# Grass not always greener...



## ainezsvulnod519 (Oct 15, 2009)

Hopefully this entry helps someone out there. 

I recently got married back in May of 2007. This was my second marriage after spending 8 1/2 years in a very unfulfilling marriage. I am currently going through a second divorce due to my lack of understanding, lack of patience, immaturity and selfishness. 

I have 3 beautiful children all from my first marriage. Although I knew that I was not "In-Love" with my second wife, I married her anyway because she was a good person. She was faithful, honest and beautiful inside and out. We got along very well and we both were very much into church and our family. She openly admitted to me in the beginning that she was not good with children (my kids were 4, 9 & 14 when we married). I also noticed that there were some issues regarding some items from previous relationships that she found hard to let go. Even after we were married there were love letters, sexual paraphanelia, and cards from ex-lovers that were in plain view in our bedroom drawers and bags in our bedroom closet. I tried talking to her about these items and she became very defensive. She didn't get rid of the items until about 2 months later. This made me very angry because I felt like these items should have been thrown away once we got married or at the very least placed in storage if they meant so much to her. I began to harbor secret resentment towards her because of this. 

Also, there was some tension between me and her then 17 year old son. His father had been incarcerated for some time and he was used to being spoiled by his mother and having his own way. Although he knew that I made his mother happy I guess he felt like I was taking her away from him. As long as I was being the "cool step-dad", you know, buying him clothes & sneakers, giving him money, talking shop about sports and trendy things...everything was fine. The moment I tried to challenge him to pull his baggy jeans up or talk to him about going to church with us, and more importantly - to speak to his mother with respect, he began resenting me. The breaking point came when I came to his mother's defense after he basically told her off about what she was cooking for dinner and how he wasn't going to eat it. In the middle of a heated exchange he ended up telling me that he hated me (right in front of his mother). His mother never came to my defense regarding that situation. She felt like we were putting her in the middle of our dispute when I actually thought that I was coming to her defense because of his outright disrespect towards her. Things were tense around the house for months after that, and although things gradually got better between us, I admit that I was still a little resentfult about the situation and how my wife handled it. 

I wanted to provide some background first because I believe that the issues I mentioned above led me to make one of the biggest mistakes in my life. You might be saying to yourself that divorcing my first wife should be the biggest mistake because my 3 kids are with her, and I do understand your point. But I married my first wife when I was extremely young and remained in the marriage strictly because of the kids while knowing I wasn't remotely in love with her. It was a very volatile and verbally abusive relationship which ended upon me finding out about her infidelity. The reason my separation from my current wife hurts so much is because I really felt like God had given me a second chance at marriage. I do love my 2nd wife very much and I loved her when I married her. I just wasn't "in-love" with her. Due to the issues that were present in our marriage I became vulnerable. I ended up falling head over heels for the woman I believed to be the Love Of My Life (LOML). Unfortunately this woman was also unhappily married.

She is beautiful, articulate, spiritual, nurturing, and shares a lot of the common goals that I have. I never met someone like this before in my life where the physical appearance or sex was never the motivating factor. I began seeing her at work and ended up spending time getting to know her over the past 2 years. Everyone who knows me, recognizes that we have something special. I moved out back in September of 2008 and got my own apartment for a year. I wanted to use this time to find direction for my life and to see where this thing was headed with the LOML. Nothing changed. I filed for divorce from my 2nd wife earlier this year. I grew more and more in love with the LOML and further and further away from my 2nd wife. We have since bought a house together this past September. My kids absolutely love her (they never bonded with my 2nd wife). We both are going through the divorce process and are hoping to move forward with our lives together.

So why on earth am I writing this? How is this supposed to help someone you may ask? I'll tell you. Although I am trying to move forward with my life and the LOML, I've began to notice the signs of the mistakes that I've made. Number one, I wasn't patient with my 2nd wife. I made her feel like she had to be perfect and change overnight. She was upfront and honest with me in the beginning of our relationship about not being good with kids. I should have supported and encouraged her through that. I'm certain that she would have grown into an awesome stepmother to my kids. She was already making strides in that direction but sometimes we husbands have a tendancy to magnify the things our wives don't do instead of celebrating the positive things that they are doing. As far as the items that she kept from previous relationships, maybe it just took her time to recognize how something like that would affect her husband. After all, she had never been married before and we were only a few months into the marriage before this became an issue. The same thing goes for my step-son. I believe that by me becoming resentful towards him because of that arguement we had, I ended up sabatoging any opportunity I had to re-connect with him. I should have realized that at the end of the day..I AM THE ADULT and he was still just a teenager. I should have had more patience with him. When I moved out I thought he would really hate me, but guess what...he didn't. I began seeing another side of him. He was more compassionate and even showed concern about my well being. He invited me to his HS basketball games (he is a standout athlete who is now attending college on scholarship). 

It's sad that it took all of this time to realize where things went wrong and my role in it. I am fully responsible and accountable for what I've done to her and her son. I can't believe that I've caused all of this hurt and pain all for the name of LOVE. Although I have found the LOML I also can't help but recognize that it has come with a price. There are things that I notice in my present relationship that I never had to go through in my 2nd marriage. I also saw the tremendous spiritual growth and maturity that took place in my 2nd wife after I left. Yes she went through the hurt and pain and lost 4 dress sizes, but I also saw how she bounced back. She is resilient and I know she is going to get past this. I want her to be happy...she deserves it. 

I have since come to realize that the term "In-Love" is very fickle. How on earth can I say I love my wife and in the same breathe say I'm not "In-Love" with her? I understand now that being in love means hanging in there through the arguments & disagreements. It means growing together in good times & bad and accepting each others flaws. That is what makes the love stronger...not some fairy tale of holding hands walking along the shore while doves hover up above. Not to say that marriages can't have bliss, but I realize now that the bliss is only sustainable once a husband & wife have endured the storms of life together. I hope that this story will help husbands out there who feel they have legitimate reasons for stepping outside of their marriages realize what they really have at home (if they choose to look closely). Yes your wife may have issues, she may talk too much, she may nag and complain, she may not look like she did 10 years ago, but neither do you. She accepts you for your shortcomings and loves you in spite of them. She is an emotional creature by nature and that's how she expresses herself. Before you do something as stupid as I did...take a step back and look at what you really have. Look at what you have built together. Who else knows you like she does? Who else has your back the way she does even after you've made countless bad decisions? Who was there for you when you were out of work? Who makes sure that your family has hot meals every day. She is the one praying for you when you leave out the door for work. She manages the finances to make sure that the money you bring home is delegated accordingly. I only wish I would have looked a lot closer before I got myself in the mess that I'm in. I am a living witness that the grass is not always greener on the other side. Be Blessed


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

Wow! Powerful message. I wish my husband had read this post before or even now. We are still together and working through a very bad time. I do think he discovered your final message that the grass is not always greener. He had talked to the OW about a time when they no longer had to sneak around they could have a relationship in the open. When I discovered it I made him leave, so now he could do whatever he wanted and he didn't want that. Too bad the damage had been done. He has a second chance now, but as you pointed out that comes with a price. 

But there is hope and if he is patient perhaps we can put back what was at one time so special.

I do get your message but I wonder if you married wife #2 for the wrong reasons and had you waited, wife #3 really should have been wife#2. However, you did find your way to each other so live your life going forward with no regrets, take every day as a gift that you have been given. You have grown as a person and now you are sharing that message so thank you.


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## ainezsvulnod519 (Oct 15, 2009)

Thanks 4 the encouragement. It's all I can do 2 try and make some good come out of all of this. I am so done with the lying and deception that comes along with it. I only wish that the growth and maturity that has taken place in my life as a result of this situation hadn't come at the expense of the ones I love.

Be blessed!


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

I would just say it goes both ways. Women can overlook the same thing. In fact, I believe some woman have such a romanticized view of what love and marriage are supposed to be that reality - no matter whom they are with - doesn't sit right with them.

It is the struggles that you overcome together that make a marriage last forever. If it was all easy, there would be no divorce. Of course I am not counting abusive situations which have no place in marriage whatsoever.

But alas, our society has become to much me, me, me. And not enough we, we ,we. It is sad, the further we go with technology and communication the more we lack true communication. Look at Facebook (I'm sure I'll get slammed for this), but a lot of what goes on there is like high school on steroids. I'm done with my soap box.


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## momtobe (Nov 12, 2009)

Feelingalone said:


> I would just say it goes both ways. Women can overlook the same thing. In fact, I believe some woman have such a romanticized view of what love and marriage are supposed to be that reality - no matter whom they are with - doesn't sit right with them.
> 
> It is the struggles that you overcome together that make a marriage last forever. If it was all easy, there would be no divorce. Of course I am not counting abusive situations which have no place in marriage whatsoever.
> 
> But alas, our society has become to much me, me, me. And not enough we, we ,we. It is sad, the further we go with technology and communication the more we lack true communication. Look at Facebook (I'm sure I'll get slammed for this), but a lot of what goes on there is like high school on steroids. I'm done with my soap box.



I totally agree with you. Our society has been brainwashed into a materialistic, sex crazed, me give me mine NOW attitude. Maybe we need to go back to our roots and realize we should help eachother instead of ourselves. 

If couples stepped back, focused more on their spouse and spent less time on themselves, then most of the problems married couples face in a relationship would be less and much easier to tackle and get through. Not to mention the love that could grow from that perspective.


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## iwillsurvive (Mar 4, 2009)

While I think it's wonderful that you recognize that youf spouse(s) have had fault in making your relationships work/ not work, it does bother me that you were spending time building a relationship & having an affair with the new woman in your life instead of working on the life, family & marriage you already had. 

It sounds like as much as you were both into church and God you didn't give the Lord a chance to heal your marriage and make you stronger, instead you chose to have a relationship outside your marriage because it was what you wanted selfishly. 

I don't mean to be harsh, but as someone who has been cheated on it feels a little like you are saying that it's ok to cheat as long as the OW/OM is the "love of your life".


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## ainezsvulnod519 (Oct 15, 2009)

No offense taken. In fact, you are exactly right. Not a day goes by that I don't think about how I should have trusted God and taken Him at His word regarding my marriage. I am open to reconciliation because I have finally repented and turned my heart over to Him, but I'm so knee deep in this situation that I can't just up and leave without causing even more damage. I believe that if there is still a chance for my marriage to be saved that God will create a way out. For now I'm standing still and waiting upon Him to lead me and guide me. It took me almost 2 years to get myself into this mess and I don't believe that God is going to provide a quick fix to my situation. He wants to know that I am truly repentive for what I've done and that I WILL NOT allow something like this to ever happen again. Thanks for sharing...Be Blessed!


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## Lostandconfused (Jul 6, 2009)

ainezsvulnod519 said:


> I believe that if there is still a chance for my marriage to be saved that God will create a way out. For now I'm standing still and waiting upon Him to lead me and guide me. It took me almost 2 years to get myself into this mess and I don't believe that God is going to provide a quick fix to my situation. He wants to know that I am truly repentive for what I've done and that I WILL NOT allow something like this to ever happen again.


I would like to ask you to ask yourself: How exactly do YOU define repentence?

It is my understanding that repentence is a verb, an action to be taken.

Here's what Meriam Webster defines it as:

intransitive verb
1 : to turn from sin and dedicate oneself to the amendment of one's life
2 a : to feel regret or contrition b : to change one's mind
transitive verb
1 : to cause to feel regret or contrition
2 : to feel sorrow, regret, or contrition for

Now, the very fact that you are "standing still" leads me to wonder that even though you acknowledge your wrong doing and you feel regret for it, have you actually completed the ACT of repentence?

"To turn from" Would this suggest that you should remove yourself from the situation you are repenting about (i.e. living with this OW and continuing the relationship)? I can understand, and firmly agree, that waiting to hear from God for what your actions should be is the very most important. Having stated you repent, then please seek God's will as to whether you are to stop what you are doing, turn from it, and move towards the right behaviors. I'm not sure that God's definition of repentence includes "to turn from ONLY if it won't hurt anyone or be difficult."

Now, please understand this is just "my" wonderings. You are the one in the situation and you are the one who is asking God for direction in this situation so you probably have already worked through this.

Just my $0.02,
Lost


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

I'll admit that I didn't understand the post because he's left his wife and is with another woman and then is posting something that would hurt the other woman by lamenting what he has done. 

I'm with lost on this one -- why are you still with the other woman if the grass isn't greener? And how would she feel reading your post?


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## ainezsvulnod519 (Oct 15, 2009)

Thank you for your response and insight Lost. I agree that repentance involves turning from sin (2 Chronicles 7:14). My issue is that I don't want to lean to my own understanding by making an impulsive move that would be destructive because I didn't move when God said move. I recognize that I have had my "awakening" regarding what I've done but I believe that the next step is to consecrate and seek God's face for the next move. Furthermore I am not arrogant enough to think that my wife would even take me back after all that I've done to her. This is clearly about me getting my life back in order and learning how to trust God and allow Him to order my steps. Hopefully at that point I will have found grace in His sight and He will allow my marriage to be restored. Until then...I have a lot of growing up to do. Again...your $0.02 cents was worth it!! Be Blessed


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## ainezsvulnod519 (Oct 15, 2009)

Correct dobo! This is my dilemma. There is no easy fix for this one as someone is inevitably going to get hurt. The OW definitely has made it clear that she is not going back to her husband and we have purchased this house together. I don't want to leave her high and dry (although I did that very thing to my wife). My wife is currently renting the house we had from her dad so her situation is a little more manageable financially. The OW has totally turned her life upside down (and her 2 kids) just to be with me. I'm not looking for sympathy because I certainly don't deserve it. I'm simply saying that this thing is such a mess right now that I just want to do the right thing and not make another impulsive or selfish decision that I think will work out for my benefit. I have hurt too many people at this point and I think it is imperative for me to seek God concerning how to proceed. I hope & pray that a year from now I'll be on this site sharing my testimony of how God worked things out for everyone involved. I'm sure it will come with a hefty price to pay on my part. Thanks for your response dobo. Be Blessed!


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Does this mean you feel forced to stay with the OW?

Have you asked your wife if she would take you back?

IMO, while the OW turned her life upside down for you, she also took what belonged to another woman so if she gets hurt in this, it is sort of karma doing what karma does best. Dating a married man has MASSIVE risk attached to it and that includes the married man returning to his marriage.


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## ainezsvulnod519 (Oct 15, 2009)

dobo said:


> Does this mean you feel forced to stay with the OW?
> 
> Have you asked your wife if she would take you back?
> 
> IMO, while the OW turned her life upside down for you, she also took what belonged to another woman so if she gets hurt in this, it is sort of karma doing what karma does best. Dating a married man has MASSIVE risk attached to it and that includes the married man returning to his marriage.


Dobo:

Not necessarily forced but obligated. I am financially tied into this house with the OW and I've already heard through the grapevine that my wife has already started dating and is heavily into the Facebook thing. I do understand that I pushed her into whatever she is doing now, but how do I approach her once again and say I want to come back. Although I know in my heart that I am sincere and that a profound change has taken place within me, I'm afraid that she won't believe me. Trust me...I've repeated this pattern with her before. I tried to reconcile with her in the past but it wasn't successful because my actions were motivated more by guilt & shame and not genuine remorse and repentance. The only thing I can hold on to is that she still has not signed the divorce papers that she has had for almost a year now. She did send me an email 2 months ago asking if I would cover her on my car insurance until the end of the year and she will do the same with carrying me on her medical insurance until years end. I sort of took this as she is going to sign the papers in the new year to start off fresh. I just don't know. Do you really believe I should approach her at this point?


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Yes. And show her this thread. Print it out.


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## ainezsvulnod519 (Oct 15, 2009)

dobo:

I will seriously consider your suggestion. I will definitely pray about this before I proceed. I feel really vulnerable at this point. Like I will lose both of them because neither of them trusts me now. Once again, if that is the price that I have to pay then so be it. I just want to get back to walking in truth and being the kind of man I know that I can be. Thanks so much for listening and providing your insight. I'll let you know how things go...


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

You may lose both of them but regain yourself. 

Your marriage still trumps your affair in every way possible. So best of luck on this and do keep us up to date.


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## ainezsvulnod519 (Oct 15, 2009)

dobo said:


> Yes. And show her this thread. Print it out.


Dobo:

Just to provide you with an update. After much prayer I decided to write my wife a letter. I just returned from hand delivering it to her. She gave me freedom to speak with her for a few minutes and I appreciated that. She looks so much better than what she did when I first left. Her disposition was firm and she didn't seem too moved by my sincerity, but nevertheless, I am glad that I was able to speak with her. I was unable to print out the thread because it didn't capture all of the text so I directed her to the online forum so she can view it for herself. Some people out there might look at me like I'm the biggest idiot on the planet. I feel like I have nothing else to lose. I want my marriage and I want my wife and if looking like a fool is what it takes...so be it. I also understand that she is not the same person as a result of what I've done. My apologies and the letter I gave her may not amount to a hill of beans to her. I just want the lies to stop and I want to move on with my life and live it the way God has called me to. 

Thanks for your continued prayers and as always...I will keep you posted.

Be Blessed!


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## ainezsvulnod519 (Oct 15, 2009)

dobo said:


> You may lose both of them but regain yourself.
> 
> Your marriage still trumps your affair in every way possible. So best of luck on this and do keep us up to date.


Here is the latest:

It's been about a month since I reached out to my wife and let her know how I felt. We have been in contact periodically since then and things have been civil between us. She made it clear that she thought that I was just saying a bunch of words and that all she can look at is my actions. Since then she found out that she was being let go from her job and I have been helping her update her resume. This past weekend (during the snow storm) I went to her house to drop off copies of the completed resume and placed it in her door. The other woman was suspicious of my whereabouts and ended up calling my wife directly and found out that I had been recently speaking to her and I was helping her with updating her resume. She totally flipped out on me. Things got really ugly and violent once I got home and she ended up putting me out in the middle of the snow storm. Yes I did lie to the OW about where I was going when I dropped my wife's resume off, but I knew that she was insecure and threatened by my wife and she would have twisted everything around on me if I told her that I was simply dropping off her resume. To put me out over something like that says to me that there was more to it than she was letting on and this was an easy way out for her. Trust me though, I understand I must we reap what I've sown and I am only getting back what I put my wife through for the past 2 years. 

Fortunately my best friend and his wife took me in over the weekend and he helped me find a room to rent. The OW stated that when she called my wife, that my wife told her that when I reached out to her a month ago that she told me that she wasn't taking me back and she doesn't want me back. That is not what I remembered my wife telling me. Once I left the OW's house I immediately called my wife for clarification and it seemed to me like she was trying to clean it up by saying that she did feel that way when I initially gave her the letter but she has since been praying and seeking God's will for guidance. I don't know what to believe. I just want to get back to living my life the way I know that I can, with honesty and integrity. Someone on this post stated earlier that I may lose both of them but gain myself. That is so true. I wish my wife would just sign the divorce papers and let me go if that is where she is. I hope she is not using this situation to pay me back for what I did to her or to kick me while I'm down. I have to think about how I'm going to explain to my kids that for at least a month or two their dad won't have his own place for them to come and stay the weekend. There is no working heat where I am and I have to boil water on a kerosene heater, then walk up two flights of stairs just to wash up. The bathtub does not hold water so I have to wash up using the sink and a bucket. I am an educated, thirtysomething year old male who makes well over $50,000 annually, but this is what I've been reduced to. I don't know how long I'm going to be living like this but anything is better than a shelter (which was my first option). I believe God is teaching me humility right now and believe me...it is a tough pill to swallow. I hope my story helps someone out there...male or female. We are responsible and accountable for the choices that we make. Before you think about committing adultery, ask yourself if you are willing to pay the price. It may cost you more than you are willing to pay.

Be blessed!


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

ainezsvulnod519 said:


> Yes I did lie to the OW about where I was going when I dropped my wife's resume off, but I knew that she was insecure and threatened by my wife and she would have twisted everything around on me if I told her that I was simply dropping off her resume.


Just my opinion, but it doesn't seem you are ready to have an honest mature relationship with either of these women. If you feel you must resort to lying in order to keep them happy, you are not ready. 

It seems you want what you cannot have...and if I were your wife, I'd worry that if I did take you back that you would then miss the "love of your life"...in fact, if you pointed me to read this thread, the way you speak of the OW would be enough for me to know your heart isn't 100% with me and I'm not sure it ever could be.

There are children involved that don't deserve to get bounced around so for their sake, I really think you should spend time on your own until you are ready for a long-term commitment and relationship built on love and honesty...by love, meaning that you are more concerned with your spouses happiness than your own selfish desires.


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## ainezsvulnod519 (Oct 15, 2009)

Thank you Swedish for that response. Your words cut like a knife while I was reading them but you are right on point. _That is exactly what I am in the process of doing! _


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## Lynn422 (Jan 10, 2010)

This was an excellent post. My husband had an affair for a year and he did not leave but if he considered it I would have loved for him to have read your post. That took a lot of courage and honesty for you to write something like that. A lot of times people don't miss the water until the well runs dry.


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