# This Should Get Some Response!!!! LOL!!!!



## drivingmenutzkma (Sep 12, 2010)

So ok I think 95% of us all agree the "No Contact" rule is a must and works to either let yourself know to move on or helps to mend the problems in a broken relationship. 

What my question is...... "What is the best thing to text or say to a woman BEFORE going no contact for 30 days?" 

In other words if she has texted you and gave you down the road or if she has texted you begging for forgiveness, what do you feel is the best thing to say to a woman just prior to 30 days no contact and honestly you sticking to the no contact period????

Looking forward to many responses......


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

30 days of no contract with your partner so you can decide on the relationship? I've never heard of it before and it sounds silly. Either fix things together or move on. Even if you physically need to separate for a while, if you are planning to fix things then you need to be in contact and communicate.


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## jane1213 (Aug 10, 2012)

You can tell her that you need your space and you won't response or check any texts and that you will contact her when you are ready in about a month


If you want her to go crazy don't say anything just go dark . Depending on your woman she might want you more if you do this


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## edgya1234 (Apr 10, 2014)

drivingmenutzkma said:


> So ok I think 95% of us all agree the "No Contact" rule is a must and works to either let yourself know to move on or helps to mend the problems in a broken relationship.
> 
> What my question is...... "What is the best thing to text or say to a woman BEFORE going no contact for 30 days?"
> 
> ...


In her shoes I would expect a call and I will ignore a text If you really want to forgive her for something she did, give her a call invite her out for coffee and talk. 
I am a truly believer that you should make your own set of new "rules" together. 
I would just call her, act normal, ask about her well being and invite her for a coffee and a nice conversation - in the sense of non-accusatory one - an assertive one - I feel that..., I believe that... 
However it might be smart to let her start the talking.


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## jane1213 (Aug 10, 2012)

Why lol in the title? This thread doesn't make me smile let alone laugh out loud


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

You are doing it wrong OP.

First off, texting is for teenagers......girls.......NOT WOMEN

And for adults/women that do text, well.....smart ones know that texting is for "quick" messages only.

NOTHING serious that should be discussed face to face, in person.

Forget about 30 days, dump her for good.


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## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

Sounds immature and like a punishment rather than a means to fix things and figure out what you want. If you really don't know what you want and this is not a manipulative tactic then just say so. Tell her you don't know if this is right for you and you need some space to figure things out. I dont know what your circumstances are or the reasons behind your wanting this space. They may be valid but if I were her I would spend that time seriously considering whether I wanted to continue being with you. I wouldn't want to be with someone who wasn't sure about me or so unsure that they wanted zero contact for that long and I would be concerned about investing more of my time and feelings in someone who might turn around after some time and flake out again. I guess it depends on the circumstances but it would leave a bad taste in my mouth. I would really be questioning you .... Your intentions, feelings and seriousness about me, how you handle conflict, anger and hurt feelings and if you were really worth a second chance at the end of the designated time period . It really wouldn't go over well with me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Planning on having no contact for 30 days, isn’t really no contact. All that means is 30 days from now you will be in contact. Even making a plan for a dark period kind of defeats the purpose of itself. 

Texting is not the place to ask for forgiveness or really repairing any issues. Most problems are caused by a lack of communication to start with, trying to do anything in the limited world of a text is useless.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Well it all depends. If your out to make a point in most cases if you really want to send a message, then the best message is no message. 

Giving someone the silent treatment can drive them nuts and that should let the other person that your pissed at know pretty much how you feel.


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## drivingmenutzkma (Sep 12, 2010)

jane1213 said:


> Why lol in the title? This thread doesn't make me smile let alone laugh out loud


I didn't mean it as "LOL" over the subject matter, just meant lol toward hopefully allot of responses, nothing more. Been in your shoes and honestly nothing on the forum is technically "funny', it's a hard road, hard experience, I apologize if you took it that way because I didn't mean it that way.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I understand No Contact when a relationship ends, but not to fix problems in a relationship.

If my husband told me he wanted 30 days of no contact, I'd tell him to go f himself and leave.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

:scratchhead:


drivingmenutzkma said:


> So ok I think 95% of us all agree the "No Contact" rule is a must and works to either let yourself know to move on or helps to mend the problems in a broken relationship.
> 
> What my question is...... "What is the best thing to text or say to a woman BEFORE going no contact for 30 days?"
> 
> ...


I don't know where you got the idea that "no contact" will help mend the problems in a broken relationship. I think you misunderstand something.

You cannot fix problems without contact. It does not work that way. To fix things you have to have contact.

Use no-contact to end a relationship, not fix it.


I just read your thread about your (ex?)gf letting a male friend sleep at her house when he was drunk so that he did not drunk-drive.

So I have some questions on this.. where was he when he got drunk? Did he get drunk at her place? Did he get drunk somewhere else and then someone else drop him off at her place? Or did he get drunk and then drive drunk to her place?:scratchhead: 

I agree with others on that thread that it's not clear that she cheated.

It seems that the two of you have very different ideas of what your relationship is all about. The two of you need to discuss this and see if you can some to some agreement. If you cannot, then this is an issue that is a deal breaker since you feel very strongly that you cannot be in a dating relationship with a woman who allows a male friend to sleep off a drunk in her place.

Has she texted you asking forgiveness? Or anything else?


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

I agree... either clear it up or go no contact forever. 

30 days doesn't mean anything.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

drivingmenutzkma said:


> So ok I think 95% of us all agree the "No Contact" rule is a must and works to either let yourself know to move on or helps to mend the problems in a broken relationship.


You think wrong. 



drivingmenutzkma said:


> What my question is...... "What is the best thing to text or say to a woman BEFORE going no contact for 30 days?"


You're asking the wrong questions. It's like saying what note do I write before I jump off a bridge. How about, you don't write a note and you don't jump off a bridge?



drivingmenutzkma said:


> In other words if she has texted you and gave you down the road


What does this even mean?



drivingmenutzkma said:


> Looking forward to many responses......


Yes you seem to be looking for a lot of attention. Not necessarily solutions, just other people to reply. 

Well here you go. One more response for you.

As far as your situation with this woman goes.. as per your prior threads, she's trying to fix a broken marriage with her exhusband. That doesn't leave much room for you, sorry.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

drivingmenutzkma said:


> So ok I think 95% of us all agree the "No Contact" rule is a must and works to either let yourself know to move on or helps to mend the problems in a broken relationship.
> 
> What my question is...... "What is the best thing to text or say to a woman BEFORE going no contact for 30 days?"
> 
> ...


"Sorry, but I think you have the wrong number..."


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## drivingmenutzkma (Sep 12, 2010)

Well I disagree, I know that I have only made it 2 weeks and she started texting and calling continuously. So I do appreciate the no contact for 30 days. Many on this site should chime in and let us all know it works..... I have tried, but only made it 2 weeks.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Ok, this is still confusing, 30 days of no contact but 2 weeks in she contacts you yet you say you only made it 2 weeks? Is this the same woman you wrote about back last August who you broke up with then later she was trying to rekindle an old flame in October from scanning your past postings it appears that way. 

If she is texting or trying to call you is she asking to meet or address the issues? Do you want to make an attempt to repair the relationship or do you to be done with her? What is your goal here?


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

drivingmenutzkma said:


> I know that I have only made it 2 weeks and she started texting and calling continuously. So I do appreciate the no contact for 30 days.


How can you appreciate something that you never experienced?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I don't understand your goal. Have you broken up but she won't leave you alone? Do you want to get back together?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You went black on her in an attempt to manipulate her behavior.

Manipulation is not a good thing. This will most likely blow up on you.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

This texting carp is really killing me.

I have never texted 1 message in my entire life. Heck, I don't even know how to check texts on my smartphone.

If a women chooses to text me vs meet with me/hang out, maybe call me......last resort email me........she is probably not a woman I'm looking for?

ANYTHING SERIOUS should be talked about in PERSON!!!! Face to face.

Not even phone call or email.........TO ME, that's how adults should do it anyways.


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## drivingmenutzkma (Sep 12, 2010)

Well instead being rude maybe reread my initial message, which clearly states maybe taking a breather, a 30 day period to figure out if I want to be with this woman or it will cause us to miss each other and help us. 

One person even claims that she is "wanting to get back with her ex-husband, problem is she has never been married".

You know we all come on here for advice, not to be "given down the road or belittled". I ask and honest question. Sometimes relationships need a breather to figure out what is best, to part ways or try to make it work. I am not playing games and I have read on this site and others, 30 days of separation could help.

I don't know what I need to do, hence the reason of posting on this forum. If I knew the answer I wouldn't bother posting. I simply stated that I had decided to try a 30 day separation period to maybe mend our problems or go our separate ways, don't see how that is such a big issue to understand? I also CLEARLY asked what to say to her or text her prior to the separation period. Not to play games, but to help us both either to go our separate ways or realize how important our relationship is and try to work on it and fix it.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I did reread your initial post. I still didn't understand (1) the reason for the 30 days or (2) your goal.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

I asked if this was the same woman you posted about back in October, here are sentences from your own posts which is why I wanted some clarity as to what is going on, it wasnt meant as an attack or belittling if you mean me. 


I have had 2 months to think about it all and yes I truly want her back. I have not bothered her for 2 1/2 months. Your posting from 10/13

Right now we are talking as friends as she is "trying" to rekindle a marriage from years ago, which has totally blown my mind and she is only in it for the kids and a "family" life, not for the right reason she wants to be with this guy again your posting from 10/13


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

drivingmenutzkma said:


> Well instead being rude maybe reread my initial message, which clearly states maybe taking a breather, a 30 day period to figure out if I want to be with this woman or it will cause us to miss each other and help us.
> 
> One person even claims that she is "wanting to get back with her ex-husband, problem is she has never been married".
> 
> ...


Ok, why do you want a 30 day period of no contact? What problem do you think it will mend?

The only problem you brought up is that she thinks it's ok to have a male friend sleep off his drunk at her place. You don't think it's ok. 

If that's what you want to mend, how does 30 days of no contact mend it?

Tell her the truth. You are unhappy that she thinks it's ok to have some guy sleep off his drunk at her house. You are not ok with that. So you want to take a 30 day break. AT the end of 30 days, if you think you want to go out with her still you will contact her. Otherwise you will not.

Once you tell her this, she will most likely not want to see you again. That's how it works.


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## ILoveSparkles (Oct 28, 2013)

If a guy I was dating decided to go dark on me like what you are describing, there would be no contemplation about the future of the relationship. There simply would not be a future.

I understand taking some time apart, but it should be discussed in person...NOT TEXT. That's just rude and inconsiderate. The couple should still communicate to try to fix issues.

You seem like you want to use the 180 as a manipulation tactic to see if she'll come crawling back to you and giving you all the power in the relationship.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Yes said:


> If a guy I was dating decided to go dark on me like what you are describing, there would be no contemplation about the future of the relationship. There simply would not be a future.
> 
> I understand taking some time apart, but it should be discussed in person...NOT TEXT. That's just rude and inconsiderate. The couple should still communicate to try to fix issues.
> 
> You seem like you want to use the 180 as a manipulation tactic to see if she'll come crawling back to you and giving you all the power in the relationship.


People often mistake the 180 for no contact.

They seem to miss that the 180 IS NOT no contact. It's about not being overly emotional when interacting with the other person and gaining one's strength.


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## lonelyhusband321 (Feb 18, 2014)

frusdil said:


> I understand No Contact when a relationship ends, but not to fix problems in a relationship.
> 
> If my husband told me he wanted 30 days of no contact, I'd tell him to go f himself and leave.


:iagree:

I think a "no contact" between a couple trying to work things is a disaster that's not WAITING to happen - it IS happening.

Contact is EXACTLY what saves a marriage! Talking openly, honestly and CARING are what will make a relationship survive.

Save the "no contact" for EAs and PAs and for the "outsiders" in a relationship.

Just my opinion, but I absolutely agree with Frusdil. I would tell my wife EXACTLY the same thing...

Best of luck!


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Driving,

how does she define your relationship? well certainly up to the incident. and how does she define it today? the reason why i ask is what will 30 days of NC deliver to you if she sees little value in this relationship.


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## drivingmenutzkma (Sep 12, 2010)

honcho said:


> I asked if this was the same woman you posted about back in October, here are sentences from your own posts which is why I wanted some clarity as to what is going on, it wasnt meant as an attack or belittling if you mean me.
> 
> 
> I have had 2 months to think about it all and yes I truly want her back. I have not bothered her for 2 1/2 months. Your posting from 10/13
> ...


No, I am sorry but this is a woman I met right after the relationship in October. But please take in consideration, I was not desperate and honestly not even looking. We talked to each other for a month without ever physically meeting each other, then we went out approx. twice per week for about a month and then we got more serious. I tried to take my time, doe my research, and go about things the correct way. Sorry I did not clarify.


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## drivingmenutzkma (Sep 12, 2010)

turnera said:


> I did reread your initial post. I still didn't understand (1) the reason for the 30 days or (2) your goal.


What I am asking is should I maybe try a "trial" separation for 30 days to see if it helps us "miss" each other or for us to realize we were not mean to be. I don't know how else to say it. I don't know how I can tell you my "goal" when I am not really sure? I mean I do love her and care about her, but I feel that "something" has changed between us. I could simply be paranoid, but I don't think she is seeing someone else or anything, however in general conversation I can tell "something has simply changed like a light switch"..... and to my knowledge I have not done anything wrong to cause this and she has not said anythin. I get the feeling honestly that she is just simply scared to death for someone to actually care about her. Her last man was abusive and treated her like crap. I am very aware I could have a "prettier" woman but she is beautiful inside and out to me because I honestly love her for her. She is just like every mans dream to me, just like "hanging out with the guys".

As far as "texting", well some people can text their feelings allot better than talking in person. I used to be like that, so I understand. I don't take offense to her "texting" me her feelings because she is a little shy on telling me in person. About 2 years ago I was the exact same way. And just because I could not say it in person did not mean I was not sincere in what I said. Some people are simply shy in person, I was one of those people before you up and say "dump her because she is not good about saying her feelings in person".

I mean I have read ALLOT about taking 30 days and doing no contact not only on this forum but all across the internet and I assumed it was common knowledge. I mean if you "Google" it there are hundreds of websites devoted to just that, "the 30 day no contact rule". There are free videos and pay for videos everywhere for it. I can't believe for a minute that the members of this forum that are responding have never heard of this, especially if you have 1300+ posts. Basically what I am talking about and asking about is nothing new and sure the heck is not anything that is not easily googled. If you are honestly asking me about the 30 day no contact principle then you need to google it as you are TOTALLY in the dark obviously. If you r not aware of it I guess there is no need to respond as I am asking for advice on whether it works or not?

If you don't feel I should do the 30 days non contact then please tell me now. I feel I want this to work. I mean she is different from anyone I have ever loved, not high maintenance, and honestly it's like "hanging out with another guy friend" when we are together. I just felt as though maybe we need a "breather". We have never once raised our voice to each other since October and we may have our disagreements once in a while, but we don't "yell" at each other.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

drivingmenutzkma said:


> What I am asking is should I maybe try a "trial" separation for 30 days to see if it helps us "miss" each other


OMG, if I had a dollar for every couple who said this, I'd be rich.

No, it doesn't work. All it does is show you how easy it is to move on.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

The No Contact you see on here is for people going NC on their AFFAIR PARTNER or for going NC on their CHEATING SPOUSE.

It's not an agreed-upon fix for a marriage.


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## TurtleRun (Oct 18, 2013)

So this lady is your plan b ?

I understand this term is often used in a relationship with cheating but this sounds like if your willing to separate to see if the grass is greener on the other side then this relationship is already over. 

I couldn't even think about not being with my husband! It's not even a consideration.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

So you love her like crazy, like no one else, but you want to see if you'll want her MORE if you don't see her for 30 days? How is that possible?

Or are you saying SHE wants away for 30 days and you love her so much you're giving it to her?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

drivingmenutzkma said:


> a 30 day period to figure out if I want to be with this woman or it will cause us to miss each other and help us.
> 
> I also CLEARLY asked what to say to her or text her prior to the separation period. Not to play games, but to help us both either to go our separate ways or realize how important our relationship is and try to work on it and fix it.


Look, I went back and reread the thread again, for the FOURTH time, because I still don't understand what is going on. So please give me more information so I can help you.

You love her, she asked for distance, she's an abuse victim (which most likely means she has no self esteem and believes she deserves an abuser and you're being too nice to her so she is pushing you away), you gave her the distance - although I'm confused since you say you're two weeks into it and she's contacting you but then you turn around and say you want to know BEFORE you start the 30 days (so have you started it or not?

So you love her and want her but you're taking a break to see if you really want her? Is one of you interested in someone else? Do you see why I'm confused? Just tell me a straight timeline of what's going on so I can give better advice. Thanks.


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## drivingmenutzkma (Sep 12, 2010)

Ok, I am sorry I have been confusing with everyone, but heck in all actuality I am confused too. I think allot of us has been there, not knowing what to do and coming here for advice. I come here because the advice is the best, whether it's what my ears want to hear or not, it's the best advice. I just take offense when someone is rude or smart, no need in that. If you have nothing to say that is not relevant, then please don't even respond.

I guess I need to start from the beginning with me to help paint a better picture, but please understand I am talking about today and what advice I have taken from this forum and how I feel today is not how I felt 8 months ago, I guess I "see" now what allot of people were telling me. 

I was married for 10 years, had a family and children, and my wife started cheating on me. I dealt with it and tried to blame myself for over a year for her cheating with this guy (not multiple partners, just one that she met at work) until finally I had to simply walk out and get a divorce, I could not stop the affair, tried every way in the world, and when it started affecting my children I had to leave. They are actually much happier now than they were during the last year of our marriage, so I know I did the right thing. I have absolutely NO FEELINGS for my ex wife, so want that to be clear up front. I despise her if anything.

About 3 months after separating I met someone and we dated for nearly a year. It turned out that she was "very needy" and jumped from one relationship to another relationship and had never spent any time alone to think about things with a clear mind. I see that now, some of my past posts don't prove that, but I do now. I have accepted that and moved on also and I have no feelings for her at all either.

Then I spent about 8 moths single and clearing my mind and just spending time with my kids and rebuilding what they lost. Which I feel like I have done as they are very happy now and we are closer now than when married.


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## drivingmenutzkma (Sep 12, 2010)

So now I am where I am at today. I met another woman nearly a year after my last relationship. I tried to "go about everything the right way". We talked thru cell phone, messaging, etc. for an entire month before actually physically meeting and going out on a date. Then we dated for a month before physical activity more than simply a kiss. 

I really fell in love about the 4 month we were together in this 7 month relationship. We had great sex, we enjoyed each others company, we were together most of the time outside of work, and we had time away with friends. She was the first woman I introduced my kids too actually after the divorce (I never let my kids meet the first woman as they were simply not ready to do that and accept that, so I never allowed them to meet).

We get along great, we have never had a "yelling or fussing argument". We have had our disagreements, but we keep it civil and I am very proud of that as when my marriage we constantly fought and were very loud and vocal, but in my marriage we were simply "oil and water" and I had to realize that.

My current relationship, I am 99% sure I want it to work, I mean I think about her constantly and we get along good over all, and I do love her. We both love each other, have both told each other that and shown each other that, and we were actually close to moving in with each other when we started having problems (now that was not even anything we had discussed but during our conversation about it after our very first break up it came out that we felt we were both nearly at the point of living together but we had neither said anything about it or discussed it, we just felt it). So that is not the issue.

One problem I have with her is up until about a month ago she used to tell me (not constantly or anything and not "clingy", but just occasionally) how she felt so strong about us, she had never been made feel like I made her feel, and asking me what I was doing to her to make her feel like she did. Well I was not doing anything special other than simply being me and loving her. I have not cheated on her (and I am not interested in even talking to another woman) and she has not cheated on me to my knowledge (and being in a broken marriage involving cheating I am aware of those feelings and warning signs, and I may get paranoid sometimes but they have all turned out to be nothing and it's nothing I have "over done or accused her of").

We both have opposite sex friends and that was one of the things we liked about each other in the beginning and neither of us had a problem or "crossed the line" and flirted or anything like that until about a month ago. Her bff is a guy and he got drunk, drove to her house, and then spent the night. She did not tell me that he had done this and the way I found out was dropping something off at her house on the way to work and noticed his vehicle there. This was the night I looked in the window (she had the blinds up) and I seen her and her child asleep on the couch. My problem with it was 2 things, I don't let my OS friends spend the night at my house out of respect for US and I didn't like that he slept in their bed and made them sleep on the couch, that really hit a nerve with me.

Ever since that night I have not heard the saying I loved to hear from her, "what have you done to me and what are you doing to me, I have never felt this". I don't know if it upset her that I was so upset about him crashing there drunk that it made her feel I didn't trust her and now she holds back the words or if something has changed. She has made the comment that she feels I don't trust her but I do trust her, it is just a "respect thing". I don't want our friends saying "you know her OS friend spent the night over there the other night drunk don't you?" That just causes uneeded friction between us.


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## drivingmenutzkma (Sep 12, 2010)

BOOK CONTINUED.... lol

So here I am now. I do love her, my kids ask about her all the time and want to see her, her child loves me and asks about me all the time. I wish we could find the answer to simply make it work and be great.

I don't want and do not talk to other women and she does not either to other men other than both of us with honest general friends. Both of our big thing in talking in the beginning was TRUST, I think she feels I no longer trust her over the fact her bff spent the night there drunk, which is not true, I am just not ok with that which she knows now.

Another thing that may be an issue which has caused her to hold back is just before our problems started I made the comment to her that "we all need our personal time and time to ourselves". I think she could have taken that wrong. Because all I meant was that we were spending every waking moment together (as most people do when they fall in love) and that to have a HEALTHY relationship we needed personal time and not to "smother" each other. Looking back I think maybe she took offense to that as she stopped spending the night as often and would leave early in the mornings before I even woke. But that was taking it to an extreme, I simply meant a day per week maybe that we took time for our friends and ourselves but still be in contact via phones.

As far as the "30 day No Contact Rule" I have read it all over Google and it says it is the best way to get your ex back. Well I tried to do it once and only made it 2 weeks ignoring her and I broke down and we started talking again, but I felt like it was still "not back to normal" so I have tried it again. This time we only made it 5 days and we have started talking again. She has even called wanting to come over to visit (of course it was for something she needed help with, she didn't say just to see me but I am sure it is both). I guess I am asking everyone, if I really want this to work and I have tried to go about everything the right way, then is it not sometimes appropriate to spend some time apart to learn to miss each other which in turn would possibly help us both to stop all this nonsense and just be together?

Sorry soooooo long, but hopefully I have explained my situation in detail. Thank you all in advance that has taken the time to read and respond to my posts......


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## TurtleRun (Oct 18, 2013)

This 30 day thing sound like a horrible idea. You should ask to meet up with her and explain exactly what you meant and ask how she feels about you too. Making sure the other person understands what you mean in a relationship and clearing up any misunderstanding is a healthy relationship. 30 days of no talking is kind of playing games and since you are both adults with children I doubt she would be into playing mind games.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Ok, first, thank you for giving us the whole story. That REALLY helps a lot.



drivingmenutzkma said:


> As far as the "30 day No Contact Rule" I have read it all over Google and it says it is the best way to get your ex back. Well I tried to do it once and only made it 2 weeks ignoring her and I broke down and we started talking again, but I felt like it was still "not back to normal" so I have tried it again. This time we only made it 5 days and we have started talking again.


Ok, first, it looks like you are USING the 30 day NC as manipulation to get her to want you. Please understand that manipulation never works. How would YOU like to be manipulated to act the way someone else wants?

Second, did you TELL her you were going dark on her for 30 days, and WHY? This is important.


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

30 days of no contact seems like a game that I wouldn't play with anyone in a relationship that is important to me. Just my opinion.


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## Lillie (Oct 10, 2013)

To me: Taking 30 days is what people say when they want to see what they are missing and for some an excuse to cheat. Like in the tv show Friends episode....Ross & Rachel go on a break from each other with no contact. They or Ross ends up seeing someone else. I think you totally asked the question wrong. If you are wanting to forgive your Girlfriend.....this is not the way to do it. How old are you 2? Are you WANTING to Stay in this relationship? Texting her that u want 30 days is STUPID!


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## Lillie (Oct 10, 2013)

just read your 2nd part.
Forget about the 30 day rule. For the record Google & the internet is not always the answer, or have the right answer .
You can always sit down together and schedule time to be together or say hey me and the guys are going fishing, hunting, movies, racing, camping etc. you don't need to make this a mind game or anything like that. She would appreciate it more if you man up & tell her how you feel. Find hobbies and things you can do together....and apart.


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## drivingmenutzkma (Sep 12, 2010)

No I did not tell her "I am going dark for 3o days" I have simply in our last disagreements just stopped responding. I am not trying to play mind games at all, this I assure you. 

I used to be the type that could text what I could not say in person, and again I meant everything I said I could just say it better either in text or simply a letter, and yes I have done both including cards and Written how I felt.

I did just talk to her in person and I ask her "what do you expect in the relationship" and she gets defensive in person, but in text she can tell me how she feels. I brought this to her attention and she said she doesn't see the difference, that she has a hard time telling me to my face how she really feels but that in text she feels she can say what she needs to. I feel that is immature in one sense but in another guys/gals I have also been in that same boat, and I honestly meant everything I said in text, letters, or cards, I really did. 

Before you get on the band wagon of saying that is immature, please try to keep an open mind. And of all things, please don't be hateful or rude. 

The reason I keep going back to this is I stop talking to her for about a week or so after a disagreement and then I start getting videos of songs and texts telling me how she feels and loves me so much and I can deal with it for about a day then I cave in because I do care. So this is why I keep wanting to lean toward a no contact period, not in trying to hurt her, but to possibly help us. Help her to see what life would be like without each other. I already feel like I know that I don't want to be without her. I honestly have no intentions of dating another woman, no desire what-so-ever and that is the honest truth. I have no indication that she does or has been either, not according to both my friends and her friends.

I am asking for advice here. We are not in our 20's but sometimes I feel like she acts like it. She is in her 30's, never married and I am beginning to think she has commitment issues and has no idea to handle a man that treats her right. 

I am not being conceded when I say this, but she is attractive and doesn't have problems dating, she just doesn't date much (had not dated anyone in over a year when I ask her out).

I don't have problems dating beautiful women, and again not being conceded but just don't want anyone thinking "oh well they are ugly dogs and can't find anyone else" because that is not even an issue.

I am so close to simply giving up but I know what we have is special. We went about it the right way, we have been happy up until about a month ago, and I am leaning more and more toward her OS bff being jealous, I feel like he wants more than friendship from her and she doesn't, however he is putting her in "binds".

I feel like the biggest problem is nobody has ever cared for her like I have, nobody has ever gave a crap.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

And, as I said, abused women will not TOLERATE being treated well. They feel they DESERVE to be treated badly; the abuse does that to them. 

She needs good, long-term therapy. You could use some to learn to love yourself enough to be able to say what you want without fear of rejection (that's why you have to write it, fear of the other person's reaction which is harder to take in person).

Basically, you both need therapy. Apart and together.

Oh, and stopping communication with someone with whom you are monogamous without actually telling them you're doing it, or why, borders on abuse itself. I am NOT saying you are abusive, but the act of withdrawal is one of an abuser's most-used tricks to regain control. You wouldn't want someone YOU cared about to just disappear from your life without so much as a word, would you? Now imagine how much it affects HER, who's already been abused. Think about it.


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## TurtleRun (Oct 18, 2013)

"Handle a man that treats her right."

Any man isn't going to shut her out for 30 days. 

You're only 7 months into this relationship and you are setting up your first real problem with her by shutting her out instead of trying to fix whatever it is together. The problem doesn't even sound like a real problem just yet. When this guy slept over her house you should have knocked on the door and told her you find it completely unacceptable and how would she feel if the rule was reversed ?


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Your opening post:



drivingmenutzkma said:


> What my question is...... "What is the best thing to text or say to a woman BEFORE going no contact for 30 days?" ..
> 
> what do you feel is the best thing to say to a woman just prior to 30 days no contact and honestly you sticking to the no contact period????


After getting numerous responses advising you not to go "no contact for 30 days" and your defensive responses not really getting you anywhere, you now say:



drivingmenutzkma said:


> No I did not say "I am going dark for 3o days"


You really have no idea what you're talking about.. do you?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Basically, you felt that denying her your presence for 30 days would make her appreciate you more and stop any destructive behaviors.

Instead of doing the healthy thing and just facing her and saying 'what you're doing makes me uncomfortable and we need to come to an agreement about it.'

Does that make more sense?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

didn't she tell you to f&ck off, last I remember


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## drivingmenutzkma (Sep 12, 2010)

lenzi said:


> Your opening post:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


CLARIFICATION:
I did not TELL her I was going to try a no contact period. Also when I do go no contact after a disagreement, she makes it maybe a week and contacts me and I of course cave and give in and resume contact. So it's obvious I am not being rude or hateful or abusive. I am a nice person and tend to feel sorry for her and her kids and want to be there for them, the week apart is hard on me but in some way it has become a pattern that she starts contacting me again after only a few days.


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## drivingmenutzkma (Sep 12, 2010)

warlock07 said:


> didn't she tell you to f&ck off, last I remember


Yea in a text she said that, so I did, then she started texting me about 5 days later. It's become a pattern of me not contacting her after a disagreement and then within about a week she contacts me.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

drivingmenutzkma said:


> when I do go no contact after a disagreement, she makes it maybe a week and contacts me and I of course cave and give in and resume contact. So it's obvious I am not being rude or hateful or abusive.


Actually, it's not obvious. What you do is manipulative and, in many instances, considered abuse. There's a woman here who left her husband because he would punish her (he called it 'needing to take a break') by refusing to speak to her, sometimes for SEVERAL MONTHS at a time. Think of what she had to go through each time he did that - blamed herself, hated herself, put him up on a pedestal, basically disappeared in her need to get him back.



> What is the Silent Treatment?
> This is where a person behaves in a passive aggressive manner to convey their anger or grievance by ignoring/not speaking to the victim. Often used by narcissists, silence can be a form of emotional abuse and as such it is unacceptable. Often, the person giving the silent treatment does so because they want (consciously or unconsciously) their victim to feel unworthy, to appease them, or to feel guilty about something. Alternatively they may want their victim to apologise for something, even though often they choose not to clarify what it is that is actually wrong!
> 
> A person who is repeatedly on the receiving end of cold shouldering can wind up feeling resigned to being isolated, intimidated, insignificant and/or despondent. Other times, the victim may feel angry, defiant, resentful and/or vengeful. Over time they can become totally worn down, but no-one should have to endure such conduct. In a family situation, the uncomfortable atmosphere created when parents are intermittently but persistently not speaking (which may ultimately lead to separation or divorce) can negatively affect children. Additionally, emotional stress brought about by persistent silent treatment can affect physical health.


The Silent Treatment Emotional Abuse in Relationships/ marriage - how to cope.



> The silent treatment is a common way of displaying contempt for another individual while avoiding confrontation about that contempt or without giving the target of the contempt an opportunity to resolve the issue or dispute. The goal is typically to invoke FOG fear, obligation or guilt - in the mind of the target individual.


Out of the FOG - The Silent Treatment

btw, I looked up your "No Contact Rule" thing and every site I found said it was to be used to get your ex back. In other words, it's a manipulation to get them to want you, so they will do whatever you want or ignore why they broke up with you in the first place. In other words, manipulation.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

drivingmenutzkma said:


> Yea in a text she said that, so I did, then she started texting me about 5 days later. It's become a pattern of me not contacting her after a disagreement and then within about a week she contacts me.


So you admit yourself that this no contact thing you do is not healthy? That is creates a pattern of unhappiness?


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Even though you explained why you have this new thread, we remember your original postings about the OM sleeping over. His care was over there several nights. Sure seemed that they might be sleeping together.

Have you concluded that your anxiety was misplaced? Isn't that original conflict the reason that you broke up?

If you want to have a relationship, you need to talk.

Listen carefully to her. Is she coping with psychological issues?

You need to be a calm and secure person to deal with this tricky situation (mixed family).


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Can you sum up your situation in about 5 sentences? It will be helpful because I am reading your posts and am confused.

You seem to be focusing on "thirty days" of no contact a lot. Like that amount of days is very important to you.

If you want to work things out with her, then tell her. I don't see how going No Contact is going to help bring you closer together. If you want to dump her, then dump her.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I Notice The Details said:


> 30 days of no contact seems like a game that I wouldn't play with anyone in a relationship that is important to me. Just my opinion.


:iagree:



drivingmenutzkma said:


> Her bff is a guy and he got drunk, drove to her house, and then spent the night. She did not tell me that he had done this and the way I found out was dropping something off at her house on the way to work and noticed his vehicle there. This was the night I looked in the window (she had the blinds up) and I seen her and her child asleep on the couch. My problem with it was 2 things, I don't let my OS friends spend the night at my house out of respect for US and I didn't like that he slept in their bed and made them sleep on the couch, that really hit a nerve with me.


This will become a problem in your relationship if it continues, I guarantee it. 

It may just be that you have fundamentally different views on OSF who stay the night and where one person does not even mention this to the other.


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## drivingmenutzkma (Sep 12, 2010)

As to her OS bff, I have only seen it there twice in my course of driving, so I feel I just got worried and jumped to conclusions. Everything indicates there is nothing going on there. Her friends and my friends have all told me that. You have to remember I was in a marriage that failed due to ex wife cheating on me, so I still have worries when I love someone else that it can happen to me again, I would think everyone could understand my hesitations. Now I am not overly silly with it, controlling, stalker, or possessive or anything, it's just in the back of my mind and I feel that is more than likely normal for me to be concerned that could happen again for a while. 

I want to be clear. I have not tried the 30 day no contact yet. You read all over the internet that it works, but as you guys say I feel it's manipulative and I think I would feel guilt for trying it and I think after reading all this it would cause problems down the road.

Let's face it, we all have had disagreements and not spoken to the other person for a few days (meaning 3 to 5). I guess my question was does it actually work and is it worth it. From what you all have said, it's not and for me to just talk to her. 

So, I sent her some messages telling her I understood and that I was willing to work thru this with her if she was willing. It had been 4 days since we have communicated last prior to my messages. Is it always my place to contact her first? Our last disagreement had to do with "both" of us, not just one of us. It actually had to do with us communicating more in person and not messaging. She said she didn't understand the difference, that in person she feels stressed and in messaging she can think about how she wants to say something and send it. I understand what she is saying, because I too used to be like that. But I have matured enough in the past few years to be able to talk face to face. I guess a good description of her, is when we are face to face lets not waste time with dealing with issues and we can message about our issues while working or apart and deal with them that way. I know that sounds immature, but that's what I am dealing with.

One of you ask if she had some psychological issues going on, the answer to that is not that I am aware of. She is very down to earth and pretty laid back. That's one of the traits about her I like so well. 

In summary I ask about the 30 day because it is ALL OVER the internet. But I wanted to know if it worked, was it something to try before throwing a relationship away, would it cause more problems? The over all response has been no, and I get that and understand. So I have chosen not to even try that, so I have messaged her and told her I was being understanding and I did understand how she felt, that I was hear for her to talk to when she was ready. That's all I can do at this point. I don't want to appear needy and I am not needy IMO. I just want to be with her, I love her, and want to see where we can go with our relationship, heck I just care. I just have a good feeling about US...... But on the other hand I can cut this lose if it's what is best for me, we are not so far in yet that I am going to lock myself in the house for a week and cry and moan about it, I can move on if I need to right now. It would hurt, but nothing like I have been hurt in the past.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Sounds good. Keep talking, and help her see that it IS safe to talk to you. She's probably never been safe before to do so. Ask her about herself, ask her about her first bike, what she wanted to do when she was in high school, just ... stuff. Make talking to you the most welcoming thing in her life.


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## drivingmenutzkma (Sep 12, 2010)

turnera said:


> Sounds good. Keep talking, and help her see that it IS safe to talk to you. She's probably never been safe before to do so. Ask her about herself, ask her about her first bike, what she wanted to do when she was in high school, just ... stuff. Make talking to you the most welcoming thing in her life.


Thank you, I think you hit the nail on the head....


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