# LD's: What happened when you did provide?



## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

We see a lot of posts in this forum about "If only my partner would have sex more often"... or "if only I could get more oral sex"...or "if we could be creative in the bedroom I'd be happy". A lot of these complaints come from the HD in the relationship of course.

I'm curious if there are any LD's on here who did listen to what their partner was asking for AND did provide it, or at least increase the frequency it was provided. If so, did it improve things? Did anything change in the relationship good or bad?

I think it'd be interested to see a thread where instead of someone saying what they want we can read what happens in relationships after whatever it is is provided. Did it make things better? Did the HD just find something else to complain about? Did the LD build resentment? 

Please explain the situation, before and after.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I've got a rather long story I don't wish to recite, but I was the LD for a very long time and when I started to have sex and want sex much more frequently it did NOT solve the other issues in the marriage, nor did it make my husband more loving or more attentive or less closed off, or less emotionally retarded.

Long story short, I had hoped frequent and steamy sex would open the doors to emotional connection and a better relationship and it hasn't. I've changed but he hasn't.


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## techmom (Oct 22, 2012)

We started our marriage with a good sex life, until he started comparing it to what he had before with previous girlfriends. I married as a virgin so I had nothing to compare it to. I tried what he wanted but it didn't arouse me, he expected me to like it as the others did. That caused him to resent me, and I started to dislike sex with him as a result. 

Now he complains that we don't have sex as often as he wants, but he forgets how this all started... If I found someone who was not so judgemental maybe I would have a fulfilling sex life.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

techmom said:


> We started our marriage with a good sex life, until he started comparing it to what he had before with previous girlfriends. I married as a virgin so I had nothing to compare it to. I tried what he wanted but it didn't arouse me, he expected me to like it as the others did. That caused him to resent me, and I started to dislike sex with him as a result.
> 
> Now he complains that we don't have sex as often as he wants, but he forgets how this all started... If I found someone who was not so judgemental maybe I would have a fulfilling sex life.



Yup, one of the best ways to ensure that your wife doesn't want sex with you is to compare her to your exes. Permanent damage done.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Anon Pink and Techmom nailed it, the way I see it is that LD realization is not the Check Engine light of the marriage but more the Low Engine Oil light of the marriage, meaning by the time it is on, it may be too late unless serious rebuilding is done.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Yep, because it started out fine for us(I think anyway). When it got to the point of little to no sex, I had so much resentment built, I was depressed, I was judgmental, I was disgusted, I felt little hope. I felt trapped. I felt like we couldn't talk. I felt like we had missed so many chances to talk about the little things and fix them, if I brought those things up, I would get crucified for worrying about things or complaining. 

I would have had to start over, looking for the attraction I'd lost.


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

I will say that my wife and I increased frequency close to what I wanted.

It didn't improve anything else in our marriage as far as my attitude.... I knew her heart wasn't in it... No fun there...

Hind sight , it seems like it made things worse.I could feel her resentments as well as mine.. She was a SAHM and more sex we had, the less work she did around the house and the more she expected me to do. For example... If she made dinner on any given night I knew we would not have sex that night...I dont ever rememder a time when she made dinner and had sex on the same night... Even if i cleaned up after....the more work she did around the house, the less sex we had.

So now...now that we have no sex, she has been cooking dinner, doing dishes, laundry, cleaning toilets at 9:30 at night... For the first time in many years, she is actually doing the work of a SAHM... She works with the school district and she was off over the summer. Even now, she just started back to work... She still cleans....

I feel she would rather clean the toilet than have sex.


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## luvinhim (Jun 25, 2014)

hi thanks so much for asking this question..i am going to post something in the mens section later regarding my situation.

i am the ld partner. my husband has always had a larger than life sex drive when he was younger i swear he was always ready. i was a good little church girl and had a ton of hang ups
needless to say i denied him our youthful healthy sex life.

i have increased the frequency but he now has ed which is partly my fault (i guess) he tell me it is anyway. he resents me and he is often angry. he says he is tired of chasing me and my many denials have left him low in the confidence department

i cannot say that my frequency has help the marriage we have soooooo many problems that have resulted it is hard to sort them all out. i cried today because i feel divorce looming over our shoulders and i scared.

i am resent myself because i feel like i am trying and i get no credit. only being told im not normal because my desire is lower than his. im sad, sad, sad.


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## JWTBL (May 28, 2014)

Just forcing yourself to have more sex with your partner is not going to solve anything. If someone is LD, they're LD for a reason - low hormones, depression, childhood sexual abuse, lack of attraction, etc. Unless the underlying cause is discovered and dealt with, true intimacy cannot be had. That's my experience anyway.


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

luvinhim said:


> hi thanks so much for asking this question..i am going to post something in the mens section later regarding my situation.
> 
> i am the ld partner. my husband has always had a larger than life sex drive when he was younger i swear he was always ready. i was a good little church girl and had a ton of hang ups
> needless to say i denied him our youthful healthy sex life.
> ...


I believe my wife may feel the same way as you do. We went for so long with virtually no sex that my drive died. It did wake up as we started to have more sex. The more we had, the more it seemed I wanted. Maybe I wanted to make up for lost time. Maybe it was out of anger for going 17 years with virtually no sex....dunno...

Now my libido died again...don't use it, you lose it... That's how it seems it is for me...

luvihim- do you feel that the your issues are related to sex? Without sex, everything negative, no matter ho small, is amplified?


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

JWTBL said:


> Just forcing yourself to have more sex with your partner is not going to solve anything. If someone is LD, they're LD for a reason - low hormones, depression, childhood sexual abuse, lack of attraction, etc. Unless the underlying cause is discovered and dealt with, true intimacy cannot be had. That's my experience anyway.


That's not true. Being LD can be a perfectly natural state and not something to be fixed.

I'm fairly low drive. Left to myself I'd probably feel like having sex once or twice a month, around ovulation. But I know sex is what keeps my husband and I close and is a very important part of loving him, so my head overrules my body. 

It helps of course that I'm very attracted to my husband and he's awesome in bed. So I know, intellectually that I'll enjoy myself and I love being physically close to him. 

He doesn't have to ask or complain or do anything to get me to have sex 4-5 times a week. Because I know it's necessary for a happy marriage and pleasing him is very important to me. Plus I always feel very close and connected to him after good sex, without it I start to feel disconnected and sad. 

So it's not always the drive itself that sets the frequency. I make the decision with my mind, not my body a lot of the time.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Lyris said:


> That's not true. Being LD can be a perfectly natural state and not something to be fixed.
> 
> I'm fairly low drive. Left to myself I'd probably feel like having sex once or twice a month, around ovulation. But I know sex is what keeps my husband and I close and is a very important part of loving him, so my head overrules my body.
> 
> ...



You know, I've seen you write this before and I always want to ask you if you may have adopted this extremely healthy attitude about sex because you're not American?

You recognize your own sex drive and you recognize that other times sex is a responsive feeling exclusively and because your marriage doesn't seem to have any struggles about sex, no resentments built up, no refusals to talk about it, no one feels "less than" because their drive is different, the compromises over sex are given the same kind of importance as the compromises over who does the dishes. No one feels like they've personally given away who they are because they've given in or accepted a compromise.

And I think it's because you're not American, raised in this culturally screwed up quasi Victorian/Puritan influence where human sexuality is never ever discussed?

Lyris, how did you come to have this very healthy attitude about sex and compromise because most LD feel pressured/that there is something wrong with them?


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## BostonBruins32 (Nov 2, 2013)

this could be a deep topic..many different angles.

One thing I find interesting is the message it sends when a LD wife (assuming for the most part with a content marriage) is willing to increase frequency for thier spouse. This message is selflessness and the willingness to do something you dont love with someone you do love, because it makes them happy.

my MC put it nicely a while back, when my wife said "its just not my thing". The MC said, "what if your husband said, ehh I dont feel like changing diapers anymore. not my thing". Its not a perfect comparison, but it was interesing.


like the original poster, i'd be curious as to whether or not any LD spouses saw the light. And changed to help feed thier marriage.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

A few months ago, I got seriously tired of asking for it all the time. We had a talk. She said once a month was the frequency that she wanted. I said o k you want to go sexless, there will be some tradeoffs. Since you are not interested in my body, I get to keep my hair growth how I want it. I immediately did what I knew would annoy her and shaved my manscape. She didn't notice for 2 weeks. I contemplated divorce for 2 weeks. We talked again. She said something important. We may not have sex but we still need intimacy. Well she was right. She started showering with me more often. I started laying around naked. Touching and kissing picked up. Once a week became our schedule. Weekends work for us weekdays are tricky due to incompatible work schedules. Then due to menstruation we went 2 weeks. skipped 2 weekends. I told her I wanted to try for a mid weeker. She said Thursday was my best chance. She picked up an extra half shift Friday morning so I asked if she wanted to change our appointment she said no. I thanked her. The she said something that blew me out of the water. She said she was hanging on to Thursday because she "needed" it. That was as good as initiating to me. Of course she was not recharged for the weekend. 
What I am seeing here is that mismatched libidos are causing a retreat from intimacy by one or both partners. The lack of intimacy is causing a rift, on top of resentment. The combination is hard to repair. I think I'm lucky my LD wife realized that intimacy can be had without the sex she is less than excited about. If nothing else she has staved off my resentment. I'm pretty happy about that.
MN


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good afternoon all
I was the HD partner in a HD/LD marriage. When my wife decided to put in an effort and our sex life improved, the entire marriage improved - for both of us. She realized that we had just fallen into a trap of frustration and resentment and that she wasn't nearly as LD as she had thought.

So for us it took a marriage on the verge of divorce and made it wonderful. I think that for us the LD/HD problem was the root of all of our problems, not a symptom of something else.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

My LD ex turned me down for many years - textbook asexual marriage. It took telling her that I was finally done and wanted a divorce to get her to even try. Well, that lasted a week, I think. I continued with my plans to leave.

I think she was naturally LD, but that was masked during the time we were dating by new relationship hormones. Once we were married, she no longer felt she needed to do anything to maintain the marriage, so didn't.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Married but Happy said:


> My LD ex turned me down for many years - textbook asexual marriage. It took telling her that I was finally done and wanted a divorce to get her to even try. Well, that lasted a week, I think. I continued with my plans to leave.
> 
> I think she was naturally LD, but that was masked during the time we were dating by new relationship hormones. Once we were married, she no longer felt she needed to do anything to maintain the marriage, so didn't.


Some people just aren't sexual. Sorry to hear of your misfortune. Everyone on TAM has a story. I'm glad you're no longer saddled to a sexless situation.


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> You know, I've seen you write this before and I always want to ask you if you may have adopted this extremely healthy attitude about sex because you're not American?
> 
> You recognize your own sex drive and you recognize that other times sex is a responsive feeling exclusively and because your marriage doesn't seem to have any struggles about sex, no resentments built up, no refusals to talk about it, no one feels "less than" because their drive is different, the compromises over sex are given the same kind of importance as the compromises over who does the dishes. No one feels like they've personally given away who they are because they've given in or accepted a compromise.
> 
> ...


That's really interesting Anon. I haven't thought about it that way. 

Well, I come from a secular country that doesn't really have all the religious baggage around sex that a lot of you Americans seem to have. I've never been abused. My parents had and have a happy marriage with lots of physical displays of affection. There was no expectation that I "wait for marriage". My mother included the "sex is also fun" part when she was talking to me about sex and pregnancy.

And yes, I suppose I don't see it as any different from anything else I do for my husband. I mean, it's different in that it's better and makes more difference to our overall closeness, but I don't see that it's any different in essence. Plus, him being happy is the thing that makes the most difference to the general happiness of our household. That's a relationship dynamic of ours that's always been present and it's just the way it is. 

We have had our struggles with sex. We've been together since we were 18 so we've had a long time to work on them. In some ways we have only really hit our stride since we were 30 or so and there have been major child-sized blips on our radar in the past few years. 

But they've never been around frequency. Or enthusiasm. But there are definitely some ways that I think I'm lacking and some that he is, but they're minor overall. For example, he's really the driver of any kind of innovation, although I try to always be an enthusiastic participant to make up for my lack of imagination. 

And he's not a big talker about emotional or relationship things, but I'm good at reading him after all this time. I wouldn't say we have really open communication though.


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## luvinhim (Jun 25, 2014)

luvihim- do you feel that the your issues are related to sex? Without sex, everything negative, no matter ho small, is amplified?[/QUOTE]

yes i do, but it is so complicated, he was any angry person naturally it came out after years of marriage. so i will say that some of our dysfunction is from lack of sex, but the other issues stem from him being so controlling, and mean


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

> We see a lot of posts in this forum about "If only my partner would have sex more often"... or "if only I could get more oral sex"...or "if we could be creative in the bedroom I'd be happy". A lot of these complaints come from the HD in the relationship of course.


I never had this in my marriage, but I did have an abusive ex who always used the "If only ..." line in regards to sex with the implication that he'd stop being abusive if only I'd do X, Y, or Z, but the list was constantly updated and nothing ever changed.

So I think whether or not willingness makes a difference probably depends on the mindset of the HD person. If they are just working through a bucket list of sex acts without a real emotional connection to their partner and it's more about bragging rights (to themselves if no one else) about what they "got someone to do" then - I don't see the relationship improving, no.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

My ex-husband wasn't particularly interested in meeting my needs or doing anything to create a marriage that was happy for both of us. Even when we were having engaged, enthusiastic, non-vanilla sex 3-5+ times per week. He was, of course, dismayed when that gradually dwindled down to 1 or so times per week. He was willing to pout, rage, act petulant about it. What he wasn't willing to do was listen to what I needed, or even to believe that it might be okay for me to have needs of my own. Husbands have needs. Wives provide for them. The end. 

If either party isn't willing to give, to have a reciprocal relationship where both spouses are getting their needs met, then just having more frequent or more exotic sex won't make the marriage better. More sex will not overcome intense self-centeredness and an all-take-no-give attitude.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

So basically, it doesn't matter if you provide or not, nothing changes and its a bandage over a gapping wound.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

kingsfan said:


> So basically, it doesn't matter if you provide or not, nothing changes and its a bandage over a gapping wound.


I don't think I agree Kingsfan. 

I think a good sex life, and working toward a good sex life, can set the stage for further resolutions, alterations and compromises. 

No one can deny the heightened connection that sex brings, nor the lowered level of resentment that sex brings, though temporary. A happy sex life can facilitate a better overall relationship, even if the relationship has been in a train wreck.


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## 1812overture (Nov 25, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> No one can deny the heightened connection that sex brings, nor the lowered level of resentment that sex brings, though temporary. A happy sex life can facilitate a better overall relationship, even if the relationship has been in a train wreck.


I think my wife would deny it. I even tried to explain to her in the spring when things picked up that shortly after we have sex, (which could be anytime if we have sex frequently) is a great time to ask me to do something. She looked at me a bit funny, and I noted that the pixie dust of intimacy is strong after we have sex. She disagreed, said it wasn't like that for her, and (and now wonder, many months later) may have decide that if sex is required to get me to do the things she demands I do, she'd rather do it herself -- and then highlight what I don't do.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> I don't think I agree Kingsfan.
> 
> I think a good sex life, and working toward a good sex life, can set the stage for further resolutions, alterations and compromises.
> 
> No one can deny the heightened connection that sex brings, nor the lowered level of resentment that sex brings, though temporary. A happy sex life can facilitate a better overall relationship, even if the relationship has been in a train wreck.


I think for many this is true, but not all. For some folks, including some on this board, sex no longer brings the feelings of connection it once did, and sometimes can even increase resentment.


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

I was the LD partner for ten years (had been HD for ten years before that). We went from sex several times a week to once or twice a month. The reasons were not all that unusual--kids, resentment, Nice Guy syndrome, yada yada yada. 

Putting back the sex basically was the first step in fixing everything. I'm so freaking glad I did it. 

I say "first step" because my willingness to just start meeting his needs with no string attached was soon met with the realization (from him) that he'd need to do some work, too, if he wanted his HD wife back. 

We basically did a re-do of our entire marriage dynamic. I barely recognize us and its amazing. 

Was it tons of work? Yes. But with both people on board and committed to never going back? OMG it's been so much fun. 

When read threads like this I realize how lucky I am that he was ready and willing when I came to him and told him I was sorry, and wanted to fix things. I wonder how many men could have responded in that way?


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

Lyris said:


> That's not true. Being LD can be a perfectly natural state and not something to be fixed.
> .


Uh, no. If your spouse is HD, then there is something VERY WRONG with denying him sex. Don't delude yourself. It is an evil thing you are doing go the spouse.

at the very least, set them free for a normal relationship with the next spouse.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

murphy5 said:


> Uh, no. If your spouse is HD, then there is something VERY WRONG with denying him sex. Don't delude yourself. It is an evil thing you are doing go the spouse.
> 
> at the very least, set them free for a normal relationship with the next spouse.


Lyris isn't here anymore, unfortunately. But if she were, I know she would undoubtedly correct your misunderstanding above. Lyris has written many times that although she doesn't have as strong a sex drive as her husband, she never turns him down.



Lyris said:


> It helps of course that I'm very attracted to my husband and he's awesome in bed. So I know, intellectually that I'll enjoy myself and I love being physically close to him.
> 
> *He doesn't have to ask or complain or do anything to get me to have sex 4-5 times a week.* Because I know it's necessary for a happy marriage and pleasing him is very important to me. Plus I always feel very close and connected to him after good sex, without it I start to feel disconnected and sad.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

"If only my partner would have sex more often"... or "if only I could get more oral sex"...or "if we could be creative in the bedroom I'd be happy". A lot of these complaints come from the HD in the relationship of course. "

That like a husband having multiple affairs complaining about his wife, that she does not understand his needs, that she is self-centered, and that she needs to see things from his perspective, and why does she get to dictate when should be done. There's a large middle ground but one distinction between a healthy brother sister, aunt/nephew relationship and a husband and a wife is marital relations.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Great sex is not a panacea.

People who have great sex lives still have relationship issues. Just as the man I'm with loves our sex life but doesn't treat it as though that's all that matters and doesn't worship the water I walk on because of it, an LD spouse "just doing it" more or better or whatever isn't going to fix every problem in the relationship, especially if those problems led up to the bad sex and festered some more after that.

Just add sex and stir can only be considered a start, at best.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

GettingIt said:


> I was the LD partner for ten years (had been HD for ten years before that). We went from sex several times a week to once or twice a month. The reasons were not all that unusual--kids, resentment, Nice Guy syndrome, yada yada yada.
> 
> Putting back the sex basically was the first step in fixing everything. I'm so freaking glad I did it.
> 
> ...



I think the number of men that would respond like that would vary depending on the amount of time and severity of the situation. Everyone has a different breaking point where they say "to hell with it".

I think until very recently I would have responded that way. I still might, but it's not a sure thing anymore.


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

Fozzy said:


> I think the number of men that would respond like that would vary depending on the amount of time and severity of the situation. Everyone has a different breaking point where they say "to hell with it".
> 
> I think until very recently I would have responded that way. I still might, but it's not a sure thing anymore.


One thing I learned from sticking around TAM after my initial "getting it" moment was that I am just so damn lucky. I wont ever forget how close I might have been to "too late."


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Fozzy said:


> I think the number of men that would respond like that would vary depending on the amount of time and severity of the situation. Everyone has a different breaking point where they say "to hell with it".
> 
> I think until very recently I would have responded that way. I still might, but it's not a sure thing anymore.





GettingIt said:


> One thing I learned from sticking around TAM after my initial "getting it" moment was that I am just so damn lucky. I wont ever forget how close I might have been to "too late."


Fozzy, this is why that other thread triggered me so...you know the one... If it is too late, it's time to cut bait and end it.

While sex itself is no longer a problem in my marriage, it was for a very long time. Like GettingIt, I finally got it. Her husband responded and together they are creating their perfect marriage. My husband toys with responding and I have no idea why. Does he still resent me? Has he lost all desire to create a good marriage? While I don't think the answers to those questions are Yes and Yes, I do sometimes wonder....

So if/when you reach the point of not being able to get your head back in the game....please please for your sake and for your wife's sake, end it.

You too Kingsfan.


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

Fozzy said:


> I think the number of men that would respond like that would vary depending on the amount of time and severity of the situation. Everyone has a different breaking point where they say "to hell with it".
> 
> I think until very recently I would have responded that way. I still might, but it's not a sure thing anymore.


I think another major factor is what the rest of the marriage is like. I've only been married once, so I'm not an expert,  but in my limited experience, disinterest in sex does not necessarily equal indifferent, aloof, disrespectful etc. 

My wife has always been as friendly and as cuddly as a kitten even during the dark time when she had zero interest in sex.


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## Papillon (Jun 26, 2013)

I was the LD wife for 20 years. Well, let me rephrase that. My husband claimed that I was LD, when really I think I had a normal sex drive compared to his outrageously HD libido. By outrageously HD, I mean that for him 2 times per day would be sufficient, but only if my "heart was in it" every single time. If he sensed that I was doing it for obligation he got pissy about it, saying it wasn't satisfying. It wasn't like that always. The first 8-10 years were much more "normal". I told him the truth always and although I did what I could to meet his needs, I didn't always oblige him if I wasn't feeling it. He didn't used to get pissy about it. The last 10 years though - a totally different story. Add in a move with a long commute and 2 kids. Eventually he said, "if we don't have sex more often, a LOT more often, I'm leaving". 

So, I obliged. I knew that if I turned him down ever, the stakes were very high. After the kids came along it was harder for me to keep up, but I honestly did my very best. This began a cycle of:

He wants very frequent sex. 
I never turn him down because I don't want him to leave me.
He thinks I'm just doing it for obligation, which doesn't turn him on. 
Which I usually was initially, but that doesn't mean I didn't enjoy it once we got started.
Now he calls me "frigid, but a very good actress." He thinks I never want sex which isn't true.

So, HD guys out there - I have a question. You SAY it is about the intimacy, but let's be honest here. It really is all about the sex. Right? Because if my H didn't orgasm in the end, no matter how long and hard I tried, say for 1-2 hours, he acted "disappointed" and would be in a foul mood all the next day. 

I don't know what my point is other than to say, be careful what you wish for.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tommyr (May 25, 2014)

norajane said:


> Great sex is not a panacea.
> 
> People who have great sex lives still have relationship issues. Just as the man I'm with loves our sex life but doesn't treat it as though that's all that matters and doesn't *worship the water I walk* on because of it, an LD spouse "just doing it" more or better or whatever isn't going to fix every problem in the relationship, especially if those problems led up to the bad sex and festered some more after that.
> 
> Just add sex and stir can only be considered a start, at best.


Aside from the mixed metaphors in bold (ha!)....

In general I don't believe that more sex will ALWAYS fix EVERY problem.
However I very much believe that in this ridiculously common pattern:

-marriage starts out good, he's happy inside the bedroom, she's happy outside the bedroom
- couple years go by, kids arrive, life get's busy, she feels he is not doing enough outside the bedroom, sex dwindles, resentments build on both sides
-the cycle of resentment means less sex, he becomes horny/angry/mean which adds distance and he detaches even further.

Here we have a textbook positive feedback loop where the NoSex input parameter results in worse behavior output from him. There must be a million threads just like this on TAM (including my own story).

So in this common scenario, I think there ARE lots of cases where just having more sex can (almost instantly) break the death spiral, and the artificially bad behaviors on both sides may quickly return to normal through no other "input parameter" change besides just MoreSex.

It's a bit like the cuban missile crisis. Both sides get entrenched into a very destructive position that is self-amplifying, and all it might take is for one side to Blink.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

HeartFullOfLove said:


> I was the LD wife for 20 years. Well, let me rephrase that. My husband claimed that I was LD, when really I think I had a normal sex drive compared to his outrageously HD libido. By outrageously HD, I mean that for him 2 times per day would be sufficient, but only if my "heart was in it" every single time. If he sensed that I was doing it for obligation he got pissy about it, saying it wasn't satisfying. It wasn't like that always. The first 8-10 years were much more "normal". I told him the truth always and although I did what I could to meet his needs, I didn't always oblige him if I wasn't feeling it. He didn't used to get pissy about it. The last 10 years though - a totally different story. Add in a move with a long commute and 2 kids. Eventually he said, "if we don't have sex more often, a LOT more often, I'm leaving".
> 
> 
> 
> ...



No I don't think it's all about the sex. Your case sounds like it's about building up his low self esteem. Like constant reassurance.


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## 4x4 (Apr 15, 2014)

HFOL, from what you write it sounds like he is very very high drive, and a bit of a jerk. Whether his desired frequency is twice a day or twice a year he shouldn't be disrespectful to you about it.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

Anon Pink said:


> I've got a rather long story I don't wish to recite, but I was the LD for a very long time and when I started to have sex and want sex much more frequently it did NOT solve the other issues in the marriage, nor did it make my husband more loving or more attentive or less closed off, or less emotionally retarded.
> 
> Long story short, I had hoped frequent and steamy sex would open the doors to emotional connection and a better relationship and it hasn't. I've changed but he hasn't.


This is why the standard advice to dudes around here is so important (and works). The advice is to fix yourself first. Get in shape, be strong and confident, work on your marriage and figure out what your wife's love languages are and meet them.

When we were at a low point, I know that my wife upping the sex probably wouldn't have fixed things. I had to come to the self realization that I didn't want to go through life being an *******.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

HeartFullOfLove said:


> I was the LD wife for 20 years. Well, let me rephrase that. My husband claimed that I was LD, when really I think I had a normal sex drive compared to his outrageously HD libido. By outrageously HD, I mean that for him 2 times per day would be sufficient, but only if my "heart was in it" every single time. If he sensed that I was doing it for obligation he got pissy about it, saying it wasn't satisfying. It wasn't like that always. The first 8-10 years were much more "normal". I told him the truth always and although I did what I could to meet his needs, I didn't always oblige him if I wasn't feeling it. He didn't used to get pissy about it. The last 10 years though - a totally different story. Add in a move with a long commute and 2 kids. Eventually he said, "if we don't have sex more often, a LOT more often, I'm leaving".
> 
> So, I obliged. I knew that if I turned him down ever, the stakes were very high. After the kids came along it was harder for me to keep up, but I honestly did my very best. This began a cycle of:
> 
> ...


It sounds like for this question you are using your husband solely as a reference, since you didn't refer to any past lovers in this post. If so, it's unfair to judge everyone/all men based on what your husband wants, especially a husband who you admit has an "outrageously HD libido" and by the sounds of it is a jerk.

I'm not encouraging you to level him, but if you did I'd venture as to say that the odds are pretty strong you will not find a guy who wants it two times a day everyday nor one who is pissy if you only go about half that amount or even 4-5X a week.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

HeartFullOfLove said:


> I was the LD wife for 20 years. Well, let me rephrase that. My husband claimed that I was LD, when really I think I had a normal sex drive compared to his outrageously HD libido. By outrageously HD, I mean that for him 2 times per day would be sufficient, but only if my "heart was in it" every single time. If he sensed that I was doing it for obligation he got pissy about it, saying it wasn't satisfying. It wasn't like that always. The first 8-10 years were much more "normal". I told him the truth always and although I did what I could to meet his needs, I didn't always oblige him if I wasn't feeling it. He didn't used to get pissy about it. The last 10 years though - a totally different story. Add in a move with a long commute and 2 kids. Eventually he said, "if we don't have sex more often, a LOT more often, I'm leaving".
> 
> So, I obliged. I knew that if I turned him down ever, the stakes were very high. After the kids came along it was harder for me to keep up, but I honestly did my very best. This began a cycle of:
> 
> ...


It may or may not be that more sex leads to more intimacy. In my experience, that's exactly what happened. The only way to find out is to give it a try. It looks like you did (congratulations), but your disband is a d*ck. Now that you've tried and he's just being a jerk, tell him you're now going to have sex only when you want it. Let him know that you're willing to return to the status quo if he stops being an a$$hole.

I never understand why some HD men (it seems to just be men) insist that their partner want sex as much as they do. That seems unrealistic and unlikely. Assuming that she gets something positive out of it, I give more credit to doing something primarily for your partner's sake than because you just like it anyway.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

My ex was the LD partner. He was not very good in bed.

Out of desperation to save our marriage, he FINALLY started having more sex in our 19th year of marriage. My conclusion? MORE frequent lousy sex does NOT equal a satisfying, passionate, sexy, orgasmic, close relationship. It just equals.... well, more frequent lousy sex.

We divorced in our 20th year of marriage.


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## 4x4 (Apr 15, 2014)

That was part of my equation too Happy. I thought I just needed to get the frequency up and that would improve things enough I could get by. When I fully understood she is just naturally LD and non-orgasmic, borderline asexual, I realized that sex for her will always be Open Flap A, Insert Tab B, Rotate Flap C. She might get better at following the directions and even learn some new ones, but it will always be mechanical.


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

Having sex with a partner that's not into it is soul crushing. Having more sex with a partner that's not into is a nuke on your soul. But sex is NOT the be all end all in the relationship but very few marriages survive happily without it.


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## dollygal (Sep 23, 2014)

What happened with pretty much all the LDs I know is that they became bitter, angry, or resentful that their husbands only cared about sex in their perception. Whether they were bitter, angry, or resentful the end result is they ended up hating him for wanting and being happy with her having sex for his sole benefit. 

This hatred grew when each and every time their husbands would talk about how sex is how she shows him love because they would fester with the thought that him shoving himself in her with no regard to her pleasure or desire is how he lives. They thought their husband was prioritizing himself and expecting her to prioritize him without any inclination of a sincere effort to treat her with some kind of concern and caring.

With the ones that didn't hate their husbands they just started using it as a transaction. If sex regardless of her interest is how he loves her I guess the wives saw no reason to capitalize on it. :smthumbup:


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

I would say that in many situations where the partners have a normal upbringing free of abuse, LD is not a condition in and of itself but an outcome based on experiences shared with a LT partner. If the LD was not developed from a "bad marriage", then the majority of those left over have a physical/chemical reason for the LD, like low T or E. Only a small minority of people are truly LD from the onset, which I think is rare. I believe that most people would naturally want to have sex anywhere from 1 to 3 times a week. 

This coming from someone that never experienced a sexless relationship, so take it for what it's worth.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

I do think you have to consider some norm to start with, which I think is twice a week. That means the twice a day guy is just difficult and unreasonable, and once a month Mary is unfair. Obviously there are other factors, a woman working with three kids might be able to do twice a week on a good week and a smart husband rubs her back and just talks one Saturday night instead of seeing this as an obligation.


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## badder2 (Sep 23, 2014)

I prefer to see lack of sex as more of a symton and not the disease. The sex will probably improve if the other areas in your relationship are improving.

i know for my 20 year relationship with my wife there have been many ups and downs. Sometimes were like a couple of teenagers, sometimes we go weeks to months with nothing. it is all related to other aspects of our lives with the sex life paying the penalty.

I look for the underlying causes and work on that. Ultimately it is about being honest and open about all aspects of your life (including your sex life).


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

john117 said:


> Anon Pink and Techmom nailed it, the way I see it is that LD realization is not the Check Engine light of the marriage but more the Low Engine Oil light of the marriage, meaning by the time it is on, it may be too late unless serious rebuilding is done.


Agreed. And at that point you need to decide whether it's worth potentially rebuilding an engine or buying a new car all together.


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

What about when it's the man who's LD - are there any LD men here who have made the effort to have more sex? It's a bit more difficult when the man is LD as he then has to force himself to have sex with his wife, so he needs to get hard first. With a woman, as long as the guy is hard, he can just stick it in and feel like he's having sex whether she's turned on or not. We've seen plenty of that in this thread where the women are making the effort and having sex with their husbands to try to save their marriages. Are there any LD guys on here who can let me know just how difficult it is when you have to force yourself to have sex with your wife?


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

doobie said:


> What about when it's the man who's LD - are there any LD men here who have made the effort to have more sex? It's a bit more difficult when the man is LD as he then has to force himself to have sex with his wife, so he needs to get hard first. With a woman, as long as the guy is hard, he can just stick it in and feel like he's having sex whether she's turned on or not. We've seen plenty of that in this thread where the women are making the effort and having sex with their husbands to try to save their marriages. Are there any LD guys on here who can let me know just how difficult it is when you have to force yourself to have sex with your wife?


It's nearly impossible and in some instances, is impossible.

Once, she forced herself on me and physically hurt me. Another time, she was too amorous and hurt me. 

The first instance I posted, I was able to keep an erection and finish due to out and out love of her(pity?) and forcing my thoughts to focus on the good feelings from my genitals and push out the pain. 

The second instance I posted, I was only able to continue for a short time. Maybe it was about another couple minutes at most. That time, it was pain in my genitals, not from another area of my body, so there was no way to separate them. 

If it is due to a health issue, it is impossible on your own, to get and keep an erection.


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## Big Dude (Feb 24, 2013)

doobie said:


> Are there any LD guys on here who can let me know just how difficult it is when you have to force yourself to have sex with your wife?


Although I am not LD, I have become LD for my wife. When it is time for me to do my duty, a small dose of Levitra and fantasizing about being with someone else is the only way I can perform. It's not a good feeling to have to take such measures when the equipment and libido are otherwise healthy.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

This subject line makes me cringe. The day my partner ever started 'providing me with sex' is the day I would end the relationship. For me sex is something you do together not something one "gives up" to the other.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

doobie said:


> What about when it's the man who's LD - are there any LD men here who have made the effort to have more sex? It's a bit more difficult when the man is LD as he then has to force himself to have sex with his wife, so he needs to get hard first. *With a woman, as long as the guy is hard, he can just stick it in and feel like he's having sex whether she's turned on or not. *We've seen plenty of that in this thread where the women are making the effort and having sex with their husbands to try to save their marriages. Are there any LD guys on here who can let me know just how difficult it is when you have to force yourself to have sex with your wife?


Wow, this post really upset me. Just "stick it in" whether she's turned on or not? Do you see how this attitude guarantees she will not enjoy sex at all and will only experience pain and will associate PIV with pain?

Let me correct an apparent misconception about women's bodies. The vagina is not an open hole that can be filled by a penis regardless of arousal. It HURTS if you "just stick it in" if she's not aroused. An aroused vagina lubricates, and the uterus moves up into her body to make room for a penis. Without that, IT HURTS. 

If a guy doesn't care that it hurts, then why is his wife supposed to care about his needs? She is already not wanting sex and now she is expected to endure pain, too?

Also, please explain why a guy needs to have an erection in order to give his wife oral sex or manual stimulation. Isn't that what many here recommend that a woman do - give him a bj or hj if she doesn't want or can't have PIV? He doesn't need an erection to give her an orgasm, and neither of those options causes him any physical PAIN. 

Not that I think he should have sex when he doesn't want to, any more than I think a woman should have sex when she doesn't want to. But the consequences for giving a woman oral or manual stimulation don't include PAIN like "just stick it in" does.


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

norajane - I didn't mean it to sound quite so graphic. What I'm trying to find out here is how an HD woman can get her LD husband to have sex with her. There are plenty of admonitions here on TAM for women to make sure they have regular sex with their husbands but how do you get an LD husband to have sex with his wife. LD women are expected to have regular sex in order to make the marriage work whereas LD men have the perfect excuse for not doing so - how can they have sex when they're not hard. As for the oral and BJs - it still seems as if a woman is expected to give a BJ or HJ if she doesn't feel in the mood for sex (although to me BJs and HJs are a type of sex) but how many people would expect a man to give his wife oral if he's not in the mood for sex.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

doobie said:


> norajane - I didn't mean it to sound quite so graphic. What I'm trying to find out here is how an HD woman can get her LD husband to have sex with her. There are plenty of admonitions here on TAM for women to make sure they have regular sex with their husbands but how do you get an LD husband to have sex with his wife. LD women are expected to have regular sex in order to make the marriage work whereas LD men have the perfect excuse for not doing so - how can they have sex when they're not hard. *As for the oral and BJs - it still seems as if a woman is expected to give a BJ or HJ if she doesn't feel in the mood for sex (although to me BJs and HJs are a type of sex)* *but how many people would expect a man to give his wife oral if he's not in the mood for sex.*


I think you're probably right about that - the expectation is not there that a man would do anything if he isn't aroused (doesn't have an erection), maybe because sex seems to be very penis-centric for a lot of people. Though I expect it's the LD man who wouldn't consider giving oral if he isn't aroused, and not necessarily that his HD wife wouldn't want him to try something.

My view on LD is there are relationship issues/emotional issues/intimacy issues behind a lot of it. That's why alternatives, like oral sex, don't really work for most people.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

norajane said:


> I think you're probably right about that - the expectation is not there that a man would do anything if he isn't aroused (doesn't have an erection), *maybe because sex seems to be very penis-centric for a lot of people*. Though I expect it's the LD man who wouldn't consider giving oral if he isn't aroused, and not necessarily that his HD wife wouldn't want him to try something.
> 
> My view on LD is there are relationship issues/emotional issues/intimacy issues behind a lot of it. That's why alternatives, like oral sex, don't really work for most people.


Women included...one of the reasons my wife is not big on receiving standalone oral or manual is that her body physically craves my penis being inside her moments after her first orgasm.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

lifeistooshort said:


> Yup, one of the best ways to ensure that your wife doesn't want sex with you is to compare her to your exes. Permanent damage done.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So...
a) you stay in marriage knowing VERY well that now YOU are doing damage as well (2 wrongs don't make a right).

or 

b) leave

I guess what I'm trying to say is rather than have resentment and remain, the person above you should end marriage.......


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening doobie
I would say it is exactly symmetric. If a LD man can get an erection, he can (and should) still provide other forms of sex for his wife. 

So yes, I would expect a LD man to give his wife oral just as I'd expect a LD wife to give it to her man.

Of course since I'm HD, that is easy to say - I can't really imagine not wanting sex. In >25 years, there have been a few times I didn't particularly feel like it, but I still did what I could for my wife. I have only turned her down a couple of times, once after a 20 hour shift at work when I just couldn't do anything, and a few times when I was significantly ill and didn't want to infect her.




doobie said:


> norajane - I didn't mean it to sound quite so graphic. What I'm trying to find out here is how an HD woman can get her LD husband to have sex with her. There are plenty of admonitions here on TAM for women to make sure they have regular sex with their husbands but how do you get an LD husband to have sex with his wife. LD women are expected to have regular sex in order to make the marriage work whereas LD men have the perfect excuse for not doing so - how can they have sex when they're not hard. As for the oral and BJs - it still seems as if a woman is expected to give a BJ or HJ if she doesn't feel in the mood for sex (although to me BJs and HJs are a type of sex) but how many people would expect a man to give his wife oral if he's not in the mood for sex.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

It's one thing if it's just a matter of initiation...that once the sex commences both partners get into it but are people really interested in having sex with an unaroused partner? 

In my mind you need to get to the root cause of the lack of desire for sex and deal with that. One partner participating in 'duty' sex can't be that much fun for either side. It's going to eventually lead to resentment...probably for both parties.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening all
I've never quite understood the idea of "duty sex".

Sometimes I will give my wife a long back-rub. It doesn't do anything physically for me, it takes some time and effort, but I am happy to do it because she enjoys it and I enjoy hearing the happy purring noises she makes. I don't think of it at all as a "duty" back-rub. Yes, its a favor for her, but one I am happy to do. 

Why is sex different? Sure, certain activities like intercourse can be uncomfortable if one partner isn't aroused, but whats wrong with fingers and oral? How is giving oral sex any different than giving a long back-rub? Your mouth gets tired rather than your hands, but otherwise isn't it the same sort of thing?


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Well, it's back or crotch. They are two different areas and don't inspire the same feelings. So, it isn't sex if the crotch is not involved. I think. :scratchhead: 

I've had oral though without being touched at all or doing any touching. I've been told eff you a few times.  Just kidding you.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening all
> I've never quite understood the idea of "duty sex".
> 
> Sometimes I will give my wife a long back-rub. It doesn't do anything physically for me, it takes some time and effort, but I am happy to do it because she enjoys it and I enjoy hearing the happy purring noises she makes. I don't think of it at all as a "duty" back-rub. Yes, its a favor for her, but one I am happy to do.
> ...


I agree. While, ideally, it would be best to go see a movie was at the top of both spouse's list, sometimes that isn't possible. While some would view that as one side "winning", I would derive as much or more satisfaction from going to see the movie that my wife wanted to see. Now, if you're ALWAYS going to see your spouse's favorite movie and never yours, that's a problem. It's also a problem if you don't like the same sort of movies. But my wife and I are a usually fighting to see the movie the other wants. 

I consider it far more loving for my wife to go see a movie with me because she cares about my happiness than if she just comes along because it's the one she wanted to see regardless.


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## homedepot (May 13, 2014)

This topic is so important but so stupid at the same time. I am super HD and I realize it is selfish at times for us to get mad at our spouses for not wanting sex as much. The problem that most of us have is we didn't see the signs before marriage.... 90% of the time, we are fighting a loosing battle folks, because of the inconsistency that usually follows.
As much as we all love to talk, I know most are tired of coaching some one on how to love you, especially when it was natural as waking up every day.

These posts are at all time high. What is the solution folks? Divorce, have and affair, do nothing and hope for the best?


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

homedepot said:


> What is the solution folks? Divorce, have and affair, do nothing and hope for the best?


Make it clear that it is killing the marriage, ask what it will take to spark up their interest and follow through. If they won't or can't work with you either go your separate ways or accept it. 

It kills me how many people will categorically state how easily people throw way marriages 'these days'. That is complete and utter BS. I've never known anyone to take divorce lightly. In fact I would hazard a guess the number of people choosing to stay in bad marriages far far exceeds those leaving good ones.


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