# Not sure what to do.



## confusedgirl7 (Jan 18, 2017)

My husband and I dated off and on for 10 years and have been married for 4 years. We have no children together. We want them, but haven't tried to have any yet. For at least the last two years, we've been struggling. There is a huge lack of intimacy, we don't have much in common anymore and we don't communicate well. For the first 3+ years of our marriage, I tried so hard to connect with him, to share his interests and to talk things out. It went no where and was completely one-sided. 

It should also be noted that my husband has an issue with germs. He inspects everything before he touches it and usually uses tissues or napkins to touch things. I've tried numerous times to get him to talk to someone about this or seek out some sort of treatment, but he does not think there is a problem. The reason I bring this up is because it makes me feel like he thinks I'm dirty. I'm a very clean person and keep a very clean house, yet he still does this. I believe it's part of the reason he has physically rejected my advances before. It's been so long since we have even hugged. It's to the point where I don't even try anymore. We don't even sleep in the same bed and haven't for at least 2 years. For the first two years of our marriage we didn't much because I worked nights and wasn't home when he slept.

My husband and I spend most of our time alone. I'm a fairly active person, I like to be hiking, biking, walking, swimming, playing outside with the dog, you name it. He likes to be inside in front of the tv. He spends the majority of his free time there watching sports or playing video games. I don't mind doing those things on occasion, but I don't feel like I should be the only one making an effort to participate in the other person's hobbies. I don't mind doing things alone, but I don't feel like it's unreasonable to want my husband there sometimes. I could count on one hand how many times in the last 4 years he has done something with me that I like to do. And even then, it has been like pulling teeth to get him to come and he complains the entire time. Then he continually reminds me of the favor he did for me by doing something with me...like I owe him. I feel like we used to have a lot in common in college, but have drifted apart and become two very different people over the last few years. When there is an event with my family, I go to those alone too. I've stopped making excuses for him. My family sees that I'm alone most of the time and some have even mentioned out of the blue that they would help me if I should ever leave my husband.

When I try bringing up serious issues (like our marriage) it gets shrugged off or he gets angry and won't talk to me. I don't know what else to do. I've tried for so long and have been pushed away so much that I've stopped trying. I feel so detached. I even told him a few weeks ago that I'm not in love with him anymore. It wasn't a screaming type of thing either, I just calmly told him over dinner one evening. I know he was hurt and I feel so bad for hurting him. It was something that needed said though. I don't think I have been in love with him for a long time, but it finally hit me all at once. The complicated thing now (other than the fact that we're married) is that we just purchased a house. I know that neither of us could afford to keep it on our own, so I worry about the money we may lose in that deal. 

I'm not angry with my husband for any of this. I used to get upset, hurt and angry, but I'm not anymore. Now I'm just believing more and more every day that we're two very different people and just not right for one another. I'm going to consider marriage counseling and see if that helps. I'm just worried that we're too far gone to be helped now. I always wanted a companion in my marriage, not a roommate. I want someone I can share my interests with and do things together. Someone who makes me laugh and laughs with me. With my husband, it feels like he holds a grudge against me or something and refuses to smile or laugh with me. I can see him holding it back and I don't understand why. I'm a very upbeat, positive person, but I feel like he brings me down.

I guess what I'm looking for in this is another person's perspective. Thank you for taking the time to read this. I know I have rambled quite a bit.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

> When I try bringing up serious issues (like our marriage) it gets shrugged off or he gets angry and won't talk to me.


Since you have taken the time to work out the problems and your H does not respond have a lawyer draft up D papers. Perhaps he will start listening. If H decides to shrug that off see through the divorce and find a mate that respects and cares for you.


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## confusedgirl7 (Jan 18, 2017)

Thank you for reading my post and taking the time to comment. I appreciate that. I honestly think that's where the relationship is headed. I just don't know if I'm quite there yet. I guess maybe I'm holding onto false hope and have a fear of change. My parents are divorced and I saw how their marriage was. I don't want to spend my life the way my mom did and that's how I feel at this point in my current marriage.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

confusedgirl7 said:


> Thank you for reading my post and taking the time to comment. I appreciate that. I honestly think that's where the relationship is headed. I just don't know if I'm quite there yet. I guess maybe I'm holding onto false hope and have a fear of change. My parents are divorced and I saw how their marriage was. I don't want to spend my life the way my mom did and that's how I feel at this point in my current marriage.


Understand you have attempted to work out the issues. You approached your H with your concerns only to be ignored and taken for granted. Perhaps not the D papers yet but the next talk will concern separation as you have made attempts to work things out to no avail. 

And to add but I did not think it really matter with my first post, the OCD with dirt and having to wear a glove or paper towel....yeah...that is something I could not live with. I also think you may be right concerning the sex and your H possibly thinking you are dirty as well. That does not sit well at all. Your H needs IC for this issue. Apparently your H refuses to acknowledge this problem with dirt as well as the problem with the marriage. 

Concerning how you live....that is entirely up to you. You make it happen.


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## confusedgirl7 (Jan 18, 2017)

I will definitely take your advice. Unless I see an very noticeable effort on his part, I will be attempting a separation. 

The OCD drives me nuts. I know that people can't help it and I have been very patient, but there is only so much a person can take. It has left me feeling hurt too many times. At some point he'll have to acknowledge that there is an issue there as well as with the marriage or else he's going to be a very unhappy person. You hit that nail on the head with him failing to acknowledge both of those issues.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

confusedgirl7 said:


> I will definitely take your advice. Unless I see an very noticeable effort on his part, I will be attempting a separation.
> 
> The OCD drives me nuts. I know that people can't help it and I have been very patient, but there is only so much a person can take. It has left me feeling hurt too many times. At some point he'll have to acknowledge that there is an issue there as well as with the marriage or else he's going to be a very unhappy person. You hit that nail on the head with him failing to acknowledge both of those issues.


Concerning the OCD, was this something that was present before marriage or started after marriage? Maybe small OCD problem that has grown into a full fledge issue that stifles not only a marriage but life in general? It appears the OCD had taken a toll on life in general for both of you. If it was there before marriage then it is kind of tough to go back as it was accepted. However, the other portion of not wanting to work on the marriage is enough to think it may be time to move on.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

You like to do things outdoors?

That is a dream come true for many men. You have value!

He sounds squishy to me.

It took him 10 years to marry you? Wow, what a ball of fire.

He is obstinate and sounds like a slug. The Bull Dog in his castle.

Dump him, get a Labrador or a Golden Retriever.

He has stolen 14 years of your time. Yes, YOU gave it to him. This was a major mistake.

Give him not a minute more.


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## confusedgirl7 (Jan 18, 2017)

The OCD was before marriage, but not nearly as severe. He would wash his hands a lot, but that was it. I never noticed anything like the things he does today. He blames it on his job. He didn't have health insurance for a while and works around kids, so he tells everyone it's because of that time...when he had to be extra cautious of germs. I think that's an excuse. I spoke with a friend of mine who is a counselor and she agrees that he needs to speak with someone on that issue. 

That's what I'm thinking too. That because he doesn't want to deal our marital issues as well as the fact that I'm tired of being shut down when I bring them up is making me think it's over.


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## confusedgirl7 (Jan 18, 2017)

@SunCMars Thank you! You made me smile  He is on the lazy side for sure and I am the complete opposite. One of my favorite hobbies is fishing and I can't even get him to do that with me. I believe that he grew up being spoiled and has a problem seeing any issue with himself at all. I'm not saying I'm perfect, but I can admit my faults and work on them. 

Ironically, I have a Lab! If only my man were as active as she is!


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

confusedgirl7 said:


> The OCD was before marriage, but not nearly as severe. He would wash his hands a lot, but that was it. I never noticed anything like the things he does today. He blames it on his job. He didn't have health insurance for a while and works around kids, so he tells everyone it's because of that time...when he had to be extra cautious of germs. I think that's an excuse. I spoke with a friend of mine who is a counselor and she agrees that he needs to speak with someone on that issue.
> 
> That's what I'm thinking too. That because he doesn't want to deal our marital issues as well as the fact that I'm tired of being shut down when I bring them up is making me think it's over.


Yes, the working with kids/health insurance sounds like an cover up to the real deep seated issue. If your H does not seek professional help then it is time to pull the plug. 

And SunCmars is dead on. You like adventure and outdoors. Plenty of guys see this a great personality trait. 

Give your H one more chance to work it out. If you get the "go away look" advise that separation is now the table. Sometimes you need to desire to lose the marriage to save it.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

Yeswecan said:


> Yes, the working with kids/health insurance sounds like an cover up to the real deep seated issue. If your H does not seek professional help then it is time to pull the plug.
> 
> And SunCmars is dead on. You like adventure and outdoors. Plenty of guys see this a great personality trait.
> 
> Give your H one more chance to work it out. If you get the "go away look" advise that separation is now the table. Sometimes you need to desire to lose the marriage to save it.


I agree with this. Based on his reaction, separation is the next step. Have papers drawn up (remember, you don't always have to sign them). Sometimes this is enough to light a fire under his a**. 

To me, it sounds like incompatibility. 

Sent from my SM-G930V using Tapatalk


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## confusedgirl7 (Jan 18, 2017)

tropicalbeachiwish said:


> I agree with this. Based on his reaction, separation is the next step. Have papers drawn up (remember, you don't always have to sign them). Sometimes this is enough to light a fire under his a**.
> 
> To me, it sounds like incompatibility.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G930V using Tapatalk



Thank you! I think that you are right. I feel like we're two very different people. I appreciate the advice.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

We all here hope things work out for all but sometimes things are not meant to be. Keep on posting here if you need to vent. Good luck.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

tropicalbeachiwish said:


> To me, it sounds like incompatibility.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G930V using Tapatalk


Concur. Some people are earth signs. Some people are water signs. Together they make mud.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

confusedgirl7 said:


> I will definitely take your advice. Unless I see an very noticeable effort on his part, I will be attempting a separation.
> 
> The OCD drives me nuts. I know that people can't help it and I have been very patient, but there is only so much a person can take. It has left me feeling hurt too many times. At some point he'll have to acknowledge that there is an issue there as well as with the marriage or else he's going to be a very unhappy person. You hit that nail on the head with him failing to acknowledge both of those issues.


If he doesn't see a problem with his OCD and doesn't see a problem with the "marriage", maybe he's happy living this way. Just because something would make you unhappy doesn't mean your H is unhappy the way you'd be if you were him.

He's not willing to work on his mental health issues and he's not willing to work on the marriage. I agree with the others, serve him either divorce or separation papers and follow through if he doesn't bust his butt to work on it.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

I have a certain phobia myself and have read up a little about them.
A morbid fear of bacteria (germs) is called mysophobia and is different from ocd but a lot of people with mysophobia are ocd.Has your husband any other symptoms of ocd other than the fear of germs,is his frequent hand washing done when he feels he has been in contact with germs or is it just ritual, does he buy excessive amounts of disinfectant or cleaning products?
Because he works with children he may feel they are carrying every germ known to man and this will make him worse.If on the rare occasions you are out together will he use public bathrooms,will he share food with you or anyone else,does he obsessively clean doorknobs,drawer handles etc.This can be hereditary so check were his parents obsessive about cleaning.
It may be worth pointing out to him that excessive use of medicated hand cleaners or soaps will leave him more open to infection.
This is not an easy phobia to treat and especially if he doesn't think there is anything wrong.Relaxation therapy may help,even a mild anti depressant would probably calm him down a little but in the long run he has to accept he has a serious problem or else you may need to move on.


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## confusedgirl7 (Jan 18, 2017)

Andy1001 said:


> I have a certain phobia myself and have read up a little about them.
> A morbid fear of bacteria (germs) is called mysophobia and is different from ocd but a lot of people with mysophobia are ocd.Has your husband any other symptoms of ocd other than the fear of germs,is his frequent hand washing done when he feels he has been in contact with germs or is it just ritual, does he buy excessive amounts of disinfectant or cleaning products?
> Because he works with children he may feel they are carrying every germ known to man and this will make him worse.If on the rare occasions you are out together will he use public bathrooms,will he share food with you or anyone else,does he obsessively clean doorknobs,drawer handles etc.This can be hereditary so check were his parents obsessive about cleaning.
> It may be worth pointing out to him that excessive use of medicated hand cleaners or soaps will leave him more open to infection.
> This is not an easy phobia to treat and especially if he doesn't think there is anything wrong.Relaxation therapy may help,even a mild anti depressant would probably calm him down a little but in the long run he has to accept he has a serious problem or else you may need to move on.



You just described him perfectly. He's constantly washing his hands. Basically, he washes them before and after he touches anything. When we go out, he'll use public restrooms, but won't touch anything after washing his hands. Then he'll use hand sanitizer as soon as he gets in the vehicle and before he'll touch his steering wheel. As soon as we get home, he gets a shower because he doesn't want to sit on the furniture in his "dirty" clothes. We can't even have a full date night because as soon as we get home from dinner, he thinks he has to shower. He won't touch doorknobs, even in our house. He uses tissues or napkins to touch them. His parents are definitely not like that because they've commented on it to him before also. We've all approached him about it very sympathetically and have expressed our concerns. No matter how we go about it, he won't acknowledge there is a problem. He just gets mad that we even brought it up. He's quite set in his ways with everything. He doesn't take criticism well, no matter how you do it.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

confusedgirl7 said:


> You just described him perfectly. He's constantly washing his hands. Basically, he washes them before and after he touches anything. When we go out, he'll use public restrooms, but won't touch anything after washing his hands. Then he'll use hand sanitizer as soon as he gets in the vehicle and before he'll touch his steering wheel. As soon as we get home, he gets a shower because he doesn't want to sit on the furniture in his "dirty" clothes. We can't even have a full date night because as soon as we get home from dinner, he thinks he has to shower. He won't touch doorknobs, even in our house. He uses tissues or napkins to touch them. His parents are definitely not like that because they've commented on it to him before also. We've all approached him about it very sympathetically and have expressed our concerns. No matter how we go about it, he won't acknowledge there is a problem. He just gets mad that we even brought it up. He's quite set in his ways with everything. He doesn't take criticism well, no matter how you do it.


Well you have a long road ahead of you if you want to try and change him.The biggest problem is he doesn't accept that he has a problem,it's worse than an alcoholic that thinks he is a social drinker even though he is drunk every day.Unless you are prepared for years of this I would separate even if you lose some money on the house.


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## confusedgirl7 (Jan 18, 2017)

Andy1001 said:


> Well you have a long road ahead of you if you want to try and change him.The biggest problem is he doesn't accept that he has a problem,it's worse than an alcoholic that thinks he is a social drinker even though he is drunk every day.Unless you are prepared for years of this I would separate even if you lose some money on the house.


Amen to that! I've accepted that he won't change until he realizes he has a problem. That's one of the reasons I've basically given up. If only one of us seems to be unhappy and the other person won't acknowledge that unhappiness, it's just not right. We're two very different people and heading in different directions.


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## Grapes (Oct 21, 2016)

man o man. a women who wants to be outside and especially FISH. you do have some value in the open market for sure!

unfortunately if hes always been a lazy TV watcher then he probably wont change. My wife is the same. I love to snowboard, fish, hunt and be generally active but she likes to do.. well nothing.

One time i actually sat down and had her teach me how to knit so i could get involved in one of her hobbies. But she would start and ditch hobbies like under ware. She never really wanted or had interest in doing anything like physical activity. its a wonder we made it as long as we did.

I can tell you though... It doesnt get better. 

Come to Jesus talk should be in order where you clearly state your intentions and expectations.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

confusedgirl7 said:


> Amen to that! I've accepted that he won't change until he realizes he has a problem. That's one of the reasons I've basically given up. If only one of us seems to be unhappy and the other person won't acknowledge that unhappiness, it's just not right. We're two very different people and heading in different directions.


You mentioned wanting children. It's possible your H's mental illness is genetically inheritable and it's also possible a child growing up in his household might be negatively influenced by both his behavior and his refusal to address it. 

Children live what they learn. A child's views on what is normal in family life and in adult romantic relationships are formed by watching their parents model behavior. Children are very likely to have a marriage similar to the one modeled for them by their mother and father (or mothers and fathers for same sex couples raising families).

Would you want your child to live the kind of marriage you are currently in?


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

confusedgirl7 said:


> You just described him perfectly. He's constantly washing his hands. Basically, he washes them before and after he touches anything. When we go out, he'll use public restrooms, but won't touch anything after washing his hands. Then he'll use hand sanitizer as soon as he gets in the vehicle and before he'll touch his steering wheel. As soon as we get home, he gets a shower because he doesn't want to sit on the furniture in his "dirty" clothes. We can't even have a full date night because as soon as we get home from dinner, he thinks he has to shower. He won't touch doorknobs, even in our house. He uses tissues or napkins to touch them. His parents are definitely not like that because they've commented on it to him before also. We've all approached him about it very sympathetically and have expressed our concerns. No matter how we go about it, he won't acknowledge there is a problem. He just gets mad that we even brought it up. He's quite set in his ways with everything. He doesn't take criticism well, no matter how you do it.


My W's cousin to a T. Her hands get washed so much her skin is dry and cracked badly. And yes, with the showering. Usually 3-4 times a day.


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## confusedgirl7 (Jan 18, 2017)

Grapes said:


> man o man. a women who wants to be outside and especially FISH. you do have some value in the open market for sure!
> 
> unfortunately if hes always been a lazy TV watcher then he probably wont change. My wife is the same. I love to snowboard, fish, hunt and be generally active but she likes to do.. well nothing.
> 
> ...


 I definitely don't have a problem relating to men.  I also used to hunt and plan to get back into that next year. I've grown up with men and have always worked around them, so I'm really not concerned about being alone or finding someone else. It's finding the right someone else because I don't want to make the same mistake twice. That's way down the road though. For now, I'm going to give my marriage one last shot at least for a few months. If I see little to no effort, I think the separation will be inevitable because I don't want to live like this forever. It's so comforting to find so many people who have been in my shoes and who understand what it's like.

I would be shocked if my husband ever tried to take an interest in one of my hobbies! Especially something like knitting. He'd never do that in a million years! Your wife sounds a lot like my husband. I think he could sit in front of the tv the rest of his life as long as someone was there to bring him food.


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## confusedgirl7 (Jan 18, 2017)

MJJEAN said:


> You mentioned wanting children. It's possible your H's mental illness is genetically inheritable and it's also possible a child growing up in his household might be negatively influenced by both his behavior and his refusal to address it.
> 
> Children live what they learn. A child's views on what is normal in family life and in adult romantic relationships are formed by watching their parents model behavior. Children are very likely to have a marriage similar to the one modeled for them by their mother and father (or mothers and fathers for same sex couples raising families).
> 
> Would you want your child to live the kind of marriage you are currently in?


Honestly, I've thought about whether or not my husband would be able to take care of children should we have them. I figure he'd be too grossed out. I never, however, thought about them growing up and modeling that behavior. I'm so glad you brought that up. I definitely don't want them living the same life I currently am. That's a lot to think about! Thank you for that!


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## confusedgirl7 (Jan 18, 2017)

Yeswecan said:


> My W's cousin to a T. Her hands get washed so much her skin is dry and cracked badly. And yes, with the showering. Usually 3-4 times a day.


Same with my husband! His hands are always cracked and bleeding. He showers at least 3 times a day and usually for 30 minutes each time.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

confusedgirl7 said:


> Honestly, I've thought about whether or not my husband would be able to take care of children should we have them. I figure he'd be too grossed out. I never, however, thought about them growing up and modeling that behavior. I'm so glad you brought that up. I definitely don't want them living the same life I currently am. That's a lot to think about! Thank you for that!


My W cousin with the exact type of OCD does have a child. Although grossed out by the diaper(like most) she did fine by her daughter.


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

confusedgirl7 said:


> Honestly, I've thought about whether or not my husband would be able to take care of children should we have them. I figure he'd be too grossed out. I never, however, thought about them growing up and modeling that behavior. I'm so glad you brought that up. I definitely don't want them living the same life I currently am. That's a lot to think about! Thank you for that!


Quote from @confusedgirl7 is so true. My parents weren't obsessed with germs like your husband but man they were obsessed with cleanliness. Everything was structured and ran like clockwork. Our childhoods revolved around chores. Nothing fun took place until the house was completely clean, and after fun time, clean up time YAYE! . I absolutely hated it as a child but guess how I turned out, yup, exactly like my parents. Every single one of their 6 children, obsessed with cleanliness. 

I know my sisters have certainly had the same struggles I'm coping with now; realizing the frustrations it creates when our partners do not share the same obsessive values. In the beginning I felt repulsed by what I viewed as his disgusting habits. I'm learning to accept now that my perceptions of cleanliness are a bit extreme and only serve to cause me stress. I struggle with it daily, multiple times per day. All of this unnecessary stress because my parents were so obsessive. 

If it were my choice, I would not be this obsessive. It's very taxing unless one plans to live on their own, never have kids or is willing to put in effort to find a partner with the same obsessive behaviours. 

All this to say, don't raise kids in that environment!


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Yeswecan said:


> Concur. Some people are earth signs. Some people are water signs. Together they make mud.



;-} :-] ;-) :-} ><

You can play first base on my team, anytime!


:nerd:


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

confusedgirl7 said:


> Honestly, I've thought about whether or not my husband would be able to take care of children should we have them. I figure he'd be too grossed out. I never, however, thought about them growing up and modeling that behavior. I'm so glad you brought that up. I definitely don't want them living the same life I currently am. That's a lot to think about! Thank you for that!


It is! I know most understand the huge responsibility of child rearing in theory, but don't really understand the burden and blessing until they actually have a child. Many, myself included, underestimate how much choice of other parent and how healthy their marriage is can effect a kid.

I hope you understand it's not just the OCD behaviors. Even if your H could handle the grossness of the little disease vectors (Kids really are gross and they tend to bring home every bug that comes down the pike) and you were willing to do all the hands on work, think of how a child might feel getting little to no physical affection from it's father. What it would be like to grow up under strict cleanliness rules, to see Dad has a problem he won't do anything to address, to see as proper a cold marital relationship devoid of hugs and kisses freely given and received, to think a couple sleeping separately is normal. 

When young children's parents divorce, the children often blame themselves. They think they did something wrong or are defective in some way and therefore the cause of the split. If your H couldn't freely offer touch and affection to a snot nosed exuberant toddler with sticky fingers, that kid is bound to feel deep hurt, rejected, and start to feel there is something intrinsically wrong with himself or herself.

Basically, the child would feel the same hurt you do without the understanding of an adult mind to buffer it even just a little. 



confusedgirl7 said:


> Same with my husband! His hands are always cracked and bleeding. He showers at least 3 times a day and usually for 30 minutes each time.


Lord, I hope you have an awesome hot water tank and vats of lotion! :grin2:



Yeswecan said:


> My W cousin with the exact type of OCD does have a child. Although grossed out by the diaper(like most) she did fine by her daughter.


Some do ok, others not so much. My dad never changed a diaper or wiped snot from a nose or cleaned up vomit because he just couldn't handle it. He'd literally run from the room. I seriously thought he was going to have to be committed when my sister and I got Chicken Pox at the same time. Two of his brothers and one of his sisters are the same.



Keke24 said:


> Quote from @confusedgirl7 is so true. My parents weren't obsessed with germs like your husband but man they were obsessed with cleanliness. Everything was structured and ran like clockwork. Our childhoods revolved around chores. Nothing fun took place until the house was completely clean, and after fun time, clean up time YAYE! . I absolutely hated it as a child but guess how I turned out, yup, exactly like my parents. Every single one of their 6 children, obsessed with cleanliness.
> 
> I know my sisters have certainly had the same struggles I'm coping with now; realizing the frustrations it creates when our partners do not share the same obsessive values. In the beginning I felt repulsed by what I viewed as his disgusting habits. I'm learning to accept now that my perceptions of cleanliness are a bit extreme and only serve to cause me stress. I struggle with it daily, multiple times per day. All of this unnecessary stress because my parents were so obsessive.
> 
> ...


My mother was single when she had me and didn't meet my Dad until I was 4 years old. Dad's parents had 6 kids in a 3 bedroom small bungalow house. Grandma liked to keep a _very_ clean home because to do otherwise was shameful to her. When Dad was a tween, she injure her back at work and was out of commission for almost two years. The kids tried to do the chores and keep the house clean, but they were kids. That experience definitely impacted my Dad. He was a neat freak! So much as a tiny piece of paper landed on the carpet and the whole entire house had to be vacuumed. One dish wasn't totally clean and they all had to come out of the cupboards and be washed immediately. That kind of thing. 

When I had kids of my own, I felt immense pressure to have a perfect house. It took me more than a decade to learn to relax and not lose my grip over a towel in the bathroom or dishes in the sink or a coat on the back of a dining room chair. Sometimes, I still have to consciously remind myself that the world won't stop turning and my friends will still like me if there are a few dishes in the sink and a dust bunny or two under the couch.

My little sister, who is now grown with a husband and 6 girls of her own, can't go to sleep is there is anything out of place or a single dish in the sink. She obsessively cleans. The Universe will implode if someone were to come over and see a spec of dust anywhere. Every time I go to her house for a gathering, she's always stressed and she's too busy cleaning to chat and catch up. She misses out on so much just like I once did only she's in her 30's now and showing no signs of relaxing AT ALL. It's sad.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It's no uncommon for two spouses to have a very different view of the marriage.

You are unhappy in the marriage and have told him so many times with attempts to get your needs met.

Does your husband acknowledge these problems? Does he talk about marital problems that he has? Or does he think that your marriage is good?

My bet is that he thinks that the marriage is good, or he's happy, and therefore pays little to no attention to the things you have brought up to him. 

Is this accurate?


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## confusedgirl7 (Jan 18, 2017)

MJJEAN said:


> It is! I know most understand the huge responsibility of child rearing in theory, but don't really understand the burden and blessing until they actually have a child. Many, myself included, underestimate how much choice of other parent and how healthy their marriage is can effect a kid.
> 
> I hope you understand it's not just the OCD behaviors. Even if your H could handle the grossness of the little disease vectors (Kids really are gross and they tend to bring home every bug that comes down the pike) and you were willing to do all the hands on work, think of how a child might feel getting little to no physical affection from it's father. What it would be like to grow up under strict cleanliness rules, to see Dad has a problem he won't do anything to address, to see as proper a cold marital relationship devoid of hugs and kisses freely given and received, to think a couple sleeping separately is normal.
> 
> ...


I'm definitely not so obsessive with cleaning that I can't sleep if something isn't done, but I do hate things sitting around and I clean the house from top to bottom every weekend. That's one thing I can't understand with him acting like things are dirty or covered in germs. I keep my house WAY cleaner than the home he grew up in. Not that his parent's house is dirty by any means, but I would say mine is a lot more tidy. 

I tried talking to my husband about the OCD again last night, but it went no where. He told me he doesn't think there's anything wrong with him. I guess all I can do is be patient, hope things change and if not go our own ways.


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## confusedgirl7 (Jan 18, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> It's no uncommon for two spouses to have a very different view of the marriage.
> 
> You are unhappy in the marriage and have told him so many times with attempts to get your needs met.
> 
> ...


I think it is accurate to say that he's at least content in our marriage. When I've asked him what things he is unhappy about, the only thing he'll ever tell me is the lack of intimacy. I used to make advances to him in the past, but was rejected so many times that I don't even try anymore. He never used to acknowledge any of the marital problems I would bring up. It would go in one ear and out the other. Ever since I told him I was not in love with him anymore, he has started listening, but has not made any attempts to improve the marriage or work with me on things. He typically just gets mad at me. Communication is not a strong suit of his, not at all.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

confusedgirl7 said:


> I think it is accurate to say that he's at least content in our marriage. When I've asked him what things he is unhappy about, the only thing he'll ever tell me is the lack of intimacy. I used to make advances to him in the past, but was rejected so many times that I don't even try anymore. He never used to acknowledge any of the marital problems I would bring up. It would go in one ear and out the other. Ever since I told him I was not in love with him anymore, he has started listening, but has not made any attempts to improve the marriage or work with me on things. He typically just gets mad at me. Communication is not a strong suit of his, not at all.


Well if he is not making any changes to his behaviour then he might as well not be listening to you.You have been very patient but I wouldn't waste another minute with him.
Rejecting you sexually,ocd,mysophobia,some passive aggressiveness and some real aggressiveness,ignoring your concerns about the marriage and refusing to go anywhere or do anything that interests you.He sounds like a real prize.If you are determined to try to work this out pick one of his problems and give him a timeline,maybe a month or six weeks and make it clear you want to see some real effort on his part to change and if not either leave or throw him out.It won't be hard to get him to leave just start leaving windows open or better still get a dog or cat.


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## confusedgirl7 (Jan 18, 2017)

Andy1001 said:


> Well if he is not making any changes to his behaviour then he might as well not be listening to you.You have been very patient but I wouldn't waste another minute with him.
> Rejecting you sexually,ocd,mysophobia,some passive aggressiveness and some real aggressiveness,ignoring your concerns about the marriage and refusing to go anywhere or do anything that interests you.He sounds like a real prize.If you are determined to try to work this out pick one of his problems and give him a timeline,maybe a month or six weeks and make it clear you want to see some real effort on his part to change and if not either leave or throw him out.It won't be hard to get him to leave just start leaving windows open or better still get a dog or cat.


Thank you for the advise and for recognizing all the issues. It gives me comfort knowing that it's not all in my head. I've decided to give the marriage until July. If I see little to no effort, I'm going to speak with an attorney. I have not told my husband this yet, but plan to within the next few days.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

confusedgirl7 said:


> I'm definitely not so obsessive with cleaning that I can't sleep if something isn't done, but I do hate things sitting around and I clean the house from top to bottom every weekend. That's one thing I can't understand with him acting like things are dirty or covered in germs. I keep my house WAY cleaner than the home he grew up in. Not that his parent's house is dirty by any means, but I would say mine is a lot more tidy.
> 
> I tried talking to my husband about the OCD again last night, but it went no where. He told me he doesn't think there's anything wrong with him. I guess all I can do is be patient, hope things change and if not go our own ways.


I think it's quite normal to do light cleaning during the work week and only do deep top to bottom cleaning on the weekends. It's definitely not you or your housekeeping skills.

You and his family have already tried talking to him and he still thinks nothing is wrong. Have you considered _demanding_ he go with you to at least one appointment with a therapist to get an unbiased professional opinion? If an independent, impartial, trained professional tells him he has a problem, maybe he'll listen.



confusedgirl7 said:


> I think it is accurate to say that he's at least content in our marriage. When I've asked him what things he is unhappy about, the only thing he'll ever tell me is the lack of intimacy. I used to make advances to him in the past, but was rejected so many times that I don't even try anymore. He never used to acknowledge any of the marital problems I would bring up. It would go in one ear and out the other. *Ever since I told him I was not in love with him anymore, he has started listening, but has not made any attempts to improve the marriage or work with me on things. He typically just gets mad at me. Communication is not a strong suit of his, not at all.*


You told him you aren't in love with him anymore and got his attention, so maybe try telling him very explicitly that he either sees a professional with you and starts doing the work to make changes or you're filing. No if's, and's, or but's.



confusedgirl7 said:


> Thank you for the advise and for recognizing all the issues. It gives me comfort knowing that it's not all in my head. I've decided to give the marriage until July. If I see little to no effort, I'm going to speak with an attorney. I have not told my husband this yet, but plan to within the next few days.


It's definitely not in your head. When you tell him, make sure you leave no room for him to minimize the seriousness of the situation. He must fully understand that this is it. Last Chance Saloon. Do or die time.



Andy1001 said:


> It won't be hard to get him to leave just start leaving windows open or better still get a dog or cat.


>

(I hope the humor isn't offending ConfusedGirl17. I'm one who tries to find humor in everything because it's often either laugh or cry in this world.)


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## confusedgirl7 (Jan 18, 2017)

MJJEAN said:


> I think it's quite normal to do light cleaning during the work week and only do deep top to bottom cleaning on the weekends. It's definitely not you or your housekeeping skills.
> 
> You and his family have already tried talking to him and he still thinks nothing is wrong. Have you considered _demanding_ he go with you to at least one appointment with a therapist to get an unbiased professional opinion? If an independent, impartial, trained professional tells him he has a problem, maybe he'll listen.
> 
> ...


No, I have not tried demanding that he see someone. I really don't like forcing anyone to do anything they don't want to. I'd much rather he see it on his own and want to go, but clearly that isn't happening. I do think I'll take the advise to speak with a professional with me. I'm also going to tell him I'm only giving it a few more months to see improvement. 

I definitely don't back down when I tell him the things that are upsetting or troubling me. He does try to turn it around and make me feel guilty for him though. He does that almost every single time. I used to give in and apologize, but not anymore. I'm tired of being the one doing all the comforting and not getting anything in return.

And no, I'm not taking offense to any of this  I have a good sense of humor and am always trying to find the best in everything.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

confusedgirl7 said:


> No, I have not tried demanding that he see someone. I really don't like forcing anyone to do anything they don't want to. I'd much rather he see it on his own and want to go, but clearly that isn't happening. I do think I'll take the advise to speak with a professional with me. I'm also going to tell him I'm only giving it a few more months to see improvement.
> 
> I definitely don't back down when I tell him the things that are upsetting or troubling me. *He does try to turn it around and make me feel guilty for him though. He does that almost every single time. *I used to give in and apologize, but not anymore. I'm tired of being the one doing all the comforting and not getting anything in return.
> 
> And no, I'm not taking offense to any of this  I have a good sense of humor and am always trying to find the best in everything.


The bolded is emotional manipulation. It's good that you aren't falling for it anymore.

Really, really, make sure he understands you are seriously going to walk if he doesn't get help AND put in the actual work required to improve. Hopefully, his love for you will motivate him to want to do what needs to be done.

If all else fails and you decide you want him to move out, but he won't go, I have 3 gross but sweet canines you could borrow!


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## confusedgirl7 (Jan 18, 2017)

MJJEAN said:


> The bolded is emotional manipulation. It's good that you aren't falling for it anymore.
> 
> Really, really, make sure he understands you are seriously going to walk if he doesn't get help AND put in the actual work required to improve. Hopefully, his love for you will motivate him to want to do what needs to be done.
> 
> If all else fails and you decide you want him to move out, but he won't go, I have 3 gross but sweet canines you could borrow!


Hahaha! Thanks for offering to share your dogs! I'll make sure he's fully aware of my plans. If he won't leave, I'll leave. I'm fine with that.


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