# totally mismatched sex drive - wife says ok for me to get elsewhere



## joni321 (Feb 6, 2016)

Married 10 years. Sex life is non-existent. Apart from that our marriage is brilliant 

But wife has been ill a lot recently. Some serious stuff and shes recovering well but sex is just not on the agenda for her. Might never be with whats shes been through.

She knows its tough for me and has said she doesnt mind if I get sex elsewhere. Dunno if she means someone else or hooker I assume?
Her attitude is well its just sex and you'll always come home to me.

Now first off I thought, wow what a great wife I've got. Then I just got thinking it might be not such a great idea and think of all the things it could screw up in marriage.

Wife is most def not the jealous type AT ALL. I just dunno...

Anyone ever tried anything like this?


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## RockSteady1 (Feb 5, 2016)

Disaster waiting to happen dude.

Don't do it. Support your wife, help her through whatever it is and be there for her. She might say "no sex" now but if you are there for her 100% she will start looking at things differently.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

joni321 said:


> ....Sex life is non-existent. Apart from that our marriage is brilliant
> 
> But wife has been ill a lot recently.
> 
> ...


Sorry for your wife's illness.

As to "well its just sex," that is where most people loose it. Sex is called making love for a reason. Sex and the release of hormones will bond two people together.

If you really do decide to have sex outside a marriage (not a good idea), use a pro. She will not fall in love with you and try to get you to leave for wife for her. 

You may think and even she may think it will not bother her, but it could.

There are non-PIV types of sex that lots of people have. Even if something like that isn't possible there are prostate stimulaters, masturbation sleeve/toys, that she or the both of you can play with as a couple to get you off. I would try some of those things before you have extra-marital sex.

Good luck.


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## happy2gether (Dec 6, 2015)

My two cents here, TALK TO HER. Don't just pass a remark or two but have a sit down heart to heart talk about this. If it is something you both truly want, then work out the rules. Find what works for your relationship and roll with it. this can be anywhere from fantasy talk only all the way up to you having a regular girlfriend. Do absolutely nothing your wife is against, or that makes YOU uncomfortable. And understand she can rightfully revoke any permission given at any time so you must be willing to stop.

If you can't do these, then don't even let this get beyond the stage it is now.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

joni321 said:


> Anyone ever tried anything like this?


I've never had an extramarital sexual affair and would strongly advise against it. 

Now I have had intermarital sexual affairs all the time without including the wife! I'd give yourself a license to explore WHATEVER you want in the solo department, and perhaps you can start with a quality TENS unit and some good electrodes including a urethral plug. Talk about an adrenaline rush! 

Here is a good metaphor. If you can get awesome at solo electric guitar with any cool equipment you want, why the **** would you want to go down the street and play acoustic duets with the lady that has an out of tune banjo?

Cheers, 
Badsanta


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

Now is not the time to get sex elsewhere. You will regret it.


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## Beenthere_Donethat (Feb 6, 2016)

Dude, it sounds like a test to me. I dunno. Put it this way though, if your marriage ends up breaking up your gonna look like the biggest ass alive for "cheating" on your sick wife. My wife and I didnt have sex for the last year of our marriage and since weve been going through our divorce ive had sex (kind of) once. Once in 2 years. Youll live.


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## stevehowefan (Apr 3, 2013)

I'd be absolutely devastated if my wife said that to me. Actually, she did say something similar, such as asking me if it would make me happy to be with some other woman. Of course it wouldn't make me happy, at all. it made me sad. I still get sad when I think about it. Don't do it, bro. Too many bad things can happen. Once you do it, you can't undo it.


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## tommyr (May 25, 2014)

Assuming you are a normal person with a normal sex drive, it is unrealistic to think you can be happy in a sexless marriage over any length of time. Your post is vague about your wife's medical condition. Is she on bed rest with you providing her care? 
Or does she get out of the house (for work, shopping, exercise, etc)? My advice would really depend on more specific details of her illness, the timeframe, and the prognosis. 

Basically, if it's just a short term thing that she is recovering from and your normal sexlife will then resume, I would encourage you to just masturbate. If she's up to it, maybe you could "play" in bed while she talks dirty to you, as way to stay sexually connected despite her condition.

If she has some specific "female" condition that makes sexual intercourse painful/impossible, then I would say there are dozens of other ways for you both to share sexual intimacy without intercourse.

My prior suggestions assume that she is actually willing to participate in a sexual marriage with you despite whatever unfortunate illness she may have. If that's NOT the case, if she's just not motivated or willing to even play along with you sexually, that's an entirely different situation!

Before I would accept her open marriage offer, ask yourself if you can be happy in a sexless marriage and get your needs met outside. If not, then tell her this. Be blunt and direct. Let her know this is a deal breaker, and if she won't join you in a sexually active marriage, then it means immediate divorce.

On the other hand, maybe you really both love each other (like you said, "marriage is brilliant") in which case you join the spinning class at your gym and ask one of the ladies to coffee and take it from there.

Other posters have said you should just resign yourself to a sexless marriage of endless masturbation. Do NOT even consider that! No normal person would be happy like that for any length of time. Do not let this situation go on. Address it head on, work with your wife to reach a clear solution that you both can live with.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

joni321 said:


> Married 10 years. Sex life is non-existent. Apart from that our marriage is brilliant
> 
> But wife has been ill a lot recently. Some serious stuff and shes recovering well but sex is just not on the agenda for her. Might never be with whats shes been through.
> 
> ...


It's a trap. Run.

My ex wife said that to me about oral sex, once upon a time. She couldn't do it (TMJ), and I didn't really ever complain. Then she announced one day, out of the blue, that she felt bad she couldn't do that, and that I could get it elsewhere.

Never found out if it was a trap or not. She left for some other dude a year or so later,

Even if it wasn't a trap, I wouldn't want a partner who said I could get something that intimate from somebody else, even if they couldn't provide it to me themselves. It shows a disconnect in that regard, IMO.

What I'm more interested in, is if there are people on this forum who would actually allow their partner to do something like this, and why - provided they couldn't give it to their partners (or didn't want to).


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

Very bad idea buddy.

See a sex therapist or MC

You take the plunge and you will be opening a door it will be difficult to close. if she gets her "sex drive' back and tell s you she wants to bang some other guy, what will your answer be?????

And there is the outside possibility she wants you to do it so she can justify what she is doing or thinking of doing.

i'd do a hell of a lot more investigating before i would taker her up on the offer.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Have a friend who was wound in Iraq. He can't any longer and was trying to see if his best friend would be with his wife. He was looking for someone he knew he could trust and was also in a good marriage. They are in their mid 20's. Hard to say what I would do in same circumstances. I think you need to have Long talks with wife about pros and cons. Our mutual friend declined because he looked on her as a sister. Good luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## joni321 (Feb 6, 2016)

Nah its not a trap honestly. Situation with wife is due to health problems penetrative sex is going to be off limits for her for ever pretty much. To be fair, I can expect it if its so difficult for her. 

I think her offer was an honest and loving one and I think she does mean with a pro.

But still its weird - i dunno.


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## Apexmale (Jul 31, 2015)

joni321 said:


> Married 10 years. Sex life is non-existent. Apart from that our marriage is brilliant
> 
> But wife has been ill a lot recently. Some serious stuff and shes recovering well but sex is just not on the agenda for her. Might never be with whats shes been through.
> 
> ...


Dude this is TAM. You are about to get hammered for suggesting the topic of sex outside your marriage, even if between consenting adults. Unless your also "open" to insults, criticism, and personal attacks, my advice to you is delete this post and go back into the shadows.



Sent from Above


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Is it me, or is there a wave of swinger threads sweeping through TAM lately?

I wouldn't do it and my wife was so distraught over not being able to have more children, she told me I should find a juicy young woman, her words, and have more children.

I reassured her it wouldn't be happening. I always wanted a big family but I took vows with her before God and witnesses and meant them.
How do you feel about having sex with other women?

I don't see it ending well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

There are TONS of things besides just PIV. She doesn't place much value on you if she's willing to share you. 

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## committed_guy (Nov 22, 2011)

I think the only way I could do this is if my wife were in complete control of the whole situation so that I could not get accused of pushing the boundary.

She would have to pick the woman out and clearly lay out the boundaries of what we could and couldn't do. Also have a graduated situation where the first time is not full on sex but something less, like oral or HJ. When that is done then check in with each other and see how both of you liked it. If you both are ok, and you feel like she is being honest then proceed to more intimate encounters.

If your wife is emotionally mature enough to handle this then it could be something good. 

Some other thoughts: She could get you a flesh light or other toys for yourself. Either she could use them on you or hold them while you "do" it if she is unable to have sex. That way you could still get off, involve her and not really involve other people.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Sbrown said:


> There are TONS of things besides just PIV. She doesn't place much value on you if she's willing to share you.
> 
> Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


Exactly!

The OP's wife could do oral or manual or even just cuddle up to him and kiss him while he masturbates. There are many,many, ways a couple can be sexual when one or both has a medical condition preventing PIV sex.

OP, sex releases many hormones and chemicals that bond us to our partner and makes us even view our partners in a more favorable light than we might if we weren't so jacked up on the feel good drugs our bodies produce when we're physical with someone.

If you take your wife up on the offer, there is a decent chance that you will develop feelings for an outside sex partner. Usually, those feelings are fairly intense.

Also, there are other risks. 

STD is a concern. Something like 1 in 4 between the ages of 14 and 40 something have an STD. And we all know condoms don't protect against quite a few STD's, herpes and warts being two of them. That's why we've dropped the "Safe sex" idea and now call it "Safer sex". Because there is no such thing as "safe sex" outside of a mutually monogamous relationship.

Pregnancy is also a risk if you have sex with women of childbearing age. Trust me, birth control has a failure rate. I have a Pill baby and a condom baby. Well, not babies anymore, but you get the point.

Of course, there's always the Crazy. You know, the bunny boilers. Those women who seem perfectly fine, have an affair with you, and then go psycho stalker when you try to end it.

If you intend to stay married, having sex with other women is risky and could very well mean a divorce down the road for so many possible reasons.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

MJJEAN said:


> Exactly!
> 
> The OP's wife could do oral or manual or even just cuddle up to him and kiss him while he masturbates. There are many,many, ways a couple can be sexual when one or both has a medical condition preventing PIV sex.
> 
> ...


I think he would hire prostitutes but your points are still valid. Especially about STD's and emotions.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

ConanHub said:


> I think he would hire prostitutes but your points are still valid. Especially about STD's and emotions.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The way I read it, hiring prostitutes was only one option he was considering. Thought I should put the most obvious risks out there so he can consider them no mater which route he takes.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

tommyr said:


> Assuming you are a normal person with a normal sex drive, it is unrealistic to think you can be happy in a sexless marriage over any length of time. Your post is vague about your wife's medical condition. Is she on bed rest with you providing her care?
> Or does she get out of the house (for work, shopping, exercise, etc)? My advice would really depend on more specific details of her illness, the timeframe, and the prognosis.
> 
> Basically, if it's just a short term thing that she is recovering from and your normal sexlife will then resume, I would encourage you to just masturbate. If she's up to it, maybe you could "play" in bed while she talks dirty to you, as way to stay sexually connected despite her condition.
> ...


This. Not sure why you both couldn't do 'other things' to please each other, or when she is up to it, she could do things to bring you pleasure. 

I wouldn't seek sex outside of your marriage, and it's kind of sad that she suggested that. Just being honest.


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

*Deidre* said:


> Not sure why you both couldn't do 'other things' to please each other, or when she is up to it, she could do things to bring you pleasure.


Is she capable of doing so and does she have the drive/will to do them?


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

joni321 said:


> Married 10 years. Sex life is non-existent. Apart from that our marriage is brilliant
> 
> But wife has been ill a lot recently. Some serious stuff and shes recovering well but sex is just not on the agenda for her. Might never be with whats shes been through.
> 
> ...



Sorry to hear your wife was seriously ill. Wish her all the best and a speedy recovery.

When your woman says, you can get sex elsewhere because she isn't in the mood.....is a sh$t test. This really means, would you actually have sex with another woman???

If I were you, buy sex toys and use them to relieve yourself. Let her know you're doing this and maybe, she will use the sex toys on you....

She could also give you

- oiled breast jobs
- oiled foot jobs
- oiled hand jobs with oral

Both of you take the 5 love languages quiz and compare the results.

Language Profile | The 5 Love Languages®


When a woman says, its only sex, she isn't being a loving woman and wife. Sex to most guys is physical release and connection but its also emotional. With women, its more emotional and way less physical, and the results are LD ladies.

Remember, she isn't her own anymore. She is to take care of your needs as her own but she isn't doing this. For whatever reasons, that's very selfish of her and single behavior. Same thing goes for us guys taking care of our ladies needs as our own.

It's very simple and I'm shocked that many ladies just don't get it. Men are built on testosterone, which makes us bigger, stronger, more muscular and hornier. Having sex increases our testosterone levels and makes us healthier. Sex 3x week decreases the chances of heart attacks and issues by up to 50%. That's sex only 3x every week.

Most ladies are not built on testosterone as much and more estrogen and that means softer, more emotional and less physical and sexual.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

joni321 said:


> Nah its not a trap honestly. Situation with wife is due to health problems penetrative sex is going to be off limits for her for ever pretty much. To be fair, I can expect it if its so difficult for her.
> 
> I think her offer was an honest and loving one and I think she does mean with a pro.
> 
> But still its weird - i dunno.





ConanHub said:


> I think he would hire prostitutes but your points are still valid. Especially about STD's and emotions.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Dear OP, I think that lots of folks have given you lots of good advice.

Let me point out the obvious. The safest way for your marriage (and that will not be very safe for the long term success of your marriage) is to hire a pro on a weekly basis.

If you and your wife are OK with that, then do this first. Take some of the money you would have spent on your affairs or prostitute/escort sex and spend that money on help from a sex therapist. 

I will wager that the sex therapist can help the two of you figure out something that will strengthen your marriage for a lot less money than you would spend getting your "hall pass stamped" by another woman.

Good luck.


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## joni321 (Feb 6, 2016)

Sawney Beane said:


> Is she capable of doing so and does she have the drive/will to do them?


To clarify, yeh she does other things. Lots just apart from PIV. Thats just not going to happen.

I guess she gets nothing out of it but she does it for me.

But yeh we were talking about prostitutes not just random women as a solution.

I dunno I jsut cant help thinking that everything else is not really sex unless its PIV.


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## Romango (Feb 20, 2016)

Sexual compatibility is really important in a healthy marriage. That is my personal opinion anyway. If you have the money to fork out for a prostitute on a regular basis, you have enough money to do marriage counselling. You both need it. Instead of finding a way to be intimate elsewhere wouldn't the better option be to seek some professional support and get your wife to a place where she can at least consider having sex again (you did not say in your post that sex is an impossibility, in the future at least). Like many of the other posters have mentioned, there's other things that you can do as a couple to preserve the intimacy between you and your wife. A marriage without intimacy is just a friendship.


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## Abc123wife (Sep 18, 2013)

I am always curious when these threads come up about intercourse not being possible, what condition(s) makes that so? Can you elaborate on what physically makes intercourse impossible now and possibly forever? It might help people make suggestions if the physical condition is known. Due to my own ignorance, I just don't get what could permanently prevents a woman from ever having intercourse again, so just looking for some understanding of this.

OP, you said she is able to do lots of other things to please you but you don't consider that sex. Why? I understand you would miss PIV but if she is willing and able to do oral, HJs, foot job, boob job, etc is that not good enough? What are her physical limitations? How much other stuff can she do to help? What can you do for her to keep or get her interested and have her also sexually satisfied? Do you have a dr working on helping her get well enough to overcome those limitations?


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