# What a now SECOND divorce will do to my already hurt children



## stuck on hold (Sep 16, 2013)

I think there is a thread on here called " Infideltiy affect on children". Many of you already know most of my story and how Im dealing with it all. This thread is not about me but about what my children feel. My 13 year old daughter finished her homework and was taking a shower when I came across the essay she was working on. She doesnt know I read this but my heart almost exploded when I did. I know I have to make moves, I know I need to leave, I know this will never be in R mode but the damage done to the kids is unbearable. You feel so responsible and helpless. You leave one horrible marriage and think you've learned your lesson and are smart and think you know to the ways of liar, cheater, violent, selfish person. You wait to give your children enough time to be ready emotionally for a second relationship. You are carefull NOT to introduce them to any man unless you know that is "the one". You invest your heart, your life, more importantly your children and BAM like something out of your worst nightmare you are hit again with ANOTHER divorce. Now what do you say for your already guarded and hurt children who are obviously still hurting from the first divorce that its happening AGAIN. The step parent takes on a HUGE responsibility to the children in a blended family. Regardless if the parent is around or not. They are carefull to trust you, trust your new marriage, your motives, how you love thier mom / dad then when they are almost at a place of trust the step parent does to them what their own parent has already done. You as the parent told them it was ok to trust this new person. Trust me in trusting him I said. Now you are left to look at these children who are looking to you for answers as to why. I dont even have the answers and whatever answer I do have is to much to explain to a 13 year old. The selfishness of a cheater goes much much deeper then a "scorned wife". What put the nail in the coffin for me was NOT so much the affair. It was the conduct afterwards. It was the pain that will trickle down to all the children who finally felt safe. The cheaters meanwhile still go on with their affair even after they are caught cause its all about them. 

Im posting her essay here for all to see how the pain of losing trust affect the children more then the selfish cheater can ever realize. 

*Stranger

I dont even remember him anymore. If I saw him walking on the street, I wouldnt recognize him. Its weird to hear about him because the only memoreis I have of him ....are violent. I can't even say his name without getting chills. The worst part is.....he is my dad. 

Stranger, that's what he is too me, he doesnt know what I like, or even what I look like, or that I sing...he doesnt know ME. Stranger, I dont know what he likes, or even what he looks like, I dont know HIM. The last time I saw him I was 8, I am now 13. Thats 5 years with no need to buy a fathers day card, or get the chance to be a daddys girl. There is so much missing, a hole so big it cant be fixed. I FELFT so abandoned. Trying to forget someone you love is like trying to remember someone you never met, like a stranger. 

Sometimes I feel like how I use to, but every time I feel like that I set a new gols for myself so that if I ever do see him again, I can tell him all the things I have accomplished. I look at things ina different way now. I appreciate the little things my family does for me. My life has changed a lot in the last 5 years all good things. Finally.....finally i have a family. There are somethigs that hold me back, like I cant handle when my step dad yells at me or when any male yells at me, it feels like Im am paralyzed. 

I will always feel like something is missing but I will always try to be happy. I love my mom and my sister and my brother and my whole family. Me and my dad dont see each other, but we will always be family. 

*


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## remorseful strayer (Nov 13, 2012)

stuck on hold said:


> I think there is a thread on here called " Infideltiy affect on children". Many of you already know most of my story and how Im dealing with it all. This thread is not about me but about what my children feel. My 13 year old daughter finished her homework and was taking a shower when I came across the essay she was working on. She doesnt know I read this but my heart almost exploded when I did. I know I have to make moves, I know I need to leave, I know this will never be in R mode but the damage done to the kids is unbearable. You feel so responsible and helpless. You leave one horrible marriage and think you've learned your lesson and are smart and think you know to the ways of liar, cheater, violent, selfish person. You wait to give your children enough time to be ready emotionally for a second relationship. You are carefull NOT to introduce them to any man unless you know that is "the one". You invest your heart, your life, more importantly your children and BAM like something out of your worst nightmare you are hit again with ANOTHER divorce. Now what do you say for your already guarded and hurt children who are obviously still hurting from the first divorce that its happening AGAIN. The step parent takes on a HUGE responsibility to the children in a blended family. Regardless if the parent is around or not. They are carefull to trust you, trust your new marriage, your motives, how you love thier mom / dad then when they are almost at a place of trust the step parent does to them what their own parent has already done. You as the parent told them it was ok to trust this new person. Trust me in trusting him I said. Now you are left to look at these children who are looking to you for answers as to why. I dont even have the answers and whatever answer I do have is to much to explain to a 13 year old. The selfishness of a cheater goes much much deeper then a "scorned wife". What put the nail in the coffin for me was NOT so much the affair. It was the conduct afterwards. It was the pain that will trickle down to all the children who finally felt safe. The cheaters meanwhile still go on with their affair even after they are caught cause its all about them.
> 
> Im posting her essay here for all to see how the pain of losing trust affect the children more then the selfish cheater can ever realize.
> 
> ...


If your husband abandoned his child, he has issues that go far beyond infidelity. 

Get your daughter counseling. She needs to know that her dad leaving was not her fault. 

Her father is broken, and likely beyond repair. It's not her fault and she needs someone in authority to tell her that.


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## missthelove2013 (Sep 23, 2013)

Your thread made me cry...and I dont cry much. The thought of hurting my children is unbearable, god help anyone who tries to hurt them.
I wish you luck, and sincerely hope it works out. Kids are tough, amazingly resiliant...all you can do is love them and be there for them.


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## loopy lu (Oct 30, 2013)

Not meaning minimise things, but the second divorce will never have the same impact as her father abandoning her. My father bailed on me, but I would have been happy for my mother to leave my step father and all his dysfunction behind...instead she chose him and kicked me out.


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## LonelyinTN (Oct 24, 2013)

So sorry for your babies. I hope she doesn't grow up with man issues like I did. I agree to get her some counseling or she will never trust a man and her adult relationships will be a mess.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I understand how hard it is when you fail the second time. And to take your child(ren) through it is ever worse.

It sounds like your daughter knows that things are not right. She knows that he yells. As sad as it is, the best thing you can do right now is to show her what to do when a relationship goes wrong.

You might want to see a counselor and have that person help you come up with what you need to tell her. A few session with you and her might be a good idea.

You are going to have to let her know that you made a mistake. You trusted when you should not have. Let her know that you realize that you picked the wrong men. That you are broken. And that you will get counseling to help you learn to do better. 

She will most likely need counseling so prevent her from ending up in the same type of situation.


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## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

stuck on hold said:


> The selfishness of a cheater goes much much deeper then a "scorned wife". What put the nail in the coffin for me was NOT so much the affair. It was the conduct afterwards. It was the pain that will trickle down to all the children who finally felt safe. The cheaters meanwhile still go on with their affair even after they are caught cause its all about them.
> 
> Such a true stmt..its the conduct afterwards that i hold all my anger and resentment towards X.
> 
> Your daughter's poem is moving to say the least.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Bad place to be. The only thing you can do? The best you can do for you and your girl.


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