# Separated but still in love



## maggie1385 (2 mo ago)

Hi
My husband and I have been separated for 10 months. I moved out 10 months ago but he emotionally disengaged 13 months ago.

ling story short, he made me move 3 times in the last 4years for his job. I was taking care of our little girl. Last move happened in the middle of the pandemic, I was depressed, felt alone. He was more and more emotionally distant, not wanting spending time with me and us as a family, saying it was dull..
I went back to work and started getting close with a male colleague.. we kissed and I started developing feelings for him. I was shocked it could happen as I’ve always been so madly in love with my husband (13 years together, never looked at another men). I guess my marriage was already in shambles back then and my husband emotionally checked out but I failed to recognize it..
I told my husband what happened and wanted to start working on our marriage.
We went to see a therapist but it was only a formality as he asked for a divorce after the 4th session. Turns out he was already on dating apps, even before he learned about my emotional affair!
Since then, we’ve been living separated but on good terms. In the beginning he refused to be civil to me since I was still hoping he would come back.
After summer break(went to Europe for 2 months) I came back a new person. He saw my transformation and started getting closer, wanting to talk to me, not mentioning divorce anymore, wanting to have brunch with me and our daughter. This gave me false hope but nothing happened. I started being nicer to him and then he started telling me again how happy he is as a single man.
The problem is he’s still stalling the divorce.
What can be the reason for that??


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

what reason do you think he would have for stalling the D
could it be that it is cheaper for him or could it be he is thinking a bird in the hand 
keep his fall back girl if he can't find a woman 

women that are open to a new relationship find it easier to find a new guy than men he might have tried his hand in the dating app world for a time and hit on a lot of bad eggs 
then went back to dating you if we can call it that and around the same time came across a woman that might be a potential 

what they say about a couple that brakes up is mostly true 
the woman is most often the one that takes it the hardest first but after time she rebounds and finds her wings the men run out thinking they are gods gift to women and after time are left sore and start crying about the ex and often end up one or two years longer very bitter about all women


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

maggie1385 said:


> Hi
> My husband and I have been separated for 10 months. I moved out 10 months ago but he emotionally disengaged 13 months ago.
> 
> ling story short, he made me move 3 times in the last 4years for his job. I was taking care of our little girl. Last move happened in the middle of the pandemic, I was depressed, felt alone. He was more and more emotionally distant, not wanting spending time with me and us as a family, saying it was dull..
> ...


Why is he stalling the divorce? Who knows, it could be lots of things. But you don’t really need his participation, you can get the divorce if you want it. So why are _you_ stalling the divorce?


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> But you don’t really need his participation, you can get the divorce if you want it. So why are _you_ stalling the divorce?


now that is the real question


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

He’s interested in you because he doesn’t have you. However he’s still dating and checking out women, You should move on. He was cheating on you, he’s not a catch.


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

You said he’s on dating apps and he even mentioned he enjoyed being single. So he’s stringing you along until he has someone else firmly in place. Hopefully you’re not having sex with him. 

Read about the 180 and implement it.


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## maggie1385 (2 mo ago)

Beyondrepair007, that is a very good question.
I guess i still have hope. Although I’m pretty much sure at this point, the reason he’s stalling it’s purely financial..
But.. when I was begging and pathetic he pushed for us to divorce .
When I accepted, he stopped mentioning it altogether..
So it gave me some False hope..


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## Exit37 (3 mo ago)

Your affair wasn't emotional, it was physical. And while you say he was on dating apps while you were having your affair, you didn't know it at the time, and you engaged in your affair anyway. 

What this means is you really should stop trying to fix your marriage, both of you have checked out. He's a jerk who became emotionally distant and may have been looking to have an affair, and you're the jerk who had an affair when times got tough. It's probably best for everyone, including your small child, to call it quits and concentrate on being the best co-parents you can be. I hope it works out for you.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

So, I would guess it's $$$ and the fact that he's ok with things as they are -- it's just too much of a hassle for him to pursue the divorce. He already has the freedom he wants without the formal alimony/child support/etc. being mandated, so for HIM, it's a win


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## maggie1385 (2 mo ago)

Yes, it was physical but so sex.
We are both jerks for sure, me more than him for kissing another man.
But, in times of crisis we do stupid things and forget to communicate properly.
I still love him so I don’t agree I checked out. I wanted to save our marriage and still do.
I made a poor choice though and I understand he wanted out. So I guess I just need to accept it and file for divorce myself.


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## bygone (11 mo ago)

It is not believable for cheaters to say that they love their spouse.

You have proven that life can be lived without it, that you can attract the attention of those around you,

You'll be better off without him and he'll find someone

you should initiate the divorce

it will be better for your husband like this


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## maggie1385 (2 mo ago)

Please let me be the judge of that.

I still love him and it’s a fact.
If I didn’t, I would have let him go ages away. I am independent financially and could just go and pursue someone else easily.

now, I agree that he thinks it’ll be better for him if we divorce and I need to respect that.
However, I also know that we loved each other very much through the majority of our married life, we just didn’t do the necessary work when the first crisis came (it was a honey moon period for 10 years so we weren’t used to dealing with crisis in our marriage!)
We were both too immature I guess and just thought that marriage is always butterflies and roses which it isn’t.


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## maggie1385 (2 mo ago)

frenchpaddy said:


> what reason do you think he would have for stalling the D
> could it be that it is cheaper for him or could it be he is thinking a bird in the hand
> keep his fall back girl if he can't find a woman
> 
> ...


I think you’re right French Paddy.
He never gave me any signal ,other than wanting to spend more time with me, that he was thinking about going back to me.
The problem is I’m always available and I always say says whenever he wants to spend time with me.
I need to change that.


SCDad01 said:


> You said he’s on dating apps and he even mentioned he enjoyed being single. So he’s stringing you along until he has someone else firmly in place. Hopefully you’re not having sex with him.
> 
> Read about the 180 and implement it.


no I’m not.
But I allow him to sit in my house and talk to me for hours when he’s picking up our daughter which is not the right thing to do.

i need to start implementing 180. Otherwise I’ll go crazy.
But as we have a child together it’s not that easy to follow it..


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

People tend to concentrate on the good memories when they are still full of hope.

Don’t let false hope be a cage you put yourself in. He is on dating apps and said he enjoys being single. It looks pretty clear …..


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

maggie1385 said:


> no I’m not.
> But I allow him to sit in my house and talk to me for hours when he’s picking up our daughter which is not the right thing to do.
> 
> i need to start implementing 180. Otherwise I’ll go crazy.
> But as we have a child together it’s not that easy to follow it..





maggie1385 said:


> no I’m not.
> But I allow him to sit in my house and talk to me for hours when he’s picking up our daughter which is not the right thing to do.
> 
> i need to start implementing 180. Otherwise I’ll go crazy.
> But as we have a child together it’s not that easy to follow it..


Yeah I would end the long conversations. Really the only time you need to talk to him is when it concerns your child. Otherwise, be unavailable. Don’t let him have his cake and eat it too. And that doesn’t always apply to sex. Your time is the most valuable thing you can give a person. He needs to think that you are happy and moving on. Even if you have to fake it at this point.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

maggie1385 said:


> Hi
> My husband and I have been separated for 10 months. I moved out 10 months ago but he emotionally disengaged 13 months ago.
> 
> ling story short, he made me move 3 times in the last 4years for his job. I was taking care of our little girl. Last move happened in the middle of the pandemic, I was depressed, felt alone. He was more and more emotionally distant, not wanting spending time with me and us as a family, saying it was dull..
> ...


Well, right now I guess he reckons he has both you and whoever he chooses to date. So it doesn't sound like he's in any hurry to be monogamous.


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## maggie1385 (2 mo ago)

The problem is, I took the blame for all this since I was the one who kissed another man and carried on with me emotional affair for a couple months (without even realizing initially I was in one!)
So now, he’s feeling entitled to act the way he acts and I feel like I don’t have the right to be mad at him, treat him coldly etc.
But, I just can’t carry on like that.
I did everything I could, our therapist said I couldn’t have done more and the main problem, according to her, was that my husband couldn’t admit his faults too and that he just constantly looks for something better (hence all the moves and now that, and also a lot of projecting before all this happen, telling me that I will surely leave him one day etc)
I am dealing with a lot of guilt and take a lot of c*** from him since I was the one who strayed.
But I know that I don’t have to. I’m trying to forgive myself and I hope once that happens I will be able to turn the page and move on with my life.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

*


maggie1385 said:



What can be the reason for that??

Click to expand...

*You never heard the expression, "it's cheaper to keep her?" I'm willing to bet he's been to a lawyer or has looked up the alimony/child support laws in your state and realizes he might end up living in a cardboard box once everything is legal and he has to commit to sending those checks every month.

The other likely reason is because even though he's enjoying his single life (and trust me, he's dating and doing everything else that comes with it even though he's probably telling you he isn't), he'd like to keep you as an *option* should he eventually want to come back home. Sure, right now he's having a good time while _*you're*_ the one keeping the home fires burning and probably parenting your child the overwhelming majority of the time (stopping by to see her for an hour or taking his daughter to the movies and McDonald's is NOT co-parenting). If you push the divorce then Mr. Wonderful has to choke up the money for a lawyer, see half of both your assets divided between the two of you, possibly lose a portion of his retirement, possibly have to pay you alimony if you have a shark of a lawyer who insists on fighting for it, and he'd have to pay child support because I kind of doubt Casanova wants his daughter 50% of the time - that would cramp the new single guy's bachelor life. Waiting around for Mr. Wonderful just tells him that if his new single life eventually becomes NOT so much fun, there's always good old you to fall back on. Plan B. The Default Option.

Wow, how flattering.

So of *course* he doesn't want to divorce. There is ZERO benefit for *HIM* in it. And you've foolishly allowed this to become The All About HIM Show by allowing HIM to make decisions for both of you.

Go to your lawyer and stop letting this ass-hole decide FOR you what direction your life is going in. Why on earth you keep allowing HIM to call all the shots just shows him you're willing to wait around like a good little lapdog, hoping he'll come home while he's out having his fun. Just be done with this assclown already.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

maggie1385 said:


> Yes, it was physical but so sex.
> We are both jerks for sure, me more than him for kissing another man.
> But, in times of crisis we do stupid things and forget to communicate properly.
> I still love him so I don’t agree I checked out. I wanted to save our marriage and still do.
> I made a poor choice though and I understand he wanted out. So I guess I just need to accept it and file for divorce myself.


It's hard to communicate with someone when they don't want to. I don't blame you one bit. People don't take things seriously sometimes until it slaps them in the face. But, if he doesn't want to go to therapy and is not working on the relationship to improve things, and he's not recognizing that he disengaged, then I think it may be time to move on.


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## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

maggie1385 said:


> Hi
> My husband and I have been separated for 10 months. I moved out 10 months ago but he emotionally disengaged 13 months ago.
> 
> ling story short, he made me move 3 times in the last 4years for his job. I was taking care of our little girl. Last move happened in the middle of the pandemic, I was depressed, felt alone. He was more and more emotionally distant, not wanting spending time with me and us as a family, saying it was dull..
> ...


Same old story, wife claims her husband wasn`t giving her enough attention, so she cheats and finds solace with another man and deflects most of the blame on her husband for cheating.
Your husband probably is stalling a divorce because he knows that in most divorce cases the husband will lose half or more of his assets, stung for alimony, child support and only given visitation rights to his child on his wife`s terms.
I believe under the law that if a married couple have been separated for 2 years they can automatically get a divorce. So you only need to wait another 14 months and your husband won`t be able to stall any more.
Bottom line, you shouldn`t have cheated and now trying to win your husband back or reconciling the marriage is going to be extremely difficult even impossible.
BTW, any partner who cheats is not madly in love with their partner because if a partner truly loves you, no one could ever steal that partner away, not under any circumstances. 
Cheating is a choice, not something that happens by chance. As they say; it takes 2 to tango that can lead to the last waltz.


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## Zedd (Jul 27, 2021)

If I were you, I'd actually push for the divorce. Get it done and over with. If he wants to keep talking to you after that's done and start a new relationship with you, he has that choice, as do you. You also have the choice to not do so if you don't like how you're being treated by him.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

gameopoly5 said:


> Same old story, wife claims her husband wasn`t giving her enough attention, so she cheats and finds solace with another man and deflects most of the blame on her husband for cheating.


Could you please stop gaslighting and minimizing this? Stop generalizing women this way.


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## maggie1385 (2 mo ago)

gameopoly5 said:


> Same old story, wife claims her husband wasn`t giving her enough attention, so she cheats and finds solace with another man and deflects most of the blame on her husband for cheating.
> Your husband probably is stalling a divorce because he knows that in most divorce cases the husband will lose half or more of his assets, stung for alimony, child support and only given visitation rights to his child on his wife`s terms.
> I believe under the law that if a married couple have been separated for 2 years they can automatically get a divorce. So you only need to wait another 14 months and your husband won`t be able to stall any more.
> Bottom line, you shouldn`t have cheated and now trying to win your husband back or reconciling the marriage is going to be extremely difficult even impossible.
> ...


I never blamed him for what happened and I admitted I made a poor choice in a time of crisis. I was trying to paint the picture of what happened and why I did what i did.
That doesn’t automatically mean I didn’t love my husband, it means that at that very moment I mad e a poor decision instead of continuing to love him and work on our relationship.

also, it was his choice not communicating his unhappiness when he was supposed to, disengaging, checking out before my cheating, going on dating apps before I even told him about the kiss and the emotional affair, choosing dating apps over our family, sleeping with the woman he met the dating app while we were in counseling etc. etc.

and I know you’ll probably say that I opened the can of worms, but as you pointed out, it takes two to tango. 
Even though I was the one who kissed a guy first and told my husband straight away about it,wasn’t it cheating him going on dating sites without me knowing it way before he knew about the kiss?
I just think when you spend more than a decade with some and have a kid together, and have had a great relationship overall, you try a bit more.
But I also know that that’s just me and I can’t force anyone. So I’ll just graciously let him go..


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## bygone (11 mo ago)

a few days ago a lady wrote about her husband

She has been married for 18 years and shared her problems without cheating on her husband.

showed her respect for herself, her marriage, her husband,

she and you love your husband!!

let me change my answer for you

You should be with someone who looks at love the way you do,

you are a lucky woman, you have economic and social freedom

You must be beautiful, what you wrote implies that you won't have a problem finding a man,

You don't even need to write these, you proved that you can have a relationship, you wrote

Just kissing!

Where did the man's hands go?

How long did flirt/affair last?

How did you treat your husband while you were dating, he must have noticed that you were flirting!

Is the man married?

What if she's married and her family finds out?

your husband cheated on you too, divorce


you have to move on with your life


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## maggie1385 (2 mo ago)

I never said “just kissing”
Also, are you married?
It’s never that “black and white” and easy, as you painted it,in marriage.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

_The past is written.
The future needs to be lived, then written. -The Typist_

Going forward, make better decisions.
The new past will then be better written. -TT

_Those who are without sin can cast the first stone. -Bible_

With that in mind, there are plenty of stones, very few tossers. -TT


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## maggie1385 (2 mo ago)

I totally acknowledge my wrongs in that situation and I’m paying for the consequences of my actions.
It’s a hard pill to swallow but I’m slowly accepting it and will definitely be learning a lot from my mistakes. I already feel like I’m a changed woman.
To still love him and not have any control over it is killing me (and I know he loves me too) but I now need to accept his choice.
Thank you all for your constructive feedback and for welcoming me to this forum without throwing stones at me!


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Sadly, love doesn’t mean your marriage will work (I know that all too well) so, yes, you need to accept his choice and move on. If you haven’t made a plan for your new life, you need to.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

maggie1385 said:


> To still love him


The problem here is that "love" has nothing to do with anything. It's what drove, and still is driving away the relationship in the marriage that is what it's wrong. He's punishing you, regardless of his own behavior, and that's that. 

You don't have to take the disrespect, but you had, and still, are taking it. 

Marriage and relationships take two to tango. So it seems by your own explanation of things that you need to realize that he's in a different frame of mind than you are toward the relationship. He's having his cake and eating it too, while you're the supplicant martyr, waiting for a sign that things will change your way.

After almost a year, you need to realize that it's time that you take matters into your own hands and push for a resolution by serving him with divorce papers like right now. If that doesn't sways him and instead he gets angry and vindictive, then you have your answer. STOP, wasting your time and your life. We only have one life to live, and we have NO TIME to waste it.

Right now, you might be stuck in "I love him " mode out of guilt, or whatever, but as anyone in this world that loved and loved again, can proclaim and testify that you can love again, and most likely with a better more compatible person, you should start, after all this time, getting into what's next for me, and how do achieve this?

And start living your life already like he's been long gone out of your life, and he's nothing but the co-parent to your child, or children. He's already doing it, so why aren't you?


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## maggie1385 (2 mo ago)

Thank you Rob, this is the kind of message I needed. I will tell him I’m filing for the divorce.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

maggie1385 said:


> Thank you Rob, this is the kind of message I needed. I will tell him I’m filing for the divorce.


If I were you, I wouldn't tell him. I would just serve him with the divorce papers once they're ready. If that doesn't shock him, you'd have your answer. 

Telling him just creates immediate tensions and back and forth that are not needed.


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## maggie1385 (2 mo ago)

I was hoping you could help me with this dilemma I’m having.
My STBXH is now working even more than usual(he’s always been a workaholic) and kind of neglects our daughter.
She spent the weekend with him and came back wearing the same clothes I sent her with, tangled hair etc.
I don’t know how to react to that. I immediately told him I’ll have her more while he’s finishing up a big project(4 weeks left) but now that I think about it, it’s not acceptable. And I shouldn’t be offering help while he’s enjoying his single life, still socializes and probably dates other women.
He was the one who wanted this, he said he will be taking care of her 50%, and I also have my career and my future to think about.
What do you advise?


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## Zedd (Jul 27, 2021)

maggie1385 said:


> What do you advise?


document it. Journal type entries of all the times he has her - make sure you include times with no issues, but when there are, also include photos if applicable. you might not need it, but if you need it and you don't have it...


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## bygone (11 mo ago)

"We both cheated, you have a thought that I am not bad, life is not black and white, everyone commits adultery", you think that you need to cover up and live with love, moreover, you did your best in marriage.

This is the general meaning of your writings.

Everyone lives in the same conditions as you.

The decisions you make describe your character, not your husband's.

No need to write long. your backup plan is already ready.

congratulations on your divorce

You have everything you need to live a happy life


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## maggie1385 (2 mo ago)

I did not commit adultery. (Please look up the definition of adultery).
But that doesn’t matter now because I’m divorcing and I admit that it’s mainly my fault.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

maggie1385 said:


> and kind of neglects our daughter.




You need to start documenting everything he does not do for the care of your daughter. Do things like take a picture of how she looks when she's going to her father, then take a picture of her when she comes back. "Kind of" is too ambiguous, can't prove anything with that. You need factual documentation that shows and prove that he is neglecting his daughter.

Also, If I were you his 50/50 is his time with her. You should enforce that, and not to fall in the trap of you losing your "me time" to care for your child while he's doing whatever that he is doing, other than taking care of his child. That is, unless, you reach to a conclusion that his neglect is detrimental to your daughter and you can prove it. Then you could try to push for sole custody, with him getting supervised visitations. Like I said, you MUST prove that he is actually neglecting his child and that that neglect is detrimental to the child. 































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































You might need this if you gauge that he's neglecting her. Rights now he should be taking his 50% responsibility, so do not get suckered into taking care of your daughter during his allotted time; otherwise, he will take advantage of you. You need to live your own life too, just like him. Only if you come to the realization that he's not taking care of her, then you should have all the documentation to takeay his custody arrangement, and go for supervse visitation.































































































































































































































































Trust your guts, if the evidence points to


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## maggie1385 (2 mo ago)

I also have a question regarding 180 technique- I was available and always happy to talk to him before but I’ve changed it now.
He seems confused.
Should I tell him that I’m establishing boundaries or should I just do it without telling him?


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## Zedd (Jul 27, 2021)

You don't need to tell him anything. The 180 is for you, not to punish him. you shouldn't care if he seems confused, or bothered, or doesn't even notice. If he asks about what's going on, simply say you're focusing on your mental well being or some generic thing.


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