# How to communicate with wife desire to not be so vanilla...



## Klm mlk (Feb 20, 2021)

too many strangers are not picking details that I obv can’t prove to strangers so it’s clear this isn’t actually going to be worth my time or helpful. Thanks for those who actually stuck to my question for the most part


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

So you’re not happy and what you want her to do is suggest fixes when she doesn’t know what you want?


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## Klm mlk (Feb 20, 2021)

ccpowerslave said:


> So you’re not happy and what you want her to do is suggest fixes when she doesn’t know what you want?


She knows what I would like and we’ve had multiple little talks about that. There’s plenty of great talk, but no follow through.


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## C.C. says ... (Aug 1, 2020)

Klm mlk said:


> Hopefully this makes sense, it was hard to write


Why was it hard to write? Emotionally draining hard or ... you’re on a bus on a dirt road somewhere kind of hard?


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## Klm mlk (Feb 20, 2021)

C.C. says ... said:


> Why was it hard to write? Emotionally draining hard or ... you’re on a bus on a dirt road somewhere kind of hard?


I think because I want to tell myself because I’ve tried so many times to communicate that I’m off the hook from communicating. It’s like writing out how I’m rejected so it hurts to write and acknowledge if that makes sense. I haven’t asked to do anything she’s not on board with, so each time she asks me to tell her what I want and then doesn’t follow through it feels like it’s because I’m not that much of a priority to her.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

What are you wanting to try with her and when are you bringing it up (during or after sex)?

Is it going something like "Wife, I'd like to try using (insert item/toy here)" and she says sure but doesn't go out and buy it? If yes, then maybe she doesn't know what to buy. Look through options with her, or you get it yourself. Yes it would be nice if she showed initiative but it's your fantasy or whatever, not hers.

Or is it something like "Wife, I'd like to try doing (insert activity here)" and she says sure but then doesn't do it the next time you have sex? Again, you might have to take the initiative, especially if she's usually vanilla and is unsure what to do, nervous, shy, etc. 

How do you know you're asking her to do stuff she's okay with, if she's not doing it? She could be agreeing to it just to get out of the conversation. Don't say "she did it with her ex".


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Would it help to text about this or talk on the phone when you’re apart?

In our earlier years with small kids and illness, husband wasn’t all that nice to me and all this combined I just didn’t want to have sex with him. I do remember him always wanting to discuss it right before or in the heat of the moment and it just made it worse for me. I did communicate this. I felt very pressured and not much changed for him.

when things started getting better, we just somehow fell into a habit of talking about sex via sms or on the phone and I felt much more comfortable somehow this way. Maybe try this?? Something that also helped me warm up more was talking about it afterwards


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Yapping about wanting "more adventurous" would be a turn off to me, too, as it apparently is to your wife.

If you want a more adventurous sex life, then create one. Create the real life exciting scenarios, yourself, for you two.


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## Klm mlk (Feb 20, 2021)

bobert said:


> What are you wanting to try with her and when are you bringing it up (during or after sex)?
> 
> Is it going something like "Wife, I'd like to try using (insert item/toy here)" and she says sure but doesn't go out and buy it? If yes, then maybe she doesn't know what to buy. Look through options with her, or you get it yourself. Yes it would be nice if she showed initiative but it's your fantasy or whatever, not hers.
> 
> ...





Livvie said:


> Yapping about wanting "more adventurous" would be a turn off to me, too, as it apparently is to your wife.
> 
> If you want a more adventurous sex life, then create one. Create the real life exciting scenarios, yourself, for you two.


 I think you missed the point


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Klm mlk said:


> So just heard me out. I’ve tried talking with her about wanting to be more adventurous, but nothing that she wouldn’t want. She’s o fine with trying stuff, but even if I ask her she doesn’t put any initiative in herself. I don’t know how to talk with her about it. When I have it’s like I can’t phrase it right or I’m talking to a wall. she just says she’s willing to try stuff and when I try to communicate that it would mean a lot and be a turn on for her to suggest something or take some initiative too it either immediately doesn’t go anywhere or she says she’ll try and then nothing happens and then inevitably she’ll mention about how she wants to meet my needs and I bring up that I have asked (which is hard) and nothing happens, she’ll say I should give her a fresh start every time (which of course is true) but I think we’re ok 4 or 5 with no changes or in what happens and I’m just at a loss for what to do or how to try and talk. Hopefully this makes sense, it was hard to write


As someone who enjoys a splendid non-vanilla sex life with my wife, I think you would be better served by not expecting/wanting your wife to take the initiative on this. I mean you have been trying to get that from her, and she continues to falls short.

So if you want her to start doing certain things, and try other things as well. Own what you want her to do and lead that, so tell her and direct her to do what you wish. Since passively hoping she will come up with stuff, clearly doesn't work.

Of which @Livvie is right in suggesting you create the sex life you want. In other words if you want it, you will be best served by driving it.


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

Personal said:


> As someone who enjoys a splendid non-vanilla sex life with my wife, I think you would be better served by not expecting/wanting your wife to take the initiative on this. I mean you have been trying to get that from her, and she continues to falls short.
> 
> So if you want her to start doing certain things, and try other things as well. Own what you want her to do and lead that, so tell her and direct her to do what you wish. Since passively hoping she will come up with stuff, clearly doesn't work.
> 
> Of which @Livvie is right in suggesting you create the sex life you want. In other words if you want it, you will be best served by driving it.


^^^THIS^^^ Take the lead and make it happen. I know it's great when the spouse takes the initiative, but you've tried that and it's not working. So you are going to have to take the wheel and drive it yourself. Women love a man who will lead her.


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## So Married (Dec 18, 2020)

If you get the ball rolling, she may come around. Give her a chance to get more comfortable with trying new things, and then maybe she will take the initiative. Tell her more about all of your fun, exciting ideas, and then ask her to tell you hers (or show you). Sometimes, it takes a bit to become more forward with such things.

Have you told her that you feel rejected/not a priority?

Do any of the ideas you've mentioned to her involve mutual pleasure, or are they all just about you?


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Klm mlk said:


> too many strangers are not picking details that I obv can’t prove to strangers so it’s clear this isn’t actually going to be worth my time or helpful. Thanks for those who actually stuck to my question for the most part


You really shouldn't take your post down, especially so quickly. Give people time to get in and see it. It could take a few days. Luckily, another had quoted you and so hopefully my advice will be on point.



> So just heard me out. I’ve tried talking with her about wanting to be more adventurous, but nothing that she wouldn’t want. She’s o fine with trying stuff, but even if I ask her she doesn’t put any initiative in herself. I don’t know how to talk with her about it. When I have it’s like I can’t phrase it right or I’m talking to a wall. she just says she’s willing to try stuff and when I try to communicate that it would mean a lot and be a turn on for her to suggest something or take some initiative too it either immediately doesn’t go anywhere or she says she’ll try and then nothing happens and then inevitably she’ll mention about how she wants to meet my needs and I bring up that I have asked (which is hard) and nothing happens, she’ll say I should give her a fresh start every time (which of course is true) but I think we’re ok 4 or 5 with no changes or in what happens and I’m just at a loss for what to do or how to try and talk. Hopefully this makes sense, it was hard to write


OK so we have a lot to unpack here. I am going to have to make some guesses, because you are lacking in detail. However, I want you to know going into this that I am an educator in the local BDSM community, so I have more than a passing familiarity with most non-vanilla things.

So first I am going to make a guess in which what you would like, and hope that she would like, are activities where you are submissive or bottom. Those are two different things, BTW. If you were wanting to be dominant or a top, then you would be the one that needs to be taking the initiative. The one exception may be in that you are wanting her to act submissive or brattish or as a little, and that would be the trigger or sign for you to go into your role.

But here is the thing. You stated, "...when I try to communicate that it would mean a lot and be a turn on for her..." you don't know that it will be a turn on for her, if it's new for her. That is you putting on expectations on her, and that's not good. You can hope she is turned on by it. And even if she is not, that doesn't mean she won't be willing to do it for you.

Which brings us to the next point. She might be willing, but is she knowing? Does she have the knowledge to do what you are wanting? She might not be initiating because she doesn't know how. Mind you this is where the lack of details is leading me. And some of the problem might also lie with you not knowing how to express your desires in such a way that you give her a clear idea of what is desired. And it's not always easy. Over 2 decades in the kink lifestyle, and I still have issues getting out all I want, especially if it's a new thing for me.

Without details, there is not much more that I can say. There are suggestions I can give based upon additional details you might be able to provide. I hope that this is at least a start.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Klm mlk said:


> She knows what I would like and we’ve had multiple little talks about that. There’s plenty of great talk, but no follow through.


I really like your comment. It is something I have heard from a variety of marriage counselors.

One version is that you can't change your wife and the way she treats you, only she can change her approach to you and only if she wants to.

Another version is a David Schnarch observation regarding marital sadism. In a long term relationship you each learn so much about the other over time that you can complete each others sentences and communicate by facial expressions, body language, tone of voice, or shorthand for things you have discussed hundreds of times before. After a certain number of years you know exactly what your spouse wants. After that if it never happens, it is because one of you had made a point that what they want is never going to happen. After that decision is made you can't really bring it up again and expect them to change their mind. 

In the spirit of M W Davis of Divorce Busting and Sex Starved Marriage book fame, if talking doesn't work, you need to try a 180. That is if you have had this discussion many, many times and she never follows through, you need to try something completely different to get the message across in another way. Sometimes you need to get someone's attention before communication can occur.

Good luck.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Due to the fact that the OP cancelled their opening post, this thread is now closed.


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