# My wife has had enough!



## 1963chelsea (Jun 23, 2011)

I have been with my wife for about 13 years, married about 11 of those. We have two brilliant kids of 8 & 10 years that we both adore.

The last three years have been tough on our little business, both of us doing extra part time work at times to help keep us going. We have debts that are a burden to us. We have discussed selling our business. We have discussed going under. As yet we have done neither and may be that is where some of our problems come from as my wife likes to work to plan more than me. She would always want to know where we are going on holiday well before we go. Whilst decorating a room she'd be planning and buying stuff for the next room to do. Going under is her preferred choice but I have been scared as we would likely lose our home and the effect of this on us and our kids sounds unbareable to me and I thought my just add more strain to us. She blames me for the lack of will to do this. I feel she wants a plan, any plan at times even if it's the wrong one.

She has had a break down though at first seemed to be denying it. She wants out from our marriage now. We have been a great couple together until the stresses piled up. We would laugh, we talked and we did lots of things together including buying a little business. Apart from financial issues my mother needs care so finding carers is always a job. We looked after my mother, moving into her house and it was not easy. My wife said it was the worst nine months of her life. That was four years ago, we have been at our home since and my mother has carers at her home.

She says she does not feel the same about me anymore. She seemed to want space so I suggested with some suggestion from her before that I move out to give her some space. I have been out of the house for a few weeks now and she wants that situation to remain as she does not feel as she did about me.

At this point, a bit about me. I have my faults like all people but I am a kind caring and loving man. I have always worked hard. I help at home, changed lots of nappies in my time, cook and clean the house too. I do n't mind her going out to see friends as I am not a jealous type and do not feel so easily insecure. I am approachable and talk honestly as she has to me. 

That said I believe she has much to lose in losing me and my love and loyalty and much to lose in breaking our family apart. The effect on our children for one, our history together which has been littered with happy memories.

She is now hard and adamant. I am so desperately sad at what she now wants to do and she knows and sees it but is so brutal in her nerve, she says "that's it over" with hardly a tear. Something tells me that her mental state, being depressed and on medication is not helping. I think she should make no desicions at this time but says her feelings would n't change. I would not want to hold my wife to anything, I believe people should be free to choose what they want in life. But I think she is making a dreadful mistake. Some of her side of the family have seperated in the last couple of years and they almost seem to do it casually and move on so quickly. I think we had so much, so much as a family together even though we did not have much money I cannot bare to see it all lost. Our kids are loving and sweet and will find it so hard that we are not doing things together beacuase we were such a tight family. We both felt we lost our limbs went we went out without our boys sometimes. Of course we did go out and we did enjoy it to!

Help...I am just beside myself with despair and sadness for her, our boys and myself.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

Sorry to hear this sad story. 

I think generally speaking the advice would be not to abandon the home. You still have every right to live there as she does, and you could possibly be losing legal ground by not living there. You might want to talk to an attorney or at least someone more knowledgeable about this.

If she wants to leave, she is going to leave whether you think it a wise choice or not. Fortunately, you control the other side of things - you! Go to the gym, stay in positive spirits, consider doing the 180, etc. Try to become as attractive as you can... to feel good about yourself. People notice that stuff.

Also, think a little about the dynamic. Is this a case where your wife just wanted to spend spend spend until you ran out of cash and then leave? Or, were her pleas for a plan her way of asking you to step up and take a role in leading the family? Were your assertive with her? Could she feel you take an active role with planning for your mother but not with her? The more you understand about the dynamic, the better off you will be.


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## jules41 (Jun 23, 2011)

With your beautiful kids together, you should really talk to her about marriage counseling before making any big decisions. I'm sure she loves her kids and would want to make the best choices for them. If the marriage is doomed (which it shouldn't be if one of you is still very committed), than at least marriage counseling could help with the best way to deal with the kids' emotions.

You should lose the business if that is what would make her feel best financially. That is a huge burden on her. So what if you lose your house, you are losing a lot more than that in the long run. It is just a business, just a house, just money. If you can rebuild your relationship while renting a house or apartment, that is much more important. 

Be kind, be nice to her. When it comes down to it, women just want the little things. She needs to hear that she is pretty, what you love about her. You need to notice her needs without her having to ask.


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## 1963chelsea (Jun 23, 2011)

Thanks for this, I do not think she was spending to cause us damage because she would be thinking of our children too. I am in the UK and I think the law is similar in that it might not be good to remove all my things from the home as evidence of leaving the home and as you say I have every right to be there too. Your comments about the dynamic could be significant and in saying I'm not perfect, I may have focused on the things at times, however important that she felt were less so. I have said this to her very clearly and I am sure that I always acted with our (the familys) best interests at heart and that includes her. I love her to bits and she knows this also.


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## 1963chelsea (Jun 23, 2011)

Thanks for comment on entry #3. I suspect you are right in that what the hell if it all goes, if we are together, that is most important, that is right. Naturally I fear that this decision may be to late. Be kind, yes I must be kind and I have not be at all unkind, only that it is hard when the person that you were so close to is distancing themselves from you step by step.


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

First of all, I am so sorry you are going through this.

Second, I think you need to be a lot more strategic about what is happening. I sense that you allow things to happen TO you instead of being proactive about your life. If you want a different result,you have to behave in a different way.

First, MOVE BACK HOME! You should not have left and I think you should just move back in. Don't even discuss it with your wife. Just pack your bags and move back home. If your wife complains, tell her that you have just as much right to be there as she does. You can't repair your marriage if you are not living at home. You have created a negative power dynamic in your marriage (your wife feels like she is holding all the power) that has to be changed.

Once you are back in the house, be civil to your wife but back WAY off. Don't cry. Don't beg. Don't try to convince her to take you back. This will only make her dig her heels in. Your focus, once back in the house, is to live your life as though she were not there.

It is okay to tell her ONCE that you'd like to work on the marriage and that you would like to see a couples counselor with her but that you will leave that decision up to her. She also sounds like she needs to be medicated and I would tell her that for the health and well-being of your children, you must insist that she see a doctor to be evaluated for depression. Tell her that you feel she is unstable at the moment and that you won't allow anything or anyone to impact the safety of your children). If she refuses counseling or to get meds, just continue to live in the house and do the following:

1) Make a plan to get out of debt and find a new job that will give you cash flow. You might have to make some tough choices, but look at all the angles and make a decision that is based on reason, not emotion. Meet with a financial advisor. It sounds like you are spending more than you have, which has to stop. You also need to make the business work or get rid of it. Maybe you need to sell the house and rent for a while. Maybe you need to do a debt reduction plan, etc. Get rid of cable tv, expensive cell phone plans, and cut spending wherever you can. 
2) Start exercising and take good care of yourself in terms of your grooming, etc. Look good even if you are sad and not feeling good.
3) Do lots of stuff with your kids WITHOUT your wife. Take them to the park, on walks, on play dates, whatever. Go with other moms and/or dads to activities without her. Take them to see your side of the family often.
4) Go out with friends at least once a week. Don't tell your wife where you are going, just tell her you are going out. Do not get drunk, but go and have fun- to the the pub, golfing, the movies, darts or whatever you Brits do!  If your friends aren't available, go to a coffee shop or book store for a few hours and just relax and get back in touch with yourself as an individual.
5) Start a hobby and spend more time doing a hobby you already have. Just don't do anything you can't afford.
6) Do not ask your wife for sex, do not touch her, cuddle her, look longingly at her. Treat her like you would a clerk in a shop - polite but distant. Do not cook for her, do not clean for her, if you do laundry, do only yours and the kids. Do not pick up stuff for her at the store. Do not send her cards, notes or buy her gifts. She will view all these things as acts of desperation.

What you are doing is focusing on YOUR LIFE and creating some space for her to MISS YOU while also allowing her to see that you are moving on with your life, that you have a plan, and that you are taking care of business. She may begin to realize that she is going to lose something good....but she has to realize this on her own. A crying, pressuring, desperate man is not going to be attractive to her. A man who is taking care of himself, getting his life under control, and a man who is focusing on his kids and friends is very attractive.

This strategy also works very well for betrayed spouses whose cheating spouse is threatening to leave or is still cheating. It shifts the dynamic so that there is more equilibrium in the relationship. And it empowers the spouse who is betrayed, or in your case, at risk of being abandoned. 

If your wife does not come around after 3-4 months, then you can have a discussion with her about separating - but it will be on your terms as well as hers...not her dictating things to you.

Good luck!


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## jayde (Jun 17, 2011)

1963 - I'm curious about her depression and treatment. I was treated for severe depression about 6 years ago - meds and talk therapy. I was told that this combo was the only way to go (either not so good on their own). She needs to get feeling better. No one can imagine what depression is like unless they've gone through it. We're having issues in our marriage too at the moment, but if I were still depressed (managing potential depression) I do't know what I would do. Someone else mentioned marriage couseling (which is what me and the wife are doing now) and it has been helpful. Your therapist should also be aware of her depression and how this impacts your marriage. AND as others have said - move back home!! A depressed person is not the best to be taking care of your children.


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## 1963chelsea (Jun 23, 2011)

Gosh! as we Brits would say! I'm going to have to digest a lot of this information as it is a different approach though I do get aspects of it. I'll post on it tomorrow as my day / evening is busy and I will also think on the strategy. Interesting and helpful...Thanks


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## 1963chelsea (Jun 23, 2011)

Thanks Laurae1967 for your time and thoughts. What you have to say is off a lot of interest. I think she will really not like my return to the family home. It is as though I am pretty much to disappear. She is not difficult with the kids saying I can visit when I want however as I see it I can not. To wake up and go and wake your kids up, help get breakfast, cuddle and get them ready for school is what life is all about. It is not a chore, it's all part of everyday living that I love. To be a part time dad to me is just an absolute disaster as far as I am concerned. My wife is on meds, a simple drug to lift her up a bit, but her behaviour is unnerving, a little sureal, and not rational as it is so unfair on me and ultimately the kids too. I think that the step to move in is one I shall take but I think she will fight it very hard and force another solution. Apert for the emotional arguements, we actually cannot aford for me to pay rent and food elsewhere anyway.


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## 1963chelsea (Jun 23, 2011)

I have not returned home yet as I fear melt down, though after last night melt down has happened anyway. I went home to visit my kids, take them to the movies. I kissed my kids good night and then my wife went up to do the same. My eldest son of ten asked when daddy would return to my wife and she started to say that he would not. My boys, youngest eight, were besides themselves in grief. They were totally grief stricken. We cuddled and cried so much, we all slept together in our big bed. It was the sadest and most desperate day of my life and I have had some difficult times in my past. I cannot believe it is happening to me and my kids. They deserve better than this, they have done nothing wrong. I love my wife and I love my family together. I do not argue with my wife, she feels she does not feel the same for me after three years of hard financial times. What is so hard is that my wife remains almost emotionaless, that she is on a path and no amount of suffering to us will deflect her from the path to me leaving the home. We have brought our kids up well, so tight in our loving family that we have incredable bonds between us all and that is why my kids showed such grief that we may not be together anymore. Our bonds and family cohesion has been so so strong and now my wife wants to break it. I cannot seem to get anything through to her. What can I do to stop this process. I know she is depressed and whats to get away from all our problems, money worries, etc but this surely want solve anything. I am desperate and so are my beautiful boys.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

1963,

Ok. Stop what you are doing! You are doing everything wrong.

From all your posts, all I can see is fear. Fear of your wife. This is the wrong attitude to have. First off, and the most important thing for you to understand right now, is that YOU MUST NEVER EVER EVER FEAR YOUR WIFE. Fear of your wife causes you to look pathetic in her eyes. This is not attractive. In fact, she clearly demonstrates that she has no respect whatsoever for you. Your fear is also causing you to have catharsis in your relationship. This is putting all the power of the decision of divorcing in HER hands. You are letting HER decide the terms of your separation, whether or not you are allowed back into the house, and most importantly - AND PLEASE UNDERSTAND THIS ONE LAST POINT IF IT THE ONLY THING THAT YOU TAKE AWAY FROM THIS POST----you are letting HER decide the fate of the family regarding your kids.

You fear upsetting her. Why? You realize that this is YOUR marriage too, right? You realize that these are YOUR children too, right? You also realize that this is YOUR house too, right? Why don't you then Man UP, and for once speak your thoughts, desires, and opinions on where this marriage is going. Who cares if she gets upset. Who cares if she starts yelling at you. TAKE CONTROL OF YOUR LIFE.

Your future of you, AND YOUR CHILDREN MOST IMPORTANTLY, should be the only concern you have now. Your wife already checked out of this marriage, and no amount of crying or pleading with her is going to get her back right now. Pleading and crying and fear is all very pathetic, and it makes you weak. And your wife knows this, because you consistently display behaviours that she is in control of everything.

Now, you need to interact with your wife. And here is a tip to do so. First off, there is no need to be fearful. Second, this interaction must be calm, and composed. You need to show that your are completely in control of your emotions, and that nothing she can do will either sway you from your decisions, or that you will break down emotionally, or become overcharged emotionally. If she starts yelling or arguing, you say 'look. this is not constructive at all. I will continue this discussion once you are ready to talk in a mature and constructive way." If she continues her emotional behavior, repeat these words again, then leave the house if you have to. Never lose your cool. Never become an A$$hole. Never raise your voice. You are in charge of your own emotions. Keep this tip on interactions handy, because you are going to need them soon enough.

First off. I would recommend moving back home immediately! It does not matter if your wife doesn't "allow" it. Its not her decision, and she needs to understand this. You must be firm with her that this is your family also, and she will not dictate to you the terms of your marriage. If she doesn't "like" it, then SHE can move out. Hold firm to this boundary.

Second, you need to do the 180. Go here to read up on this:
the 180 degree list

The most obvious reasoning to you AT THE MOMENT, is that the 180 seems destructive to the marriage. This is the hardest concept for most people in your situation to grasp, because it is counter intuitive at first glance. The thing to remember, is that IT WORKS. It's designed to do exactly what it is meant to do, show your wife that you are strong, composed, and completely fine with her moving on if that is what she wants. Smarter people than you or I designed this list, and it works. This list is what brought MY wife around during my marriage breakdown. Now, it's not guaranteed, but in the end, you will still be a stronger person for implementing it.

Third, you must go read up on Nice Guys, here:
The Man Up and Nice Guy reference

You need to read this link and determine if you see yourself being described in the link. If so, you need to Man Up. This is important for YOU, in order to lose the fear you have, and for your relationship, so you become the man you need to be. A man that is not afraid of paralyzing conflict with his wife.
This will also show you how to define your personal boundaries in your life. Boundaries that make you strong, and boundaries that you will absolutely not tolerate being compromised.
You can also read more on Boundary Reinforcement here:

The Boundary Testing Handbook

So, start here. Then post your questions and concerns as much as you can to get the advise you need.

Be strong!


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## 1963chelsea (Jun 23, 2011)

Thank you latest poster. I don't actually fear my wife but I fear the consequences of her actions more significantly. However, I have been honest and I have backed down to give her space and got out of the house. It is true that she is now controlling what is happening and showing a lack of concern and respect for my feelings and my childrens also. I have the right to live at home and the right to full access to my children and to determine events which is not happening as she is calling the shots. You are right that I must be strong and capture the iniative and control of events and dictate them. My step this evening is to do just that. I will move back home and set out an agenda that will be about looking after my and my childrens interests.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Despite your hard work, you are having financial problems. On top of that, you have a mother whom you actually care for. Not sure how any woman could be expected to tolerate such an abusive situation. So, life is groovy as long as the money rolls in and nobody gets sick or old?


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## 1963chelsea (Jun 23, 2011)

A tad unfair, it as been a hard time on many fronts, financially and helping my mother. We lived with my mother for nine months but we have lived the last three years back at home as I employ live -in carers for my mum. Helping wider family, I now only have my mother and a sister who is married and secure in all respects is not inflicting abuse, it is what family is about. I have always tried to put my family, my wife and children first, but in life you have to spin many plates at the same time!


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## 1963chelsea (Jun 23, 2011)

I stayed at my family home for the last couple of nights and had a long conversation with her. I set out my arguements that the home is as much mine as hers and that we had so many important things to sort out with our business and if to keep it, our finances generally and that it was uneconomic for me to live elsewhere. I talked out the terrible loss that our boys were feeling and that I had no desire to be a part time dad and wanted to be there to do all the every day things I used to do with them. She took some of it on board and as we left to go to work she seemed ok. When I came to stay the next evening she was angry and made me feel I was in the way. She stormed out this morning clearly feeling my return was bad news for her. There seems to be so little ability for her to negotiate and mediate to the benefit of all of us.


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