# The dog is ruining my marriage.



## KissZippo (Nov 12, 2014)

A quick preface: I am not an animal lover. Don't get me wrong, I'm not cruel to animals, I don't hunt, I don't kick the dogs, etc. But animals just don't give me any joy whatsoever, other than going to the zoo from time to time to admire them from time to time. But as far as having pets, I'm extremely apathetic toward them (though I still split responsibility), since I just can't fake happiness toward them like my wife does (since she treats them like they're her biological children).

So my wife has these two dogs she got years ago with her ex (an animal lover), and got incredibly attached to them. Like, insane attached. How attached? Well, when they broke up and she got her belongings from his house, she stole the dogs. She's never made much money, and these dogs have been an expense on her that she's never been able to afford. She's insanely credited them for getting her through emotional hard times, and is relatively nutty about them in many regards.

Some of her antics are that she refuses to sleep away from the dogs, and she's had them brought up to where they sleep on the bed. She's otherwise careless with them, in terms of her responsibility with them when I'm not home, so while they'll be fed, I can expect the carpet to be soiled many times over because she's not on top of them. Instead of scolding them when they act up, she talks to them as if they can reason the words that come out of her mouth. She refuses to discipline them (like sending them to their crates) when they act up.

So anyway, one of the dogs is cool. The other one is strangely _human_. I'm not kidding, it's like something out of a horror movie. The damn dog gives me the creeps. If the dog acts up, and knows that I'm going to send it to the crate, it will soil itself just to piss me off. It follows my wife to the bathroom, because it can't stand to be away from her for more than 10 seconds. One time, my wife went out of town while we were living apart, and I took care of the dogs. However, I don't allow them to sleep on the bed, so I blocked off access so that the dog wouldn't jump on it. What does it do? Poop.

We just got an overpriced townhome together, and it's very nice. It's our first place together, and it was a lot of trouble to obtain, let alone keep, since we've fallen on harder times. The deal was that the dogs would not be allowed in the master bedroom upstairs, and my wife welched on that. That they'd be walked regularly, but my wife welched on that one too. The house smells like dog, the carpet is ruined already, and we can't go 3 days without the same stupid dog going to the bathroom somewhere inside. 

So now that I've grounded the dogs for peeing on the carpet after I cleaned the entire house, my wife refuses to sleep in the bedroom (she'll sleep on the couch in the living room). When they're upstairs, she keeps the collars on, so she can hear while they jingle around all night as I try and fall asleep for work. She HAS to be in the same room with them, and since the master bedroom doesn't have a door, she barricades it every single night with junk so that the dogs can't go anywhere (even though they won't).

I've tried everything, and it's clear that the dogs come first. I've simply had it, since my house is ruined, my marriage is in constant disagreement, and I'm at the end of my wits all because of the disobedient dog, and my wife's infatuation with it.

And please, real suggestions, tips, and advice. I'm already married to the President of the Adopted Dog Cult, so I know all the rules of the manifesto they're forced to memorize that essentially makes me wrong, cruel, inhumane, and a cross of Hitler and Pol Pot because I believe in treating a dog like a dog, and not an adopted child.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

This is who you married. It's not as if she surprised you with her devotion to the animal world. Getting rid of the dogs is probably out of the question. Even if you could get her to buy into the idea she'd despise you forever. It's not the dog's fault that you are having difficult financial times or that you bought an overpriced home. The dog doesn't soil the carpet to piss you off, regardless of how you feel about it. The dog soils because it's not being adequately trained or walked. It's not as if he can let himself out.
I've got a dog rescuer wife, too and she's at least as insane about animals as your wife is. We currently have four dogs and a bunny (but I've been at work a few hours. Who knows?) 
Probably the easiest thing for you to do is go to dog training with your wife. Dogs are pack animals and thrive in a peaceful pack. Like it or not you are in the pack. You can be the leader or they will. You won't like it when they assume the leader position. Your wife needs this training, too. Dogs sleep where the pack leader tells them and they go relieve themselves when the pack leader says (within reason). The better everyone gets along the sooner you will develop your own relationship with the dogs. If your wife is to feel valued, she has to believe you care about the things that are important to her. Those things happen to have tails and paws in your case. Life is a lot easier when your wife feels valued. Make her your adversary, there are millions of ways for her to make your life difficult.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

The dogs need professional training. 

Some people are dog people, some people are not. That's not right or wrong, it's just a fact.

I assume you knew she had the dogs before your relationship with her began. When you got married, did you have a discussion as to your expectations as far as care for the dogs?

I would suggest leaving the Poop for her to clean up, but frankly I couldn't live with poop on the floor you probably can't either.

At the end of the day, if it comes down to you or the dogs, you will know who she will choose.

ETA: unbelievable's post above hits the nail on the head. Follow what he says.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RV9 (Sep 29, 2014)

Dogs need trainer. Wife needs divorce.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

KissZippo said:


> A quick preface: I am not an animal lover. Don't get me wrong, I'm not cruel to animals, I don't hunt, I don't kick the dogs, etc. But animals just don't give me any joy whatsoever, other than going to the zoo from time to time to admire them from time to time. But as far as having pets, I'm extremely apathetic toward them (though I still split responsibility), since I just can't fake happiness toward them like my wife does (since she treats them like they're her biological children).
> 
> 
> 
> So my wife has these two dogs she got years ago with her ex (an animal lover), and got incredibly attached to them. Like, insane attached. How attached? Well, when they broke up and she got her belongings from his house, she stole the dogs. She's never made much money, and these dogs have been an expense on her that she's never been able to afford. She's insanely credited them for getting her through emotional hard times, and is relatively nutty about them in many regards.


SO basically she was an avid animal lover before you married her and now you have issues with it? 
Also, you sound really condescending when you speak about her crediting her emotional recovery through hard times to them. A lot of people make it through the day a little less sad,lonely,and stressed because of their pets.It's not insane and it's not abnormal. It's actually scientifically proven that animals help with stress by lowering our blood pressure and giving us purpose. 



KissZippo said:


> Some of her antics are that she refuses to sleep away from the dogs, and she's had them brought up to where they sleep on the bed. She's otherwise careless with them, in terms of her responsibility with them when I'm not home, so while they'll be fed, I can expect the carpet to be soiled many times over because she's not on top of them. Instead of scolding them when they act up, she talks to them as if they can reason the words that come out of her mouth. She refuses to discipline them (like sending them to their crates) when they act up.


I don't agree with people who think it's good to co-sleep with their pets. I've read too many studies where it shows people get less deep sleep when sleeping with their pets than people who don't sleep with their pets. 
Obviously she needs to be trained on how to properly care for dogs and how to properly train her dogs. There is absolutely no reason for carpet to be soiled. This isn't just hurting or bothering you...it's actually not good for the dogs to have this severe lack of leadership and routine.



KissZippo said:


> So anyway, one of the dogs is cool. The other one is strangely _human_. I'm not kidding, it's like something out of a horror movie. The damn dog gives me the creeps. If the dog acts up, and knows that I'm going to send it to the crate, it will soil itself just to piss me off. It follows my wife to the bathroom, because it can't stand to be away from her for more than 10 seconds. One time, my wife went out of town while we were living apart, and I took care of the dogs. However, I don't allow them to sleep on the bed, so I blocked off access so that the dog wouldn't jump on it. What does it do? Poop.


Assigning human qualities to a dog is not a good idea because then you start to resent them when they misbehave feeling as though they should know better. These dogs are craving leadership in their pack. Simple as that. It didn't poo on the floor to get back at you or any other human reason. Dogs have anxiety when their routines change and evacuating their bowels is a potential result of anxiety. It isn't done for malicious reasons. 


KissZippo said:


> We just got an overpriced townhome together, and it's very nice. It's our first place together, and it was a lot of trouble to obtain, let alone keep, since we've fallen on harder times. The deal was that the dogs would not be allowed in the master bedroom upstairs, and my wife welched on that. That they'd be walked regularly, but my wife welched on that one too. The house smells like dog, the carpet is ruined already, and we can't go 3 days without the same stupid dog going to the bathroom somewhere inside.
> 
> So now that I've grounded the dogs for peeing on the carpet after I cleaned the entire house, my wife refuses to sleep in the bedroom (she'll sleep on the couch in the living room). When they're upstairs, she keeps the collars on, so she can hear while they jingle around all night as I try and fall asleep for work. She HAS to be in the same room with them, and since the master bedroom doesn't have a door, she barricades it every single night with junk so that the dogs can't go anywhere (even though they won't).
> 
> ...


Actually I think you're both in the wrong. Neither one of you knows anything about caring for a dog. You're attributing human reasoning and qualities to a dog which is building your resentment(which the dog can sense) and she's a piss poor pack leader. BOTH of you need to get your hands on some literature regarding proper routine establishment,boundaries,and pack order. 
I'm part of the "adopted dog cult" as you refer to it and my home is pristine,my dogs are perfectly behaved,and there is absolutely no tension stemming from my love for them. It's ALL about what the HUMAN is doing. Even when I have a foster,natural pack order falls into place and they quickly pick up the routine with minimal issues. You have to learn this stuff though.Most people aren't born just KNOWING how to get their dog to be amazing.

These dogs aren't bad dogs...you're looking at the wrong end of the leash here. Grounding the dog? really? you guys have a LOT of learning to do. BOTH of you.

It might be helpful to tackle this issue as a united front rather than a "her dogs and her" vs "husband" situation. Take some training classes,read what you can about establishing pack order and boundaries. Utilize crates as a sanctuary and NOT for punishment. If you put in the effort and stay positive and consistent, the dogs will improve.

You may even surprise yourself and find that you develop an affection for the dogs once they are in order and your wife begins seeing the light of how good boundaries and training can be for everyone.


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## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

unbelievable said:


> This is who you married. It's not as if she surprised you with her devotion to the animal world. Getting rid of the dogs is probably out of the question. Even if you could get her to buy into the idea she'd despise you forever. It's not the dog's fault that you are having difficult financial times or that you bought an overpriced home. The dog doesn't soil the carpet to piss you off, regardless of how you feel about it. The dog soils because it's not being adequately trained or walked. It's not as if he can let himself out.
> I've got a dog rescuer wife, too and she's at least as insane about animals as your wife is. We currently have four dogs and a bunny (but I've been at work a few hours. Who knows?)
> Probably the easiest thing for you to do is go to dog training with your wife. Dogs are pack animals and thrive in a peaceful pack. Like it or not you are in the pack. You can be the leader or they will. You won't like it when they assume the leader position. Your wife needs this training, too. Dogs sleep where the pack leader tells them and they go relieve themselves when the pack leader says (within reason). The better everyone gets along the sooner you will develop your own relationship with the dogs. If your wife is to feel valued, she has to believe you care about the things that are important to her. Those things happen to have tails and paws in your case. Life is a lot easier when your wife feels valued. Make her your adversary, there are millions of ways for her to make your life difficult.


:iagree:

I've been training dogs & competing in obedience & conformation events for years. Your wife is a huge problem with the dogs, she lets them run the show. Like unbelievable said, you need to get a dog trainer like yesterday. Dog trainers not only help you train your dog, but they help train YOU. Treating dogs like they are your children is a recipe for disaster, it can send mixed messages to your dogs as to who is actually alpha.

Get a trainer, get some crates, & get your wife on board ASAP.


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## sparkyjim (Sep 22, 2012)

To the OP.

Read ScarletBegonias post about ten times....

and then read it again.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Dogs not house trained. Wife doesn't think this is a problem, you do. 

Google "humanely house trained" 

Dogs sleeping on the bed...bad idea! Google "resource guarding"

You are just as badly informed as your wife with regard to canine behavior.

Dog do not have human emotion. They do not urinate or deficate to "get back at you." The use their bodily waste to communicate submission and or dominance. When a dog pees in front of you, that is submission. That is also fear. You've got too heavy a hand for that particular and dog and Youre scaring the piss out of her/him, literally. Google "Submissive urination in dogs" also Google "scent marking in dogs"

Here's the bottom line. Neither of you have the faintest clue how to keep dogs. Once you are both on the same page and you both know what to do, things will go much smoother.


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

Unfortunately, when it comes to the dogs, your wife is the problem, and seems incapable of establishing and maintaining boundaries for them. The dogs will respond, but the training and treatment needs to be consistent. Without this, they will run the house, and act basically like spoiled children, and will take and do what they will get away with. Ive been there. Everybody will be happier, when the dogs have learned their boundaries.

I'm with you though, the dogs being allowed to relieve themselves in the house will drive me crazy.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

unbelievable;10921002[B said:


> ]This is who you married.[/B] It's not as if she surprised you with her devotion to the animal world. Getting rid of the dogs is probably out of the question. Even if you could get her to buy into the idea she'd despise you forever. It's not the dog's fault that you are having difficult financial times or that you bought an overpriced home. The dog doesn't soil the carpet to piss you off, regardless of how you feel about it. The dog soils because it's not being adequately trained or walked. It's not as if he can let himself out.
> I've got a dog rescuer wife, too and she's at least as insane about animals as your wife is. We currently have four dogs and a bunny (but I've been at work a few hours. Who knows?)
> Probably the easiest thing for you to do is go to dog training with your wife. Dogs are pack animals and thrive in a peaceful pack. Like it or not you are in the pack. You can be the leader or they will. You won't like it when they assume the leader position. Your wife needs this training, too. Dogs sleep where the pack leader tells them and they go relieve themselves when the pack leader says (within reason). The better everyone gets along the sooner you will develop your own relationship with the dogs. If your wife is to feel valued, she has to believe you care about the things that are important to her. Those things happen to have tails and paws in your case. Life is a lot easier when your wife feels valued. Make her your adversary, there are millions of ways for her to make your life difficult.


This is the best line. You knew this, it bothered you and now you married into it? I like animals but they need boundrys. I don't know that you can turn this around now at all. How old are the dogs? If they are older maybe just wait it out. If not then keep trying to tell you wife how you feel. About all you can do.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Sometimes you just have to love your spouse and accept a few things like dogs. For me...it is two crazy parrots. Messy, loud and unfriendly. I put up with them. Wife takes care of the birds. I pick my battles. The birds is not one battle I chose to stake my claim.


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## KissZippo (Nov 12, 2014)

You dog nerds are truly something else with your "Kill all humans so the dogs can live" mentality. I'm not threatening to give the dogs up, nor am I threatening to kill them, I was simply asking for advice on how to deal with a 6 year old dog that acts like it's never lived in a house before, and is causing problems in my marriage as a result.

Yes, I married my wife who had two dogs, one of which doesn't behave. You know what I used to do when I was living on my own? Watch football all Sunday long, plastered on the couch for 9 uninterrupted hours, in my underwear, eating a bowl of cereal. I'd play video games loud as hell until 3am on a work night, because I only need 3 hours of sleep to get by. I'd have the girl friends my wife hates over. I'd burp and fart. I'd use the bathroom with the door open. My favorite of them all? I'd smoke in the house. No mosquitoes in the summer, no freezing my ass off in the winter. Want to know how many of those liberties I brought into the marriage? None.

I understand that "I married into them", but that doesn't mean that I should be forced to put up with all of my wife's habits that she developed when she was either living alone, or with her ex (who would feed the dogs at the table, allow them on the bed and furniture, etc.). I never stated that I blame the dogs for any of the hardships that I'm facing at the moment, the point of stating that was that we have what we have with a lot of sacrifice, and just because we have dogs, doesn't mean that we have to live like them. We had dogs growing up, and they were never allowed on the beds and couches. They wouldn't go to the bathroom inside the house. They wouldn't beg incessantly at the dinner table, and they wouldn't whine for hours because they weren't within my dad's (their favorite) reach. We didn't take them to training, we just made them behave.

Like I said earlier, the dog is strangely human, with characteristics of spite and jealousy. The reason for them being crated overnight as of late isn't because she soiled the house out of neglect, because I had just walked her 5 minutes prior after I had fed her (she had pooped and peed). When my wife went outside to smoke, I wanted to join, so I told the dogs to get into the crate. The other dog is obedient, and went in. The other dog got on the couch, and I had to go around the table to get her. She got off the couch, and peed on the spot. That's spite, not negligence. But maybe I just kicked the hornets nest here, since divorce, ignorance, and neglect seem to be the buzz words in this thread.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

A lot of people advised for you to look into getting the dog into obedience training. 

Good luck man!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Get your wife and thee to a dog trainer and get that chip off your shoulder. These posters offered you sound, usable advise and you pissed on them. Who's untrained?


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## KissZippo (Nov 12, 2014)

ScarletBegonias said:


> SO basically she was an avid animal lover before you married her and now you have issues with it?
> Also, you sound really condescending when you speak about her crediting her emotional recovery through hard times to them. A lot of people make it through the day a little less sad,lonely,and stressed because of their pets.It's not insane and it's not abnormal. It's actually scientifically proven that animals help with stress by lowering our blood pressure and giving us purpose.
> 
> 
> ...


I've tried everything I can possibly afford to try at the moment. My career requires me to be on the move (though recently business has slowed down), so I haven't had the luxury of time to be as hands on as I want to be. The notion of animals isn't as foreign to me, since like I said in my previous post, I had dogs growing up, with none of the problems that I'm having now. 

Other than that, my family breeds horses, so that's my only other experience with animals. But as a result, I'm disciplined when it comes to them. I feed them 2 meals a day, at the exact same time every day. I come home first, and before I change clothes, I walk them. A few hours later, I will feed them, and walk them again. Then, depending on how late we stay up, I will walk them once or twice more (or maybe a 3rd time, if we're staying late). If I wake in the middle of the night, I will walk them again. I expect pee on the regular, while pooping is after meals (unless they have to go again on a subsequent walk). Routine has been one of my better efforts.

But like others have stated, my wife is an awful "pack leader". The dog in question is extremely dominant, and my wife makes no effort in establishing herself as #1. If the dog is barking, she tries to shush it with a library "shh". If the dog soils the carpet, she looks for excuses. She can't even walk the dog, because that same dog has anger issues, and will yank my wife 15 yards at the sight of another person/dog/cat/anything with a pulse. My wife will assume responsibility, rather than taking a more proactive stance in realizing that the dog is troublesome, and maybe we should seek solutions. When she goes to her parents house and sees their dog, her inner dog nerd comes out, and she can't help herself to feed the dog at the dinner table, pull it onto the couch, and give the dog food he shouldn't have, all of which aren't allowed in that household.

All I really want are boundaries and a respectable house. I hate having my family (with allergies) over, because the couches are covered in fur and dander. I hate how the dog whines, begs, and barks when people are over. I usually sleep in the guest bedroom overnight, because while the dogs have the luxury of not seeing their crate as punishment/sanctuary, I resort to that bedroom as my punishment and sanctuary. Why? Because I hate having dog fur in my eyelids every night, and I hate picking out rock hard dog dander boogers out of my nose every morning. My ears have been irritated since we've been living together, and my skin has gone bad. Like I said, boundaries.

But according to this thread, we're the pets. We're paying their rent. We're living in their house.


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## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

KissZippo said:


> But according to this thread, we're the pets. We're paying their rent. We're living in their house.


Unfortunately, this will be your truth until your wife is on board with you 100%.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

"That's spite, not negligence. But maybe I just kicked the hornets nest here, since divorce, ignorance, and neglect seem to be the buzz words in this thread."

No it's not spite! Dogs Dont do spite, DONT aren't passive aggressive. Dogs live every second in the moment!

Your dog peed because she was showing you her submission thinking you were about to kill her.

Quite complaining and learn!


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

How long have you been married? How long ago did you buy your place? 

You've taught your wife that you accept things the way they are, and will fall for her promises. The only thing you have control over is what you're willing to tolerate. My advice... Start figuring out how to extract yourself from the situation. Your only hope is for your wife to realize that getting this under control is an honest to god deal breaker for you, as she needs to buy into any solution as much as you do. Without her buy-in, you're doomed to more of the same. 

This isn't an issue with the dogs, IMHO. It's an issue with your wife. 

C


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

I think you should get rid of the dogs, as in getting someone to adopt them.

You two are clueless about dogs and are utterly unhappy with them.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

*Re: Re: The dog is ruining my marriage.*



michzz said:


> I think you should get rid of the dogs, as in getting someone to adopt them.
> 
> You two are clueless about dogs and are utterly unhappy with them.


The dogs aren't his to get rid of... 

C


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

I feel sorry for you. And I feel sorry for your wife. I can imagine it's a miserable situation. But quit feeling like you are being attacked here, because you are not. Not all animals lovers are "adpot nazis" or whatever it was that you called us. (Yes, I am definitely an animal lover!)

But my house doesn't smell like dog. I don't like the dogs on the furniture or on my bed. It's been a loooooooooooong time since any of them messed in the house. Your wife is probably to blame for a lot of the poor doggie behavior, but your frustrations are clouding the simple fact that dogs are DOGS. Even bad doggie is not doing these things to spite you, as everyone has pointed out. 

You don't have to like the dogs, but they need to behave. Like has been stated, your wife HAS to be on board, she has to be willing to educate herself on the issue, she HAS to be willing to admit that she doesn't know it all about dogs and dog behavior because she is a lot of the problem. But so are you. It's ok to admit you are in over your head about something. Being a self proclaimed non-animal lover, it's certainly not going to be natural to you.

You mentioned your family raised horses. So you know that horses need to be trained in order to not kill someone. Dogs need to be trained to not be awful dogs. ANY dog can be trained. But it NEEDS to be trained. Call in Ceasar Milan if you must (I don't know if the show charges for services or not) but you have to accept that YOU AND HER both have to work on this issue.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

michzz said:


> I think you should get rid of the dogs, as in getting someone to adopt them.
> 
> You two are clueless about dogs and are utterly unhappy with them.





PBear said:


> The dogs aren't his to get rid of...
> 
> C


"You" as in the family.

If the actual owner is not willing to do it, I'd have a line in the sand moment.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Wife needs a trainer - and divorce the dogs.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

*Re: Re: The dog is ruining my marriage.*



michzz said:


> "You" as in the family.
> 
> If the actual owner is not willing to do it, I'd have a line in the sand moment.


Personally, I would have drawn a line in the sand awhile ago, and definitely before buying into a nice new place. 

My SO moved in with her two dogs a couple months ago. Like the OP, I had dogs as a kid, so while it wasn't all new to me, I maybe don't have the best grasp of how to modify their behaviour, when problems cropped up in the transition. But unlike the OP, I can depend on my SO to work with me to fix things. 

I've also become the primary dog walker and feeder, but that's just been the way things have worked out. My SO does dishes and cooks more in the evenings, plus I'd rather she doesn't go out alone in my neighbourhood after dark, so I'm going out for a walk anyway. 

Good luck, OP! 

C


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

KissZippo said:


> You dog nerds are truly something else with your "Kill all humans so the dogs can live" mentality. I'm not threatening to give the dogs up, nor am I threatening to kill them, I was simply asking for advice on how to deal with a 6 year old dog that acts like it's never lived in a house before, and is causing problems in my marriage as a result.
> 
> Yes, I married my wife who had two dogs, one of which doesn't behave. You know what I used to do when I was living on my own? Watch football all Sunday long, plastered on the couch for 9 uninterrupted hours, in my underwear, eating a bowl of cereal. I'd play video games loud as hell until 3am on a work night, because I only need 3 hours of sleep to get by. I'd have the girl friends my wife hates over. I'd burp and fart. I'd use the bathroom with the door open. My favorite of them all? I'd smoke in the house. No mosquitoes in the summer, no freezing my ass off in the winter. Want to know how many of those liberties I brought into the marriage? None.
> 
> ...


The problem with asking for advise is that you often get it. You're offended when you do? Dogs aren't born believing that you are just naturally their boss because you're human. If a dog doesn't obey you it's because you haven't established yourself as their pack leader. That's your fault, not their's. Whether you wish to (or have to) engage with dogs, you have to learn how a dog thinks and communicates, what motivates them, and you work within that realm. Your marriage certificate or mortgage means nothing to them. The pack is everything to a dog. For their wild cousins, it means life or death. Calm and assertive energy gets the job done, but frantic, unpredictable energy is unacceptable in a pack. You don't even have to say or do anything to communicate that sort of energy to your dogs. Nobody is suggesting that humans need to be killed but humans who decide to bring animals into their home (or marry one who comes with animals) need to learn what the hell they are doing or there will be constant conflict until dogs get euthanized or people get divorced. Little humans don't raise themselves to be decent humans and dogs can't train themselves to behave as their human owners want. The dog you believe soils the carpet to piss you off would very likely die before leaving you or your wife unguarded. Neither of those dogs asked to be brought into the human world. 
Some dog lovers can be pretty far out there. I fear your wife is in that group. They have the desire but not the training. If you and your wife don't get on the same page and show some consistency, raising kids won't be any easier than dealing with the dogs. Kids and dogs both like predictable routines and they both will act out if there is confusion about the rules or unpredictable enforcement.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Interesting that she prefers sleeping on the couch with her dogs than with you. That in itself would be it for me. DH loves cats and when we first got together his was used to sleeping on the bed. It would drive me insane as she'd lick and scratch and move around and this would make it impossible for me to sleep. I kicked her out of the bedroom for good. If he'd gone and slept out on the couch with her, I'd have moved back into my own place. Chow baby. BTW, I had nothing against his cat, I thought she was great. There are certain things in my relationship however that are crossing boundaries for me and that's sleeping in separate beds. Absolutely not, ever.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

KissZippo said:


> I've tried everything I can possibly afford to try at the moment. My career requires me to be on the move (though recently business has slowed down), so I haven't had the luxury of time to be as hands on as I want to be. The notion of animals isn't as foreign to me, since like I said in my previous post, I had dogs growing up, with none of the problems that I'm having now.
> 
> Other than that, my family breeds horses, so that's my only other experience with animals. But as a result, I'm disciplined when it comes to them. I feed them 2 meals a day, at the exact same time every day. I come home first, and before I change clothes, I walk them. A few hours later, I will feed them, and walk them again. Then, depending on how late we stay up, I will walk them once or twice more (or maybe a 3rd time, if we're staying late). If I wake in the middle of the night, I will walk them again. I expect pee on the regular, while pooping is after meals (unless they have to go again on a subsequent walk). Routine has been one of my better efforts.
> 
> ...



Then create it... why are you waiting on her to do it?

You are leaving your power laying all over the floor and whining that it's laying there. But YOU are the one who put it there. Now pick it up off the floor and get the situation handled. You are a grown man, but when I read your posts I hear some serious whining going on.

Geeze... come on.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

Ever heard that saying "There's no such thing as a bad dog, just a bad owner." ??

Well, yea.

This is such a basic incompatibility between you and your wife, I honestly wonder how you made it to the altar. 

I came into my relationship with two cats. H wasn't an animal person. I told him, we come as a package deal or this isn't going to work between us. He could have walked away. I didn't need him to fall in love with them. Just be normal and not hateful to them. If we were together for years and all of a sudden he snapped and said he couldn't take it anymore, I would have to show him the door. Sorry bud. It's not about humanizing animals, it's about the commitment I made to take care of them. For me that is a life commitment for as long as they are around. My H accepts that. But I do understand that there are people out there who would label me a psycho for drawing that line.

Obedience training. You both attend. Tell your wife if she doesn't buy into it and do what the trainer says, it's not going to work. It's not fair to the dogs to let them become a nuisance. If they go to a shelter they will end up passed right back to the shelter time and time again if no one takes the time to train them and work with them. 

Animals are not humans. You seem to humanize them by saying they have some kind of emotional process similar to a human. They don't know spite or revenge. They know fear. They know confusion. They seek order and when there is none they turn to chaos. They are built instinctually to work and perform a function within their group. Without that they are bored, restless, and turn to destruction. 

Good luck.


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

Zippo - I'm no dog lover either, but your primary problem isn't the dogs.

You complain that the dogs poop and she doesn't discipline them. But, your wife welches on your agreements and you don't discipline her. (Not suggesting you send her to a wife-crate).

The dogs exploit you wife's weakness and she exploits yours. How do you expect her to do something you can't do yourself?

Start with getting her to clear up after them. Then ensure she sticks to your agreement. If she HAS to sleep in the same room as the smelly furballs, fine,, but that'll be the spare room or the sofa.

I don't even want to get into her overboard pampering of the pooches,, but you need to start leading by example. Since your wife seems to be part dog herself, could be they're all in need of a pack leader.

Time to step up, Zippo.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## antechomai (Oct 4, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> Dog do not have human emotion. They do not urinate or deficate to "get back at you." The use their bodily waste to communicate submission and or dominance. When a dog pees in front of you, that is submission. That is also fear. You've got too heavy a hand for that particular and dog and You're scaring the piss out of her/him, literally. Google "Submissive urination in dogs" also Google "scent marking in dogs"


My Ex did this to a half Lab/Pointer mix she thought the kids needed. If I corrected the dogs behavior, no problem. If my wife told her to "sit," the (female) would pee on the floor.
The day I had to take her to an adoption kennel the dog was next to me, and pointing at the roadside, two Pheasants. 
(I'm not a hunter so it didn't matter)
You really have to train yourself to your pets breed and temperament.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

KissZippo said:


> She can't even walk the dog, because that same dog has anger issues


Dogs don't have anger issues.

When it comes to understanding dog behavior you're about as ignorant as they come.

If you do nothing else, learn.

You have received excellent advice on this thread but you are ignoring most of it because it's not what you were expecting to hear.

Truth is, the dogs are probably the least of your problems, sure they don't respect their owners, but your wife doesn't respect YOU.

And that's a big problem.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Almost all dog problems are because owners are insecure and anthropomorphize their dogs. Not only aren't hounds people they don't have human thoughts or emotions. Really they don't. They have thoughts and emotions just not human ones. Dog ones. People who treat animals like people aren't doing the animals any favors. It's confusing to them and typically bad for them. The only meaningful exceptions are when an owner inherits an animal that's been routinely abused, neglected, harmed, tortured, etc. Then they have an animal that's somewhat like a person in terms of PTSD, fear, aggression and so on. But on the whole, if your pets do bad things it's because you let them, encourage them even. Or you're afraid of them and you allow them to make you enable them.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

antechomai said:


> If my wife told her to "sit," the (female) would pee on the floor.


That's not aggression it's fear and submission. dogs can't be trained to do anything by fear and submission they have to want to do the right thing as you interpret that for them.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

"She can't even walk the dog, because that same dog has anger issues"

Like Lenzi said, anger is a human thing, not a dog thing. Dogs behave aggressively to establish dominance, out of fear, to protect the pack, to hunt, or because someone in authority trains them to. 
If your wife walks the dog but can't control his aggression, she hasn't established control. The dog is either confused about who is in charge or about what is a threat. A well trained dog on a walk with his master will show aggression only when the master gives the command to or if the master is attacked.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

KissZippo said:


> You dog nerds are truly something else with your "Kill all humans so the dogs can live" mentality.


This statement is a gross exaggeration of the feedback you are getting here. That's something to think about.

Not one person on this thread has taken the stance you accuse them of.

You have received very sounds advice. Maybe you and your wife could start watching the Cesar Millan show. He's a very good dog and people trainer. You both could learn a lot from his show and web site.

http://www.cesarsway.com/

You might want to consider swapping out that carpet for tile. I'll never have carpet with pets. I have 3 large dogs that are very well trained, go out on their own to do their business. But they still have accidents once in a blue moon. Tile is much easier to clean up and disinfect.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Your dog isn't ruining your marriage. 

Your WIFE who lets the dog poop in your home is ruining your marriage. Your WIFE who insists and even blocks the dogs IN the bedroom against your wishes is ruining the marriage. 

BOTH of you not seeking professional help are ruining the marriage. If she will not get onboard with the dog training, then insist on marriage counseling. This is not insurmountable, but you both will have to compromise to make it work.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

The dogs are not the problem. Your wife is.

Her letting the dogs foul the floors is a disrespect (and a big F U) to both you and your home. Yuck.

Hubby and I have 3 dogs and 3 cats who came with me when I moved in. We also have a bunny who came afterwards - she sleeps in our lounge in a little nighthouse and goes outside during the day. The dogs come and go as they please through the pet door. 

Our house is spotless. Your dogs run the house, and that is NOT their fault. If they've never been taught properly to go outside to pee and poop, they're not going to know any better - they're DOGS.

Sort your wife out and the dogs will fix themselves.


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

*Re: Re: The dog is ruining my marriage.*



intheory said:


> I'm the kind of person who dogsits; and the owners' say "Don't let BonBon sleep on the bed or couch with you", and I do!! It's terrible


So, you circumvent the rules of the pack leader while dog sitting for them.

If you ever did that with my dogs, you wouldn't like my reaction. I have wolf hybrids, actual wolf hybrids as in f1/f2 hybrids (meaning they are more wolf than domesticated dog).

My dogs do not sleep on the beds because it is a territorial claiming behavior. They are not allowed on furniture except two designated chairs they have been trained that are theirs.

Circumventing pack leader rules causes problems in the pack. You are undoing what those pack leaders have taught their pack members.

To OP, if she isn't willing (and she isn't) to be the pack leader you are going to have to pull up your socks and be the proper pack leader they need.

Hitting a dog only creates fear, fear creates aggressive fear based behaviors (starts with cowering and shaking, submissive rolling over, pissing themselves or fear urinating/defecation then turns into growling, nipping and outright biting, lunge attacks)

For dogs any behavior is a successful behavior unless we correct or redirect to another more appropriate pack behavior. Sh!tting on the floor to them is simply a successful sh!tting (relief of biological function, doesn't matter where).

A pack leader teaches the pack not to sh!t where the pack "hunts" and eats.

NEVER free feed dogs (a bowl of food they can keep going back to all day/night). It isn't how a wild pack behaves.

Control the food, control the pack. The pack leader always eats first before the rest of the pack. Teach those dogs wait and leave it commands. This allows you to control the food. My boys also sit before fed and I don't have to command them to sit verbally either.

Get a dog trainer or start you tubing Milan (dog whisperer) and command feed training (sit, wait, leave it).

Leash train those dogs too, if they tug, change directions during the walk without saying anything, a dog has a small attention span, redirection is your friend.

Research, research, research. Training can vary according to breed of dog as well. Can't stress enough about tempering dog training according to breed of dog. All breeds have different breed specific skills. Research, research, research.

If she can't get on board (because it does have to be a team effort) then you have two options, draw your line in the sand and tell her get on board or rehome the dogs or alternative is you could leave the relationship if you like.

Good luck, you are going to need it.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

CantePe said:


> So, you circumvent the rules of the pack leader while dog sitting for them.
> 
> If you ever did that with my dogs, you wouldn't like my reaction. I have wolf hybrids, actual wolf hybrids as in f1/f2 hybrids (meaning they are more wolf than domesticated dog).
> 
> ...


Quoted for truth... my sentiments exactly :iagree:

Quit whining.. Be the REASONABLE Leader you need to be for your home life. Your lack of leadership in this situation is a *huge* problem.

And for CantePe to successfully live with wolf hybrids, means this person KNOWS 1st hand what info will help you.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

intheory said:


> I'm the kind of person who dogsits; and the owners' say "Don't let BonBon sleep on the bed or couch with you", and I do!!
> 
> 
> CantePe said:
> ...


Yeah, real nice. You don't agree with the rules the dog owners have created, just break them! 



CantePe said:


> Circumventing pack leader rules causes problems in the pack. You are undoing what those pack leaders have taught their pack members.


It's also creating inconsistency. Dogs need consistency. Otherwise they get confused and stressed. 



CantePe said:


> To OP, if she isn't willing (and she isn't) to be the pack leader you are going to have to pull up your socks and be the proper pack leader they need.


Yes. It's a tough job but someone's gotta do it otherwise it's anarchy in the overpriced townhouse! 



CantePe said:


> For dogs any behavior is a successful behavior unless we correct or redirect to another more appropriate pack behavior.


In other words, dogs learn to do what works. Unless they're instructed differently they'll continue to do the same thing over and over again until and unless they come up with a reason to do it differently. 



CantePe said:


> A pack leader teaches the pack not to sh!t where the pack "hunts" and eats.


Dogs tend to avoid crapping where they live, it's instinctive. Which is why crate training is used to teach housebreaking. Unfortunately if a dog isn't trained well they come up with the the idea that it's actually ok to crap "near" to where they eat and sleep which could be the living room, or the basement, or whatever. 



CantePe said:


> NEVER free feed dogs (a bowl of food they can keep going back to all day/night). It isn't how a wild pack behaves.


Don't agree with this one. My dog feeds and drinks from automated dispensers, the food and water is always available to her and she does fine with it; and it's less work for me.


CantePe said:


> Leash train those dogs too, if they tug, change directions during the walk without saying anything, a dog has a small attention span, redirection is your friend.


With dogs that pull, a prong collar is your friend too.


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## thenub (Oct 3, 2014)

Google Dr. Ian Dunbar. This guy knows dogs and how to train them. I have a 2 1/2 year old bull mastiff Rotweiller cross. I got him at just 4weeks old. He slept in a travel kennel in our laundry room every night. He would have the odd accident during the night but learned from repetition. Every morning as soon as I got up I would put him outside for 15-20 min. Once he could climb the stairs I would open the laundry room door(he was too big for the kennel by then) and he would head right for the door to go out. He has always slept in the laundry room and always will. As soon as he hears me put my phone on the charger at night he will go straight into "his" room and lay down. I don't even have to tell him, it's just automatic. 
As said previously, you and your wife have to become the pack leaders. Dogs are very smart and they will be always looking to please you.


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## SailBadTheSinner (Apr 7, 2014)

Call your vet and make an appointment and have both dogs euthanized. They'll be happier. You'll be happier. Your wife, maybe not so much, but three outa four is good. Oh, Have the carpets steam cleaned.


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## MysticTeenager (Aug 13, 2013)

Can I just start off by saying that i am a dog person an d I absolutely love dogs, but your wife is being over the top. 

All marriages need compromises and I think you should compromise and accept that your wife will not get rid of the dogs. However, she should compromise too and accept that you are not a dog person and that is who she married and she should try and respect that. Like someone said, the dog needs training. It is disgusting to have a dog constantly poop all around your home. It is also perfectly reasonable to not want the dogs to sleep with you. If she lived alone then fine, but you are both married and sharing a bed is a big part of that, I believe.

If you have tried many different ways to reason with her, I think you should put your foot down, put down these rules and say if she breaks the rules, you are out. It isnt worth it.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

SailBadTheSinner said:


> Call your vet and make an appointment and have both dogs euthanized. They'll be happier.


How can a dead dog be happy?


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## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

I think the OP is never coming back to this thread!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

JustTired said:


> I think the OP is never coming back to this thread!


I agree. He did not get what he wanted I guess.


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

*Re: Re: The dog is ruining my marriage.*



lenzi said:


> Yeah, real nice. You don't agree with the rules the dog owners have created, just break them!
> 
> 
> 
> ...


To the free feeding vs controlled feeding, I should be more specific and say it depends on the breed.

Wolf hybrids, bad idea to free feed because they are closer to wild than domestic. I can concede that it doesn't always fit the dog or breed. I shouldn't say never.

For prong collars, I don't believe in them. They are physically harmful to the dog. I've witnessed accidental puncture wounds with prong collars. If, as a last resort you need a custom collar use a fabric choke collar (one of my boys has the personality that needs it, one doesn't. My old boy used to be a sled dog, still knows his commands for sledding)

Not every training method works for every individual dog our house hold. The biggest thing is being a strong, calm and assertive pack leader without having to resort to physical punishment to be that pack leader the dogs need.

My hybrids have taught me patience, temperance and to live in the moment (dogs live in the moment and have no concept of future tense or past tense - only the present moment).


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

JustTired said:


> I think the OP is never coming back to this thread!


I agree. But what a great dog-training thread!!


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## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

happy as a clam said:


> I agree. But what a great dog-training thread!!


So true!!! :smthumbup:


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

CantePe said:


> My hybrids have taught me patience, temperance and to live in the moment (*dogs live in the moment and have no concept of future tense or past tense - only the present moment*).


I get confused about this statement (in bold).

If this is so, then how does training work?

Isn't training the application of learned, past behavior?


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

CantePe said:


> To the free feeding vs controlled feeding, I should be more specific and say it depends on the breed.


That's fair. My dog is a hound dog/beagle mix. About as far away as wild as you can possibly get.



CantePe said:


> For prong collars, I don't believe in them. They are physically harmful to the dog. I've witnessed accidental puncture wounds with prong collars


My dog gets excited on walks and tends to pull. I've read articles that talk about tracheal damage from regular collars when dogs pull forcefully. Once the prong collar goes on, she's like a different dog. She doesn't pull, she doesn't get hurt, and there's no damage.


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

I love that this thread has led to a great discussion on dog training. It will be here for others who are looking for help.

I almost didn't reply to this thread because I always get the aren't you afraid wolf hybrids are dangerous comments when people find out I have them.

I have had full pedigree domestic dogs in the past...some breeds are a freaking nightmare and have always found hybrids to be even tempered and of course I don't leave them (or any animal, let alone dog) unsupervised with other animals or children.

You have to be real damn diligent with dogs. I've seen a dog, no history of attacks, come after someone suddenly. Its all about body language and emotional intelligence with dogs (aka the emotional vibe you are putting out in the environment to the dog. They read us really well because they don't have spoken language and they've been doing body language as a species a hell of a lot longer than us humans).


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

CantePe said:


> For prong collars, I don't believe in them. They are physically harmful to the dog. I've witnessed accidental puncture wounds with prong collars.





lenzi said:


> My dog gets excited on walks and tends to pull. I've read articles that talk about tracheal damage from regular collars when dogs pull forcefully. Once the prong collar goes on, she's like a different dog. She doesn't pull, she doesn't get hurt, and there's no damage.


I know some people like them for training purposes, but I'm not a big fan of prong collars either. I've always used well-fitting harnesses on my dogs (no collar to press on the trachea) and train them to heel.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Aren't you afraid that wolf hybrids are dangerous?


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

KissZippo said:


> The other dog got on the couch, and I had to go around the table to get her. She got off the couch, and peed on the spot. That's spite, not negligence.


Thats not spite. Dont dont spite. That was out of fear. She is very afraid of you. Dogs dont do well in these situations. What you want ot do is catch them doing good things and reward them.

Right now it sounds like neither of you are on the same page. If you have kids it will be just as bad.

Get some books, agree to a rules set and a routine for the dogs and thing swill get much better in a few months.

Pick your battles. Carefully. 

Right now the best thing that can happen is if the two of you negotiate a routine and a consistent rule set. That way the dogs can predict what will happen and will settle into their routine.

I cant imagine my life without a dog.
They are a continual source of love and allow me to express the same love I do for my children.

I have this Shih-Tzu Maltese mix right now. Thinks he is gods gift to gaurd dogs. 
Is he a pain sometimes? Yes.
Does he take his job very seriously because he love me and my family?
Damn Skippy.

Once you have the love of a dog, then you have a really great friend. You get that love by providing for them and showing consistent behavior.

Same thing with kids.
Think of it as a practice run...


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

CantePe said:


> I love that this thread has led to a great discussion on dog training. It will be here for others who are looking for help.
> 
> I almost didn't reply to this thread because I always get the aren't you afraid wolf hybrids are dangerous comments when people find out I have them.
> 
> ...


:iagree: Yep


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

*Re: Re: The dog is ruining my marriage.*



Almostrecovered said:


> Aren't you afraid that wolf hybrids are dangerous?


AR you are a riot. I've been dealing with wolf hybrids for over a decade. I am however afraid of coyote hybrids. That is a personal experience I have posted on here before about.

I won't ever trust a coyote hybrid again. Quick run down, a friend of mine hid bite history from me about the dog and its extreme distaste for children. Told me it had never bitten anyone ever.

Turns out it was not the truth, that her sibling would leave the dog chained up in the backyard with only scraps to eat from puppyhood on, his children and neighbor hood children would torture the dog by throwing rocks at him all the time.

He had bitten a small child twice and my youngest daughter became his second child bite victim. Right at my feet, right in front of me with supervision.

She is lucky she didn't lose her eyes (it was close) and no parent should ever have to witness their 7 year old hallucinate under ketamine sedation like that for stitches. She still bears the physical scars of that incident and I will forever bear the guilt of allowing that to happen to her.

Even well versed dog owners can have something happen, dog bites are a preventable tragedy.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

is Wolf Hybrid another way of saying WEREWOLF?!!


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

michzz said:


> I get confused about this statement (in bold).
> 
> If this is so, then how does training work?
> 
> Isn't training the application of learned, past behavior?


Good question.
My guess is that any learning, especially if reinforced regularly, is stored in some brain place near the instincts department.

The old 'you never forget how to ride a bike' seems handy. If you've not ridden one for years, you don,t have to recall the past/learning to remember how to ride it.

Nor do you ask "WTF is that thing?". You know it's a bike. Past installment - current knowledge.

Who knows?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

*Re: Re: The dog is ruining my marriage.*



michzz said:


> I get confused about this statement (in bold).
> 
> If this is so, then how does training work?
> 
> Isn't training the application of learned, past behavior?


It is confusing isn't it. Training is a repetition of a desired behavioral outcome. Yes, dogs live in the moment that is why training must always be ongoing, for their entire lives and not just for one environment.

Ever notice a dog that has been trained indoors, in say a living room behaves beautifully in that living room but goes ape sh!t at the dog park? Or even just nuts while on leash walking?

They have been trained for that living room, have learned the cognitive/emotional connections for that living room but doesn't associate it to that dog park or leash outside.

Its like cognitive behavioral therapy for humans. It changes the way our human brain is hardwired to accept a new set of acceptable behaviors for one given set of environmental situation/place.

Does that make sense? Basically the new trained behavior replaces the old unacceptable behavior through repetition in that given environment in the now.


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