# Long Distance dreams turned into a nightmare



## Gigi_giselle (9 mo ago)

Hey,
So here’s my story in a nutshell.
Living in Europe where I was born. Met an American guy online and talked for 8 months. I decided to come over to the US for 6 months just for a change of scenery and we spent the whole time together. He wasn’t my type at all and everyone would say they were surprised I got together with him, but in those 6 months he treated me like a queen and that’s what I fell for. I went back to Europe and he followed me over to ask me to come back to the US which I did later on that year-11 years ago.

As soon as I came to live here permanently the problems started. He changed from being fun to raging over everything. Sex went from normal to once a week then once a month then 6 months and it stopped altogether 8 years ago when we got married. Not even on our honeymoon!

The arguments over nothing have just been fierce and I learnt to bite my tongue while he raged constantly. Whenever I brought up sex he’d say he didn’t know why he had no interest and swore he didn’t get it elsewhere. I went from thinking he’s gay to asexual but deep down I know that’s not it. He’s a cop so ‘works’ late and weekends etc but how do I know he’s actually working when he says he is?
A few years back I found a number that he’d been calling and investigated. Turns out it was an ex of his. She doesn’t even live in the same state but just the fact he’s calling other women behind his wife’s back is wrong. He pleaded with me to stay even changing his number so she didn’t have it.

6 years ago he started spending time in the bedroom with the door closed instead of hanging out with me. When prodded he all of a sudden said he wanted a divorce. My world fell apart. I did everything to save my marriage in those 4 months-basically begging him to try. After 4 months of hell, when I was done with being disrespected and asked him to leave, he all of a sudden changed his mind and wanted the marriage to work.

Psychologically I couldn’t get over what he’d put me through in those four months and never really got over it. I resented him and my trust never came back. To add insult to injury I was diagnosed with cancer a few months later. He was supportive in that period but slowly things went back to normal. The rage resurfaced and continued. I can’t remember ever in my marriage going more than 48 hours without some sort of argument or something.

On Valentine’s Day this year I noticed yet another shady thing to add to all the others (spending $60 on body shower and cream for WORK added to always being obsessive about his phone-I couln’t go anywhere near it, always had a problem with being asked questions, even bs questions like where did you go for lunch etc) and I had a meltdown. he was clinging to me saying he’d kill himself if I left him.

I wanted some space and slept in another room and had very little contact with him for 2 weeks other than hi/bye to get my emotions under control. During this time I had a death in the family too which destroyed me and I noticed he didn’t console me-he just said oh I’m sorry..

After a couple of weeks I felt I owed it to him to sit down and talk about us. I wanted the marriage to work. Why? Cos I hoped that things would change and the bs would stop and we could live happily every after. Naive I know. I wrote out some “non negotiables” that were basically transparency, intimacy, romance, getting help for his rage.

Except, when we had the sit down his demeanor did a 180. He totally changed his tune. Now HE wanted a divorce. Turns out ‘his love faded’ over the years cos of the arguments,but can’t give me a timeline. And now I’m left to pick up the pieces of my life while nothing changes for him. He has his family here and his friends. I’m alone and left to figure out where to go from here. I’m living a nightmare and can’t believe this is happening. I know the marriage was horrible but the thought of it ending is devastating. Now all of a sudden all I think of is the FEW moments of happiness. Why can’t I remember the rage? Or the hurt? All I see is him going off with my replacement (I’m sure there is one I’m not stupid) Her living my life while I’m alone grieving over a lost marriage.

Divorce proceedings haven’t started yet but he’s leaving next week and I have to sell the house and everything in it and from there decide whether to go back to Europe or stay here.. alone.

And to think I SETTLED for this guy. I settled for someone who was far away from being my type, I settled for someone who wasn’t worthy and had no social graces believing that “well at least he won’t cheat” ha! He broke me down to the point I believed HE was the catch and I was worthless. He earns like 6/7 times what I earn so he threw gifts at me to make up for the absence of affection. People around me can’t believe what’s happening and what I went through as they always thought it was a happy marriage. I put up a good front. And so does he making people think he dotes on me. And at first impact it looks like I’m the bad one. I’m the one with the strong character and I’m the one who wants a divorce. Little do they know.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

The marriage sounds awful and you are clearly both very unhappy so maybe it's the best thing it's ending? 
If you have family in Europe why not just go back there and leave the mess behind. 
Start afresh and finally have some peace in your life.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Gigi_giselle said:


> Hey,
> So here’s my story in a nutshell.
> Living in Europe where I was born. Met an American guy online and talked for 8 months. I decided to come over for 6 months just for a change and we spent the whole time together. He wasn’t my type at all and everyone would say they were surprised I got together with him, but in those 6 months he treated me like a queen and that’s what I fell for. I went back to Europe and he followed me over to ask me to come back to the US which I did later on that year-11 years ago.
> As soon as I came to live here permanently the problems started. He changed from being fun to raging over everything. Sex went first to once a week then once a month then 6 months and it stopped altogether 8 years ago then we got married. Not even on our honeymoon.
> ...


I agree with @Diana7 this really sounds terrible.
I know it’s hard but for your own sake pull the plug on this thing and walk away for real this time. Go back home if you need to.

You didn’t mention kids or work… is the house his? Why does he get to stay there with his new woman?
Divorce is a terrible and there’s nothing good or easy about it, except that is does have an ending. Tough it out and get to the ending.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Serial cheating
No sex with you
Rage and anger all the time

I see it as a red flag that you:
Accept these things for YEARS abd still want this guy, and that you had an online relationship from across the ocean and actually went to see this guy to start with. There are quite a few guys in Europe. Why?

I would say you should see a professional to help with this. There is no way you should think so little of yourself to have ever married this “man”. He took you away from your support group to a different country and mistreated and emotionally abandoned you. He’s a terrible person. Get out while you can.


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## Gigi_giselle (9 mo ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> I agree with @Diana7 this really sounds terrible.
> I know it’s hard but for your own sake pull the plug on this thing and walk away for real this time. Go back home if you need to.
> 
> You didn’t mention kids or work… is the house his? Why does he get to stay there with his new woman?
> Divorce is a terrible and there’s nothing good or easy about it, except that is does have an ending. Tough it out and get to the ending.


Thanks you. no children. I work remotely so can do it anywhere. The house is ours so we’re selling and splitting the proceeds. I don’t know if there’s a new woman I’m just presuming as we know men can’t live alone for long


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## Gigi_giselle (9 mo ago)

Evinrude58 said:


> Serial cheating
> No sex with you
> Rage and anger all the time
> 
> ...


Thanks. I ask myself the same question.. “why?” I guess because I left it till I was older to get married and thought I found the right person and even though I realized he wasn’t immediately, I found myself in a different continent alone and so just tried to make it work somehow..


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## Scrooge (Dec 28, 2021)

I'm sorry to know that you found yourself in that situation, and hope your health issues are under control by now, cancer is no fun, let alone with all this happening.

I have no advice, nor can I help at all, but all I will say is that you survived what sounds like a horrible relationship/marriage for as long as you have, clearly with little to no support from your so-called 'man', and you're still on your feet. So whatever it is you decide to do, you'll be fine, and you'll get through it one way or another.

Your head is probably overloaded with a million things that you have to think about and process, with the emotional trauma of having realised that your marriage is over on top of everything else. This will most likely cloud your judgment on certain matters, so if it is a viable option, I would leave the 'big' decisions such as whether to move back to your home country or stay where you are for a few more weeks/months till dust's settled and you're in a better state to make such decisions

Good luck, and congratulations on your newly-found courage to finally do something instead of settling for crumbs 😁


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## Gigi_giselle (9 mo ago)

Scrooge said:


> I'm sorry to know that you found yourself in that situation, and hope your health issues are under control by now, cancer is no fun, let alone with all this happening.
> 
> I have no advice, nor can I help at all, but all I will say is that you survived what sounds like a horrible relationship/marriage for as long as you have, clearly with little to no support from your so-called 'man', and you're still on your feet. So whatever it is you decide to do, you'll be fine, and you'll get through it one way or another.
> 
> ...


Thank you ☺


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