# Confused and in need of some good advice!



## HelpMeNow7 (Jun 9, 2010)

I am in need of some help and not sure where to get it from and family friends are not much help here since sides have been taken. I am hoping that I can get some good advice here and the help I so desire. This maybe a little lengthy and I apologize there is just a lot of history here and I am not sure what would be important to everyone and what would not.

The basics: 

My husband and I met when we were 16 and he proposed at 18, we married at 20. We have been married for 12 years as of two days ago.

We have three children ages: 3, 4 and 12. (I was told at 17 I would never have children due to a medical condition, so we had adjusted our lives to never having children..that soon changed when I got pregnant with our first child at 19. He immediately want me to abort and when I didn’t our lives changed drasticly.)

My husband works in the oilfield and is away more than 50% of the time. He just recently took a position out of the country where he will initially be gone for 3 months and then after that it will be a month on a month off. I do not work and haven’t in a long time, I am mostly a homemaker but I just recently started back to school full time to get my RN license. 

The History:

Our first year of marriage my husband cheated on me and I forgave him but after this he has courted two other women, but with no sex involved, and one of them he introduced to his mother. He lies to me about everything, things that he shouldn’t have to and it has come to a place where I just flat out don’t trust him but I try to make things work. 

Our sex life was very passionate at the beginning and after not aborting our first child it went downhill quick. He started making up excuses on why he never wanted it like he was tired or had a headache..etc. This is still going on today. When we do have sex I have to literally beg for it or guilt him into it. He does not initiate any contact or affection, I always do. He will kiss me goodbye when he leaves and he used to make sure that we had sex the day before he left but now he does not even bother with that. When we do have sex it is more like a chore for him, he just lays there and barely does anything at all which makes it very hard for me to get into it. I am at a loss here I have tried everything..and since nothing works I have resorted to using toys instead of cheating.

I am always helping him out and giving him advice. I make a point to show him daily how much I care and I put forth a lot of effort to encourage him in his job and help him succeed. I also always compliment him on his looks and try to make him feel good about himself (me thinking he might be depressed, he is very high strung). He on the other hand does not do any of these things unless prompted to do so. Every once in awhile he will say something nice but mostly he says nothing at all.

I have suggested marriage counseling and even going seperatly but he refuses. When I try to talk to him about anything with our marriage he shuts me down or he just pretends to listen. He is most famous for closing his eyes and laying down or trying to watch tv while I am talking to him. He will not look me in the eye and hold a conversation unless he is forced to then he just gets very confrontational. He acts like a child when it comes to communication…drives me nutz! He still says he loves me and he does not want our marriage to end and that he is comfortable and does not want things to change. I have told him many times I am not happy and I am not “in” love with him anymore but he does not seem to care. I even had a serious health scare just a few months ago and he seemed to just be going through the motions. I talked to him about what would happen if I did not make it through and he actually seemed to really care about my well being, but that was the extent of it.

As of the last couple of weeks things have spun out of control. He was told he was going out to do a job for a couple of weeks and needed to leave immediately, so I packed him up and he left. He was supposed to leave two days after he got there and instead I found out he did not have to be there and he went to his mother’s house instead. He spent the entire weekend there until Monday. Keep in mind this was our anniversary weekend and we have not spent one together in almost four years. I called him out on this and told him that everyday he was giving me another excuse another lie and he just ignored me and said I was being stupid. On our anniversary he was still at his mother’s and had told me he was supposed to be at work that morning and he just did not go in, so he was supposed to be there the next day cause he was supposed to leave on wed this time. I did not believe him and I told him so. Things got out of control and I asked him if he wanted to just give up and get a divorce…he initially said I don’t know but I pushed for an answer and finally he said yes. So, I immediately went on the defense and went forth for making plans to do it. I am not sure if this is what I really want but I don’t want to be the only one to make the effort here anymore. To say the least it is wed today and he still has not left, and now he is not sure if he is going off or not and he does not want to come home. I have all of our email pulled to our home computer in outlook so even before we talked about getting a divorce he was out house hunting by his mother’s house without even telling me about it.

I need some help here…I am just lost!!!

Sorry again it was so long!


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## HelpMeNow7 (Jun 9, 2010)

Well maybe this was to long and not really clear enough...

I stuck my foot in my mouth and pretty much forced an answer that I did not want...I do not know how to communicate with someone who does not want to and I don't know if this marriage is even worth saving....CAN SOMEONE HELP WITH THAT??? 

He leaves out of the country in a week in a half...he is all ready looking to get a house out of state when he returns and wants me to find a new place while he is gone....HELP PLEASE!!


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## lil ol me (Jun 10, 2010)

go, sister.

he seems too apathetic for you, i feel similar to you in some ways, if you are always making the efforts its one thing, but to avoid this weekend by staying at his mums. courting other women. lots of bad things he has done.

but the attitude that he doesn't care is clear. free yourself - go

sounds like you can do better than that one.


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