# Betrayal and depression??



## dan681 (Nov 24, 2009)

I've been married for 14 years. I just recently found out that my wife had an affair. She also told me that she had been lying and doing cocaine for @ three years. We went to our first marriage counseling session last night. I am trying to make this work. The counseler really made it hard on my wife to lie anymore. She was very uncomfortable. During the session, she was asked "why do you love your husband?" She couldn't think of anything??? All she came up with is "I support her." What the heck?? She was then asked what she fell in love with me in the first place. Her response was to get defensive and mutter" it wasn't all nice."??? I don't know what to make of all this??? It almost seems like she doesn't want this to work out at all. She continually blames me for her mistakes. I am trying to be a better man and forgive her, but her actions are making it harder and harder!!


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## Ditajr (Nov 24, 2009)

Which came first, the cocaine use or the affair?


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## dan681 (Nov 24, 2009)

They both started around the same time. At this time, her brother was breaking into our house and stealing from us. He was hooked on heroine. I asked her to stand up to him for us and she refused. At this point, @ 3 years ago, I thought our marriage was done. She did also, and had the affair and started using coke. A few months later, I caught her brother in my cellar, and had him arresteed. We were never closer!! We cried in each others arms, and professed our love of each other. Little did I know that she just had an affair, and was lying and using coke. A few weeks back, she started acting strangely?? I caught her in a lie, and she admitted that she was using coke. A few days later, as we were tring to discuss it, she admitted to the affair. We kept arguing for days about it. I wanted to know the names of her friends that she was using with. She refused to give up the names, be she gave up the name of the guy she slept with??? Why would she protect her coke friends??? Does she have feeling for them??? Is she still lying to me about somthing?? I am so confused!!!


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## Ditajr (Nov 24, 2009)

Oh dear, none of this sounds good. I don't know about you, but the drug use in my book, is just as bad as the affair. Is she saying she wants to work it out with you? Is she still in contact with the other guy? And is she saying that she is going to try to stop using coke?


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## dan681 (Nov 24, 2009)

She says that she is going to stop the coke use. She also states that she has never seen the guy since the "one nite stand"??? I don't know what to beleive anymore. She says that she wants to make the marriage work?? Is this also a lie?? She does not seem to committed to this relationship. She keeps blaming me for all this??


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## Ditajr (Nov 24, 2009)

I don't know why she would lie about wanting to make the marriage work. But I can see someone lying about stopping the drug use. She may think she can hide that a little better from you. That being said, I think the fact that it was a one night stand is somewhat better than it being an ongoing affair with actual emotion involved. Not that it's an excuse, but maybe the coke affected her in a way that made her unable to make good choices. Again, certainly not an excuse. As someone who has cheated, one of the first things you do, is blame the other person. Whether or not it's valid, has to be determined by those involved. In the end, it was her choice to cheat and most likely anything you may or may not have done to her isn't a good reason for her to stray.


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## dan681 (Nov 24, 2009)

But I have issues with beleiving what she says. She has been lieing to me for years, why should I believe her now?? I asked her about the drug use, and she gets defensive. I asked her where she got the money to get the drugs, and she said that her friends "gave" it to her??? Coke is not cheap!!! I can not see any one giving away a $50 bag of coke if your not going to get something in return?? Maybe once in a while, but not as much as she stated doing it. I would have noticed the money missing from my accounts??? Why would she protect these people?? She had no problem giving me the name of the guy she slept with, but she refuses to give me the names of the people she was doing the drugs with??? I dont know what to believe!!


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## dan681 (Nov 24, 2009)

We had our first counseling session on monday. My wife was very defensive when the counseler confronted her about some issues. She put up a wall, and would not take responsibility for anything. She even blamed me for her affair??? When she was asked why she loves me, she was silent for a couple of minutes?? The only thing she said was"He supports me."??? WTF??? I was very disappointed about this, and confronted her when we got home. She just denied it. The next day, we talked for 4 1/2 hours and made alot of progress. She accepted responsibility for her actions. She stopped blaming me for everything!! She showed remorse. This is what I've been wanting since I found out about all this ****. I still need to know some of the details about her drug usage. I think I deserve that. She agreed that she would be honest with me, and try to make an effort to save this relationship. I don't know weather to believe her or not?? I want to, but I have some reservations. In the days leading up to thanksgiving, she has been hot and cold towards me. She doesn't seem to be putting any extra effort in??


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## forwardtherapy (Nov 25, 2009)

I'm wondering from what you said whether the counselor has jumped ahead a little too far. But it is hard to say from the post. Rather than assuming Love, did the counselor first explore what feelings/ emotions were present? I expect Love is there but perhaps there are others as well and there is sense in hearing about these. In couples counseling, it is very easy to get caught up in The Blame Game. Blame loves hanging around couples counseling. Part of a therapists role is to try to keep Blame out of the sessions. Perhaps that is one place to ask your counselor to start, addressing the Blame in the relationship and in the room.


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

Is she addicted to the coke? Recreation and addiction are different. If she's an addict, and if there has been more than one affair, or if sex is involved in accessing the drugs, then the addiction needs to get dealt with before you'll get anywhere near the truth.

Ongoing affairs are addictive, too. Same pattern of lying, minimizing, blame shifting, furtiveness. There's a saying, "believe none of what you hear and only half of what you see" while she's in this mess. 

Her actions will tell you more than her words. If she stay's home at night, is forthcoming with her whereabouts, takes steps to make amends and give you a measure of comfort and safety, takes responsibility for righting wrongs, you have hope.

More likely it will be a few days or weeks of effort on her part, then some justification to go back to how she was behaving.

I doubt marriage counselling will help much until she gets some individual counselling and figures out what the hell she is doing and why.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

A lie detector test would be useful.

Your druggie, lying, cheating wife has FAR MORE going on than she has told you.


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## forwardtherapy (Nov 25, 2009)

You said "I still need to know some of the details about her drug usage. I think I deserve that."

What details do you need and why is it important for you to have them, now that she has taken shown some responsibility and remorse?


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## dan681 (Nov 24, 2009)

I want to know who she was with and when. She has been lieing to me for years, and unless she is willing to come clean, I dont know if I can forgive her. There is more to her story then she is telling me!! As much as it is going to hurt me, I need her to be honest to me. That is a start. We made progress last night. We talked for 5 hours, trying to resolve some problems. After making lots of progress, and her being honest with me, she says, "what if I slept around on you last month?" She tought it was a joke, but it is to soon to be making these references about her infedlity??? Why would she say that if she isnt guilty??? We made so much progress, and she is willing to throw this under the bus?? I dont know what to believe anymore?? I am making an efort?? When is she going to try??? Am I supposed to believe everything she says?? I dont!! She has hurt me so bad, and I am still trying to forgive her??? When will she be honest with me?? I never asked her about the affair, I just want to know why???  Its easy for her to blame me for all of this, But she has a hard time acepting responsibility for what she has done. I appreciate any input, beacause I am so confused!!!


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## dan681 (Nov 24, 2009)

I tried again to make a connection with my wife. We went to my fathers house for his birthday party, then afterwards we went out and had a few drinks. I know that alcohol isnt supposed to help, but it helps us?? We can be uninhibited, and speak our feelings. After we got home, I gave her a sensoual massage, with out asking for sex!! It happens to be that time of the month. I took care of myself afterwards?? She still seems so distant?? Sometimes shes happy. and flick the switch, and she is miserable?? I cant figure out her mood changes?? I am making an effort to do the right thing. I cant wait till our next counseling session, which is scheduled for next thursday. good luck to all!!


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## dan681 (Nov 24, 2009)

Another day, another fight!! I am at the end of my rope. I am tring to make every effort to save this relationship, and she isnt willing to try?? Am I that bad of a guy?? She has broken my heart for the last time!! I can not take this abuse anymore!! Either she accepts responsibility for her mistakes, and makes an effort to make things right, or I am going to ask her to leave. We have to girls that I do not want to hurt, but she is making this difficult on all of us. Everything that I have done to make this right is meaningless to her?? She is still blaming me for all this?? I didn't sleep around, or sneak around doing drugs behind her back??? Why can't she appreciate me?? Most everyone that I have talked to have said that they would not be able to get over it?? I will try counseling one more week, and see where that takes us, but I doubt that it will do any good. At least the counseler is on my side. It seems that no one else is!!


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

I think you need to re-evaluate 'your side'.

You have children, and a spouse with an obvious addictive personality. She is incapable of delivering what you need from her. But I don't doubt that she is capable of lying to you in an effort to make you believe she will deliver them.

You value the marriage. She values the security of the marriage. 

Ultimately, it is going to fall to you to make a decision - because she cannot, or will not. So, given the extent and depth of her betrayal, why are you hanging on?


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## dan681 (Nov 24, 2009)

I love her!! All of our dreams are about to be washed down the toilet. Everything that i've tried to accomplish, gone. My family, my house, my marriage, everything!! This is the hardest decision i have ever had to make. It will change the rest of my life, my kids life??


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## Tweak (Nov 18, 2009)

Sounds like,unfortunately,she was testing the waters with the "One night stand" affair to see how you would react.I would bet good money she is having sex with any and everything that comes along to feed her Coke habit.
If she is still doing the coke
You love her,you love your kids.Do the right thing for the kids and put your foot down.She is unremorseful and strung out on the coke.She is not the same woman you fell for.
Lines need to be drawn (not coke lines),she needs help to get sober and stay that way.Then you could fix the marriage. 
Best of luck to you


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## dan681 (Nov 24, 2009)

We have counseling tonight. I hope this will get her to be honest with her self!! She needs to be honest with her self before she can start bieng honest with me. She has said some pretty hurtful things recently. I think she is trying to drive me away?? I am making every effort that I can to make things right. I hope the counseler can convince her to be true to us!! I am really scared for all of us. I don't know what she really wants?? It hurts so bad!! Thanks for everyones input, it helps to talk about it.


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## forwardtherapy (Nov 25, 2009)

Let us know how it goes. It sounds like there is also a lot of Frustration there for you? Is this right? 
If it is, what difference might it make to speak of the Frustration in the counselling session?


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## dan681 (Nov 24, 2009)

I think its over. She said that she loves me, but shes not in love with me?? She continually finds ways to break my heart? I dont need this ****!! I tired of trying. This explains alot. She wont try to please me, or make it right. I wake up this morning and my truck is egged?? Her brother at it again?? Im sure that she wont stand up for me again!! I guess that it is time I stood up for myself!! I hope this thread helped someone. But it is almost at its end. I never wanted a divorce, but now, I think I do. For my own piece of mind.


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## naojkat (Dec 1, 2009)

I am amazed that despite of what your wife done to you, you do still love her. I believe that Love can change. I know she loves or maybe loved you but the problem is she was under of the influence of drugs. Maybe that is the reason why she don't appreciate you. If you love her, let her be treated in a rehabilitation center.


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## forwardtherapy (Nov 25, 2009)

How is Loving Someone different to Being in Love with someone?
What does the difference mean to a marriage?
If you managed to stand up for yourself, what might we see you doing?


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## dan681 (Nov 24, 2009)

leaving.


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## dan681 (Nov 24, 2009)

I'm trying to save this relationship, but I'm getting no effort on her part?? I am at my wits end!! My counseler told me to back off, and not try so hard?? This is very difficult for me!! I really love me wife, even after all of her failings!! But if she does not start to show something, anything towards me and our relationship, than I honestly think its over. I'm tired of being the floor mat for her emotions!! I've been reading books to try and help me understand, but it only makes me feel worse. She isn't doing anything that the counseler asked her to do, she is not doing anything that I asked her to do?? I don't know how much more I can take. I would like to suggest a book for anyone who wants to save their marriage, "the five love languages". This book is so simple, I only wished that I had found it earlier in our marriage, so I could have used this to show her that I am there for her. Now it is all but too late!! Sorry everyone, I don't think this story ends in a happy ending. Thanks for everyone advice. I appreciate that there are nice people out there willing to help out strangers!! Thanks again!!


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

dan - As hard as this is, look at her actions, not her words. If she's not trying, despite saying she will, it's an indication she wants out. Five love languages isn't going to help at this stage because she's not invested in you. Your best, and only real play here, is to do a 180, become much less available, work on creating happiness for yourself and she'll either follow or leave.


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## dan681 (Nov 24, 2009)

Thanks, even that hurts me. I want to be with her, but, I can't for my own good. She doesn't do anything that I or the counseler ask of her. She just says that she doesn't have time, or I'll do it later?? It just sucks that I am trying so hard, and she just don't care?? I'm devoted to my kids now, thats whats important to me!! I'm not going to leave my house. If anything, I'll ask her to leave, after all, she is the one that caused the problem in the first place. I think this will look better when we get attorneys also?? I didn't just abandon them.


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## forwardtherapy (Nov 25, 2009)

If you are deciding what to do based on what might look better for when the attorneys get involved, you should seek your own legal advice first. If your actions could affect the outcome of any litigation it may be better for you to be informed prior to taking any course of action.


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## dan681 (Nov 24, 2009)

I just got back from my counseler. I feel real good. Talking about it helps me alot. I dont know if this will save our marriage?? But at least I'm trying to heal myself. If she wants to share this "new and improved" me, then great. But if that is not what she wants??? I will get over it, and be a better man!!


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## Sven (Nov 18, 2009)

Sanity is a smart cookie - back WAY off and make your wife come to you. If she doesn't, then you know.


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

> I just got back from my counseler. I feel real good. Talking about it helps me alot. I dont know if this will save our marriage?? But at least I'm trying to heal myself. If she wants to share this "new and improved" me, then great. But if that is not what she wants??? I will get over it, and be a better man!!


Finally a healthy perspective. I was on the verge of giving you a gentle 2x4 on this. 

YES, all you can do is be your own man, find a way to be happy and detach. She's secondary in this equation as you can't make her responsible for your happiness. 

You may want to read No More Mr. Nice Guy. It's a good book on "nice guy's" and the real dysfunction behind it.


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## forwardtherapy (Nov 25, 2009)

dan681 said:


> I just got back from my counseler. I feel real good. Talking about it helps me alot. I dont know if this will save our marriage?? But at least I'm trying to heal myself. If she wants to share this "new and improved" me, then great. But if that is not what she wants??? I will get over it, and be a better man!!


What specifically about the marriage would you like to save?
I am guessing it is not Dishonesty or Arguments... so can you give names to the aspects of this particular marriage that you might want to save? 

Also, what about you has become new and improved? Can you describe or list the difference the improvements have made: different perspective? more relaxed? something else?


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## dan681 (Nov 24, 2009)

I guess that I want to save the marriage for my children. I love my wife, and we had a lot of good times. We used to have passion for each other?? We used to feel good when we did things for the other?? I liked taking care of her. We grew apart after the kids started growing up. I worked lots of hours. Plus I've got lots of hobbies that take up some of my time. She on the other hand, has no hobbies. I tried to include her in some of my activities, like go to a softball game, or take the dogs for a walk, but she never wanted to include herself. I have been trying to spend more time with her, help her out around the house more, cut down on my activities, etc. I want to be a better husband and father. I dont see any difference in her perspective?? She is still unwilling to make any effort in the relationship. She continually finds ways to break my heart?? She wrote me a letter today saying that she is tired of talking about the issues. It was a ten page letter, and in it she mentioned seperation 5 times. "It is not what I want" she says, but why did she mention it so much?? We went and had lunch today and I expressed my feelings, and told her my expectations for our relationship. Then after a meaningful conversation, she gives me this letter?? It just confuses me more?? Does she want we to leave??(I will not leave my house. She will leave.) or does she want we to stay?? We had a good day yesterday, she wanted to talk about some issues, and I said, no, lets talk about some happy times we had together. It improved her attitude, and we actually made love afterwards!! She says that I'm beating her about about the past??? I just need to know the truth so I dont keep thinking the worst case senarios. Maybe I'm wrong?? But she has lied to me for so long, about sooo much, I cant help myself.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Are you certain she has stopped using drugs? 

You cannot keep a marriage together with a chronic drug user.




dan681 said:


> I guess that I want to save the marriage for my children. I love my wife, and we had a lot of good times. We used to have passion for each other?? We used to feel good when we did things for the other?? I liked taking care of her. We grew apart after the kids started growing up. I worked lots of hours. Plus I've got lots of hobbies that take up some of my time. She on the other hand, has no hobbies. I tried to include her in some of my activities, like go to a softball game, or take the dogs for a walk, but she never wanted to include herself. I have been trying to spend more time with her, help her out around the house more, cut down on my activities, etc. I want to be a better husband and father. I dont see any difference in her perspective?? She is still unwilling to make any effort in the relationship. She continually finds ways to break my heart?? She wrote me a letter today saying that she is tired of talking about the issues. It was a ten page letter, and in it she mentioned seperation 5 times. "It is not what I want" she says, but why did she mention it so much?? We went and had lunch today and I expressed my feelings, and told her my expectations for our relationship. Then after a meaningful conversation, she gives me this letter?? It just confuses me more?? Does she want we to leave??(I will not leave my house. She will leave.) or does she want we to stay?? We had a good day yesterday, she wanted to talk about some issues, and I said, no, lets talk about some happy times we had together. It improved her attitude, and we actually made love afterwards!! She says that I'm beating her about about the past??? I just need to know the truth so I dont keep thinking the worst case senarios. Maybe I'm wrong?? But she has lied to me for so long, about sooo much, I cant help myself.


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## dan681 (Nov 24, 2009)

She says she has stopped?? I dont know what to believe anymore. We have good days, followed by bad days. Some days I want to spend all day with her, other days, I dont even want to look at her. I know that she probably still wants to do coke. But coke is not as addictive as crack or heroin. The withdrawal symptoms are easier on the user. She is showing no signs of withdrawal. She is moody, and very emotional. I think the way she is acting is mostly from her feeling of guilt. But her feelings of guilt make her withdraw from me?? Instead of bringing her closer to me?? I stopped trying to make sense of it?? I'll give her some space(at home), but I wont trust her out of the house. I drive her to work, I take the kids where they have to go, if she wants to go over a friends, I have to know them, and then I will drop her off. She said that she feels like a prisioner, well, I have to treat her this way, so she don't screw up again. I can't take this anymore. One more screw up and she is gone!! I keep reading the self help books about relationships to try and find some peace in myself. If we do break up, someone is going to get a man that knows how to satisfy a women, and my wife will miss out.


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## dan681 (Nov 24, 2009)

Yesterday was mostly negative. We tried to talk for a while, but it just angered both of us, and we ended up fighting. But the good news is aftewards, we had makup sex.:smthumbup: Sometimes shes nice, and other times she is evil. I hope this is making progress.


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## dan681 (Nov 24, 2009)

We put up our tree this weekend, and it really lifted my spirits! She went to a concert with her mother last night, and came home in a good mood?? I thought her mother would fill her with poison?? We made love again, and it was good!! We both enjoyed it this time!! Maybe there is hope for us?? She still needs to make a better effort. I'm waiting!!


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## dan681 (Nov 24, 2009)

Another day of counseling. I always feel good after I leave her office. I went a bought my wife a rose and took it to her work. I need to stay positive!!


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## forwardtherapy (Nov 25, 2009)

dan681 said:


> Another day of counseling. I always feel good after I leave her office. I went a bought my wife a rose and took it to her work. I need to stay positive!!


What is it about the counseling that leads you to feel good? Is it one thing or many? Does your partner feel this good feeling as well? What does she attribute it to?

I am wondering about how you both might continue to draw on these good feelings and bring them into your relationship, even when the counselling is over.


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## dan681 (Nov 24, 2009)

I feel releived. I know that I can speak my heart, and not be judged by my counseler. My wife feels threatened by her. She says that she enjoys it, but I dont think she does. We have been going seperately, but, next week, we are going together? She wont open up when I'm in the room?? I dont think we are ready to go together. She needs to forgive herself, before she can open up to me!! She still speaks without thinking about my feelings. She doesn't even know that she is breaking my heart? I want unconditional love from her, and she is not willing to give it to me?? ohh-well!!


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## Wisconsin (Dec 15, 2009)

Dan, Dan, Dan,

Sanity is a good thing to have. You are in a "crazy making" relationship. No matter how hard you try, you are just banging your head against the wall. Go see a counselor, either through your EAP (employee assistance program at work) or through your insurance. You need professional help. My best example would be that you are in a swimming pool and your wife is drowning (cocaine, lying, cheating) and you are trying to be the life guard. And what happens when someone tries to save someone from drowning and they are not trained? Then take you down too and you both drown. You both need a professional.


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## Wisconsin (Dec 15, 2009)

I just saw your earlier post. Glad to hear you are getting help and that it is helpful. Keep taking care of yourself. She has got to choose to do it on her own.


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## forwardtherapy (Nov 25, 2009)

dan681 said:


> I feel releived. I know that I can speak my heart, and not be judged by my counseler. My wife feels threatened by her. She says that she enjoys it, but I dont think she does. We have been going seperately, but, next week, we are going together? She wont open up when I'm in the room?? I dont think we are ready to go together. She needs to forgive herself, before she can open up to me!! She still speaks without thinking about my feelings. She doesn't even know that she is breaking my heart? I want unconditional love from her, and she is not willing to give it to me?? ohh-well!!


So you want Unconditional Love and she wants Forgiveness.


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## dan681 (Nov 24, 2009)

She doesn't know what she wants?? Sometimes its me, sometimes its not?? I'm trying hard to understand why?? I never knew that I was such a bad husband??


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## dan681 (Nov 24, 2009)

We had a good holiday. She is really coming around. She is starting to show me the love that I need. She is also showing me that she wants to stay in this relationship. Thank the lord!! I haven't felt like this in a long time. I hope the new year is a good one. Thank god for my counseler. I think we are almost done with her. We actually can talk for hours without hurting anyones feelings. We are having great sex!! She is showing me that she is committed to ME!!! I hope everyone elses new year is as good as mine!!


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## dan681 (Nov 24, 2009)

Everything is going great with me and my wife. But, we had DCF called on us again by her brother. This is the 4th or 5th time he has called on us. Nothing has ever been substaintiated. Is there anything that we could do to stop this constant harassment?? Anyone ever had this problem??


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## forwardtherapy (Nov 25, 2009)

I think this is the longest time since you have posted. How is it going for you now? Is the time between posts a reflection of anything about the relationship?


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## dan681 (Nov 24, 2009)

We were making real progress, then she hit a brick wall. She wants things to be as they were before the admission of guilt. I want more out of our relationship, and not what we had!! What we had led to her betrayal of our relationship. This last DCF call has driven us apart. I still am trying 110%, and she tries when it is convienent for her?? I need to see her commitment to this family. We are slowly sliding backwards??


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Have you sat down with her whole family and discussed what BIL is doing?


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## forwardtherapy (Nov 25, 2009)

I find it interesting that you often use question marks after statements. Is this because you have some doubt about the statements you are making? Or because you have more questions or perhaps for another reason?


Forward Therapy
Online Counselling & Therapy over the Net


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## dan681 (Nov 24, 2009)

Happy valentines day to all. I think that my marriage is unfixable. My wife is unwilling to try to helps us. She cant pay the bills on time? She continually wastes money on things we dont need, but forgets the neccessities. I am thinking of asking her to leave. I will never trust her. She keeps breaking my heart.


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