# Ex Successfully Alienating my son, help.



## mrnice (Aug 11, 2009)

Ok long story short.

My son and I have always had a fantastic relationship. 
Always did fun things together, sport, motor sport, ride bikes, skateboards, played games, and gave him plenty of love and attention.

Ex and I seperated because of her infidelity. She just couldn't help herself. 

I moved on, found a new girl and life is fantastic. 

Ex. has slowly been alienating my son from me to the point of now denying my access to him and my son is beleiving everything, bottome line is she is poisoning his mind into beleiving im a terrible father and that I dont' want him in my life anymore.

I have not spoken nor been able to sit down with my son. 

When I drop his sister off at his school he will not come near me. 
Just the other day I was picking up my daughter and my son walked close to me and didn't realise I was there till the last minute. He then put on his grumpy face, turned around and ran the other direction. 

Has anyone here gone through this? 
Experienced this? 
What did you do?
Please share stories because this is heartbreaking. 
I have not been able to hold my son or talk to him in over 2 months. He is 8 years old and I am applying for Interim orders through the courts in attempts to have the access re-instated.

Please share your story.


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## TheMizz...erable (Aug 14, 2011)

Do you have visitation rights? Why has it been over two months? Perhaps talk to your lawyer about trying to get court ordered counseling.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I think this is pretty common. The good news is that sooner or later she won't be able to regulate your access to him and you and he can build or rebuild whatever relationship you want. He's not an idiot and the older he gets, the more he'll think for himself. Try to avoid any action that makes your ex's words seem true. If she's telling him that you don't care about him, make sure you're going out of your way to have contact with him. When you do, don't ever speak ill of his mother. If she's a witch, he either already knows or he'll figure it out on his own.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

mrnice said:


> I have not been able to hold my son or talk to him in over 2 months. He is 8 years old and I am applying for Interim orders through the courts in attempts to have the access re-instated.


If you`re working from a mutual verbal agreement with your Ex about custody you need to get a lawyer on this .


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## mrnice (Aug 11, 2009)

tacoma said:


> If you`re working from a mutual verbal agreement with your Ex about custody you need to get a lawyer on this .


We were working to a Court recognised Mediator arranged parenting plan.


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## dddivorceee (Oct 30, 2011)

Be utterly honest with him, and treat him almost as an adult in terms of your communication. The biggest mistake parents make after divorce is using their kids as pawns to hurt their ex. 

I was that child. 

My relationship with my father was damaged, but it was damaged FAR more by his trying to convince me that my mother was "crazy", and by his insisting on being with a woman who I hated. Are you entirely certain that the issue is not to do with the new woman in your life? It may not be obvious to you, but that may be a much bigger issue to your son than you realise. Does your ex have a new partner? If not, your son may see your new relationship as THE betrayal. He no doubt harbours hopes and desires that his family should reuinite. You must talk to him openly and honestly and ask him serious "adult" seeming questions. Communicate, communicate. The experience he has had has likely forced him to grow up a lot faster than he would like or you realise. Don't make the mistake of patronising your kid and thinking that he cannot handle information. Children are resilient in the face of the truth, but are damaged by lies, however well meaning. If you are not fully honest with him he will see this very clearly, and will distrust you. I remember very clearly thinking that I, at the age of 8-9, was the "adult" in the situation, and BOTH my parents were acting like pathetic screaming children. Hope that helps. Do examine the effects of the girlfriend. And do ask your son what your ex has been saying. If you find she has been lying, simply and CALMLY explain that what she has said is not true. AVOID attacking her, avoid calling her names. The bond between mother and son is very deep and he will not appreciate attacks on his mother. Let him make his own mind up, and speak to him as though he were almost more a brother or a friend, as well as a son.


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## dddivorceee (Oct 30, 2011)

Also, how is the relationship with your daughter different? Is she also your ex's daughter? As in is she full blood sister? if not, jealousy issues could be at play wrt her as well. If she is, then talk to her, ask her. Get her involved and explain your concerns to her, as well as to him. DO NOT use them as pawns, but simply gently explain your anguish, and above all make it clear that you love them both utterly and unconditionally and forever. She may, if older, be able to help talk your son round.


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## mrnice (Aug 11, 2009)

dddivorceee said:


> Be utterly honest with him, and treat him almost as an adult in terms of your communication. The biggest mistake parents make after divorce is using their kids as pawns to hurt their ex.
> 
> I was that child.
> 
> My relationship with my father was damaged, but it was damaged FAR more by his trying to convince me that my mother was "crazy", and by his insisting on being with a woman who I hated. Are you entirely certain that the issue is not to do with the new woman in your life? It may not be obvious to you, but that may be a much bigger issue to your son than you realise. Does your ex have a new partner? If not, your son may see your new relationship as THE betrayal. He no doubt harbours hopes and desires that his family should reuinite. You must talk to him openly and honestly and ask him serious "adult" seeming questions. Communicate, communicate. The experience he has had has likely forced him to grow up a lot faster than he would like or you realise. Don't make the mistake of patronising your kid and thinking that he cannot handle information. Children are resilient in the face of the truth, but are damaged by lies, however well meaning. If you are not fully honest with him he will see this very clearly, and will distrust you. I remember very clearly thinking that I, at the age of 8-9, was the "adult" in the situation, and BOTH my parents were acting like pathetic screaming children. Hope that helps. Do examine the effects of the girlfriend. And do ask your son what your ex has been saying. If you find she has been lying, simply and CALMLY explain that what she has said is not true. AVOID attacking her, avoid calling her names. The bond between mother and son is very deep and he will not appreciate attacks on his mother. Let him make his own mind up, and speak to him as though he were almost more a brother or a friend, as well as a son.


Never have spoken a bad word of the ex to my children, I know how damaging it is. 

I do everything with my boy when he was with me. And I mean everything. 
Every now and again he would say something about the break up and he'll say point blank "You're a liar dad"
I will calmly ask him why he calls me a liar and try to get reasons ie/ "Who said that" and he just won't say what the source is or where it came from. I finish it with "I am not a liar, this is the truth"

As for the new woman in my life. 

Yes I believe in what you say about THE BETRAYAL and I believe some of it has to do with this simply because he has not been told the reasons why his mother and I broke up.
Coupled with the fact that his mother is telling him lies about me and Property, it makes it just that much easier to get him to believe anything she tells him.

I have debated this topic of telling children reasons behind the break up in this forum recently and the general consensus was that my son probably thinks everything has been caused by me.

I have recently told my daughter the reasons for the break up and when I am reunited with my son I will be telling him when everything settles down and is back to normal. 
Im not going to stand on a soapbox and tell him that his mother is a fool for doing what she did, and she has had numerous 'flings' since our break up, but I will be telling him exactly what happened in a CHILDS way of understanding.
Perhaps this will help him change his perception on how he sees things.


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## mrnice (Aug 11, 2009)

dddivorceee said:


> Be utterly honest with him, and treat him almost as an adult in terms of your communication. The biggest mistake parents make after divorce is using their kids as pawns to hurt their ex.
> 
> I was that child.
> 
> My relationship with my father was damaged, but it was damaged FAR more by his trying to convince me that my mother was "crazy", and by his insisting on being with a woman who I hated. Are you entirely certain that the issue is not to do with the new woman in your life? It may not be obvious to you, but that may be a much bigger issue to your son than you realise. Does your ex have a new partner? If not, your son may see your new relationship as THE betrayal. He no doubt harbours hopes and desires that his family should reuinite. You must talk to him openly and honestly and ask him serious "adult" seeming questions. Communicate, communicate. The experience he has had has likely forced him to grow up a lot faster than he would like or you realise. Don't make the mistake of patronising your kid and thinking that he cannot handle information. Children are resilient in the face of the truth, but are damaged by lies, however well meaning. If you are not fully honest with him he will see this very clearly, and will distrust you. I remember very clearly thinking that I, at the age of 8-9, was the "adult" in the situation, and BOTH my parents were acting like pathetic screaming children. Hope that helps. Do examine the effects of the girlfriend. And do ask your son what your ex has been saying. If you find she has been lying, simply and CALMLY explain that what she has said is not true. AVOID attacking her, avoid calling her names. The bond between mother and son is very deep and he will not appreciate attacks on his mother. Let him make his own mind up, and speak to him as though he were almost more a brother or a friend, as well as a son.


Oh another thing just to clarify. 
When Im wasn't home and my son spent time with my new lady, my son was absolutely fine. My new lady would tell me that as soon as I would turn up his moods would change.

My daughter says to us now, that her brother doesn't want to come to our house because "He hates new lady and her 5 year old son"
We asked my daugther why he'd say such things and she would reply with "Because mommy says she hates XXX and XXX"


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