# Am I over reacting?



## ImSoAngry (Sep 1, 2021)

Dear Wise People,

My husband has been lying to me for 2+ years about our money. (I gave him control about 7 years ago because I developed really bad stress from my job and the physical and mental consequences of that.). I don’t know how long he’s been lying yet because he’s trickle truthing this to death. I found out last summer that we had zero savings because he had to give it to my daughter over time for her mortgage. He didn’t confess, I dragged it out of him. I asked him to help her, but instead of telling me we had no savings (and it wasn’t chump change either) he opened a credit card. I found out last night it has $7,000 on it. So he says. He blamed everyone else at that time for spending the money. Even me. He makes a fair amount and we only had the basic bills at that time. 

I had found out two weeks ago the basic truth when I insisted he tell me what he’s hiding, again. I never thought in a million years that it was all this. I finally knew though, cause apparently he’s a very good liar, that something was up. I told him he needed to do a lot of reading about financial infidelity and lying and figure out how to make me understand how badly he’s hurt me. He lied hundreds of times as we talked about future things and when I asked about the savings account. I just trusted him, but now I look like a f’ing fool because everyone knew about this but me. He’s done nothing, zero, ziltch. He just tried to slide back into his life. 

I got my bank info to sign in. He told me it was quiet screwed up and would require a big ta-do to fix it. Not even close. I just needed a new password. So I gave him a week to come all the way clean and he didn’t. Then I got a call our mortgage wasn’t paid. We had the money. He said he forgot. Then I saw the credit card payment. Total shock. 

For perspective on how ****ty my life already was, my daughter and son in law had to move in last fall. It was a nightmare but because they had my 2 yo granddaughter, what could I do. Those two have been unlucky health wise, but it was so stressful to live with them and their dysfunction. Also because I was stuck at home with them because I don’t have a car. Now I know why. He just didn’t care that I was a prisoner. 

Daughter is not a good mom. I had to make sure the baby had everything. Now mind you, this is after I found out the first time about his lies and my daughter had been giving me problems for a while now so I was already a mess. I guess while with us, they ramped up their heroine addiction and moved out angrily and suddenly in May and I had a literal breakdown from worry for the baby. When I got out of the hospital, my daughter decided mostly because of her husband that I couldn’t see her ( the baby). I was devastated. I was extremely fragile mentally so I decided to go camping for a month. I didn’t know we didn’t have any money and he didn’t say anything. I would say it was money well spent though. It helped immensely. 

They went by his sisters to live and with whom they left the baby for a week or something. She turned them into CPS and really pushed the case. She got temporary custody and I even got to see her after five weeks while camping. She loves me and I her. 

It’s been a even bigger nightmare since then. My daughter is so mad and I worry so much about her. The child stays with me three nights a week and by her aunts and sister the rest of the time. She’s a wonderful kid, but she is exhausting. And it’s not going to end anytime soon. With this latest bombshell, I sometimes feel like I should just bow out and take off. But I’m trapped. I just can’t give her as much as the other people can. 

I will be taking over finances completely. I’m good at it I guess. I thought no one could be as stupid as him. We have one daughter together who is almost 18 and she’s cut off also. Thankfully she just got a job and I think she understands the gravity of things. 

During all this time he’s been distant quite a bit and our marriage is basically nothing now. Any plans we had are gone with his lies. 

I have a little money saved and have means to make a little more right now. First thing is to have a talk about how he wants to do things. I would prefer not to divorce. He’s not a bad guy but all the lying has made it impossible to even look at him. I keep thinking of all the lies he told me. I’m so stupid but I was doing the best I could. But if he sticks with his current BS, we have to get everything under control and figure out who is responsible for what so the separation papers can be swiftly filed. At least I’d be protected then. I then need a car. I’ve been wanting to get back into working at a paying job for a while, but my 20 yo car was gone to my daughter. It was literally rusting apart but he keeps bringing up that I had a car I gave away. I didn’t actually do that but they needed transportation. So I feel really stupid about trusting them also. Screwed us over big time. But again, H made all the decisions for us. 

He’s also just been so distant. So so distant. I really feel like an idiot. And I’m scared to start over with nothing, especially having to deal with everything else. And I have no one to talk to. No one. I don’t really want to make him look like a bad guy to everyone. Except his parents so he doesn’t get away with blaming everyone else. We have no relationship. 

Sorry this is so long. Felt good to write it. I really think he thinks it’s no big deal. Well, I’ll show him I’m 100% serious. Mostly I’m calm, but I know it’s because I’m stuffing it all down. I feel it coming up from time to time but I can’t handle getting upset anymore. I’ve literally developed vitiligo this summer from stress. Finally made an appointment for next week. All over my body. Life sucks. I wish he would of had an affair. That would have been more cut and dry. 

If you got through this, thank you.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

You have a lot of issues here, so this was a little difficult to follow. But it looks like your husband wasn't spending money on himself or frivolous things, but instead to help out the famlily (if I'm wrong on that let us know). So to me, that makes a big difference.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

@ImSoAngry I really hope you realize that while you’re married to your husband you are responsible for half of his debt and if he owes enough you could lose your home.
I would talk to a lawyer in this situation and find out exactly where you stand because I have a feeling he may owe a lot more than what you’ve managed to find out.
He’s incapable of telling the truth.


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