# Good Day, Bad Day, Loop De Loo!!!



## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Countdown has begun. Aug. 30 is my court date for another failure in my life. Whether it was from my own doing, or from circumstance or from another's, it still is.
I say failure, I guess im just at the point that a lot that I have put so much into has not come to fruition throughout so many things. However this WAS the most valuable to me of it all. "Family." It was the pinnacle of my value as a man, the one singular thing that had any real value left within my mind. Perhaps some may say my goal was set too low, but this was a dream I have always had. To have a family. My goals were to watch them open presents on christmas morning, my goals were to decorate the house for halloween, to fill the house with the smell of pies and turkey roasting on thanksgiving. To teach them to fish and to garden, to establish a continuance of the most joyful of experiences in familial tradition that I truly loved as a child myself and have come to count as so completely necessary as an adult, and this was how it was for many years. 

Yet this particular instance was not my doing at least. As many say there was a failure of us both for this to fall apart, I decline that assumption, for no man can force a woman to keep from cheating, or overspending which results in no means with which to entertain her, no man can force another beyond mere hope, that they will remain faithful. No man can prevent another man from stepping in and luring his wife with lies and promises. We are simply powerless, when limerance develops for another.
Fickle and full of Hollywood expectations among the real perserverence that is living, she found herself unhappy by her own hand. Not by mine. She found herself unhappy by absorbing the unrealistic lies of hollywood's filth and the dictation of filthy authors, saying, you have not lived, and you are not whole... Upon offering attention and devotion I received a stiff arm to the face instead, and requests for patience and "understanding". In which again I thought was also my duty. Surely my only fault in this was not to have succumbed to the necessity to think otherwise in marrying her long ago. But then we wouldnt have had that beautiful child. And I absolutely never regret that.

I do however, despise that total lack of personal culpability that she feels, and the complete blissful ignorance of how deeply her betrayal has affected everyone. Were it her, to speak, it would simply be how "she" is affected. Oh you martyr. You kind and gentle martyr, so loving you are to "free" us from your own sense of unhappiness, (you know, since "that" has become the explanation of the problem). Lets count the cheating adultress that she became, as a condition of the real illness...

What happens? I get my child stripped away from me for half the time, no longer do I get to be there every moment, to watch her grow, to experience. I also, incidentally, get to pay for it with money! I essentially get to pay for my wife's adultery in terms of cash for the next ten years, and in terms of what was firstly the most important, valuable thing to me in my life among anything, being torn away, I now reside a fifty-percenter. I am doled out a percentage of time,,,, a percentage.
How reflective of my fatherhood, my husbandry, my longsuffering of the sickness that was my wife's approach to marriage, integrity, honesty,,,,,, Let me now quantify that to a stranger, and accept their judgement of it, in their black robe.

To know, that the level of depth of this horrible thing is unrecognized, and unrealized makes me physically ill. To see my stbxw skipping along like everything is just dandy. To self medicate and ease her soul, to attribute it to some dutiful act of martyrdom for our greater benefit. Ha! To see her reading self-help materials reserved for those who are victims, as opposed to those who are murderers. Yes, let YOU be stronger in the results of this, let YOU find some growth in this devestation you have caused. It is as if I shake the very hand of the man who stole my wife and family away, in greeting.

No, we cannot still be friends. You say you need me in your life, but to be close to you is to fall upon this sword again, and again. I cant explain the depth of which your chosen actions and lack of realization of its destruction literally exhausts the last thread of mere pity I have for you. To stand next to you is to be an "Actor" and a liar my own self. To gasp for breath when there is no oxygen, like blackwater.
You murderer of family, you vile, soulless stretching of flesh across bone. It escapes me how something so lacking in humanity can draw breath. What heart is there that pumps blood through your veins other than ignorant gravity per chance? What synapse could there be that triggers the drawing of air within?
And in your vast ignorance, in your utter shallow puddle of depth in thought, you ask such things of me as friendship.
I have been treated better by the most vicious of enemies. At least the results of their attacks have only been physical. Your attack has brought a living death for more than just myself. You who have taken from your own child her very safety, her vision of completeness, her father and mother, her family!! And you read your self-help articles as if you had some inherent right to not experience what you have caused others to.
You who in your childish impotent lust have sat across the table from your lover in secret in loving passion and promises, now pretend to care for our child's well-being, you wonderful mother, you wonderful caring deserving mother, it were as if you fed from your own milk, the level of selfishness I have witnessed,... It appalls me the complete vaccuous void that resides in you that stands as a soul. But I know it is there for I have emptied myself into it, have tossed my desires beside the road long ago, simply to cling to the moving vehicle. To look into a mirror is to see the face of an entire facade of a person, a fraud within a fraud, a lie upon a lie to cover up your poison marrow.

I am a GOOD man, and a GOOD dad, beyond any man you have ever known including your own father and brother. How it puzzles you to see your child say "I loooove you Daddy", as you have never said those words to your own father, whom cheated on your own mother, and brought you this pain you now inflict on your own family. He who will not call you on your birthday.
I brought such light into your life that you had no more shadow to stand within and you hated it, resented it, and extinguished it. Your safety net, your sense of self, exists purely in this "poor me" pity party of which you claim the birthright of your personality, gleaning from anyone around you an apology for your circumstances, which fed your life and soul. Pity had become the only love you would accept as real.
I have absolutely no understanding of this, no explanation I can offer for it, other than perhaps that you have become insane. 
And in the end I hope you suddenly become AWARE of yourself.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Oh Shoo... you write my words.

I see you are still holding onto a lot of anger and resentment and I can't blame you at all. I feel some of that but can't tell if it is still building awaiting to erupt or if its behind me already, slowly disappearing in the rear view mirror until I'm over the horizon.

In my marriage, SHE was the light and I offered a rock-steady foundation for her to anchor that light source, except to her anchors only hold things back. Without me, unless she finds something to anchor onto her light will just dissipate throughout the universe until it is no longer detectable - it will always be there but nobody will really notice. She will undoubtedly latch onto something else but with every moment that passes a little bit of her light fades to never shine back on those who love her.

She hasn't shone her light on my dark and mysterious places for ages and wouldn't see how infinitely deep I am, she never will now. I am in the dark and really can't see anything at all, but I will be grateful when a new light comes into my life.


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## Riverside MFT (Oct 5, 2009)

Wow Shooboomafoo, you could write 3-4 country songs off of that post. Your "failures" remind me of story that might be helpful.
*
Pushing Against the Rock *
I wanted to share this story as I think it can very much apply to a marriage. We sometimes may try very hard to make our marriage and families successful. When things don't go the way we expect, we sometimes tend to think that we are failing. Perceived failing in one area of our lives can lead to the perception that we are a complete failure in all of our lives.

*Pushing Against the Rock*
Author Unknown

There was a man who was asleep one night in his cabin when suddenly his room filled with light and the Savior appeared. The Lord told the man He had a work for him to do, and showed him a large rock in front of his cabin. The Lord explained that the man was to push against the rock with all his might. This the man did, day after day. For many years he toiled from sun up to sun down, his shoulders set squarely against the cold, massive surface of the unmoving rock pushing with all his might. Each night the man returned to his cabin sore and worn out, feeling that his whole day had been spent in vain. Seeing that the man was showing signs of discouragement, Satan decided to enter the picture placing thoughts into the man's mind such as; "You have been pushing against that rock for a long time and it hasn't budged. Why kill yourself over this? You are never going to move it? etc." Thus giving the man the impression that the task was impossible and that he was a failure.

These thoughts discouraged and disheartened the man even more. "Why kill myself over this?" he thought. I'll just put in my time, giving just the minimum of effort and that will be good enough." And that he planned to do until one day he decided to make it a matter of prayer and take his troubled thoughts to the Lord.

"Lord," he said, "I have labored long and hard in your service, putting all my strength to do that which you have asked. Yet, after all this time, I have not even budged that rock a half a millimeter. What is wrong? Why am I failing?"

To this the Lord responded compassionately, "My friend, when long ago I asked you to serve me and you accepted, I told you that your task was to push against the rock with all your strength, which you have done. Never once did I mentioned to you that I expected you to move it. Your task was to push. And now you come to me, your strength spent, thinking that you have failed. But, is that really so? Look at yourself. Your arms are strong and muscled, your back brown, your hands are callused from constant pressure, and your legs have become massive and hard.

Through opposition you have grown much and your abilities now surpass that which you used to have. Yet you haven't moved the rock.

But your calling was to be obedient, to push and to exercise your faith and trust in my wisdom, this you have done. I, my friend, I will now move the rock."
Originally posted at Improve My Marriage: Pushing Against the Rock


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Oh yeah Lon. I dont know if its "holding onto" resentment and anger, or just bearing it for now. One day I hope to unload it. 
With a kid involved, and the outcome of all this Divorce b.s., there is just nothing in the outcome that differentiates me from some of the obviously extremely lousy fathers/husbands/lovers/ etc.
I am the last one to take any "pride" or try to exhalt myself in any way, but I have seen some men make some huge mistakes, being careless and dishonorable in life and their marriages, and their wives had no choice but to divorce. Its extremely difficult to experience the exact same outcome for myself, despite my having done better. Again, not to try to make something more out of what I was and did, but even in that aspect, the value of even "doing better" is stripped away, as I am left with the same outcome they are.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Thanks for the story Brian.
I am not feeling too "strengthened" by being obedient and honoring my marriage, as it was the fruits of the labor seemed to be sour. Should I be happy with my percentage of time awarded for my efforts? I worry about the other side, the influence of my stbxw and her mother who remained unavailable to her (wife) as a child, and now evidently unavailable as a positive counselor at least.
These two living together, of which my daughter will spend the other percentage of her time with, will have their influence. 
As I was, I experienced very little affection (hug-type) from my wife throughout our marriage. I assumed it was simply her way. When in my own childhood both of my parents were loving and affectionate, and I came to recognize its emotional importance. 
Having been the same way towards my daughter, the always available hug, the always available person to get close to, she prefers to sit in daddys lap as opposed to fighting with the notebook computer in front of mommy,,,, She is going to suffer the loss of that, and have to deal with the same emotional vacancy that I did in my marriage. 
Still, I thought that with constant pushing of that rock, I would eventually lead by example and finally my wife would realize the value to simple affection. It did at times seem better, but what was withheld from me also seemed readily available to this OM. How simple that seemed to be, as well. Just destroys me.

As I said in my earlier post, the "results" of it all, this whole life, the whole experience, ending in divorce, leaves me in no better standing than a man who never went outside and pushed against the rock.


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## Riverside MFT (Oct 5, 2009)

Yup, this is definitely not what you bargained for. It is like investing tons of money, time, and energy into a company that you thought was going to be a fortune five hundred. Little did you know that that company ended up going through bankrupty and now you have nothing to show for that time, money, and energy. You are at the bottom again trying to figure out what to do. I am so sorry that you are having to deal with this right now.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Shooboomafoo said:


> Oh yeah Lon. I dont know if its "holding onto" resentment and anger, or just bearing it for now. One day I hope to unload it.
> With a kid involved, and the outcome of all this Divorce b.s., there is just nothing in the outcome that differentiates me from some of the obviously extremely lousy fathers/husbands/lovers/ etc.
> I am the last one to take any "pride" or try to exhalt myself in any way, but I have seen some men make some huge mistakes, being careless and dishonorable in life and their marriages, and their wives had no choice but to divorce. Its extremely difficult to experience the exact same outcome for myself, despite my having done better. Again, not to try to make something more out of what I was and did, but even in that aspect, the value of even "doing better" is stripped away, as I am left with the same outcome they are.


We are definitely carved from the same stone. I too feel like a failure, in fact have failed myself in so many ways, but my family was the last thing I was ever going to let fail. And I think it did, so I am completely broken. I am no better than the abuser who also has pushed away everything good from his life. I realize that I am not the abuser and know I am so much better but where has that gotten me and where will it take me? Sure I've had a great attitude, it wasn't always so easy to keep myself going but I have, then the most important person in my life walks away to find someone else, how the fvck am I supposed to take that? I have a chance to make life good again, but isn't it just setting myself up to be in this same place again, I can't really do anything differently, I know there is someone out there for me that would probably have made all the difference, but I have yet to find her - I thought I already had twice in my life now (my W and a serious longterm gf that ended a few years before my W) there has been nobody else and I don't want to waste another decade life is too precious. Sure there have been some good moments, but like a mortgage I thought you take the good with the bad and the bad tends to be front loaded. I guess its not. WTF does pushing a rock half your life and going nowhere get you? Sounds very lonely to me, and you just end up with a worn out body at the end and no one to share any joy with. Sorry thats just not the kind of life I want, the kind I've been holding out 35 years for, and so now once again I got to keep myself going and find something else to try to find my joy. I do appreciate and respect the learning process, but what is my real mission, to toil my life away? no thanks.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Thats one of the things that gets me about the whole Nice guy, alpha vs. beta, string of hogwash. It takes more strength in a man to be a man of honor, and yet my wife grows bored with me? Does this mean I have to be an axxhole to be desired? And then that calls to question what kind of woman would that be? I wonder if a woman that appreciates someone thats not a game-player even exists anymore. Imagine the upkeep!! Someone that sees the value in the areas that I see it as well. I dont think either of us are broken for good, but we sure as Hell took a good thrashing. One that affects us in the ways that it does because of how strongly we value these things weve lost or been pushed from. I sit around the restaurant sometimes and look around me and see people at tables with their husband/wives, and they have their noses buried in an IPhone. Completely oblivious to the presence and time they have while alive, being spent with that other person. What a waste of time. 
Do nice guys always finish last, or is it that the judges of the race lack integrity and character?
I have heard reference to people being "damaged goods". To think that someone of such little ultimate consequence as my wife, could affect me so deeply like this, sort of hits the old esteem button. I cant let her though. I cant let her effect me that deeply, as to lose the value in my character, or practice of it. Let her go fishing for alphas, or betas, or whomever. If any redeeming quality exists it would be simply that "I" know that "I" did right, and her fallacy does not define me. But it did hurt a lot to have the trust and eventually marriage destroyed. I gotta let that be her doing, even if she doesnt think so, it was, and i was always available to work whatever out. She cheated, and the results are terrible in so many ways. Even in ways that actually do not involve her at all. 
I will tell you though, I am going to be a helluva lot more discerning in whom I involve myself with. I may never find someone, and the first woman that tells me she doesnt own an IPhone wins. LOL. 

No, really, I never saw this coming, what I did see that brought suspicion was discussed and I was lied to about it all. 
I hope to find someone to share a joyful life with, but I am a LOT more concerned about things "down the road" then I used to be.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Shooboomafoo said:


> Thats one of the things that gets me about the whole Nice guy, alpha vs. beta, string of hogwash. It takes more strength in a man to be a man of honor, and yet my wife grows bored with me? Does this mean I have to be an axxhole to be desired? And then that calls to question what kind of woman would that be? I wonder if a woman that appreciates someone thats not a game-player even exists anymore. Imagine the upkeep!! Someone that sees the value in the areas that I see it as well. I dont think either of us are broken for good, but we sure as Hell took a good thrashing. One that affects us in the ways that it does because of how strongly we value these things weve lost or been pushed from. I sit around the restaurant sometimes and look around me and see people at tables with their husband/wives, and they have their noses buried in an IPhone. Completely oblivious to the presence and time they have while alive, being spent with that other person. What a waste of time.
> Do nice guys always finish last, or is it that the judges of the race lack integrity and character?
> I have heard reference to people being "damaged goods". To think that someone of such little ultimate consequence as my wife, could affect me so deeply like this, sort of hits the old esteem button. I cant let her though. I cant let her effect me that deeply, as to lose the value in my character, or practice of it. Let her go fishing for alphas, or betas, or whomever. If any redeeming quality exists it would be simply that "I" know that "I" did right, and her fallacy does not define me. But it did hurt a lot to have the trust and eventually marriage destroyed. I gotta let that be her doing, even if she doesnt think so, it was, and i was always available to work whatever out. She cheated, and the results are terrible in so many ways. Even in ways that actually do not involve her at all.
> I will tell you though, I am going to be a helluva lot more discerning in whom I involve myself with. I may never find someone, and the first woman that tells me she doesnt own an IPhone wins. LOL.
> ...


Shoo and Lon, count us 3! I too am feeling the pain more about the shame and embarressment of giving 36 years of my life, blood, sweat, and tears. Faithfulness, giving all to raise 3 children in a loving, nurturing environment only to have it all end as if I was a mere CAD, a player in the game of infidelity.

I lost what I worked towards my entire life (yes, I consider 36 years out of 50 and entire lifetime). I failed, and in the end, it was no different a failure as the man that cheated and betrayed his wife and family. I, like you, am trying to come to grips with this. How is it that my pushing against that rock with all my ability, ended up no differently than the man who did minimal effort to push that rock? It is very humiliating to me and a tremendous loss. All of my actions and good deeds went unappreciated. I was told I was not a man that could keep her happy, and I was told that I was not a fun person to be with. I was called many things of which I have forgiven her for but the lack of appreciation for my dedication, respect, honour, love, empathy, support, sacrifice, you name it was evident in lieu of the things that she said I lacked for her. She said that there was no doubt that there could not have been a better father for her children, but that my role as a husband was a failure. It is obvious that it went unnoticed. I wasn't enough.

And with all of that, she is now wanting to try a reconciliation! I have agreed but this time around with conditions that will bring me respect and will make me feel appreciated. We have a long road ahead of us, challenges where there shouldn't be challenges (i.e., she says that my parents think she is dead to them - which at this time, I can not deny). Regrets that need to be dealt with, resentment that needs to be attoned for. I will not be a doormat again and I will certainly not be used as a dart board at her disposal. I will need to be understanding about her resentment, but she will need to ask for forgiveness for her actions and words to me.

Although I am not greiving and suffering as much as you and Lon are because, in my case, there was no adultery committed on her part, I feel no less cheated and abandoned than you for my loss. It is with a pained heart that I feel for you both; I do not know what makes us lean and depend on this powerful love that we have/had for our SO's. These last few months of my life have made me feel like we were/are fools when we hand our hearts over to the care and trust of another. I have become hardened to the emotion of love and trust; it is difficult for me to say if I will ever will stop safegaurding my heart. I can say that I am more aware of what my expectations and needs will be next time around - either with my W or someone else. I am also aware of what it is I need to give them in return.

Shoo, your opening post was very powerful and full of anger. It is good that you put it all down on here. I think you really let us all know how deeply she cut you; mowed you down like a soldier being slaughtered trying to take the hill. Bits and pieces of your soul strewn across the field. Hang in there, you have no way to go but up!


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## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

My heart goes out to you all in our shared pain.
However, life does go on and you can provide the Thanksgiving, the Christmas and the new family traditions.

This is what is happening right now to me:

STBXH flipped out in March 2011
Divorce in 5 days
Unemployment has stopped
No job prospects (look everyday)
Mortgage payments and living expenses and no money
Rear ended 2 wks ago
Lost 3/4 diamond 2 wks ago

But I am having a crash course in trust and faith in God or so I have been told.

You know if someone told me last year, that I would be going through this next year; I would say I would never be able to handle the unbelievable pain and litany of bad luck. You know, I did not know the strength I actually have.

I still cry and feel abandoned but I am going to get through this and I will NOT give up on myself. I will live for myself and for those that love me and I will wake up and go to bed each night, thanking God for giving me the strength to be there for other people and for being there for myself. I will NOT pity myself. I will learn.

Sorry didn't mean to sound cruel, just giving myself a pep talk. I will put down the poms poms and retire from this thread.

Hugs to all.


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