# 180/Maning Up...any back fires?



## mentallydrained (Oct 7, 2010)

I have only skimmed some of the 180 techniques, and very very slight on the maning up stuff. 

I'm curious as to if anyone found by doing these things it drove the other spouse farther away or they detached even more? I'm not referring to utilizing these due to infidelity. I mean in general?

Basically, if your marriage has suffered due to other issues (excluding infidelity) and you 'backed off' with the things you use to do for her due to allowing her/him 'space' or whatever the reason, did it ever make it worse?

If these tactics are used with no positive results, do you think that's a big sign that it is over? Time to move on with our lives?

Sorry if my ramblings make absolutly no sense.


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## bill2011 (Feb 5, 2011)

From my experience isn't had made anything worse than it already was. Will it end the marriage - maybee but if that is the case then there's nothing left to save. More importantly I will be ready for whatever the outcome is


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Interesting questions. I used Dobson's Love Must be Tough. At the time I felt his tactics were too radical for our situation and used what I called LMBT-Lite. I no longer doted on my retreating wife but was there for her when she needed. I reclaimed my confidence and took control of myself and my demeanor. I showed her I was willing to go to the mat for the marriage but if it didn't work out, I'd walk away OK and knowing I didn't leave anything in the tank. With a little time she drew back to me, later latching on to my confidence that we'd get through this OK. We managed to rebuild the foundations of the marriage but the recurring EA turned out to be the final hurdle to get over. LMBT gave me the confidence to force the issue and tell her it had to end or I'd walk away from the marriage. She chose to end it and in time the marriage rebounded to a very happy one. The concept of LMBT, 180 or manning up can have a dramatic roll in the recovery of a marriage but all situations are different and in some it could back fire. If I had pushed too hard early on, I'm sure I'd have ended up with a face full of soot.


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## NightEagle1981 (Feb 18, 2011)

I tried the 180 and it backfired major. I may be going through a divorce. I tried manning up. Cleaning the house, thinking of spouse more etc. I drove her farther away and I'm sure now to the point of no return.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

NightEagle1981 said:


> I tried the 180 and it backfired major. I may be going through a divorce. I tried manning up. Cleaning the house, thinking of spouse more etc. I drove her farther away and I'm sure now to the point of no return.



Like any strategy in recovering a marriage, there is no one size fits all solution. It needs to be tailored to the situation. LMBT was just one of the tools I used. I tried others and some worked some didn't. In some instances I would think the 180 or LMBT would be the exact thing you shouldn't do. It is situation dependent and only the people closest to it can really judge if it will be effective or not. 

OBTW, in Dobson's book he sites and analyzes male and female uses of LMBT. It can be effective both ways. Not an exclusive solution for just men.

Eagle, sorry to here it wasn't the right solution for you.


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## Wrench (Mar 21, 2011)

I guess it's how you define "worked". I was getting no communication, just a brick wall telling me it's over and she needs her space. It was too late to do anything about it.

It took a week of the 180 before she would even consider saying there was any chance of working through things (which she took back the next morning).

And another week before we could talk normally, and I still have to follow the 180 rules to keep it civil.

Be patient, and like Bill said if it doesn't get you results your marriage was really over but you will feel stronger about your future without her.


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## mentallydrained (Oct 7, 2010)

Thanks for the input. I guess I'd like to hear from some who it was 'done' to and there thoughts? Like....were you resentful in what he/she was doing to you or did you really even know? 
Maybe you didn't realize that is what was being done until you have come here?

IF you resented it more, or detached and distanced more, do you feel that was a sure sign you were beyond return? Completely, mentally checked out?

And...how do you know, when you do these things in hope it works...things aren't just habit? Example: If physical touch was/is an issue....and you start backing off in hopes the other will miss it and start initiating, wether it be kiss, hug, what ever. Aren't some of those things just habits after so long? I know they should have more of a habitual meaning...but....I don't know.

Example: for 18yrs we have been together every day when I get home from work, it's always a smooch and how was your day. Well, it seems to be just a habit. Like...putting your socks on. Don't you always start with left or right each time? It's the same each time, right? Am I making any sense?

_*bill2011



From my experience isn't had made anything worse than it already was. Will it end the marriage - maybee but if that is the case then there's nothing left to save. More importantly I will be ready for whatever the outcome is

Click to expand...

*_Okay, so it hasn't made it worse. But sounds like nothing has changed for better either? Kinda just stagnant? So, is that really okay? Isn't the idea to get things to be better? Working in your favor, or not so much your favor but to a likeing for both in happiness again?

If keeping it stagnant, why continue? It makes sense that you would be ready or at least more prepared for outcome.


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## bill2011 (Feb 5, 2011)

The goal is not to remain stagnant, the focus is to do something to get the other person to respond. Now if they don't then a decission needs to be made.


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## NightEagle1981 (Feb 18, 2011)

How can I keep the 180 going through this tough time I'm hoping that my wife will see that I don't need her and maybe she will come around


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