# Getting over anger



## Mollymolz (Jan 12, 2017)

I'm angry at my husband. I have a deep seated resentment towards him that's been growing in the last six months. I gave him $10000 to help pay off my car loan and instead he turned around and spent $18000 on a third car without talking to me first. I practically had to beat it out of him that he never paid off the car loan. Now he's confused about why I want my money back after we sell the car. On top of that, we've moved 12 times in the past 5 years and he's already talking about our next move. I'm losing it. I told him this week that I want a divorce. We're trying counceling first but I don't know if I can move past all the crap. Has anyone experienced anything like this? 

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## becareful2 (Jul 8, 2016)

That's financial infidelity. What was his reason for spending your hard earned money on a third car without asking for your permission first? How did he react when you told him you wanted a divorce? What was the reason for moving 12 times in 5 years? That's a lot.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Why the hell do you keep moving with him,is he running from debt or something else.And why did you give him ten grand to pay off YOUR car.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Curious Molly whose name is on the titles of the cars....also why did you not pay the title off yourself? Should you be underwater if you sold the new car and paid off yours?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

What about your marriage do you feel is worth saving?


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

Mollymolz said:


> I'm angry at my husband. I have a deep seated resentment towards him that's been growing in the last six months. I gave him $10000 to help pay off my car loan and instead he turned around and spent $18000 on a third car without talking to me first. I practically had to beat it out of him that he never paid off the car loan. Now he's confused about why I want my money back after we sell the car. On top of that, we've moved 12 times in the past 5 years and he's already talking about our next move. I'm losing it. I told him this week that I want a divorce. We're trying counceling first but I don't know if I can move past all the crap. Has anyone experienced anything like this?
> 
> Sent from my LG-D852 using Tapatalk


I'm familiar with a bunch of family members and acquaintances who are like this. In every case they have ruined their significant others. I'm an older guy who has been involved in business my whole life and have formed some opinions about these type of folks .... divorce him.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Mollymolz said:


> I'm angry at my husband. I have a deep seated resentment towards him that's been growing in the last six months. I gave him $10000 to help pay off my car loan and instead he turned around and spent $18000 on a third car without talking to me first. I practically had to beat it out of him that he never paid off the car loan. Now he's confused about why I want my money back after we sell the car. On top of that, we've moved 12 times in the past 5 years and he's already talking about our next move. I'm losing it. I told him this week that I want a divorce. We're trying counceling first but I don't know if I can move past all the crap. Has anyone experienced anything like this?


You should have used that $10,000 on a good divorce attorney.


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## Mollymolz (Jan 12, 2017)

becareful2 said:


> That's financial infidelity. What was his reason for spending your hard earned money on a third car without asking for your permission first? How did he react when you told him you wanted a divorce? What was the reason for moving 12 times in 5 years? That's a lot.


He gave me the car to drive. He wanted me to be happy. Sweet but misguided. The moving is because something about the current house bothers him. The road is too loud, he doesn't like the landlord. This last time it was because I didn't like his work and wanted to go back to his old area. Guess what? Now he misses the area he just left. Argg

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## Mollymolz (Jan 12, 2017)

Andy1001 said:


> Why the hell do you keep moving with him,is he running from debt or something else.And why did you give him ten grand to pay off YOUR car.


Moving is because he's very unsettled and finds something to hate about our houses. We have three kids so leaving isn't easy at all. We have Dept but aren't running from it. The car is mine but is in his name. I wanted to help. 

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## Mollymolz (Jan 12, 2017)

Lostinthought61 said:


> Curious Molly whose name is on the titles of the cars....also why did you not pay the title off yourself? Should you be underwater if you sold the new car and paid off yours?


Everything is in his name. We're selling the new car today. He's putting some money on some other dept and I'm taking my money back. 

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## Mollymolz (Jan 12, 2017)

Openminded said:


> What about your marriage do you feel is worth saving?


I'm hope so. He's a great dad but definitely has issues. 

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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Mollymolz said:


> He gave me the car to drive. He wanted me to be happy. Sweet but misguided. The moving is because something about the current house bothers him. The road is too loud, he doesn't like the landlord. This last time it was because I didn't like his work and wanted to go back to his old area. Guess what? Now he misses the area he just left. Argg
> 
> Sent from my LG-D852 using Tapatalk


 @Mollymolz, do you know how to say, "no " to your husband?

While I can sympathize with your anger and resentment, which is completely understandable, you've pretty much given him the signal that you're OK with all of these moves by not speaking up for what YOU want.

The resentment may be too deep rooted for MC to have any positive effect, but I commend you for wanting to try.

Practice saying variations of "no" and "I'm not OK with that" in the mirror. 

He has totally lost your financial trust, so I'd require he take a financial security class or lose ownership of credit cards, etc.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Molly,

I didn't read everything you wrote but you seem to have married a "spender", a guy who always has to have new and better stuff. Your life with him will be a treadmill of fear wondering everyday what expensive gadget he is going to bring home next. All the while you will desperately be trying to hold your life together. He may even have more photographs of him with cars than with his family and you.

He is addicted to buying things but as the high of purchases wears off quickly he's back at it again.

Where there is financial infidelity there is often sexual infidelity, both are based on dishonesty.

Tamat


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## jetzon (Mar 16, 2015)

REALLY , if this is for real i think its time for you to move on !


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Okay, before I go back and read your other 180+ posts, if he has been a spender for a while and you know he builds debt, why didn't you pay the bill yourself? I'm asking because you said you gave him the 10K.


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## Mollymolz (Jan 12, 2017)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> Okay, before I go back and read your other 180+ posts, if he has been a spender for a while and you know he builds debt, why didn't you pay the bill yourself? I'm asking because you said you gave him the 10K.


The car is mine but is in his name. I was trying to be helpful and help pay for a car that I'm driving. 

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## Mollymolz (Jan 12, 2017)

TAMAT said:


> Molly,
> 
> I didn't read everything you wrote but you seem to have married a "spender", a guy who always has to have new and better stuff. Your life with him will be a treadmill of fear wondering everyday what expensive gadget he is going to bring home next. All the while you will desperately be trying to hold your life together. He may even have more photographs of him with cars than with his family and you.
> 
> ...


I agree to it being a high for him, but he's definitely not cheating. 

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## Mollymolz (Jan 12, 2017)

Satya said:


> @Mollymolz, do you know how to say, "no " to your husband?
> 
> While I can sympathize with your anger and resentment, which is completely understandable, you've pretty much given him the signal that you're OK with all of these moves by not speaking up for what YOU want.
> 
> ...


Trust me I say"no" to a lot of things. Then with other things I say no so many times and then get beat down with his persistence, like moving this last time. However, I'm actually glad we moved this time because my parents are close and we have help with kids. I forced counseling now because it's either we stay out or split up. 

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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Mollymolz said:


> The car is mine but is in his name. I was trying to be helpful and help pay for a car that I'm driving.
> 
> Sent from my LG-D852 using Tapatalk


You didn't understand my question, why didn't YOU pay the bill yourself?

No, I am not excusing his actions.


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## Mollymolz (Jan 12, 2017)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> You didn't understand my question, why didn't YOU pay the bill yourself?
> 
> No, I am not excusing his actions.


I can't pay the bill myself because I am not on the loan title. 

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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

Mollymolz said:


> I can't pay the bill myself because I am not on the loan title.
> 
> Sent from my LG-D852 using Tapatalk


You just go online and ask him for his login and password then schedule the payment. You don't need to be on the title to make a payment. 

You say that the car is his as it is in his name but most places are "joint property' where they are considered the property of both spouses.


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## Mollymolz (Jan 12, 2017)

WonkyNinja said:


> You just go online and ask him for his login and password then schedule the payment. You don't need to be on the title to make a payment.
> 
> You say that the car is his as it is in his name but most places are "joint property' where they are considered the property of both spouses.


This is true. However, I also thought I could trust that the money was going to go where he said it would. We are selling the car today and he's giving my money back. I'm really hoping counceling helps us. 

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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Andy1001 said:


> Why the hell do you keep moving with him,is he running from debt or something else.And why did you give him ten grand to pay off YOUR car.


*I would have just paid the damned thing off myself, keeping him totally "out of the loop!"

Some people simply cannot be trusted with money!

More especially your spouse!*


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## Mollymolz (Jan 12, 2017)

arbitrator said:


> *I would have just paid the damned thing off myself, keeping him totally "out of the loop!"
> 
> Some people simply cannot be trusted with money!*


My issue is that I should not have to babysit large sums of money. I should be able to trust and that is that. 

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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Mollymolz said:


> I can't pay the bill myself because I am not on the loan title.


You sound as uninformed about finances as your husband....

The bank will take money from anyone as long as Ben Franklin and/or Andrew Jackson is involved in the transaction.

Also, why are you not on the title? Clearly, your husband is grossly irresponsible. This shouldn't be news to you.

You need to take full ownership of your own assets.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Mollymolz said:


> The moving is because something about the current house bothers him. The road is too loud, he doesn't like the landlord. This last time it was because I didn't like his work and wanted to go back to his old area. Guess what? Now he misses the area he just left.


I have to disagree that this guy is a good father. I assume moving the children this many times necessitates that they change schools, adjust to a new routine, find new friends, etc. Plus, he's a malcontent. Some example for the children, huh? Moving is stressful enough, but this is over the line. 

Frankly, I couldn't stand being around someone who complains about stuff like this. But it's your life and your choice. Maybe counseling will get him to adjust his expectations so he won't complain so dang much. I'd have been out the door like yesterday. JMO.


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## Mollymolz (Jan 12, 2017)

Prodigal said:


> I have to disagree that this guy is a good father. I assume moving the children this many times necessitates that they change schools, adjust to a new routine, find new friends, etc. Plus, he's a malcontent. Some example for the children, huh? Moving is stressful enough, but this is over the line.
> 
> Frankly, I couldn't stand being around someone who complains about stuff like this. But it's your life and your choice. Maybe counseling will get him to adjust his expectations so he won't complain so dang much. I'd have been out the door like yesterday. JMO.


Moving hasn't been easy. The kids are all under 5 and at least they aren't in school yet. He's not had an easy life and he's doing the best that he can to be a good father. He does a hell of a lot more for the kids then a lot of dead beats. He shows up for them and does a lot in the childcare department. My issue is no with his parenting, only with his unsettled nature and his financial habits. Maybe he's not setting the best example but it's far from being the worst. 

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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Interesting, my wife has paid for my car. I have made payments for my daughter. I've made payments for my parents. So, I might live in a different state, but I have always been able to pay things for other people. Companies won't let you take money, but they sure will take the payment from someone else. I guess you live in a different country.


As to your other comment, sure you should be able to trust him, but YOU said he was irresponsible. I don't play fitness tests. I do not like to set up people to fail. I either take the lead or your are someone I do not engage with on any level to irritate me. My wife isn't great with money so, we have separate accounts and I control the credit cards. Say what you want, I'm not posting about 10K wasted and I'm not angry with my wife.


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## Mollymolz (Jan 12, 2017)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> Interesting, my wife has paid for my car. I have made payments for my daughter. I've made payments for my parents. So, I might live in a different state, but I have always been able to pay things for other people. Companies won't let you take money, but they sure will take the payment from someone else. I guess you live in a different country.
> 
> 
> As to your other comment, sure you should be able to trust him, but YOU said he was irresponsible. I don't play fitness tests. I do not like to set up people to fail. I either take the lead or your are someone I do not engage with on any level to irritate me. My wife isn't great with money so, we have separate accounts and I control the credit cards. Say what you want, I'm not posting about 10K wasted and I'm not angry with my wife.


We live in Canada. It works a little differently and I don't think you can just walk into a bank to pay someone else's credit. We sold the car today and I'm getting my money back. I don't want to have to take the lead in my relationships. To me that doesn't sound like an equal relationship. I want one where a couple works together instead of one person telling the other how it will be, or making decisions without consulting the other first. I'm hoping counceling will help. I was really looking for people's experiences with getting past anger and moving on after emotional upheaval. 

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## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

Does he provide financial support for the family? Why can't he live within your means? I do think you are on the right path to try to find ways to trust him again, for the sake of your marriage, but it sounds like there's more going on with the frequent relocating, etc. Can he hold a job? It sounds like you two have finances completely separated- is that right? If so, is there a way that he can handle his portion of bill-paying, saving, and spending so you dont have to babysit him in the future without the chances of him ruining your financial stability?


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## Mollymolz (Jan 12, 2017)

Jessica38 said:


> Does he provide financial support for the family? Why can't he live within your means? I do think you are on the right path to try to find ways to trust him again, for the sake of your marriage, but it sounds like there's more going on with the frequent relocating, etc. Can he hold a job? It sounds like you two have finances completely separated- is that right? If so, is there a way that he can handle his portion of bill-paying, saving, and spending so you dont have to babysit him in the future without the chances of him ruining your financial stability?


He does provide. He carries most of the mortgage and bills while I cover groceries. It's fair since he has an income. I am on student loans right now and am doing my best. He's kept the same job. We're not starving or anything. I am hoping counceling will help us. 

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## Mollymolz (Jan 12, 2017)

Jessica38 said:


> Does he provide financial support for the family? Why can't he live within your means? I do think you are on the right path to try to find ways to trust him again, for the sake of your marriage, but it sounds like there's more going on with the frequent relocating, etc. Can he hold a job? It sounds like you two have finances completely separated- is that right? If so, is there a way that he can handle his portion of bill-paying, saving, and spending so you dont have to babysit him in the future without the chances of him ruining your financial stability?


Also our finances are completely separated. Covering bills has never been an issue. 

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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

Mollymolz said:


> My issue is that I should not have to babysit large sums of money. I should be able to trust and that is that.
> 
> Sent from my LG-D852 using Tapatalk


That's not an issue, that's a totally realistic expectation in a marriage.



Mollymolz said:


> We live in Canada. It works a little differently and I don't think you can just walk into a bank to pay someone else's credit. We sold the car today and I'm getting my money back. I don't want to have to take the lead in my relationships. To me that doesn't sound like an equal relationship. I want one where a couple works together instead of one person telling the other how it will be, or making decisions without consulting the other first. I'm hoping counceling will help. I was really looking for people's experiences with getting past anger and moving on after emotional upheaval.
> 
> Sent from my LG-D852 using Tapatalk


To answer your actual question ..... By the time our relationship ( i.e. me and my XW ) got to that point my resentment was too much, she saw what I wanted as irrelevant and selfish and just stonewalled me when I tried to discuss it. After some weeks in counseling the best I could see us getting back to wasn't worth having.


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## Mollymolz (Jan 12, 2017)

WonkyNinja said:


> That's not an issue, that's a totally realistic expectation in a marriage.
> 
> 
> 
> To answer your actual question ..... By the time our relationship ( i.e. me and my XW ) got to that point my resentment was too much, she saw what I wanted as irrelevant and selfish and just stonewalled me when I tried to discuss it. After some weeks in counseling the best I could see us getting back to wasn't worth having.


Fair enough, that is unfortunate. Why are relationships such a b****? 

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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Mollymolz said:


> We live in Canada. It works a little differently and I don't think you can just walk into a bank to pay someone else's credit. We sold the car today and I'm getting my money back. I don't want to have to take the lead in my relationships. To me that doesn't sound like an equal relationship. I want one where a couple works together instead of one person telling the other how it will be, or making decisions without consulting the other first. I'm hoping counceling will help. I was really looking for people's experiences with getting past anger and moving on after emotional upheaval.
> 
> Sent from my LG-D852 using Tapatalk


I hate to say it, but while this may be what you WANT, this isn't what you have or what you are going to get in this marriage. You have a lot of hope riding on counseling, but MC is not a magic cure all. In order for there to be changes, your husband has to realize his issues and do the work to make the changes. He very well may not see anything wrong with the way he does things. There is no way in hell I would be with someone who insisted on uprooting me and my family constantly. That alone would be enough for me to bail. Add to that the irresponsibility with money... no way. Oh and as far as learning to get past anger and resentment... that isn't going to be possible with the way he currently is, because as soon as you come to a place of peace or acceptance, he will come back through upending everything again, because he cannot be content without upheaval. 

You said you are using student loans to help maintain the household. I have to say that is a really BAD idea. That ten grand you put up for the car will be with you next to forever. Student loans NEVER go away, at least not here in the US they don't, maybe Canada laws are different. Keep those to the bare minimum.


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## Mollymolz (Jan 12, 2017)

3Xnocharm said:


> I hate to say it, but while this may be what you WANT, this isn't what you have or what you are going to get in this marriage. You have a lot of hope riding on counseling, but MC is not a magic cure all. In order for there to be changes, your husband has to realize his issues and do the work to make the changes. He very well may not see anything wrong with the way he does things. There is no way in hell I would be with someone who insisted on uprooting me and my family constantly. That alone would be enough for me to bail. Add to that the irresponsibility with money... no way. Oh and as far as learning to get past anger and resentment... that isn't going to be possible with the way he currently is, because as soon as you come to a place of peace or acceptance, he will come back through upending everything again, because he cannot be content without upheaval.
> 
> You said you are using student loans to help maintain the household. I have to say that is a really BAD idea. That ten grand you put up for the car will be with you next to forever. Student loans NEVER go away, at least not here in the US they don't, maybe Canada laws are different. Keep those to the bare minimum.


I have options with my loans. The field of work I'm going to has a lot of government jobs. In Canada​, government employees are eligible for a third of their loans to be repaid annually for three years. After three years they're gone. So that's not an issue. I do have a lot riding on counceling. If it doesn't work and no changes are made then I am done. We have three kids so I want to give it everything I can. I know that will only work if both partners show up to the party. 

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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Wow, that's AWESOME about your loans!


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## Mollymolz (Jan 12, 2017)

3Xnocharm said:


> Wow, that's AWESOME about your loans!


I think so too otherwise I'd be losing my mind. Now I just need to land a government job! 

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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Mollymolz said:


> I told him this week that I want a divorce.


Don't throw out the "D-word" if you aren't ready to see an attorney and have the papers drawn up. I pointed out your husband isn't a great role model for the kids and you argued as to why he isn't all that bad. You asked for a divorce. I read your post. I gave my opinion. Don't like it? There's a handy "ignore" button you can select that will block me. Problem solved.

But we are a bunch of total strangers out in cyberspace. You ask for opinions, you get them. If the guy is a big enough **** for you to ask for a divorce, then he's not any great shakes as a father either. AGAIN, IT IS JUST MY OPINION. Take what you want and leave the rest. Seriously.


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## Mollymolz (Jan 12, 2017)

Prodigal said:


> Don't throw out the "D-word" if you aren't ready to see an attorney and have the papers drawn up. I pointed out your husband isn't a great role model for the kids and you argued as to why he isn't all that bad. You asked for a divorce. I read your post. I gave my opinion. Don't like it? There's a handy "ignore" button you can select that will block me. Problem solved.
> 
> But we are a bunch of total strangers out in cyberspace. You ask for opinions, you get them. If the guy is a big enough **** for you to ask for a divorce, then he's not any great shakes as a father either. AGAIN, IT IS JUST MY OPINION. Take what you want and leave the rest. Seriously.


No need to get defensive

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