# The Quest for Happiness



## MutualRespect (Oct 15, 2017)

Quest for Happiness 

I read somewhere recently (source currently unknown) that the quest for happiness could be better understood in terms of what people are really searching for most in life which, in this author's opinion, was to be "useful". 

I wondered at the time I read it if this could be true for multiple people:
younger, older, child, parent, husband, wife, rich, poor, man, or woman, etc, etc, etc.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

So I think this is an interesting topic. 
There is a bible passage that I’ve studied not that long ago which basically was saying that what our insecurity is, or what we think we need to be happy is a desire in us that fuels a lifelong, unfulfillable, sinful way of life. (I don’t think I explained that well enough). 

Anyway... what are we really searching for? And when we get it are we really happy? And is happiness a state of being or an emotion that comes and goes?


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

MutualRespect said:


> Quest for Happiness
> 
> I read somewhere recently (source currently unknown) that the quest for happiness could be better understood in terms of what people are really searching for most in life which, in this author's opinion, was to be "useful".
> 
> ...


 Sounds like Jordan Petersen in 12 rules for life. Basically, you should not look for happiness in life but seek meaningfulness.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

The quest for happiness is often sought after through external forces. That is the ultimate failure in one's quest.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Happiness feels like an illusion. Much the same as love. Two people come together and focus on each other's positive attributes, how that person makes them feel special, "happy", until that person stops putting in the effort to make them feel special. Then the negative aspects that were always there become harder to make excuses for and harder to ignore. The compatibility of their personalities, their willingness to work on their negative thought patterns and behaviours individually then determines whether that relationship will last. This illusive concept of love really just boils down to each person's personality and capacity for growth, and determination to keep their promise to themselves, the other person, and if they have them, their children, not some mysterious feeling that they think links them that has just as mysteriously faded into nothing.

The same for happiness. It feels like we're expected to strive for and keep these fleeting feelings that come from various interactions or experiences, however nothing lasts. It's like trying to hold water in your hands. It's like constantly searching for the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

It feels like we should strive for something more tangible. To make a difference to someone else's life, to earn that degree that means you can apply for the job you want, to create security for your children and provide them with opportunities, to visit that place you've always wanted to see, to experience the feeling of accomplishment from climbing that mountain. These are tangible and real. What is happiness?


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

AliceA said:


> .
> The same for happiness. It feels like we're expected to strive for and keep these fleeting feelings that come from various interactions or experiences, however nothing lasts. It's like trying to hold water in your hands. It's like constantly searching for the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.
> 
> It feels like we should strive for something more tangible. To make a difference to someone else's life, to earn that degree that means you can apply for the job you want, to create security for your children and provide them with opportunities, to visit that place you've always wanted to see, to experience the feeling of accomplishment from climbing that mountain. These are tangible and real. What is happiness?



You can achieve all those things and be miserable through the entire experience as well. Or have those fleeting moments of happiness during peak experiences only to lead a tedious and mundane life otherwise. Then you become focused on chasing those moments and are consumed by the hunt for those "tangible" moments as you call them. 

Conversely, you can find happiness in your day to day life. 
Dropping your kids off at school every day and walking them to the door. In your daily commute listening to some great music or a podcast that you like. To a job you don't particularly care for, but enjoy the laughs you share with your co-workers and the new challenges and experiences your work day brings. The drive home, again more music and podcasts jamming out in your car or listening to a good e-book. To the grocery store to pick up items for dinner and home to cook. Sitting down with your family and enjoying a meal you just made for them. Watching a show together on the couch, pet your dogs and cats. Then tuck into bed for the night. Wake up and do it all over again. You could also do all of that stuff I just said and be downright suicidal all throughout your day. 

Your whole life is a tangible moment. Your happiness is going to come from within. So is your misery.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

TheDudeLebowski said:


> You can achieve all those things and be miserable through the entire experience as well. Or have those fleeting moments of happiness during peak experiences only to lead a tedious and mundane life otherwise. Then you become focused on chasing those moments and are consumed by the hunt for those "tangible" moments as you call them.
> 
> Conversely, you can find happiness in your day to day life.
> Dropping your kids off at school every day and walking them to the door. In your daily commute listening to some great music or a podcast that you like. To a job you don't particularly care for, but enjoy the laughs you share with your co-workers and the new challenges and experiences your work day brings. The drive home, again more music and podcasts jamming out in your car or listening to a good e-book. To the grocery store to pick up items for dinner and home to cook. Sitting down with your family and enjoying a meal you just made for them. Watching a show together on the couch, pet your dogs and cats. Then tuck into bed for the night. Wake up and do it all over again. You could also do all of that stuff I just said and be downright suicidal all throughout your day.
> ...


Bolded above is indeed the key to one's happiness. Children find happiness from external things, but as we mature/grow we must develop internal controls/choices actually--that reflect who we are and what we stand for. Sure we must develop boundaries and coping skills and safe, growing places, but if we expect others to provide this for us we are rather bankrupt from the start.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

TheDudeLebowski said:


> You can achieve all those things and be miserable through the entire experience as well. Or have those fleeting moments of happiness during peak experiences only to lead a tedious and mundane life otherwise. Then you become focused on chasing those moments and are consumed by the hunt for those "tangible" moments as you call them.
> 
> Conversely, you can find happiness in your day to day life.
> Dropping your kids off at school every day and walking them to the door. In your daily commute listening to some great music or a podcast that you like. To a job you don't particularly care for, but enjoy the laughs you share with your co-workers and the new challenges and experiences your work day brings. The drive home, again more music and podcasts jamming out in your car or listening to a good e-book. To the grocery store to pick up items for dinner and home to cook. Sitting down with your family and enjoying a meal you just made for them. Watching a show together on the couch, pet your dogs and cats. Then tuck into bed for the night. Wake up and do it all over again. You could also do all of that stuff I just said and be downright suicidal all throughout your day.
> ...


Now we just appear to be debating semantics. To me what you describe as "happiness" is simply contentment. Appreciating the everyday things in your life. When someone is in the moment, enjoying the smell of their coffee, feeling the warmth of a shirt after it's been in the dryer, appreciating the light turning green before they get to it etc, these moments people might not necessarily mean they feel they can shout to the world they are "happy". They might also step in a puddle, splash coffee on themselves, forget to buy milk and have to go back out in the rain. It's all just momentary.

Moments of fleeting feelings do not necessarily reflect the overall state of being, as you say, however having goals, feeling that those goals are worthwhile and meaningful and focusing on moving towards something you value is what I think of as focusing on climate as opposed to weather. While appreciating small things and living in a mindful way is definitely important I think, having a direction/goal/purpose/meaning for your life is what gets you through the moments when you don't feel like you can appreciate what you just experienced.


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## Luminous (Jan 14, 2018)

Happiness seems like a peak, whereas contentment is the healthy positive 'average'. 

Many people seek the 'peak', and forget to appreciate that contentment can be far longer lasting.

As has been mentioned before, appreciating the small, everyday things can bring about a greater awareness of self, and in turn contentment, and at certain points, indeed happiness.

Not paying too much attention to things that you cannot control, or have no influence on (i.e. social media, news etc.) can greatly assist in that.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*I greatly adhere to the sound logic of our great 16th President, Abraham Lincoln, who said, with due regard to the subject of happiness:

"Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be"*


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

AliceA said:


> Happiness feels like an illusion. Much the same as love. Two people come together and focus on each other's positive attributes, how that person makes them feel special, "happy", until that person stops putting in the effort to make them feel special. Then the negative aspects that were always there become harder to make excuses for and harder to ignore. The compatibility of their personalities, their willingness to work on their negative thought patterns and behaviours individually then determines whether that relationship will last. This illusive concept of love really just boils down to each person's personality and capacity for growth, and determination to keep their promise to themselves, the other person, and if they have them, their children, not some mysterious feeling that they think links them that has just as mysteriously faded into nothing.
> 
> The same for happiness. It feels like we're expected to strive for and keep these fleeting feelings that come from various interactions or experiences, however nothing lasts. It's like trying to hold water in your hands. It's like constantly searching for the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.
> 
> It feels like we should strive for something more tangible. To make a difference to someone else's life, to earn that degree that means you can apply for the job you want, to create security for your children and provide them with opportunities, to visit that place you've always wanted to see, to experience the feeling of accomplishment from climbing that mountain. These are tangible and real. What is happiness?


Well said!!


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

arbitrator said:


> *I greatly adhere to the sound logic of our great 16th President, Abraham Lincoln, who said, with due regard to the subject of happiness:
> 
> "Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be"*


 I wonder if that was before or after he made up his mind to hang 38 innocent Indians or sign off on genocide ala Sherman in the South. That's some pretty ****ed up stuff to decide to be happy about.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

To the op, I disagree. Try real gratitude for a little while and see what happens.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

In my own personal experience, those moments when I've been most unhappy in my life (not including the depression after the birth of my 2nd child, because I'm not exactly sure if that was due to my life, postnatal depression or both), was when I didn't feel like I was working towards achieving any of my own personal goals. At that point even what those goals were was obscured, however I definitely knew I wasn't heading in the right direction. I think we can deal with that as long as the road we are on is lined with people who still appreciate what we are doing, otherwise, what are we doing? However, combine feelings of wasted potential, lack of direction or purpose with people around you who don't appreciate what you have done and are doing, and you have one very isolated and depressed individual. Note that I'm saying these are the *only* reasons for depression.

People say it's all about just choosing to be happy right now. Appreciate that you woke up this morning. I say it's not that easy, because if it was, you could turn to that terribly depressed person standing there and say, "just choose to be happy!" and voila, they're 'fixed'. Like throwing a bandage on a sore filled with flesh eating bacteria. Really all you're doing is saying you don't want to look at it, please cover it up.

We have to start seeing that it's not *just* about being mindful and in the moment, though they are important skills to teach and learn, we need to look at the bigger picture. Do they feel valued, if not why not? What would help them feel valued? It may not just be about them individually, but about their culture and feelings of connection.

As for doing it for ourselves, what are we doing right now that is working towards our bigger picture (to be "happy", or what I prefer to think of as feeling valued and connected)? Examples: Can we just decide to appreciate that we have a job we don't want, or should we be focusing on what steps we could be taking to find a job we do want? Or don't let yourself be completely subsumed into your next relationship; you matter too! Personally I think that way too many women do this.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

MutualRespect said:


> Quest for Happiness
> 
> I read somewhere recently (source currently unknown) that the quest for happiness could be better understood in terms of what people are really searching for most in life which, in this author's opinion, was to be "useful".
> 
> ...


I don't think happy is the normal default human frame of mind. To me the thinking that it should be is Disney thinking. Better to strive for being content.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

The subject of what makes people happy has always been a topic of interest to me. I’ve discovered as an adult that happiness does come from within, which is governed by one’s attitude.

For me, happiness has never been about stuff or chasing the dollar. Oddly enough, most people would agree with that, yet, they do a lot more chasing and have a lot more stuff than I have. It’s about not worrying about keeping up with the Jones and just doing what truly makes you happy. 

I’ve often said that my default setting is happiness. If there were a happy-meter that could be hooked to a person, it would show true happiness with me. When I wake up in the morning, unless some tragedy has occurred, I’m happy. That doesn’t mean that it’s expressed by constantly grinning from ear to ear, and bouncing off the wall all the time, but there is a deep contentment and happiness that is always there. I’ve noticed that others have to work at being happy. The things I enjoy most in life is a peaceful, drama free living with some simple pleasures here and there. 

As for this “purpose” thing, I’m sure everyone’s brain is wired differently. We all have a place in life. Although I am educated on paper, I’ve never felt like I would be the one to discover the cure for a dreaded disease or be president one day. My purpose has been closer to home. I feel it was my purpose to do my best to raise my children properly, and I am a teacher who has helped students with disabilities for 25 years. I don’t have this constant urge to “do” every waking moment. I can actually just enjoy my surroundings. 

It would probably be easy to fall into the trap of living life like everyone else does and feel like I need a lot of stuff to be happy, but since I’m past that, being happy seems easier all the time. If my life isn’t as sparkly as some like, I really don’t care. It pleases me just fine. i think we make happiness way too complicated by comparing it to others.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

2ntnuf said:


> To the op, I disagree. Try real gratitude for a little while and see what happens.


I like this but might adjust the "real" for "honest".

I've learned happiness is a direct balance of desire and ignorance (knowledge)... nurture it with knowing your needs and how they shape your behaviors without clinging to the happiness that rewards or punishes too greatly and you will find gratitude and contentment in most all you do.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

Rubix Cubed said:


> I wonder if that was before or after he made up his mind to hang 38 innocent Indians or sign off on genocide ala Sherman in the South. *That's some pretty ****ed up stuff to decide to be happy about.*


Similar to people who are pro choice


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

AliceA said:


> In my own personal experience, those moments when I've been most unhappy in my life (not including the depression after the birth of my 2nd child, because I'm not exactly sure if that was due to my life, postnatal depression or both), was when I didn't feel like I was working towards achieving any of my own personal goals. At that point even what those goals were was obscured, however I definitely knew I wasn't heading in the right direction. I think we can deal with that as long as the road we are on is lined with people who still appreciate what we are doing, otherwise, what are we doing? However, combine feelings of wasted potential, lack of direction or purpose with people around you who don't appreciate what you have done and are doing, and you have one very isolated and depressed individual. Note that I'm saying these are the *only* reasons for depression.
> 
> People say it's all about just choosing to be happy right now. Appreciate that you woke up this morning. I say it's not that easy, because if it was, you could turn to that terribly depressed person standing there and say, "just choose to be happy!" and voila, they're 'fixed'. Like throwing a bandage on a sore filled with flesh eating bacteria. Really all you're doing is saying you don't want to look at it, please cover it up.
> 
> ...


Well, first off, depression, in almost all cases is a form of a disease. A mental disorder. Any of us can get it, esp situational depression. That is really common. 

So a depressed person, has a medical, mental, problem that may in fact prevent actual happiness. 

So I think you have to take that part out of the equation. 

Happiness, is a state of mind, and some say it is a general outlook in life. 

Situations, make me happy and unhappy. People can do that to an extent. 

But internal happiness is what I strive for. I don't achieve it all the time, but overall in this point of my life, I am happy. 

My children are grown, my career is winding down to an extent, and I may start a new one in a few years. 

Or, I might do many things. Now you should not depend on people to make you happy, and I don't, but my relationship with my GF makes me happy. 

For me, I like to be loved, and the love we have makes me feel happy. But, if it ended while I would be sad for a while, eventually I would be happy again. 

To me, having my bills paid, money in the bank, my kids being ok, my relationship... all of these things make me feel happy to an extent, but they themselves are not "happiness". 

Some say that happiness is a fleeting feeling, and it could be. Some people need goals and purpose to be happy. 

To me, I am about my happiness, and I have not always been that way... 

But now, I am thankful for ever day, happy to spend time with my kids or GF, or whoever, but none of that IS MY happiness. 

That is a lot of rambling, and I am not sure it even addresses the question...


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Emerging Buddhist said:


> I like this but might adjust the "real" for "honest".
> 
> I've learned happiness is a direct balance of desire and ignorance (knowledge)... nurture it with knowing your needs and how they shape your behaviors without clinging to the happiness that rewards or punishes too greatly and you will find gratitude and contentment in most all you do.


What does happiness even mean?
Is being on a roller coaster at a theme park,just coming to the first big drop happiness,or is that excitement and what’s the difference anyway?
And how long will that happiness/excitement last if you were on the ride for eight hours.
Is getting your first bj as a young man happiness?
Or your first orgasm?
What about the first time you buy a new car,is that happiness?
Is buying your first house a time to be happy or should you actually be worried about the years of paying off your mortgage that you face?
The day my daughter was born was the happiest day of my life.Should I keep having children because it made me so happy?
I was happy the day I got married (still am lol) but I’m not going to do it again.Should I be sad because I’ll never feel like that again?
In some third world countries if people get a meal every day then they will be happy,should this be an acceptable situation in any country of the world.
My feeling is this, if you aren’t unhappy at any given moment then you’re doing well.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Emerging Buddhist said:


> I like this but might adjust the "real" for "honest".
> 
> I've learned happiness is a direct balance of desire and ignorance (knowledge)... nurture it with knowing your needs and how they shape your behaviors without clinging to the happiness that rewards or punishes too greatly and you will find gratitude and contentment in most all you do.


I'm suggesting starting with gratitude.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

2ntnuf said:


> I'm suggesting starting with gratitude.


So true... being thankful for the simplest things is a wonderful way to look at where your life is in general.

Happiness may be often overthought, to much importance for many when it is often offered a process of simple acceptance of "this is where I am". It may sound funny, but accepting unhappiness is often part of the process of being happy.

Much less now, but during my most challenging moments when I am struggling with unhappiness I always remember to be kind first because no matter what, I know happy will be just around the corner and the fastest way to bring it back is to be kind in all things.

You can imagine then that when I am happy in general and use kindness, unhappiness has much less a place to take root and is no more than a lesson afterthought that says "pay attention to what you have just learned".

So for me, happiness is the willingness to accept the present knowing there is a lesson in everything.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

This has been an interesting thread and one that I'm pleased to see gaining some traction. I've been giving this a lot of thought over the holidays and as the new year dawns, and I want to add my own two cents.

The first thing I'd mention is that I think many people think of "happiness" as this BIG thing...like feeling a large amount of pleasure all the time...so they pursue "feeling happy" if there is even the slightest lack of pleasure in their lives, and they pursue others who "make them feel happy" as if it is an external thing that some other human can cause for them. In my experience, happiness is not a big explosion nor an eternally burning flame of pleasure, but rather it's small and somewhat quiet, and in order to actually feel it and notice it, a person needs to slow way down and pay attention! Rather than being a shooting star that never burns out, happiness is much more like an ember at the end of a fire--it can be amazingly hot, but it's just sort of there and warm and glowing. 

Happiness is not the absence of sorrow--in fact they often live side-by-side and occur at exactly the same time because a lot of life has aspects of both happiness and adversity at the same time. 

So to pursue happiness, I would say a lot of it has to do with training your mind and then acting. It's not an emotion, but much like love, happiness comes from thoughts that are exercised via actions. If you look at what everyone else has and are dissatisfied and ungrateful, you will be thinking unhappy thoughts and you'll feeling jealous and covet what you don't have...which leads to actions to pursue what you don't have! But if you look at happiness as a lifetime of training your mind which changes your thoughts and lead then to actions of enrichment of not only YOUR life but lives around you...why then you are happy and pursuing happiness!!

I'm pretty Aristotlean in my thoughts about happiness. I do think that pursuing happiness is achieved by exercising virtue (and thus a lifetime pursuit, not just a one-time arrival), but Aristotle was funny. He said cultivating virtue was done via maintaining The Mean--but boy if you look more closely at that concept, tell me that isn't the same idea as the Buddhist Middle Path! Essentially, the idea is that virtue is found in the middle of two extremes (the two extremes being vices). So as an example, one extreme/vice might be giving all your money to the TV preacher---the other extreme/vice might be no charity at all...and The Mean would be the virtue of being a charitable, giving, sharing person who gives of their time and money wisely. Get the idea? We pursue happiness by cultivating virtues such as courage, justice, patience, and charity, and EXERCISING the virtues. It's not enough to think about them, or intend to do them or "be that way"...we have to actually do something! And the virtues are relative to each individual, in that my "middle path" of charity may by XYZ for me, and you might define it as ABC for you (not that virtue is relative but rather that an athlete might exercise 4 hours a day and that's appropriate for their mean...but 1 hour a day is appropriate for a non-athlete). 

So looking at my own self and my own life, I don't feel a volcanic eruption of "happiness" every minute of every day because happiness isn't pleasure. If I don't feel that volcanic eruption, I don't look to others to supply that for me, but rather I think about my own thoughts, my own actions, and my true inner core values. Am I pursuing those? Am I reflecting those in my thoughts and actions? If I'm not, what do I need to do differently? Am I off the middle or what? Am I looking at what others have? Am I exercising gratitude? Am I sitting on my butt and need to stop thinking and start doing? 

I think living like that results in a life of happiness, no matter what circumstances may come along.


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