# I need help, why won't my fiance have sex with me?



## FrdFrmBrdn (Aug 9, 2012)

I am 28 and she is 29 and were engaged. We have been together for 5 years now. In the beginning like most people, the sex was frequent (5 times a week on average) and fun and slightly exotic. Which is great. I had expected this to fade off like most people I would imagine. She was very open to trying things I wanted that wasn't "normal" in her past sex life. Once this started to slow down I didn't get up.set or anything about it. In the recent years sex is happening once a month, and only after I am rejected about 10 times with in 30 nights and a huge fight the night before and I unintentionally make her feel guilty about it.. I don't feel i ask a lot of sex and up until recently i never showed her I was mad about being rejected. I always have been very caring to her feelings. (i.e. she isn't feeling well, she's tired and so on) and tried my best to understand. But now I clearly see through the excuses and am tired of it.

We don't have any kids and if we did i am sure that would be excuse number 1. I always, up until recently when I just naturally started to anticipate her answer, have been what I believe most women would think is romantic. I start rubbing her back and things like that but she just sees them now as I just want sex. Even when I don't and want to make her feel better after a hard day. Which usually ends up with her just saying "I'm tired, not tonight" with out me giving any sexual advance.

I have tried to have a talk about it and tell her how I feel that were young and should be having sex more then we are. And even brought up the fact, after these talks turn into a fight, that I am convinced my parents have sex more then we do. My family is open and make suggesting jokes that would lead me to this assumption. I believe it to be sad in light of this fact. I have always been some what frisky and have done my best to change myself to make things easier on her. Its not easy for a man to turn down his sex drive but I have tried my best so that me and her can be on the same page when it comes to sex. 

I am tired of being the one who has to concede and back off. I'm sick of her lack of trying. I love my fiance and I know she loves me back. I have never cheated on anyone and will not on her. I also know that she isn't cheating on me or even talking to anyone else. Is it possible? Yes, but I highly doubt it. What can I do to get her to put into this relationship as much as I feel I do? I don't think going to counseling is the solution. In fact I think that if that is the only solution then we shouldn't be together because were not even 30 yet, no kids, and not married. If that is the only thing we/I can do this early in our relationship then I feel its doomed from the start and why work so hard on something that might not end up being good for us. I don't want to leave her but I believe sex to be very important in a relationship and maybe being with someone else, we will have a better start to a relationship that is meant to last the rest of our life's. 

Any good mature suggestion's would be very appreciated.


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## jameskimp (May 8, 2012)

Women put out a lot more BEFORE they are married. Yours has already tapered off. 

I would strongly advise you rethink the marriage because what I see here is years of resentment building up to a divorce.


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## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

First off, never beg for it. She will resent having to cave in to your temper tantrum. sounds counter intuitive but don't give her any intimacy. No shoulder rubs, no nothing. tell her your going to bed to go rub one out then go to sleep. Let her know she isn't your only outlet for sex. over all ask yourself if you have changed since you first got together. Did you use to me more alpha, more in charge of things? Thats the guy she wants to sleep with. Find that guy again and watch her turn around fairly quickly.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## missymrs80 (Aug 5, 2012)

Being tired is not what's going on here. Do you have iTunes? If so, go to playboy advisor podcast from playboy radio and listen to 27 - passionate marriage. I was listening to it on my drive to work today and heard many things that should be helpful to you. Don't judge the playboy podcast for being play boy....it's actually good info, on that particular episode at least!


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## missymrs80 (Aug 5, 2012)

And it's free


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How many hours a week do the two of you spend doing things together, just the two of you?


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## FrdFrmBrdn (Aug 9, 2012)

To answer some of the questions,

We spend a decent amount of time together. Id say 5 hours on average on a week day, doing things we both like to do. There is no lack of communication and we get along great other wise.

I hear you on letting her come to me. I tried it. I made no attempts in bed. Took about 2 months before I said something. How long it would have gone before she made her move had I not brought it up? No one knows.

And I think tomorrow when I get out of work I will listen to that Itunes thing you suggested.

Thanks everyone for the suggestions so far. I'm open to anything and all comments you have. Thanks.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Whatever you do, don't marry someone who doesn't want to have sex with you. Basically, to get her back you'll need to be willing to let her go. If she knows you'll never leave, you'll never have balance in your relationship. 

This is a great chance for you to set sexless ness as a hard boundary. Let her know now you aren't willing to marry someone who doesn't want sex with you. And if it comes back, and goes away again later that you'll divorce. It's a good time to make clear that this is a requirement to be married to you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I agree that marrying her with the way things are right now woudl be a very bad idea. This has to be settled first. If it does not change do you really want to live your life with this little sex... or even less sex?

You might benefit from the book "His Needs, Her Needs". One of the topics it addresses is that for men sex is usually their #1 emotional need. The book would explain this to here. The book has other things that would help both of you.

Give her a set amount of time to turn her behavior around 3 to 6 months. If she does not you should really think about leaving her. THe relationship is not healthy.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

If you were to try to have sex with a woman in a bar, do you think you would have to act a certain way to make that happen? Or would you just walk up to her, hug her, and expect her to start having sex with you? You have to think about your girl more as single woman that you have to pursue in some way. The "expectation" of easy sex makes a woman feel like you are using her.

What you have to do is tell her that she has to move out, you are breaking off the engagement and there is no way you can stay with her in this non sexual, boring, frustrating relationship. But that you love her and are totally willing to be with her in a mutual fulfilling sexual relationship. That is your preference. And you would really love her to choose that option, but the choice is hers.

This is how you attract your own woman to you.


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## missymrs80 (Aug 5, 2012)

FrdFrmBrdn said:


> To answer some of the questions,
> 
> We spend a decent amount of time together. Id say 5 hours on average on a week day, doing things we both like to do. There is no lack of communication and we get along great other wise.
> 
> ...


It's an hour long. It discusses your exact question and gives really good info on how to handle it. I'm a therapist and I would say its sound info. Don't think about it just do it. Lol!


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## jaharthur (May 25, 2012)

jameskimp said:


> [*SOME*] Women put out a lot more BEFORE they are married. Yours has already tapered off.


Corrected that for ya.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

jameskimp said:


> Women put out a lot more BEFORE they are married. Yours has already tapered off.


Not all woman are like this, I for one am not!! My husband is the one who doesn't put out anymore

Put out or get out that works sometimes.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

When did your sex life drop to a low level?
When did you get engaged?
Who wanted to get married? 
Who was the person "pushing" for the engagement?




FrdFrmBrdn said:


> I am 28 and she is 29 and were engaged. We have been together for 5 years now. In the beginning like most people, the sex was frequent (5 times a week on average) and fun and slightly exotic. Which is great. I had expected this to fade off like most people I would imagine. She was very open to trying things I wanted that wasn't "normal" in her past sex life. Once this started to slow down I didn't get up.set or anything about it. In the recent years sex is happening once a month, and only after I am rejected about 10 times with in 30 nights and a huge fight the night before and I unintentionally make her feel guilty about it.. I don't feel i ask a lot of sex and up until recently i never showed her I was mad about being rejected. I always have been very caring to her feelings. (i.e. she isn't feeling well, she's tired and so on) and tried my best to understand. But now I clearly see through the excuses and am tired of it.
> 
> We don't have any kids and if we did i am sure that would be excuse number 1. I always, up until recently when I just naturally started to anticipate her answer, have been what I believe most women would think is romantic. I start rubbing her back and things like that but she just sees them now as I just want sex. Even when I don't and want to make her feel better after a hard day. Which usually ends up with her just saying "I'm tired, not tonight" with out me giving any sexual advance.
> 
> ...


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

I am a woman and surprised that her drive has already tappered off, I would suggest you read the top 5 needs of a man and the top 5 needs of a woman, and before discussing with her again sex, make sure you are meeting her top 5 needs, if in fact you are, then bring the entire discussion to her... point blank. You can find the list at the link below... without reading any books or buying any books. Definitely settle this before marriage. Are there any signs she could be cheating? This strikes me as odd since you are not yet married, and no children. Children do drain a woman, I will say that and that is usually the point when women struggle with sex drive issues... but for this to be happening in your relationship already, something is amiss.... I would agree with the others, call off the engagement temporarily. Postpone the wedding, whatever to get through to her, after you first try the discussion I mentioned and see if it makes a difference. You may find that you are missing on meeting her needs (our top 5 needs in a relationship as a woman not one is sexual so it's important and we try to communicate them, although we often go about it the wrong way). 
And as a man your top 1 is sex, and the more you push, the more pressure she feels and the less she thinks about it, because it is more about a need and less about a "connection" and "desire". But it can be fixed. 
His Needs-Her Needs-Our Needs (weird title but the site is about relationships and since you are living together it would apply to you)


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## 67flh (Sep 26, 2011)

you marry her and you will want to cut your nads off a few years down the line.


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## DDC (Jul 16, 2012)

jameskimp said:


> I would strongly advise you rethink the marriage because what I see here is years of resentment building up to a divorce.


:iagree:



WorkingOnMe said:


> Whatever you do, don't marry someone who doesn't want to have sex with you. Basically, to get her back you'll need to be willing to let her go. If she knows you'll never leave, you'll never have balance in your relationship.
> 
> This is a great chance for you to set sexless ness as a hard boundary. Let her know now you aren't willing to marry someone who doesn't want sex with you. And if it comes back, and goes away again later that you'll divorce. It's a good time to make clear that this is a requirement to be married to you.


:iagree: 



MEM11363 said:


> When did your sex life drop to a low level?
> When did you get engaged?
> Who wanted to get married?
> Who was the person "pushing" for the engagement?


Great questions here.


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## FrdFrmBrdn (Aug 9, 2012)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

When did your sex life drop to a low level?
its been like this for about 2 years or so now that i really look at it. But its been as bad as it has for about a year to year and a half.

When did you get engaged?
alittle more then a year but I had been thinking of asking her a year and a half prior to that before i left for Iraq.

Who wanted to get married? 
I of course being the man proposed, but at the time we both wanted it.

Who was the person "pushing" for the engagement?
It was kind of mutual. Just through talking with her I feel she was just waiting for me to ask, and I was waiting for the right time. I knew for awhile she was the one. Or so I thought.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I am getting the impression that your sex life dropped after you returned from your deployment from Iraq? Is this right?


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## 3kgtmitsu (Jul 28, 2012)

Sorry to hear you are going through this, but you definitely need to take a firm stance on the topic and let her know that this needs to change BEFORE the marriage and let her know you are serious enough to pull the plug if its not. I think being open to each others emotional needs is important, and as a man one of your greatest needs is sex, plain and simple. No sex makes for a miserable relationship, unless there is of course a medical reason for it. Another thing that is a positive one, at least your NOT married yet.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

The world is chuck full of sexless zombies. You want to know why she won't have sex? If you stay with her, you'll hear hundreds, maybe thousands of excuses. What does it matter? If she doesn't have a ring and she's already pushing you away, you need to run. It won't get better. If your needs aren't important to her while she's in fiance' mode, a little wedding cake isn't going to make her behave like a partner. No joke. If I had it to do all over again, about the third time a reasonable sexual request was turned down, I'd walk. Life is too short to spend dealing with zombies.


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## FrdFrmBrdn (Aug 9, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> I am getting the impression that your sex life dropped after you returned from your deployment from Iraq? Is this right?


thats about right. the first month i was back our sex life was pretty good. But after that it fell into nothing, fast.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

FrdFrmBrdn said:


> thats about right. the first month i was back our sex life was pretty good. But after that it fell into nothing, fast.


I wonder if she had an affair while you were away. That could explain things.

Another thing that might have happened is that being away from her caused her to withdraw. Sure you have re-connect sex for a month but it might not have been enough contact for her to get properly reconnected to you.

If you want sex in your life you are going to have to set some boundaries. Either she works with you to get your self life back on track or you are leaving her. 

You have to take this seriously because if you don't you are headed for a very sad and emotionally painful life. Do not just accept a sexless marriage. You cannot force sex on her. But you can tell her what you will live with. And if she choses to make the effort to re-bond with you then good. If she does not you are free to find a woman who can love you the way you should be.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

It really doesn't matter why. You want a wife and a roommate is just an unacceptable substitute. Partnering means she recognizes and attends to your needs and not only on the days she feels like it. You probably didn't feel like getting deployed. You went because that was the relationship you willingly entered into. Same thing goes in marriage (or should). You agree to act like a loving husband even on the days you don't feel like it and she agrees to act like a loving wife regardless of how she feels. If she doesn't like horses, she has no business signing up to be a jockey.


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## tjohnson (Mar 10, 2010)

Dude, 

It is 2012 and information is everywhere. From what i have gathered from my friends and from this forum is that many married men suffer from lack of sex, even ones who had plenty before marriage. 

One could possibly make the case that somehow YOU are somehow part of the problem but, that does not change the fact that she has already PROVEN that this is not important to her. 

You need to seriously think about this marriage if sex is an important component. I frequently suffer from frequency issues but, on the flip side my wife love sex and it is great when we have it. She is intermittanly tollerant of my use of porn as a relief. 

EXPECT your sex diminishes when you get married them more when you have kids (if that is possilbe-LOL)


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Agree with all the others. The purpose of being engaged is to find out about someone. You know who she is. You don't marry a person who behaves like this. You offer her the choice to shape up or ship out.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I wouldn't even give her that option. She has clearly shown you her natural state. If she "shapes up" for a few months, the wedding cake crumbs will still be on her face when she starts shoving you away again. You don't want a woman who pretends to want you, sexually. The act will last only long enough to get her through the ceremony.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

missymrs80 said:


> Being tired is not what's going on here. Do you have iTunes? If so, go to playboy advisor podcast from playboy radio and listen to 27 - passionate marriage. I was listening to it on my drive to work today and heard many things that should be helpful to you. Don't judge the playboy podcast for being play boy....it's actually good info, on that particular episode at least!


I agree , there is a lot of good info there. sex is the glue in a relationship. It is a must.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Frd,
Does this resonate with you? 
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/21278-thermostat-ultimate-barometer-your-r.html

FYI: No one ever tells a man that the exact same pursuing behavior that forged a positive emotional bond in the beginning of the relationship, can utterly destroy it when employed in the close spatial and emotional confines of a home and an engagement/marriage. 

If this resonates I will outline an approach that you may find very helpful. 




FrdFrmBrdn said:


> I am 28 and she is 29 and were engaged. We have been together for 5 years now. In the beginning like most people, the sex was frequent (5 times a week on average) and fun and slightly exotic. Which is great. I had expected this to fade off like most people I would imagine. She was very open to trying things I wanted that wasn't "normal" in her past sex life. Once this started to slow down I didn't get up.set or anything about it. In the recent years sex is happening once a month, and only after I am rejected about 10 times with in 30 nights and a huge fight the night before and I unintentionally make her feel guilty about it.. I don't feel i ask a lot of sex and up until recently i never showed her I was mad about being rejected. I always have been very caring to her feelings. (i.e. she isn't feeling well, she's tired and so on) and tried my best to understand. But now I clearly see through the excuses and am tired of it.
> 
> We don't have any kids and if we did i am sure that would be excuse number 1. I always, up until recently when I just naturally started to anticipate her answer, have been what I believe most women would think is romantic. I start rubbing her back and things like that but she just sees them now as I just want sex. Even when I don't and want to make her feel better after a hard day. Which usually ends up with her just saying "I'm tired, not tonight" with out me giving any sexual advance.
> 
> ...


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

FrdFrmBrdn said:


> I am 28 and she is 29 and were engaged. We have been together for 5 years now. In the beginning like most people, the sex was frequent (5 times a week on average) and fun and slightly exotic. Which is great. I had expected this to fade off like most people I would imagine. She was very open to trying things I wanted that wasn't "normal" in her past sex life. Once this started to slow down I didn't get up.set or anything about it. In the recent years sex is happening once a month, and only after I am rejected about 10 times with in 30 nights and a huge fight the night before and I unintentionally make her feel guilty about it.. I don't feel i ask a lot of sex and up until recently i never showed her I was mad about being rejected. I always have been very caring to her feelings. (i.e. she isn't feeling well, she's tired and so on) and tried my best to understand. But now I clearly see through the excuses and am tired of it.
> 
> We don't have any kids and if we did i am sure that would be excuse number 1. I always, up until recently when I just naturally started to anticipate her answer, have been what I believe most women would think is romantic. I start rubbing her back and things like that but she just sees them now as I just want sex. Even when I don't and want to make her feel better after a hard day. Which usually ends up with her just saying "I'm tired, not tonight" with out me giving any sexual advance.
> 
> ...


The good news is she likes sex (early in the relationship - very sexual).

The bad news is she doesn't like/want sex with you anymore.

I am very sorry...so what to do:

You don't think counseling is a solution.

You've tried to talk to her & it ends up in a fight.

Some posters here may offer some books to read.

Break off your engagement & find a more willing sexual partner.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

I think you need to ask her why she doesnt want to have sex with you .....Fighting about it then her having "guilt sex" only will aggravate whatever negativity or "aversion" she already has..the point is its obvious if you dont initiate and 2 months goes by and she isnt concerned about it(or lets put it this way SHE doesnt desire sex for that long) then no doubt she doesnt want to have sex with you ...So either something is terribly wrong in your relationship (the REST of the relationship) and her disinterest is as a result of that...or its a physical or mental issue she has regarding sex period....

And I dont think "have sex with me or I'll leave you " will "fix" whatever is wrong if thats what your aiming for..She may go ahead and have sex with you because she doesnt want to lose you but threatening that isnt going to magically make her WANT to have the actual sex..She will have sex because she doesnt want to lose you ..and thats no fun for anyone..sex under 'threat' of negative repricussions is wholly unfullfilling for you and her..IOW if thats the only reason she will engage in it ..never desiring the actual experience of having sex with you(for her OWN needs)you havent changed anything really.Except her just "giving YOU sex"...and you knowing in your heart and mind she would rather not that there is no joy in the experience for her and possibly worse its completely distateful to her..Nobody wins with that dynamic...you will never feel truly (genuinely) desired regardless she will "do it' ..it will be a "act' litterally ....

Also look into the possibliltiy she may have been sexually abused in her past...Often times girls/women who are abused downplay it or minimize it or even push it out of their immediate consciousness ..not ever coming to peace or closure with it..they can be very sexual even permiscuous seeming to just LOVE sex for years...then the abuse later in life will all at once be triggerred somehow to come flooding in like a wave..and they can have intrusive thoughts that plague them and avoiding sex is one way to protect themselves..

Obvioulsy thats merely a suggestion as to one possiblility..


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> I wonder if she had an affair while you were away. That could explain things.



Or she's interested in someone else.


In any event, it's clear she is no longer into you. She may not know how to break up with you outright. The no sex is probably her way of subtly telling you to move on.


Have her checked out medically? Have a comprehensive medical checkup done. If she's cleared, then the problem is she's not into you now.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

As painful as this will be to do, you need to break the engagement. If you still want to try and work things out, you'll have to tell her that you love her, but you will NOT live in a sexless marriage and those issues need to find some real, concrete resolution before you two can even think of getting engaged again, much less married.

That, or join the tens of millions of men and women in this country who are navigating their way through sexless and near sexless marriages. You certainly would be in plentiful company.


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