# Am I overreacting?



## Aya72 (Sep 11, 2015)

HI everyone,I'm new here at posting but I read all the time. I just have a short question.

My husband had a 2 year affair and I found out about it nearly 5 years ago. It was a horrible time and he ended up leaving me but after 6 months we got back together and are still together now.

The OW's children go to the same school as our kids. When we pick our kids up, there is a pickup zone which we drive into and the kids get in the car and we leave. I don't see her face but I know her car.

Today I was running late so I asked my husband to pick our daughter up. I didn't think he would see her and he doesn't know her car. However, she recognised his car and she waved at him and he waved back. So I am not happy after everything that happened she still thinks she can wave at him.

My husband did not even tell me, my daughter told me. Then he told me she waved at him last year and he waved back.

I am just so angry. When I told both of them no contact, I meant no contact forever. What do you think?


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I think you are right. No contact means no contact. If she waves at him, he does not respond. She does not exist for him.

So, no. I don't think you are overreacting.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

I'm assuming your daughter knows about the affair?

Does her husband know?

I don't think you're overreacting.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Overreacting would be to walk up to her car in line at school and in your loudest, clearest, voice say "When you fvck a married man and the affair ends, you don't get to wave like noting happened, wh0re! Hell, do you even know who your kids dad is?" And then walk away.

Imo, anything less is not overreacting.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

I don't think that your husband's affair is over. Two years of an affair doesn't dissipate that fast. Does her husband know of their affair. You need to let the Other Woman's Husband know of this affair and the acknowlegement waving activities. 

Do not let your husband know that you are about to contact her husband nor after. It's time for you to snoop around. This affair is not over. I believe that this affair went underground.

Sorry that you are here.


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## stephscarlett (Sep 2, 2015)

Sorry to say that would be a dealbreaker for me. A wave is a friendly greeting and acting friendly towards the person who was an accomplice in breaking my heart would be it for me. I'm sorry.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Wait wait wait....let's break this down....he went at your request to pick up your daughter, he went there with no knowledge intent to see the woman the fact that she saw him first and just wave does not mean that he did something wrong....I don't the rest of you but for some of us a wave is automatic response to some else waving first. 
Did he stop and talk to her? Did he wave her over? Did he wave then blow a kiss? Come people lets not stone the person for a freaking wave. 
Look I get what he did is wrong and him leaving was the right thing, why you didn't divorce is your business ...but both of you got back together....either let him go for good or keep him but don't get so uptight on a stupid wave.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Xenote said:


> Wait wait wait....let's break this down....he went at your request to pick up your daughter, he went there with no knowledge intent to see the woman the fact that she saw him first and just wave does not mean that he did something wrong....I don't the rest of you but for some of us a wave is automatic response to some else waving first.
> Did he stop and talk to her? Did he wave her over? Did he wave then blow a kiss? Come people lets not stone the person for a freaking wave.
> Look I get what he did is wrong and him leaving was the right thing, why you didn't divorce is your business ...but both of you got back together....either let him go for good or keep him but don't get so uptight on a stupid wave.





> My husband did not even tell me, my daughter told me. Then he told me she waved at him last year and he waved back.


Yes...H knew the possibility that OW could be there. If anyone here does not think H is thinking about OW from time to time think again.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

How did you find this out? Seems like an odd thing a child would tell their mother. Daddy waved back to someone.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

MJJEAN said:


> Overreacting would be to walk up to her car in line at school and in your loudest, clearest, voice say "When you fvck a married man and the affair ends, you don't get to wave like noting happened, wh0re! Hell, do you even know who your kids dad is?" And then walk away.
> 
> Imo, anything less is not overreacting.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Even that doesn't seem so wrong to me... >


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## stephscarlett (Sep 2, 2015)

Xenote said:


> .I don't the rest of you but for some of us a wave is automatic response to some else waving first.
> .


It's called transfer of vigilance. He KNOWS she could be there so he makes it his mission to maintain NC with AP to respect his wife. Also, with any contact means a discussion with the BS. That didn't happen.


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## bkyln309 (Feb 1, 2015)

Yes, you are OVERREACTING!!


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

I don't see a problem with him waving back. If someone waves to me, I automatically wave back. Just a reaction.

If he was the one that initiated the wave, then I would have an issue. It is a way to start communication/interaction. You should be pissed at her for waving, because it shows her interest in your husband. 

I agree with the others. If her husband doesn't know about the affair, you need to let him know. You had reason to let him know when the affair came to light. Her wave is another reason. And don't tell your husband that you are doing this.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Roselyn said:


> I don't think that your husband's affair is over. Two years of an affair doesn't dissipate that fast. Does her husband know of their affair. You need to let the Other Woman's Husband know of this affair and the acknowlegement waving activities.
> 
> Do not let your husband know that you are about to contact her husband nor after. It's time for you to snoop around. This affair is not over. I believe that this affair went underground.
> 
> Sorry that you are here.


I would snoop too, just to be sure. (For the rest of her life OP should snoop.) But I would not necessarily take the wave to mean the affair is on. It is a knee jerk reaction to wave back to someone who waves to you.

It's still unacceptable in this case. 1) No contact means no contact, not "make eye contact and wave" so why is this woman waving at him in the first place? 

and 

2) He may feel uncomfortable ignoring someone who waved at him, but he made his bed - if he was indifferent enough to his wife's feelings that he screwed another woman, surely he can muster the courage to bypass the dictates of polite society and skip the custom of a wave.

Also - why did he make eye contact with her? When I see someone I don't want to talk to out in public, I just pretend not to notice them - waving or otherwise.

TO the OP:
Odds are he was not thinking and the wave was a reflex. But no, you are not over-reacting. A lot of people move to a whole other town after an affair to avoid these very triggers.


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## stephscarlett (Sep 2, 2015)

this ^^^


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

stephscarlett said:


> It's called transfer of vigilance. He KNOWS she could be there so he makes it his mission to maintain NC with AP to respect his wife. Also, with any contact means a discussion with the BS. That didn't happen.


First of all he was sent to pick her up he did not volunteer, second of all, while he knew she might be there, he did not know her car, he probably just waved as a sudden reaction to her wave, then realized a second in mid movement that it was her, whose to say it couldn't just be a neighbor, neither you nor i were there so who is really to say what actually too place and i am just placing a theory that could be plausible, you on the other hand are throwing the baby out with the bath water. 

thirdly he probably realized it afterwards that it was her and choose to shut up instead of getting in trouble with the wife for waving.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

Roselyn said:


> I don't think that your husband's affair is over. Two years of an affair doesn't dissipate that fast. Does her husband know of their affair. You need to let the Other Woman's Husband know of this affair and the acknowlegement waving activities.
> 
> Do not let your husband know that you are about to contact her husband nor after. It's time for you to snoop around. This affair is not over. I believe that this affair went underground.
> 
> Sorry that you are here.


I've gotta ask, what would make you think that a wave in response to another wave (even from an ex AP) is strong enough evidence of an ongoing affair to warrant a response like this??? For starters, if the other woman was married (I'm not sure if OP said she was) and is still married to the same man, I'm guessing he already knows all about it. If she is still married, then I DEFINITELY don't think a wave constitutes enough evidence to tell her husband that his wife is having an affair. That would be a gross overreaction!



Yeswecan said:


> Yes...H knew the possibility that OW could be there. If anyone here does not think H is thinking about OW from time to time think again.


Sure, he knew there was and always is a possibility that she could happen to be there at the same time, so does the OP, but she asked him to stop by and pick the child up anyway, just as he has probably done many times in the past, despite the potential presence of the OW. Does she possibly come to mind from time to time as well? Probably! Heck I've been married for 12 years, and I can't say that thoughts/memories of past ex-girlfriends haven't popped back into mind from time to time. There is nothing wrong or unnatural or immoral about that, as long as I'm not acting on them.


Honestly, I have to agree with Xenote. What happened here is just way too innocent to be overly suspicious over. If the affair had only just ended a month or so ago, if this incident was combined with a number of other random run-in's with her elsewhere, if he had walked up to her and initiated conversation with her (or vice versa), etc. then MAYBE I could understand the scrutiny. Heck, maybe even if he was the one to wave at her first... But a simple wave for most people in response to someone else waving is usually an automatic gesture, and a hollow one at that. If anyone on the street waves to me, I know I'll wave right back and I'll do it completely without thinking about who it is.

So no way, no way do I see this as anything to get worked up over. I don't think it would be out of line for you to bring it up if you wanted to however, just to let him know that hearing about the wave triggered the many bad memories of that time five years earlier. I'm guessing he'll be very understanding of that, and voluntarily suggest that maybe he shouldn't have even waved back, and apologize for him having unintentionally triggered you.

That's about it though, unless there is any other evidence. It's wise to keep an eye/ear open for red flags when your spouse is an ex-cheater, but eventually you have to find a way to trust again, and this just doesn't seem worth burning that bridge.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

cdbaker said:


> I've gotta ask, what would make you think that a wave in response to another wave (even from an ex AP) is strong enough evidence of an ongoing affair to warrant a response like this??? For starters, if the other woman was married (I'm not sure if OP said she was) and is still married to the same man, I'm guessing he already knows all about it. If she is still married, then I DEFINITELY don't think a wave constitutes enough evidence to tell her husband that his wife is having an affair. That would be a gross overreaction!


What makes you think that their affair did not go underground? You do not know! In addition, your guessing that the OW knows all about it. You assume.

He waved to her twice; one last year and this recent one. He did not tell his wife. Her daughter told his wife. This is telling that he is not telling her everything about this woman.


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## stephscarlett (Sep 2, 2015)

Xenote said:


> First of all he was sent to pick her up he did not volunteer, second of all, while he knew she might be there, he did not know her car, he probably just waved as a sudden reaction to her wave, then realized a second in mid movement that it was her, whose to say it couldn't just be a neighbor, neither you nor i were there so who is really to say what actually too place and i am just placing a theory that could be plausible, you on the other hand are throwing the baby out with the bath water.
> 
> thirdly he probably realized it afterwards that it was her and choose to shut up instead of getting in trouble with the wife for waving.


if this was the second wave then he recognized her car. and getting in trouble with the wife? Really? after an affair he should keep contact with the AP a secret? How is that good advice?


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

Roselyn said:


> What makes you think that their affair did not go underground? You do not know! In addition, your guessing that the OW knows all about it. You assume.
> 
> He waved to her twice; one last year and this recent one. He did not tell his wife. Her daughter told his wife. This is telling that he is not telling her everything about this woman.


...I'm not saying that I think their affair didn't go underground. I just can't understand the complete presumption that it must have gone underground by virtue of a returned wave or two, over the course of five years with no other evidence of any kind that she felt worth mentioning.

To believe this is rock solid proof of an underground affair, to the point of deciding to go tell her husband about an underground affair... I just can't imagine a bigger overreaction to something so trivial.

Just my opinion. I'm sorry if you've been severely hurt/betrayed before.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

cdbaker said:


> ...I'm not saying that I think their affair didn't go underground. I just can't understand the complete presumption that it must have gone underground by virtue of a returned wave or two, over the course of five years with no other evidence of any kind that she felt worth mentioning.
> 
> To believe this is rock solid proof of an underground affair, to the point of deciding to go tell her husband about an underground affair... I just can't imagine a bigger overreaction to something so trivial.
> 
> Just my opinion. I'm sorry if you've been severely hurt/betrayed before.


Severely hurt or betrayed before? Are you referring to me? You don't know me.
A cheater must be scrutinized.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Xenote said:


> First of all he was sent to pick her up he did not volunteer, second of all, while he knew she might be there, he did not know her car, he probably just waved as a sudden reaction to her wave, then realized a second in mid movement that it was her, whose to say it couldn't just be a neighbor, neither you nor i were there so who is really to say what actually too place and i am just placing a theory that could be plausible, you on the other hand are throwing the baby out with the bath water.
> 
> thirdly he probably realized it afterwards that it was her and choose to shut up instead of getting in trouble with the wife for waving.


this diatribe is going no where, your mind is made up, any rational explanation is senseless at this point...the only stupid thing this guy did was not cough up the truth from the get go, but let's burn him at the stake.


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## oneMOreguy (Aug 22, 2012)

If the affair has been over for 5 years.....and there has been no other sign of any kind of inappropriate contact or communication, then it seems that a couple of waves over the past couple of years are more of an opportunity to remind your husband of how hurtful his actions were, and that you require him to act as though she does not exist, even in this context. If this is really a boundary, make sure he knows. But don't drive yourself nuts about whether future contact might include looking at each other or smiling, or nodding heads, or whatever. If you guys all live in about the same area, paths will cross no matter what.


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## Aya72 (Sep 11, 2015)

SecondTime'Round said:


> I'm assuming your daughter knows about the affair?
> 
> Does her husband know?
> 
> I don't think you're overreacting.


My daughter knows all about the affair.

Her husband knows about the affair. He was the one that let me know about it originally. They divorced over the affair. She left her husband to pursue mine and moved into a unit around the corner from where my husband lived. My husband said he never went there but her husband told me my husband was there all the time. I didn't know who to believe. When my husband moved back home, she moved in with her parents.


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## Aya72 (Sep 11, 2015)

My husband has picked up my daughter only about 5 times from school in the last 5 years. Every time he has picked her up I have asked him "did you see OW?" He said no. Because he said no, I continued to occasionally ask him to pick her up. It was only yesterday when my daughter told me she waved and he waved back, that he admitted that he had seen her once before. 

So Do I ring her and tell her to never to wave again or does this show her I am still threatened by her? I could send her a Facebook message or text. Should I contact her ex husband?


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Aya,

Your H has not done what is needed to make you feel safe in your marriage.

No contact with the OW is for LIFE, when we have affairs we become addicted to the other person, it's not that much different than an alcoholic. Alcoholics know they can't go back to a bar every again waywards not so much.

The emotions created by an affair are just too powerful and long lasting, that feeling of unconditional love we get from an affair is one of the strongest drugs ever created.

Your family or the OWs family may have to move, every time you or H sees this woman will bring the affair back to life. I can't imagine your being close enough for the affair to easily reignite for 5 YEARS!!!

Your H is still lying to you, bring him to get a polygraph. It's not acceptable that he is maintaining secrets with OW you are not privy to.

Was the OW ever exposed widely?

And to answer a question you implied, the OW will always be a threat to your marriage, your family and your children. 

Tamat


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

At this point, I think that it's reasonable to assume that his wave-back was an auto-response. So there is no reason to hang him from the highest tree.

However, it's reasonable for you to ask him to do two things: Never acknowledge her in any way in the future. If she waves, he ignores her. If she walks up to him, he walks away.

The other thing is that he tells you any time that he has any sort of interaction with her at all... that even means is she waves at him and he ignores her.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Aya72 said:


> My husband has picked up my daughter only about 5 times from school in the last 5 years. Every time he has picked her up I have asked him "did you see OW?" *He said no. Because he said no, I continued to occasionally ask him to pick her up.* It was only yesterday when my daughter told me she waved and he waved back, that he admitted that he had seen her once before.
> 
> So Do I ring her and tell her to never to wave again or does this show her I am still threatened by her? I could send her a Facebook message or text. Should I contact her ex husband?


There is something wrong in that underlined sentence.

The assumption that you have to monitor his behavior ... and that picking up your daughter is your job. Your husband should be able to pick up HIS daughter every day and not wave at the exOW. There is no reason for him to acknowledge that she's alive.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

Context of this is what would determine if this was an overreaction or not. Was it auto response? Did he admit to seeing her and just waving to be nice? 

The part that I find troubling would be that he didn't mention it to you, like at all. Someone who is trying to earn the trust of their spouse back doesn't keep that sort of information quiet, especially if a kid is with them when it happens. Of course the kid is going to say something if they are aware of the situation! So, why did he lie about it (or omit it all together)?


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## stephscarlett (Sep 2, 2015)

I stand by my original assumption. He has lied and is still lying to you. This would be a dealbreaker for me. Ppl- she ASKED him to tell her. He did not. Done


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Aya72 said:


> My daughter knows all about the affair.
> Her husband knows about the affair. He was the one that let me know about it originally. They divorced over the affair. She left her husband to pursue mine and moved into a unit around the corner from where my husband lived. My husband said he never went there but her husband told me my husband was there all the time. I didn't know who to believe. When my husband moved back home, she moved in with her parents.


Her husband let you know about this affair. If he had not told you, your husband would have continued to see this woman. She pursued your husband and your husband left you for a while. They moved near each other, yet your husband denied being at her place all the time. I would believe the OW's husband as yours is a cheater and a liar. Notice how she moved in with her parents when your husband decided to return to you.

Be vigilant. This woman is now single. Make it clear to your husband that he tells you when in contact with this woman. She is in the neighborhood and your husband still acknowledges her. This is a trigger for you as the waving incidents.


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## Aya72 (Sep 11, 2015)

My husband said it was a knee jerk reaction. He would wave to anyone that waved at him first. He said he did not want to upset me by telling me about it and says my daughter has caused this situation by telling me. I told my daughter she did the right thing. 

When she waved at my husband last year, my son was there and he did not tell me, which I will be talking to him about.

My other concern is my husband refused to change his phone number, so she can contact him at any time. This has always troubled me. His excuse was it was a work phone and it would be too hard to let everyone know his new number.

If I ring her would I look like I was threatened by her? I mean I would say do not wave at my husband. She would probably say I can do what I want.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Aya72 said:


> He said he did not want to upset me by telling me about it and says my daughter has caused this situation by telling me.


 To blame your daughter is the reprehensible actions of self entitled person. He is still a cheater at heart that thinks that it is OK to lie under the excuse that they "did not want to upset" you. Studies show that betrayed spouses get over the sex of an affair far faster than they get over the lying associated with the affair. Your husband still does not get that.



Aya72 said:


> My other concern is my husband refused to change his phone number, so she can contact him at any time. This has always troubled me. His excuse was it was a work phone and it would be too hard to let everyone know his new number.


 He cheated on you. He had no right to refuse. This shows that he is not remorseful and does not feel the need to fully help you heal.

He lied to you when you asked if he saw her, feels no remorse for the lie, and thinks that your daughter should cover for his lie. It is his attitude more than the wave that is the real issue. If some say that you are overreacting to the wave (not me), I say that you are underreacting to the lying. He has the making of a repeat offender.


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## Aya72 (Sep 11, 2015)

One of the things that make me angry is that she has no shame. She still shows up to everything at the school. If I was her I would not show my face anywhere near where I pick my kids up. There are numerous areas for pickup.

My son was in year 12 last year and so was her daughter. So throughout the year there were a lot of functions. i did not allow my husband to go because of the affair but she showed her face. So I had to see her. Now my daughter and her son are the same age so I have to see her again for 2 more years.

She has also turned up at my work. I work in a government department and she would come in at least once per month. I had to be moved because of her. I contacted her to tell her to stay out of my work and I told my boss. My boss said I could not tell OW where not to go so I asked to be moved.

It's like she is rubbing my face in it that she had a affair with my husband and I don't know how to react. It has been such a long time ago but I still feel like ringing her and telling her to back off.

After the affair happened I confronted her face to face and told her my husband regretted the affair and wished it has never happened. She burst into tears and walked off. Should I confront again?


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Aya,

Why is it you haven't moved?

Did you expose the OW to her facebook, linkedin , family, school and church contacts?

How do you endure this torture???

Tamat


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Aya72 said:


> Today I was running late so I asked my husband to pick our daughter up. I didn't think he would see her and he doesn't know her car. However, she recognised his car and she waved at him and he waved back. So I am not happy after everything that happened she still thinks she can wave at him.
> 
> My husband did not even tell me, my daughter told me. Then he told me she waved at him last year and he waved back.
> 
> I am just so angry. When I told both of them no contact, I meant no contact forever. What do you think?


No, being angry and feeling this way is not overreacting. 

Still, you sent him there KNOWING there was a potential for some form of contact. You start enacting punishments, picking fights and start hurling unfounded accusations I'll say yes.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

Aya72 said:


> My husband said it was a knee jerk reaction. He would wave to anyone that waved at him first. He said he did not want to upset me by telling me about it and says *my daughter has caused this situation by telling me. * I told my daughter she did the right thing.
> 
> When she waved at my husband last year, my son was there and he did not tell me, which I will be talking to him about.
> 
> ...


FIRST of all....I would have put my hand up and walked away if my H attempted to BLAME my kid for something he did wrong or something he failed to do. Telling you this was HIS responsibility. Your daughter is not wrong and it's disgusting that he would even mouth those words. 

SECOND, he refused??? He refused....huh. Yeah, no. He doesn't get to dictate how that works. It would be hard to give everyone a new number, but it's not impossible. He obviously didn't care that much. 

Personally, I wouldn't call her. I would take this up with your H at this point. Your H knows what he should be doing or not doing. You already know this woman is a snake. Telling her to stay away from your H won't make her do it. This is your H at this point.


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## stephscarlett (Sep 2, 2015)

OP- your anger at the AP may be misplaced. It's your husbands actions that are very very concerning. Why blame the AP and the kids for not telling you???!! Why wont he change his number? This is all on him,


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## Aya72 (Sep 11, 2015)

TAMAT said:


> Aya,
> 
> Why is it you haven't moved?
> 
> ...



We haven't moved because I love my house and why should I, I did nothing wrong.
I also did not want to move my kids from the school. But it does make me angry. My husband was having the affair before my kids went to this school. Her oldest son was already going there. My husband knew this and let our kids go to the same school as hers. They probably talked about how cool that all the kids were at the same school. She has 3 kids and I have 2 with my husband. The kids are all Facebook friends. I am just glad my son didn't hook up with her daughter.

When the affair was found out OW left her husband and her 3 kids. Nice mother.

I exposed the affair to everyone I know but not to the OW friends and family. I assumed her husband did that.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Aya,

Sorry this all fell on you, 

The reason I suggested you move is for your sanity, it really sounds like everywhere you look you are seeing triggers about the affair. 

The other option is to drive off the OW through massive public shaming, which is really nothing but exposing the truth about what the OW did. 

Your kids should not be facebook friends with the OWs kids and yes the kids did nothing wrong but you have to eliminate all avenues of contact. Do the OW children know what happened. 

How far away does the OW live?

Tamat


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## Aya72 (Sep 11, 2015)

TAMAT said:


> Aya,
> 
> Sorry this all fell on you,
> 
> ...


The OW kids do know about the affair and their parents divorced over it.
I know my kids should not be Facebook friends with her kids but my son did not want to unfriend her daughter. He said he still wanted to be friends with OW's daughter.
I don't know where OW is living now. She was living in the same suburb as us but now I don't know. Ow is 50 and apparently living with her parents. I am 43


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

OP, how old is your husband and how old is your son who is FB friends with the OW's daughter? Does this son know of his father's affair with this girl's mother? This would be very awkward if your son will end up dating this daughter in the future. Seems like this son of yours is attracted to the OW's daughter.

I hope that your husband knows how much of a mess that he had made of your lives.


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## Aya72 (Sep 11, 2015)

Roselyn said:


> OP, how old is your husband and how old is your son who is FB friends with the OW's daughter? Does this son know of his father's affair with this girl's mother? This would be very awkward if your son will end up dating this daughter in the future. Seems like this son of yours is attracted to the OW's daughter.
> 
> I hope that your husband knows how much of a mess that he had made of your lives.


My husband is 45. My son and her daughter are 19. Luckily my son has a girlfriend or else I would be freaking out.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Aya72, the main problem here is even if you get rid of your husband, you can't seem to get rid of her, i am not suggesting she is stalking your family but i am suggesting she is waiting in the wings for him, waiting for the marriage to fail so she can have a chance with him, like some twisted game of chess, she made her moves and now waiting for you to make yours. I get you don't want to play her games but as long as your kids go to that school and that you live where you do, she will continue to play until she gives up and moves on....or you do. But don't think for one sec that divorcing him will make her go away i fear just the opposite. let's face it she is like a festering wound, as is the remnants of the affair, that just wont heal. and your husband is a pawn but stupid one, she is the one who is cunning.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

There is a disconnect going on right now. What did you do, to help rectify and work on the problems that appeared after the separation and return:
Books
Church
Retreats 
Counseling for both
Marriage counseling
....what?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Xenote said:


> Wait wait wait....let's break this down....he went at your request to pick up your daughter, he went there with no knowledge intent to see the woman the fact that she saw him first and just wave does not mean that he did something wrong....I don't the rest of you but for some of us a wave is automatic response to some else waving first.
> Did he stop and talk to her? Did he wave her over? Did he wave then blow a kiss? Come people lets not stone the person for a freaking wave.
> Look I get what he did is wrong and him leaving was the right thing, why you didn't divorce is your business ...but both of you got back together....either let him go for good or keep him but don't get so uptight on a stupid wave.


What's missing from your scenario is that when he got home, HE DIDN'T TELL HIS WIFE. Recovery means 100% honesty. And don't tell me he doesn't know it would upset her. He chose not to tell either to avoid his wife's wrath or because there's more going on. Neither is a noble choice.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

From the information contained in this thread from OP it is obvious that her WH is not remorseful.

If I were her I would leave him after cracking him in the walnuts a couple times for good measure.

He seriously has no wiggle room but is showing a careless and irresponsible attitude.

He's trying to put this on his own daughter?

He hasn't changed his number?

Complete bvllshyt!

OP should be more than angry. She should kick this loser to the curb.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

He owes you whatever is reasonable to make you comfortable. Period. 

he'd change that damn cell number yesterday!

Also, I'd make it clear anything and I mean anything else with this homewrecker would be a deal breaker. Make an appontment with a good divorce laywer and see what you would be entitled to. Then set him down and say the past is forgiven if you haven't already and lay out what happens if he ever goes down the cheater road again. No talk no reconcilliation just file. Layout his alimony/child support, asset split, etc. And then expect him to be the partner in this marriage he should be.

If he doesn't get that then you have no future with him anyway. Hes the cheater the burden is on him. And you be the best wife you can.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Aya, in case you haven't figured it out, when a person cheats, it's the job of the betrayed spouse to DECIDE if they are willing to give the cheater a second chance. With that decision comes RULES. Like, I will only give you a second chance if you change your phone number. Don't want to change your phone number? Fine. I'll go see the lawyer tomorrow.

Do you see the difference in that from what you did? Most likely, you begged him to choose you, he said well, ok, but you'd better do a LOT to earn me back.

You GAVE him all the power. When it should have been the other way around.


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## where_are_we (May 24, 2013)

It seems the "wave" was an over reaction, but you under reacted before. As others have said...about setting boundaries, changing the number etc. You cannot control the OW only yourself. And that means setting boundaries for your husband to protect you. If he is not willing to do that, then you have some decisions to make.


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## where_are_we (May 24, 2013)

It seems the "wave" was an over reaction, but you under reacted before. As others have said...about setting boundaries, changing the number etc. You cannot control the OW only yourself. And that means setting boundaries for your husband to protect you. If he is not willing to do that, then you have some decisions to make.


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## Aya72 (Sep 11, 2015)

turnera said:


> Aya, in case you haven't figured it out, when a person cheats, it's the job of the betrayed spouse to DECIDE if they are willing to give the cheater a second chance. With that decision comes RULES. Like, I will only give you a second chance if you change your phone number. Don't want to change your phone number? Fine. I'll go see the lawyer tomorrow.
> 
> Do you see the difference in that from what you did? Most likely, you begged him to choose you, he said well, ok, but you'd better do a LOT to earn me back.
> 
> You GAVE him all the power. When it should have been the other way around.


Yes Turnera you are right. After I found out about the affair, he said he was leaving. I found out on 29/11/2010 and told him to leave. He said he was leaving but would stay until Christmas was over. On 1/1/2011 OW's husband came to my door and told me they were still seeing each other, so I confronted him again and he admitted it. So I shoved his clothes in garbage bags and told him to get out. He went to his mums and called her to come over on that same day. Apparently to break up with her. After he left I did beg him to come back but he said no until finally I said I never want to see you again. Then he wanted to come back and I said yes. It is only now I am starting to get fed up with him and I'm regretting how everything happened.

I do think she is waiting for our marriage to break down. But I'm not sure he would see her again, he would probably move onto the next woman

All this thinking is from me finding out he waved back at her.


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## SturdyTechie (Dec 14, 2014)

Hi Aya. I think your anger is well placed. The transgression was one where he failed to control himself, and so any lack of self control should be corrected. However, I think you should do just that: correct the behavior. Make it clear it's not O-K, demand an apology, and give him the opportunity to rectify the situation. This is how trust is built really. People say they'll do something and then they do it.

So yeah, your emotions are your own, you shouldn't need permission from anybody to have them. I do think you'll do well to channel them into assertive communication.

Good luck!


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

See... Maybe the affair didn't end the way you wanted to, maybe you have some regrets about how you handled it, but I still don't think a returned hand wave constitutes anything to get overly worked up for. That's not really "evidence" of anything, or it's evidence of way too many things for you to be this concerned.

With that said, I totally understand how it would trigger you. As the betrayed spouse, you'll be easy to trigger whenever ANY bit of info involving both the OW and your husband comes up, so I understand why this puts you on a roller coaster panic train. I just think that unless there is other more concrete evidence that something could be going on, that this just isn't enough to blow this whole thing up again. That's what you're risking here, that there is probably nothing going on, but by contacting the OW or having conversations with your kids and husband about it, you're more likely to just rub it in your face how you don't trust your husband, how the last five years of effort you've both put into restoring the marriage has accomplished nothing, reinforce in your husband that you'll probably never ever be able to trust him again if a simple hand wave knocked him back to square one, etc. I think you could easily irrevocably damage your marriage by blowing this thing up now, and I just don't see enough justification for it. Of course, that's up to you.


Secondly, I know you hate to hear this, but the OW is entitled to go and do wherever and whatever she wants. She's under no obligation to move or take her kids out of their school. She should be fully able to attend all school functions and pick up her kids like anyone else. I know you blame her, but your husband is just as much to blame, yet he hasn't removed your kids from the schools or avoiding picking them up at certain places because of a mistake five years ago either. Every action you've questioned about the OW could just as easily apply to your husband, in fairness. The main difference with her now is that she is divorced/single, so she has no reason to not wave at your husband or anyone else for that matter because she doesn't owe it to her ex-husband to refrain. Unfortunately I can relate as well, as my wife had an affair with another married dad of several kids at my daughter's school. In fact my daughter was friends with their daughter, thats how they met. As it wasn't right to involve my daughter in our marital business, I couldn't keep them apart or say they couldn't play together. Plus he continued to show up at school functions and I had to avoid approaching him for a fight. (Or have our family keep an eye on him and I to ensure we didn't meet up) It's awful, I know.


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