# Am I in the wrong? Pregnant with low sex drive



## IvyJane (4 mo ago)

My husband and I are in our 4th year of marriage. We were the kind of couple other couples were jealous of, we were so in love and meant to be. We have a fantastic foundation I thought was rock-solid. 

Within the first year we lost our first baby to stillbirth. We started trying again almost straight away but it took over a year to fall pregnant again. The hardest year of my life. If anyone has been thrift pregnancy loss or infertility, you understand the toll this takes on a relationship. 

The next pregnancy was high risk and we were medically unable to have actual sex. We did whatever else we could and made the most of it.

The first year of our next baby being born I struggled to keep up with everything and sex went onto the backburner. Not off the table completely, just not really a focus or priority for me. Though I understand how important it is for my husband and try to keep him happy, just consenting sex isn't good enough and he craves "mind blowing, beginning of a relationship sex". 

Once our toddler was 15 months we fell pregnant again. I'm currently 25+ weeks and sex is still/again a huge problem in our relationship. I am constantly tired to the point of exhaustion. I have to ask to have a shower most days (so he can watch the toddler). I cook and try to clean, keep the house tidy, keep it all running etc. Do all the shopping, 90% of childcare. Look after the washing, the bins, the car, etc etc etc. I'm tired. I don't feel like sex right now, though if (and when) I say no to his advances he takes it so deeply personally and NEEDS to talk about it for hours on end afterward (generally at 2am) which devolves into him telling me how inadequate I am and how much of a disappointment until I'm curled into a ball in the corner crying because he won't stop yelling at me. 

He is very intellectual and can talk around me in am argumemt to the point where I don't know if it's me who's being unreasonable anymore. 

It's been a very hard few years since we lost our first baby and though I know I love him, and I know we will get ourselves back eventually, I don't know how to do this anymore. He's told me I need to sort it out. I need to fix his problem because he's already tried everything (counseling - both couples and individually, reading extensively, etc). I haven't put enough time or effort into fixing it, so here I am. 
Is it reasonable to want that kind of wild sex at this point in our relationship? Surely things ebb and flow, I feel and believe we will get back there, but to be perfectly honest, I am finding this desperate/bully side of him very unattractive.

I'm lost and I need advice


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

IvyJane said:


> My husband and I are in our 4th year of marriage. We were the kind of couple other couples were jealous of, we were so in love and meant to be. We have a fantastic foundation I thought was rock-solid.
> 
> Within the first year we lost our first baby to stillbirth. We started trying again almost straight away but it took over a year to fall pregnant again. The hardest year of my life. If anyone has been thrift pregnancy loss or infertility, you understand the toll this takes on a relationship.
> 
> ...


He has some growing up to do and needs a reality check. He doesn't sound like he has very much empathy for you. And of course he's making it worse because you're going to lose respect for him since he is only thinking of his sex needs and not the rest of your life and well-being.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Isn't there anybody more mature in his life that he listens to who might be persuaded to counsel him about this?

Or are you going to have to go to marriage counseling to get some backup?


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Only year four and you’re already making excuses (I notice you wrote sex was on the back burner pre-pregnancy)? He’s in for a rough ride. You are also. It doesn’t sound like you’re sexually compatible. Are you magically going to get more energy after baby #2 is born? How do you see this playing out? If his needs aren’t being met at home, he’s either going to cheat or bail, or both. Hire a nanny to help and make some time for him. Don’t be the person that becomes a mommy and quits their job as a wife.


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## IvyJane (4 mo ago)

Thank you for your response. We have done counseling - a lot - I'm not sure i could have survived that first year without my baby without counseling to get by. But we haven't been in a few months - the last time we were there he disagreed very intensely with the physiologist about how he was going about the whole sex situation. He (psych) told him he was acting like a caveman (I am paraphrasing strongly) and no woman would want to respond to it. 
It was a very uncomfortable situation, wanting to naturally defend my husband while also agreeing with the psych. 

I am honestly not sure there is anyone who would be able to out-talk him about this issue. I'll have a think about who in our life may be able to assist.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

IvyJane said:


> Thank you for your response. We have done counseling - a lot - I'm not sure i could have survived that first year without my baby without counseling to get by. But we haven't been in a few months - the last time we were there he disagreed very intensely with the physiologist about how he was going about the whole sex situation. He (psych) told him he was acting like a caveman (I am paraphrasing strongly) and no woman would want to respond to it.
> It was a very uncomfortable situation, wanting to naturally defend my husband while also agreeing with the psych.
> 
> I am honestly not sure there is anyone who would be able to out-talk him about this issue. I'll have a think about who in our life may be able to assist.


It wasn't smart to defend him when you were finally getting to the issue with that counselor. He needed to hear it. 

If that's all he cares about, you have problems ahead. That shouldn't come ahead of everything else. I think you can go back to counseling you need to be honest this time instead of feeling bad for him and defending him. That's the only way you're going to find out if there's any hope for him or not.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

IvyJane said:


> Thank you for your response. We have done counseling - a lot - I'm not sure i could have survived that first year without my baby without counseling to get by. But we haven't been in a few months - the last time we were there he disagreed very intensely with the physiologist about how he was going about the whole sex situation. He (psych) told him he was acting like a caveman (I am paraphrasing strongly) and no woman would want to respond to it.
> It was a very uncomfortable situation, wanting to naturally defend my husband while also agreeing with the psych.
> 
> I am honestly not sure there is anyone who would be able to out-talk him about this issue. I'll have a think about who in our life may be able to assist.


Well you aren't wrong. But that doesn't mean he's going to see how bad a miscarriage and 2 children in a few years can effect libido and energy. It sounds like you are trying to accommodate his needs and he wants more than you currently can give.

I don't know how long you were together before the first miscarriage but it is very important to establish a great relationship prior to kids. They absolutely put a marriage through the test.

He can come to a website like this or what have you and there will be men that are like tell her to get on board enthusiastically or divorce. Caveman good. That's never the whole story. But that could easily be his story. If you are a Stay at home mom as soon as medically advisable you need to start looking for a job. He most likely isn't going to improve or come to see your point of view. This marriage is unstable. Do what you got to do for how ever long it takes you to either recover or be stable for a divorce. Please don't have anymore children with this man until (if the marriage becomes stable).


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## IvyJane (4 mo ago)

Rebuildingme - thank you for your kind and gentle response. 
Honestly though, of course that's what I'm the most worried about. I want it to work.
I know I can be me again - just as I was getting there when we fell pregnant again. Of course it will happen - I don't doubt that but. But I want to kind, lovely husband he used to be also. Why else would I be here.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

IvyJane said:


> Rebuildingme - thank you for your kind and gentle response.
> Honestly though, of course that's what I'm the most worried about. I want it to work.
> I know I can be me again - just as I was getting there when we fell pregnant again. Of course it will happen - I don't doubt that but. But I want to kind, lovely husband he used to be also. Why else would I be here.


Of course everyone wants it to work. The key is finding out what isn’t working and change it. I, for one, think couples therapy is a waste of time and money. But if any nut job I was paying insinuated that I was a caveman for wanting sex with my wife, he would have been fired that day. You must carve out alone time with him. Do you work?


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## IvyJane (4 mo ago)

Rebuildingme. It is an unfortunate fact of wriring in this way that so much nuance is lost. We are left without tone, context, background etc. 

I initially LOLed at your understanding that psych said he's a caveman for wanting sex, but that's all we're left with to understand from when a million words would be hard pressed to cover it all.

I understand you don't believe in counseling of any kind - that's not an uncommon view. We happen to disagree, but it's OK to disagree.

Perhaps it is just me, but your question about my job status feels loaded. I'll be honest: It is a joint decision between my husband and myself that I not work while pregnant due to the nature of my work and high risk status of our pregnancies. For what it's worth, I am currently instead investing this time into study via an online course to try and better myself and our future.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

IvyJane said:


> Rebuildingme. It is an unfortunate fact of wriring in this way that so much nuance is lost. We are left without tone, context, background etc.
> 
> I initially LOLed at your understanding that psych said he's a caveman for wanting sex, but that's all we're left with to understand from when a million words would be hard pressed to cover it all.
> 
> ...


Not loaded. You referenced all the work you were doing at home and I wanted perspective whether you were doing it in addition to a career. My strong advice to you would be to go back to work full time after the baby is born and come up with a equal division of labor or outsource it.
Not to be mean, I’m just a direct person. If you’re not having sex by then he will start outsource the sex also. You guys sound young? Too young to be hanging up the cleats on sex.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

IvyJane said:


> He (psych) told him he was acting like a caveman (I am paraphrasing strongly) and no woman would want to respond to it.


I can see this from your original post where you used the word “yelling”. That isn’t going to work.



IvyJane said:


> Is it reasonable to want that kind of wild sex at this point in our relationship?


Is it unreasonable? You didn’t describe it in any way other than “new relationship”. 

I have been married over 20 years and I’d say now we’re having “new relationship” level sex because I’m treating my wife how I treated her then and making her happiness a priority like I did when we were first dating. So we do have a new relationship.

For me it’s a natural thing like breathing. If you change physically due to pregnancy it doesn’t mean your husband changes.

His reaction to it isn’t doing him any favors and he’s also right that consenting but obviously not into it is not great. He also doesn’t sound like someone who can have a proper talk about it. Yelling at your wife that she’s not putting out how you want isn’t a good look.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

ccpowerslave said:


> Yelling at your wife that she’s not putting out how you want isn’t a good look.


Neither are threats, intimidation, bullying or neglect, just saying. He has NO idea what she has been through. Miscarriages are not something for her to just "get over." It's not his fault he doesn't understand, there are literally no societal motivations for him to understand. The only way he can know is if the OP tells him. I know it's hard to talk about, but it's really the only thing that's fair. If he doesn't listen or doesn't care, just wants "exciting" and "exotic" sex, don't waste any more time on him.


Anastasia6 said:


> If you are a Stay at home mom as soon as medically advisable you need to start looking for a job.


Absolutely. Do NOT be a SAHM, you are not in a safe place right now. If he starts pulling away, refusing to be around the children, ignoring you, refusing to pay bills, allowing the electricity to be shut off or removing your access to money so you can't feed the children, just pack. He's done. The reason that he talks circles around you is to intimidate and bully you into silence. That is a very tried-and-true bullying tactic and signals that he doesn't care at all about your needs or the needs of your children, he's only in this for himself. Not to mention that men like that believe they are justified in cheating if their "needs aren't met." No matter how humiliating, painful, dehumanizing and unrealistic those needs are.

It's entirely possible and probable that at this point he is just immature and selfish and has zero idea how much this is frightening and hurting you. You should tell him how you feel and give him a chance. It's only fair. But don't risk your safety or the safety of your children with a man who doesn't want to be a husband and father.


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## Loves Coffee (4 mo ago)

IvyJane said:


> My husband and I are in our 4th year of marriage. We were the kind of couple other couples were jealous of, we were so in love and meant to be. We have a fantastic foundation I thought was rock-solid.
> 
> Within the first year we lost our first baby to stillbirth. We started trying again almost straight away but it took over a year to fall pregnant again. The hardest year of my life. If anyone has been thrift pregnancy loss or infertility, you understand the toll this takes on a relationship.
> 
> ...


It's posts like this that make me never want to have kids with a woman. Sex on the backburner? What if he put your needs or wants on a backburner? How many years must he endure before you make him a priority?


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

IvyJane - you make a compelling argument and list out everything your husband does wrong. The typical people that I expected ran to your defense immediately. What a terrible man you are married to! That's sarcasm of course. 

Also, what do you consider "yelling"? Is raising your voice slightly considered yelling? 

Now - take a moment to list everything your husband does right. 

I bet he doesn't sound too much like a terrible guy once you do that, does he? 

Or, think of it this way: what would your husband say if he were here telling his side of the story to everyone here? 

Is he a good father? 

Is he a good provider? 

Do you need anything? Do you feel protected and secure? 

If you answer "yes" to those questions, you'll start to understand where your husband is coming from. You'll have to forgive me if I don't have empathy for you for saying you are "tired". It's called being an adult. Everyone is tired. We all work our asses off every day either doing what you are doing for your family as a stay at home mother (very strenuous work) or going out everyday to bring home the paycheck. 

Oh, and I will say everything I just said with the complete understanding of losing children to miscarriage and infertility. I've been there and done that and SUFFERED GREATLY due to it. My ex-wife and I did not divorce over that issue. In fact, we grew stronger and closer together BECAUSE of that issue (at that time in our lives). 

Now, it sounds like your husband is whining a bit more than what he should be doing, but this won't be going away. It's up to you if you can find your way back to wanting sex or if you two are just incompatible.


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## IvyJane (4 mo ago)

RebuildingMe said:


> Not loaded. You referenced all the work you were doing at home and I wanted perspective whether you were doing it in addition to a career. My strong advice to you would be to go back to work full time after the baby is born and come up with a equal division of labor or outsource it.
> Not to be mean, I’m just a direct person. If you’re not having sex by then he will start outsource the sex also. You guys sound young? Too young to be hanging up the cleats on sex.


That's the plan after bub turns 12 months, which is standard in my country 🙂
Also, I think I finally understand that there may hadn't been a miscommunication - of course we have sex. It's just not up to the standard he wants. A standard which I personally think is unattainable in a regular basis at this point in time. 
In no way are we young - I'm at the end of my childbearing years, with him being 6 years senior to me, though I completely understand why we may sound as if we are! I agree too young to be "hanging up the cleats on sex" though, as you eloquently put it.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

How frequently do you have sex of any kind (intercourse, oral, or otherwise). How often does he initiate, and how often do you turn him down?

What is his yelling like? Volume wise, duration, and content?

What are the worst things he has said to you, especially “about you”, and how frequent does he say those things?

The trouble here is we tend to fill in the information gaps here, by projecting our own experience.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Loves Coffee said:


> _*How many years must he endure before you make him a priority?*_


The poor, poor *victim*.

He's a manipulative bully that does almost NO parenting at all and the OP can't even get a damned shower without having to get the POS to parent his own kid for 20 minutes! He's a damned spoiled child who wants "new relationship sex" and needs to get knocked down into reality.

OP, my first suggestion would be to use *condoms*. Don't have any more kids with this selfish ass-hole because for all intents and purposes, you're going to be a single mother because you'll be the ONLY one raising them - while working a full-time job AND doing 95% of the work inside your home on top of it. And every night after you're done doing all THAT, then you need to become a sex kitten and spend 2 hours catering to your selfish, self-entitled bully of a husband.

You should be able to do all that every day, right? Besides, sleep is overrated.

Maybe if lover boy could stop thinking with his genitals for 5 minutes, he might actually accomplish something.


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## elliblue (7 mo ago)

Loves Coffee said:


> It's posts like this that make me never want to have kids with a woman. Sex on the backburner? What if he put your needs or wants on a backburner? How many years must he endure before you make him a priority?


That is really good. This is called evolution. When men who priorities sex over procreation go extinct. 
Unfortunately OPs husband didn't use his brain.
A husband like this is useless. And he isn't as bright as you claim OP. Otherwise he qould understand that pregnancy is exhausting. 
A monkey may not have the IQ to understand that pregnancy isn't fun and the same as a condition. It is even life threatining to women. 
A male **** sapiems should have the IQ to get such sinple fact and should be able to understabd he has to protect and respect his wifes well being.

Find a guy whos brain is more evolved then your husbands.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

RebuildingMe said:


> But if any nut job I was paying insinuated that I was a caveman for wanting sex with my wife, he would have been fired that day.


I think the comment wasn't about him wanting sex with his wife, but how he goes about it. Did you read what he does?


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

In Absentia said:


> I think the comment wasn't about him wanting sex with his wife, but how he goes about it. Did you read what he does?


Yes but she also admitted she put sex on the “back burner”. I’m sure he went into MC sort of upset.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

RebuildingMe said:


> Yes but *she also admitted she put sex on the “back burner”*. I’m sure he went into MC sort of upset.


Yes, but that doesn't justify shouting at or bullying your wife.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

IvyJane said:


> My husband and I are in our 4th year of marriage. We were the kind of couple other couples were jealous of, we were so in love and meant to be. We have a fantastic foundation I thought was rock-solid.
> 
> Within the first year we lost our first baby to stillbirth. We started trying again almost straight away but it took over a year to fall pregnant again. The hardest year of my life. If anyone has been thrift pregnancy loss or infertility, you understand the toll this takes on a relationship.
> 
> ...


Honestly what you and your husband are going through is really more the rule than the exception for people who have been through what you have. If I could give advice directly to your husband it would be be patient, help out as much as possible, keep being romantic and don't take getting turned down personally. Having 2 babies is some crazy stuff. If I posted a picture of me from the time my youngest was a baby and a picture of me today 14 years later you would think I was younger in the picture today. We tend to forget what having little ones is like. It is tough and expecting everything to be like it was before the babies is the opposite end of the spectrum from realistic. 

It took my wife and I a couple years to get back to a normal sex life after the youngest was born, today our sex life is better than it has ever been. 

You have to approach it as a team, remember you're in it together. You might have to say yes every now and then even when you're not at all in the mood and he is going to have to learn to be understanding at times when it's been a particularly rough day. You'll be just fine as long as you support each other.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

happyhusband0005 said:


> Honestly what you and your husband are going through is really more the rule than the exception for people who have been through what you have. If I could give advice directly to your husband it would be be patient, help out as much as possible, keep being romantic and don't take getting turned down personally. Having 2 babies is some crazy stuff. If I posted a picture of me from the time my youngest was a baby and a picture of me today 14 years later you would think I was younger in the picture today. We tend to forget what having little ones is like. It is tough and expecting everything to be like it was before the babies is the opposite end of the spectrum from realistic.
> 
> It took my wife and I a couple years to get back to a normal sex life after the youngest was born, today our sex life is better than it has ever been.
> 
> You have to approach it as a team, remember you're in it together. You might have to say yes every now and then even when you're not at all in the mood and he is going to have to learn to be understanding at times when it's been a particularly rough day. You'll be just fine as long as you support each other.


What kind of team do you think her husband is playing when she has to beg him to take the baby long enugh for her to shower?


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

IvyJane said:


> Perhaps it is just me, but your question about my job status feels loaded. I'll be honest: It is a joint decision between my husband and myself that I not work while pregnant due to the nature of my work and high risk status of our pregnancies. For what it's worth, I am currently instead investing this time into study via an online course to try and better myself and our future.


OK, I see you are tired from your responsibilities and put sex with your husband on the backburner. But then why are you taking time to take online classes? That seems to be adding to your burden. If you are that overwhelmed with child care and household responsibilities that you don't have the time and energy for basic marital relationships, how can you have the time and energy for additional schooling?

I would suggest that you make a list of the things you have to do in order of priority. Include sex/time with your husband on it. 
Most parents would probably put direct child care as number one.
Household chores? Some are non-negotiable. Others, not so much. Mrs. Wolfman would put sex above many chores--and she has. There's plenty of times we put off other things we "had" to do and instead spent time with each other/sex. 
I think making a list might help you put things in perspective. Maybe your counselor had you do this already? After you make your list, maybe reviewing it with your husband would be an opportunity to work on things. If he agrees with your top items, then maybe the two of you could be more flexible with each other on the lower priority items.


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