# My letter to the OW...



## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

My fiance cheated on me last summer while I was in Arizona getting us set up for our new life there. I was pregnant with his child. He came clean in September. I have been in limbo since..up/down, love him/hate him, forgove him/don't forgive him...

The triggers are horrible. But most of my problem is the girl. I don't know her, but she haunts me everyday. She knew about me and the baby. In my mind, she is just as culpable. He owed me fidelity, but knowing the situation, she had the responsibility of being a decent human being. I hate her and I don't even know her. 

He and I are working through things, counseling and just plain talking...no worries, he is to blame and he knows it and I make it clear. But to me, the interlopers are just as responsible and I want her to know the pain she helped cause. 

My letter to her that I sent....wouldn't mind your thoughts. 


*I am sure you wish I would just go away and stop hassling you. I'm not purposefully trying to. Trust me, I wish I could just let it all go as well. But you inserted yourself into a situation where I was incredibly hurt. Unfortunately, this is the aftermath. 

I don't want to make assumptions about what your life is like but I imagine that it's a pretty decent one and you probably wake up every morning with little to no worries aside from the normal pain in the ass ones that come with being an adult. That is great. I envy you for it. You see for me, my life, is a constant yo-yo. My emotions are all over the place. Some mornings I wake up fine and I look over and see him laying next to me and I couldn't love him more. Then other days, I wake up, look over and I absolutely hate his guts and I hate yours because I can't help remembering what the two of you did. 

Now, you didn't know me. You didn't owe me anything. But you knew about me. You knew about the baby I was carrying. You had a choice where he was concerned. You could have chosen to be selfish and set caution to the wind and sleep with him. Or you could have given 2 seconds of thought to what sleeping with him would actually do to the girl he supposedly loves. Unfortunately, you chose to be selfish. I don't mean to cut you down, I'm just stating facts as I see them. You are a hot 22 year old that made herself available for a guy looking to keep himself occupied until it was time to leave town. He was angry with me over not having an abortion and leaving the state. He wanted to punish me and get revenge. You fell for it. For whatever reason, that sounded good to you. But there are consequences to what the two of you did. The problem with that is I am the only one paying for it. Not the two of you. Nothing has changed for either of you. Andrew got to keep his fiance and fall in love with his daughter. You..well as I said, you probably have a nice life and probably don't give a second thought to what you took part in.

But me? I hurt everyday. Your face haunts me. I hate that I hate you. Because I don't normally hate anyone. The rage I have towards Andrew and yourself is crippling and mind numbing. You see, Andrew may have expressed to you that we had problems, maybe he didn't really love me, he didn't want this baby..blah blah blah. (He told you whatever he thought you wanted to hear to get in your pants) but the entire time he was telling you this crap, he was telling me how much he loved me and how much he missed me. I believed one thing about our relationship but the reality was very different at that time. Which is heart wrenching to find out that the love of your life has betrayed you. 

When I was 22, my then boyfriend killed himself in our home and I had to suddenly grow up insanely fast. Relationships in the last 12 years since then have not been easy for me. I have been disappointed and hurt over and over again. I thought all that had changed when I met Andrew. We were ridiculously happy until the pregnancy happened. My daughter was an accident and **** hit the fan. Things were changing, but I never stopped believing in him and us. Unbeknownst to me..he didn't feel the exact same way. 

Yes, I decided against not having the abortion. Why? Because sitting in that waiting room it dawned on me..I love Andrew with everything I have. How in the world can I kill a part of him? Why wouldn't I fight for this little baby as much as I would fight for him any given day? That decision changed our whole lives. Now, I had the problem with where was I going to move to with my 3 year old and a baby on the way. My landlord had given me 30 days notice and I needed a place to live. Andrew and I could have moved to South Brunswick where I worked, but he decided he didn't want to live there. Financially, I had run out of options and the only one left was moving all of us to Arizona where my sister was. The only problem was that I had to leave him behind for a month. I hated that I had to leave him and it hurt like a *****. But I was thinking of us as a whole. What I didn't know is that he was doing something very different with his time while I was gone. 

I hate that he was with you and that he touched you, probably all the same ways he has touched me before and since. I am jealous that I had to share the man I love with you, and I didn't have any choice in the matter. You slept with him in the bed we conceived our daughter in. You made a remark about my picture on his desk and he promptly removed it. He called me later Sunday afternoon and I had no idea what had just transpired. We were not just boyfriend/girlfriend casual relationship. My son had grown to love him by this point, Andrew had already asked me to marry him the previous month. We were committed to having a life together. Now I feel like a fool, I feel like I was disregarded and no longer mattered. I was made to be insignificant because the two of you just had to sleep together.

I'd like to think that you are a decent person aside from what happened last summer. And while Andrew is responsible for his actions and was responsible for staying faithful to me as I was to him...he was also honest with you about me and about the pregnancy. You slept with him anyway, which makes you just as culpable. I don't know if you have ever been cheated on by someone you truly love but I wouldn't wish the pain I feel on anyone, not even you. I hope you are spared in the future. I hope your future boyfriend/fiance/husband/father of your child(ren) makes better decisions than mine did. 

You told me that you didn't sleep with taken men normally. God how I wish you hadn't made mine the exception. What the two of you did almost destroyed my relationship...all for what? The sake of having sex? You could of had anyone...you chose him. I hope eventually I can let this all go and I really hope that one day I can stop hating you (I know you probably don't care about that...but I do). 

I needed you to really see this from my perspective and I wanted you to know the actual facts of Andrews situation back then. I believe in for better or worse and I truly believe he and I are meant to be and what we have is stronger and bigger than a one night stand between the two of you. If I thought for a second, he had real genuine feelings for you or anyone else and that he would be happier elsewhere, I would let him go. I love him enough to want him happy and healthy, even if it is not with me. 

I know none of this probably matters to you, but it is important that you (the 3rd party in my relationship) know how your actions effected me and almost effected this family. I know you already told me you are sorry and I believe you. I am not seeking out more apologies. Most of this letter was therapy for myself..in hopes that getting it off my chest will help relieve the anger I have towards you. Someone I don't even know that is probably a really nice person. I hope you can understand.*


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## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

If she slept with him knowing about you and the baby I am not sure any letter could move her.

Send the letter and then move on. Focus on making the relationship work.


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

Oh trust me, I have had moments where I want to punch this chick in the face...most days I don't feel mature. But I know that I won't get her out of my head by feeding my anger. 
I need to be the bigger person...somehow. 

I just want her to know that she did something hurtful..and she may not care now, but when she is older and something similar happens to her, she is going to remember this letter and say "Now I get it" 

Well one can hope anyway. 

She probably won't get half way through it and hit the delete button.


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## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

If she eventually figures out the horrible wrong she has done...all the more to her. I think, just like the WS, the OW/OM is self consumed with their emotions and do not think of the others they are hurting.

Good luck to you Lisa!


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## sunshinetoday (Mar 7, 2012)

I would not send that letter. I thinks it's probably helpful to you, to have written it, but I wouldn't give her the satisfaction that she had such an ongoing effect on you. Good luck!

_-- Sent from my Palm Pixi using Forums_


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

For you: The letter is probably good therapy and was worth doing.

For her: I really don't think she'd give a ****

APs are fully aware of what they're doing and will distance themelves from you physically and mentally most of the time (unless they think they can physicaly 'beat' you), they are not bothered about you at the time and they aren't bothered about you now. If you send the letter or confront them they will put 99% of the blame on your other half, some will even try to blame YOU by saying it's your fault the affair happened.

If you're going to send the letter, you'd be best coating it with a layer of LSD. That way you know it will have SOME kind of effect.

Best wishes

N-B


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

sunshinetoday said:


> I would not send that letter. I thinks it's probably helpful to you, to have written it, but I wouldn't give her the satisfaction that she had such an ongoing effect on you. Good luck!
> 
> _-- Sent from my Palm Pixi using Forums_


Ditto. You may also be giving her too much info.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

glad you wrote the letter




now don't send it


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