# Why won't he have sex with me?



## jane21 (Jan 12, 2012)

First off, I haven't gained weight, I'm not ugly, I still groom and I don't smell bad.

Over the past few months, my husband and I have been having sex less frequently, maybe once or twice a week. I asked him why he didn't want to as much and he claims that mens' libidos slow down in their 20's and pick back up in their 30's.... I'm pretty sure that is total bull****.

Now it has been two weeks and we haven't had sex at all but I see from the history on our laptop that he has been watching porn. He knows how badly that hurts my feelings because there is no reason he couldn't come to me for sex. I've told him how much I want him and how badly my feelings are hurt because he doesn't want to have sex with me. 
He says that he doesn't want to have sex with me when I'm nagging him and that I'm not sexy when I'm being negative. Well, the only reason I'm nagging and being negative is that I'm not getting any! 
It seems that he is trying to punish me by withholding sex but I don't think it's a privelage but a neccessity. If we don't have sex then I don't want to be married.
I know that if I jumped him he would probably give in but I don't want to initiate it anymore because I want to know that he wants me. 
So my question is: Is he full of it? Why doesn't he want sex?


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

It's not the age. :rofl: Low libido in 20 year old man? Yea. Ok.

It's the porn. He gets himself off watching that and has nothing left for you. Sucks. And he's discounting your feelings. What a douche.


----------



## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

jane21 said:


> .....he claims that mens' libidos slow down in their 20's and pick back up in their 30's.... I'm pretty sure that is total bull****.


He doesn`t even believe that.
It`s quite funny though



> So my question is: Is he full of it? Why doesn't he want sex?


Could be any number of reasons.

Here`s a common checklist...

- He holds resentment.
(Do you guys have a history of unresolved problems/arguments? Have you pissed him off bad at all lately?)

-He`s having ED problems
(Guys will seriously cut back on initiating if ED arises)

-He`s having an affair
(This one is a toss up because it really varies but a lot of people feel like they`re cheating on their affair partner with their spouse)

-Depression
(Anything in his life going wrong an awful lot lately? Is he in a general decent mood or not?)

-Could be the porn
(How often is he viewing it?)


----------



## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

You will exhaust yourself trying to figure it out...could be any one of the things listed above. If porn is involved, then he's probably exhausting himself in front of the computer leaving none left for you. This is a sad cycle that men fall into...it's just too easy to get off to porn than to bother getting into it with their wives...

I don't know...get a vibrator...maybe if he sees you using that instead of him, it will touch a nerve. Didn't work for me, tho...lol...


----------



## DailyGrind (Jun 27, 2010)

jane21 said:


> but I don't think it's a privelage but a neccessity.


Well....if MY wife thought this way.....I'd be the most doting husband in the history of the institution of marriage. 

Seriously....you need to try and get through to him how serious this can be to a marriage. You are still trying.....and he doesn't realize how special that is. Some day....you will get too bitter with him....and just shut down. He'll look back on this day, and wonder how he F'd it up so bad. Try to find a nice way to have a discussion. Maybe try to enjoy the porn together?


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

you need to get him off the porn cause it's clearly taking care of his urges.

Make him an offer, he can have all the porn he wants BUT you always get the right of first refusal.

Next check out the porn he's watching, is there any theme he likes? Anything they do or wear? Without talking to him, try initiating or introducing that into your sex life. Dont talk to him about it, instead you take the initiative. The idea and goal is to wean him off the porn and to build a dependency on you.

Porn girls don't nag, but they do seduce. They do demand, and in a good way they beg. Don't know what genre he likes, but try throwing some of it in.

Get on a good site with lingerie etc , sit down with him on it an shop a little. Buy something you'd like, buy something he likes,and then buy something a little out there to play with.

Porn is quick and easy, but it's not nearly as satisfying. Like potato chips vs real food. He's gotten lazy and he needs to learn that a real hot meal is better in so many ways.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Drewgar (Jan 11, 2012)

Its absolutly nothing to do with age im 27 and my sex drive is higher than ever, i just wish i got more if my wife was like you id be very happy.


----------



## jane21 (Jan 12, 2012)

tacoma said:


> - He holds resentment.
> (Do you guys have a history of unresolved problems/arguments? Have you pissed him off bad at all lately?)
> QUOTE]
> 
> ...


----------



## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

In the thread "Why Wives hide porn from their husbands- you replied saying you watch it too, and hide it from him, and he hides his from you. So you both are looking at it and hiding it from each other. Sounds like you both need to communicate and come clean about things first of all.


----------



## jane21 (Jan 12, 2012)

I know I shouldn't hide it from him and it's totally unfair, but the difference is that I watch it once in a while but I still want to have sex all the time. He watches it and doesn't want sex. 
I suppose that we could watch it together, but when we do have sex there is nothing lacking. We don't need to watch porn to enjoy sex together.


----------



## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

jane21 said:


> I was expecting to see a lot of negative feedback telling me it was all my fault and was surprised to see that I, for once, am not in the wrong.:smthumbup:


Well, the reason you did not get a lot of negative is that, at least for the men, many are saying, "Damn...if MY wife was only like that!!!!" It is so often the other way around.

It is a cruel joke that so often either the guy wants it more or the woman wants it more. That match of sexual desire can be so elusive (I know...it has taken us 39 years to get in sync!!).

Here is an article on the effect of porn:
Porn-Induced Sexual Dysfunction Is a Growing Problem | Psychology Today

Hopefully your actions have stunned him into action. 

I also want to recommend that you work through the book "The Couple Checkup" and take the online test. It seems that there are some issues in your marriage, the #1 being communication. Counseling might also be in order. 

Hopefully he will come to his senses and realize that he has a hot wife willing to have as much sex with him as he wants...while the rest of us remain envious.


----------



## SecondTimesTheCharm (Dec 30, 2011)

Jane...do you give your hubby BJ's? Sex could be pretty unremarkable if it was strictly intercourse.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

SecondTimesTheCharm said:


> Jane...do you give your hubby BJ's? Sex could be pretty unremarkable if it was strictly intercourse.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:rofl: omg.


----------



## jane21 (Jan 12, 2012)

Hah. Yeah, he gets whatever he wants, except butt sex. We tried that once and it hurt and since I'm REALLY not into it, I won't try again. I don't think the lack of anal sex is our problem though.


----------



## SecondTimesTheCharm (Dec 30, 2011)

Must be the lack of butt sex that is to blame! ;-)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

SecondTimesTheCharm said:


> Jane...do you give your hubby BJ's? Sex could be pretty unremarkable if it was strictly intercourse.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:scratchhead:I have never gotten a BJ to completion and it is rare that she goes down on me at all. (She cannot stand the consistency of semen and with TMJ it hurts her jaw...but that is another story). Sex is FAR from unremarkable!!! I give her oral, we have sex in a variety of places and positions and she gives AWESOME hand-jobs. A BJ is just one of many things that add variety and fun to sex.


----------



## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

romantic_guy said:


> :scratchhead:I have never gotten a BJ to completion


aww man, dont know what youre missing.

almost nothing like her looking you in the eyes as you go off and the look on her face never changes. :ezpi_wink1:

:slap:
good lord did i mess up


----------



## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

2nd_t!me iz_best said:


> aww man, dont know what youre missing.
> 
> almost nothing like her looking you in the eyes as you go off and the look on her face never changes. :ezpi_wink1:


I am sure that is the case. I am just saying that some guys (just look at the posts) think that the only sex that exists is a BJ. I am just saying that is can be a part of it, but there are plenty of other ways to be sexually satisfied. For me, there is nothing like being teased and kept close to an orgasm for over a hour. Her hand jobs keep me right on the edge until I can't stand it anymore...and then longer. When I finally do go...WOW! My wife is such a master at that that I really don't miss a BJ.:smthumbup:


----------



## GabC (Jan 15, 2012)

This is a very strange scenario. Most guys like porn but it doesn't compare to the real thing, it's a poor substitute.

I find it hard to empathise with this guy, to be honest. However I will say that I went out with a woman who had a much higher sex drive than me, and I found it a turn-off. 

I've always liked the chase, and even in marriage I quite like the fact my wife isn't always available. I hate to quote from Tupac, as I grew out of that a long time ago, but he had it right when he sang:

“I don't want to sound sleazy but tease me, I don't want to hit the sack easy”


----------



## Screenp2 (Dec 4, 2011)

It's not the porn... women just want it to be porn so they have something to blame. 

I can watch porn all day, rub it out 3-6 times and still go to bed and have sex.. that is if the wife wants to, and she's not been in the mood much the last 5 years so I watch more porn and rub it out some more.

Stop making excuses about porn and find the real problem.


----------



## alphapuppy (Jan 17, 2012)

It could be the porn. 

I've been there. I left.

It is a very difficult problem, and if I were faced with it again, I would seek professional advice from a reputable sex therapist.

It could also be something else, though. 

Why couldn't you watch porn together? Give it a chance? It's not all vile and degrading, though much of it is. Some of it is fabulous and sensual.


----------



## alphapuppy (Jan 17, 2012)

Screenp2 said:


> It's not the porn... women just want it to be porn so they have something to blame.
> 
> I can watch porn all day, rub it out 3-6 times and still go to bed and have sex.. that is if the wife wants to, and she's not been in the mood much the last 5 years so I watch more porn and rub it out some more.
> 
> Stop making excuses about porn and find the real problem.


Just because you don't have a problem with porn doesn't mean that problems with porn don't exist.


----------



## mousecat (Nov 28, 2011)

See this is what I think it should be like. The woman should simply want to have sex with her man. No ifs, no buts, no complex emotional needs; she should just want sex. And the man should want to have sex with his wife. End of story. There is so much over-analysis of this type of issue. It's simple biology. We want to mate. No need to be clever about it. And your post reassures me that I'm not primitive in thinking that way. You want sex with your man and that's that! (rightly so!)

That said, your man could just be tired. You know, you're really lucky actually! (Or, your man is!)

Once every couple of weeks is actually pretty good from where I see it. I would settle for it once a month right now.


----------



## Unloved11 (Jan 17, 2012)

I have the same problem!! But even if I jump him he rejects me

I try so hard to make him happy but he always has excuses
I'm about to give up


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

There's so many of these threads lately

This is a good one for this type of issue:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/37977-hd-women-putting-him-1st.html



Unloved11 said:


> I have the same problem!! But even if I jump him he rejects me
> 
> I try so hard to make him happy but he always has excuses
> I'm about to give up


You're doing everything right recently, you just have to learn how to take no for an answer for once without getting worked up about it. It's never a case of me not wanting you when I say no.


----------

