# A Tale of Infidelity...



## civilian98 (May 4, 2012)

First of all this is a bit long, so let me warn you in advance...

I am a 41-year-old man married to a 39-year-old woman, together for 6 years and married 5, we have a three-year-old son. We are both active duty and I’ve recently returned home a month early from a six month deployment. I am a man who readily acknowledges his imperfections who listens intently and strives to improve. Prior to leaving for deployment I installed a keylogger on our computer mainly because I felt something between us wasn’t right. The reason I felt this way was largely due to our lack of overall intimacy. Believe it or not I was literally begging for intimacy in our marriage, any kind of intimacy. Initiate a kiss, grab and squeeze my hand in public, being told you love me every now and then, a smack on the butt and sex a little more frequent than 2 – 3 times a month. 

While away at sea I focused on me with an all out assault on my body, spirit and soul. I exercised and lost 20 pounds, read many books, this blog site and exercising a lot of self-reflection. I felt as though I was ready to come home and be a more loving husband and father. This was important to me because although I feel I carry a lot of weight in our household my wife wasn’t happy that I wasn’t spending the type of attention she wanted me to spend with our son, taking on more chore-type responsibilities related to him and picking up some additional financial responsibilities. These areas were the crux of her issues with me, in fact she literally promised me that if I improved in these areas her sexual desire for me would subsequently increase. 

Well in almost a weeks time during the deployment, I was giving notification that I would be flown back stateside to have a medical procedure done and also escort an additional person. I touched down early afternoon but unfortunately didn’t arrive home until nearly midnight. Never-the-less my wife, who had met me at the airport, sleepily answered the door in a sexy little outfit and we made a nice night of things. The next evening was off the scales, it was almost as if I didn’t know the woman I was in bed with, to say the least we both really enjoyed ourselves.

To this day my sleep pattern is all messed up, (I operated in an area that was about 13 hours ahead of home) and I found myself up early the next morning so I went into our media room to get reacquainted with the computer. As I was cleaning up the hard drive I noticed the software was still running. I opened it and as I was going through the last weeks worth of screen shots when I discovered that my wife has cheated on me with someone we were both previously stationed with. Now up until this point I had been the one who had cheated far too many times to count in previous relationships. Although my heart was beating as though I had run a marathon. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing, they had been communicating via cell phone, facebook and email. I was only able to see what they had been discussing via facebook, which was about 85% raw and graphic discussions about what had occurred. 

After I felt that I had read enough I woke my wife up at 4 a.m. and confronted her about it. I was expecting an argument, however after exposing my hand she mostly admitted to everything that I had saw. As I started piecing things together I realized she had lied about a few details so I went to her again for the truth. She offered up versions of what could be true but unfortunately I don’t have anything to measure them to. I’ve asked her to come clean and just tell me everything; I believe I deserve to know everything. She’s denied me this request on several occasions which have left me to put this mangled story together to the best of my ability. She’s apologized for this “incident”, however something tells me she’s not so truly apologetic about it. 

Mere moments ago I finally got her to give me the details, however it was still like pulling teeth. She just told me they met up 3 times for sex. The second time she met him at his home, however my son was with her, don't quite know how that worked out. The third time she says they had sex in my home, he came over very late and my son was asleep. According to her account they had sex on the area rug in the living room, (getting rid of that today). She says there could have been more times but can't remember, (yea right).

Her excuses, well I know she was dealing with some stress, her mother had access to her personal account and credit card info and stole about 10,000.00 from her. She doesn't have a good working relationship with her leadership team at work. After getting off work she has to come home and take care of our 3 year old. 

The situation just occurred, the OM was someone she says she clicked with. She says she hasn't been happy, I've been complaining about our lack of intimacy, she found what she wanted in another married man. They were old friends who started talking and connected, developed some feelings for one another and had sex. The way I see it is, both spouses were away, the opportunity presented itself as an exciting mirage of the grass being greener on the other side of the fence and they indulged. 

Prior to me returning they were in the process of making plan to see one another again, however I intervened by telling the other person that I knew what had occurred and he was to stop communicating with my wife or I would report the whole affair to his superiors, (adultery is chargeable under the Uniform Code of Military Justice). Crazy thing to me is he’s a newly wed, and instead of spending time with his wife he wanted mine. From the portions of facebook messages I read, my wife was the aggressor and I’ve never known her to be this way. She has nerves of steel, all three of us would be chatting at the same time, she managed to discuss with him how she liked the sex and managed to talk to me about my day and how she loved me. 

There are things that tipped me off to something being amiss. First of all she told me this kock-a-mammy story about meeting her peer group on a Friday night at a popular restaurant at 7 p.m. Having been serving for the past 23 years, this didn’t sit right with me because normally we schedule events during working hours, which gives us an excuse not to be at work and also allows us to bring our families. I asked her to send me a text message to my email account when she was on her way home so I could call her, that didn’t happen, instead I called her at nearly 0130 in the morning as she was returning home. A day or so later I chatted with her on facetime, she had gotten her nails done, something she used to do often but doesn’t do much anymore. Unbeknownst to me according to her account the deed had occurred the night she was supposed to be out with her co-workers. I had sent her an email telling her that I knew something was wrong and literally begged her to be honest and tell me what was going on but she slyly played the whole thing off as though I was being insecure. Meanwhile, although I didn’t have any proof I knew she was lying.

I went through a period of self loathing and blaming myself for what had occurred. I knew she didn’t enjoy having sex with me, although I never told her where I’d heard this. She’s told me things like she’s not sexually attracted to me or we’re sexually incompatible, mind you I’ve never heard these things in all of my years of living. I made a valiant effort to improve our bedroom activities, by being a little more creative and experimental. She did nothing but continue to make excuses, the last one being it’s not you it’s me. When we did have sex I was always the initiator, in fact I think I can count on one hand how many times she’s initiated sex.

Yet when I was about 45 days from returning from deployment she started telling me in graphic detail some of the things she wanted to change, mainly our sorry excuse for intimacy, needless to say I was all for it. We purchased lingerie, discussed a role-playing idea she had. She told me she was going to open up in bed and I promised her as I always have that I wouldn’t be judgmental and no matter what we did together I’d love her the same. Where had this woman been for the past 6 years, how did she manage to hide everything she was telling me she wanted to do?

Well every since I found out she had been cheating on me, I feel like we’re right back to where we started 5 months ago. Last night I attempted to have sex with my wife, we had sex the morning before however I wasn’t quite satisfied with my performance. Something was off about her this day and I won’t be able to put my finger on it until she opens up and tells me, (that’ll never happen). She did however manage to piss me off with a couple of out of left field comments but towards the middle of the day I managed to put that all behind me. A few days ago it dawned on me that my wife’s affair occurred within days of our 5th year anniversary. 

There’s still questions I have that she won’t answer or questions I want to ask but don’t know how because she’ll answer them based on how I ask. There’s a mention of a blanket and how it was nasty, she told him she washed it but when I asked about the blanket so I can throw it away she says they used it on the beach the night they went out and she threw it away in the dumpster, there’s no sand in her car from being at the beach. She also says it was his, but again she’s being evasive about her answers. She let him in my house at least on one occasion; they were on our couch however when I asked her what they were doing she says watching TV. They’re facebook messages allude to something much greater as he says I’ll have to sit on the end of the couch from now and she says she gets wet everytime she’s near it. I’m in the process of looking for a new couch, but she says she really loves the couch and insists on me just having it steam cleaned. My son loves to jump and play on the couch, the thought of what might have occurred sickens me.

She says she wants to work on our marriage; Friday is our first day of counseling. Based on the outcome of our counseling session I’ll make time to determine if a divorce is in order.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Civilian

Well you know your wife is lying to you.

However, do not jump to D so quickly.

What I would do if I was you is crawl up your wifes butt for the rest of the details.

I would also contact the OMW and let her know what her lovely husband did to her. She needs to know ASAP.

Do not let your wife know that you are doing this.

And based on your counselling session, make a demand to your wife that you want all the questions answered.

And if she does not that there will be repurcussions/consequences.

One of those consequences is calling her parents and letting them know what their beautiful daughter has been up to while you were at sea. And that this was not just a ONS.

Again, go to MC.

Let the OMW know right away.

Get tested for STD's.

Get the answers you need.

Go see an attorney to know your rights.

Then show your wife the consequences for her actions.

HM64


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

First, thanks for your service in uniform.

It's going to take more than one counseling session to work through this and my question is will you be deployed again? Because if you will, I can't see this ending any better than it has in the past.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Chris Taylor said:


> First, thanks for your service in uniform.
> 
> It's going to take more than one counseling session to work through this and my question is will you be deployed again? Because if you will, I can't see this ending any better than it has in the past.


:iagree:

Good point CHris.


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## civilian98 (May 4, 2012)

Chris Taylor said:


> First, thanks for your service in uniform.
> 
> It's going to take more than one counseling session to work through this and my question is will you be deployed again? Because if you will, I can't see this ending any better than it has in the past.




Thanks, I actually enjoy serving our great Nation.

My STD test is done as of last Friday, hers is scheduled for this week. 

I retire in FEB13. We received 12 counseling sessions being paid for by the military. We get more if the counselor feels we need them.


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## civilian98 (May 4, 2012)

happyman64 said:


> Civilian
> 
> Well you know your wife is lying to you.
> 
> ...



How do I find his wife? The OM is about to deploy and his wife moved back home to be with her family. I think I was able to find her on Facebook and in fact I did message her but she never responded. I have nothing to hide, my wife went through my Facebook messages and saw that I attempted contact with someone and asked me not to contact her. 

I finally got my wife to share with me what occurred including the fact that she took my son to his house in the middle of the night for sex. She's good, she managed to find a way to turn the whole thing around on me, telling me it occurred because she was unhappy with our marriage which is why this happened. She started to tell me how controlling and smothering I am, I've only been back for 2 weeks and already I'm being controlling and smothering. She couldn't give me specifics other than an issue that occurred this weekend that I didn't feel was best for the family and I asked her to compromise. Other than that nothing else.

Oh and she's the one talking D, she says she can't deal with me asking so many questions about it. She doesn't know if she can deal with it anymore.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Civilian

I think it is good that you guys are going to MC.

You need to find the OMW. Try spokeo.com. 

Some of the gang will give you more solutions for finding her.

Also, do not let your wife blame you. Do not let her turn the Affair around on you. You need to take control.

Problems in the marriage you both can share. Her decision to cheat multiple times was her decision. She knew it was wrong yet decided to do it anyway.

And how classless do you get when you drag your child around so you can have sex.

Your wife not only has problems with the marriage but she has self esteem issues and boundary issues my friend.

And you know what, when she does not even call to find a MC or she lays the blame back on you.

It just shows you how unremorseful she is for cheating on you.

That is not a good sign.

Again, expose the A to the OMW and her parents.

Your wife needs to feel those consequences. Not out of revenge but in order for her to see how hurtful her actions are to you, your marriage and your son.

HM64


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

civilian98 said:


> How do I find his wife? The OM is about to deploy and his wife moved back home to be with her family. I think I was able to find her on Facebook and in fact I did message her but she never responded. I have nothing to hide, my wife went through my Facebook messages and saw that I attempted contact with someone and asked me not to contact her.
> 
> I finally got my wife to share with me what occurred including the fact that she took my son to his house in the middle of the night for sex. She's good, she managed to find a way to turn the whole thing around on me, telling me it occurred because she was unhappy with our marriage which is why this happened. She started to tell me how controlling and smothering I am, I've only been back for 2 weeks and already I'm being controlling and smothering. She couldn't give me specifics other than an issue that occurred this weekend that I didn't feel was best for the family and I asked her to compromise. Other than that nothing else.
> 
> Oh and she's the one talking D, she says she can't deal with me asking so many questions about it. She doesn't know if she can deal with it anymore.


Is your wife active duty too along with the OM? If so, and you have proof of the affairs happening, I'd report both to their CO's right away. She sounds like a very manipulative woman and she's trying to blame shift the affair onto you. As I and others have posted in other threads, marital problems are shared by both but infidelity is 100% the fault of the one who cheated. Your are not to blame for her cheating. You may be partially to blame for any marital problems within the marriage itself - along with the faults that she brought to the marriage.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

I am glad you guys are going to MC it will be way more then 12 meetings.

A WS always wants to find ways to spin it. Your fault, your problems. Nothing is going to work until she is in full remorse for what has happened. You need to exposes this. keep working on that. Also did you get your wife to write a No Contact letter. Get her to do that right away.

As far as exposing does her family know and yours? That should be part of the process.

I am so sorry you are here and going through this BS, stay strong for you and the kid. 

Thank you for your service.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

civilian98 said:


> I retire in FEB13. We received 12 counseling sessions being paid for by the military. We get more if the counselor feels we need them.


Be aware that Tricare doesn't pay for marriage counseling once you retire. I assume that you're getting the counseling right now through Family Advocacy?

_*TRICARE covers behavioral health care only for beneficiaries with a valid behavioral health diagnosis. Counseling services that are not medically necessary for treatment of a diagnosed medical condition (e.g., educational, stress management and lifestyle modification counseling) are not covered. Although marriage counseling and family therapy may seem similar, under TRICARE, family therapy is covered, while marriage counseling is not.*_


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## civilian98 (May 4, 2012)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> Is your wife active duty too along with the OM? If so, and you have proof of the affairs happening, I'd report both to their CO's right away. She sounds like a very manipulative woman and she's trying to blame shift the affair onto you. As I and others have posted in other threads, marital problems are shared by both but infidelity is 100% the fault of the one who cheated. Your are not to blame for her cheating. You may be partially to blame for any marital problems within the marriage itself - along with the faults that she brought to the marriage.



I absolutely 100% agree with you, the only reason I haven't taken any action as suggested is because doing so will take food off our table. With the current affairs of cut backs in the military today, they are looking for any reason to separate service members. I did however contact the OM through Facebook to let him know that his failure to comply with my request for zero contact will result in me notifying his command.


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## civilian98 (May 4, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> Be aware that Tricare doesn't pay for marriage counseling once you retire. I assume that you're getting the counseling right now through Family Advocacy?
> 
> _*TRICARE covers behavioral health care only for beneficiaries with a valid behavioral health diagnosis. Counseling services that are not medically necessary for treatment of a diagnosed medical condition (e.g., educational, stress management and lifestyle modification counseling) are not covered. Although marriage counseling and family therapy may seem similar, under TRICARE, family therapy is covered, while marriage counseling is not.*_



I'm receiving counseling through a program called Military One Source, I've used it before when I felt a need for us to both attend counseling. The only problem is I went alone and was subsequently told that I need to come back with my wife.


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## civilian98 (May 4, 2012)

mahike said:


> I am glad you guys are going to MC it will be way more then 12 meetings.
> 
> A WS always wants to find ways to spin it. Your fault, your problems. Nothing is going to work until she is in full remorse for what has happened. You need to exposes this. keep working on that. Also did you get your wife to write a No Contact letter. Get her to do that right away.
> 
> ...



Thanks again, I honestly enjoy serving our great Nation.

Having a no contact order done, now I didn't think about that. I can do it myself, she'll make excuse after excuse as to why she can't or won't do it. 

I've briefly shared this with my Dad and her Mother, her Mother is highly disappointed in the whole thing. They were once very close, but if you read my post you'll see that they fell out over money.

She's crazy about my son, sometimes I feel as though she loves him more than me. I told her that if we separate and divorce I'm fighting for full custody for my son. Although I strongly believe it takes both parents to raise a child. I know the lifestyle that will pursue after a divorce, if she was bold enough to haul my son around to have sex, I don't want him around to see a parade of men coming in and out of my house.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Civ,

And do not think for a moment that your wifes unhappiness about her relationship with her mother is not spilling over onto your marriage.

Again, she has a right to be unhappy. But having an Affair is not the mature way to deal with her unhappiness.

Maybe you can take her to the clinic for a STD test and electro-shock therapy......

That might get her thinking again......

HM64


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

civilian98 said:


> I'm receiving counseling through a program called Military One Source, I've used it before when I felt a need for us to both attend counseling. The only problem is I went alone and was subsequently told that I need to come back with my wife.


Ok, I know that service. I retired not too long ago after 23 years of service (Air Force). Were you married over 10 yrs? Will she get half your retirement pay? How will that work being active duty married active duty?


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## civilian98 (May 4, 2012)

happyman64 said:


> Civ,
> 
> And do not think for a moment that your wifes unhappiness about her relationship with her mother is not spilling over onto your marriage.
> 
> ...



:lol: I love it! Thank goodness we get STD testing etc. for free, but it'll be hard convincing the Doc to perform electro-shock therapy. 

Good point about her relationship with her mother spilling over into our marriage. She used it as an excuse this morning but quickly downplayed it. Although I could not physically be here, I was available mostly whenever she wanted me to via sat phone and email. I constantly sent her flowers or small gifts to remind her that she was loved, she just got stuck on stupid.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

civilian98 said:


> I know the lifestyle that will pursue after a divorce, if she was bold enough to haul my son around to have sex, *I don't want him around to see a parade of men coming in and out of my house*.


Exactly. That's what WILL happen if you don't get custody.


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## civilian98 (May 4, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> Ok, I know that service. I retired not too long ago after 23 years of service (Air Force). Were you married over 10 yrs? Will she get half your retirement pay? How will that work being active duty married active duty?



You know I don't think she's entitled to anything since we're both active duty. At any rate that's a good question for me to ask the Jag Officer when I go see him this week.


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## civilian98 (May 4, 2012)

happyman64 said:


> Civilian
> 
> I think it is good that you guys are going to MC.
> 
> ...



You know it's interesting that you say my wife has esteem issues. This weekend we were getting ready to take my son to an amusement park, she tried on numerous outfits before settling on one. As I watched her, she often commented to herself about how good she looked. Don't get me wrong, she looks awesome, but true beauty is on the inside and doesn't require a self assessment. 

The other issue regarding her esteem is she recently disclosed to me that she was sexually molested from the age of around 7 to about 14 by a relative. I've often read and been told that women who are molested tend to be a bit more sexually active and take more risk. Is this because they don't value themselves and seek approval from others? I think she needs counseling just to properly deal with this issue.

Oh by the way, Spokeo.com is garbage, I tried Zabasearch.com which actually gives me phone numbers, however none of the numbers I contacted are any good. I did however find a bunch of the OM relatives on FB, would you recommend me contacting them to get to the OMW? If so, how do you suggest I address my questioning?


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Civ,

Your WW did get stuck on stupid.

But from her recent responses she is still stuck there.

No remorse, no regret.

Just realize that.

And do not let her throw D out there so casually.

That is a coward talking.

Stay strong Sailor.

HM64


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Have you been able to get into your WWs facebook account? For sure all the info about the OM is in there, including info about the OMW. And there's a chance that you may be able to get any passwords still stored in the computer under her profile. Try this:


*WebBrowserPassView v1.26* 

WebBrowserPassView - Recover lost passwords stored in your Web browser


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## civilian98 (May 4, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> Have you been able to get into your WWs facebook account? For sure all the info about the OM is in there, including info about the OMW. And there's a chance that you may be able to get any passwords still stored in the computer under her profile. Try this:
> 
> 
> *WebBrowserPassView v1.26*
> ...



I've been in her FB account several times. Right before I came home they discussed cleaning out all traces of communication between the two of them. However they did not plan for the keylogger which was taking screen shots and logging keystrokes. Unfortunately this particular keylogger does not record passwords but I have enough evidence to know exactly what was going on while I was away.

She keeps everything locked up tight now, she doesn't believe we should have full access to one another's thoughts which includes email accounts etc. Don't let me leave my accounts open though, she'll rifle through them in a heart beat. I can however practically at will access her FB/Email account through her iPad, she never logs out on it.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

civilian98 said:


> You know it's interesting that you say my wife has esteem issues. This weekend we were getting ready to take my son to an amusement park, she tried on numerous outfits before settling on one. As I watched her, she often commented to herself about how good she looked. Don't get me wrong, she looks awesome, but true beauty is on the inside and doesn't require a self assessment.
> 
> The other issue regarding her esteem is she recently disclosed to me that she was sexually molested from the age of around 7 to about 14 by a relative. I've often read and been told that women who are molested tend to be a bit more sexually active and take more risk. Is this because they don't value themselves and seek approval from others? I think she needs counseling just to properly deal with this issue.
> 
> Oh by the way, Spokeo.com is garbage, I tried Zabasearch.com which actually gives me phone numbers, however none of the numbers I contacted are any good. I did however find a bunch of the OM relatives on FB, would you recommend me contacting them to get to the OMW? If so, how do you suggest I address my questioning?


Oh Man. Just reading about abuse like that sets off many warning bells.

Your wife needs counselling. Big Time!!!

Many of us on TAM have seen threads like yours when the WS was molested at a young age. It is very important that you mentioned this.

And yes, I am very in tune with self esteem issues since I have 3 teenage daughters living under my roof.

I am going to PM a few people to chime in on your thread that have much better experience and can assist you. 

I do recommend an IC for your wife to speak to about the abuse when she was a child. Your description of her self assessment and affair actions scream abuse. Especially the part about dragging your son around.

And my suggestion about getting the OMW's number. Call up the relatives that your buddy (the OM) is shipping out and you wanted to contact his wife about a surprise for him. Ask them for her cell phone number.

Because you definitely have a surprise for him. And no matter what POSOM needs to feel consequences too!

HM64


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## civilian98 (May 4, 2012)

happyman64 said:


> Civ,
> 
> Your WW did get stuck on stupid.
> 
> ...



I actually agree, she caught me off guard when she yelled at me this morning for several minutes about how she feels smothered and controlled. I told her this is the situation she created, had she not cheated things would be different. I agree that she has no remorse for her indiscretions, I can't make her have any. All I can do is continue to draw parallels to how stupid she was for laying down with another man and having unprotected sex who knows how many times. I told her not only could she have gotten an STD, she could have gotten pregnant too. Then she showed a great lack of respect to me, having me follow up behind me for sex putting my life at risk. I got my HIV test back within 15 minutes, I have to wait 2 weeks for the other tests. I told her I want to see the results when they're available.


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## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

Civilian,

Thank you for working so hard to keep me and mine safe and free! Words cannot convey how appreciative I am for Americans like you.

You mentioned you have read here quite a bit but I want to make it very clear how any type of R cannot take place unless your WS fully embraces a path of remorse, transparency and a deep understanding about the pain she has caused you.

I have been attempting to R with my husband. He has expressed remorse. He, as far as I can tell, is being transparent. Things aren't going well though and I am not sure the R is going to work because he seems not to be able to deal with, understand or sooth my continued pain and anguish. (It has been 8 months since Dday). He is a horrible communicator so I, unfortunately, have to fill in the blanks but he clearly isn't giving me what I need to move on.

Do you think your wife is still in that fog that is often mentioned here? Do you think she is in the process of kicking the adrenaline addiction that is so often a part of an affair for a WS? Is there the possibility that when she gets through this portion of her own journey she will snap out of her current mindset?

My advice is this: Do NOT attempt any sort of reconciliation unless she is 100% remorseful and willing to walk along your path of pain with you. Getting just a portion of what is commonly thought to be required for a R is no where good enough to make it happen. This is very much an all or nothing in my opinion.


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## civilian98 (May 4, 2012)

happyman64 said:


> Oh Man. Just reading about abuse like that sets off many warning bells.
> 
> Your wife needs counselling. Big Time!!!
> 
> ...



Some find ways to stow away their emotions and deal with hurt and pain by covering them. I believe she used sex to cover her emotional scars, at least until she met me and that's a different post. I was thinking of weaseling this into the MC session this coming Friday, however I'm not sure if that'll be appropriate. 

Good suggestion regarding a way to reach OMW, I'll take that under advisement.


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## civilian98 (May 4, 2012)

Falene said:


> Civilian,
> 
> Thank you for working so hard to keep me and mine safe and free! Words cannot convey how appreciative I am for Americans like you.
> 
> ...




Wow, that's a good point! Sometimes I'll discuss a relationship issue with my wife, one that I feel is logically sound and she'll totally disagree with me. For someone in her late 30's, I believe she has a new millennium mentality regarding relationships. I on the other hand value the traditional aspect on marriage, not to mention this is also my second marriage.

I totally agree that my wife is in the adrenaline driven, foggy lala land, mirage where we all enter at the beginning of a new relationship. The one where we typically either don't see or overlook the faults of our SO. 

My point is, a lot of the things I tell her I know I'm right about. I press my point a little, then back off hoping that either in time she'll understand what I am saying or it'll be address elsewhere. 

I've explained to her that the path to R is hard and won't be an easy one but if we stay the course the victory will be a great one!


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Civ,

I PM'd a few respected individuals about your thread.

They will chime in soon and give you additional advice.

Not only did she use sex to mask the scars but when abused that young they often engage in risque sex.

No protection.
Sex with strangers.
Sex in front of others (sometimes children).
No regards for Loyal SPouse and themselves.

So just realize this as you look deeper into her head.

Was your wife married before you or in any LT relationship before you guys met?


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

She cheated but she thinks she still has a right to her privacy??? Ya, that's not remorse or regret. That's her still sneaking around and getting better at it. She doesn't look at you has her husband, she sees you as a parental figure that she has to sneak around on to have the fun she wants.


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## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

civilian98 said:


> Wow, that's a good point! Sometimes I'll discuss a relationship issue with my wife, one that I feel is logically sound and she'll totally disagree with me. For someone in her late 30's, I believe she has a new millennium mentality regarding relationships. I on the other hand value the traditional aspect on marriage, not to mention this is also my second marriage.
> 
> I totally agree that my wife is in the adrenaline driven, foggy lala land, mirage where we all enter at the beginning of a new relationship. The one where we typically either don't see or overlook the faults of our SO.
> 
> ...


I am impressed with the patience you are showing this. Most spouses would not have the presence of mind to be so thoughtful of their cheating spouse.

I would bet that her new attitude on relationships has more to do with the fog than anything else. This is where your patience may pay off as you see the fog where off you will start to get a sense of where she really stands.

Good luck to you on this! I hope at the end of it all you find yourself healthy and happy regardless of how it all works out.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

So her mother stole $10,000 from her, so she had revenge sex on you. Right... 

Someone is generating a lot of fog to justify themselves.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

as far as getting to OMW- you can try spokeo, intelius or even hiring a PI to get her cell number, another poster did that for $200


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Making her write the contact letter is also about her making a commitment. Just sit down at the table hand her a piece of paper telll her to write it sign it and you will send it. 

Instead of going to his CO how about calling the base Chaplian? I know it the MC the Chaplians office will call him in for a friendly word of advice.


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## civilian98 (May 4, 2012)

happyman64 said:


> Civ,
> 
> I PM'd a few respected individuals about your thread.
> 
> ...



This is her first marriage, we got married when she was 34 so in my opinion she married late in life. She was in multiple relationships prior to me, in fact we were on and off before she settled on me. Just prior to me, she had been out of a relationship three months.


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## civilian98 (May 4, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> So her mother stole $10,000 from her, so she had revenge sex on you. Right...
> 
> Someone is generating a lot of fog to justify themselves.



Interesting point of view. This is something I'll discuss with her tonight. Maybe see how not forgiving her mother is affecting our marriage.


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## civilian98 (May 4, 2012)

mahike said:


> Making her write the contact letter is also about her making a commitment. Just sit down at the table hand her a piece of paper telll her to write it sign it and you will send it.
> 
> Instead of going to his CO how about calling the base Chaplian? I know it the MC the Chaplians office will call him in for a friendly word of advice.



The ship he's assigned to has a Chaplain's Corp onboard. I'll take that under advisement.


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## civilian98 (May 4, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> as far as getting to OMW- you can try spokeo, intelius or even hiring a PI to get her cell number, another poster did that for $200



Now a P.I. is an excellent idea, how come I didn't think of that before. I just got off the phone with a P.I. they told me that for 175.00 they can give me OMW home number. Thanks!!


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

bing!!


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Her attitude , her continued lies, her refusal for transparency and continuing to have everything locked up, and the her statement that you are controlling.

She is still actively cheating or planning too. Thus guy might not be the only one. She may have had another before which triggered your gut to install the key logger , and she may have another lined up.

Either way when cheaters act like she us after being caught, it is always because they are still seeing you as a backup and not their primary relationship that they worry about keeping.

Since she has only blame and excuses and not a shred of guilt you might want to show her divorce papers to show her that the marriage is hanging in by a thread.

Bottom line : she's still cheating or planning on picking it back up,


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Oh and dump the couch and the bed in the trash. Ask her what she wore for him and burn it.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Update?


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