# Finally we can live together but he wants to be out of our marriage



## lostnbroken (Aug 21, 2009)

I am so confused. I would keep my story short if I could. 

Since we got married 3 years ago, we have lived apart most of the time. Our first year of marriage was pretty rough because I couldn't find a job where we lived and we fought all the time due to my frustration. The second year I moved away for a job in CA, 3000 miles away from him. I caught him cheating on me when I went back for his master's program graduation. He asked for one more chance and we then lived together in CA. Into the third year of our marriage. I was working on healing my broken heart and he helped me go through some difficult emotion roller coaster. The first 6mos was hard because I was still trying to find a way to forgive him and move on. Things got better and better this year. But because he couldn't get a good job in CA for 9 mos so we decided it was time for him to go back to his hometown to see if there were other opportunity. He got a really good job as soon as he moved back. We went shopping for his work clothes and got everything ready for his new job before I flew back to CA. He said he would have everything settled in a few months then I could move back to live with him. We lived apart for 4 months & I visited him twice, a full month each time. i encouraged him go hang out with his coworkers and develop his new social life. We were happy and couldn't wait to live together again. When we were apart, we talked about where we wanted to live and how exciting our future was going to be. everything seemed normal and perfect. Two weeks ago I asked him if he could fly to CA for Labor day weekend and we can drive back to his hometown. My boss already agreed that I can work from home. He said "No." He said he's not sure what he wants, he got married too young, he wants to be single. He shattered the plan we have had all these months in 2 seconds. I flew back right away and wanted to find out what was going on because he didn't want to talk to me on the phone. I saw him last friday and told him that I wouldn't call him until he wanted to talk (I stayed at a friend's). He texted me on sunday said we could meet the next day for dinner. It didnt go well coz he still wanted a separation. He said he had no feelings for me. He said our sex life was miserable. He said all he could see is us fighting all the time if we live together again. He said our first year of marriage was like a nightmare he can't forget. Tuesday I drove to his parents' (where he currently lives right now) and packed my stuff I left there B4. I had no hope left. Then he called his mom and learned I was at his home, he asked me to stay so we could talk. He asked me if we really should give our marriage a chance, if I still wanted to be with him after he broke my heart. He said he still has feelings for me. I stayed over night and we were intimate the next morning. Before he went to work on Wednesday morning he asked me to stay again. I wanted to spice things up so I got some lingerie and we were intimate Wed. & thur. night. On Wed. night after we had sex, he said if we want to be together some things have to change: me not being very jealous, us having our own friend time and me not checking his phone all the time. Last night we went out for dinner. *He asked if I ever wondered how it's like to go out with other people. i said every one does and it's normal. He told me that's what he's going through at this stage. But he promised he's not seeing anyone or met anyone* I said I just want him to know his boundaries. It's okay to hang out and get compliments from girls as long as he doesn't screw things up again for our relationship. 

I think, we are making some progress. Monday he wouldn't let me touch his hand. Now he would sleep with me in the same bed and let me hold him. And he would want to talk, in a sensible way, instead of telling me we were not going to work But he's still not very affectionate. He said he's taking it slowly since this is very stressful for both of us. 

Now I am getting confused. I am not sure what's in his head, if he wants to be with me or not, though he's not as cold as last week. I also wonder if he hides his marital status from girls (we don't wear wedding rings) and if he is flirting with them as I never appear in his social events since he started his new job. I want to know where we are right, if we have the same common ground when we are talking about us. He said me wanting to spice up our sex live is definitely very very helpful because he's tired of me rejecting him all the time. I also booked a hotel room this Sat. so maybe we can relax and talk to each other easily. Since this week when I tried to talk to him, he always said he's tired and this is stressing him out.

I want our marriage to work. I realize that I still have a lot of feelings for him when I could forgave him. he kept telling me he loves me this year and wanted me to trust him again. I don't want to give up at this point as we have been through more difficult times than how it is now. I was so ready to have a whole new and better relationship with my husband because I finally moved on and not feel miserable because of the "mistake" he made. However he makes me feel that he's pushing me away and I can't take parts in any aspect of his life. I am so heart broken and lost. Is he having cold feet? How can he just give up on our relationship and tell me it's not gonna work before we really move back together? I want to know if it's still worth for me to make any efforts for this relationship anymore. 


Thanks in advance for your suggestions and help.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

Sounds like he wants a reliable room mate and casual sex in the event he can't score ( out in the world)when he wants.
This is not a marriage and you should not accept his offer to be his room mate, you will only end up hurting yourself and make yourself feel bad.


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