# I'm a confused mess...



## Bean05 (Apr 23, 2013)

Ok, where to start... I have a feeling this will be long. I have been married to my husband for 8 years, together for 15. We met when I was 14 years old, so he was my first and only. We had a son 2 years ago. Relationship has always been rocky. I feel like I was being a mother figure to him rather than a wife. I finally got sick of his lies and immaturity and moved out. We were separated for 9 months. I moved back home about 3 months ago and things are just ... weird now. During our separation, I got involved with someone else (which, yes...I know was not the right thing to do) who made me happy in all the ways my husband didn't. We got along well, our kids got along, we have SO much in common...but the closer we got the more scared I got because I knew I was moving on and it scared me to death to think about things being officialy 'over' between my husband and I. My husband did not make much of an effort to make any positive changes while I was gone, but presented me with an ultimatum one day that I either move back home by the end of the week, or he was filing for divorce. I was REALLY on the verge of telling him to just file, but I felt that I needed to go home for my son and the fact that I was freaking out. But now that I'm back, all I do is think about the other man that I got VERY close to over the past several months. This other man says he loves me very much and has been patiently waiting for me to figure things out for the last few months and still wants to start a life with me. I do have very strong feelings for him (love? ...i honestly don't even know what that is anymore) and could see us being great together, but I have non idea what to do now because my husband is making an honest effort, which I feel I don't appreciate. Is it too little too late? Or am I not giving him a chance because of this other man? And it's not like this would be a second chance for my husband, it would probably be his 100th. We've fought over the same issue for SO long... I'm afraid to give up this other man to just be disappointed by my husband again...even tho I think I still love my husband, just not in love anymore.


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## LoveAtDaisys (Jul 3, 2013)

Wait...I want to make sure I got this right.

You two met when you were 14...and he was your only...so you are now 29? You two got married at 21?

If you've never experienced anything else, and you two have been close since you were a young teen, it makes sense this other man seems better. He's new and different and exciting. But new and exciting aren't necessarily better (and the fact he was okay with being with a married woman, even if you were separated at the time, does not speak well to his moral fiber).

Have you seen a provider about your feelings of disappointment? Your body changes a lot with childbirth, including your mind. Is it possible that you ended up struggling with post-partum issues?

Also, you don't mention, but are you two doing any sort of couples' counseling or marriage counseling? It sounds like you both have a LOT of things to discuss and work on.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

All of the above. ^

If you decide to leave, do NOT leave for this other man. He has plenty of faults, too - we all do. So daydreaming about the "perfect" man is a waste of time. You would be using him to ease the transition.

I suggest you tell the other guy you are going to work on your marriage and then ask your husband to go to marriage counseling.

You aided in the mothering so the relationship dynamics were partially of your making. Your expectations have changed. Marriage counseling will help you two communicate your needs. If you are both willing, it could become a wonderful renewal.


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## Bean05 (Apr 23, 2013)

Yes, that's right. We met my freshman year of high school. Stayed together through a ton of problems. Ended up getting an apartment together and have just been together ever since. I have put up with a lot out of him that I don't think a lot of women would tolerate. We've been through just about every problem you can think of... One of our biggest problems is his drug/alcohol use. He always told me he would stop smoking pot, but continues to do it to this day. Also, he drinks a lot. There have been times he would come drunk as all get out (and yes, he DROVE that way) and throw up in the hall and on the toilet...didn't get the lid open in time. I HATE putting up with this kind of stuff...especially out of a 31 year old man. And we've fought about these things constantly over the years. That's part of the 'not growing up' I was talking about. We also just don't have anything in common anymore... But to answer the question, we did try marriage counseling before we separated last year but he didn't do the 'homework' the counselor gave us so we didn't bother going back.. During out separation, I went to two different counselors for individual counseling.


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## Bean05 (Apr 23, 2013)

And yes, I agree...I do not want to leave my husband for another man. I know they say that you don't 'accidentally' have an affair, but that's honestly kind of how it happened. I was separated at the time, but I know it wasn't right because I wasn't divorced yet. But yes, I know he has his faults too..I've already come face to face with some of them. But we just click like my husband and I NEVER have... I have always felt like there was something missing between us and having to play mommy to him just killed the feelings even more.


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## Bean05 (Apr 23, 2013)

Sorry I keep replying, I just keep thinking of things to say lol. I honestly don't think it was a post partum issue. My son was already a year old when we separated. I honestly think that I just got so tired of the lies and taking care of a child made me realize just how much he wasn't helping me and how much I was taking care of him instead of us having a relationship team where we both participate. Like I said, the problems we separated over have been lingering for a very long time. We have separated two other times in the past but never for as long as we did this last time.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

To be brutally honest both men sound weak to me. I can't imagine allowing my women to go off with another man and then wait patiently for her to choose. If either of them had any self esteem they wouldn't stand for your indecision.

My personal opinion is you need to get out on your own for a while. Get to know who you are and what you want in life. Only then will you be in a position to choose a man you want to share your life with.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You say that your husband is making an honest effort, yet continues to use drugs on a daily basis? What exactly is it that he IS doing? It sounds like you only went back because HE is what you are familiar with, not because you actually wanted to be with him. End things for yourself, because you dont actually want to be with him, not because you found someone else.


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## Bean05 (Apr 23, 2013)

I don't think he is using drugs anymore, but it's so hard for me to believe him because there have been SO many times in the past where he's told me that and it's turned out to be a lie. But he has been helping out aroudn the house more. It would bother me that he would get home from work and go straight out to the garage and stay there until 2 or 3am EVERY night, and he hasn't been doing that anymore. He's been around and playing with our son more.. I just still don't feel that connection with him. He's just sort of pesimistic.. He's only happy on Saturday and Sunday (sounds dumb, I know..), he still drinks a lot. I just feel like we've grown apart but I still love him.


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## LoveAtDaisys (Jul 3, 2013)

Are you willing to wait around this time if he really did quit the drugs? I'm not even going to mention the alcohol, that's a separate addiction.

Recovery from addiction/dependance issues is a long, hard road, and a process that, although it gets easier over time, never ends.

I don't ask this to judge you. This is an honest question. You're looking at probably another couple of years of relapses, backtracks, withdrawal symptoms...and that can be hard to deal with even when both parties are on board and actively trying to get better.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

Bumping this based on OP's posting at another thread.

Bean: You said there that you have divorce papers in hand but can't bring yourself to sign. You also imply that you are still in a relationship with the other man. True? Can you update events since your last post here?


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## Bean05 (Apr 23, 2013)

I feel like the last 2 years of my life have been an emotional rollercoster. My husband and I tried to make things work. I moved back home in the spring but found him going through my purse and phone in the middle of the night and I'm almost positive he installed another keylogger on my computer. Also, the same old problems kept creeping up. We have nothing in common and just don't have a 'connection' like I see in a lot of other relationships. I'm not trying to compare my relationship to anyone else, but you can tell when two people connect and when they dont.

I was never really able to get Other Man out of my thoughts either and I know that played a huge part in my second separation from my husband (he left this time, I left the first time). I felt like the only reason we were trying to make things work was out of obligation. But then when I think about signing divorce papers, it scares the hell out of me. And I"m sure that's because my relationship to my husband has been the only thing I've ever really known...

Part of me misses the good times my husband and I have had over the years. But then I remember that those good time stopped long before our first separation. I think that I miss the 'idea' of my marriage more than the actuall marriage. My husband isn't a bad guy. It has just taken him a very long time to grow up and we have both changed over the years. 

I am still talking to Other Man. I can't even begin to tell you how this makes me feel. He knows me better than ANYONE I've ever met, but it carries so much guilt that I don't know that anyting positive could ever come of it.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Bean05 said:


> Part of me misses the good times my husband and I have had over the years. But then I remember that those good time stopped long before our first separation. *I think that I miss the 'idea' of my marriage more than the actuall marriage.* My husband isn't a bad guy. It has just taken him a very long time to grow up and we have both changed over the years.


This is SPOT ON, your IDEA of marriage is what you keep clinging to, it is no where close to your reality. 



Bean05 said:


> *
> I am still talking to Other Man.* I can't even begin to tell you how this makes me feel. He knows me better than ANYONE I've ever met, but it carries so much guilt that I don't know that anyting positive could ever come of it.


And THIS is further proof that you need to end this marriage. You are not putting the effort into it that it requires if you keep talking to him. I cant say I blame you for not wanting to put forth the effort, but keeping in touch with the OM isnt acceptable behavior. So do yourself a favor and pull the trigger on the "marriage" finally.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

Bean05 said:


> I feel like the last 2 years of my life have been an emotional rollercoster. My husband and I tried to make things work. I moved back home in the spring but found him going through my purse and phone in the middle of the night and I'm almost positive he installed another keylogger on my computer. Also, the same old problems kept creeping up. We have nothing in common and just don't have a 'connection' like I see in a lot of other relationships. I'm not trying to compare my relationship to anyone else, but you can tell when two people connect and when they dont.
> 
> I was never really able to get Other Man out of my thoughts either and I know that played a huge part in my second separation from my husband (he left this time, I left the first time). I felt like the only reason we were trying to make things work was out of obligation. But then when I think about signing divorce papers, it scares the hell out of me. And I"m sure that's because my relationship to my husband has been the only thing I've ever really known...
> 
> ...


Maybe the guilt comes from the fact that your attempts at reconciliation never had a chance because you never broke contact with OM. Sounds like water under the bridge, now, though. Probably best at this point to sign the papers and move on.


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