# Is sex important in a marriage?



## sorry4everything (Nov 23, 2010)

My wife and I have been having problems with our marriage for a while and I have been looking back. I remember when we were going to get married we had to go to meetings before they would marry us. At these meetings they would say that sex is very important to a healthy marriage, he said it like every ten minutes. Now as I read online about it everything basically says that if there is no sex then your marriage is pretty much over. My wife is about 6 years younger than me and she has no sex drive. She used to love having sex and now doesn't care if she does or doesn't. Also while reading a lot of sites everyone is saying like 3-4 times a week is normal, even when we got along it was like once a week. I think that sex makes me feel so much closer to my wife and she says I just want to get off. It is not the getting off part, I can do that myself, it is the love part. People say that they basically force their self to have sex 2-3 times a week because they know it is so important. I just wanted to see what everyones opinion was.


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## peachy20122 (Dec 11, 2010)

Sex is important in a relationship but tend to men it is more important than women. Try other things like cuddling and being more affectionate. Most women want the closeness of intimacy with out having the act of sex.


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

to me sex is important, i only want to cuddle when im sick or im up watching tv :rofl:

if you want to feel closer to your wife, then explain how sex is for you, my h thinks oral is special, and is shared between 2 people commited to eachother...

i never knew that, to me sex missionary is intimate. so we talked and i understand so oral has a different act, not something seedy.:smthumbup:

if you sit down and explain in a calm voice, whats sex mean for you or open the disscussion about what sex means to her and what is intimate to her.

just remember to be calm and dont do this in the bed try tv time or when your alone in the car...

hope this can help....


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## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

Sex is very important. Not having it doesn't mean the end of your marriage though, it's just a sign something else is missing. 

What is missing for her that you can provide that will stimulate her sex drive? Is it more time listening to her? More romance? Does she need to feel more important? 

Unless there is a physical or mental issue such as depression, a woman will open up sexually when her needs are being met in ways she can see and feel them best. So, perhaps put the sex issue aside for a bit and see what she needs to once again open up to you.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

sorry4everything said:


> I think that sex makes me feel so much closer to my wife and* she says I just want to get off.*


Those are words of resentment my friend. Odds are, from her perspective there are other things missing from the relationship, which in turn correspond to low sexual interest or desire.

It's also possible, she simply has a very low sex drive. Although valid, it's an excuse that gets thrown around a little too easily in an effort to avoid doing the work necessary to repair the relationship.

What is your relationship like outside of the bedroom? How do you relate to one another? 

What would you say are the high points and low points of your marriage? How would she answer the same question?


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## Beverley (Oct 26, 2010)

You say that in the beginning sex was really good between you but now your wife seems totally uninterested. I think this is a very big sign that something else is wrong. Sex is very important in a marriage as it's the bond that brings you both together but for women, sex is more of a mental thing than for men and maybe she's feeling that sex is all you are interested in her for?! If you are putting her under a lot of pressure, she is likely to want sex less, not more.

Also, don't pay any attention to what people say is 'normal' for how many times a couple should have sex per week - everyone is different..!


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## chefmaster (Oct 30, 2010)

sorry4everything said:


> I think that sex makes me feel so much closer to my wife and she says I just want to get off.


Sex will make you both feel closer to each other if there is regular missionary position(or other face-to-face contact during sex) along with acts of closeness and caring throughout your normal daily lives.

She's trying to tell you she is losing touch with you. Pull her back.


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

HappyHer said:


> Sex is very important. Not having it doesn't mean the end of your marriage though, it's just a sign something else is missing.
> 
> What is missing for her that you can provide that will stimulate her sex drive? Is it more time listening to her? More romance? Does she need to feel more important?
> 
> Unless there is a physical or mental issue such as depression, a woman will open up sexually when her needs are being met in ways she can see and feel them best. So, perhaps put the sex issue aside for a bit and see what she needs to once again open up to you.


This is very wise advice.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

peachy20122 said:


> Sex is important in a relationship but tend to men it is more important than women. Try other things like cuddling and being more affectionate. Most women want the closeness of intimacy with out having the act of sex.


What planet do you live on? Most women I know, including myself, CRAVE sex like we would food or water. I guess we must be abnormal, because we want much more than affection. I just pounced on Mr.G this morning, after my menstrual week when we take a break from all our fun.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

As far as I'm concerned, if someone has willfully withdrawn from the sexual aspects of marriage, they have already left the marriage. If there is that little desire and that little concern over meeting their spouse's basic needs, what is left isn't a marriage. It's a couple people sharing bills and responsibilities.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I think Sex is very very very important in a healthy marraige. It doesn't matter how much you have sex, how many #'s per week, so long as each partner is satisfied. 

It surely helps to marry a sexually compatable spouse. But as many attest, this often changes after the Wedding vows. So even that can not be counted upon. So in these situations, it helps to be married to someone who truly cares if you are hurting and is willing to do anything on their part to help the situation. Not throwing blame back & force, like women saying "you just want to get off", I see this all the time on here. Shame on those women. They really just don't get it. Your wife needs to read a chapter in this book Amazon.com: Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships (9780393334272): David Schnarch: Books I once was choking up after reading how a MAN feels when his wife no longer desires him.

Nothing at all wrong with HOW you feel, but something very wrong with HER reaction.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

I always thought it was important, but my wife didn't seem to think so. I agree that something was probably missing from the marriage for her that caused her sex drive to be low, but I guess I wasn't smart enough to figure out what it was. I've discovered that relationships, sex, etc, are far more complicated then i ever imagined. I loved my wife for many reasons very much, but I guess I didn't need a lot of emotional things from my wife to want her sexually. She could have called me a low down, lazy, dirty, stupid, egg sucking dog all day long, and then come out and flash her eyes at me and invite me to make love, and I'd be ready in a New York minute. Being that my system worked that way, it was difficult to view otherwise. I guess it didn't work that smoothly with her, though.


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## 40jane (Dec 8, 2010)

Agree with HappyHer!


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## sorry4everything (Nov 23, 2010)

I agree with you southbound I am the same way. I know there we have problems outside of the bedroom and we are working on them. I understand that may have adverse effects in the bedroom. I am just asking in general, what it is like in a "normal" marriage, if there is such a thing. My wife asked me to go to MC with her a couple of years ago because I was the one that didn't have sex with her enough. My personal reason for not having sex with her was my insane work schedule. I was on call 24/7 and I worked 24/7 sometimes, there were times that I would work for 2-3 days straight with no sleep. When I was home and wasn't a zombie from sleep deprivation, I was more than happy to have sex with her. I find my wife very attractive and I love her with all my heart. Another thing is that after our daughter was born there was a decrease as well. She says it is due to her IUD, but I would think that it is that much of a problem then she should have it removed. The sex is not a huge problem right now for me. We have bigger issues that we are working on. We were talking about it the other day and I had said that I read somethings that said a lot of people had sex 3-4 times a week and she laughed at me. She told me to take a survey because she wanted to here it from real people, lol. She's funny


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## richardhogg44 (Dec 13, 2010)

Hi all. I am new here. I think sex is part of life and importance sex in marriage will be more as per the culture and religion.


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## HM3 (Aug 18, 2010)

Hang on a minute. In your previous thread you mentioned you were mean to her, and there were some other issues too. Don't you think it was your attitude towards her that may have caused her to back off? If your wife is not happy with the way you are treating her, then she does not want sex with you. I think you should concentrate on your bigger issues first, and that might help with this one.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Sorry,

You have a wicked schedule and she has an IUD. Despite these inconveniences, you both still need intimacy. When you are working 2-3 days straight, you can still call her or send her text messages, maybe have some flowers delivered. It's harder for some than others to maintain healthy communication. My wife works 1st shift and I either work 2nd or 3rd. When I'm on 2nd, I almost never see her. Cops and soldiers have ridiculous divorce rates and the odd hours and frequent separations are probably partly to blame. When you were dating, you probably found creative ways to communicate with her during those times you couldn't actually see her. I think sex is the symptom and not the main problem. Two people wildly in love will have sex with or without IUDs, exhausted or not, stressed or not. Might there be some resentment building on both sides getting in the way?


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