# girlfriend still socializes with ex husband and his wife



## goldstandard (Apr 9, 2012)

My current girlfriend still has dinner and goes places with her ex husband and his wife. What makes this difficult for me is that I dated her back in high school and she dumped me for the ex husband. They have 3 adult kids together which is the reason they spend lots of time together. Although the marriage did not survive, it appears they get along great for the kids sake. When I get invited places, the ex husband is always around as a constant reminder that I was second choice. She has wanted to get intimate with me but I will not be able to get too emotionally involved with her because I see that this issue with the ex husband would become a problem for me if I get too close to her. I am very close to ending the relationship but I thought I would post here first to get your objective viewpoint. I don't want to appear jealous. I just think it is odd that she wants to hang out with him. The reason why they divorced is because he was unfaithful. I realize that it is important to have harmony for the sake of the boys. Should I be more understanding? I don't know if I can handle doing things with him in the picture.


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## Janky (Nov 26, 2013)

The kids are adults and they still hang out?

If it bothers you now, the jealousy is going to get worse the closer you get to her.

On the plus side, you are invited to go along with them.

Its not like shes excluding you from the outings.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

It's just going to suck MORE. 

This is what dating is for...to see if it could work. Looks like it won't.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I would say it's very likely she isn't quite over her ex. This is a boundary that you're not really compatible on. Time to move on.


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

goldstandard said:


> Should I be more understanding? I don't know if I can handle doing things with him in the picture.


Yes, goldstandard, you should be more understanding.

You should dig down deep inside yourself and *understand* why on earth you would want to be in this relationship in the first place.

She dumped you years ago for "him." He cheated on her, to the point that their marriage couldn't recover, and they divorced. He remarried.

And your girlfriend STILL wants to hang around him.

She sounds pretty pathetic to me.

But it's not about her.

So have a good look at yourself, goldstandard. You need to understand why you value yourself so little, that you tolerate this kind of treatment in a relationship.

If you don't come to understand this void in your soul, then you're going to have a miserable time of things.


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

OP, my advice would be to cut your losses and RUN from this relationship.

There's too much history and hurt feelings to get past and it will get you hurt over and over.

You are are clearly her rebound guy as she knows you are readily available. 

Not want you want to hear but this is direct advice from another guy. If that were me, I would end it today and save the misery.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

That arrangement would not work for me either. I honestly don't know anyone who would be happy about this.

That's not to say that ex spouses shouldn't be amicable, but this is ridiculous!

My husband and his ex-wife are amicable. To a degree. For example, recently my stepdaughter had some minor surgery. All three of us took her to the hospital, and then while she was having the surgery we went across the road for lunch. Do we make a habit of this? No. It was a unique circumstance, and both parents wanted to be close by to their daughter. Had I not been there they likely wouldn't have gone for lunch together, they don't get along that well, lol. I was a bit of a buffer I think and ex wife and I just chatted.

However, there is NO way on god's green earth that I would tolerate socialising with the ex on a regular basis - aside from family things involving the kids - even as adults these things will come up. But just to "catch up" no f'n way!


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Move on. You will always be second choice.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

How lo g have you been going out together? 

C


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## flyer (Jun 23, 2014)

I agree with everyone else, move on. You're second fiddle, my man.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

My divorce was ridiculously amicable. And, my ex-husband and I still move in the same circles - professionally, politically and socially. It's a small town, so we find ourselves at the same functions pretty routinely even outside of the events that we both attend for our son. We are polite and conversant, and there is never even a hint of any unpleasantness from either of us. His girlfriend and I are also polite, though it's very clear that I make her profoundly uncomfortable. 

Even I would not be okay with the relationship you describe. My ex-husband and I have to interact, but we do not get together to chat or make an effort to spend time together socially. I think your girlfriend has very poor boundaries, and is likely not entirely at a point where she's really emotionally ready to have another relationship. I think you'd be best served to cut your losses with this one. Look for a woman who's emotionally available.


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## goldstandard (Apr 9, 2012)

Thanks for your replies. Yes, I think I am going to cut my losses. The ex husband gets his ego fed by everyone cow towing to him. She wanted to get intimate after dinner on Valentines Day. I could not do it. She said that her son was in town and they were going out to dinner together on Sunday. I thought that was nice. Then, Sunday after they had dinner, she told me that her ex husband and his wife went along and paid for the meal. You would have thought that they would have done everything to keep their marriage together when 3 boys are involved.Now that they are divorced, it is so important to do things together because of the boys.:scratchhead: What am I missing here? He was a real A$$ hole of a husband when she was married to him. Now he is this great guy now that they are divorced. She is totally oblivious to this bothering me. I'm sure they would all look at me and say, what is his problem? I have not spoken to her since Sunday when she told me how great a time they all had at dinner. I'm done. I just haven't figured out how I am going to tell her yet, something along the lines of... I'm not going to be your rebound and watch your pompous ex husband getting all this attention.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Have you TOLD her that it bothers you and given her a chance to end it?


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

> He was a real A$$ hole of a husband when she was married to him.


And yet she can't get enough of him.

I have found it interesting whenever I had asked a guy why are still friends with her? and then they tell me how awful she is; how psycho she is; how she needs professional help and so on. And yet, they still insist upon being friends with that woman, ex girlfriend whatever. 

I think, that the more horrible the history is; particularly, the more horrible my partner portrays the history, the more in love my partner is with the woman is question.

You may want to apply that logic to your situation as well.


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## goldstandard (Apr 9, 2012)

Turnera, I have not told her because I did not want to come across as unreasonable, jealous, not understanding. I have tried to put myself in her shoes doing this for the kids etc. I think it stings somewhat more because the ex husband was the guy she preferred over me back in the high shool days. I know that is a long time ago but I just don't want to be constantly reminded of him. The kids are old enough now, 19-25. Whatever, I feel like maybe I am being unreasonable in bringing this matter to her attention. The ex is obviously still very important in her life even though he is remarried. She doesn't seem to be bothered by being the third wheel when they go out together. This stuff is way over my head....


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

goldstandard said:


> Turnera, I have not told her because I did not want to come across as unreasonable, jealous, not understanding. QUOTE]
> 
> You are willing to finish the relationship over it (most likely the right decision), but not to talk about this with her?


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

goldstandard said:


> Turnera, I have not told her because I did not want to come across as unreasonable, jealous, not understanding. I have tried to put myself in her shoes doing this for the kids etc. I think it stings somewhat more because the ex husband was the guy she preferred over me back in the high shool days. I know that is a long time ago but I just don't want to be constantly reminded of him. The kids are old enough now, 19-25. Whatever, *I feel like maybe I am being unreasonable in bringing this matter to her attention*. The ex is obviously still very important in her life even though he is remarried. She doesn't seem to be bothered by being the third wheel when they go out together. This stuff is way over my head....


And don't forget their history...he cheated on her right? Now he is with another woman, and him cheating ON her wasn't enough to keep her away, so given their history, and continued relationship...quite possible he may end up cheating WITH her...


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## goldstandard (Apr 9, 2012)

He has a bad boy image. It is an intriguing characteristic to lots of women unfortunately. They think he is irresistible. I never could understand. He is short at 5'5" but carries himself well with lots of self confidence. I would not be surprised if she wants him now that they are divorced.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

goldstandard said:


> Turnera, I have not told her because I did not want to come across as unreasonable, jealous, not understanding.


Ah, got it.

You are a Nice Guy.

Download this book and start reading it, _today_. It will change everything.

https://7chan.org/lit/src/Robert_Glover_-_No_More_Mr_Nice_Guy.pdf


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

turnera said:


> Ah, got it.
> 
> You are a Nice Guy.
> 
> ...


This^^^
and one more book
The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011: Athol Kay: 9781460981733: Amazon.com: Books


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

goldstandard said:


> Turnera, I have not told her because I did not want to come across as unreasonable, jealous, not understanding. I have tried to put myself in her shoes doing this for the kids etc. I think it stings somewhat more because the ex husband was the guy she preferred over me back in the high shool days. I know that is a long time ago but I just don't want to be constantly reminded of him. The kids are old enough now, 19-25. Whatever, I feel like maybe I am being unreasonable in bringing this matter to her attention. The ex is obviously still very important in her life even though he is remarried. She doesn't seem to be bothered by being the third wheel when they go out together. This stuff is way over my head....


Why is his current wife putting up with this???:scratchhead:
Only time for them together should be for the kids birthdays I mean that's just weird.


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## goldstandard (Apr 9, 2012)

I know nice guys finish last. You are damned if you do and damned if you don't. I realize I need to stand up and say " This is not tolerable to me". It is her life and she has "needs" as the ex wife and I am expected to play by the family rules ( ex husband, 3 boys ). I know that I need to have a talk with her later because she has already left me a voicemail here at work for me to call her. I'm sure she wants to know why she did not hear from her all day yesterday. I just needed some time to ponder over all this family drama/ dynamics, not meant to play games with her. I suppose I could keep our relationship simple, someone to go out with and see a movie and have dinner with no feelings and no sex. I think once I tell her the truth about how I feel about her relationship with her ex, she will try to convince me that there are no feelings and all is done for the kids best interest. I also think once she knows how I feel, she will just go underground with him.

In so far as me being the nice guy, I know that is not good for me in the long run and I plan on taking a hard stance when I confront her with this. She will try to justify what she does by explaining that she wants her adult children to see that mom and dad are civil to each other for the kid's benefit even though that was not a major priority during the marriage.:scratchhead: Seems kind of backwards if you ask me. They were unreasonable as a married couple i.e. fighting and cheating. Now they are great as a divorced ccouple and someone like me on the outside will be viewed as the unreasonable one. I any event, I am going to gather my thoughts together and lay it all on the line to her later on without being the doormat. Any advice on how to spell it all out would be greatly appreciated. I understand her kids are number one in her life. However, I am number one in my life.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

tom67 said:


> *Why is his current wife putting up with this???*:scratchhead:
> Only time for them together should be for the kids birthdays I mean that's just weird.


A lot of women have no problems being in a bad boy harem.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

goldstandard said:


> I think once I tell her the truth about how I feel about her relationship with her ex, she will try to convince me that there are no feelings and all is done for the kids best interest. I also think once she knows how I feel, she will just go underground with him.


Now see, if you had read the book before posting this, you wouldn't be saying this.

A FORMER Nice Guy who had learned better would say "She'll try to downplay it and I'll then tell her she's free to see her ex all she wants - it just won't happen with ME in the picture. It's her choice. I'm fine either way. And I don't care WHAT excuses she has; it's a simple choice - him or me."


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

goldstandard said:


> She will try to justify what she does by explaining that she wants her adult children to see that mom and dad are civil to each other for the kids' benefit


First, they are NOT KIDS. They are adults. There IS no reason this is valid other than that she wants him.

Second, just read the book. All your posturing is weak, whining, and doomed to fail. Read the book. It's online. It's free. You can read it* right now*.



> Any advice on how to spell it all out would be greatly appreciated.


I already did. "I don't want to share you with your ex. If having him in your life is more important than having me in your life, I'm moving on. Your choice."


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

I am with the OP on this one. If he tells her how he feels, it will so get turned around on him. I would just walk away and not explain a damn thing. For once, you be the bad boy. 

Never accept being Plan B cause Plan A cheated on her.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

goldstandard said:


> Thanks for your replies. Yes, I think I am going to cut my losses. The ex husband gets his ego fed by everyone cow towing to him. She wanted to get intimate after dinner on Valentines Day. I could not do it. She said that her son was in town and they were going out to dinner together on Sunday. I thought that was nice. Then, Sunday after they had dinner, she told me that her ex husband and his wife went along and paid for the meal. You would have thought that they would have done everything to keep their marriage together when 3 boys are involved.Now that they are divorced, it is so important to do things together because of the boys.:scratchhead: What am I missing here? He was a real A$$ hole of a husband when she was married to him. Now he is this great guy now that they are divorced. She is totally oblivious to this bothering me. I'm sure they would all look at me and say, what is his problem? I have not spoken to her since Sunday when she told me how great a time they all had at dinner. I'm done. I just haven't figured out how I am going to tell her yet, something along the lines of... I'm not going to be your rebound and watch your pompous ex husband getting all this attention.


You should talk to her about it. But it likely needs to end no matter what she says.

Why? Because her standards, and all of their standards, are just different than yours. It actually doesn't matter a lick of damn what anybody in this thread on TAM thinks about their relationship, it's boundaries or how strange the situation seems. The reality is that she is comfortable with it, he is comfortable with it, the kids are comfortable with it, and apparently even his own WIFE is comfortable with it. They all appear to have a very nice, amicable situation going that works for their family. And don't get it twisted it, it is absolutely their family, not yours at all.

You, the boyfriend, are the odd man out. You do not fit into the world they have created. Asking her, or them, to change their world to accommodate your discomfort is foolishness. Their boundaries don't work for you and yours won't work for them. Try and change what they've got will eventually lead to resentment and broken relationships all around.

Move on. Find a woman who has the same boundaries you do. Let this woman go and she'll likely find a man who is comfortable fitting into the family as is. It's fine that it's not you. You're in the luxurious position of dodging a bullet before you put a ring on it.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

samyeagar said:


> A lot of women have no problems being in a bad boy harem.


I know.
Long term though it doesn't bode well.
Someone will tire of this situation imo.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

intheory said:


> goldstandard,
> 
> Some posters are suggesting you explain your feelings to her; and therefore give her a chance to fix the situation.
> 
> ...


THIS^^^:iagree::iagree:
Move on.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I think he needs to tell her because he needs to understand what it means to stop being a Nice Guy. He'll just carry that performance through to his next girlfriend if he doesn't face his Nice Guy fears and learn you can say something unpleasant to someone and not have the world fall apart. gs, I'm sure you'll tell me you're not afraid to tell OTHER people something unpleasant, so just ask yourself this: why haven't you said anything to HER yet?


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Passive:

I'm mad at her and her behavior, but I don't want to look like a control freak, so I'm not going to say anything. I'll just appear to go with the flow.

Agressive:

If she keeps seeing him (even though I've never mentioned it as a problem) I'm going to dump her.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Passive:
> 
> I'm mad at her and her behavior, but I don't want to look like a control freak, so I'm not going to say anything. I'll just appear to go with the flow* until I blow up about it*.
> 
> ...


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## flyer (Jun 23, 2014)

intheory said:


> goldstandard,
> 
> Some posters are suggesting you explain your feelings to her; and therefore give her a chance to fix the situation.
> 
> ...





This is sort of what I was thinking. You're not married to her, you really don't owe her any kind of explanation at all.
Just.......disappear......poof.......be gone.


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## goldstandard (Apr 9, 2012)

turnera said:


> I think he needs to tell her because he needs to understand what it means to stop being a Nice Guy. He'll just carry that performance through to his next girlfriend if he doesn't face his Nice Guy fears and learn you can say something unpleasant to someone and not have the world fall apart. gs, I'm sure you'll tell me you're not afraid to tell OTHER people something unpleasant, so just ask yourself this: why haven't you said anything to HER yet?


Well, (read my thread history ), my last girlfriend a couple years ago filed a false restraining order on me because I would not buy her a ring after dating for 5 months. I put my foot down and she made up false allegations on me. The restraining order was thrown out in court because I had documentation that she was lying. I think she was just satisfied in dragging me into court. I was still affected by having to defend my integrity. Maybe that is why I am a little reserved these days. I know how to pick 'em don't I ? I will definitely read the book.


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## goldstandard (Apr 9, 2012)

I know that I have to become stronger in standing up for myself. I will read the book as suggested. The reason I have become passive lately is due to a bad past relationship where my ex girlfriend filed false charges on me that were dropped in court. She fits the criteria of a borderline although she is not diagnosed. Ever since then, I have not rocked the boat. Going to court knowing you are innocent can be a traumatic experience. 

I still have not decided whether to just break it off without an explanation or not. It should not be my idea for her to distance herself from her ex. If she can't do it on her own without someone giving her the idea, what good is it. It is like asking someone if they love you. If they tell you without you asking, it has more meaning. I think Jaquen hit the nail on the head. This is not my family. I am the odd man out. I also think the ex's wife doesn't have any backbone and just goes with the flow. Plus, the ex has $$$ so she is going to keep quiet.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Just explain to her that it is an awkward situation, and ANY man will not be comfortable with it. Tell her that if that's the relationship she wants, more power to her; she'll just end up being their third wheel for the rest of her life (if the wife allows it much longer) because NO man is going to stay with her if she continues. And then let her decide what to do.


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## goldstandard (Apr 9, 2012)

Thanks Turnera. Good advice!


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## flyer (Jun 23, 2014)

goldstandard said:


> I know that I have to become stronger in standing up for myself. I will read the book as suggested. The reason I have become passive lately is due to a bad past relationship where my ex girlfriend filed false charges on me that were dropped in court. She fits the criteria of a borderline although she is not diagnosed. Ever since then, I have not rocked the boat. Going to court knowing you are innocent can be a traumatic experience.
> 
> I still have not decided whether to just break it off without an explanation or not. It should not be my idea for her to distance herself from her ex. If she can't do it on her own without someone giving her the idea, what good is it. It is like asking someone if they love you. If they tell you without you asking, it has more meaning. I think Jaquen hit the nail on the head. This is not my family. I am the odd man out. I also think the ex's wife doesn't have any backbone and just goes with the flow. Plus, the ex has $$$ so she is going to keep quiet.



If she can't do it on her own without someone giving her the idea, what good is it. 

This where I'm at at talking to my wife about intimacy and affection. It's like, if I have to ask for it, what good is it?
If she ever showed any, would it be real, or duty/pity?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

flyer, we don't come with manuals. And most of us have SOME form of dysfunction. Just 'knowing what to do' is an oxymoron, in most cases. That's why communication is so vital.


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## goldstandard (Apr 9, 2012)

Yes. It seems like common sense that you would chase someone away by continuing to be enmeshed with the ex husband . What an ego booster for him. The one time I joined them was when my girlfriend's brother passed away and they had a celebration event for him at a restaurant. The ex was the life of the party. He was rather cold with me. I just sat back and observed. It was at the party that I started wondering why they even got divorced. They seemed to get along so well together that evening.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

your girlfriend is the ex husband's "beta orbiter."

And I hate the term, but the point is that she circles around this guy hoping for even a piece of the pie.

Think about it. She dumped you for him. He cheated on her, is with someone else, yet she is still enamored enough to "orbit" around him, waiting for breadcrumbs.

It's great she wants you to join. Because the job she wants you to have is to orbit her waiting for the breadcrumbs she drops while she orbits him waiting for the breadcrumbs he drops.

My point is...

Why be that dude?

She had her chance. He had his. Thank you lucky stars you have a chance to back out cleanly.


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## goldstandard (Apr 9, 2012)

This thread has been very helpful. Thank you guys and gals.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

End the relationship

Truth is, there should've never been one to begin with. For 2 reasons.

Reason #1, she dumped you for another guy, the ex
Reason #2, she has relationship with her ex that is beyond "child only"

Then there is the whole "can a mother ever make YOU her priority over her children.....in time, of course"

And the answer 99.999% of the time is NO WAY.

Personally, I'm either priority or I'm not......again, in time.

Problem is, most mothers will never EVER make their loved one their priority, kids will always have that spot FOREVER.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

I agree with T, tell her your uncomfortable and to you she's put herself in a died position. Tell her you don't think she has moved on and you're not interested in being the fifth wheel. Tell her you don't hang around cheaters or people that socialize with cheaters either. Tell her you don't trust him at all to be around anyone you date.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

BTW, let us know how she responds. Her response will be very telling.

Why would her kids expect her to get along with the @ss that cheated on their mother?


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Chaparral said:


> Why would her kids expect her to get along with the @ss that cheated on their mother?


Honestly that's not fair. No matter what happens between the parents when it comes to fidelity, it's ultimately their business if the kids are grown. I imagine lots children would like to be able to have a peaceful family after divorce. Theirs would hardly be the only family where, thankfully, infidelity wasn't able to destroy everything. 

I think suggesting that the kids should jump in, take sides, and hope their parents don't get along is so absolutely not how it should be. We also have no idea why the mom is forgiving at all; major details are missing here as to the dynamic of this family.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Your Gf is lacking objectivity about herself and she is not over him.

If you give her an ultimatum and she agrees to some compromise do you really think she will all of a sudden be "over him"?

I would want to see some detachment and mature realization on her part. Ideally you would be seeing that already as she would have been living it, not just responding to your raising the issue.

She may comply and bury it, raising resentment and not really solving anything. How long you willing to work with this? Do you want to be the "reason" she backs off? That will always be your possession if you are. I would want her to be behaving as an independent adult already.

She still wants to play family with him, let her go, and don't try to change the past.

If you have to say something tell her you realize that it's her life and she is trying to make the best of a difficult situation, but you feel she is still too involved with her ex to give you the kind of relationship you are looking for in a LTR. Its not a good fit for you. That BTW is the truth right?
(If needed repeat as necessary, "it's not a good fit for me", until she stops trying to persuade you or you leave. "I should go" often works.)


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## goldstandard (Apr 9, 2012)

I am reading no more Mr. Nice Guy. It is a good book. I realize you run the risk of losing someone if you stand up for yourself. The kids will always be number one. I don't have kids of my own but I can put a woman number 1 in my life. I have not talked to her yet but she has tried calling me. I know that her response is going to be that it is for the kid's benefit. It seems like lots of her family drama could have been avoided had she just stayed married. Ultimately, I am going to move on. I don't want to be a fifth wheel. I think everyone has forgotten that the ex was a cheater.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

goldstandard said:


> The kids will always be number one.


The problem is, they SHOULDN'T be. In time, as relationship develops you SHOULD earn the #1 spot.

Personally I would NOT get involved with anyone that would not have #1 spot available (in time).



goldstandard said:


> I don't have kids of my own but I can put a woman number 1 in my life.


You can, the big question is, can she? And will she ever?



goldstandard said:


> I have not talked to her yet but she has tried calling me. I know that her response is going to be that it is for the kid's benefit. It seems like lots of her family drama could have been avoided had she just stayed married. Ultimately, I am going to move on. I don't want to be a fifth wheel. I think everyone has forgotten that the ex was a cheater.


Take the situation for what it is. Her relationship with Ex is NOT Child only and chances are HIGH there are still feelings left.

Big question, how long has it been since her divorce. If it's anything below 6-1 year.....she needs MORE time to heal and is NOT ready for a new relationship.

Also, if she introduced you to her children early on = sign of a BAD mother. Any decent woman would wait until relationship is serious before introducing new male into family.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

goldstandard said:


> She is totally oblivious to this bothering me.


And there's the rub.

You both have different boundaries. And that's ok, it just means that you aren't compatible for the long run with the status quo.



goldstandard said:


> I just haven't figured out how I am going to tell her yet, something along the lines of... I'm not going to be your rebound and watch your pompous ex husband getting all this attention.


Nah, don't say that. That has a lot of anger/insecurity in it. So just say this: "I have been thinking about things and this relationship isn't working out for me as is. I enjoy the time I spend with you but am not really into how much time you spend with your ex husband. This relationship isn't going to work for me. I wish you well." 

Bye. 

Keep it simple. You don't even have to add the part about the ex if you don't want (though it does give the reason). You could always just say: 

"I have been thinking about things and this relationship isn't working out for me as is. I wish you well. Take care."

She will be hard-pressed to find lots of men who are ok with that arrangement.

The extra slap is that she left you for him at some point in time. 

Not the exact scenario but I once dated a guy who was extremely close/best friends with this ex girlfriend. Always hanging out with her (and her husband), always talking about her, calling her, texting her, talking about her. I told him I wasn't into it and bailed. 

It would have never worked for me.


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## goldstandard (Apr 9, 2012)

Thank you Jellybeans. I like your response. Especially the first one. I think the ex husband has to be mentioned in there, just leaving out the negative comment about pompous / arrogant. I think she should think twice about how enmeshed she still is with the ex. Or maybe I should just not care to even mention it.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

If you've never brought it up to her and want it to work out, then mention it to her. If you don't care either way I say, say Sayonara.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> If you've never brought it up to her and want it to work out, then mention it to her. If you don't care either way I say, say Sayonara.


Yeah, as I see it, she's a big girl, he's not her keeper, and has no moral obligation to say anything about her ex husband. In fact, it may even be to her benefit to have to figure it out on her own when she ends up with a lot of guys dumping her. Sometimes learning a lesson for and by ones self are the best lessons learned.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

It's not you, it's me. We're just at different places in our lives right now. You deserve better than me. blah blah blah....


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

"Listen, you have a lot of stuff to sort out with your ex, and I don't want to get in the middle of that. We had fun, but it's time for me to let you go sort that out. Take care."


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

WorkingOnMe said:


> It's not you, it's me. We're just at different places in our lives right now. You deserve better than me. blah blah blah....


Corrected:


WorkingOnMe said:


> *It's you, not me.* We're just at different places in our lives right now. *blah blah blah....*


Kidding.


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

Your last two posts really hit on it. Personally, I wouldn't really say too much more than the relationship isn't working out for you. Yes, YOU! it seems just fine for your girlfriend, she likes her life as it is, and you are on the sideline waiting for a little attention. See what her reaction is. If she just walks away. That would be very telling. If she asks for an explanation, then tell her that she is far too enmeshed with her exhusband, which is really what it is. Keep it simple. No long drawn out explanations or discussions. She probably just wont see from your perspective.


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## goldstandard (Apr 9, 2012)

Like I stated before, if she can't think of it herself, what good is it. If I have to bring it to her attention, she would have to change AS AN ACCOMODATION to me. In other words, it would have to be a sacrifice on her part. She would be doing it as a favor to me.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Well there's two things:

If you haven't addressed what's bothering you, then she will never know. So you *could* say something.

Or you could just not say anything and bail.

Entirely up to you.

Don't assume she can read your mind though. Don't also assume she'll be ok with the fact you're not ok with it.

Just comes down to the fact that you guys have different boundaries.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I have to play devil's advocate and say we often do things without putting any thought into it. All of us do things that other people question, but to us, it just makes sense. Her situation just makes sense to her and it likely has never even occurred to her to look at it from OUTSIDE and see how skewed it is. It's possible that if you were to say it out loud, she might be horrified and embarrassed and stop it immediately.

Or she wouldn't, in which case you'd have your answer. In other words, you could be possibly helping her by pointing it out.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

turnera said:


> I have to play devil's advocate and say we often do things without putting any thought into it. All of us do things that other people question, but to us, it just makes sense. Her situation just makes sense to her and it likely has never even occurred to her to look at it from OUTSIDE and see how skewed it is. It's possible that if you were to say it out loud, she might be horrified and embarrassed and stop it immediately.
> 
> Or she wouldn't, in which case you'd have your answer. In other words, you could be possibly helping her by pointing it out.


It would be interesting to find out how many other men this woman has dated before the OP came along. How long these relationships lasted and whether she has any idea why they ended.

She may be one of those types of women, who when the guy bails simply thinks "his loss" and never cares to know the reason why he did bail.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Or, it could just be like I described.

'those types of women'...


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

turnera;11867929 said:


> It's possible that if you were to say it out loud, she might be horrified and embarrassed and stop it immediately.


:iagree:



turnera;11867929 said:


> Or she wouldn't, in which case you'd have your answer.


Yep.



NextTimeAround said:


> It would be interesting to find out how many other men this woman has dated before the OP came along. How long these relationships have lasted


The guy I dated (who I mentioned earlier in this thread) who was best friends with his ex-girlfriend told me that the woman he dated prior to me, didn't last with him because "she couldn't deal with my relationship with best friend." Told me everything I needed to know. He mentioned that in passing to me, too. I was like, "Uh, yeaaaaaaaaaaaaah. Good luck with that with the next chick you date, too because I am also out."


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## goldstandard (Apr 9, 2012)

I told her last night that I enjoy her company but it is not going to work out between us as a couple because we have different boundaries. She asked me to elaborate and I just said that her ex husband is still too much involved in her life. I said that he is a constant reminder that I am plan b, second choice. I explained that there are no hard feelings but if we became closer and intimate, it would be hard for me to see how enmeshed you are with him. She gave no response. I think she needs time to process my comments. It is really sad. I guess people have different viewpoints on this situation. Her kids will probably get married some day and put their spouse first. As it is right now, her top priority is to show her kids that there is harmony between mom and dad and forgiveness for his poor behavior which broke up the family.:scratchhead:


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Good job.

Now rip the band aid off, cut all ties clean, and move on.

No more head scratching. No more wondering. No more waiting for her to "process" your comments.

It's done. Let it die.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Your avatar cracks me up, Marduk. I love Keanu.

Goldstandard - good on you for stating this and letting her know the reason why. Maybe she will see your POV and reach out to you again. Maybe she won't. Either way, it's good you did what you felt was best for you.


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## malagacoast (Feb 2, 2015)

Goldstandar, save yourself a lot of time and pain. Let her go, unless she Stops all that 2nd wife behavior. 

I had the same thing happening to me.

My EX and his ex wife were very good friends.
The day she got married, and send him a picture of her wedding day, he got sick. Told me, it was a cigar that he smoke and needed to lay down.
Up to this day she still calls him, e mail, etc even so her new husband told her not to have contact with him.
And they have not children together. 

You guessed right. The lack of boundaries in his part , with her, and flirty-coworkers, finally broke the relationship.

It doesn't matter how you want to rationalize it, eventually the incompatibility in boundaries, will get to you. After a lot of pain involved.

It is what it is.


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