# Is this really it



## tommurphy (Apr 7, 2012)

No matter how much I talk to my wife about how I feel
and let her know that I should have been there during
The misscarage and how sorry I am for not seeing that I
Wasnt there enough emotionaly to help her get through it
She just says im rehashing everything I said before and she
Isnt going to change her mind about wanting a
Divorice. But I want to fight to keep us together I want to do 
Anything to save us to get us back to what we had when we first got
Married when we were happy but she says her mind
Is made up. Could this be it? What else can I do to save us?
To keep the one person that has ever understood me 
The woman I love with my whole hart and soul
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## chozengrlc (Aug 5, 2009)

From personal experience I found out I had lost my baby at my 13 week ultrasound just 2 weeks ago. My husband couldn't have been more distant during that time. He finally explained to me that he goes on autopilot after feeling angry and considered divorce myself because of my frustration at his lack of care and concern. All you can do is apologize. If she doesn't want to talk about it, then don't talk about it. Everyone deals with pain differently. If she needs to walk away then I guess give her the moment to breathe and figure out what she really wants, all you can do if you love her is tell her so and be there for her despite her choices.


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## tommurphy (Apr 7, 2012)

I will always be there for her nomatter what happens
It just hurts to lose her and I never wanted this to happin
I should have talked to her and kept her close to me and 
And went through it together insted of alone and for that im sorry
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

She had a miscarriage and you chose not to be there for her?

No matter how many times you apologize it doesn't change the fact that you chose not to be there. 

The damage has been done and she's not going to forgive you just because you keep saying you are sorry. She wants the marriage to be over and you keep trying to save it even though it's not what she wants.

Stop making it about you all the time. That's why she wants out.

Do you understand this?


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## chozengrlc (Aug 5, 2009)

That is sad to think that it is over forever. There is always hope. Dont believe Lenzi. I had a miscarriage and I still very much love my husband despite his own habits of grief. Let her decide if love overcomes loss. If not...than you are still lucky to move on while young enough.. Everyone has to decide their own fate. Don't let this message bored decide your future. She needs comfort and friendship during this grieving time. You don't have to necessarily talk about the loss but be there as best as you can as a friend. You can never go wrong being supportive.


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## tommurphy (Apr 7, 2012)

she was at the doctors office for a ultrasound when it happend I wanted to be there not at work.we had no indications that anything was wrong I had taken her to the er the day before for spotting and her pregnancy hormones where still risingng not dropping I would have taken the suspension at work if I would have known
I wanted to be at the ultasound to see the baby but the er doctor told us everything was ok.I love my wife I didnt want her to go through it alone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

If you didn't know it was going to happen and you would have risked being suspended for what was supposed to be a routine visit then you have nothing to be sorry for and either she's totally over reacting or she's using that as an excuse.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

What exactly are you sorry for here?

How could you have known she was going to have a miscarriage? 

What is her reasoning behind wanting a divorce? Just the fact that you somehow failed to ignite your 6th sense and fly over the town to be by the hospital bed when she got the news?

That's hard to believe.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

This isn't a time for logic. Your wife is hurting terribly and with good reason. She's functioning on broken emotions and you're liable to hear all sorts of bizarre stuff. Her accusation is really the sound of unspeakable anguish. You aren't The Almighty and can't fortell the future. Say you're sorry (maybe lots of times). Make it very clear that you're also hurting for the loss of your child. What will speak louder than words is your actions. Go out of your way to be caring, supportive, patient, and available. Trust in the power of your relationship to weather this dark time and give her some time. Time will probably help heal this rift. Don't freak out if she mentions divorce. Often, folks say hurtful things because they can't find a better way of showing how badly they're wounded. Anger is a normal part of the grieving process. The marriage aint over till the judge says it's over. Till then, you're her husband and your wife needs you to be strong and help her through this.


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## tommurphy (Apr 7, 2012)

the misscarage happend in the middle of january but she said that I emotionaly changed in june when my dad passed away that I became the person that I was when we first broke up 14years ago that I wasnt the same person she married I was the same person that caused us to breakup twice before.she also tells me that we dont mesh that she looks at her cusion and her boyfriend and sees that were never going to have that.but we did or we would have never had gottin married
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tommurphy (Apr 7, 2012)

unbelievable said:


> This isn't a time for logic. Your wife is hurting terribly and with good reason. She's functioning on broken emotions and you're liable to hear all sorts of bizarre stuff. Her accusation is really the sound of unspeakable anguish. You aren't The Almighty and can't fortell the future. Say you're sorry (maybe lots of times). Make it very clear that you're also hurting for the loss of your child. What will speak louder than words is your actions. Go out of your way to be caring, supportive, patient, and available. Trust in the power of your relationship to weather this dark time and give her some time. Time will probably help heal this rift. Don't freak out if she mentions divorce. Often, folks say hurtful things because they can't find a better way of showing how badly they're wounded. Anger is a normal part of the grieving process. The marriage aint over till the judge says it's over. Till then, you're her husband and your wife needs you to be strong and help her through this.


tried to make small talk tonight but she really didnt say much she wont look at me and her answers are short to anything i ask about. i dont know what to think anymore.i do what she will let me like her laundry and i make her lunch for her like a always have before all this happend i just do stuff that any husband would do for there wife.isupport her and ask how her day was and try not to talk about her work and i dont talk about mine or bring it up because she says thats all we talk about but she acts like she is so mad at me that she cant stand the sight of me. i just dont what to think.


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## reggis (Apr 11, 2012)

tommurphy said:


> .she also tells me that we dont mesh that she looks at her cusion and her boyfriend and sees that were never going to have


How can you possibly say that. 

People get married under false pretenses ALL the time.

That's why they subsequently get divorced.


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## tommurphy (Apr 7, 2012)

reggis said:


> How can you possibly say that.
> 
> People get married under false pretenses ALL the time.
> 
> That's why they subsequently get divorced.


I dont understand what you mean by that. There was somthing there that she was attracted to for her to come look for me a year and half after she quit working at the place where we first met.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## reggis (Apr 11, 2012)

tommurphy said:


> I dont understand what you mean by that. There was somthing there that she was attracted to for her to come look for me a year and half after she quit working at the place where we first met.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I meant that people often don't marry the person they think they are marrying because they're caught up in the emotions of it all. They jump in without much thought, and then when the dust settles they realize they made a huge blunder.

You said there "had to be something there" for her to want to marry you and you're still saying it, and I'm saying it's a matter of her thinking there was something there that wasn't there.


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## tommurphy (Apr 7, 2012)

reggis said:


> I meant that people often don't marry the person they think they are marrying because they're caught up in the emotions of it all. They jump in without much thought, and then when the dust settles they realize they made a huge blunder.
> 
> You said there "had to be something there" for her to want to marry you and you're still saying it, and I'm saying it's a matter of her thinking there was something there that wasn't there.


_Posted via Mobile Device_

I understand what you mean now.but I can see if we were married fo a few years but we have been married for 9.but we dated on and off for almost 5 years before we got married


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## mule kick (Apr 10, 2012)

I was in the same boat as you for the last month. I mean, different situation but same confusion and pain. Pining away over the loss of the only woman I've ever loved. What I realized is I don't want to spend the rest of my life with someone that can retain so much resentment over something so innocuous and let it spread disharmony and bitterness through the rest of the relationship. If this is how things are now, what happens in 5, 10, 20 years as more innocent things get resented and magnified?


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