# Wife puts work ahead of me



## frankd (Feb 22, 2012)

There must be other threads about this topic but the search function is too broad and I can't find anything. In any case, here's my issue:
We own two restaurants and there's always cash flow problems, staff sick, holidays and vacations, etc.
My wife's solution to all of the above is simply to work more hours. We when we started out about 3 years ago she worked 2 shifts a week. The rest was taken up with managing, organizing, etc., so we had a full week's work, especially since we expanded from 1 and then up to 4 of these stores.
Now, even though we've got only 2, she works a minimum of 70 - 80 hours a week. And she covers the absolute worst shifts you can think of: 5:00 am to 8:00 pm, or 5 to 2 at one store, then 2 to 9 at the other one. Her reasons: 
1. she insists that there are no capable people to replace those who leave, 
2. we're saving labor dollars,
3. she enjoys being busy
3. etc., etc.
She recently had a toothache and the dentist quoted her $2,700 to fix it. She was understably upset, but all the while she was working out a new schedule in her head so she could pick up more hours to pay for it. Even though I told her (I do the finances) that I had more than enough in my rainy day fund to pay for it.
I am now feeling angry and resentful that I have become a house husband to an absentee wife who puts work ahead of me.
Don't get me wrong: I have always pulled my weight around the house, but now I'm doing everything: cooking, cleaning, laundry, shuttling our son to school, moving stock between stores, accounting, maintenance at home and the stores, and on and on. 
She has 2 college degrees and she's working a minimum wage job when she could earn two or three times as much in the corporate world. I also have 2 college degrees and I'm reduced to the position of gofer.
I'm sorry to be venting, but I'm really upset after being hit in the head with the realization that I have to beg her for 5 minutes of intimacy and she tells me not tonight because she has to get up at 4:00 am.
I know, I'm making her out to be the bad guy, but I don't know how else to explain it. I'm at my wits end. 
How do I deal with this before resentment turns to indifference?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

frankd said:


> I'm reduced to the position of gofer.


One of my favorite sayings is you must first lie down in order for someone to walk all over you.

So my sincere heartfelt advice to you would be to 'stand up'. 

And if you don't know what that means head over to the mens clubhouse and read, read, read. There are some fabulous books out there specifically written for men like you.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

Make a pact between you two. 

No working more than 60 hrs a week. either/ both of you.
Hire more staff... - Then you two should really talk.

j


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## Fella81 (Mar 4, 2012)

Geez red your post and sounds like you need to just hire ppl to fill those hrs and explain to her that there is more to your relationship and tell her how your feeling some ppl just like to work but that is just sounds alittle weird to me also i would remind her of her college degrees that she worked so hard to get even if she still workin try to make less time plus you said i think you has a son so really shes taking time from him also
hope this helps.....


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## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

All you need is marriage counseling. The only problem is you will have to convince your wife of that. To do it, you will have to be stern and let her know the marriage depends on it. The counselor will be able to make her see the error of her ways. You doing a 180 and all the other books and advice you will find in the men's forum (as advised above) will make things worse in your case because your wife is not trying to run over you, and your situation is not that bad. She is a driven person who likes to take control. She has the bad habit of thinking ONLY she can solve all the problems and no one can do things better than she can do them. 

She just needs to understand working on your marriage is even more important than working in the business. I don't think she's all that bad nor taking you for granted, and you don't feel that way either. She is super woman, and many of us females have a tendency to think that way, so it likely comes natural to her. A therapist will be able to make her see how you feel by turning the tables on her. No one likes feeling neglected and unimportant. She's making a mistake is all and for that matter, you are making a mistake also by thinking you can better determine the best job for her. She's doing what she prefers to do at this time, and working in the corporate world is not her preference. So, it appears you both need the tools and to learn the skills of being married. You have to learn to respect each other and to be considerate of each other's choices and preferences.


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## RDL (Feb 10, 2012)

Hello,

I strongly suggest you both get educated in how to run a business in a balanced fashion.

Your story seems to come right out of what is considered on of the best business books of all time. 

I strongly suggest you and your wife both read and implement the following material: 

The E-Myth Revisited: Why Most Small Business Don’t Work and What to Do about It by Michael E. Gerber

It details very well the process many small businesses go through when they start running your life and taking most of your energy. Your wife seems to exhibit the behavior described in the book.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

At this point you have to come to the realizatoin that your wife is not adding to your life and your family, she is subtracting. Let that sink in.

What you have to do is put pen to paper and make a plan that covers all your income, budgets, present needs, future needs and an amount she has to work or not work to close your budget. Then you ask her to make the choice of being part of a family and a marriage, or not being part of one.


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