# Devastating News



## jack2010 (Jul 6, 2010)

My wife of 7 years told me a few weeks ago that she had a one night stand. I am in the military and can't help when I am deployed. After talking with her it is obvious that she felt like a single mother since I was gone for so long but that doesn't help me to feel any better. I don't understand how I was able to behave myself while on deployment and be thinking about her and she could turn around and have a one night stand with another man. She kept this secret for 3 years before telling me about it and I am out to sea again for 2 more months and can't really do anything about it. She says that she is sorry and is willing to go to counseling but I am having a really hard time trusting her while I am gone from home. When I ask her over the phone about details she gets angry and tells me to get over it since it was in the past. Over the past few weeks she has been pointing out my flaws and when I do the same to her she gets upset and shuts me down. I am having a really hard time trying to deal with this when I cant sit fact to face with her and talk about it. Is it normal for a woman who has a one night stand to become so defensive and refuse to answer questions? After all, she is the one that told me about it or I would have never known. She has also told me to go out and have a one night stand so that we would be even. I can't see how this would make us even since it is her break in my trust that is causing the hurt. Any advice anyone can give is greatly appreciated.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

Hi there Jack2010,
I feel for you and your situation, must be tough trying to solve a problem from a distance.....
what prompted your wife to tell you about this in the first place...
you are at the beginning of the grieving stages of this kind of info.....
It's like the death, really a death of your relationship as you know it....there are a few stages to go through, 
She should answer your questions I if you want answers, make sure she knows you need to know so you can make a informed decision about what you want to do.
Whatever you do, don't have a one night stand yourself, why so you can put more of a hurt on the situation.
You have to decide if you can forgive her or if this is enough to break your bond with her.....
she points out your flaws to justify her behavior, it's never right to have sex with someone else if you are married......
What is she suppose to say to you......she needs and excuse.....
It will take time to re-build the trust between you and it will be a lot easier if she puts a plan in to place so she will never put herself in that position ever again......
She should be transparent with all her communication with others and she should be truthful with you about her whereabouts at all times.....
then work on the marriage meet each others needs the best you can and make a decision to make things great between you.....
good luck


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## jack2010 (Jul 6, 2010)

Jessi,
Thanks for the advice. She decided to tell me about the affair because she was feeling guilty and said she is trying to get her life right in the eyes of God. I feel that she did it mostly to make herself feel better and didn't really care about the damage that it would do to me (especially since I couldn't come home and talk to her face to face). She has agreed not to go out to any bars or clubs unless I am there with her and she says that she will not drink unless it is around me. She was hanging out with single and divorced women and drinking at bars and clubs when this happened. A huge part of me finds it hard to trust her when she says this and when I am deployed it is even worse.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

I would look at her confession as a positive thing, for her, for your marriage, she wants to be honest with you even though that hurts.
Forgiveness is a hard thing to get to but it is for you as well as her....
I went to a therapist right after I found out and he told me not to try to fix things all the time and not to make any decisions when I wasn't emotionally in the right place to do so.
He told me to mull things over, take a good look at the marriage and what was wrong and my part in all that.
Accept my responsibility in that and have an understanding of how an affair may have happened, being a smart woman I can acknowledge my mistakes......
He told me in no way was I responsible for my husband's decision to have an affair, he took the selfish way out, instead of doing the work to fix the marriage he decided that this was what he should do.
The affair has changed us forever and he truly regrets that now....
He has cried more than I have, he now sees what he did was wrong and pointless, he himself doesn't know why that was more important than keeping his wife and family safe from all the pain we have felt.....
All that doesn't change the enormous pain I have felt in all this and the fact the our marriage vow means nothing now....it's no longer something sacred between us and never will be.......we have been together 26 years.....
I'm just trying to understand for the time of the affair that he just wasn't in love with me and that he was capable of making decisions that hurt me, my emotions were not safe with him and will they ever be totally? How could they be........
She needs to exactly what she says, not put herself in any kind of position that will potentially lead her to the same scenario.....
Work on filling her needs and trying to understand that this didn't have anything to do with you it was about her and her weakness as a person of commitment........
Watch her, give it some time, if you see she is committed, forgiver her and have a happy life........
You are one of the lucky one where there doesn't seem to be an emotional attachment to the OM......
My actually told me he told his OW that he loved her......this is something I know all affair Babble but hard to take no less.....
I think my life now will be different and filled with a lot of understanding and control.......


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Thank her for telling you, and then explain that while it's old news to her, it will take you several months to get past the shock stage. Then tell her that if she is not willing to stand by you as you process her betrayal, then maybe you don't belong married. After all, that is what it should be - if she won't or can't do that, then you don't have a real marriage, but a convenience. 

How she responds should tell you what to do.


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## jack2010 (Jul 6, 2010)

Thank you all for your advice on my situation. I believe that she is committed to making the marriage work as am I. Has anyone heard of counseling making the situation worse? Part of me is scared to go to counseling for the fear of picking at a wound and not letting it heal.


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

> Thank you all for your advice on my situation. I believe that she is committed to making the marriage work as am I. Has anyone heard of counseling making the situation worse? Part of me is scared to go to counseling for the fear of picking at a wound and not letting it heal.


Depends on the counselor. A good one will help heal. A bad one will keep the troubles going to keep the flow of income. Troubles are a gold mine for an unscrupulous counselor.


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