# What to do



## Rnend (Aug 10, 2016)

Background: dated 2 years, 1 year deployment. Married 3 years, one child a boy age 2 . Lies from jump. I found out 1.5 years later that although we agreed no strippers for the bachelorette and bachelor party - he knew before marriage that I felt (past tense) strongly against it and agreed it was an acceptable thing for him. He went to the strip club anyway and lied to me. I only found this out after I went out of town and he made up this long story that his friend covered for him of why he didn't answer his phone all night.... Found out by bank account info and he finally admitted after showing him the evidence that he again went to the strip club and lied about it, made up a whole story, didn't answer his phone all night and Had a friend lie for him.He also admitted he was on Facebook looking for girls to **** after I presented evidence of that. No cheating occurred and he had not talked to any women online. That's the lies of our marriage. (Most of which occurred one year ago). We have moved pass them but I will never forget, forgive but not forget. It has been difficult for me to trust again but I finally do.

Current issues; the reason I am thinking about separating is because I don't feel that he loves me. Reasons I believe this are; he never does anything with me besides watch tv at home. I am an active outdoor family person and have invited him to go do things so many times. Go to the state fair, take our sun to the park, go to festivals, go walking, go swimming, go to car shows. You name it. He does however go to these car meets with his friends. I don't mind it but it is bothering me that he is "too tired" or "doesn't feel like it" or simply "does not want to go" do anything with me. I just don't know what to do. I receive love by quality time. I do things with my family and friends but never with him. We go to work come home eat and that's it. Lately we have sex but he doesn't climax because he has already masterbated or just doesn't. I'm a
Sexual person but i think the lack of a relationship is affecting us both sexually but he refuses to do anything with me or with me n our son. I feel as though I'm pulling a mule that will not budge. He doesn't tell me I'm beautiful, instead he pokes fun of my weight. He also watches sooo much ebony porn (I am Irish and Portuguese) which wouldn't normally bother me (I watch porn too) but considering our sex life lately it makes me wonder if he is bored and wants something new or different. I just feel like I have a roommate. I feel like he doesn't truly love me but instead just doesn't want to be Alone. (His family isn't the greatest and most of them are not sober.)I've told him how I feel and his response is "whatever man". He just gets annoyed or apologizes and doesn't change anything. He always has been very selfish as well. For example if he is hungry, he will feed himself before feeding our 1 year old, even if our one year old is hungry too. I would never. Little things like that, or if it's hot and we have one small fan he will take it and not think twice, where I would give it to him. He would not even ask. I just don't know what to do anymore. I believe in marriage but I am miserable inside. I love him and I am willing to compromise but he won't even meet me halfway. I told him I feel like a dog, a dog that's starving to death but then just in the nick of time he feeds me just enough to keep me alive. He says he will try and says this and that but never follows through. Help...


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

You have gone to great length to blame and finger point at your husband here. Some of the issues are pretty small, and really not a reason for divorce. To me, that suggest a lack of internal reflection, a lack of analysis of how you have contributed to the situation. I'm not blaming just you here, but you need to consider that.

I think the problem in your relationship is much deeper than you are aware of and the current state of your relationship is because of each other's needs have not been met, and/or your communication has broken down (if it ever existed). What these needs are need to be determined.

In my first marriage, my wife didn't ever listen to my concerns and opinions and our conversations turned to arguments or I just gave in and bottled it up. This unknowingly had a pretty devastating effect on my personality and affected the way I interacted with my wife. In short, I became passive aggressive. That sounds a lot like what your husband is doing. He is unconsciously "protesting" and he may not even be fully aware of it. It took a separation and IC for me to figure it out.

Stop and try to consider how healthy your communication is. That may be the key to all of this.

Failing that, tell you husband that you are concerned that he seems unhappy in your marriage and that it is affecting how you feel about him. Tell him you are concerned and you'd like him to go to IC and figure out why. 

Also, do some IC of your own. You will be surprised what you will learn about yourself.


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## Rnend (Aug 10, 2016)

Good view. Sometimes we don't want to hear we are wrong but it helps. It makes me wonder what I'm doing wrong. I honestly don't know though. I feel like I'm the past I definitely should have done some things differently but for the past year I just don't know. I feel like I communicate pretty clearly. I have done counseling and express things pretty good I feel like. I'm honest. I'm wondering if I'm too honest and have hurt his feelings now that I think of it. Idk but thanks


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

Rnend said:


> Background: dated 2 years, 1 year deployment. Married 3 years, one child a boy age 2 . Lies from jump. I found out 1.5 years later that although we agreed no strippers for the bachelorette and bachelor party - he knew before marriage that I felt (past tense) strongly against it and agreed it was an acceptable thing for him. He went to the strip club anyway and lied to me. I only found this out after I went out of town and he made up this long story that his friend covered for him of why he didn't answer his phone all night.... Found out by bank account info and he finally admitted after showing him the evidence that he again went to the strip club and lied about it, made up a whole story, didn't answer his phone all night and Had a friend lie for him.He also admitted he was on Facebook looking for girls to **** after I presented evidence of that. No cheating occurred and he had not talked to any women online. That's the lies of our marriage. (Most of which occurred one year ago). We have moved pass them but I will never forget, forgive but not forget. It has been difficult for me to trust again but I finally do.


You *haven't *forgiven him. The concept of forgiveness that you have expressed here is one that only has any meaning on a piece of paper. You aren't over it and you don't have to be. You should get over it, but that takes effort.



> I love him and I am willing to compromise but he won't even meet me halfway. I told him I feel like a dog, a dog that's starving to death but then just in the nick of time he feeds me just enough to keep me alive. He says he will try and says this and that but never follows through. Help...


Actions - not words. Actions - not words.

If you reject this arrangement:

1. Become the best you that you can be.
2. Consider giving the relationship time.
3. Now that you are the best you can be, you begin inviting him to the table of reconciliation.

If he doesn't come around:

A. Deal with it.
B. Reject the arrangement and take action to leave. This is not a threat or ultimatum. At this point, you don't buy into desperate pleas of his, nor should you ever. The only plea you should consider is "you know what, you are right..... our relationship has become boring and lacks any passion. Let's work together to fix it." That would be sincere.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

poida said:


> You have gone to great length to blame and finger point at your husband here. *Some of the issues are pretty small, and really not a reason for divorce.* To me, that suggest a lack of internal reflection, a lack of analysis of how you have contributed to the situation. I'm not blaming just you here, but you need to consider that.


Her reasons may sound small to you, but to her, they obviously are not. If an issue has pushed someone to the brink of leaving, then clearly they are significant to them. 

Rnend, I cant help but wonder if your husband has withdrawn due to your reaction to the whole bachelor party fiasco. You seriously need to let that go. Do you come down on him like that so easily over other issues? Think about it. If every issue means drama and shaming, then who could blame him for withdrawing. 

Don't get me wrong, I am not blaming everything on you. The way he is treating you is out of line. Honestly, it doesn't sound like he really even likes you at this point. His response of "whatever, man" is pretty telling, he either doesn't give a crap, or he is tired of drama and just wants you to stop. Take an honest look at how you deal with things, and maybe try apologizing to him for going over the top about stuff. Taking ownership of your own actions is important, and may be what he needs from you. If that doesn't work, then maybe if you let him know that you are giving serious thought to ending things, that might be a wake up call for him. If you tell him this and you get another "whatever, man", then you know that he is done and you are wasting your effort.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Let the man have some fun. My Ex Wife would never let me go to strip clubs. Guess what, I went without her knowing. I went to great lengths to hide the CC charges (hidden credit cards, balance transfers, etc). I hated that woman. She still doesn't know about the trips. I hated that woman. 

Do you initiate sex? Do you give your H oral? Now looking back, my ex wife never initiated and never ever went down town (even before marriage). I built up so much resentment towards her because of this, I detached emotionally early on in the marriage and it was not recoverable. 

My current G/F will go to strip clubs with me and word the "head" is in her daily vocabulary, what a difference!


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

poida said:


> You have gone to great length to blame and finger point at your husband here. Some of the issues are pretty small, and really not a reason for divorce. To me, that suggest a lack of internal reflection, a lack of analysis of how you have contributed to the situation. I'm not blaming just you here, but you need to consider that.
> learn about yourself.


I [mostly] disagree. While these are common complaints from a wife, they do add up.

He comes across as selfish and in his own world. It takes the proverbial "two" to make a marriage. Does it sound like he is contributing? 

He is enduring and biding his time....he sounds unhappy and he shows it. He needs to step up or call it quits.....not waste OP's time.

OP comes across as very reflective, insightful and "says" she is willing to compromise. What more could you ask? She wants the marriage to work....her words say this. I tend to believe this.

She too likely has her faults....being callous, indifferent, non-participating and non-sexual....are NOT on her.


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## Rnend (Aug 10, 2016)

You all make valid points. I have let go of what happened already so that is done, I just mentioned it because it was a big obstacle for us since I felt our marriage started on lies. I am very sexual and do initiate. I'm somewhat of a horn dog way
More then him. I do give oral and many other things. With our relationship being so bad to go to a strip Club together now would end badly. I'd be insecure in our relationship since it's so rocky and get jealous. If our relationship improves then I think it would be fine, but not right now. I did talk to him today after doin a lot of reflection. I need to listen to him And be more understanding of why he is acting the way he is. I do put too much blame on him. I told him that I was sorry for not listening and blaming him. I told him that I want is to work and that I will really take steps to improve my behavior. He told me that our finances are really stressful to him because we just get by. I also expressed that I feel like he doesn't even like me at this point. He seemed to really receive what I said. I told him I really wanted to work on our relationship and even though $ is tight we can still do somethings for free. We agreed to have one evening a week for each person, where they choose an activity and it can include staying home. He gets an evening, I get an evening and then our son gets one. I made a nice dinner and he will be home soon. Thanks so much everyone for your kindness, honesty and advice. I pray this helps.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

GuyInColorado said:


> Ex Wife


Just saying.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Rnend said:


> You all make valid points. I have let go of what happened already so that is done, I just mentioned it because it was a big obstacle for us since I felt our marriage started on lies. I am very sexual and do initiate. I'm somewhat of a horn dog way
> More then him. I do give oral and many other things. With our relationship being so bad to go to a strip Club together now would end badly. I'd be insecure in our relationship since it's so rocky and get jealous. If our relationship improves then I think it would be fine, but not right now. I did talk to him today after doin a lot of reflection. I need to listen to him And be more understanding of why he is acting the way he is. I do put too much blame on him. I told him that I was sorry for not listening and blaming him. I told him that I want is to work and that I will really take steps to improve my behavior. He told me that our finances are really stressful to him because we just get by. I also expressed that I feel like he doesn't even like me at this point. He seemed to really receive what I said. I told him I really wanted to work on our relationship and even though $ is tight we can still do somethings for free. We agreed to have one evening a week for each person, where they choose an activity and it can include staying home. He gets an evening, I get an evening and then our son gets one. I made a nice dinner and he will be home soon. Thanks so much everyone for your kindness, honesty and advice. I pray this helps.


Willingness is really one of the most important things. As someone said on one of the other threads, "Death to self", if you both do that you will make it. This sounds like a good update. 

Finally if you are committed to moving the relationship forward you have to forgive. It is not fair to hold stuff against him if you stay. He didn't cheat, yes he lied but it wasn't to protect himself from cheating. It was to protect himself from being an ass. There IS a difference. His first mistake was ever agreeing to conditions that he knew he wouldn't keep.


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## flyhigher (Jun 23, 2016)

sokillme said:


> Just saying.


lmao!!!!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

There are a couple of books that I think would help the two of you to read together and work through: "Love Busters" and " His Needs, Her Needs"


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

Rnend said:


> You all make valid points. I have let go of what happened already so that is done, I just mentioned it because it was a big obstacle for us since I felt our marriage started on lies. I am very sexual and do initiate. I'm somewhat of a horn dog way
> More then him. I do give oral and many other things. With our relationship being so bad to go to a strip Club together now would end badly. I'd be insecure in our relationship since it's so rocky and get jealous. If our relationship improves then I think it would be fine, but not right now. I did talk to him today after doin a lot of reflection. I need to listen to him And be more understanding of why he is acting the way he is. I do put too much blame on him. I told him that I was sorry for not listening and blaming him. I told him that I want is to work and that I will really take steps to improve my behavior. He told me that our finances are really stressful to him because we just get by. I also expressed that I feel like he doesn't even like me at this point. He seemed to really receive what I said. I told him I really wanted to work on our relationship and even though $ is tight we can still do somethings for free. We agreed to have one evening a week for each person, where they choose an activity and it can include staying home. He gets an evening, I get an evening and then our son gets one. I made a nice dinner and he will be home soon. Thanks so much everyone for your kindness, honesty and advice. I pray this helps.


That was very mature of you and see the reaction you got! Positive.

You know, once someone becomes passive aggressive, you need to realise they have been bottling up resentment for a long time. That sounds perhaps a bit like your husband. That and insecurity over finances.

Keep the open dialogue up and really try to be open to what he says. You will be amazed at the response.

He has a lot of heavy lifting to do too. Don't think I haven't ever meant that, but you are here asking advice and I gave it to you. Some took that as me being one sided.

I really think you both need to do some IC. I liken early IC as a health check up. A good counsellor will latch onto something he doesn't like and I assure you will stay on the topic until is starts to open up - something couples often aren't capable of doing as they have their own interests at heart.

So, keep it up and IC for both of you. Good luck.


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

Rnend said:


> Good view. Sometimes we don't want to hear we are wrong but it helps. It makes me wonder what I'm doing wrong. I honestly don't know though. I feel like I'm the past I definitely should have done some things differently but for the past year I just don't know. I feel like I communicate pretty clearly. I have done counseling and express things pretty good I feel like. I'm honest. I'm wondering if I'm too honest and have hurt his feelings now that I think of it. Idk but thanks


Yo seem po-active here. 

Understand it's HIS job figure out why he isn't happy if he doesn't know. If he does know, it's his job to tell you.

Just try to be open to that. Perhaps his experiences from the past prevent him from being vulnerable? Just a thought.


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## Ytsejamer1 (Aug 14, 2016)

Communication...i can't stress how easy it is for effective communication to disappear. If you do attempt it, you may fail. Don't give up. Really pull it out of him and handle things delicately. If he's feeling attacked or shamed on a consistent basis, you're going to have to really hold your tongue and just be easy about it. If you give a good vibe and respect his position (it may be right, wrong, or both), that's a great start. Once you finally open up the flood gates you can really get down the bottom of things if the desire on both parties is there to figure it out. If the desire to work the issues is not, that's a tough position to be in.


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