# Need To Hear Some Advice...as I'm clueless right now...



## Wut2Do (Oct 17, 2010)

I've read every heading to every section of the site, and this is the best spot I think to put my story for which I need advice, or some amount of direction.

So, onto my dilemma...

My wife and I met each other in 2004, so almost 6 1/2 years ago. We lived together for 4 of the 5 years we dated. We got engaged and then obviously were planning on getting married. We found out that she was pregnant about a month before the wedding. Great news, just the worst possible time. 

I had just had a company I did business with commit serious fraud (lawsuits still pending) which nearly bankrupt me and also required me to break my apartment lease, and many other things. I decided that this would be the best time to go back to school, as I wanted to finish my undergrad. The cost of living where I wanted to go to school is dirt cheap compared to the big city I was in at the time. I had no idea how I would make money nor any other pertinent details at the time. All I knew was that we needed to move so that we can move forward in our lives in the best possible manner.

Yes we could have stayed where we were, but I wasn't about to put us in 100k of school debt so that we could stay where we were. My wife ended up wanting to go to school in the city where we had just broken our lease (4 month fast track career program), so that she would have the education that she wanted before the baby came. Great. Fantastic. Except that I won't see her but fall break, thanksgiving break, and then once she's done before Christmas. Sucks, but I said, if that's what you really want to do let's do it. It'll be tough, but I know we can handle it. We did it, believe me, a very pregnant wife, living out of state, 2 trains to get to class in the middle of winter is not exactly what I call easy. We had our beautiful son the day after Christmas. Now life has changed drastically.

She doesn't really like where we are living at all, not the apartment, but the city/area. I keep telling her that this is just a stepping stone for our future. Please understand that a few years of hard work is a small sacrifice to live where we want to for the rest of our lives! She agrees but eventually goes back to her sadness. I think she may suffer from Postpartum Depression. 

Anyways, continuing on. After being on the brink of bankruptcy, I worked my butt of when she wasn't here to build my new business up to what it is today. I in the beginning was working 60hrs / week outside of class and wasn't making a penny. Now...I'm usually clocking at least 25-35+ Billable hours / week plus contract work on the side with my clients. Doing this while going to school full time (Computer Science Major with a minor in Math and Physics), is damn hard, not to mention I get all A's and B's. I'm forced to take 15 cr. hours this semester, after doing 16hrs last semester and 5 hrs in the summer. I'm doing all of this so that we can move early.

Now here's where the part comes in that I just can't get over. She is very depressed and has a lot of anxiety because she feels that I don't help enough, that she doesn't feel that I can take care of our now almost 10 mo. old son, etc. etc. I know that I can. I know that if I have to, it's not rocket science, that I can figure it out. I keep telling her that my time is so limited while going to school, and that my work comes home with me on top of school work, that we need to focus on us being together to the weekends, I can only really focus on them then anyways. 

I will say that I am guilty though of not acknowledging them as much as I should. I have so much on my mind all of the time right now. It's not because I don't love them, it's just that I know I'm over worked, and always under pressure to complete assignments for school and study, as well as take care of my clients. I just need to find a way to appropriately take care of my family better and give them the time that they deserve. 

I feel that this isn't forever, as the rest of my school only requires 12-13cr. hours per semester. I would even go an extra semester and cut those two down to say 7-8 cr. hours, but the attitude she gives me and body language isn't worth it in my opinion. She makes me feel like I should stop working on everything when I'm home with them to focus on them. I've talked to her about this numerous times, and she tells me this isn't the case, but imo her body language says differently, not to mention she's been crying a lot lately. 

I unfortunately can't just drop things that I'm working on...I want all A's and B's, and I feel that Food on the table and paying off our debt is extremely important for us. Not to mention I'll have more doors open to us the better I do in school and business.

I've told her that I feel we need to go and talk to a psychiatrist, and she hasn't said no...but I still would like to get some informal advice from anyone out there.

I really feel like our relationship will go one of two ways, either better, or ultimately she'll get fed up with this before it's over(1 more year from mid-december), and call it quits...

Thanks...


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

It seems as though you are looking for balance. Perhaps a therapist is the right way to go. Also, it seems that you and your wife may have different goals. You definitely have goals for the future. Does your wife even have goals at this point?

I was once in a similar situation. I graduated from college a couple of years ahead of my estranged husband. However, we didn't have any children at the time. That would have been tough! My husband's curriculum was very involved, so he was busy every evening too. We really needed the money, so I took a second job in the evenings. Then, we had together time on the weekends. I wondering if your wife would be more content to take a part-time job (& find a sitter). Or perhaps you could take less hours in school. You need to find time to spend with your wife and son. He isn't going to be little for long; you may have regrets on what you missed. These are things you and your wife need to work out. It's all about balance.


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## Wut2Do (Oct 17, 2010)

Thanks for the reply...I am looking for balance...but at the same time knowing that she's not overly excited about living where we are, keeps her always somewhat unhappy with our circumstances...it's not to say that I can't find time, let's face it, I make my own schedule for work...it's really more the school that takes so much time as all of it's new material that I must understand and learn. And I know that extending my school an extra semester wouldn't exactly make her overly joyed.

I definitely make plenty of money for us to live on and still save enough at the end of the month. She currently has the ability to work from home at $15/hr whenever she has time for a family members business in another state...our son though, has kept her extremely occupied the last few months due to teething and crawling..so she can only get to that work maybe 1-2 times a month. She doesn't feel comfortable with babysitters yet, which I agree with as well.

I think that having a therapist help us find the balance with some mediation will hopefully help us resolve this ongoing conflict..


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## avenrandom (Sep 13, 2010)

Also a computer science major, with another year from mid-December to go. Up until this quarter I was an A student, but without a doubt my marriage was suffering due to the amount of time I spent studying new concepts / languages. My school is being paid for via MGIB, and she works as well. My lack of free time and ability to give her attention drove her to make some friends from work, who unfortunately have been terrible influences on her. I had to make a choice; Continue doing well in all of my classes while not giving her the attention she needs (which gives her more time to interact with these "friends" of hers), or cut back my study / homework time to make time for her.

I asked myself where my priorities really lie... What good am I as a provider if I ruin my marriage in the process and have nobody but myself to provide for? Also, I noticed that our communication time was going way up due to the issues all of this was causing. This quarter I am looking at A's and B's because of all the extra time I am spending with her, but I feel perfectly fine with it. Just two nights ago I had to tell her that my cutting back will put me in school for an extra quarter, and the conversation was all of two minutes long. She honestly didn't care, because she saw how much extra time she was getting with me out of the deal.

While my white-board is filled with software design, I always leave her a note in the morning on it. We take time to look at when my homework is due for the week, and we make at least two scheduled date-nights. If my lunch at school falls at the same time as hers, we meet up, even if it's only for 20mins eating lunchables in the car. The balance for me was simply putting her before school, even if that means I get less sleep, less study time, or lower grades. Ask me last year and I would have given the same argument about providing, proving myself etc. etc., but now I don't see any other way of doing it. We are both reaping the benefits of the extra time together.


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## pokergirl007 (Mar 17, 2010)

She wants time... and a schedule she can depend on. Find whatever time you can, the same time every day or every other day be it ten minutes or an hour - during the week and in that time forget about everything else and focus 100% on them with the understanding from her that the rest of the time you are busting your ass trying to make it better for them. She just wants to know, to feel that you still see them. Reassure her that you do. Good Luck


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## Wut2Do (Oct 17, 2010)

Thanks for the advice everyone...I would seriously extend my school by 1 semester, but I know that this won't make her happy at all...

I try and spend at least 1 day a week uninterrupted with my wife and son...and at least 1 hour a day with them, unless I have mid-terms or finals...I feel though that the small sacrifices we're making are pale in comparison to sacrifices many others have made, and that are far more difficult...


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