# Struggling with husband's emotional affair



## vballchick10 (Mar 5, 2010)

My husband started a new job a few months ago and has had to go to a few week long training days. In February I went to pay our cell phone bill and noticed he had sent a lot more texts than me that month which has never happened in the 11 years we've been together. I didn't recognize the number he had been texting so I asked him about it and he told me he had become friends with a woman that he met while at training. She had just filed for a divorce. I became paranoid and started checking our cell bill every day. They were texting around 50 times a day and he was deleting a most of the texts. I told him I wasn't comfortable with their friendship and asked him to stop texting her. He was very angry and accused me of not wanting him to have friends or anyone to talk to other than me but he said he would stop. This led to him sneaking around. He signed up for an internet texting site so it wouldn't show up on our phone bill that he was still texting her. I know the password to his main email account so he created a couple of email accounts that he doesn't think I know about so he could send some of the texts he was deleting to his email to save them. I finally found a text that she had forwarded to him by accident that her husband had sent her and it said "OMG, I love you!" His response was "I think I'm falling for you too." We had a huge fight and I was ready to take our baby and leave. He swore he wouldn't text her again and begged me not to leave, but he continued to try to text her without me knowing.

I finally got so fed up that I texted the OW. I was very nice and explained things from my point of view. I told her that we were struggling in our marriage and all of our fights were about her and I asked her to cut off communication with my husband. I was shaking when I texted her because I didn't know how she would respond. She was very nice. She apologized, said he had told her that we were separated, and that she would stop texting him. She stuck to her word and stopped responding to him for almost a month. He texted her many times and she never responded back. He was so mad when he found out I had done that but he started being a better husband for a while. He was much nicer to me, our sex life has been much better than it's been in years, and he is much more affectionate.

Last week he had training again and she was there. I know they talked because he told me they had and they texted a couple of times. Instead of sneaking with the texts, he showed them to me which was an improvement. This week he will be 3 hours away staying in a hotel and she will be at this training as well. I asked him if I could go and he wouldn't let me. I know he will have a roommate and so will she, but I'm sick to my stomach thinking about them being there together. He keeps telling me that I have nothing to worry about because he loves me and has been so happy lately but I can't help but worry. I know they haven't done anything physical but they will be in a hotel for almost a week. There will be plenty of opportunity for them to "hang out" and do whatever they want.

What should I do??? I thought about going there and surprising him and staying anyway. I've thought about before he leaves tonight making him share all passwords (because I don't know them all and he doesn't know I know some of them) and everything with me to hopefully help keep him a little more honest. I'm just going to drive myself crazy if I stay home. Part of me wants to just trust him and let him go but I know he has feelings for her even if he's told me over and over that he doesn't. I feel like he's addicted to flirting with her and I'm scared it will turn into more.


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

vballchick10, you have a lot to worry about. An EA can be deadly to your marriage, and this one has all the signs that this is headed for trouble.

First thing, you and your husband need to read "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass which will give you an eye-opening education on just how lethal EAs can become.

But that's going to take a little time to read, and your husband is on his way out-of-town with his text-lover real soon. You have to find some way to c0ckbl0ck. They've already exchanged "I love you's," so that ice is broken. Now that they're at the same hotel, the chances it goes physical are very high.

Your husband is addicted to this woman. He has the in-love chemical influence guiding him now. The way he snapped at you when you objected to his friendship was typical of a drug addict being denied a fix. 

Don't believe any assurances you get from him or the girlfriend to trust them. She's single and available and he's addicted to her. They're going to fook this week. I'm sorry, but all the signs are pointing that way.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

She knew or didn't care that he is married. If she truly cared she would be pissed and wouldn't still be texting him. Only solution may be for him to find a new job. You can't live like that every time he goes out there for training, you will go crazy from the stress.

His reaction has been standard - angry that you don't trust him, angry that you tell him not to be friends with her, angry when you text her to tell her to back off. You have zero reason to trust him. Hidden email accounts, texting apps. They professed love for each other. But you are the bad guy for not trusting him. 

Make it clear to him that he is to have zero contact with her, outside of the direct work/training. He will agree but don't take his word on it.

If you can get a babysitter - go out there. Three hour drive? Easy.

Do you know the training schedule? There will be a free night or two. These are the danger nights. Drinks will be flowing.

If you cannot get out there hire a PI to watch him. Will be expensive but will give you some peace of mind. They are both staying in same hotel so wont be 100% foolproof.

His actions need consequences. Any inappropriate contact or if he goes back on his word - file for divorce. Shock him to his senses. It will make him say WTF am I doing? You don't necessarily need to go through with divorce.

I caught my wife exchanging inappropriate texts while on a business trip. I pu$$yfooted around for a few weeks before I laid down the law. It will take a long time to rebuild trust.


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## BetrayedAgain7 (Apr 27, 2013)

What do you mean he wouldn't let you go to the hotel?

If you want to go, then go. Actually his refusal is a very good indicator that he is up to no good.

He's in it up to his eyeballs sorry to say.

It's a bit late now, but it's just been taken underground because you confronted to early.

Can you contact her H and let him know what his wife is up too?
That is necessary if you want affair to come crashing down around their ears. He has to be snapped out of this addiction and this is one of the ways you can help to do just that.

Also start getting your finances in order so you are not left high and dry if push comes to shove.

Do not under any circumstances, let this "training" week go ahead without you being there. 

The fact that your stomach is sick is because intuitively your gut is telling you it's a whole lot deeper than you suspect. 

Sorry, but my feeling is it's already gone to a PA during their "training" days together.


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## nikoled (Mar 12, 2014)

2 1/2 weeks ago I caught my husband in an EA and there is NO way I would let him go on the trip you are describing right now. The fact he told her that he was separated would make me really uneasy. My husband's EA had been going on for 4 months with a coworker and for 2 of those months our relationship was the best it had been in years which is why it took me by surprise. I wouldn't equate a better sex life/more affection with things being all better and would not give him too much trust yet especially when he is being put in situations where he will be with her. I wouldn't be able to handle that. The OW in our case no longer works with my husband. If she did, I would have insisted he change jobs immediately. I have made him make drastic changes to his work schedule already. Anyways, in your case I would go along on the trip. I wouldn't trust at this point. Not at all!!


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

vballchick10, I just saw that you posted several days ago that your husband is contacting other women on websites. I know you'd like to trust your husband and you're hoping for the best but right now you have to think the worst.


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## vballchick10 (Mar 5, 2010)

I was excited that he had finally gotten out of sales so he wasn't traveling all day every day and he had an office job where he wouldn't spend his days contacting other women on adult friend finder sites. He completely stopped signing up for those sites once he started contacting this coworker. I want to trust him but I know that I can't right now.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

vballchick10 said:


> My husband started a new job a few months ago and has had to go to a few week long training days. In February I went to pay our cell phone bill and noticed he had sent a lot more texts than me that month which has never happened in the 11 years we've been together. I didn't recognize the number he had been texting so I asked him about it and he told me he had become friends with a woman that he met while at training. She had just filed for a divorce. I became paranoid and started checking our cell bill every day. They were texting around 50 times a day and he was deleting a most of the texts. I told him I wasn't comfortable with their friendship and asked him to stop texting her. He was very angry and accused me of not wanting him to have friends or anyone to talk to other than me but he said he would stop. This led to him sneaking around. He signed up for an internet texting site so it wouldn't show up on our phone bill that he was still texting her. I know the password to his main email account so he created a couple of email accounts that he doesn't think I know about so he could send some of the texts he was deleting to his email to save them. I finally found a text that she had forwarded to him by accident that her husband had sent her and it said "OMG, I love you!" His response was "I think I'm falling for you too." We had a huge fight and I was ready to take our baby and leave. He swore he wouldn't text her again and begged me not to leave, but he continued to try to text her without me knowing.
> 
> I finally got so fed up that I texted the OW. I was very nice and explained things from my point of view. I told her that we were struggling in our marriage and all of our fights were about her and I asked her to cut off communication with my husband. I was shaking when I texted her because I didn't know how she would respond. She was very nice. She apologized, said he had told her that we were separated, and that she would stop texting him. She stuck to her word and stopped responding to him for almost a month. He texted her many times and she never responded back. He was so mad when he found out I had done that but he started being a better husband for a while. He was much nicer to me, our sex life has been much better than it's been in years, and he is much more affectionate.
> 
> ...


You will go, or he won't. Put your foot down. You as a married couple will get your own room, even if that means at your own expense. The town is only 3 hours away? Big deal. Go with him. No man, and no company, will say no to that, especially if you're paying your own way.



vballchick10 said:


> I was excited that he had finally gotten out of sales so he wasn't traveling all day every day and he had an office job where he wouldn't spend his days contacting other women on adult friend finder sites. He completely stopped signing up for those sites once he started contacting this coworker. * I want to trust him but I know that I can't right now.*


No, you can't, can you? That means you have two choices: stay and fix it, or leave and let him do other women. Neither of these is a great choice, by the way. I'm sure you druther open Door A, where you lived happily ever after. He isn't hard enough for that. By that I mean he apparently doesn't have the discipline to do that. Soft spine. Mush for brains. 

Am I getting through?


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

I would seriously be considering divorcing him, Unless of course he gets his priorities right, and decided what is more important to him, you this other woman or the other women he has been talking to on these website that you have posted about on the other thread.

Yes, I would be really worried about this upcoming training course, I would not be at all happy with the thought that she will be there when hes there. Its obvious he has feelings for her, I am not really sure what those feelings are Exactly, but there is something there.

You want to trust him, but how can you. Why cant you go with him when he does this course???..... he just seems so dishonest to me.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

That OW might not be a problem to your marriage. But the next one could be.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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