# A soldier's infidelity while deployed.



## Crushed143 (Mar 13, 2009)

I've been married for 12 years. Our marriage started off Rocky. We were young and in highschool, when I got pregnant. We graduated, and he left for bootcamp. I wouldnt marry him, because I felt we needed to be IN LOVE and not doing the marriage thing because of a BABY. After bootcamp he asked me to marry him, when they say the HEART grows founder when apart. It happenned. I fell more in love with this man more then ever.

Our marriage started off great, until I found out he slept with his best friend's girlfriend. His reason, he heard Rumors of me and his bestfriend (my ex boyfriend) were in a relationship while he was in bootcamp. Rumors were untrue, but I understood the things that Drill Instructors did to break the soul of a soldier. A month later, i turned to his bestfriend, for comfort and solace. We were both hurting and I think we both wanted to hurt those two. That ended quickly. 6 Months later, my husband and I decided our marriage was worth it. SO i moved to HI with him, for 2 years, it was nothing but constant distrust of each other. After 3 years, we decided to leave it all behind us and just get a seperation, he was moving to GA and I decided to stay in Cali wth my family. Before moving back to Cali, I found out I was pregnant with our second daughter. In this decision, I could honestly say, I was afraid of what was to come. I didn't know if I could survive being a single parent, at home with my family. with NOTHING. I was 21 yrs old with a 4 year old daughter and another baby on the way. I was living in fear, fear of not being able to support myself, my daughter and this new baby.

In the end, I stayed with him. I moved to GA and for a year things were great. We were starting off new again. We had our 2nd daughter, she was a blessing in disguise. IT made him change for the better, but that was short lived. He began the accussations again, me cheating on him, me not doing enough as a MOTHER or WIFE. It was slow psychological abuse. The undertones in his voice made me HATE who I was as a person. I started to think I was NOT a great MOTHER or a great wife, and that all his hatred for me had findings. There was truth to what he would say to me. I began to feel like I was NOT worht anything to anyone. I did the most awful thing ever, and I look back at it as something that was stupid. I decided to down a bottle of sleeping pills. (wasnt trying to kill myself) but I wanted to sleep all this pain away. After this and counseling, I told myself.. NEVER again would I allow him the power to control the way I felt about myself. I started to exercise, work on the INNER parts of ME. I became stronger, more responsible and became resilient. I took every bad day and turned it into a good day. All his words of hate, I made them words of encouragement. I became a STRONGER person. I started working, doing things I loved. Our marriage was great for 3years. He deployed to Iraq, and again the rumors started, and yet again he believed they were all TRUE. It started again, this time I told him, I was leaving him and that NO matter what I was truthful and honest in our marriage and was doing RIGHT by HIM and our DUAGHTERS... He constantly believed the words of others instead of the words of mine. He came home and I gave him an ULTIMATUM, love me for my faults, my good and me as a whole or DONT love me at all. He chose to work on this marriage again. We moved out and bought a HOUSE. I went back to work and things were great. Although I felt like something was bothering him, I never really looked at it as something "SERIOUS" more like daily stresses of the impending MOVE to a new duty station.

We moved to TN. He stayed here for about 4 months before the rest of us joined him. I was still working and the girls were in school. In the summer we sold our home in GA and we moved here to tn. Moving here was the BIGGEST mistake we ever made, hold on.. buying a HOME in TN was the biggest mistake we ever made. We moved into a HOUSE newly built, but had alot of work that needed to be done. We lived in a hotel room for 3 weeks before deciding that Living in Calif until the house we bought was fixed. In those 3 weeks the stress just piled on. He got orders to deploy to Afghanistan March 08. It was Sept. 07 when we moved in... 6 months later he would be deployed. The financial burden of the house tore him apart inside. Then he was deploying.

6months into the deployment, he hits a rough patch. He goes through horrific battles and patrols, he saw death. he changed. In Aug, I discovered I was sick with a pulmonary embolism (blood clot in lung). I was in the ICU for 4 days, and released, about a month later we discovered lumps in my left breast. In Nov. The decision for surgery was to be made. WHen I informed him, he informed me that HE NEVER loved me and that He felt a divorce was in the impending future. I was devastated, but like a MILITARY WIFE, just chalked this all up to DEPLOYMENT stress, soldiers say and do things they dont mean.

He came home for R&R in Dec. I had 5 surgeries planned for that month, he was here for 45 days. In those 45 days, I found emails and txt messages and phone calls to a woman. Prior to leaving he told me he met a national guard soldier and befriended her. He felt if he could have feelings for her, he knew he didnt love me. He felt he was FORCED to stay Married to me because of our KIDS. And had ONLY loved me as a MOTHER of his daughters, and NOT loved me for ME. 

Now, Im stuck. He will be home in one week, and I dont know how I feel about it. I dont trust him, I dont love him but a part of ME does.

How do you sit here and live in pain, knowing the inflictor is still here? Why do we stay in marriages that are painful? PLease explain that to me? Everytime a friend of mine would tell me about their husbands infidelity, I'd tell them to walk away, but only walk away if they feel that is the right choice in their heart. And here I am .. cant even take my own advice.. why?

In a way, I think he did NOT cheat on me, but he called her evrey day while he was home, I couldnt even find him after surgery, while i was recovering he was talking to her, all along telling me, he wants to work on our marriage.

Where do I go from here? Do i give him another chance? Am i the idiot in this? I feel like a FOOL yet again. Why am I putting myself through this pain?


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

we sometimes stay in marriages because we see it as the easy option, even though its not. 
i think im doing well at times , giving advice and alot i do take. but now and again i slip of my own advice - not for the grass is greener, simply because i dont know why im doing things and sometimes i dont even know if im confused or not.
your the only one who can move or not move out of your situation.
if not now, you might be forced to make a decision in the future.
see how you feel when he returns in a week. once he goes back see how you feel again. # trust is very difficult to get back. although u can get it back with time.


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## Crushed143 (Mar 13, 2009)

For 13 years I did this. Stay because it was the easier OPTION for Me and my kids. Knowing the Army would shuffle my husband around, I figured, he deploys enough, he's always got field problems to deal with, OUR time with each other would be LIMITED, that I could fullfill myself with goin back to school and work. Now I'm 31 years old, and I feel like this is just another Roller coaster ride, but a ride with HIGHER drops. Every day for 3 months, I've told myself, to look at the GOOD make sure that the BAD is always out weighed over the GOOD. And for some reason, I feel like I am execusing his ACTIONS, his disrespect for me by doing this. I just feel, seeing him will solidify my decision to leave him... and Im afraid of that. I do love him with all my heart, but the infidelity the emotional/mental connection he had with this WOMAN, i can't get over or past it.


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## sarah.rslp (Jan 2, 2009)

One of the reasons I left the army was that I thought I was going to struggle to remain faithful to my husband if I stayed in. 

Military enviroments are unique you're in an enviroment where personal relationships can get pretty intense, you live and work with the same people coupled with the fact that you're often seperated for long periods of time from your SO well it doesn't help.

I cheated on two boyfriends when I was in the army. Both times I confessed it to them afterwards told them I was sorry,and that I'd try and make it up to them but that they had to either forgive and forget or we'd end the relationship. Even though I was in the wrong I wasn't prepared for them to bring it up every time we had an arguement. Anywho one bf chucked me there and then and the other relationship ended on good terms a year later.

What I'm saying is you can't leave the whole infidelity thing hanging, or else its just going to poison the relationship. You either have to forgive and forget or just put the relationship out of its misery.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

sarah.rslp said:


> You either have to forgive and forget or just put the relationship out of its misery.


Such eloquence, and so true


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## Crushed143 (Mar 13, 2009)

You're right... Forgive or Forget.. or put it out of its MISERY.. and I've decided to LEAVE. After thinking about this, I don't think this TIME i could forgive him or forget what he did. There's just too much pain inside. The time I needed him the MOST, was the TIMES he usually steps away from ME. When I got a hold of the "OTHER WOMAN" what she said to me was this "IF i had been the WIFE he wanted, instead of the WIFE he needed" "this relationship would NOT have occurred"... SO I guess... What I thought and FELT over the past 13 years was nothing, but lies.


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