# Loneliness in driving me back!



## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

H and I have been separated since August. I left the family home and rented a condo 3 blocks away. We share time with dd, I get slightly more time which he resents. Son and son's gf live at the family home full time. So h is never 'all alone'

When dd is with me (she is young teen), we are quite content and happy. When she is there I am devastatingly lonely. Yes I have friends, yes I have joined clubs, yes I work. 

H and I have made some progress. Though real changes have been slow. We did an 7 weekend Christian MC program which involved traveling 2 hours to attend a program. Now he thinks that we are all fixed. The program was heavy on forgiveness and leaving the past behind. Which I get. His 3 year EA/PA knocked the stuffing out of me. But now if I dare mention it I am being a bad Christian. BUT it's hard not to mention it at times. He gets all mopey and says he can't live without me, and can't understand why his family is apart for Christmas. Well if we can't bring up the past then how do we discuss why we are apart? It's a Catch 22 He texts me all the time that he can't cope etc. Of course he does this when I have dd. When he has I don't hear nearly as much from him. 

I hate to return due to abject loneliness. I have no idea when to return. It seems the same issues come up all the time. I am not supposed to talk about the past, though how can we understand why we are apart if I can never mention his A and all the hurt it caused.

Also this spring before I left there was a lot of verbal abuse. He raved at me constantly that I wanted him dead and would be happy if he was in the grave. Really crazy stuff. He has since gotten off the sedatives that he said were causing his outbursts. He had a heart attack 4 years ago.

Help.


----------



## jdlash (Jun 18, 2012)

He had an EA/PA and yet your not allowed to bring it up? I would say that he needs live up to his mistake. Part of that would be letting you discuss it if you want. If your forced to hide your feelings it will never work long term anyway.


----------



## confused777 (Nov 21, 2012)

I'm sorry that you're so lonely, I'm new to all this too and I know the feeling all too well now.

Your husband sounds arrogant and selfish. You might be able to forgive what he did but that doesn't mean you have healed from the injury it caused you. There is a difference, and he is confusing the two when he expects you to act like it never happened.

My stbxh is also using guilt to get help from me when he needs it, and yet he said he'll have more opportunities without me (grass is greener). If I could give you advice I would say that you should protect your interests first. I only wish I could implement that same advice in my own life.


----------



## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Sounds like he's mastered the guilt trip and really knows how to dish out the verbal and emotional abuse. If you go back to that you are crazy. Stay the course and keep yourself busy.

You need to give it more time. The loneliness will pass, though I have to say that I'm puzzled that you'd prefer him over being alone. I'd think you'd be relieved to be rid of him. That's how it was for me. Even though I have been lonely on and off in the past 2 years I never missed living with my husband. IMO, it's better to be alone than be with someone who makes you miserable.

BTW, you don't leave the past behind..You LEARN from it and avoid making the same mistakes again. I don't know if forgiveness means turning a blind eye toward all the ways you've been abused and treated badly but that doesn't sound like a workable solution. It sounds like your H is all about using "forgiveness" as a way to control and berate you. Don't fall for that crap.


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Freak On a Leash said:


> Sounds like he's mastered the guilt trip and really knows how to dish out the verbal and emotional abuse. If you go back to that you are crazy. Stay the course and keep yourself busy.
> 
> You need to give it more time. The loneliness will pass, though I have to say that I'm puzzled that you'd prefer him over being alone. I'd think you'd be relieved to be rid of him. That's how it was for me. Even though I have been lonely on and off in the past 2 years I never missed living with my husband. IMO, it's better to be alone than be with someone who makes you miserable.
> 
> BTW, you don't leave the pass behind..You LEARN from it and avoid making the same mistakes again. I don't know if forgiveness means turning a blind eye toward all the ways you've been abused and treated badly but that doesn't sound like a workable solution. It sounds like your H is all about using "forgiveness" as a way to control and berate you. Don't fall for that crap.


You only learn from the past if you get right with yourself.


----------



## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

indiecat said:


> Well if we can't bring up the past then how do we discuss why we are apart? It's a Catch 22 He texts me all the time that he can't cope etc.


It really doesn't seem that complicated, he either agrees to discuss the details of the affair or you don't come back, end of discussion. Make it that clear to him.

"Forgiveness and leaving the past behind", is fine, but you need to know exactly* what the past is before you can leave the past behind*, because unless you know what it is, it isn't _"the past"_, it's *THE UNKNOWN*.

Don't let him use religion against you.

T


----------



## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

Thanks all! It means so much to me to have someone listen.

I miss my kids, plain and simple. I miss being the 'mom' of the house and looking after my kids. It's guilt.

But when I left this August it was because those same kids were suffering from the tension.

I went to the house today, it's my weekend with my dd but we went to decorate the tree. We stayed a few hours and I had a nice chat with our son. 

As soon as dd and I got back to the condo h phoned. He told our daughter that he had nothing to do but sit and stare at the wall. 
She suggested he watch tv, he said there was nothing on.

God I wish I had been able to kick him out of the family home.


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Tony55 said:


> It really doesn't seem that complicated, he either agrees to discuss the details of the affair or you don't come back, end of discussion. Make it that clear to him.
> 
> "Forgiveness and leaving the past behind", is fine, but you need to know exactly* what the past is before you can leave the past behind*, because unless you know what it is, it isn't _"the past"_, it's *THE UNKNOWN*.
> 
> ...


It's called rugsweeping


----------



## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

We have discussed the affair. I think I know all I want to know about it. The problem arises when he will say things like 'I can't understand why we aren't together?', or he tells our dd that it's dumb that we are living apart. Like he has no clue as to what lead to this all.
I don't go into details about the A, but I will say 'it's the choices you made that led us to this place'. That makes him upset. Because I am referring to the past. I am bad because I can't let it go. Or so I'm told. 

When he says to our daughter that Christmas just won't be the same this year, or tells her that he is just sitting and staring at the walls and has nothing to do when we aren't there. 

He thinks that the religious MC proved that we have to move on from the past. I agree, but am so damn confused.

I'll probably return just because I can't bear to be without my kids full time. I'll just suck it up. Maybe when dd is done high school I'll have the guts to end it.


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Are you ok with that?

If you are not.

Tell him.

Cool

firm

Dispassionate


----------



## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

indiecat said:


> We have discussed the affair. I think I know all I want to know about it. The problem arises when he will say things like 'I can't understand why we aren't together?', or he tells our dd that it's dumb that we are living apart. Like he has no clue as to what lead to this all.
> I don't go into details about the A, but I will say 'it's the choices you made that led us to this place'. That makes him upset. Because I am referring to the past. I am bad because I can't let it go. Or so I'm told.
> 
> When he says to our daughter that Christmas just won't be the same this year, or tells her that he is just sitting and staring at the walls and has nothing to do when we aren't there.
> ...


So *he* cannot deal with what he has done.

Which means you must 'suck it up' and live a life of misery?

The things he says to your daughter are sad and manipulative.

He's not much of a man is he.


----------



## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

No, he's not. He's a child in a man's body. And sadly I didn't bail years ago. After his A I had the perfect chance, he left the home, and stupidly I let him back. Now I am the one who left and feel like a **** mother for doing so. My life is so f#*&d, 
We are going to MC once again, I won't return until we go and it gets all laid out on the line. I know he would do anything for me and the kids. But he's so damn childish and manipulative.

I'll be honest, being alone and then just having my dd for company is doing my head in. I don't think humans are built to be alone, at least this one isn't.
I picked a loser and now we are all paying for it. Damn.


----------



## dadda11o (Jan 6, 2011)

Indiecat, you didn't "pick a loser" intentionally. I have the same feelings and beat myself up about the effects it's had. In other words, I'm (trying to) shouldering all the blame and responsibility. And even if they try to shove it onto you, it doesn't work that way any more than a marriage can with one person trying to do all the work. I was naive; my parents were divorced and I saw this sort of geeky but seemingly nice guy who seemed to treat me well and his parents and siblings were all married and seemingly "together". He was working, he got along great with nieces and nephews and had friends. He didn't drink or smoke or use drugs. 

But I too got a "child in a man's body"; in fact after our 1st divorce he wanted me to come back and wrote in there how his parents never "cut his apron strings". I refused, because it was a little late and no changes ... so it was an endless nightmare of Court and him wanting me back and him hating me and "submit". We live next door to his mother and in fact, he's lived there 2 years now since I learned of his affair. When I tried talking to his mother about his spiritual health, what our children were going through and etc., all she had to say was that I would be an adulteress if I got involved with someone else. Read your Bible and you'll get the whole scoop. There's a lot of fake "christians" out there; I can't believe how many of them were telling me "he should be happy" (at the cost of me and our two daughters and the example of relationship he is setting? Please!). Just whatever you decide, remember not to go by his outward actions. I sort of regret not having stashed something in an emergency fund. And even when people make a sincere effort to change, that's often the first thing to fall by the wayside. 

And being alone is sort of hard at times, but I found myself having a happy day the other week, underneath all the worries. And I have heard that people who can enjoy their own company and interests, not seeking for someone, are actually more desirable. Since I don't think too many are searching for a financially devastated ex-lunatic (courtesy mostly of him) with a sense of humor and many nifty little skills, I'm looking at being in it for the long haul. But I used to feel like what you are describing, so maybe you just have to get through some time and deal with some of the stuff in your heart and head.


----------



## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

dAddo do you live with him then?

What do you mean not to go by his outward actions?

thanx


----------

