# Found out he's married



## messymaddie (Dec 12, 2013)

Just found out the guy I was seeing is married and has a young baby. He'd lied to me for years about being single/having a girlfriend/god knows what is going on in his life really. I'm sure I'm not the first person this has happened to. 

Unfortunately, I was/am crazy about him in a never-felt-like-this-about-anyone-else kind of way... and he'd told me he felt the same.

Am sensible enough to appreciate that he is clearly a bit of an arse, and of course I can't just wait around to see if he ever leaves his wife - can I? 

But how do you get over something like this? How can I stop wanting him?


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Simple: Inform his wife of his activities, and that'll blow it up faster than an A-bomb. He'll more than likely throw you under the bus, and your attraction to him will drop.

Seriously, if they cheat with you, they'll cheat ON you. Do you really want a future with a jerk like this?


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

messymaddie said:


> Just found out the guy I was seeing is married and has a young baby. He'd lied to me for years about being single/having a girlfriend/god knows what is going on in his life really. I'm sure I'm not the first person this has happened to.
> 
> Unfortunately, I was/am crazy about him in a never-felt-like-this-about-anyone-else kind of way... and he'd told me he felt the same.
> 
> ...


just look at his true charachter!.........hes a scumbag lier and cheat whats to desire about that. and most likley he would be doing this to you if you were his wife at home with his baby!

if that doesn't turn you off then .......therapy might be in order.


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## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

You just have to give it time. Cut off all contact and just pretend he died. Grieve as you need to and eventually, I promise, you will get over him.

Do NOT wait around. He won't leave his wife. I see no value in telling her, because you may harm yourself in the process. You may think that by telling her she will throw him out and he will be yours. Well, he probably won't, and if he is it will only be because he needs a roof over his head. If he sticks around you will forever be tied to the ex wife because they have a child together and she will forever hate you as the marriage wrecker. It is just SO not worth it.

I got involved with a married man when I was in my late teens and still at school. His wife was pregnant at the time. He gave me all the sweet talking too. I thought he would leave her and marry me. Madness. :scratchhead: I never did actually have sex with him but we did everything else. He was in a position of authority linked to the school and looking back on it I should have reported him. But I loved him! (or so I thought).

Finding out the truth about him means that you have had a lucky escape. He could have strung you along for years otherwise. I know it won't feel very lucky to you right now, but when you look back on this in a couple of years time you will see it for what it is.

Good luck to you - I know what it feels like. Stay strong.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Yeah, tell his wife and maybe she'll kick him out, then you can have a guy that ran around on his wife and baby. What a prize! Did it occur to you that he tells you lies about how he feels so you'll keep putting out? See to you this means something but to him you're just a cheap side piece of a$$. 
You get one pass because you didn't know he was married, but if you spread your legs one more time for this scumbag you're as big of a pos as he is.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Laurel (Oct 14, 2013)

Well, since he has proven to be a liar, I wouldn't put much stock in his "feel the same" statement. If he "felt the same," he wouldn't have started a family with his wife and wouldn't still be with her (you say this has been going on for "years," yet he has a "young" baby). He is just telling you what you want to hear so he can continue to sleep with you on the side.

By the way, how did he keep you in the dark about his marital status for years? You never thought it was strange you couldn't go to his home or that you never met his family? Did he take you out in public?

He may try to tell you a bunch of crap about how unhappy his marriage is, how much of a shrew his wife is, blah blah, to keep you on the hook and make you think sleeping with a married man is justified because of these special circumstances. Just remember he is a liar. And if you continue the affair now that you know he is married, that means you are a willing participant in cheating and deserve whatever comes your way because of it.

When affairs are blown open, the cheater usually picks the spouse, not the mistress. And even if he does end up picking the mistress (usually because the wife kicked him out), the statistics of a relationship that started as an affair lasting long term is miniscule. When the mistress becomes the new wife, it leaves a job opening. You may not even be his only mistress right now.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

messymaddie said:


> Just found out the guy I was seeing is married and has a young baby. He'd lied to me for years



I'm sorry, but I find it very hard to believe you could date someone for "years" without knowing they were married. 

Didn't it seem strange that he never took you to his home? That after years you still didn't meet his family? This doesn't make sense to me.


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## Brook (Dec 9, 2013)

messymaddie said:


> Just found out the guy I was seeing is married and has a young baby. He'd lied to me for years about being single/having a girlfriend/god knows what is going on in his life really. I'm sure I'm not the first person this has happened to.
> 
> Unfortunately, I was/am crazy about him in a never-felt-like-this-about-anyone-else kind of way... and he'd told me he felt the same.
> 
> ...


Surely this alone tells you what sort of man he is then. I say you had a lucky escape by finding this out now. You say you cant stop thinking about him now, well just think what is would have been like in the long wrong.

I cant stand affairs, they destroy people.

I feel sorry for his wife who obviously does know what sort of man she is married to.

Hes been deceitful to her, and you. Yes he says that hes never felt this way about anybody before to you, but you also do not know what hes saying to her.

You have had a lucky escape. It feels raw now, but you will get over it.


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## U.E. McGill (Nov 27, 2013)

My cousin fell in love with a married man. Didn't know he was married until she was head over heels. He told he "she was the one but it was complicated"

She had a whoops, thought surely "now he'll leave her and we can be a happy family". 3 years later it's still complicated. He finally announces "I'm leaving her!"

He promptly moved in with his new girl (not my cousin). He's had three wives since.


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## Sandfly (Dec 8, 2013)

Dear OP!

The sentence "about being single/having a girlfriend" is a bit non-commital. Perhaps you mean, he told you he had a girlfriend, then he told you he was single again, then back to the girlfriend... Please don't be ambiguous because you'll get a different answer according to the info you supply.

Reading between the lines, it didn't matter that he had someone else, but you didn't want to know about the details? It still doesn't matter, so this is not the problem. Your real question seems to be 'Is he worth waiting for?'

You want to know what his intentions are, right?

Putting myself in his shoes, I would be happy with things the way they are. Having a young bit on the side as well as a family is a comfortable situation, and it could last for a decade that way. When you have more than one woman, you can love both - contrary to the current dogma - in the sense that you can care deeply about both, and their feelings, at the same time. But in my shadier days, there was always one I would choose if I were forced to choose, and the danger for you is, that it probably wouldn't be the new one /slash/ the one who is more 'fun'. This will sound like a cruel irony, but I would always pick the one who was more 'honest' over the one who knew what a rat I was and still thought it was 'OK'.

But it depends on the quality of the information you supply. If he had mentioned to you he was already in a relationship and you went ahead anyway (something I would do) then he's already disposed of any guilt for the relationship onto you. I imagine he's quite happy when he's around you. The danger to him now, is that you'll upset the cosy family life out of spite. So now he's stuck!

In my opinion, you will be waiting a long time for him to choose you over the other woman. He's had a kid with her and married her, and even if he's a complete weasel, his actions suggest that he feels more commitment to her, and he wouldn't leave her for you unless she started playing mind games herself.

So if you have other options, I'd just break off and pursue them before we end up with another screwed up kid without a family life. But that's Logic, and the Right Thing To Do, and these options clearly have nothing to do with overpowering feelings, so...

Now you might be thinking two things: a) How Dare He (must get revenge) and b) That's All Very Well, But My Feelings Are So Strong. Those are both pretty destructive, and you can't help how you feel obviously. But you don't have to take immediate irrevocable action. How about just taking a week off work to get away from your home town, no contact with the fella at all (important) and see how you truly feel with a bit of distance.

Then you could come back here and tell us what you've discovered about your feelings after a bit of time and distance.

All the best!


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## Davelli0331 (Apr 29, 2011)

I'm also wondering how you could have been with this guy for years and still not figured out that he was married.


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## Sandfly (Dec 8, 2013)

Right now I'm listening to Fleetwood Mac (again!) Here's something that might make sense:

Fleetwood Mac - Dreams [with lyrics] - YouTube

a) It's only right that you should
Play the way you feel it

b) But listen carefully to the sound
Of your loneliness
Like a heartbeat drives you mad
In the stillness of remembering 
What you had
And what you lost...

Oh, c) thunder only happens when it's raining
d) Players only love you when they're playing
Say, women...they will come and they will go
e) When the rain washes you clean, you'll know

Interpretation:

A - you can't help how you feel, but
B - is this situation making you feel lonelier?
C - sometimes we mistake 'something missing' for attachment
D - his love may well just cut off if forced to choose
E - with a bit of proper distance all will become clear


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

I agree with the PP........ How did you not know he was married. Genuine Question.

If hes married stay well clear. Your better off without him. Find somebody who deserves you, not someone who's a deceitful git.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Laugh it off and move on.
Why laugh? Because this guy is ridiculous. Don't join him in that.
Do your homework next time.


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## PAgirl (Sep 10, 2013)

Davelli0331 said:


> I'm also wondering how you could have been with this guy for years and still not figured out that he was married.


EXACTLY what I was wondering!! I cant believe you are questioning this. He lied to you for YEARS and betrayed his family. GET OUT NOW!


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## Sandfly (Dec 8, 2013)

I also think it won't go the way she wants it to.

However, PA girl and Homemaker

When was the last time you ignored strong feelings altogether and just 'dropped everything' to do the right thing? Be honest with yourselves. 

Because if it weren't for men's egos and women's feelings, this website wouldn't be here.

How about she try a mini-version of 'dropping everything' and do non-contact and a week away having fun and meeting new people? Then the desire to drop it might come from inside.


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## sh987 (Oct 10, 2013)

messymaddie said:


> Am sensible enough to appreciate that *he is clearly a bit of an arse,* and of course I can't just wait around to see if he ever leaves his wife - can I?


And that was my morning tea spit up onto my sweater.

A *bit* of an arse? LOL

If your boyfriend lets a door shut in your face rather than hold it, he's a bit of an arse. If you find out he's married with a kid, he's a far sight more than that.

Let his wife in on the secret, drop contact, and move on to better things.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

F-102 said:


> Simple: Inform his wife of his activities, and that'll blow it up faster than an A-bomb. He'll more than likely throw you under the bus, and your attraction to him will drop.
> 
> Seriously, if they cheat with you, they'll cheat ON you. Do you really want a future with a jerk like this?


Well, what do you know? I finally got first crack at a thread!


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## messymaddie (Dec 12, 2013)

In answer to 'how did I not know he was married' - we met through work, only saw each other at a conference once a year for the first few years (and hooked up each time), he always told me he was single. He lives in a different town. Our friendship/relationship grew over email, and then earlier this year he told me he'd got himself a girlfriend. Over the summer we met up for the first time 'as friends for dinner' (at his request), and things spiralled from there. 

I was under the impression (well, he said) that he'd realised he felt more strongly for me than for the girlfriend, and was going to leave her. My fault for getting to carried away and jumping into things before he did that. Big emotional declarations were made, it all went along quite excitingly for a while, then he started pulling away, I got fed up and called time on it. 

A week or so later (via Facebook, where else, even though he's not on it) I discovered that this wife and baby existed - god knows if the supposed girlfriend was ever real or not. His capacity to lie has astounded me, and yes I have learnt a rather hard lesson! 

Thanks for all the constructive advice though. I guess I'm just hoping with time the feelings will pass and I'll truly believe that it never would have worked. 

And no, I have no intention/desire to tell his wife. It's his mess and either he will pull himself together and get on with his marriage, admit that he's not happy and leave (this is the bit that makes me think what if...) or she will find him cheating with someone else and the whole thing will implode around him.


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

messymaddie said:


> In answer to 'how did I not know he was married' - we met through work, only saw each other at a conference once a year for the first few years (and hooked up each time), he always told me he was single. He lives in a different town. Our friendship/relationship grew over email, and then earlier this year he told me he'd got himself a girlfriend. Over the summer we met up for the first time 'as friends for dinner' (at his request), and things spiralled from there.
> 
> I was under the impression (well, he said) that he'd realised he felt more strongly for me than for the girlfriend, and was going to leave her. My fault for getting to carried away and jumping into things before he did that. Big emotional declarations were made, it all went along quite excitingly for a while, then he started pulling away, I got fed up and called time on it.
> 
> ...


It will implode around him. Your better off out of it. You have feelings for him, but they'll pass. You deserve better.... And so does his wife. Poor her.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Sandfly said:


> I also think it won't go the way she wants it to.
> 
> However, PA girl and Homemaker
> 
> ...


November 2012 and May 2013, also June 2011 when moved out of ex-husband's home. I have no problem with dropping man like hot potato when I find out he's a liar and wants to have more than one woman. Ewwwww, nasty. Are you saying that I'm dishonest with myself and also have no self respect and would prefer to sleep with these guys in self-deceit? Get real. And remember, when you point one finger at someone else, you are pointing the rest back at yourself. 

I never give anyone advice I don't follow myself.
Duh? You think I am an armchair person?


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## Sandfly (Dec 8, 2013)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> November 2012 and May 2013, also June 2011 when moved out of ex-husband's home. I have no problem with dropping man like hot potato when I find out he's a liar and wants to have more than one woman. Ewwwww, nasty. Are you saying that I'm dishonest with myself and also have no self respect and would prefer to sleep with these guys in self-deceit? Get real. And remember, when you point one finger at someone else, you are pointing the rest back at yourself.
> 
> I never give anyone advice I don't follow myself.
> Duh? You think I am an armchair person?


OK, but you're forgetting the actual context. In your case, you found out that he was a cheat and dropped it. No more situation. 

In the OP's case, she found out he was cheating somebody... but she still turned up for dinner, and made all the other choices subsequently. She is now asking 'now that I found out he is married...' so she already crossed the Rubicon, chose to take feelings over doing the right thing.

With this in perspective, her question is 'how do I deal with these feelings?' rather than 'what's the right thing to do?' coz frankly, she chose 'what feels good' over 'what's best for me' a while back.

But now people come on here demanding that she hoist the flag for strong independent beyonces. It's not going to happen like that, it's beyond the contemplation stage, now she has a situation to deal with.

I appreciate that the idea of shagging a walking VD clinic doesn't appeal to you, and I admire you for it.

In this situation, where that's not the problem, what is the answer? So I suggested there's something in her, like a loneliness that she is mistaking for love, which she could first work on, taking herself away from the situation. This is because her feelings are much stronger than her outrage, but a bit of detachment and away time and I believe she will come up with the right answer, and think seriously about moving on.

So my question really was: when your feelings are this strong, can you really say you just drop them? If so, I've never met a woman like you, I regret to say.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Sandfly said:


> OK, but you're forgetting the actual context. In your case, you found out that he was a cheat and dropped it. No more situation.
> 
> In the OP's case, she found out he was cheating somebody... but she still turned up for dinner, and made all the other choices subsequently. She is now asking 'now that I found out he is married...' so she already crossed the Rubicon, chose to take feelings over doing the right thing.
> 
> ...


There are ALWAYS feelings and there is ALWAYS history. I was obviously seriously involved with each guy since the relationships were intimate. The thing is, you have to follow the facts, not the feelings, since feelings obviously led you astray from where you belonged. 

People like to live a story, not a lie. Realizing you have been living a lie is disturbing, but to continue to cling to that lie is even more disturbing. 

It has nothing to do with strength at all. It takes a lot of strength to live a lie, to live the truth is quite an easy thing to do.

The feelings will be of little consequence due to the feeling of relief she will find at simply laughing it off and moving on. You can't gradually create an "un-lie" from a lie and ease yourself out of it.

As for VD clinic, hello, have you heard of condoms? And your assumption is also that the guy's wife is clean. Because somehow she is a victim. We don't know that. She has a baby. Even madonnas have sex, and who's to say with how many? It only takes once to make a baby, but who knows how many people the wife was shagging?


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## Sandfly (Dec 8, 2013)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> There are ALWAYS feelings and there is ALWAYS history. I was obviously seriously involved with each guy since the relationships were intimate. The thing is, you have to follow the facts, not the feelings, since feelings obviously led you astray from where you belonged.
> 
> People like to live a story, not a lie. Realizing you have been living a lie is disturbing, but to continue to cling to that lie is even more disturbing.
> 
> ...


1. OK, well logic is fine in theory, but the nature of feelings is to override commonsense and logic. Else the situation wouldn't occur. It's not normal to substitute sarcasm for explanation: 

"As for VD clinic, hello, have you heard of condoms?" 

and previous post where you try to pass off an accusation you invented as my words:

"Are you saying that I'm dishonest with myself and also have no self respect and would prefer to sleep with these guys in self-deceit? Get real." and:

"Duh? You think I am an armchair person?" - pretty emotional yourself. You can't see that I'm trying to understand where she is, that I've tried to be civil to you, so as the classic line states:

"I'm sorry you feel that way."

2. People don't tend to remember the condoms when they are cheating, wives tend to notice when their husbands carry condoms in their pockets to work.

3. There's a lot we don't know. Maybe his wife is normally as frigid as the queen of Narnia, maybe she looks like the elephant man's uglier elder sister. I can only comment on how the man sees the situation, and whatever she is like, the fact that he is staying with his wife and has a kid tells me what I need to know. I hope she finds the male perspective on offer useful... I feel no need to judge because....

Other people have proven more than capable of supplying judgement.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Maddie, what if the situation were reversed? Would you truly not want the information so that you could make informed choices regarding fundamental areas of your life? Health, security, finances? Would you prefer to continue making choices, thinking you were in a safe, committed relationship, maybe have more children with a possibly lying cheat? Who knows what the true situation is, but doesn't she deserve to know the circumstances of her life?


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

The man is known to be a liar. Therefore his statements and presumed actions mean nothing. OP bought into a lie for years. Therefore any information she gives could be clouded. 

Logic can be followed while still having feelings. The thing is to know that feelings are fleeting, they will dissipate, people recover from betrayal and from feelings of "love" that they feel for the liar. The future can be changed, the past cannot. That's why it's important to move on, ASAP. Not cohabiting or co-mingling finances is still a dating situation, and should be moved on from. The simple easy and most effective way to move away from the "feelings" is to not pick up the phone or answer emails. 

This isn't a guy thing, it's a woman thing. Woman get feelings for guys after they have been intimate. This guy is a manipulative cheater who has toyed with a woman, hoovering up her time and energy and making a mockery of her dreams, all for the sake of another notch on his Big Stick. There are a lot of men out there who are cheating manipulators like this one. So it's good for single women to have a surefire strategy for dealing with them.

Magical thinking like you are going to show him what love really means, that you will be the one who "straightens him out", fixes his thinking, etc. is just that, "magical." If the guy has lied in order to be intimate with you, understand that no good can come to you out of your "feelings" for him.

Drop the guy like he's poison and avoid at all costs. 
Practice makes perfect.
Drag yourself to the clinic and get the tests, as you should, if you really care for yourself. Then make a list of all the things you tabled in your life in order to put the "relationship" as a focus or priority as something desirable you wanted for your life, and put your energy into those things. Give to yourself, it will help with the "feelings" side. 

Live and learn. No big deal in the end, especially if he didn't manage to make off with any of your assets, you're not pregnant, and you didn't catch anything.


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## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

SadandAngry said:


> Maddie, what if the situation were reversed? Would you truly not want the information so that you could make informed choices regarding fundamental areas of your life? Health, security, finances? Would you prefer to continue making choices, thinking you were in a safe, committed relationship, maybe have more children with a possibly lying cheat? Who knows what the true situation is, but doesn't she deserve to know the circumstances of her life?


I can't speak for Maddie, but I can say that if I were the wife the last thing in the world I would want is the other woman turning up and telling me all about my husband's philandering. For all we know, the wife suspects but is turning a blind eye to keep the family together for the baby. It is a bit difficult to keep turning a blind eye if your hand is forced by the other woman turning up and poking her nose in.

No good will come of Maddie telling the wife in my view.


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## sparc101 (Oct 21, 2013)

messymaddie said:


> How can I stop wanting him?


Simple... want someone else.
There are many other married men out there that would be just as good.

... I meant "other men"..


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

ClimbingTheWalls said:


> I can't speak for Maddie, but I can say that if I were the wife the last thing in the world I would want is the other woman turning up and telling me all about my husband's philandering. For all we know, the wife suspects but is turning a blind eye to keep the family together for the baby. It is a bit difficult to keep turning a blind eye if your hand is forced by the other woman turning up and poking her nose in.
> sqw
> No good will come of Maddie telling the wife in my view.


Knowledge never forces anyone's hand. If your assumption is correct, she can continue to ignore the information. It isn't up to anyone else to decide on her behalf what is good for her. She makes her own choices, and she should have any relevant information. imho.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

messymaddie said:


> In answer to 'how did I not know he was married' - we met through work, only saw each other at a conference once a year for the first few years (and hooked up each time), he always told me he was single. He lives in a different town. Our friendship/relationship grew over email, and then earlier this year he told me he'd got himself a girlfriend. Over the summer we met up for the first time 'as friends for dinner' (at his request), and things spiralled from there.
> 
> I was under the impression (well, he said) that he'd realised he felt more strongly for me than for the girlfriend, and was going to leave her. My fault for getting to carried away and jumping into things before he did that. Big emotional declarations were made, it all went along quite excitingly for a while, then he started pulling away, I got fed up and called time on it.
> 
> ...


Maddie,
That which has happened to you is on of the oldest tricks in a middle aged male cheater's handbook.
It's been around even before the internet, before Atari games or even World War II.
So here's what you do.
Either cut your losses and leave silently,or kick down the door and let the bullets rip.


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## Chana (Sep 14, 2013)

The person you love doesn't exist, only the lie he presented you with. You haven't said that you've stopped contact with him but if you want your feelings to stop, you need to leave him alone, and focus your thoughts elsewhere.

Even if the 'what if ...' (leaving his wife) happened, why would you want him? Really, why?


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## NewlyWed2000 (Oct 8, 2013)

messymaddie said:


> In answer to 'how did I not know he was married' - we met through work, only saw each other at a conference once a year for the first few years (and hooked up each time), he always told me he was single. He lives in a different town. Our friendship/relationship grew over email, and then earlier this year he told me he'd got himself a girlfriend. Over the summer we met up for the first time 'as friends for dinner' (at his request), and things spiralled from there.
> 
> I was under the impression (well, he said) that he'd realised he felt more strongly for me than for the girlfriend, and was going to leave her. My fault for getting to carried away and jumping into things before he did that. Big emotional declarations were made, it all went along quite excitingly for a while, then he started pulling away, I got fed up and called time on it.
> 
> ...


I think enough people have already told you, move on.

If you think you could ever trust someone who's done something like this I would also get some therapy yourself. 

Just be thankful you avoided even more heartbreak. When his wife finds out it's obviously going to be far more painful for her.

I can't stand people like this, terrible, selfish human beings.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Men like this are very cunning, tell you what you want to hear, love you to death and the relationships are very intense in the beginning. He tells you over and over that he finally found his true love and that's why his other relationships didn't work out, he just did not love them as much as he loves you. He tells you he could not imagine life without you.

Lady, if you stay, he will be telling some other girl the same story and it will be you he is cheating on. I know this is not something you want to believe because you feel he is being real, being sincere. He is but only for right now. He is speaking in the moment but these men cannot be devoted to just one woman.

I know this because I married a man like this, my first husband. We had 2 children together, he was the love of my life. When we divorced 7 years later he was having an affair with an older woman. I later found out that he had cheated throughout our whole marriage. He then cheated on the older lady he had the affair with. He married another lady soon after they broke up, he was unfaithful to her, they divorced. He was dating several women at the same time after his second divorce and decided on one to live with but did not stop seeing the other women. That girlfriend left and then came back as I am sure he made all kinds of promises that he was no longer seeing anyone else. The man is 52 and has never been faithful to one woman in his life.

One of my girlfriends who I had been friends with since 4th grade stopped coming to the house and I could not understand why. When we divorced she told me that my husband had been coming on to her and making eyes at her behind my back when she was in the house. One of our babysitters had sex with my first husband and she must have had a conscience because she told me that he would catch her in the kitchen with me in the house and start kissing on her. Another babysitter told me that she had to leave town because she was falling in love with my husband, very manipulative man, and this is what you have.

Run! I know it is not what you want to do but you deserve better. You will only be hurt if you do not. Do not think about your emotional love for this man right now, think logically what is best for you. It is plain as day, he's been lying to you from the start. If he has the potential to do this to his wife and child, he will do it to you.

There is one more thing I would suggest here, contact the wife and explain yourself, apologize to her. Let her know that you were not told the truth. She has a right to know and this will make you feel better about the situation. I was very very thankful for those who came forward with me and told me what had happened.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

messymaddie said:


> Just found out the guy I was seeing is married and has a young baby. He'd lied to me for years ...But how do you get over something like this? How can I stop wanting him?


One post wonder posted a blunder and read what everyone said.
Will she reply or let the post die with maddie made a mess on her thread? OP?


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

AVR1962 said:


> Men like this are very cunning, tell you what you want to hear, love you to death and the relationships are very intense in the beginning. He tells you over and over that he finally found his true love and that's why his other relationships didn't work out, he just did not love them as much as he loves you. He tells you he could not imagine life without you.
> 
> Lady, if you stay, he will be telling some other girl the same story and it will be you he is cheating on. I know this is not something you want to believe because you feel he is being real, being sincere. He is but only for right now. He is speaking in the moment but these men cannot be devoted to just one woman.
> 
> ...


Awesome post AVR!


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

i think everyone here has given you good advice... 
i just want to point out one thing.

you are in the fog. basically, you are experiencing what most people experience at the beginning of a new relationship, a euphoric feeling that comes from a huge amount of dopamine. biologically, its the thing that motivates us to find a mate to begin with. 

i just want you to keep one thing in mind: it is physically impossible for the high to last forever. so, at some point, you will be next to him and you will not feel love. will you be able to trust him, knowing that he prefers to look outside of his marriage to satisfy his needs, rather than talk to his wife work his issues out with her?

at some point, the euphoria will end. at that point, can you trust him? 

i think you already know what you need to do. might as well get it done sooner so you can move on.


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## messymaddie (Dec 12, 2013)

Thanks for the additional comments that have come in over the weekend (yes, I am still here - and really appreciate all your help!) 

I have stopped all contact (well, actually it had stopped already), it was more just the shock of discovering this when I suppose a teeny bit of me had always hoped 'one day'... clearly not going to happen now. 

A few extra days have given me a bit of space and of course, yes, the best and only thing to do is move on. Still hurts, and part of me doesn't want to let go. Can't believe he took the huge step of actually asking someone to marry him and then behaves like this - doesn't make sense to me. And if I do ever run into him again that won't be easy. 

I think somewhere in all of this I started relying on him for my happiness - and of course that never works. Every time I think back to any message or email he ever sent me, I am still somewhat shocked to realise that pretty much all of them must've had at least one lie in - who he was with, what he was doing etc. How can someone lie like that?! Baffling. And not wanting to tell someone about your beautiful child is just sad  

His wife does have a right to know, but it is him that should be telling her (or not have married her in the first place). If there wasn't a baby I might be more tempted to expose him, but in this situation it is not my place.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Really? You don't think it is your place? Of course it is his place, but he has shown he has no character. Typically, he will never tell her anything she can't prove, and she may not suspect anything, because he carried on with you while he was away from her correct?

I know it's your choice, and clearly you would feel incredibly uncomfortable exposing, but don't use the baby as an excuse. You aren't doing the baby or the wife any favours. You simply lack the courage to step up and face a difficult situation. My wife's OM had gotten his wife pregnant, my wife tried to use that as a reason I should not inform her of her husband's infidelity. BS. It wasn't me who made the choices that created a bad situation, and I damn sure was not going to be complicit in his web of treachery and deceit. Now she knows exactly what he is capable of, and which behaviours should set alarm bells ringing for her.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

In the first post you said he said he was single / had a girlfriend....so you knew you were the side chick.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

messymaddie said:


> Thanks for the additional comments that have come in over the weekend (yes, I am still here - and really appreciate all your help!)
> 
> I have stopped all contact (well, actually it had stopped already), it was more just the shock of discovering this when I suppose a teeny bit of me had always hoped 'one day'... clearly not going to happen now.
> 
> ...



This brings back some bad memories for me. At least you are the type that has the decency to keep your self respect and dignity in tact. My situations weren't as nice. Some mistresses are total scum, and even those who "had no idea" decided that it would be fun to try and compete with the wife once they found out. Waste of time. They never won. Not that I was competing.  

Guys like this don't leave their wives ever. Even if he did choose to leave later in life "for you" lets say, he's not worth it. Imagine what his wife will feel when she finds out about you or his other flings, and picture yourself in her shoes. It's such a mess. Please don't ever get with a guy like this again. 

If you ever meet someone who is very secretive, and doesn't make you feel like he's doing his all to involve you in his life..then don't bother. He's either a player, married, self absorbed, or some other negative being. I watched my own sister go through this for a while with some guy she had feelings for. He would text for a week, and then ignore her for another week. He would show up at random times to see her. From my experience, I knew he was lying about something...what it was...I don't know. But there was a trend happening, and it wasn't good (I figured he was married or dating someone else). So I told her, and she dumped him. 

Not to mention the amount of times I've watched mistresses get in a huff puff over being thrown to the curb by my own husband. It's disturbing to say the least. 

Anyway, whatever you do...never let a man use you or make you feel like you're not special. Because those are the kind who will kill your self esteem.


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## hereinthemidwest (Oct 7, 2010)

Davelli0331 said:


> I'm also wondering how you could have been with this guy for years and still not figured out that he was married.


Blind in one eye and can't see out of the other. HOGWASH:rofl:


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Methinks that this is a Zombie thread.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

F-102 said:


> Methinks that this is a Zombie thread.


It's just over a month old... In TAM years, that's still a puppy!

C


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

tell the poor woman for crying out loud.

or in my opinion your just as bad as him!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

messymaddie said:


> Just found out the guy I was seeing is married and has a young baby. *He'd lied to me for years* about being single/having a girlfriend/god knows what is going on in his life really. I'm sure I'm not the first person this has happened to.


I am really curiuos to know how you spent YEARS with a man and never knew he was involved with someone else, married?

:scratchhead:

I don't get it.

Nonetheless, he is not worth your time, dear. You have already spent years pining over someone who lied to you to you and not committed to you. 

Move on and never look back.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> I am really curiuos to know how you spent YEARS with a man and never knew he was involved with someone else, married?
> 
> :scratchhead:
> 
> ...


In post 19, she explains that she only saw him a few times a year. 

Philandering men are always going to look for someone who is not too demanding. OP if you had started to escalate the relationship, ie asking to meet his friends and family, you may have learned much sooner that he was married.

I think some dating guides advise women not to ask too many questions, ie it makes them look too interested and too nosy. And if it's specifically about the other women that might be seeing, the woman is worried that she is coming across as jealous and insecure.


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## someone90 (May 31, 2013)

chillymorn said:


> just look at his true charachter!.........hes a scumbag lier and cheat whats to desire about that. and most likley he would be doing this to you if you were his wife at home with his baby!
> 
> if that doesn't turn you off then .......therapy might be in order.


Exactly. And how did you not know for a year? Are you really that clueless?


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