# Am I being selfish



## Kayleej13 (Dec 23, 2013)

My husband and I have two girls. He also has a son from his previous relationship. He recently went back to school because he was not making enough. After the second semester of school he cut down his hours at work so that he can concentrate on school. By working less hours his income was only enough to cover child support and his lunches. And I am ok with that because I make enough to support us. Recently he brought up a discussion about quiting his job completely. I said was not ok with that because it would put him behind on child support. He was of the idea that we would just continue paying from what I am making. I told him that I don't want to pay his child support. Part of the reason I don't want to do it is because his ex quit her job and moved in with her parents so she can be a stay at home mom. While I know that her decision to be a stay at home mom is none of my business, it would bug if both my hubby and his ex are taking it easy while I am busting my neck to support my family and his other family. Is it selfish of me to feel that way even though we can afford it. 

P.s. I love my step son very much. This not a case of not wanting to pay child support.


----------



## Mistyfied (Sep 27, 2013)

No, you are not selfish IMO. I believe that studying needs to fit around your other obligations. For him, that is meeting child support needs and helping support your family. If you were happy to support him to finish study while he quit work that would be one thing - but he has an outside obligation he needs to take care of. If he wants to quit his job, I would think he needs to talk to the mother of his son and get her ok to stop paying child support for that time. If she says no, he has to keep working to pay it and take on a reduced study load over a longer period of time. I might be wrong but it doesn't sit right for me to think of you working hard so he can choose to study and have you support his ex-wife. My opinion fwiw.


----------



## Gomerpyle (Dec 27, 2013)

No, you aren't being selfish. Tell him you are fine with it, so long as you can shack up with a real man while paying for this man's child.


----------



## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

It's not your responsibility to pay his child support. He has to keep working to cover at least these expenses.


----------



## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I don't think you are being selfish either. The child support is his responsibility, not yours. He needs to talk to his ex about not paying it if he wants to quit.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Cleigh (Dec 5, 2013)

sorry to change subject but is it an American thing that child support is calculated with the partners pay? In Australia its only the father/mother that it works off.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

No, you're not selfish. It wouldn't look good on his resume, either. That discussion would really bother me. Are you sure he isn't looking to become a stay at home dad with you supporting everyone?


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

If I was in your shoes I would feel similar, you have much support here to say....this shouldn't be happening, and most women would not like it at all....This should be on him...and he should understand, if not, I would question some other things about him .... lots of people work and go to school at the same time... Falling down on this now is not a good sign...You are being very reasonable.


----------



## Kayleej13 (Dec 23, 2013)

Thank you all for your comments. He did NOT push the issue, but after I told him I did not want to do it I felt guilty because I can afford it. I think the reason he wanted to quit his job was a combination of him hating his job and his inability to balance his school and work. 

After reading everyone's comments I don't feel like a bad person. Thank you guys.


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I do agree with all the other posters, and I do think it strange that a man would want you to cover his responsibility for a child he had before he met you.

That said, I have known men who marry women with children who do provide for those children like their own. Now, it is true that these women, as far as I know, were not paying child support. But I think even if there had been some arrangement like that, the guys would just have accepted it as part of the deal of getting the woman they loved.

Is your guy a liberated man who does not see any differences between the sexes? He may feel that since you can afford it, what is the problem. It is true that male/female dynamics are changing a lot as women make more money. To him it might just be a question of practicality, as in maybe he can better with his studies if he doesn't have to work, or he can take more classes and get done quicker.

Again, these are just some thoughts. Just disregard them if they seem off base. And best of luck as you decide what to do.


----------



## Kayleej13 (Dec 23, 2013)

*
Is your guy a liberated man who does not see any differences between the sexes? * 

I would say he is semi liberated. There are certain things he will not do because he thinks of them as female roles (and I don't have a problem doing them because I think I do a better job), on the other hand there are some traditionally female roles that he does do. Like him there are certain things I will not do because I am terrible at them. For example we bought a new dinning set that needs to be assembled, and he will be doing that. To answer your question, he not completely liberated but I think we have a good balance.

* He may feel that since you can afford it, what is the problem. It is true that male/female dynamics are changing a lot as women make more money. *

You're absolutely right that he feels that we can afford it so he didn't think there would be a problem. To be honest with you more than anything, I don't like the idea of paying his child support while his ex stays at home and plays video games. My husband and I go beyond our responsibilities when it comes to my step son. For example we have him on my health insurance because she doesn't work and my husband only works part time. We almost always have to drive both ways (an hour and half each way) to go pick my step son up because she always claims not to have money even though their custody agreement was that they will share the driving responsibility equally. If we are lucky enough to get her to do her share of the driving she will ask for gas money. This does not bug me because my husband deals with it and I stay out of it. But if I was the only one working there is no way I would put up with it.

*
To him it might just be a question of practicality, as in maybe he can better with his studies if he doesn't have to work, or he can take more classes and get done quicker.

[/QUOTE]
*

My husband has no ill intentions. I know that. He just wants to make easy to concentrate on school. As far as taking more classes, he is in a program that has a predetermined work load so he can not take more or less classes. I went through the same program myself and I was able to work, so I know he can work. It's hard work but not impossible.

Thank you for your comment, it gave me a different perspective.


----------



## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

Gomerpyle said:


> No, you aren't being selfish. Tell him you are fine with it, so long as you can shack up with a real man while paying for this man's child.


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


----------



## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

I think it's time to revisit the custody arrangements with Family Court. There is no reason why your step son could not live with you, thereby cutting off the need for child support being paid to a woman who chose to be a SINGLE SAHM.


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Phenix70 said:


> I think it's time to revisit the custody arrangements with Family Court. There is no reason why your step son could not live with you, thereby cutting off the need for child support being paid to a woman who chose to be a SINGLE SAHM.


But they may not want him to live with them. That would probably be a big change in their lifestyle.


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

OP, it is just my opinion, so take it for what it is worth . . . 

I think when you marry someone who already has a child, you are kind of accepting a lot of unknowns and unexpected happenings, you know? And sometimes they will cost money (her asking for gas money). It probably has not been, and never will be, exactly fair and equal.

I am really glad to hear that you love your stepson very much, and want him to be well cared for. That is great. I am sure that it will make doing whatever you may end up doing that much easier.

Best,
jld


----------



## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

jld said:


> But they may not want him to live with them. That would probably be a big change in their lifestyle.


So would only having one bread winner in the family. 
The OP is being asked to support not only herself, but her husband AND his ex and the step-son.
Why should the OP have to support a fully capable person who wants to be a SAHM just "because?"
Someone needs to get a reality check & it's NOT the OP.


----------



## Kayleej13 (Dec 23, 2013)

Thanx everybody on your comments. 

@phoenix thanks for your kind words. I think you and a lot of people understand where I am coming from. As far as modifying custody arrangements, I don't think the hubby would pursue that because of the tideous process and also his ex is not a bad mom. She just does not have her priorities straight. 

@jld. We love having my step son around. In fact during the summer we have him for extended periods. The boy is a darling. I have zero complaints. If he was anymore perfect he would not be a kid. He gets along long with his siblings and is very protective.

We already decided that hubby will continue working. The only reason I started a thread was because I was feeling guilty. I wanted to hear what people thought.

Thanks again


----------



## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

If you marry someone with a child you are marrying the child.


----------



## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

IMO you're not being selfish, supporting you husband through school and his ex is a lot to ask of someone.


----------



## Mistyfied (Sep 27, 2013)

clipclop2 said:


> If you marry someone with a child you are marrying the child.


This is true - but you do not also marry the ex-wife. If married a man with children I'd consider them a package deal but would not consider I have a responsibility to the former wife. The child lives between two households so it is the father's responsibility to help with the other household to the degree it benefits his child he created with another woman. A woman who is also responsible for the cost of raising that child and is choosing to be a SAHM. I'm all for being a SAHM but the father of my children is the only one responsible for helping me do that, no-one else, especially if the father is choosing not to work as well.


----------



## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

I think you made a good choice. Not accusing your husband of running away from his responsibilities...as I can understand how tough it is to go to school full time and work...and that can be especially taxing in your family time. However, he does have a responsibility to his son...and for you to have to provide your earnings over to ExW seems inappropriate.


----------



## pink_lady (Dec 1, 2012)

You definitely made the right decision OP!


----------

