# HELP !!!!!! I finally have proof !!!!!!



## rome2012 (Sep 10, 2010)

Damn, I'm shaking !!!!!

My youngest (3) got to play tanks on the computer while my husband got ready for work (shower).....

He came up here and said he messed up daddy's computer....

So I asked my husband whether I should take a look or not, but he said "Don't worry about it, I'll fix it later"....

Well, I checked anyway.....

I closed the file he had opened and clicked on the recycle bin.....just a hunch....

And sure enough....pictures of a woman in the shower....b**bs, belly and face....not professional pics....pics someone you'd meet online would send you....

I tried to copy them to my stick but it wouldn't work.....I printed them and took pictures of the screen.....

What do I do now ?????

I'm shaking so bad.....

He asked for a friendly divorce and I was going to be ok with it, even though I don't want to divorce at all.....I still love him, but I hate him right now.....I know it doesn't make sense, but....

I still don't want a divorce, but if he's going through with it, I won't make it friendly !!!!

How can I bust him.....or what do I do ?????

I don't know where my head is right now !!!!!

HELP !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## mariem1967 (Dec 1, 2010)

maybe he was just seeing pics on the net. Doesn't mean he knows that woman. Try to find more evidence so you'll be sure about his infidelity. If he was really cheating on you than you should speak to him and your lawyer too.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Speak to the lawyer, not to him!


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## rome2012 (Sep 10, 2010)

mariem1967 said:


> maybe he was just seeing pics on the net. Doesn't mean he knows that woman. Try to find more evidence so you'll be sure about his infidelity. If he was really cheating on you than you should speak to him and your lawyer too.


I know, but they've been saved to his computer .....

If he would've just looked at porn.....he wouldn't have to save it.....and if he saved the pics to get off on them why delete them ???

I don't know how to get more evidence....I can't get into his email....can't get phone records, because he's the bill payer....I've already checked with the company....

What should I say to him ????

How to approach this ???

I want to save our marriage....I believe it's "just" an EA (bad enough).....but I'd forgive him if he'd be willing to give our marriage another chance !!!!!


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## rome2012 (Sep 10, 2010)

vthomeschoolmom said:


> Speak to the lawyer, not to him!


I don't have a lawyer yet.....

Guess I have to get one now .....


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## kgregory1011 (Dec 2, 2010)

I wouldn't do anything. I know it's hard not to. 

Put everything you have found away. Let it be.

I have a friend of mine who is a private investigator. He has given me alot of advice on this matter. You don't want him to think your on to anything. If he knows you know something or if you confront him, he's going to run.

If you truly want to save your marriage, let whatever he is doing fizzle out, it will in time. 

The more you push for info the more you will push him away.

Pm me if u need to.


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## rome2012 (Sep 10, 2010)

I would love to keylogger his computer, but I'm a computer dummy and I am scared he could find it !!!!!

Any help, please ?!?!?!?!

Kgregory I PM'd you !!!!!


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## Powerbane (Nov 8, 2010)

Without actually seeing the other stuff in recycle bin - it could be crap from temp internet files that he's deleting. Yes he could be surfing porn. But thats all you've got right now. No emails or anything. 

I'd let it fizzle.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Try to calm down, that shaking is all to familiar to me. You need more, enless its the same chicks pic over and over, then you have some one. Is there any thing on the pics that will give you a direction to were they came from? Look for a file name. Do you think you can reconize the face from his work place or social circle?

Walk around his places he frequence, It could be a check out girl or waitress.


We all know, right now, he will say "its was a joke" or "I was just looking around", here's my all time favorite "we're just friends"

Stay calm and quite and connect the dots!


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## rome2012 (Sep 10, 2010)

Powerbane said:


> Without actually seeing the other stuff in recycle bin - it could be crap from temp internet files that he's deleting. Yes he could be surfing porn. But thats all you've got right now. No emails or anything.
> 
> I'd let it fizzle.


I would be fine with porn....I like it myself....

But that would all make sense now.....why he wants to divorce so quickly....

He went to a family reunion with his brother in July called me every day and said how much he missed me and loved me....talked about how we're going to have a summer vacation spot in MI soon.....then Labor Day weekend he asked for a divorce.....2 or 3 weeks later he already filed the paperwork.....stringing me along since then....still having sex.....giving me mixed messages.....please sign this paper (towards divorce) and in the next breath "doesn't mean that it will get turned in"............

:cussing: :banghead: :cussing: :banghead: :cussing: :banghead: :cussing: :banghead:


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## rome2012 (Sep 10, 2010)

I gotta go back to work.....

Please keep answering !!!

I love you guys..........you're helping me so much !!!!!!!!!


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## Powerbane (Nov 8, 2010)

Breathe in - breathe out. 

Not sure why he's being like this - so indecisive and keeping you guessing. Thats kind of cruel in my book. 

Relax and Plan A if you can still manage it. Continue making and maintaining the changes in yourself. I know you'll make it!

Have you been to therapy for yourself to deal with some of this or anyone in your family or a close friend to confide in?


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## jamesa (Oct 22, 2010)

There are people on here who have used keyloggers, they could help you. Knowledge is power, doesn't mean you have to use it. 

I would gather info and then try and talk to him calmly about this when you are in a better state of mind. It sounds to me like he is having an affair is not that sure what he wants himself. 

Sorry.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

You know in our ebook we have an excellent section on this. I have referred to it several times here on TAM and I probably should make it a sticky!  But you don't have to go all freaky high-tech to gather evidence: 

*Practical Tips for Catching Lying and Cheating*:

Keep a journal of your spouse’s reported activities. Write down the times, dates, places, other people involved, excuses given, etc. Your journal will become invaluable as you compare what’s said with phone bills, credit card statements, ATM withdrawals, talk to other people, etc. A cheating spouse is likely to change his or her story, or question your memory, so keeping a record of everything is critical.
Keep track of all incoming phone calls. Record the time and number of all calls.
Plan a surprise visit to work, or come home at unexpected times, or make announcements about having to work late, but then come home early, etc.
Keep track of your spouse’s mileage, receipts, credit card statements, ATM withdrawals, phone records, etc.
If you can, check your spouse’s call log. Look for an unusual amount of phone calls. Keep in mind that cheating spouses often store their lover’s phone number under someone else's name: a friend, a co-worker, etc.
You can also purchase surveillance equipment (hidden cameras and voice-activated recorders) or download computer monitoring software (key logger) which will make it easier for you to monitor your spouse's activities. Using such equipment can, however, can raise some legal issues.

Dale&Alex you mention that you are not the "bill paying spouse" but if you and your husband are in the same statement each month, you can ask the carrier about the records. Or if the statement comes to your home, you can read it and open it. For example, if your phone and his phone are on the same account, you can call the company, tell them your phone number and ask for a copy of last month's bill to be sent to your address. You're on the account!


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## Wolf359 (Jun 10, 2010)

I received some photos like this from a very hot Christmas card email. I think this may be this. I saved the pics, then decided to delete them. there were 5 pics


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## rome2012 (Sep 10, 2010)

Affaircare said:


> You know in our ebook we have an excellent section on this.
> I will go read it when I can stop shaking....
> I have referred to it several times here on TAM and I probably should make it a sticky!  But you don't have to go all freaky high-tech to gather evidence:
> 
> ...


When I came home he's put the last paper (that I haven't signed yet) on my laptop saying to please sign it like I promised or just tell him that I refuse.....

 What shall I do ????


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

I've got two other suggestions for getting absolute proof. First, try to get a credit report on him. That will show accounts (like a secret credit card) that you may know nothing about. I was shocked when I looked at my estranged husband's credit report. He had secret loans and credit cards. The bills were going to one of the girl friend's address. Second, go on line and do a "people search". I used Intellius, but there are others. That report gave me more information--like the other addresses he was using. Then I followed up on who lived at those address--then found out plenty about these tramps on FB and Myspace.

When a man is having an affair there is always a money trail. Entertaining a lady cost money. It's just a matter of finding the trail.


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## rome2012 (Sep 10, 2010)

827Aug said:


> I've got two other suggestions for getting absolute proof. First, try to get a credit report on him. That will show accounts (like a secret credit card) that you may know nothing about. I was shocked when I looked at my estranged husband's credit report. He had secret loans and credit cards. The bills were going to one of the girl friend's address. Second, go on line and do a "people search". I used Intellius, but there are others. That report gave me more information--like the other addresses he was using. Then I followed up on who lived at those address--then found out plenty about these tramps on FB and Myspace.
> 
> When a man is having an affair there is always a money trail. Entertaining a lady cost money. It's just a matter of finding the trail.


Other email addresses ???


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## rome2012 (Sep 10, 2010)

He's texting....pressuring me into signing the paper.....

He says I'm only changing because he asked for a divorce....but before I just ignored him...

I've told him before that I was never aware just *how* important this was for him.....and yes, I'm changing because he asked for a divorce but this was only an eye opener for me that I really had to change, no matter what.....

I so want to tell him I know about his cheating....but I don't have good enough proof....and I probably won't unless I do see the phone records....

I don't want to agree to this "friendly" divorce if he's cheating on me with the half naked chick.....

What do I do ????


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Dale&Alex said:


> When I came home he's put the last paper (that I haven't signed yet) on my laptop saying to please sign it like I promised or just tell him that I refuse.....
> 
> What shall I do ????


Well Dale&Alex, a few of the facts change slightly by your answers. For example, it is pretty relevant to know that he's a police officer, as that most likely means he is at least somewhat aware of the laws. He's also probably pretty good at hiding things, covering up, password protecting, etc. But some of the advice will still be good such as journaling his "stories" or responses because eventually his facts won't jive if he's making things up. He'll say he was HERE (to cover up that he was really with his mistress) on XYZ date...then later say that he was THERE, and you can pull up your journal and say "On Dec. 15th you said you were HERE. So which was it? Here or There?" 

Now as to what you should do, here's my thought. It's my understanding that your husband is the one who wants this divorce and he pretty much sprung it on you out of the blue. That is to say, not that your life was roses and sunshine, but it was okay for something like 20 years, he showed no signs of being so dissatisfied he'd leave, he was making plans for the future...then BAM one day for no apparent reason, "I want a divorce and I'm moving out tonight." Is that right?

Since then he's been pushing for a quick, quiet, easy "cooperative" divorce and today you find out why: he has a tootsy on the side. He's already gotten the divorce papers and filled them out, and from the way you describe it, he wants you to sign a "Waiver of Service". Now that USED TO BE a form that said, "My spouse can hand me the divorce papers himself/herself--I will accept them from him" and it signed away your right to demand to be served by someone else (like a sheriff). HOWEVER, lately there have been sneaky cheating spouses who have added a clause to that "Waiver of Service" form that says the loyal spouse is waiving their rights for the rest of the divorce!! That means the spouse is really saying, "Yep this divorce is alright with me and I will not contest it." And what's  is that they sign not realizing that they are signing something that gives up their rights!!!

So here's my recommendation. If you don't know that the form is or what it says, I wouldn't sign it. At this point, in the unrealistic fog of an affair, the person who used to be your husband is no longer in that body. I jokingly say it's his "Evil Twin" because it sure looks like the guy you've known for 20 years but it's not! Trust me! He will do what he has convinced himself he has to do in order to continue the affair and "legitimize" it. That's why he wants a quick, quiet, cooperative divorce--to basically get you out of the way so he can put whatzerface in his bed and pretend it's all good! 

So it is time for you to grow a bit of a spine and stand up for yourself and your rights. You need to PROTECT YOURSELF, and the best way to do that is to have information. This is not optional--you are going to need to have someone knowledgeable read that form and give you advise how to protect yourself. See...right now he thinks he gets to leave you, keep all his money and assets, walk away from the debts, contribute nothing to his obligations or children, and just live happily ever after with the OW. In real life, even the courts won't allow that! 

Time to start educating yourself and find someone who's probably a lawyer or at least a friend who's a paralegal who can help explain all this to you. Time to start reading up on your state's divorce laws so you know about your rights--here's a good link to the Divorce Laws by State. Just click on your state and it gives you the forms and laws and everything. Time to confront your husband with a little fire in your belly and tell him that you have proof he wants to divorce you because he's committing adultery (don't tell him what the proof is--he doesn't need to know), that you do not agree to divorce him so he can be with his mistress, and that you would be able to forgive him for this if he chose to do the right thing and end the affair...but if he does not, then you do not intend to make this either quick or easy for him and you will firmly and vigorously stand up for yourself and your family. 

Being a cop he probably won't like the fact that you're standing up to him, but you be brave girl. Don't sign ANYTHING that you don't 100% understand and agree to!


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## kgregory1011 (Dec 2, 2010)

Are you on his cell plan? Do you guys share a plan? 

Has he made any physical changes? new haircut, dressing nicer than usual, concerned with how he looks?

Are you ever in his car? Check the passenger side seatbelt, smell like perfume?

You could find receipts stashed in compartments? Do you share a bank account?

Brainstorming here ...


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Dale&Alex said:


> He's texting....pressuring me into signing the paper.....
> 
> I don't want to agree to this "friendly" divorce if he's cheating on me with the half naked chick.....
> 
> What do I do ????


1) Turn off the phone. Turn it completely off. He left you and has no right to pressure you or text continually. Turn it off and put it in your purse and resist the temptation to "peek at it"

2) You say you don't want to agree to a friendly divorce if he's cheating. Well...there ya go! You have your answer. You know what to do. So now, turn off the phone and gather up your courage to do what you KNOW is the right thing to do. It's okay, Dale&Alex. You are allowed to not agree to this.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

DO NOT SIGN A DAMN THING!! This "man" is trying to get a fast pass through divorce hoping that you are in the dark. You aren't. 
Affaircare is spot on. LISTEN TO HER. 
I repeat, DO NOT SIGN A DAMN THING, DO NOT SIGN A DAMN THING, DO NOT SIGN A DAMN THING. 
If you want information about keylogger or VAR, PM me. I will walk you through it. Knowledge is power and right now this dirtbag is playing you for a fool. You are not a fool, just a trusting wife who got her world tossed around. 
He doesn't have the right to demand a quick and easy divorce without consequence to him. Wrong. He has obligations to meet and if you can prove adultery, well in certain states in the U.S., that holds alot of weight. It also does in certain countries in the EU.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

The ONLY thing you reply with is that "I am having a legal professional look over the documents. I will sign nothing until that happens." 
Let him crap in his underwear tonight.


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## Powerbane (Nov 8, 2010)

Take back some control - Brennan is spot on too - give him a dose of his own medicine.


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## Wolf359 (Jun 10, 2010)

Brennan said:


> DO NOT SIGN A DAMN THING!! This "man" is trying to get a fast pass through divorce hoping that you are in the dark. You aren't.
> Affaircare is spot on. LISTEN TO HER.
> I repeat, DO NOT SIGN A DAMN THING, DO NOT SIGN A DAMN THING, DO NOT SIGN A DAMN THING.
> If you want information about keylogger or VAR, PM me. I will walk you through it. Knowledge is power and right now this dirtbag is playing you for a fool. You are not a fool, just a trusting wife who got her world tossed around.
> He doesn't have the right to demand a quick and easy divorce without consequence to him. Wrong. He has obligations to meet and if you can prove adultery, well in certain states in the U.S., that holds alot of weight. It also does in certain countries in the EU.




:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

Take the computer in for repair (hint hint), the computer shops can do data recovery (ask for it, tell them about it), and also put on programs that track what your computer is doing. so you can fight back.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Keylogger will give her his passwords. She should save the money of data recovery. If she PM's me, I will show her how to do it. She will get access to everything.


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## rome2012 (Sep 10, 2010)

This is so damn hard....

I do not want us to be enemies.....

He's not himself.....I don't know who the f*** he is....

He said to just let him know whether or not I'm going to sign it....if not he's going to have to rethink his tactics..... :scratchhead: 

Sounds like a threat.....but honestly....other than not being friends with his ex (me).....what can he do to me....the court won't take the kids from me just because I make little money....I have no criminal record and never took drugs.....

He values money highly so I know why he's trying to get this over with as smoothly as possible....

But what other tactics could there be ???

Throw me out of the house ???

He's been planning on me moving to an apartment anyway, so......(it's his house)

He won't get full custody......especially since he's a police officer.....

What else is there ????

I know he's afraid he'll be losing a lot of money if I fight this divorce agreement which he will.....that's why he's pissed that I'm not signing right away.....

I'm so tired of this.....I just want to wake up a year into the future......

I'm too weak to fight......but I don't want him to laugh about me be clueless either......

Who is this man ??????

My time is running out.....


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## kgregory1011 (Dec 2, 2010)

YOU ARE NOT TOO WEEK TO FIGHT!!

It just feels that way, your heart is torn, your emotions are crazy and you are looking for answers. 

Give him a dose of what he needs. Don't be so giving of yourself, do your hair, put on makeup. 

Let him wonder what your up to!!

My husband called me 5 times while I was on the phone with you. Make him contact you, be short with your words, hold back the tears.

Fall apart when he's not around. 

Don't do anything with those papers, who the hell cares about the money he spent on them. 

Let the courts award you alimony, part of his pention and child support. Let them figure it out.

Call me or pm me... Just please don't do anything you may regret!!


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## rome2012 (Sep 10, 2010)

kgregory1011 said:


> YOU ARE NOT TOO WEEK TO FIGHT!!
> 
> It just feels that way, your heart is torn, your emotions are crazy and you are looking for answers.
> 
> ...


K, please check out my other post.....what do you think ???


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Dale&Alex said:


> Other email addresses ???


I guess I'm confused? No, I didn't want to go find any e-mail addresses. When I did my detective work I wanted to know exactly where all the little wh*res lived. I found the physical addresses and knew plenty about the women. Trust me; there was no wiggle room for my husband when I completed my investigation.


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## rome2012 (Sep 10, 2010)

827Aug said:


> I guess I'm confused? No, I didn't want to go find any e-mail addresses. When I did my detective work I wanted to know exactly where all the little wh*res lived. I found the physical addresses and knew plenty about the women. Trust me; there was no wiggle room for my husband when I completed my investigation.


Oh, I misunderstood.....

Damn it....I just want him to f***ing admit to his affair.....

Then I could at least deal with this easier....

Then I wouldn't feel guilt about ignoring his concerns those past years and causing him to fall out of love with me...

Then I could just come to terms with it, call him names and move on !!!!!!!

That would be so much easier !!!!!!!


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Oh, I understand your frustration completely. I experienced all of those emotions and more. It took me a year to get all of my ducks in a row. It gets easier once you have undeniable proof of an affair. At least you know where you stand then--second place. And from that perspective you are angry enough to take care of business. BTW, few cheating spouses are going to make it easy for you and admit to an affair.

Stay strong and use your intellect to combat a cheater.


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## kgregory1011 (Dec 2, 2010)

Don't get yourself worked up about an affair yet. Remember you are in a fog, you are not thinking clearly, DO NOT tell him you found the picture. 

If he is having an affair, he might accidently let something slip out and try to cover his mistakes. It's very hard living a double life.

You also have to remember that youre husband is not thinking clearly either, he is also in a fog. Depression can push someone to do some crazy things.

I was devastated when my husband moved out, I went temporarily in sane I think .. lol

If you can't leave the situation, make yourself get out of the house more, give each other space to reflect.

It sucks, Im with ya and I hate it


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Um, sorry, she isn't in a fog....he is. She needs to protect herself at all costs.


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## mariem1967 (Dec 1, 2010)

I wouldn't do anything about those pics. If he cheats on you soon or a later he'll make some mistake and you'll find out. 
Imagine he received those pics by email and just put them in recycle and you start accusing him for cheating. 
Calm down and wait a bit more.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

rome2012: 

You have a lot of opinions here :- however if you suspect he is in an affair and the picture certainly supports it , do tell, show the pictures to your parents and his. Make a copy and post it to the OW house. Do not tell him what you are doing just do it. 


There is logic behind this, if they are in an affair he should be proud thereof, if not he will be hard pressed to sell the same story to his family especially if he moves in with her or she becomes his next wife.

Food for thought: - a lot of divorces occur due to affairs, the betrayed spouse is not even aware of the affair and ends up sharing custody of her children with husband and his new wife. This is a planned route for many affair persons and they manipulate it to make out they were never in an affair. Read a few of the pro-affair sites, this is a tactic they do promote and they say it is your fault the marriage is failing. Talk about deception!!!

Make lots of copies of the picture and distribute them. Do not be shy to say your husband has an inappropriate relationship with this woman. Leave it at that, he will be angry, all you have said is the truth and you shall see over time if they happen to cohabit.


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