# I've fallen for my best friend



## englishguy80 (Jul 25, 2010)

Hi,

I've used this forum to help me get through a marriage break up where my wife cheated on me. And for that I am very thankful, also I am now happier than I have been for a long time.

OK where do I start.

I have know my best friend (female) for 11 years now, I knew her because she started dating my male best friend then. They dated for 5 years, then sadly he died of bowel cancer at the age of 25.

Since then we have been close, when my marriage ended about 6 months ago she was there for me giving me so much support. I've always liked her from a distance if that makes sense, I was aware that I had strange feelings for her even when I was married which as a result our relationship was always a "buddy buddy" type of friendship (like a best male friend).

She also dated one of my other best friends for a year about 2 years ago, but that relationship was a bit of a train wreck. 

She started dating someone about a month after my marriage ended and I found myself feeling a strange kind of jealousy that I didn't quite understand, but I just brushed it off and was glad that she was happy. Well that relationship ended about a month ago very badly, he hurt her badly and she seemed (probably still is) very much in love with him. The guy was verging on abusive, so it in my opinion was a lucky escape for her.

Well over the last few weeks we have been spending a lot of time together, we talk about things we never talked about before (sex, want we want in relationships), generally really emotionally leaning on one another. 

And over the last week I have realised I have very very strong feelings for her, feelings I want to shut out of my head because it just makes life too complicated. Its complicated because of the enture history that we have together, and what makes it even worse is over the last couple of weeks she has refered to me as her best friend. 

My gut says she has feelings for me, sometimes the way she looks at me, flirts with me, little touches (when she is a very withdrawn person). She is so guarded that she has such a hard time talking about her feelings. When we were both drunk a few days ago I decided to try and probe her a little, one I mentioned that I prefered blondes (a little bit of banter) when she has her hair dyed black. She looked a bit hurt by this and grabbed a bit of her hair and looked at it (she is actually naturally blonde.

I also mentioned that my sister wants us to get together (we have joked about similar things in the past), she said well it makes sense but it would be to wierd. She also said that in her opinion I should be setting my sights higher than her. Now I am an attactive guy, and she has very low self esteem at the moment (she is a gorgous lady). I don't know whether it was her way of saying "not interested" or some kind of game. 

When I am with her I find myself closing up a little, I can't flirt with her because I can't take that leap and put myself out there because I'm scared of both her not feeling the same and the other ruining our friendship. So if she is interested, I'm probably not making it that obvious that I am.

I don't know what to do, I want to be with her but at the same time if I knew she didn't feel the same I would not want to ruin the friendship that we have. Arrrgghh.

Any advise would be appreciated, and thank you for listening.


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## TotoWeRNotInKansasAnymore (Apr 7, 2011)

Be very cautious. You are both in emotionally vulnerable positions right now. (e.g., your marriage recently ending, her relationship with guy whom she was dating ended.) Having friends of the opposite gender are very beneficial throughout life. However once you cross that friendship line over to the relationship/dating side, there is no going back to the friendship you once had. Things just change. 

Be very certain before making a jump like that. Be very analyzing of the situation. What are the odds a romantic relationship will work for each of you right now. If the odds are not stacked in both of your favors, the likelihood of ruining a good friendship is quite possible.

I have walked in your shoes, but from the female side of it. You may want to take a break from each other. Even if just a few weeks. It could reveal that those emotions which you (and her) are feeling is more of a “my favorite security blanket” feeling.


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## englishguy80 (Jul 25, 2010)

Thanks for the advise.

Well its been 5 days since I've seen her and I'm finding it hard to get her out of my head. 

I have genuine feelings for her, and I wish I didn't. It doesn't help when other people tell me how good we would be together.

In terms of us as a couple I think it could be very good, but I don't want to risk ruining a friendship.

So I don't know what to do.


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## TotoWeRNotInKansasAnymore (Apr 7, 2011)

englishguy80 said:


> It doesn't help when other people tell me how good we would be together.


I’m discovering that when you and another individual of the opposite sex accompany each other in doing things, people will automatically assume the two of you are a couple. (e.g.; “Oh you two make a lovely couple,” statements are made. Oh yeah …… and the “Your husband ……” or “Your wife …..” ) A few guy friends and myself have even jokingly went along when those insinuations are made. 



englishguy80 said:


> In terms of us as a couple I think it could be very good, but I don't want to risk ruining a friendship.


Obviously the two of you share certain things in common other than what a dating type relationships encompasses. The two of you would not be “just hanging out” together then. That’s not a bad thing.

My suggestion would be to have a serious conversation as to what it is she wants from and can also bring to a long term relationship. You offer the same about your wants and what you could bring into a relationship. You could initiate this conversation with more of a "your next (long term)relationship" point of view. This could be a rather intense Q & A session, but it might be necessary if you’re hoping not to lose a close friend by taking a half thought out chance (emotionally speaking) at a romantic relationship. You can even wait to dissect all those answers during some alone time. It will help to realize how compatible both of your desires and wants in a relationship are.

I hope all my babbling makes sense. I know what a complicated situation it is. Probably why the advise so is complicated to type out. LOL!!!


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## Edge (Mar 30, 2011)

I have been in a similar situation (without the divorce and such). Around 10 years ago I asked a girl out. We went out on one date and she said not interested. She liked me but not in that way so why not just be friends. Like a normal guy I said sure never expecting to really be friends. For the next 10 years we were best friends. We did everything together but it was strictly platonic. Over the years I asked her out a couple of times and she always turned me down.

Moving closer the present last year I was nearly finished with school (I just earned a PhD). I had given up dating her and was satisfied being her friend. I had begun talking about plans for after school and the probability that I would be moving away. She called me last April and gave me the shock of my life. She wanted to know if I had considered being more than friends. As I had considered that every day for nearly 10 years I said yes. Long story short in September we will have been married for one year. It can work out sometimes. Just make sure if you do this you give it your all and know if it does not work out you will likely lose your best friend. For me there was no choice. I could not turn down the chance and I don't regret my decision at all.


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## TotoWeRNotInKansasAnymore (Apr 7, 2011)

Edge ~ Now those are the stories everyone enjoys hearing about.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

EnglishGuy, maybe you need better timing, but if you have fallen in love with her, then it will only hurt any future woman you meet. You think your wife will be comfortable with that. 

Frankly, I don't think married people should have best friends of the opposite sex. That is a slippery slope ! Even when you date, that can be sticky, whoever you share a bed with SHOULD BE your best friend -always , or something is screwed up. 



I got the PERFECT ice breaker for you -when you feel the time is right --rent & watch this together >> Amazon.com: Just Friends: Ryan Reynolds, Amy Smart, Anna Faris, Chris Klein, Chris Marquette, Giacomo Beltrami, Fred Ewanuick, Amy Matysio, Julie Hagerty, Wendy Anderson, Barry Flatman, Devyn Burant, Roger Kumble, Bill Johnson, Cale Boyter, Chris Ben 

This will set the stage for you to ask how she feels about dating a friend -YOU ! 

If you have fallen, lets face it -you will NOT be able to remain friends when she moves on anyway to another man, dont let her slip through your fingers. Some things are WORTH the risk! Life is too short!


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## englishguy80 (Jul 25, 2010)

Thanks everyone for the great advice, I will reply in more detail when I'm in front of my computer.

SimplyAmorous, you've hit the nail on the head. I would feel very uncomfortable starting any form of relationship with another women when I feel like this about her. So my two options in my head were tell her everything or distance myself from her for good.

If I distance myself then I will never know, and your right some things are worth risking.


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