# Input On Daughter's Relationship With Boyfriend?



## 827Aug

For the longest time, I have basically said nothing about my daughter's relationship with her boyfriend. It's now to the point I'm having a hard time not voicing my concerns. 

My daughter is 18 and has been seeing her boyfriend (age 20) for 2 1/2 years. Since this is the only boy she has ever really dated, I assumed the relationship would be a passing thing. Last fall he asked her to marry him and wanted my blessing. I told both of them that they would not have my blessings until he could find a career path. Well, it's now 8 months later and nothing has really changed. He's still clueless. But, he wants her to move in with him (at his parent's home).

The boyfriend really is clueless about life. He acts like he's 13. A lot of that has to do with how he was brought up. Heck, his parents (all four of them) are still micromanaging his life--and doing a lousy job of it, I might add. The boyfriend basically blew off doing his high school assignments and didn't get to graduate with his class. A year later he finally got his diploma. However, he is always the first to tell everyone how intelligent he is. He then applied to several branches of the military and was turned down by all of them. He has had three part-time jobs since. At two of the places, management cut his hours until finally he was just on call. The third place terminated him this weekend right before his probationary period ended. They said he wasn't what they were looking for. I have heard through the grapevine he is annoying, immature, and just plain obnoxious at work. Not a big surprise, since that's how I see him when he isn't at work. It is never his fault and my daughter believes that whole-heartily.

I love my daughter and I hate to see her settle for something less than what she is. She graduated top of her class, works part-time, and is enrolled in college this fall. She is very mature and responsible. Basically she is everything he is not. 

Anyone else care to share about a similar situation? And the outcome? Advice?


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## norajane

Do you live in a small town? Maybe your daughter's horizons aren't yet broad enough to be able to understand this isn't the only guy out there for her, and that there are many different kinds of men who would bring many, many different and better things into her life than this guy.

She was 16 when they started dating...people aren't a great judge of character at that age.

Hopefully college will bring her into contact with people who have a different perspective on life than her current bf. College has a way of expanding our views and dreams and goals...she might realize she's outgrown him.


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## the guy

When my DD was 18 she was in a serious relationship and as she grew with collage and a job she started see the BF as stagnet, no school struggling with a career path, and she broke up with him 3 years later.

My point is as my DD moved on in a produtive life the BF wasn't keeping up and she got tired of not going anywere with him.

ya marriage was talked about and a ring was given, but the date kept getting pushed around. I just sat back and watched them stuggle and learn lifes lessons...the biggest one is money, you gotta have income to be a big person and live on your own.

So.... I suggest that you stay strong with that career path thing you got going, continue to support your DD and especially with her career path. 

At 22 my DD finally saw that her BF was not going any were. Give it time and if you want tell your DD that BF needs his own palce and you will help her move in with him......You and me both know he can't afford to do this but it will look supportive in your DD eyes.

Your DD may even start hounding BF to get a real job and keep it, there by stressing the relationship.

As you well know the more we tell them not to do something the more the kid wants to do it. So play it smart by making concession that are imposible for the 2 of them to abtain.


BTW, the brides folks usually pay for the wedding so you did good on your stance that the BF needs a career path.

Give it time your DD will start to meet new poeple and see new things as she stays in school and gets a job. While the BF stays stagnet and goes now were.....it just takes time for the kid to see the BF is holding her back.

So keep supporting her in school and a job, the more new poeple she meets the less attractive the BF becomes, especially if her job is related to her career...she will meet like mind guys that will look more attractive.

Thats what happened to my DD, during nursing school she worked as an EMT and met a guy working on his fire figther certs. So she bailed on the "rock enroll star".


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## 827Aug

norajane said:


> Do you live in a small town? Maybe your daughter's horizons aren't yet broad enough to be able to understand this isn't the only guy out there for her, and that there are many different kinds of men who would bring many, many different and better things into her life than this guy.
> 
> She was 16 when they started dating...people aren't a great judge of character at that age.
> 
> Hopefully college will bring her into contact with people who have a different perspective on life than her current bf. College has a way of expanding our views and dreams and goals...she might realize she's outgrown him.


Although we do live in a small town, my daughter has certainly been exposed to the outside world. In addition to that, her dad lives in a very affluent community. Thankfully she is aware of the outside world. I just hope she can see that before it's too late.


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## 827Aug

the guy, thanks for sharing your story. The positive ending gives me hope. It's hard to see a child with so much potential keep getting in deeper.

I did say something to her today about the situation though. I simply asked her if she didn't see a problem with him staying employed and left it at that. I tried to be gentle with the phrasing. Hopefully it will "plant a seed" in her mind. 

My daughter is kind to a fault. She picks up stay animals and even stops to help turtles cross the highways. This boyfriend will take full advantage of her kind heart.


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## Bellavista

Ugh, my 18 yo daughter is also dating a 20 yo no hoper. She has been dating him since she was 16 & I cannot see the attraction.
He dropped out of his final year of school, he has had 2 jobs since he left school & both of those only lasted a week. He does not drive, he has no ambition, he lives with his mother & never, ever comes here to visit our daughter, she is always going to his place.
We no longer go on about his unsuitability as that just makes her defend him. I am hoping to goodness she gets into the music conservatorium next year & she meets someone else there & sees that this guy is not going to be able to support her long term.
Thankfully her dismal final year school results were enough to show her that she could not spend every waking moment with him, sitting around his mother's apartment & still achieve her goals.
I think all we can do as parents is be there to pick up the pieces when it all falls apart. As much as it hurts us as well, we cannot live their lives for them.


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## Lon

827, I was thinking of my own high school sweetheart during a little road trip, we started dating in grade 11, stayed together through her entire degreee - both of us were mature, responsible, and I think if I would have asked her to marry me I'm sure I would have had her and her parents appoval.

We were living together, used finances and the fact that we spent all our time together as an excuse to share accomodations, neither of our parents really objected too strongly, though I wouldn't be surprised if there was a little disappointment. But I just really didn't know what I was supposed to do, each of us was truly content, though maybe unsure of what else there was. When we broke up it was kinda mutual and without fanfare, neither of us just saw anything different in the future, I didn't see a marriage or family (that seemed like it was supposed to be decades away) and I don't think she saw me ever going for more.

I wish I had not gotten stuck there like that, I think I missed a large part of growing up and now I'm divorced from a different woman and feeling like there is some key ingredient I was supposed to have picked up during that period.

Just my take, feel free to share my story with your daughter if you think it would make any difference, though I know if someone told me about such a thing back then I just would have shrugged it off, thinking it really was different for me (and it is, everyone is unique except we are all mortal and have limited time on earth). Point of my story for you, is it doesn't matter if this boy is a "no hoper" or has real potential, these kids are stuck together out of no reason but having no other better looking possibilities.


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## Mavash.

I was 18 when I moved in with my slacker boyfriend. We lived together for 2 years before I got a clue and got out. I didn't learn anything though. Found another loser to move in with. Another 2 years went back and THEN I finally realized I deserved better. Met my now hard working, nice husband not long after. Married 21 years now.

My excuse is I was running from a toxic childhood home. I thought it was better to live with a boyfriend than my parents. No way in heck was I going to get married though. I just needed a place to live.


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## LovesHerMan

Ugh, we went through the same thing with our son. I had a heart-to-heart discussion with him about how irresponsible his girl friend was. I could not believe that he was so clueless about what she was like, when it was so obvious to me and my husband.

I chose my words very carefully so as not to offend, but our son refused to listen, and twisted everything that I said to him to make it sound like I was a judgmental, meddling mother. He let her live in his house for 2 years while he paid the mortgage alone, paid for her cell phone, and gave her his old car. She had a few part-time jobs, but mostly just sat around while he worked. She also had a child from a previous relationship.

He finally got tired of her lack of financial contribution to their household, her emotional instability, and has asked her to move out.

I wish that I had some good advice, but children seem to have to learn everything the hard way. I would not criticize the boyfriend, but just point out how difficult it will be to be married while attending college. Create a budget with her, and let her see how expensive everything is. Tell her that if they were meant to be together, time will not matter, and a waiting period will only stregthen their love.

Young people do not have the life experience to understand that there are some people in this world who are not capable of sustaining a long-term relationship, whether it is with a spouse or with an employer. The longer that she waits, the more apparent it will become to her that he is not the guy for her. Try to make her understand that taking her time will be the right thing to do. My only other thought would be to have another relative, or perhaps a friend, tell her what they went through if they married so young.


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## costa200

I have a little daughter (she is only 3) and this is a nightmare scenario for me. Please tell me if you find a way to get rid of the loser...


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## norajane

827Aug said:


> Although we do live in a small town, my daughter has certainly been exposed to the outside world. In addition to that, her dad lives in a very affluent community. Thankfully she is aware of the outside world. I just hope she can see that before it's too late.


Your daughter is kind, and smart, and is willing to work. I'm sure there are a lot of exciting things she is imaging for her life. I think she'll see it when she sees that he isn't able to keep up with her dreams and goals. And I suspect that will start happening in about 6 weeks when she starts college and he stays the same.


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## 827Aug

Bellavista said:


> Ugh, my 18 yo daughter is also dating a 20 yo no hoper. She has been dating him since she was 16 & I cannot see the attraction.
> He dropped out of his final year of school, he has had 2 jobs since he left school & both of those only lasted a week. He does not drive, he has no ambition, he lives with his mother & never, ever comes here to visit our daughter, she is always going to his place.
> We no longer go on about his unsuitability as that just makes her defend him. I am hoping to goodness she gets into the music conservatorium next year & she meets someone else there & sees that this guy is not going to be able to support her long term.
> Thankfully her dismal final year school results were enough to show her that she could not spend every waking moment with him, sitting around his mother's apartment & still achieve her goals.
> I think all we can do as parents is be there to pick up the pieces when it all falls apart. As much as it hurts us as well, we cannot live their lives for them.


I'm sorry you are also going through this situation. Hope things turn around for her as well.


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## 827Aug

Lon said:


> 827, I was thinking of my own high school sweetheart during a little road trip, we started dating in grade 11, stayed together through her entire degreee - both of us were mature, responsible, and I think if I would have asked her to marry me I'm sure I would have had her and her parents appoval.
> 
> We were living together, used finances and the fact that we spent all our time together as an excuse to share accomodations, neither of our parents really objected too strongly, though I wouldn't be surprised if there was a little disappointment. But I just really didn't know what I was supposed to do, each of us was truly content, though maybe unsure of what else there was. When we broke up it was kinda mutual and without fanfare, neither of us just saw anything different in the future, I didn't see a marriage or family (that seemed like it was supposed to be decades away) and I don't think she saw me ever going for more.
> 
> I wish I had not gotten stuck there like that, I think I missed a large part of growing up and now I'm divorced from a different woman and feeling like there is some key ingredient I was supposed to have picked up during that period.
> 
> Just my take, feel free to share my story with your daughter if you think it would make any difference, though I know if someone told me about such a thing back then I just would have shrugged it off, thinking it really was different for me (and it is, everyone is unique except we are all mortal and have limited time on earth). Point of my story for you, is it doesn't matter if this boy is a "no hoper" or has real potential, these kids are stuck together out of no reason but having no other better looking possibilities.


Thanks for the insight, Lon. It does make sense. It's comparable to a small child's security blanket. Unfortunately I feel that my estranged husband and I are in part to blame for some of this. Our situation became so unstable for the children. My husband was cheating, and went through a small fortune. I became very sick in 2009 and we lost our business in 2010. Now, I'm losing the family home barring a miracle. It has been six very long, volatile years. I can see where my daughter is ready to find refuge from the storm. However, it will only be in the eye of the storm.


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## 827Aug

Mavash. said:


> I was 18 when I moved in with my slacker boyfriend. We lived together for 2 years before I got a clue and got out. I didn't learn anything though. Found another loser to move in with. Another 2 years went back and THEN I finally realized I deserved better. Met my now hard working, nice husband not long after. Married 21 years now.
> 
> My excuse is I was running from a toxic childhood home. I thought it was better to live with a boyfriend than my parents. No way in heck was I going to get married though. I just needed a place to live.


I'm glad you got past that and have a happy ending to tell about. As I stated to Lon, I believe our family turmoil has had an impact on our daughter's decision making.


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## that_girl

Have you talked to your daughter? What does she say?


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## Mavash.

I'm so sorry. I suspected that her past somehow contributed to the present. Don't give up hope though I rose above it and maybe she will too. You sound caring whereas both of my parents sucked. Lol


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## Bellavista

Well, our daughter has not had a toxic chilhood, other than having 3 older brothers who stirred her mercilessly. She was 7 when H & I were separated for a year, but as she is rather self absorbed, it had little impact on her, she will even admit this.
In her case, when I ask why she goes for boys like her boyfriend, she says she wants to help them. She is a rescuer. like her eldest brother who has a daughter with the most crazy girl ever.


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## 827Aug

lovesherman, thanks for the input. Glad your son finally saw the light. How old is he?

Since I wouldn't give my blessings for a marriage, they are just going to live together *at his parent's house*. They are going to pay rent to them. His mother has orchestrated some scheme whereby he can get a PELL grant for college. Even I can see all of that isn't going to fly. His mother is behind a lot of this nonsense anyway.

As for budgets, my daughter is the queen of budgets. I'm amazed at how she stretches her money and resists so many budget busters. She hardly ever asks me for money. That's yet another problem area with her boyfriend though. Even while working he never had money. His car isn't running, and my daughter pays for dates. Yet, she never questions what he did with his money.


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## LovesHerMan

He's 27. I wish I knew how to get through to inexperienced young people. It is heart-breaking when you see how unhappy they are going to be, but there is nothing that you can say when they have their blinders so firmly in place.

I think that our son is afraid of rejection, and so he passively accepts women who go after him. It is easier than pursuing women who may not be interested in him. He is so good-looking, too!

I felt better that I expressed my thoughts, even if he chose to ignore them. You are right to walk carefully around this situation, as you don't want to push her into his arms out of rebellion. I would do my best to make suggestions to her, and if she persists, just accept it, and try to help her through the aftermath. Make sure she is aware of birth control methods.


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## costa200

> His car isn't running, and my daughter pays for dates.


Guy with no pride at all. what a deadbeat...


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## moco82

Tell her: no wedding for you until you receive your PhD  Time cleanses brains.


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## 827Aug

costa200 said:


> I have a little daughter (she is only 3) and this is a nightmare scenario for me. Please tell me if you find a way to get rid of the loser...


Hope you can miss out on this scenario with her. Stay tuned and we shall see.




costa200 said:


> Guy with no pride at all. what a deadbeat...


Isn't that the truth!


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## 827Aug

that_girl said:


> Have you talked to your daughter? What does she say?


I have had a few conversations with my daughter about the situation. They have been very brief (and non-confrontational)though. She takes up for him, so anything I say falls on deaf ears. The last thing I want to do is hurt her feelings. She already doesn't talk to me about anything pertaining to her boyfriend. She knows how I feel.

Her twin sister does have those brutally honest conversations with her though. That's why the boyfriend and his mother dislike my other daughter so much. I have also warned both of them about letting a guy come between them. Unfortunately the boyfriend and his mother would like nothing better than to do that. The boyfriend and his mother also bad-mouth me a lot too (from what I hear).


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## Corpuswife

I would continue to be supportive of your daughter. 

I've had a similar situation with my 18 year old daughter. Eventually, they will see the light. 

If you start nagging or talking about the relationship to her, she will defend him to the fullest and always take his side. It will just prolong the relationship. 

I am going on the second boyfriend that isn't a good "fit." The first one she left after he was "going no where." This second one...he's is worse than the first (in a different way) but I pray that she will see the light soon.

good luck


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## kag123

Yikes what a sad situation. I have a 2.5 year old little girl and I just want to keep her this age forever. 

I just wanted to hopefully make you feel better. I, too, dated a loser for 4 years. 10th grade through second year of college. He was older (which I thought was so cool), but had no ambition. Lived with mommy, didn't pay any bills, didn't keep a job for more than a few months, would sign up for classes at the local community college each semester and drop them halfway in when he was failing all of them because he was just too lazy to show up for class. But would tell everyone he was in college if they ever let on any judgment about why he didn't have a real job yet or a place of his own.

I am very smart, straight A student, got my bachelors degree. Don't feel like you are somehow to blame for this. I came from a stable family, parents still together, no major dramas, well-off financially and I still made the same mistake that your daughter is making.

I have to tell you that despite all of his common sense failings, he was very kind and sweet and he treated me like gold. Obviously he had no money and didn't buy me things, but he was emotionally supportive during a time when I was fragile (as a lot of teens are) and I remember naively thinking that I should overlook all of the other common sense problems because of how good he made me feel. I am still in contact with him occasionally and he's still the sweetest and kindest person but yea...still going nowhere fast.

In my case once I got into college and began taking my studies seriously, thinking about a future career path, his lack of ambition did bother me. I spent two years thinking I could change him and motivate him, so I did a lot of hand holding trying to get him to be more serious about school and helping him find various jobs. I had to beat my head into the wall a few hundred times before I realized I couldn't cure his laziness and that we were growing apart.

Now I always feel a little bittersweet about it. I wish I hadn't wasted so much of my youth in that relationship when most of my other friends were dating around just having fun. But I learned so much from the experience, and I learned what I will and will not compromise on. I went polar opposite and my husband is incredibly smart and ambitious, he has a masters degree and a solid career path and he is not lazy at all.

There really wasn't anyrhing that anyone could have said to me back then to make me see the mistake I was making, because I wasn't ready to hear it. If your daughter hasn't listened to you yet, its unlikely she will. Just pray that once she goes to college she will outgrow him and come to her senses on her own. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bkaydezz

827Aug said:


> For the longest time, I have basically said nothing about my daughter's relationship with her boyfriend. It's now to the point I'm having a hard time not voicing my concerns.
> 
> My daughter is 18 and has been seeing her boyfriend (age 20) for 2 1/2 years. Since this is the only boy she has ever really dated, I assumed the relationship would be a passing thing. Last fall he asked her to marry him and wanted my blessing. I told both of them that they would not have my blessings until he could find a career path. Well, it's now 8 months later and nothing has really changed. He's still clueless. But, he wants her to move in with him (at his parent's home).
> 
> The boyfriend really is clueless about life. He acts like he's 13. A lot of that has to do with how he was brought up. Heck, his parents (all four of them) are still micromanaging his life--and doing a lousy job of it, I might add. The boyfriend basically blew off doing his high school assignments and didn't get to graduate with his class. A year later he finally got his diploma. However, he is always the first to tell everyone how intelligent he is. He then applied to several branches of the military and was turned down by all of them. He has had three part-time jobs since. At two of the places, management cut his hours until finally he was just on call. The third place terminated him this weekend right before his probationary period ended. They said he wasn't what they were looking for. I have heard through the grapevine he is annoying, immature, and just plain obnoxious at work. Not a big surprise, since that's how I see him when he isn't at work. It is never his fault and my daughter believes that whole-heartily.
> 
> I love my daughter and I hate to see her settle for something less than what she is. She graduated top of her class, works part-time, and is enrolled in college this fall. She is very mature and responsible. Basically she is everything he is not.
> 
> Anyone else care to share about a similar situation? And the outcome? Advice?



If the boys family is is doing a lousy job at managing his life then that could be some fault of whats going on.
20 is still the age where we all are immature. I see many many adults who act worse than some younger people.
I didnt do my work in school and got left a grade behind didnt gradute with my class and i am not in college. What does that make me? I think you have your your expectations set too high. As we all will do as we choose when we grow up. As parents i think we all want this big dream and great career and money for them. We arent the ones who are going to make that choice for them.She will have to grow on her own and learn these things all you can do is guide her, not change her and what she wants. Noone changes because someone wants them too. If anything it makes them rebellious. I am not siding on this. Its difficult as i was at one point like this boy, but have grown alot and have a wonderful life. I am not a loser because i didnt go to college. I am not less of a person because i am who i am. I feel like i got that out of what you posted as if you are very judgemental about him, like your daughter is too good for anyone. That is her choice. Im sure you can remember being around people you new were good but your parents thought otherwise by passing judgement and you got upset. Then again not everyone goes through the same things.


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## HiMaint57

I have to jump in here because I married the guy my parents disapproved of. He never was and still isn't a loser -- far from it -- but he came from an abusive home and "the wrong side of the tracks." Plus we were very different from each other. First guy I'd ever dated -- mom said to wait and date more guys. The more they objected, the more I dug my heels in. I felt guilty about their disapproval, but I didn't feel right about breaking up on that basis alone. We were both 23 at the time.

Well, 32 years later our marriage is on life support. Total disconnect. I know I missed out on college life and the whole youth experience. Hopefully your daughter will realize what you've been trying to tell her, but IMO parents need to back off completely.


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## 827Aug

Corpuswife, thanks for the encouragement. I sincerely hope your daughter finds the right man too. It's really tough waiting these things out on the sidelines though.


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## that_girl

Support her relationship 100% then (but give no money). Ask them to dinner, learn to like the guy. If it's just out of rebellion, she'll dump him once she knows mom likes him or is trying to.

When I was 17/18, my mom HATED my bf. He was a douche too...had she just jumped in and was all about him and "us", I'd probably have dumped him. :rofl:


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## 827Aug

kag123, thanks for sharing your story. I so hope this one has a happy ending too. It really does give me hope. Unfortunately when I look around, I see way too many stories like my daughter's (and yours) which didn't end well though.


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## Almostrecovered

"But MOM I love him!!"

you could always let her know that both and her and BF's brain haven't physically developed fully yet and that in 3-4 years their outlook could very different. Find the stats on marrying young


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## 827Aug

HiMaint57 said:


> I have to jump in here because I married the guy my parents disapproved of. He never was and still isn't a loser -- far from it -- but he came from an abusive home and "the wrong side of the tracks." Plus we were very different from each other. First guy I'd ever dated -- mom said to wait and date more guys. The more they objected, the more I dug my heels in. I felt guilty about their disapproval, but I didn't feel right about breaking up on that basis alone. We were both 23 at the time.
> 
> Well, 32 years later our marriage is on life support. Total disconnect. I know I missed out on college life and the whole youth experience. Hopefully your daughter will realize what you've been trying to tell her, but IMO parents need to back off completely.


I'm so sorry your story has not been a happy one. Hope things get better for you.


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## 827Aug

that_girl said:


> Support her relationship 100% then (but give no money). Ask them to dinner, learn to like the guy. If it's just out of rebellion, she'll dump him once she knows mom likes him or is trying to.
> 
> When I was 17/18, my mom HATED my bf. He was a douche too...had she just jumped in and was all about him and "us", I'd probably have dumped him. :rofl:


That's basically what I have done. That strategy was going along fine until he asked to marry her 8 months ago. I told him he would not get my blessings until he was on a career path. Well, he didn't take that well. I was very nice to him in every other way. Anyway, he has not been to my house since. And from what I hear, he and his mother are doing anything and everything to alienate my daughter from all of us. Someone also told me the boyfriend's mom is planning a wedding for them. 

When my daughter moves in with them, I will not be giving her money. I will continue to pay for college books and fees.....but that's it.


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## moco82

Good thinking. Set up an escrow account/trust fund. One of my colleague's grandfather built up a business all his life and sold it before retiring. He put most proceeds in a fund that was to be used by his descendants only for higher education. Decades later, his great-grandchildren don't have to worry about mortgage-sized student loans, and no dead-beats in the family.


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## costa200

> That's basically what I have done. That strategy was going along fine until he asked to marry her 8 months ago. I told him he would not get my blessings until he was on a career path. Well, he didn't take that well.


So i get that he is expecting to be supported by his parents and in-laws?


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## 827Aug

I don't think he has even thought that one out. He is still so childlike. It doesn't help the situation that his mother enables his behavior. Besides, he will send my daughter out to work while he plays video games.


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## costa200

827Aug said:


> I don't think he has even thought that one out. He is still so childlike. It doesn't help the situation that his mother enables his behavior. Besides, he will send my daughter out to work while he plays video games.


sounds like a great gameplan for life...


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## Bellavista

827Aug said:


> I don't think he has even thought that one out. He is still so childlike. It doesn't help the situation that his mother enables his behavior. Besides, he will send my daughter out to work while he plays video games.


Oh yeah, know that one! My daughter was sick this week, did her loser boyfriend come to visit? Nope. He lives in the next suburb over, there is a bus stop near his place & a bus stop 1 house away from our place, yet he can't drag his lazy a** away from his computer games for a couple of hours to visit the sick girlfriend.

Meanwhile, my daughter is working with me in a job she hates & actively looking for another job because we won't just hand out money willy-nilly. She is far from perfect but is better than what this boy can offer.


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## Tikii

Whatever you do, do not pressure her against him, or bad mouth him to her. It will push her closer to him, and that's the last thing you want.

I don't have any kids, but I can relate from your daughter's standpoint. When I was 16, I started dating my no ex boyfriend. He was a high school-homeschool drop out. He was 19, lived with his mom and worked construction making half decent money. My mom did NOT like him. She did however, allow me to continue the relationship with him, never bad mouthed him, never tried to separate us. We dated for nearly two years. I was top of my class in high school, aimed for firefighting and EMS. He was happy with his $400/wk and steadly declining job, living with his mom and being financially irresponsible. I started pressuring him to get his GED, go back to school and get a degree-he considered something in construction-couldn't tell you what it was at this point. He thought about it, and that's as far as that ever went. He had no desire to actually move through with it, and I began to get more and more irritated with him, until our relationship was basically unbearable for either of us. He ended up breaking up with me because of the stress I was putting on the relaionship. I knew what I wanted in life, and he wasn't working on helping me get to that point.

We broke up my senior year in high school. I was in Firefighter and EMT classes and met an amazing, driven and responsible man who I now very happy to call my husband. At 18 we were engaged, at 19 we were married, at 20 we purchased our first home, and at nearly 24 we are happily married and right where we want to be in our lives. I am a volunteer firefighter "Chief medical office" at the rank of Lieutenant, and a paramedic working for a specialist doctor's office giving chemo treatments-doing procedures etc. I'm living the life I never dreamed I could have. My husband is an EMT, starting Paramedic school Aug 20th, working for the county fire department. He is getting his employeer to pay for all future education.

My ex-still lives with his mom, works nights at Wal*Mart(because they don't think he has the people skills to work while customers are in the store), drives the same POS truck he had at 17 and at 26 years old has nothing to show for himself. 

ANOTHER SCENARIO-

A friend of our from high school was top of her class, in school to be a vet, a doctor's child. Had EVERYTHING she ever wanted or needed. Her boyfriend was a deadbeat. Had never had a job, came from a very poor broken family, who couldn't keep jobs, and he was following in their foot steps. Her parents didn't approve and did everything in their power to break them apart. Six years later, they are living with his grandmother because her parents disowned her, she had to drop out of school. He has lost the only job he ever had(which lasted about 2 months-a job I got for him), and the EMT license that got him that job(Just because he didn't bother to renew it). They have no hope for future at this point, and the only reason they are together is because their parents determination to destroy them pushed them together and they are determined to prove that they CAN make it. She is living a miserable life, and is too proud to admit her parents were right. He is just a lazy bum, who will never do anything for her.


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## CLucas976

I married someone I shouldn't have.

In the beginning all my mom wanted was for me to move home and "make it work." I had ran out of that house when I hit 18, and was not going back for anything. I moved in with my now ex two weeks after we started dating, we were determined to make it and do it ourselves.

turns out I was determined to make it and do it myself, and he was just playing along. I had the world by the balls, decided to take a year off, had no stable home, and here I am 7 years later. back with mom, piecing everything back together.

One of the famous things he said was "your parents will never try to steer you wrong, but it doesn't always mean they know what's right for you" I'm pretty sure the longest he's had a job solidly was one year, the rest of them are 6 months or less, he's dropped out of college twice, he's driving the car his parents gave him (him specifically, not us) is strung out on drugs, considers himself a shaman, and makes projects out of people. (you know, helping them with drugs)

It's amazing what women will put themselves through. But, my point was, even though it took me a while I still woke up. I still put myself through college while working full time and have not been unemployed since I was 19. If she's the smart girl you say she is, she will wake up, but don't push for it, or she'll end up with something to prove. No parent wants to watch their kids make mistakes, but rarely does anyone get through life doing everything right. just be there for her and pray she never ends up signing those papers.


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## the guy

My fWW's friend is going thru the same thing and had a blow out with her DD and BF, it got physical and cops were called.

Now the DD is living with the BF and BF parents and the BF parent are footing the bill for the wedding.

The point is now DD's mom (my W friend) no longer have com's.....So with all your strength do not let these poeple get the better of you. As painful as it is show the support to your DD and prevent the above story from happening to you.

Take this at a warning, emotions will flare and you must stay in check no matter how much you hate the sitch b/c its not worth being estranged from your DD.

We as parents wish there was a magic button that would prevent the misstakes our kids make.

So in the mean time, while you wait for this train wreck to happen, I suggest you keep pushing school. What I mean is since the both of you don't have a coomen ground with the BF, then focus on budgets, school, careers, money, and what all these thing will bring to your DD...no more talk about BF.

IS there another mentor or another person that can help you keep her focus on her schooling and career path? The dangerous thing here is BF and BF's mom will surly side track your DD's focus, so it will be best to get as many people you can to help DD stay focused on the prize of having an education.

So good luck on getting a support group that will keep her focused on not getting pergo and staying in school. We all no any effort with regard to the BF and marriage are useless so it sould never be the topic of conversation...ever!

But a conversation about how successful poeple with a good education and career path have it made...

We can only pray that when DD does move out that the reality is so much more in her face DD sees the light before the M.


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## 827Aug

Tikii & CLucas 976, thanks for sharing.


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## that_girl

Why continue to pay for college? She's making choices for herself...she can be a grown up and get a loan.

I dunno...maybe I'm just mean


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## 827Aug

the guy, thanks for the input. That's basically my approach. I never bash the boyfriend (or his family) directly. However, I do harp on the importance of education and that education should be priority #1. Honestly, I don't have to say a whole lot. Her twin sister tells her plenty!

Although my daughter has yet to tell me she is moving in with them, my other daughter tells me it is soon. My estranged husband and I had a discussion about this a few days ago. He's not happy about it. Considering his new lifestyle, he is in no position to say anything to her. But, my MIL is very unhappy about the situation also. It seems she will be coming to town soon for a lunch visit with my daughter. So, the drama continues....

I don't know of anyone who could mentor my daughter. That's also another issue. She hardly has friends outside of the boyfriend's circle.


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## 827Aug

that_girl said:


> Why continue to pay for college? She's making choices for herself...she can be a grown up and get a loan.
> 
> I dunno...maybe I'm just mean


Her college tuition was prepaid when she was an infant. I want her to get an education. Hopefully, that will be the one thing which eventually divides her and the BF. I will pay for nothing else though--Books and fees only.


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## FirstYearDown

Almostrecovered said:


> "But MOM I love him!!"
> 
> you could always let her know that both and her and BF's brain haven't physically developed fully yet and that in 3-4 years their outlook could very different. Find the stats on marrying young


:iagree::iagree:

I was engaged at age 18, to a cutter who was emotionally abusive and semi literate. I didn't understand the difference between love and pity. My mother talked me out of marriage at that age and I am so happy that I listened to her, even though at the time, I was angry at my mom for not being supportive.

When I was 20, I was with a spoiled trust fund man who was like an overgrown baby. Besides looking like a hobbit with skinny legs and a huge belly, this fool was very controlling. He was hilariously lazy, yet he thought he was wise enough to tell everyone what to do with their lives. I was so needy and naive then. My parents were beside themselves when I dated this guy; it took TWO YEARS for me to come to my senses. I left him when I moved out of my parent's house. 

Women who dated a lot before they married have what I like to call "shake your head boys". These are wildly inappropriate losers, who make us shake our heads when we remember them with the wisdom we gain over the years. 

Your daughter is smart, 827Aug. She will come to her senses. What a great job you are doing about not badgering her into leaving this man-it can make daughters cling even harder to their unsuitable men.


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## the guy

@that-girl, the last thing you want to do is remove other options and interest from the child. right now there are so many bad influences effecting this kid.

So the sweeter the deal the more influence to continue. 

My thinking is now is not the time to show tough love, what sucks is that time will come soon enough with the pressures from BF and BF mom while they try to turn DD in to the new mommy for BF. 

Hell, co colvert and set your DD up and make it look like she is cheating, a set up that just might make BF mom change her tune...even if it never happened, just the perception that it happened would........well lets not stoop to there level...or should we? LOL


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## the guy

827Aug, Im feeling kind of froggy and forgive me for thinking out side the box.

Go James Bond on your DD and make it look like she is seeing some one else. Get all computor graphic and post pics with DD and some guy on her FB. Plant love notes in her car for BF to find. Get a burner cell phone and send incriminating text.

Maybe I'm just hanging out to much over at CWI forumn. LOL

I'm just joking, cuz if DD ever found out you would deffinatly be astranged form DD.

Just thought you might need a laugh in these trying times.


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## EleGirl

When my daugher first started to show interest in boy I figured out that she seemed to become more protective of and attached to the boys that we told her we did not like.

Then we found a very good way to get rid of boys we did not like.

We acted as though we loved them. She would invite the guy over and we would just shower him with attention, tell her how great he was.

Well apparently it's no fun to date a guy that her parents loved. She’d dump a guy as soon we did this.


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## EleGirl

827Aug said:


> That's basically what I have done. That strategy was going along fine until he asked to marry her 8 months ago. I told him he would not get my blessings until he was on a career path. Well, he didn't take that well. I was very nice to him in every other way. Anyway, he has not been to my house since. And from what I hear, he and his mother are doing anything and everything to alienate my daughter from all of us. Someone also told me the boyfriend's mom is planning a wedding for them.
> 
> When my daughter moves in with them, I will not be giving her money. I will continue to pay for college books and fees.....but that's it.


Have you ever spoken to his mother?


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## kate542

My daughter was at college doing her A Levels, when she met a man of 28yrs a Turkish business man he had take away shops and fell for him. 
After some months he asked for her hand in marriage, she was 18yrs we said no and were very upset but she got engaged and moved out of our home just before she went to University. 
We didn't stop seeing her and helped with there flat decorating because I still wanted a relationship with her. 
She lived with him for 3 years, went to University and worked part time as well, by this time he had sold the shops and wasn't working. 
One day she went to the ATM machine to withdraw money for her bus fare and there was nothing in her bank account, she had to walk all the way into town to get to UNI. 
When she came back he said he had needed the money to help a friend later she found out he gambled all his money from the sale of his shops plus her money for Uni.
We got a phone call asking if she could come back home and I went straight away to pick up my lovely daughter and was so glad we hadn't fallen out about this.


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## 827Aug

EleGirl said:


> Have you ever spoken to his mother?


No, not that I can remember. Both his mother, step-dad, dad are really scare anytime we've been around. It's weird. They really want nothing to do with me or my estranged husband. They don't even want my other daughter showing up to their place.


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## 827Aug

Thanks for sharing, Kate. I plan to maintain a relationship with my daughter. Right now she is planning to come stay with me every other weekend. Of course, I welcome that.


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## 827Aug

*Update*

Well, my daughter moved out three weeks ago. She is now taking college courses and will be starting a new job Monday morning. The job is still with the county but better hours and pay. Everything on that front is looking good.

Unfortunately, some things aren't improving. The boyfriend and his family are still in the picture. I have a feeling this is going to be another Jerry Springer drama. The drama got interesting this morning. My daughter called her twin sister this morning throughly ticked with her boyfriend and his family. Yep, the boyfriend still does not have a job. He had an interview last week but completely blew it. His step-father made him call the business daily for the past week asking if he was hired. Finally the place told him no and asked that he stop calling them. My daughter had told him not to call them. Nonetheless, the boyfriend said his step-father knew more than my daughter. 

Over the week my daughter had to make the boyfriend go down to the state employment office and get signed up. Yeah, he hadn't even done that yet. Anyway, he had a job interview this morning for positions at a new business opening soon. My daughter had his clothes for the interview selected and ready. Nope, his parents wouldn't have that. They picked out something completely inappropriate (& clashing). There again the boyfriend said his parents knew more than my daughter. The boyfriend went out the door dressed like that. My daughter was so angry and embarrassed. These people just can not understand why he seldom gets anywhere at interviews. Even if he does get hired, it doesn't last more than three months. My other daughter just told her sister to get used to it. God, I pray she sees the light soon.


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## Corpuswife

She already has begun to see the light based upon your update! Give it time. She will tire of him.


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## 827Aug

I'm feeling more hopeful tonight as well.


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## Cooper

Hey Aug, I didn't read all the post here but I have a pretty good idea of the situation, a lot of what I have gone thru myself with my 21 year old daughter. Even when you force them to see the light it doesn't always shine bright enough to get thru their love fog.

How about offering the boyfriend options? I know you have a large family, anyone there able to offer him a job? Maybe even something on the ranch? It's one thing if he doesn't show up for some random interview but if he embarasses her in front of the family she will get ticked. How about offering to pay for some college classes, just to see if he would go. It's obvious your daughter understands the value of education. I just did that for my daughters boyfriend, another 21 year old who "wants" but doesn't try very hard to get. I offered to pay for a couple classes at community college, boy he was all excited and thankful, my daughter helped thru all the paperwork and guess what, classes started last week and he decided to wait until next semester, now just wasn't a good time because.....

You are doing well by not driving your daughter away, keep the door open, counsel and support, honestly all you can do at this point. Good luck.


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## 827Aug

Cooper, that's excellent advice. I've actually seen that strategy work out for other family members. My aunt and uncle did that for their son-in-law. He's now a Ph.D and author of several theology books. However, my problems is that I can't afford to pay for anything for this guy. If it weren't for me prepaying our children's college tuition, they wouldn't be getting to go either. I'm flat out broke!


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## Bellavista

About 2 weeks ago, I told my daughter all about a job opportunity that would suit her boyfriend. It was with the same company that both she & I work casually for, he would be doing mowing & gardening, which apparently he likes.
When she told him about it, he came up with many excuses why he could not do the job, including the fact his mother was going to get him to work for her (art gallery). No sign of him working for his mother at this stage. When I asked D what was happening, she said in an exasperated tone that she didn't know. First time I have seen her lose patience with him.
When I spoke to the boy's mother recently, she was making excuses for him, why he cannot work. Seems in this instance, he has been taught he should not get a job.


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## 827Aug

Bellavista said:


> About 2 weeks ago, I told my daughter all about a job opportunity that would suit her boyfriend. It was with the same company that both she & I work casually for, he would be doing mowing & gardening, which apparently he likes.
> When she told him about it, he came up with many excuses why he could not do the job, including the fact his mother was going to get him to work for her (art gallery). No sign of him working for his mother at this stage. When I asked D what was happening, she said in an exasperated tone that she didn't know. First time I have seen her lose patience with him.
> When I spoke to the boy's mother recently, she was making excuses for him, why he cannot work. Seems in this instance, he has been taught he should not get a job.


Hope your daughter is starting to see the light also.


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## Mizpah

Sounds a lot like my first boyfriend...I was with him for over three years, and we started dating when I was 17 and he was almost 21. I was starting college, and nervous, and I had a troubled homelife so he became my safety net. I always knew he was "off" and different, but I believed most of it was an act. We got engaged when I was 18, planned a wedding, and the whole shebang. 

It wasn't until I was 20 years old, that he was still living at home, unwilling to help with anything, participate in planning, and then stopped wanting to go out all together in favor of his video games that I started to become unhappy. Then we had one of our worst arguments ever, and it came out that he had pretty much lied to me about everything and he was far more unstable than I had thought. Even told me I better be okay with a sexless marriage three months before our wedding date (don't know if it would have actually happened since he was so unhelpful with the planning) because he, a virgin like myself at the time, decided that sex sounded disgusting. 

I staid with him a few more weeks, but ended up breaking things off with him. Honestly, I staid with him as long as I did because of the safety net thing, the worry I'd lose the friends I'd made through and during him, but mostly because my parents were always pushing me to leave him. 

As hard as it is, you have to let your daughter see for herself that this is a mistake, and I pray it's before they marry. The more you push, the more you risk pushing her away or closer to him. I met my now-husband, and while we're having some problems right now he is amazing and nothing like my ex, three days after I would have been married to my ex. Eerie.


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## 827Aug

Thanks for providing hope.


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## Mizpah

No problem


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## 827Aug

What drama! My daughter moved back in with us a couple of weeks ago. This has definitely been another "Jerry Springer" episode. Unfortunately the fight was with her boyfriend's mother and step-dad. She and the boyfriend are still a couple. 

She now sees her future in-laws for what they really are. Her boyfriend is just like them. Oh, I so wish she could see that!


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## Bellavista

Well, all we can do with these girls of ours, is hope & pray they see the light before they have kids or get married to the unsuitable boyfriends.


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## 827Aug

Wonderful news! My daughter and her boyfriend broke up after 3 years. She finally saw he was no different than his parents. He gave her an ultimatum; she said goodbye. She hasn't even been teary-eyed over the break up. And fortunately hasn't missed a beat when it comes to work and school. His parents made her so mad last month. Perhaps it's the anger that is making her feel a sense of "good riddance".

Thanks again for all the support. I sincerely hope others going through similar situations have a happy ending as well.


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## turnera

Yay!


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## Mizpah

Yay!


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