# Continues to amaze me...



## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

...how many people on here have been married for 15+ or 20+ years before these problems start.

We just had our 15 year anniversary - and are hanging on by a thread, but still hanging on.

Just so hard to believe that people put that much time into a relationship and are then willing to throw it all away for a "crush."


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## melancholyman (Jun 1, 2009)

15 years here..., technically 5 years dated, 9 years 11 months married. We separated about 2 weeks before our 10th anniversary.

Same situation as squirsh... wife was having an EA (and though she'll never admit, it very likely escalated to a PA in no time at all). The marriage had some rocky years toward the end, but I had no idea it would actually end. 

And when the crap hit the fan, the end came quickly. She's still seeing her other men, 16 months after our separation. She said I'm not the man for her and that she settled when we got together. I guess the grass was greener, after all. 15 years thrown away... :scratchhead:


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

The "its been bad for years" line - I wonder how often that is true compared to how often it's just BS to justify their recent change in behavior.


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## ka5367 (Nov 9, 2009)

My wife tells the counselor its been bad since the beginning - but I have cards shes given me that say otherwise... A five year Anniversary card she hand wrote on it "we've made it this far, we must be doing something right." Another card with hearts and thanks on it she wrote "You always give me something to look forward to - even on bad days." 

Now how can this same person tell me that they dont love me and that our marriage has been in trouble since the beginning.

I cant explain it - but it seems to be a theme with women these days. Good luck to everyone experienceing this sort of crap. I know how much it hurts.


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## orangekitty (Dec 15, 2009)

I've been married for 14 years. 7 years ago he started having affairs. Its been that way every since he has an affair gets caught we fight make up and a year later he does it again. He says he thinks of me as a sister because we have been together for so long 20 years together 14 married.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

I'm 22 years into it, rocky the last couple but I never thought it would end and for sure not with an affair on his part. I honestly didn't think he had that in him, good catholic boy, pillar of the community, seems unbelievable to me still...I guess we really don't know our partners. We have had a great family life doing lots of activities with our children over the years, we are a family of golfers spending all our time together. He was busy with work. I guess I didn't pay enough attention to him and he had to find someone young thing at the office that would.....he blames me for that as well.....in fairness there were problems but he never attempted to fix things with me and I guess I just let it be the way it was, but it does seem like a lot of years have gone and for what an affair that lasted 3 months, it seems so stupid that a life and family ends in such a painful way. He seems to think that the grass is greener on the other side......It is tough to think about starting over, but I'm an optimist and I guess we have to look at it like it's a new opportunity and who knows maybe we will meet the right one in the future, we can always hope.......


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## artieb (Nov 11, 2009)

Every marriage has its problems. Rarely does anyone give up immediately. Sometimes the problems get solved, and sometimes the problems don't get solved. If a problem goes on long enough without getting solved, and the people give up hope that it will get better, then they split up.

When that happens, it is correct to say that things have been bad for a long time: the problem is enough to end the marriage, so it was bad, and it's been going on for a while. It is also correct to say that the marriage was mostly happy for most of that time, because if you love someone, and you have hope, you can be happy through almost any temporary difficulty. It's when you see the difficulty as permanent, not temporary, that things end.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

I think most shorter marriages that fail have less consequences for failure and just shatter. After 15+ years you have so much more to lose, that people take a little longer to pull the divorce trigger.

I mean if I had quit at year 1, it's not overly different than breaking up with a girlfriend. Year 15... house, kids, careers, history together... so much more at stake.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Atholk said:


> I think most shorter marriages that fail have less consequences for failure and just shatter. After 15+ years you have so much more to lose, that people take a little longer to pull the divorce trigger.
> 
> I mean if I had quit at year 1, it's not overly different than breaking up with a girlfriend. Year 15... house, kids, careers, history together... so much more at stake.


And of course its these people who come to places like this looking for help...not necessarily the "one and done's".

Artie - in your example, doesn't the spouse who is unhappy have an obligation to let the spouse know about the problems? Not just wait and hope the other spouse senses your unhappiness and wakes up and does something about it? Isn't that kind of communication important to keeping things together?


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## magmag (Dec 2, 2009)

squirsh2000 said:


> I get the same thing from my STBXW. She claims she was pressured into getting married, wanted out many times over the years, etc. She said recently it was a relief to finally say it out loud. However, I can recall even up to my discovering of the EA, she would tell me she loved me, we would have intercourse often, we were planning for the future, (college, addition to the house, etc.) All of a sudden she dosent love me anymore, or never did to begin with? I dont believe it. I agree with a previous poster, its to deflect and justify her recent change of behavior. I was just so surprised she took it as far as she did. Thats what is confusing to me. Either she really wants out, and thats why she is walking away from everything, or deep doen when the time is right she is going to try and come back. See, in my warped way of thinking, I think it is too soon in her eyes to try and come back, because if she did, the EA/PA is still so fresh, and she would have to deal with it, which I'm sure she dosent want to do. The longer this drags on, even after the divorce, the more the focus on the affair will fade, and the more comfortable she will be in coming home. Im sure that after a while, she will think that I am so happy that she wants to try and work on things, that I will let go of the affair and not even address it. I know her, and she does operate this way. When we were finalizing the divorce, in a moment where her guard was down, she said to me, "If things work out between us, we can just get remarried." She has retracted the statement, but I cant forget it. However, I NEVER bring that up. This my friends, is how my mind operates. I wish my mind would just SHUT UP!!!!!




OMG I could have written the first part of your post. My H had an emotion affair as well and as soon as he did is when things started to "really" change. They weren't great before that but he was always telling me he loved me, etc. Now all of a sudden he never loved me "like that", something's always been missing, i forced him in all stages of the beginning of the relationship etc. Not that I can bring this up though cause anytime I say something it's me reading on the internet too much into things.


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## alone in love (Nov 10, 2009)

My husband and I have 15 years together - 9 married. I found out a year ago that he was unhappy for 2 years before that. I remember him mentioning something 2 times in 2 years and that was it. I didn't take it too seriously because it never went any further. We've been fighting now for 16 months, because I've refused to give up. It took both of us to make children, and our children deserve both of us taking care of them. I don't understand how he can give up the 12 good years because of three bad years - sickness and health, good times and bad - remember that? I am at the end of the rope though. How many times can I listen to him tell me how horrible I've been for the last 3 years? If I had known I was making him so unhappy, I would have tried anything possible to make it better. But I didn't know, and once he told me, I think in his mind it was too late.


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## artieb (Nov 11, 2009)

nice777guy said:


> [D]oesn't the spouse who is unhappy have an obligation to let the spouse know about the problems? Not just wait and hope the other spouse senses your unhappiness and wakes up and does something about it? Isn't that kind of communication important to keeping things together?


Sometimes they do try to work it out, and it doesn't seem to be going anywhere. Or they stop trying to change the partner and work on changing themselves, and fail.

In several of the divorces I know much about, neither person was really at fault for anything more than choosing the wrong partner. Most of those were people who got married too quickly; if they'd dated another year, they'd have broken up.

My first marriage went down in flames for a lot of reasons, and it wasn't all her fault. Our problems were long standing ones, that we talked about many times, but they never got better. When I realized that nothing ever got better, and those discussions always went the same way: she would apologize, and cry, and talk about how worthless she was, and I would feel horrible for having an opinion at all. I just got so sick of making her cry, and bashing my head against the same wall every time, that I stopped talking about anything wrong.

We were a bad match; we should never have gotten married in the first place. She'd married the idealized me that she hoped she could turn me into, and I'd married the fun-loving her that she abandoned when it was time to "settle down". The only way for me to satisfy her would be to spend the rest of my life playing a part; the only way for her to satisfy me would have been to abandon her ideas of what marriage was supposed to be like.

Water wears a hole in the stone not by strength or size, but by repetition. So with troubles that cannot be resolved because they're about who people really are.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

In my case, my wife underwent significant health issues. I still think that I've been there for her, but she claims I haven't been there "emotionally." I think thats a copout on her part.

But she never expressed how unhappy she was with me. She sees her friendship as a way to cope with her unhappiness and depression. Meanwhile, I'm busy raising our two kids and taking care of the house.

Maybe I'm making excuses and should have seen the signs, but I really felt blindsided and continue to be baffled by her EA.


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## helpmeunderstand (Dec 22, 2009)

We have been married 14 years, together 15. Presently we are going through a very difficult patch and I have finally convinced my wife we need counseling. I noticed problems about 1 year ago but she told be they were due to work issues. Later I found out that was not the case. Now she says she knew there were issues 2 years ago but she never said anything to me.


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## AlexNY (Dec 10, 2009)

nice777guy said:


> ... Meanwhile, I'm busy raising our two kids and taking care of the house ...


If she got tired of her life (not just you), you may be holding a much stronger hand than you think.

A strong hand to get her back ... and a strong hand for yourself if she never comes back.

Good luck.


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

Rarely do the problems JUST start. Usually they have been growing for years. Most do not want to throw away that much time but feel they have to because they don't see any hope of it getting better. Somebody has to change. I read a book called "It only takes one to get the ball rolling" I know the walk away spouse says its to late. I don't have it in me to try any more. That is total BS. I have heard that a few times from my wife. Both times we worked it out.. Keep the faith and work hard to improve. Get back to courting..


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

nice777guy said:


> The "its been bad for years" line - I wonder how often that is true compared to how often it's just BS to justify their recent change in behavior.


They rewrite the history of the relationship as they leave. I.e. at Year 14 they say, "it's always been so good between us, I love you". At Year 15 as they leave they say,"it's always felt like I was pretending, I love you, but I've never really been in love with you".


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Once you have kids, you try to make it work. Then you give up and stay together as long as you can for the kids in a shell of a marriage. Something or someone rocks the boat, and the shell cracks, the marriage pours out. It's been over and done (the emotional stuff) for a LONG time, so shuffling some papers doesn't seem like that big a deal.


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