# Ok for the gander, but not the goose...



## cherokee96red (Apr 23, 2011)

Excerpts from emails between STBXH and me. Discussion about DD (18 yo) going to stay with him for a while. There are a variety of extenuating circumstances concerning her situation in making this temporary move.

Me-

Second, I have no problem with her coming to her father. The problem I do have is that there doesn't seem to be honest thought given to the situation she will be witnessing on a daily basis. Really, do you honestly think it is a good idea to have her residing in a household with her Dad's girlfriend while Dad is still married to her mother? Yes, that is the problem for me. Stop and think if the situation were reversed would you be agreeable to her staying with me and another man while I am still married to you? Be honest. If you say you'd have no problem then you're deluding yourself.


His response

I agree with you I would be upset if tables were turned. 



The term "silver tongued" has been used on more than one occasion (by his brother) to describe him. My gut instinct here is he is just saying what he believes I want to hear. These days, I don't trust him any further than I could pick him up and throw him. Although DD is legally defined as being an adult, I think this arrangement would be less than ideal for her. She doesn't tell me her feelings about this whole situation. She has talked to her brother and he has relayed some things to me. 

Thoughts?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

She is an adult and can see her dad if she chooses to. If you want to tell her your point of view, and that her dad would not like it if the roles were reversed, then do so. Open communication is good.

Has she voiced her opinion about all of this with you? She might not like the situation but still want a relationship with her dad.


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## cherokee96red (Apr 23, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> She is an adult and can see her dad if she chooses to. If you want to tell her your point of view, and that her dad would not like it if the roles were reversed, then do so. Open communication is good.
> 
> Has she voiced her opinion about all of this with you? She might not like the situation but still want a relationship with her dad.


I want both DD and DS to have relationships with their father. I'm not stopping them. I try hard not to let my own opinions about him, what he did, is doing, etc. be expressed to them. They saw with their own eyes what I went through initially.
DD doesn't like to express her opinion to me on these things as it seems she thinks she is 1. shielding me from it (seems to do this more since my brain tumor surgery) and 2. suffers from "ostrich syndrome" ( if it's unpleasant she doesn't want to know about it or deal with it. Ignore it long enough maybe it'll go away.) Except for this specific topic, she tells me everything else, communication is open.

What has me really scratching my head is STBXH's response. Says to me that while he would be angry if the tables were turned, it's not ok for me to be angry at him when that's what he's doing. Savvy?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

cherokee96red said:


> I want both DD and DS to have relationships with their father. I'm not stopping them. I try hard not to let my own opinions about him, what he did, is doing, etc. be expressed to them. They saw with their own eyes what I went through initially.
> DD doesn't like to express her opinion to me on these things as it seems she thinks she is 1. shielding me from it (seems to do this more since my brain tumor surgery) and 2. suffers from "ostrich syndrome" ( if it's unpleasant she doesn't want to know about it or deal with it. Ignore it long enough maybe it'll go away.) Except for this specific topic, she tells me everything else, communication is open.
> 
> *What has me really scratching my head is STBXH's response. Says to me that while he would be angry if the tables were turned, it's not ok for me to be angry at him when that's what he's doing. Savvy*?



Of course, did you expect anything different?


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