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## onmyownwith3girls (Apr 6, 2021)

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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

End one relationship before starting another. Married men are forbidden fruit. He has no business building a nest with you if he wants to stay with his wife until his kid leaves. That is an excuse! He is not ready to leave his wife. She may be horrible, but apparently not as bad that he won't leave her. But he sure as heck wants to boink you. Do you like sloppy seconds? No one should. You deserve better. You are vulnerable and he knew this. That is why he targeted you. Easy peasy for him to do with all the history your families have. 
It will not end well. It is your life. There will be hell to pay if you don't end both your marriage and your affair. Get counseling. You entered a marriage for the wrong reasons and for whatever reason. You are older now. Learn from your past and live a better future. Don't start a relationship where you are now the Other woman. Sloppy seconds suck rocks!


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Just stop.

That's what I'd do.

Get divorced. 

Have a relationship with him if and when he ever gets divorced.

This sounds like such a big mess. Just stop.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Stop it and get healthy on your own for now.

Getting involved with a married man is yet another bad choice and I hope you are starting to recognize that you have very poor judgement?


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

I think you may be underplaying the effect that your friendship with him has had on his relationship with his wife. 
You may think that you kept your feelings for him hidden but you could be wrong. And you have no idea how much or how little your name came up during their fights. 
I also think that it’s interesting that she stopped being friends with you.


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## onmyownwith3girls (Apr 6, 2021)

Andy1001 said:


> I think you may be underplaying the effect that your friendship with him has had on his relationship with his wife.
> You may think that you kept your feelings for him hidden but you could be wrong. And you have no idea how much or how little your name came up during their fights.
> I also think that it’s interesting that she stopped being friends with you.


I actually stopped being friends with her. She became very angry about so much stuff in her life and as good a friend as i tried to be to her, she just was awful. She had started body building, her mental state completely changed and has never been the same since.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Does the married man have six pack abs?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

For whatever reason, he doesn’t want a divorce now or maybe ever. You will spend time — probably a lot of time — waiting on him to choose you. Don’t. That rarely works. Move on.


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## onmyownwith3girls (Apr 6, 2021)

ccpowerslave said:


> Does the married man have six pack abs?


Nope. Total Dad bod.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

onmyownwith3girls said:


> This will ruffle feathers, i'm sure of it. But maybe - just maybe - if you have an open mind you will understand, i do need advice.
> I'm going to start this by saying that if you had told me 20 years ago i'd ever be writing about this, i'd say there is no way in heck..no way, never.
> I am in the middle of a divorce after 24 years (divorce is continually held up bc of corona)- hadn't been good for a very, very long time. We never should have gotten married but we had a child within a year of dating, then another and decided to get married..then had another a few years later. There was no passion, no true love, we just played the roles until we couldn't anymore.
> I felt very alone most of the marriage, no attraction to him but did what i needed to do, in fact, i thought i had zero sex drive.
> ...


He's using you to make his life tolerable until he leaves his wife way down the road or never leaves and just tries to keep you there on the side. 

You need to do some serious work on yourself and figure out why you make bad decisions. Why did you have kids with a guy you didn't have real feelings for, why did you marry him? Why did you keep having kids knowing the relationship was crap? Why is your first post separation fling an affair with a married man? Until you figure all this out you will keep making bad decisions and be miserable in your relationships and life because of the decisions you make.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

As a woman, and since you asked...
Women who knowingly screw married men are whores. I tried to find another word for it but that is it in a nut shell. 
I don’t care the reasons why, you know he is married and you are doing it anyway.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

onmyownwith3girls said:


> Am i wasting my time?


Yes. Most of the time, when push comes to shove, the man doesn't leave his wife and family. If he does, and you form a marriage with him which began in adultery ? It has very little chance of ever becoming successful.


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## NTA (Mar 28, 2021)

Torninhalf said:


> As a woman, and since you asked...
> Women who knowingly screw married men are whores. I tried to find another word for it but that is it in a nut shell.
> I don’t care the reasons why, you know he is married and you are doing it anyway.


I would also add don't use the excuse that you didn't know. These days one should concentrate on getting their marital status and the number of children that they are responsible whether by choice or by law.

I remember ruminating about how my STBX was having an affair with someone at the office. i was with a (female) friend who offered the "wisdom" maybe she didn't know he was married. She did a couple of other things that annoyed me that motivated me to excise her from my life.

I hate when it someone is constantly providing cover for someone else with the belief that one isn't or shouldn't need to do their investigation to be informed about these matters.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

NTA said:


> I would also add don't use the excuse that you didn't know. These days one should concentrate on getting their marital status and the number of children that they are responsible whether by choice or by law.
> 
> I remember ruminating about how my STBX was having an affair with someone at the office. i was with a (female) friend who offered the "wisdom" maybe she didn't know he was married. She did a couple of other things that annoyed me that motivated me to excise her from my life.
> 
> I hate when it someone is constantly providing cover for someone else with the belief that one isn't or shouldn't need to do their investigation to be informed about these matters.


She knows...eyes wide open wrapping her legs around another woman’s husband. Nasty.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

So being with your husband was a mistake all along huh? Are his kids a mistake too? 

What caused your AP’s wife to become such an awful person? Her wonderful husband didn’t play a part in the marriage going south? Just like your marriage, It’s all the other person’s fault too?

It’s amazing the justification that waywards make to not be the bad guy in the marriage. No it’s not the person committing adultery fault. It is the betrayed spouse’s fault.

To think you were once this woman’s friend and now here you are plotting to steal her husband.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

onmyownwith3girls said:


> It happened, i honestly think it was meant to happen and it was going to happen eventually.


Justifying. Neither fate nor Cupid had anything to do with you two hooking up. Your partner is taking advantage of what has clearly been thrown in his lap. Remember - if he'll cheat with you, he'll cheat on you. Would you ever trust him not to?


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## AGoodFlogging (Dec 19, 2020)

Your new man has a load of mess and you are getting sucked into it. It seems a shame to throw away the freedom you are gaining through your divorce on a man who can't commit to you and is betraying his wife. Surely you can do better than that?


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## NTA (Mar 28, 2021)

You should ask around. He's probably delivered that BS to at least a couple of women.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Married men who go after other women always lie about their marriage. If she is that bad he would have left her years ago. You say it was meant to happen, no it wasnt, he isnt free to be with anyone else, he is married and still with his wife. You also are still married. 

Get your divorce done, stay away from him until such a time as he is divorced and free to be with someone new, if that ever happens which I doubt. What is the difference to his child if they are 16 or 18 when the divorce happens? You know this is wrong, get your life in order and leave him to sort his out.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Interesting. So the dude married his wife but somehow decided you were his "bestie", no doubt taking intimacy from his wife. And he carried on for all these years.

Yet you have NO idea why she's so horrible. She's horrible enough for him to **** around but not horrible enough to leave.

By all means remain his side piece....he sounds like a real catch. I'm sure he's a ton of fun....all you get is the fun. You don't get day to day ******** like she does.

One more thing: how do you know you're the only side piece? He has poor boundaries and cheats on his wife. What makes you think there aren't others?


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

TJW said:


> Yes. Most of the time, when push comes to shove, the man doesn't leave his wife and family. If he does, and you form a marriage with him which began in adultery ? It has very little chance of ever becoming successful.


Very true. There 100s of threads on LS from WWs wanting to pull of the double home wreck. These women will waste years being some MM’s side piece, believing all of the future faking. The MM rarely leaves. Even when there are no children involved. 

The few MM that do leave their wives may use the their side piece for a soft landing but is not looking to start off a new marriage or live-in LTR with her . They will look for a single woman who hasn’t cheated on their husband because they know in their gut that if she cheats with me, she’ll cheat on me. Besides the side piece is tied to his failed marriage and they’re looking for a fresh start.

OP needs to ask herself, is this the type of woman she wants to be? Stealing an old friend’s husband while still being married? There is nothing but pain and shame going down that route. 

“So tell me, how did you two meet?” “Oh, I stole him from my friend, she was a real beotch.” Yea, that’s the last time you’ll be invited over.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

I can totally sympathise with the wife here being ‘horrible’ given your lengthy friendship with her husband and how dreadfully you speak of her. 

Been in his ear all this time feeding him lines about how horrible she is? 😉 That’d make up for some passion/drama that you say was lacking. (I think you confuse passion with drama 🤗)


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

onmyownwith3girls said:


> I actually stopped being friends with her. She became very angry about so much stuff in her life and as good a friend as i tried to be to her, she just was awful. She had started body building, her mental state completely changed and has never been the same since.


Oh boy, this one’s a cracker! 😝

‘She was just aaaaaaaawful’ 

Spoken like a true homewrecker. 

Sweetie, I’d worry more about your own mental state than hers, she’s doing just great! She sounds like a very interesting and passionate woman, she is probably very attractive too, probably smarter than you too. 

I can totally see why he would never leave her for someone like you. A rational and sane lady, I bet she’s amazing. 

She’s got everything you don’t. Including her husband, still by her side. 

Tell me more about how passionate and what a catch you are... because I bet your lofty opinion of yourself won’t be the same as what everyone you encounter thinks about you. Especially your husband and kids and the betrayed wife. 

Deep down, you know your lover doesn’t think too highly of you either 😉


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

The first half of your opening was simply a list of excuses and justifications for what you were about to tell us.

Get divorced, THEN see. Don't do it while married.


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

To answer the question targeted at the men, yes he's scared. 
1. He's too scared to leave his wife.
2. He's too scared to be with a woman who is disloyal. Yep you read it, he knows you are a cheater. Sounds hypocritical? Yep, but true.

Now something I have said many times on this forum and I consider them words to live by - listen to what he's telling you, he doesn't want to be with you, he told you upon saying he can't leave for at least two years. Try to sink him, his wife already knows you're crazy because that's what he's already told her.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

onmyownwith3girls said:


> This will ruffle feathers, i'm sure of it. But maybe - just maybe - if you have an open mind you will understand, i do need advice.
> I'm going to start this by saying that if you had told me 20 years ago i'd ever be writing about this, i'd say there is no way in heck..no way, never.
> I am in the middle of a divorce after 24 years (divorce is continually held up bc of corona)- hadn't been good for a very, very long time. We never should have gotten married but we had a child within a year of dating, then another and decided to get married..then had another a few years later. There was no passion, no true love, we just played the roles until we couldn't anymore.
> I felt very alone most of the marriage, no attraction to him but did what i needed to do, in fact, i thought i had zero sex drive.
> ...


You would have done better to write - I AM A COWARD. It would have been much more honest.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

You are in the middle of your divorce and separated from your husband.

Your want to be boyfriend is still married and hasn’t even started his divorce.

Ask him to. If you want to wait until he has started his divorce and separated like you great. I would hold off doing anything with him until then.

I don’t see what you are doing as cheating on your STBXH. You are actually the other woman at the present time.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Here is the deal, some people don't have the stuff to be in long lasting relationships. You should probably resign yourself that you are one of those people.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Benbutton said:


> To answer the question targeted at the men, yes he's scared.
> 1. He's too scared to leave his wife.
> 2. *He's too scared to be with a woman who is disloyal. Yep you read it, he knows you are a cheater. Sounds hypocritical? Yep, but true.*
> 
> Now something I have said many times on this forum and I consider them words to live by - listen to what he's telling you, he doesn't want to be with you, he told you upon saying he can't leave for at least two years. Try to sink him, his wife already knows you're crazy because that's what he's already told her.


Something I’ve notice about WHs as opposed to WWs. Most WHs that actually leave their wife, do not end up with their AP. The fact that she betrayed her husband is what makes her not a catch to her MM. yes it is completely hypocritical but you see it a lot. 

The few who actually leave their BW for their AP are not much of a catch. It takes a very weak man to abandon his family for another man’s wife. At least that’s what I pick up on their threads where they spend a lot of time pining for some other man’s wife.

When the MM is asking you to wait 2 years for Johnny to finish HS. Or I just want to let Susie to complete her final year of college or wait until after the birth of my grandchild, etc. bottom line, he ain’t going leave his wife.

Soon OP will be a newly minted middle aged divorce mother still putting pressure on her OM to D already. To go from married mother to divorced side piece, now that is a steep drop in status.


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## CrAzYdOgLaDy (Mar 22, 2021)

The person I feel sorry for is his wife. What you 2 are doing will destroy both families, children included. Who needs enemies with cheating friends and husband like yourselves. You are trying to come up with excuses in your mind to make this affair seem OK. It's not ok and his wife should know. Sorry I can't be helpful, I just don't like cheaters or home wreckers. Divorce your husband but if you want another man make sure he is single. Is an affair really worth it with all the heartbreak that will be caused?

Sent from my SM-G970F using Tapatalk


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## Hopeful4tomorrow (Mar 26, 2021)

I am sorry that your girls have you as a role model. You might be a great mom in other aspects but you are normalising a destructive behaviour in relationships for them. I hope they have someone better to look up to.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

So you and your POSOM are business partners, and "besties". Hmmm, I wonder why his wife is so "awful" and "angry". Her husband is taking intimacy (and not just sex) that he should be giving to her, and giving it to his side piece - and has been for nearly two decades. No wonder she's pissed!

I wouldn't pay a lot of mind to what the kids tell you. I have no doubt she's angry and yells at her husband, but the kids don't know why she does that or why she's so angry with their dad now do they?

This isn't going to end well - for either of you, but especially for the long suffering wife 

Oh, and btw, my friends husband left her for another woman. Told his ***** that he and his wife hadn't had sex in years. Truth? He was banging her until the day he left.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

onmyownwith3girls said:


> Things are fine the way they are at the moment.


For whom?

Just focused on the other house-hold for the moment, her kids are sharing intimate feelings with you as though you're a second mother / trusted role model, she is angry and rejected, he is not willing to take action anytime soon to change that situation. Gawd... regardless of my opinions of your affair, I just don't get how one would be attracted to a man who seems to lack the balls to leave his unhappy marriage, or some kind of action other than an affair and waiting it all out. Sounds like a lot of complaining comes your way via him AND his kids about his wife / their mother. Affair stuff aside, that alone would do my frickn head-in. There's such a lack of respect and integrity towards her and that you all feed into. Likely even bond over. Even though you have experienced her moods yourself, I couldn't stand others running to me to complain about it in person. Deal with your crap. It's a huge reflection on them, as well as on you. Like I said, and that's not even the affair side of things.

I hope she takes gold in a bodybuilding contest, does what she needs to do to become mentally and physically stronger, and gets herself to a more grounded, happier, and healthier place.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Also why is it that when you wrote sex you did so with a dollar sign $ex?


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Okay, now for an answer to your questions. Yes, I think you're wasting your time. His actions do not demonstrate any significant change is occurring to divorce, let alone then to merge lives with you. For your sake, it doesn't matter the reasons why. Just face the reality of the actions. Don't ask him to leave either. He's a grown man. He ought to have figured out by now whether he wants to leave or not. While I don't like power-dynamics in romantic relationships, this is one where I suggest you'll be giving him unwarranted leverage if you do ask him.


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## TheGoodFather (Feb 12, 2021)

You are jumping out of the frying pan and into the fire. Those who play with fire ultimately gets burned, no exception. 

If he cheats with you, he will cheat on you. What makes you think that he will suddenly becomes this faithful man when he is married to you? Him saying that he won't divorce his wife until after his kid finishes school in two years is him saying to you, "can you be my comfort woman in the meantime that I cannot figure out my own sh1t?" 

Life can only give out so much second chances. Consider your upcoming divorce as a second chance. Make the most out of it by improving and recreating yourself to a point that good men will gravitate towards you. Learning a new hobby would be a great start. Find your passion that will get your mind out of the drama of life. Connect with like-minded groups of people. It would be a waste of life if, at your deathbed, you realized that you have been living your life as a comfort woman to pathetic men. By coming to this forum and asking questions, there is a force within you that wants to know the truth. I hope you'll find it. Good luck.


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## Jadedlilguy (Apr 7, 2021)

onmyownwith3girls said:


> This will ruffle feathers, i'm sure of it. But maybe - just maybe - if you have an open mind you will understand, i do need advice.
> I'm going to start this by saying that if you had told me 20 years ago i'd ever be writing about this, i'd say there is no way in heck..no way, never.
> I am in the middle of a divorce after 24 years (divorce is continually held up bc of corona)- hadn't been good for a very, very long time. We never should have gotten married but we had a child within a year of dating, then another and decided to get married..then had another a few years later. There was no passion, no true love, we just played the roles until we couldn't anymore.
> I felt very alone most of the marriage, no attraction to him but did what i needed to do, in fact, i thought i had zero sex drive.
> ...





jsmart said:


> Very true. There 100s of threads on LS from WWs wanting to pull of the double home wreck. These women will waste years being some MM’s side piece, believing all of the future faking. The MM rarely leaves. Even when there are no children involved.
> 
> The few MM that do leave their wives may use the their side piece for a soft landing but is not looking to start off a new marriage or live-in LTR with her . They will look for a single woman who hasn’t cheated on their husband because they know in their gut that if she cheats with me, she’ll cheat on me. Besides the side piece is tied to his failed marriage and they’re looking for a fresh start.
> 
> ...


There is always two sides to a story. Answer for question one, its cheaper to keep her.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

*Our relationship is so much fun, very real, honest, laugh huge, we're best friends - the way it's always been.*

You said and I quote above but realize there is nothing "honest' about your affair. Not only are you both sneaking around behind his wife's back. When did she become the wicked witch of the west? Was it when she realized she had lost her husband to an affair, maybe even suspecting a friend? 

People who have affairs are NOT honest, more so if they stab so called friends in the back. You both deserve each other and it says a lot about your character and his to carry on like this and come up with all sorts of justifications about his wife being terrible, sounds like you try to justify your own terrible behavior too much. 

Their marriage is none of your bloody business. Focus on your own divorce.
Do the right thing. Dump him, let him get a divorce if he ever does or move on.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

onmyownwith3girls said:


> I actually stopped being friends with her. She became very angry about so much stuff in her life and as good a friend as i tried to be to her, she just was awful. She had started body building, her mental state completely changed and has never been the same since.


Oh Please the level of self-delusion with you is amazing. You tried to be a good friend but had the hots for her husband for some time. A woman knows when to draw the line with a male so that it is very clear there is a no-go zone. You did not implement the no-go zone, you wanted him and it suited you to use their troubled relationship as your foot in the doorway, yet you think you are a great friend. You, my dear are what we would call a self-serving b**** where I come from. 
You also never stopped to think that his wife is going through menopause, his lack of attention, support because he was too busy chasing your skirt.
You really are a prize catch, not!


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

onmyownwith3girls said:


> He just wants to hold the marriage together until his youngest graduates in 2 years and i understand that ...my plan was always to do the same with my youngest. But things happened and my plan was sped up.


Maybe, maybe, you should wait until he gets divorced in 2 years time? I understand why you 2 are doing this. Crap marriage, 5 years no sex? Blimey. But do you really know he hasn't played any part in all of this? Why is his wife always angry? A bit suspicious...


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

I intercepted texts when I was married from XH about how much he hated spending vacations with me and how he hated spending time with me. Guess what he had said to me earlier that day? "I love going on vacation. It's so nice when we get to spend time with each other." People who cheat on their spouses create their own narratives maybe subconsciously in an effort themselves feel better about cheating. Do you REALLY think it's ok for you to cheat on your husband because you are friends with this guys? If your respective spouses are so awful, why didn't you both get divorced THEN start dating? Is it ok to go back on your vows? Would you be oK if your husband was doing the same thing to you? Women aren't stupid. His wife probably senses something's going on even if she doesn't know what. For all you know, she knows about past cheating he hasn't disclosed and that's why she's angry. You don't know what it's like being inside a marriage unless you're in that marriage so stop buying his line of BS. The betrayal you are committing against your friend, his wife, and your husband and the kids is just devastating. If you stop now, vow to end the affair and divorce if you're both so terribly unhappy in your marriages, you have a chance to salvage some sense of decency. It doesn't sound like your affair partner has any intention of leaving his wife. He just wants someone to b*(^% to about her and some sex. That's it. That's your contribution. Is that what you're worth? Be more than that. Walk away.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

joannacroc said:


> I intercepted texts when I was married from XH about how much he hated spending vacations with me and how he hated spending time with me. Guess what he had said to me earlier that day? "I love going on vacation. It's so nice when we get to spend time with each other." People who cheat on their spouses create their own narratives maybe subconsciously in an effort themselves feel better about cheating. Do you REALLY think it's ok for you to cheat on your husband because you are friends with this guys? If your respective spouses are so awful, why didn't you both get divorced THEN start dating? Is it ok to go back on your vows? Would you be oK if your husband was doing the same thing to you? Women aren't stupid. His wife probably senses something's going on even if she doesn't know what. For all you know, she knows about past cheating he hasn't disclosed and that's why she's angry. You don't know what it's like being inside a marriage unless you're in that marriage so stop buying his line of BS. The betrayal you are committing against your friend, his wife, and your husband and the kids is just devastating. If you stop now, vow to end the affair and divorce if you're both so terribly unhappy in your marriages, you have a chance to salvage some sense of decency. It doesn't sound like your affair partner has any intention of leaving his wife. He just wants someone to b*(^% to about her and some sex. That's it. That's your contribution. Is that what you're worth? Be more than that. Walk away.


The OP IS divorcing her husband?


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

In Absentia said:


> The OP IS divorcing her husband?


I get it but I'm saying if they really are gonna make a try at it, wait until after a divorce. End it. If they are so "meant to be together" it will be able to withstand a wait. It will be quite telling what the OM does because I doubt he will go through with a divorce. I have a feeling he is a cake eater.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

joannacroc said:


> I get it but I'm saying if they really are gonna make a try at it, wait until after a divorce. End it. If they are so "meant to be together" it will be able to withstand a wait. It will be quite telling what the OM does because I doubt he will go through with a divorce. I have a feeling he is a cake eater.


Yes and the OM isnt divorcing his wife.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

joannacroc said:


> I get it but I'm saying if they really are gonna make a try at it, wait until after a divorce. End it. If they are so "meant to be together" it will be able to withstand a wait. It will be quite telling what the OM does because I doubt he will go through with a divorce. I have a feeling he is a cake eater.


She is saying everything is on hold because of Covid... I don't blame her for not hanging around, but we don't really know enough about her new man's situation... yes, he could be a cake eater.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Diana7 said:


> Yes and the OM isnt divorcing his wife.


See above! But apparently the OM will be divorcing his wife...


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

In Absentia said:


> See above! But apparently the OM will be divorcing his wife...


So he claims, in 2 years time though. He may or he may not but until that time he is another woman's husband.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

They haven’t had sex in five years and she suddenly makes a move? She’s suspicious. And she’ll probably start looking at you.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

It is OP’s divorce that is being held up due to the Rona. In her opening post, she says that her marriage has been bad for a long time but doesn’t make the connection to her having a crush on her business partner for 6 years? Typical marital history revisionism. 

If instead of putting all of her emotional energy and time into her “partnership “ had invested in her marriage, she would not be on the road to divorce while scheming to steal another woman’s husband.

The POSOM sleazily made his move when you’re moving into your “sweet” apartment? He could smell your desperation getting off the elevator. Very sad that you actually think that what you’re doing is ok.


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

In Absentia said:


> She is saying everything is on hold because of Covid... I don't blame her for not hanging around, but we don't really know enough about her new man's situation... yes, he could be a cake eater.


We know what she has told us about his situation, which is more than any of us will ever know. Based on what she said and the fact that I'm a guy who has many friends and been around for a long time...I would literally put money on my previous assessment and win that bet. The only way that guy will leave his wife will be when she becomes wise to the situation and kicks his ass to the curb.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

unfortunately, we don't know much about the OM's situation, so we can only speculate...


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## onmyownwith3girls (Apr 6, 2021)

sokillme said:


> Here is the deal, some people don't have the stuff to be in long lasting relationships. You should probably resign yourself that you are one of those people.


I was married for 24 years - i don't have the stuff to be in long lasting relationships? Untrue. I would have remained married for another 20 years if the situation that was presented to me hadn't hit me in a face like a freight train. 
Prior to being married, i only had 1 other serious relationship that lasted 10 years..so...


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## onmyownwith3girls (Apr 6, 2021)

aine said:


> Oh Please the level of self-delusion with you is amazing. You tried to be a good friend but had the hots for her husband for some time. A woman knows when to draw the line with a male so that it is very clear there is a no-go zone. You did not implement the no-go zone, you wanted him and it suited you to use their troubled relationship as your foot in the doorway, yet you think you are a great friend. You, my dear are what we would call a self-serving b**** where I come from.
> You also never stopped to think that his wife is going through menopause, his lack of attention, support because he was too busy chasing your skirt.
> You really are a prize catch, not!


You've never had a silent crush on another man/woman? If you say no, you're lying. Crushes are a NORMAL part of life (acting on them is not), it's Human. 
I didn't "Want" him, i never "Wanted" him.. 
She's not going through menopause - we had that discussion last year so excuse me for that. Her words, not mine "i could never have sex again for the rest of my life and be completely content. Sex isn't anything i care about". 
He was NEVER chasing my skirt. Never.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

onmyownwith3girls said:


> You've never had a silent crush on another man/woman? If you say no, you're lying. Crushes are a NORMAL part of life (acting on them is not), it's Human.
> I didn't "Want" him, i never "Wanted" him..
> She's not going through menopause - we had that discussion last year so excuse me for that. Her words, not mine "i could never have sex again for the rest of my life and be completely content. Sex isn't anything i care about".
> He was NEVER chasing my skirt. Never.


You will never satisfy posters on TAM... until you divorce from your husband and your man divorces from his wife...


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## onmyownwith3girls (Apr 6, 2021)

heartsbeating said:


> Okay, now for an answer to your questions. Yes, I think you're wasting your time. His actions do not demonstrate any significant change is occurring to divorce, let alone then to merge lives with you. For your sake, it doesn't matter the reasons why. Just face the reality of the actions. Don't ask him to leave either. He's a grown man. He ought to have figured out by now whether he wants to leave or not. While I don't like power-dynamics in romantic relationships, this is one where I suggest you'll be giving him unwarranted leverage if you do ask him.


I appreciate that. You are correct. I have never asked him to leave. Not once.


In Absentia said:


> You will never satisfy posters on TAM... until you divorce from your husband and your man divorces from his wife...


I'm seeing that. And..i can understand it.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

onmyownwith3girls said:


> I was married for 24 years - i don't have the stuff to be in long lasting relationships? Untrue. I would have remained married for another 20 years *if the situation that was presented to me hadn't hit me in a face like a freight train*.
> Prior to being married, i only had 1 other serious relationship that lasted 10 years..so...


I understand what you're saying but take a look at the word choice bolded above. If nothing else, if you never see the other man again, please understand that this wasn't something that just happened to you. *It was allowed to happen by poor boundaries and a series of poor choices. *You could have said no when he hit on you. You could have stopped it early on, you could have decided to refocus on your marriage or decided you wanted to divorce if you were unhappy before this other guy came along. You could have made the decision to leave your marriage before you got involved with someone else, and you could have made the decision not implode his wife and kids' lives by getting involved with a married man. *You made the choice to not do those things*.

As you said, you had 24 years under your belt which suggests a significant time and emotional investment. I'm not judging you leaving a marriage, I'm just suggesting that now you have, look at the things that occur in your life and acknowledge the choices you made that put you in the situation you're currently in. Only then will you be able to take stock of your boundaries, and see how you might want to change them if you are ready for another relationship one day.


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## onmyownwith3girls (Apr 6, 2021)

joannacroc said:


> I understand what you're saying but take a look at the word choice bolded above. If nothing else, if you never see the other man again, please understand that this wasn't something that just happened to you. *It was allowed to happen by poor boundaries and a series of poor choices. *You could have said no when he hit on you. You could have stopped it early on, you could have decided to refocus on your marriage or decided you wanted to divorce if you were unhappy before this other guy came along. You could have made the decision to leave your marriage before you got involved with someone else, and you could have made the decision not implode his wife and kids' lives by getting involved with a married man. *You made the choice to not do those things*.
> 
> As you said, you had 24 years under your belt which suggests a significant time and emotional investment. I'm not judging you leaving a marriage, I'm just suggesting that now you have, look at the things that occur in your life and acknowledge the choices you made that put you in the situation you're currently in. Only then will you be able to take stock of your boundaries, and see how you might want to change them if you are ready for another relationship one day.


When i said *if the situation that was presented to me hadn't hit me in a face like a freight train*. I was referring to the situation that occurred to make me end my marriage. Not him hitting on me.


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## onmyownwith3girls (Apr 6, 2021)

onmyownwith3girls said:


> When i said *if the situation that was presented to me hadn't hit me in a face like a freight train*. I was referring to the situation that occurred to make me end my marriage. Not him hitting on me.


Also, He 'hit on me' a year after my marriage fell apart. actually 15 months later. Not that the amount of time out of my marriage means anything - but thought it was noteworthy.


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## DesertRat1978 (Aug 27, 2013)

I will agree with others that there is something off about him wanting to wait two years (or until his youngest graduates). If they are ok with it now then time to cut the cord and move on for him. Its somewhat clear that he is comfortable with her even if there is no passion. He wants the comfort, routine, predictability of her and the adrenaline rush of having the OP on the side. The main issue is that when the time comes (2 years from now), he is still going to be reticent to leave her and then the OP is going to feel betrayed.


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

onmyownwith3girls said:


> Also, He 'hit on me' a year after my marriage fell apart. actually 15 months later. Not that the amount of time out of my marriage means anything - but thought it was noteworthy.


Ok, so you were going through the divorce process when he hit on you. In my first post to you about the question directed at the men, my answer hasn't changed, just take the "you cheated" part out.

A good rule of thumb - if someone wants to be with you, they will make it happen. Waiting two years doesn't sound to me like it's going to happen. You are still cheating with him, so of course in his mind you are still a "bestie" but with benefits.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

onmyownwith3girls said:


> Also, He 'hit on me' a year after my marriage fell apart. actually 15 months later. Not that the amount of time out of my marriage means anything - but thought it was noteworthy.


But he is still very much married so what does that say about him? He isnt free to be with another woman until he ends his marriage.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

@onmyownwith3girls having read the responses so far, how are you feeling about the views offered and in relation to your own?


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

If he was so unhappy why didn’t he divorce her? Instead he had an affair.

The guy has no morals. He will cheat on you if you stay with him.


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## Girlonfire (Apr 7, 2021)

The core character traits of a person tend to remain stable over a lifetime. This doesn’t mean we classify someone or label as a cheater. Just that he could be someone who avoids taking tough decisions. Or he has problems setting boundaries.

ultimately, this will remain a part of his core temperament for years to come. It rarely changes and if it ever does, only with lots of introspective therapeutic work. Some day, these very traits might haunt your relationship with him too.

I’m not saying “once a cheater, always a cheater” or something cliched like that.
What I’m saying is, you should be concerned about his lack of decisiveness and boundaries. Once the marriage is out of the way and you become the main partner, he might resort to similar practices with you.
Both of you need to separately work on your own issues first and then see if you can find a way to make it work outside of your marriages, once they end.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

It’s likely he avoids conflict. 

How did you two become business partners?


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## Girlonfire (Apr 7, 2021)

Beach123 said:


> It’s likely he avoids conflict.
> 
> 
> Yep.


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## onmyownwith3girls (Apr 6, 2021)

Nope..he definitely does not avoid conflict. Not at all. You can only take part in conflict for so long until your partner decides that is all she wants to do is yell instead of have a conversation. There comes a point where you've offered counceling, sitting and talking with an adult conversation and been turned down for all of that and then at that point, just walking away when the screaming starts until and unless she can have a calm, mature conversation - which is never.


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## onmyownwith3girls (Apr 6, 2021)

Beach123 said:


> It’s likely he avoids conflict.
> 
> How did you two become business partners?


I became his assistant 7 years ago. Then last spring we decided to start a business that was a branch off from the current one doing something different. I'm 51% owner.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

onmyownwith3girls said:


> When i said *if the situation that was presented to me hadn't hit me in a face like a freight train*. I was referring to the situation that occurred to make me end my marriage. Not him hitting on me.


Hey, don’t drop that nugget and leave us hanging. What did the father of your children and husband of 24 years do that was so bad? Maybe if we understood that part of the story you wouldn’t get as many 2x4s. 

I say maybe because you’re still chasing after another woman’s husband, which is pretty skeez, if you ask me.


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## onmyownwith3girls (Apr 6, 2021)

jsmart said:


> Hey, don’t drop that nugget and leave us hanging. What did the father of your children and husband of 24 years do that was so bad? Maybe if we understood that part of the story you wouldn’t get as many 2x4s.
> 
> I say maybe because you’re still chasing after another woman’s husband, which is pretty skeez, if you ask me.


If you must know, he had a gambling problem, spent over 400K from our retirement account, drained our bank accounts, put the house in foreclosure - which i was able to save. So ... there you go.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

I'm not going to judge you. I will just answer the question you posted for the guys.

Yes you are wasting your time. Not saying he doesn't like you or even have feelings for you but you were convenient. You were there, you were safe. Having business together gave you a reason to spend time together. As a married man he couldn't openly go out and look for other women even if he wanted to. You were the easiest and most comfortable option. Once he's single he's going to have a ton of options. New options, he's had you, no offense. Some of those options will be much younger and won't have kids. Besides, even as a cheater he knows that he can't trust a cheater. You probably know that too. 

I know what you're thinking, I know him, we're best friends. Yes honey, you are best friends until a younger, hotter, "best friend" comes into the picture.


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## onmyownwith3girls (Apr 6, 2021)

Al_Bundy said:


> I'm not going to judge you. I will just answer the question you posted for the guys.
> 
> Yes you are wasting your time. Not saying he doesn't like you or even have feelings for you but you were convenient. You were there, you were safe. Having business together gave you a reason to spend time together. As a married man he couldn't openly go out and look for other women even if he wanted to. You were the easiest and most comfortable option. Once he's single he's going to have a ton of options. New options, he's had you, no offense. Some of those options will be much younger and won't have kids. Besides, even as a cheater he knows that he can't trust a cheater. You probably know that too.
> 
> I know what you're thinking, I know him, we're best friends. Yes honey, you are best friends until a younger, hotter, "best friend" comes into the picture.


That one - out of all responses - stung the most.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

onmyownwith3girls said:


> That one - out of all responses - stung the most.


Truth always does.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

onmyownwith3girls said:


> If you must know, he had a gambling problem, spent over 400K from our retirement account, drained our bank accounts, put the house in foreclosure - which i was able to save. So ... there you go.


Why didn’t you divorce him sooner?

Divorce knowing you’ll be away from yourH issues - to some extent.

But don’t be surprised if the OM doesn’t divorce.


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## onmyownwith3girls (Apr 6, 2021)

Torninhalf said:


> Truth always does.


You are correct. With that said, I know every situation is different. I'm not saying I am the exception to the rule and it won't have the stereotypical end result of an affair. I do think though (actually i KNOW) that sometimes these relationships work out. Im not saying this will...i'm not saying it won't. And certainly neither without a mess and really hurt feelings. 
I put myself in this situation - i allowed it. He allowed it.


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## onmyownwith3girls (Apr 6, 2021)

Beach123 said:


> Why didn’t you divorce him sooner?
> 
> Divorce knowing you’ll be away from yourH issues - to some extent.
> 
> But don’t be surprised if the OM doesn’t divorce.


Why didn't i divorce him sooner? I found out and filed within a month after i had done my due diligence, research, notes, documentation...............


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

onmyownwith3girls said:


> You are correct. With that said, I know every situation is different. I'm not saying I am the exception to the rule and it won't have the stereotypical end result of an affair. I do think though (actually i KNOW) that sometimes these relationships work out. Im not saying this will...i'm not saying it won't. And certainly neither without a mess and really hurt feelings.
> I put myself in this situation - i allowed it. He allowed it.


How will you explain to your kids that you are a home wrecker?


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## onmyownwith3girls (Apr 6, 2021)

Al_Bundy said:


> I'm not going to judge you. I will just answer the question you posted for the guys.
> 
> Yes you are wasting your time. Not saying he doesn't like you or even have feelings for you but you were convenient. You were there, you were safe. Having business together gave you a reason to spend time together. As a married man he couldn't openly go out and look for other women even if he wanted to. You were the easiest and most comfortable option. Once he's single he's going to have a ton of options. New options, he's had you, no offense. Some of those options will be much younger and won't have kids. Besides, even as a cheater he knows that he can't trust a cheater. You probably know that too.
> 
> I know what you're thinking, I know him, we're best friends. Yes honey, you are best friends until a younger, hotter, "best friend" comes into the picture.


Also... he and i have had that conversation. Exactly that conversation - it was long and real... we did discuss the 'once a cheater' saying, we discussed the will you trust me comment... we discussed the single someday thing...we discussed it all. So yes, this all stings... and at the same time, we discussed every one of these details. I think what stings the most is that the whole conversation we had is now- in my head - replaced with this.


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

onmyownwith3girls said:


> You are correct. With that said, I know every situation is different. I'm not saying I am the exception to the rule and it won't have the stereotypical end result of an affair. I do think though (actually i KNOW) that sometimes these relationships work out. Im not saying this will...i'm not saying it won't. And certainly neither without a mess and really hurt feelings.
> I put myself in this situation - i allowed it. He allowed it.


Like Al_Bundy said, you have three kids and you're older. If a younger, nicer model comes along you're toast baby. Ask me how I know.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

onmyownwith3girls said:


> Also... he and i have had that conversation. Exactly that conversation - it was long and real... we did discuss the 'once a cheater' saying, we discussed the will you trust me comment... we discussed the single someday thing...we discussed it all. So yes, this all stings... and at the same time, we discussed every one of these details. I think what stings the most is that the whole conversation we had is now- in my head - replaced with this.


Not trying to pile on, just a different pov. Here's one conversation you probably did not have. Guessing you are at least in your 40s and so is your guy. If he has done well for himself financially and has taken care of himself physically he will have access to women 20yrs younger than you. Women who don't have any connections to his old life. Women that won't bring a ton of questions as to how they got together. Are you competitive against women who are 10 or even 20 years younger? Women who have less history and baggage? I'm not saying you're a bad person, but if he gets with someone else, that makes it a whole lot easier for him with his kids, friends, family, etc... 

You might be the most positive thing in his life right now but once he gets divorced you're just part of his past. You're the slice of bacon on a crap sandwich. Sometimes when people split they want to leave that old life behind........all of it. The good, bad and the ugly.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

onmyownwith3girls said:


> Why didn't i divorce him sooner? I found out and filed within a month after i had done my due diligence, research, notes, documentation...............


Ok. So you knew you would be divorced. Why didn’t you at the VERY least wait until your divorce was final - to start seeing anyone?


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## onmyownwith3girls (Apr 6, 2021)

Torninhalf said:


> How will you explain to your kids that you are a home wrecker?


Interesting. please take this the right way - i'm not saying i'm not wrong..but let me pose this and then i'll answer the question. Why is it always 'the other woman' who is the homewrecker? Why isn't the wife who has disrespected him, alientated affection from him, verbally abused her spouse and children the homewrecker. Yes, i understand - vows and he coujld have left... but honestly, if anyone wrecked a home... i'm not the one who did that. She drove that car into the ditch herself.

Now...How will i explain that to the kids? Interestingly enough -kids on his side and kids on my side have said SO many times..in effect... why dont you guys just get married? More times than i can count. Again, saying that is much different than the situation, i understand that. But believe me when i tell you - i don't see these kids having an issue. I don't want them to find out the details of course and that's my mess to clean up but i don't think these kids would be shocked and i dont think they'd be upset. If you only knew the relationships, you'd understand why i can say that.


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## onmyownwith3girls (Apr 6, 2021)

Al_Bundy said:


> Not trying to pile on, just a different pov. Here's one conversation you probably did not have. Guessing you are at least in your 40s and so is your guy. If he has done well for himself financially and has taken care of himself physically he will have access to women 20yrs younger than you. Women who don't have any connections to his old life. Women that won't bring a ton of questions as to how they got together. Are you competitive against women who are 10 or even 20 years younger? Women who have less history and baggage? I'm not saying you're a bad person, but if he gets with someone else, that makes it a whole lot easier for him with his kids, friends, family, etc...
> 
> You might be the most positive thing in his life right now but once he gets divorced you're just part of his past. You're the slice of bacon on a crap sandwich. Sometimes when people split they want to leave that old life behind........all of it. The good, bad and the ugly.


We are in our 50s. He has not done well for himself financially, he is secure, has a nice home but paycheck to paycheck, has retirement but does not come from money and does struggle to make ends meet sometimes. - he is in civil service and a trade. he's also a veteran. Take care of himself physically? Well, his job is a workout but he's not the 6 pack, in shape guy at all. Dad bod.
I'm not competitive - at all.
I understand what you are saying.


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## marko polo (Jan 26, 2021)

onmyownwith3girls said:


> That one - out of all responses - stung the most.


The reality of your situation explained in this particular response is accurate.

Certainly you can choose to ignore it or believe you are that rare exception that exists. Likely you will be very disappointed.


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## onmyownwith3girls (Apr 6, 2021)

Beach123 said:


> Ok. So you knew you would be divorced. Why didn’t you at the VERY least wait until your divorce was final - to start seeing anyone?


This was 100% not planned, not on my radar, not anything i ever anticipated, expected. 
Have we flirted for years just in a playful way? Yes. But never, ever did i expect this at all from him, not one little bit.


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## onmyownwith3girls (Apr 6, 2021)

marko polo said:


> The reality of your situation explained in this particular response is accurate.
> 
> Certainly you can choose to ignore it or believe you are that rare exception that exists. Likely you will be very disappointed.


You could be right. You may not be. Trying to figure my life out and take the reigns.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

What would you tell your daughters if they were in this situation where it involved them and your grandchildren.


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## onmyownwith3girls (Apr 6, 2021)

I


Al_Bundy said:


> What would you tell your daughters if they were in this situation where it involved them and your grandchildren.


I think you know my answer. It would be the same answer as you would tell your daughters...or sons.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

I'm sure the thought of moving forward without him or anyone is probably very frightening. He probably feels the same way. I'm sure you two are very comforting for each other. It's a relationship of convenience right now. If you do proceed at least do so with your eyes wide open.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

onmyownwith3girls said:


> This was 100% not planned, not on my radar, not anything i ever anticipated, expected.
> Have we flirted for years just in a playful way? Yes. But never, ever did i expect this at all from him, not one little bit.


If he is so terribly unhappy and wants to be free to date you, there is nothing at all to stop him ending his marriage. I don't know why people think that it will suddenly make it easier on their children if they are 18 and not 16, it makes no difference. All you need to do is to say once we are both single then maybe we can see how things go. Then the ball is in his court. Right now he isn't free to be with you or flirt with you.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Al_Bundy said:


> Not trying to pile on, just a different pov. Here's one conversation you probably did not have. Guessing you are at least in your 40s and so is your guy. If he has done well for himself financially and has taken care of himself physically he will have access to women 20yrs younger than you. Women who don't have any connections to his old life. Women that won't bring a ton of questions as to how they got together. Are you competitive against women who are 10 or even 20 years younger? Women who have less history and baggage? I'm not saying you're a bad person, but if he gets with someone else, that makes it a whole lot easier for him with his kids, friends, family, etc...
> 
> You might be the most positive thing in his life right now but once he gets divorced you're just part of his past. You're the slice of bacon on a crap sandwich. Sometimes when people split they want to leave that old life behind........all of it. The good, bad and the ugly.


I always think it's amusing that some men seem to think that if they become divorced in their 40's or 50's they will have a queue of 20 something year old women wanting them. Unless you are mega rich and are happy to date women who just want to spend your money it just simply isn't true.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Why don’t you not date him or see him (except under business circumstances) until BOTH of you are divorced?

At least you would be staying away from a married man until he actually gets his divorce finalized.


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## NTA (Mar 28, 2021)

> Are you competitive against women who are 10 or even 20 years younger? Women who have less history and baggage?


My husband tells me that his just a friend ex had a lot of baggage and she's 21 years younger than I am.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Diana7 said:


> If he is so terribly unhappy and wants to be free to date you, there is nothing at all to stop him ending his marriage. I don't know why people think that it will suddenly make it easier on their children if they are 18 and not 16, it makes no difference. All you need to do is to say once we are both single then maybe we can see how things go. Then the ball is in his court. Right now he isn't free to be with you or flirt with you.


Totally agree that your kid being 16 or 18 makes no difference. Even adult children are adversely effected by their parents divorcing.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Diana7 said:


> I always think it's amusing that some men seem to think that if they become divorced in their 40's or 50's they will have a queue of 20 something year old women wanting them. Unless you are mega rich and are happy to date women who just want to spend your money it just simply isn't true.


I think those who read about “game” take the theories way to far. While there no doubt that the OP’s boyfriend will most likely land a slightly younger, more attractive woman than his wife or OP, he’s not going to be bedding women in their 20s.

Youth is not the only thing that makes a woman attractive to a man in his 50s. I’m 56 and see some women who are my age and even slightly older who look very attractive.

I do notice that most of the guys that I know in real life who ended up divorced from wives that were all about 2 to 3 younger than them, ended up remarrying women that are about 7 to 10 years younger than their ex. Not exactly a 20 something but what man in his mid 40s to mid 50s wants to be with someone that young? I know I wouldn’t.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

I have tried to follow your thread and by way of recap this is what I understood:

You met your husband when you worked for him as his assistant.
He helped you then start a business (of which you own 51%) and the two of you had kids together and got married.
Your business partner is your best friend and now your lover.
You did not have any attraction to your husband but did have it toward your married business partner and as soon as he heard you are moving out of your house he made his move and you responded.
He (and you) have villified his wife and you do not see yourself as the other woman breaking up this marriage but rather see her as the bad person here because she doesn't treat this [email protected] well.
The reason for leaving your husband (who you were never attracted to and who helped you start your business) is because he is a gambler and his gambling debts put you at financial risk.
You got your kids involved in this and backing your infidelity.
You came here for advice on how to get the POS boyfriend to leave his wife and for support from the ladies that you are morally right.

I think the advice given here has been sound. You have cheated on your family and have used typical cheater speak to justify the infidelity. I am not saying you should have stayed with your husband. What I am saying is that you should not have married him or even had children with him for the wrong reasons! Also you should not have started up with this cheating lowlife while still married.

The chances are he will face a lot of financial stress if he tries to divorce (he lives from paycheck to paycheck you told us) and if he goes through that, will probably look for fresh younger women once he is free. He will always see you as a cheater. I know that you say that you discussed all this with him but that is worth the value of the paper it is written on! Its his actions that matter.

You need to start doing the right things going forward. Treat this divorce seriously and fairly. Drop the POS as a boyfriend (crush or no crush). And do not try to justify your affair to anybody (including your kids). You can justify your divorce but not the affair.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

ok


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

onmyownwith3girls said:


> I was married for 24 years - i don't have the stuff to be in long lasting relationships? Untrue. I would have remained married for another 20 years if the situation that was presented to me hadn't hit me in a face like a freight train.
> Prior to being married, i only had 1 other serious relationship that lasted 10 years..so...


What situation was that, that you had the hots for someone else?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

In Absentia said:


> You will never satisfy posters on TAM... until you divorce from your husband and your man divorces from his wife...


Because it is the right bloody thing to do. it is not about satisfying anyone, people satisfy themselves but the reality is, you had a **** marriage and your family is broken up why go and dabble in someone else's marriage. You are starved for love, attention, affection, I get it, you and OM get on etc but you need to go off and heal yourself. Get some therapy to find out why you would stay in what you claim is a loveless, affection starved marriage for 24 years. if you get the help you need, OM may not seem so attractive after-all.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

onmyownwith3girls said:


> Nope..he definitely does not avoid conflict. Not at all. You can only take part in conflict for so long until your partner decides that is all she wants to do is yell instead of have a conversation. There comes a point where you've offered counceling, sitting and talking with an adult conversation and been turned down for all of that and then at that point, just walking away when the screaming starts until and unless she can have a calm, mature conversation - which is never.





onmyownwith3girls said:


> Nope..he definitely does not avoid conflict. Not at all. You can only take part in conflict for so long until your partner decides that is all she wants to do is yell instead of have a conversation. There comes a point where you've offered counceling, sitting and talking with an adult conversation and been turned down for all of that and then at that point, just walking away when the screaming starts until and unless she can have a calm, mature conversation - which is never.


And most of what you know is coming from the mouth of a cheater, you are really deluding yourself. As I said earlier, get some therapy and understand yourself first and why you would live a lie for 24 years and now that you are free go after a married man. Ask yourself that question. Their marriage is absolutely none of your business. Their relationship may well be a mess because of your intrusion.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

aine said:


> Because it is the right bloody thing to do.


Yes, I agree, but I also understand the OP. Two years are a long time to wait.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Yes you are competitive - you can’t stop talking about his wife, it’s creepy how obsessed you are with her. You’re competing with her alright, always have been.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

In Absentia said:


> Yes, I agree, but I also understand the OP. Two years are a long time to wait.


That's his choice isn't it.


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## onmyownwith3girls (Apr 6, 2021)

jsmart said:


> I think those who read about “game” take the theories way to far. While there no doubt that the OP’s boyfriend will most likely land a slightly younger, more attractive woman than his wife or OP, he’s not going to be bedding women in their 20s.
> 
> Youth is not the only thing that makes a woman attractive to a man in his 50s. I’m 56 and see some women who are my age and even slightly older who look very attractive.
> 
> I do notice that most of the guys that I know in real life who ended up divorced from wives that were all about 2 to 3 younger than them, ended up remarrying women that are about 7 to 10 years younger than their ex. Not exactly a 20 something but what man in his mid 40s to mid 50s wants to be with someone that young? I know I wouldn’t.


Here's something i find interesting - and common. Most men that i know who divorce in the second half of their lives end up with women who are less attractive than their former wives but kinder. And i see that so many times.
Hi wife is attractive, theres no denying that. with that said,she has physically changed a lot since body building competing and for the past number of years he's gone on how much it bothers him the way she looks..but knows its what she loves to do. The problem here is- you can be the most gorgeous woman in the world with a bad attitude and not kind and that makes one not attractive. 
Before you say it, i will... yes, and a woman who tries to steal another womans husband is ugly too. Yes yes i know.
My point is.. being pretty is one thing but when the pretty goes away, hows your heart? are you kind? beautiful inside? I have been told many times how attractive i am.. I think i'm not ugly but i dont look at me and say 'oh girl you are hot!' I'm humble but i know who i am as a person and i know that's beautiful (let's put this one flaw away for a millisecond). Men are attracted to pretty, yes... but when you learn pretty isn't beautiful or going to make you happy and you learn what beautiful is..that's a different story.


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## onmyownwith3girls (Apr 6, 2021)

Luckylucky said:


> Yes you are competitive - you can’t stop talking about his wife, it’s creepy how obsessed you are with her. You’re competing with her alright, always have been.


I never have been. I think you're confusing explanation of things that i'm being asked about and scenarios and the situation itself with obsession. I don't need to compete. Don't ask me questions and try to figure me out and then when i do say i'm obsessed bc it's creepty the way i can't stop talking about her... this is a conversation - do you want me to not mention her when it's part of the discussion?


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

And the cheater defense and justification goes on! Maybe you should send your husband here as you do not want to see the truth.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

Why do you think you're kinder?


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## onmyownwith3girls (Apr 6, 2021)

joannacroc said:


> Why do you think you're kinder?


Despite how this situation paints me - i'm a Very good person, i'm a very kind, caring, thoughtful, loving, mindful, calm, patient person. I'm not perfect, however.
Since i get chastised when i mention her I won't but ... since i know other parties in this situation on a very personal level for Years... i can say with confidence, yes..i'm kinder. MUCH kinder.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

onmyownwith3girls said:


> Interesting. please take this the right way - i'm not saying i'm not wrong..but let me pose this and then i'll answer the question. Why is it always 'the other woman' who is the homewrecker? Why isn't the wife who has disrespected him, alientated affection from him, verbally abused her spouse and children the homewrecker. Yes, i understand - vows and he coujld have left... but honestly, if anyone wrecked a home... i'm not the one who did that. She drove that car into the ditch herself.
> 
> Now...How will i explain that to the kids? Interestingly enough -kids on his side and kids on my side have said SO many times..in effect... why dont you guys just get married? More times than i can count. Again, saying that is much different than the situation, i understand that. But believe me when i tell you - i don't see these kids having an issue. I don't want them to find out the details of course and that's my mess to clean up but i don't think these kids would be shocked and i dont think they'd be upset. If you only knew the relationships, you'd understand why i can say that.


It seems to me you have this covered from every angle. You want to view yourself as something other than what you really are. If he was so unhappy he should have left his wife. 
You sound like a child who says but...
You know screwing another woman’s husband is wrong, there are NO excuses that make it ok. NONE. Not one.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

onmyownwith3girls said:


> Despite how this situation paints me - i'm a Very good person, i'm a very kind, caring, thoughtful, loving, mindful, calm, patient person. I'm not perfect, however.
> Since i get chastised when i mention her I won't but ... since i know other parties in this situation on a very personal level for Years... i can say with confidence, yes..i'm kinder. MUCH kinder.


Does his wife know he is unhappy in the marriage? Or is he pretending everything is ok? Although, 5 years of no sex speaks volumes...


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

It’s not very kind to steal husbands. 

How kind are you to YOUR man?

I’m kind I’m kind I’m kind, look at all the ‘I’m’ in your posts. 

And I KNEW she was beautiful, sounds like she’s also doing a nice 180 on Mr DadBod and you and he don’t like it one bit. 😉


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## onmyownwith3girls (Apr 6, 2021)

In Absentia said:


> Does his wife know he is unhappy in the marriage? Or is he pretending everything is ok? Although, 5 years of no sex speaks volumes...


She knows! he's told her over and over and over and over again - he's not at all pretending everything is ok. The number of times he's expressed his frustration, his resentment about things, i can't count. The amount of times that she's expressed her frustration, her resentment is more times than ever. 
Neither one of them is happy. She can't get along with any of her sons and they are Good boys - handfuls growing up but Good boys but she treats them with the same disrespect. All she knows is yelling..that's it. 

Despite the amount of times her boys and husband talk to her about anything - she flips her lid. 
He can't figure out why 5 years with no sex - one excuse after another with her - it hurts (so see a doctor then....no im not seeing a doctor), I'm tired (we all are), I'm not in the mood...


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## onmyownwith3girls (Apr 6, 2021)

Luckylucky said:


> It’s not very kind to steal husbands.
> 
> How kind are you to YOUR man?
> 
> ...


what do you mean doing a nice 180 on mr dadbod?


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

onmyownwith3girls said:


> She knows! he's told her over and over and over and over again - he's not at all pretending everything is ok. The number of times he's expressed his frustration, his resentment about things, i can't count. The amount of times that she's expressed her frustration, her resentment is more times than ever.
> Neither one of them is happy. She can't get along with any of her sons and they are Good boys - handfuls growing up but Good boys but she treats them with the same disrespect. All she knows is yelling..that's it.
> 
> Despite the amount of times her boys and husband talk to her about anything - she flips her lid.
> He can't figure out why 5 years with no sex - one excuse after another with her - it hurts (so see a doctor then....no im not seeing a doctor), I'm tired (we all are), I'm not in the mood...


Can I ask you why he wants to stay until the boy is 18? What difference is it going to make?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

onmyownwith3girls said:


> She knows! he's told her over and over and over and over again - he's not at all pretending everything is ok. The number of times he's expressed his frustration, his resentment about things, i can't count. The amount of times that she's expressed her frustration, her resentment is more times than ever.
> Neither one of them is happy. She can't get along with any of her sons and they are Good boys - handfuls growing up but Good boys but she treats them with the same disrespect. All she knows is yelling..that's it.
> 
> Despite the amount of times her boys and husband talk to her about anything - she flips her lid.
> He can't figure out why 5 years with no sex - one excuse after another with her - it hurts (so see a doctor then....no im not seeing a doctor), I'm tired (we all are), I'm not in the mood...


If their marriage is so desperately unhappy and the boys also are unhappy then there is no reason at all why he cant end it. For whatever reason he isnt. Once he has ended his marriage and yours is also ended, then you can persue this relationship, but as of now he isnt free to be with anyone else. I think he is making excuses not to end it or he would be by now. 
If you want to do the right thing, tell him that you can't have a relationship with him right now as he is married. She what he does then, I suspect he will still not end his marriage. I suspect he never will.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

In Absentia said:


> Can I ask you why he wants to stay until the boy is 18? What difference is it going to make?


Especially as they are also apparently unhappy with the situation.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Diana7 said:


> Especially as they are also apparently unhappy with the situation.


Maybe he wants them out of the house when he drops the bomb...


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## onmyownwith3girls (Apr 6, 2021)

In Absentia said:


> Can I ask you why he wants to stay until the boy is 18? What difference is it going to make?


I've asked him that many times - and it's something he's said for the past 6 years "Once he is graduated and gone, i'm out of there. i'm divorcing her when he's graduated" so...that's not just a line he's feeding me, as i've been told he is doing from replies here. I've been hearing about this for Years. 
When i've asked why - his answer has remained the same "i just want my son(s) to be completely raised in the house they grew up in..i want them secure and be raised in only 1 home."
They have a beautiful home, right on the water, lots of toys, etc. It's impressive and some people need that show offy stuff when they aren't happy with themselves... 
He grew up poor, very poor and didn't have what he has been able to give his sons. He wants them to have that all until they move on to the next chapter of their lives. 
I get that.
He has gone over with his best guy friend -just 3 weeks ago (and for the past 8 months or so) - his plan with what he wants to keep, what to give her, he wants to give her x additional amount if she would agree to leave his pension alone, give her more than half of the house, etc. He's got the money situation all sorted out in his head.. i mean, there's been so much thought put into his departure, it's crazy. And it's not just what he's telling me...


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

Leave his pension alone? 😂 
Half that pension is hers. Half of everything is hers. Wait till she finds out he is having an affair. 😂
You have no clue how asinine you sound. 🤷🏼‍♀️


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## onmyownwith3girls (Apr 6, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Especially as they are also apparently unhappy with the situation.


How can i say this without being persecuted for bringing her up. She has a ****load of friends who she puts on a good show for - she portrays herself one way as a fitness coach and everyone LOVES her - behind closed doors is different, right? She has a reputation to uphold for her business and (she had said to me Years ago..) I'd rather stay where i am and be miserable. I love my house, i'm never leaving it no matter what. People love coming over, i love showing it off and it feels good that people admire me". 
Yup, good reason to stay.


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## onmyownwith3girls (Apr 6, 2021)

In Absentia said:


> Maybe he wants them out of the house when he drops the bomb...


They were in the house the other night when she lost her **** over a pot left on the stove and screamed she was getting her own apartment because she was so done. That' won't happen, she'll never leave..reputation to uphold!
She's never really held back in front of her kids - neither has he.


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## onmyownwith3girls (Apr 6, 2021)

Torninhalf said:


> Leave his pension alone? 😂
> Half that pension is hers. Half of everything is hers. Wait till she finds out he is having an affair. 😂
> You have no clue how asinine you sound. 🤷🏼‍♀️


Yup, everything is half hers. If he's willing to give up 85% of the house value instead of 50% and willing to take on their debt in exchange...yes, its possible - a divorce is a business deal. Although everything is 50/50, that's what negotiations are. 
I'm going through it now.. i knwo Exactly how it works.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

onmyownwith3girls said:


> I've asked him that many times - and it's something he's said for the past 6 years "Once he is graduated and gone, i'm out of there. i'm divorcing her when he's graduated" so...that's not just a line he's feeding me, as i've been told he is doing from replies here. I've been hearing about this for Years.
> When i've asked why - his answer has remained the same "i just want my son(s) to be completely raised in the house they grew up in..i want them secure and be raised in only 1 home."
> They have a beautiful home, right on the water, lots of toys, etc. It's impressive and some people need that show offy stuff when they aren't happy with themselves...
> He grew up poor, very poor and didn't have what he has been able to give his sons. He wants them to have that all until they move on to the next chapter of their lives.
> ...


I was going to do the same. Wait until the youngest went to uni. I guess it feels like you've finished your "job", as a father. That didn't happen, because I'm a coward (well, it's a long story...)  Anyway, I do understand that, but an affair? I couldn't do it, even if very unhappy in my marriage. I'm less incline to bash you, because I know how soul destroying is to be unhappy.


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

Why don't you both do the honest thing and tell his wife what's going on? In fact if you believe the stories he's feeding you, it may just well be met with welcome relief from him and the kids. Then you two can tell her she can keep 85% of the house, among other agreements.


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## Girlonfire (Apr 7, 2021)

OP, it seems like you’ve made up your mind about this whole situation. You’ve convinced yourself that the two of you are right and it’s his wife who is the problem. The question now is: what are you the two of you willing to do about it going further? What sort of answers or validation are you looking for from us? Are you willing to wait and continue as the OW or are you going to give him an ultimatum to end his marriage?


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

jsmart said:


> I think those who read about “game” take the theories way to far. While there no doubt that the OP’s boyfriend will most likely land a slightly younger, more attractive woman than his wife or OP, he’s not going to be bedding women in their 20s.
> 
> Youth is not the only thing that makes a woman attractive to a man in his 50s. I’m 56 and see some women who are my age and even slightly older who look very attractive.
> 
> I do notice that most of the guys that I know in real life who ended up divorced from wives that were all about 2 to 3 younger than them, ended up remarrying women that are about 7 to 10 years younger than their ex. Not exactly a 20 something but what man in his mid 40s to mid 50s wants to be with someone that young? I know I wouldn’t.


I'm sure there's a difference between a guy who has spent most of his adult life married and a guy who didn't marry until his late 30s or early 40s. I think the first group, both men and women have a lot of unrealistic expectations and fantasies. However in their defense, that's all they can have since they don't have much experience. The other group has just that, experience. 

Also "rich" is relative. $100k in NYC won't get you very far but the guy in Mobile, AL with a $100k a year will be living like a king.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> I always think it's amusing that some men seem to think that if they become divorced in their 40's or 50's they will have a queue of 20 something year old women wanting them. Unless you are mega rich and are happy to date women who just want to spend your money it just simply isn't true.


Women do the same thing it's just dressed up in a prettier package (Live, Laugh, Love). She deems the guy she got with in her youth is now a loser, which he may be, and now she decides she can "do better".


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

onmyownwith3girls said:


> Here's something i find interesting - and common. Most men that i know who divorce in the second half of their lives end up with women who are less attractive than their former wives but kinder. And i see that so many times.
> Hi wife is attractive, theres no denying that. with that said,she has physically changed a lot since body building competing and for the past number of years he's gone on how much it bothers him the way she looks..but knows its what she loves to do. The problem here is- you can be the most gorgeous woman in the world with a bad attitude and not kind and that makes one not attractive.
> Before you say it, i will... yes, and a woman who tries to steal another womans husband is ugly too. Yes yes i know.
> My point is.. being pretty is one thing but when the pretty goes away, hows your heart? are you kind? beautiful inside? I have been told many times how attractive i am.. I think i'm not ugly but i dont look at me and say 'oh girl you are hot!' I'm humble but i know who i am as a person and i know that's beautiful (let's put this one flaw away for a millisecond). Men are attracted to pretty, yes... but when you learn pretty isn't beautiful or going to make you happy and you learn what beautiful is..that's a different story.



Seriously, girl, you need some serious help. Please go and get therapy. You can dress up your actions anyway you look, look at the wife and blame her for this and that (which is none of your business). When are you going to look at your own actions? When are you going to teach your own girls that it is wrong to cast disparity on someone else's marriage and try to muscle in when you are breaking up a family. I really hope that none of your daughters ever face a woman (so called friend) like you when they are married. Believe you mean though, what goes around always comes around, that is the way of the world. You are seriously broken. AND beauty is always in the eye of the beholder. If you were as wonderful as you say you are why is the OM still with his wife? Anyway, you can dress it up anyway you want, justify to yourself anyway you want, but inside you are ugly as sin. Get over yourself and go get some therapy, you really need it.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

joannacroc said:


> Why do you think you're kinder?


Self delusion


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

onmyownwith3girls said:


> How can i say this without being persecuted for bringing her up. She has a ****load of friends who she puts on a good show for - she portrays herself one way as a fitness coach and everyone LOVES her - behind closed doors is different, right? She has a reputation to uphold for her business and (she had said to me Years ago..) I'd rather stay where i am and be miserable. I love my house, i'm never leaving it no matter what. People love coming over, i love showing it off and it feels good that people admire me".
> Yup, good reason to stay.


And you are there behind closed doors with them? Anything you know is based on what a liar is telling you! Can't you see that? You sound like a stalker, to be honest you need to get professional help, your interest in their marriage is really creepy and bordering on the obsessive. Perhaps if your spent more time on your own family and your own personal development and becoming a better person than you round on this forum, you would have less time to obsess over this horrid man and his marriage


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

jsmart said:


> So being with your husband was a mistake all along huh? Are his kids a mistake too?
> 
> *What caused your AP’s wife to become such an awful person? Her wonderful husband didn’t play a part in the marriage going south? Just like your marriage, It’s all the other person’s fault too?
> 
> ...


Is it a coincident that the OP's STBX and the neighbor AP's BW were both terrible spouses? Maybe the OP's husband the AP's wife both picked up on the EA between their spouses. It is always amazing that the betrayed are always horrible spouses.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

OP completely deleted her opening post.

Isn't it nice when people do that?

NOT.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

@onmyownwith3girls 

I understand what it is like being in a dead or zombie relationship and I’m not going to bash you over the head or give you an electronic lynching for being human. 

However you are waisting your keystrokes and bandwidth trying to demonize the wife here and it’s pointless for you to try to point out how bad she is. It just doesn’t matter. Either he will leave her or he won’t. Not your call either way. 

You’re not going to get support and blessing on this site because most of the people here have been cheated on and are ready to take up pitchforks and pick axes and torches and storm the castle if they think a spouse is looking at someone sideways. 

My advice is don’t go from the frying pan into the fire. You’ve been married in a low-level, lackluster marriage for a long time, the pizza guy is probably looking good to you. 

But don’t try to replace a full service relationship in a day. Get out and live life. Enjoy your freedom and flexibility. Lay on the couch and eat ice cream in your PJs. Throw a cooler and few clothes in the car and travel across the country to look up old friends you’ve lost touch with. Watch Brazilian orgy porn. Walk barefoot in the grass. Date some guys so young it embarrasses your daughters. Live life. 

It’s human nature to try to get right back into a relationship ASAP for fear of dying alone being eaten by your cats. Resist that. Dont focus your life and energies on this guy. 

Bang him rotten if you must to feel alive again, I get it and don’t care. But don’t let him become your life. Live for you. Begin again.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Who changed the title of the thread?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

*Due to the fact the OP has eviscerated their opening post, this thread is now closed for further replies.*


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