# I'm [39/m] concerned my marriage is failing she [38/f] may be having an an affair



## whosaidthrowaway (May 22, 2014)

Hi there, I was invited to post this here from my Reddit post which you can see here on /r/relationship_advice. I was told that you all might be able to help me with my issue in a bit more detail than perhaps on Reddit.

I've copied below my original post on reddit and if you would like even more information I have also been posting an awful lot on the Reddit page as well. 

The general agreement so far is that my wife might be cheating on me, but generally my relationship is very poor and possibly an emotionally abusive one, please help!



> My wife and I have recently celebrated our 15th wedding anniversary 4 days ago, which I would ordinarily think is a good thing however it has been the real trigger for a series of thoughts that have led me to write this post for some advice. I'll try to keep it short but it is quite long so I'll add a TLR at the bottom too.
> 
> During the majority of our marriage we have had our ups and downs but have always been close and had a healthy relationship with regular affection and sex. However, about 4 years ago we lost our house and my wife found that devastating but she seemed to have recovered by 1 year after. I have noticed that over the past year our sex life started declining quite rapidly so such a point that we have only had sex 4 times in the past 12 months whereas before it was at least twice a month (we have 2 children which doesn't help). In fact it is so bad we don't even have sex on "special" days including our most recent anniversary
> 
> ...


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

So my questions are:

Do you guys have any explanation as why she might be behaving this way?

Might be change of life.

Do you think she might be having a lesbian affair or am I being paranoid?

Not enough info but you might be right.

How do I deal with this?

Do more snooping.

What are my next steps

More snooping - stay cool

Even without the lesbian part is there something worth saving?

Hard to say at this point.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Why are you not going with her to her exercise classes, especially when she dresses up?

Why are you not going to these other events with her? 

She could get a babysitter if needed or spend less on the clothes.

does she keep her phone locked or other things hidden? 

Have you talked to her about your relationship?

(i hope this is not a troll)

Sorry you are in this mess.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Why do you think this is a lesbian affair ? It could also be a guy.

Do you have a spare GPS with you ?

What about her phone ? Is she always on the phone ? What model does she use ?


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Standard evidence post. Ill respond specifically in a bit. Time is short.

most important thing is to shut up and dont talk about it until you actually know what you are dealing with.

Your wife is acting funny. Her phone and email suddenly have passwords you don't know. She shuts down phone apps or changes windows on the computer whenever you enter the room. She is suddenly staying out until 2 to 5 in the morning. She has new single friends. She has lost weight and is dressing hotter to boot. Her ex contacted her 3 weeks ago and she wants “to meet to catch up at some public place” “I love you but not in love with you.” or version thereof. Any of this sound familiar? If your wife comes home from an alone time does she immediately change liners, change panties possibly even immediately laundering them?, shower? This can be an after the fact clean up. 

If you are reading this your gut is going crazy. “Relax”, in that there is a high liklihood that you are not crazy at least. “Your gut” is your basic instinct from the caveman period. There is something up with your mate. It is part of your mind built into you and in your DNA. You probably cant sleep. You are losing weight like crazy and are not hungry. Well if you are reading this and that is 90% of you reading this if its your first time... You are embarking on what is probably going to be the worst time of your life.

Chin up, yes I know it is damn near impossible to believe now, but I and the people at TAM here have taken dozens of men through this process. Some reconcile, most dont in the long run so be aware. Most of us hang around this grim grim place for a sense of “pay it forward” and “getting at the truth” Even in divorce, the long run the majority find love again... yes really. Often selecting a far far better future companion. Read poster BFF for a thread of disaster, divorce, recovery, and a new wonderful woman in his life. Younger and hotter, yes, but also one with better boundaries, often a far far better personality match. Oh and they get to go through that first time with her after the first I love you's have been exchanged. Just know, that for the majority, even if the marriage crashes, in six months, a year, maybe two you will wonder how you got so far so fast and how great your new life is. You will also be MUCH MUCH stronger as a person.

So. Here are your instructions. Do this now. I dont mean next week. I mean make something up within the next day and GET IT DONE! Not looking will only prolong your agony.
Rule 1 for this.
SHUT UP. Eyes open. YOUR mouth closed. confronting only makes them better at hiding. 
Rule 2 for this.
SHUT UP. Eyes open. YOUR mouth closed. confronting only makes them better at hiding. 
Rule 3 for this.
SHUT UP. Eyes open. YOUR mouth closed. confronting only makes them better at hiding. 

NO MORE CONFRONTS!! Play dumb husband for a bit. Dont drive her further underground! Soft confronts with little evidence RARELY WORK AND ONLY MAKE GETTING AT THE TRUTH HARDER!!! THIS PROLONGS YOUR AGONY! 

Buy 2 sony ICDPX312 or ICDPX333 voice activated recorders. Best Buy sells them for like 50 bucks. DO NOT BUY a cheap VAR. SONY SONY SONY. USE LITHIUM batteries. We have examples of 25 hour recordings using them on these sony recorders. My icon here IS a Sony ICDPX312. No I do not have stock in nor work for Sony.

Setup instructions are on page 19. Also good stuff on page 31.
Use 44K bit rate for balancing file size vs quality DO NOT USE 8K!!!!! Simply put. The higher the quality the better the sound and 8K sucks. ALSO. The higher the quality the more you can manipulate the mp3 in Audacity.
Set VOR "on" see page 38
See page 40 for adding memory if necessary
Play with it yourself to get familiar. TEST IT OUT 
Turn off the beep feature. Its on one of the menus. You can even play prevent defense by going to a dollar store, buying uber-cheapie earbuds, cut off the buds but put in the jack which will actually disable the speaker for additional protection.

Go to Walmart and buy heavy duty velcro.
This is one item: Velcro Heavy-Duty Hook and Loop Fastener VEK90117: Office : Walmart.com
also
Purchase VELCRO Hook and Loop Fasteners, Sticky-Back, for less at Walmart.com. Save money. Live better.
The velcro is usually in the fabric section or less often in the aisle with the fasteners like screws. The velcro pack is mostly blue with a yellow top. Clear pack shows the vecro color which is black or white. 

Use the velcro to attach the var under her seat UP INSIDE. SECURE IT WELL!!!!!! So well even a big bump wont knock it off. attach one side HD velcro from Walmart to back. USE BIG PIECE
attach other side HD velcro again UP INSIDE car seat. ATTACH THE CRAP out of it. It needs to stay put going over big potholes or railroad tracks.

Put the second VAR in whatever room she uses to talk in when you are not around. If you are a typical man, use your size advantage to put it someplace she cant reach, even on a chair. Beware spring cleaning season if she does it.

I recommend exporting the sound files to your comp. The recorder is very cumbersome for playback.

Amazon has a pen VAR that can be placed in a purse or other small place to get remote conversations. Yes the pen works.

IMPORTANT warning. If you hear another man and perhaps a little kissing or activity... STOP Listening and have a trusted friend listen and tell you what went on. Knowing she is a cheat will kill you. Hearing her moan while another man is inside her will murder you to your very soul!!!!!! You are not strong enough to hear that. Dont try it. I know what I am talking about in this.

If you need clean up the recordings get Audacity. Its free from the internet. I have used it on var work for others here to remove things like engine noise. If needed, I have done var work for four men here. RDMU is the only one who has released some of the confidentiality. 

Lets be very clear about what the VAR is for and is not for. It will not be court admissible evidence. It is not for the confrontation. IT IS TO GET YOU AHEAD OF THE AFFAIR so you can gain other real evidence by knowing the who and when. NEVER MENTION YOUR VAR EVIDENCE. As far as the cheater is concerned, they were seen by a PI or something NOT your VAR!! 

The ezoom GPS has been found to be easy to buy at Radio shack and useful. There is even a locator webpage you can track with. Amazon sells a semen detection kit called checkmate.

Look for a burner phone. This is a second phone from a prepay service just used for cheating communications. That is often why wives let the husband "see their phone" They don't use their main phone for cheating purposes.

There is an app out there called teensafe. Its for both Iphone and Android. It monitors texts, GPS and facebook. Needs no jailbreak. Not perfect and delayed but no jailbreak required.

Look for apps on her phone like words with friends. It has a non traceable texting feature.
Here is a list 25 Apps to Help You Cheat On Your Girlfriend | Complex

If he uses chrome or firefox, there is probably a list of saved passwords you can look at. Even if his email isn't saved there, people usually only use a couple of different passwords, so one from the list might work. 

For firefox it's Tools -> Options -> Security -> Saved Passwords

For Chrome it's the little box with three bars in the top right -> Settings - Show advanced settings -> Managed saved passwords

If paternity is in doubt, (gredit graywolf2) SNP Microarray: Unlike amniocentesis, a non-invasive prenatal paternity test does not require a needle inserted into the mother’s womb. The SNP microarray procedure uses new technology that involves preserving and analyzing the baby’s DNA found naturally in the mother’s bloodstream. The test is accurate, 99.9%, using a tiny quantity of DNA — as little as found in a single cell. 

Credit john1068 
Is her internet browsers set up to use Google as the default search engine? And does she use a gmail account? If so, she can delete here browser history all she wants, that only deletes the history that is localbin the browser itself...

On ANY computer, navigate to https://google.com/history. Log in using her gmail credentials and you'll have all history right there. Cant be deleted unless your wife logs in this same way...she'd only be deleting Chrome, IE, or Firefox history, not the Google history when deleting within the browser itself. 

There does not appear to be a function within the Android OS that allows the recall of deleted info as is found on IOS. However, even on Android, When a text is deleted, the OS simply "loses" the address to where it is on the memory chip, but it's still there. 

Go to your computer and navigate to Dr. Fone for Android @ Dr.Fone for Android - Android Phone & Tablet Data Recovery SoftwareAndroid Phone Data Recovery.

You can download a trial version if you're operating system is XP/Vista/Win 7/Win 8 all on either 32 or 64 bit.

Download the program to your computer, open it, connect the Android phone to the computer via the micro USB cable and follow the instructions on the Dr. Fone program. You can recover deleted SMS, MMS, photos (yes, this includes SnapChats), vids, and documents.

Not everything is recoverable because the operating system continues to overwrite the data so if you don't recover this data on a regular basis, you may miss some pieces...

But there are also many Android apps that store deleted files and texts, even some that allow you to download and HID the app (ex. ). 

They are also in her Spotlight Search...don't even need to connect to a computer. All deleted texts are still held onto. Type in the contact TELEPHONE number and every text, even the deleted ones, will show up in the search.

IOS 7 from any home screen put your finger in the middle of the screen and swipe downward. Enter the telephone number and start reading the hits.

IOS 6 from the first home screen, swipe left, enter the telephone number and start reading the hits. 

Credit rodphoto 01162014 
After researching the web for countless hours about software to find deleted messages on my wife's iphone I figured out this super easy method.

From the home screen swipe left to right until the spotlight page appears. Its a screen with the key board at bottom and a box at the top that says "search iphone" type your typical search words, anything sexual etc... All past messeges containing the search word will appear on a list, deleted or not. You'll only get the first line but that is usually enough. Just busted my wife again doing this a few days ago!

Rugs: swipe left on your first page of the main menu.

"spotlight search" under settings -> general -> spotlight search has to show "messages" as ticked. 

Right here, right now: Taking screenshots on iOS devices -> hold down home button and press sleep button. The screenshot will be placed under your photo album.

Also there is an app to "stitch" messages like a panoramic photo, but only for iPad. go to app store and search "stitch". Damn it's 4 am. i need to go to bed. 

Note that this applies only to Spotlight Search in IOS 6 and lower. For IOS 7 running on Iphone 4 and 5, put your finger in the middle of any of the home screens and swipe downward. 

Type in the search string you want (telephone number, contact name, keyword, etc) and it will search every instance in the iPhone where that appears. 

You may FIRST want to go into the Settings>General>Spotlight Search and then check or uncheck the areas that you want to search - make certain that "messages" and "mail" are CHECKED or else your search will not look into these areas. The same info is on the spot light on the ipad too ! If the settings isnt checked off, you can find all the same history! 

Credit tacoma 03072014

This Google search history page weightlifter mentioned here doesn't just record the search term it records everything spoken into Google Now by voice command. There is a text read out for everything spoken into the phone through Google Now and since Androids later versions have integrated Google Now right into the OS just about everything spoken into an Android phone is saved at https://google.com/history

Commands to call me, entire voice texts, everything said into the phone is right here. I don't even know how it could be deleted if you wanted to. Considering almost everyone has an Android phone and voice command is becoming more popular this is a nice tool for a BS. It even has every Google Maps/Navigator GPS search saved.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

The bottom line is that yes, there are more than enough red flags to suspect that she's cheating; and to have every right to covertly monitor her.

That's your next step. Educate yourself on the techniques and don't alert her to what you're doing.

Weightlifter's VAR advice has caught many a cheating spouse. In fact I hear he puts notches on his bed post. 

But in all seriousness, you should be concerned. If she's cheating, and I suspect she is, you can catch her if you play it smart.


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## happi_g_more2 (Jan 27, 2014)

You need to be digging deep now. Emails, facebook, gps her car, if she has a phone, you need to spend some time alone with it. You are now in stealth mode


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

You letting this go on for so long is going to be an issue now because you let this be the Norm for the house. So now when you start getting inquisitive if you're to aggressive it will stick out and look suspicious. 


I'm shocked you didn't look at her phone emails and online interactions already to be honest.. 

Personally I think one of those workout times is a fvck date plain and simple.. 

You need some evidence or just fvcking call her out on it if you think you can pull it off. 

Just confront her about the no sex and tell her you want therapy.. Maybe something will come out in session. 

Keep us posted..


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Look at your cell phone bills, is there a number called a great deal. are there a large number of text messages to the same number

Do you have her passwords to email, facebook?

I would put a var in the car, keylogger on the computer.

Does she have her phone locked and always in her hand?

There are a number of red flags, you should be concerned. Waking a kid at 5 in the morning so he could open presents before she go to the gym. Selfish and that is what cheaters are is Selfish. I would not sit down and talk with her. I would be doing a great deal of snooping.


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## Ripper (Apr 1, 2014)

1. Our relationship is non-existent.
2. She has had massive weight loss due to exercise.

In my experience, when these two issues manifest together, the odds of an affair goes right to 100%. Sorry man.

Other posters have given excellent advise on evidence gathering. Good luck.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Your wife is out of what for you is normal---so something is going on

start checking on her---as you have already been told what to do above

As to the way she is acting toward you---cheaters either make sure they keep things normal in their married home---so as not to arise suspicions----or ---they do not care what you think---as they in their own mind are planning on very possibly exiting the mge

You possibly could hire a PI---to see what she is doing at the gym------or you could kind of spy around the gym yourself----as to her GF's---you can keep an eye on them, or use a PI-----she is definitely doing something---cuz of her now new abnormal lifestyle---stay wary, and do your investigating----------if you indeed find out she is cheating---do not just go and confront---come her and get advice on how the confrontation should proceed, and what you need to do and say--------hang tuff


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

warlock07 said:


> Why do you think this is a lesbian affair ? It could also be a guy.
> 
> Do you have a spare GPS with you ?
> 
> What about her phone ? Is she always on the phone ? What model does she use ?


Yep. "Going to see the girls" has often been used as a cover. "The girls" might even be in on it and coached what to say if you call. I'd do a little covert reconnaissance on one of these trips to the girls' house.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Went through a very similar thing.

Here's what I did about it.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/27426-what-ive-learned-past-year-good-news-story.html


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

we have had several lesbian affairs. yankee99 and that guy from Europe wife massage come to mind. not hugely common but not unheard of.

more common is saying going to female friends house and friend covers for her. the friend is called a toxic friend.

really not enough to confront her with. if she has half a brain she will shoot you down hard if you go with what you have now. I gave intel gathering info on my previous post here. execute the plan.

bad memory.... notches on the bed post. bah. I get the betrayed wives to send their husbands balls and the betrayed husbands to send the balls of the OM. I plate them with zinc and sell the to pickup truck owners in the southeast US.


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## whosaidthrowaway (May 22, 2014)

Thank you so much for all of this great advice. It is certainly more than I had expected. I'm sorry I've not answered sooner but I've been with her since I posted this thread.

I already have access to her emails and facebook and I can easily obtain access to her phone. I've got a piece of software ready to look for deleted text messages as well.

It is very hard for me to follow her to her exercise classes as we have young children who cannot be left alone for any amount of time and any potential short term babysitters we have are her friends. This means essentially that when she goes out I am trapped with the children.

I do know that she does attend a large number of spinning classes however you may be right that 1 of them might be a cover for an illicit meet up, especially the longer hours classes (I have noticed she is actually less sweaty after them than the 45 minute classes)

I'm going to shut up for now and act like trusting, stupid, dumb but caring husband. The funny thing is she's been asking me over the last 24 hours I've been typing so much as I've been answering posts to this and private message Reddit. She's obviously very alert for changes in my behaviour which I find strange and might be her defense mechanism for me picking up on what she might be doing.

I do think it is more likely to be a lesbian affair as generally shes never shown much interest in men. For example she doesn't really fancy any movie or music stars. Whenever we have had a threesome she has never wanted another man, its always a women with us.

I'm going to read all of the links you've provided me too as I want to be as prepared as possible and I will also get some legal advice to prepare for the possible split about my rights as in this case I want the kids as I am far more of a parent to them than she ever is.

I'm going to try and follow her or place a listening device for one of those girls nights, she has another in a couple of weeks time. 

I'm really upset about this, but not I'm finally coming to my senses I am not going to let myself be steam rolled out of the way again. I will keep you updated as I go and thank you once again for the advice. Please keep asking any questions as I'll try to answer as soon as I can.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

Threesomes now....

_Please keep asking any questions as I'll try to answer as soon as I can._

Sure... Aren't you the one supposed to be asking questions?


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

The threesomes thing is a bombshell dropped as it sounds like a more regular thing the way it was broached. So you have an open relationship that was not eluded to earlier unless I missed something.

If you have time for threesomes someone must be watching the kids then, so why couldn't they watch them web you feel the need to follow as well?

If you are open to sharing her during a threesome, why the big issue sharing otherwise, as isn't sharing just that, sharing?

Are you afraid she is going to leave you for another woman?

Also if she is so into women, then following her would generally do no good, as she would have the opportunity to hook up in the locker room at the gym and you would still never know if following her.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

whosaidthrowaway said:


> My wife and I have recently celebrated our 15th wedding anniversary 4 days ago... it has been the real trigger for a series of thoughts that have led me to write this post for some advice....
> 
> During the majority of our marriage we have had our ups and downs but have always been close and had a healthy relationship with regular affection and sex. However, about 4 years ago we lost our house and my wife found that devastating but she seemed to have recovered by 1 year after.


This isn't the root of the problem, but it could have been under different circumstances, and it may have contributed in part to the planting the seed of your present troubles. Basically, whatever rank your wife assigned to you on the male totem pole of sexual attraction took a big hit on this occasion. No matter whose fault it was, she feels rightly or wrongly, consciously or subconsciously, that you failed in your duty to the family. 



whosaidthrowaway said:


> I have noticed that over the past year our sex life started declining quite rapidly so such a point that we have only had sex 4 times in the past 12 months whereas before it was at least twice a month (we have 2 children which doesn't help).


You have a "sexless marriage": less than ten times annually. So, one of you has no sexual attraction to the other.



whosaidthrowaway said:


> In fact it is so bad we don't even have sex on "special" days including our most recent anniversary
> This alone would have been concerning


No kidding. So, what happened when you started your seduction of your wife on your anniversary? How exactly did she deflect your advance?



whosaidthrowaway said:


> but I also noticed that we didn't seem to be kissing as much and that I was always the initiator of the kisses, additionally we were saying "I love you much" either and again I was mainly the initiator.


This is because it is basic human nature for the male to be the sexual instigator. It's why we have the term "womanizer", but not the equivalent "manizer." Woman will initiate occasionally if they have a great sexual attraction for the male.



whosaidthrowaway said:


> Now about the same time or soon after our sex life started to decline she started exercising which I thought was a really positive thing as for a long time she has really struggled with her weight hovering around the 18-20 UK size clothing, not that it stopped me from loving her at all as I love her, not just her body. However she has now gone down to a size 6-8 and is still concerned with losing weight which also has me so concerned as she looks so gaunt now.


I looked up UK women's sizes and 6-8 is about a 24-25 inch waist, which is pretty normal. In fact, it's about perfect since it works so well within 36-24-36. Which brings up a question:

Just how fat are _you_?



whosaidthrowaway said:


> Since she started exercising it has slowly turned into what seems to me like an addiction, she has to go to her exercise classes regardless of anything else. Example of this include waking my son up at 5am on his birthday so he could open his presents before she went to exercise, on my birthday cancelling the meal out and getting a takeaway so she could exercise in the evening and most recently she went exercising at 7am and 7pm on our wedding anniversary and ending going to bed early as she was too tired and had exercise at 7am the next morning.


This is nothing more than simply signaling to her family members that she has checked out and has no interest in their life as individuals or as a family. Very straightforward.

Which brings up the question: if she's always in the gym, who's watching your son when you go workout?



whosaidthrowaway said:


> Again this is concerning but it is not everything, I have also noticed that she has started spending a lot of money on exercise clothes including a nonstop stream of tops, leggings and even a £100 pair of trainers (money is tight in our house so this is VERY extravagant). Additionally, she tends to do her hair and spend a lot of time getting ready to go to class which has never been the norm, as previously it was always just chuck on some exercise clothes and run. Now I don't doubt that she is going to the classes as there is proof of that that I can see, but it is more what it might mean when she is there.


Women dress for other women at gyms, for the most part. Since she's feeling entitled to blow major dough on workout togs, that brings up the question: Who is the high earner, you or your wife?



whosaidthrowaway said:


> Next, I have noticed in the past 6-9 months that she is making extra special effort when she goes out over a couple of her female friends house, but not all of them. For example she doesn't normally trim down below often and tends only to do when she goes out with me and we might have sex however, she also does it when going over these 2 friends houses or out for a meal with them.


Trim or shave? Do these two friends co-habitate with each other or are they with men? 



whosaidthrowaway said:


> She tends to dress up as well as she does if I'm taking her out for a meal and is again unusual as for her other friends she normally just wears trousers and a top.


This sounds to me like they are heading out for GNO. How late does she party with these two? Is it only on weekends?



whosaidthrowaway said:


> Finally, I know that she does like women as she has in the past when drunk kissed, fiddled and even performed and received oral sex from a female friend that we no longer see.


Did you watch the show or was this rug munching done behind your back? 

Unlike men, most women have "sexual fluidity" and they are over twice as likely to have a sexual relationship with someone of the same sex as men are. The potential lesbian angle (which I highly doubt) is not functionally different than if she was having an affair with a man. What she is probably doing is going out and getting off on lots of attention from men who would have ignored her when she was fat. Then she's getting it on with them in the alley or at somebodies apartment. You need to find out exactly what is going on with who and where.

What do you know about these women?

Does your wife have a car or do you share a car?

What kind of phone does she have?

Now, despite what you were told on reddit, do not plan a big sit down discussion about the relationship. It's a huge whack to your male sex rank in her eyes and equates to wheedling for sex. Only low ranking, unworthy men who are not attractive to women do that and if you choose to wear those shoes, you can kiss your wife's rug, or bald spot, goodbye. Actually, it seems like it's already gone.

When women lose a lot of weight, they've usually already decided to make a change. Even if they aren't planning to dump the husband, most women who lose big weight end up hooking up with a new man. For example, 80% of women who have gastric bypass surgery end up divorced in two years. The 20% who don't divorce are the ones who were hot when they got with their husband and then gained fat. The other 80% never got the attention of higher ranking males before the fat loss. Understand?

Also, you doing all the domestic woman's work around your house makes you highly unattractive sexually to your wife.

Read this little article about the Male Socio-Sexual Hierarchy and tell me where you think you fit into it. I think I know, but I want your opinion.

Answer the above questions and I can make some more specific recommendations.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

whosaidthrowaway said:


> I do think it is more likely to be a lesbian affair as generally shes never shown much interest in men. For example she doesn't really fancy any movie or music stars. Whenever we have had a threesome she has never wanted another man, its always a women with us..


Threesomes, huh? Let me guess, she picks and you don't get to fook the guest kitty, am I right?


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

Squeakr said:


> The threesomes thing is a bombshell dropped as it sounds like a more regular thing the way it was broached. *So you have an open relationship that was not eluded to earlier unless I missed something*.


Maybe he just thought of it.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

Philat said:


> Maybe he just thought of it.


Could be, but doesn't a fact like that change some of the meaning of the red flags that may be thrown in a normal monogamous relationship?

It can be harder to give advice when a very pertinent fact like that is omitted?


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## happi_g_more2 (Jan 27, 2014)

so its only cheating if she sleeps with someone else when you are not in the room  Good luck with this one, "open" marriages have a super HIGH rate of success


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

A lot of details were shared in the opening post. But nothing about threesomes, which is surprising, since it's like, kind of important. Anyway, yes all of the information you shared points to your wife cheating. As Mach has guessed, I'm also picturing you as an overweight guy. There's a lot of pressure on a marriage when one is hotter than the other. My best friend lost his wife when she went from fat-all-her-life to bodybuilding champion. She cheated on him for years during the time she trained obsessively. Your post made me think of him. Except for the threesomes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

"The time has come," the Whosaid,
"To talk of many things: 
Of wives--and cheats--and Reddit threads--
Of threesomes--and starving--
And why the lake is boiling hot--
And why all trolls doth flee" 

Adaptation "Through the Looking-Glass", Lewis Carroll


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## TheFlood117 (Mar 24, 2013)

whosaidthrowaway said:


> Hi there, I was invited to post this here from my Reddit post which you can see here on /r/relationship_advice. I was told that you all might be able to help me with my issue in a bit more detail than perhaps on Reddit.
> 
> I've copied below my original post on reddit and if you would like even more information I have also been posting an awful lot on the Reddit page as well.
> 
> The general agreement so far is that my wife might be cheating on me, but generally my relationship is very poor and possibly an emotionally abusive one, please help!


Yep, I believe she is cheating on you. I've seen this before- fat insecure women start losing weight and getting more male attention, and because they're so insecure about themselves to begin withn they basically let their "hair down" (more like they're panties) and start banging lots of guys. 

I work with a guy that this happened to. My pal had a wife who had been overweight for about 7 or so years, about half their marriage. Well, she lost about 40 pounds or so, slimmed down and starting fvckin' around. I think she had 3 maybe more other dudes on the side. 


They're divorced now. He's pretty happy and dating a smokin' hot 30 year old (he's 43). It took him a year or so before he was able to cope with the cheating and divorce, but he's doing well. 


So.... There is hope. 


But just prepare yourself for the worse. 

In my opinion I think she's cheating. That is JUST MY opinion tho. 


Good luck.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

whosaidthrowaway said:


> I do think it is more likely to be a lesbian affair as generally shes never shown much interest in men. For example she doesn't really fancy any movie or music stars. Whenever we have had a threesome she has never wanted another man, its always a women with us.


 I think what's happened here is you have become the fifth wheel and she now has someone else being her primary lover. 

When you bring another person in your bedroom, be it man or woman, your running the risk of problems in your marriage. Sometimes it works but in most cases it doesn't, then the damage is done and in a lot of cases can't be repaired. 

Think it's time that you start taking charge of the family because as of now, she treating you as a after thought and that ain't good. Your now her baby sitter and nothing more.


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

6301 said:


> I think what's happened here is you have become the fifth wheel and she now has someone else being her primary lover.
> 
> When you bring another person in your bedroom, be it man or woman, your running the risk of problems in your marriage. Sometimes it works but in most cases it doesn't, then the damage is done and in a lot of cases can't be repaired.
> 
> Think it's time that you start taking charge of the family because as of now, she treating you as a after thought and that ain't good. Your now her baby sitter and nothing more.


Yep. A man who shares his wife with others is perceived by her as being weak. Weak is unattractive to your wife, whether subconsciously or not.


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

harrybrown said:


> Why are you not going with her to her exercise classes, especially when she dresses up?
> 
> Why are you not going to these other events with her?
> 
> ...


Good points, Harry!!!! OP, either get in this relationship, or get out of it. It sounds like you don't have much going for you in the marriage department. Sounds like she's moving on.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

It sounds like you are the live in babysitter and bill payer.

Take your balls back and start going to the gym.

The same gym.

She can stay home or get a babysitter......

Do not tell her the first time you do this.

Her reaction will be interesting.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

happyman64 said:


> It sounds like you are the live in babysitter and bill payer.
> 
> Take your balls back and start going to the gym.
> 
> ...


*Happy is right! It appears that you have become her "Plan B." And she's just leaving you at home to be the caretaker! 

The obvious alienation of affection means that you're not doing it for her any more, greatly provided that you ever did for her at some past point in time. 

The sexual grooming thing, I feel, is mildly insignificant because so many people seem to be doing it for whatever reason; but if she is sexually active with a new partner, it is certainly plausible that she's probably doing it to make herself even more sexually palatable and appealing to them! 

Either she is into women, or she could possibly be using them as a front to meet and see other men!

But in any event, you need to stay in an investigatory mode, checking cell-phone/texting records, and placing VARS in certain locations, and quite possibly a keylogger onto her computer.

Just play it cool, calculating and "dumb as a fox!" But do not confront until you have a hand of cards to play that is as close to a "full house" or a "royal flush!"*


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

No one else has doubts about this story?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I know UK sizes, so with that level of weight loss it could be anorexia and/or depression.

Has she been checked by her GP? And early menopause is not out of the question.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

See_Listen_Love said:


> No one else has doubts about this story?


The fact that OP has disappeared when told he's of an age to grow gonads is even more typical than his story; which is very typical and very believable, especially to those of us who work in the so-called "fitness industry."


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> I know UK sizes, so with that level of weight loss it could be anorexia and/or depression.
> 
> Has she been checked by her GP? And early menopause is not out of the question.


A 24" waist is not anorexia, it's pretty typical of a woman with 20% body fat and little muscle; think busty VS model.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

See_Listen_Love said:


> No one else has doubts about this story?


I'm waiting for the dwarves and circus clowns before I express doubt.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Not a clown but close.


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