# didn't feel right. any ideas?



## josh1081 (Jul 10, 2009)

So since the affairs were discovered and the healing process has been undertaken, our sex life has decreased dramatically. We were always a sexual couple 4-6 a week, but now it's down to about 2-3 a month. Not really complaining about that since I realize trust and feelings need to be re-established first. Seemed like 2-3 a mo was too much at first to be honest. I enjoy the sex, but I don't desparately need it. 
Last night we'd decided 2 weeks had been long enough and it was time for some action. Got prepared for it and laid down in bed. She's pregnant so when we lay down I rub her back for her to make her comfy. I started with that for about 10 minutes and then started moving my hand around to legs and whatnot and giving her a little kiss. She then blurts out Do you know where your old toothbrush is? I sighed in annoyance because I felt that maybe she should've been more in the moment then that. My mood for sex diminished quickly and I just turned to rubbing her back and trying to go to sleep instead
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## josh1081 (Jul 10, 2009)

(this was all face to face I should add) she asks me if I was nodding off and I said yeah a little, I'm just going to enjoy rubbing your back. She then asked me "Are we going to get this $*&t going or what?"
this kind of floored me. It was just a matter of fact question nothing realy confrontational or angry in tone. I talked to her about why all of this didn't really get my motor going and she cried and said it's all her fault we weren't having sex that night and then we went to sleep.
Alot of my problem since discovering everything and for about a year prior is lack of passion in our relationship. That 'I need you and can't wait to have you or be near you' type of fire. Is it wrong to turn her down because of this or those comments? Should I just have gripped it and ripped it so to speak and just taken it for the team. I was tired of being her Fbuddy and don't really just want sex for sex's sake. Any thoughts are welcomed.
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## josh1081 (Jul 10, 2009)

I guess I should add that this concerns me because we've made such great progress forward together in our relationship that I don't want it to get snagged up by something like this....I realize sex is important and if I can fix it I want to.
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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

I don't know your background, who had the affair, etc..., but...

Yeah, comments like that can be a deal killer. It shows she wasn't getting into it, something else on her mind, and then the follow on comment is a sort of "hurry up and get this over with" kind of comment.

Your talking to her was good. Don't let things simmer. Explain how you feel and then move on.


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## josh1081 (Jul 10, 2009)

Thanks....her affairs not mine. The main problem, to me, isn't the sex itself. We have no problem getting into it. I just am having issues with the gearing up for sex. I know we're not a new couple anymore and that honeymoon phase is over, but I'd still like to have some semblance of that.
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## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

If you want that, you have to make that happen in your own mind so your body can follow. Get over any resentment and just look at her as a beautiful woman next to you... do what you can to make it happen.

And IMO, if she had affairs on you, you do have a problem getting into it in her mind... just saying what you may not think is a problem to her may be... so watch romantic movies alone and see what the men in love do to their women, for their women etc and then do it with her. Also, ask her what she wants, how she wants it (rough, gentle, fast slow..what position) alsoask her to speack or show you what she wants (whatever is less likely to kill the mood for either of you).

You have to make that happen for her... sorry but true. She strayed for a reason and you need to prove to her that you are THE MAN for her.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Besides the affairs being a problem, your wife is pregnant.

You do realize that this changes a woman's thought processes quite a bit.

Toss all that together with your inability to say what you think in the moment, you have a resentment stew.

You should have said something right then, when she mentioned the toothbrush.

Like: "Forget about the toothbrush. Let's make love."

I understand how it is to lead with your chin after an affair. It is hard to get out of that mode. But you need to.


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## josh1081 (Jul 10, 2009)

That's a great point. I know the pregnancy is a factor, but she does her best to not let it affect her daily life so much that I forget sometimes....which is a feat since she has a watermelon strapped to her front 
but you're right. I should have just said shut your mouth, and then went in for it. I got too wrapped up in my own head and my own bs that I let it ruin a great opportunity. I will have to give that a shot next time. I'm not a very aggressive person sexually when it comes to demand.
but on a side note we were cuddling at bedtime the next night and I woke her up and sex was had. 
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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

Has she told you a 10-minute back rub makes her comfy and helps to get her in the mood? Or, is it something you think makes her comfy and gets her in the mood. For some reason, there are women who don't speak up. I read a post here a couple weeks ago by a woman whose husband does some message techniques that are very annoying to her, but she allows him to do it time after time for many years. Sounds silly to me but my point is that it's possible the back rub doesn't have the affect you might think. So her mind wanders while waiting for you to make the effectual moves on her. Unless she has told you the back rub is so very relaxing to her that she enjoys it and that is the reason her mind wanders, then I suggest you talk to your wife to find out what makes her comfy at love-making time, rather than assume what you do does the trick. It kind of sounds to me like she was bored.


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## dblkman (Jul 14, 2010)

toolate said:


> If you want that, you have to make that happen in your own mind so your body can follow. Get over any resentment and just look at her as a beautiful woman next to you... do what you can to make it happen.
> 
> And IMO, if she had affairs on you, you do have a problem getting into it in her mind... just saying what you may not think is a problem to her may be... so watch romantic movies alone and see what the men in love do to their women, for their women etc and then do it with her. Also, ask her what she wants, how she wants it (rough, gentle, fast slow..what position) alsoask her to speack or show you what she wants (whatever is less likely to kill the mood for either of you).
> 
> You have to make that happen for her... sorry but true. She strayed for a reason and you need to prove to her that you are THE MAN for her.


I do NOT agree with some of your statements, it seems you are trying to justify that SHE had an affair and that it is now up to HIM to prove his worth. Also I do not believe in watching alot of romance movies or romance books simply because majority of them are FICTIONAL and no man can live up to a fantasy. You would be amazed at how those movies and books make subtle suggestions to both men and women on how their spouse or partner should be and often can lead to unrealistic expectations. Romantic Fiction and Christians


In reading what Josh was saying he stated "her affair(s) not mine", suggesting that there was more than one time she has done this. I believe she is the one that needs to prove that she is the woman for him.

now i can get with Michzz comments about pregancy affecting her thought process.

dale


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## josh1081 (Jul 10, 2009)

Susan
the back rubs are a relaxer for her and lets her think. I know, 2+2=4. I usually wait too long before I make any kind of mood because I'm not a fan of being pushy. Like I said, the next night went off without a hitch.
i just want to get to that place where it isn't forced or worked at, but I know with relationships that is something that is difficult after so long together.
and her affair total is 3. Ex, internet, and one local.
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