# Married 29 months..telling her i want divorce tonight..how to make this least hurtful



## JoeSally (Feb 5, 2013)

..and also is there any way to stay friends?
Backstory: WHen I was 29 I started dating my best friend of 12 years. Her friendship meant the world to me. After a year of dating, I proposed and we moved in together and than marrie a year later. Now for teh last year, and a little more, I have realized that I am very tough to live with and so is she. We don't fight a lot, but mostly becasue I am scared of confronting her. I am slightly bi-polar and have been medicated for it for 10 years now(w/o therapy), and I think I just have too many issues to work well with another person. She definitely has a lot fo faults in the way she handles things and I am 100% sure that this is the right thing to do. However, while we don't have kids, I would give anything to still go back to the way we were. We've been friends for a long time, so obviously we have a lot of mutual friends. We also have a lot of common interests, including both being huge fans of the same band(Phish), and I would love to think that we can still go out with all o four friends and not be awkward, and even eventually be going to concerts together, and mayeb even getting together personally just for dinner(not friends with benefits, I'm just talking friends). I still love her in many ways. I am also strongly under the assumption, that she does not see this coming and does not want this. I was unsure of this last february when I first mentioned that I wanted a divorce and she was completely blindsided and broke down. She does not see this coming, so let's keep that assumption going for this discussion. My real quesiton is, I think the best way to do this is to say as littel as possible about what's wrong with her and focus on how I want to be single again. I don't even want to date other women, and can't imagine getting married again. All the above being said, there are things about her that have driven me away. Any way i can keep that to myself? Is that more or less hurtful? A few weeks ago she took a trip for work, and I was so happy to have the apartment to myself. I did nto miss her at all. I miss my personal space and need it back and my question is, will this answer without me pointing out what she did wrong, backfire by making her just be mad about my selfishness, or do I take the risk of hurting her by poinitng out her faults. I have not pointed them out yet because I am absolutely frightened of any comfrontations. i have tried so many lifestyle changes(diet, meditiation, change of bad habits) to try to make me happier, but ultimately I know I want to be alone. This is the answer. Maybe I will clarify this more later, but this forum has been helpful before and I wanted to throw this out there. Some wonderful people answered my thread a year agio and it really helped. Thakns for reading.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

So you want to tell your wife you want a divorce, have her understand and agree and not be mad or upset, and wish to also remain friends...

Good luck with that.

If you are to afraid to deal with the problems confront your marriage, what makes you think ending the marriage can be painless.

I suggest you just state you have realized too late that being married to her is not what you want, then tell her what it is you do want, then tell her you have already begun the process by seeing a lawyer to make everything legal and final.

If you haven't already seen a lawyer, then she is likely to think this is another one of your moods that she has to tolerate and wait out.


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## M042 (Nov 4, 2013)

I would say instead of saying as LITTLE as possible, tell her the truth completely. Even then if what you say above--her not seeing this coming-- it will be hard for her to understand, but if you hide a bunch of stuff from her she will be baffled forever and will have a hard time getting closure.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Joe,
What happened last February after you said you wanted a divorce? 

1. Did she:
- Ask you what she was doing that was driving you away? 
- Really listen to what you said?
- Make a genuine and effective effort to change?

If so, were you open and honest with her? 

2. Or was it more:
- Pressing down hard on your guilt buttons
- Telling you that 'all' couples struggle and that you were giving up to easily
- Explaining why she was justified to do whatever she was doing

If (2) is mostly what happened, I imagine you gave her a minimal list of issues, quickly gave up nothing changed. Is that correct? 

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QUOTE=JoeSally;5320369]..and also is there any way to stay friends?
Backstory: WHen I was 29 I started dating my best friend of 12 years. Her friendship meant the world to me. After a year of dating, I proposed and we moved in together and than marrie a year later. Now for teh last year, and a little more, I have realized that I am very tough to live with and so is she. We don't fight a lot, but mostly becasue I am scared of confronting her. I am slightly bi-polar and have been medicated for it for 10 years now(w/o therapy), and I think I just have too many issues to work well with another person. She definitely has a lot fo faults in the way she handles things and I am 100% sure that this is the right thing to do. However, while we don't have kids, I would give anything to still go back to the way we were. We've been friends for a long time, so obviously we have a lot of mutual friends. We also have a lot of common interests, including both being huge fans of the same band(Phish), and I would love to think that we can still go out with all o four friends and not be awkward, and even eventually be going to concerts together, and mayeb even getting together personally just for dinner(not friends with benefits, I'm just talking friends). I still love her in many ways. I am also strongly under the assumption, that she does not see this coming and does not want this. I was unsure of this last february when I first mentioned that I wanted a divorce and she was completely blindsided and broke down. She does not see this coming, so let's keep that assumption going for this discussion. My real quesiton is, I think the best way to do this is to say as littel as possible about what's wrong with her and focus on how I want to be single again. I don't even want to date other women, and can't imagine getting married again. All the above being said, there are things about her that have driven me away. Any way i can keep that to myself? Is that more or less hurtful? A few weeks ago she took a trip for work, and I was so happy to have the apartment to myself. I did nto miss her at all. I miss my personal space and need it back and my question is, will this answer without me pointing out what she did wrong, backfire by making her just be mad about my selfishness, or do I take the risk of hurting her by poinitng out her faults. I have not pointed them out yet because I am absolutely frightened of any comfrontations. i have tried so many lifestyle changes(diet, meditiation, change of bad habits) to try to make me happier, but ultimately I know I want to be alone. This is the answer. Maybe I will clarify this more later, but this forum has been helpful before and I wanted to throw this out there. Some wonderful people answered my thread a year agio and it really helped. Thakns for reading.[/QUOTE]


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## JoeSally (Feb 5, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> So you want to tell your wife you want a divorce, have her understand and agree and not be mad or upset, and wish to also remain friends...
> 
> Good luck with that.
> 
> ...


I expect her to be upset, I just hate hurting her and while no matter what she will be hurt, there are ways to be more or less hurtful, and I am looking for the least hurtful way. I saw a lawyer last february, and I will not tell her that because I feel it would be more hurtful for her to know that I already took that step. She will realize it's nto a mood..my moods are mostly internal. I put on a really happy face and just apologize constantly.


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## JoeSally (Feb 5, 2013)

M042 said:


> I would say instead of saying as LITTLE as possible, tell her the truth completely. Even then if what you say above--her not seeing this coming-- it will be hard for her to understand, but if you hide a bunch of stuff from her she will be baffled forever and will have a hard time getting closure.


This sounds like good advice. Thank you.


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## JoeSally (Feb 5, 2013)

MEM11363 said:


> Joe,
> What happened last February after you said you wanted a divorce?
> 
> 1. Did she:
> ...


more 1 than 2, but a little bit of both. She has been easier on me on some things, but still has many parts of her personality that are diffucult to deal with. MOstly this is my issue of missing being single(not even for other women puposes, that's not it at all. I'm not saying i will be celibate forever, but if I had to choose single and celibate or married, I choose the first)


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## JoeSally (Feb 5, 2013)

The problem with honesty is that it is hard to do without being mean in this case.


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## woundedwarrior (Dec 9, 2011)

I agree with M042, you should tell her your true feelings, but don't expect her to understand. Spouses that want divorce because they just don't want to be married anymore without counseling, or any outside help can't expect this to go well. Sad to say, but your friendship will be gone as well. Once you cross over, you can't go back.


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

IMO, I would play the "it's not you, it's me" card. Because even if she didn't have faults you'd still not want to be married. You want to live alone and have your personal space back. Yes, you are selfish. But please understand that I am someone who is very much like you. I would like to be married but ideally my husband would live across the hall from me in an ocean front luxury condo in the Carribbean. 

No, but seriously, what good will it do to point out her faults except to make you feel better about your decision? Just tell her that you had always struggled with sharing your "space" with someone but you loved and respected her so much that you believed she would be the one you could change for but, unfortantely, it didn't happen. 

She'll be very upset about it regardless but why add insult to injury?


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

Look, the fact is that you married someone and then realized you didn't want to be married to them. There's no nice way to break it. Take full responsibility for it. This is going to hurt her no matter how you say it. It's like you have to amputate a limb without anesthetic and you're asking which kind of saw will be less painful.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

I say.... take all the blame and have a place to go. Cuz it is really crappy for you to do the whole ILYBINILWY speech, and then stay there.


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## JoeSally (Feb 5, 2013)

SunnyT said:


> I say.... take all the blame and have a place to go. Cuz it is really crappy for you to do the whole ILYBINILWY speech, and then stay there.


Was ready to go...she wanted to try therapy..we ended up getting an appointment for tonight. I told her that I think counseling during a separation period will be the best move but since we were able to get an appointment the same day..we both agreed that I should stay the one more night and see what the move is after the first session. Thanks for all the great advice


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## Mark72 (May 26, 2012)

Anything different from when you said the same thing last April?


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## JoeSally (Feb 5, 2013)

Mark72 said:


> Anything different from when you said the same thing last April?


Last February was very different in a lot of ways. We hadn't been intimate except for one time in 6 months prior to that(she had also had back surgery in that time..but that was october adn she was still repelling me. She gained a lot of weight and felt bad about her body and she also was on painkillers for the back pain and then had withdrawals. We were in bad shape and my talk then was more about addressing that. This time, it's more about me selfishly just preferring being single. She cried a lot and just kept saying that she can't lose me. We'll see how therapy goes.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

JoeSally said:


> Last February was very different in a lot of ways. We hadn't been intimate except for one time in 6 months prior to that(she had also had back surgery in that time..but that was october adn she was still repelling me. She gained a lot of weight and felt bad about her body and she also was on painkillers for the back pain and then had withdrawals. We were in bad shape and my talk then was more about addressing that. This time, it's more about me selfishly just preferring being single. She cried a lot and just kept saying that she can't lose me. We'll see how therapy goes.


I just hope that "we'll see how therapy goes" means that you're looking for it to help make the break easier, and not that you're waffling about staying. It would be really unfair to her to keep changing your mind.


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## JoeSally (Feb 5, 2013)

John Lee said:


> I just hope that "we'll see how therapy goes" means that you're looking for it to help make the break easier, and not that you're waffling about staying. It would be really unfair to her to keep changing your mind.


I'm thinking it will be the first. However, I am not throwing out the idea that I will realize i'm an idiot with a combination of leaving and therapy. I will not give her the idea that this is a great possibility. I have to stop saying i love you though.


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## Mark72 (May 26, 2012)

JoeSally said:


> I'm thinking it will be the first. However, I am not throwing out the idea that I will realize i'm an idiot with a combination of leaving and therapy. I will not give her the idea that this is a great possibility. I have to stop saying i love you though.


Perhaps individual sessions with this counselor will be beneficial to you.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

JoeSally said:


> I'm thinking it will be the first. However, I am not throwing out the idea that I will realize i'm an idiot with a combination of leaving and therapy. I will not give her the idea that this is a great possibility. I have to stop saying i love you though.


That's not fair of you to her. You need to make a decision one way or the other and commit to it. From the sound of it you've been playing this game a long time, and it's cruel.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

You definitely need therapy. 

You married her and made a promise to her. I understand that not having sex in a marraige is tough, and needing some personal space is important, but you have been the nice guy, who hasn't stood up for what you wanted, then you are angry that the marraige isn't what you thought it would be.

No marraige is what people think it will be, it takes work and compromise and it sounds like you both have unhealthy patterns going on. 

As for her having back surgery and gaining weight, well that's part of marriage too, in sickness and health. 

I hope you both go to counselling are open and honest and learn to be forthright from now on, and also learn to compromise. 

Good luck.


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