# How do I know if my husband is cheating?



## dmac (Oct 25, 2011)

My husband and I have been together for 12 years, married for 11. We have 3 beautiful children. Ever since my youngest, now 3 was born, I have had little to no sexual drive. We also suffered financially by loosing some rental property to a fire, and also through the low in the economy, which has only added more stress. I wake up nearly everyday at 6:00 am, even on weekends, and sometimes I am literally falling into the bed at 10:00 pm. He constantly calls me granny, says its pretty frustrating to be sexual with someone who acts like a granny. He started a new hobby, recently, which was learning to play the guitar. This is so much better than other hobbies he has had so I try to support it all I can. Recently I arranged for the kids to stay with my parents for a few hours so we could have dinner and spend some time together. He arrived an hour late, took nearly another hour to get ready, so we had a brief dinner which he recieved and sent several texts to "someone" while we were there. When we got home, he left him in my lingerie to play his new guitar, and comes back later asking me why I had changed and gotten into bed. He refuses to accept me on facebook, hides all his passwords from me, does not like me to touch his phone, and it feels as if we are drifting apart and speaking less and less. I feel like a roommate more than anything. Am I overreacting?


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

One red flag is that he will not let you touch his phone. Has he always been so protective over his phone, or is it a new thing? Also, you do not have any of his passwords. I have all of my husbands pass words and he has all of mine.



Do you have access to his phone bill? If you do take a look at it.

Do not tip him off that you are suspicious of him having an affair, he will only denigh it.. It will only make things harder for you to find out. Gather proof before you confront him....

Here are a few things you can do. 

Get a voice activated recorder put in under his seat (where he won't find it)

Put a keylogger on his computer, they also have them for certain types for smart phones, but it may be a problem since you can't get a hold of his phone.

Is he distant towards you and your children?

Here is a link for some of the signs -
Is my husband cheating : Signs Of An Affair

There are alot of people on this board who can help you, so stick around.

Good luck


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Why do they always seem to think we won't notice them texting???

There are a few signs. Do as the above post says, keep your eyes and ears open and get advice here.

Good luck.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

My feeling is that something is up with him, so you should investigate and discover the truth.

That being said, it sounds like you've a serious problem in your lack of sex drive. So even if you catch him cheating and drag him back from her, a primary cause of the problem will still remain.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I'm sorry to say that you are not overreacting! You are likely on target.

I had an EA that sounds exactly like what your husband is doing with the technology. Do what is suggested above immediately. Never left my phone (except for the day I was caught), emails, phone calls, Facebook. 

I'm sorry that you are both going to be on an emotional roller coaster very soon. Keep the kids out of it if at all possible. 

Good luck


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Also, go to the Coping with Infidelity forum for the best advice on this matter.


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## tm84 (Jul 24, 2011)

ladybird said:


> One red flag is that he will not let you touch his phone. Has he always been so protective over his phone, or is it a new thing? Also, you do not have any of his passwords. I have all of my husbands pass words and he has all of mine.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

There are a lot of signs pointing towards something going on. I'd take the above advice and see what you can find out for sure.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

He won't add you to his facebook and you're his wife??? Red huge flag.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

little to no sex drive for 3 yrs!

have you even tried to get your grove back or is it taking an affair to get you to think about it.

after so long he thinks I"m tired of pitty sex. if you want to keep him(you might not after an affair weather it was physical or emotional)then you should put some effort into connecting with him sexually/emotionaly.

It amazes me when women neglect their husbands sexually and then are suprised or blindsided by this.

still poor behavior never the less.on his part. hell on both parts!


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

chillymorn said:


> little to no sex drive for 3 yrs!
> 
> have you even tried to get your grove back or is it taking an affair to get you to think about it.
> 
> ...


It also amazes me when a husband with 3 children has a wife who is literally so exhausted from doing all the work that she falls in to bed at 10:00pm and instead of him oh say, helping her out instead of taking up new hobbies he complains about his wife's sex drive. Food for thought.

OP, listen to what some of the others have said here. Red flags all over the place.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

OP, he is pretty bitter about the lack of sex for 3 years. He's almost certainly having some kind of affair and probably feels severely neglected.

Sounds like you recognize things now and want to make it work - the affair would need to be squashed and he'd have to believe you'd changed most likely to move forward. 

He'd probably be more likely to help with your needs as well, if his were being met.


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## dmac (Oct 25, 2011)

I realize that in some ways I have been neglecting him. If it wasn't breast feeding, it was therapy with a child with adhd, to another child with a broken leg, to stress from financial worries, to child sports, among cooking, cleaning, and laundry. He never wanted me to snoop through his phone, but he was never protective over it either. Does not even want me to bring it to him if it rings (I made the mistake of asking when his father was calling. Didn't snoop, it said the name in big bold letters.) The facebook is the thing that bother's me, as well as setting up a seperate email account that I didn't even know nor did I have the password to. This is besides the one he asked me to set up years ago, and I even was able to retrieve the password since he changed it and couldn't remember it. I don't have access to his phone bill. He switched both our phones to prepaid, then went to a different service a couple of monthes later without telling me. Also, I have even considered trying the swinger thing to see if that would help, and sorry but that is just not for me.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

dmac said:


> I realize that in some ways I have been neglecting him. If it wasn't breast feeding, it was therapy with a child with adhd, to another child with a broken leg, to stress from financial worries, to child sports, among cooking, cleaning, and laundry. He never wanted me to snoop through his phone, but he was never protective over it either. Does not even want me to bring it to him if it rings (I made the mistake of asking when his father was calling. Didn't snoop, it said the name in big bold letters.) The facebook is the thing that bother's me, as well as setting up a seperate email account that I didn't even know nor did I have the password to. This is besides the one he asked me to set up years ago, and I even was able to retrieve the password since he changed it and couldn't remember it. I don't have access to his phone bill. He switched both our phones to prepaid, then went to a different service a couple of monthes later without telling me. Also, I have even considered trying the swinger thing to see if that would help, and sorry but that is just not for me.


It sounds to me like he isn't acting like much of a husband and is blaming you by mocking you and acting out. 3 kids and you do all that while he takes up guitar and cannot provide financially? I have no idea why you are facing scrutiny here. A womans sex drive is directly connected to how she feels about her relationship. Given that you appear to be doing everything while he has plenty of leisure time, it isn't surprising that you would not want sex. Also, he is making financial changes without consulting you and hiding things/lying and being deceitful. Lack of trust in a man does not make a woman to want sex with him. 
There are some huge red flags here with his behavior and if you ask him, he will not fess up. Why would he want to rock the boat when he has it so damn good. A wife who does everything and that allows him to do whatever he wants, when he wants.
Get a VAR (voice activated recorder) and put it under the front seat of his car. You will be able to hear conversations that he has. Install a keylogger on his computer and that will allow you to see who he contacts. Lastly, you may (if you can afford it), hire a PI to follow him or even get a good friend to do it for you. A guy this selfish typically has a huge ego as well. Thinks he is smarter than the average bear and will be careless covering his tracks. Up until now, it's worked for him.
Put your detective hat on and get to work and I am so sorry you are going through this.


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

Yes, something is up. Him guarding his phone, not accepting your FB request, and not sharing any passwords are all red flags.

You are not to blame for him cheating. He should have come to you if he was unhappy, not turned to someone else. Cheating is not how you fix an unhappy marriage.

Yes, get a VAR. You can find one at Walmart for $40. Also buy some velcro and use it to affix the VAR to the underside of his car seat. Put it in his car before he goes to work and take it out and listen to it after he comes home (in secret, of course). This is a great way to hear who he is talking to on his commute. (Tip - don't install the VAR on a rainy day. It won't shut off during the day when the car is parked because it will record the rain on the car roof all day long and the battery will run out!)

I would also see if you can get a key-logger for his computer. Also try to find out if he has a SIM card in his phone. If so, you can get a SIM card reader to see his deleted texts.

Get a friend to create a fake account on FB and use a fake photo of a hot girl. If he accepts her friend request, she can see who is on his friends list.

There is definitely something up.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

dmac, there will be people that will tell you that your pre-affair situation is all his fault because he's not helping you, and there will be others telling you it's your fault for the sexual neglect. Both are really horrible and they feed off each other, it really doesn't matter which comes first.

He is almost certainly having an affair, and even if the affair is exposed, if you have neglected him for many years, he isn't going to choose to go back to what he believes is a sexless marriage.

Hope you do what's best for you - wishing you luck.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> It also amazes me when a husband with 3 children has a wife who is literally so exhausted from doing all the work that she falls in to bed at 10:00pm and instead of him oh say, helping her out instead of taking up new hobbies he complains about his wife's sex drive. Food for thought.
> 
> OP, listen to what some of the others have said here. Red flags all over the place.


I guess were both amazed then!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I do not believe for 1 moment that rasing 3 children make you so ehausted that you fall in to bed every night.

thats just an excuse to continue to deprioritise your husband.

skimp on other areas. have a messier house,cook easier meals, ask for help from dad. 

the women on here who come on and say this bull are not being realistic. the read this bull in red book or some other artical and get there panties in a bunch and start believing it themselves.

the most important thing a wife can do is keep the marriage intact thats whats best for children a safe and loving home enviroment. studies show time and time again that children that come for such an enviromnent excell and children who come from broken home do poorly. 

thats a general statement I know that some children from broken families can and do suceede but on average thats not what the numbers show.


some women want kids and then when they have some all they do is complain about how hard it is.

life is hard get over it.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Acorn said:


> dmac, there will be people that will tell you that your pre-affair situation is all his fault because he's not helping you, and there will be others telling you it's your fault for the sexual neglect. Both are really horrible and they feed off each other, it really doesn't matter which comes first.
> 
> He is almost certainly having an affair, and even if the affair is exposed, if you have neglected him for many years, he isn't going to choose to go back to what he believes is a sexless marriage.
> 
> Hope you do what's best for you - wishing you luck.


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

I don't think anyone is arguing that sexual neglect is okay in marriage, or acceptable, Chillymorn.

I think what we are saying is that cheating for any reason is WRONG. If her husband was seriously unhappy, it was his job to tell her CLEARLY that the lack of sex was a big problem and that he wanted it to change. If she didn't change, he had the option to leave the marriage. Cheating is never a viable option.

And the lack of sex in marriage is not one-sided. It happens because a dynamic between BOTH partners is created that leads to little or no sex. 

None of this stuff happens in a vacuum and to oversimplify it is not helpful at all.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

In "some" ways?

You do realize you admit neglecting him in THE way that is most important to a man.

And, #2 is not close.



dmac said:


> I realize that in some ways I have been neglecting him. If it wasn't breast feeding, it was therapy with a child with adhd, to another child with a broken leg, to stress from financial worries, to child sports, among cooking, cleaning, and laundry. He never wanted me to snoop through his phone, but he was never protective over it either. Does not even want me to bring it to him if it rings (I made the mistake of asking when his father was calling. Didn't snoop, it said the name in big bold letters.) The facebook is the thing that bother's me, as well as setting up a seperate email account that I didn't even know nor did I have the password to. This is besides the one he asked me to set up years ago, and I even was able to retrieve the password since he changed it and couldn't remember it. I don't have access to his phone bill. He switched both our phones to prepaid, then went to a different service a couple of monthes later without telling me. Also, I have even considered trying the swinger thing to see if that would help, and sorry but that is just not for me.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

Laurae1967 said:


> I don't think anyone is arguing that sexual neglect is okay in marriage, or acceptable, Chillymorn.
> 
> I think what we are saying is that cheating for any reason is WRONG. If her husband was seriously unhappy, it was his job to tell her CLEARLY that the lack of sex was a big problem and that he wanted it to change. If she didn't change, he had the option to leave the marriage. Cheating is never a viable option.
> 
> ...


Cheating and neglect are both abusive and neither is a viable option in a healthy marriage.

If you remove/fix/repair the cheating, you are still going to have the years of neglect. You can't just ignore someone for 3 years, arrange one date, and expect everything to be back to normal. It's not realistic. More realistic is the idea that for this marriage to succeed, both spouses would need to do a lot of soul searching as to why they allowed themselves to mistreat their partner so badly.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Laurae1967 said:


> I don't think anyone is arguing that sexual neglect is okay in marriage, or acceptable, Chillymorn.
> 
> I think what we are saying is that cheating for any reason is WRONG. If her husband was seriously unhappy, it was his job to tell her CLEARLY that the lack of sex was a big problem and that he wanted it to change. If she didn't change, he had the option to leave the marriage. Cheating is never a viable option.
> 
> ...


not this argument again.

you might think that there is never a reason to cheat but others don't hold that opinion.


neglecting your spouce for any reason is also WRONG.

its just a fact a percentage of men and women will cheat if neglected.

you can burry your head in the sand but thats a fact.

now the ball is in her court if he did indeed cheat (we don't really know at this point) so if she wants to she can divorce him.But I think it would be foolish to not understand her role in his cheating (if he truley did).

each and every couple going through this type of situation has to decide for themselves what they are willing to accept.

and my opinion is just as valid as anybody elses so I would ask you and any others that if you don't agree with my opinion then keep it to your self. I answered the poster with what I thought would maybe help her understand how SOME men feel on this if she would like to respond and bash me thats fine but everybody else should keep it to themselves.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Acorn said:


> Cheating and neglect are both abusive and neither is a viable option in a healthy marriage.
> 
> If you remove/fix/repair the cheating, you are still going to have the years of neglect. You can't just ignore someone for 3 years, arrange one date, and expect everything to be back to normal. It's not realistic. More realistic is the idea that for this marriage to succeed, both spouses would need to do a lot of soul searching as to why they allowed themselves to mistreat their partner so badly.


:iagree::iagree:


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Just to make sure I understand....the same people who are blaming this lady are the ones in other forums who tell the husband whose wife is cheating to "dump her" "divorce her" and "toss her out". No blame is put on him, solely on her.
It is revolting that this OP came here looking for help and the only message she got was "Honey, it's your fault". Disgusting.
OP, all the signs are there and you need to get to the bottom of this.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> No blame is put on him, solely on her.


Acorn: "*both spouses* would need to do a lot of soul searching as to why they allowed themselves to mistreat their partner so badly."

Chillymorn: "still *poor behavior never the less.on his part*. hell on both parts! "

Do you even read the posts?


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Rhetoric aside ... which really isn't going to help anyone ...

What do you want to have happen? What do you want for your marriage? Affair or not.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Acorn said:


> Acorn: "*both spouses* would need to do a lot of soul searching as to why they allowed themselves to mistreat their partner so badly."
> 
> Chillymorn: "still *poor behavior never the less.on his part*. hell on both parts! "
> 
> Do you even read the posts?



Sure did. Reread your post and explain the heeping of blame you are saddling her with. 

OP, I agree with Deejo. What are you looking for/going to do?


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

Acorn said:


> Cheating and neglect are both abusive and neither is a viable option in a healthy marriage.
> 
> If you remove/fix/repair the cheating, you are still going to have the years of neglect. You can't just ignore someone for 3 years, arrange one date, and expect everything to be back to normal. It's not realistic. More realistic is the idea that for this marriage to succeed, both spouses would need to do a lot of soul searching as to why they allowed themselves to mistreat their partner so badly.


Black and white thinking......

Yes, she plays a role in why the marriage is sexless and I would argue that her H also plays a role in that. I would further argue that INTENT matters. I don't think most wives or husbands intentionally withhold sex to be an abusive a$$hole. Many wives (and LD husbands) truly DON'T understand how important sex is for some people. But that is where good communication comes in. 

I agree that the resentment that comes from a sexless marriage does not go away over night. It takes time to heal that wound....just as it takes time to heal the wound from infidelity.

Two wrongs don't make a right. The blame game gets you nowhere. Figuring out what is driving both partners and seeking to have understanding and compassion for your spouse is so important to a good marriage.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

The cheating has to stop. The neglect needs to stop. Healing cannot occur with either going on.

There is no blame here. Just a lot of sadness with two people that are hurt.


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## HOPEFAITH (Oct 27, 2011)

I def think hes cheating...My husband all of a sudden had a HUGE issue about his phone and still does...He would be constantly guarding that dum piece of plastic technology....My husband never cared before now all of sudden he does..The minute he slipped and left his phone on the table while he went outside, the phone rang and what do you know?? IT WAS ANOTHER WOMAN..So i would do some major investigation and to get all your facts strait first..Dont ask him, otherwise he will try to be more sneaky!! Get out of it quick, sooner the better....It will hurt even more when you wait too long to get out...Good luck


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

There are some signs that he could be cheating, but my first suspicion is that he sounds like a very passive person who feels his needs are not being met, and doesn't know what else will work except passively punish you by making himself late for supper, procrastinating etc. If he is the typical nice guy he compartmentalizes everything which explains his secrecy about email accounts, he probably has some secret obsession such as porn or hopefully nothing more interactive - the texts to the unknown "someone" should be your main concern. If he backs up his phone on the home PC you should check the logs, the voice activated recorder under the car seat would also be useful, if you find nothing don't automatically suspect affair but do expect to find things you never knew about. When you have gathered intel when you confront him he will feel a lot of shame, so don't be too judgemental against him but do tell him how much his actions are hurting you. if there is an affair of some sort it definitely needs to stop if you want to fix things.


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