# WW told me not to contact OM wife, but



## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

...I did. Back in May, my WW affair suddenly crashed and burned. The OM ended it and she was heart broken. She asked me not to contact the OM wife anymore because she feared the OM would find out and harass my wife, etc. Anyways, she left to stay with a cousin for a month (verified and true). During that time, that time, a good friend said I needed to talk to the OM wife. To make sure the two waywards don't get connect again. So I did. During the time my WW was gone, I learned from the OM wife that my wife contacted him twice accusing him of hacking her email. Whatever I say. So my wife returns and recently asks, Have you been chatting with ****? I said it's been a long time. Well, the next day my wife uses my laptop while I'm at work and gets on my email to see my chats. She then uses my email to email me and the OM wife that I am a liar and that the two of us can keep chatting for all she cares. I haven't chatted with the OM wife for about a month now. Maybe I should have been more specific? How much am a liar am I? And I feel this accusation is BS. She's trying to turn her affair around to make me the new LIAR. How should I handle this? What should I say? And yes, she still has not mentioned her contact with the OM. But you know what? If I ask her, she'll say "sure I did!" " But I'm not lying because you just asked me". So not saying anything for a couple months about it may not be the true definition of lying, but what is it?? Can you guys tell I'm confused?:scratchhead:


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

You both need to be transparent. That's pretty much it. I volunteered tranparancy to my wife even though im the BS. I would be a hypocrite to not follow the same rules that were set for her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

There is nothing wrong with you contacting the OMW. But hiding it.......see that caused a problem.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

...and you want to be with this woman.... why?
- she didn't end it; he did. 
- she doesn't even show remorse over it?
- she thinks she can define the rues after her A, not have you contact OMW -- and you will abide by that why?
- she didn't abide by NC to OM (assuming you required it and she agreed to it)
- rather than heal you from her affair, she wants to engage in a war of words and tricks to lie?

Oh no, I think not. Sorry, her affair leaves no room for games.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Stop being managed by your WW! 
IDK, but for some reason you felt the need to hid this or at least lighten the impact. So your wife is turning this around b/c your worried about pissing her off and pushing her further away.

The thing is stop letting your wife dictate your boundries. If you need to do something then do it. Face it, she screwed you over and she has lost the right to make requests when it comes to protecting your self from more pain, so screw her.

There should be no reason to hide or lie about what you need to do in validating your wifes actions. Hell, she cheated and now she can face the consequences, so stop making her A convienent and comfortable for her.


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

That's the part I feel guilty. For not telling my WW that I was chatting with the OM wife. At the time, I didn't want to because I felt if I did, then if the affair was still going on that she and the OM would be even more careful. I'm sure if I told my WW this reason, she call me manipulative or something out of the evil book. Also, the night she and I had a long talk and she asked if I had spoken to her she also told me she has made the decision to move back with her cousin to find work. I live in Texas. Her cousin, Minnesota. We have two young kids! WTF? She's been all about "working on herself". Her two month trip to live with her cousin was supposed to be for this reason. She wants to work on the marriage long distance. Via video chat. I said no way. That you can't work on a marriage thousands of miles away and contact through video chat is not "real". It pissed me off. I have scheduled an appointment with our counselor. I feel like telling her that she had 2 months away to discover herself. She had her chance. All she's been doing is taking advantage of my naive kindness and enabling. Not anymore. If she leaves, I will file for divorce.


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## ShootMePlz! (Oct 5, 2008)

She wants to move the kids to another state and keep them there!! She can't legally move the kids. She may say its to work on marriage long distance but check with the state rules on residency. She needs to have the kids in another state for a set period of time so she can claim moving back would be too disruptive to the kids etc!!!

Don't let her take them!!! Get a Lawyer!!!


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

She's moving up there by herself. She said she would fly down once a month to see them...blah, blah, blah. She's not taking them and I sure as hell will not allow it. This part hurts me the most because of how it will effect the kids. Mommy leaving, bailing out on her family. My wife says she is "trying" to work on the marriage and knows what is at stake to lose: house, kids, etc. Is she delusional? How can someone think so irrationally?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Good for you for not taking her crap. SHe created this mess. So she should deal with the consquences. Don't waffle or back down. She messed up, not you.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Wake up, she's leaving you.
She took her two months and she DID discover herself.

She discovered she prefers being without you.

Time to rally the defense plan, because she's taken two months to formulate her own:
Step 1, pave the way to the plan with hubby; get him to agree this is a good idea
Step 2, move home and "find work". 
Step 3, get financially stable, maybe a bf too if she didn't already find one up there to be with, while pretending to work on the marriage via video chat for 30-60 minutes a day??? is she for real??). She's proven how trustworthy she is...
Step 4, file for divorce... alimony? and fight for custody? (maybe noit if she's willing to go live without the kids already) 

Yikes.


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

Is replying that it's been a long time since I chatted her a legit answer when it's been about 4 weeks? I guess it's matter of perspective, right? She's calling me a liar on this. I feel like I didn't lie.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Houstondad said:


> Is replying that it's been a long time since I chatted her a legit answer when it's been about 4 weeks? I guess it's matter of perspective, right? She's calling me a liar on this. I feel like I didn't lie.


You're really missing the point. You're still engaging in a war of words and semantics with her, not addressing the real issue*s* at hand!!!!!


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

2xloser said:


> You're really missing the point. You're still engaging in a war of words and semantics with her, not addressing the real issue*s* at hand!!!!!


Well crap. You're saying she just took advantage of something and created a diversion from the real issues.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Yes. That's exactly what's happening. Her behavior on this is textbook. It's called blame aversion. And it seems to have worked on you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

So how do I approach this? We haven't discussed it yet. Should I wait till we see our counselor on Monday to discuss along with the REAL issues?


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Like I said above, it seems to me she's leaving you, making plans, and you're in denial while still trying to figure out if you said the exact right words explaining about when your chat session was with the WIFE OF THE MAN SHE HAD AN AFFAIR WITH...


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

I'm really sorry. I don't think there is much to be confused about. really, and with all due respect.... Open your eyes.

maybe this confusion is just you mentally dancing around, playing her game willingly and doing anything you can not to accept what is happening...


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

Well what are you doing about discussing her moving to Minnesota?

I would shut down anything about semantics. It's stupid and a distraction. If she keeps you spinning and on the defensive about the relative definitions of "4 weeks" vs. "a long time" then it gives you less time to marshall your defenses against her real plan to leave you and the kids.

If she brings it up, I'd say exactly that. "I'm not going to keep arguing the difference between "4 weeks" and "a long time" with you. If it's that important to you, we can bring it up in counseling on Monday." But I'd drill it down to just that--not who is lying to who and when they did it--because that's not any part of that discussion really. It boils down to her definition versus yours and her grasping at straws to keep you off balance so that you don't have a counter to whatever plan she proposes about moving.

So forget that argument. Don't get sucked in. Instead, use the time between now and your appointment to decide what you will and won't accept going forward. If she goes, is that a dealbreaker? If she stays, what has to happen? Those are the things she's really trying to call the shots on....so have a calm and solid plan to counter with.

Be smart for the long haul, not "right" in the moment.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Houstondad said:


> So how do I approach this? We haven't discussed it yet. Should I wait till we see our counselor on Monday to discuss along with the REAL issues?


I think it depends on what you actually want...
...seems to me you've already decided your forgive her for her affair but haven't addressed with her why she had her affair in the first place, and she doesn't care whether you do or don't forgive her.

Personally, I'd throw her ass out. Assuming that's not what you want, I'd still take the weekend to read up on the 180 and Manning Up, and make yourself a plan for how you stop being a doormat for her, and how you subsequently will handle her not really doing what you want to work on the marriage (ie, she's going to minnesota)....because imho you're going to need it.

I'd then use the MC session to take charge and put it all on the table, directly right from the outset: "Does she want this to work or not?" If yes, she needs to stay. Moving to minnesota is a flat-out deal-breaker for you. She will say she won't respond to your controlling ultimatums (tough, that's how it is given your affair and actions - take it or leave it), or deflect how she needs her 'space' (she had her space for 2 months, you're no longer going to be in the situation and remain married), OR she will give lip service to "giving it a try", to which you then need full commitment, transparency (to all her electronics), and total truth. New day, new rules, no more doormat. Say it, mean it. and live it.

But that's me -- you've gotta do what is right for you. If you want to continue living as that doormat then beg her to stay, promise to change for her and let her go live in minnesota and do as she wants, and adjust to her wishes, it's your life.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

COGypsy said:


> Well what are you doing about discussing her moving to Minnesota?
> 
> I would shut down anything about semantics. It's stupid and a distraction. If she keeps you spinning and on the defensive about the relative definitions of "4 weeks" vs. "a long time" then it gives you less time to marshall your defenses against her real plan to leave you and the kids.
> 
> ...


Wow I'd say our posts are about as close to identical as can be... at least the advice is consistent!


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Your mge has major cracks in it---they get wider and longer day by day

Do you enjoy living in misery---do you enjoy days of nothing but fighting, vile thoughts, and whatever else you are putting yourself thru

Is this how you wanna spend the rest of your life----

You know what you need to do----you don't need any counseling, and your kids will be fine once they adjust to split homes, there are thousands, and thousands out there.

You only go thru life one time on this planet---and so far all I have heard from you, and see from your posts is misery, unhappiness, lack of trust in everything---I am not sure you even wanna be with yourself-----you know what needs to be done to put a stop to it all, stop living this horrible existence, get your D., and start a new life w/out all this misery, and drama


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

2xloser said:


> Wow I'd say our posts are about as close to identical as can be... at least the advice is consistent!


Great minds... :toast:


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

I agree with most of what has been suggested (exception is counseling for me). Anyways, I am going to focus on my plan for Monday and not my wife's accusations of me lying. By the way, tonight she was in a strangely upbeat mood being friendly, nice and giving a quick caress to my shoulders and again on my knee. WTF? Is this manipulation or possibly bi-polar or some other mental condition?!?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

It's called guilt.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

that_girl said:


> It's called guilt.


I love those insights.



It may also be that she thinks she’s gone way too far, pushed you way too far. Such that you’ll file for divorce, custody etc. before she’s made up her mind what she wants to do. So it may be her actions are designed to keep you on her leash. If so it is exceedingly manipulative.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Let her know the day she leaves you file for divorce. You know you can always stop the process. She will be abandoning the kids and will look really bad if it comes to a custody fight. 

Every time she accuses you of something, lying for example, be sure to bring up the fact that she is the one who committed adultery not you. Also use the word adultery it sounds much worse than cheating and has much more effect.

Keep in contact with OMW so you can keep an eye on OM and let your wife know your doing it and why. 

Good luck to you and your family. Most importantly keep praying.

Good luck to you and your family


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

that_girl said:


> It's called guilt.


Its called manipulation and a lack of accountability.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

AFEH said:


> I love those insights.
> 
> 
> 
> It may also be that she thinks she’s gone way too far, pushed you way too far. Such that you’ll file for divorce, custody etc. before she’s made up her mind what she wants to do. So it may be her actions are designed to keep you on her leash. If so it is exceedingly manipulative.


That's exactly my feeling too. And I won't ask because I don't think she'll be honest with me. I know I should ask, but I don't see how it will accomplish anything but make her defensive. Anyways, I didn't react or reciprocate the touchy feely stuff because I'm pissed and she knows it.


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

And...thanks everyone. It sucks being in LIMBO. I've been dealing with this since D-day back in October. Getting advice from a good intentioned, but enabling advice giving father-in law (he wants to make everyone happy). I learned my wife's mother pulled similar **** too. She never committed adultery, but was a depressed, possibly bi-polar woman who would leave off and on. Also found out my wife has always been the one to end her relationships in the past. This OM ended it when she didn't. Also, my brother in law (who is PISSED at her) said she has usually been the "alpha" or one in control of her relationships. Looking at our marriage, it very well is true, yet it's more on the subtle side (or passive-aggressive?). Anyways, interesting family history that probably has some affect on this.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

There is no greater hell than LIMBO.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

"FOO---has some effect"---many times FOO makes a person the way they are

I promise you, your kids right now are reacting to what is going on in your own household

That's why you do need to make decisions

Your wife left for a month---they see abandonment---she comes back and leaves again it re-affirms abandonment

They see the misery and unhappiness, and you can try to hide it---but you can't it comes out in lots of ways, and the kids read every little bit of it


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

HoustinDad - this thread started with your cheating wife being angry you continued to check up with the OMW. Why are you even having this argument with her. When she cheated she lost all rights to having a say on how you check up on her. 

She's acting like YOU are the one who cheated and ran. Like you are to blame, and in the wrong. And the worst part is you're accepting this dynamic in your relationship. You actually feel guilty for not telling her you have chatted casually with the OMW.

In her world it seems like she cheats and it's your fault. She cheats and you have to make amends. She cheats and you need to open up and give her full transparency.

Does that sound right? Would it sound right if a bank robber after getting caught expects the bank to give him the money still? Does it sounds right that the bank should feel guilty for calling the cops?

It really doesn't sound like your wife is getting the fact that what she did is wrong and that what she continues to do is wrong.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

I would sit her down and if she wants to leave the marriage let her, but without the kids and the financial support......
Let her really feel the brunt of her decisions, she is deflecting what is really going on with her life, there is someone else there in the wings waiting for her .........she has lied and not given you any reason to believe that things will work out, she is saying just enough to calm you so the transition for her will be easier..........
Protect yourself and your children and let her fend for herself.....show her you will move on without her........
If she comes to her senses then you could have something to work on but until she shows that is what she wants protect yourself
let her go but without all that she has known......


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Definitely cut off all financial resources - empty accounts and start neew ones in your name. CLose all credit cards and joint online accounts. Contact Experien, Trans Union and Equifaxand put a fraud alert on your account stating your separated and no new credit is to be issued jpoint without you specific approval. Separate car loand and even the mortgage if you can. Contact an attorney and be ready with a negotiated settlement divorce if she leaves. THEN she will ber certain your serious.


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