# 99% Sure I'm Done



## donzilla (Aug 8, 2017)

Hi all!

From the subject line in the post, you can probably guess what this is about. The 99% part references the apprehension that it’s going to be tough on the kids, that maybe things will get better (something I’ve been waiting for over 10 years to see), or that maybe I’m not working hard enough as a husband. Regardless, I wanted to write it all down to see what I thought and maybe get some advice (maybe this is salvageable??)

This is the first marriage for each of us and it’s been rough since the beginning. I’m not perfect as I tend to clam up when yelled at, can be depressed, and dwell/overthink old issues. However, I’ve never yelled, never abused, or strayed and have always been a solid provider for the family. Despite what’s below, I’ve stayed because of a combination of love and commitment.

When we married, my wife had hid heavy drinking and anger issues during dating. Once there was stability, all those things came out in spades. By year two, she was fully alcoholic and was drunk most evenings. Because I’m a light/social drinker, I feel shame that I enabled. However, her routine was to get drunk (18+ beers) and start criticizing and yelling until she passed out. During these times, she would compare me (negatively) to old boyfriends and family and say that she was only married to me for the money as I paid off over $60k in credit card and student debt in our first year. 

In year seven, an event scared her so much that she hasn’t had a drink since, but the anger hasn’t stopped.
After she stopped drinking, we had a good year and I thought we were on the path to a happy marriage. A pregnancy was trying, but I knew that was to be expected. While she had never worked a job in the previous years of marriage, I was glad that she had something positive to work on from the home. However, during this time she got into an athletic hobby that took all her time (mornings, evenings, weekends) and hired help to look after our child when I was at work.

The final straws were two incidents (among a great many tantrums) when she told my son and I that she was considering suicide but at the least wanted us to move elsewhere. The two incidents were seven months apart, and hopefully our child won’t remember (4-5 y/o). Again those were the worst incidents, but there were at least weekly tantrums where I didn’t remember something, I didn’t mow the lawn correctly, the house is a mess, etc. Another painful thing for me is that she maintains contact with one of the old boyfriends I mentioned above (who was “a better lover and more passionate that _ am”). Although there is no affair, I have asked her to un-friend him, but her response was for me to “grow up”.

Am I overreacting? I see so many columns that say that I should be loving her more or doing more in the house, but honestly all I do is take care of kids and house and work at my job while she’s doing her hobbies. I am angry about things that were said almost a decade ago, but they have never been resolved. We have had four rounds of counseling (3 at my request), but each time she says the therapist is taking my side and is against her.

At least I feel better after venting! At this point, my hope is that I can get custodial rights because I know that she’ll explode when I ask for a divorce. I don’t want to think about alimony, but that’s a better option than what we’re in now._


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Aside from taking a financial hit from her:


You will grow two inches. So buoyant will your new single persona be.
Your smile will return.
You too will have time to go to the gym. Oh, BTW, she is getting toned up for a current man, a new man or new men. She is ahead of the curve.
You will be able to breath again. Her hands will be off your throat.
She can go back to her old BF. Believe me, he will not want her. No man would....for long. 

What are her assets? Think hard.

Expect and enjoy the fireworks...she has earned her City Dump pass.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

donzilla said:


> Hi all!
> 
> From the subject line in the post, you can probably guess what this is about. The 99% part references the apprehension that it’s going to be tough on the kids, that maybe things will get better (something I’ve been waiting for over 10 years to see), or that maybe I’m not working hard enough as a husband. Regardless, I wanted to write it all down to see what I thought and maybe get some advice (maybe this is salvageable??)
> 
> ...


_

You're not overreacting, IMO. In fact, I'd say you've spent far too long *under*reacting.

Oh, and I'd bet my next paycheck that there have been affairs._


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## donzilla (Aug 8, 2017)

Thank you so much. When you live day to day, issues and pain become part of the normal environment. It's only when you write everything down that you realize the extent of the problems. I've moved to 100% sure of the decision.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

I know it's only one side of the story, but I don't see much to base a solid marriage on, here.

The sheer fact that she's compared you unfavourably to past lovers is just garbage. Alcohol or no alcohol, **** that.

My gut tells me she's not going to change. She's unhappy (more with herself than anything) and she won't magically turn into a decent human being overnight. You can take a gamble that she'll get her act together in time, but honestly, she doesn't sound like she's made many steps in that direction.

Life's too short, man.

And life, such as it is, is meant to be about happiness - your own, and the people around you. You're not able to make her happy (and I doubt anyone can) and you're not happy. So what's the point? Cut your losses and go.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Time to bump that up to 100% and move on.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Time for you to file and for her to grow up.....her emotional games are sick.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Lostinthought61 said:


> Time for you to file and *for her to grow up.*....her emotional games are sick.


This is *what* is missing in life...for many.

What is this *what*?:

Consequences.

She is an abusive human being. She is lashing you with her sharp words. Her crooked swaying tongue is her whip. Mocking you.
Using you as her nearby dart board.

Her stature grows as yours shrinks. No consequences.

Your wife is likely miserable [no excuse, here]. She [and others with no consequences] get out their frustration by laying it on someone else's plate.

When life sets you on your azz for bad behavior, you learn to chose your words. You may still be bitter, unrepentant, angry, selfish but you will be forced to be civil if you 
want to get things done. If no one pushes back, and hard....the bully gets louder and bolder.

She is an arrogant bully. 

Arrogant for no reason. She is not a sought after fashion model, a corporate executive. A highly degreed Professional, right?
Even if she was any of these things being a bully does not work when others refuse the shove.

A plumber can put down an arrogant CEO if he gets pushy. And he should. 

Power respects power. Power of character counts.


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