# need reassurance



## mollymalone (May 1, 2008)

hi, hope someone can help me get my perspective back!

have been married for 14yrs.both of us married before and we both felt we were very happy ,had the usual family probs,children being ill,family members very ill,but we got through it all.
until last year..
my husband had to work away from home,for nearly the last 2 yrs on and off.he shared a house with other men but last year found out a single recently divorced lady rented one of the rooms,she was friends with my husband's work mate.she had been there only one week, she was looking for work and my husband helped her with her cv, all the men went out in the evening including this woman.
i stumbled across a text on his phone when he was home for weekend and it was saying basically what she wanted to do to him sexually.i went crazy, he says nothing happened, but that week she was there they "hit it off" and they had been flirting via text during the week.
the sex text i found on his phone he said they sent back and forth to each other when he had too much to drink.when he woke up next morning he was filled with remorse and told the woman so and deleted everything including her number but forgot to get rid of text.

my husband since that point has fallen over backwards to help me and says he wishes he could turn the clock back.strangely we both feel more in love now than ever, and both realise the reasons he did what he did.i thought in time i could get over it.

that was until i found out that he and his secretary around the same time as all the above was going on,were texting as "just friends" always to do with work apparently,but he chose to keep it secret from me as he thought i would leave there and then.

i feel like a total idiot. some days i want to leave, and feel overwhelmed by sadness,then other days i think i won't throw the towel in we have 3 older kids.one who has special needs and needs us both.

my husband is now the most attentive, caring,loving and remorseful person and he too sometimes feels suicidal because of the way he behaved.he said nothing sexual actually ever happened and i now do believe that.

i just want to know do the really sad feelings ever go away?it's been nearly a year and i still thinkabout it everyday.
sorry if post is long winded.
any help/thoughts appreciated.


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## sweetp101 (Mar 13, 2008)

What you are feeling will pass as long as you are willing to work on your marriage. It may take awhile because you may feel as if you can not trust him. It sounds to me as if he is doing everything in his power to show how remorseful he is. Try individual and couples counseling to help you resolve the feelings you are having.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

People sometimes do the dumbest things thinking it is innocent enough. Have you asked for him to give you his phone records they keep track of all of his texts even those deleted from the phone.

If you full trust him then I think you need to move to the next step and find out what would make him do such a thing, what he felt was lacking from the marriage.

Besides that time can heal all wounds but only if you let it.

draconis


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Molly

Take heart. I agree with the above posts. And yes those feelings will get better with time. A year is a long time as I know all too well but trust can come back. Take the advice given above and move forward together. You'll both feel better in the end. Have faith and good luck.


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## carmaenforcer (Mar 7, 2008)

Hi *mollymalone*, 
It is ok for you to stay with your husband and it is possible to be happy after your spouse has violated your trust in you. It is also ok and absolutely normal for you to not trust the way you did before. 

I am also a survivor of cheating and have coped with the natural insecurities and doubts people experience as a result by tightening the boundaries in our marriage. 
I have my Wife under a microscope most of the time and don't put up with any stuff from her. There is peace only when she wants it and when she steps out of line, starts bending or just ignoring the rules, I fire off a warning shot before doing something myself.
My Wife has nicknamed me "Mr. Fairness" because of my Military like resolve in my convictions. She tries to rebel every now and then but has become weary of my responses, I've become a bit of a prick and apparently I'm good at it. A regretful fact for me, for I am a nice guy at heart. This is apparently unavoidable when living with a person like my Wife, who seems a lot like your husband in their inability to control the way they act with their coworkers or friends of the opposite sex.

Do not worry though, Your husband obviously cares enough to at least try to make things work, quick to want to listen to you.
I had to condition my Wife to care about my feelings, you seem to have someone that already knows how, but just slipped for whatever reason.

Addressing the reason(s) for your husbands behavior is important, counseling might not be a bad idea, unless you have an open and honest dialog with your husband already.

Do you think there might have been anything that you did, or didn't do to make him feel like he needed to do what he hid?

Be honest with yourself in assessing the issues in your marriage.
You can get what you need out of it and still be sensitive to what he needs, this will avoid future resentment.

It sounds to me like you have things pretty much under control, although I would have a talk with him about his female friends/coworkers and his interactions with them, text or otherwise. 

I wish you luck, strength and wisdom in your relationships future.


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## mollymalone (May 1, 2008)

thankyou everyone for your replies.it's very hard when you can't tell anyone!

both of us went to counselling together.i knew that because my husband worked away we had both become very "efficient" at coping on our own and didn't think we needed each other and we both assumed our marriage was rock solid.
amazing how things can turn around so quickly!it frightened both of us, in a way it was a big wake up call and we both decided we wanted to grow old together and fight for our marriage.it's just that sometimes i relive it all and get so sad and he feels this instinctively and he worries i won't be there when he comes home at night. i have open access to his phone, laptop for work etc, he has always had a very flirty personality and i have always been insecure about this as i told him some women who don't really know him,think that he is interested in them when he isn't.he has tried to change how he interacts with the opposite sex, even to the point i got to help him choose his next secretary.if he is late home he always calls and we both text each other throughout the day and make more effort to go out at weekends.he has told his boss he will never work away again.being able to cope so well without each other in a way was our downfall as we had no sex life or social life together.wust got on with it.e j

like i say,some of what happened in a way was a big wake up call but some days i feel dreadful and think i am an idiot to stay and maybe there was more to it than he said.

if only i could just wake up one day and just get over it!


thanks again everyone.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Keep us posted!

draconis


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## carmaenforcer (Mar 7, 2008)

*mollymalone* I say a limilar thing to your;


> if only i could just wake up one day and just get over it!


Mine goes; "I sometimes wish for a head injury to magically errase all the stuff i can't forget on my own", I'm a sport bike rider and so it could happen one day.
I think that feeling of dread you feel is normal for someone who has placed their future happiness, life and family in the hands of a liar and/or a cheat. 

You said it was all a big wake-up call for the both of you. Does this mean that you discovered things that you were/might have been doing wrong as well? Maybe stuff that may have lead to your husbands wrong doings?

I know that a lot of what I do against my Wife or the messed up things I plan on doing against her is as a direct result of her actions and failure to correct them or her just plain "I don't care" attitude towards my feelings and needs. My actions stem from my resentment and loss of compassion towards a person that in my mind deserves exactly what she gives to me in return.


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## mollymalone (May 1, 2008)

we both realised that my husband working away from home during the week and then coming home late fri and then going back to work late sun on and off for 2 years was probably the main factor to why my husband wanted attention .he also admitted he had rung sex lines etc but never went through with anything.funny enough, that i wasn't the least bit bothered by.when i first found that text from this woman, until then i had no reason to even think he would think of being with someone else.i honestly don't know who was more shocked by his behaviour.me or him!

what hurts the most is thinking about how he lied to me, also made me feel very insecure about the way i looked and that he no longer loved or wanted me.i was so hurt at the time.i never really got angry with him as at the time i thought he would leave.he said he felt that if he put one foot wrong he would be shown the door.my ex- husband was absolutely dreadful, so when i met my husband 16yrs ago i thought he was perfect!maybe my expectations were too high and i was naive.i know neither of us worked on our marriage so in that sense we are both to blame, but i had opportunity if i had wanted,to cheat,but that's not me.i thought he was the same

we are slowly moving along,but some days i feel like an idiot for staying with him, then other days i think it's all going to be ok! i just can't believe i can still get so upset by it!:scratchhead:


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## Russell (Apr 10, 2008)

Molly, if you ever find a way... please... let me know. I want so much for things to be normal for my wife and I again. But, I don't know if that will ever happen again. Keep me posted.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

If you are an idiot for staying, then so am I and all the others working through this sort of thing. You are only an idiot if you ignore it and let it continue...or I guess the more appropriate word is doormat. But to understand why it happened and work together to make sure you are back on track and make sure he knows you won't stand for it again is showing your strength and commitment and your ability to forgive because as humans, we all make mistakes. Regaining trust has been exhausting for me at times but it has gotten better over time.


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