# Does time heal the pain?



## slb121 (Aug 2, 2013)

Well, it is official. The house sold on October 15th and my husband is living in his apartment and I am living with my Dad for the time being, until I can get back on my feet. I feel literally sick every second of every day. I thought if we were not under the same roof anymore, that I would feel a bit of peace. However, the pain is unbearable. I miss my husband so much already...


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

It's like starting from square one if you were living with him.

It's just a setback, that's all it is. Things will get better.

Take it one day at a time and just start to move forward a little at a time.


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## LIMBOLADY (Aug 26, 2013)

I hope it gets better for you SLB.

My STBXH is moving out next weekend. I think I am mentally prepared but probably not.

We are here for you. It has to get better at some point.


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## maincourse99 (Aug 15, 2012)

Unbearable is a good description. I've been there, but we do bear it. The good news, it diminishes, but I'm 16 months from Dday and it still hurts everyday, but every day it lessens.

For me, exercise, forcing myself to socialize, and short-term anti-anxiety meds got me through the worst. I wish you the best.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

I think several factors come into how much time it takes to "get over" it all. My stbxw filed in March, we have only actually sat down one time and spoken about our marriage, had a few conversations regarding the dogs etc. We have not physically seen or spoken to each other since the end of May. Mine has never even said to my face or over the phone she wants a divorce. It was just delivered to me via attorney. So for myself the pain is as strong as it was the day she left, mainly because I think she is sick and needs help. If we had fights, discussed things, had the struggle to either save or disolve it, I think things would be different. But for myself till all her stuff is out of house, the seemily daily questions from attorneys, reminders that your life is changing the pain just stays.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

slb121 said:


> Well, it is official. The house sold on October 15th and my husband is living in his apartment and I am living with my Dad for the time being, until I can get back on my feet. I feel literally sick every second of every day. I thought if we were not under the same roof anymore, that I would feel a bit of peace. However, the pain is unbearable. I miss my husband so much already...


Physical proximity doesn't really help unless you get right with you.


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## slb121 (Aug 2, 2013)

Thank you for all the support and kind words. This situation is so much harder than I thought it would be. My husband and I stay in touch via texts - mostly about business/money. We do not have any children so thankfully that isn't an issue with us. This past weekend while we were packing up the house and getting ready to move, my husband mentioned that perhaps the time apart would make us realize how important we are to each other and maybe one day we would reconcile. I know this is a big "IF" because although he said we could start going to marriage counseling, he refused to go with me when he originally asked for the divorce. So I wonder if he was just saying that, to ease my pain. 

Worst part about this whole thing is that we had dinner together Wednesday evening to talk about paying off some of the collective debt and when the topic of reconciling came up, he said that we would never be able to reconcile unless I made some serious changes. It is so upsetting that two people see a marriage so differently. I see myself as being the one who bent over backwards to please him, was completely faithful, took care of him like he was a king and allowed him to control everything in our marriage. His view is that he was the one doing all the work and I treated him like a convenience. 

When I told him that both of us would have to make changes and work together, if we wanted to reconcile, his response was "You more than me."  It isn't a pissing competition. I am trying to communicate that we BOTH need to work on this. It cannot be just me.

I have always played the submissive role in our marriage and there was definitely emotional and verbal abuse by him. He is the party that decided not to negotiate nor discuss any option but divorce and was adamant that's how it must be. By him telling me that I need to make all the changes, it feels like he is trying to push me back into my former role, as the subordinate, dutiful wife and attempting to get me to beg him for reconciliation and then thank him for reconciling. 

While I love my husband still very much and would welcome marriage counseling and maybe one day reconciling, I certainly cannot accept full responsibility for the state of our marriage.

At this time, I am just trying to spend time with family and friends. I am joining the gym tomorrow and planned my next vacation in another state to visit my best friend. I need to try to stand on my own and not sit around, waiting for him to realize the mistake he made by ending our marriage.


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