# I have lower drive than my W, can I become higher drive?



## cavenger (Aug 26, 2012)

I want to make sure I am satisfying her and I would like yo do it more, but I don't seem tohave the drive she does.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Stop masturbating 
Get your testosterone tested 
Address any physical issues 
Eat healthy and work out
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cavenger (Aug 26, 2012)

diwali123 said:


> Stop masturbating
> Get your testosterone tested
> Address any physical issues
> Eat healthy and work out
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I dont masturbate.
The only time my doc tested my testosterone was during a regular checkup and he said it was normal.
Physically I may have some issues that could be related....but it seems to be more of a mental thing.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Before you do anything, can you explain how frequently she wants sex and how frequently you want it, as well as how often you actually have it?


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## cavenger (Aug 26, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> Before you do anything, can you explain how frequently she wants sex and how frequently you want it, as well as how often you actually have it?


She would like it every night or at least 5 days a week. I am maybe 2 a week. Its normally 2....and then only on same day.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

cavenger said:


> I dont masturbate.
> The only time my doc tested my testosterone was during a regular checkup and he said it was normal.
> Physically I may have some issues that could be related....but it seems to be more of a mental thing.


The physical aspect may have a lot to do with it. Working out (especially with weights) can boost your testosterone levels. It also improves your mood in general.

You tell us. Why do YOU think you have a lower drive? You think it's mental; why do you say that?

C


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

How old are you both? Who initiates?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

cavenger said:


> She would like it every night or at least 5 days a week. I am maybe 2 a week. Its normally 2....and then only on same day.


So for you, it's two times a week but both on the same day? So really, one day a week?

While I think her demand is likely to high, 2-3 times a week is much more typical for an average. Have you considered trying to spread it out a little more often instead of jamming both session into the same day? From your wife's perspective it sounds like a case of a one day feast followed by a six day famine. I can see how she'd be frustrated.

Would you consider a sex schedule? Something say where you'd agree to trying sex once every say three days? Knowing that sex is on the schedule might help you get yourself ready a bit better. Some people have said they've had success with a sex schedule. Additionally, is there anything you like that your wife could do to help get you in the mood? An evening out, playing a game, some foreplay, etc?


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Op - how old are you both?

If you Google 'natural ways to boost Testosterone' you will get loads of links. 

Some of nights you don't have sex is there any way you would be into any kind of sex-play. She can still get her rocks off and you both get bonding/fun time together.

We've had nights where I'm horny and H isn't...we'll spoon in bed and he will kiss and stroke me while we/I finger or use a sex toy on myself. It's yummy. 

I feel loved and H feels no pressure to 'perform'.

Well... that's what works for us!


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## east2west (Oct 19, 2012)

*Address your overall fitness*

Start a muscle building workout and diet routine. This will increase your testosterone levels. Body Beast from Beachbody is a really good choice. Make sure you are not running a big calorie deficit though. Rapid weight loss is not good for your sex drive.

*Address your sexual fitness*

Don't listen to who ever said to stop masturbating. If you don't masturbate and only have sex once a week then that is part of your problem. If you start having more frequent orgasms your body will start wanting more orgasms. It's just like exercise, once you starting exercising your body wants and expects to exercise more. I would make sure you have at least 3 orgasms per week, not counting your "round 2". So if you have sex with your wife on say Friday, then make sure to rub one out on Monday and Wednesday. Once you are comfortable with that I would start having sex with your wife on Monday and Wednesday instead of masturbating. Then you can add one or two more solo sessions and gradually sub those out for real sex. Once you are doing it on most days I would still keep the habit of masturbating at least 3 times a week to practice getting aroused and maintaining an erection, but you don't need to cum if you are going to have sex later in the same day. I would also incorporate kegel exercises into your masturbation routine. This will make it easier to get and keep an erection.

*Develop your sexual mind*

Read and/or write some erotic stories, look at porn, read and think about sex. Having sex on the brain makes you want sex more.


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## cavenger (Aug 26, 2012)

I really appreciate all of your responses.....

I am 45 and she is 46. About 5 years I started having some bph issues. Personally, for me, it had adversely affected my sex drive. I just did not feel like myself. My **** felt choked. It is much better now since I got on meds for (oxybutitin and terazosin). I also periodically take cialis for a boost. 

I said I do not masturbate but actually I rarely madturbate. Mostly because I had a mild porn addiction and I don't really want to go there again.

Not sure I like the schedule idea because it sounds unexciting .....but its a thought.


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## Michael A. Brown (Oct 16, 2012)

try some supplements that could help to boost your sex drive.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Are you two overweight? If so how much? 
Can she get you hard thru foreplay? 

Is the issue hardness, your enjoyment level or both?


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## cavenger (Aug 26, 2012)

MEM11363 said:


> Are you two overweight? If so how much?
> Can she get you hard thru foreplay?
> 
> Is the issue hardness, your enjoyment level or both?


She is definitely not overweight ....she is small, petite, hot. I may be a little overweight but I wouldnt say I am fat at all.

Perhaps the issue is my interest.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

2x/week sounds reasonable to me. but I guess it's not what other people think, it comes down the inequity of what you both want.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

cavenger said:


> She is definitely not overweight ....she is small, petite, hot. I may be a little overweight but I wouldnt say I am fat at all.
> 
> Perhaps the issue is my interest.


And why are you not interested, do you think? You said it was a mental issue earlier, but you haven't elaborated.

C


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

cavenger said:


> I really appreciate all of your responses.....
> 
> I am 45 and she is 46. About 5 years I started having some bph issues. Personally, for me, it had adversely affected my sex drive. I just did not feel like myself. My **** felt choked. It is much better now since I got on meds for (oxybutitin and terazosin). I also periodically take cialis for a boost.
> 
> ...


Your wife is in her "*prime*" right now (Mid 40's).... I really feel it is almost HARDER on women when we feel our husbands don't *desire* us...it's just not supposed to be this way, women are more emotional to begin with, so the rejection is very difficult, hurtful...we tend to take it very personally...(even though maybe we shouldn't) . 

My husband couldn't keep up with me when I hit 42... I wanted it way more than your wife [email protected]#$%^ I would get really emotional about it sometimes.... play it up in my mind ...I even sent him to get his Test checked ! 


How is your wife handling this? Do you feel she is hurting, is she making you feel pressured. 

*1. * Sounds like Meds are affecting you - very common. Can you talk to your Doctor.

*2. * Whatever can REV your sex drive, what turns you on, pushes your buttons....talk to her about it....lingerie? A little watching porn together ? We did that, it was a great SPICER. 

*3. * Any emotional issues not dealt with between the 2 of you, a silent resentment not resolved - to get your emotional connection back on tract? 

*4*. If you are having brain fog, fatigued, falling asleep after work, erection issues, this could be LOW Testosterone.. 

*5*. If your wife is in the mood, if she starts working on you... (orally is a great jump start).... does this generally get you going ?? 

Maybe she could read a few books on Techniques, try some new stuff to make it more exciting for you - I went out of my way to spice things up with my husband when I wanted more ...







.

My favorite >> Passionista: The Empowered Woman's Guide to Pleasuring a Man: Ian Kerner:








http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-ma...allowing-our-partner-turn-us-love-making.html


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

cavenger said:


> Not sure I like the schedule idea because it sounds unexciting .....but its a thought.



First, it's not so much the excitement factor as it is a means to make a compromise. You want sex 2x a week, she wants it 5x a week. This way, every say three days is 2-3x a week and it's also spread out so not to be all in one day, helping her out as well. 

Secondly, there's no reason you can't work on it being fun. Just because it's schedule sex night, that doesn't mean you have to say what kind of sex it will be. Maybe one day you get to decide what goes on in the bedroom and she has to wait to find out, and the next night she gets to pick and you don't find out what's up until you get there. Maybe one night can be dedicate to role playing, or buy a sex game, or sex dice, and let them dictate your evening.There is lots of ways to spice things up. Scheduling sex could be like scheduling a dinner date with some friends. You know you have to show up and have dinner but after that you have no idea what's going to happen, from the food on your plate to the conversation to whether the evening ends there or you go off to a movie or something. Same thing in bed, all you know is your going to the bedroom, but after that anything can happen if you have an open enough mind.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Regarding sex, what's your goal? If it's an exercise to make you feel good (like your porn addiction), then your "drive" is in control. If the goal is to make your wife feel loved, appreciated, and desires, then you'll respond according to her need, without regard for what you need or want. Attending to your needs is your wife's business. Your job is to attend to her's. Emotions are just something you have to feel you aren't obligated to obey them. Whether I feel excited about going to work or not, I show up at the appointed hour and do my thing. I expect you do, too. Whether I feel great or lousy about paying my bills, I still pay them. My hungry kids eat whether I feel hungry or not. If I found an activity unpleasant and I wanted to change, I would do it as often as possible until I had convinced myself the activity was not only not unpleasant but it was a very important part of who I was.


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## Summer4744 (Oct 15, 2012)

Cavenger. Have you ever. Considered pleasing her everyday and then pleasing each other two times a week.


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## east2west (Oct 19, 2012)

cavenger said:


> I said I do not masturbate but actually I rarely madturbate. Mostly because I had a mild porn addiction and I don't really want to go there again.


So, basically you hurt yourself exercising, learned that exercise is bad, and are never going to do it again. What is a "mild porn addiction" anyway?


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

east2west said:


> So, basically you hurt yourself exercising, learned that exercise is bad, and are never going to do it again. What is a "mild porn addiction" anyway?


No... it's more like...

' I was an alcoholic once... so i learnt I can't drink alcohol.'

Unlike the majority of us, who can drink moderately and it not become a problem in their lives.


I know of functioning alcoholics.. I would say their addiction is milder (I may well be wrong) than the guy who ends up homeless drinking out of brown paper bag whilst sitting in the gutter.


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## east2west (Oct 19, 2012)

waiwera said:


> No... it's more like...
> 
> ' I was an alcoholic once... so i learnt I can't drink alcohol.'
> 
> ...


I'm going off what the OP said, not reading between the lines.

He did not say that watching porn or masturbating created a problem in his life. 

He only said he had a "mild porn addiction".


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

cavenger said:


> I dont masturbate.
> The only time my doc tested my testosterone was during a regular checkup and he said it was normal.


It's probably not normal, or at the very bottom. No test, means no desire. Plus, That's a very odd thing to check in a regular checkup. What was the level and how long ago was it?



cavenger said:


> Physically I may have some issues that could be related....but it seems to be more of a mental thing.


What's your body fat percentage? Higher body fat percentages up estrogen and suppress testosterone.

If you don't know your BF%, what is your waist measurement right above the navel?

What's your workout?


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

east2west said:


> I'm going off what the OP said, not reading between the lines.
> 
> He did not say that watching porn or masturbating created a problem in his life.
> 
> He only said he had a "mild porn addiction".


And I was explaining how your exercise analogy made no sense,
it was a poor example.


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## east2west (Oct 19, 2012)

waiwera said:


> And I was explaining how your exercise analogy made no sense,
> it was a poor example.


It is a fine example.

It's just that I view masturbation as a type of exercise and you think it's an addiction. I have to work out pretty much everyday. Does that mean I am an exercise addict or just a person who makes a priority out of fitness?


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

east2west said:


> It is a fine example.
> 
> It's just that I view masturbation as a type of exercise and you think it's an addiction. I have to work out pretty much everyday. Does that mean I am an exercise addict or just a person who makes a priority out of fitness?


I didn't say anything of the kind ... your actually making stuff up now.

I *clearly* said that _most_ people can drink alcohol OR watch porn, gamble, shop, exercise...etc and it NEVER causes a problem but these things can be addictive for SOME people.

It's been clearly documented (often by credited researchers and universities) that there are many types of addiction. Anything that gives us pleasure can be addictive.

If your exercise was interfering with your health or work or your relationships then YES, of course it's a problem. BTW I understand exercise addiction well.... I've worked over 20 years in the fitness industry. I've known many exercise addicts and I've seen folk who continued to exercise even though they were injured and over-trained. I've seen skin and bone anorexics who came to the gym everyday and did class after class... not for fun or health but because the couldn't NOT workout. The endorphin buzz you get from your exercise easily explains how it could be addictive.

Just because you don't suffer from something yourself (or understand it)...it doesn't mean it doesn't exist.

You do understand that right??


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## Lovesong (Nov 26, 2012)

I have a similar problem. I have a higher sex drive than my BF. I have been turned down for sex several times when I initiate which is devastating for a woman. (Men are supposed to 'want it' all the time right, so what's the problem??). While I too feel like 'the schedule' is unexciting not to mention not sexy, I can see the rationale behind it. I think it is a good idea! At least worth a try. 

Now folks, how to I suggest it to my bf in a non-threatening way??


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I think it's difficult for some men to cope under the pressure from a HD woman. I saw it with my own supposed LD husband (he's not btw). He'd lost touch with everything male because I was essentially the aggressor and controlling. Can't have two males in a marriage. It just loses something in translation somehow and you end up with a role reversal where the wife wants more sex than the man does. Some men (like SA's husband a few others) do well with this dynamic but on this board that is not the norm.


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## Lovesong (Nov 26, 2012)

So where to from here?


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Lovesong said:


> I have a similar problem. I have a higher sex drive than my BF. I have been turned down for sex several times when I initiate which is devastating for a woman. (*Men are supposed to 'want it' all the time right, so what's the problem??).* While I too feel like 'the schedule' is unexciting not to mention not sexy, I can see the rationale behind it. I think it is a good idea! At least worth a try.
> 
> Now folks, how to I suggest it to my bf in a non-threatening way??


Tell him that you think he is facing pressure due to you asking for sex more often he wants it, and that you want to find a compromise to help alleviate some of the pressure. Assuming he is ok with this idea, suggest the schedule. Just make sure to tell him upfront that the schedule is something that is a temporary thing, not a permanent part of the relationship. You can make it permanent later if you wish if it works well for you two, but leave yourself the option to remove it if it's not working well or you don't want to get into a rut.

Btw, I think the part above that I bolded is the worse thing for men in a sex life. It's a common thought process for many women, but it creates an atmosphere where men almost have to perform all the time simply because the consequences are to high if you don't.

I'll give you two examples from my life. With my ex-wife, I may have turned her down 3-4 times in 10 years in our relationship. The few times I did turn her down was after we were married, and usually due to resentment or anger from me towards her due to the fact she had no problem rejecting me repeatedly.

Yet when I turned her down, I would get questioned almost endlessly because my ex-wife felt for sure there was something wrong. I guess in a way she was right because I was turning her down because I was pissed off about the marriage in general as well as our sex life, but I wasn't turning her down for any specific reason usually but rather because I was upset with life (and the marriage) in general to the point that I just "wasn't in the mood." My ex-wife though took any rejection as a sign that I was having an affair or addicted to pron or something way out in left field and would usually just lead to a fight, so I simply would "put out" most times I wasn't in the mood rather than go through the hours of fighting and false accusations and the days/weeks/months of resentment, *****iness from her over it.

In my current relationship, I have been with my fiancee for five years and I turned her down once. That was about three weeks ago. She asked why I told her that I wasn't really in the mood because I wanted some variety to our sex life and I knew she wasn't in the mood for that. Now I will say that I should have mentioned that in the previous weeks leading up to this rejection, as it was on my mind, but I didn't, so that's on me. I did ask for different positions, times, places, etc. during that time, but I never actually said "I'd like to spice up our sex life" so when I told her why i said no, it didn't go over well.

She though took it completely wrong and thought I wasn't attracted to her, thought I was 'bored' with our sex life and even thought I said our sex life "sucked,' which it doesn't. It took a lot of discussion to make her understand where I was coming from and what I really wanted. Now in hindsight this issue has panned out great because so far there is variety a plenty right now (I'll wait and see if it continues before ruling it as a long-term success) but it still was a big issue simply because I said no once. 

For the record I got turned down by my ex-wife a ridiculous amount of times during our relationship, I'd say at least 75% of the time I tried anything with me having a large decline in the number of times I actually initiated anything as the marriage went along. I couldn't even tell you the last time she initiated prior to me leaving (not surprisingly she tried to initiate a lot after I left). With my fiancee I don't get denied nearly that often but I do get denied usually once a week or so, so once in five years from me pales in comparision to my rejection rate.

I bet a lot of guys go through situations similar to this. If each time we say no the woman reacts like we have just fatally wounded the marriage, why would we say no? It's just easier to try and get into the mood than say no. I'm not trying to say that it's terrible, since we are having sex anyways, but I'd rather try and get through 10 minutes of mediocore sex than have a three day long discussion about why I said no.



Mavash. said:


> I think it's difficult for some men to cope under the pressure from a HD woman. I saw it with my own supposed LD husband (he's not btw). He'd lost touch with everything male because I was essentially the aggressor and controlling. Can't have two males in a marriage. It just loses something in translation somehow and you end up with a role reversal where the wife wants more sex than the man does. Some men (like SA's husband a few others) do well with this dynamic but on this board that is not the norm.


I think there's a balance to be found. I know that I like to be the agressor most of the time, but I like it if at least 25% of the time she comes onto me. Everyone wants to feel sexy and loved and it's hard to know if your spouse finds you to desireable if she never asks or initiates. Getting pursued by your spouse is a huge ego booster for a man. Just as much as a job promotion in some cases.


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## Lovesong (Nov 26, 2012)

Thanks for the thoughtful response. Lots of food for thought there. Lucky you to have found someone less insecure than your ex. My ex was a disaster in that dept too. Soooooo darn insecure. After 14 yrs I finally realized you cannot love someone out of their insecurities. You simply have to let them go. 

It's an interesting thought that you would rather have the 10 min sex than go through three days of questioning! I bet! No wonder. Though, I don't think I've ever put a man through that. I'm pretty darn level headed and logical. They say a woman treats her husband the way she treats her father. That the mate relationship will reflect the relationship she has/had with her dad. My dad was great. He is still great. We have a good, respectful, relationship. I get along better with him than my mum. He raised me to think I could do anything I want. Was very non-chauvanistic and expected me to mow the lawn and help with drywall. So, I'm that girl. I expect to be treated like an equal in the day to day. yes, I'm sure it's hampered my relationships with some men who can't cope with an intelligent equal as their woman. That's what happened with previous BF. His ego couldn't take that I know stuff (like how to mix drywall mud for example, lol). Sadly, I just think a man is pathetic if he can't cope with stuff like that. Grow up. So, despite the fact it was the best sexually satisfying relationship I've ever had (and miss), I had to move on. 

IN the end, it is not enough. After the ecstasy, the laundry as they say. 

Thanks for listening and sharing. I need this!


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Lovesong said:


> I just think a man is pathetic if he can't cope with stuff like that. Grow up.


Been married 21 years now to a 'pathetic' man as you say. I say this with love in my heart if this is your attitude then you have a lot to learn about men. It isn't about competing or being equals with men it's about allowing them the honor of being well men. 

So what if I can mow the lawn or mix drywall mud think I'm doing that now? Um no. That's HIS job and as a result I'm having a lot more sex than you.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> Been married 21 years now to a 'pathetic' man as you say. I say this with love in my heart if this is your attitude then you have a lot to learn about men. It isn't about competing or being equals with men it's about allowing them the honor of being well men.
> 
> So what if I can mow the lawn or mix drywall mud think I'm doing that now? Um no. That's HIS job and as a result I'm having a lot more sex than you.


Interesting view point.

As a man, I have mixed feelings on this issue. I agree that I like to be 'the man of the house' so to speak, meaning I like to be the go to person to fix stuff, at least the basic stuff I know how to fix. That said, if my fiancee knew how to say replace the water heater or do drywall, I'd expect that she be willing to help, not say it's my job.

Maybe I'm different, I don't know, but I think that if we're in the age of women's lib and all that, then unless it's a job which she simply can't physically do and I can, then all jobs are done by both people. Sure I have MY jobs per say, but only because they are jobs I do better or jobs I enjoy doing or jobs she can't do for some reason, and vice versa. There's no real man jobs and woman's jobs in our household. In fact, I like it quite a bit if she pitches in and does, or helps with, traditional men's work.


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## Lovesong (Nov 26, 2012)

Well if you read what I actually said, it was HE who competed with me. That was the pathetic part. There is NO need to compete in a loving relationship. You should be each other's best cheerleaders. He was a very insecure man, period.


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## Lovesong (Nov 26, 2012)

Here here! I agree. There are some jobs that men are better at and vice versa. Also, everything is individual. For example, I am a hunter. I take the shot, I gut the moose, I cut, pack, wrap, grind, can, etc. i don't expect to stand back and let the guy do all that work because it is traditionally 'men's' work. As it happens, I have never been with a hunter. So, my present BF is a chef. He cooks a whole lot more than me even though that is a 'traditionally' woman's job. He enjoys it and after 20 yrs of being the main head cook in a marriage, I have to say I'm loving the time off! It is a treat. He's pretty excited about using the deer and moose I have in the freezer. To me, it's a respectful relationship that works. I do more of the cleaning, he does more organizing. It just works out that way. We each have our strengths. I hate dealing with vehicles and he has the talent to know how to fix them. Fly at it I say. And I'm appreciative and let him know it! 

Those really are the side bar issues. Neither of us are complaining about that. In fact, this guy is not insecure about my accomplishments. He's the first man I've met/dated who wasn't. It's damn refreshing and a big part of what I find so attractive about him. He's secure in who he is in this regard. IN fact, he's very much my best cheerleader and vice versa.


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## Lovesong (Nov 26, 2012)

PS. Dear Kingsfan: I thought these were just between you and I! That's what I thought the 'personal' part meant. Oops and sorry if being this 'out' there with everything wasn't your intention and it was a mistake on my part of how to use this thing. I only started yesterday. Please feel free to 'educate' me on the privacy issue if needed !


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Lovesong said:


> PS. Dear Kingsfan: I thought these were just between you and I! That's what I thought the 'personal' part meant. Oops and sorry if being this 'out' there with everything wasn't your intention and it was a mistake on my part of how to use this thing. I only started yesterday. Please feel free to 'educate' me on the privacy issue if needed !


Lol. It's fine, I figure you were just adding to the thread, not intending a private message.

To private message people, you just click their name and it should give you a drop down bar with some options. One is to send a private message.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> Interesting view point.
> 
> As a man, I have mixed feelings on this issue. I agree that I like to be 'the man of the house' so to speak, meaning I like to be the go to person to fix stuff, at least the basic stuff I know how to fix. That said, if my fiancee knew how to say replace the water heater or do drywall, I'd expect that she be willing to help, not say it's my job.
> 
> Maybe I'm different, I don't know, but I think that if we're in the age of women's lib and all that, then unless it's a job which she simply can't physically do and I can, then all jobs are done by both people. Sure I have MY jobs per say, but only because they are jobs I do better or jobs I enjoy doing or jobs she can't do for some reason, and vice versa. There's no real man jobs and woman's jobs in our household. In fact, I like it quite a bit if she pitches in and does, or helps with, traditional men's work.


I agree.

I'm just making a point. Of course I'm happy to pitch in and do often but at the end of the day HE is the man of the house and I'm just the helper. It's all in the attitude.

Before I was a I am woman hear me roar, I don't need a man except for sex, control freak and now I'm not. Make sense?


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## Revel (Mar 13, 2012)

cavenger said:


> ...The only time my doc tested my testosterone was during a regular checkup and he said it was normal....


I agree with Machiavelli. What were those numbers? The average total testosterone level for a 45 year old man is above 600. Most doctors only look at the ranges printed on the sheet they receive from the lab, which are ranges that cover 90 year old men. If your levels are below 400, then they are definitely too low for a 45 year old man to function optimally.


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