# Negativity: should I stop keeping a journal?



## ka5367 (Nov 9, 2009)

So I want too know about keeping a journal? 

Once my wife said she wanted a divorce, I started keeping one (about two and a half years ago.) See my first post about the details here:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...feelings-me-several-years-now.html#post109335

My journal mostly details the crap I am putting up with day to day. When I have a few positive days in a row I quit thinking I need to keep one. 

Historically over two and a half years, I can see when we were both trying and when it was just one of us trying to work on the marriage - simply by looking at the timeline where there are less entries vs. more entries.

Everytime I have a slightly bad day or we have a bad incident, I document it. If it wasnt for the journal, I probably couldn’t have written everything I wrote in my original post on this forum about what all has been going on.

The journal has helped me to know whats going on, be able to recommunicate things on a weekly basis to a counselor, but I am starting to wonder if its also causing me to focus to much on the negative and not enough on the positive. Until recently I have not been the one who has wanted to give up on this marriage, but as I reflect in the journal it get confused as to why I would want to put up with this crap anymore. 

I have recently been introduced to the concept of “the appreciation room” from the movie Fireproof and the book Love Dare. There is also the concept of the depreciation room and I am beginning to relate updating my journal every morning to visiting the depreciation room! (Does that make sense?)

I have not written in my journal in a few days and have kind of forgotten many of the tiny things I would have normally written in there each morning, but somehow I am beginning to think they may be so petty that they dont matter and that many other things I have written in the past may have been petty to but once I wrote them down they weighed heavy on me.

I dont know what to think anymore. The advice to keep a journal came from several friends once they heard what I was going through - but now I am not so sure what the purpose is.

What are the general opinions for keeping a journal and does it help to stop documenting the negative things?


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

> but as I reflect in the journal it get confused as to why I would want to put up with this crap anymore.


That is why you keep a journal.

The purpose of the journal is to document what is happening, and importantly, how you feel about what is happening. It's initial goal is to allow you to focus your grief into words. It makes you take action on the feelings rather than just swimming in them.

And ultimately, you should be able to look at your journal, just as you have done, and realize that you and your partner actively want and are pursuing the same thing, so that you can reconcile. Or, you aren't. If looking at your journal, you realize that sadness, disappointment, and arguing is still the norm - then that's a pretty good indication that you need to change your expectations. 

If over the course of two and half years you have been fighting for your marriage, and have no net progress? It's time to let go. The journal can make you realize that the partner you _think_ you are fighting for - isn't actually worth the fight. 

Spouse and I picked up "Fireproof". I don't diminish that it is an excellent resource for salvaging a faltering marriage, but it is by no means applicable to all cases. In our case? Cute movie, but meaningless in terms of being able to reconcile. Don't confuse activity with results. You both can watch the movie, read the books, do the exercises - but if they don't precipitate real changes in how you relate to one another, it's just busy work.


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## Mogget (Nov 26, 2009)

What you concentrate on you notice more - it is just how the brain works. So journalling only about bad stuff can really start to spiral you into a negative place. I would suggest adding to your journal some gratitude stuff. 

5 things (minimum) each day that you are grateful for, plus list the best thing that happened that day. Don't do it is a sarcastic way "Well my life sucks so the best thing was when I was asleep so I couldn't tell it sucked" style - that helps no-one. Find the BEST ting about your whole day, put a positive spin on it and record along with things you are genuinely grateful for - regardless of what happens in your marriage having the ability to notice appreciate good things is going to be good for you.

(you could even add extra god things and gratitude specifically about your partner, which would require real re-training of your thinking)

The worst relationship I ever had was one where I journalled all the time without deliberately keeping it positive - I don't think the journal made difference to how the relationship went, but reading back over it, it sure contributed to my misery to be constantly dwelling, rehashing, reliving and fixating on every bad thing and on how bad I felt. 

Now I won't write anything down unless I can put it in a positive way focussing on positive things I have learned, solution oriented thinking, gratitude etc. 

I'm no pollyannna sunshine, I ***** about stuff, but I am careful now about what I make the effort to write down, and about what I let my focus dwell on.


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## ka5367 (Nov 9, 2009)

I guess I dont want to let go yet?

However, its hard for me to think of one BEST thing much less 5 things I am greatful for today (unless I start reciting how I am greatful for a job, life, and that my wife hasnt left me yet - but those will get old after a while.) Its so easy to write down what went wrong today. How do I recondition my mind?


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Choose something that _will_ make you happy. Be selfish. I'm serious.

While you are still under the same roof, take a step back from the job of trying to manage your marriage 24/7. Especially if what you are doing isn't working. That has to be mentally exhausting.

If the stability and longevity of your marriage hinges upon you walking a tightrope every single day ... is that what you really want?


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## Mogget (Nov 26, 2009)

Honestly start with what you have got and don't expect WONDERFUL to be a pre-requisite for gratitude... this is what all the negativity has done for you.

You have a job? Roof over your head? Health? any friends? Any family? Do you eat? Sleep? Breath clean air? Live in a first world nation? Have a computer? A car? Access to the internet? An education? The ability to read and write? Time for entertainment? A safe place to hang out? A 'normal' human appearance? A mind capable of reason? Freedom from drugs and alcohol? Freedom from physical violence and abuse? The ability to learn from your mistakes? The ability to see things which are pretty? Ears to hear sounds like laughter, music, kind words? Money in your pocket to buy things?

Seriously, if you are so slumped right now that you can't find anything more relevant then to start by listing the things that you enjoy that MILLIONS of people in the world would dearly love to have access to - try to come up with new stuff - indoor toilet? running water? electricity? heat and cooling? a bed to sleep in, a comfy chair? this sweater that is JUST right.... start focussing on ALL the stuff and advantages that you not only have but have enjoyed for so long that you have actually become blase about them... let your mind boggle at that for a bit if you like - you have enjoyed a life with so many privileges and luxuries that you have been able to ignore them and expect that they would still be there even as you complain that you have too little to be grateful for.

Write down the best thing about each day... BEST is a comparative term, it just means the LEAST bad... even you have a least bad thing each day. The key is to take that least bad thing and write it down with true gratitude in such a way as it reads like a good thing. Did you get a smile form a check out chick? DId a co-worker laugh at a joke or tell you you did well, or just say good night pleasantly? Did you enjoy a surprisingly good cup of coffee, a particularly juicy apple? Di you feel a flush of pleasure that a sport team won, or sing along to song on the radio. Did you accomplish something on a to do list that made you feel even a tiny bit proud? Did you notice today that brushing your teeth leaves you whole mouth feeling really clean? Did you learn something? Pat a friendly dog? Feed a pigeon? Give dollar to homeless guy? Achieve the perfect tie knot? Master (or even improve a tiny bit) at a skill? Use a new word? Talk to a friend? Talk to a friendly acquaintance? Talk to a friendly stranger? Have a satisfying sneeze? Find a brand of gum that you enjoy? Drop something but catch it again before it broke? Spot the dog-do and NOT step in it!? Read something uplifting? Read a book you enjoy? Laugh at a sit-com? Notice that your handwriting is a bit neater? Win a game of solitaire? 

I could go on more or less indefinitely...

lots and lots and lots of NOT BAD things happen everyday. 

Start noticing them before you buy into this belief that everything is crap on a permanent basis.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

ka5367 said:


> I am starting to wonder if its also causing me to focus to much on the negative and not enough on the positive. Until recently I have not been the one who has wanted to give up on this marriage, but as I reflect in the journal it get confused as to why I would want to put up with this crap anymore.


it sounds like you are just unsure of how you really feel about the marriage. I dont think you should just stop writing and assume that because you arent consciously putting down how you feel on paper that the effects arent building up inside of you. i think you should keep writing, recognize that you are angry, and try to fix it. 

ive had a journal since i was 8. ever since ive been with my H ive realized that my entries are almost 100% negative. but that's how i feel about things at the moment. im not going to try and be positive just for the sake of forcing something i want but do not really feel. and over the past few months my entries are becoming less negative. im starting to feel a little more positive about my life. in a way its inspiring to see how long it takes to change. so many of my entries are exactly the same; false promises that i swore id do this, or swore id do that, or had an epiphany that a few weeks later i have again. in a way its dug me out of my insane behavior of repeating the same things over and over again expecting different results. and its also the only time im completely honest with myself. its a time i can consciously put on paper how im feeling and resolve the inconstancies in my thoughts and emotions. even if i still write what i wish was true, in my mind and heart i know if im being honest with myself. there's no better power to change then being honest with yourself. 

so what im saying is, maybe you are negative right now but its something to work through. Even if you dont write it down you're still going to be negative, you just wont realize it as much. and keeping a journal has more benefits then just venting. you can use it to see how to help yourself; to see what has worked and what hasnt and to confront yourself.


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## dan681 (Nov 24, 2009)

I started a journal, and it has helped me. I have alot of negative stuff in there. Right now, my life is pretty negative. But I still find time to smell the roses, look at the clouds, etc... I started putting some of these in there, and after rereading it, it kinda makes you laugh, that you were thinking about something so trivial, when you thought your life was in the dumper. This has helped with my self esteem. I'm starting to do things for myself. If my wife wants to be there, so be it. I appreciate her time with me. But the journal should not be dwelled upon, reread to clarify a thought you might be having, ok. We all need to move on with our lives. If it is with our spouses, then great. If not, we will survive. Use your journal as a tool, to help you get thru bad times, not to bring up bad memories!!


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## ka5367 (Nov 9, 2009)

dan681 said:


> Use your journal as a tool, to help you get thru bad times...


I guess I need to get to that point - I started the journal to document what was happening so that if it came to divorce I could prove to someone the hell she has been putting me through. The only thing I have used it for is really to look back and things to confim when she has denied someting or to prove to myself that she has contradicted herslef and is lying to me.

I am not sure what the positive in it is, that was why I questioned it. And then this weekend we fought some more and she said more bad things I cant believe she said and she lied to me again so I felt I needed to document it.

How I move from the I'v got to document it mode to the I need to express my feelings mode is where I am now.


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