# maybe 10 years down the drain?



## error404 (Aug 22, 2012)

I need to make this clear, i still love my wife. now that that is said, i will fill in the details.

i have been with ***** for 9 years and 10 months, i think i do a pretty good job of being a husband, i do all the cooking, i run a bath when she has had a hard day, i never go out with my friends as they all live hundreds of miles away and dont complain when she does. i clean the house regularly and am always happy to "snuggle" rather than just.... well you know. i get up with her between 4 and 5am when she goes to work and make her her lunch and a cup of coffee despite the fact i dont need to be up till gone 8 (i work from home)

she on the other hand does nothing. she only wants to have sex after weeks of abstinence, she only ever wants to do what she wants to like watch TV, or bake cakes, or go to a museum. it feels like im doing ALL the compromising. she NEVER takes an interest in what im interested in and yes i have even tried to learn knitting with her, i failed, but i tried.

Iv kind of just allowed myself to drift through this for the past 10 years but have recently met up with an old (female) friend who even as a teenager I was head over heals in love with but never had the courage to confess to. All the emotions have been brought back to the surface again and i feel like a horrible person for having these feelings.

We have had "the" talk, and I have said that if things don't improve my the end of January im leaving. so far (2 weeks in) she hasnt made any changes at all. 

i still love her and i would never want to hurt her, but if i stay with her just because of that...... it doesnt seem right. 

can anyone help me with some clarity here? i expect not, but heres to hoping.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

error,

Sounds like you are the poster boy for Beta males.

You are doing too much and not reaping any rewards. Stop doing the following:

All the cooking
Running a bath when she has had a hard day.
Cleaning the house regularly 
Getting up with her between 4 and 5am when she goes to work and make her her lunch and a cup of coffee despite the fact i dont need to be up till gone 8 (i work from home)
Trying to learn knitting with her

She sees you more as a girlfriend than a strong male figure. Look up what it means to be an alpa male and stop all this oter stuff.

make friends and go out for God's sake!


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## error404 (Aug 22, 2012)

Toffer said:


> error,
> 
> Sounds like you are the poster boy for Beta males.
> 
> ...


Resentfully i agree, im an alpha by nature, im always the leader of the group, the issue is that if i allow her to cook we will be dead by morning as she cant cook an egg. im a beta by necessity if you catch my drift. I mean there is no question, even if you ask her who "wears the trousers" she would say that its me, i make ALL the decisions, including things like what she buys for me as gift at xmas and birthday, infact i usually buy it myself and give it to her so she can wrap it. but thats the issue, she WONT put effort in.

I wonder if im just flogging the dead horse here,


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

> i think i do a pretty good job of being a husband,


Let's see:



> i do all the cooking, i run a bath when she has had a hard day, i never go out with my friends as they all live hundreds of miles away and dont complain when she does. i clean the house regularly and am always happy to "snuggle" rather than just.... well you know. i get up with her between 4 and 5am when she goes to work and make her her lunch and a cup of coffee despite the fact i dont need to be up till gone 8 (i work from home)



No I think you do a pretty good job of being a servant, a doormat and a perfectly shaped 'nice guy'

Read this short book NOW (in the next couple of hours) and stop living the life you're living:

https://7chan.org/lit/src/Robert_Glover_-_No_More_Mr_Nice_Guy.pdf


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Maybe I'm still not seeing the alpha here... If it was me, I'd make a point of eating out before coming home on a regular basis, and letting her fend for herself. And as far as gifts go, I'd start buying what I want, but to heck with her getting to feel good about "giving" it to me. Let her feel guilty about not having a present under the tree for me. 

Basically, stop trying to make her feel good and meet your needs when yours aren't being met.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Screenp2 (Dec 4, 2011)

synthetic said:


> Let's see:
> 
> 
> Read this short book NOW (in the next couple of hours) and stop living the life you're living:
> ...



+1000

You are a textbook nice guy and so was I! 

Get the book ASAP and then get over to the forums and away from this 'you need to be more loving' BS forum NOW!! 

No More Mr. Nice Guy Online Support Group - Powered by vBulletin

You need to be a man and take care of you! 

Don't worry, she'll find a way to eat, figure out how to draw a bath because guess what.. before you came along.. she did all that BY HERSELF!! 

Good luck on your journey!


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## donders (May 9, 2012)

error404 said:


> We have had "the" talk, and I have said that if things don't improve my the end of January im leaving. so far (2 weeks in) she hasnt made any changes at all.


We're in mid August.

January is.. 5 months away. 

Any particular reason you targeted "end of January" for improvement?

Seems rather.. arbitrary.


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## error404 (Aug 22, 2012)

donders said:


> We're in mid August.
> 
> January is.. 5 months away.
> 
> ...


we have had "talks" many times where she has promised to improve, and she does, it usually lasts a week tops then she goes back to normal. i set a long term goal so that she has to change and change for good, not just a short time.

i need to point out that my work is less demanding than hers. i can quite easily work a few hours a day and have time to spare plus i have no travel (work from home) where as she works 8-5 5 days a week 45 miles from home.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Error,

You may be Alpha in the decision making process but you're very Beta in all else!

Stop doing the beta tasks I outlined earlier!


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## izzy123 (Aug 23, 2012)

Sounds to me that the marriage is worth investing in.

Maybe try the "light her fire" series? You can get them on MP3.


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## donders (May 9, 2012)

error404 said:


> we have had "talks" many times where she has promised to improve, and she does, it usually lasts a week tops then she goes back to normal. i set a long term goal so that she has to change and change for good, not just a short time.


Telling her if things don't improve by 6 months from now.. (fill in whatever consequence applies), she's under no pressure to do anything NOW.

Which is why you haven't seen her do anything different for 2 weeks.

It also makes you look weak because you're giving her too much slack.

Better would be "changes start NOW and they stay that way long enough for me to know it's not some sort of a temporary thing or I'm gone". And be prepared to stand by your ultimatum otherwise it will backfire on you.


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## cloudwithleggs (Oct 13, 2011)

Toffer said:


> error,
> 
> Sounds like you are the poster boy for Beta males.
> 
> ...


All i know is i want one just like that, but i'll return the favours in every department.

I can't knit though never felt the compulsion. 

Any way the OP sounds very unappreciated, which is not on really, you need to change slightly


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

> i make ALL the decisions, including things like what she buys for me as gift at xmas and birthday, infact i usually buy it myself and give it to her so she can wrap it


I am sorry but this is ridiculous.

Is she seeing someone else?


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## donders (May 9, 2012)

error404 said:


> i make ALL the decisions, including things like what she buys for me as gift at xmas and birthday, infact i usually buy it myself and give it to her so she can wrap it.


Do you buy yourself a card and fill it out too?


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## J Valley (Jun 28, 2012)

OP,

Is your relationship like this all along or did this just happened? By being beta does not help either.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

error404 said:


> I need to make this clear, i still love my wife. now that that is said, i will fill in the details.
> 
> i have been with ***** for 9 years and 10 months, i think i do a pretty good job of being a husband, i do all the cooking, i run a bath when she has had a hard day, i never go out with my friends as they all live hundreds of miles away and dont complain when she does. i clean the house regularly and am always happy to "snuggle" rather than just.... well you know. i get up with her between 4 and 5am when she goes to work and make her her lunch and a cup of coffee despite the fact i dont need to be up till gone 8 (i work from home)
> 
> ...


Hi - 

She doesn't do "nothing." She works. Does she do the grocery shopping, take care of children, dust, do dishes, etc.

Please be honest here. Are you telling us all she does is work, come home, sit on the couch while you wait on her hand & foot?

I hear you that you are not getting your needs met & now have feelings for someone else.

But seriously, you are making her sound like a lazy sloth.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Sounds like you are a beta niceguy who has done everything you have not because you really enjoy it but because you have a covert contract with her to do as much as you can in return for being given sex and appreciation. Her end of the contract, as simple as you think it should be for her, is actually impossible because she does not know there is such a contract and has not actually agreed to it (except insofar as the usual implicit wifely duties that "society" has placed on traditional marriages). Since she is not living up to her end of the impossible deal you now think you feel entitled to have a relationship with someone else. like all the sacrifice you have made in your marriage have earned you pleasure with whomever fits the bill.

Also realize that it doesn't sound like you want to leave her because of all the things you've never told her you need from her to make your relationship work, it's that you are becoming infatuated with someone else and believe that you have a better chance of having your needs met by setting up a new covert contract with this other woman, who you believe will just "get you" more without having to communicate your needs.

Not trying to sound harsh, but if your W is lazy its because you've enabled her too, not had any of your own boundaries and never communicated your needs to her. You married your W for a reason, I personally think you really should work on your marriage by working on yourself - go to IC, read _No More Mr Nice Guy_ and work on the exercises, follow _Married Man's Sex Life_ - links for these are all over this website. Start understanding and acknowledging your needs, communicating this to your W and start enforcing some boundaries - stop doing things with the intent of trying to manipulate your W to be a better W, do things because its what you believe you should do. And cut contact off with the OW because no good will come of that, it will take you years to work these issues out but if your W is loyal to you now, and remains loyal you and loves you, and can learn to read your boundaries then you already have the best woman the universe could provide. Your W is not your problem, at least not at this point in your own life.


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## izzy123 (Aug 23, 2012)

Lon - great post. Lots of insight that I personally hope to benefit from!


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