# New Member - Family Member Financial Support Drama!



## fcdsj07

Hey everyone, new member here. Financially supporting mother who just started receiving SSI, and 32 year old brother who has had a tough run but isn't big on working...they are "co-dependent" and have lived together basically forever, my brother has moved out once or twice but has always returned to live with mom shortly. I just recently twisted his arm to get a part time minimum wage job. As you can imagine, wife isn't happy with arrangement. All the articles and forums and opinions I've read indicate I'm in the wrong for going too far supporting them and putting my marriage at risk. We make really good money but have spent all our money on a new house and don't have any expendable money per se. I get the impression since I've busted my butt in my career and have ended up making good money, and my mother and brother are struggling, I'm "more obligated" to help them since we have a good income. But doing so is making my life TOUGH. Any advice or words of wisdom would be much appreciated!!


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## EleGirl

Before giving any advice or words of wisdom, more info is needed.

Your mother is on SSI. How old is your mother?

Has she ever worked and put money into Social Security? Was she married to anyone for at least 10 years who paid into Social Security? Has she checked out getting on Social Security Disability?

Has she applied for SNAP, Medicaid and other benefits from the state? How about income assistance from the state?

Has your brother applied for SNAP, Medicaid and other assistance from the state? Does your brother have any kind of disability?

You should not be supporting your mother and brother. They need to exhaust all means of support that is available to them.

Basically you are co-dependent... meaning that you are putting the needs of others above your own needs and therefore encouraging bad behavior by others. I get helping family members, I've done this in the past. But the first goal has to be to help them get all help they can get from other sources so that they are as independent as possible.


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## Prodigal

If your brother is in decent health and reasonably intelligent, what is his excuse(s) for not working? If he has the capacity to work, then let him work or go hungry. I'm all for assisting family members in need, but if there are no significant problems, tell him to get off his ass and get a real job.


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## wilson

A lot of your success is probably due to the sacrifices made by your mother, so I don't see a problem with you supporting her now. But that doesn't include your brother. One option might be to get financial power of attorney from your mom and then totally take over the finances. If she doesn't agree to that, then cut off the financial support. It's not a surprise if your mom has trouble telling her son "no" when he asks for stuff. If you take over the finances, his ability to mooch off of her will be limited.

You need to be firm with your brother that the gravy train ends now. If he can't get a job, he needs to get on social services or something to support himself. Every dollar he gets from your mom is a dollar she doesn't have to support herself.


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## MattMatt

@fcdsj07 could he get a full time job?


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## As'laDain

fcdsj07 said:


> Hey everyone, new member here. Financially supporting mother who just started receiving SSI, and 32 year old brother who has had a tough run but isn't big on working...they are "co-dependent" and have lived together basically forever, my brother has moved out once or twice but has always returned to live with mom shortly. I just recently twisted his arm to get a part time minimum wage job. As you can imagine, wife isn't happy with arrangement. All the articles and forums and opinions I've read indicate I'm in the wrong for going too far supporting them and putting my marriage at risk. We make really good money but have spent all our money on a new house and don't have any expendable money per se. I get the impression since I've busted my butt in my career and have ended up making good money, and my mother and brother are struggling, I'm "more obligated" to help them since we have a good income. But doing so is making my life TOUGH. Any advice or words of wisdom would be much appreciated!!


I remember when my parents went bankrupt and my sister lost everything she had and needed a place to stay. 

I took in my parents, my sister, her husband, and her daughter. 

They were all content to do nothing until i kicked them out a little over a year later. Then, suddenly, they all had jobs. 

I remember a common phrase i used to hear back when they were all living in my house: "must be nice to have money."

My usual response was "well, yeah, after deploying in three wars and a decade in the same career, it really is!"

I dont make a lot. Im a soldier, i make enough, and more than i need. But because i had more than they did at the time, they saw me as "loaded." I never tried to point out to them that i dont actually make a lot of money. 

They all ended up thanking me for what i did, but only after they started managing their own lives. That's what it took for them to realize that i was no longer working for myself or my immediate family (wife, daughter) while they were living with me, i was working for them. 

The biggest reason it didn't cause many issues in my marriage is because i put a time limit on it. I decided that after a year, they are out, whether they are ready for it or not. My wife knew that it was not going to last longer than a deployment. 

They weren't caught off guard when i told them to leave my house. They knew it was coming from the day i took them in. 

They did regret not spending their time more wisely. Either way, they figured it out and now they are self sufficient.


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## aquarius1

Family situations like this really require tact. And firmness.
Both my sister (perpetual student on welfare) and my brother (high school drop out on welfare) always considered my husband and I "rich" because we both had University degrees (plus I have a College Diploma) and have worked our AS**S off for most of our adult lives.
At one point my sister tried to move in with us. NOPE.
If you support your mom, you support your no job brother (unless he's ill, sounds like he's a lazy mooch)
Don't go there. You'll regret it and it will take a long time to remove yourself from the situation.
You work hard for your money. Help them with your time, not cash.


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## Openminded

I understand your wife’s frustration. Your brother’s more than happy to let this be your problem while he continues to live like a teenager. But your mom won’t be around forever so he needs to start doing his share. Now. My guess is that will be a major battle but if you don’t push him no one else will and your wife’s resentment will continue to grow. Have a family meeting with your mom and brother and lay it out.


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## aquarius1

Openminded said:


> I understand your wife’s frustration. Your brother’s more than happy to let this be your problem while he continues to live like a teenager. But your mom won’t be around forever so he needs to start doing his share. Now. My guess is that will be a major battle but if you don’t push him no one else will and your wife’s resentment will continue to grow. Have a family meeting with your mom and brother and lay it out.


Thats exactly it.
This could damage your marriage. Your wife is trying to protect IT and YOU. Listen to her.
I just see the whole mom/brother thing as a never-ending problem. A money pit.


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## Mr.Married

This is easy ...... choose your wife.

Your gonna support the other two as long as you allow yourself to do it.

I am supprised your wife doesn't resent the hell out of you already.


There is only one answer ...... choose your wife....... dump the dead weight.

The dead weight will amazingly find a way to help themselves when your aren't giving it away for free.


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## Blondilocks

"We make really good money but have spent all our money on a new house and don't have any expendable money per se."

Please tell me that you are not going into debt to financially help them.

Give them a time limit of say ninety days for your brother to find a real job. Make it clear that they will not be able to return to the well. And, get it in writing that they will be repaying you. Spell out the terms of repayment so that they will take it seriously. They will mooch as long as you let them.


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## SunCMars

I went down that road, but repeatedly put my foot down. 

Over the years, and at various times, I had six to eight females living with me. 
All relatives. None from my lineage.

We became an anchor family.
Even our dog and cat was female.

In the end, none of it was appreciated.
This is such a shame.



THRD-


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## SunCMars

"He's my brother, he ain't heavy!"

Uh, no!

As someone else mentioned, give him some free time, free advice.

Buy him brunch. 

No cash, no hotel.

Pray, he does not go homeless.
Nowadays, no joke here...

Yikes!


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## Tilted 1

fcdsj07, l get it, your nice enough to feel the compassion for your mom. They do have low rent for the elderly/disabled. And the reason for letting mom go live in that type of environment is the other people will interact and become friends and this will help here more by stimulating her mind. 

And giving her a reason to live and continue. You are a good son but, Independence is better. If she can not care for herself, they do have semi-skilled type retirement villages. 

You have probably always been, a self sufficient man. And you do deserve to have and be comfortable. You l must also say have a great wife!! Because she loves you so much she has allowed you to do this. Don't step on her she is your first and only responsibility.

Yes you will do what it takes to make sure mom is safe and secure. But this doesn't mean always has to live with you. Your wife is not their maid hand and foot. And yet you stand to lose her if this continues. Your woman married YOU!! not you mom and brother. 

And stand a chance of losing her if this continues, one way or the other. If not by her mind then by affair to have someone be devoted to her only. Don't let this happen. Take care of her(wife) and take care of business to get mom safe and warm in a different location. It doesn't mean you don't love her. 

Mostly no parent wants to have their child wait on them hand and foot. If they do they are selfish and other motives in the works. Go and live the life with your wife and be invested with each other don't be another statistical Divorce, because it could have been avoided.


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## Tilted 1

And you don't have to feel guilty because you make really good money. When life allows give some to a good charity. Doesn't mean family.


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## Diana7

How old is your mum?


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## fcdsj07

Wow thank you everyone for your honest but friendly replies. The answer seems to be unanimous, that I need to (immediately) stop the money flow to my mom/brother. 

My brother has severe anxiety and had his colon removed at the age of 30, so depression and anxiety and his medical “new normal” have all swirled together to create some kind of depression cocktail where he would just sit in his robe all day like a hermit. The crazy thing is he has a 4 year degree! We spent a whole day together where I made him a resume and drove him around to jobs, that’s where he got his part time job. 

I guess I have been so blinded by the situation I’ve been making the same...decision? Same mistake? She is 62 and just started getting SSI, I thought she would have plenty of money but we were shocked to learn that 6 months after she started getting SSI they were still broke. I guess 90% of it was my brother’s eating habits which she supports. Even though he “cannot” get a full time job, he is a gym rat and works out 6 days a week and “demands” high quality meats to gain muscle. As I type this out it sounds more and more crazy that I’ve enabled this behavior? For better or worse mom and brother are a package deal, if I only had to help mom it wouldn’t be a big deal, nor would it be nearly as much or as often. If it was just her I think her SSI would be plenty to live on, but since she has to support her other son by paying his gym bill, car insurance, credit card payment, cell phone bill, and unreasonable monthly food bill, all her money is gobbled up.....BY HIM. And I’m the backstop. So it’s pretty easy to see that we are supporting HIM by giving mom money. (I’m getting angry at him while typing this actually)

I tried to bring this up to my mother a month ago and she had a crying fit. Basically admitting she was going to do anything for the brother that he needs, no matter how unreasonable. Man what a terrible, terrible position I’m in. But I think I know which direction to go - you don’t get out of a hole by digging!


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## EleGirl

fcdsj07 said:


> Wow thank you everyone for your honest but friendly replies. The answer seems to be unanimous, that I need to (immediately) stop the money flow to my mom/brother.
> 
> My brother has severe anxiety and had his colon removed at the age of 30, so depression and anxiety and his medical “new normal” have all swirled together to create some kind of depression cocktail where he would just sit in his robe all day like a hermit. The crazy thing is he has a 4 year degree! We spent a whole day together where I made him a resume and drove him around to jobs, that’s where he got his part time job.
> 
> I guess I have been so blinded by the situation I’ve been making the same...decision? Same mistake? She is 62 and just started getting SSI, I thought she would have plenty of money but we were shocked to learn that 6 months after she started getting SSI they were still broke. I guess 90% of it was my brother’s eating habits which she supports. Even though he “cannot” get a full time job, he is a gym rat and works out 6 days a week and “demands” high quality meats to gain muscle. As I type this out it sounds more and more crazy that I’ve enabled this behavior? For better or worse mom and brother are a package deal, if I only had to help mom it wouldn’t be a big deal, nor would it be nearly as much or as often. *If it was just her I think her SSI would be plenty to live on, but since she has to support her other son by paying his gym bill, car insurance, credit card payment, cell phone bill, and unreasonable monthly food bill, all her money is gobbled up.....BY HIM.* And I’m the backstop. So it’s pretty easy to see that we are supporting HIM by giving mom money. (I’m getting angry at him while typing this actually)
> 
> I tried to bring this up to my mother a month ago and she had a crying fit. Basically admitting she was going to do anything for the brother that he needs, no matter how unreasonable. Man what a terrible, terrible position I’m in. But I think I know which direction to go - you don’t get out of a hole by digging!


You say that your mother gets SSI? SSI is only $771 a month. Are you sure that it's SSI she is getting? Or does she get Social Security Disability which is the normal social security payment and could be much higher than $771 a month? The reason I'm asking is that if she's getting SSI, and not SSD, she should also be able to get other assistance such as housing, SNAP, Medicaid, etc. 

https://www.nolo.com/legal-encyclopedia/how-much-will-i-get-ssi-disability-benefits.html


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