# I just do not get it



## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

My wife and I are going to MC. Once I confronted my wife about the affair there was another incident of PA and then a few texts messages over the next couple of months mostly low level stuff like are you OK and that sort of thing. I keep asking my wife you knew that our marriage is on the line but you saw him again and then still communicated with him after the NC letter. Quick background, Married 30 years, I have never cheated, kids are grown. I caught her in a 7 month affair with a guy we went to High School with that she ran into at the class reunion. I was there.

Why would you do this. I ask here straight out was the sex that good, am I that bad, were you in love with him, why did you keep it up? She keeps saying I do not know. The MC keeps pushing her to explain herself and she needs to be honest and communicate with me, but we seem to be stuck and not getting anywhere. Is this just rug sweeping or is it that she really cannot sort this out.

She acknowledges we need to work on the affair first and then work on our other issues but we seem to be stuck in the mud and spinning our tires.

Does anyone have a similar experience with this type of behavior while trying to R?


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

you cant R while an affair is ongoing and contact is still being made


----------



## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

She continued to do it because she wanted to do it and probably thought if she was caught there would be no consequences to her actions and you would end up forgiving her anyway. This way she has the excitement of another lover and a husband who would forgive her without consequences. If the roles were reversed do you think she would be so accepting as you? You both need to get tested for STD's.
She has disrespected you and your marriage. If you do not respect yourself then who will?


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

mahike said:


> My wife and I are going to MC. Once I confronted my wife about the affair there was another incident of PA and then a few texts messages over the next couple of months mostly low level stuff like are you OK and that sort of thing.


God, both of them are still fishing? I don't think you're making progress because he's STILL on her mind. NC means NC. What consequences have you shown her for breaking NC?


----------



## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Yes we did get checked for STD's and yes I think the final blow was when she heard me talking with an attorney about the divorce. I have key loggers on everything now, phone is checked daily and I have a GPS on her car. She has been walking the straight an narrow with me for 3 months.

If it was about the excitment, or "love" or whatever I need to hear it from her and I am not getting that. At least at this point.

What I am hoping to find out is this a roadblock in R for other couples as well or is it just us.


----------



## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

mahike said:


> What I am hoping to find out is this a roadblock in R for other couples as well or is it just us.


It`s a roadblock for any marital reconciliation born of infidelity.

She`s not giving you the info you need and she`s trying to rugsweep it.

It`s a sign that she doesn`t have the strength to do what it takes to make it work.


----------



## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

mahike said:


> She acknowledges we need to work on the affair first and then work on our other issues but we seem to be stuck in the mud and spinning our tires.
> 
> Does anyone have a similar experience with this type of behavior while trying to R?


I had a similar experience with my wife, I don't know if it could apply to you, though. There was so many things that i didn't understand and couldn't get a grip on it at all. She was quite open about most things, details etc.

The one thing she left out was, tadahhh.... she was in love with him! ... or at least the feelings he brought up in her.

She didn't have the gut to tell me that, since she figured it would get everything much worse for her and that i would kick her out. In fact; it suddenly all made sense to me.

Maybe she doesn't have the courage to tell you about in love feelings?


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

There can be no true R if she doesn't know or won't tell you why she had an affair. Is she going to IC (individual counseling) to discover what issues caused her to have an affair?


----------



## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

A slightly contrary opinion (my experience with my WW): She might now really know. I also heard "I do not know" as the reason, and for months and months I'd erupt every time I heard those words... they HAVE to know.

But you know what? She might NOT know. She might need help exploring "why" -- and both of your recognition that the answer to "why" probably isn't going to be good enough. I am in the midst of coming to that realization right now... because really -- is ther eever a "good enough" answer to that question? No.

My own WW's "why" was a combination of some loneliness, some self-esteem issues/need for attention, and the real reason it kept going -- the rush of excitement, the high, the 'addiction-like' desire to keep feeding the ego and feel good about her desirability. It took months for us to get this out, even though when I hear it today, it's just not "acceptable" to me as a reason to cheat... because in effect, i want to know what *I* should have done differently -- and I'm realizing there is nothing I could have done to prevent it, in the work situation I was in except to quit my job and stay at home.

My point is, don't automatically discount her response when she says "I don't know"...because she truly might NOT know - yet. Your job together & with MC/IC help is to get underneath it and find out why -- and then you can decide if you can live with the actions and the reasons or not.


----------



## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

morituri said:


> There can be no true R if she doesn't know or won't tell you why she had an affair. Is she going to IC (individual counseling) to discover what issues caused her to have an affair?


She has explained the why's and how the EA started and moved into a PA.

That part she is really stuck on and I wll not let her slide on is why did you continue with anything after the NC. I know she was still in the "fog" but she needs to tell me what she was thinking and feeling.

We have MC again tonight and I am holding on the subject. If she thought she loved him or whatever she needs to come clean. I have told her that this has to be hashed out.

It seems like most of these PA's follow a very similar pattern and again I was hoping the the R's did the same thing.

I am guessing that A it was the excitment and B that she felt something for him. That is my guess but she need to tell me.


----------



## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

2xloser said:


> A slightly contrary opinion (my experience with my WW): She might now really know. I also heard "I do not know" as the reason, and for months and months I'd erupt every time I heard those words... they HAVE to know.
> 
> But you know what? She might NOT know. She might need help exploring "why" -- and both of your recognition that the answer to "why" probably isn't going to be good enough. I am in the midst of coming to that realization right now... because really -- is ther eever a "good enough" answer to that question? No.
> 
> ...


Thank you for your insite. One of the things my wife did tell me was that she needed attention as well. I did blast back at her that I leased a horse for over a year that I was allergic to to ride with her a couple times a week, which usually led to the two of us going out to dinner. How was I not giving her attention? I am still confused on that one.


----------



## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

morituri said:


> There can be no true R if she doesn't know or won't tell you why she had an affair. Is she going to IC (individual counseling) to discover what issues caused her to have an affair?


She has been to three IC's with our MC. She has not told me much about what was said or she discussed at least to this point.


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

if youre asking if it's common for WS to continue contact and fish after Dday, then yes, unfortunately it's all too common

but it's a bad sign and not an indicator of a remorseful spouse that you deserve


----------



## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

All the posters here are giving you good advice.
One more that I can think of is this;

"I don't know" is not an answer. She knows exactly how she feels and why. She just doesn't want to tell you. I would address this first. When we were in R and MC, I told my wife that "I don't know" was a deal breaker and we would be done.


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

mahike said:


> Thank you for your insite. One of the things my wife did tell me was that *she needed attention as well*. I did blast back at her that I leased a horse for over a year that I was allergic to to ride with her a couple times a week, which usually led to the two of us going out to dinner. How was I not giving her attention? I am still confused on that one.


Perhaps the attention she was referring to is the kind where a man expresses a desire to know what the woman is feeling and thinking at that moment in time. It can be quite addictive to many women and it's a kind of emotional undressing type of attention which often leads to a physical undressing later on.


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

mahike said:


> Thank you for your insite. One of the things my wife did tell me was that she needed attention as well. I did blast back at her that I leased a horse for over a year that I was allergic to to ride with her a couple times a week, which usually led to the two of us going out to dinner. How was I not giving her attention? I am still confused on that one.


You did nothing wrong. The problem is that like most WSs who claimed they needed attention, she needed attention from an OM because she was already getting it from you. Like a comfortable shoe, she didn't appreciate the attention you gave her and didn't notice it anymore because she took you for granted. The need for attention is usually the need for attention from someone new.


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Mahike. It really doesn't matter what kind of attention she needed for she had a responsibility to you and the marriage to come forth and convey to you what was happening inside her and to ask for your help. But she didn't do that and chose instead to keep it to herself because she did not want to stop what was happening inside her and where it would lead. 

Simply put, she didn't give a rat's a$$ about you because what was important to her was the high she got from the EA and then PA.


----------



## CH (May 18, 2010)

Basically you're gonna play warden to her for the next couple of years then. Check phones, bills, money, computer, where she is etc..

She's 5 minutes late, where was she did she do something.

She forgets to tell you she stopped of somewhere else besides her 1st destination, well she could be cheating again.

She didn't answer your phone for 5-10 mintues, why not, is she doing something?

My wife gave up playing warden about 10 years ago but for about 4 years after D-day she was into everything I did, went to, who I called, who I was talking to etc....

I don't know if she trusts me enough now a days or she just finally said F it, if he cheats then he's gonna cheat and I'm just tired of having to be the warden watching his every move.


----------



## pasadenasad (Dec 23, 2011)

I think my WW was in a similar situation as yours...the "attention" I gave her was coming home every night after work, doing homework with daughter, watching tv together, going to dinner once or twice a week, family functions, soccer dad, swim dad, freakin' ballet dad for cryin out loud (I even got talked into being our 5 year old's dance partner for her recital, geez us)...the "attention" scuzz bucket gave her was "you're so beautiful, you've so smart, you're so funny, you're so sexy, you're so skinny, I love you, I need you"...we're 3 weeks past confrontation and she can't seem to put in words how his attention made her risk a 16 year relationship. I do believe my ww has stopped all contact and is showing remorse, however, I'm still 90% moving toward D...yours seems to still have feelings for OM and even had a PA AFTER you confronted her making true R much more difficult...Your kids are gone, seperate, excercise everyday for your mind and body to get in shape, get some space..and then make some decisions...


----------



## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Pasadenasad your name is a trigger for me! They hooked up a couple of times at the Pasadena Hilton. Ouch. I know what you mean. I was helping her with her business, horse back riding, dinner out, cooking dinner doing things around the house and wham. But I am the guy that she had to talk about money with and fought with and not the guy that told her how great she was with out any of the normal life BS to go with it.


----------



## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

After you confronted her about the affair and she came clean; she then went and had sex with him again? What a slap in the face to you. You deserve better than this. If the roles were reversed do you think she would have accepted such humiliation and disrespect from you? This should have been a deal breaker for you when she did it again. If you do not respect yourself then who will?


----------



## pasadenasad (Dec 23, 2011)

Having sex with him after confrontation HAS TO BE A DEAL BREAKER...this may sound harsh, sexist, mean etc. but you should leave her right now...your kids are grown and if they knew about her would be on your "side" as it were...(here's the mean part) she's over 50 years old...dude, you get a do-over and it's guilt free...you didn't leave her for a younger woman at the office SHE had an affair and CONTINUED it after confronted and STILL is confused about what she wants??? F-that...bounce...start working out, feel better about yourself and be on your own for the first time in over 30 years, the first few days, weeks, months will be very hard and you'll pine for what you had but I firmly believe you'll be a happier man 12 months from now...take advantage of those OC hotties!


----------



## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

mahike said:


> My wife and I are going to MC. Once I confronted my wife about the affair there was another incident of PA and then a few texts messages over the next couple of months mostly low level stuff like are you OK and that sort of thing. I keep asking my wife you knew that our marriage is on the line but you saw him again and then still communicated with him after the NC letter. Quick background, Married 30 years, I have never cheated, kids are grown. I caught her in a 7 month affair with a guy we went to High School with that she ran into at the class reunion. I was there.
> 
> Why would you do this. I ask here straight out was the sex that good, am I that bad, were you in love with him, why did you keep it up? She keeps saying I do not know. The MC keeps pushing her to explain herself and she needs to be honest and communicate with me, but we seem to be stuck and not getting anywhere. Is this just rug sweeping or is it that she really cannot sort this out.
> 
> ...


You can never accept "I don't know", I also did that when we first R. Basically it was because I just wanted to rug sweep it. but, my husband did not accept this, and through many heated (on his side) it all came out. There's probably some confusion, but mostly she still hung up on the guy.


----------



## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

cheatinghubby said:


> Basically you're gonna play warden to her for the next couple of years then. Check phones, bills, money, computer, where she is etc..
> 
> She's 5 minutes late, where was she did she do something.
> 
> ...


I think it does get to that point eventually. You can check up on the person for the rest of your life...but what kind of life is that?


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

> Once I confronted my wife about the affair there was another incident of PA and then a few texts messages over the next couple of months


Time to leave


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

mahike said:


> Once I confronted my wife about the affair there was another incident of PA and then a few texts messages over the next couple of months mostly low level stuff like are you OK and that sort of thing.


That's fishing an they're testing the waters and will likley hook back up once they feel it's safe. 

Clearly she does not respect you or really think you're opinion on her stopping the affair matters. She is ignoring the NC completely.

There can be no R when the affair and contact is still going on.


----------



## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Once it progressed to a PA it should've been the end to be honest. You have nothing to tie you down to this marriage. Kids are grown, your wife betrayed you..... what's more to save?


----------

