# I need another perspective



## Workingwifemama (Apr 19, 2016)

I've been married for 6 years. When we got engaged I asked my husband to quit the job he hated to follow his dreams because I didn't want a miserable spouse who hates their job. I'm a business owner and I took care of all the financial things. He tried businesses, tried to go back to school and all the while I worked and took care of everything. We now have a 3 years old. He has finally settled on being a day trader. We've spent a lot of money for him to learn this craft and he's still learning. He hasn't been able to earn a real income yet. I work part time and keep my child during the day so that he can trade from home. 4-5 days a week I wake up at 6 feed her get her ready to either do outside activities, or a open my business and run around until about 12. I come home, make dinner early and head off to work at 2:30 until i get off at 9 pm. I'm tired and my husband complains that I don't give him energetic sex. 
Here's are the issues. #1, My husband wants to be the breadwinner, but since I am, he also wants a domestic wife. So I'm to be a seductress in the bedroom regularly, cook and clean regularly, and be a mother and entrepreneur. Is that even possible? When I'm driving to work at 2:30 pm while he and the baby are taking naps, I have to keep myself from falling asleep at wheel some days. #2, I have other dreams and passions related to growing my business and doing some other things that I love , but because they cost money to start he's against me doing them. He feels that I just need to continue waiting for him to start earning all this money, then at that time I can do other things. Meanwhile in seeing opportunities pass me by. When I do press the issue it puts considerable strains on our marriage. He wants me to keep this same routine , take care of the house Etc. Until he gets going. When I try and pursue anything outside of that, he says it disrupts things and that's the reason his business isn't thriving. So when i pursue my dreams, it damages is ability to be successful. I've been doing this since 2009. I'm at my breaking point. It seems like he uses any reason to say that I'm the reason for his failings. Yesterday he made s bad trade and he blamed me for not making him breakfast and therefore he couldn't concentrate. Or if I ask him to watch our child on a sunday so that I can work some extra hours, he'll say that's why the trade went bad, because he didn't have enough time to study. I'm trying here. It's not as if I'm hanging out or spending money of extravagant shoes. I'm looking to re invest in my business. He doesn't respect what i do or bring to the table. He feel that it's ok for now, but what he's doing reigns supreme and I need to forget about my goals and rally around him 100%. Just work toward seeing his business flourish and drop everything else. I truly believe that he's insecure about his place in life right now, I think he's disappointed in himself and he chooses to take it out on me because I'm here. I also feel like he's jealous of the success I've had In my business, and in some way wants to make sure that I know who's in charge. 
What do you guys think about this? How do I make this marriage work? I don't disrespect him, he does all the yelling. I think he's angry. And this is what I DIDNT want! I wanted a happy spouse who was fulfilled in his life.


----------



## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
When only one person in a couple works, the other is expected to do an equivalent amount of chores around the house. When both work, chores should be split. Its never fair for one person to both work and be expected to do the chores.

Private businesses operated out of the home are a tricky one. Some are legitimate and the people involved are putting in real effort and making a real income. Others are sort of a sham: I have a friend who decided to quit his job and become a professional photographer. His wife supported him while he tried to grow a business. 10 YEARS later he still has never made a profit - to me that is completely unfair to her.

For work at home, I think there needs to be an agree-upon time limit, and a fairly short one. If the business isn't making money then it stops. 

Day trading is a special case - it really is NOT a business. Its just gambling, you can't consistently make money. 

He needs to get a real job, or take over the chores.


----------



## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Did you and he discuss how you would divide and balance chores and maintaining the household before you told him to quit the job that made him miserable? Some men expect their wives yo still take care of the majority of the homemaking in addition to working full-time. Some just don't understand how much home work their wives put in, and don't realize there's an imbalance. 

It sounds like your husband expects you to take care of him like his momma did, and that's REALLY unfair, and it's hurting your marriage. Not only that, but he is blameshifting when he faults you for his professional failures, and that's emotional abuse. 

You need to have a "Come to Jesus" talk with him. He needs to put on his big boy pants and take some responsibility for your homestead and for HIMSELF. He couldn't make a successful trade because you didn't make him BREAKFAST? That's bullsh!t. He is a grown man; he is responsible for his own successes and failures.

Sent from my SM-G900T using Tapatalk


----------



## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I think you need to put a percentage of your business profits back into your business. You need a business plan and timeline. You could look for an investor if you want cash faster, or wait until you build up capital. That's part of owning a business. Keep the additional funds in a business savings account that is completely separate from personal money.

As for you doing everything else, start to discuss sharing the household chores evenly with him. You also need to decide on how to deal with meals. If you're not going to make him breakfast, make sure he knows that is how it is before morning rocks around.


----------



## ryan2022 (May 2, 2016)

Ok, I'm a man, and can shed some light on this.

My wife and I are in a similar situation with our careers, and it's VERY hard on most guys to make significantly less money than our wives do. We are hard wired (think caveman days) to hunt kill and provide....it doesn't go away.

That being said it's 2016. I've become very aware that my demands on my wife have increased since I've been slightly underemployed. 

This is actually a fairly complex issue involving the male ego, and communication between you two. I have come to grips with the fact that if I want more from my wife, who is rocking it in her job, I have to change roles and expectations slightly.

I've begun to pick up more of the housework, I learned to cook, and take care of breakfast everyday and the dogs.

I would suggest to you man that you can entertain what he's after, but there are only so many hours in a day and something has to give.....it just does. Plain and simple.

I hope that helps!


----------



## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Day trader? Maybe he needs to consider getting a job that pays money. It's been 6 years since he had a job and earned any money.

Alternately, you have a business and are exhausted. Maybe he could be working with you on your business?

Currently, he's taking advantage of you while also criticizing you about housekeeping and blaming you/your child/need for child care on his failures to make anything of himself in 6 years, and asking you to put yourself on hold while you do everything he isn't doing. He needs a dose of reality.


----------



## ryan2022 (May 2, 2016)

In addition to my post above, he needs to dial back to emotional attacks.

I know where he's coming from, but he needs to fight the urge to throw you under the bus because his confidence has taken a beating.

Again, a lot of this comes from the insecurity that's caused by his lack of success.....NOT your success, if that makes sense.

It's been really hard on me not getting where I want to be, making literally less than half of what my wife makes and essentially being a stay at home husband.

I always like to take the guys point of view, but your husband needs to help you find a better balance, and support and encourage you if you're finding success. He really needs to stop blaming his lack of success on you.....it clearly isn't your fault. If his lousy trade had anything to do with your breakfast....man, you must make one heck of a breakfast!


----------



## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Workingwifemama said:


> I wanted a happy spouse who was fulfilled in his life.


This might be harder to find than you think. The business world treats people so badly these days the chances you will find someone who is "fulfilled" is close to zero. I think you need to drop that expectation, any guy is likely to absolutley hate his job.


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

I've never seen any evidence that being a day trader is any different than gambling. With the odds stacked against you.

Sub second trading, large money moves distorting the market, all kinds of things. You'd be better served getting a good financial advisor or just putting it in some good index funds and having him get a job. Otherwise it's really just pretending.

He'd probably back off in the bedroom too... Because he knows he's not really contributing, or going to, on his current path. And his ego is taking a bruising.


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Marduk is right. 

1. Day trading is exactly like gambling unless you have deep vertical market knowledge AND a network of people with real time market info
2. You also need big balls 

This job is a terrible fit for most folks.  They end up LOSING a lot of money. 




marduk said:


> I've never seen any evidence that being a day trader is any different than gambling. With the odds stacked against you.
> 
> Sub second trading, large money moves distorting the market, all kinds of things. You'd be better served getting a good financial advisor or just putting it in some good index funds and having him get a job. Otherwise it's really just pretending.
> 
> He'd probably back off in the bedroom too... Because he knows he's not really contributing, or going to, on his current path. And his ego is taking a bruising.


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

I do believe the stat that 9 out of 10 day traders lose money.




marduk said:


> I've never seen any evidence that being a day trader is any different than gambling. With the odds stacked against you.
> 
> Sub second trading, large money moves distorting the market, all kinds of things. You'd be better served getting a good financial advisor or just putting it in some good index funds and having him get a job. Otherwise it's really just pretending.
> 
> He'd probably back off in the bedroom too... Because he knows he's not really contributing, or going to, on his current path. And his ego is taking a bruising.


----------

