# just registered my wife is emotionally abusive



## relicmeister (Jan 12, 2015)

Hi, I just joined-up.I have been dealing all weekend with my psychotically angry wife and have concluded I need some support in coping with the emotional abuse that exists in my 12 year marriage (my 2nd, her first). I checked out a site that asks
a bunch of questions to determine if your spouse is verbally and emotionally abusive, and my situation met every criterion. The abuse occurs daily,but flares up to extremes a couple times a month regardless of whats going on. At these times she will call me names and tell me to leave and make me feel useless and hated. At these times I will defend myself verbally without yelling but will keep to myself till it blows over which it does in a day or so, but never with an apology or acknowledgement of her
extreme behavior-she simply just begins to act nicer and be less
critical of me. I have 3 grown kids out of state, and a grown stepson nearby. My elderly mother has had to come live with us 15 months ago and my wife deeply resents this.I provide a good living for us and she doesn't work. I used to drink a lot over lifes stress, but quit 2 years ago. I'm an extremely helpful and accomodating person, and I am very easy going and never hold a grudge, but its hard to forget you were told"I hate you" and "youre an A-hole and idiot,etc.etc. Are there many men here dealing with emotionally abusive wives? all feedback appreciated.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Are you saying that she's been this abusive for the entire 12 years? If not, when did she become like this?

Why are you still with a woman who is emotionally abusive?


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

What kind of support are you looking for? 

Have you tried counseling? Why do you stay with her? If someone treats you like crap, get away from them. You don't have to take it. Just leave.... or make her leave, or serve her with divorce papers or something. YOU have choices.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

relicmeister said:


> Hi, I just joined-up.I have been dealing all weekend with my psychotically angry wife and have concluded I need some support in coping with the emotional abuse that exists in my 12 year marriage (my 2nd, her first). I checked out a site that asks
> a bunch of questions to determine if your spouse is verbally and emotionally abusive, and my situation met every criterion. The abuse occurs daily,but flares up to extremes a couple times a month regardless of whats going on. At these times she will call me names and tell me to leave and make me feel useless and hated. At these times I will defend myself verbally without yelling but will keep to myself till it blows over which it does in a day or so, but never with an apology or acknowledgement of her
> extreme behavior-she simply just begins to act nicer and be less
> critical of me. I have 3 grown kids out of state, and a grown stepson nearby. My elderly mother has had to come live with us 15 months ago and my wife deeply resents this.I provide a good living for us and she doesn't work. I used to drink a lot over lifes stress, but quit 2 years ago. I'm an extremely helpful and accomodating person, and I am very easy going and never hold a grudge, but its hard to forget you were told"I hate you" and "youre an A-hole and idiot,etc.etc. Are there many men here dealing with emotionally abusive wives? all feedback appreciated.


*Read Married Man's Sex Life and No More Mr. Nice Guy!

Time to "man up" and save your own life! As well as your mother's!*


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Such books are like bringing knives to a gun fight.

Start with a good quality VAR and hidden video recorder. 

Make sure your behavior is impeccable. (When you're taping at least )

Figure out why she's doing it. Easier said than done, I know...


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## relicmeister (Jan 12, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> Are you saying that she's been this abusive for the entire 12 years? If not, when did she become like this?
> 
> Why are you still with a woman who is emotionally abusive?


Yes she has always been this way,but early in our relationship things were compliicated with my previous marriage matters especially the children which she always resented,and I would
use alcohol to cope with stress so I felt my life situation sort of justified her anger so I put up with that. Now, I see no reason for her to be so angry and abusive. From my point of view, I;m
a good husband and the only hardship from me is my mother needing to live with us which she is very angry about. Why do I stay with the marriage? the first half was volatile, the second half
much better, so I believed it worthwhile. Now that I can't blame myself for anything serious, I wouldn't put up with an abusive marriage forever-if it doesn't improve something would have to change.


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## relicmeister (Jan 12, 2015)

I watch a lot of Investigation Discovery channel. I know it's not uncommon for people to put up with a lot of abuse-even physical.
Change is hard and often avoided.The fact that I'm here says I'm beginning to say "I've had enough"


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*She's long past counseling help! Extricate yourself and get the hell out of Dodge! 

But I agree that you should have a copy of a audiotape displaying her vicious tirades. Get yourself to an attorney's office post haste!*


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Is there an alternative for a home for your mother? Community centers often have offices to help the elderly for residential facilities or homecare assistance. Many churches extend information sources for care and residential services for the elderly. Physicians' offices have information about elder care as well. I don't think your wife can care for your mother effectively. She is demonstrating her resentment with much anger towards you. I'm sure that your mother hears her and also feels abused. Your wife is psychologically abusing you and your mother.

As for her verbal abuse, this has to stop. Have you told her that you cannot tolerate this abusive behavior of hers any longer? You have lived with her for 12 years and you stated that she has been like this from the start. I don't think that your life with her will change. You'll need to see a marriage counselor if you wish to save this marriage. It seems that you have had enough.


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## lonelyhusband321 (Feb 18, 2014)

Here's the deal, OP.

You've been trying to just let things blow over because you're hoping things will get better. You're hoping to "weather the storm", and that things will be okay.

I hate to sound cliche, but a leopard can't change it's spots. If she has been emotionally abusive for the entire 12 years, chances are she will be for ANOTHER 12.

Be completely honest - with yourself, and ask the tough questions.

All of us can give you advice - and every one of us on here will truly be trying to help, but the real-life answer will ultimately have to come from inside you.

You might not LIKE the answer, but if you do enough soul searching, you will find it....


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

relicmeister,

You say that you have been sober for two years? Do you go to AA?


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

Give us an example of the abuse, as in word for word exchange. That way, we can get a better idea of what is going on.

It is entirely possible to change your marriage dynamic at any time, but your going to have to change how you respond to her anger. You will have to show her through actions that you won't accept the abuse anymore. After you establish that as fact, you will have to find out why she is so abusive. Where there is bitterness and vitriol, there is pain. Where there is abuse, there is deep seated insecurity.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ChristianGrey (Nov 27, 2014)

She is bitter at something you did or didn't.

She could also be bitter at something else in her life but somehow she blames you for it.

She needs sex.

She needs you to put your foot down and give her some quality verbal abuse. Some women kinda like it.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

I, too, was married to an emotionally abusive woman.

From the sounds of it, yours is more mentally abusive than emotional, but hey, 6 of one, 1/2 dozen of another. The end result is often very similar.

So what my ex wife would do was usually quite subtle (ie. no yelling or screaming at me), but it did involve name calling occasionally. What she was good at was making me feel useless, treating me like a child, that sort of thing.

And rules. Lots and lots of rules. For example, not just which days to do certain household chores, but how to do them. And then watching me do them. And if I didn't do them to her specifications (which was damn near impossible most of the time), taking them over herself and telling me to go away, or often much less pleasant words ("You never learn" etc.)

She also assumed the role of "leader" on virtually every household, business, financial or relationship issue. I feel very strongly that this was not necessarily a reflection of my own subservience, but more of her ultra-dominance. It happened so gradually over the years, that she ended up "in charge" of virtually everything. To keep her even moderately happy, I had to just smile and nod, smile and nod. Truth is, I was afraid of her.

There was a lot of passive aggressive behavior on her part, a lot of guilt tripping, and she was the martyr for everything. Almost anything I ever did, particularly in the last few years of the marriage, was not even close to good enough. She'd find fault with something, every time. Even the smallest of things.

By the end, I had zero confidence in myself and I was left wondering how in the hell I ended up like that. Her leaving was the single greatest thing that happened to me in my adult life. And that's what it took, HER leaving ME. Sad.

I absolutely shudder to think what I'd be like if she hadn't met some other poor sap. He can keep her, and good luck to him!


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

As'laDain said:


> Where there is bitterness and vitriol, there is pain. Where there is abuse, there is beep seated insecurity.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

So let me get this straight.

Your wife is emotionally abusive and doesn't even work (no kids).

So what exactly does she do other than abuse you?

Sounds to me like she needs a job and to cut the **** out.

Not sure how you put up with it (I wouldn't).


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## relicmeister (Jan 12, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> relicmeister,
> 
> You say that you have been sober for two years? Do you go to AA?


No. I used to go (*when I was still drinking)


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## Pooh Bear (Dec 28, 2014)

relicmeister said:


> Hi, I just joined-up.I have been dealing all weekend with my psychotically angry wife and have concluded I need some support in coping with the emotional abuse that exists in my 12 year marriage (my 2nd, her first). I checked out a site that asks
> a bunch of questions to determine if your spouse is verbally and emotionally abusive, and my situation met every criterion. The abuse occurs daily,but flares up to extremes a couple times a month regardless of whats going on. At these times she will call me names and tell me to leave and make me feel useless and hated. At these times I will defend myself verbally without yelling but will keep to myself till it blows over which it does in a day or so, but never with an apology or acknowledgement of her
> extreme behavior-she simply just begins to act nicer and be less
> critical of me. I have 3 grown kids out of state, and a grown stepson nearby. My elderly mother has had to come live with us 15 months ago and my wife deeply resents this.I provide a good living for us and she doesn't work. I used to drink a lot over lifes stress, but quit 2 years ago. I'm an extremely helpful and accomodating person, and I am very easy going and never hold a grudge, but its hard to forget you were told"I hate you" and "youre an A-hole and idiot,etc.etc. Are there many men here dealing with emotionally abusive wives? all feedback appreciated.


That is unacceptable behavior. I would sit her down and let her know that she needs to get help for her behavior. You do not deserve to be treated that way.


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## Pooh Bear (Dec 28, 2014)

relicmeister said:


> Yes she has always been this way,but early in our relationship things were compliicated with my previous marriage matters especially the children which she always resented,and I would
> use alcohol to cope with stress so I felt my life situation sort of justified her anger so I put up with that. Now, I see no reason for her to be so angry and abusive. From my point of view, I;m
> a good husband and the only hardship from me is my mother needing to live with us which she is very angry about. Why do I stay with the marriage? the first half was volatile, the second half
> much better, so I believed it worthwhile. Now that I can't blame myself for anything serious, I wouldn't put up with an abusive marriage forever-if it doesn't improve something would have to change.


I'm sure you are not perfect.  That doesn't mean you deserve to be abused. Home should be a safe place. If she is not willing to work on her behavior I think you should leave as quickly as possible. You deserve better.


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## Pooh Bear (Dec 28, 2014)

arbitrator said:


> *She's long past counseling help! Extricate yourself and get the hell out of Dodge!
> 
> But I agree that you should have a copy of a audiotape displaying her vicious tirades. Get yourself to an attorney's office post haste!*


Ok. I have to call you out on this. On the post of an emotionally abused woman you told her to seek out couple's counseling. With an emotionally abused man he should not even give his wife a chance and get out. What is the difference?


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## Pooh Bear (Dec 28, 2014)

Roselyn said:


> Is there an alternative for a home for your mother? Community centers often have offices to help the elderly for residential facilities or homecare assistance. Many churches extend information sources for care and residential services for the elderly. Physicians' offices have information about elder care as well. I don't think your wife can care for your mother effectively. She is demonstrating her resentment with much anger towards you. I'm sure that your mother hears her and also feels abused. Your wife is psychologically abusing you and your mother.
> 
> As for her verbal abuse, this has to stop. Have you told her that you cannot tolerate this abusive behavior of hers any longer? You have lived with her for 12 years and you stated that she has been like this from the start. I don't think that your life with her will change. You'll need to see a marriage counselor if you wish to save this marriage. It seems that you have had enough.


Marriage counseling is not good if one partner is abusive. The abuser needs to work on his or her way of interacting first then the couple can work on their relationship.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

Relicmeister, 
It seems people on TAM are quick to say, "pull the plug." The fact of the matter is, life is difficult and we ALL have problems, IMO. If it's getting too much for you, sit down calmly and tell her that she is destroying your marriage with her abuse. Tell her she needs to change. I know it's possible, because I have changed without formal counseling. I think the key is communication. "IF" she cares about the relationship, she CAN and will change. I'm living proof.
I was verbally abusive, OCD, depressed, angry, you name it. I realized I was destroying the marriage and changed myself. It took about 1 year.
Now, you may say to yourself, "he says he's changed but I bet he has not." My wife tells me regularly that she is amazed at the change I have made and is happy as a clam. Well, as happy as a clam can be in this messed up world.


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## Pooh Bear (Dec 28, 2014)

ChristianGrey said:


> She is bitter at something you did or didn't.
> 
> She could also be bitter at something else in her life but somehow she blames you for it.
> 
> ...


Hmmmm. Not good advice.


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## Pooh Bear (Dec 28, 2014)

alexm said:


> I, too, was married to an emotionally abusive woman.
> 
> From the sounds of it, yours is more mentally abusive than emotional, but hey, 6 of one, 1/2 dozen of another. The end result is often very similar.
> 
> ...


Yes. That's how abuse works. It is gradual and before you know it you are in it and don't know how you got there.


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## IamSomebody (Nov 21, 2014)

relicmeister said:


> Hi, I just joined-up.I have been dealing all weekend with my psychotically angry wife and have concluded I need some support in coping with the emotional abuse that exists in my 12 year marriage (my 2nd, her first). I checked out a site that asks
> a bunch of questions to determine if your spouse is verbally and emotionally abusive, and my situation met every criterion. The abuse occurs daily,but flares up to extremes a couple times a month regardless of whats going on. At these times she will call me names and tell me to leave and make me feel useless and hated. At these times I will defend myself verbally without yelling but will keep to myself till it blows over which it does in a day or so, but never with an apology or acknowledgement of her
> extreme behavior-she simply just begins to act nicer and be less
> critical of me. *I have 3 grown kids out of state*, and a grown stepson nearby. *My elderly mother has had to come live with us 15 months ago and my wife deeply resents this.*I provide a good living for us and *she doesn't work.* I used to drink a lot over lifes stress, but quit 2 years ago. I'm an extremely helpful and accomodating person, and I am very easy going and never hold a grudge, but its hard to forget you were told"I hate you" and "youre an A-hole and idiot,etc.etc. Are there many men here dealing with emotionally abusive wives? all feedback appreciated.


Your wife doesn't work and resents any family other than her. What exactly does this woman do all day? Does she assume all household chores? Does she take care of your mother?

I would ask why you have stayed with this woman, I can't call her your wife, other than in the legal sense, for 12 years but you said you were drinking until two years ago.

I doubt this woman would go to MC but get yourself some IC to see why you are putting up with this. Also, speak with a shark-like divorce attorney to find out your rights and responsibilities. Since you have been married over ten years, she would be entitled to some alimony (about five years' worth) given she isn't working. *NOT* saying you have to divorce, just asking what are you getting out of this marriage.

IamSomebody


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## relicmeister (Jan 12, 2015)

UMP said:


> Relicmeister,
> It seems people on TAM are quick to say, "pull the plug." The fact of the matter is, life is difficult and we ALL have problems, IMO. If it's getting too much for you, sit down calmly and tell her that she is destroying your marriage with her abuse. Tell her she needs to change. I know it's possible, because I have changed without formal counseling. I think the key is communication. "IF" she cares about the relationship, she CAN and will change. I'm living proof.
> I was verbally abusive, OCD, depressed, angry, you name it. I realized I was destroying the marriage and changed myself. It took about 1 year.
> Now, you may say to yourself, "he says he's changed but I bet he has not." My wife tells me regularly that she is amazed at the change I have made and is happy as a clam. Well, as happy as a clam can be in this messed up world.



There has been much evolution in our relationship, as I mentioned I was a high functioning alcoholic for the first 10 years and sober the last 2- maybe one reason why I accepted her
abusiveness till now. She has evolved also, although never cared
to work stating it would just go to my kids and not us.I gave financial support after legally required like college but with great
opposition from her-very stressful. Now that support like that is over she says she wants to go to work.my point is I want to give 
her a limited opportunity to change her behavior too.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

This should be in the Considering Divorce or Separation section.

Because you should be.


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## relicmeister (Jan 12, 2015)

IamSomebody said:


> Your wife doesn't work and resents any family other than her. What exactly does this woman do all day? Does she assume all household chores? Does she take care of your mother?
> 
> I would ask why you have stayed with this woman, I can't call her your wife, other than in the legal sense, for 12 years but you said you were drinking until two years ago.
> 
> ...


 Hasn;t worked due to her resentments over my parental obligations and justifies it by saying I earn enough, which is true in barest sense but we could own a house if she were working. Now that those oblgations have ended she claims to start searching for a job,we;ll see. She does housechores but I do also, she does care for my mother quite well except rants to me
about her, and I do the messy work in caringv for her. She used to live with my sister,but she wanted her to live with me once her health required more work, and cost as she siphoned off her SS. Nursing homes not an option-she's best off with me in spite
of my wifes attitude. It may be hard for someone else to see how or why I would put up with my marriage, they don't see that things aren't all bad. The varbal abuse varies considerably,
and we do normal married people stuff too. We shop, eat out, 
go on hikes, go fishing, she fully supports my metal detecting hobby as it began soon after I stopped drinking and has been an immensely healthy outlet for me. Not an excuse, but she suffered
abuse in her early years and her mother and brother hollared
at her all the time ( where she learned the behavior) and she has
mood swings and health issues which she is getting addressed.
I'm not ready to throw in the towel, I;m just ready to stand up to it!.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

The next time she says something hurtful, say, "I feel hurt when I hear that." Not angrily, just genuinely.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ChristianGrey said:


> She is bitter at something you did or didn't.
> 
> She could also be bitter at something else in her life but somehow she blames you for it.
> 
> ...


I hope this is some kind of sick joke. No, women do not like verbal abuse. There is not such thing a "quality verbal abuse".


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

relicmeister said:


> No. I used to go (*when I was still drinking)


You are an alcoholic, in recovery I guess.

What kind of counseling have you gotten for yourself. 

Living with an alcoholic is the pits. Did your wife to go Al Anon or get any other kind of help for her?


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

I think OP should not put blame on wife as the emotional abuser. 

She cares for kids n home n a sick MIL n an alcoholic husband. 

She's is one neglected by husband 

Thus become bitter n bag then yell when no changes by the man 

She need court to get you to provide son's college fee. My goodness!!!! I'm sure any woman will be bitter

Be a man 

Do your duty


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

tripad said:


> I think OP should not put blame on wife as the emotional abuser.
> 
> She cares for kids n home n a sick MIL n an alcoholic husband.
> 
> ...


Since when is college fee ANY parents responsibility? 

OP said the kids are grown up.......and I'm not exactly sure where you are getting "neglected by the husband part.....

Also, she needs to be a woman and do HER duty (like......say......get a job, do things around the house while she looks for a job........and REGARDLESS how bad the husband may be, stop the verbal/emotional ABUSE).


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## ChristianGrey (Nov 27, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> I hope this is some kind of sick joke. No, women do not like verbal abuse. There is not such thing a "quality verbal abuse".


OK, they don't like it. 

But sometimes, some do need it, i.e. someone talking some sense into them when they are being unreasonable and taking undue advantage.

Or maybe its only good when some government goons in uniforms do it to some unruly plebs.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

I don't find labels like "emotionally abusive spouse" useful -- I think they're a dodge. It's like you're saying "ok, now I have a diagnosis for my wife, so I can sit here and feel like the vindicated victim. Now there's a word for the **** I put up with." It doesn't actually help anything -- the relevant questions are not "is she abusive" but "do I want to put up with her or not?" "do I want to stay or leave?" "is this something I can mitigate and work with or is it too terrible to deal with?"


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

I’m also curious how you react when she is yelling at you.

My wife was quite abusive, and still gets that way from time to time. The old me tried to pacify. The results essentially were that I trained her that sort of yelling results in me being overly attentive, sweet, and doing stuff she’s complaining about. Hence it just got worse because I was rewarding that sort of behavior.

So now, I’ve got boundaries. It is ok for her to be mad and call me out on it. I’ll even validate it for her and apologize when I do feel I screwed up. But to go off on a rampage and blow it up gets much different reactions from me than the old pacifier; she can go too far and I’ve made it clear where that line is. 

Essentially, you have to make that approach a very unsavory thing to do… whatever works for you, but I used her ‘native tongue’ of attacking back rather than defending. When it becomes consistent, there is no need to do it a lot more; You can just fire a warning shot that she is approaching the boundary. At that point, it is her choice whether she wants to cool down and talk, or commence the fight. I can handle either, but obviously prefer a discussion/solution rather than a pointless fight.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

DoF said:


> Since when is college fee ANY parents responsibility?



Legally yes, depending on the state some parents can be forced to pay for adult children's post-secondary education. 

Divorced N.J. parents ordered to pay for estranged daughter's college tuition | NJ.com


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

First, having a disabled inlaw is ENORMOUSLY STRESSFUL. Your post did not ask the obvious, DID YOU ASK IF MOM COULD MOVE IN or tell her. I lived with a disabled inlaw for 4 years, it was hard, much harder on my wife, but she asked and told me if it was a problem we could make other arrangements. 

Metal detecting is quirky, I'm sorry. 

She may be a nasty *****, but I think you should talk to her, and try to see what's bothering her. And do start trying to do the things women like- going to nice restaurants, interesting weekends, gatherings with friends, your dressing nicely. Then if you give it a shot and it doesn't work, call it a day. If she is reasonably pleasant to your mom, then perhaps she does have some goodness and is simply angry.


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## Pooh Bear (Dec 28, 2014)

relicmeister said:


> Hasn;t worked due to her resentments over my parental obligations and justifies it by saying I earn enough, which is true in barest sense but we could own a house if she were working. Now that those oblgations have ended she claims to start searching for a job,we;ll see. She does housechores but I do also, she does care for my mother quite well except rants to me
> about her, and I do the messy work in caringv for her. She used to live with my sister,but she wanted her to live with me once her health required more work, and cost as she siphoned off her SS. Nursing homes not an option-she's best off with me in spite
> of my wifes attitude. It may be hard for someone else to see how or why I would put up with my marriage, they don't see that things aren't all bad. The varbal abuse varies considerably,
> and we do normal married people stuff too. We shop, eat out,
> ...


Of course. The abuse isn't bad all the time. Which is what you cling to, I'm assuming. Is she abusive to your mother as well? Is she willing to get help for her behavior?


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## Pooh Bear (Dec 28, 2014)

ChristianGrey said:


> OK, they don't like it.
> 
> But sometimes, some do need it, i.e. someone talking some sense into them when they are being unreasonable and taking undue advantage.
> 
> Or maybe its only good when some government goons in uniforms do it to some unruly plebs.


That's really sexist. I'm sure you wouldn't say the same thing about men. What do men deserve when they are "being unreasonable and taking undue advantage?" Similar treatment or is that their right because they are men? Or is it just women who do that? Men are pristine creatures who never do anything wrong?

I would say if someone is unreasonable all the time and taking advantage of you you just reconsider that relationship. Abuse is never ok. But we all should be setting boundaries with each other. That is a healthy part of a relationship. But it needs to be done in a healthy way. Abuse is not healthy.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ChristianGrey said:


> She is bitter at something you did or didn't.
> 
> She could also be bitter at something else in her life but somehow she blames you for it.
> 
> ...





EleGirl said:


> I hope this is some kind of sick joke. No, women do not like verbal abuse. There is not such thing a "quality verbal abuse".





ChristianGrey said:


> OK, they don't like it.
> 
> But sometimes, some do need it, i.e. someone talking some sense into them when they are being unreasonable and taking undue advantage.


There some men who are also unreasonable and taking undue advantage. Would you say that a woman should put her foot down and give him some quality verbal abuse?

There is never an acceptable justification for verbal abuse. If a person is being unreasonable and will not address it, then leave them.



EleGirl said:


> Or maybe its only good when some government goons in uniforms do it to some unruly plebs.


I have no idea what the above is about.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> There some men who are also unreasonable and taking undue advantage. Would you say that a woman should put her foot down and give him some quality verbal abuse?


:rofl:


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