# gastric bypass marital issues



## will42805 (Sep 18, 2014)

Sorry for the long backstory but I feel its neccisary to understand who we are and what is going on.
My wife and I have been together for 14 years, married for 10 in Feb. We have a 9 year old daughter and a 4 year old son. Things for the last few years had gotten a little rocky between us. Nothing too bad though. We met our freshman year in high school. So as you would imagine our relationship grew with us. She was over weight when we met which was fine with me as I valued her personality and sensitivity. I felt very alone at that point in my life and she gave my life a purpose. We have had more than our share of ups and downs along the way. she had 9 surgeries done n her ankle in high school, an ovary removed, she is disabled due to fibro and about 20 other issues ,and the last surgery was the gastric bypass. I have been by her side to support and take care of her to the best of my ability. Although I admit that I wish I could have been more emotionally there for her. We had our fights like most couples do with the yelling and swearing, In the beginning after all the puppy love went away and life happened I would loose my temper and occasionally break things etc. That sort of thing is a rarity now as I would choose to walk away and talk later, but we still get into it. I have made a lot of progress to become the man I am and someday the man I hope to be. We are moved out of our apartment and into a home now which I thought would alleviate some of the stress, however during the move my wife had gastric bypass surgery with complications and wasn't able to eat or drink anything for a month after. She is doing wonderful as far as her weight loss goes, over 140 lbs.
Over the past 5 months she has secluded herself to playing Xbox most of the day. We rarely do anything together any more. About 2 months ago we started seeing a marriage councilor and have spent a little time together. She says she is unhappy with all the mistreatment she put up with during the course of our relationship. I should also clarify that I have had an issue with porn addition for most of my life and that is a big part of it. We have grown apart so far now that we are debating divorce or separation. She says she has a hard time putting her hurt behind her. We both agree that we would like to work through this together and not separate but I don't see her doing anything to spend time with me or working to improve the state of our relationship. I try to initiate spending time together but after getting shot down over and over I just come home and watch movies or play games by myself. I am grasping for any reason to stay here and keep going but I cant seem to find one. any advice would be much appreciated.


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## plsea (Sep 18, 2014)

I feel your pain. Thanks for your transparency ~ it sounds to me like you have a pretty good handle on what got you to the place you are now. It takes a grown up to admit shortcomings. The key is you realize it. 

One question I would pose to you after reading your post, is why you wrote, "I have made a lot of progress to become the man I am and someday the man I hope to be." My perception of this is that ultimately you do know that you would like to make some more changes. Perhaps with your visible transparency, you even know the changes you need to make?

Life is short, my friend. We have today and we hopefully have a bunch of tomorrows. We will never get back yesterday to change it. But we do have now. 

To me, it seems that you do not want to divorce or separate. It seems that you may have a little further to go in your personal growth past the temper? Take your time. But talk about it along the way. Maybe your wife would like to hear you open up a bit more? Heck, maybe you'd even enjoy it.

You have not had an easy road in this from the way you describe it. It's ok to take your lumps, but at the end of the day there are two people operating your marriage. You may need to be the culprit who drives the bus, but I'm hopeful you find a good place with yourself and your spouse. Good luck.


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## tryagain13 (Sep 15, 2014)

Have you committed to giving up the porn?


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

will42805 said:


> We are moved out of our apartment and into a home now which I thought would alleviate some of the stress, however during the move my wife had gastric bypass surgery with complications and wasn't able to eat or drink anything for a month after. She is doing wonderful as far as her weight loss goes, over 140 lbs.


About 80% of women who get gastric bypass are divorced within 2 years. Most of the women who are aren't divorced after 2 years, were slim when they married their husbands.

So, we need to make sure you're attractive enough physically, to hold her interest. How often do women come onto you when you are out and about your business?

What's your workout like?




will42805 said:


> I try to initiate spending time together but after getting shot down over and over I just come home and watch movies or play games by myself. I am grasping for any reason to stay here and keep going but I cant seem to find one. any advice would be much appreciated.


Just start going out in the evening with the kids. Tell her y'all are going, don't bother to ask her other than to give her the option as you're heading out the door. Take the reigns.


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## Thebes (Apr 10, 2013)

Since I don't know what was done or said so I can't say for sure but she may be past the point of no return. Sometimes once you reach that point it can be turned around but not often. Takes a lot of work.


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## tryagain13 (Sep 15, 2014)

I said almost the same thing verbatim in a different post/thread today. Unfortunately, that is true. You do reach a point of no return after a time. If you can stay, it's very difficult to get all the way "back" to your partner, the way you were or the way you want to be.


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## tonedef (Aug 7, 2014)

Hmmm... Lost weight, confidence up, all of a sudden unhappy in marriage, secluding self with xbox, xbox live perhaps? Bet she is talking to someone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Yup, this sounds just like the classic b**b job divorce scenario. She ups her rank, and all of a sudden you are no longer in her league.


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## will42805 (Sep 18, 2014)

plsea said:


> One question I would pose to you after reading your post, is why you wrote, "I have made a lot of progress to become the man I am and someday the man I hope to be." My perception of this is that ultimately you do know that you would like to make some more changes. Perhaps with your visible transparency, you even know the changes you need to make?
> 
> Life is short, my friend. We have today and we hopefully have a bunch of tomorrows. We will never get back yesterday to change it. But we do have now.
> 
> ...


I am as transparent as glass with my wife whether she likes what I have to say or not. When I say that I am not trying to be over bearing (not sure if that's the most accurate word) but I would rather say the truth and give my honest opinion even if its not the popular thing to do. I want her to know and love me for me and not some image that I try to project. As far as driving the bus, I try but its difficult when every couple of miles the tires go flat, the radiator fluid leaks, and I am running out of gas. 



tryagain13 said:


> Have you committed to giving up the porn?


More than any of the times before, but I am 29 years old with a wife that I cant even really kiss. Like the kind of kiss that makes all of life's stresses disappear for the duration. There is no intimacy what so ever. I keep trying to put the porn out of my mind but there is no way to relieve the pressure that the lack of intimacy or porn is causing. Its not on my mind for a few days then ill come across website adds, shopping at the store etc. There are so many triggers that make me feel like a damn horny teenager again its irritating.



Machiavelli said:


> So, we need to make sure you're attractive enough physically, to hold her interest. How often do women come onto you when you are out and about your business?
> 
> What's your workout like?
> 
> Just start going out in the evening with the kids. Tell her y'all are going, don't bother to ask her other than to give her the option as you're heading out the door. Take the reigns.


I have no time for workouts I am 29 years old 160 lbs 5' 7'' and I would say average but I have had women I would have considered out of my league suggestively flirt with me. so I guess its hard to answer that. My job involvs moving 800 lb buckets of meat or forking 70,000 lbs of meat all day with a pitch fork. I guess I would say my physical fitness is above average.



tonedef said:


> Hmmm... Lost weight, confidence up, all of a sudden unhappy in marriage, secluding self with xbox, xbox live perhaps? Bet she is talking to someone.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes she is, not romanticly as far as I know, a couple of British guys. She is watching football/soccer while talking to them to. I try to not read into that too much but it is deffinitly out of character.


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## will42805 (Sep 18, 2014)

I guess whether my marriage lasts or ends I will be just fine. I have become a silver lining sort of person. I don't mind crawling through the dirt and mud, so long as I know where I am going. My biggest issue is knowing when to stop trying to keep it working and when to start trying to make myself happy.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

will42805 said:


> I am as transparent as glass with my wife whether she likes what I have to say or not. When I say that I am not trying to be over bearing (not sure if that's the most accurate word) but I would rather say the truth and give my honest opinion even if its not the popular thing to do. I want her to know and love me for me and not some image that I try to project. As far as driving the bus, I try but its difficult when every couple of miles the tires go flat, the radiator fluid leaks, and I am running out of gas.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Based on these responses, it's all over but the crying.


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## will42805 (Sep 18, 2014)

At what point do you abandon hope, open your hands and let go of the ledge. I'm not suicidal I just have a hard time putting feelings into words. Analogies work better for me. Oh and thanks its nice to have someone to talk to other than the people who all say she is using me. Different perspectives help.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

will42805 said:


> Yes she is, not romanticly as far as I know, a couple of British guys. She is watching football/soccer while talking to them to. I try to not read into that too much but it is deffinitly out of character.


Just a point Will, this is something you should read into. It's apparent in this quote, she's still into male attention, just not from you. 

Will, what is it that you want here? Tell us what you want to work toward.


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## OptimisticPessimist (Jul 26, 2010)

OP, first thing that came to mind when reading your post is what other posters have mentioned above:

She lost a bunch of weight, started getting attention, and now you dont rank high enough to hold her attraction. Now its time to blameshift every problem onto you, and then she can move on to a higher ranking male with a clear conscience because "it was his fault because of X, Y and Z."

When a woman goes through a massive change that raises her rank in the dating world, she _often_ temporarily- literally- goes insane. She has to re-establish her actual rank and boundaries.

In the wake of this process, long-term relationships (where the puppy love is dead) and marriages are destroyed.

You had best get in the gym yourself, and you had best pass any and all sh!t tests. You must demand respect, you must resist her efforts to blameshift, you must be the one man who can call her on her sh!t, and you must hold her accountable to her marriage.

If it gets worse, consult the top 5 divorce lawyers in your area immediately and pick one, then drop papers squarely in her lap and STONEWALL every emotion you have until youre completely alone. She needs to see you are confident enough to move on with your life, and that she does not dictate your value.

**EDIT** Seeing your responses, I would proceed directly to the divorce lawyer. The ONLY chance you have with her is to bring immediate calamity to her doorstep (which divorce does). Once she sees the cost of her actions and what she can lose, she _might_ turn her attitude around. Prospects do not look good IMO...

Further, youre *29* dude- you are totally young enough to find another woman who wants you. Get some confidence, get the process started and if you change your mind by her actions, so be it. If you dont, then you can be well on your way to find a life with someone else...


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## will42805 (Sep 18, 2014)

Machiavelli said:


> Based on these responses, it's all over but the crying.


How do you figure. If it is truly over I have so much to look foreword to and no regrets to look back on. I gave my marriage everything I had. I have two beautiful children to make memories with and apparently, just maybe a little hell left to raise!....... <See silver lining>

And whatever it is she is looking fore I truly hope she finds it, even if its not with me.


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## will42805 (Sep 18, 2014)

anchorwatch said:


> Just a point Will, this is something you should read into. It's apparent in this quote, she's still into male attention, just not from you.
> 
> Will, what is it that you want here? Tell us what you want to work toward.


I would prefer to be happily in love with my wife but if that is not an option I want to get on with my life and start to repair it, financially and where I want to be. My grandfather was my biggest role model. He embodied everything in the man I would like to some day become.


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## OptimisticPessimist (Jul 26, 2010)

will42805 said:


> How do you figure. If it is truly over I have so much to look foreword to and no regrets to look back on. I gave my marriage everything I had. I have two beautiful children to make memories with and apparently, just maybe a little hell left to raise!....... <See silver lining>
> 
> And whatever it is she is looking fore I truly hope she finds it, even if its not with me.


He was referring to the marriage, and the presumed pain that comes with it failing.

If you can hold your head high and walk away, thats a very good first step.


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## will42805 (Sep 18, 2014)

To be truthful I have done My share of crying over this. I am not ignorant of the fact that it wont be the last time. I just prefer to keep my eye on the silver lining. That kind of mentality keeps you moving foreword.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

will42805 said:


> I would prefer to be happily in love with my wife but if that is not an option I want to get on with my life and start to repair it, financially and where I want to be. My grandfather was my biggest role model. He embodied everything in the man I would like to some day become.


Sounds like a good goal. If that's it, then these can help you start the move forward. Stop chasing her, let her see you moving foward, then you'll see her decision. Whether she will go with you can't be determined yet, but you will be in better shape either way. Because now you will determine your future, and it won't depend on her whims.


180 List

No More Mr Nice Guy, R Glover.

Best


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## tonedef (Aug 7, 2014)

I would check to see what her conversations are like. If they are appropriate, she wouldn't feel the need to seclude herself. What silver lining?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## will42805 (Sep 18, 2014)

tonedef said:


> I would check to see what her conversations are like. If they are appropriate, she wouldn't feel the need to seclude herself. What silver lining?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The fact that not supporting a disabled wife would allow me to go to a tech college and get myself and my life in order. Honestly anything is better than sitting here not knowing. I wont be so depressed with the current situation, More quality time and focus on my children. Well I have to get up for work in about 4 hrs so good night all.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

You got a few issues. 

1. You were looking at porn frequently and she assumed this was because you found her unattractive. Her self-esteem was shot, and not that she has taken some steps up becoming more attractive she feels you now like her. Some of that may be inaccurate as you can point out you started going out with her when she was heavy and many men look at porn who have thin wives. 

2. As others note, you should work on becoming more attractive, likable because her expectations may have increased. 

3. As others note, you need to be confident and not unduly needy. If she wants to discuss 1 above or other issues you can be there, but be careful of building up an ego on her part that becoming bigger. Don't keep going to her, she has to initiate communication and then you can apologize or listen to her concerns if she takes the first step. Otherwise in her mind you perpetrate the "he don't like me when I was fat, but not he's after me like everyone else."


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