# Sex Addiction & Serial Cheater Question..



## Broken..ForNow (Mar 20, 2013)

So I woke up wondering..

Are most serial cheaters sex addicts?
I mean..We are very sexual, at least 6 days a week and usually more..Honestly, it's great...and he mirrors my satisfaction (kwim)
It's not that his needs aren't being met..or I'm a wife that "doesn't put out" I never thought of him being a sex addict until it was mentioned here..
But..
He likes porn a lot..

He'd love to be a swinger if I would partake in the lifestyle..

He's turned on by the thought of me and 2 guys..10 guys....him and 2 girls..20 girls....We were active a long time ago (20's) for a brief stint..(More like..Until he couldn't stay within the agreed boundaries and Thank God, I gave my life to the Lord...

He isn't into organized religion..he's a believer..but not a big prayer or follower)<~This is very difficult for me =*( More on this later..for the believers out there..

He's a whacker .. when he complains about his wrist..I can't help but laugh..

We talked last night..and he agree's there might be a correlation between his overactive disires and his cheating..

Can he be fixed....How do you go about finding someone to treat such a thing..I never thought that maybe he has a "problem" bigger than being a cheating pig.. 

Thanks.. as always,
BFN


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

Real love shouldn't be distorted and disfigured by allowing outsiders being involved in something intimate among only two love committed individuals, that includes open marriage and/or cheating. 

There is a thread in the "sex in marriage" thread which involved a couple who got involved in swinging and they both related it as such a lack of respect and protection of each other. The wife was angry because she felt her husband did not protect her from that, and the husband was angry because he let another man touch his wife in ways only he was able too, and much more. 

Your situation can be fixed but he must give up porn.

Your Brain On Porn | Evolution has not prepared your brain for today's Internet porn


Both of you should watch some of the videos on that site TOGETHER.


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## Broken..ForNow (Mar 20, 2013)

CleanJerkSnatch said:


> Real love shouldn't be distorted and disfigured by allowing outsiders being involved in something intimate among only two love committed individuals, that includes open marriage and/or cheating.
> 
> There is a thread in the "sex in marriage" thread which involved a couple who got involved in swinging and they both related it as such a lack of respect and protection of each other. The wife was angry because she felt her husband did not protect her from that, and the husband was angry because he let another man touch his wife in ways only he was able too, and much more.
> 
> ...


The swinging thing was one of the biggest mistakes of my life..As I said..I was in my 20's...and well..that close to 20 years ago 
I don't watch porn and or lay around alone and masturbate while fantasizing..As he does..I like lots of other things..just not that :/ To give the devil his do..I used to like both .. a .. lot..

I was asking about the "sex addiction/hyper sexual aspect" and serial cheaters..

Anyone have any experience with one??


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

My husband is a serial cheater. He likes porn, he's hyper-sexual, but he's not what I would consider a sex addict. Rather, he has what my best friend refers to as Shiny Object Syndrome. He's very driven to move on to the next, newer, better, more adrenaline-soaked thing. To the point that he can't enjoy what he has because he's always on the lookout for, or on the make with, his latest "new". He completely lacks the capacity for contentment. It's true with sex/women, but also with all of his other activities. It's a part of his personality. He can never drink enough, gamble enough, fly fast enough, dive deep enough, catch a big enough fish, have enough sex or engage with enough women to find a point of "enough" to be happy with.


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## Broken..ForNow (Mar 20, 2013)

Rowan,
I just spit my coffee...Shiny Object Syndrome sounds like a medical diagnosis that Mr. BFN would fall under. He is never content either, in his career, toys, woman, or activities..He has to be the best at whatever he is fixated on and once he achieves that..he's off to find a new conquest..never taking a moment to enjoy his success. I used to admire this quality about him as it's provided quite a nice lifestyle even to the point of turning a blind eye to his less disirable attributes. I don't know, I think maybe I have reached the maximum blindness my rose colored glasses will allow and now..I am disgusted by it..

Maybe it's not sex addiction but googling lead me to this..
Behaviors associated with sexual addiction include:
Compulsive masturbation (self-stimulation)
Multiple affairs (extra-marital affairs)
Phone or computer sex (cybersex)

:scratchhead: I don't know..Hiding under the covers seems the best treatment for me

Thank you for you input.


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

There's more to so-called "sex addiction" than those few behaviors, though.

My wife self-diagnosed as a "sex/love addict" after serial cheating (throughout her life) and my discovery of her EA's and PA during our marriage. I was ready to walk out the door, and she found a self-assessment online, took it, and determined she met the criteria. In our reading on the subject since that time, we learned that "sex addiction" is not so much about wanting sex, but about finding self-validation through others and chasing the emotional "high" of the new relationship (what's been called "Shiny Object Syndrome" here). Often, there's another underlying reason why the "addict" elects to act out and get that validation through a sexual context (in my wife's case, it was a long-term series of date rapes and beatings by her boyfriend when she was a high school freshman...he instilled in her a notion that sex was all she was good for, and once free of him, she used it as her primary "weapon" to please others and feel a sense of control, going too far in the other direction reclaiming her sexuality). Don't have the titles or authors of some of the books her support group recommended for her. I can see if I can find them if you like.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Broken..ForNow (Mar 20, 2013)

Grayson said:


> There's more to so-called "sex addiction" than those few behaviors, though.
> 
> My wife self-diagnosed as a "sex/love addict" after serial cheating (throughout her life) and my discovery of her EA's and PA during our marriage. I was ready to walk out the door, and she found a self-assessment online, took it, and determined she met the criteria. In our reading on the subject since that time, we learned that "sex addiction" is not so much about wanting sex, but about finding self-validation through others and chasing the emotional "high" of the new relationship (what's been called "Shiny Object Syndrome" here). Often, there's another underlying reason why the "addict" elects to act out and get that validation through a sexual context (in my wife's case, it was a long-term series of date rapes and beatings by her boyfriend when she was a high school freshman...he instilled in her a notion that sex was all she was good for, and once free of him, she used it as her primary "weapon" to please others and feel a sense of control, going too far in the other direction reclaiming her sexuality). Don't have the titles or authors of some of the books her support group recommended for her. I can see if I can find them if you like.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think we all have "baggage" and obviously I would be remiss to believe the reason I tolerate his behavior is because I am a good wife who believes in the sanctity of marriage instead of a coward..sigh..
I would totally appreciate you forwarding whatever ever info you have... Thanks =)


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

Found one. A good starting point is Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction by Patrick Carnes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Broken..ForNow (Mar 20, 2013)

Just ordered it Grayson..Thanks =)


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## punkinhead (Mar 19, 2013)

Broken,

Like you, I struggle often with whether my husband really is a sex addict or if he's just an a$$hole. When I call him a sex addict, I can have some semblance of sympathy and feel like I would be doing the right thing by seeing him through this issue (martyr syndrome on my part). But, when I consider that he just might be an a$$hole, I have to admit that I'm wasting my time by staying.

I'm not trying to be flippant in this response because I really do struggle with this question a lot. But the truth of the matter is, no matter which way I categorize him... the prognosis for my marriage is grim. I can sympathize with him all I want, but unless he chooses to help himself there is still no hope for this marriage.

For the first time today I looked at him and honestly felt very little for him. It's taken over 6 months of separation to get to that point, but I'm finally starting to detach from him in a very real way. It's scary but liberating at the same time.


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

Broken..ForNow said:


> Just ordered it Grayson..Thanks =)


Just now saw this. You're welcome. Hope it helps, even if only in providing perspective to his behavior.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Broken..ForNow (Mar 20, 2013)

punkinhead said:


> Broken,
> 
> Like you, I struggle often with whether my husband really is a sex addict or if he's just an a$$hole. When I call him a sex addict, I can have some semblance of sympathy and feel like I would be doing the right thing by seeing him through this issue (martyr syndrome on my part). But, when I consider that he just might be an a$$hole, I have to admit that I'm wasting my time by staying.
> 
> ...


I don't think you are being flippant at all and I totally agree that our marriage outlook is beyond grim =(
I also know where you are coming from..each day provides a few less tears a little more disgust and detachment..
Time will tell..good luck to you


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## totallyunexpected (Nov 21, 2012)

punkinhead said:


> Broken,
> 
> Like you, I struggle often with whether my husband really is a sex addict or if he's just an a$$hole. When I call him a sex addict, I can have some semblance of sympathy and feel like I would be doing the right thing by seeing him through this issue (martyr syndrome on my part). But, when I consider that he just might be an a$$hole, I have to admit that I'm wasting my time by staying.
> 
> ...


Punkin, I'm going through the same thing and also "finally starting to detach from him in a very real way." Actually, the feeling I now feel toward my WH above all is pity. I pity someone who is so self-destructive. His self-hate is intense right now. That doesn't make it any easier for me to look positively towards our/my future.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Carnes is very good. My WS is a serial cheater, porn addict, and sex addict. Having said that I was a chaplain for years and gave up my ordination last year over my wife's cheating. I am a counseling therapist and currently I work with combat Veterans. I have dealt with many disorders. Sexual addiction is a relatively new term and it was not added to the DSM V which is due out very soon. The DSM is what clinicians use in diagnosing mental disorders. Sexual addiction was one of several proposed addition to the new DSM and it was rejected. You can see the reasons online if you google it.

I go back and forth on sexual addiction. I have come to the conclusion that it is a way to put a name on a series of behaviors. I like good old "sin" but in my world "sin" is not a diagnosis.

I personally have struggled with porn and am very open about it. But porn for me has not lead to anything further that looking online. I have not chatted, met up with other women, had cyber sex, etc. There are many who will disagree and I do not want to steal your thread and make it a porn debate, but I do not look at porn as cheating. And each couple has to decide what is allowed in a marriage. I have counseled couples who have issues with porn that it is not an offense that one should D over. There are some exceptions, child porn is one of those as the person if caught will go to jail.

To me when a person links up with another person, EA, PA, swinging, etc that crosses the line for me. When you are dealing with another live person outside the marriage that changes the dynamic.

There are treatment facilities that can treat your husband. Some are not cheap. I would call Focus on the Family ask for a counselor and he/she will give you good advice. Dr. Karl Benzio is a Christian Psychiatrist and started Lighthouse network. He does training with Focus staff. You will find it online at lighthousenetwork.org I have found that whether you seek out a Christian treatment facility or a secular one just do your homework. If my WS asked for treatment there is one within miles of our home that Patrick Cairnes started years ago and I would not hesitate to recommend that one and it is a secular institution. If they are open to faith in their treatment I don't have any issues with a secular institution as treatment at a Christian facility or a secular one will be very similar.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Thorburn said:


> To me when a person links up with another person, EA, PA, swinging, etc that crosses the line for me. When you are dealing with another live person outside the marriage that changes the dynamic.


I think this says it all.

I think when it came down to 13 years of my FWW behavior it all came down to this as why I finally confronted and faced these demons..........both hers and mine!

My question is why did I have the foresight to confront FWW ?

Thorburn
can you please take the time to read my thread (guy with the cheating wife)

IDK why I ask this other to get your insight.

Sir for some reason..today other then any other day I would like your input.


**** man it all good, I'll figure it out one way or another...we all got our own problems..


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

totallyunexpected said:


> Punkin, I'm going through the same thing and also "finally starting to detach from him in a very real way." Actually, the feeling I now feel toward my WH above all is pity. I pity someone who is so self-destructive. His self-hate is intense right now. That doesn't make it any easier for me to look positively towards our/my future.


This is how I feel about my WH as well. I pity him. He is spiraling out of control. He also has a gambling addiction. He has got to be a hot mess from h3ll on the inside.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

We can't fix them...

We can reward them when they take the steps to improve.

Just like we can show them the consequances when thay don't improve and *we* need to just let them go"!


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

the guy said:


> I think this says it all.
> 
> I think when it came down to 13 years of my FWW behavior it all came down to this as why I finally confronted and faced these demons..........both hers and mine!
> 
> ...


Sorry, I have been busy and I will now.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

I'm still scarred by what my H has done over the years I've been with him. Constant cheating, and addiction to the validation other women gave him. Porn, MB, the whole bit. Wanting to be swinger types. And I'm a Christian woman too. He has always believed in God since he was a kid, but until now he never went to church or cared to go. I know he was an addict (I'm hoping he *was* instead of *is* one) because I always tried to give him whatever he wanted (except the swinger stuff)

I'm hoping his recovery will last. I always wonder in the back of my mind if he has started cheating again.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Broken..ForNow said:


> So I woke up wondering..
> 
> Are most serial cheaters sex addicts?
> I mean..We are very sexual, at least 6 days a week and usually more..Honestly, it's great...and he mirrors my satisfaction (kwim)
> ...



If he is giving you plenty of sex, then porn is obviously not a problem here.

Personally, I think the whole concept of "sex addiction" is a farce. A manufactured excuse for people who cheat and get caught. It's not even a real diagnosis in the DSM. It's falls under compulsive disorder, with many other types.

And serial cheating doesn't automatically equal sex addiction anyway. Emotional affairs, for example, don't involve sex, yet some people have one after another.

Also, I think we need to be careful about our terms here. I'm not getting into the debate whether its good, bad, or indifferent to the marriage, but swinging, when both partners consent, is not cheating.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Theseus said:


> Personally, I think the whole concept of "sex addiction" is a farce. A manufactured excuse for people who cheat and get caught. It's not even a real diagnosis in the DSM. It's falls under compulsive disorder, with many other types.


So even them admit there's a compulsive element there.
Do you "believe" in gambling "adiction", eating disorders, hoarding, spending, self harm... or they are also bull?


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

Acabado said:


> So even them admit there's a compulsive element there.
> Do you "believe" in gambling "adiction", eating disorders, hoarding, spending, self harm... or they are also bull?



You missed TAM addiction


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## PamJ (Mar 22, 2013)

My H is also hyper-sexual , I believe. He has not had physical affairs, only cyber. He has a mildly addictive personality, gets stuck on one thing; games, cards, certain politcal groups/topics, online porn, but he says he has never gone over the line to a PA and wouldn't know what to do if presented with that option.

He LIKES the fantasy, the erotica of the words but it's mostly the validation he gets from the cyber AP he craves. This of course is no less hurtful to me as I thought we were really mending our marriage this past year and I have been making an effort to give him more of the feedback he craves, and it's been easier as I really LIKED him again, I have always loved him, and he has been much more involved with me as well.

It feels like I may never be enough for him, although he says I am, and he still cannot explain why he fell back into this. He is reading Shadows of the Net and I am reading Not Just Friends, which I hope he will read as well. But for now I remain the vigilant detective, a position I did not ask for and do not like.


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