# Need to know from him he finds me sexy



## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

Me and my H were having a convo earlier about our sex life. He made a jokey comment about how I think about it so often.

That would previously have merited a defensive comment but I injected some lightheartedness and told him smoothly that it was a massive compliment to him as he was obviously so darn good at it 

He said had this been in the past, he wouldn't have believed that someone would think that and wonders why I do sometimes. I said I think he is gorgeous and he is sexy. Which he is. I tell him this a lot, partly because I know he doubts himself at times, and because I guess, well, it is nice to reinforce that yes, I do think he is!

He smiled. There was a pause and I asked, what about me? Yes, shameless fishing but like I say, it is nice to be told and he doesn't really ever say anything like that to me.

He said he thinks the same, he's sorry he doesn't say it more. I then said something that confused him... He called me his beautiful wife, and I explained that to me, beautiful is a lovely thing to say but is "different" to being called "fit" or "sexy" and it would be great to hear that from him also.

It degenerated into an allmost-argument where he said he felt it didn't matter how much he said or did, that it was never enough.

I guess I am asking... If you have a need that you want your spouse to meet, but they are telling you that they feel they do a lot that you ask allready, what do you do? I appreciate all the things he does. This particular issue stems from the drop in frequency with our sex life and has left me wondering how much he still desires me if our drives are getting wider apart.

His counter-"argument" was that of course he thinks I am fit/sexy/hot, he just doesn't think to say it, and that it's like him wanting me to talk dirty in bed, I do it but only when he asks me to and I feel self-conscious doing it.

I actually get what he is saying with that. My issue is that everything seems to turn out with me telling him how great he is. I haven't pointed this out as I don't think he'd even believe me. But his idea of talking dirty is telling him how great he is, how big his manhood is, etc. I am noticing this trend where so much revolves around bolstering his ego. Even his wanderings into the start of an EA a little while ago were self-admittedly aout pumping his ego even though he has allways said I have been great at making him feel good about himself.

I just wanted a little bit of validation. Sorry if it comes off a little disjointed. Thoughts?


----------



## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

this was exactly my story.
my exgf felt just as you do, now she is gone because of it.

i would say dont be so fast to be dismissive of his explanation.

i would CONSTANTLY tell my exgf that i loved her and she was very beautiful.
she also said it wasnt the same.
in my mind it was. that was how i expressed to her verbally that she was very sexy to me. she refused to accept that.
dont be so quick to not think that isnt also how your hubby feels best in telling you.


----------



## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

walkingwounded said:


> I guess I am asking... If you have a need that you want your spouse to meet, but they are telling you that they feel they do a lot that you ask allready, what do you do? I appreciate all the things he does. This particular issue stems from the drop in frequency with our sex life and has left me wondering how much he still desires me if our drives are getting wider apart.


He may be experiencing a change in testosterone, have him checked out. That can account for a drop in libido.

As for the attitude though that I do enough, guess that sort of talk isn't really in me when it comes to affection. If my wife wants more affection that's exactly what she gets, because I love her.

Sounds like he doesn't know how to talk to you the way you want/deserve. Sounds like he needs a change of attitude/heart.


----------



## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

2nd_t!me iz_best said:


> this was exactly my story.
> my exgf felt just as you do, now she is gone because of it.
> 
> i would say dont be so fast to be dismissive of his explanation.
> ...


Of course this is a valid point. I hadn't framed it like that. 

In my mind, it is like this... I can say that Tom Cruise is a handsome man. I can see he is a good looking guy. He sure is easy on the eye. But he does not light my fire. Now Ben Affleck I think is hot. He is sexy. It is different. Does that make sense? It is more expressing a physical desire and craving rather than rating how attractive someone is.

But what you say may be the case. I will ask him.




Browncoat said:


> He may be experiencing a change in testosterone, have him checked out. That can account for a drop in libido.
> 
> As for the attitude though that I do enough, guess that sort of talk isn't really in me when it comes to affection. If my wife wants more affection that's exactly what she gets, because I love her.
> 
> Sounds like he doesn't know how to talk to you the way you want/deserve. Sounds like he needs a change of attitude/heart.


The testosterone issue has been mentioned before when I have posted. He is reluctant to go. He says the wane in his libido is a natural part of being together for so long. That frequency will drop after you are together for a while and that is simply what is happening.

I know I express more ""needs" than him. In that way he probably has a lot to think about. He says after one issue is sorted there is allways something else and that I can't expect anyone to be perfect. I am trying to negotiate a balance here as I don't want him to feel overloaded but I do want to express if I could do with his help in meeting a need. Not sure how to do this.


----------



## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

walkingwounded said:


> Of course this is a valid point. I hadn't framed it like that.
> 
> In my mind, it is like this... I can say that Tom Cruise is a handsome man. I can see he is a good looking guy. He sure is easy on the eye. But he does not light my fire. Now Ben Affleck I think is hot. He is sexy. It is different. Does that make sense? It is more expressing a physical desire and craving rather than rating how attractive someone is.
> 
> But what you say may be the case. I will ask him.


it makes perfectly good sense, but i feel from a womans point of view.

to me, nobody else was beautiful.
i would tell nobody else they were beautiful.
she was the most beautiful and sexiest to me and that was just the way i expressed it to her.
to me, that was what it meant.


----------



## Inside_Looking_Out (Apr 8, 2012)

walkingwounded said:


> I guess I am asking... If you have a need that you want your spouse to meet, but they are telling you that they feel they do a lot that you ask allready, what do you do? I appreciate all the things he does. This particular issue stems from the drop in frequency with our sex life and has left me wondering how much he still desires me if our drives are getting wider apart.
> 
> His counter-"argument" was that of course he thinks I am fit/sexy/hot, he just doesn't think to say it, and that it's like him wanting me to talk dirty in bed, I do it but only when he asks me to and I feel self-conscious doing it.
> 
> ...



My husband and I have been living pretty much the same situation. Married for 17 years, together for 18. He had an EA, with a moment of PA, 6 months ago. We are working on our marriage, but it is still rocky. My complaint throughout the last 5 or 6 years has been that he is not very outward about his lust for me, his sexual need for me. He is very forthcoming with loving, affectionate tokens, but no real 'grrrr'. I need the 'grrrr' dangit!

He has been pretty open to talking since the discovery of his EA. He works on a boat for one month on, one month home. Three months of this process has been while he was away...that can make things sticky, but also gives you a lot of time to analyze. One day it dawned on me...

*We give the other what we wish we were getting.* 

I know it's a lot of W's...but think about it for a second. I wanted my husband's words, verbal (or written) affirmation of his lust and need for me. I would spend countless hours honed in on that need. I would send him sexy emails, say all sorts of things to bolster him up...all because it's what I wanted him to do for ME! When he didn't reciprocate, I would shut down. I had this mental image of how I thought he was react to all of my messages and words, and when the reality didn't live up to my mental image...I became cold, rejected and angry at him. Sure, over the years I tried to explain what I needed, but he just wasn't getting it. 

To cope, I found things that I could do that didn't involve him. I joined a belly dance class, I got involved with non-profits, all sorts of activities where, if I wasn't getting the positive reinforcement I sought from him, I would get it elsewhere. In a way, you could say I was also having an EA...just not with an actual person. Now, what did he want from me? My time, which I was spending away from him now. When he was home, he looked for ways to help me with my various projects, whether participating in the non-profit events, asking me to go on mini-vacations, out to dinner, stay in for the night, etc. I didn't want to spend time with him though, I was tired of being disappointed with his inability to say the things that I found so exhilarating. He was giving me his time though, because that is what he wanted from me.


_You give your spouse what you wish you could get from them_. Both of us were trying, but neither of us were seeing it! 


Is there something that your husband is doing for you? Something that he thinks is a huge token of affection, a sign of his lust for you, that you aren't recognizing or valuing? Maybe it's the dirty talk in bed, or maybe it's something else? Maybe your constant reassurances to him are more about what you need than what he really needs? Is there something that he is requesting from you that he might not be getting?

I know it won't be the same in every case, but once we sat back and looked at it...it just hit home for us.

I wish you a strong heart and patience...goodness knows we can all use it here. I don't pretend to know what we are doing...there is no telling where we are headed. I just wanted to share what we have discovered so far.


----------



## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

walkingwounded said:


> The testosterone issue has been mentioned before when I have posted. He is reluctant to go. He says the wane in his libido is a natural part of being together for so long. That frequency will drop after you are together for a while and that is simply what is happening.
> 
> I know I express more ""needs" than him. In that way he probably has a lot to think about. He says after one issue is sorted there is allways something else and that I can't expect anyone to be perfect. I am trying to negotiate a balance here as I don't want him to feel overloaded but I do want to express if I could do with his help in meeting a need. Not sure how to do this.


Not sure how long you two have been together (or what ages you are), but I'm not sure if it really is normal for a guys libido to drop off like that just because of time. I'm almost 40 and I feel that my libido is about the same as it was when I was 18 (i.e. high).

Does he spend a lot of time actually thinking/digesting when you tell him a need or is he dragging his feet?


----------



## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Sorry, but I can see your husbands point of view. You fish for a complemEnt, he tells you how beautiful you are and it's not good enough! WTF!

I get the feeling that you are a pretty needy person in general. Maybe you should spend soem time working on yourself and the two of you should look at your respective love languages.


----------



## Inside_Looking_Out (Apr 8, 2012)

KanDo said:


> Sorry, but I can see your husbands point of view. You fish for a complemEnt, he tells you how beautiful you are and it's not good enough! WTF!
> 
> I get the feeling that you are a pretty needy person in general. Maybe you should spend soem time working on yourself and the two of you should look at your respective love languages.



Kando, I spent yesterday evening, and into the night, reading your original post and the resulting epic that followed. You are obviously an intelligent, well-spoken person, so maybe you can help to shed some light on this a bit more.

I understand that 'fishing for compliments' makes most men nuts. I can even see why! It can certainly feel like a trap, guilt trip or just in general, needy. What is the best way to convey to your partner that you would like to hear a bit more from him about his feelings for you? Or is this something that should just not be pushed for at all in most men's opinions. There is the point that, 'If it is not freely given, then of what value is it?'

Many times I feel that women fish for compliments completely in the same way that some men have to fish for chances at sex in a relationship...dangling a sentiment in front of the other, hoping it will illicit the desired words. In both cases, the comparison can go even further...yes, it would have been waaay more exciting if it had been freely given, but if you really, really want it and need it, something is better than nothing, right? 

So what is the right way to communicate to your dude that you just really would love to hear 'it' more (whatever that is for each woman)? I can tell you, it svcks when you hear it more from strangers than from your partner/spouse.


----------

