# What/When/How to tell kids



## PM720 (Oct 10, 2012)

Ok so I am down the home stretch. Less than two weeks away from mediation. Hopefully, we will come to an agreement and we can finally move on.

I guess my question is this:

What/When/How do I tell the kids? (S5, D3)

Their mom and I have a lot of trouble communicating. I have been trying to go NC except for anything regarding the kids. I feel this is the best path.

What I want to do is wait until a week or so before I am going to move to tell them. Somewhere in that time frame. My plan would be to sit them down (me and mom together) and tell them something like "Mommy and Daddy fight a lot. That isn't good for you guys. We love you guys so much and care about you so much." "Daddy is going to a new house and you guys will have two homes. Sometimes you will be with dad and sometimes with mom. We love you so much." Then I would leave it open for questions. 

How does that sound?

I would probably tell them I love them like 20 times throughout the whole thing, just want to make sure they know it has nothing to do with them and that we care about them.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I have been dreading this since the moment we knew it was happening. Thank you


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

I have a 7 and 4 year old and we sat down as a united front and told them things a lot the same lines. We as a family actually helped him move into his apartment. We helped him get it set up and bought some new things and helped the girls pack some stuff to take over there . We just keep telling them that thi has nothin to do with them, this is between mom and dad . My heart broke that night, I threw up after they went to bed!!! As a mom it really and truly hurt me to see my girls hurting!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TNman (Dec 24, 2012)

Well I didn't have to decide on when and how to tell the sons 12&17. She told them she was divorcing me at least a month before she told me! How is that for an ultimate betrayal? So I was marginalized even more and made insignificant in their eyes-living my happy life not even knowing Armageddon was coming- but my kids did. Why oh why do I still feel love for this woman? And I feel the whole family is divorcing me-in effect they are. No wonder I am so f'ing devastated!


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

Mine are the exact same age, OP. 5 daughter, 3 son though. Daughter knows something isn't right. I've been staying with my parents instead of at the house, on weekends. I stay in the town I work at 90 miles away from my house on weekdays. Wife stays in our house and watches the kids during the week. 

I have been preparing the kids, well, mostly my daughter, for what is about to happen. My son is still a little young.

Because we will be selling our home, I told them that Mommy and Daddy can't afford the house, so we are going to be staying with Grandma and Grandpa (my parents) while Mommy gets a smaller house (an apartment). I am trying to just set it up like it is normal at this point in time for a mom and dad to not be together. 

Even as I say this, it is h3ll on earth for me to try and accept. 

TNman, that is horrible... I can't decide if that is worse or having gone on for 2 years believing we were fixing things while she was just planning to leave me... 

I think either way is just horrible. I'm sorry you are going through that.


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

I have a S6 and D3 and handled it about like you did. Just reinforce the fact that it has nothing to do with them. You and Mommy have grownup problems and cannot live together anymore.


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## PM720 (Oct 10, 2012)

I appreciate all the advice everyone. I am hoping maybe the scenario in my head ends up being worse than reality. I guess we'll see. I'll do my best. It's all I can do.


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

I am praying for strength. I don't wish that on my worst enemy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

Don't tell them about the fighting.. i used "not getting along" when i told my girls

I set them down on my knee (D12,D8) and said. I think you both know that Mommy and Daddy aren't getting along very well. Mommy is gonna stay somewhere else now but you will still see her and she loves you very much.

I never talked about Divorce until a few months in and only to the oldest. At one point I talked to the oldest about the fact that at some point other people would come into our lives and but everyone would still love each other. 

"Just because we live apart never means that they don't love you, it just means they need to be happy somewhere else but think of you every minute."

I bawled my brains out and so did the kids but my oldest told me "that's OK dad.. we're a team.. we'll make it" I was heartbroken for my girls.

Make sure you are calm, NEVER say anything bad about the other person no matter how mad you are and think about what you are gonna say.


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

My oldest said something like getting a boyfriend, and I had to explain that I am not ready to move on with someone, mind you she is 8
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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

Mom will always be your mom and loves you very much.
Dad will always be your dad and loves you very much.
This is not your fault.
This is what it will happen:
This is how it will be similar:
This is how it will be different:
It's ok to be sad, mad, etc. You can talk to us about it.
Any questions are ok to ask.
We love you and always will. That will never change.
This is not your fault.


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## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

zillard said:


> Mom will always be your mom and loves you very much.
> Dad will always be your dad and loves you very much.
> This is not your fault.
> This is what it will happen:
> ...


This sums it up pretty well. I just told my children two weeks ago. I started with bullet points much like this. The only thing I added was that I wanted them to know that I did everything I could to save our marriage. I also told them that STBXWW no longer loved me and did not want to be married. I realize that this may be controvertial but I was not going to take the blame for her choices in their eyes. I did not mention her affair or Posom. My oldest son. confronted me the next day...he had figured that she was cheating and started asking very specific questions. He is 19 so I answered them honestly. He is very disappointed with her right now. This is sad because he is her biological son...not mine. I adapted. him at her request many years ago.


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

We did add that D6 was the best part of our marriage.


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## PM720 (Oct 10, 2012)

I have IC on Thursday. Hopefully she will give me a few ideas and let put my mind at rest. Still I think this will be the hardest thing I have ever done.


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

I was very apprehensive and anxious before telling my daughter, even though I had spoken to two ICs about it, read a bunch of books and articles and even wrote out a sample script to practice. 

It was difficult, but is was soooo much easier and went much more smoothly than I expected it to. She teared up a little but really didn't break down like I expected her to. She did express anger and sadness but mostly just had a ton of questions about her toys, art in her room, what would be in mom's new apartment, etc. 

Expect a lot of technical details and be prepared to discuss how her schedule and routine will change as those questions will probably come first. 

Also - it will be ok. You will probably have more emotional turmoil than the kids. They'll need time to process what you are telling them while you are already grieving.


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

My girls asked me more questions then h and I was very upfront about things to a point. I let them know I was upset and hurting to and that it is ok to feel these things! Also said I am here to listen to anything you feel the need go say! My girls are not very vocal with him for some reason !
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Serenity_Prayer (Oct 31, 2012)

You are on the right track, but at that age they won't really get it until one of you moves out. My kids are 6 and 10. The 10 year old understood. The 6 year old didn't at first, then was sad about daddy moving away. We did it pretty much as you described. Kids cried for a good 20 minutes, but then calmed down. The 10 year old asked a lot of questions, and from time to time random comments and questions come as they try to sort things out. I get most of the questions so I told them daddy and I will be friends, and we are civil for the most part, but some days it's REALLY hard not to say anything negative about him when they ask pointed questions. After all, if there was nothing negative to say, we wouldn't be here!

In a nutshell: Worst. Day. Ever. Everything else about the divorce is easier.


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