# Just be honest...



## Trying180 (Feb 13, 2012)

The sex is bad...Its never been great. I've showed and explained my needs endlessly to get no where FAST! I've done things different as suggested by my partner to make it better only to result in the same dissatisfaction on my end. I am a piece of meat. How many men wonder why their wife doesn't want the sexy... Lets be honest. If we told you all of the above, you would me mortified. I know this from experience. I was urged to talk about it with my spouse and I did. The result of that...was things got worse, WAY worse. And now I feel like a horrible person. So if you want to know why she is not interested...perhaps your not the Casanova you thought and the great listener you think you are. If you want better and more...then just friggen listen and follow directions. Change your game before its to late... A woman changes in her needs from when she was 19. Watch and listen...she is telling you.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Feel better for having vented now? 

I would have loved if my STBXW had spoken up about what I could have done differently to improve our sex life. It might have hurt to begin with, but self improvement sometimes is like that.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

PBear said:


> Feel better for having vented now?
> 
> I would have loved if my STBXW had spoken up about what I could have done differently to improve our sex life. It might have hurt to begin with, but self improvement sometimes is like that.
> 
> ...


:iagree:


----------



## The Chimp (Feb 14, 2012)

Trying180 said:


> The sex is bad...Its never been great. I've showed and explained my needs endlessly to get no where FAST! I've done things different as suggested by my partner to make it better only to result in the same dissatisfaction on my end. I am a piece of meat. How many men wonder why their wife doesn't want the sexy... Lets be honest. If we told you all of the above, you would me mortified. I know this from experience. I was urged to talk about it with my spouse and I did. The result of that...was things got worse, WAY worse. And now I feel like a horrible person. So if you want to know why she is not interested...perhaps your not the Casanova you thought and the great listener you think you are. If you want better and more...then just friggen listen and follow directions. Change your game before its to late... A woman changes in her needs from when she was 19. Watch and listen...she is telling you.


And to the men who have tried asking their wives what to do to improve their sex lives and been told "I don't know, you're the man, you should just know!", what would you suggest?


----------



## Trying180 (Feb 13, 2012)

The Chimp said:


> And to the men who have tried asking their wives what to do to improve their sex lives and been told "I don't know, you're the man, you should just know!", what would you suggest?


She knows... She is just not willing to tell you because it will hurt your pride. I feel like crap now that I have told..... It never helped a thing. Now its worse. Its penetration and he done. He has lost weight because he is obsessing about us. (6' - 155 lbs)...Really whats worse. Knowing the truth, or living in a dream world that its her issue? Can you handle the truth...Mine couldn't.


----------



## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Trying180 said:


> She knows... She is just not willing to tell you because it will hurt your pride. I feel like crap now that I have told..... It never helped a thing. Now its worse. Its penetration and he done. He has lost weight because he is obsessing about us. (6' - 155 lbs)...Really whats worse. Knowing the truth, or living in a dream world that its her issue? Can you handle the truth...Mine couldn't.


But - also being honest - if things don't change, he could lose you.

I would want to know the truth.

Plus - thing of how much fun you could have while "coaching him into shape!!!"

Just make sure that any criticism is given away from the bedroom - and not right after or during sex when you might be frustrated.


----------



## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

I can not for the life of me think a woman could tell me anything that would embaress me. Would love for her to tell me what she wants, how she wants it cause that is how I would give it to her. I am about pleaseing my partner, just show me the way! If I am not doing it right let me know...please. Thank you.


----------



## The Chimp (Feb 14, 2012)

Trying180 said:


> She knows... She is just not willing to tell you because it will hurt your pride. I feel like crap now that I have told..... It never helped a thing. Now its worse. Its penetration and he done. He has lost weight because he is obsessing about us. (6' - 155 lbs)...Really whats worse. Knowing the truth, or living in a dream world that its her issue? Can you handle the truth...Mine couldn't.


I think you are: looking to tar all men with the same brush and make yourself feel better.

I don't think you want to solve the problem.


----------



## Trying180 (Feb 13, 2012)

Or if she is really that nave..she should masturbate...so she could tell you. Un-leash what is in her mind during fantasy moments. Watch her reaction to movies. Does she wiggle a lot during romance movies...or action movies. Does she watch glee...or the news. If its romance...soft is best approach then spice it up as she warms up. If its Action...then take action. The problems is with a woman...it could be different by the hour.


----------



## Trying180 (Feb 13, 2012)

I don't want to tar men...Trust me. I also don't want to scar HIM...and that is exactly what have done. To say I don't want to fix it is ridiculous. I've taken classes, read books, video tapes, counseling... What more should I do? When the rest of the marriage was going well it didn't seem like such a problem. But now that the marriage is hurting I have nothing to lean on to help me through. No "best sex ever" after a fight. Its like a teeter totter... When sex is poor we had love and kindness to help us through...but when the love and kindness is lacking the board breaks because the pleasure is lacking also. If I thought all guys were the same, I would not be contemplating leaving him. It would just be more of the same...get what I'm saying.


----------



## Trying180 (Feb 13, 2012)

Telling your lover you should know what I want is a cop out.


----------



## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

What is he doing wrong? What would you like him to do that he is not?


----------



## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

"It's not me.....It's you".


----------



## nomoretogive (Oct 29, 2011)

The Chimp said:


> I think you are: looking to tar all men with the same brush and make yourself feel better.
> 
> I don't think you want to solve the problem.


Because my situation is so similar to the OP's, I'm curious what you mean by this. I, too, have spoken to my husband about what we need to do to improve our sex life. I think I handled it the "right" way. I didn't do it after a particularly disappointing sex session. I took an afternoon, sent the kids away, and told him we needed to talk. Not only did I tell him what I needed for things to improve, I asked him what he needed from me so that things could be better. 

It was as honest a conversation two people could have about sex, though I was never putting him down. I used statements like, "My needs have changed, and I think it would be great if we tried this." He took offense at every turn, told me I was asking too much, he couldn't do those things...but he didn't hold out on expressing what he needed from me, and though I've tried doing everything he said -- more lingerie, more spontaneity, more BJs -- things haven't improved for ME because he is simply unwilling to do anything to make it better for me. I still feel like nothing more than a hole or piece of meat every time we have sex...and have started avoiding it again so as not to feel like anymore. 

He has said the words, "We're still having sex after 14 years. Isn't that enough to make you happy?" Well, no, I'm sorry, it's just not. 

Based on a "challenge" from our MC, I have turned into super-wife these last two months, trying my damndest to make this marriage work. From doing all of the scheduling of quality time, cooking more elaborate dinners every night, cooking special things for his lunch -- he works outside in the snow -- getting him random gifts and cards, snuggling on the couch to watch movies, becoming MUCH more sexually adventurous. Yet he still hasn't budged one inch to do even a single thing I told him I needed to make our sex life -- and marriage in general -- work for me. 

If there's something I'm missing, please tell me what it is! I feel like I'm spinning my wheels here and getting nowhere.


----------



## dymo (Jan 2, 2012)

Most men would be deeply hurt to find out they were lousy in bed. They'd also be hurt to find out that such an important aspect of their relationship had been a lie all this time. It's a lot to process.

Give him time. He's hurting now, but now that he knows there is a problem, the ball is in his court to fix it. 

Of course, this all hinges on one thing. Do you want him to improve, or do you want the sex to stop? If it's the former, make that crystal clear to him.


----------



## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

Again, excuse me for being dense. But what are you all talking about? My xw would never, ever, say what she wanted, her answer was always, "what do you want?" then she would never do what I said. Cant imagine a wife telling a husband, "I would like....x" and him being offended, as long as the activity included him that is....


----------



## nomoretogive (Oct 29, 2011)

Hoosier said:


> Again, excuse me for being dense. But what are you all talking about? My xw would never, ever, say what she wanted, her answer was always, "what do you want?" then she would never do what I said. Cant imagine a wife telling a husband, "I would like....x" and him being offended, as long as the activity included him that is....


LOL. Perhaps you can understand how confused us wives are who ARE telling our men what we want to make our sex lives better yet our men seem so uninterested in making it happen. I even said the words to my husband, "You like sex, right? You want to have more of it? Why then is it I'm telling you what I need so that that can happen and yet you aren't interested in doing anything to help the situation?" 

And I'm not talking about, "I need to be wined and dined three times a week, and then I will give you more blow jobs." It was, "I would love it if you sent me a hot text during the day that you were horny and thinking of me, so that I would be hot all day and want to jump you when you came home." 

I even sent him a text message -- that I borrowed from somewhere else -- that said, "I'm craving something salty....wanna cum in my mouth tonight?" He called me and yelled at me and told me it was inappropriate to send those kinds of texts during the day when he was at work. Really???!!! 

Like I said, if there's something we're not doing that we should be doing, men, please let us girls know. We're as confused as you are.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You're doing the right things but for the wrong partner. What was his response to your questions?

I'm sorry I don't have answers for you. I think many guys would be incredibly happy to have a sexual partner like you seem to be. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## nomoretogive (Oct 29, 2011)

PBear said:


> You're doing the right things but for the wrong partner. What was his response to your questions?
> 
> I'm sorry I don't have answers for you. I think many guys would be incredibly happy to have a sexual partner like you seem to be.
> 
> ...


Basically, he told me that yes, he wants to have more sex, but he doesn't understand exactly what it is he is supposed to be doing, even after our long talk, even after I've led by sexy texts, kinky lingerie, new toys, telling him to do something different et cetera. 

It's almost as if I have to tell him, "I need you to send a text that says these words exactly, and that will make me horny." Then he won't send the text, saying, "I got busy. I forgot." It's always something. He claims to not see why "I'm making such a big deal out of it," and tells me that I should just be happy that we have sex at all after so many years. 

In my mind, I can't make sense of it. If you want more sex, and I've told you repeatedly these things would get you there, and yet you won't do them....how then do you have the right to complain that the frequency has dropped off again? And men think us women are confusing


----------



## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

PBear said:


> You're doing the right things but for the wrong partner. What was his response to your questions?
> 
> I'm sorry I don't have answers for you. I think many guys would be incredibly happy to have a sexual partner like you seem to be.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

I would flip out if my wife texted me like that, or anything along those lines...in a damn good way......

just sent her one, telling her how I'm thinking of her, her smile, her sexy lips, her little elfin ears, the back of neck which I'm dying to kiss all the way down to her shoulders....
Her text back will be "UR NUTS"

wrote her a poem for today, in a Valentine card, along with a really nice diamond bracelet, had flowers sent to her work....

Wish she could just open up and talk, geeez I told her whatever would help I'll try, big floppy clown shoes and a rubber nose, romance, non-sexual touching, flirting...Teach/Tell me want you would like.....


----------



## Trying180 (Feb 13, 2012)

I can't speak for "Nomoretogive"...but I don't want it to stop. But, He is hurt and he has internalized it in every aspect of our life....The pain is beginning to be to much. The mere mention of sex, brings feelings of dread because I don't want to go through another emotional break down. Avoidance is a defense so we can live the rest of our life seemingly happy. Its been months (sense our talk) now and when we "work" at it...it ends up as an emotional whipping. More of the same. I also approached the subject out side the bedroom in a controlled manor. If I wrote down on paper line by line what he needs to do to give me pleasure...he would change the order or an Item on the list because he thinks it would be better if....He is the kind of guy that uses the GPS and rather than following instructions tries to out smart it and go's a different way because he knows a better way. I don't want to be bitter, better...I just want a DAMN ORGASM and sex to last 5 minutes. Is that to much to ask? At this point I'll take the 5 minutes.


----------



## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Trying180 said:


> The sex is bad...Its never been great. I've showed and explained my needs endlessly to get no where FAST! I've done things different as suggested by my partner to make it better only to result in the same dissatisfaction on my end. I am a piece of meat. How many men wonder why their wife doesn't want the sexy... Lets be honest. If we told you all of the above, you would me mortified. I know this from experience. I was urged to talk about it with my spouse and I did. The result of that...was things got worse, WAY worse. And now I feel like a horrible person. So if you want to know why she is not interested...perhaps your not the Casanova you thought and the great listener you think you are. If you want better and more...then just friggen listen and follow directions. Change your game before its to late... A woman changes in her needs from when she was 19. Watch and listen...she is telling you.


I think just as many husbands are in the same situation as you.

some people are more sexual than others and some people learn more about sex as they age and mature and then some people are just selfish and sexually stunted for what ever reason.

sux to be married to someone who can't see the forest through the pubes.

all you can do it try not to get resentfull and keep trying to educated/teach with as soft as an aproach as you can.

and them masterbate until you have carpool tunel


----------



## nomoretogive (Oct 29, 2011)

Strugglinghusband,

And I would flip out if I had a husband half as interested as you are in making things work. Must be one of those cases where folks just don't know how lucky they are, I guess. 

I'm jealous, though, at what you did for your wife for V-Day. You know what I got? A card that he simply signed his name to and a Kit-Kat. I would love to hear what her response is to your gifts and your poem. And her response to the text. I'm curious to see what she says. 

As a wife, I wish I had some advice for you to help her open up. Is she happy with the marriage right now? Has she told you things that she is unhappy with? Or is she just completely closed up expecting you to read her mind and make everything better? I will say, as a woman, long before I got to the point of being able to put it all on the table, I had to figure out myself what those things were that I needed to address. That came only through therapy, through reading lots of self-help books, talking to other women, growing up and figuring out what I needed to be happy. I was young when I got married, and my needs have changed in the last 14 years. It took me a while to be able to figure out exactly how, though; to figure out what my "ideal" marriage would look like if I were just getting married today. That helped me identify where things weren't working in my marriage and to try to fix them to get to that place. Now, that took A LOT of changing on my part, too, so I wasn't asking my husband to do anything I wasn't willing to do, too. 

Maybe you should ask your wife that. What would her ideal marriage look like? What do you guys need to do together to make that happen? At least get her thinking in terms of what it is she's looking for from you, from the marriage. Because without knowing what it is your wife wants and needs for both of you to be happy in the marriage, you'll be spinning your wheels forever and getting nowhere. Have you two read the Five Love Languages? That was a huge turning point for me. It never occurred to me that we could love someone the "wrong" way until I stumbled upon that gem thanks to this forum.


----------



## nomoretogive (Oct 29, 2011)

Trying180,

I think we are married to the same man, really! Like you, I would kill for five good minutes, where I felt like he were really into it, into me, and then an orgasm at the end that I didn't have to make happen myself with my trusty vibrating friend. That's all it would take to make me happy right now. Yet they still don't get it....WTH are we supposed to do??? Hopefully some of the men on here can shed some light and help some girls out!!!


----------



## Trying180 (Feb 13, 2012)

That is why I posted about it. Please...I was reading a lot yesterday about physical chemicals that lead to being turned on. Oxycontin, endorphins and such... It really is a chemical reaction when you get turned on. I need to know how to turn the physically chemicals back on to help me get over the emotional pains. (I'm not going to take pills). There has to be a way to flip a switch physically that will cause lust again so I am willing to try again. Because at this point its my love for him that keeps me from his bed yet when I look at him I still don't see a man I want to rock. Who wants to hurt the one he loves...even if his hurt is only because I'm dissatisfied.


----------



## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

nomoretogive said:


> Strugglinghusband,
> 
> And I would flip out if I had a husband half as interested as you are in making things work. Must be one of those cases where folks just don't know how lucky they are, I guess.
> 
> ...



After getting the card/poem and gift, I left on the kitchen counter for her to find, She called me this morning on her way to work, crying,(we are going thru a difficult time, trying to R, past **** from me that never really got resolved, rug swept, her light e/a with a male coworker recently thats over(confirmed,verified over!!! I'm sure!), which is also trying to be a rug sweept, which I will no longer allow, I told her we can no longer go around our problems we have to work thru them together)...

the poem I wrote was basically said to help me tear down the walls, let me in, kinda stuff...I've wrote several for her over the years..I've read everything under the sun, HNHN, 5LL, MMSL,not just friends, no mr nice guy, hold onto ur nuts, the passionate marrige, all over TAM, Mort fertel, I/C . I've
working out, havent been in this good of shape since my early thirties being a better me for me and I kinda like me know, way better place emotionaly and physicaly..
she wants nothing to do with the books or working on them together at this point and she is going to I/C...

My LL is physical touch, kisses,hugs, massage-non-sexaul touch and of course sex, making love and plain ole screwin sometimes...
She just gave me the she really dosent like sex and never really has talk ( she dosent like to recieve oral, or really be touched)
...wow..I was like ok, all the times you initaited, the times you called my name and pulled me in, umm ok i dont buy it, whats up? she says she feels pressuerd to have sex and I agree with that and said I feel pressuerd not to have sex, it's OUR problem what are WE going to do about it..I explained how its important to me, its how I feel loved, connected,bonded....now I'm not one of those guys that rolls over and goes to sleep, to me after,is just as important as before, still hugging, kissing, rubbing, looking into her eyes talking softly.....

to this day 15years later, when she walks thur the door when she comes home from work, she takes my breath away, like the first time I ever saw her, almost sureal, she the most beautiful thing Ive ever seen (yes i tell her that often)...she is the only woman who I have ever kissed that makes my legs feel like jelly and my knees almost start knocking,(i know sounds wired from a guy) i also tell her about that too, she sees it in my eyes says how they sprakle when I look at her sometimes....

So for now I'm backing off on expecting sex, we are enjoyin each other, date nights, long talks, spending time together,emotionaly trying to reconnect, so we'll see what happens, we agreed to shelve any big issues right now because of some other major things in our lives right now, and have made a target date of when to really start addressing everything M/C the whole nine yards, and i realise that things have to be talked about, either she will be all in or all out, I'll know in my heart if it dosent work out I really did it the best I had and then some...I'm prepared for a way better marriage or to move on, I'm hoping she wants the marriage


----------



## jgayle01 (Jan 19, 2011)

Here's my two cents:
Put the shoe on the other foot. What if it were YOU who was the lousy lover?
After 4 yrs of super hot sex, my sex life fell off after I had a baby and didn't recover. For almost two yrs, my husband I had sex maybe once a month, sometimes not even that much. Our marriage was in the toilet, he was on medication, had lost his job, and we were always broke. Plus I thought he was cheating. I thought all this was why the sex was rotten, on the few times we did it.
Then the marriage got better. He got a job. We got a new house. His health got better and eventually he got off the medication. But the sex was still lousy and still not more frequent. I thought my husband HAD to be cheating. No what he told me? I had gained a lot of weight and I was too "loose" down there.
I was absolutely horrified, humiliated, hurt, ashamed, embarrassed and angry.
BUT WAIT: IF I DIDN'T WANT TO KNOW THE ANSWER, I SHOULDN'T HAVE ASKED THE QUESTION, RIGHT?
Wrong. I DID want to know the answer. As hurt as I was, after about two weeks of feeling like I should divorce him and that he didn't love me, I pulled it together. I joined a women's boot camp and found out that kegle (sp?) exercises can help "tighten" it back up. I lost about 10 lbs in a month and half. Even though this was not my ultimate goal 40 lbs, just that little bit helped!!!
NOW...after that happy ending, I can say that YOU NEED TO TELL YOUR HUSBAND THE TRUTH, BUT DO IT IN LOVE. That's where my husband got a big fat "F". If he doesn't last long enough, or isn't "big" enough, what do you expect him to do to fix that? If you can't think of a solution, what do you think he will come up with? Before you bring up a problem, be ready to offer a solution that could really work, not just something to smooth it over. I don't know where you live, but candles and music don't make a man's stuff "bigger", but maybe losing weight, building up his stamina and eating oysters would help. Offer solutions that could actually FIX THE PROBLEM. And above all, DO IT IN LOVE. If you can't find a loving way to do it, wait until you can. Just remember me and my story. What if HE came at YOU that way?


----------



## Trying180 (Feb 13, 2012)

Thank you for posting! Physically I would say we complement each other. Other than his recent weight loss I find him good looking but not sexually desirable, but, only because of the mental issues. I am desired. Physically I can change very little nor do I feel the need sense his desire is not lacking. just performance. If anything its his overwhelming desire that is causing the problem. Its all in his head. The better he wants to be the more he thinks about it, the more overwhelmed he gets, the worse he reacts, the worse I react.


----------



## Trying180 (Feb 13, 2012)

Yep, even grabbing his hand and coaching him....soon as I let my hand go...he forgets... Or stopping him...Its well beyond coaching..its not lasting long enough for me to even get a word out. I tell him kiss me here...he kisses me over there. Its so frustrating.


----------



## SprucHub (Jan 13, 2012)

Hopefully, your request was not "deeper". Maybe the written approach will be more effective - less emotionally charges and accusative (not necessarily a problem with the delivery, but many people are not good at taking constructive criticism). Also, books and tapes may be good at describing how he can "last longer", but there is no sure fire method and added pressure likely won't help. Maybe. try intermittent penetration and other activities.


----------



## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

It's a cinch that saying nothing will result in nothing.
My ex always insisted that her health prevented her from wanting intimacy. What I was unaware of was she was seeing other guys when I was away trying to make a buck to keep a roof over her and hers head.
When she was finally ready to call it quits with me, she showed me a video of her with two of her "friends" doing what she really wanted in the way of sex.
One look at those two monkeys convinced me that I would never be able to provide what she wanted and it was all over.
I only wish she would have mentioned the requirements before she let two of the better guys knock her up and I could have started looking elsewhere twenty years earlier.


----------



## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Trying180 said:


> Thank you for posting! Physically I would say we complement each other. Other than his recent weight loss I find him good looking but not sexually desirable, but, only because of the mental issues. I am desired. Physically I can change very little nor do I feel the need sense his desire is not lacking. just performance. If anything its his overwhelming desire that is causing the problem. Its all in his head. The better he wants to be the more he thinks about it, the more overwhelmed he gets, the worse he reacts, the worse I react.


Perhaps breaking it down into smaller actions for him will help? Rather than have him work on 17 actions at the same time, point out one thing that you want him to incorporate and start from there.


----------



## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Trying180 said:


> Yep, even grabbing his hand and coaching him....soon as I let my hand go...he forgets... Or stopping him...Its well beyond coaching..its not lasting long enough for me to even get a word out. I tell him kiss me here...he kisses me over there. Its so frustrating.


Try grabbing the back of his HEAD - not his HAND! And DON'T let him go until you are finished or he passes out!


----------



## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

Dont give up, just keep, errrr........ ummmmm....uhhhh.....grinding away at the problem......


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Take turns with who gets to orgasm first...

C


----------



## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Well, you can talk all you want, and your partner can listen to every word. But, for some those words are only heard with their ears, and not their hearts.

And, if you find yourself in that situation, then you will have to look at what other things you can try to escalate or address the situation.

What else have you tried besides the talking? Do you have a good grasp on what he needs and desires in the marriage (not just in sex, but overall)?

How is his attitude in other areas outside of the bedroom? Is he only selfish and lackadaisical in the bedroom, or is this his general demeanor overall?

One thing that seems to turn on a lot of men, is to have a confident woman - not one that is pushy, not one that is a patsy, not one that is clingy or needy - but one who is confident in their life and with their sexuality - one that can help build up and re-affirm his confidence and sexuality.

Best wishes.


----------



## Trying180 (Feb 13, 2012)

Well I've decided. We are going to have sex every day for 2 weeks. No matter what. Lets see how this works.


----------



## jgayle01 (Jan 19, 2011)

So how's it going? :smthumbup:


----------



## lovinmyhubby223 (Jan 31, 2012)

He has to be open to the instruction which should come from his want to please you. If he doesn’t care if you’re having a good time or not then the problem lies with him. All you can do is help him help you but he has to be accepting of that help.

I’ve read a lot of books on this subject and the one message that seems to be universal with regard to “getting what you want” in bed is to not criticize. Keep your instruction positive. Don’t say “don’t do that, do this” because they take that as criticism which is a shot to their ego. Be encouraging. When he does something you like, let him know. “Yes, like that, right there, that’s perfect” or when he’s on the right track but not quite there say something like “Oh, just a little lower, just a little harder, just a little softer”. 

In the end you’ve gotten your message a crossed and he doesn’t feel like he’s been schooled.
Good Luck!


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Trying you are really an inspiration. You are trying everything and not giving up easily. I think if we all did what you are doing we would have more great marriages not so many ok ones. 

It's obvious that you love your husband. I hope he feels that. He seems to need to get out of his own head and think of you and not his brushed ego. If he does not make that transition, nothing you do will make much of a difference.

May I make a suggestion? Instead of having more sex right now, why not start all over again. Take a week moratorium on sex. Plan a little trip alone and talk about how you want to start making love again. Read and come to a mutual decision - sex is a mutually satifying bonding experience. Each person should forcus on their partner. Start small. Giving each other messages minus genital areas, one at a time. He gives you and you direct him and you do the same. make it relaxed and fun. No expectation of sex. 

After you get good at giving to each other without direction then move onto more sexual touching. Just touch in ways that are arrousing. Agree not to move to the next stage until you are taking care of each other at the previous stages. Establish a goal of what you want your love life to be like and work you way towards that. 

Focus on each other and not what you are getting out of it. Agree that if one or both has a self focus, the relationship can not move forward and will die a natural death. Your husband will have a hard time finding a woman who will have sex with him for a sustained period of time if he is affronted by having to adjust. Each woman if different what is good for you may not work for the next woman.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

lovinmyhubby223 said:


> He has to be open to the instruction which should come from his want to please you. If he doesn’t care if you’re having a good time or not then the problem lies with him. All you can do is help him help you but he has to be accepting of that help.
> 
> I’ve read a lot of books on this subject and the one message that seems to be universal with regard to “getting what you want” in bed is to not criticize. Keep your instruction positive. Don’t say “don’t do that, do this” because they take that as criticism which is a shot to their ego. Be encouraging. When he does something you like, let him know. “Yes, like that, right there, that’s perfect” or when he’s on the right track but not quite there say something like “Oh, just a little lower, just a little harder, just a little softer”.
> 
> ...


There is some really good advice in this reply, in my opinion. I've been married 25 years. My wife and I feel like a good sex life was the only thing that got us through the struggles of the last couple of years, when her bipolar depression swung out of control. Our sex life is usually more of a tantric nature, but I also tend to be a very driven person married to a woman who appreciates this. I'm very fortunate that my wife seems to enjoy what we call our long weekends in bed just as much as I do. 

I have to admit that in the OP, I winced and was afraid that this summary of the problem has to come through in the tone when the two of you are together. I don't want to take away from the fact that he is very selfish in his lovemaking. Holy cow, is he ever selfish!!! And with the way that you have approached this, trying everything and opening yourself to having your pride hurt, you deserve so much success.

Its very common for couples to get into the mindset that the bulk of all sex discussions are in what the guy needs to improve his lovemaking. Leaves one to think that most men are terrible in bed, and it all comes natural to women. Maybe that is the case, but the problem comes when the tone between individuals shifts so that the husband is being schooled. He's always being held to a standard - his wife's standard, without the equal focus of his own inner needs in sex. People will argue all day long that this approach is justified, but it doesn't seem to really help with actually getting the satisfaction in sex. It helps when partners approach sex with a basic expectation that both partner's needs are equal and justified, in my opinion. 

There could be a couple of explanations that stand out in this scenario: 1 - he's selfish and doesn't care. 2 - the subject of sexual pleasure has become very intimidating to him, and he is too immature to address it. So, he changed his goal to just getting by. Very few guys even know how to express these needs for a feeling of acceptance, but most who have it become much more focused on their wife's pleasure as a result. 

If he's not a selfish jerk, then maybe the approach is to encourage what he does well, and make sure that the only vibe he gets is that you want mutual fulfillment. I have my own opinions about grabbing his hand to show him how it should be done. Definately cements the relative importance of the roles if he is intimidated. Probably dates us, but the material we used early in our marriage made a sharp distinction between enticing and inviting, versus the negative demanding and grabbing types of sexual communication.


----------



## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

Reading these makes me realize how really blessed we are in our marriage. My wife is great about giving me feedback about what she needs. During oral she will tell me things like higher, lower, lighter, flatter tongue, etc. I am glad she does this...I can't feel what she needs! I tell her also, although guys are so much easier that I rarely need to. Maybe it is because our communication in general is good. Maybe it is because we are each others one and only since we got married at 16 and 17. We read a book together called "Your Long Erotic Weekend" a couple of years ago. One day focuses on her pleasure, the next day on mine, the next day we have pleasure together and the next day is spent developing a "good for life sex plan." 

I wish that I could somehow help all of you in the situation you are in.


----------



## Diolay (Jan 25, 2012)

I cannot stress enough to be very careful about when teaching your man about your personal touches. (Likes dislikes etc).

Most men have, for want of a better term, a list of what to do to please a woman. What's more, they are constantly looking to improve on that list with their current partner. While some things work with a previous partner, these may not necessarly work with their current partner.

When she says, "That doesn't work for me" or "You're doing that wrong", he will cross that item off the list. If that item is not replaced with something else, eventually, there will be no list. 

What happens then? His mind becomes a buzz with "What can I do? Maybe if I, nope. Hang on a minute, she doesn't like that. What about, oops, nope, can't do that either". Sex becomes complicated and hard work. Even when they are having sex, he will be self concious about what he's doing. Being careful not to let himself go. He can't relax and definatly cannot feel and always fearful of getting carried away.

Sex starts to become mechanical and any feeling of making love get buried as he keeps his emotions in check. The pleasure of sex and what it's supposed to be about is now lost.

Eventually, it will get to a point where he aviods sex altogether. After all, what's the point? It's way too complicated.


----------



## Lionelhutz (Feb 2, 2012)

My own personal conviction is most cases of long term sexlessness is not simply a matter of bad sexual techniques.

My wife is extremely orgasmic and in fact the second last time we had sex she had an intense g-spot orgasm that made her cry. She has never had a problem having an orgasm unless she has had too much to drink. 

As much as I would like to take credit for her ability to orgasm, I know it is mostly just a question of her physiology.

Her problem is no so much being able to orgasm, its the lack of desire to have an orgasm.

In any event, I have always been open to anyway to give her a bigger thrill. I can't imagine taking offence to any suggestion for improvement unless it was stated with intentional cruelty, or it was a question of dishonesty. In other words, if several years into the relationship she were to suddenly admit that she has been faking it all along, then the lack of trust would put a huge dent in my sexual interest in her.


----------

