# My wife says "...you don't get it...."



## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

and, she is right.....I don't.....

yesterday morning, my SIL lost her 10-year battle with cancer. Her husband, her two daughters, her sister, her sister-in-law, my wife, and her mother were all in attendance.

All these people remained there while the coroner came to take her away, and remained there following.

My wife calls me at work to tell me three hours later. She wants me to leave work and go over there so that she can come home and tend to a sick cat. I told her I would do the best I could, I left two hours early and made the 2-hour drive to my BIL's house. When I arrive there, my wife has gone home, and there are 6 other adults there from the family.

I offered my condolences to my BIL. I was told by the family there that my wife was coming back.

Later, my wife is angry at me because I didn't leave work immediately upon her call.....

she said, "you don't get it.... he needs his family around him....he is traumatized....." - however, he had between 6 and 8 family members there already....

beyond what I did, I could have walked up to her dead body in sandals and said "SIL, come forth...." - however, there would have been no response... I'm not Him....

Please.... somebody tell me why she encompasses land and sea whenever they call, but she doesn't give a carpenter's damn about THIS family and how we need money, clothes, food.....

It has to be "her" family, or "her" cats......she is supposedly part of MY family....but I don't count......


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

If it were me, I would not have these conversations with her. You don't have to listen, and you don't have to participate.

What you've written comes across like she was pissed off that you didn't do what she told you to do.

That's it - it's not about the family members, not the death. You simply weren't compliant _enough_.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Because she doesn't. She doesn't, period. And she is using you as a workhorse for $$$$. That's it. It's not a surprise to you.

This is what it is. I know you say you aren't going to leave this horrendous relationship, but it might be healthy for you to detach from her, detach from caring about this stuff and try to build a life with other interests and friends.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Your wife sees you as an extension of herself. You not hopping right to it makes her think that others will think ill of her.

FWIW, employers generally offer bereavement time for members of your immediate family - your wife's sister is not your immediate family. Don't worry about it - I'm sure your wife's brother-in-law understood.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> Your wife sees you as an extension of herself.


That's insightful. That's probably why she is mad when I buy my own clothes, and will immediately go shopping "for me" and wants to dress me like her ex.



Blondilocks said:


> employers generally offer bereavement time for members of your immediate family - your wife's sister is not your immediate family.


You're correct.... however, my wife would consider it unfair of my employer not to offer it for her 4th cousin twice removed....


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

You made the effort, you made an appearance.
You paid your respects. You did the right thing.
Your SIL was already gone. It's not like an earlier presence was going to bring her back to life.
The problem is with your wife. She thinks you are her personal doormat.
You can only be her own personal combat boot wiping device with your permission.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

TJW said:


> That's insightful. That's probably why she is mad when I buy my own clothes, and will immediately go shopping "for me" and wants to dress me like her ex.


That's all kinds of ****ed up.


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## C.C. says ... (Aug 1, 2020)

Tdbo said:


> The problem is with your wife. She thinks you are her personal doormat.


^ from what I read of your posts so far, OP, I think it’s this too.

Even your profile pic. You’re pretty cute but when I look at it, I see a defeated man. Shoulders slumped. Sad. Very unsure of yourself. You look like you’re one step away from putting a bullet in your head. And _still _you stay there and deal with this crap.

Can I ask you and all of the guys something? With so many similar threads here, please tell me _whyyyy _some of you guys stay in situations like this? A lot of you say ‘love’ but c’mon. What about self respect? Why do you live off of breadcrumbs when there are other women out there that might be a better fit and might actually treasure you!

I see so many men putting up with things like this. A lot of them say that they don’t want to be alone. Isn’t it better to be alone with self respect than in bad company?

You know, sometimes women are going to push to see what you’ll put up with. They _want _you to be a man. They _want _you to stand up to them. Draw a line in the sand already. Tell her you’re not going to put up with it anymore! If she keeps it up, you LEAVE. Whether it be for an night or forever! * edited


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

You le


TJW said:


> and, she is right.....I don't.....
> 
> yesterday morning, my SIL lost her 10-year battle with cancer. Her husband, her two daughters, her sister, her sister-in-law, my wife, and her mother were all in attendance.
> 
> ...


You left when you could...that should be enough. I don't think it's that much of an emergency where you had to leave work right away, like say, if someone got seriously hurt or was in the hospital. You should eventually let her know that, but with her sister just dying, I may not bring it up right away, unless she does.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

C.C. says ... said:


> Can I ask you and all of the guys something? With so many similar threads here, please tell me _whyyyy _some of you guys stay in situations like this? A lot of you say ‘love’ but c’mon. What about self respect? Why do you live off of breadcrumbs when there are other women out there that might be a better fit and might actually treasure you!
> 
> You know, sometimes women are going to push to see what you’ll put up with. They _want _you to be a man. They _want _you to stand up to them. Draw a line in the sand already. Tell her you’re not going to put up with it anymore! If she keeps it up, you LEAVE. Whether it be for an night or forever! Get some balls and get them now! (No offense)


There’s an old story about the guy at the circus that see a big ol’ African bull elephant ties to a fence post with a little hunk of rope behind the circus tent.

The man tells the handler that there is no way a rope and fence post could hold an elephant.

The handler replies, “yeah, but he doesn’t know that. When he was born he was chained to a big post with a heavy chain. He learned that when there was something tied to his leg that he could t go anywhere. He accepted it and never tried to break that chain as an adult when he’d be able to snap it like a twig.” 

This is going to be psychobabble gobaltygook, but men are often raised the same way. When they are born they are small and helpless and dependent on Mommy’s love and care. They learn early that to get mommy’s love and care they must be compliant and not upset her. 

As boys grow and enter their teens and early 20s, most boys struggle with girl’s attention and desire unless they are the jock or exceptionally good looking or a very early developer. 

A lot of young men will lack on to one of the first women that have sex with them and like the little boy not wanting to jeopardize Mommy’s love will allow themselves to be henpecked and cukolded for fear of being abandoned and left to die alone.

Many adult men are like the bull elephant that can snap the rope that holds them back in an instant but don’t realize it. 

They may be a developed, adult man that is well able to ensure their boundaries with their women and expect proper treatment from them, but their inner little boy fears angering their partner and losing her love. 

They also have this little voice in them that tells them if they lose this woman, that no others would have them and they will never have sex again and they will die alone in a one room skid row apartment being eaten by their cats. 

These men need to learn to recognize their own strength and ability and be willing to exert their boundaries and expect proper treatment.

Then if that doesn’t work they need to understand that they have the strength and ability to detach from one woman and find another.


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## C.C. says ... (Aug 1, 2020)

oldshirt said:


> There’s an old story about the guy at the circus that see a big ol’ African bull elephant ties to a fence post with a little hunk of rope behind the circus tent.
> 
> The man tells the handler that there is no way a rope and fence post could hold an elephant.
> 
> ...


Very eloquent and thoughtful post. I think I understand. It’s just so sad. 

I wonder if it’s like a woman being with an abuser? She’ll stay with a man that physically abuses her because sometimes, he’ll show a little love. Then she’s falling all over herself just to do anything to please him so that she can feel that ‘love’ again. I wonder with emotional abuse (like this seems to be to me) works the same way? Maybe she’s good to him sometimes so he stays and continues to bend over backwards to please her. That and like you say, thinking no one else would want him because his self esteem is in the toilet.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

TJW said:


> Please.... somebody tell me why she encompasses land and sea whenever they call, but she doesn't give a carpenter's damn about THIS family and how we need money, clothes, food.....


You've mentioned before that you are your wife's Plan B. She doesn't respect you, so I'd say she's simply treating you like her Plan B that she uses for monetary benefits. Her behavior is consistent with your assessment of her. 

Perhaps you could detach by not involving yourself as much in her business. If she starts griping, just say "Yeah, okay." Be noncommittal and attempt to check-out emotionally to some degree. Detachment is the key here.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

She wants a spankin?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

C.C. says ... said:


> Very eloquent and thoughtful post. I think I understand. It’s just so sad.
> 
> I wonder if it’s like a woman being with an abuser? She’ll stay with a man that physically abuses her because sometimes, he’ll show a little love. Then she’s falling all over herself just to do anything to please him so that she can feel that ‘love’ again. I wonder with emotional abuse (like this seems to be to me) works the same way? Maybe she’s good to him sometimes so he stays and continues to bend over backwards to please her. That and like you say, thinking no one else would want him because his self esteem is in the toilet.


Some of the same conditioned subconscious thought processes are probably taking place with daddy issues as well. 

Many families relied on Daddy’s income and support and if Daddy left, his support would often go with him or would be drastically reduced. 

If Daddy was an asshole and mean or a cheater or molester, it was often tolerated because the family still needed his financial support. 

I personally know a woman who’s mother’s husband was molesting and beating her. When she was roughly 12-14ish and knew it wasn’t right and was getting to be more than she could bear, she told her mother.

Her mother told her she needed to try to avoid him and not upset him and to keep her mouth shut because if he got mad and left, or if the authorities found out and intervened, that he wouldn’t be able to support them anymore and that she and her younger brothers would be left out in the cold. 

In other words, her mother made it her duty to the family to not make waves or irritate him. 

So little girls too grow up with the message that they need to appease Daddy and appeal to his love, acceptance and support even if he is an asshole and even if he treats them badly. 

As a little girl, they are powerless and without means to leave and support themselves.

They too grow up tied to the Heavy post with the log chain and don’t recognize their strength and ability as an adult.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

TJW said:


> Please.... somebody tell me why she encompasses land and sea whenever they call, but she doesn't give a carpenter's damn about THIS family and how we need money, clothes, food.....
> 
> It has to be "her" family, or "her" cats......she is supposedly part of MY family....but I don't count......


The wolf doesn’t care what the sheep wants or what the sheep thinks.

She sees you as the side kick and comic relief and not the hero. She doesn’t respect or desire you. 

She sees you as Pat and not as Roy Rodgers. As Festus and not Marshal Dillon. As Barney Fife and not Andy Griffith. 

You are her beta provider and errand boy that serves her and not an independent and self-determined man that she respects and admires.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

This is just who she is.

Nothing she does should surprise you at this point.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

And you are correct that you don’t count and very likely never did. Her reason for marrying you was not what yours was for marrying her.

Since you’re in this until one of you is gone, you need to come to terms with your life with her. It’s not going to change.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

oldshirt said:


> not an independent and self-determined man that she respects and admires.


The man who was "plan A" is the farthest thing from this you can possibly imagine. He was a guy who sat on the couch, grew weed in her basement, and didn't work for 5 years while she supported him.

Go figure.


C.C. says ... said:


> please tell me _whyyyy _some of you guys stay in situations like this?


For me, it's a sacred commitment. I don't come here looking for people to tell me to leave. I come here to gain insight as to why she does these things. 

And, BTW, it's not her sister, it's her SIL. Her brother. Her BABY brother, who she mollycoddles through life like he is 5 years old. That's what her mother did, my life learned almost everything, including "how to be a shrew in 3 easy lessons" and "how to go from 0 to ***** in 5 seconds" (which she is proud of).....


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Openminded said:


> Since you’re in this until one of you is gone, you need to come to terms with your life with her.


This is a belief that needs to be challenged.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

TJW said:


> The man who was "plan A" is the farthest thing from this you can possibly imagine. He was a guy who sat on the couch, grew weed in her basement, and didn't work for 5 years while she supported him.
> 
> Go figure.


Sounds like he was the alpha. 

He was doing what he wanted and she was serving him. He had it made.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

oldshirt said:


> This is a belief that needs to be challenged.


He could get out but he won’t. She could change but she won’t. I no longer believe in staying in a dysfunctional marriage until the end (which he’s done twice already) but many do and he’s one. He needs to learn not to let what she says and does affect him. The odds of that? Not good, I’m afraid.


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## C.C. says ... (Aug 1, 2020)

TJW said:


> For me, it's a sacred commitment. I don't come here looking for people to tell me to leave. I come here to gain insight as to why she does these things.


Well, I can’t very well tell you to stay in this **** show of a marriage with good conscience. I’m sorry.

I already told you why _ I think_ she does these things. Because she doesn’t respect you. You’re the whipping boy.

I see that I’ve offended you. Wasn’t my intention. So ... I guess keep letting her treat you like crap then? I still feel bad for you.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

TJW said:


> I come here to gain insight as to why she does these things.


Why?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

I guess I should add, what do you think will occur if you gain more insight? Do you think it will help you in how you respond to her?


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## Luminous (Jan 14, 2018)

ConanHub said:


> She wants a spankin?


Would be a good start to gauge her reaction to a display of dominance


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

TJW said:


> For me, it's a sacred commitment. I don't come here looking for people to tell me to leave. I come here to gain insight as to why she does these things.


Does the sheep really need to know why the wolf eats it or does it need to learn how to get away from it and protect himself?


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

ConanHub said:


> She wants a spankin?


 No correction....she needs a spanking


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

TJW said:


> and, she is right.....I don't.....
> 
> yesterday morning, my SIL lost her 10-year battle with cancer. Her husband, her two daughters, her sister, her sister-in-law, my wife, and her mother were all in attendance.
> 
> ...


Your wife's sister died?
That is immediate family, I'd probably leave work and you should get time off for that. FMLA or whatever it is called. 
I guess I do not see your side of it. 
I wouldn't expect a spouse to just keep working when their brother or sister died. That isn't some distant 5th cousin....it was a sister. Go be with your wife. 
Who has to die for you to take off work?
I do not understand you not leaving work. Legally you are entitled to take time off when there is a close death in the family.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

TJW said:


> hat's probably why she is mad when I buy my own clothes, and will immediately go shopping "for me" and wants to dress me like her ex.


MY response to her doing this would be "Oh GREAT -- you bought mens clothes for the Church clothing drive! Awesome, I'll bring them right over to the Church" and then DO that. If she gets pissed tell her tough, I don't dress like an unemployed drug growing dirt bag.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

TJW said:


> and, she is right.....I don't.....
> 
> yesterday morning, my SIL lost her 10-year battle with cancer. Her husband, her two daughters, her sister, her sister-in-law, my wife, and her mother were all in attendance.
> 
> ...


Your wife wanted you there. It's not really about your brother in law, it's about your wife needing you because she is upset. But she don't want to have to say, I am upset I need you.

All you need to know is your wife's sister died, she is traumatized and she needs you. Work is not important right now.

I mean you can look at it like she is being emotional and irrational, lots of men do. Don't think that's going to help you much. Or you can see this as your chance to be her hero for a while. It's not that hard to step up with this is going on, carry her for a while and then watch as her eyes light up because you did.

Take over some of her day to day, ask her how she is doing. Buy her coffee and bring it to her. Watch what happens if you do that.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Your wife’s brother’s wife?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Yeah, I think it's not his wife's sister who died. It's his wife's sister in law who did.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

Yes, I think it was her brother’s wife that died.

He did go to her and them, after delaying less that a full shift at work, and leaving work early.

IIRC, her request was for him to come be with his brother and her family (maybe so she could leave and take care of a cat for awhile?).

If there’s grief and stress she is having difficulty coping with, then, sure, be what she claims she needs you to be for the moment, regardless if her requests seem logical on the surface. If she seems fine, but you feel she is just trying to control you now like she always does try, then be who you need yourself to be.

In any case, in the future, read up on how to deal with controlling people (people who try to control others). Maybe lookup Patricia Evans.

Since you’re staying, I’ll say it does sound like there might things you can do differently — in interactions with her, and in building your own mindset — to make it more bearable and less burdensome. Easy for me to say.

I wish you well.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Family is important to her and she doesn't want you making a bad impression on family. She probably knows that they would judge you for not being in attendance.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

TJW said:


> For me, it's a sacred commitment. I don't come here looking for people to tell me to leave. I come here to gain insight as to why she does these things.


She does these things to you, because you choose to let her. If you really want insight, you would do well to figure out why you choose to be a victim.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

TJW said:


> The man who was "plan A" is the farthest thing from this you can possibly imagine. He was a guy who sat on the couch, grew weed in her basement, and didn't work for 5 years while she supported him.


So, Plan A was someone with high self-regard. Appealing to someone who lacks self-respect and things anyone who respects them must be worthless.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

oldshirt said:


> Some of the same conditioned subconscious thought processes are probably taking place with daddy issues as well.
> 
> Many families relied on Daddy’s income and support and if Daddy left, his support would often go with him or would be drastically reduced.
> 
> ...


I’m not sure who I find more disgusting, the abuser or the mother that let her kid be abused. That’s beyond sick! GAH!


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

oldshirt said:


> Some of the same conditioned subconscious thought processes are probably taking place with daddy issues as well.
> 
> Many families relied on Daddy’s income and support and if Daddy left, his support would often go with him or would be drastically reduced.
> 
> ...





oldshirt said:


> Some of the same conditioned subconscious thought processes are probably taking place with daddy issues as well.
> 
> Many families relied on Daddy’s income and support and if Daddy left, his support would often go with him or would be drastically reduced.
> 
> ...


I think this tends to lean on a rather abusive family dynamic. I would say it fits with the second in that men go from being pathetic (children) to being scary and pathetic (adolescent) to just scary (grown men). 

Men who are scared of the opposite sex often have slightly unrealistic standards and women are people too. So, we will have women who are slightly scared of men holding them to high standards they cannot acheive and doing it to men who stil feel pathetic and the need to live up to higher standards.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

Here is the deal sir. Your wife is a control freak. You, appear to be compliant over and above what is normal. Please consider reading Larry Winget’s _Grow a Pair. _Marriage is a partnership of equals not That of a lord and a serf.

There is one word you need to learn to use frequently when she goes into CSM mode on you ....UNNACCAPTABLE!

Get your mojo back by doing something to improve your self esteem.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

TJW said:


> For me, it's a sacred commitment. I don't come here looking for people to tell me to leave. I come here to gain insight as to *why she does these things*.


You know all of this already but I’ll repeat it again: Plan A didn’t work out so she chose you for your ability to be a provider. She may in her own way love you but she is not in love with you and never was. She definitely doesn’t respect you and never will. She does these things because it’s who she is. She will never change because she doesn’t want to. You plan to be with her until one of you dies so you need to figure out a way to lessen your stress and not focus on what she does or doesn’t do. Otherwise, she wins.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

And … her present concern is not how you look in this — it’s how you make her look. Apparently your actions are a reflection on her. This is obviously a much bigger issue than her brother’s wife dying and you not showing up the minute she told you to. She’s the controller. You’re the one being controlled. You’ll have to break the pattern or continue to live with it because, again, this is who she is and she has no interest in changing.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

TJW said:


> The man who was "plan A" is the farthest thing from this you can possibly imagine. He was a guy who sat on the couch, grew weed in her basement, and didn't work for 5 years while she supported him.


Seriously? You continually take a raft of **** from a woman who would do this? How in God's name can you respect her? Man, your self-respect must be lower than a snake's belly to accept being regarded as Plan B to that asshole.

You say he was close to her whole family - is that because he was their supplier?


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> is that because he was their supplier?


Actually, I think the reverse was true. She, and her extended family, were his enablers.



Openminded said:


> — it’s how you make her look


I think this is extremely right. And, I was not put into this world to live up to HER expectations. I have a job to do, I have bills to pay, I have responsibilities to uphold which do not include "making her look"....


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## TomNebraska (Jun 14, 2016)

TJW said:


> ...
> For me, it's a sacred commitment. I don't come here looking for people to tell me to leave. I come here to gain insight as to why she does these things.
> ...


I was in the same boat here when I first sought advice, and people would say "_Just leave. Like what the hell is wrong with you?_"... of course _maybe _that's the only answer in_ the long run_, but it's really astounding how these people don't seem to understand that divorce isn't a easy undertaking, and some people don't just cut and run whenever something doesn't go their way. .

What do you hope to do with the insight you gain though? Do you feel you'll be able to get her to alter her behavior, or do you feel you'll learn to cope better in the long run? 



TJW said:


> ...
> I told her I would do the best I could, I left two hours early and made the 2-hour drive to my BIL's house. When I arrive there, my wife has gone home, and there are 6 other adults there from the family.
> 
> I offered my condolences to my BIL. * I was told by the family there that my wife was coming back.*
> ...


Yikes... so she demanded you come there, and basically set you up to have to walk into a hostile family environment? That's really nasty behavior on her part. Especially when you consider someone just DIED, and she's taking the time and effort to set you up for conflict with others. Like she's triangulating outside your relationship to make you look like the bad guy to her family. 

How does her family react to this kinda BS from her? 

AT BEST - and I'm reaching here to try to make excuses for her - maybe she was affected by her SIL's death, and was confused and emotional, and took it out on you. But if that's the case, you think she would eventually calm down and realize this, and apologize for it. 

My XW never had that level of self-awareness, and was all too happy blaming others (esp. me) for her own behavior and her own emotional state. In contrast, I've seen my current GF sometimes snap when she gets stressed, but she always apologizes for it & is aware of her behavior... this is how an adult should handle their problems.

At worst... your wife is a high conflict person who can't manage her own emotions and anxieties, and so makes you responsible for them. Assuming she's an adult, it's unlikely she's going to "grow out of" this. In that case, mentally adjust to the fact that this is just how it's going to be with her forever.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

No advice. I'm thinking no matter what you do it will be wrong. You know that and it is depressing. 

Perhaps, if you stop trying to guess what she might want and just do what you FEEL is best, you will be more content. Beware of using the man must work argument as no one 'hears' that all the time. Stuck is a frustrating place to be (from my experience).


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

It might not hurt to get into marriage counseling and try to make her understand how the pressure she puts on you doesn't work for you. She is controlling. You both need to compromise, not just you. You have mentioned anxiety before and so I wonder if she feels she has to exert a lot of pressure on you because of that, but whatever it is, you both need to understand each other's motivating issues and then come to some agreement for compromising.


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