# Too messed up to fix??? Financial and special needs kids+ odds are against us???



## LBAutismMomma (Aug 8, 2012)

I have been married almost 9 years and we have 5 & 7 year olds with high function autism. I have heard 90+% of parents with an autistic child end up in divorce and I fear our fate may be the same or worse as we have two children on the spectrum. I am the primary and only breadwinner,but my husband seems to spend without abandon & we are caught up into a vicious circle of who is sicker to handle the children and I have hired a care giver to handle the slack. 

I have fibromyalgia and often can't move in the morning, plus high blood pressure and depression ; however, I force myself to function in order to make money for our family while he sleeps past noon with stomach problems which I encourage him to see a doctor. He eats terrible in the evening (I see containers of ice cream, alcohol, and other possibly belly aching causing foods.) 

He lavishes our children with gifts and makes sure they get the maximum amount of therapy--doing scheduling (which I do appreciate as I can not do it all).

Although I appreciate all he does for the children I am no longer attracted to him at all. He makes vicious remarks to me in front of the children and is growing morbidly obese. He criticizes me constantly and if it weren't for the children I would leave as I do not need this abuse. I was previously abused as a child and he knows how to push my emotional buttons to the point I turn off. 

Perhaps it is a way to punish him for the vicious remarks, but I have stopped having sex with him although I am a highly sexual person. Although I am not the healthiest person in the world, I try to keep healthy while he is self destructive. At this point, I am only staying because of the children. I don't think he knows it, but I have grown numb to his remarks and am only staying on behalf of the children. 

Most of the financial pressure is due to him not going to work. I am stressed out and am supporting the whole family. I wouldn't be so bitter (so to say) if he would at least make the effort to wake up before noon and try to get to work. I work 12+ hour days and the stress is literally killing me. The only reason why I am staying in this relationship is because he focuses a couple hours a day on the kids when I need it the most, but this is not a marriage. 

Any advise???


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

LBAutismMomma said:


> I have been married almost 9 years and we have 5 & 7 year olds with high function autism. I have heard 90+% of parents with an autistic child end up in divorce and I fear our fate may be the same or worse as we have two children on the spectrum. I am the primary and only breadwinner,but my husband seems to spend without abandon & we are caught up into a vicious circle of who is sicker to handle the children and I have hired a care giver to handle the slack.
> 
> I have fibromyalgia and often can't move in the morning, plus high blood pressure and depression ; however, I force myself to function in order to make money for our family while he sleeps past noon with stomach problems which I encourage him to see a doctor. He eats terrible in the evening (I see containers of ice cream, alcohol, and other possibly belly aching causing foods.)
> 
> ...


It does sound like a vicious cycle you are going around and around in. It must be very stressful for you. It sounds like you feel you are handling most of the major responsibilities and you've got three kids not two. He's walking all over you by the way. I'm sorry for your troubles. 

Firstly I would make an appointment for his lazy ass to go and see a doctor. Tell him you've made one for him and if he blows it off go buy him some pepto-bismol and a pack of rolaids and tell him to go get an f'n job as obviously his stomach isn't serious enough to go and see a doctor. Secondly tell him that if he ever wants to get near your p*ssy again he needs to hit the gym and lay off the ice cream, and alcohol etc, etc.( most likely the cause of his tummy troubles ) Tell him once he has a job and is hitting the gym you'll take over the scheduling and long as he ................( fill in the blank with your choice(s). ) If indeed you are only staying because of the children then watch his actions to the above suggestions. He if doesn't start to grow a pair right before you're eyes and get with the program then kick him out. Sounds like your life would be a lot less stressfull without having to deal with his sh*t as well.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I agree with the above and will add that you need to give him a deadline. He has to have a job in 30-60 days. You do not care if it's working in a fast food joint. Just anything to get him out of the house on a normal schedule.

If he does not get a job you will divorce him. 
If he gets fired you will divorce him.

Then make plans to file for divorce and kick him out. He will most likely test your resolve on this.

The money you save for not having to support him can go towards care for the children. 

One thing I did when I was alone with my son.. he was a very high need AD/HD as a child... was I found a college student to move in with me. She lived in our spare bedroom and I paid her some to be there for our son when I could not be home.

It worked out very well and cost a lot less than other arrangments I could have made.

By the way, I have a similar problem with my exhusband. Instead of food and drink, his poison is PC gaming. He has spend the last 10 years playing computer games while I supported us and raised his children and mine.

We are divorced since March and he still will not move out because he has no job and no where to go. Do not get yourself any deeper into this problem with your husband than you already are. He is abusing you in so many ways.


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## graceunderfire (Aug 13, 2012)

1) just because odds are not high for parents of special needs children to make it work over the long haul doesn't mean you cannot have a lasting strong marriage.

that said...

2) there are ways to get help with the kids depending on the level of severity and need... do they qualify for model waiver? Are they in a special needs program at school that includes summer school for therapies and socialization... etc.

and 3) I am not a proponent of divorce in general but... having worked with special needs families for over 25 years I have seen many very happily married couples separate and divorce so that they can qualify for more medical and therapeutic support once their insurance has maxed out ... and hitting catastrophic lifetime max is easy to do with special needs children.

Talk to a social worker at social services or at your children's school and see what other help you may be able to get to help with some of the stress and then deal with the other stress-maker in the house and work on getting him either out to work or just out.


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