# Job relocation may doom marriage



## Smilbury (Jul 24, 2013)

I'm at a wits end dilemma here. My wife and I have been married for almost 10 years, and immediately after we married, we relocated to her hometown where I had no family, no friends, etc. I got a great job offer for a place I wanted to work for (at the time), and it was a great idea to move.

Fast forward years later (and two kids), and now I'm in a bad career position with no meaningful employment for 2 years, the bill collectors are merciless, and I'm stressed to the max. I have a potential job offer in another city closer to my family, but she's balking at the idea of moving. Her claim (and I'll grant it's legitimate) is that she has a job, and with my recent job instability, she doesn't want to immediately relocate. I'd agree with that, and would be a fool if I didn't.

However, I get the feeling that it's more than that. I am truly convinced beyond a shadow of a doubt that she doesn't want to leave her hometown. I honestly believe that should I take this job, which will better our family's financial situation, it won't be long before some slimeball shows up to serve me with divorce papers. Truthfully, there isn't much love in the marriage. We sleep in separate room and have for 18 months. Sex and intimacy are nonexistent. When I mention any possibility of jobs, relocation, etc., I'm met with 1) disinterest and 2) the same response of "you have to do what you have to do". I can honestly say if it weren't for the kids, I'd take this job if offered immediately, and she can have her town and family. 

All I know is I can't live with bill collectors calling me nonstop anymore. I feel like I've done everything possible to make a career work here, and it's been to no avail. This potential relocation position, while not a slam dunk, is probably the best chance I've had at securing full-time employment in 2 years. I'm tired of feeling like a deadbeat, tired of feeling unloved, but am scared to death of leaving and losing relationships with my children. Any advice appreciated.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How old are your children?
How far away is this job?
How soon do you need to make a decision on the job?

you do not need to lose your relationship with your children if you take this job. You do have rights.

See an attorney can explain your situation. You want to have your children with you in your new city some portion of the time. Get an agreement like that on paper, with a court order.

If you can come home on weekends, holidays etc you could work on your marriage. If you do not really care about your marriage, have your children visit you often at your new place.

Bottom line, I think you need to take the job. If you don't you will become permanently unemployable.

Does your wife realize that if she does not cooperate with you in this, she could end up paying you child support and spousal support?

Maybe have a talk with her about how it is in the best interest of her and the children if you take this job and she helps to make it a success.


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## Smilbury (Jul 24, 2013)

Kids are 6 and 2.
Job is about 500 miles away, and if offered, I'd probably have to be there in about 30 days max.

I have talked with an attorney friend who mentioned the support issue, and also that I can do something to take half of her government retirement funds, a QDRO I think it was. I don't really want to hurt her economically because that really only hurts my children in the long run. 

I just feel like I've done everything possible to make things work in our current city, and the time has passed where that's looking like less of a reality and the move is necessary.

Frustrated...


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

There aren't any jobs closer than 500 miles?

That's a long way from your kids if she won't move.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Smilbury said:


> Kids are 6 and 2.
> Job is about 500 miles away, and if offered, I'd probably have to be there in about 30 days max.
> 
> I have talked with an attorney friend who mentioned the support issue, and also that I can do something to take half of her government retirement funds, a QDRO I think it was. I don't really want to hurt her economically because that really only hurts my children in the long run.
> ...


One of the reasons that I'd encourage you to look at the angle of support, retirement and you having joint legal custody and as much physical time with the children as possible (they spend lots of weekends, holidays and at least half the summer with you) is to give your wife a reason to fight for the marriage.

I could be wrong, but I get the impression that she think that you will just leave and her life will be unchanged or she might even get child support from you.

She is probably not thinking that your marriage is going down hill and she could lose a lot if she does not put some real effort into saving it.

What have the two of you done to put things back together?

How old are you by the way? Could you start a business painting home interiors, doing yard work, walking dogs, developing web sites? Look at the services section of Craigslist. I know some people who post services there and are building nice businesses. 

I don't know the line of work you are in. But can you turn it, or other skills, into a business?


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

Smilbury said:


> Kids are 6 and 2.
> Job is about 500 miles away, and if offered, I'd probably have to be there in about 30 days max.
> 
> I have talked with an attorney friend who mentioned the support issue, and also that I can do something to take half of her government retirement funds, a QDRO I think it was. I don't really want to hurt her economically because that really only hurts my children in the long run.
> ...


Just as a side note, QDRO (retirement) won't take effect until the children are grown and she retires, so at this point, it is a non-issue. A portion of her retirement funds will be paid to you. The lifestyle of the children, while minors, will not be effected.

If you are only staying in the marriage for the children, as others have pointed out, you can always have a relationship with them, no matter where you are. You certainly need a job, a source of income, regardless of where you reside. You may come to regret not taking the new position. Your children will grow up and move out, and you will be stuck with your "roommate" (wife).

I realize it's a tough decision to make, but you do need to look out for yourself, get yourself situated, maintain contact with your children and live a healthy lifestyle and that may be without your wife in your future plans.


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## shy_guy (Jan 25, 2012)

It seems like we jumped ahead really quickly in this thread from considering a move to considering taking retirement funds from the spouse. 

You talked about having a "feeling" it was more than the job security, and that's what I zeroed in on. I don't know what is giving you that feeling, but is it possible to have a compromise for a while. I have known of people who maintained a farm in the extreme northeast corner of Oklahoma while the husband worked for several years in Dallas. He went to work during the week, and made it home for the weekends. 500 miles is about an 8 - 9 hour drive, so although it is tough, it is doable. 

I had to work a job where I was on the road a lot for about 5 years. This was a little different as I was often able to take my wife and son with me to very nice destinations, but there were weeks when I went to Ft. Juachuca AZ, or someplace like that, and not surprisingly, nobody wanted to go with me on that. (Of course, I also had some GREAT short-notice trips to places like Auckland NZ where I DESPERATELY wanted to take my family, but things wouldn't work out for me to take them on that short notice). 

What I'm saying is that it's not unheard of to make an arrangement for a time where you work away from home and come home on weekends. Maybe some weeks, you can take them with you - that seems difficult if both of you are working, I know, but sometimes, maybe it can happen. If you're able to establish some stability, and maybe even move up, then maybe there is an opportunity for her there as well, or maybe the two of you are able to transfer together to a third city.

What I'm saying is that it just seemed to go too quickly from difficult to finished in the thread. I don't know the details of the difficulty from your end, though. If I was going just from what I read in the thread, I think I'd be willing to work and fight for my family a little longer before I gave up and started going legal routes. I'm not saying it would be easy, but it is a route to consider ... and you'd be far from the first to do it. These times are difficult, but situations like yours were not that uncommon in difficult financial times before.


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## Smilbury (Jul 24, 2013)

Oh I don't want to take any legal routes if at all necessary. Of course it's easier to fight for something when you have some financial resources to do it! LOL

I visited the attorney strictly because I wanted to know what my options were "should" she go the divorce route were I to relocate. I know she can't prevent me from having a father-children relationship with the kids, not unless I was some kind of monster, which I'm not. I know my dear mother-in-law will use my leaving as opportunity to poison the kids' minds with how I abandoned them, etc., but my oldest already sees through that kind of garbage.

So I told her this morning I was making the call on the out-of-town job, and as expected, the silent treatment. I sometimes wonder if she even cares that we're potentially facing financial ruin, not to mention career ruin for me. I said if I didn't pursue this opportunity, it would be wrong to the family who needs my financial support. Or maybe she was mad that the TV was cut off today because we couldn't afford the bill. I had to choose between the power bill and the cable bill, which was an obvious choice.


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