# Cheating Spouses: Their Affair and Their Kids



## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

*This is an interesting article with comments.*

Cheating Spouses: Their Affair and Their Kids

By Doug on August 17, 2010 in Dealing with Infidelity, Forgiving Infidelity, Healing From Infidelity 

We received an email from one of our blog readers who asked us to share a letter that her daughter wrote to her husband. The letter shows the effects that an affair has on the children of those involved. 

Cheating spouses don’t always realize (or don’t care) what their actions do to the psyche of kids. Often they think that the child will take their side, are resilient or simply won’t care. This letter demonstrated clearly that that is not always the case. In fact, I venture to say that this letter reflects more accurately how a child feels about a parent’s marital affair in most instances.

I know that when I was in the middle of my emotional affair with Tanya, I felt that sure, if my kids ever found out they would be upset and distraught, but the “affair fog” that I was in clouded my judgment and I was convinced that they would soon get over it and be able to move on with little after effects. I now know just how stupid that mindset was.

(read the rest here)


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

There have been some WS here on TAM who vehemently maintain that their affair never hurt their kids.

I do not share that view.
Affairs hurt every member of the family in one way or another.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Pluto2 said:


> There have been some WS here on TAM who vehemently maintain that their affair never hurt their kids.
> 
> I do not share that view.
> Affairs hurt every member of the family in one way or another.


If you read the comments below the article there are many BS who agree with you and so do I. I've seen it first hand and it's not pretty.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Good article. The more information about this that gets out can only help.

Children are absolutely devastated by infidelity.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

I think it is true for the majority of cases.

But, my aunt's case had the opposite effect. Her ex was a drug/addict/dealer. He was not before they got married. Anyways, when the BS in this case leaves the children as beggers as well because he spent the money on drugs, they lost their love for him and do not care what happens to him.

My aunt got into an affair and she eventually married her affair partner. My cousins love their new father and they are doing well to this day. They are in college and earning their degree that their new father is helping and financially supporting them through.

The relationship has lasted about 15 years as well. Again, an outlier of a case.

P.S. He eventually ended in prison and no one really cares if he is out or not, my cousin and aunt have no contact with him.

It was not all roses, they had to go through therapy to deal with the anger and resentment, but he stuck by their side. The BS, her ex, did a number on their mental well-being. Again, I know it is an outlier.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Mr.Fisty said:


> I think it is true for the majority of cases.
> 
> But, my aunt's case had the opposite effect. Her ex was a drug/addict/dealer. He was not before they got married. Anyways, when the BS in this case leaves the children as beggers as well because he spent the money on drugs, they lost their love for him and do not care what happens to him.
> 
> ...


This is absolutely an outlier - that being said its great your aunt and her kids got away from a drug addict. :thumbup:


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Truthseeker1 said:


> This is absolutely an outlier - that being said its great your aunt and her kids got away from a drug addict. :thumbup:



Thanks, aftr his arrest, they found out more about him that they had no clue about. Illegal possession of a fire arm, and charges of assault.

It is not like they are fully recovered either, and will carry the scars that their father left them. Far as I know, their father does not reach out to them either, and if he did, they do not talk about him.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Mr.Fisty said:


> Thanks, aftr his arrest, they found out more about him that they had no clue about. Illegal possession of a fire arm, and charges of assault.
> 
> It is not like they are fully recovered either, and will carry the scars that their father left them. Far as I know, their father does not reach out to them either, and if he did, they do not talk about him.


In a case like this the father has left his kids with the scars. Sounds like a dangerous man for children to be around. Your aunt is lucky she was able to get away without anyone getting physically hurt.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

ConanHub said:


> Good article. The more information about this that gets out can only help.
> 
> Children are absolutely devastated by infidelity.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes they are - cheating takes a bulldozer to the entire family.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

My opinion is that infidelity affects everyone within the immediate family. I think all the affects it has are negative except on rare occasions as mr fisty described. The children are robbed of time, time they could have spent with that parent but the parent was absent. Security, that after exposure to the BS they wonder what will now happen to their parents. Will they stay in the same home? Will they go to the same school? 

So many facets of infidelity affect more then just the WS and BS. The tentacles of infidelity reach far and wide, and they don't discriminate against anyone. Children are affected in many ways and I only listed a few.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

drifting on said:


> My opinion is that infidelity affects everyone within the immediate family. I think all the affects it has are negative except on rare occasions as mr fisty described. The children are robbed of time, time they could have spent with that parent but the parent was absent. Security, that after exposure to the BS they wonder what will now happen to their parents. Will they stay in the same home? Will they go to the same school?
> 
> So many facets of infidelity affect more then just the WS and BS. The tentacles of infidelity reach far and wide, and they don't discriminate against anyone. Children are affected in many ways and I only listed a few.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree: Well said!!! It also strains relationships with extended family and friends. It is a wrecking ball. I equate it with using nuclear weapons to settle a trade dispute among nations. Whatever the problems in the marriage this is not the way to go about solving them. Cheaters never think about collateral damage do they?


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## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

I agree that it is devastating to the kids in most cases. I just found out last week that my husband asked my son to keep secrets about his affairs from me for three years. "Don't tell your Mom this or that." kind of stuff. Putting my children in the middle of his selfishness and including them so deceitfully has and still is taking a toll on my son and the rest of my children. So sad that the wayward spouse turns into something that no on recognizes.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Truthseeker1 said:


> :iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree: Well said!!! It also strains relationships with extended family and friends. It is a wrecking ball. I equate it with using nuclear weapons to settle a trade dispute among nations. Whatever the problems in the marriage this is not the way to go about solving them. Cheaters never think about collateral damage do they?




I can only say in my case, no, my WW didn't think of anyone, family or not. My WW worked with her OM and on his last day he placed an envelope on my WW desk. Inside was letter written by OMW, it was harsh to read, but what shocked me was that was the first time she thought of OM family. I remember saying to her a few days after she got the letter, "you don't think maybe they are going through this too?" At times I'm glad she never thought about OM or his family, yet at the same time I'm saddened by that too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

5Creed said:


> I agree that it is devastating to the kids in most cases. I just found out last week that my husband asked my son to keep secrets about his affairs from me for three years. "Don't tell your Mom this or that." kind of stuff. Putting my children in the middle of his selfishness and including them so deceitfully has and still is taking a toll on my son and the rest of my children. So sad that the wayward spouse turns into something that no on recognizes.




This is the worst way kids can be affected, asking them to lie to the other PARENT to continue feeding their selfish desires. I am so sorry your son was subjected to this. Best of luck to you both.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

Thank you drifting on. The worst thing is my son has been battling some very hard issues of his own and wasn't that strong to begin with; much less being invited into the lies with his father.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

5Creed said:


> I agree that it is devastating to the kids in most cases. *I just found out last week that my husband asked my son to keep secrets about his affairs from me for three years.* "Don't tell your Mom this or that." kind of stuff. Putting my children in the middle of his selfishness and including them so deceitfully has and still is taking a toll on my son and the rest of my children. So sad that the wayward spouse turns into something that no on recognizes.


Wow...that is just evil. Even though I've seen it a million time the selfishness of cheaters never ceases to amaze me.


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## badaboom (Feb 19, 2015)

Of course it hurts the kids, and everyone else around them (to varying degrees). My child doesn't know anything about her father having an affair and leaving us for another woman, but she still knows her father has left. She's already very upset by it and she's not even 2. Of course she will adjust, but she will live her entire life with one parent in one house, and one parent in another because her father did what he did. That might be her norm, but it doesn't mean she'll like it.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

badaboom said:


> Of course it hurts the kids, and everyone else around them (to varying degrees). My child doesn't know anything about her father having an affair and leaving us for another woman, but she still knows her father has left. She's already very upset by it and she's not even 2. Of course she will adjust, but she will live her entire life with one parent in one house, and one parent in another because her father did what he did. That might be her norm, but it doesn't mean she'll like it.


And when she is old enough to understand what exactly happened it is going to make things harder for her.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

5Creed said:


> Thank you drifting on. The worst thing is my son has been battling some very hard issues of his own and wasn't that strong to begin with; much less being invited into the lies with his father.




That is so sad, you've brought a tear to my eye for your son. I pray he gets stronger.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## badaboom (Feb 19, 2015)

Truthseeker1 said:


> And when she is old enough to understand what exactly happened it is going to make things harder for her.


It will indeed. Because I won't lie to her for him. And if (god forbid) he marries the ****bag, I will absolutely tell my child when she's at an appropriate age to know.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

badaboom said:


> It will indeed. Because I won't lie to her for him. And if (god forbid) he marries the ****bag, I will absolutely tell my child when she's at an appropriate age to know.


The truth usually comes out.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

drifting on said:


> That is so sad, you've brought a tear to my eye for your son. I pray he gets stronger.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Me too..children have enough hurdles in life without more being placed in front of them by selfish parents.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

MrFisty,

Your aunt certainly needed to get away from her scumbag ex....but does she realize her A was STILL stupid and endangered both the physical and mental health of her own kids?

POS guys like her exH are exactly the type of BH that is most likely to go off the deep end and shoot their WW's, the OM, and often even their own kids in a murder/suicide.

She should have D the trash instead of risking anything like that potentially happening....it was STILL a selfish and reckless decision, even if everything ended up better for all involved.

In my family's case, there is A LOT of dysfunction and issues resulting from the trashy choices of BOTH of my grandmothers.

They are both dead now....but I can say I DESPISE everything about them....if they were still alive, I promise you I would be that grandchild they never got to talk to or see again.

Egg donors....that's all they are to me....they played a role in how I came into the world....that's it.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I think that many of them do think about it, but don't care enough to let it stop them. I don't think they are deciding that the kids are resilient or that they will want their parent to be happy or that they won't ever really understand.

I think the WS's decide simply that they will cross that bridge when they come to it, if they ever do. Nothing will really stop them. Is it the fog? For me it is more that it is self-centeredness that then leads to situations that create an affair fog.

The children are just afterthoughts. It's probably the #1 thing about the stories here that upsets me.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

My XWW's affair certainly had a negative affect on my children and their relationship with their mother.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

"Is it the fog? For me it is more that it is self-centeredness that then leads to situations that create an affair fog.

The children are just afterthoughts. It's probably the #1 thing about the stories here that upsets me."

Exactly this.....I agree completely.

It's why I disagree 100% any time a person claims that a WS is a good parent....sorry, they suck as parents.

No good parent EVER endangers their children's living situations, happiness, and mental health to go screw around with some POS AP that could give two sh*ts about what happens to those kids.

They're disgusting people IMO.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

Conversation in the car between my 10 year old niece and BIL, (in front of cheating SIL):

Niece: Daddy can I ask you something?
BIL: Sure
Niece: When I'm older and get married and I want to take a break from my husband, can I move in with you?
BIL: No, you can't. Married people don't take breaks. They try and work things out together.

This conversation is a result of my SILs actions. Move out, move in, move out again. Have a "friend" that just seems to hang around a lot. Part of me thinks that my very smart and very observant niece asked this right in front my SIL to stick it to her.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

I've been around since just after WWII and grew up with some friends whose parents "tom catted around" and some parents who didn't. There wasn't a lot of difference in the way they turned out.
These days over indulging parents, buddy to their kids probably do more damage to their latch key kids than affairs did back in my childhood. But hey, if things go south with the kids, its not the parent fault. Its the government, schools, sugar consumption, air, and the media that's the blame.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Dyokemm said:


> It's why I disagree 100% any time a person claims that a WS is a good parent....sorry, they suck as parents.
> .


I completely agree. People talk as if the unfaithful behavior and the parental behavior are totally separate from one another. But how can they be? It's the same cheating person who is fading the kids to the background in their 'fabulous' & exciting life. The children see this; they sense it & hear & know so much more than these parents want to believe.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

Here is what I have witnessed about a serial cheater and his children

My wife’s father was an alcoholic and serial cheater. He finally left his wife when he was in his 50s and his new affair woman was in her 20s. He thought that he hit the jack pot! His new girlfriend stayed with him for less than a year then left him. He then finally wound up with another alcoholic cheater that was older than he was but had some money. They stayed together for 20+ years and they were absolutely miserable. It was pitiful as they would get drunk and cuss each other, fall down drunk, and they had very strong bitterness for each other. The only reason they stayed together was that they had their assets tied up with each other and nobody wanted an old, wrinkled, used serial cheater that was an alcoholic.


She died before he did and I did not see him shed one tear. He got colon cancer and had no one to care for him except my wife and her sister; two of the children that he harmed with his cheating. The other two children had no use for him except one milked him for money, when he was alive, because of his guilt and the other one never visited him for the last 20 years of his life and did not even attend the funeral.

When he was doubled over and on the floor with pain he called my wife and we went and got him help. My wife and her sister took him to the doctors and took care of his business for around a year then he died as they were watching over him in his home and I heard him take his last breath; a deep breath and then nothing.

My wife had forgiven him, had some emotional attachment to him but still had some scars and the other sister that cared for him was very distant with him without any noticeable emotional attachment and was performing duty care for him. His cheating really caught up to him in the last 20+ years and he did know that none of his children really loved him like they could have if he had not been such a cheater and loser. He sacrificed his relationship with his children for having moments of cheating sexual climaxes.

He did try and make up to his children for his 30+ years of cheating but it was mostly with money with him trying to buy love and respect and that does not work. He knew what he had done and spent a lot of money trying to get back what he had lost. What an emotional price he had to pay for having a climax two or three times a week for about 5-10 minutes each. That lasted a few years then he had misery for the last 20+ years of his life. There was no real love in all of his affairs.

My wife was the most forgiving and she showed him that she still had some love for him. I admire her for that.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

Mr.Blunt,

Your W's story reminded me a lot of my Dad's experience.

My grandmother ran off with a POS when he was 2, his older brother was 3, and his younger brother 1.

She never ever tried to reconnect with her boys until they were in their 20's....not even when my grandfather was killed in a boating accident when my dad was 15 and he and his brothers had to go live with other relatives.

Like one of your W's siblings, my dad never forgave his mom. He allowed her to meet us grandkids once when we were on a trip back east to visit family when I was 12...only time I ever met her.

A couple years later she got terminal cancer...begged my dad to come visit her...he refused, told her to forget about him and worry about herself since she was so close to death.....he did not attend her funeral.

My uncles were able to make their peace with her...I've spoken to both of them about it....they never were able to be close to her, but said they would occasionally visit with or call her.

Essentially though, my grandmother threw away her relationship with her kids for a POS drunk who left her within a couple years.

In addition, she lost her relationship with her own brothers, who my dad was close with his entire life....her two brothers never spoke to her again for as long as any of them lived.

I don't know much more about how my dad thinks about his mom....he refuses to really discuss her even 30 years after her death, and even with us, his own kids.

Personally, having dealt with a lot of family issues caused by infidelity on my mother's side (a whole other epic story) and my own experience with a LTgf cheating, I have zero desire to know anything about her anyway.

I despise her and thank my lucky stars that nothing of her sh*tty character ever rubbed off on my dad, who is one of the greatest and most honorable men I've ever known.

Thanks for sharing that story.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> Essentially though, my grandmother threw away her relationship with her kids for a POS drunk who left her within a couple years.


What a price to pay for some emotional spikes and a sexual climax!
A cheater gets to get excited once a day for around 5-15 minutes then lose their children. What a tragic life!


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Mr Blunt said:


> What a price to pay for some emotional spikes and a sexual climax!
> A cheater gets to get excited once a day for around 5-15 minutes then lose their children. What a tragic life!


Loses their children, their family and their dignity all for a cheap thrill...cheaters also seldom consider the collateral damage their cheating inflicts on innocent children...what a complete mess all around


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