# It wasn't a girl she cheated with!?



## LessOfaMan (Jul 8, 2012)

Following up on my previous post here http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/51573-tale-emasculation.html this needs it's own thread. As it transpired today, the affair with another woman was simply BS. We went out tonight, got a baby sitter, and decided we would talk it through, see where we where headed and try and look at all the angles. Now it went well initially, but took a turn when we where discussing what to do after our current drink. 
She said well do you just want to go home, because I'm not...pretty shocked, I stood up and told her I would leave, and in a tone of voice that I will never forget she said, 'ha you won't leave me' with that I left, walked away, hoping she would follow. Like a whoss, but aware she had no money I text her that I would pay for her taxi home. I got on a bus to find a hotel, in agony. She text a few times, and stupidly I got off the bus, and we met on the corner. Went and had another drink elsewhere and the conversation ended with me walking away stating if you want me, follow, if you don't, don't. 
She did come, but in no hurry and waddled over. We walked in the direction of our home, and talked more, she broke down and was all 'I love you, I want to make it work' etc. 
NOW cue a text message....she said it'll just be her friend (double barrelled name), she pulls it out her pocket, glanced at the screen and said 'yep just double barrelled named friend'. I saw it to, she quickly back peddled and said another friend. That's when the red flags came up good and proper. I asked her why she lied about who it was, and she denied she did, it was pathetic, but not as pathetic as me, I begged her to show me the message, she went with the 'I'm not showing you every text that I get, I can't live like that' but given what she had told me, and the blatant lie, I would of assumed it would of been appropriate. 
I told her that I know there's more to it, and pleaded with her to tell me, that it was killing me, and it wasn't fair, she swore black and blue, there was nothing (that's the worst part for me) This went on for some time, in the street of all places. 
I knew she was hiding more from me. I was in a tremendous amount of pain, and I turned to walk away, she would of let me too, I turned back to her for the last time, ran and asked her one last time, in all my vulnerable glory.. still denial, then out of nowhere, ego perhaps, or desperation i don't know, but I pulled her close and we went old school kids in a park, we ran toward home to follow through. 
As we where running I told her to text the baby sitter, tell her to get ready to leave as we where close to home, and needed privacy. Out comes the phone, pass lock, and yoink, now I had the phone, she literally turned and ran away.
I looked at the screen - guys name - read it and there where a few 'where are you babe' and one that she sent him, while I had left the bar 'on my own, town or not x' there you have it. She was stringing me along, ready to fall back with this other guy, half happy I had left.
I had to be very careful not to let the last 7 years of being treated like a ***** come out, and get angry, but instead I sought answers. I kept calm (somehow) and I came home, said goodnight to the sitter, and text him, saying he's welcome to her, and thank you, ****ing another mans wife isn't on though' he text back and apparently she told him we where divorced. We exchanged a few messages, and then a phone call, he told me it was going on for 7 days, and he was extremely apologetic.

This means that she has had sex with someone else, I actually feel pretty good, like a weights been lifted, my stomach is cramped, and I can't sleep a wink but at the moment, I'm ok. She has access to my bank, (unable to stop the card) and she had taken 60 from it shortly after she ran off. She's been gone hours now, and I don't know if she'll even come back, or god only knows what mood if she does.
I'm worried that the feeling of being re empowered with all that she had taken from me since I met her, won't last, that I'll end up a crying mess again, but one thing is for certain, my marriage is well and truly over. I don't know how to process that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> I don't know how to process that.


I do... Have a party. You have just got rid of a dead weight in your life. Lucky you, all things considered. 

And for once it seems the other guy was an innocent victim too.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I am so sorry this happened to you. It sounds like you're doing all right. Keep posting when you feel the need, and good luck now that you're free!


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## Seesaw (Jun 5, 2012)

Sorry to hear this. From this and your other thread, the only thing you can do now is file for divorce and emotionally detach yourself. You say it is all over. Whether that is the case or not, the process you go through now is the same. Get yourself out of her life and see what happens.

Look after yourself, first and foremost. Even when it hurts, keep your dignity now.


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## LessOfaMan (Jul 8, 2012)

Ahhh see now I don't feel so good. Already??! I don't know any other life than the one with her, we take on everything together, I don't want to believe she is so evil, I don't know how or don't want to face the reality.

Keep my dignity that resonated.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

Please edit your post and split into paragraphs. I kept re-reading the same sentence. White spaces help.


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## Seesaw (Jun 5, 2012)

She is not evil, just broken. If you want to salvage the relationship you have to show her you are serious. At the moment she has absolutely no respect for you and women cannot stand a man who they do not respect. You MUST stand up to her, show her you are a man and refuse to take her cr*p. If you fail now, nothing will change.

Be strong. However much you are hurting inside, however much you want to cry, hug her, comfort her, you cannot do it.

Look after yourself. She will see your dignity if you can show it and keep it.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

She sounds like a major renovation project that's going to take a lot of work. Are you willing to put forth the effort for something that might still not work out? If not, time to move on.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You got her phone good. Don't give it back until you've copied every messages and email.

Next today cut off her access to all money. Move it to a new account if you can't cancel her card.

Sorry she's done this to you. It was incredibly cold of her to be out with you ,playing you and texting him.

Don't believe his story of ignorance. See if you can track down the OMs info , find his fb page and see if he's in a relationship already with someone. Then expose hs cheating to his wife/gf
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Some people simply aren't cut out for monogamy. Given her history, this is certainly the case. Expect A LOT of trickle truthing in the weeks ahead.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

> Out comes the phone, pass lock and yoink, now I had the phone, she literally turned and ran away.


What a cowardly scumbag!!! If there was one thing you did right, it was grabbing her cell and talking to the OM.

No more Mr.Nice guy. Read that book. You have major problems with your behavior.


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## zsu234 (Oct 25, 2010)

You know what you married, she's acting true to form. You need to cut your losses now and not waste any more of your lifes energy on her. You don't have to keep paying for a mitake you made in your youth.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Oh, and get tested for STD's too.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Process it like you do any death...yes this is a death of a marriage!

You will grieve and mourn and you will move on. Just like when our loved one pass away, we go on living.

So go dark with your WW she has a lot to learn about what will make her happy in the long run. Right now protect your emotions and do a 180.

The 180 will help you disengage your emeotions and soon the indifference you have for her will come natural. It just takes time and sure you will have some relaps, just don't let her know.

See every time you engage her you *will* go back to squeare one with you emotions and the torture will start all over.

The more distance from her, the more time, the less pain...get it?

Bets revenge right now is showing her and others how confident you really are in leaving her. Showing her and others how positive you are in moving forward with out her. How happy you are that the wieght has been lifted.

The best revenge is showing her and others how your STBXW will no longer bring out the worst in you.

Go work out, take some time off of work, do some things for your self like a hair cut some new cloths a mini vacation by your self.

The best thing right now is getting your head clear with out her influencing you so go get away for a bit with out her.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Bloody Hell, mate! What a horrible thing she has done to you!

We'll be here for you, as you know.

Work out your next steps.


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## LessOfaMan (Jul 8, 2012)

Thanks for all the support, I feel so weak, I keep trying to justify it, imagine like it hasn't happened.
I had text her friend from her phone shortly before talking to the other bloke. She's a real bad influence, and who I assumed she would of gone to see, her or him anyway.
I asked her to tell her that she doesn't have to worry, that I wasn't going to flip my lid, and get aggressive.
Her mate called me at 5:40 am extremely drunk, saying she had just got in, and made out like she didn't know much, and I said oh she's not with you? Well I hope she's safe" She drunkenly said, 'oh she's fine, we'll reassess in the morning'
Then that was it, it's now 10 am I've had a few hours sleep, I've had to do the morning routine with my kids, and try and keep up strong Dad. She could walk through the door any minute, and I can't deal with this much longer, I'm sinking deeper in to the misery, and any confidence I have about leaving, is decreasing by the minute.
What the hell is wrong with me to not just see just how evil she was to me? Why am I so soft with her?


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

LessOfaMan said:


> What the hell is wrong with me to not just see just how evil she was to me? Why am I so soft with her?


Simply put, because you want to. 

If you didnt, why would you allow her to behave the way she has without any serious consequences?

If you didnt, why not have some courage to do what you must?


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## LessOfaMan (Jul 8, 2012)

No what I want is for the women I have loved unconditionally for 7 years, to of not cheated, and treated me like this.


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## LessOfaMan (Jul 8, 2012)

I want to change the past, I'm not very good at things that I am unable to comprehend.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Don't try to comprehend it. You probably never will. Most of us BS's never do.

Let her go. There's a thread around here somewhere with that title - have a read. Just Let Them Go I think it's titled.

And PLEASE realize there isn't anything wrong with you - SHE is the one with something wrong with HER. She just murdered your marriage.


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## ShootMePlz! (Oct 5, 2008)

Show strength and don't let her call the shots. Don't be afraid to give her the boot!!! Right now she thinks you are too weak to leave.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

when it comes to affairs and cheating throw comprehension out the window.

It seems the both of you may have had a unhealthy marriage and your WW made a choice to handle hers by sleeping with OM. While mabye you went of to work and stared doing your own thing.

The point is she made a choice to handle this unhealthy marriage the way she did and it is all on her.

Maybe your marriage was healthy and you were a perfect husband then maybe she is just a broken person inside...maybe something from when she was a child.

At the end of the day, you confronted her and she continued and so she blow her chance.

Right now spend as much time with the kids, they will keep you grounded.

As far has your WW is concerned, prove her wrong that you can leave her so let her go by asking her to leave the home.

See, be prepared she still think she has your number so after spending the night drowning her broken marriage with her boyfriend she will come like nothing is wrong. do not let this happen....again!

See she still thinks the old LessOfaMan is still around. You need to show her that the *new* LessOfaman is not going to tolorate this crap by asking her to leave, and if she trys to take the kids inform her that will call the police if she trys to take them out of *there* home. Beside were is going to take them..OM place the toxic friend, how long do you think that will last. Face it the grap her lifestyle she will bring back any way when its time to go back out.

What eveidence do you have to show another why you are asking her to leave the home. There is damage control you need to start thinking about. You need to start protecting your self b/c the women that you thought had your back is gone and you must look out for your self.

You need to man up b/c she will continue to play off the weakness she see and will continue to manipulate you.

If you don't get mad and start showing her some real consequences for her behavior she will continue.

If she for one minute see her same old husband she will continue.


With some confidence and tough love on your part she will continue.


Hell brother even after confronting her she continued, so You see the nice guy approach has gotten you no were.

Get it?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Once again, cut her off from cash, and find the OM she is cheating with and expose him too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Oh and go for full custody and the house in the D.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LessOfaMan (Jul 8, 2012)

I was able to cancel my card, so at least she can't empty my account on him/her/ whatever the hell she is doing. 

I'm flipping between two polar opposites, extremely quickly, (4 or 5 times since this reply started 2 sentences ago. I hate the idea that this just isn't phasing her, that she just doesn't care, and I'm sat here like a muppet, on a forum, trying to hold it together.
From what I can make out, she's set up an exit strategy with her dodgy mate, there where only a few texts between them, but Yesterday I couldn't be at work, and told her I was heading back, she wanted me to, but she had text her mate, saying that it was a bad day because I was here.
I feel so used, and violated, then empowered and free, then used and violated, then empowered and free. It's a nightmare, and I can't keep my dignity, or strength 50% of the time!

See with the house, we rent and it's in her name, as she transfered the tenancy behind my back, several months ago. She has been in touch with domestic abuse counselors before, continuing behind my back, she's used the police before, I have no footing with any officials.
I'll tell her to leave, but it doesn't matter, she's got control. I'll have to leave and hit a hotel, or worst yet, she'll come and take the children away.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Your in a tough stop man, so I again you take the time off of work for family emegency. Go collect your self and finds some support beit family, friends, sibling, and a lawyer.

You must get your head clear b/c right now you are thinking you have no options. So please go off and clear your head, see a lawyer during this time and come up with a plan that will get you out from this emotioanal abusive women.

Now is the time to look after your self and get it together, its tough man but you must take the bull by the horns and protect your self.


See its just like a airplane crash. You have to put the 02 mask on first and then you can put the mask on your kids.

She has stabed you in the back at every turn so now is the time to force those painful thoughts out by repeating to your self "I diserve good things"....say this everytime you feel weak and lose strength.

You have to fight, this is an exit affair and she is way ahead of you , so please you have no time to be weak you need to get it together for you and your kids sake.

Do you want this kind of women you don't even know *now* around your kids 100% of the time?

Its not what knocks us down that matters, it how we get back up that counts.


Do you understand how dangerous of a position you are in?

She will in may mind push the right buttons that will make you snap and BAM!!!! THE COPS ARE TAKING YOU AWAY AND YOU CAN'T SEE YOUR KIDS.


Please go clear your head and protect your self....get a damb lawyer now.

Do you not see a set up? 


Now is not the time to let this chick get the better of you.


Again she has been *planning* a long time, its time for you to catch up not sit a cry about it. 

Have her served ASAP!

Protect your self so that you can get some custody with your kids.

Your wife is gone, your kids need you now b/c there mother is not stable enough to see what she is tiring apart. Get it?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Wait how could she change the lease? 

Are you sure she isn't b*llsh*tting you on this point?

Have you confirmed with the property manager?

Some things not right, if she can do it then why don't you turn the lease over in your name behind her back?

Dude you need to start fighting back.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Yep see an attorney ASAP and get an interim legal/physical custody plan in place ASAP. (Interim for between now and when the divorce is final.) Go for at least 50/50 physical custody.

You don't really need to be around her at all anymore. Let the attorney handle the divorce. Use the 180. Only communicate with her about the children and only do it via text and email. That way you have a record... and you can take to time to respond so that there are no knee jerk reactioins.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

The place you rent is your marital/family home right? You get your mail there right? 

She cannot kick you out, it's your legal residence. Neither of you can kick the other out. It will take a court order to do that and a judge will usually not give that order until the divorce is final.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

@EliGirl, another fine point in why Op needs to get a lawyer....like yesterday. The lawyer will give him the rights he has with regards to keeping the kids at home with him.

I hope OP sees this and fights


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Lawyer, ASAP. Explain all. This is a set up.
Purchase a VAR yesterday. Stock of good batteries. Carry it with you everywhere. 
Be at control of your emotions. Detach from her.
Let her go.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Come on man get it together !! YOU are a FATHER !! So start thinking of your KIDS an not YOU.
NOW, what do you mean she has used the police before, and abuse counselers ?? Answer that later, right now, pratical things are needed. 
If she can change the lease, so can you. Get it done NOW !!
Now, since you have taken care of the bank card, you need to know your kids are settled for the night, and sit yourself down and process THIS " You are flip flopping bc you never saw it coming. He said seven days, WRONG, No 7 day affair is moving to exit affair that fast. I bet she called him as soon as she ran. You know from the tx that he comes over when you are working. That means he see your pictures around the place. He LIED!!!!
You are feeling empowered and defeated, bc you are in a tailspin. STOP IT. THINK my KIDS !! You are weak bc you want to be. A PITY PARTY is not what is needed now. She has been setting this up for a while, so we have to get you to the caught up point. NOT catchup, caught up. So pay attention to the VETS. Yo can break down when you have secured the house for you and the kids.
Expect her to contact soon. You STOPPED the money !!! If she don't that tell you she is thinking only of her. BUT remember, she has been in contact with counselors and the police, so she may come back with them. Make sure the kids and house is spotless. This will also help you burn off the stress some. Homie, its man up time NOW. This is one of the worst pre-exit setups I have read on here. Which shouldn't surprise us, considering her pass and friends.

If you can, go to the police and see if you can get a emergency RO. Say you fear for your life, bc of her pass and friends. Do you know if she has a record for hooking ?? Yeah, you may have to lie, but you are WAYYYY behind, so you can't afford to play nice. If it was me I would be calling the cops now. Saying me and her was arguring and she said she was going to get her friends and throw me out of my home. I play nasty. and so should you, instead of having a pity party. I ust hope she has not returned by the time you read this.

Go back over this thread and follow the main point the VETS are advising you. THEN DO. DON'T THINK, DO. Pretend you are a robot if you have to, BUT DO !!


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

You are weak bc YOU want to be. And as long as you wallow in self pity, telling yourself how evil you been treated, you will continue to be behind the 8ball.
So start telling yourself you don't deserve to be treated this and get angry. But if she comes back with the cops, control yourself !!

STOP telling yourself, what you can't do. START telling yourself you are a man with a RESPONSIBLE JOB, taking care of what needs taking care of.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

You can make one of her lies into the truth.She did tell the OM she was divorced,so it would only be fitting to make that come true.Sorry you're here,but if you don't stand up then get used to her boot marks.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

LessOfaMan said:


> I was able to cancel my card, so at least she can't empty my account on him/her/ whatever the hell she is doing.
> 
> I'm flipping between two polar opposites, extremely quickly, (4 or 5 times since this reply started 2 sentences ago. I hate the idea that this just isn't phasing her, that she just doesn't care, and I'm sat here like a muppet, on a forum, trying to hold it together.
> From what I can make out, she's set up an exit strategy with her dodgy mate, there where only a few texts between them, but Yesterday I couldn't be at work, and told her I was heading back, she wanted me to, but she had text her mate, saying that it was a bad day because I was here.
> ...


Check your state laws if you can keep a digital voice recorder on yourself when you interact with her. If she claims you attacked her then those recordings will help prove your innocence.

Since you're married does it matter whose name the house is under? As a married couple aren't you one entity? Check your laws once again.

In the mean time can you have a relative come stay over at your house so she wont come and get the kids when you're not around? Or stay at your parents with the kids until you get some sort of a official agreement on child custody?

Now is also a good time secure any important financial document and valuable items offsite or in a safe.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Are states even prosocuting this type of thing? I mean joeshmo is not going to go to jail for trying to find out if his wife is sleeping around or preventing false allocations.

Maybe Donlad Trumph might get it to some trouple for wire tapping but I doubt the voice recording police will go looking for you.


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## LessOfaMan (Jul 8, 2012)

I'm inclined to believe the affair has only lasted a short time, it all came to a head the week after he said he met her in a bar, she has a facebook status talking about how she met some amazing people, not a plant, as we don't have each others accounts linked at all.
Her dodgy friend has been in touch, but I don't know if she's just playing the game with her, or been played well too. I explained that she has disappeared, that it's all a game, she'll surface playing the victim, or a huge attention seeking ploy to avert the consequences. To check with the people she has met, to which she claimed she 'only knows me' she has mentioned 'just call the cops' but it hasn't even been 24 hours. And I've had a sudden wave of OH GOD in that if anything happens to her, I could be seriously screwed here.

Unfortunatly no, my friends are those kind of friends, and I'm only in this Country because I stayed her with her. So all of my support, and to be fair, hers (family) are in a different Country. I've no-one except her, hence the extra hurt.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

OK. Got a lil more of the picture. She hasn't done anything to herself. Calm down on that. What did she call the police for and abuse counsels ?? Either her friend is lying or there is another man. Although, considering her past, she knows how to get picked up, so finding a man to crash with for a day or 2 will not be hard.

There is another possibility, she is to ashamed to face you. No I'm not making excuses for her. The evidence you found truly sound like an exit stratagy. And if you can say you never had the cops called to your home, then she was really setting this up pro style.

What we need is a lil more background here. I remembered you posting she didn't have any friends until this female friend. So how long has she been going out ??


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Is going back to your native country with the kids an option?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Think though how to control the situation and what you can do:

1. Money under control - check ? Make sure she cannot go physically into a bank and take out the money. If it's in a joint account, then you should go in tomorrow and move it to a personal account.

2. The name of the lease may work for you. You can potentially get a new place and move you and the kids there? - talk to a lawyer first!

3. Get a lawyer working for you immediately. You might be able to file for abandonment by her, which will help in your D proceedings.

Do not leave the kids at home with a baby sitter. You need to be with them, or you need to have them in a trusted adults care where she cannot take them without your approval.


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## LessOfaMan (Jul 8, 2012)

She has just text from an unrecognised number, not in her phone either, so I'm guessing that she has picked up someone else, I don't need to know I guess, I know enough. My guess is she tried using the card...

She is still trying to make me come to her..

"I'm thinking u probably don't want me to come home after lastnight. Wd that b right.

- Where are you. I'm not fighting.

"Town. I'm a bit worried about coing back to be honest"

- I'm not interested in fighting or talking.

She still wants me to tell her to come here, she still can't face her own actions.
I will not send anything else, but I'm getting seriously anxious about what I'm supposed to do, I want to tell her to move out, she will refuse, and therefore I have to leave, and find a hotel. I don't want to crash at a frieds house, I'm no company at the moment.

As it's my sons birthday tomorrow, I gave him my special present today, at least he has it, and we've had a few 'talks' I WILL not raise my voice to her, I MAY listen to her. 
I still WANT her to come back and be truthful, open, but that just won't happen without me guiding it out, which I refuse to do anymore. But the thought that she might, and then won't pre hurts!

The abuse stuff started years ago, we rowed, I smashed a glass, left as I was getting angry, came back an hour later after a drive, and she had left with the little boys to a womens refuge, where she was for a few days.
The most recent was supposedly some mix up where a counselor was overstepping her professional boundaries, and convincing her to get the locks changed, they where going to pay for it all because she told them I was emotionally abusive, and given the impression I imagine, or just flat out lied about me being physically abusive. (I've seen a few emails, and the extent to which the lawyer was going was a bit ott)
Also the police a week or 2 to the day last year, when she got angry that I would not leave what I was doing to let her in as she'd forgot her keys, after me reluctantly agreeing to her getting away for a few days after a suicide 'attempt' I came home and all their belongings where packed in carrier bags, I had to sit in the back of a police car, while they helped her pack her stuff into a stolen car, with her old school and ex our family friend's brother (Who in hindsight she may of cheated with a few years before I suppose I believed her story, because I didn't think she was like this) 
I suppose I've been in denial for a long time.
It doesn't stop me wanting to be able to bury my head in the sand.

I also wonder what will happen now, I worry because she'll spiral further, this will be the first time that I have not protected her, I would of normally text again by now, after nearly an hour, implying I wanted her to be here.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

OldWolf57 said:


> *You are weak bc YOU want to be.* And as long as you wallow in self pity, telling yourself how evil you been treated, you will continue to be behind the 8ball.
> So start telling yourself you don't deserve to be treated this and get angry. But if she comes back with the cops, control yourself !!
> 
> STOP telling yourself, what you can't do. START telling yourself you are a man with a RESPONSIBLE JOB, taking care of what needs taking care of.



exactly.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

Is there like a restaurant or cafe nearby. Meet her there. that way you can have the talk without her coming back to the house. So if it goes sour you won't have to move out. 

She shouldn't and can't be trusted in your home from what you've said.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Stop letting her control YOUR EMOTIONS !! You are a MAN. Man up. Yes you are all over the place, anyone would be. But you have to get a handle on yourself. You want the truth, then tell her to come home. Don't leave her out there at some mans mercy. She is still your wife. So act like it until she isn't. Being a man is hard Bro, but it means we are the LEADER of our family, doing things we may not want, even if it hurts. Call her home, you sleep on the sofa. take that time to think of all the ??s you want answers to. tomorrow have a neighbor watch the kids while you talk. Have your ?s ready. And plz try not to get emotional, its hard I KNOW, but this is your FAMILY you are fighting for.
From the sound of things, there has been a lot of mistakes all around, but you say you still want her. Well I like for ppl to have what they want. YOU married her knowing her past, so I see it as you guys can work through this. But for tonight, just get her home, and separate yourself to get your ??s in order. U can't PRE HURT, KNOW its going to hurt. So set yourself as best you can. BC that # may be that old family friend brother, so you know he wanted some for the trouble. THAT takes care of the pre hurt, right ?? Accept it move on, you have bigger problems. Can you pull ur family back together. This takes some BIG balls my friend, but you married her, knowing her past.

We will take things one at a time, and just get her home. All the ?? of her planning to leave you have to be answered, but for now get her home safe.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Get a var and carry it on you now always. I mean always.

If she threatens at any point to call the cops on you. Do not provoke or argue with her. Instead YOU call them right them and there and report her for making threats against you.

So you sit home with the kids while she is currently out sleeping around and hanging in bars
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LessOfaMan (Jul 8, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> So you sit home with the kids while she is currently out sleeping around and hanging in bars
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


What the hell other choice do I have? I can't take the kids anywhere, I can't go out looking for her, I have no choice.....I can't text that number and say, look please come home, no way, previously perhaps, but not since what she did to me.....If she's out there doing that tonight, then what difference was it to last night after she ran away. 
I don't see a way to "Be a man" in this particular instance. Best I can do is be with my kids. Who she'll set about tearing off me, when it really sinks in that she isn't getting away with it.
What can I do?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

LessOfaMan said:


> What the hell other choice do I have? I can't take the kids anywhere, I can't go out looking for her, I have no choice.....I can't text that number and say, look please come home, no way, previously perhaps, but not since what she did to me.....If she's out there doing that tonight, then what difference was it to last night after she ran away.
> I don't see a way to "Be a man" in this particular instance. Best I can do is be with my kids. Who she'll set about tearing off me, when it really sinks in that she isn't getting away with it.
> What can I do?


You are doing the right thing... taking care of your children. 

There is nothing you can do about your wife. She's made her choice. A man does not chase after a cheating wife who walks out on him and their children.

So don't say you cannot "be a man", you are being a man.

I'm sorry for what you are going through. Life is often just unfair.


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## LessOfaMan (Jul 8, 2012)

OldWolf57 said:


> This is one of the worst pre-exit setups I have read on here.


Given your post count that really hurts man..

Can you elaborate this pre exit thing I have a general ide, but what parts of it where pre exit?


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## LessOfaMan (Jul 8, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> So don't say you cannot "be a man", you are being a man.


Thankyou.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

LessOfaMan said:


> Thankyou.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

LessOfaMan said:


> I was able to cancel my card, so at least she can't empty my account on him/her/ whatever the hell she is doing.
> 
> From what I can make out, she's set up an exit strategy with her dodgy mate, there where only a few texts between them, but Yesterday I couldn't be at work, and told her I was heading back, she wanted me to, but she had text her mate, saying that it was a bad day because I was here.
> 
> ...


This is why I said that.

Let me ask this. What do want you going forward realistically ?? You have some big hard decisions to make, and we can only go on what you tell us, so take some time and try to start laying out what you REALLY want to happen, given all that has transpired. NOT wishing, but realistic.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Sorry for not responding sooner, but I was folding clothes, and making snacks for my wife. When you look at my post and see the posting time, it's actually 2 hours later than it says. If it say 2:am, its 4:am here. My time is my own, and I slept from 5:am till 2:30pm friday afternoon. Right now its 5:am Saturday morn.


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## LessOfaMan (Jul 8, 2012)

OldWolf57 said:


> This is why I said that.
> 
> Let me ask this. What do want you going forward realistically ?? You have some big hard decisions to make, and we can only go on what you tell us, so take some time and try to start laying out what you REALLY want to happen, given all that has transpired. NOT wishing, but realistic.


I can't believe I've put up with so much, what am I doing. I think I finally understand the importance of leaving this woman. It's utter misery, all I want is for her to love me, but she doesn't, how did her love become so important that I emotionally neglect as far as my own children. She is manipulative, deceitful rotten to the core, and I've spent years of misery hoping she wasn't really. I still ****ing do, it's so clouded with misinterpreted love, I don't want her hurting, I care about her immensly, but I've gone far beyond the of many human beings, almost without really
**** she's here


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Be strong. Don't fall for her lies again. She will try to manipulate you again.


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## LessOfaMan (Jul 8, 2012)

I was in the middle of a realisation and she chooses that moment to walk in, give me a break!! I went to make sure she wasn't with anyone and she asked for her phone, I came and gave it to her, had a cigarette which I was doing so well at quitting a few days ago, came inside (very small house) told her the missing music and such was a result of having to restore it, and it wasn't spite. Then came back upstairs to bed. Wrote this on my cell, and she just called me I answered and nothing, 30 seconds of nothing but movement and what sounded like a sniffle. Asked why are you calling me and she hung up. Nothing else has happened...I'm sorry but writing this is helping me stay in control, as bad as that sounds its grounding...I assume that she is wanting me to go and see why she called? As suggested she knows what buttons to push, as it's a lot of effort not to. But I'll end up on the back foot as she's good at this. Am I catching up? I mustn't forget that she smelt different, like she'd been somewhere, that hurts to consider, dammit now I'm back on the wanting her thought pattern. She has been evil, I shouldn't care, why do I? What am I doing, by feeling like I should talk to her.
Now, she's gone quiet, maybe even of left, now I want to check, but I suspect more button pushing, as she knows it gets me, the thought of her not caring usually drives me to her. I will resist. She's done this, she doesn't deserve ME. Now I'm angry, she owes me I should ask the questions..which I suppose are not important. What does it matter, she's just proving more that she's as evil as I hoped she wasn't. If I confront her on any mood, I'll be the one hurt, she's showed, and is continuing to show that she is not hurting. I'm going to post now, I'm stable and will contemplate.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You care, because you care. You care because you are not evil. 

You wife is probably not evil. Your wife is perhaps just more proof that good people can do really bad things. Usually to the people who love them.

We'll be here for you.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I suggest if you ever get her phone back again that you do not return it to her, or consider shutting off it's service.

She's done a deep deliberate betrayal of you. In the past she has basically abused you, and she is continuing this abuse with her cheating.

You won't make her stop or make the situation work for you and your kids by being kind and nice to her. You've done that for a long time and all that it gets you is her doing that same selfish things she's been doing.

She cheats without care because you don't demand any consequences from her. You get mad, but after you calm down you do things like give her back her phone, give her back her bed, and basically let her keep everything in her life without any consequences.

Consequences are not punishment btw - they are things like: she cheats - you cut off her phone and money - which are things you provide. Or it can be that she sleeps on the couch until the cheating stops. Or it can be that she comes home to find her clothes packed in garbage bags and sitting in the garage for her to pickup.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I'd like to also suggest that you look at the actions you've done so far to stand up to her, and that they've actually been effective.

You cut off her money - good
You took her phone - good

She actually stayed away for two days because she saw you standing up for whats right and not accepting her cheating ways. She saw that you realized that this wasn't a one time thing - but in fact she was sitting right beside you at that bar texting the guy and setting up a hookup. All the while she was supposed to be working on the relationship. 

You took action and she realized you weren't going to allow yourself to be cheated on like that.

You did good!

So now that she got the nerve up to waltz back home after hiding out with some guy the last two days - don't undermine the work you've already done by caving and giving back those things you done.

Certainly do not give her access to the money until the OM is gone and until she gives you full transparency to her phone etc, and until she gives full accountability at all times in the future about where she is with and who she is with.

But remember right now - she is still actively in an affair. She is still choosing to cheat. Until she is remorseful and sorry for making that choice, she will continue to make it.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

LessOfaMan, You are seriously considering taking this woman back? After she painted you as a wife beater, to society and your kids, after she lied to you time and time again? After she cheated on you with who knows how many men?

You want to be canonized or something?


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> I'd like to also suggest that you look at the actions you've done so far to stand up to her, and that they've actually been effective.
> 
> You cut off her money - good
> You took her phone - good
> ...


I agree with shaggy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LessOfaMan (Jul 8, 2012)

This is horrible, it's our Sons 4th Birthday, and we've been up less than an hour, we've hardly spoke a word, she's just gone to have a shower, I can't be around her, she stinks. I can't leave on my sons birthday, but I can't just pretend, I've not got the strength to just let it go for even a few minutes, I want to have it out with her, I want her gone, but I can't row in front of them, I'm completely defeated, and she knows I am. How can I stand up and not let it affect his day. I can't stand being near her, let alone talking about his day. The tension is too high.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

:toast:


LessOfaMan said:


> This is horrible, it's our Sons 4th Birthday, and we've been up less than an hour, we've hardly spoke a word, she's just gone to have a shower, I can't be around her, she stinks. I can't leave on my sons birthday, but I can't just pretend, I've not got the strength to just let it go for even a few minutes, I want to have it out with her, I want her gone, but I can't row in front of them, I'm completely defeated, and she knows I am. How can I stand up and not let it affect his day. I can't stand being near her, let alone talking about his day. The tension is too high.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


OK, THIS is what you do. I am in England, it is now 7.54pm in the evening. Imagine sending me some of your stress. Look, mate, my wife (who I love very much!) is an Aspie, so I am USED to dealing with stress, so no worries. I'll just dump it under our clear blue summer sky.

There are others on line all over the USA and the world. Send each one of us a portion of your stress. We'll deal with it for you, man! OK?:smthumbup:


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

She is going to try to get you to back down and return her freedom and money. She'll try possibly tears, or she might try threats, or she might try blame. 

Realize what ever she tries it's entirely a game she's playing with you. She's not trying to be a good wife. She doesn't have remorse.

she's caught out and she's fighting to buy time. Her ideal goal would be to convince you nothing more is happening, it was a one time mistake, and she is oh so sorry.

Don't fall for it. Right now you hold the cards. Does she work?


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Ask her to shower again, tell her she must have missed something because she still stinks.

On second thought, that probably won't help matters. 

WD


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## LessOfaMan (Jul 8, 2012)

She went with threats. 
This morning I tried so hard to make his birthday special, but it was lass than 2 hours of agony before it was too much for me and my boys. I told her to leave, "I've nowhere to go" and all that, I told her that I hopes it all works out for her, and that I'll be going for custody, and filing for divorce, "I don't care" I told her again she needs to leave, go and stay with him, or wherever you where last night, and then unbelievably, she said "I can't do that now you've spoken to him, the poor bastard" that.. I... wow. I told the boys I need to speak with them, I say down alone with them, and told them that I was going to go, like we discussed would likely happen. They where upset but I reassured them I loved them, and that I'd see them as soon as possible. I went and packed a small bag, she cornered me in the bathroom, with all the you cant do this to him, I suspect it's him as a replacement for her, using the children as weapons right?
I kept my calm, and reiterated that it's more important for him, that we aren't here together. She said she would leave, but I told her unless she was going to sign that the I have the boys, and she would not be returning, that I was going to be leaving and I'm not discussing it any further. I finished packing, headed for the door, told the boys to remember what I'd said, and that I loved them. As I closed the door, she started shouting that she wants her house key, and to give me my bank card back, I told her I'm not interested, and turned away. Then she chased me up the communial driveway, and grabbed my bag. She looked panicy, and it was all about the house key. I told her to let go and I'd give it to her. I was about to when I realised that I shouldn't, I've given her the phone, she doesn't deserve the security that I provided her. I told her actually no I won't, and she grabbed it again. I kept pulling it back, trying to walk away, abd eventually she said fine I'll just get someone to come and get it, as she walked away. I turned away, jumped in a taxi and booked a hotel.

Here I am. I feel so bad for not being with him today, but it is the best thing. I don't know what to do, and I'm supposed to go to work tomorrow. I don't have the money to be staying on a hotel, or deposit to rent.
I did record the whole thing on my phone, so I have proof that I was not being aggressive or physical. It's not great as it was in my pocket, but better than nothing.
I'm afraid she's going to run with the boys, or whatever else she thinks will get me to talk to her. Running with the kids has always pushed me to discuss things with her, so I think that's an option. It's Sunday so I can't get my lawyer, the cops would do nothing. I'm sat here and don't know what to do.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LessOfaMan (Jul 8, 2012)

I suppose it's better than her trying the tears, and being genuinely remorseful, I was worried she would convince me to consider reconciliation, and take full control. At least the threats and hatred are more things to help me accept it. 
God knows what she's doing now, she's going to be panicking, and anything is possible.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Don't reach out to her for a while. Let her stir a bit, maybe she'll realize what she did.

Can you ask for a loan from your family or an advance from work? Having your own place would save you the headache of going back to the old house.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Why do you think she is panicking? From your posts on here I get the sense that's she's calculating and deliberate.You should try to calm down yourself and use this time to try and figure out a course of action and try not to let emotion rule your thoughts.Take care and I'm sorry about your son's birthday,but there will be better days for you all if you stand up,think clearly and make the right choices.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

LessOfaMan said:


> This is horrible, it's our Sons 4th Birthday, and we've been up less than an hour, we've hardly spoke a word, she's just gone to have a shower, I can't be around her, she stinks. I can't leave on my sons birthday, but I can't just pretend, I've not got the strength to just let it go for even a few minutes, I want to have it out with her, I want her gone, but I can't row in front of them, I'm completely defeated, and she knows I am. How can I stand up and not let it affect his day. I can't stand being near her, let alone talking about his day. The tension is too high.


You do not leave. Do not leave your home or your children. 

Move into another room in the house. If the house is small and does not have an extra bedroom, move into the room with your children or into the living room.

Do not do anothing else today until after you do some fun b-day things with your son. 

If you do not have a VAR go get one and have it on all the time.

Then later today or tomorrow get her to go outside and tell her that you want her to leave. Tell her that your marriage is over. Refuse to discuss your marriage or anything else with her. If she started to argue, yell, etc. Just say very clearly "I will not discuss anything right now. I am walking way."

If she comes after you physically say "Do not touch me. Get way from me." Go to the couch in your home and sit on it. Keep telling her to get away from you. If she does not call the police and let them hear that she was assaulting you.


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## LessOfaMan (Jul 8, 2012)

I think she's panicking because I think she still loves me I guess. How pathetic is that. She keeps pulling me back because she doesn't want me to not be there for her. I may of succumbed to her ways, but I'm not like her usual type. She always referred to me as the 'pretty boy' she's more of a gothic person. I'm different because I have drive, I'm responsible and passionate. She's drawn to weakness, so she can control and I was when I met her as my Father had just passed away. She has made an unconciebable mistake, had she of stepped up, had she of listened, I would of loved her till the day I died. I think she never accepted that I loved her, that's her problem now.

I won't reach out, even if she does run, I'm just going to get myself a place, and talk with my lawyer, she had a chance even after everything to get me back, by being real, and not trying any 'angles' but she clearly doesn't care about me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I read some more of the posts above about you getting your own place. Can you find a place that you do not need to but a depost on?

There are some places here in town that advertise a free week up to a free month sometimes.. sort of a rent war I guess.

You simply getting your own place where you can have the children with you is a good idea. Just do not walk out until you have that.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

It all about controlling yourself now. As much as you love your boys, it must have been hell for you to walk on his special day. So tht shows you, YOU DO have the strenght to see this thru. You are MUCH stronger than you knew.

She wanted the to show him you are gone. She is still looking to hookup. She could have taken a bath before coming home, but she want you to KNOW. She wanted to rub it in your face that she can find someone to F**K if you don't toe the line. That all the motivation you need to KNOW how much respect she has for you.

But what she and you are not seeing is that you are still in the drivers seat. SHE WAS A CALL GIRL !! Can you document that ?? In fact, the next time you talk to her just accuse her of wanting to get back into it. PISS her off and get it on tape. You may not be able to use it in court, but you can threaten her with exposure with the tape. Especially to her NEW boyfriend,,,,,,, yeah yeah its nasty and wrong, but this is for your KIDS !!! So fight with what ever weapons you have, except the kids themselves. She is probably trying to convince your son right now that you don't care. That if you did you would not have left on his day. I'm not trying to stress you, but to keep you from falling behind again. Its good you talked to them before she returned, so they saw who was there and who was not, when it started. Your boys have already had to go thru a lot, from what you wrote, so this is one more bullet in their minds of her being bad. She took them away from you once, and now she ran you off. She has to tear you down to them and build OM up before she can bring him around, so expect this. This is only the FIRST round, So knock off the emotional, and go SOUTH POLE COLD. VENT here, but be POLAR COLD when dealing with anyone during this.
Its 180 and "Just Let Them Go" reading for you for now, not focusing on your hurt. All that does is cripple you, when you need as clear a head as you can get. Out of all the things to say and do, she asked for HER key. Not OURs, HERS. Man she is a piece of work.


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## LessOfaMan (Jul 8, 2012)

I struggle differentiating between being cold, and being petty. If I just don't get in the ring, there's no fight. She's showing her true colours more and more. She's a pro at this, and all she's using on me now is the kids, she's hitting me with them, and so I can't hit back. I want her to realise that she's made the biggest mistake of her life, I want her to be crying into a pillow, because she's lost me. She's just being a heartless *****.
Prostitution is decriminalised here, still looked down on and as seedy but legally accceptable. So that's not an option.
I just want her to make this right, I can't believe it's happening, and how much of a fool I am. I usually turn to her at times like this. I believe that if you want something to go and get it, at any cost, well, I want her to make it better, to love me, so I should go and get it. But there's nothing to go and get from her, this is the reality and it's difficult to accept it. It's like a dream. I keep thinking I'm going to wake up, and treat her right from then on. I don't want this to be over, but why? Still why????????????!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LessOfaMan (Jul 8, 2012)

Maybe it's because I haven't eaten in 5 days.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

LessOfaMan said:


> Maybe it's because I haven't eaten in 5 days.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Oh lordy!! Go eat something. Your mind will be much clearer if you do.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

LessOfaMan said:


> I struggle differentiating between being cold, and being petty. If I just don't get in the ring, there's no fight. She's showing her true colours more and more. She's a pro at this, and all she's using on me now is the kids, she's hitting me with them, and so I can't hit back. I want her to realise that she's made the biggest mistake of her life, I want her to be crying into a pillow, because she's lost me. She's just being a heartless *****.
> Prostitution is decriminalised here, still looked down on and as seedy but legally accceptable. So that's not an option.
> I just want her to make this right, I can't believe it's happening, and how much of a fool I am. I usually turn to her at times like this. I believe that if you want something to go and get it, at any cost, well, I want her to make it better, to love me, so I should go and get it. But there's nothing to go and get from her, this is the reality and it's difficult to accept it. It's like a dream. I keep thinking I'm going to wake up, and treat her right from then on. I don't want this to be over, but why? Still why????????????!!!


If you have cat, do not expect it to act like a horse.

You married a woman who is apparently very broken. Then you have spent years expecting her to not be broken.

Without her recognizing that she is broken and without her doing a lot of work to fix herself she has remained broken.

This is why. You chose to marry someone who is like this.

There is no mystery here.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> If I just don't get in the ring, there's no fight.


And she wins by default... You want to have your kids with you? You need to fight with what you have. Prostitution can be decriminalized where you are, but is a judge going to surrender kids to her if there is a better alternative (you)? 

Plus, prostitution is often associated with other problems. Toxic dependencies for example. Do whatever you can. Get your claws out.


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## LessOfaMan (Jul 8, 2012)

Well why can't she realise?! She could of had everything with me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

You are still letting her control you. Anytime you let someone cause you to not do the basics caretaking of yourself, by spending all your time thinking of them, they are controlling you. 
She is not even THERE, but you are still ABUSING yourself. That the same as her abusing you.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Look, expecting her to realize stuff you know, is not the same as her knowing. She hasn't changed from the time you met her. YOU have changed. When you started posting, you gave the impression this was a woman without friends and didn't go anywhere, now we and you see that she is ready to ditch you after going out and meeting just a few ppl. What does that tell you ?? She has been want to do this. Or there has been things going on longer than you think. How long has she known this dodgy gf ??


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Sir look at this like a plane crash, have you ever been in a plane?

When they go thru emergency proceedures, they instruct the parent to but on the 02 mask on first then assist your child/ or the other persone that may be injured...Get this?

You need the oxygen to help your self first, before you can give the oxygen to someone else

See, you have to take care of your self before you are any good to others.

So the point is you are not good to any one until you take care of your self. Once you are breathing then you can take the step to take care of business, like protecting your kids and money and even the divorce so that you can move on.

Do see that until you start eating and sleeping you can't accomplishe the things you need to do to move on.

Go see a doctor, then a lawyer, but get the help you need now so you can go back and fight this unjustise that your WW is doing.


YOU HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF YOUR SELF 1ST!!!!!!!!!!


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

LessOfaMan said:


> Well why can't she realise?! She could of had everything with me.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Some people believe to their core that they are unloveable, and they don't deserve to be happy. They engage in self-destructive behavior. Sometimes, they are convinced you will reject them eventually, so they decide they're going reject you first.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LessOfaMan (Jul 8, 2012)

I'm starting to wonder what the point is, I've devoted so much of my life to her, I've got my own emotional problems and this has tipped them. I was finding it so hard to get through the day before all this, and now I don't even have her. This piece of work was a massive part of why, but it looks like I need her. Now she's done this, I can't have her, I'm useless now and can't imagine my life without her NOW. It's my sons birthday and I'm sitting in a hotel room while she's probably texting the person she betrayed me with. Maybe I can make her love me, and stop the pain. My boys will be strong they are good children, and will cope. It will make them stronger. What has she done to me, I don't see a way forward. Anything else and I would of caved by now. I can't and will not cave to her, she's done this. I am weak, I am no good, this evil person won't love me, why would anyone, why would I, she's right, and this post proves I am just a pathetic little lost boy. Why bother trying to move forward, when as much as I know she won't love me, I know I can't do that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

LessOfaMan said:


> I'm starting to wonder what the point is, I've devoted so much of my life to her, I've got my own emotional problems and this has tipped them. I was finding it so hard to get through the day before all this, and now I don't even have her. This piece of work was a massive part of why, but it looks like I need her. Now she's done this, I can't have her, I'm useless now and can't imagine my life without her NOW. It's my sons birthday and I'm sitting in a hotel room while she's probably texting the person she betrayed me with. Maybe I can make her love me, and stop the pain. My boys will be strong they are good children, and will cope. It will make them stronger. What has she done to me, I don't see a way forward. Anything else and I would of caved by now. I can't and will not cave to her, she's done this. I am weak, I am no good, this evil person won't love me, why would anyone, why would I, she's right, and this post proves I am just a pathetic little lost boy. Why bother trying to move forward, when as much as I know she won't love me, I know I can't do that.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Do you have a male buddy you can call? You need to be with a flesh and bone person right now! Go out and get a taste of life.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Less, first of all, I hate your name, because it's impossible for you to be less of anything because of what she has, or has not, done.

You, too, are loveable, and you need to find an individual counselor ASAP to see that and understand how you came to believe that you aren't. 

If you think you might harm yourself, please, please reach out to a friend, or call a suicide hotline.

You cannot define yourself by others. Human beings are so fallible, the best ones on earth may still at times let you down.

Be strong for your children, they will not understand if their dad lets them down, they need at least one respnsible adult in their lives. Get back in the house if you're not there, you need to fight for your kids and abandoning them legally will do them no favors.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Stop trying to figure her out, she is in a fog, logic and commen sense goes out the window when it come to infidelity.

The one thing you can count on is your won belief between what you will tollorate and what you won't.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

It sounds like you believe you don't deserve goodness and kindness from your life partner. You seem to have chosen someone you thought would never betray you because they needed you too much.

It doesn't work that way. You have to love yourself FIRST just as guy said, adjust your air mask before helping others as the flight attendants say. You are worth it. Plus you have two kids who think you hung the moon. Get strong and well for them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I'm The Prize (May 22, 2012)

LessOfaMan said:


> I am weak, I am no good, this evil person won't love me, why would anyone, why would I, she's right, and this post proves I am just a pathetic little lost boy. Why bother trying to move forward, when as much as I know she won't love me, I know I can't do that.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That is the pain talking. That is temporary and will lessen. I felt like this when I found out about my FWH having his A. I have had a life full of selfish people who have made me feel unlovable, including my parents. 

The thing you need to see is the question isn't "this evil person won't love, why would anyone" the real question is "why should you believe someone who is so totally messed up that they can't realize how much they are loved?" 

There is not a person on this earth who doesn't have value. Not one. Not a single WS or BS. Even the worst of the worst have value. The problem comes in with recognition of that value. 

WS often have a problem recognizing the value of others and BS often have a problem recognizing the value of themselves.
The fact that you have children who need a loving parent in their lives because their mother can't recognize their value is a huge reason you are valuable.

If a room full of people say a cat is a dog it doesn't make it one.
Just because she has acted like you don't have value doesn't mean you don't. 

You are capable of moving forward. You can do it.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

LessOfaMan said:


> Well why can't she realise?! She could of had everything with me.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It isn't about you at all.

She continues to choose in life the bad choices.

We all start out with infinite choices on what we will do with our lives and who we will become.

she has chosen over and over the dark path and the bad choices.

throwing you aside is just the latest.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

be prepared for the other manipulations to come out later. She found today's didn't work, so tomorrow she will play a new games, hoping to break you.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

LessOfaMan said:


> I'm starting to wonder what the point is, I've devoted so much of my life to her, I've got my own emotional problems and this has tipped them. I was finding it so hard to get through the day before all this, and now I don't even have her. This piece of work was a massive part of why, but it looks like I need her. Now she's done this, I can't have her, I'm useless now and can't imagine my life without her NOW. It's my sons birthday and I'm sitting in a hotel room while she's probably texting the person she betrayed me with. Maybe I can make her love me, and stop the pain. My boys will be strong they are good children, and will cope. It will make them stronger. What has she done to me, I don't see a way forward. Anything else and I would of caved by now. I can't and will not cave to her, she's done this. I am weak, I am no good, this evil person won't love me, why would anyone, why would I, she's right, and this post proves I am just a pathetic little lost boy. Why bother trying to move forward, when as much as I know she won't love me, I know I can't do that.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I hope this is venting or pain that has you saying this garbage. There are kids involved and you saying how evil she is. Well why would you have to even ask " whats the point " You talking about good boys and they coping. Well they have COPED enough. Now its time for you to start pretending that you REALLY love them an be their FATHER. You was grown when you met this woman. HOW did you get that way. by going after what you want as you said. By setting goals and getting it done. NOW, all of a sudden you are not that man anymore bc some trim don't want you. STOP making this about you. Are you so narcisistic that you would leave those innoncent children to her to raise ?? Is that the kind of man you are. Who knows what kind of men she will expose them to. But you, mr. gogetter, is folding at the first lil test that you can't easyly solve.
You think you have it so bad ?? go read Solitary Confinement thread, or Bandits and so many others here. What makes you so different from them ?? They realized they were men who deserved to be treated an respected like men.

I really thought you had some more to teach your kids, and you do, but you wants to sink in self pity, and forget those boys. You want to leave them to the streets to raise. Prey to whatever predator she might take up with. You better just be venting dude.

Go back and REAd that garbage. ALL I see is IIIIIIIIIIIII. Well I'm here to tell you bub, it AIN'T about you. YOU are suppose to be a man, so SUCK it up, and take some advice for once in your "it all about me life". FOCUS on what needs to be done to take care of your kids.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

All that garbage, and only two lil lines that don't have I in it some where. All about you. The only time you mention the kids is to say they will COPE. Like thats somethings kids should have to do, COPE.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey LOM---ok enuff of your pity party------you are just as good as any man that walks on this planet----you just happen to have ended up with a wife, who thinks little of you, and disrespects you---but that is her opinion, and her opinion only, and she is one person, who right now has her own demons---so please do not make decisions, based on her

Your thoughts/decisions, are to be based on 2 things 1st what is best for YOU, 2nd what is best for YOUR KIDS

Right now, and I mean RIGHT NOW----YOU GET YOUR A*S HOME, AND STAY THERE---SHE IS THE CHEATER, SHE DOES NOT DESERVE TO BE IN THE MARITAL BEDROOM, TOSS HER AND HER CLOTHES IN A SMALL ROOM SOMEWHERE IN THE HOUSE, AND THAT IS WHERE YOUR CHEATING WIFE STAYS.

When you do go home, keep a VAR, with you, and ON at all times.

You need to take control of your finances, eat properly, physically take care of yourself, and go to work-------time for YOU to stand up for YOU.


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## LessOfaMan (Jul 8, 2012)

I'm sorry yes that was a vent, but was close to not being, I'm rollercoastering to extremes and I'm trying to hurry it along for the sake of my boys, I need to catch up fast right? You guys are not judgemental and seem to genuinely care, I thank you for each and every comment posted. Is there a cycle I can follow, like the stages of grief, so I can shortcut it even faster? I can't go home, we rent a small house and she's really secured her footing for this, she'll call the police and I'll get removed. Not to mention, that if I'm near her she has an awfully strong likelihood of turning me back to her. I'm properly hooked and have to get myself back to being who I was before I met her. I see the goal. I just have to keep toward it.

I started writing a Facebook post, then it turned into a text to her, then a letter, then I don't know what. I haven't read it, so no grammar, I've forgotten a lot already, but like reading my last post over, it helps me understand the signs, what's on my mind, what I was doing, catching up.
I may need a shrink, but I've been there and had bad experiences. I don't have a lot, and I need to hit the bottom emotionally so I'll post itplease don't worry about reading it but I want to get it off my chest and not just a note on my phone. I'm not doing too well.

"Bull****, right. let's have it right, I'm single now, you ****ed me you *****, we promised so much, all for nothing, I hope it was worth it you *****, so long I put up with your ****, you've pulled every emotion from me. I used to be a person before I met you. All you have to say is 'I don't care', 'your pathetic' everytime you **** things up, I think maybe you'll listen *I think maybe, maybe you'll see it. Even now the one thing we swore we'd never do, I married you on a promise you'd never **** someone else. We had kids on a promise you'd never **** anyone else. You broke it. You've done it before, and you did it to me. I can't believe I listened to you, I settled for you. But I'm ready to get back who I was before I met you, I'm a Father now too, and I will NEVER let anything happen to my children. Everything I do now is for me and them, I'm done wasting all my energy on you, they need it more, and so do I. I've been having an exit affair with an impossible dream I had about being happy, but that ain't impossible, it just means letting you live your life. And that hurts, you are the poison and the cure. I've got a lot to do now, I don't need medicine when I don't need you. You relive your youth, spend your money on babysitters, and booze, find someone that loves you more than me. My boys are now my first priority. You are in their way of my full potential and you ****ed someone else, so now your not *getting my support, I know I weren't the best husband, but the number of times you've ****ed me over. You don't have me to fall back on now, I know you are going to miss me, and I know that when the consequences of this hit you, you'll either turn back to ****, or be a better person. I thought it was lose lose for me, but it's not, infact **** it it's win win. See the difference between me and the weak people you are drawn to, I was strong before I met you, I was temporarily weak, My life is solid beneath your poison, I'm back now, your not going to ruin me anymore, you aren't going to get me back, but you can take the consequences of what you have done to us, and still move forward. That won't happen though will it.. You'll go back to *what you know and try and fight with me. if you fight me through the courts, you'll have to take responsibility of yourself or the best lawyer in the world wouldn't win your case. And if you do succeed in the incredibly difficult path you have to face my boys will be well looked after, I'll see them on the weekends, and they'll be happy. **** maybe after a few years we'll be back on our paths together. But you couldn't do it with me, so I highly doubt nor want that at this point. If you don't, succeed, then I'll still have the boys, and they'll still be happy. I want them to have their Mum, but you are toxic to people that are innocent and vulnerable. There's more to being a mother than doing the bare minimum. I never spoke badly of you to them, they sense it and feel it, you are the core of everyone's misery, I'm free from your chains, I will always be able to provide for them. Bit NOW and only now, before the lies, the other times like calling me while I was on the way to visit my Fathers grave for the first time in 7 years, you where telling me how I never think about you. Of course you had to his death was the reason I was weak, when I met you dealing with that would mean I can deal with the mistake I made thinking you would change. You had restarted because your last miserable life had got too much to bear, I thought I was strong enough to help you, that you would get through, but you broke me. You broke the last guy almost exactly the same after almost the same amount of time. But I'm not a waste, I am at the moment because of you, but I can see the light, and I'm heading into it, I'm breaking free. **** you, you had your chance with me you chose to abuse me from the word go. Break me, and tie me to you with children, you knew I wanted kids one day, early on, my vulnerability would of been easy to twist. Our relationship should of ended on the island, but you had me hooked. I used to think you being afraid I would leave you after I got my work permit, was a sign you wanted me, a nice memory, but what's behind the scenes it's controlling me, making me devoted to you. You came around one day and literally *never left. I neglected myself because of you, I became addicted to you over the years, and just like drugs, as you know too well, toothy. It's all a distraction, they become the cause, I'm not weak, you will never read this, you no longer get to know how much I love you, I've shown you in the past and you throw it away, neglect it. I was a good person, and that light is getting closer. I will get there, as long as I stay away from you while you're like this. Reconciliation is a possibility but it would take years of stability, and responsibility for me to ever consider taking you back, you'd have to grow up, which simply won't happen. You never put the effort in with me, you leant on me. We've spoke last year about how if we break up, you'll go one of two ways, dark or light. Well we broke apart because you went dark. Deal with it, but you won't. Fuuuuuuuuck."
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Ok so you wrote it. Now do not send that to her. Just delete it. You need to start acting towards her according to the 180. Giving her that letter is definitely not the 180.

Do something during the day like visiting friends. Tell them that you are getting a divorce. Get some real live people support. You are going to need this.

On Monday get in touch with an attorney. Find out your rights and file for divorce ASAP. Have the attorney set up an interim legal/physical custody plan where you have your children 50% of the time. If you can have them more do it.

While you are in a writing mode, write out your 2-year plan. You need an apartment/house where you can have your children. You need an attorney. 
If you have an joint bank account go open one in your name only have your pay go there. 

There are a gazillion things you need to do. Turn your thoughts to your new life.


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## LessOfaMan (Jul 8, 2012)

I'm not going to give it to her don't worry, it's more for me personally to reflect on, I'll re read it when feeling better, laugh at myself and feel stronger for doing this.
I have a bit of a plan, I'll be getting my own place, now that she's not getting any of my money other than the bare minimum, I'll actually be left with a bit, and instead of spending it on distractions to numb myself while living with her, I'll be doing ok. Not brilliant, but better than many I suppose.
I'm actually pretty exited about getting them over, we'll get a pizza in and play all day!! I believe she will spiral, I don't want that to happen, for her sake aswell, no **** her sake. but I can't be there to catch her when she falls this time. It's dangerous, and there's no way she'll pull through, she's doomed. She'll be loving the **** it all attitude until she can't afford to buy her makeup brand. That's when things will get mad, she's going to be pi**ed and the more she does, the more she's going to cement her fate with me. Only by doing the one thing I've been telling her to do for YEARS... be nice to me will she get me to look backward. It hurts that she's not getting in touch, she did love me, she was evil but loyal at times, and the sex was through the roof, I know that, she'll be hard pressed to top that. I might be a little ***** in her eyes, but not when the bedroom door closes. I must man up now! She stopped me from growing! I'm getting angry now! Sooooo many emotions, I need to shake this!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LessOfaMan (Jul 8, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> be prepared for the other manipulations to come out later. She found today's didn't work, so tomorrow she will play a new games, hoping to break you.


I dont like he odds here, I agree there going to be so much more to come. She knows my weaknesses, she knows I want what I can't have, when I get it, I don't want if, she's said this to me before, she's aware. As long as she keeps doing the same old ****, I'll be ok, but realistically the chances of here beating me emotionally it's 50/50 mate. This is the second Birthday I've missed of his, that's half of them! It's her fault, I gave her so much! I don't know why I can't see the emotions I had while I was with her, I was looking at apartments, I even saw a movie I would usually grab, but was holding off until it was just me and them. Now she's done this I can't remember that misery, I'm all self pity, I always go through it, I get her back, feel good/better then all the bullsh*t starts, and I'm trapped again. But I'm worth way more than her, she can't keep me, I'm stronger than that. She'll be sorry I ****ing left!

Here's to what tomorrow brings. 
I hope you don't mind me keep posting, it's REALLY helping!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LessOfaMan (Jul 8, 2012)

I know that one has a lot of I's in it again, I'm just rollercoastering like Crazy!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You need to get to a lawyer and begin protecting yourself.

You have a legal right to be in your home with your kids. She cannot make you leave. That doesn't mean you go over there, force your way in, lay down the law and tell her to suck it up.

You can ask her to leave, but just like you she cannot be forced to leave.

It does mean that you go a lawyer, get his assistance. Then with things arranged with you knowledgeable about your RIGHTS and with a VAR on you - you should move back in. You can't hide out being afraid of dealing with her. You might use a friend to go with you on the return to act as an observer/witness if she tries to pull anything. 

You sleep in your bed, in your bedroom, that you are paying for.

I recommend you pickup two books an commit them to memory: No More Mister Nice Guy , Married Man's Sex Life Primer.

the second one is not a sex book. Think of it more as a reclaim being a man book.

From your posts you come across as fearful of her. That's no way to be, and you don't need to be that way if you play the games with your head. 

You did good the other night in messing up her game. Grabbing the phone was a smart move as was the card! See, you do have it in you to out think her and win.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

LOM. we want you to post. VENT HERE, just don't go talking like you did before. NOW pay close attention. YOU have to go thru this to be free. If you didn't, you would be me, and being able to feel ONLY so much, is a Blessing /curse.

Your EMOTIONS are going to be ALL over the place. This is normal !! You made the classic mistake most all make. You fell in love. Therefore you gave her the power to hurt you. This alaso is normal. 
EleGirl gave you some practical advice, and I apologize to her and the other women for using the word trim, but I just wanted you to see WHO you had ALLOWED to control you. For that was what she was to her johns when you met her. 
What you have to do now is FOCUS !!! Focus on that plan. I don't agree with you going back. Stay away. She knows you like you say, and right now you will give in and be even more miserable. Solitary Confinment is basically like you, so my advice was the same STAY AWAY. YOU will know when you start feeling strong enough to have a face to face and no one else. You say " my life is solid beneath your poison ", then show her. Show her she can NOT be your puppet master any longer. FOCUS on putting a plan on paper. Step by step, an actual action plan. This will work twofold. It will get your mind off the garbage, and gives you something to work toward. Do this NOW. Do it for the kids and you.


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## LessOfaMan (Jul 8, 2012)

I'm doing things today, I've arranged private counsilling for this afternoon, and I am looking into 2 bed places. I can't get hold of my lawyer which is frustrating because I need to talk with her before making any decisions about what steps to take. I've been given a loooot of information, from the advice peoplle, and it's difficult to process things rationally. I don't want to make the next step based on anything other than what is best for my children. I have to push through, for them and me I see that, I understand that, but I'm afraid that if I stop, like now, I have downtime, and I'm afraid I'll slip.
She really has had such a hold over me, and it scares me to think of life without her, but I can see the toxicity one minute, gleaming desperation the next. I AM stonger today though, I'm making provisions that I must stick to, step by step trying to prevent a fall.
Do I text her and discuss legal mediation, is there any point, do I go over with a mutual friend? I found out today that we have to be living separate for TWO years before we can get divorced. Great stuff. 
I don't know what she's doing right now, the boys will be at school/kindy and she has the day to herself. The other guys? Family lawyers? Misery alone? Pissed with here mate? I've no idea.
I need to see my lawyer, I need to stay in control of me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Until that 2 years is up can you get a child custody agreement in place?

Would adultery/infidelity reduce that time frame?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

keko said:


> Until that 2 years is up can you get a child custody agreement in place?
> 
> Would adultery/infidelity reduce that time frame?


Depends on where he lives, England?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

She is no longer your problem, so who cares whats she is doing.
Stay strong brother


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

LessOfaMan said:


> Do I text her and discuss legal mediation, is there any point, do I go over with a mutual friend? I found out today that we have to be living separate for TWO years before we can get divorced. Great stuff.


While you might have to wait 2 years before you can get a divorce, you can most likely file for divorce now. Then stay in the pending divorce state for two years.

An alternative is to file for a lega separation, negotiate the terms of the divorce and then convert it to a divorce at the 2 year point.

Either approach will protect you.

Do not text her about mediation or anything lega about a divorce until after you have talked to your attorney. Mediation is probably not going to work for you because in order to mediate you both have to come to an agreement. Do you really see her coming to any agreement with you?



LessOfaMan said:


> I don't know what she's doing right now, the boys will be at school/kindy and she has the day to herself. The other guys? Family lawyers? Misery alone? Pissed with here mate? I've no idea.
> 
> I need to see my lawyer, I need to stay in control of me.


I do think emailing/texting her that you want to spend time with the children makes sense. See if she will do an exchange with them in a public place. If she refuses to cooperate with you getting time with the children, then your attorney will need to know this.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Read EleGirl's post once and again.


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## LessOfaMan (Jul 8, 2012)

Well. A productive day.

My lawyer is fantastic, and has set up a plan, beginning with her getting in touch with her tomorrow, informing her that our marriage is over, and to consider mediation. Mediation with regards to the children not us.
I won't post more about that, incase she's *shudder* found this thread, and gains an upperhand.


My IC appointment has left me a bit weird, she started getting shouty, and judged that I couldn't afford her services, that she'd find me someone else. She did bring out a few personal things that I need to contemplate, and she was stunned at how much I treat my wife as a "God" and give her so much power over me.
I suppose I treated her like that because I believed that she was, she numbed my pain, and I return everytime because she's the only thing that makes me feel better.
I have abandonment issues, and have never learned to gain independence.
I'm afraid to not turn to her, as it's totally unknown to me, but I know that I mustn't for myself and my boys. I will show them how to become men.
I am still vulnerable to her if she becomes nice, but I will not relent, and ONLY if she continues for months on end without fault will I ever consider reconciliation. I have to focus on ME now, my lawyer has taken the pressure off from a legal pov, and I just need to ride this rollercoaster, until it stops.
When I break free, I will never consider her as a potential mate, or acceptable mother to my precious little boys. So she needs to turn now, but of course she won't. Which although that's what I want, it simply won't happen, it's as clear as the inability to change the past.
I'm angry with her, the more I start to go back to the old me, the more angry I seem to be becoming. Not in a physical sense, I won't do that to my children, but in a more "**** you!" sense.
It's just me offlaying my emotions, shifting more and more of the focus onto her.
I feel like I'm no longer fighting her, but myself. I have to have ZERO contact with her!

I am also seriously considering finding my own consoling, all about sex and comfort, rebound is this such a bad idea? No strings kind of deal.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

leave the sex alone. you have enough on your plate.

The person you should be getting angry at is yourself, for giving someone with her background that kind of power over you. There is no way you, as a grown educated man didn't know this was'nt a healthy relationship.

Be that as it may, don't it feel better that you are pulling it together ?? Hell, we expect you to vent. It would be unusual if you didn't.


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

Good work. You must detach your self from your wife in order to see her for who she really is. That will make it easier for you.

Stay cool, take care - and I agree with OldWolf, leave the sex for now. Everything need to settle now.


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## LessOfaMan (Jul 8, 2012)

I should of left it alone, but I looked through the backup text files, Now I want to **** him up!


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> My IC appointment has left me a bit weird, she started getting shouty, and judged that I couldn't afford her services, that she'd find me someone else.


Therapist needs a therapist...


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## MrsOldNews (Feb 22, 2012)

LessOfaMan said:


> I should of left it alone, but I looked through the backup text files, Now I want to **** him up!


You're wife's to blame for her affair not her AP. Don't get mad at him, stay strong and use this evidence to remember how your wife REALLY is whenever thoughts of how great she used to be enter your head. 

An IC is a great idea to help sort through your feelings and co dependency issues. If the IC doesn't work out find someone who does. 

I wish you the best. Stay strong, if not for yourself than for your children.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

LessOfaMan said:


> I should of left it alone, but I looked through the backup text files, Now I want to **** him up!


Why?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

LessOfaMan said:


> I should of left it alone, but I looked through the backup text files, Now I want to **** him up!


What did you uncover?


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Likely he wasn't the naive, lied to OM he portrayed himself to be when OP confronted him.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I see you've had an eventful weekend. You absolutely did the right thing to contact a lawyer. Now just be strong and don't contact your wife.

And yeah, don't debase yourself right now by seeking solace sex. You'll just feel crappy later about it. Keep your kids in focus and think of everything you do from the perspective of if it helps them in the long run.

And EAT, man. Did you eat yet? No way can you deal effectively with anything with no fuel for your body.


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## Seesaw (Jun 5, 2012)

Well done. Taking back some self respect is good. Sex now with someone else will lose you that self respect again. You need to be comfortable with you before that - like you say, you never learned independence. Learn it now and your life will be better forever. Don't throw it at someone else, even for a night. One day soon you will be able to have whatever you want from a place of strength.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LessOfaMan (Jul 8, 2012)

So I've found out she's been saying to her 'friends' that I've been turning the kids against her, apparently they said I had told them not to listen to her, and other complete crap. It hurts that she still looks at me like I'm one of her normal guys. I'd NEVER say anything bad about her to the kids, that's beyond cruel to them, and what she's done to us is on her not them. The sad reality is that if they are coming out with these things to her, it's coming from their own hearts, I've never once put any ideas into their heads.
She'll see if she agrees to mediation, but it's hard not to text her that Id never do that.
She's getting all the support I said she would, you've done so well, no longer a puppet and all that, all the stuff that applies to me, not her, OWN up woman, really you'll never grow up unless you own up!
She text this morning asking me to drop my eldest at school, it was SO hard to ignore, but 30 mins later I got a 'don't worry' just using them as weapons right? I will not let that happen!.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

LessOfaMan said:


> I should of left it alone, but I looked through the backup text files, Now I want to **** him up!



Keep these files as evidence. Save a copy off-site somewhere.

Give a copy to your lawyer.

Show them to her friends, parents, etc. when you need to set the record straight.


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## LessOfaMan (Jul 8, 2012)

I'm weakening, I just want to go home


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Don't you have a good friend to talk?
Stay busy. Don't surrender.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

LessOfaMan said:


> I'm weakening, I just want to go home


Have you talked to the lawyer about the implications of leaving the marital home, in terms of custody and and how you'll fare if you divorce?


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## LessOfaMan (Jul 8, 2012)

She's confident I'll do well if I can hold it together. I'm at the bottom now, I can't see a way forward, and to be honest I can't look past my own pain, I'm aware of it, and the lack of strength for the kids sake just makes it worse, I know for ME all about me, poor me, self pity, self loathing garbage, but it's how I'm feeling right now. I don't know what this woman has over me, but I have never felt this hurt, it's blurring into hurt not from the affair, but that she doesn't love me. I can't process this properly, and I can't imagine my life without her in it. I can't face work tomorrow, I can't face myself. I just want her to love me, it's so hard not to reach out to her, I hate this about myself, I don't know where it came from, and I certainly do know how to get rid of it. I'm nothing without her, we've been through so much together, for all her faults, she's had my back when I've needed it. She's the poison and the cure. I know it will never work out between us, because I'll never respect myself under her, but I'll never respect myself anyway. I am worth it, I know somewhere in me, I'm trying to break free, it's been a long ride and I need to get off.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

She's the poison, YOU are the cure.
Man, you have to put one foot in front of the other for now. You are in withdrawal. Yep. So you commit to stay your course, and you choose it dayly, hourly, every minute. Cold turkey. Your are nnot going to dye. Every day in the rith path you will feel better nad more confidant.
Reach out friends, be busy, body and soul.
Write down a mantra. Carry it with you everywhere.
Envision a better future, you and the children.
Stick to the plan


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Consider visit the doctor and explan your situation, he might be able to give you some medication to help stabilize your mood.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Stop thinking about her 24/7 and distract yourself with hobbies, hanging out with friends, going to gym, etc.


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## LessOfaMan (Jul 8, 2012)

I can't distract myself yet, it's like I need the agony, I just want to inject her back in, numb my pain. I don't want to be clean, she may be killing me, but without her I'm still dying.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

No you're not dying. It sucks but just as most of us overcame horrible cheaters, so will you.


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## LessOfaMan (Jul 8, 2012)

And now I feel all confident and better, WHAT THE HELL is going on??!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

LessOfaMan said:


> I can't distract myself yet, it's like I need the agony, I just want to inject her back in, numb my pain. I don't want to be clean, she may be killing me, but without her I'm still dying.


Please go see a doctor about getting on anti depressents. They wil lnto numb you or make you feel like a zombie. Instead they just make life during a hard time like this easier to handle. Your brain chemitry is going wacko.

Also, look up a divorce support group. There should be some for men in your area.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

LessOfaMan said:


> And now I feel all confident and better, WHAT THE HELL is going on??!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Emotional roller coaster. Go see a doctor and get some meds to stabalize you.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

LessOfaMan said:


> And now I feel all confident and better, WHAT THE HELL is going on??!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It's called the emotional roller coaster. When you're in the high, you're confident and feel better, just as you are now and you feel like you can do without her. When you're in the dip, you're depressed and lonely, and you miss her so much and feel like you can't live without her. It's part of the trauma that you received from this betrayal. 

And unfortunately, it's quite normal. It's the ride that none of us want to be on.


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## LessOfaMan (Jul 8, 2012)

You guys are my support group! I REALLY don't want to be taking antidepressants again, I may aswell just have a drink (I won't), it's all still a distraction. From what I'm learning, I need to just keep toughing it out, and if I fail here, well I've let my children down, if I succed, I'll get back everything she took from me, through my own fears that allowed her.

I'm starting to think that the 180 I've done has been to try and get her to see, I want her to be hurting from throwing me away, but her reluctance to approach me and go with the 'he'd be better off' is in itself throwing me away.
All the non contact has still been with her in mind, she will never try and get me back, and she'll never be sorry I left, because of the fundamental core that she cannot take responsibility, she can't accept it, she'd rather just look at me as if I'm some arsehole, not the man that has saved her life on several occasions, protected her from bad influences, I'm just another guy.
I'm done wasting my energy on her, I'm still trying to make sure that I don't forget that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Yeah thats the coaster all right. Hell, we told you to expect it !!! 
Anyway, you did well getting the lawyer working. Let her deal with the wife.

You now have to focus on stopping telling yourself "I CAN'T", and tell yourself "I WILL DO THIS', "I CAN DO THIS". It's amazing but by just changing a few words around DOES make a difference. So thats your project as of now. Changing the words to reflect what match long range plans.
Vent all you want. But working to change your words to I WILL is all I want you doing. 

Compared to the other day, you are doing DAMN GOOD !!. Keep it Bro, we here for you.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

the 180 is not a game to get her to miss you and break down and come back

It's all about you detaching from the situation , the pain, the drama - and returning you to a better place emotionally. 

---

Now have you started the legal paper work and having her served?

Have you talked to your lawyer about the process for getting your stuff?

Have you talk with your lawyer about the best game plan ?


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## LessOfaMan (Jul 8, 2012)

Yes she was served with my intentions last night. Awaiting a response and what to do if she doesn't from my lawyer.
I'm back to work today...
It seems the mornings are proving the worst part of the day, like everytime I wake up, I have to realise it's not a dream.

I'm very angry today! I want to **** her up, make her learn, I've warned her and warned her not to **** me over, and all her punishment is me not talking to her?! It's not good enough!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Radio silence is golden.

Let her wonder what you're thinking, what you're planning, if you're serious about divorce and such.

No doubt she's boiling right now, but you need to focus less on her and more on yourself/kids.


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## LessOfaMan (Jul 8, 2012)

I cracked, Kept my calm, but broke the silence. I regret it deeply now.

I've just taken a massive leap backwards!


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## LessOfaMan (Jul 8, 2012)

She's the only life I know, I'm completely lost without her, all my friends, my job, my whole existence is based around this woman.

I met her when I was 18, I've grown with her.
I can't see what part I can play in life alone, she's my fuel, my energy, my drive. She was the legs to my table, and she's broken, and I'm about to collapse.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Really?...dude that kind of talk is messed up!
Sorry your hurting but letting any one have this kind of control over you is so unhealthy.

Do you really want to go back to that way of life?

I suggest you re read your original post, it is really abusive on the way she treated you. The disrespect she has for you is not worth it.

There is someone else out there waiting for you, a chick that will give you 100X the respect your adultous wife has.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

there you go with the I can't, she is, all my. When are you going to PAY ATTENTION ??? We are giving you the remedies to get you thru, but YOU have to be the one to practice them. These VETS gave you tools to work for each situtiation, but YOU have to work them. Physical, mental, and emotional tools to fight the fight.
Yet, even with them, you have to realize this. "You have to be tried in the fire", Steel is formed in the fire. Diamonds are formed by the fire of pressure an time. Your sons and your future will have to too, so use the tools. You are spending too much time looking back, instead of forward.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

> I cracked, Kept my calm, but broke the silence. I regret it deeply now.


You fell off the wagon, you stand up again, you dust yourself, you reagroup and gain determination.
Back to NC. Detox.
Your lawyer.
Your childrens.


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

Thirty pushups. A long run in the park.
You are unique, cause you are you. No human are more worth than you - make that one sticky in your mind.
Cheer up!


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## LessOfaMan (Jul 8, 2012)

'When you know that what you are doing is wrong but you can’t seem to help yourself, you have a problem'

I've found my mantra.

Must look after me, to look after those that I love, I'm all Blahh blahh self pity, time to sort my ****ing life out!

I'm back.


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## Seesaw (Jun 5, 2012)

LessOfaMan said:


> 'When you know that what you are doing is wrong but you can’t seem to help yourself, you have a problem'
> 
> I've found my mantra.
> 
> ...


Can you change your name to MoreOfaMan and keep posting? Seriously, a small step, but seeing that at the top of your posts every time is not good!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LessOfaMan (Jul 8, 2012)

My first post is pathetic, every one of them since. What the hell am I doing, I've been killing myself. 

The O2 mask, get why now, just thought it was bollocks, always put others first what was wrong with you!
Because you need to breathe to help.

Still doesn't make full sense though, Just hold your breath while you put it on them incase they don't think to do so, in panic, or shock!

But I get the principal.

I've been so lost,

2012 Start of my life.

This has been coming a long time, the big finale, only one thing can get to me now, and I'll be gone in a heartbeat should that be the case.

I'm going to be strong, shall I use my powers for good or evil?! I want a car, my porsche that I've dreamt of for years! 80's 911...

Superficial goal: Check

I am who I am, I'm not pretend, no more chameleon except for professional benefit, (I'm in Marketing) Surprise!
I know what everyone wants, and exactly how to sell it to them, plus I can make it all.
I've worked my way up from selling car washes, to selling what with my help become a seriously large company, to hundreds of thousands of people. And I'm 25

I hated my job on top of all this, very recently. couldn't figure out what on earth I wanted to do, (a MAJOR stress for me) I found one I loved, enjoy, and am incredibly good at. I got wrapped up, and it took a backseat.

Everything that I like takes a backseat. that's why I'm so stressed all the time.


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## MoreOfaMan (Jul 25, 2012)

Thanks you lot!


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## Seesaw (Jun 5, 2012)

Great car! Go for it! And sit in the front!


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## Seesaw (Jun 5, 2012)

MoreOfaMan said:


> Thanks you lot!


:iagree:

Haha!!! Now you are talking. :smthumbup:


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## Seesaw (Jun 5, 2012)

MoreOfaMan said:


> The O2 mask, get why now, just thought it was bollocks, always put others first what was wrong with you!
> Because you need to breathe to help.


We are two of a kind on that score my friend.

Unless you already have, get 'Married Man Sex Primer' and 'No More Mr Nice Guy' and then get 'The Game'. 

Three of the most important books I have every read given where I was.


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## MoreOfaMan (Jul 25, 2012)

Is it wrong to want to have sex with her again? Just a taste, I've got a relatively healthy appetite, and I can honestly look past the cheating and lies, at least for an hour or 2 anyway. I got sooo wrapped up in all this.

I didn't even want to get married, I did to make her happy, something fun to do together, I've been trying to behave like a 50 year old, always thought I was so grown up.

I'm reading NMMNG now, thank sooo much for the recommendations, learning so much.

****ing monogamy, what was I thinking?!


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Bad, very bad idea. It's going to mess you up emotionally. Just rub one out if you feel weak and want to call her.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

MoreOfaMan said:


> Is it wrong to want to have sex with her again? Just a taste, I've got a relatively healthy appetite, and I can honestly look past the cheating and lies, at least for an hour or 2 anyway. I got sooo wrapped up in all this.
> 
> I didn't even want to get married, I did to make her happy, something fun to do together, I've been trying to behave like a 50 year old, always thought I was so grown up.
> 
> ...


Man you trip me out sometimes. NOOOOOOOOOOOO sex with her. NC unless its abot the kids.
You will break if you do it bub. She still has too strong a hold on you for it not to. That post glow will get you everytime.


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

MoreOfaMan said:


> Is it wrong to want to have sex with her again? Just a taste, I've got a relatively healthy appetite, and I can honestly look past the cheating and lies, at least for an hour or 2 anyway. I got sooo wrapped up in all this.
> 
> I didn't even want to get married, I did to make her happy, something fun to do together, I've been trying to behave like a 50 year old, always thought I was so grown up.
> 
> ...


Good you read, but you can't go back man... Don't let your D*** take control here, you will regret it so much.


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## Seesaw (Jun 5, 2012)

No, no, no and no. If that is not clear then no! Just no! Got it?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Don't go there!!! Left hand!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

MoreOfaMan said:


> Thanks you lot!


Love the new name!!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

MoreOfaMan said:


> Is it wrong to want to have sex with her again? Just a taste, I've got a relatively healthy appetite, and I can honestly look past the cheating and lies, at least for an hour or 2 anyway. I got sooo wrapped up in all this.
> 
> I didn't even want to get married, I did to make her happy, something fun to do together, I've been trying to behave like a 50 year old, always thought I was so grown up.
> 
> ...


Sex with her causes your body to create brain chemicals that make you feel emotionally bond to her. She creates them too making her bond emotionally to you.

As long as you have sex with her, you will find it harder to break away.

So do not have sex with her and follow your 180.


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