# Stuck in rut... Now what?



## dsGrazzl3D (Apr 22, 2013)

I now realize that "the fake thrills of pornography and masturbation" fills approax. 70-90% of my 16 year marriage, and has no appaerance of changing.

My marriage goes through ruts in sex. Sometimes it is 2-3 times a month, but sometimes only once... 
I am in one of the dry speels. 

I hate coming here for the "HIGH" verus "LOW" sex drive debate. It seems that for me, I gain no real sense of hope. I guess when I married young, I did not think about it. I expected sex and romance would get better.

I'm just frustrated. 
Yes, I seem to have a higher sex drive than my wife. 
Yes, it could be medical. We both have our own health issues.
Her complaint about me is going hot/cold emotionally... I admitt I can do that. I have been working on the whole mirror issues. She has noticed in last 5-10 years a much bigger and better improvement (in my attitude about not pressuring her about sex). She does not work on herself at all. Her health over all mentally, physically, and sexually health seems to do the opposite as mine!?!? 

I'm just frustrated. 
Anybody think I'm going to be able to make my marriage last once kids are gone?
I'm just frustrated.


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## pierrematoe (Sep 6, 2013)

Sorry about your troubles. Can you provide more info about the medical and health issues for both you and your wife that you refer to? Those are a big hurdle and can make sex unpleasant, painful or undesired while they exist.

Can't really help you more until I know how significant these issues are.

Hoping for the best for you


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

"Anybody think I'm going to be able to make my marriage last once kids are gone?"

Nope, not me. -I was thinking it probably would not last that long. Certainly by the time the kids are gone you would have built up way too much resentment. 

Why not get divorced?


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

OP you created this long ago..and your wife got comfortable with you outsourcing your sex life to porn...and she is fine with her own sexuality and ways of coping. You are on her sex schedule..which will lessen if you let it.

The problem is at the time you catered to your wife you realized long ago her drive was not yours and being an immature male you did not force the issue because you were satiated with the sporadic somewhat regular sex your wife allowed. You were scared of challenging her and ending up in a worse position.

This made her lose attraction for you.

Now you as you say are stuck. Join the club.

Here are your options:

Accept it
Outsource
*Try to improve it
Split*

If you are unhappy with the outsourcing or accepting it then you are left with two choices.

BOTH involve bringing the issue to a head...and holding your wife accountable...for being your wife AND meeting your need for sex.

People only change if they WANT or HAVE to.

This has to become the huge Elephant in the room the evil thing that needs fixed. You need to address the other issues in your marriage and basically make your wife uncomfortable continuing status quo. You have to change the dynamics where she feels justified keeping you without "enough" sex and in effect not doing her role.

Its difficult as can be but do not back down... you have leverage YOU. It will likely get much worse before it gets better.

I wish you luck but the road is long and hard... you almost have to tear the thing to the ground in order to rebuild a new marriage form scratch with no bad habits from the old one. Both of you must be accountable for learning the lessons of the past.

It takes a while to get there but slowly it happens. Good thing there are years ahead to get to better.


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## dsGrazzl3D (Apr 22, 2013)

Trying2figureitout said:


> OP you created this long ago..and your wife got comfortable with you outsourcing your sex life to porn...and she is fine with her own sexuality and ways of coping. You are on her sex schedule..which will lessen if you let it.
> 
> The problem is at the time you catered to your wife you realized long ago her drive was not yours and being an immature male you did not force the issue because you were satiated with the sporadic somewhat regular sex your wife allowed. You were scared of challenging her and ending up in a worse position.
> 
> ...



:scratchhead:
Actually you are pretty much right. 
I'm now not so hostile. I took my own advice & just talked with her. _(Best advise you give is also the best advise you should take yourself)_ 

We both have health issues. I'ver got Diabetes (managed fairly well, and ADHD) along with sleep apnea, and still am :fluffy-tohusky". She has Epilepsy, Anixety, Premenstrual dysphoric disorder, and she is also overwieght. Our oldest 16 yr old has Asperger. We think my wife may also have this... Her personality and his are very, very, very similar in nature. 

But at one time back in our marriage she told me that she never wanted to discover me cheating activally, or viewing porn. I clarified that she would prefer for me to not have any issues of these to deal with. Let me say my relioguos convictions would not allow me to even entertain cheating as a possiblity. I think that is the ONLY reason for divorce. Possibly violence, also could be in there as a reason, however neither my wife nor I are agressive people. From time to time when I do go overboard with viewing porn I get caught. She would consider Sports Illustrated Swimsiut magazine as porn. Well, this past weekend was our 16 year wedding annaversary. 

I had TOTALLY (and yes conventally) forgotten she busted me view "bikini babes" on our shared PC s few nights earlier. Tonight as I told her about how I really did not have a good time, she reminded me it was not all her fault. She's right, as too was Trying2figureitout. 

I have to be so pateint though... She pointed out that I wear my emotions on my sleave. That part is true about me. I'm a goofy guy of whom watched way too much porn as a pre-teen and teen. I am very, very over critical of my own sexually performance. That was not always known, nor did I communicate this very well in the first few years of our marriage. 

She had even told me she misses being intimate with me. I think the health issues frustrates me more than anything b/c it's not in her control to have issues. Likewise, it's not her fault for clearly being upset at me for viewing porn when I know that it upsets her and pushes her away from me.

I think our drive are a little different. **BUT** I'm not sure that is all of our problems. I have a strong dislike of people of whom can dish out, but not take what they themselves serve. Hypocrisy is worth fighting against. I think that the best way to fight this, is to strive to be more honest with yourself and those closest to you (everyday more and more).

Sorry to vent. Thanks for those whom did respond.


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## Janky (Nov 26, 2013)

I remember my ex saying "she missed being intimate with me" when ever we talked about the absence of intimacy in our relationship.

Hearing comments like that from her when she was the one withholding caused even more resentment from me.

Both of you have health issues, so i really cant compare the reasoning from her end.

I made it close to a year and a half before calling it quits and moving on.

It was the best decision I ever made as I am no longer depressed or angry all the time. After getting out of that relationship and being happy again, I reflected on why I even stuck around as long as I did.

How are you dealing with resentment? I know deep down it has to effect you one way or another.


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## dsGrazzl3D (Apr 22, 2013)

Janky said:


> I remember my ex saying "she missed being intimate with me" when ever we talked about the absence of intimacy in our relationship.
> Hearing comments like that from her when she was the one withholding caused even more resentment from me.
> I made it close to a year and a half before calling it quits and moving on. I am no longer depressed or angry all the time. After getting out of that relationship and being happy again.


Sorry to hear about your past relationship. Great thing is that relationships and life will always be different for different people... As I truely believe that this life is a journey where we are not meant to understand all that happens. We are suppose to simply grow everyday to become a better person! 



Janky said:


> How are you dealing with resentment? I know deep down it has to effect you one way or another.
> Both of you have health issues, so i really cant compare the reasoning from her end.





> *re·sent·ment*
> noun \ri-'zent-m?nt\
> 
> : a feeling of anger or displeasure about someone or something unfair LINK


The detailed intellect in me had to start with this definiation. I do intialling get hurt and it swelling into bursts of raw frustration and anger. I do get worried that I could forget my value of loyality and fidelity during these bursts of rage. 

***BUT***I'm more mature now. I do recognize that I do run hot and cold. The person of whom I am, does not harbour such hurt for somebody that I love _(at least for very long)_. I get into a breif "fog" of resentment, then realise that she is my life partner and if I made such a HUGE vow, then I should be able to live with those choices. We make choices everyday to be in the relationship and continue with the vows we made... Even if those vows seems to be made in a very far off life long ago in different times.

**Side note she busted me  while I was typing this & we had a row about how my PC time makes her jealious... Kinda' more telling :lol: and I can now hear that old Alanis Morris song playing in the background**

Off to bed & might have to stay away (from TAM) for while, again...


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Are you saying your wife is not active or you are not active at time?


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

No it won't last once the kids are gone. For some people, myself included the only thing keeping the marriage together is children and the desire to see their little faces everyday.

The absence of that will be coming home to a comfortable but asexual roomate. Which is not what anybody wants.


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## samasche (Mar 28, 2014)

I made it close to a year and a half before calling it quits and moving on.


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## dsGrazzl3D (Apr 22, 2013)

I've been rethinking my outlook on resentment. Everytime I "push away" emotionally to keep my distance... I keep telling myself it's b/c I don't want to explode on my wife. That's only partially true. I think it would help if things go south that I'm already both pyhscially and emotionally 'away' from her. 
It is also so I can say to myself that I was not attracted in the first place. The last one is more of a lie I tell myself & always forget when she gets "playful". I guess the release of the anger in those moments is great. Unfortuniatally though, it never seems to last but for maybe a day or so. 
Still in the dry spell I grumble more to myself in being "comfrotable numb".


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

dsGrazzl3D said:


> I've been rethinking my outlook on resentment. Everytime I "push away" emotionally to keep my distance... I keep telling myself it's b/c I don't want to explode on my wife. That's only partially true. I think it would help if things go south that I'm already both pyhscially and emotionally 'away' from her.
> It is also so I can say to myself that I was not attracted in the first place. The last one is more of a lie I tell myself & always forget when she gets "playful". I guess the release of the anger in those moments is great. Unfortuniatally though, it never seems to last but for maybe a day or so.
> Still in the dry spell I grumble more to myself in being "comfrotable numb".


Quit your crying a make use of this time. You have a great opportunity to re-create your marriage. It'll get much worse until it finally gets better. Be the man don't accept scraps.


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## idellzaiti (Mar 31, 2014)

I was thinking it probably would not last that long.


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## dsGrazzl3D (Apr 22, 2013)

nikoled said:


> Our relationship is improving by leaps and bounds. We have both had to take responsibility for some shortfalls in the past, but I really wish my husband had talked to me about this sooner so we could have addressed something that I didn't even realize was as big of an issue as it is.


Thanks. I still go up and down. Again I think it may be a few different factors. I made an agreement when I said; "I do", that I would make sure my boys grew up knowing their father... I was raised mostly by my dad (of whom is struggling with health issues now). I think my wife would have a hard time living a happy and healthy life without me. I honestly think she would go into a "home" as in nursing, or _'managed care (mental/looney) facility' _... I do general care about her well being. I just don't like waiting for my boys to become men. In the meant time I am trying to be more and more honest with both my wife and myself. I also have a deep religious conviction that marriage can only be broken for a few specific reasons. Violence, and adultery (So far neither apply to us)... 

*I've gotten to a point in life where I have a self made mantra "Fight hypocrisy, Be honest"... Thanks for listening thou*


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