# Asking women with no desire - Question?



## synonimous_anonymous (May 31, 2010)

I'm sure there are women on this board who have gone through or are still going through periods where there seems to be no sexual desire. My question is, do you ever feel like have sex but just not with your spouse. You just want to achieve an O and go to bed?

I've never caught my wife pleasuring herself and wonder if she does at all. I wonder if her lack of libido is because there is a lack of interest in her spouse, physically and emotionally, or if it is something else that will perhaps pass? When we do have sex she does feel good. Why is it that you wouldn't want to recreate that feeling again and again, not necessarily on a daily basis but at least a weekly basis. On mornings where you have the day off or week nights when you know you can sleep a little later than usual and sleep in the next day, so have a little fun at night.

Our libido's don't match right now. There's a 9 year age gap, her being almost 41 and me being 32. I don't know if that would make a difference or not.


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## lbell629 (May 10, 2010)

Age/hormones could be an issue here. Is she willing to discuss this with your or at least with a doctor? Have you tried being affectionate and loving prior to wanting having sex? Have you told her how you feel about all of this?


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## synonimous_anonymous (May 31, 2010)

We're having some marital issues.

Prior to this and after she has said that she thinks that it's all in her head and that past relationships (Mostly abusive) are some of the reasons. She believes a doctor can help. She insists it's not me, but after some more talking there were definitely parts of me and my lifestyle that weren't turning her on. However this issue goes back before we had martial issues.

While she says she thinks a doctor visit is needed, she hasn't actually gone ahead to see one. I did some calling around and got some information on a good place to go, either alone or as a couple, but she's not interested.

It's not just sex though, it's intimacy altogether. Holding hands, hugging, a kiss here and there. Those intimate things are all gone....for now only I hope. Every once in a while she will through in a little intimacy but it feels almost 'forced'.

She's said that she feels depressed during PMS for the last year instead of feeling irritated. She says that she ends up thinking about her life, what she has and what she doesn't. I don't know if this would be something similar to a mid-life crisis. She definitely has some serious stuff (Good stuff) to look forward to if she focuses on that, but she said herself that she can't focus on the good things, her mind goes to the bad during that time of the month.


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## 76Trombones (Jun 2, 2010)

Ohh! Finally a post that I am qualified to answer 

The answer, though, depends on a lot of things. Did she ever have much of a libido? Or has she always been the same during your marriage? Do not count the honeymoon period though.. even people with no sexual desire sort of have one during the honeymoon period.. it's a weird thing, lol. Outside of that period, how was her sex drive?

Also, are you having a lot of problems in your marriage aside from sex? Arguments or big disagreements or something like that? A lot of people regardless of desire level shut down sexually to some degree because of these things. 

If not, and if she has always been like this, then she is probably like me - purely no sexual desire. In this situation, the hard thing to digest and comprehend is that it has NOTHING to do with you whatsoever! It's the ACT of sex that she isn't really into, because she doesn't get those "magical" feelings from sex that you do. It doesn't mean she has any problem with you whatsoever. You could be Brad Pitt with the best personality on earth and she still would have no sexual desire. She's probably finds you extremely attractive, and loves everything about you physically, spiritually, emotionally, the works. But she just isn't into sex (because no desire means no "magical" feelings and, depending on the person, no nice physical sensations).

Regarding your actual question though - if she has no physical desire then she probably doesn't really want an orgasm at all. Or maybe she does every now and again, but there is a long period of time in between orgasms(for me it is about 3 months). When you have no desire, orgasms are pretty dismal and boring, so I wouldn't blame her lol. That, and you just don't really think about it, sex or orgasms never really comes into your head of it's own volition. I get a need to "scratch that itch" once every 3 months and it takes all of 5 minutes with the vibrator, and then I'm good to go for another 3 months. But if I don't actually follow through and do it, then the feeling fades away and I don't think about it for 3 months until the itch comes back again. 

Your wife thinks a doctor could help - that would be a wise thing to look into first. Rule out physical stuff and emotional stuff first before deciding if she is in the same category as me. I bet a lot of people who have HAD a nice, good sex drive at one stage of their lives would really wish they could have it back. So search out all those avenues first! If she is of the appropriate age, yeah it could be menopause or perimenopause starting so a trip to the doctor could be wise for that too.


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## synonimous_anonymous (May 31, 2010)

I'm not sure when the honeymoon phase stopped really. For about 1 and half years we were pretty much daily or at least several times a week. The only time we took a break was when one of us was hurting (Physically) or when it was her time of the month, although even then I would please her and that would be it.

Once her mother moved in with us, the sex started to drop off quite a bit. Having a mother in the next room was distracting. However, we now have 3 rooms and the 3rd room is not attached to her mother's room. Her mother is now not able to walk on her own so there's no worries of her walking in on us.

Yes, we now have some serious issues. There were issues before with her that I did not recognize which led her to seek out attention elsewhere. I caught her, it was the first time, we're trying to work past it. Reexamining the last 3 or 4 years of our marriage I see that our sex lives and intimacy have dropped. I always thought it was just stress and that once she quit her job (Which was the plan) and she could stay home and do what she wanted (Studying was one of the big things on her list) that her stress levels would go down and the intimacy would come back. This would also be the time we'd be trying to have kids. Something I THOUGHT we both wanted.

Now, it seems that she has been disappointed in many areas of our lives and is only now coming clean about them. I wished I had paid more attention to some of the signs or that she had been more direct with me...the damage is done. I'm working on the parts I can fix on my own but this is one area I can't fix on my own. My wife has issues from her past that I think she hasn't fully dealt with and really needs a way to let those feelings out. I don't think she wants to hurt me anymore than she has and so I'm not the best person for her to talk to, at least in her mind. Friends tend to side with friends and so she hasn't opened up about this to anyone in detail.


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## 76Trombones (Jun 2, 2010)

Yea there sounds a lot more to it than what I wrote in my reply. Probably the best thing is to go the counselling route... that is if she wants to do it. Counselling doesn't work much unless you really want to change yourself. Maybe encourage her to get into counselling... because it will probably make life a lot better to get that personal stuff sorted out. I used to be sceptical about counselling until I actually went and did it myself, and I was very glad to be proven wrong in that instance. It really helps! Give it a try anyway. Because it will help her in her whole life, not just the sex bit. But the sex bit is a bonus  You really don't know all the shenannegans that go on in your subconscious until it sort of comes out in therapy. And you really do feel a lot better when things are a bit more sorted out.


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