# Emotional affair



## Jstngill (Jan 5, 2020)

Hello, I’m just going to come out with it I haven’t spoken to anyone about this. I found out my wife is having a emotional affair. The first one was about 2 months ago over Facebook messenger and several phone calls she sent him pictures of her self not sure if nude or not the guy did say he master bated too it. Sent her a picture of his mess. The second time just happened over Christmas they started chatting on Words with Friends. They exchanged text messages emails and they exchanged pictures. One picture she sent was her in front of a mirror in her bra and warmup pants and about 10-15 other pictures. Parts of the text were I think I love you from her I need you OMG your so hot and understanding such a nice person he is. She told him she’s married. I confronted her and of course she said I was having affair that’s why she did it. I told her I’m not here’s my phone she knows all my passwords. She said wouldn’t communicate with him anymore. I found out last night there still emailing each other. Thank you Justin


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Justin, a woman who has done this twice in such a short time has no moral standards or integrity.How long have you been married? Do you have children?


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## Jstngill (Jan 5, 2020)

*Family*

Yes 2 wonderful kids married 19years


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## Bremik (Feb 6, 2009)

The minute she switched it around and said it was because of you and didn't approach answering your confronting tells you it's over.

You have already became second in the marriage with her posts and comments instead of first like you should be. You need to immediately separate from her


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## aquarius1 (May 10, 2019)

Honestly, this is just the beginning.
People like this don't change, they just go further underground.
This is more than an emotional affair.
Do you really want to spend the next 20 years of your life wondering? Why does she do this? Are you not enough for her?
Those are NOT questions that you need to be asking yourself. This is her issue, not yours.
My advice? Unhitch yourself from this wagon IMMEDIATELY.
Get out before most of your life has passed and you are permanently damaged from this.
Find someone who loves YOU for YOU.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Jstngill Sorry you had to seek us out, but glad you found us.

Your wife is a two time cheater. Eventually she may take it physical.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

MattMatt said:


> @Jstngill Sorry you had to seek us out, but glad you found us.
> 
> Your wife is a two time cheater. Eventually she may take it physical.


If she hasn’t already.

Why are you keeping yourself in this? You are the only one who can.

Living on hopium and indecision will just get you more of what you’ve been getting.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

She turned this around on YOU -- that is typical cheater handbook stuff. YOU are the reason she did this, YOU are a terrible husband, YOU are an awful person. It's all bull**** -- just to validate her actions. You don't say how long you have been married, children etc.
FIRST THING -- get to a lawyer and bring all your financial info. They will help you with a plan for your finances, child support/custody, etc..
This will let you know what to expect. Her cheating like this, ESPECIALLY with her reaction, is not going to end well. She is NOT remorseful and just doesn't care. You shouldn't either, and just get out.
EDT: Just wanted to add here -- you need to get with a lawyer to get your plan together -- doesn't mean you have to divorce her -- you can always put that on hold. Bobert is correct -- YOU need to decide what to do here about D or R. You can lay down the law and tell her to stop, but SHE needs to show true remorse. Without that there isn't much hope.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

A decision that you will have to make is whether you will stay or leave. That is your choice and only you can make that choice. There is no rush to make that decision. In fact, I'd encourage you NOT to rush a decision. In the meantime, take care of yourself. It may be a good idea to see a lawyer as well. Most will do free consultations and seeing a lawyer does NOT mean you have decided to divorce. It means you are looking at your options and being prepared.

If you AND your wife want to reconcile, then she needs to acknowledge that it was an affair, accept responsibility, stop blameshifting, show remorse, end the affair, end ALL contact, and send a no-contact letter. Without that, there is no hope. Well, you could stay married and rug sweep to avoid divorce, but that wouldn't be reconciling. 

Let me be absolutely clear here. It is NOT your fault that your wife is having an affair.

Contrary to what your wife may be telling you, whether the affair is physical or emotional, she CHOSE to start the affair and that was NOT her only option. If there are problems in your marriage then she should have brought those to light. If she DID bring them to light and you did nothing about it, she could have filed for divorce. She made the wrong choice, to cheat, and now she is blameshifting.

Put your foot down. Make it clear to her that you are NOT willing to accept this behavior from her and follow through with it. You have to mean it. If you tell her that you will leave if she does not end the affair, you HAVE to mean that and follow through. Do not say things that you have no intention of actually doing.


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## Sparta (Sep 4, 2014)

Time to show her some strength hand her divorce papers.! There’s nothing really else to be said anything else it’s going come off as weak she’s always already proven to you she has no respect and she is going to continue to disrespect your marriage and you. Please implement the 180


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## colingrant (Nov 6, 2017)

You'll have to take strong corrective action immediately. Your wife does not fear losing you or your marriage. You have to move with similar conviction, but with integrity to remedy the problem she's determined to create. If you come soft, she'll clean your f'n clock.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Jstngill said:


> Yes 2 wonderful kids married 19years


Really? When I read your first post, I imagined a woman in her twenties. How old is she, posing in a bra and pants for someone? 

Have you seen a big change in her personality, or has she always been a bit like this? I am wondering if she is having some sort of mental health episode. Although I know I am going to get flak for that on here. It just sounds so stupid. But yeah, if there is repetition and no remorse, you are likely to have to end the relationship.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*Re: Family*



Jstngill said:


> Yes 2 wonderful kids married 19years


You had created another thread to post the above. I think you meant to post it in this thread so I moved you post to this thread.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

Brother, 

TIme to put your big boy britches on and rain hell down on her. First, let her know you will not tolerate such behavior, and consider asking her to leave the house. Tell her you want her to be happy and you are willing to let her go to chase her unicorn. She is a typical cheater trying to blame it all on you.

I would contact other man in front of her and tell him she is all yours. Enjoy! Have a great time! If he is in your geographical area rest assured there is a 99.9% change the relationship has gone physical.

Find yourself a bulldog attorney and know your rights and I would encourage you to have her served. you can always stop the divorce if you see her show actions that reconciliation may be possible. Do not let her get away with blaming you. Cheating is 100% her. You only are responsible for 50% of the marriage.

If reconciliation is your goal, I would strongly encourage you to expose to family and close friends Nothing like exposure to put the damper on an affair. Trust me on that one. Shame if used properly can be an effective weapon. 

Now, do not be passive. Be bold, be strong, and be firm with her. You do not deserve this ****.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Jstngill said:


> Hello, I’m just going to come out with it I haven’t spoken to anyone about this. I found out my wife is having a emotional affair. The first one was about 2 months ago over Facebook messenger and several phone calls she sent him pictures of her self not sure if nude or not the guy did say he master bated too it. Sent her a picture of his mess. The second time just happened over Christmas they started chatting on Words with Friends. They exchanged text messages emails and they exchanged pictures. One picture she sent was her in front of a mirror in her bra and warmup pants and about 10-15 other pictures. Parts of the text were I think I love you from her I need you OMG your so hot and understanding such a nice person he is. She told him she’s married. I confronted her and of course she said I was having affair that’s why she did it. I told her I’m not here’s my phone she knows all my passwords. She said wouldn’t communicate with him anymore. I found out last night there still emailing each other. Thank you Justin


Let me play back what I just read: she's cheated on you _at least_ twice, you've busted her more than once, she's sworn she would stop and hasn't. Her excuse is that you're having an affair, but you're not.

You can't call them emotional affairs because they were overtly sexual. Maybe they didn't have sex...

But they probably did. And there were probably many others that you didn't know about, and you've already given her multiple chances to stop, and she hasn't. I don't think I've ever heard of a woman go from being faithful to suddenly sending sexts and sexy pictures to multiple random guys the next day. In my experience the sexy pictures come _after_ sex, not before.

So here's what you do:

1. call a lawyer, today, and start protecting yourself. Do everything he/she tells you to, even if it overrides my advice here. Don't tell her you're doing it.
2. tell her to leave the house, or at least the bedroom. Your relationship - as it is - is at an end. This doesn't mean that you can't reconcile, but to do so, you're going to have to end this relationship and start a new one.
3. scan in all important documents, take any heirlooms and sentimental or high value items that are just yours out of the house. Store them at the office or with a friend. Back up any evidence you have of the affairs on a flash drive and do the same.
4. be gone a lot.
5. get an STD test and tell her you're doing so.

Here's what you don't do:
1. Cry in front of her, comfort her if she cries, accept any apologies from her... essentially seek or provide any emotional support from or to her whatsoever.
2. Discuss anything but logistics of your life. Don't explain what you're feeling. Don't tell her what you are doing or what you are thinking. Be Mr Spock - provide facts and that's it. "Why aren't you being nice to me?" gets a response like: "Because you betrayed our marriage." and then just walk away.
3. By any means have sex with her.
4. commit to reconciling.
5. ask her who/what she's been doing. Act like you DGAF, because at this point, you really shouldn't.


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## Buffer (Dec 17, 2019)

Do not let her turn this around on you.
It is her deliberate action that has led to this. She took the photos, she chatted and emailed him. How can this be on you?
Make her responsible for her actions, seek legal advice, know your rights and entitlements.
Cancel all joint accounts and credit cards only take half of all monies.
Get her out of your bedroom, start the 180 now, communicate through text if possible and carry a VAR when talking with her so no false accusations can be made against you.
Exercise, drink water, eat healthy, talk to the family pet they never give bad advice.
It is up to you what you accept in your life.
One day at a time. 

Buffer
The truth will set you free.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Jstngill said:


> Hello, I’m just going to come out with it I haven’t spoken to anyone about this. I found out my wife is having a emotional affair. The first one was about 2 months ago over Facebook messenger and several phone calls she sent him pictures of her self not sure if nude or not the guy did say he master bated too it. Sent her a picture of his mess. The second time just happened over Christmas they started chatting on Words with Friends. They exchanged text messages emails and they exchanged pictures. One picture she sent was her in front of a mirror in her bra and warmup pants and about 10-15 other pictures. Parts of the text were I think I love you from her I need you OMG your so hot and understanding such a nice person he is. She told him she’s married. I confronted her *and of course she said I was having affair* that’s why she did it. I told her I’m not here’s my phone she knows all my passwords. She said wouldn’t communicate with him anymore. I found out last night there still emailing each other. Thank you Justin


"of course she said I was having affair"

Could you expand upon that a bit? "Of course" implies something has gone on prior. Accusations, circumstances, whatever. Sounds like there's a history. Has she brought that up before?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Jstngill As an emotional affair is still an affair I have moved your thread to Coping With Infidelity.


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

Every spouse has a right to feel safe from infidelity. Your wife has failed. 

You need to take strong decisive action immediately. Her behavior is very serious because texting is an addiction (and will escalate). She will not stop voluntarily so be prepared to take decisive action. Since you caught her she will now take her sexting underground using apps that auto delete texts and pics.

Texting makes her feel special/young/pretty/sexy in a way that you can not. NOTE: you as a husband can't compete with the high she gets from texting. Texting/sexting triggers the same chemical response in the brain as coke (something she can't get from a husband). 

Find out 'who' the OM is and if he's married. If so, inform his wife (without warning your wife in advance).
Bring all social pressure to bear by exposing your wife's sexting to friends and family (and don't warn her in advance).

The most successful strategy is not intuitive (i.e., being understanding or nice and/or patient does not work). 
Whether your initial reaction is to D or R, your actions are pretty much the same:

1 - do not try to be extra nice or understanding but be civil and businesslike (don't cry or beg in front of her)

2 - inform her that you have zero tolerance for her behavior and are moving towards divorce immediately (regardless of whether it's true). In the interim she can prove to you that's she's a safe partner. Since she's deceitful and an addict, her promises mean nothing so focus only on her actions.

3 - you should be tested for stds, speak to an attorney about how D will impact you, 

4 - move to another bedroom, stop being her buddy/friend/husband until you see actual change 

5 - insist she (and you) read "Not Just Friends" by dr shirley glass

6 - she needs to immediately go cold turkey with social media, internet games, or other Internet recreation (no secret passwords)

7 - she needs IC to fix herself (MC comes later)


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Is there physical proximity to these guys? If so, this is a PA not EA. She likely only admitted to what you already knew.

She did the old reverse blame on the you, oldest trick in the book.

Do not be weak. She needs massive consequences, likely divorce.

Don't go into reconciling without exhausting the evidence search, she has to admit it for you to forgive it.

She sounds like an unremorseful cheater, she's probably been doing this type of thing for a long time.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

He’s probably married you have enough info with his phone number, etc.

The very first thing you should do is inform his wife.

Better get that done posthaste.


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## shortbus (Jul 25, 2017)

Historical uses of the F-bomb.
Gen. George Custer, 'That's a lot of ****in' Indians!'.
Capt. of the Titanic, 'Iceberg? What ****in' iceberg?'
Mayor of Hiroshima, 'What the **** was that?'

This isn't her first, or second ****in' rodeo.


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

Jstngill, you're in good hands here. Listen to the advice. I'd bet that this isn't the only time. Dig deep and start the 180.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

I can tell you from my own experience that what you do know of your WW transgressions are probably on 20% of what she has done. Cheaters are known for covering their tracks. You are only going to get trickle truth from here on out. You have to make a hard decision right now, leave and build a new life for yourself or stay and suffer for years.


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## Buffer (Dec 17, 2019)

Let’s get this going. 
She and you need to be tested for STDs and STIs, cheaters lie, I don’t trust what she says.
Separate all accounts, take half only of all joint accounts, Seek legal advice for your location, you need to know your rights and responsibilities. 
Does WW want to remain married or is she re writing the marriage to Justify her actions, by stating you were or are having a affair?
You need to look after yourself, IC, exercise, no booze or drugs, drink heaps of water and talk over all issues with the family pet as they will never give you bad advice. Don’t have one? Get a gold fish 🐠.
Pull back on the relationship and start the 180 now, she may be using this as her exit A. 
Take your time with the relationship you don’t need to tell her you want to R or D.
Gather all information you need to help you, if she is reluctant to help or won’t hand over relevant messages, photos burner phones etc. She wants out.
One day at a time and her truth will set you free.
Buffer


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