# I am so lonely! So I am thinking about having an emotional affair.



## loveandmarriage (Aug 8, 2008)

Recently, because of inappropriate actions from my husband and a married client, I have truly turned my focus on my marriage. 

Last night, I worked on my laptop and I couldn't concentrate because I wanted to spend time with my husband. Lately, I have been feeling a disconnection and REALLY want to be connected again with my husband. 

However, when I went into the family room to see if he wanted to talk or possibly more, I saw he was watching a tv show that he previously recorded. I KNEW I could not compete and decided to go to bed at 11pm and my husband stayed up until about midnight watching TV.

I dunno. I am in desperate need of attention from a man and I am STRONGLY considering finding it with someone else online. I know this is not the right thing to do, BUT I don't think my husband cares or even wants to work on our relationship. You see, my husband is an "avoider" and does not like talking about his feelings or problems that may be existing. So as long as it is not talked about, he is happy. The only problem with this is that I am not happy. I am an expressive person. I like to express how I feel by my words and actions. For example, this morning I packed my husband's lunch. I decided to put an inspirational saying that we recently heard on TV. Our entire family got a kick out of that saying, so I decided to put a note in his lunch bag and also wrote, "I love you."

After the kids were asleep, my husband commented on the note. He said it was cute, but also laughed and asked if I was in junior high school leaving love notes. He said he was joking, but I said I did not put that note in your lunch bag for you to think it was a joke. So that kinda made me feel small and unappreciated.

I also mentioned that last night I wanted to spend time with him and that I saw he was watching his show and knew I could not compete so I just went to bed. He told me that I could have watched TV with him. The political views on this show could really bring up a lot to talk about. I asked him can't we just talk without the TV being on? But all he did was ignored the statement and went upstairs to do what? You guessed it. WATCH TV!

Have you ever been in a room full of people and still feel alone? Well, that's me. I have 2 great kids, and a husband, so my house is full. However, at night after the kids are asleep, I am sometimes feeling alone. 

I am a stay at home mom, which I love. However, I want to feel sexy, and have the attention of a man. I want to feel like I am special. It's funny, my kids show me more love than my husband. And sometimes, that is all I have to hold onto. 

Don't get me wrong, life could be a lot worse. I am happy, I have a roof over my head, my kids are happy, I'm in my right mind, and I have my health and strength. However, I long for an occasional "emotional touch".

Has anyone felt this way? If so, please let me know and please tell me how you dealt with it.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

i can't believe i'll be the first to suggest, read the five languages of love, but do it. you might be surprised at your leap. you guys are saying the same thing, just not to one another.

you said it all when you said "i'm happy" and you're so close to having that "emotional touch" you speak of, you guys are just speaking different languages.

i wish i had your "problems," you are so ok, just need a little tending to. go forth...and enjoy your marriage.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Having an emotional affair will not solve your issues infact they will only make them worse. Let alone that this makes the pot call the kettle look black seeing this type of problem caused the rift in the first place.

draconis


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## Cynthia43 (Sep 9, 2008)

I understand your words of being lonely....and I believe (without looking back) that you have read our post in reference to my emotional affair. Truly "no good" can come from that and I know this first hand. I became very attached....couldn't wait to talk to him...just to even find out what his day held. My husband unknowing (even with my verbal expression of being lonely) permitted this time....because he was doing other things such as watching TV....sleeping. You could easily be texting or talking on the phone unnoticed and this is where I found myself.....because I too needed more..... I admitted my feelings to my husband before things got to out of control. Even through the pain (and believe me that I paid dearly) my husband turned his anger into an opportunity to change....to feed me with what I needed....and continues to do so...as have I changed to feed him with what he needs. He even lost 30#....something I've told him he's needed to do for years. (we've been married 27 years.....5 children...oldest in heaven at age 17 and in our 40's we now have one at 17, two at 7 and one at 4...perpetual parenting) Looking back now I so realize how easily this could have evolved into a sexual affair for me...so very uncharacter for me also....but caught up with the excitement of it all. He too is married...a beautiful young family with two beautiful children....sad isn't it? But yes.....I permitted an emotional affair and termoil in two homes. 
Because you're a stay at home mom with two children you NEED more adult company....and if you tell your husband this or share some of the posts here maybe he'll realize and wake up before you end up attached to someone else and can't "come back"....ya know? 

Sending hope.......


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Having suffered the pain of a spouse involved in an emotional affair I can advise you not to go there. It will only bring the both of you pain. There is also a lot of risk at starting an on-line affair as there are adult predators as will as child predators out there. People who will say all the right things just to get you to take the next step. If you are so unhappy that you are seeking any kind of affair then end your marriage. Don’t move into a new one before the old one is ended. What ever he has done, he deserves better than that.


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## bluebutterfly0808 (Aug 18, 2008)

wow, i totally see myself in your words. i had 3 small children 5 yrs & under. stay at home mom & my husband filled his schedule with 20 million other things to do rather than be with me. i didn't understand but let it go. i did this for many of the same reasons as you - i explained it away by telling myself i had 3 beautiful children who were healthy, we had finally purchased a home, had a successful business, etc., etc., etc. as time passed, i felt more lonely than ever, but it was then a way of life (pretty pathetic). here i am though 12 years later with a husband who had an emotional affair. it ended up that way because i learned it was easier not to speak up. big mistake!!! i have now learned that whatever is on my mind, i speak up. not in a mean way, but we talk. sometimes just getting it off my chest feels good. i also realized that my husband was never going to be the one to do something about my loneliness. (obviously, he went & had an ea). so now i take a more proactive approach. as much of a pain as it is, i call & set up a babysitter every 2-3 weeks at least so we can have time away. i meet with my girlfriends for dinner 1 time a month.

please just take it from me, his ea destroyed me! i lost weight (didn't have much to lose), couldn't sleep, withdrew from life, hated my husband, etc, etc. we are working on reconnecting but i can tell you that i am not sure he will ever have all of me again. at least not in the same way as before. it totally makes me question if we were ever really meant to be. if you truly love him, don't do it. be proactive in whatever sense that may be - talking, seperating, counseling, marriage exercises, etc. pull out everything, but if you have any respect for him, don't go there! you'll feel horrible & so will he! you may never recover & your family will be forever changed! it's just an icky thing all the way around!


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

So you want to have an emotional affair do you??

that is not the answer at all and you know that. You two need to figure it out.


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

I'm not trying to shift this thread to me but I gotta say that I could have written this post, except my wife is absorbed in reading certainly not watching politics. She gets her communication needs met with the girls at work so we just talk about dumb every day stuff as if in review. Even sex, she strings it out long enough to make sure i'm reasonably satisfied then poof! back to reading. We have no quality time together, not even a half hour, but she's fine with that. I've tried talking to her over the years about this and get nowhere. I've decided to work on me, develop some new interests and when she asks what's going on, i'm just going to explain that i'm giving her what she wants. A distant relatiobship, if that leads us in court so be it, i'll always know that I did all I could. Just want to let you know that you sure aren't the only one feeling that way. :smthumbup:


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## bluebutterfly0808 (Aug 18, 2008)

martino,

be careful, you sound like i did a few years ago & he ended up having an ea on me. so much for giving him space to do what he wants. i became a pushover! don't let too much space come between you. sometimes one side has to work harder than the other & hopefully you can meet somewhere in between.


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

Well so be it, i'm ready to tread whatever wave rises. I love her, but sometimes I think I desrve much more. Someone who cares about keeping the relationship fit so to speak. 

Emotional Affair sure is a big buzz word at times around here, how are all of you sure that's all that happened? especially with guys in an "emotional affair" that's really an unsucessful lay when it comes right down to it.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

If the question is whether or not there was a physical interlude, in my case no. Reason 1200 Miles


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## tnt20years (Aug 11, 2008)

Do you think your husband may be experiencing midlife crisis? 

Some signs and symptoms include:
_Lack of emotional, physical, or sexual intimacy 
Infidelity 
Change of personality and interests 
Boredom or anxiety 
Unusual anger and irritability 
Excessive eating, dieting, exercise, or shopping 
Boredom, exhaustion, or frantic energy 
Dissatisfaction with job 
Drug or alcohol excesses 
Daydreaming, desire for solitude 
Major change in libido 
Anxiety and/or Depression (including panic attacks) _

typical causes could be:
_Death of a loved one
Stress because of children (especially teenagers) 
Feelings of apathy at work or unemployment 
A sense of loss during the "empty nest" phase as the children leave home 
Hormone changes including menopause 
Aging parent needing a caregiver 
Signs of aging: aching bones, reading glasses, etc. 
Retirement and a need for some direction 
Feeling that time is passing them by with no goals or challenges left 
Adult children returning home or needing a lot of help 
Recognition of one's eventual death _

I found the following website which helped me understand clearly:

His Midlife Crisis, Her Midlife Crisis, or Your Midlife Crisis? We hate to see you here, but welcome to the Club!

My husband has been displaying several symptoms for several years (he is 45). I have never actually caught him in an affair although I have suspected that there is something. The advice this website gives is similar to what I finally decided to do. JUST TAKE CARE OF MYSELF!!! Which is what you need to concentrate on now, and let whatever else happen, happen!!! 

You sound like you could use some great girl friends right now!!! Plus maybe if you can get away from the little ones now and then and join a club or something...something that makes you happy. 

I would caution you about the emotional affair. This will only complicate things more. A friend of mine always says "I can't handle the man I have why would I want another one?" 

Loneliness is tough, and none of us deserve it!! You sound like you're a great mom and you should be proud of that! I started taking care of myself by dieting and exercising and just trying to be a happier and more positive person and my husband seems to be turned back onto me for it...Maybe that will work for you too??? Good luck and I hope some of this helps.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

I have frequently felt this way about my H. I have tried and tried to communicate with him, tell him what i need, give him what he needs. Ive read books and gone to counseling. the other night i had just had it. so i told him if things dont start to turn around then i will go elsewhere. It wasnt a threat. i just let him know i could not live this way anymore and that i deserved more. 

I dont know if it did any good but i guess it felt good getting it out in the open. things are improving between us, but i think its due to years of work and not any one thing i've said in a night of frustration.


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

Whenever we have these talks, things change for about a week then quickly go back to normal. The lazy spouse needs to see a whole new "you" or "me" to see that their own environment has changed in order to wake up. That is what i'm convinced of.


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## bluebutterfly0808 (Aug 18, 2008)

martino said:


> Well so be it, i'm ready to tread whatever wave rises. I love her, but sometimes I think I desrve much more. Someone who cares about keeping the relationship fit so to speak.
> 
> Emotional Affair sure is a big buzz word at times around here, how are all of you sure that's all that happened? especially with guys in an "emotional affair" that's really an unsucessful lay when it comes right down to it.


you are totally correct about not being sure that is all that happened, but trust me, i'm sure everyone in the ea situation has that question in the back of their minds. that's partly why it is so hard to get past. it's the not knowing that kills you! maybe a pa would be easier because you know they have already confessed to the worst of it!???


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## bluebutterfly0808 (Aug 18, 2008)

martino said:


> Whenever we have these talks, things change for about a week then quickly go back to normal. The lazy spouse needs to see a whole new "you" or "me" to see that their own environment has changed in order to wake up. That is what i'm convinced of.



good point! i think you're on to something. it's almost like you need to shock them into opening their eyes to you. although i think there a lot of ways to do this besides engaging in an affair of any kind!


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## loveandmarriage (Aug 8, 2008)

Well, I decided not to do anything right now. I did go to [url removed by admin - affair hookup site] and looked. However, when I saw all those guys that had a status of "attached", I chickened out and decided not to look any further. I dunno why, but it bothered me to see all those "attached" guys (probably married) looking to "hook up". All I could think about is I would not want to be the wife that finds out their husband is on this site trying to meet women. So I just left the site. In the meantime, I will focus on my kids' love. That ALWAYS makes me feel wanted.


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## Ham987 (Jul 13, 2008)

I wish that I had had some one to shake me and tell me that i had 
left a hole in our marrige 
I would give anything i have to go back and be slaped upside of the face and told how important it is not to just move from day to day in life seperatly but to live our lives together 
dont do it 
Your better that that If only my wife had told me or friends had told me or if I was a real caring man I would have seen more pain 
in my wife heart 
maybe she wouldnt have strayed Iam left with the maybe s
I can only say IFthis IF that 
but you can still change things 

DONT 

Stop him and Tell Him What you WANT AND WHAT HES DOING to the two of you be load be forcefull tell me in no uncertain terms 
you owe this to you self 
or you will never be able to say you really tried

Greg


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