> 
> That being said, now my marital happiness level is at 0 or 1. The kids are what is keeping us together now. They are both less than 5 years old.


This is it for me - my wife isn't as bad as she used to be with the constant nagging (and I'm no longer walking on eggshells trying to do everything just right so she won't blow up), but I still love taking the kids places without her as it's much less stressful.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

My blood pressure shot up dramatically for the first year of each of my children’s lives. A crying baby puts me seriously on edge.

Simultaneously, sexual fulfillment plummeted. My wife wasn’t much interested in me with an infant to care for.

But it was all 100% worth it and then some. And while my wife was super nurturing with them as wee ones, I was a great dad later on. We complemented each other perfectly and the kiddos benefited. I actually loved raising teenagers, who gave my wife fits (especially our two girls).


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Your stress level will be directly related to the amount the both of you allow your marriage to be put to the wayside in order to be a parent.
Never stop dating your wife and always understand that the two of you are the team that created this child. She can be both a wife and mother
just like you can be a husband and father. Always make time for just the two of you and it will make the time with the three of you much better.


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## Steve2.0 (Dec 11, 2017)

Its difficult to put on a 1-10 scale because the cocktail of emotions, requirements, and feelings are all over the place.

Its like putting a "10+ happiness" together with a "-10 Desire to wake up to deal with them" and a "+8 shut the F*CK up" in a blender and mixing them at the same time.

On the one hand, it is pure unexplainable love and fulfilness that comes when your baby crawls to you to give you a hug, or runs into your arms when you get home from work..... but its the same child that drove you crazy the night before because they kept crying instead of sleeping.... Its the same baby that doesnt allow you to be free b/c you need to care for them.

I dont think there is a blanket answer that applies to everyone. Some people love their kids all the time... I love my kids when i have energy for them, but cant stand em when i need my sleep and they wont let me.

The idea that people must get married, followed by having kids... really needs to be killed and buried. Kids is a huge strain (whether your happy with them or not) that needs to be seriously considered.

Its the job that you never punch out of... there are no 'weekends, sickdays, or holidays" - > Its just every day, all the time


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Wolf1974 said:


> Having my daughters was the single greatest thing I ever did with my life. Happiness was always a 10. Raising kids was never stressful to me but I’m still going with 5 because they are girls and teen years are upon me lol.
> 
> And life did get noticibly hard when I was left to raise them alone. I had to make a lot of career sacrifices that I can never again correct. But so is life and they were worth it...my x wife not so much.


Buckle up for the ride my friend...SD is a teen and delightful and revolting in equal measure, bahahaha. It's a rollercoaster.

Go with God comrade!


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

frusdil said:


> Buckle up for the ride my friend...SD is a teen and delightful and revolting in equal measure, bahahaha. It's a rollercoaster.
> 
> Go with God comrade!


I’m not worried so far that drama they reserve for thier mom which is hilarious to me lol

Besides having a cop dad isn’t going to be easy for them. We will see if they choose the easy way or the hard way. :wink2:


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

You haven't seen drama till your 25 year old is trying to decide where to go to college. Her best choice is unfortunately another college town in the East coast which puts her bae 3 hours away in one of several metropolitan areas... 

Adult children drama makes a colicky infant look easy by comparison.


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## Todd Haberdasher (Apr 23, 2017)

john117 said:


> You haven't seen drama till your 25 year old is trying to decide where to go to college. Her best choice is unfortunately another college town in the East coast which puts her bae 3 hours away in one of several metropolitan areas...
> 
> Adult children drama makes a colicky infant look easy by comparison.


But if they are 25 you have no obligation to interact with them. A baby pretty much you have no choice, an adult you can just not answer their calls.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

If they're working at Starbucks, probably. Each girl has about $150-200k invested in her, and when the parents talk, they listen. 

Plus both parents have gone through the PhD wringer so they trust our input. Relationship questions, on the other hand...


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## Todd Haberdasher (Apr 23, 2017)

If somebody had invested 200 thousand bucks into my child I'd let THEM handle the kid's problems, haha.


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## Luvher4life (Jan 15, 2016)

BioFury said:


> Men, how has/did having children effect(ed) your feeling of fulfillment in your marriage? If you had to rate your stress and happiness levels before and after, on a scale of 1 to 10, what would they be?


There is absolutely nothing in this world that compares to being a parent. I have two daughters aged 20 and 17. They are both extremely smart, beautiful, and really good people. The more they grow up the prouder and more fulfilled I feel as a parent. It helps a kid exponentially if their parents truly love each other and show it through their actions. Both my wife and I grew up in broken homes, and know how that feels, so it was imperative to us that our kids have a good, stable home life. They have absolutely NO doubt that they are loved unconditionally.

I probably wouldn't be alive right now if I hadn't been blessed with a loving wife and kids. Stress is all relative, and worth every minute of it. I'm happy in my marriage, and happy with my kids.

My eldest will be graduating college with a BS in education in the spring of 2019, while my younger daughter will be graduating high school this summer, with both being straight A students. My eldest was very active in sports and academia in high school. My youngest still is. They are both still active in our church. 

I'm a little sad right now because it's just hitting me that I won't be seeing my youngest compete in sports after softball season anymore. She has a game today so I'm taking off early to watch. She has a chance to continue playing in college, but we have to wait and see how that plays out. I'm a proud parent either way. She will get her degree either way, which is more important.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Todd Haberdasher said:


> If somebody had invested 200 thousand bucks into my child I'd let THEM handle the kid's problems, haha.


That's the idea


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## BlueSuedeShoes (Mar 9, 2018)

Kids seem to be whats keeping me in my marriage at the moment. I love my wife but we don't really get along anymore. It's more of a complete breakdown though. It's been up and down for a while but the kids have never been the cause of the lows. They have always been the glue that bonded us all together or made me remember why I'm doing it. Stress of working full time and still having to run the kids around to different places has been an issue though. It is hard, but at the end of the day I am always happy I've done as much as I can for them.


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## Etomidate (Mar 10, 2018)

BioFury said:


> Men, how has/did having children effect(ed) your feeling of fulfillment in your marriage? If you had to rate your stress and happiness levels before and after, on a scale of 1 to 10, what would they be?


Having kids hasn't made my marriage better or worse, it's just changed it. We both always wanted kids and are blessed to have a wonderful son and a sweet daughter. Son is 2.5 years old and very very mellow and well-behaved for his age. He doesn't have many melt-downs and actually listens to reason. My daughter is 8 months old and a little adventurer, already trying to climb up things and stand up. Our marriage was good before and it's good now. I don't believe anyone who says they have a great marriage because that assumes that there are no problems in the marriage, all marriages have problems but it's how the individuals deal with those problems that makes it either crappy or good.

I feel pretty fulfilled in all aspects of my life, including my marriage and sex life, especially as compared to where I was prior to having children. Before we had kids, I worked in the corporate world and was working 55-60 hours per week, making maybe $85k/year. A few years before we decided we'd have children, I decided to go back to school and become a nurse and man what a difference it's made in my overall happiness. I'm doing something that ACTUALLY matters to other people. I'm not a slave to a corporation, sorry but how anyone can claim to be happy working as much as most corporate-types do is beyond logic. I'm also making much more than I used to make, while working three days per week - I live in California and we are paid, on average, $65/hour, add in shift differential for working evenings/nights and overtime a couple times a month and we are in quite a comfortable financial position. My wife's a preschool teacher and works 5 hours a day. We have plenty of time with the kids and with each other. Hell, our sex life even got better after our daughter was born because my wife went off hormonal birth control and had her tubes tied (done while she was having a c-section). We went from once a week to two or three times a week (usually in the early morning when the kids are sound asleep). 

So, my life fulfillment/happiness isn't a direct result of having kids, but more so of getting my **** together, making more money, working less, and having more time with my family and to do what i want. :smthumbup:


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