# My Ex Fiance and our "friend"



## Soveryalone (Jul 19, 2013)

Her and I met online 13 years ago. We talked online and then on the phone for about 10 months we both fell very hard for each other before ever meeting in person it honestly felt like our souls merged into one, then we decided I should go visit her. Got in my car and headed south 1000 miles away, the visit lasted 12 years. We both made many mistakes during the relationship , we both have traumatic pasts and the issues effected us. the last few years it seemed like we slowly drifted apart. We sort of just were comfortable with each other and didn't know how to let go. But that doesn't change the hurt. 

We spent a lot of years together, she spent her entire 20's with me, from 19- 31. But as we were just going through the motions I suggested we try therapy. I didn't want to give up on her and I honestly just felt like what we were experiencing was a normal part of a long term relationship. I just felt like no matter what we would work through any issues and remain together. Our sex life essentially stopped, the last year we might have been together sexually 5 times at most. I think back and wonder why I didn't just walk away then. But again I was in the fog, and when you are in it, its tough to really make sound decisions. 

This is where the story changes drastically. about 2 1/2 to 3 months ago things changed. We met on America online in a chatroom, and we made a bunch of friends. a while back she started a Facebook page for people who were part of that chatroom. She exchanged phone numbers with a few people, a male friend , more so a friend of mine , but she knew him as well. So that's when it started, I think? But about 2 1/2 months ago they started talking on Facebook in public, and then in private messages , and he was talking with me as well , and I confided in him how it felt like her and I were really struggling badly , and he then went all out , talking to her nonstop, flirting with her, telling her everything she wanted to hear , and that's when the lying started, she would have secret calls, and always deleting her texts , and then she was talking with him on facebook messages and one time I asked her what she was talking about and she freaked out and deleted the whole convo. And this sent my mind spinning. all the lies kept going and each second my anxiety level went higher and higher , ( I have General anxiety disorder and a few other issues) and she knew it, they both knew how badly I was suffering , and it was as if I was witnessing our souls separate, I was literally watching her , the woman I loved fall in love with someone else , right in front of my eyes. 

I could not take it any longer and I told her I needed to leave. I think they both thought if they kept talking I would leave, and she deserves to be happy , just like I do, so I gave her her space , I went back up north 1000 miles away to stay with family. 3 weeks later she went to visit him for the weekend. I know this story might not be as extreme as others , but I am not in a world of pain and anguish I cant even begin to explain. They are dating now, she has visited him twice and he visited her at least once. I still have some clothing there and her and I have emailed , but I am so very terrified of thinking that I am never going to talk to her ever again I am afraid to have the stuff sent to me because I am afraid of what it will feel like. I gave her her space , I backed off 100% after I left. I did mess up a few times though once on my birthday, I had a few beers , maybe more than a few and I started calling her and she answered and she was with him, she put him on the phone, then she said " J , if you call me one more time you are going to hear him F-ing me" and those words haunt me to this day , its been over a month since she said those words , but it still crushes me , and breaks my heart over and over again. I feel like the woman I was going to marry , the woman I spent 12 years of my life with , is gone , I feel like she died to be honest , because the person she is now , I don't recognize at all. 

I am living day by day, barely , but the pain an anguish get very intense at times. Sleep is extremely difficult , I lost touch with family and friends and I really need to start building a new life , a new group of friends. I am in a brand new , very small quiet town and I don't know many people here, and I have tried to go out and meet people , but I always find myself coming back online, talking on forums , trying to help others, sharing my story with people. So anyways I am 37 years old and I feel like I have had enough pain in my life for 1000000 lifetimes. anyways sorry for the long post , thanks for reading.:scratchhead:


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

Brother, so sorry you are here. The first thing you need to do is to work on yourself and your health. Get outside. Exercise. Go to the gym. Ge angry. Use your energy.

It's over and you can move on. I know how much it hurts. Use the pain to do yourself some good. Let it motivate you and work on you.


... and learn how to create paragraphs  Don't forget to laugh!


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## Burned (Jul 13, 2013)

I'm very sorry for your pain.


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## LoveAtDaisys (Jul 3, 2013)

I'm so sorry. This "friend" doesn't sound like a friend at all - he heard you two were having trouble and swooped in to take your fiancee, and she went along with it. And that phone call? That was immature and hurtful of her, and not the actions of a woman who loved or respected you. I almost wonder if IC would not be a bad idea in the short term, to help with coming to terms with that hurtful statement.

You're in a new place. Great! You can start over now. Cut your losses - you still have some clothes at her place, call them lost causes. Clothing can be replaced, but your mental well-being can't, and worrying about your stuff and how to get it back isn't going to be good for you in the long run.

I know when I was new to my current home, I turned to volunteer work; not only was it getting me out of my house and my funk, but it offered a distraction and the opportunity to meet new people and make new friends. You could try that - I know animal shelters always need people to help with walking/caring for the animals, for example.

She hurt you. Grieve for the relationship, but don't let it define you. You're stronger than that.


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## BK23 (Apr 17, 2013)

That is awful man. I hope she and your "friend" get what's coming to them. 

It's a good thing that you've got some distance. Just focus on you, and the pain will fade. It takes some time, but this will get better. Right now work to put yourself in the best possible position for when the pain abates.

If you put in the effort, a few years from now, you'll be in a better place, you'll have a better woman (or women), and your trashy ex will look to you with envy and regret.


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## Soveryalone (Jul 19, 2013)

haha yea sorry I didn't intend for it to be that long , paragraphs would have helped


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## darklilly23 (May 26, 2013)

Hey sovery, 
Welcome to TAM sorry you are here, but you will find a lot of good people here.

Just remember there is no need to feel bad about yourself in anyway, the problem was hers and as much love as you had for her, her actions prove that she had a BAD character flaw, to say the least.
And that flaw is in no way yours to have to own...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

Do not go back for your clothes. Never speak to her again. Treat her as if she got hit by a car. 

Relationships fail and those we love sometimes betray us and go out of their way to hurt is. It's just life and unfortunately the universe got you in it's gunsights. Move on, take care of yourself and count yourself lucky you did not marry her. 

Why do I get the feeling she'll come crawling back in a year or so? Don't know why I just have a hunch. Anyway if she does, tell her to go pound sand. .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Soveryalone said:


> then she said " J , if you call me one more time you are going to hear him F-ing me"


What a complete *****!


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

Soveryalone said:


> then she said " J , if you call me one more time you are going to hear him F-ing me"


I just looked up the definition of sadistic. I saw her picture. She is ugly.


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## r0r0bin (Jul 13, 2013)

do not worry, cheating skank like her will have horrible accident also with her son of a w**re lover. Find other girls.


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## Soveryalone (Jul 19, 2013)

I been through plenty of pain in my life and what she said did hurt me to my soul, but what's so sick is I happy for her , I am glad she fell in love , if that's what it is. I am glad she has someone to talk to, to maybe make a life with. I am just terrified of how much pain is to come . I learned long ago that forgiveness was the only way to maintain sanity. I learned in my teens that if I was not able to forgive I would not survive. I have been nothing but a gentleman to her , after she told me they were together and she spent the weekend with him I called her to tell her how happy I was for her, and how I stayed well past the point I should have to make sure she had someone. I wished them both well, and then they separately talked to all of our friends and told them what I liar I was, and she proceeded to tell them all lie after lie to make sure they would stop talking to me and you know what , they did... 

What's done is done. She has made is very clear that she wants me to suffer, and maybe part of that is the fact that I actually made the choice to walk away. anyways thanks for the replies


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

You were with her as soul mates for 12 years. What was the reason for not getting married? Did she keep putting it off? What about kids? Ever talk about it?


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## Soveryalone (Jul 19, 2013)

It felt that way for me , felt like she was the one I was meant to be with for life , but I guess on some level after we got engaged , we both knew it may not end up in marriage which may be confusing I know, I guess I felt like she was " my soulmate" at the beginning and maybe I was hers as well , but I guess we just started drifting so very far apart . We talked about having kids ALOT early on and as the relationship evolved and changed I suppose I talked about it more , looking back I guess there were many many signs that this was over well before it was " over" I am not really sure about whether she was putting off getting married, it was just one of those things , we got engaged when we had the money , and agreed to have a long engagement we weren't in a hurry to get married. and then days became weeks , and weeks became months , and so on and so on.


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## scatty (Mar 15, 2013)

They sound like they like to create teenage drama. They certainly deserve each other. Never talk to either EVER again! Things can be replaced, but you want to keep your dignity forever. You are the better person. Start working on YOU!


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## daggeredheart (Feb 21, 2012)

*** Ouch**** I think that is one of the most heinous things I've ever heard on this message board. No one should have to be subjected to that. Only thing worse would be walking in on it. 

You dodge a bullet....... do like they said...."she is dead"..... no texting, no calling, no stalking on the net......she is gone. She doesn't deserve to know anything about you either. 

Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
And even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time

Better in Time by Leona Lewis. 


That one line...."it's gonna hurt when it heals too".... so so so true because you will heal even though that feels like a million miles away.


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

Don't ever talk to her again. Anybody capable of that kind of cruelty does not deserve you. You did nothing wrong. Stay where you are, quit looking on her Facebook, consider her deceased.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Soveryalone said:


> *The last few years it seemed like we slowly drifted apart.
> 
> *We sort of just were comfortable with each other and didn't know how to let go.
> 
> ...


Sort of reminds me of a student who missed an exam. The reason she gave was the day before, the oil light in her car came on, than the temperature light, than smoke bellowed from under the car at a stop light but she managed to get home. On her way to class the next day the engine blew. 
You just have to pay attention to those warnings.

I want to also say that 12 years is a long time to "date" the woman you claim you wanted to marry ( since both of you are the marrying age) It sounds like one or both of you were dragging your feet. What was the reason?


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## Soveryalone (Jul 19, 2013)

well hindsight is 20/20 yes ? and this was my second serious relationship, and her first, so maybe what we thought was love was something else? I don't know it surely felt like we loved one another the first 8-9 years? , so the reason we didn't get married ? I really cant answer that , I guess she just realized a while back I wasn't the one she wanted to be with for life ? that's the second time someone has asked me that , frankly I am glad as hell we never did get married at this point  and Yes I know I missed plenty of warning signs , and I really feel foolish and stupid, but when you are in it, its not as easy to see or , maybe not see , but its not as easy to accept. :scratchhead: so to answer your question , I guess I am not sure , I cant speak for her and I guess when I really think about it, marrying her would have been a really horrible decision.


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

Soveryalone said:


> .... I learned long ago that forgiveness was the only way to maintain sanity. I learned in my teens that if I was not able to forgive I would not survive.
> 
> I have been nothing but a gentleman to her , after she told me they were together and she spent the weekend with him I called her to tell her how happy I was for her, ....She has made is very clear that she wants me to suffer, ....


See where being Mr Nice guy gets you?

You gotta stop that chit. People who betray you and never ask for forgiveness do not deserve to be forgiven. You have to remove them from your life, and move on from their crap.

It's really no wonder you have anxiety...anyone that goes through this garbage does. Still, you can't keep behaving in ways that allows or even encourages others to abuse and hurt you.

If you know she wants you to suffer and is trying to hurt you, it's not normal to be happy for her...you should be fawkin pissed angry at her and the POS "friend". 

Keep these people out of your life. Exercise every day and eat right. Focus on your own goals and career and stand up for yourself. This will make you feel better and help you attract the right kind of mate, someone who respects you and would never do this to you.

By being a doormat, you only attract people who walk all over you. What has transpired in your life validates this. Learn from this and grow.

You're gonna get through this.


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

Maybe she got tired of waiting for you to pull the trigger and marry her. Maybe thats why she started detaching from you a couple years ago. Now I'm not saying that gave her the right to cheat on you and treat you cruelly the way she did. She could have broken up with you clean and then gone out with the other guy. 

I see what she did to you as displaying her anger towards you for not marrying her. It was revenge for not following through. Maybe that's why she called you a liar? You promised to marry her but broke your promise?


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## Soveryalone (Jul 19, 2013)

I dunno , its all speculation at this point , and its honestly futile to even wonder about it. I don't know and am caring less and less about the why's and the what ifs to be honest. And Tulsy , trust me she wanted to get a reaction out of me, you should have heard her voice when I just casually told her how happy I was for her she stuttered and didn't really know how to react. Sure I was angry and I can understand being labeled as a mr nice guy , and I am fine with that , I dealt with the whole situation with class and dignity , they chose to be childish and classless. Karma is a ***** though and its creeping up on them now.


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

Keep up that attitude, but don't talk to her anymore.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Dude.

Go to the top menu bar.

Hit community

Hit member list.

Hit letter o

Look up omniferous

Read his thread. You are very much like him. Read to the end. It took a while but he began to get much better his last few posts. Wish he would come back and update again. Yes the road sucks bigtime. You will love again. It will take time.

Did she break up before going to the other guy?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Now, why on earth would she say something so cruel?

You are a gentleman, so you won't like this suggestion, but how about Cheaterville.com for the both of them?


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## Soveryalone (Jul 19, 2013)

Weightlifter, the last few days I was there with her it was very obvious to me she had changed drastically and was hiding things, lying, deleting texts and phone calls, but it was 3 weeks after I left after she ended it with me officially that she went to visit him and they became a couple. Still wish she never told me, I never asked, and I had stopped all contact with her. I will check out that thread you mentioned , thanks man. Good call on that thread weightlifter, I read all of it , did ring a lot of bells for me and its nice to read similar situations and see people improve and feel better.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

SVA

Go find a woman with as much class as you.

If you gave her a ring get it back.

Then get out of the virtual world and go meet a woman in the real world.

Never bother with either of them again.

And be forever grateful you never married her.

HM64


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## Soveryalone (Jul 19, 2013)

Right now sadly getting out into the real world is extremely difficult lol I live in a new town , a very small town and don't have a vehicle.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Then start walking. The exercise will do you wonders and you never know who you will meet.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Soveryalone said:


> Right now sadly getting out into the real world is extremely difficult lol I live in a new town , a very small town and don't have a vehicle.


Stop making excuses and change your life. First, you can move to a BIG town. You moved 1,000 miles to be with her.

Second, you can get a vehicle somehow. If you work, save money, get a clunker, get a better job, buy a BETTER clunker, move, get a REAL car and a REAL woman.

Class isn't allowing people to wipe their feet on you. Feeling good at being abandoned and in such a callous way is not dignity. You need to get a real grip on your emotions because it sounds like you are in denial.

You are angry. You SHOULD be angry. You are pretending you aren't.

You are hurt. You SHOULD be hurt. Instead, you are feeding us this pap of 'oh...I'm SO happy that she's found TRUE LOVE.' Rubbish!

There are ways for a person to break up with another with class and dignity. She hasn't. Call a spade a spade.

Don't let this crap happen with the next relationship. Improve your fiscal and emotional life because the 40's are a SELLERS market for men...if you have anything to offer a woman. Make sure you do.

Girls like your ex who fiddled while Rome burned suddenly discover how many great guys they've thrown away...and they are alone with some cats. SOME of them might be worth having...if YOU are worth having.

Make sure that you are and you will have no problems.

Wipe the skank off your shoes, block all communications and stop lying to yourself. It doesn't make you look high minded. It makes you look weak.


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## Soveryalone (Jul 19, 2013)

JCD, everything you are saying is completely true and I appreciate the bluntness and directness however I am just doing my best here, and trying to make the best out of this situation. You mentioned I looked weak and When she called me to tell me she was with the other guy, how should I have reacted? Should I have screamed and yelled and told her how angry I was? Should I have cried and begged and told her how much she hurt me? I wasn't about to give her any satisfaction , so I wished her well told her to be happy and that was it. And I have felt extreme anger over these past few months , I just haven't felt the need to express it on TAM. maybe you are right maybe I am lying to myself, I go back and forth from one stage of grief to another, I am just trying to survive this , doing the best I can


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

Soveryalone, delete her phone, delete her email, throw out every photo you have of her. Any reminder of her, She threw you under the bus. Delete her from your life. Never ever reach out to her again. When she reaches out to you and she will just 2 words for her: Pick two, either Drop dead or F**k off. Get your life squared away, make yourself attractive and share your life with someone worthy.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

"Just a friend"

Oldest line in the book. We've all heard it here, on TAM. 

I'm sorry - nobody deserve to go through crap.


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## Soveryalone (Jul 19, 2013)

really struggling today, i guess its not best to handle this **** all by myself but oh well that's the hand i have been dealt, feeling completely disconnected from everyone , including my family and her family who was like my own for 12 years. this is really trippy , trying to get out there and meet people and stay active, exercising and all but wow, i guess i messed up big time because I honestly so feel so very alone at this point. and before anyone comments that i am looking for attention , honestly just wondering if anyone has been in this spot in the past or is there now?


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## BashfulB (Jul 1, 2013)

Soveryalone said:


> really struggling today, i guess its not best to handle this **** all by myself but oh well that's the hand i have been dealt, feeling completely disconnected from everyone , including my family and her family who was like my own for 12 years. this is really trippy , trying to get out there and meet people and stay active, exercising and all but wow, i guess i messed up big time because I honestly so feel so very alone at this point. and before anyone comments that i am looking for attention , honestly just wondering if anyone has been in this spot in the past or is there now?


I feel the same way you feel. You are not alone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Soveryalone said:


> really struggling today, i guess its not best to handle this **** all by myself but oh well that's the hand i have been dealt, feeling completely disconnected from everyone , including my family and her family who was like my own for 12 years. this is really trippy , trying to get out there and meet people and stay active, exercising and all but wow, i guess i messed up big time because I honestly so feel so very alone at this point. and before anyone comments that i am looking for attention , honestly just wondering if anyone has been in this spot in the past or is there now?


You aren't alone. We are here for you!

Been where you are, some years ago. My first LTR girl friend threw me over for a woman. I was broken-hearted for a long time.


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## southernsurf (Feb 22, 2013)

Soveryalone said:


> really struggling today, i guess its not best to handle this **** all by myself but oh well that's the hand i have been dealt, feeling completely disconnected from everyone , including my family and her family who was like my own for 12 years. this is really trippy , trying to get out there and meet people and stay active, exercising and all but wow, i guess i messed up big time because I honestly so feel so very alone at this point. and before anyone comments that i am looking for attention , honestly just wondering if anyone has been in this spot in the past or is there now?


Hang in there and do not talk to her. Only take comfort in knowing next month, next year you will feel better - as long as you detach and move on. One step one day at a time
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

What do you do jobwise?
Did you get the ring back? It was a contract btw.

Echoing above. Moveto a relatively low cost big place like charlotte or norther burbs of atlanta, nashville... Go to meetup.com and start doing stuff.


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## Soveryalone (Jul 19, 2013)

Jobwise I was working for a small nonprofit production company prior to leaving, and that's so funny you mention northern burbs of Atlanta , her and I lived in Norcross for 5 years ( northern burbs of ATL) so I am doing my best to find work here , but no luck yet


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

You get the ring back?

Of places to get a job. Vermont is not the best statistically.


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## Soveryalone (Jul 19, 2013)

I am afraid to ask her about the ring to be very honest


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## Soveryalone (Jul 19, 2013)

I am working on a plan though 1) first priority get working 2) keep staying active physically 3) finish my education , I am trying to make some plans to have for the future so I have something to think about other than all the bullshlt


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Sovery, what about getting sober and make it permanent? Real revovery.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Soveryalone said:


> I am afraid to ask her about the ring to be very honest


What is the issue? Okay...here is the bad sad news: she left you...and she's with someone else...with all that entails.

Okay...when you finish breathing into a bag, think about that for a minute. She's done everything to you that she can? If she follows through on her threat, all that is doing is destroying any sense of love and obligation you feel toward her and showing her classless nature.

So she's taken her best shot. There is nothing left to her.

So, here is what you do. You send a large envelope with this letter and a mailer.

"You broke the engagement. Send the ring back. I can spend the money on a new girlfriend. Please don't communicate with me further" Include a pre-addressed, postage paid INSURED mailer so all she needs to do is drop the ring in the mailer and the mailer in a mailbox. She has no excuses to not get it done.

Do it now. 

What you are afraid of is that it is a symbol of your entire last 12 years are truly over. Well...it is. Sorry. She doesn't say crap like that if she's thinking of keeping you on the hook.



Soveryalone said:


> I am working on a plan though 1) first priority get working 2) keep staying active physically 3) finish my education , I am trying to make some plans to have for the future so I have something to think about other than all the bullshlt


Here is the problem you are having: you spent twelve years not as (insert name here) but as Mr. Faithless Sl*t. You are no longer Mr. FS.

You need to remember who you are. You are the guy who does X hobby. You are the guy who has a REAL family...even if you dont' always get along with them. 

You are also the guy who drove 1000 miles to be with someone...and was worthwhile enough for 11 years to stay with her. (BTW...while a nice romantic gesture, it puts a lot of pressure on a gal...don't invest so much on a girl next time without some reciprocation)

And you are a guy who believes passionately enough in X cause to give up...well...success 

Here is an idea for you...capitalism is not a dirty word. How about 'selling out' getting a job which pays you a sh*t-ton of money and BUYING a thousand elephants or whatever?










Just a thought. Because it is perfectly valid for a woman to worry about her future resource wise without being 'a gold digger'.

So remove that impediment from your future relationships.

Again, just a suggestion.


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## Soveryalone (Jul 19, 2013)

I fully intended my trip to first visit to her to be just that a visit... I tried to leave MANY times but she wouldn't let me go... and JCD I do appreciate your bluntness I have mentioned this once before but please calm down a bit with all the agro ? You don't like me , you think I am weak, you think I am a doormat , that's awesome , you are entitled to your opinion , as we all are


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## Soveryalone (Jul 19, 2013)

And I tried to walk away countless times throughout the relationship , but she wouldn't let me go, and I wasn't about to leave unless I was 100%% she wanted me gone, 2.5 months ago I was 100%


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## Soveryalone (Jul 19, 2013)

Acabado I slipped up once a week after I left, once , so I have used once in 6 months now


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Soveryalone said:


> I fully intended my trip to first visit to her to be just that a visit... I tried to leave MANY times but she wouldn't let me go... and JCD I do appreciate your bluntness I have mentioned this once before but please calm down a bit with all the agro ? You don't like me , you think I am weak, you think I am a doormat , that's awesome , you are entitled to your opinion , as we all are


I think you are misunderstanding me.

Men tend to invest a lot of self identity into being a dad, a father, a provider etc. So much so that suicides of divorced men spike...much more than women (granted, women usually have custody of a child).

It is not healthy for a man to invest that much of their identity in such a relationship, particularly pre marriage.

And I think it was a grand and glorious gesture you did. It is in the best tradition of romantic gestures. I can also see how it would put a very palpable sense of obligation on a woman. Just seeing both sides.

I think you need to get through this fear. Fake it till you make it. I am trying to put what she did in perspective. She's got nothing left on you unless you give it to her.

If you find fulfillment in the non-profit, good. Be willing to understand the myriad consequences of that decision. You will limit your 'pull', if you understand what I mean.

My advice on the mailer is spot on, so if you want to dismiss the rest of it, please keep that. Why would you just give away hundreds or thousands of dollars on someone who reneged on her obligations?

And I am not saying you ARE a door mat or weak. I am saying that calling her a lot suggests weakness. That if you are Ben Stiller from 'There is Something About Mary' in the final clip, it isn't a good image to portray. I've been hurt that bad and with little warning. It doesn't feel good...but you get over it.

I support you with wretched badger love. It's like tough love, but lower to the ground.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Ask her for the ring..man...she should give it back...period..then pawn it and take a nice vacation


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## Soveryalone (Jul 19, 2013)

haha , nah man if I end up mentioning it to her and she decides to give it back I am buying a car...


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## Soveryalone (Jul 19, 2013)

i dunno what the big deal is about the ring , its probably gone already, she is cold as f_ck


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Soveryalone said:


> I am trying to decide what I want to do, i know this world we live in is filled with people who only care about one thing money / security , believe me i know this, people don't have a clue how to be happy without a penny in your pocket, and that makes me sad. But i understand what you are saying and i appreciate your follow up post. Women in their 30's don't want someone who makes 25 grand a year they want someone who makes 100k and up, because those are the guys who can provide the kind of life they feel they deserve. Honestly I am halfway to a business degree , but i was thinking about doing a double major when i went back IT/ finance , I have serious connects with several hedge funds and one of my very good friends has a degree IT/ finance and is making 300-400 K at 32 yrs old.
> 
> I know money doesn't buy happiness however its much easier smiling in a Porsche than it is on a bicycle , but true happiness comes from within ye of course i want to get my **** together and earn a good living , but its much more important to me to enjoy what i do, and do something that makes a difference in peoples lives , and yes i may very well sell out, but i also might keep working on my first book of poetry and try to get that sold..



Who the hell is talking about 300k? I am talking about a reasonable middle class existence with the annual vacation (not to Rome) and the prospect of being able to educate their kids. This is not an unreasonable expectation of your average woman.

This can't be done on 25k.

I am just clarifying my miscommunication. But if you want to sell out big, no one talks about all the Burn Unit Droids that Darth Vadar dedicated to the Empire...


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

I've been reading this thread and have been debating whether to jump in...I was in a similar situation..although I figured out she was cheating after it was over...she called me a month before her wedding..didn't admit she was getting married..then BEGGED me to remain friends..told me how great I was what a great boyfriend I was..my response ot her..*hit the bricks*..she was asking me why was I acting like this..I simply told her this is what I want...and it's about me now not her...then told her have a nice life and hung up the phone....it killed me..I thought about her for a long time...beat myself up over how things went..but I knew one thing despite how I was feeling..she had to go...I'm not Mr. Alpha-Male - far from it but sometimes you have to kick someones a** out of your life...


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

JCD said:


> Men tend to invest a lot of self identity into being a dad, a father, a provider etc. So much so that suicides of divorced men spike...much more than women (granted, women usually have custody of a child).
> 
> It is not healthy for a man to invest that much of their identity in such a relationship, particularly pre marriage.


Even post marriage. Marriages can fail. Many of us here have looked over the brink of that cliff. 

And I have found my marriage works better when I am a strong and independent person.



JCD said:


> If you find fulfillment in the non-profit, good. Be willing to understand the myriad consequences of that decision. You will limit your 'pull', if you understand what I mean.


You mean limit your pull only to women who want something other than money? And that is a problem because......?

There are other things besides the size of pay packet that can make a career appealing to women, if you really want to choose a career for the dating opportunities it will generate.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

Soveryalone said:


> Well hopefully I can end up making enough money to attract someone ? I know woman wanna have babies and those babies cost a ****load of money haha man the more I read what you say the more I am 10000000000000%% positive I am going to remain alone until I am making a certain amount of money and I cant really understand that. I mean my Ex is with someone who makes the same amount of money as she does.. they both make about 20-25 K a year he might make a little more , so why couldn't I find someone who made about that ?
> 
> I think there is something to say for loving someone for who they are and not how much money they make , and who they are trying to become and yes I am behind many people , but it doesn't mean I am out of the game.


I know you feel like crap right now. A lot of us have been there. I was very hard on myself after my wife's affair as well. Ridiculous.

Bottom line, it isn't you that cheated. One day your ex may realise, as mine does, what an absolutely appalling side of her personality this behaviour reveals.

Work on you, work on relationships, and you will get better. And don't sit alone until you have the right bank balance.....pick women who want you for you!


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## Soveryalone (Jul 19, 2013)

I spent a lot of time, years , devoted to helping my family and sacrificed my own "success" and would do it all over again in a heartbeat . I am extremely picky and no I don't want to settle and maybe I don't have the right to be picky, but I don't think its insane to think someone would love me for me , money or no money , someone who believes in me and the plans that I have or maybe not at this point after reading thread after thread here being single for life doesn't seem all that bad.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Soveryalone said:


> I spent a lot of time, years , devoted to helping my family and sacrificed my own "success" and would do it all over again in a heartbeat . I am extremely picky and no I don't want to settle and *maybe I don't have the right to be picky*, but I don't think its insane to think someone would love me for me , money or no money , someone who believes in me and the plans that I have or maybe not at this point after reading thread after thread here being single for life doesn't seem all that bad.


Yes you do..be picky enough to find the right lady for you...for your ex to tell you if you call again she would let you hear her fvcking him...way over the line bro..WAY over the line...disrespectful...:nono:


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## Soveryalone (Jul 19, 2013)

lol I am at the point now where I can laugh at that to be honest, she was trying to mindfck me and turn him on, oh well, **** happens


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## Soveryalone (Jul 19, 2013)

but I agree after 12 years doing the best I could , trying so very hard and always being faithful to her I agree it was a little intense


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Soveryalone said:


> lol I am at the point now where I can laugh at that to be honest, she was trying to mindfck me and turn him on, oh well, **** happens


anyone who would do that is heinous individual..sorry ...bad enough shes a cheater but shes a malicious cheater....


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Truthseeker1 said:


> anyone who would do that is heinous individual..sorry ...bad enough shes a cheater but shes a malicious cheater....


She/them also preventively badmouthed and demonized him to their whole circle of friends, isolating him from them for the near future.
She't not a nice person. And you are way better with her out your life.


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## Soveryalone (Jul 19, 2013)

yep , I am not sure exactly what was said by her to our friends, but one of my good friends said it was all a bunch of bullshlt and because I wasn't able to defend myself they figured might as well isolate me. That being said I have lost touch with all of them, I am sure if I really put some effort in I could get a call or an email, but if any of them were in the position I am in I would be the first to call them, be there for them in whatever way they needed. So I am literally starting life over, page one


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

There was a guy in high school that used to pick up on the girls I dumped/rejected. He'd literally make a move right after I broke up with them in order to catch them on the rebound. He was a loser. A complete loser. My rejects were the only way he'd get a girl.

The "friend" online is the same type of guy. I don't care what he's said about himself in chat, he's a loser. The best he can do is go after another guys girl when she is at her lowest. 

Just know that she has gained himself a loser, and he has gained a cheat. She will chew him up and spit him out. Right now they are in the new phase of a relationship. It will wear off, and it will be miserable for both of them.

I wouldn't ask for your stuff. I wouldn't give her the time of day. No talk, nothing. Stay as far away as you can. Stay no contact, and if she tries to call you let it go to voicemail. If she tries to email etc, don't reply. Live like she died, because the woman you loved is dead, and her twin is nothing you want in your life.

Expect some drunk dialing from her in a few months when she realizes what a raw deal she got for herself.


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## Soveryalone (Jul 19, 2013)

I am feeling a lot better with the idea of not asking for my things back, I don't want to speak to her ever again, I am pretty close to emailing the guy and in the biggest font possible say " enjoy my sloppy seconds"


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## Soveryalone (Jul 19, 2013)

And there is no chance she will ever contact me ever again


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

Soveryalone said:


> yep , I am not sure exactly what was said by her to our friends, but one of my good friends said it was all a bunch of bullshlt and because I wasn't able to defend myself they figured might as well isolate me. That being said I have lost touch with all of them, I am sure if I really put some effort in I could get a call or an email, but if any of them were in the position I am in I would be the first to call them, be there for them in whatever way they needed. So I am literally starting life over, page one


You don't need friends like this. Shake the dust off your sandals and walk away from them. Never speak to them again. You will make friends to replace them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

Soveryalone said:


> And there is no chance she will ever contact me ever again


Good. Cut it off clean and move on. Most importantly, take note of the mistakes you made and don't make them again. Now you know what a manipulative cheater is like. You should be able to spot one from a mile off and avoid them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Soveryalone (Jul 19, 2013)

I guess it cant hurt to send a few emails, maybe make a few phone calls to see if the few friends I have are still around. But I cant help but think they should be the ones reaching out to me. Same with my family , but that's a whole other story, I am sort of on the outs with much of my family as well. 

I feel like I did learn a lot about myself from this relationship, some things I know I need to change , I know I have a lot of work to do, but I also know there are things that I do like about myself. I learned a great deal about relationships , and even though her and I weren't married , I feel like it was pretty close ( except having the legal paperwork), I know exactly what it takes to make a relationship work, and I am very certain I know what type of woman I want. I just need to spend a few years on my own I think , getting myself together. and learning to be happy on my own prior to starting something new. ( this is the first time minus the year in between first and second relationship that I have been on my own/ single in 16 years)


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Soveryalone said:


> I am pretty close to emailing the guy and in the biggest font possible say " enjoy my sloppy seconds"


Don't do it. It makes you look like you're crying out in pain. It should be framed, only if he contact you, like,"I hope it works out for you. If not, be sure not to contact me."


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## Soveryalone (Jul 19, 2013)

Ye that's what I was thinking, hence my apprehension. Its really strange the more I think about never talking to her again the better I feel. I think I posted on this site a week or so ago about how much not talking to her hurt and how much anxiety it caused, but for some reason now the thought of never speaking to her again makes me feel at peace.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Soveryalone said:


> Ye that's what I was thinking, hence my apprehension. Its really strange the more I think about never talking to her again the better I feel. I think I posted on this site a week or so ago about how much not talking to her hurt and how much anxiety it caused, but for some reason now the thought of never speaking to her again makes me feel at peace.


Why? Because you now realise that she was less than you thought she could ever possibly be. Much less.

*Thank god you found out now, not several years and kids down the line.*


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## Soveryalone (Jul 19, 2013)

I am trying to figure out who just called me from Georgia , I don't know the number , its not in my phone and I know she changed hers
that's weird , I haven't gotten a call on my cell in weeks, I just realized something only 1 person has that number...


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Soveryalone said:


> I am trying to figure out who just called me from Georgia , I don't know the number , its not in my phone and I know she changed hers
> that's weird , I haven't gotten a call on my cell in weeks


Sales call?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Soveryalone (Jul 19, 2013)

not sure lol sadly my cell phone is not working properly , I can get calls/ texts but I cant hear people and they cant hear me, but no voicemail , no text message so I guess its not that important , It was just so strange to see a 678 ( GA) area code , only second time I have seen GA area code in 3 months haha


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## Soveryalone (Jul 19, 2013)

and mattmatt, you are 100000000000000000000000000000%% correct , much better to see her true colors now, before we actually did get married , get a house , have children , so very true indeed


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Soveryalone said:


> I am trying to figure out who just called me from Georgia , I don't know the number , its not in my phone and I know she changed hers
> that's weird , I haven't gotten a call on my cell in weeks, I just realized something only 1 person has that number...


Why did you give her that number? Sounds like it's time to change your number again.

If you must, send a mass email to your 'friends' with your new cell number and leave it at that. Those who feel remorse or change their minds about throwing you under the bus will then be able to contact you (though if you have their email already...they already can...)

I would remind you a little something from zoology. A group of chimps who is approached by a strange female will accept her into the tribe. 

They kill strange males. 

She was your entry into that set of friends. Now she's gone. Don't be surprised at what happened to you. You need to make a set of friends independent of female relationships.

Oh...and keep them away from your new female. Just in case.


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## Soveryalone (Jul 19, 2013)

haha JCD  this was a number I had for a while , to keep in touch with family ( when I was living in GA, and my fam in CT), I am sure its not her, but whomever it is has called several times now, and no voicemail, so it cant be all that important


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Soveryalone said:


> I am trying to figure out who just called me from Georgia (


Who do you know in north Atlanta, north central Georgia?


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## Soveryalone (Jul 19, 2013)

a few friends , but they have my old number not this one this number was only used for my family, only my Ex has this number, i am sure she is calling about my clothing i left there and stuff but i am just surprised to not gotten an email first


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## Soveryalone (Jul 19, 2013)

guess if its important enough whomever it is will leave a voicemail, or text me, i just haven't wanted anything more in my life, than for her to call me crying so i can have some fun with it


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

Soveryalone said:


> guess if its important enough whomever it is will leave a voicemail, or text me, i just haven't wanted anything more in my life, than for her to call me crying so i can have some fun with it


You want the opportunity to engage her. You want to hear remorse. At this stage you will never get a true remorseful apology. Maybe some years down the road, when she has burned every bridge in her life, allowed herself to be used and abused, never having settled down or had one meaningful relationship in her life that she has not destroyed... Only then maybe, maybe, she might have a moment of clarity where she sees how her actions have destroyed her life, then,and only then, would you probably get some semblance of remorse and regret from her. 

But by that time you have long moved on and found someone who really understands love and loyalty.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Soveryalone (Jul 19, 2013)

an heartfelt apology would be very nice of course , but that's not why I want to hear her crying, I just want a chance to show her how indifferent I am about her. I don't love her , I don't hate her, I just feel indifferent , that's how little she means to me now


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Soveryalone said:


> an heartfelt apology would be very nice of course , but that's not why I want to hear her crying, I just want a chance to show her how indifferent I am about her. I don't love her , I don't hate her, I just feel indifferent , that's how little she means to me now


This might be called shock. If you do hear her, you might crumble.

And that was exactly why I passed on the chance of meeting up again with my first LTR girl friend who left me for a woman. I knew if I met her, I'd have crumbled, gone to bed with her and then lived my life worried she'd leave me for a man or a woman.

I knew I'd made the right decision. So, tell me, why did I regret it for years afterwards?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Soveryalone said:


> guess if its important enough whomever it is will leave a voicemail, or text me, i just haven't wanted anything more in my life, than for her to call me crying so i can have some fun with it


Google the number.


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

Soveryalone said:


> an heartfelt apology would be very nice of course , but that's not why I want to hear her crying, I just want a chance to show her how indifferent I am about her. I don't love her , I don't hate her, I just feel indifferent , that's how little she means to me now


I agree with MattMatt. don't be so sure of yourself. It's easy to get c0cky and say "Oh I will never fall for her crap again." You are a young, inexperienced guy who trusts too much and who still has some tenderness left in your heart. The minute you hear her voice you will melt and fold like a cheap K-Mart tent. 

This girl flat told you that at some point, if you kept calling her, she would go out of her way to make sure you would be hearing her having sex with another guy. Remember that? Why on earth would someone who would say something cruel like this, with this kind of attitude, ever apologize? 

Take the advice you have heard here: do not talk to her. Go on with your life and let her go.


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## Soveryalone (Jul 19, 2013)

Yup , well said lostviking, and I know I made that mistake with my first serious relationship, she flat out had a EA/ PA while we were still a couple, when the guy get bored with her, after a few months who did she start calling from early in the AM, yes me, asking if we could have dinner, and if she could spend the night. And I was 23-24 at the time and of course we got back together and the same thing happened . No I know it hurts right now, and its going to be a long process but hearing her voice might make it a lot more difficult than I think.

So never speaking to her again is the plan, and I cant believe I am at this point , but that does give me peace of mind


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

Soveryalone said:


> Yup , well said lostviking, and I know I made that mistake with my first serious relationship, she flat out had a EA/ PA while we were still a couple, when the guy get bored with her, after a few months who did she start calling from early in the AM, yes me, asking if we could have dinner, and if she could spend the night. And I was 23-24 at the time and of course we got back together and the same thing happened . No I know it hurts right now, and its going to be a long process but hearing her voice might make it a lot more difficult than I think.
> 
> So never speaking to her again is the plan, and I cant believe I am at this point , but that does give me peace of mind


The biggest thing I see is... do not let this experience harden your heart. You don't have to become scarred and jaded nor do you need to stop trusting people. 

I recommend, when you can, get to a good counselor who can help you figure out why you seem to pick women who will eventually cheat on you. There has to be some flags, some personal traits, that attract you to these women. If you can identify those traits, you can learn to avoid them in the future. 

But you need someone to help you do this in an objective manner.


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## Soveryalone (Jul 19, 2013)

well the first one , she was just really young , she was 22 I think maybe 23 , young and stupid and didn't want to be so serious after 4 years. And honestly with this recent one , We had grown sooooo very far apart , and we were just going through the motions , but for some reason , perhaps the length of time 12 years , we were both terrified to let go of each other. And she started up the EA and it was time to say goodbye. Ye I am looking to get into some talk therapy here in my new locale. And she has called 5 times now, er that number has, still no voicemail


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

She also has your email.
NC.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

She also has your email.
NC.


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## Soveryalone (Jul 19, 2013)

she is blocked from emailing me


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

Soveryalone said:


> well the first one , she was just really young , she was 22 I think maybe 23 , young and stupid and didn't want to be so serious after 4 years. And honestly with this recent one , We had grown sooooo very far apart , and we were just going through the motions , but for some reason , perhaps the length of time 12 years , we were both terrified to let go of each other. And she started up the EA and it was time to say goodbye. Ye I am looking to get into some talk therapy here in my new locale. And she has called 5 times now, er that number has, still no voicemail


She went beyond cheating on you. Quit minimizing this. Her statement about letting you hear her have sex with another guy to you was so beyond the pale and so cruel that it was more than her just "growing apart". There was contempt and hatred in her words, meant to inflict as much emotional damage on you as she could. 

Quit painting such a pretty picture of her in your mind. She is not the same woman you fell in love with 12 years ago. And for god's sakes don't answer that phone.


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## Soveryalone (Jul 19, 2013)

oh I am not trying to minimize this at all I was just strictly talking about the end of both relationship. As far as this recent one , you are absolutely 10000000%% correct it was cruel , malicious , and nearly criminal based on her knowledge of my past, and I wont ever forget those words, they are so burned into my psyche I may never be the same person. I am not trying to paint this wonderful picture, and I know she isn't the woman I fell in love with 12+ years ago. And no f ing chance in hell that I am answering the phone. if I could anyways, the phone is not working properly anyways, I cant hear people and people cant hear me.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

LostViking said:


> She went beyond cheating on you. Quit minimizing this. Her statement about letting you hear her have sex with another guy to you was so beyond the pale and so cruel that it was more than her just "growing apart". There was contempt and hatred in her words, meant to inflict as much emotional damage on you as she could.
> 
> Quit painting such a pretty picture of her in your mind. She is not the same woman you fell in love with 12 years ago. And for god's sakes don't answer that phone.


Stand by!

There are actually TWO scenarios where a woman would say something like this.

1) She is a truly evil and vindictive person, willing to do incredibly cruel things just to avoid any unpleasantness or waste any of her time.

To do this, she'd almost have to be a sociopath.

2) The girl has been bothered past her patience by her ex via email, calls, texts and 'chance meetings' that she's finally decided to make her feelings PERFECTLY clear.

Now...from what little experience I have in life, women are NOT natural bridge burners. They, like most people, want to be well thought of and the negative names for women such as TAM makes into ***** all stick almost as well as pedophile or sexual harasser in today's clime.

So, is she a sociopath, someone pushed a bit more than revealed...or a little of both.

Soveryalone says he didn't harass her much. Maybe she has a low threshold, the man egged her on, or she IS a sociopath.

I can see a guy trying to get his new girl to say something like that. I guess that is possibility 3.

As a matter of course, I try to avoid ascribing someone's actions to 'evil' because they generally have a point of view. I may not agree with it, but it's valid to them.


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## Soveryalone (Jul 19, 2013)

Well that night was a bit of a fog to me , drank a ****load of whiskey , and I am sorry if I didn't mention this , or perhaps didn't explain it accurately , I did call a lot.. I actually checked the other day how many times I called , but a week after she did express true remorse " She had no right to say the horrible things she said, I didn't deserve it, and she would understand if I never forgave her, that being said had the roles been reversed and I was with a new girl and my ex was calling me a lot I would have just turned the phone off.

Anyways the thought is still there and will be forever, but it doesn't sting quite as much

Not making excuses for her at all, it was cold, cruel , and the most horrible thing she could have said to me, and she is a shltty person for doing so, and the person I fell in love with is gone, she is dead to me now


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

Wait...wait.... she told you on the phone that if you called again then the next thing you'll hear is him f*cking her. At this point, I thought you said that from that moment, you went NC.

So, now you're saying that she apologized for the crap she said?


A little confused here? When did you actually start NC?


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## Soveryalone (Jul 19, 2013)

a week after that happened on June 21 we emailed , a few times and she said apologized. don't really recall if we exchanged more emails until I got a call from her brother in law and I messed up and emailed her 1 week ago or so, and I was being an a hole , and she was being her cold self. but since that night its been extremely limited and mainly just about getting my belongings out of her place. But from this moment on I am never speaking to her again.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Soveryalone said:


> Well that night was a bit of a fog to me , drank a ****load of whiskey , and I am sorry if I didn't mention this , or perhaps didn't explain it accurately , I did call a lot.. I actually checked the other day how many times I called , but a week after she did express true remorse " She had no right to say the horrible things she said, I didn't deserve it, and she would understand if I never forgave her, that being said had the roles been reversed and I was with a new girl and my ex was calling me a lot I would have just turned the phone off.
> 
> Anyways the thought is still there and will be forever, but it doesn't sting quite as much
> 
> Not making excuses for her at all, it was cold, cruel , and the most horrible thing she could have said to me, and she is a shltty person for doing so, and the person I fell in love with is gone, she is dead to me now


Okay, so you bugged the sh*t out of her all day and she said something nasty to you.

Got it.


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## Soveryalone (Jul 19, 2013)

yes exactly , I wish she would stop calling at this point


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Soveryalone said:


> oh I am not trying to minimize this at all I was just strictly talking about the end of both relationship. As far as this recent one , you are absolutely 10000000%% correct it was cruel , malicious , and nearly criminal based on her knowledge of my past, and I wont ever forget those words, they are so burned into my psyche I may never be the same person. I am not trying to paint this wonderful picture, and I know she isn't the woman I fell in love with 12+ years ago. And no f ing chance in hell that I am answering the phone. if I could anyways, the phone is not working properly anyways, I cant hear people and people cant hear me.


Actually, she may *never* have been the woman you fell in love with 12 years ago...


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## Soveryalone (Jul 19, 2013)

never been that person ? who was she then lol


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Soveryalone said:


> never been that person ? who was she then lol


Someone who could turn on you and be that cruel.

Someone less than she should have been.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Soveryalone said:


> yes exactly , I wish she would stop calling at this point


She might be trying to get rid of your stuff. Send her one last email. Something along these lines

_I will not be coming to collect the items I left there. You may dispose of them however you want. I have blocked your phone number and email address. There will be no further contact._

Then make sure there's no further contact.


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## Soveryalone (Jul 19, 2013)

i am just gonna text the number back saying that and add in there if she or whomever replies to this text i will be calling the police and filing a restraining order, its either about the stuff which i don't think it is because we already agreed on a date for me to get the stuff by , i think she is calling to be cruel and malicious again , hence not leaving a voicemail , after all the calls, wanting me to answer and her my reaction when she tells me whatever it is.. she is a sick f ing person , indeed


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

Can't you just simply block her calls? You should be able to go on the website of your carrier, set up an account, and go to the call blocking feature and type her numbers in. That is the way Verizon is if you have them. Most other carriers have similar. 

Did you ever get your phone fixed?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Soveryalone (Jul 19, 2013)

No the phone is shot I am getting a new one ,and new number shortly , I guess blocking the number would make a statement, but for now it seems ok, whomever it was has gotten the hint , no calls for a few hours


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## darklilly23 (May 26, 2013)

Oh my gosh, a few hours?!?!?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Soveryalone (Jul 19, 2013)

She emailed from another account though , deleted it though


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

Good. Shake that dust off. 

I know it does not seem like it because of the pain, but you really have a chance now to make a new start. You are stronger, wiser and you will be able to live a more full life without her and the fake friends you turned away from. It is okay to mourn th death of the relationship, but don't be afraid to celebrate the fresh start you have been given..... Sans the dead weight!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## darklilly23 (May 26, 2013)

Sovery, I really admire your fortitude!
I hope I will have the same kind of strength when the time comes.

Keep up the good work! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Soveryalone (Jul 19, 2013)

Darklilly ,thanks buddy however  its not fortitude ,its just self preservation , her words in the past have nearly disintegrated my already fragile psyche, I wont ever be the same after some of the things she has said to me


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## Soveryalone (Jul 19, 2013)

Feeling slightly better today , trying to very hard to find work 
( living in a new state) Finally after so long finishing up my education , hopefully if everything works out, I still have my moments , however the thoughts and images that once nearly paralyzed me seem to sting less and less. I wont lie I still miss her and her family very dearly , but I think I have quick waves of acceptance, I am not in that stage of grief quite yet but I do have moments , and they aren't nearly as bad as I once thought they might be. 

I read a lot of threads on here and find that some do trigger me, some do make me feel better, and some even offer quite a good bit of hope, however too much of one thing ( whatever it may be) is never a good thing. 

Anyways thanks for all the advice, I am not sure I would be feeling this way today had I not found this site, so thanks again to Darklilly for telling me about it 

Also I had a female friend over and it was quite interesting , very different, fun , but I am still far,far away from being ready to be with someone else <sigh>


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Stay strong - you are young and much more resilient than you realise. And she has been particularly toxic! A much more experienced person would have problems recovering from some of the stuff she has said and so I think you are doing wonderfully. Better times are nor far away!


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## darklilly23 (May 26, 2013)

Hey buddy, glad to see you are doing better,
Keep up the good work!
Thank you for all your support as well! I am glad you have found help here 
I know I would not have been nearly as strong with out the help of all our Tam friends.

Good for you having a friend over, I know that you are not ready for too much in that area but after all you have been put through
A little lift in that arena will slowly stretch out your wings again.  

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

SVA, are you staying with relatives? What is your living situation? Just wondering. I was afraid you were living in a van down by the river. 

I'm happy to hear you made a female friend. Take your time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Soveryalone (Jul 19, 2013)

I just wish I could stop hating her one second feeling free and happy to be away from her , and in the next second missing her so badly , this doesn't happen often but on occasion something will trigger the hatred or love and I become very confused.


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## Soveryalone (Jul 19, 2013)

Now my Ex is emailing my mother being all sweet, telling my mother " sorry she missed her birthday hope everyone is doing well" and she said she was trying to get a hold of me but the last we talked Via email I was "hostile" no f- ing **** I was hostile , I think I had the right to be, I am not sure how I feel right now , it feels equally scary and exciting at the same time , once my clothing is donated to good will and my paperwork sent up , that's it, no link to her at all , except the years we spent together, oh well , sorry I know people who went through a divorce with kids and all the legal stuff read my threads and say well you got off easy , thank god you didn't marry her, etc etc , But honestly being with someone for 12 years , kids or no kids , being legally married or not , its still going to hurt like hell, and the pain is lessening but also VERY real !!


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Soveryalone said:


> I started calling her and she answered and she was with him, she put him on the phone, then she said " J , if you call me one more time you are going to hear him F-ing me" and those words haunt me to this day , its been over a month since she said those words , but it still crushes me , and breaks my heart over and over again.


Maybe you should share what she said to you with your Mother and others so that they understand the depth of her coldness and ability to switch from Jekyll to Hyde. Of course you are going to have bad days but as I said you sound strong and resilient enough to recover and so you should. 12 years is a long time but it is definitely not the end of the world - there is someone much better for you out there. Stay strong!


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

I'm assuming that you know about the email contact from your mom.

Put an end to this crap and send a clear message to her by telling your mom, if the ex emails her again fishing, to tell her that she (mom) has talked to you and you made it very clear you never want to speak to or hear from her again.

Let her chew on your rejection for awhile. She would never admit it, but I'd bet money that will sting her. After all, she spent 12 years of her life with you too.

I think she is fishing for contact with you so she can get 'closure' and 'forgiveness' from you since your R ended so badly and abruptly.

I think she is looking for some type of validation from you to feel better about what she has done. If you can end 'friendly' maybe she is not such a horrible person.

She is probably struggling with guilt, though I doubt she would ever admit it, She needs your forgiveness to move on.

I say screw that. Let her twist in the wind. She needs to face what she is and what she's done.

Just have your mom pass that message on.


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## darklilly23 (May 26, 2013)

Dyokemm said:


> I'm assuming that you know about the email contact from your mom.
> 
> Put an end to this crap and send a clear message to her by telling your mom, if the ex emails her again fishing, to tell her that she (mom) has talked to you and you made it very clear you never want to speak to or hear from her again.
> 
> ...


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## Soveryalone (Jul 19, 2013)

I was just surprised she was trying to be so sweet to my mother when they never got along to begin with anyways. And her and I had agreed that I had until the end of August to figure out what to do with my belongings, I still think she is full of shlt there is NO possible way there are as many boxes of clothing as she is saying , no chance. I just need to rip this band aid off quickly , send one last email " donate my clothing , I will send a pre stamped package for my paper work" and then re block her email and that's all


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

Sounds like a good game plan. I'd go with it, then you can completely cut ties with her......unless she holds your paperwork hostage.


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## mrtickle (Jan 29, 2013)

Just skimmed over this entire thread, as am at work - but I read the opening post and one statement in there has me triggering like crazy..

"I was literally watching her , the woman I loved fall in love with someone else , right in front of my eyes."

That was exactly it. I didn't notice it at first, or at least I tried to block it out, but looking back I can see what was happening right in front of me - and its the one thing that kills me. 

Having an affair is one thing, and is bad enough. Making a decision to leave me is another. But seeing the person who I fell in love with many years ago, going through the same thing with someone else and at the same time pulling away from me and becoming a 'different' person is so hard.

Sorry to hear you are here, and I will read the entire thread...just wanted to pull out that one comment.


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## Soveryalone (Jul 19, 2013)

Mr Tickle I am sorry we share that experience my friend, I don't know if others can fathom the intense pain, confusion and anxiety associated with it. I was physically able to feel our souls separate and in about 4-5 days witness her changing, see it in her face, catch the lies, the odd behavior , the cover ups , the deleting of messages, texts , emails. It was so very rapid and I quickly realized how badly I needed to get away, some tell me ( her included ) she wanted me to stay , stand my ground and fight for her, however at that point I was so beyond broken. For those who don't believe in the concept of soul mates, please believe me they do exist, and on occasion the souls separate.

On a brighter note , I seem to have weathered the storm, met someone new , but it feels like we are going rather quickly emotionally and I am not sure how to slow it down, words just fall out of my mouth and she is being very receptive, however I don't know how soon is too soon, to really know it in my heart, and speak more freely about how I feel.


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

Has your ex tried any other means to contact you? Or has she stopped ?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Soveryalone said:


> Mr Tickle I am sorry we share that experience my friend, I don't know if others can fathom the intense pain, confusion and anxiety associated with it. I was physically able to feel our souls separate and in about 4-5 days witness her changing, see it in her face, catch the lies, the odd behavior , the cover ups , the deleting of messages, texts , emails. It was so very rapid and I quickly realized how badly I needed to get away, some tell me ( her included ) she wanted me to stay , stand my ground and fight for her, however at that point I was so beyond broken. For those who don't believe in the concept of soul mates, please believe me they do exist, and on occasion the souls separate.
> *
> On a brighter note , I seem to have weathered the storm, met someone new , but it feels like we are going rather quickly emotionally and I am not sure how to slow it down, words just fall out of my mouth and she is being very receptive, however I don't know how soon is too soon, to really know it in my heart, and speak more freely about how I feel.*


You need to control what you say...this could be the rebound effect. She might be an awesome girl but if you want it to last - go at a slower pace. How often do you see eachother and talk?


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## Soveryalone (Jul 19, 2013)

LostViking , no its stopped , her sister and BIL have both contacted me in the last little while but that's about it.

Truthseeker, she is someone I knew from a while back but we don't live close by now , so its just been phone calls for now, we talk everyday several times a day , for hours , she knows all about my EX and knows I need to go slowly even on the phone, but I think you may be right , I might just be grasping for anything right now, its just nice to think about someone else most of the time and not all the shlt I went through in the past several months


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Soveryalone said:


> LostViking , no its stopped , her sister and BIL have both contacted me in the last little while but that's about it.
> 
> Truthseeker, she is someone I knew from a while back but we don't live close by now , so its just been phone calls for now, we talk everyday several times a day , for hours , she knows all about my EX and knows I need to go slowly even on the phone, but I think you may be right , I might just be grasping for anything right now, its just nice to think about someone else most of the time and not all the shlt I went through in the past several months


SVA - I think it is good you are thinking about other women. Piece of advice - *work on you first.* So you become the man that does not choose a woman like your ex-fiance again. The work on yourself will pay HUGE dividends in all areas of your life.


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## Soveryalone (Jul 19, 2013)

thanks for the support, yes I have been listening to everyone on here and really focusing on me, to reestablish my own identity so to speak, I am going to be finishing my masters degree this upcoming year or so, trying to exercise a lot, but what seems to really help with calming my mind and putting the past to rest is talking to this new woman, but all and all I think its best for now t go slowly and really focus on myself , which I haven't really done ever n my life. thanks again friends


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Soveryalone said:


> thanks for the support, yes I have been listening to everyone on here and really focusing on me, to reestablish my own identity so to speak, I am going to be finishing my masters degree this upcoming year or so, trying to exercise a lot, but what seems to really help with calming my mind and putting the past to rest is talking to this new woman, but all and all I think its best for now t go slowly and really focus on myself , which I haven't really done ever n my life. thanks again friends


You are welcome...hang in there...this trauma could be the wake up call to a better life for you....


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Soveryalone said:


> thanks for the support, yes I have been listening to everyone on here and really focusing on me, to reestablish my own identity so to speak, I am going to be finishing my masters degree this upcoming year or so, trying to exercise a lot, but what seems to really help with calming my mind and putting the past to rest is talking to this new woman, but all and all I think its best for now t go slowly and really focus on myself , which I haven't really done ever n my life. thanks again friends


Have fun with that Thesis or did you opt out?


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## darklilly23 (May 26, 2013)

Hey buddy, glad to see you have someone to talk to!
Gives me hope for my own future on down the line.

Do take it slow for your own well being though.

Sounds like you are doing much better 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

Soveryalone,

Stay strong my friend. 

I hope this helps you move on and forget your unworthy ex quicker.

You said she told you that she wanted you to stay and fight for her?

What kind of a sick person does that to the person they have been in love with for 12 years?

She is basically admitting that she created this entire painful scenario to test you to see how hard you would fight for her love.

If there is even an ounce of truth in what she said, consider yourself blessed that you escaped from such a cruel, selfish, and unloving person.

There is absolutely no excuse for this despicable behavior.


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## Soveryalone (Jul 19, 2013)

Yea I am not sure , I think she may be a legit sociopath. anyways I have a feeling I am gonna stop thinking about her and the whole situation pretty soon, I hope , we'll see


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

Soveryalone said:


> Yea I am not sure , I think she may be a legit sociopath. anyways I have a feeling I am gonna stop thinking about her and the whole situation pretty soon, I hope , we'll see


You will. It takes time but each day will get a little better. Keep your mind occupied on school, exercise and revisiting old hobbies that you gave up when you started wasting all your time with her. 

SVA I wish I was still young like you. You have your whole life ahead of you, and plenty of time to reinvent yourself and leave this dark spot in your life far behind you. In a few years you will hardly think about what she did to you; but you will be wiser, stronger and able to pass on your hard-earned experience to others after having gone through all this.


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## Soveryalone (Jul 19, 2013)

I certainly don't feel young  I do feel a lot stronger some of the time, but other times feel so completely destroyed, but I have noticed the Roller coaster has sort of slowed down a bit , and perhaps the ups and downs don't feel as drastic?

But I guess in the grand scheme of things I am relatively young, I dunno by this age , 37 , I always figured her and I would have a house and kids , I guess that's still possible with someone else though  :smthumbup:


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

SVA,

I got through this when it happened with my gf (like you, we were discussing and making plans for M) by getting really in touch with my anger.

I don't screw people over in this world, and I take great offense when people wrong me because of that.

I chewed on that rage and directed it at her. After a couple of months, it turned into complete indifference. I could care less about her in any way.

When she came back 8 months later and asked if I would be willing to try again, it was simple for me to reject her out of hand.


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## Soveryalone (Jul 19, 2013)

That sums it up really well, I was trying to figure out what it was I was feeling, but indifference is the perfect word, I don't hate her oddly enough , and certainly any love I had for her is gone , its just sort of blah , any way the wind blows, if she is happy , ok great , if she is sad ok great , I am completely indifferent about her and don't want or need to talk to her ever again, my mother emailed with her and she is sending me my clothing and paper work. 

I learned so much from the whole situation though, and really started to realize how strong a person I am, despite feeling so very hurt and weak at times, I mean its been 3 months since I left , 2 months since she got involved with the other guy ( and needed to rub it in my face) and I am honestly feeling better and better each day, yes I still have horrible days , but they seem to be further and further apart. actually feeling pretty relieved because some people were saying after the length of time her and I were together and how very horrible she was post split , this could take years to recover.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

SVA,

Yes...that is one major difference between your situation and mine. You had a much longer relationship beforehand. 

I think you are doing great considering how long the R was, and therefore how big of a change this crap truly wrought in your life.

Stay strong my friend.


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## Soveryalone (Jul 19, 2013)

Update, I was chatting with someone on facebook, a mutual friend of my Ex and I, and I was bringing her up to speed , how I was doing and what not, I didn't mention my Ex once , my friend says " hey is (my EX) pregnant, because they got married a few days ago"

*AND MY FIRST THOUGHT WAS "HOLY SHlT, I REALLY DONT GIVE A F_CK"*


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Soveryalone said:


> Update, I was chatting with someone on facebook, a mutual friend of my Ex and I, and I was bringing her up to speed , how I was doing and what not, I didn't mention my Ex once , my friend says " hey is (my EX) pregnant, because they got married a few days ago"
> 
> *AND MY FIRST THOUGHT WAS "HOLY SHlT, I REALLY DONT GIVE A F_CK"*


Good for you!


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Good job. 

Take joy that you weren't the poor sap to get that vulture pregnant. 

She did you a favor.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Soveryalone (Jul 19, 2013)

Update , Sept 26 2013
Out of nowhere she emailed me she had sent some of my clothing and other things, she was basically just asking for money, nearly 100 dollars to ship what she did. I emailed her back
" You are a psychopath why would you include a 30th birthday card you gave me in the boxes you shipped"

her " sorry I didn't realize I put the card in there I didn't mean to bother you " <<<< ye ok

me- " you are ALWAYS a bother , now f_ck off"

her - " I am so deeply sorry I hurt you , you didn't deserve that, you deserve to be happy , and remain happy for life"

anyways , I was pretty sure I blocked all of her emails , maybe I just need to just delete my current email and start fresh. so ye she got married to the OM 2 weeks ago roughly , and I am guessing is pregnant, but she is being very strange , I did email her again and asked her to please stop contacting me, and I would send her the money for the packages 

me "


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

I like how you told her to fvck off. Classic. She deserved it. 

See how cowards like her react when you get mean with them? They buckle. 

Now change your email and move on to a great future without her. I think you will be pleasantly surprised at how much better your life is without her. Maybe you already have!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Send her a handful of monopoly money.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

She cost you plenty already. Don't send her a dime. Do not be a nice guy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

The Monopoly money is a good idea. He he.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Don't send her a dime, she doesnt deserve a single dime.


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## Soveryalone (Jul 19, 2013)

I mean .. she pawned / sold the 5 000$ engagement ring ... so yea, f_ck her


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

LongWalk said:


> Send her a handful of monopoly money.


 Oops did I do that?
steve urkel oops did i do that - Yahoo! Search Results


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

turnera said:


> Oops did I do that?
> steve urkel oops did i do that - Yahoo! Search Results


Turnera, that YouTube clip just reminded me of why I so dislike US TV.

All in the Family was a good show because it was original at the time. After that America produced show after show with the mythical happy family at the center. So, many of these families, and they included weird non traditional constellations of friendship, all have rubber characters who act the same month after month.

Insight and character development typically did not occur because the characters were indestructible. All of the buffoonery causes no chance. Missing – at least during the time I watched – were alcoholism, domestic violence, child abuse, etc. In short, America wants to humorously poke fun at foibles, but not look at real problems.

Probably this has changed with shows like Madmen. I should steal them from the web and watch them, because people say they're great.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

> J , if you call me one more time you are going to hear him F-ing me"


:scratchhead:

In her twisted mind your relationship failed to bear fruit, marriage and kids. You didn't commit because your gut told you the two of you weren't on the same page. Whose fault was it? Probably both. But at the end of the day she allowed herself to indulge the psycho loose woman personality within.

The reason she is sending the clothes is to try and paper over that horrible incident, which doesn't make her feel too good about herself. She's having the baby with him. Maybe she believes happiness is coming or maybe she suspects they will not overcome their flaws. We cannot know in advance.

You can change your life. I can change mine.

What are you doing the Master's in by the way?


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

In the end who cares what she is thinking? She showed you what a cruel woman she is. Now your ex best friend has been sentenced to a hellish future with this spawn of hades. She has her tendrils embedded in his flesh....he can never leave! NEVER! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha !
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

> Turnera, that YouTube clip just reminded me of why I so dislike US TV.
> 
> All in the Family was a good show because it was original at the time. After that America produced show after show with the mythical happy family at the center. So, many of these families, and they included weird non traditional constellations of friendship, all have rubber characters who act the same month after month.


Wow. Ok...

LW, you're very insightful, and you write extremely well, but I'd posit that sometimes your extremely abusive upbringing causes you to miss a great deal from life, what with that massive chip to be carried around. I feel for you.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Soveryalone said:


> I mean .. she pawned / sold the 5 000$ engagement ring ... so yea, f_ck her


Ask her about the ring...


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## Soveryalone (Jul 19, 2013)

So I mentioned the ring, and told her friendship was not even remotely possible, that talking in any capacity wasn't possible either, she sent a very long email which I am about to delete, and block another one of her email addresses .. haven't read more than the first line " I am glad you met someone new"... I am a little curious about the content of the email , but at the same time , I am not about to get sucked back into any bullshlt


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## Mike11 (Aug 25, 2011)

Soveryalone said:


> So I mentioned the ring, and told her friendship was not even remotely possible, that talking in any capacity wasn't possible either, she sent a very long email which I am about to delete, and block another one of her email addresses .. haven't read more than the first line " I am glad you met someone new"... I am a little curious about the content of the email , but at the same time , I am not about to get sucked back into any bullshlt


You can read it, you don't have to answer her


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

Soveryalone said:


> I mean .. she pawned / sold the 5 000$ engagement ring ... so yea, f_ck her


You ought to take her to court over that. It's one thing to accept it under false pretense, but quite another to pawn it. I would go for the full amount also; not what she got for it. Considering the circumstances, I think you'd get it.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Go dark on her. She is not worthy of another minute of your life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Carry on in darkness.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

turnera said:


> Wow. Ok...
> 
> LW, you're very insightful, and you write extremely well, but I'd posit that sometimes your extremely abusive upbringing causes you to miss a great deal from life, what with that massive chip to be carried around. I feel for you.


 too true. Good that you call me on this. I have work through this some how
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

If the ring was worth thousands, you ought to get it back. If you were a herdsman who had given 13 cattle and other presents to the bride's family, you would want them back. 

What is this ring stuff? Why don't men get them, too?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Soveryalone said:


> So I mentioned the ring, and told her friendship was not even remotely possible, that talking in any capacity wasn't possible either, she sent a very long email which I am about to delete, and block another one of her email addresses .. haven't read more than the first line " I am glad you met someone new"... I am a little curious about the content of the email , but at the same time , I am not about to get sucked back into any bullshlt


She thinks you met someone new because you asked for the ring? 

Her tone seems a bit more defensive and submissive than in the beginning.


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