# Loss of respect & attraction, SAHM,



## trouble1231 (Jun 15, 2011)

My husband and I have been married 6 years and in the last two I have become a SAHM/WAHM and care for our two children full time. I started a new business that I can do during the kids nap times that does not make a lot of money but keeps my mind active. Since I have been in charge of the family and home my relationship with my husband has taken a turn for the worse. Last night he berated me nearly to the point of verbal abuse. He has impossibly high standards and sets me up for failure so he can be mad at me. He claims that he is supportive of me taking care of the family and how much he respects my hard work but his actions say something else entirely. He is always short and snipes about everything I do. He is mad at me because I went to the grocery store but didn't do the task he wanted me to do despite not giving me the information. I can never ever satisfy him and work harder every day to do so and only end up getting yelled at. We do not connect on any level and he won't have a simple conversation with me. I've been around kids all day and am dying for some adult interaction but he never seems interested or worse, uses my attempts as a chance to come off at me. Sex is non exisitant-and when it does happen he rarely seems to enjoy it. My biggest problem is that he talks to me so rudely and disrespectfully.I don't feel like I have any power to make it stop since I don't have full time work and cannot afford to work and put the kids in daycare with my salary range. It has been getting worse daily and I don't know how to make it stop. He undermines me with disciplining the kids and then complains about how much he hates to come home because they are acting up. His solution is to give them candy so they won't scream and upset him. Now my two year old yells at me, hits me and throws his food and always gets "rescued" from a time out if Dad is around-not because I am being harsh-he just hates the noise. I break my back trying to be his "girlfriend" and make a nice homecoming every night and tell him how much I appreciate that I can be here to take care of our kids. I'm starting to realize the issue is not my work but something with him. Most nights I end up making different dinners for each person and if I do make a nice family dinner he is either not hungry or just wants a salad even when he knows I have been cooking all day. I get a budget for groceries in my account weekly and he usually handles it but didn't this week and then yelled at me for overdrawing the account. I feel like a selfish criminal for buying groceries! He is mad that I didn't buy what he wanted at the grocery store despite my asking 3 times for him to make me a list and then he doesn't eat what I buy anyways. He has refused to speak to me for days because his bath towel didn't smell fresh once or because he spilled something in the fridge (which I cleaned up) but says it was my fault it happened. Keep in mind that I take care of two kids (including a 2 year old),run a home business, have a part time job, go to school, do volunteer work in addition to my maid and wife jobs so the house may not always be as perfect as I would like (or he would like). He thinks I don't do enough. He has one job and is asked to watch the kids for an hour at night so I can take a bath and gets snitty about that. Is there anything I can do to restore respect in our relationship now that I have let this get so bad? Are we doomed?


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## mikey11 (May 31, 2011)

Sorry to be so harsh but you are a doormat, how do you please this man?....you can't....how do you please yourself?....leave
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

He sounds like a controlling d!ck. 
You can't make someone happy that is always angry. Has he always been this way? Or he was and it just got worse over time? 
Your post was a trigger to my past. Ick. 
Get a job, save money. 
Talk to him about how his behavior is affecting you. If he's doing this in front of the kids too you can bet they are picking up on it. Have you asked him to go to counselling? Does he listen when you say you're upste? Next time he yells at you, tell him you won't stand for taht and will leave the room if he's going to talk/treat you like that.

He has no respect for you. So I'm not surprised you have none for him. Talk about a major buzzkill.


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## DrWife (May 20, 2011)

mikey11 said:


> Sorry to be so harsh but you are a doormat, how do you please this man?....you can't....how do you please yourself?....leave
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:


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## trouble1231 (Jun 15, 2011)

Thanks for the support everyone. I started to realize how pathetic it really is as I wrote the post. I've been subscribing to the Dr. Laura concepts trying to be a good wife and think I may have lost my dignity in the process. I am ready for "the talk" tonight and have some counseling referrals. I'm not ready to give up just yet but things have to change, RIGHT NOW!!! Thanks again for the help


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

This exhausted me just reading about it. 
Could he be acting this way to make you leave him. He may not want to be in the marriage, instead of telling you, he acts like an a$$ to make you leave.

He's an abuser. Take a stand, or make plans to leave.


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## Boogsie (Aug 24, 2010)

trouble1231 said:


> Thanks for the support everyone. I started to realize how pathetic it really is as I wrote the post. I've been subscribing to the Dr. Laura concepts trying to be a good wife and think I may have lost my dignity in the process. I am ready for "the talk" tonight and have some counseling referrals. I'm not ready to give up just yet but things have to change, RIGHT NOW!!! Thanks again for the help


The Dr. Laura approach (if you are referring to the proper care and feeding of a husband) is a good thing if you are a SAHM AND you are married to a balanced man. You, sadly, are not.

Woman up. Stand up for yourself. When he is treating you badly, tell him you will not tolerate it. And DON'T tolerate it. NOBODY deserves to be treated like that. Disrespect is a huge pet peeve for me now.

Maybe try this: Someday when he comes home from work, tell him you had a hellish day, and you didn't have time to cook his dinner and he will have to fend for himself. 

If he TELLS you do do something, TELL him to do it his damned self. 

This is a big one, if he ever, ever, ever, ever complains about something you do for him, that he asked you to do, tell him to do it himself next time, then he can be damned well sure it is done correctly.

You can be a loving husband or wife without getting all the Nike tracks on your back.


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## Mephisto (Feb 20, 2011)

Boogsie said:


> This is a big one, if he ever, ever, ever, ever complains about something you do for him, that he asked you to do, tell him to do it himself next time, then he can be damned well sure it is done correctly.
> 
> You can be a loving husband or wife without getting all the Nike tracks on your back.


I have actually done this..... my wife asked for my help with x,y,z. After completion I was *****ed at because they weren't done the way she wanted them..... she was told to either accept the help as it came, or to do it herself.... a few things she continued to ***** about now don't get done by me. Which comes up occasionally as a bone of contention still. 

You really need to have roles sorted and rules of engagement, otherwise referred to as boundaries.

Good Luck.


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

You should not get your advice from Dr. Laura!

Your husband sounds like he may be a Narcissist or have some other type of personality disorder. Normal people don't act like that.

I would get into therapy for yourself right away to help build up your self esteem. Living with someone like that destroys you as a person. Even your kids are disrespecting you now!

You have a lot of power and you may not realize it. First of all, if you are a SAHM, if you divorce, he will have to pay you alimony and child support. Sure, you may have to move to a smaller place, but your sanity and home life are worth it. You also have the power to stop allowing yourself to be treated like dog poo.
You have to allow your kids and your husbands to deal with their own feelings. Make ONE dinner. If they don't like it, tough crap. Tell them they are fee to not eat or make something else. But don't take on their BS.

When your husband complains about what you are doing, tell him that he is free to do it himself if he doesn't like the job you are doing. Most of all, STOP trying to get affirmation/approval from him. He has shown you that he isn't going to give it to you. If he is a N, he is incapable of giving it to you.

Seek help with a psychologist who can help you get strong enough to get out of your situation. Life is too short to be emotionally abused like that and you don't want your kids to watch a man abuse his wife and think it's okay. They will repeat that behavior when they get older. Show them that mommy respects herself and refuses to be treated poorly!!!!


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## rikithemonk (Jun 8, 2011)

This is a very simple one. You simply need to get a job. Stop being a stay at home mom. He sees you as a leach. He looks around and doesnt see signs of hard work. He is geting resentful and he feels used. He no longer enjoys being around you because of this. 

Either way, you need to get a job. Your future will go in one of two ways.

1) If things don't change the resentment will grow, he will have an affair and will leave you when he is certain he has found your replacement. You will need a work history to survive.

2) You get a job, even a poor one and he begins to feel like your sharing the responsibility and that he has a partner who is pulling their weight. Now, you both do housework together because your both working full time. This means he cant complain because you both washed dishes, vacuumed, folded cloths, etc. 

I know you want to be a stay at home mom, but whats the point of it if you loose your husband? He already sees you as dead weight? How much longer do you really think it will last?


Bye the way, I speak from experience. My wife was a stay at home mom for many years. It was the worst part of our marriage. I felt used, and I seldom saw any sign that she did anything all day. I became very resentful toward her. When our daughter entered kindergarten, I payed to send the wife to school. She got a degree and entered the workforce again. Everything changed. I no longer felt she was a dead weight. Which was exactly how I felt. We began doing chores on Mondays together. Her experiences out of the house gave us things to talk about. Everything changed and we've been together over 15 years.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Get a job, save money and leave if things dont change (and most likely they won't).


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## SadieBrown (Mar 16, 2011)

trouble1231 said:


> Thanks for the support everyone. I started to realize how pathetic it really is as I wrote the post. I've been subscribing to the Dr. Laura concepts trying to be a good wife and think I may have lost my dignity in the process. I am ready for "the talk" tonight and have some counseling referrals. I'm not ready to give up just yet but things have to change, RIGHT NOW!!! Thanks again for the help


Marriage takes two, you can only be a 'good wife' to a man who wants to be a 'good husband' in return. Otherwise you just end up being a doormat as has all ready been pointed out. 

And what you describe in your first post is not 'almost to the point of verbal abuse', it IS abuse. It sounds like you husband is pretty good at dishing out some verbal and also emotional abuse. Leave him.


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