# Husband driving me to a nervous breakdown?



## Tufluv (Oct 27, 2010)

I really need advice and a reality check. I feel like I am losing my mind. I've posted on here before regarding my husband of 4yrs. He is my best friend but my greatest cause of stress in my life. I don't handle stress well. I am a control freak and am always a pro-active person rather than reactive. I'm a get things done type of person. My husband does not handle important matters and lets them go until they get out of control and then there are always financial and legal repercussions because of it. I always end up having to clean up his messes and I am afraid that it has taken it's toll on me now and I feel like I am losing my mind because of it. 

We have been together 4yrs and he has collection agencies after him for debts going back as far as 8yrs. He does nothing about it. He started a business 1yr ago & I did the llc & other business filings as well as all of the marketing, bookeeping, tax records etc. to get him going. I am NOT an attorney so it takes me a long time to research & do these things. We did not have the $ for an attorney. He hated running the business because he did not like dealing w/ customers so he closed it & went to work for his 7th employer in a 4yr time frame. He came home every night angry and complaining about co-workers. It was miserable just being around him.

This week, he started his 8th new job as a semi driver and he loves it. (as he always does a new job the first 2 wks). I could not wait until he went on the road so that I did not have to be on pins and needles around his mood swings. I am relieved when he is gone because I can finally have some privacy, watch tv and relax. EXCEPT I can't seem to calm down now. I feel nervous, nauseous, shaky, just a complete mess. I feel like I need to have everything in the house perfect for when he gets home tonight so he can't complain. He wants me to figure out how to file bankruptcy papers for him for his llc and 8yr old debts. When he calls me, he won't use the gps I gave him but wants me to google map his route for him. I feel like I can't think about myself for a second. I am drained and just want to hide from him.

Are these signs of a nervous breakdown? How do I quit feeling like I need to be his mother when he won't do these things on his own? If I don't do them, then we get law offices calling us, etc. If I don't do them, I am the one that pays the price, since he still just ignores it. I am really scared. His uncle is just like him & was put in charge of his grandfathers estate when he passed away 1yr ago and his uncle lost everything his parents worked for their entire lives & put his grandmother in a nursing home & racked up a $100,000 debt along w/ loosing his grandmothers house and farm. Lost it all in 1yr. His uncles wife tried to pick up the pieces (like me) and is now in a mental ward for the last 2 months. I am scared that I am headed for the same type of situation.

I am dreading my husband coming back tonight and can't wait until he is gone for several days in a row so that I can hopefully calm down. I feel sick. Is this a normal reaction to me having to "fix" several things for him day after day. I mean, I even packed his lunch for his last job but then if he worked late he would call me to run food down to him at that very second. It's always something that he needs. I feel like I have a newborn baby to take care of day in and day out every second of the day.

Anyway, I think you get the picture. Is my feeling jumpy, shaky, on edge and nauseous a normal reaction? Advice? Solutions? A reality check please.


----------



## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

Tufluv said:


> I always end up *having to* clean up his messes and I am afraid that it has taken it's toll on me now and I feel like I am losing my mind because of it.


Correction: You are *choosing to* clean up his messes

Just stop. Hands off and let him face the full consequences of his actions. He will never grow up as long as you play mommy, make excuses for him, and bail him out.


----------



## EuphoricConfessions (Dec 20, 2012)

Reality check:

Your husband is a grown man. He should be able to do basic things for himself. If he is not able to handle his finances, tell him that you want a legal separation so his bad credit does not affect your credit.

Your husband sounds like he is immature. He is unable to work well with others and gets board easily. That would explain why he is unable to hold down a job.

If you do not have children with this man, do NOT have any until he is able to control his emotions. You should not be on pins and needles around your husband. you should look forward to seeing him.

You should tell him that you want to go to marriage counseling so you two can figure out why he wants you to be his mother instead of his wife.


----------



## Michelleinmichigan (Jun 26, 2013)

Ugh, I know people like that. The worst part is your damned if you do and damned if you don't. If you do, and get upset over the stress. He will take it fidiculously personally. If you don't you end up paying out of your pocket.

Unless he has some kind of porn or other addiction problem I would recommend the following:

First thing you need to do is separate your finances. File taxes separately because he will always screw you over with that one. Secondly put the house under your name, do everything nicely for credit purposes. Don't give him your money for things, and limit what you do to help him.

If you offer to help him, and it's driving you crazy, it's your fault for offering. Same applies if he asks you, and you don't say no.

Consider everything you have with him an at risk liability. Secure everything accordingly. Don't pay his things off ever. 

Like a child, if he doesn't have consequences, he won't change. If you can't control yourself, he will control you.

Understand that many things are not in your control, he is one of them, let the chips fall where they may. 

Yes, you must be going crazy. Good luck


----------



## Fleur de Cactus (Apr 6, 2013)

Sorry, you sound drained by your husband 's comportment, maybe he is that type of people who get married to find a mother!!how old is your husband? why he does not keep a job? 8 jobs in 4 years are many? why he is not capable of maintaining his job?


----------



## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

With a best friend like that, who needs an enemy? Or a spouse to fight with, for that matter.


----------



## Tufluv (Oct 27, 2010)

Fleur de cactus- He is 32yrs old. He changes jobs so often because he can't ignore people he doesn't like. Instead he acts like a teenager & obsesses over how much they bother him & complains 24/7 to the point that it makes him miserable. He then puts in his 2wks notice and finds a different job. Same thing happens at the new one and then the next one and the next.

One other piece of info to add to the equation here. I just checked his phone calls online & he has been on the phone non-stop since 7am this morning while he's driving. There is only a 10min. period where he was not on the phone. I find that very weird. He has always talked too much but it concerns me that this man cannot be alone with his own thoughts for 2 seconds. Even if I am reading a book, he has to get my attention every 5 minutes. Am I making too much of this? Am I irritated too easily? I need others reactions to his behaviors to gauge if my reactions are normal to his behavior. I just don't know anymore. His behavior is beginning to scare me. Would it to you?


----------



## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

Tufluv said:


> Fleur de cactus- He is 32yrs old. He changes jobs so often because he can't ignore people he doesn't like. Instead he acts like a teenager & obsesses over how much they bother him & complains 24/7 to the point that it makes him miserable. He then puts in his 2wks notice and finds a different job. Same thing happens at the new one and then the next one and the next.
> 
> One other piece of info to add to the equation here. I just checked his phone calls online & he has been on the phone non-stop since 7am this morning while he's driving. There is only a 10min. period where he was not on the phone. I find that very weird. He has always talked too much but it concerns me that this man cannot be alone with his own thoughts for 2 seconds. Even if I am reading a book, he has to get my attention every 5 minutes. Am I making too much of this? Am I irritated too easily? I need others reactions to his behaviors to gauge if my reactions are normal to his behavior. I just don't know anymore. His behavior is beginning to scare me. Would it to you?


A high maintenance man like that would drive me Crazy! If he continued to make such mess let him fix it. Do you think he have any mental issues? I mean beyond the obvious?


----------



## Fleur de Cactus (Apr 6, 2013)

Tufluv

If he acts like a boy rather than a mature man, there is a serious personality issue. It is not easy to live around such people, they drive family crazy. Also, if he loves phone calls, he may get bored easily and this is typical for people who never grow mature and continue to act like kids, never keep a job, do not have friends , and all is about themselves, never have any remorse. I may be wrong, but I am afraid he will not be able to change. But he may change if you can sit down and have a serious conversation with him. Do you think that he loves you? Or he stays with you because he needs you. That is another question you should ask yourself. Your relationship is not good and I cannot blame you. You feel sick right, and it is normal when you live with an adult person who acts like a kid. Check out the definition and signs of Narcissism and you will let us know if the signs match with what you see in him. Good luck my dear.


----------



## firefly789 (Apr 9, 2013)

He shouldn't be on the road driving a semi if he's on the phone all day to. That's just dangerous to everyone around him. But, he doesn't think about others, does he? It sounds like he's doesn't understand that there are consequences for actions. Does he have ADD? Has he been to the doctor? With all his jumping from one thing to another something is very wrong. You can only cover for him so long. He is sucking you dry.


----------



## gilczbq (Jul 3, 2013)

He is unable to work well with others and gets board easily. That would explain why he is unable to hold down a job


----------



## gilczbq (Jul 3, 2013)

I had a question about the premed competency section.


----------



## Tufluv (Oct 27, 2010)

Firefly-Yes, he is pretty certain that he has ADD. He has agreed to see a psychiatrist if he starts to hate this job too. His mother tried to have him put in a psych ward when he was 8 because of his attention span. His father said no and took him from her. That is part of the reason why I try to help him. It is just so draining though. His father never taught him proper communication or how to deal with conflict. He just beat him and yelled. I see slow changes in my husband as he learns new and proper ways of handling things by watching me. It just takes soooo long for things to sink in with him when it comes to real life. It gets so frustrating and draining. He is smart when it comes to hands on things or learning a new skill that interests him but if it has anything to do with mundane adult responsibilities forget it. He try's to handle responsibilities when he is in a good mood but easily gets frustrated and quits. I have read up on the ADD/ADHD thing and he fits it to a tee but geesh, how much does a spouse have to put up with when it is so draining?


----------



## Tufluv (Oct 27, 2010)

p.s- I bought him a hands free phone system so that he could talk safely while driving. Again...me being his mother. It was like packing up a teenager going away to college.


----------

