# Bedroom fun is on a downer because of me - advice needed



## AussieDave (Nov 21, 2012)

First of all, I just wanted to say that I'm a long time reader of this forum, but first time poster, so here goes!!! 

Background:
My wife and I have been in a relationship together for nearly 8 years. We have 2 children (5 and 3). We have overcome alot of rocky / challenging times in the first half of our relationship, mainly due to us both bringing baggage into it initially. 

The irony is that in the first few years we fought ALOT, but our sex life was amazing - both in terms of quality and quantity - and she would say the same. Over the last few years (probably 2-3) it has slowly degraded - usual story - 2 small kids, long work hours etc etc. However, our relationship is stronger than ever - we just love each other so much.

To the now:
As the frequency of our intimacy has reduced, I guess the quality began to drop off a little as well. 

We are now at a point where I am incredibly premature when we do try it (embarressed!). It has me so anxious and wound up in knots that I sometimes cum without orgasming and often without even getting a proper erection. It's stressing me out big time, and making me feel very inadequate.

My wife is being really supportive and patient as we try and figure out ways of overcoming this - we are both very committed to getting this important part of our relationship back on track. Whilst I'm still very attentive to her needs of stimulation via other techniques, the missing ingredient is becoming a big strain.

I can't bear the thought of losing her if I can't fix the problem - she promises me this wouldn't happen - but I can't get those thoughts out of my head.

I guess it has become a real problem in the past 1-2 months. I don't want it to fester and become a real barrier between us.

I would really appreciate to hear from people who have been through similar circumstances and successfully come out the other side. I know I need to relax more, but I'm finding it so hard!

Feeling quite confused, lost and to be honest - like I'm no longer a real man anymore.


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## BrookeT (Nov 3, 2012)

Part is mental, your nervous and thinking about cumming to fast, just relax, don't think about it, and focus on her. The other part, when you have sex infrequently, you're going to finish fast, that is normal. Have more sex, and that will fix itself once you get adjusted to getting it more often. 

If you cum to early, just focus on other things while you get ready for round 2. Kiss her, caress her, give her oral, until you're hard and read to try again.


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## geek down (May 10, 2012)

Are you fixed?? as in sterile? if you are then dude..just cum...work on her to keep her arousal up and then go for round two. If your not then keep a few strategic tissues and towel the little guy down before you go for round two. 

I kinda had the same problem after my vasectomy and with my first partner after my divorce started..I came quick..and I mean quick..she even commented that I came faster than any other guy she's ever been with. You're wife already knows you and your body so talking to her about it sounds easy for you. 

After we spoke about it and I told her I had just had a V AND the last time I had sex was 6 months before, she understood why. super sensitive..those condoms that 'numb' you did help..

point is, your putting TOOOO much pressure on yourself..You're playing the game in you're head too much and not enough on the field..

try changing positions when you feel it climaxing....go oral for a bit..

OH! and if you have a master bath, start in the shower and have round 2 in the bedroom..


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## AussieDave (Nov 21, 2012)

Thanks folks - I appreciate your thoughts.

I actually have found it somewhat therapeutic putting my thoughts down coherently in this posting. 

I guess I just need to:
- take the pressure off myself
- focus more on pleasuring her rather than the end game for A-grade sex
- maybe take it out of the bedroom as well, as I'm feeling a bit of negative energy from recent activities in there anyway. 

Hopefully in time (and not too long a time), things will fix themselves.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Have you tried cranking one out before hand?

Maybe try to schedule sex for a while, so you know when it's coming. You can mentally ready yourself for sex because you see it coming at you, like an appointment. If that alone doesn't help, try masturbating beforehand. It might dull the excitement for you to the point that you can keep going longer next time.

Out of curiousity, how often do you go between sexual encounters and how much time before sex do you spend thinking about it? If you are going a lengthy time in between and you have sex on your mind for days beforehand, it might be a case of overexcitement. I noticed you said your frequency has decreased, so maybe simply upping the frequency could help as well.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

AussieDave said:


> I can't bear the thought of losing her if I can't fix the problem - she promises me this wouldn't happen - but I can't get those thoughts out of my head.


Speaking as a loving wife.. please don't give this any energy or time. It's pointless and self defeating.

If my h was dealing with this.. I would know how upset he was and how lacking he felt and my only concern would be to improve the situation and for my H to feel good about himself again. 

She loves you...have faith in her.

Just keep those communication lines open and be honest with each other...worse thing would be to go all dark and brooding about it.

Have you thought about seeing a doc/urologist?


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## AussieDave (Nov 21, 2012)

Thanks Waiera.....

We have talked about seeing a doc..... we are trying to work to a bit of a plan.... if we can't fix it between ourselves by the end of December, then we will go and see someone.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

you sound like my husband, except the difference between you and your W and me and my H is we don't talk about it. It's like the elephant in the room. I know how bad he feels. I'm not sure what to say. He is totally exasperated when he comes in 3-5 seconds. I didn't know, til I read your post, that you can even come without having an orgasm. A week ago, he wasn't even hard and he came in 5 seconds.

Despite this, there is no way in the universe that I would leave him over this. no way. the truth is, i don't even find sex that exciting. I think he's upset because he wants to last longer to please me more, meanwhile, while he's going in and out, I'm thinking "dum dee dum dee dum dee dum..." so when he comes fast, I don't really care because I wasn't feeling much anyway. 

I like oral sex better because I can orgasm that way. I think it's good that you'll be going to a dr. or finding ways to deal with this. I think as long as you keep pleasing your wife in other ways, and she loves you, you're doing OK.


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