# In love with married man



## Blueeyes32 (Dec 19, 2021)

I am separated but still living with my husband . My husband knows I am seeing someone else and is ok with it….the guy I’m seeing has not told his wife. I made it clear to him I do not want to be that person to destroy his marriage or hurt her/his family and that we need to end this. We met online a month ago on a dating site. He was looking for an escape from his troubled marriage hoping to just find hookups and didn’t care which he admits he was wrong for and I of course was looking to date not hookup since I’m allowed to in my marriage. That did not happen. We fell in love fast with each other. Felt like we knew each other our whole lives the second we met. Instant unexplainable strong chemistry/connection that we have never felt before, We both had an instant deep connection and no not just physical…this is way deeper. We are inseparable. He has already told me he loves me, talks to me every hour ever day, makes time to see me daily etc. here is the dilemma. I told him he needs to end things with me and make it work with his wife since it is not fair to her and wrong. I told him his wife and kids come first. He feels a part of him would die if we stopped talking and he can’t imagine a life without me…mind you it’s been a month! I always thought people were crazy marrying someone after a week but now I can see why lol I told him then he needs to tell her the truth but he said he’s torn because he feels like if he divorces her he will fail his kids by not having both parents under same roof. The whole reason he went on a dating site in the first place is because he says his wife is abusive and he’s starting to see it affecting the kids hence why he’s been contemplating divorce even though that his last resort. When he told her he wants a divorce, she agreed to go to therapy to work on her abusive control issues which is for 12 weeks and then once she shows improvement on her behavior…they can attempt marriage counseling and try to connect again. I told him that won’t happen if he keeps talking to me lol hence he needs to end it with me. Here’s my issue….how do I end it with him? We are deeply in love and it’s not something you can find around the corner…do I end things with him ASAP losing what we have or continue and wait until the 12 weeks to see if he really divorces? He said he is terrified of losing me and at the same time failing his kids and fears that if his wife improves her behavior, he can’t take the next step make things work with her because he’s too in love with me. What do I do in this situation? This is not lust, infatuation or obsession…this is a deep love I can’t explain


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## GoldenR (Jan 6, 2019)

You are both guilty.

You shouldn't have been his OW. But that doesn't surprise me that you did. You don't value monogamy so why should you give a **** about the wife of a guy you want to ****.

And he's just a plain and simple cheater. Nothing special about him at all.

What do you do? If you're a good person you stop seeing him forever and tell his wife.

But you won't.


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## Blueeyes32 (Dec 19, 2021)

GoldenR said:


> You are both guilty.
> 
> You shouldn't have been his OW. But that doesn't surprise me that you did. You don't value monogamy so why should you give a *** about the wife of a guy you want to ***.
> 
> ...


I do believe in monogamy…my husband and I are not together hence the open marriage. We financially cannot divorce now and agreed in several years when we are able to, we are divorcing. We are staying cordial for the kids stability for now…..as for the guy, he admitted he was wrong since in the beginning he told me he was looking to divorce his wife so I felt we were in the same situation and went for it


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## GoldenR (Jan 6, 2019)

That's not an open marriage. That's in-house separation and allowed to see others. Which makes it worse. You believe in marriage, unless it's the marriage of someone you want to have sex with.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

_Fate_ has brought you two together, and now it is _ready_ to set ablaze, both your worlds.

I suspect that this 'intense' love will sizzle out when _Uranus_ passes beyond its present transiting _orb_ of influence.

There is no goodness to be derived from this sort of inter-personal gluttony.


If you cannot resist this pulling of your heart, apart.........

Then, you and he, both need, to divorce your partners and then resume your love affair.


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## Blueeyes32 (Dec 19, 2021)

GoldenR said:


> That's not an open marriage. That's in-house separation and allowed to see others. Which makes it worse. You believe in marriage, unless it's the marriage of someone you want to have sex with.


It’s not about the sex. I’m not having sex with the guy I’m with or my husband. My husband and I are divorcing when we are able to financially. I want the guy to make things work with his wife and end things with me but he is saying he can’t. Do I end things with him and if it’s meant to be, he will contact me later down the road once he divorced and single? Or do I continue and wait the 12 weeks to see if his wife improve or not determining if he’s going to make things right with her or not.


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## Blueeyes32 (Dec 19, 2021)

SunCMars said:


> _Fate_ has brought you two together, and now it is _ready_ to set ablaze, both your worlds.
> 
> I suspect that this 'intense' love will sizzle out when _Uranus_ passes beyond its present transiting _orb_ of influence.
> 
> ...


I am in the middle of medical school and cannot work…my husband is trying to establish his career. We cannot divorce now. The guy I’m with can divorce, he just is terrified of failing his kids but understands he needs to make a decision fast because he can’t live two separate lives.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Blueeyes32 said:


> I am in the middle of medical school and cannot work…my husband is trying to establish his career. We cannot divorce now. The guy I’m with can divorce, he just is terrified of failing his kids but understands he needs to make a decision fast because he can’t live two separate lives.


Yes, at a minimum, he must _fess up_ to his wife and divorce.

If he does divorce, and you later are able to divorce, do not rush into a marriage with this man.

This magnetism you feel with this guy will fade with time.
Um.

You need to make sure his suspenders are attached to something substantial and lasting.

Good luck...




_King Brian-_


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## Landofblue (May 28, 2019)

You broke up a marriage. You are part of an affair. That is not what being in an open relationship is about. As someone said you are not open with your husband you are separated from him. And open marriages have rules and those include not getting emotionally involved with someone else. And they especially also include not being in a relationship with someone not in an open relationship cheating on his spouse. 

Here’s how you break it off with him. You ghost him. You tell him he needs to admit to the affair to his wife. He cheated. He can’t work on the marriage until he is honest in it. 

Then You block him from all social media, chats, phone calls, apps. Everything. He doesn’t need to talk to you. He may want to, but he doesn’t need you to be available to him in any way. He’s not a good person right now and neither are you. 

Then you get yourself a therapist. One who specializes in Infidelity. And you solely work on yourself. You work hard to figure out why you thought it was ok to do such a thing. Perhaps you’ll even learn a bit about yourself and why your marriage failed. 

I wish you well.


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## Blueeyes32 (Dec 19, 2021)

SunCMars said:


> Yes, at a minimum, he must _fess up_ to his wife and divorce.
> 
> If he does divorce, and you later are able to divorce, do not rush into a marriage with this man.
> 
> ...


Thank you and yes he understands where I stand. I made it very clear I am not getting into a serious relationship now until after med school and once I’m living independently on my own. He knows if he divorces now, I won’t jump into living with him. I’d still see him if course lol kind of hard not to but u won’t move in with him since I want my independence first. Then we would date slowly and get more serious/live together but that will be 3-5 yrs from now. We talked about our honeymoon phase fading as it does in all relationships and that everyone has flaws. It’s just a matter of do we have the same viewpoints, mindset and similarities which we do. Grass is never greener unless u water it so it depends if he want to work on our relationship issues I’m sure we will have vs him staying married to his wife and working with hers.


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## Blueeyes32 (Dec 19, 2021)

Landofblue said:


> You broke up a marriage. You are part of an affair. That is not what being in an open relationship is about. As someone said you are not open with your husband you are separated from him. And open marriages have rules and those include not getting emotionally involved with someone else. And they especially also include not being in a relationship with someone not in an open relationship cheating on his spouse.
> 
> Here’s how you break it off with him. You ghost him. You tell him he needs to admit to the affair to his wife. He cheated. He can’t work on the marriage until he is honest in it.
> 
> ...


My marriage failed due to my husbands addiction that he is still getting treatment for. He acknowledges our marriage failing is his fault and he knows he failed me. We fell out of love and want to move on. Even though we will always be best friends. I have always been in self therapy and enjoy counseling as I’m always open to learning and making changes in myself to grow. What me and this guy have is something him and I did not plan. It just happened I can’t explain it. I was under the impression he was in the same boat as me. I was looking just to get to know someone slowly before dating and then once I’m independent and on my own for a while, I’d start a relationship with the guy I was going to slowly start to get to know and be friend with. Clearly that did not happen. I guess when you love someone you just know it’s so hard to explain the feeling that we have for each other. It’s very strong and no it’s not sexual.


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## Jamieboy (Jan 14, 2021)

If you end it, 12 weeks will come and go and he'll still be with his wife, he may be in the fog, but he's still retained enough presence of mind to not blow up is present life before he's got the poon tang. 

He's cake eating im afraid, he just hasn't managed to get your gooey center yet. I'm sorry, but you're deluding yourself if you think what your have with this guy is special. He ws on a dating site looking for strange, he's just working an angle. 

I hope im wrong, but there are too many red flags for this guy to be Prince charming.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Blueeyes32 said:


> I do believe in monogamy…my husband and I are not together hence the open marriage. We financially cannot divorce now and agreed in several years when we are able to, we are divorcing. We are staying cordial for the kids stability for now…..as for the guy, he admitted he was wrong since in the beginning he told me he was looking to divorce his wife so I felt we were in the same situation and went for it


He lead with a very big lie. Get rid of him. 
He was right on one point - he was just looking for some extra outside his marriage - he never intended to divorce. 

End it. He’s married. IF you date someone again - look up public records before becoming involved to verify they are actually divorced! You’d be shocked how many married men pretend to be single on dating sites. I’d say 80% of dates I have been on in the past ten years the men are actually very much married pretending to be single. I never kiss or bed any man until I can verify there are actually single and available.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Blueeyes32 said:


> Thank you and yes he understands where I stand. I made it very clear I am not getting into a serious relationship now until after med school and once I’m living independently on my own. He knows if he divorces now, I won’t jump into living with him. I’d still see him if course lol kind of hard not to but u won’t move in with him since I want my independence first. Then we would date slowly and get more serious/live together but that will be 3-5 yrs from now. We talked about our honeymoon phase fading as it does in all relationships and that everyone has flaws. It’s just a matter of do we have the same viewpoints, mindset and similarities which we do. Grass is never greener unless u water it so it depends if he want to work on our relationship issues I’m sure we will have vs him staying married to his wife and working with hers.


Why are you talking this way? He’s married and he isn’t leaving his wife!


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

> Here’s my issue….how do I end it with him? We are deeply in love and it’s not something you can find around the corner…do I end things with him ASAP losing what we have or continue and wait until the 12 weeks to see if he really divorces? He said he is terrified of losing me and at the same time failing his kids and fears that if his wife improves her behavior, he can’t take the next step make things work with her because he’s too in love with me. What do I do in this situation? This is not lust, infatuation or obsession…this is a deep love I can’t explain


You cannot possibly know true love in one month. I’m sorry but no. Limerence, yes. That’s what you have. 

The idea that you want this man to leave his wife and kids to take up with you is pretty gross. The idea that you’d even entertain dating such a piece of trash says a lot about you. But it’s his wife’s fault he is a liar and sneaking around behind her back and you actually believe that? I’m sure she’d appreciate the clue that she’s allowed to date around too but he doesn’t let her in on that secret. Why is that?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Blueeyes32 said:


> It’s not about the sex. I’m not having sex with the guy I’m with or my husband. My husband and I are divorcing when we are able to financially. I want the guy to make things work with his wife and end things with me but he is saying he can’t. Do I end things with him and if it’s meant to be, he will contact me later down the road once he divorced and single? Or do I continue and wait the 12 weeks to see if his wife improve or not determining if he’s going to make things right with her or not.


You end it with him of course. He is a married man therefore not free to be with anyone else. The things he has said about his wife and marriage are probably greatly exaggerated or just plain lies, either way he is married with children and therefore you need to cut off all contact. If he was going to divorce her he would have done. No he just wants to cheat on her behind her back. N
You too are still married. Wait till you are divorced and free to date again.

Have you actually met him?

Is this really the sort of man you want? One who was on a dating site looking for casual hook ups while married with children?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Blueeyes32 said:


> It’s not about the sex. I’m not having sex with the guy I’m with or my husband. My husband and I are divorcing when we are able to financially. I want the guy to make things work with his wife and end things with me but he is saying he can’t. Do I end things with him and if it’s meant to be, he will contact me later down the road once he divorced and single? Or do I continue and wait the 12 weeks to see if his wife improve or not determining if he’s going to make things right with her or not.


Geez, more of this “soulmate” nonsense.

There is one and only one person with whom you are “meant to be”, and that person is YOU.

End things with this guy. Why would you want to be with someone that doesn’t respect marriage? If he’ll cheat on his wife, he’ll cheat on you.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Blueeyes32 said:


> I am separated but still living with my husband . My husband knows I am seeing someone else and is ok with it….the guy I’m seeing has not told his wife. I made it clear to him I do not want to be that person to destroy his marriage or hurt her/his family and that we need to end this. We met online a month ago on a dating site. He was looking for an escape from his troubled marriage hoping to just find hookups and didn’t care which he admits he was wrong for and I of course was looking to date not hookup since I’m allowed to in my marriage. That did not happen. We fell in love fast with each other. Felt like we knew each other our whole lives the second we met. Instant unexplainable strong chemistry/connection that we have never felt before, We both had an instant deep connection and no not just physical…this is way deeper. We are inseparable. He has already told me he loves me, talks to me every hour ever day, makes time to see me daily etc. here is the dilemma. I told him he needs to end things with me and make it work with his wife since it is not fair to her and wrong. I told him his wife and kids come first. He feels a part of him would die if we stopped talking and he can’t imagine a life without me…mind you it’s been a month! I always thought people were crazy marrying someone after a week but now I can see why lol I told him then he needs to tell her the truth but he said he’s torn because he feels like if he divorces her he will fail his kids by not having both parents under same roof. The whole reason he went on a dating site in the first place is because he says his wife is abusive and he’s starting to see it affecting the kids hence why he’s been contemplating divorce even though that his last resort. When he told her he wants a divorce, she agreed to go to therapy to work on her abusive control issues which is for 12 weeks and then once she shows improvement on her behavior…they can attempt marriage counseling and try to connect again. I told him that won’t happen if he keeps talking to me lol hence he needs to end it with me. Here’s my issue….how do I end it with him? We are deeply in love and it’s not something you can find around the corner…do I end things with him ASAP losing what we have or continue and wait until the 12 weeks to see if he really divorces? He said he is terrified of losing me and at the same time failing his kids and fears that if his wife improves her behavior, he can’t take the next step make things work with her because he’s too in love with me. What do I do in this situation? This is not lust, infatuation or obsession…this is a deep love I can’t explain


@Blueeyes32, you may be in a polymorous relationship, but that only gives you permission to sleep with other polymorous individuals.
It does not give you permission to have an affair with the husband of a wife who is not polymorous.
You are having an affair with a married man.
Since he belongs to somebody else, the ethical thing to do is stop seeing him and telling his wife so she can have the agency to decide if she wants to stay married to an unfaithful husband.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

I’ll say only one thing, true victims of abusive spouses wouldn’t DARE see other people.


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## rugswept (May 8, 2019)

" I made it clear to him I do not want to be that person to destroy his marriage or hurt her/his family and that we need to end this."
That ship, my dear, sailed far far away some time ago. 

You're a straight up cheater story, through and through, living in a world of roses where the unicorns roam and they are farting diamonds. ENJOY.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

It’s been a month and you are deeply in love? 
That’s nonsense. You know it.
Stop stealing another woman’s husband.
You act like it’s up to him to end it. It’s only up to you. He’s not going to end it - he’s getting two helpings of what he wants.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Blueeyes32 said:


> My marriage failed due to my husbands addiction that he is still getting treatment for. He acknowledges our marriage failing is his fault and he knows he failed me. We fell out of love and want to move on. Even though we will always be best friends. I have always been in self therapy and enjoy counseling as I’m always open to learning and making changes in myself to grow. What me and this guy have is something him and I did not plan. It just happened I can’t explain it. I was under the impression he was in the same boat as me. I was looking just to get to know someone slowly before dating and then once I’m independent and on my own for a while, I’d start a relationship with the guy I was going to slowly start to get to know and be friend with. Clearly that did not happen. I guess when you love someone you just know it’s so hard to explain the feeling that we have for each other. It’s very strong and no it’s not sexual.


It didn't 'just happen' to be fair. You both went into dating sites, that's how it happened. Both married but both on dating sites. 
You could at least get a legal separation surely? Are you still living with your husband? 

My advise is to see this man fir who he is. A married man with children on dating sites looking for casual hookups. Where are his moral values? Where is his integrity? He has none.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

you have not had sex with this guy yet?
odd, as that is almost certainly why he had a profile on dating app sites!

i am wondering if what you call "love" is just chemical/hormonal reaction of your body when you finally found someone interesting to talk with. The danger, of course, is you two DO hook up, have some wild sex for a month or two, then you notice you really are not in love at all....and in the process you have destroyed this guy's family.

definitely go SLOW! see if you still "love" each other a month or two from now. If you do at that point, sure go ahead. but until then, i would keep the sex option on the shelf. An EA is much easier for him to reconcile with than a PA.


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## Chaotic_Aquarian (Feb 8, 2021)

OP, this man is so full of bull feces-he's using you. The garbage he's feeding you sounds like a typical Lifetime movie. You're a med student for crying out loud surely you're smarter than this???


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Blueeyes32 said:


> I am in the middle of medical school and cannot work…my husband is trying to establish his career. We cannot divorce now. The guy I’m with can divorce, he just is terrified of failing his kids but understands he needs to make a decision fast because he can’t live two separate lives.


How far long are you in your medical school program?

How old are you and your affair partner?

You met him online a month ago? He told you that his wife is abusive and it's hurting his children. So, his solution to "help his children" is to go to a dating site and date/hook-up with other women? Really? You are buying this lame excuse? Keep in mind that what he is doing to his wife is what he will do to you if you end up staying with him. Every man (and woman) who cheats on their spouse lies to their affair partner. Very few men divorce their wife for their affair partner. Most men dump their AP when their wife finds out about the affair because all they are looking for is a piece on the side. Only about 3% of affairs end up in long-term relationships. If this guy truly had an abusive wife and it was truly hurting his children, he would be seeing a counselor, having the children in counseling, and hiring an attorney to help you protect his children from their supposedly abusive mother. It would take him at least 1 to 2 years to go through the entire divorce, custody, etc. process. It would cost him thousands upon thousands of dollars. That's were his focus needs to be.

I know of what I speak as I was married to an abusive man whose actions were hurting not only me but our son as well. The entire divorce/custody process took a few years. I sure as hell did not have the time or energy to date while going through all of that.

Now to address your feelings of being in-love with this guy. You are not "in-love". You are caught up in the initial infatuation phase of a relationship. True love only comes after a couple has been together at least 18-24 months.

"Falling in love" has a very specific pattern that you are caught up in. When a couple first meets and 'falls in love', it's because it causes the body to produce and uptake feel-good hormones like dopamine and oxytocin. Oxytocin is sometimes referred to as the amnesia hormone because it makes a person who is high on it overlook/forget all that's wrong with their partner and their relationship. Basically, that lightheaded, in-love high is very similar to a drug high and it feels so good. That initial in-love high usually ends at between 18 to 24 months of being together. Once your body stops over producing and up taking the feel-good hormones, you will see your partner for who he really is. He's not a good person and is cheating on his wife and has zero regard for the wellbeing of his children.

An example of the amnesia effect of oxytocin is childbirth. When a woman gives birth, her brain is awash in oxytocin. The hormone will help her bond to her child. It will also help her forget the level of pain that is cause by childbirth. If not for the oxytocin high and amnesia there would be no second children. The pain of childbirth is horrible, but women don't really have a realistic memory of it because of the oxytocin high that they experience in childbirth.

The purpose of oxytocin, dopamine and other feel good and bonding hormones during the initial part of a relationship is to keep you two high enough, long enough to breed, have a child and for the guy to hang around long enough to get the woman through a pregnancy, childbirth, and the first few months of rearing her child.... 18 - 24 months. This worked out well in cave man days but does not work very well in modern society. 

Basically, you have complete control over this in-love high you have right now. The cure is to just stop seeing this guy. Don't talk to him, don't see him, don't take his phone calls or texts (block him). You will find that after a few weeks, after teh feel-good hormones no longer control you, that you will wonder what on earth you saw in a guy who was online looking for women to cheat with.

Love yourself first. Take care of yourself first. A man who truly loves you would not want you caught up in a mess like this.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Blueeyes32 said:


> I am separated but still living with my husband . My husband knows I am seeing someone else and is ok with it….the guy I’m seeing has not told his wife. I made it clear to him I do not want to be that person to destroy his marriage or hurt her/his family and that we need to end this. We met online a month ago on a dating site. He was looking for an escape from his troubled marriage hoping to just find hookups and didn’t care which he admits he was wrong for and I of course was looking to date not hookup since I’m allowed to in my marriage. That did not happen. We fell in love fast with each other. Felt like we knew each other our whole lives the second we met. Instant unexplainable strong chemistry/connection that we have never felt before, We both had an instant deep connection and no not just physical…this is way deeper. We are inseparable. He has already told me he loves me, talks to me every hour ever day, makes time to see me daily etc. here is the dilemma. I told him he needs to end things with me and make it work with his wife since it is not fair to her and wrong. I told him his wife and kids come first. He feels a part of him would die if we stopped talking and he can’t imagine a life without me…mind you it’s been a month! I always thought people were crazy marrying someone after a week but now I can see why lol I told him then he needs to tell her the truth but he said he’s torn because he feels like if he divorces her he will fail his kids by not having both parents under same roof. The whole reason he went on a dating site in the first place is because he says his wife is abusive and he’s starting to see it affecting the kids hence why he’s been contemplating divorce even though that his last resort. When he told her he wants a divorce, she agreed to go to therapy to work on her abusive control issues which is for 12 weeks and then once she shows improvement on her behavior…they can attempt marriage counseling and try to connect again. I told him that won’t happen if he keeps talking to me lol hence he needs to end it with me. Here’s my issue….how do I end it with him? We are deeply in love and it’s not something you can find around the corner…do I end things with him ASAP losing what we have or continue and wait until the 12 weeks to see if he really divorces? He said he is terrified of losing me and at the same time failing his kids and fears that if his wife improves her behavior, he can’t take the next step make things work with her because he’s too in love with me. What do I do in this situation? This is not lust, infatuation or obsession…this is a deep love I can’t explain


So you could only find a man who was already taken? A married guy surfing the web looking for strange? Most likely not very critical of whoever is wiling to lay under him. 

Just remember that if you continue with your AP both of you are getting a lying cheater for a companion. If you marry one another, just remember if a person cheated with you they will surely cheat on you. Your "soulmate" has most likely used the same line of BS on others before you about how bad his wife is. Are the two of you using protection? I very much doubt it since you are so in love with one another. That is just the normal line for men who want their cake and eat it too. But, go ahead and continue your little affair. Your reward will arrive soon enough.


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## Blueeyes32 (Dec 19, 2021)

QuietRiot said:


> You cannot possibly know true love in one month. I’m sorry but no. Limerence, yes. That’s what you have.
> 
> The idea that you want this man to leave his wife and kids to take up with you is pretty gross. The idea that you’d even entertain dating such a piece of trash says a lot about you. But it’s his wife’s fault he is a liar and sneaking around behind her back and you actually believe that? I’m sure she’d appreciate the clue that she’s allowed to date around too but he doesn’t let her in on that secret. Why is that?


Actually opposite. I want him to end things with me and make things right with his wife. I said if he does not then I’m ending it and was asking how and if when I should. After he told me he loves me, he went home to tell his wife he wants a divorce and even threw in the option of separating/open marriage. He said she didn’t say not to any of them, she just wants to get help first and see if they can get their marriage back in track. That’s when I said ok see we need to end things and give her a chance to make marriage work since she is getting help she needs and wanting to save the marriage.


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

Don't be a home wrecker.! Just ghost him. It's all the courtesy he deserves.


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## Willnotbill (May 13, 2021)

Deleted original comment - I misunderstood what the OP was asking. 

If she wants to stop talking or seeing the OM that should be easy. Don't answer his calls or texts. Cut off all communication immediately.


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## Blueeyes32 (Dec 19, 2021)

EleGirl said:


> How far long are you in your medical school program?
> 
> How old are you and your affair partner?
> 
> ...


I graduate fall 2024, I’m 33 and he’s 40. He contemplated ending things now and then in 12 weeks let me know if she’s better because he doesn’t want to hurt anyone or play anyone. We have talked about many options on what to do in a situation like this because we were not planning on this to happen. He was not looking for an emotional affair or connection. He was tired of being controlled by his wife and made stupid choice to look for an escape hookup. He regrets it but doesn’t regret meeting me. He wants to give his wife chance to work on the marriage when her therapy is over but is terrified he’s too in love with me to end things and won’t want to give his wife a chance when she’s done. That’s when I said see we need to end things now because that’s not fair to her at all.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Med student...i assume that is at a university somewhere. there are not other guys to date there? Seems like you could pretty easily pick up a non-attached man to tide you over until your love for this married guy wanes.

and if it does not wane....he divorces his wife...in five months or so it will be less troublesome for you two to start dating physically as well as online


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

what is going to happen when you do a residency somewhere, as the final part of being a med student, and you have to travel far away to the new location? Is he coming along? is it going to be a long distance relationship? 
residency is not easy, you will not have that much time for extraneous b.s.


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## Blueeyes32 (Dec 19, 2021)

Rus47 said:


> So you could only find a man who was already taken? A married guy surfing the web looking for strange? Most likely not very critical of whoever is wiling to lay under him.
> 
> Just remember that if you continue with your AP both of you are getting a lying cheater for a companion. If you marry one another, just remember if a person cheated with you they will surely cheat on you. Your "soulmate" has most likely used the same line of BS on others before you about how bad his wife is. Are the two of you using protection? I very much doubt it since you are so in love with one another. That is just the normal line for men who want their cake and eat it too. But, go ahead and continue your little affair. Your reward will arrive soon enough.


We are not having sex, he talks highly of his wife and sees like a good person but says the only issue they ever had was her controlling him. He’s not allowed to have friends yet she does. If he relaxes on his day off she hands him a todo list and fights with him if he won’t follow it even though he has said he needs to relax since it’s his only day off. She expect him to do way too much and he backs down to keep the peace but it tired of it. He’s hoping she changes so he can make things right with her which will be after her therapy since divorce was not something he wanted. But once seeing how her issues are effecting the kids he’s putting his foot down to not be miserable anymore and she either works on her control issues or he’s divorcing hence he doesn’t want to let me go since he doesn’t know the outcome after her 12 wk therapy


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## Blueeyes32 (Dec 19, 2021)

Talker67 said:


> Med student...i assume that is at a university somewhere. there are not other guys to date there? Seems like you could pretty easily pick up a non-attached man to tide you over until your love for this married guy wanes.
> 
> and if it does not wane....he divorces his wife...in five months or so it will be less troublesome for you two to start dating physically as well as online


Sure and I wasn’t looking for serious relationship now since I want to first be Independent and live on my own. I was looking to get to know one guy over the next 3 years and see if that turns into anything deeper. This situation was not expected. I can’t explain the way we feel for each higher but I guess when u know you know.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

So end it. Why are you giving him the responsibility? Face it, if he does divorce what is in it for him? You'll still be living with your husband and then want to live independently. While he will be alone and footing the bills for two households. Are you hoping he will take on the financial responsibility for yourself as well? How are you and addict husband supporting yourselves now?

One month - jeebus. Sounds like two sixteen year olds.


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## Blueeyes32 (Dec 19, 2021)

Talker67 said:


> what is going to happen when you do a residency somewhere, as the final part of being a med student, and you have to travel far away to the new location? Is he coming along? is it going to be a long distance relationship?
> residency is not easy, you will not have that much time for extraneous b.s.


I don’t have time for bs now lol med school time consuming and tough. My residency is here since we have to do it at the school clinic. I was asking advice on here in how to end it with him or wait the 12 wks. But I’m leaning more towards ending it now because even if it’s meant to be, I feel when those 12 wks hit and he makes his decision, he knows where to find me but I would need proof of divorce in process or proof he’s separated and moving out. I told him I don’t want to go behind his wife’s back and he shouldn’t either and needs to give her that chance. He’s stuck in the fork in the road righ not contemplating if he’s going to proceed with her after her therapy or end things and be with me.


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## Landofblue (May 28, 2019)

You are not listening to what I and others are telling you. You asked a specific question and we are giving you a specific answer. You block him on all communications. You ghost him. You stay away from him. You never contact him again and you let him work things through with his wife whom he vowed to love honor cherish and protect. He never gave you those vows. 

You obviously don’t want this answer. Of course, it is painful to you. 

But it is the right one. I urge you to take this step today.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Med student? How does medicine effect the body? Or affect it? U know, u just no. I’m not one to pick up spelling and grammar, accept when it’s written by a med student. 🤷🏻‍♀️

It’s effecting the kids, as you put it. He speaks highly of her, but she was abusive. Which is it?


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## Blueeyes32 (Dec 19, 2021)

Blondilocks said:


> So end it. Why are you giving him the responsibility? Face it, if he does divorce what is in it for him? You'll still be living with your husband and then want to live independently. While he will be alone and footing the bills for two households. Are you hoping he will take on the financial responsibility for yourself as well? How are you and addict husband supporting yourselves now?
> 
> One month - jeebus. Sounds like two sixteen year olds.


I know one month is crazy. He even joked how he makes fun of love movies where the dude runs after the girl crying not wanting to lose her after knowing her a week..he now knows how that feels. Like all this is mind blowing to us since we were not expecting this. I can’t explain how deep are connection is. We just can’t be apart we are inseparable. Nothing is sexual. We talk every hour of the day all day about everything like two peas in a pod. He closed down his office on my bday just to spend time with me and sent his staff home and no it wasn’t for sex since we agreed to not have sex until we know what to do. We Laugh all the time, tell stories and talk about every topic. We have kissed and did have sex once in the very beginning (before we agreed not to.) My husbands family is helping us until we get on our feet. I will financially support myself after graduation so no I won’t live off this guy or any guy.


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## Blueeyes32 (Dec 19, 2021)

Luckylucky said:


> Med student? How does medicine effect the body? Or affect it? U know, u just no. I’m not one to pick up spelling and grammar, accept when it’s written by a med student. 🤷🏻‍♀️
> 
> It’s effecting the kids, as you put it. He speaks highly of her, but she was abusive. Which is it?


Lol I’m talking on here like how I text but of course in school I wouldn’t talk this way in a research paper. I talk to students in my cohort outside school and use more slang than me haha just because we are future doctors doesn’t mean we can’t be ourselves in our personal life lol. As for his wife it’s both, overall she’s a good person she just has controlling emotional/verbal abusive behavior which he thinks is due to her insecurities from childhood needing to control. She admitted it and is getting help for it hence I told him to give her a chance. I was asking how to end things with him which I’m leaning more towards on ending it ASAP and not waiting 12 weeks because if it’s meant to be he knows where to find me and if they don’t work out in the end I would just need proof he’s single lol and get to know him the proper way since I’m not wanting a relationship until after I’m on my own and graduate med school anyway


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Blueeyes32 said:


> Lol I’m talking on here like how I text but of course in school I wouldn’t talk this way in a research paper. I talk to students in my cohort outside school and use more slang than me haha just because we are future doctors doesn’t mean we can’t be ourselves in our personal life lol. As for his wife it’s both, overall she’s a good person she just has controlling emotional/verbal abusive behavior which he thinks is due to her insecurities from childhood needing to control. She admitted it and is getting help for it hence I told him to give her a chance. I was asking how to end things with him which I’m leaning more towards on ending it ASAP and not waiting 12 weeks because if it’s meant to be he knows where to find me and if they don’t work out in the end I would just need proof he’s single lol and get to know him the proper way since I’m not wanting a relationship until after I’m on my own and graduate med school anyway


You wouldn’t ‘talk’ in a research paper though, would you… you’d ‘write’. And to get the grades for med school… you’d know when to write affecting instead of effecting. Even online. But especially in a research paper. 

Sounds like mush here, so I’ll move on.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Blueeyes32 said:


> I am in the middle of medical school and cannot work…my husband is trying to establish his career. We cannot divorce now. The guy I’m with can divorce, he just is terrified of failing his kids but understands he needs to make a decision fast because he can’t live two separate lives.


You’re in medical school and yet you were trolling a hook up site? Do you hear yourself? This POS, oops, I meant married father that’s stuck in a loveless marriage to a controlling wife is only looking for easy sex on the side. He is not going to leave his wife and become a part time father to be with you. He’s using the excuse of staying for the kids to string you along and convince you that he’s a decent guy who wants to do the right thing. The truth is that he’s a sleazy guy looking to for sex from strange women. He’s willing to put the health of the mother of his kids at risk so he can get some strange.

How long have you been married and how many kids do you have? How is your family life? Do you have any good times together? What really caused your marriage to sink to this low that you’re pulling out all the stops to convince yourself that you love a married stranger and are wishing for him to leave his family? As a woman, how could you want to steal another woman’s husband? As a mother, how could you want to break up someone’s family.

I also agree with the others that this is not an open marriage. An open marriage does not include loving others. You’re desperately looking to leave your husband. All this talk of we can’t divorce is all complete BS. If you found a sucker willing to wife you up, you would leave now and not give a second thought to your husband’s financial situation or your kids desires.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

33 and 40 and still the emotional development of 1st graders.

This isn't difficult for adults so I suggest you both grow up and start acting your age.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Blueeyes32 said:


> the guy I’m seeing has not told his wife.





Blueeyes32 said:


> After he told me he loves me, he went home to tell his wife he wants a divorce and even threw in the option of separating/open marriage. He said she didn’t say not to any of them,


So, it has been approximately 7 hours between those two posts. Explanation?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Blueeyes32 said:


> Lol I’m talking on here like how I text but of course in school I wouldn’t talk this way in a research paper. I talk to students in my cohort outside school and use more slang than me haha just because we are future doctors doesn’t mean we can’t be ourselves in our personal life lol. As for his wife it’s both, overall she’s a good person she just has controlling emotional/verbal abusive behavior which he thinks is due to her insecurities from childhood needing to control. She admitted it and is getting help for it hence I told him to give her a chance. I was asking how to end things with him which I’m leaning more towards on ending it ASAP and not waiting 12 weeks because if it’s meant to be he knows where to find me and if they don’t work out in the end I would just need proof he’s single lol and get to know him the proper way since I’m not wanting a relationship until after I’m on my own and graduate med school anyway


You say that his wife is a good person overall, do you know his wife personally or is that assessment of her based on what he's told you?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Ahh so you have had sex already plus he spends all day communicating with you so how can he possibly put the effort into his marriage that is needed? 

You don't wait for him to end it, you do. It mad for either of you to think that anything can be achieved in 12 weeks. 
He needs to also put the effort into his marriage. They need some long term MC. 
He never made the decision to end it before you met, if he does leave his family, you are largely responsible. 
If you can live with the wrecking of young children's lives then go ahead. I think it's a disgusting thing to do. 

Cut off all contact for good, this man isnt yours to have. He cheats, lies and deceives.


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## Blueeyes32 (Dec 19, 2021)

jsmart said:


> You’re in medical school and yet you were trolling a hook up site? Do you hear yourself? This POS, oops, I meant married father that’s stuck in a loveless marriage to a controlling wife is only looking for easy sex on the side. He is not going to leave his wife and become a part time father to be with you. He’s using the excuse of staying for the kids to string you along and convince you that he’s a decent guy who wants to do the right thing. The truth is that he’s a sleazy guy looking to for sex from strange women. He’s willing to put the health of the mother of his kids at risk so he can get some strange.
> 
> How long have you been married and how many kids do you have? How is your family life? Do you have any good times together? What really caused your marriage to sink to this low that you’re pulling out all the stops to convince yourself that you love a married stranger and are wishing for him to leave his family? As a woman, how could you want to steal another woman’s husband? As a mother, how could you want to break up someone’s family.
> 
> I also agree with the others that this is not an open marriage. An open marriage does not include loving others. You’re desperately looking to leave your husband. All this talk of we can’t divorce is all complete BS. If you found a sucker willing to wife you up, you would leave now and not give a second thought to your husband’s financial situation or your kids desires.


False. It was a relationship site and I was looking to get to know a guy slowly over time not hook up. He is not using me for sex since we don’t have sex lol he can easily I’m sure go get it elsewhere but he doesn’t lol we talk all day every day. We are inseparable. He closed his office down and sent staff home to spend time on my bday and no not for sex since we agreed we wouldn’t have sex until later on if he’s divorced. I’ve been with my husband the same time he’s been with his wife….20 years. In my situation, my husband had struggled with addiction and we agreed to end things because he feels his addiction has pained me too much to make things work with me which I agree with lol so we are living cordial with each other until I finish school and live on my own. It would not make any send to move out right now when my husband and I don’t have our careers set since that will be a heck of a financial struggle we both down want for ourselves or the kids and yes we have 3.I don’t want him to leave me for her lol in fact I told him to end things with me to go make things right with her. He is refusing to hence why I went on here to ask advice on what to do. This is not lust or infatuation and no it’s not for sex like a typical cheater/affair lol I’m telling you this is some deep stuff. I can’t explain it


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## Blueeyes32 (Dec 19, 2021)

EleGirl said:


> You say that his wife is a good person overall, do you know his wife personally or is that assessment of her based on what he's told you?


I’m going by what he told me of course lol he tells me the good things about her and the only issues with them is her control that’s it.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Blueeyes32 said:


> My marriage failed due to my husbands addiction that he is still getting treatment for. He acknowledges our marriage failing is his fault and he knows he failed me. We fell out of love and want to move on. Even though we will always be best friends. I have always been in self therapy and enjoy counseling as I’m always open to learning and making changes in myself to grow. What me and this guy have is something him and I did not plan. It just happened I can’t explain it. I was under the impression he was in the same boat as me. I was looking just to get to know someone slowly before dating and then once I’m independent and on my own for a while, I’d start a relationship with the guy I was going to slowly start to get to know and be friend with. Clearly that did not happen. I guess when you love someone you just know it’s so hard to explain the feeling that we have for each other. It’s very strong and no it’s not sexual.


You are talking in a million circles, twisting reality into what you want it to be in your wired of rainbows and unicorn farts.
“Something him and I did not plan”….. hmmm.
You and he were on a dating site/— you both planned that. You and he dated. You didn’t plan those dates? You say he makes time for you every day. He makes time—- planning.
Yeah…. You both planned all this. 
Oh, you say “he was just looking for hookups”…. A married man with kids that’s online looking for hookups and this is the guy you believe to be your soulmate?

You think his wife is abusive and he wants to divorce her? What could be more abusive than having a slime ball husband should ****s around on you with online chicks who are married also and only are staying in their marriage for financial reasons, and then pretends he’s “working on things” with her by having HER go to counseling for 12 months while he dates another woman?

“I told him he needs to end things with me and make it work with his wife since it is not fair to her and wrong. I told him his wife and kids come first. He feels a part of him would die if we stopped talking and he can’t imagine a life without me”

Well aren’t you sweet? You see him every day, but tell him you want him to end things with you…. Lol. Ok whatever.
you tell him his wife snd kids come first…. Uh, a MAN doesn’t need to be told that ****, and a MAN isn’t chasing tail online behind his wife’s back and pretending to work in things with her while seeing his dude chick he “loves” every day.

You’re in medical school? I have huge trouble believing a person intelligent enough to get into med school, is this oblivious to reality and willing to overlook the obvious HUGE character issues this guy has, but I suppose since you are willing to date a man that is married and whose wife believes is trying to work things out with her, you’re good at spinning a lot of stuff in your own mind.

I suppose my advice is this: Stop pretending with yourself that your affair partner is a great guy who actually has feelings for you (or you him), and stop dating anyone who is married or dating period until you are actually divorced and out of Med school.

What you are doing is wrong, cruel, shameful, and sad on multiple levels.


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## Blueeyes32 (Dec 19, 2021)

ConanHub said:


> 33 and 40 and still the emotional development of 1st graders.
> 
> This isn't difficult for adults so I suggest you both grow up and start acting your age.


Love can happen at any age lol and yes I’m sure being in love makes you feel young again


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## Blueeyes32 (Dec 19, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> You are talking in a million circles, twisting reality into what you want it to be in your wired of rainbows and unicorn farts.
> “Something him and I did not plan”….. hmmm.
> You and he were on a dating site/— you both planned that. You and he dated. You didn’t plan those dates? You say he makes time for you every day. He makes time—- planning.
> Yeah…. You both planned all this.
> ...


This is not a sexual affair. We don’t have sex and he knows I won’t unless he were single because your right, I don’t want to go behind his wife’s back. Hence I told him to go make things right with her. Being a doctor has nothing to do with my personal life lol he’s a dentist…literally personal and work don’t mix lol I’ve worked for doctors who went to strip clubs behind their wives back. Profession has nothing to do with personal. We are all human regardless of our career status. I understand how everyone thinks this is a typical sexual affair but it’s not. This is something deeper that we both don’t want to lose since we are inseparable. He admitted he was wrong and stupid and felt trapped hence he went online looking for an outlet he knows he was wrong.


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## Blueeyes32 (Dec 19, 2021)

He has not told his wife about me. He only told her about divorce


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Blueeyes32 said:


> I graduate fall 2024, I’m 33 and he’s 40. He contemplated ending things now and then in 12 weeks let me know if she’s better because *he doesn’t want to hurt anyone or play anyone*. do you actually believe that bs??? He was on a dating site and admits to looking for hookups???We have talked about many options on what to do in a situation like this because we were not planning on this to happen. He was not looking for an emotional affair or connection. He was tired of being controlled by his wife and made stupid choice to look for an escape hookup. He regrets it but doesn’t regret meeting me. He wants to give his wife chance to work on the marriage when her therapy is over but is terrified he’s too in love with me to end things and won’t want to give his wife a chance when she’s done. That’s when I said see we need to end things now because that’s not fair to her at all.


so just end it for Pete’s sake. Is it not obvious he has zero feelings for his wife?
you think he loves you and you’re 33? You sound as naive as a 13 year old.
This guy doesn’t love anyone that I can see. Exactly how much love does he have for his kids? If you two are “inseparable”, exactly where is the time he’s spending with them? His kids are hardly even an afterthought for him.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Blueeyes32 said:


> This is not a sexual affair. We don’t have sex and he knows I won’t unless he were single because your right, I don’t want to go behind his wife’s back. Hence I told him to go make things right with her. Being a doctor has nothing to do with my personal life lol he’s a dentist…literally personal and work don’t mix lol I’ve worked for doctors who went to strip clubs behind their wives back. Profession has nothing to do with personal. We are all human regardless of our career status. I understand how everyone thinks this is a typical sexual affair but it’s not. This is something deeper that we both don’t want to lose since we are inseparable. He admitted he was wrong and stupid and felt trapped hence he went online looking for an outlet he knows he was wrong.


what difference does it make if it’s sexual or not? Where are you coming up with that? He says he loves you!!!!


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## Blueeyes32 (Dec 19, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> so just end it for Pete’s sake. Is it not obvious he has zero feelings for his wife?
> you think he loves you and you’re 33? You sound as naive as a 13 year old.
> This guy doesn’t love anyone that I can see. Exactly how much love does he have for his kids? If you two are “inseparable”, exactly where is the time he’s spending with them? His kids are hardly even an afterthought for him.


After work, he goes home and is with his kids and yes he face-times me so I know he’s not lying lol. He’s with his kids all the time. He lost feeling with his wife overtime of her controlling him. He knows he should give her a chance to rekindle their relationship but he feels he’s done and doesn’t want to


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## Blueeyes32 (Dec 19, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> what difference does it make if it’s sexual or not? Where are you coming up with that? He says he loves you!!!!


Everyone on here going about this as some sexual affair like he’s some bad guy trying to play me and his wife…..no that’s not what’s going on lol.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Blueeyes32 said:


> Love can happen at any age lol and yes I’m sure being in love makes you feel young again


Oh, it's not like you are talking to another child. I know what love is and isn't.

Like I said, grow up.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Blueeyes32 said:


> Everyone on here going about this as some sexual affair like he’s some bad guy trying to play me and his wife…..no that’s not what’s going on lol.


If you two have not had sex yet, it's what's called an emotional affair. They can actually be more destructive to a marriage than a purely sexual affair. Many affairs are only about getting sex, especially for men. Many men have no problem separating sex from emotions. But an emotional affair will usually destroy any feelings one has for their spouse.

If this guy is 40, you've two have not had sex, and he's professing deep love for you after one month he is either immature for a man that age or he's leading you on until he has sex with you. Then he will dump you. I've seen this play out so many times.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@Blueeyes32

You say that you finish medical school in 2024. Are you doing your internship now? Or is that your residency that ends in 2024? Just asking to get more of an understanding of your situation.


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## Blueeyes32 (Dec 19, 2021)

EleGirl said:


> If you two have not had sex yet, it's what's called an emotional affair. They can actually be more destructive to a marriage than a purely sexual affair. Many affairs are only about getting sex, especially for men. Many men have no problem separating sex from emotions. But an emotional affair will usually destroy any feelings one has for their spouse.
> 
> If this guy is 40, you've two have not had sex, and he's professing deep love for you after one month he is either immature for a man that age or he's leading you on until he has sex with you. Then he will dump you. I've seen this play out so many times.


We had sex once in the beginning we both regret. Hence we agreed we won’t until he’s single if that’s the case, if not he needs to give his wife a chance and stop talking with me. I’m sure his emotions have been destroyed from his wife hence it’s prob easier to open up with me


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

XH was obssessed with a college friend of his. You should see the bologne he texted her. Almost every single comment about me and our marriage was a lie. I didn't want to have sex with him (he frequently turned me down and I never turned him down). I yelled at him (he liked to get in my face, trap me against the wall and scream in my face). I was controlling (because I didn't want him sending single women flirty messages on fb). Cheater. Lie. It's what they do. Surely as a med student you are familiar with people who have an agenda like drug seeking lying to get what they want? What is it that is making you buy into his line of bull so completely? What do your friends say about his claims? Do you have a friend who has actually earned your trust who you can speak to candidly about this?

Edited to add: Even IF what he says is true (which I doubt) as I parent I find it appalling that he claims his wife is abusive and yet he stays with her and does nothing to protect his kids? This is the manner of man you love?


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## Blueeyes32 (Dec 19, 2021)

EleGirl said:


> @Blueeyes32
> 
> You say that you finish medical school in 2024. Are you doing your internship now? Or is that your residency that ends in 2024? Just asking to get more of an understanding of your situation.


I finish med school in 2024 and do residency in clinic on campus after. Trust me I’d leave right now if I wanted to put my emotions first lol it’s wise to wait until myself and my husband have careers set for sake of each other and kids. We don’t fight we really cordial and good friends so the home has been peaceful since agreeing to live seroarated on the same home


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

EleGirl said:


> If this guy is 40, you've two have not had sex, and he's professing deep love for you after one month he is either immature for a man that age or he's leading you on until he has sex with you. Then he will dump you. I've seen this play out so many times.


At my age I can’t imagine investing a month in a woman with nothing sexual unless he’s a plate spinner and has his wife, OP, and a few other plates going at once. Not sure where he’d have the time but that’s true for that type of guy in general.

As for the OP’s question just ghost him. Turn off all communication and block him.

OP have you even met this guy in person and gone on dates with him or is it all texting and FaceTime?

Edit: Apparently they did have sex once. That makes more sense.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Blueeyes32 said:


> Actually opposite. I want him to end things with me and make things right with his wife. *I said if he does not then I’m ending it and was asking how and if when I should.* After he told me he loves me, he went home to tell his wife he wants a divorce and even threw in the option of separating/open marriage. He said she didn’t say not to any of them, she just wants to get help first and see if they can get their marriage back in track. That’s when I said ok see we need to end things and give her a chance to make marriage work since she is getting help she needs and wanting to save the marriage.


That is easy. Block him on all communication channels, call his wife up and tell her what has been going on apoligize and that you are done with him, and ghost him. You don't need to wait for him to do anything. Then get a divorce from your husband and begin dating UNMARRIED men. That shouldn't be a difficult concept if you have any pride in yourself. You don't; need to fish in someone else's pond to make a catch.

BTW, *nothing* depends on his betrayed spouse and what she does. That isn't relevant at all IF you have any integrity or morals. You are cheating with a married man who has children! Have some pride in yourself and some decency toward other people. How would you like to be in his wife's place. Keep messing around with married men and you will find out what it is like.


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## Blueeyes32 (Dec 19, 2021)

joannacroc said:


> XH was obssessed with a college friend of his. You should see the bologne he texted her. Almost every single comment about me and our marriage was a lie. I didn't want to have sex with him (he frequently turned me down and I never turned him down). I yelled at him (he liked to get in my face, trap me against the wall and scream in my face). I was controlling (because I didn't want him sending single women flirty messages on fb). Cheater. Lie. It's what they do. Surely as a med student you are familiar with people who have an agenda like drug seeking lying to get what they want? What is it that is making you buy into his line of bull so completely? What do your friends say about his claims? Do you have a friend who has actually earned your trust who you can speak to candidly about this?
> 
> Edited to add: Even IF what he says is true (which I doubt) as I parent I find it appalling that he claims his wife is abusive and yet he stays with her and does nothing to protect his kids? This is the manner of man you love?


I’m telling you this is different! I know cheaters and liars and lust and infatuation…I know all about that from friends and coworkers. This is not what’s happening here. I can’t explain the deep feeling we have buts it’s an intense magnet hence we are inseparable 

He is doing something to protect his kids….he’s considering taking his kids and leaving if she doesn’t get help hence we she started the therapy. So far he says is working. So I said see she is improving so you can give her a chance to rekindle ur marriage and he says he now feels he can’t because he can’t lose me so it’s leaning towards him leaving her for me which I don’t want lol I told him we need to end things ASAP and give his wife a chance


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Blueeyes32 said:


> I finish med school in 2024 and do residency in clinic on campus after. Trust me I’d leave right now if I wanted to put my emotions first lol it’s wise to wait until myself and my husband have careers set for sake of each other and kids. We don’t fight we really cordial and good friends so the home has been peaceful since agreeing to live seroarated on the same home


How he is treating his wife is how he will treat you when he starts getting bored with you. When he starts getting bored with you, you will lose all power in the relationship and you'll have to degrade yourself to keep his attention and he will end up stepping out on you. Ghosting him is the right decision.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Blueeyes32 said:


> I’m telling you this is different! I know cheaters and liars and lust and infatuation…I know all about that from friends and coworkers. This is not what’s happening here. I can’t explain the deep feeling we have buts it’s an intense magnet hence we are inseparable
> 
> He is doing something to protect his kids….*he’s considering taking his kids and leaving if she doesn’t get help hence we she started the therapy. *So far he says is working. So I said see she is improving so you can give her a chance to rekindle ur marriage and he says he now feels he can’t because he can’t lose me so it’s leaning towards him leaving her for me which I don’t want lol I told him we need to end things ASAP and give his wife a chance


 How is he going to "take his kids"? What legal ground does he have to take them away from their mother? Also, he's a dentist. How is he going to raise his kids if he's working as a dentist which is a very demanding profession?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

What does his wife do to him that is so controlling?


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## Blueeyes32 (Dec 19, 2021)

EleGirl said:


> How is he going to "take his kids"? What legal ground does he have to take them away from their mother? Also, he's a dentist. How is he going to raise his kids if he's working as a dentist which is a very demanding profession?


he has family here willing to help him with his kids because they know his wife emotionally unstable. She’s not physically abusive, shes irrational. For example, she wakes them all up at midnight to do scriptures if they had a busy day and forgot to. He has tried to be on kids side with it but doesn’t want to cause fights so he obeys what she says and it kills him because he knows his kids hate the irrational behavior control she does


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

EleGirl said:


> If you two have not had sex yet, it's what's called an emotional affair. They can actually be more destructive to a marriage than a purely sexual affair. Many affairs are only about getting sex, especially for men. Many men have no problem separating sex from emotions. But an emotional affair will usually destroy any feelings one has for their spouse.
> 
> *If this guy is 40, you've two have not had sex, and he's professing deep love for you after one month he is either immature for a man that age or he's leading you on until he has sex with you. Then he will dump yo*u. I've seen this play out so many times.


This is ridiculous. A wayward married man surfing the web for fresh meat and having caught the fish he doesn't partake? Either unusually patient or something badly wrong with the guy's libido. Maybe that is why the wife is "abusive"? He isn't taking care of the cow at home, while wandering other fields. If OP hangs around this guy long enough, she will receive what is deserved.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Blueeyes32 said:


> he has family here willing to help him with his kids because they know his wife emotionally unstable. She’s not physically abusive, shes irrational. For example, she wakes them all up at midnight to do scriptures if they had a busy day and forgot to. He has tried to be on kids side with it but doesn’t want to cause fights so he obeys what she says and it kills him because he knows his kids hate the irrational behavior control she does


Is his wife a stay at home mom (SAHM) or does she have a job?


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## Blueeyes32 (Dec 19, 2021)

EleGirl said:


> What does his wife do to him that is so controlling?


she’s highly religious like on the extreme unhealthy end. She makes them do scripture late at night, makes them re do chores if it’s not done to her standard even though the house is spotless, can’t walk or talk or sit on the couch a specific way, he has to follow the list she gives him on his only day off and makes it seem like he’s the prob if he does not obey,when he goes on dental meeting trips once a year for a day or two…she complain how he has to catch up with chores and responsibilities he missed while gone as if he was on vacation. He is not allowed to have friends and if he ever was to have a friend and go out, she acts mad the next day as if he was wrong for it.


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## Blueeyes32 (Dec 19, 2021)

EleGirl said:


> Is his wife a stay at home mom (SAHM) or does she have a job?


SAHM


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Blueeyes32 said:


> she’s highly religious like on the extreme unhealthy end. She makes them do scripture late at night, makes them re do chores if it’s not done to her standard even though the house is spotless, can’t walk or talk or sit on the couch a specific way, he has to follow the list she gives him on his only day off and makes it seem like he’s the prob if he does not obey,when he goes on dental meeting trips once a year for a day or two…she complain how he has to catch up with chores and responsibilities he missed while gone as if he was on vacation. He is not allowed to have friends and if he ever was to have a friend and go out, she acts mad the next day as if he was wrong for it.


If she has that much control over him and his time, how does he have time to spend with you?


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## meme4321 (Aug 9, 2021)

This man is married with kids but went on a dating site pretending to be single in order to CHEAT on his wife. She is probably at home, none the wiser to her situation. Picture her crying and feeling completely defeated when she looks at his phone and reads some of your messages. And she will. Cheaters usually get caught. How does that make you feel? He can justify his actions any which way but the God's honest truth is that if he wanted a divorce, he would get a divorce, work on himself, and THEN get into a relationship with someone else. 

Honey, I speak from experience. If he didn't want to hurt his kids, he would not be looking to have sex with random strangers on a dating site. He will do it to you, too, once the excitement fades. He 100% will. I could not be more confident in that. It could be 5 years down the road but it will happen. He is a selfish and dishonest person. These sort of people don't change. They think they will once they get rid of the thing that isn't satisfying them but the reality is they are dissatisfied with themselves and don't realize it/won't admit it. Run. As fast as you can. There are other fish in the ocean who ARE single.

Also, his children and family will hate you anyway. Why would you even want to get into something that is filled with confrontation and unhappiness for so many people? No one will be happy for you or embrace you in his circle. That's a bad way to try to start a relationship.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

Blueeyes32 said:


> she’s highly religious like on the extreme unhealthy end. She makes them do scripture late at night, makes them re do chores if it’s not done to her standard even though the house is spotless, can’t walk or talk or sit on the couch a specific way, he has to follow the list she gives him on his only day off and makes it seem like he’s the prob if he does not obey,when he goes on dental meeting trips once a year for a day or two…she complain how he has to catch up with chores and responsibilities he missed while gone as if he was on vacation. *He is not allowed to have friends and if he ever was to have a friend and go out, she acts mad the next day as if he was wrong for it.*


I think you need to dig a bit here. You are getting all this information secondhand. From his point of view, if he has friends, and goes out she gets mad. Maybe she knows he's cheating on her and is anxious and angry for that reason when he goes out. How do you KNOW that any of what he says is true? I feel a lot of what he is saying is coming across skewed at the very least and downright lies at the most. You're an intelligent person. You think he's different. Ok. Don't take our words to heart. Trust but verify.


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## Blueeyes32 (Dec 19, 2021)

EleGirl said:


> If she has that much control over him and his time, how does he have time to spend with you?


he texts me all day at work, on his way home, when he gets home, when he’s doing her list, when he with the kids, before he goes to bed, on his way to work…constant lol


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## Chaotic_Aquarian (Feb 8, 2021)

There are a lot of inconsistencies in your posts. You're a med student, he's a dentist yet you're inseparable, see each other every day, talk every hour of everyday? Wife micromanages him and the kids? Somethings not adding up here. 

Your question has been answered by many, ghost him. If it's meant to be, in the stars, fate, kismet, all that crap then he will divorce, you will divorce and then you two can ride off into the sunset together.


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## Blueeyes32 (Dec 19, 2021)

Chaotic_Aquarian said:


> There are a lot of inconsistencies in your posts. You're a med student, he's a dentist yet you're inseparable, see each other every day, talk every hour of everyday? Wife micromanages him and the kids? Somethings not adding up here.
> 
> Your question has been answered by many, ghost him. If it's meant to be, in the stars, fate, kismet, all that crap then he will divorce, you will divorce and then you two can ride off into the sunset together.


I agree


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

SAHM with three kids and he’s a dentist. Aw hell, she’ll be in good shape.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Blueeyes32 said:


> he texts me all day at work, on his way home, when he gets home, when he’s doing her list, when he with the kids, before he goes to bed, on his way to work…constant lol


How much time have you spent with him in person? About how many times have you two been together in person?


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## Blueeyes32 (Dec 19, 2021)

EleGirl said:


> How much time have you spent with him in person? About how many times have you two been together in person?


he will run out to the store every night for an hour and we talk in the car or at the park, also We have talked in parking lots during his kids practices. About every day for an hour at most


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## Blueeyes32 (Dec 19, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> SAHM with three kids and he’s a dentist. Aw hell, she’ll be in good shape.


No i have three kids lol he has like 6 haha and yes she would be fine


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Rus47 said:


> Then get a divorce from your husband and begin dating UNMARRIED men.


That means she'll have to wait at least 2 years to start a new relationship because her husband's parents are picking up the tab for her family of 5. Wonder if the parents know they are throwing their money down a rat hole.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Blueeyes32 said:


> No i have three kids lol he has like 6 haha and yes she would be fine


😞


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## Blueeyes32 (Dec 19, 2021)

Blondilocks said:


> That means she'll have to wait at least 2 years to start a new relationship because her husband's parents are picking up the tab for her family of 5. Wonder if the parents know they are throwing their money down a rat hole.


They all know our situation and beyond aware of his addiction and how it destroyed our marriage tbh I think parents blame themselves for his addiction that he developed form childhood and use their money to help us out of guilt. My opinion but it makes sense. They know we are going separate ways once dine with school and agree that it’s wise to hang out as long as possible for kids until we financially good on our own


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

How do you end it? By ending it. It is that simple.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

A wise dentist once told me, “Be true to your teeth or they will be false to you.”

As the OP gradually reveals more and more of the story it sounds worse and worse.

Do you really have time for nonsense like clandestinely sneaking around?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

You're deluding yourself if you think that man even knows what deep love is. This is deep lust for him. He hasn't changed who he is since you met him and that's when he was online looking to have an affair and cheat on his wife. He is still that same guy. He probably, quote, falls in love with anyone he has sex with. His goal is to find as many women as possible that he can get away with having sex with without them squawking too loud. 

I won't say you're being a homewrecker because anyone with him for a husband is already in a failed marriage. You are also already in a failed marriage and still living together. Two people still living with their spouses and banging each other is not love.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Blueeyes32 said:


> *We had sex once in the beginning we both regret. *Hence we agreed we won’t until he’s single if that’s the case, if not he needs to give his wife a chance and stop talking with me. I’m sure his emotions have been destroyed from his wife hence it’s prob easier to open up with me


Ah, there you go. He got a taste of you and is dying for more. With you being so in wuv with him, I can’t believe that you’re meeting up almost daily in his car for an hour and you’re you’re not giving him a BJ in the car?

This is not love. You’re lowering yourself to be a side piece and have convinced yourself it’s something more. Please have some self respect. If not for yourself, for your 3 kids. No kid wants their mom doing what you’re doing. Please cut this guy out of your life. He is not a good guy and is turning you into not a good woman.


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

Blueeyes32 said:


> No i have three kids lol he has like 6 haha and yes she would be fine


You really need to look at the big picture here. You are just starting your career in a demanding field. On top of this you have 3 young children. You're considering a relationship with a man who has a wife and 6 kids. Those 6 kids are likely going to hate you for breaking up their parents btw. Do you really want or need that kind of a stress load? He is going to to be taken to the cleaners given the fact his wife is a SAHM and he has "6" kids to pay for. 
Once the new wears off of his little love fest, you'll be suffering a serious Case of buyers remorse.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Blueeyes32 said:


> he texts me all day at work, on his way home, when he gets home, when he’s doing her list, when he with the kids, before he goes to bed, on his way to work…constant lol


How awful. You think this is okay to be doing w a married man?

I've rarely seen someone outside of high school write lol so much. 

I sincerely hope you live far away from me so I never would have the chance of being your patient.

Lol.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

The more I read, the more this “love” stuff gets more disgusting. Not just your thread, OP, all of them. Thinking I need a Christmas break from this. If this is all love is, I want a warranty and a 90 day money back guarantee on the stuff. Damn. A month and they’re “inseparable”, and all they do is text or sit and talk in a car for an hour. OP, what you have with this guy is like a textbook, classic case of limerance that will die on the vine once a little requirement of responsibility and selflessness starts being required of him.

Those rose tinted welding goggles you’re wearing has blinded you from seeing the childish, selfish, heartless, irresponsible, conscienceless person you are sharing your free time with.
How do you even study wearing that getup?

I swear you could look at the surface of the sun through a telescope with those things and only see a warm ball of rainbow encrusted giant unicorn kibbles.


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## Blueeyes32 (Dec 19, 2021)

Livvie said:


> How awful. You think this is okay to be doing w a married man?
> 
> I've rarely seen someone outside of high school write lol so much.
> 
> ...


This has nothing to do with my profession. I’ve worked for so many doctors all over the country moving around a lot in military and they all have their personal issues. Just cuz your a doctor doesn’t mean ur perfect in ur personal life lol


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Blueeyes32 said:


> False. It was a relationship site and I was looking to get to know a guy slowly over time not hook up. He is not using me for sex since we don’t have sex lol he can easily I’m sure go get it elsewhere but he doesn’t lol we talk all day every day. We are inseparable. He closed his office down and sent staff home to spend time on my bday and no not for sex since we agreed we wouldn’t have sex until later on if he’s divorced. I’ve been with my husband the same time he’s been with his wife….20 years. In my situation, my husband had struggled with addiction and we agreed to end things because he feels his addiction has pained me too much to make things work with me which I agree with lol so we are living cordial with each other until I finish school and live on my own. It would not make any send to move out right now when my husband and I don’t have our careers set since that will be a heck of a financial struggle we both down want for ourselves or the kids and yes we have 3.I don’t want him to leave me for her lol in fact I told him to end things with me to go make things right with her. He is refusing to hence why I went on here to ask advice on what to do. This is not lust or infatuation and no it’s not for sex like a typical cheater/affair lol I’m telling you this is some deep stuff. I can’t explain it


You told him to end it so he could work on his marriage but he refused. So let's think what the right thing for you to do is. Hmmm. Oh yes, YOU end it. 
He has a wife. He has dependent children. He isn't free to be with you. Period. 

You are a homewrecker.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Blueeyes32 said:


> We had sex once in the beginning we both regret. Hence we agreed we won’t until he’s single if that’s the case, if not he needs to give his wife a chance and stop talking with me. I’m sure his emotions have been destroyed from his wife hence it’s prob easier to open up with me


You do realise that cheater's lie about their wives and marriages. All. the. time.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Blueeyes32 said:


> This has nothing to do with my profession. I’ve worked for so many doctors all over the country moving around a lot in military and they all have their personal issues. Just cuz your a doctor doesn’t mean ur perfect in ur personal life lol


I know that. It's your last sentence that would make me want to run far from you. I know you are just posting to an online forum but your use of language sucks so badly. Really: "Just cuz _your_ a doctor doesn't mean ur perfect in ur personal life lol" makes me want to gag.

Just checking in, you DO know it's you're and not your, right?

None of my doctors would be able to write with such poor craft of the English language even if just posting on a forum. Out of respect for themselves.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Blueeyes32 said:


> I’m telling you this is different! I know cheaters and liars and lust and infatuation…I know all about that from friends and coworkers. This is not what’s happening here. I can’t explain the deep feeling we have buts it’s an intense magnet hence we are inseparable
> 
> He is doing something to protect his kids….he’s considering taking his kids and leaving if she doesn’t get help hence we she started the therapy. So far he says is working. So I said see she is improving so you can give her a chance to rekindle ur marriage and he says he now feels he can’t because he can’t lose me so it’s leaning towards him leaving her for me which I don’t want lol I told him we need to end things ASAP and give his wife a chance


Then DO IT. Just DO IT. If you REALLY thought he should end it with you YOU would make that happen. You don't of course. You want his children to have their lives wrecked. You want to wreck a family. To take a married man away from his responsibilities. 

I have no idea how you can be so blind. This is a man with no moral values or integrity.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Blueeyes32 said:


> No i have three kids lol he has like 6 haha and yes she would be fine


Sorry you do not talk like a professional. 'Like 6 haha' Sounds like a 15 year old or a VERY immature adult. And we are supposed to believe you are in your 40's????Married for 20 years? No way. 
No way a mature intelligent women would fall for this nonsense. Or talk this way.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Diana7 said:


> Then DO IT. Just DO IT. If you REALLY thought he should end it with you YOU would make that happen. You don't of course. You want his children to have their lives wrecked. You want to wreck a family. To take a married man away from his responsibilities.
> 
> I have no idea how you can be so blind. This is a man with no moral values or integrity.


Knowing what she knows, and continuing anyway, is as much a reflection on OP’s character as the her AP. All she has to do is go 100% no-contact. It feels like she’s stalling out that process (breaking up with him) to give it a chance to go fully physical again.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Some things are meant to be...

That meaning will flesh-out, or it won't.

With this man, you are not dragging a wall clock that gets heavier, by the day.

Concentrate on your school work and your career.

Hope is a wonderful thing, 

(But, then again, that lady, Ms. Hope from Canada abandoned us).



_KB-_


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## A18S37K14H18 (Dec 14, 2021)

Blueeyes32 said:


> I made it clear to him I do not want to be that person to destroy his marriage or hurt her/his family and that we need to end this.



You're not doing what you're saying.

Say what you mean and mean what you say.

"We" don't need to end this, you do... but you haven't.

It will end, eventually, after much pain, suffering and heartache.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

Blueeyes32 said:


> I am separated but still living with my husband . My husband knows I am seeing someone else and is ok with it….the guy I’m seeing has not told his wife. I made it clear to him I do not want to be that person to destroy his marriage or hurt her/his family and that we need to end this. We met online a month ago on a dating site. He was looking for an escape from his troubled marriage hoping to just find hookups and didn’t care which he admits he was wrong for and I of course was looking to date not hookup since I’m allowed to in my marriage. That did not happen. We fell in love fast with each other. Felt like we knew each other our whole lives the second we met. Instant unexplainable strong chemistry/connection that we have never felt before, We both had an instant deep connection and no not just physical…this is way deeper. We are inseparable. He has already told me he loves me, talks to me every hour ever day, makes time to see me daily etc. here is the dilemma. I told him he needs to end things with me and make it work with his wife since it is not fair to her and wrong. I told him his wife and kids come first. He feels a part of him would die if we stopped talking and he can’t imagine a life without me…mind you it’s been a month! I always thought people were crazy marrying someone after a week but now I can see why lol I told him then he needs to tell her the truth but he said he’s torn because he feels like if he divorces her he will fail his kids by not having both parents under same roof. The whole reason he went on a dating site in the first place is because he says his wife is abusive and he’s starting to see it affecting the kids hence why he’s been contemplating divorce even though that his last resort. When he told her he wants a divorce, she agreed to go to therapy to work on her abusive control issues which is for 12 weeks and then once she shows improvement on her behavior…they can attempt marriage counseling and try to connect again. I told him that won’t happen if he keeps talking to me lol hence he needs to end it with me. Here’s my issue….how do I end it with him? We are deeply in love and it’s not something you can find around the corner…do I end things with him ASAP losing what we have or continue and wait until the 12 weeks to see if he really divorces? He said he is terrified of losing me and at the same time failing his kids and fears that if his wife improves her behavior, he can’t take the next step make things work with her because he’s too in love with me. What do I do in this situation? This is not lust, infatuation or obsession…this is a deep love I can’t explain


How do you end it with him? You just end it. Stop answering calls and texts, stop seeing him and change your number. It's that simple.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Blueeyes32 said:


> he will run out to the store every night for an hour and we talk in the car or at the park, also We have talked in parking lots during his kids practices. About every day for an hour at most


So you did have sex with him ONLY ONCE, but it was oh so naughty and bad. And now you hang out in parking lots for an hour every day and keep your hands off eachother. Sure.

Yeah this is totally how a good man treats a woman he loves and respects. Oh baby I love you so much but I have to hide you from my wife and kids, the parking lot is where we need to meet up. And you’re so trashy you’re like “Oh my Gawd, how romantic this is TRUE LOVE!” 

You have a problem differentiating behaviors from words… He tells you all about what a horrible monster his wife is, but his actions tell you she doesn’t check his phone even though he obviously has thousands of texts and calls to you, and is on dating sites for hookups; she doesn’t know his whereabouts when he’s with you every day, and he has time to have Internet hookups. Pretty sure she’s so busy with SIX kids the only thing of his she controls is washing his stinky boxers. 
Does he tell you they don’t have sex? Their kids are all immaculate conception I’m sure. All six of them. 
He tells you he is SO in LOVE with you, yet he hides you from the world and meets you in parking lots for an hour. Sounds like true love and respect to me. I’ve always dreamed of being a side piece in a parking lot with a man who goes home to his wife and kids. It’s like a Disney story. ♥ How could you even consider not talking to him anymore, you have so much shared history and a fairytale romance? 

I think you need some referrals for a mental health professional when you go back to “med school” after the break. I’m sure any one of the teaching professionals there would have a good recommendation.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Livvie said:


> How awful. You think this is okay to be doing w a married man?
> 
> I've rarely seen someone outside of high school write lol so much.
> 
> ...


You just made me LOL. 
(Schools must be hard up for medical students these days.)


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Evinrude58 said:


> If this is all love is, I want a warranty and a 90 day money back guarantee on the stuff.


This could be a new hit song. We have “I wanna know what love is… I want you to show me!”

Now we have, “I wanna know what love is, does it come with a 90 day money back guarantee?” Still rhymes and everything ez.

Before this gets deleted for being unhelpful, I think the OP really needs to step back and evaluate it as if it was one of her friends looking at the situation and wondering what they’d say other than lol.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Blueeyes32 have you considered this possible scenario?

His wife is an absolute doll, an attentive, loving wife and an extremely good mother. That her husband is a Dollar Tree lothario who cheats on her by having secret accounts on dating sites and that he is the abusing, lying, cheating spouse who feeds credulous women like yourself with a variety of lines? 
1) My wife doesn't understand me.
2) My wife is a cold fish and had denied me sex for years.
3) My wife is abusive and violent.
4) Nah. My wife's a real keeper. I just want a bit of strange.

Actually, 4) is probably close to the true reason he has multiple accounts on dating and affair sites, but it's the one he'll almost certainly never use.

You are being played by an expert, in my opinion.


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## Blueeyes32 (Dec 19, 2021)

Thank you all for your advice and shame on those who said some hurtful things. You don’t know me or my life. I am in med school as a result of my moms passing of cancer. She inspired me to heal others and have a passion in doing so. Shame on you for judging me of being this horrible person because I accidentally fell for a married man. No it is not something I would ever see myself doing nor want to. It just happened and yes I am ending it today with him because I agree it is all wrong. Have you even analyzed why I made this post? Because I know it’s wrong and wanted advice on how to get out of this situation since it’s easier said than done. Now as for you blind people who think doctors have perfect grammar and personal life….your clueless. I can’t tell you how many dentist/doctors I’ve worked for that talk slang outside work or make poor choices in their personal life but why would they show their patients their true self.? Your telling me the amount of cursing you use with a night out with friends, is how you are to your employees or customers at work?….um no. It’s unprofessional so of course doctors put on this perfect pleasant demeanor to keep their business. That goes for any career to be honest. You guys are blind to think the way a doctor talks to their patients is the same way they talk to their friends and family. We are human. I’m sorry if I dug up some pain for those who have been cheated on, that was not my intent. I was honestly looking for a easy way to end this because it’s not a situation I’m use to nor would I ever thought I’d be in. So no I’m not a bad person, I just made a mistake as we all do some point in our lives. To those fools out there…please be careful what you say to people because you don’t know everyone’s situation or what they go through and it is not your place to judge.


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## Killi (May 12, 2021)

Blueeyes32 said:


> Shame on you for judging me of being this horrible person because I accidentally fell for a married man. No it is not something I would ever see myself doing nor want to. It just happened and yes I am ending it today with him because I agree it is all wrong. Have you even analyzed why I made this post? Because I know it’s wrong and wanted advice on how to get out of this situation since it’s easier said than done


You may fall in love but you don't accidentally develop romantic relationships. 



Blueeyes32 said:


> So no I’m not a bad person, I just made a mistake as we all do some point in our lives.


What we say to every betrayed spouse is that their cheater did not make a mistake but made many intentional decisions from flirting, each text, each physical action takes fully aware decisions. Same goes here


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You know what you should do. Whether you do it is obviously up to you.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Blueeyes32 said:


> Thank you all for your advice and shame on those who said some hurtful things. You don’t know me or my life. I am in med school as a result of my moms passing of cancer. She inspired me to heal others and have a passion in doing so. Shame on you for judging me of being this horrible person because I accidentally fell for a married man. No it is not something I would ever see myself doing nor want to. It just happened and yes I am ending it today with him because I agree it is all wrong. Have you even analyzed why I made this post? Because I know it’s wrong and wanted advice on how to get out of this situation since it’s easier said than done. Now as for you blind people who think doctors have perfect grammar and personal life….your clueless. I can’t tell you how many dentist/doctors I’ve worked for that talk slang outside work or make poor choices in their personal life but why would they show their patients their true self.? Your telling me the amount of cursing you use with a night out with friends, is how you are to your employees or customers at work?….um no. It’s unprofessional so of course doctors put on this perfect pleasant demeanor to keep their business. That goes for any career to be honest. You guys are blind to think the way a doctor talks to their patients is the same way they talk to their friends and family. We are human. I’m sorry if I dug up some pain for those who have been cheated on, that was not my intent. I was honestly looking for a easy way to end this because it’s not a situation I’m use to nor would I ever thought I’d be in. So no I’m not a bad person, I just made a mistake as we all do some point in our lives. To those fools out there…please be careful what you say to people because you don’t know everyone’s situation or what they go through and it is not your place to judge.


To be fair you didn't accidently fall for him, the moment you knew he was married you should have ended it. That would have prevent you from developing feelings for him. 

I hope you end it for good and that when you tell him, don't encourage him in anyway to leave his family so that he can be with you. 

Make it clear that its not to be and that he and his wife need to decide what to do together. 
Then please don't have any more contact.


I hope this has enabled you to understand that married people should be off limits.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Blueeyes32 said:


> This has nothing to do with my profession. I’ve worked for so many doctors all over the country moving around a lot in military and they all have their personal issues. Just cuz your a doctor doesn’t mean ur perfect in ur personal life lol


If you are only now in medical school, how have you worked with so many doctors all over the country?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Blueeyes32 said:


> Thank you all for your advice and shame on those who said some hurtful things. You don’t know me or my life. I am in med school as a result of my moms passing of cancer. She inspired me to heal others and have a passion in doing so. Shame on you for judging me of being this horrible person because I accidentally fell for a married man. No it is not something I would ever see myself doing nor want to. It just happened and yes I am ending it today with him because I agree it is all wrong. Have you even analyzed why I made this post? Because I know it’s wrong and wanted advice on how to get out of this situation since it’s easier said than done. Now as for you blind people who think doctors have perfect grammar and personal life….your clueless. I can’t tell you how many dentist/doctors I’ve worked for that talk slang outside work or make poor choices in their personal life but why would they show their patients their true self.? Your telling me the amount of cursing you use with a night out with friends, is how you are to your employees or customers at work?….um no. It’s unprofessional so of course doctors put on this perfect pleasant demeanor to keep their business. That goes for any career to be honest. You guys are blind to think the way a doctor talks to their patients is the same way they talk to their friends and family. We are human. I’m sorry if I dug up some pain for those who have been cheated on, that was not my intent. I was honestly looking for a easy way to end this because it’s not a situation I’m use to nor would I ever thought I’d be in. So no I’m not a bad person, I just made a mistake as we all do some point in our lives. To those fools out there…please be careful what you say to people because you don’t know everyone’s situation or what they go through and it is not your place to judge.


I'm still very worried about your use of "your" instead of "you're".

Like for real.


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## meme4321 (Aug 9, 2021)

I think you should end it AND tell the wife. That is what this man deserves. Does his wife deserve to raise 6 children in a Christian home (which is important to her) while her husband is cheating on her in parking lots with another woman during their children's sports practices? Do you really think no one that they know has seen you two together in the car and rumors aren't flying behind this poor woman's back?

When you have one half of the story between the two of them, you have just that. I can tell you she is nowhere near as bad as he describes and might be a very good person. She was good enough to have 6 children with him! He seems real put out that she has a list of chores for him on days off. Dude, maybe don't have 6 children then? That is a ton of work and I imagine they have a large house for all those kids that needs a lot of upkeep. So he should have the right to an affair because his wife dares to ask him to mow the lawn instead of lay on the couch? 

Please do the right thing. Since the damage has already been done the only right thing to do is to tell the wife so that she can have all of the information and a chance at finding a true man with Christian values that match hers. She can also have the chance to position herself to take him for everything he is worth.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Blueeyes32 said:


> Actually opposite. I want him to end things with me and make things right with his wife. I said if he does not then I’m ending it and was asking how and if when I should. After he told me he loves me, he went home to tell his wife he wants a divorce and even threw in the option of separating/open marriage. He said she didn’t say not to any of them, she just wants to get help first and see if they can get their marriage back in track. That’s when I said ok see we need to end things and give her a chance to make marriage work since she is getting help she needs and wanting to save the marriage.


He's on a dating site. He has no intention of focusing on making his marriage work. The truth is his marriage probably would be working if it weren't for him cheating. The truth is all men demonize their wives who are cheating on them and continue to do so. If you really wanted him to concentrate on his marriage you wouldn't be even talking to him. But make no mistake you are not special to him and he will just continue being on a dating site looking for hookups.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Blueeyes32 said:


> I graduate fall 2024, I’m 33 and he’s 40. He contemplated ending things now and then in 12 weeks let me know if she’s better because he doesn’t want to hurt anyone or play anyone. We have talked about many options on what to do in a situation like this because we were not planning on this to happen. He was not looking for an emotional affair or connection. He was tired of being controlled by his wife and made stupid choice to look for an escape hookup. He regrets it but doesn’t regret meeting me. He wants to give his wife chance to work on the marriage when her therapy is over but is terrified he’s too in love with me to end things and won’t want to give his wife a chance when she’s done. That’s when I said see we need to end things now because that’s not fair to her at all.


You're not planning on this to happen??? You were both on dating sites looking to cheat on your spouses. This is exactly what you were planning on happening.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

ccpowerslave said:


> At my age I can’t imagine investing a month in a woman with nothing sexual unless he’s a plate spinner and has his wife, OP, and a few other plates going at once. Not sure where he’d have the time but that’s true for that type of guy in general.
> 
> As for the OP’s question just ghost him. Turn off all communication and block him.
> 
> ...


He's definitely a plate spinner. I mean he's on a dating site.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Blueeyes32 said:


> I’m telling you this is different! I know cheaters and liars and lust and infatuation…I know all about that from friends and coworkers. This is not what’s happening here. I can’t explain the deep feeling we have buts it’s an intense magnet hence we are inseparable
> 
> He is doing something to protect his kids….he’s considering taking his kids and leaving if she doesn’t get help hence we she started the therapy. So far he says is working. So I said see she is improving so you can give her a chance to rekindle ur marriage and he says he now feels he can’t because he can’t lose me so it’s leaning towards him leaving her for me which I don’t want lol I told him we need to end things ASAP and give his wife a chance


You're not special to this guy. He's just a good liar and he's done this before. You haven't and that's why you believe his BS. This is getting ready to be how you learn about liars.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

EleGirl said:


> How is he going to "take his kids"? What legal ground does he have to take them away from their mother? Also, he's a dentist. How is he going to raise his kids if he's working as a dentist which is a very demanding profession?


The custody norm in the US is 50/50 joint custody. For a parent not to have any custody of their kids they would have to relinquish it or be some kind of bad addict and even then they will be given a pathway back to their children. These are all lies. They always demonize their spouse.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

meme4321 said:


> I think you should end it AND tell the wife. That is what this man deserves. Does his wife deserve to raise 6 children in a Christian home (which is important to her) while her husband is cheating on her in parking lots with another woman during their children's sports practices? Do you really think no one that they know has seen you two together in the car and rumors aren't flying behind this poor woman's back?
> 
> When you have one half of the story between the two of them, you have just that. I can tell you she is nowhere near as bad as he describes and might be a very good person. She was good enough to have 6 children with him! He seems real put out that she has a list of chores for him on days off. Dude, maybe don't have 6 children then? That is a ton of work and I imagine they have a large house for all those kids that needs a lot of upkeep. So he should have the right to an affair because his wife dares to ask him to mow the lawn instead of lay on the couch?
> 
> Please do the right thing. Since the damage has already been done the only right thing to do is to tell the wife so that she can have all of the information and a chance at finding a true man with Christian values that match hers. She can also have the chance to position herself to take him for everything he is worth.


Can you imagine how much child maintenance he will need to pay if he leaves! 
Maybe that's what is stopping him. 

He told the OP that he has told his wife, but being that he lies who knows.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> Can you imagine how much child maintenance he will need to pay if he leaves!
> Maybe that's what is stopping him.
> 
> He told the OP that he has told his wife, but being that he lies who knows.


His wife might even have rights to half his business if they divorced if it's true she either stayed home the whole time taking care of his children and home so that he could fully develop his practice or if she at any time worked part-time in his office. 

He's not about to divorce. People who are about to divorce don't go on dating sites if they've got a brain in their head.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Blueeyes32 said:


> Thank you all for your advice and shame on those who said some hurtful things. You don’t know me or my life. I am in med school as a result of my moms passing of cancer. She inspired me to heal others and have a passion in doing so. Shame on you for judging me of being this horrible person because I accidentally fell for a married man. No it is not something I would ever see myself doing nor want to. It just happened and yes I am ending it today with him because I agree it is all wrong. Have you even analyzed why I made this post? Because I know it’s wrong and wanted advice on how to get out of this situation since it’s easier said than done. Now as for you blind people who think doctors have perfect grammar and personal life….your clueless. I can’t tell you how many dentist/doctors I’ve worked for that talk slang outside work or make poor choices in their personal life but why would they show their patients their true self.? Your telling me the amount of cursing you use with a night out with friends, is how you are to your employees or customers at work?….um no. It’s unprofessional so of course doctors put on this perfect pleasant demeanor to keep their business. That goes for any career to be honest. You guys are blind to think the way a doctor talks to their patients is the same way they talk to their friends and family. We are human. I’m sorry if I dug up some pain for those who have been cheated on, that was not my intent. I was honestly looking for a easy way to end this because it’s not a situation I’m use to nor would I ever thought I’d be in. So no I’m not a bad person, I just made a mistake as we all do some point in our lives. To those fools out there…please be careful what you say to people because you don’t know everyone’s situation or what they go through and it is not your place to judge.


What would your mother say about you putting yourself in this situation, intentionally? An accident is falling in a ditch, not on someone’s penis. 

You didn’t dig up pain, you just presented a lot of evidence in which you make yourself look like a bad person and him an even worse one. If you aren’t a bad person, DONT DO THINGS BAD PEOPLE DO. Period. When you are divorced and done mooching off your husbands parents, date single men then, and only then. That’s what good people do. 

Stupid is as stupid does. Says a wiser person than you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Diana7 said:


> Can you imagine how much child maintenance he will need to pay if he leaves!
> Maybe that's what is stopping him.
> 
> He told the OP that he has told his wife but being that he lies who knows.


 With 6 children going to be paying out at least half of his income in child support and alimony. For this alone he will probably never leave her.

If, after Blueeyes32 has completed her medical school & residency she earns a lot more than her husband, she will also be paying him a LOT of child support for their 3 children. She might even be paying alimony


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> With 6 children going to be paying out at least half of his income in child support and alimony. For this alone he will probably never leave her.
> 
> If, after Blueeyes32 has completed her medical school & residency she earns a lot more than her husband, she will also be paying him a LOT of child support for their 3 children. She might even be paying alimony


I expect he will be onto more women by then sadly.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

DownByTheRiver said:


> The custody norm in the US is 50/50 joint custody. For a parent not to have any custody of their kids they would have to relinquish it or be some kind of bad addict and even then they will be given a pathway back to their children. These are all lies. They always demonize their spouse.


Yep, custody will be as close to 50/50 as possible.

Something that comes to mind in this case is that there is a good chance that this guy is a serial cheater. If it's true that his wife is controlling, it might be because she's caught him cheating before and is trying to cope with what she thinks is a marital recvoery.

There is also a chance that Blueeyes32 is not the only woman he's doing this with. I know a guy who did this. He was married and online and texting with 2 or 3 women at a time. Each one of those women thought that he was madly in love with them, and they were with him. Not one even imagined that the entire thing was just a game to him. When his wife found out, she contacted as many of the women as she could. All of the women were devastated because they thought it was true love. All of the women were also highly educated career women. It was a real eye opener.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Let’s address the elephant in the room shall we? No decent man wants anything to do with a 32 year old woman, living with her husband, has 3 kids, no job and is years out from completing “medical school.” Any man here feel free to correct my thinking. OP, your situation does not endear you to any decent men. None. Therefore you are scraping the bottom of the barrel and you’ve gotten the sludge. That’s all you will get until you fix your life and your situation. Stop trying to find a man.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> I expect he will be onto more women by then sadly.


OP doesn't know but what he was doing several other women while chasing her. He may be doing any women who will hold still at the dental office every day. Or maybe he is one of those creeps caught abusing women while they are anesthetized during dental treatment. We are talking about a guy surfing the web every spare minute trying to hook up with women, ANY women. There was a thread awhile ago on here where a dentist was romancing a guys wife at the dental office. Don't recall if he was also cleaning her teeth. And the story isn't over, cuz he will be calling OP and texting her to go "talk" in the parking lot. He no doubt knows that OP's hubby doesn't care what she does. Let that settle in the mind.

They have three children who she evidently doesn't care anything about ( given she has time to romance a married man in random parking lots and public parks around town ). And the kids father is ok with their mother doing whoever/whenever she likes while going to school part time on his parents' dime. High integrity, highly moral people.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Blueeyes32 said:


> I am separated but still living with my husband . My husband knows I am seeing someone else and is ok with it….the guy I’m seeing has not told his wife. I made it clear to him I do not want to be that person to destroy his marriage or hurt her/his family and that we need to end this. We met online a month ago on a dating site. He was looking for an escape from his troubled marriage hoping to just find hookups and didn’t care which he admits he was wrong for and I of course was looking to date not hookup since I’m allowed to in my marriage. That did not happen. We fell in love fast with each other. Felt like we knew each other our whole lives the second we met. Instant unexplainable strong chemistry/connection that we have never felt before, We both had an instant deep connection and no not just physical…this is way deeper. We are inseparable. He has already told me he loves me, talks to me every hour ever day, makes time to see me daily etc. here is the dilemma. I told him he needs to end things with me and make it work with his wife since it is not fair to her and wrong. I told him his wife and kids come first. He feels a part of him would die if we stopped talking and he can’t imagine a life without me…mind you it’s been a month! I always thought people were crazy marrying someone after a week but now I can see why lol I told him then he needs to tell her the truth but he said he’s torn because he feels like if he divorces her he will fail his kids by not having both parents under same roof. The whole reason he went on a dating site in the first place is because he says his wife is abusive and he’s starting to see it affecting the kids hence why he’s been contemplating divorce even though that his last resort. When he told her he wants a divorce, she agreed to go to therapy to work on her abusive control issues which is for 12 weeks and then once she shows improvement on her behavior…they can attempt marriage counseling and try to connect again. I told him that won’t happen if he keeps talking to me lol hence he needs to end it with me. Here’s my issue….how do I end it with him? We are deeply in love and it’s not something you can find around the corner…do I end things with him ASAP losing what we have or continue and wait until the 12 weeks to see if he really divorces? He said he is terrified of losing me and at the same time failing his kids and fears that if his wife improves her behavior, he can’t take the next step make things work with her because he’s too in love with me. What do I do in this situation? This is not lust, infatuation or obsession…this is a deep love I can’t explain


What you are doing is immoral.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

QuietRiot said:


> Let’s address the elephant in the room shall we? *No decent man wants anything to do wit*h a 32 year old woman, living with her husband, has 3 kids, no job and is years out from completing “medical school.” Any man here feel free to correct my thinking. OP, your* situation does not endear you to any decent men. None.* Therefore you are scraping the bottom of the barrel and you’ve gotten the sludge. That’s all you will get until you fix your life and your situation. Stop trying to find a man.


You are exactly on the money. This dentist is scraping the bottom of the barrel too chasing a a 32 year old woman, living with her husband, has 3 kids, no job and is years out from completing “medical school" being paid for by her in-laws. Were it not for the nine kids total and the dentist's wife, would say these two deserve one another.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Blueeyes32 said:


> I do believe in monogamy…my husband and I are not together hence the open marriage. We financially cannot divorce now and agreed in several years when we are able to, we are divorcing. We are staying cordial for the kids stability for now…..as for the guy, he admitted he was wrong since in the beginning he told me he was looking to divorce his wife so I felt we were in the same situation and went for it


You say you do but your lifestyle says you are lying to us.

Go get some counseling because this relationship is more like two emotional junkies feening off each other. It's not love.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

EleGirl said:


> here is also a chance that Blueeyes32 is not the only woman he's doing this with. I know a guy who did this. He was married and online and texting with 2 or 3 women at a time. Each one of those women thought that he was madly in love with them, and they were with him.


Blueeyes32 better get an STD panel done, and tell AP's wife to do the same.


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## Megaforce (Nov 12, 2021)

Not buying the med school allegation. Grammar is horrible and reasoning ability seems quite poor. Maybe standards have been lowered since I was in pre- med. But, I doubt lowered to this extent.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@Blueeyes32

I don't know if you are still reading here but just in case ...

You told him that you want him to divorce his wife so he can have a relationship with you. But you have no plans to divorce your husband for years. No guy in his right mind would divorce his wife to have an affair with a married woman. This makes no sense.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Blueeyes32 said:


> I am separated but still living with my husband . My husband knows I am seeing someone else and is ok with it….the guy I’m seeing has not told his wife. I made it clear to him I do not want to be that person to destroy his marriage or hurt her/his family and that we need to end this. We met online a month ago on a dating site. He was looking for an escape from his troubled marriage hoping to just find hookups and didn’t care which he admits he was wrong for and I of course was looking to date not hookup since I’m allowed to in my marriage. That did not happen. We fell in love fast with each other. Felt like we knew each other our whole lives the second we met. Instant unexplainable strong chemistry/connection that we have never felt before, We both had an instant deep connection and no not just physical…this is way deeper. We are inseparable. He has already told me he loves me, talks to me every hour ever day, makes time to see me daily etc. here is the dilemma. I told him he needs to end things with me and make it work with his wife since it is not fair to her and wrong. I told him his wife and kids come first. He feels a part of him would die if we stopped talking and he can’t imagine a life without me…mind you it’s been a month! I always thought people were crazy marrying someone after a week but now I can see why lol I told him then he needs to tell her the truth but he said he’s torn because he feels like if he divorces her he will fail his kids by not having both parents under same roof. The whole reason he went on a dating site in the first place is because he says his wife is abusive and he’s starting to see it affecting the kids hence why he’s been contemplating divorce even though that his last resort. When he told her he wants a divorce, she agreed to go to therapy to work on her abusive control issues which is for 12 weeks and then once she shows improvement on her behavior…they can attempt marriage counseling and try to connect again. I told him that won’t happen if he keeps talking to me lol hence he needs to end it with me. Here’s my issue….how do I end it with him? We are deeply in love and it’s not something you can find around the corner…do I end things with him ASAP losing what we have or continue and wait until the 12 weeks to see if he really divorces? He said he is terrified of losing me and at the same time failing his kids and fears that if his wife improves her behavior, he can’t take the next step make things work with her because he’s too in love with me. What do I do in this situation? This is not lust, infatuation or obsession…this is a deep love I can’t explain


I think you're a perfect moral match, you should encourage him to be honest with his wife. The 12 week counseling is a complete waste of time since he's not remotely invested in doing it properly. 



Blueeyes32 said:


> Thank you all for your advice and shame on those who said some hurtful things. You don’t know me or my life. I am in med school as a result of my moms passing of cancer. She inspired me to heal others and have a passion in doing so. Shame on you for judging me of being this horrible person because I accidentally fell for a married man. No it is not something I would ever see myself doing nor want to. It just happened and yes I am ending it today with him because I agree it is all wrong. Have you even analyzed why I made this post? Because I know it’s wrong and wanted advice on how to get out of this situation since it’s easier said than done. Now as for you blind people who think doctors have perfect grammar and personal life….your clueless. I can’t tell you how many dentist/doctors I’ve worked for that talk slang outside work or make poor choices in their personal life but why would they show their patients their true self.? Your telling me the amount of cursing you use with a night out with friends, is how you are to your employees or customers at work?….um no. It’s unprofessional so of course doctors put on this perfect pleasant demeanor to keep their business. That goes for any career to be honest. You guys are blind to think the way a doctor talks to their patients is the same way they talk to their friends and family. We are human. I’m sorry if I dug up some pain for those who have been cheated on, that was not my intent. I was honestly looking for a easy way to end this because it’s not a situation I’m use to nor would I ever thought I’d be in. So no I’m not a bad person, I just made a mistake as we all do some point in our lives. To those fools out there…please be careful what you say to people because you don’t know everyone’s situation or what they go through and it is not your place to judge.


Why are the comments hateful? Did you expect to be congratulated for your disgusting behavior ?

We're certainly not blind, some doctors have messy personal lives, and many lose patients when it comes to light. Unless someone else made both of your profiles on that dating site and he slipped and fell into your vagina that once, this is not a mistake but a series of choices.

You seem to have come here with the sole intent of stirring the pot with your triggering comment. Since you're free to call us fools, you're a disgusting excuse for human being,I actually hope you're lying about everything bc you'd taint a patient with your diseased touch.


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## meme4321 (Aug 9, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Can you imagine how much child maintenance he will need to pay if he leaves!
> Maybe that's what is stopping him.
> 
> He told the OP that he has told his wife, but being that he lies who knows.


He didn't tell her. He told her he is unhappy, thinking of leaving..._maybe_. No way did he tell her he slept with this lady or is meeting her in parking lots. Cheaters tell many lies to many people in order to look better to others. It's only a matter of time before the wife finds out though (the evidence is in public and all over his phone). She just has to look. She will eventually look up from the 6 kids and wonder why he needs to go to the store so much. But if OP would just tell the wife, she would have at least done 1 right thing in this whole mess. It might possibly help her sleep once she's out of it and takes a hard look at herself.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Megaforce said:


> Not buying the med school allegation. Grammar is horrible and reasoning ability seems quite poor. Maybe standards have been lowered since I was in pre- med. But, I doubt lowered to this extent.


Actually, medical school is extremely hard to get into these days. I know a few young people who want to go to medical school. Are are 4.0 students with BSs in majors related to medicine. All have very good references, etc. They just keep getting turned down. The only one I know who was accepted is the daughter of a doctor who is now the administrator for a very large hospital in California. Can we talk influence here?

One by one these young people are just giving up on their dream of being a doctor and pursuing other related career fields.

It was much easier to get accepted in medical school years ago when my now ex got in.

Also, I'm not sure how a mother of 3, in medical school, has the time to spend on this sort of nonsense. My ex did cheat on me while he was in medical school, internship, and residency. But it was all done with other hospital staff. That's the norm in the medical field. When they are studying and working 80 hours a week, there is little to no time to 'date'. And with her having 3 children, where's the time for all this nonsense?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Actually, medical school is extremely hard to get into these days. I know a few young people who want to go to medical school. Are are 4.0 students with BSs in majors related to medicine. All have very good references, etc. They just keep getting turned down. The only one I know who was accepted is the daughter of a doctor who is now the administrator for a very lard hospital in California. Can we talk influence here?
> 
> One by one these young people are just giving up on their dream of being a doctor and pursuing other related career fields.
> 
> ...


Husband is looking after the children?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

MattMatt said:


> Husband is looking after the children?


That makes him the primary care giver. So, if one of them gets more custody/time with the children, he will.

Also, the husband has a drug addiction issue. Great care giver... NOT.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

EleGirl said:


> That makes him the primary care giver. So, if one of them gets more custody/time with the children, he will.
> 
> Also, the husband has a drug addiction issue. Great care giver... NOT.


So three kids have a drug addict father and a mother who dates married men. Would think the grandparents ought to intetvene on behslf of the grandkids, spend the money they are on med school giving them a stable home.


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

Blueeyes32, you should tell hubby and your in-laws about the new man. I'm sure they'd love to hear about him lol. Accidentally fell for him lol........that's rich!


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

EleGirl said:


> With 6 children going to be paying out at least half of his income in child support and alimony. For this alone he will probably never leave her.
> 
> If, after Blueeyes32 has completed her medical school & residency she earns a lot more than her husband, she will also be paying him a LOT of child support for their 3 children. She might even be paying alimony


This all seems like proper karma at work to me.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Blueeyes, do both your families know that your marriage is more or less over and that once you are qualified you are leaving? Do your children know? 

Be strong. You know the right thing to do is to end it. You said yourself that you are in no position the have a serious relationship and that when you get divorced you want to live alone for a while, presumably with the children though.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Some enjoy drama.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Falling for someone is okay if you don't act on it, either physically or emotionally, by way of any type of expression. Once you express your feelings, it's a line you've crossed. 

Until then, it's a crush. Crushes happen all the time, even to married people. Thing is, he actually acted on it by expressing his feelings for you. That's not good, and shows weak character.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Blueeyes32 said:


> *The whole reason he went on a dating site in the first place is because he says his wife is abusive and he’s starting to see it affecting the kids hence why he’s been contemplating divorce even though that his last resort*


So....Father of the Year's _solution_ to his "abusive" wife's behavior affecting the kids - the ones he JUST can't leave because they mean so much to him - was to go on a dating site hoping to get himself laid? How in the Hell does does lover boy getting himself some action on the side possibly HELP his kids? This is truly a *mystery* because I don't see how him getting some strange helps his kids at ALL.

What a freakin' putz.

*



We are deeply in love LUST and it’s not something you can find around the corner

Click to expand...

*Fixed that for ya.

Hysterical. In the space of ONE month you're madly in love, you're "soul mates." My goodness - it must have been Kismet. You're destined for forever.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Blueeyes32 said:


> Thank you all for your advice and shame on those who said some hurtful things. You don’t know me or my life.


Yeah, and that's the problem, it's all about you. But it isn't. It's all about the married guy you're seeing, and his marriage, his family. Your first responsibility in this case isn't to yourself.



Blueeyes32 said:


> Shame on you for judging me of being this horrible person because I accidentally fell for a married man.


You can accidentally fall into any circumstance, but you choose whether or how to act because of it. My own story puts me in the category of wishing I had a wife that desired me sexually, and that can create a fantasy of a woman wanting to have sex with me. But I have no desire whatsoever to have sex with a woman other than my wife. Do you see the distinction? You let the fantasy take on a life of its own. 



Blueeyes32 said:


> I’m sorry if I dug up some pain for those who have been cheated on, that was not my intent. I was honestly looking for a easy way to end this because it’s not a situation I’m use to nor would I ever thought I’d be in. So no I’m not a bad person, I just made a mistake as we all do some point in our lives. To those fools out there…please be careful what you say to people because you don’t know everyone’s situation or what they go through and it is not your place to judge.


What you have dug up is not pain as much as experience. You got more than you bargained for; you got the perspective of the home-wrecker, cheater, the stuff that goes along with affairs. 

If you wanted to end it, you would simply go no contact and move on. If you wanted to risk it all to live happily ever after, you'd inform his wife and watch the crap fly and see what comes out the other side. But it seems more like you just want to delay, ponder, get more time by asking here and ignoring answers you don't like. And if the goal is to drag things out so you can keep on seeing this guy, well, the best way to to that is to wait for an answer you know you won't get.


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> Geez, more of this “soulmate” nonsense.
> 
> There is one and only one person with whom you are “meant to be”, and that person is YOU.
> 
> End things with this guy. Why would you want to be with someone that doesn’t respect marriage? If he’ll cheat on his wife, he’ll cheat on you.


exactly


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I fell quite heavily for a female work colleague. She was funny, engaging and very, very sexy.

What did I do about it? Not a damn thing.

I ignored it and got over it, eventually.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

EleGirl said:


> …the administrator for a very lard hospital in California.


I know obesity is an epidemic but an entire hospital dedicated to it! 😱


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

MattMatt said:


> I fell quite heavily for a female work colleague. She was funny, engaging and very, very sexy.
> 
> What did I do about it? Not a damn thing.
> 
> I ignored it and got over it, eventually.


I've had this happen more than once. We cannot help how our subconscious reacts. We have 100% control over how we do in response to that. You are right. Just ignore those feels and eventually they go away. And often, when they did go away, I always wondered what made that person so attractive at the time. It never makes any sense.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

A18S37K14H18 said:


> *It will end, eventually, after much pain, suffering and heartache.*


LOL...how much _"heartache"_ can there really *BE* when it's only been ONE measly month that these two have 'known' each other?

I have a deeper history with my UPS man than the OP has with Prince Charming. 😂😂


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## A18S37K14H18 (Dec 14, 2021)

She's still got it

I'm not talking about the time they've been together. IF they stay together, OP WILL go through a lot more heartache and that is what I was talking about.

If OP stays with this person, she will experience a lot more pain, suffering and heartache.

I was telling her to end it, because if she doesn't end it, it is going to end at some point, but only AFTER she experiences more pain, suffereing and heartache.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> LOL...how much _"heartache"_ can there really *BE* when it's only been ONE measly month that these two have 'known' each other?
> 
> I have a deeper history with my UPS man than the OP has with Prince Charming. 😂😂


At least the UPS driver has more space in his ride for hookups.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

MattMatt said:


> I fell quite heavily for a female work colleague. She was funny, engaging and very, very sexy.
> 
> What did I do about it? Not a damn thing.
> 
> I ignored it and got over it, eventually.


That is how you’re supposed to behave when you’re married. We have ALL run into someone at work or a social circle that you really click and develop a crush on but as a married person, you need to keep those feelings in check and avoid tempting situations.


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## rugswept (May 8, 2019)

There have been some real life changing decisions for whole families in this story. It reads like a long term plan that's based on a long term relationship. 

As others have noted: that's a lot of stuff for 4 weeks out there. Well, the love birds proved me wrong. I said it wouldn't last. Boy was I wrong. 

Best guess: the dude is on data sites and this one was the latest score. He got her early on and it's only been 4 weeks. He's keeping her around. And she's ready to dump the whole family and can't wait to do it. Not a good ending for her.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

rugswept said:


> And she's ready to dump the whole family and can't wait to do it. Not a good ending for her.


Oh no no, she’s not leaving her situation until her current in-laws are done bankrolling her. 3 to 5 years I believe it was.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

QuietRiot said:


> Oh no no, she’s not leaving her situation until her current in-laws are done bankrolling her. 3 to 5 years I believe it was.


That's why I asked if his parents knew that their marriage was over. If not they are being used.


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## Ldziesinski (Nov 18, 2021)

Blueeyes32 said:


> I do believe in monogamy…my husband and I are not together hence the open marriage. We financially cannot divorce now and agreed in several years when we are able to, we are divorcing. We are staying cordial for the kids stability for now…..as for the guy, he admitted he was wrong since in the beginning he told me he was looking to divorce his wife so I felt we were in the same situation and went for it


If he were looking to divorce his wife, he would. My husband told his OW the same thing, but then told me no, if I had not found what I had, we would have stayed married. When people get involved with others , they try to justify what they have done by making their relationships out to be horrid. Its not always true. So there is that.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Ldziesinski said:


> If he were looking to divorce his wife, he would. My husband told his OW the same thing, but then told me no, if I had not found what I had, we would have stayed married. When people get involved with others , they try to justify what they have done by making their relationships out to be horrid. Its not always true. So there is that.


They will tell their wife one thing and their mistress another.


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## Ldziesinski (Nov 18, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> They will tell their wife one thing and their mistress another.


Yep!


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## Ldziesinski (Nov 18, 2021)

Blueeyes32 said:


> It’s not about the sex. I’m not having sex with the guy I’m with or my husband. My husband and I are divorcing when we are able to financially. I want the guy to make things work with his wife and end things with me but he is saying he can’t. Do I end things with him and if it’s meant to be, he will contact me later down the road once he divorced and single? Or do I continue and wait the 12 weeks to see if his wife improve or not determining if he’s going to make things right with her or not.


If you have to ask a forum if you should end things with a married man, you may need to look inward more hun. He is married, and so are you.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

Blueeyes32 said:


> He has not told his wife about me. He only told her about divorce


What about the other women? Did he tell her about the other women?


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

Blueeyes32 said:


> We had sex once in the beginning we both regret. Hence we agreed we won’t until he’s single if that’s the case, if not he needs to give his wife a chance and stop talking with me. *I’m sure his emotions have been destroyed from his wife hence it’s prob easier to open up with me*



You believe his every word huh?


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Blueeyes32 said:


> Do I end things with him and if it’s meant to be, he will contact me later down the road once he divorced and single?


That would make things about as decent as they can be, under the circumstances.


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## Ldziesinski (Nov 18, 2021)

Tdbo said:


> That would make things about as decent as they can be, under the circumstances.


I think you just need to remember, if he is lying to his wife. He is lying to you.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Does he have a baby seal in his pants?
Is his name Lance?
Does he solo the three legged dance?

Yes beer was involved.😋


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Blueeyes32 said:


> We had sex once in the beginning we both regret. Hence we agreed we won’t until he’s single if that’s the case, if not he needs to give his wife a chance and stop talking with me. I’m sure his emotions have been destroyed from his wife hence it’s prob easier to open up with me


I'm in complete agreement with other posters saying the same thing. You have to realize he's lying to you on many levels, just like he's lying to his W.

Dear, he most assuredly finds it easier to lie to you even so.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Ldziesinski said:


> I think you just need to remember, if he is lying to his wife. He is lying to you.


Lies are plentiful in cheating relationships.


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## C.C. says ... (Aug 1, 2020)

It’s funny ... every woman that thinks she has something special with a married man is about deluded as ****. It’s nothing but a fantasy to make the days go by. He’ll throw you under the bus as quickly and easily as he can say, “my wife doesn’t understand me.” 

Don’t buy into that ****. It’s not some kind of “deep love”. It’s not real. It’s an affair fog. I know it hurts, but get yourself together and find someone unattached for your own good.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

C.C. says ... said:


> It’s funny ... every woman that thinks she has something special with a married man is about deluded as ****. It’s nothing but a fantasy to make the days go by. He’ll throw you under the bus as quickly and easily as he can say, “my wife doesn’t understand me.”
> 
> Don’t buy into that ****. It’s not some kind of “deep love”. It’s not real. It’s an affair fog. I know it hurts, but get yourself together and find someone unattached for your own good.
> [/QUOTEit!
> ...


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## C.C. says ... (Aug 1, 2020)

Good point ^ 🤔


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## Twodecades (Apr 4, 2021)

@Blueeyes32, since you're in med school, you're intelligent enough to read and easily understand the following article. I agree with his closing statement, but with the caveat that people rarely end up with their affair partner--the person they though was their "soul mate"--in the long-term. Those relationships last about as long as a paper napkin up against a burst water pipe, once they're exposed to the pressures of real life.









Is an Affair Like an Addiction?


In this seventh installment of the Marital Labyrinth series, published simultaneously at Psychology Today, Dr Tobin asks whether an affair is like an



www.drmichaeltobin.com


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

Blueeyes32 said:


> *I finish med school in 2024 and do residency in clinic on campus after. *



I call BS on this. 

That's not how it works. 
A 2024 grad would only be a second year medical student at this time.

A second year medical student wouldn't have done any clinical rotations yet, so wouldn't have a sense of his/her clinical aptitude.
Also, a second year student in December 2021 (class of 2024) would not have even taken the USMLE Step 1 exam yet. So he/she would have no idea of how strong/competititve a candidate for a residency slot they would be. 
More importantly, since most residencies use the NRMP Match program, which uses an algorithm to place students into residency programs, it makes no sense for this poster to say that she knows she "will do residency in clinic on campus after." (Match Program: https://www.nrmp.org/intro-to-the-match/how-matching-algorithm-works/ )

What is posted here makes no sense to anyone who knows how the US medical education system works.


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## ocdude (May 27, 2016)

If you r in second year medical school, u should be hella busy, your AP. Most likely is a fellow student or resident/fellow. U r just getting started and you will not have predictable time to spend unless you have a few same rotations next 2 years. Residency depends on where you match. Your spouse will get spousal support for your potential income depending on the state that you live in. Ur chances of a long relationship with the AP is not good. AP’s BS will also seek spousal support. Better think ahead.


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## Megaforce (Nov 12, 2021)

Right, no way is she in med school.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Megaforce said:


> Right, no way is she in med school.


She didn't know the difference between "your" and "you're" so I hope and pray you are right and that this isn't the future of the medical profession.


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## Megaforce (Nov 12, 2021)

Not just the grammar, but the overall lack of intellectual candlepower and low emotional IQ.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

i wonder if "med school", means either nursing college, or maybe just a technical school for medical assistants?

or maybe it is some medical training program in another country, India for example


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Talker67 said:


> i wonder if "med school", means either nursing college, or maybe just a technical school for medical assistants?
> 
> or maybe it is some medical training program in another country, India for example


I’ve heard people who hadn’t even started their first year of an associates say the same. I think many people believe the intention to do something is the same as doing. Just nod and smile.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Like it or not. Spin it how ever you want to.
You are that other woman that destroyed a family. If the cheater never met you he might have been able to fix his marriage. It doesn’t matter what you say now, the damage has already been done.


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

I think OP has left the thread.


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## bricks (Aug 14, 2017)

To an outsider, this is an easy one. To you, clearly it is not. 

You say you do not want to be that person. You are.
You ask how you should end it. Just do it. He knows how to reach you when he has the divorce papers in his hand. No contact until he has the papers. If it is as you think, you will pick up where you left off. Not one good thing can come from you trying to break up but stay in contact but be in love but wait for the divorce but, but, but.

I hate to break it to you, but this man is a liar (and you are one too, but you seem to only be lying to yourself.) He is married and on a dating site. Is he open with his wife about that? Yeah, no. Liar. Now, that does not mean he is lying to you, but you need to break it off so you will sleep soundly the rest of your life.

I would not believe everything he says about his wife, either. It's a trope, but it is true. "my wife is mean. My wife does not understand me. My wife does not pay attention to me."


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Blueeyes32 said:


> I don’t have time for bs now lol med school time consuming and tough. My residency is here since we have to do it at the school clinic. I was asking advice on here in how to end it with him or wait the 12 wks. But I’m leaning more towards ending it now because even if it’s meant to be, I feel when those 12 wks hit and he makes his decision, he knows where to find me but I would need proof of divorce in process or proof he’s separated and moving out. I told him I don’t want to go behind his wife’s back and he shouldn’t either and needs to give her that chance. He’s stuck in the fork in the road righ not contemplating if he’s going to proceed with her after her therapy or end things and be with me.


YOU end it! That’s all there is to it!
Him? He is right where he wants to be.

He’s not even being fair to his wife expecting HER to change and work on the marriage. What a complete coward!

He’s not leaving her. So what she hands him a to do list? Poor baby! 

IF he wanted to end the M he would - and he hasn’t! He thinks having a connection with someone else will fix his M? What a tool.

Pick better after your divorce is final. You aren’t technically available either!


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

For a gal that says she doesn’t want a relationship - you sure are trying hard to keep this unavailable man on the hook.


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