# Wife hanging out with younger friends



## richards

Been married five years and me in the wife are 41 and 39 with a 4 year old. She's been back to work for a year now and works with a lot of younger girls(21-28). Lately she's been hanging out with these girls which I don't really have a problem with. Yesterday she asked if it was ok if she and my daughter went to a rodeo while I was at work. I said no problem, then she added that she wanted to go out to a bar afterwards to go dancing with her 21 year old girlfriend and her boyfriend. I told her I didn't think it was appropriate for her to go to a bar with people half her age drinking and dancing. She assured me she wouldn't be drinking and would only dance with her girlfriends boyfriend. What do you guys think? Am I over reacting? She has in the past gone out with her older friends and I have encouaged her to do so. It's just lately she's been spending a lot of time with these younger people.


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## F-102

It will be inappropriate if she goes despite your concerns. And, given the age, it seems a little awkward. But when she said she'll only dance with her BF, it got me thinking: 
21-year-old guy + MILF = One hell of a recipe for trouble.


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## richards

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Entropy3000

richards said:


> Been married five years and me in the wife are 41 and 39 with a 4 year old. She's been back to work for a year now and works with a lot of younger girls(21-28). Lately she's been hanging out with these girls which I don't really have a problem with. Yesterday she asked if it was ok if she and my daughter went to a rodeo while I was at work. I said no problem, then she added that she wanted to go out to a bar afterwards to go dancing with her 21 year old girlfriend and her boyfriend. I told her I didn't think it was appropriate for her to go to a bar with people half her age drinking and dancing. She assured me she wouldn't be drinking and would only dance with her girlfriends boyfriend. What do you guys think? Am I over reacting? She has in the past gone out with her older friends and I have encouaged her to do so. It's just lately she's been spending a lot of time with these younger people.


Thumbs down.

Opening pandoras box ... pun intended


I get that this is going on while your working. Not sure where the 4 year old is ... at the bar. Can they dance too. Anyway, this scneario would be better if you two couples went out together. This is just the start of a whole lotta pain ahead. Trust me.


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## richards

Yea, I don't see any reason for her to be pulling some crap like this. Now she's trying to say I don't trust her and I'm being controlling. It's not her I don't trust it's drunk guys in bars! Well this might get interesting if she decides to go.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Entropy3000

richards said:


> Yea, I don't see any reason for her to be pulling some crap like this. *Now she's trying to say I don't trust her and I'm being controlling. I*t's not her I don't trust it's drunk guys in bars! Well this might get interesting if she decides to go.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yup. She just validated your concerns by playing those cards.
She is 39. Very significant number ... to her.

This is just a trial run. Then watch out. Again, I see this as single behavior.

What kind of dancing are we talking about. Serious question. Oh is the guy and the other friends that show up without you knowing going to the rodeo or associated with the rodeo?

I wonder how she would feel if the situation were reveresed. You going to a bar and dancing with your single friends girlfriend(s). They being in ther late 20s. Ask her that?

FWIW it seems that the wives that stray are 100% trusted by their hubbys when they do. I am not saying this is her intent. They end up playing just the tip with the whole attention. It is the seduction over time that happens. Then you get "I Love You But I am Not In Love With You" and / or she needs some space.

The thing is if she goes knowing you did not want her to, she has broken your trust. Some would that as cheating already. If she runs through your red light you have to wonder if there is not already a person of interest who will be there. These others could just be decoys.


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## richards

Entropy3000 said:


> Yup. She just validated your concerns by playing those cards.
> She is 39. Very significant number ... to her.
> 
> This is just a trial run. Then watch out. Again, I see this as single behavior.
> 
> What kind of dancing are we talking about. Serious question. Oh is the guy and the other friends that show up without you knowing going to the rodeo or associated with the rodeo?
> 
> I wonder how she would feel if the situation were reveresed. You going to a bar and dancing with your single friends girlfriend(s). They being in ther late 20s. Ask he that?
> 
> FWIW it seems that the wives that stray are 100% trusted by their hubbys when they do. I am not saying this is her intent. They end up playing just the tip with the whole attention. It is the seduction over time that happens. Then you get "I Love You But I am Not In Love With You" and / or she needs some space.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## richards

She set her friend the 21 year old up with one of her clients sons who is a bull rider. I've met him and he seems alright but after reading his Facebook I've got some concerns about how he and his friends talk about women. Like I said before I don't have any problem with her going to the rodeo with her girlfriend and her client, but the bar afterwards isn't happening. If I was with her it would be different and I told her that. The more I think about this the more it pisses me off. Just need to figure out what to do if she does go out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## richards

It's country dancing and I've already reversed the situation on her. She says it's not the same but I told her she's full of it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_ Also we're going to Florida in Sep and for two days I'm gonna meet up with some of my Navy buds and she's trying to compare that to this. Ridiculous!


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## Entropy3000

richards said:


> She set her friend the 21 year old up with one of her clients sons who is a bull rider. I've met him and he seems alright but after reading his Facebook I've got some concerns about how he and his friends talk about women. Like I said before I don't have any problem with her going to the rodeo with her girlfriend and her client, but the bar afterwards isn't happening. If I was with her it would be different and I told her that. The more I think about this the more it pisses me off. Just need to figure out what to do if she does go out.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think you are on solid ground. You love your wife. You are not being controlling. You are mindfull of the different activities and understand the risks. It is not like you were against her having fun and being able to do things with friends. You just expect appropriate boundaries.

Yeah I know what you mean about how folks can talk about women. Not sure how much respect they may or may not have for your wife with them drinking. A MILF notch on the belt is a likely thing for them to consider anyway. She is vulnerable and does not realize it.

After all this is the mother of your four year old. Your are protecting your family.

So she has friended him on Facebook?

Good luck.

I would find out where they were wanting to go. If she ends up MIA, I would probably stop and and check things out from afar. Then after watching a good while, introduce myself.

Then afterwards deal with the wife on going anyway. Just letting her know how serious this is to you and that she broke your trust and you think this behavior is on the edge of cheating.


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## Entropy3000

richards said:


> It's country dancing and I've already reversed the situation on her. She says it's not the same but I told her she's full of it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_ Also we're going to Florida in Sep and for two days I'm gonna meet up with some of my Navy buds and she's trying to compare that to this. Ridiculous!


Yeah I figured. How is it not the same!!! LOL.

Navy buds are a whole other thing. But now she is playing games. Sounds like a sh!t test to me. I will leave that to the experts on this board.


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## Wishful Thinking1

richards said:


> Been married five years and me in the wife are 41 and 39 with a 4 year old. She's been back to work for a year now and works with a lot of younger girls(21-28). Lately she's been hanging out with these girls which I don't really have a problem with. Yesterday she asked if it was ok if she and my daughter went to a rodeo while I was at work. I said no problem, then she added that she wanted to go out to a bar afterwards to go dancing with her 21 year old girlfriend and her boyfriend. I told her I didn't think it was appropriate for her to go to a bar with people half her age drinking and dancing. She assured me she wouldn't be drinking and would only dance with her girlfriends boyfriend. What do you guys think? Am I over reacting? She has in the past gone out with her older friends and I have encouaged her to do so. It's just lately she's been spending a lot of time with these younger people.


Take is from some one that was in your wife's shoes. It is leading to no good. I was 39 and married when I started going out with friends. To bars and dancing well guess what I left my husband less then a year later. I didn't want to be married anymore. Beware you need to sit down and talk to her and go out with her when she goes. If she doesn't want you to its to late. SORRY


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## F-102

"Controlling" and "Don't trust her": Classic cheater defenses.

I think it's getting to the stage of "You're married-she's not"


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## richards

Had a big blow up fight about this last night and was ready to throw in the towel, then talked again this morning. She said she won't go out to the bar. I don't feel it's resolved. I ended up calling her parents last night and told them the situation. Her father is a preacher and they are gonna talk to her and find out what's going on with her. She hates when I get her parents involved but I felt maybe they could talk some sense into her. She just doesn't seem to understand that hanging out with people half her age isn't right. She loves to bring up the past when we get into fights. She also likes to bring up stuff I've written on FB to other girls I had as friends. We've talked FB and we've both deleted a bunch of people off but it still comes up. I've been honest with her and keep telling her I've never cheated of tried to start any kind of affair but she's insecure and has been since we met. I'm pretty sure this will blow over for a week or two until something else triggers an argument then she'll bring it all up again. My question is when is enough, enough?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lon

Yeah warning flags were going up for a reason. Talking to her father will p!ss her off but maybe be the dominating force she needs to realize this behavior could easily be considered wayward, not sure if it makes you look weaker though so myabe not a great idea.

As a now separated man, and betrayed spouse who watched as my W sought friendships with younger girls and spent more and more time going out, I should have put up some boundaries much sooner. I wish I had acted on all the red flags I now realize I totally blinded myself to. One thing I would recommend to do more often is find a sitter to take care of your daughter and make more dates to do the things she wants right now - dancing, partying - let go a little, try to loosen up and have no fear (easy for me to say now that I've had to go through this myself, sure wish I let go of some hangups while marriage still had a chance).


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## richards

Lon said:


> Yeah warning flags were going up for a reason. Talking to her father will p!ss her off but maybe be the dominating force she needs to realize this behavior could easily be considered wayward, not sure if it makes you look weaker though so myabe not a great idea.
> 
> As a now separated man, and betrayed spouse who watched as my W sought friendships with younger girls and spent more and more time going out, I should have put up some boundaries much sooner. I wish I had acted on all the red flags I now realize I totally blinded myself to. One thing I would recommend to do more often is find a sitter to take care of your daughter and make more dates to do the things she wants right now - dancing, partying - let go a little, try to loosen up and have no fear (easy for me to say now that I've had to go through this myself, sure wish I let go of some hangups while marriage still had a chance).


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## richards

As far as getting her parents involved that's between me and them. They aren't going to let her know I've talked to them because we all know she hates when I do that. We also do go out quite a bit. Concerts, hanging out at the river with friends, dinner, etc... It's funny because some of her older girlfriends and younger ones have told her that they wished they had a man/father like me. I'm not trying to sound conceaded or anything but my wife has it pretty good. After staying home for three years with our daughter she started going stir crazy so we both agreed she should go back to work. She loves her job and it has helped with her self esteem but she thinks she's 21 again working with all those young girls. I've told her she needs to get her priorities straight.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Entropy3000

You probably intervened before a real problem occurred. The whole being 39 and wanting to act 21 ... wow. I kinda get it but it is something that needed to be dealt with sooner than later.

Good luck.


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## Lon

richards, I know about getting the family involved (they are already and so have a right to know how you both are), and I did not mean to imply that it was the wrong thing or you didn't have every right to get their help and support. My situation is much different and going to her family seems to have "created a whole bunch of drama" (in her mind) and I do not regret it, it made our separation a little more intense but will probably end in a better and quicker resolve either way.


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## Shooboomafoo

You see, WishfulThiniking waited until she was 39 to start going out.
I guess her 62 year old husband wouldnt be dragged around so she left him.
Her advice is BAD, really BAD.


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## Marduk

I'd handle this a completely different way. I'd let her go now, you now have her backed into a corner where she may start to think you're controlling and insecure.

If she's going to do something then the marriage is already over. Tough road, tough break. I went down this path of trying to control my wife and it blew up in my face big time. I started to take another path of taking charge in my own life and setting up boundaries... and what's good for the goose is good for the gander. Chances are she'll go out with the 20-somethings and feel really, really old. Have you ever seen a 40 year old person trying to be 20? Looks really painful and embarrassing. She may come to this on her own. Ask her if she'd be OK with you going to the bar with a 20-something girl... now she'd have to be OK with it.

Just my 2c, I'm not in your situation so I'm talking out my a** a bit, hope everything turns out well for you.


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## Shooboomafoo

Agree with Marduk.
That "controlling" issue is going to be part of the blame-game anyways. Why must it be? There has to be a point where you can rely on her to make appropriate decisions about these things. This is not an appropriate decision and you could fill the room with people who know this, and she could fill the room with 20somethings that are single and ready to profess that you are a control freak. 
Something is underlying here. I am glad that she asked, but I used to get asked about all that crap too, and it turned out to just be a way she could do whatever she wanted and ease her own conscience about it as well. As long as I said it was okay. Both placing me in the position of being controlling, as well as building resentment against me whether I said yes, or no.
Funny how that works out.


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## waitwhat

I am a 45 yr old woman. I was a leader for our church's senior highyouth group for a number of years and now some of these kids are in their 20's and we are still friends. Occasionally one will ask me to do something with her and a group of her peers that I do not feel comfortable doing. Like a fun scavenger/dare night thing.
I think I'm rather fun and attractive  and look younger than I am, but it doesn't matter. I would feel very uncomfortable thinking some of them are wondering what the heck I'm doing there! No way. I would not go. I limit my outings with these youngsters to movies, coffee, shopping, hiking, beach, etc. I would never want to try to fit into their "bar" world. AWKWARD! Plus, it's true, your wife could be found attractive by a younger man and that would feel great to her and that would end up spelling trouble!


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## Entropy3000

Yeah but some women now have this whole MILF / COUGAR thing going and she probably will be laughed at and maybe even passed around before it is over. Then what?

Her husband should indeed not worry about looking like he is controlling. What weak man would worry about that. He is worried about looking bad or being blamed. Who cares? He should be looking out for his partner BEFORE she gets involved here. 

All I can say is that in my marriage my wife had my back when I was being stupid. I thought she was wrong at the time but she saved our marriage. She cared enough to not be apathetic. She engaged. I think he should engage too and not be worried about the 20 somethings calling him controlling. Who cares. Now if the wife runs through his requests, then let her go on her way. Not a way a 39 year old woman should be behaving.


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## Hicks

Controlling = Don't go out

Not controlling = You are free to do what you want, but I won't tolerate this in my marriage.


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## Entropy3000

Hicks said:


> Controlling = Don't go out
> 
> Not controlling = You are free to do what you want, but I won't tolerate this in my marriage.


How about : I don't want you to do this. I think it is disrespectful and crosses our boundaries. I consider it cheating.

If that gets you no where then you go to the "You are free to do what you want, but I won't tolerate this in my marriage."

I just think always going to the threat of divorce adds up over time. It should be understood, but one should only invoke when truly needed. 

I guess for me my relationship never has gone into the first mode. It is a hot button for women I suppose that has little to do with my relationship with my wife. Maybe that is why I have not had these issues.

But again if someone invokes the "controlling" card for any reason it should not be tolerated either. Total BS. A husband has a right to step in and call her on her behavior. A husband should never give in to the controlling card or the insecure card. That is way too weak. 
Threatening divorce can be considered controlling as well.


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## Kobo

Hicks said:


> Controlling = Don't go out
> 
> Not controlling = You are free to do what you want, but I won't tolerate this in my marriage.


I don't agree. IMO Both statements are two sides of the same coin. One has just more reasoning in it. Controlling to me is "You can't go out" followed up by showing up as she's leaving work. When we tell our kids "Don't use Facebook", we are giving them a boundary. When we install software that prevents them from using facebook we are controlling.


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## waitwhat

Hmmmm. I'm kind of rebellious. I'm trying to think of what would work on me. 
How about suggesting a compromise? Say something like, "Yeah, honey, I hear what you're saying. It would be a LOT of fun for you. I'm not comfortable with it. I DO want you to have fun. What is something else that you could do instead? Want me to spring for a pedicure for you and *insert name of one of her friends here*. Or, 
"Yeah, honey, I hear what you're saying. It would be a LOT of fun for you. I'm not comfortable with it. I DO want you to have fun. What is something else that you could do instead? Would you like me to pick up a movie that we can watch after the kids go to bed? I will make you some popcorn and give you a nice foot rub..."
Now I KNOW that some of you will think that is somewhat servile, but it's really, really hard to talk a rebellious woman out of doing something she wants to do. Dr Phil says it great when he says, "talking a woman into doing something she doesn't want to do is like trying to baptize a cat!" 
My husband's first inclination is to go to the, "can't WE do something together" card, but if I'm pissed at him for not letting me do something I want to do, the last thing I want as a compromize is to do something with HIM. That's why I threw out the pedicure idea first. But, I have to admit, I really, really like hanging out with my husband late at night watching movies! So that would probably work for me. 
FYI, before I get a bunch of negative feedback, I'm also just as likely to do randomacts of kindness for my husband any given day of the week!!


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## Entropy3000

waitwhat said:


> Hmmmm. I'm kind of rebellious. I'm trying to think of what would work on me.
> How about suggesting a compromise? Say something like, "Yeah, honey, I hear what you're saying. It would be a LOT of fun for you. I'm not comfortable with it. I DO want you to have fun. What is something else that you could do instead? Want me to spring for a pedicure for you and *insert name of one of her friends here*. Or,
> "Yeah, honey, I hear what you're saying. It would be a LOT of fun for you. I'm not comfortable with it. I DO want you to have fun. What is something else that you could do instead? Would you like me to pick up a movie that we can watch after the kids go to bed? I will make you some popcorn and give you a nice foot rub..."
> Now I KNOW that some of you will think that is somewhat servile, but it's really, really hard to talk a rebellious woman out of doing something she wants to do. Dr Phil says it great when he says, "talking a woman into doing something she doesn't want to do is like trying to baptize a cat!"
> My husband's first inclination is to go to the, "can't WE do something together" card, but if I'm pissed at him for not letting me do something I want to do, the last thing I want as a compromize is to do something with HIM. That's why I threw out the pedicure idea first. But, I have to admit, I really, really like hanging out with my husband late at night watching movies! So that would probably work for me.
> FYI, before I get a bunch of negative feedback, I'm also just as likely to do randomacts of kindness for my husband any given day of the week!!


I don't find what you are suggesting as serville. It makes sense to me. It is caring enough of the persons feelings without being too Beta. BUT it does not put them in a corner which is fine by me. I am in no way a conflict avoider but I see nothing wrong with this type of reasoning ... to start. It gets to the heart of the persons priorities and any hidden agendas. 

IF they don't want to do anything else and don't want the additional time with the husband then it is very much easier to go to the the next step in stating that this is unacceptable and will not be tolerated.

The man does not want to stray into the submissive role here so he just needs to be assertive and leading the couple out of conflict.

The thing is in this case the husband is doing his part. He is trying to keep his relationship together and in the cave man sense he is c0ckblocking.


And Ummmmm. It sounds like you love your husband and he knows it. He is lucky.


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## Entropy3000

Kobo said:


> I don't agree. IMO Both statements are two sides of the same coin. One has just more reasoning in it. Controlling to me is "You can't go out" followed up by showing up as she's leaving work. When we tell our kids "Don't use Facebook", we are giving them a boundary. When we install software that prevents them from using facebook we are controlling.


Interesting. I think I like it.


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## KJ5000

F-102 said:


> *"Controlling" and "Don't trust her"*: Classic cheater defenses.
> 
> I think it's getting to the stage of "You're married-she's not"


:iagree:
One of my former co workers said this to and about her husband. SHE WAS CHEATING.

My nephew said this to his wife during and argument at a family gathering. HE WAS CHEATING. Rinse and repeat.


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## thinner

my stbx wife started back working, then went out for "drinks" after work often and even told me of a young co-worker she saw at the bar that said she looked "hot" and bought her and her friend a drink. 2 months later she told me she was confused. 1 month later, she told me she wanted a divorce. Coincidence...i think not. I agree, this is a recipe for disaster. I am a firm believer that we reap what we sow. In her case she will get this new-found "freedom" but at the enormous cost of destroying her family. On my end of this ordeal, I have found "peace". Reality is an opponent that is hard to face...and in her case, the score is actually 3 to 0 so far in reality's favor. Put a stop to this, or you'll be posting in the "going through divorce" section within the next several months.
.02 + or -


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## richards

thinner said:


> my stbx wife started back working, then went out for "drinks" after work often and even told me of a young co-worker she saw at the bar that said she looked "hot" and bought her and her friend a drink. 2 months later she told me she was confused. 1 month later, she told me she wanted a divorce. Coincidence...i think not. I agree, this is a recipe for disaster. I am a firm believer that we reap what we sow. In her case she will get this new-found "freedom" but at the enormous cost of destroying her family. On my end of this ordeal, I have found "peace". Reality is an opponent that is hard to face...and in her case, the score is actually 3 to 0 so far in reality's favor. Put a stop to this, or you'll be posting in the "going through divorce" section within the next several months.
> .02 + or -


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## richards

Ok, here's the latest. Told the wife that I wasn't gonna put up with this and she continued to say she didn't see a problem with hanging out with the younger crowd. She kept telling me that everyone she talked to said it was fine and that I was being controlling. So I told her that I was going to set up a meeting with our preacher and his wife and let them tell us what they thought about the whole situation. At first she thought that I was gonna bad mouth her and give her a bad rep with our pastor but then she agreed. This was yesterday(Friday). We got in another fight before I went to work and she went to the rodeo with my daughter. She didn't go to the bar which she told me she wouldn't. After the rodeo she came up to my work and we talked. Things cooled down a bit. Then she got a call from one of her girlfriends who is 28 and needed to be picked up from the 21 year olds boyfriends house. She went and picked her up and called me once she got home. This is when my wife had some kind of revelation! The two guys who were with the 21 and 28 year old ended up calling more girls over and that is why the 28 year old called my wife to pick her up. The 28 year old told my wife how sick and tired she was of being treated like **** by these immature guys. I'm guessing that's when it clicked in my wife's hard head. She ended up telling me I was right about the whole situation and that she didn't want to hang out with people like that and she has to much to lose. I don't know what finally clicked with her, I'm guessing that it was the 28 year old *****ing about being treated like crap by younger guys. I never thought my wife would cheat on me, I think she was just trying to be defiant. She needs to just realize that I'm looking out for her best interest.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## diana_w

richards said:


> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 sometimes you males are just too suspicious.


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## Entropy3000

diana_w said:


> sometimes you males are just too suspicious.


We are wired that way.. We care. It is what we are supposed to do. It is our role.


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## Entropy3000

richards said:


> Ok, here's the latest. Told the wife that I wasn't gonna put up with this and she continued to say she didn't see a problem with hanging out with the younger crowd. She kept telling me that everyone she talked to said it was fine and that I was being controlling. So I told her that I was going to set up a meeting with our preacher and his wife and let them tell us what they thought about the whole situation. At first she thought that I was gonna bad mouth her and give her a bad rep with our pastor but then she agreed. This was yesterday(Friday). We got in another fight before I went to work and she went to the rodeo with my daughter. She didn't go to the bar which she told me she wouldn't. After the rodeo she came up to my work and we talked. Things cooled down a bit. Then she got a call from one of her girlfriends who is 28 and needed to be picked up from the 21 year olds boyfriends house. She went and picked her up and called me once she got home. This is when my wife had some kind of revelation! The two guys who were with the 21 and 28 year old ended up calling more girls over and that is why the 28 year old called my wife to pick her up. The 28 year old told my wife how sick and tired she was of being treated like **** by these immature guys. I'm guessing that's when it clicked in my wife's hard head. She ended up telling me I was right about the whole situation and that she didn't want to hang out with people like that and she has to much to lose. I don't know what finally clicked with her, I'm guessing that it was the 28 year old *****ing about being treated like crap by younger guys. I never thought my wife would cheat on me, I think she was just trying to be defiant. She needs to just realize that I'm looking out for her best interest.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Good deal. Probably more to this story. So glad she did not go ahead to the bar with these guys. Maybe you and your wife dodged a bullet. Thanks for updating us.


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## Undertheradar

Just a reminder.....

She may have just "backed you off", by telling you what you've been wanting to hear.

Keep your antennas up. Lay low, say nothing about it, by watch her actions. If there was a craving, she may go back.
Give it more time.


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## morituri

Words are cheap. Only her actions - from this point on - are what should matter to you.


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## Therealbrighteyes

I have a different take on this. I don't see anything wrong with going out every once in a while and I don't see how ages would matter. I have friends of all ages, the youngest being 23 (former co-worker) and I am 39. I go out with her because she is nice, responsible and we both love to dance. My husband is fine with this because he trusts me, I know my boundaries and he really doesn't like to dance. I am not dancing with other men at all, I am dancing with my group of friends. 
I don't see this as reliving youth, MLC or anything else other than just doing something I enjoy, dancing. I know others will disagree with me and I think that's because many people here have been cheated on in this scenario. If someone is prone to cheating though, it doesn't matter if it's a bar, nightclub or the local car wash.
Saying you trust your wife, it's the guys you don't trust is an oxymoron. If you trust your wife, whatever the guys do would be of no consequence. She has free will and the ability to say "I'm married" and walk away.


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## Entropy3000

Therealbrighteyes said:


> I have a different take on this. I don't see anything wrong with going out every once in a while and I don't see how ages would matter. I have friends of all ages, the youngest being 23 (former co-worker) and I am 39. I go out with her because she is nice, responsible and we both love to dance. My husband is fine with this because he trusts me, I know my boundaries and he really doesn't like to dance. I am not dancing with other men at all, I am dancing with my group of friends.
> I don't see this as reliving youth, MLC or anything else other than just doing something I enjoy, dancing. I know others will disagree with me and I think that's because many people here have been cheated on in this scenario. If someone is prone to cheating though, it doesn't matter if it's a bar, nightclub or the local car wash.
> Saying you trust your wife, it's the guys you don't trust is an oxymoron. If you trust your wife, whatever the guys do would be of no consequence. She has free will and the ability to say "I'm married" and walk away.


In this scenario we are talking about some guys that are already having issues with her friends. The husband does not think these guys are going to respect his wife. He has every right to be concerned for her and his marriage. This is where boundaries help. Trust should never be 100% blind with anyone you truly care about. They are too valuable and dear to you. We are all vulnerable. Many 39 year old women have an extra vulnerability. 

So he does not want his wife dancing with thes young rodeo dudes. We are not talking about comitted husbands either. These guys are screwing around with her friends. Why would her husband want her to be out with these guys when he is at work?

Would she be ok with the hubby hanging out with 20 somethings and their girl friends who are not in comitted relationships? No indeed. Hey lets make the girls Mavs dancers. Trying to get something equivalent to rodeo dudes. We can certainly see the immature drama working in the younger friends lives. Calling the 39 year old to pick her up at some dudes house who was bringing in more women. Probably not the life style one would hope for at 39. What husband would like his wife wrapped up in that mess?

Also this is another thread where is looks like the husband and wife have worked out their issues. Good luck to them.


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## MrK

Therealbrighteyes said:


> If someone is prone to cheating though, it doesn't matter if it's a bar, nightclub or the local car wash.


People go to your local car wash to drink, party, flirt and get laid?

:scratchhead:


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## waitwhat

Therealbrighteyes, there is almost always an exception to every rule. I'm sure you and your husband one of those exceptions! I bet you don't even drink when you go dancing. Seriously, though, when you throw drinking into the mix, things happen that wouldn't normally happen!
I'm glad richards wife had a revelation. I have been watching to see how it turned out! Thanks for sharing!


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## turnera

What are you doing to improve your marriage? What's your typical week like? Who does what? How much time do YOU TWO spend together without child? Doing what?


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## richards

Latest update. So everything was cool this weekend. Then tonight I'm at work again and I call her at home to say goodnight to her and my daughter. Asked her what she and my daughter have been doing and she leaves out the part that her 21 year old girlfriend had came over, drank a couple glasse of wine and watched a movie. When I asked her why she left that out she said she didn't think it was that big of a deal. Now remember I told her I don't care if she hangs out with the girl, just not in a bar. WTF?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Syrum

If she ever pulls out the you don't trust me card, tell her you trust her enough that she will behave like your wife, and not someone who is 18 and single, you also trust her enough that she won't go putting herself in situations where there could be temptations or things could go wrong. If she chooses to do those things then she breaks your trust.


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## AFEH

richards said:


> Latest update. So everything was cool this weekend. Then tonight I'm at work again and I call her at home to say goodnight to her and my daughter. Asked her what she and my daughter have been doing and she leaves out the part that her 21 year old girlfriend had came over, drank a couple glasse of wine and watched a movie. When I asked her why she left that out she said she didn't think it was that big of a deal. Now remember I told her I don't care if she hangs out with the girl, just not in a bar. WTF?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Your wife lied to you, which makes her a liar. PM me if you'd like some help on how to move forward.


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## marrid4life

Wishful Thinking1 said:


> Take is from some one that was in your wife's shoes. It is leading to no good. I was 39 and married when I started going out with friends. To bars and dancing well guess what I left my husband less then a year later. I didn't want to be married anymore. Beware you need to sit down and talk to her and go out with her when she goes. If she doesn't want you to its to late. SORRY


Umm may i ask, how long were you married? and now do you regret being divorced or separated.


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## marrid4life

Therealbrighteyes said:


> I have a different take on this. I don't see anything wrong with going out every once in a while and I don't see how ages would matter. I have friends of all ages, the youngest being 23 (former co-worker) and I am 39. I go out with her because she is nice, responsible and we both love to dance. My husband is fine with this because he trusts me, I know my boundaries and he really doesn't like to dance. I am not dancing with other men at all, I am dancing with my group of friends.
> I don't see this as reliving youth, MLC or anything else other than just doing something I enjoy, dancing. I know others will disagree with me and I think that's because many people here have been cheated on in this scenario. If someone is prone to cheating though, it doesn't matter if it's a bar, nightclub or the local car wash.
> Saying you trust your wife, it's the guys you don't trust is an oxymoron. If you trust your wife, whatever the guys do would be of no consequence. She has free will and the ability to say "I'm married" and walk away.



I have to agree on that about trust, all of us have a free will to just walk away. I think as we get older we all like attention and praises and that might mean by flirting abit but then knowing when to cut it off and not step over the boundries, but i shouldnt say to much cos i am going thru some rough times and it might be over for my marriage as well.


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## F-102

Perhaps she felt that mentioning anything to you about being with ANY of those friends would upset you, and she feels that she is walking on eggshells. 

But beware-this "friend" may be toxic.


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## turnera

richards said:


> Latest update. So everything was cool this weekend. Then tonight I'm at work again and I call her at home to say goodnight to her and my daughter. Asked her what she and my daughter have been doing and she leaves out the part that her 21 year old girlfriend had came over, drank a couple glasse of wine and watched a movie. When I asked her why she left that out she said she didn't think it was that big of a deal. Now remember I told her I don't care if she hangs out with the girl, just not in a bar. WTF?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You TOLD HER that you don't care if they hang out. And then when she does, you question her about it. 

Which is it?

I'm pretty sure she's asking that question right now.


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## Entropy3000

richards said:


> Latest update. So everything was cool this weekend. Then tonight I'm at work again and I call her at home to say goodnight to her and my daughter. Asked her what she and my daughter have been doing and she leaves out the part that her 21 year old girlfriend had came over, drank a couple glasse of wine and watched a movie. When I asked her why she left that out she said she didn't think it was that big of a deal. Now remember I told her I don't care if she hangs out with the girl, just not in a bar. WTF?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Boundaries have to be carefully thought through. They did not go to a bar. Your wife was not hanging out with her girlfriends boyfriends in a bar. 

You told her it was ok to hang out with the 21 year old. The safest place to do so would have been watching a movie at your house.

If you wanted her not to hangout with the 21 year old, you need to agree on a boundary of that.

I guess your concern is that she left out that information. Are you worried your wife will start drinking with her?

Now you are really going to have to soul search what your current issue is about any of this. I do admit it is more than a little creepy that she hangs out with the 21 year old period.

I think you just have to monitor things. I do see why this would raise your eye brows, but in and of iteself it is well within the boundary. The friend may very well be "toxic" but your wife works with her. So that comlicates things a bunch. Your wife needs some new friends that are marriage friendly and age appropriate IMHO.

So yeah, your situation is in an uneasy period and I would be concerned about activities behind your back. I would be concerned less about bars now and more about your wife hanging out over the wrong peoples houses which would be infinitely more dangerous. i.e. if she takes her friends over to these single guys houses. There will be drinking there and your wife would be in huge danger of going off the deep end or flat just being taken advantage of. The only reason I bring it up is related to her having to go pick up the 28 year old at the guys place where they were brining in other girls. So I guess I am coming around to the thinking that just hanging out with these folks is a bad idea. BUT, it is a difficult situation. She is complying with the no bar thing ... as far as you can tell now.


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## Entropy3000

Syrum said:


> If she ever pulls out the you don't trust me card, tell her you trust her enough that she will behave like your wife, and not someone who is 18 and single, you also trust her enough that she won't go putting herself in situations where there could be temptations or things could go wrong. If she chooses to do those things then she breaks your trust.


:iagree: This is like my biggest point in all this kinda stuff.


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## richards

I'm over worrying about it. I'm just gonna do my own thing and see how she likes it. What's good for the goose is good for the gander!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Entropy3000

richards said:


> I'm over worrying about it. I'm just gonna do my own thing and see how she likes it. What's good for the goose is good for the gander!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Good deal. Let us know how this goes.


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## F-102

Richards, don't want to scare you, but something in your post about when she went to pick up the friend stood out at me, and it was what you DIDN'T say:

How much time elapsed between your W going to pick her up and calling you about it?


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## richards

It wasn't very long. My wife and daughter were with me at my work and then they ran out there to pick her friend up who's car was at my house. Maybe 20-30 minutes including the ten minute drive over there. I don't think anything could have happened during that time with my daughter with her. I'm just over it. Tired of thinking about it and wondering what might have happened. It's just a complete waste of my time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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