# Feeling like a shmuck for giving up on our relationship



## youngidiot (Jan 8, 2013)

I've posted a few times on here already so I will try to keep this shorter (details on other posts). I've been engaged a yr, together 10 and living with each other 7. We have had our ups and downs as described in other posts ranging from cheating, blowouts, resentment , and lack of intimacy. It got to the point where i said i didnt wanna marry her. anyways we finally saw a therapists a few times a month ago and it's really opened up communication between us and our sex life improved somewhat( after spicing up with porn) as well. My biggest problem I still feel is its like she's walking on egg shells to pretend like she's happy, which has been nice but i cant help but think that this is all temporary only to fade back to howe we were pretherapy. Not to mention I feel like we are fabricating our intimacy issues with porn when I feel like that part of a relationship should come naturally. I just feel so lost and confused and its hard to pretend to be happy with our relationship when alls I can think is this marriage may end up being a huge mistake.
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## Ms. What-to-do? (Apr 8, 2013)

*hug* I'm sorry I really don't know what to say other than porn can be a problem and can help... try making your own maybe... so that it is a fun game, write a "script"... laugh... maybe that could help??? But keep with the counsellor. Don't quit that.


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## youngidiot (Jan 8, 2013)

Ms. What-to-do? said:


> *hug* I'm sorry I really don't know what to say other than porn can be a problem and can help... try making your own maybe... so that it is a fun game, write a "script"... laugh... maybe that could help??? But keep with the counsellor. Don't quit that.


Well thanks for the reply anyway. It just scares me that we are just masking our problems. I don't wanna look back someday and think I coulda done something about it before the relationship gets complicated with marriage and children.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Hi, youngidiot!

You're NOT an idiot...an idiot would just BLINDLY keep going and say, "Aw, eff it!" You are SMART enough to QUESTION the benefits of continuing this relationship.

Below is a response I made to ANOTHER poster contemplating leaving his relationship! You need to weigh the pros/cons HONESTLY. Are you in this relationship JUST out of guilt? habit? ennui? (I'm a mom...look it up!) fear of change? other people's expectations? 

I will HONESTLY SAY that if you have to work THIS HARD at your relationship and you're not sure after TEN YEARS that you want to marry her.......then you shouldn't! But process YOUR feelings per the below questions and see where YOU come out. If SHE wants kids, she's used up a decade of her available child-bearing years; if it's not going to work with her, the sooner you move on, the KINDER you are being to HER wherein she will still have time to find another man, marry, have children.

You need to do some serious THINKING. ALONE. I recommend that people take paper/pencil and go OUT OF THE HOUSE to someplace comfortable: park, library, restaurant.

*Do some serious thinking:*

What is GREAT about your current relationship? 
Is it likely to remain great? 
What is BAD about your current relationship? 
Is it something that CAN be fixed? 
Would your spouse be willing to make the changes necessary to fix the problems? 
Are YOU willing to make the changes necessary to fix the problems? 
If you could wave a wand, what would you like your life to look like 5 years from now? The perfect life... 
How about 10 years from now? 
Could these dreams/goals be achieved with your current spouse? 
What about with your current spouse as s/he is RIGHT NOW (without ANY change in their behavior)? 
Lastly, if you KNEW you were going to be dead in 9 months, HOW would you want to have lived the last 9 months of your life? 
...why aren't you?
No-one can answer these questions, but YOU.
There are no "right" or "wrong" answers! You're entitled to feel the way you feel! 

Give it some serious thought. If you're stuck on some point or other, consider a DIFFERENT therapist for a few (2-3) sessions of Individualized Counseling to help you figure out in which direction to take your life.

I will tell you, I had a cousin who lived with a woman. He TOLD HER he didn't want to marry her (shame on her for not believing him!). They were together for TEN YEARS. He decided to move several states away WITHOUT her. He was there only 6 months when he met another woman, married her immediately, they've been married for OVER 20 YEARS, are VERY happy, have two wonderful grown sons. My moral to all this? If it's RIGHT, it's right. If it ISN'T, you can't MAKE it BE right!

Good luck!


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