# Wife Cheated one time, need help!



## Overdone

Ok where do I start!

We have been married for 9 years with one child. My wife has always felt insecure about herself and came from a broken family. She never knew who her dad was and lived with her grandparents because it was a better home than living with her mother. I started a business 3 years ago and work a lot. To make a long story short I love this women! I always have and still do. I always wanted her to get a degree (nobody else in her family ever graduated) so we sent her to school. Our plan was for her to get a degree just in case she ever needed to work. So she went into a 2 year program with 20 others. Over that time she made friends with her classmates and I could not be more proud of her for doing so well in class. A month before graduation she would make comments like "you let yourself go" "sometimes I think we are together just for our child" ext. This made me wonder what was going on, she is such a loving lady and not like her to say things like that. Fast-forward she went out with her class-mates the night before graduation and came home at 2:30am after we agreed 12-1am was tops. I was so angry, she was sloppy drunk too. Over the next 2-3 days things seemed fine, I noticed she was not friends with one of the guys she went to school with anymore on FB. When I asked her about that she said he made some inappropriate comments to her and he was young and immature. I found this odd, so started the questions. She broke down and told me that she slept with him one time (the night she was late and came home toasted drunk) and that over the last month he / they had been texting back and forth. She said he would always say how nice she looked ext and there was no sexting. She said she was having fun feeling wanted by someone else. She said she never planned to do anything but knew it was wrong of her to be texting back and forth. When they left the bar that night some of the other students told her she shouldn't drive. He said he would drive her home and on the way home he made a move on her. She is VERY remorseful. Cut off all contact from him before I knew anything and is doing everything to make up. I do love her and I know she loves me, but I am having a hard time with it. It has been 8weeks. We are both 34

Should I give it a try? Why did she let herself fall into this? The guy is ugly and about 120 pounds! I want to beat the crap out of him but love my daughter to much to go to jail over it.


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## workindad

Do not resort to violence as you do not need the legal trouble. It wil make your situation worse. 

Your wife started with comments to you well before the alleged ONS. Do you really think you have all of the truth already? Do not be surprised if it was more than one time. Not that it makes much of a difference to some 

Get tested for stds. Both of you. Protect your health. 

Ask her to take a polygraph. Judge her reaction. 

Seek professional competent help

Set clear marital boundaries as well. 

Only you can decide if this can be saved. Some in your position do successfully reconcile some do not. 

What does your wife want? Does she seem remorseful? Do her actions back up her words?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hicks

Make a list of all the things you would need to feel safe in your marriage that she needs to do and give it to her. Such things could include:

- Lie Detector test
- Passwords for all phones internet
- a post nuptual agreement
- STD testing
- Self exposure of the affair to her family
- Agreement to quit school
- Agreement to never contact any of school friends again
- A complete timeline of the affair written down by her
- No contact letter to the OM
- a Pregnancy test
- DNA test on your children even if you think you are sure they are yours since it shows her you have no trust in her.
- etc... your choice.

If she balks on any of your requirements divorce her.
Even if she does everything you ask, you can still decide whatever you want to do in the future..


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## JMGrey

Overdone said:


> Ok where do I start!
> 
> We have been married for 9 years with one child. My wife has always felt insecure about herself and came from a broken family. She never knew who her dad was and lived with her grandparents because it was a better home than living with her mother. I started a business 3 years ago and work a lot. To make a long story short I love this women! I always have and still do. I always wanted her to get a degree (nobody else in her family ever graduated) so we sent her to school. Our plan was for her to get a degree just in case she ever needed to work. So she went into a 2 year program with 20 others. Over that time she made friends with her classmates and I could not be more proud of her for doing so well in class. A month before graduation she would make comments like "you let yourself go" "sometimes I think we are together just for our child" ext. This made me wonder what was going on, she is such a loving lady and not like her to say things like that. Fast-forward she went out with her class-mates the night before graduation and came home at 2:30am after we agreed 12-1am was tops. I was so angry, she was sloppy drunk too. Over the next 2-3 days things seemed fine, I noticed she was not friends with one of the guys she went to school with anymore on FB. When I asked her about that she said he made some inappropriate comments to her and he was young and immature. I found this odd, so started the questions. She broke down and told me that she slept with him one time (the night she was late and came home toasted drunk) and that over the last month he / they had been texting back and forth. She said he would always say how nice she looked ext and there was no sexting. She said she was having fun feeling wanted by someone else. She said she never planned to do anything but knew it was wrong of her to be texting back and forth. When they left the bar that night some of the other students told her she shouldn't drive. He said he would drive her home and on the way home he made a move on her. She is VERY remorseful. Cut off all contact from him before I knew anything and is doing everything to make up. I do love her and I know she loves me, but I am having a hard time with it. It has been 8weeks. We are both 34
> 
> Should I give it a try? Why did she let herself fall into this? The guy is ugly and about 120 pounds! I want to beat the crap out of him but love my daughter to much to go to jail over it.


You'll have to suss out the sex multiplier before you can evaluate whether you want to bother. They way you tell it, you're talking about a drunken ONS with an EA developing thereafter. Fact is that you're almost certainly being trickle-truthed. If she was truly wracked with guilt she would have come clean about the affair on day one. That didn't happen. You can take for granted that there was more than one full-blown sexual encounter (when's the last time you cut off new sex with just go?). A good estimation for the minimum is (10 * the number admitted) ± 3, so as little as seven or as much as 13. Probably more.

My suggestion is to file immediately. Now that she has her degree you're basically on equal footing in terms of employability, so you can probably hammer out a pretty good settlement. If she does the heavy lifting during the period between then and when it's finalized you can reconsider reconciliation. But it's _imperative_ that you let her know you mean business. The balance of power has shifted in your household. If you want any chance at a tolerable outcome, whether it be reconciliation or divorce, you have to strike hard and fast. Don't make threats, don't let her know what's coming. You can't nice your wife out of her adulterous behavior.


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## Shaggy

I'd demand a polygraph from her to verify her story, and an STD test.

These school friends should also be dropped as well as exposing to them the reason why she is done.

You might also consider posting the OM on cheaterville, he's a scumbag that goes after married women.


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## Shaggy

The fact that after the ONS that she corned contact but now secretly really shows she had zero guilt or remorse for having slept with him. Instead she took the relationship underground.


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## weightlifter

If you want the current situation

Buy 2 sony ICDPX312 voice activated recorders. Best Buy sells them for like 50 bucks. DO NOT BUY THE cheapies. USE LITHIUM batteries. We have examples of 25 hour recordings using them on these sony recorders. Set bit rate to 44K or higher and sensitivity to very high or better Turn off the beep feature. Its on one of the menus.

Go to Walmart and buy heavy duty velcro.

Use the velcro to attach the var under her seat UP INSIDE. SECURE IT WELL!!!!!!

Put the second in whatever room she uses to talk in when you are not around.

Usual warning. If you hear another man get in her car STOP Listening and have a trusted friend tell you what went on. Knowing she is a cheat will kill you. Hearing her moan while Canother man is inside her will murder you to your very soul!!!!!! You are not strong enough to hear that. Dont try it. I know what I am talking about in this.

Play dumb husband for a bit. Dont drive her further underground! NO MORE CONFRONTS!! 

Ezoom from Radio shack is a nice hidden GPS for her comings and goings.

It might not really be over.


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## bryanp

Get tested for STD's.

She knew that she could screw this guy and that you would forgive her anyway so she had nothing to lose. She continued to text this guy which indicates that there was probably more than one time. If the roles were reversed would she be so forgiving and accepting as you have been? She clearly has no respect for you or your marriage and she is in damage control. If you do not respect yourself then who will because she does not.


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## doubletrouble

OD,

So sorry you are here. 

For all that she did wrong, at least she started doing the right things to correct it. Too bad she didn't come clean with you to begin with. 

You are starting down a trail that we've seen here on this site many times. Although she is remorseful, she's going to need to do a lot of "heavy lifting" in the relationship for you to heal. Assuming this isn't a deal breaker for you.... Stand by for more comments from people wiser than I.

Check the newbie links on the TAM home page. You're going to need all that information. Hold on, it's a rough ride. 

My prayers are with you.


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## Overdone

Thanks all! Just to clarify, she had the one night stand and cut off contact after that night. The way I wrote it before sounds like they talked for a month after that night. She said he started texting nice comments to her a month before hand. Before that nothing. She said she thought it was all fun and games. She claims she wound never have done it sober. I know she is very upset and mad that it happened and is doing everything to help be get passed this. I'm just feeling bad and not sure what to do. I feel like after this all happened she realized what was going on and how much she loves her family. Anymore pointers are welcome. This is the first time I have talked about it so am probably jumping around a lot . Thanks all!


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## alte Dame

People want to believe that they can do something to get 'past' it, but they can't. This is your new reality. This will always be there between you. Always.

The question is how this new reality affects your marriage.

One of the serious effects of this site is that new posters have the benefit of the learned experience and wisdom of the other posters. You ignore this at your peril.

Everyone is trying to tell you that there may well be more, that she hasn't told you the complete truth. They say this because that is the case close to 100% of the time.

So, step one in understanding how to proceed is to do the best you can to have as much truth as you can squeeze out of her. Start checking. Get the VAR and set it up. Monitor phone records, etc. In other words, have as clear a picture of what you are trying to reconcile as possible.

There's no getting past this. There's just living with it, either with or without her.


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## jnj express

It is obvious you are gonna R---so you need to read other situations, and come up with the best boundaries and consequences available---also make her sign a POST--NUP

I don't know if she is a drinker, but if she is then, the alcohol disappears from your house---she is blaming this whole thing on alcohol---but that is BS---and both of you know it

She had been texting a guy, who was "working" her, thru the texting she knew what he "wanted"---and she agrees to go into his car, WHEN SHE HAD OTHER OPTIONS FOR GETTING HOME

For a 34 yr old woman, she is pretty immature/irresponsible if this is the way she acts, when out on her own

If this was a graduation party, why were you not along----graduation parties, are for the families to celebrate the grad's success------not for a 34 yr old married woman, to go out and party with young kids

One last thing---I understand why you would wanna kick the crap out of her lover----but----your wife is the only person you have a "beef" with----she is the one who took vows, with you---she wears your ring---she lives a life with you---AND YOU BETTER BELIEVE, ALCOHOL OR NOT---SHE KNEW WHAT WAS GOING ON

No one forced her to spread her legs---and the alcohol didn't pull her pants down----you need to see this for what it actually is----you need to know that SHE WANTED THIS TO HAPPEN---otherwise, alcohol or no---SHE DOES NOT GET INTO A CAR BY HERSELF WITH THIS GUY

Whether you get over this or not--is up to you---they say that time makes it all better---no way---only thing that can make this better for you---is YOU YOURSELF

You know there is really nothing one can ever do about a cheater cheating---you are not with them every minute of every day---and it is your wife the cheater, who has to be responsible for her actions---in this case---your wife WANTED THIS TO HAPPEN AND IT DID---how you deal with it is up to you


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## Hicks

How do you decide?
Over a period of time she demonstrates a huge committment to you and her marriage. The list of items everyone is telling you to do is how she starts demonstrating things. Every day of you life will continue to be a decision to stay married or not.


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## Thor

Overdone, welcome aboard. Sorry you're here.

Do pay attention to what the others have written. 

I do hope it is exactly as she has said, only a drunken ONS. It is consistent logically with her situation, getting close to graduation and re-evaluating her life. She maybe feels a little disappointed in the boring married family life compared to the fun carefree student life she observes her classmates living. A player manipulates her while she is emotionally weak.

I do hope that is the case. Some good marriage therapy and some good individual therapy for her (and maybe you) is called for.

As others said, it is the norm to get trickle truth and for the first confessions to be vastly less than what really happened. I think you need to consider this as a possibility and take the steps mentioned. Polygraph, std tests, paternity test, full access to all her electronics.

Good luck.


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## Lovemytruck

alte Dame said:


> People want to believe that they can do something to get 'past' it, but they can't. This is your new reality. This will always be there between you. Always.
> 
> The question is how this new reality affects your marriage.
> 
> One of the serious effects of this site is that new posters have the benefit of the learned experience and wisdom of the other posters. You ignore this at your peril.........
> 
> 
> There's no getting past this. There's just living with it, either with or without her.


Op,

Being in your spot is so difficult. We always want to be positive and put the issue behind us. Please brace yourself for the next discovery. I am 100% behind what the others have recommended in obtaining more information.

The quote above also has a deeper meaning than finding out the truth.

Here is my attempt to reinforce the essence of alte Dame's idea:

There will come a time down the road when your head will clear, and the truths will become a reality for your marriage. When this time comes, your relationship with your WW will be different than you are familiar with. It has changed YOU forever. 

Ovid made a thread yesterday that applies to you.

You will be asking yourself why.

As you get lost into the depths of "why" your outlook will change due to your new perspective. 

That is when your struggle begins. It is very easy to rugsweep early on after discover. I did it. Maybe we do this to protect ourselves from having to process so much pain during the first few days/weeks.

Keep posting as things unwind. You will be ok. 

My guess is that the outcome will not be what we see you are expecting. 

Just guessing, as I read between the lines in your current posts.


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## Vanguard

Dude just leave her. Save yourself a lifetime of worry and suspicion.


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## rrrbbbttt

"She said she never would have done it if she was sober" Do you know how many times this has been stated in this forum?

She is using the drinking as an excuse.

My life long opinion, Bottom Line. Yes, she would have done it even without drinking. She knew it was going to happen and drank in order to have the out.


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## workindad

OP she says there was no sexting ask to see the complete text logs and Facebook chats with the OM. That may lend some credibility to her story. Then again it may also not. I certainly believe she should show you both. Has she been tests for stds? 

I understand the desire to R and wish you both well. I am poorly equipped to advise on successful R. 

Even if she deleted the texts with om they are likely recoverable.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt

Overdone said:


> Ok where do I start!
> 
> We have been married for 9 years with one child. My wife has always felt insecure about herself and came from a broken family. She never knew who her dad was and lived with her grandparents because it was a better home than living with her mother. I started a business 3 years ago and work a lot. To make a long story short I love this women! I always have and still do. I always wanted her to get a degree (nobody else in her family ever graduated) so we sent her to school. Our plan was for her to get a degree just in case she ever needed to work. So she went into a 2 year program with 20 others. Over that time she made friends with her classmates and I could not be more proud of her for doing so well in class. A month before graduation she would make comments like "you let yourself go" "sometimes I think we are together just for our child" ext. This made me wonder what was going on, she is such a loving lady and not like her to say things like that. Fast-forward she went out with her class-mates the night before graduation and came home at 2:30am after we agreed 12-1am was tops. I was so angry, she was sloppy drunk too. Over the next 2-3 days things seemed fine, I noticed she was not friends with one of the guys she went to school with anymore on FB. When I asked her about that she said he made some inappropriate comments to her and he was young and immature. I found this odd, so started the questions. She broke down and told me that she slept with him one time (the night she was late and came home toasted drunk) and that over the last month he / they had been texting back and forth. She said he would always say how nice she looked ext and there was no sexting. She said she was having fun feeling wanted by someone else. She said she never planned to do anything but knew it was wrong of her to be texting back and forth. When they left the bar that night some of the other students told her she shouldn't drive. He said he would drive her home and on the way home he made a move on her. She is VERY remorseful. Cut off all contact from him before I knew anything and is doing everything to make up. I do love her and I know she loves me, but I am having a hard time with it. It has been 8weeks. We are both 34
> 
> Should I give it a try? Why did she let herself fall into this? The guy is ugly and about 120 pounds! I want to beat the crap out of him but love my daughter to much to go to jail over it.


Sorry you had to find us, but glad you did.

OK. You and your wife can get through this, but it will take time and a good deal of counselling.

Other people will give you links to threads for new arrivals here.

By the way, although wanting to hurt the POSOM (OM = Other Man) is perfectly natural, you are right. It's best not to do it.


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## Overdone

I took some of the advice when I went to lunch. I started with texts and then went home. She was crying and said she told me everything. As far as the texting, she said it was improper flirting but no sexting. I told her I did not want to know the exact words but the truth. I asked her if she loved him and of course she said no. She said she got caught up living the young life with no responsibilities. She said she did not tell me for 2 days because she did not want to hurt me but by then it was eating at her and she felt like I should know what happened. I am very angry at all of this, I love her and my daughter and the life we built. I will go a about 2 days "ok" and then 3 mad as a heck. I know it's early to really know what's going to happen. She is trying and is remorseful. I do believe part of what happen was inside her not always feeling the best about herself. Still the wrong way to go. The Jackass fed her long island ice teas after about 5 beers. I told her she wanted to do it and her comment back was if she was not drunk it would have never happened. She said she was caught up in the moment of no responsibilities and the hype of graduating. Not sure what to do, I'm sick about it. I am trying to be positive the best I can. I have been going out also, she gets real worried about that. Makes me feel good because a lot of ladies are interested. But I don't want to add fuel to the fire and sleep with someone just to give her more pain. We go to lunch everyday and have started going on dates to try to start over. She went and talked to a doctor about it all (when she was loosing it) and she said we need to make time for each other. It has been working but then I go back in a hole full of anger and broken heart. Sorry I'm all over the place, I'm just writing as I think. Thanks for the comments, keep them coming!


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## Shaggy

And please consider calling out the OM who pulled thus by posting him on cheaterville, both to hold him accountable for preying on her, but also to warn others that he goes after married women.


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## bryanp

So she gets a free pass anytime she is drunk since she would never do these things sober? What is wrong with this picture?
Have you both been tested for STD's? These are the consequences of cheating. By the way did you have sex with her after she cheated?


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## Overdone

bryanp said:


> So she gets a free pass anytime she is drunk since she would never do these things sober? What is wrong with this picture?
> Have you both been tested for STD's? These are the consequences of cheating. By the way did you have sex with her after she cheated?


No free pass!
She was tested all was good. Yes we have been doing it 1-2 times a day. Normally every other day. That never stopped while all this texting was going on. I think I have increased it as a way to move on. After I found out, none until she was tested. But when I get angry every few days I can't do it. It's like I still love her 100% but hate her just as much.


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## alte Dame

Please don't make any hasty decisions. You're reacting to protect your heart, which is natural and understandable. You'll be experiencing a lot of emotions right now, many of them contradictory. Give yourself time when you need it & space when you need it. Make sure that she knows that she has to answer any and all questions.

As I mentioned, experiences like this change us forever and we never know exactly what that change will look like, just that we will be different. Allow yourself to grieve and to be angry and to be hopeful. Get some counseling if possible. Keep verifying her story so that you can feel some control.


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## tulsy

Overdone said:


> I took some of the advice when I went to lunch. I started with texts and then went home. She was crying and said she told me everything. As far as the texting, she said it was improper flirting but no sexting. I told her I did not want to know the exact words but the truth. I asked her if she loved him and of course she said no. She said she got caught up living the young life with no responsibilities. She said she did not tell me for 2 days because she did not want to hurt me but by then it was eating at her and she felt like I should know what happened. I am very angry at all of this, I love her and my daughter and the life we built. I will go a about 2 days "ok" and then 3 mad as a heck. I know it's early to really know what's going to happen. She is trying and is remorseful. I do believe part of what happen was inside her not always feeling the best about herself. Still the wrong way to go. The Jackass fed her long island ice teas after about 5 beers. I told her she wanted to do it and her comment back was if she was not drunk it would have never happened. She said she was caught up in the moment of no responsibilities and the hype of graduating. Not sure what to do, I'm sick about it. I am trying to be positive the best I can. I have been going out also, she gets real worried about that. Makes me feel good because a lot of ladies are interested. But I don't want to add fuel to the fire and sleep with someone just to give her more pain. We go to lunch everyday and have started going on dates to try to start over. She went and talked to a doctor about it all (when she was loosing it) and she said we need to make time for each other. It has been working but then I go back in a hole full of anger and broken heart. Sorry I'm all over the place, I'm just writing as I think. Thanks for the comments, keep them coming!


Blaming the other guy for getting her drunk? She chose to drink with the guy.

Remember one thing....OM didn't cheat on you, SHE did. Regardless of what she says now, this is how it happened:

_Her and OM were attracted to each other and flirted back and forth. She hid the relationship from you, and shamed you for letting yourself go. She went out with the OM to celebrate the culmination of their time together (graduation), actively drank HERSELF into that state, left with the OM and had consensual sex with him. Then lied and hid it from you for days._

From this angle it seems like just about any man could have achieved the same results with her. 

Will you be able to trust that she won't do this again in the future?
Apparently, the single lifestyle is what she finds attractive....that would be hard to compete with. 

Man, I feel for you. I would not be able to trust her ever again...you'll always be wondering what she's up to.

I guess if you plan on R, you can recognize some of the signs...ie: her putting you down, expressing her distaste for the married/parent life. Still, if that is what she's into, how do you deal with that moving forward? She actually told you that she found that single life appealing....do you guys spend any time together, by-weekly dates with kids, movie nights at least once a week, long walks/talks? 

She wanted an escape from your marriage. She wanted something new and exciting. How can you compete with that if it comes along again in the future?


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## Overdone

alte Dame said:


> Please don't make any hasty decisions. You're reacting to protect your heart, which is natural and understandable. You'll be experiencing a lot of emotions right now, many of them contradictory. Give yourself time when you need it & space when you need it. Make sure that she knows that she has to answer any and all questions.
> 
> As I mentioned, experiences like this change us forever and we never know exactly what that change will look like, just that we will be different. Allow yourself to grieve and to be angry and to be hopeful. Get some counseling if possible. Keep verifying her story so that you can feel some control.


Do I really need to keep asking the same questions over and over? I get the same answers every time. I know she is sorry. The only thing left to know is details on the deal. I really don't want to know, sometimes I do but then I get angry. At this stage is it possible to try to move on and work on gaining trust back? Or should I bring this up from time to time?


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## TCSRedhead

Overdone said:


> Do I really need to keep asking the same questions over and over? I get the same answers every time. I know she is sorry. The only thing left to know is details on the deal. I really don't want to know, sometimes I do but then I get angry. At this stage is it possible to try to move on and work on gaining trust back? Or should I bring this up from time to time?


This is early in the process. You need to talk about it until YOU feel like you don't need to talk about it.

FWIW, we are approaching two years after D Day and still talk about it. It happens a lot less and without the raging but we still discuss it.


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## Overdone

tulsy said:


> Blaming the other guy for getting her drunk? She chose to drink with the guy.
> 
> Remember one thing....OM didn't cheat on you, SHE did. Regardless of what she says now, this is how it happened:
> 
> _Her and OM were attracted to each other and flirted back and forth. She hid the relationship from you, and shamed you for letting yourself go. She went out with the OM to celebrate the culmination of their time together (graduation), actively drank HERSELF into that state, left with the OM and had consensual sex with him. Then lied and hid it from you for days._
> 
> From this angle it seems like just about any man could have achieved the same results with her.
> 
> Will you be able to trust that she won't do this again in the future?
> Apparently, the single lifestyle is what she finds attractive....that would be hard to compete with.
> 
> Man, I feel for you. I would not be able to trust her ever again...you'll always be wondering what she's up to.
> 
> I guess if you plan on R, you can recognize some of the signs...ie: her putting you down, expressing her distaste for the married/parent life. Still, if that is what she's into, how do you deal with that moving forward? She actually told you that she found that single life appealing....do you guys spend any time together, by-weekly dates with kids, movie nights at least once a week, long walks/talks?
> 
> She wanted an escape from your marriage. She wanted something new and exciting. How can you compete with that if it comes along again in the future?


Very true, but I feel like this guy got lucky because he was in her comfort zone with the whole class group. Over last 2 years we have been very busy so I am to blame on not spending enough time with her. I work a lot and am sure that has some to do with it. I also own my a business and always have ladies talking to me when we are out, (I know them from the industry) She never liked that and made a comment during all this that she thought I was cheating or had cheated in the past. But moving forward if we do, could it be a wake up call for her to realize all she had? I am not putting these kind of questions out to her but am here to see if it's worth moving forward. Thanks for the comment!


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## Healer

Overdone said:


> Very true, but I feel like this guy got lucky because he was in her comfort zone with the whole class group. Over last 2 years we have been very busy so I am to blame on not spending enough time with her. I work a lot and am sure that has some to do with it. I also own my a business and always have ladies talking to me when we are out, (I know them from the industry) She never liked that and made a comment during all this that she thought I was cheating or had cheated in the past. But moving forward if we do, could it be a wake up call for her to realize all she had? I am not putting these kind of questions out to her but am here to see if it's worth moving forward. Thanks for the comment!


No, you are not to blame.

Re: the wakeup call...I'm of the mind that she is getting off without true consequences. I don't believe a wayward spouse gets a wakeup call until (if they do at all) there are serious repercussions to their behavior - like being served divorce papers.

She knows she can get away with it, so why wouldn't she do it again?


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## TCSRedhead

You are to blame for not valuing your marriage. 

SHE is to blame for her cheating. Not the OM, not you, HER.

Until you both soak that in, this is destined to happen again.


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## Overdone

Healer said:


> No, you are not to blame.
> 
> Re: the wakeup call...I'm of the mind that she is getting off without true consequences. I don't believe a wayward spouse gets a wakeup call until (if they do at all) there are serious repercussions to their behavior - like being served divorce papers.
> 
> She knows she can get away with it, so why wouldn't she do it again?


I know I screwed that up then, I planned to get her another car so I had been looking. After I found all this out (and she did the deed in her car) I went ahead and got rid of that BS reminder and bought something else. I also during our good times bought her $1200 worth of Victoria Secret. (I would do that before)

But I did start going out and had papers for her new apartment in hand. I planned on moving her out, she was mad but then after a day broke down and said she could not live with out me. When I sleep upstairs she can't take it and always comes and gets me. I know she is spoiled. Been through a bunch of nights laying as far away as possible and no talking. She can't take it, starts crying and begging me to give her another chance. I never thought I would be talking about this.


----------



## Overdone

TCSRedhead said:


> You are to blame for not valuing your marriage.
> 
> SHE is to blame for her cheating. Not the OM, not you, HER.
> 
> Until you both soak that in, this is destined to happen again.


Very true, thanks


----------



## TCSRedhead

So the big question is what is SHE doing to fix this marriage?


----------



## Lovemytruck

Overdone said:


> Very true, but I feel like this guy got lucky because he was in her comfort zone with the whole class group. Over last 2 years we have been very busy so I am to *blame on not spending enough time with her*. I work a lot and am sure that has some to do with it. I also own my a business and always have ladies talking to me when we are out, (I know them from the industry) She never liked that and made a comment during all this that *she thought I was cheating or had cheated in the past.* But moving forward if we do, could it be a wake up call for her to realize all she had? I am not putting these kind of questions out to her but am here to see if it's worth moving forward. Thanks for the comment!


The bold things above kinda, sorta show that you are expected to have caused her cheating.

Very familiar to me. Heard it too. Funny thing is that the loyal spouse is often the reason someone just had to get in bed with someone else. (sarcasm is intended)

A couple of quick pointers to help you heal:

1. Don't blame her infidelity on yourself.
2. Cheaters often expect disloyalty from others. They do it, so they assume you are too.

Very common. It is known as "blameshifting" and "rugsweeping."

Now, if she is still involved with him, she will start telling you that you are too controlling. That reason about not spending enough time with her will change to you are suffocating her.

You will likely hear, "just get over it." That means she is not remorseful, and that you are expected to shut-up.

Hang tough. As was said you are very early into this. Give yourself time. Weeks or months. No deadline for you to sort through this mess.

I don't want to stir your pot, but it usually plays out this way.


----------



## lifeistooshort

rrrbbbttt said:


> "She said she never would have done it if she was sober" Do you know how many times this has been stated in this forum?
> 
> She is using the drinking as an excuse.
> 
> My life long opinion, Bottom Line. Yes, she would have done it even without drinking. She knew it was going to happen and drank in order to have the out.



Was going to say this but you beat me to it. People do what they want to do while drunk, they just think a little less about the consequences. They DON'T do anything they really don't want to do. Then they can use the alcohol as a convenient excuse to avoid full responsibility (but I was drunk!!!!!).
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## alte Dame

Overdone said:


> Do I really need to keep asking the same questions over and over? I get the same answers every time. I know she is sorry. The only thing left to know is details on the deal. I really don't want to know, sometimes I do but then I get angry. At this stage is it possible to try to move on and work on gaining trust back? Or should I bring this up from time to time?


As the BS, you are living with the betrayal in a way that your WW is not. If she is typical, and does not want your marriage to end, she will want nothing more than for things to go back to 'normal.' She's sorry, she's desperate and she loves you. If you commit to reconciliation and forgiveness right away, she will be relieved and grateful, no doubt. 

As the days and weeks go by, though, she will probably start to act like this never happened. She may tell you that she's already answered everything and that you need to get over it, that it does no good to think or talk about it, even if that is exactly what you need to do. If something like this happens, she will be the one who wreaked havoc with your marriage and mind and heart, and walked away relatively unscathed. This will anger you or dismay you or puzzle you, because she seems to be just fine while you are losing your mind.

This is pretty common, although your WW could be different. All I am saying is that it makes sense to give yourself some time to process what has happened before you commit to reconcile and/or forgive. If you do that, it will be more difficult to rugsweep in a damaging way.


----------



## weightlifter

Do a bit of low level snooping.

We often find things go a lot longer than you know. VAR GPS etc.

Dont accuse until you have proof. Never do a half azzed confront.

You WANT to believe this was a single ONS but there is a say 50% chance there is MUCH MUCH more. 

I know you want to ignore me, but, I as many will vouch, am often tragically correct.

I WANT to be wrong. I really do.


----------



## Lovemytruck

As you continue to work through finding out what else might be going on, make sure you take good care of yourself physically, mentally, and emotionally.

Just guessing again, but you sound a little "too nice." No offense. Many of us in the BH club have had a problem with this. The self-entitled types seem to find us, use us, and want us to forgive them of the craZieSt things.

Read up on the being a "nice guy." Read things about female attraction. Read things about the "180" or emotional detachment.

If it doesn't fit your situation, at least it will broaden your perspective.


----------



## doubletrouble

Overdone said:


> It's like I still love her 100% but hate her just as much.


You are in the ZONE, brother, sad to say. I know that feeling 100%. 

If she can pull off a true R, then this will start to change (as in terms of a ratio) to loving her more and hating her less. 

It's happening with me, is all I can say.


----------



## Overdone

Lovemytruck said:


> The bold things above kinda, sorta show that you are expected to have caused her cheating.
> 
> Very familiar to me. Heard it too. Funny thing is that the loyal spouse is often the reason someone just had to get in bed with someone else. (sarcasm is intended)
> 
> A couple of quick pointers to help you heal:
> 
> 1. Don't blame her infidelity on yourself.
> 2. Cheaters often expect disloyalty from others. They do it, so they assume you are too.
> 
> Very common. It is known as "blameshifting" and "rugsweeping."
> 
> Now, if she is still involved with him, she will start telling you that you are too controlling. That reason about not spending enough time with her will change to you are suffocating her.
> 
> You will likely hear, "just get over it." That means she is not remorseful, and that you are expected to shut-up.
> 
> Hang tough. As was said you are very early into this. Give yourself time. Weeks or months. No deadline for you to sort through this mess.
> 
> I don't want to stir your pot, but it usually plays out this way.


Only thing here that I have heard is "please just get over it and let me prove to you, you can trust me" I feel like she is really mad at herself for all of this so the more we talk about it the more she has a tad of anger behind her words.


----------



## Lovemytruck

Too nice applies to many of the betrayed women too. Just a little footnote on my post for those of the fairer sex.


----------



## Overdone

weightlifter said:


> Do a bit of low level snooping.
> 
> We often find things go a lot longer than you know. VAR GPS etc.
> 
> Dont accuse until you have proof. Never do a half azzed confront.
> 
> You WANT to believe this was a single ONS but there is a say 50% chance there is MUCH MUCH more.
> 
> I know you want to ignore me, but, I as many will vouch, am often tragically correct.
> 
> I WANT to be wrong. I really do.


I have been doing this, even though I do not like to. Thanks for the advice! 

I may come off as being the nice guy but to be honest, I have a calm feeling talking about it here. This is the first I have talked about it to anyone besides her. I feel like my anger and the way I pushed her away, and the comments I made to her don't need to be put out here in detail. The demoralizing is over for me, I'm at a point to check with the group to see the pointers. Move on or not? Thanks everyone soooo much. Keep it coming!


----------



## Lovemytruck

Overdone said:


> Only thing here that I have heard is "please just get over it and let me prove to you, you can trust me" I feel like she is really mad at herself for all of this so the more we talk about it the more she has a tad of anger behind her words.


This is the tough thing. It will be blasted here because we have all heard it too.

Time. Take some time. Quietly get more data by doing what weighlifter says. Watch her actions. The "get over it" thing is usually a very bad sign. Maybe, maybe not.

Time will reveal the things you might find, and how she acts to help you.

Your lack of trust is a way you protect yourself. A second d-day may happen. Be ready and prepare to face it. As time passes, she will continue to help you heal, or she will look for more adventure.

Most of us hate to say it, but our bets are on you finding more dirt.

Breathe and take time.


----------



## jnj express

1st---you mentioned getting even--to let her have an idea of what its like---DO NOT LOWER YOURSELF---if you want other women---then get a D---and do as you please---if you are married---show some maturity, and DO NOT LOWER YOURSELF TO HER LEVEL

She wants this to be swept aside, and to go back to her cushy lifestyle---DO NOT ALLOW THAT TO HAPPEN FOR A GOOD PERIOD OF TIME---SHE MUST KNOW ACCOUNTABILITY

She wants you to trust her---let her know, and do not be particularly nice about it---THAT YOU MAY NEVER TRUST HER AGAIN

She seems to think that her giving her body to another man, considering that she is a wife and mother, can just be put aside---and it should all go back to normal--well in her perfect world---

In your world---YOUR LIFE WILL NEVER BE THE SAME---she allowed another man to go where only you belong

This crap about being drunk---doesn't hold water---she is a F'ing 34 yr old MOTHER---a SUPPOSED ROLE MODEL-------What the he*l is she doing drinking 5 beers, and then starting L I Ice teas---I don't care who was giving them to her---she Is not brain damaged---and she sure as he*l knows what is right from wrong

Before you do anything about furthering this relationship---that is if you wanna stay---she goes to an IC---and gets things right---she needs to fix what allowed all that activity-

-- the BS, about her graduating with her fellow students---there are literally thousands, of older men and women, who graduate---and the do not go partying with the younger students---THEY WOULD HAVE GONE HOME AND CELEBRATED WITH THEIR FAMILY

In all actuality, you should have set something up for a graduation celebration---but she should have made it plain to you, that she wanted you to celebrate with her

If you take her back---it is with her knowing full well, she is on dubious ground for the rest of this mge------she gets no trust, and you will probably be a parole officer, for a period of time, if she doesn't like it---tell her she has an alternative----at this point do not be abusive---but DO NOT BE PARTICULARLY NICE TO HER IN RE: TO ANYTHING ABOUT THIS MGE---she has to know, you are not gonna be easy, nor nice about how she works her way BACK INTO THE FAMILY


----------



## bryanp

Did the OM make a commitment to you and take vows to cherish you and forsake all others? Of course not but now you know how important those vows were to her.


----------



## Lovemytruck

Overdone said:


> I have been doing this, even though I do not like to. Thanks for the advice!
> 
> I may come off as being the nice guy but to be honest, I have a calm feeling talking about it here. This is the first I have talked about it to anyone besides her. I feel like my anger and the way I pushed her away, and the comments I made to her don't need to be put out here in detail. The demoralizing is over for me, I'm at a point to check with the group to see the pointers. Move on or not? Thanks everyone soooo much. Keep it coming!


Lol! Maybe I am reading this all wrong!

Move on? That is your option. Many would say yes. It might be a good thing to send her a message by filing.

Some people do have regrets if they feel they didn't decide with all of the facts.

Did I think you were a "nice guy" about 5 minutes ago? Lol! My apologies Sir!


----------



## Overdone

TCSRedhead said:


> So the big question is what is SHE doing to fix this marriage?


Gets up early and makes me coffee and breakfast, texts me throughout the day how much she loves me. Begs to go to lunch everyday. Fixes dinner every night. Wants to hold me all night long. Makes first attempt to do all the "things" I like in bed. Tells me she loves me, squeezes me tight telling me how much she loves me. Leaves her phone out and when she gets something she tells me who it is. Begs me to look at her phone / email. She deleted her FB, asked me first and said go for it. All other twitter ext she deleted. I told her ' maybe we should change your number" she was good with it and wanted to if it made me feel better. Can't complain about this part of marriage.


----------



## tom67

Overdone said:


> Gets up early and makes me coffee and breakfast, texts me throughout the day how much she loves me. Begs to go to lunch everyday. Fixes dinner every night. Wants to hold me all night long. Makes first attempt to do all the "things" I like in bed. Tells me she loves me, squeezes me tight telling me how much she loves me. Leaves her phone out and when she gets something she tells me who it is. Begs me to look at her phone / email. She deleted her FB, asked me first and said go for it. All other twitter ext she deleted. I told her ' maybe we should change your number" she was good with it and wanted to if it made me feel better. Can't complain about this part of marriage.


I would say cautiously that is a good start so far. Sounds like she is doing the heavy lifting. She has to understand for you it will take time, good luck.


----------



## Overdone

Lovemytruck said:


> Lol! Maybe I am reading this all wrong!
> 
> Move on? That is your option. Many would say yes. It might be a good thing to send her a message by filing.
> 
> Some people do have regrets if they feel they didn't decide with all of the facts.
> 
> Did I think you were a "nice guy" about 5 minutes ago? Lol! My apologies Sir!


Hahaha, thanks. I guess the other part of me is wanting to know who made it? Did any guys make it and have a good life now?


----------



## Lovemytruck

Overdone said:


> Hahaha, thanks. I guess the other part of me is wanting to know who made it? Did any guys make it and have a good life now?


LMAO!!!

It sounds like you were deep in despair about keeping her.

R or D? I made it by chosing D. Better wife. New life. Healed wounds. Scars always remain, but I feel SO MUCH BETTER!

Read about some of the R stories. There are some that sound good.

"When you come to a fork in the road, take it." -Yogi Berra?


----------



## Tall Average Guy

Overdone said:


> Very true, but I feel like this guy got lucky because he was in her comfort zone with the whole class group. Over last 2 years we have been very busy so I am to blame on not spending enough time with her. I work a lot and am sure that has some to do with it. I also own my a business and always have ladies talking to me when we are out, (I know them from the industry) She never liked that and made a comment during all this that she thought I was cheating or had cheated in the past. But moving forward if we do, could it be a wake up call for her to realize all she had? I am not putting these kind of questions out to her but am here to see if it's worth moving forward. Thanks for the comment!


So you neglected her by supporting her in her going back to school for two years to get her degree? Oh the horror! Seems like she had more than a little on her plate, so why are you only to blame for being busy?


----------



## doubletrouble

Overdone said:


> Only thing here that I have heard is "please just get over it and let me prove to you, you can trust me" I feel like she is really mad at herself for all of this so the more we talk about it the more she has a tad of anger behind her words.


She is in a bit of fog still, and has no true idea how much hurt she's put in you. Her anger is not righteous, but she feels it should be considered. You're irritating her because you're upset that she had an affair. Wow! Sounds like the first few days of my fWW's Dday (which was actually 9 days in a row of arguing, not sleeping, smoking a zillion cigarettes and we don't smoke, that kind of thing). 

She wants you to "get over it"? You'll get over it when you get over it, not a second sooner. Meanwhile she needs to "put up with" your questions.


----------



## movin on

bryanp said:


> Did the OM make a commitment to you and take vows to cherish you and forsake all others? Of course not but now you know how important those vows were to her.


Really ? So that give the guy the right to bang any married women he wants? Sure the wife betrayed him but that doesn't give him a free pass.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Horizon

Hicks said:


> Make a list of all the things you would need to feel safe in your marriage that she needs to do and give it to her. Such things could include:
> 
> - Lie Detector test
> - Passwords for all phones internet
> - a post nuptual agreement
> - STD testing
> - Self exposure of the affair to her family
> - Agreement to quit school
> - Agreement to never contact any of school friends again
> - A complete timeline of the affair written down by her
> - No contact letter to the OM
> - a Pregnancy test
> - DNA test on your children even if you think you are sure they are yours since it shows her you have no trust in her.
> - etc... your choice.
> 
> If she balks on any of your requirements divorce her.
> Even if she does everything you ask, you can still decide whatever you want to do in the future..


The WS's actually agree to this? despite the enormous betrayal I always find these lists partly impractical and too confining. Does the humiliation of exposure to family really help? Is that a lesson designed to induce sublimation and remorse? Consequences yes but how practical is this?


----------



## jnj express

Wait a minute---all those wonderful things that your wife is now doing----

THAT IS WHAT ANY NORMAL WIFE, PARTICIPATING IN A NORMAL MGE. DOES----Yes you help with the food and house chores where necessary---but what you described IS WHAT ANY AVERAGE WIFE DOES

So your wife is not doing anything out of the norm.---as to talking to you all day long----big deal----its what she does when she is not texting you, and calling you---what is she doing with her time at that point

What else does your wife do---besides doing what any average housewife would normally do---WHAT HAS YOUR WIFE DONE TO GET BACK INTO THIS MGE.

I want to know one other thing---what is your wife doing drinking FIVE BEERS, and then on to hard liquor, in the ice teas

Is your wife an alcoholic---most women would be done with 2 beers at the most-----and of course those who she was with, were not going to take care of her---they could have cared less about her----so why was she with that crowd at all

Your wife has a long way to go---on the maturity level----what kind of things does she think about----you gotta wonder??????


----------



## CEL

Overdone said:


> Hahaha, thanks. I guess the other part of me is wanting to know who made it? Did any guys make it and have a good life now?


Lots have and are very happy. Go down to the reconciliation thread and start posting they are right where you are and have been. They could be a lot of help to you.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

Overdone said:


> She claims she wound never have done it sober.!


I am not going to say true or not, but I will say this is a very COMMON claim on this website. I am at the point where, I no longer believe any woman that makes that statement, when caught in an affair, is telling the truth.


----------



## jnj express

this all get a little fishy if you think about it

They had sex in her car---so she was driving---she knew she was gonna have to drive home---what is her lover doing driving her in her car---CUZ HE SAID HE WOULD TAKE HER HOME-------what was he gonna do, drive her home, and leave her car at her home---and walk to his home from where he left her at her home

This really sounds fishy if you think about it---5 beers and hard liquor---him in her car

This smells like it was set up before hand---so he and she could get it on-----the amount of liquor she consumed---doesn't it sound a bit much---how much alcohol does a normal woman's body handle---not what was described by the OP---and add to that, they were in her car-----doesn't add up to typical ONS, behavior


----------



## Overdone

jnj express said:


> this all get a little fishy if you think about it
> 
> They had sex in her car---so she was driving---she knew she was gonna have to drive home---what is her lover doing driving her in her car---CUZ HE SAID HE WOULD TAKE HER HOME-------what was he gonna do, drive her home, and leave her car at her home---and walk to his home from where he left her at her home
> 
> This really sounds fishy if you think about it---5 beers and hard liquor---him in her car
> 
> This smells like it was set up before hand---so he and she could get it on-----the amount of liquor she consumed---doesn't it sound a bit much---how much alcohol does a normal woman's body handle---not what was described by the OP---and add to that, they were in her car-----doesn't add up to typical ONS, behavior


He drove her car to store to buy smokes and in between that it happend. They went back to bar for his cousin to follow home. She said he made a move on her after the store and stopped in a parking lot. I know I know, messed up. She knew what she was doing. She said the lust of the whole deal took over. Life has it's way of beating you down right?


----------



## walkonmars

What do you know about the OM?

How do you know?

Don't take her word for anything she says about him. He could be married or in a committed relationship. Find out and expse him for the POS that he is.


----------



## Overdone

walkonmars said:


> What do you know about the OM?
> 
> How do you know?
> 
> Don't take her word for anything she says about him. He could be married or in a committed relationship. Find out and expse him for the POS that he is.


He is single and lives with his mom. I want to break him up but love my daughter too much to go to jail. Trust me I want to break him, he knew me and even came to a party of ours one time.


----------



## Overdone

Should I keep dweling on this or move forward as she is trying?


----------



## Rollin

Whats her reaction to a postnup? 

Is she willing to quit drinking for life? 

Her reaction to a polygraph? You could ask her if she ever cheated besides this instance and hid it better


----------



## rrrbbbttt

1. Do you REALLY believe her that she is Remorseful and is willing to continue to do the Heavy Lifting or is this only a short term change?

2. Are you able to deal with the emotional baggage you will carry for the rest of your life?

3. Can you live with a spouse that you will never fully trust again?

4. Are you prepared for the "Triggers" and the "Mind Movies" that you will have in the future?

Answer the questions above and it will let you know whether or not you are willing to move forward.


----------



## walkonmars

Move forward only when you are confident.

Are you confident? IMO it'll be a long while before someone can restore any amount of trust.

Don't commit to ANYTHING. Let her know you will struggle with this issue and that it will take time. 

She's placed a cancer on your marriage. The cancer may be in remission, but it's in your best interest to avoid rugsweeping this issue in an attempt to achieve any sort of normalcy.

There is a new normalcy now. It's characterized by pain and a level of mistrust. Don't rush into anything ATM.


----------



## CEL

Okay brother lets take it from the top so we do not get scattered. You are in the right place and are looking for steps to move forward so here you go.

What happened

1. She had and EA "emotional affair" that went PA.

2. She says she did it once but it is early so it may be more.

3. She confessed and you say she is remorseful and trying to make it better.


What are the steps to take some of these you already have done but I am going to go through them so you know you are on the right track.

1. NC "no contact" with the OM "other man"

2. Gives up all right to privacy on her phone.

3. Changes number.

4. Writes a timeline on when it started what happened to include all the details you need to know. This is for you piece of mind so that you can reference it if you have questions also it is for you if you ever want to get a polygraph some do as some have to have the truth but others are okay with not getting one. 

5. She writes an apology to you. Let her take her time with it so that it is not rushed this is again for you so that you can reference it when you need to tell her to let her ego go.

6. If you got the money go to MC this can only help try to find one that specializes on infidelity. Many are leery of counselors I only ask you to try to one.

7. Okay now I am going to give you the advice I would follow if I was in your shoes so take this as my magic bullet if you follow NOTHING else give this a try. Go to this website AFFAIRCARE | …nouthetic, Christian care after an affair. it has a tone of articles on how to move on and how to heal as well as many on how to make a BETTER marriage. Then you need to PM "private message" this person Talk About Marriage - View Profile: Affaircare this is the person who runs that site. She is awesome and can really help you also I would give her counseling a try it is like 30 dollars for 30 days. Honestly if I was in you spot this is what I would do. I would get ahold of her and sign up for her help. She has been on both sides of it wayward spouse and betrayed spouse and is wicked smart. You want to move on do this.


You have been hit hard but we are here for you. You CAN move on if you want to and you CAN have a BETTER marriage but you need to start working on this stuff while the iron is hot. NOW is the time if you wait it just gets a damn site harder.


----------



## ThePheonix

Overdone said:


> Only thing here that I have heard is "please just get over it and let me prove to you, you can trust me"


The truth of the matter, and you may as well tell her, is that you may stay married to her, and you my forgive her, but you will never be able to trust her again.
On your concern about possibly doing jail time for dealing with Mr. Take Advantage of a Drunk Woman, it has little to do with it but I'll tell you anyway. I had a job to do. It involved moving about 1,500-2,000 lbs of trash. I hired some guys to move it to the landfill. It cost me a little money but my hands were clean and the job was taken care of.


----------



## workindad

OP- I hope you find a way to properly reconcile this issue with your wife and rebuild. That seems to be what you want.

Just don't rush it. This will take time and she will need to understand that. Some of your comments do cause concern from my perspective.

She had a months long EA- that went PA and you can already sense that she has anger in her voice when you discuss it??? Sorry, but she's going to need to deal with it.

You also don't want to read the texts?? To each his own. I would because I would need to know what I'm forgiving, but I understand your position. Are you afraid of finding out that it was more than she says?

Have you asked about the polygraph? How did she respond?

You seem to want to blame OM and the booze. I can understand the need to direct your anger away from the one you love, but understand she was in an active EA with this man for some time- she lead him on- she willfully and inetentionally went drinking with him. You are also assuming that she broke things off. Maybe he dumped her.

My only point is that cheaters lie- they all do and most of your "facts" come from your cheating wife. Examine what you know carefully. Perhaps she thought she would get busted and that is why she told you. Maybe he was bragging on FB, maybe other class mates were calling her out on social media for it? 

Reconcile the right way- do not rug sweep it. That will come back to bite you in the a$$. Also, make sure you ask how many other EAs and PAs she has had.

Good luck
WD


----------



## Shaggy

It sounds like she is trying, which is great,

You both need to realize the betrayal didn't start in the car that night. It started when she began flirting and responding to his texts. That was him fishing for an opening, the drunken car ride was him closing the deal he was working out for a month or more


Seriously post this guy on cheaterville.com, and call him out to the social crowd.

As for your wife, talk her through the fact she began betraying your trust with the first text this guy sent her. Not to guilt her, but you recognize that her choice of herself before loyalty to the marriage began then, not via drinking.

I gotta wonder, the sex must have been very brief and bad considering her drinking and his. Very bad in fact.g


----------



## TOMTEFAR

Overdone said:


> A month before graduation she would make comments like "you let yourself go" "sometimes I think we are together just for our child" ext.


This is something that none of you have picked up on yet. To me I find this to be strange. It sounds like someone who is in an EA/PA and have been for a while. Yet the WW claims that they started texting at this time. This doesn't compute for me.

I Think OP should Schedule a poly to figure out if the WW is TT-ing.

On Another note, I also Think you should file for D, maby not go through with it but file. I Think that is a very strong statement to make. She needs to know how very close she is to loosing this M.

If WW has family nearby I Think kicking her out to live with them for a time, you don't tell her how long but a number of Days at least is Another good thing to do. That gives you some time for yourself to Think.

Some people do a list of pros and cons about staying in the M. It might be a good thing for you to do. Maybe keep editing it for a month or 2 and then really Think about it.


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## jnj express

So lust trumps her own child, and her relationship with you, and her mge

I understand, that you worked long hours ---but what was behind that work---IT WAS SO THE TWO OF YOU COULD HAVE A LIFE DOWN THE ROAD---mge.'s have sacrifices in them, sometimes one partner has to suck up what is going on, as long as what is happening is legit, and will help the mge, on down the road

Your wife---she thot about no one but herself---as you say she knew exactly what she was doing---and went with it every step of the way---One question you might wanna know is, if the lover had this all planned out, and your wife went with it, or it was a series of spur of the moment decisions----No matter what---he got her alone, and she didn't have enuff guts to honor her vows, when he made his move----forget the lust---what she did was to spit on you/her kid/her ring/ and her vows

Once again---IMHO, you need to be hard as nails on her---lets see how really serious she is about wanting this mge/family---short of abuse---she does what you need done---If you say jump she says how high---if you wanna ask the same question a thousand times---she answers it a thousand times,---and she better be da*n happy to do so---just as happy as she was to spread her legs for her lover

At this point no mr nice--guy/lovey--dovey from you----she has to know serious this all is

I guess at this point the real question is---why is she staying---she can't really love you that much----BS to the lust---she knew what the fallout of her ONS would be----the destruction of adultery, is in movies/songs/pictures/the news---it is EVERYWHERE, and she da*n well knew what the aftermath was gonna be---yet she went ahead----now she is throwing out the tears, the I'm sorry----she had her fling---and wants you to make it all go away---yet keep her---you on the other hand, along with your child are in ruins

She can't be staying cuz she loves either of you---so why is she staying---cuz she can't make it on her own---and she doesn't wanna face the world as a D, adulteress with a child in tow---knowing she will have to hold down maybe more than one job just to make ends meet----facing the world on her own---doesn't look real good to her-----I am just wondering if that is the reason she is finally acting like all the other normal decent wives in mge's have acted like for years


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## dogman

What's all this jail time talk? 
How many guys out there have gotten into fights. I know I have and I've never been in jail. In fact alot of the guys I work with have been in plenty of fights and given beatings and have never been in jail...well, not for fighting anyway.

The world is only semi civilized. Some rules still stand and always will.


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## 6301

What bothers me more than anything besides the tumble in the back seat with Mister Wonderful is that before the pants came down, she's making these snide comments about how she feels you letting yourself go. I don't know if she made any other comments but the way you put it, there were other putting you down. If that's the case, I wouldn't be a happy camper being Bi--- slapped in that kind of way. Now after getting her ti-- caught in the ringer all of a sudden your the greatest thing since sliced bread and a bag of chips. Maybe you should let her explain that. I don't follow many rules but there is one that I follow and that is "THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK BECAUSE ONCE WORDS ROLL OFF YOUR TONGUE AND HIT THE OTHER PARTY IN THE EAR, IT'S A DONE DEAL" You can forgive but those words can also be a mental movie and they can come back and haunt you. Please ask her about that and listen.


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## ThePheonix

dogman said:


> How many guys out there have gotten into fights. I know I have and I've never been in jail.
> The world is only semi civilized. Some rules still stand and always will.


Something to keep in mind. If Mr. Take Advantage of Drunk Women was my client and was beaten by you, he would file for an assault warrant, spend a little time in the hospital, and would sue you for damages. (after you spent thousands defending yourself against an assault charge). I said in an above post, when trash needs to be moved, make sure your hands stay clean.


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## Michelleinmichigan

Overdone said:


> Ok where do I start!
> 
> We have been married for 9 years with one child. My wife has always felt insecure about herself and came from a broken family. She never knew who her dad was and lived with her grandparents because it was a better home than living with her mother. I started a business 3 years ago and work a lot......Should I give it a try? Why did she let herself fall into this? The guy is ugly and about 120 pounds! I want to beat the crap out of him but love my daughter to much to go to jail over it.


He didn't just make a move on her, and it didn't just accidentally happen. She started cheating when she started criticizing you, and those criticisms have probably happened in the past, and you just "let it go". What she tells you is a sanitized version of this story. It is likely that guy slept with her and he is the one who blew her off, once he got what he wanted. 

The guy did it because he could, but most men, even kids, will think very poorly of a married woman who is willing to sleep around, even more so, if she has children. The likely scenario, he thinks she's a ****, as do others in their "graduate group", and doesn't want anything else to do with her. From what I have seen in these group settings, is that everyone had to know or suspect what was going on. People ruthlessly gossip, and talk a lot of crap about the "cheating married mom", (especially other women), when this happens (Not fair that the guy is never blamed.) Think about what you have thought, or would think about a married mom, in an office you worked at, who you had no feelings for and knew was flirting and cheating with some random coworker? The comments could not have been pretty.

Once this reality became clear to her, she simply labeled those comments as "immature and inappropriate", and that is at least partially why she is remorseful and embarrassed. Having sex with a guy, and then claiming something he said was "inappropriate" makes NO sense. You'll never know exactly what she's done, no matter how much you investigate. That route will just drive you crazy, and he really isn't your problem. Forget about him.

What you do know, is she is a broken person. Broken people don't always know how to love, even though you think she does. What she has done is a sign of sex addiction. Not that it is SA, just a big red flag. These addictions are more destructive to spouses and children than any divorce could be, so watch out. If it happens again, she's got a problem. Figure out how to get custody and run. She will destroy you and your daughter's lives. Hopefully not the case, But there is certainly that person inside of her that can present itself at any time again.

If you do love her, and want to avoid this happening again. DO NOT take her back right away. Let her know you are prepared to walk away. Most people do things because they can. For some reason she thought she would get away with this. Let her understand that actions have consequences. Let her know you are disappointed. I agree with getting STD checks. Besides practical, it sends a message much louder than words.

When she tells you she is sorry, tell her you could forgive her, but you need a woman who can be a good mother to your children. You need a good woman who puts their family first. A good woman is something that you MUST have, and are willing to walk away otherwise. Remind her about her reputation, and the fact that rumors spread, and don't always just go away. Remind her that your daughter deserves a good examples, she needs a mother that isn't considered a ***** by other people. Remind her that if your daughter ever knew about this it could destroy her love and respect for her own mother. This is as damaging to your wife's life, as it is to you and your daughters. These are concepts that she may not even have realized or considered. You need to make them clear to her.

I kind of agree with filing for a divorce even if you don't go through with it. Make sure she knows that you are no longer blinded by your feelings. Women can sense these things, and believe it or not prefer a man who is in control. She is probably acting out, needs to be "punished" to feel love (in a non-physical way of course). She will not respect forgive and forget attitude.This is the nature of broken souls. Not something I would want to have in my life, but whatever.

Everyone needs to know that actions have consequences. It should be as painful to her as possible, so it is less likely to happen again. You are dealing with a person may not really know what is normal in life, and you need to be clear with what you expect. You need to be vigilant, and make sure she doesn't disrespect you at all. In other words, give her an inch she'll take a mile. Do not let her slight you in even the slightest way, or it will get out of hand. Give her space, but let her know you are assessing the situation. Be the boss.

On another note, it is very important for a man to be the leader in his home. In order to do that effectively, husbands are responsible for making sure the family goes to church, and both wife and children are in a good environment and protected. For example, if you are Catholic, go to confession, Sunday mass, perpetual adoration, and join bible study groups. Start with a spiritual retreat. Same would apply for any other church, or faith. You have an opportunity now to put the onus on her to make that happen.

If you can keep your focus on God, you will be strong. A person like your wife needs conversion, healing, and a faithful environment to thrive as the loving person you know her to be. Actually we all need that. This will also be very good for your daughter. Otherwise, the world will definitely sweep all of you away, in one form or another. Good luck


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## dogman

ThePheonix said:


> Something to keep in mind. If Mr. Take Advantage of Drunk Women was my client and was beaten by you, he would file for an assault warrant, spend a little time in the hospital, and would sue you for damages. (after you spent thousands defending yourself against an assault charge). I said in an above post, when trash needs to be moved, make sure your hands stay clean.



Cool, I get it.
But I think one reason so many of these guys mess with wives is because everyone is soooo afraid of repercussions. And, yeah, I know a lot of lawyers, in fact my best friend Is a lawyer and would advise the same way you have. 
I've been known to do trash removal at times so I have trouble delegating that particular job.

I miss the old days for sure.

With all that said as long as the result is the same,it's all good.


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## weightlifter

Here is your plan.

Do it for 3 weeks. If it comes up clear and I am wrong. I will be the second happiest man here right behind you.

VARs

Buy 2 sony ICDPX312 voice activated recorders. Best Buy sells them for like 50 bucks. DO NOT BUY THE cheapies. USE LITHIUM batteries. We have examples of 25 hour recordings using them on these sony recorders. Set bit rate to 44K or higher and sensitivity to very high or better Turn off the beep feature. Its on one of the menus.

Go to Walmart and buy heavy duty velcro.

Use the velcro to attach the var under her seat UP INSIDE. SECURE IT WELL!!!!!! So well even a big bump wont knock it off.

Put the second in whatever room she uses to talk in when you are not around.

Usual warning. If you hear another man get in her car STOP Listening and have a trusted friend tell you what went on. Knowing she is a cheat will kill you. Hearing her moan while Canother man is inside her will murder you to your very soul!!!!!! You are not strong enough to hear that. Dont try it. I know what I am talking about in this.

Play dumb husband for a bit. Dont drive her further underground! NO MORE CONFRONTS!!

If you need clean up the recordings get Audacity. Its free from the internet. I have used it on var work for others here to remove things like engine noise. If needed, I have done var work for three men here. RDMU is the only one who has released some of the confidentiality. Read his second thread for my reliability and confidentiality.

The ezoom GPS has been found to be easy to buy at Radio shack and useful.

Look for a burner phone. That is often why wives let the husband "see their phone"

Look for apps on her phone like words with friends. It has a non traceable texting feature.

I hope I am wrong. Be careful. Be quiet. SECURE THE HECK out of the VAR!

With ?~17? now cheating wives busted under my belt. I am good at this grim task.

Why do I do it? Its my pay it forward. Also. Since my wife "only" had an EA, I dont have mind movies. Just resentment that my 100% implicit trust is gone forever. NEVER to return. I can do this without triggering like many here do.


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## phillybeffandswiss

jnj express said:


> -- the BS, about her graduating with her fellow students---there are literally thousands, of older men and women, who graduate---and the do not go partying with the younger students---THEY WOULD HAVE GONE HOME AND CELEBRATED WITH THEIR FAMILY


Mom, Dad, Cousins, longtime family friend, wife and kids is how I celebrated.


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## Will_Kane

Overdone said:


> Our plan was for her to get a degree just in case she ever needed to work. So she went into a 2 year program with 20 others. Over that time she made friends with her classmates and I could not be more proud of her for doing so well in class. *A month before graduation she would make comments like "you let yourself go" "sometimes I think we are together just for our child" ext.* We are both 34
> 
> Should I give it a try? *Why did she let herself fall into this?* The guy is ugly and about 120 pounds! I want to beat the crap out of him but love my daughter to much to go to jail over it.


The affair started BEFORE she started making those comments. She very well may have confessed out of guilt, but more likely because she realized it was a dead end with this guy, he was asking for more than she could give, she was afraid you would find out, etc.

No cheater tells the truth on the first shot, even when they confess. They ALWAYS minimize - tell you it was once when they were drunk, but it really was several months. That's the real case with your wife.

Looks like she has ended it, but this guy still is local to you, so VAR for three weeks in her house and car are a good precaution, they either let you find out about her continued lies or they pick up nothing inappropriate and it helps you heal a little more. No downside.

Why did she let herself fall into this? He kept telling her how sexy and hot she was, over and over, and she liked it and encouraged it. At some point, she convinced herself he was a great guy who really loved her and she felt like she had to start having sex with him in order to keep him giving the compliments, or else he would move on to a new girl to chase after.

I don't believe that story about one time drunk in the bar.

How did you put it, after drinking a lot of beer he pushed five long island iced teas down her throat, something like that? She's a grown woman out with little boys, they aren't getting anything over on her. Anything she did, she did of her own choice. And that story about being so drunk, with him "feeding" her drinks, is just that - a story.

On the bright side, she is doing all the right things and seems like she really does want to make it up to you. But don't go on looking like a fool to her anymore, just tell her you know her story's not true.

VARs for three weeks. Just in case. Otherwise keep on doing what you're doing, but just stop believing that story. Ask her for a polygraph (and go through with it), if you want her to spill the real story.


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## Kallan Pavithran

Overdone said:


> Should I keep dwelling on this or move forward as she is trying?


Try to move forward but never leave any stone unturned. You need not care about her inconvenience in answering question as much as you need.

Get an appointment for a polygraph and do it. But moving forward should be as per your schedule and plan. 

Take your own time for anything.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER

There is a better than fair chance that you don't know the "whole" truth about what your WS has done with the OM yet.

The EA probably started days, if not weeks, before she was making the "you let your self go" comments.

Although the ONS may not have been "planned" before hand, she most certainly had a good idea that something physical could, or was going to happen, that night. She can blame the booze all she want's, but she knew what she was about to do. What she could have possibly loose if caught, but she did it anyway.

There is more to their relationship than she has told you so far. How much more?... You'll have to do the VAR's as previously suggested, along with some other detective work.

Be prepared for the likely scenario of finding out that there is more. How much more is the question.

If this indeed is the first and only time she has cheated on you in your relationship, you have to start wondering what her "reason" was.

Is it because of the state that your marriage was in?

OR, was because this was the first time that she's been apart from you. With the same people. Over and over again.

Kind of makes you wonder what will happen if she gets a job?...


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## Tall Average Guy

TOMTEFAR said:


> This is something that none of you have picked up on yet. To me I find this to be strange. It sounds like someone who is in an EA/PA and have been for a while. Yet the WW claims that they started texting at this time. This doesn't compute for me.


I think there are a number of possibilities. She could be lying and they were hot and heavy much earlier, she could have been talking to the OM before they really started texting (and thus the EA was earlier), she may have been fantasizing about the OM at this point, then started the talking and texting. It is clear that something had changed in her mind at this point. I think he needs to dig more to get as much information as he can as to why that change occurred.

One thought is to buy Not Just Friends and get her to read it. If she is truly remorseful, she may come to realize that she strayed earlier than she realized.


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## Overdone

UPDATE!

Talked more and took some of your advice.

Told to take lie detector-- she said yes no problem
Told to sign Post nup -- she said no problem

Talked more about why and what happened. She says of course all of the group were good friends by the end so she felt comfortable with them all. He 2 months before the day started flirting. She said she told him sorry but I'm married lets just continue to be friends. Well that's when the your so beautiful, your husbands lucky ext came in. She admitted that she started to feed on that and it made her feel good. She said she knew the texts were wrong but felt like it was a fun game. That night was not planned and I do believe that. But I am here because of it. She said everything happened so quick, one min everyone was having fun and the next he was parked making the moves on her. I do believe if I did not work so much the nice comments would not have gone over so well for him. The next day she told him she felt bad about it and had to distance herself, she then at that point deleted all contact. She went on crying on how she felt like **** and can't believe all this ended up happening. I told her if she fails the poly it's divorce time. She insured me nothing else happened and she is telling all. I have been feeling a little bit better this week with everyone's help! Also her showing true remorse helps.


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## CEL

Good understand this is a START. Also the prenup should be the same if you cheat.


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## Jonesey

Overdone said:


> He drove her car to store to buy smokes and in between that it happend. They went back to bar for his cousin to follow home. _*She said he made a move on her after the store and stopped in a parking lot. *_ I know I know, messed up. *She knew what she was doing. * *She said the lust of the whole deal took over. * Life has it's way of beating you down right?


Nevermind i see now that you posted before me..
That is great that you finally got her to talk..

I have to say reading you´re last post.I have no problem to believe her account on what has happened. This is usally how this type of situation turns out.


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## Dyokemm

I'm a firm believer that the WW has to be primarily held accountable for cheating. I think every BS should at least fill out and hand his WW divorce papers to shake her up and let her see how badly she f**ked up and what she stands to lose.

But, assuming her story is factual, this situation also shows why nearly every POSOM deserves to be absolutely destroyed in every way possible.

His first advances were rejected and he was told she was married. Yet this scumbag kept pushing the situation til she eventually the circumstances were right and she caved.

Bast**ds like this pile of filth need to be crushed because they show no remorse or care that their pursuits destroy families and marriages.

The only exceptions I would make is for an OM who was kept in the dark by the WW about her marital status (and assuming he's single). But how rare is that in reality? Nearly all of these scumbags know the situation.

This is why I can never quite understand the viewpoint of other posters who say to ignore these POS because they are not worth it. To me, its like letting any other type of predator wander the streets unchallenged for their actions.


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## Michelleinmichigan

There are a few problems here Overdone.

Your wife is a 34 year old mother and finds it innocent fun to have a flirtatious texting relationship with a kid she is studying with? Then has sex with this random guy, and turns around and tells you "innapropriate" comments were made, as though her sensitive psyche was offended. She definitely plays the innocent, helpless girly role with you. A lot of kids/girls do that with their boyfriends, but at 34 it is bizarre. Now is your chance to explain that she is accountable for her actions, and has responsibilities, no more of this innocent female victim of circumstances BS.

How does your wife have a group of good friends that she feels so comfortable with, but you do not seem to be familiar with them? It doesn't work that way. Do you have any good friends, that your wife doesn't know? Is she still friends with those good friends, and does she invite them over?

Do you hang out with, get rides, and go drinking with people that your wife doesn't know or isn't friends with also?

In these cases a spouse desperately wants things to be OK, and will refuse to believe their lying eyes. I'm glad you feel better but the only way to prevent this from happening again is for you not to be a chump. Be clear that it is not acceptable for her to hang out with other men, and drink, with random people that aren't mutual friends. Be clear that you do blame her for this and she was disrespectful to you and your daughter.

Also if she says she is the one that broke it off, you should talk to the other guy. She says she told him "no" once before and he still went after her, why wouldn't he do it again, unless you spoke to him. Call him up and ask him what happened with your wife. That's all it takes to remind him that he will get his butt kicked if it happens again.

Do the polygraph, do the STD tests, and talk to the other guy civilly, over the phone if it prevents you from getting in trouble.


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## Overdone

Michelleinmichigan said:


> There are a few problems here Overdone.
> 
> How does your wife have a group of good friends that she feels so comfortable with, but you do not seem to be familiar with them? It doesn't work that way. Do you have any good friends, that your wife doesn't know? Is she still friends with those good friends, and does she invite them over?
> 
> Do you hang out with, get rides, and go drinking with people that your wife doesn't know or isn't friends with also?
> 
> In these cases a spouse desperately wants things to be OK, and will believe their lying eyes. I'm glad you feel better but the only way to prevent this from happening again is for you not to be a chump. Be clear that it is not acceptable for her to hang out with other men, and drink, with random people that aren't mutual friends. Be clear that you do blame her for this and she was disrespectful to you and your daughter.
> 
> Also if she says she is the one that broke it off, you should talk to the other guy. She says she told him "no" once before and he still went after her, why wouldn't he do it again, unless you spoke to him. Call him up and ask him what happened with your wife. That's all it takes to remind him that he will get his butt kicked if it happens again.
> 
> Do the polygraph, do the STD tests, and talk to the other guy civilly, over the phone if it prevents you from getting in trouble.


He has tried to contact her, and she has told me both times he did. She did not answer. I did contact him on email but just asked if he could come over and have a beer with me. He said yes but kept acting like the dates I said would not work. Imagine that! I told him he was a great guy and could not wait to hang out with him. He has met me before.. his answer was why now? I said because you are a great guy. These were people she went to school with, it's not like she went out with them at night before. Her # is changed and for my daughters sake I am going to leave that alone unless I run into him. Then we will see. I don't feel like I need to keep on but so much, I really don't want all this to get out. We are doing a Post nup and a polly gragh, and I will continue to ask questions when I want to. I told her I have dovorce papers already filled and they just needed to be signed. Part of me feels at this stage (not telling her this) I need to focus on why I want to still be with her vs dwelling on the piece of crap dude and what she did. I know she loves me and I know I love her. That does not mean I can stay either.


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## 2yearsago

Hicks said:


> How do you decide?
> Over a period of time she demonstrates a huge committment to you and her marriage. The list of items everyone is telling you to do is how she starts demonstrating things. Every day of you life will continue to be a decision to stay married or not.


This is absolutely key. If she makes a HUGE effort then you will consider it. You have to take the time to come to grips if you can live with it or not. 

Your marriage will never be the same. The old marriage is destroyed. Destroyed by her. Now decide if you can have a brand new marriage with her. 

Good luck. Been there, it sucks. My strength is with you.


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## Jonesey

Overdone said:


> He has tried to contact her, and she has told me both times he did. She did not answer. I did contact him on email *but just asked if he could come over and have a beer with me.* _He said yes but kept acting like the dates I said would not work._ *Imagine that! * *I told him he was a great guy and could not wait to hang out with him. * He has met me before.. _his answer was why now?_ *I said because you are a great guy. *These were people she went to school with, it's not like she went out with them at night before. Her # is changed and for my daughters sake I am going to leave that alone unless I run into him. Then we will see. I don't feel like I need to keep on but so much, I really don't want all this to get out. We are doing a Post nup and a polly gragh, and I will continue to ask questions when I want to. I told her I have dovorce papers already filled and they just needed to be signed. Part of me feels at this stage (not telling her this) I need to focus on why I want to still be with her vs dwelling on the piece of crap dude and what she did. I know she loves me and I know I love her. That does not mean I can stay either.



Ha ha .I just got to say.I LOVE the way you have played mind games with the Douch:smthumbup::lol::rofl:


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## Michelleinmichigan

Good for you Overdone. I'm happy for you, stay strong. 

Reviewing the phone bills and seeing texts, time, and minutes would be a good idea and easy to do.

From now on, trust but verify.


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## LostViking

On top of the poly and post-nup, you should also require her to expose what she did to family and friends (if you have not done so already). 

No more GNOs for life, no more going out without you to bars or nightclubs. 

And for extra protection, she has no more contact with the friends she was with that night. They should have stopped her and did not. They are no friends of the marriage.


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## Dyokemm

Overdone,

I agree with you that you need to take time and really figure out what you want.

Too many BS rush to get to reconciliation and fixing the M, without ever reflecting in themselves if this is a situation they even want. They want the old M back ASAP.

Problem is, the old marriage is dead and gone forever. Only the new situation remains in its place. You have to figure out if this new reality is something you even want to deal with or be in.


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## Overdone

LostViking said:


> On top of the poly and post-nup, you should also require her to expose what she did to family and friends (if you have not done so already).
> 
> No more GNOs for life, no more going out without you to bars or nightclubs.
> 
> And for extra protection, she has no more contact with the friends she was with that night. They should have stopped her and did not. They are no friends of the marriage.


She cut all contact from all in that group, even the ones that were not there and are good people. I don't feel like telling family will help matters. To me it will be their business if we go through with a divorce. 

Thanks for all the comments!


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## Overdone

Jonesey said:


> Ha ha .I just got to say.I LOVE the way you have played mind games with the Douch:smthumbup::lol::rofl:


You know that's eating at his life. He knows me enough to know he's in trouble


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## Jonesey

Overdone said:


> You know that's *eating at his life.* He knows me enough to know he's in trouble


This would be enough "punishment" not knowing,if and when.
And with out not knowing,that nothing will ever come his way


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## jnj express

I am wondering how really sincere your wife was when she told this 21 yr old guy she was married, and to cool it

The normal 21 yr old who is getting shut down by an older woman, who he took a "shot" with, would move on

I am thinking your wife kept this A., going by encouraging him in some way to stick around---and if she F'ing told him NO, then why did she get in a car, with him----SHE F'ing KNEW WHAT HE WANTED---and WHY is he still trying to stay in touch with her----there has to be more to that A., then she is letting on---it needs to be questioned in the poly.

You may want to ask her when you do the polygraph, how much encouragement she actually did give him----I think this was not a one-sided A

Also this was a college crowd, going to class, and partying as college kids---DO---they also trade partners very easily, and drink hard----what the HE*L is a 34 yr old wife and MOTHER doing going out with them, FOR ANY REASON WHATSOEVER---she had a young daughter she was spose to be responsible for

She needs some definite work with an IC, whether you stick around or not, cuz she will always be your daughters mother, whether you stay married or not---and right now her decision making faculties, are way out of whack.


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## weightlifter

Poly questions must be yes or no. Here are a few. Im thinking the poly wont be followed thru but i may be surprised.
1. Did you fvck sh!thead just once
2. Is sh!thead the only other man you fvcked since we became exclusive.
3. Are you in intmate contact with any other men? This incldes email, testing, phone, facebook etc.


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## Will_Kane

Michelleinmichigan said:


> There are a few problems here Overdone.
> 
> *Your wife is a 34 year old mother and finds it innocent fun to have a flirtatious texting relationship with a kid she is studying with?* Then has sex with this random guy, and turns around and tells you "innapropriate" comments were made, as though her sensitive psyche was offended. She definitely plays the innocent, helpless girly role with you. A lot of kids/girls do that with their boyfriends, but *at 34 it is bizarre*. Now is your chance to explain that she is accountable for her actions, and has responsibilities, no more of this innocent female victim of circumstances BS.
> 
> How does your wife have a group of good friends that she feels so comfortable with, but you do not seem to be familiar with them? It doesn't work that way. Do you have any good friends, that your wife doesn't know? Is she still friends with those good friends, and does she invite them over?
> 
> Do you hang out with, get rides, and go drinking with people that your wife doesn't know or isn't friends with also?
> 
> In these cases a spouse desperately wants things to be OK, and will refuse to believe their lying eyes. I'm glad you feel better but the only way to prevent this from happening again is for you not to be a chump. Be clear that it is not acceptable for her to hang out with other men, and drink, with random people that aren't mutual friends. Be clear that you do blame her for this and she was disrespectful to you and your daughter.
> 
> Also if she says she is the one that broke it off, you should talk to the other guy. She says she told him "no" once before and he still went after her, why wouldn't he do it again, unless you spoke to him. Call him up and ask him what happened with your wife. That's all it takes to remind him that he will get his butt kicked if it happens again.
> 
> Do the polygraph, do the STD tests, and talk to the other guy civilly, over the phone if it prevents you from getting in trouble.


In my opinion, the whole story about just one time seems made up.


----------



## jim123

Overdone said:


> You know that's eating at his life. He knows me enough to know he's in trouble


You need to find out why. The A started before the flirting started.

In one month this loser did her in a parking lot. The drinking only made it happen sooner. She wanted to do this and junped on the first guy and first chance.

She gave him signals. If a guy like him can pull over and do her what do you think a guy she is attracted to and offer more can do.

She wanted to cheat and took the first opportunity she had.

There is something within her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Shaggy

I know you want to keep it quiet , but some exposure is a good way for your wife to face her choice here and to perform some penance. It's good for you and it's good for her.

In thus case I suggest that she herself should be exposing what the guy did when she was drunk and he was supposed to be protecting her. It wasn't rape, but he was very much taking advantage of her being very drunk when he made his move.

She should be exposing this guy to the social group and burning him to them.


----------



## Remains

Will_Kane said:


> Why did she let herself fall into this? He kept telling her how sexy and hot she was, over and over, and she liked it and encouraged it. At some point, *she convinced herself he was a great guy who really loved her and she felt like she had to start having sex with him in order to keep him giving the compliments, or else he would move on to a new girl to chase after.*


How true this is! Will Kane you are so spot on....again! This is exactly what women do before they realise they are being schmoozed and played. And this is exactly the reasoning why girls lacking in confidence and esteem sleep with a man they may not even necessarily want to.

Edit. That behaviour though is generally young girls who don't know better. Not so much 34year old women. I say that, women can be schmoozed at just about any age, some women fall for it easy, easy prey to a few compliments, others don't.


----------



## aug

The OM gets to brag about the MILF he bagged?


----------



## larry.gray

Overdone said:


> She cut all contact from all in that group, even the ones that were not there and are good people. I don't feel like telling family will help matters. To me it will be their business if we go through with a divorce.
> 
> Thanks for all the comments!


Have her make a video confession. Tell her that if you stay together you're keeping it, but if she ever does something again or you find out she's lied about more, you've got that video to play for your family and hers.


----------



## Jasel

Good job Overdone:smthumbup: 

I do agree with others though who are saying you should reconsider at least having her expose to her own family. But it's really up to you. So far it sounds like you're on the right path exposure or not.


----------



## VFW

When I read this post I see both a nice guy and a raging guy that is on a roller coaster ride. You obviously love her and want her to see the loving individual you are in life. There is also this raging individual that comes out every once in a while, like the Hulk that just wants to go postal on something. This is actually not uncommon, so just understand that it happens.

She appears to be remorseful and has been relatively forthright with you. However, she can't MAKE you happy or sad. Those are your emotions and for you to control. The Hulk will come out from time to time, I suggest that you find ways of dealing with him, so the ride is a little smoother. 

Exercise is a great way to constructively relieve stress and makes for a healthier you in the process. Instead of hitting the bars that probably appears to be retribution to her, invest time in your hobbies. If you don't have one, now is an excellent time to try one you have always wanted to do. I understand working hard for your families future, but don't neglect the relationship in the process. 

I think you fell into a bad situation. She is around a bunch of young people with no commitments and living a carefree life. That is what THEY should do, but she got caught in the fantasy. I am a little concerned about the negative comments that she made pre-DD, when she was stone sober. I HIGHLY recommend MC for you to work through these issues. She also needs to understand that fixing it is not sucking up to you, but is being honest in answering your questions and helping you work through your emotions. This takes time and can't be put on a clock. If you can forgive her and she can be patient with you and both of you work hard, this can be fixed.


----------



## Michelleinmichigan

I agree that informing family is good, but understandably hard to do. When we keep these secrets it is enabling the other person to get away with what they did. It is covering it up for them.

I would bring it up, if the opportunity presents itself. 

Her responses are definitely positive, but I doubt very much her story and it is almost certain that OM has no interest in pursuing a relationship with her. I doubt he ever called her again, and he probably thinks she was the one who had the hots for him, that is how guys think.

I hear all the crap my son and his friends from school talk about women. They see women as throwing themselves at men. (Young girls make themselves way too available these days.) The problem they have is after they sleep with them, "can't to get rid of them". Perhaps that is why women in relationships would appeal to them.

If women knew how men talked about them after sex, they wouldn't let guy touch her. They are worse than women, when it comes to gossiping, and they really don't appreciate an "easy lay", which is anyone they hook up with that's not a girlfriend.

She is really lucky to have the husband she has.


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## blackdiamonds

This is coming from a fWW here. Both of you need to talk about this. It's gonna be a long and extremely difficult conversation but it will need to be done for both of you. Ask her the real reason she cheated and what really happened with her and OM. If at all possible...ask OM too (but be calm and rational about it). You both need to figure out what you want to do with the relationship. If you decide to go on the path of R, then there has to be transparency and honesty, especially on her end. No more secrets, lies and sneaking around whatsoever. The path to R will be difficult, especially the first few months...hell the first few days even. She needs to get tested for STD's and pronto. Definitely consider that for yourself too. Again, you both need to talk about this and figure out exactly where your relationship stands.


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## Brokenshadow

blackdiamonds said:


> This is coming from a fWW here. Both of you need to talk about this. It's gonna be a long and extremely difficult conversation but it will need to be done for both of you. Ask her the real reason she cheated and what really happened with her and OM. If at all possible...ask OM too (but be calm and rational about it). You both need to figure out what you want to do with the relationship. If you decide to go on the path of R, then there has to be transparency and honesty, especially on her end. No more secrets, lies and sneaking around whatsoever. The path to R will be difficult, especially the first few months...hell the first few days even. She needs to get tested for STD's and pronto. Definitely consider that for yourself too. Again, you both need to talk about this and figure out exactly where your relationship stands.


I would not, under any circumstances, speak to the OM. For one, it makes you look weak, pathetic. Two, what do you really think would happen? Do you really wanna risk snapping, going into a rage, and find yourself choking the life out of him? 

Curious BD, did you encourage your husband to have a chat with the man you were cheating on him with?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## blackdiamonds

Brokenshadow said:


> I would not, under any circumstances, speak to the OM. For one, it makes you look weak, pathetic. Two, what do you really think would happen? Do you really wanna risk snapping, going into a rage, and find yourself choking the life out of him?
> 
> Curious BD, did you encourage your husband to have a chat with the man you were cheating on him with?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No. He did that on his own and to hear OM's side of the story to see if I was lying and because DDay was when he saw the texts and emails between me and OM. It's been well over a year ago since then and since I cut ties with OM. I just think the best thing right now is for Overdone and his WW to talk about exactly why she cheated, what's wrong in the relationship and what they want to do about it, above anything. As for telling the family, they don't need to know all those sordid details. The only thing the family needs to know is if they decide to separate and/or divorce, IMO.


----------



## Brokenshadow

blackdiamonds said:


> No. He did that on his own and to hear OM's side of the story to see if I was lying and because DDay was when he saw the texts and emails between me and OM.


Different strokes for different folks, I guess...I could never do that. It had to be rough knowing that your H put so little trust in you being honest that he resorted to that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## blackdiamonds

Brokenshadow said:


> Different strokes for different folks, I guess...I could never do that. It had to be rough knowing that your H put so little trust in you being honest that he resorted to that.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


After what I did and on DDay no less, yeah. I didn't blame H for doing that. Hell, if it were me, I would've done the same thing to be honest. It was tough seeing now little H trusted me that day and the way he reacted to me the first few months of R and seeing the damage I caused to our relationship. The first few months, it was an emotional roller coaster for him. That was the time that I thought that I was seconds away from him serving me with divorce papers and telling me to pack up and GTFO.


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## Jasel

blackdiamonds said:


> No. He did that on his own and to hear OM's side of the story to see if I was lying and because DDay was when he saw the texts and emails between me and OM. It's been well over a year ago since then and since I cut ties with OM. I just think the best thing right now is for Overdone and his WW to talk about exactly why she cheated, what's wrong in the relationship and what they want to do about it, above anything. As for telling the family, they don't need to know all those sordid details. The only thing the family needs to know is if they decide to separate and/or divorce, IMO.


The OM has absolutely no incentive to tell the OP the truth or even meet/talk to him. And I agree with Broken, it is really going to make him look weak in his wife's eyes going to the OM for help, whatever the reason. Contact needs to be cut off from this guy for the both of them period. 

If he needs verification of what his wife says, a polygraph would probably be more effective. Even though they're not completely reliable and are prone to error, there have been plenty of stories here of "parking lot confessions" when the WS actually gets to the polygraph appointment. But besides that there's no surefire way to know he's getting the whole truth.

I do agree that they need marriage counseling. I completely forgot about the disparaging comments she made about him also. 

I also still think he needs to tell the family. It's about accountability and consequences. Neither of which it really sounds like she's had to deal with yet. A polygraph and a post-nup are great for the OP's peace of mind and protection if things go south. But those in themselves are not going to drive home the severity of what she has done. 

Crying, feeling bad, and showing remorse are all well and good but without real consequences she's much more likely to want to "move past it" because she basically got away with it, despite being caught.

Just saw a quote from 2yearsago made today that illustrates that potential problem:



> Agreed with the anger on the wife's lack of remorse. It pisses me off. I think this ties into the fact that I never made consequences for the actions. Which leads me to my current state of seriously considering ending the marriage.


Overdone not sure if you mentioned it but did she ever give an explanation for some of the ****ty things she has said about you and to you?


----------



## Thor

If the plan is to R, I don't think exposure to family is helpful. This presumes the A is truly believed to be dead, so there is no need to try to force an end to it.

Assuming the R is generally successful, exposure can poison family relationships forever. His family may never forgive her for the A. Someone might say something hurtful to the children.

If support of family would be helpful to the BS, it would make sense to give a general statement to family about marital problems and perhaps even WW offering a non-specific admission of not being fully honest with her husband in the past.


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## Shaggy

In thus case, exposing to the school friends is the biggest bang for the buck.


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## Overdone

UPDATE!

Ok we have been spending time talking more about this. Feeling a little better everyday. Thanks for all the comments! My mother watched our child for 2 days this weekend so we could have some time to talk more. Like I said before she is good with post nup and polly. She told me about how after it happened she knew I would kick her out and she ruined everything. She said she felt defeated. I always said I could not if that ever happened and TBH that could still be the case. We had long talks and got a lot out. I asked her about the comments she made to me when she said I was letting myself go, and sometimes she thinks we were only together for the kid. She said what she meant by letting myself go was not trying to impress her anymore, that she felt like I had her and did not have to do anything to keep her. The other comment, she said she felt like if we did not have our daughter I would leave anyway because I was not romantic with her anymore. It seemed like I did not care about her, only our daughter. She did add she was being selfish and fed into the feeling of being wanted by someone else. We had an amazing weekend together, feels like we are dating again. Things are moving in the right direction. When I look at her I don't want to throw up (as much). Sex is great, she use to always worry about her body, ext but now is only worried about pleasing me. Then I want to return the favor, is 1-3 times a day too much at this stage? I have started working on myself too, I am not looking at other ladies thinking how nice they look ext... I'm trying to keep my own mind out of the gutter and making it a point to notice the things my wife is doing to make up. I'm not going to lie, I feel like we both neglected each other and we did not even realize it. I'm not blaming myself but trying to look at everything from many angles. Thanks for the ear!


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## workindad

Follow thru on the polygraph be vigilent. 

Good luck 

WD
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lovemytruck

Overdone said:


> UPDATE!
> 
> Ok we have been spending time talking more about this. Feeling a little better everyday. Thanks for all the comments! My mother watched our child for 2 days this weekend so we could have some time to talk more. Like I said before she is good with post nup and polly. She told me about how after it happened she knew I would kick her out and she ruined everything. She said she felt defeated. I always said I could not if that ever happened and TBH that could still be the case. We had long talks and got a lot out. I asked her about the comments she made to me when she said I was letting myself go, and sometimes she thinks we were only together for the kid. She said what she meant by letting myself go was not trying to impress her anymore, that she felt like I had her and did not have to do anything to keep her. The other comment, she said she felt like if we did not have our daughter I would leave anyway because I was not romantic with her anymore. It seemed like I did not care about her, only our daughter. She did add she was being selfish and fed into the feeling of being wanted by someone else. We had an amazing weekend together, feels like we are dating again. Things are moving in the right direction. When I look at her I don't want to throw up (as much). Sex is great, she use to always worry about her body, ext but now is only worried about pleasing me. Then I want to return the favor, is 1-3 times a day too much at this stage? I have started working on myself too, I am not looking at other ladies thinking how nice they look ext... I'm trying to keep my own mind out of the gutter and making it a point to notice the things my wife is doing to make up. I'm not going to lie, I feel like we both neglected each other and we did not even realize it. I'm not blaming myself but trying to look at everything from many angles. Thanks for the ear!


This sounds like the typical hysterical bonding sex that helps deal with the anger and guilt (for her). It probably is a good thing because it allows us a sense of recovery. It gives our weary minds something good after all of the deception during the A, and coping since d-day.

What to expect now? You will probably want to follow through with a poly. I didn't consider it. Too much money, and I really wanted to trust her (fWW) again.

Be ready for trickle truth (TT). Almost ALWAYS happens.

Be ready for a second d-day. Usually happens.

Be ready for her to break the no contact rule. Usually happens.

Then as you move through this phase, you will notice changes in you outlook. Changes in your feelings. Things will probably get back to a routine pace. This is when I started wondering what the H#ll happened. I think this is very normal too.

Check back and figure out what you might do that would help you. Many of us reach a point where we think about a revenge affair. Many drink too much. Many need some ego repair. Some pretend it didn't happen at all.

Most are questioning "why?"

It seems this is the point when it gets difficult again. Limbo. Wondering if you really want to R or D.

Good luck for the time being. It really does suck to go through the things you have endured so far.


----------



## Shaggy

So you do realize you are basically rewarding her cheating by throwing attention at her, taking her for a special weekend.

Such stuff is easy because it forces a lovey dovey reconnection, but what about when you return to the land of reality where you are parents, and have jobs etc.

Becareful because you are very much heading to the land if rugsweeping which will come bak to bite you because you will skip over addressing the heart of her choice to betray the marriage.


----------



## Overdone

Yes I can see some of that. We did not go on a vacation just made time to talk more. I guess the more we talk and things are gone over more I can see some moving forward out of it. After work almost every day once the baby is in bed I ask more questions. I know she wants it to be over and that is talked about to. She does not get mad anymore when we go over things, you can tell the disapointment in her body language and words. She knows if she fails the polly we are getting a divorce. Is it possible someone that does what she has done to truly be remorceful?


----------



## harrybrown

Have you asked her how she would feel if you cheated? Would she be as forgiving?


----------



## Overdone

Yes, she said she would feel terrible but believes she could get over it more than she thinks I can.


----------



## Overdone

I loved her 100% walking into this so it's hard to just toss that out the window, even though she may have. I told her I still love her 100% but hate her 100% also now, maybe 98% of hate now after all the conversations.


----------



## Jasel

Overdone said:


> Yes, she said she would feel terrible but believes she could get over it more than she thinks I can.


Easy to say from her position I imagine


----------



## Overdone

Jasel said:


> Easy to say from her position I imagine


True!


----------



## Acabado

Overdone said:


> Yes, she said she would feel terrible but believes she could get over it more than she thinks I can.


Very convenient.


----------



## Overdone

Yea, tuff times for sure.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## jnj express

so you had a great weekend---how does that happen---KNOWING WHAT SHE DID----it doesn't matter what crap came out her mouth for justification----THERE IS NO JUSTIFICATION FOR WHAT SHE DID

anyway---you had a great weekend---and she manipulated you---sex was hot---everything was good----and she is even slowly but surly working you toward getting a broom and lifting up the rug

Hey this IS your life, your wife----enjoy your future


----------



## JCD

Overdone said:


> Gets up early and makes me coffee and breakfast, texts me throughout the day how much she loves me. Begs to go to lunch everyday. Fixes dinner every night. Wants to hold me all night long. Makes first attempt to do all the "things" I like in bed. Tells me she loves me, squeezes me tight telling me how much she loves me. Leaves her phone out and when she gets something she tells me who it is. Begs me to look at her phone / email. She deleted her FB, asked me first and said go for it. All other twitter ext she deleted. I told her ' maybe we should change your number" she was good with it and wanted to if it made me feel better. Can't complain about this part of marriage.


So...except for the FB thing and talking about the text, she is doing what a wife SHOULD do.

Frankly, these were things she should already have been doing as a spouse who isn't working. You are not getting any 'extras' here except maybe a little bit in the bedroom.


----------



## JCD

phillybeffandswiss said:


> I am not going to say true or not, but I will say this is a very COMMON claim on this website. I am at the point where, I no longer believe any woman that makes that statement, when caught in an affair, is telling the truth.


Not to put too fine a point on this, but I've been in a bar with 10 Bacardi Breezers in me within three hours. Not exactly walking straight, if you get my drift. And I was getting a 'hard play' from some girls working the bar.

Still didn't go there. Maybe I wasn't drunk enough. But the amount of alcohol it would take to affect my judgment so badly would also probably put me unconscious. I'm a lightweight drinker. I can feel the first drink.

Maybe she's different. But I don't put a lot of weight on the alcohol excuse.


----------



## JCD

workindad said:


> OP- I hope you find a way to properly reconcile this issue with your wife and rebuild. That seems to be what you want.
> 
> Just don't rush it. This will take time and she will need to understand that. Some of your comments do cause concern from my perspective.
> 
> She had a months long EA- that went PA and you can already sense that she has anger in her voice when you discuss it??? Sorry, but she's going to need to deal with it.
> 
> You also don't want to read the texts?? To each his own. I would because I would need to know what I'm forgiving, but I understand your position. Are you afraid of finding out that it was more than she says?
> 
> Have you asked about the polygraph? How did she respond?
> 
> You seem to want to blame OM and the booze. I can understand the need to direct your anger away from the one you love, but understand she was in an active EA with this man for some time- she lead him on- she willfully and inetentionally went drinking with him. You are also assuming that she broke things off. Maybe he dumped her.
> 
> My only point is that cheaters lie- they all do and most of your "facts" come from your cheating wife. Examine what you know carefully. Perhaps she thought she would get busted and that is why she told you. Maybe he was bragging on FB, maybe other class mates were calling her out on social media for it?
> 
> Reconcile the right way- do not rug sweep it. That will come back to bite you in the a$$. Also, make sure you ask how many other EAs and PAs she has had.
> 
> Good luck
> WD


One thing that you, OP, are also totally ignoring is the multiple MULTIPLE hard emotionally damaging potshots she took at you during her EA. Where did that come from? Does she still feel that way? Where did this anger come from?

Does she even have the tools to be in a normal relationship?

From the sounds of it, there is a lot of pus in the boil and you need to lance it.

Also, I never read any rational explanation about why SHE was at a grad party stag. Is she embarrassed by you? Why weren't you invited? How many of her 'friends' do you know?

Think hard on these things.


----------



## JCD

Overdone said:


> Yes I can see some of that. We did not go on a vacation just made time to talk more. I guess the more we talk and things are gone over more I can see some moving forward out of it. After work almost every day once the baby is in bed I ask more questions. I know she wants it to be over and that is talked about to. She does not get mad anymore when we go over things, you can tell the disapointment in her body language and words. She knows if she fails the polly we are getting a divorce. Is it possible someone that does what she has done to truly be remorceful?


One thing:

Make it clear to her that she is allowed to...fill in the gaps in her story before the poly with few recriminations.

Right now, if she's been fibbing, she's stuck in a position where there is a lot more truth to tell...but she'll get hit hard by a poly but if she confesses what really happened, she's still looking down the barrel of a divorce.

So give her some leeway to tell you the truth NOW. Tell her you will at least think twice about a divorce even if more comes percolating out of the ground.


----------



## Thor

JCD said:


> One thing:
> 
> Make it clear to her that she is allowed to...fill in the gaps in her story before the poly with few recriminations.
> 
> Right now, if she's been fibbing, she's stuck in a position where there is a lot more truth to tell...but she'll get hit hard by a poly but if she confesses what really happened, she's still looking down the barrel of a divorce.
> 
> So give her some leeway to tell you the truth NOW. Tell her you will at least think twice about a divorce even if more comes percolating out of the ground.


Yes, but....

This is a terribly fine line to walk. She has to believe there is some benefit to coming clean with all the lies and deceptions she has not yet revealed. She'll weigh whether OP will divorce her if she reveals more fully the truth vs whether OP will continue to believe her lies. She'll try to discern whether he is really going to enforce the polygraph.

If she believes he will divorce her if she reveals the full truth, she will keep her mouth shut and take her chances. If she thinks he will likely back down on the poly, she'll keep her mouth shut.

Thus the offer to her has to walk the line of offering her a fair chance at R no matter what the truth is (carrot) vs being firm on D if anything else is ever discovered in the future (stick).

In my case my wife STFU about undisclosed and yet undiscovered lies and deceptions. She took the chance I'll never know the truth, because she knew I didn't have any proof (just a room full of smoking guns). Once the offer expired to tell me anything and everything, she has no incentive to reveal anything.

So it is a one time situation making such an offer. Do not back out of the polygraph!


----------



## Overdone

Last night I had a bad night, on my way home from work I had the terrible gut and nervous feeling hit. Inside I was boiling, she new it but I tried to act like everything was ok. Woke up in the middle of the night and moved to the other room. I came back in around 3am because the spare bedroom is not comfortable, I did not lay close to her. I wanted to talk more last night but know the "hulk" was inside so it was best I did not bring anything up. (Not that I would do anything to her, just mentally it was not a good time) As far as the questions about the night she went out.... It was just a few of the group that went out, I was invited but my mother could not watch the baby as she was out of town. She sent me a few pics of her and the group that night. Anyway she did tell me some new news. Not much but she said she did stop the texting flirting half way threw. (The start to finish lasted 7-8weeks.) But when she went to school the next day he just sat in the back not paying attention to her. The group texting about school and jokes (she use to show me those) was still going on and after a few days the texting between the 2 started again. Seems like it was 2 weeks before D day that she made the rude comments to me. When I brought that up she said she started to think she could be happy with this guy even though we were happy. It was like she was blinded by the carefree life and fun of it all. I don't know what to do really, all this crap pisses me off. She cut off contact will all in the school group and if one of them sends her a note about whatever she comes and shows me. She wants me to tell her how to respond so it is not obvious she is breaking the contact. I actually suggested that because some of the girls in the group have kids the same age and are involved in a few of the same events. Polly? Yea lets do it, but even if she comes back clean all this still sucks.


----------



## rrrbbbttt

Once trust is broken it never returns. You will NEVER trust her as fully as you did in the past. 

Just because she is doing this now do not think it will continue unless she is fully committed. You are now in for the long term rebuilding if she is going to do this.

A lot of WS on here do the rush of making the BS feel better at first then after several weeks it Wanes because "I said I was committed to you, why aren't you over it yet?" You and her have a long road ahead and you will continue to deal with these bad times, mind movies etc.


----------



## GROUNDPOUNDER

Overdone said:


> Last night I had a bad night, on my way home from work I had the terrible gut and nervous feeling hit. Inside I was boiling, she new it but I tried to act like everything was ok. Woke up in the middle of the night and moved to the other room. I came back in around 3am because the spare bedroom is not comfortable, I did not lay close to her. I wanted to talk more last night but know the "hulk" was inside so it was best I did not bring anything up. (Not that I would do anything to her, just mentally it was not a good time) As far as the questions about the night she went out.... It was just a few of the group that went out, I was invited but my mother could not watch the baby as she was out of town. She sent me a few pics of her and the group that night. Anyway she did tell me some new news. Not much but she said she did stop the texting flirting half way threw. (The start to finish lasted 7-8weeks.) But when she went to school the next day he just sat in the back not paying attention to her. The group texting about school and jokes (she use to show me those) was still going on and after a few days the texting between the 2 started again. Seems like it was 2 weeks before D day that she made the rude comments to me. When I brought that up she said she started to think she could be happy with this guy even though we were happy. It was like she was blinded by the carefree life and fun of it all. I don't know what to do really, all this crap pisses me off. She cut off contact will all in the school group and if one of them sends her a note about whatever she comes and shows me. She wants me to tell her how to respond so it is not obvious she is breaking the contact. I actually suggested that because some of the girls in the group have kids the same age and are involved in a few of the same events. *Polly? Yea lets do it, but even if she comes back clean all this still sucks.*


Prepare yourself for some TT'ing and a possible "parking lot confession".

I'm not saying that there is more to her story, but a looming polygraph test tends to bring out the truths leading up to the polygraph test. Many fold during the ride to and in the parking lot of the polygraph place.

Again, I'm not saying that this will happen, but you need to realize that it is a distinct possibility now, given what you know so far. So think about what you are going to say and do if this does indeed happen.

Good luck. AND DON'T BACK OUT, EVER.


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## weightlifter

:iagree:

Russ/John had a parking lot confession. ~ 3 weeks ago?


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## Tobyboy

Add me to list of "ride to poly" confession.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Overdone

GROUNDPOUNDER said:


> Good luck. AND DON'T BACK OUT, EVER.


Love this!


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## GROUNDPOUNDER

Overdone said:


> Love this!


I say this "SO LOUD" because many WS's figure they will agree to the poly-test, then either nice, or strong arm, their way out of taking it.

One of the best things I think many BS's can do to get affair info unknowingly out of their WS is to have a keylogger, phone spyware and/or VARs set up. Anounce that you'll forgive and forget all "as long as you(the WS) pass a polygraph". Then leave for a few hours.

I can almost garantee you that the WS is going to call, text, or email someone about it while the BS is gone. It may, or may not be the AP, but it'll be someone that the WS either wants to get the story straight with, or is looking for advice from.Toxic friend(s), co-worker(s), and/or family member(s) that know about the affiar(s).


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## larry.gray

GROUNDPOUNDER said:


> I say this "SO LOUD" because many WS's figure they will agree to the poly-test, then either nice, or strong arm, their way out of taking it.
> 
> One of the best things I think many BS's can do to get affair info unknowingly out of their WS is to have a keylogger, phone spyware and/or VARs set up. Anounce that you'll forgive and forget all "as long as you(the WS) pass a polygraph". Then leave for a few hours.
> 
> I can almost garantee you that the WS is going to call, text, or email someone about it while the BS is gone. It may, or may not be the AP, but it'll be someone that the WS either wants to get the story straight with, or is looking for advice from.Toxic friend(s), co-worker(s), and/or family member(s) that know about the affiar(s).


That should become the standard advice as a way to dig for info!


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## jnj express

Has your wife started IC, yet

Even with her using justification---what 34 yr old woman, with a child, and a good mge----would think they could make it in life, with a 21 yr old---who basically has nothing

That was your wife's thinking------what was she gonna do---force your child to live in a dingy little apt., and live off of your child support/alimony---once there was a D---prior to that, where was she getting her money from---the 21 yr old, who didn't have a career

Your wife was willing to throw , it all away---she may have thrown it all away---since, you are really not committed one way or the other as to D or R

Your wife knew full well, what the consequences could be---and had she wanted to stop---she could have stopped this crap AT ANY TIME--------she was WILLING to toss it all away---and unfortunately, no amount of I'm sorries---is gonna make up for what she has done to you

You will not have any more carefree days, nor peace of mind---they are gone, they are fleeting memories, they are now replaced by one lasting memory---that of her scum lover inside of your wife, a wife who WLLINGLY WANTED IT TO HAPPEN


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## ianos

Have you asked her why she agreed with him to take her home , instead of call you to pick her up, or call a taxi or ask one of
her girfriends drive her home, and let leave her car there?
Have you asked her if his cousin was with them at the bar and if he was why him her and his cousin didn't live the bar togerther and if they want .they could buy tobaco on the way home?
Her version is a litle complicated, i mean first go for tobaco then return to bar for his cousin then move to your house.
Have you pointed out to her that to have sex in a car in a public place has" technical difficulties" to put it nice and requires more than just ,he make a move and i was drung ,and got at the lust of the moment ,this could work if she was lying drung on a couch, but in a car requires from her to be involved in this, be more energetic and help things out .
As others said you might learn much more from her polly ,which i don't wish it for you but you must be prepared.
Because seems like this all thing was prepense by her.


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## weightlifter

GROUNDPOUNDER said:


> I say this "SO LOUD" because many WS's figure they will agree to the poly-test, then either nice, or strong arm, their way out of taking it.
> 
> One of the best things I think many BS's can do to get affair info unknowingly out of their WS is to have a keylogger, phone spyware and/or VARs set up. Anounce that you'll forgive and forget all "as long as you(the WS) pass a polygraph". Then leave for a few hours.
> 
> I can almost garantee you that the WS is going to call, text, or email someone about it while the BS is gone. It may, or may not be the AP, but it'll be someone that the WS either wants to get the story straight with, or is looking for advice from.Toxic friend(s), co-worker(s), and/or family member(s) that know about the affiar(s).


Effing brilliant. Just copy pasted that into my TAM document with you noted of course.


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## Shaggy

GROUNDPOUNDER said:


> I say this "SO LOUD" because many WS's figure they will agree to the poly-test, then either nice, or strong arm, their way out of taking it.
> 
> One of the best things I think many BS's can do to get affair info unknowingly out of their WS is to have a keylogger, phone spyware and/or VARs set up. Anounce that you'll forgive and forget all "as long as you(the WS) pass a polygraph". Then leave for a few hours.
> 
> I can almost garantee you that the WS is going to call, text, or email someone about it while the BS is gone. It may, or may not be the AP, but it'll be someone that the WS either wants to get the story straight with, or is looking for advice from.Toxic friend(s), co-worker(s), and/or family member(s) that know about the affiar(s).



Btw, this same strategy works when confronting but with a variation.

Puts all the monitoring in place, announce that you know what's going on, and walk out the door and leave for hours. If you know the AP allude you might be heading to talk to them,


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## Shaggy

I still suggest that your wife self exposé herself to the friends in the group she is closest to. 

I think they would have seen the two of them over the couple of months leading up to it making googlie eyes at each other.

From the OMs behavior when she stopped replying to the text flirts, he clearly was making a play for a full on relationship, not just a ONS. So everyone in the group was already talking about seeing him be a puppy dog around your wife.

So them putting him in the car to drive her, well I bet there has been a lot of talk about it, and did anything go down.

In over words they suspect already.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER

Shaggy said:


> Btw, this same strategy works when confronting but with a variation.
> 
> Puts all the monitoring in place, announce that you know what's going on, and walk out the door and leave for hours. If you know the AP allude you might be heading to talk to them,


To me, the best variant it if the BS knows the name of the AP.

They then tell the WS(with VARS in place) "How about I go talk with the AP, or the AP's Husband/Wife", to see if I can get the true story. Then leave like they are doing so.

You just know who the WS is going to phone once you "leave" to talk to the AP/Husband/Wife.

It's how I figured out who my EX was boinking. Though she didn't give many specifics during her warning call to the AP, she said his name a few times during the call. She also mentioned a hotel. That's how I bagged her.


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## Shaggy

GROUNDPOUNDER said:


> To me, the best variant it if the BS knows the name of the AP.
> 
> They then tell the WS(with VARS in place) "How about I go talk with the AP, or the AP's Husband/Wife", to see if I can get the true story. Then leave like they are doing so.
> 
> You just know who the WS is going to phone once you "leave" to talk to the AP/Husband/Wife.
> 
> It's how I figured out who my EX was boinking. Though she didn't give many specifics during her warning call to the AP, she said his name a few times during the call. She also mentioned a hotel. That's how I bagged her.



You can really force their hand here if you do the above, but have the conversation with them on your cell phone. It goes like this,

Hi hon. So I'm in front of Xs house and I see his wife is home, so I'm just going to be popping in to chat with her for a little while about things. I didn't want you to worry when I don't come home.

Gotta go, she answering the door.

Bye.

--

If OM is home you'll be hearing the phone going off in the background!


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