# Confused - Is this Cold Feet or am I making a bad decision?



## pitt27 (Mar 2, 2011)

I am 24 and have been engaged to my fiance for 18 months now. We ste the date for July of this year. I was never really that excited about the whole getting engaged and being married. I do love my fiance though and we have so much in common together. She has been the one person in my life who has cared for me, loved me, and understood me. WE had a lot of fun in the years that we have dated and I never thought twice about breaking up with her. Once we got engaged, I became depressed and nervous. I started having these thoughts about whether I should really do this. I even postponed the wedding to try to get myself more time. This made her really sad and now she has fears that I am going to back out. We lived together during the summer and we had good times but I felt nervous and on edge around her. She went back to school afterwards, and now I cannot feel at home in my apartment any more. I start feeling better when I get rid of her pictures but dont know why. I have been miserable and cant look forward to anything in our future without getting nervous. So you can see how it is for me planning the wedding or even the honeymoon. I love her and still feel happy and excited whenever she is there but when I am by myself I keep questioning things. I really dont want to lose her. One time she said she was going to leave and I started crying. I just want to feel better about the wedding. I am talking to someone about this and she says "well I cant say anything that will get you to break up with her, and thinks that it is just hard for some people to get married. She says it is not always easy for people and sometimes they go against what they want to do the best thing for them in life. I talked to someone else and he said he felt this way too and then felt better after he was married but ai dont know. Plus, I have no experience and have never seriously dated a girl before this. I need to figure out whether I should take the risk of leaving her and try to find someone else knowing that I might not find a girl as good as her, or take the risk of staying with her and getting married and it and myself not being comfortable.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

This is tricky. You didn't really say what you thought was wrong in the relationship.

Do you fear being committed to 1 person the rest of your life or do you fear being committed to you fiance?

I think what your friend said was correct. 

Talk to your fiance about this. be open and honest. Feel listened to. Tell her about your fears. 

It took me awhile to get used to the idea of being married. It is a scary and big step.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

Well, it's hard for anyone else to say if this is cold feet or if it's you making a mistake. Only you know that. And of course, right now, you don't know. 

All you can do is keep thinking about it and keep searching your feelings. Do you really feel excited and happy about/with her, or is it the comfort and familiarity of her and the relationship that you enjoy? Do you really picture yourself with her 5, 10, 15 years from now? Do you see her as the mother of your children, grandmother of your grandchildren? 

I also wonder, you say you were never excited about engagement and marriage. Did you only do it because you felt pressured to? Or at least that you felt you had to because you'd been together the right amount of time? 

If you're really uncertain, the best thing to do would be delay the wedding. Much easier to end things before rather than after you say "I do." She might not be happy with you initially if you postpone the wedding, but I know she'll appreciate later when either you do get married and you're confident in that decision, or she moves to find a man that she does marry and finds that she is much happier.


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## pitt27 (Mar 2, 2011)

There is really nothing wrong in the relationship. There are just some things that I get annoyed with sometimes. Like my fiance is really cute and sweet but she reminds me of a little girl sometimes by the way she acts. Like that kind of personality is cute but when it comes to sex it doesnt turn me on. I don't know how I can picture her as a confident sexy woman. I am attracted to other women with attributes that my fiance lacks.


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## pitt27 (Mar 2, 2011)

Well whenever I am with her we talk about what our kids names are and what we will do in our lives 5 years from now, but when I am by myself I cant bring myself to look at the future, its like I am trying to avoid it. Its hard to look forward to any future plans of ours


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## pitt27 (Mar 2, 2011)

whenever we are at family functions and out seeing people with families i feel good about it and picture our future together, I just dont know why I dont feel that way when I am by myself


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

You are obviously very torn about this. And until you know that you want to walk down that aisle with her, beyond a shadow of a doubt...please don't do it. She will be hurt, of course...but divorce hurts just as bad (if not worse). 

If you're 24 now, and have been engaged for 18 months...taking into account some dating time, you've probably been with her say, since 21 or 22? It sounds to me as though, while you love her and love being around her, you might have some doubt in the back of your mind as to whether she's *really* the girl for you. 

You're already having issues with sex as well. She's not turning you on. I just feel like having those feelings now is going to result in a disastrous future.


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## Lostheart (Feb 21, 2011)

To be honest, you sound like me 3 years ago as I was exactly in your shoes. Now here I am, 27 years old married to a woman who I care very much for, but not not in love with. I love her, for who she is and how we get along, but in love with her I am not. 

We now have a house, car payment, etc...I am now contemplating splitting up with her because I know I am not happy. We compliment each other very well, but I just "went with the flow" and thought it was cold feet. If I had to do it all over again, I would have taken it much slower and enjoyed being 24. 

Marriage is something that is a very big decision, if you are not ready for it, don't jump into the deep end. Take your time, as you have the rest of your life to be married. If she is willing to hear your concerns and wait for you till you are ready, and you come around, your relationship and future marriage will be stronger for it. If you she doesn't, well....you know the answer, and you will be thanking yourself for taking it slow.


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## pitt27 (Mar 2, 2011)

I know that this is not the right time for me to get married. But is it worth losing the love of my life for? I dont think I will ever have it as good as I have it right now. I feel like i will regret my decision if i turn back. What complicates things is that I am a very anxious person and have social anxiety, so I dont know if its my anxiety holding me back or what. Could all this just be commitment phobia that I need to overcome?


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## Lostheart (Feb 21, 2011)

You are the only one that truely knows the right answer. All you are going to get here is advice, and past experiences, that will just give you more information for you to make your decision.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

I also deal with anxiety, and it sounds like a lot could be that. I've dealt with stuff like this before. Commitment phobia could also be a lot of this too.

Have you ever seen a counselor for anxiety? I spent a few years in counseling as a teenager when this all came up for me the first time. I've had to go back in a few times. Unfortunately, the relapse rate for anxiety issues is VERY high. 

If you are still in school, there should be a free counselor to talk to.

It does not sound like you should leave her. This is a huge step, and lifelong commitment is hard. You need to figure out by talking to her or a counselor what you need to feel better or what the hangup is.



> There are just some things that I get annoyed with sometimes. Like my fiance is really cute and sweet but she reminds me of a little girl sometimes by the way she acts. Like that kind of personality is cute but when it comes to sex it doesnt turn me on. I don't know how I can picture her as a confident sexy woman. I am attracted to other women with attributes that my fiance lacks.


 stuff like this is 100% normal. attraction to other people doesn't go away. Small stuff like this can be talked about and through. Sexual confidence will grow. Ask her to roll play it a few times.



> Well whenever I am with her we talk about what our kids names are and what we will do in our lives 5 years from now, but when I am by myself I cant bring myself to look at the future, its like I am trying to avoid it. Its hard to look forward to any future plans of ours


 Do you avoid other situations in your life due to anxiety. This is very common, especially for social anxiety. 

I think your best bet is to tell your fiance how you feel, and that you are dealing with a lot of anxiety. Get in to see a counselor and talk about this. This is totally normal for an anxious person, but it sucks to go through.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

You aren't ready to make that kind of commitment and nothing good is going to come from forcing yourself to do something you aren't ready for. You lament that you haven't dated anyone else and you don't know what else is out there. That feeling will remain even after you're wearing a ring. Take a breather from the relationship and use the time to figure out who you are and what you want/need. I do believe that before you're ready to live with someone else you need to be comfortable living by yourself.


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## pitt27 (Mar 2, 2011)

thank you aux for the reassurance. It feels good to have some additional confidence and to know that others have went through what I am currently dealing with. I am seeing a therapist right now and she keeps reassuring me that this is something I need to get myself through and that I would be in a better situation for it. I know she is good for me in my life and I know it is a challenge for me to spend the rest of my life with someone, but I know this is the one I want to do it with. So thank you. Anybody else with anxiety symptoms that is about to get married?


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

One last note for now. 

I love that my wife loves me despite my anxiety issues and the issues that they have caused in our relationship (my story is in my profile). My ex (its good I didn't end up with her) was too good for my anxiety issues.



> I know that this is not the right time for me to get married. But is it worth losing the love of my life for? I dont think I will ever have it as good as I have it right now.





> , but I know this is the one I want to do it with.


Figure this out. I'm not sure what this means in your situation. If you absolutely need to ask to delay the wedding. Either way, stay in counseling and watch your anxiety around her when arguing.


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## Dayhiker (Mar 5, 2011)

Don't walk down the aisle unless you are firm that this is what you want. Take the time to figure this out unless you already know. If you can't walk her down the aisle, let her go so she can find somebody who will.


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