# Help me break this damaging cycle called "affair."



## tigger01 (Oct 12, 2011)

I have had my husband on this emotional rollercoaster for the past 18 months. And no, it has not been an easy 18 months for me, either. You may laugh at that statement, but for anyone who has been involved in an affair - whether emotional or physical - and for anyone who KNOWS/KNEW that what they are/were doing is wrong, it IS NOT EASY!! Sadly, it's not even the guilt as much as it is the sadness. The everyday sadness. An affair definitely messes with your mind. It causes you to question everything that your life is about, and it makes you long for something other than "your" life. You basically feel trapped. You were married in the Catholic Church; therefore, divorce is not an easy option. Yet, you feel like you want a different life; an independent life.

I have a husband who is a wonderful man and provider. He cares for me deeply and would do anything for me. I have a "friend" from my past who I hardly know, and the little that I do know is not that impressive. Yet, he does something for me that is so confusingly insane! What is the attraction and why can't I let go?

My husband knows that this person exists and that he periodically consumes my thoughts, but that is the extent of what he knows. Whether he suspects anything else, I do not know. What I do know is that he continues to tell me, "I wish you would just run off with this other person, because I can't live like this anymore." He feels lonely, while I feel sad and confused.

Back to this "friend." The thing that I don't understand about me is WHY I continue to let him get to me. He's very aggressive with his emailing one week, but then he entirely withdraws the next. He tells me he broke up with his girlfriend, but the minute I start to ask questions regarding that breakup, he tells me that he still has feelings for her. He's clearly a bad apple, but why can't I let go? Why can't I turn my back on him, and open my eyes to the wonderful person that is my husband?

If there are others out there who have gone (or are going) through this, please share your story with me. And ... although I'm sure it'll be harsh in nature ... please (any of you) give me some advice, insight, etc.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Why don't you enlist your husband to help you filter this threat out of your life?

Change emails, forward the old account to your husband, let him filter what you need you to see.

Consider yourself and addict and have him help.


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## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

I would make every effort to remove any communication this OM has with you, NC letter might be good too. Out of sight out of mind. 
Now I have not had an A but I would believe that it is best for you to actually tell your self NO when you start thinking about him and train your self to put thoughts else where. 
Eventually you won't even think about the guy. I wish you the best of luck and hope that you can patch things up with your husband. Give him your full thoughts and attention as well. If your H is on you mind well you can not think about two things at once.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Why don't you enlist your husband to help you filter this threat out of your life?
> 
> Change emails, forward the old account to your husband, let him filter what you need you to see.
> 
> Consider yourself and addict and have him help.


:iagree:

If you KNOW its wrong why don't do you the above.
You don't know why you continue to let him get to you?

You like the attention. You know it's wrong but you continue to give him access via email.

Do as Shaggy says as a start : change e-mail. Very simple first step.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

Ever heard the phrase "feelings are fickle"? Think about it. I believe the advice above is sound but I will be honest and a bit harsh. You do not deserve your husband.

The hurt you have caused is permanent. It does not matter if you correct it now because the damage is done. You can have a nice life together but there will be times when a trigger comes (a song, a place, anything that you may have shared with the OM) and you will be back with him emotionally and your husband will know. He will silently grieve because what else can he do. 

He loves you. You were the one he waited for. You are the one he committed to. You are the one he wanted to share his future with. From now on your "friend" will always be lingering and your husband gets to share you with him. How special.

By the way stop with the pining over the idiots lack of conviction to you. He knows exactly what he is doing. Right now he knows he can have you anytime he wants. To him this is all a game. To your husband what was sacred has been lost forever.


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