# My husband is having an affair and I don't think I have the right to stop it



## ohre (May 13, 2017)

We have been married for 3 years. Before we married my husband was a classic man-***** player into his 30's. He had one serious relationship before we met, which lasted 10-12 months. After that he went back to sleeping around for a few months, then wanted to settle down. He was 34 and wanted to settle down, get married, have kids. I think he settled for me because I was the first thing that came along. That is the part of this that is my fault. I knew who he was and what he was when I married him. 

Then comes the other issue, our sex life sucks and pretty much always has. And it’s my fault. So I took a man who I know has a high emphasis on sex knowing we’d have problems with sex. 

I have no feeling “down there”, so physically there is nothing enjoyable (or not) about sex. I can barely tell what is going on unless I can feel the pressure. No pleasure, no pain. Certain positions I cannot tell at all whether he is in me or not. I still do it and try to fake it but that isn’t something I have ever been good at. He (and every other man I’ve been with) doesn’t enjoy it because I’m not enjoying it. 

I enjoy having sex because I like the closeness (of certain positions) and I like it feeling good for him. I get the same thing from sex that I would from cuddling, basically. I’m better at oral, because that is all I’ve ever had to work with. We’ve got to the point that where my husband doesn’t want to put in effort anymore. It’s not like a lot of effort is needed, my pleasure isn’t a factor, just acknowledge my existence. Sex now just makes me feel worthless. Which maybe is to be expected. 

It ended my first marriage. It’s ending my second marriage, and it ruined relationships in-between the two marriages. It’s my fault, I shouldn’t have been with him in the first place. Or anyone else. I knew that, I was warned about that, I had no business being with any man. 

I have wondered about cheating for a long time. I didn’t look into it because I didn’t want to know. 4 weeks ago my husband left his phone in bed after he woke up and had notifications. He had 3 texts in a row and I looked at his phone, the texts where from another woman saying she missed him and couldn’t wait until the weekend. Coincidentally my husband “went” down to the campgrounds with his friends for the weekend. I sat at home crying all weekend. Now whenever my husband is late coming home, goes out or doesn’t text or call me back right away I break down and start crying and hyperventilate. He doesn’t know that I know. 

I don’t think I have any right to stop it. I knew who I was marrying. I knew what I was bringing to the table. He wanted someone to settle down with and I was the first person that would take him. I knew no man would want to be with me and took the first one that would. I feel like now I just have to suck it up and deal with it, or divorce and stop trying to be with someone.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

THIS.

A new twist...not quite a twist.

Rather, a Stitch in the nick of time. In the notch, before time runs out.

A stitch or series of stitches.

Go to a gynecological surgeon. Have him tighten you up down there.

This is [from what I understand} a somewhat common surgery for women after childbirth. By tightening up the vaginal opening you can then feel some of the slimmer Porsche Turbo Chargers on the meat market.

Also, see if it is possible to "readjust" your clitoris closer [down] nearer the vagina. This, so that Mr Penis can bump into it easier. Is this possible, is this an option?...dunno. 

On second thought, it seems to me, that sewing closed the vagina only at the bottom will block off this part, forcing the penis up and closer to the Ecstasy Clitland Mall. And tightening it at the same time.

I am an Engineer..I can fix anything....yeah right!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Wow, you are hard on yourself.

Have you been to a doctor about this? What do they say?

Your husband knew about your issues with sex before he married you, right? He made the decision to marry you while knowing exactly what he was getting into.

With men like him, they would cheat on any woman that they are with. It does not matter if his wife likes sex, or is the hottest woman sexually. Some guys are just man-*****s, and like being like that.

You have all the right in the world to demand that your husband stop cheating. If he does not, then you need to move on. You can find a man who has a lower need for sex, maybe you need to look for an asexual man. There are even dating sites for people who are asexual. So find someone who is sexually compatible with you. Marriage always goes a lot better when there is sexual compatibility.

Look at the link in my signature block below for the 180. This is how you need to be interacting with your husband until he agrees to end the affair(s) and agrees to work on fixing your marriage. And if he never agrees with that, then leave him.

And please go see a counselor to deal with your low self esteem.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

A couple of things to consider.

If you are OK with him finding sex outside of marriage, then talk to him and "open" the marriage. Agree to rules, etc. That way it isn't cheating, but something you both agree with.

Did he know about your lack of enjoyment of sex before you were dating, or did he think you enjoyed it? 

Do you know why you get no pleasure from sex? I assume you get none from masturbation or vibrators either? Is it a medical / physical issue? It seems that if you could find a way to fix this, a lot of problems would be solved. 

It is certainly not true that "no man would want you". If you read thread here you will find many posts by women who's husbands have basically no interest in sex. Sex is NOT important to all men, but it is very important to many. Maybe you and your husband are just very badly mismatched. 

I wish information about sexual mismatches was taught. It a source of a huge amount of misery because people don't understand how important sexual compatibility is to a marriage.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

On the affair....

You are not responsible, he dropped the ball.

The bad-medicine ball that was in his pants when they hit the floor of deceit.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

SunCMars said:


> THIS.
> 
> A new twist...not quite a twist.
> 
> ...


*I have to agree with Sun that your problem seems pretty physiological! 

Seriously, you should try to see your GYN about referral to a good GYN surgeon. They can definitely do wonders with helping you reestablish "feelings" down in that region!*


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## ohre (May 13, 2017)

I have seen 8 specialists. I either get told that they don't know, they put a generic term on it or get referred to someone else. I have gone through every test, biopsy, ultrasound, MRI, tried various hormone treatments, medications, creams. Been told it's from low blood sugar, which was ruled out. Been told it was MS, been ruled out. Told it was psychological, ruled out. Tried various exercises, massage, physical therapy, herbal options, a controversial option. I had two surgeries done, one made it worse and one didn't do anything. It is not a tightness issue. It started when I was 22, after I had my first child with my ex-husband. There was a lot of problems and complications during that delivery and things never went back to normal. I had a surgery before my first husband divorced me to try and help, it made it worse. 

I didn't tell him right away but my husband knew about it before we married. He thought it'd be fine because I still would have sex with him whenever he wanted. I'm probably boring to him. If I did a 180 like that I don't think we'd have anything left. It's like trying to sabotage our marriage. 

I don't _want_ him to get sex outside our marriage, but I don't think there is really much of a choice. Sex is important and I'm not good enough. I was stupid to get married again. I still don't want to lose my husband.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

Your post broke my heart. To me, the glaring issue isn't your husband, or your Sex life but your lack of self esteem. Man you are so freakin hard on yourself. You deserve love, you deserve respect, you deserve happiness. You will never find this if you don't love yourself. Seriously, you need therapy.

I know someone who has such low self esteem that she doesn't think she is worthy of love so she would actually date and be with men who wouldn't treat her good because she didn't think she deserved to be treated good. And when they treated her bad, she would make excuses about it. She felt like she should be happy with the little she got.

You sound like this to me. You are creating your own personal hell that is going to mess you up and take every scrape of self worth you have left. Don't degrade yourself to a worthless victim.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Do you enjoy sex with your husband even if you don't find it physically pleasurable?

Did your husband know before you were in a committed relationship? For some people marriage isn't the dividing line, so much as mutual deep love.

This is a very difficult situation. You should not have sex that you don't enjoy, but he should not have to go the rest of his life without experiencing the joy of sex with a passionate partner. I don't see a good solution. 







ohre said:


> I have seen 8 specialists. I either get told that they don't know, they put a generic term on it or get referred to someone else. I have gone through every test, biopsy, ultrasound, MRI, tried various hormone treatments, medications, creams. Been told it's from low blood sugar, which was ruled out. Been told it was MS, been ruled out. Told it was psychological, ruled out. Tried various exercises, massage, physical therapy, herbal options, a controversial option. I had two surgeries done, one made it worse and one didn't do anything. It is not a tightness issue. It started when I was 22, after I had my first child with my ex-husband. There was a lot of problems and complications during that delivery and things never went back to normal. I had a surgery before my first husband divorced me to try and help, it made it worse.
> 
> I didn't tell him right away but my husband knew about it before we married. He thought it'd be fine because I still would have sex with him whenever he wanted. I'm probably boring to him. If I did a 180 like that I don't think we'd have anything left. It's like trying to sabotage our marriage.
> 
> I don't _want_ him to get sex outside our marriage, but I don't think there is really much of a choice. Sex is important and I'm not good enough. I was stupid to get married again. I still don't want to lose my husband.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

Why aren't you going to confront him about the affair? It seems you are willing to stay married to him regardless of his affair, lack of love and respect for you. 
Why do you want to stay married to someone who cheats on you.


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## ohre (May 13, 2017)

I was in therapy for 6 years after a doctor decided my lack of sensation was psychological. It was ruled out fairly quickly but I stayed in it. Something that I have no control over and have tried everything to fix, keeps ruining every relationship I've gone into. My husband hasn't otherwise treated me poorly. I don't seek out men to treat me badly. 

I enjoy having sex with my husband because I like the intimacy. I like the closeness, skin to skin contact, I like the way he (use to) acts towards me during, I like that it feels good for him. He has been intimate with a lot of women and if we didn't do that I'd feel less than or like tons of women were closer to him than me. That isn't why I have sex with him, I do because of the other reasons I said. It's more why I don't want to stop. 

I told my husband about it after we were engaged. He proposed unexpectedly or I think I would have told him before. We didn't really have a serious talk about our future before he proposed. 

It feels like history is repeating itself. My ex-husband and I were married for 3 years. When we divorced our daughter was 2. Now with my husband we have been married for 3 years, 2 months shy of the length of my first marriage, and our daughter is 2. I don't want to repeat it all again. I want it to work out this time.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Sounds like nerve damage. Did they have to cut on you during the delivery?


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

Why don't you confront your husband about the cheating?


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

Sorry you are here, but it is not your fault that he is cheating and it is not something you have to live with.

You need to confront him about this, and stand up for yourself. By you not saying anything you are letting him be in the arms of other women, and with that you will lose him anyway if he falls in love with someone else.


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## ohre (May 13, 2017)

I had a 4th degree tear and an episiotomy. My problems are a combination of being in active labour for 4 days, pushing for 4.5 hours, a 10.5lb baby who got stuck, I refused an episiotomy which may or may not have contributed to the tear, when my daughters head came out the cord was wrapped around her neck and the pressure on the cord was affecting her, the doctor did a quick (horribly done) episiotomy that made the nurses shudder, she was basically ripped out of me and her shoulder was stuck to I tore further and my tailbone was fractured. The doctor spent almost 2 hours stitching everything back up, wasn't done well and had to be redone. I had an infection from taking so long to heal, needed another surgery to clean it out and fix the rest of the tear. It took a year to fully heal and stop being in constant pain. Another couple years for the nerve pain to totally stop. The loss of feeling was gradual. 

I haven't confronted him because I don't know what to say, or do. I don't want him to admit it and for it to feel more real. I don't want him to leave. A good sex life is lacking for him and if I want him to stay with me he has to get that from somewhere else. I don't know what is worse, sucking it up and dealing with it or going through the exact same thing I went through.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I'm so sorry about your injuries during childbirth. This happened after you were married, so I see it as covered under the "for better or for worse" so it gives him no excuse to cheat. 

If this can't be healed, can you provide him with other types of sexual activity - say oral - not as a chore, but as a "gift" to a man you love. At the same time he should do everything he can for the wife he loves.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

@ohre
You've been dealt a bad hand ,for sure, I feel for you. I'd say sort out how you want to proceed and confront him.Call him out then Talk it out and see what his excuses are. You don't owe him anything, but he definitely owed you honesty, and should have at least given you a heads up before he wandered. You can be fairly sure your condition didn't cause him to do this, he was going to no matter what. He will also use your condition as an excuse now that you've busted him. If you can deal with being the plan B maid then open up the marriage , but be forewarned ,that seldom works unless both husband and wife are fully onboard. Unfortunately a leopard doesn't change his spots and it seems you already realize that.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

When you say down there, do you differentiate between your labia, clitoris, and vagina? It is important to you, and perhaps useful to this conversation.

Do you know the difference between those anatomical structures? Have you explored them?

It is my opinion "down there" is much too vague.

I don't think your husband should have had an affair, but I do think finding out more about your condition would be useful.


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## ohre (May 13, 2017)

WilliamM said:


> When you say down there, do you differentiate between your labia, clitoris, and vagina? It is important to you, and perhaps useful to this conversation.
> 
> Do you know the difference between those anatomical structures? Have you explored them?
> 
> ...


I do differentiate between the different parts, I'm very familiar with all of the parts of my body. It just seemed to TMI to post exactly what I do or don't feel. It's not something that I talk to people about (other than doctors) and feels very awkward for me to talk about.


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## ohre (May 13, 2017)

uhtred said:


> I'm so sorry about your injuries during childbirth. This happened after you were married, so I see it as covered under the "for better or for worse" so it gives him no excuse to cheat.
> 
> If this can't be healed, can you provide him with other types of sexual activity - say oral - not as a chore, but as a "gift" to a man you love. At the same time he should do everything he can for the wife he loves.


The traumatic birth happened during my first marriage, this is my second marriage. My current/second husband knew about it before we married, but after we got engaged. He always had an inkling something was wrong but didn't really know what it was. He thought I was just tough to please or had some sort of sexual hangup. 

I met my 1st husband in ’96, when I was 15. 
I married my 1st husband in 2002, at 21. 
I had my 1st daughter with my ex-husband in 2003, at 22.
Following that child birth is when my sexual problems started
I divorced my 1st husband in 2005 (sex being the main reason), at 24. 
I started dating again in 2009, at 28.
I met my 2nd husband in 2012, at 31 - he was 34. 
I married my 2nd husband in 2013, we had been together for 16 months, engaged 2 months
We had a daughter together in 2015, via planned c-section so things didn't get any worse - if that's possible

So he knew about it before we married, but not until we were engaged. We were only engaged for 2 months before we married. He didn't have a ton of time to change his mind, maybe he would had if we had a longer engagement.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Your husband would be cheating no matter how great sex at home may or may not be. Players rarely give up being players long term. He's bored with married life, not you. He wasn't cut out for marriage and probably never should have in the first place. He has never been able to hold down a long term relationship. This is not your fault, you aren't the cause of his infidelity. 

You need to confront him otherwise this will just fester in you and become more and more unhealthy for you. You deserve so much better than this.


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Wow, you are hard on yourself.
> 
> Have you been to a doctor about this? What do they say?
> 
> ...


agreed Ele


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

uhtred said:


> A couple of things to consider.
> 
> If you are OK with him finding sex outside of marriage, then talk to him and "open" the marriage. Agree to rules, etc. That way it isn't cheating, but something you both agree with.
> 
> ...


She's getting cheated on and you suggest 'open marriage' ? No to the fvcking hell. And BTW, going outside the marriage is always cheating. It comes down to whether it's tolerated cheating or not In open marriages, it is tolerated cheatin but adultery is adultery period


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

uhtred said:


> Do you enjoy sex with your husband even if you don't find it physically pleasurable?
> 
> Did your husband know before you were in a committed relationship? For some people marriage isn't the dividing line, so much as mutual deep love.
> 
> This is a very difficult situation. You should not have sex that you don't enjoy, but he should not have to go the rest of his life without experiencing the joy of sex with a passionate partner. I don't see a good solution.


he should have figured this out before he got married


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

In a later post she said that he found out after they were engaged but before they were married. 

Different people view engagement differently. How much he knew before or to what extent he understood the issue isn't clear. 

Its a bad situation, not blaming anyone. 



wmn1 said:


> he should have figured this out before he got married


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Consider the options:

He goes without sex for the rest of his life. 

He has sex with a partner who can't enjoy it

He has sex outside of the marriage with her agreement

They divorce.


These options all suck. Which is the least bad depends on the feelings of those involved. I don't blame anyone for how they ended up in this situation, its just a question of what is the best option from where they are now. 







wmn1 said:


> She's getting cheated on and you suggest 'open marriage' ? No to the fvcking hell. And BTW, going outside the marriage is always cheating. It comes down to whether it's tolerated cheating or not In open marriages, it is tolerated cheatin but adultery is adultery period


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

ohre said:


> We have been married for 3 years. Before we married my husband was a classic man-***** player into his 30's. He had one serious relationship before we met, which lasted 10-12 months. After that he went back to sleeping around for a few months, then wanted to settle down. He was 34 and wanted to settle down, get married, have kids. I think he settled for me because I was the first thing that came along. That is the part of this that is my fault. I knew who he was and what he was when I married him.
> 
> Then comes the other issue, our sex life sucks and pretty much always has. And it’s my fault. So I took a man who I know has a high emphasis on sex knowing we’d have problems with sex.
> 
> ...


Why do you place so little value on yourself and blame yourself for his adultery?
If there is a problem, a good H would talk to you and then both of you would go and see a sex therapist and work through it together.
You current problems do not justify him stepping out on you, that is a ****ty thing to do.



Go and see a sex therapist for your issues, it is somewhat unfair to your H if you are not into sex
Come up with a plan to solve this issue you have
Go see a lawyer to see what your rights are
Did you keep the evidence?
Is the OW married (inform her H or BF)
Confront your WH with the evidence and suggest a separation.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

The reason I ask about specifics is two fold. This forum is pretty much all about TMI, and there may be some corollary to others, depending on the answer.

My wife has almost no feelings in her vagina, for instance. She only vaguely feels penetration during vaginal sex. She's always been that way, though. It was not something which changed after childbirth. I would think a woman like her could be labeled as having no feelings down there if a man only wanted to have vaginal sex with her. 

In my wife's case her clitoris is sensitive, although from my limited experience my wife is quite a bit less sensitive than other women. 

If a woman where like my wife, for instance, and a man where not quite attentive to discovering her sexual thoughts and physically stimulating her just right, I could see how he would think she doesn't have any feelings.


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

uhtred said:


> Consider the options:
> 
> He goes without sex for the rest of his life.
> 
> ...


divorce amicably IMO


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

honcho said:


> Your husband would be cheating no matter how great sex at home may or may not be. Players rarely give up being players long term. He's bored with married life, not you. He wasn't cut out for marriage and probably never should have in the first place. He has never been able to hold down a long term relationship. This is not your fault, you aren't the cause of his infidelity.
> 
> You need to confront him otherwise this will just fester in you and become more and more unhealthy for you. You deserve so much better than this.


Last I remember, there is some little line in the marriage vows that says something like "IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH". Your husband does not deserve you. I would ask him if when he develops ED if its OK for you to start banging other men. i think i know what his answer might be.


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

Sorry you are here my Lady. 

You are to hard on yourself. This is not your fault. Your Husband is full of himself. Men like him Cheat no matter what. Even if you are the best Wife,Mother in the World he will Cheat. 
You and your Kids deserve a lot better. 

I would say you still like sex and enjoy it. You write you like closeness during sex. Well a lot of us like it too,belive it or not . 

What about foreplay ? Good sex is not only sticking your P in and out.

Stay strong.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I think you have a chain of logic here that is basically dysfunctional: I have this sexual issue and I should have known better than to marry a man like him - a player - because he would naturally want to go outside the marriage and I would be stuck.

Instead of following your logic, try something different: Marriage is about 'in sickness and in health, for better or worse, forsaking all others.' He knew that going in, just as you did. The reason you are 'stuck' now is that you know that he is being a dog, but you are still emotionally attached, so you can't bring yourself to confront and make the hard decision. You decide that the pain of staying with him, knowing what he is doing, is less than the pain of leaving your M.

I think the logic you brought to this thread is essentially 'stinkin' thinkin'.' Take a deep breath and try to reevaluate from a more realistic and healthier perspective. This would better inform your next decisions, in my opinion.


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## ohre (May 13, 2017)

WilliamM said:


> The reason I ask about specifics is two fold. This forum is pretty much all about TMI, and there may be some corollary to others, depending on the answer.
> 
> My wife has almost no feelings in her vagina, for instance. She only vaguely feels penetration during vaginal sex. She's always been that way, though. It was not something which changed after childbirth. I would think a woman like her could be labeled as having no feelings down there if a man only wanted to have vaginal sex with her.
> 
> ...


It feels very awkward for me to say any of this...

During vaginal penetration I feel nothing. Sometimes I can't tell if he's in or not, and size isn't a problem. I either feel nothing at all or pressure/stretching feeling. No pleasure or pain, unless he hits my cervix. Twice since we've been together I had pleasure in the same position both times, but we've never been able to recreate that. Rhythm is really hard for me because I can barely feel what is going on. Faking it (he knows but still likes it) is a bit hard as well. It isn't a tightness issue because he has no problems and has said it's one of the tightest he's "been in". He wasn't lying because he has no filter, just spews things out. I can't remember why he said it but he decided he needed to let me know that "based on his experience the outside/vulva of mine is average/most common type, no offence". I wouldn't have taken offence if he didn't say "no offence".

With my clitoris, it just hurts... Or if it decides not to hurt that day, I can feel it being touched but no pleasure at all. The only pleasure that I can experience is pretty mild and it's from putting a very strong, large in diameter vibrator above my clitoris, which targets the area under it. I can't orgasm from it but maybe 50% of the time it feels okay. 

My husband doesn't (well didn't use to) just stick it in and go. He spent a lot of time trying to get me into it, kissing and touching me everywhere, talking to me, trying to get my mind into it first. Since my issues started over a decade ago I've orgasmed 3 or 4 times. Not with my husband, and I barely noticed. The man I was with had to point it out.


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## ohre (May 13, 2017)

straightshooter said:


> Last I remember, there is some little line in the marriage vows that says something like "IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH". Your husband does not deserve you. I would ask him if when he develops ED if its OK for you to start banging other men. i think i know what his answer might be.


To be honest... I don't think he'd care. He doesn't have the same view on sex that I do. It's just sex to him, it's hard to explain. I can see him wanting to participate in finding someone for me to hook up with (in that situation) rather than saying no.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Well, writing to these forums I have remembered things I had not thought about in many years. My wife used to fake orgasms, back in the '70's of last century. You know, ancient history. That always left a harsh scar, but one of her statements during our fights came back to me the other day. She explained it was like what she called method acting. She explained that some actors will get so deeply involved in a part they essentially become the character. She was doing that.

My wife had many issues. After I learned the problems she had I came to appreciate all she went through for me better than when we were fighting, or when I was crushing her spirit with my anger. Luckily for me, Mary hung in there and kept trying.

After a while Mary was able, with a lot of therapy, to get over some of her issues. Enough so she now enjoys sex quite a bit. Thank God. 

But her idea was that she could go on acting all our lives if she needed to. That would work for her. I was the one who refused to let that work. And I have to say she was getting to be an extremely good actress. And, furthermore, what she did for me was done with love. 

You may have nerve damage. You may have psychological issues. The nerve damage possibility is just too sad to contemplate, so I prefer to think it is curable via therapy. But maybe as long as what you choose to do is not painful you can become a great actress. In the end life is but a stage, and we are all actors. It just seems to me it should work. 

You deserve to be loved. Remember that.


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## ohre (May 13, 2017)

WilliamM said:


> Well, writing to these forums I have remembered things I had not thought about in many years. My wife used to fake orgasms, back in the '70's of last century. You know, ancient history. That always left a harsh scar, but one of her statements during our fights came back to me the other day. She explained it was like what she called method acting. She explained that some actors will get so deeply involved in a part they essentially become the character. She was doing that.
> 
> My wife had many issues. After I learned the problems she had I came to appreciate all she went through for me better than when we were fighting, or when I was crushing her spirit with my anger. Luckily for me, Mary hung in there and kept trying.
> 
> ...


The problem is that my husband is not happy with my faking it. He didn't always care, but now he does. I'm not good at faking it, unfortunately. I'm not winning any awards on my performance. The other men I have been with were of the same opinion. My first husband hated it the most. I didn't find anything wrong with faking, I was still enjoying it just not in the way that was perceived. I want whoever I'm with to be happy. 

I have been to sex therapy and spent a lot of time there. I tried everything they suggested and things that I didn't think I would ever try. I learned some things that helped, but also learned that there is nothing psychological about it. I wish there were, I feel like that would at least have a starting point and be fixable.


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## ohre (May 13, 2017)

alte Dame said:


> I think you have a chain of logic here that is basically dysfunctional: I have this sexual issue and I should have known better than to marry a man like him - a player - because he would naturally want to go outside the marriage and I would be stuck.
> 
> Instead of following your logic, try something different: Marriage is about 'in sickness and in health, for better or worse, forsaking all others.' He knew that going in, just as you did. The reason you are 'stuck' now is that you know that he is being a dog, but you are still emotionally attached, so you can't bring yourself to confront and make the hard decision. You decide that the pain of staying with him, knowing what he is doing, is less than the pain of leaving your M.
> 
> I think the logic you brought to this thread is essentially 'stinkin' thinkin'.' Take a deep breath and try to reevaluate from a more realistic and healthier perspective. This would better inform your next decisions, in my opinion.


I feel like this is my last chance at being with someone. Two kids from two failed marriages from the same problem that isn't going anywhere. I can't keep trying with someone new and have them walk away for the same reason, over and over. I want a marriage and to be happy and give at least one of my kids a proper family.


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## ohre (May 13, 2017)

Be smart said:


> Sorry you are here my Lady.
> 
> You are to hard on yourself. This is not your fault. Your Husband is full of himself. Men like him Cheat no matter what. Even if you are the best Wife,Mother in the World he will Cheat.
> You and your Kids deserve a lot better.
> ...


Saying things like men like him cheat regardless or he was going to cheat no matter what I did should make me feel a bit better but I think it makes me feel worse. For choosing him, being stupid enough to marry him. Thinking he would hold up to his word and be different and faithful. Trusting him to be a good husband, father and step-father. Choosing him to be my husband, child's father, child's step father. 

I don't hate sex, I do like it in my own way. Before my issues started I enjoyed sex like a normal person. We use to have a lot of foreplay and my husband worked to try and get me to have a good time. I hate saying it because it makes me think of how he became that way, but he is good in the bedroom. He didn't ignore me or rush things, I can tell he knows what he is doing. I still didn't get any pleasure out of it but enjoyed it. That's stopped now, I'm assuming because he's getting it elsewhere....


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## ohre (May 13, 2017)

aine said:


> Why do you place so little value on yourself and blame yourself for his adultery?
> If there is a problem, a good H would talk to you and then both of you would go and see a sex therapist and work through it together.
> You current problems do not justify him stepping out on you, that is a ****ty thing to do.
> 
> ...


Because I feel like if I could give him a good sex life like however other hundred women have then he wouldn't need it elsewhere. I feel like I'd already be competing with lord knows how many women, being "bad" at sex makes it worse. I feel like if he's slept with 100 women I'm probably the worst and of course he'd want to find better. It's true that he knew about my sex problems before we got married, but so did I. 

I have been to sex therapy, I went for a long time and tried a lot of different things. I learned some thing that help a bit but nothing that fixed it, being a physical issue. My husband would probably go if I wanted him to, but it seems like a waste of time and money at this point, having already done it all and then some. 

I have a screenshot of the texts and her number. I don't know her name or anything else, he had her listed under a fake name (name of a business). One of the 'requirements' that I had before we married was that he had to delete all the _ladies_ (not the word I want to use) numbers from his contact lists. I guess that's a way to hide it... 

I don't know how to confront him, I don't like confrontation. I want the best possible outcome and I don't know if that exists...


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## ohre (May 13, 2017)

uhtred said:


> Consider the options:
> 
> He goes without sex for the rest of his life.
> 
> ...


I hate all of the options... I know if I offered him an open marriage he'd jump at the opportunity. Then he'd realize that it's hurting me and want to stop, get frustrated about our sex life, be unhappy for a while, then divorce. That's what it feels like, anyway.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

ohre said:


> The problem is that my husband is not happy with my faking it. He didn't always care, but now he does. I'm not good at faking it, unfortunately. I'm not winning any awards on my performance. The other men I have been with were of the same opinion. My first husband hated it the most. I didn't find anything wrong with faking, I was still enjoying it just not in the way that was perceived. I want whoever I'm with to be happy.
> 
> I have been to sex therapy and spent a lot of time there. I tried everything they suggested and things that I didn't think I would ever try. I learned some things that helped, but also learned that there is nothing psychological about it. I wish there were, I feel like that would at least have a starting point and be fixable.


My wife came out of the other side of the fire I put her through and her problem was psychological. She still has many issues, but she is adequately mended.

I believe if I had discovered her problems were physical I would have accepted her acting. I cannot verify that. Surely there must be someone who could accept. We so sublimely accept the fake scenes we see in the movies, surely we can accept your acting, given lovingly.

Please, be well, somehow.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

You did not cause him to cheat. He got married with knowledge of your condition, and vowed to be faithful. No matter how bad the marriage ended up being, he's still the one breaking a vow. He's still the one destroying the foundation of trust that the marriage should be based upon. His cheating was HIS choice.

That said, you can't stop his affair. That's still his choice.

Frankly, though it's hard, the best thing to do would be to divorce him. He's a liar, you can't trust him, and he's not good marriage material. He's being extremely disrespectful to the woman he vowed to protect and cherish.

Then, once you've recovered your aplomb and life is stable again, take the lessons learned into your next relationship. Engage in a lot of premarital sex until you know you've found someone compatible. Don't get married in a rush again. You may want to consider an open marriage of some form, if you could still be comfortable with that. You and your partner could enjoy all the intimacy you are capable of, and he could still seek whatever else he feels is missing.

Trying to open a relationship that has already had the trust shattered would be a hurtful exercise in futility.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

ohre said:


> I had a 4th degree tear and an episiotomy. My problems are a combination of being in active labour for 4 days, pushing for 4.5 hours, a 10.5lb baby who got stuck, I refused an episiotomy which may or may not have contributed to the tear, when my daughters head came out the cord was wrapped around her neck and the pressure on the cord was affecting her, the doctor did a quick (horribly done) episiotomy that made the nurses shudder, she was basically ripped out of me and her shoulder was stuck to I tore further and my tailbone was fractured. The doctor spent almost 2 hours stitching everything back up, wasn't done well and had to be redone. I had an infection from taking so long to heal, needed another surgery to clean it out and fix the rest of the tear. It took a year to fully heal and stop being in constant pain. Another couple years for the nerve pain to totally stop. The loss of feeling was gradual.
> 
> I haven't confronted him because I don't know what to say, or do. I don't want him to admit it and for it to feel more real. I don't want him to leave. A good sex life is lacking for him and if I want him to stay with me he has to get that from somewhere else. I don't know what is worse, sucking it up and dealing with it or going through the exact same thing I went through.


Best Law Firms for Medical Malpractice Law - Plaintiffs

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Medical_malpractice_in_the_United_States

I hope these links are of use to you, if you might have a case for medical negligence.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Ohre, did it ever occur to you that psychologically you chose a player so that when he cheated, it would confirm your poor self image?

We see it here from time to time. People have what appears to be a decent life, then they sabotage it because they lack the self worth to be content. Then, when it all falls apart, they feel like they got what they deserved because they loathe themselves.

Give it some thought.

And FTR, nobody deserves to be cheated upon. YOU DO NOT DESERVE THIS. Please look in the mirror and tell that to yourself before bed and when you first wake up. You have value. You have worth. You even have much sexual worth if you would stop comparing yourself to someone who has not experienced what you have.

Hell...I got rejected by my wife for sex last night, and it has been just over three weeks since we last connected. Tonight isn't looking so hot, either. How often did you reject his advances? It doesn't sound like it was often to me. I would argue that a willing and enthusiastic sexual partner who can't climax beats an unenthusiastic partner that can climax easily. At least you want to connect with him.

Your life immediately begins to get better when you start to love yourself.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

This is really tough. 

Could it work for you to do sexual things for him - because you love him. Not pretending that you physically enjoy it, but just doing it as a "gift" - and in return find something he can do for you so that things don't seem to unbalanced? 

In another post you said this felt like your last chance, but I don't think it is. There are men who don't care much about sex - see the posts here form women who's partners never want sex. There are men who would be compatible. I think though that it will always be a struggle with a many with typical or high libido.

I don't think the path you are on now is a good one. If he is turning to cheating to get sex, I don't see that the marriage can last. Bad as they are, either open, or divorce seem like better options.

You can't enjoy normal sex due to nerve damage, but can you enjoy other erotic stimulation? Some women find other things to be erotic, have you explored that?






ohre said:


> I hate all of the options... I know if I offered him an open marriage he'd jump at the opportunity. Then he'd realize that it's hurting me and want to stop, get frustrated about our sex life, be unhappy for a while, then divorce. That's what it feels like, anyway.


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## ohre (May 13, 2017)

I asked my husband and he said he would enjoy an open marriage and thinks it would be better for us. He wants it to be totally open on both sides but he knows I have no use to sleep with another man. It's probably a last ditch effort to save my marriage. He wants to come up with rules that we both agree on and have to follow. I don't want to think about him with another woman. I don't know how I will compare to a better woman and still have him come home to me. He says he will still be intimate with me, but will get what I can't give him from someone else. I don't want to lose him to someone else. Or have him knock someone up. But it's either this or I'm done and give up. I don't know what kind of rules to want or how to be okay with it...


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Understand that sex floods our system with a cocktail of happy, bonding, hormones. If he is having sex with other women you are risking him bonding to one or more of them.

Also understand that birth control is NOT 100%. Believe me, I know. My oldest is a Pill baby and my middle kid is a condom baby. 

Additionally, condoms DO NOT protect against diseases like HPV, genital herpes, or genital warts. Anything spread skin to skin can still be transmitted . That's why it's called safER sex.

Before you agree to this make sure you really know what you're agreeing to.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

MJJEAN said:


> Before you agree to this make sure you really know what you're agreeing to.


To ohre: I am afraid MJJEAN is aware you cannot know what you are agreeing to. All you can know is you feel trapped.

I wish you could find the happiness you deserve. We can never know if out there in the unknown there is what we need. I'm afraid what you need is not what you have.

Somehow, hold on to yourself. I do think you could do better. But what can any of us know of another.


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## DallasCowboyFan (Nov 20, 2012)

Get your testosterone checked. If you have no feeling, I bet you have little testosterone. They make creams you can rub in down there and get your testosterone up so you have feeling. That might fix your sex life and help your relationships


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Everyone on this thread can say you deserve better, but nothing will happen until you believe it.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

Honey. You have every right to stop this.. You are his WIFE. You both took vows before god. It is unbelievable how many people throw them out the window at the drop of a hat or the first sign of trouble. 

So many avoid the elephant in the room instead of addressing it. His excuses are just that, excuses nothing more. He refuses to take any of the blame for stepping out on you, his wife. He is making it your fault and you buy that BS. It was his choice, he made that choice on his own....


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