# He forgot our anniversary :'(



## Ano (Jun 7, 2012)

Today is our 6 year anniversary and he forgot. :'(

His father calls and wants to come over and go get ice cream. He told him yeah, sure and to come over. I looked at my husband and gave him a sad face but I didn't say anything. 

Dinner time...

I got him a present and had it wrapped all nice with a card and his favorite sweets attached to it. So were eating dinner and he was being all cute and was like "I got a present! What's the occasion?!" I looked at him and was like "its our anniversary!" His face turned white instantly. He forgot. He was coming up with excuses and I stopped him and told him to stop making excuses and to just admit that he forget. He didn't say anything.... then came the tears. I tried to hold them back but I couldn't. 

Its 4 hours later and I haven't said much to him. I don't really wanna talk to him. I sat by myself and literally just cried for over an hour (and I never cry!) 

Sentimental stuff is really important to me. I'm not materialistic at all. Its all about the little things. So naturally I'm super hurt that he forgot.

So now what? What do I say to him? I don't even know what to say. 

:'(


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## James C (Sep 6, 2013)

Tell him what you just said here. 

I'm sure he feels like crap. Your description of his reaction shows that. 
After you have the talk, give him a chance. 

After 6 years you guys are around 32 days away from celebrating your 2,222 days married. Figure out what day that falls on and tell him to make it up on your dueces wild anniversary.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

We both forgot last year - we remembered a few days later. We don't make a big deal of anniversaries or birthdays, perhaps because every day together is special so those days aren't much different and just mark time. I guess we just have a different approach to things - we're not big on gifts, either.


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

Is this normal for him to forget things like this? Is his job high stress with a lot on his plate? If I did not have my IPhone remind me of my anniversary and birthdays I actually care about, I would not remember anything. Just too much other things going on. 

Sounds like he definaty feels like crap. If you never cry and he saw you crying for over an hour, he probably thinks his marriage is over. If this is not the norm for him I would give him a pass this time and maybe even use jAMES Cs idea and tell him be can make it up to you that way.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I'm so sorry he forgot. Both my h and I have forgotten too. We've been married 14 years and often that day just slips past us. We don't exchange gifts either, so maybe that's why we forget.

I'm sure your h feels upset. It was nice of you to give him a gift. I bet he won't forget next year. Happy Anniversary though.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

So did he take you to dinner and a movie yet?

Ask him when is that going to happen.


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## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

About 7 years ago my wife forgot. Im sitting there with a smug grin on my face at breakfast. Ive a huge bunch of flowers, Ive a really nice card that I admit I asked my daughters advice on becuase Im not the verse reading type and Ive a bottle of her favorite wine. Add to this Ive booked a table for 2 in a nice restaurant for the next night as I know she would not be in work the days after. 

I sit there and sit there and sit there. Suddenly she up on her feet saying Im late for work can I drop her off on my way. I go with it expecting a comment but nothing. 
Ill be honest I didnt produce the goodies, I just went and took her to work.

When she came home Id left the card and the goodies on the side.
Shes waiting for me when I get in some 20 minutes after her, I have the "I was a day early" speech. I politely pointed to the day, date and month. And with a smart *ss flourish state and nexy year is out silver annerversary!. Check mate!

I didnt get up set , I just smiled because the look on her face showed me she was hurting and she knows Ill will make sure she doesnt forget that night - ever!.

Guys do forget. Men more than women for get the "important dates and details". I always get the "you dont remember what date you asked me to marry you do you?", I simple reply is no, I was more focused on the table, the wine , the ring, the special music and the romantic words that didnt come easy to remember what day, date or time I asked. 
Take it easy on the guy and let him make up for it. Sometimes the making up for an error brings more feeling that if he'd remembered. You state yourself "he went white". Guess I would as well. When you really love someone and see youve hurt them when there was no clear intention its sorta gets to you for a while after. You might think sorry isnt enough, I suspect when its heart felt and you say it you wish someone somewhere would come up with a word that is bigger than sorry.


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## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

It is our 23rd anniversary on Sunday. I have never forgotten. Hubs usually does (though this year he has remembered).

Hubs is very prone to forgetting stuff like birthdays, anniversaries and whatnot. I find that the kindest thing to do is to bring the matter up in conversation a week or so beforehand so that he has a chance to do something about it if he wants to.

In your situation I think all you can do is explain how bad it made you feel and that things like that matter to you. It is then up to him to make it up to you and diary it for next year. But I agree with the advice not to make him feel too bad about it. His reaction when you told him shows that he is probably already feeling really bad about the whole thing and I am sure he did not mean any harm.


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## Ano (Jun 7, 2012)

He doesn't usually forget stuff. This is the first time. 

I was upset when I wrote this last night and I did leave out a part.

After he found out it was our anniversary, he didn't called his father back to cancel him coming over. My father in law is around a lot, at least twice a week if not more to come see his grandson. So its not like it was a one time special occasion for him to stop by to get ice cream, it happens all the time. 

I guess I expeceted him to at least try after he found out that it was anniversary. Maybe call his dad and tell it we will do it another night because tonight was our anniversary. But he didn't. His father came over. So I left (with a legit reason to leave)...my son had thrown up in my car and the heat dried it so I had to go to the gas station and vacuum it out. 

After I did that I sat in the parking lot of our local grocery store and just cried...a lot

Then I came home and went straight to bed. He tried to talk to me but I had nothing to say to him. I just went to sleep.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

AutomaticRomantic : Why do men forget birthdays and anniversaries?

This doesn't necessary mean an issue with a lack of affection or whatever.

This is an issue with organisation, and you know how men are.
Solution: Calender/phone reminders


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## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

"I guess I expeceted him to at least try after he found out that it was anniversary. Maybe call his dad and tell it we will do it another night because tonight was our anniversary. But he didn't. His father came over. So I left (with a legit reason to leave)...my son had thrown up in my car and the heat dried it so I had to go to the gas station and vacuum it out. 

After I did that I sat in the parking lot of our local grocery store and just cried...a lot

Then I came home and went straight to bed. He tried to talk to me but I had nothing to say to him. I just went to sleep. "

He s just upset one person he loves and then he has to phone another and upset them. 2 strikes in one day?

Could have been that when ou FIL was there you both or better still your H may have saud "do you mind babysitting one night for us to go out for our anniverary?"
Your H didnt have time to recover that. You saw this as a personal afront. When you came home you were still angry and went to bed and cried. He is still tryiing to talk to you and youve block him out.
Youve said your some had vomited in the car. So was you H thinking "is he ill, should I be taking her out?" . If seem to have stopped talking to him and vented fits of anger instead. Taking anger to the bed is not a good thing especially on your annerversary. You should have talken him on side and discussed, why he continued to let you FIL come over on your special evening even though nothing was planned, was there something that made him forget the date?.
It might just have been him making some really bad decisons. We all are guilty of that one. If you fail to just talk about this in a calm manner then you are really going to have issues further down the road. 
Sit down talk and then arrange a data night just fro the two of you. Let FIL babysit and have a nice night together.


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## Ano (Jun 7, 2012)

We really aren't the type that go out for special occasions. We will usually just get each other like the most pointless, random gift just for a laugh and he usually makes a card and writes some silly stuff in it. We'll eat cookies and watch a movie on the couch. We don't go all out and go to a fancy restaurant. That's not our style. We're both really sentimental. 

I'm not angry. I'm just really sad. 

I don't wanna face him. I'm actually embarrassed and I don't want to talk about it at all. I just want to move on and forget it happened. ....as I'm typing this I'm crying again. I don't know what's gotten into me. Nothing ever usually bothers me like this


Oh and as for my son vomiting in the car, that's nothing serious. He has a VERY sensitive gag reflex and if he eats too quickly he usually gags and vomits a little. His doctor said that some kids are just like that. He's not sick.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Ano said:


> I'm not angry. I'm just really sad.
> 
> I don't wanna face him. I'm actually embarrassed and I don't want to talk about it at all. I just want to move on and forget it happened. ....as I'm typing this I'm crying again. I don't know what's gotten into me. Nothing ever usually bothers me like this.


I'm sorry you find yourself in this quandary.

I like the way you've been forthright and honest with your husband about how you feel. We can't always control our emotions, happiness or sadness. We can try to put things in perspective. We can try to look at any given situation and seek balance.

I have to say it seems like you've tried to do this. Seeking balance and perspective isn't going to make sadness go away, but it does open the doors to forgiveness...IF forgiveness is honestly sought. From what you say, it hasn't been and there have been opportunities to seek forgiveness.

You don't want to keep feeling sad and hurt, but there it is. You would prefer to forget this whole thing and move on because you don't want your relationship to suffer and you would like to get back to feeling connected and loved and loving, who wouldn't?

I don't think you should just forget this whole thing happened. We teach people how to treat us and you are a sentimental woman, no harm in that! If you "just forget this whole thing happened" you are essentially saying that when your husband hurts your feeling, intentionally or by omission, all he needs to do is give you a day to get over it and you can move on. "You are now free to move about the cabin..." 

Well I'm here to tell you, and the reason why I'm posting, is you won't forget. You will bury this, get back to normal and go on...until he does something to hurt you again. Then again you will bury it, discounting your feelings, discounting that which is innately important to you and each time this happens he learns to simply avoid you when you're hurt until you have gotten over it.

While I have no doubts you wish you hadn't gotten so hurt and maybe even feel foolish that you've reacted this strongly, those are feelings HE needs to know about. THOSE are the authentic feelings HE needs to acknowledge.

This isn't a matter of making him jump through hoops to earn your forgiveness, but he does have to know they were there so that HE can acknowledge them, sooth them, and simply apologize for not responding in a way that made you feel loved as opposed to forgotten, dismissed and unimportant.


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## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

I agree with Anon Pink - you do need to face him and talk about this.

I formed the impression from reading your previous post that your FIL had come for ice cream in the daytime and that the dinner episode had happened after that.

I agree with you that as your husband had obviously forgotten, it would have been totally in order for him to change his plans with FIL, or at least suggest to you that is what he does. I don't agree with the view that it would have hurt FIL - if it is a pretty regular occurrence I am sure FIL would have understood.

But you need to tell your husband what you expected he might have done and let him explain to you why he did not. Then you can form a view on whether you think he was right, or wrong, or a mixture of both and discuss it with him again so that you don't get a repeat of this kind of thing.


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## Ano (Jun 7, 2012)

My FIL would not have been hurt at all by changing plans with him. We see him so often, it would have been no big deal. 

I'm wondering why my husband wouldn't think to cancel plans with his father after he found out it was our anniversary. Did the thought not even cross his mind or what?


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## 41362 (Dec 14, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> Well I'm here to tell you, and the reason why I'm posting, is you won't forget. You will bury this, get back to normal and go on...until he does something to hurt you again. Then again you will bury it, discounting your feelings, discounting that which is innately important to you and each time this happens he learns to simply avoid you when you're hurt until you have gotten over it.


And, all of that burying will feed the flames of resentment by both of you.

Communicate with each other. You don't wanna wait and hit the, say,... purely hypothetical... 18 year anniversary wondering why you're married. Trust me.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

James C said:


> Tell him what you just said here.
> 
> I'm sure he feels like crap. Your description of his reaction shows that.
> After you have the talk, give him a chance.
> ...


Damn your good!!


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## ASummersDay (Mar 4, 2013)

I'm sorry this happened. I can see it really hurt you.

I think one thing is clear: your husband never meant to hurt you. I would urge you to try and talk things through with him. You are hurt and sad. But try to approach the issue with an understanding that humans sometimes forget things they REALLY wish they would've remembered.

I have to admit I sympathize with you both. You, because I know how much it hurts when someone dear forgets a special occasion. And him, because I know how intensely ashamed, guilty, and frustrated I've been with myself when I forgot something I shouldn't have.

As for why he didn't cancel his plans, only he can answer that. I can only presume that it was because he knew you were extremely upset with him and didn't think there was anything he could do to make up for it at that time.

I'd also encourage you to examine your expectations and the degree to which they were communicated. There is nothing wrong with discussing the impending event prior to its arrival. My husband and I often discuss anniversary plans weeks in advance. That way we both know what the other expects. I think this is a good practice to get into.


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## Ellie5 (Mar 12, 2013)

Agree with Anon 

It was our 3 yr wedding anniversary last week.....I reminded H a day or so before in light conversation, to which his response was "oh do we get some kind of survival award" then made some joke about getting flowers from a local garage.

No flowers, cards, or celebrations. The only card wafting around the house was from my lovely Mum, which he poo pooed.

Just tell him how you feel, from your description, he sounded mortified - at least he has feelings for you.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

Ano - yikes, that stinks.

You know...there is nothing keeping you from starting your own tradition that you can both look forward to. We never give gifts really or do much... but one thing we have done is set aside a long weekend every year for our anniversary - we do a random B&B somewhere..just smewhere within a few hours drive. Nothing serious.

I hated the idea at the beginnig - well not hated - but resisted sortof. Like I need another thing in my life to complicate things. Now I think it is perhaps the best thing we do together and we both look forward to it as one of the best weekends of the year.

I have little doubt that if we didnt do this - I could have forgotten one time or another too. Easy. Its not that it isnt important - not at all - but lets face it we operate on different frequencies sometimes. My wife sometimes gives me a card on a random day and she will be like 'Today was the day we first met!'.... 

Think about it:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/long-term-success-marriage/36832-getting-away.html


In the end - its such a small thing - and I have come to realize how something so mundane... so small - can make such a big difference once it becomes built into the fabric of your life. Before I would wonder why we 'needed' to make such a fuss... and now I cant imagine it any other way.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Ano, I agree that it's a bummer that he forgot and then did not change plans with FIL.

I agree with the idea of setting up your own tradition on this. Instead of each of you being expected to independently remember an important date like your anniversary, have something that you two always plan together. So then you put in on the calendar every year way ahead of time. Then a month before you two start talking about it and planning. If you tend to celebrate at home.. then plan out a special meal where the two of you work together... doing it together is the fun. Or make it all finger foods, desserts, wine... your own special party.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Your husband made a big mistake but he was t trying to hurt you. Many people have trouble remembering dates, that's why you should out it on a family calendar, talk about it ahead of time and hint at what you want. 
I'm sorry you are hurt. It sucks. But it seems to me once he screwed up you were shut down and there's not much he could have done. 
Would you want him to forgive you if you made a big mistake? Think about it that way. How would you like to be treated? Don't shut him out. 
I would talk to him and say you are very hurt. Let him talk, see what he says. Forgive him and then joke around and say "how are you making it up to me honey???" 
And then drop it and hope when you screw up (and you will) that he is kind to you.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

diwali123 said:


> Your husband made a big mistake but he was t trying to hurt you. Many people have trouble remembering dates, that's why you should out it on a family calendar, talk about it ahead of time and hint at what you want.
> I'm sorry you are hurt. It sucks. But it seems to me once he screwed up you were shut down and there's not much he could have done.
> Would you want him to forgive you if you made a big mistake? Think about it that way. How would you like to be treated? Don't shut him out.
> I would talk to him and say you are very hurt. Let him talk, see what he says. Forgive him and then joke around and say "how are you making it up to me honey???"
> And then drop it and hope when you screw up (and you will) that he is kind to you.


:iagree: This is a solid observation.


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## Ano (Jun 7, 2012)

We're talking again but I'm still sad. 

I haven't actually talked to him about the situation yet. 

When he messes up really bad, which has only happened 1 time before, he sent me flowers at work. But nothing today. So that makes me feel like he's just shrugging it off and he doesn't care.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Ano said:


> We're talking again but I'm still sad.
> 
> I haven't actually talked to him about the situation yet.
> 
> When he messes up really bad, which has only happened 1 time before, he sent me flowers at work. But nothing today. So that makes me feel like he's just shrugging it off and he doesn't care.


Or he's a deer in headlights and doesn't know what to do. Stop playing games and talk to him.


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## Ano (Jun 7, 2012)

*Re: Re: He forgot our anniversary :'(*



diwali123 said:


> Or he's a deer in headlights and doesn't know what to do. Stop playing games and talk to him.


Lol I willllllllll


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

Nothing wrong with being sad, normal human reaction. I agree Diwali in terms of what comes next. If you do want to express to him how you feel, just don't go overboard and put him on the defensive. It will only elongate the hurt feelings for both of you. 

You are still newlyweds in my book and he has many more opportunities to make it right. So in the times he does right, I think it is better to keep that score card than the, "he only messed up once before". I know it is hard, unless it is a really big transgression, best to both forgive and forget. The bigger things you will have to be judicious on how to deal with the forgetting part. 

I now he was the one who messed up, but you may want to be the one to plan a special candle night dinner to allow him a less defensive way to show you how sorry he is about forgetting this important date. The setting of how to communicate can be just as important as what is said. I know some may not agree (doormat), but sometimes it is ok to show forgiveness rather than just say it. I'm sure he feels bad and may not know what to say. Set the situation for him to express is himself. 

Take care


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Why don't you just plan it together, why see if he forgets or depend on him to remember? We talk about upcoming events what I want, what he wants and guess what? No disappointments.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ano (Jun 7, 2012)

*Re: Re: He forgot our anniversary :'(*



mablenc said:


> Why don't you just plan it together, why see if he forgets or depend on him to remember? We talk about upcoming events what I want, what he wants and guess what? No disappointments.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


We've never had to talk about it in the past. It was a non-issue. From here on out I will be mentioning it in advance so he is aware. 

Its not so much of planning something together, we're both pretty laid back and we don't do extravagant things for special occasions. A simple "happy anniversay" and a cheesy homemade card written by him in pencil on a folded piece of printer paper is all I wanted. Just an acknowledgment. 

I did drop hints but I totally assumed he knew what I was talking about. Even the night before I was like "so whacha doin tomorrow night". He still was totally oblivious to why I said that apparently. 


Anyways...we spoke. He told me that he did text his father and told him that tonight wasn't a good night for ice cream, but apparently my FIL didn't see the message until after he came over. 

He told me how sorry he is and how terrible he feels. He even said it was the worst feeling in the world and he felt nauseous all night. He seems pretty sorry. Its done and over with. Can't change it, just gotta move on. 

Hopefully it doesn't happen again!

Thanks everyone for all of your great advice and support!


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

You can celebrate it all weekend  redo! Redo! Redo!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ano (Jun 7, 2012)

*Re: Re: He forgot our anniversary :'(*



mablenc said:


> You can celebrate it all weekend  redo! Redo! Redo!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I wish! He left early this morning and won't be back till tomorrow morning. He's a firefighter and works 24 hour shifts.


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## MidwestDave (Jun 18, 2009)

Ano said:


> Today is our 6 year anniversary and he forgot. :'(
> 
> His father calls and wants to come over and go get ice cream. He told him yeah, sure and to come over. I looked at my husband and gave him a sad face but I didn't say anything.
> 
> ...


Not uncommon at all especially if we are busy with work. Personally I don't think it's a big deal. This year, I remembered our anniversary, my wife forgot. I got her a card and a little gift, she opened it in front of her Mom, with no clue what it was... she was a little red-faced.

I just thought it was sort of funny really. Forgetting an anniversary or a birthday is just minutia in my life I have a lot more serious things to worry about. I don't spend any energy getting angry about it.


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## yours4ever (Mar 14, 2013)

When our spouse forgot our anniversary, it just mean they forgot. 
It does not mean they don't value the relationship. 

Nothing wrong to remind him about the anniversary.
Nothing wrong to say "will you buy me a gift this Saturday? It's our anniversary. I'd love to celebrate with you. It makes me happy and loving."
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MarriedTex (Sep 24, 2010)

Ano said:


> We're talking again but I'm still sad.
> 
> I haven't actually talked to him about the situation yet.
> 
> When he messes up really bad, which has only happened 1 time before, he sent me flowers at work. But nothing today. So that makes me feel like he's just shrugging it off and he doesn't care.


First off, I've never forgotten my anniversary in 20+ years. I value it and think it's important to remember these things. I put more stock into these sentiments than my wife does. That said, even I don't think that forgetting anniversary one time rises to the level of "messing up real bad."

If you read other sections of TAM, there are plenty of other behaviors that do rise to that level of seriousness: Infidelity, causing drama with in-laws, financial recklessness etc.

If this is one of the two worst things to happen during your relationship with him after six years (plus whatever dating time you've had), you're doing pretty darn well as a couple. Congratulations.

So, you want to know how to make this a problem? Hide your feelings, let resentment brew, don't get things out on the table. And when you do talk about it, by all means don't be forgiving or understanding. The guy messes up an average of once every three years, and he doesn't get a mulligan? 

A wife who loved their husband with such a record would not want their husband to be hurting, as he obviously is. You'd be going out of your way to point out all the good things he does all the time, how out-of-character his mistake was. You'd be looking for a way to let him off the hook because - if the tables were turned - it sounds like he would be the guy who would do the same for you.

Obviously, he messed up. He feels bad, and you certainly don't want to make it a habit for him to disappoint you in this way. That said, I think his track record should count for something here. You could be the forgiving, understanding wife - a wife he would cherish all the more. Or you could be the drama queen princess who is satisfied in nothing less than perfection from her husband.

I know the one I'd rather be married to. Which one do you want to be?


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*I'll confess that I did forget my anniversary with XW, 4th year. And I was repaid well for it! Besides catching hell from her for weeks, my best friend in Houston got ahold of some Astro baseball tickets and invited me down one evening to Minute Maid Park, not too awfully long after that to see the Astros game with him.

Well as fate would have it, as I was entering the confines of their box seats and just as soon as my best friend first saw me, in a totally orchestrated move, he stood up out of his seat and announced to the throng of folks there, "Hey! Here's the guy who forgot his and his wife's anniversary," to which the hundred or so people situated there got up out of their seats and either soundly boo'd or applauded me sarcastically!

Talk about feeling small! Let's just say that I never did forget again!*


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