# How to address lack of sex...



## Catcake86 (Nov 26, 2015)

My husband and I have been married about 4 1/2 years.... Our sex life has been nearly non-existent. If I come straight out and ask for it then he's okay with it, but he would never initiate it. I'm a pretty backward person so it takes A LOT for me to come right out and ask..... A few months ago we had a pretty bad falling out and separated for a few months. We are now living together again and I would like to address our lack of sex. My husband says he's asked his doctor before about his low sex-drive and the doctor has never really offered much help. My husband has a regular appointment this week with another regular doctor and I'd like to ask him to bring this up to his doctor. How should I go about this? I don't want to offend my husband or make him feel bad, but we desperately need to address this problem in our marriage. I'm so backward about bringing this up it's not easy for me to be so forward about it. I know I need to though!


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Your H needs to get a full hormonal panel done by the doctor so they can determine if low T is an issue.

Aside from that, you need to be honest with your H. Tell him that sex is important to you and the health of your marriage (if that isn't enough for him to want to do something about it, well that would be a huge red flag).

Is there any indication he is using porn as a replacement?

Ask him why he never initiates. Tell him that by not initiating, it makes you feel less desired (wanted). 

Be honest with your feelings.

I had a similar conversation with my W not too long ago, and things have been significantly better since.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Hi Cat,

H needs to get his T checked, both free and total. H needs to specifically talk to doctor about this or most doctors will not pay much attention. Make sure he gets the actual numbers, not just a "it is normal" result from doctor. The normal range is huge. Mine is normal but low, but not low enough for replacement.

Other medical issues such as diabetes can give problems. What is his age and overall physical condition? Is he taking any meds? Certain meds like anti anxiety and anti depressants will kill a libido. I am taking zoloft and it lowers libido. That is why I am trying to get off of it. 

How was the sex when your first married? Was he always low desire?

If he is stress about his life and marriage, that would have the low desire effect. 

Finally, worse case, he is emotionally or physically attracted to another person. Leave that as the last thing for you to worry about, but it can and does happen. Trust me on that. 

Bottom line is, just talk him straight out. Tell him you find him hot and want to have sex with him. Go from there. Do not turn that talk into a fight about him possibly cheating. Hopefully first step is he acknowledges the issue and says he will talk to doctor about it. Just bring it up. Is he seeing this new doctor specifically for this issue?

Forget about worrying about offending or feel bad. He is your husband. You are his wife. If you cannot talk about critical marriage issues such as this then you really have no marriage. 

Good luck. Post back after he goes to the doctor.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
Has he always been like this? It seems that some people just naturally have low sex drives. There are many threads here on the problems with LD / HD (low drive, high drive) marriages. Its generally pretty bad for both and very difficult to fix.


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## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

EllisRedding said:


> Your H needs to get a full hormonal panel done by the doctor so they can determine if low T is an issue.
> 
> Aside from that, you need to be honest with your H. Tell him that sex is important to you and the health of your marriage (if that isn't enough for him to want to do something about it, well that would be a huge red flag).
> 
> ...


Good advice by Ellis.

Curious Ellis, have you done this before? Long term help? Short term help? Or actually seem to get through to her? Curious as I have had short lived bouts of "some" drive from the wife. Only to have it slowly slip away.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Catcake86 said:


> *I'm so backward about bringing this up...*


• A good relationship is all about trust and communication.
• Desire is all about overcoming emotional distance. 

Normally one would suggest being honest and open about how you feel about each other. Seems so logical, and it is also about as erotic as following instructions to assemble that new bookshelf from IKEA. Trouble is the two of you communicate like this:










You should just embrace "being backward" and discover that doing so is extremely erotic. While you don't want your furniture looking like this, sex is super fun when you go about it this way!










So, just be yourself! Embrace your backwardness!!! Let it bring the two of you closer, and trust yourself that sex is the ultimate form of enjoying backwards communication in a relationship!*

Seriously,* 
Badsanta


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Middle of Everything said:


> Good advice by Ellis.
> 
> Curious Ellis, have you done this before? Long term help? Short term help? Or actually seem to get through to her? Curious as I have had short lived bouts of "some" drive from the wife. Only to have it slowly slip away.


I have posted bits and pieces in various threads, but have been meaning to start a thread about everything. I honestly believe now I have gotten through to her (in the past it was more of the short lived bouts). I will either get a thread up and link you to, or shoot you a PM when I have a few minutes, see how much you have in common with my situation.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> Has he always been like this? It seems that some people just naturally have low sex drives. There are many threads here on the problems with LD / HD (low drive, high drive) marriages. Its generally pretty bad for both and very difficult to fix.


As many other posters have said, I too wish all the LDs could get together and all the HDs could get together. Makes me sad to see HD wifes on TAM not getting their needs met. (Yes, you can tell I am an HD husband not getting his needs met from LD spouse.)

ETA: Yes, I am faithful to my wife.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

blueinbr said:


> Hi Cat,
> 
> H needs to get his T checked, both free and total. H needs to specifically talk to doctor about this or most doctors will not pay much attention. Make sure he gets the actual numbers, not just a "it is normal" result from doctor. The normal range is huge. Mine is normal but low, but not low enough for replacement.
> 
> ...


Good Advice.

This is what I love about TAM. I see my own words from [my short term here] being offered up, plus the plethora of other great contributors ideas filtering through. We DO learn from each other. 

Yes, especially Popcorn Eaters; they need the truthful and buttery injection the most! Do not knock these [cruncher] Dudes and Dames. They need TAM's help the most. Look at our politics and the state of our world! Blind folks voting in a Silent Spring, thanks Rachel.

This is good communication, folks.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

EllisRedding said:


> I have posted bits and pieces in various threads, but have been meaning to start a thread about everything. I honestly believe now I have gotten through to her (in the past it was more of the short lived bouts). I will either get a thread up and link you to, or shoot you a PM when I have a few minutes, see how much you have in common with my situation.


I'm at the F-it stage. I've heard every excuse. I've tried every kind of Talk. I've made every deal I could think of. We did HNHN and she claims she has an emotional need for sex, in her top 5 needs. But initiating, or even admitting that she is interested is OUT. 

Sex is only allowed when she is relaxed and in the mood and the planets align and no one has said a wrong something in a long time and and and . . . . .

But it does happen more than once a week, which I understand is pretty good and I shouldn't gripe. 

Well it's over now. Now the equipment is not working and it takes a lot of effort to get iffy results. So her Need is getting less satisfactory scratching. And I just can't care. Waste away the best years, then complain when it dies of disuse. 

We could probably get better results using the injection method, but she is uncomfortable with needles. I can't start to tell you how much the word uncomfortable has wrecked our sex life. I hate it. I needle every day for insulin.

F-it.

Ellis open up the thread let's discuss it. 

OP, My advice is to TAKE what you need. If he resists, do it yourself. Right of first refusal is all a low drive partner deserves.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Mr. Nail said:


> Ellis open up the thread let's discuss it.


OK, give me a bit and I will get a thread started (post a link here)


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Mr. Nail said:


> Now the equipment is not working and it takes a lot of effort to get iffy results.


True sometimes. It svcks. 

Luckily, they have a pill for that. D*** expensive, but still an option. Problem though is you have to take it at least an hour before and if spouse is not willing you just wasted good money. In OP's case, I believe she would be more than willing. 

BTW, "TAKE" is the wrong word. "Initiate" is better.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Take vs. Initiate

Take is a strong and dangerous (more especially for men) word. Are there times when it is the right word? Here is my thinking. CatCake is Female and less likely to be charged with sexual assault (even though I am openly encouraging it). Second she is too Backwards to initiate so even if she does decide to take my advice it is not likely to result in more than initiation. Third she has already talked this to death, it is time for action. Fourth A rejected initiation is a lot like a resisted Take. 

So for the comfort of the politically correct let me propose an aggressive Initiation and talk about what it looks like. This is how I think in this Specific case Catcake should address the lack of sex. He is watching TV ignoring you. Stand between him and the television, Undress, climb onto his lap, rub. Any questions he might ask along the way should be answered "This is What I Need!" He just arrived home from work, shopping, Bowling, etc.. Give him a deep kiss, while he is distracted get a hold of his belt tail, start pulling him toward the bedroom. Same answer to any question. In the bedroom reading, watching TV, or gaming. Pull blankets off bed, initiate oral sex, adjust position until your bottom is in his face. Same answer to any questions, or objections.

Now doing this requires one of 2 things. Self confidence (I think Catcake has some trouble here) or serious sexual frustration ( I don't think this is a problem). 

IMHO if one of these doesn't work then he is Dead from the waist down. 

I do not recommend doing this to low drive women. I may be wrong about doing this to low drive men. It could be that I've just written a bit of useless erotica. But desperate times call for desperate means. 

Why I think that doing this short term might work long term: He needs to see her in a sexual way. Her shyness may be reinforcing his Madonna viewpoint. He needs to understand in a deep visceral way that she NEEDS all of this on a regular basis and that if he isn't willing to provide he has no sense believing that she won't get it elsewhere. Maybe men have reactive desire.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Oh My @Catcake86 ,

I've gone back to read some of your previous posts. You must be Crazy about this guy to keep trying after all he has put you through. Are you crazy enough? Are you determined enough, to make changes to yourself, to do things that you are uncomfortable with, to lift the heavy things? This Guy left you for a months long affair that didn't include sex. That is a very strong indicator that he is Asexual. Even with everything you could do, it might not be enough. I'm assuming that you have faced this probability. I guess at 4 1/2 years, risking another 6 months doesn't seem too hard. I hope other areas of your relationship are showing improvement.
MN


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## Missmousedancemom (Mar 23, 2016)

Been through the same thing
Going on 20 years
8 since any form of sex
No kissing no hugging 
No sleeping in the same bed

My h hormone levels fine
Antidepressants are the kind to have least amount of sexual side effects

I have bribed him with anything material to have sex with me. I tried counseling. I have cried I have begged

20 years later I want a divorce now
Don't wait 20 Years like me. I should have left my third year in. Turning 40 next month and this is half my life. 

Good luck
Actions speak louder than words


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

I was married for 8 years, we didn't have sex in last 4.5 years. Probably had sex less than 10 times in entire marriage. Never got a BJ from her entire relationship, just pathetic sex life. I'm pretty sure her strict religious upbringing didn't help. Kept telling myself sex wasn't that important (what a lie!). Got married when we shouldn't have, felt trapped. Bought a house after wedding, further trapped. Had two kids somehow and got trapped for good. Until I woke up one day and left. I had no sexual attraction to my wife after all the crap (fighting, yelling, etc). Then she gained weight after kids and I was gone for good up in my head. Even after telling her I would never have sex with her again, she still wanted to go to therapy and try to fix stuff. Then she was telling me she'd leave me after the kids turned 18. Ha, I'm not wasting my prime years. 

Don't stay in a loveless and sexless marriage. It isn't worth it. I've been separated for 3 months now and haven't been this happy in my entire life. Getting laid is a wonderful thing!!


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

blueinbr said:


> As many other posters have said, I too wish all the LDs could get together and all the HDs could get together. Makes me sad to see HD wifes on TAM not getting their needs met. (Yes, you can tell I am an HD husband not getting his needs met from LD spouse.)
> 
> ETA: Yes, I am faithful to my wife.


Any TAMers who are the HD in an imbalanced relationship, and find themselves single at some point in their future should really use a line like "If you know what the term HD is and you are one, I'm your guy/girl!" when they set up their match dot com profile.

Seriously though, it's really something people should talk about very early on in the relationship. Like date #3. "How often do you like to have sex?" or simply "Do you like sex? Can you live without it?"

Blunt, I know, but if you're HD and the person you're dating also happens to be HD, that sort of question likely won't be seen as terribly prying or even nosy. And if they take offense to it in some way, then you have a good indication of where things could be headed later on down the road.

In my (limited) experience, those who talk somewhat freely about sex tend to like it more than those who don't, or get embarrassed, or shocked, or suddenly silent. Really, just bringing up the general topic early into a relationship can tell you most of what you need to know right then and there.


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## Jus260 (Mar 24, 2016)

Be prepared that even after going through testosterone therapy, Asexuals still have no sex drive. If he is Asexual, there is nothing you can do about it. It's amazing you don't find out these people exist until it's too late.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

In my first marriage, my ex started out hot and heavy. Maybe to convince herself, maybe to trick me...who knows. It tapered off and I literally knew the day of my first child's conception (we celebrate it every year to nauseate him). Anyway, after the second kid was a year old and I rarely got laid, I noticed the old change in her, always on the phone...snooped, and she was "stealing kisses" in the back room of the office with...Chrissy. Go figure.

Anyway, while the circumstances are different, the best possible thing happened, and it was that I got out of the marriage. I wasn't strong enough initially when the sex went south, so I lucked out and it learned me good. There are many things that are required to make a good marriage, intimacy is top of the list. Not sex per se, but intimacy. If you do not have intimacy then you are just cohabitants. That being said, if your spouse cannot be intimate with you, it's not just their libido or sex drive. There is something underlying the issue. Even if they could not find physical enjoyment, they could definitely fake it til you make it. I am not saying that makes matters better, but it definitely shows they have an interest in keeping the marriage working. It takes a lot more effort to pack the kids in the car, drive to her mother's house, pretend you like her god-awful cooking, laugh at the stupid jokes and then drive home than it does to have sex with your spouse. Even if you need lube, the love should be there for the kissing and holding and whatnot.

If it isn't, then it isn't libido. It is much much worse.


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## sounhappy (Jul 15, 2012)

More than once a week? Please! Don't start complaining until is 3-4 times a year.


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

Talking about sex frequency while dating is no indicator of future frequency.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Catcake86 said:


> My husband and I have been married about 4 1/2 years.... Our sex life has been nearly non-existent. If I come straight out and ask for it then he's okay with it, but he would never initiate it. I'm a pretty backward person so it takes A LOT for me to come right out and ask..... A few months ago we had a pretty bad falling out and separated for a few months. We are now living together again and I would like to address our lack of sex. My husband says he's asked his doctor before about his low sex-drive and the doctor has never really offered much help. My husband has a regular appointment this week with another regular doctor and I'd like to ask him to bring this up to his doctor. How should I go about this? I don't want to offend my husband or make him feel bad, but we desperately need to address this problem in our marriage. I'm so backward about bringing this up it's not easy for me to be so forward about it. I know I need to though!


You should secretly set a date in your mind. Put it at least 6 months out. Tell your husband very clearly that you are unhappy with the frequency of sex. If the secret date you set arrives and you haven't seen appreciable improvement, leave. Either he cares or he doesn't. If you have to prod, nag, and cajole him into taking care of your very reasonable, very human, basic needs, you don't need him.


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## WhyMe66 (Mar 25, 2016)

Catcake86 said:


> My husband and I have been married about 4 1/2 years.... Our sex life has been nearly non-existent. If I come straight out and ask for it then he's okay with it, but he would never initiate it. I'm a pretty backward person so it takes A LOT for me to come right out and ask..... A few months ago we had a pretty bad falling out and separated for a few months. We are now living together again and I would like to address our lack of sex. My husband says he's asked his doctor before about his low sex-drive and the doctor has never really offered much help. My husband has a regular appointment this week with another regular doctor and I'd like to ask him to bring this up to his doctor. How should I go about this? I don't want to offend my husband or make him feel bad, but we desperately need to address this problem in our marriage. I'm so backward about bringing this up it's not easy for me to be so forward about it. I know I need to though!


Be honest but not brutal. Tell him that you love him and you enjoy making love with him, sharing the intimacy with him. Ask him to get a second opinion when he goes to the doctor. Tell him you have read that a low sex drive could be a sign of prostate problems. Prostate cancer undiagnosed long enough could leave him pooping in a plastic bag from his waist...


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

How old are you guys by the way?


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