# Husband never pursues sex



## curlyfry (Jul 9, 2012)

Please help. My husband and I have been married for 2 1/2 years. We're both 28 and get along pretty well most of the time. I would describe him as an affectionate person. He gives me plenty of kisses and hugs and he doesn't complain when I want to cuddle on the couch. The problem is that we hardly ever have sex anymore and if we do, I'm almost always the one to initiate it. In his defense, he's never actually rejected me. But there are plenty of times that I make it very apparent by flirting, kissing, rubbing, etc. that I am in the mood, and he usually doesn't meet me half way. I have to practically take his pants off to get anywhere.

I know my husband had his fair share of "hook ups" before we started dating, so clearly he liked sex once upon a time. When we did start dating, we had sex frequently and in different positions and places. I know that it's normal for things to mellow out a little after marriage, but now it's very "vanilla" and almost utilitarian. There's no foreplay, making out, not even a lot of kissing. His tools seem to function just fine and he has no trouble at all finishing the deed. I asked him to go to the doctor and get his testosterone checked (he did so without complaint) and it came back fine, so I can't even attribute this to health.

I have asked him countless times why he doesn't enjoy sex and his responses are always the same: "I never said I don't enjoy sex. I do." When I disagree with him, he tells me that I shouldn't tell him how he feels. "Maybe you just have a bigger sex drive than me" is another common response. The other day we got into a fight about it (among other things) and he said "I'm sorry that I don't want to have sex every day! I just don't", which made me feel like he was shifting the blame to me. I'm no nympho by any means, folks. There are plenty of times that I'm not in the mood myself but I do enjoy sex at the appropriate time and I think it's very important for a marriage. I've even tried bringing some porn into the bedroom, because I know he likes it, but he doesn't seem nearly as interested in it if I'm there. I would like most men would like a free pass to watch porn ??

I try to be open-minded. I've asked him if there's something in particular he wants me to do, if I need to change anything, if he finds me attractive. The discussion always ends the same and he assures me that he's satisfied with everything and is attracted to me. I am completely out of ideas here. Maybe I'm just creating a problem where there isn't one, but given our young age and good health, I just don't find this normal. I consider myself a fairly attractive girl with a decent figure. I can't figure out why my husband doesn't seem particularly interested in it. I don't feel that all of my needs are being met and I find myself at times day dreaming about sex with other men because I don't feel like my husband wants me.

Is it possible that I make myself too sexually available to him?

I'll also say that I don't have any suspicions of him cheating on me. It's also worth mentioning that my husband has a very strong interest in video games, which I could rant about on a different thread for pages and pages. Basically, if he's home alone of if I'm doing homework, he's playing his play station. He's good to turn it off when I'm ready for some "us" time, but if he's not playing it, then he's often chatting about it on this silly facebook group he's in. He's always enjoyed video games but it has definitely increased over the last year or two. I don't know that this gaming obsession has anything to do with our sex life, but I thought I would throw that out there since it's the other leading cause of contention in our marriage.

I welcome and appreciate any thoughts.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Sorry, but it sounds like you married a boy and not a man.

How often do you two spend time together? How often does he imitate affection toward you?

I would suggest you back off...a lot! Keep your smile and happy face, this isn't about pouting or sulking or silent treatments. Don't be affectionate toward him, no couch cuddles. Don't initiate sex. Just be the roommate he's asking for. Get busy doing your own thing.

If he mentions your change, all you do is smile sweetly and say..but honey, I was under the impression I've been asking too much of you. Because that is the clear signal you have been sending. This is the new me. If you want the old me back, show me you really want to be with me by limiting the damn games, giving me affection on your own, and pretending you want me by initiating sex with me!

If he doesn't say anything within two weeks, he IS having an affair!


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Do you guys have kids yet? I is likely just as he says - he might just have a very low sex drive and may not need sex too often. It may not be anything you are doing or not doing.

You will find you arent alone here in this problem. It's not to not be alone but sad that it seems so common.

I agree with anon in that you may get his attention by totally cutting him off. The downside is that getting a low drive person to notice they have been cut off can take a very long time - and sometimes it's a relief to the low drive partner. 

I have taken the advice of many of the men here and started working on myself, keeping myself busy with other things and accepting opportunities to go out with my girlfriends. It has both gotten my husband's attention and has made me feel better about myself as well. It's made me feel like I could make it I I ended up single again and the mental change got my husband nervous.


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## Quant (Jul 15, 2013)

Here's the real question, have you gained weight or otherwise gotten less attractive.


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

As a man, I do like a challenge...and I like to pursue my wife. I agree with Anon Pink. Back off and let him see the change in you. Don't always give in to him. See how he reacts...


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## soulsearch (Aug 2, 2013)

no man will ever answer truthfully the questions "what can i change" or "am i fat"

you have to look at someone's actions. words mean nothing.
if things are well in all other aspects but sex, the problem is with your sex life. maybe something you do, or don't do... maybe it's something visual... you'll have to work on things one by one until you get it.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Notable that all the male responses seem to direct blame at the OP for this issue. 

A strange double standard I have noticed here. If a man is getting no sex something is wrong with his wife. If the wife is getting no sex something is still wrong with the wife.


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## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

Addiction can affect ones sex drive dramatically (it does not have to signal an affair simply if he does not come around. Really there are other causes like ED and depression so don't jump on the typical TAM "it must be an affair" train just yet but keep an eye out too)....however I think that the posters above me are right. Cool down and back off see what he makes of that.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

MissScarlett said:


> Notable that all the male responses seem to direct blame at the OP for this issue.
> 
> A strange double standard I have noticed here. If a man is getting no sex something is wrong with his wife. If the wife is getting no sex something is still wrong with the wife.


I was gonna say only a few, but a second look... Nope only I Notice The Details gets the award for not going straight to something she's done to cause him to turn away from her.
INTD rocks!

Ah MissScarlett, you have a way of saying the exact same thing I want to say, only soooo much nicer!

Because the dude who asked if she gained weight.... OMG that boys headed for some serious relationship trouble if that was his contribution!


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## Quant (Jul 15, 2013)

MissScarlett said:


> Notable that all the male responses seem to direct blame at the OP for this issue.
> 
> A strange double standard I have noticed here. If a man is getting no sex something is wrong with his wife. If the wife is getting no sex something is still wrong with the wife.


If a man is not getting sex from his wife its his fault too, it means he can't turn her on.


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## Quant (Jul 15, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> I was gonna say only a few, but a second look... Nope only I Notice The Details gets the award for not going straight to something she's done to cause him to turn away from her.
> INTD rocks!
> 
> Ah MissScarlett, you have a way of saying the exact same thing I want to say, only soooo much nicer!
> ...


Reality is a cruel thing.


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## kittiebee (Jan 11, 2014)

Lovely lady CurlyFry,

well isn't this man a lucky fella, and missing out on something great!

this is how you need to think, because you sound wonderful to be honest, you come across as very clear and concise person in your post not to mention intelligent and funny! 

you don't mention how many times a week your having sex, are you happy to share that? because maybe he just generally has a lower sex drive than you? or are you actually concerned he is having an affair?

As a woman i have a very high sex drive, i am very lucky my fella has the same,

i hope you are ok

Kittie

PS - ignore the idiot about the weight thing... Quant I think his name was... he is destined for superficial girls who eat dust for breakfast lol


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## kittiebee (Jan 11, 2014)

ok Quant wrote another post whilst I was writing my response

I think Men have a responsibility in marriage or any relationship, if they want a loving wife, they need to not just turn her on... they need to make her feel special and wonderful


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Quant said:


> If a man is not getting sex from his wife its his fault too, it means he can't turn her on.


Not usually. If he's not getting sex from his wife he needs to do a 7 point check on the relationship.
1. Time together
2. Date nights.
3. Help in the home
4. Money troubles
5 HER body image
6 gifts
7. Compliments

Once he's done that, then he needs to check his sexual skills. But almost always, it's the relationship!



Quant said:


> Reality is a cruel thing.



A woman wants sex and her husband doesn't, what makes you think it is her weight that is the problem? Understanding that ...

1. Women tend to be very sensitive about their weight so your question was rather hurtful.
2. Most men don't even notice when their wives put on a few pounds and even after she's gained 20-30 pounds most men report they still find their wive's very attractive. Considering this, and the fact that OP has only been married 2 1/2 years, she would have had to gain a significant amount of weight in a relatively short period of time for her husband to be actively turned off by her, don't you think she might be able to figure that one out on her own? 

"I have gained 75 pounds but I can't understand why he doesn't want to have sex with me?" You think she would need to have that pointed out to her?

The reality here is that your lack of sensitivity is going to piss off any woman you have a relationship with and it won't end well for you.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

curlyfry said:


> I asked him to go to the doctor and get his testosterone checked (he did so without complaint) and it came back fine, so I can't even attribute this to health.


It could be 100 and the doctor would say it's fine. What was the number?


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

AP,
Generally I find your posts helpful and your tone balanced. The list below is quite puzzling to me because most of the men posting on here have worked hard on 1-3. 

As for (4) - well the brutal reality is that half of all men are below average earners. And in most of the world, being a below average provider is a sexual inhibitor. And ummm sure - they can always work more hours at the expense of 1,2 and 3. 

Since (4) is the leading cause of D in the US I might have put it first. In addition to 1,2 and 3, item 6 also ties back to item (4). 

As for 5 - well given that I agree with you about how sensitive women are about their weight, this is typically only solvable by the wife. But it rarely is solved - in the US overall we are heavy and getting heavier. 

As for 7 - sure compliments are good - they don't fix a lack of desire. 

1. Time together
2. Date nights.
3. Help in the home
4. Money troubles
5 HER body image
6 gifts
7. Compliments

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My question for the OP would be this:
0. How often did you toe have sex during your peak time together?
1. When did you notice a sharp drop in his desire?
2. Was anything major changing right around that time?
- You went back to school and quit your job
- You two moved in together 
3. Do you know what HE likes in bed? Do you like/do what he likes in bed? 
4. Is it possible that he is using porn instead of having sex with you? 

Something is VERY off when a 28 year old man almost never wants to have sex with his wife. 




Anon Pink said:


> Not usually. If he's not getting sex from his wife he needs to do a 7 point check on the relationship.
> 1. Time together
> 2. Date nights.
> 3. Help in the home
> ...


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Not to be too contrary but in men's sexless threads one of the usual first questions is whether he's gained weight. One one of the first pieces of advice is to start working out. Maybe women are just more sensitive to the suggestion.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

I feel for you OP, being a woman in this situation is difficult. A lot of it is because of the idea out there that men should always want more sex than women, it's hurtful. I am HD, I want to have sex pretty much all the time, no candles or flowers or emotional needs required. 

Almost everywhere you see men wanting more sex than women, girl friends talk to you about how they wish they could just get their man off them for a while. I always see this stupid picture on my FB about the million things you have to do to make a woman want sex then on the man's side it's just "show up naked". Even TV shows often show the man practically begging for sex and the woman giving in like it's some kind of gift to him. If a man doesn't want sex he must be cheating or gay, if a woman doesn't want sex it's more "normal" 

IMO if a woman can just simply be HD or LD then a man can too. Maybe the reason why some women are LD is because they feel they are supposed to be and they are worried about how they will be perceived if they told people they were just as HD and wanting sex the same as a stereotypical male. I know I often am, like it would make me a slvt. 

Rant over  But I would have a hard time pulling back because it would cause resentment and impatience for me. Then you get into the habit of just taking care of yourself and that can be hard to break. That's where I am now. I felt him not coming to me after I shut down was the same as rejection, now I have a choice of either trying and risking hurt feelings OR popping on some internet porn and getting it done in a couple minutes. (I think if I was a man I would have my wife on here complaining that I just wanted to JO to porn instead of having sex  ) 
So my advice to the OP would be to not give up, If I could go back I wouldn't have. Can you send him texts during the day and tell him about what you want when he gets home so he knows it's sex time without you have to get to the pants of phase? Can you tell him something like "I want to you come into the shower with me tomorrow" and he'll do it? It might make it feel more like he was meeting you half way. I think it's harder to get back into sex when you've gone without for a while so, for me, I would keep the sex up while I tried to fix the issue instead of pulling back sex to try to fix it.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

"The problem is that we hardly ever have sex anymore and if we do, I'm almost always the one to initiate it. In his defense, he's never actually rejected me. But there are plenty of times that I make it very apparent by flirting, kissing, rubbing, etc. that I am in the mood, and he usually doesn't meet me half way. I have to practically take his pants off to get anywhere."

The thread has gotten way off track in my opinion. 

This guy is LD. He said "Maybe I have a lower drive than you" You should believe that. He has a lower drive than you. 

Does not matter what is average. Some guys and some women have very low need for sex and do not think about it much and do not really relate to people who are high drive or understand their needs. 

Communication between you seems to be pretty good. 

Sorry but most likely all you will be able to do is try to find some middle ground but it will most likely be slanted way towards his side.

At least that is how I had to deal with my wife who is also LD.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

MEM11363 said:


> AP,
> Generally I find your posts helpful and your tone balanced. The list below is quite puzzling to me because most of the men posting on here have worked hard on 1-3.
> 
> As for (4) - well the brutal reality is that half of all men are below average earners. And in most of the world, being a below average provider is a sexual inhibitor. And ummm sure - they can always work more hours at the expense of 1,2 and 3.
> ...


Not any one of those things will fix a lack of desire.
Gifts don't have to be expensive, or even purchased, they just show a tangible symbol he was thinking about you. Money troubles are not limited to income. Money management conflicts leaving one feeling minimized or marginalized. Her body image won't fix her lack of desire, but understanding her body image, and taking steps to reassure her in meaningful ways will help her make progress.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Not to be too contrary but in men's sexless threads one of the usual first questions is whether he's gained weight. One one of the first pieces of advice is to start working out. Maybe women are just more sensitive to the suggestion.


Usually asked by men. 

And yes, women are hugely more sensitive about weight. My weight can fluctuate by as much as 4 pounds in any given week due to hormones, water retention, premenstrual bloating. We NOTICE these things at the speed of light compared to how most men notice their weight gain...or so it seems from where I sit.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Not to be too contrary but in men's sexless threads one of the usual first questions is whether he's gained weight. One one of the first pieces of advice is to start working out. Maybe women are just more sensitive to the suggestion.


And to further the contraryness and brutal honesty, men have been trained to say that things like weight and looks don't matter because to do so, the guy is a shallow jerk. It's what's on the inside that matters right?

To be totally shallow, but totally honest, if my STBW gained 20 lbs, depending on where she gained it, I likely would not find her as physically attractive. Do not confuse that with me saying I would not find her attractive, or my desire for her would go down, or I would love her any less.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

samyeagar said:


> And to further the contraryness and brutal honesty, men have been trained to say that things like weight and looks don't matter because to do so, the guy is a shallow jerk. It's what's on the inside that matters right?
> 
> To be totally shallow, but totally honest, if my STBW gained 20 lbs, depending on where she gained it, I likely would not find her as physically attractive. Do not confuse that with me saying I would not find her attractive, or my desire for her would go down, or I would love her any less.


But would those 20 pounds cause you to pull away from her? Would they cause you to not want sex with her?


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> But would those 20 pounds cause you to pull away from her? Would they cause you to not want sex with her?


Good point. No they wouldn't, however if other things, non physical things in the relationship started going south, that would certainly add to it. The physical and emotional are often pretty closely tied.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

I blame the dude here. While it's true that I used to be highly selective and I did turn down sex with a lot of women, we're talking about a married couple where the guy is *28 years old.* Something is messed up on his part when a girl wants to watch porn with him and he doesn't. 

Remember, most men are attracted to most women. That leaves a lot of leeway for male sex drive.

What was that T number again?


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

curlyfry said:


> Please help. My husband and I have been married for 2 1/2 years. We're both 28 and get along pretty well most of the time. I would describe him as an affectionate person. He gives me plenty of kisses and hugs and he doesn't complain when I want to cuddle on the couch. The problem is that we hardly ever have sex anymore and if we do, I'm almost always the one to initiate it. In his defense, he's never actually rejected me. But there are plenty of times that I make it very apparent by flirting, kissing, rubbing, etc. that I am in the mood, and he usually doesn't meet me half way. I have to practically take his pants off to get anywhere.
> 
> I know my husband had his fair share of "hook ups" before we started dating, so clearly he liked sex once upon a time. When we did start dating, we had sex frequently and in different positions and places. I know that it's normal for things to mellow out a little after marriage, but now it's very "vanilla" and almost utilitarian. There's no foreplay, making out, not even a lot of kissing. His tools seem to function just fine and he has no trouble at all finishing the deed. I asked him to go to the doctor and get his testosterone checked (he did so without complaint) and it came back fine, so I can't even attribute this to health.
> 
> ...



- Both 28 years old, in your primes.

- married for 2.5 years.

- hubby is affectionate, hugs, kisses and cuddles

- don't have sex anymore, close to nothing

- hubby never initiates, or even meet you half way

- hubby had many gf's and sex before he met you and got married

- hubby's test levels checked out fine

- hubby makes excuses and blames you for a high sex drive


Something is clearly wrong here. I am seeing red flags.



Most guys have high sex drives and will never turn down sex with their gf's or wives.


I would say:

- either he is secretly addicted to porn

- seeing someone at work, an affair

- perhaps he doesn't find you as attractive due to weight gain? I have to hit this from all angles, so don't get upset.

- It could be simple, you have a naturally high sex drive HD and he has a low sex drive LD and that's all it is.


Take the 5 love languages quiz, separately, honestly, and then compare the results to each other. Your main love language might be radically different from his and same with your secondary love languages.

Home | The 5 Love Languages®


In my situation, I am HD and my wife is LD, due to her size, which makes her very insecure. Since we took the 5 love languages quiz and she's counting her caloric daily intake, she's lost 22 lbs in roughly 9 weeks now. Her sex drive has gone up a lot, and she is for the first time wearing sex panties and starting to initiate sex, like when I was asleep, this morning. So weight does play a huge role. 

Could he have gained weight and feels insecure?

If he's in great shape, then I suspect an affair, EA or PA, sexting, porn, something is not right here.....I don't turn down my wifee for sex and even when I'm asleep too.


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## Quant (Jul 15, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> Not usually. If he's not getting sex from his wife he needs to do a 7 point check on the relationship.
> 1. Time together
> 2. Date nights.
> 3. Help in the home
> ...


None of those things on your list get you laid with a woman besides time together. Men most certainly notice a woman's weight gain,there's a reason Viagra sells like hotcakes. My wife is turned on by my lack of sensitivity,so why change my ways?

As a man to get a woman turned on, you should act with a certain swagger and always sexualize her at any given opportunity. Grab her butt while she's cooking and sext her while at work. Just be playful and fun while making her know you see her as a sexual being. Women are responsive to sexualization, not flowers and a movie.

Make sure you have a career and things going for yourself outside of the relationship and she will see you have value separate from her. Basically be a guy other women besides your wife would want to be with.

Both men and women really let themselves go once married making themselves unattractive to one another.Men should keep the same mentality they had when single because that's what got your wife all hot and bothered for you in the first place.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Quant said:


> None of those things on your list get you laid with a woman besides time together. Men most certainly notice a woman's weight gain,there's a reason Viagra sells like hotcakes. My wife is turned on by my lack of sensitivity,so why change my ways?
> 
> As a man to get a woman turned on, you should act with a certain swagger and always sexualize her at any given opportunity. Grab her butt while she's cooking and sext her while at work. Just be playful and fun while making her know you see her as a sexual being. Women are responsive to sexualization, not flowers and a movie.
> 
> ...


With the exception of linking Viagra to a wife's weight gain, I agree with everything you wrote! Particularly what is written in bold!

I'll never forget one of the first conversations, actual conversations, my H and I had regarding our marriage and sex life. I told him he doesn't even try to be attractive, doesn't even try to seduce me. He looked at me with utter astonishment and said, "but I married you, I don't have to seduce you anymore!"


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## Quant (Jul 15, 2013)

Machiavelli said:


> I blame the dude here. While it's true that I used to be highly selective and I did turn down sex with a lot of women, we're talking about a married couple where the guy is *28 years old.* Something is messed up on his part when a girl wants to watch porn with him and he doesn't.
> 
> Remember, most men are attracted to most women. That leaves a lot of leeway for male sex drive.
> 
> What was that T number again?


I actually agree its the man's job to keep the sex life alive in most instances,but all plausible questions must be asked.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

Personally do not agree with much of anything Quant writes. 
Seems to indicate a complete lack of understanding LD women and a particularly superficial and shallow attitude.

"Men most certainly notice a woman's weight gain, there's a reason Viagra sells like hotcakes"

That is just down right offensive. Grow up dude. 

I do agree the one decent thing he wrote is try to be the best person you can be


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## Quant (Jul 15, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> With the exception of linking Viagra to a wife's weight gain, I agree with everything you wrote! Particularly what is written in bold!
> 
> I'll never forget one of the first conversations, actual conversations, my H and I had regarding our marriage and sex life. I told him he doesn't even try to be attractive, doesn't even try to seduce me. He looked at me with utter astonishment and said, "but I married you, I don't have to seduce you anymore!"


Seducing is fun.

Why would a guy not want to sexually harass his own wife.


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## Quant (Jul 15, 2013)

usmarriedguy said:


> Personally do not agree with much of anything Quant writes.
> Seems to indicate a complete lack of understanding LD women and a particularly superficial and shallow attitude.
> 
> "Men most certainly notice a woman's weight gain, there's a reason Viagra sells like hotcakes"
> ...


Maybe its just a cultural difference,even though I'm American I was born in Russia and moved to America at 6 months. So I grew up around Russians and we view things differently then most Americans.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Quant said:


> I actually agree its the man's job to keep the sex life alive in most instances,but all plausible questions must be asked.


Agreed.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Many men and women let themselves go after getting married because they get comfy and the chase is over.

Many men and women might have good sex while dating and initially after getting married, but then soon afterwards, their true sex drive comes out, being low sex drive LD and the higher drived spouse wonders what they are doing wrong? They are doing nothing wrong because they were deceived by a LD spouse in hiding.

I think men and women are both equally responsible to keep the sex life going, taking the initiative, trying new fun things and keeping themselves fit like when they were just married.

I do agree that most men do notice a woman's weight gain. Some say it and most do not, but we do notice it. I'm sure the same goes for a guy getting fat while his fit HD wife is getting frustrated.

If a hubby doesn't flirt and seduce his wifee, there is something wrong. An affair, EA, PA, sexting, porn, something is not right. You don't stop flirting, grabbing her bum and seducing your wife ever and its nice when the ladies do this for us too. I know I love it.

In the end, after getting married, nothing should go downhill, in fact, the fun sex should increase, new positions you might never due "risky", toys, oils, you name but you can do because you are married and in it together.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

While I agree that most men would find ideal weight to be more attractive than over weight. If they are letting that prevent them from wanting sex than they have some other problem like low desire or porn addiction or they are talking about initial attraction instead of attraction to a SO.

If a wife is gaining weight and her husband does not see it is a desirable condition than he is likely to suggest that they eat a better diet and get some exercise way before it would get to the point of impacting their sex life.

If he has already turned off because she did and she gains weight and several years later decides she wants to rekindle the sex then her losing weight would surely help. 

That is not the case here:
"but given our young age and good health, I just don't find this normal. I consider myself a fairly attractive girl with a decent figure."

He said: "Maybe you just have a bigger sex drive than me"

and not: "I would like sex more often and would like to find more ways to enhance our sex life"

Which would be the response from any male who had a high drive.


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## WayUpNorth (Dec 14, 2013)

Does he smoke a lot of weed?


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