# Newly Wed Problems



## lola_b (Aug 28, 2009)

Hi, I've been looking for a site like this so I can find some feedback...I'm really not ready to go to my family yet.

My husband and I got married May 2009 and had been together for 2 years before he proposed then we took about a year wedding planning.

It's basically like everything has changed since we got back from our honeymoon (the next day he went out of town for work, 10 days working then home for 4 days and it was like that for about a month and a half after our marriage).

He recently told me that he's scared of what his family thinks of him and what he does in life and that he has done a lot of things in his past just to make them happy...including getting married. I asked if he asked me to marry him because he loved me and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me or just to make other people happy...he said "a little of both and other reasons," the other reasons being that we had been together for so long he thought it was the next step and to make me happy (I had never bugged him about getting married...we did talk about it once in a while, but nothing major).

We also waited until we were married to have sex and that part of our relationship was lacking since he was gone so much. We're both 23 and this is both our first relationships.

I'm not sure if him being away right after we got married was a bad thing (he said he was kind of depressed working up there and would think a lot). 

I really...don't even know what to think. He's really hard on himself and always wants to make everyone happy instead of himself but our marriage is already suffering and it's only been 3 months...

I just need to hear someone's thoughts.

Thank you.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Basically too soon to tell if anything that's going on is a real problem. People - specially guys - can get married in an emotional jumble and it can all sort itself out over time.

_"Well we're married now. All you have to do is make me happy, and all I have to do is make you happy"._

Talk to each other about how to make each other happy.


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## lola_b (Aug 28, 2009)

It also took him about 4 months to find a job after he finished school and it isn't a job in his field (he's doing labour at the moment) and feels like he's been in school for 5 years with nothing to show. So he basically sat at home alone everyday for those 4 months while I was at work. 

He also doesn't want to do anything with me anymore and shows me 0 affection. I don't know if he still wants to be married to me anymore because it's the easy way out and feels like he's disappointing me buy not having a great job (even though I tell him all the time it's temporary and support him) or if he really thinks he didn't make the right decision by getting married...


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## Treadingcarefully (Sep 1, 2009)

Hmmm... I can see some of myself in that, and some of my wife too. Not sure if the situation is comparable, but here's my two bits anyway....
Sometimes, when your life changes a lot, you second guess yourself, and you can be pretty cynical about why you did something, especially when things seem tougher, a lot tougher than you expected. I was out of work for a while, and it really ate away at my sense of self, and even now, I still haven't gotten back to the 'high flier' I used to be, and it's not like I take it out on my wife, it's just that when I don't feel like I'm the man I should be, and I'm hating myself for it, it's hard to give as much affection as well.
I love my wife. Sometimes she thinks I'm just with her now cos she's the mother of our children and it's easier to be with her, and more socially acceptable than being apart. But that's not true, and it hurts me that she thinks that, and also, sometimes I wondered if it was the reason as well. When I was really down, I thought, "if it wasn't for the kids, I'd be gone". But, y'know... when I straighten up a bit, and see past the tension, the worries and the hurt. I know that there's a reason I chose to be with this woman. But when you're down, it's not always easy to see that. Doubts creep in, and they feed and grow the lower you feel. It's important that he keeps active, physically and mentally, cos that helps keep depression at bay. Those 4 months he sat at home? That actually altered his brain chemistry a bit, and it'll take a while for him to get back to where he was before in terms of the happy hormones, and the sense of self worth. I've been there. I'm not a depressed person generally, but most people go through a period of depression in their lives, and it's a strange place to be. 
I feel sad for you both, but I don't think this is as bad as you think, and it's a lot more common than you think as well. 
There's a recession on, and lots of people are seeing their dreams and hopes wither in front of them, and they lose hope. But recessions don't last forever, so you two, keep on keeping on, and remember, BE HAPPY. 
One of the mistakes my wife and I made (and still do) is not allowing ourselves to be happy with what we have, because we want more for the future. Sometimes, it's like, if we allow ourselves to be happy with what we have now, then we're settling for it. Whereas, I prefer to be happy with what you have, while still working towards something else.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

lola_b said:


> he feels like he's disappointing me buy not having a great job


can you blame him? 5 years in school and he works labor type work...
that would be a blow on anyones ego


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## lola_b (Aug 28, 2009)

Oh I know. He quit his job this morning actually. I hope it starts the ball rolling as to making him start feeling better, but I also really hope he finds something that relates to his schooling soon. I've told him the last few weeks to just quit because I know it makes him so unhappy, so I'm kind of relieved that he finally bit the bullet. Finally making a decision (on his own) to make himself happy. He asked me this morning if he should send the e-mail to quit, I told him it's not my decision, whatever is going to make you happy.

I think he only really took the job in the first place because we had a wedding to pay for, but now that's over and we don't really have any debt (except a truck payment), no mortgage, etc. and I'm still working...he can take his time and relax a little, but at the same time, I'm scared he'll fall into a deeper depression if he can't find anything


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