# Turned Out EA was a PA



## hrtbrkn73 (May 5, 2014)

It took the VAR to get the evidence that I needed. OMG the hurt...the soul crushing hurt.We had a marriage that I thought was going to be forever. We had the perfect marriage. He lied so much about every tiny little thing and now all that has come to be true. This is going on a year since I first suspected. 
I threw him out last night. I also got his girlfriend fired from her job today as well. Still doesn't fix the deep ache.
My blood pressure and heart rate sky rocketed this morning so bad I got scared. Managed to get it down some.
I am absolutely so numb. Their conversations play in my head over and over again. He told her he loved her and that he didn't want me to think that he did all this because of her. He wants me to think he did this because of me. There were times when I questioned my findings because he always denied them. I had that slightest bit of hope that our marriage would survive.
Now I sit here alone and my soul is crushed.
I know what I have to do to get ready for the end. I also know that I have become disabled in the last several years so I depend on his medical coverage. I have to face reality until I can get in the position to officially end all of this. 
I know one thing for sure is she will never benefit from anything that we shared in our marriage.
And the saddest part is ....I still love him from so far deep within me. Don't know what to think,what to feel or what to do.
I can't bear the deep heartache.
I am pretty sure he is with her since I threw him out. That in itself there are no words for.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*So sorry to see you here at TAM, m'dear! But you couldn't have chosen a better place to come to. And rest assured that you're now in the midst of others who have trudged down that same road that you're travelling on now! You'll have company. And just as our words and experiences may bring you some small level of comfort, hopefully your presence will come to aid some other hurting soul in the future.

Please feel free to expound on your situation as you may see fit to.I feel so very sorry for you, but rest assured that you're among friends now!

God bless you! You will remain foremost in all of our prayers!*


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## Blacksmith01 (Aug 12, 2013)

I am so sorry that you are here and that you are now a paid in full member of a club but no one wants to join. I will tell you though that in time all of it becomes manageable and you will get through this just like so many others have thanks to the help of the people on this forum.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Get your sh!t together girl. If your old man heard what I just heard you haven't a chance.

See the goal here is to be strong and confident. your additude must show him that you can and will move on with out his @ss.

The only way to get him to think twice in what he is lossing is by smiling at him wishing him the best and just let him go.

Start making the affair as inconvienent and as uncomfortable as possible by exposing, start the 180, and go dark.

If you want him to second guess his choices then eliminate you as a choice....folks want what they cant have.

Soon his new chick will see that he is her problem now and he will come crawling back. 

Please just let him go...it might save your marriage!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

hrtbrkn73 said:


> It took the VAR to get the evidence that I needed. OMG the hurt...the soul crushing hurt.We had a marriage that I thought was going to be forever. We had the perfect marriage. He lied so much about every tiny little thing and now all that has come to be true. This is going on a year since I first suspected.
> I threw him out last night. I also got his girlfriend fired from her job today as well. Still doesn't fix the deep ache.
> My blood pressure and heart rate sky rocketed this morning so bad I got scared. Managed to get it down some.
> I am absolutely so numb. Their conversations play in my head over and over again. He told her he loved her and that he didn't want me to think that he did all this because of her. He wants me to think he did this because of me. There were times when I questioned my findings because he always denied them. I had that slightest bit of hope that our marriage would survive.
> ...


You are amongst friends.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Sorry you're hurting. I know the pain is deep and stifling. But you do have a chance to save this marriage. The chance may be slim, but at least it gives you the best chance possible. 

But to do this you have to act with resolve and it is probably counter-intuitive. 

You HAVE to inform the other woman's husband. Don't let your H know any of your plans. It's best to say nothing to him. I know you'll be tempted - but don't do it. Not until/unless he comes to you with a full apology and a sincere effort at reconciliation. 

If you can manage to find any other relatives for the OW - expose to them too. Expose to your H's relatives - ask them to speak to your H about what he's doing. 

Expose to your adult children too. Don't tell these people you're going to divorce him - just tell them you'd appreciate them expressing their feeling about the situation. How he's damaging his family and the OW's too. 

Then, see the toughest lawyer you can find - don't go cheap - go tough-as-nails. See what you're entitled too and seek it. 

Don't have "friendly" chats with your H. Tell him you're serious about having a real, loving, and lasting relationship with him but you won't be anyone's second fiddle.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

so sorry that you are hurting so bad.

It is good that you have the truth from the VAR.

It gets you out of limbo land. All of this is horrible, but I do hope you have a good attorney. Your attorney should help to get you coverage and alimony. 

Hope for you to have better days ahead.


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## X-B (Jul 25, 2013)

I hate that you are going through this. I know how you feel. Our stories are kind of similar. You can get through this difficult time in your life. Just know you eventually feel better.


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## sandals (May 8, 2014)

I am so sorry to hear this. In a similar situation too and I get what you are saying about the pain from still loving him. Do you want to R? If yes, you've had good advice here on the 180 and letting go. For me, I don't think I can, the demonizing and manipulation were too much. But I am still having a hard time saying D to him. So I get it. But I also believe that our dreams and hearts will have many years to be full again and that there is light ahead. Hang in there, love yourself and do what you need to recover, whether that's therapy, friends, family or all of those.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## martyc47 (Oct 20, 2011)

It sucks and it hurts, but by kicking him out and exposing her, you are off to a better start than 99% of people who post here. His cheating says nothing about you and everything about him, and you are strong enough and capable to get through this.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

More info helps us help you. What are your ages ? Do you have children ? How long have you been married ? Details of the AP that you know. etc.

Sorry that you are here.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

So sorry for what you are going through. The man in the coming days will have the best of both worlds. Your need to R will be strong indeed and there will be all kinds of sob stories from him.

I urge you to be strong and start detaching.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

You will continue to have his med insurance---till you D----you can also request as part of the D settlement, that he continue to cover you medically, for a period of time, at least until you can get yourself going

As for loving him----he is not at this present time the man you fell in love with---that person died, when the A began----you are now with a person, who cares nothing for you------

You need to heal yourself---and prepare to join the real world, just as if the H who loved you and who you loved----passed away


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## hrtbrkn73 (May 5, 2014)

I haven't been able to get on this site in a few days. The pain has been unbearable. 
We have talked alot and spent time together this weekend. It was like it used to be.
I had posted on here earlier this month about the whole situation but here it is in a nutshell.
We have been married for 7 years this September. We have been together 9 years. We were best friends when we first met. about 8 months into our friendship we fell in love. Our friendship became stronger than that.
Our marriage was everyone elses dream. People envied us. We were so happy, we never fought or disagreed. Our marriage was easy, came easy, we never had to struggle to make it work it just did. About 2 years ago he said I changed. I did. I have developed some medical issues that has prevented me from working. Depression did set in for me and the feeling of uselessness overwhelmed me. But I still continued to be a wife and a friend. One of his construction jobs became a nightmare from hell. He would come home so angry and stressed that i could not be strong for both of us. So our bond was broken.
It was about a year ago that I had my suspicions, accused him of it and he denied it. I would find the lipstick soda cans and the hickies and the lipstick on his shirts. all of course denied and he made me believe i was crazy.
We have 3 grown children and even some grandbabies so we are by ourselves. We both have kids from previous marriages.
When I never believed the lies I put the VAR in his truck. And that was when I heard it.
I have since had her removed from that job.
I know what I need to hear from him is different from what he is saying. I believe I have more gung ho about me to work on our marriage than he does at this moment. 
i can honestly say that he still does love me just by his actions. He has never been abusive or cruel..til it came to the lying games and even then it was just denial.
Anyway, I know we have enough of that love that we had to recover from this. I have always been a strong woman and I have overcome some hell in my life. I am 41. I am not allowing this to beat me or end my marriage. I do know my limits though to what I can take. There is a long brutal road ahead of me. I don't know exactly how to handle it but day by day I will be a stronger person out of this.
Divorce is not an option for me. Don't get me wrong I am a survivor. I am not scared to start over again as i have so many times before. I have not a job or income but I have a very loving family that will help me get there. 
I know we will never be the same. I am hoping we will be better. i know I am going to have hard days and the bearable days. I know my days will not be easy. There will be a day where i will be at peace with my decision to hang on to "us".
I appreciate you taking the time to read my entry. It is nice to have somewhere to come to where there are friends. 
Forgive me if I haven't answered all the questions that was asked of me I will get to them, I just needed to go ahead and get my feeling at the moment out there.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

hrtbrkn73 said:


> Divorce is not an option for me.


I'm sorry for what you're going through. But until you change your mindset about divorce, your husband will have no motivation to change.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

So sorry you have joined the club nobody wants to be a part of. If you are looking for your husband to fight for the marriage. He will not while you are not on the offensive.

If you want to save a marriage he has to believe you will end it. Do the kids know about what he has done? I am betting a big no! Tell the kids tell your friends and file for divorce

Get into IC for your self. Try to be strong I know it is hard


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## hrtbrkn73 (May 5, 2014)

Our kids know and so do all four of our parents because I told them. His best friend knows, his boss knows because I told them. He knows he has hurt me and he is ashamed, things ya'll have heard before. I am looking into counseling through my insurance. We are so financially strapped one missed day of work is two weeks worth of groceries.
i am working on this one minute and one day at a time. 
Believe me he does know my frustration and pain.


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## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

the guy said:


> Get your sh!t together girl. If your old man heard what I just heard you haven't a chance.
> 
> See the goal here is to be strong and confident. your additude must show him that you can and will move on with out his @ss.
> 
> ...


To a degree :iagree:.
If he sees you crumble he has the option of "putting all right".................until next bit of skirt that takes his eye.

You need to really work on channeling thats hurt into ways of making him (and her) think that youve dropped him dead. Its hard, no one here will say otherwise. However, by turning everything a 180 degree he'll be off balance. 
In a way turning this around will help you emotionally cope. 
Dont be available, dont take calls even if you want to talk to him make him call at another time. If he wants to meet up to talk. Agree, but you say where and when. If he cant do it - leave it with him. He'll expect, because hes been with you this long to claim to know how youll handle this. Dont be that predictable. By taking control, as youve already started to (getting the OW sacked .. nice move) Then it pours pressure on their love nest. And then youll see what they are both made of.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

hopefully your husband is one of the truly ashamed and repentant.

it sounds like he is.

if he is there is hope.

when we cheat, we are cowards and have forsaken our manhood.

and we should act like it.


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