# Need help/advice!



## Papmers123 (Sep 25, 2013)

Hello, this is my first time posting on a forum, but I need some help and insight. Little back story, I'm 32 same with husband, and before we got married we talked about having kids and we talked about 2 (he said 3 once, but never agreed on a number just that we wanted kids) so in my mind I had us having at least two. We have a great loving marriage, (he is the love of my life) we had our daughter 19 months ago. It was only about two weeks after we had her my husband said he was done, he only wanted the one. I was shocked but thought it was b/c she was a handful and cried almost non-stop until she was 9 months old (we think she had colic) and being first time parents we were very overwhelmed, now my daughter is almost 20 month old and is walking and talking and I'm really want to have another one, but my husband does not. 
Again I love my husband more than anything but I feel lost because he keeps saying isn’t our daughter enough and I just don’t want her to be an only child. This is the first time we haven’t been able to come to a compromise, and he keeps saying he is opened minded to having another one, but what he is opened minded to is me changing my mind and realizing we only need one.

I do see the benefits of having just one, but in my heart of hearts I don’t want her to be an only child, but I don’t want to break up a loving home b/c I have this deep desire for another baby which I will never get. Any advice or help would be greatly appreciated! 
all my GF are having their 2nd and 3rd kid and I hate to say it but it cant help but feel jealous and envious. 
Thx


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## Moulin (Jul 30, 2013)

There's no hurry to have children back to back. She's only 19 months old - give all of you some time to think it all over and plan. 

Is it really the worst thing in the world to 'only' have one child? Many couples would love to have even one child, never mind several. It seems short-sighted to consider breaking up a family because he's unwilling to have another child.


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## Papmers123 (Sep 25, 2013)

Moulin said:


> There's no hurry to have children back to back. She's only 19 months old - give all of you some time to think it all over and plan.
> 
> Is it really the worst thing in the world to 'only' have one child? Many couples would love to have even one child, never mind several. It seems short-sighted to consider breaking up a family because he's unwilling to have another child.


oh no I agree, don’t get me wrong I love my family, I am just very torn b/c I don’t want my D to be an only child. and I know my husband when he says he’s done, HE'S done. And no I don’t want to break up our family, but the alternative is me having this "hole" feeling and that’s not fair in my mind either. I have just been reading a lot about moms who might be in the same boat and wanted to know ultimately what they did. (I guess that is more or less what I'm asking)


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

Guy here. Before you got married, if he had said he wanted only one child, would you have moved on? It seems to me that changing from wanting two to only one is a huge difference. Was he an only child? 

Does he get involved with your daughter? Some guys really aren't into the baby experience that much. That could be influencing his feelings at this point.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Moulin said:


> It seems short-sighted to consider breaking up a family because he's unwilling to have another child.


:iagree:

If he won't budge and you really want to have more kids, then you could divorce him if you want for another baby is that strong...


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## Papmers123 (Sep 25, 2013)

VermisciousKnid said:


> Guy here. Before you got married, if he had said he wanted only one child, would you have moved on? It seems to me that changing from wanting two to only one is a huge difference. Was he an only child?
> 
> Does he get involved with your daughter? Some guys really aren't into the baby experience that much. That could be influencing his feelings at this point.


 No he is the eldest of 3, he has two younger sisters all 2 yrs apart. When my D was a baby he did step back from helping because she cried so much (I hate to make him sound bad) but he couldn’t take it. and I don’t blame him for that, it got on my nerves to, but I just have more patients, I guess. He basically just says that having more than one kid will make things harder and complicate the flow we have now. I just don’t understand how he cant want a son, that’s what everyone keeps saying to me and its getting harder and harder to keep saying to people oh no we are waiting. I know its no ones business but ours, but I feel the same way that I want another one, so I feel like a B*ThC when I say oh no its not me.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Papmers123 said:


> I just don’t understand how he cant want a son, that’s what everyone keeps saying to me and its getting harder and harder to keep saying to people oh no we are waiting.


Huh? What can't you understand about it? He's laid his case out for you. It sounds like you do understand but you don't accept his response/position.

As for it getting "harder and harder" to tel people you are waiting--you are right--it ISN'T anyone else's business. Don't take it to heart. Also, your friends may be having 2nd and 3rd kids but having children isn't a competition.

If this becomes a Major Deal for you, then again, you may consider leaving him if your desire for more children trumps your desire for your marriage.

And I am not trying to sound offensive at all, just being a realist.


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## Moulin (Jul 30, 2013)

It sounds like he's trying to be reasonable, honestly. He found that being a parent isn't all sunshine and rainbows and that he really doesn't particularly feel comfortable in doing it again.

I'm an only child - it's not so bad. 

So, it comes down to what is more important to you. A happy marriage with a happy, healthy child or having another child?

Is it really that terrible if you have 'only' one child? (FWIW, there is no right or wrong answer, only the one you feel).


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Before marriage, my ex wife and I agreed on having three kids. After our second, we had a boy and a girl, I did not want any more kids. She pushed and pushed, and badgered and nagged for two years until I finally gave in and we had our third child. There were many reasons why we divorced, but her blatant disregard for my feelings on such a huge issue through that time period built up so much resentment in me. Looking back on it 12 years later, that was the point of no return for me, the marriage was dead at that point, it just took 11 more years to legally end.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

This is unfortunately one of those issues where there really is no compromise. You either want a kid or you don't. You can't have a part-time kid, you know?

I would pose this question to you though. If you did decide to leave your husband, how would you have another baby in the time frame you want? It's going to be rough dating with a toddler, just from a free time perspective. Plus it would be at minimum a couple of years before you could meet someone, date, get married and get pregnant. I have a friend that had both of her kids on her own. Used a sperm donor and IVF. She was positive that she wanted motherhood more than anything and as time went on, was less and less willing to wait for Mr. Right Who Wanted Kids ASAP Too. However, that takes a lot of resources to pull off.


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

Papmers123 said:


> No he is the eldest of 3, he has two younger sisters all 2 yrs apart. When my D was a baby he did step back from helping because she cried so much (I hate to make him sound bad) but he couldn’t take it. and I don’t blame him for that, it got on my nerves to, but I just have more patients, I guess. He basically just says that having more than one kid will make things harder and complicate the flow we have now. I just don’t understand how he cant want a son, that’s what everyone keeps saying to me and its getting harder and harder to keep saying to people oh no we are waiting. I know its no ones business but ours, but I feel the same way that I want another one, so I feel like a B*ThC when I say oh no its not me.


I can relate to having a difficult baby. My daughter, who is the middle child, had horrible colic. She cried inconsolably from 5pm until 9pm until the age of 6 months. After that, she was merely difficult. If she had been our first, she might have been our last as well. Our third was an oops! She's out of high school now and is a very accomplished young lady. 

All I can say is that it got better and we now look at that period as a bump in the road. Also, when you have a family, you think of having babies, but they're only that way for a short time. You have children for your whole life.


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## Papmers123 (Sep 25, 2013)

COGypsy said:


> This is unfortunately one of those issues where there really is no compromise. You either want a kid or you don't. You can't have a part-time kid, you know?
> 
> I would pose this question to you though. If you did decide to leave your husband, how would you have another baby in the time frame you want? It's going to be rough dating with a toddler, just from a free time perspective. Plus it would be at minimum a couple of years before you could meet someone, date, get married and get pregnant. I have a friend that had both of her kids on her own. Used a sperm donor and IVF. She was positive that she wanted motherhood more than anything and as time went on, was less and less willing to wait for Mr. Right Who Wanted Kids ASAP Too. However, that takes a lot of resources to pull off.


 Funny enough I was talking with my mom about this last night and she said that if this is something I really want than I do have a choice; and I said the same thing I posed this same scenario to her. And she was like oh well yeah that does make sense and I don’t want to have to go through breaking up a marriage because how big of an a**H**e would I be for having to tell my daughter, oh mommy broke up your family because I didn’t want you to be an only child! 
And there is no way we will have an ops baby and nor do I want that, I want my husband to agree; b/c I agree that is the only way it will work without us fighting and could ultimately end our marriage because one of us did not want it.
I guess that is what is hurting more than anything. I do respect his wishes for an only child, but I also wish he could stop looking at the here and now and see into the future for our daughter. B/c god forbid something happen to my husband and I and she is left alone and/or once we get older, she is going to have to take care of us on her own. My husband says well I have two siblings, whom I don’t really get along with, and I said yes but you still have them to help you in the future. Where is our daughter will not. I might be crazy.. lol… but these are the scenario that go through my head all the time.


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## Papmers123 (Sep 25, 2013)

VermisciousKnid said:


> I can relate to having a difficult baby. My daughter, who is the middle child, had horrible colic. She cried inconsolably from 5pm until 9pm until the age of 6 months. After that, she was merely difficult. If she had been our first, she might have been our last as well. Our third was an oops! She's out of high school now and is a very accomplished young lady.
> 
> All I can say is that it got better and we now look at that period as a bump in the road. Also, when you have a family, you think of having babies, but they're only that way for a short time. You have children for your whole life.


and I said the same thing to my H, if our D didn’t have colic and was a "good" baby, would we even be having this issue. and he said to be honest I don’t know, and I keep telling him every baby is different and he keeps saying yea it could be worst. Such the optimist he is. Haha


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

samyeagar said:


> She pushed and pushed, and badgered and nagged for two years until I finally gave in and we had our third child.


I think this is her plan as well except he's gone so far as to cut back on sex for fear of an ooops.

This is her 2nd thread on this topic - other one is in the parenting section.


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