# Help I am a mental basket case



## Lost faith (Jan 18, 2014)

My husband of 20 years told me in October that he was no longer "in love" with me and was no longer physically attracted to me. I felt like he punched me in the face. I was completely devastated. We have 3 children together (5, 9, 12). 
For the past 2 1/2 months we have been talking and communicating but going around in circles. He refuses to touch me anymore and just says he doesn't know why. We have been trying to spend more alone time together, even went away for the weekend. Sat naked together in the hot tub with a bottle of wine and he still wouldn't touch or kiss me. 
We went to a counselor and she told me that he wants to separate so just prepare myself, but when I talk to him he says he doesn't want to leave the kids. 
I am not for a trial separation. I feel like this is a last resort before divorce and we haven't tired everything yet. 
For the record we get along great, have no financial problems and generally life was good. He does have a job that he has to travel out of the country for about 2 weeks every month. 
He still won't commit to working on our relationship. He just keeps saying "he is still here" and won't give me an answer if he wants to leave or not. I know he is confused why he feels this way. He is not a bad person. He is one of the best people I know.
Anyway, tonight I told him I wanted some form of intimate contact, rubbing my back my shoulder anything!!!! Not sex just anything to reassure me that we were going to be ok and he couldn't do it. So I told him that he obviously doesn't love me and I think we are at the separation point. When he agreed, I flipped out. I guess in my head I thought that as long as he was still here that there was a sliver of a chance that he still loved me. But as soon as he agreed to leave I felt all hope drain out of me and was replaced by anger. That his lack of love for me was greater than his willingness to hurt our children. I flew into a rage and packed his stuff in a suitcase and threw it at him and told him to leave. This is not how a rational person should behave. I am a basket case. He didn't leave, he tried to calm me down and went to bed. I am so confused and lonely. I feel terrible about myself and have so much anger for him. I don't want to separate I feel like that would be the end as he already has a lot of space because of his job and it would be devastating for the kids that the 2 weeks a month that he is home has to be split so he would not see them very much at all. I want to save my family and marriage. But I am just so angry and confused. Can people fall in love again or should I blow my kids away or live like roommates?.


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## Sandfly (Dec 8, 2013)

This is really sad. I am sorry to read about your situation. You are obviously attached to him, and he has disconnected from you.

If he is telling the counsellor that he wants to leave, and then he is quick to agree with you that you should separate, then he must have his mind made up.

I hope someone here is able to advise you.

I think being room-mates will make you much sadder though.


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## Jung_admirer (Jun 26, 2013)

I am so sorry you find yourself here, but let me assure you there are very good people here on TAM to answer your questions and help you find some firm ground to stand on. 18 months ago I received the same message from my partner, "I love you but I am not in love with you". We men are simple creatures when it comes to getting our emotional needs, and his needs are being met somewhere and somehow.I think the first order of things is to figure out where he is at. There will shortly be comments from posters who can assist you in finding out what's going on with your partner, even if he is not willing to discuss it openly. Quite frankly, you have every right to know what is going on in every aspect of your marriage. Next, we need to get you to an IC counselor who comes highly recommended for marriage issues. You need to have a counselor that is experienced and trustworthy, someone you can trust to have your back. 

Your first impulse will be to cling to the husband you hold so dearly. Unless your husband is a very unusual man, he will perceive this behavior as needy. The hard part here is you need to backoff some, because you are worthy of being respected and loved by your partner with dignity. Your counselor will help you find your footing here. 

Let me be clear here ... You are thinking about what you can do to keep your husband. Changing your mindset will require you begin to think about what he needs to do to gain your trust and admiration after dropping the ILBINILWY.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Hang in there. So sorry you'e r here. Please follow what these people say. TAM is a very good place to be. You will get the help you are looking for. It's a very scary road you are starting on. Don't be afraid to ask for help from the people you are close to or even from this site. You will need it. 

~sammy


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

Do you have someone you can talk this out with - a friend, a family member, clergy - someone you know and trust?


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## Lost faith (Jan 18, 2014)

Jung_admirer said:


> I am so sorry you find yourself here, but let me assure you there are very good people here on TAM to answer your questions and help you find some firm ground to stand on. 18 months ago I received the same message from my partner, "I love you but I am not in love with you". We men are simple creatures when it comes to getting our emotional needs, and his needs are being met somewhere and somehow.I think the first order of things is to figure out where he is at. There will shortly be comments from posters who can assist you in finding out what's going on with your partner, even if he is not willing to discuss it openly. Quite frankly, you have every right to know what is going on in every aspect of your marriage. Next, we need to get you to an IC counselor who comes highly recommended for marriage issues. You need to have a counselor that is experienced and trustworthy, someone you can trust to have your back.
> 
> Your first impulse will be to cling to the husband you hold so dearly. Unless your husband is a very unusual man, he will perceive this behavior as needy. The hard part here is you need to backoff some, because you are worthy of being respected and loved by your partner with dignity. Your counselor will help you find your footing here.
> 
> Let me be clear here ... You are thinking about what you can do to keep your husband. Changing your mindset will require you begin to think about what he needs to do to gain your trust and admiration after dropping the ILBINILWY.


Thanks for your support. He has been really good through all of this. He has been extra affectionate hugging me and talking to me. I think that is one of my problems I am taking comfort from the one who is hurting me. I have asked him if he has someone else and he claims no. I honestly believe him, don't want to be one of those stupid wives who take his word but I do believe him. He says he is just as confused as I am as to why after all this time he feels this way. 
What is an ic counselor are they different than regular counselors?


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## blackdog (Dec 18, 2013)

Have you asked him if he finds you too needy? Just a thought.


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

This could be typical mid life crisis.......Check out "The Hero's Spouse" forum as well. That site and this one keep me afloat. There are good people in both places and they/we are going to help you!


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## Jung_admirer (Jun 26, 2013)

Betrayedone said:


> This could be typical mid life crisis.......Check out "The Hero's Spouse" forum as well. That site and this one keep me afloat. There are good people in both places and they/we are going to help you!


Agreed. Mid-life crisis (MLC) is a really confusing time. IC is individual counseling. For MLC, the right therapist for your husband to talk to is someone who specializes in Depth Psychology. 
http://www.jungiananalystsc.com/

The very best book written on MLC is called "The Middle Passage":
http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/09191236

Everything I said in my previous post is still true. Cover the bases, line-up some support for you, allow some space in the marriage. I would add now: Tell your husband how you feel about him, why his happiness is important to you, then take a step back. Ask him to get some good IC support. A male therapist in his 60's might be a good choice, someone who can guide by example and assist your husband with his middle passage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lost faith (Jan 18, 2014)

I don't think I am too needy. He is away 2 weeks out of the month so I am pretty independent. I have not been begging or asking him to stay. This morning after I calmed down I helped him pack and told him to go. He said he changed his mind and wants to stay and figure things out. So I guess that is a step in the right direction. Thanks for all your comments, it makes me not feel so alone.


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