# I Want to Sue The OM!!!



## Workingitout (Sep 27, 2010)

Has anyone considered suing the OM or OW? 10 months ago today, my wife attempted suicide after she revealed her affair and I threatened divorce. Uninsured medical expenses associated with that visit were over $3,000. She then spent 70 days in treatment, at an unisured expense of $70,000. Counselling for me, her and us have now totaled over $10,000. I wouldn't want to be vindictive, just make a statement to society that it's not ok to to screw with a married person.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Some states will allow you to sue on the grounds of "Alienation of Affections"

Alienation of Affection State Laws


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

Amplexor said:


> Some states will allow you to sue on the grounds of "Alienation of Affections"
> 
> Alienation of Affection State Laws


North Carolina is the only state that allows for this type of lawsuit.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

It sounds like you're putting all the blame on him; what about your wife's role in the affair? Suing him for all her medical expenses and the counseling makes it seem as though he's solely responsible for what happened; he's not. Your wife played a part in it as well; she could have, and should have, said no, cut contact, done all the things everyone suggests doing to avoid/end an affair. 

I understand you're angry; not saying you shouldn't be. But the suing him...I can see the temptation, but I also see where it not only doesn't solve anything, but it also makes it look like the only one at fault is the outside person in the affair, not the spouse, and I don't agree with that.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

atruckersgirl said:


> It sounds like you're putting all the blame on him; what about your wife's role in the affair?


Point taken and in all likelihood WIO may have had some part in making his wife susceptible to the affair. But what if TOM manipulated, used and led her on because he knew she was emotionally vulnerable? Used that vulnerability for his own selfish wants causing further damage to her, her marriage and WIO? Having been down that road I can certainly empathize with his desire to punish TOM. Vengeance is a dish best served cold and the vengeance I desired would have landed me in jail if I'd taken it.


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## blownaway (Dec 11, 2010)

I understand the temptation. Beating the snot out of the OM or having him publicly flogged would be my preference, but we unfortunately can't do that either. A lawsuit against the OM will only drag on the drama and prevent you from being able to heal. Think about having to provide documentation or testimony about the most awful period of your life and that total strangers are going to hear about it, good, bad and ugly - that will not be fun. As embarrassed or hurt as the OM may be from this type of suit, you will be twice as hurt as you are much closer to it since it was your life that he helped to ruin. Put the time, energy and money toward YOU and you alone.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

Amplexor said:


> Point taken and in all likelihood WIO may have had some part in making his wife susceptible to the affair. But what if TOM manipulated, used and led her on because he knew she was emotionally vulnerable? Used that vulnerability for his own selfish wants causing further damage to her, her marriage and WIO? Having been down that road I can certainly empathize with his desire to punish TOM. Vengeance is a dish best served cold and the vengeance I desired would have landed me in jail if I'd taken it.


I'm not saying the OM is blameless; certainly he knew what he was doing, or if he didn't, should have been more careful in ensuring he wasn't getting involved with a married woman. 

But...emotionally vulnerable or not, his wife still knew that cheating was wrong. Even if the OP did do something that made her more vulnerable, she still had a choice: talk to her husband and try to fix things or sleep with another man. She chose option 2, knowing full well that it was not right. 

And don't get me wrong, I'm not saying the feelings are wrong. When my ex husband cheated on me, believe me, I wanted nothing more than to beat the crap out of the woman he cheated on me with. But I managed to eventually quell that urge, and realized that although she certainly deserved some of the blame, my at that time husband deserved the lion's share, as he was the one wearing the ring, the one who had taken the vows, and was knowingly ignoring both of those things to sleep with someone other than me.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Totally agree with TG, but many states do have Alienation of Affection laws, but the sad fact is, no lawyer wants to touch it with a ten foot pole. You have to provide solid evidence that the OP's intent was to destroy your marriage.

BTW, what is your W doing to alleviate some of this financial burden that she created?


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

I don’t want to sound cold here WIO. But how is OM responsible for the way you and your wife responded to the ending of your wife’s affair?

Surely, until a person accepts absolute personal responsibility for the way they “respond” to what happens in their life then their life will always in some way be “governed” by others. Isn’t it the “I did it because of what you did”? That is, putting the blame for our actions on someone else rather than accepting total responsibility our own behaviour and actions.

On the affair side of things, I always told myself that if my wife had an affair I would hold her 100% responsible for her own actions, how she responded to events that happened in her life. Why? Because I hold myself 100% responsible for my actions, how I respond to events that happen in my life. It is at times tough to live that basic philosophy of my life but it has held me in good stead so far.

After my split with my stbx I am an embittered man. I know that. And I hold myself 100% responsible for my embitterment. If I were to blame others in anyway at all for how I feel then I know for a fact I will remain embittered. I am the only person in the world that can make myself unembittered.

I know you are not talking about embitterment. But how on earth does what you want to do stand up in a court of law. How can OM be made to pay for the way you and your wife responded to the ending of her affair? I can understand consequential damages for a car crash, but not this.


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## Workingitout (Sep 27, 2010)

atruckersgirl said:


> It sounds like you're putting all the blame on him; what about your wife's role in the affair? Suing him for all her medical expenses and the counseling makes it seem as though he's solely responsible for what happened; he's not. Your wife played a part in it as well; she could have, and should have, said no, cut contact, done all the things everyone suggests doing to avoid/end an affair.
> 
> I understand you're angry; not saying you shouldn't be. But the suing him...I can see the temptation, but I also see where it not only doesn't solve anything, but it also makes it look like the only one at fault is the outside person in the affair, not the spouse, and I don't agree with that.


My motivation would not be about money, but to make a loud public statement that cheating comes with consequences beyond just hurting people. The more consequences that can confront people, the less likely they are to stray (I would think).

Regarding my wife's role, I actually believe she had more of a role than he did. She found him on F*ckbook and contacted him. She complained that he didn't respond often and quick enough, she sent the naked pictures first. He persuaded her to continue after she wanted to stop the affair. I've already ratted him out to his wife so that he has "consequences". I just think that if people knew that they would have to defend a lawsuit, they may give it a second thought. Just my 2 cents.


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## Workingitout (Sep 27, 2010)

blownaway said:


> I understand the temptation. Beating the snot out of the OM or having him publicly flogged would be my preference, but we unfortunately can't do that either. A lawsuit against the OM will only drag on the drama and prevent you from being able to heal. Think about having to provide documentation or testimony about the most awful period of your life and that total strangers are going to hear about it, good, bad and ugly - that will not be fun. As embarrassed or hurt as the OM may be from this type of suit, you will be twice as hurt as you are much closer to it since it was your life that he helped to ruin. Put the time, energy and money toward YOU and you alone.


Very good point. Thanks for the reality check.


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## Workingitout (Sep 27, 2010)

F-102 said:


> Totally agree with TG, but many states do have Alienation of Affection laws, but the sad fact is, no lawyer wants to touch it with a ten foot pole. You have to provide solid evidence that the OP's intent was to destroy your marriage.
> 
> BTW, what is your W doing to alleviate some of this financial burden that she created?


My wife also had a spending addiction. She has gotten help for that, along with her other addictions. I can now "catch up".


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## Workingitout (Sep 27, 2010)

AFEH said:


> I don’t want to sound cold here WIO. But how is OM responsible for the way you and your wife responded to the ending of your wife’s affair?
> 
> Surely, until a person accepts absolute personal responsibility for the way they “respond” to what happens in their life then their life will always in some way be “governed” by others. Isn’t it the “I did it because of what you did”? That is, putting the blame for our actions on someone else rather than accepting total responsibility our own behaviour and actions.
> 
> ...


I think my point was that there should be more consequences to stepping out. Yes, you risk your marriage, family, STDs, embarrasement..... Just think there should be more consequences. I think they execute you in Japan and Afganistan.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Workingitout said:


> I think my point was that there should be more consequences to stepping out. Yes, you risk your marriage, family, STDs, embarrasement..... Just think there should be more consequences. I think they execute you in Japan and Afganistan.


But that was their risk to take?

I don’t see how there’s going to be any deterrent. Except of course the core values and beliefs of the people involved in the affair. Isn’t it all down to personal responsibility? That’s how I see it. I don’t make excuses for myself so I don’t make excuses for others. I do allow for mitigating circumstances. And I believe it correct to be merciful and forgiving. But all of those things have a limit.

Affairs can’t be legislated against, can they? Surely it’s a personal thing and can’t be legislated. And yes other cultures handle these things exceptionally differently, at times brutally. But does even that stop it happening?


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Workingitout, I can certainly understand your sentiment on this one. I even asked my divorce lawyer if we could drag my husband's mistresses into court with us. My point was that my husband was embezzling money out of our business and spending it on them. In a sense I felt as though they were receiving stolen goods. One of them was even getting a $3K allowance every month. I really thought they should get inconvenienced just a bit and get all of their financial records subpoenaed. The embarrassment factor for my husband would have been priceless. But,.......my lawyer said no. 

I'm really sorry you are stuck with all those medical bills. I know how that is too. I've got a huge stack of those myself.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

AFEH, we don't agree on much I definitely agree with what you said!! If my wife has a affair it's her fault 99.99% her fault just the same if I have one 99.99% my fault. We can't play the victim and not take responsibility for out actions. We always have a choice no matter how much temptation there is no matter what the circumstance.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

OhGeesh said:


> AFEH, we don't agree on much I definitely agree with what you said!! If my wife has a affair it's her fault 99.99% her fault just the same if I have one 99.99% my fault. We can't play the victim and not take responsibility for out actions. We always have a choice no matter how much temptation there is no matter what the circumstance.



Ha! I didn’t realise we were disagreeing on anything.

Yes. It is called being a mature adult. It’s ok to play children’s games, for fun.

I actually think a lot of planning and scheming goes into both EAs and PAs. Plans to keep them secret, plans for “reasons”, plans of denial, plans of blame etc. etc. In some ways it’s equivalent to a well though out military campaign or business plan. They know exactly what they are doing and why they are doing it. That’s why I don’t believe in the “fog”.

Thing is if their plans include actually a way out of the marriage they don’t know if that grass is greener or not. So they plan to stay in the marriage as well while they test the grass out, one foot in each camp. I also believe they have a plan of “What to do and say if I’m discovered”. I think it far better to treat them as adults as opposed to lost children.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

Workingitout said:


> My motivation would not be about money, but to make a loud public statement that cheating comes with consequences beyond just hurting people. The more consequences that can confront people, the less likely they are to stray (I would think).
> 
> Regarding my wife's role, I actually believe she had more of a role than he did. She found him on F*ckbook and contacted him. She complained that he didn't respond often and quick enough, she sent the naked pictures first. He persuaded her to continue after she wanted to stop the affair. I've already ratted him out to his wife so that he has "consequences". I just think that if people knew that they would have to defend a lawsuit, they may give it a second thought. Just my 2 cents.


Ok, I can see your point. The thing about the statement you'd actually be sending, though, is that it wouldn't be the one you intend to send. There are actually a couple of major problems I see with your idea. 

First being suing the other person is going to be a problem, because you have to prove that they knew the cheating spouse was married. They will, especially when faced with a massive loss of money, simply deny having any knowledge of the cheating spouse being married. They'll claim there was no wedding ring, no mention of a marriage, etc. Given the secretive nature of an affair, you likely won't find any witnesses that can say otherwise. Your only real way of proving they knew would be if the affair took place in your home, where they would have seen family pictures, the innocent spouse's clothes in the closet, etc. Even then, you'd be hard pressed because you'd have to prove they were there, which would really require something like video, and then you run the risk of them turning around and suing you as a voyeur or something like that in some states. 

Second, let's use your wife's affair as the example here. You admit that she played a bigger role in starting the affair than he did. He's going to be punished for your wife pursuing him. Now, granted, in your specific situation, your wife has suffered some drastic consequences in how she handled things. But, in the average affair, most people do not attempt suicide. So, let's say your wife didn't try to do that. If you sue the other man, the lesson your wife has just learned is that she can cheat, you will blame the other man, sue him, and she gets away with everything she did. So, the next time around, she simply makes sure the other man has some plausible deniability about her marital status, and just does the same thing again. 

So, given those 2 issues, you're now in a situation where you've spent a ton of money suing the other man only to lose because he's denied knowing the cheating spouse was married and the court believed him, and your spouse now knows that all she needs to do is make sure the other man can make that denial, because she won't face any consequences. Seems to me that puts you in a much worse position, and all it's really taught anyone is how to be even more secretive about the affair. 

While I'm not encouraging anything, I would say if you wanted to teach people a lesson about cheating, the more effective method would be to take out a huge newspaper ad or create a website or something along those lines in which you name the guilty parties and announce what they did. The point of your lawsuit, if not about money, would boil down to public humiliation, and a newspaper ad or website would be a much cheaper way, and would reach more people, with more likelihood of success.


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## Workingitout (Sep 27, 2010)

atruckersgirl said:


> Ok, I can see your point. The thing about the statement you'd actually be sending, though, is that it wouldn't be the one you intend to send. There are actually a couple of major problems I see with your idea.
> 
> First being suing the other person is going to be a problem, because you have to prove that they knew the cheating spouse was married. They will, especially when faced with a massive loss of money, simply deny having any knowledge of the cheating spouse being married. They'll claim there was no wedding ring, no mention of a marriage, etc. Given the secretive nature of an affair, you likely won't find any witnesses that can say otherwise. Your only real way of proving they knew would be if the affair took place in your home, where they would have seen family pictures, the innocent spouse's clothes in the closet, etc. Even then, you'd be hard pressed because you'd have to prove they were there, which would really require something like video, and then you run the risk of them turning around and suing you as a voyeur or something like that in some states.
> 
> ...


Hi Wendy, In a "general" sense, you are right. In my case, the OM new me, my family and my wife from highschool. He even complimented my wife in their initial F*ckbook chats about how she "did well" by marrying me & that he thought I was a "great guy".

While I would not sue, beat him to a bloody pulp, or anything else, it did make a nice thought, even for a moment! I do, however, take solace in the believe that he will one day be served his supersized karma sh*t sandwich and be forced to eat all of it! My wife already had hers! She had to spend 70 days away from our kids (which she actually was thankful for after her breakdown but has tremendous guilt and shame now), she can no longer enjoy her spending sprees, and is deeply emotionally affected by the hurt she caused me. Such is the life of the unfaithful and their spouses left to pick up the pieces!


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

All you can do is vent and keep strong. If I knew a way to help I would willingly offer it, the OM should be held accountable alas not all is fair in life.


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