# Separated 6 months and No Changes



## confusedandwonderingman (Jul 7, 2013)

My wife and I separated 6 months ago. It was due to a long time of broken down communication between us. She is the one who decided to leave. We have been married 7 years and together for 11. The breakdown in communication happen because of life changes like focusing on work and pursuing more education. We just lost sight of the marriage. Well i know at least I lost sight of them due to pursuing advancements at work and with my education. There has been no infidelity between us. We have no children. She has moved into her own place up the street. I am living in the home with our two pets. During the past six months, we have had some positives like changing directions with careers and prioritizing goals for ourselves. Other than that there has been no progress. The setbacks by far outweigh the progress. 

I do love my wife very much and want this to work out. I know we can do it because we are both amazing people. I have attempted to keep communication between us positive. She has gotten to the point where she is broken down emotionally. I see her friends out and they tell me she loves me and I need to talk to her. I am so confused because now she is telling me she needs space. I am fine with giving her that space and time. Since we are married I don't feel like an extended no contact is appropriate. Extended being months of no contact. Currently we are no contact, and i plan on giving it a few weeks. 

I have been working on myself both physically and emotionally. Reading and exercising. Any advice or guidance would be appreciated.


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## ReGroup (Dec 6, 2012)

You can't work on a marriage living separate lives.

Her wanting "space" is a tremendous red flag. It usually means a 3rd person has entered the marriage.

How was she acting prior to the separation?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

ReGroup said:


> You can't work on a marriage living separate lives.
> 
> Her wanting "space" is a tremendous red flag. It usually means a 3rd person has entered the marriage.
> 
> ...


:iagree:Rule out another man before pursuing any r with her because it will only be a waste of time.


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## confusedandwonderingman (Jul 7, 2013)

tom67 said:


> :iagree:Rule out another man before pursuing any r with her because it will only be a waste of time.


I can't rule it out entirely but I am pretty sure there is no OM. before she left she was breaking down emotionally. For a while she was trying to tell me there were issues. I thought time would fix what was wrong. We both failed at communicating with each other. Now we are in the current situation. She is not open to counseling at this time. I am doing no contact for a few weeks. The weird thing to me is her best friend seems very supportive of us working things out. I know that doesn't mean a lot but it was good to hear. I have mostly just tried to communicate with her on a neutral level. That still seems like to much for her. Maybe she is dealing with more than just our issues. I suppose some could be family related. Other than no contract for now, I am not sure what to do.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ReGroup (Dec 6, 2012)

How old are you both?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## confusedandwonderingman (Jul 7, 2013)

ReGroup said:


> How old are you both?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


We are both in our early 30s.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ReGroup (Dec 6, 2012)

Fill us in a little more - tell us about your sex life. 

Did it dip right before the separation?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## woundedwarrior (Dec 9, 2011)

Long separations only allow one or both of you to adapt without each other, making reconciliation harder. Usually the person who needs more time is "testing the water", before cutting the rope.


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## confusedandwonderingman (Jul 7, 2013)

Our sex life didn't dip right before we separated. To me this is kind of surprising. I would have expected that and probably picked up more quickly that something was seriously wrong. I do believe I knew we were on a downhill, but I thought it would blow over. I do fault myself for not trying to address it then. The past is done though. The only thing that can be different is the future. I would totally like to see a happy future with us together.

Even if we are not together in the future, I think I will be happy. This state of limbo is the killer though.

She says I am the same and wanted to give up on us before. There are times I want to give up even now. I never could. I feel like we at least need to try and talk about what would make us both happy. 

I am the type of person that if I was with someone else I would end this limbo. This something we have talked about before and agreed to be upfront about it if we got involved with someone else.

Regarding "testing the waters", cut the damn rope already. Not what I want or think is a good idea at all. I do think that prolonging this is the dumbest thing if it is testing the waters. I feel like I can see a happy future. We have so much to gain being together. So many things we can do together.

I will say that I have grownup a great deal over the past 6 months. Before we didn't really have any responsibilities and no financial worries. I feel more like an grown ass man than I ever have. I never considered the possibility of having children of my own because I was so career oriented. Now that I have taken a step back and been enable to reevaluate my life to this point, I know the value of family.


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## confusedandwonderingman (Jul 7, 2013)

How long to wait with the current state being in limbo is something I struggle with constantly. Being in the same house feels like my life is at a stand still. I did recently change jobs which has helped some, but I can not seem to get out of this rut. My mind is constantly thinking about what will happen. I have admitted to myself that I have no control over anything but myself. 

Is there any really good reading that can help me deal with the separation and possibly help with communicating better with her?


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## woundedwarrior (Dec 9, 2011)

The only way separations benefit are to set guidelines. How long, how much contact, no dating etc. Therapists recommend 30- 90 days, but with some kind of outside mediator & no longer than a year. After the first few weeks of no contact, to clear your head, calm down or whatever, you need to have weekly "dates". Living two separate lives does no help at getting back together. If she is wanting more time than 6 months & still minimal communication, I believe she is moving on, but afraid to hurt your feelings, maybe hoping you'll draw a line in the sand with an ultamatim & making you the bad guy. She is obviously risking you getting over her? 6 months is enough time to know what you want? I feel for you.


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## confusedandwonderingman (Jul 7, 2013)

Thanks for the information and opinion. I kind of feel along those same lines that she is moving on. If that is the case i am ok with that. It will hurt like hell, but I respect myself and her enough to let it be and move on myself. I just need something definitive. I don't want to go down the ultimatum road.

She says she is sorry she is not strong enough to work on us right now. She said i found a way to upset her after I ran into this weekend and talk to her after she said she did not want to hang out this weekend. We were going out to dinner weekly fairly regularly until about the past two weeks. I am going to do NC for the next 2 weeks as a sign of respect and wanting her to truly have a chance to process her emotions and thoughts.

I need to clarify "She is obviously risking you getting over her?". I am not a 100% clear what that means. Does that mean that maybe she wants me to get over her, so I initiate the divorce?



woundedwarrior said:


> The only way separations benefit are to set guidelines. How long, how much contact, no dating etc. Therapists recommend 30- 90 days, but with some kind of outside mediator & no longer than a year. After the first few weeks of no contact, to clear your head, calm down or whatever, you need to have weekly "dates". Living two separate lives does no help at getting back together. If she is wanting more time than 6 months & still minimal communication, I believe she is moving on, but afraid to hurt your feelings, maybe hoping you'll draw a line in the sand with an ultamatim & making you the bad guy. She is obviously risking you getting over her? 6 months is enough time to know what you want? I feel for you.


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## woundedwarrior (Dec 9, 2011)

Whenever a couple separate & live elsewhere, both people run the risk of the other believing "the grass is greener" or just plain adapting without each other. The longer it goes, the risk increases.
Usually a mediator will preside over a couple to make sure the time is being spent on saving the marriage & not ignorring or using the free time as a distraction. Couples will then meet with mediator together or separately to discuss progress. When you separate with no game plan, you live in limbo hell until one of you says enough. Hope that helped.


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## beyondrepair (Aug 17, 2013)

:iagree:

I am in your shoes, separated 6 months and ready to sign divorce papers. 

I guess when women say they've checked out, they have.

Best of luck.

Hope for the best but definitely prepare for the worst.


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## ReGroup (Dec 6, 2012)

confusedandwonderingman said:


> Thanks for the information and opinion. I kind of feel along those same lines that she is moving on. If that is the case i am ok with that. It will hurt like hell, but I respect myself and her enough to let it be and move on myself. I just need something definitive. I don't want to go down the ultimatum road.
> 
> She says she is sorry she is not strong enough to work on us right now. She said i found a way to upset her after I ran into this weekend and talk to her after she said she did not want to hang out this weekend. We were going out to dinner weekly fairly regularly until about the past two weeks. I am going to do NC for the next 2 weeks as a sign of respect and wanting her to truly have a chance to process her emotions and thoughts.
> 
> I need to clarify "She is obviously risking you getting over her?". I am not a 100% clear what that means. Does that mean that maybe she wants me to get over her, so I initiate the divorce?


Your focus is in the wrong place - wouldn't you say?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## confusedandwonderingman (Jul 7, 2013)

ReGroup said:


> Your focus is in the wrong place - wouldn't you say?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Regroup,

You maybe be right. I am trying to focus on what is right. As we all know, emotions are all over the place im these situations. Can you elaborate on what you mean, so that I can reevaluate my focus. Thanks
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ReGroup (Dec 6, 2012)

confusedandwonderingman said:


> Regroup,
> 
> You maybe be right. I am trying to focus on what is right. As we all know, emotions are all over the place im these situations. Can you elaborate on what you mean, so that I can reevaluate my focus. Thanks
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Completely understandable. 

Your emotions are completely out of whacked. You are trying to make sense of your world right now. 

And YOUR world at this time hinges on your spouse.

That's the beginning of the problem.

The priority needs to become YOU and only YOU.

It's the only way out of this mess no matter what the outcome is.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## confusedandwonderingman (Jul 7, 2013)

I have been thinking a lot about how long I want to let things in limbo with no apparent progress. I have tried to be respectful of my wife and her feelings. Keeping in mind that what she says may or may not be true. Maybe I am a fool for believing she is being honest, but maybe not. She has said to me that she feels like she could endure any amount of pain to get through this. That sounds like she wants to work on things at some point, but it has been 6 months with no progress and her being cold. Is it reasonable to tell her that we should work on this relationship if we have any want to someday be together?


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

CAWM,

Conrad is not here to help you today, but you have ReGroup. He is great resource. He has dealt with enormous pain and confusion and come out alive and kicking.

Your wife does not love you. WAW seldom return. A separation of the sort you are having has nothing whatsoever to do with respect. If she respected you, she would have shared her inner thoughts. What does she wish of her life? She has some nagging feeling that life is passing her by. Is it children for which she longs? A hotter more alpha guy? Who knows exactly she wants sexually and emotionally? You cannot read her mind. 

While you feel that you are in limbo, she may feel that she solved the problem. She doesn't have to touch you in bed at night. She hated that. She doesn't have to eat breakfast with you. She was sick of that.

Are you digging to find out if she has been cheating? Are you friends on Facebook? If she is a social media type person, you can probably pick up some clues. Who pays her cell phone account? Can you get her call log over the past 6 months to see the numbers she calls and texts?

Use this NC time to 180. You need to protect yourself from further hurt. Assume that she is not interested in reconciliation. Right now you have two week NC deal. Are you longing to see that time pass so that you can contact her? Don't contact her. That just displays the neediness that has killed her attraction to you.

Get the gym or train hard at whatever you do to stay in shape. If you smoke, go cold turkey. If you are overweight, lose it. If you skinny, bulk up. If you can spare the dough, buy some nice clothes. Go to a good barber and get a advice on what style change you could make.

Take up Thai kick boxing or climbing. Maybe Crossfit. Give your self confidence a boost.



> She has said to me that she feels like she could endure any amount of pain to get through this. That sounds like she wants to work on things at some point, but it has been 6 months with no progress and her being cold.


The pain of what? Loneliness? Celibacy? 

Does she want to experience a period of having no man in her life so that she can fill it with same one she already rejected? 

Did she say that she would not date for 6 months or cultivate male friendships?

If you are economically comfortable, you could hire PI to find out what she does with her spare time.

Can you take vacation time? Find a buddy and go deep sea fishing or learn to scuba dive.


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

Sorry you are going through this.

My situation is the same as yours and I am here to tell you to do the 180, go dark no contact.

My WAW (married 22 years, no kids, no infidelity) came back looking to R after 14 months. Unfortunately, I had been seeing someone for 12 months at that point because I felt she was not coming back and I could not R at that time.

My point is this, the time frame for her to wake up is unpredictable. Could be 12 months, could be two years and it could be never. Work on yourself, give her the space, NO CONTACT(it forces them to realize what they are giving up). At some point, just like I did, you will decide that you can no longer wait and you will start living what will be your new life.

I don't want to give you false hope, but in contrast to others here, I think she'll be back within 18 months. However, if I am wrong, it won't matter because you will have been preparing to move on the whole time.

You be strong friend,
Stretch


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## confusedandwonderingman (Jul 7, 2013)

Stretch,

Thanks for the background on what your situation was like. This give me encouragement to continue to go no contact. The toughest thing for me with that is that she has said in the past that I did not communicate my feelings and I put no effort into the relationship. There is some truth to that, but I was not totally disconnected form our relationship. I think I am finally starting to see that whatever she says during this separation can't be taken to heart like I have been doing. I just need to take care of me and do the no contact. If she comes around and I am ready that's great. If she doesn't, then that is just the way it is and I am still going as strong as I can, or if I am no longer will at that time then that is how it is.

I appreciate all of the input and background on others situations. It really helps me keep things in perspective and not get caught up in the emotional side of things as much.


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

What were the terms of your separation if you do not mind me asking?

Dating?
MC?

I would continue to work on yourself with NC and in 90 days rengage in some way. Maybe ask her on a date? Or ot go to church? Or to go to MC

Stretch


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## confusedandwonderingman (Jul 7, 2013)

There were really no terms of the separation. We did discuss being with or dating some one else. That was a deal breaker for both of us. We should have got into counseling right when we separated. Now she is not interested or not strong enough to do it. She is in her own place now, so that is a year lease. That is a definite end time. If things go that long and still nothing I will be the "bad guy" and file.

Ninety days without contact is a long time. We share responsibility of the pets when I am gone from the home. She takes care of them. I am going to keep up the NC for as long as I can. Normally our conversations don't revolve around the relationship, so I have at least kept that under control.



Stretch said:


> What were the terms of your separation if you do not mind me asking?
> 
> Dating?
> MC?
> ...


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## confusedandwonderingman (Jul 7, 2013)

I know its only been a few days, but I am still holding strong.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Zomb (Aug 12, 2013)

confusedandwonderingman said:


> There were really no terms of the separation....


Hi Confusedandwonderingman, sorry you are going through this. I am going through something similar so I hear you mate. Keep coming to TAM, because you will get some great advices here.
In my opinion, as some people have said above, the fact that she asked for a separation without suggesting any reconciliation plan is a sign that she is trying to move on. A separation without a reconciliation plan is just some middle ground to become single again. 

That means that she might come back to you in the future but she does not want to be your wife at the moment. Use that thought to get strength to work on you pal. 


_*"If things go that long and still nothing I will be the "bad guy" and file."*_

If you don’t work on yourself now by doing the 180 or NC you will not feel better in 6 more months, then you will not be able to file for divorce... I have known people that stay in a emotional attached for 1 or 2 years after separation, just because they were just waiting for their partners to come back, only to end divorcing after that... We cannot allow that happen to us, because our life is more than one person... 

Bes of the luck mate.. You have our support... Keep coming here..


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## confusedandwonderingman (Jul 7, 2013)

How does one know when it is time to file the D? I have been feeling pretty good about myself as of late. I have been involving myself in a lot of physical activities and socializing with friends. I don't think about the outcome or reconciliation much other than remembering that we are still married.


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## woundedwarrior (Dec 9, 2011)

I'm glad you're doing better. Unless there are financial issues between the two of you, there is no rush into divorce. Just keep up what you are doing, since she hasn't filed yet either, there may still be a chance for R in the near future. Usually at the year mark, one of you need to file, so you can move on completely.


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## confusedandwonderingman (Jul 7, 2013)

Just met with my wife this evening. She had to pick somethings up. We talked for a few minutes and I did not breakdown like I have in the past. Just kept my cool and talked about work and other non relationship related things. She was giving off an angry or upset vibe as usual. Not really sure how to take her reaction. Is her reaction to be expected? Is it positive and part of the normal behavior of a wife when she has left?


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Six months with no true clear direction is hard. However even though you state you long for her, want her back, you are perfectly fine moving on with life if need be. You say you have limited contact yet you "ran into her" during the weekend. You said a week ago you were going to go NC for two weeks a week ago. 

Yet tonight she needed something out of the house? She has been out for 6 months, what would have been that important suddenly? Was it something of value? When she came over did you "hover" around her or did you just let her in and go back to what you were doing? 

Look for subtle clues I guess, her demeanor was cold I believe you said, was she dressed nice, was her make-up done up? Did she look like she normally does? Did she look worse than usual? These will give you clues. Did she want to play with the dogs? Did she even notice them? Again it will give you clues. 

My opinion only but it sounds like she is searching for something better in her mind thus the time and space lines. You two seem to have plenty of contact, just enough probably for her to know that if she wants to come back she can whether you talk about it or not.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

What pets do you have?


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## confusedandwonderingman (Jul 7, 2013)

She looked like she normally does. I let her in and went and got her spare car key that she wanted. Initially I did not say anything. Just handed her the key. She cursed and said "your not saying anything". I did not lose my cool. I did speak to her for a few minutes about work and what was going on with the our families.

We have cats. She played with them for a few minutes.

Since a lot of of our original problems stem from the lack of communicating, I am hard on my self for not saying anything like when she first arrived last night. Now that I am out of the fog I was in for so long, I really want to communicate better and more than I did before. I was reserved before and tried to avoid confrontation. I would say I was a "nice guy". I know now that I could be a better partner in a relationship. When never we do have contact now should I still be reserved or communicate like the new person I feel I am?


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## beyondrepair (Aug 17, 2013)

confusedandwonderingman said:


> Since a lot of of our original problems stem from the lack of communicating, I am hard on my self for not saying anything like when she first arrived last night. Now that I am out of the fog I was in for so long, I really want to communicate better and more than I did before. I was reserved before and tried to avoid confrontation. I would say I was a "nice guy". I know now that I could be a better partner in a relationship. When never we do have contact now should I still be reserved or communicate like the new person I feel I am?


IMHO you can be cordial and generally happy around her, without being overly enthusiastic, just dont talk about anything related to your relationship.

Show her you are perfectly fine by yourself.

Dont initiate contact, but return her calls.

Just remember to set some firm boundaries / dont tolerate any abusive language.

Personally, after 4-5 months I once thought I was on the road to R, but after 6 months I informed my STBXW I was filing for divorce (since she had returned to her abusive behaviour whenever I dropped off the kids, etc.).

Fake it till you make it.

Just my 0.02$.


Best Of Luck to you.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Why did you stay in the family home and she move out? Who is paying for her new place?

The cats seem to be a kind of connection that has survived the separation. Is that why you are keeping them? Why not tell her she can have them or you will sell them? Why keep them since looking at them will just trigger thoughts of her?


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## confusedandwonderingman (Jul 7, 2013)

She initiated the separation, so she moved out. I am living in the house for the time being. Financially it is not an issue. She can't have cats at her new place. She is paying for her new place. Them triggering feelings is minimal at this point and they are good pets. I would not put them out as long as I am living in the home. If I move at some point, then other arrangements will have to be made.


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## confusedandwonderingman (Jul 7, 2013)

I am having a tough day. Since it is getting close to the holidays, I am thinking about the happy times in our relationship. We haven't been speaking much at all. She will only respond if I need her to look after the cats. I went away last week one evening and had her take care of them. It was a last minute plan, so I was not able to give much notice to her. She seem a little upset over the matter. Should I feel bad? It is a minimal inconvenience and she could have said no. 

The holidays have to be some of the roughest times for those going through a separation. I was so used to going to the in laws and eating dinner. This year will be different. My family is extremely small, so I will definitely need to adjust.

Today I am definitely feeling the want to contact her. All my efforts to better myself and I still have moments like this. What should someone do when they fall back into wanting to contact the spouse when separated?


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## woundedwarrior (Dec 9, 2011)

That is completely normal & the reason why staying in "limbo" never works, I bet she's not thinking the same thing? You have to get to the point where you are "all in or all out". You have to either confront her & force a decision or force yourself to forget about her. I still believe that 6 months apart is long enough to know what you want? If she doesn't want to give up, then she has to tell you, so you can set up a plan to get back together. Women separate to get over you, explore the horizons & emotionally move on & once they have, they will usually file & blindside you because you were still hoping?
I would get an answer before Christmas so you can start 2014 knowing where you stand. She's had long enough.


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## confusedandwonderingman (Jul 7, 2013)

I definitely hear what you are saying. At some point I do need to make a decision. I am going to give it a few more weeks, so that I have time to think it over. I want my thoughts to be straight, so I am not making any brash decisions. I think it truly is a shame not to try, but it takes two committed people. Maybe I can forget about her for a while? If not I will have to make a decision.


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## woundedwarrior (Dec 9, 2011)

If you confront her, then she is making the decision, she either wants to try or she doesn't? Sadly I think she has already made it & you are just being kept in tow, just in case? Giving up is hard, but you can't succeed with one of you. I would ask her before Christmas & then bow out. If you don't divorce, cut her completely out of your life, no favors etc. She thinks you are still a back up, show her you're not.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

I will sound blunt but you have had six months of limbo now and your are going to give yourself a few more weeks before making a decision? You have thought about it, obsessed over it, we all do. You are still hoping she will change her mind and try and reconcile? Nothing is forcing the issue for her to change her mind. 

The cats just as an example, she could have gotten a place that accepted cats. She doesnt want them in her life. Its time for you to find a new person to care for the cats when you are gone. Does she ever ask to just come over and see that cats? Probably not. You are hoping to keep that connection between the two of you, she isnt. I did the same thing with the dogs and cats in the beginning. I asked her to help out with the animals. She is just looking at it as a burden, a connection she wants to move on from.


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## confusedandwonderingman (Jul 7, 2013)

I appreciate the bluntness. It does make the reality of the situation a little clearer. I just figured today was a good day to post since it the eve of Thanksgiving. I used to not over think the holidays because I felt, so lucky for what I had. Its tough having a smaller family on my side. I will miss the feeling part of a bigger family this year. I am strong though and I know I have a lot of decisions and changes to deal with in the future.

I hope we all have a happy Thanksgiving!


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## Keenwa (Oct 26, 2013)

I have not read all the posts in this thread, but just my general sense is that your relationship cannot go anywhere if she does not agree to counselling together. When one person is shut down, it puts you at a stand still. I was really ready to walk out last spring, but my husband asked me if we'd go together to therapy. I couldn't see the purpose. And while I am still thinking of separating, we are at a much better place now, at least we can talk about what has happened, how we got here, how we want to proceed, it's like all the hurts and pain are out of the bag, and though it still sucks at least we seem to have learned to appreciate each other. So if we do separate it will be from a better place. You can't work on relationship if you are not in a relationship. I don't want to go out and make the same mistakes again if I do move on, so it's important for me to figure out the role I played in this. 

Anyhow, just wanted to throw that in. Could be a good boundary for you to set, to say to her "I love you very much but am only willing to think about being together if you will go for therapy with me, of not, I need to move on.".


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## confusedandwonderingman (Jul 7, 2013)

Keenwa,

I think it is great that you and your H are going to therapy. I wish my wife and I could go together. As more time passes I think giving up on a marriage without trying to work together is the cowards way out. That is why I have been hanging in there. I admit that I was oblivious before. I played the passive role. My wife and I know we both contributed to the communication issues. Right now we are not putting the effort into the marriage while we are separated. I have had my doubts since we have been separated, but I know that I want to try. Working on my self has been a big help, but I still have low times.

I really appreciate a woman's perspective that is in this situation. I am sure you love your husband. Did the friendship between you go away? What if anything would need to happen for you to want to reconcile with your H?


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## confusedandwonderingman (Jul 7, 2013)

I had a revelation last night. One of wife's best friends and one of my friends spoke to me. They told me that my wife wanted to see me last night. I was out with some other friends. She came to where I was at. I went over to talk to her after she arrived though not as soon as she came in to the place I was at. When I came over she moved to another table. Not sure I understand her actions. I spoke to her best friend later in the evening because she ask to talk to me. She wanted to tell that my wife talks about me and how she misses me.

I am not sure I can make sense of her feelings and her actions. I do know though that her friend is trustworthy and cares about both of us. She knows are situation and does not understand the "games" that are going on. I do not understand either. I know that there must be more issues than just are relationship bothering my wife. Possibly family related issues. It is hard because I want to be there for her in her time of need but I cannot be.


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

Your wife acts like a high schooler. What is the attraction?


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## confusedandwonderingman (Jul 7, 2013)

LostViking said:


> Your wife acts like a high schooler. What is the attraction?



I agree these are high school games. She acts like this now but did not before. The attraction is not the same. She is my wife. I consider not fighting for our marriage cowardly. That is why I continue to fight for it. That is where I am at.


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## Keenwa (Oct 26, 2013)

confusedandwonderingman said:


> Keenwa,
> 
> I think it is great that you and your H are going to therapy. I wish my wife and I could go together. As more time passes I think giving up on a marriage without trying to work together is the cowards way out. That is why I have been hanging in there. I admit that I was oblivious before. I played the passive role. My wife and I know we both contributed to the communication issues. Right now we are not putting the effort into the marriage while we are separated. I have had my doubts since we have been separated, but I know that I want to try. Working on my self has been a big help, but I still have low times.
> 
> I really appreciate a woman's perspective that is in this situation. I am sure you love your husband. Did the friendship between you go away? What if anything would need to happen for you to want to reconcile with your H?


No the friendship is still very strong, we truly care about each other, but I guess our inability to communicate properly and say how we feel to each other, just meant the relationship degraded over the years. He is very passive so I took control, I have a leadership type personality and he doesn't so I took over, and he followed. I don't feel like i have an equal partner. I feel like though we talk a lot and have a great friendship, it is not a partnership, nor is it a man woman relationship. it's a friendship. He supports everything I do, but he doesn't have his own life. 

I'd say, perhaps in that scenario in the bar if this was information that was shared in confidence about your wife wanting to talk to you, you should have waited for her to come to you. Sounds like she was angry that you took the first step. Yeah I'd say her reaction was "childish", but then we don't know the whole story either. We all act childish at times when it comes to our emotions. All I can say is that for me, I am really aching for my husband to take a stand. I think I would really respect him more if he set some boundaries and didn't just let me set them all. I wish he'd take his life in his own hands and start living for himself instead of solely for his family. Maybe your wife would respect you and step up the plate if you said "honey I love you very much, but I can't keep waiting, and you're giving me nothing, so I am willing to wait "x" weeks and after than I am going to assume you are not interested in working this out at all, and I am going to move on with my life". At this point I'd say you have absolutely nothing to lose. You would just be asking her to go to therapy with you, nothing big, but something. Just to take a step either in the relationship or out of it. You can't love someone who doesn't love you back.


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## confusedandwonderingman (Jul 7, 2013)

She was upset that I did not come over right away. I do agree that I need to go to her and tell her I love her very much. And then follow up with if you would like to work with me on our relationship, we need to go to counseling within "x" amount of time and if not I am assuming you are not interested in this relationship and I am moving on.


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## confusedandwonderingman (Jul 7, 2013)

Tomorrow is what would be our seventh anniversary. I feel like I can do anything I want at this point. I have nothing to lose as far as the relationship goes. I may not bring it up to her or I may politely show my appreciation for the majority of the past 7 years.


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## confusedandwonderingman (Jul 7, 2013)

I took her flowers and got takeout for dinner. I went to her place, and she was not to happy that I just show up unannounced. She calmed down and we talked for a few hours after eating. The conversation was fine. We just talked about work and other non-relationship related stuff. There was a movie on tv and after it was over I left. Told her to have a goodnight. 

I went into it feeling like I have nothing to lose. I even offered just to leave the food. She did not tell me to leave. I am not concerned with making our situation worse. I really just wanted to feel like I am trying. I am fine with whatever the outcome is. I won't being doing things like this anymore. This may be the last anniversary, and I am ok with that. This feels like closure. At this point it may not be too much longer until I start the final chapter. I have a few more things to get in order, and then I can start that final chapter.


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