# Failed R and ready to give up...



## ItLastsForever (Mar 8, 2013)

After a year of trying R with my WH, I am at the end of my rope. I hung on far too long, trying to hold my ground, but I failed. Now, if I bring up anything about our rugswept, year-ago elephant-in-the-room (his online sexcapades while our marriage starved from lack of intimacy), of course, I am "bringing up the past".

Then he goes silent for days. I had drawn up sep. papers 8 months ago when this happened and he wanted to R. Well, now our relationship has devolved into just avoiding each other and silence. EVERY conversation turns into a fight. So, I give up.

Right now he is at work and this weekend I am not looking forward to. He will just sit in the house in silence. I spent the night at friends and I come home to the same thing. He says he wants to talk and we end up fighting.

Now he's saying I am ruining HIS life. I have asked him, begged him, followed him around the house and screamed at him to work with me or leave if he is so miserable. He refuses. He works and I don't have a job right now. I will already lose the house if he takes off and I don't even care anymore.

I loved him so much and our marriage spiraling out off a cliff is killing me.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I am so sorry, but you are doing the right thing. Hang in there. My husband also did the online thing.

What is your plan now?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

See a lawyer and get your ducks in a row before it gets nasty and he tries to keep money away from you


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

I am sorry that you are having to deal with this but know exactly how you feel.

Do you have kids? Where will you go if you D? I assume he will keep the house since you dont have a job?


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## ItLastsForever (Mar 8, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> I am so sorry, but you are doing the right thing. Hang in there. My husband also did the online thing.
> 
> What is your plan now?


I have no plan, really. I can start selling things in the house. That's about it. I quit working in corporate america right after we got married 8 years ago. I was an implementation engineer for a software company and made killer money.

But of course, like an idiot, I wanted a baby with him. I really thought we were soulmates at the time.

I guess I just cannot believe I could be SOOOO wrong.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Of course he gets upset when you "bring up the past". He gets upset cuz he got caught and has to make amends - not rug sweep. If you push for true reconciliation, it is going to be tough.

Now for the next part...the finances. There is nothing in this world worth your soul and that's what you're giving up if you stay with this guy the way he is right now. He needs to see exactly what he did wrong. He needs to see that he has to be fully accountable to you.

Is a house worth the pain you're going through? I'm not speaking outta my a$$ either. I'm losing my house because we decided we needed a desparate change. Let's see...me get another full time job (as a pilot which means being away from home again) or stay working in commission sales? Hmmm...keep the house by going away or say F it and be with my family every day?

F the house.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Well, you need a plan. An exit strategy. Selling things from the house isn't going to cut it.

Are there any kids?


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## ItLastsForever (Mar 8, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> Well, you need a plan. An exit strategy. Selling things from the house isn't going to cut it.
> 
> Are there any kids?


No kids.


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## ItLastsForever (Mar 8, 2013)

LetDownNTX said:


> I am sorry that you are having to deal with this but know exactly how you feel.
> 
> Do you have kids? Where will you go if you D? I assume he will keep the house since you dont have a job?


Yeah, thats what I think also. No kids. Daughter is off in college. I am basically hanging in her old room now. Feeling like the rug has been pulled out from under me because I tried to R with him.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

ItLastsForever said:


> I have no plan, really. I can start selling things in the house. That's about it. I quit working in corporate america right after we got married 8 years ago. I was an implementation engineer for a software company and made killer money.
> 
> But of course, like an idiot, I wanted a baby with him. I really thought we were soulmates at the time.
> 
> I guess I just cannot believe I could be SOOOO wrong.


Ok, so stop chasing him around the house and engaging in pointless arguments that you already know will accomplish nothing.

Start a complete 180, get your resume together, get a headhunter, find a job, and when you are stable and he realizes he can't walk all over you, things may change. And if not, start D and move on with your life.


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Leave. He is not sorry or even
humble. He likely never deserved a second chance. Move on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ItLastsForever (Mar 8, 2013)

barbados said:


> Ok, so stop chasing him around the house and engaging in pointless arguments that you already know will accomplish nothing.
> 
> Start a complete 180, get your resume together, get a headhunter, find a job, and when you are stable and he realizes he can't walk all over you, things may change. And if not, start D and move on with your life.


I hear you. I know. I just thought I was fighting for my marriage. I thought I was defending the honor of the marriage. I have done this before. Got a job making big money. But I wanted a baby with him so bad. My bio clock was ticking big time!

Well, a couple years into the marriage I got pregnant. Around 4-5 months, I had a fetal demise. I knew this was my last chance. I mourned for a long time. Then it seemed like one crisis after another till we got to today.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

barbados said:


> Ok, so stop chasing him around the house and engaging in pointless arguments that you already know will accomplish nothing.
> 
> Start a complete 180, get your resume together, get a headhunter, find a job, and when you are stable and he realizes he can't walk all over you, things may change. And if not, start D and move on with your life.


:iagree: except I say start D now. Is there any kind of legal aid where you live? When I filed I was a single mom on welfare and they loaned me the money, which I did have to pay back but at the rate of $25 a month with no interest.

You say he won't move out eh? Too bad. What would he do if you chucked all his stuff out the front door in garbage bags?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

ItLastsForever said:


> I hear you. I know. I just thought I was fighting for my marriage. I thought I was defending the honor of the marriage. I have done this before. Got a job making big money. But I wanted a baby with him so bad. My bio clock was ticking big time!
> 
> Well, a couple years into the marriage I got pregnant. Around 4-5 months, I had a fetal demise. I knew this was my last chance. I mourned for a long time. Then it seemed like one crisis after another till we got to today.


I am sorry you lost the baby 

Start thinking about the FUTURE, not the past. Where do you see yourself in 6 months? A year? 5 years?


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## ItLastsForever (Mar 8, 2013)

illwill said:


> Leave. He is not sorry or even
> humble. He likely never deserved a second chance. Move on.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


NO. He is not humble at all. He acts like I am the big problem in the marriage because I just want to "bi*ch him out". Because I won't let it go. Well, nothing has changed! He *claims* that he has stopped betraying me....but he said that before and was lying right to my face.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

ItLastsForever said:


> I hear you. I know. I just thought I was fighting for my marriage. I thought I was defending the honor of the marriage. I have done this before. Got a job making big money. But I wanted a baby with him so bad. My bio clock was ticking big time!
> 
> Well, a couple years into the marriage I got pregnant. Around 4-5 months, I had a fetal demise. I knew this was my last chance. I mourned for a long time. Then it seemed like one crisis after another till we got to today.


Very sorry for your loss. But now it seems its time to start making it about you. He will either come around when you go 180, or you will move on to a better life without him. You can do this.


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## ItLastsForever (Mar 8, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> I am sorry you lost the baby
> 
> Start thinking about the FUTURE, not the past. Where do you see yourself in 6 months? A year? 5 years?


Thanks hope. I know I need to do this exact thing.


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## ItLastsForever (Mar 8, 2013)

barbados said:


> Very sorry for your loss. But now it seems its time to start making it about you. He will either come around when you go 180, or you will move on to a better life without him. You can do this.


thank you. 

how does the 180 work if someone is giving you the silent treatment?


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## ItLastsForever (Mar 8, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> :iagree: except I say start D now. Is there any kind of legal aid where you live? When I filed I was a single mom on welfare and they loaned me the money, which I did have to pay back but at the rate of $25 a month with no interest.
> 
> You say he won't move out eh? Too bad. What would he do if you chucked all his stuff out the front door in garbage bags?


He would open the door with his key and be even more disagreeable to deal with. 

Both our names are on this lease. This is our marital home. We have lived here for years. We both have a legal right to be here.

Things will be OK if I just don't do anything. If I escalate then I will just be creating more problems for myself. I wish I just had time to think by myself.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

ItLastsForever said:


> thank you.
> 
> how does the 180 work if someone is giving you the silent treatment?


You can't win with someone who functions by using the silent treatment whenever something doesn't go their way. My stbxh consistently did this to me for 2 decades. He is emotionally immature. There was no discussing anything. Even after leaving me homeless, he refuses to answer his phone or answer an e-mail regarding anything. He won't even speak to our grown son. It is a control thing. 180 just shows them you don't care anymore, which really, is what they wanted to begin with.


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## ItLastsForever (Mar 8, 2013)

SaltInWound said:


> You can't win with someone who functions by using the silent treatment whenever something doesn't go their way. My stbxh consistently did this to me for 2 decades. He is emotionally immature. There was no discussing anything. Even after leaving me homeless, he refuses to answer his phone or answer an e-mail regarding anything. He won't even speak to our grown son. It is a control thing. 180 just shows them you don't care anymore, which really, is what they wanted to begin with.


So....if I do this 180, then he will be getting what he wants? No more conflict?


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

ItLastsForever said:


> So....if I do this 180, then he will be getting what he wants? No more conflict?


basically, yes. The 180 is really meant to help you focus on yourself. Sometimes you focusing on yourself will cause a more mentally healthy WS to take notice, but in the case of an emotionally immature individual, the 180 would just be giving the WS what they wanted, which is to be left alone. No conflict means they don't have to face what they did wrong. This is why my husband gave me the silent treatment about EVERY THING! He just refused to face his flaws. Even after getting what he wanted after leaving me homeless, he still uses that immature control tactic called the silent treatment. I did the 180 and left him alone.....gave him space. 4 months later, he is still giving the silent treatment and he does it to our grown son too. You just can't win. sorry.


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## ItLastsForever (Mar 8, 2013)

SaltInWound said:


> basically, yes. The 180 is really meant to help you focus on yourself. Sometimes you focusing on yourself will cause a more mentally healthy WS to take notice, but in the case of an emotionally immature individual, the 180 would just be giving the WS what they wanted, which is to be left alone. No conflict means they don't have to face what they did wrong. This is why my husband gave me the silent treatment about EVERY THING! He just refused to face his flaws. Even after getting what he wanted after leaving me homeless, he still uses that immature control tactic called the silent treatment. I did the 180 and left him alone.....gave him space. 4 months later, he is still giving the silent treatment and he does it to our grown son too. You just can't win. sorry.


Sorry Salt. I know the feeling. What will you do?


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

ItLastsForever said:


> Sorry Salt. I know the feeling. What will you do?


Sending PM


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## ItLastsForever (Mar 8, 2013)

SaltInWound said:


> Sending PM


I didn't get it. But its OK. I hope the best for you, I truly do. Please take care.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Where is the professional help in all of this. You didn't mention anything of that sort.

That is the whole point of MC and IC to be the mediators and bring you down to earth when you loose control. 

I would give that a serious try before you throw in the towel. 

But another thing whole and apart. Go get a job.. Straight and simple. No excuses, no stories. Get a job, any job. 

I am not trying to be callus, I understand you loss. My STBXW and myself went through 3 miscarriages and DNC before conceiving our last child in this failed marriage. It took us over 3 years the 2nd time around. The last go around was our last attempt. We got lucky. 

Prior to my wife I had a child with someone which went to full term before passing away. Birth certificate and all. So again it is hard. I felt it more later then at that time.

But and I might have misread this, but it seems you miscarried several years ago.. 

So it seems now your sitting around the house alone just waiting for him to come home from work. 

So go get a job that will help you guys pay for MC and see where that takes you before pulling the plug. 

The both of you have been rug sweeping so long it will be hard to get any truth out a year later, but give it a honest try at least.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

ItLastsForever said:


> thank you.
> 
> how does the 180 work if someone is giving you the silent treatment?


It works like this. Right now, you are constantly pursuing him, as you said in you post. So even though its one sided, there is still interaction. If you go complete 180, You get to work on yourself, which is the most important thing right now, and you also get to gauge his reaction and true feelings towards you now that he is also being ignored. If he does not come around at all, then you will know its time to D, plus you will have spent the time productively preparing yourself if you have to D.

If you goto this thread : 
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/private-members-section/67467-suspect-wife-having-affair.html

First page, 3rd post the member there has the 180 link in their signature. I am not posting it here because I don't know if direct links to other sites are allowed. 

Good Luck !


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## GJfromCAN (Mar 1, 2013)

ItLastsForever,

Thank you very much for your advice in my thread. 

I'm truly sorry to see you're in a bad place right now. I do think you should be proud of yourself for trying to fix your marriage under unreasonable circumstances. Whether it worked or not is no reflection on you. Sometimes we just pick the wrong people to put our trust in.

My only advice would be to take that determination you've displayed in the last 8 months and start applying it to yourself. You can be sure ity won't be a wasted effort. Things feel horrible now but you will find a job, you will find a new place to live and you will heal from this. 

Listen to the advice you read here. So many posters have been through the same experiences we've had, felt the same pain and have worked to make their lives better. It's hard work but it has paid off for them in the end.

Remember that there are tons of people rooting for you here. All my best.


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