# Is it Unreasonable...



## diogenes72 (Jan 10, 2016)

Is it unreasonable or common courtesy to share with your spouse when you go out and where you go out with coworkers and friends when your spouse cannot attend or is not invited?


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Of course it is reasonable and common courtesty. Do some spouses not do this?


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

blueinbr said:


> Of course it is reasonable and common courtesty. Do some spouses not do this?


Yes, many spouses neglect to do that. Some are just flaky, and some are up to no good.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Common courtesy. My SO and I know exactly where the other is going, who is going to be there, and what time we will be home. 

But honestly, we rarely go out without each other. We have way more fun together .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

OP, are you from a different culture or born outside the United States?


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## diogenes72 (Jan 10, 2016)

I was born in Southern California but, I find my beliefs and values seem to be out of step with the commonly accepted standards of acceptability. Maybe I need to find a more wholesome, religious-oriented partner.


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## Joey2k (Oct 3, 2014)

diogenes72 said:


> I was born in Southern California but, I find my beliefs and values seem to be out of step with the commonly accepted standards of acceptability. Maybe I need to find a more wholesome, religious-oriented partner.


You just need to set boundaries, let your partner know what kind of behavior you will and will not tolerate. You have to be prepared to stand by your words, though.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

diogenes72 said:


> I was born in Southern California but, I find my beliefs and values seem to be out of step with the commonly accepted standards of acceptability. Maybe I need to find a more wholesome, religious-oriented partner.


So you live in So Cal? That is your problem. Move to Southeast US and you will find what you want. 

Ok, now for the serious question. Your initial post mentions spouse and here above you mention finding a different partner? 

What's your story? You might do better by finding the right forum and posting a detailed story rather than posting 5-6 single topic short threads. Assuming you want advice or suggested solutions to your problems. 

Does your username explain who you are?


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Yes most certainly common curtosy. Heck I'm not even married and would be upset if my GF just didn't come home because she went out and had a few and didn't tell me. For a large part relationships establish a pattern and anytime one has to deviate from that pattern it will, if even in a small way, effect the other partner. So te right thing to do is let the other person know.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

diogenes,

Read up on how many posters here have spouses in workplace affairs who stood by while their spouse went out with coworkers and omitted details about who what where when why and how, or fabricated stories with more holes than swiss cheese.

Tamat


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## committed_guy (Nov 22, 2011)

diogenes72 said:


> Is it unreasonable or common courtesy to share with your spouse when you go out and where you go out with coworkers and friends when your spouse cannot attend or is not invited?


For my marriage we usually share where we will be and when. Sometimes it's just a "going out to have beer after work" and not details. I'm not hiding it so if she asks I tell her but usually she doesn't care.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

diogenes72 said:


> Is it unreasonable or common courtesy to share with your spouse when you go out and where you go out with coworkers and friends when your spouse cannot attend or is not invited?


Sure it's reasonable.
In fact, if I get hit on when I'm out of town, I tell my wife everything. There was this high priced hooker where I was staying, along with her pimp, trying to hook me. Told my wife.
Wife does the same with me. For some reason she has 70+ year old men drool over her. She is 50.

25 year marriage.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

committed_guy said:


> For my marriage we usually share where we will be and when. Sometimes it's just a "going out to have beer after work" and not details. I'm not hiding it so if she asks I tell her but usually she doesn't care.


This. Although where I work, sometimes the person will invite their spouse to come along after work, too. We're very inclusive that way. But any time one's schedule deviates from the norm, it's common courtesy to simply say you're going out for a drink with some coworkers and will be home around [time]. And I wouldn't be offended if the response to that was a question about where and who would be there and if it sounded fun, "can I join?"


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

diogenes72 said:


> Is it unreasonable or common courtesy to share with your spouse when you go out and where you go out with coworkers and friends when your spouse cannot attend or is not invited?


It's not only reasonable and common courtesy, it's a safety issue. It's important for people who live together to have some idea of where family members are and when they will return. You don't want the buzzards picking you clean for hours before anyone else notices you're not where you're expected to be.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

blueinbr said:


> Of course it is reasonable and common courtesty. Do some spouses not do this?


I'm glad you asked - I couldn't imagine this. I feel it's taking an interest in each other as well as courtesy. I made the arrangements for the most recent dinner with friends and got his opinion between a couple of restaurants, mostly for location that would suit where we were each traveling from. I'd found a new, funky place to try. He was interested how the food was.

If he meets up with the guys after work, it's in the city. Sometimes venue is planned ahead, sometimes not. Afterwards he tells me where they went, what the food was like and such. Basically, it's all about the food. 

We text or phone each other when we're heading home. Calendars are synced for easier planning.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

heartsbeating said:


> We text or phone each other when we're heading home. Calendars are synced for easier planning.


We'll usually only text if we are off schedule or something unexpected comes up. No calendar syncing (not many events) but we do use the "Find My Friends" app for GPS location sharing.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Yes, definitely courteous to do so. And if plans change midstream, just text your SO that you're going somewhere else.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

In the early days of being married, and before the existence of cell phones, Mr. IMFAR and I were both in college. As a single person, I was used to coming and going and not having to tell anyone. One afternoon I went somewhere and didn't come home until late, not realizing that I had someone waiting for me at home who might actually care that I was not home, or that they didn't know where I was, or when I was coming home. 

When I walked in the door, he looked at me and said nonchalantly, "Do you live here?" We proceeded to talk about the need to let each other know where we were and how long we would be gone.

From that moment on I let him know that I was going somewhere and when I expected to be back. He did the same for me.

Yes, it is just common courtesy to let the spouse know what you are doing, who with, where you will be, and when you'll be back.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

CharlieParker said:


> We'll usually only text if we are off schedule or something unexpected comes up. No calendar syncing (not many events) but we do use the "Find My Friends" app for GPS location sharing.


That makes sense. We text or phone as we're leaving I think simply because we want to be in touch with each other. At least that's my perspective. And partly safety and courtesy. If we haven't heard from one another, after a time, we will check in. 

My husband was at training the other week. I hadn't received his 'see you soon' text but gave it some time, carried on with my evening. Time started bordering out of the ordinary. I went to my phone to check in with him and saw his missed call and texts from 15 minutes prior. His car wouldn't start and he was stranded. There's no cabs around here. He was considering walking. I jumped into my car, wearing pajamas, and picked him up. He got his car sorted the next day.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

It would be UNthinkable for myself or husband to not share these things.. it's just a natural outflow ... we want to share ...keeping each other informed or our whereabouts.. the when's .. with who.... he is a part of my life.. we are a team.. 

We often tell stories of those we've been around..what was spoken about.... it's just our way.. it also brings many entertaining conversations too. 

My husband can't sleep when I am out late .. let's say with some friends.. it's a rare thing.. but I've always found that kinda amusing.. then as soon as I get in.. he can go to sleep. If he is away for work.. he'll call me in the am... and we'll facebook pm each other later in the day.. again.. just to hear the low down.. and connect. It's comforting.


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

diogenes72 said:


> I was born in Southern California but, I find my beliefs and values seem to be out of step with the commonly accepted standards of acceptability. Maybe I need to find a more wholesome, religious-oriented partner.


Common courtesy and respect for your partner has nothing to do with being wholesome or religious. 

I'm atheist but I wouldn't dream of just going out without letting my wife know where and when I'd be back, after seeing if she could join us of course.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

From reading your previous posts there seems to be a big disconnect on what you think is appropriate and how you want to live vs what your wife thinks and wants to live. Some coming on here to get validation on what you think is reasonable is silly because many people will agree with you and many people won't, all which don't matter. What matters is what your wife thinks. It seems you need to have a sit down and hash out some of these difference like adults. This is all about expectations, and when your wife doesn't meet yours you get upset. Does your wife agree with these expectations? You need to sit down with her and hash out your differences and come to a agreement on things you aren't happy with.


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