# Leaving my wife and children



## Alias71 (Feb 6, 2013)

The same story as http://talkaboutmarriage.com/considering-divorce-separation/67229-divorce-foreign-language.html but told in a different way as I need a different perspective.

I am living abroad and my wife has been having an affair for the last 6 months. She refuses to give him up although she sees no future in the relationship. She is constantly on FB and has struck up an unhealthy friendship with one of the local drunks of the village.

The strain that I have felt has been immense and I've had enough. I have little hope for the marriage but I feel that things would be even worse for us if we continue to live together so I've decided to go back to England.

My wife will not entertain the notion of our 3 children going back with me and so I've been stuck in this quandry for a while. Stay and be in a loveless and increasingly volatile marriage in order to be with the children (and my wife who I still love but, at the same time, hate. Strange that!) or go and not have my children around me.

I did consider the idea of giving it another 6 months to see if the books that I've ordered would mitigate a change in our relationship but I don't think that I could cope for that amount of time.

I have not been entirely blameless in this relationship. I have never cheated on my wife but in our 2nd year here I did lose my way and struggled psychologically (due, in large part, I believe to my inability to speak the language)

I have therefore made the decision to move back to the UK but the the thought of buying the ticket has me questioning myself again. I know that there isn't any right decision but I'm concerned that I'm making a completely wrong one.

I hope that this all makes sense. My mind is so tired and stressed out.

Any thoughts would be appreciated.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

1. You should be exposing her affair and using the exposure to hurt the affair.
2. If your a UK citizen, and your children are UK citizens, can you would your embassy to have the children sent back with you.
3. Does your wife have a way to support herself there? Is she legal to work? If not use that to force her expulsion back to the UK
4. Are your wife or children citizens where you live now? Can you use this between your consulate and the local immigration to help you return your kids with you?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> 1. You should be exposing her affair and using the exposure to hurt the affair.
> 2. If your a UK citizen, and your children are UK citizens, can you would your embassy to have the children sent back with you.
> 3. Does your wife have a way to support herself there? Is she legal to work? If not use that to force her expulsion back to the UK
> 4. Are your wife or children citizens where you live now? Can you use this between your consulate and the local immigration to help you return your kids with you?


Do you want the children with you? If so, I would move heaven and earth to ensure you get to take them back with you to the UK.

If you want them with you, that is.

Are you 100% sure she is cheating on you?

Have you had the children's DNA checked?

Had yourself tested for STDs?


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## Alias71 (Feb 6, 2013)

Shaggy said:


> 1. You should be exposing her affair and using the exposure to hurt the affair.
> 2. If your a UK citizen, and your children are UK citizens, can you would your embassy to have the children sent back with you.
> 3. Does your wife have a way to support herself there? Is she legal to work? If not use that to force her expulsion back to the UK
> 4. Are your wife or children citizens where you live now? Can you use this between your consulate and the local immigration to help you return your kids with you?


Thanks for the reply

1. I don't know who she is having an affair with. I only know she is because she told me (after "pestering" her)
2. I'm pretty certain that I cannot do this. My 
wife is an EU citizen and I think that the same rules apply there as in England. Something to look into though.
3. Didn't say that my family moved to my wife's home country so.....
4. My children are British so that's certainly something to look into. Thanks.


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## Alias71 (Feb 6, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> Do you want the children with you? If so, I would move heaven and earth to ensure you get to take them back with you to the UK.
> 
> If you want them with you, that is.
> 
> ...


I do want the children with me but, at the same time, I want even more for them to be happy. I don't think that their happiness will be much different whether they are with my wife or me. I do, however, believe that my wife would have custody (something I have to look into more thoroughly to be certain)
Is she cheating on me? She says she is so I suppose she is. 
The children are mine. Our problems have only been since we left the UK. That was less than 3 years ago. My youngest is 7. We were very happy in the UK which makes it all so sad.
I haven't tested for STD's. My wife is unhappy but I don't think that she is that stupid. The prick she's with is in his 40's, single and with no children. I suspect that he doesn't want children. It'll probably screw up his lifestyle.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

They never use a condom. My stbxw was terrified of HIV and wouldn't take the contraceptive pill for us.

Guess what she did for the OM?

They never use a condom.


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## Alias71 (Feb 6, 2013)

My wife insists that she always did.

When I'm in England I'll take a test just to make sure.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

Alias71 said:


> My wife insists that she always did.
> 
> When I'm in England I'll take a test just to make sure.


I'm sorry, but that's what they all say.

Everyone thinks *their* spouse is different.

They never are.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

So what is her plan? She told you she was cheating. Why did she tell you? Does she expect you to accept it? To permit it?

Does she work ? Can she financially support herself?

In the EU does it matter where you D in terms of process and money? Can you just cut her off financially?


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## Alias71 (Feb 6, 2013)

Chris989 said:


> I'm sorry, but that's what they all say.
> 
> Everyone thinks *their* spouse is different.
> 
> They never are.


We'll see. The test in England'll show me one way or the other.


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## Married in VA (Jan 6, 2012)

OP,
You need to look at the laws where you are. Leaving your children with your wife will show them that marriage has no value. With her they will learn that when the going gets tough, you toss your spouse and shack up with someone else. That teaches them selfish, arrogant behavior. They will act out in school and it will hurt them tremendously in their adult lives. Unless you want your children divorced themselves in the future, I would take them with you. Why not just take them and get on a plane without telling her. Make HER work the court system to get them back. You may find that she'll just let them go since she is so selfish as to have an affair. 

Of course your country may be a "sole custody mother state" like so many US states used to be. You need to find out. Your kid's future is at stake so don't take this situation lying down.


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## Alias71 (Feb 6, 2013)

Shaggy said:


> So what is her plan? She told you she was cheating. Why did she tell you? Does she expect you to accept it? To permit it?
> 
> Does she work ? Can she financially support herself?
> 
> In the EU does it matter where you D in terms of process and money? Can you just cut her off financially?


She told me because I was suspicious and persisted until she told me. She would like me to accept it because it is advantageous to her. It'll enable her to go out whilst I look after the children.

She does work albeit her wage isn't very good and I believe she can financially support herself although since leaving the UK she has taken over the finances so I can't be certain about that.

I can't answer the EU divorce laws. I just don't know. I don't intend to cut her off financially once I get my own house in order but whether I will be obliged to give her money I just don't know.

When it comes to it I sincerely believe that our problems are solely emotional. Finances haven't come into and in all our time together finances have never been an issue. Obviously that may change if things become nasty but I don't believe they will. Maybe I'm just a mug but even now I just believe that my wife fell out of love with me and found some kind of loving solace elsewhere. (Although the guy she is going with seems a charming scumbag, but maybe I'm biased!!)


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## Alias71 (Feb 6, 2013)

My wife has said that she'd be faithful to me, if I want, until I leave on Sunday week!!

What a sweetheart!


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

It's already nasty. Your wife is cheating on you, now openly, and expects you to a accept it.

Step 1. You need to take back all your own finances.
Step 2. You need legal help.
Step 3. Disrupt and kill the affair. Exposure to friends snd family, including the OM works wonders.
Step 4. In this case it might help to dump her on the OM, maybe with the kids too. It might make him run.
Step 5. You need to be seen by her having women interested in you. I'm nit saying cheat, but she might value you a lot more.


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## Alias71 (Feb 6, 2013)

It's such a struggle.

When I drink I get aggressive and when I'm sobre I have panic attacks.

I had it so lucky for 17 years. I failed for a year and everything falls apart. It's gut-wrentching.


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## Alias71 (Feb 6, 2013)

Shaggy said:


> It's already nasty. Your wife is cheating on you, now openly, and expects you to a accept it.
> 
> Step 1. You need to take back all your own finances.
> Step 2. You need legal help.
> ...


1. My finances are all in England. They are more than the finances that my wife has here.
2. I will get that when I'm in England.
3. Difficult. I'll be moving in a week and I don't speak the language here. 
4.I don't know the other man here although if I did dump the kids I'm sure that he would run!!!
5. Time is against me, the language is against me and the size of the village is against me. 

She admitted to having an interest in some guy in the nearest town to here. So, she's sleeping with some guy here, having an AE with some other guy in the village and is thinking about some further guy in the village.
I can joke about it when drunk!


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## Alias71 (Feb 6, 2013)

Married in VA said:


> OP,
> You need to look at the laws where you are. Leaving your children with your wife will show them that marriage has no value. With her they will learn that when the going gets tough, you toss your spouse and shack up with someone else. That teaches them selfish, arrogant behavior. They will act out in school and it will hurt them tremendously in their adult lives. Unless you want your children divorced themselves in the future, I would take them with you. Why not just take them and get on a plane without telling her. Make HER work the court system to get them back. You may find that she'll just let them go since she is so selfish as to have an affair.
> 
> Of course your country may be a "sole custody mother state" like so many US states used to be. You need to find out. Your kid's future is at stake so don't take this situation lying down.


Thanks for that. Food for thought. I haven't booked my ticket yet so that's an idea.

At the same time I truly don't want to hurt my wife. (Maybe I have painted myself as being innocent. I am far from that. I treated her very poorly for a year and I'm sure that made her feel our marriage was dead hence the affair.)

Unfortunately one of my daughters passport has run out which scuppers the idea of taking all of them.

My wife isn't a bad person. She has just reacted very badly to the way that I treated her in the preceding year. That doesn't excuse what she did, and I make that point fervently every day, but it does, in my mind, make it more understandable, I think. 

The thought of possibly putting my children through the legal system makes me quiver. That'll make them increasingly unstable. As it stands they accept what is happening. They are upset but only moderately because of the stable environment they've been brought up with up til now. (The reason why I want to leave now is because of my increased instability)


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

Alias71 said:


> We'll see. The test in England'll show me one way or the other.


No they won't.

Still, I've told you the truth. It sounds harsh and you are going to believe what you want to.

I am just trying to help you see the how things usually pan out.

Good luck.


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## Alias71 (Feb 6, 2013)

Chris989 said:


> No they won't.
> 
> Still, I've told you the truth. It sounds harsh and you are going to believe what you want to.
> 
> ...


I know that you are trying to help me. I'll be in England soon and I'll then take the tests.

Thanks for your help. I truly appreciate it.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Alias71 said:


> I do want the children with me but, at the same time, I want even more for them to be happy. I don't think that their happiness will be much different whether they are with my wife or me. I do, however, believe that my wife would have custody (something I have to look into more thoroughly to be certain)
> Is she cheating on me? She says she is so I suppose she is.
> The children are mine. Our problems have only been since we left the UK. That was less than 3 years ago. My youngest is 7. We were very happy in the UK which makes it all so sad.
> *I haven't tested for STD's. My wife is unhappy but I don't think that she is that stupid.* The prick she's with is in his 40's, single and with no children. I suspect that he doesn't want children. It'll probably screw up his lifestyle.


They *are* all that stupid. And even if she got him to use condoms, there is still a risk of infection from STDs.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Married in VA said:


> OP,
> You need to look at the laws where you are. Leaving your children with your wife will show them that marriage has no value. With her they will learn that when the going gets tough, you toss your spouse and shack up with someone else. That teaches them selfish, arrogant behavior. They will act out in school and it will hurt them tremendously in their adult lives. Unless you want your children divorced themselves in the future, I would take them with you. Why not just take them and get on a plane without telling her. Make HER work the court system to get them back. You may find that she'll just let them go since she is so selfish as to have an affair.
> 
> Of course your country may be a "sole custody mother state" like so many US states used to be. You need to find out. Your kid's future is at stake so don't take this situation lying down.


And they may well think that you just threw them away.


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