# The Illusion and Euphoria



## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

I have been on Tam a very short time. Some of the threads I have read
and posted on I have seen and experienced over many years. Infidelity,is one
I have helped ( I hope ) friends and family with. Many people I have known
had great stable and loving families and I often wonder why they would destroy
that. Life and love can be hard at times, they both have there ups and downs.
I believe that if you are in a unhappy relationship then try and fix it or divorce.

Once exposed and confronted cheaters will blame their spouse. But often their
they never complained about anything before. Cheaters are very selfish and like 
to have the best of both worlds. Their stable loving family and the guilty pleasure
( Euphoria ) of their affair. To often it seems that two married individuals are involved
Destroying not one but two families !! 

Who do cheaters really cheat ? They spend time hiding their deception and lies.
Do they miss time with their children ? How much did they really miss out on ?

How important is exposure and confronting them ? Does the affair end once they 
realize what they may lose ? Their illusion shattered !! Does exposure help the 
betrayed ? " I am not really imagining things after all "

Do cheaters lie to each other ? " Our marriage has been over for some time "
If it wasn't for the kids and things I would tell them" if they are always talking
about someone else, do they really care about you after all ?

If they decide to pursue a relationship with their AP will it last ?
Do you know of any that did ? 

Are they truly happier now than before or just in a different relationship
with the same self issues ? 

When children grow up how will cheating affect them ? Will they 
care more about the faithful parent remembering how they were 
hurt?


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## SuburbanDad (Jul 31, 2018)

Who do cheaters really cheat ? Because they are soulless 

They spend time hiding their deception and lies. A lot of it, and don't you dare snoop or question them Sarcasm


Do they miss time with their children ? Not at all, at least not in my case


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

SuburbanDad said:


> Who do cheaters really cheat ? Because they are soulless
> 
> They spend time hiding their deception and lies. A lot of it, and don't you dare snoop or question them Sarcasm
> 
> ...


I do agree with you in part about being soulless. 
They do become defensive when questioned about their lies.
Sometimes they tell so many.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

I got the "we are just friends" and "it's not a date - just two friends out for dinner together". Out to dinner while I watched the kids while she was going out the door for dinner with the guy from her gym.

I told her if it is just you and him, then it is a date and as long as you are my wife there will be no dates with other men. I also told her if she really wants to go it is up to her. She did not go.

I am looking at the "miss time with children" question. Would she miss time, as in not be there, - then absolutely yes. Would she feel guilty about spending time away from them - probably not.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Relationships that begin with one of both cheating rarely last. 
Lies come easily. Most will tell their spouses one thing and their affair partner another. They will do whatever they can to blame everyone else. They will deny and deceived with impunity. 

Like you I have no idea why anyone would risk blowing their families lives apart for a person who thinks nothing of cheating with someone else's spouse. Why may also be married themselves. They are selfish and immature. They have no integrity.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

sa58 said:


> Do cheaters lie to each other ?
> 
> If they decide to pursue a relationship with their AP will it last ?
> Do you know of any that did ?
> ...


In general of course they lie to each other. Affairland is typically a Lil fantasy world where hormones tend to rule. Your not going to have disagreements or fights, they tend to be very one dimensional relationships. If all your trying to do is have sex you'll agree or tell the other party just about anything they want to hear to accomplish the goal. 

Many aren't any happier in a new relationship once the feel good hormones tend to wear off and the relationship becomes an actual relationship. 

I only know one couple that stayed together that was born from an affair and neither are "happy" and at this stage probably feel they are more stuck with each other. They both are paranoid the other will cheat and they are both convinced that everyone wants to steal their spouse, it's ridiculous. They don't go anywhere alone any longer. The guy used to hunt with us and the last time he went with us a couple years ago she showed up in the middle of a swamp checking up on him to make sure he was really hunting and not chasing some hottie in a bar. He follows her around too to make sure she's not seeing someone. The whole thing is just silly. 

They pretty much only have each other now as they have driven friends and family away over the years with the mutual paranoia the two have about cheating on each other.


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## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

I did ask if "Once a cheater always a Cheater " was true and a lot of us on here said NO. I think it is true. Cheaters always cheat no matter what they get or not get at home. 

Men cheat so freely that they do not make a big attempt to cover their tracks. 
Women seem to make elaborate plans to cover their tracks. 

The rate of cheating in men and women is most probably the same, but the rate of being found out is possibly more for men than for women.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

sa58 said:


> I have been on Tam a very short time. Some of the threads I have read
> and posted on I have seen and experienced over many years. Infidelity,is one
> I have helped ( I hope ) friends and family with. Many people I have known
> had great stable and loving families and I often wonder why they would destroy
> ...


Most of them are like a different species. It's not worth trying to figure them out. It's more like the walking dead, once they are turned better to leave them be, not try to understand them.

One thing for sure it has nothing to do with love. When you love someone you want to share that with the world, be with them all the time, not hide them in a closet and sneak around giving BS in parking lots.

I have done a lot of reading and I think it's very rare when someone who has a stable moral compass cheats. It's more like they have been holding themselves together for a long time and they don't feel like doing that anymore. They are playing at marriage. Lot's of times that's for kids or appearances. 

Everyone is tempted every once and a while. It's possible to have chemistry with lots of people. The think that really works from keeping people from not cheating is not love, or appearances is only that it's wrong. Meaning they care more about doing the right thing then cheating. It really only comes down to character.


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

Thank you for your responses.

My post is titled the Illusion and Euphoria because that is what they are living.
Part of the Illusion is that they will not get caught. The Euphoria is sneaking, lying
and the thrill or something. Guilty pleasure but in reality I think it is some weakness
deep within themselves. That is one of the main reasons why affair relationships fail.
They are built on lies and cheating but once they become the only relationship
everything starts again. The thought of if they did it with me will they do it to 
me I think is real. 80-90 percent failure rate, the ones that stay are miserable.

I am not trying to figure out why they do it. I feel no pity for someone who
believes they can risk someones emotional and physical health. No pity for 
someone who hurts so many people who really love them. I have often told
people who I have seen go through this that " They are really hurting themselves
and you may be better without them anyway " Many hurt but often see that 
sooner than later.

The people who really love them and care often notice changes in them quickly and
sadly sometimes their own children. I think when their children become adults they do
remember this. The cheater is only cheating themselves in reality. Maybe the children
are more mature than the cheaters themselves.

They do lie to each other and themselves. If someone is dating and the person they are 
seeing talks about someone else ( maybe and ex ) then that should be a big red flag. 
If you stayed with that person then your relationship is not about love and caring just 
sex for the both of you. No long term foundation for anything but lies and cheating. 

I had a friend who just like a recent thread started a lesbian affair. Her husband of 20 years found out.
Their marriage ended badly, and her own adult children rarely speak to her even now. Since she was a long 
time friend she told me it was the biggest mistake she ever made. I think she was very lonely and was missing 
her family and former life. I do think cheaters regret cheating but they will never admit it, admitting guilt is not
something they do. Another weakness !!

I have no pity or anything for the cheaters only the betrayed. When reality hits them either through exposure
and confronting them or after a divorce then they cry, beg, and plead. Not much comfort for the betrayed however.

Thank you again for your responses and keep supporting and helping the betrayed who come here.
After all the person who they thought they could trust is not really there. Maybe never was


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

We all look for answers to those questions for a while. Then we hopefully start working on ourselves until we no longer think that way. 
Suffering is the human condition, and makes us better people because of it. I felt a lot like you do in the beginning.


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

StillSearching said:


> We all look for answers to those questions for a while. Then we hopefully start working on ourselves until we no longer think that way.
> Suffering is the human condition, and makes us better people because of it. I felt a lot like you do in the beginning.



I gave up a long time ago questioning peoples actions stupid or otherwise.
I no longer concern myself with them. Even the betrayed person will heal
and become stronger, the cheater not so much. Karma sucks sometimes

I am mostly concerned for the children in these types of situations. 
Split homes and families or worse never or rarely getting to see a parent.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

sa58 said:


> Thank you for your responses.
> 
> My post is titled the Illusion and Euphoria because that is what they are living.
> Part of the Illusion is that they will not get caught. The Euphoria is sneaking, lying
> ...


Personally I don't think MOST cheaters have the depth to regret cheating. They regret that it didn't work out the way they wanted. I think lots of people make the mistake of assuming people think the same way they do. When it comes to people who cheat I think that is a mistake. Once you get to the point where you cheat, your thinking is lost. 

What you wrote may all be true but I think it discounts the fact that they make hundreds of decisions that they know are wrong and would destroy the person they swore to protect. My point is they are not under a spell, yes what they are doing feels good but they still choose feeling good over protecting their spouse/family, even from the worst part of themselves. How many things could we do that would make us feel good but we don't because it's wrong. This is no different. 

The reason why "some" of them suffer in the aftermath, is mostly because they willfully destroy lives, but the lives they care about mostly is their own.

In your example you friend is sad because she is lonely not for the pain and suffering she caused others. This is a perfect example of how they think and how they can do it. It's also a good example of the difference between regret an remorse. They are the center of their own universe all others be damned. It's wise to be weary of them.


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