# I am messed up



## Grey Dad (11 mo ago)

Holy Canoli don't know where to start..
I recently reconnected with a female coworker in a very tight-knit industry.
I work evening shift and she works day shift. 
We started just an emotional relationship talking catching up on the old stuff and pretty soon it moved into kissing and heavy petting.
We almost had sex but I had to put my foot down and say no that is not the boundary I wish to cross.
I tried to real things back and say look let's just be friends but we both have a role to play in this. I had no idea that she had fallen madly in love and had become extremely possessive of our time and my presence.
I am a very busy person with the little bit of time I have with personal projects my son and a little bit of time I spend with my wife and my friends.
At some point she realized we are not spending as much time as she would like together and that in fact I am not going to leave my wife or put my son through this. I realize I have made some mistakes in entering into this as far as I have but now I am at wit's end and do not know what to do to end this amicably. She has become very possessive of our time and now since I have said that I do not wish to leave my wife or have a sexual affair she has gotten very angry. I am at my Wit's end here


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

Playing with fire, you may get burned. I'm afraid she may - if she realizes it's over with you - spill the beans to your wife. perhaps sit her down and talk? Say you understand her feelings, but you want to work it out with your wife. Just be very careful. "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorne" is the old saying.


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## Pip’sJourney (Mar 17, 2021)

Can you change your work? either to never see her(shift change) or location? You need to get way way away from her.


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

Pip’sJourney said:


> Can you change your work? either to never see her(shift change) or location? You need to get way way away from her.


I keep thinking about "Fatal Attraction"


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Grey Dad said:


> Holy Canoli don't know where to start..
> I recently reconnected with a female coworker in a very tight-knit industry.
> I work evening shift and she works day shift.
> We started just an emotional relationship talking catching up on the old stuff and pretty soon it moved into kissing and heavy petting.
> ...


Holy Canoli is right!
You made a terrible bed and now it's time for sleep!

In my opinion, if you want to have the best chance to protect your marriage then you should come clean with your wife.

Your AP sounds unstable which increases the chances it will get back to your wife. Either through this OW or some interested party that she vents too.
Which means... you should get in front of that by confessing.

That's one argument I would make, but the better reason to confess is because it's the right thing to do.
You damaged your marriage in possibly irreconcilable ways. But it's done already.
Talk to your wife.


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> Holy Canoli is right!
> You made a terrible bed and now it's time for sleep!
> 
> In my opinion, if you want to have the best chance to protect your marriage then you should come clean with your wife.
> ...


the longer he waits to fess up, the uglier this will get.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

Grey Dad said:


> Holy Canoli don't know where to start..
> I recently reconnected with a female coworker in a very tight-knit industry.
> I work evening shift and she works day shift.
> We started just an emotional relationship talking catching up on the old stuff and pretty soon it moved into kissing and heavy petting.
> ...


If I were you I would tell my wife everything. It will be hard and she may leave. The chances she will leave if this other woman spills the beans to your wife is even higher and any chance of repairing this will be virtually gone. 

Be brave, show you can act with integrity and that might save your marriage.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Grey Dad said:


> Holy Canoli don't know where to start..
> I recently reconnected with a female coworker in a very tight-knit industry.
> I work evening shift and she works day shift.
> We started just an emotional relationship talking catching up on the old stuff and pretty soon it moved into kissing and heavy petting.
> ...


So you were willing to spend emotional energy and kiss and pet but not sex. Really?

Most women don't think you are leaving your wife unless there is sex. We are an anonymous internet forum you don't need to trickle truth us.

The sad part is reread your whole paragraph. You aren't sorry or remorseful. You are only worried about getting caught or what the other woman might do.

You aren't shocked to find you betrayed your wife. You aren't self-flagellating because you love your wife. You are simple not going to put your son through this.

You are in no place to keep your wife.

You have been given the best advice either way. You have to tell your wife and find a new job. You can threaten her with telling the company about the harassment if you aren't in a supervisory position making your 'friendship' all that more wrong.

If your wife finds out some other way at any time she will feel double the betrayal. The doing it and the hiding it.

I find myself though rooting for your wife to divorce you. So maybe hid it a little and your 'friend' will tell your wife.

If you are really lucky your 'friend' won't do something stupid like tell you wife while shooting her to free you up.

During the 'conversations' did you complain about your wife and how she doesn't understand you? or how you are trapped in your marriage due to your son?

What did these 'conversations' involve that made her get possessive and think you were leaving your wife for this woman you didn't have sex with?


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

You play with fire you suffer the consequences. 

Never should have lowered the boundary of keeping her at bay and starting to kiss her. She feels (and rightfully so) that you all had something going and you slammed on the brakes.

You can block her #, you can change jobs, you can remove all of your social media accounts, but trust me, you're going to be looking over your shoulder 24/7 wondering when this woman is going to rear her head. You have no idea if she'll try to contact your wife. 

Best thing you can do (but you won't do) is get out in front of this and tell your wife what's going on. The truth. So she hears it from you and not this woman.

You're not going to be able to reason with this woman, and unless you tell your wife this woman (and what she may potentially do) will haunt you every day moving forward. 

When it comes to adultery it's not just about having boundaries. Nope. It's about having FIRM boundaries and doing whatever it takes to enforce them. You dropped the ball and now you're in a nightmare that you're clueless on how it will play out. 

Tell.Your.Wife!! 

It will hurt her but you have no idea how much worse this can get.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

I hope your wife leaves you.

You purposely cheated on your wife and only care because your partner is a nut job.

Why do you want to stay with your wife? if you loved her, you really wouldn't have done this. You'd have cut it off.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

i am not going to go all moral values on you. but this is exactly why you do not have affairs at work. when they end, badly, there you are having to work next to this coworker!

i guess you have to somehow try to reason with her. 
hopefully she is not "put the pet bunny into the stew pot" sort of crazy person they do movies about!
Maybe offer to buy her off, send her on a week vacation to the carribean to get you out of her system? Can you hook her up with one of your single co-workers? She sounds love starved!
i would be pleasant, but firm, that things are over.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Anastasia6 said:


> So you were willing to spend emotional energy and kiss and pet but not sex. Really?


i actually understand that.
he was very sexually attracted to her, but something, call it his conscience if you wish, stopped him. he then looked abhorrently at what mess he almost got himself into, and woke the heck up.

hey, it happens. what he does NOW going forward will determine if he is a good husband to his wife, and a good father to his son. I am sure the OP is going to fly right from now on


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

"She has gotten very angry".

The question that should concern you is what she's going to do with that anger??


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Talker67 said:


> i am not going to go all moral values on you. but this is exactly why you do not have affairs at work. when they end, badly, there you are having to work next to this coworker!
> 
> i guess you have to somehow try to reason with her.
> hopefully she is not "put the pet bunny into the stew pot" sort of crazy person they do movies about!
> ...


Buy her off is a terrible idea. You would literally be letting her know she can black mail you and when would it end?
When would you be ok with your wife knowing.

I can tell you are not the type to actually tell your wife. But please don't then step into some trap with the blackmail. 

Also your wife most likely will eventually find out. What will she do or feel when she finds you sent this woman on vacation.

If someone else attracted her attention that might buy you some time. But you think this woman who is obsessed with you hasn't told anyone else?

Where was the kissing and petting? You sure no one else at your work saw? 
Do you live in a very large area? Work far away from home?

Have you checked the girlfriends facebook and instagram. She may have already outed you.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Talker67 said:


> i actually understand that.
> he was very sexually attracted to her, but something, call it his conscience if you wish, stopped him. he then looked abhorrently at what mess he almost got himself into, and woke the heck up.
> 
> hey, it happens. what he does NOW going forward will determine if he is a good husband to his wife, and a good father to his son. I am sure the OP is going to fly right from now on


wrong his actions have already shown he isn't a good husband. I do believe some can be redeemed however does he sound like someone who is looking to be redeemed? No


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

@Grey Dad 
As you can see, you're not going to get much sympathy for wanting to hide the affair, or for having it in the first place.

In every scenario I think the best answer for you is still the best answer when you consider risk to your wife and son.

Every potential solution other than coming clean will carry the risk that AP decides to change her mind and make that call to your wife at some point.
The question for you to answer is what will a future-reveal do to your family as opposed to a now-reveal by you.

The experience on this forum says delaying and wife finding out in some other way is much worse for everyone involved.

A secondary question is what this will do to you while you wait for a future-reveal. Can you live with the 'wondering if she knows'? 'wondering when OW will snap?'

Last, I would ask you to consider your 10yr son. He will find out at some point. How do you want him to see you?


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## marko polo (Jan 26, 2021)

Grey Dad said:


> Holy Canoli don't know where to start..
> I recently reconnected with a female coworker in a very tight-knit industry.
> I work evening shift and she works day shift.
> We started just an emotional relationship talking catching up on the old stuff and pretty soon it moved into kissing and heavy petting.
> ...


Between the two of you who_ moved _the relationship into kissing and heavy petting? From what you have described I would guess your coworker pressed for intimacy.

If it was your coworker pressing for more than just talk I would suggest you suggest you research narcissism. Covert narcissism in particular. See how closely your coworker matches the documented behaviors.

Yes you have made mistakes but you are starting to see more clearly. That is the purpose of love bombing a target. To overwhelm common sense and to addict the target to the emotional high.

She is angry because she didn't get her way. You rejected her and chose your wife and your son. There will be consequences. Your coworker will retaliate.

Keep your distance from your co-worker. Confess to your wife the mistakes you have made. Better she learns it from you than from the other woman. Document any communications between you and your coworker. Texts and email make this easier. Discreetly record any calls whether or not it may be legal. Why take this risk? He said, she said is a game you will lose with your employer and the authorities. Your word alone will not keep you safe. Decide which risk you prefer.

I was in a similar situation 2016-2018. Although we did not work closely together that did not stop my coworker from trying to insert herself into my life. I have no social media presence and we did not share friends in common so she had very little to work with to learn about me, my family, my interests to better target me. I did my best to keep her at a distance especially at work. He said, she said. You unfortunately have gotten much closer to the fire than I did.

Aside from false allegations or malicious rumors your coworker may become violent toward you or your family. My coworker tried to run me over in the company parking lot. It would have looked like an accident. She didn't speed up nor did she slow down. She didn't honk to get my attention. I was distracted and saw the jeopardy at the last moment. Probably would have claimed she didn't see me. Close call nonetheless. Would encourage you to be vigilant and keep your distance from her as best you can.


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## marko polo (Jan 26, 2021)

double post


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

@Grey Dad ,

I'm with the consensus. You need to end this by coming clean with your wife and taking whatever professional measures to get this resolved with your workplace.

Man up and own your mess. It's bad but could have been worse.


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

Don't be a cheater, cheaters are losers and liars.


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

ConanHub said:


> I'm with the consensus. You need to end this by coming clean with your wife and taking whatever professional measures to get this resolved with your workplace.


I'm going to go a different route. Don't tell your wife, it will only hurt her. Just don't do it again!


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

thunderchad said:


> I'm going to go a different route. Don't tell your wife, it will only hurt her. Just don't do it again!


He has to. His girlfriend is going a little psycho and won't go away quietly.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

this sounds like the conversation John F Kennedy and Bobby Kenedy had when Marylin Monroe sang that happy birthday song, with John's wife in the audience!


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## Grey Dad (11 mo ago)

Longtime Hubby said:


> I keep thinking about "Fatal Attraction"


I thought of fatal Attraction as well.
It all started out so innocuously. I have to get up extremely early in the morning to take my son to school because my wife will not take him to school an hour earlier when she goes. So my sleep schedule is get to bed about 1:00 or 1:30 as quickly as I can after work and then get up at 7:30. She would stay awake or wake up to ensure that I would get home by texting me or calling me.
And it just went from there.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Talker67 said:


> i actually understand that.
> he was very sexually attracted to her, but something, call it his conscience if you wish, stopped him. he then looked abhorrently at what mess he almost got himself into, and woke the heck up.
> 
> hey, it happens. what he does NOW going forward will determine if he is a good husband to his wife, and a good father to his son. I am sure the OP is going to fly right from now on


I liked you comment and advice.

One thing I have observed is that some people who have a level of dissatisfaction with their marriage will put themselves in situations to test themself. Sometimes the dissatisfaction is at the subconscious level. Some actually seek such testing of themselves as a form of thrill seeking. I have been smiling at all the comments about playing with fire. I feel that the thrill of playing with taboo fire is an apt description.

My point is that his motivation might not have been he was really sexually attracted to her. His motivation might have been either the thrill of doing something taboo or the thrill of testing himself to find out his true boundaries. Either way he embarked upon a slippery slope that is so often explained as it all started quite innocently and then after I took her to a bar in a hotel and we both had to much to drink, I rented a room for the night, ........and then one thing lead to another....... 

I agree with you that he might not have been cured of his problem by this one episode. I feel sorry for his wife and son.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Ages?


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

thunderchad said:


> I'm going to go a different route. Don't tell your wife, it will only hurt her. Just don't do it again!


Yup, just don't tell, no point really, fix it and be the best husband for your wife, if the crazy girl tried to sabotage, report her for harassment!


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

How employable are you?

Can you get another job quickly?

If so, do so.

Get out of the frying pan.
Get out of the OW's line of fire.

When you are out of sight, you will soon be out of mind.

Maybe...

Take your chances.

Sin, no more.


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

Grey Dad said:


> I thought of fatal Attraction as well.
> It all started out so innocuously. I have to get up extremely early in the morning to take my son to school because my wife will not take him to school an hour earlier when she goes. So my sleep schedule is get to bed about 1:00 or 1:30 as quickly as I can after work and then get up at 7:30. She would stay awake or wake up to ensure that I would get home by texting me or calling me.
> And it just went from there.


Kinda sounds like she had designs on you. And used the calls/texts as a way to establish something.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Grey Dad Your affair partner is angry with you. Why? Because you led her on and you used her and then threw her to one side.

This is all on you because you are married with a child.

Tell your wife. Before your affair partner does.


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## SnowToArmPits (Jan 2, 2016)

You're going to be fine if your wife finds out, and thinks what the hell he did it, and decides to step out on you, right?

Your actions from here on out - if your wife nearly had sex with another man, got very close to him, the other man is threatening and getting possessive... what would you want your wife to do?

Would you want your wife to just keep it all a big secret and hoped everything worked out? Or, maybe tell you about it and eliminate the guy from her life?

You need a lot more empathy for your wife here man. Hope things work out for you.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Grey Dad said:


> I thought of fatal Attraction as well.
> It all started out so innocuously. I have to get up extremely early in the morning to take my son to school because my wife will not take him to school an hour earlier when she goes. So my sleep schedule is get to bed about 1:00 or 1:30 as quickly as I can after work and then get up at 7:30. She would stay awake or wake up to ensure that I would get home by texting me or calling me.
> And it just went from there.


Yep, innocuous. I’m sure it was an accidental genital fondling. 

Can you give us a hint about what you’re looking for here? i.e. Venting about your evil girlfriend and wife, having cheater apologists pat your back while you wallow in victimhood, have people tell you how to escape your horrible choices etc….It would help to know so said groups can give the appropriate advice. 

Seeing the lack of any care whatsoever about your wife and family and what your actions have done to them… well I guess that’s not advice you’re looking for.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

The thing is if you don't tell your wife you are stealing her agency. She deserves to know you had this trouble. She deserve to make the choice to stay or go. In addition many people find this a time to rebuild their marriage and discuss things that aren't strengthening and choose to rebuild.


You current actions show you don't think anything at all about your wife. 

You will most like get caught. It will be worse if you get caught. People talk and that jealous girlfriend will go nuclear when she figures she is truly out of it. she may even hurt your child. But she almost certainly will tell your wife. Since she is telling the wife first and you are the lying hiding guy. Your wife will believe her even if she tells untruths like you had sex a lot. Whoever goes first has the upper hand.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

marko polo said:


> He said, she said is a game you will lose with your employer and the authorities. Your word alone will not keep you safe. Decide which risk you prefer.


This exactly. When working, I watched this playout on two male coworkers, both of whom were fired.

OP, you have a lot to get out in front of at home and at work. H3ll hath no fury…


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Or she could be found floating in a canal with an Iguana basking on her belly.
Just kidding, just a bad joke.

Dude, you royally screwed this one up. For all intended purposes, she might go for the jugular, so start Planning how to get her off your back without problems at work, and start thinking as to what are you going to say to your wife because in all probability, she will be told, with a lot more enhanced versions of what actually happened.
Piss-off, scorned women are brutal, and your average male is not a match to their fury.


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## redmarshall (11 mo ago)

I think you know what you have to do, you have to distance yourself, but there is no question of you being with your wife or son. The question is whether she will let you, you have to come clean to her, and tell her what happened, and that she can make up her mind as to what she wants to do. She would need sometime to think on it and decide and you will have to give her that space. But there is no other way.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

thunderchad said:


> I'm going to go a different route. Don't tell your wife, it will only hurt her. Just don't do it again!


I’m going to go a different route as well - your wife already knows. She hasn’t heard it from you or your girlfriend. Has your wife at all accused you of having an affair? Or at least asked you what’s going on?

you’ve been behaving differently haven’t you, and she’s asked you a few times if everything’s ok. Am I right?

The other issue you have now, is that it never ever looks good when you confess because you’re being caught. Or because you have something to lose. (And I don’t feel that you are being truthful and that you suddenly decided your wife/marriage was important). Something else is going on and you were set to lose something bigger than both women. Was there anything else on the line, reputation, money, your job?

The girlfriend has a right to be very angry too, I understand what’s happened here. She’s got a right to be angry.

What made you suddenly decide to end things with the girlfriend first, and how did she end up so angry? Was she vulnerable? Did you promise her things? Little things, let alone a future?


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## rugswept (May 8, 2019)

She's got big plans. You sound you like don't have big plans.

It's time to wreck your W with the truth. It won't go well .
You should think about working somewhere else to own up to this as ovah. 

The GF is going down hard and this will will likely go very badly from here.


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

Talker67 said:


> this sounds like the conversation John F Kennedy and Bobby Kenedy had when Marylin Monroe sang that happy birthday song, with John's wife in the audience!
> 
> View attachment 83213


Well, Mrs. Wolfman is convinced that the Kennedy brothers ordered Marilyn eliminated and to make it look like a suicide. She saw some sort of sensationalistic speculative innuendo-type show on TV that convinced her.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Luckylucky said:


> ’m going to go a different route as well - your wife already knows.


This is what I always say, a wife KNOWS if her husband is cheating on her. She doesn't need anyone to tell her, the husbands mannerisms, body language, routine betray his infidelity.


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## Grey Dad (11 mo ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> Holy Canoli is right!
> You made a terrible bed and now it's time for sleep!
> 
> In my opinion, if you want to have the best chance to protect your marriage then you should come clean with your wife.
> ...


I have confessed and we have agreed to work on it..
I am scared as the AP has been blocked on three different numbers yet still tries to call. 
By happenstance I have been out of work for four days with a sinus infection.. 
Wife and I have talked a lot during these days.
I am worried the jilted lover will rear her head as she really believes this had a chance. 
I told her and apologized and even accepted full blame to attempt to de escalate this departure.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Grey Dad said:


> I have confessed and we have agreed to work on it..
> I am scared as the AP has been blocked on three different numbers yet still tries to call.
> By happenstance I have been out of work for four days with a sinus infection..
> Wife and I have talked a lot during these days.
> ...


So now that your wife knows the AP has a lot less leverage.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Grey Dad said:


> I have confessed and we have agreed to work on it..
> I am scared as the AP has been blocked on three different numbers yet still tries to call.
> By happenstance I have been out of work for four days with a sinus infection..
> Wife and I have talked a lot during these days.
> ...


Good call. At least now you stand a chance with your wife. I hope you’re really taking care of your wife, reconciliation is a gift. Appreciate what she did for you and don’t screw it up.

As for the crazy lady, now it’s time to protect your family.
Change your phone numbers, if AP escalates harassment get the police involved.

Best of luck to you.

Edit to add: Do you still work with AP?
Get a new job ASAP!
Report AP to HR if she keeps harassing.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Yes and make sure to use this time to strengthen your marriage. Have some open communication. many people use the affair to get better.


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

Just curious, have you given any thought as to why you got into this relationship with the AP in the first place? Was there some need that was not being met. Just wondering as to what may be at the root of the whole issue.


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## bricks (Aug 14, 2017)

Some well deserved tough love in these replies. You are getting a lot of heat for not expressing remorse or concern for the hurt you have potentially caused your wife. I'm hoping that is because you are in the panic stage. You need to:

First - tell you wife. Come clean. Completely clean. Don't try to explain or defend yourself. She is not going to understand or sympathize, nor should she. If you want her to forgive you, you need to express that. You basically have to give her space to process this. Answer her questions. Let her be mad. The I was given is that after an affair is revealed (and this was an affair, penetration or not), a cooling off period is best. Not contact unless necessary out of respect for the partner's need to process, to keep tempers in check, and to keep more hurt from happening.

Next - Firmly and kindly end all contact with the other woman. Don't just ghost her, because that will make her look harder for you (imo). Acknowledge that there was an expectation disparity. Tell her you are not going to accept contact any more. Do not discuss your plans, what you are going to do about your wife or son, nothing. She is no longer in your life. Have a standard answer for her questions such as "That's between me and my wife." Make it short and merciful. 

Start looking for a new job.

Prepare yourself. There WILL be (well earned) consequences. Think about what those could be and how you will handle them to protect your family and show them you are sorry and committed to them. 

I found out about my husband's affair in 2010. It was the worst day of my life, but in retrospect it was the best day of my life. I am still married, but this was the first year I did not feel the need to take that anniversary date to myself. Healing takes time.


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