# Advice on marriage counselling?



## amber (Jul 14, 2008)

So, I think I am at the point now where I need to have marriage counselling. My husband, who is the one who cheated, suggusted it when we first were going through all of this. He appears to be very committed to getting our marriage on track. I wanted to avoid that whole route and just try and work things out between the two of us, but my emotional state is getting worse and I don't want to start having feelings of resentment towards him. I'm also 6.5 months pregnant...and I'd like to get my emotions as under balance as I can so I lessen the risk of suffering from Postpartum Depression. So I'm going to suck up my pride and speak to someone that can help us deal with is in the proper and healty way. 

*My question to any of you that has had marriage counselling is, did you ever worry that something said in a session would affect the outcome of the marriage? *

I don't want to go there looking for help and end off in a worse situation that I'm in already. Neither one of us wants our marriage to end. 

I don't think individual counselling is for me right now...my husband created this situation, and I feel that he needs to be present an active in helping to repair it. 

What are some of your experiences with counselling? Did you find it helpful?


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

hi, i can only tell you of my situation.
i have never had counselling, i have been with my current hubby for 13 years and we have been through alot, stil not at n e point thought of counselling.
but my hubbys latest quest caught me of guard on april 8/08.
he had a one night stand. 
i wont bore you with those details. 
but n e way, after a month i was thinking maybe i should have counselling on this issue. maybe i did need something.
i enquired about some local counsellor, but to be honest i cannot afford £25.00 per 1 hr sessions. id be bankrupt by the end of a week.
so i just continued my search and came across this forum, i have not started n e threads. i see it that i can talk through other ppls situations, that i have not needed to do this.
i dont believe i am a one to one person. thats why i think i wanted to reply to your email.
this forum has helped immensely.
but obviously it has to come from home. 
i believe that as you and your hubby are giving your marriage a go, you have already made the first start.
here is what i did.
obviously at the start it was awful. but i quickly realised that i did not want to row around my children. 
they became my priority. my hubby moved out . but were a couple that cant live with or without eachother. 
we went through tons of emotions. but this is normal. to me, everything you say, or how you feel is normal.
i agree with you and my hubby created my situation, so he has to earn his trust back.
if you really want your marriage to work, then you have to forgive. you wont forget and yes it wil come up again in the future. but again try not to row. 
your hubby has to be open. 
but i believe the more you talk about it, it wil never go away. but he also need to be there to support you when you feel down.
i am moving on. we both want it. 
i also agree with you that your hubby needs to present himself , but ppl react differently.
i.e my hubby just totally shut up shop, closed himself of from the whole issue, which made it difficult for me to deal with, because i needed an outlet.
but i think you wil find your own way on that.
we had already had a family holiday booked, and we had the best holiday ever. he was attentive and wanted his marriage to work.
back home he moved back in , but he went down hill again, but it was his emotions that he also had to deal with.
remember your hubby, my hubby could have at n e point lost their wife and children. we have 2 sons. 
the fruits of life could easily have gone sour. then he reminds himself of what he did and going to the clinic to get checked out. 
so unfortunately he has his own conscious feelings to deal with.
time wil help.
but and try to put this at the back of your mind. do not think about post natal depression.
i was concerned b 4 i was having my first child. probably around your time of pregnancy - but this is also a normal thought.
we do worry about things like post natal depression, because its a high topic of conversation. 
i really wouldnt think about it, the more you put pressure on yourself. the more you think your going to get it. its not contagious.
id concentrate on you and your hubby, just having a little time out before your baby is born. but at the same time enjoy your baby before he is born.
have a night out, meal. 
you need to both keep communicating. ask him how his day went.
go to the park for a walk, hold hands. touch eachother.
im sorry if i did not answer your direct question, but i felt that i could help in another way.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

I've had a counselor and my husband had one-but never together. Without going into the details my counselor did something i specifically asked her not to do. it was an unfortunate misunderstanding and i really liked her otherwise but i had to quit going. His counselor actually told him to hide his infidelity from me, which created an even bigger problem. 

Aside from the misunderstanding with my counselor i took away some very useful things. Counselors are human too and do make mistakes. The important thing is to remember what your standards are so that you dont allow a counselor to guide you down a path that could be very harmful to your relationship. If a counselor ever suggested i lie to my husband i would have told him to schedule himself a personal morality session and gotten a different counselor. Unfortunately my husband went against his common sense and listened to the guy. 

-lj


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

SOme are going to be better than others. So you need to find the right fit.

However, sometimes the bigger problems come from the fact that you might bury the truth and they dig it up making things worse in the short run but better in the long term. 

Councilors are kind of like a ref when needed, but to that end you might have to decide if you need them and what you need them for.

draconis


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Counselors are definately different! My husband and I began seeing a counselor together in April. However, we just weren't getting anywhere. My husband is the one who cheated, lied, and moved out. Yet, the counselor said he had a right to his privacy. The counselor said I was in the wrong for asking for transparency. The counselor said we had to work on my controling behavior. Well, since I'm the one hurting here, I decided to find myself another counselor. Things are going much better with her.

Good luck!


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## amber (Jul 14, 2008)

I don't think the counseller can "fix" our problems...I'm just hoping to gain some tools to help me better deal with the situation and help my husband gain a better understanding of the emtional struggle I face daily. 

I guess we just have to give it a try and see where it goes from there. 

Thanx to everyone who shared their experience.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

827Aug said:


> Yet, the counselor said he had a right to his privacy. The counselor said I was in the wrong for asking for transparency.


That's exactly what my HD's counselor told him! The nerve! I'd love to know what goes through their mind when they suggest something like that...


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Counseling can definitely help but you need to find the right one. My wife and I attended sessions for about 4 months last year. We discontinued when we felt the counselor had taken us as far as she could. If we resume we will seek some one new. Yes there is a chance that something said in the sessions could directly impact the marriage. That is what the sessions are for. Don’t be afraid of it. To get over an affair is extremely difficult and most couples need help with it I believe. Seek counsel for your marital health and your personal health and wellbeing. It will have an effect on your baby. Good luck.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

I sought counsel for myself, not marriage counseling. But I agree with Amp that there is a chance things may come out that make you feel worse. For me, counseling or not, I really had to decide what details I really wanted to know before I asked. It came down to me thinking until I know how he was feeling about me at the time and why I will not have all I need to make our marriage stronger. Most of what he said about her and us was very painful to hear but I honestly feel closer to him than I ever have and we are doing well. I made a choice to leave the past in the past and learn from it to help us move forward together. Not everyone can do this and it's not an easy route to take, but whatever you decide it's helpful to think about what is it that might come out that you would think would make things worse and work out for yourself what you would do in that case & decide from there if you can move on w/o knowing every detail or if you need to get all on the table before you can truely move forward.


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## amber (Jul 14, 2008)

My husband and I are going to give it a go...if it's not something that is working for us, we can always stop and look for another counsellor if the one we choose doesn't work out. 

Thank you for all your help.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Good for you. Good luck and give things time to heal. Best wishes.


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## honey28 (Aug 1, 2008)

My husband and I are in couples and individual counseling following a string of emotional affairs on his part. We are learning a lot about marriage, ourselves, and each other. We have also sought spiritual counseling at our church. Sometimes the sessions are hard, sometimes we get angry/hurt, etc... but in the end it helps b/c hearing & knowing the truth is always better than living a lie. Just make sure you go to a pro-marriage counselor who doesn't believe that an affair is the end of a marriage. Also, remember to take care of yourself and your unborn child. I know it is hard but this is and should be your number one priority.


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## happless (Jul 17, 2008)

I've been twice so far and everything said has been helpful. The counselor sort of helps as a mediator and often expounds on or explains why you have/had the certain feelings.


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## amber (Jul 14, 2008)

Yeah. I'm not looking for the counsellor to try and fix anything, I just want to learn the proper tools to deal with myself emotionally, and then try and mend the marriage. 

Things with my husband and I are okay at the moment. Mostly we have good days, every once and a while my emotions get the best of me and then we rehash things out a little. 

I haven't found a counsellor yet, I've been doing some research trying to find a counsellor that is going to help us both. It's hard...I don't just want to pick someone out of a phonebook...but what else can you do?


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Ask some close personal friends that might have used one.

draconis


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