# Need To Vent-Your Thoughts



## maccheese (Jul 25, 2011)

So our 18 month old wakes up in the middle of the night a couple a nights a week (we have yet to figure out why.) She ends up staying up for a while. So the last couple of times, I've been the one to go to her room and stay with her until she falls back asleep. So last night, she work up again. After a couple hours, I asked my husband to get her. After she didn't go back to sleep after 20 minutes, my husband hands the baby back to me. I told him I got her the last couple times. His response: Well I have to work tomorrow and you're going to be at home. So, because I'm at home, I don't need some rest as well. It doesn't take energy to make breakfast and lunch for our daughter. Constantly keep her out of trouble, take her outside to play, call YOUR student loan company to make payment arrangements, do the budget because its friday, arrange coupons to save our family money on groceries, go grocery shopping, run a part time business to bring in extra money to the house, harass my school's financial aid office by email and phone because its the last minute and they haven't given me money for classes I'm taking that will bring more money into the household. Oh, I just "SIT" at home all day while you go to work. I just feel unappreciated that the four or five days out the week I don't leave the house to go clock in somewhere, I'm just considered a homebody. Not a mother, not a wife, not a homemaker, not a business manager, not a maid, not a launderer.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

You both have your work to do. Trying to calculate the value one over another would be unloving so we'll call it equal. With other responsibilities equal you each should shoulder an equal portion of the nighttime burden. Equal means equal. Each week you take three nights and he takes 3 nights. Flip a coin at the beginning of the week to see who takes the seventh night.

My kids are up more often than I would like. I take extra burden because my wife just plain won't do it. Doesn't bother me, I love my kids and I would do anything for them


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## maccheese (Jul 25, 2011)

Actually, I don't if I particularly believe in equal or fair. It just doesn't seem to ever work out that way. I understand that there are things I do better than him (cleaning, budgeting) and I don't mind taking on more of the responsibility when it comes to things like this, but seesh, when I ask for help every now and then, can I get some willingness, please don't throw in my face what you have to do, not really realizing you have it a little easier.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Not "easier".

But, certainly "different".

I think you two are headed for trouble.

Both of you undervalue your partner's contribution.



maccheese said:


> Actually, I don't if I particularly believe in equal or fair. It just doesn't seem to ever work out that way. I understand that there are things I do better than him (cleaning, budgeting) and I don't mind taking on more of the responsibility when it comes to things like this, but seesh, when I ask for help every now and then, can I get some willingness, please don't throw in my face what you have to do, not really realizing you have it a little easier.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Oh that argument is certainly bringing up a painful part of my former marriage during our son's infancy. Granted, by 18 months he was sleeping solid through the night, but for the first year the longest he ever slept was 45min. It was hell, most definitely on my wife but also on me. The thing is I wasn't ever allowed to complain about it.

I was resentful that me getting up with him meant rocking him for an hour and a half as he screamed before my wife came into his room angry at me, then would let him suckle back to sleep. I was resentful that she had the ability to pacify him with the boob and I didn't. I was resentful that she let it go on like this and wouldn't allow him to cry it out. I was resentful that when she was the one to get up she always had to wake me up from my crappy slumber to point out the fact that she had to get up. I was resentful that I had to wake up at 6am and go to work, being away from my family for 9 hours a day and force myself to stay awake and productive at work then come home to find them napping in the chair. I was resentful that she would never get fired for having a nap when our baby boy did. I was resentful that when I came home I was expected to clean up the house, make dinner, change the diapers, do the laundry and give her a break from her crappy day even though I never got a break ever. I was resentful that my sleep deprivation manifested as health problems (asthma, chronic sinusitus, tinnitus, nasal polyps, depression, hair loss, deteriorated fitness).

Eventually that resentfulness turned into spite and I became as useless as she kept telling me I was... when I got home to find them sleeping I just gave up and went to the computer and basically gave up trying and our home just deteriorated. I found a bit of an escape. It didn't help but I was atleast able to cope, and so my W got even more detached. I was resentful at her that I was emasculated and that she no longer found me attractive.

It has been a slow recovery for me, and cost us our marriage. even though I began making slow improvements she just couldn't see and it wasn't near fast enough for her. When breastfeeding was done she eventually found her escape by living more and more like a single woman and I went completely along with it because of the guilt I took on for all the crap that happened. I enabled her to check out because I loved her, in a way I let her go but now I am disappointed that she took advantage of me by not telling me she was already out of the marriage.

I am learning now that while some of what I was resentful about was in the way she treated me, it was me that had the power to do something about it and I failed to stand up for my rights. So everything I was resentful for was a mistake, a mistake that I let it fester without seeking help - if I had to do it again I wouldn't have done anything different except to do it without resentment and not allow her to belittle my contributions because I see now how much work had to be done and the fact that we did it, we just had the wrong attitude towards each other about doing it. We didn't allow ourselves to celebrate our accomplishments.

My advice, do what needs to be done, celebrate what YOU have accomplished, give out as much love as you can, find forgiveness for the things you resent about him. Separate his responsibilities from yours as much as possible so that he has to start facing the consequences and relearning how to deal with it all... I know not easy to let go enspecially when it affects your life so much, but maybe start with one thing. Life is hard, it sucks to have a crappy partner, but for me I decided I'm going to stop complaining about having to do the work of others, but now I'm separated I am learning to take responsibility for everything under my control and it feels good again.


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## mrs.rmiller (Aug 2, 2011)

I had this argument with my husband not that long ago. I have a 12 month old little boy who was getting up in the middle of the night. My husband stays home and I work full time. I'm also 7 month pregnant with a baby girl. Anyway, my husband would bring the baby in bed with us and that was never a good thing. The little guy would fall asleep, but he would kick mommy and move all over the place. I would never feel rested. I argued that my husband should be the one to get up with the baby and take care of the baby because he could nap when the baby took a nap. I did not have that option while at work. 

I guess it is hard for both parents. Being sleep deprived makes a very long day and very cranky parents.

Our son has not been up in the middle of the night for about a week. My husband did do a great job to break him of doing that. I can’t stand to hear my little guy cry when we put him to bed, but my husband would lay him in his crib with his blanket during nap time and let him cry himself to sleep. After doing that a few times, our son goes to sleep just fine and when he did wake up at night, we both let him cry for a few minutes and he went back to sleep. Not getting up as soon as he started crying was the best choice for both of us. 

He does not cry when we lay him in his crib anymore.


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## maccheese (Jul 25, 2011)

Thanks everyone for your responses. It just feels good to vent and know somebody understands.


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