# Is this normal behavior or controlling?



## tripleaxle2833 (Aug 10, 2009)

Please forgive me, this is the first time I’ve ever posted online for help. I am really having a hard time with my Husband of 9 years. We have 2 children, both under the age of 5. I believe in trying everything – for the sake of the kids, but I’m so upset! 


The issues that we are currently having are really the same issues we’ve had all along. However, they have intensified. I don’t want to make it out like I didn’t know this about him 5 years ago – because I did. But, my patience is running thin! He doesn’t like to talk much. Communication has always been an issue. I have to pry things out of him. We sought counseling a couple of years ago and he really didn’t do it for more than 3 or 4 sessions. He always said he would return, but did not. As of late, we have even had arguments that have ended with “do you want a divorce”? Mainly, because he insists on screaming at me in front of our children. I usually want to take it up later and he continues to press whatever issue is on the agenda and trigger our kids to say "what's wrong" am I in trouble?" I always try to tell them mommy and daddy are just being silly and then END the fighting in front of them. 



Let’s just take this weekend for example. We just moved into a home that we built from the ground up. It’s lovely. As part of unfortunate timing, my family is coming to visit from out of town next weekend and we are in a rush to get the boxes unpacked. (or so I thought). We both work fulltime. We have a nanny for the kids during the week while we are working. 



On Saturday, he was hell bent to get his TV set up for football. I said I think the number one priority is setting up the kitchen and our kids’ rooms. He agreed. Well, I ran to the store with the kids and came home to find him scrubbing the bathroom floor. (He has what I would consider OCD). I said, you haven’t unpacked a thing! He said I know but the floors are filthy. I shook my head and got to work in the other room. Then, HE ran to the store for some bolts for the TV mount. He came back with a new curtain rod for my daughter’s room. I said, why did you buy that? He said he didn’t “like the one” that I had put up. So, I just shook my head and said, can we concentrate on the boxes first, please? He said yes. I then went back into the other room to watch the kids and continue to unpack and when I came back he was CHANGING the curtain rod. I asked what was he doing??? He said he didn’t think it was going to take him that long. I said, but you agreed to work on the boxes first! He apologized but continued. UGH! 



Then, about an hour later I found him moving all of the items that I had PUT AWAY in the bathroom – claiming that it was “better functioning” in a different location. So, the hour of work I did – HE WAS GOING TO DO AGAIN! I couldn’t believe it! I didn’t say anything other than wow, I just wasted a lot of time…. He has always done this type of thing …rearranges the kitchen or whatever because he needs to have things where HE wants them…because he has the "he knows best" mentality. He also forbids me to throw boxes or packing paper away because he wants to fold the paper (do you know how much that is?!) and break down the boxes and store them. So that means boxes will stay stacked in a room for a MONTH. I am SOO Tempted to throw them out and just let him deal with it, but he says that is wasting money because the boxes can be expensive. But, what, maybe 40 bucks or something? Come on. It is just one annoying detail after another, as you can probably tell. 



THEN I found out that the cable TV provider that I set up – he cancelled because he got one that has a better football package. But, this installer of his completely cut all of our cable connections to the other TVS and he spent an hour and a half on the phone yelling at them. I just took the kids out for a walk because I was going to explode. I am usually a calm person, but all of this was going to kill me. The TV can not be set up now, (except for the football channel) cables are out everywhere, and he says that he is trying to figure it out. Except he just watches TV (sports) on the floor instead of working on it. 




When I returned, I said let’s go grab some dinner and get out of the house. So, we did. At dinner, he wouldn’t really talk so I started talking to him about ANYTHING. I said, so how are your parents? Your brother? Anything knew? He said, no not really. Then, he said, oh yeah, I forgot to tell you that my cousin's child has cystic fibrosis and is now in the hospital in intensive care. I said Oh my! When did you hear this? Oh, 2 weeks ago or so. And, oh yeah, I guess my Mom's cancer is back. He didn't think to tell me any of this???? I asked him WHY he didn't tell me this and he said "he forgot". 


He is driving me crazy. When I try to discuss this with him he blows up and leaves the room. He will say he doesn't know what I want out of him. I tell him I just want him to be responsible and committed to improving our communication and (in this case) have common sense about things. He spent a ton of our money on his new HD football package even though he knows I need to buy some things for work this week. I won't be able to do so now because of his selfishness. 


In addition to all of this -- he has no friends. He gets upset when I talk to my friends. I never go out with any of my own friends -- maybe lunch with someone every other month or something. I never talk to anyone on the phone around him or the kids. So, this weekend, I needed to call a family member back and I asked him if he could monitor the kids while I call her and he watches TV! He said yes. Well, the kids kept running up to me screaming for me. I would ask my husband to help and he would momentarily intervene. But, after about 45 minutes he got mad and said "I need to talk to you, you need to get off the phone". He wanted to tell me about how terrible the people at the cable TV provider are and how he is just miserable. THAT is why I had to get off the phone even though I was unpacking and talking on the phone.



I'm certainly not perfect, but I really feel as if I am in such a controlled situation. I feel trapped. Maybe I am just overreacting? I just want a normal life and this just feels strange to me. What do I do? He won't go to therapy. So, I guess, I just set some ground rules? Maybe we should seperate for awhile? Thanks for reading this long post.


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

Well hang in there and you really need to get back to MC. I canrelate on the communication issues. It seems to be a pattern all the time. When people not working together they work as individuals. They don't consult the other person and think about what they want. I can see so much unresolved issues in your post. i can relate. My wife and I are doing the exact same thing.. We have our first MC visit tomorrow. If you both want to work on this you will find a way but you both need to get out what is really bothering each other..


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## tripleaxle2833 (Aug 10, 2009)

But, what do I do, since he won't go to therapy? He just won't. I feel like it's an ugly cycle. He will say he is going to improve -- he does for about a week and then we are back down this ugly road. 

I just want to get through to him!


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

You say you knew how he was before you married him....
and certainly you know you can't change him, so why are you thinking things will get better and he will change and all of a sudden be the man you want him to be?

I am very sorry your in your situation as it does sounds bad but you married him knowing these things and how he was.

I was with someone I was incompatible with for about 8 years
and I have cried your tears of frustration. His own brother told me to leave him....
and I finally did and found someone who I was compatible with. It has been wonderful ever since. I feel I would have emotionally died to remain with the old relationship and I had to leave, for my own sake. It was the best thing I ever did too.

Just letting you know, you cannot change people and some couples are just not compatible. In your situation I don't feel a divorce would be a bad thing. Your kids will benefit too, to not live in the enviroment of tension and unahppiness.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

In the bible, it tells women who to marry, what traits a man must have....
and what happens if she marrys a man who does not have those traits.

Since you married a man without those traits, your life is going to be hard. I suggest you look to God for answers, and consider what your next options are... if the situation becomes unbearable.

I learned this the hard way....
and had to re-do my thinking to pick a man worthy to marry me. Maybe too, you will learn this.


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## tripleaxle2833 (Aug 10, 2009)

Thank you for your replies. I guess I am just wondering all of this because I feel that he has improved in some areas over the years. I have been able to show him how some of the negative things...he participates in...hurt us and others. He has improved. But, I guess you are right. Overall, his negative attitude and constant disapproval has remaimed consistent. I'm scared to give up, though. I don't know how to be a single mother.....


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

tripleaxle2833 said:


> Thank you for your replies. I guess I am just wondering all of this because I feel that he has improved in some areas over the years. I have been able to show him how some of the negative things...he participates in...hurt us and others. He has improved. But, I guess you are right. Overall, his negative attitude and constant disapproval has remaimed consistent. I'm scared to give up, though. I don't know how to be a single mother.....


Then your going to have to learn to deal with his re-organizing the house, cancelling the HBO and have the household revolved around him. Giving up your friends, etc...........

There is no other way to live peacefully with a man like that.


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## scarletblue (May 20, 2009)

I have never been in your situation, but here are just a couple of thoughts.

You said you think he has OCD, and yes, some of what you explained sounds like it. It also seems to me that he has a hard time staying on task. Could he have ADD too? He may not be this way on purpose and the whole thing may be frustrating to him, which could be why he gets mad and leaves the room when you point his behavior out to him.

Why not google attention defecit disorder and see if it describes him and gives you tips on how to deal with it.

You say he changes for about a week and then it's back to the way it was. Can you sit and talk with him before the week is up and remind him about your previous discussion?

Moving is always frustrating. I hate it! I think the added stress of moving and company coming is amplifing the whole situation. Take some time, slow down. Your visitors will understand the state of your house.


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## tripleaxle2833 (Aug 10, 2009)

Do you think this is what happens in a typical marriage? Obviously, no one is perfect. Is it possible I'm just being too picky? 

I guess there is a big problem with intimacy too. However, I have never felt that was as important as the relationship, itself. It's awful, frankly. I really wish he would just kiss me ...but he stays miles away. Sex is bad too. 

But, as you can see -- I worry more about the core relationship than that for the sake of my kids. I just wonder if this is what most people go through?


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

OCD is difficult to deal with. My wife shows strong indications of it by keeping alot of stuff that isnt needed in our house, and then she feels overwhelmed by the enormity of the mess and ignores it like it doesn't exist. It is one of the if not THE single biggest point of resentment in our house.

It is not as easy to deal with as it sounds, people with OCD do not reason like those without, it is a true disorder that needs a pro to help deal with. Unfortunately, getting to that point with them is like climbing everest with shorts on.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

tripleaxle2833 said:


> Do you think this is what happens in a typical marriage? Obviously, no one is perfect. Is it possible I'm just being too picky?
> 
> I guess there is a big problem with intimacy too. However, I have never felt that was as important as the relationship, itself. It's awful, frankly. I really wish he would just kiss me ...but he stays miles away. Sex is bad too.
> 
> But, as you can see -- I worry more about the core relationship than that for the sake of my kids. I just wonder if this is what most people go through?



This is what happens in a typical DYSFUNCTIONAL MARRIAGE, you know the 50% that divorce !!!
It does not happen in mine, as from that last expereince with mr. controlling ( and yes your husband is very controilling as well as selfish) I made a better choice...

and who sdays you have to be a single mother? you can remarry you know, and this time do a better job or picking a husband !

sex is bad too? thats not good. I hope you don't let this slide
for years and it eats away at your sefl worth and self esteem. It nearly happened to me and I have walked in your shoes.


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## tripleaxle2833 (Aug 10, 2009)

Thank you for your thoughts. I think that erosion of my self esteem and self worth is already set in. I have to ask you....how did you know you had the strength to leave? I feel like everytime I get upset with this type of behavior "i" am just not forgiving or understanding enough. How did you just "know" that you needed to move on? I want to know I will be ok...I have become so isolated because my H doesn't like me to be without him that I don't even have close friends. My family is in another state...I would be SO alone.


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## recent_cloud (Apr 18, 2009)

so the two of you can't agree on a plan of action to tackle life's challenges 

you both spin off in different directions and re-trace one another's steps

your sex life sux

your husband has rejected counseling.

and you're afraid of being a single mom

which by the way you pretty much already are.

then i respectfully suggest you go back to counseling by yourself.

and continue to vent here as often as you feel the need.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

tripleaxle2833 said:


> I have to ask you....how did you know you had the strength to leave? .


Let me tell you it wasn't easy. It took about a year. I prayed and asked for guideance from my grandmother. 
She was a wise soul who had been married over 50 years to man who loved her very much and still in love with her.
I read the bible and prayed.
I read the bible to see what I had done wrong and I saw my mistakes.
I asked God to please release me from this man and I did not marry him. I stood in the kitchen NUMB, knowing if I did....
any happiness in life would not be an option.
I prayed for strength and kept reading my bible... and I read about what marriage should be and how to pick a man who is a husband.
I finally walked away........
it was sssssssooooooooooooooooooooooooo hard... but I had to think of myself and the life God wanted me to have, a happy one.
I allowed God into my heart and tried to make better choices.
I dated some but saw the men were not husbands...
until one day
a good man came around and I recognized it and he had the qualities of a husband and all I learned...

My marriage has been pretty good and there is none of that Mr. Controlling stuff. Our only problems are minor but they are things we can work through ( food preferences and meals mostly)... I suggest you start to date NOW, go on a date with jesus and learn what he intends for you in life and marriage and set out to find it. If its not with the man you have now....
maybe in the future you will select a better man worthy of marriage.
Thats how I did it... and it wasn't easy, but staying with him would have been harder... and mopre detremental to me and happiness.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

recent_cloud said:


> so the two of you can't agree on a plan of action to tackle life's challenges
> 
> you both spin off in different directions and re-trace one another's steps
> 
> ...




:iagree::iagree::iagree:

I forgot to add, I also went to counseling, by myself
about mr. controlling.
who is now mr-ex.....


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## WantsHappiness (Jun 17, 2009)

tripleaxle2833 said:


> Then, about an hour later I found him moving all of the items that I had PUT AWAY in the bathroom – claiming that it was “better functioning” in a different location. So, the hour of work I did – HE WAS GOING TO DO AGAIN! I couldn’t believe it! I didn’t say anything other than wow, I just wasted a lot of time…. He has always done this type of thing …rearranges the kitchen or whatever because he needs to have things where HE wants them…because he has the "he knows best" mentality. He also forbids me to throw boxes or packing paper away because he wants to fold the paper (do you know how much that is?!) and break down the boxes and store them. So that means boxes will stay stacked in a room for a MONTH. I am SOO Tempted to throw them out and just let him deal with it, but he says that is wasting money because the boxes can be expensive. But, what, maybe 40 bucks or something? Come on. It is just one annoying detail after another, as you can probably tell.
> .


Argh, I can totally relate to this. My H will do things like rearrange the dishwasher before running it because I put everything in the “wrong spot.” We’re in counseling and the counselor told him that he needs to come to the understanding that he is not in charge of the dishwasher (nor the light switches nor the refrigerator nor the million other things that he picks on me for doing wrong) and I’m free to load it as I please because we’re two different people and naturally we will go about things in different ways. Well, he has stopped hassling me about the specific areas discussed in counseling (dishwasher, light switches, fridge) and now hassles me about forgetting to recycle a can here and there (which we’ll be discussing in counseling next week) :scratchhead: 

So I would give you our counselor’s advice but it doesn’t sound to me like your husband will accept it and it may not even help if he doesn’t really hear the message. My advice is to go back to counseling by yourself. Tell him you’re going to marriage counseling because you feel your marriage isn’t what it needs to be, which is indisputable when fights end with the D word, and if something doesn’t change you two will not survive. Then follow through and go. Get some assurance that these things aren’t normal (they are NOT) and that you’re not crazy for wanting a marriage in which good communication, compromise and compassion is the foundation. Then start working on yourself and what you can improve on your end of things to break these unhealthy patterns between you. Maybe he’ll follow, maybe not, worry about that when the time comes. Someone here gave me wonderful advice to take it one day at a time. Don’t think in terms of “I can’t live like this for the rest of my life.” Focus on today and what you can do to improve today.


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## tripleaxle2833 (Aug 10, 2009)

Thank you, I'm glad to know I'm not alone in being scared to make a decision. Was your ex as bad or worse than the typical behavior from my DH? 

I just spoke to him by phone and asked him how things were going and he said -in the middle of the conversation- do you hate me now? I said "no, why?" And he said that I sounded quiet, I said well I am surrounded here at work. He then proceeded to tell me that he doesn't know what he is going to do with all the boxes and that it was overwhelming him. So, he has spent the am off - just folding packing paper - no unpacking. He asked (mind you I'm at work and he is off) if 'I' called the moving company to complain about their service. I said 'I will when I get a free moment'. He then said something that I couldn't hear since the phone broke up and I said, I'm sorry? I couldn't hear you. (I was very nice the whole conversation) and he said 'nevermind I will just tell you later.". He was obviously mad that I couldn't hear.

You know what is so sad? As we moved in I had a special surprise for him in the house. I had the builders put in a 2k upgrade that HE wanted for surround sound. I SAVED for that and all he can do is complain about it. 

I'm just really disappointed. He initially seemed excited but then not another word except all these complaints.


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## sunnyday7 (Jan 26, 2009)

preso said:


> In the bible, it tells women who to marry, what traits a man must have....
> and what happens if she marrys a man who does not have those traits.
> 
> Since you married a man without those traits, your life is going to be hard. I suggest you look to God for answers, and consider what your next options are... if the situation becomes unbearable.
> ...


Im interested in knowing where I would find this in the bible?


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## tripleaxle2833 (Aug 10, 2009)

I certainly see your viewpoints. I guess what I would just like to point out is that I DID discuss these things with my husband. We agreed on these house items. (ie bathroom arrangement and WE bought the drapes for my daughter’s room TOGETHER). He just ends up “rethinking” things and changing it after we had already discussed this. And what I meant by “ground rules” was in reference to the arguing in front of the kids. I would think that anyone would agree that – that is not a healthy habit. I’m sorry for not being more clear.

I suppose I am a bit sensitive to his actions given the problems over the past couple of weeks. Last month, I had told him that my mom and dad were coming in for their 40th anniversary. I had found the best place to take them for brunch. (Got recommendations from friends) and got reservations a few weeks out. I TOLD him about this and how excited I was….our plan was to take them to church and then to brunch. It was going to be such a treat to have my parents in town (we rarely see each other because of distance). Well, the morning came and he was not getting ready in time. I kept saying I need help with the kids and we need to get going or we are going to miss church. We ended up running so late he said “we’ll go to another church/time”. He found the church and time online and we got ready. We got to this new church and realized that he had gotten the time wrong. As we were walking up he got mad and said “I can’t do anything right”. I jumped in and said it’s ok…we will figure it out. Well, at this point my daughter started getting fussy beyond the normal. I realized we had forgotten food for her. So, I said, well let’s head home and get her some milk and then we can figure out our game plan. He was SO mad. My parents waited in the car and he took off into the house. I said what is going on? He went into the bedroom and slammed the door. My daughter was SCREAMING and I was trying to keep her calm. I finally went in and said what are you doing? He wouldn’t speak to me and he was playing video games. He kept screaming (in front of my daughter) I don’t know what you want from me! I said I just want to make my parents happy on their anniversary! I said let’s get it together and go! He started saying there was NO way we could go to church now and make these reservations. Then, he said, I know that side of town (the restaurant) and I don’t think it’ s a good side of town to eat on. (IT WAS WELL RECOMMENDED). I said fine, let’s just go to church! STOP playing video games while our daughter is fussy and my parents are in the car! He finally did. We waited in the car for him – and ended up eating at some normal place after church. It was fine. But, my DH refused to speak to anyone – even during lunch. He wouldn’t talk to my parents. I was heartbroken. 

In the end, he apologized after a few hours and said he would grill steaks and make it up to them (for dinner). He did and I ended up forgiving him and not really confronting him, but he knew I was so hurt. How does someone act like this? He is 36 years old!! 

As for any type of disorder….I don’t think so. He has been to therapy and it has never come up from my therapist. He is obviously a very “loner” type of person. He said IN THERAPY that he doesn’t need or want friends. He likes just having me (and the kids). He does show signs of what you are discussing, though. He is very bright but does not like making eye contact. He seems to have a one track mind…

And….I should also point out ..that when he said (from previous post) that the floor was filthy – the house had just been PROFESSIONALLY cleaned the day before. He is just very, very picky.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

sunnyday7 said:


> Im interested in knowing where I would find this in the bible?


sunnyday, open a bible and find it read it for yourself !!!! 
Trust me its in there, you can learn to use the index and research the topic yourself about husbands, wives, love and just about anything else you want to know more about.
It will be a good lesson for you to find it yourself ( use the index).

My grandmother told me about this and I thought she was full of it. LOL !!!! ... when I saw for myself and in SHOCK, it lead me on a very long mission to understand the bible as I found it held wisdom, much the wisdom of my grandmother had.
Some of what you read will shock you as to how true it is.

When I married, I made sure my husband was the right kind according to the bible......... and after doing my own research on a number of subjects about love and marriage, I avoided many men who would have drained and corrupted me, leading to sadness and maybe even depresssion.

go get a bible, its only the most read book in the world, you may learn a few things.
I decided to use the bibles wisdom and not refer to hindsight and say "wow, thats true".... from bad choices.
I am certainly no bible thumper or religious nut but I have come to understand the good in having a relationhip with God and how it and his teachings can make my life better by making better choices.

you have the world at your fingertips on the web...


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

tripleaxle2833 said:


> He is just very, very picky.


Maybe why he has no friends. Could be a matter of no one wants to be his friend, not that he doesn't need any.
He sounds like he is very hard to get along with, much more than someone who would be considered hard to get along with.

Do your best to keep your emotional health intact while you figure out what to do about it and your marriage, so he doesn't bring you down and make you feel inept.
Sounds to me like you make good choices and follow through to make plans. Many men would be glad for a wife like that.


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## sunnyday7 (Jan 26, 2009)

I do study and read the bible everyday. That's why I asked. I have never seen anything specific on good traits of a husband. I thought you were implying that there was a particular book that discussed it more then others. As in Esther, detailing how a wife should conduct herself, I thought maybe there was something as to how a husband should act. 

I have never sought this out in the bible, so I wasnt sure where to begin to look. Thanks for your reply.


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