# Sex starved solution



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

So...

I've been sex-starved for years, sex perhaps 2-4 times per year for the last several years, zero positive affirmations, hugs and kisses are nil.

We spend some good times together as long as I don't bring up the sex part.

So, I read the blogs here. Over the last 9 months, I've transformed my physique to be better than when I left college. I was on the college basketball team by the way, I'm much stronger and more toned, my waist is nearly as slim and my arms stronger.

I've improved my leadership skills outside of the house. I got promoted on the job, I'm the manager over several groups. The reason I was the one chosen, is I make great strategic decisions under pressure and my teams stay motivated and get the job done.

I picked up a foreign language.

Took some ballroom dancing like dancing with the stars, I'm actually pretty good - and it helps my confidence to be proficient.

I keep my finger and toe nails well trimmed and manacured. 

My clothes are matching stylish sets, pressed and clean. I have a nice shoe collection and some professinal level buffers to keep them maintained.

I haven't asked or pestered my wife for sex in a very long time, I've grown in my security around her and before where my legs would get weak from the lack of empowerment and access, I stand firm - because I know who I am, and know I'm an excellent sexual partner, an excellent lover, always have been.

So we did this dance for a couple more years, and due to my personal integrity, I have not approached, groped or disrespected her space. My strength has not diminished...

And I see she can do this for years, many many more years.... I realize it makes her feel strong to keep my locked out of a resource so plentiful and free in this world...

I fall to my knees, and grab her waist, like a child does to his mommy. "Baby, please... I love you and I'm hurting, I'm tired of you not making love to me". Tears streaming down my face, my body trembling... I LOVE her!

And she says, sternly "what the hell are you doing", and pushes me off her as she walks away...

This is the reality of many sex starved males here.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

A real solution has been right in front of you the whole time. You just need the stones to do it.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

treyvion said:


> I fall to my knees, and grab her waist, like a child does to his mommy. "Baby, please... I love you and I'm hurting, I'm tired of you not making love to me". Tears streaming down my face, my body trembling... I LOVE her!
> 
> And she says, sternly "what the hell are you doing", and pushes me off her as she walks away...


She doesn't care about the positive changes you've made, she doesn't care about your needs, you're not going to get any sex from this woman, not even a pity handout. 

Begging her for sex is weak, unattractive, and ineffective. If anything it will just drive her further away but it looks like you had nothing to lose anyway.

The new physique and confidence will serve you well when you get out there and start dating and having sex again.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

lenzi said:


> She doesn't care about the positive changes you've made, she doesn't care about your needs, you're not going to get any sex from this woman, not even a pity handout.
> 
> Begging her for sex is weak, unattractive, and ineffective. If anything it will just drive her further away but it looks like you had nothing to lose anyway.
> 
> The new physique and confidence will serve you well when you get out there and start dating and having sex again.


It's a mock story. I've been thru it in a past life. I know this is where many of the people in the sex-starved positions are.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Oh. That's a very nice story. Well the reality is once a partner turns off of sex there's very little the other partner can do to turn it around. 

You can't change a person, so CHANGE the person.

Life is short. Ya know?


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Dude, divorce her already.

She isn't willing to take care of your needs and that is her job, just like its your job to take care of her needs.

You have got in shape, job promotion, more secure about yourself, learned to dance, clean shaved and clothing is sharp, and what has she done in equivalence?

She is comfy, doesn't care about you, only herself, perhaps even having an EA or PA, thus no interest in taking care of your needs.

She isn't going to change to better the marriage.

There are so many women out there that would kill to have a guy like you.

This is when PA's happen and I have no sympathy for those LD individuals, none!!!

Bite the bullet, divorce her sorry ass and find a real woman. Or......put up with her LD for the rest of time.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Since Ive been on this board (a month) I have seen this story over and over. It makes me so sad that so many people are being mistreated this way! In my marriage its more me on the side of wanting more, but these stories make me even more determined to never let my H feel this way, so neglected. 

Sex is so nice (and this is coming from me, who doesn't have O - yet). Its just such a nice part of life, I cant believe how many people don't care about it.


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## dream_weaver (Jun 5, 2012)

My partner's ex was exactly the same as your wife-he went to the gym and all she did was mock him,told him she didn't want sex with him and hadn't had sex in years!....well he left and now I have him 

I absolutely adore him and cannot get enough of him,I treat him with the respect he deserves,never nag him or tell him what to do (I don't like people telling me what to do so don't do it to anyone else). 

You need to find someone out there who treats you the way you deserve too,why do people settle when it's obvious there's not going to be any change. You can only change yourself which you've done and it hasn't made an ounce of difference where she's concerned...time to move on.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

You did a lot for yourself outwardly to try and improve yourself for her. What do you feel you have brought to the table for her and the marriage emotionally? And while all those things are great, I would think women would want more than just physical appearance or being able to dance. 

If you feel you have also done everything emotionally to save the marriage, an things are still falling on deaf ears, it might be time to give her separation papers. A person can only do but so much, something has to come from the other spouse to in order for it to work.


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## HogHead (May 14, 2013)

"I fall to my knees, and grab her waist, like a child does to his mommy. "Baby, please... I love you and I'm hurting, I'm tired of you not making love to me". Tears streaming down my face, my body trembling... I LOVE her!

And she says, sternly "what the hell are you doing", and pushes me off her as she walks away...

This is the reality of many sex starved males here."


Big mistake here! Stop the begging! Stop the tears! You showed weakness! Man Up, Improve yourself, change yourself for the better like getting physically fit! Hit the gym and lift weights! You can't change her but you can change you! Read MMSLP! I've been MAPPING for three months and I have lost 17 lbs with about 5 to 10 lbs to go. I've added some muscle. I look better and I feel better and guess what! I'm having sex with my wife again. A lot more! It may not work for your marriage but you will be a better man and a more confident man!


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

What I described was a male Adonis. He returned his physical condition to greater than it was as a college athelete. He's confident and strong. He also has other activities he's very proficient in. Its his wife who is not truly sexual but will use sex to snare someone, she's true LD. Life would be better without sex. Our male hero in this description realizes that he can be strong and not be diminished by his wife's lack of sexual interest but realizes she could wait DECADES. So he finally breaks down at the reality of his situation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Now see ... I like the ending where he is in the best shape of his life, master of his destiny; divorces his wife with dignity, dates lots of women, meets a stunning blonde that often cites what a 'good man' he is and she has a sex drive higher than his.

Trust me. Its better.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

I think that he knows she can "physically" take him on, but chooses not to and chooses not to share any intimacy or closeness, he would eventually choose to move on. He doesn't want to live his life in a way where his life partner won't meet some basic needs. He realizes even if she isn't necessarily feeling up to it, that even if she doesn't necessarily feel it, that she denies him out of these basic expressions because she wants to. That's the final hurdle he accepts.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

With much respect can I ask... why do people keep trying to get sex, love and affection from someone who knowingly withholds these basic marital needs.... for years on end.

I just don't get it. How can you be aroused by someone who isn't aroused and lusting for you? Without wanting to be crude I wonder how a man can 'get it up' in such a case.

Do you stay and keep trying because it WAS good once upon a time and you're wanting that back? Or just because you feel stuck because of kids or finances etc..? Or is it love??

I'm in no way judging anyone here... I'm just gob smacked by the number of sexless marriages I read about here on TAM and trying to understand how they occur and endure for so many years.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

We're either evil or stupid (a term I use rather liberally). Or both.

I personally have a stack of reasons, ranging from evil to stupid :scratchhead:


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

john117 said:


> We're either evil or stupid (a term I use rather liberally). Or both.
> 
> I personally have a stack of reasons, ranging from evil to stupid :scratchhead:


Your evil or stupid or the withholder is? Or our basic life choice is to be evil or stupid?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

The withholder is either one or both.

Again, neither term meant as an absolute, but as a relative term. Think whether it is smart to have the time and money for a nice vacation and, because of ignorance or fear or indifference to the new exotic place you shoot down the idea. That's the "s" part.

The "e" + "s" part is where you're ticked off at your partner and shoot down the idea without knowing what you too will be missing 

The more "e" part is when you're purely motivated by getting even or maintaining the power status quo and willingly refuse to go, knowing what you'll be missing and putting power ahead of fun.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Congratulations on all the things you did to improve yourself, but what did you do to improve the relationship between you and your wife?

When my wife and I went to marriage counseling, she told me four things I needed to do in order to improve our relationship. None of them had anything to do with my physical appearance even though I had gained some weight, was losing my hair and was out of shape.

They were things like communicating better, valuing her efforts inside and outside the home, being more honest and open with her. And when I did these things, and she confirmed I had done them, she realized she really wasn't in a position to deny my needs, that is unless she wanted to go back to the way things were.

If you think all the other aspects of your relationship (communication, trust, values) are sound then everyone is right... divorce her. Otherwise you might want tom have a discussion about what her needs are in the relationship and whether you are meeting them.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

john117 said:


> The withholder is either one or both.
> 
> Again, neither term meant as an absolute, but as a relative term. Think whether it is smart to have the time and money for a nice vacation and, because of ignorance or fear or indifference to the new exotic place you shoot down the idea. That's the "s" part.
> 
> ...


She could be a greedy powerballing feminist, who is in a piggish fashion setting in the masculine position and her husband can't do anything about it without being agressive, and the denying of sex and affection is filling her with the lust of the torture! Happens. Wish I didn't know.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

That would be a 90% E, 10% S. My office staff will send you the invoice 

Then, like I do in multiplayer Halo, do the unexpected and act as aggressive and / or indifferent as it gets without going overboard. Cut out creature comforts and see how long she plays along.

Even the most dedicated pig headed feminist will eventually blink. Then hopefully after she gets a taste of her own medicine you have a common ground to build up from, or to split.


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## atomoto (Jun 28, 2013)

Sex starvation is the worst thing a woman can put a man thru. It's consequences may be grave. It has led numerous men to one night stands, or cheating. The worst one is when you love the woman - cheating makes the situation even worse. 

The last part of the mail is an indication that he loves his wife.

Nevertheless, your wife does not care about you! You have only one life. And there is probably only one thing to do here: I join the others to advise you to divorce her and stop the misery. No matter what you do it will not change anything.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

I think the solution for someone like the OP is divorce. I know of two marriages that were like that. No amount of manning up or working out, or doing housework, or romantic gestures will work. Its really weird. My friends ex-wife froze him out, and it was bizarre. Its like his wife became vulcan. Its one thing to not feel love for him but she literally felt nothing. Not even anger or resentment. Even when he raised his voice because of his situation she was as cool as a cucumber. No fix for that type of emotional shutdown.


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## ginger-snap (Apr 10, 2013)

ReformedHubby said:


> I think the solution for someone like the OP is divorce. I know of two marriages that were like that. No amount of manning up or working out, or doing housework, or romantic gestures will work. Its really weird. My friends ex-wife froze him out, and it was bizarre. Its like his wife became vulcan. Its one thing to not feel love for him but she literally felt nothing. Not even anger or resentment. Even when he raised his voice because of his situation she was as cool as a cucumber. No fix for that type of emotional shutdown.


There is a quote, "The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference."

Sums it up pretty well. Hate at least is a feeling; you have to care in some way to hate something.


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## Want2babettrme (May 17, 2013)

treyvion said:


> So...
> 
> I've been sex-starved for years, sex perhaps 2-4 times per year for the last several years, zero positive affirmations, hugs and kisses are nil.
> 
> ...


OP, there are many women out there who would apreciate a man like you. It's time to move on. Me, I've reached my escape velocity.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Why? It beggars description. Some people are just like that. Nothing to be done about them. After a long bit of this I offered my blushing bride a generous 'severance package'. We're hammering out the details. It's all very civilized thank god, consider how insane it could have gone. But basically you can approach this like a business deal gone bad. The SLA's on the contract went bad, you're negotiating the penalties and exit terms. 

BTW it's been my experience that people like this take no actual active role or participation in the mechanics or discussion of separation or divorce. They just want to be handed a done deal they can cut up and endlessly modify and screw with. So you have to take a firm stance what your red lines are and beyond that it goes to arbitration or court.


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## jay1365 (May 22, 2013)

treyvion said:


> I see she can do this for years, many many more years.... I realize it makes her feel strong to keep me locked out of a resource so plentiful and free in this world...


It doesn't make her feel strong, it makes her feel in control. And you are right, she can keep this up for years, until you are so crazy you will wish you were dead or never met her. If you want to save your marriage, I urge you to read as much as you can on passive-aggressive personality types and how to deal with them.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

You have proven to yourself the futility of MMSL, MAP, and all the other alpha male bullsh!t.....A women will refuse sex to Mr. Universe, or the worlds most interesting man, or the geek of the world with equal alacrity....

No means no, no matter how alpha you are....

You can have a 24 pack, be hung like Mr. ED, earn a mill a month, have a platinum album, teeth whiter than the polar ice cap, smell like a pine forest with floral accents, drink 151 like milk, give her breakfast in bed and a solid gold master card.......

And get.....Naaaa, I don't wanna....

The one and only fix is to find someone that does wanna.....

Speaking from 47 years of experience

a somewhat bitter
woodchuck


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## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

Deejo said:


> ... and she has a sex drive higher than his.
> 
> Trust me. Its better.


Hmm - I'm in a relationship where I have a higher sex drive than my H. It's not better. Women get frustrated too, and it's far more than just the physical - I can masturbate for that (and I do!). When my H rejects me I feel unloved, unwanted and unattractive and it hurts our marriage.

The ideal is when you have an equal sex drive.


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## janefw (Jun 26, 2012)

waiwera said:


> With much respect can I ask... why do people keep trying to get sex, love and affection from someone who knowingly withholds these basic marital needs.... for years on end.
> 
> I just don't get it. How can you be aroused by someone who isn't aroused and lusting for you? Without wanting to be crude I wonder how a man can 'get it up' in such a case.
> 
> ...


Coming up on 14 years on a 'low sex' marriage (my husband is LD), I stay because we have three kids who deserve a stable home and two parents, and because I still love my husband. I don't believe that my needs are more important than the needs of our children. I'm 50yo. I've had my childhood and young adulthood and had all the fun in the world (and then some), and I've had the true joy of raising children - something that I desired very much. My kids haven't all gotten to adulthood yet and they deserve to get there without having to worry about mom and dad's marriage and whose house they will be spending the night at, and whether _they _caused the marriage break up etc etc. It is a FACT that the kids of divorce are more likely to abuse drugs, to engage in promiscuity, to become pregnant (or in the case of our boys, make a girl pregnant), and to have broken marriages themselves. That's NOT fair. Any parent worth his or her salt does not pile that kind of crap on a kid. So, I stay and I hope, and I work hard at all the things that I can do to improve myself, and I raise my kids in gratitude for their existence. End of.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Rewarding withholding with affection, financial support, or even civility is just casting pearls before swine.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

janefw said:


> Coming up on 14 years on a 'low sex' marriage (my husband is LD), I stay because we have three kids who deserve a stable home and two parents, and because I still love my husband. I don't believe that my needs are more important than the needs of our children. I'm 50yo. I've had my childhood and young adulthood and had all the fun in the world (and then some), and I've had the true joy of raising children - something that I desired very much. My kids haven't all gotten to adulthood yet and they deserve to get there without having to worry about mom and dad's marriage and whose house they will be spending the night at, and whether _they _caused the marriage break up etc etc. It is a FACT that the kids of divorce are more likely to abuse drugs, to engage in promiscuity, to become pregnant (or in the case of our boys, make a girl pregnant), and to have broken marriages themselves. That's NOT fair. Any parent worth his or her salt does not pile that kind of crap on a kid. So, I stay and I hope, and I work hard at all the things that I can do to improve myself, and I raise my kids in gratitude for their existence. End of.


I respect that. My x wife was just the opposite; her needs were above everybody else's. She even said it was time for her to be happy, and she was convinced the kids would be great.


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