# Husband Affair then another EM Affair, can't trust and now separating



## lala911 (Feb 23, 2018)

I have been married for fourteen years and we have three small children. My husband developed a drinking problem over the years where he was verbally abuse to me, but never physically abusive. I didn't know how to handle it so I just avoided him when he drank. We have an older children in his teens and two younger children under the age of four when he was at his worst drinking excessively mostly on weekends. We argued about his drinking and he resented me for telling him that I thought he had a drinking problem and I did call him an alcoholic, he called me worst things like ***** and the c word. The following morning he would not recall what occurred and would try to go about the day as if nothing had happened, of course I would be bitter and I would have an attitude with him. It was really hard for me to get over the things he would say to me. This past summer, his abusive behavior increased and was mentioning the D word along with telling me that if I wasn't going to have sex with him, he would find it elsewhere. He has severe OCD, so I was used to dealing with his mood swings and I thought this was just at its all time worst. Well during our family vacation on his birthday I was able to access his phone while he was sleeping after drinking and I read several emails from a woman wishing him a happy birthday, that he was the perfect man of masculinity and that although what they did was wrong, that he deserved to be happy with someone and that he had caught me with other men, so that she appreciates his intentions to leave me. I read other emails where she was saying that she was caught up watching porn and the rest was lots of I love you and he sent her a message saying it was anightmare being on vacation with me. I called her that night and she Hung up on me. My heart was coming out of my chest and I felt incredibly torn apart that he would do this to me. He gave me every reason to cheat on him, and I never did nor did I ever disrespect him. He was defensive that night I confronted him and he grabbed the phone from me and reset it completely. I had forwarded the emails to my work email so I still had them. The following two days, while we were on vacation with the whole family I could not get out of bed. I fell into a depression and I have never been depressed in my life before. I threw my wedding rings at him and I told him I was finished. He was extremely remorseful and he told me that she listened to him and that he wish he could have taken it back. Well, then came the period of ambiguity, where he wouldn't tell me he didn't want to be with me, but he was still talking to her. She even sent him to see a psychic, apparently she had a psychic tell her that she was going to be with a man that had 3 children, so low and behold that's my husband...she is so desperate. Well, after about two weeks he finally told me that he wanted to be with me and that he was going to break it off on a text with her and then show it to me. He did it and she called me a scumbag and that it was my fault he was having health issues. My husband was scheduled to have a surgical procedure and he was depressed about the possibility of having complications. He had a AFIB which is caused by excessive alcohol drinking but he told the doctors that he wasn't an alcoholic so they said sometimes it just happens. He told me that she wanted to be there for the surgery and he told her that she could not be. The affair lasted about 4 months before I discovered it and two months before I discovered it he was in the hospital for an irregular heart beat. I realize now that he was communicating with her while I was sleeping at the hospital with him and taking care of him. During his recovery time he continued to drink and we were in the hospital two additional times overnight and he still would not admit he had a drinking problem, both times he drank at least 2 bottles of red wine and god knows what else. He was off work on sick leave for about 6 weeks and I took sometime off as well to care for him. I thought this time was a blessing because we had a chance to reconnect and I felt like our relationship was stronger than before. I started to share drinks with him mostly out of guilt because I learned that "she" was drinking with him and that is something he enjoyed. I felt like I had to change something for our relationship to work. I even began having more sex with him, sometimes even twice a day, we even subscribed to sex boxes to spice things up. We went to marriage counseling, but that would bring out the worst in me. He also was seeing a therapist on his own prior to me learning of the affair and she diagnosed him with severe OCD and PTSD and prescribed him Zoloft 150 mg. It was during the time he was taking the Zoloft that he saids he starting thinking clearly and decided to leave her for me. Fast forward to the Fall time, we were doing very well and we had dinner after one of his doctors appointments. We met for dinner and then I drove home, we were in separate vehicles. Late that night I was notified by the police that he was arrested for DUI and later he was also charged criminally for assault. He spent six days in jail and it was in the local paper, therefore everyone at my job and the community knew about it. He was suspended without pay from work. I hired an attorney I saw him at the prison and I cried every night, even sending him text messages that I knew he would not see til later. My heart broke for him and I was even more concerned because of his OCD. When he came out he said he was humbled by the experience and he was driven to find a new job. after a few days it became clear that he was not going to get hired anywhere because of his arrest. After about a month of being unemployed a friend of ours hired him at half his salary. About two weeks ago, I returned from a 5 day business trip and I arrived at my house at 1am. I laid down next to him and his phone dinged with two text messages. I grabbed his phone and found a message on a secret text app that said "goodnight" "I love you". The secret app was one the I also have and we were using it to discuss the legal issues. The id began with an N and the woman he had an affair with her name also began with an N so I immediately thought he was talking to her. I confronted him and he tried to grab the phone from me. I ran outside and I drove away with his car. I text the app saying to call me and the messages would not go through so I figure he communicated with her that I had his phone. He called me about 15 later and told me I was acting crazy. The following day I told him to leave the house. He told me that it was not what I thought it was and that it was not the other woman. Well he spent the weekend away and began drinking again, he was not drinking while he was with me because I told him I was afraid something would happen. I thought that god created this situation so that he would never drink again and that would be the answer to all my prayers. He came back and we went to marriage counseling and she said he had to be transparent with me. He was very defensive and told me he couldn't communicate with her because he just met her on a peer to peer online chat and that she deleted her profile. I told him that this time I was not going to go on his terms and that I wanted to communicate with her. He swore to me that he had never spoken to her and that it was just text messages. Well, I found the phone bill and in it I found that 5 days after getting out of jail, he was talking to someone for 158 minutes then the next day 120 min and even on our anniversary for several hours. The number was a virtual phone and I only had one weeks worth of phone calls. I confronted him with it and he admitted that he was just depressed and again, that she listened to him and that he could not talk to me. I tried explainign to him that this is an EM affair and he denies it being that. I told him that this is completely inappropriate and he knew it was wrong because he kept it from me. After 11 days, he finally said he found her on the app and he started a conversation on the string. She basically said that she was helping him and that he is an amazing man and she hopes we work things out. I asked her if it was common for her to sign off I love you and she said that yes, because she is connected to him and that she does love him. That was so painful for me! At that moment I told him to write to her that he can no longer communicate with her. That night he drank excessively and became very aggressive with me. He fought with me and insulted me and I was just crushed, he finally slept on the couch and I was heartbroken. Finally, we tried again going to the counselor and she again said to be transparent. That same night, we were watching a movie and he went downstairs to use the bathroom. I forced the door open and he was on his phone, when I asked to see it, he ran away from me and was trying to get lock me out of the room. I knew at that moment that I can no longer trust him. He will not change, he does not believe he is doing anything wrong. He is moving out to an apartment in two weeks and he is tormenting me every night. He goes from I can't live without you to I'm an evil woman and that I am throwing him away because of a few text messages. He last weekend told me that maybe we could have date nights at his apartment. He is all over the place and I its hard to stay focused. He tells me that maybe we will be back together after this, but that if I have sex with another man there will be no chance of that. How am I supposed to respond to his behaviours? I still love him and if he would tell me the truth and actually see that his behavior was wrong I could move on, but he blames me for this. Help!


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## RSFWID (Jun 5, 2013)

Hi sorry your going through this I wish I could give you advice but at the moment I’m a mess myself. But I will say a prayer for you.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

For the sake of your poor children who must be being deeply hurt and emotionally damaged by this mess please stay away from him and stop contact for a time to give yourself space to think. Your first responsibility in this situation is to be a good mother. 

Until he stops drinking for good and stops this cheating what sort of marriage can it be?


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## Rhubarb (Dec 1, 2017)

Anything productive you do with this guy is like putting whipped cream and a cherry on a steaming pile of s**t. Really, you need to dump him pronto. You should have dumped him long ago. My ex-wife was a serious alcoholic and cheater too and although my story is a bit different from yours, I can see a lot of similarities. This isn't going to start getting better for you until you put some distance between you and him. I made the mistake of staying too long also, but I finally got out. I'm now remarried and I'm one million percent happier. 

You're probably worried about the disruption in your life. Thats seems to be the barrier for a lot of people that stops them from doing what they know they should . However it's something you just NEED to push through. There is no way around it, but once you do you will be much happier on the other side.


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## lala911 (Feb 23, 2018)

My plan is devote myself to my children, who I have neglected because he needed so much attention. Im traveling for work this week and he won't stop calling me. He texts me to call him when I arrive and I didn't . He is manipulating me to think that I'm being malicious because I am ignoring his calls, but I really just need to stop talking to him so that I can think straight. I volunteered for another assignment as soon as I get back so that I don't see him until he moves out. I need help establishing rules, because he is moving about 20 minutes away and I don't want him to think he can stop by whenever he wants.


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