# was blindsided



## tkdan (Dec 2, 2008)

My wife just admitted to having an emotional affair. At first I thought I would be ok with it sense it did not become physical. Now I'm having great difficulty with it. I cannot just put it behind us and move forward. We have our appointment with the marriage counselor this evening and we are going to get it out on the table with him. We are having so much to deal with already in trying to work things out I do not know what this is going to do to the progress we've made so far.


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## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

tkdan said:


> My wife just admitted to having an emotional affair. At first I thought I would be ok with it sense it did not become physical. Now I'm having great difficulty with it. I cannot just put it behind us and move forward. We have our appointment with the marriage counselor this evening and we are going to get it out on the table with him. We are having so much to deal with already in trying to work things out I do not know what this is going to do to the progress we've made so far.


She is owning up to her mistakes and being honest with you. Yes, I am sure it hurts, but it is an important step. She is telling you what happened and not lying.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

I have been in your shoes so I understand how you must be feeling. Keep in mind, an emotional affair usually starts because a spouse is not getting their emotional needs met within the marriage. You probably know better than anyone that this was probably the case when you were drinking. She had a need to feel loved and appreciated for who she is and she found a listening ear which probably made her feel special. 

She wants your marriage to work. She is being open and honest with you. She is giving you the opportunity to be there for her emotionally. This is actually an open invitation for you to be the one who is patient, understanding and wanting to show your love for her. Don't lose it with her or she may get defensive and/or shut down.

What I needed to do was to really understand how he got to the point of an EA and my role in our marriage at the time...the key is all of the progress you are making now, the changes and refocus...she wanted you to be giving her what the EA gave her but you were not available...now you are. You really need to think this one through because if you cannot forgive her, it will be difficult going forward.


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## tkdan (Dec 2, 2008)

Yeah I know I do appriciate that she was willing to be honest. It also tells me that she is serious about working things out with us. I does hurt more than I ever thought something like this could hurt. I did not know why until I read that many times this affects a spouse the same as a physical affair. I'm glad we are going to start addressing it today. It does not change my commitment to doing anything I can to make the marriage work. It is more like another bump in the road.


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## tkdan (Dec 2, 2008)

> if you cannot forgive her, it will be difficult going forward.


I truly do want to be able to forgive her. I feel bad about having to address it because it has caused her a lot of pain because of the guilt involved. I'm not going to lose it this is one reason I asked to do it at the counselors office to keep it under control.


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## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

tkdan said:


> I truly do want to be able to forgive her. I feel bad about having to address it because it has caused her a lot of pain because of the guilt involved. I'm not going to lose it this is one reason I asked to do it at the counselors office to keep it under control.


:iagree: Talking about this at the counselors office is a good idea.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

tkdan said:


> I truly do want to be able to forgive her. I feel bad about having to address it because it has caused her a lot of pain because of the guilt involved. I'm not going to lose it this is one reason I asked to do it at the counselors office to keep it under control.


good thought. i think the main value of a counselor is to provide a safe haven for things to be said. just make sure you don't use it to "throw bombs." that can be damaging. still think through whatever reaction you may have.


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## tkdan (Dec 2, 2008)

Good advice all! Thanks you guys do not know what a blessing coming here and being able to share does for me.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

*prepare yourself*

Your wife will dribble out more of the story over time. prepare yourself for the eventuality of her admitting the affair turned physical.

Going to the marriage counselor will help her to trust that she can say it. 

Hang in there.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

swedish said:


> I have been in your shoes so I understand how you must be feeling. Keep in mind, an emotional affair usually starts because a spouse is not getting their emotional needs met within the marriage. You probably know better than anyone that this was probably the case when you were drinking. She had a need to feel loved and appreciated for who she is and she found a listening ear which probably made her feel special.


I’ve been here too. That she has admitted what this is is a great step forward. She had recognized what the relationship was and hopefully how damaging it was to her relationship with you. You are just at the beginning of the journey and there will be emotional upheaval ahead for you both. Stay steady in your changes and help her with hers. Mutual support is what is needed now. With time forgiveness will come but don’t expect it to come in a flash. As I’ve said many times on the forum, marriages don’t get into this kind of condition overnight. They won’t recover that quickly either. Hang tough, it does get better it just takes effort, time and faith. Good luck.


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## tkdan (Dec 2, 2008)

Thanks, having a bit of a tough time right now. Being bombarded with emotions right now. I hope the counselor has some words of comfort in all of this. I plan on staying the coarse and working as hard as ever, this is just causing me a lot of pain at the moment. I'm not sure how to process it all. I've suppressed my emotions for so many years that I'm not sure how to deal with them now that they are out.


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