# Teaching him



## MrsGreen15 (Aug 26, 2015)

This is a random thread that I found. I needed to put this out into the world for someone other than my husband and I to discuss to death. 

My husband as a child didn't receive a lot of affection. Pretty much nothing. Because of this he never learned. We have definitely met in the middle with this one. (Kissing, holding hands, cuddling on the couch etc.) All is A OK! 

But the bedroom, a different story. In all of his 32 years this is a problem women couldn't look past. There for he's been catered to and not taught. Getting him off is what's gotten me off to this point, but now I'm realizing that we're going to have to put in some serious effort to fulfill me because I have a student that's not accepting my teachings. Possibly because I've never had to or maybe I don't understand how. He's not as sexually driven as me and feels a lot of pressure and isn't comfortable feeling vulnerable to me critiquing him. I ask him to slow down, or ask for it more gently. He instantly feels defeated and backs off. 

I could continue this pattern of not feeling fulfilled and just satisfying him, but I fear I'll build resentment. He really believes it's a problem that needs to be fixed so I have hope. I just need to take the pressure off somehow. How long do I go feeling undesired? How do I help him understand how to approach me? 

Lost


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Do you masturbate? Maybe tell him to sit in a chair at the end of the bed & keep his eyes open, mouth shut, hands to himself & just watch you?

Hold up your finger & tell him "Watch where and how this goes, then do it with your tongue later".

Most men would love to be "taught", we ain't mind readers!


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## afab (Jul 28, 2015)

You dont tell us how long you are married. I suppose you mean he is 32 years old not youre married that long. A husband is not the student of his wife. I am sure resentment has already set in. He seems to be doing his best. Instead of critique you should give praise when its earned.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

men are real touchy about this stuff. i'm touchy. every once in a blue moon, my wife tells me this or that about how or how not to do something.
i get touchy. i don't bark, and i usually try to comply, but i do get touchy. it's the fragile male ego. we might be able to take lots of constructive criticism on work related stuff,
or cooking, or whatever, but when it comes to making love, that hits at our essence of being a man. maybe that's our weak point, like we are strong, but grab us in the cajones and we're doubled over.

that being said, let me shout this out: "no, absolutely you should not have to put up with boring lovemaking!"

its all in the way you handle it. like above poster said; be positive in everything, reinforce, reward good behavior, move on little things and try for another time.
DO address your issues but coddle his manself. you have the power to make or break him. that's just the way it is usually.


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## MrsGreen15 (Aug 26, 2015)

Married 2, together 5.


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## MrsGreen15 (Aug 26, 2015)

How do I come back from breaking him if I have? I'm scared of what I've already done.


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## Justinian (Mar 7, 2015)

afab said:


> ... A husband is not the student of his wife.


I disagree! We should all study the wants and needs of the person we choose to spend our lives with, until we become experts. 

Study hard until you receive an advanced degree.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

MrsGreen15 said:


> How do I come back from breaking him if I have? I'm scared of what I've already done.


I think if you are gentle and follow some of the good advice from the other posters on this thread, he'll be fine. Most men aren't that fragile other than possibly at the moment of being criticized.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Explain to your husband using a back scratch as an example. I like a light touch all over but only after the itchy spot as been rubbed, yes rubbed. My husband needs frequent reminders that I don't like it they way he does, hard and fast. We are different people who like different things and if we DONT communicate what we like and how we like it, who the hell could anyone learn what pleases another?

Mrs Greene, use his body as a masturbatory aid. Grind on his leg, on his knee. Ask him to touch your other erogenous zones while you do this. Keep going until you orgasm.

Have him relax his hand and you take control of his hand touching your self the way you like it. The places you like it.

Take turns giving and receiving directions. You go down and do only what he tells you. He goes down and does only what you tell him. This can actually be funny and a good laugh. Which is should be because sex is FUN!

You didn't break him. He might be hurt, but he will be okay.


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## thread the needle (May 4, 2015)

If your husband is that fragile then he needs counseling. That's ridiculous. 

Has he ever played sports? 

Did the coach with knowledge of the sport teach him the skills needed for the game?


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

MrsGreen15 said:


> This is a random thread that I found. I needed to put this out into the world for someone other than my husband and I to discuss to death.
> 
> My husband as a child didn't receive a lot of affection. Pretty much nothing. Because of this he never learned. We have definitely met in the middle with this one. (Kissing, holding hands, cuddling on the couch etc.) All is A OK!
> 
> ...


Have you talked about this outside the bedroom or only in the moment?

That's the ticket. And you're going to have to be bold and push past your own reluctance to do this, and push past any reluctance he has in hearing it. But just keep yourself light and bubbly, yet direct. You can use a sultry voice, as you are suggesting things you want to try or how to change up things you have already tried. Even if he wants to feel defeated and retreat, just don't let him. Be kind but bold, be sexy but assertive in getting your needs met. Don't apologize for what you are saying, just make sure you aren't saying it in a way that gives him any cause to feel insulted. If he feels insulted anyway, just let it slide and keep trying. 

How have you talked to him so far? Do you agree you were maybe critical instead of constructive? Or did you blurt something out in a way that sounded too stern, right in the middle of sex? If your approach was crappy like this, then apologize for it and just start over in a separate conversation.

I have a great sex life, and part of the reason it is great is because we talk about things. We have an on-going conversation about our sex life. We have sexual goals and plans, even. We do discuss how we could each do something better or different that would fulfill the other one more greatly.

To get to the point of having a great sex life, just start those conversations now, and plan to have them throughout your lives together. Make communication about sex something that is easy breezy, sexy and fun.


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## dash74 (Jan 3, 2015)

Make up a sex card game or buy one they have them for ios android too i have one called bliss and its customizable if is done within the context of a game it may take the pressure off of him you have to make it fun 

also try the Interactive Sex Questionnaire for Couples | Mojo Upgrade test you both have to do it, you each take it privately and it will only show things you have a match with its an easy sexual conversation starter


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

jorgegene said:


> men are real touchy about this stuff.


This is very true. Men like to feel they instinctively know how to do it.

MrsGreen, do you sound like you're a drill Sargent when "critiquing" him, asking him to slow down, or asking for it more gently. I suggest you phrase you're desires just as they are; you're desires. Like, "it feels so good when you're gentle", " I want to feel it slow and easy". You want to say it in the form of what you want rather than what he's doing wrong and needs to correct.
Years back my son and a couple of his friends, aware of my past history, asked me for advice pleasing women in this area. I referred them to best overall instructional video for men. Play it and tell your husband, in an innocuous way, this is the kind of girl he married. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pnVOt2LK2Gg


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Watch the movie "True Lies", specifically the scene where Jamie Lee Curtis does the strip tease. It is a good couples movie with plenty of guy stuff and plenty of chick flick stuff, too.

Anyhow, in that scene she is given instructions specifically on what to do. Move this way, turn that way. No not like that. etc. It is a game you can play with your husband, where he is your sex slave.

Most men really like making their wife cum, and enjoy watching her as she does. So it should be a fun experience for him when you do. But I guess the caution is that he shouldn't be pressured to the point of feeling as if there is something deficient about him if you don't. 

You can give him positive reinforcement when he is doing something right. If he switches to something different that isn't working, you can tell him to go back to what he was doing before because it was working for you. You can give directions in a positive way, saying "oooh, a bit more to the left", rather than saying "nooo, more to the left".

When my wife was trying to get pregnant and we had fertility issues, having sex quickly became a chore for me. My sole job was to deliver sperm to the egg. Not only boring but high pressure and mechanical. It is possible your husband is starting to see sex in a similar way, where his only job is to do it right, whatever that is.

I suggest you try more playfulness and fun, where the O is but one of the good parts. You could have his night, her night. On his night he sets up a scenario of some sort, and you do what he tells you. Maybe he wants to recreate the True Lies scene. Maybe he wants to watch you masturbate. Maybe he just wants a bj. You wear what he says, you only touch him or kiss him when he says so. Then on your night it is reversed. He only does what you instruct him to do.

Another idea is to do mirroring, where you simultaneously do to him what you want him to do to you. His penis is a good representation of your clit, and his testicles can become a substitute for your vagina. So touch him where and how you want to be touched. He'll enjoy whatever it is you do to him, which becomes positive reinforcement for him, instead of being negative "no not there, not like that" verbal corrections.


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## Blaine (Jul 23, 2015)

Hi Mrs Green sorry for ur problem but this may be one of my pet peeve's. It seems lots of women and men are very good at "slapping hands" but not very good with praising for what is done right. Humans work on the pleasure/pain principle we look for pleasure and try to avoid pain, or as i call it the carrot and the stick. The problem is each of us has a different carrot and different stick. (this is y some people enjoy pain) To fix ur H you will need to let him have a "win" not a fake win but nurse him along to earn one. Yes the male ego is fragile and i tell women that even if ur H isnt in control let him think he is. There are several ways to teach him and some have been mentioned but it may depend on what his carrot and stick are.


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## EVG39 (Jun 4, 2015)

I have a hard time imaging a husband being this fragile. Are you sure he is that delicate regarding this topic? Most men take a lot of pleasure and pride in being able to please their women. Most I think like direction. We aren't women we don't know what feels good to you, and each individual woman is different so a man has to learn from each one anew. Being told either explicitly by words or implicitly by action would I think be most welcome. I know I always appreciated it. And found it exciting.
And if he is that touchy here, what is he like outside the bedroom?
Something just seems off to me.


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

afab said:


> A husband is not the student of his wife.


Uhh. No.

It's her body. I don't care how good a man "thinks" he is, unless she tells, there is only guessing.

We are all students of our spouses.



afab said:


> I am sure resentment has already set in. He seems to be doing his best. Instead of critique you should give praise when its earned.


No. 
He's not a child. If he's doing something wrong (yes you can do things wrong sexually), what's the issue with correcting?

If my wife was giving me a BJ and heavily using her teeth, should I just appreciate the attempt, no matter if it was hurting?


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## MrsGreen15 (Aug 26, 2015)

Wow! Thanks guys! Good turn around in this thread! I think my husband is more fragile then most. He's worried he doesn't kiss the right way. I'm worried it has become somewhat of an expected chore in his head. I used to know exactly how to turn a guy on, how to prance around and get his attention, how to be playful. I've lost a lot of confidence lately. I'm nervous that if I attempt any of this he'll think I'm hounding him to give me what I want. Finding a playful approach is the best idea I think. 
If he's super stressed about life issues right now is it best to let this go for now and pick it back up once things have settled down around us? 
Our sex life has never been this dry. I'm so anxious.


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## Illbehisfoolagain (May 7, 2012)

I thought I had responded last night, I typed up a nice response, but must have forgot to hit the reply button or something. 

When you are trying to "teach him", do you say it sexy like? Like, I tell my man at least once during sex to "Eff me slowly" or gently, its all part of the natural dirty talk that happens during sex. Are you real vocal, or just when you are giving him instructions? Also though, if you guys have been together that long, if he ever took any real interest in it, he would know how you like it for sure, and not just always do it just how he likes it. However, I feel like not everyone can be a great lover, just like some people are really horrible dancers, some are great dancers lol.


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