# feeling sad



## bab123 (Dec 9, 2010)

I texted a friend(I call it one way texting/calling) She considers me her friend yet never bothers to give me a call or text. I am the one who does it. I basically said, my friends don't seem to have time for me, even the one that I have known for over 30 years. I have known this one for four years.
She came back that she has been waaaay busy getting things together this summer, and she does not have time for full time friendships with anybody.(nothing personal) and on top of that we are in two different stages of our lives. I am 54, she is 29.
I really wanted to text her back with a snarky, "yeah, I guess I should stick to people my own age". I didn't tho
Really tho, I liked her very much, and thought we could be best of pals, but the signals Im getting tell me otherwise. Should I wait it out and be patient during this busy period of her life, or is that it.?
Im feeling really blue because I don't click with people that often. And I feel like I just lost a friend. Im feeling alone.


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## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

She might be busy, she might not be that bothered, those are realistic. Don't allow yourself to get too fretted about things you can't possibly know. 
If you don't hear from her, try again sometime in the next few days and if you don't hear just don't get too het up. Find something else to occupy your mind. Other interests, other people are out there. I DO know what you mean, in case you think I'm ranting on. I'm early 50s and have few friends and find it all too easy to beat myself up about acquantanceships that don't progress or whatever. There are other people out there and besides, what's wrong with you just enjoying your own company? 
Sorry this might not help, I recognise where you're coming from. Just have a think about what I've said.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Women often say things that are hurtful not even realizing how bad it may sound on the receiving end. Maybe you caught her in a bad moment. Hopefully. But intuition is nothing to stick our noses up at, if you feel she is pushing you away, being subtle in her responses, she could be. 

I think it is best you didn't send the text back to her, it likely would have put a wedge there. It is sometimes very hard to NOT react when we get hurt , feel slighted, we want to defend ourselves, but best to stay calm, realize this will only escalate a situation that may push her FURTHER away. And if you really like this person, you don't want to go there "unnecessarily". 

*Better to test the waters for now*. And try not to beat yourself up too much ,whether she is too busy, or if she is just not up for a closer relationship. At this point , she left a message to you in response of YOUR missing her & feeling alone, even if it was a little of a "pulling at the heart strings" message. A good friend will understand moments like that. 

If she does NOT get back to you, I would not bother with her again. Leave the ball in her court. There is nothing worse than trying to hang on to something where the other person has less interest than you. A level playing feild is good for all involved. 

Does she have kids? 
Does she work? 
Is she very close with her husband? 
What is her hobbies? 


People who want to keep friends need to show themselves friendly, I get busy too, with 6 kids, alot of scheduling and I generally do most everything with my husband, I am not the type to hang with the girls, but I still value my friends, sometimes I have to push myself & say "hey, I need to call her today" - keep watering the friendship or I might find myself friendless. I don't want that ! 

It is true that sometimes one person may have higher hopes for a closer connection than another one has, and it is very hard on the one who is feeling rejected. 

Can you give some idea how often you call/text her? and when you do call /text, is she generally happy to hear from you , and talk awhile happily? 

There are so many people in this big world to find another who you can share talks & tea with. Do you go to Church? Are you involved in any community projects, volunteering, hobbies ? 

Just some thoughts. I am a junkie for a good book about any issue I am dealing with, amazon has many about Friendships of women -how to deal with the hurts, the sadness, pick ourselves up and move on if we have too. Many fish in the sea -even in female friendships. 

Amazon.com: When Friendship Hurts: How to Deal with Friends Who Betray, Abandon, or Wound You (9780743211451): Jan Yager: Books


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

I like both madimoff's and SA's advice. 

Bab,

Sometimes some people have a lot of acquaintances, but they don't have any close ones! 

Nowadays people are so busy with their own lives, they have little time to think about others. 

And from the age difference you mentioned, I guess your age still value keeping in touch a lot, your friend's generation doesn't anymore! 

When you deal with people, very likely you will get hurt and become disappointed, even your closest friends can disappoint you sometimes, if we do want long lasting friendship, the only thing we can do is by being more understanding and forgiving.


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## bab123 (Dec 9, 2010)

She is single, no children, getting ready to go back to school. 
I don't call/text very often. Maybe once a week. I think she is glad to hear from me.
I lost a group of friends who I thought really cared about me, because they took sides with someone in the group. She met them, and knows how incredibly hurt I was by the experience. My trust was just shattered. Its hard for me to go 
out and just make new friends. I don't find people I click with very often. Its a rare occurance. So losing friends is hard on 
me. 
When I text her last week, she told me she had just come home from a lunch date. So she doesn't want to be in an involved friendship right now, doesn't have time for me yet goes out on a lunch date?
Enjoy my own company??? I have enjoyed TOO much of my own company. Im sick and tired of being around my husband. 
He has been out of work for the last almost 3 years. He is NOT my friggin best friend right now. I spend too much time cooped up with him. Get up, go to work, come home, make dinner, watch tv, go to bed. Thats my life. I hate it!
My friends made life better. 
Sorry if this sounds horrible, but NO I don't want to volunteer or do community service.


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## bab123 (Dec 9, 2010)

Im sorry, I didn't mean to be so intense. Im just not a happy person right now. Thank you all for replying to my post.


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## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

bab123 said:


> She is single, no children, getting ready to go back to school.
> I don't call/text very often. Maybe once a week. I think she is glad to hear from me.
> I lost a group of friends who I thought really cared about me, because they took sides with someone in the group. She met them, and knows how incredibly hurt I was by the experience. My trust was just shattered. Its hard for me to go
> out and just make new friends. I don't find people I click with very often. Its a rare occurance. So losing friends is hard on
> ...


You didn't come over as intense, you came over as unhappy - but not so much with your friend as your relationship with your husband. 
Being forced to spend time on your own is not necessarily the same as enjoying your own company, or finding things you might enjoy doing on your own. For their own sake. What made you happy in your 20s? 30s? 40s? Was there one interest or various interests you've often thought about revisiting? 
You may again think this is way wide of the mark but you have focussed on being 'rejected' by this girl and obviously have reasons to feel nervous about female friendships at the moment however I still think if you can take your focus away from her and back on you there's a better chance you'll prioritise your feelings differently. 
If you're fed up at home, speak to him about it. If there's a problem with that, post on TAM: loads of good people who could help! Do you go out to work? Maybe, even if money isn't the main focus, that would be an idea, even part time? 
fwiw: for me texting a friend once a week would actually be quite frequent, we each work to different 'limits'.
To emphasise, I do actually understand most of the emotions you describe about trust, rarely clicking with people, etc - just don't hang everything on this one girl. What's an 'involved friendship'? Why shouldn't she go on a lunch date? ??


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

bab123 said:


> She is single, no children, getting ready to go back to school.
> I don't call/text very often. Maybe once a week. I think she is glad to hear from me.
> I lost a group of friends who I thought really cared about me, because they took sides with someone in the group. She met them, and knows how incredibly hurt I was by the experience. My trust was just shattered. Its hard for me to go
> out and just make new friends. I don't find people I click with very often. Its a rare occurance. So losing friends is hard on
> ...


Bab,

I don't know what happened to your old friends. You mentioned that they chose to side with this other friend and they all left you! 

Having some good friends can bring us a lot of joy in life, but dealing with people can also be stressful. For example, you had good time with these old friends, but then something bad happened, and now you are feeling sad. 

I am sure it happens this girl understands your hurt and pain, so you find a lot of comfort from talking to her. But I don't know if she enjoys all the conversation with you! 

I have to point out, people in general, they like to talk about themselves, they like to feel that others understand them, they like it when others are interested in them. 

Next time if you do meet her, try asking her about her life, try letting her talk about her, try showing interest in her life, you might see her eyes lighten up and she will have a great time with you!


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

madimoff said:


> Being forced to spend time on your own is not necessarily the same as enjoying your own company, or finding things you might enjoy doing on your own.


Agree!

Reading can bring us a lot of enjoyment and fulfillment! 

I wish I had a yard, so I could plant flowers and vegetables, I am sure that can be very interesting. 

Watching movies, listening to music, cooking, cleaning, they are all fun to me! 

killing time on TAM is very fulfilling too!


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

bab123 said:


> When I text her last week, she told me she had just come home from a lunch date. So she doesn't want to be in an involved friendship right now, doesn't have time for me yet goes out on a lunch date?


 It is very clear that this friend has other friends that she is allowing time for, this is likely what hurts you the most, kinda like HIgh school days all over again. 

It can be very hard for some people to go out & make friends, if you are of a quieter temperment and very sensitive with many hurts in the past, the harder that can be. I had a woman friend like this, she was in my MOps group, she latched on to me because I am friendly with everyone, we went out a few times but I ended up hurting her because I think she wanted more of my time than I was able or wanting to give. She also didn't like her husband & most of our talkings revolved around this or other people not liking her. I must admit this was draining to me. 

From all you have shared, it seems this friend is pushing you away, because once a week, if just a TEXT, does not seem at all obsessive to me. I don't text my friends, we talk on the phone or FB. More than once a week for sure. 

And yes, this is a hard pill to swallow for you right now. This is why I feel you should wait on her to get back to you, or wait for a Holiday , birthday , send a card, if she doesn't get back. As difficult as it is, if she does not reach out to you - she is NOT a friend worth pursuing, no matter how good you thought it was or how much you felt 'it clicked'. Even the best of us have gone through this, it is a common relationship hurt. Really.

She has to feel some measure of the same or you will always be striving in this relationship. There needs to be give & take on both sides, this is healthy, it makes us feel good, valued. 

It is similar to love & romance, We can't make someone else like us or enjoy us -no matter how much we Like them. It has to flow from them. Or we need to pick ourselves up & move on. 

The best you can possibly do -in the meantime -brush up on some relationship skills for those in your life now, even the husband, and those you will meet. Like Madimoff said, post on TAM about the marriage issues , can't hurt. 

Do you have other women to talk too , do you have Facebook friends, it not , make an account, start posting. 

I love what Greenpearl said about *asking questions *- being interested in our friends, their lives, thier kids, knowing their interests and pulling MORE out of them. Be engaging, a good listener. It is very very true, when others are interested in us, it makes us feel loved, spikes our enthusiam up and it generally (or should) makes us want to know more about them too, getting their opionion on things ! So the give & take begins, and you grow together. Maybe all of that was going on for you , I don't know -just saying. Please do not think I am singling you out by saying ANY of these things here, becaues I am not. 

Then there are some cases where poeple just think they are BETTER than you, they have more money, their lifesyle is superior, they feel you was left in Hillbilly land or something & you can't relate, they are more MORAL than you, smarter than you, things like that. 

I just had a run in with some home schooling ladies at my own house, my own party for goodness sakes -where I put my foot in my mouth in thier holy presence and I know they think they are "better" than me, at least one of them. I believe they liked me alot , we had FUN, laughing up a storm in those moments ! Then after the party, one of these ladies sends me a FB message letting me know she retracts some of the things she said & makes me feel like I am immoral somehow, her words accually crushed me, a deflating and here I was thinking we had a great time. (I guess her conscience got to her).

OK, I get it . Do I really want to hang with her after that . NOT REALLY. Can I say that didn't hurt, of coarse not, I even cried over it ! But after thinking about this for a few days, why am I really so bothered, this woman feels she is superier to me, a better Mother, more moral - which if we compare our children, not the case at all, or at least we are even. 

She is , in fact, NOT my cup of tea , after learning more about her & she showing me that side of her. We need to be able to BE ourselves, our whole selves with people (in a respectful manner of coarse) and if they don't like us, heck, who really is missing out ?? She is not going to miss me, she thinks she is better than me . For me to waste another moment pining over her, this is wasting my life. Other friendly fish in the sea who enjoys my brand of humor & things we enjoy -without judgement. 

If you can feel this way when others snub their noses, it will be easier to move on. 

Just some of my own thougths from one of my experiences over the past week dealing with women. Give me men anyday. Our Guy friend is coming to visit tonight, I enjoy him alot more !


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## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> It is very clear that this friend has other friends that she is allowing time for, this is likely what hurts you the most, kinda like HIgh school days all over again.
> 
> It can be very hard for some people to go out & make friends, if you are of a quieter temperment and very sensitive with many hurts in the past, the harder that can be. I had a woman friend like this, she was in my MOps group, she latched on to me because I am friendly with everyone, we went out a few times but I ended up hurting her because I think she wanted more of my time than I was able or wanting to give. She also didn't like her husband & most of our talkings revolved around this or other people not liking her. I must admit this was draining to me.
> 
> ...



I hope OP reads and re-reads your post, SA; heartfelt and worth considering. (maybe the very final couple of sentences could be questioned - not all women are dodgy!) but good writing.:smthumbup:


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## bab123 (Dec 9, 2010)

The last time we went out for coffee, I asked her about her family, and her plans for continuing her education. As for FB, I once had an account, and I didn't like it at all. It wasn't my cup of tea. 
What does it mean when someone says "I like you as a person"?.
It almost sounds like there should be a "but" in there somewere.


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## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

bab123 said:


> The last time we went out for coffee, I asked her about her family, and her plans for continuing her education. As for FB, I once had an account, and I didn't like it at all. It wasn't my cup of tea.
> What does it mean when someone says "I like you as a person"?.
> It almost sounds like there should be a "but" in there somewere.


It's hard to know what to say. You seem slightly stilted in how you describe your communication with her..... asking about her family and education isn't the same as saying 'we had a good old chat and I know we share xx and yy and we had a great laugh about zz ' ... if I was trying to make friends with someone I had a gut feeling there was a connection with, I'd be asking about all the things that mean something to ME, but in relation to HER. Making HER feel the centre of attention. Showing a real interest. 
Don't worry too much about Facebook, not everyone gets on with it (me neither) but it is a useful tool to add to the armoury. As to 'I like you as a person' - well I'm afraid to me that almost sounds as though she thinks you're interested in her romantically but she wants to put you straight. Is there any chance she might have thought that?


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

madimoff said:


> I hope OP reads and re-reads your post, SA; heartfelt and worth considering. (maybe the very final couple of sentences could be questioned - not all women are dodgy!) but good writing.:smthumbup:


I know this, truly I do, don't mean to step on women's toes here. ha ha. 

I have about 3 treasured female friends , I can rely on them, take anything to them, can be my outrageous self around them, flaws & all & they still keep coming back for more. And a 4th one that gets mad at me, dumps me over being jealous over something (last 2 times over friends), makes up with me, gets mad agiain, she is mad at this moment. She has issues, known her since birth. I know she will come around again. And she knows I will gladly accept her. She is alot of fun. I miss her even, at least she is not Mrs Judgemental, she just gets mad easy. Ha ha We all have our flaws I guess. 



The Old line ..."I like you as a person"- sounds pretty flat and drab to me. Is it at all possible she might think you are Bi-sexual or something. I mean, it is getting popular today for women to like women, so who knows what might be going through another's mind. If she really thinks THAT, it might explain her distance some. 

Let me give you the line I got -that lady who was judging me with her FB message , I sent her a reply with 5 fingers pointing back to myself -as to not defend myself (after all opening up about your private secret sins to a bunch of evengelical Christians was truly ASSININE on my part ) so I was very humble & she writes back " I think that you are a nice person and so is your husband. Your kids are great! We can all learn lessons from our exeriences"

When someone tells you are a 'nice person", to me it is like getting a "dear John letter" something about the relationship is failing. Maybe she thinks I am still "nice" but she still thinks she is better. Just words, trying to make herself not look bad after her judgement. 

How often do people REALLY say what they mean? NOt much, we try to spare the other , if not to hurt them, but to make ourselves NOT look bad. It is usually both of this in our communication, so we have to read between the lines. 

This is why I personally have MORE respect for those who are direct, NICENESS can be very subtle and FAKE. 

Facebook ain't so bad, you don't have to play all those silly games, I ignore every one of them. Just making an account , you don't have to even do much with it . Maybe someone from your past might want to look you up, an old girlfriend. Might just brighten your day. I rarely even post on mine, I am much more into anonymous forums, alot more interesting talk on here -where you can let it all hang out, help someone else, and if someone gets upset with you here, it really isn't a big deal.


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## bab123 (Dec 9, 2010)

I can't win for losing. You guys tell me to ask about her and what she is up to, I did, and then Im told thats not good enough. Thats not the only thing we talked about at coffee. Who said we didn't have a good laugh or two?


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Bab123 - where do you feel you should go from here ? 

If you feel a connection with her, I don't doubt you are having a good time over coffee, we would have to write a book to relay all the dymancis of communication going on. 

Let me ask you this- who suggests getting together? Is it ever her? And does she ever say to you "Hey, lets go here someday, lets do that" leading you to believe she is invested in the friendship as well ? 

Just trying to get a gauge on how you should reach out to her again or let her go, let her come to you the next time around. (I would look at it as a test) 

Do you feel that is wrong? If you have been the primary GIVER in this friendship, I think it is time to allow her to set the bar of what she is comfortable with, then you will have a real answer, instead of words or guesses. 

Can you tell me what the problem was with the other group of friends that turned their back on you -because of a disagreement ? It is common for friends to go through things, did anyone try to make amends in that situation , and why a GROUP of them? DId any of them reach out to talk it over with you? I am curious what the problem was, and who was at fault, if you are willing to share. 

You mentioned this friend knows them, how you was hurt by them. Does that mean she was fully on your side in the matter - Does she also talk to them ? If so , any idea if they may be influencing her in any way.


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## bab123 (Dec 9, 2010)

She suggested going for a walk once, but it never happened because of conflicts in scheduling. When it came to meeting for coffee, I am the one who usually asked if she wanted to meet.
She seemed happy to get together.
Yes, she was on my side. She said she knew how I felt because the same thing happened to her. No she doesn't talk to them. She hasn't talked to them in a long time.
It had to do with my best friend moving and not telling me were, but letting every one else know. Making me believe at first that they didn't know where either. Here's how the conversation went with with one of them. "You new all along were **** went didn't you. Do I have stupid written on my forehead??". Her: "yeah I did, so what?" "How could you do that to me?" Her: "Why do you want to find someone who doesn't want to be found." She then labeled me a stalker.
I felt very betrayed and hurt. Haven't spoken to any of them since. Not one of them has made contact with me or made ammends. The one I spoke with wasn't sorry in the least about what she did.
Friends shouldn't be putting other friends in the middle and making them choose. But they do.
My "best friend" the gutless wonder couldn't to come to me and talk to me about it.(the one who pulled the dissapearing act).


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## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

If someone i thought I was close to moved home and then upfront made a comment about not wanting to be found, I agree it would be hurtful and I agree I would be really fretting about wanting to know more. But maybe you know what's behind it anyway? Not judging, just guessing. Then the new friend actually knows the circumstances, or part of them anyway, yet isn't over-keen on getting close. If you were giving a friend advice about your situation, what would you tell them?


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Alot of hurtful back biting going on with those other friends. I would never do that to someone I called my friend unless she was a threat in some way- to me or my family . Even if she called too much I would just get caller ID, ya know. 

It was best you left that group of friends for sure, as for whatever reasons, they had no desire to make ammends. 

That is pretty much my point in all of this- try to hang with people who like you, who find value in you, who show this to you in little consistent ways. There had to have been SIGNS that you missed from these women, that group of friends , to have them just TURN on you like that, so coldly & heartlessly. 

If you are a genuinely friendly & an enjoyable woman, you CAN make new friends. Some of us are out of the box in some ways, we feel like a square peg trying to fit in a round hole, don't knock yourself out trying to hang with round holers, ya know. It is like beating your head against a wall.

I was watching VH1 this morning & caught Pinks new video -was thinking of this thread. The middle part is a little sick & intense (after all this is PINK!) but great song, even inspirational, let the words penetrate you today. 

‪P!nk - Perfect‬‏ - YouTube


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## bab123 (Dec 9, 2010)

yeah, thats just the thing. I felt like I found a group of friends who excepted me for who I was. When I was with them, I could let my hair down and be myself. People who I thought would be my friends for a long time. I thought they valued me as there friend. 
Thanks everyone for your input. I really value what you have to say. You have given me a lot to think about.


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## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

Bab, just so you know... and you possibly don't need to know this right now.... but your post has got at least one of US cogitating too! (works both ways) ... good luck, hope to hear from you again


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## Lynn2002 (Jun 20, 2011)

I really enjoyed reading this post! I go through the same thing!! I live in a cul-de-sac and everyone seems to be best buds. We all have kids the same age so as the kids play together the moms and dads chit chat, etc. But when it comes to being invited over for BBQ's, etc. My husband and I don't get asked. We chit chat and do parties with them - I host an easter egg hunt every year and we go to a neighbors labor day party, etc. We aren't completely excluded, but when it comes to one-on-one get togethers or outings we don't seem to be invited. It hurts so much!!! And it's even WORSE when my kids see other kids playing and we aren't included. BUT I just keep telling myself that they have the right to be friends with anyone and some times I choose to spend my time with one friend over another etc. But boy does it hurt sometimes!!!

I also have a friend who wants 24/7 attention and when I don't give it to her she pouts and doesn't reach out to me at all. I have to try to reach out to her at least once a week just to keep the line of communication open because she can be fun to hang with sometimes. 

Then I have friends I don't talk to for 6 months or so and we are like family!!! Nothing upsets us - we just know that we have busy lives, etc.

I always wondered if I am in the wrong with us not being SO CLOSE to our neighbors. But you know - my husband and I work full time and don't drink and chit chat easliy with others. We have home cooked meals everynight with our kids. So I guess I can see what we aren't in the loop with the others. It's just hard sometimes.

I hope responding makes some sense. I just wanted you to know that I read all these posts and appreciated seeing others deal with friends coming and going. 

Bab - I hope you can find other friends to hang with! And perhaps just keep this other friend on the back burner so the door isn't closed.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

One of my closest girlfriends has explained frienships like this ( or similar)-- she would do this better than me...if you chop a tree down and look at the stump, you will notice many circles around each other, she would tell me FRIENDS are like this..

Your closest friends, the ones who treat you like family, who you can share everything with, call all hours of the night, they have seen you at your worst & still love you, those are in the bulleye of the stump. 

Then you have other friends you see at church, at work, you confide in them but they don't see the DIRT, you at your worst, as the rings get looser & looser on that stump, so is many others - to where we would call them "acquaintences" now -not necessarily friends. 

Then we all have some SPECIAL people may come into our lives for a only a *SEASON*, they were there for us when we needed , but now they have moved on to new friends, another place, but this is OK, as we can also. 

I had a best best best girlfriend in my youth, I thought we would always be that tight, it was harder ON ME when we grew apart than her, at least I felt it was. But you know, she was there for me when I needed her the most, that season of my difficult teen years, until I met my husband/then boyfriend. I will always treasure those times, and now we have Facebook to still keep in touch, but it will NEVER be what is was. 

But this is OK. 

I think it is good to never burn bridges with friends, even if we do loose touch, they move on, yes, it hurts a little , maybe ALOT, but this world is filled with others with similar struggles as yourself. The challenge is to find them and Hook up ! 

One of my girlfriends made friends in a chat room , then they started calling each other, and she flys states away to visit this woman almost every year, met her family, her friends, everything. I thought that was a little crazy but still it happened. Once she came here & I met her. 

With the advent of the internet, I think we could find many many others like ourselves, to share and be heard & understood. Just as it is more of a playgroud for affairs (a BAD thing) , it can be a open door to many new same sex connections. (A good thing!).


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## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> One of my closest girlfriends has explained frienships like this ( or similar)-- she would do this better than me...if you chop a tree down and look at the stump, you will notice many circles around each other, she would tell me FRIENDS are like this..
> 
> Your closest friends, the ones who treat you like family, who you can share everything with, call all hours of the night, they have seen you at your worst & still love you, those are in the bulleye of the stump.
> 
> ...


I so wish this would be true, but I had(have?) a friend - a woman part of a marrried couple I initially made friends with and who I and my ex-h became very friendly with. When my ex-h and I started to split, and I became with my now partner, someone - only two possibilities, my mother (definitely a possible) and my probably best ever friend (the woman spoken of) told my ex-h a confidence that only those two knew of. It got to solicitors, you name it. Friendship pretty damned instantly lost. I guess she/they figured they were friends with both of us so the confidence wasn't a confidence. Don't know, possibly never will. But I hate that loss of a friend because she was SO close - yet so easily lost. :scratchhead:


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