# New and tired of my life



## lifelessons (Oct 23, 2014)

Hello,

I am new to this website, and I have quite a few basic questions for going about separation. I am married for 8 years, never really got along very well with my husband. He verbally abuses me, does not love, trust or respect me. He is very controlling and tries to control all the small and big aspects of my life, I am a dependant personality, so I have been able to survive with him until now. I can only go on if I listen to all his rules and fancies and get treated like a doormat. We have a 15 month old, and I really wish I had taken this decision before the baby was born. 

I want to tell him that I want separation, and custody of my son. He does not even allow me to take my son away for a week to my sister. So I know he will not let me take my son away forever, and he will fight me for it. How do I approach this situation. Should I first hire a lawyer before I tell him so I have legal protection, or should I involve the police? I want to keep this as civil and legal as possible. I am not at all cutout for conflicts, and my husband loves to fight. I know he doesn't care about me, all he wants is custody of our son. So I am not sure to what extent he will fight me.

Also how long does the whole process take? Is it different per state? When I walk out of the house, I want to go and stay with my sister who doesn't live in the same state. Will that be a problem if I am not residing here?

Please help.
Regards


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

lifelessons said:


> Hello,
> 
> I am new to this website, and I have quite a few basic questions for going about separation. I am married for 8 years, never really got along very well with my husband. He verbally abuses me, does not love, trust or respect me. He is very controlling and tries to control all the small and big aspects of my life, I am a dependant personality, so I have been able to survive with him until now. I can only go on if I listen to all his rules and fancies and get treated like a doormat. We have a 15 month old, and I really wish I had taken this decision before the baby was born.
> 
> ...


How long a divorce takes depends largely on where you live.

How old are you and your husband?

What basis do you think you would have to involve the police? You have not said anything to indicate that your husband is committing any kind of crime.

It's highly unlikely that you will get 100% custody of your son. Your son has two parents and has the right to have both of his parents in his life. Your husband has as much right to your son as you do.

You cannot just up and leave the state and permanently leave to another state with your son. If you do, your husband can petition the court to have your son returned to him in the family home.

Yes, you should see an attorney. The best bet is to have the attorney file for divorce and include an interim parenting and custody plan in the initial filing. With this you and your husband can share custody 50/50. You can find a place to live near enough to where your husband lives so that the two of you can share parenting.

Do you have a job? Can you support yourself?


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## lifelessons (Oct 23, 2014)

Thanks for the quick reply. Yes I do have a job and I can support myself. We are both in our mid 30s. I understand that both of us have a right to our son, but since he is so young, he is almost entirely dependent on me, his mother. The reason I brought up the police was, what if my husband doesn't allow me to leave with my son, is that something I should avail?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

lifelessons said:


> Thanks for the quick reply. Yes I do have a job and I can support myself. We are both in our mid 30s. I understand that both of us have a right to our son, but since he is so young, he is almost entirely dependent on me, his mother. The reason I brought up the police was, what if my husband doesn't allow me to leave with my son, is that something I should avail?


Your husband has every right to not allow you to leave with your son. So no, you cannot get the police to help you run off with your son.

Why is your son completely dependent on you? You go to work, right? Who cares for him when you are at work? Even if you have been the primary care giver, you son is old enough now for your husband to assume a large portion of the child care.

You don't have to move to another state to divorce your husband. And unless your husband agrees you cannot move your son out of state.

If you make the unilateral decision to move out of state (or more than a short drive from where your husband lives) you stand to lose custody of your child.

You need to see a lawyer before you do anything. Do not do anything without your lawyer telling you that it's the legally correct thing to do. 

I'm going to share a bit here about something that happened to me. I was married to a man who was abusive, to include physical abuse. He was in medical school and I supported us. 

When our son was 3.5 yrs old I got a lawyer, filed for divorce and moved out with our son. I moved out when he was at school because I feared he'd hurt me if he knew I was moving. My attorney advised me to do this this.

I was the primary care giver. If you know anything about the hours a medical student puts in (80 hr weeks were no unusual), you know that I was the primary care giver.

Well my then husband got a lawyer that day and called an emergency court hearing. The judge blasted me for removing our son from the family home. Then the judge ordered me to return our son to his father and gave his father 100% custody. I objected telling the judge that his father was not there enough to take care of a child. The judge basically told me to shut up. 

She also said sealed the divorce papers because she said that we cannot have accusations of domestic violence against a doctor in public records.

What I then did was to withdraw the divorce and I moved back into our family home with my abusive husband. There was no way I was going to let an abusive man have 100% custody my very young son.

It took me 4 more years before I had a strong enough case to file for divorce and to get the court to pay attention to the fact that my husband was abusive to both me and our son. IT also took that long for that judge to leave the bench.

When I refiled for divorce I was in a much better position. I asked the court for a full custody evaluation. Both me and my husband had to submit the names of 3 custody evaluators (6 in all) to the judge. The judge then picked one of them. I had submitted a team of two evaluators.. a man and a woman who worked at an organization called "Fathers and Family". They did a wonder job of the evaluation. The conclusion was that my husband had to go through counseling with my son until they felt that my husband had control of his anger and had built a good relationship with his son. So my then ex went through 2 years of counseling with them before they approved him to have 40% custody up from 20%.

(My son is now 25.)


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

lifelessons said:


> I want to tell him that I want separation, and custody of my son. He does not even allow me to take my son away for a week to my sister.


Your husband is probably afraid that once you get there you are not coming back. From what you have told us here, he is right.

My ex tried to do something similar with our son and so I had a court order drawn up so that he could not leave the state with our son without my written permission. He had to provide departure and return dates, addresses where he'd be and contact info. This is normal for by the way in a divorce for this kind of info to be required in order to travel out of state.


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## lifelessons (Oct 23, 2014)

Thanks for all the replies. This is very useful information for me. I don't want to leave my son in his custody. I will try to make it work for the sake of my son like I have all these years.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

My advice is to go talk to a local lawyer, first of all. Find out what your rights and responsibilities are. The. You can make an informed decision. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Malpheous (May 3, 2013)

Until you have a court order specifying differently, you both have full access to the child. If you attempt to hinder that access it could end badly for you. He could file for an emergency temp custody order with return of the child and be ordered temp full custody. Then drag his feet to set status quo. Then you end up an every other weekend mom. 

So as others suggested, seek out lawyer and work towards an appropriate 50/50 arrangement. There's absolutely no reason, at any age, that a man isn't capable of caring for a child full time. There is no magical ability imparted upon women that makes them the only capable parent. The only possible exception is if you are still breast feeding the child. Then it's only a matter of choice, not necessity.


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

lifelessons said:


> Thanks for all the replies. This is very useful information for me. I don't want to leave my son in his custody. I will try to make it work for the sake of my son like I have all these years.


In the meantime don't forget to document and build a case history like EleGirl described. It might serve you well some day.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Sorry but why is your husband about to lose custody of his child or possibly have him stolen from him by you?

You said your husband doesn't love you. Is this true or your anger talking? 

Why don't you want him to have custody of his child? You haven't said anything about him being abusive to his child. 

You said he's verbally abusive to you. Can you provide specifics?

You said he's "very controlling". Specifics?

He has every right not to want you to go to your sister's with your child. Based on your own posts your intentions are not good and he stands to lose a lot (his child) in the process if you get your way. So far, based on what you've described he's got my sympathy.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

lifelessons said:


> He verbally abuses me, does not love, trust or respect me. He is very controlling and tries to control all the small and big aspects of my life.


LL, given your decision to remain in the marriage and "try to make it work," your questions about the separation process and police involvement seem to be resolved -- at least temporarily. Hence, the big remaining issue, which you've been burdened with for 8 years, is how to deal with your H's abuse. Many of us on this forum have had years of experience in doing exactly that and would be glad to share that experience with you. Yet, to do that, we need much more information about the abuse than what you've provided so far. It therefore would be very helpful if you would answer Synthetic's questions.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

If he was that bad for that many years, then what prompted you to have a baby with him? 

New baby can be a very stressful time in a marriage. Maybe you could try marital counseling?


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