# How do you get it back?



## charlieo (Oct 20, 2008)

My husband and I just don't have sex anymore. We desire it but it is never a priority in our day. We used to really enjoy it until it became about making babies and not about us. We endured infertility and adopted, then moved to another country for an ex-pat assignment. That's when things went from bad to worse. We hardly ever spent time with each other due to travel and stress from his job. We lost our ability to become intimate and I am deeply saddened. Recently, we finally admitted we had a serious problem with our marriage and we are seeking help. But right now, I am feeling alone and confused. I am trying to be optimistic but things just seemed to spiral out of control before either of us understood what was happening. I am hoping someone out there can relate and perhaps has some sage advise.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

charlieo-

Could you explain separately the issues on both sides why you don't have sex, for you and for him?


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## charlieo (Oct 20, 2008)

If I had to sum it up, for me it is a lack of feeling close to him. I need to feel respected and loved. In the past couple of years, I have felt like a punching bag (figuratively only) for his bad moods and stress. Half the time I am walking on egg shells. Nothing I say or do is good enough. I know that I am attractive and have much to offer but I feel he does not see this. It's hard for me to initiate a love-making session when I feel unloved. For him, it seems to be a lack of passion for anything. These are his words. He seems to be depressed and anxious most of the time. Much of his stress is self-inflicted, meaning, he puts tremendous pressure on himself. I get extremely upset when he says "I am doing this for you so you can be happy" when he knows what would make me happy is to spend more time together as a family. When I try to discuss stress or depression with him, he gets defensive and ignores me by playing a video game or downing a few beers. He has a tough time seeing how much he has in his life and seems to focus on all the negative. His libido has diminished greatly as a result. At the end of the day, we love each other but a huge wall of frustration has been built. Sorry to go on and thanks for asking.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

charlieo-

Thanks for the info, the more the better 
Usually when people are not having much sex, one partner wants it like crazy, and the other does not.

From what you say, you both want it more, but somehow it ain't happening. I think the problem is that you both have resentments about the other, and there is biological desire for sex, but that is fighting against an emotional desire for boundaries and self protection.

So you need to both start taking down the wall. I would start by holding hands and looking into each others eyes. Would you be able to try that as an exercise? Hold both his hands and look into each others eyes for five minutes. If you can build up to doing this every day, that would be good.

Another trick is that both of you should stop masturbating. Make an agreement to do this for a time. When a man ejaculates, he looses the feeling of lust, and you need to get mother nature's hormones on your side.

Diet is important, and alcohol should be kept to a minimum. Keep the reports coming 

What is the current frequency of intercourse?


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## charlieo (Oct 20, 2008)

Hi MarkTwain,
You are right about the resentment and self protection on both sides. I will try your exercise and let you know how it worked. 
Frequency is once in a blue moon. The good news is we are getting some professional help too.
thanks for the advice and i'll keep you posted...


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