# Sex toys/fantasies



## Iamhere (Aug 13, 2019)

Hi. Unfortunately, I'm not happy in my marriage for several reasons and sex is one reason. I have to use sex toys everytime to get me in the mood to have sex with my husband of 6yrs. We're both 35 with 2babies under 3yrs old, and the lack of sexual passion/drive towards him has nothing to do with having kids because it's been like this after being married for ONE year. I stayed married to him because I thought things would get better...but didn't. 

I havtouse sex toy in order to be with him. I RARELY want him but I LOVE the way sex feels so I don't turn him down. I fantasize about other men while having sex because that's the only thing that'll get me through it. Am I too young to have to fantasize about other men EVERYTIME (I'm not exaggerating...I've never been mentally present with him. I've tried NOT to fantasize...I've tried REALLY hard, but then I don't enjoy him and sex starts to hurt). Any advice? He doesn't believe in therapy, and I've told him everything about how I feel...


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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

I don’t think it’s a problem that you’re fantasizing about other men every time. (I’m not religious, so I don’t worry about “committing adultery in your heart.”) However, I wonder:

Were you ever sexually attracted to him? If so, what changed?

Does he give you orgasms or do you need to use a toy? Does he perform cunnilingus on you? Does he give you vaginal orgasms?

What changes (if any) could he make to become more sexually attractive to you? (Fit body, hygiene, cologne, acting more assertive, becoming interesting and having interesting opinions/conversation, etc.)

Has he lost attraction to you and that’s caused him to not try anymore? Have you let yourself go?

BTW, kudos for telling him how you feel. It’s important to be on the same page, even if the information might sting. Honesty is critical, IMHO.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

I am,

One your first post you stated that your husband doesn't protect you, if this has something to do with your on going issues help us by telling us. If you can.


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

Oh boy.....this relationship is likely doomed......


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## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

How did this situation start? 
Is there something about him that he could change that is causing this? 
If he cannot change, how did you end up marrying him? 

When mentally with another man, what is it about that other man that gets you going that is different from your husband? 
Are these other men people you know or are they imaginary (ideal man type)?

What do you suppose therapy could do? Is it therapy for him or for you?


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Iamhere said:


> Hi. Unfortunately, I'm not happy in my marriage for several reasons and sex is one reason. I have to use sex toys everytime to get me in the mood to have sex with my husband of 6yrs. We're both 35 with 2babies under 3yrs old, and the lack of sexual passion/drive towards him has nothing to do with having kids because it's been like this after being married for ONE year. I stayed married to him because I thought things would get better...but didn't.
> 
> I havtouse sex toy in order to be with him. I RARELY want him but I LOVE the way sex feels so I don't turn him down. I fantasize about other men while having sex because that's the only thing that'll get me through it. Am I too young to have to fantasize about other men EVERYTIME (I'm not exaggerating...I've never been mentally present with him. I've tried NOT to fantasize...I've tried REALLY hard, but then I don't enjoy him and sex starts to hurt). Any advice? He doesn't believe in therapy, and I've told him everything about how I feel...


So you've told us how you cope with the sex issue. I'm guessing the other reasons may be the most-important. What else is making you unhappy in your marriage? What do you not have control over that you wish you did?

And by the way, there are many, perhaps a HUGE number of guys here on TAM that would love for their wives to have to self-motivate to get into having sex, because at least their wife would be enjoying it. There's nothing wrong with toys. The fantasy stuff could get out of hand and depending upon the partner, its discussion could be humiliating and lead to many problems elsewhere.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Iamhere said:


> Hi. Unfortunately, I'm not happy in my marriage for several reasons and sex is one reason. I have to use sex toys everytime to get me in the mood to have sex with my husband of 6yrs. We're both 35 with 2babies under 3yrs old, and the lack of sexual passion/drive towards him has nothing to do with having kids because it's been like this after being married for ONE year. I stayed married to him because I thought things would get better...but didn't.
> 
> I havtouse sex toy in order to be with him. I RARELY want him but I LOVE the way sex feels so I don't turn him down. I fantasize about other men while having sex because that's the only thing that'll get me through it. Am I too young to have to fantasize about other men EVERYTIME (I'm not exaggerating...I've never been mentally present with him. I've tried NOT to fantasize...I've tried REALLY hard, but then I don't enjoy him and sex starts to hurt). Any advice? He doesn't believe in therapy, and I've told him everything about how I feel...


Different people have different "modes" of sexuality according to psychology. They are as follows:

Sensation based - think of a tantric person doing a massage and focusing on how it feels. Often these individuals may be polyamorous as experiences are not focused on any single partner. 
Partner based - two people that focus on truly knowing one another. Often these individuals are very monogamous as the relationship involves exclusivity. 
Role play - folks that enjoy to pretend to be others to enhance lovemaking. These individuals are most often monogamous because a good partner can role play anyone the other partner chooses want. 

It kind of sounds to me as if society has taught you that all relationships must be "partner based" and you are suppressing a desire for your natural mode of lovemaking which could be that of someone that enjoys "role play."

I could be wrong, but something to think about. Unfortunately if your partner is someone into "partner based" lovemaking, the notion of "role play" will not be compatible or else he may feel like you do not love him since he has to pretend to be someone else. Meanwhile some folks thrive on exactly that. 

Some further reading: 14 Tips for Role-Playing With Your Husband Without Feeling Awkward | CafeMom

Regards, 
Badsanta


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