# Update



## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

Hello everyone. It's been a long time since I've been here! I figured I'd come back and give you guys an update, in case anyone was wondering what had become of Mrs. and Mr. C2W. 

I finished counseling for my miscarriages in December of 2014. I haven't had any major anxiety or depression in months, although I still suffer from minor issues with both. My counselor said I have minor PTSD, nothing severe enough to require medication, but strong enough to effect me in stressful times. I'm back in school, finishing up my Associates degree and pursuing a certificate as a Medical Assistant. As far as my education and career are concerned, I'm moving forward. 

DH and I have been doing mostly well, which is a relief. During the darkest part of the grief from our second loss, I wasn't sure we would make it. But we're still together, we're still very much in love and committed, and we're making progress toward "normal", though I don't think we'll ever be completely "normal" again. 

My current issue is that these miscarriages have only heightened my desire to have children, but they have also made me absolutely petrified to try again. Some days I feel strong, like I can brave the risk and take whatever trials may await us if it means a chance at having a baby, but most days I want to run and cower at the idea. I nearly committed suicide twice last year, DH almost had to admit me to an institution because he was afraid of what I'd do to myself...the idea of going back to that life...it triggers panic and anxiety and depression instantaneously. Yet, I still have SUCH a strong desire to be pregnant and have a baby. I see babies and toddlers everywhere I go, and look longingly at them. I hold my friend's babies and they don't want to go back to the own mothers...they cling to me, and it makes me feel like I'm _meant_ to have a baby...

The conflict is continuous, it never fades, and I face it every.single.fricking.day. DH desperately wants kids, and has talked about getting a vasectomy because he doesn't want us to be accidentally put into a situation that could produce another loss, but I can tell he doesn't want to give up hope on us successfully having a child. 

We already have plans to adopt at some point. We've known we would since before we married, but my desires go beyond simply having children...It's almost a biological urge...to be pregnant, to feel the life inside of me growing...For the last eleven months, I have been bombarded by friends all getting pregnant, all having babies, posting pictures of their baby bumps, posting pictures of their babies after they're born...and I'm left with nothing by heartache and an empty womb. 

Some days I can handle the reality that I may likely not be able to have a biological child. I need to get examined by a doctor and have been meaning to, but our medical coverage changed recently and its been a hassle getting the necessary info. Other days I feel as if I may have to completely abandon this very real and present desire that seems to permeate the essence of who I am. Most days I just try not to think about it, and I take refuge in the loving, caring, supportive, courageous arms of my husband. 

Anyway, that's the update. Thank you all for your support, your kind words, your well wishes, and your prayers. No one ever prepares you for something like this, and I have had a hell of a time keeping hold of my sanity. Without my husband, I'd not have made it.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

You are missed.

Hope you have been writing or journaling.


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

I have. I actually self-published a book last September.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Drats! I was hoping that you were showing up pregnant. I'm probably an eternal optimist when it comes to having babies. That's never going to change BTW.

Good to hear from you. &#55357;&#56842;
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

My thoughts and prayers are with you both.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

VAR, get the cell phone records, hack Facebook, lawyer up!

...oh wait, ummm...

Welcome back 

I might suggest dropping social media so as to limit exposure to the reminders, the triggers you are describing.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

Welcome back.  You'll get your rainbow baby eventually. 




samyeagar said:


> I might suggest dropping social media so as to limit exposure to the reminders, the triggers you are describing.


:iagree: Social media many times causes more harm than it does good. I'd stay off facebook and other websites.


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

Oh if only I could drop facebook. So much of my friendships are dependent on facebook, I can't drop it. But thank you for the suggestion.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Created2Write said:


> Oh if only I could drop facebook. So much of my friendships are dependent on facebook, I *choose not to* drop it. But thank you for the suggestion.



Fixed it for you 

While I understand your point, it is still a choice...difficult as it may be.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

So sorry for you. 

The song you sung meant so much to me. Odd that I thought of it this past weekend. Thank you.

It's hard to understand how things are sometimes. I'm glad your husband supported you. I hope you find a way to express all the love you have inside for children. There are so many who need someone with a big heart. I know you will find a way, and they will love you in return.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

samyeagar said:


> Fixed it for you
> 
> While I understand your point, it is still a choice...difficult as it may be.


Sorry, but :iagree:

I shared my cell number with a bunch of the people I met through facebook(mom's group) and then deleted it. It's very freeing!


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## thefam (Sep 9, 2014)

Good to hear from you C2W ... just typing that reminds me of when TAMers use to get us mixed up under my old name.

Im so sorry you're still struggling but Im not surprised at all that your hubby has been your rock. He seemed like a keeper. I wish you and your hubby much happiness and success in the future. I hope you stick around.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I find it hard to express in words - going through what you have for the past couple years... 

I know you feel like you're walking in a desert right now... asking why ME.. why US.. it's not fair.. you can't bare to try again.. and face another loss... your Husband is there holding your hand, doing the best he can...your leaning on each other for strength.. for all things there is some purpose in this...there has to be. 

Just never give up hope..even when you feel you are hanging by a thread... 

This scripture played on my heart yrs ago when we couldn't conceive..










You & he are young... you have TIME on your side...that tree of life ...IT WILL COME.. I so believe that.. you have so much love to give, to share.. you are destined to be a MOTHER to someone at just the right time.....whether through adoption or biologically... or BOTH.... my bet is on BOTH... Hang in there C2W!


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

samyeagar said:


> Fixed it for you
> 
> While I understand your point, it is still a choice...difficult as it may be.


You're right...I _choose_ to maintain those friendships, many of which are extremely long distance and aren't easily maintained in other ways, over FB. Talking to my friend in Scotland over the phone is expensive, using Skype is difficult due to the time difference, and FB makes keeping in contact with each other much simpler. And that's merely one example.

I also have a part time gig as a Disney Princess, and the members of that gig communicate entirely over facebook. I _choose_ to be apart of this gig, it gives me a chance to bless children and make their day, so it's very true when I say that I _can't_ give up facebook without making my life much more stressful.


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

2ntnuf said:


> So sorry for you.
> 
> The song you sung meant so much to me. Odd that I thought of it this past weekend. Thank you.
> 
> It's hard to understand how things are sometimes. I'm glad your husband supported you. I hope you find a way to express all the love you have inside for children. There are so many who need someone with a big heart. I know you will find a way, and they will love you in return.


Thank you, 2ntnuf. I appreciate it.  DH and I are going to be buying a house this year, and I'm hoping that after that we can start the adoption process.


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

Anonymous07 said:


> Sorry, but :iagree:
> 
> I shared my cell number with a bunch of the people I met through facebook(mom's group) and then deleted it. It's very freeing!


If so many of my friends didn't live across the world, taking down their number and cancelling my facebook would be a practical solution. But it's not.


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

thefam said:


> Good to hear from you C2W ... just typing that reminds me of when TAMers use to get us mixed up under my old name.
> 
> Im so sorry you're still struggling but Im not surprised at all that your hubby has been your rock. He seemed like a keeper. I wish you and your hubby much happiness and success in the future. I hope you stick around.


He is a keeper. The last two years have been hell, but they have shown me just how reliable my man is, and I have never felt so lucky. As painful as the last years were, they weren't entirely horrible. I had the best support I could have had. My friends, my family...they weren't there for me at all. Don't know why, but they all seemed to vanish right when the miscarriages happened. My husband Jason was the only one whose support was unwavering. I will love him to the moon and back for that.


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I find it hard to express in words - going through what you have for the past couple years...
> 
> I know you feel like you're walking in a desert right now... asking why ME.. why US.. it's not fair.. you can't bare to try again.. and face another loss... your Husband is there holding your hand, doing the best he can...your leaning on each other for strength.. for all things there is some purpose in this...there has to be.
> 
> ...


Thank you, SA. I've missed your encouragement.


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

intheory said:


> Created,
> 
> That's a really powerful post.
> 
> ...


I don't see it as selfish at all. 



> You are Normal™, by the way. I know there's something "off" about me.


I don't think there's anything "off" about not wanting children, or not wanting to be pregnant. Some people know that they know that they know that they want kids, and others know that they know that they know that they don't. I am a firm believer that we're all different, unique, and our desires in life are based on who we are as individuals. There is nothing "off" or "wrong" with you at all. 



> And I sure hope that all your dreams come true.
> 
> If physical motherhood is not possible; you and Jason will probably make fantastic adoptive parents. Lucky, lucky kids that get to have their life with you.


Thank you. That's very kind to say. I think that's partly why this process has been so painful...because I know that we will make excellent parents. I've seen Jason with kids and he's a natural. Affectionate, patient, calm even when they're screaming bloody murder...he just has this way with kids. And they all seem to identify me as the "sucker"...the softy who will give them everything and anything they want if they just give me a hug. lol. Knowing that we both are so great with kids, it seems nonsensical that we'd be denied the chance to raise our own children. 

But even if we can't get pregnant, we intend to adopt and give our love to as many children as we can. 



> I seem to recall (from somewhere or other) that frequent miscarriages are related to having a very aggressive immune system? Does that ring a bell with you?


Actually, yes. I'm rarely sick, and if I get sick, it's rarely for more than a day or two at the most. I have a very strong immune system. Always have. 



> Anyway, very best wishes to you.
> 
> [And if what I said in my first paragraph seems insensitive to you; please let me know, and I'll delete this post.]


It wasn't insensitive at all.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

((((hugs))))


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Created2Write said:


> I also have a part time gig as a Disney Princess.


 That gave me a snicker... in a good way. I'd think that'd be fun.


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## RedRose14 (Aug 15, 2013)

Hello Created2Write, I'm glad you posted an update, I think about you from time to time and wonder how you are getting on.

I am not sure whether I mentioned to you before, I have had 3 miscarriages, and have 2 children. Recurrent miscarriages can be caused by low progesterone - agnas castas and natural progesterone cream can both be used to increase progesterone in the body and help sustain a pregnancy. You can Google for more information and these treatments are readily available from Amazon.

Keep yourself healthy, love and best wishes to you and your husband x


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Glad to hear things are better. I'll suggest that, once you've adopted and have that new life in your home, you'll find a lot of what you feel are urges will fade away in your newfound happiness.


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

Racer said:


> That gave me a snicker... in a good way. I'd think that'd be fun.


It's a BLAST. I had two back-to-back parties last night. (I'm Cinderella and the new movie has made me extremely popular and in high demand over night.) There was a baby, no more than a year old, who saw me, stared at me for maybe two seconds and then broke out in this huge grin. I nearly cried, it was so adorable.


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

turnera said:


> Glad to hear things are better. I'll suggest that, once you've adopted and have that new life in your home, you'll find a lot of what you feel are urges will fade away in your newfound happiness.


That's what I've been thinking, too. Hopefully we're no more than a year or two away from that.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

intheory said:


> Created,
> 
> 
> You are Normal™, by the way. I know there's something "off" about me.


Sorry. Just had to jump in here and say both desires and wants are normal. There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting children, and with not wanting children. Or even with being on the fence. These are all normal and healthy. Just because you've got a uterus doesn't mean you've got to use it. 

Okay, back to the OP. Oh I feel you. I really do. I wanted a baby so much and just couldn't get pregnant. And the fertility med made me crazy. And then, when I did finally get pregnant...I was so afraid to attach...and I was right because I miscarried. And then never got pregnant again. And now I'm divorced and 42 and it's not going to happen for me. 
Adoption is still in the picture, but I don't think it's going to happen. 

And I don't really have good news. I will always live with that regret. I mean I find my life to be fulfilling and I have a lot of choices that I might not have if I had children...but there's always a part of me that will be sad that I didn't have children. It's manageable now. And certainly as I get older and my hormones mellow out the craving to get pregnant decreases. But hand me a baby to hold....and I am right back where I started. 

Unfortunately, I don't recommend giving up facebook. You can't really hide from the fact that people around you are having children. You would have to live as a hermit to avoid it. This is just one of those challenges we face. I remember when my best friend got pregnant. I was so jealous. It really hurt. But she was my best friend and I loved her. And I decided to embrace it. I threw her a baby shower. And now I live 50 ft away from my best friend, her husband and their three kids. And those kids are in and out of my home all the time. And I wouldn't change a thing about it. 

So I can't say what your future will hold. I can guarantee there will be grief no matter what you do. It's part of the human condition. I'm just sending good vibes your way.


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

Thank you, BlueWoman. I agree about facebook. It's not healthy to live in an ignorant, "safe" bubble just because thing might trigger my grief. Even things entirely unrelated to pregnancy trigger me sometimes. And besides, I'm a very outgoing, sociable person; eliminating one of my primary social outlets would be worse for me than the triggers I face. My biology teacher was pregnant this last term, and we watched her grow bigger and bigger. And then learning about fertilization...a massive trigger and unrelated to facebook.

I'm SO sorry to hear about your situation! I can't even imagine what that must have been like. It's one reason DH and I are considering just adopting, because neither of us wants to go through the emotional turmoil of another miscarriage, and we have no guarantee that any future pregnancy will be viable. I've always wanted to adopt, so I know I will feel fulfilled as a mother going through that process, especially since there are so many children who don't have loving parents and desperately need them. There are times, though, when I have very strong urges to be pregnant and have a biological child and in those times there is emotional pain.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I kind of get you. I wanted to have 3 kids and adopt 3 kids. We had one daughter, because DH only wanted one and because I didn't feel right adopting kids to have my H raise them, with all his dysfunction; it was hard enough keeping DD24 fairly ok given his crap. She's amazing, but I do feel the occasional ache at not getting what *I* wanted.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Sorry to hear about you miscarriage.

Have you ever thought about writing a book on dealing with the pain and emotions of miscarriages?

Might help you in dealing with the greif and loss. Plus help others also deal with their greif. And it might make you a small or large amount of money while breaking into the world of being an author.

Might also help you to prepare to try again. 

Good luck 

I think you would make a pretty darn good mom! And the book might pay for a child's education!


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

chillymorn said:


> Sorry to hear about you miscarriage.
> 
> Have you ever thought about writing a book on dealing with the pain and emotions of miscarriages?
> 
> ...


I have thought about that a lot, actually. I wrote a short story about both miscarriages that I'm currently working on editing and fine-tuning. It may lead into something more than a short story, something more like you describe, but so far it feels incomplete and I haven't found what else it needs just yet. I've also written a handful of poems that are either directly or indirectly related to my miscarriages, and I'd like to find a publisher for them. 

Writing has been a BIG part of the healing process for me. I've written like, ten or fifteen fantasy short stories and simultaneously created an entire fantasy universe in the last year, mostly within the last six to eight months. It's definitely my passion.


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