# Counseling SUCKED! Worst decision ever.



## OnraSR

About 15yrs ago my (now) wife were having some issues. She is older than me and i was still going through the "club phase" with some friends. So id want to club hop, but she didn't really want to. So me being young, just pushed her out of the way and hit the town. Almost every night. 

So we decided to see a counselor. His first advice, which i think maybe had a chance under different circumstances, was to select just one night a week for me to go out. Either she goes with me or not, but either way its my night to party. So i selected Fri night as it worked best for my work schedule. 

Coincidentally my weekly therapy session was on Fri night, around 6pm. 

So we would go there and by the time he said "ok well that's it, see you guys next Friday" we were screaming, pointing, blaming, accusing, sweating, swearing, etc. 

THEN the fun begins! Now its 7pm and we get back in the car together. Screaming continues, of course. Now an hour later its my designated night to go out! 

So "excuse me hon i know we are in the middle of glass-shattering screaming right now, but look at the clock ... i gotta go, people are waiting on me!

Needless to say it was a terrible experience. It took us about 3mo to realize we were much better leaving our issues OFF the table, and just not going to this therapist. 

My question is; lets say this therapist sucked. How would another therapist have been any different? 

The issues still have to come out, the session is still just an hour, we still have to drive home together after opening all our wounds. 

So tell me, how are other counselors different?


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## Unhappy2011

Actually, you didn't really state anything that the counselor did that made him the problem.

Nor did I get the sense of what your wife was doing that was the problem either.

But you portray yourself as self-centered and insensitive. 

And you seem to be blaming the counseling session for causing a fight right before you wanted to ditch your SO to go out clubbing by yourself.

Let me ask, have you cheated on this woman?


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## tacoma

I don't see that your therapist sucked.

I see that you chose the worst possible night as your night out.

How is that the therapists fault?

Disclaimer: I'm usually anti-therapy but don't see how you can pin your troubles on the therapist in this case
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## OnraSR

Topic of my thread "counseling sucked! worst decision ever"

and i went on to describe my experience. When i did this in another thread, they quickly said "bad therapist"

The reason im posting this thread is that my wife and I are having issues and it would be great if we could get some help, but if it would be anything like our past experience, it would be the end of us. 

So i didnt mean to say the therapist sucked, what i meant to say was "now i know you might say the therapist sucked ..."

With all that said, can i really be the only couple who had a war once a week upon leaving a session? How can we avoid this going into a new therapist? 

should we interview them? ask for opinions or research some how?


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## OnraSR

Unhappy2011 said:


> But you portray yourself as self-centered and insensitive.


Cant exactly deny that, at the moment anyway. Which is why id like to get some help before i lose my marriage and daughter. 

Im new around here, i didn't realize the forum was so judging.


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## Unhappy2011

^^Not trying to be judgemental. Everyone here has issues.

But it is good to own up to who you are and how you contribute to a problematic relationship. Not saying one is guilty and the other is innocent. Or one is right and the other is wrong. It's best to get out of that mindset.

It takes two to tango.


Instead of expensive counseling, just divulge on this place.

No reason to hide anything on here. As I always say, the truth shall set you free.


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## tacoma

OnraSR said:


> Topic of my thread "counseling sucked! worst decision ever"
> 
> and i went on to describe my experience. When i did this in another thread, they quickly said "bad therapist"
> 
> The reason im posting this thread is that my wife and I are having issues and it would be great if we could get some help, but if it would be anything like our past experience, it would be the end of us.
> 
> So i didnt mean to say the therapist sucked, what i meant to say was "now i know you might say the therapist sucked ..."
> 
> With all that said, can i really be the only couple who had a war once a week upon leaving a session? How can we avoid this going into a new therapist?
> 
> should we interview them? ask for opinions or research some how?


Ok sorry I misunderstood.

I`ve never been to counseling but can imagine that a lot of "truth" comes out that maybe is often better left unsaid.


I figure that would cause a buttload of arguing/fighting after each session.


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## Blanca

OnraSR said:


> So we would go there and by the time he said "ok well that's it, see you guys next Friday" we were screaming, pointing, blaming, accusing, sweating, swearing, etc.


LOL...yup that's pretty much how it goes. When you get into your counseling session you're only there long enough to open up, and right as you start to really get to the issue, the session is over. You've opened up all the wounds and are then left to your own destructive behaviors. I do not think MC is ideal in any situation. The only time I would consider marriage counseling is if my H and I had some very minor issue. But then, of course, we wouldnt need counseling.


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## PBear

Right. Because keeping things buried inside and not talking about them is SO much more productive...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blanca

OnraSR said:


> With all that said, can i really be the only couple who had a war once a week upon leaving a session? How can we avoid this going into a new therapist?
> 
> should we interview them? ask for opinions or research some how?


If you are dead-set on marriage counseling then IMO you cannot avoid this. I cant think of anything more complicated then two people with years of built up resentment trying to get a third person to solve their problems in a half hour session. 

The only thing that stopped the fighting and hostility in my marriage was for each of us to take responsibility for our own dysfunctional contribution- and to do that separately through individual counseling. We both had so much resentment and hostility towards each other that nothing good ever came from trying to talk about it. I swore off talking about the relationship until I felt good about myself again. And I do not talk to my H unless I feel calm. If i feel anger towards him I wait until I dont feel it anymore. Even if we're in the middle of a conversation; i'll cut it short if i start feeling a lot of negativity. I deal with what is mine (resentment, anger, insecurity, etc) and only approach him when i feel like I can respect him as a person separate from my needs. Its worked very well so far.


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## that_girl

You shouldn't have gotten married until you matured a little bit.

Partying every night? Having one night to party? Holy crap. Choosing people who are "waiting" over our wife? Dang.

It's all about being judging. You gotta judge yourself first and then you'll see that others perception of you isn't judgmental, it's just what they see. 

Your therapist wasn't the problem. The way you and your wife communicate is the problem. Your wife not feeling respected is the problem. 

Why did you get married if you wanted to be a party boy?


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## tacoma

PBear said:


> Right. Because keeping things buried inside and not talking about them is SO much more productive...
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Can`t be any more harmful than inviting and paying a complete stranger with no dog in the hunt to put unfounded influence on your most important intimate personal relationship during it`s weakest most vulnerable moments.

Never sounded like a good idea to me.

But people don`t need a counselor to open up and from the stories I`ve heard it`s usually less impersonal and brutal than marital counseling.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

Whoa! You have your priorities mixed up! Your wife comes first before clubbing! It doesn't sound like your ready to be married at this point. 

My husband always puts me first! He gets his free time twice a week swimming, but he makes sure I'm feeling okay first. If I ask him to stay home and help me, he will without any issue. He leaves at 7:30pm and is home by 9:00pm. Both my husband and I put our marriage at the very top of our list! We make sure both our needs our met before we do our seperate things. I can fully understand your wife's consern, you are only thinking of yourself. You could of put your clubbing night the next night. 

Going out every night is excessive, even at a young age. It's also expensive if your buying drinks and paying a cover charge. I'm sure she has suspicions of you flirting with other women(just taking a guess). When I was single, I had married men hitting on me all the time. I couldn't believe it. I never excepted their advances. People go out to the club to meet other people of the opposite sex. I'm not implying anything, but she might think that.

Good luck with your marriage. I doubt it's the therapist that has issues. You need to put your wife first.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## OnraSR

that_girl said:


> You shouldn't have gotten married until you matured a little bit.
> 
> Partying every night? Having one night to party? Holy crap. Choosing people who are "waiting" over our wife? Dang.
> 
> It's all about being judging. You gotta judge yourself first and then you'll see that others perception of you isn't judgmental, it's just what they see.
> 
> Your therapist wasn't the problem. The way you and your wife communicate is the problem. Your wife not feeling respected is the problem.
> 
> Why did you get married if you wanted to be a party boy?


This was all 10+ years prior to us getting married. We are together 17yrs or so, married for 3.5 now


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## that_girl

So y'all have been fighting about this for 15 years?

Lame.

How are you now? I don't understand your posting. What is your point?

My therapist is awesome  But we don't do marriage counseling.


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## Mtts

Ya this is confusing. It seems as if this was ongoing. Even one night out clubbing seems troublesome for a healthy marriage. 

If this is all stuff that's 10-15 years old, you guys got problems beyond clubbing my man...


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## diwali123

IMHO a good therapist would not tolerate the screaming and blaming. If you guys couldn't follow the MC's directions while in session that is probably something you each need to work on separately. If MC just sat there and let you have it out, they were a hack.
MC can be really difficult and I had a day last time when I was so mad at him and the MC and threw a tantrum later. There are some things it is so hard to hear.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## moco82

that_girl said:


> Why did you get married if you wanted to be a party boy?


Party boys shouldn't get married. Married boys get other married boys together on designated semi-quarterly nights in their basement bars to watch NFL and eliminate the need for counseling; adjourning before midnight.


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## missymrs80

OnraSR said:


> Topic of my thread "counseling sucked! worst decision ever"
> 
> and i went on to describe my experience. When i did this in another thread, they quickly said "bad therapist"
> 
> The reason im posting this thread is that my wife and I are having issues and it would be great if we could get some help, but if it would be anything like our past experience, it would be the end of us.
> 
> So i didnt mean to say the therapist sucked, what i meant to say was "now i know you might say the therapist sucked ..."
> 
> With all that said, can i really be the only couple who had a war once a week upon leaving a session? How can we avoid this going into a new therapist?
> 
> should we interview them? ask for opinions or research some how?


Therapy will never work if you go into it thinking that the therapist will do all the work.


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## Complexities

The therapist can only get you so far, you need to continue the discussions with eachother after and often to resolve things.


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## Shaggy

What I read was that you didn't like therapy because working on your marriage got in the way of you going out and partying.

Gee, I can't imagine why you were having marriage problems.


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## Corpuswife

I am assuming that your party days are over...after 10 years. 

I would suggest MC again. Find yourself a good recommended therapist and go for it! But.......only go for it, if you are both willing to put the time, work, and effort into the sessions/homework.

Good luck!


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## SomeDamagedGoods

tacoma said:


> Disclaimer: I'm usually anti-therapy but don't see how you can pin your troubles on the therapist in this case


Out of curiosity, why are you anti therapy? I'm not for or against (or a therapist) I just want to know the rationale. I've been giving thought to going to a counselor myself.


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## bobby5

I am due to go to first counseling session next week with my ex. We have 2 kids and i love this woman. Counselor will be told i love her and want to move back with her and my kids. She will explain that she knows the boys lives will be better with me in them but she doesnt have any feelings romantically for me. I am scared the counsellor will tell us sorry nothing can be done. stay seperated. Then my ex (who said she would like counseling to work) is off the hook so to speak and all my work to get her there is for nada. What possible options can a counselor offer us besides no hope. any suggestions i can make?
Thanks


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