# What if I'm not sure?



## WhoIsIt (Dec 28, 2010)

This is my first post, so hi! I've been married for over 10 years, and together for almost 15. We have two children and are a mid-30s professional upper-middle class couple, yaddah yaddah So yeah--we were high school friends who fell in love later.

To make a long story short (I have the longer version typed up, but it's really long!), my wife admitted to a flirting with an aggressive younger co-worker and had recently befriended him on Facebook. She told me over and over that they never "crossed any lines" and I had nothing to worry about--it was just "good buddy" type stuff and never inappropriate. But I _was _constantly worrying and being jealous, to the point where I almost sought counseling for my own insecurities because I was afraid I would drive her away.

There were a few things that led me to be so jealous. One, I knew this guy was angling for her just from what she told me. Second, her FB relationship came out of nowhere, and the day after I brought it up she changed her FB password (she didn't tell me this, I found out when I looked at the Internet history on a hunch). I know she also asked him an inappropriate question on FB to get his reaction, but didn't directly ask him anything sexual. Finally, as she described some of his many compliments to her, I could see that he had struck a nerve and my gut told me she had an interest, however small or undefined.

This had been going on for a few months, with me agonizing and worrying that (a) she was lying and pursuing something, or (b) I was making mountains out of molehills. All this time, she never came home late, didn't act too different sexually or affectionately, and her texting/phone habits never changed. I finally broke down and told her that I was ready to trust her, but needed to see a counselor to work through my jealousy.

She then told me that they actually had crossed some lines. She admitted that they had hugged a few times. Worse, at one point on a Facebook chat he got very descriptive and tried to initiate cybersex, to the point of telling her all the naughty things he would do to her is she was with him. She says she didn't participate or reciprocate, but also didn't know how to tell him to stop. 

My gut told me there was more to this, so I asked on a hunch if they'd ever kissed. She started crying and said that the day after the FB incident, she teased him about having a very vivid imagination. When he said he really could do all those things to her, she joked, "Why don't you come over here and show me then?" To her utter surprise, he pulled her into a dark room nearby and kissed her--briefly but passionately. She claims this was shocking and surreal, but says she also kissed him back. Her head was swimming and it happened very quickly. He left work before they could talk further, but the next day he asked if she wanted to see more. She said no, and that it had to be a one-time thing--he seeemed fine with that. 

This was three or four weeks ago, and since then she says they've just been friendly and "jokey" but crossing any lines at all. She insists adamantly that there was no affair, she never had sex or did anything sexual, and never saw him outside of work.

I am agonizing over whether to believe nothing else happened. I know she's hidden a few things from me (she doesn't know I know), but I haven't found anything major because I haven't looked. She says there never really was chemistry, and that I'm reading way more into it than actually exists. That said, she admits that she was acting wrong, that the kissing was wrong, and that I am right to be upset and angry. She is willing to end the FB friendship and tell him that (a) she told me what happened, and (b) they can't pursue any flirting or anything inappropriate. She can't avoid contact with him at work because of their respective positions. She is willing to seek counseling with me, but I suspect it is only to help _me _ deal with it. She says she feels like she's already moved on. (As a point of emphasis, she found out more recently that he is a player with several girlfriends and figures he was just charming her to see if she would take the bait. She says there's no sexual interest on her part.)

My dilemma is obviously whether her story adds up, and whether she really doesn't have any chemistry or further attraction. My questions are (a) should I search her e-mail, etc., to find out more information and to see if she has lied, (b) should I install a keylogger to see if she's really discontinuing the non-professional side of the relationship, and most importantly (c) if this is all that happened what do I do? I've already forgiven her, to the extent that I can being unsure of the extent. If I found out there was more, I will probably have to leave her because the trust will be dissolved.


----------



## Powerbane (Nov 8, 2010)

She's crossed the line a few times and you're still agonizing over whether or not to gather more evidence?

Get a GRIP my man!!!!

Snoop until you are satisfied. Email, Facebook, chat ---- EVERYTHING! 

If it were my wife I would have already gone so far as her quitting the job and sending him a No Contact letter! 

She's still clearly enamored with him dude. 

Get over to Affaircare and or Marriage builders for a more complete look at how affairs start and what you can do at this stage. I'd say it's a full blown EA - emotional affair and quite possible a fully PA - physical affair. I know kissing would be the line for physical with me. 

Protect yourself and snoop and if you find anything - expose to everyone you can. Expose to friends family work - everywhere. Do not let on you are snooping or else it will drive them underground. 

I wish you luck and strength - you're going to need it
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I would think the first thing you should do is request her e-mail/computer/FB/phone passwords (including any online access to chat and phone history), and satisfy yourself as much as possible that you have the whole story. If she denies you any of that, you have to ask yourself what she's hiding. The keylogger thing is a good idea too.

Second, you should start talking seriously with her to find out WHY she did what she did. Are there needs that she feels aren't being met? Things that she wants from you? She's the one that chose to do what she did, but the problems that lead to that are likely on both sides. Even if you stop what's gone on, if you don't address those problems, it might just be a matter of time before it happens again.

C


----------



## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Treat her admissions to this point using the iceberg theory.

She's admitted 10% of what happened.

Verify and be prepared for worse.


----------



## WhoIsIt (Dec 28, 2010)

Well, I bit the bullet and logged on to her e-mail. She's deleted anything having to do with the guy. I know this because there is still stuff in her trash from earlier this week, but nothing from the last FB message I know about. I'm sure she's cleaned out her FB account, too.

My only hope is that she's telling the truth when she says she deleted things because she was afraid I would overreact. I probably did overreact to some things.

I don't have any solid evidence of anything now, so I guess all I have are my options for moving forward.

This really, really sucks.


----------



## Powerbane (Nov 8, 2010)

Also - if she does in fact have continued feelings for this person - they will continue everytime she sees him. Even if it's in passing. I would also be in his grill about kissing her. That is unacceptable. I would go as far as going to his management about it if you can. That is totally inappropriate behavior!

I agree with Pbear to a point. You've been with her for a long time- you should be smart enough to figure out her needs by this time. I would not ask her as that will make you look weak in her eyes. That's why I pointed you in the direction of those 2 sites. They will show you how to figure what those needs are and how to meet them. It will also show you what to do to stop this affair dead in it's tracks. All of these affairs follow the same basic script. 

Trust your intuition - your gut feel on this stuff. I think you've caught this early enough to save and rebuild the marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------

