# Boyfriend TOO excited?



## Chaotic (Jul 6, 2013)

So this is kind of a fluffy question, not a huge problem, but I'm curious.

My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years and have a satisfying sex life. A month or so ago we decided to spice things up a little--nothing major, just some toys and some sexy lingerie for me. I have enjoyed the novelty, but BF has really, REALLY, _REALLY_ enjoyed it. It now seems like the minute we enter the bedroom he is instantly at 150% nuclear level arousal, and then he does everything faster than I want to. I end up feeling rushed or like I can't "catch up" to his arousal level and then I am less satisfied in the end (he makes sure I have an orgasm, I'm not unsatisfied in that way, it's just that I'd like the whole experience to be more luxurious and less like a race to the finish line). So--couples who have successfully spiced things up in the bedroom--do you think this is just the novelty getting to him? Do you think he'll build up a tolerance? Any tips to slow his arousal down and/or speed mine up? We have talked about this and he is always apologetic and says he'll slow things down next time, but then in the heat of the moment he does not. If I say something in the moment ("slow down, honey") he gets self-conscious and apologetic and sometimes loses his erection, which is obviously not my goal. When we were having more "vanilla" sex we would take our time and it was fantastic. 

Background info: we are both in our 40s and divorced. We both were previously in very low-sex marriages to spouses who were critical, demanding and manipulative to various extents, so we both have some baggage. (I posted on these forums several years ago when I was working through the end of my marriage.) BF and I are a very good match personality-wise and we have loads of fun together and love and respect each other. I just want to slow down and enjoy our spicy sex times more, that's all. 😊


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Two choices are to either have a real heart to heart about what you both want, or take turns as to who controls the pace. It sounds like part of his and or your baggage may be related to who controls what in bed and the amount of focus on each of your sexual desires. It is hard to unlearn years of conditioned response training.

My other piece of advice is that far too many people put way too much performance anxiety on each individual sex act. That creates problems, especially for men. Sex should be fun, playful and when things don't work out perfectly, the two of you should laugh about it and say you need to try that again, but a little differently.

Good luck.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Don't worry. As the more exciting sex continues he's likely to slow down on his own. Ride with it for a while and or make some positive comments in a way to slow some things down if need to.

This will work itself out.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

We are in our 40’s and have really spiced it up over the last 5 years. It is a lot of fun and yes I’ll admit I was probably a bit too rushed for my wife at first as well. One thing that we started doing that is really nice is massage. It slows everything down... feels great... and really gives us time to get fully immersed. Try cold pressed unscented coconut oil. Warm it up before use.. works as sex lube as well and has been toy compatible


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

OP, has there been any progress??


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

You add spice and seasoning to soup so you can have more zest and zing ...... but sometimes you end up needing a little antacid afterwards LOL

The whole reason for introducing novelty and adjuncts into the bedroom is to stimulate some of those novelty and new-toy hormones and experience some of that yearning and urgency into your sexual dynamic again and was never meant to induce ‘perfect’ sex. 

If he was being selfish and taking what he wants then rolling over leaving you hanging and unsatisfied, then I’d say it was a problem. 

But the fact he is striving to make it a good experience for you and is willing to satisfy you, then this is simply a journey and not an end point. 

Enjoy the journey and smell the flowers along the way.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Just tell him he's going too fast and you are not getting off. Stop him. Don't contribute to it with foreplay if that is making it worse.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Mr.Married said:


> We are in our 40’s and have really spiced it up over the last 5 years. It is a lot of fun and yes I’ll admit I was probably a bit too rushed for my wife at first as well. One thing that we started doing that is really nice is massage. It slows everything down... feels great... and really gives us time to get fully immersed. Try cold pressed unscented coconut oil. Warm it up before use.. works as sex lube as well and has been toy compatible


Same here wife gets rub down from neck to knees before and it jumpstarts her arousal and ....well mine too since i get great enjoyment massaging her and giving my wife pleasure that way. The increase in lubricant lessens friction so men will last longer. But yess he is getting overly excited seeing you in lingerie.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Has he had any symptoms of low T. I started T injection at 43 from low T. Everything was functional for most part, just tired easily...however i would not last long. After starting T injections, my energy jumped and labido too. 

Many times i could go 45min before getting there. Other times one of us has had to call time, just could not go any longer. She gets hers though. Last time i told her i just could not get there right now, we will have to go at it again tonight.. She looks up at me smiling and said "Dang the bad luck"


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## Chaotic (Jul 6, 2013)

Thanks everyone. We talked about it more and are going to incorporate massage, because that just sounds like a great idea.  Also thank you to the people who basically said "yeah, ride it out, this will pass". I think I posted in the first place just hoping to hear that, so hearing it was very reassuring!


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