# Turn for the worst!!!



## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

Things were going really really good with husband and I. We were working on reconsilation and he was talking about totally dropping the divorce completly. We got our phones on a family plan with him being the owner. We are just waiting on our phones to get here and then we will both cancel AT&T and just pay the fee to cancel.

Everything just turned for the worst this morning. He won't talk to me and won't talk about any future things, how to make our marriage work and open up about anyhting. Hes been like this for hours and today is his day off. I was supposed to get a tattoo with him today matching his new tattoo, but I was told last night that he wanted me to cancel it. The tattoo is a support autism as we have 3 children who are on the spectrum.

All this tunr of events have lead up because I saw on his FB wall that another girl missses him and hopes to see him soon. I asked him about her. He said he sees her once a week. I asked if she knew about me and knew that he was trying to reconsile with his wife. He said she did know about me and that he was working on his marriage with me. So after that I only got more suspios and more things went through my head. So I pryed more and found out she is single. I had messaged her and told her I was his wife and what were her intentions? She then blocked non-friends from messaging her. He says she is just a friend and he talks to her because she is easy to talk too. This made me more and more jealous. My husband also doesn't kiss me or hold my hand, he says it is too soon and the hurt is too much. That we can't just jump back in the marriage. 

With my extreme jeaousy because I don't see him, he doesn't say he loves me on a daily basis, only if I say it to him, he'll say of course I love you, no physical contact except for hugs.....I was jealous enough to get into his FB account. He now knows I got into his account and now he doesn't know what the future is.

Another reason he doesn't know what the future holds is because I was so upset last night, more upset than I have ever ever been. I receieved a message from his uncle who is almost like a father to my husband. Thsi message was not a good message to me. I had messaged his uncles wife because I was not on his uncles friend list. His uncle was very upset that I messaged his wife. I had messaged because I wanted to clear the air about everything. If I am goign to reconsile the marriage I wanted to reconsile with everyone. My parents have been a big big influence in my marraige. I was apologizing for that and saying that I could not control what my dad did in the past. You see my dad has in the past threatened my husband on the phone while my husband was with his uncle, my uncle had taken the phone from my husband and then my dad had continued to threaten and yell at his uncle. My dad has said and done other things as well though the years. There has been 11 years my husband and I have been together.

So because I got such a crushing message I was very very upset last night. My husband is taking that as a sign that I am very unstable person and I'm imature. 

I did get a better message from his uncle this morning after I had replyd to his message last nihgt...explaining more things in detail...I figured maybe more needed to be said. 

My husband does not want to hear the message...nothing is effecting him...he is so upset and won't talk to me...Today is my husbands day off and usually for the past 2 months he has been spending lots of time with me in person and texting me or talking to me on the phone.

We have our first counseling session today at 3pm. We have seen this marriage counselor before so she knows us, but she doesn't know our current situation right now, although she does know of the seperation and how it happened from my side of story. I hope she will shed some light to husband about the comment on his FB and about him spending time with a girl.

In his FB account there are other messaged from him to girls. He says they are people he grew up with and that he is just cathcing up with them. One is an old message from 2 years ago, but he told her he was legally seperated when he was not. The other message was started by him just 2 weeks ago. Both of the messages ended with phone number exchanges


----------



## myelw316 (Nov 18, 2011)

I'd like to say something here...I wish I was at this point with my husband: talking about reconciling, etc. 
One thing I have learned through my couple months of separation is that (just speaking for myself, but thought it might help you) what makes a marriage strong and makes a man love a woman is the acceptance of who he is as his own person. Please don't anyone blast me out of the water here....I am a jealous and controlling sort of person and I can tell you...this has had a GREAT negative impact on my marriage.
If he talks to another woman weekly, do I think that's good? Um, NO. But in the big scheme of things what he said is true...you are 'working towards reconciliation'. It's a process and he's got a foot in the door and maybe one still out the door...but one is in. You can NOT pull him in. You can love him and entice him and accept him and make him see you are all the woman he needs. You can evaluate your marriage stability and his loyalty and faithfulness in a year when you are stable. Right now, it's just started progressing. Don't ruin it. (don't worry...it's not ruined...just back off a lot, write to him and explain you are a work in progress and that you over reacted)
When you keep making positive moves (and every positive exchange will be noted by him....just as every negative one will be...) you build up the balance of the good and tip the scale back. You need to do that a LOT for a LONG TIME before YOU can then step back and see is he working HIS end of the deal. He is in a crisis with your relationship and you may want it more than him That is ok. He will get where you are and then maybe even MORE so and have regret or remorse...but not if you jump on him like that too soon. You have history on your side...don't worry about other women. No one else in this entire world is YOU. 
That is something I just came to see in myself today.
My husband may come back or not, but if not, he has lost someone wonderful in me....someone who has changed for the better-whether he chooses to see it or not. 
Don't look for the problems. Don't look for mistakes. Ever. Don't. I have lived that life and it is unrewarding and negative. Look for every good thing and point it out and cherish it. If it doesn't work out you were the best you that you can be. But if you are always looking for the best in your husband, you will often find it more than you ever thought. I hope for my own sake and my husband's and my 4 children that I get the chance you have. My husband has also said 'separated' 'divorcing' etc to EA in the past. And always came back. And the reason he kept having them is partly my responsibility and I absolutely refused to accept ANY blame. Ever. And so I never changed what needed to be changed in me and this time he left. This time I HAVE changed my issues and it is so hard to see that you have a chance that I wish I had and I KNOW KNOW KNOOOOOOOW how hard it is, I really do...but what matters is your time with him. Use every moment to make it happy. The good will outweigh the bad and he WILL give the other women up by choice on his own. Just ignore them until then and work the best part of you!


----------



## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

We went to our marriage counseling session. For some reason he brought up things that have already been discussed and complained about. he brought up that while he worked in Utah in 2007 I spent too much money on the kids while he was gone. He lied and said that I opened up 3 credit cards and maxed them out. I never opened any credit cards on my own since I have been with him. 

We did talk about the message from a girl on his FB account. He did mention that I went into his FB account. The counselor wondered why if he was wanting to reconsile was he seeing another girl. He didn't admit to him doing anything with her or why she would miss him. He did point out that I was having a EA. I explained in counseling what mine was. That it was a friendship from highschool. We talked about growing up and going to school and hometwon stuff. (This is a states away thing) I said I thought about my husband the whole time and talked about my husband the whole time.

After counseling my husband said it was a good session. It didn't feel like a good session to me, but maybe it brought him peace for things. 

IN counseling we did discuss how he is unable to sit next to me, go on dates with me, kiss me or think any sexual thoughts about me at all. The counselor thought that he should go on dates with me, she said how can we work on reconsilation if we don't spend any alone time together. He said that he and his counselor agreed that he would come around. Of note: its been sicne Oct 3rd that we have been talking about whether I really wanted the divorce.

I kind of thought that he should wonder if that spark is still there if he kisses me. Through all the years no matter what was happening with us, if I kissed him the spark was always there. Its a spark that has not been felt with anyone else.

Now I'm not sure if I should just stop talking to him so much. I should stop sending him good morning texts every morning that he has not been returning anymore and this was before this big blow up. He would always return them just a week ago or so.

Sometimes when he is at our home and he hugs me good bye I wonder if I should try to kiss him or if that would be too much. His hugs at home sometimes are long nad rocking. I can feel his love with those kind of hugs and I just don't want them to end. I just wonder when is he gonna decide that he does not want to leave and go to his parents house. His paretns are started to get afraid that he is going to get too comfortable there and keep things like this because it is easier. We have 3 children with autism so I am left at home to take care of them by myself. Our youngest is effected badly by this sepration and she is only gettign worse.


----------

