# Leave Husband for Ex-Husband...



## stacyjen (Mar 27, 2013)

I was 18 when I got pregnant with my high school sweetheart. We married within the month of finding out the news. I've always loved and cared for him and he was the same to me. My mother kicked me out and I moved into his house with his parents. I miscarried at 15 weeks, my best friend passed away and one of our family dogs passed away all within 2 weeks. I was doomed. I went blank. I started working at the mall part time, and just living day by day. My husband at the time had said he's glad my friend is dead and why am I so sad about a dog dying, its just a dog. I felt so alone. I became friends with a co-worker who begged me to go to this audition with her at a strip club because she didn't want to go alone and really needed extra money. So I agreed to go with her, and get out. Ends up I stayed for a few months, and my husband at the time cared but obviously not enough to try to stop me from continuing. I was there for 2 months when I met this guy, unhappily married. He wouldn't leave me alone. He called me, took me out the lunch, sent me flowers at work, spoiled me. I wanted none of this. I quit the club and avoided this new guy but he wouldn't get the clue. Things at home were vague and cold. We never talked about our miscarriage, I was dead inside. His parents always argued, no hot water, water was shut off. We would have to go to the gym to shower and brush our teeth and use the restroom. I was hardly home. 

I started dating the new guy #2 and I moved into an apartment alone. My husband wanted in but I said no we have to patch things up and we'll talk about you moving in. Never happened. #2 moved in, getting a divorce from his wife. We have been together for almost 6 years and married now for 2 of those years. 

Now we are looking to buy a house. He has 2 kids from previous wife and it kills me inside but I handle it well. I told him prior to engagement I can't be with someone who doesn't want kids. We never talk about it, it is a weird sticky subject. Lately, I have been getting this feeling that he doesn't want any kids. It upsets me, why doesn't he want kids with me? Did his ex-wife use him all up? Am I being used? From the start I take care of his kids when they are over. I have been reminiscing about my ex-husband a lot...dreaming of him a lot. Actually full on dreams, so real. It has been driving me crazy. I think about him all day long. A couple times I bumped into him at the gym recently. I want to tell him I still love him and care for him. He has a girlfriend, she's pretty and no children. He always wanted kids. I'm not sure if I'm 100% happy anymore with my current husband. I was excited about house hunting but now I'm worried. I don't want to get involved with a house in this uncertainty. My past at the time was so much to bare and I ran from it. Now I think its caught up to me. If I leave my husband I will not have an income because I am a house wife. And the kids, I have been in their lives since they were 2 and 5. If I leave my husband for my ex-husband, I may end up alone. Maybe its what I need. To be alone. I don't know what to think anymore.

I'm scum.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

What makes you think your ex husband wants you after what you did?

Also,be careful not to romanticize your first husband.You left him for a reason.He was cruel about the major life changes like your friend dying,the dog,and your miscarriage.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Your ex-husband is happy with his pretty new girlfriend.

I would think that precludes you leaving your husband to go out with him.

Most people don't just say "oh, you want back in my life, no problem I'll just dump this new person and we'll start over again".

Besides, he was glad your friend was dead and not sympathetic about your dog dying. He was ok with you taking your clothes off for strange men just to earn a few bucks. That's not much to work with.


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## janefw (Jun 26, 2012)

The grass is never greener on the other side. Work on your present marriage and don't go around trying to break up two _more _relationships (your current marriage and your ex's relationship) only to found out that - oops, I did it again. Seriously. :/

Also, on a kinder note, you probably need some counseling over that miscarriage. Really, go and talk to someone.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

janefw said:


> The grass is never greener on the other side.


If that was true then everyone in the world would have only one relationship in their entire lives- and if they ended that relationship they'd never find one better. 

Since most people go through several relationships before they settle down I opine that your theory lacks merit.


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## janefw (Jun 26, 2012)

lenzi said:


> If that was true then everyone in the world would have only one relationship in their entire lives- and if they ended that relationship they'd never find one better.
> 
> Since most people go through several relationships before they settle down I opine that your theory lacks merit.


Do you even understand what the saying means? You don't know that it's ironic i.e. "the grass is always greener on the other side." 



> The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence
> 
> *Refers to the way we tend to look at other people’s lives and other things that we don't have in general through rose colored glasses.
> 
> ...


Urban Dictionary: The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

janefw said:


> Do you even understand what the saying means? You don't know that it's ironic i.e. "the grass is always greener on the other side."


Oh, I mistakenly thought on relationship boards such as this one, that when one says "the grass is always greener" it's about someone leaving a relationship in the hopes of finding a better one with someone new.

Here's a link that seems to support my mistaken idea

http://blogs.psychcentral.com/relationships-balance/2013/03/16/the-grass-is-greener-syndrome/
_
The hallmark of the “grass is greener syndrome” is the idea that there is always something better that we are missing. So rather than experiencing stability, security, and satisfaction in the present environment, the feeling is there is more and better elsewhere, and anything less than ideal won’t do. Whether it’s with relationships, careers, or where you live, there is always one foot out the door._


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## janefw (Jun 26, 2012)

lenzi said:


> Oh, I mistakenly thought on relationship boards such as this one, that when one says "the grass is always greener" it's about someone leaving a relationship in the hopes of finding a better one with someone new.
> 
> Here's a link that seems to support my mistaken idea
> 
> ...


Can you not conceive that "always" having "one foot out the door" is _not _a positive? That thinking "there is always something better" may be a negative?


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

janefw said:


> Can you not conceive that "always" having "one foot out the door" is _not _a positive? That thinking "there is always something better" may be a negative?


Yes of course. Where did I even remotely suggest that I aspire to the grass is greener theory in any way?

In my first post on this thread I simply suggest that sometimes the grass is greener, and I was referring to the fact that quite often, maybe very often, the next relationship IS better than the one you're currently involved in; especially if there are major problems such as incompatibility, different philosophies about life, finances, etc, and sex (just to name a few of the common relationship pitfalls).


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

Grass is greener.... I recall my first wife saying she always had one eye straight ahead, and one on the prowl. 

Ha ha ha ha haaaaa she wasn't kidding -- oops.


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## stacyjen (Mar 27, 2013)

I'm not saying I'm afraid to be alone. I wouldn't stick around for the fear of being alone. I know my ex-husband wont leave this current girlfriend for me, and I wouldn't want him to. I want him to be happy. He has been in my thoughts prior to running into him at the gym. We talked from time to time while he was dating and we both know we care very much for each other. I don't work because my husband didn't want me working a corporate job and instead help him grow and manage the business. I guess I feel I need to spill the beans to my ex, some closure. What does one do, in a marriage, when they need to be alone for a while? I should ask him about kids, but I don't know a good way to bring it up without starting it out awkward.


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## stacyjen (Mar 27, 2013)

janefw said:


> The grass is never greener on the other side. Work on your present marriage and don't go around trying to break up two _more _relationships (your current marriage and your ex's relationship) only to found out that - oops, I did it again. Seriously. :/
> 
> Also, on a kinder note, you probably need some counseling over that miscarriage. Really, go and talk to someone.




Yes, its like "Would you rather be on the outside of the window looking in, or inside looking out?" 

Thanks, I will keep that in mind. I have a good husband, I guess I may just be feeling jealous about the baby situation and I know how bad my ex wanted kids and don't think my current hubby wants anymore.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Do I have this right? Your current husband met you while you were a stripper? Pursued you even though you were married. Was relentless until you moved out and then moved himself in. All that time, he was also married.

But then you say that he's a good husband?

And the ex was immature and emotionally abusive. And living with his parents! Now he has a girlfriend, but you're wanting him back. I think you need to step back for a moment and think about the direction you want to take in life and where your life choices have taken you so far. There's a good life out there for you, I think, but you're not going to get it hanging out with the folks you've been hanging out with.


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

If your post acutally represents your thought process you need to take a hard look at yourself so you can have a chance at building a decent life. 

1. You're floating through life without purpose or direction. 
2. You look to men of bad character to make you happy.
3. You do not understand your own emotions or motivations.
4. You do not accept responsibility for your actions.
5. You are in permanent victim mode.
6. You clearly lack self esteem. 

Your looks and body will not last forever. At some point in your life you will only have your character and the life you built. You do need to leave your husband, but not for your ex. You obviously don't love him and it appears you married him out of circumstances or pressure according to your description. Do you have any skills? If not you need to start developing something marketable so you can support yourself while you figure out your life.

Peace


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## Browneyedgurl020610 (Apr 18, 2012)

He's your ex for a reason and he sounds like he treated you horribly. Why go back to that abuse? If you are not happy with current husband, then leave. Find a close friend you can stay with for a while or perhaps talk to your parents? Don't stay in this relationship just because you feel obligated to the kids that aren't even yours to begin with and also, don't stress over the money. That can work itself out. Good luck. Keep us posted.


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

stacyjen said:


> I'm scum.



Okay. Maybe you are...

Stop being scum. Grow up. Learn some morals, learn some integrity, develope a sense of self esteem. 

Right now, as it stands, you do not have the maturity or morals to be a wife to any man. 

You cheated on your first husband (who was as dumb and immature as you) , broke up your second husband's marriage, and now you want to go back to your first husband who probably does not want you back. 

Get your life in order. Go back to school, go to church, get a beilief system you can steer your life by. Moving into your own apartment was the best thing you could have done. Stay away from both those losers. Right now you are a ship without a rudder.


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