# Starting over as a single mom…again. Seeking support



## Isabeldel (19 d ago)

Hello internet people, I really need a place to vent and get advice/support I don’t want to burden my friends and family too much during the holidays (though some of them are aware). I am the mom of 2, a 12 year old and a almost 10 month old baby. I have been with my current husband for a little over 6 years. My oldest daughter’s father was horrible to us (we were both active duty military). I left when my baby was a little older than 1 after he tried to do something very harmful. I’m being vague in purpose here in case there are people who could get triggered. After that event I ran like hell and never looked back. It was incredibly hard raising my daughter on my own (with alot of help from my parents). I also have chronic medical conditions that started a few months after my oldest was was born. I used my GI bill and went to night school for years and obtained higher education and have a relatively reliable profession/career. My ex husband has pretty much ghosted me and my daughter and only pays child support intermittently. I met my now husband after I finished college and started my career. Over the past 6 years we have had many highs and low. The lows were mostly from our emotional baggage. I have diagnosed PTSD and ADHD. I have spent a decade working on my mental health (therapy, psychiatry, classes). My mental health has been pretty stable for a long time but I work hard at it everyday and I take medication. I believe my husband also has major mental health issues (depression, trauma, irritability) He has only recently been diagnosed with “severe anxiety” after recently starting therapy for the first time. He is resistant to seeing a psychiatrist for medication and does not believe in mental health medications. We tried 1 session of couples therapy and it was a nightmare. We fought the whole time. Now he doesn’t want to go back and accuses me of manipulating the therapist against him and won’t see a new one because he says I’ll do the same thing again. In terms of parenting, he was always a great dad to my oldest and wanted to be a dad since he was young. He has raised her with me since she was 6. He also helped me become a better parent myself and brought a lot of stability, love and emotional support to our lives. When our new baby was born his “anxiety” skyrocketed. (Side note: the pregnancy was full of complications and was incredibly physically difficult for me. The birth was also pretty traumatic due to medical complications. Baby is fine now!). After her birth, when she was around 3-4 months old he started to become increasingly irritable, critical and what I feel has escalated to possible verbal/emotional abuse to my oldest daughter and I. How this comes off is, he goes on frequent/daily long rants where he critiques, criticizes, complains about EVERYTHING. The state of the house, us wasting food, Amazon purchases, us not cooking enough, things not being organized, how we spend our time, me using controlled medications (recently due to illness i’ll get to that), not watching the baby close enough. He freaks out any time the baby falls or bonks herself on something. Our baby is super big, strong and smart. She’s already walking at 9.5 months. She gets into everything and is extremely active so she bonks herself allll the time, there’s only so much you can do to keep her contained. Even we she is contained she’s high energy and very playful so falls happen a lot. In terms of his behavior changing/worsening, he doesn’t usually take accountability for how his actions affect us. He completely disagrees that he has any ptsd symptoms, sometimes he acknowledges he has depression (he frequently talks about how miserable he is with us, not the baby, me and my eldest). He acknowledges that he is coming off too hash/critical of our 12 year old but he struggles with the worry that if her defiant traits and not full truthfulness is left unchecked she’s going to grow up to be a terrible person. (She lies/withholds information about homework, eating candy when she isn’t supposed to, loosing things, playing/texting on her phone when she’s not supposed to). What I think of as normal (although sooo frustrating) 12 year old stuff. Some of our main disagreements are about how to parent our oldest. He thinks I’m too permissive but I feel like I have to do a lot of comforting her after he lashes out. Also she does NOT respond to critcism well. If you come off too harsh/aggressive she either argues back or shuts down. I try to address these behaviors by talking it out when she’s calmer and when she gets defiant/shut down I make her take space because I know she isn’t listening when she’s defensive. Recently my daughter has started to show more signs of adhd so we are waiting for a psychiatrist to assess her next month. She also goes to therapy since my husband and I fought/broke up in August after a really bizarre fight in the middle of the night where he acted incredibly paranoid and aggressive toward me (I have no worries about actual physical violence or DV from my husband). We broke up again in October due to another fight where he lost control verbally. During that time we started to plan a separation. Funnily enough we finally started working together again on something (planning the move, separation details, co parenting etc) and our old friendship seemed to come back. We decided to both do individual therapy and since October we were doing ok. I was hopeful about his therapy even though he only recently started because he was starting to show some improvements in his listening skills and decreased verbal aggression. However he continues to be so constantly critical of everything I do. Trigger warning for some uncomfortable medical stuff: In November I started to have severe pelvic pain and it was found that I had fibroids in a bad spot. They scheduled a surgery for a week ago. I begged him before my surgery to help keep things calm, peaceful and not so critical because I wouldn’t be able to handle the constant level of stress we have while trying to heal after surgery. Some of my own ptsd is from past medical traumas. During the surgery they found and treated/removed polyps, fibroids, a cyst and scar tissue. They also took out my fallopian tubes. I have not been recovering from this surgery as fast or as easily as we had hoped. The first few days he did well but family and holiday stressors put him over the edge again. He became what I feel is increasingly controlling and critical of how I’m coping with the pain. I take a small amount of prescribed narcotics (much less than was recommended) and medical marijuana (legal where I live) and I’ve been doing light gardening, walks around the yard and crafting to help distract from the pain. Sitting and laying down is very uncomfortable right now. He would freak out at me if I didn’t want to go to bed with him at like 8:30pm! He accuses me of “partying” being mixed up on pills and weed if I stay up until 9:30 working on Christmas present crafts for family. He also feels like I’m ignoring the baby since the surgery (I spend more time with her than he does due to our work schedules, also Im not even really supposed to be lifting her for another week). He also has had multiple fights with me about not doing Christmas prep (I did basically everything aside from a couple presents he got our daughter and nephew) and not decorating the house well enough. (Why can’t he since I’m not well?) Recently I hit my breaking point due to how he is always complaining about what I do wrong and what he doesn’t like, but he appears from my perspective to not do anything on his own to address these problems (like why couldn’t he do Christmas decorating? If you don’t like the cabinet organized this way why don’t you do it the way you want it?) Some of his criticisms of me that I listed earlier are valid! (Amazon is not my friend although I love it so). But when it’s a constant onslaught and I get no acknowledgment of what I do and what I’ve changed (I get up and clean every morning, I’ve organized the house, I do all the childcare prep for the sitter, drop offs, pick ups etc etc etc). I am now so burnt out and have shut down. We got into a massive fight while we were getting ready to leave for a early family Christmas event and I cracked. I yelled at him and refused to go. Eventually he was persuaded to leave without me and took the kids alone to the event. Something that’s never happened before. I cried, grieved and talked to a friend. I realized that if he can’t be gentle and supportive while I’m recovering from surgery, he probably can’t ever. I’ve held on for so long because the classic reasons. I love him, he isn’t always like this, and I thought that if he got mental health treatment he would improve like I did. Now I feel so exhausted and I fantasize about living on my own without his constant negativity, his constant criticism and how he tries to micromanage everything I do without helping. I didn’t want to abandon him while he was unwell. I love him very much, but I also can’t spend my life living with this everyday. My own mental health has spiraled and I started smoking again (I quit for over a year, he never quit and refuses to talk about his own smoking, of course he is also incredibly upset that I started smoking again) I can’t change anymore than I have. I can’t have my 12 year old think this is a normal relationship. I’m terrified she will fall into an abusive relationship herself. Anyways….. I’m looking for apartments. I have a way to get money and get out. He says I’m throwing in the towel, running away and destroying our family. He says I’m in my trauma and reacting to the situation in the worst way. Please internet moms, give me some outside feedback! I know I’m far from perfect, but I just can’t keep trying for him anymore. I’m tired of everything always being bad, being wrong, not being enough. Thank for for anyone that took the time to read this!


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## Jimi007 (5 mo ago)

Wow , that's a lot to unpack. Try using paragraphs. It's hard to read without losing your place. ( I don't mean that disrespectfully ).

Seems like you have tried everything with the same results. And your right, it is a teaching moment for your daughter.

Find a place , move out and file for divorce. 

Live with it or get rid of it.

Seems like you have a solid plan too move forward, and heal
Good luck Jimi 👍


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

Could you go back and edit this post and break it up into paragraphs. You’ll get more feedback friend.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Listen OP. Many times spouses become more controlling after marriage. It seems to me he has some issues and one is he is trying to control everything and get everything just so. This is often times not really about any one task or item because you'll find you can never get it right. It's about making you the bad guy. It about making you not good enough. Destabilizing you so he can have the upper hand.

I wouldn't feel bad about leaving this man. You shouldn't.

The most important aspect is your 12 year old daughter. You are right about she is learning about life right now. Right now she's learning it is acceptable for him to treat you this way.

I'm very sorry you are here. If I read right you work. You've had a baby and surgery and you still have to do most of everything around the house. You'd have an easier life doing most of everything without the constant nagging.

Just stop talking to him about anything other than necessary children talk. IF he says you are throwing in the towel. Just say yes I am and move on. Let him blame you all he wants. It doesn't matter once you've decided to move on. 

Do you have any assets like a house or car that will need to be decided in the divorce? If you have a house you should find out if moving out will change anything about settlement. In some states it gives the spouse left behind more of a claim. In other states it doesn't matter.

You'll also need to discuss child custody of your infant. IN many state when children are very small and particularly if they are breast feeding you'll get more time. But in the end expect 50/50. Of course most courts will go with whatever arrangement you both agree to if you can agree.

I'd recommend if your child isn't breast feeding you do one week on and one week off until school aged. Make sure your husband has to do work days just like you and not just weekends. I'd start with the first week you move so that you have a chance to get settled.

You aren't crazy. You aren't lacking. You are tired and it's easy to see why. 

If you do decide you want to reconcile. Look up setting boundaries. Force counseling. People can change but it's rare. If he sees you leaving and there is any part of him willing to change it will come out when you leave.


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## CPJay4now (1 mo ago)

Isabeldel said:


> Hello internet people, I really need a place to vent and get advice/support I don’t want to burden my friends and family too much during the holidays (though some of them are aware). I am the mom of 2, a 12 year old and a almost 10 month old baby. I have been with my current husband for a little over 6 years. My oldest daughter’s father was horrible to us (we were both active duty military). I left when my baby was a little older than 1 after he tried to do something very harmful. I’m being vague in purpose here in case there are people who could get triggered. After that event I ran like hell and never looked back. It was incredibly hard raising my daughter on my own (with alot of help from my parents). I also have chronic medical conditions that started a few months after my oldest was was born. I used my GI bill and went to night school for years and obtained higher education and have a relatively reliable profession/career. My ex husband has pretty much ghosted me and my daughter and only pays child support intermittently. I met my now husband after I finished college and started my career. Over the past 6 years we have had many highs and low. The lows were mostly from our emotional baggage. I have diagnosed PTSD and ADHD. I have spent a decade working on my mental health (therapy, psychiatry, classes). My mental health has been pretty stable for a long time but I work hard at it everyday and I take medication. I believe my husband also has major mental health issues (depression, trauma, irritability) He has only recently been diagnosed with “severe anxiety” after recently starting therapy for the first time. He is resistant to seeing a psychiatrist for medication and does not believe in mental health medications. We tried 1 session of couples therapy and it was a nightmare. We fought the whole time. Now he doesn’t want to go back and accuses me of manipulating the therapist against him and won’t see a new one because he says I’ll do the same thing again. In terms of parenting, he was always a great dad to my oldest and wanted to be a dad since he was young. He has raised her with me since she was 6. He also helped me become a better parent myself and brought a lot of stability, love and emotional support to our lives. When our new baby was born his “anxiety” skyrocketed. (Side note: the pregnancy was full of complications and was incredibly physically difficult for me. The birth was also pretty traumatic due to medical complications. Baby is fine now!). After her birth, when she was around 3-4 months old he started to become increasingly irritable, critical and what I feel has escalated to possible verbal/emotional abuse to my oldest daughter and I. How this comes off is, he goes on frequent/daily long rants where he critiques, criticizes, complains about EVERYTHING. The state of the house, us wasting food, Amazon purchases, us not cooking enough, things not being organized, how we spend our time, me using controlled medications (recently due to illness i’ll get to that), not watching the baby close enough. He freaks out any time the baby falls or bonks herself on something. Our baby is super big, strong and smart. She’s already walking at 9.5 months. She gets into everything and is extremely active so she bonks herself allll the time, there’s only so much you can do to keep her contained. Even we she is contained she’s high energy and very playful so falls happen a lot. In terms of his behavior changing/worsening, he doesn’t usually take accountability for how his actions affect us. He completely disagrees that he has any ptsd symptoms, sometimes he acknowledges he has depression (he frequently talks about how miserable he is with us, not the baby, me and my eldest). He acknowledges that he is coming off too hash/critical of our 12 year old but he struggles with the worry that if her defiant traits and not full truthfulness is left unchecked she’s going to grow up to be a terrible person. (She lies/withholds information about homework, eating candy when she isn’t supposed to, loosing things, playing/texting on her phone when she’s not supposed to). What I think of as normal (although sooo frustrating) 12 year old stuff. Some of our main disagreements are about how to parent our oldest. He thinks I’m too permissive but I feel like I have to do a lot of comforting her after he lashes out. Also she does NOT respond to critcism well. If you come off too harsh/aggressive she either argues back or shuts down. I try to address these behaviors by talking it out when she’s calmer and when she gets defiant/shut down I make her take space because I know she isn’t listening when she’s defensive. Recently my daughter has started to show more signs of adhd so we are waiting for a psychiatrist to assess her next month. She also goes to therapy since my husband and I fought/broke up in August after a really bizarre fight in the middle of the night where he acted incredibly paranoid and aggressive toward me (I have no worries about actual physical violence or DV from my husband). We broke up again in October due to another fight where he lost control verbally. During that time we started to plan a separation. Funnily enough we finally started working together again on something (planning the move, separation details, co parenting etc) and our old friendship seemed to come back. We decided to both do individual therapy and since October we were doing ok. I was hopeful about his therapy even though he only recently started because he was starting to show some improvements in his listening skills and decreased verbal aggression. However he continues to be so constantly critical of everything I do. Trigger warning for some uncomfortable medical stuff: In November I started to have severe pelvic pain and it was found that I had fibroids in a bad spot. They scheduled a surgery for a week ago. I begged him before my surgery to help keep things calm, peaceful and not so critical because I wouldn’t be able to handle the constant level of stress we have while trying to heal after surgery. Some of my own ptsd is from past medical traumas. During the surgery they found and treated/removed polyps, fibroids, a cyst and scar tissue. They also took out my fallopian tubes. I have not been recovering from this surgery as fast or as easily as we had hoped. The first few days he did well but family and holiday stressors put him over the edge again. He became what I feel is increasingly controlling and critical of how I’m coping with the pain. I take a small amount of prescribed narcotics (much less than was recommended) and medical marijuana (legal where I live) and I’ve been doing light gardening, walks around the yard and crafting to help distract from the pain. Sitting and laying down is very uncomfortable right now. He would freak out at me if I didn’t want to go to bed with him at like 8:30pm! He accuses me of “partying” being mixed up on pills and weed if I stay up until 9:30 working on Christmas present crafts for family. He also feels like I’m ignoring the baby since the surgery (I spend more time with her than he does due to our work schedules, also Im not even really supposed to be lifting her for another week). He also has had multiple fights with me about not doing Christmas prep (I did basically everything aside from a couple presents he got our daughter and nephew) and not decorating the house well enough. (Why can’t he since I’m not well?) Recently I hit my breaking point due to how he is always complaining about what I do wrong and what he doesn’t like, but he appears from my perspective to not do anything on his own to address these problems (like why couldn’t he do Christmas decorating? If you don’t like the cabinet organized this way why don’t you do it the way you want it?) Some of his criticisms of me that I listed earlier are valid! (Amazon is not my friend although I love it so). But when it’s a constant onslaught and I get no acknowledgment of what I do and what I’ve changed (I get up and clean every morning, I’ve organized the house, I do all the childcare prep for the sitter, drop offs, pick ups etc etc etc). I am now so burnt out and have shut down. We got into a massive fight while we were getting ready to leave for a early family Christmas event and I cracked. I yelled at him and refused to go. Eventually he was persuaded to leave without me and took the kids alone to the event. Something that’s never happened before. I cried, grieved and talked to a friend. I realized that if he can’t be gentle and supportive while I’m recovering from surgery, he probably can’t ever. I’ve held on for so long because the classic reasons. I love him, he isn’t always like this, and I thought that if he got mental health treatment he would improve like I did. Now I feel so exhausted and I fantasize about living on my own without his constant negativity, his constant criticism and how he tries to micromanage everything I do without helping. I didn’t want to abandon him while he was unwell. I love him very much, but I also can’t spend my life living with this everyday. My own mental health has spiraled and I started smoking again (I quit for over a year, he never quit and refuses to talk about his own smoking, of course he is also incredibly upset that I started smoking again) I can’t change anymore than I have. I can’t have my 12 year old think this is a normal relationship. I’m terrified she will fall into an abusive relationship herself. Anyways….. I’m looking for apartments. I have a way to get money and get out. He says I’m throwing in the towel, running away and destroying our family. He says I’m in my trauma and reacting to the situation in the worst way. Please internet moms, give me some outside feedback! I know I’m far from perfect, but I just can’t keep trying for him anymore. I’m tired of everything always being bad, being wrong, not being enough. Thank for for anyone that took the time to read this!


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## CPJay4now (1 mo ago)

Has any of your arguments reached the level where either of your command/leadership has gotten involved?


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