# can physical contact/sex transcend a marriage if there is infidelity?



## thefragile (Jun 27, 2011)

so many factors have gotten us in the mess we are in, but i am wondering if sexual advances on my husband will help us get back on track even if there is some infidelity on his part. part of my prob is that i was hesitant to initiate. i have stated my willingness to initiate, but he said that he doesn't really want to have contact. would it turn him off if i just happened to jump his bones one night instead of being subtle? show assertion? show passion?


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

Hey, I'm a guy so I'll try to answer for you. But my situation was a little different. My wife cheated....not me.

Just after D-Day we went through the hysterical bonding pretty heavy. THis was basically lots and lots of sex like we had not done before.

Yes, my mind was all kinds of screwed up, but I did enjoy it and the initiation on her part did help me feel much better. I remember that those times were some of the few times I was able to actually not think about her affair. It kind of took me to another place.

Now, this does not last forever. Eventually I hit other phases that made intimate contact a little more difficult.

I would say, yes, initiate and enjoy some sex. I do not see where that could be a bad thing at all. But also be prepared to strengthen your relationship on all levels.....not just sex. Make sure you are both talking and listning. Do as many things togeather as you can.


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

Oh, and I cannot ever think of a reason I would turn my wife down if she jumped my bones. Just dont be weird about it. It may be the emotional side of the sex that is bothering him. Yes, sometimes it is not 100% about sex as a physical act for a guy.

If the emotional side of it is bothering him, than make it all physical. Tell him that you need his *** and he needs to just lay back and let you have it. lol

I promise that the emotional side will come back around...and probably won't take very long.


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## thefragile (Jun 27, 2011)

He's still at home, but does extracurricular things with friends from work and she is at some of these things. We will have decent days, but it's so hard to connect with him right now. He has a hard time looking at me and says very little, but most mornings he will kiss me when he leaves for work. We have the Mort Fertel Marriage Flex System, have kind of started it, but his hesitancy makes me not want to push it. He doesn't think that listening to it would hurt, but participating is not something he really feels comfortable with. We share the couch often with intertwined legs and we still share the bed, on the nights he comes home [he's usually out a couple nights a week]. Giving him space seems to be working [very hard for me] but just don't want the space to widen the connection anymore than it is. I kind of feel that IF he's getting sex from someone else [not 100% that he is] that I should be making some effort on my part as well.


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## RestlessInGeorgia (Dec 3, 2008)

If I understand what I'm reading, your husband is still in an affair? This can be tricky for you. If he's still in the affair, I personally wouldn't have sex with him at all for health reasons and I would get tested for STD's as soon as possible. 

I think that what you want to do is re-bond with your husband in the hopes that it will make him choose you instead of the OW. You kinda want to make him see what he would be missing if he left you for the OW. Am I on the right track here? Again, I personally wouldn't go the route you are. You may want to put the "180" into practice in your life. If you search these forums, you can see what the "180" is, so I won't go into too much detail here. Basically, it means that you take care of YOU, and show him as little affection as possible, while he is in his affair. It's tough, but more than not, it gets results. If he gets the feeling that you are moving on without him, it may jolt him back to reality because, let's be honest, affairs are 5% reality and 95% fantasy. 

If, he decides to discontinue his tryst with the OW, and you decide that you want to continue being married to him, then you should worry about re-bonding with him. Having physical intimacy with him during his affair, is like him having his cake and eating it too. 

These are all my personal opinion. In the end you have to do what feels right to you. 

Good luck.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

No physical contact for us yet either than small hugs. I had such burning desires the other night and just couldn't wait until he arrive home. I didnt care about any my previous feeling... I just wanted real sex!!! I wanted sex for me, not him. 

Sadly for me, when he arrived home, I just couldn't pull it off. 

~sammy


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I'm with you. It's never happened to me and it never will but if it did I wouldn't consider reestablishing a physical relationship, ever. No need for that.


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## thefragile (Jun 27, 2011)

i have been taking care of me... started up yoga, reading up on the practice. but i think that part of taking care of me is also standing up for what i want. and i want this marriage to work! he may be having his cake, and in the meantime i get none. if his affair is 95% fantasy, then shouldn't i be doing something to bring some reality to what he's really got? he THINKS that they are more compatible than us, but he's just not focused on the right things right now. I am trying to reestablish the connection.


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## RestlessInGeorgia (Dec 3, 2008)

thefragile said:


> i have been taking care of me... started up yoga, reading up on the practice. but i think that part of taking care of me is also standing up for what i want. and i want this marriage to work! he may be having his cake, and in the meantime i get none. if his affair is 95% fantasy, then shouldn't i be doing something to bring some reality to what he's really got? he THINKS that they are more compatible than us, but he's just not focused on the right things right now. I am trying to reestablish the connection.


It's good to hear that you are taking care of yourself. It's the best thing you can do. Again, you have to choose to do what you feel is right for you. I understand that you want the marriage to work. God knows I understand you. What you have to realize is that, even if you want this marriage to work, it won't unless he's 100% committed to making it work as well. I personally don't believe that separation is the best option for people, it gives the person leaving, a chance to continue in an affair, without worrying about their spouse. Him thinking that he and this OW are more compatible, is just part of the fantasy. If he leaves you and starts a life with the OW, the harsh reality would eventually set in. I know you don't want it to come to that. You can work as hard as you can to try to change his mind and it might actually work. Unfortunately, right now, he's in what we all call a fog. The only way the fog is going to lift is if he lets it lift and he sees what he's doing. I don't feel that sex is going to be the solution for you, because sex is only part of the marriage. If this is his major issue in the marriage, then yes, start there but, also meditate on the other aspects of your marriage that may also need work as well.


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## thefragile (Jun 27, 2011)

thanks for all the advice! hoping to get more advice from men as well...


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