# Where to begin and how will it end?



## Drew (Sep 5, 2010)

My wife and I have been together for 8 years, of which we've been married for four. When we met, she was a freshman in college and I was a junior (note: she had said on many occasions that she felt like she had missed out on singled life). 
Throughout our relationship, I always took care of her because money had been tight for her. We did the long-distance relationship thing for two years as she finished undergrad and I got my master's.
The summer after we graduated, we moved from NY to MD so she could get her master's. During our three years down there, I taught middle school and was essentially our only provider (she worked a per diem job). We got engaged in December during our first year in MD and got married in August. 
Over the next two years, our marriage always seemed happy, but there were times when she said she had missed out and did not know what she wanted. After she completed her degree, I told her that I wanted to go back to school and get my JD. She knew it was something that I always wanted to do, and she gave me her blessing.
With that, we moved to MI and have been here for just over two years. During the summer between my first and second years, I went back to NY to intern at a prosecutor's office. My wife had told me that she did not want to stay in MI when I finished and would not mind heading back to NY. Over the course of the 11 weeks that I was in NY, we saw each other around five times, as we were invited to many weddings back in NY and I drove to MI for a weekend.
During my second year, she again told me about her thoughts about feeling unhappy and not knowing what she wanted. I told her that we could go talk to a therapist to try to resolve/reconcile her feelings. She didn't want to go and told me that she knew what they would say (her degree is in clinical psychology) and it would not be beneficial. Like all the previous times this had happened, she told me that she was not thinking straight and was being "stupid."
During the summer between my second and third years, I had the same internship for 11 weeks. Unlike the previous summer, we did not see each other in person at all. We video chatted twice and spoke daily, but our calls only lasted a few short minutes because she said that she did not like talking on the phone like this. 
I returned to MI on Sunday 8/1 at 7. At 10, she told me that she was unhappy and was going to move out. She said that she needed to find what makes her happy and it would take time. I asked her if she had me someone while I was away, and she said she hadn't. There is no reason for me not to believe her. I went through the gamut of emotions and told her that if she needed time that she should take it. I tried to set parameters and told her that if she needed to see people socially to figure out what makes her happy then she should. I don't want to restrict her. She told me she wanted until December. I suggested we and/or she should go to a therapist to try to understand what it is she is missing and how we can make it work. She moved out a week later. 
I haven't contacted her without her contacting me first. I do not want to be intrusive and want to give her space. But it's hard for me to accept that her feelings changed just like that. She insisted that I hadn't changed and still treated her like I did from the beginning of our relationship. 
It's been difficult and I suspect will continue to be hard for quite some time. It's near impossible not to pick up the phone and call her, but I've fought off the temptation thus far. This is especially difficult today, because I was online looking to upgrade my cell phone on our family plan, and I could not resist looking at our phone bills since June. I noticed that one number showed up time and time again for phone calls and text messaging. Suspicious, I was able to figure out that the number went to a guy that she is friends with on facebook. On top of this, while I was out eating with some friends yesterday, I saw her walk by outside with that guy. Obviously, this info is all circumstantial in terms of her cheating on me. However, I cannot shake the thoughts. Should I call her and broach the subject in an unaccusatory manner, or wait until/if we see a therapist? I'm struggling here.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Drew,

It may be circumstantial, but it is showing you something. Don't let her know that you know. Investigate. How frequent were calls and texts. I hate to say it, but no matter what this guy is an impediment to your relationship.

Go to posts written by Affaircare and Tanelornpete regarding things to do and to understand the script that your w will use with you. Go to marriagebuilders.com as well.

Good luck,


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## sadsoul (Aug 10, 2010)

My situation is close to yours. When my wife graduated from med school, we started to grow apart. She started saying she was unhappy. She moved out and I currently don't know what to do. I actually got to go to therapy with her a few times before she moved out. She didn't give the therapy a chance to work. She pretty much gave me the, "I love you but im not IN LOVE with you" excuse. I was going to just give her space and work on making myself better but have recently changed my mind. My wifes family support me and feel like I have to continue to let my wife know that I love her while she is gone. I am still going to therapy by myself. I started to attend church again. Im taking some medication for my depression and it has helped control my mood swings. I don't get as down as I use to. I have a one year old with my wife and usually use the contact I get picking up my daughter to give her a gift. Sometimes I write a letter and hand it to her on the exchange. I try to keep the letter upbeat and let her know that I miss her. When I have my daughter, I may text her a cute pic of my daughter and I playing in our house. I have made her a few cd's that I thought she would like. I don't know if this tactic will work but it makes me feel better at least trying to do something. Just setting in my house and working on myself seems antiproductive. 

Good Luck Man.


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