# I really don't want this, but what can I do?



## millmant (Dec 23, 2009)

When my wife told me on the 13th of this month that she wanted a divorce, to say the least, I'm totally devastated.

When the woman of your life tells you that she's changed and doesn't love you, talk about ripping your soul out of your body.

My wife is one of these people that when she makes up her mind to do something, she does it, sometimes without any thorough thought process of what she really wants.

I understand that feelings always change but always did feel that if you fall in love with somebody, your feeling may change, but the love is still there. It was a matter of capturing those feelings again. But no matter what I tried, she always shot me down.

When my father was dying and after we just buried him, as I was leaving to go back for my 4 days away at work was the first hint that something had change. My mistake was to hope things would change so I left it alone. In hind sight, I should of got us into marriage counseling at that point. Unfortunately, now that she's made up her mind, she refuses.

For now, I am resolved that this is going to happen. I need to give her space is what everybody is telling me but it is so difficult for me to do this.

Am I wrong to hope that at least we can do a few sessions of marriage counseling not so much to save the marriage, but so we can both get that baggage out in the open so we both can learn from it?

Am I wrong to hope that maybe this marriage can work when she is at that point.

I have a lot of regrets, but now must live with the decisions I made.

Today is really tough. I feel like I abandoned my children.(5 & 7).
When I was saying good by to the kids, my daughter really didn't want me to leave. She asked me why I had to go? Maybe I didn't give the right answer, but told her the truth that she had to ask her mommy why I couldn't come to the aunt Sharon and Jackie's house.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Is there a reason why she wants out of this marriage and you are the one leaving?

I figure, unless it's your idea, that she should bear the fruit of her decision.


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## millmant (Dec 23, 2009)

Corpuswife said:


> Is there a reason why she wants out of this marriage and you are the one leaving?
> 
> I figure, unless it's your idea, that she should bear the fruit of her decision.


She says she has become a different person and no longer in love with me. Frankly, I think it has more to do that she can no longer stand my temper, something that I already have decided to do something about, not only for my kids, but for myself.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Then all you can do is let her go. Spend some time working you. Be the friendly, happy guy. 

It's going to take months of work. I'd begin reading some self help books and going into counseling for yourself. 

Become a better man. She may be interested, down the line, and fall back in love with the man she married.


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## lost1234 (Aug 24, 2009)

mm,
I agree with cw. it will take time...a lot of time. my h has told me the same things you have heard from your wife.
i did alot of things the wrong way in the beginning...he has been out of our house about 4 1/2 months. give her the space and work on your issues. BEST thing you can do!
these boards are great, even when the times are so tough!
we are all in similar situations. it helps to talk about it!


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## ladyintegrity (Dec 28, 2009)

You and I are almost in the same situation. See my post about My Husband Falling Out Of Love. There is nothing we can do to make our spouses come back to us. My husband went from wanting to divorcing me to wanting a separation. It is painful and sad. I know first hand. 

What I'm doing is giving my husband space to go on his journey of I guess mid-life crisis. I don't know. Maybe that is all you can do with your wife. I'm finding comfort in talking to therapists, pastor, and good friends. Take care of yourself both mentally and physically. That way you will be strong for your kids.


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## millmant (Dec 23, 2009)

ladyintegrity said:


> You and I are almost in the same situation. See my post about My Husband Falling Out Of Love. There is nothing we can do to make our spouses come back to us. My husband went from wanting to divorcing me to wanting a separation. It is painful and sad. I know first hand.
> 
> What I'm doing is giving my husband space to go on his journey of I guess mid-life crisis. I don't know. Maybe that is all you can do with your wife. I'm finding comfort in talking to therapists, pastor, and good friends. Take care of yourself both mentally and physically. That way you will be strong for your kids.


It looks like you are ahead me, that is already talking with a therapist that is.

As I may have mentioned in other post, my family is out in the valley. Me, because my business, monday-thursday, i stay away from the family and wife.

The problem that I am having now is being so close to x-mas now past and the new year coming up, it has been hard to find somebody just to start the process(therapy). The therapist that I'm going to start with(going to shoot for the first week of Jan) was a referral from my doctor, who herself is a patient of hers. Pretty much the people that I did call said they were all booked up. At least what I hope, for the next few months I can get started with her there and as I move along, get somebody closer to where I will actually live.


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## beninneedofhelp (Nov 24, 2009)

I no exactly how you feel been going through it myself now for 3+ months she hasnt filed yet or anything but says she is going to and i heard a lot of the same things you have. i too seen a therapist and it does help a bit , i have taken many steps to change myself for the better as well in this time , still she is resistant all you can do is let her miss you and hope in time she wants you back but pushing her or trying to hard to get her back is the worse thing you can do 

i no this from personal trial and error .. I did just that and it went from bad to worse then went up then went bad then went up and back and forth over and over again. today for me is one of them days its gone bad and i am holding on to hope when there seems to be none , but if you value your family all i can really say is never give up just dont let your emotions rule your mind

cause your emotions right now will most likely push her further away if you want send me a private message and ill get a email address for you and ill send you a copy of stop your divorce by homer mcdonald , there is a lot of good stuff in there to bad i didnt get it till recently and i have caused more damage over that time i didnt have it.

But remember to act strong and show her the changes with acts in life not just words dont even mention them things dont bring it up and dont beg for chances otherwise you will just push her away , just act like nothing is wrong and keep supporting her choices even if she says divorce just agree with it for now cause she is pulling away from the old you the one that yelled and disagreed with her ideas and such

not the man that will be agreeing with her , that will raise her alarms and cause her to become interested in what you are doing. that is just one of many things you can learn in these books you can find on these online sights i have found a site where i have gotten several of them for free and would share them or where to get them with anyone here that would ask


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## crossfire (Dec 26, 2009)

Reading everyone's posts on this site is like looking at my own marriage........or lack thereof. My wife wants out in the worst way. I still love her.......I LOVE HER. She is not willing to talk about it, does not want to go to counseling, says shes not in love with me. Shes heavily into the whole social networking scene......facebook, myspace, tagged, etc. Not to mention, we have 3 small children. Its taken everything I have to accept this. I'd be the happiest man in the world to be able to bring love for eachother back into our lives. It seems hopeless though.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

has she used the words "i don't love you" or "we're over"???

think about this as a concept. she can change her mind. she obviously did once. because remember when she promised she would love you "in sickness and health, for richer or poorer, for as long as you both shall live?" well, she changed her mind, didn't she?

i know it sounds sarcastic, but if she changed her mind about THAT, she can change it again, right?

keep working on being a less angry, happier, no bullsh*t guy. maybe she WILL change her mind about divorce/separation.


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## ladyintegrity (Dec 28, 2009)

What I've found for my separation and I agree with beninneedofhelp is give them the space. You can't force someone to come back to you. They have to see in their own mind that you are the right person for them and no one else matters.

Work on yourself and your kids. Professional and spiritual counseling helped for me. Keep your chin up!


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## millmant (Dec 23, 2009)

voivod said:


> has she used the words "i don't love you" or "we're over"???
> 
> think about this as a concept. she can change her mind. she obviously did once. because remember when she promised she would love you "in sickness and health, for richer or poorer, for as long as you both shall live?" well, she changed her mind, didn't she?
> 
> ...


I have also read this and this is what give me hope, that is maybe she might change her mind. I think the key is to get her into counseling with me. Somthing that she has to do of her own free will.


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## millmant (Dec 23, 2009)

Finally, got my first appointment with a therapist this coming Thursday. With the holidays, just was too hard get things going.

On the road to recovery? Who knows? Don't know what to expect, but at least I'm finally going to start.


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## noideato20 (Oct 27, 2009)

Hang in there Millman we will just assume the Big Guy has it all planned out and things are working accordingly. Hopefully they will come around thats what I keep thinking. Until then full steam ahead for me My kids and I are a family with or without and we are united. Hope your days good tommorow.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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