# Unhappy in relations ship but dont want it to end



## eviliceninja (Jul 18, 2017)

For starters I have been in my current relationship for over four years. We have been married for just over a year now. She had a son(6 yrs old) from a prior relationship and we now have an almost 2 year old together that is in the process of being diagnosed with autism. We live in a 2 bedroom 2 bath apartment with My wife, 2 kids, dog, cat, myself and her mother. So needless to say its cramped. Her mother moved in with us almost 2 years ago when her husband passed. Me and her mother don't completely get along. We argue quite frequently because she tries to say i am wrong about things i know beyond a shadow of a doubt i am correct on and i have the personality where i wont let that stand especially in my own home. Her mom does not work at all. She does watch our children so while we are at work but we have supplied her with a roof over her head food tv etc. 

Not only that but we buy her cigs for her every day and also buy her some beer or wine like once a week. She usually seems pretty ungrateful towards us. Like in my opinion if your staying in my house for basically free the least you should do is make sure the house isn't a trainwreck when we get home from working all day. For example there shouldnt be an overflowing sink of dishes that she let sit all day. All she does all day is watch tv and nothing else. She does make dinner but thats just cuz she rathers having home cooked meals at night instead of take out. Me and my wife have been fighting alot since we got back from our honey moon. I feel like she thinks i should let her family get away with everything and just deal with it because they are family. 

The proplem being is i do no see her family as family because they dont act like it. For example her one brother any time he has his daughter(Has custody agreement with childs mother) she spends 90% of the time at my house. To the extent that this summer she maybe spent a week the whole summer with her dad but every other day and night she was at my house. My mother in law says i shouldnt be mad about it. The girl is not my child so i shouldnt have to foot the bill to have her at my house for an entire summer. We struggle to pay our bills regularly during the school year when my step son goes to school half the day let alone having to now have twice as much food during the week cuz both my kids are home all summer. Now add her to the mix thats even harder on us. 

My wife and mother in law say its shouldnt be a problem but once again i dont see her as family. My mother in law lets the brat get away with everything but god forbid my step son does that same **** and hes getting screamed at and cussed at. The only reason i havnt kicked the **** out of my house is because i simply cant afford day care. Then we get onto the fact that my youngest son is in the process of getting therapy for possibly being autistic. He is almost two and doesnt say one word. He still doesnt sleep throughout the night so im going on two years of getting barley any sleep each night. He doesnt react to stuff like a normal kid. Like if hes told no about something you would think your killing him the way he screams. I was not ready for a child like this. **** i dont think i was ready for a child at all. When i got with my wife her son was already starting potty training. 

He was already in a toddler bed and slept all night. I don't have the experience with little kids like she does. Not only did she have her son but bother her brothers had kids within a year of her so she has three times the experience than me. So im alwasy called an ******* if i get mad or aggravated when getting woken up in middle of night of if he just wont stop crying. Yes i propably could react better but once again this is my first time thru this. Also sleep is like one of the few things that bring me happiness because i actually feel relaxed so when that gets ****ed up i get pissed because i dont get enough sleep as is. Can never fall asleep til after midnight and always wake up multiple times throughout the night be it from nightmares or cuz i have to use restroom. 

So when im actually sound asleep and i get woken up to the screaming and crying i freak out. Doesnt help that she keeps rearranging our room. Finally had the room set up in a way where his crib was away from my bed enough where i could sleep easier but because she didnt like that it half blocked MY CLOSET that has nothing of hers it in she had to move the room all around for like the 5th time this year and now hes right back to being right next to where i lay down. More than anything i think im writting this to vent and to hope that someone cant recommend something for me to do because i love my wife. 

But between her mother, her brother, and the hardships we are going through about my son im getting to the point where i feel like the pull of a trigger might help because i feel like im going to one day complexity lose control of this anger im trying to bottle up that i might hurt one of my sons or my wife which i never want to happen id rather die. Hopefully someone has some ideas atleast i feel a lil bit better putting this to actually words


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

I would have blown my brains out by now.

Literally.

This just sounds like the house of misery. I'm not sure why your mother in law is such a special snowflake that she HAD to move in with you just because her husband died. There are many widows that go on to live their lives after their husband's pass (and some do so ecstatically .. lol) so what's so wrong with the Monster-in-Law that she needed to be brought in like some homeless person? I don't get it.

Get rid of her and your problems are solved. Make her get a reasonably priced place to live (maybe her own apartment in your complex) and pay her to watch your kids. Done. You get rid of HER and you don't have to support your wife's deadbeat brother's kid all summer long. If the deadbeat wants to foist his kid - along with the expense of raising her for the summer - on his mother's shoulders, then let HER pay for the kid since she wants to overindulge her deadbeat son so badly.

These people make my brain bleed.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

How do you even have enough room in a 2br apartment for all of those people? Where does everyone sleep? 

I agree...this sounds like a nightmare. 

Why doesn't MIL work? 

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## eviliceninja (Jul 18, 2017)

Mother in law doesnt work because she is our baby sitter. We cant afford daycare for our kids so she watches them while we are at work. As to the sleep question my step son and her share a room and my younger sons crib is still in my room.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

I think your biggest problem is space in your apt and if you could get a bigger place things may look a lot better.You say your brother in law is on his own ninety percent of the time,could your mil move in with him.You need to realise that you have a pretty good mil (compared to mine).She looks after your kids and she cooks dinner,not a bad deal.


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## eviliceninja (Jul 18, 2017)

He lives an hr away from us so would be unrealistic for our baby sitting needs and he doesnt have his own place he lives with his girlfriend he wont allow her to move in. Shoulda done the same thing but felt bad that she lost her husband and had no job so couldnt afford to stay in their place anymore. They lived off his social security to pay the bills so when he died there went her income. So trying to be nice i allowed her to move in with us. At first the house would be cleaned and dinner made etc. Now she half cooks dinner(i.e. will cook the meat and then say she didnt feel like making a vegatable) anr honestly i feel like when she watches my two younger son she barely changes his diaper. Because his butt will always look good when i go to work but always has diaper rash when i get home. She tries to say she plays with him all day but im willing to bet if i set up a hidden camera she would just be sitting infront of the tv almost all day


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

You have the same sort of arrangement that I had early on, a meddlesome MIL, a wife that won't back you up at all, a stressful financial situation that neither your wife or MIL will help you with. I didn't do anything and now I'm stuck in a bad marriage I can't get out of. I would recommend that you get out of this situation as soon as possible an divorce your wife. This life is never going to be worthwhile for you.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

I think your main problem is your BIL foisting his kid on you all summer. Have a man to man chat with him and ask him to give money for household expenses as you cannot support your MIL and his kid also.
If he complains to MIL, then tell her to contribute. Before you do any of this, have a sit down with your wife and talk about your family, finances, future, etc. Explain exactly what is going on.
If your wife is working, is she contributing to the household expenses? To what extent does your MIL contribute financially, you should consider rent -babysitting services to see if she should contribute.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

aine said:


> I think your main problem is your BIL foisting his kid on you all summer. Have a man to man chat with him and ask him to give money for household expenses as you cannot support your MIL and his kid also.
> If he complains to MIL, then tell her to contribute. Before you do any of this, have a sit down with your wife and talk about your family, finances, future, etc. Explain exactly what is going on.
> If your wife is working, is she contributing to the household expenses? To what extent does your MIL contribute financially, you should consider rent -babysitting services to see if she should contribute.


Going to your wife about this isn't going to help, she doesn't have your back in this or any other situation. The only thing you need to give her are divorce papers.


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

eviliceninja, it sounds like you are at the end of your rope. Many parents can identify with the lack of sleep, but that usually resolves to a large extent after a few months; you're going on two years. You're in a difficult situation and I can understand why you feel extremely stressed out.

I want to present a different viewpoint re: your MIL. She is not living with you "for free". She is providing you an essential service: childcare for two kids, one of whom is a special-needs toddler. This is difficult work, and very often people who don't have to do it, don't understand how difficult it can be. If she were not there to do this, you would be paying a lot of money, as you note. In fact, you state that couldn't afford care otherwise. Where I live, in the US, decent care for a toddler and a six year old during the summer would run close to $475/week. Care for just my six year old runs just under $200/week currently, not including food. This is just for care during working hours. Look into the current rates in your area, and see what it would cost you if she were not there. You might consider a portion of that her "rent". If you can try to see the service that she provides, it might help reduce your resentment towards her. You may feel less taken advantage of and less argumentative with her if you can see her as bringing some value to your household.

It looks like you have a lot of involvement with her family. Your wife has her mother-in-law living with her, and her niece over frequently, which requires a lot of contact with her brother. I think you will find yourself forever on the outside, especially if you insist that her family is not your family. It is hard to balance because on the one hand, your wife and you and the kids are the primary family; on the other, the more you push against your MIL and BIL, the more they will draw together against you, and your wife will likely also feel defensive for them. This creates a FOO vs you set-up, and that is bad for everyone in the situation. 

Do you have a long-term plan? Are you and/or your wife able to do any training to improve your financial status? Are you in a country like the US, where your MIL might be able to access her husband's social security? It sounds like getting better finances and a bigger space would go a very long way towards making things more tolerable for you.

Normally, I would encourage you to hang in there, because things start to get a lot easier with kids once they get to about 5 or 6 years old and start to gain some independence. However, depending on the severity of your son's needs, independence may be slow to arrive. So I think a plan that is agreeable to both you and your wife is needed here. 

I would also see if you can use your wife's FOO for some help. Can your BIL and/or MIL watch your kids while you and your wife get some date nights? Maybe a weekend away, even if it's just camping out, here and there? You and your wife will need some together time for your relationship to do well.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

eviliceninja said:


> He lives an hr away from us so would be unrealistic for our baby sitting needs and he doesnt have his own place he lives with his girlfriend he wont allow her to move in. Shoulda done the same thing but felt bad that she lost her husband and had no job so couldnt afford to stay in their place anymore. They lived off his social security to pay the bills so when he died there went her income. So trying to be nice i allowed her to move in with us. At first the house would be cleaned and dinner made etc. Now she half cooks dinner(i.e. will cook the meat and then say she didnt feel like making a vegatable) anr honestly i feel like when she watches my two younger son she barely changes his diaper. Because his butt will always look good when i go to work but always has diaper rash when i get home. She tries to say she plays with him all day but im willing to bet if i set up a hidden camera she would just be sitting infront of the tv almost all day


I agree getting into a larger space may solve a lot of your problems. 

Is your MIL collecting social security herself? Even if she never worked to earn it, as long ad she is within the "retirement age" set forth by the SS Administration, she would be allowed to collect a spousal benefit from her deceased husband - it would be 50% of whatever he was being paid. All she needs to do is set up an appointment with your local social security office to get all of that sorted out.

I am not saying she shouldn't live with you, but if you are tight with money, you can use all of the income you can get. If she's not collecting SS yet, please look into it at least. Maybe added with your joint income now you could get into a bigger place?

Do any of you qualify for any state or federal programs to help lighten the load? Food stamps, Medicaid, etc? You are feeding two extra mouths that I assume you are not claiming as your dependents on your taxes (your niece and your MIL) and therefore you are not getting any financial break for it. 

If your son is diagnosed with autism, you should be able to apply for Medicaid for him to cover expenses you may run into for therapies and those types of things. 

What does your wife think of the situation with your MIL and your niece?

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## eviliceninja (Jul 18, 2017)

In regards to the day care i do take that into consideration or she would not be living with me. My main complaint on her is she sits around all day not doing much. I shouldnt have to come home to a sink full of dishes after work when shes sat at my house all day running my bills up.(she doesnt know how to turn ne thing off like the lights or tvs) u r correct that it would cost alot to pay for daycare however said day care would be doing more than just putting him in his room with tv and toys. Thay have activities and such. Also its the way she treats my kids compared to my niece she rarely gets disciplined for ne thing yet my older son will get yelled at for doing the same **** she does. As to my wife feeling about her mother she knows we cant afford daycare so tells me to just deal with it cuz its how her mom is and we need her right now. I dont consider her brother to be family because in my mind u need to earn that right. Just cause you are related to me by blood or marriage does not make you family. Her brother is a pathetic excuse for a father who "faught so hard" to get the custody of his daughter that he has only to always pawn her off on my MIL. I wish i had a way to report it to his Superior officer because thats deffinately unfitting of a police officer. To the social security question tried it they said she wasnt old enough to get it. We do get food stamps but they only give us 60 bucks a month which rlly isnt much help with how many mouths we have to feed. I live in daytona beach so only way we couod get a bigger place is if we could afford alot more rent money which obviously we cant. And to the confronting the BIL thing tried that last time we ended up at each others throats quite literally. He has no respect for me or my house. Because of all this me and my wife argue almost every day. Always starting cuz i have an attitude or a ****ty look on my face. Its kinda hard to he smiling when u hate the way your life is and then the one place where u should b at peace u cant because ur house gets used as a shelter for people u cant stand.


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## eviliceninja (Jul 18, 2017)

Also my wife feels i shouldnt get bothered by her being here all the time. She for the first time other night actually opposed to her being dropped off when her brother called the MIL at 10pm to say he was on his way to drop her off when we all knew he was off work for the next two days. I was shocked i think only reason she did was cuz i made sure my opinion on it was known to the household.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

If you want to keep your marriage and immediate family together, you have to take action.

I would set up a "information only" family meeting with your wife and MIL. Meaning not a discussion. Let them know it will be brief.

"It is my responsibility as a husband and father to two children to determine what is best for my household. A home should be a haven, and ours is not. We are a sinking ship financially, emotionally, and functionally to only mention a few. The current situation is no longer acceptable and the following changes are going into effect (tomorrow, in one week whatever).

-A bunkbed is going into second bedroom. 2 year old son is going to be sleeping on the bottom, older son on top. This will be a difficult transition.

-In exchange for room and board, these things daily will be required: Quality time and activities for the boys. I will be monitoring remotely to verify this is happening. A prepared dinner, and a clean kitchen.

-Niece can no longer visit here. I understand that you MIL are close to her and I know she will enjoy your visits with you at her sons. Also perhaps we can enjoy a picnic at a park with her once a month where we can all see her.

MIL, if the above changes are not acceptable, I respect that. Take two weeks to find alternate housing. This will also give us time to set up other childcare.

Meeting adjourned. No questions will be taken. When your wife gets you alone and starts ripping into you, tell her we have tried it her way, and it doesn't work, and their will be no more discussion. 

From the sounds of it MIL will need to accept your rules, as she has no where to go. As you may be bluffing on a few parts, still say it will full confidence and authority. 

Then, I would do WHATEVER it takes to change your financial situation so you can self support without MIL.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

eviliceninja said:


> He lives an hr away from us so would be unrealistic for our baby sitting needs and he doesnt have his own place he lives with his girlfriend he wont allow her to move in. Shoulda done the same thing but felt bad that she lost her husband and had no job so couldnt afford to stay in their place anymore. They lived off his social security to pay the bills so when he died there went her income.


Why did she lose her income when he died? She should still be able to get his social security.




eviliceninja said:


> So trying to be nice i allowed her to move in with us. At first the house would be cleaned and dinner made etc. Now she half cooks dinner(i.e. will cook the meat and then say she didnt feel like making a vegatable) anr honestly i feel like when she watches my two younger son she barely changes his diaper. Because his butt will always look good when i go to work but always has diaper rash when i get home. She tries to say she plays with him all day but im willing to bet if i set up a hidden camera she would just be sitting infront of the tv almost all day


You might want to get a nanny cam, one that is hidden in something, so she does not know it's there. And then record her for a few days and see exactly what she is doing when she is supposed to be watching your children.

You have a problem because you need your MIL to care for your children. But she is driving you nuts. Not good. 

Can you afford a place with one more bedroom?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How old is your MIL?


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

eviliceninja said:


> In regards to the day care i do take that into consideration or she would not be living with me. My main complaint on her is she sits around all day not doing much. I shouldnt have to come home to a sink full of dishes after work when shes sat at my house all day running my bills up.(she doesnt know how to turn ne thing off like the lights or tvs) u r correct that it would cost alot to pay for daycare however said day care would be doing more than just putting him in his room with tv and toys. Thay have activities and such. Also its the way she treats my kids compared to my niece she rarely gets disciplined for ne thing yet my older son will get yelled at for doing the same **** she does. As to my wife feeling about her mother she knows we cant afford daycare so tells me to just deal with it cuz its how her mom is and we need her right now.


I agree that a good daycare will offer a lot of activities, it is one of the reasons my husband and I went with a daycare even after some of our family members offered to watch our son. We feel extremely lucky to be able to have that choice. I don't agree that cleaning dishes automatically go along with child care. We expect to have additional children joining our household, so I have looked into getting a nanny who is willing to do some housework like cleaning or cooking. They are rare and expensive (although I didn't look very far after just a few price quotes.) Ideally, MIL would be pitching in, but from a strictly financial perspective, even most live-in Nannies won't clean up all the dishes and/or cook dinner in addition to child care. From this perspective, you are getting services for "free". 

I agree with Ele's suggestion to get a Nanny Cam. That will help find out what is really going on. I would be very, very aggravated by the difference in how the kids are treated.



> Because of all this me and my wife argue almost every day. Always starting cuz i have an attitude or a ****ty look on my face. Its kinda hard to he smiling when u hate the way your life is and then the one place where u should b at peace u cant because ur house gets used as a shelter for people u cant stand.


It's a horrible situation because you are basically at war with your wife and her family. You are arguing constantly, you can't get peace in your own home. You have to find some way for you and your wife to get on the same team. Can the two of you get out on dates, even cheap or free dates? Find some time for smiling at each other. Maybe come to an agreement on how you and your wife want to handle the situation together. 

I also recommend that you find a way to stop arguing with your wife and with your MIL. Unless someone or something is in danger, any fight is just going to cause trouble. It sounds like it is difficult for you, your wife, and your MIL- you're all arguing and probably no one is very happy. 

I would not put up an ultimatum that you can't back up, especially if there is no agreement with your wife. There is no indication that your wife would stand behind any of the demands, including making her mother leave. Your wife seems to feel that mi casa su casa as far as her family goes. You will increase your MIL's power if you try to demand that she leave but your wife tells her to stay. She will see that her daughter is aligned with her and not you. 

Finding a way to increase your income to give you some options has to be a priority if it is possible. I understand that you are feeling very hostile towards your MIL at this time, but your wife is right: right now, you need each other. If your MIL died tonight, how would you handle child care tomorrow and moving forward? Would you be able to pay rent if one of you had to take time off or quit a job entirely? Could one of you do shift work? If you can come up with a plan now, you can use it as a map for a way forward. 

In about a year, when your child is 3, you might be able to get him into Head Start. If I recall correctly, they have an autism program. I'm not sure about the details like cost (although Head Start is usually subsidized for low-income families) or hours (full time care? Part time care?).


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Does your MIL have much of a social life? Does she get out with friends and have other interests outside the home?


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

There's some good advice here from different sides. I think on the one hand you're in a really toxic setup. It's toxic for the kids, too, because they'll feel the discontent. On the other hand, you allowed things to get to this state so you're going to have to work extra hard to change the dynamic. 

I think you need to foster some patience first, find your sanity. 

Analyze the cost of your MIL living in your house rent free but child minding as payment. Write down all the stresses and disruptions she brings to the relationship and family, vs. the help and savings she provides. I personally would not live with anyone who is so disrespectful, family or not, however she has a baseline of living that you have allowed so far, so shaking up her world will be painful but necessary.

Then, you need to have a serious come to Jesus moment with just your wife. I think this will be hard, as she already doesn't respect you much, but you need to tell her that the relationship simply can't endure as things stand. You are at the end of your rope being disrespected by her mother. She is essentially a long - term guest in your home who has been granted privileges because she is able to offer her time with the children. While that is immensely helpful, paying a qualified person a few hundred /week would do the same, with the added benefit of respect and appreciation for every penny that person gets doing their job and no browbeating, backtalk, consumption of resources, or added stress. They also go HOME when their job is done, unless you're talking about a daycare center. Some things are worth the extra money for the value of the things they save, like your marriage. 

If your MIL can't learn civility and graciousness, then there simply is no place for her there. As her daughter, your wife is responsible for being the voice of your immediate family, and she's let you down pretty consistently. She has chosen her mother over the marriage every time. Either she gets on board as a member of your (collective) immediate family or she can go live with her mother in an apartment and enjoy partial custody of your child while you go live in your apartment and do the same. I'm not suggesting you threaten her, but reading your post, as things stand, that's the likely future result of things do not change. 

The sleeping issues could be helped by a nurse. A friend of mine had two horrible sleepers and with a nurse's help over a few weeks, a sleeping diary to record what's happening to disrupt their sleep so much (i.e to much active play just before bed), and a modification of their diet (less sugar, more protein), they learned to sleep soundly through the night. And yes, both children are autistic.

If really depends on the type and severity of the autism, but both of my siblings have asburgers (one with added ADHD) and I can say that I never had problems with their sleep, provided they had consistency in their schedules and expectations. (Yes, I took care of them often while my parents both worked). Consistency and structure with any child on the spectrum is very important. Once you bring chaos in, things are less predictable and the children have a hard time adapting and remaining calm. My siblings had to learn over time and with a lot of practice and learning through mock scenarios, how to adapt to surprise changes that are common and simple (and easily rectifiable) to many of us. Most importantly, the parents have to have the greatest patience to work through the kinks and they need to be a solid unit in all decisions. 

Once you talk with your wife, lay out your NEEDS and propose SOLUTIONS, you'll know where you stand. She has one chance to help you save this marriage, and you'd love to have her on your side so that you can actually learn to be a family that doesn't have unnecessary stress. ALL families deserve the right to learn to endure without outside interference, if that interference is ultimately toxic. 

I think (and this is JMO) your MIL needs to get her own place asap. You need her out of the picture to properly focus on and heal your marriage. What you and your wife do after that is up to you both, but the household needs some serious restructuring and right now you're the only one who can draft and propose the blueprint. 

It's going to be a tough hill to climb, but anything is possible.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

I'd be more unhappy about the attitude OP is getting than anything, and I think that's the breaking point for him.

Should MIL be grateful for a place to live, regardless of if it includes being a nanny? Yes, absolutely.

And as such, she should be pitching in around the house, as well as watching the children - her grandkids, I might add. Use the dishes - wash the dishes. Bring the kids somewhere, daily. Do activities with them, games, puzzles, crafts. Enjoy this time with your grandkids.

The reality is that she probably (I'm speculating) spent her previous life in a similar manner - not doing much of anything. Therefore she wants to continue with the lifestyle she's always had, and is angered at the suggestion that she now has to "work" for things.

OP's wife is enabling this, which doesn't help, and now he's in a predicament that he simply can't win. Damned if you do, damned if you don't.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

.


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## eviliceninja (Jul 18, 2017)

Ok to answer some questions. When step son was 4 he was in a pre k program during school year. We had different jobs so our shifts were different rarely required him to be watched and when we did MIL did it at her house. She cant get his benefits because they said she wasnt old enough yet. Her husband was 69 she was only 52 when he passed. She did have the same lifestyle at her place she didnt work atleast since i met her. She did do the dishes at their place but shed always let them get out of hand before doing them. The whole family meeting thing without discussing with wife prior is just asking for issues so sorry but thats a bad idea. To the person who thought she shouldnt have to clean sorry but yea she should we provide her with everything she needs including cigs every day she goes thru a bottle of ibuprophen every other day and alcohol atleast once a week. If it was just watching kids nothing else then no but we more than pay for stuff for her. If it wasnt for us she would b homeless so yes she needs to clean. My wife does do the whole mi casa su casa thing she was raised in a house that had an opened door policy none of her family know how to knock the just walk in the house no matter how late. Whereas i was raised where u knocked, you made sure it was ok to come over no just showed up unannounced. And if u were going to be staying the night it was something prearranged days in advance not on the fly. As to paying for daycare it woukd cost my whole paycheck a week to pay for them so then we wouldn't be able to pay our bills im an admin asst anr shes a hair dresser not much money in either.


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