# I’ve cheated on my husband of one year and regret every minute.



## prayingforamiracle

I…. Don’t know what to say for myself. There is nothing to say to make this better. But I desperately need help on what to do.

I’m 21 years old. I married my high school sweetheart last year. We’ve been married for one year. He’s 22.

We started dating in 2016. He was my first boyfriend. We broke up for a while because I was scared of a relationship. I was the one who broke us up. He understood and left me be. I then dated a girl for over a year and was actually engaged to her (stupid I know.) I broke up with her due to her getting into witchcraft (I am a devout Christian and this contradicts my faith heavily). Also because I felt wrong about being in a homosexual relationship. My family never knew of this taking place and still don’t. After that, I took a break and got close to God. He brought my husband to me. We rekindled our relationship and got back together. We’ve been together ever since. After one year of dating, I cheated on him with a guy in the theatre I’m involved in. Never had sex, just hand jobs and make outs. It lasted about a week. I felt horrible and told the guy I couldn’t do it. He was telling me he loved me and all that, I never felt that for him. He cussed me out on the phone, called me a ***** and said he’d make sure I never had a place in that theatre again. Never the less, I was through. I confessed to my now husband this at school. It hurt him but he forgave me the same day. Things were great once more.

Another year passes, and I’m in another show at the theatre. My husband is too. I get a lead role and I get close with my male counterpart in the show. I liked talking to him and he was nice to dance with. The funny thing is, my husband played the suitor for my character in the show and the guy played my character’s love interest. We had more rehearsals together and became close overtime. All of a sudden, one night he reaches out to me in Facebook dms and sends a funny video. I found it odd, but liked that he wanted to talk to me. He had a girlfriend at this time and I was engaged. We had pretty clean conversation, and never really talked dirty. But he then invited me to come and hang with him at his apartment. I was starting to fall for him. He was tall, handsome, and interesting. We hung out and got intimate really fast. I liked it. It lasted maybe a week or two. We hung out again and slept together. It was 2 in the morning when I woke up after the fact. I was living with my folks at the time. We met up once again and did it again. I was emotionally and physically involved with him. I even debated leaving my husband for him. He didn’t feel the same. He said he couldn’t do it anymore. We stopped. We both agreed to tell our so’s. I told my husband and it shattered him. He was furious and broken hearted. He smacked me and choked me. This is the only physical altercation I have been in with him. He’s not abusive. I deserved every bit of it. He took the engagement ring and told me to leave his apartment. He had me stuff all my things I had there into the closet in the hall. He said to give him a week and he would see how he felt. I was broken. I couldn’t believe I did what I did. The whole week I cried everyday and wrote him letters about how I felt. I was genuine repentant. I went to the apartment to pick something up and I knew he was there. I had to see him. He let me in and looked absolutely haggard. Poor thing. I regret that heavily. We spoke and he decided to give me a chance. He said if I did it again, he’d be done.

We get married the next year, 2020. It was a beautiful wedding. Absolutely perfect. But you need to know one thing, I grew up in an abusive household, and my parents did not approve of my husband and I’s engagement. We dated three years, got engaged, and married a year to the date of or anniversary after. It’s been 5 years total now. I got kicked out over it in November, directly after we had dealt with my cheating. He never did a thing wrong, they even took him with us on several vacations. He’s a firm believer in Christ as well. They were mad because he didn’t ask for my hand from my dad. He knew my sad was going to say no and tell me about it, spoiling it. My parents didn’t pay a dime for any piece of my wedding. My mother made me later to my own wedding being hungover. It was a small but intimate ceremony

We celebrated our one year anniversary this year. Now the last time. The same first guy and I had been involved in a play together. He was assistant director and I was a lead role. Towards the end of the show we started texting. It got a bit graphic. No photos or anything, just dirty talk. I told myself Id never actually do anything I texted him. I just liked that kind of attention, being desired that way. This went on and I put a halt to it. Then I texted him again. Then I got intoxicated at the cast party and told him to meet me somewhere. We met up, kissed, no sex. He has a girlfriend. Then the next time we met was weeks later. I went to his house and we were alone. He wanted sex, I did not cave. We got close but did not due to me saying no. After this, I told him I couldn’t message him anymore and that I didn’t want to betray my husband. He understood. At the time, I was getting into drinking and smoking with some friends at a mutual friend of ours’ house. He would be there of course. We always had this energy there that was hard to ignore, and being under the influence didn’t help my case. We messaged again occasionally. I tried not to get back into sexual talk with him. I was scared though. I felt like I needed to make sure he would keep all of these occurrences to himself, thus why I was speaking to him again. I felt pressured to continue due to my fear. The last time that we met was weeks later. I messaged asking if he wanted to meet. He asked if we would finally do it. I said “maybe” but internally, I said no. I got drunk before we met up and thats why I caved in to sex with him. I didn’t feel the pain and guilt of it til a day later. I ended things and we both mutually agreed to keep it to ourselves with no evidence.

I went cold turkey with him for a few weeks, occasionally texting when the guilt got to me. My anxiety has been worse than ever. It’s hard to sleep and eat. It’s been 3 months since the incident and I had gotten better except for when I met with him one last time. I kept my distance from him and we just talked. I told him my heart couldn’t take betraying my husband anymore. I had gotten better with my anxiety at this point but it resurgent heavily after this meeting. This was roughly two weeks ago. I’ve been doing my best to be a better wife to him, and it’s working. He says I’m better than I was those three months ago. I’ve vowed to myself and him not to hang with that crowd nor be associated with the theatre anymore. I don’t want to drink around anyone but my husband now.

Im scared. I love him deeply, I don’t want to hurt him.This could never be an excuse, but I did wish he’d be more sexual with me. He’s usually tired after work and never wants to have sex. And when he does, I sometimes don’t want it. I’ve been trying to be better in all aspects for him. He says I’ve been perfect these past few months. He’s been happy.

I want to do the right thing. I’m scared of both possibilities, telling him or not. I’ve been advised by those on quora saying in the majority that I shouldn’t tell him. I’m just… scared. I feel disgusted with myself for betraying his trust. He never ever deserved such a wench like me. It kills my knowing how I’ve broken a vow. I want to do what is best for my marriage.

I prayed for God to forgive me and give me courage to do whatever the right thing is for this. I pray for my marriage to survive, no matter what I’m called to do. I’ve learned my lesson this time. I feel like him forgiving me has made me feel like I can do it and it be okay. But keeping this secret? It’s kept me from ever even dreaming of doing something like this again. I feel like it keeps me accountable. Not a day goes by that I don’t feel the guilt and remorse for what I’ve done. I feel horrible. My husband has had too much trauma in his life, his father passed when he was 10 and ive caused all the other heartache already, I don’t want to break his heart. I’m terrified. I will do whatever it takes to get our marriage where it needs to be. I believe marriage is for life, there’s no one else I’d rather spend the rest of my life with.

Edit: wow… this community is cold blooded. I guess I can’t blame you. Thanks for the horrible honesty, it barely made a dent.

I wrote this so detailed in each part because I felt it would be helpful when advising me. I take no pride in any of these encounters, they have been the darkest days of my life.

perhaps you’re all right, I should toss in the towel for my marriage. But I just… I don’t know about that. I know I’m a nasty disgraceful sinner to all of you, I see that and I see it in myself first and foremost as well. I want help. I am confused, hurt, and scared. I hate myself. And I’m praying for a miracle over my circumstances. I know what I’ve done is a sin. A horrible one, I know that full well thank you. It’s never okay. I just want to fix things. I want to do my best. I’ve come to this resolution alone.


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## GusPolinski

Geez.

Just divorce.


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## GoldenR

You're a serial cheater. You will NEVER stop. Never. No matter who you're with, you will cheat. 

Divorce your H. Give him a chance at finding a real life and real love. Bc you don't care about him or his feelings, and you damn sure don't respect him. 

You don't know how to love. Be single and have sex with everyone. 

You can both be happy that way.

And there's no one else you'd rather spend your life with? How about the 3 guys that you've chosen OVER your husband. Surely they are your first 3 choices. Otherwise, why choose them over him, over and over again?


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## SRCSRC

All you seem to do is cheat. You continue to put yourself in ridiculous situations and then ultimately cheat. You are very young, immature, and broken. You certainly should not be married to anyone. Maybe one day, but it will take tremendous work on your part to be a safe partner for someone. Tell your husband that you cheated again. Divorce him. The fact that he has been violent with you is terrible. You should probably have someone there to stop him from getting physical when you tell him what you have done. Your marriage is very short and is not worth saving. I doubt it can be saved given the fact you can't stop cheating and he is physically abusive.

You must divorce him and move on. He is physically abusive and you are a cheater. That is a terrible combination. Whether you will ever be a decent partner is up to you. You need intensive therapy with someone versed in infidelity to get to the bottom of your behavior.


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## Evinrude58

Great story of being faithful to him for “a whole year”.... after cheating on him twice. That’s a long time to be faithful! I don’t know how you did it.... He should totally take you back and forgive you. I mean, you were faithful for a whole year after all.


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## Captain Obvious

Good lord. Divorce already. Devout Christian serial cheater?? You do know that not committing adultery is one of the 10 Commandments?


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## jjj858

Now that’s what I call yikes. You’re obviously young and immature and not ready to be in a committed relationship. You have no self control and can’t help yourself when it comes to attention from another man. You will continue to repeat this pattern. Quit trying to hang on to your husband as your fall back stable guy. You keep betraying him over and over. He’s a fool to keep putting up with your crap.


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## Diana7

Please tell your husband so he can find a wife who is faithful and has integrity.
Your lifestyle doesn't reflect your Christianity at all. Barely married yet cheated 3 times? Through your adultery you have effectively shattered the covenant of marriage. Surely you know the seriousness of this?

If you REALLY love him you will not stay. Tell him and end this sham. Lying is wrong as is deception. You know that.
Plus you may have given him an std.

His life with be completely miserable if you stay married to him.

Once he has ended this marriage please spend many years growing up and get some good Christian accountability before you date again.


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## Evinrude58

Consider having your friend who is a witch, give you some of that love potion number 9.


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## Dictum Veritas

There is nothing Christian in Adultery. Tell your husband the truth, do him the last favor of giving him back the agency to make an informed decision about his own future with all the ugly facts (nothing hidden) laid out in front of him.

By keeping this secret you are treating your husband like an infant without agency. This on top of the cheating is the epitome of disrespect, entitlement and selfishness.

Your husband deserves someone better than you, at the moment no other woman has cheated on him, thus making every single one of them a better partner to him than you are. You are an unsafe partner for him.

Give him back his life, with all information revealed in order for him to heal and move on to someone who actually deserves his heart and love.


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## Sonja

Thanks for your courage telling your story.


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## skerzoid

1. If you want to stay married;
a.) Quit the theater.
b.) Go to your pastor for advice (however, don't get involved with the pastor, which you seem to with every man or woman you meet).
c.) Stop drinking ... period.
d.) Never mention it to anyone again (including your husband). Telling him will ease your pain but destroy him. You will have to suffer and take it to the grave.

2. If you want to treat him fairly;
a.) Tell him. It will destroy him. Then you can divorce honorably and go on with your theater career. He can then find someone without the mental problems you are dealing with & go on to live a normal life.
b.) You have to get individual counseling. You are a sex addict. This will not stop.
c.) If you really care about him, listen to this song. Dolly Parton wrote this:


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## Marc878

Just divorce


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## rugswept

Stop torturing your H. Make sure you're done with you're H so you can't cheat on him anymore. You are unable to commit to anything except your selfish feelings. 

Stay in the pick me up since it's fun and I like it game. Don't torture someone who thinks you are married to them.


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## married54yrs

I think skerzoid's reply is on target. You have to stop cheating, and it sure sounds like the theater encourages you to cheat. You have to put your marriage and husband first. Then trust in God's love, forgiveness, guidance, and help.
I would definitely not tell your husband; you are only asking him to help you bear the guilt. Not fair to him. Rid yourself of guilt by finding a trustworthy confessor (either clergy or trusted confidante), confess your 'sins', let yourself be forgiven, and get on about being married faithfully and be a good wife. (Understand that God has already forgiven you)


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## GoldenR

Jesus...what has this place become with all of the supporters of wayward behavior?


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## OddOne

Marc878 said:


> Just divorce


This.


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## Sonja

GoldenR said:


> Jesus...what has this place become with all of the supporters of wayward behavior?


Lack of condemnation is not identical with support. Your first word. „Jesus“ brings to mind, „The one who is without sin throw the first stone“.


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## syhoybenden

Sorry sweety but you're not ready for grownup stuff.

You're still in kindergarten.


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## Andy1001

I had a ons with a woman and the following morning she told me she was engaged. I asked her why she wasn’t faithful to her fiancée and she told me she had been faithful “Lots of times”.
You and her have a lot in common especially the fact that you should never be married to anyone because you are a serial cheater. 
Just divorce the poor sap who was stupid enough to marry you and let him try to find a faithful, loyal woman to be with.


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## Kaliber

prayingforamiracle said:


> He was furious and broken hearted. He smacked me and choked me. I deserved every bit of it. He took the engagement ring and told me to leave his apartment.


*I would think twice of telling him, you hurt him so much and so bad that I do fear that he may do something drastic this time!*
This advice from @skerzoid is the best for you now:


skerzoid said:


> However:
> 1. If you want to stay married;
> a.) Quit the theater.
> b.) Go to your pastor for advice (however, don't get involved with the pastor, which you seem to with every man or woman you meet).
> c.) Stop drinking ... period.
> d.) Never mention it to anyone again (including your husband). Telling him will ease your pain but destroy him. You will have to suffer and take it to the grave.


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## OddOne

I think you need to accept that, regardless of whether or not you tell him, you simply aren't suited to be in a committed relationship. Maybe when you are older and after therapy. But as things are now, no. Please, even if he expresses a lot of pain and desperation over it, divorce your husband. But take precautions first, since he was violent before. You may hate yourself for a long time, but it's better you let him go rather than take the chance that you won't fall off the proverbial loyalty wagon again and again.


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## seadoug105

PFM,

I admire your sense of regret and do think you need some intense internal reflection & individual counseling. You may not realize it you have a lot of realized questions that haunt you.


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## seadoug105

On a _totally_ unrelated on related matter; just some questions that haunt me

What is the definition of a horrible husband?
What is the definition of a horrible wife?
What is the definition of a horrible human being?
Do you have to identify as ”All Genders” to utilize the “All Genders” restroom?


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## Sonja

seadoug105 said:


> On a _totally_ unrelated on related matter; just some questions that haunt me
> 
> What is the definition of a horrible husband?
> What is the definition of a horrible wife?
> What is the definition of a horrible human being?
> Do you have to identify as ”All Genders” to utilize the “All Genders” restroom?


What are your best answers?


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## seadoug105

ccpowerslave said:


> Congrats you did a good job making it that long.


What has society come top…. Giving people credit for doing what they are supposed to do…

what would Chris Rock have to say about this???


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## ccpowerslave

seadoug105 said:


> What has society come top…. Giving people credit for doing what they are supposed to do…
> 
> what would Chris Rock have to say about this???


I don’t think you’ve considered it from her perspective.

Between all the witchcraft, siren song of same sex hookups, and theater studs it’s a miracle to make it that long.


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## OddOne

Other than Quora, as you say, telling you not to confess, were you also told as you've been told by most here that you should get divorced, or have they been telling you the opposite? Because if you've been told pretty much the same as here as far as divorce vs. trying to become truly committed are concerned, perhaps you should take that into consideration. Really, I think you could go to most any site, save for those solely focused on reconciliation at nearly any cost, and will probably be told the same thing. Mostly because of your age and how short lived your periods of commitment have been.


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## Tested_by_stress

Your husband should have kicked your arse to the curb long before he stupidly married you.


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## Sonja

There is a lot of suffering in her post. Its a sad story. She has a lot of tension inside but she is not a criminal. The man, however, is a criminal. „Smacking and choking her“ are criminal offences.


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## GaLaxya

You are too yound and you've still got a long way to go. You shouldn't have got married yet. We are not dying at the age of 35 something at average anymore. No need to rush trying to be a grown up.


That said, you seem to have a lack of boundaries when it comes to men. You are still young and most likely too immature for a serious relationship.
You have been also with a woman for a while. you still need to learn what your sexuality is. Find out.

It looks you are constantly harming yourself by sleeping with other men/people without any commitment and on the otherside by forcing yourself into a lifestyle that doesn't suite you (yet) (marriage). you are 21. Why already getting married? You already had doubts about your spouse. Bad descision.You are not a women yet. In the old days when people died at the age of 35 you were mot not in our days, my dear. There is still a lot of development (-al potential) ahead of you...

You aren't happy with yourself. I go as far as to say you hate yourself for some reason.
This is why you do what you do. Everything you do is a form of selfharm. You do all of this to reassure yourself that you are worthless.

Women who have been abused tend to do this. They sometimes develope a seductive type of personality and seducing someone makes them feel as if they are in control. But only for a few moments. Afterwards, they spiral down to this deep rooted selfhate and harm themselves again agmfterwards. You confuse pain with love I am afraid. 
One can see in your post, that you are kind of asking people or offering yourself to people to make you feel worthless, kind of.
You want love and reassurence from people, but you try to seek it through letting them harm (judge) you.

I am not saying anything here in order to hurt you! I just make conclusions. Some you may not understand yet, but you hopefully will one day.

I don't think what you are feeling is true/just gilt or that you feel that way because you don't want to hurt him. His feelings are not that important to you as you lack the ability to truely attach to someone else. But this whole scenario serves the purpose to you to feel bad about yourself.
You arw some kind of drama queen. You need adrenalin. You need to be scared. Stability is unfamiliar to you, hence you seek chaos and pain.

In your world there is a place for him, because you don't love him and that reassures that you are not worth it being with someone who makes you feel good.
Most likely you have never experienced true love and therefore don't know what to look for.

You mentioned you were scared of having a relationship. How come in such young years... What have they done to you to be so wounded already...? Ask yourself. No need to answer me.

You have to learn to love yourself first. Some people never learn. Some do. If you are religious use your prayers to seek comprehension. Conprehension is the key for constructive progress. 

I am not religious. I don't know if there is a god. But if there is one it surely want us to undersrand and grow instead of asking it for forgivness.
I think a god is way to intelligent and above such things. I think our main task in life is to learn and understand and to grow in order to not distruct ourselves, our suroundings and at the end the world (god created). 

What you are doing is destruction. You hurt yourself, your husband. He will get demaged and will hurt other people, and those people will hurt other people... and so on...

If you are not sadisfied sexually with your husband, he is not the one for you. There is no garantee for any of us to find that one, but you are still young. Seperate from your husband and go, look to find someone more suitable.

But if you continue the way you do, ylu've got a long road of abusive relationships and unhappiness ahead of you.


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## GoldenR

Sonja said:


> Lack of condemnation is not identical with support. Your first word. „Jesus“ brings to mind, „The one who is without sin throw the first stone“.


I'm referring to the "Don't tell him" advice.

Not telling is wayward behavior.


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## GusPolinski

ccpowerslave said:


> Congrats you did a good job making it that long.


LOL right

“I’m a serial cheat but I’ve definitely learned my lesson this time and I’ll never cheat again.

Unless of course I just want to.”


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## Sonja

GoldenR said:


> I'm referring to the "Don't tell him" advice.
> 
> Not telling is wayward behavior.


I understand. There are two philosophies, (a) tell at all cost, (b) telling at all cost is actually selfish as it makes you feel better, and makes the person told feel worse. 

I respect both views and personally subscribe to (b), as I would prefer to be treated that way (not told).


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## jjj858

As much as I would want to slap the crap of someone who confessed to cheating on me, her husbands reaction doing that wasn’t acceptable. It’s not ok to hit a woman. But it shows that you’re tormenting this guy and bringing out a very bad side of him. For your safety you need to go your separate ways. You clearly can’t control yourself and his reaction to further infidelity may escalate.


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## GusPolinski

Sonja said:


> I understand. There are two philosophies, (a) tell at all cost, (b) telling at all cost is actually selfish as it makes you feel better, and makes the person told feel worse.
> 
> I respect both views and personally subscribe to (b), as I would prefer to be treated that way (not told).


You’d prefer that your own serial cheating spouse never confessed his (or her) infidelity to you?

And instead what… just kept cheating?


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## uphillbattle

Sonja said:


> I understand. There are two philosophies, (a) tell at all cost, (b) telling at all cost is actually selfish as it makes you feel better, and makes the person told feel worse.
> 
> I respect both views and personally subscribe to (b), as I would prefer to be treated that way (not told).


Yes, but you also don't care if he steps out as long as she is up to the mark. I get the impression the op's husband does not share your view.


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## uphillbattle

GusPolinski said:


> You’d prefer that your own serial cheating spouse never confessed his (or her) infidelity to you?
> 
> And instead what… just kept cheating?


Yes, actually she would. She has a massive thread detailing her stance.


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## Sonja

GusPolinski said:


> You’d prefer that your own serial cheating spouse never confessed his (or her) infidelity to you?
> 
> And instead what… just kept cheating?


You add complicating elements of seriality and so on. From the basic question, If he manages to have a fully engaged partnership with me, I prefer not knowing.


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## Sonja

uphillbattle said:


> Yes, but you also don't care if he steps out as long as she is up to the mark. I get the impression the op's husband does not share your view.


True, the OP husband considers it wayward behaviour, and thats what matters for this thread here.


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## GusPolinski

Sonja said:


> You add complicating elements of seriality and so on. From the basic question, If he manages to have a fully engaged partnership with me, he hasnt broken our spoken marriage vows and I prefer not knowing.


The OP has confessed to being a serial cheater, so if anyone has added that “complicating element”, it’s her.

Did your marriage vows not include “…to keep myself only for him/her, forsaking all others…” ?

Would you consider yourself borderline asexual?


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## Sonja

GusPolinski said:


> The OP has confessed to being a serial cheater, so if anyone has added that “complicating element”, it’s her.
> 
> Did your marriage vows not include “…to keep myself only for him/her, forsaking all others…” ?
> 
> Would you consider yourself borderline asexual?


True. 
For the question, its not a topic for this thread.


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## GusPolinski

Sonja said:


> True.
> For the question, its not a topic for this thread.


Fair enough. Just trying to understand your perspective.


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## Sonja

GusPolinski said:


> Fair enough. Just trying to understand your perspective.


Curiously, his catholic vow to me was (English equivalent): „I take you, Sonya, to be my wife. I promise to be true to you in good times and bad, in sickness and health. I will love and honour you all the days of my life.“


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## GusPolinski

Sonja said:


> Curiously, his catholic vow to me was (English equivalent): „I take you, Sonya, to be my wife. I promise to be true to you in good times and bad, in sickness and health. I will love and honour you all the days of my life.“


To “be true” would mean to be forthright, honest, and faithful, yes?


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## ABHale

Well, your husband actually deserves a wife that isn’t you.

Just get out of his life then file for divorce. You have never been faithful to your husband and you never will be. You have betrayed him from the start. Pack your stuff, leave a note and move on with your life. Then get a lawyer and file for divorce.

Just one question, are you sure you didn’t pick up anything you could pass onto your unsuspecting husband.


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## Sonja

GusPolinski said:


> To “be true” would mean to be forthright, honest, and faithful, yes?


That is one way to see it, yes. Another way to see it is full soul engagement, its a spiritual union. But I will seriously not take this further in this thread.


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## ABHale

Another question, why did it take a guilty conscience for you to become a good wife in your terms?

Shouldn’t love for your husband have done that from day one?

But that’s just it, you don’t FN love your husband. No one can continuously cheat on someone they love. He is more of a life preserver that you cling to.

Just leave and leave a confession on the table.


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## GusPolinski

Sonja said:


> That is one way to see it, yes. Another way to see it is full soul engagement, its a spiritual union. But I will seriously not take this further in this thread.


Understood.

I posted what would’ve been my reply to your thread.


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## adaptivesoda

I don't feel sorry for you at all. You betrayed the man you married, twice. Shallow doesn't even begin to describe your personality. The only advice you get from me is to divorce the man and let him go so he can find a REAL woman - one who is faithful and has some integrity. You seriously lack in everything that is good and healthy to a marriage.


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## sokillme

You don't love your husband, you are terribly cruel to him. Like some kid torturing with a wounded animal or something just to watch it suffer. You cheated 3 times. You also don't seem real sure of your sexuality.

Basically you are very immature and you don't want your husband to brake up with you. There is no love here at all though, and that is a good thing because if this is the way you treat people you love then you really are a sociopath.

What you are doing right now is taking away your husbands agency in his own life, his right to make an informed choice. No way God wants that for him. You might as well still be cheating. For once act like your husband's wife and protect him, even if it's from yourself. 

You say he is not sexual with him but you have cheated on him 3 times, maybe he can sense you would rather be with someone else having cheep tawdry sex so he is not very turned on by you right now. Maybe he doesn't feel to safe with you, and in this case he would be right. 

I will give you a pass because you are very young, but you should get divorced so he can find someone who at least doesn't continually abuse him like you do, and you can grow up. At this point given your track record maybe you should marry anyone, at least not without a lot of growing up and some serious life time counseling.


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## ElOtro

Sonja said:


> I understand. There are two philosophies, (a) tell at all cost, (b) telling at all cost is actually selfish as it makes you feel better, and makes the person told feel worse.
> 
> I respect both views and personally subscribe to (b), as I would prefer to be treated that way (not told).


No. 
The two philosofies would be better described ommiting the "all cost". Tell / Don´t tell.
The "cost" consideration a priori puts the feelings over the reasons to feel and "peace" over dignity. Not everybody holds that view.
Not a few betrayed parteners would find to be told, even if hurtful, to be an act of respect and compassion. While would qualify the pretended "protection" of their "feelings" as a fraud (even from whom is convinced of the opposite) and an additional serious betrayal.


----------



## Diana7

Sonja said:


> There is a lot of suffering in her post. Its a sad story. She has a lot of tension inside but she is not a criminal. The man, however, is a criminal. „Smacking and choking her“ are criminal offences.


I would say that committing adultery with three people is pretty cruel. It may not be a criminal offence in our society, but to God its incredibly serious.


----------



## Diana7

Sonja said:


> True, the OP husband considers it wayward behaviour, and thats what matters for this thread here.


Do you not think cheating is wayward behaviour?


----------



## Diana7

Sonja said:


> True, the OP husband considers it wayward behaviour, and thats what matters for this thread here.


99% of the population consider it wayward behaviour, because it is.


----------



## BigDaddyNY

prayingforamiracle said:


> I…. Don’t know what to say for myself. There is nothing to say to make this better. But I desperately need help on what to do.
> 
> I’m 21 years old. I married my high school sweetheart last year. We’ve been married for one year. He’s 22.
> 
> We started dating in 2016. He was my first boyfriend. We broke up for a while because I was scared of a relationship. I was the one who broke us up. He understood and left me be. I then dated a girl for over a year and was actually engaged to her (stupid I know.) I broke up with her due to her getting into witchcraft (I am a devout Christian and this contradicts my faith heavily). After that, I took a break and got close to God. He brought my husband to me. We rekindled our relationship and got back together. We’ve been together ever since. After one year of dating, I cheated on him with a guy in the theatre I’m involved in. Never had sex, just hand jobs and make outs. It lasted about a week. I felt horrible and told the guy I couldn’t do it. He was telling me he loved me and all that, I never felt that for him. He cussed me out on the phone, called me a *** and said he’d make sure I never had a place in that theatre again. Never the less, I was through. I confessed to my now husband this at school. It hurt him but he forgave me the same day. Things were great once more.
> 
> Another year passes, and I’m in another show at the theatre. My husband is too. I get a lead role and I get close with my male counterpart in the show. I liked talking to him and he was nice to dance with. The funny thing is, my husband played the suitor for my character in the show and the guy played my character’s love interest. We had more rehearsals together and became close overtime. All of a sudden, one night he reaches out to me in Facebook dms and sends a funny video. I found it odd, but liked that he wanted to talk to me. He had a girlfriend at this time and I was engaged. We had pretty clean conversation, and never really talked dirty. But he then invited me to come and hang with him at his apartment. I was starting to fall for him. He was tall, handsome, and interesting. We hung out and got intimate really fast. I liked it. It lasted maybe a week or two. We hung out again and slept together. It was 2 in the morning when I woke up after the fact. I was living with my folks at the time. We met up once again and did it again. I was emotionally and physically involved with him. I even debated leaving my husband for him. He didn’t feel the same. He said he couldn’t do it anymore. We stopped. We both agreed to tell our so’s. I told my husband and it shattered him. He was furious and broken hearted. He smacked me and choked me. I deserved every bit of it. He took the engagement ring and told me to leave his apartment. He had me stuff all my things I had there into the closet in the hall. He said to give him a week and he would see how he felt. I was broken. I couldn’t believe I did what I did. The whole week I cried everyday and wrote him letters about how I felt. I was genuine repentant. I went to the apartment to pick something up and I knew he was there. I had to see him. He let me in and looked absolutely haggard. Poor thing. I regret that heavily. We spoke and he decided to give me a chance. He said if I did it again, he’d be done.
> 
> We get married the next year, 2020. It was a beautiful wedding. Absolutely perfect. But you need to know one thing, I grew up in an abusive household, and my parents did not approve of my husband and I’s engagement. I got kicked out over it in November, directly after we had dealt with my cheating. My parents didn’t pay a dime for any piece of my wedding. My mother made me later to my own wedding being hungover. It was a small but intimate ceremony
> 
> I was loyal to him for a whole year. We celebrated our one year anniversary this year. Now the last time. The same first guy and I had been involved in a play together. He was assistant director and I was a lead role. Towards the end of the show we started texting. It got a bit graphic. No photos or anything, just dirty talk. I told myself Id never actually do anything I texted him. I just liked that kind of attention, being desired that way. This went on and I put a halt to it. Then I texted him again. Then I got intoxicated at the cast party and told him to meet me somewhere. We met up, kissed, no sex. He has a girlfriend. Then the next time we met was weeks later. I went to his house and we were alone. He wanted sex, I did not cave. We got close but did not due to me saying no. After this, I told him I couldn’t message him anymore and that I didn’t want to betray my husband. He understood. At the time, I was getting into drinking and smoking with some friends at a mutual friend of ours’ house. He would be there of course. We always had this energy there that was hard to ignore, and being under the influence didn’t help my case. We messaged again occasionally. I tried not to get back into sexual talk with him. I was scared though. I felt like I needed to make sure he would keep all of these occurrences to himself, thus why I was speaking to him again. I felt pressured to continue due to my fear. The last time that we met was weeks later. I messaged asking if he wanted to meet. He asked if we would finally do it. I said “maybe” but internally, I said no. I got drunk before we met up and thats why I caved in to sex with him. I didn’t feel the pain and guilt of it til a day later. I ended things and we both mutually agreed to keep it to ourselves with no evidence.
> 
> I went cold turkey with him for a few weeks, occasionally texting when the guilt got to me. My anxiety has been worse than ever. It’s hard to sleep and eat. It’s been 3 months since the incident and I had gotten better except for when I met with him one last time. I kept my distance from him and we just talked. I told him my heart couldn’t take betraying my husband anymore. I had gotten better with my anxiety at this point but it resurgent heavily after this meeting. This was roughly two weeks ago. I’ve been doing my best to be a better wife to him, and it’s working. He says I’m better than I was those three months ago. I’ve vowed to myself and him not to hang with that crowd nor be associated with the theatre anymore. I don’t want to drink around anyone but my husband now.
> 
> Im scared. I love him deeply, I don’t want to hurt him.This could never be an excuse, but I did wish he’d be more sexual with me. He’s usually tired after work and never wants to have sex. And when he does, I sometimes don’t want it. I’ve been trying to be better in all aspects for him. He says I’ve been perfect these past few months. He’s been happy.
> 
> I want to do the right thing. I’m scared of both possibilities, telling him or not. I’ve been advised by those on quora saying in the majority that I shouldn’t tell him. I’m just… scared. I feel disgusted with myself for betraying his trust. He never ever deserved such a wench like me. It kills my knowing how I’ve broken a vow. I want to do what is best for my marriage.
> 
> I prayed for God to forgive me and give me courage to do whatever the right thing is for this. I pray for my marriage to survive, no matter what I’m called to do. I’ve learned my lesson this time. I feel like him forgiving me has made me feel like I can do it and it be okay. But keeping this secret? It’s kept me from ever even dreaming of doing something like this again. I feel like it keeps me accountable. Not a day goes by that I don’t feel the guilt and remorse for what I’ve done. I feel horrible. My husband has had too much trauma in his life, his father passed when he was 10 and ive caused all the other heartache already, I don’t want to break his heart. I’m terrified. I will do whatever it takes to get our marriage where it needs to be. I believe marriage is for life, there’s no one else I’d rather spend the rest of my life with,


You are a serial cheater. Actually what you described sounds a bit more like a *****, but we'll go with serial cheater. If you actually love your husband you will just go tell him good bye and file an uncontested divorce. You've cheated on your husband 3 times and you are just barely old enough to drink. You have no business getting married.


----------



## Sonja

Diana7 said:


> Do you not think cheating is wayward behaviour?


A lot can be considered sinful and I dont see a hierarchy in marriage vows. I break a marriage vow with every harsh word, with every unloving thought, word and act, every act of impatience related to sickness, selfishness of any kind, every moment thats not honouring; really any thought, word and action that falls short of fully honouring and loving my partners soul. I am not aware of any hierarchies in the vows, they are all equally important, in any consideration of waywardness or not. In particular, my husbands vows did not specifically include „exclusion to all others“. Thats not part of the French language catholic vow.


----------



## Divinely Favored

prayingforamiracle said:


> I…. Don’t know what to say for myself. There is nothing to say to make this better. But I desperately need help on what to do.
> 
> I’m 21 years old. I married my high school sweetheart last year. We’ve been married for one year. He’s 22.
> 
> We started dating in 2016. He was my first boyfriend. We broke up for a while because I was scared of a relationship. I was the one who broke us up. He understood and left me be. I then dated a girl for over a year and was actually engaged to her (stupid I know.) I broke up with her due to her getting into witchcraft (I am a devout Christian and this contradicts my faith heavily). After that, I took a break and got close to God. He brought my husband to me. We rekindled our relationship and got back together. We’ve been together ever since. After one year of dating, I cheated on him with a guy in the theatre I’m involved in. Never had sex, just hand jobs and make outs. It lasted about a week. I felt horrible and told the guy I couldn’t do it. He was telling me he loved me and all that, I never felt that for him. He cussed me out on the phone, called me a *** and said he’d make sure I never had a place in that theatre again. Never the less, I was through. I confessed to my now husband this at school. It hurt him but he forgave me the same day. Things were great once more.
> 
> Another year passes, and I’m in another show at the theatre. My husband is too. I get a lead role and I get close with my male counterpart in the show. I liked talking to him and he was nice to dance with. The funny thing is, my husband played the suitor for my character in the show and the guy played my character’s love interest. We had more rehearsals together and became close overtime. All of a sudden, one night he reaches out to me in Facebook dms and sends a funny video. I found it odd, but liked that he wanted to talk to me. He had a girlfriend at this time and I was engaged. We had pretty clean conversation, and never really talked dirty. But he then invited me to come and hang with him at his apartment. I was starting to fall for him. He was tall, handsome, and interesting. We hung out and got intimate really fast. I liked it. It lasted maybe a week or two. We hung out again and slept together. It was 2 in the morning when I woke up after the fact. I was living with my folks at the time. We met up once again and did it again. I was emotionally and physically involved with him. I even debated leaving my husband for him. He didn’t feel the same. He said he couldn’t do it anymore. We stopped. We both agreed to tell our so’s. I told my husband and it shattered him. He was furious and broken hearted. He smacked me and choked me. I deserved every bit of it. He took the engagement ring and told me to leave his apartment. He had me stuff all my things I had there into the closet in the hall. He said to give him a week and he would see how he felt. I was broken. I couldn’t believe I did what I did. The whole week I cried everyday and wrote him letters about how I felt. I was genuine repentant. I went to the apartment to pick something up and I knew he was there. I had to see him. He let me in and looked absolutely haggard. Poor thing. I regret that heavily. We spoke and he decided to give me a chance. He said if I did it again, he’d be done.
> 
> We get married the next year, 2020. It was a beautiful wedding. Absolutely perfect. But you need to know one thing, I grew up in an abusive household, and my parents did not approve of my husband and I’s engagement. I got kicked out over it in November, directly after we had dealt with my cheating. My parents didn’t pay a dime for any piece of my wedding. My mother made me later to my own wedding being hungover. It was a small but intimate ceremony
> 
> I was loyal to him for a whole year. We celebrated our one year anniversary this year. Now the last time. The same first guy and I had been involved in a play together. He was assistant director and I was a lead role. Towards the end of the show we started texting. It got a bit graphic. No photos or anything, just dirty talk. I told myself Id never actually do anything I texted him. I just liked that kind of attention, being desired that way. This went on and I put a halt to it. Then I texted him again. Then I got intoxicated at the cast party and told him to meet me somewhere. We met up, kissed, no sex. He has a girlfriend. Then the next time we met was weeks later. I went to his house and we were alone. He wanted sex, I did not cave. We got close but did not due to me saying no. After this, I told him I couldn’t message him anymore and that I didn’t want to betray my husband. He understood. At the time, I was getting into drinking and smoking with some friends at a mutual friend of ours’ house. He would be there of course. We always had this energy there that was hard to ignore, and being under the influence didn’t help my case. We messaged again occasionally. I tried not to get back into sexual talk with him. I was scared though. I felt like I needed to make sure he would keep all of these occurrences to himself, thus why I was speaking to him again. I felt pressured to continue due to my fear. The last time that we met was weeks later. I messaged asking if he wanted to meet. He asked if we would finally do it. I said “maybe” but internally, I said no. I got drunk before we met up and thats why I caved in to sex with him. I didn’t feel the pain and guilt of it til a day later. I ended things and we both mutually agreed to keep it to ourselves with no evidence.
> 
> I went cold turkey with him for a few weeks, occasionally texting when the guilt got to me. My anxiety has been worse than ever. It’s hard to sleep and eat. It’s been 3 months since the incident and I had gotten better except for when I met with him one last time. I kept my distance from him and we just talked. I told him my heart couldn’t take betraying my husband anymore. I had gotten better with my anxiety at this point but it resurgent heavily after this meeting. This was roughly two weeks ago. I’ve been doing my best to be a better wife to him, and it’s working. He says I’m better than I was those three months ago. I’ve vowed to myself and him not to hang with that crowd nor be associated with the theatre anymore. I don’t want to drink around anyone but my husband now.
> 
> Im scared. I love him deeply, I don’t want to hurt him.This could never be an excuse, but I did wish he’d be more sexual with me. He’s usually tired after work and never wants to have sex. And when he does, I sometimes don’t want it. I’ve been trying to be better in all aspects for him. He says I’ve been perfect these past few months. He’s been happy.
> 
> I want to do the right thing. I’m scared of both possibilities, telling him or not. I’ve been advised by those on quora saying in the majority that I shouldn’t tell him. I’m just… scared. I feel disgusted with myself for betraying his trust. He never ever deserved such a wench like me. It kills my knowing how I’ve broken a vow. I want to do what is best for my marriage.
> 
> I prayed for God to forgive me and give me courage to do whatever the right thing is for this. I pray for my marriage to survive, no matter what I’m called to do. I’ve learned my lesson this time. I feel like him forgiving me has made me feel like I can do it and it be okay. But keeping this secret? It’s kept me from ever even dreaming of doing something like this again. I feel like it keeps me accountable. Not a day goes by that I don’t feel the guilt and remorse for what I’ve done. I feel horrible. My husband has had too much trauma in his life, his father passed when he was 10 and ive caused all the other heartache already, I don’t want to break his heart. I’m terrified. I will do whatever it takes to get our marriage where it needs to be. I believe marriage is for life, there’s no one else I’d rather spend the rest of my life with,


You say you're Christian. It says that if a Brother has anything against you, to leave your offering to God at the alter and first go and make it right with him...then come back and make your offering to God. 

You have to make things right between you and him. How can you be forgivenfor the sin you have committed against your husband if he does not know. Your marriage will not thrive based on a lie. 

Stay away from those drama groups. In college they swapped partners like crazy some were suicidal because of it.


----------



## Divinely Favored

Sonja said:


> There is a lot of suffering in her post. Its a sad story. She has a lot of tension inside but she is not a criminal. The man, however, is a criminal. „Smacking and choking her“ are criminal offences.


Many states Adultry is a crime...is is just not prosecuted any more...unfortunately.


----------



## Galabar01

There most certainly is a hierarchy of vow breaking. If you are Catholic, check out those ten commandments. An unkind word is not equivalent to adultery.


----------



## blhp

prayingforamiracle said:


> I…. Don’t know what to say for myself. There is nothing to say to make this better. But I desperately need help on what to do.
> 
> I’m 21 years old. I married my high school sweetheart last year. We’ve been married for one year. He’s 22.
> 
> We started dating in 2016. He was my first boyfriend. We broke up for a while because I was scared of a relationship. I was the one who broke us up. He understood and left me be. I then dated a girl for over a year and was actually engaged to her (stupid I know.) I broke up with her due to her getting into witchcraft (I am a devout Christian and this contradicts my faith heavily). After that, I took a break and got close to God. He brought my husband to me. We rekindled our relationship and got back together. We’ve been together ever since. After one year of dating, I cheated on him with a guy in the theatre I’m involved in. Never had sex, just hand jobs and make outs. It lasted about a week. I felt horrible and told the guy I couldn’t do it. He was telling me he loved me and all that, I never felt that for him. He cussed me out on the phone, called me a *** and said he’d make sure I never had a place in that theatre again. Never the less, I was through. I confessed to my now husband this at school. It hurt him but he forgave me the same day. Things were great once more.
> 
> Another year passes, and I’m in another show at the theatre. My husband is too. I get a lead role and I get close with my male counterpart in the show. I liked talking to him and he was nice to dance with. The funny thing is, my husband played the suitor for my character in the show and the guy played my character’s love interest. We had more rehearsals together and became close overtime. All of a sudden, one night he reaches out to me in Facebook dms and sends a funny video. I found it odd, but liked that he wanted to talk to me. He had a girlfriend at this time and I was engaged. We had pretty clean conversation, and never really talked dirty. But he then invited me to come and hang with him at his apartment. I was starting to fall for him. He was tall, handsome, and interesting. We hung out and got intimate really fast. I liked it. It lasted maybe a week or two. We hung out again and slept together. It was 2 in the morning when I woke up after the fact. I was living with my folks at the time. We met up once again and did it again. I was emotionally and physically involved with him. I even debated leaving my husband for him. He didn’t feel the same. He said he couldn’t do it anymore. We stopped. We both agreed to tell our so’s. I told my husband and it shattered him. He was furious and broken hearted. He smacked me and choked me. I deserved every bit of it. He took the engagement ring and told me to leave his apartment. He had me stuff all my things I had there into the closet in the hall. He said to give him a week and he would see how he felt. I was broken. I couldn’t believe I did what I did. The whole week I cried everyday and wrote him letters about how I felt. I was genuine repentant. I went to the apartment to pick something up and I knew he was there. I had to see him. He let me in and looked absolutely haggard. Poor thing. I regret that heavily. We spoke and he decided to give me a chance. He said if I did it again, he’d be done.
> 
> We get married the next year, 2020. It was a beautiful wedding. Absolutely perfect. But you need to know one thing, I grew up in an abusive household, and my parents did not approve of my husband and I’s engagement. I got kicked out over it in November, directly after we had dealt with my cheating. My parents didn’t pay a dime for any piece of my wedding. My mother made me later to my own wedding being hungover. It was a small but intimate ceremony
> 
> I was loyal to him for a whole year. We celebrated our one year anniversary this year. Now the last time. The same first guy and I had been involved in a play together. He was assistant director and I was a lead role. Towards the end of the show we started texting. It got a bit graphic. No photos or anything, just dirty talk. I told myself Id never actually do anything I texted him. I just liked that kind of attention, being desired that way. This went on and I put a halt to it. Then I texted him again. Then I got intoxicated at the cast party and told him to meet me somewhere. We met up, kissed, no sex. He has a girlfriend. Then the next time we met was weeks later. I went to his house and we were alone. He wanted sex, I did not cave. We got close but did not due to me saying no. After this, I told him I couldn’t message him anymore and that I didn’t want to betray my husband. He understood. At the time, I was getting into drinking and smoking with some friends at a mutual friend of ours’ house. He would be there of course. We always had this energy there that was hard to ignore, and being under the influence didn’t help my case. We messaged again occasionally. I tried not to get back into sexual talk with him. I was scared though. I felt like I needed to make sure he would keep all of these occurrences to himself, thus why I was speaking to him again. I felt pressured to continue due to my fear. The last time that we met was weeks latr. I messaged asking if he wanted to meet. He asked if we would finally do it. I said “maybe” but internally, I said no. I got drunk before we met up and thats why I caved in to sex with him. I didn’t feel the pain and guilt of it til a day later. I ended things and we both mutually agreed to keep it to ourselves with no evidence.
> 
> I went cold turkey with him for a few weeks, occasionally texting when the guilt got to me. My anxiety has been worse than ever. It’s hard to sleep and eat. It’s been 3 months since the incident and I had gotten better except for when I met with him one last time. I kept my distance from him and we just talked. I told him my heart couldn’t take betraying my husband anymore. I had gotten better with my anxiety at this point but it resurgent heavily after this meeting. This was roughly two weeks ago. I’ve been doing my best to be a better wife to him, and it’s working. He says I’m better than I was those three months ago. I’ve vowed to myself and him not to hang with that crowd nor be associated with the theatre anymore. I don’t want to drink around anyone but my husband now.
> 
> Im scared. I love him deeply, I don’t want to hurt him.This could never be an excuse, but I did wish he’d be more sexual with me. He’s usually tired after work and never wants to have sex. And when he does, I sometimes don’t want it. I’ve been trying to be better in all aspects for him. He says I’ve been perfect these past few months. He’s been happy.
> 
> I want to do the right thing. I’m scared of both possibilities, telling him or not. I’ve been advised by those on quora saying in the majority that I shouldn’t tell him. I’m just… scared. I feel disgusted with myself for betraying his trust. He never ever deserved such a wench like me. It kills my knowing how I’ve broken a vow. I want to do what is best for my marriage.
> 
> I prayed for God to forgive me and give me courage to do whatever the right thing is for this. I pray for my marriage to survive, no matter what I’m called to do. I’ve learned my lesson this time. I feel like him forgiving me has made me feel like I can do it and it be okay. But keeping this secret? It’s kept me from ever even dreaming of doing something like this again. I feel like it keeps me accountable. Not a day goes by that I don’t feel the guilt and remorse for what I’ve done. I feel horrible. My husband has had too much trauma in his life, his father passed when he was 10 and ive caused all the other heartache already, I don’t want to break his heart. I’m terrified. I will do whatever it takes to get our marriage where it needs to be. I believe marriage is for life, there’s no one else I’d rather spend the rest of my life with,


If this jerk smacked you around once he'll probably do it again. Get out. It's not for me to judge you or your faith but you seem a bit too immature to be in any type of permanent relationship until you find someone you could truly be devoted to forever. If anyone slapped me around I'd call the cops & press charges and perhaps add a civil suit to it. You're self respect may be in need of an assessment. In other words YOU ARE WORTH IT IN THIS WORLD! MAKE IT THE BEST POSSIBLE LIFE YOU CAN. Forget all men and women and concentrate on building a successful life and secure future. If you're not in school why aren't you? Your 20's are the best shot you'll have to build your future as some type of professional you can be proud of. Trust me. I've been you until I wised up and got out. You do not deserve to be treated poorly by anyone under any circumstances. The more you put into yourself I feel the more self respect you'll have. Move to a state that has apartments w low rent and houses don't coaf a million. Be the best you can be and put your indiscretions behind you and start somewhere fresh. Save your money do not spend it. Be wiser and perhaps in your 30's you'll look back and be glad you got out of a complicated relationship. There are no princesses. No prince is going to carry you off. You are smart but making poor choices in life. Do not get pregnant until your mid 30s only if you can afford to pay the way for a child for the next 25 years to life. Become someone you can be proud of. Only then will the right person notice you and your accomplishments. First loves hardly ever last. You won't find your love in a bar either. Please yourself first and learn from your mistakes. Truly learn. Often we look back to our teens and think God I was so dumb. In 30's you'll think God i was so dumb in my 20's. It happens. Only trust your parents and yourself in this world. I'm not trying to put you down. Quite the opposite. I was you until i got my act together. Talk to a school counselor to decide your options. The marrying kind will still be out there. Trust me. Good luck to you.


----------



## Diana7

Sonja said:


> A lot can be considered sinful and I dont see a hierarchy in marriage vows. I break a marriage vow with every harsh word, with every unloving thought, word and act, every act of impatience related to sickness, selfishness of any kind, every moment thats not honouring; really any thought, word and action that falls short of fully honouring and loving my partners soul. I am not aware of any hierarchies in the vows, they are all equally important, in any consideration of waywardness or not. In particular, my husbands vows did not specifically include „exclusion to all others“. Thats not part of the French language catholic vow.


We both under stand that adultery is wrong, as does the RC church you apparently got married in.


----------



## Diana7

Sonja said:


> The Bible is more mystical especially for a Catholic. First, Jesus reduced the 10 commandments to two. Next, Matthew 25:40 says „whatever you did to even the least, you did to me“. When you are unkind to anyone, you are unkind to Jesus. When you yell at your partner, you yell at God. This can be worse than adultery. Finally, the Bible is clear in the case of the adultress that the one who is without sin, throws the first stone. I wont throw it.


God makes it crystal clear that adultery is very serious.


----------



## colingrant

prayingforamiracle said:


> I…. Don’t know what to say for myself. There is nothing to say to make this better. But I desperately need help on what to do.
> 
> I’m 21 years old. I married my high school sweetheart last year. We’ve been married for one year. He’s 22.
> 
> We started dating in 2016. He was my first boyfriend. We broke up for a while because I was scared of a relationship. I was the one who broke us up. He understood and left me be. I then dated a girl for over a year and was actually engaged to her (stupid I know.) I broke up with her due to her getting into witchcraft (I am a devout Christian and this contradicts my faith heavily). After that, I took a break and got close to God. He brought my husband to me. We rekindled our relationship and got back together. We’ve been together ever since. After one year of dating, I cheated on him with a guy in the theatre I’m involved in. Never had sex, just hand jobs and make outs. It lasted about a week. I felt horrible and told the guy I couldn’t do it. He was telling me he loved me and all that, I never felt that for him. He cussed me out on the phone, called me a *** and said he’d make sure I never had a place in that theatre again. Never the less, I was through. I confessed to my now husband this at school. It hurt him but he forgave me the same day. Things were great once more.
> 
> Another year passes, and I’m in another show at the theatre. My husband is too. I get a lead role and I get close with my male counterpart in the show. I liked talking to him and he was nice to dance with. The funny thing is, my husband played the suitor for my character in the show and the guy played my character’s love interest. We had more rehearsals together and became close overtime. All of a sudden, one night he reaches out to me in Facebook dms and sends a funny video. I found it odd, but liked that he wanted to talk to me. He had a girlfriend at this time and I was engaged. We had pretty clean conversation, and never really talked dirty. But he then invited me to come and hang with him at his apartment. I was starting to fall for him. He was tall, handsome, and interesting. We hung out and got intimate really fast. I liked it. It lasted maybe a week or two. We hung out again and slept together. It was 2 in the morning when I woke up after the fact. I was living with my folks at the time. We met up once again and did it again. I was emotionally and physically involved with him. I even debated leaving my husband for him. He didn’t feel the same. He said he couldn’t do it anymore. We stopped. We both agreed to tell our so’s. I told my husband and it shattered him. He was furious and broken hearted. He smacked me and choked me. I deserved every bit of it. He took the engagement ring and told me to leave his apartment. He had me stuff all my things I had there into the closet in the hall. He said to give him a week and he would see how he felt. I was broken. I couldn’t believe I did what I did. The whole week I cried everyday and wrote him letters about how I felt. I was genuine repentant. I went to the apartment to pick something up and I knew he was there. I had to see him. He let me in and looked absolutely haggard. Poor thing. I regret that heavily. We spoke and he decided to give me a chance. He said if I did it again, he’d be done.
> 
> We get married the next year, 2020. It was a beautiful wedding. Absolutely perfect. But you need to know one thing, I grew up in an abusive household, and my parents did not approve of my husband and I’s engagement. I got kicked out over it in November, directly after we had dealt with my cheating. My parents didn’t pay a dime for any piece of my wedding. My mother made me later to my own wedding being hungover. It was a small but intimate ceremony
> 
> I was loyal to him for a whole year. We celebrated our one year anniversary this year. Now the last time. The same first guy and I had been involved in a play together. He was assistant director and I was a lead role. Towards the end of the show we started texting. It got a bit graphic. No photos or anything, just dirty talk. I told myself Id never actually do anything I texted him. I just liked that kind of attention, being desired that way. This went on and I put a halt to it. Then I texted him again. Then I got intoxicated at the cast party and told him to meet me somewhere. We met up, kissed, no sex. He has a girlfriend. Then the next time we met was weeks later. I went to his house and we were alone. He wanted sex, I did not cave. We got close but did not due to me saying no. After this, I told him I couldn’t message him anymore and that I didn’t want to betray my husband. He understood. At the time, I was getting into drinking and smoking with some friends at a mutual friend of ours’ house. He would be there of course. We always had this energy there that was hard to ignore, and being under the influence didn’t help my case. We messaged again occasionally. I tried not to get back into sexual talk with him. I was scared though. I felt like I needed to make sure he would keep all of these occurrences to himself, thus why I was speaking to him again. I felt pressured to continue due to my fear. The last time that we met was weeks later. I messaged asking if he wanted to meet. He asked if we would finally do it. I said “maybe” but internally, I said no. I got drunk before we met up and thats why I caved in to sex with him. I didn’t feel the pain and guilt of it til a day later. I ended things and we both mutually agreed to keep it to ourselves with no evidence.
> 
> I went cold turkey with him for a few weeks, occasionally texting when the guilt got to me. My anxiety has been worse than ever. It’s hard to sleep and eat. It’s been 3 months since the incident and I had gotten better except for when I met with him one last time. I kept my distance from him and we just talked. I told him my heart couldn’t take betraying my husband anymore. I had gotten better with my anxiety at this point but it resurgent heavily after this meeting. This was roughly two weeks ago. I’ve been doing my best to be a better wife to him, and it’s working. He says I’m better than I was those three months ago. I’ve vowed to myself and him not to hang with that crowd nor be associated with the theatre anymore. I don’t want to drink around anyone but my husband now.
> 
> Im scared. I love him deeply, I don’t want to hurt him.This could never be an excuse, but I did wish he’d be more sexual with me. He’s usually tired after work and never wants to have sex. And when he does, I sometimes don’t want it. I’ve been trying to be better in all aspects for him. He says I’ve been perfect these past few months. He’s been happy.
> 
> I want to do the right thing. I’m scared of both possibilities, telling him or not. I’ve been advised by those on quora saying in the majority that I shouldn’t tell him. I’m just… scared. I feel disgusted with myself for betraying his trust. He never ever deserved such a wench like me. It kills my knowing how I’ve broken a vow. I want to do what is best for my marriage.
> 
> I prayed for God to forgive me and give me courage to do whatever the right thing is for this. I pray for my marriage to survive, no matter what I’m called to do. I’ve learned my lesson this time. I feel like him forgiving me has made me feel like I can do it and it be okay. But keeping this secret? It’s kept me from ever even dreaming of doing something like this again. I feel like it keeps me accountable. Not a day goes by that I don’t feel the guilt and remorse for what I’ve done. I feel horrible. My husband has had too much trauma in his life, his father passed when he was 10 and ive caused all the other heartache already, I don’t want to break his heart. I’m terrified. I will do whatever it takes to get our marriage where it needs to be. I believe marriage is for life, there’s no one else I’d rather spend the rest of my life with,


I do not say this with evil intent or disrespect, but you are easy. It's your job to figure out why. This has nothing to do with God, Christianity, your significant other or men. It may or not have something to do with your family upbringing or environment but the source doesn't change the outcome.

Men seek out women like you. The tall handsome guy saw it in you. Guys like him knows who can be done and who can't. You don't fall into the "can't category" hence you find yourself here. They pursue the one's who can because they know it's a matter of time.

Some call these type of men, predators. WW, WGF use the term because it decreases liability, and conveniently enables them to be seen as a victim. BS buy it nearly 100% of the time. It's one of the few excuses or reasons both WS and BS use to reduce the pain. Fact is there is no predator if prey doesn't exists. Predators are relevant solely because "so called" prey is available, otherwise they're just walking douche bags.


----------



## Sonja

Diana7 said:


> God makes it crystal clear that adultery is very serious.


True but more serious then yelling? Its not often presented that way, but the Bible makes yelling extremely serious. It says everything you do to anyone, you do to God. I take this passage very seriously. 

Note that Jesus did not condemn the adultress and simply said to her to stop sinning. The real meaning of the parable I take to be is to not condemn people and judge them, when oneself is sinful. If its not that, what do you think the parable means? 

My view, which is biblical, is that any sin done out of love is less severe than a sin done with no love. My husband yelling at me can be done in loving frustration or with more dark motives. Matthew 25:40 says by yelling at me with dark motives he literally yells at God with dark motives. When he sleeps with another woman, it can done with love or without love to her. My view is that yelling at me with a dark motive is a bigger sin against God than sleeping with another woman lovingly.

Given the choice that my husband on occasion yells at me with dark motives, or on occasion sleeps with another woman out of love, I pick the second. 

am not trying to convince you of this, just sharing views.


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## ElOtro

Sonja said:


> The Bible is more mystical especially for a Catholic. First, Jesus reduced the 10 commandments to two. Next, Matthew 25:40 says „whatever you did to even the least, you did to me“. When you are unkind to anyone, you are unkind to Jesus. When you yell at your partner, you yell at God. This can be worse than adultery. Finally, the Bible is clear in the case of the adultress that the one who is without sin, throws the first stone. I wont throw it.


I would neither throw a stone. Not even one.
I would not stay in such relationship nor come back.

And discarded what may be trivial, te remaining is like a serial circuit.
Those remaining relevant conditions need to be necessarily acomplished.
The sum of all of them but one is not enough to make it work.
I would not choose a relationship where loyalty is not one of those in the set.


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## Sonja

ElOtro said:


> I would neither throw a stone. Not even one.
> I would not stay in such relationship nor come back.
> 
> And discarded what may be trivial, te remaining is like a serial circuit.
> Those remaining relevant conditions need to be necessarily acomplished.
> The sum of all of them but one is not enough to make it work.
> I would not choose a relationship where loyalty is not one of those in the set.


I like how you write.


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## Evinrude58

You should tell him you cheated. Do it in a public place where it’s safer. Then divorce him since I doubt he will divorce you.
Honestly, you will just bring yourself and your husband more harm if you stay married.
You know as well as we do that this won’t be the last incident of infidelity.


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## OddOne

I reread your post. I now think this is really about a need to rebel against your parents for their treatment of you and the expectations they placed upon you while, at the same time, trying to prove to them that you are good enough to be their daughter.

They didn't approve of your then BF, now BH. Why? Was he the "wrong" faith? Was it something else?

You temporarily ended that relationship. Perhaps because you didn't feel strong enough to continue to defy your parents by staying with him. They probably didn't approve of your lesbian relationship either. But in that case you went so far as to not only have a lesbian relationship but to also become engaged to the woman you were with. But you ended that relationship because she became interested in witchcraft. These days, I believe most would probably call it Wicca, and it would be more of a spiritual practice, and about becoming one with nature rather than meant as some strong threat against Christianity. But I assume your parents could never see it as anything other than something heathen, to be denounced at every turn. You could justify being a lesbian despite how your parents probably felt about it, but not being partners with a Wiccan.

Then you take a break to get closer to God. But what was the context? Did you do this of your own free will, independent of any pressure from your parents. Or were they guiding you pretty much the whole way? Telling you what "true" Christianity is.

Skipping forward, it would not surprise me to learn that even your BH's physical abuse was something of a turn on for you. Not that you want to be abused, but that the thought of being dominated (choked, spanked in bed, etc.) appeals more to you than vanilla sex for the purpose of procreation. Your parents probably think your focus should be on producing kids and using sex as a tool to keep your husband happy, regardless of their personal opinions of him, and that you and his pleasure, but especially yours, are of little importance in comparison. But that's boring, and going against your parents is exciting, even though it creates a lot of guilt for you afterward.

Until you can come to terms with how your parents treated you and stop trying to live your life by their judgments and standards while also trying to push against their judgments and standards, I highly doubt you will ever be healthy enough to be in a committed relationship.


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## Enigma32

I'm a pretty easy going guy. I read the title of this thread and figured OP might have made a mistake, let something get out of hand one time and screwed up. We are all human, after all. I did not expect to come in here and read about witchcraft lesbians, handjobs, and getting drunk to bang theater dudes. Man, I just feel really bad for that sucker of a husband, sitting at home while his wife hooks up with every guy she works with.


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## frusdil

prayingforamiracle said:


> I am a devout Christian and this contradicts my faith heavily


Wait what? A friend being a witch contradicts your "christian" faith, but a same sex relationship and adultery doesn't? Riiiiiiiight.




Evinrude58 said:


> Consider having your friend who is a witch, give you some of that love potion number 9.


She can't, she dumped her friend for being a witch, because it goes against her religion lol.

OP, if you have even the slightest shred of respect for your poor husband, GET A DIVORCE.


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## Tatsuhiko

PLEASE let your husband spend his life with a decent woman. Do the right thing for once in your life and divorce. That would actually be a more benevolent,


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## SunCMars

Sonja said:


> That is one way to see it, yes. Another way to see it is full soul engagement, its a spiritual union. But I will seriously not take this further in this thread.


With this, I must agree.

The OP is true to herself,_ she saw_ _the need _to defer her hurtful choices, yet the truth in her won the day.

The true her, is one who is polyamorous and free spirited..

She is also not in control of her mindful wishes.

While, she may feel that soulful union with her husband, her carnal urges are another matter, seemingly that compulsion.

She is a subject, a puppet of an afflicted Neptune, that fuzzy thinking master of delusion.
Keeping promises, and entertaining marriage is hard for her, as are any of the soporifics, i.e., drugs and alcohol, even wanton lust.



_King Brian-_


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## prayingforamiracle

OddOne said:


> Other than Quora, as you say, telling you not to confess, were you also told as you've been told by most here that you should get divorced, or have they been telling you the opposite? Because if you've been told pretty much the same as here as far as divorce vs. trying to become truly committed are concerned, perhaps you should take that into consideration.


That’s why I’m struggling. The majority on quora says to keep mum and be a better wife. Everyone here is saying “divorce, divorce!!!”.


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## prayingforamiracle

GusPolinski said:


> Geez.
> 
> Just divorce.


Says one with no skin in the game on a computer screen…. Surely you know that life is not so simple.


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## Diana7

prayingforamiracle said:


> That’s why I’m struggling. The majority on quora says to keep mum and be a better wife. Everyone here is saying “divorce, divorce!!!”.


As a Christian I could never lie to and deceive my husband by not telling him I had cheated. I just couldn't keep something so serious from him. Secrets between spouses are wrong, plus you are not letting your husband make an informed decision because he doesnt know.
Sorry but with what you have done in the last few years I think it's highly likely that you will cheat more times, possibly many more because you have no boundaries. 
Set him free.


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## Diana7

Sonja said:


> True but more serious then yelling? Its not often presented that way, but the Bible makes yelling extremely serious. It says everything you do to anyone, you do to God. I take this passage very seriously.
> 
> Note that Jesus did not condemn the adultress and simply said to her to stop sinning. The real meaning of the parable I take to be is to not condemn people and judge them, when oneself is sinful. If its not that, what do you think the parable means?
> 
> My view, which is biblical, is that any sin done out of love is less severe than a sin done with no love. My husband yelling at me can be done in loving frustration or with more dark motives. Matthew 25:40 says by yelling at me with dark motives he literally yells at God with dark motives. When he sleeps with another woman, it can done with love or without love to her. My view is that yelling at me with a dark motive is a bigger sin against God than sleeping with another woman lovingly.
> 
> Given the choice that my husband on occasion yells at me with dark motives, or on occasion sleeps with another woman out of love, I pick the second.
> 
> am not trying to convince you of this, just sharing views.


So it's ok to commit adultery as long as you love the other person. Hmmm. Not what the Bible says.


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## ccpowerslave

Maybe fidelity is like Carnegie Hall. You need to practice, practice, practice.

You made it up to a year without cheating, maybe next attempt you can go a year and 6 months. After a decade or so you might make it a few years without cheating.

Seriously though you’re both basically kids still. So you can chalk this one up as a mistake and move on and hopefully do better next time. This is one of the reasons many here are suggesting divorce. It will never be easier than now to do it.


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## BigDaddyNY

prayingforamiracle said:


> That’s why I’m struggling. The majority on quora says to keep mum and be a better wife. Everyone here is saying “divorce, divorce!!!”.


Yes they are saying that, because there is zero evidence that you are capable of fidelity to your husband and your marriage. What is different THIS time?


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## prayingforamiracle

GoldenR said:


> You're a serial cheater. You will NEVER stop. Never. No matter who you're with, you will cheat.
> 
> Divorce your H. Give him a chance at finding a real life and real love. Bc you don't care about him or his feelings, and you damn sure don't respect him.
> 
> You don't know how to love. Be single and have sex with everyone.
> 
> You can both be happy that way.
> 
> And there's no one else you'd rather spend your life with? How about the 3 guys that you've chosen OVER your husband. Surely they are your first 3 choices. Otherwise, why choose them over him, over and over again?


You barely know me, yet proceed to make judgement on what I will or will not do. How can you have any idea of that?

I do care very much. I know it doesn’t look that way from my actions, but I honestly do care for him. I’m sick with myself for hurting him so many times. I don’t want to divorce him. I want to make it work.

You say I don’t know how to love, how can you know this? From one extra long paragraph you know the depths of my person? That’s a big assumption on your part.

No I wouldn’t want to spend life with any of those creeps. I didn’t love them. Never have, never will. It’s only 2 guys actually. And again, no way in hell. I don’t want anything to do with them.


----------



## aine

You are very immature,

You have dabbled with a woman, cheated on the man you married, say you are a devout Christian (hummm, no you are not). You have alot of growing up to do. Please let your BH go. You are not marriage material at this point in your life. He has every right to divorce you (that is biblical). It is unfair and immoral of you not to tell him the whole truth. Let the chips fall where they may. if you are the devout Christian you say you are, then be honest, and suffer the consequences for your sin.


----------



## prayingforamiracle

SRCSRC said:


> All you seem to do is cheat. You continue to put yourself in ridiculous situations and then ultimately cheat. You are very young, immature, and broken. You certainly should not be married to anyone. Maybe one day, but it will take tremendous work on your part to be a safe partner for someone. Tell your husband that you cheated again. Divorce him. The fact that he has been violent with you is terrible. You should probably have someone there to stop him from getting physical when you tell him what you have done. Your marriage is very short and is not worth saving. I doubt it can be saved given the fact you can't stop cheating and he is physically abusive.
> 
> You must divorce him and move on. He is physically abusive and you are a cheater. That is a terrible combination. Whether you will ever be a decent partner is up to you. You need intensive therapy with someone versed in infidelity to get to the bottom of your behavior.


Young, immature, broken? Yes, this I can agree with. I do feel that’s an accurate description.

But I don’t want to divorce him… I want to love him. I want to serve him and give him happiness. I know I’ve effed up here, I know that full well. It’s no secret and I don’t claim to be innocent. I’m a sinner, plain and simple. I want to get on the right path again, to be what I should have been from the start. As far as him being “violent” is concerned, that is the only occasion he has ever laid a hand on me in anger.

He isn’t abusive. He was broken by me and reacted, that was one time only. There is so much more to him than one faulty reaction. I don’t define people by their mistakes. That being said, perhaps I do need therapy. I want to shape up, I don’t want to be that woman anymore.


----------



## BigDaddyNY

Sonja said:


> True but more serious then yelling? Its not often presented that way, but the Bible makes yelling extremely serious. It says everything you do to anyone, you do to God. I take this passage very seriously.
> 
> Note that Jesus did not condemn the adultress and simply said to her to stop sinning. The real meaning of the parable I take to be is to not condemn people and judge them, when oneself is sinful. If its not that, what do you think the parable means?
> 
> My view, which is biblical, is that any sin done out of love is less severe than a sin done with no love. My husband yelling at me can be done in loving frustration or with more dark motives. Matthew 25:40 says by yelling at me with dark motives he literally yells at God with dark motives. When he sleeps with another woman, it can done with love or without love to her. My view is that yelling at me with a dark motive is a bigger sin against God than sleeping with another woman lovingly.
> 
> Given the choice that my husband on occasion yells at me with dark motives, or on occasion sleeps with another woman out of love, I pick the second.
> 
> am not trying to convince you of this, just sharing views.


I thought you didn't dabble in hypothetical situations? You've said you won't know how you will react to a situation until you are in the middle of it. Yet here you have gone into the hypothetical.

Here's one for you. What if you husband slept with someone just for sex, but he did it out of love for you? He doesn't want to coerce you into having sex with him because you aren't interested anymore and actually find his appearance repulsive. So out of love for you he finds someone else to give him sexual release. You choose that over some yelling?


----------



## prayingforamiracle

Evinrude58 said:


> Great story of being faithful to him for “a whole year”.... after cheating on him twice. That’s a long time to be faithful! I don’t know how you did it.... He should totally take you back and forgive you. I mean, you were faithful for a whole year after all.


Why the snide comments? Who are you helping by saying these things? 

Nobody.

I know my sin is heavy and unwavering. I committed it all on my own. But stay on your pedestal of righteousness why don’t you and keep your judgements comments to minimum, lest they become more popular than actual advice to help us reform.


----------



## prayingforamiracle

Captain Obvious said:


> Good lord. Divorce already. Devout Christian serial cheater?? You do know that not committing adultery is one of the 10 Commandments?


I have failed again, this I know. I am aware of the weight of my sin and what it looks like to God. I am ashamed of myself. I want to do what’s right. I don’t want to give up on my marriage so easily.


----------



## prayingforamiracle

jjj858 said:


> Now that’s what I call yikes. You’re obviously young and immature and not ready to be in a committed relationship. You have no self control and can’t help yourself when it comes to attention from another man. You will continue to repeat this pattern. Quit trying to hang on to your husband as your fall back stable guy. You keep betraying him over and over. He’s a fool to keep putting up with your crap.


Young, yes. Immature, perhaps. Not ready for a committed relationship? Who’s to say?

I need to work on my self control and since this incident, I absolutely have. I don’t want to be that woman anymore. I will not falter again. He’s not my fall back stable guy, he’s my husband. He’s the man I grew up with. He knows me better than anyone else. Is he a fool? Really? As far as I’m concerned, he is more like Jesus than anyone I’ve ever met. I surely don’t deserve him, but yet, he loves me. I don’t see him as a fool.


----------



## BigDaddyNY

prayingforamiracle said:


> I have failed again, this I know. I am aware of the weight of my sin and what it looks like to God. I am ashamed of myself. I want to do what’s right. I don’t want to give up on my marriage so easily.


If you want to do it right, then you have to be fully truthful to your husband. Let him decide if he can forgive you, again, and remain married. If you just keep your mouth shut and stay married you will be lying to your husband everyday and he will be living a life that is built on a lie. This would be true even if you manage to never cheat again.


----------



## Blondilocks

prayingforamiracle said:


> I have failed again, this I know. I am aware of the weight of my sin and what it looks like to God. I am ashamed of myself. I want to do what’s right. I don’t want to give up on my marriage so easily.


You are making this all about what you want with no regard for what your husband might want. If you care even a little bit about him, allow him the dignity of deciding for himself if he wants to continue being married to you.

You make it sound like the only reason you are now keeping your legs closed is because of the guilt of your past actions. The guilt will become tiresome and at some point will be sloughed off when the next shiny thing appears.


----------



## BigDaddyNY

prayingforamiracle said:


> Young, yes. Immature, perhaps. Not ready for a committed relationship? Who’s to say?
> 
> I need to work on my self control and since this incident, I absolutely have. I don’t want to be that woman anymore. I will not falter again. He’s not my fall back stable guy, he’s my husband. He’s the man I grew up with. He knows me better than anyone else. Is he a fool? Really? As far as I’m concerned, he is more like Jesus than anyone I’ve ever met. I surely don’t deserve him, but yet, he loves me. I don’t see him as a fool.


I bet you said/thought similar things after the first and second times you cheated. What is different this time?


----------



## prayingforamiracle

BigDaddyNY said:


> Yes they are saying that, because there is zero evidence that you are capable of fidelity to your husband and your marriage. What is different THIS time?


What must I do to prove that I am capable? I don’t want to end my marriage… it’s only been a year. I don’t want to throw away the only thing in life that’s ever mattered to me. I don’t want to throw away the person I promised to love and cherish forever. I will do whatever it takes to make it right. I will do whatever it takes to make him happy.


----------



## GusPolinski

prayingforamiracle said:


> Says one with no skin in the game on a computer screen…. Surely you know that life is not so simple.


I’ve got no skin in _your_ game — you do, and look at the ******** you keep pulling.

Life is as simple as you make it: you make a vow, you keep it. You break it, you own up to it.

If you have more contempt for my words than you do for your own actions, then you’re not at all suited for either marriage or reconciliation.

I suspect you already know that, though.


----------



## BigDaddyNY

prayingforamiracle said:


> What must I do to prove that I am capable? I don’t want to end my marriage… it’s only been a year. I don’t want to throw away the only thing in life that’s ever mattered to me. I don’t want to throw away the person I promised to love and cherish forever. I will do whatever it takes to make it right. I will do whatever it takes to make him happy.


You basically destroyed your marriage and threw away your husband every time you engaged via text/phone with your boys, every time you kissed them, let them feel your body, every time you let them penetrate your body, EVERY single time. You have to tell him and ask him what he needs to be happy. Which may mean getting away from you. Are you prepared for that? Will you really do whatever it take?


----------



## TDSC60

Your husband deserves the chance to make his own informed decision about his future. Thus he deserves to know the truth about what you have done.

The basis of Christian faith is a truly repenant sinner confesses and asks to be forgiven. Your husband deserves the same.


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## GusPolinski

prayingforamiracle said:


> That’s why I’m struggling. The majority on quora says to keep mum and be a better wife. Everyone here is saying “divorce, divorce!!!”.


At what point should you confess?

Once you’ve cheated 4 times? 5? 10?

Once you’ve given him an STD?

Once he’s spent several years of his life raising a child — or children — that aren’t his?

How about 2 affairs ago? Or, since it’s too late for that, right now — right this minute?


----------



## prayingforamiracle

BigDaddyNY said:


> If you want to do it right, then you have to be fully truthful to your husband. Let him decide if he can forgive you, again, and remain married. If you just keep your mouth shut and stay married you will be lying to your husband everyday and he will be living a life that is built on a lie. This would be true even if you manage to never cheat again.


I just… I’m so scared of what that will look like for him. Im scared he’ll kill himself after I tell him. Im scared of so many things. I love him and I do want to tell him and be honest, but I fear the very worst things will happen. I don’t want to ruin his life with this knowledge. If the burden is not shared, is that really such a horrible thing? I don’t want to hold him captive but I do no want to risk the possible of him ending his life over my guilty conscience. I am terrified of what could happen if I share this with him.


----------



## Diceplayer

prayingforamiracle said:


> What must I do to prove that I am capable? I don’t want to end my marriage… it’s only been a year.* I don’t want to throw away the only thing in life that’s ever mattered to me. I don’t want to throw away the person I promised to love and cherish forever.* I will do whatever it takes to make it right. I will do whatever it takes to make him happy.


You already have.

Face it, if you really want to make it right, you have to tell your husband, otherwise you are lying to him every day by omission. He has a right to know and a right to make up his own mind about this marriage. You claim to be a Christian so you should know that there is no forgiveness without confession. Tell him and face the consequences.


----------



## prayingforamiracle

GusPolinski said:


> At what point should you confess?
> 
> Once you’ve cheated 4 times? 5? 10?
> 
> Once you’ve given him an STD?
> 
> Once he’s spent several years of his life raising a child — or children — that aren’t his?
> 
> How about 2 affairs ago? Or, since it’s too late for that, right now — right this minute?


I did confess to the others, what exactly are you getting at?

This time I have seen the error of my ways all on my own. I ended it on my own. I am torturing myself with it all alone. How could confession of this, something I never dare do again, be a helpful thing for my marriage now? How could it help an already broken man to feel better? I don’t believe it can. And I will never place myself in any position for this type of activity again. I do not want anyone but him.


----------



## GusPolinski

prayingforamiracle said:


> I just… I’m so scared of what that will look like for him. Im scared he’ll kill himself after I tell him. Im scared of so many things. I love him and I do want to tell him and be honest, but I fear the very worst things will happen. I don’t want to ruin his life with this knowledge. If the burden is not shared, is that really such a horrible thing? I don’t want to hold him captive but I do no want to risk the possible of him ending his life over my guilty conscience. I am terrified of what could happen if I share this with him.


So what are you prepared to do in order to ensure that you never cheat again?

At the absolute bare minimum, any and all involvement with any sort of therter activity should be gone forever, right?

What else?


----------



## prayingforamiracle

Diceplayer said:


> You already have.
> 
> Face it, if you really want to make it right, you have to tell your husband, otherwise you are lying to him every day by omission. He has a right to know and a right to make up his own mind about this marriage. You claim to be a Christian so you should know that there is no forgiveness without confession. Tell him and face the consequences.


Forgiveness is not hinged on confession to another person UNLESS, they are aware of being hurt by the other party. God is clear, only He can forgive sins. I don’t believe God would want me to hurt him with this knowledge if I have turned and sinned no more. How could that help anything? What, to break down a marriage that is finally on the right track?


----------



## gr8ful1

prayingforamiracle said:


> I don’t see him as a fool.


And yet, if you don’t confess to him, it is YOU who makes him an _unwitting _fool. Why do you give no room for God’s grace here? Your username is ‘prayingforamicracle’. The right thing to do is tell him and, pray for a miracle. To do otherwise (lie by omission for the rest of his life) is simply evil. Please understand that such a massive lie of omission is unrepentant sin, and what does God say about the state of unrepentant sinners?



prayingforamiracle said:


> I don’t want to throw away the person I promised to love and cherish forever.


This is critical: you ALREADY have thrown him away. Your marriage no longer exists, except on paper with the state. Confessing to him gives you at least the opportunity to start a new, perhaps even Christian, marriage from the ashes of this current “marriage”.

I pray you do what is right. There will be consequences for what you’ve done the rest of your life - not from us but from God, as He cannot be mocked when it comes to sin. That‘s not necessarily punishment either - if you truly are a redeemed daughter of Christ (your actions strongly hint otherwise) then God will discipline you for your own good. Get out in front of it with truth - you know, the thing Jesus said sets you free?


----------



## GusPolinski

prayingforamiracle said:


> I did confess to the others, what exactly are you getting at?
> 
> This time I have seen the error of my ways all on my own. I ended it on my own. I am torturing myself with it all alone. How could confession of this, something I never dare do again, be a helpful thing for my marriage now? How could it help an already broken man to feel better? I don’t believe it can. And I will never place myself in any position for this type of activity again. I do not want anyone but him.


Confession involves speaking the truth to those to whom you are rightfully held to account for your actions. You didn’t cheat on your friends or anyone here or Quora — you cheated on your husband.


----------



## Blondilocks

The possibility of him killing himself didn't bother you when you cheated on him. Why are you so scared, now? Could it be because you don't want to have your apple cart upset? You don't want to have to face consequences for your choices?

Feigning concern for your husband and acting like you are protecting him is hogwash and you know it. Please stop claiming to be a Christian.


----------



## prayingforamiracle

aine said:


> You are very immature,
> 
> You have dabbled with a woman, cheated on the man you married, say you are a devout Christian (hummm, no you are not). You have alot of growing up to do. Please let your BH go. You are not marriage material at this point in your life. He has every right to divorce you (that is biblical). It is unfair and immoral of you not to tell him the whole truth. Let the chips fall where they may. if you are the devout Christian you say you are, then be honest, and suffer the consequences for your sin.


I am a sinner who hates what I have done. I know he has every right to divorce me, this I am aware of. To not tell him the truth is another matter. As I said before, forgiveness of sins is not hinged on confess to another party, only to God. Especially if the other party is not aware of the sin. How would that make anything better by telling him if I have truly repented (meaning to change one’s mind) and never fallen again?


----------



## GoldenR

prayingforamiracle said:


> You barely know me, yet proceed to make judgement on what I will or will not do. How can you have any idea of that?
> 
> I do care very much. I know it doesn’t look that way from my actions, but I honestly do care for him. I’m sick with myself for hurting him so many times. I don’t want to divorce him. I want to make it work.
> 
> You say I don’t know how to love, how can you know this? From one extra long paragraph you know the depths of my person? That’s a big assumption on your part.
> 
> No I wouldn’t want to spend life with any of those creeps. I didn’t love them. Never have, never will. It’s only 2 guys actually. And again, no way in hell. I don’t want anything to do with them.


Actions speak louder than words. If you cheat, you don't love your H. Plain and ****ing as simple as that. 

People that truly love their spouses would never do anything that could destroy them. Never. But you have, many times. There's no love that. None at all. 

You can deny how you feel about those guys all you want, but again ACTIONS>WORDS. You cheated with them knowing it would hurt your H like he has never been hurt before. You valued those men over your husband, many times. 

Go to one of them and live happily ever after. 

Leave your poor husband alone. It's clear that you enjoy hurting him, haven't you done enough of that? If you stay with him, he will never stop hurting.


----------



## prayingforamiracle

Blondilocks said:


> The possibility of him killing himself didn't bother you when you cheated on him. Why are you so scared, now? Could it be because you don't want to have your apple cart upset? You don't want to have to face consequences for your choices?
> 
> Feigning concern for your husband and acting like you are protecting him is hogwash and you know it. Please stop claiming to be a Christian.


I can claim whatever I want, thank you. Proceed to know my heart and what relationship I have with my savior why don’t you.

Who’s to say I’m not facing an consequences? Do you know how it feels to carry this stone in your heart of knowing how horrible you are and what you’ve done? Do you know what it feels like day in and day out being tortured by the guilt and shame of knowing what a piece of garbage you are? Believe me, I am suffering. And as much as I’d love to throw that suffering to my husband so I don’t have to carry it anymore, I just can’t. He doesn’t deserve anymore horrors in his life.


----------



## prayingforamiracle

BigDaddyNY said:


> I bet you said/thought similar things after the first and second times you cheated. What is different this time?


I actually believe them this time. I’m horrified with myself and my actions. I’m horrified at the thought of the downward spiral I would be on if I keep up this kind of behavior. 

I am sobered to the reality that I could lose everything because I was selfish. I didn’t care about anyone but me in my moments of weakness. That shall no longer be true.


----------



## Blondilocks

prayingforamiracle said:


> He doesn’t deserve anymore horrors in his life.


No, he doesn't. Which is why he needs to divorce you because you just don't get it.


----------



## GoldenR

prayingforamiracle said:


> He doesn’t deserve anymore horrors in his life.


Then why do you want to stay with him? You're the biggest horror ever of his life.


----------



## prayingforamiracle

Evinrude58 said:


> You should tell him you cheated. Do it in a public place where it’s safer. Then divorce him since I doubt he will divorce you.
> Honestly, you will just bring yourself and your husband more harm if you stay married.
> You know as well as we do that this won’t be the last incident of infidelity.


I don’t know that actually. I know that I have been given a wake up call on my horrible behavior. I know that if I continue down that road, there will only be misery and destruction. 

As far as a public confession, I could think of nothing worse. How would that be any better? If I’m going to confess, it will be privately. And if I get beat, I deserve every bruise. I will not subject him to public humiliation. I don’t want to divorce him. I do not want to give up on this marriage.


----------



## Lostinthought61

prayingforamiracle said:


> I am a sinner who hates what I have done. I know he has every right to divorce me, this I am aware of. To not tell him the truth is another matter. As I said before, forgiveness of sins is not hinged on confess to another party, only to God. Especially if the other party is not aware of the sin. How would that make anything better by telling him if I have truly repented (meaning to change one’s mind) and never fallen again?


I absolutely disagree with your assessment....you are trying to say as long as you tell god and he forgives you then you have no obligation to tell your husband the truth? Does not your husband have the right to have a say in your transgressions and lies? Does he not have a right to be married to some who is not a Jezebel, to someone who has no problem drinking in excess and playing with men not her husband.....if you are going to use the bible when it suit your cause then you better brush up on the ten commandments.......render on to god what is god and on to Caesar what is Caesar in other words your actions may have been blessed by God but not by man meaning you live in the real world and what your actions did was against a real man your husband. Your hypocrisy is absurd.


----------



## BigDaddyNY

prayingforamiracle said:


> I actually believe them this time. I’m horrified with myself and my actions. I’m horrified at the thought of the downward spiral I would be on if I keep up this kind of behavior.
> 
> I am sobered to the reality that I could lose everything because I was selfish. I didn’t care about anyone but me in my moments of weakness. That shall no longer be true.


Well, two choices. Don't tell him and hope he never finds out. Of course if he finds out 5, 10, 20 years from now, how do you think he will feel knowing he's been living a lie? The other option is tell him and pray for a miracle. Ultimately it is you that has to decide.


----------



## BigDaddyNY

prayingforamiracle said:


> I don’t know that actually. I know that I have been given a wake up call on my horrible behavior. I know that if I continue down that road, there will only be misery and destruction.
> 
> As far as a public confession, I could think of nothing worse. How would that be any better? If I’m going to confess, it will be privately. And if I get beat, I deserve every bruise. I will not subject him to public humiliation. I don’t want to divorce him. I do not want to give up on this marriage.


As appalled and disgusted I am by your behavior, you do not under any circumstances deserve to get a beating. That is not acceptable under any circumstances. That isn't what a real man does.


----------



## gr8ful1

prayingforamiracle said:


> I don’t want to hold him captive but I do no want to risk the possible of him ending his life over my guilty conscience. I am terrified of what could happen if I share this with him.


If you loved him, you would tell him in such a way where he could be surrounded by others who love him (family, good friends etc.), at which point you leave for a period of separation to let him come to grips with this nuclear detonation. Again, why do you leave no room for God‘s grace here? No we can’t fully see into your heart, but your concern smells like another excuse not to tell him.



prayingforamiracle said:


> As I said before, forgiveness of sins is not hinged on confess to another party, only to God.


At the risk of being rebuked for mentioning Biblical theology, if what you said is true, why did Jesus stress that one was NOT to worship when another had something against you. What did He say? He said in effect, go to your brother, make things right as far as you can (in your case CONFESS) and THEN go and worship. In other words, you are not in a right state with God when you’re in a massively-wrong state with others, due to something you’re to blame for.

When Jesus was asked to summarize the law of God, He said “Love the Lord your God with all your heart, and love your neighbor as yourself”. This man is supposed to be much more than your neighbor. A man you made vows BEFORE GOD to be faithful to. To withhold such a life-impacting truth from him is NOT love, but a lie to protect yourself. Sadly, you’re still in self-protection mode, which is why you’re giving such weight to the “it’s better for him that he doesn’t know” arguments. If you are a Christian as you claim, do you NOT know that this sin will one day be exposed to your husband and the world? Wouldn’t it be FAR better to have that openly confessed NOW?


----------



## ABHale

prayingforamiracle said:


> Says one with no skin in the game on a computer screen…. Surely you know that life is not so simple.


All of us here know life isn’t simple.

So what you had a f’up childhood, join the club. That doesn’t mean you are not responsible for your actions. Grow the hell up and tell your husband what you did. Seeing how he became violent the last time, I suggest you do it away from him by letter or phone call. You never deserved to be hit or choked for what you have done.

The reason I am saying divorce is because you know damn well your husband will do just that when he finds out what you have done.


----------



## prayingforamiracle

GusPolinski said:


> So what are you prepared to do in order to ensure that you never cheat again?
> 
> At the absolute bare minimum, any and all involvement with any sort of therter activity should be gone forever, right?
> 
> What else?


Yes, I am finished with theatre for good. I had decided that back when the incident occurred. I will no longer involve myself with any theatre nor productions.

I will only drink alcohol with my husband and my best friend. Not in a group. And not in any place like a bar or club. I’ve never been to either and don’t want to anyways.

I won’t talk to any guys that try to talk to me via text or dm messaging through social media. I’m fact, I won’t interact at all whatsoever. This isn’t any type of common occurrence with me though, so it’s not hard to prohibit.

What more do you believe would be sufficient? I don’t want to be that kind of woman anymore. I don’t want to be a cheater.


----------



## ABHale

prayingforamiracle said:


> You barely know me, yet proceed to make judgement on what I will or will not do. How can you have any idea of that?
> 
> I do care very much. I know it doesn’t look that way from my actions, but I honestly do care for him. I’m sick with myself for hurting him so many times. I don’t want to divorce him. I want to make it work.
> 
> You say I don’t know how to love, how can you know this? From one extra long paragraph you know the depths of my person? That’s a big assumption on your part.
> 
> No I wouldn’t want to spend life with any of those creeps. I didn’t love them. Never have, never will. It’s only 2 guys actually. And again, no way in hell. I don’t want anything to do with them.


You can’t make it work on a lie.

Those creeps as you call them were the one you destroyed your marriage to ****.

Just look in the mirror, that reflecting is the one person responsible for what happened. She is the one that betrayed her husband and is now living a lie with him.


----------



## Blondilocks

prayingforamiracle said:


> What more do you believe would be sufficient?


Stop playing God and show your husband some respect.


----------



## ccpowerslave

prayingforamiracle said:


> Young, yes. Immature, perhaps. Not ready for a committed relationship? Who’s to say


Evidence of not ready for a committed relationship: frequent cheating, youth

Based on this evidence I don’t think it’s much of a stretch to say you’re not ready.


----------



## GusPolinski

prayingforamiracle said:


> Yes, I am finished with theatre for good. I had decided that back when the incident occurred. I will no longer involve myself with any theatre nor productions.
> 
> I will only drink alcohol with my husband and my best friend. Not in a group. And not in any place like a bar or club. I’ve never been to either and don’t want to anyways.
> 
> I won’t talk to any guys that try to talk to me via text or dm messaging through social media. I’m fact, I won’t interact at all whatsoever. This isn’t any type of common occurrence with me though, so it’s not hard to prohibit.
> 
> What more do you believe would be sufficient? I don’t want to be that kind of woman anymore. I don’t want to be a cheater.


But you already are, and there’s but a single way to go from cheater to former cheater, and that involves confessing the truth to your husband.

For as long as you’re hiding the truth from your husband, you’re still cheating on him in that you’re denying him the right to make informed decisions for himself and his life going forward based on the truth.

If you’ve read the Bible in any way that suggests that truth isnt necessary for either forgiveness or reconciliation, you’ve been misreading it, though I can’t say whether that’s out of a moral escapist intent or just naiveté.

That said, I’m beginning to suspect the former.


----------



## Evinrude58

prayingforamiracle said:


> Why the snide comments? Who are you helping by saying these things?
> 
> Nobody.
> 
> I know my sin is heavy and unwavering. I committed it all on my own. But stay on your pedestal of righteousness why don’t you and keep your judgements comments to minimum, lest they become more popular than actual advice to help us reform.


I really thought your thread wasn’t serious.
Sorry.
If it is, I hope you realize that you cheat with every man you come in contact with that gives you attention and that you think is handsome. You have zero self control. But most importantly, of you loved your husband as you say you do, you wouldn’t have all these temptations that you find at every turn on your life. 
Your actions are what is important to your husband. Your words have no meaning. Your words were that you’d love and cherish him. You haven’t. It wasn’t one mistake.  It’s been a string of three separate events, three different men. All while claiming he’s the love of your life. He’s not.

please, don’t get all jacked out of shape because internet strangers are judging you. We only have the actions that you’ve given us to go on. Those actions are pretty much 100% a predictor if you cheating in the future. You’ve done it with three different guys.
You’re too young, inexperienced with men, and lacking in self control to be faithful, and I seriously doubt that you will be able to be faithful to any husband for years, if ever.

If you’ve been advised not to tell your husband, I feel that is advice from people without conscience. If you really love your husband, or have any feelings for him, you’ll tell him the truth so he can make up his own mind. I think he will be very upset but won’t divorce you. But he should and you should let him go.


----------



## ABHale

prayingforamiracle said:


> I have failed again, this I know. I am aware of the weight of my sin and what it looks like to God. I am ashamed of myself. I want to do what’s right. I don’t want to give up on my marriage so easily.



Your sin is between you and God.

You betrayal is between you and your husband, he has the right to know what you did. He has the right to choose to stay yet again. You don’t have the right to make that choice for him just because you want to love him.

You don’t love your husband. You could never have done what you did if you loved him.


----------



## Evinrude58

prayingforamiracle said:


> I don’t know that actually. I know that I have been given a wake up call on my horrible behavior. I know that if I continue down that road, there will only be misery and destruction.
> 
> As far as a public confession, I could think of nothing worse. How would that be any better? If I’m going to confess, it will be privately. And if I get beat, I deserve every bruise. I will not subject him to public humiliation. I don’t want to divorce him. I do not want to give up on this marriage.


I don’t mean do it publicly , just do it in a public place so there’s less chance of him strangling you. You claim you are suffering. 
Well you suffered the first and second time, but still did it a third.
You aren’t telling him because you don’t want any real consequences for your actions.
And regardless of what you’ve done, getting beaten is not what you deserve. You deserve to be divorced. Surely you know that???
Your husband won’t divorce you. He had two chances before marriage to do that. He didn’t.
But he’s going to be angry. At himself. Because fool me once, shame on you. Fool me thrice, shake on me.

you are engaging in some Olympic level mental gymnastics in convincing yourself you’re saving him by not telling the truth. The fact is, you’re saving yourself. And how you Feel at present is the most important thing for you.


----------



## Sonja

BigDaddyNY said:


> I thought you didn't dabble in hypothetical situations? You've said you won't know how you will react to a situation until you are in the middle of it. Yet here you have gone into the hypothetical.
> 
> Here's one for you. What if you husband slept with someone just for sex, but he did it out of love for you? He doesn't want to coerce you into having sex with him because you aren't interested anymore and actually find his appearance repulsive. So out of love for you he finds someone else to give him sexual release. You choose that over some yelling?


I dont deal with hypotheticals in how I feel in a what/if situation. I just dont know. Intellectually I can examine situations. There is no contradiction.

The answer is yes.


----------



## Sfort

There are sins of commission (cheating on your husband) and sins of omission (not telling him and letting him make his own decision how he wants to live the rest of his life). "Do good", tell him, and give HIM the option.

James 4:17 "Therefore, to him who knows to do good and does not do _it,_ to him it is sin."


----------



## rugswept

PFM: you'll be just fine. Soon enough some new man will "comfort" you and "understand" you on all that you have done. And you will show the new man how "grateful" you are. Things are good.


----------



## uphillbattle

prayingforamiracle said:


> Says one with no skin in the game on a computer screen…. Surely you know that life is not so simple.


Life no, but being a decent human being is.


----------



## In Absentia

prayingforamiracle said:


> Edit: wow… this community is cold blooded. I guess I can’t blame you. Thanks for the horrible honesty, it barely made a dent.


Not a good place for a cheater looking for absolution...


----------



## DallasCowboyFan

What you are missing is repentance. You can ask your husband or God for forgiveness, but you have to stop doing it. You have to stop communication with other males and not allow even a little texting, talking or hanging out. You need to only drink alone with your husband. You can't fix what you have already done. 

You have to tell him. This is the kind of secret that is going to come out of the closet. Either you get it out of the way or someone who knows will tell someone and it will get back to him, but it may be 15 years and two kids later and it will be a much bigger mess because it may mean divorce and even more resentment on his part because the secret and the betrayal has aged. You don't want to wait until there are children or much time has lapsed because it will make him even more upset and even keeping this secret is an additional betrayal. 

Maybe he will get past this, maybe he won't, but it will be his decision. Your only decision is when he finds out and from whom.


----------



## Sonja

DallasCowboyFan said:


> What you are missing is repentance. You can ask your husband or God for forgiveness, but you have to stop doing it. You have to stop communication with other males and not allow even a little texting, talking or hanging out. You need to only drink alone with your husband. You can't fix what you have already done.
> 
> You have to tell him. This is the kind of secret that is going to come out of the closet. Either you get it out of the way or someone who knows will tell someone and it will get back to him, but it may be 15 years and two kids later and it will be a much bigger mess because it may mean divorce and even more resentment on his part because the secret and the betrayal has aged. You don't want to wait until there are children or much time has lapsed because it will make him even more upset and even keeping this secret is an additional betrayal.
> 
> Maybe he will get past this, maybe he won't, but it will be his decision. Your only decision is when he finds out and from whom.


The most telling part was that she knew full what he wanted and had a few drinks before visiting with him. The outcome was clear to her before. And thats the outcome she wanted.


----------



## In Absentia

Too early to marry at 20. A lot to explore yet.


----------



## Diana7

prayingforamiracle said:


> I have failed again, this I know. I am aware of the weight of my sin and what it looks like to God. I am ashamed of myself. I want to do what’s right. I don’t want to give up on my marriage so easily.


God tells us to be honest. Surely you know that? Deceiving your husband is a sin pure and simple. You need the tell him. He may or may not end the marriage but that is his decision not yours.
It's cruel and unloving to deceive him in this way.


----------



## Diana7

prayingforamiracle said:


> Forgiveness is not hinged on confession to another person UNLESS, they are aware of being hurt by the other party. God is clear, only He can forgive sins. I don’t believe God would want me to hurt him with this knowledge if I have turned and sinned no more. How could that help anything? What, to break down a marriage that is finally on the right track?


You are looking for loopholes to avoid being honest. Lying and deception are sins. God tells us to be honest. 
You know it's wrong so stop making excuses not to do the right thing.


----------



## Diana7

prayingforamiracle said:


> I am a sinner who hates what I have done. I know he has every right to divorce me, this I am aware of. To not tell him the truth is another matter. As I said before, forgiveness of sins is not hinged on confess to another party, only to God. Especially if the other party is not aware of the sin. How would that make anything better by telling him if I have truly repented (meaning to change one’s mind) and never fallen again?


You are still looking for excuses. Not telling him is wrong.


----------



## blahfridge

@prayingforamiracle, I've read through your thread and here is my advice. I too believe that you should tell your H. But if you can't get there yet, then at a minimum you need to start intensive therapy now. You can talk to your pastor first and confess to him or her. They can help you find a therapist, or find one yourself that takes your insurance. 

Despite your avowals that you will never cheat again, you are very young and immature. You've had a difficult childhood and you need help to understand yourself and why you have behaved in such a destructive and damaging way toward yourself and your husband.


----------



## BetrayedDad

Lostinthought61 said:


> I absolutely disagree with your assessment....you are trying to say as long as you tell god and he forgives you then you have no obligation to tell your husband the truth? Does not your husband have the right to have a say in your transgressions and lies? Does he not have a right to be married to some who is not a Jezebel, to someone who has no problem drinking in excess and playing with men not her husband.....if you are going to use the bible when it suit your cause then you better brush up on the ten commandments.......render on to god what is god and on to Caesar what is Caesar in other words your actions may have been blessed by God but not by man meaning you live in the real world and what your actions did was against a real man your husband. Your hypocrisy is absurd.


Machiavellian...


----------



## Casual Observer

prayingforamiracle said:


> Young, yes. Immature, perhaps. Not ready for a committed relationship? Who’s to say?
> 
> I need to work on my self control and since this incident, I absolutely have. I don’t want to be that woman anymore. I will not falter again. He’s not my fall back stable guy, he’s my husband. He’s the man I grew up with. He knows me better than anyone else. Is he a fool? Really? As far as I’m concerned, he is more like Jesus than anyone I’ve ever met. I surely don’t deserve him, but yet, he loves me. I don’t see him as a fool.





> He’s not my fall back stable guy, he’s my husband. He’s the man I grew up with. He knows me better than anyone else. Is he a fool? Really? As far as I’m concerned, he is more like Jesus than anyone I’ve ever met. I surely don’t deserve him, but yet, he loves me. I don’t see him as a fool.


He may know you better than anyone else, but he doesn't actually know you. He fell in love with someone who didn't exist. You weren't truthful with him; you denied him agency. I think it likely you married him thinking he could "fix" you, and, here's the most-important thing, had you been honest with him upfront, maybe he could have. But you weren't in a place where that could happen because...


> Not ready for a committed relationship? Who’s to say?


No, you aren't ready. You made what, to you, was a shameful, terrible decision a while back, that you felt horribly guilty about. And that shame and guilt threw you into a repeating cycle, a sort of self-medication where the easiest thing to do is more of the same. Not everybody is affected like you were. Your background, your religious upbringing, all contributed to the mess you've made of yourself. But it is not a mess that can be easily undone at this point. There's a Star Trek line that's very relevant here.

What you want is irrelevant. What you have chosen is at hand.

And there is no quick fix. None. Stop looking for one. It's going to take years of therapy and/or close friendships people who aren't afraid to be truthful with you, people you respect, to get you into a better place. Your husband is not not NOT part of that group. It would be terribly unfair to him to give him that task. He will fail at it, and lose a good part of his soul and a lot of years in the process.

I married a version of you. She thought marrying me could "fix" her issues. And so what happens? She views everything she did with "those guys" in an extremely negative way, so... we're trying to undo 40+ years of negative views about sexuality because, in her mind, she was supposed to be saving sex as a gift to her husband on her wedding night. Sound familiar? And when she failed... several times... with different guys... each time repeating that same mantra before the relationship was fully sexual (I'm saving myself for...)... her self esteem became completely broken. Her desire to lie, to tell people what they wanted to hear, ruled the day because she didn't want to be judged. And all of this led to her inability to actually do anything positive to deal with her issues. She even blamed her lack of interest in marital sex on me, because we had sex before we married and wanted me to believe she'd never had sex before. I carried that guilt for decades until the truth finally came out. She certainly had no lack of interest in sex previously, but I was chosen to escape all that.

Any of this sounding familiar to you?

The best gift you can give to your husband is to set him free. Maybe you can show him this post and he can decide on his own. He has to realize though, there is no quick fix for you. Your shame and guilt has stopped you from progressing, from learning, from being able to be a good wife and mother. You probably haven't even hit bottom yet. He doesn't deserve to be there when you do.


----------



## GoldenR

Sonja said:


> I say its a lesser sin. Mystic catholicsm holds that I am not a source of love. God is the only source of love. Love is a dangerous word because everyone understands something different with what it means. My meaning of Love is love happens when I intuit the light in the soul of another, and that light is always the light of God that is within. So any act of love, thus defined, is union with God. Any sexual union done in pure love, in pure merging of the lights of soul, is sacred. It is my view.


So you're participating in an infidelity forum where people show up here totally shattered and destroyed bc they've been betrayed by the person they trusted the most, and you're words of comfort are "Hey....if they loved each other, it's not so bad. In fact, what they did is sacred."?

Smmfh...


----------



## Sonja

GoldenR said:


> So you're participating in an infidelity forum where people show up here totally shattered and destroyed bc they've been betrayed by the person they trusted the most, and you're words of comfort are "Hey....if they loved each other, it's not so bad. In fact, what they did is sacred."?
> 
> Smmfh...


I share from my perspective.


----------



## jjj858

Sonja wrote:
“My meaning of Love is love happens when I intuit the light in the soul of another, and that light is always the light of God that is within. So any act of love, thus defined, is union with God. Any sexual union done in pure love, in pure merging of the lights of soul, is sacred. It is my view.”

that is like some weird new age mumbo jumbo viewpoint. God quite specifically says that adultery is a sin in the Bible and does give consent to divorce in the instance of sexual immorality, therefore no…adultery sex is no union with God and there is nothing sacred about it. It is sin.


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## jjj858

OP may be the worst person I’ve met all week.
She wants total forgiveness and absolution for what she’s done repeatedly, but doesn’t want to let her husband know or give him any agency to make his own decision as to whether he wants to stay married to a compulsive serial cheater. She wants to decide for him. 

Her saying she’s never going to cheat again and she’s a changed person now is about as likely as Scott Weiland fresh from rehab saying he’s not going to hit the heroin needle again.


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## Sonja

hinterdir said:


> Really MODS????
> 
> REALLY?????
> 
> This board has some crazy, sensitive, control freak mods at times.
> 
> You deleted an entire post....with all of the scripture references and advising about love since she mentioned "devout Christian"
> 
> 
> Oh.....but wait, I mentioned at that start that her situation seemed so over the top I wondered if it were a real situation or if this was a troll post.
> 
> Oh dear.....blasphemy........delete that entire thread.
> This is the most sensitive, kid glove site I've ever been on in my life with the mods on here sometimes.


I am learning that what I consider relevant items are considered threadjack. It is what it is, I am still new here.


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## BigDaddyNY

Sonja said:


> I am learning that what I consider relevant items are considered threadjack. It is what it is, I am still new here.


This is different. It is an explicit rule of TAM that you do not accuse someone of spinning a false story, even though they do seem quite outrageous at times. If you suspect a troll and a flase story you should report it, not call it out in the thread.


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## Sfort

Sonja said:


> I am learning that what I consider relevant items are considered threadjack. It is what it is, I am still new here.


Another thing you never do is attack the mods. Stay tuned.


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## TXTrini

OP,
What is your purpose here? You come to a pro-marriage board, and expect people to kiss your butt and tell you it's ok to lie to your husband b/c you've changed! To add insult to injury, you pretend to be Christian and spout a bunch of masturbatory crap to justify why you're suddenly changed, so no need to expose your rotten core.

Maybe you should reread the 10 commandments, you know, keep it simple.



prayingforamiracle said:


> Forgiveness is not hinged on confession to another person UNLESS, they are aware of being hurt by the other party. God is clear, only He can forgive sins. I don’t believe God would want me to hurt him with this knowledge if I have turned and sinned no more. How could that help anything? What, to break down a marriage that is finally on the right track?


Mental gymnastics.



prayingforamiracle said:


> I am a sinner who hates what I have done. I know he has every right to divorce me, this I am aware of. To not tell him the truth is another matter. As I said before, forgiveness of sins is not hinged on confess to another party, only to God. Especially if the other party is not aware of the sin. How would that make anything better by telling him if I have truly repented (meaning to change one’s mind) and never fallen again?


More mental gymnastics.

If you're serious about wanting to be a better person and change your life, grow up! Acknowledge what you've done, accept the consequences and commit to real change, regardless of the cost.

You're not noble for carrying a dark secret and "suffering in silence", this is not some play, this is real life with real consequences for your husband's mental and physical health. Have you been tested for STDs? He needs to know he's ploughing the swamp.


----------



## ccpowerslave

TXTrini said:


> He needs to know he's ploughing the swamp.


I heard somewhere it is possible to drain the swamp. Also in that case it might be worth enlisting Shrek “Wot are you doin’ in me swamp!?”


----------



## MattMatt

hinterdir said:


> Really MODS????
> 
> REDACTED


*Because this is not the religious sub-section. It was off topic.*


----------



## Diana7

jjj858 said:


> Sonja wrote:
> “My meaning of Love is love happens when I intuit the light in the soul of another, and that light is always the light of God that is within. So any act of love, thus defined, is union with God. Any sexual union done in pure love, in pure merging of the lights of soul, is sacred. It is my view.”
> 
> that is like some weird new age mumbo jumbo viewpoint. God quite specifically says that adultery is a sin in the Bible and does give consent to divorce in the instance of sexual immorality, therefore no…adultery sex is no union with God and there is nothing sacred about it. It is sin.


Absolutely. Sin is sin. 'Love' doesn't excuse sin. A child abuser can say he loved the child he abused. A married man can say he loved the married women he committed adultery with. God tells us to be faithful and that adultery is a very serious sin. This sort of 'love' that excuses sin isn't Gods love.


----------



## Diana7

Sonja said:


> I share from my perspective.


Its not the Bibles perspective though.


----------



## BigDaddyNY

Diana7 said:


> Absolutely. Sin is sin. 'Love' doesn't excuse sin. A child abuser can say he loved the child he abused. A married man can say he loved the married women he committed adultery with. God tells us to be faithful and that adultery is a very serious sin. This sort of 'love' that excuses sin isn't Gods love.


A cheater may be doing it out of love for their AP, but it in no way negates the hurt brought on the other spouse and the family. To think that all the lying, cheating and selfishness is just simply overlooked because there was love in your heart while bonking your AP it completely ridiculous. 

I'm no Bible scholar, but I don't think the seriousness of adultery changed from OT to NT. What changed is adultery is no longer civilly punished in the NT. It is left up to God.


----------



## marko polo

prayingforamiracle said:


> That’s why I’m struggling. The majority on quora says to keep mum and be a better wife. Everyone here is saying “divorce, divorce!!!”.


Unfortunately you will not find your answer on quora or here. *No one can make the choice for you. *

You are capable of making good choices. You have recognized that continuing without change would lead to further incidents. You have let go of the theatre. You intend to only drink in your husband's company. 

That being said poor choices come with consequences. *You right now are in the position to choose the consequences. You cannot avoid them. *You can try.

Which consequences are you willing to live with - possibly losing your husband or letting the guilt and anxiety claim you from within? Even if you choose to stay silent and do so successfully there is no guarantee that your former AP will.

You do not want divorce nor do you want to disclose your recent choices. Understandable. But at some point you may find you are without choice. How many others know about your affair and your recent visit with the AP? *You shouldn't depend on your former AP's discretion.* You should assume sooner or later your secret will get out by circumstance or malicious design if your AP is a sore loser for being denied.

Confession will be costly. It likely will be much worse if your husband learns the truth on his own or someone else reveals what has happened.


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## Evinrude58

OP knows the cheating is wrong, and that it totally crushes her husband. She also knows it’s wrong to keep her egregious act secret from her husband. She’s going to keep it a secret, anyway. No matter, this stuff eventually rises to the surface. If not this incident, then the next or the next.
Even when OP bangs the tenth guy, she will swear to herself that she’s a changed woman, THIS TIME, or just divorce him and convince herself he caused her to cheat.


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## Galabar01

Strange. I posted a couple of bible verses that referred specifically to the OPs comments. She stated that she didn't need to tell the OP and she only needed "forgiveness from God." I posted verses that specifically showed that that wasn't true. I'm not sure how that is a thread jack or not relevant to the thread.

To re-iterate, OP, you need to lay your repentance at the feet of your husband first. You don't get to not tell (as a Christian).


----------



## MattMatt

@prayingforamiracle I would suggest counselling for you.

The following links are provided for your research only, I am not making any recommendations for you:-
Home - AACC






Find a Christian Therapist, Christian Psychologist, Christian Counselor - Psychology Today


Browse our extensive directory of the best Christian Therapists, Christian Psychologists and Christian Counselors near you.




www.psychologytoday.com









Online Christian Counseling - Online Therapy


We looked at all of the major online psychiatry providers and rated them to help you find the best online Christian counseling.




www.onlinetherapy.com


----------



## ccpowerslave

Galabar01 said:


> She stated that she didn't need to tell the OP and she only needed "forgiveness from God."


This is actually true. I learned it from the non biblical source 2pac Shakur in his famous quote, “Only God can judge me.”


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## Gabriel

I do get the notion of not telling - and not wanting to move suffering from OP alone to BH. But there is no way one can carry this forever in a marriage. It will come out in some way, either when you are thinking about what you did and can't explain your sadness to your H, or slipping up and saying something, or having this guy contact your H behind your back. Bottom line, something this big is too large to carry for any real length of time. A marriage is supposed to be forever. Do you feel you can carry this 5 years, 10 years, 25 years? It will slowly kill you. And the longer you hold it, the worse it will be when you finally tell him, or he finds out. The lie multiplies.

Also, when you hold the secret, it's easier to just keep holding more of them. Maybe it's just one dirty text, or just one kiss from a stranger - you are establishing a pattern of lying.

Luckily, you are young, and you have a lot of time to change who you will become.


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## Galabar01

ccpowerslave said:


> This is actually true. I learned it from the non biblical source 2pac Shakur in his famous quote, “Only God can judge me.”


I'd love to point you to those now-deleted quotes.


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## prayingforamiracle

skerzoid said:


> 1. If you want to stay married;
> a.) Quit the theater.
> b.) Go to your pastor for advice (however, don't get involved with the pastor, which you seem to with every man or woman you meet).
> c.) Stop drinking ... period.
> d.) Never mention it to anyone again (including your husband). Telling him will ease your pain but destroy him. You will have to suffer and take it to the grave.
> 
> 2. If you want to treat him fairly;
> a.) Tell him. It will destroy him. Then you can divorce honorably and go on with your theater career. He can then find someone without the mental problems you are dealing with & go on to live a normal life.
> b.) You have to get individual counseling. You are a sex addict. This will not stop.
> c.) If you really care about him, listen to this song. Dolly Parton wrote this:


I want to be truthful with him and keep our marriage. Is there any way this can be? I don’t want to lose him.


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## prayingforamiracle

Gabriel said:


> I do get the notion of not telling - and not wanting to move suffering from OP alone to BH. But there is no way one can carry this forever in a marriage. It will come out in some way, either when you are thinking about what you did and can't explain your sadness to your H, or slipping up and saying something, or having this guy contact your H behind your back. Bottom line, something this big is too large to carry for any real length of time. A marriage is supposed to be forever. Do you feel you can carry this 5 years, 10 years, 25 years? It will slowly kill you. And the longer you hold it, the worse it will be when you finally tell him, or he finds out. The lie multiplies.
> 
> Also, when you hold the secret, it's easier to just keep holding more of them. Maybe it's just one dirty text, or just one kiss from a stranger - you are establishing a pattern of lying.
> 
> Luckily, you are young, and you have a lot of time to change who you will become.


The guilt is killing me now. Three months later and I still feel like a piece of garbage. I feel I can’t be myself around him now. I feel I don’t deserve any of his love. And I know it’s all my fault. It breaks my heart. I don’t want to lose him. I want us to rebuild our marriage. I’m so scared, what do I do?


----------



## Galabar01

prayingforamiracle said:


> The guilt is killing me now. Three months later and I still feel like a piece of garbage. I feel I can’t be myself around him now. I feel I don’t deserve any of his love. And I know it’s all my fault. It breaks my heart. I don’t want to lose him. I want us to rebuild our marriage. I’m so scared, what do I do?


You need to stop being selfish and tell him. You aren't going to receive forgiveness without telling him. It doesn't work that way.


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## prayingforamiracle

married54yrs said:


> I think skerzoid's reply is on target. You have to stop cheating, and it sure sounds like the theater encourages you to cheat. You have to put your marriage and husband first. Then trust in God's love, forgiveness, guidance, and help.
> I would definitely not tell your husband; you are only asking him to help you bear the guilt. Not fair to him. Rid yourself of guilt by finding a trustworthy confessor (either clergy or trusted confidante), confess your 'sins', let yourself be forgiven, and get on about being married faithfully and be a good wife. (Understand that God has already forgiven you)


Is this actually a good way to go? I’m terrified of making the wrong decision. I can’t take back what I choose to do.
Say I keep it to myself. Perhaps I get over the guilt. Maybe years go on as they should have, with me finally being the wife I was supposed to be and supporting and raising a family with him. hen he finds out.

what happens then? Would the fallout not be worse at this point for keeping it secret all these years? Or would he be more inclined to forgive, now that he sees my progress and we have a family? There is never a way to know this. I fear that if nothing else, I never overcome this guilt. I fear I’ll tell on myself if someone else doesn’t.

as great as this sounds, I don’t know if it can be a good choice. I want to make the best decision. I want God to bless my marriage, I don’t want to make the wrong choice. I want to take everything I did back.


----------



## prayingforamiracle

Galabar01 said:


> You need to stop being selfish and tell him. You aren't going to receive forgiveness without telling him. It doesn't work that way.


He may never give it, you know this yes? And I guess I have been selfish… I’ve never really had love in my life before I met him. My family never gave it to me. He’s the only soul on this planet that has been there for me through it all. He’s accepted me when no one else would. I guess I just don’t know how to handle being treated so well, it’s too good to be true. I feel like I don’t deserve it anyways, so might as well make that a reality by effing up again.

…I can’t believe Im here again. Now worse than ever before. God, please show me the right thing.


----------



## Gabriel

prayingforamiracle said:


> The guilt is killing me now. Three months later and I still feel like a piece of garbage. I feel I can’t be myself around him now. I feel I don’t deserve any of his love. And I know it’s all my fault. It breaks my heart. I don’t want to lose him. I want us to rebuild our marriage. I’m so scared, what do I do?


You tell him and accept the consequences. Do it in public where he can't physically hurt you.

You just can't live with this long term - it will destroy you. And really, at your age and with this short of a marriage, it's not worth a lifetime of suffering just to hang onto what you have. 

Know that he will likely not accept this, especially since it's with the same man that upset him so much last time. He will likely be very angry, and want you to move out. But that's your punishment for what you did. 

I would just go into it calmly, and express how bad you feel and how you know you don't deserve him, and if he wants, you can leave. The more you get ahead of your confession (and not hide things), the quicker and more painless this will be.


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## Gabriel

You are only 21, with your whole life ahead of you. My daughter is your age - I would tell her to do what's right, and hit the reset button. You will find love again, 100% you will. Most people find their person later on, when they are more mature and ready.


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## Gabriel

Better yet, have a place to go after you confess. And if you do move out, bring a friend with you, or a parent/uncle/aunt someone to help you gather your stuff.


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## prayingforamiracle

Andy1001 said:


> I had a ons with a woman and the following morning she told me she was engaged. I asked her why she wasn’t faithful to her fiancée and she told me she had been faithful “Lots of times”.
> You and her have a lot in common especially the fact that you should never be married to anyone because you are a serial cheater.
> Just divorce the poor sap who was stupid enough to marry you and let him try to find a faithful, loyal woman to be with.


I’ve never used an excuse like that in my life.
That’s a horrible thing to say. I don’t go out of my way for these turns of events, they come to be. I don’t think in my head “Whoops time to have my yearly affair!” Like what the h3ll? I just get friendly with people I’m around, and I don’t realize how they see me. I just try to be nice, I want others to like me. But I never know when I’m flirty. Never. I was the ugly duckling in high school, nobody wanted me but my husband. I never flirted with anyone but him and that’s because I actually tried to flirt with him. Now that I’ve grown and matured, my fun banter with others all of a sudden is me showing interest. I hate it. I’m trying to learn to reign myself in and just not even bother talking to anyone of the opposite sex at all. This does not serve to be an excuse, merely and explanation. My actions are not at all to be taken lightly.


----------



## Casual Observer

@prayingforamiracle Secrets do come out. You are best living as transparent a life now as possible. Your husband needs to know everything; he should have known everything before you were married. I do not believe you were long term relationship material and you won't be until you get past your cycle of shame & guilt that, I believe, are a result of your issues at home and not being able to deal with what happened when you strayed from the religious beliefs you were taught. Most people make a choice, and either continue following what they were taught in church, or they leave (sometimes, in either case, temporarily). And they successfully live with those decisions.

You, I believe, were not prepared for the unavoidable screw-ups where you don't meet the expectations of those around you, including yourself. You had grown up in a binary system and instead of guidance saying "You will screw up, you're human, you need to learn from those things and become a better person" you may have gotten "Screwing up is a sin and you're a terrible person for doing so." No roadmap for how to get to be that better person using your past as a learning tool. Your past is simply a terribly sinful thing that you have to atone for. So you end up living two different lives, one in church, and another in the evenings when you're out with guys.

I don't think there's a quick fix. It's going to take years and years of work to get you out of this obviously-repeating cycle. Your husband needs to learn who you really are, because that's who you're going to continue to be, regardless of your intentions, for a long time to come. Relationships built upon lies don't work well because things get found out. It's in everyone's best interest, sadly, that you put your own wishes aside and think entirely of what's in the best interest of your husband. 

My wife and I are dealing with something sort of like this, from over 40 years ago. It is taking years of therapy at great expense and angst to get through. If there's anything I've learned from this, and maybe her as well, it's this-

If your relationship would be in trouble if your spouse knew something you're keeping secret, and you knew that going in, you should not be in that relationship. You either need to be in a relationship where the other partner doesn't care what about whatever it is, or in a relationship where the spouse knows about anything, everything, that you're worried about. You should never deny your partner agency.


----------



## Casual Observer

Gabriel said:


> Also, when you hold the secret, it's easier to just keep holding more of them. Maybe it's just one dirty text, or just one kiss from a stranger - you are establishing a pattern of lying.


This. A thousand times this. If you can keep a secret this big, then what's the big deal about "little" secrets? How often can you get your way if you avoid the truth about things? It gets worse and worse and worse. To the point where you aren't even considering it lying anymore. My wife's best line? "I don't want to say something someone will get upset about."


----------



## Andy1001

prayingforamiracle said:


> I’ve never used an excuse like that in my life.
> That’s a horrible thing to say. I don’t go out of my way for these turns of events, they come to be. I don’t think in my head “Whoops time to have my yearly affair!” Like what the h3ll? I just get friendly with people I’m around, and I don’t realize how they see me. I just try to be nice, I want others to like me. But I never know when I’m flirty. Never. I was the ugly duckling in high school, nobody wanted me but my husband. I never flirted with anyone but him and that’s because I actually tried to flirt with him. Now that I’ve grown and matured, my fun banter with others all of a sudden is me showing interest. I hate it. I’m trying to learn to reign myself in and just not even bother talking to anyone of the opposite sex at all. This does not serve to be an excuse, merely and explanation. My actions are not at all to be taken lightly.


You need to own your own actions and stop making excuses. You had sex with other men because you’re weak and have no boundaries. And because you wanted to. 
Like everyone else who has cheated you see your case as different from the norm, special even. It’s not special, it’s just the run of the mill actions of a cheat who can’t admit to themselves that they love the excitement of an extra marital affair. Or two.


----------



## prayingforamiracle

Gabriel said:


> You are only 21, with your whole life ahead of you. My daughter is your age - I would tell her to do what's right, and hit the reset button. You will find love again, 100% you will. Most people find their person later on, when they are more mature and ready.


I thank you for your kindness in advising me here. It makes me feel like I finally have a parent looking out for me. It means more than you may realize.

I know you’re right… that maybe this is the end of the rope for he and I… I’m just so scared of what that life looks like. I’m scared of losing his family that took me in, cared for me, and called me one of their own. What would they say? Or my family for that matter, they’d never let me hear the end of it. “I told you so” rings loud in my ears from my parents even now. I’m scared of losing my life partner, the only person who’s ever truly loved me in this world. I grew up with him, he’s the only love I’ve ever known. To lose that.. I feel a piece of me would die. I can’t imagine seeing our things divided, a room emptied, drawers barren. Never feeling him next to me asleep anymore. Never giving him a kiss good morning anymore. What have I done…


----------



## prayingforamiracle

ABHale said:


> Well, your husband actually deserves a wife that isn’t you.
> 
> Just get out of his life then file for divorce. You have never been faithful to your husband and you never will be. You have betrayed him from the start. Pack your stuff, leave a note and move on with your life. Then get a lawyer and file for divorce.
> 
> Just one question, are you sure you didn’t pick up anything you could pass onto your unsuspecting husband.


Maybe you’re right about that. I know I don’t deserve him, I never have…
But I can’t pack my things, we live with my family, the ones who didn’t want us married to begin with. He’d have to pack his. And he honestly doesn’t really have anywhere to go, his sister and her baby live with his mom along with his little brother… there’s nowhere else for him.

and no, the guy was clean, he’s been tested.


----------



## Casual Observer

prayingforamiracle said:


> The guilt is killing me now. Three months later and I still feel like a piece of garbage. I feel I can’t be myself around him now. I feel I don’t deserve any of his love. And I know it’s all my fault. It breaks my heart. I don’t want to lose him. I want us to rebuild our marriage. I’m so scared, what do I do?


Believe it or not, the unresolved guilt will likely lead you to cheat again. Partly because you already feel guilty, what does it matter if you do what feels good, attracting the attention of other guys, if you've already done it? If it's the only time you feel really good, because when you're cheating on your husband it's exciting... but when you're with your husband, you're thinking about what you're keeping from him.

It's a no-win scenario if you keep it from him. You have to accept that losing your husband is probably the best possible outcome for him. Do what's in HIS best interest for once, not yours. That's the ultimate act of love.


----------



## prayingforamiracle

blhp said:


> If this jerk smacked you around once he'll probably do it again. Get out. It's not for me to judge you or your faith but you seem a bit too immature to be in any type of permanent relationship until you find someone you could truly be devoted to forever. If anyone slapped me around I'd call the cops & press charges and perhaps add a civil suit to it. You're self respect may be in need of an assessment. In other words YOU ARE WORTH IT IN THIS WORLD! MAKE IT THE BEST POSSIBLE LIFE YOU CAN. Forget all men and women and concentrate on building a successful life and secure future. If you're not in school why aren't you? Your 20's are the best shot you'll have to build your future as some type of professional you can be proud of. Trust me. I've been you until I wised up and got out. You do not deserve to be treated poorly by anyone under any circumstances. The more you put into yourself I feel the more self respect you'll have. Move to a state that has apartments w low rent and houses don't coaf a million. Be the best you can be and put your indiscretions behind you and start somewhere fresh. Save your money do not spend it. Be wiser and perhaps in your 30's you'll look back and be glad you got out of a complicated relationship. There are no princesses. No prince is going to carry you off. You are smart but making poor choices in life. Do not get pregnant until your mid 30s only if you can afford to pay the way for a child for the next 25 years to life. Become someone you can be proud of. Only then will the right person notice you and your accomplishments. First loves hardly ever last. You won't find your love in a bar either. Please yourself first and learn from your mistakes. Truly learn. Often we look back to our teens and think God I was so dumb. In 30's you'll think God i was so dumb in my 20's. It happens. Only trust your parents and yourself in this world. I'm not trying to put you down. Quite the opposite. I was you until i got my act together. Talk to a school counselor to decide your options. The marrying kind will still be out there. Trust me. Good luck to you.


You may be right about the self respect part of things. But I understand his anger when I confessed. He has no other way to express it, and honestly I’m prepared to take it again. Maybe a physical beating would set me straight. Just like a beast needs to be broken down to be trained up right, maybe that would click this horrible lesson in my mind that cheating = excruciating pain. I don’t even mean that ironically, I really do believe that physical pain would help me learn.
I actually just graduated cosmetology school, thanks to his support so I could go full time instead of work. I graduated last Wednesday.
Moving away and starting again sounds incredibly scary, I don’t know if I could do that. I’m terrified of change, and I’m so scared of failing. I want I be safe, and that is not safe. I have friends here, family. I just don’t think I could drop my entire life like that..


----------



## Casual Observer

prayingforamiracle said:


> Maybe you’re right about that. I know I don’t deserve him, I never have…
> But I can’t pack my things, we live with my family, the ones who didn’t want us married to begin with. He’d have to pack his. And he honestly doesn’t really have anywhere to go, his sister and her baby live with his mom along with his little brother… there’s nowhere else for him.
> 
> and no, the guy was clean, he’s been tested.


Did he show you the paperwork, or you're assuming that a guy who'd cheat with a married woman would be honest?

In another recent post, you spoke of your husband's family, that took you in as one of their own. That's at odds with you saying your husband would have no place to go if you divorced. You're still actively trying to spin things to favor staying together. Your focus needs to entirely what is good for your husband. 10 years from now you will hopefully be a very different person, having learned from being open and honest with those around you, and able to commit to a long term relationship. Right now, you need to commit to honesty with everyone around you, letting them hold you accountable. And counseling. You need a lot of professional guidance.


----------



## QuietRiot

prayingforamiracle said:


> I am a sinner who hates what I have done. I know he has every right to divorce me, this I am aware of. To not tell him the truth is another matter. As I said before, forgiveness of sins is not hinged on confess to another party, only to God. Especially if the other party is not aware of the sin. How would that make anything better by telling him if I have truly repented (meaning to change one’s mind) and never fallen again?


Repenting doesn’t mean just changing ones mind. Being a Christian is easy to you!

You can’t just keep cheating and apologize to Jesus every time, like it’s a cheating forgiveness punch card and Jesus has the stamper.


<deleted>



By your own proclamation of faith, you are not following that which you subscribe to.

*edited to add: yes this isn’t the religion section, the only reason I add these is because OP proclaims to be a DEVOUT Christian. She is speaking of her religion in her posts and I think it is applicable to her topic of discussion. If it is deleted, I understand. The point still stands, she is hiding behind her Christianity instead of following it.


----------



## Mr. Nail

finally got caught up with this thread.
What a fine mess this is.
You have more advice than I can give you. 
Just keep moving forward day by day.
The danger of your situation is very real.
I'm sorry that you are not going to get all the things that you want. Life is like that. Making one choice takes away a future choice.


----------



## Casual Observer

QuietRiot said:


> Repenting doesn’t mean just changing ones mind. Being a Christian is easy to you!
> 
> You can’t just keep cheating and apologize to Jesus every time, like it’s a cheating forgiveness punch card and Jesus has the stamper.
> 
> There are Christians being slaughtered and beheaded in Afghanistan, because they believe in Christ and refuse to keep secrets. Here you are saying your sin against your H is completely ok to keep in the dark as long as you told your secret to God… what’s the harm??
> 
> You need to do some more theology homework to discover the meaning of repentance and how it applies to the nature of forgiveness in the Bible. I’m not here to give you a Bible study but you’re the one proclaiming what a devout Christian you are while hiding behind it to continue your sin against your H.
> 
> Whoever conceals their sins does not prosper,
> but the one who confesses and renounces them finds mercy.
> Proverbs 28:13
> 
> Take no part in the worthless deeds of evil and darkness; instead, expose them.
> Ephesians 5:11
> 
> For he will bring our darkest secrets to light and will reveal our private motives. Then God will give to each one whatever praise is due.
> 1 Corinthians 4:5
> 
> For God will bring every deed into judgment, with every secret thing, whether good or evil.
> Acts 26:18
> 
> 
> By your own proclamation of faith, you are not following that which you subscribe to.


This is not a thread about Christianity, so it's possible your post may be seen as another thread jack along those lines. I think your first two paragraphs are on-point; the rest of it sounds like it belongs in another thread. Just my opinion.


----------



## QuietRiot

Casual Observer said:


> This is not a thread about Christianity, so it's possible your post may be seen as another thread jack along those lines. I think your first two paragraphs are on-point; the rest of it sounds like it belongs in another thread. Just my opinion.


It was just the point of her saying she can keep secrets as long as she prays to Jesus. I’m no Bible thumper but there is enough to say different from her own faith.

If it’s deleted so be it. No offense there.


----------



## Diana7

prayingforamiracle said:


> I want to be truthful with him and keep our marriage. Is there any way this can be? I don’t want to lose him.


You can't guarantee you will keep the marriage of course, but that's no excuse not to tell him. You will have to trust God that whatever happens He will be there.
It's the loving thing to do to tell him. You never know he may stay with you, he over looked the first two times, but it's not your decision. The right thing to do is to tell him. You know that. It would be far easier for you not to, but as a Christian you should do what is right and that is be honest.


----------



## Diana7

prayingforamiracle said:


> He may never give it, you know this yes? And I guess I have been selfish… I’ve never really had love in my life before I met him. My family never gave it to me. He’s the only soul on this planet that has been there for me through it all. He’s accepted me when no one else would. I guess I just don’t know how to handle being treated so well, it’s too good to be true. I feel like I don’t deserve it anyways, so might as well make that a reality by effing up again.
> 
> …I can’t believe Im here again. Now worse than ever before. God, please show me the right thing.


God has shown you the right thing already in His word. You know what it is.


----------



## married54yrs

prayingforamiracle said:


> Is this actually a good way to go? I’m terrified of making the wrong decision. I can’t take back what I choose to do.
> Say I keep it to myself. Perhaps I get over the guilt. Maybe years go on as they should have, with me finally being the wife I was supposed to be and supporting and raising a family with him. hen he finds out.
> 
> what happens then? Would the fallout not be worse at this point for keeping it secret all these years? Or would he be more inclined to forgive, now that he sees my progress and we have a family? There is never a way to know this. I fear that if nothing else, I never overcome this guilt. I fear I’ll tell on myself if someone else doesn’t.
> 
> as great as this sounds, I don’t know if it can be a good choice. I want to make the best decision. I want God to bless my marriage, I don’t want to make the wrong choice. I want to take everything I did back.


I hadn't thought about the possibility of your husband hearing about the infidelity at some point down the road. Let my wife and I think about this some and get back to you.


----------



## Galabar01

QuietRiot said:


> It was just the point of her saying she can keep secrets as long as she prays to Jesus. I’m no Bible thumper but there is enough to say different from her own faith.
> 
> If it’s deleted so be it. No offense there.


Yes, showing facts the refute what the OP is saying and maybe sets her straight (according to her beliefs) seems to be on point and completely relevant to this thread. If the OP says, "I don't need to tell because my religion says X," it is very useful for someone to correct her and say, "No, your religion says A, B, C, and Z."

Also, I'm pretty sure my thread was the innocent victim of a drive-by moderation where the context of the thread wasn't well understood.


----------



## HappilyMarried1

prayingforamiracle said:


> I don’t go out of my way for these turns of events, they come to be.


I have read you thread you actually say the quote above but in your OP you talk how on several different occasions how you go to the same places where your infidelity occurs. Then in your OP you actually call the guy and he ask if you are going to actually do it this time and you say maybe. How is that fit to your quote that you don't go out of your way for these things.


----------



## Casual Observer

married54yrs said:


> I hadn't thought about the possibility of your husband hearing about the infidelity at some point down the road. Let my wife and I think about this some and get back to you.


My own example shows that even pre-Internet stuff from 40+ years ago can come back and find you, unexpectedly, and the longer it goes, the greater the destruction left in its wake. It doesn't go away over time, as the person keeping the secrets would wish.

It's also tough to come up with a scenario that supersedes the husband's right to agency. There is no evidence that they agreed, during the dating/vetting process, to just let the past be the past and it didn't matter. The husband has been out of the loop from the beginning, and that's brutally unfair to him.


----------



## QuietRiot

Galabar01 said:


> Yes, showing facts the refute what the OP is saying and maybe sets her straight (according to her beliefs) seems to be on point and completely relevant to this thread. If the OP says, "I don't need to tell because my religion says X," it is very useful for someone to correct her and say, "No, your religion says A, B, C, and Z."
> 
> Also, I'm pretty sure my thread was the innocent victim of a drive-by moderation where the context of the thread wasn't well understood.


Exactly! I deleted the relevant scripture references, which are directly opposed to her viewpoint, from the Bible she subscribes to be a believer of… don’t want to cause a tiffy.


----------



## gr8ful1

Galabar01 said:


> Strange. I posted a couple of bible verses that referred specifically to the OPs comments


Bible quotes, even when the OP says she is a “devout Christian” are seen as irrelevant or worse here. Folks: we are trying to HELP this OP. It’s a shame we’re not allowed to.


----------



## jjj858

Given his past history of hitting and choking you I wouldn’t confess to him alone. That seems dangerous. Maybe during a counseling/therapy session that you schedule for the both of you. 

But the fact that I’m having to caution this leads me to believe that you are ultimately both very wrong for each other.


----------



## Galabar01

jjj858 said:


> Given his past history of hitting and choking you I wouldn’t confess to him alone. That seems dangerous. Maybe during a counseling/therapy session that you schedule for the both of you.
> 
> But the fact that I’m having to caution this leads me to believe that you are ultimately both very wrong for each other.


Agreed. Even if he is a wonderful person who has never been violent (but for the previous incident), he has shown that he can't handle this type of information. You may think that getting hit by your husband will somehow be cleansing or "scare you straight." Realize that a single punch from a man to a women can kill that women. So, do this in public.


----------



## married54yrs

married54yrs said:


> I hadn't thought about the possibility of your husband hearing about the infidelity at some point down the road. Let my wife and I think about this some and get back to you.


Firstly, you should know that my wife and I have not experienced infidelity, so we have no real-life experience in how to deal with it. Secondly, my wife and I don't agree about telling or not telling your spouse. I think you should not tell; she thinks you should always tell. Thirdly, we don't have the 'right' answer or even an answer. All we can do is tell you what we think, and maybe that will be helpful to you in making a good decision and living with it. So, here's what we think.

How much do you really want this marriage to work? Have you asked yourself why you had this most recent affair?
Are you really willing and able to make a change in the way in which you deal with other men?

Confession is not just about about telling someone what you have done. It must also be a conversion experience. Have you made the decision to give up future affairs and to remain faithful for rest of your marriage? Perhaps you should ask yourself if your are committed to conversion, or do you just want to get rid of your guilt and maybe hold onto the possibility of another affair? You need to face these questions and examine yourself honestly.

If it turns out that you want this marriage to work and that you are committed to conversion, what then? If you tell your husband about the affair, there will be pain for both of you, and the marriage may or may not survive. If you don't tell and if he finds out down the road, there will also be pain for both of you. One can hope that by the time your husband hears about the affair, you will have built enough trust and commitment that your marriage can survive. But...there are
no guarantees. 

No one can fix this for you. We wish both of you the best.


----------



## rugswept

I can say I have never seen a single WS indicate that the whole idea of delaying a disclosure ever helped out their situation with BS. It's actually worse for the BS for they feel they have been living a huge lie. In some cases, the A gets out decades later. Then the BS can be a detached shell of themselves, in some cases acting out to everyone like things are fine and they stew in their private hell. The long wait before disclosure is just seen as the ultimate deceit, the long term kind of deceit where the BS feel they have lost agency in their biggest life decisions, including having children.

In the ultimate extreme, I have seen quite a few threads of a BS discovering about WS after WS is deceased. It goes quickly from extreme mourning to wishing the WS were still alive so they could finish them off. 

In life, Franklin said three people can keep a secret when two are dead. People talk. The truth (especially salacious topics such as an A) eventually get out when really unexpected. Then it really hits the fan.

Look, so many of us here have to realize we are talking about two kids here who shouldn't be M. In the case of WS, she's obviously just not prepared for M and M should be out of the question at this time. They're at the starting line of a very long and winding road loaded with tough turns, pot holes and detour signs. Will these two have any real chance of making it full term? This just doesn't feel like this M is going to have a successful lifelong outcome. The WS should stay away from M for at least 5 years, maybe 10.


----------



## farsidejunky

prayingforamiracle said:


> You may be right about the self respect part of things. But I understand his anger when I confessed. He has no other way to express it, and honestly I’m prepared to take it again. Maybe a physical beating would set me straight. Just like a beast needs to be broken down to be trained up right, maybe that would click this horrible lesson in my mind that cheating = excruciating pain. I don’t even mean that ironically, I really do believe that physical pain would help me learn.
> I actually just graduated cosmetology school, thanks to his support so I could go full time instead of work. I graduated last Wednesday.
> Moving away and starting again sounds incredibly scary, I don’t know if I could do that. I’m terrified of change, and I’m so scared of failing. I want I be safe, and that is not safe. I have friends here, family. I just don’t think I could drop my entire life like that..


Actually, you don't want safety, you need it.

If you actually wanted it, you wouldn't blow it up when you had it.

If you have any hope for lasting change, you must delve into this in therapy. 

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


----------



## gr8ful1

married54yrs said:


> One can hope that by the time your husband hears about the affair, you will have built enough trust and commitment that your marriage can survive


Right. Nothing like the mother of all deceptions coming out of darkness into the light (oops, was that a Bible reference? SHAME ON ME) in terms of creating trust 🙄


----------



## Casual Observer

QuietRiot said:


> Confession is not just about about telling someone what you have done. It must also be a conversion experience. Have you made the decision to give up future affairs and to remain faithful for rest of your marriage? Perhaps you should ask yourself if your are committed to conversion, or do you just want to get rid of your guilt and maybe hold onto the possibility of another affair? You need to face these questions and examine yourself honestly.


I strongly disagree. Do not wait until you can believe it to be a "conversion experience." It may never be, and the betrayed spouse's agency is key here. I will argue the exact opposite. The lack of likelihood of a "conversion experience" increases the need for the betrayed spouse to know what's gone on. The betrayed spouse has a right to know what he's dealing with so he can make intelligent decisions.


----------



## Tested_by_stress

prayingforamiracle said:


> I did confess to the others, what exactly are you getting at?
> 
> This time I have seen the error of my ways all on my own. I ended it on my own. I am torturing myself with it all alone. How could confession of this, something I never dare do again, be a helpful thing for my marriage now? How could it help an already broken man to feel better? I don’t believe it can. And I will never place myself in any position for this type of activity again. I do not want anyone but him.


This is just a load of bull and you know it. You'll do it again. Serial cheaters don't tend to stop cold turkey.


----------



## jjj858

Galabar01 said:


> Agreed. Even if he is a wonderful person who has never been violent (but for the previous incident), he has shown that he can't handle this type of information. You may think that getting hit by your husband will somehow be cleansing or "scare you straight." Realize that a single punch from a man to a women can kill that women. So, do this in public.


Yeah I hope OP knows how serious the potential for further violence is if she makes a private confession. He clearly can’t handle this kind of information at all. The fact that she thought being hit and choked was ok shows that she doesn’t understand boundaries both ways. He crossed a boundary he shouldn’t have too. Choking in a family violence situation is actually a felony where I live. 

That scene in “Unfaithful” where Richard Gere actually kills the OM upon hearing his confession is a good example of how dangerous a cold turkey confession of infidelity can be if done in a private setting.


----------



## ABHale

prayingforamiracle said:


> I want to be truthful with him and keep our marriage. Is there any way this can be? I don’t want to lose him.


Pray about it. You already know you should tell him. You are trying to control the outcome of this. Put it in Gods hands and pray about it. Then tell your husband.


----------



## ThreeHundo

prayingforamiracle said:


> I am a sinner who hates what I have done. I know he has every right to divorce me, this I am aware of. To not tell him the truth is another matter. As I said before, forgiveness of sins is not hinged on confess to another party, only to God. Especially if the other party is not aware of the sin. How would that make anything better by telling him if I have truly repented (meaning to change one’s mind) and never fallen again?


Your husband deserves to know and you know it. Why make him live this lie? You continue to put yourself in situations that lead to you betraying the one you claim to love. Do you love him? your actions tell me you hate him. You have put him through so much pain, he gives you another chance and you betray him again. It's absolutely disgusting. It really seems like you sort of enjoy doing this to him in some kind of sick way. How to fix it? You have to be honest with him. Imagine you don't tell him but he finds out at some point in the future. It will be terrible. He WILL consider all of the time together since your last betrayal a total waste of time. So confess it. If he somehow gives you another chance, I will be surprised but he deserves to have all of the info to make the best choice for himself. Don't deny him that.


----------



## QuietRiot

Casual Observer said:


> I strongly disagree. Do not wait until you can believe it to be a "conversion experience." It may never be, and the betrayed spouse's agency is key here. I will argue the exact opposite. The lack of likelihood of a "conversion experience" increases the need for the betrayed spouse to know what's gone on. The betrayed spouse has a right to know what he's dealing with so he can make intelligent decisions.


I didn’t say that…. Weird. That wasn’t my quote.


----------



## ocdude

stop saying what I, I, I, I, I, want, want, want………
you did this, tell him and let him have a choice, its about him…..


----------



## jlg07

prayingforamiracle said:


> What must I do to prove that I am capable? I don’t want to end my marriage… it’s only been a year. I don’t want to throw away the only thing in life that’s ever mattered to me. I don’t want to throw away the person I promised to love and cherish forever. I will do whatever it takes to make it right. I will do whatever it takes to make him happy.


So, looking at your posts #82, #85, #86, and above.
I see "I WANT..." "I DON'T....." "I will do..." "I am afraid..."

Flip the viewpoint -- what about what HE wants, what HE may want to do if he knows that you have cheated yet again.
You are worried about YOUR life, not his. He has given you TWO chances to NOT cheat, and yet you have done it to him AGAIN. There is NO reason for him to believe that you won't again, no matter how much you protest that you won't -- you've told him that before, and where did that get him?

You need to tell him the truth and let HIM make his own decisions. Yes, he may decide to divorce you -- but you took that chance when you cheated on him yet again. Is it fair to HIM that you cheated again and will hide it from him? Is it fair to HIM that he won't be able to make his own decisions on if he wants to stay with you?

If you will do whatever it is to make it right -- TELL HIM and let HIM make the choice of what he wants to do.
If you will do whatever it is to make him happy -- TELL HIM and let HIM decide what will make him happy.


----------



## Casual Observer

QuietRiot said:


> I didn’t say that…. Weird. That wasn’t my quote.


That _is_ weird!


----------



## frusdil

If what you say is true, that you do love your husband and value your marriage, you MUST do the right thing for both your husband and the marriage and tell him the whole truth. You don't allow him to live his life under a lie. A lie by ommission is still a lie. 

In doing this, you do two things - you show your husband that you love and respect him enough to make a choice with all the information in front of him; and you allow the two of you to move forward with complete honesty and transparency, without this hanging over your head forever. He WILL find out, the truth always comes out.

Of course, there is a risk in telling him, he may decide that he can't accept it and ask for a divorce. That is a risk you must take though, and it's there because of your choices.


----------



## GG1061

Sonja said:


> True but more serious then yelling? Its not often presented that way, but the Bible makes yelling extremely serious. It says everything you do to anyone, you do to God. I take this passage very seriously.
> 
> Note that Jesus did not condemn the adultress and simply said to her to stop sinning. The real meaning of the parable I take to be is to not condemn people and judge them, when oneself is sinful. If its not that, what do you think the parable means?
> 
> My view, which is biblical, is that any sin done out of love is less severe than a sin done with no love. My husband yelling at me can be done in loving frustration or with more dark motives. Matthew 25:40 says by yelling at me with dark motives he literally yells at God with dark motives. When he sleeps with another woman, it can done with love or without love to her. My view is that yelling at me with a dark motive is a bigger sin against God than sleeping with another woman lovingly.
> 
> Given the choice that my husband on occasion yells at me with dark motives, or on occasion sleeps with another woman out of love, I pick the second.
> 
> am not trying to convince you of this, just sharing views.





Sonja said:


> A lot can be considered sinful and I dont see a hierarchy in marriage vows. I break a marriage vow with every harsh word, with every unloving thought, word and act, every act of impatience related to sickness, selfishness of any kind, every moment thats not honouring; really any thought, word and action that falls short of fully honouring and loving my partners soul. I am not aware of any hierarchies in the vows, they are all equally important, in any consideration of waywardness or not. In particular, my husbands vows did not specifically include „exclusion to all others“. Thats not part of the French language catholic vow.


The biblical teaching is that adultery is the only reason for allowing divorce. Straight from the mouth of the Lord. So when it comes to the marital relationship there is a hierarchy of offenses in the eyes of God.


----------



## GG1061

prayingforamiracle said:


> You barely know me, yet proceed to make judgement on what I will or will not do. How can you have any idea of that?
> 
> I do care very much. I know it doesn’t look that way from my actions, but I honestly do care for him. I’m sick with myself for hurting him so many times. I don’t want to divorce him. I want to make it work.
> 
> You say I don’t know how to love, how can you know this? From one extra long paragraph you know the depths of my person? That’s a big assumption on your part.
> 
> No I wouldn’t want to spend life with any of those creeps. I didn’t love them. Never have, never will. It’s only 2 guys actually. And again, no way in hell. I don’t want anything to do with them.


But you did want something to do with them. You has sex with them. That’s the most intimate thing you can have to do with someone else. You’re in denial.


----------



## MattMatt

Galabar01 said:


> Yes, showing facts the refute what the OP is saying and maybe sets her straight (according to her beliefs) seems to be on point and completely relevant to this thread. If the OP says, "I don't need to tell because my religion says X," it is very useful for someone to correct her and say, "No, your religion says A, B, C, and Z."
> 
> Also, I'm pretty sure my thread was the innocent victim of a drive-by moderation where the context of the thread wasn't well understood.


MODERATOR NOTICE: 

The contents and context were understood. Don't doubt that for a minute.

Moderators on TAM do not do drive-by moderation.


----------



## BigDaddyNY

married54yrs said:


> If it turns out that you want this marriage to work and that you are committed to conversion, what then? If you tell your husband about the affair, there will be pain for both of you, and the marriage may or may not survive. If you don't tell and if he finds out down the road, there will also be pain for both of you.* One can hope that by the time your husband hears about the affair, you will have built enough trust and commitment that your marriage can survive*. But...there are
> no guarantees.
> 
> No one can fix this for you. We wish both of you the best.


On one hand I can understand the logic and thought process behind this. However, all the "trust" built up over time is sitting on a foundation of lies. Sure, maybe she goes many years without another affair, but every day she looks him in the face there is a lie behind those eyes. Everyday that goes by without telling him is another day she is lying to him. Does 10 years of doing what you are already supposed to be doing (not have sex with someone that isn't your spouse) outweigh thousands of daily lies to his face? If he finds out years from now I would expect he will not believe that she hasn't had an affair in the interim. Why would he believe her? She had been lying for years.


----------



## Blondilocks

prayingforamiracle said:


> I’ve never really had love in my life before I met him. My family never gave it to me.





prayingforamiracle said:


> I’m scared of losing my life partner, the only person who’s ever truly loved me in this world.





prayingforamiracle said:


> But I can’t pack my things, we live with my family, the ones who didn’t want us married to begin with.





prayingforamiracle said:


> I actually just graduated cosmetology school, thanks to his support so I could go full time instead of work. I graduated last Wednesday.


You don't say what you find so lacking in your family; but, from your quotes I can assure you that if your parents didn't care for you then you and your husband would not be living under their roof.

You're 21 years old, married and still living with mommy and daddy. Your husband just financed your training so you can make a living. Have you considered that you may expect too much from people? Why do you feel so entitled?


----------



## ConanHub

@prayingforamiracle 

You are not healthy enough to be a girlfriend, much less a wife.

You need therapy.

If you really love your husband, do what's best for him. Let him know and let him go.

You really don't fit the definition of someone who loves anyone but yourself.

Your husband paid your way through school. That is a demonstration of actual love.

You f around on him but say you love him.

Look at the facts of your life. You have shown who you love and it certainly isn't your husband.

When you really love someone, you do what is best for THEM.

Stop putting your whims, wants and desires above your husband's well being and I might start believing you are learning to actually love someone besides yourself.


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## Diana7

I remember a lady on a forum I used to go on who found out that her husband had cheated on her 17 years ago with a costumer of his. For her it was as if it had just happened. By then it wasnt just the cheating she had to cope with, but the lies and deception for 17 years which can be just as bad. 
Op if you tell him now it wont be nearly as bad as if he found out later on believe me.


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## prayingforamiracle

Diana7 said:


> I remember a lady on a forum I used to go on who found out that her husband had cheated on her 17 years ago with a costumer of his. For her it was as if it had just happened. By then it wasnt just the cheating she had to cope with, but the lies and deception for 17 years which can be just as bad.
> Op if you tell him now it wont be nearly as bad as if he found out later on believe me.


What do I say to him? How do I say it? When? Where? I have to do this… I know I do. I’m beyond terrified. I need help. We both do. How do I do this?


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## prayingforamiracle

Blondilocks said:


> You don't say what you find so lacking in your family; but, from your quotes I can assure you that if your parents didn't care for you then you and your husband would not be living under their roof.
> 
> You're 21 years old, married and still living with mommy and daddy. Your husband just financed your training so you can make a living. Have you considered that you may expect too much from people? Why do you feel so entitled?


Considering this thread isn’t about my childhood trauma, you don’t know half the **** I’ve had to deal with when it comes to my family. And I’m not going to go off topic about it either. Plenty of physical and mental abuse for years. They only let us move in BECAUSE I was going to school. They care now, sure, because they have to keep their reputation in the community somehow. My husband and I had our own apartment for a year before we decided I was to go to school. The rent went up and I was going to go to school full time. We couldn’t afford it anymore and my parents happened to let us. We paid rent.

I don’t expect anything, I never have.


----------



## married54yrs

BigDaddyNY said:


> On one hand I can understand the logic and thought process behind this. However, all the "trust" built up over time is sitting on a foundation of lies. Sure, maybe she goes many years without another affair, but every day she looks him in the face there is a lie behind those eyes. Everyday that goes by without telling him is another day she is lying to him. Does 10 years of doing what you are already supposed to be doing (not have sex with someone that isn't your spouse) outweigh thousands of daily lies to his face? If he finds out years from now I would expect he will not believe that she hasn't had an affair in the interim. Why would he believe her? She had been lying for years.


I hear what you are saying, and several others have also talked about 'lying for years,' so maybe I'm wrong on this, and maybe she should tell him (don't you just hate it when your wife is right? it seems to happen to me so frequently). I might argue that it's not lying, just a mistake that's history. But if he asked, and she said 'no, I haven't had an affair,' then I'd have to say that is lying. However, I clearly don't have 'the' answer.


----------



## Diana7

prayingforamiracle said:


> What do I say to him? How do I say it? When? Where? I have to do this… I know I do. I’m beyond terrified. I need help. We both do. How do I do this?


As soon as possible. Be brave and just do it. As others have said it will be safer if you do it outside but no where crowded like a cafe as that's not fair on him. 
Just tell him what you said here. Pray and do it. 
Another possibility is that you write it all down and give him the letter. Then go out or stay away for a day or two to give him space.


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## Dictum Veritas

married54yrs said:


> I hear what you are saying, and several others have also talked about 'lying for years,' so *maybe* I'm wrong on this, and *maybe* she should tell him (don't you just hate it when your wife is right? it seems to happen to me so frequently). I might argue that it's not lying, just a *mistake that's history*. But if he asked, and she said 'no, I haven't had an affair,' then I'd have to say that is lying. However, I clearly don't have 'the' answer.


There is no maybe about it. You want to go into technicalities about lying in matters of the heart and even in this your logic is not sound.

The heart doesn't care about the technicalities, even if you made a solid case for silence about infidelity not being a lie, which you failed to do. The heart doesn't even want to hear about the technicalities. The intent is what matters and the intent is to deceive her husband that he is in a solid marriage with a faithful spouse in order to keep the marriage, should she keep silent. It is actually a lie by omission, but even if it weren't, the intent is to have her husband stay with her based on false presumptions of fidelity. I am sure her husband wont give a crap about the technicalities you are trying to use in mitigation. The heart isn't bound by contractual or legal technicalities, it abhors being deceived in any way shape or form.

Adultery is never a mistake. A mistake is getting the wrong brand of creamer for your coffee, or misspelling a word. A mistake lacks malicious intent. Every adulterous person knows how shattering their adultery would be to their spouse when it comes to light, yet they act on a plethora of choices to bring this malicious act to fruition.

No, adultery is never a mistake, same as robbery, rape or murder is not simply a mistake. The transgression is simply too malicious and deliberate to ever be called a mistake.


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## married54yrs

Dictum Veritas said:


> There is no maybe about it. You want to go into technicalities about lying in matters of the heart and even in this your logic is not sound.
> 
> The heart doesn't care about the technicalities, even if you made a solid case for silence about infidelity not being a lie, which you failed to do. The heart doesn't even want to hear about the technicalities. The intent is what matters and the intent is to deceive her husband that he is in a solid marriage with a faithful spouse in order to keep the marriage, should she keep silent. It is actually a lie by omission, but even if it weren't, the intent is to have her husband stay with her based on false presumptions of fidelity. I am sure her husband wont give a crap about the technicalities you are trying to use in mitigation. The heart isn't bound by contractual or legal technicalities, it abhors being deceived in any way shape or form.


mm...well, hard to argue against that.


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## Gabriel

prayingforamiracle said:


> What do I say to him? How do I say it? When? Where? I have to do this… I know I do. I’m beyond terrified. I need help. We both do. How do I do this?


How? I think you find a safe place, like a coffee shop or busy park or something. Show remorse and just tell him straight. Tell him you are broken and messed up and you don't deserve his trust or love, and that you'll do anything to help him, even if that means letting him end the marriage. Go into it with the spirit of "I'll do whatever you need, just tell me".


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## prayingforamiracle

Diana7 said:


> As soon as possible. Be brave and just do it. As others have said it will be safer if you do it outside but no where crowded like a cafe as that's not fair on him.
> Just tell him what you said here. Pray and do it.
> Another possibility is that you write it all down and give him the letter. Then go out or stay away for a day or two to give him space.


what do I do after I tell him? How can I help him best? How can I be there for him and help him?


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## ABHale

prayingforamiracle said:


> what do I do after I tell him? How can I help him best? How can I be there for him and help him?


You can’t help your husband until you fix why you continuously cheated on him.

There are books on how to help your spouse to heal after a affair. Google it.


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## Diana7

prayingforamiracle said:


> what do I do after I tell him? How can I help him best? How can I be there for him and help him?


Just see what happens. Follow his lead. He may or may not want you around him. 
My advise us to give him space to take it in and begin to process it.


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## GoldenR

Don't start with "You know I love you", or any other lead-ins. 

Just tell him that you cheated again. Tell him that you couldn't allow him to live a lie and that's why you're confessing to him. Tell him that you feel different about it this time, as if you've finally snapped out of whatever nonsense had ahold of you, and that's why you're telling him without being caught. 

Tell him you plan on getting IC to help you. 

Tell him who it was with and for how long. Tell him you will do whatever he wants you to do. Then ask him if he has any questions.


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## Dictum Veritas

GoldenR said:


> Don't start with "You know I love you", or any other lead-ins.
> 
> Just tell him that you cheated again. Tell him that you couldn't allow him to live a lie and that's why you're confessing to him. Tell him that you feel different about it this time, as if you've finally snapped out of whatever nonsense had ahold of you, and that's why you're telling him without being caught.
> 
> Tell him you plan on getting IC to help you.
> 
> Tell him who it was with and for how long. Tell him you will do whatever he wants you to do. Then ask him if he has any questions.


Just to add, keep no secrets and answer all his questions truthfully and fully without leaving details out. There is no such thing as "sparing his feelings", that ship has already sailed when you committed the adultery and any omissions or lies are just you trying to protect yourself or make yourself look better and will come back to bite you in the end.


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## Gabriel

GoldenR said:


> Don't start with "You know I love you", or any other lead-ins.
> 
> Just tell him that you cheated again. Tell him that you couldn't allow him to live a lie and that's why you're confessing to him. Tell him that you feel different about it this time, as if you've finally snapped out of whatever nonsense had ahold of you, and that's why you're telling him without being caught.
> 
> Tell him you plan on getting IC to help you.
> 
> Tell him who it was with and for how long. Tell him you will do whatever he wants you to do. Then ask him if he has any questions.


This is pretty good. 

You sound very emotional and you'll have to balance being very sincere with your husband while keeping your emotions from being too much. 

As far as what can you do after you tell him.....that's more up to him. You offer to do whatever he needs you to do (absent self-debasing behavior). This could be any or all of the following:

1) Give him all the passwords to your phone, social media, etc. and allow him to check it any time he wants.
2) Go to counseling for yourself, and/or as couples
3) Give him space, in other words, just don't be home much
4) Undergo a polygraph to prove you haven't done more than what you are admitting to doing
5) Get tested for STDs
6) Sleep elsewhere
7) Say yes to sex
8) Talk
9) Separate/Divorce


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## OddOne

If or when you confess, be less defensive, even if you feel justified, than you come across at times here. Having a "you don't know my story so how dare you judge me" attitude is not going to help you. He may say things that are hurtful. Make erroneous assumptions about what you've done and with whom. But you have to try and show extra humbleness and tolerance for his responses, assuming he doesn't try and scream at the top of his lungs, or physically harm you again.


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## DallasCowboyFan

If you did wait to tell him and he found out years later, you would never convince him that it only happened one more time. He and his family and friends would believe that you are a lifetime cereal cheater. This may or not be the end for this relationship. Either way, you are very young. If this doesn't work out, you can learn from it and become a different person and find a lifetime of love. But you have got to quit letting yourself get close to men in the theater or any other random men in life. Theater isn't real, but it can trigger real emotions among those participating. Emotional decisions often lead to regret. In order to maintain long term relationships with men, you will have to eliminate the men who are friends from your life because they are just too tempting. Just as an alcoholic has to stay away from alcohol to thrive, you need to avoid anything that leads to emotional connections with men who are not potential lifetime partners


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## Tested_by_stress

prayingforamiracle said:


> what do I do after I tell him? How can I help him best? How can I be there for him and help him?


Best way you can help him is give him an uncontested divorce so he can find the right person. Best thing to do for yourself is get help so you don't hurt someone else in the future.


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## prayingforamiracle

Gabriel said:


> This is pretty good.
> 
> You sound very emotional and you'll have to balance being very sincere with your husband while keeping your emotions from being too much.
> 
> As far as what can you do after you tell him.....that's more up to him. You offer to do whatever he needs you to do (absent self-debasing behavior). This could be any or all of the following:
> 
> 1) Give him all the passwords to your phone, social media, etc. and allow him to check it any time he wants.
> 2) Go to counseling for yourself, and/or as couples
> 3) Give him space, in other words, just don't be home much
> 4) Undergo a polygraph to prove you haven't done more than what you are admitting to doing
> 5) Get tested for STDs
> 6) Sleep elsewhere
> 7) Say yes to sex
> 8) Talk
> 9) Separate/Divorce


I know what I need to do… I’m so scared to do this though… I come home from a vacation today, and I don’t want to wait any longer to tell him since I’ve been without him for a week… I’m used to sleeping without him next to me and not talking to him much, it’ll make it easier I hope. I’m praying for a miracle now, I just want to do the right thing.


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## prayingforamiracle

frusdil said:


> If what you say is true, that you do love your husband and value your marriage, you MUST do the right thing for both your husband and the marriage and tell him the whole truth. You don't allow him to live his life under a lie. A lie by ommission is still a lie.
> 
> In doing this, you do two things - you show your husband that you love and respect him enough to make a choice with all the information in front of him; and you allow the two of you to move forward with complete honesty and transparency, without this hanging over your head forever. He WILL find out, the truth always comes out.
> 
> Of course, there is a risk in telling him, he may decide that he can't accept it and ask for a divorce. That is a risk you must take though, and it's there because of your choices.


I know what I need to do… I’m so scared to do this though… I come home from a vacation today, and I don’t want to wait any longer to tell him since I’ve been without him for a week… I’m used to sleeping without him next to me and not talking to him much, it’ll make it easier I hope. I’m praying for a miracle now, I just want to do the right thing.


----------



## prayingforamiracle

GoldenR said:


> Don't start with "You know I love you", or any other lead-ins.
> 
> Just tell him that you cheated again. Tell him that you couldn't allow him to live a lie and that's why you're confessing to him. Tell him that you feel different about it this time, as if you've finally snapped out of whatever nonsense had ahold of you, and that's why you're telling him without being caught.
> 
> Tell him you plan on getting IC to help you.
> 
> Tell him who it was with and for how long. Tell him you will do whatever he wants you to do. Then ask him if he has any questions.


I know what I need to do… I’m so scared to do this though… I come home from a vacation today, and I don’t want to wait any longer to tell him since I’ve been without him for a week… I’m used to sleeping without him next to me and not talking to him much, it’ll make it easier I hope. I’m praying for a miracle now, I just want to do the right thing.


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## Diana7

prayingforamiracle said:


> I know what I need to do… I’m so scared to do this though… I come home from a vacation today, and I don’t want to wait any longer to tell him since I’ve been without him for a week… I’m used to sleeping without him next to me and not talking to him much, it’ll make it easier I hope. I’m praying for a miracle now, I just want to do the right thing.


You are doing the right thing. Throwing yourself on his mercy.


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## prayingforamiracle

Diana7 said:


> You are doing the right thing. Throwing yourself on his mercy.


will you pray for us? He and I? This will be the hardest thing I’m ever going to do. I need strength and peace with what Im about to do. Pray that God shows us the right path. Pray that my husband doesn’t act violently. Pray I know what to say and how to say it. Pray that things go the way God designed it to go, His will not ours. God is the only one in control of all of this, and I need his guidance.


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## Diana7

prayingforamiracle said:


> will you pray for us? He and I? This will be the hardest thing I’m ever going to do. I need strength and peace with what Im about to do. Pray that God shows us the right path. Pray that my husband doesn’t act violently. Pray I know what to say and how to say it. Pray that things go the way God designed it to go, His will not ours. God is the only one in control of all of this, and I need his guidance.


Of course I will.


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## prayingforamiracle

DallasCowboyFan said:


> If you did wait to tell him and he found out years later, you would never convince him that it only happened one more time. He and his family and friends would believe that you are a lifetime cereal cheater. This may or not be the end for this relationship. Either way, you are very young. If this doesn't work out, you can learn from it and become a different person and find a lifetime of love. But you have got to quit letting yourself get close to men in the theater or any other random men in life. Theater isn't real, but it can trigger real emotions among those participating. Emotional decisions often lead to regret. In order to maintain long term relationships with men, you will have to eliminate the men who are friends from your life because they are just too tempting. Just as an alcoholic has to stay away from alcohol to thrive, you need to avoid anything that leads to emotional connections with men who are not potential lifetime partners


I know what I need to do… I’m so scared to do this though… I come home from a vacation today, and I don’t want to wait any longer to tell him since I’ve been without him for a week… I’m used to sleeping without him next to me and not talking to him much, it’ll make it easier I hope. I’m praying for a miracle now, I just want to do the right thing.


----------



## OddOne

Something important to consider if he chooses to give you another chance, and I do believe that's more likely than not, though I've already stated I'm on the side of divorce, or at least a long break, is just what ends up motivating him to stay. Would it be because he finds he's happier with you despite your faults but is also confident enough to be without you? As in he might miss you but would not go into a deep depression and still be able to socialize as normal, etc. Or would it be because he feels he has no choice, that his value as a man is tied in with your happiness? And how much are you willing to let him control your life, monitor you in order to help him regain his trust in you, which will almost certainly never return 100%


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## QuietRiot

prayingforamiracle said:


> I know what I need to do… I’m so scared to do this though… I come home from a vacation today, and I don’t want to wait any longer to tell him since I’ve been without him for a week… I’m used to sleeping without him next to me and not talking to him much, it’ll make it easier I hope. I’m praying for a miracle now, I just want to do the right thing.


The right thing is to tell him, but if he is violent no, you do not subject yourself to his violence. You tell him with a trusted person there, or in a place where he won’t attack you. Your cheating is unacceptable, but so is physical abuse.

Second, I don’t for one second you should follow any of the advice about saving your marriage. You have WAY more important things to do than saving your broken and dysfunctional marriage. You need to focus on saving yourself through counseling and space from your husband and all men for that matter. I simply cannot agree with anyone telling you to live a lie. You shouldn’t be married.

You are not a safe person to be married to. Your husband is not a safe person to be married to if he’s already choked you before. I’m sure there were more times weren’t there?

Both of you need help and this marriage should come to an end until the both of you figure out how to be healthy individuals.


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## Galabar01

Good luck. Please don't be alone when telling him.


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## HappilyMarried1

prayingforamiracle said:


> I know what I need to do… I’m so scared to do this though… I come home from a vacation today


Just curious you been gone for a week on vacation and your husband did not go? Who did you go with if not your husband? I am sure he is going to feel awful, but probably more so I would say he will be even more hurt with what you have done (Again) because you've been gone and he has missed you and then you tell him you've been unfaithful multiple times (again). The poor guy I feel for him.


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## Kaliber

@prayingforamiracle just make sure he is not violent type or he is the type that might snap!
If he is, don't tell him!


----------



## Diana7

QuietRiot said:


> The right thing is to tell him, but if he is violent no, you do not subject yourself to his violence. You tell him with a trusted person there, or in a place where he won’t attack you. Your cheating is unacceptable, but so is physical abuse.
> 
> Second, I don’t for one second you should follow any of the advice about saving your marriage. You have WAY more important things to do than saving your broken and dysfunctional marriage. You need to focus on saving yourself through counseling and space from your husband and all men for that matter. I simply cannot agree with anyone telling you to live a lie. You shouldn’t be married.
> 
> You are not a safe person to be married to. Your husband is not a safe person to be married to if he’s already choked you before. I’m sure there were more times weren’t there?
> 
> Both of you need help and this marriage should come to an end until the both of you figure out how to be healthy individuals.


She said it was the only time it happened.


----------



## HappilyMarried1

I also want to say @prayingforamiracle what he did with the abuse the last time you cheated on him is wrong on his part no matter what you did or how mad, hurt, angry he is gives him the right to abuse you. I hope if this time which he is probably going to be more hurt, angry this time than last. The reason why he will be is you had promised it would not happen again and if you are honest and tell him everything and the time since it ended he is going to see how you treated him the past 3 months as a fake and not real you were just doing it because of your guilt and pitty for him.I just wanted to prepare you that he might do that.


----------



## prayingforamiracle

HappilyMarried1 said:


> Just curious you been gone for a week on vacation and your husband did not go? Who did you go with if not your husband? I am sure he is going to feel awful, but probably more so I would say he will be even more hurt with what you have done (Again) because you've been gone and he has missed you and then you tell him you've been unfaithful multiple times (again). The poor guy I feel for him.


I went with a girlfriend from cos school, her mom, sister, and a mom and girlfriend of hers. We planned this trip months in advance, he already knew all about it. What do you suggest I do? Should I wait to tell him?


----------



## prayingforamiracle

HappilyMarried1 said:


> I also want to say @prayingforamiracle what he did with the abuse the last time you cheated on him is wrong on his part no matter what you did or how mad, hurt, angry he is gives him the right to abuse you. I hope if this time which he is probably going to be more hurt, angry this time than last. The reason why he will be is you had promised it would not happen again and if you are honest and tell him everything and the time since it ended he is going to see how you treated him the past 3 months as a fake and not real you were just doing it because of your guilt and pitty for him.I just wanted to prepare you that he might do that.


I’m very nervous and scared to speak to him about this tonight.. I want more than anything to just snuggle up to him tonight and tell him about my trip… but I feel that would be cruel. Am I doing the right thing by telling him? I’m honestly not sure now… this is going to be hell


----------



## prayingforamiracle

Kaliber said:


> @prayingforamiracle just make sure he is not violent type or he is the type that might snap!
> If he is, don't tell him!


You think it’s better to keep this to myself? I don’t honestly know how he will react…


----------



## HappilyMarried1

prayingforamiracle said:


> I went with a girlfriend from cos school, her mom, sister, and a mom and girlfriend of hers. We planned this trip months in advance, he already knew all about it. What do you suggest I do? Should I wait to tell him?


That's tough to decide if he really missed you and you have been having a good sex life lately he is going to want to show you how much he has missed you and yes he is man who I assume would not cheat while you are away he is going to want you I would think and you spring this on him or after you are intimate. He is probably going to also be hurt and mad in addition to the act is you have basically been lying to him while you were doing what you were doing, plus in his eyes you have also been lying to him as well for the last 3+ months.


----------



## prayingforamiracle

HappilyMarried1 said:


> That's tough to decide if he really missed you and you have been having a good sex life lately he is going to want to show you how much he has missed you and yes he is man who I assume would not cheat while you are away he is going to want you I would think and you spring this on him or after you are intimate. He is probably going to also be hurt and mad in addition to the act is you have basically been lying to him while you were doing what you were doing, plus in his eyes you have also been lying to him as well for the last 3+ months.


Im just so stuck… I’ve come to accept the worst in my mind, I don’t want that for us but I did this bullish!t and need to own it I guess…

I don’t want to do this, I don’t. I want to just forget it ever happened and love him more. The thing is, my heart isn’t clear on what the best choice is…. I really don’t know. I have less than an hour to figure it out.


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## HappilyMarried1

Ok @prayingforamiracle be prepared since you have already done this to him before if you are actually going to tell him he is probably going to ask a lot more questions this time. Tell him everything he ask do not trickle truth to in your own mind to save him hurt. It always backfires and makes it worse. He will ask you about things you told him (lied to him) about where you were at and what you were doing when you were with the other guy. A lot of guys that hurts more than the act itself, while I don't know your husband at all I just telling you how it might go down based past threads here.


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## OddOne

I don't know how much, if any, preparation you've made for your confession, if that's what you ultimately decide to do, but it doesn't seem you've done a lot other than praying on it and bracing yourself for a bad reaction. I may go against what most others would say, but if you can't confess in a safe environment and with the support of good friends that will both help keep your BH calm while not making him feel responsible for your choices, I think you should try and delay the confession. But if you are prepared, notwithstanding your fear and anxiety over possibly losing him for good, then I don't think you should delay much longer.


----------



## prayingforamiracle

OddOne said:


> I don't know how much, if any, preparation you've made for your confession, if that's what you ultimately decide to do, but it doesn't seem you've done a lot other than praying on it and bracing yourself for a bad reaction. I may go against what most others would say, but if you can't confess in a safe environment and with the support of good friends that will both help keep your BH calm while not making him feel responsible for your choices, I think you should try and delay the confession. But if you are prepared, notwithstanding your fear and anxiety over possibly losing him for good, then I don't think you should delay much longer.


Ive decided to delay it. I’m too exhausted from my trip to even think straight


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## Evinrude58

Are you going to listen and tell him in a place that offers some safety in case he flips out?
Of course he’s going to say awful things in his pain. Are you prepared?
He may hit you based on the choking response. Hence the location.
I would consider telling him in a park or a location in sight of quick help, but in a place where he has the opportunity to return quickly home for some privacy.

it’s a positive in your behalf if you actually have enough I’d a conscience to tell him.

I believe if you keep doing the cheating, one day you will be so numb to your bad deeds that it won’t affect you. That would be really terrible. You’re young enough to get a handle on yourself and change your ways.

Even if he divorces you, you have time to find a guy you think more of and maybe be faithful to, if you ever become capable. Or just not get married again. It’s not something you’re required to be..... married.


----------



## ElOtro

Sonja said:


> I like how you write.


Thank you.


----------



## gr8ful1

prayingforamiracle said:


> Ive decided to delay it. I’m too exhausted from my trip to even think straight


Do you at least recognize your actions are all about yourself?


----------



## prayingforamiracle

gr8ful1 said:


> Do you at least recognize your actions are all about yourself?


yes…and I’m sick with myself. I don’t know how I’m going to do this… I tried to connect with him when he got home but it just didn’t feel right, and I know it never will again until I tell him. I have this massive wall between us only I can see. He has work tomorrow, but I just stay home since I don’t have a job yet.. do I wait for the weekend or do t as soon as possible?


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## Diana7

Don't make excuses, tell him. You said earlier that you know what you have to do. 
Maybe go for a walk together in a park and sit in a bench and just do it. 
Be brave, you know it's the right thing.


----------



## Kaliber

prayingforamiracle said:


> You think it’s better to keep this to myself? I don’t honestly know how he will react…


Judging from what he did last time:


prayingforamiracle said:


> I told my husband and it shattered him. He was furious and broken hearted. He smacked me and choked me.


@prayingforamiracle, we know that he is capable of being violent (even if this was out of character). You have managed to bring the worst in him!
You have no idea what he might do this time, something might snap in him and lose control and something really bad might happen, I don't want to see you on the news!
I very rarely advice this, but in your case I (strongly) advice you (again) to never tell him and take it with you to the grave and devote yourself to be the best wife, and work hard on fixing yourself through professional therapy and church!


----------



## Diana7

Kaliber said:


> Judging from what he did last time:
> 
> @prayingforamiracle, we know that he is capable of being violent (even if this was out of character). You have managed to bring the worst in him!
> You have no idea what he might do this time, something might snap in him and lose control and something really bad might happen, I don't want to see you on the news!
> I very rarely advice this, but in your case I (strongly) advice you (again) to never tell him and take it with you to the grave and devote yourself to be the best wife, and work hard on fixing yourself through professional therapy and church!


She can easily tell him in a place where she won't be in danger. In public. Not telling him in case he reacts badly isn't right. She can even tell him in a letter and leave it for him to read while she stays elsewhere for a few days. Lots of alternatives. 
Lies deception and hidden betrayals are not how you should act in a marriage.


----------



## BigDaddyNY

Diana7 said:


> She can easily tell him in a place where she won't be in danger. In public. Not telling him in case he reacts badly isn't right. She can even tell him in a letter and leave it for him to read while she stays elsewhere for a few days. Lots of alternatives.
> *Lies deception and hidden betrayals are not how you should act in a marriage.*


She even said that the guilt has put up a wall between her and her husband. She can't look at him without extreme guilt. It will only erode the relationship slowly over time. It will have rot at its core. Or, she eventually gets over the guilt and I suspect cheating again would be a real possibility.


----------



## Diana7

BigDaddyNY said:


> She even said that the guilt has put up a wall between her and her husband. She can't look at him without extreme guilt. It will only erode the relationship slowly over time. It will have rot at its core. Or, she eventually gets over the guilt and I suspect cheating again would be a real possibility.


That's partly what concerns me, that if she doesn't tell him this time it will be easier for her to cheat again and hide it again. Seeing again his devastation may hopefully bring her to her senses.


----------



## prayingforamiracle

Diana7 said:


> She can easily tell him in a place where she won't be in danger. In public. Not telling him in case he reacts badly isn't right. She can even tell him in a letter and leave it for him to read while she stays elsewhere for a few days. Lots of alternatives.
> Lies deception and hidden betrayals are not how you should act in a marriage.


We live with my parents…he doesn’t like them and I doubt he’d want to stay by himself there. I don’t know if I could go anywhere without someone expecting some info as to why. I’d rather this not get out of hand and the whole world hear about it. And a park? That’s require us to ride together there, so we’d be in private proximity anyways. I can just do it at home, my family is upstairs…

but he has work. I don’t want to detonate this bombshell on him the night before he has to work a full day tomorrow and the next day. He’d be miserable. He drives a delivery van and I fear he’d not pay attention to the road properly.


----------



## Gabriel

is there a place you can walk to that would have some people around, where you can drop the news? Or a place where you can drive, not far away, but your parents could pick you up?


----------



## BigDaddyNY

prayingforamiracle said:


> We live with my parents…he doesn’t like them and I doubt he’d want to stay by himself there. I don’t know if I could go anywhere without someone expecting some info as to why. I’d rather this not get out of hand and the whole world hear about it. And a park? That’s require us to ride together there, so we’d be in private proximity anyways. I can just do it at home, my family is upstairs…
> 
> but he has work. I don’t want to detonate this bombshell on him the night before he has to work a full day tomorrow and the next day. He’d be miserable. He drives a delivery van and I fear he’d not pay attention to the road properly.


You are just making excuses to stall and delay. It will never be the perfect time to drop something like this on him.


----------



## prayingforamiracle

BigDaddyNY said:


> She even said that the guilt has put up a wall between her and her husband. She can't look at him without extreme guilt. It will only erode the relationship slowly over time. It will have rot at its core. Or, she eventually gets over the guilt and I suspect cheating again would be a real possibility.


Ive been sick about this my whole trip away. On and off I’d feel sick about it and couldn’t get it off my mind.

so naturally it’s on my mind as soon as I get home. God I’m so scared and depressed about this. I can see it now, he comes home, I sit him down and tell him and he cries and possibly screams at me (he probably won’t since my family is here). Then he runs off and grabs his stuff or not anything at all and just drives away somewhere. Then I call him to make sure he’s alive and doesn’t answer or something. What if he drives himself into a ditch?? I couldn’t live knowing I did that to him. There is so much more to this, and I don’t want to take his freedom, but I don’t want to send him to his death either.

Im scared not only of the immediate outcome but the long term too. His sister just had a baby three days ago while I was out of town. He’s probably not going to talk to his family about any of it. He won’t have anyone to confide in. He has no friends really, he’ll be all by himself to deal with this and I don’t see that going in a positive place. I’ve tried talking to him about therapy before and he doesn’t really believe in it. This leads me to think he won’t care if I say I’m going to infidelity counseling or suggest we get marriage counseling, he thinks I wont help. I’m scared of both outcomes.

this is horrible but I’m almost scared of reconciling because of my feelings I stifled in me before. I sometimes had this feeling of wanting to be my own person and live by myself or with some gal friends and just do my best. Go to work, work on myself, go out and hang with people. But I know I’m my own person with him too. It’s just that I don’t feel such a push to do these positive adjustments to myself with him, he wants me, he’s my friend, he thinks I’m perfect, what’s there to fix? But I want to be better. I don’t know if that makes any sense… I also believe I’ll deeply regret going on my own. That I’ll never find a man that is as good as him again. That I have to reintroduce my entire self to someone again, all for nothing because no one could ever compare to him. I just don’t know… there’s so so much here I have on my mind…


----------



## prayingforamiracle

BigDaddyNY said:


> You are just making excuses to stall and delay. It will never be the perfect time to drop something like this on him.


you think that’s an excuse? I’m trying to look out for him and his safety. I’m trying to be considerate of his livelihood. If I did it Friday, he’s have the weekend to sit and contemplate everything and be able to just let out his feelings on the matter. Have you ever tried to work with a boulder on your heart like that? It’s damn near impossible and twice as miserable. I’m not trying to put it off, I’d rather get it over with as soon as possible. But I can suffer a few days more I make sure he is safe and can handle himself in he best way possible.


----------



## ABHale

prayingforamiracle said:


> I know what I need to do… I’m so scared to do this though… I come home from a vacation today, and I don’t want to wait any longer to tell him since I’ve been without him for a week… I’m used to sleeping without him next to me and not talking to him much, it’ll make it easier I hope. I’m praying for a miracle now, I just want to do the right thing.


You wen’t on a week long vacation without your husband, the one you cheated on, the one you are saying you want to fix things with.

you have no clue how to be in a relationship.


----------



## BigDaddyNY

prayingforamiracle said:


> you think that’s an excuse? I’m trying to look out for him and his safety. I’m trying to be considerate of his livelihood. If I did it Friday, he’s have the weekend to sit and contemplate everything and be able to just let out his feelings on the matter. Have you ever tried to work with a boulder on your heart like that? It’s damn near impossible and twice as miserable. I’m not trying to put it off, I’d rather get it over with as soon as possible. But I can suffer a few days more I make sure he is safe and can handle himself in he best way possible.


Its possible that work may actually keep his mind off the dumpster fire of a marriage he is currently in.


----------



## DallasCowboyFan

I know many people will disagree, but I think I would write him a letter. Tell him how sorry you are and that you are going to avoid even simple relationships with other men going forward. You will be able to get so many of your thoughts out that you might not otherwise. The negative to this suggestion is that if you write a letter, he has a written confession that he can use against you as long as it is intact.


----------



## BigDaddyNY

prayingforamiracle said:


> uhm phuck off? This trip was preplanned with my best friend in cosmetology school months ago. How does that indicate anything to you? Dont bother reading through this whole thread or anything, just jump in with assumptions. Geez.


I think you missed his point. If you were serous about fixing your marriage you wouldn't have gone on vacation. You've been sitting on this for months, ripped apart by guilt, but you go on vacation? Indicates very poor judgement.


----------



## ABHale

BigDaddyNY said:


> I think you missed his point. If you were serous about fixing your marriage you wouldn't have gone on vacation. You've been sitting on this for months, ripped apart by guilt, but you go on vacation? Indicates very poor judgement.


Girls just want to have fun.


----------



## Diana7

prayingforamiracle said:


> Ive been sick about this my whole trip away. On and off I’d feel sick about it and couldn’t get it off my mind.
> 
> so naturally it’s on my mind as soon as I get home. God I’m so scared and depressed about this. I can see it now, he comes home, I sit him down and tell him and he cries and possibly screams at me (he probably won’t since my family is here). Then he runs off and grabs his stuff or not anything at all and just drives away somewhere. Then I call him to make sure he’s alive and doesn’t answer or something. What if he drives himself into a ditch?? I couldn’t live knowing I did that to him. There is so much more to this, and I don’t want to take his freedom, but I don’t want to send him to his death either.
> 
> Im scared not only of the immediate outcome but the long term too. His sister just had a baby three days ago while I was out of town. He’s probably not going to talk to his family about any of it. He won’t have anyone to confide in. He has no friends really, he’ll be all by himself to deal with this and I don’t see that going in a positive place. I’ve tried talking to him about therapy before and he doesn’t really believe in it. This leads me to think he won’t care if I say I’m going to infidelity counseling or suggest we get marriage counseling, he thinks I wont help. I’m scared of both outcomes.
> 
> this is horrible but I’m almost scared of reconciling because of my feelings I stifled in me before. I sometimes had this feeling of wanting to be my own person and live by myself or with some gal friends and just do my best. Go to work, work on myself, go out and hang with people. But I know I’m my own person with him too. It’s just that I don’t feel such a push to do these positive adjustments to myself with him, he wants me, he’s my friend, he thinks I’m perfect, what’s there to fix? But I want to be better. I don’t know if that makes any sense… I also believe I’ll deeply regret going on my own. That I’ll never find a man that is as good as him again. That I have to reintroduce my entire self to someone again, all for nothing because no one could ever compare to him. I just don’t know… there’s so so much here I have on my mind…


If he is a strong Christian as you say presumably he can go to a pastor or a guy he trusts from church. 
You are using this idea of him killing himself as an excuse. He isn't mentally ill. Millions get cheated on and don't kill themselves and he didn't the last two times. 

Just go for a walk maybe, or write it down, you are just putting off the inevitable and making excuses. You have told him twice before, just do the same again. 

Your real fear is that he will end the marriage but it wasn't a big enough fear to stop you doing it.


----------



## prayingforamiracle

BigDaddyNY said:


> I think you missed his point. If you were serous about fixing your marriage you wouldn't have gone on vacation. You've been sitting on this for months, ripped apart by guilt, but you go on vacation? Indicates very poor judgement.


Alright, understandable. But I already paid my part, I couldn’t take it back and I couldn’t just share my issue with my friend and her mom, I haven’t told anyone about this. Not one person.


----------



## prayingforamiracle

Diana7 said:


> If he is a strong Christian as you say presumably he can go to a pastor or a guy he trusts from church?
> Go for a walk maybe, write it down, you are just putting off the inevitable.


we don’t actively go to church, but I guess he could go to his family’s church pastor. We haven’t been in a while. But he goes to church of Christ, no doubt his issues would be plastered everywhere for the whole congregation to see. Besides he doesn’t have any friends there, nobody our age goes there and he doesn’t go actively anyways. Like I said, he has no friends. He doesn’t hang out with anyone but me or his brother.

maybe I ought to write it down… I don’t know.


----------



## Blondilocks

prayingforamiracle said:


> *uhm phuck off? *This trip was preplanned with my best friend in cosmetology school months ago. How does that indicate anything to you? Dont bother reading through this whole thread or anything, just jump in with assumptions. Geez.


This level of rudeness is not permitted. I've reported your post to the moderators.


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## BigDaddyNY

prayingforamiracle said:


> we don’t actively go to church, but I guess he could go to his family’s church pastor. We haven’t been in a while. But he goes to church of Christ, no doubt his issues would be plastered everywhere for the whole congregation to see. Besides he doesn’t have any friends there, nobody our age goes there and he doesn’t go actively anyways. Like I said, he has no friends. He doesn’t hang out with anyone but me or his brother.
> 
> maybe I ought to write it down… I don’t know.


So he could talk to his brother about it.


----------



## ABHale

prayingforamiracle said:


> Alright, understandable. But I already paid my part, I couldn’t take it back and I couldn’t just share my issue with my friend and her mom, I haven’t told anyone about this. Not one person.


So what would have been the better course of action.

A) You give up your trip and money invested and confess what you have done to your husband.

B) From your husband’s point of view. You went off for a fun filled week then come back and confess yet again to cheating. First thought through his head will be “who did she **** on the trip?”


----------



## prayingforamiracle

Blondilocks said:


> This level of rudeness is not permitted. I've reported your post to the moderators.


ok do what you want I reported them too.


----------



## ABHale

Blondilocks said:


> This level of rudeness is not permitted. I've reported your post to the moderators.


Thanks, I have been told worse.


----------



## uphillbattle

prayingforamiracle said:


> you think that’s an excuse? I’m trying to look out for him and his safety. I’m trying to be considerate of his livelihood. If I did it Friday, he’s have the weekend to sit and contemplate everything and be able to just let out his feelings on the matter. Have you ever tried to work with a boulder on your heart like that? It’s damn near impossible and twice as miserable. I’m not trying to put it off, I’d rather get it over with as soon as possible. But I can suffer a few days more I make sure he is safe and can handle himself in he best way possible.


Have you honestly convinced yourself that delaying has anything to do with your concern for him? I know you have a hard time with the truth with him but at least attempt to be truthful with yourself.


----------



## prayingforamiracle

ABHale said:


> So what would have been the better course of action.
> 
> A) You give up your trip and money invested and confess what you have done to your husband.
> 
> B) From your husband’s point of view. You went off for a fun filled week then come back and confess yet again to cheating. First thought through his head will be “who did she **** on the trip?”


i get your perspective on that. But we were with MOMS. You really think we went to some night clubs and screwed people? You only know part of the story and about me and my friend, anyone who knows us knows we aren’t in that category of people. I’ve never been to a club or bar and my friend hasn’t either. We aren’t like typical 21 year olds… we’re more awkward and self conscious. I don’t think he’d see it that way at all frankly. It was a fair point to mention though.


----------



## Diana7

So he can talk to his brother if he wants to talk.
Sounds as if you guys need to find a good church whatever happens.

I would advise telling him asap. He can always take a days leave if he wants to.


----------



## prayingforamiracle

uphillbattle said:


> Have you honestly convinced yourself that delaying has anything to do with your concern for him? I know you have a hard time with the truth with him but at least attempt to be truthful with yourself.


would you really say I’m doing it otherwise? This ain’t an easy thing to keep to yourself. Ive suffer three whole months due to my own choices of course. Still, guilt and shame like this is debilitating. It’s hard to eat and sleep. It’s not easy keeping this to oneself. I’d much rather unload this on him as soon as I can, but is that truly fair to him given what I said about work?


----------



## ABHale

prayingforamiracle said:


> i get your perspective on that. But we were with MOMS. You really think we went to some night clubs and screwed people? You only know part of the story and about me and my friend, anyone who knows us knows we aren’t in that category of people. I’ve never been to a club or bar and my friend hasn’t either. We aren’t like typical 21 year olds… we’re more awkward and self conscious. I don’t think he’d see it that way at all frankly. It was a fair point to mention though.


No I don’t think that is what you did. That isn’t the issue. What your husband thinks is the issue.


----------



## prayingforamiracle

ABHale said:


> No I don’t think that is what you did. That isn’t the issue. What your husband thinks is the issue.


well of course. But he knows this friend and she is now where near the type to do that. I told him about the whole trip already, with pics and stuff to prove it. I don’t see it as an issue


----------



## uphillbattle

prayingforamiracle said:


> *Ive *been sick about this my whole trip away. On and off* I’d *feel sick about it and couldn’t get it off my mind.
> 
> so naturally it’s on *my *mind as soon as I get home. God* I’m *so scared and depressed about this.* I *can see it now, he comes home, *I *sit him down and tell him and he cries and possibly screams at me (he probably won’t since my family is here). Then he runs off and grabs his stuff or not anything at all and just drives away somewhere. Then* I* call him to make sure he’s alive and doesn’t answer or something. What if he drives himself into a ditch??* I* couldn’t live knowing* I* did that to him. There is so much more to this, and* I* don’t want to take his freedom, but* I *don’t want to send him to his death either.
> 
> *Im* scared not only of the immediate outcome but the long term too. His sister just had a baby three days ago while* I* was out of town. He’s probably not going to talk to his family about any of it. He won’t have anyone to confide in. He has no friends really, he’ll be all by himself to deal with this and *I* don’t see that going in a positive place. *I’v*e tried talking to him about therapy before and he doesn’t really believe in it. This leads me to think he won’t care if* I *say* I’m* going to infidelity counseling or suggest we get marriage counseling, he thinks *I *wont help.* I’m* scared of both outcomes.
> 
> this is horrible but* I’m* almost scared of reconciling because of my feelings *I* stifled in me before. *I *sometimes had this feeling of wanting to be my own person and live by myself or with some gal friends and just do my best. Go to work, work on myself, go out and hang with people. But *I *know I’m my own person with him too. It’s just that *I* don’t feel such a push to do these positive adjustments to* myself *with him, he wants *me*, he’s my friend, he thinks* I’m* perfect, what’s there to fix? But* I *want to be better.* I* don’t know if that makes any sense…* I *also believe *I’ll* deeply regret going on my own. That* I’ll *never find a man that is as good as him again. That *I* have to reintroduce my entire self to someone again, all for nothing because no one could ever compare to him.* I *just don’t know… there’s so so much here* I *have on my mind…


Look at what I have made bold. You seem to make it a common theme for everything. Take a step back, think about that for a second. You need to tell him, don't have sex with him, give him an opportunity to be affectionate to someone who has been so fake to him. Every time you do, you slap him more and more. Just do what you know to be right no matter how much you don't want to.


----------



## uphillbattle

prayingforamiracle said:


> would you really say I’m doing it otherwise? This ain’t an easy thing to keep to yourself. Ive suffer three whole months due to my own choices of course. Still, guilt and shame like this is debilitating. It’s hard to eat and sleep. It’s not easy keeping this to oneself. I’d much rather unload this on him as soon as I can,* but is that truly fair to him given what I said about work*?


Absolutely, every emotion he feels toward you is a lie. Every hug, kiss, gesture all based on information you deny him based on the guise that it is for his own good. You say you wish to better yourself but you continue this, every second you do is another second that you prove you have no actual interest in bettering yourself. It's still about you.


----------



## ABHale

prayingforamiracle said:


> well of course. But he knows this friend and she is now where near the type to do that. I told him about the whole trip already, with pics and stuff to prove it. I don’t see it as an issue


Your not seeing it as an problem is the problem. You have no clue about the commitment and work a relationship takes. You have always found an exit when you needed it. Be it breaking up with your then bf to cheating on your now husband. You have never been faithful.

I have three kids 24-19. They have never been clubbing or bar hooping. I know exactly what you are talking about.


----------



## Dictum Veritas

Kaliber said:


> Judging from what he did last time:
> 
> @prayingforamiracle, we know that he is capable of being violent (even if this was out of character). You have managed to bring the worst in him!
> You have no idea what he might do this time, something might snap in him and lose control and something really bad might happen, I don't want to see you on the news!
> I very rarely advice this, but in your case I (strongly) advice you (again) to never tell him and take it with you to the grave and devote yourself to be the best wife, and work hard on fixing yourself through professional therapy and church!


Bad advice, if he has the capability to be violent when she informs him, he might just murder her in her sleep should he find this out by himself. I say this with the caveat that I have no idea that he is really as violent as what he is made out to be and neither does anyone else here.


----------



## prayingforamiracle

uphillbattle said:


> Look at what I have made bold. You seem to make it a common theme for everything. Take a step back, think about that for a second. You need to tell him, don't have sex with him, give him an opportunity to be affectionate to someone who has been so fake to him. Every time you do, you slap him more and more. Just do what you know to be right no matter how much you don't want to.


how else could I have articulated my thoughts if not in the way worded above? What SHOULD it have looked like? I honestly want to know how I could have written that better. I’m not angry, I just don’t understand your perspective on it. I know you pointed out my use of “I” a lot, but what the heck else am I supposed to say? The royal “we”?

this is something that I, yes you read that right, I , ME , MYSELF, have to face and make a decision about. It affects MY HUSBAND greatly. That is MY concern. I care about MY husband and want to do what will be best for HIM. Whatever that may be. Maybe none of you really have that answer for me. Each of your advice is based solely on an anonymous couple of paragraphs and responses. You see the tip of the iceberg, a string of events summarized but have taken months and years to coagulate. You don’t know my person nor who I am… you give blind guidance from only what is given. Why should I take anyone’s advice here? I don’t think any of you care about me- how could you? You know nothing about me at all. Nor my husband for that matter. Neither of us. I struggle to take any advice now that I’ve reflected on that.. you won’t be losing your marriage, my husband and I will. You won’t be feeling the downward spiral of depression and mental anguish that he will feel, he will. You see it from your phone or computer screen and a scroll on. It’s just such a strange thing… this entire website.


----------



## ABHale

In a relationship honesty is always best.

You need a therapist to help you and just you. If they tell you what you did is that bad, find another one. You need one that will actually work with you to help you understand the problems, not be all sweetness and it’s ok.

You can not fix your relationship/marriage until you fix yourself.

Your husband has the right to know that you cheated again, I think deep down you know this. Like others have said, there is never a good time.

You might not be the one to tell your husband, there are many cases where the other betrayed spouse tells the other one. There are a few stories on TAM where this is the case. It is better coming from you then someone else.


----------



## Dictum Veritas

prayingforamiracle said:


> how else could I have articulated my thoughts if not in the way worded above? What SHOULD it have looked like? I honestly want to know how I could have written that better. I’m not angry, I just don’t understand your perspective on it. I know you pointed out my use of “I” a lot, but what the heck else am I supposed to say? The royal “we”?
> 
> this is something that I, yes you read that right, I , ME , MYSELF, have to face and make a decision about. It affects MY HUSBAND greatly. That is MY concern. I care about MY husband and want to do what will be best for HIM. Whatever that may be. Maybe none of you really have that answer for me. Each of your advice is based solely on an anonymous couple of paragraphs and responses. You see the tip of the iceberg, a string of events summarized but have taken months and years to coagulate. You don’t know my person nor who I am… you give blind guidance from only what is given. Why should I take anyone’s advice here? I don’t think any of you care about me- how could you? You know nothing about me at all. Nor my husband for that matter. Neither of us. I struggle to take any advice now that I’ve reflected on that.. you won’t be losing your marriage, my husband and I will. You won’t be feeling the downward spiral of depression and mental anguish that he will feel, he will. You see it from your phone or computer screen and a scroll on. It’s just such a strange thing… this entire website.


You committed adultery, we just highlight the fruits thereof. There are no sweet fruits borne by your choices and actions, but there is redemption in doing the right thing.


----------



## rugswept

Ok, let's summarize. PFM has been a serial cheater, is terrified to confess, and seems to have shame creeping in ... that all these others will find out. Like her parents who told her not to marry "him". Parents thought he was no good. They were looking in the wrong place. Her real regret is related to the end of her self fantasy and the illusion by others how good of a person she is. 

After PFM confesses and he blows up, she'll back away and talk about how mean and abusive he is. Then, PFM, very young, immature and uncommitted will dive on the first guy who says "nice things" to her. When she gets lusty, she'll act quick to bang the newbie, real soon. She'll say she got caught up in the moment.

Divorce and move on to the BFs. There are plenty of them out there, for now, as long as you're still young and look kinda ok. After that, not so much. Willingness makes you a 10+ to all those trolling dudes, making you worth "the investment". You're good, the dudes are good, it's all fun and everything's all good. 

Hubby can die in hell and hopefully he'll tell no one about the whole thing as he's run out by your family, after he supported you in your career development. 

That's the real summary isn't it?


----------



## ElOtro

prayingforamiracle said:


> I don’t see him as a fool.


As feelings an intentions mean a bit less than nothing and the truth is all in the facts and actions, stop treating him as if a fool.



prayingforamiracle said:


> I did confess to the others, what exactly are you getting at?
> 
> This time I have seen the error of my ways all on my own. I ended it on my own. I am torturing myself with it all alone. How could confession of this, something I never dare do again, be a helpful thing for my marriage now? How could it help an already broken man to feel better? I don’t believe it can. And I will never place myself in any position for this type of activity again. I do not want anyone but him.


I don´t give the smallest of coins for the inner "moral" side of sins and confessions.
One of the worst of them all is the break of mutual loyalty in the human couple, the betrayal of it´s exclusive unity.
The point is not to feel bad or better. It is to be or, at least, to become.
What is not possible without an informed, concious common front between both on what is the factual nature of the aggression (of both your and your affair partner) to what WAS a couple. And without facing the external enemy.
All the remaining is, IMO, noise dressed as pious words.
And I suspect that same will be in your husband´s thoughts.


----------



## uphillbattle

prayingforamiracle said:


> you give blind guidance from only what is given


Given by you. Say what you want but we only have what you tell us. 


prayingforamiracle said:


> I don’t think any of you care about me- how could you? You know nothing about me at all. Nor my husband for that matter.


Honestly, I am probably one of the few people who doesn't have an axe to grind here. You are my daughter's age, I feel horrible for you and the path you have taken. It has caused a lot of anguish for you and your husband. You can tell yourself what you want but I don't wish bad things for you.


prayingforamiracle said:


> I struggle to take any advice now that I’ve reflected on that.. you won’t be losing your marriage, my husband and I will.


Of course you struggle taking advise that is contrary to what you feel you are still young and only want what you want. Your marriage is in the shape that it's currently in, (possible losing of the marriage) because you have this attitude. Not because of the people on here. I assure you they would have advised you not cheat but you would have ignored that. Do you think they would have been wrong then? Of course not, they would have been right then as well as now. 

I truly am sorry you have put yourself in this place. You need at some point to look in the mirror and see that the path you want isn't necessarily the right one. I hope you can get yourself in order and to a better place but you need to take the first step toward doing the right thing to get there. Good luck.


----------



## Offkilter123

prayingforamiracle said:


> this is horrible but I’m almost scared of reconciling because of my feelings I stifled in me before. I sometimes had this feeling of wanting to be my own person and live by myself or with some gal friends and just do my best. Go to work, work on myself, go out and hang with people.


Let him go. Enjoy the single life that you obviously desire.


----------



## VintageRetro

@prayingforamiracle As a recent BS I at times have struggled early on with some of the advice given here. With very few exceptions everyone has provided me with at least some amount of advice that assisted me in making decisions while I navigated something I didn't ask for. 

I'm not going to give you advice about your situation but I might can help you see through what appears to be hurtful remarks or personal attacks.

First, remember you are on a board where the vast majority have been hurt by SOs like yourself and most showed no remorse. Regret yes not remorse.

Second, it is a written medium so inflection and tone when reading your posts are left up to the person reading it. Just keep it in mind when providing information or responding.

Third, ignoring remarks that do not help you or you feel are personal attacks is better than responding. You are not here to argue. You are here to get help. If it's not helpful scroll past it. For your own peace of mind.

And last, a lot of what you might think of as mean and unnecessary remarks are used to shock you out of things such as affair fog, denial, or in your case indecision.

No one here can give you a step by step way of handling your situation. I wish my wife had told me instead of the OBS. I doubt it would have changed the outcome much but I do know that I would not be in the situation where she is pregnant and not only our marriage is affected but the life of an innocent unborn child.

And one last thing, by being unable to make a decision you already have. Part of maturing in life is facing whatever reality your dealing with. Maturity and integrity will benefit you in the long run a lot more than the infidelity will negatively affect you. IF, you face it. Learn from it. And don't repeat it.

I'll say a prayer for you just as I do my WW everyday.


----------



## prayingforamiracle

VintageRetro said:


> @prayingforamiracle
> 
> And one last thing, by being unable to make a decision you already have. Part of maturing in life is facing whatever reality your dealing with. Maturity and integrity will benefit you in the long run a lot more than the infidelity will negatively affect you. IF, you face it. Learn from it. And don't repeat it.
> 
> I'll say a prayer for you just as I do my WW everyday.


thank you for helping me understand everything here, it’s been… surreal I suppose.

I have to tell him tonight then, that’s what my indecisiveness is saying to me. Look what I’ve done…. What a mess I’ve made. I never would have thought I could do such a horrible thing, but I’ve done it and worse, I waited 3 months to finally decide to do the right thing.

thank you for your prayers, I desperately need them. Please, pray for my husband most of all. He needs them more. I’ll be telling him tonight when he comes home. Pray he doesn’t act with violence. I won’t ask you to pray for our marriage to work, but please, ask God to give me the words to say. Ask Him to guide us both in this storm. Pray that we follow His will, not our own. This is the biggest mistake of my life, I regret it with every fiber of my being. But I need to suffer the consequences of my actions, I’m the only one to blame.


----------



## sideways

So now you're concerned on how he'll take the news?

It would have behooved you to think about what this would do to him BEFORE you betrayed him but that ship has sailed.

Please tell him as he deserves to know.


----------



## prayingforamiracle

uphillbattle said:


> Given by you. Say what you want but we only have what you tell us.
> 
> Honestly, I am probably one of the few people who doesn't have an axe to grind here. You are my daughter's age, I feel horrible for you and the path you have taken. It has caused a lot of anguish for you and your husband. You can tell yourself what you want but I don't wish bad things for you.
> 
> Of course you struggle taking advise that is contrary to what you feel you are still young and only want what you want. Your marriage is in the shape that it's currently in, (possible losing of the marriage) because you have this attitude. Not because of the people on here. I assure you they would have advised you not cheat but you would have ignored that. Do you think they would have been wrong then? Of course not, they would have been right then as well as now.
> 
> I truly am sorry you have put yourself in this place. You need at some point to look in the mirror and see that the path you want isn't necessarily the right one. I hope you can get yourself in order and to a better place but you need to take the first step toward doing the right thing to get there. Good luck.


Thank you for saying all of this. It’s cleared my sight in what I’m doing.

I can’t deceive this man I love anymore. I have to face the music. I can’t believe I’ve done this to us. But I have. I have to face my sins head on now. I’m so scared. I can’t stop crying over what I’ve done… this is the biggest mistake of my life.

I pray everything works as it’s supposed to. Even if that means losing him. Ive got no one but myself to blame.


----------



## hinterdir

prayingforamiracle said:


> you think that’s an excuse? I’m trying to look out for him and his safety. I’m trying to be considerate of his livelihood. If I did it Friday, he’s have the weekend to sit and contemplate everything and be able to just let out his feelings on the matter. Have you ever tried to work with a boulder on your heart like that? It’s damn near impossible and twice as miserable. I’m not trying to put it off, I’d rather get it over with as soon as possible. But I can suffer a few days more I make sure he is safe and can handle himself in he best way possible.


Most of the people this happens with take off work. Many will tell their bosses and some of the cool bosses are understanding and just say.....take some time off but even not most people will just take time off of work while processing this.


----------



## hinterdir

prayingforamiracle said:


> uhm phuck off? This trip was preplanned with my best friend in cosmetology school months ago. How does that indicate anything to you? Dont bother reading through this whole thread or anything, just jump in with assumptions. Geez.


Lesbian relationship. Almost marrying a woman. 
Doing theater....often nude scenes, kissing of male actors for "work".
Rampant hanging with other men, texting, flirting, sexting other men.
Sexual affairs multiple times on your husband.
Telling other people to PHUCK off. 

"I am a devote Christian"

Wow. You may want to work on that some. 
Christians like you is one of the main things that drives off the unbelieving world from Christ. They look at the way his people act and think....if that is what being a Christian looks like I want no part of that.


----------



## Casual Observer

prayingforamiracle said:


> thank you for helping me understand everything here, it’s been… surreal I suppose.
> 
> I have to tell him tonight then, that’s what my indecisiveness is saying to me. Look what I’ve done…. What a mess I’ve made. I never would have thought I could do such a horrible thing, but I’ve done it and worse, I waited 3 months to finally decide to do the right thing.
> 
> thank you for your prayers, I desperately need them. Please, pray for my husband most of all. He needs them more. I’ll be telling him tonight when he comes home. Pray he doesn’t act with violence. I won’t ask you to pray for our marriage to work, but please, ask God to give me the words to say. Ask Him to guide us both in this storm. Pray that we follow His will, not our own. This is the biggest mistake of my life, I regret it with every fiber of my being. But I need to suffer the consequences of my actions, I’m the only one to blame.


Yes, this. It is time to stop thinking, stop rationalizing, stop hiding from yourself, from your husband, from whatever true friends you have who might have tried to correct your path had they known. Above all stop worrying about consequences because they’re not for you to decide or mitigate. Consequences are for actions already taken. Consequences come as a package with the deed, the infidelities, the lies.

You need to surrender the idea of control and let things progress as they should. It’s a very tall order to be sure but it’s the only thing that can put you on a better path. Notice I didn’t mention your husband. Yes, this is actually the best thing for you. Not just him.


----------



## farsidejunky

prayingforamiracle said:


> well of course. But he knows this friend and she is now where near the type to do that. I told him about the whole trip already, with pics and stuff to prove it. I don’t see it as an issue


What you don't seem to get is that when infidelity comes to light, it leads to the betrayed spouse questioning a TON of things they would not otherwise question. 

Things like, "Did her friend know while it was ongoing? Was she an enabler?"

And frankly, based on your honesty not only in this episode, but also in past ones, he has zero reason (or obligation for that matter) to believe you when you tell him otherwise.

Your assumption is that his proverbial house is sturdy, when you are about to take a jack hammer to the foundation...AGAIN.

He will feel that everyone and everything around you is not as it has been portrayed.

That is one of many consequences of infidelity. 

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


----------



## seadoug105

Whatever you do, how ever you do it; won’t matter if you are doing it with the outcome in mind. As is said often you have to “let go of the result”…

if you don’t it will be nearly impossible for you to be fully truthful. Whether its protecting him/his feelings, your own self presevation, etc; you will most likely lie or trickle truth him. You may plan to be honest but then consider the results and shift…. You have to let go of the results.. 

Hell, you might even find your not even being honest with yourself….


----------



## Diana7

prayingforamiracle said:


> would you really say I’m doing it otherwise? This ain’t an easy thing to keep to yourself. Ive suffer three whole months due to my own choices of course. Still, guilt and shame like this is debilitating. It’s hard to eat and sleep. It’s not easy keeping this to oneself. I’d much rather unload this on him as soon as I can, but is that truly fair to him given what I said about work?


Its not about unloading, its about telling him the truth. Whenever you tell him its going to be very painful for him so waiting for a weekend seems immaterial.


----------



## Casual Observer

@prayingforamiracle What others are saying is correct. Your husband is going to view this trip you're planning in the worst possible way. Everyone associated with it will be suspect. He will see it as the tipping point for you; he will imagine that whatever you did on this trip, that was what pushed you over the edge so you had to finally confess. You will lose all possible credibility with him; everything that actually was innocent will look otherwise.

Don't take this trip. Call it off. Tell your husband beforehand. It might even be a good idea to tell the truth, which is that you don't dare go away with anyone, anywhere, knowing what you have been capable of.


----------



## Diana7

prayingforamiracle said:


> how else could I have articulated my thoughts if not in the way worded above? What SHOULD it have looked like? I honestly want to know how I could have written that better. I’m not angry, I just don’t understand your perspective on it. I know you pointed out my use of “I” a lot, but what the heck else am I supposed to say? The royal “we”?
> 
> this is something that I, yes you read that right, I , ME , MYSELF, have to face and make a decision about. It affects MY HUSBAND greatly. That is MY concern. I care about MY husband and want to do what will be best for HIM. Whatever that may be. Maybe none of you really have that answer for me. Each of your advice is based solely on an anonymous couple of paragraphs and responses. You see the tip of the iceberg, a string of events summarized but have taken months and years to coagulate. You don’t know my person nor who I am… you give blind guidance from only what is given. Why should I take anyone’s advice here? I don’t think any of you care about me- how could you? You know nothing about me at all. Nor my husband for that matter. Neither of us. I struggle to take any advice now that I’ve reflected on that.. you won’t be losing your marriage, my husband and I will. You won’t be feeling the downward spiral of depression and mental anguish that he will feel, he will. You see it from your phone or computer screen and a scroll on. It’s just such a strange thing… this entire website.


If we didnt care we wouldnt be wasting our time answering your posts. Many of us are far far older than you, even my children are far far older than you, and we have learnt a lot from living life and going through very hard times. This is why most of us advise being honest. yes of course he will suffer, that is what adultery does, hopefully if you do get another chance you will remember all of this.


----------



## Diana7

Casual Observer said:


> @prayingforamiracle What others are saying is correct. Your husband is going to view this trip you're planning in the worst possible way. Everyone associated with it will be suspect. He will see it as the tipping point for you; he will imagine that whatever you did on this trip, that was what pushed you over the edge so you had to finally confess. You will lose all possible credibility with him; everything that actually was innocent will look otherwise.
> 
> Don't take this trip. Call it off. Tell your husband beforehand. It might even be a good idea to tell the truth, which is that you don't dare go away with anyone, anywhere, knowing what you have been capable of.


She has already been.


----------



## CrAzYdOgLaDy

@prayingforamiracle make sure you have someone you can contact quickly if he does become violent. Let someone you trust know the time, day etc you are going to tell him, and if you haven't contacted them in say a couple or few hours, for them to phone you to make sure you haven't been harmed. The most dangerous times in a marriage is when infidelity happens and BS finds out or when leaving. You will need to make sure you are both safe. Your husbands world is about to fall apart and none of us on here know him or how he will react. He's strangled you once before. Crimes of passion happen every day, so please make a safety plan before telling him. Your husband is going to need lots of support for himself and hope he has someone he can confide in. Please come back here and let us know you are ok. What you have done is awful and devastating for your husband, but I wouldn't want anything bad happening to you. Do you have anyone you can trust, to help you with a safety plan? You say your parents live above you, can you confide in them? Anyone you know/trust who can support your husband? Get the safety plan in place and then tell him. That's the best advice I can give you.

When you walk through a storm
Hold your head up high
And don't be afraid of the dark


YNWA


----------



## EleGirl

Kaliber said:


> Judging from what he did last time:
> 
> @prayingforamiracle, we know that he is capable of being violent (even if this was out of character). You have managed to bring the worst in him!
> You have no idea what he might do this time, something might snap in him and lose control and something really bad might happen, I don't want to see you on the news!
> I very rarely advice this, but in your case I (strongly) advice you (again) to never tell him and take it with you to the grave and devote yourself to be the best wife, and work hard on fixing yourself through professional therapy and church!


On this forum there is a strong believe by our members that a person should always tell their spouse if they cheated. However there is not a consensus about this even among therapists. More than half of all affairs are never found out about by the betrayed spouse (BS). 

Often times, people confess affairs to their spouse with 2 rather sick motives. 
1) to purposely hurt the spouse they cheated on. They are pissed at their spouse about who knows what and revenge is sweet (I guess).
2) It helps to relieve their own guilt. They tell to release the pressure they feel for the guilt of what they did. This puts it all on their betrayed spouse. It's a very cruel motive.

The only honest reason to confess an affair is to inform the BS of the **** show they have been living in and to give them chance to decide for themselves whether they want to stay in this marriage and fix it or just leave.

In my opinion, telling one's spouse about an affair is often the right course. But sometimes it's not. If there is any legitimate fear of violence... meaning he's beat the crap out of you or hurt himself, it's probably best to not tell. In this type of situation, take it to the grave with you. From here on out work to be the very best wife and make it up to him that way. You take care of fixing you. Go to a councilor, tell them what you did, and fix YOU. That's how you do you.

Does your husband know the guy you cheated with? Is this guy in your social group? If he does know them or know others who know the guy, he might find out on his own.

I was cheated on by two husbands. In the first one I found out about because I found little clues. Then after I filed for divorce some of my friends told me that they knew he was cheating and told me little gems like "His car used to be parked at some woman's house down the street every night when he told you he was working at the hospital." These women who told me this are no longer my friends. 

The second husband ... He was cheating when he traveled for work. I found out one day when I saw and open chat with some women left open on his computer. I chatted with her, pretending to be him, and found out about that affair.

To be honest, I wish both of them had just stopped their cheating and never told me about it. The emotional damage me knowing about their affairs has been devastating to me and to our children. Sometimes ignorance is bliss.

Now, I know others on this forum are going to jump all over me for posting this. Don't bother. I know you disagree. That's ok. We don't all have to agree all the time about everything. This is just my opinion in this one case.


----------



## prayingforamiracle

hinterdir said:


> Lesbian relationship. Almost marrying a woman.
> Doing theater....often nude scenes, kissing of male actors for "work".
> Rampant hanging with other men, texting, flirting, sexting other men.
> Sexual affairs multiple times on your husband.
> Telling other people to PHUCK off.
> 
> "I am a devote Christian"
> 
> Wow. You may want to work on that some.
> Christians like you is one of the main things that drives off the unbelieving world from Christ. They look at the way his people act and think....if that is what being a Christian looks like I want no part of that.


you have every right to point that out. You’re 110% correct. I haven’t been walking like I’ve been talking lately at all. I feel very convicted of that fact.

that being said, I’m a sinner through and through. I can never be enough for my God. But I need to try. We all fall short, we all sin sometimes worse than others. A veil has been lifted from my eyes through your comment. I haven’t been a devout Christian. Not with the life I’ve been living. I’m going to turn my life around through this experience. I need to get my sights set on better things. I need to be better.
One of the blessings of being a Christian is that it is never too late to change. Gods grace is beyond anything in this world. I will run to the cross today with all of this in mind. I don’t want to be that woman anymore.


----------



## Lostinthought61

prayingforamiracle said:


> how else could I have articulated my thoughts if not in the way worded above? What SHOULD it have looked like? I honestly want to know how I could have written that better. I’m not angry, I just don’t understand your perspective on it. I know you pointed out my use of “I” a lot, but what the heck else am I supposed to say? The royal “we”?
> 
> this is something that I, yes you read that right, I , ME , MYSELF, have to face and make a decision about. It affects MY HUSBAND greatly. That is MY concern. I care about MY husband and want to do what will be best for HIM. Whatever that may be. Maybe none of you really have that answer for me. Each of your advice is based solely on an anonymous couple of paragraphs and responses. You see the tip of the iceberg, a string of events summarized but have taken months and years to coagulate. You don’t know my person nor who I am… you give blind guidance from only what is given. Why should I take anyone’s advice here? I don’t think any of you care about me- how could you? You know nothing about me at all. Nor my husband for that matter. Neither of us. I struggle to take any advice now that I’ve reflected on that.. you won’t be losing your marriage, my husband and I will. You won’t be feeling the downward spiral of depression and mental anguish that he will feel, he will. You see it from your phone or computer screen and a scroll on. It’s just such a strange thing… this entire website.



Praying... you are absolutely correct, none of us know you, know your husband, know anything about your marriage and your relationship between the both of you...but clearly this albatross around your neck is also effecting yourself, your psyche and your ability to function with your husband because of the guilt you carry with you. But understand that while we may no nothing about your life except what you have shared here, you obviously came here for a reason, you knew it wasn't for absolution because it is not ours to give and it wouldn't happen regardless, if you have read other post...so what i suspect you came here to do is to find a way to save your marriage while at the same time of finding a way to tell your husband. Might i suggest that you do this reveal in front of a marriage counselor, you may have to have a couple sessions first alone before telling him with the counselor to help him address this.


----------



## ElOtro

In NO alternative is right to accept violence from a spouse. No way, non, nein, nyet, nu, ne never, nil.

If that is an actual danger when you confess, then: 


Still do it in a safe enviroment, a public one or with some preventive other´s near.
If you choosee to "take it to the grave" for such and only reason, ask for a non negotiable divorce and an inmediate separation while it happens.
Do NOT "take it to the grave" and try to stay in the severely wounded relationship. It would be an abuse from your side.

Best (best) wishes.


----------



## OddOne

To me, no amount of loyalty and genuine dedication after a deception can atone for said deception when the BS is ignorant of it. If he becomes aware of it he can make his own choice as to if or when OP has redeemed herself. If OP cannot tell of her cheating, albeit for understandable reasons, then that should be enough for her to choose divorce as soon as is viably possible. She should see being married to her BH as a privilege she needs to be worthy of. Same goes for him. That she didn't file for divorce and try and get him in trouble for what he did was a merciful act in its own right. As such, he's privileged to still be married to her, despite her having cheated. Withholding the truth from her BH makes her unworthy. Maybe if there were kids involved, etc., I might believe differently. Though in that case, OP should be prepared to consider her BH's need for a paternity test, even if there was no affair at the time of conception if he ever finds out about her most recent infidelity.


----------



## Sfort

EleGirl said:


> Now, I know others on this forum are going to jump all over me for posting this. Don't bother. I know you disagree. That's ok. We don't all have to agree all the time about everything. This is just my opinion in this one case.


Not intending to threadjack, but thanks for telling your story. Some of us tend to forget that our Super Mods are normal people! (Just kidding). You have an interesting perspective. It's one that I will have to think about.


----------



## Diana7

CrAzYdOgLaDy said:


> @prayingforamiracle make sure you have someone you can contact quickly if he does become violent. Let someone you trust know the time, day etc you are going to tell him, and if you haven't contacted them in say a couple or few hours, for them to phone you to make sure you haven't been harmed. The most dangerous times in a marriage is when infidelity happens and BS finds out or when leaving. You will need to make sure you are both safe. Your husbands world is about to fall apart and none of us on here know him or how he will react. He's strangled you once before. Crimes of passion happen every day, so please make a safety plan before telling him. Your husband is going to need lots of support for himself and hope he has someone he can confide in. Please come back here and let us know you are ok. What you have done is awful and devastating for your husband, but I wouldn't want anything bad happening to you. Do you have anyone you can trust, to help you with a safety plan? You say your parents live above you, can you confide in them? Anyone you know/trust who can support your husband? Get the safety plan in place and then tell him. That's the best advice I can give you.
> 
> When you walk through a storm
> Hold your head up high
> And don't be afraid of the dark
> 
> 
> YNWA


Her parents are there, they live in their house.


----------



## re16

Exploring options in who you are dating at 21 or 22 is normal behavior for that age.

The problem here is that you got married at that age.... likely to assuage religious beliefs or family.

This marriage is obviously seriously damaged and needs to be ended and you need to be able to move forward knowing that you told the truth.

You shouldn't make decisions to assuage anything... do things when you are ready. You need to recognize the mistakes that drove this scenario or you will be doomed to repeat them.


----------



## prayingforamiracle

ElOtro said:


> In NO alternative is right to accept violence from a spouse. No way, non, nein, nyet, nu, ne never, nil.
> 
> If that is an actual danger when you confess, then:
> 
> 
> Still do it in a safe enviroment, a public one or with some preventive other´s near.
> If you choosee to "take it to the grave" for such and only reason, ask for a non negotiable divorce and an inmediate separation while it happens.
> Do NOT "take it to the grave" and try to stay in the severely wounded relationship. It would be an abuse from your side.
> 
> Best (best) wishes.


I think I need to just divorce him myself and not say anything about cheating. I’m scared about all of this, but I don’t think there’s a better option. I think me cheating so many times on him is a sign that something isn’t working out for us. It hurts knowing I’m going to let this amazing person go, but I don’t know if this life is for me. I don’t think any of it was a mistake, it’s all been for a reason. Im scared of what comes next but I think this is the best choice. It’s hard coming to this conclusion… after all he’s the only boyfriend I’ve ever had… we grew up together. It’s going to be hard to let him go. But I think this is what I need to do. I have some growing up to do. I have a lot of life to experience. I just hate that it took so much for me to see that at last. I will have divorced a good man. I pray he can find peace with this choice. I pray I’m doing the right thing.


----------



## GusPolinski

prayingforamiracle said:


> I think I need to just divorce him myself and not say anything about cheating. I’m scared about all of this, but I don’t think there’s a better option. *I think me cheating so many times on him is a sign that something isn’t working out for us.* It hurts knowing I’m going to let this amazing person go, but I don’t know if this life is for me. I don’t think any of it was a mistake, it’s all been for a reason. Im scared of what comes next but I think this is the best choice. It’s hard coming to this conclusion… after all he’s the only boyfriend I’ve ever had… we grew up together. It’s going to be hard to let him go. But I think this is what I need to do. I have some growing up to do. I have a lot of life to experience. I just hate that it took so much for me to see that at last. I will have divorced a good man. I pray he can find peace with this choice. I pray I’m doing the right thing.


It’s a sign that you’re not at all suited to be in a committed, monogamous relationship.


----------



## Casual Observer

prayingforamiracle said:


> I think I need to just divorce him myself and not say anything about cheating. I’m scared about all of this, but I don’t think there’s a better option. I think me cheating so many times on him is a sign that something isn’t working out for us. It hurts knowing I’m going to let this amazing person go, but I don’t know if this life is for me. I don’t think any of it was a mistake, it’s all been for a reason. Im scared of what comes next but I think this is the best choice. It’s hard coming to this conclusion… after all he’s the only boyfriend I’ve ever had… we grew up together. It’s going to be hard to let him go. But I think this is what I need to do. I have some growing up to do. I have a lot of life to experience. I just hate that it took so much for me to see that at last. I will have divorced a good man. I pray he can find peace with this choice. I pray I’m doing the right thing.





> I think I need to just divorce him myself and not say anything about cheating.


Absolutely not!!! How ridiculously unfair to give him anything to let him believe the divorce was his fault. You want to leave him with emotional scars for the rest of his life (which of course he could have anyway, but being so young, hopefully he'll grow out of), thinking he's the one who's got an issue?

Confessing or not is not optional. He deserves the truth. It's OK for you to tell him you desire to divorce. It is not OK for you to withhold the truth.


----------



## prayingforamiracle

GusPolinski said:


> It’s a sign that you’re not at all suited to be in a committed, monogamous relationship.


You’re right. I have some growing up to do.


----------



## prayingforamiracle

Casual Observer said:


> Absolutely not!!! How ridiculously unfair to give him anything to let him believe the divorce was his fault. You want to leave him with emotional scars for the rest of his life (which of course he could have anyway, but being so young, hopefully he'll grow out of), thinking he's the one who's got an issue?
> 
> Confessing or not is not optional. He deserves the truth. It's OK for you to tell him you desire to divorce. It is not OK for you to withhold the truth.


But it’s not his fault. It’s mine 100%.

I should’ve seen that from the first time I cheated. It’s all me. I will not crush him harder with a betrayal. I feel this is the right thing.


----------



## gr8ful1

prayingforamiracle said:


> I will not crush him harder with a betrayal. I feel this is the right thing.


You’re still only thinking of yourself. You won’t even tell him he has Biblical grounds to divorce you. How PROFOUNDLY unfair of you. And right when it looked like you were going to do the right thing. 

The mods will prolly delete this too, but many Biblical interpretations would say it’s wrong for your husband to remarry after less-than-Biblical grounds to divorce. Again, so profoundly selfish of you.

At the VERY LEAST, after you are divorced, send him a letter admitting what you’ve done, so that he knows and his conscience is clean to remarry if he chooses.


----------



## prayingforamiracle

SRCSRC said:


> All you seem to do is cheat. You continue to put yourself in ridiculous situations and then ultimately cheat. You are very young, immature, and broken. You certainly should not be married to anyone. Maybe one day, but it will take tremendous work on your part to be a safe partner for someone. Tell your husband that you cheated again. Divorce him. The fact that he has been violent with you is terrible. You should probably have someone there to stop him from getting physical when you tell him what you have done. Your marriage is very short and is not worth saving. I doubt it can be saved given the fact you can't stop cheating and he is physically abusive.
> 
> You must divorce him and move on. He is physically abusive and you are a cheater. That is a terrible combination. Whether you will ever be a decent partner is up to you. You need intensive therapy with someone versed in infidelity to get to the bottom of your behavior.


I had a real mental check in today with myself and I think you’re 100% right. I think I need to just divorce him.

We’ve both done wrong in this relationship. I don’t think we were ready for any of this. I’m just sorry it took me so long to see that.


----------



## HappilyMarried1

prayingforamiracle said:


> *But I don’t want to divorce him… I want to love him. I want to serve him and give him happiness.*





prayingforamiracle said:


> *I think I need to just divorce him myself and not say anything about cheating.*


My goodness @prayingforamiracle doesn't that seem like a big switch to you reading those two statements, especially since they were made only two days apart. If I did not know better it almost comes across to me that you would rather just divorce your husband than to tell him the truth about the things you have done to him and your marriage. You talk about needing to maybe grow up does this seem like a grown responsible decisions just two days apart.


----------



## Casual Observer

prayingforamiracle said:


> But it’s not his fault. It’s mine 100%.
> 
> I should’ve seen that from the first time I cheated. It’s all me. I will not crush him harder with a betrayal. I feel this is the right thing.


How utterly selfish of you to think the only person who should be learning from this experience is yourself. He needs to understand what to look for, how to properly vet his next partner, what questions to ask. You owe him at least that. You also owe yourself an incredibly painful experience... watching him suffer through what you tell him. Because if that experience is painful enough for you... then maybe you will remember what it was like and change your ways in the future.

You need to tell him. Everything. Because you, YOU, have no idea what is enough, what is not. That's for him to decide, not you. You need to release your control.


----------



## BigDaddyNY

HappilyMarried1 said:


> My goods @prayingforamiracle doesn't that seem like a big switch to you reading those two statements, especially since they were made only two days apart. If I did not know better it almost comes across to me that you would rather just divorce your husband than to tell him the truth about the things you have done to him and your marriage. You talk about needing to maybe grow up does this seem like a grown responsible decisions just two days apart.


Exactly, she would rather run from the truth instead of facing it. My opinion is that is the coward's way out.


----------



## BigDaddyNY

Casual Observer said:


> How utterly selfish of you to think the only person who should be learning from this experience is yourself. He needs to understand what to look for, how to properly vet his next partner, what questions to ask. You owe him at least that. You also owe yourself an incredibly painful experience... watching him suffer through what you tell him. Because if that experience is painful enough for you... then maybe you will remember what it was like and change your ways in the future.
> 
> You need to tell him. Everything. Because you, YOU, have no idea what is enough, what is not. That's for him to decide, not you. You need to release your control.


Instead of knowing the truth he will be always WTF happened. 

@prayingforamiracle Do you really want to compound one lie with more? What story are you going to tell your husband? What will be your reason for divorcing him? Don't do this to him or to you. You are just continuing the same cheating, lying behavior.


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## Diana7

prayingforamiracle said:


> But it’s not his fault. It’s mine 100%.
> 
> I should’ve seen that from the first time I cheated. It’s all me. I will not crush him harder with a betrayal. I feel this is the right thing.


It would be very cruel of you to divorce him without telling him why. He would be left with questions and desperation not knowing what he had done to deserve it.

Sorry, you have to tell him. There is no way you can avoid it.


----------



## Casual Observer

Diana7 said:


> It would be very cruel of you to divorce him without telling him why. He would be left with questions and desperation not knowing what he had done to deserve it.
> 
> Sorry, you have to tell him. There is no way you can avoid it.


It is part of growth for both of them. You have to face the music. Each must face the consequences of their actions; in the case of the betrayed spouse, unfortunately, he didn't vet as well as he should have. He didn't ask the questions he should have, he wasn't as observant as he should have been, and, very sadly, he learned that trust has to be earned and his spouse didn't earn it back those earlier times she strayed.

It's not fair to the betrayed spouse, no question. But it's really a case of which version of "not fair" has the best potential for him to grow and have a better future.

I hope that spouses on the edge of betraying their partner read threads like these and understand the magnitude of what they're thinking of doing. At least, in this case, there are no kids involved. Well, actually, there are. The husband and wife in this story are both in need of learning so they can move on to adulthood. But you don't have to learn this way!!!


----------



## Offkilter123

prayingforamiracle said:


> But it’s not his fault. It’s mine 100%.
> 
> I should’ve seen that from the first time I cheated. It’s all me. I will not crush him harder with a betrayal. I feel this is the right thing.


You said you husband was raised church of Christ. I don’t know if you were raised in the church as well, but I was and unless you grew up in the c of C, it is hard to understand the mindset. The church actually checks several of the boxes for what makes a church a cult. There are a lot of good people in the church, but it can f your mind up. It did mine. 
You must grant him the grace to know that you committed adultery, freeing him to remarry. He has forgiven the other times you committed adultery so please show him this mercy.


----------



## ThreeHundo

prayingforamiracle said:


> I had a real mental check in today with myself and I think you’re 100% right. I think I need to just divorce him.
> 
> We’ve both done wrong in this relationship. I don’t think we were ready for any of this. I’m just sorry it took me so long to see that.


Shouldn't that be up to him? You have claimed to love him many times and now you're just gonna bail? Wow. You made the right decision to tell him the truth and then you let someone else convince you another option is better. Kinda weird that that's how likely how all of your cheating has happened. You know it's wrong, but you let someone convince you it will be ok and then you cheat and regret the ****ty decision. Grow up and tell him the truth. Once you make that decision to tell him, get off this site and go tell him like you know you should. Do it. He deserves the truth. He DESERVES the truth. HE DESERES THE TRUTH.


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## Galabar01

You are going to hurt him more by divorcing him without giving him the actual reason. You are a coward.


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## Openminded

You’re just trying to dodge the fallout that you know is coming. He’s entitled to the truth. Who knows — he might even want to stay with you. Tell him.


----------



## Dictum Veritas

prayingforamiracle said:


> I think I need to just divorce him myself and not say anything about cheating. I’m scared about all of this, but I don’t think there’s a better option. I think me cheating so many times on him is a sign that something isn’t working out for us. It hurts knowing I’m going to let this amazing person go, but I don’t know if this life is for me. I don’t think any of it was a mistake, it’s all been for a reason. Im scared of what comes next but I think this is the best choice. It’s hard coming to this conclusion… after all he’s the only boyfriend I’ve ever had… we grew up together. It’s going to be hard to let him go. But I think this is what I need to do. I have some growing up to do. I have a lot of life to experience. I just hate that it took so much for me to see that at last. I will have divorced a good man. I pray he can find peace with this choice. I pray I’m doing the right thing.


That's right little lady, take the coward's way out and walk on the path of the coward for life. Not only will you leave a man wondering why he wasn't good enough for you where he should be informed that it is you who is not good enough for him, but you will be walking on a path of lies and deceit from that moment forward for the rest of your life.

In the mean time, your husband would mourn the death of a marriage and feeling less than a man where he could mourn the (spiritual) death of a person that never was (you, his wife) and move on to someone more faithful and deserving of his love.

If you don't tell him, you will be placing the future of two people on paths based on deceit and lies. But hey, you've been doing what feels good to you so far... No reason to change now, right?


----------



## Harold Demure

Seriously, I think you just love the drama and the spotlight. Drama, drama, drama!


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## Divinely Favored

prayingforamiracle said:


> Young, yes. Immature, perhaps. Not ready for a committed relationship? Who’s to say?
> 
> I need to work on my self control and since this incident, I absolutely have. I don’t want to be that woman anymore. I will not falter again. He’s not my fall back stable guy, he’s my husband. He’s the man I grew up with. He knows me better than anyone else. Is he a fool? Really? As far as I’m concerned, he is more like Jesus than anyone I’ve ever met. I surely don’t deserve him, but yet, he loves me. I don’t see him as a fool.


If you are not being upfront and truthful with him you are playing him for the fool!


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## Divinely Favored

prayingforamiracle said:


> What must I do to prove that I am capable? I don’t want to end my marriage… it’s only been a year. I don’t want to throw away the only thing in life that’s ever mattered to me. I don’t want to throw away the person I promised to love and cherish forever. I will do whatever it takes to make it right. I will do whatever it takes to make him happy.


The that is to tell him, ask forgiveness and do the hard work of repenting and making it right. God said if there anything between you to leave your offering at tge alter and go make it right and then come and present your offering to him. Basically if you have not confessed to your hubby and sought his forgiveness, God is saying talk to the ✋. Go confess and repent and then we will talk.

My sister cheated on her hubby. She used to be a Sunday School teacher to children. The thing that i remember most was her being upset and saying "I can't feel God any more"

"Ya THINK!?" If you have not confessed to hubby then the adultry will always be between you and him and God will be saying talk to the ✋. Without seeking forgiveness from hubby the sin will always be there, unforgiven. Your relationship with him and God will not be what it could be.


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## Evinrude58

She’s not fessing up. And she’s not staying married because she knows deep down she’d like to shag the next guy she meets and gives her attention and not have to worry about old hubby at home.


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## Gabriel

prayingforamiracle said:


> But it’s not his fault. It’s mine 100%.
> 
> I should’ve seen that from the first time I cheated. It’s all me. I will not crush him harder with a betrayal. I feel this is the right thing.


I mean if you divorce him, he'll be hurt. You aren't going to be saving him from pain without an explanation.


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## jparistotle

You are not very mature. You want to run and hide and not tell him why. This will eat at him for a very very long time. Seems you like punishing him in many different ways for loving you. If you choose to divorce him tell him you do not deserve him and you cannot continue to lie to him. Tell him you cheated on him 3 times. 2 that he knows of. YOU OWE HIM THAT IF YOU LOVE HIM. You seem to only love yourself. 

Divorce him and do not tell him why. What if he did that to you. Sorry to say but he is better off without you in his life. you are really messed up in your thinking.


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## Divinely Favored

prayingforamiracle said:


> I thank you for your kindness in advising me here. It makes me feel like I finally have a parent looking out for me. It means more than you may realize.
> 
> I know you’re right… that maybe this is the end of the rope for he and I… I’m just so scared of what that life looks like. I’m scared of losing his family that took me in, cared for me, and called me one of their own. What would they say? Or my family for that matter, they’d never let me hear the end of it. “I told you so” rings loud in my ears from my parents even now. I’m scared of losing my life partner, the only person who’s ever truly loved me in this world. I grew up with him, he’s the only love I’ve ever known. To lose that.. I feel a piece of me would die. I can’t imagine seeing our things divided, a room emptied, drawers barren. Never feeling him next to me asleep anymore. Never giving him a kiss good morning anymore. What have I done…


IUnfortunately it did not scare you enough to NOT cheat on him.


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## Divinely Favored

GG1061 said:


> The biblical teaching is that adultery is the only reason for allowing divorce. Straight from the mouth of the Lord. So when it comes to the marital relationship there is a hierarchy of offenses in the eyes of God.


Sexually immorallity......Bible does not limit it to adultry. It could be saying you are virgin and spouse finds out you were not. There are several things that could fall into that category of sexual immorality.


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## Divinely Favored

hinterdir said:


> Lesbian relationship. Almost marrying a woman.
> Doing theater....often nude scenes, kissing of male actors for "work".
> Rampant hanging with other men, texting, flirting, sexting other men.
> Sexual affairs multiple times on your husband.
> Telling other people to PHUCK off.
> 
> "I am a devote Christian"
> 
> Wow. You may want to work on that some.
> Christians like you is one of the main things that drives off the unbelieving world from Christ. They look at the way his people act and think....if that is what being a Christian looks like I want no part of that.


When my son went to college the 1st thing i told him and with emphasis is stay away from the Drama Dept. that group is a seriously F'ed up, partner swapping, suicidal, self harm group.


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## Divinely Favored

prayingforamiracle said:


> I think I need to just divorce him myself and not say anything about cheating. I’m scared about all of this, but I don’t think there’s a better option. I think me cheating so many times on him is a sign that something isn’t working out for us. It hurts knowing I’m going to let this amazing person go, but I don’t know if this life is for me. I don’t think any of it was a mistake, it’s all been for a reason. Im scared of what comes next but I think this is the best choice. It’s hard coming to this conclusion… after all he’s the only boyfriend I’ve ever had… we grew up together. It’s going to be hard to let him go. But I think this is what I need to do. I have some growing up to do. I have a lot of life to experience. I just hate that it took so much for me to see that at last. I will have divorced a good man. I pray he can find peace with this choice. I pray I’m doing the right thing.


That is not right. He will be tormented thinking it was something he did wrong. It is all my fault...why was i not good enough? You need to tell him the truth....it is the only right thing to do. There can be no forgiveness from him unless there is confession.


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## ArthurGPym

prayingforamiracle said:


> You don’t know my person nor who I am… you give blind guidance from only what is given. Why should I take anyone’s advice here? I don’t think any of you care about me- how could you? You know nothing about me at all. Nor my husband for that matter. Neither of us. I struggle to take any advice now that I’ve reflected on that.. you won’t be losing your marriage, my husband and I will. You won’t be feeling the downward spiral of depression and mental anguish that he will feel, he will. You see it from your phone or computer screen and a scroll on. It’s just such a strange thing… this entire website.


Typical millennial snowflake deflection. It must be incredibly empowering to be a young woman who grew up in a media-dominated society where every day you are told that because you were born with a vagina that you are automatically entitled to do what ever you want and steamroll whoever you want in order to get what you want as long as it is what you want.


----------



## Killi

After 17 pages no real progress other than self-justification and blaming members. Looks like the OP wanted reinforcement to and lie and hide but dragged it on when she couldn't get it hoping someone will reinforce her and now looks like she has left


----------



## Gabriel

IDK, she actually landed on divorcing him but not admitting to this round of cheating. She learned that she isn't ready for marriage. So I disagree just didn't learn anything and just came on here for justification.

We all want her to get her comeuppance by telling him - and yes, he deserves to know, but if she wants to just leave the marriage, that's her decision. It's better than her staying married to him and burying the cheating. With him not in her life anymore she will eventually calm down and learn from this experience.

I feel bad for the guy - he just didn't pick the right partner....or picked her way too soon.


----------



## Casual Observer

Gabriel said:


> We all want her to get her comeuppance by telling him - and yes, he deserves to know, but if she wants to just leave the marriage, that's her decision. It's better than her staying married to him and burying the cheating. With him not in her life anymore she will eventually calm down and learn from this experience.


I disagree. We’re not all
Wanting her to get what’s coming. In many cases sure, we think the cheater has to face the music so they can move on and become a better person. But in this case, I’m losing just about all sympathy for her and focusing 100% on the needs of her husband. The fact that requires she divulge all and suffer humiliation is incidental to her but needed by her husband.

That she does not have a choice other than to tell her husband is not about her.


----------



## Asterix

Gabriel said:


> We all want her to get her comeuppance by telling him - and yes, he deserves to know, but if she wants to just leave the marriage, that's her decision.


I'd respectfully disagree. I think it's less about wishing her to get her comeuppance and more about doing the right thing and being a good human being. It is a lifelong journey to improve ourselves and some of us has more work to do than others. 

Also by telling him, she's eliminating a future possibility of him finding out about the affair. So, there won't be multiple D-Days so to speak.


----------



## rugswept

8 days ago she showed, last was 5 days ago. Conclusion: gone.
We may eventually get the "update".

She was going to end game divorce, and I believe, NON disclosure. I think her concern was the massive shame she would endure in the extended family. She just wasn't what the image seemed to indicate. Her parents were concerned about her marrying. I don't know if some of what she does was part of the reason.

I think he's fortunately getting the D, but unfortunately NO closure on the truth.
So young, I hope he gets it on in better ways after this big mess.


----------



## gr8ful1

rugswept said:


> I think he's fortunately getting the D, but unfortunately NO closure on the truth.


People just suck. This shouldn’t be surprising to any Christian, that OP claims to be: Rom 3:12, “…there is no one who does good, not even one.”


----------



## TDSC60

Blindsiding your husband with divorce will not be in anyway for his benefit. It will be extremely harmful to his self image.

Divorce him but tell him the reason behind it. That you have had an another affair since being married and cannot bring yourself to be faithful to him. That you have come to realize that you married too young and no longer want to be married.


----------



## Evinrude58

They both live at home with her parents. She and her mom are drama queens. Any marrrisge that starts off in the parental home of the wife......... probably doomed. Add up all the qualities of mother and daughter and one gets the dice roll. Snake eyes.


----------



## manowar

ArthurGPym said:


> It must be incredibly empowering to be a young woman who grew up in a media-dominated society where every day you are told that* because you were born with a vagina that you are automatically entitled to do what ever you want* and steamroll whoever you want in order to get what you want as long as it is what you want.


this is the direct approach but there's a lot of truth in this statement. its not only young women. this has been going on for a long time. there's a name for it. It's called MPS -- magic puzzy syndrome. Free this and that, free entry into clubs, free drinks, ladies night, fun in my 20s - traditional guy to marry in my 30s; man is supposed to........... Guys if you detect this in your girl -- shut it down right away.

Who can blame them? I certainly don't. It's the men who have permitted and encouraged this for decades. Men who enacted this policy long before we were born. We simply inherited it.

In this lady's case, she's in her prime at 21 and loves her superpowers as Tom Lakas would say. The husband won't hit his prime for some time. He's a boy in comparison. It ain't 1921 anymore. This is what old-world thinking will get a nice boy with good intentions. This was over from day one. She probably liked the idea of having a wedding and attention on her special day. Too bad this young man didn't have an uncle like me to set him straight. I suspect a strong evangelical influence here.


----------



## SRCSRC

prayingforamiracle said:


> I think I need to just divorce him myself and not say anything about cheating. I’m scared about all of this, but I don’t think there’s a better option. I think me cheating so many times on him is a sign that something isn’t working out for us. It hurts knowing I’m going to let this amazing person go, but I don’t know if this life is for me. I don’t think any of it was a mistake, it’s all been for a reason. Im scared of what comes next but I think this is the best choice. It’s hard coming to this conclusion… after all he’s the only boyfriend I’ve ever had… we grew up together. It’s going to be hard to let him go. But I think this is what I need to do. I have some growing up to do. I have a lot of life to experience. I just hate that it took so much for me to see that at last. I will have divorced a good man. I pray he can find peace with this choice. I pray I’m doing the right thing.


You have half of it right. You must divorce him. You must also come clean about your cheating. He has to know why you are ending the marriage. It is almost as cruel not to tell him the reason as to cheat on him. You don't want to tell him because you don't want him to think less of you. He needs to know in order to move on and not wonder what went wrong. TELL HIM! You owe him the complete truth. Try that for a change.


----------



## Sfort

I'm thinking we've lost @prayingforamiracle. It's been six days since she was here. I hate it when that happens.


----------



## Gabriel

Sfort said:


> I'm thinking we've lost @prayingforamiracle. It's been six days since she was here. I hate it when that happens.


Well she made her decision - not sure what else she would get out of this thread now, other than to be told she wasn't doing the right thing.

Which she doesn't want to hear.


----------



## Diana7

I suspect she will carry on lying and deceiving.


----------



## BigDaddyNY

Diana7 said:


> I suspect she will carry on lying and deceiving.


I'm betting that not only didn't she tell him about the cheating, she also didn't follow through with going for divorce.


----------



## ccpowerslave

BigDaddyNY said:


> I'm betting that not only didn't she tell him about the cheating, she also didn't follow through with going for divorce.


Might even be back in the theater! I’m glad young people are pursuing the theatrical arts.


----------



## snerg

Gabriel said:


> IDK, she actually landed on divorcing him but not admitting to this round of cheating. She learned that she isn't ready for marriage. So I disagree just didn't learn anything and just came on here for justification.
> 
> We all want her to get her comeuppance by telling him - and yes, he deserves to know, *but if she wants to just leave the marriage, that's her decision. It's better than her staying married to him and burying the cheating*. With him not in her life anymore she will eventually calm down and learn from this experience.
> 
> I feel bad for the guy - he just didn't pick the right partner....or picked her way too soon.


If I might add as a food for thought.
She cheated.
I'm quite sure the thought of STD/STI never crossed her mind as she simply does not care.

It's her decision to leave and not tell him.
It's her decision to potentially leave him with a bomb that could kill him.

I hope she at least recommend that he get tested.


----------



## Tdbo

ABHale said:


> Girls just want to have fun.


Thus, this train wreck.


----------



## Talker67

TDSC60 said:


> Blindsiding your husband with divorce will not be in anyway for his benefit. It will be extremely harmful to his self image.
> 
> Divorce him but tell him the reason behind it. That you have had an another affair since being married and cannot bring yourself to be faithful to him. That you have come to realize that you married too young and no longer want to be married.


instead of divorcing him, how about not cheating again, and taking the knowledge of this affair to your grave? 

the divorce will devastate him. as will finding out you screwed another man. how about learning from that mistake, and improving yourself?


----------



## GusPolinski

Talker67 said:


> instead of divorcing him, how about not cheating again, and taking the knowledge of this affair to your grave?
> 
> the divorce will devastate him. as will finding out you screwed another man. how about learning from that mistake, and improving yourself?


She’s cheated what… 3 times already?

This is who she is.


----------



## Diana7

GusPolinski said:


> She’s cheated what… 3 times already?
> 
> This is who she is.


This is the third time I think.


----------



## Asterix

Diana7 said:


> This is the third time I think.


So, I wonder if this means that she was okay with her cheating the first two times. And if that's the case, then what's so special about this time that's making her feel regret? Is there a possibility of exposure?


----------



## Killi

Talker67 said:


> instead of divorcing him, how about not cheating again, and taking the knowledge of this affair to your grave?
> 
> the divorce will devastate him. as will finding out you screwed another man. how about learning from that mistake, and improving yourself?


Which is what she wants hear and what she wants to do. It is manipulation and deception by omission


----------



## Talker67

Killi said:


> Which is what she wants hear and what she wants to do. It is manipulation and deception by omission


i see i missed that she cheated with THREE men.
that is probably non recoverable at this point.
for some reason i confused this with one of the ONS threads


----------



## Diana7

Asterix said:


> So, I wonder if this means that she was okay with her cheating the first two times. And if that's the case, then what's so special about this time that's making her feel regret? Is there a possibility of exposure?


I suspect she feels that this time will be once too many for him.


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## TexasMom1216

You’re not ready for marriage. Divorce and grow up. Figure out who you are and what you want in life, then find someone on a similar path when you’re ready. You married too young, I know there’s a lot of pressure for women to marry before their “expiration date,” but marriage is for adults and you aren’t there yet.


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## lovemimi

My 2 cents. I wish my wife was like her at least she is honest. My wife is cheating on me and not telling me. Finally, she asked me for divorce but still zip.


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## GarlicIV

I just want to point out that youve gone out of your way to cheat on your husband so many ****ing times that why not just get divorced? THIS RELATIONSHIP IS NOT WORKING. Also, you literally got drunk before going to your affair partners house, and used that as an excuse for caving??

Your husband shoulda been done with you a long time ago


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## Dictum Veritas

EssexUKMale said:


> You are just trash. Worst then that. You are the single worst thing in his life.


I do agree with the second part. Then again, My child would have been 21 today. Killed by an abortion I could not stop. Only later to find out ex did it because she didn't even know if baby would have been the same race as me. I'm not too objective to cheaters today, save to say there is a huge amount of rage, even 21 years later.

For all I know, she could have killed my (now 21yo) child.


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## bewilderness

adaptivesoda said:


> I don't feel sorry for you at all. You betrayed the man you married, twice. Shallow doesn't even begin to describe your personality. The only advice you get from me is to divorce the man and let him go so he can find a REAL woman - one who is faithful and has some integrity. You seriously lack in everything that is good and healthy to a marriage.


Where is the integrity in choking her? Please. 

Any moral high ground he had was lost when he put his hands on her.

They are both at fault here for violating the boundaries of their vows. Only one of them could go to jail for his actions


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## bewilderness

EssexUKMale said:


> You are just trash. Worst then that. You are the single worst thing in his life.


And what is he — for attempting to strangle her?


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## bewilderness

I hope you divorce him — for his sake and yours.

I hope you keep the third betrayal to yourself. He doesn’t need more trauma to understand that this is a failed marriage.

I hope you find a good therapist to help you grow as a person.

I hope you learn how to take real responsibility for your actions while not minimizing the reprehensible, violent actions of others. Two truths can exist at the same time: you were wrong to cheat. He was wrong to react with violence.

Spend more time thinking about how you can be a better person - in general. Less time focused on getting your thrills from other people.


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## Dictum Veritas

bewilderness said:


> Where is the integrity in choking her? Please.
> 
> Any moral high ground he had was lost when he put his hands on her.
> 
> They are both at fault here for violating the boundaries of their vows. Only one of them could go to jail for his actions


False equivalency. You don't know your heart when it blows up... I'd rather get choked and punched!


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## Dictum Veritas

bewilderness said:


> I hope you divorce him — for his sake and yours.
> 
> I hope you keep the third betrayal to yourself. He doesn’t need more trauma to understand that this is a failed marriage.
> 
> I hope you find a good therapist to help you grow as a person.
> 
> I hope you learn how to take real responsibility for your actions while not minimizing the reprehensible, violent actions of others. Two truths can exist at the same time: you were wrong to cheat. He was wrong to react with violence.
> 
> Spend more time thinking about how you can be a better person - in general. Less time focused on getting your thrills from other people.


He needs to know the truth. You can't float above the storms you don't know about.


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## EssexUKMale

Dictum Veritas said:


> I do agree with the second part. Then again, My child would have been 21 today. Killed by an abortion I could not stop. Only later to find out ex did it because she didn't even know if baby would have been the same race as me. I'm not too objective to cheaters today, save to say there is a huge amount of rage, even 21 years later.
> 
> For all I know, she could have killed my (now 21yo) child.


Damb that’s harsh. So sorry to hear that


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## Dictum Veritas

EssexUKMale said:


> Damb that’s harsh. So sorry to hear that


I'm simply going to thank you.


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## A18S37K14H18

prayingforamiracle said:


> I want to do what’s right. I don’t want to give up on my marriage so easily.


You want to do what is right.

For who?

Yourself or your husband.

Just because you have no morals and intentionally chose to cheat, you're going to ask him to throw his moral compass away and take you back.

How can you do that?

He's honored/honoring his vows to you. You threw them away and now he'll have to overlook that and throw away his moral compass and give a cheater another chance, just because you want to stay married to him.

What if he doesn't want to remain married to a cheater?

What if he doesn't want to live the rest of his life with a so called wife he'll never be able to trust again?

Will you do what he wants and let him go without fighting him tooth and nail?

WHY is that you NOW care about your marriage? WHY didn't you care about that before spreading your legs for another man?


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## Dictum Veritas

prayingforamiracle said:


> I had a real mental check in today with myself and I think you’re 100% right. I think I need to just divorce him.
> 
> We’ve both done wrong in this relationship. I don’t think we were ready for any of this. I’m just sorry it took me so long to see that.


Trash logic emits from trash thinking contained in trash. Have fun, your husband made the biggest mistake in his life ever even giving you the time of day.


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## Gabriel

This thread should be closed. @MattMatt ?


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## MattMatt

Zombie Cat has taken a look. It is Zombie Cat's recommendation that, because the OP hasn't returned to TAM in the last three months, that this thread is closed. The cat on the left is his brother.

Incidentally, Zombie Cat has asked me to remind his fans that he is not a Zombie cat, but a cat who polices Zombie threads.


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