# My Cheating Wife Left Me With Four Kids



## Ex Abusive husband (Apr 9, 2017)

I have been with my wife for 16 years and it has been hell from the beginning. I grew up with both my parents in a secure home whilst she was first left to wonder the streets while her mother got drunk and slept with as many men as possible and later her mother went on to dump her at her mothers brothers house while she went to another country... 

First let me start by telling you I am far from perfect and I know I probably deserve what she has done... 

Here goes

When I first met my wife to be aged 17 then, she already was known to be anybody's but I don't like to judge people over the opinions of others.. Anyhow when I met her I saw her and fell straight in love with her. She Was and still is beautiful to me I was attracted by the innocent look that she had she seemed like she had a good caring heart and for me that's key in any relationship.... We started dating and it wasn't long before I realised how unstable she was and why.. In the beginning I was so loyal to her that people began to laugh at me and think I was stupid for even entertaining her.. (I didn't care I loved her) and still do... Anytime we went out I'd notice that she NEEDED to have the attention of all the guys for all the wrong reasons and as time went by I started hearing stories about her been with Tom, ****, Harry, and his uncle... I confronted her and she would always deny it and even watch me fight and hurt others that had informed me of her wrong doings. I mean I really loved this girl and would believe anything she would because she would proper start crying and saying why don't you trust me... 

But no matter how much I believed her my soul was never at ease... Later down the line we split up because I just couldn't trust her anymore after reading a letter she wrote about having sex with another guy... This absolutely kicked my teeth in but I did not harm her in anyway I just walked away... A few months later after splitting up she started tracking me down and going everywhere I went just to get my attention and I only went and fell for it and took her back because deep down inside I still lived her... Not long after getting back together the make up sex was still pounding, so pounding that she told told me she was pregnant... This where things got serious for me. I explained to her that I dont take single parenthood lightly and have no intention of starting a family with her unless she could be honest and faithful... She agreed and told me she loved me and wanted to be with me forever... I was blown away, I had started that dream of having a stable family built on honest and love.. 

Things were fine for a short while after my first child was born. We were both happy until I started noticing those old traits starting to appear again sneaking around lying and so on... but because I didn't want to take the risk of pushing her away by me acting insecure I didn't say anything as I wanted to show her that I have forgiven her from the first time... we went on to get married and have 3 more kids that I love with all my heart... I will be honest that throughout the years of having the kids I did get wound u a few times and push her about totally wrong I know, it just used to get to me so bad because I knew she was lying and taking me for a mug but she would always heavily deny it.. After these years it wasn't until halfway through 2015 that she finally admitted sleeping with a multitude of men, from blow jobs in cars to getting bent over in toilets, you name... 

I kid you not, it was by the grace of god that I managed to hold my temper in.... GOD knows a peace of me was ruined in that one sentence it shattered me mentally and physically I stopped believing and doing all the things I loved gave up on friends, family and work... But I did not lay a finger on her instead I embraced her and told her I loved her even more for her honesty but i am badly scarred from this revelation... We carried on for the sake of the children and in 2016 she started playing about again... When I found this one out I went absolutely hulk mad I just snapped I didn't punch kick or bruise her I just through her out my way HARD!!! Then smashed things in the house until police were called I was arrested and she told the police I was abusing her physically this was the beginning of the end... I was released from the police station and she begged e to stay with her and said she was sorry... Again for the sake of the kids I stayed now in 2017 I have caught on the phone to 3 different men telling them she loves them and needs to be loved because her husband is a bastard and a bully... 

The only difference is this time my daughter who is now 16 found her phone and come crying to me because her mum punched her in the face when she asked how could you do this to dad... I calmed the situation down as I just couldn't take no more explosive behaviour around the kids so I let it go.. But now because I've been so calm and understanding she is starting to get physical and has stabbed me with a chisel once, and tried to stab me with a kitchen knife last week simply because she was drunk. Again the police were called by the neighbours but this time she was arrest outside in the street in front of the neighbours whilst swearing at me and the kids... 

She'd finally done it and showed her true wicked ways to everyone... So I'm sitting here waiting for her to come out of the station all apologetic but instead was met by the police telling me that I'm not allowed near her because of domestic violence I was again confused and upset but it gets worst, she sent a message to say she is not returning to me or the kids and we can all go to hell... Now I'm sitting here with 4 truly beautiful kids that are crying daily for this ***** of a woman that I still love for some reason and I still want to work things out... Just to prove to my kids that you don't just give up on relationships...

The pain and the emptiness in this house is overwhelming I look at my kids and cry when I'm alone because I feel have failed them and should have done something as the man of the house to hold things together... 

Shall I give up or continue my quest of love and belief in her ?? 

She's a diamond girl until she drinks and abuses cannabis. I never used to smoke or drink but now she's got me into drink and smoking cannabis.. When parting with friends I then bumped into cocaine because I just can not handle cannabis and drink at all so friends at a party said the coke would stop the spinning... 

I've managed to no touch a thing since she has been gone but I want her back so bad that it's making life seem impossible... 

SOMEBODY PLEASE HELP

Is this situation my fault ?? And how do I get her back and help her to change ???


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Would you mind editing your post and breaking it into paragraphs? It's too hard to read such a large block of text.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Ex Abusive husband I am so sorry you are here, but glad that you found us.

Because of your spelling and the use of words like "mug" I am presuming you are in the UK.

You need to get an urgent appointment with a Solicitor tomorrow to ensure the safety of you and the children.

Mention her drug abuse to him or her.

He or she will be able to guide you to do what you need to do.

You need to get yourself and your children to see your doctor to sort out counselling for you all.

Please know that we are here for you.

It's not your fault.

Not your job to fix her.

Your job is to look after you and the kids.

Divorce looks like a good option.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Ex Abusive husband said:


> I have been with my wife for 16 years and it has been hell from the beginning. I grew up with both my parents in a secure home whilst she was first left to wonder the streets while her mother got drunk and slept with as many men as possible and later her mother went on to dump her at her mothers brothers house while she went to another country...
> 
> First let me start by telling you I am far from perfect and I know I probably deserve what she has done...
> 
> ...


Paragraph format problem fixed.


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## Ex Abusive husband (Apr 9, 2017)

Thanks so much, I didn't even think anyone was listening 😢 Lol yes I'm in the uk ☝


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

EAH: Are you prepared for a divorce? If not, find an individual counselor who can help you understand that your wife is ill and that there is nothing that you can do to fix her.

If you are prepared for divorce folks here (and some are from the UK) who can give you good advice.

Meanwhile you have children to take care of.

Good luck fella!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Thanks. So you know that there is no hope for your wife, right? Given her background, it would her at least 4 or 5 years of intensive, long-term, consistent therapy to break down what she went through in childhood and all the horrors she's done as an adult, and then build back up a decent human being. And that's ONLY if SHE wanted to do it. Which is almost impossible.

So, that said, you ask for help. What you need help with is to get therapy yourself to build back up YOUR self worth after how she trashed it. Your kids NEED you to get help. The reason I'm saying you need help is that you are still saying you want her back. Which tells me that you need to learn to become more objective about WHY you would want this woman back.

And most importantly, your kids need you to stop wanting her back. Lest they end up being messed up too. The oldest daughter has the highest risk of being messed up, but you can still help DD16 by showing her what a strong healthy male role model looks like. Remember, the reason wife turned out that way is lack of good parents. Don't push so hard to keep their mother around. They're better off without her around.


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## shrah25 (Mar 22, 2017)

Ex Abusive husband said:


> I have been with my wife for 16 years and it has been hell from the beginning. I grew up with both my parents in a secure home whilst she was first left to wonder the streets while her mother got drunk and slept with as many men as possible and later her mother went on to dump her at her mothers brothers house while she went to another country...
> 
> First let me start by telling you I am far from perfect and I know I probably deserve what she has done...
> 
> ...


Hi @Ex Abusive husband

Firstly, I'm truly sorry for what you're having to go through. This is absolutely tragic and I know how much you must be hurting right now. 

I want to be crystal clear about one thing here - it's natural to sometimes look inside and blame yourself for what you're going through and what's happened but let me tell you - this is not your fault. 

It's without any shadow of a doubt that your wife has got some deep rooted fears and beliefs that have probably been formed through some challenging childhood experiences (possibly trauma) and this has led her to seek constant attention, alcohol and excessive cheating. It really wouldn't have mattered who she was with, this sort of behaviour would have been expressed. 

I have no doubt in my mind that she was called to you all those years ago because she felt on some level that you could be the source of her healing but if she wasn't willing to deal and confront her demons head on, she was just a ticking time bomb unfortunately. I've seen it time and time again and in the end, unless you can face the demons head on, then healing never occurs. 

You seem like a lovely guy and I can totally understand how your emotions can boil up to the point where the feelings are expressed physically. I'm not saying it's right, i'm just saying that I understand how it gets to that point. However, your focus must now be on (a) your children and ensuring that they have a safe and loving environment and (b) ensuring that you do the right thing for you as well. I know you love your wife but it really sounds like she needs to do some serious work on herself ie explore therapy/coaching etc so that she can heal those wounds. If they aren't healed, then she will continue to express this negative behaviour and your family will be the recipients of the pain. 

There is clearly a bit of codependency going on here as well and I know there is a part of you that, as a man, wants to serve, protect and heal her. This is admirable but you need to decide at what cost? If you are wanting to be by her side every step of the way, then that's great but she needs to make a commitment to healing. That means cutting the alcohol, going to therapy and truly re-discovering herself. I honour you for your capacity to love but it needs to be done in a way that doesn't end up stripping you of your self worth as well. 

What do you believe your next steps are?

Take Care
Sri


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

She came at you with a chisel and a knife ?!?!?!?!? WTF?!?!?!? And you say she's a lovely girl until she smokes weed and drinks ?!?!?!?


Get yourself and your four kids as far away from her as possible!!!! ASAP!!!! And get a restraining order on her to keep her far.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

manfromlamancha said:


> She came at you with a chisel and a knife ?!?!?!?!? WTF?!?!?!? And you say she's a lovely girl until she smokes weed and drinks ?!?!?!?
> 
> 
> Get yourself and your four kids as far away from her as possible!!!! ASAP!!!! And get a restraining order on her to keep her far.


:iagree:

I have heard of this kind of thing before. Cannabis is not all giggling hippies, sad to say.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

MattMatt said:


> :iagree:
> 
> I have heard of this kind of thing before. Cannabis is not all giggling hippies, sad to say.


:iagree:

When my son started using Cannabis at almost 17, he was a terribly angry and violent mess. I honestly thought it was some other drug, but the only drug that would come out positive in his drug tests was indeed just marijuana. :surprise:


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## EunuchMonk (Jan 3, 2016)

You know, OP, the responses that you get here will likely be to divorce. It seems counterintuitive that a forum dedicated to helping marriages often points to divorce as the answer. One poster joked that this forum should be called "Talk About Divorce". And saying get a divorce is easy coming from those who have no emotional investment in the marriage in question. These emotional bonds have been formed over the course of many years and are so damned difficult to just sever. A person once said divorce is like killing someone. Biblically, when people get married they are considered one so it's like splitting a person in two.

And your situation has really deteriorated if your wife is making attempts on your life.

Unfortunately, divorce sometimes is the only course unless you are willing to be longsuffering and stay in a relationship that is not likely to change for the better. A pastor I know said to me, marriage counselling is hard specifically because he is often trying to mend marriages that should have never happened in the first place. Like filling in the growing cracks of a house that has a faulty foundation. Fill in those cracks all you want they will come back because they are caused by the deteriorating foundation. One might get into a relationship with a violent/deceptive person. Then try to change them after. It usually proves to be futile because they should have said, no thank you, from the onset and moved on. 

Divorce is not always the final nail in the coffin (people have changed after divorce, you know, gotten their act together) but you should be prepared that it might mean the end of the relationship. The thing to remember is that this is not the end for you. There is life and joy on the other side if you search for it. Lasting happiness is of great value and things of great value are always hard to find. If happiness were something that were easy to find everyone would be happy. If you want it, you will have to go through a crucible but you will not regret it. The whole damn ordeal sucks, it sucks to hell, but remain firm. 

Godspeed, OP.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Ex A H, so sorry you are in the situation but to be honest you need to get your act together. Your wife sounds incredibly unstable and abusive. It it not fair to your children.
You have to clean up your own life, get rid of the drugs and alcohol, 4 kids are depending on you, be the man you should be and be the pillar and stability they need right now.
Go see a lawyer and ensure your explain everything, get full custody of the kids and get rid of this woman.

If she agrees to get clean, go for therapy, you can leave the door open for reconciliation, but is she refuses, let her go, she has shown you who she really is and she is not only abusive but a cheat to boot. Let her go.

Get IC for yourself, join a church group or support network to get you through this.


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## Ex Abusive husband (Apr 9, 2017)

sidney2718 said:


> EAH: Are you prepared for a divorce? If not, find an individual counselor who can help you understand that your wife is ill and that there is nothing that you can do to fix her.
> 
> If you are prepared for divorce folks here (and some are from the UK) who can give you good advice.
> 
> ...


Thank you for the support sir.. appreciated..


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## Ex Abusive husband (Apr 9, 2017)

EunuchMonk said:


> You know, OP, the responses that you get here will likely be to divorce. It seems counterintuitive that a forum dedicated to helping marriages often points to divorce as the answer. One poster joked that this forum should be called "Talk About Divorce". And saying get a divorce is easy coming from those who have no emotional investment in the marriage in question. These emotional bonds have been formed over the course of many years and are so damned difficult to just sever. A person once said divorce is like killing someone. Biblically, when people get married they are considered one so it's like splitting a person in two.
> 
> And your situation has really deteriorated if your wife is making attempts on your life.
> 
> ...


Thank you sir I'd do anything to save my marriage, I'm just so scared a shaken right now it's unreal... Divorce is my very last option....


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## Ex Abusive husband (Apr 9, 2017)

sidney2718 said:


> EAH: Are you prepared for a divorce? If not, find an individual counselor who can help you understand that your wife is ill and that there is nothing that you can do to fix her.
> 
> If you are prepared for divorce folks here (and some are from the UK) who can give you good advice.
> 
> ...


I can not divorce her, I don't know life without her I've never been on my own in my life... I've given sucb a huge part of my life it's unreal


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> @Ex Abusive husband I am so sorry you are here, but glad that you found us.
> 
> Because of your spelling and the use of words like "mug" I am presuming you are in the UK.
> 
> ...


*And as they often say over in the U.K., "Hear, hear!"

It is not your fault, my friend, but it is your problem!

The better option here is immediate legal separation followed up by a most hasty divorce! As is, you and your children deserve far, far better out of life!*


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Ex Abusive husband said:


> I can not divorce her, I don't know life without her I've never been on my own in my life... I've given sucb a huge part of my life it's unreal


You can divorce her and you must!!!!

My first thought when I read the title of your thread was "lucky", and I meant it. Most times the wife wants it all....house, kids, alimony, child support, half your retirement, and to move her new lover into the family home. Your's is doing you a huge favor, thank her and file for divorce TODAY! 

How many times do you an ice pick in the eye before you admit she is a nut job? How will you feel when one of her scum ball sperm sticks tries to have a go at your daughter? Get that poison piece of **** out of your life. If you truly love her after all she has done you are as sick as her, I think you are just use to her being there and are afraid of changing. 

My ex wasn't as bad as your's but once she was out of our (me and the kids) day to day lives everything was better, and I mean every single minute!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Ex Abusive husband if divorce is not an option you must consider this What if she kills you?

She will be jailed and your children will end up in care.

Your wife needs psychiatric help. She needs to be Sectioned and placed in a secure facility where she can receive the treatment that she needs. Your GP can help point you in the right direction to make sure this happens.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Sounds like you are co-dependent on an abusive, cheating, alcoholic and drug dependent woman, this is not a good place to be. You need to get yourself sorted, you have no control over her at all. If she chooses to get her act together, get clean, get proper therapy etc then maybe there is a hope. However, your priority right now is not her, it is your kids and getting yourself into a stable place.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Ex Abusive husband said:


> I can not divorce her, I don't know life without her I've never been on my own in my life... I've given sucb a huge part of my life it's unreal


OMG your a walking doormat, please get some help...you need to build up your self esteem.


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

Many years ago when I was a much younger person I met a cute and fun girl that I dated for a few weeks. One of the few things I remember that she told me was the time she was having an episode of anger with a previous boyfriend in which she was stabbing a locked door with a knife... He was on the other side. She thought it was amusing... I filed it as " you're crazy".

If you love your kids and want what is best for them which is a stable household. You would divorce their mother today.
In the USA with her actions, I would fall against her for abandonment. And get a "protection order" too. You have police records. She doesn't want you or the kids. She wants to have sex with lots of men with no family to hold her back..

She is a kind of woman who had sex with men and came home to you and gave you sloppy seconds or thirds.

You need to get tested for STDs. You may also check your children's DNA to make sure they are yours biologically. This is also for health reasons.

You cannot fix your wife. Bring her back will hurt you and in turn will hurt the poor kids.

Get the court order to protect your family. Then pack her stuff and put it in storage.

A home with four kids is not empty.

You need lots of therapy for yourself and for your children. There are no good options taking her back especially since she does not want any of you.
There are much better women out there.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Your W is broken, immeasurably broken. She needs to be evaluated "three years ago."

You can D her as others state.... she needs intensive treatment. Whatever happened to her in

her childhood had to be he!!ish. How long were you with her before she started "changing?"

You...... and the kids need IC pronto. She devolving has taken all of you with her.

Your #1 focus should be get right and help your kids get right.... then.... MAYBE then... see how

she is doing. Drugs are simply an excuse to act the way "you really desire to"

I have had weed, most people I know have.... all it made them do is get the munchies, get horny, watch

some guy wax his car, or sleep.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

i am commenting so that i can find this later.

OP, if you really want things to improve between you and your wife, then there are things you can do. if you are willing to do them, you can likely improve things. 

ill comment more when i have time.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

OP, you are actually not doing ANYONE any favors here -- she REALLY needs professional help.
You are supporting her bad behavior -- SOMETHING needs to be done to get her into counselling. You REALLY need to protect your children. Mental illness is not something that will go away, and unless you are a psychiatrist, you won't be able to help/fix the issue. It is potentially VERY dangerous for you and your children.

Please consider separating at the least from her -- get her out of your home environment.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Ex Abusive husband said:


> I can not divorce her, I don't know life without her I've never been on my own in my life...


Bullsh*t. You CAN divorce her, you CAN live life without her, and what does never having been on your own have to do with anything?

SHE IS SICK. She needs severe mental help before she can be any sort of decent spouse or mother. Keep her away from those kids until she gets help. You're their father - DO YOUR JOB and protect them from her.

And find a therapist and start going yourself. You're one of the most codependent people I've ever seen, and you will ruin your children's lives if you don't get help.

You don't have to divorce her, but neither do you have to let her be with you guys (even if she wanted to). Act as though she's gone, help your kids adjust, and get everyone into therapy. Once you and your kids get healthy, she can either do the same or lose y'all.

There's your advice.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Count your blessings, she left the kids with you.

File & move on. A year from now you will wonder wth you were thinking staying with someone that attempts to stab you.

First you, and if she thinks it will hurt you more, she will leave the kids stabbed to death tucked into their beds for you to find when you get home from work.

Think it won't happen, GOOGLE IT!

Yaa, it's harsh, but you got KIDS to watch out for!!!


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Your first priority has to be your kids. Your gut has been warning you about her for a long time but you suppressed it. White Knighting for her has just brought you nothing but a police record and now a broken family. 

Some people need to completely crash and burn before they seek help. You've played captain save a hoe for so long that you've enabled her. Until she hits rock bottom, she won't seek the help she needs.

You don't clarify what your daughter found on her mom's phone but it must have been really bad. Your wife is choosing her dark life over you and the kids.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

She did you a favor by taking off. Take advantage of this and divorce her.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Are you willing to take her back if it puts your kids at risk?

Sorry man but she is very violent it sounds like. Kids safety first and for most.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I just deleted a thread jack.

Please reply directly to the OP and give him support. Thread jacks do not help him at all.

{speaking as a moderator}


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