# So how do I fix it?



## OIIIIO (Feb 6, 2011)

So I've been trolling around here, studying the different posts trying to find an answer for my own question, to no avail. My question is, how do you fix it?
I've been married for 10 years, just he and I at home, and this is definitely not my first rodeo. 
My husband, for whatever reason, does not want to have sex with me. Not only that, but the intimacy is gone as well. This has been going on for at least 5 years now, culminating to a more serious level in the past two years.
Before, I could comment about the no sex, and things would change for a little while...now it's nothing.
I am a very sexual person, not overweight, not ugly (I don't think). I have tried losing weight, gaining weight, being more forward, waiting on him, begging, pleading, ignoring, and even threatening to leave. All to no avail.
I even convinced him to go to therapy counseling and he quit after a couple of times. He just puts up a wall, doesn't speak, and I can't get thru.
I would go out and have an affair just to get some type of affection, but I have allowed him to take my self esteem to rock bottom.
If anyone out there has any ideas, I would be eternally grateful. I am at a total loss.


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## hubby (Aug 10, 2009)

Sounds like you tried everything, even threatening to leave if things don't change. What was his reaction to that? Did he say he would try or did he not care?

If your threat did not bother him, it will be very difficult for him to change. 

Have you discussed opening up the marriage with him? While this rarely works, if he is OK with it then why not try it?

Any kids?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## OIIIIO (Feb 6, 2011)

hubby said:


> Sounds like you tried everything, even threatening to leave if things don't change. What was his reaction to that? Did he say he would try or did he not care?
> 
> If your threat did not bother him, it will be very difficult for him to change.
> 
> ...


I have tried everything that I know of. His reaction when I threatened to leave was to cry and swear things would be different. And yet nothing changed...not even close. 
As far as opening the marriage, I have mentioned that I am considering the fact of someone else, and he just acts betrayed. That I couldn't love him if I even thought of such a thing. 
My opinion is, if he loved me, he would listen.
As for kids, I have one, not at home, and he has never had children. 
As I said, I've tried all options. Don't know what else to do but leave, and I really don't want to do that, but unfortunately I see it coming 
Thanks for trying:smthumbup:


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## hubby (Aug 10, 2009)

So he cried, maybe he does care. But either he does not care enough or he thought you were bluffing. 

Maybe you two need a little separate time before you go straight for a divorce. Can you stay at a friends that you trust will keep your marriage issues quiet? Not your family. 

Maybe before that you two come up with a tangible plan with specific goals such as a date night once a week, no matter what. Sex at least twice a week. A make out session. A good spanking, whatever. This may seem contrived, and at first it is, but you need to get the ball rolling and the juices flowing and it may just start to feel natural after time. 

Whatever you decide, don't stand for the status quo. You need to drive the change in your relationship. Exhaust all your options and set your own personal goal on how long you will give it you all before you leave.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Does he have medical problems which could be causing these problems?


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

Has he had his testosterone checked? Could be low. Or there could be something else going on. How are things outside the bedroom? Could HE be having an affair? Not suggesting he is, just considering all possibilities. There's definitely something wrong here, you're right about that. How infrequent are we talking? Never? Once a month? Once a year?


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## OIIIIO (Feb 6, 2011)

hubby said:


> So he cried, maybe he does care. But either he does not care enough or he thought you were bluffing.
> 
> Maybe you two need a little separate time before you go straight for a divorce. Can you stay at a friends that you trust will keep your marriage issues quiet? Not your family.
> 
> ...


There is no place to go for time away, and he wouldn't stand for that anyway. I'll give the date thing a try. It's just really hard to make a move on someone whom you know isn't interested. But I do like what you said that I need to drive the change in my relationship. When I did that before, then stopped being the agressor, it just went back to the same situation.
As for any medical problems, none on either end that I know of. He went to the dr and got viagra. Somehow the bottle amount kept diminishing, but I was getting no result??? He is on an anxiety med, Lexapro, which is totally due to his work. Maybe I should try some


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## OIIIIO (Feb 6, 2011)

LonelyNLost said:


> Has he had his testosterone checked? Could be low. Or there could be something else going on. How are things outside the bedroom? Could HE be having an affair? Not suggesting he is, just considering all possibilities. There's definitely something wrong here, you're right about that. How infrequent are we talking? Never? Once a month? Once a year?


He has had his testosterone checked, slightly low but they refuse to give him any due to the fact that his PSA is just a little elevated. Things outside the bedroom are about the same as in. There is no communication, no affection, no anything. Which makes me wonder how much deeper this really goes other than sex. It wouldn't surprise me if he's having an affair. But if he is, he's having it AT work, because we are together 98% of the time.
Last year we had sex 22 times. So far, the last time we had sex was in November. :scratchhead:


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Lexapro has been documented to reduce sex drive in some people. Please discuss this with his doctor or pharmacist.

That's also interesting his Viagra is disappearing but you aren't benefiting from it.


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## IanIronwood (Jan 7, 2011)

OIIIIO said:


> He has had his testosterone checked, slightly low but they refuse to give him any due to the fact that his PSA is just a little elevated. Things outside the bedroom are about the same as in. There is no communication, no affection, no anything. Which makes me wonder how much deeper this really goes other than sex. It wouldn't surprise me if he's having an affair. But if he is, he's having it AT work, because we are together 98% of the time.
> Last year we had sex 22 times. So far, the last time we had sex was in November. :scratchhead:


Okay, you say you've tried "everything", but I can see a lot of room left here for work. 

It sounds like your husband is going through a self-identity thing. It happens. And he's not going to "get better" until it's fixed, I'd say. It's manifesting in the relationship, but it doesn't sound like the relationship is the issue, just a symptom of something going on more deeply in his psyche. If the relationship was the issue, then I'd expect that there'd be a lot more acrimony, not just . . . stagnation.

While low testosterone is problematic, it's just part of the problem. It's likely that he's dealing with issues of identity, including sexual identity perhaps, and a lot of times those issues are wrapped up with father issues. Is his dad still alive, and what kind of relationship did they have? And he might have mother issues as well, especially if he had an abusive or domineering mother.

You can try the dating-and-communications route, and maybe get a better response, but it's not going to fix the innate problem. You need to challenge him, get him out of his comfort zone and into a positive-growth experience. You need to force him to face his fears, face his issues, and get a handle on just who he is before you can establish who he is in the relationship. I think part of the issue might be that he feels "mothered" in the relationship (just guessing, of course) and that layer of resentment is essentially anti-sex. Do you do a lot to "take care of him"? Was it an easy courtship, or did he have to fight for you? 

It's often said that we don't value what we did not pay a price for, and it may well be a case of him feeling like he settled, somehow, instead of him feeling like he won the prize. Not saying it's you -- on the contrary. But unless you do something to banish the issues, light a fire under his inner-Alpha, and you start relating to him more as a girlfriend and less as a wife in his mind, you're not going to get the nookie you want.

I know, I know, sounds all very Iron John. But there's more to male sexuality than can be communicated out in counseling. You aren't going to get the raging beast in bed unless you encourage the raging beast in real life. 

Just sayin'. Good luck.


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## OIIIIO (Feb 6, 2011)

IanIronwood said:


> Okay, you say you've tried "everything", but I can see a lot of room left here for work.
> 
> It sounds like your husband is going through a self-identity thing. It happens. And he's not going to "get better" until it's fixed, I'd say. It's manifesting in the relationship, but it doesn't sound like the relationship is the issue, just a symptom of something going on more deeply in his psyche. If the relationship was the issue, then I'd expect that there'd be a lot more acrimony, not just . . . stagnation.
> 
> ...


Sounds like you hit the nail on the head! If I understand correctly, lack of sex is just a by product of his insecurities and lack of direction?

His dad died in the 80s, long before I met him. I get the feeling sometimes that there was something that had went on, but getting him to talk is impossible. I don't think they had such a good relationship.

His mom is deceased as well, just died a couple of years ago, and she was the most gentle woman. I understand that his dad used to be violent with her. Part of his problem maybe? He and his Mom had a great relationship. He actually stayed with her until he was around 40.

My biggest question is how do I challenge him...get him to face issues? When I try, he just puts up walls and literally DOES NOT COMMUNICATE. I feel that he may resent me, but again, I can't get him to talk. Says that he doesn't like "arguing", even though all we are doing is talking.

So now I'm more confused than ever. Do I pursue the sex like a 12-year old wanting a bike, or antagonize him even further by getting him to understand why he is acting as he is?

And as for taking care of him, since things have went as downhill as they have, I have started doing less and less at home...a withdrawal on my part. And the courtship was easy, I guess. He actually "won", for lack of a better word, me from another guy.

So how do I get someone who won't talk to come out of their shell and be the man I need them to be...the man they want to be?

Thanks for the different insight


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## IanIronwood (Jan 7, 2011)

OIIIIO said:


> Sounds like you hit the nail on the head! If I understand correctly, lack of sex is just a by product of his insecurities and lack of direction?
> 
> His dad died in the 80s, long before I met him. I get the feeling sometimes that there was something that had went on, but getting him to talk is impossible. I don't think they had such a good relationship.
> 
> ...


Not a problem.

Let's see . . . long-term relationship with mother, tumultuous relationship with deceased father, hints of abuse, uh-huh, uh-huh . . . classic.

Of course he clams up. His father showed him very early on when it comes to expressing feelings that only strong negative feelings are permissible to be expressed. Anything else you lock down tight until it turns into a brain tumor. With his mother being the dominant parent in his life, that is, the one he looked to most often, yes, he has some mommy issues as well.

So, you need to take care of both. He's still in competition with his abusive father, whether he sees that or not, and is either afraid of becoming his father (likely) or feels that he's not measuring up to his father (also possible). Either way, it isn't good for Naked Happy Time. Likewise his relationship with his mother has likely elevated her to sainted levels. While that's all very good in the movies, in real life if a man can't acknowledge his mother's humanity, then he's going to have a hard time acknowledging that in his wife. Indeed, he's comparing you to her on a daily basis in terms of how you both make him feel, and since he has an idealized picture of her, you're never, ever going to measure up. 

It's confusing and tangled, but not irreparable. But it's not going to be easy.

Let's start by taking the marriage off the table.

Yes, you read that right. Stop focusing on the marriage and start focusing on the relationship. Women often talk about "the relationship", but they mean the marriage. Forget the marriage. The marriage is a sham without the relationship. So work on that.

Make him relate to you in a way that's other than his "wife". Take off your wedding ring and be his girlfriend for a while. Just explain it first, so he doesn't see it as a sign of rejection. I doubt he'll use it as an excuse to cheat (if he hasn't done it already, he probably won't) but if you're "boyfriend/girlfriend" again without the pressures and expectations of marriage, even for a short time, it might get him to relax enough to confide in. A man will tell his girlfriend all sorts of things he won't tell his wife. Heck, if you're game, be his "mistress" in the non-BDSM sense, for a while. Put him in a space where it's comfortable to talk, where he wont' be judged for what he says, and don't put him under any pressure to talk, and you won't get him to shut up.

A friend of mine did this successfully to her husband of 7 years, although she went so far as to wear a wig and alter her style altogether, even adopting a different name and agreeing to meet him in seedy hotel rooms. The rule was they couldn't discuss anything that went on in the hotel in their married life. Worked wonders.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

IanIronwood said:


> Make him relate to you in a way that's other than his "wife". Take off your wedding ring and be his girlfriend for a while. Just explain it first, so he doesn't see it as a sign of rejection. I doubt he'll use it as an excuse to cheat (if he hasn't done it already, he probably won't) but if you're "boyfriend/girlfriend" again without the pressures and expectations of marriage, even for a short time, it might get him to relax enough to confide in. A man will tell his girlfriend all sorts of things he won't tell his wife. Heck, if you're game, be his "mistress" in the non-BDSM sense, for a while. Put him in a space where it's comfortable to talk, where he wont' be judged for what he says, and don't put him under any pressure to talk, and you won't get him to shut up.
> 
> A friend of mine did this successfully to her husband of 7 years, although she went so far as to wear a wig and alter her style altogether, even adopting a different name and agreeing to meet him in seedy hotel rooms. The rule was they couldn't discuss anything that went on in the hotel in their married life. Worked wonders.


Reading this reminds me of a Book I have on my shelves called Kosher Adultery. Amazon.com: Kosher Adultery: Seduce and Sin With Your Spouse (9781580627924): Shmuley Boteach: Books Within these pages somewhere , it talks about a husband who wanted to re-ignite his wife's passion, I can't remember the specifics. He talked her into getting a massage by a stranger, but one thing -she could not see his face. And here it was the husband all along, not a stranger at all. It ended up getting a little hot & heavy, he had to stop. I can't remember if he ever shared that it was HIM. BUt this experiment did wonders for their sex life . 

I guess there is some "allure" to someone new- it can be very powerful, whether that be right or wrong, it just is, for some. 

What is so wonderful about it is -WE can make that New person be US all along, with just a little imagination & creativity -- so break out of the roles of regular hum drum husband & wife & SIN with your spouse!


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## OIIIIO (Feb 6, 2011)

Thank you Ian. Gave me a whole new way of looking at the situation. Here's hoping that I can figure out what moves I need to make to help him (and me) get back to the relationship that is needed. And if not, give me the strength to move on.
Thanks again


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