# When a "friend" bad mouths the wife..



## Confused_and_bitter

Gentlmen! Your advice/insight would be greatly appreciated on my current situation with my husband.Here it goes:

Quick background H had an EA with a coworker in 2011 so obviously the trust is barely existent if at all.

H has an FB after the EA I demanded transparency and it has been given in forms of passwords and cell phones. I have also given him all access to my accounts as well and my phone is never locked. 

Just recently some old friends of his from his single days contacted him via twitter. H called and said that since im going to find out anyway friend A contacted him and he talked to him and also another friend B (both are males) I'm a bit upset because we both agreed to talk about people that find us via social networks before making contact the friends male or female. 

For my part I have openly discussed before accepting or responding to anyone. He however has taken the I'll communicate with them before I tell you and I only tell you because you are going to find out anyway route.

I was upset because I actually had met these guys while we dated. We went to dinner with them and hung out for awhile. I didn't like these guys so I chose not to have any further contact with them, H kept hanging out with them and so long as I wasn't involved I was fine with it. When we got married the friends wanted to take him to vegas for a bachleor party that they didn't have for him before the wedding at that time we were living paycheck to paycheck so a week ling vegas trip wasn't affordable.
The friends went on to blame me for him not having money called me a b!tch, wh0re, etc. I have to say that what really made me upset was that H didn't say a word the whole time and let them talk about me that way. That was 7 years ago. He slowly stopped talking to them until they completely stopped calling him because he couldn't go out and party like before.

So, now we are here. Two of the guys he has been talking to have apologised and owned up to the ****ty behavior they had back then. One friend C went on a FB rant on how he isn't surprised where we live considering who he married and that he is surprised that I didn't smother him or swallow him whole. Friend A told him that it was because of comments like that, that seperated everyone in the first place. Friend C went on to say that H doesn't have a FB and that even if he did he couldn't read his comments anyway. Except H could read his comments and let him know. Friend C starts on saying oh its all a joke friend! How have you been?

Here is what really pissed me off...this last guy C trashed me on FB to all of H's old friends and H goes on and has a friedly chat as if nothing happened! 

I'm upset and H says that he didn't friend him on FB and he doesn't understand why I am upset. 

So I come here to you guys to see if either I'm going crazy or if I actually have a valid reason to be upset. I have learned so much from these forums and have applied many things to our marriage but I just feel we should have friends of the marriage and not ones against it. Thank you guys im advance.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Married in VA

Why not delete all the FB and twitter accounts? Seems like irresponsible use of social media is causing many problems in marriages today. 

As for your thread title, "When a friend bad mouths the wife", that is simple. I tell my friend not to talk about my wife that way. If he doesn't stop, the friendship ends. I don't allow my friends to talk about my STBXW in a negative fashion. It's just disrespectful.


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## jfv

you have a valid reason to be upset. Your husband should man up and tell that clown to go f himself.


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## C-man

Your husband should be standing up for you. Either he's a total wimp or he agrees with what they say. Either one isn't good.

Do you think he's a wimp?


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## Confused_and_bitter

He thinks not friending him on FB will be enough.

I don't know what think to be honest. Right now because I'm upset I do think he is a coward for not saying something to that guy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pault

First your screen name isnt warrented. Your not confused at all - infact Id say well done for being very clear and focused. Bitter... nope angry YES and so you should. As a H whose W's BFFFL ignores him when they are in company I certainly know how you feel. YOu H should now grow a pair and go on FB and let friend C know exactly what its all about in no uncertain terms. Else your H needs a steel toe capped boot in the rear big style. Your H's first loyalty is to YOU. 

As for the " your going to find out anyway" comment and his actions around your agreement again, he needs telling and needs to know that he has betrayed your trust once and now he has sought to do so again. I suspect he was trying it on to see if youd let it roll rather than hit back.

In the situation your in you need where transparancy is the watch word he nees to know that everytime he lets it go you will drop on him like the walls of hell. If he cannot be honest, truthful and faithful. then he gets - Luggage, pack ..... Get out!.

You dont need to put up with being abused by anyone BUT you do deserve the person that alledges they love you to stand up and protect you


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## yellowledbet

Zanne said:


> Really?? And it's nearly two years later?
> 
> Regarding your current issue, I do think it was childish of your husband's friends to bad mouth you, and especially in a public way, but honestly I think it was allowed by your husband a long time ago. He probably complained about you to his guy friends. *You do sound a little controlling.*
> 
> He should have called them out on inappropriate comments as you are indeed his wife. He didn't, and I would consider that a character flaw or at the very least a lapse in judgement. But seriously, if he can't stand up to you, why would he stand up to his friends?


My thought exactly. It sounds like he needs to stand up for you, but your post made you seem super controlling. He has to inform you of any contact that he has with male friends?:scratchhead:


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## dubbizle

He should shut his friends up and tell them thrash talking you will not be happening and if it does they are through in his life ,but there is a line between transparency and controling and even though you don't like his friends they are still his old friends and he is a adult plus they are not women


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## Tony55

I don't understand why he has to go through you to talk to his male friends.
He should have straightened out the friend who spoke badly about you.
If you keep telling your son who he can play with he's always going to push back on mommy and resent the control.

T


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## richie33

First he needs to defend you. No man should call another man a ***** or a ***** without getting crack in the mouth.
Second your husband will resent you if you continue to tell him what guy friends he should talk to. A woman, obviously 
yes, given your history. But you do seem to be a bit controlling. Both of you need to deactivate the Facebook and twitter. 

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Entropy3000

Husband sounds like a drama queen. What "men" talk on FB about someone elses wife? UFB. Maybe they have too much estrogen. 

Anyway, yes these are toxic friends. Posting on FB about your marriage partner in a negative way is absurd.

Since he was in the EA he probably should nix the FB period. He is not able to handle it it seems.


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## canttrustu

Entropy3000 said:


> *Husband sounds like a drama queen. What "men" talk on FB about someone elses wife? UFB. Maybe they have too much estrogen. *
> 
> Anyway, yes these are toxic friends. Posting on FB about your marriage partner in a negative way is absurd.
> 
> Since he was in the EA he probably should nix the FB period. He is not able to handle it it seems.



This. Really?


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## Entropy3000

canttrustu said:


> This. Really?


Just not a guy thing to discuss period in that forum. It is an attention getter. Too much drama. More importantly extremely disrespectful.

That said, it would have no place if the genders were reversed either.

But it especially creeps me out that grown men would be doing this.


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## MaritimeGuy

Electronic media has made it possible for people to say things they would be too cowardly to say out in the open. Your husbands friends fit square in the middle of this category. If you were to confront them face to face about they're comments they'd probably piss their pants...then stammer and try to back track. They're not worth your time and energy.

My suggestion is you say to your husband you're hurt that he didn't see fit to stand up for you. If he doesn't address this behaviour going forward than I think you have a decision to make about what kind of man you want to be married to.


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## canttrustu

Entropy3000 said:


> Just not a guy thing to discuss period in that forum. It is an attention getter. Too much drama. More importantly extremely disrespectful.
> 
> That said, it would have no place if the genders were reversed either.
> 
> But it especially creeps me out that grown men would be doing this.


Exactly! I was agreeing with you. This sounds like a bunch of old wash women. My H doesnt talk about other people very much at all. Especially not a friends wife in the negative. This is just incredibly immature and girly.


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## SpinDaddy

When I read this I thought this is why Ms. Spin doesn’t think our young children should be on Facebook. Then I looked at how long you’ve been married and realized you all must be in your 20’s at least.

All things being equal, hubby needs to grow up, figure which posse he is riding with (the marital unit or the boys) and move on into the next phase of mature adulthood (hopefully).


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## lovelygirl

I nearly threw up when reading about your H, OP.
What an immature, childish, girly-man you have there!!

Not only is it disrespectful but I'd consider what he did as a deal-breaker.


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