# 6 mos. after A, committed to moving on.



## NightOwl (Sep 28, 2009)

Here I am after almost 6 months of couples therapy and rebuilding our relationship. And most days I want to pinch myself because after all that went down, I can't believe that I am with such a loving, supportive, and truly ideal partner.

There are two things I want to put out there - the factors that helped us successfully overcome the A early on, and the factors helping me move on from it now.

Early factors:

1. "Luckily" for me, OW had become abusive so my partner had no attachment to her by the time things ended, he dropped her cold turkey and has not made any contact with her at all since then. We/he did not have to work through lingering feelings for her which made for a "clean break."

2. We devoted a LOT of time to recovering from the A - probably 12 hours a day the first week, 8/day the next week, and then "part time" for many months including couples therapy. We are lucky to have the resources (time off from work, health insurance for therapy) to do this.

3. My partner willingly went back on his ADHD medication right after the A ended. It's too complicated to explain here, but the ADHD did play a role in how the affair developed, and so as soon as he was on meds our relationship improved.

4. Most importantly - my partner was willing to work on overhauling our whole lifestyle, and a big part of that was complete honesty and openness. He put up with months of my interrogation about the A and was patient and understanding. This was truly key - if I felt he was holding back I probably would have left.

Current factors:

1. We are once again best friends, and each others #1 recreation partner. VERY rarely do we socialize apart from each other. We have focused on activities we both enjoy to create positive memories together, and this has made us closer.

2. We talk about issues as they come up, even when it's difficult and painful, because ignoring problems drove us apart prior to the A. This means we may disagree more often and more passionately, but that we are also communicating much better and our relationship is stronger because we are committed to working through the problems.

3. Personally, I have changed my life so that there is little to no "room" for thinking about the A. That means that I keep busy with hobbies, social obligations, etc. Realizing that I was simply too busy to worry about what the OW was up to, or to ruminate on their encounters together, etc. helped me really commit to moving on. I was living with one foot in the past and another in the present; now I live with one foot in the present and the other in the future. I think of the A as being a series of events that live in a shoebox, and if I find myself lifting up the lid to peer at it, I immediately stop myself and make sure it stays in the closed box.

4. My partner and I refer to ourselves as a team, and we really do function as a unit. This includes when the OW shows up to social events we are attending. We put up a united front of ignoring her completely, not discussing her with mutual friends, etc. I try to look at it as that crazy relative you hate who shows up to all the weddings and funerals and you have to grit your teeth and bear it. The OW in our case is mentally ill and does not have the sound judgment to avoid us; instead she seeks us out as some weird self punishment and maybe in the hopes she still has a chance. We make it clear by ignoring her that she has no place in our life anymore.

If the past few months are any indication I am lucky to have a partner who is as considerate, conscientious, and devoted as mine. We now make sure to both show and tell each other how much we love each other every single day. Dealing with the A forced us to confront a lot of the other problems in our relationship - his money management style, my communication problems, etc. and I really think that overall our relationship is leaps and bounds stronger having gone through this process. Of course, I will never say I am glad it happened the way it did, but I do think that without some sort of wake up call our relationship would have deteriorated into disrepair. I feel like we've gotten a second chance, and for that I am grateful.


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## Happyquest (Apr 21, 2009)

Here is something I found and have given to others.

Happiness of Those Who Divorce vs. Those Who Remain Married Thru Unhappy Times
Two-thirds of unhappily married spouses who stayed married reported that their marriages were happy 5 years later. The most unhappy marriages reported the most dramatic turnarounds. Among those who rated their marriages as very unhappy, almost 8 out of 10 who avoided divorce were happily married 5 years later.

Conversely, on average unhappily married adults who divorced, whether staying single or remarrying, were no happier than unhappily married adults who stayed married.

Commitment to their marriages was responsible for staying in their marriages and finding happiness five years later. 

Many currently happily married spouses have had extended periods of marital unhappiness, often for serious reasons such as alcoholism, infidelity, verbal abuse, emotional neglect, depression, illness, and work reversals.

Three out of four unhappily married adults are married to someone who is happy with the marriage.

From: Does Divorce Make People Happy? Findings from a Study of Unhappy Marriages by Linda J. Waite, Don Browning, William J. Doherty, Maggie Gallagher, Ye Luo, and Scott M. Stanley, Institute for American Values.
http://www.americanvalues.org/html/r-unhappy_ii.html


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