# How much of a role does guilt play when considering R?



## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

This is something I've been thinking about recently, and I'm curious to see what everyone thinks. We've seen a number of threads about R or when a BS/WS is talking about R in his/her thread while going through the aftermath of a D-Day. I can understand why a WS may be motivated by guilt. I think it's a natural reaction from a WS because he/she wants to "correct a wrong". But is a BS ever motivated by guilt to pursue an R? I can think of two examples as to how they may be: 1) don't want to see the kids raised in a broken home and 2) feel partly responsible for the the state of the marriage where cheating was seen as a viable option by a WS.

From what I can see in the various threads, it seems like guilt is a motivator for some cases. However, should guilt ever be a motivator for deciding to R in the first place? To me it seems like guilt should never be a factor when deciding on whether to R or not. IMHO, motivation thru guilt can lead to resentment down the road. This also makes me wonder if all the advice for widespread exposure to everyone about the affair more like a 2 edged sword. I understand that exposure is meant to shame the WS into acting morally plus to remove the "addiction" so that he/she can think more clearly. But if this action is also meant to develop those feelings of guilt, then it becomes a motivator when considering to R. I don't think guilt should be a factor when deciding to R, and that the decision to R SHOULD be based upon more tangible feelings like love and respect. 

Anyways, just some thoughts I'm hoping some of you will chime in on with your views.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Exposure is a way to end the A IMO. In my case exposure toe the XOM's pastor, employer, wife, etc, did end it. It took it underground when I did it in 2011, but early this year it killed it.

I do believe guilt is a great motivator. If a person does wrong, feels guilty about it and then makes amends then guilt served it's purpose. 

If a BS contributed to a poor state of the M then I would say they are guilty of a poor M and if they want to R and guilt is part of that motivation then so be it. 

I don't see guilt as bad. False guilt yes. If a typhoon hits the Phillipines and I feel guilty about it, it is false guilt. 

But guilt is just one of many emotions that may or may not play into making a decision to R.

Staying for the kids may not be motivated by guilt but may be motivated by any number or reasons, financial, schools, child care, etc.


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

not to long ago somebody posted about redemption being a motivation for R.

i can see where a guilty spouse would be eager to R, for the sake of redemption. if they can fool themselves into believing they have "righted their wrong" than maybe they have an easier time looking in the mirror every morning.

so would guilt be a factor? sure, but ultimately i think its self-serving, just like the affair.


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> However, should guilt ever be a motivator for deciding to R in the first place? To me it seems like guilt should never be a factor when deciding on whether to R or not.
> 
> IMHO, motivation thru guilt can lead to resentment down the road.


While what I've highlighted in red is possible, if the guilty party feels resentment (for feeling guilty), I would say that the guilty party doesn't feel guilty...enough. 

Feelings of guilt usually tell us that something's amiss. We can feel too much guilt (for example: Feeling guilty for WEEKS or MONTHS about not sending a distant relative a birthday card) or not enough guilt (for example: Feeling 'guilty' about cheating, but not guilty enough to immediately stop)

I think that guilt SHOULD be a motivator to set the wheels of change in motion. Too often pop-psychology tells us that we "shouldn't feel 'bad' about ourselves". This is HOGWASH, in my opinion. Of COURSE we should feel 'bad' about ourselves if we are doing something hurtful to someone else! But like I wrote above, how guilty we feel should depends on the depth of the 'wrongdoing'. 



> I don't think guilt should be a factor when deciding to R, and that the decision to R SHOULD be based upon more tangible feelings like love and respect.


Not too sure what you mean by "tangible feelings", but a cheater can definitely use guilt as a motivator to seek out WHY they weren't being "loving" and "respectful" toward their life-partner. 

As for the BS's 'guilt', I think it's quite common that a BS automatically accepts responsibility for the atmosphere that led the WS to cheat...and to feel guilty for their own 'contribution', much to the satisfaction of the WS. Many WS's want to avoid accepting 100% (or ANY) responsibility for their decision to cheat, and would jump for joy if their BS said, "It's not YOU...it's ME. *I* pushed you into it..."


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## DoveEnigma13 (Oct 31, 2013)

x598 is right in my case. My stbxw wanted to reconcile, but it appeared to me it was so she didn't feel guilty, and she was very concerned what her family and friends would think of her.

She was right to some extent. Her family are upset with her, they didn't disown her like I think she was fearing, but they did side with me. They are always offering to help me, while telling her what she did was wrong.

There are many reasons to reconcile, but I think one based on guilt for either party would not work too well.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

My husbands motivation, I believe, was to spare embarrassment. He was always known as the mild mannered good-guy.

I had no motivation.


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## whataboutthis? (Apr 5, 2013)

I am a BS and my H often uses guilt to motivate R. He puts the kids welfare on my shoulders. He makes me feel like I'm taking everything from him. He pleads his innocence and makes me feel like I'm destroying everything. We are still separated and he recently passed a lie detector test. This increases my guilt. Granted he contacted others for sex but the test revealed he didn't cross the line. So now the weight of guilt is heavily upon me. And then I step back and wonder why I feel guilty when he has been immersed in sex sites, adult dating sites, and escort sites for the duration of our marriage. 

So to answer your question, guilt should never be a part of R. R should be based as you said, on love and respect. Guilt is an emotionally abusive tactic used to manipulate another person into a desired action.


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