# Painful Memories



## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

I don't often miss her, but once in a while I encounter some ancient memory, and it hurts like you wouldn't believe. 

It is often the good memories, not the bad, that hurt the most. I don't know if anyone in this forum really knows about me, but if you know me you know my stance, that I am extremely pro-divorce. I am glad my ex is gone. 

But sometimes when I am caught unexpected by these feelings I feel the same discrepancy as that of a small cabin and a meteor. 

Does she ever even miss me? She told me in her letter that she would always have a place for me in her heart. The notion wrecks me. 

It would not do me well to lie to myself about the facts- the reality is (despite what she said when she left) that the vast majority of our time together was wonderful. She was happy with me. I made her laugh. Sometimes she was so happy she would just start crying in my arms. 

In 2008 a video game called Fallout 3 was released, and she would watch me play it every night. We loved the music and would sing it together. 

Today one of those songs came on the radio, and it just ****ing wrecked me. She was more than my lover, more than my wife. She was my best friend, and the person whom I trusted above all others. I understand now the magnitude of divorce, and what you have to become to survive and cope with it. It is not a healing, it is a severing and cauterization. It is mercy killing. 

I'm not saying that it's not good. I'm not saying it isn't for the best, because I know at least for me, it was. But sometimes I can feel my heart lurching forward for someone who is no longer there and, in many important ways, no longer exists.


----------



## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

V,

I am in the bay area with you, Pinellas County.

I just passed a year of separation and I have to say that your comments remain the toughest part of healing for me.

I know that some of the triggers are there but the pain from the memory triggered has clearly lessened. That is pretty encouraging for me. I am noticing that the everyday in your face memories are easing in intensity but the once in a while memories are stronger. I got bombarded by several on a trip to Orlando this past weekend. They hurt but I can take it and I try to change my focus to something good happening in my life. It helps.

Unfortunately, these things really reinforce the fact that this is going to take many years and the discomfort may never go away 100%.

This is a little off topic but I have been holding back a real in your face unload on my STBXW. I have to behave until I get my divorce after the first of the year with my financial future intact. I can tell that will be so theraputic for me.

Would you agree that it is better to have an occaisional jab to the heart than that daily submergence in the gut wrenching sadness at the beginning. I say "YES !!!!!".

Healing will be a lifelong expereince,
Stretch


----------



## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

Hi again,

I was just thinking of something else I do that helps. If you are a religious man, consider asking God to take those feelings from you when they happen.

I tend to do this when I feel a memory evolving from making me sad to making me mad. The whole thing usually ends right there.

Good luck,
Stretch


----------

