# Wife Upset I Advised about Our Separation



## Waiting Patiently (Aug 31, 2009)

Wife left to stay with her mother 11 weeks ago. Things were going great-lots of progress and then she pulled back-does not know what she wants. I started a minimum/no contact 10 days ago (except for daughter or answers needed) and she has started to get angry with me about the smallest of things where before no anger at all. Now she calls me last night and starts an argument that I told some people we mutually know about our separation and that she is mortified about this. have I missed something? My wife left almost 3 months ago but she is angry because some mutual friends now know. She says she can't believe i would share this information. have I done something wrong? I am at a loss why she would be so upset at me. She is an introvert and I am an extrovert but I don't think that is what is going on here. Thoughts?


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

She's lashing out obviously! Who know why? Often they get irrational....Did she really expect no one to find out after almost 3 months? 

Sometimes it's embarrassing and you want to hide that you are having problems. It's understandable but eventually it goes on too long to hide. Don't worry about it too much. It's not like you are advertising this...If a friend asks..tell the truth in limited form. It's really nobody's business..


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## Waiting Patiently (Aug 31, 2009)

Makes sense, Corpus. Do you ever experience that the one who left continues to look for reasons to get angry? For example, she used this issue to state how different we are and that our problems never cease and that perhaps, we should just make the separation formal with papers? I feel as if she is trying to hurt me because deep down she knows I want her to come home and work on the marriage despite no contact in place. Its as I am doomed if i do something or doomed if I don't act at all and give her the space she has requested.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

I left and I can offer some insight. She feels like the bad guy and doesn't want it to be public knowledge. Even when you want to leave like I did (I was resolute) it is difficult to admit that you're the one who is calling the shots. If you both want it, no problem. But when you're the one who unilaterally decides, it is all on you even if there are good reasons. A lot of people for fear of what can happen in their own relationships get upset with the one who left. Plus, another single person running in their circles can also be threatening.

So, it is better if you don't talk about it.

IMO, just tell her you're sorry and that you understand that she might be sensitive about the situation, but that you didn't say anything bad about her to your friends. You'll still catch hell but at least she can't say you don't understand.

About papers -- depends on where you live. Where I lived separation wasn't declared in court documents. It was about not living as man and wife, even if you were in the same house. So no sex, living your own life, not having to account to the other party, that sort of thing. If your state requires formal docs, then do it if you want to push to see how serious she is. My lawyer at the time told me of many cases where just before the end, people have pulled back from the final divorce. It isn' the end until it is the end.


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