# I left...then he left.



## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I posted in the addiction and relationships forum but it seems to be not as active. 

A brief synopsis (I'll try): My second marriage (married 25 years first itme) and almost 3 years married. I was told about his addiction history 4 months into the relationship and how he was sober from meth for 12 years. I figured ok...that's pretty good. He wasn't in a recovery program-he was sick of the lifestyle; hated his life and moved to another state. 

We date for 3 years...some concerns, on my part, due to being somewhat emotional immature and not a good communicator in conflict. 

We have been through alot during our relationship (his health concerns-heart; migraines-FMLA for 3 months this year; sex/ED issues for the last 2 years; relapse meth 6 months after we were married-first rehab and recovery for about 2 months after; long shiftwork/overtime work hours-no time for relationships/social/fun).

He began drinking on his terms. You know "I am doing recovery my way." I stay out of his recovery and voiced my concerns. The last several months the drinking increased.

He has been seeing a counselor for almost a year-when he can fit it in with his schedule. I've discussed "his schedule" at work and suggested moving positions, in the future but he loves his job etc. I felt it was the top of his list.

Well...uptopia was around the corner and vacation for about 3 weeks in Hawaii. Where we were married. I wasn't that happy overall...struggled with feeling single in a partnership; struggled with the lack of sex and his low libido. I gave him testosterone shots and he had ED meds. 

Hawaii arrived and 3 days later...I was discussed our sex life (delicate) and he had nothing to say (typical in conflict). Next morning, he kissed me goodbye and said "I'll do better" and went fishing with a friend. 

Upon arriving at the condo...his demeanor and attitude for the rest of the week was disconnected. I was also as he refused to talk about anything. I just wanted him to care and understand my concerns. Take some action on his part....his drinking was on his mind. 'I need a drink. Do you want to go to a bar. Etc." 

A week later....after an attempt to make amends; after a week of feeling alone on the vacation; I left. He said "you know what that means if you leave. I said...I know." I was in pain and needed a break from him. A friend picked me up. 

I attempted to call/email/text and he did not respond. Briefly, he said "All I can say is go home." That was it. I apologized etc but wasn't sure what to think/do. 

Days later, I looked at our phone bill/call log and noticed several one minute calls. Plugged it into google and it was an escort service. I knew that mean drugs and sex. He doesn't have a history of cheating on me and according to him on others.....however our sex issue would cross over. Meth and sex go together....no ED with that.

I was blown away. He contacted the escort service as soon as I had left. Can you say he mentally relapsed prior to me ever leaving. 

In addition, he hooked up with lady (probably from a bar) and took her to restaurants and activities that we planned. I texted her a warning. She broke it off (according to her text) and he left an angry message with me; then called the escort services the last two days of our vacation. Say Binge.

We arrived home; he packed his stuff; anger and obviously coming down. He wasn't pretty. I am cool person; slow to anger; and didn't add fuel to the fire. 

Two week later, he said he's filing for a divorce. I am blown away. He denies wrongdoing..."I left" afterall. He is still in contact with the woman from the trip but she lives in another state. 

Up to the last few days, it seems that he wasn't using when he got home. No phone calls/1 min and no cash withdrawals. He admits to seeing his counselor again. 

He is selfish; prideful and thinking only of his possessions including his dog! "The dog is mine." To saying he wasn't happy because "you never cooked enough!"

This man, a week prior to our vacation, has always professed his love for me. "You are the one I prayed for. The love of my life. I am so happy to have you." I have stood by him through thick and thin and he's recognized and appreciated it. 

Today...he can't see the forest through the trees. I don't know if he's using meth or his brain is screwed up but he fell off a cliff-bigtime. 

I recognize that he will regret his actions at some point. I know I am a good person; patient; intelligent; and attractive; kind; etc. He cannot convince me otherwise. 

I am just blindsided-so is his mother; my daughter; family and friends. I guess this is what addicts do.

I take back emotional immaturity point...he's emotionally crippled. 

Ugh...I am extremely loyal and take my marriage as a forever thing. 

Just my story. I know it's good, over all, that he's gone. We had a good time when we had time. He's a Christian like I am and he was walking the walk up until vacation. Then the obsessions took over and I just gave him a reason to use-when I walked away.


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## Jane139 (Jan 6, 2015)

You need to admit you made a mistake and get out of this marriage ASAP. There is no hope. You married an addict, and one that is not even really trying to make overcome his issues. He is not in any way attemtping to make your marriage work. No reason to think thungs will improve. Just go. Call a lawyer and make it happen. Good luck. Also...nothing Christian about his behaviors, as far as I can tell...


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Yes, Jane...his relapse before...he was humble and walked into HR at work and said "I need help." He went to rehab and continued to be humble. He was taking care of his recovery (no meetings; drinking; no recreation; relationships limited; lack of a support system). 

I have an appt with an attorney tomorrow. He said he wanted to file the paperwork himself-money wise. I asked him when he might get the paperwork, from the court. He said this week. I told him that he has a history of not being proactive. He wants to save money. So do I. It will be uncontested. 

Not a thing Christian about his behaviors....uh far from it! I suppose the addiction took over and his shame is great. He couldn't look me in the eyes until last Sat. Even then it's limited. He thinks this divorce is because we both were "unhappy for awhile." I have no evidence that he was unhappy-in fact I always checked in on him when I voiced my concerns. He attended counseling, with me, prior to our trip...."He was grateful, thankful, and happiest he's ever been." I have a voicemail stating the same thing. 

My how things change when you cannot cope with a crisis.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

He will not admit that it is his addiction, it will be everything else and every one else's fault because he cannot admit to himself that he has fallen off the wagon again.
if you stay with someone like this in active addiction your life will be miserable on all levels. he has committed adultery you should divorce him and not look back.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Thank you all for the feedback. So far, we have no communication since last Saturday. When he showed up for his stuff, he appeared off of meth. I know he's still drinking-joint bank account. Attitude is distant; with underlying anger.

He is to obtain paperwork, this week, from the courthouse, as he doesn't want to get lawyers involved. I'm ok with that...

There is no commitment from him, at this point. No apology for what happened on vacation and no acknowledgement. It tells me much about his headspace.

I should be the one pushing for divorce but he is quite anxious to get out of this marriage. I will let him do the work. 

Of course, it's humorous why he was "not happy." He said "I didn't cook enough!" That shows him grasping at straws and in some sort of denial/delusional state. LOL!

Most people, including his mother, say he will regret it. I believe he will....that's going to be his problem.

I am moving on, with a heavy heart, and another divorce under my belt.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Good luck and you took a risk. Sometimes it works and sometimes it does not. But, divorce in this case would be a successful outcome from my perspective.

Normally, the majority of one's problem does not want to leave.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I agree. I suppose I am still wrapping my head around the abrupt change...he's always been very loving for the most part. However, once confronted with a concern or difficult discussion...he couldn't handle in a mature way. He was getting better, with counseling, but really this has been a HUGE step back. The shutdown is almost unbearable bordering emotionally abusive (going days).

I dreamed last night (usually don't remember them) but it was about us reconnecting. We held hands and I felt love but knew that he wasn't able to make amends at this point. 

There was a lot of drama in this relationship and/or issues....I deserve more or a partnership in my marriage. We all do.



The is a sermon in video by T.D. Jakes on "Let them walk away." 

"Don't chase them. Don't beg them. Just let them walk away. Their time in your life is over. You cannot resurrect the dead."


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Many people are great and make you think you're getting what you expected...until they're called out on their behavior. Then the wall goes up and they just quit. I've known several people like this. Simply won't participate if you're going to scrutinize. And throughout this thing you called a relationship, he basically got to do whatever he wanted. Meth? Still there with him. Drinking? Still there. Selfishness? Still there, too. You were something that was good for him in terms of making his life comfortable; as long as you accepted him as he was, why not keep you? Once you stop, expect more, you're not worth it any more.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

If I were you, I'd handle the divorce paperwork. Addicts aren't exactly known for being ultra responsible.

And you want to get it filed ASAP to distance yourself from him legally. He's an addict who is currently using and is seeing escorts. He has the potential to ruin you financially as long as you're tied to him by law. Any stupid actions *he* gets caught up in can easily come back to bite *you *financially.

Also, separate your finances immediately. There is no way in hell he should be using marital property (money from joint accounts) to pay for his hookers, booze, and meth. Get an account in your name only and put your money there.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

turnera said:


> Many people are great and make you think you're getting what you expected...until they're called out on their behavior. Then the wall goes up and they just quit. I've known several people like this. Simply won't participate if you're going to scrutinize. And throughout this thing you called a relationship, he basically got to do whatever he wanted. Meth? Still there with him. Drinking? Still there. Selfishness? Still there, too. You were something that was good for him in terms of making his life comfortable; as long as you accepted him as he was, why not keep you? Once you stop, expect more, you're not worth it any more.


 That great insight Turnera! I never thought of it this way but it really touches a nerve. Once he felt that he couldn't live up to my expectations (which were minimal) then he began to rebel.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

MJJEAN said:


> If I were you, I'd handle the divorce paperwork. Addicts aren't exactly known for being ultra responsible.
> 
> And you want to get it filed ASAP to distance yourself from him legally. He's an addict who is currently using and is seeing escorts. He has the potential to ruin you financially as long as you're tied to him by law. Any stupid actions *he* gets caught up in can easily come back to bite *you *financially.
> 
> Also, separate your finances immediately. There is no way in hell he should be using marital property (money from joint accounts) to pay for his hookers, booze, and meth. Get an account in your name only and put your money there.


Pretty much, being our second marriages, we kept things separate except he put me on his joint account. I have a prenup and separate assets in which he has no access to. 

As far as I know, he didn't continue using after our Hawaii trip. He can always pick up, given his emotional state, but I understand the his drinking has continued. He usually doesn't drink and use meth. Behavior-wise...I don't see it. He is also currently seeing his counselor.

I plan on filing in January, if he hasn't followed through. When he wants to get away from someone (like me) he is very proactive!


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Ok.....I finally lost it! 

He came over, yesterday, to get his stuff. He manhandled the dresser "his dresser" on the dolly by himself. I offered help but he was angry-still the underlying anger and he said "no." Anyway, the dresser fell off the dolly, two times, in the front yard....all the while he was wrestling and cussing. 

I then reminded him, a little later, that I was expecting the money for the property taxes that he said he'd pay. I am getting the (3) insurances that will be due soon. He then stated "I decided that I was only going to pay half." 

That's when my patience demeanor changed. I am a woman of honor. He is not. 

He said he'd paid $12k for our Hawaii trip. I said the trip was for him and his d**k and meth! I said some other crude things. I proceeded to tell him what I though about his commitment to our marriage and how he couldn't even commit to his dog. I attempted to get under his skin with several of my messages. However, everything I told him was the truth. 

He then said I need to sign the divorce waiver and have it ready by Monday (we are doing out own divorce).......

I said "no way. The money need to be in our (his account) joint account in the next day or two or nothing gets done on my end. He threatened to take the appreciation in the house (it's mine). I told him that he doesn't even know what the prenup says and doesn't have a copy of it. I called his bluff and said..."good, I will just contest the divorce, get an attorney and fight for your retirement, etc (calling his bluff/prenup says that cannot happen). 

He gets bug eyed. Tell me "you will sign these papers and I will give you half of the taxes. I will be by Sunday or Monday to get the rest of my things-kayaks."

I said "nope. You don't tell me when you are going to show up at my house. I will tell you when. I will also allow you one more time to get the rest of your things. I will not release anything to you or sign anything until the property taxes are in the joint account."

He said..."I will get the cops to get my stuff.' I said "good luck with that." I then closed the garage door.

He's a coward; liar; and avoider. He won't fight this and I know it. He doesn't fight for anything.

He called soon after and said he's give me the full amount once I sign the paperwork.

I said "nope. It goes in the joint account and then I sign." I don't trust him. He was already drinking and slurring his words at that point. Coping skills!

He's quiet today. I will wait. He's has a sense of urgency to get this divorce done. He not used to playing like this. It's not a game and I will stand up for myself.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Corpuswife said:


> Ok.....I finally lost it!
> 
> He came over, yesterday, to get his stuff. He manhandled the dresser "his dresser" on the dolly by himself. I offered help but he was angry-still the underlying anger and he said "no." Anyway, the dresser fell off the dolly, two times, in the front yard....all the while he was wrestling and cussing.
> 
> ...


*I like your cognitive thinking process despite all of the recurring drama ... Except for one thing!

The account that the money he is going to deposit the money into should never be a "joint account," as a party, he is legally privy to the withdrawing any funds from it anytime that he wants ~ even seconds after having deposited it! That account should solely be in your name and in your name only!

If your lawyer is the one who gave you that "joint account advice," then you need to tell them to extract their cranium from out of their anal cavity!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

No...it was my idea. As soon as it's transferred to the joint, then I will transfer to my individual (same bank)...

I don't want a check from him...that is why it was the joint idea from me.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Corpuswife said:


> No...it was my idea. As soon as it's transferred to the joint, then I will transfer to my individual (same bank)...
> 
> I don't want a check from him...that is why it was the joint idea from me.


Good job.

Now put a recurring alarm on your phone to check that account every single 30 minutes so you can transfer the money as soon as it's deposited.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

fyi: He just transferred the money and I now have it in my individual. I knew he would as he doesn't like conflict.


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